Arabe


    Entering Antonio and Liliana’s penthouse feels just like old times. Everything about the ce reminds me of home and reminds me just how much I’ll miss Chicago and my family even more.


    Liliana enters the foyer to greet us with little Vi at her hip. She looks just like Lily but has Tony’s dark features. I hand Ro my coat and purse and while he growls and no doubt mutters how he’s not a butler, I don’t care.


    “Give me my baby!” I hold my arms out and Liliana hands her over with a smile. “I’ve missed my baby girl. How are you Vi?” She answers me back with a giggle as I attack her chubby cheeks with kisses.


    “She has been a handful. Antonio hired a nanny so I could pass her off and get some much needed rest,” Liliana says and I can tell from the dark circles under her eyes.


    “I wish Auntie Be was staying so she could be your nanny instead,” I pout.


    “Yeah, Antonio told me everything. I heard about you going to Italy,” Liliana matches my frown.


    We walk into the living where I sit down on the floor, next to all of Vi’s toys and y with her. Liliana lists crisscrossed on the couch clutching a pillow to her stomach.


    “It’ll be nice to go to Italy and see Nonno and my brother Laz and meet his wife and son.”


    “Antonio never talks about his other cousins. I knew you were going to see your brother-quite frankly I had no idea you had any siblings.”


    I shrug like it’s no big deal. “Each one of my siblings is in a different state or country. I guess we’re not all that close. We all have our duty to the mafia and we’re all busy doing that duty I guess. Too busy to talk to each other.”


    To be honest, I resent my siblings for not picking up the phone and calling me. While I appreciate Laz wanting me in Italy, my stomach tells me I should have a bad feeling about why exactly he wants me there.


    “I know what you mean. Since Angelo went back to Boston and took over as Don I haven’t heard much from him.”


    I grab Vi and hug her to my chest. “Let me bring her with me. You can’t separate me from my baby!”


    Liliana chuckles. “Try telling Antonio that.”


    “I don’t know how you wrap my brother around your little finger,” Ro chimes in taking his own seat adjacent to the couch.


    “That little girl is the one who has Tony under herpletemand. He’s smitten,” Liliana beams while talking about her husband. “He’s such a good daddy.”


    “You are so loved, little girl,” I brush back her dark ringlets. “Even though I’ll be in Italy, I’ll always be your godmama and I can still guide you over the phone.” It won’t be the same though. “Promise me you won’t grow too fast? I don’t want to miss any milestones.”


    “We will take lots of photos and videos to send to you,” Lily attempts to make me feel better.


    “How are online sses going?” I try to change the subject before I panic.


    “Good. I’m finishing up my first semester now. The sses I’m taking are so interesting that the homework doesn’t even seem like work!”


    That’s how it always felt when I read psychology research papers. Every little finding was so interesting. Every little fact and theory about mental illness grab every ounce of my attention. I wish I could go back to school and get my degree, but it doesn’t seem in the cards for me. Not to mention at least here the men allow us little liberties, from what I gathered, back in Italy they’re still backwards. Women should stay home, cook and clean and satisfy whatever their husband needs.


    “I’m so happy for you, Lily. You’vee a long way from being that timid little virgin who didn’t even want to touch Antonio, let alone look at him.”


    She smiles at that. “I guess I got lucky. He’s so much more than he lets on to be. He’s sweet, thoughtful, romant-”


    “He would not appreciate a word of what you are saying about him,” Ro shes her warning look.


    Lily dismisses him with her hand. “I don’t need to pretend he’s a big bad mobster to his brother and cousin.”


    “He is a big bad mobster,” Ro looks unamused. “He kills people.”


    “Hey, not in front of the baby,” I cover her little pierced ears. “You got her ears pierced,” I almost frown but catch myself. I missed it. I missed her ears being pierced.


    “We got it done early yesterday. I didn’t know what was going on with you and…” Leonardo, “untilter when Tony came home and told me. I wanted to ask you but, as far as I knew, you were still missing.”


    “It’s okay. I’m not mad,” I reassure her.


    “Good,” she gives me a soft smile. “Tony didn’t want them done. He was so afraid it would hurt her and he said he couldn’t bear to watch his baby in pain. So, I went by myself. They look adorable on her.”


    “They do.”


    Vi is going to grow up to be breathtaking. She already has thick, ck hair that curls into little spirals and her big brown eyes have little specks of green, which make them mesmerizing. Her skin is like mine, olive-toned, she’s true Italian baby. When she’s older she is going to leave all the boys drooling. Antonio will have his hands full.


    “Hey, listen,” Liliana fiddles nervously with her fingers, “Antonio told me about your previous bodyguard and I just want you to know you can talk to me. You know I’m always here for you. I consider you my sister.”


    “Of course, I know that. You’re like a little sister to me, too. I’ll be sure to call and keep you in the loop if you promise to do the same,” I hold out my pinky, “And I’m holding you to sending me many, many, many pictures and videos of Vi.”


    Liliana leans over and wraps her pinky around mine. “I promise.”


    “So, I see Ro is babysitting you,” Liliana shoots a teasing smile his way and Ro rolls his eyes. “Where’s Carmelo? I miss him.”


    “My parent didn’t want him near me anymore after they found out we had sex. Tony reassigned him. I thought you would know something more than I would.”Original from N?velDrama.Org.


    “No, he doesn’t talk business with me that much. All I knew was Carmelo was kicked off your service and Leonardo was your main bodyguard, then you ran away, Leonardo was killed and then… then I thought Carmelo was your bodyguard again.”


    “Dismissed this morning,” I frown.


    “You don’t know anything?” She asks Ro.


    “Nothing you girls should concern yourself with.”


    “He’s our friend, Ro,” Liliana crosses her arms.


    “He’s not family. So mind your own business.”


    “What makes you so cranky this morning?” Lily bites back.


    “It’s been a stressful week and thest thing I want to do is listen to my sister-inw and cousin chatter and gossip,” he huffs.


    “He’s very cranky today,” I tease back to Lily and sheughs.


    I stand up and ce Vi in hisp. He holds her under her armpits and keeps her at a distance. Vi turns her head inspecting her uncle and then reaches her for him, closing and opening her little fists.


    “You can’t be cranky with your niece in your arms.”


    A smile tugs on the corner of his lips and he pulls her closer allowing her to sit and snuggle on hisp. “Only because she wants me and she is my niece. I’d do anything for her.”


    Liliana chuckles and rolls her eyes. “Why don’t we go shopping. We can buy some new dresses for you to wear-”


    “She did say she needed new luggage,” Ro chimes in.


    “I’m not exactly in the mood for shopping.” Now I know how Liliana felt when I forced her to get out of the house when she was in her own depressive mood.


    “It always used to make you feel better. You never let me sit around sulking, so I’m not going to let you do the same. Come on, shopping will make you feel better.”


    “You need to get luggage so we’re going shopping. No arguing.” I mumble.


    “I’m the new addition to the trio,” Ro stands with Vi at his hips.


    Liliana ps her hands and goes to grab Vi’s baby bag and stroller. “Just like old times.”


    I frown. “It used to be the three of us going shopping. It’s not going to be the same.”


    Liliana puts her arm around me while Ro fixes Vi in the stroller strapping her in. “I know it won’t be the same, but he’s still our friend. He’s still alive. Just on a different assignment. Just because you’re going to Italy doesn’t mean we don’t keep contact with you.”


    “I know it’s just… I never got to say goodbye.”


    “Arabe,” Liliana pulls back and sighs, “Do you… do you have feelings for Carmelo?”


    “What?” My eyes widen. “No! He’s my best friend. We both care for each other. He protected me and stuck up for me. I at least wanted was to say goodbye before I left for good.”


    “Okay, just making sure. You know it would never work out anyways, you parents would never approve of a union between you two.”


    “Trust me, I know. They don’t even want me near him,” I scoff. The whole situation is ridiculous though. I would never marry Carmelo.


    “Let’s go,” Ro urges impatiently while pressing the button on the elevator.


    Liliana and I pile into the back of the ck SUV. Liliana sits in between me and Vi, who is behind the driver’s side in her car seat. Ro takes the passenger and Steven drives us. It’s déjà vu, but without Carmelo. I thought my life was going to be over when I lost Vinny but when Antonio took me in and I became close with Liliana, I found a new sense of purpose. A new sense of happiness. Now I feel lost all over again.


    I’m struggling to find reason. Struggling with how I am going to deal with living in a new country and leaving Chicago behind. I already know thenguage, but the customs are different and the people-aside from my brother and grandfather-are all strangers. I haven’t even seen Laz since I was young, who knows how much he’s changed under my Nonno’s influence.


    Christina used to tell me I was the lucky sister for marrying Vinny. She always said that we looked happily in love with each other. For a long time I believed that I was the lucky one, until Vinny died, until I realized just how much myte husband and I yed pretend. We weren’t in love. We were friends in a situation that forced us to be together and we both held tightly onto the idea that we could have love one day. But it wasn’t true. We only had each other. So, we pretended.


    ying pretend doesn’t make you any more happier. It makes you sad and delusional and breaks your heart as you yearn for the truth and crave what you’ve always wanted most in the world. I don’t feel lucky. I don’t think I was ever lucky because all God has been doing is dealing me some real shitty decks. I’ve tried to grin and bear. I’ve forced myself to y the role of bubbly Arabe but I’m so tired. I’m tired of pretending. I’m tired of pointless dreaming. I’m tired of uncertainty and more importantly I’m scared.


    I’m scared to be forced into ying pretend again. I’m scared I might actually find happiness only for it to be taken away. They call me the Cursed Widow-whoever marries her dies. Maybe I am cursed. I don’t know what scares me most though. Being forced into another loveless or abusive marriage or dying alone.


    I look over at Liliana who once thought her life was over. I’ve never seen her so happy. Even Tony has softened just a little bit. I can see it when he briefly smiles over at Lily or his little girl. When Vi was born I saw Lilianae even more alive, as if her purpose in life has always been to be a mother.


    I was never the type of girl to fantasize about being a mother. I never had the names picked out and never stuffed a pillow up my shirt and pretended. I was scared when I was pregnant and slightly relieved when I had the miscarriages. I don’t even know how I truly felt when the doctors told me I was infertile. I guess relieved that I would never have Luca’s kids at the time, but also scared that I would never have a piece of myself that would love me and be with me until myst day.


    I don’t want kids and I don’t think they’re necessary for a happily ever after, but having the opportunity taken away from me with that diagnosis-it scares me. Along with being the Cursed Widow I will never be able to give my husband what they all want. A son. An heir.


    They will see me as worthless.


    When I was younger and the world was lessplicated, I had preconceived notions that the world was going to go in my favor if I did what I was told, had faith, and was a good girl. But it doesn’t matter. None of it matters because karma doesn’t exist and the world doesn’t care how good of a person you are. Bad things can happen to anyone no matter how unfair, and I denied it for so long. There’s no denying anymore.


    This is my life and I’m stuck in my own personal hell.


    Don’t be ridiculous. You have no idea what’s in store for you in Italy. You could only be gone a few months and then you’ll be back in Chicago forgetting you were ever worried about never returning. The rational part of me tries to cheer me up with bullshit optimism. The rational side that I’ve been listening to for so long.


    It’s time to stop listening.


    No one will help me. No one will save me.


    My fate lies in Italy and I have no control over the oue.


    “Arabe?” Liliana’s soft whisper shakes me out of my trance. “We’re here.”


    “Okay. Let’s get this over with.”


    “Are you alright? You didn’t say anything in the car. Usually you’re much more talkative.”


    “Just a lot on my mind,” I give her a weak smile. There’s no need to make Liliana worry Liliana any more than she already is. It is not like she can help the inevitable anyways.


    The mall, like always, was crowded and I didn’t feel like being around so many people. Everyone seemed so happy holding their shopping bags or their lovers hands. I suddenly get a pang in my heart and a gut-wrenching empty feeling.


    Liliana pulls me into stores and picks out dresses for me to bring. I couldn’t deny, Liliana has great taste and I loved everything she picked out and forced me to buy with Ro’s credit card, but it didn’t improve my mood. I let her believe it did though.


    I ended up getting a set of light pink hard-shell luggage and I automatically began imagining packing all of my clothes into the suitcases. Packing up my entire life in Chicago. The suitcases were big enough for my entire closet and I don’t have to worry about weight limit or too much luggage considering I’ll be flying via the Moretti family private airne.


    Several hours and several hundreds of dors spentter, we pile into the car and I sit in the middle as I watch Vi sleep peacefully in her car seat. I’m going to miss my baby. I had such big ns for us. I was going to be the cool aunt. I was going to be the one she came to when she did something bad she didn’t want her parent to know about. I was going to be her best friend and confidant. She was going to fill the missing void in my heart-she already has-but now the hole is reforming with every heartbreaking thought of never seeing her again.


    It’s dark when we arrive at Liliana’s ce. Antonio, surprisingly, is home and he greets his wife with a quick kiss and greets his daughter by picking her up and holding her close to him.


    “How was your day?” Antonio asks holding his daughter on his hip.


    Liliana tells him about everything while I zone out. My focus goes to Ro leaning against the wall next to the elevator. I can tell he wants to leave.


    “I’m going to go. I’m getting tired,” I interrupt Liliana’s story.


    Her eyes widen, “Oh,” her hands drop to her sides. “Is this goodbye-goodbye? I guess I won’t see you again before you leave.”


    “I guess this is goodbye-goodbye,” I quickly wrap my arms around her and hold her tight. She’s been the best girlfriend I have evere to have. I still consider her my sister-inw despite how things ended with Luca.


    Liliana is crying when she pulls back out of our hug and rubs her eyes with her sleeve. “I’ll call every day.”


    Antonio ces his hand on her shoulder and gives me a curt nod. A silent goodbye.


    I kiss Vi’s chubby cheek while she sleeps and soak in onest good look at her. I turn around and don’t bother looking back even though I can hear Liliana’s sobs. She’s always been emotional, but maybe her tears are because she really believes she’ll never see me again.