~Dante~


    I had so many opportunities to tell L how I felt. I wasn’t brave like the 16-year-old me. When I told her I’d be her Prince Charming and she’d be my princess when she reached the age of consent, I meant it. She kept the promise and valued the promise. She neverined when she saw me with mytest flings. She was there for me, hurting and wishing I would one day remember our promise. It’s not like I didn’t remember the promise. I couldn’t tell her how I felt. I just couldn’t. I had a reason to leave work early because I had someone waiting for me. She was there to celebrate every achievement with me. She was my rock. If only I had been bold enough, she couldn’t have left. If only I had told her how I felt on her prom night. If only I hade clean on our dinner date. I was so stupid. I would take her on dinner dates, wanting to tell her I loved her, but those three words wouldn’te out. I wasted time, and the ifs don’t matter now because I lost her. I lost my smile keeper. I watched the girl I loved grow up, knowing she was mine. I watched her grow into the woman she is now, but still, I couldn’t tell her; I kept hurting her. On ourst night together, I should have known she was reminding me of the promise I broke. Why did she have to remind me of that promise we made all those years ago and then abandon me without giving me the opportunity to exin that I had been in love with her since she was 16?


    Why would she wait for me? Who am I kidding? I took her innocence and told her we couldn’t be. I lied to her that day. I was afraid if I told her I loved her, I would lose her. I was scared that she would start talking about Candice. I wanted to keep her around, even if I couldn’t have her. It was a very difficult thing to do because L was a temptation. She was a drug, and I let her down. How can I fix this when I wasn’t given a chance to fix it? So how do I exin to her that it has always been her and her alone? What have I done? I have been busy nning to marry another woman, forgetting the promises I made. Trust has been broken. Promises I never kept are broken. It was never her fault. It was all me. I only have myself to me for everything. I knew I would never love anyone else the way I loved L, but what have I done? My mother even made me marry her, but still, I couldn’te clean. The day she handed me the divorce papers, I had a chance to not sign them and tell her I wanted us to work. But like a fool, I signed. Will I ever have a chance to mend this? Where do I even start looking for the love of my life? She was there for me, waiting for me to man up, but I failed terribly. Sex with L felt right. Sex with Candice has never felt right, not even a single day. It has always felt like I was cheating on someone. The signs were there, but I failed to see them. I would fight with Candice, and she would even advise me to go back to Candice. She wanted me to be happy, but what I had with Candice was never love. It was lust. Fucking is what we did with no connection. She was there to give herself to me. But sex with L was filled with a lot of emotions. She made me feel things I had never felt with any woman. Making love to L had a meaning. Since our wedding day, I have always wanted to have her every day, but I told her we couldn’t be together. I gave her a reason to leave. Maybe I could have left a message in one of her favorite flowers each time I sent them to her. I literally sent her white roses every day. I could have maybe left a message there. But how do you tell a girl you watched grow how you feel about her?


    I sighed and walked inside my walk-in closet and took our memory box, then walked back to my bedroom and fell back on the bed. Looking at the first picture of a 9-year-old little L and a 16-year-old me, I smiled and fought tears because I knew I messed up. She didn’t even take this box with her. Does that mean she wanted to forget all about me? The box had all sorts of pictures: our dates, our birthday celebrations. On our trips outside the US, I took thest picture. It was the picture of her on her prom day with me. As I was about to put the picture away, I felt there was something behind the picture. I flipped the picture over, and I saw a letter attached to the picture. I opened it up and started reading.


    To: My dearest knight in shining armor


    To my Prince Charming, I know you won’t probably read this. We have grown so much that we now have the weight of the world on our shoulders. Promises were made and promises were broken. I have been writing letters since we made that promise. But I never got to give you any of the letters because each time I tried to be brave, you would show up with yourtest fling. I neverined. As long as I got to be your friend and your little sister, I was okay. Learning to get over you was one of the hardest things to do. When I met you, I thought you were the most beautiful spaceman I had ever seen. I liked you, and I want to be your princess. It was childlike love then, and we made promises, one of which I kept even though I didn’t know what I was doing. When I turned 16, I developed feelings for you, and I couldn’t control how I felt. It was hard to watch you with yourtest flings in magazines every week.


    I didn’t even recognize the jealousy I had back then, but I learned to live with it. I loved you so much that I had to understand that I wasn’t of age. I was so sure that you were the one, but life had other ns for us. So many times you took me out, I thought you would tell me I wasn’t the only one feeling the connection between us. So many times I waited to hear that L wording from your mouth. I was so sure about my prom night, but nothing happened. Then there were my birthdays and ourte-night dinner dates; I guess I expected too much from you. I thought you would continue with your flings, but then Candice came along. I saw how you looked at her and how you loved her. That’s when I knew there would never be us. I learned to be your sister and your best friend and gave up the fairytale. I became an altruist and let you be happy with the one you love. I was okay.


    I won’t lie. It took me a while to get used to the idea that you wanted Candice, not me. Candice was cool and lively. Seeing you with her was hard, but I got over it. I wanted to let you know that. You were the best, even though the promises we made were broken. I also wanted to let you know that during that week when I stayed out, I wasn’t with a man. I lied because I wanted to see your reaction, and I lied that I started having sex. I wanted you to be my first. But then that will never happen since you are happy with Candice. As long as I get to be around you and be your best friend, I’m okay. After all, that’s what friends are for.ConTEent bel0ngs to N?v(e)lD/rama(.)Org .


    With love, Your Princess (Lolita)     I tried to process everything, but I failed. What have I done? She felt the same way about me this whole time. What have you done, Dante Monroe?