Chapter 137


    Chapter 137


    E


    My grief keeps me awake far longer than I’m sure I could have managed otherwise. I’m alone, so I


    don’t bother trying to quiet my keening, wailing my despair into the night air. I’m not sure how long it will


    take for the shift to take hold, but I pray that the violent transformation will generate enough heat and


    energy to allow me to survive.


    The possibility that it might fail seeps into my mind and suddenly I wonder if I should have just let


    myself fall asleep, rather than meeting my end in agony.


    Oh Goddess, I should have taken the herb hours ago. I think woefully. Now it’s probably toote.


    This thought only makes me cry harder, but there’s also a growing kernel of warmth in my belly, pulsing


    inside me and radiating the strangest sensations through my body. Suddenly the entire forest explodes


    into a cacophony of sound – chirping crickets, croaking frogs, the low hoot of an owl, and other things I


    can scarcely recognize. I can hear small animals scurrying below the snowpack, and the sound of the


    wind rustling through the trees for miles away. It’s too -overwhelming, and I’m amazed by the images


    that appear in my mind, exining each sound with a rity I couldn’t have possibly imagined. It’s


    almost as though I can see sound.. and I realize this must be how it is for wolves all the time. The herb


    is working.


    Then I hear something else, pounding footprints crunching through the snow. “No! No, no, no.” I moan


    desperately, my mind slowly piecing together the puzzle of information. If I hear footsteps it means… it


    means either Sinir or the Prince has finally caught up with me. Either way…


    I’m going to be found imminently, which means didn’t have to take the herb after all. I find the strength


    to push my body up on my hands and knees, sticking my fingers down my throat and trying to make


    myself vomit.. to undo the horrible.


    That’s how Sinir found me a few minutester, sobbing and gagging, begging the Goddess to take


    back my rash actions. “E!” He shouts, racing towards me. “Oh thank the stars.” His voice pierces my


    skull at a terrifying volume, and I mp my hands over my ears, crying out.


    “E, it’s okay, I’m here.” Sinir assures me, misunderstanding my pain. His voice is still too loud, but


    the pain in my heart is even more excruciating than the pain in my head.


    “No,” I cry again, my chest heaving. “No, you..


    You’re t-too te.”


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    Sinir crashes onto his knees in the snow beside me, wearing head to toe tactical gear that no doubt


    kept him perfectly warm through his own alpine trek. His arms reach for me, but I jerk away from him,


    my adrenaline spiking again now that my baby’s life is in unnecessary danger. I’m crying so hard I can’t


    catch my breath, but I still can’t make myself vomit. The surreal power swirling in my stomach only


    grows stronger, and I know there’s no reversing this. I jerk my head to Sinir, and he reels back when


    he sees my wide, glowing eyes.


    “I thought… I thought I was dying” I try to exin, my wordsing out babbled and slurred. “I didn’t


    th-think… I had.. a ch-choice.”


    Understanding makes Sinir’s brilliant green eyes go wide with rm and pain. He swears under his


    breath, looking over his shoulder at his second inmand. “We need an extraction right now. Call for


    a chopper.” I hear the man pulling out his phone and the dial tone is as loud as a ring fog horn.


    I’m shaking my head as Sinir reaches for me again, my words unintelligible in the height of my


    “anguish. “It’s okay, baby. It’s gonna be okay.”


    Sinir croons, dragging me into his embrace even though I fight tooth and nail. “Come on, let’s get


    you warm.” He unzips his coat and pulls me against his overheated body before zipping it up again.


    The man on the phone is speaking now, giving our location, and I’m amazed to discover I can detect


    the pilot’s voice just as easily. Sinir’s heart beat is pounding against my ear, and the sounds of his


    men’s hearts and breath fill my head as well. “Too lóud.” I whimper, “It’s too loud.”


    “I know, baby.” Sinir whispers, but it sounds like a yell. He chafes my body with his hands,


    generating heat through his thick jacket. “We don’t have much time.” He says then, clearly talking to his


    men. “She’s about to enter her first shift.”


    “Her first -” One of the men starts to question, clearly not in on the secret of my suppressed wolf.


    Sinir cuts him off, “I’ll exinter, we need to get out of the woods.”


    He stands, cradling me in his arms, and I sob into his neck. “Th-the p-pup.” I moan. “I-I’ve k-killed him.”


    “Shh, little one.” Sinir, purrs, but I can hear the “grief in his own voice. “Let’s just get you somece


    safe. Fuck, you’re frozen solid.” He takes off at a run, and suddenly I understand how he reached me


    so fast. Even carrying me on two legs, he and his men are five times as fast as a human, and probably


    ten times faster than I’d be stumbling and falling through the deep snow in my exhaustion.


    The world starts to go fuzzy then, and I feel as though I’ve swallowed a glowing ball of light. Other


    senses are starting to sharpen – my eyes are tightly shut and blurred with tears, but my nose is


    suddenly every bit as overwhelmed as my ears.


    Sinir’s familiar aroma has been magnified by a thousand, deepened and moreplex than I’ve


    ever experienced before. It’s so strong I almost feel intoxicated with it, but I can smell other things too,


    things I never imagined having scents – like the sweat of the men surrounding us, and my mate’s fear


    for my well being. Bad things too, like the decay of dead animals trapped in the ice, or the scat of a lynx


    somewhere off in the distance.


    It seems as though I’ve been moving through the world in a bubble my entire life, and now that


    protective, insting barrier has finally popped and everything ising into severe focus reminds me


    of birth, of a child existing in its dark, -fluid filled sac until it’s abruptly introduced into the harsh world


    with no warning. I suppose this is a rebirth for me, but theparison sends my spiraling emotions


    even further out of control. The cost of my own reincarnation is depriving my pup of his own life… he


    will never have the chance to experience life outside of my womb.


    My shivers only worsen with my grief, and though Sinir’s scorching skin is buffering my icy limbs,


    I can’t get warm. We’re out of the forest in an instant, and then a horrible, violent whump whump


    whump, fills my ears. I scream in response to the noise of the helicopter, more painful than anything


    I’ve yet experienced.


    Sinir attempts to help by pressing one of his hands over my own. “Just hold on, E.” He


    encourages. “I’ve got you.”


    He leaps into the back of the aircraft, taking me into a far corner and strapping himself in. I’m trying to


    plug my ears again, but it won’t work. His men mber into the chopper with us, and then we’re leaving


    the ground, gaining altitude and rising up into the heavens. The motion makes me feel sick to my


    stomach, but my body seems incapable of rejecting the contents of my stomach, as if the herb


    congealed my insides and formed an immovable rock to ensure the metamorphosis takes hold.


    “Let me see your hands, baby.” Sinir requests, dragging one of my palms from my ears to examine


    my fingers. He curses again, and I realize it’s because my extremities have turned blue with frostbite.


    He does the same with my feet, and I can’t even bring myself to care that I might lose my fingers and


    toes. I would dly trade them for my baby. Sinir tucks my frosty fingers under his arms and grips


    my toes in his hands, trying to radiate his own warmth into my system. “Im sorry,” He murmurs as


    quietly as he can, his voice thick with emotion. I smell salt unlike my own tears or the others’ sweat,


    and I realize they’re Sinir’s tears. “Im sorry it took me so long to reach you.”


    I’ve been keeping my eyes tightly shut, terrified of adding more sensory stimtion to my already


    overloaded system, but I force myself to look up at him. It’s dark in the helicopter, which is a true


    blessing. I can see Sinir as clearly as I normally would have in the light, his features are strained


    with the weight of his quilt and sadness. I can’t stand it, this isn’t his fault and I know he’s going to


    torture himself for my rash decision. “I sh-should have waited… been stronger.”


    Sinir’s face crumples with pain. He starts to purr then stops, remembering my sensitivity to noise. He


    opens his mouth to respond to my statement, but before he can get a word out something explodes


    inside of me, and I scream at the top of my lungs.


    Sinir grips me tighter, ordering the pilots to hurry up. “Faster! Her shift is beginning.”