Chapter 37 (Kylie)


    I retort looking out the window for any sign of my cousin, thinking- why the fuck did I think Dexter and I


    in a car was a good Idea.


    “Money isn''t going to heal my fucking ankle Kylie, you ruined my career.”


    I roll my eyes at that one, but inside his statement has guilt weighing heavily on my conscience.


    My temper tantrum left permanent damage to his ankle.


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    Even if we both know he was never going to have that football career with his dad passing on. But I


    don''t say it, we both know it.


    After another ten minutes with his broody face, I have had it.


    “Okay, I am sorry I ran you over with my car.” I apologize loudly, exasperated that I have to even say it.


    “Sorry isn''t going to do shit,” He snaps back.


    “Well excuse me for trying to be nice, what the fuck is the problem because we both know it ain''t me


    hittin'' you with my car, so spill the beans or shut up because now you just pissing me off,” I bellow.


    “The mighty Kylie is pissed, boohoo wee to the fuckin'' real world, it sucks doesn''t it.”


    He glower''s and if his look could kill me right now, lord knows I''ll be in hell already getting kicked out.


    “You don''t know the meaning of the term life sucks, spend a day in my life thene say it to my


    asshole, stop the car, WE ARE DONE HERE.”


    The tires squeal to a standstill somewhere in the middle of town and after a call to Dainy I am swapping


    cars. With Rae now stuck with the moody Dexter Kent and me, myself and I speeding off with Dainy.


    “Do I want to know,” Dainy muses


    “Besides the fact he is an impetuous self-hating jackass, no you don''t, let''s go find your man crazy


    Dainy.”


    We''ve both quieten on our drive. Dainy lost in her own mind. While mine just riddles me with the never-


    ending guilt I feel about hurting the people I care about to the brink that they hate me.


    I do care about Dexter and deep down I feel like shit for doing what I did.


    And though I would never admit it, I deserve his harsh remarks, I deserve his hatred toward me.


    I hurt people in my life more than others do, because deep down I am hurt.


    GRIEVING for a mother that left me for three years. CRYING for that little girl that only ever wanted


    was to be loved without conditions.


    ACHING for the teenager forced to watch her best friend lose herself to a mind that she can''t control as


    the government treats her as a machine instead of a human.


    DYING slowly for the woman I am bing who is still stuck on a man who she could never have a


    future with.


    SCREAMING at the bleak path my life is taking me as I get older.


    Michael forgave me eventually for the mess I caused in his life and my other brothers did too, even my


    sister Natasha found it in herself to forgive me for ruining her chances with a guy she liked.


    My fear is that one day I will hurt them all, so badly that they will never forgive me. I fear one day I will


    do something so bad and they will all turn their backs on me.


    I fear that one day I will be alone, with nobody there to save me.


    “We almost there, if you want to vent sugar now would be a perfect time.”


    My smooth voice startles her out of whatever she''s thinking.


    “I''m fine.” Again with the small answers.


    “I know fine crazy Dainy and you ain''t fine sugar.”


    “Why did Sabastian have toe back. It''s like he brought it all back with him. For twelve months I


    was different Kylie.”


    Different, I wanted to be different a time or two. It is nice still going to high school, worrying about boys


    and gossip. Or how much power I had over the school.


    Now when one says different I think of Diamond and the Bratva, I think of Beggar and the Famiglia, I


    think of Storm and how I use him, lie to him under false pretenses.


    I don''t tell Dainy this, she doesn''t need my crap in her life. Nobody does.


    “Different isn''t always good Dainy, sometimes it''s the pretense behind different that makes it all seem


    good.”


    “I never thought about it that way.”


    I chuckle, just as I park the car on the corner of the road,


    “Because you''re young, and right now life just isn''t making sense. You got two guys Dainy, one loves


    you, the other one is starting, so before you get out of this car you need to know who you getting out


    this car for because Reagan is hurting now and he is family, I don''t wanna see my cousin hurting any


    more than he needs to right now. I ain''t saying you need to choose now, but I''m saying you need to put


    someone''s needs before your own.”