《El & Em [MM]》


 PART I Chapter 1

    Luke Clarkston signed his first record contract in 1972, when he was twenty-two years old. He''d been writing songs since he was twelve, joined his first band at fifteen, played gigs since high school. Making a record was exactly what he wanted next.


    First stop after leaving the record company''s office was to find a pay phone and call his best friend Eddie to share the news. Eddie had his own band and played guitar better than Luke; they were always each other''s first sounding boards.


    "Wow," Eddie said, impressed. "Where are you? Let''s celebrate, man."


    They met up at their usual spot near Gray''s Ferry, bought some beer and headed toward the river. In those days, neither of them had enough money to drink in bars.


    "I can''t believe I did it," Luke kept repeating. "I mean, I just walked in there with a guitar and played my songs and they bought it!"


    Eddie wanted to know all about the contract terms and conditions, but Luke could barely remember the details. "I dunno, man, Jerry took care of all that. He said it was good and I should sign so I signed." Jerry was his manager, a middle-aged man who also ran the local skateboard store, which was how Luke met him.


    "Well, what about the money? What kind of advance you get?" Eddie, tall and lithe and always a sharp dresser, fastidiously avoided the mud as they followed dirt paths toward the rail yard on the river''s edge.


    "Nothin'' yet but they say I''ll get enough to make the first album. Shit, I can''t believe I get to make a record! They''re booking me into this studio in North Philly in, like, two weeks."


    "Are you doing the singer-songwriter thing? Or with a band?"


    "A band, man! I''m making a rock and roll record."


    "Who you gonna bring with you?"


    "Jerry wants to approve everyone. But you''re comin'' for sure." Luke had grown up with piano lessons and was teaching himself guitar but he wasn''t confident in his playing; he wasn''t even really confident in his singing. The only thing he was completely sure of was his song-writing.


    "What, you want me to play on your record?" Eddie smirked, pretending surprise.


    "Well obviously. And the usual guys I guess - Pete and Leo. Petey''s a bit loco but he does a solid bass, and he knows all my songs by now."


    A chain link fence surrounded the rail yard. They reached the section where a hole had been made through the links and Luke, who was smaller and scrawnier and never thought about his clothes, slipped through it, then paused and waited for Eddie.


    "And Gord Cortez," Luke went on, watching as Eddie carefully pushed back all the broken wires and gingerly stepped through. "Hope he''s free. You know I write those piano parts but I can''t play ''em."


    "He''s cool. Classical training I think."


    "He''s got this jazzy edge, he really knows what I like."


    "You think that advance''ll be enough to pay everyone?"


    "Better be, it''s all I got."


    Another short path through a few bushes led them to their favourite spot at the edge of the murky grey river, and Luke threw himself down under a tree on the bank. Eddie perched on a stone beside him, handed out the beer, and started rolling a joint.


    "You wanna check out Harlow''s later?" Eddie asked. "I heard they got a new house band."


    "I dunno, I told Sheryl I''d hang around with her tonight," Luke said, still thinking about the upcoming recording session. "Wish I could find some kind of horn player - a sax or trumpet or something." He leaned back on his elbows and stared upwards, trying to catch a glimpse of the city behind them. "Just for a few tracks."


    "I can ask around, pretty sure some of those R&B cover bands have horn sections."


    "I don''t want just anyone though," Luke said. "I gotta have the best for this."


    "Sure." Eddie handed the joint to Luke and smiled down at him suddenly. "Remember when we used to sleep out here, when we didn''t want to go home?"


    "Like I could forget." Luke chuckled. "It''s way better havin'' my own pad now. Least there''s a bed."


    "It wasn''t very comfortable," Eddie agreed. "But kinda fun. Anyway..." He leaned over to throw an arm around Luke and kiss his cheek. "Congratulations, man. This is pretty cool."


    Luke grinned up at him and clinked his beer bottle against Eddie''s. "Thanks. Your turn next."


    As they sat in silence, looking out over the water, Luke took stock mentally. He had a guitar, a bunch of songs, a record contract, a girlfriend, a place of his own. All he needed now was that horn player, and his life would be complete.


    ***


    The first album came out at the end of 1972. Luke learned a lot about production and engineering, and everything took much longer than he planned, but he ended up with the record he wanted. Unfortunately, no one else seemed to want it much. Jerry insisted that the record company release one of the tracks as a single, but it got no airplay and disappeared into oblivion.


    Luke didn''t let that get him down. He put together a small band - just Leo, Pete and Gordon; Eddie was busy with his own projects - and launched a haphazard east coast tour. Jerry helped him book some gigs and they got a bit more money out of the company, which Luke used to buy a second-hand car that just barely fit the band and their equipment. His friend Art - an older man who''d helped him get into clubs when he was under-aged and acted as a bit of a mentor - came along to wrangle equipment and help out, while Jerry stayed back to run the store.


    The tour expanded slightly toward the mid-west, with shows at bars in Buffalo, Cleveland and a few smaller towns in between, but by the spring of 1973 Luke was back in Philadelphia and feeling a bit lost. His contract with the record company was for three albums, but he wasn''t sure he wanted to start work on the next one just yet. By this time Sheryl had long since tired of waiting for him, and Eddie had taken a gig out in Chicago. Even Luke''s own apartment was gone - given up during the tour - and he was crashing in a back room behind the skateboard store, which Jerry loaned him in exchange for occasional help up front.


    Summer rolled around, and nothing much had changed. Luke was trying to fix some teenager''s long-board and mentally running through the local bars he might be able to hit up for a gig when his old friends Ray and Jos¨¦ came into the store.


    "My man, my man," Ray greeted him enthusiastically. "We heard you was back in town. What''s new with you?"


    Luke stopped working to hug and slap hands and catch them up on his current situation. Ray and Jos¨¦ were part of the old crowd he and Eddie had hung with since high school, both of them now working in theatre lighting or costumes or set design - something like that, Luke wasn''t quite sure.


    "Well, if you''re free tonight you should come by the Artemis," Jos¨¦ said. "We''ll be there and man, the place is jiving these days."


    "There a cover? Cuz I ain''t ..."


    Enjoying this book? Seek out the original to ensure the author gets credit.


    Jos¨¦ waved dismissively, cutting him off. "You''re on the list. C''mon, we might even have a surprise for you there." He and Ray exchanged looks that slightly intrigued Luke.


    "Well, if I can make it, I will," Luke promised.


    That evening he put on a clean pair of jeans and a close-fitting white tank, borrowed $5 from Jerry, and took the SEPTA over to Sansom St. He knew he was early - the club wouldn''t really fill up till closer to midnight - so he dropped into a few bars, trying to negotiate paid sets for the following weeks. Even without airplay, a released record gave him enough cachet that he was able to book a few shows, which lifted his spirits a bit.


    When he''d finished making his way through most of the strip, Luke headed over to the Artemis, the hip local disco, and found Jos¨¦ had kept his word about getting him on the guest list. Inside, the lights pulsed, the speakers blasted funky Philly soul, and the dance floor was just starting to fill up.


    As he walked through the room looking for his friends, Luke felt the usual interested gazes on him. He''d hung around with Ray and Jos¨¦ and the rest of their gang long enough to understand this scene, and that being a skinny 23-year-old with long hair and still boyish features would draw attention from the mostly male crowd. It was kind of flattering, really.


    The O''Jays were calling on people to start a love train when Luke eventually located Jos¨¦ in a booth at the back of the room.


    "Hey!" Luke yelled over the music. "You workin'' here?"


    "You made it," Jos¨¦ cried in delight, coming out to peck Luke''s cheek. "Honey, you''re a sight for sore eyes."


    Luke looked around. "What about Ray, he working too?"


    "He''s supposed to be helping me, but I think he spends most of his time hanging out in the DJ booth."


    "So what is this, you doin'' lights for these guys?"


    "This and that," Jos¨¦ said airily. He glanced across the room and gave a little nod; Luke followed his gaze to see Ray waving at them from a box housing the DJ and sound system. As James Brown took over from the O''Jays, Jos¨¦ flagged down a passing waiter to order drinks and introduced Luke to a couple of other people standing nearby. Luke chatted amiably for a few minutes until Ray appeared, greeted him with a kiss, and shot a quick conspiratorial glance at Jos¨¦.


    "What is it, man?" Luke asked, smiling curiously. "You two look like you got some kinda secret you don''t mean to share."


    Ray smiled back and shook his head. The drinks arrived and Luke picked his up, then paused with the bottle half-way to his mouth. He turned toward the speakers with a slight frown, hearing a growing chord progression that sounded both intimately familiar and wildly out of place. "Hang on now, that sounds like - wait - is that...?"


    Jos¨¦ and Ray were crowing openly now, delighted with their success.


    "But..." Luke stared at them. "My music don''t fit in here! It''s rock and roll, not disco. There''s gonna be some kinda riot, everyone''s gonna walk off the dance floor!"


    "No way." Ray shook his head. "Drag queens fit in every disco, my man."


    For a moment Luke had forgotten that. This song was actually one of the quieter ones on his album, not a ballad exactly - he didn''t do ballads, not then - but a kind of jazz-inflected narrative poem about a performer he''d met once who''d been all glamour and stardust and charm. He held his breath and watched the crowd on the dancefloor as they slowed down, swayed a bit, and adjusted to the new beat. It wasn''t a disco beat, it was a lot closer to rock than disco, but they didn''t leave, they found a new groove for it, and in a minute the whole crowd was undulating to the rhythm of his own music.


    The next morning Luke walked out of the back room, found Jerry, and told him he wanted to start working on his next album.


    ***


    Before they contacted the record company to set up studio time, Luke called Eddie in Chicago to find out when he''d be back. Fortunately, the contract was wrapping up and Eddie promised to be in town and available to help by late August. Jerry negotiated for two weeks at the studio in mid-September, and in the meantime Luke set up rehearsal time with Pete, Leo, Gordon, and the instrument tech, Art.


    Once again, Luke had a stockpile of songs to choose from. At this time he was always writing new material, sitting in his little room behind the store at night with his acoustic guitar, coming up with an outline or riff or fragment of lyrics. He''d take it to the guys to flesh out when they rehearsed next, then work out the bumps during their frequent local bar shows. Now he just had to decide which selections to commit to tape during the upcoming sessions. Last time they had recorded seventeen or eighteen songs, of which only ten made it on to the album.


    Working with the band on his latest embryonic creation, Luke remembered one of his frustrations during the last recording session.


    "It needs more," he said, stopping abruptly and pushing aside his guitar. "More than what we got."


    The others looked at him, nonplussed. "More what?" Leo asked.


    "I dunno - percussion? Horns? I want, like...a deeper rhythm track. That Phil Spector sound." Luke ran his hands through his hair. "And I want...a different sound for the solos. Gordon, your stuff is - it''s excellent, I love your work. It just don''t quite add up. I need something ... fuller."


    He was pacing around the small space now, the garage Gordon''s mom let them rehearse in. Leo and Gordon watched him; Art leaned against the back wall and lit a cigarette.


    "It''ll sound fuller when Eddie''s here," Leo suggested.


    "That ain''t exactly it. I don''t just want more guitar."


    "Didn''t you bring in some other guys when we made the last record?" Gordon asked.


    Luke shook his head. "Yeah, that''s the thing. Me and Jerry kept finding these guys to add a bit a'' this and a bit a'' that but they never really...I mean, I wanna work with someone now, when we''re figuring out the songs."


    "So..." Pete slapped a restless hand against his bass. "What kind of player you looking for exactly?"


    "I think I want horns the most. Something to fatten the rhythm, and then break out once in a while. Anyone know anyone?"


    "Hey, I used to work with this guy..." Leo brightened suddenly. "He played trumpet and maybe something else, I forget...he had a great sound, kinda bluesy, but he could play anything, R&B, jazz...big guy, real nice, worked hard. You''d like him, I think."


    Luke stared at him. "Why ain''t ya ever tell me this before! Where is he now, you know how to find him?"


    It took some hunting down and a bit of time, but eventually Leo confirmed that the trumpet player he remembered was currently in a band backing up a singer Luke vaguely knew, a white guy named Mel who covered R&B songs mostly for the college crowd. That band had a weekly gig at a bar out near University City, where Leo and Luke agreed to meet one Friday night.


    Luke arrived first and could hear the band playing already so he went inside and found a table near the front. He nodded at Mel and took in the scene. The mostly young white crowd was either up front dancing or back at the bar drinking. The band was mixed and numerous, with a swinging rhythm section that included multiple sax, trombone and trumpet players, as well as back up singers and other assorted musicians.


    Even with the number of people onstage, Luke had no trouble picking out the trumpet player Leo had mentioned. Though he was at the back with the rest of the horns, this man stood out. Leo had said he was large and he was - a mountain of a man, both tall and muscular, with massive arms, and shoulders that took up space when he raised his trumpet. His playing wasn''t showy; he worked in harmony with the other horns and didn''t try to upstage anyone. But Luke thought he would have noticed the man even if he hadn''t been in the market for a trumpet player.


    Leo arrived shortly after Luke and joined him at the table. After a rousing first set the band took a break, and Luke went over to say hello to Mel while Leo headed off to find his old band mate. When Luke returned to the table, Leo was sitting with the trumpet player.


    "Hey Luke, this is the guy I was telling you about - Emmett Evans. Emmett, this is Luke."


    Emmett put out his hand. "Pleasure, man...I''ve been hearing a lot about you lately, it''s great to meet you."


    "Well, I wish they woulda told me about you before," Luke said. His hand looked pale and tiny inside Emmett''s large, dark one. "I''da come by earlier."


    Leo said something about getting drinks and left them alone at the table. It occurred to Luke that Emmett was quite a bit older than him, perhaps closer to 30, which, along with his size, was a bit intimidating. "You guys sound great up there," Luke said, covering up with a compliment. "You been with Mel for a while?"


    "About a year now," Emmett said. He seemed friendly, guileless, like he was happy to chat without wondering too much about Luke''s agenda. "The band''s just starting to get tight, you know - it''s hard with such a big sound, so many players."


    "You do mainly R&B covers?"


    "Well, that''s Mel''s thing. Myself, I do a little bit of everything, but in this band I just try to keep the rhythm going."


    "And you play trumpet, cornet...? Leo thought maybe somethin'' else as well?"


    Emmet laughed easily. "Oh, I''ve tried a few things but it''s mostly trumpet and harp."


    "Really - harmonica?"


    "Yeah, not in this band, you know, it doesn''t really fit in. But I grew up playing blues and gospel mostly, a bit of jazz, so I just play whatever fits in best."


    Despite his imposing size and age, there was something in the way Emmett spoke that made Luke feel safe and comfortable around him. Leo returned with beers and passed them around. Hopefully those came free for the band, otherwise Leo would be wanting to be paid back. The three of them clinked bottles lightly and Luke wondered how to ask Emmett if he''d consider leaving his current productive employment and dedicating himself to a scrawny song-writer with lots of ideas and not much money.


    Fortunately, Emmett turned the conversation around politely. "I heard you got a record contract, is that right?"


    "Yeah, we put out the first album last year. Two more to go." Was this the moment to ask?


    "Congratulations, man! That''s cool." Emmett''s smile was sunny and sincere. "Have you been touring?"


    "We done a bit last year, but not lately. I - we..."


    "You write all your own songs?"


    "Yeah, yeah, I write, we only do originals."


    "I can''t write, but I really prefer original music." Emmett lifted his beer and finished half of it in a gulp. "You have any gigs in town? I''d love to see you guys play, maybe I could even sit in sometime."


    Luke stared into Emmett''s frank, open face, and rolled the dice. "How about tomorrow?"

 Chapter 2

    <div>


    Emmett Evans carried his instruments with him everywhere. Even in college, he''d slide a harp into his pocket before he left home in the morning. You just never knew when an opportunity to play might come up. In the years since he''d graduated, as his dreams of pro wrestling faded away and he slipped into the routine of work and family, music had become even more important. He''d play anything, with anyone, and if nothing else came up he''d carry his trumpet and harmonica into the local live music bars and ask if he could sit in. That led him to a few paid gigs with different bands, and if Clarissa wasn''t thrilled about him being out every night, she didn''t mind the extra cash he brought home to supplement his meagre social worker''s income.


    Mel''s band was the latest in a string of these gigs. The watered-down R&B covers were a bit stale, but Mel himself was decent enough, the vibe was laid back, and the work was regular. It would do till he found something better. Emmett didn''t exactly know what he wanted musically, but he preferred the new blues-rock sound over the soul and R&B hits he usually got pegged into and he thought it might be exciting to learn original songs ¨C songs he hadn''t played a thousand times before.


    Of course he''d heard of Luke Clarkston. Emmett knew everyone in the Philly music scene, even though he hadn''t grown up there ¨C he''d moved to town for college and then just stayed ¨C and had played with most of them at one time or another. Luke had been part of the scene, in a variety of different bands, at least since Emmett graduated, a good eight years back. Their paths hadn''t crossed but Emmett always meant to look up Luke''s latest band some day and ask if he could sit in.


    And then Luke just showed up one night looking for him. That was a surprise, but gratifying. Emmett had liked Leo when they worked together, many years before, so his introduction set them off on a good footing. Luke himself was younger than Emmett expected; more boyish and long-haired, kind of a pretty hippy type on the surface. But he was friendly and polite, the minimum Emmett looked for in an employer, and at times he seemed to turn on a little charm, like he really wanted Emmett to like him, which was a bit flattering.


    It was only the next day, when they played live together for the first time, that Emmett was sure of him. Luke''s songs were different, full of fire and passion and driving rock beats with lots of room to bring in a trumpet line or a refrain on the harp. Generally, when he joined a band on stage, Emmett didn''t like to grandstand ¨C it tended to annoy the band''s leader, who likely was or would be his boss. But from the beginning, Luke encouraged him to explore; he''d settle the rest of his band into a groove and give Emmett a smile and nod that told him he was free to show off what he could do.


    Emmett had a blast that night; it was everything he''d hoped for. The music felt fresh and exciting ¨C new to him but with a base in electric blues or jazz; not so different that he couldn''t keep up, couldn''t find rhythms and techniques from his past and apply them. And Luke ¨C who had seemed so slight and diffident the night before ¨C turned into a firebrand onstage. Not just confident but hypnotic, magnetic; playful and mischievous at one moment, a prowling powerhouse the next. Emmett could see him reading the room, feeding off the crowd to fuel the band''s energy, and control the flow of the show. So young to be commanding a room so skillfully; he''d obviously been doing this for years.


    After the last set, Emmett stayed behind for a couple of drinks with the band ¨C he''d have some explaining to do with Clarissa later ¨C and heard about Luke''s plans for his next album.


    ¡°We''re booked at the studio for two weeks starting next Tuesday.¡± The adrenaline drained, Luke had already transformed back to that mellow, amiable kid he''d seemed to Emmett the night before. ¡°I got a bunch of songs ready but there''s a couple I always wanted to add horns to. Never thought about harp but I could see that workin'' in a few places too.¡±


    Emmett made no effort to hide his eagerness. ¡°You want me to come in for a couple of days?¡±


    ¡°Yeah but I don''t wanna waste studio time figuring out your parts. Can you meet us a bit beforehand? I know you got another gig but maybe during the day¡­?¡±


    ¡°How about right after work? Say around five-thirty?¡±


    Luke stared at him, then broke into a grin. ¡°Man, you work for a living? Like, nine-to-five?¡±


    ¡°Yeah.¡± Emmett wondered if that made him seem uncommitted. ¡°I mean, I can still ¨C ¡±


    ¡°Huh, a real grown-up with a job, I never knew one of those before,¡± Luke said, but he sounded more impressed than mocking.


    They settled on a time a couple of days later when, Luke assured them all, Eddie would be back and able to join them. Emmett didn''t know who Eddie was but he got the address of their practice space and showed up twenty minutes early, instrument case in hand, ready to go.


    Luke was easy to work with. He knew what he had in mind for the songs they were working on ¨C a horn solo here, a bit of added texture there, a longer line at the end of one song ¨C but was open to input and gave quick feedback, letting Emmett know what he liked or didn''t like. They worked out Emmett''s parts over the course of a few days, and a week or so later Emmett met him at the studio.


    By this time the foundation tracks for their songs had already been laid, so Emmett only had to layer his pieces on top. When he was finished, Luke paid him at a very fair rate and said he''d be in touch soon. Emmett would have loved to stay and see more of the recording process but he didn''t want to push his luck so he shook hands with Luke and the rest of the guys and headed home, wondering if he''d hear from Luke again.


    A month or two later, he did. The album was in final production, scheduled for release in the new year, and the record company was sending Luke out on a real tour to promote it. Luke wanted Emmett to join the band.


    ***


    Of course there were complications. Sometimes it seemed like Emmett''s life was always complicated. To start with he had to sell Clarissa on the idea that he''d be away for four months at least. Luke had said something that sounded like ¡°maybe six¡± but Emmett didn''t think it was worth mentioning that possibility. Understandably, Clarissa didn''t like the idea of being home alone with the boys for such a long time, and when Emmett asked his mother to help out, she immediately sided with Clarissa.


    When that struggle was finally won ¨C he told them both how much money Luke had offered, and promised to come home any time he had more than a three-day break in the schedule ¨C Emmett had to talk to Mel about quitting his band. That was only a bit easier, as it turned out that Mel was somewhat jealous of Luke''s success and bitter about losing one of his own to the competition. Privately, Emmett thought that Luke hardly considered Mel a rival ¨C Luke probably never considered Mel at all ¨C but he didn''t like to burn bridges so tried to make it sound like a purely economic decision.


    Then there was his day job. Emmett worked as a counsellor at a state-run training school for boys; he''d been there for years, had a good schedule and liked the kids, so he hesitated to give up the position. Clarissa would never have allowed it anyway. After a bit of scrambling, Emmett made a deal with another social worker, a substitute at the home who was looking for full-time hours and happy to take on Emmett''s shifts for a few months. The managers didn''t like it, of course, but Emmett turned on the charm and talked them around.


    Meanwhile, the tour was planned for early the next year, and in the interim Luke''s manager booked a bunch of gigs in the tri-state area so the guys could start working together and gel as a band. Rehearsals started immediately.


    Emmett kept his head down at first, playing it safe while he scoped out the situation. This whole venture was far more big-time than anything he''d been part of yet, so he was excited and a little nervous, not wanting to blow his chances.


    The other guys were friendly enough. Having another brother in the band was promising, though Gordon''s background was very different from Emmett''s. It was easy to pick up again with Leo, and Pete¡¯s chaotic energy could be appealing, but Emmett was a bit wary of the older instrument tech, Art, who had an aggressive edge and often seemed to be on the verge of an explosion. Eddie turned out to be a sharply-dressed, hip-looking white kid, about Luke''s age, who played guitar and was apparently some kind of musical mastermind. He and Luke were tight, often conferring together on arrangements and solos, and everyone accepted him as Luke''s second in command.


    The first time they met, at a rehearsal, Eddie looked Emmett up and down and gave an admiring whistle. ¡°You didn''t tell me the new guy was an actual mountain of a man,¡± he said to Luke with a raised eyebrow, then turned back to give Emmett a welcoming clap on the shoulder.


    The next day, when Emmett walked into the room, Luke looked up and said, ¡°Here comes the mountain,¡± and from then on, Mountain was how he was known.


    Emmett didn''t mind that. He knew he was a big man, and he had no quarrel with people pointing it out. In other bands, he''d generally been expected to play a de facto bouncer role, helping to keep unruly crowds under control or protecting the lead guys when someone rushed the stage. With Luke being so young and lean, it made sense he''d want the same thing. Emmett always tried to keep an even temper and not overuse his disproportionate size and strength in conflicts. In his youth he¡¯d been quicker to act, but these days he valued his self-control.


    Stolen novel; please report.


    They spent the next few months rehearsing and playing live, and every day Emmett grew more sure he''d made the right choice. This kid was the real deal. Luke had an almost startling conviction, an absolute clarity in his vision and faith in his songs that made you forget he was only twenty-three. He had things he wanted to say with his music, and he meant to say them. As easy-going as he could be over a beer or hanging out at the end of a show, Luke ruled over the band''s work with ruthless precision.


    ¡°This is not a democracy,¡± he''d say occasionally, somehow taking the edge off his words with a self-deprecating laugh. ¡°I been in those bands before and they ain''t for me. This is my band. It''s gotta sound like I want it to.¡±


    The only voice Luke deferred to when it came to his music was Eddie''s, and even then only occasionally. The two of them would argue and debate during practices, trying out one idea after another, sometimes appealing to the others, who mostly just waited around for the two of them to come to a decision. Emmett liked it when Luke asked his opinion, and did his best to provide good advice. But oddly, even though Eddie seemed to be at all the rehearsals, he only joined them onstage once in a while.


    ¡°What''s the deal with Eddie?¡± Emmett asked Leo curiously, as they waited once again for him and Luke to settle on a key for the current song. ¡°Is he in the band or not?¡±


    ¡°I guess not,¡± Leo said. ¡°He has his own band now, I guess he doesn''t have time for ours as well.¡±


    ¡°But he''s always here.¡±


    Leo shrugged. ¡°This is just where he hangs out. Him and Luke, they''ve always worked together, even when they''re in different bands. Eddie did most of the lead guitar on both Luke''s records. I think Luke''s still hoping he might come on tour with us, but I doubt that''s happening.¡±


    ¡°Does Eddie have a record contract too?¡± Sometimes Emmett thought anything might be possible with these two.


    ¡°No.¡± Leo smiled at him faintly. ¡°I dunno how he feels about that.¡±


    Luke was using this period to try out new songs and arrangements, test set lists, and experiment with the live act before the tour kicked off. As the work went on ¨C developing and arranging in rehearsals, testing out in the live shows ¨C Emmett found his role in the band changing. He held back at first, careful not to overstep, playing only where and when Luke directed him. But as Luke added new songs, or reworked old ones, he seemed to seize on the possibilities that Emmett''s instruments opened up, like a boy excited by new toys. He worked closely with Emmett to build them in ¨C filling up rhythm layers with the trumpet, finding spaces for the harp, adding whole new solos. Luke even liked Emmett''s voice and had him add the occasional backing vocal when he wasn''t playing an instrument.


    Encouraged, Emmett put more power into his horn playing, and Luke would respond by trading off lead lines with him, so that Emmett''s trumpet soon replaced Eddie''s guitar in the harder-edged songs when they played live. In looser, more jazzy pieces, they''d take turns stretching out into solos, Emmett''s trumpet following Gordon''s piano or Luke''s guitar; and in the slowest, moodiest songs, Luke used Emmett''s harp to add a kind of melancholy undertone.


    For Emmett, it was a revelation. He''d grown up on the standards ¨C the blues, jazz and gospel classics, the soul and R&B hits; they were all part of his muscle memory. But Luke took him to new places, in directions he''d never even considered or thought possible. He was quickly convinced that, whatever people might think about Eddie, Luke was the actual musical genius.


    Onstage, Luke gave his full focus to the live experience. At every show, he seemed to size up the crowd and make a personal connection with everyone in it, subtly adjusting his performance each night in mysterious ways that Emmett didn''t quite understand but could see the impact of. Luke delivered every song with total conviction, without a hint of irony or reserve. For the deep, intense narrative powerhouses, he''d stand at the mic under a single spot with eyes shut tight and guitar slung behind his back, looking like he''d moved onto another plane of existence. For the more rousing rockers he''d jump around the stage in infinite motion, bouncing from one band member to the next, carrying his mic out into the audience, bounding onto speakers or the top of the piano, pulling the crowd into sing-alongs and chants ¨C brash one moment, goofy or self-mocking the next, always mesmerizing.


    At first Emmett assumed that Luke''s live persona ¨C the boyish charm and playfulness heightened with sparks of intense emotion ¨C was an act, a performance contrasting with the real-life seriousness he applied to his craft. But no, that was backwards. Those moments on stage, sharing what he felt most deeply, finding communion with a crowd singing his own words back to him, creating a kind of transcendent shared experience ¨C those were what Luke lived for. Everything else was just what he had to do to get there.


    ***


    Emmett''s mama always told him he should dress well to be treated well. Emmett had seen enough news through the years to have his doubts about that, but he still agreed that good clothes could be the best armour. He generally wore dress shirts and ties to work, and jackets on stage. One of his first paycheques from Luke went to the purchase of a stylish white suit, followed by dressier shoes, updated glasses, and a nice hat as the cheques went on.


    When he''d started performing with Luke''s band, he wondered if he might be over-dressed. Pete and Leo leaned toward non-descript white-guy clothes ¨C bell-bottoms or cords with wide-collared button-up shirts ¨C while Luke himself only ever wore jeans and a t-shirt. Gordon had some nice outfits but he was generally hidden behind the piano or keyboard. It was kind of a relief on the nights Eddie joined them, as his modish hats and snazzy suits made Emmett feel relatively staid in comparison.


    In any case, there didn¡¯t seem to be any problems with his appearance. Though Luke grew more despotic with the rest of the band as the tour drew closer, and his previously even temper sometimes frayed under the stress, he seemed to give Emmett a lot of leeway. In fact, when Emmett asked about anything not directly related to music ¨C where he should stand on stage, what time he should show up before a gig, which dressing table he should use in the greenroom ¨C Luke seemed reluctant to give him any instructions, usually responding with something along the lines of, ¡°Whatever you want, Mountain.¡±


    During performances, Emmett focused tightly on his work, trying to reflect the most recent changes made in rehearsals while still keeping up with whatever Luke was doing live. He took up a position on the right of the stage, near the back, and concentrated on switching from one instrument to another, stepping up to his mic to add backing vocals when needed, and keeping a close eye on Luke. In those early days, he didn''t think about the audience too much; that was Luke''s business. Emmett''s job was to support Luke and, to a lesser extent, the rest of the band.


    The odd time something would go wrong on stage, and Emmett tried to step in where he could. Luke spent a lot of time out in the audience and occasionally Emmett helped to extricate him ¨C the bars didn''t have a lot of security, and the crowds were often enthusiastic, rowdy and drunk. Emmett would keep a close eye on the audience and wade in to make space for Luke when it looked like he was in danger of being overwhelmed.


    Other times, Luke''s long jaunts through the room would create a tangle of mic or guitar cables that threatened to trip him up, or he''d knock over a mic stand or speaker on his way back. The band didn''t have much of a crew, just lighting and sound board, and the equipment wrangler backstage. When Art wasn''t in sight, Emmett jumped in to untangle the cables or right the equipment. He didn''t quite know what to do when young women would rush the stage to force kisses on Luke, who professed to be flattered but really, Emmett suspected, disliked the attacks.


    An even bigger problem often loomed after the gig was over, or sometimes beforehand, while the band paused for a drink after sound check, when the volatile Art inevitably succeeded in striking up one of the altercations he seemed to live for. They ranged from shouting matches to knock-down drag-out fights, and could involve anyone from a hapless bar patron or the bartender to another band member or one of the support crew. Emmett grew mighty tired of hauling Art¡¯s sorry ass off of dumbfounded drinkers or his own co-workers. The worst of it was that despite his apparent unpredictability, he often managed to pick moments when neither Luke or Jerry were around to see the chaos. And no one wanted to be a snitch.


    But most of this was par for the course as a local bar band, and none of it dampened Emmett''s overall excitement.


    The album released just before Christmas, and Luke played the whole thing at a special session with the band. Afterward Emmett bought a copy to show Clarissa and the kids, and played it over and over again at home. The band took a break over Christmas, then re-grouped in early 1974 for a few more rehearsals and shows, with the tour scheduled to take off at the beginning of March and last until at least June. In the new year, Luke spent more time stressing over planning and logistics with Jerry, who had taken to dropping in on practices as well as shows now. There was an extended discussion about who would actually be part of the tour, and in the end Jerry and Luke settled on band members ¨C minus Eddie, who declined to join them ¨C plus Jerry, light and sound techs, and Art.


    ¡°We can''t afford roadies,¡± Luke advised the band, filling them in before they started rehearsal. ¡°So sorry boys, we''re all gonna have to do the loading and unloading.¡±


    They had a real practice space now, with heating and power and even a desk at the back where Jerry worked while the band played.


    Art already looked steamed. ¡°You guys better haul your own equipment, man. You know about my back.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, we get it,¡± Luke said shortly, and Emmett exchanged rolled eyes with Gordie. ¡°You can help Jerry drive.¡±


    ¡°What are we gonna be riding?¡± Pete asked.


    ¡°We got an actual bus this time!¡± Luke crowed. ¡°Well, ok, it''s like one of those short school buses. But a bus. Should be room for all of us plus equipment, but no girlfriends or buddies or, you know, your mom. Keep your baggage light and do laundry on the road.¡±


    At the back of the room, Jerry looked up from the phone call he was on. ¡°Hey, Luke! Looks like your single''s finally getting some airplay.¡±


    ¡°Wha-at?¡± Luke stopped tuning his guitar and stared over at Jerry in amazement. ¡°It is?¡±


    ¡°Well, that''s the good news. The bad news is that it''s on college radio, which you know no one actually listens to. And also¡­it''s the B-side.¡±


    ¡°What?¡± Luke said, laughing now. He grinned at Emmett. ¡°The B-side''s the worst song on that album.¡±


    ¡°How come they''re playing it then?¡±


    Jerry shrugged. ¡°Who knows what college kids like. B-sides I guess. You should be glad; they''re your main audience you know.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, fine, I''ll make a new set list of B-sides only,¡± Luke grumbled.


    ¡°And by the way,¡± Jerry added, hanging up. ¡°You guys need a name. I don''t know what to put on the contracts.¡±


    Emmett, Gordon and Luke looked at each other, the same idea apparently occurring to all of them simultaneously.


    ¡°All right, all right!¡± Luke said, laughing. ¡°Luke Clarkston and the B-Sides it is.¡±

 Chapter 3

    A week before they were supposed to leave, just when Luke was daring to think that the universe was on his side, a new crisis erupted and delayed their start.


    It was after one of their final shows, at a club in North Philly, where everything had gone smoothly and Luke was at last satisfied with the set, song flow and arrangements. The band played till last call, so once they finished the crowd was sent off and the club left empty except for a few staff and Luke''s band, loading out their equipment.


    Luke was at the bar, settling up with the club manager, when a sound rose up gradually from the back. He didn''t pay much attention at first ¨C angry voices were a staple of the tear-down process at the end of an exhausting night ¨C but the clamour quickly grew to abnormal proportions, with loud bangs and thuds added to the rest of the tumult.


    The manager and Luke exchanged looks, and Luke shrugged apologetically. He glanced around for Jerry, who had probably already left, and then at the stage. No one was there; the noise seemed to be coming from outside, where the band''s rented Econoline was being loaded.


    Then Leo put his head in the back door. ¡°Luke! You better get out here. Emmett''s got Art in a choke hold. I think he might kill him!¡±


    ¡°Oh shit.¡± Luke broke into a run.


    Outside, Emmett was indeed clenching a purple-faced Art in what looked like some kind of wrestling hold, while Art clawed helplessly at Emmett''s muscular forearm and kicked out his feet. Luke couldn''t see Emmett''s face but Gordon stood beside him with a hand on his shoulder, speaking to him in a low voice.


    ¡°Emmett!¡± Luke shouted, racing toward them.


    Gordon turned to him with a warning look, his hand tightening on Emmett''s shoulder. ¡°Don''t make it worse,¡± he said to Luke.


    Luke stopped abruptly, but at that moment the tension in Emmett''s body seemed to drain, and his grip on Art relaxed. A moment later he stood up, paused for a second while Art choked a little on the ground, then gave Luke a blank look and walked slowly past him, through the back door into the club.


    The others stood around, staring at each other and then at Art.


    ¡°You okay?¡± Leo asked him finally.


    Art gasped for breath, and struggled up to a sitting position. ¡°That son of a bitch tried to kill me. Look at this!¡± He reached up to his neck, now ringed by a bright red rash. ¡°You see this? He''s fucking crazy. That''s it, Luke ¨C he¡¯s gotta go!¡±


    No one else had moved. Luke ran a hand through his hair, then reached down to help Art to his feet. ¡°Jesus, Artie, sorry about¡­but I don''t get it, man, what happened?¡±


    ¡°I told you, he''s crazy! He just ¨C he just lunged at me without warning!¡±


    ¡°But there must have been something¡­I better go talk to him.¡±


    ¡°What is there to talk about?¡± Art demanded. ¡°You saw what he did! I''m telling ya, we can¡¯t keep working with that motherfucker.¡±


    His position seemed reasonable enough. Luke glanced around at the others, who were looking away, and finally nodded, slowly. ¡°Okay. I''ll go¡­¡±


    ¡°He used a racist insult,¡± Gordon said suddenly.


    Luke stopped mid-turn, and turned back. ¡°What?¡±


    ¡°This one.¡± Gordon gestured with contempt at Art, who was now propped against the van. ¡°You know Emmett''s been keeping him in line single-handedly for weeks, and Art doesn''t like¡­¡±


    ¡°Fuck off, asshole!¡± Art cut in viciously. ¡°Keep out of this, it''s none of your business.¡±


    It was an odd relief to find that the situation might be more complicated than Luke had first thought. He frowned, then nodded at Gordon. ¡°Can you come over here, Gordie?¡±


    The two of them walked to a quiet corner of the parking lot, where Luke asked Gordon to tell him the full story. Gordon quietly explained that Art had been causing trouble regularly for weeks, mostly in Luke''s absence, and Emmett had been stepping in to stop fights and smooth things over. Tonight, after one too many incidents, Emmett had lost his temper ¨C verbally, Gordon stressed ¨C and threatened to tell Luke the next time it happened. Art had retaliated with a barrage of threats, insults and abuse, which Gordon repeated with cold precision.


    ¡°Leo heard it all as well. He''ll back me up.¡±


    ¡°Art used that word?¡± Luke asked, disbelieving.


    ¡°Not the first time.¡±


    Luke blanched. ¡°I''m sorry, Gordie. I didn''t know.¡±


    ¡°I don''t blame Emmett for losing it. He was mighty provoked.¡±


    ¡°Me neither. I can''t believe I been friends with Art all these years and never knew he was like that.¡±


    Gordon gave Luke a look that he couldn''t quite read.


    ¡°Anyways, thanks for telling me. Let''s go back.¡±


    They walked across the parking lot to where Art was now sitting in the open van doorway, holding his neck and talking with animated anger to the rest of the guys, who stood around uneasily.


    ¡°Art, you''re fired,¡± Luke said. He did feel a slight pang when he said it ¨C they''d known each other a long time ¨C but no doubts.


    ¡°What? I''m fired?¡±


    Luke glanced around. ¡°Leo, you mind finding him a cab? He ain''t riding in the van with Em. He can take the cab to a hospital if he wants. Art, you''ll get your last paycheque next week. Okay, boys, finish up the loading and wait for me while I go find Emmett.¡±


    He thought he saw a few small smiles among the other guys as he turned around and headed back to the club.


    Inside, the room was almost dark, the lights off and the manager just finishing up at the bar. Luke looked around until he saw Emmett, his dark skin blending into the shadows in a corner.


    ¡°Hey, Em,¡± Luke said quietly.


    Emmett looked up without speaking. As Luke drew closer, he could see in Emmett¡¯s eyes what he was afraid of.


    ¡°It''s okay,¡± Luke said quickly. ¡°Art¡¯s out, you''re staying. I hope.¡±


    There was a silence, and Luke slowly lowered himself into another chair in the corner. After a moment he added, ¡°I didn''t know what was happening. I''m sorry you got stuck with all that.¡±


    They both sat quietly, until Emmett finally spoke. ¡°I''ve been working so long on my temper. I really hate when I lose control.¡±


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    Luke nodded in the darkness. ¡°Same here. It ain''t always easy when you''re quick on the draw.¡±


    Emmett sighed. ¡°I haven''t seen you lose it.¡±


    ¡°Not yet. You will. And Art wasn''t pushing my buttons.¡±


    After another long pause, Emmett spoke in a different tone. ¡°We''re supposed to leave in a week. How are you going to get another tech up to speed in a week?¡±


    Luke gave a low chuckle. ¡°Don''t worry about that. This town''s crawlin'' with unemployed musicians, I''m sure I can find one who ain''t a fucking racist.¡±


    In the darkness, Emmett smiled slowly. ¡°Or a psychopath?¡±


    ¡°Neither. We''ll find us a nice normal equipment guy that gets along with everyone. Now come on, will ya? They want to lock the door here, and the guys are ready to go. Except for Art, he''s takin'' a cab.¡±


    As they walked to the back door together, Emmett put a hand on Luke''s shoulder. It was a large hand, heavy but warm, and somehow it filled Luke with a sense of comfort and security.


    ***


    Emmett stood on the street corner near his house, backpack and duffle bag on the ground in front of him, holding Robbie''s hand and trying not to show his excitement. Beside him, Clarissa stood stiffly in her blue wool coat and matching hat, little Walter in her arms.


    Walter, a few months away from his fourth birthday, leaned toward Emmett. ¡°When you come home, papa?¡± he asked, for perhaps the sixth time.


    Emmett let go of Robbie''s hand and reached over to take Walter. ¡°In a few sleeps, Wally,¡± he said, his excitement once again tempered with guilt. ¡°I''ll see you again before you know it. Do you remember what I told you about what you need to do while I''m away?¡±


    ¡°Yes. Be a good boy for mama and grandma.¡±


    Clarissa''s lips tightened as she reached over for Robbie''s hand without speaking. She might have agreed to this, but that didn''t mean she liked it.


    Emmett turned his head toward her and said in a low voice, ¡°Clary¡­¡±


    But she looked past him down the street. ¡°Is that it?¡±


    He turned. It was. Not a school bus exactly, but a short yellow bus that started honking as it got close enough for the driver to recognize him.


    In the end, the tour had only been delayed a few days. Luke had quickly produced an older cousin with limited musical experience but a knack for tinkering. Mark was calm, stoic, and a quick learner. Everyone approved of the new addition, and within a few days Luke was confident enough to give Jerry a revised date for the tour to start. Things happened quickly after that ¨C Emmett signed a contract, got an itinerary and instructions, finished his last day at work, did some final shopping for supplies, packed all his instruments and helped stack up equipment ready for loading. And now, here they were.


    The bus pulled up at the corner and Emmett kissed Walter one last time. ¡°Be a big boy for papa,¡± he whispered, setting his son gently on the ground. He reached for Robbie and lifted him up, then paused in surprise as Luke stepped out through the open bus door.


    ¡°Hey Em! Guess everyone''s here to see you off.¡± Luke went directly over to Clarissa and offered his hand. ¡°I''m Luke, the one taking your husband away from you.¡±


    To Emmett''s relief, Clarissa accepted his hand with a slight smile, as though even she couldn''t quite resist Luke''s charm.


    ¡°My wife Clarissa,¡± Emmett said hastily. ¡°And these are my boys, this one''s Rob and the little guy''s Walt.¡±


    ¡°Hi Rob, hi Walt.¡± Luke squatted down to look Walt in the eye. ¡°I promise to take real good care of your daddy and bring him home to you soon. Okay?¡±


    Walter nodded, and Emmett kissed Robbie, whispered a couple of words to him and set him onto the sidewalk.


    ¡°These yours?¡± Luke gestured at the baggage, picked up the duffel bag and turned to toss it into the bus.


    Emmett put his arms around Clarissa tentatively. ¡°See you, baby. Love you.¡± She kissed him back, none too enthusiastically, and he reached down to grab his backpack. When he turned to give them all a last look and a wave, Clarissa seemed more sad than angry.


    On the bus, Emmett grinned at Jerry, who was driving, and the rest of the guys, who called greetings to him, and lowered himself into one of the empty seats. Luke had already re-boarded and was sharing a seat with his current girlfriend, Wanda. Was he going to exempt himself from the rule about not bringing anyone else along? But at their final pickup stop, which was for Mark, the new instrument tech, Luke and Wanda both got off, and Emmett watched through the window as they said a lingering goodbye to each other while Mark loaded in his bags. Then Luke bounded back onto the bus alone, and they were off.


    ***


    The plan was to head north first, bypassing New York for now, then cut over to the west as far as Kansas City, south to Nashville or maybe Memphis, depending on what Jerry could line up, turn east again and finally work their way back up the east coast to Philly. The band generally had bookings every night or two, and Jerry was still working on more, particularly in New York where he was trying to line up a week''s worth of shows at one of the bigger clubs for sometime at the tail end of the tour.


    That first night they had a gig in Ithaca, and afterwards would spend the night in Syracuse to be ready for a show there the next day.


    ¡°No rest for the wicked!¡± Luke said gleefully.


    Having got off to a late start, they arrived shortly before the band was due to start, rushed and hungry, with just enough time to unload and set up before the bar''s manager hurried them on to the stage. As usual, Luke''s mood switched instantly when the lights turned on him, and even Emmett, who had seen a lavish spread in the greenroom that he hadn''t had chance to sample, quickly forgot his hunger in the joy of playing.


    It was Emmett''s first time playing a real tour and he wondered how different the shows would be. But the bar in Ithaca, with its low stage set in front of a smoke-filled room full of run-down wood tables and chairs, and its small crowd of enthusiastic music fans mixed with stalwart drinkers, could have easily been exchanged with any one of the local Philly venues.


    They did two sets and the second one was even more fun, after Emmett grabbed a bite to eat during the break. Afterward Jerry allowed them a half-hour or so to rest and finish off what was left of the catering before announcing that it was time to finish loading up the bus and get on their way.


    Emmett, fortified, took on his full share of lifting and carrying, loading equipment through the bus'' back doors. There was no separate storage space, so the three back seats were piled high with baggage, instruments and stage equipment, leaving just enough room for the band and crew at the front.


    When Emmett got on, he slid his bulky frame into the last empty seat and leaned his forehead against the window, watching as Luke and Jerry chatted with the bar manager under the street lamps in the parking lot. Luke favoured jeans that were more straight-legged than the flares most guys wore, giving him a slimmer profile in the dusky light. After a few minutes the men wrapped things up with handshakes and claps on the shoulder, and Jerry and Luke crossed the empty lot to climb up into the bus.


    ¡°So¡­¡± Luke said, heading up the aisle toward Emmett as Jerry took the driver''s seat. ¡°How''s your first night on the road?¡±


    ¡°I thought it went pretty good, sound wasn''t too bad considering the set up time.¡± Emmett looked up brightly, still wired after almost four hours of playing.


    The others were slumped into their seats, drained, leaning against windows with closed eyes. Luke glanced around at them before swinging himself into the seat beside Emmett.


    ¡°Yeah, it¡¯s better when we get a sound-check beforehand. The guys had no time for lights or sound.¡±


    ¡°Sounded good to me though.¡± Emmett slid over a bit to make more room for Luke. ¡°And the crowd seemed happy.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, good crowd tonight, lotsa response.¡± Luke stood up, did a quick headcount, and called out to Jerry: ¡°All accounted for, let''s move out.¡± He dropped down again and leaned his head against the seat back, then slid a sideways glance at Emmett. ¡°You see those two chicks in the front, the one with the red sweater¡­?¡±


    ¡°The blonde with the dark-haired friend, yeah, I thought she might try to rush the stage at one point.¡±


    ¡°I seen them before, maybe in Buffalo or something. They must follow us around.¡±


    ¡°Or they''ve got friends here in Ithaca. I didn''t see them backstage after.¡± The bus had begun to move, pulling slowly out of the parking lot and onto the road, the interior dimming as neon and street lights faded behind them.


    ¡°You get enough to eat?¡±


    ¡°Oh man, that spread in the greenroom¡­!¡± Emmett enthused.


    Luke laughed. ¡°Yeah, you know, I don''t eat much before we go on, I still get too nervous¡­¡±


    ¡°But you ate some after though, right?¡±


    ¡°You ain''t worried about me, are you?¡± Luke asked with his self-deprecating chuckle. ¡°You sound kinda concerned.¡±


    ¡°I kinda am.¡± Emmett looked down at him, marvelling openly. ¡°You keep it up for three and a half hours straight, hardly any break, no food¡­! One of these days you''re gonna pass out.¡±


    ¡°I ate enough after, though. Hey, you got a coupla real cute kids, man.¡±


    Emmett couldn''t help his proud smile. ¡°Yeah, they''re good boys.¡±


    ¡°Cutest kids I ever seen. And nice to meet Clarissa. She wasn''t looking too happy though.¡± Luke shot Emmett another one of his sidelong glances. ¡°She ain''t thrilled about you comin'' along on this tour, I guess.¡±


    Outside the bus windows, dark empty fields rushed by, the town already faded behind them. Emmett didn¡¯t want Clarissa''s resistance to reflect on his own enthusiasm. ¡°I mean, she''s worried about being on her own with the boys. But I have my mother coming in to help her out. She''ll be okay.¡±


    ¡°If you say so.¡± Luke dropped his head against the seat back again. ¡°Wake me up when we get to Syracuse,¡± he drawled, shutting his eyes.


    ¡°Sure thing,¡± Emmett promised, and turned his face to the empty black square of window beside him.


    By the time the bus pulled into their motel on the outskirts of Syracuse, Luke''s head had fallen onto Emmett''s broad shoulder and Emmett barely had the heart to shake him awake.

 Chapter 4

    The tour routine fell into place quickly. They''d play a concert, pack up, drive to the next location, crash at a cheap motel, and wake late in the day with a few hours to spare before another show or onward drive. Only Jerry got a private motel room; Emmett elected Gordon for his room-mate, and even Luke shared with Mark. In his free hours Emmett tried to keep up with laundry, work out with the weights he''d packed, maintain his instruments, or pick up postcards and trinkets for the boys.


    A couple of weeks in, Emmett noticed Luke giving him an odd look after a show, as though he couldn''t quite make up his mind whether to say something or not.


    ¡°What''s up, man?¡± Emmett asked, trying to sound reassuring. When something awkward was in the air, his experience said it was best to get it out into the open as soon as possible.


    ¡°Yeah, hey, Mountain¡­I was just wonderin'' if you might want to move up a little more for your solos. Y''know, we could put a spot on you, let you have a moment out there with the crowd. What do you think?¡±


    Emmett thought that sounded ¨C surprising. Lead singers weren''t usually so eager to put spotlights on anyone besides themselves. But he shrugged and nodded agreeably. ¡°Sure, if that''s what you want. I can do that.¡±


    ¡°Cool, thanks.¡± Luke looked relieved. ¡°I''ll talk to Jos¨¦ about the lighting.¡±


    There it was again, that slight hint of deference Emmett kept picking up, as though Luke was worried about offending him. Emmett didn''t quite know what to make of it.


    Later, when he and Gordon stopped for a nightcap at the motel bar before crashing, as they often did, Emmett tried to sound him out a little.


    ¡°Hey Gordie, what''s the deal with Luke anyway?¡±


    Gordon was a hugely proficient young musician, and also a bit of a nerd, fastidious and precise, which made him a good room-mate. ¡°What do you mean, what''s the deal?¡± he asked.


    ¡°I mean¡­you''ve been working with him for a while now, right?¡±


    ¡°Five and a half years.¡±


    ¡°So what''s he like to work with? In the long run?¡±


    ¡°Luke''s a good guy.¡± Gord spoke definitively, with a little shrug. ¡°Not the most educated.¡± He meant something specific by that. ¡°What you see is what you get, really.¡±


    ¡°I mean, I know he''s brilliant, musically at least. And he''s kind of a control freak about that. But then he doesn''t seem to care about anything else.¡±


    ¡°Well, he''s been playing since he was very young. I believe I met him when he was 18, and he''d been around for a while by then. So, you know. It''s his life.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, but¡­¡± Emmett frowned down at his beer bottle, trying to figure out what he was trying to say. ¡°I mean, he acts like the boss when we''re practising. Like, you play one note out of time and he''s all over you! But then¡­he doesn''t give a shit where you stand on the stage, or when you get to the venue, or whatever else.¡±


    Gordon was smiling at Emmett, as though amused by his confusion. ¡°He doesn''t care about those things when you''re doing them.¡±


    Emmett stared at him. ¡°What do you mean?¡±


    ¡°I mean¡­I think it''s a bit different with you. Maybe he''s kind of scared of you.¡±


    ¡°Scared? Of me?¡±


    Gord laughed. ¡°You''re a big guy, ''Mountain''¡±.


    ¡°Oh, come on. He doesn''t think I''m going to hurt him.¡±


    ¡°No.¡± Gord stopped laughing and grew serious again, which was kind of his natural state. ¡°But you know, you''re older than us and you''ve been around, you''re married with kids and a job¡­I think he''s afraid you won''t take him seriously, or you''ll decide he''s just a kid and go find some other band.¡±


    Emmett¡¯s eyebrows lowered over narrow, disbelieving eyes.


    ¡°He likes you,¡± Gord said simply. ¡°He doesn''t want to lose you. So he doesn''t tell you what to do.¡±


    ¡°Huh.¡± Emmett finished his beer and thought about that. He remembered being a kid back on the farm in Virginia and his grandfather telling him, those cows are more afraid of you than you are of them. Here he was worrying about making Luke happy, and it turned out Luke was worrying the same thing about him.


    Whether because of his exchange with Luke or with Gordon, Emmett stopped trying to stay in the background after that. He took up more space on the stage, closer to the front, and enjoyed his moments in the limelight. Not only did he start getting a spotlight during his solos, but for the longer ones Luke seemed to deliberately recede into the darkness behind him or on the other side of the stage, as though to avoid being a distraction for the audience.


    Before long Emmett found his customary high spirits taking over. Being naturally coordinated, he''d always had some solid dance moves despite his large size, and on good nights now he''d break them out, boogying across the stage as he played or limboing down to the ground during particularly dramatic trumpet breaks. The rest of the band looked on with amusement or indulgence, Pete scrambling out of his way; but Luke in particular seemed to relish his antics, often coming over to join in, or shouting ¡°Moun-tain!¡± into the mic to egg him on, or just watching with a kind of awed delight. Emmett still paid close attention to Luke and could easily pick up his signals, so that the two of them were soon riffing in harmony, trading goofy back-and-forth moves that would leave them both laughing, exhausted and sweat-drenched by the end of the night.


    Emmett couldn''t remember when he''d had more fun. It was hard to believe that this was his job, that he was being paid for it, that his co-conspirator was his boss.


    ***


    ¡°So how old are you anyways, Em?¡±


    ¡°I''m thirty-one.¡±


    Luke whistled. ¡°Wow, wiser and older.¡±


    ¡°Older anyway.¡±


    ¡°How''d you come to get married so young?¡±


    ¡°I wasn''t that young. It was just after college, I think I was twenty-three. You think that''s young to get married?¡±


    ¡°I''m twenty-three now and I ain''t married.¡±


    Emmett smiled. ¡°Well, you''re hardly an example.¡±


    ¡°Whazzat supposed to mean?¡± Luke asked, mock indignant.


    The bus lumbered through dark city streets on its way to the highway. Luke had swung himself in beside Emmett like it was the natural thing, while the others all dozed around them.


    ¡°You''re not exactly what my mama would call an example of a good Christian young man.¡±


    Luke laughed, like he always loved to laugh. ¡°Ye-ah, well, I''d have to agree with her on that. So is that what you''re supposed to do when you''re¡­what are you, Pentecostal¡­?¡±


    ¡°I''m Baptist. My grandpa was a preacher. My family takes it pretty seriously.¡±


    ¡°My family''s Catholic but not so serious. You, like, go to church regular?¡±


    ¡°Not so much now, but growing up, sure, mama wouldn''t have it any other way.¡±


    ¡°And you''re supposed to get married early, being Baptist?¡±


    Emmett laughed. ¡°It''s not like that. More like it was just expected in my family. You know¡­go to college, get a good job, get married, have kids.¡± Get accepted by the white world, he added in his head.


    Luke glanced at him quizzically, like he was checking things off mentally. ¡°And¡­you did ''em all, right? Your mama must be proud of you. You did everything just like you''re supposed to.¡±


    ¡°I guess so. It just seemed to, kind of, follow on, one thing after the other.¡±


    ¡°I mean, my momma woulda liked me to do all those things too. College, job, family. But, man, I just couldn''t see it.¡±


    ¡°You never went to college?¡±


    ¡°I never even finished high school. I knew what I wanted, I was never gonna do nothing else, so why pretend?¡±


    ¡°I always wanted to play music too but my mama would never hear of that being a full-time thing. Just something to do on the side once I got all the real adult stuff taken care of.¡±


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    Luke settled himself against Emmett''s shoulder. ¡°This still a side thing for you?¡±


    That was the question, wasn''t it? ¡°So far,¡± Emmett said. He lifted an arm to make room for Luke. ¡°I guess.¡±


    ***


    Outside a motel near Columbia, Missouri, Luke tilted his chair back to lean against the wall and picked out notes on his acoustic guitar. The afternoon sun slanted into his eyes so he shut them and concentrated on the new melody he was working on to fit some lyrics he''d drafted the night before.


    Today was an off day, no gig, and they wouldn''t start driving till later in the evening. Luke had already met with Jerry, called Wanda, and walked into town with Ray and Jos¨¦ to look for more t-shirts to wear on stage. Nothing left to do now but perfect his craft.


    He opened his eyes and saw Emmett headed towards his own room, a laundry bag slung over his shoulder.


    ¡°Hey, Em!¡± The chair dropped onto the ground and Luke leaned forward to wave at him. ¡°Finished your chores? Come sit with me.¡±


    Emmett flashed his sunny smile and nodded. ¡°I''ll just drop this off.¡±


    In a minute he was back, looking breezy and cool in sunglasses, sandals and a loose unbuttoned shirt. ¡°Working on something new?¡± he asked, taking a chair on the other side of the table.


    ¡°Yeah.¡± Luke played a couple of idle notes and gave Emmett an admiring glance. ¡°You get a haircut today?¡±


    ¡°Yeah, Ray recommended this place in town. What do you think?¡±


    ¡°Looks sharp. I been thinking it''s time to ditch the long hair, get with the times. Leave the hippy stuff behind.¡±


    Emmett reached over to muss up Luke''s long thick curls. ¡°Hard for you to go wrong with those locks.¡± He pulled a harp out of his shirt pocket and blew into it gently, adding a little harmony to Luke''s tentative guitar lines.


    They played together for a few minutes, Luke murmuring some of the words he''d written and trying different notes while Emmett instinctively adjusted his accompaniment to match. Then Luke dropped the guitar onto his lap and turned toward Emmett.


    ¡°Hey, man, can I ask you something?¡±


    ¡°Sure.¡± Emmett lowered the harmonica and looked at him curiously.


    ¡°Last night when we got in and I asked if you wanted a drink, you said no, right? But then later¡­I happened to look in the bar and there you were with Gordie.¡±


    They faced each other across the table. Emmett had a fixed neutral expression, and Luke tried to appear casual. ¡°I mean, I got no problem with that but I just wondered. You change your mind?¡± He paused. ¡°I thought we were pals too.¡±


    Emmett laughed. ¡°Sure we are.¡± He folded his arms on the table and gave Luke a sudden affectionate look. ¡°It''s not that. I guess I''m just not used to hanging out with the boss.¡±


    ¡°The boss?¡± Luke frowned and picked up the guitar again to help himself think. ¡°I''m not ...¡±


    ¡°You are, though.¡±


    They were silent for a moment, Luke strumming irritably and not sure where his sudden annoyance came from. Didn¡¯t he want to be the boss of this band? Why did it feel like an affront for Emmett to think of him as one? ¡°Listen. You remember that contract you signed before we left?¡±


    ¡°Sure.¡±


    ¡°It says we''re splitting all the money from this tour equally, right? So how am I the boss? In the studio, sure, okay, that''s another story. But on tour ain''t we all the same? No one''s boss here, ''cept for maybe Jerry.¡±


    Emmett was looking at him with a funny mix of skepticism, amusement and a kind of sympathy. ¡°Or Jos¨¦,¡± he suggested, smiling. ¡°Sometimes I feel like he''s in charge of everything.¡±


    ¡°All the important stuff,¡± Luke agreed, cooling down instantly. ¡°Lights. Outfits. Hair.¡±


    ¡°Ray''s in charge of hair.¡±


    Luke resumed his nascent song, trying out the last arrangement again while Emmett added the harp. ¡°Guess I''ll have to ask him about cutting mine all off then.¡±


    ***


    ¡°Sandwich?¡± Luke held one out to Emmett, sliding into the seat beside him.


    ¡°No thanks, I ate well.¡± Emmett grinned and patted his jacket pocket. ¡°And I have a few tucked away for later.¡±


    The bus engine hummed, street lamps slipped away outside the window, and inside the other seats were shrouded in shadows.


    Luke wolfed down his sandwich hungrily. ¡°Didn''t get time to eat. Great show tonight. Hey, thanks for covering for me back there.¡±


    ¡°No problem. Not my first time on stage with a guitarist with a broken string.¡±


    ¡°I liked that little bridge you did, the ¡®Road Runner¡¯ riff.¡±


    ¡°My brother taught me that years ago, he said it''s always good when you need a filler.¡±


    ¡°You got a brother that plays too?¡± Luke finished the sandwich and pulled out a beer to wash it down.


    ¡°Everyone in my family plays something. We''re all musical. I guess it''s kind of a church thing.¡±


    ¡°Not in my church.¡±


    ¡°Maybe that''s why y''all don''t go.¡±


    Luke laughed. ¡°How many brothers n'' sisters you got?¡±


    ¡°Two of each. What about you?¡±


    ¡°Just one sister, she''s younger. Way smarter ''n me.¡±


    ¡°What does she do?¡±


    ¡°She''s in college right now. Penn State ¨C that where you went?¡±


    ¡°I started at Lincoln, then switched to PSU.¡±


    ¡°On a scholarship?¡±


    ¡°Athletic scholarships, yeah.¡±


    ¡°Julie''s lucky, she got a full ride, otherwise she''d never afford it. My folks can''t do much for her.¡±


    ¡°My parents would move heaven and earth to make sure we got to college. They think it''s the way forward for us.¡±


    Luke glanced at him and nodded thoughtfully. ¡°What do they do?¡±


    ¡°Mama''s a teacher. My father has a small food market. How about yours?¡±


    ¡°Well, they¡¯re divorced now. My dad''s a steelworker and my momma still works in a cafeteria at the plant. I guess your family all gets along?¡±


    Emmett smiled. ¡°We''re pretty close, I guess.¡±


    ¡°Not us,¡± Luke said moodily. He tossed the empty bottle aside and made himself comfortable against Emmett. ¡°You grow up in Philly?¡±


    ¡°No, in Virginia. My folks are still there.¡±


    ¡°So you came to Philly for school and then¡­¡± Luke''s speech grew slower as the post-show adrenaline drained away. ¡°¡­mmm¡­and then never left?¡±


    ¡°Pretty much.¡±


    ¡°Lucky us, I guess.¡±


    ¡°What about you? Did you grow up in Philadelphia?¡±


    ¡°Not exactly, in Hatboro PA ¨C small town, about twenty miles away. Of course I went into the city whenever I could. Man, I couldn''t wait to leave home.¡±


    They laughed and the conversation went on, the two of them quietly exchanging personal histories and stories, Luke''s head dropping slowly against Emmett''s shoulder, until the rhythm of motion and the encompassing darkness lulled them both into sleep.


    ***


    After Columbia, Emmett and Gordon often stopped by Luke''s room to invite him along for a late-night drink. Luke would try to reciprocate by suggesting breakfast together the next morning, though most days he was too late.


    ¡°I''m still on that early morning kids and work schedule,¡± Emmett explained a bit sheepishly. ¡°I''m up by eight every morning, no matter when we get in. My breakfast was hours ago.¡±


    Luke tended to sleep till twelve and wander into the nearest restaurant in the early afternoon. Soon Emmett started sauntering in to join him, often with some of the others, saying he was ready for lunch by this time. Luke loved the group discussions where they''d hash over the events of the night before, the latest disasters and successes, the audience, the women, the drunks, the magical moments and near catastrophes.


    Afterward the other guys would head off to their own activities, but Emmett usually stayed behind for one more beer with Luke. Jerry, who also slept late to ensure he was in good shape for the long night drives, sometimes joined them to go over logistics or contract issues with Luke. When the talk turned to business, Emmett would listen quietly without joining in, and sometimes ask Luke questions after Jerry left, as though curious and eager to learn.


    ¡°So that bar in Ann Arbor, it''s part of a chain? And the contract was for five shows at the same chain?¡±


    ¡°Yeah, Jerry''s been tryin'' to settle on the fifth one but looks like we''re good for Knoxville now.¡±


    ¡°I guess that means we''ll go from Lexington to Greensboro through Knoxville then, right?¡±


    Luke laughed. ¡°I dunno, geography ain''t my thing. If you say so.¡±


    ¡°Seems like we aren''t going to make it back to Philly by June.¡±


    ¡°Don''t know that was ever likely. I think the record company wants to keep us out as long as possible, now they''ve invested in all this.¡±


    Emmett nodded soberly, and Luke knew he was thinking about his life back home.


    ¡°Listen, don''t worry, we''ll get you back to visit with your family soon. I think we have a break coming up after Jackson, you should be able to go home for a day or two.¡±


    ¡°That sounds good.¡±


    ¡°Hey, Mountain, something I been meaning to tell you.¡± Luke used the nickname when he was thinking about their onstage performances. ¡°You don''t need to worry about me when I''m out in the audience.¡±


    It had taken Luke a while to bring this up because in truth he liked the way Emmett watched out for him ¨C it made him feel safe and protected. But he didn''t want to be shielded from his fans. His whole desire, his goal in life, was to build a kind of sacred bond between himself and his audience. That was why he put himself out there, night after night. And then, the incident with Art had shaken him, especially the parts he hadn''t been aware of. Emmett''s physical strength and power could be overwhelming. If some hapless fool provoked him into violence, that was one thing, but Luke didn''t want to be responsible for it.


    ¡°I don''t?¡± Emmett gave him a dubious, concerned look. ¡°It seems like some of those people want to take you home with them.¡±


    ¡°I''m not saying I don''t need to worry. I''m saying you don''t. It''s not your job.¡±


    ¡°Sure, maybe not, but I don''t see anyone else looking out for you. Mark can''t be out there in the crowd when he''s managing the equipment backstage. And it''s dangerous, man ¨C you''re going to break a leg on those cables or get hit by a beer bottle.¡±


    ¡°The venues are supposed to provide security.¡± Luke spoke more firmly. He¡¯d steeled himself up for this conversation, and having his decision questioned rankled. ¡°I was just workin'' with Jerry on some revised contracts. From now on, if anyone gets hurt we get a bonus added to our fee.¡±


    ¡°More money isn''t going to help when you''re at the hospital in traction,¡± Emmett said sharply.


    ¡°Okay, it''s not perfect, but I don''t want you doing security, Em.¡± Luke tried not to let his voice rise. ¡°You''re not a bouncer or a stagehand. I want you up on the stage where you belong.¡±


    ¡°If you say so. So much for not being the boss, I guess.¡±


    Luke was only too aware of his own hypocrisy. He couldn¡¯t stop the sudden hot streak of misdirected anger that flooded him. ¡°It''s in your fucking contract! Trumpet, harp, backing vocals ¨C that''s your job.¡±


    His frustration was instantly replaced with regret when he saw the flash of betrayal on Emmett''s face. ¡°I''m sorry,¡± Luke said, wincing. He took a breath, then reached for Emmett''s heavy hand and held it in both of his own. ¡°I didn''t mean it like that. I just think you don''t know how important you are to the band right now.¡±


    Emmett didn''t pull away but his face was closed off, and Luke had the sinking feeling of weeks of effort thrown away.


    ¡°I don''t mean to tell you what to do. And I appreciate you lookin'' out for me, I always have. But it''s not fair to let you do two jobs ¨C well, three actually, since we''re all roadies as well.¡± Did that get him a hint of a smile? ¡°The thing is, Em, you''re not getting all that limelight on stage just because I''m a nice guy. I know what I got. Don''t you see how the audience responds to you?¡±


    Emmett turned his head slowly toward Luke, dark eyes narrowing in confusion behind his glasses. ¡°What do you mean,¡± he said, a guarded statement more than a question.


    ¡°They can''t take their eyes off you,¡± Luke said bluntly. ¡°I see it all the time. They''re following me until you start playing and then half the crowd is only focused on you.¡±


    ¡°Well, that''s not my fault.¡± Emmett sounded a bit exasperated. ¡°You''re the one who told me¡­¡±


    ¡°I ain''t complaining!¡± Luke almost laughed. ¡°You can''t help being the coolest guy in the room. You make the act more exciting; I got no problem with that. I''m just saying that''s why you''re here ¨C you''re a part of the show, not the support.¡±


    Emmett didn''t answer, his expression hard to read.


    ¡°I know what I got, man,¡± Luke repeated quietly. He was about to take his hand away when he felt it squeezed gently.


    ¡°So do I,¡± Emmett said.

 Chapter 5

    ¡°How''d ya get all this then?¡± Luke rubbed Emmett''s massive bicep playfully. ¡°Was it college football?¡±


    ¡°Wrestling, actually. I mean I played some football, but I got to college on a wrestling scholarship.¡±


    ¡°You ever try to go pro?¡±


    ¡°Yeah, I tried, but I''m not that good.¡± Emmett shrugged. ¡°It got me through school, and I went to a bunch of tournaments out of state so I got to travel and see things¡­¡±


    ¡°And you built this all up,¡± Luke said, gesturing appreciatively at him.


    Emmett grinned. ¡°I spent a lot of time in the gym.¡±


    They spoke in low voices, trying not to disturb the shadowy stillness around them. Below them the bus wheels rumbled faintly, and outside nothing was visible in the darkness beside the highway.


    ¡°I guess your youth was a lot healthier ''n mine,¡± Luke drawled.


    ¡°You didn''t play sports?¡±


    ¡°Not really. Just music.¡±


    ¡°When did you start playing guitar?¡±


    ¡°Guess I was about¡­13. I was already writing songs by then, on the piano I mean. Then I figured if I wanted to be in a band I better learn guitar.¡±


    ¡°So when was your first band?¡±


    ¡°Oh, I was 15, it was with some neighbourhood kids. I was the baby, the others were all around 18 or 19.¡±


    ¡°Was that with Eddie?¡±


    ¡°Naw, Eddie''s my age, we met a little later, maybe the next year.¡±


    ¡°You went to school with him?¡±


    ¡°No.¡± Luke had settled into his usual spot, leaning against Emmett¡¯s side, but he glanced up with a nostalgic smile. ¡°He grew up in a different town, a few miles over from me. But he was in a band too, we kept seein'' each other around in Philly when we were hangin'' around the bars, trying to get in.¡±


    ¡°So you figured it was better to work together instead of competing.¡±


    Luke laughed. ¡°Not exactly. I mean, we were in a coupla bands together for a while. None of ''em worked out for long. Wish Eddie was with us now, he''s way better than me on guitar and there''s some stuff I can''t do without him¡­But even so, this is the best band I ever had.¡±


    ¡°This is a great band, I love playing with y''all.¡± Emmett put his arm around Luke¡¯s shoulder and gave a quick squeeze. ¡°But you know, Luke, it''s your songs that really make it.¡±


    ¡°Are you tryin'' to suck up to me?¡±


    ¡°No, man.¡± Emmett smiled. ¡°I love your songs, I have since the beginning. Not just the music but the stories you tell.¡±


    ¡°That''s true, I like to tell stories.¡±


    ¡°Sometimes when I hear you sing, I feel like I missed the best party ever and you''re telling me all about it.¡±


    ¡°The funny thing is¡­¡± Luke yawned and sank further back against Emmett. ¡°I don''t even really join in the parties when I''m there. I feel like I spend more time watching other people so I can write about it later.¡±


    Emmett was quiet. ¡°That''s a bit sad.¡±


    ¡°But now¡­now I want my actual life to be the best party ever. I want people to look back years from now and wish they¡¯d been here with me. And you. And all of us¡­¡± Luke''s voice trailed away sleepily; he let his head fall back onto Emmett''s chest and they both drifted off.


    ***


    They had reached Kansas City, the western apex of their tour, and started on a meandering, generally southeasterly route back toward the east coast. As they headed further south, Emmett felt a vague sense of familiarity and foreboding. He hoped they wouldn''t run into any trouble; somehow, he didn''t think Jerry or Luke were prepared for it.


    After a show in Memphis the band had its only three-day break, and Emmett took an overnight bus to Philadelphia to see Clarissa and the boys. It was a short, tense visit full of painful thoughts unspoken by him and Clarissa, and others bluntly spoken by his mother. He wished he could find some way to make them understand the sense of vitality and urgency he got from working with Luke, but he knew that was impossible. Watching Clarissa interact with the kids, he suspected she felt something similar about her life at home. Both boys had developed noticeably in his absence, Robbie''s reading now much advanced, and Walt using new words and full sentences.


    Just before leaving, Emmett told Clarissa that the tour was likely to be extended for another month or two, and she barely spoke after that. Then it was another 13-hour overnight bus ride back to Nashville.


    ¡°How''s the family?¡± Luke asked him, when they met the next afternoon at the local diner.


    ¡°Everyone''s good.¡±


    Pete looked up from his plate. ¡°Long way to go for such a short visit.¡±


    ¡°Worth it.¡± Emmett said shortly, and again felt the impossibility of explaining his feelings in words. ¡°Luke, did you go back to see Wanda?¡±


    Luke shook his head without further explanation. Emmett wondered if he''d been through enough tension-filled home visits in his young life to avoid them now.


    After the break the band had shows lined up for several nights in Nashville and nearby, so Jerry had booked them into a motel just outside the city for almost a week. The rest of the guys had already settled in, and Emmett joined Gordon in their shared room on his return.


    Jerry liked to travel at night because there was less traffic on the roads and less pressure to reach their destination by a specific time. Heading out of town immediately after each show helped the band members deal with the immediate post-show low, as most of them simply crashed on the bus, falling asleep quickly in their seats. Even Emmett felt the drop, and he knew Luke did too, as he rested against Emmett''s shoulder and languidly rehashed the night''s highlights with him. But leaving at night also meant less time to spend with locals. A few fans inevitably found their way backstage, and there were always invitations to parties, but with Jerry rounding everyone up to get on the road again as soon as the bus was loaded, most opportunities had to be missed.


    Now, with the extended stay outside Nashville, the guys were excited about being able to socialize with people outside their own circle, party with the locals, and of course meet women. Emmett enjoyed spending more time backstage after the shows, talking with fans and folks in the local music scene, and he often continued the conversations at a nearby bar. But he always went home alone.


    Arriving back at the motel, he''d check outside their room for the pair of shoes Gordon left against the wall as a signal that he had company. Emmett had introduced the system, remembering how one of his ¡®boys¡¯ in college had used a similar signal to ensure their privacy in his dorm room. Gordon, the youngest in the band, lived at home with his parents in Philadelphia and had spent most of his waking life studying music. He didn''t have much experience with girls, and Emmett didn''t begrudge him this opportunity to sow a few wild oats.


    Seeing the shoes neatly set out beside their motel room door, Emmett walked over to a table and chairs near the parking lot. He was just as happy to be outside tonight, with at least a hint of breeze. It was almost the end of May by now, and temperatures had climbed as they moved further south. The small motel fans were no match for the accumulation of day-time heat that filled their rooms overnight. He hung his suit jacket over a chair back, pulled out a paperback novel from his backpack, and settled down to wait for the all-clear.


    Footsteps crunched in the gravel of the motel parking lot. Emmett looked up to see Luke walking in from the road, where a car had just dropped him off.


    ¡°Hey Em,¡± Luke said, catching sight of him and changing direction.


    ¡°Hey El.¡±


    Luke carried the fringed suede vest he''d worn onstage over his shoulder, wearing just a sleeveless shirt and jeans. By this time his long hair was gone, replaced with a jumble of brown curls that fell over his eyes periodically. ¡°Whatcha doin'' out here?¡±


    Emmett gestured toward the shoes. ¡°Gordie''s got company.¡±


    ¡°Oh.¡± Luke paused and nodded at his own motel room. ¡°Mark''s still out, wanna use mine?¡±


    ¡°It''s okay. Too hot to sleep anyway. I''d rather be out here.¡±


    Luke hesitated briefly, then came over and pulled up a chair beside Emmett. ¡°Yeah, you''re right.¡±


    ¡°You have a good night?¡± Emmett didn''t like to ask direct questions about what Luke did after shows; it seemed like prying.


    ¡°Some industry party; Jerry told me I had to go with him.¡±


    ¡°How was it?¡±


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    Luke shrugged. ¡°They''re all the same. Jerry and Mark are still there. I got bored.¡±


    ¡°I thought you liked parties,¡± Emmett said playfully.


    ¡°Real parties I like. Not this snoozefest with all the suits tryin'' to show how hip they are.¡±


    Emmett laughed. ¡°How hip are they?¡±


    Luke pressed his hands to his head, miming pain. ¡°Worst thing I ever seen. If I knew you were free I''da made you come with me.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, sounds like I missed a swell time.¡±


    ¡°You''ll see.¡± Luke gave Emmett''s arm a friendly punch, then looked at him curiously. ¡°So what do you do when you bring back company and Gordie''s already got the room?¡±


    ¡°I don''t. I''m a married man.¡±


    ¡°Oh, right.¡± Luke smiled, then shot him another glance. ¡°How''s that goin'' anyway?¡±


    ¡°It''s all right. How''s it going with Wanda?¡± Emmett asked, pointedly changing the subject.


    Luke chuckled and looked down as though slightly chastened. ¡°Ain''t easy though, is it?¡± he said quietly. ¡°Your first time being away from each other?¡±


    ¡°Yeah. And¡­the boys, especially.¡±


    ¡°I bet. I wanna have kids some day but I''m sure glad I don''t have ''em now. It''s hard enough just with chicks. You know when you leave town one of you is likely gonna fuck it up. Or just stop waiting.¡± Luke broke off abruptly. ¡°But I mean, that''s just me.¡±


    Emmett shrugged noncommittally. It had already started to occur to him that there might be something fundamentally incompatible between his old life and this one.


    ¡°Did you tell Clarissa the tour''s bein'' extended?¡±


    ¡°I said it might be¡­¡±


    ¡°It''s for sure now. Jerry says we''ll be home around the end of July.¡± They sat in silence for a moment, then Luke put a hand on Emmett''s forearm. ¡°I''m sorry, man.¡±


    ¡°Don''t be sorry. It''s great the tour''s doing so well.¡±


    ¡°I''ll try to get another break in when we''re closer to home.¡±


    ¡°It''s okay.¡±


    In the distance, Emmett saw his motel room door open, and two figures stood pressed together in front of it for a moment, before a young woman¡¯s shape detached from the tableau. As she headed across the parking lot to her car, Gord looked around for Emmett and gave him a wave.


    Emmett returned the wave, then glanced back to Luke. ¡°Looks like I''m allowed to go into that sauna now.¡±


    ¡°Maybe wait a bit.¡± Luke¡¯s hand still rested on Emmett¡¯s arm. ¡°Hey, Em, you know, I didn¡¯t want to say it, but ¡­ me and Wanda, we split up.¡±


    ¡°Oh ¨C ¡± Emmett felt his eyes grow wider as he took in the news. ¡°I¡¯m sorry, man.¡±


    ¡°Naw, it¡¯s okay. Even when I¡¯m not touring, I never seem to make it past nine months with anyone.¡± Luke gave Emmett a sheepish, reassuring glance. ¡°It¡¯s just me, man. Not everyone breaks up on tour.¡±


    Emmett wondered about that. ¡°Well, I guess at least you¡¯re¡­¡± he began awkwardly.


    ¡°Free? Yeah, don¡¯t do me much good when Jerry¡¯s riding us like a drill sergeant. Anyways, I really ain¡¯t up for anything right now.¡± Luke seemed to hesitate. ¡°Listen, I know Gord¡¯s been getting a lot of action these days ¨C and so¡¯s Mark. If those two are gonna keep us out of our rooms at night, maybe they oughta share and¡­and you and me could bunk together.¡±


    It went against Emmett¡¯s nature to resist such a friendly overture, but he¡¯d learned over time that things were not always as they seemed. Luke was a hard one to figure out. Emmett studied his face for a long moment, trying to read the slight self-consciousness in it. He even considered the proposal for a moment before concluding it was a bad idea, though he couldn¡¯t say why. ¡°Thanks, man. But it¡¯s okay, Gordie¡¯s no trouble.¡±


    ¡°Sure,¡± Luke said quickly.


    ¡°Uh¡­¡± Emmett moved his arm gently. ¡°Guess I¡¯ll go in then.¡±


    They walked back toward their rooms together, and Luke reached up to give Emmett''s arm a squeeze. ¡°Hope I didn''t bring you down.¡±


    ¡°No sweat, Luke. Good night.¡±


    ¡°Night, Em.¡±


    They went into their separate rooms, Emmett absently reaching over to rub his arm where Luke had held it.


    ***


    The next morning, as soon as he finished breakfast, Emmett called Clarissa from a payphone outside the motel office to tell her about the extension. Long distance calls were expensive so the conversation was mercifully short. Afterward he sat outside in the gathering Tennessee heat and wondered if he was doing the right thing. He knew that joining Luke''s band and going on tour had in some way violated his unstated contract with Clarissa; their mutual commitment to stable, respectable, middle-class life. But he was still providing for his family, and if he wasn''t yet making more money from the band than he would have from his salary, he had more faith in Luke''s future than he did in his social work job. Emmett knew in his bones that Luke would make it sooner or later; pretty white boys like Luke who also happened to be musical geniuses always did.


    Of course the separation was difficult for his family, and might only get worse if the band got bigger. Years ago, when he had just finished college and couldn''t find work right away, Emmett had considered joining the service. He and Clarissa had talked then about what it would mean for him to be away on tours of duty while she might be home alone raising children. Back then, she''d been supportive and willing to accept this as the price of a better future. But she didn''t seem to see his current occupation in the same light. It''s true that he had a lot more fun playing with Luke''s band than he ever would have had in the army. Did that make it a worse choice? Were he and Clarissa just looking at the world differently now?


    The travel hiatus was over all too soon. From Nashville they detoured north to Louisville and Lexington, then back down to Knoxville and east again towards Virginia. Increasingly, the small towns, the terrain and highways, reminded Emmett of his youth. He didn''t especially miss the south, but he wondered if it might be possible to manage a side trip to Floyd to see his father and grandma.


    In Winston-Salem, the band played three full sets at a downtown bar with a single open window for ventilation, finishing up drenched in sweat and unsteady from the heat. Luke, in particular, was faint by the end of the show but the whole band had to recover in the greenroom while the crew and Jerry did most of the load out.


    For once Luke had no energy for questions on the bus, falling against Emmett almost immediately and shutting his eyes as Emmett looped an arm over his shoulders to support him. When they arrived in Greensboro a couple of hours later, Emmett didn''t even try to wake Luke, just scooped him up like a baby in his arms and carried him off the bus.


    Luke blinked awake in the fresh air and laughed sleepily, putting a hand on Emmett''s forearm. ¡°Thanks, Em,¡± he said. ¡°I''m okay now.¡±


    Emmett put him down and they walked into the motel with Emmett''s hand on Luke¡¯s back just to be safe, waiting with the others while Jerry spoke to the clerk at the front desk about their reservations. Everything proceeded routinely until, at some point, the clerk looked around at the group standing in the lobby and abruptly switched from friendly and welcoming to a cool, formal tone that Emmett recognized immediately.


    ¡°Oh, excuse me, sir,¡± the clerk said. ¡°I''m afraid there''s been some mistake. It looks like we don''t have those reservations after all.¡±


    Jerry stopped moving and stared. ¡°What are you talking about? You just said everything was set.¡±


    ¡°It looks like there was an, uh, error on our end. I apologize. Those rooms aren''t actually available.¡±


    ¡°But we booked them months ago.¡± Jerry stabbed a finger at the reservation book on the counter between them. ¡°You have it right there!¡±


    ¡°What''s wrong?¡± Luke, still a bit groggy, walked over to join Jerry, who seemed entirely flummoxed. Behind him, Emmett and Gordon exchanged looks, rolling their eyes.


    ¡°He says they don''t have¡­¡±


    ¡°Now let me see what I can do here,¡± the desk clerk said smoothly, flipping through his appointment book. ¡°Why, I think I can find you four rooms, we just don''t have that fifth room free.¡± He looked Jerry full in the face. ¡°Perhaps two of your party might be able to find accommodations somewhere else for tonight.¡±


    It took Jerry and Luke a minute to process what the man meant. Meanwhile, Gordon and Emmett were silently conferring. On another night, Emmett wouldn''t have stood for it. But they were all close to passing out and Luke, in particular, was in no shape for a confrontation. Emmett lifted an eyebrow questioningly.


    After a moment Gordon shrugged back. ¡°Guess we''re really in the south now,¡± he said under his breath.


    Emmett took it as agreement. ¡°Hey guys,¡± he said, stepping forward to put a hand on Luke''s shoulder. ¡°Me and Gordie can go somewhere else. I''m sure this¡­gentleman can direct us to a more accommodating motel. We''ll just take the bus and pick you up in the morning.¡±


    Jerry had moved from incomprehension to outrage. ¡°But that¡¯s illegal,¡± he sputtered at the clerk.


    Luke was wide awake now. He turned away from the front desk and faced the rest of the band and crew. ¡°C''mon guys, let''s go. We''ll find a place that''s got room for all of us.¡±


    ¡°It''s okay, Luke, you don''t ¨C¡± Emmett began, but Luke was already at the door, not waiting for a response or looking to see who followed him.


    Jerry leaned over the counter to hiss a few final words at the clerk before joining Luke. Emmett shrugged at Gordon and headed to the door, relieved to see the others were doing the same.


    They all walked back to the bus in silence. Jerry pulled Luke aside to confer on where to go next, while the rest climbed on board and Emmett decided, just for tonight, to sit beside Gordon. When Luke came up the aisle a minute later, glanced at him with an unreadable expression, and then sat alone, Emmett almost regretted it.


    ***


    The next morning Emmett walked to a nearby diner for breakfast, and then went to look for a phonebooth. He''d checked the schedule and realized Greensboro was as close as they''d get to Floyd, which was still a couple of hours away, so he didn''t think he''d get that visit in; a slightly cheaper long distance phone call with his pop and grandma was the best he could do. Afterwards he found a YMCA and got a decent workout in.


    When he got back to the motel in the early afternoon he found Gordon sitting in the shade outside their room looking amused.


    ¡°You missed a doozy,¡± he said, as Emmett came up. ¡°Luke''s been in there giving Jerry hell all morning.¡±


    ¡°Jerry? Why?¡±


    ¡°Somehow it''s all his fault that neither one of them expected to run into this kind of shit in the south.¡±


    Emmett pulled up another chair and smiled slightly. ¡°I kinda thought they weren''t ready for trouble.¡±


    ¡°Luke was all apologies to me this morning. Totally blamed himself. I swear I saw tears. Then he went in to Jerry''s room and blamed him for everything.¡± Gordon seemed to find it all very entertaining today. ¡°I''ve never heard him like that before, he went ballistic.¡±


    Emmett glanced around, but no one else was in sight and the motel was quiet now. He leaned back against the wall and pulled his hat down over his eyes. With the shade of the awning and a slight northern breeze, it was bearable out here. They''d arrived late last night without incident, Jerry going into the motel first to ensure there would be rooms for everyone, and Luke uncharacteristically withdrawn. Emmett remembered the way Luke had looked when he got on the bus, the way the others had all been so quiet, and wondered how awkward things would be today.


    Gordon nudged him suddenly. ¡°Here he comes.¡±


    When Emmett turned, he saw Luke loping purposefully towards them from the other end of the motel.


    ¡°I already had my share of that sweet liberal guilt,¡± Gord whispered, getting up. ¡°Your turn now. See ya.¡± He gave Luke a friendly wave and sauntered off.


    ¡°Morning Em,¡± Luke said, approaching


    ¡°Afternoon El.¡±


    Luke chuckled briefly. ¡°Alright, afternoon. Mind if I sit down?¡±


    ¡°Sure.¡±


    ¡°So listen, I''m real sorry about last night.¡± Luke spoke bluntly, but his face held a trace of that expression Emmett had been unable to read last night; now he realized it was embarrassment.


    ¡°It''s not your fault.¡±


    ¡°It was kinda my fault for not thinking about it. It never crossed my mind.¡± Luke shot Emmett a quick glance. ¡°I bet it crossed yours.¡±


    ¡°I grew up in Virginia. I know how it is.¡±


    ¡°That don''t make it any easier, I bet.¡±


    ¡°It doesn''t. But there''s not much you can do about it.¡±


    ¡°We could''ve checked in advance. Jerry''s gonna do that every time from now on. Okay?¡±


    Emmett half shrugged, wondering why he had to give his approval. ¡°Shit happens, man. But listen to me. Last night I didn''t say anything because we were all exhausted and overheated. Next time I might not be so tired, and then there''s no telling what could happen. My mama raised me to stand up for myself.¡±


    ¡°Your mama raised you right,¡± Luke smiled.


    Emmett remained serious. ¡°I''m just warning you.¡±


    ¡°I ain''t gonna hold it against you if that happens.¡±


    They were both silent for a moment, looking at each other. Then Luke asked, ¡°Hey, you still have family in Virginia? Are we gonna be nearby?¡±


    ¡°Yeah, my folks are in Floyd, about ninety miles from here. Mama''s at my place helping with the kids while I''m away, but I just gave my dad and grandma a call.¡±


    ¡°You can''t visit?¡±


    ¡°This is as close as we''ll get, and we have a show to do in a few hours. I don''t think it''ll work out this time.¡±


    Luke gave him an odd look. ¡°Next time then, huh?¡±


    ¡°Sure. So, you think the bar tonight has A/C?¡±

 Chapter 6

    They stood in a huddle in the tiny dressing room, arms around each other''s backs.


    ¡°Remember¡­tight and fast on the crossovers,¡± Luke said, as he always did. In this last moment of jittery anticipation, he could never stop his brain from hashing over tiny details of the upcoming set. ¡°I''ll count Leo in after the bridge.¡±


    The others nodded, waiting impatiently for release.


    ¡°Alright, that''s it ¨C let''s go!¡±


    They threw up their hands in a collective high-five and headed for the stage, slapping shoulders and grabbing equipment. Jos¨¦ gave them twenty seconds to get into place before he turned up the spotlights, then Luke shouted ¡°1, 2, 3--¡± and they were off.


    It generally took Luke ten minutes or so of focused vocals at the mic stand to get over his initial nerves and start to find the rhythm of each individual show. Every night was different, even if every song and set list were the same. The crowd, the location, even the band had a different feel each time, and Luke spent the first few songs sussing out the vibe and getting himself into sync with it. Once he did that, he could loosen up, take the lead or go with the flow, and enjoy everything going on around him.


    This was it, he was sure of it now. This was the band that would carry him into the future. He''d tried so many different combinations ¨C groups, arrangements, players ¨C over the years, and now, finally, he''d found what he was looking for. Leo had the rhythm and the timing down cold, and the strength to keep it up all night without flagging. Pete¡¯s rock solid bottom beat belied his sometimes chaotic off-stage energy. Of course Luke missed Eddie; his own guitar playing had improved but he was sticking to his simplest guitar lines. Which was okay, because Gordie and Emmett added all the interest he needed. Gordie could run the most technical, intricate piano lines at superhuman speed even on the tiny portable keyboard they had to use on this tour.


    And then there was Emmett. Luke watched as he stepped forward for his horn solo, cool and confident in his monochromatic suit and hat. The neatly trimmed hair and glasses gave him an almost scholarly appearance until he put his trumpet to his lips and filled the room with a sound like Luke had never heard before ¨C clear, controlled, powerful, but still soulful and intimate. And somehow Emmett made it all look effortless, like this was his most natural state, like he could do it all while dancing a two-step across the stage, which he often did. No wonder the crowd loved him.


    There was definitely something about Emmett. Some days Luke still couldn''t believe what he''d found, what he''d gained when he asked this man to join him. There was Emmett''s deep musical knowledge and technical competence, his ability to give Luke anything he wanted; so many new things that were possible with his skills and instruments, and so much more Luke wanted to explore with him. Emmett always deferred to him in the creative process ¨C but if Luke wrote the trumpet or harp solos, Emmett delivered them.


    The spotlight moved back to Luke as Emmett''s lead ended, the crowd cheering and shouting his name. Luke grabbed his mic and skipped over to plant himself at Emmett''s side for the next verse, giving him a congratulatory hip check. They exchanged grins and stood shoulder to shoulder as Luke closed his eyes and wailed out his vocals. Already he could hardly imagine performing without the shelter and security of Emmett at his side.


    Despite that imposing size and strength, Luke never felt safer than when he was with Emmett. It wasn''t just the idea of being protected, though he knew he was. Emmett mostly kept his temper under control, but even after witnessing incidents like the one with Art, Luke had no fear of him, only faith and conviction and a deep sense of comfort in his presence.


    The light moved to Gordie for his keyboard break, and Luke ran back to throw some water on his face, then turned to watch him. Gordie was a sweet boy, highly trained and much more technically skilled than the rest of the band, but he didn''t draw the crowd''s attention the way Emmett did; he didn''t have that magnetism.


    Luke had always been painfully conscious of his own callowness, his blue-collar, son-of-a-steelworker roots. He''d made that his trademark, in a way. But that left him no less awed by Emmett''s experience and authority; he recognized the kind of urban sophistication, the cool factor, that Emmett brought to the band. Who could blame him if he was a bit infatuated?


    Gordie''s keyboard break ended, and Luke stepped forward to start the song''s outro, a guitar and horn duet. From the corner of his eye he saw Emmett strut over to Pete who laughed and synced up his bass movements with Emmett''s trumpet, so that the two of them played while swinging their instruments comically together. That was another thing about Emmett: no matter how earnest or hip he first appeared, he was never too cool to be goofy, mischievous, up for a good time, comradely with everyone.


    In the early days, Luke had sometimes mistaken Emmett''s default gravitas for sternness, perhaps even judgment. But his joy and playfulness onstage quickly dispelled that idea. No, Emmett looked serious because he was serious. Because he took his work seriously. Because it was work.


    That was the issue, wasn¡¯t it? For Emmett, the band was a job. Of course, on some level the band was a job for all of them. Leo and Pete obviously hoped to make a living with this band, or someone''s band, even if they might have secret backup plans in case that didn''t work out. Gordie didn''t need an alternative; he''d prepared his whole life for a career in music and would surely find one. For Luke and for Eddie, music was a calling, their only calling; neither of them had a Plan B in life. But for Emmett, music was his Plan B. He had a full life planned out ¨C by his mother perhaps, or maybe his wife ¨C with a day job and family and future that didn''t necessarily involve music, a band, or Luke.


    From the start of the tour, Luke had known he was waiting for Emmett to make a choice. For Luke, the band was a sacred thing, a brotherhood. He could only work with people he believed in, and who he knew believed in him. Mutual loyalty was required, yes, but not just loyalty, something more than that, something like faith. He had it, the rest of the guys had it ¨C the question mark was Emmett.


    When they first set out, Luke had been unconsciously afraid that some small act, some failing on his part, would convince Emmett he could do better and result in disaster. But the more they worked and played together, and the better Luke came to know Emmett, the more he understood that whatever happened was not up to him. He could only try to be the best possible version of himself, and trust in Emmett to make the right decision.


    The set was ending. Luke brought the full band together for the final outro, layering the instruments into a single wall of sound that built to a tight, frenzied, epic of a closer. He caught Emmett''s eye and on the final note they leapt together into the air and landed side by side as the stage went black. In the darkness Luke reached out and found his hand caught in Emmett''s reassuring grip. As the houselights went up and the band aligned themselves at the front of the stage, Luke threw up his hand, raising Emmett''s arm into the air with his, and was almost sure of him.


    ***


    ¡°So where''d you meet Clarissa?¡±


    Emmett glanced out the window and paused before turning back. ¡°Church,¡± he admitted finally and then nodded sheepishly at Luke''s amused chuckle.


    ¡°Your mama set you up?¡±


    ¡°Well, she approved of her. Clarissa''s a fine girl, Luke, she''s a good mama to the boys and she''s got a good head on her shoulders.¡±


    Their voices had lowered naturally. The engine made a quiet drone as the bus rolled along the empty highway. Faint black shadows flashed through the windows, and the rest of the band were vague silent shapes in the darkness around them.


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    ¡°You think she''ll stick with you through all this?¡±


    Emmett tipped his head in acknowledgment of the quandary. ¡°We''ll see I guess.¡±


    As though to switch to a brighter topic, Luke asked, ¡°How''s the boys? You get regular updates?¡±


    ¡°Sure. They''re doing great. Reading, talking, Robbie''s doing well at school. I guess they don''t really need their old man.¡±


    ¡°They miss you, I bet. And you must miss them.¡±


    ¡°A lot. What about you? You miss your family?¡±


    ¡°I miss my sister. And Eddie. Don''t miss my folks much.¡±


    ¡°Seems like¡­¡± Emmett hesitated slightly. ¡°¡­There''s no love lost there.¡±


    Luke shrugged. ¡°Not exactly. I mean I love my momma. My dad¡­we just don''t relate. He don''t get me, I don''t get him. We never had much to talk about.¡±


    Emmett nodded and waited, wondering if Luke would add anything else. He felt a slight movement at his side, and knew what it meant. Turning to lean against the window, he made room for Luke to settle in, back against his chest.


    ¡°I mean I was basically a wild child,¡± Luke resumed after a moment. ¡°I didn''t like to follow rules, I didn''t wanna see my dad when he was still there so¡­I just didn''t go home. Eddie and me, we pretty much lived on the streets after we were about fourteen.¡±


    ¡°On the streets of Hatboro? Or¡­?¡±


    ¡°No, I mean in Philly. We''d sleep by the river or out near the skatepark, or we''d crash with other bands, or girls if we could. It was like¡­me and Eddie against the world.¡±


    ¡°So you''ve basically been on your own for¡­what, ten years now?¡±


    ¡°Yeah. Ten years tryin'' to make it in this business. Tryin'' to find the right set up, and someone that believed in me.¡±


    ¡°I believe in you, Luke.¡±


    For a moment Luke didn''t answer. Then he patted Emmett''s broad thigh, tilted his head back and shut his eyes. ¡°Man, Em, I believe in you too.¡±


    ***


    It was another stultifying night, somewhere in Virginia, sometime after midnight. Luke half dozed in a chair, leaning against the outside wall of his motel room, unable to face the suffocating heat inside. He always found it so much easier to sleep on the bus, resting against Emmett''s broad chest and safe beneath his arm, than in these tiny, overheated rooms. He really had to make it big enough to start staying in proper air-conditioned hotels.


    He heard footsteps nearby but didn''t open his eyes till a foot gently nudged his leg.


    ¡°Hey Luke, you can''t sleep?¡±


    ¡°Oh, hey Em ... you too?¡±


    Emmett loomed in front of him wearing only shorts, feet bare, skin blending in with the darkness around them.


    ¡°I''ve been walking around, looking to see what they have here,¡± Emmett said quietly. ¡°Check it out, man ¨C there''s a pool around the back.¡±


    ¡°A pool?¡± Luke perked up. ¡°You kidding me? Where?¡±


    ¡°C''mere.¡±


    Emmett led the way around the side of the motel to the back, where a chain-link fence surrounded an in-ground swimming pool filled with shimmering water that looked cool and inviting in the overwhelming heat. They walked along a concrete path that led toward the gate. As they drew closer, Luke could see the gate was padlocked. He stopped and leaned against the top of the fence, looking at the water wistfully.


    ¡°Sure looks nice in there,¡± he said.


    Emmett was walking along the outside of the fence. ¡°Gate''s locked of course, but there''s a place just over here¡­where the fence is bent¡­I can easily get over.¡± He stopped at the spot he''d scouted out and turned to wait for Luke.


    For a moment Luke couldn''t figure out why he was so surprised. Then he realized: he''d never thought of Emmett as a rule-breaker. Just the opposite, actually.


    ¡°Uh ¨C¡± Luke glanced around, then gestured at a sign attached to the gate. ¡°Says here the pool''s only open till 10 p.m.¡±


    ¡°Uh-huh.¡± Emmett didn''t seem to be listening. He vaulted over the fence like it was a kid''s skipping rope, then gestured to Luke. ¡°C''mon, I''ll lift you over.¡±


    ¡°Emmett the Mountain Evans,¡± Luke said, grinning. ¡°Are you breaking these here motel rules?¡±


    Emmett looked at him blankly. ¡°What are you talking about? The pool''s fine, just come over here and I''ll get you in.¡±


    ¡°I never had you down for being such a delinquent.¡± Luke walked over, still trying to process this new side of Emmett''s character. ¡°Now me, I''ve always been a bad kid, you tell me to stop and I''ll start. But you¡­¡± He stopped abruptly as Emmett, who had completely ignored his prattling, reached over, grabbed him by the waist and swung him across the fence.


    Luke landed on the concrete deck, no longer smiling. Something about Emmett had suddenly unnerved him. It was like Emmett didn''t realize he was breaking a rule ¨C or, more accurately perhaps, like he didn''t recognize that rules existed. Luke, naturally, was all for lawbreaking ¨C his whole life he''d been a rebel, a contrarian. It was part of his identity; he''d always known he was a bad kid. But Emmett wasn''t being rebellious or reckless or defiant; he simply didn''t seem to notice that anything stopped him from doing what he wanted to.


    For the first time since they¡¯d met, Luke¡¯s implicit faith in Emmett was shaken. He''d never delved too deeply into Emmett''s moral code, had always just assumed he had one. Of course, Emmett had been brought up religious, with the values his mother had taught him, but he¡¯d never really suggested he believed in those things himself, only that he followed the path of least resistance. Now, for the first time, it occurred to Luke to wonder what Emmett actually did believe in. If anything.


    ¡°What are you waiting for?¡± Emmett was already stripping down, peeling off shorts that were sticky with sweat and tossing them aside. ¡°Let''s get in!¡±


    Luke stood for a second, unable to move. Obviously they''d seen each other undress many times, backstage or in greenrooms, but the sudden sight of Emmett planted on the concrete deck in just his briefs ¨C barefooted, his deep brown skin glowing from the heat, muscles creating dark contours in the moonlight ¨C shook him once again.


    It took him a moment to gather himself and start removing his own clothes. Meanwhile, Emmett ran to the edge of the pool and leaped straight over in a momentous cannonball that launched jets of water across the deck and onto Luke.


    Luke laughed at the deliciously cold shock, pulled off the last leg of his jeans, and jumped in behind Emmett. For a few minutes everything was forgotten in the sweet relief of cool water, and they splashed around the pool together like frolicking porpoises.


    Eventually Emmett, always looking for a workout, began doing laps along the length of the pool, and Luke tried to stay out of the way, floating on his back under the stars and pondering. Then they both stood for a while in the chest-deep water and chatted quietly.


    ¡°Hey Em,¡± Luke asked after a minute. ¡°I was wondering. You say you''re a Baptist. Do you, like, believe in all that stuff?¡±


    ¡°What stuff? You mean religion?¡± Emmett shrugged, smiling. ¡°I mean, I guess it doesn''t hurt.¡±


    That didn''t tell him much. Luke pressed a little further. ¡°What about all the, like, scary parts ¨C the hellfire and brimstone and ¨C and damnation if you don''t live the right way?¡±


    Emmett grew serious. ¡°I don''t take everything literally. Maybe my parents do, but I don''t.¡± He looked at Luke with a kind of compassion. ¡°You can''t take all that too seriously, it''ll just mess you up.¡±


    ¡°But¡­we gotta have some rules, ain''t we? Even if we break them sometimes. Otherwise¡­¡±


    ¡°You have to have your own rules. All those other ones, the ones other people set, those are just to keep us down.¡±


    ¡°So you just¡­ignore them?¡±


    ¡°They''re real, they can hurt you. If the motel manager comes out here right now, he''s really gonna kick us out of the pool. But if he''s not here, what do we care?¡±


    As always, Emmett answered him easily, with a simple candor. But Luke was starting to think that despite appearances, there were depths to Emmett that he might never be able to see.


    ¡°You ask a lot of questions,¡± Emmett said, smiling again.


    ¡°That''s how I get my best stories.¡±


    ¡°You gonna write a song about me?¡±


    ¡°Maybe.¡± Luke pushed back abruptly and dove into the water to do a handspring from the bottom of the pool. ¡°Stand still,¡± he said, coming up for air. ¡°I''m gonna swim between your legs.¡±


    It was a game he used to play with his sister when they were little; he''d already taught it to Emmett. He dove in again, deep enough to graze the concrete floor, and saw Emmett''s spread legs under the water, refracted moonlight making them seem even bulkier from here. Luke propelled himself forward, then pulled his arms in to his sides so he could pass through smoothly. Even so, his shoulders and then his legs brushed the columns of the arch formed by Emmett''s legs, and on the other side he paused at the bottom of the pool, still feeling the light touch through his wet skin.


    When he broke out of the water a moment later, sputtering for air, Emmett laughed and caught him, scooping him up into the safety of his arms. Luke looked into his face, at his wide smile and bright teeth, the moon and stars shining over his head, and wondered if Emmett felt like he did when he walked through a disco and felt the gazes of all the men there.


    ¡°Hey, guys ¨C ¡±


    A voice from outside the fence made Luke jump down into the water. He turned around, expecting to see the motel manager and already bracing himself for Jerry''s irritation when they were kicked out. But the stranger was a fellow guest, apologetic, not authoritative.


    ¡°I''m in this room right here and it''s kinda hard to sleep with all the noise, it really carries at night. I know it''s hot but you think you could ¨C ¡±


    Luke half considered refusing him, not wanting to give up their little sanctuary of cool relief. But Emmett was already on the pool deck, gathering up his clothes. ¡°Hey, I''m sorry man, we didn''t mean to disturb you,¡± he said kindly. ¡°We''ll get going, no problem.¡± He put out his hand to help Luke climb out of the pool.


    ¡°Hard enough to sleep in this heat, ain''t it?¡± Luke said, grabbing his jeans and shirt.


    The stranger waved at them and headed back to his room.


    Emmett lifted Luke over the fence, then jumped over himself and they walked back toward the front of the motel, laughing at their adventures. For a moment Luke wasn''t sure why he felt so relieved; then it occurred to him that maybe he was starting to understand a bit of Emmett''s code after all.

 PART II Chapter 7

    ¡°It''s okay, man, I understand. No, it''s fine. I get it.¡± Emmett leaned forward on the single kitchen chair, head supported in his hand, listening to his older brother, Michael. ¡°Yeah, later, sure. No problem. See ya later.¡±


    He hung up and sat for a minute glumly, looking around the dingy room. The phone rang. He picked up and heard Clarissa on the other end. ¡°I know,¡± he said, and after a moment repeated more forcefully, ¡°I know, I hear you. I get it!¡± He hung up hard, then buried his head in both hands.


    The tour had been over for a couple of months, a distant dream by now. After arriving back on the east coast, the band had played a successful week-long gig in NYC that attracted industry scouts and universal rave reviews. Since then, they''d played some sporadic gigs in Philly, and Emmett had joined Luke to sit in with a few friends and local bands. But the rest of his life was a disaster.


    The phone rang again. This time it was Luke.


    ¡°Hey Em, you wanna check out the Bijou tonight? Eddie''s doing some shows there, he wants us to join him.¡±


    ¡°I''d love to, man, but I really can''t.¡± Emmett sighed. ¡°Next weekend for sure, okay? Tell him I said hi.¡±


    ¡°How come? What''s up with you?¡±


    ¡°It''s just not a good night, Luke, sorry. You know I want to.¡±


    ¡°You ain''t workin'' tomorrow, right? You quit your job.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, I quit. It''s not that.¡± Emmett stopped, reminding himself for the hundredth time that Luke was a work buddy, not a real friend. He didn''t want to hear all the details of Emmett''s chaotic personal life.


    ¡°So what''s the deal? Is it because of ¨C ¡± Luke broke off as though an idea had suddenly occurred to him. ¡°Is it money?¡±


    ¡°Naw, man, it¡¯s not money.¡± For some reason Emmett heard himself continue talking this time. ¡°I¡¯m supposed to have the boys over tomorrow but Clarissa won''t let them stay until I have beds for them¡­which I have, but I don''t want to set up the furniture till I get the place painted, and my brother was supposed to help me paint this weekend but now he can''t so¡­¡±


    He trailed off, and in the silence he heard Luke catch his breath. ¡°Wait, did you and Clarissa¡­split up?¡±


    ¡°Oh yeah, didn''t I tell you?¡± Emmett had forgotten how far behind Luke was. ¡°She left me when I quit work. Well, technically she made me leave, since she''s got the boys.¡±


    ¡°What''s your new address?¡± Luke asked, almost sharply. When Emmett gave it to him, he said simply, ¡°I''ll be right there.¡±


    Emmett heard the dial tone and looked down at the receiver, then shrugged and hung up. Was Luke going to come over and check up on him? He was fine, just frustrated and a bit overwhelmed. Or maybe Luke wanted all the news about the break-up. Anyway, he might as well start work on the apartment. It was going to be a big job without Michael''s help, but he couldn''t put it off if he wanted to see the boys. He hadn''t settled on a paint colour yet but there was primer and a brush somewhere; he guessed he could start with that.


    Half an hour later the doorbell rang. When Emmett opened the door, Luke stood outside with a twelve-pack and two pizza boxes.


    ¡°Jerry gave me a ride,¡± he announced, stepping inside. ¡°Cute threads.¡± He pointed at Emmett''s work coveralls, then looked around the small apartment curiously. ¡°Looks like a nice pad, how much you payin''?¡±


    Emmett told him and followed him into the kitchen, where Luke set down the pizza and looked around for a bottle opener.


    ¡°I guess you''re still sortin'' the furniture situation,¡± Luke laughed, eyeing the single kitchen chair and mattress on the living room floor.


    Emmett handed him an opener. ¡°I have a bunch of stuff coming, my family¡¯s got me covered. But I wanted to get the painting done first. We can sit outside to eat.¡±


    The apartment was on the first floor of an old rowhouse in Kingsessing. They took the pizza and beer and sat on the back steps in the fall breeze.


    ¡°This is nice,¡± Luke said approvingly. ¡°Remember that heat in, like, Raleigh?¡±


    Already the tour was a nostalgic memory. ¡°Yeah. Who knew we''d miss Philadelphia weather.¡±


    ¡°Now tell me what''s goin'' on. So Clarissa didn''t want you to quit your day job?¡±


    ¡°Nope, she didn''t like that at all. I tried to keep it but there was no way they were going to let me have another week off for that run in New York so¡­¡±


    ¡°Yeah, you told me you were quitting but I didn''t know it ended up like this. I''m so sorry, man.¡± Luke threw an arm around Emmett and hugged him suddenly. ¡°I know it''s not what you wanted.¡±


    ¡°Maybe it always would''ve happened eventually.¡± Emmett lifted a shoulder. ¡°The hard part is the boys, but as long as I have a place for them and keep up the payments, I''ll still be able to see them.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, so what''s the plan? We''re just gonna do the bedroom for now and then the rest of the place later?¡±


    Emmett frowned at him, puzzled. ¡°Uh¡­well Michael and I were gonna¡­¡±


    ¡°Michael''s your brother? But he can''t make it, right?¡±


    ¡°Yeah, something came up for this weekend.¡±


    ¡°And you''re supposed to get the kids tomorrow, so we gotta get the bedroom done first.¡± Luke finished off his beer and got to his feet, reaching for the back door.


    ¡°Luke.¡± Emmett followed him inside. ¡°It''s okay. I can do it.¡±


    ¡°Sure but it''ll be faster with two of us.¡±


    ¡°Eddie''s expecting you at the Bijou.¡±


    ¡°I already told him I can''t make it tonight.¡± Luke stood in the bedroom doorway, surveying the scene. ¡°So you started the priming already. Got a colour picked out?¡±


    ¡°I don''t know¡­I was just thinking white¡­¡±


    ¡°Maybe yellow for the kids'' room. You can use some kinda off-white for the rest.¡± Luke punched Emmett''s arm playfully. ¡°Me and Eddie worked as painters for one summer¡­I painted so many rooms, I''m an expert on colour wheels. You got supplies?¡± He looked around the small apartment again.


    ¡°Michael was going to pick everything up on his way over.¡±


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    Luke shrugged. ¡°I''ll run to the hardware store for paint and supplies, I know one around the corner. You keep going on the priming. I''ll be back in half an hour.¡±


    Then he was gone, and Emmett slowly put the leftover pizza and beer in the fridge. He went back to the bedroom, hardly believing he''d see Luke again that day.


    But sure enough, Luke was back before the half-hour was up with a gallon of yellow paint, rollers, trays, brushes, tape and turpentine. They finished the priming, took a pizza and beer break while it dried, and got the first coat of good paint on just before midnight.


    Luke stood back to admire their work while Emmett closed the paint cans and washed the brushes.


    ¡°It just needs one more coat tomorrow,¡± Luke said, coming into the kitchen behind him. ¡°If we start early enough, the paint can dry and we''ll still have time to set up the furniture before the kids get here. Where did you say the beds are?¡±


    ¡°Michael''s storing everything for me. I can borrow his pickup to move things when I''m ready.¡±


    ¡°Cool, it''s all gonna work out. But listen, Em ¨C ¡± Luke turned to him with a slightly abashed grin. ¡°You mind if I stay here tonight? I ain''t got a ride and who knows when I''ll get back tomorrow if I have to take the SEPTA. I can just crash on the floor if it''s okay with you.¡±


    ¡°Well ¨C sure. If you don''t mind.¡±


    ¡°Naw. Let''s get to bed soon though so we can start early tomorrow.¡±


    They went over to the living room together and considered Emmett''s makeshift bed. ¡°You got any extra blankets or somethin¡¯?¡± Luke asked.


    The extra bedding was in storage with the beds. When Luke shrugged and began tossing down jackets to soften the floor, Emmett put a hand on his shoulder. ¡°That''s crazy. The mattress is a double, there''s room for both of us.¡±


    Luke gave him a slightly questioning look before picking up the clothes. ¡°If you say so.¡±


    Emmett straightened the blankets on the mattress, then went to brush his teeth and change into the pajama bottoms Clarissa had bought him last Christmas, which led to fresh amusement from Luke.


    ¡°You really are a dad,¡± he said.


    ¡°What''s wrong with that?¡± Emmett asked with dignity, sliding under the covers on the bed.


    ¡°Nothin¡¯, man. But I ain''t got any jammies,¡± Luke said, mock apologetically. ¡°Guess I''ll just sleep in my jeans.¡±


    ¡°Those are covered in wet paint, you''re not getting in my sheets like that. Take them off.¡± Emmett moved over to the far side of the mattress to make room.


    He watched as Luke undressed and slipped under the blankets beside him, wearing his briefs and an undershirt. Then Luke leaned over to give him a peck on the cheek, half joking. ¡°Night, Em.¡±


    ¡°Night, El.¡±


    Luke seemed to fall asleep quickly, curled on his side away from Emmett. The mattress wasn''t big enough for them to sleep without touching each other, and Emmett brushed against Luke''s back as he shifted positions. He remembered those long nights on the bus with Luke tucked beside him in the dark. For a while now, those days had seemed so far away that Emmett half-thought he''d dreamed them. But all the memories rushed back with this faint touch and Luke''s quiet breathing beside him. Emmett turned onto his side, threw an arm over Luke''s back, and shut his eyes.


    Luke wasn''t making a pass with that little kiss, he reflected; he knew when boys were making passes. It was more of a reassuring gesture, like Luke wanted to tell him that things would be all right. And in a funny way he thought now they might be.


    ***


    In the morning Emmett pulled his coveralls back on and went into the kitchen to make coffee, eggs and toast. By the time everything was ready Luke had joined him, and they sat outside again to eat and chat sleepily in the cool morning air. Then it was back to work, tarps and rollers and Emmett covering the top of the walls and the ceiling, Luke taking care of the bottom half and details around the trim. Luke painted carefully but with enthusiasm. By early afternoon they were finished, and Emmett called Michael to make arrangements for picking up the furniture.


    Emmett was less surprised, this time, that Luke stuck around for the rest of the day: the trip to Michael''s garage, the loading, the drive back, the unloading and setting up. He even believed Luke when they made plans for working on the rest of the apartment in a couple of days, after the kids went home.


    When everything had been set up and the beds were made, a couple of hours before the kids were due, Emmett and Luke finished off the last of the pizza and beer.


    ¡°Hey, you gonna run Michael''s truck back now?¡± Luke asked, getting up. ¡°You mind dropping me off on your way? Maybe I can get to the Bijou tonight.¡±


    ¡°Sure. Tell Eddie I''m really sorry to miss him this week, but next time for sure.¡±


    In the truck, as Luke guided Emmett to his apartment, the talk turned back to the band. ¡°We got so much good hype out of that tour,¡± Luke said.


    ¡°And that run in New York, where all the execs showed up¡­¡±


    ¡°Yeah for sure, but that was industry. The tour got folks talkin'' about us, regular folks. Jerry says he''s getting calls from all over the country now.¡±


    ¡°How¡¯s the album selling?¡±


    ¡°Well, that¡¯s another story. Good buzz don¡¯t always translate to sales. But everyone wants us to go play for them.¡±


    Emmett glanced over with a smile. ¡°What, are you thinking about another tour already?¡±


    ¡°For sure we are.¡± Luke was serious. ¡°Maybe later this year, likely early next year. Bigger this time ¨C we wanna go right across the country.¡±


    ¡°I don''t know if I should be excited or scared.¡±


    ¡°It''ll be better this time ¨C I swear we''re gettin'' air-conditioned hotel rooms!¡±


    As they passed Franklin Square on their way to Kensington, Luke turned toward Emmett excitedly. ¡°Hey, I forgot to tell you. We''re gonna start work on the new record next month. The label booked me into Forge ¨C you know that place? It''s out in North Hills, great studio, state of the art. I been really wanting to work there.¡±


    ¡°That''s great news.¡±


    Luke looked at him. ¡°Of course I need you to play on it too ¨C you will, right?¡±


    ¡°Sure. I mean, what else do I have to do?¡±


    ¡°Since you quit your job, you mean.¡±


    ¡°Yeah. I''m at your disposal.¡± Emmett shot him a quick glance. ¡°Listen, man, I really appreciate you helping me out these last couple of days. It means a lot to me.¡±


    ¡°Least I could do.¡± Luke had turned serious again. ¡°Considering everything you lost ¡¯cause of me. I ain''t ever gonna forget that. I''m all yours, Em.¡±


    Emmett nodded as they pulled up in front of Luke''s apartment. ¡°I think it''ll be all right.¡±


    ¡°See ya in a few days.¡± Luke leaned over to throw his arms around Emmett''s neck. ¡°Maybe we can go jam somewhere after we finish painting, whaddaya think?¡±


    ¡°Can''t wait.¡±


    Heading towards Michael''s house in West Philly, Emmett thought again about the choices he''d made, and his gathering hope that the worst might be over. His situation seemed better today than it had yesterday morning. But he still remembered the half-disdainful, half-sorrowful look on Clarissa''s face as he''d left their house, his helpless attempts to explain what was going on to the boys, the disappointment in his mama''s voice when he''d told her what happened.


    His mama had always been so proud of him. She loved to talk about him to her friends, her neighbours, the church ladies. He thought of the black and white photos framed in her parlour ¨C Emmett at his graduation, at his wedding, with his family; solid, dependable, bespectacled, respectable. What would she tell people now?


    Emmett had known for a while that he didn''t completely share his mama''s views on life. His parents had fought tooth and nail for a middle-class life, one they could pass on to their children. They were fully convinced that their own recipe ¨C education, family, respectability ¨C was the one sure path to success, happiness, and acceptance. But Emmett had grown up in different times, and he''d seen what was going on in the world. Young men who looked a lot like him sat at lunch counters or rode Greyhound buses and no matter how well they dressed, how educated they were, how often they went to church, there were some people in America who were never going to accept them.


    Emmett had tried not to argue with his parents; he''d done his best to live up to expectations, but he''d always had something ¨C wrestling first, and then music ¨C to keep half a foot out of the door of his mama''s world. Now he''d stepped fully outside and the door was shut behind him. He''d just have to find some new way to make his mama proud of him again.


    It wasn''t like he wanted to leave Clarissa behind. He would have willingly brought her along for the ride. Maybe the two of them didn''t have so much to say to each other; maybe they didn''t really even know each other that well; they''d been so young when they¡¯d first made their bargain. But he wouldn''t have abandoned her. He wouldn''t abandon her now either; she was a good girl, and the mother of his boys. He''d take care of her.


    And the boys. Well, he''d just have to make space for them on his journey. At least now they had a place to sleep and a room of their own at his place. He''d be seeing them soon.


    Thanks to Luke.


    Was it some kind of guilt that had made Luke drop everything and come over to help him out? It''s not like they were friends outside of the band, was it? They worked together, and of course there were those times when they met up and looked for local groups to play with. It occurred to Emmett that he''d never been paid for any of those sessions, and had never expected to be. That wasn''t work, it was just something they did because they both loved to play, and meet other musicians, and, well, hang out. Like friends.


    Emmett thought about the little kiss the night before. He remembered the feel of Luke''s arms around his neck, and how Luke''s voice had dropped slightly when he''d said I''m all yours. Friends, or something like it.

 Chapter 8

    It was somewhere around this time ¨C the late fall of 1974 ¨C when Emmett started to see things changing. There were more people around the band, schedules became tighter, Luke and Jerry were busier. The whole enterprise seemed more serious, more professional, more carefully managed. In some unspoken way, Emmett understood this meant people had started to see the possibility of making money from Luke.


    ¡°We ain''t gonna be our own roadies next time,¡± Luke said to him as they finished up a rehearsal. ¡°We''ll have an actual crew.¡±


    Emmett nodded, trying to absorb everything about the business without asking too many questions. ¡°Does that mean the tour is definitely on?¡±


    ¡°It''s on for sure, we just don''t know when exactly. Gotta see how the recording goes first.¡±


    Moments like this, when he and Luke sat back on the couch in their new rehearsal studio without a bunch of other people around, had become more rare. Luke hadn''t changed exactly, but he''d grown more preoccupied and distracted, sometimes a little short-tempered, like he had things on his mind besides just the music and a good time.


    ¡°First session at Forge is tomorrow. Em, we won''t need you right away if you don''t wanna ¨C ¡±


    ¡°Can I, though?¡± Emmett asked eagerly. ¡°I just want to be there. It''s a band thing. Will I be in the way if I show up tomorrow?¡±


    Luke looked sideways at him, smiling. ¡°Sure, you can come if you wanna, but I can''t pay you till you start recording.¡±


    ¡°No problem.¡±


    ¡°How''re you gonna get there though? You got a ride?¡±


    ¡°I''ll figure it out. What about you, how are you getting there?¡±


    ¡°Jerry''s gonna drive me tomorrow. Be at my place at nine and you can ride with us.¡±


    ¡°Sounds good.¡± By now, Emmett and Luke had hung out enough that Emmett knew exactly where he lived and how to get there. ¡°So what are you going to work on first?¡±


    Luke had written a slew of new songs for this record and the band had been working on them over the last couple of months. To Emmett they sounded astonishing ¨C different from Luke''s previous work; bold and fresh and urgent. In fact, they were so different that the rest of the band, even Emmett, sometimes struggled with the unfamiliar structures, and Luke would grow frustrated and impatient with his inability to get precisely what he wanted. But when it all came together Emmett would listen to the band play and Luke sing and once again have the feeling that something new and cataclysmic was on its way. And somehow, he was a part of it.


    No one else Emmett knew had ever made a record. He''d always regretted missing the sessions for the previous two albums and couldn''t wait to see the recording process this time around. He was happy to hitch his wagon to Luke''s star but still independent enough to want to understand the whole business himself, just in case he needed to fall back on his own resources some day.


    In Jerry''s car on their way to the studio the next morning Luke was quiet and withdrawn, which Emmett recognized as his way of gathering himself up for a period of intense pressure or performance. Jerry made a bit of conversation but Emmett kept his mouth shut in the back seat.


    ¡°Guess you brought your instruments, Em?¡± Luke asked after a while.


    ¡°Yeah. I know I''m not working today but I figured, just in case. Maybe you''ll want to run through something with the full band. Anyway, I''ll need them eventually so I can just leave them there.¡±


    Luke was silent again for a few miles. Then he said, ¡°You know this is it, right? It''s the end of my contract. This record don¡¯t do well, the label drops me for good.¡±


    ¡°It''s going to work out, Luke.¡±


    ¡°It''s my last chance.¡±


    ¡°This record is gonna be your saving grace.¡±


    The studio was a two-story, modern building on a small plot of land in the middle of nowhere, with some small recording booths, a couple of larger spaces for a full band, and the main control room. While they waited for the others, Emmett helped Luke set up the spaces the way he wanted them. More people arrived gradually ¨C an engineer and his assistant, someone from the record company, Eddie and his girlfriend Jenny, the rest of the band. While everyone else milled around, Emmett befriended Sol, the engineer, and asked to hang out in the control room; partly to keep out of the way, and partly so he could see how it worked.


    Unlike their live shows, Luke didn''t kick off the recording with a group huddle and pep talk; he just let everyone settle in. When they were ready, he started the band off in one of the larger rooms so they could run through the first song once or twice together before starting to record. Emmett stayed in the control room with Sol and Jerry, who was producing, until Luke called him to join them.


    ¡°Might as well get you in the first run-through, since you''re here.¡±


    Emmett was happy to join in wherever he was needed. As the day wore on, he did a little bit of everything, from playing instruments, to helping Jerry and the engineering team, to making coffee. He was having so much fun he didn''t realize the day was over until Sol waved good night and the studio manager came by to lock up the control room.


    Emmett stepped out into the larger space and found it dark and almost empty.


    ¡°You still here, Em?¡± Luke said, from somewhere in the shadows.


    They''d barely spoken to each other all day. Luke seemed to be in better spirits now than he had been in the morning, and so was Emmett.


    ¡°Yeah. What a great day.¡±


    Luke laughed. ¡°Good start, I guess. But I hate to break it to you ¨C Jerry took off hours ago and so did everyone else. We got no ride home.¡±


    Even that couldn''t dampen Emmett''s mood. ¡°I guess we''re hitching then,¡± he said.


    ***


    The euphoria didn¡¯t last. With everything Luke had learned the last two times, and all his new ideas, he''d hoped this session would be a breeze. The pressure for a successful third album had been so intense for so long that it was a relief at first to start actually doing something about it.


    But they''d been at it for over four months now, and the record still wasn''t done. Luke''s early optimism and excitement were long gone, replaced with a frustration that sometimes approached despair. Almost immediately, he''d come up against that wall between what he heard in his head and what he was able to communicate or explain to the rest of the band, much less create.


    It wasn''t just the new songs, not even the new structures and themes, that he couldn''t capture right; it was a sound, a mood, a missing intensity in the playing and production that people did not seem to understand and he couldn''t express in words. The more the band and producers worked, the worse it got; some unconscious complacency or polish seemed to creep into songs that Luke wanted to sound raw and desperate.


    ¡°Maybe I should just can the whole thing and record one of our live shows,¡± he lamented finally.


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    Eddie considered, and shook his head. ¡°Bad idea. Live albums are for established acts.¡±


    ¡°I don''t care, I ¨C ¡±


    ¡°Once you get it right, these new songs will sound way better than anything you''ve been able to do live.¡±


    ¡°What do you know ¨C you''ve hardly seen us live,¡± Luke growled, and felt the familiar heat of resentment and inadequacy building inside him. ¡°You haven''t played with us since ¨C ¡±


    Eddie shrugged and walked away to join Jenny, leaving Luke to take out his rage on Leo or Pete or Sol. That was the worst of it; the way his frustration and dissatisfaction came out in bursts of anger or moodiness or hostility. He couldn¡¯t seem to contain the emotions, and he was barely eating or sleeping. The rest of the band had started to distance themselves from him, and he watched them, helpless. It''s not that their faith was lost ¨C they were still waiting, patiently, for him to figure it out. They just didn''t want to be around him in the meantime.


    Except Emmett. Emmett had shown up every day for four months ¨C other than a couple of times when he''d been looking after his kids ¨C and made himself indispensable. He''d picked up sound engineering seemingly overnight, and was now Sol''s primary assistant on the mixing board. Like Eddie, he could play almost any instrument and often did ¨C stepping behind the drums to provide a backbeat for Gordon''s solos when Leo was busy in another room; picking up maracas or tambourine just as Luke was thinking they needed more rhythm; bringing in instruments borrowed from one of his brothers or extended family.


    ¡°You know what might work here?¡± Luke would say randomly, ¡°A bit of banjo.¡± Or accordion, or congos, or fiddle. And the next day Emmett would show up with one, and either figure out a line or two himself or bring in a relative who could play it.


    Emmett''s musicianship differed from Eddie''s or even Gordon''s. He couldn''t write or arrange songs; he had little theoretical or technical understanding of how music worked. He didn¡¯t discuss and debate the specifics of a sound the way Luke often did with Eddie or Jerry or Gord. Emmett was a classic case of the museum-goer who says I don''t know anything about art but I know what I like. His understanding was based on instinct, familiarity and a deep personal connection with music. He didn''t usually volunteer opinions, but when asked he readily offered solid input that Luke often found surprising or original. More and more, as he struggled to produce the sound he was looking for, Luke would walk away from arguments with Eddie or Jerry and turn to Emmett for a fresh perspective.


    But even more critically, Emmett was a sounding board and sympathetic ear for the whole band. Every day Luke would step into a room and find him engrossed with someone new, listening to their stories or their frustrations or their concerns. He was the universal ally, always in demand, calming, neutral, somehow managing to be on everyone''s side at once.


    Especially Luke''s. In his worst moments of exasperation, rage, despair ¨C after hurling a music stand across the room or breaking down in tears ¨C Luke found he could only regain his equilibrium with Emmett, who never said much but didn''t need to. Emmett, Luke often thought, was his saving grace.


    ¡°Hey man, I won''t be in tomorrow,¡± Emmett said, sometime in March of 1975. ¡°School''s closed and Clarissa needs me to take the boys.¡±


    Luke felt a pang, and hardly thought twice before responding. ¡°Bring ¡¯em here with you,¡± he suggested. ¡°Let ¡¯em see what their pop does for a living.¡±


    Emmett looked skeptical, but the next day he arrived in Michael''s truck with Walt and Robbie, now five and seven years old. The boys were shy at first but lively and inquisitive once curiosity got the better of them. Their small voices, big eyes, and endless questions charmed everyone and for once the whole studio seemed to be in good spirits.


    Around the middle of the afternoon Emmett came to find Luke in one of the recording booths. ¡°I think we''re gonna split now,¡± he said. ¡°This is about as long as the kids can go without breaking something, and I don''t wanna lose half my pay replacing a mic or something.¡±


    ¡°If you say so,¡± Luke said reluctantly. ¡°I love havin¡¯ ¡¯em here.¡±


    ¡°You wouldn''t if we stayed much longer. Anyway, I promised them an ice-cream and that''s all they can think about now. Hey Luke ¨C ¡± Emmett put a hand on his shoulder with a sudden grin. ¡°Come with us to the Dairy Queen for lunch. I bet you haven''t eaten all day.¡±


    Luke started to decline out of habit, then paused and reconsidered. Was a break such a bad idea? ¡°Okay,¡± he said, surprising even himself. ¡°If it''s close by, and you''ll give me a ride back after?¡±


    ¡°Sure.¡±


    They rounded up the kids and drove to a nearby Dairy Queen where Luke stared at the menu board and realized how hungry he was. It must have been weeks since he''d eaten a normal meal. He bought a burger and fries and carried his tray over to Emmett, who was sitting by a window alone.


    ¡°I sent them outside,¡± he said, gesturing through the window to a playground outside, where Walt and Robbie were currently exploring, cones in hand. ¡°They need to burn off some steam now.¡±


    ¡°Thanks for bringing them in.¡± Luke slid into the booth across from him. ¡°I feel like that''s exactly what we needed today.¡±


    ¡°It''s been a long haul, huh?¡±


    ¡°Way longer than I expected. Don''t know what I''m gonna do. I''m tearin¡¯ my hair out, Em.¡±


    ¡°Well, don''t do that.¡± Emmett reached over to give his hair a quick tousle. ¡°It''s looking so good.¡±


    Luke grabbed a handful of fries. ¡°I can''t go on like this though. Every dime I made on that tour''s sunk into recording.¡±


    ¡°I thought the company was paying.¡±


    ¡°They been payin¡¯ for some of it but I''m way over budget. And nowhere near done. I swear I''m losing it, I can''t make anything work.¡±


    ¡°But the songs are so good, man. I can''t wait for people to hear them.¡±


    ¡°Only when they sound like I want them to.¡±


    ¡°Can''t Jerry help you with that?¡±


    ¡°It ain''t the production though, it''s what we''re recording. It just don''t come out how I want it to.¡±


    ¡°How about Eddie? Doesn''t he know what you''re looking for?¡±


    Luke stopped eating and hesitated. ¡°I think he gets it but¡­¡± He felt vaguely disloyal. ¡°Sometimes it don''t feel like he''s listening. He''s always with Jenny. And he takes off with her whenever she wants to go.¡±


    ¡°Well, I don''t think he''s uncommitted or anything. I mean, she¡¯s got the car, right? He doesn''t have any other way to get home.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, that''s killin¡¯ me too. Every day I gotta scrounge a ride in and then figure out how to get home¡­well, you know what it''s like.¡±


    ¡°Sorry you''ll have to hitch alone tonight. I''m trying to borrow my aunt''s car for next week but¡­¡±


    Luke shook his head, chewing glumly. ¡°Not your problem, man. It''s just one more hassle.¡±


    ¡°Anyway¡­maybe Eddie''s a little burnt out. Everyone''s been working pretty hard.¡±


    ¡°I know what you''re saying, I been drivin¡¯ everyone up the wall.¡± Luke took a gulp of his blizzard and waved an arm. ¡°I just can''t seem to stop myself.¡±


    ¡°You''re under a lot of pressure.¡±


    ¡°I can hack pressure, it''s this ¨C this ¨C not getting what I want. Not even being able to explain what I want. It makes me crazy, I get violent, I fuckin¡¯ cry¡­I never wanted it to be like this. I can see the guys are starting to hate me ¨C ¡±


    ¡°They don''t hate you, Luke.¡±


    ¡°It''s supposed to be rock and roll, you know? Band of brothers, all of us together against the world¡­and instead it''s me against everyone else.¡±


    ¡°No one''s against you. They just don''t know how to help you. What you want¡­you know, it''s new to us. We don''t always exactly get it.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, it''s different, I know. That''s the point.¡±


    ¡°Your old songs, they''re party songs. Or love songs. Like, they''re about people you know having a good time. That''s what everyone''s used to.¡±


    ¡°The new songs are still about people I know. It''s just that the people I know ain''t doin'' so good these days.¡± Luke stopped eating and tried to gather his thoughts. ¡°So many guys I grew up with, they got no job, no money, no hope¡­that''s what I wanna talk about right now.¡±


    Emmett nodded. ¡°Desperate people trying to leave desperate lives.¡±


    ¡°Yeah. I mean, that ain''t gonna sound the same as party music.¡±


    ¡°Sure, I get it.¡± Emmett stopped and looked like he was debating whether to continue. ¡°But¡­I don''t know if it''s just about getting the right sound.¡±


    ¡°What d''ya mean?¡±


    ¡°I mean¡­¡± He hesitated again. ¡°Sometimes it feels like you kinda take it personally. Like you feel personally responsible for telling these stories so¡­so when the rest of us don''t get it right, it''s like you think we''re letting you down. You and all these people you care about.¡±


    Luke stared for a moment, then looked away, out the window to where Walt was tumbling down a slide head-first. ¡°I mean, I do¡­feel like I owe it to the people I grew up with. To show the rest of the world what it''s really like for them. And, I don''t know¡­¡± He trailed off but Emmett just waited, patiently. ¡°It sounds dumb but I wanna think maybe my songs can give them something, y''know? Something they can relate to. Like maybe tell them it''s not their fault, they''re not alone, other people are goin¡¯ through the same things. And maybe that''s the one good thing about their lives.¡±


    For a moment Emmett didn''t answer, and they sat looking at each other in silence across the Dairy Queen booth.


    ¡°It''s gonna be one hell of a record,¡± Emmett said at last.


    ¡°But how? How do I¡­capture all that in the songs?¡±


    ¡°I don''t know how you do any of it, Luke. But¡­I mean, I feel like I might play different, now I''ve heard all this.¡±


    ¡°You think I should spell everything out to the guys? The songs should speak for themselves ¨C ¡±


    ¡°And they will when they¡¯re finished, but they aren''t there yet. If the guys understand what they''re doing and why, maybe they can help you more.¡±


    Luke scooped up all the wrappers and debris off the table and loaded them onto his tray sullenly, trying not to show his instinctive resistance.


    ¡°And Luke¡­¡± Emmett reached over to grab his hand and hold it. ¡°You need a break. Everyone does, but you especially. You''re too close to it all. And you¡¯re not eating, it¡¯s getting unhealthy. Take some time away and come back fresh. At least you''ll save some money.¡±


    For a moment Luke left his hand in Emmett''s. Then he stood up abruptly with the tray. ¡°C''mon, let''s go get the kids,¡± he said gruffly. ¡°Robbie''s dangling Walt off the monkey bars.¡±

 Chapter 9

    It took less than a day for Luke to get over his resistance. At the studio the next day he spoke to Jerry, then called a meeting with the full team. He did his best to be transparent ¨C admitting his struggles, apologizing for his lapses, and then trying to share some of his vision for the new record. He was amazed at the amount of discussion that generated; everyone had their own thoughts about the new songs, some insightful, some surprising, some out of left field. No wonder they hadn''t been able to get a coherent sound. By the end of the conversation, even Luke had some new ideas to ponder over.


    ¡°But for now,¡± he said, ¡°I think the best we can do is take a breather. Let''s all go spend some time with ¨C with other people for a while. People we like.¡± He laughed, trying to break the tension. ¡°Have fun, do stuff we like doing. I know we all thought we liked playin¡¯ music before this but maybe we can take a break on that for now. We''ll re-group in a month or so, take another cut at it. I''ll try and do my job better when we get back. Okay?¡±


    He had worried the guys might be annoyed at the sudden change of schedule, but their relief was palpable. No one minded being sent home mid-day, or a month of unexpected freedom. As the meeting broke up, Jerry and the techs went off to close up the control room. Leo, Pete and Gordon paused on their way out to give Luke hugs or claps on the back. No hard feelings, brother, they said, in various ways.


    Emmett didn''t say anything, just grabbed Luke in a long bear hug that made him feel simultaneously both tiny and ten feet tall. When he was released, he saw Eddie standing by the wall with a wry half-smile. Emmett saw him too, and said quickly, ¡°I''m gonna grab a ride home with Sol. I''ll call you, man.¡±


    ¡°Thanks for everything, Em.¡±


    Eddie came over as Emmett left. ¡°So, uh ... Jenny wants to know if you want a ride with us? That''s if, you know, we''re people you like.¡±


    That made Luke laugh with relief, and he happily accepted.


    The next month passed quickly and very pleasantly. While the pressure never left him entirely, it felt manageable. He dared to hope things might be better when they went back to work; he even dared to stop thinking about his work altogether for a short while. Instead, he hung out with Eddie and Jenny, he took a couple of girls out on dates, he danced all night at the Artemis with Jos¨¦, and he didn''t talk to Jerry at all. Emmett borrowed his aunt''s car one day and the two of them drove out to Atlantic City, where they strolled the boardwalk, sat on the beach, goofed around in the water, ate hot dogs from carts, and watched the sun set over the casino resorts before driving back to Philly in the evening dusk.


    For the first few weeks Luke didn''t think or talk about the album. But by early April he was antsy, and anxious to do what he could to prepare for a better second session. He asked Eddie for some time, and they had a long conversation about what had worked and what hadn''t. The two of them met with Jerry to go over more ideas for production and mixing. Luke had lunch with Leo, Pete and Gordon separately ¨C he didn''t bring up the recording unless they did, and if they did he tried to just listen to their thoughts. There was no need to make a special date with Emmett; they spoke on the phone daily by this time, and hung out almost as often.


    When everyone reconvened at the studio near the end of April, Luke opened the session with an outline of what the record was about, how he wanted it to sound and what he wanted it to say, what was working and what wasn''t. He''d spent some time getting his thoughts organized, so he was better able to describe what he was looking for.


    That day they were working on the album''s title track, a scorching anthem about finding a moment of grace in a sea of despair. Luke tried to set the mood by telling an anecdote he''d heard from a friend, about going to the welfare office after losing a long-time factory job. His friend had spoken about his rage at the company that let him go, his fear of losing his home and maybe more, his shame at having to apply for benefits ¨C only to walk into the office and run into several buddies there, all feeling the same way. ¡°It''s like there was more of us there than there was at work,¡± the friend said with a kind of bitter satisfaction. ¡°It sorta turned into a party.¡±


    This time Luke wasn''t surprised when some of the others shared similar stories in response. By the time they started playing, he no longer worried about trying to explain to the band what he wanted from the song. They knew.


    ***


    The next few weeks went much more smoothly, even if they were starting almost from scratch on some of the songs. The one headache that remained was trying to get to the studio in the morning and home again at night. By the end of May most of the recording was done and they were generally working on production and mixing, which often involved long sessions in the control room that lasted well into the night. Sometimes it hardly seemed worth going home at all.


    In desperation, Luke asked if he could sleep on a couch in one of the recording rooms, but the studio manager gave him a long story about insurance liability that basically boiled down to no.


    A few days later, Emmett came looking for him while they were all on a break waiting for some technical glitch to be resolved. ¡°Hey, Luke, c''mere¡­I wanna show you something.¡±


    Luke followed him to the back door of the studio and outside, into a small fenced parking lot. The spring sunshine had warmed up the air by now, though nights could still be crisp. Emmett led them to a gap in the fence that led to a grassy field next door, and gestured. ¡°Here.¡±


    He was pointing at a small green canvas tent pitched in the middle of the field. Luke looked at it for a long time, and then at Emmett.


    ¡°It''s okay, I talked to the studio guys. This field''s on the owner''s private property, it''s not covered by the studio insurance so they''re not worried about liability. I heard you talking to them the other day.¡±


    ¡°But¡­where did you¡­?¡±


    ¡°Clary and I used to go camping before the kids were born. I sweet-talked her into loaning me this for a few weeks. I know it''s still a bit cold at night but ¨C ¡±


    Luke threw his arms around Emmett''s neck, trying not to let the tears reach his eyes. He didn''t know exactly why he was so moved and excited. It might have been that his biggest problem had just been solved. Or maybe it was the evidence, once again, of Emmett looking out for him.


    ¡°¡­I put some extra blankets inside so I figure we''ll be okay.¡±


    We? ¡°You stayin¡¯ too, Em?¡±


    ¡°Sure. With two of us, you know¡­body heat.¡±


    It definitely wasn''t just Emmett''s kindness that made Luke''s heart skip. He really needed to get over this lifelong liability of easy tears. ¡°Em¡­¡±


    ¡°No big deal. C''mon, we better get back, they might be ready to start again.¡±


    That night Luke could hardly concentrate on the recording, and had to force himself to keep working till Sol called it quits around two a.m. By then only Luke and Emmett were left so when Sol closed up the control room they headed for the back door.


    Emmett had a flashlight that he used to guide them through the chilly night air to the tent. ¡°It''s pretty small,¡± he said apologetically, lifting the flap for Luke. ¡°And I''m afraid there''s only the one air mattress and sleeping bag, so we''ll have to share.¡±


    He lit a small kerosene lamp and hung it from a hook at the top of the tent. The pool of light revealed a double air mattress covered in blankets taking up most of the floor space in the tent. A sudden memory flashed through Luke''s mind ¨C blankets like these, down by the river under an open sky, exchanging nervous looks with Eddie, both of them so young, not wanting to admit their fears.


    Emmett lifted a corner of the bedding to show an unzipped sleeping bag spread over another blanket on top of the mattress. ¡°This is what Clary and me used to do, just share one sleeping bag. Hope that''s okay with you.¡±


    ¡°It''s perfect.¡± Luke looked all around, then back at Emmett. ¡°Did you bring your daddy jammies?¡± He meant it as a joke but somehow it didn''t come out that way.


    ¡°No, man. This is, like, bare bones camping.¡±


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    ¡°Bare bones, huh.¡± Luke laughed nervously and pulled off his t-shirt. ¡°Let''s get under before we freeze.¡±


    Emmett was already undressing. Luke hastily slid out of his jeans and slipped under the covers so he could watch. Emmett was so tall he could hardly stand upright inside the tent. His dark brown skin took on a golden glow in the lamp light, and Luke remembered how the water had coursed along the contours of his muscles that day at the beach. When Emmett had stripped down to his boxers, Luke opened the covers and slid over to let him in. After a moment he scooted back to fit himself against Emmett''s body. ¡°I guess I gotta warm you up,¡± he said lightly.


    Emmett laughed and put an arm over Luke, the way he always did. It felt like home, Luke thought. He lifted his face to give Emmett a peck, daringly close to the lips this time. ¡°Thank you.¡±


    Emmett''s arm tightened, and his low voice was suddenly serious. ¡°It''s okay.¡±


    Luke vaguely thought he should be doing more to take advantage of the situation, but the mattress was soft and warm, and Emmett''s body curled around his felt like a protective cocoon. It wasn''t like the record would be finished tomorrow. He shut his eyes and fell asleep.


    ***


    The next morning they got up, dressed quickly and ran into the studio to wash up in the rest room. Emmett made coffee in the small kitchenette and they ate toast and cold pizza for breakfast. When the others arrived around nine they were sipping coffee and waiting; a far cry from the usual scramble to get in some time before noon.


    Despite everything, Emmett still loved the recording process. He was even making a few extra bucks as a replacement for Sol''s original assistant, who had not expected to be needed for over six months. But mostly he was just happy to be there, to hang out with the band and see the magic happen. Even if he knew now that it wasn''t so much magic as a long, painful slog.


    It was a relief to see Luke doing better. He''d lost weight in the previous months, and his short fuse had made him seem like a different person, even if Emmett had rarely been the target of his outbursts. For one brief moment, back then, Emmett had almost doubted. Not his conviction that Luke would eventually be a star ¨C that never wavered ¨C but his assumption that this record would be the breakthrough they were waiting for. Just once, Emmett had wondered if, perhaps, they might have to wait a bit longer.


    But now Luke was back, better than ever. He had some of his old confidence, but with less hubris; his old self-assurance, but with more willingness to listen and share. He laughed more, seemed to be having fun again, and put on a few pounds. And the tent ¨C well, the tent resolved Luke''s last remaining issue. Emmett was proud of himself for thinking of it. He remembered how, back in the old days, he used to think it was his job to look after Luke because Luke paid him. Now he knew it was his job, and money had nothing to do with it.


    Emmett had half-expected Luke to make a move in the tent but for the first few nights they left the studio so late that they both fell asleep almost instantly. Their goodnight kiss usually landed on the lips these days, but that didn¡¯t seem to make any difference. Settling into bed with Luke tucked against his chest already felt like second nature to Emmett.


    A week or so later, Luke announced that the album''s title track was finished. This song had been particularly problematic, and the band and techs had worked on it on and off for almost the entire recording period. Now, at last, Luke was satisfied.


    ¡°Hallelujah,¡± said Eddie, producing a bottle of Wild Turkey seemingly from thin air. ¡°Let''s celebrate.¡±


    Jerry brought in glasses from the kitchenette. Eddie poured, they all toasted, cheered, drank and forgot, for that night, about the other half a dozen songs that remained in frustrating limbo. It was early ¨C well before midnight ¨C but no one wanted to start working on something else that night. After some general merriment and congratulations all around, people began heading home. Emmett thought about asking one of them for a ride but it didn''t seem to cross Luke''s mind so he didn''t.


    As Emmett helped close up the studio, Luke disappeared into the kitchenette and returned a few minutes later with a pot of tea and two mugs. He found Eddie''s bottle, added a few shots of whiskey to the teapot, then nudged Emmett with a grin. ¡°Let''s go.¡±


    The night air was mild and the tent warmer than usual, or maybe they just weren''t used to being outside before midnight. Emmett paused to zip up the tent flaps and as always by the time he turned around Luke had finished undressing and slipped under the covers. Most nights, Luke pulled the blankets up to his chin against the cold but tonight he sat up, pouring tea into the mugs. As Emmett lit the lantern and hung it from its hook, Luke picked up one of the mugs, moved to the other side of the bed, and leaned against the tent wall.


    Emmett didn''t mind feeling Luke''s eyes on him as he undressed every night; if anything, he kind of liked it. Those boys in college would look at him boldly, like he was some kind of half-wild exotic creature they''d never seen before, but Luke''s gaze was circumspect, admiring, abashed. It made you want to slow down and encourage him.


    Undressed, he climbed under the covers, leaned against the tent wall beside Luke, and picked up his mug. The tea and whiskey filled him with a soothing warmth. Luke seemed almost giddy as they chatted about the finished song, the record, plans for the next day. When the teapot was empty, Luke put his mug down on the tent floor and turned toward Emmett. The lamplight softened his features, but his hazel eyes glittered with a kind of suppressed excitement.


    ¡°Congratulations, man,¡± Emmett said finally, his voice lower than he''d expected. ¡°You held out and got what you wanted.¡±


    Luke half-laughed nervously. ¡°Not¡­everything I wanted.¡±


    ¡°Well, not yet.¡± Emmett saw Luke''s eyes start to widen. ¡°I mean, there''s a lot more songs to go.¡±


    ¡°Oh¡­yeah.¡±


    Emmett drained his mug and set it down. ¡°Should I put out the lantern?¡±


    ¡°If you want.¡±


    By this time Emmett was used to their goodnight ritual and would easily return the kiss, but tonight Luke didn''t seem to be initiating anything so he leaned over to peck Luke''s lips. ¡°Night, Luke,¡± he said


    Luke pressed back against Emmett''s mouth for a second longer than usual. As Emmett started to move away, he felt a hand on his thigh.


    ¡°Hey Em ...¡± Luke spoke in a half whisper, half shy giggle. ¡°Can I kiss you again?¡±


    Emmett laughed. ¡°Do you ask the girls that?¡± It was a deflection, he knew.


    ¡°No.¡± Luke sounded steadier this time. ¡°But I don''t wanna surprise you.¡±


    Despite having expected this for weeks or even months, Emmett still didn''t know how he wanted to respond. Luke''s face was golden in the lantern light, mouth slightly slack and eyes shadowed, not quite meeting his. After a moment, Emmett slid a hand on top of the one on his thigh and shifted his body toward Luke''s.


    In a second Luke''s arms wrapped around him and they kissed again, a bit hesitantly at first, then with more assurance. Emmett had to bend down to reach Luke, who tilted his head up and pressed his partly opened mouth against Emmett''s slowly, as though to savour the taste. His lips were surprisingly soft and pliant; more like Clarissa''s than a boy''s. He seemed to hold himself back just a little, like Clarissa did when she didn''t want to get them worked up. After a moment, Emmett moved his hands up to Luke''s shoulders, then to his hair and the sides of his face. Luke¡¯s eyes were closed now; he took in a breath and stilled himself, as though to let Emmett take the lead. Emmett had no problem with that. He tightened his fist in Luke''s hair and pulled him closer, pressing his own parted lips against Luke''s mouth more forcefully, before abruptly stopping himself.


    Surely this couldn''t be a good idea. Not that he didn''t like it; but they hadn''t talked about anything, there hadn''t been any negotiations, he didn''t even know what Luke wanted, exactly. Did either of them know where it might lead? He pulled away slightly and Luke stayed motionless beside him.


    ¡°You wanna stop, Em?¡±


    Emmett didn''t know what he wanted. ¡°Shouldn''t we¡­uh, should we get some sleep?¡±


    In the glow of the lamp, Luke''s face was faintly flushed. ¡°We can, if you want,¡± he said after a moment.


    Emmett pushed himself off the air mattress and went over to put out the kerosene lamp. When he got back, Luke was lying under the covers, facing him. Emmett got in and put an arm across Luke''s waist.


    ¡°That was fun,¡± he said, to be sure there was no misunderstanding. He leaned over to kiss Luke''s mouth, just a little more than a peck this time. ¡°Goodnight.¡±


    ¡°Night.¡± Luke returned the kiss, then turned over abruptly to face the other way.


    Emmett moved forward to curl himself against Luke as he usually did, but somehow tonight he couldn''t quite close the distance between them. His arm was still draped over Luke''s back, fingers brushing his bare stomach. Luke wiggled a little, as though to move further away from him again.


    Emmett didn''t believe in awkward silences. He leaned up on an elbow. ¡°Something wrong?¡±


    ¡°No.¡±


    ¡°Then what are you doing way over there?¡±


    Luke didn''t answer right away, and he kept facing away. When he finally spoke, it was in that familiar sheepish, self-deprecating tone. ¡°I just, uh¡­I don''t want you bein¡¯ surprised or anything.¡±


    For a second Emmett didn''t get it. Then he laughed aloud.


    ¡°Just don''t mind me,¡± Luke said. ¡°If I''m a little hard.¡±


    ¡°Don''t worry about that.¡± Emmett tried to sound reassuring. He scooted over, holding Luke firmly in place with his arm this time. ¡°Come here.¡± He lowered his hand curiously, brushing the front of Luke''s shorts. Yes, there it was.


    ¡°Okay, man,¡± Luke said, arching away and slapping Emmett''s hand lightly. ¡°It''s no big deal. Let''s just get to sleep.¡±


    ¡°Naw. I can look after that for you first.¡± Emmett leaned his chin on Luke''s shoulder and reached down to assess the situation in his boxers more thoroughly.


    ¡°C''mon, Em, it''s fine. You don''t need to ¨C ¡±


    ¡°Stop arguing.¡± Emmett took Luke''s cock in his hand and gave it a light squeeze to further his point. Luke hitched in his breath, but there were no more protests. Emmett''s large hand easily enveloped Luke''s cock and he pumped expertly, gently at first, faster and more forcefully when he knew Luke was ready. It only took a couple of minutes to bring him off, and Luke clutched Emmett''s forearm as he came.


    As Luke''s breathing slowed down, Emmett moved his arm back up to Luke''s chest.


    ¡°Thank you.¡± Luke reached up to squeeze his hand. ¡°But fuck, man, I messed up your blanket¡­¡±


    Emmett laughed sleepily. ¡°That''s okay, you can rinse it in the morning.¡±


    ¡°What about you, Em?¡± Luke moved backward to brush against Emmett''s shorts.


    ¡°I''m fine.¡±


    ¡°C''mon, you''re hard too. Can''t I do anything for you?¡±


    ¡°No thanks, let''s just go to sleep.¡±


    ¡°But it''s your turn ¨C ¡±


    Emmett was too tired to keep arguing. He used his most authoritative voice. ¡°That''s enough, Luke.¡±


    ¡°Oh ¨C ¡± Luke broke off, startled.


    For a moment there was silence, and Emmett shut his eyes.


    ¡°Man, now I''m hard again,¡± Luke whispered.


    ¡°Go to sleep, Luke.¡±


    ¡°All right. Night Em.¡±


    ¡°Night El.¡±

 Chapter 10

    When Emmett opened his eyes in the morning Luke was gone, which was unusual since Emmett usually woke first. He pulled on his clothes and stepped outside, then saw a blanket draped over a railing and understood. Inside the studio he found Luke in the kitchenette and slid an arm around his waist to give him a reassuring squeeze. By the time the others arrived they were as comfortable with each other as ever.


    The next few weeks continued much as before. On most nights Luke and Emmett worked late at the studio and fell asleep almost immediately, but once in a while they''d finish up early and retire to the tent to talk and make out for a bit before going to sleep. If Luke reacted physically, though, he was more careful to keep it hidden and Emmett didn''t need to help him out again, although it occasionally occurred to him that he wouldn''t have minded.


    In general, Emmett was still vaguely baffled by Luke. He didn''t doubt their mutual loyalty or affection, and he suspected his own feelings verged on something more intense than friendship. But he still couldn''t quite figure out what Luke wanted. Was it just curiosity that made him want to try new things with Emmett? Were they new things for Luke? Of course, experience with other men didn''t necessarily mean anything; Emmett knew that first-hand. Luke seemed to like women ¨C he''d been with many, as Emmett had seen for himself. He might have been with other men as well but he probably wasn''t actually a homosexual. And if he was, Emmett didn''t care.


    Obviously society didn''t approve of homosexuals, but Emmett had concluded years ago that society was bullshit. Society made up all kinds of rules that didn''t make any sense and, if anything, were just used to keep certain people down. As far as Emmett could see, the only real difference between good and bad was how other people were impacted. Actions that hurt someone else were bad; actions that helped someone else were good, and everything else was up to you. Ray and Jos¨¦ weren''t hurting anyone else, so what did it matter who they slept with? But he and Luke weren''t like Ray and Jos¨¦.


    His ''boys'' in college ¨C they hadn''t cared about him, they didn''t want to be his friend; they''d only wanted one thing from him, and they''d only wanted it for one reason. Emmett had paid them back by taking what he wanted from them just as coolly, so in the end, none of that was good or bad but only a kind of fair trade. Was Luke curious about him the way those boys had been?


    But Luke was nothing like them. Luke saw Emmett as a real person, a friend, someone he wanted to know and spend time with. His interest wasn''t in Emmett''s size or skin colour. Although he did seem to like those things.


    In the end Emmett chose to just stop wondering about it all and enjoy the days and nights with his friend. Their time in the studio was finally coming to a close. With the title track complete, the rest of the songs seemed to come together more quickly and soon Luke had more than he needed for one record. He agonized over which tracks to include and which to leave out but that was a good dilemma to be in. After that there were a couple of last-minute overdubs, then final mastering and sending the finished reels off to the record company. By the end of June, it was all over.


    Emmett and the rest of the band packed up their instruments and all the odds and ends they''d accumulated in the studio over the last eight months. They had a final toast and said their goodbyes to Sol and the studio folks who by this time seemed like family. As people started heading off, Emmett went out to the field to pack up his bedding and tent.


    Much as he looked forward to sleeping in a real house again, he thought he''d miss the nights out here with Luke. Of course they''d be seeing each other soon, but it wouldn''t be quite the same, would it?


    ¡°Hey, Em.¡±


    He looked up from flattening the air mattress to see Luke in front of him, smiling.


    ¡°Figured I''d find you out here.¡± Luke picked up one of the blankets and started folding. ¡°I got Leo to give you a ride home with all this stuff. I''ll go with Jenny.¡±


    ¡°Thanks.¡±


    They moved to opposite sides of the tent Emmett had already taken down and started folding the canvas in from the sides.


    ¡°I''m really going to miss this thing,¡± Luke said, a little sheepishly.


    ¡°I was just thinking that.¡±


    ¡°It was a real life-saver. Tell Clarissa I appreciate her lettin¡¯ us use it.¡±


    They walked towards each other holding the canvas, and met in the middle. When Emmett took the material into his hands, Luke reached up to wrap his arms around Emmett''s shoulders.


    ¡°And you. I''ll miss you.¡±


    ¡°You''ll see me in a few days.¡±


    ¡°Yeah.¡± Luke let go, and his eyes glistened a little. ¡°You know I love you, man. Like a brother. I love you like a brother.¡±


    Emmett laughed. ¡°Well, you don''t have brothers, Luke, so maybe you don''t know. But I never did that kind of stuff with my brothers.¡±


    Luke feinted at him playfully and the mood was broken. They loaded everything up, carried it to Leo''s car, waved goodbye and headed off to their own homes.


    ***


    Saving Grace was the breakthrough Luke had been hoping for. This time, when Jerry released the title track to a few select FM stations a month early, it got immediate airplay and added to the existing hype around Luke. Then the full band appeared on the cover of a major magazine, and that generated more buzz. Influential record critics who got advance copies of the album wrote rave reviews, calling it revolutionary and the future of rock and roll. By the time the full album came out in September demand was sky-high and everyone was talking about Luke Clarkston and the B-sides.


    Luke knew he should be happy ¨C and he was ¨C but mostly he found himself trying to adjust to the most intense sense of whiplash he''d experienced so far. The pressure to produce a successful third album was gone ¨C like a monkey off his back ¨C only to be replaced immediately with a new kind of pressure to capitalize on the current moment. His record company wanted him out touring immediately; they wanted him doing media events and interviews every day; they wanted to know when his next record would be ready.


    ¡°I ain''t goin¡¯ back to the studio tomorrow!¡± he protested to Jerry. ¡°We just got outta there.¡±


    ¡°That''s fine, I''ll tell them that.¡± Even Jerry, usually unperturbed by anything, seemed a bit overwhelmed. ¡°Just keep doing the media, and let''s get the tour going.¡±


    ¡°I need some time first,¡± Luke said firmly. Somehow, he knew that right now he had to stand his ground, at least on one thing. Whichever one thing was most important. ¡°You know I love touring but it''s gotta be right. I need some time to work with the band before we hit the road.¡±


    ¡°Haven''t you been working with them for the last eight months?¡±


    ¡°That was different. We need to work on the live show. Can you get us a few gigs around here to start with?¡±


    ¡°The suits are going to flip out. How long do you need?¡±


    ¡°Just a coupla months. We can start the tour before the end of the year. You gotta manage the company guys, all right? I''ll start rehearsals right away.¡±


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    And so, three months after leaving the studio, the band went to work full-time again, this time at a rehearsal space in downtown Philadelphia, so no tent was required.


    Luke wanted to revamp the overall feel of their live show, to make more space for the new songs and add a bit of gravitas while still keeping the excitement of a house party. It was a tricky balance to strike and they would need to try out different set lists to see how song flows worked with live audiences. He also needed to work out new arrangements for some of the songs from the last album that hadn''t been part of their concerts previously.


    While they rehearsed, Luke tried to keep his head down, ignore all the excitement and tune out the record company. Jerry kept trying to tell him how big the tour would be, how many records they''d sold, but he didn''t want to hear that until he and the band were ready. He did have to do interviews almost every day, and sometimes he had to deal with business that couldn''t wait, but most of his focus stayed on the band.


    This time around Eddie agreed to tour with them, which was a huge relief. It took a lot of persuading, and some financial promises, but Luke was relentless. Although his own guitar playing had improved, he really needed Eddie both for the sound and the support. He knew in his heart that asking Eddie to put his own career on hold was unfair, but this was the tour that counted for him, the one that everyone would be watching. Luke reasoned with himself that if all went well, he''d be in a better position to support Eddie''s work later on. And in the meantime, he got to play on stage with Eddie to his left and Emmett to his right, a position that made him feel invincible.


    Socially he didn''t have much time for anything. After they¡¯d left the studio Luke had been involved with one of the girls he''d dated earlier, but he didn''t see her very often now. If he was being honest, he didn''t really mind; he already knew they wouldn''t make it through the next tour. The only people he saw outside of rehearsals were Eddie and Emmett, and even that was rare. Eddie was trying to cram in all of his own projects before they left, and Emmett felt like a treat Luke couldn''t allow himself too often.


    By November Luke was satisfied with the updated live show and started working with Jerry and the technical team on tour logistics. A couple of weeks later he called a band meeting after their regular rehearsal to announce the details. They would leave in a month, and be out for almost all of 1976.


    ¡°Jerry''s gonna be talking to you about contracts next week. I strongly suggest you get a lawyer to look ¡¯em over, I wouldn''t trust that crook,¡± Luke said, laughing.


    ¡°Can I use my divorce guy?¡± Emmett asked.


    ¡°I don''t recommend it, Mountain.¡±


    ¡°Man, I never needed a lawyer in my life before, now I need two of them.¡±


    ¡°You guys should all have lawyers and really ¨C you should think about getting your own managers. Technically Jerry works for me, ya know. Also, I''ll be reviewin¡¯ all on-stage outfits, just so you know.¡±


    The band had questions, and Luke did his best to answer them. At the end of the meeting, as the others packed up to leave, he called Emmett over.


    ¡°Hey Em, there''s a reporter from some paper in Roanoke that wants to interview you ¨C I guess you''re their hometown boy. That okay?¡±


    ¡°Sure,¡± said Emmett. ¡°I''ve never done an interview before though.¡±


    Luke gave him an encouraging pat on the back. ¡°You''ll do great. Just keep it simple, stay upbeat, don''t say too much. You try to get all deep and heart-to-heart with them ¨C it never goes well. Okay?¡±


    ¡°Got it. No problem.¡±


    ¡°And listen. I''m supposed to do a big piece with this guy from Purple Haze magazine next week ¨C a kinda ''day in the life'' thing with a photo shoot¡­¡±


    ¡°You want me to go shopping with you for something to wear?¡± Emmett asked brightly.


    ¡°No ¨C ¡± Luke stopped, surprised at first and then a bit wounded. ¡°What are you sayin¡¯, man, I need better clothes?¡±


    Emmett laughed and threw an arm around him. ¡°No, no, you always look great.¡±


    ¡°I was gonna ask if you wanna come with me.¡±


    ¡°To the ¨C ?¡±


    ¡°To the interview.¡±


    ¡°But¡­why? They want to talk to you, not me.¡±


    ¡°Man, I been doin¡¯ these things for months now. It''s hard to keep comin¡¯ up with stuff, and this is supposed to be all day! I figure if you''re there we''ll have more to talk about. Will ya? Please?¡±


    ¡°I mean¡­sure. If they don''t mind.¡±


    ¡°They won''t.¡±


    ¡°Okay. Why don''t I come over beforehand and help you choose your outfit?¡±


    ¡°Yeah, I get it, I need help.¡±


    ¡°Maybe I can bring Jos¨¦ along too.¡±


    ***


    The Saving Grace tour kicked off in mid-December of 1975, and this time they headed south first, chasing the good weather. The schedule would take them all across the country, as far south as Texas and right over to the west coast, playing large clubs and halls with a capacity of a thousand or more. As promised, they had a full-sized bus with a real driver for the band and main crew; gear and equipment went in a separate transport truck. Ray, Jos¨¦ and Mark each had their own small teams, in addition to the roadie crew and a dedicated security coordinator. Best of all, they slept in real hotels and each had their own rooms.


    The Purple Haze event had gone so well that Luke and Emmett were now something of a legendary duo in music circles. The double-page spread inside the magazine highlighted their playfulness and comfort with each other but the main draw was a striking cover photo featuring the two of them holding their instruments, with Luke, tanned in a sleeveless tank and beret Jos¨¦ had picked out for him, nestled inside Emmett''s massive sepia arms. Luke was well aware of the symbolic power of this already iconic photo, and wondered if he could capitalize on it during their shows.


    The new set list replaced some of Luke''s old party songs and blues-rock jams with newer material ¨C pulsating anthems of defiance and resistance like ¡°Saving Grace¡± mixed in with slow building laments of loss and despair that heavily featured Emmett''s harp. Even the sunnier singalongs had been updated with richer, more complex pieces like ¡°Mountain Home¡±, an ode to finding peace and security in unexpected places.


    In these bigger venues the band had more space to spread out. Gordon even had a real, full-sized piano to play this time. Leo''s drum set and Gord''s piano lined the back of the stage while Pete generally hung out in the space between them. That left Emmett, Luke and Eddie for the front line.


    Eddie still looked sharp, and brought a kind of detached ironic cool to the stage. He often traded vocals with Luke, sharing the mic so closely their faces almost touched. The second guitar gave the band a harder edge and meant Luke only had to add rhythm and the odd solo while focusing more on singing and crowd management.


    On his other side, Emmett was a powerhouse of support, instinctively responding to whatever Luke did. He had more confidence now, an onstage authority that let him command the crowd almost as well as Luke did. Just standing beside him made Luke feel like the envy of everyone in the room.


    Luke''s fans had always been enthusiastic, but on previous tours they''d been mixed with casual attendees, often curious locals or drinkers who just happened to be at the bar. Now the whole crowd was there specifically to see the band: some old fans and many more new ones attracted through the latest album or media hype. Luke still had to work to pull everyone in, but he felt like he started off one step ahead with these audiences.


    For the first time, he was routinely asked for autographs. At the end of a show, small groups of fans would stay behind or wait outside the backstage door with album covers or posters for him to sign. Luke enjoyed these meetings and was always happy to oblige. He often felt like it was the least he could do to repay the people who made it possible for him to live out his dream.


    Even venue staff and local industry folks treated him and the band almost like stars, meeting them diffidently, expressing admiration for the latest album or asking if they needed anything. Jerry hadn''t added any extravagant riders to the contracts but now organizers supplied lavish food and drink and sometimes flowers or other amenities backstage. In the past, when Luke met locals in the music industry they¡¯d felt like colleagues; now they seemed more like employees or admirers.


    Some things didn''t change at all though. Every time the band got on their bus to drive to a new location, no matter how many empty seats there were now, Luke always swung himself in to ride beside Emmett.


    ***


    ¡°Bet you don''t regret giving up your day job now, Em.¡±


    ¡°I never regretted it. Best thing I could''ve done.¡±


    ¡°You must make more money with us now than you did as a counsellor.¡±


    ¡°Well, a bit more. If the tour income stays steady, I''m better off.¡±


    Darkness slipped by outside the window and hung in the air all around them; their bodies pressed together, and the vague sense of moving forward in the night enveloped them.


    ¡°What does Clarissa think now? She see your point of view more?¡±


    ¡°I don''t know, I haven''t asked her. Maybe.¡±


    ¡°What if we get even bigger ¨C say you''re a big star, rakin¡¯ it in. You think she''d wanna get back together?¡±


    Emmett paused, rubbing his hand against Luke''s shoulder absently. ¡°I don''t know, maybe.¡±


    ¡°Would you? Get back together?¡±


    ¡°No, man.¡± This time the answer was definitive. ¡°I love her but that''s over.¡±


    ¡°So¡­you''re happy about what happened?¡± Luke looked up at Emmett with a wrinkled brow, as though trying to understand the secrets of marriage.


    ¡°Not happy exactly, but it''s probably the best thing that happened to us. You gotta understand, Luke¡­Clary and me were never really that tight. I mean, we fit together, we made a good team back then. But she wasn''t the love of my life, and I''m not the love of hers. Right now she''s mad at me but she''s not heart-broken. I wouldn''t be doing her any favours by taking her back. Without me she''s got a chance to find the real love of her life. And maybe I can find mine.¡±


    Luke was quiet, his head on Emmett''s chest, listening without comment.


    ¡°I plan to look anyway,¡± Emmett said, more playfully now. ¡°I''m a free man this tour so I got lots of opportunity to find the right person.¡±


    ¡°You think you''re gonna find the love of your life backstage after a show?¡±


    ¡°You never know. I can have fun trying, anyway.¡±

 Chapter 11

    On this tour the band often played two or three nights in the same town, which made for a less hectic schedule and also gave them more chances to meet people. Leo had a family now, but everyone else took advantage of their private hotel rooms and the many interested women who found their way back behind the stage after a show.


    Emmett had always been friendly and charismatic but in the past he''d kept some distance from the women; this time he turned on his charm with them as well. Luke watched him in the greenrooms and dressing rooms backstage, and saw he had no trouble making connections or finding someone to join him back at the hotel later.


    Of course, Luke had no trouble with that either; he''d been meeting women at shows for years. For him, the process had lost its novelty, and he no longer had any expectation of meeting the right person this way, if he ever had. Even for short-term companionship, the soft skin and small, delicate features that used to enthrall him in women now seemed strangely boring and lacklustre.


    Some nights Luke would sit in his dressing room, chatting with fans and groupies, listening to the low intimate rumble of Emmett''s voice from the room next door, and tell himself he should try harder. If Emmett was looking for the love of his life, shouldn''t he be too?


    It was hard to work up the enthusiasm, but he could never begrudge Emmett his new-found freedom. Luke promised himself that he''d back off, give Emmett every chance to find what he was looking for. Who, after all, deserved happiness more?


    So Luke spent post-show evenings hanging out with fans or local musicians, talking shop and sharing stories. Outside of performing or playing, that was his favourite way to spend time anyway, and it seemed like another way to give back to his supporters. Once in a while he''d bring a girl back to his room, if only to keep the worst cravings at bay. On free days, he often stayed in his room with his guitar writing new songs, or met with Jerry to take care of business.


    The rest of the team tended to hang out together on off days, when they weren¡¯t meeting with locals, and Emmett''s hotel room soon became the centre of social activity; not so much because he was the most gregarious but because he naturally drew people to him. Band and crew members would gather in his room on free afternoons or evenings, to drink, talk, play cards or jam. Even Eddie preferred to join the gang rather than hole up with Luke to work on new material. Luke couldn''t resist dropping by occasionally for a game of Hearts or a rehash of the previous day''s show, but he tried not to do it too often these days.


    At every major city on the tour, an industry event of some kind would be held in Luke''s honour. While the facilities and catering were substantially better this time around, the events themselves continued to bore him. He did his duty, allowing himself to be paraded around and introduced to hordes of faceless functionaries, shaking hands and making polite small talk. Even the suits were different this time ¨C less condescending, more fawning. Sometimes he''d meet local musicians ¨C often ones he knew and admired ¨C and the chance to talk shop and perhaps find opportunities to work together was the only good part of these evenings.


    As he''d promised ¨C or perhaps threatened ¨C Luke began asking Emmett to join him for these events, along with Eddie and Jerry. On nights with no one interesting to distract him, Luke would stand with a beer, nodding along to whoever was bending his ear, and watch Emmett interact with the grey-suited execs and media personalities across the room.


    It reminded him of that first night they''d met. Emmett had the same warm, open candour, though now it was mixed with a certain authority and presence that had been toned down before he joined this band. Watching him, Luke could see the suits respond, charmed and captivated, much as he had been that first night. It gave him an odd feeling ¨C half jealousy at the idea of Emmett''s charm bestowed on someone other than himself, and half pride in the knowledge that Emmett was his discovery, had chosen to join his band. Then he''d tell himself again that Emmett did not belong to him. If anything, maybe he belonged to Emmett.


    In any case, Emmett seemed to benefit from the connections, picking up occasional invites for side projects or guest appearances on late night talk shows. By now he''d taken Luke''s advice and contracted his own manager, but he never accepted a gig without asking Luke¡¯s permission first.


    ¡°It''ll just be a day''s work,¡± he''d say eagerly. ¡°They''ll fly me out to the studio and back on Monday when we don¡¯t have a show.¡±


    ¡°Sounds good, Mountain,¡± Luke would say, shrugging. ¡°Long as it don''t interfere with a show, you ain''t gotta ask me.¡±


    But privately he knew how irate he¡¯d be if anyone accepted work outside the band without checking first; he just kept up more of a pretense with Emmett.


    In truth, Luke loved how much control he had over every aspect of the band''s work, since the success of Saving Grace. He''d always had ideas, a vision, but in the past it had been a struggle to execute them. He''d been constantly thwarted and frustrated, required to compromise or concede to someone who held the power or the purse strings. Forming the non-democratic band, the band he hired and controlled, had been a start, but up till now money or business or everyday reality had limited him; he''d had to fight or negotiate for everything he wanted.


    Now, everyone deferred to him about everything ¨C not just the band but the record company, the money guys, the lawyers. No one made decisions without consulting him, not even Jerry or the label execs. It was a new kind of responsibility ¨C sometimes even an annoyance ¨C but being the captain of his own ship, directing everything around him, for the first time, was a thrill for Luke.


    ¡°The piano needs to go further to the right,¡± he''d say, standing on the middle of the stage before soundcheck. ¡°And why ain''t my mic stand bolted down? What, Jer? No, I want a second date added in Tampa, if it sold out that far in advance we need a second night¡­Leo, man, what are you wearing tonight? I ain''t done your wardrobe check yet. Jos¨¦, you make a note about that second spot on Em? I want the orange and amber on him, I don''t like the white. Yes, man, we want catering ready by six¡­the band''s gotta eat!¡±


    Every decision, big or small, was his to make, and no one questioned it. After so many years of settling and accepting, Luke relished being the organization''s dictator. Between that and the fan adulation, he almost felt like a real rock star these days. Sometimes he remembered what he once told Emmett ¨C that he wanted his life to be a party future generations would envy ¨C and thought his vow had come true.


    But of course, the true highlight of Luke''s life was, and always would be, playing live. And the live shows on this tour were better than ever. It wasn''t just the bigger venues, better sound quality, and more professional crew. The band sounded tighter than ever, and audiences reacted powerfully to the new set list and songs. Luke had found his groove by now and started to loosen up, confident enough in the show and the band to shake things up as they went along. Though his performance was always physically draining he hated for the night to end, so concerts started to grow longer and longer, often clocking in at close to four hours.


    ¡°I know we done this a hundred times before,¡± he''d say to the band, his mantra before each show, ¡°but for some folks in the audience, this might be the one and only time they ever see us play. We owe it to them to make it feel like the best concert we ever done.¡±


    Luke could hardly believe this was his life ¨C that after all those years of striving, he''d reached the promised land he''d dreamed of, where his one and only job was to create, record and perform his music for people who wanted to hear it. The thought often almost overwhelmed him with a surge of gratitude to the fans who made this life possible, an intense desire to repay them through a kind of service; a commitment to be the performer, the artist, the man they wanted him to be. Sometimes he wondered if he would always have this feeling, or if many more years of the same thing might leave him jaded and unmoved.


    The narrative has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.


    Onstage, he forgot everything he¡¯d told himself about giving Emmett space; concerts felt like another dimension where nothing counted except the moment they were in. When Emmett blew his trumpet, Luke''s whole body responded; he couldn''t keep himself away. He''d sing with Eddie into their shared microphone, then run to the other side of the stage to throw himself onto Emmett ¨C hanging over his shoulder, dancing at his side, leaning against his back, striking a dramatic pose, pressing their foreheads together.


    Emmett always welcomed him with unabashed enjoyment, responding with equally frenetic moves of his own, or by blowing out his solos with exaggerated stoicism from within the circle of Luke''s hyper-focused attention. Sometimes he''d scoop Luke up at the end of the night ¨C or even mid-show ¨C cradling him like a baby or lifting him triumphantly aloft. Luke loved those moments the best; being nestled in the safety of Emmett''s arms even in the midst of a thousand clamouring fans. Every interaction with Emmett drew frenzied shouts and applause from the audience, and Luke knew he was, in some way, living their fantasies.


    ***


    ¡°Hey Em, ''member how you tried adding maracas in ''Blue Steel'', back when we were in the studio?¡±


    ¡°Sure.¡±


    ¡°Well I was thinkin'' I wanna try that again. If Mark can find some, you think you could try it on stage?¡±


    ¡°Course. If he gets them before sound-check tomorrow we can try it out then.¡±


    ¡°Seems like you can play anything, man. How''d you get so good at so many instruments?¡±


    ¡°I told you, musical family. We all played something different and some days we''d switch around so we all got to try something new. Plus there was church. We all played in the church band.¡±


    ¡°Did you sing in church as well?¡±


    ¡°Everyone sings in our church. But no, not in the choir or anything. Why do you ask?¡±


    ¡°Cause you have a nice voice.¡±


    Emmett laughed. ¡°Not like yours.¡±


    ¡°I dunno, mine''s nothin'' special really.¡± Luke shrugged. Tonight he sat shoulder to shoulder with Emmett instead of propped against him, and braced his knees on the seat back in front of them. ¡°I just learned how to use it better.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, I''ve never had any voice training or anything.¡±


    ¡°You never had any musical training, did you? I thought you were all self-taught.¡±


    ¡°I had a few piano lessons when I was a kid. The piano didn''t stick, but I learned to read music and some basic stuff.¡±


    ¡°What do you think about doin'' some more vocals with me?¡±


    Emmett raised his eyebrows. ¡°Don''t you have Eddie for that?¡±


    ¡°Eddie ain''t gonna be around forever. Anyways, I don''t mean replacing him ¨C not yet at least. I was thinkin'' more like extra backup vocals.¡±


    ¡°I already do backup vocals.¡±


    ¡°Yeah but more. I want a richer sound on some of the upbeat songs, more harmonies and extra layers in the chorus, y''know, like those girl groups had, like Motown acts.¡±


    ¡°Huh.¡± Emmett considered that. ¡°I don''t know much about harmonies.¡±


    ¡°I been thinkin'' about it, maybe bringin'' in a girl just to have someone on it full-time. But maybe we could use you instead.¡±


    ¡°I can give it a shot if you want me to. Is there someone I can work with on it?¡±


    ¡°Maybe Gordie can help you, I think he has the most training out of all of us. Ask him to help you work somethin'' out for the chorus in ¡®Flaming Up¡¯, okay?¡±


    ¡°Sure. But you know, it''s not such a bad idea to bring a woman into the band. That could change things up a bit.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, I might still. But let''s see how you do for now.¡±


    ***


    ¡°Take a seat, babe. We gotta talk.¡±


    Luke hated when Jerry started conversations that way. He pulled up a chair in the makeshift production office backstage and waited.


    ¡°We got some bad news.¡±


    Like that wasn''t obvious. ¡°Get to the point, Jer.¡±


    ¡°The label''s suing us.¡±


    ¡°What? What for? Which one?¡±


    ¡°The first one, man. That''s the point. They think we have to stay with them.¡±


    ¡°I thought you said we could get a better deal with the other guys.¡±


    ¡°We can, we did. But I warned you they might say your original contract gives them right of first refusal on your next album.¡±


    ¡°You told me to sign that contract.¡±


    Jerry waved a hand. ¡°It was a good deal, back then. I just figure we can get a better one now by shopping around.¡±


    ¡°So then¡­¡±


    ¡°Remember we got Nate''s advice before I started shopping, he said there was a risk. He warned us.¡±


    That was true. Jerry had dutifully consulted Luke on every step of the contract renegotiation process with the record label, including input from their lawyer, Nate. Luke was the one who told him to go ahead and take the risk.


    ¡°So what now? They''re suing us ¨C can''t we countersue or something?¡±


    ¡°We can, sure. But there''s something else.¡±


    Of course. Luke realized abruptly that what he''d heard so far wasn''t actually the bad news; that was about to come. He sank further down in the chair and braced himself. ¡°What is it?¡±


    ¡°They got an injunction.¡±


    ¡°A what? What the fuck is that?¡±


    ¡°An injunction. It''s a legal thing, you get it from a judge. Stops you from recording your next album.¡±


    ¡°What? They can''t do that. How can they stop me?¡±


    ¡°They got a thing from a judge. You set foot into any recording studio, you go to jail.¡±


    ¡°Gimme a break, Jer! They can''t do that.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, they can. They call the judge, he says it''s contempt of court cause you''re breaking his order. You go to jail.¡±


    Luke sat in stunned silence, staring at Jerry, who looked back at him evenly.


    ¡°Well¡­for how long? Can''t we get Nate to break the injunction?¡±


    ¡°Not till the court case is over. Or cases, if we wanna countersue.¡±


    ¡°Jesus. That could take years.¡±


    ¡°Yeah. Let''s set up some time next week to meet with Nate and go over the legal strategy.¡±


    Luke stared at Jerry again. Legal strategy? Who cared about that? The tour was almost over, he had at least twenty new songs ready to go, and his last album was already a year old. He''d been counting the minutes till he could start working on the next one.


    ¡°But what about recording?¡±


    ¡°You aren''t going to be recording anything any time soon.¡±


    ¡°Well, what am I supposed to do?¡±


    Jerry leaned back in his chair. ¡°We can ask Nate if it''s best to settle in advance or go to court, maybe we can get them to meet the offer I got from ¨C ¡±


    ¡°Not about that!¡± Luke jumped to his feet and started pacing around the office. ¡°What do I do? The tour ends in a month ¨C if I''m not recording, what am I going to do?¡±


    Jerry eyed him from behind the desk. ¡°Take a break?¡±


    ¡°For how long? I can''t just wait around for years. What do I even live on? It''s not like I got savings coming out of this tour.¡± Luke stopped pacing and leaned against the wall, hands over his face. ¡°What am I gonna do?¡±


    Jerry thought for a moment. ¡°Another tour?¡±


    In the end, that seemed like the best idea. Luke had no ongoing source of income; Saving Grace was selling respectably but he still hadn''t earned back the advance. Income from the current tour was divided equally between the whole band, after expenses, and most of Luke''s share went to pay off previous debts. Without another advance on his next record, he had nothing to live on.


    In November, with less than a month left in the tour, Luke called a meeting of the full team after a sound check, and waited nervously while everyone gathered. For the first time, it occurred to him that there might be such a thing as having too much control. Not only did he have to meet with Nate and Jerry next week to talk about legal strategy, but now he had to convince this large group of colleagues to give up another year or so of their lives to spend on an uncomfortable bus and a hundred different hotel rooms.


    He explained the situation as well as he could, trying to sound more confident than he felt. When he stopped talking the group was quiet. He saw their frowns and furrowed brows and braced himself for a mutiny. What if the guys refused? What could he do, fire them?


    ¡°But how long is it gonna take to set up a whole new tour?¡± Leo asked finally.


    ¡°Jerry''s workin'' on it right now. We don''t need to have everything final at the start, he''ll just keep adding more dates as we go along.¡±


    ¡°But for another year? You really think there''s enough demand?¡±


    ¡°He says he''s got no problem booking shows so far.¡±


    Pete jumped to his feet. ¡°How long before we gotta leave again? How much time off?¡±


    ¡°A couple of months. The first shows he got lined up are for the new year, so we''ll be off over the holidays and leave sometime in early ¡¯77.¡±


    ¡°Do we have to spend the whole time off rehearsing, man?¡± Gordon asked a bit peevishly.


    Luke was eager to offer a concession. ¡°Naw, no rehearsals, I promise. Just one or two right before we start again to get back in the swing.¡±


    He saw them glancing back and forth, exchanging looks with each other, and held his breath. As the silence lingered his gaze found Emmett, sitting alone near the back of the room with an unreadable expression, and for an instant he felt forlorn and alone. If even Emmett was against him, he might as well throw in the towel.


    Then he realized Emmett had met his eyes and was smiling slightly. He smiled back instinctively, and the next thing he knew Emmett was standing up.


    ¡°Guess I''ll go call my mama then,¡± Emmett said, ¡°and tell her the good news. Think I can bring the boys out for a couple of dates in the summer?¡±


    And suddenly the rest of them were nodding and smiling and getting to their feet as well, exchanging plans and making arrangements ¨C if not exactly excited, at least agreeable and without complaint. Some of them even looked happy.


    Luke leaned against the wall behind him as the adrenaline drained out of his body and left him limp. He shut his eyes to say a silent prayer of thanks. When he opened them again and looked around, Emmett was gone.

 Chapter 12

    The next day Emmett bumped into Luke at the club they were playing that night. This was their second night in the same location so no need for a sound-check; the guys drifted between the hotel and the venue all day. Emmett went over to drop off his newly-pressed suit for the night, then wandered into the empty greenroom, wondering if anything was left over from the lunch spread. He was snacking on grapes and crackers when Luke came in, apparently on the same mission.


    ¡°Oh hey Em,¡± Luke said, glancing around the room. ¡°Any of that apple pie left?¡±


    No doubt he was checking to see if they were alone, and would find an excuse to leave now he knew they were. Emmett didn''t mean to let that happen today.


    Against his usual policy, he''d taken a long time to follow up on this strange awkwardness with Luke. At first he just hadn''t noticed the gradual change in Luke''s behaviour, and when he did start to suspect something he doubted himself because the change was inconsistent. At times he''d catch Luke watching him with that familiar look of affection and diffidence, or they''d grab each other backstage after a show in a moment of giddy excitement, just like old times. But those moments slowly became less frequent, and when Emmett looked back it seemed like things had been different for a long time.


    Even then he didn''t think too much of it; he didn''t doubt Luke''s love or loyalty for a moment. Perhaps it was just that Luke was a big name now, and so many people wanted a piece of him. Luke himself had an open heart and a genuine interest in other people, and on this tour he was constantly surrounded by folks who were even more interested in him. It seemed only natural that he might have less time for his old pals. Emmett didn''t mind taking a back seat for a while, letting his friend have this moment in the sun that he''d been working toward for so long.


    It took quite a while to conclude that Luke wasn''t just busy, he was actively distancing himself from Emmett ¨C at least offstage. He didn''t exactly avoid Emmett; they were often together in groups and got along just like always. But the two of them were almost never alone together now, and even more strangely, Luke seemed to avoid physical contact with him. They still sat together on bus rides, but Luke spoke less, asked fewer questions, focused the conversation more on work, and kept his body apart from Emmett''s; often he just leaned his head against the seat back, shut his eyes and rode in silence.


    When Emmett was finally sure something was up, his instinct, as always, was to confront Luke and resolve whatever the problem was. But this time he¡¯d hesitated. Luke had so much going on, so many complications to deal with already. Surely he didn''t need one more hassle from his friend. Okay, maybe Emmett was a little hurt, but for once, couldn''t he let things ride for a while, and see if they''d work themselves out?


    So he did. He left Luke alone and busied himself with other people ¨C women, mostly, and the rest of the band. He missed his old easy intimacy with Luke but, after all, that couldn''t be forced.


    A couple of nights back, the guys had all been in his hotel room as usual, playing cards, and Luke had stopped by as well, which was also not especially unusual. In the large crowd of people, Luke had chatted a bit with Emmett, telling a story about a group of fans from the night before. Somehow during the story everyone else in the room decided to head out for dinner, which Luke didn''t notice until suddenly, as he ended the story in a gale of laughter, he seemed to look around and realize for the first time that he and Emmett were alone. The laugh ended abruptly, and an odd, guilty look replaced it. He mumbled something about joining the others and quickly disappeared.


    That''s when Emmett had decided enough was enough.


    Now he swallowed quickly and pointed at one of the trays. ¡°No, but there''s cherry.¡±


    To his surprise, Luke lingered over the table and then came to stand beside him with his plate. Emmett had stationed himself by the door so he could intercept Luke if necessary. He opened his mouth to speak, but Luke beat him to it.


    ¡°Listen, thanks for having my back yesterday,¡± Luke said. ¡°I really needed the help.¡±


    ¡°No problem,¡± Emmett said automatically.


    ¡°I thought the guys were going to revolt.¡±


    ¡°Naw, man, they just needed time to adjust. It''s great we''re gonna keep touring. That''s good money for all of us.¡±


    ¡°I know it''s a long time away from home.¡±


    ¡°Beats working.¡±


    They laughed, and Luke finished off his slice of pie. ¡°Well,¡± he said, setting down the plate, ¡°better get back to¡­¡±


    ¡°Did I do something?¡±


    ¡°What?¡± Luke froze mid-turn.


    ¡°Did I do something,¡± Emmett repeated clearly. He waited while Luke adjusted to this new topic.


    ¡°Why would you ask that? Of course not. What''s goin'' on, man?¡±


    Luke''s attempt at baffled innocence was not convincing. Emmett found himself slightly annoyed.


    ¡°You know why I''m asking. And I wish I knew what was going on. Why don''t you tell me?¡±


    This time Luke looked away for a moment without speaking. ¡°I ain''t sure I know what you''re referring to,¡± he said slowly. As Emmett started to shake his head in exasperation, Luke suddenly grabbed his arm. ¡°C''mere,¡± he said more gently, pulling him over to a couch on the other side of the room.


    The small gesture and the pause in conversation gave Emmett time to cool down. Luke wasn''t dismissing or avoiding him; maybe he just needed time to explain.


    They sat facing each other on the couch, Emmett trying to be patient, Luke shifting uncomfortably under his gaze.


    After a moment, Luke picked up Emmett''s hand and said hesitantly, ¡°Don''t be mad, Em, I ain''t tryin'' to play dumb. Maybe I just am dumb.¡± He gave his short, abashed laugh, the one that always stopped abruptly as though he suddenly feared no one else was laughing. ¡°But why would you think you did something wrong?¡±


    ¡°I don''t. I don''t think I did anything wrong. But I don''t know why else you''d avoid me for almost a year. Did you just decide you¡­¡± Emmett waved his hand, hardly able to come up with another scenario. ¡°¡­You don''t like me anymore?¡±


    Luke dropped Emmett¡¯s hand and leaned back against the couch, facing the middle distance. ¡°I don''t avoid you.¡±


    ¡°Okay, you avoid being alone with me.¡± Emmett caught Luke¡¯s quick side glance. ¡°That''s it, isn''t it? You don''t want to be alone with me.¡±


    ¡°I''m just¡­trying to give you space.¡±


    Emmett¡¯s eyes grew round in confusion. ¡°Space? What do you mean, space? Why would I need space?¡±


    Luke sighed. ¡°I didn''t want to cramp your style.¡±


    The unexpectedness made Emmett laugh, disbelievingly. ¡°You''d better explain yourself, boy,¡± he warned, only half kidding.


    ¡°I didn''t mean nothin''. It was stupid, I was just being dumb.¡±


    ¡°That''s it? You''re telling me you made me crazy for a year because you''re dumb?¡±


    This time they both laughed, and in another moment, Luke had thrown his arms around Emmett''s neck, burying his face in Emmett''s shoulder.


    It was impossible to stay angry. Emmett folded his arms around Luke''s back and let him rest there. The way Luke fitted himself against his body, the weight on his chest, the sense of protecting something precious in his arms; all the old familiar feelings rushed back. He turned his head to press his lips against Luke''s cheek.


    When Luke finally sat up again, Emmett loosened his grip but didn''t let go. ¡°You know I love you, brother.¡±


    ¡°Love you too, Em.¡± Luke brushed the back of his hand against his eye impatiently. ¡°I didn''t mean to make you crazy.¡±


    ¡°I still don''t understand, though.¡±


    ¡°Fuck, man. You said you wanted to find a new girl, a wife maybe. I thought I better leave you alone ¡¯cause when we hang out sometimes¡­well, stuff happens.¡±


    The genuine version of this novel can be found on another site. Support the author by reading it there.


    Emmett frowned. ¡°You mean, like, making out? What we do? Listen, Luke¡­I love messing around with you, but that''s not gonna stop me from meeting chicks.¡±


    ¡°I know. I mean, now. I know now.¡±


    ¡°It''s not the same thing. It''s two different things.¡± Emmett didn''t know how else to explain; it seemed self-evident to him. ¡°Like, I can''t marry you.¡±


    Luke laughed. ¡°I know.¡±


    ¡°Anyway, even if we didn¡¯t fool around anymore, if we didn''t want to¡­you wouldn''t need to avoid being alone with me. We can hang out whatever way we want.¡±


    ¡°I know. You''re right.¡± Luke nodded rapidly, a mix of embarrassment and relief. ¡°I told you, it was stupid.¡±


    ¡°It took you a year to figure that out?¡±


    ¡°It took you to figure it out for me. Man, what a waste of time. I been missing you, Em.¡±


    ¡°Like I missed you. Don''t do that again, okay?¡±


    ¡°Yeah, okay. I got it.¡±


    Emmett stood up and hauled Luke to his feet. It was a relief to feel Luke''s body against his own again ¨C not just when they hugged then, but the regular, casual touch of hands, shoulders, hips, legs that resumed afterward; the leaning, brushing, nudging, elbowing. That was the natural way of things ¨C offstage, like it was onstage.


    ¡°What''d you come over here for anyway?¡± Luke asked, as they headed back to the catering table together.


    ¡°To drop off my suit for tonight. Hey, man, how come you never do a wardrobe check on me?¡±


    ¡°Don''t need to. You always look fly.¡±


    ¡°That''s cause I listen to Jos¨¦.¡±


    ***


    Soon after the extended tour began, Luke called Emmett''s hotel room late in the evening after a show.


    ¡°You alone?¡± he asked first.


    ¡°Yeah, sure.¡± Emmett understood what Luke meant. He hadn''t brought any company back that night, which he suspected Luke knew as they''d returned to the hotel together after a bit of decompression at the venue. Now that they no longer travelled at night, both Emmett and Luke tried to manage the inevitable crash from performance high to melancholy exhaustion by spending a bit of time backstage after a show, reliving concert highlights and lowlights with the crew and whoever else was around. It usually worked, but perhaps tonight Luke needed more.


    ¡°Didn''t wake you, did I?¡±


    ¡°Naw, I was just going to bed.¡±


    There was a pause, then Luke said, ¡°Can I come by?¡±


    ¡°Sure.¡± Emmett smiled to himself as he hung up. He finished getting ready for bed and waited for the knock on his door. When he opened it, Luke stood outside in clean post-show jeans and a t-shirt, looking a little sheepish. Emmett stepped back to let him in, then went over to his bed and pulled back the covers, exactly as he''d been about to do.


    ¡°You, uh, upgraded¡­¡± Luke said, gesturing at Emmett''s new burgundy silk pajama bottoms.


    ¡°Yeah.¡± Emmett climbed into bed and leaned against the headboard, looking at Luke. ¡°I buy my own now.¡±


    Luke chuckled a little and moved restlessly around the small room. There was nowhere to sit besides the bed, so Emmett waited for the inevitable. But Luke seemed hesitant.


    After a minute Emmett moved over and patted the covers beside him. ¡°C''mon over here. What''s on your mind?¡±


    ¡°Just¡­keyed up, can''t sleep.¡± Luke accepted the invitation quickly. He perched on the side of the bed, then swung his feet up to lean against the headboard beside Emmett.


    ¡°No shoes on my sheets. Take ''em off,¡± Emmett directed. ¡°It was a great show tonight, no major disasters, nothing to keep you awake. Did you try having a drink?¡± He wondered if Luke needed him because he couldn''t sleep, or couldn''t sleep because he needed him. Either way, his own job was clear.


    ¡°A couple.¡± Luke kicked off one shoe and then the other. ¡°Didn''t help. I was just thinking ¡¯bout when we were making the last record¡­¡±


    Emmett leaned over to turn off the lamp beside his bed. ¡°C''mon, man¡­take off your clothes and get in here.¡±


    Luke didn''t need to be told twice. He pulled his t-shirt over his head, threw it aside, and sat up to push his jeans down to the floor, slightly unsteadily. Emmett could see the effect of those drinks now. He lifted the covers and tossed them over Luke as he slid under. In a moment they had fitted themselves together just as they used to do, Emmett curled around Luke with an arm over his side. Luke lifted his face to peck Emmett''s cheek and they looked at each other for a moment.


    ¡°Think you''ll be able to sleep here?¡± Emmett asked.


    ¡°Um¡­maybe.¡± Luke half-chuckled with a kind of guilty satisfaction, like a small boy getting away with something. He shifted restlessly then turned toward Emmett again. ¡°You know, Em, I think I might be what they call a bisexual.¡±


    ¡°Yeah?¡±


    ¡°Um¡­what about you?¡±


    ¡°I think I like you a lot.¡±


    Luke smiled at that, then lowered his voice conspiratorially. ¡°I might just have a little¡­tiny¡­crush on you.¡±


    Emmett tried not to laugh. ¡°Oh, really?¡±


    ¡°You ain''t mad, are you?¡±


    ¡°Nope.¡± Emmett tightened his arm reassuringly, which was apparently all the encouragement Luke needed. He kissed Emmett again, on the lips this time, and Emmett didn''t have to be persuaded. They made out for a while, like they used to do in the tent back in the studio days, leisurely, mouth on mouth, or jaw or throat, hands on each other''s back or face.


    It all seemed rather innocent to Emmett at first, a bit sweet; he wasn''t worried that it might take them somewhere complicated. As long as their hands stayed above the waist, which seemed to be the unspoken agreement, he thought this was more a form of closeness and comfort than desire. He enjoyed it, and it would help Luke sleep, so why not?


    When Luke''s hands started to reach down to the top of his pajama pants, Emmett moved them away, and at first Luke obeyed the implicit instruction. His hands slid up Emmett''s back to the shoulder blades, then around to the front, stroking his chest and the space between his ribs. Emmett understood that Luke had always found his body intriguing; he turned onto his back to make the exploration easier. Luke''s touch on his skin felt good, but surely this was just slightly tipsy curiosity.


    Luke paused and raised himself up a little. ¡°I¡­really want to look after you like you looked after me,¡± he whispered.


    ¡°Nope,¡± Emmett said. He leaned over to kiss Luke''s mouth. ¡°Let''s stick to this.¡±


    Luke lowered his head and ran his hands along the sides of Emmett''s chest and ribs, then started to make his way slowly downward. This was starting to feel a little less innocent. Luke was not sticking to their agreement at all, but despite his words Emmett didn¡¯t want him to; he wrapped his arms around Luke''s back, slowing his downward momentum but not stopping it, and watched with a mix of excitement and trepidation.


    The movement stopped. Lying on top of Emmett now, Luke could obviously feel his arousal. He reached for the pajama waistband again, gently. ¡°Please¡­¡±


    Emmett''s mind whirled with indecision. He slid his hands over top of Luke''s, holding them still. ¡°You''re just¡­curious,¡± he managed.


    ¡°Ohhh¡­yeah.¡± Luke''s whisper was a half-laughing, half-embarrassed admission that left Emmett more confounded than ever. If he let Luke finish exploring, would that be the end of it? Would it make things more complicated later or less? Would it help Luke get to sleep? It was so hard to think. How did he best take care of this boy in his arms? Surely, surely, letting him do what they both wanted couldn''t be a bad thing?


    Emmett released his hold and in an instant Luke''s hands were pulling down the front of his pajama pants and reaching inside. One hand closed around Emmett''s cock, then shifted a couple of times, as though weighing the heft and experimenting to find the best grip. Emmett arched up into the touch and shut his eyes in anticipation. Luke''s grip felt good ¨C maybe better than a woman''s; stronger and more confident. This wasn''t going to take long. Then the hand disappeared, and a moment later a warm wetness enveloped his dick.


    ¡°Luke ¨C¡± Emmett''s eyes flew open. This wasn''t our agreement, he wanted to say, but couldn''t quite get it out. He reached down and caught Luke''s hair in his hands, then hastily let go lest he exert too much pressure. Luke did not seem to be a stranger to this new activity; he brought Emmett to full hardness quickly and then took his time, building intensity slowly, occasionally switching from mouth to hand and back again. When Emmett neared his climax he reached for Luke again to warn him, but Luke made no effort to pull away, only tightened his grip on Emmett''s hips, until it was over and Emmett fell back on the bed.


    ¡°Sweet Jesus, Luke.¡± Emmett didn''t have the strength to sound as forceful as he meant to. He wrapped his arms around Luke, who was sliding back up his chest. ¡°That was¡­¡± he started, then gave up trying to speak.


    Luke kissed Emmett''s mouth before sliding down on to the bed beside him. Emmett turned, curled his body around Luke''s, threw an arm over him, and fell asleep almost immediately.


    ***


    In the morning Emmett woke early, as usual, and immediately remembered the night before. He glanced over to see Luke asleep in the bed beside him. Well, he must have managed to get to sleep at some point.


    Emmett slipped out of bed and quietly called room service to order breakfast: full American for him, toast and eggs for Luke; they knew each other''s routines by now.


    By the time the food arrived, Luke was awake and sitting up in bed. ¡°Mornin¡¯, Em,¡± he drawled.


    ¡°Morning, El,¡± Emmett said, bringing the trays over.


    ¡°Uh¡­thanks for last night.¡±


    ¡°No problem,¡± Emmett said without thinking, then laughed at himself. ¡°I should thank you. Sorry I passed out right afterward. Man, how''d you get so good at that?¡±


    Luke smiled cryptically. ¡°Instinct?¡±


    It was hard to know whether to believe him or not, but Emmett didn''t pry. They sat side by side on the bed, working on their meals. ¡°Did you get to sleep okay after I did?¡±


    ¡°Yep.¡±


    ¡°How come you couldn''t sleep earlier, anyway?¡±


    ¡°Curiosity.¡± Luke said it with a little smirk, and for a moment Emmett was amused. Then he felt a sudden spark of irritation, an old grudge somehow linked to that word and older memories.


    ¡°You curious about Gordie too?¡±


    For a second Luke stared at him, baffled. Emmett regretted his words immediately, but it was too late; Luke''s expression turned to understanding, and then hurt.


    ¡°No.¡± Luke looked like he''d had the wind knocked out of him. ¡°Never once thought of him that way.¡±


    ¡°Sorry.¡±


    ¡°What have I ever done to make you think¡­ ¡±


    ¡°Nothing. I was just being stupid.¡±


    ¡°Well ¨C your turn I guess.¡±


    The mood had soured in an instant. Emmett wished he could turn back time. ¡°I didn''t mean it, Lukey. I''m sorry.¡±


    They ate in silence for a couple of minutes. Then Luke reached over to squeeze Emmett''s thigh. ¡°People been curious about you that way before I guess. That''s why you asked.¡±


    Emmett didn''t really want to talk about it, but wasn''t he the one who brought it up? ¡°Yeah.¡±


    ¡°The chicks backstage¡­?¡±


    ¡°Some of ¡¯em.¡± Emmett shot Luke a sideways glance. ¡°Some of ¡¯em just want to meet you. Either way, I avoid those ones.¡±


    ¡°I bet.¡± Luke chewed on his toast, then spoke without looking at Luke. ¡°Guys too?¡±


    Emmett paused. ¡°Some. In college.¡± He knew what Luke wanted to ask but didn''t quite dare. To forestall further discussion, he got up, grabbing their trays and taking them out to the hall. When he came back into the room, Luke was on the edge of the bed, pulling on his jeans.


    ¡°Listen, Em¡­¡± Luke said, looking up with his t-shirt in his hands. ¡°We ain''t gotta do this if you don''t wanna.¡±


    ¡°I like it.¡±


    ¡°I know I can be pushy. You can just tell me to fuck off.¡±


    ¡°Why would I do that?¡± Emmett came over to sit beside him. ¡°I told you, I like it.¡±


    ¡°You never start nothin¡¯ though,¡± Luke said lightly. He pulled his shirt over his head and reached for his shoes while Emmett considered.


    ¡°That doesn''t mean I don''t think about it.¡± That was the truth; he did think about it. It just never occurred to him to do something about it, the way Luke did.


    ¡°So next time you think about it, call me.¡± Luke pecked Emmett''s cheek, waved and was on his way.

 Chapter 13

    After that, Luke and Emmett often got together when they were alone at night. Emmett figured Luke''s crush wouldn''t last forever so he might as well enjoy it while it continued. Even when he brought a woman back to the hotel with him, Emmett would often find himself wondering what Luke was up to. He had the impression Luke was much more selective than him in bringing back guests.


    Overall, Emmett enjoyed the whole tour even more than the previous one. He was hugely proud of the band onstage ¨C this was the tightest, hardest working group of musicians he''d ever played with. Even better, while of course he loved Luke best, he was fond of everyone he worked with, from band mates to crew and roadies.


    Between shows, Emmett worked with Gordon, and then with Eddie as well, to develop his voice and take on more backup vocals and harmonies. He enjoyed the singing, and Luke seemed especially pleased, calling his voice surprisingly sweet and even giving him a couple of short solos. But there were limits to what Emmett could take on while still leaving enough lung capacity for his trumpet and harp, and he didn''t think Luke was fully satisfied.


    On many days Emmett almost felt sorry for Luke, who constantly had so much to deal with. He seemed to like being in control, at least at first, but was obviously overwhelmed at times. Emmett recognized the signs of stress when Luke grew short-tempered and snappish with the team, or sometimes just withdrawn. But no matter how high the pressure, Luke rarely spoke sharply to him.


    And every night or two, the band lit up the stage. Everything would be forgotten in those three or four hours except the pure joy of performing. Luke commanded these large rooms and huge crowds just as effectively as he did the tiny dive bars back in Philly. Not quite thirty yet, he still had his boyish charm but now he leavened it with moments of dramatic power. Emmett never got over his amazement at the deep, old man''s voice that would suddenly emanate from his young friend, as though an ancient soul inhabited the youthful body.


    With Eddie on his other side, Luke now had two focal points for his chaotic onstage energy, though Eddie tended to focus more on his guitar and vocals than responding to Luke. Emmett, on the other hand, still loved letting Luke bounce off him in every possible way. By unspoken agreement, the two of them never talked about or planned their onstage antics, trusting to the energy of the moment for maximum spontaneity.


    Still, as the tour went on they found themselves returning to certain poses that seemed particularly iconic ¨C standing side by side at the edge of the stage, holding their instruments triumphantly aloft, during one of the anthems; or locking gazes and swaying together at centre stage when Luke''s guitar accompanied Emmett''s harp refrain during a slow, haunting number. Emmett understood that Luke used these moments for their symbolic power, to communicate a message or heighten the mythology of their partnership, and he had no objection. Whatever the symbolism might mean, it seemed truthful to him.


    Of course, what the audience didn''t see were the private moments that offset those public displays ¨C the celebratory spray of water Luke would direct at Emmett when he cooled himself off; his quick squeeze as he passed Emmett while running across the stage; the way he grabbed Emmett''s hand in the dark between songs.


    Sometimes Emmett wondered if Luke had mixed up the private and the public the first time they kissed each other onstage. It was at the end of a show, during their final encore song ¨C ¡°Flaming Up¡±, an early rocker that never failed to bring the house down ¨C during which Luke traditionally used an extended bridge to introduce the band. He always saved Emmett for last, announcing him as ¡°Emmett The Mountain Evans!¡± while Emmett took a moment to preen for the audience. Then the band would pick up the song again, and Luke and Emmett would circle each other like prowling panthers during the instrumental break before putting their heads together at the mic to shout out a vocal. That night was just like every other except that as they faced each other across the mic stand, Luke leaned over another couple of inches and impetuously kissed Emmett''s lips.


    Emmett wasn''t sure anyone in the audience even caught the tiny moment. Luke smirked at his raised eyebrows as though it were just another private gesture, and neither of them spoke about it afterward. But from then on, every night during the ¡°Flaming Up¡± encore, Luke and Emmett shared that fleeting kiss in front of a thousand fans.


    The set-up on this tour was much better than the last one. The venues were bigger and properly ventilated, the stages higher, security more effective, so at first Emmett worried less. But he still kept a close eye on Luke while they played, and it wasn''t only to catch cues. As the shows grew longer he saw signs of Luke pushing himself past his limits. Once or twice, toward the end of a show, Luke stumbled slightly and Emmett caught him, holding on until Luke regained his breath and nodded his ability to continue. The band added in a short break before the final encore, but Luke couldn''t be persuaded to stay off stage for more than a few minutes. As the final song ended Luke would lift his guitar to the crowd and sometimes fall against Emmett''s chest, where Emmett would hold him until he felt Luke''s heartbeat drop to a normal rhythm.


    No one was surprised when it finally happened, on a hot August night at an outdoor show in Tulsa. Local operators had set up fans that were entirely ineffective, and the crowd, pressed close to the stage, blocked any hope of a breeze. During the band''s final break they all begged Luke to skip the encore or at least cut it short, but he wouldn''t hear of it. And just as the final song''s outro reached its climax, as Luke reached for his guitar to lift it up, his head suddenly fell back and a second later he crumpled to the stage floor.


    Emmett dropped his trumpet and lunged when he saw Luke''s eyes roll back, but didn''t quite reach him in time. Fortunately, Jos¨¦ had the sense to cut the lights instantly so the fans didn''t know exactly what happened and a potential riot was avoided. Emmett had scooped Luke into his arms and carried him backstage before he remembered the old first aid instruction not to move an unconscious person.


    Jerry ran over to meet them, shouting at someone to call an ambulance. He pulled Emmett, still carrying Luke, out to the back loading dock, where Mark brought out water and people debated the wisdom of throwing it on Luke while they waited. Emmett hardly heard the discussion around him; he kept his eyes fixed on Luke''s pale face, which meant he saw the eyelids quiver and open before the others did.


    By the time the ambulance arrived Luke was awake and embarrassed, telling everyone he was fine and Em could put him down now. Of course no one listened, and he was raced to the nearest hospital where a bored-looking doctor diagnosed him with fatigue and heat exhaustion. They kept him in for observation for three nights, and Jerry cancelled the band''s shows for the next two weeks.


    Naturally Luke was furious when he heard that, and after some heated negotiations from his hospital bed, during which Emmett sat beside him silently holding his hand, persuaded Jerry to reinstate the last couple of dates in the second week.


    After his release, Jerry, Eddie and Emmett collectively met with Luke to insist on a few changes ¨C hard caps on the overall concert length, encores cut in half, and no outdoor or indoor shows anywhere with a temperature above 85 degrees. Luke resentfully agreed.


    ¡°You know you didn''t have to side with them,¡± he grumbled afterward. ¡°I thought you''d have my back.¡±


    ¡°I do have your back,¡± Emmett answered, good-natured now that he''d won. ¡°That''s why I sided with them.¡±


    ¡°I can''t believe you want me to cut back on how long we play. I owe it to the fans to stay up there as long as I can.¡±


    Emmett tried not to roll his eyes. ¡°Why do you think that?¡±


    Luke struggled for words to explain himself. ¡°It''s ¨C it''s like my service to them. It''s how I pay them back for letting me do this every night, letting me live my life this way.¡±


    This time Emmett¡¯s glance was more admiring. ¡°That''s a nice idea. But you don''t pay anyone back by giving yourself heatstroke.¡±


    ¡°Ain''t like that''s gonna happen again.¡±


    This content has been misappropriated from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.


    ¡°It might not if you put a little more meat on your bones.¡±


    ¡°What are you saying, I need to eat more?¡±


    ¡°Sure, but why not also come with me to the gym? You could build up some muscle strength and endurance, maybe that would help.¡±


    Luke brightened. ¡°Really? You gonna show me what to do?¡±


    ¡°Sure.¡±


    Emmett wasn''t much of a trainer but he taught Luke some basic routines that Luke enthusiastically adopted, and they started going to the gym together whenever they had the chance.


    ***


    The tour resumed and people stopped treating Luke like an invalid eventually. The restrictions on his performances infuriated him, but he more or less kept his word, and there were no further incidents. Emmett spoke privately to Jerry about hiring someone with a medical background in the crew, just in case. For a long time, he found it hard to relax onstage and resume his old antics with Luke.


    ¡°Stop watching me like that,¡± Luke scowled after a show, sounding genuinely annoyed with Emmett for the first time in a long while.


    ¡°It''s hard to stop once you''ve seen someone pass out,¡± Emmett said defensively.


    ¡°You worry too much. I follow the rules, I been workin'' out. I don''t know what else you guys want.¡±


    They''d always reached for each other at the end of a performance, but now Emmett took to dropping his instrument and wrapping Luke in his arms the moment the final note was played. It soon became another of their iconic poses, Luke waving farewell to the crowd from within the safety of Emmett''s arms at the end of the night. Despite his complaints about other changes, Luke never objected to this one.


    With the new protocols, Luke did seem less burnt out at the end of their shows, but other frustrations ¨C especially the ongoing legal battles and his inability to record anything ¨C kept him short-tempered and on edge. He spent even more time holed up in his own hotel room now, working on new material, and less hanging out with the guys, rarely joining them even for meals. When he emerged for sound-checks he dealt with technical issues and questions tersely, no longer looking like he enjoyed directing the whole production. Once or twice, Emmett tried to speak to him about delegating a few responsibilities, but Luke wasn''t receptive. The only time Emmett could coax a few laughs from him was when they joined each other in bed.


    Usually, one of them phoned the other, or slipped a note under their door if the call wasn''t answered, when they wanted company, so Emmett didn''t expect to see Luke in person when he got a knock on his hotel room door right after a show.


    ¡°Hey, man, I didn''t know you were coming over,¡± he said in surprise.


    Luke didn''t smile. ¡°You alone?¡± He glanced around quickly and came into the room without waiting for an invitation.


    Emmett wasn''t sure what to think. He closed the door behind Luke and stood in front of it. ¡°Something wrong?¡±


    ¡°I think somethin¡¯s wrong with me.¡± Luke paced across the floor. ¡°Can I just hang out for a bit? I guess you ain''t ready to sleep yet.¡±


    ¡°Sure.¡± Emmett moved up behind Luke and laid his hands on Luke''s shoulders, which usually helped to settle him. In an instant Luke turned and dropped his head on Emmett''s chest, so Emmett wrapped him in his arms and held him for a few moments. When they broke apart, Emmett took Luke''s elbow and steered him over to the bed.


    ¡°C''mon,¡± he said quietly. ¡°Tell me what''s going on.¡±


    ¡°Nothin'' really.¡± The quick tears had come to Luke''s eyes again, but he ignored them, kicking off his shoes so he could lay back beside Emmett on the bed. ¡°Just a stupid fight with Ray.¡± He half-laughed as he said it, as though it sounded absurd even to him.


    ¡°With Ray? What happened?¡±


    Luke seemed calmer now; a bit embarrassed, if anything. ¡°Y''know we been having trouble with the piano audio lately, right? It keeps gettin¡¯ lost in the mix.¡±


    Emmett nodded. ¡°Wasn''t there some feedback tonight ¨C in ''Blue Steel'', I think?¡±


    ¡°Yeah, there was. Cause at sound-check today I told Ray to hike it up way too far.¡±


    ¡°Oh, yeah, that''ll do it. So, wait¡­you had a fight because he did what you told him to?¡±


    ¡°Listen, man.¡± Luke turned toward him, sudden heat in his voice. ¡°I ain''t blaming him for that.¡±


    Emmett sat up, taken aback. ¡°I don''t get it. Why did you fight, then?¡±


    ¡°Because he didn''t tell me. I asked him about it after the show and he said anything that high would cause feedback. I mean, he knew what would happen and he didn''t say nothing.¡±


    ¡°Oh¡­well, sure, that''s his job, course he knew. But why didn''t he tell you?¡±


    ¡°That''s it. That''s what I want to know. When I asked him he just said he didn''t want to argue with me.¡±


    Emmett understood then. He opened his mouth, trying to think of something to say, but he saw both sides immediately ¨C Ray''s reluctance to correct a sharp-tempered, volatile employer, and Luke''s sense of betrayal at being let down by a friend.


    ¡°I mean,¡± Luke went on, as though he heard Emmett''s thoughts, ¡°Ray''s, like, one of my oldest friends. Why wouldn''t he just tell me I was full of shit?¡±


    ¡°Well¡­sometimes it''s hard to argue with the boss.¡±


    ¡°That''s how it''s always been though. He never had trouble with it before.¡±


    Emmett hesitated. Did Luke not realize how much he''d changed?


    ¡°The whole reason I work with my friends is so they''ll tell me the truth. I don''t wanna be surrounded with guys that only tell me what I want to hear.¡±


    ¡°Maybe you should tell him that.¡± Emmett saw the familiar sullen resistance in Luke''s eyes. ¡°Look, you want me to talk to him tomorrow?¡±


    ¡°Maybe.¡±


    Emmett patted Luke''s leg and got up. He felt Luke''s eyes on him as he moved around the room, getting ready for bed.


    ¡°You wouldn''t do that, would you Em?¡± Luke asked. ¡°Humour me like that?¡±


    ¡°No.¡± Privately, Emmett thought there might be scenarios where he needed to, but not in the same way that Ray did.


    ¡°So how come¡­¡±


    Emmett paused, watching Luke and wondering what conclusion he''d eventually reach.


    ¡°Do I get away with too much these days? Am I so¡­hard to deal with?¡±


    ¡°You¡­have your days.¡± Emmett sat on the side of the bed and put an arm around Luke''s shoulders to take the edge off his words. ¡°Let''s get in.¡±


    Luke stood up to undress, still pondering. ¡°You know I love having all this control nowadays,¡± he said slowly. ¡°But sometimes I wonder if bein¡¯ in charge ain''t so good for me.¡± He looked at Emmett. ¡°You know what I mean?¡±


    ¡°Not exactly.¡± Emmett climbed under the covers. Sometimes he wondered if Luke did too much thinking. ¡°C''mon, man.¡±


    Luke laughed as Emmett effortlessly lifted him and flipped him over to the other side of the bed. He landed on his back, a bit breathless, and Emmett leaned over top of him, pinning his hands down beside his head and kissing him.


    ¡°You''re not in control of me,¡± Emmett said.


    Luke lay still below him, and looked up into his face. ¡°That''s how I like it.¡±


    ***


    In the morning Emmett was a bit surprised to find the bed empty beside him. He checked the time ¨C 8:45, early for Luke to be up and out ¨C and found a scrawled note on his night table: See you at brekfast. L


    When he got down to the hotel restaurant and saw Luke and Ray laughing together over empty plates and coffee cups, he understood.


    ***


    The extended tour followed winding, random routes based on where Jerry could scare up gigs. Every time they got close to the northeast, Emmett would ask Clarissa to bring the boys to meet them somewhere. He still wasn''t rich ¨C his income from the tour wasn''t that much more than he¡¯d made as a counsellor ¨C but he currently had no expenses; everything was covered for him, and he''d even sublet his Philadelphia apartment to his sister. So he could afford to be generous with plane or train tickets, and the kids had been able to join him a few times. Everyone would make a fuss over them at the hotel ¨C especially Luke, who always cheered up when they were around ¨C and later Clarissa would bring them to the venue so they could watch Emmett play from backstage. The kids were duly impressed with their father''s job, and Clarissa seemed a lot more even-tempered with him now.


    Emmett had also managed to get in a visit with his folks in Floyd during the original tour. Near the end of the extension, as the schedule brought them back toward Virginia again, he made plans for another visit, and asked Clarissa to meet him there with the kids.


    ¡°Can I come?¡± Luke asked out of the blue.


    They were eating breakfast at the hotel restaurant, and Emmett stopped with a forkful of scrambled eggs half-way to his mouth. ¡°Come where?¡±


    ¡°To visit your folks.¡±


    ¡°Why do you want to visit my folks?¡±


    ¡°Well, the boys are gonna be there too, right? It''ll be fun to see all of them.¡±


    It was hard to believe Luke was serious. Emmett swallowed the eggs, shrugged, and decided to call his bluff. ¡°Okay with me. I''ll let them know to make up another bed.¡±


    ¡°I''ll stay at a hotel,¡± Luke said quickly, and by the next day he''d booked one. Emmett reminded himself not to underestimate him.


    A week later the two of them rented a car and drove an hour out of Roanoke to the small house Emmett grew up in. The visit felt surreal to him, like a clash of two different worlds, but it worked. By this time Robbie and Walt adored Uncle Luke, and even Clarissa seemed less brittle around him. After the kids were in bed and Clarissa had headed downtown for a night out, Emmett sat with his mama in the kitchen and watched Luke talk about crops and cars and the price of gas with his father and grandma out on the porch. By the time he left, his pop was making plans to take Luke fishing, and his mother looked slightly baffled but as close to happy as he''d seen her since his divorce.


    ¡°Why''d you come, really?¡± Emmett asked Luke as they drove back to join the band, late the next day.


    Luke gave a smile and a shrug, his hands on the wheel. ¡°I wanted to meet your family.¡±


    ¡°C''mon, for real.¡±


    ¡°For real, I wanted to meet them. And¡­I dunno. I want them to know who you work with. Like, I ain''t some rock and roll hoodlum leading their son astray.¡±


    Emmett laughed and squeezed Luke''s thigh. ¡°Maybe you are leading me astray though.¡±


    The twilight hills and shadowy trees of Emmett''s youth slipped behind them outside the car windows. Luke put his hand on top of Emmett''s and they found their way back to the band in peaceful silence.


    ***


    In the end they toured for another two and half years, until all the lawsuits were settled in mid-1979. By the time they wrapped up, Emmett could hardly remember any other way of living.

 Chapter 14

    The lawsuits were finally resolved and Luke signed a new contract with a different record company, on much better terms. Jerry booked time at Forge, the recording studio, on the day the injunction was lifted. The next album was a breeze to record. Over the three years of the last tour, Luke had written new songs, taught them to the band, tried them out during shows, and perfected everything by the time they arrived back in Philadelphia. By now, Luke had enough money from royalties and the next advance to buy a car, and Emmett bought one too, with his savings.


    ¡°We never need to hitch again!¡± Luke said gleefully.


    ¡°Or sleep in a tent,¡± Emmett added under his breath, and they shot each other a quick look.


    Recording took less than two weeks, with everything performed and captured just the way Luke wanted it. The album came out a couple of months later, at the end of the summer. This time the cover featured a photo of Luke with the full band; on the back was a candid snapshot of Luke and Emmett in the locker room at their gym, with Emmett sitting on a bench holding a girl on one knee and Luke on the other. Jerry must have asked Luke a hundred times if he was sure he wanted to use that image, but Luke figured he didn''t get into rock and roll just so he could play it safe.


    The album got good reviews and sold well, with the first single even reaching the bottom of the hit charts. The first time Luke randomly heard his song playing on the radio was one of the high points of his life.


    Of course, the new record company wanted the band back out on tour again almost immediately. That would have been fine with Luke ¨C he already missed performing and barely knew what to do with himself at home any more ¨C but he was conscious that the rest of the guys needed a break. After some back and forth between the band and the label, Luke got an agreement to postpone touring till the early fall of 1980.


    That left Luke with a year to kill in Philadelphia. By now he had a decent apartment and was very much a big deal in town. There was a flurry of media interest when the album released that died down after a few months. His family seemed impressed at the attention he was getting, and he spent some time re-connecting with them ¨C hanging out with his sister, spoiling his mother, and trying to forge some kind of awkward d¨¦tente with his father. As always, he was constantly writing, and when he didn''t go out he sat on his porch with a guitar, working on new material.


    Many nights he still hung out at the bars downtown, telling stories, letting people buy him beer, joining bands onstage whenever it appealed to him. He always kept an eye on the other local performers and one night he met a young singer-songwriter named Laura, who had a lovely voice that made him think again about his idea of expanding the band. But Eddie had agreed to join the next tour, and Emmett''s voice worked well with his songs, so in the end he just filed Laura away in his mind for future reference.


    Luke tried to honour his internal promise to support Eddie''s projects, but found his opportunities limited. Eddie sang and played guitar in his own band so he didn''t really need Luke, though he''d occasionally ask Luke to join him onstage just to drum up more interest in his gigs. Jerry and Luke had both tried to persuade the new record label to sign Eddie as well but the company declined, and in the end Eddie got a small one-album deal with a different label on his own. When he was ready to record, Luke lent him a bit of cash and showed up at the studio every day, trying to keep quiet unless Eddie asked for help or advice, which he usually didn''t. It was strange to feel so irrelevant.


    Meanwhile, Emmett appeared to be enjoying his quasi-celebrity status and freedom in Philly. He savoured the increased attention and seemed to like being surrounded by new friends and admirers. He and Luke continued to spend nights together while they both dated women casually, until Emmett settled on a steady girlfriend. After that they still hung out but the sleep-overs stopped. Luke often went over when Emmett had the kids, and sometimes they''d take the boys on expeditions to Ocean City or Wildwood.


    Luke had a couple of relationships that lasted for a few months but nothing longer than that; he always found himself restless and dissatisfied and would look for a way to end things. When he had someone who passed for a girlfriend, Emmett would suggest double-dates, or invite the two of them over for dinner with him and Gina, his girlfriend.


    For the first time it occurred to Luke that Emmett could be a source of pain. It seemed almost impossible to reconcile that idea with the deep sense of safety and comfort Emmett had always given him. Luke tried to remind himself that Emmett saw their nights together as a kind of interim entertainment, and still expected to find a woman to settle down with. By this time Luke couldn¡¯t really imagine the same thing.


    In the spring of 1980, the album''s second single became an unexpected, bonafide hit, picking up airplay on both AM and FM radio and reaching the top of the Billboard charts. Luke was a bit taken aback at the idea of being a Top 40 artist, but the increased media interest ¨C not to mention an almost immediate impact on his royalty payments ¨C outweighed his misgivings.


    By mid-summer it was time to start preparing for the next tour. Rehearsals began, and Luke worked with Jerry on planning and logistics. This tour would be larger than the last one, with the band and crew still travelling on buses but now playing much larger concert halls and arenas. It would last a little less than a year, with a few breaks, and for the first time included a series of shows in Europe.


    ¡°I ain''t ever been to Europe before,¡± Luke said.


    ¡°Me neither,¡± Emmett agreed. ¡°What countries are we going to?¡±


    ¡°England, France, Italy ... Germany ... Spain ... I don''t recall everything.¡±


    They were walking home from practice on a sweltering August night, a few weeks before the tour was set to launch. Both of them lived close to the rehearsal space, and they often hung out together after a practice.


    ¡°I can''t wait, man.¡±


    ¡°For Europe or the tour?¡± Luke laughed. They cut through one of the city parks, their paces slowing in the heat.


    ¡°Both. I mean, seeing London and Paris, that''s pretty cool. But I love touring anywhere.¡±


    ¡°Man, it''s hot. You wanna go check out the bar strip tonight or¡­?¡±


    ¡°I might just head home. It''s too hot to play and I''ve got the kids tomorrow morning.¡±


    As they came up to a tall decorative water fountain, Luke reached over and tossed a handful of water at Emmett, then poured another handful over his own face.


    ¡°That feels good.¡± Emmett, in shorts and an unbuttoned shirt, lowered himself onto the low stone wall surrounding the fountain, kicked off his sandals and dangled his bare legs into the water. Laughing, Luke dropped down beside him, pulled off his shoes, and swung his feet into the pool next to Emmett''s, letting the water soak his jeans up to the knees.


    ¡°Hey, how''s Gina doin''?¡± Luke asked after a minute. ¡°I ain''t seen her in a while.¡±


    ¡°Aw¡­¡± Emmett half shrugged with a hint of embarrassment. ¡°We split up last week.¡±


    ¡°What? You never told me! Oh¡­I''m sorry, man.¡±


    ¡°It''s okay. You know how it is. I knew we weren''t gonna make it through the tour so¡­I just figured it''s better to end things now.¡±


    ¡°I guess. How''d she take it?¡±


    ¡°Not so bad. I think we both saw the writing on the wall.¡±


    Luke turned his face away, not trusting himself to hide his relief. He kicked his feet, spraying more water onto Emmett. ¡°Probably a good idea,¡± he said eventually. ¡°So¡­you''re a free man for the tour anyways.¡±


    ¡°Yep.¡±


    Something in the way Emmett spoke made Luke turn back towards him. What did that faint smile mean? Luke stood up and splashed randomly through the water, wondering if Emmett ever missed him like he missed Emmett.


    ¡°Does that mean we can¡­¡± he started.


    ¡°Yep.¡±


    In a moment they were chasing each other around the fountain, circling the falling jets and kicking up sparkling sprays of water. Emmett reached out for Luke, his strong arm encircling Luke''s waist and pulling him closer. Then, in mutual understanding, they threw their arms over each other''s shoulders and ran straight through the high circle of spray at the centre of the fountain, the water cascading over their faces like falling rain.


    Afterwards they walked the rest of the way home, laughing, soaked through, and carrying their shoes.


    ***


    ¡°He what?¡± Luke cackled disbelievingly.


    ¡°He air-guitared on the dance floor,¡± Emmett said, with that bemused look he often had when describing Jerry''s actions.


    ¡°But why?¡±


    ¡°I think he was trying to impress that fox from the PR company.¡±


    ¡°Did it work?¡±


    ¡°...No.¡±


    Luke dropped his head in amusement. They lay in Emmett''s hotel room, Emmett in an open silk robe, and Luke sprawled across the bed beside him, propped on his chest. They''d already made out for a while and then stopped, as they often did, to drink and chat before moving on.


    The tour was a few months in now, long enough for Luke to get over his initial jitters. He''d worried, at first, about his ability to manage arena-sized crowds, but found that with a few adjustments he could still bring a sense of community and cohesion to upwards of fifteen thousand fans. Sometimes he had to rely on bigger gestures now; turning his mic to the audience to let them lead the chorus of his hits, or running across the stage into a long slide or series of tumbling somersaults. His iconic poses with Emmett somehow became even more dramatic on the large, high stages, though he supposed the quick kiss in ¡°Flaming Up¡± was missed by anyone beyond the first row. He asked Jos¨¦ to turn up the houselights occasionally so he could see the crowd''s faces, and had the crew add ramps and aisles that let him leave the stage more easily. It hadn''t occurred to him to alert the security team but someone ¨C he suspected Emmett ¨C obviously did, as one of them was always set to follow him when he jumped down from the stage and made his way into the crowd.


    ¡°Can''t believe I didn''t get to see that.¡± Luke raised his head again and looked up at Emmett. ¡°Was Eddie there?¡±


    Stolen novel; please report.


    ¡°No, just me and Jerry from the team. You should''ve come.¡±


    ¡°Aw, I had enough of those industry parties. Even watching Jer embarrass himself don''t make them worth it anymore.¡±


    ¡°So what did you do tonight?¡±


    ¡°Oh, you know¡­hung out with some fans, had dinner with a guy from the radio station ¨C I got an interview with him tomorrow before the show.¡± Luke stood up to make Emmett another drink. ¡°But thank you for going, I appreciate you takin'' one for the team.¡±


    Emmett laughed. ¡°I like those events. It''s a good way to meet people, maybe line up new projects.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, you like being the talent and letting everyone make a big deal over you.¡±


    ¡°Sure I do, what''s wrong with that?¡±


    Luke shook his head, smiling. ¡°Nothin¡¯.¡± He poured Jim Beam over ice in the glass, then added ginger ale. The bottles came from his own room where Janie had left them as requested. His income had increased recently ¨C not so much from tours, but from album sales and royalties ¨C and he''d hired his first personal assistant just before the tour started. Janie was one of his oldest fans, willing to work cheap in exchange for joining the tour, and she freed him from the most banal aspects of daily life.


    He brought the drink over to Emmett, who was leaning against the headboard now, and dropped back down onto the bed.


    ¡°Bet that PR lady woulda gone home with you if you tried.¡±


    ¡°I bet she would too.¡± Emmett grinned at Luke over the glass as he sipped. ¡°But I had plans with you, man. I wasn''t going to stand you up.¡±


    Luke planted a kiss on his shoulder, then lay back down to rest his head in Emmett''s lap. ¡°Thank you.¡±


    ¡°Hey, Luke¡­¡± Emmett looked down at him, more serious now. ¡°I heard some of the company guys talking at the party, and they say this tour is doing really well.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, it is. You guys''ll get a new statement soon, you''re gonna be happy.¡±


    Emmett''s broad hand brushed the hair off Luke''s forehead. ¡°It''s not just about the money. I''m glad it''s going well; I thought maybe you weren''t liking this one as much.¡±


    ¡°You know I love touring.¡± Luke could hear the caginess in his voice and knew Emmett would too.


    ¡°Is it the size of the venues? I know it''s harder with the big crowds.¡±


    ¡°It''s not that. I love the crowds. I love how many people want to see us.¡±


    ¡°What''s bothering you, then?¡±


    Luke lay on his back and stared up at the ceiling. ¡°It just¡­feels different from before. Y''know, we got, like, fifty people on the team now ¨C I don''t even know everyone''s name. I mean, I could pass someone at the store and not know they work for me.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, that seems weird.¡±


    ¡°And I barely see the guys. No one hangs out together any more.¡±


    ¡°Well, they have their own lives.¡±


    ¡°Sure, I mean, Leo¡¯s got his wife and kids here¡­¡±


    ¡°Eddie''s got Jenny¡­¡±


    ¡°His fianc¨¦e. But, like, I have fucking meetings with Ray and Jos¨¦ and Mark¡­it''s like we''re some kind of corporation.¡±


    ¡°You meet with us too.¡±


    ¡°Yeah¡­sound-check, show, weekly meeting, that''s the only time the band''s together.¡±


    ¡°We''ve had a lot of togetherness over the last seven years, man.¡±


    Luke laughed. ¡°I get it, there ain''t much left to talk about.¡±


    ¡°It''s not like everyone hates each other.¡±


    ¡°I know, they just got shit to do.¡± Luke sat up and took a sip from Emmett''s drink. ¡°Even you, man. You''re always busy with other people and these parties and all the chicks¡­.¡± Actually, the women didn''t bother Luke so much, although they were plentiful, because Emmett didn''t seem serious about any of them. In fact, Luke suspected Emmett mainly brought attractive women to events so he''d get more attention from the media; he always scoured the papers the next day looking for coverage, much to Luke''s amusement. ¡°I ain''t complaining, just sometimes I miss hangin¡¯ out.¡±


    ¡°You''re busier than me, though. I''d hang out with you if I could find you, but most days you''re holed up with Jerry for hours.¡±


    ¡°Yeah.¡± Luke sighed. ¡°I thought having Janie would free me up for fun stuff but I just spend more time with Jerry instead, going over money and contracts and new deals¡­¡±


    ¡°Aw, you don''t like being a big star now?¡± Emmett said, pulling away so he could face Luke with gentle derision.


    ¡°I love bein¡¯ a rock star. I love feeling like I can do something for the world. I love bein¡¯ famous and having fans, and the money don''t hurt either. It''s just ¨C it don''t always feel like rock and roll now, feels more like a business. I spend all day making deals.¡±


    ¡°You know if you don''t take care of your business, someone else is gonna do it for you.¡±


    ¡°I know, I''m glad I''m in control. But man, some days I just wish someone else would make the decisions for me.¡±


    Emmett growled playfully, grabbed Luke and swung him back into his lap, then held him in place and leaned down to kiss his mouth. ¡°I can decide some things for you if you want.¡±


    Luke did want. The combination of powerlessness and safety in Emmett''s arms still intoxicated him. He wanted that, and the friendship, and the physical intimacy, and all the things he already had with Emmett. Only he wanted more as well.


    Luke wasn''t the type to hide from the truth. He knew simple crushes didn''t last for seven years; he knew he didn''t sleep with Emmett out of curiosity, or because no girl happened to be handy; he knew who he was thinking about when he sang love songs these days. The way he felt with Emmett wasn''t the same as he felt with a friend; the way Emmett felt to him wasn''t the same as a woman did. This thing with Emmett was different from anything he''d known before ¨C exciting and heady, rich and ripe for exploration.


    But he still wasn''t sure Emmett took their sleep-overs so seriously. It was as if Emmett figured as long as they just talked, made out, got each other off and went to sleep, he could continue to categorize everything they did under the heading friends. Was that really how he wanted it, or just the safer option?


    Luke thought often about pushing the question, trying to force Emmett into an admission, or at least into actually considering the question. He hesitated not because he was afraid of the answer, but because he wasn''t sure Emmett himself knew what he wanted yet. This was, after all, Emmett''s first real taste of freedom; he''d spent his whole life before now doing what others wanted him to. How could he know his own preferences until he''d had chance to sample all the options? Wouldn''t he reach the right decision eventually?


    In the meantime, Luke tried to hold himself back and stay within Emmett''s comfort zone. He let Emmett take the lead in bed as in most other places ¨C because it just felt right. Perhaps Luke had been a bit intimidated at first, or grateful for Emmett''s faith in him; maybe now he was burnt out on decision-making, or it might have something to do with that feeling he got whenever Emmett pinned him down or carried him, helpless as a child. Whatever the reason, Luke''s instinct was to defer to Emmett in all things outside of work or music.


    So tonight he was happy to let Emmett hold him down and kiss him until he was gasping, no longer embarrassed that it made him hard. Emmett knew what he liked and always seemed good-natured about taking care of him; in fact, Luke was pretty sure he enjoyed it more than he let on. Afterward Luke felt so good he almost drifted off. That was the great thing about being with a guy, he thought drowsily; they understood.


    But he didn''t want to miss his chance to return the favour if Emmett would let him, which he usually did without much protest these days. Rousing himself after a couple of minutes, Luke turned to face Emmett, who lay with an arm over him as always.


    ¡°Em?¡± He usually asked for permission first, just to be safe.


    There was no answer; Emmett''s breathing was soft and even but surely he couldn''t have fallen asleep yet? Luke reached down and tentatively closed his hand around Emmett''s dick.


    ¡°Hey ¨C ¡± Emmett mumbled, swatting Luke''s hand away sleepily. ¡°You''d be in trouble if you were my boy¡­¡±


    ¡°Huh?¡± Luke¡¯s hand froze in place, a few inches from Emmett¡¯s hip. ¡°What did you say?¡±


    ¡°Oh¡­¡± Emmett still sounded drowsy. ¡°Sorry, Lukey, c''mere, it''s okay¡­¡±


    Luke''s brain did not know what to compute first. ¡°I''m ... not?¡± he said finally.


    ¡°What?¡± Emmett, more awake now, tugged Luke toward him and kissed him apologetically. ¡°I didn''t mean to stop you.¡±


    ¡°I ain''t your boy?¡± Luke pushed against Emmett''s arms, trying to sit up.


    ¡°What? Oh, forget what I said, I was half asleep. C''mon back here.¡±


    ¡°No, wait, hold on.¡± Luke couldn''t seem to formulate a complete thought. When he pushed again Emmett released him, and he jumped over to the other side of the bed, feeling dizzy. ¡°What did you mean?¡±


    ¡°It was nothing. I was talking in my sleep.¡±


    ¡°You said I ain''t your boy.¡±


    ¡°You''re no one''s boy, Luke.¡±


    ¡°I''m yours.¡± As he said the words, Luke had never been more sure of anything in his life.


    ¡°Don''t talk crazy. You don''t know what you''re saying.¡±


    Luke squeezed his eyes shut briefly and tried to move to the next half formed thought. ¡°If you think I ain''t ¨C then who is?¡±


    Emmett laughed. ¡°No one. And you don''t want to be. Come on, just forget I said anything.¡±


    Still too many thoughts at once. ¡°I do ¨C and ¨C why wouldn''t I? And who was? When?¡±


    ¡°Look, you''re not missing anything.¡± Emmett spoke more gently now, as though recognizing Luke''s turmoil. He sat up in the bed, leaning against the headboard, and put a coaxing hand out toward Luke. ¡°It''s ¨C it''s just a thing I used to do, but it was a long time ago and it doesn''t mean anything. Okay?¡±


    ¡°Do you¡­¡± It had never occurred to Luke to wonder before, but now it was urgent to him. ¡°Do you do this with other guys?¡±


    ¡°What? No, man. Only you.¡±


    Luke took a breath. ¡°But ¨C before?¡±


    ¡°I mean, a long time ago¡­yeah.¡±


    ¡°Your boy.¡±


    ¡°It wasn''t¡­like, one particular guy.¡±


    ¡°Well, why them and not me? How come they get to be yours and I don''t?¡±


    ¡°Because that was different. It''s not what you''re thinking, it wasn''t, like, some romantic thing.¡±


    Emmett''s outstretched hand had dropped onto the bed, and he faced forward stoically, not meeting Luke''s transfixed gaze. Somehow the jumble inside Luke''s mind cleared enough for him to realize Emmett wasn''t just reluctant to talk about this; he was embarrassed. Luke felt a pang of guilt; he told himself to drop it and realized instantly that was impossible.


    ¡°Listen, Em,¡± he said, trying to corral his emotions into a coherent sentence. ¡°I don''t mean to pry, I guess you don''t like talking about this but¡­I''m sorry, I gotta know.¡±


    They sat for a few minutes, Emmett stubbornly silent and Luke still trying to process. Finally, Luke got up, turned on a lamp, and made another drink. He brought it back to the bed and offered it to Emmett, then slid back in, lifted Emmett''s arm and moved under it, leaning against his chest.


    ¡°How long ago?¡± Luke asked.


    ¡°In college.¡±


    ¡°Guys too?¡± ¡°Some. In college.¡± Luke suddenly remembered their earlier conversation. ¡°The ones that were¡­curious about you.¡±


    ¡°Yeah.¡±


    ¡°So who were they?¡±


    Emmett frowned a little, and for a moment Luke thought he wouldn''t answer. ¡°You know¡­¡± he began finally, hesitantly. ¡°There''s, like, a group of these guys in college¡­¡±


    ¡°I wouldn''t know, I never went.¡±


    ¡°Well, there was at PSU. Guys that like guys. They were friendly to me and¡­I mean, I knew what they were and it didn''t bother me. So¡­then they started making passes.¡±


    ¡°You think it was because you''re¡­¡±


    ¡°I think I was a big, exotic guy to them. There were other men who looked like me, but I was always cordial to these guys so they went after me. You know, I thought we were friends but¡­¡±


    ¡°But they only wanted one thing.¡±


    ¡°It wasn''t just that. They didn''t see me as a real person. They''d make this big show of being ¨C afraid of me, or they''d act like I was some kind of tribal god they wanted to worship¡­¡±


    In the midst of his consternation, Luke found himself suppressing a smile; he kind of knew that feeling. But Emmett wasn''t smiling.


    ¡°Only they weren''t really afraid of me. They didn''t really even like me. It was just a game they were playing, you know?¡±


    ¡°But you¡­fooled around with them?¡±


    ¡°Yeah. That''s how I learned what to do. This was long before Clarissa.¡± Emmett hesitated but Luke just waited, and eventually he went on. ¡°I guess I figured, if they were playing games with me, I could do it back. So, you know, I''d order them around, or make up these crazy rules they had to follow, whatever¡­just to kind of get back at them.¡±


    ¡°Did you hurt anyone?¡±


    ¡°No, of course not. I mean,¡± Emmett paused again, then added. ¡°Not on purpose.¡±


    ¡°How many were there?¡±


    ¡°Not that many. Five or six, over the years.¡±


    ¡°So did you¡­like it?¡±


    ¡°It was a fair trade, I guess. They got what they wanted, and I got what I wanted.¡± Emmett looked down at Luke. ¡°Listen, I''m not proud of any of this. I ¨C ¡±


    ¡°What kind of things did you make them do?¡±


    ¡°What? Oh¡­you know, dumb things. Buy me dinner, do my homework¡­¡±


    ¡°In bed. What did you make them do in bed?¡±


    In the lamplight, Luke could barely make out the dark flush spreading over Emmett''s face.


    ¡°Come on Luke,¡± Emmett said, ¡°Don''t make me¡­¡±


    ¡°Please. Tell me.¡±


    ¡°I don''t know. Not let them touch me, or not touch themselves¡­or not let them come. Or make them ask for it. Or kneel, or¡­¡±


    ¡°And you liked that.¡±


    ¡°What?¡±


    ¡°You said they got what they wanted and you got what you wanted. So I guess you liked it.¡±


    Emmett jumped out of bed, pulling his robe around him, and paced across the floor, avoiding Luke''s gaze. ¡°Look, man, it was just dumb college hijinks, it didn''t mean anything. Don''t make it out like ¨C ¡±


    ¡°It''s okay.¡± A calm had settled over Luke, as though Emmett''s increased agitation reduced his own. He got up and went over to put his hands on Emmett''s waist. ¡°I''m just tryin'' to understand. C''mon back to bed, will you?¡±


    Emmett let Luke lead him to the bed, a little reluctantly. He took off his robe and slid in as Luke turned off the light. In the dark, Luke moved beside him, hands stroking his chest.


    ¡°I was tryin'' to ask if I could take care of you, since you looked after me.¡±


    ¡°I''m not really in the mood now,¡± Emmett said.


    ¡°I feel like I got you all stressed out, least I could do is help you calm down.¡±


    ¡°You can do that better by letting me go to sleep.¡±


    ¡°If that''s what you want.¡± Luke shifted onto his other side, his back to Emmett''s chest, then reached behind to tug Emmett''s hand towards him.


    Emmett didn''t need to be told. He wrapped his arm across Luke''s back and pulled him closer. ¡°Night, El.¡±


    ¡°Night, Em.¡±

 Chapter 15

    In the morning Luke got up and dressed and talked like nothing had happened, which Emmett was grateful for. He''d never meant to talk about his past that way; it was hard to believe Luke didn''t think less of him now. But Luke didn''t allude to the previous night''s conversation or act any different at all.


    Pretty soon everything else was forgotten in the excitement of preparing for the European leg of the tour. Emmett had flown to tournaments once or twice during his college wrestling career, but Luke had never been on a plane before and seemed like a kid looking forward to it.


    Although the band was doing well now, financially, Luke didn''t want to fly over the full team and all their equipment, so adjustments had to be made. The team was reduced to bare minimum, and they all spent more time together again. It was almost like the early touring days.


    Emmett loved walking around the cities he''d heard or read about in his youth: Paris, Rome, Berlin, Amsterdam. He tried to get out every day, and the others often joined him ¨C Ray or Gordon or Leo, or Luke whenever he could get away. They were especially curious to meet European women, who were indeed different from their American counterparts in ways Emmett couldn''t exactly define, apart from their accents. Luke and Emmett were too busy investigating these differences to spend many nights with each other.


    The shows themselves went well, with very large, warm, receptive audiences. In chatting with people before and after the shows, Emmett gathered that Luke had a dedicated fanbase in most of these countries that had been waiting years for him to make the trip overseas.


    Luke got to know these new crowds by trying out different songs and stories and set lists. The European fans were especially enthusiastic about Emmett, and Luke played on their excitement with ever more over the top tributes to him during the introductions: ¡°The handsomest man you ever seen!¡± ¡°The greatest man that ever walked the earth!¡± This wasn''t completely new, and Emmett had always found it amusing, but the deep bow or drop to one knee that Luke added now, with a sly glance at Emmett, was more disconcerting.


    They spent almost two months in Europe, often playing multiple nights in the same cities, and taking a two or three day break between countries. Emmett loved almost every minute of this new experience, and the whole band seemed rejuvenated, especially Luke.


    When it was over they flew back to the States and resumed the American tour, doing another round of appearances in larger cities, and often staying in the same location for up to a week. This schedule was much less demanding, allowing the guys to relax a bit and to renew acquaintances they''d previously made in these locations.


    By now Emmett knew he wasn''t looking for a serious girlfriend. For one thing, he had no interest in being tied down again, at least not yet. Whatever emotional connection he needed he got from his kids, his family, and especially Luke. But even so, he knew appearances mattered. His mother and father, his friends and family back home, were always watching for news coverage about him. The way he arrived at events or was seen leaving a concert venue was important; ideally, it would be with an attractive woman who could pass for a girlfriend or potential girlfriend ¨C someone for his mama to ask about when he spoke to her next, and for the newspaper columnists to speculate about. Much as he enjoyed Luke''s crush and the nights they spent together, Emmett couldn''t risk any possibility of gossip damaging Luke''s career.


    He had started to grow familiar with the different types of women he met on tours ¨C ranging from young, earnest fans to professional groupies. After a few experiences in which he unwittingly caused hurt feelings or disappointment, Emmett tried to avoid girls who might have expectations of attachment or something serious, and sought out those who seemed to be looking for the same things he wanted ¨C casual entertainment and a bit of profile. Another fair trade.


    ***


    ¡°You alone?¡±


    ¡°Yep. C''mon over.¡±


    Emmett met Luke at the door, pulled him inside, and kissed his mouth while kicking the door shut behind him. They''d seen each other just a couple of hours earlier, onstage at the arena, but something in Luke''s arch glances as they played, the hand squeezes and slightly extended peck in ¡°Flaming Up¡±, had told Emmett to expect a call after the show. The band was in the middle of a four-night run in Detroit, with the end of the tour now distantly in sight.


    Luke laughed, returning the kiss, then took the bottles he was carrying over to the cabinet to mix drinks.


    ¡°Man, I thought I''d never get away from that reporter,¡± Luke said. ¡°Hope you weren''t waitin¡¯ on me.¡±


    ¡°I figured.¡±


    Emmett had already showered, and wore just his robe. He sat on the edge of the bed to wait for Luke, who, as always, had changed into fresh clothes. He understood that Luke didn''t want to be seen entering his room in pajamas or something, but it always slightly rankled him to be less dressed.


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    He accepted the drink with a nod at Luke. ¡°Clothes off, man.¡±


    Luke gave him a funny look, then said mockingly, ¡°Yes, sir,¡± and pulled off his tank top. ¡°It''s cold though, can I borrow something?¡±


    Emmett gathered him into a warm bear hug before going to find an extra bathrobe. ¡°You''re starting to fill out,¡± he said admiringly, as Luke rolled up the sleeves a few times. ¡°My clothes aren''t as big on you as they used to be.¡±


    ¡°Still long enough to trip over. Am I allowed to get on the bed now?¡±


    Luke spoke lightly but Emmett had felt a kind of tension since he arrived, and wondered what was coming. They leaned back on the bed, Luke fitting himself against Emmett''s body as he always did, and they kissed a bit between sips of their drinks.


    ¡°So what did you think tonight?¡±


    For some reason Luke always wanted Emmett''s opinion on their shows, as though his was the only opinion that mattered. Mindful of Luke''s frustration at being humoured, Emmett usually tried to be honest.


    ¡°Sound quality could have been better, even for an arena.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, I guess Ray can''t work miracles.¡±


    ¡°Gordie was on fire. I saw you try to keep Leo from speeding up at the end of ''Blue Steel''."


    ¡°He always does that.¡±


    Emmett hesitated for a moment. ¡°Listen, you know I love Eddie but¡­you ever think maybe he doesn''t suit your style?¡±


    ¡°What d''you mean?¡± Luke¡¯s fingers stopped moving on Emmett¡¯s thigh, and he twisted around to look into Emmett¡¯s face. ¡°Half my songs are built around his guitar.¡±


    ¡°I mean his singing, not the guitar.¡±


    ¡°What about his singing? His voice is okay.¡±


    ¡°It''s not that. It''s just¡­he kinda always sounds like he''s being ironic or something.¡±


    ¡°Oh yeah.¡± Luke laughed. ¡°Sure, that''s just how he is.¡±


    ¡°But the thing is¡­¡± Emmett furrowed his brow and spoke slowly, choosing his words as he went along. ¡°Your songs aren''t ironic. Your songs are so ¨C heartfelt, sincere. When you sing, it''s right from the heart.¡±


    ¡°Well¡­yeah.¡±


    ¡°So it just seems odd when I look over at Eddie and he seems kinda ¨C sarcastic. It''s almost like he''s mocking you. I know he''s not,¡± Emmett added in a rush. ¡°He loves your music like I do. It''s just¡­incongruous.¡±


    ¡°It''s what?¡±


    ¡°Incongruous.¡±


    ¡°That some kind of college word?¡±


    ¡°Out of place.¡±


    ¡°Thanks for the vocabulary lesson.¡±


    Emmett felt like he''d done his duty. If Luke didn''t want to hear any more about Eddie that was fine with him.


    ¡°Where do we go after this?¡± he asked instead.


    ¡°Buffalo, Boston, Jersey ...¡±


    ¡°Two months till we get home.¡±


    ¡°Bout that.¡± Luke shifted a little on the mattress to sit up straighter. ¡°So listen Em¡­¡±


    Here it comes, Emmett thought. He finished off his drink and waited.


    ¡°I been thinkin¡¯, and I decided I want to try it.¡±


    Emmett looked at him blankly. ¡°Try what?¡±


    ¡°Bein¡¯ your boy.¡± Luke gave his abashed chuckle, the one that always ended abruptly.


    ¡°What?¡±


    ¡°I mean, I know I am already but I wanna try it that way. The way you like it.¡±


    ¡°Forget it, Luke.¡± Emmett couldn''t keep the anger out of his voice. Was Luke mocking him? He set his glass down and started to pull away but Luke put a hand on his thigh.


    ¡°Hold on, hear me out Em. You think I''m¡­making fun of you? I ain''t. You think I been able to focus on anything else these last two months?¡±


    He meant it, Emmett could see. ¡°But I told you, I¡­¡±


    ¡°I know, you didn''t like it with those other guys. But those guys were assholes. It''ll be different with me.¡±


    ¡°Why do you think that?¡±


    ¡°Because you love me. And vice versa.¡±


    ¡°So why would we¡­treat each other like that?¡±


    ¡°Em. You love bein¡¯ the boss of me. Don''t you hear yourself?¡±


    Emmett laughed despite the tension, and though he wanted to defend himself, he couldn''t deny it. They had developed a kind of dynamic that often put him in charge, and he did kind of feel comfortable with it. ¡°I thought you didn''t mind that.¡±


    ¡°If I minded you woulda heard about it.¡±


    ¡°That''s just for fun, though, it doesn''t mean I want it that way. You don''t have to go along with it.¡±


    ¡°I know I don''t have to. I want to.¡±


    ¡°But why? What do you get out of it?¡±


    Luke raised an eyebrow and gave Emmett a half-sheepish grin. ¡°I don''t know, exactly, I just know I want to try.¡±


    Emmett hesitated, torn once again between his duty to protect and Luke''s obvious desire. He understood that, in some way, Luke was also offering him a chance to take his past experience, an uncomfortable memory, and transform it into something better.


    He stalled. ¡°Why do you say those other guys were assholes? You didn''t know them.¡±


    ¡°Because they used you. They had a chance to be your friend and they threw it away.¡±


    As Emmett continued to hover indecisively, Luke reached over, squeezed his hand, and looked him full in the face. ¡°Let''s try it one time, Em. If you don''t like it, I swear I''ll never bring it up again.¡±


    Surely this was just more curiosity. Maybe they should try it, so Luke could see that crawling around on the floor was less fun than he thought. Not that humouring his curiosity had ever stopped him before. ¡°What¡­did you have in mind, exactly?¡± Emmett asked finally.


    A gleam sparked in Luke''s eye instantly. ¡°I was thinkin¡¯ you could give me some of them rules like you gave those other boys.¡±


    ¡°Oh no.¡± Emmett shook his head with conviction. ¡°I''m not doing that.¡± He remembered too clearly some of the disasters he''d been part of in his college days. ¡°If we try this, you''ll have to decide for yourself what you want to do.¡±


    Luke looked taken aback. ¡°Don''t that kinda defeat the purpose?¡±


    ¡°I''m not going to make rules for you when I don''t know what you can handle.¡±


    ¡°But I don''t know either. How''m I supposed to¡­¡±


    ¡°You''re gonna have to figure that out,¡± Emmett said firmly, ¡°if you want to do this.¡±


    Luke was silent for a moment, frowning. ¡°Okay. But¡­maybe you''ll make the rules later?¡±


    Emmett elbowed Luke. ¡°If there''s a later. You said we''re only trying this once.¡±


    ¡°Unless we like it, man.¡±


    Somehow it seemed to have been settled. As usual, Emmett had the slightly off-kilter feeling of being several steps behind Luke and trying to catch up.


    ¡°So¡­uh¡­what do I do?¡± Luke, having got his way, now looked a bit awkward.


    ¡°You want to start now?¡± Emmett saw Luke''s hesitation and made the decision himself. ¡°Another time. When you''re ready you can let me know.¡±


    Luke nodded. ¡°Okay.¡± He moved into Emmett''s arms. ¡°For tonight I''ll just be your usual smart-ass boy.¡±


    ¡°Aw, my favorite.¡±

 Chapter 16

    For the next week or two nothing happened, and Emmett almost might have been able to convince himself Luke''s idea had been abandoned. But he''d underestimated Luke too many times before to do it again. The other shoe would drop eventually.


    There were no late-night visits or phone calls during that time. Emmett thought about initiating something himself, if only to show they could just continue on as before if they wanted, but he noticed a change in Luke that made him think twice. At first Luke seemed as friendly and comfortable as ever, just focused on work and planning for the end of the tour. Gradually, though, he grew quieter and more withdrawn; a sure sign he was steeling himself up for some kind of intense pressure. Emmett knew what it meant, and left things alone. Luke could take whatever time he needed to sort out his choices.


    They moved on from Detroit to Buffalo and then to Boston, arriving the night before the start of a four-show stint there. Emmett had dinner with some of the crew and then, as usual on the first night in a new city, went up to his hotel room alone.


    Luke called soon after he got in, barely masking the tension in his voice. ¡°So¡­you got company?¡±


    Emmett understood. ¡°No. You can come by whenever you''re ready.¡±


    So this was going to be the big night. He waited beside the door, wondering again if he should try to put a stop to it. But when had he ever prevented Luke from doing what he was set on?


    There was a soft pad of footsteps outside on the carpeted hall floor, and a quick tap on his door. Emmett opened it and stepped back, taking in Luke''s expression ¨C serious, but smiling.


    Luke shut the door behind him carefully. ¡°Hey, Em.¡± He leaned up to peck Emmett''s cheek. ¡°I know it''s a bit early.¡±


    ¡°That''s okay.¡± Emmett wrapped both arms around Luke''s shoulders and squeezed briefly, then let go and waited, watching him. Luke gave a little grin ¨C half wry, half winning ¨C that Emmett recognized as his defense against vulnerability; a way of saying that he trusted he was too charming to want to hurt. He used to give new audiences the same look, at the start of their earliest shows.


    ¡°So can we¡­do this?¡± Luke said, in a bit of a rush.


    ¡°If you''re sure.¡±


    ¡°I''m sure.¡± Luke kicked off his shoes, revealing bare feet, and took an uncertain step back against the wall beside the door. ¡°But how do we start? Should I, like¡­kneel?¡± A half-laugh, quickly aborted. ¡°Do I call you sir or something¡­?¡±


    ¡°It''s up to you.¡± Emmett paused for a second, then resolved. ¡°I''m going to get ready for bed.¡± He forced himself to walk away, into the bathroom. This would be the hardest part for Luke; he needed time to adjust, to get himself into the groove of what he was doing. Some of those boys in college had been so cavalier, flippant even, when they started out, and then fallen apart when reality hit them. Emmett had learned to give them time.


    He took off his clothes and got into the shower. If Luke lost it, the way those boys had, he''d shut the whole thing down, no matter what. But would he have to? Luke had always been a risk-taker; he pushed himself through whatever was necessary to get what he wanted. He''d get through this one way or another. And Emmett would too, even if he wasn''t exactly looking forward to it.


    He got out of the shower, dried off, and pulled on his long silk robe, tying it slowly, trying to shake off the feeling of dread. When there was nothing left to do, he opened the bathroom door and started to walk out, then halted abruptly. Luke had undressed completely and was kneeling against the wall beside the door, where Emmett had left him.


    It took Emmett a moment to adjust to the sight. He thought about how long he''d been in the shower and was grateful for the coarse hotel carpeting that might have made Luke''s wait slightly more comfortable. At least he seemed calmer now, holding himself still, his head bowed; he didn''t look up even when Emmett approached him. Emmett brushed the back of his hand against Luke''s cheek. ¡°Good job, Lukey.¡±


    Luke smiled slightly without lifting his head. ¡°You never like it when I''m dressed and you''re not, so I figured this is the way to start.¡±


    ¡°It is.¡± Emmett moved away. He went over to the thermostat and turned up the heat a bit, then switched off the overhead light, leaving just a bedside lamp on. Luke hadn''t brought a bottle with him this time, so Emmett took a beer out of the bar fridge and opened it as he went to sit on the edge of the bed. He took a gulp, set the bottle on the night table, spread his legs slightly under the robe, and waited for Luke to look up.


    ¡°Come here.¡±


    He tried to modulate his voice, aiming for a balance between reassurance and the authoritativeness that would help Luke obey without thinking too much. It seemed to work at first, as Luke started to rise instinctively; then he stopped and stayed frozen for a long moment. Emmett didn''t understand the hesitation until, slowly, Luke lowered himself again, leaned forward to brace his hands on the carpet, and finally crawled across the floor toward the bed.


    Emmett, momentarily horrified, opened his mouth to protest. This was not what he''d expected. Luke''s naked body, the bare, pale skin ¨C in a dressing room or in bed or loping across the room to make a drink, yes, that he was used to. This moment of raw exposure, the seemingly deliberate abasement ¨C no. Surely there was something wrong with this. And yet he couldn''t stop staring.


    When Luke reached the bed, he looked up, a small smirk camouflaging the tension in his face, and sat back on his haunches. Emmett''s shock subsided, replaced with a wave of awe and pride at Luke''s composure; suddenly he was less worried and more excited to continue. He reached down to run reassuring fingers through Luke¡¯s hair.


    ¡°You''re doing so well.¡± He almost spoke in his normal voice but remembered at the last minute to pitch it at a slightly more imperious level. Luke wasn''t looking for a friend tonight.


    Luke''s whole body uncoiled slightly at his touch and words. Emmett, still on the edge of the bed, leaned back again and gave him a moment, then very deliberately extended his hand, the one with his college ring on one finger. This was something he''d often done with his ¡®boys¡¯ as a slightly taunting gesture, to force a mark of submission that they generally resented. But with Luke it was more of a suggestion, an offering that might meet his needs.


    It took Luke a moment to understand. He shot Emmett a puzzled glance, brows knit in confusion, but Emmett just waited, and Luke soon figured it out. He took Emmett''s hand in both of his, raised it and kissed the ring, then lowered his eyelids and pressed his lips against each finger separately, and finally against the back of Emmett''s hand. Before Emmett could move his hand away, Luke opened his eyes and did something else none of the others had done; he turned Emmett''s hand over and bent down to kiss the palm ¨C once, and again. Then, with a slight tilt of his head, he rested his cheek in the curve of Emmett''s palm, and smiled up at him.


    It was impossible not to be moved. Though Emmett''s tears didn''t come easily, as Luke''s did, his vision blurred slightly. For the first time he could almost grasp why Luke wanted this so much. In that moment, he wanted it as well.


    When the evening first started, he''d had some vague, half-formed plan of bringing Luke over to sit at his feet, expecting Luke would ask for permission to go down; he''d agree, Luke would proceed, and the whole thing would end there. That had seemed like a fair experiment, a chance to fulfill his agreement painlessly and move on.


    Now that plan was abruptly forgotten. He was hard already, under his robe ¨C which was kind of funny, since he''d worried earlier that he wouldn''t be able to get it up at all tonight. But he wasn''t so sure that he wanted to move things along quickly; he wondered instead if he could make the experience last.


    He pulled his hand away and stood up, reaching back to pull the bed covers down. ¡°Come here,¡± he ordered, forgetting to monitor his voice, but the words came out in a guttural growl anyway.


    Luke looked a bit worried, like he was afraid he''d done something wrong, but obeyed, getting to his feet and following Emmett onto the bed. As Emmett disrobed, Luke propped himself against the headboard, leaving a bit of distance between them.


    ¡°Pass the beer,¡± Emmett ordered. He didn''t usually bark commands at Luke, but tonight it seemed like an easy way to keep the dynamic going, and Luke showed no objection. ¡°Thirsty?¡±


    When Luke shook his head, Emmett took a gulp and tried to collect himself. It was tempting to take charge and tell Luke exactly what he wanted ¨C Luke was right; it did come naturally to him ¨C but he reminded himself that Luke was setting the agenda tonight. Neither of them knew where his limits were yet.


    Looking down, he saw the anxiety on Luke''s face again, and felt a sudden pang. ¡°No, man, it''s all good. I¡¯m loving it.¡± He offered the beer again. ¡°C''mon, take a drink. Catch your breath.¡±


    This time Luke accepted the bottle, giving him a small sheepish smile. ¡°Thanks, Em. You''re bein¡¯ so nice.¡±


    ¡°Aren''t I always nice?¡±


    Luke looked less tense now but still keyed up, which was understandable. Emmett studied him as he drank. In the six or seven years they''d known each other Luke''s face had lost its pretty boyishness; he was 30 now, and the years of hard work, authority, and pressure showed in the lines around his eyes and mouth, his fuller chin and slightly crooked nose. But even so, in moments like this his eyes held a youthful sweetness that recalled those early days


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    Emmett took the bottle back, set it on the nightstand, and faced Luke. ¡°Okay.¡± He dropped his voice so it was somewhere between soothing and commanding. ¡°Now I need to know what you want to happen next.¡±


    Luke turned toward Emmett but left the unbridged gap between their bodies. ¡°Please¡­can I kiss you, Em?¡± he asked, half-laughing at himself.


    ¡°Yes.¡±


    ¡°Can I¡­I mean, am I allowed to touch you?¡±


    ¡°Touch me how?¡±


    ¡°Like, hold you while we kiss?¡±


    ¡°Okay.¡±


    Emmett waited while Luke reached up to his face and kissed his mouth tentatively. The gesture was so natural by now that Emmett almost smiled at Luke''s hesitation, but he understood things felt different tonight. He read something of Luke''s mood in the light, cautious brush of his lips, and waited a moment or two before taking over. Reaching up, he grasped Luke''s hands and pinned them against the wall, then leaned over and crushed his mouth against Luke''s. A faint, strangled noise came from Luke, somewhere between a yelp of surprise and a laugh, and he parted his lips under Emmett''s as though to give him better access. Emmett held the kiss as long as he could, pressing Luke back against the headboard to keep him in place, not that he seemed to want to go anywhere. When he finally broke for a breath, he felt Luke''s fingers curl around his own, until, rather than being pinned, Luke seemed to be clutching him, pulling him back.


    ¡°Em!¡± Luke whispered.


    ¡°I''m here.¡±


    ¡°Em, would you¡­fuck me?¡±


    Emmett almost fell on top of Luke''s body. ¡°What? No.¡±


    ¡°Please?¡±


    ¡°Luke, no.¡± Emmett turned away to lean back against the headboard, disconcerted, a jumble of uncomfortable memories in his head. In all the time he and Luke had been messing around, this had never been discussed. ¡°Listen, man, we can¡­maybe talk about it another time if you want, but it''s not up for negotiation tonight.¡± He glanced over at Luke, who looked more embarrassed than disappointed. ¡°Sorry if that ruins your plans.¡±


    ¡°It don''t.¡± Luke leaned up to kiss Emmett again, the same tentative touch of lips on lips. ¡°Forget I said anything. Would you kiss me again like you did before?¡±


    Relieved, Emmett put the discomfort out of his mind and turned back. He put his hands on Luke''s arms and pulled him downward, so they were both flat on the bed. When Luke reached up for him, Emmett intercepted the movement, gathering both of Luke''s hands in one of his own and pulling them over Luke''s head, onto the pillow behind him. Emmett couldn¡¯t lay directly on top of Luke ¨C his extra seventy or eighty pounds would be crushing ¨C but he leaned over Luke''s chest to immobilize him further, and to easily reach his mouth. Luke stilled obediently and looked up, lips parted in anticipation, until Emmett dropped his head and took Luke''s mouth in another long, forceful kiss.


    After a few minutes Luke slipped his tongue between his parted lips, which Emmett took as an invitation to add his own ¨C another thing they hadn''t done much of in their make-out sessions to date. French kissing felt more like what Emmett would do with a girl; it hadn''t occurred to him to do it with Luke. Now he found he liked using his tongue to take further control of Luke''s mouth, although it wasn''t strictly necessary since Luke put up no resistance.


    When Emmett pulled his head back slightly, he could see Luke''s eyes were closed and crinkled at the corners; when he nudged Luke''s legs apart with his knee he could feel the growing hardness there. Whatever he might have felt earlier, Luke was obviously enjoying himself now. Maybe none of this should have surprised Emmett ¨C hadn''t it always been there somewhere, in Luke''s hints of deference and his fascination with Emmett''s size and strength?


    They shifted positions occasionally so Emmett could hold Luke down in a different way, or check quickly for any signs of discomfort. At one point he considered binding Luke''s hands to the headboard, as one of his ¡®boys¡¯ used to request. But off-hand he could only think of his robe belt to use as a tie, which wasn''t the safest; and in any case Luke didn''t ask. Whenever Emmett paused for breath, Luke chased after his mouth or whispered a breathless plea to continue, though Emmett didn''t need much encouragement. It was only much later, as they lay on their sides, Luke''s hands still immobilized in one of Emmett''s, mouths still pressed together, and grinding now fully aroused cocks against each other, that it occurred to Emmett they were reaching the point of no return. He pushed Luke onto his back and straddled him, keeping his own weight on his knees but pressing his dick against Luke''s, and looked down warningly.


    ¡°Em, Em¡­¡± Luke gasped, trying to lift his hands from where Emmett had them pressed into the bed. ¡°Wait!¡±


    ¡°I''m too close ¨C¡±


    ¡°If you wanna get off now ¨C please ¨C let me do it, let me go down or, or ¨C but I don''t wanna finish yet, do you?¡±


    Emmett stopped moving. ¡°I don''t mind waiting but we''ll have to slow down¡­¡±


    ¡°Lemme up, Em ¨C please, please¡­¡± Luke twisted again. ¡°If you let me I can ¡­¡±


    Emmett had almost forgotten his grip on Luke''s hands. He let go and rolled over to lie on his back, his cock throbbing uncomfortably on his stomach. Released, Luke sat up and pushed the tangled bedding down to the end of the bed. The cool air helped, but the sight of Luke''s swollen lips and heavy-lidded eyes did not.


    Tearing his gaze away, Emmett reached for the beer bottle. ¡°Go turn the thermostat down,¡± he ordered, mostly as a distraction. He sat up, finishing the drink, and watched Luke''s slim but now muscular legs and ass as he crossed the room. When he got back to the bed, Luke lifted Emmett''s arm to slip under it, and buried his face against Emmett''s shoulder. Emmett reached up to stroke his hair, then gently tugged his head back to study his face. ¡°Doing okay, Luke?¡±


    Luke looked up at him with a half-embarrassed smile, like his secret had been exposed; which, perhaps, it had been. ¡°More''n okay, thank you.¡±


    Emmett bent to plant a brief kiss on the top of Luke¡¯s head, and wondered what came next. They were both about half-mast now; with a little restraint he''d be able to hold out a while longer.


    ¡°Em?¡±


    ¡°Yep.¡±


    ¡°You¡­okay to keep going?¡±


    ¡°Sure.¡± Emmett took a moment to modulate his voice again. He wanted to help Luke get back into the zone, but not too abruptly, so he aimed for sonorous and only slightly peremptory. ¡°But you need to tell me what you want, boy.¡± With an arm still around Luke, Emmett could feel his quick shiver.


    ¡°Could I¡­uh.¡± Luke paused, looking up at Emmett with his familiar abashed grin. ¡°Can I have permission to, like, touch you?¡±


    ¡°You''re already touching me.¡± Emmett tried to look stern. ¡°What do you have in mind?¡±


    ¡°I mean, like¡­everywhere? Can I touch you anywhere I want? Please?¡±


    ¡°I thought you didn''t want to get off yet.¡±


    ¡°I don''t. I just want to touch you, is that okay?¡±


    Emmett didn''t exactly understand. ¡°I guess so.¡±


    They faced each other, Emmett unsure what to do next. After a moment Luke gave him a gentle nudge, coaxing him down onto the bed. Emmett obliged, stretching out on his back and watching Luke curiously.


    ¡°Relax, darlin¡¯,¡± Luke said with a small laugh, responding to Emmett''s uncertainty. He pulled the bedsheet up to cover them both loosely before settling himself on his side next to Emmett, propped up on one arm. Still puzzled, Emmett looked over and Luke met his gaze with a smile ¨C not embarrassed or sheepish this time, but warm, deep, and slightly grateful, as though recognizing Emmett''s confusion and thanking him for his trust.


    ¡°Okay if I turn off the light now?¡± When Emmett nodded, Luke turned away to switch off the bedside lamp, then bent down toward Emmett, his face growing still and soft. Emmett shut his eyes and felt the brush of lips on his own, lingering for a moment or two. He resisted the urge to kiss back, telling himself to wait and see what came next. The light touch moved away and returned on his forehead, a feathery dusting of faint kisses that moved along his hairline to his temples and down slowly, onto his eyebrows and gently on his eyelids, then his nose, his cheeks, the sides of his face, his ears. Luke was covering his entire face with kisses so light they were almost like breaths.


    With a small movement, Luke rolled on top of him, easily fitting his body over Emmett''s broad frame, and took Emmett''s head in his hands. Instinctively, Emmett wrapped his arms around Luke''s back and held him as the tiny kisses continued ¨C along his jaw, back to his mouth, down to his chin, and then lower, grazing his throat and neck from different angles.


    The sensation was unfamiliar but soothing, especially after all the earlier tension. Emmett¡¯s skin felt warm and tingled a little where Luke touched it, but he wasn''t worried about getting overly aroused again yet. After a few moments at his throat, Luke moved down to reach new places on Emmett''s body ¨C his clavicles and breastbone and shoulders. The gossamer touch changed slightly, alternating between soft kisses and light caresses, faint nips and licks. Every now and then Emmett would open his eyes, and sometimes he''d catch Luke in a quick upward glance, as though checking in on him.


    Of course they''d kissed each other many times in many places during their previous nights together, but this was unlike anything they¡¯d done previously. This felt like a lover''s touch, like something Emmett might have done with Clarissa ¨C although, now that he thought of it, Emmett didn''t think he''d ever been this doting with her.


    Luke moved over to one of his arms, working his way down from the shoulder to the biceps, sliding his hands partly under Emmett''s back. Emmett''s eyes were open now, focused on Luke''s movements. What was it that made this so different from everything they''d done before?


    They''d always been casually physical with each other, day or night, their hugs and squeezes and protective embraces reflecting mutual affection and support. Emmett had thought of their make-out sessions as primarily practical ¨C to satisfy curiosity, reduce stress, help each other sleep. What Luke was doing now felt more emotional than physical, like he wanted to convey something specific through his touch ¨C to make something clear, convincing, irrefutable. In truth, Emmett was pretty sure he understood the message, even if he wasn''t sure he wanted to admit it.


    Luke reached Emmett''s hand and kissed the back of it, then the fingers. He shot Emmett a sly glance, turned it over and brushed his lips against the palm again, slow and caressing. He had moved down in the bed and knelt now, between Emmett''s thighs, bending over to reach whatever part of Emmett''s body he was targeting. Emmett couldn''t reach to wrap his arms around Luke''s back anymore, stroking his thighs instead. He wished Luke would lie on top of him again.


    Luke''s weight was never too much for him, never a burden, never more than he was happy to carry. But sometimes he worried that Luke wanted too much. Not more than Emmett was willing to give, but more than the world would let him have. So far Luke had always managed to get what he wanted, but wasn¡¯t there a point where the world would win?


    Luke finished with Emmett''s first arm and moved over to the other, nuzzling against his bicep and taking care to cover every inch of it. Emmett smiled a bit and let his worries wander away. Not all of this extended homage was so pure; some of it was surely carnal. Luke made that clearer when he switched back to Emmett''s chest, took one nipple in his mouth and sucked lightly ¨C not a new move, and he knew how Emmett reacted to it. After a few moments he switched back to Emmett''s chest, moving to his pectoral muscles, the V between his ribs, his stomach. As Luke worked down toward his hips, Emmett felt his by now aroused cock grow harder, and he gripped Luke''s arms tensely in warning. Luke, smiling, circumvented his groin and continued down Emmett''s thigh, a little faster now ¨C knee, shin, foot; then over to the other foot and back up, pressing his mouth more urgently against Emmett''s skin, until he reached the place where thigh met hip. This time Emmett''s arousal would not be stopped, and by the time Luke finished Emmett was rigid with pent-up need.


    ¡°Luke ¨C ¡±


    Luke leaned up, hands gripping Emmett''s hips, and spoke in a rush. ¡°Can I taste you ¨C please?¡±


    ¡°You better.¡± Emmett seized Luke''s head as he got to work, taking Emmett in his mouth and moving up and down in long, rapid strokes, an expert by now. But Emmett hardly needed help tonight, climaxing within minutes in a series of forceful bursts that shot down Luke''s throat almost too quickly for him to keep up with.


    ¡°Oh no, Luke ¨C did I ¨C ¡±


    Sputtering and laughing, Luke wiped his mouth and rolled over on his back to catch his breath. ¡°No, it''s fine ¨C I''m good.¡±


    Emmett lay still, too spent to move, but he reached out languidly to Luke, who understood and moved up to stretch beside him, tugging the covers over them both.


    ¡°Thank you,¡± Luke whispered, backing himself up against Emmett''s chest.


    Emmett had just enough energy to pull Luke into his arm and kiss the back of his neck before falling asleep.

 Chapter 17

    In the morning Luke woke up suffused with a sense of well-being before he remembered why. When he stirred and brushed his arm against Emmett''s thigh, the general contentment was instantly replaced with a surge of pride mixed with the giddiness that always came with completing a challenge and shedding a load of pressure. Oh yes, he''d done it.


    He looked up, smiling, and saw that Emmett was sitting upright in bed, wearing his robe and his glasses, drinking coffee and reading a newspaper. That struck him as funny, but also unusual since Emmett almost always woke up earlier than Luke and didn''t usually wait around for him.


    ¡°Hey, Em¡­¡±


    Emmett glanced down, putting the paper aside. ¡°You''re awake.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, what time is it? You waiting for me today?¡±


    ¡°It''s around nine. I wanted to let you sleep.¡±


    ¡°Oh thanks, man.¡± Luke stretched, shifted onto his back, and propped his head against Emmett''s thigh. ¡°Guess I needed that.¡±


    ¡°Breakfast is here but I just left it covered, should still be hot. Want some coffee?¡±


    ¡°Sure. I''ll get it.¡±


    ¡°Naw, stay there. I''ll bring everything over if you''re ready.¡±


    ¡°Not yet.¡± Luke sat up, not sure he wanted to move on to something as prosaic as breakfast just yet. He felt like he did after a particularly exhilarating show, when he wanted to stay up all night and hash over the best moments with the rest of the band. He leaned his head against Emmett''s shoulder and looked up with what he hoped was a winsome smile.


    Emmett obviously knew what he wanted. He pulled Luke closer and bent down to kiss him. When Luke drew back, Emmett was looking at him indulgently, like a proud parent who doesn''t quite understand their child''s achievement.


    ¡°You must feel¡­relieved,¡± Emmett suggested, like he was guessing.


    ¡°Damn right.¡±


    Emmett laughed. ¡°You did great last night. I''m the one that fucked up again, falling asleep before you got your turn. Want me to go down now?¡± He started to push the covers aside to check Luke''s state of arousal, but Luke put a hand out to stop him.


    ¡°Not right now, thanks.¡±


    ¡°I owe you one.¡±


    ¡°You don''t owe me nothin¡¯.¡±


    ¡°Maybe later.¡±


    ¡°I''m just glad I didn''t put you to sleep with all that¡­¡± Luke made a kind of face. ¡°¡­Lovey dovey stuff. You were so patient with me.¡±


    ¡°It was very sweet and relaxing¡­but I was way too worked up to fall asleep.¡± Emmett slid out of bed and went over to the table where a coffee pot and breakfast tray waited. He refilled his coffee cup, poured out another, and brought them both back to bed. As he handed one mug to Luke, his face softened. ¡°You were very brave, Luke.¡±


    ¡°Thanks.¡± Luke accepted the coffee and the compliment, still thinking about the night before. He remembered the rough texture of the carpet on his bare knees and how long the trip across the hotel room floor had seemed. That might have been the hardest thing he''d ever done in his life. ¡°It was a bit scary sometimes. But you were real nice.¡± He elbowed Emmett with a little grin. ¡°When you weren''t ordering me around.¡±


    ¡°Just trying to¡­stay in character.¡±


    ¡°Next time you can stay in character by making rules for me. The hard part was ¨C ¡±


    ¡°Next time?¡±


    Luke looked at him, mouth still open in confusion.


    ¡°You want a next time?¡± Emmett said.


    ¡°You don''t?¡±


    They stared at each other, stunned into momentary silence. Luke could hardly believe what he''d heard. Had he somehow misread everything? No ¨C that was impossible. ¡°But you liked it as much as I did!¡±


    Emmett seemed equally bewildered. ¡°Sure it was fun last night, but now that you''ve done it why would you want to do it again?¡±


    ¡°Why wouldn''t I? Why wouldn''t you? Em ¨C you admit you liked it.¡±


    ¡°Just because we liked it, doesn''t mean¡­¡±


    ¡°Doesn''t mean what?¡±


    ¡°Well, that¡­it''s good for you.¡±


    ¡°You''re worried about me?¡±


    ¡°I always worry about you, man. Anyway, didn''t we have a deal? If I did it once you wouldn''t ask me again.¡±


    ¡°If you didn''t like it ¨C but you did. You do.¡± Luke jumped out of bed and paced around the room in frustration. Every time he thought he got somewhere ¨C made things clear, got them both on the same page ¨C something went wrong. Last night he''d been so sure; he''d dared to believe Emmett was onboard. Now that progress seemed to be slipping away. Sometimes he thought Emmett just didn''t want to hear what he was saying.


    He turned at the hotel room door and looked back to the bed, where Emmett sat watching him with troubled eyes. As always, Luke''s stomach clenched a little at the sight. He remembered the night before; Emmett waiting for him on the edge of the bed ¨C powerful, imperious, and yet somehow filling Luke with the courage and security he needed to start that most difficult of journeys. Emmett always gave him the strength to go on. Of course he wasn''t resisting Luke on purpose. If he didn''t hear Luke, it was only because he didn''t yet have quite enough faith. But that was okay; Luke had enough for two.


    When Luke crossed back toward him, Emmett shifted over to the edge of the bed as though unconsciously recreating the previous night''s scene. Maybe Luke was too, because he found himself dropping to his knees and taking Emmett''s hands in his.


    ¡°Look, Em¡­¡± he began, taking a breath. ¡°This is real important. Because I will keep my promise. If you really don''t want to do this you can just say so and I''ll never raise it again. You know I love you and I always will, however you want, whatever way you want. But if you''re thinkin¡¯ we should stop for my sake, because you don''t think it''s good for me, you''re makin¡¯ a mistake. I loved what we did last night and I want to keep doing it. It ain''t wrong, it might be the greatest thing you could ever do for me. But ¨C ¡± He broke off with his usual sheepish chuckle. ¡°I mean, no pressure.¡±


    As always, Emmett could not withstand Luke at his most persuasive. ¡°If it means that much to you, we can talk about it. But I ¨C I don''t get it.¡±


    ¡°You can''t tell me you don''t like bein¡¯ in charge, Em.¡±


    ¡°Sure, but so do you. You love running the band and the business and¡­¡±


    ¡°Oh, I''m still gonna be in control of all that. Music, work, the band, business, that''s gotta be my job. I just want you to be in charge of everything else.¡±


    ¡°You mean, like, in bed, or¡­everywhere?¡±


    ¡°Everywhere.¡±


    ¡°But why? Why do you want someone else to control your life?¡±


    ¡°Not someone else, man, you. Because I''m your boy. Because I know you''ll help me hold things together and you''ll keep me in line when I go too far.¡±


    ¡°That doesn''t explain ¨C ¡±


    ¡°Listen. Right now I''m in charge of a lot. You seen me. The bigger we get, the more power I get¡­it ain''t always pretty. And it''s just gonna get worse if we really take off.¡± Luke sat back on his haunches but didn''t let go of Emmett''s hand or take his eyes off Emmett''s face. ¡°I''m not always the man I want to be. But you make me feel like I could be.¡±


    ¡°So I ¨C I''d kinda be sharing the burden with you.¡±


    ¡°Well¡­yeah.¡±


    Emmett still looked uneasy, but he leaned down to take Luke''s face in his hands. ¡°I want to look after you however I can.¡±


    As always, the touch and the words flooded Luke with a sense of solace. He reached up to put his hands on top of Emmett''s. ¡°Does that mean we can keep doing it?¡±


    ¡°You''re doing it right now, man.¡±


    They both laughed as Emmett stood up, hauled Luke to his feet, and wrapped him in his arms. After they kissed, and Luke blinked away the nascent flood, Emmett picked Luke up and deposited him on the bed.


    ¡°Breakfast,¡± Emmett announced. ¡°Before it gets cold.¡±


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    ¡°Sure. But let me¡­¡±


    ¡°No. Sit still. You say I''m in charge, right?¡± Emmett stood beside the bed, looming over Luke with mock menace.


    ¡°Uh¡­¡±


    ¡°Things are gonna be different around here. Starting with you eating a good meal when I tell you to. And maybe you''ll get that blow job after all.¡±


    ¡°Jeeze, you don''t waste any time.¡± Luke settled back against the headboard, then seized Emmett''s hand as he started to walk away. ¡°Hey, Em, hold up. One more thing.¡±


    Emmett paused and waited, watching Luke.


    ¡°I really wanna be sure you know this. You and me, we ain''t just friends.¡±


    Emmett laughed aloud and dropped a kiss on top of Luke''s head. ¡°I know that. I think I''ve known for a while, but I knew for sure after last night.¡±


    ¡°It''s okay with you?¡±


    ¡°Yep. It''s more than okay with me.¡±


    ***


    For the rest of the tour, Luke was as happy as he''d ever been. Once more, he''d taken a huge risk and, once more, it had paid off. At long last, he and Emmett were fully in sync; he had everything he wanted, with no need for caution, no need to hold himself back.


    Maybe the best part was being able to spend as much time as he pleased with Emmett without feeling like he had to ration out his calls or visits or suggestions to hang out. In reality, both of them were busy most days in different ways ¨C Luke with media promotion, tour logistics, and, increasingly, accountants and finance managers; Emmett with his side projects, his family, his workouts, training, instruments. But Luke loved their new practice of getting together at the end of the day to compare notes and make plans, if the evening was free. Mornings when they didn''t wake up together, he''d call or meet Emmett first thing to check in, find out when they could meet ¨C for lunch or dinner or at the end of the day ¨C and ask for any instructions Emmett might choose to give him.


    Emmett warmed to their new arrangement quickly. It wasn''t even that new, Luke often thought; he''d been letting Emmett lead for so long that Emmett had already kind of assumed that role, if perhaps subconsciously. Now that it was more open, Emmett seemed to relish thinking of new ways to take advantage of it.


    At first he only targeted Luke''s well-being; making little decrees that required Luke to eat balanced meals, rest more, and generally take better care of himself. Luke had expected this, and if he rolled his eyes internally at some of it, he still obeyed cheerfully, hoping for something more entertaining as Emmett''s comfort grew. He didn''t mind at all when Emmett stepped up the workouts he had to follow, developing a whole new routine and schedule for him that required almost daily visits to the gym. Luke liked working out but hadn''t always made enough time for it in the past; now he couldn''t wait to see the results.


    Soon Emmett started taking Luke out clothes shopping. ¡°Dress well to be treated well,¡± he''d say, and Luke recognized his mama''s voice. Emmett had a good eye for style and didn''t want to completely change Luke''s look, just give him a few sharper edges. Shopping with him was eye-opening for Luke, who¡¯d never thought much about clothes and still wore the same faded jeans and sleeveless tanks he''d probably been wearing when they met. He had no objection to the black satin vest or lace-up waistcoat that Emmett picked out for him, and only a small protest about the button up shirts Emmett wanted him to wear underneath. It had never occurred to Luke to visit a tailor in his life, so Emmett took him to his own, where Luke waited quietly while he was fitted for new, more up to date jeans and formal trousers, which Emmett said he needed for media events. In a few cases, when Emmett suggested items that really didn''t work for him, Luke quietly asked to be allowed to pass, and Emmett never insisted over his objections.


    By the time Luke''s new wardrobe was sorted out, Emmett had fully adapted to his role. He was too kind by nature for capriciousness or cruelty, but he amused himself by setting small tasks and requirements for Luke and especially enjoyed being waited on and generally idolized. That suited Luke well, since he got plenty of adulation himself from his fans and preferred to offer it up to Emmett. It was almost a relief to stop trying to tone down his two most instinctive responses to Emmett ¨C admiration and deference.


    Navigation between the work world, which Luke ruled, and the rest of their lives, in which Emmett was king, turned out to be surprisingly easy. Emmett had always been an ideal band member ¨C receptive to instruction and eager to learn, never resentful or defensive. None of that changed; he slipped into and out of his role as employee easily and comfortably. For his part, Luke had always regretted his moments as band leader when passion or frustration led to harsh words or acrimony; Emmett inspired him to keep his temper in check, even in his worst moments.


    Neither of them made much of an effort to hide their intimacy from the band and crew. Luke had never cared if people noticed his physical closeness with Emmett, or saw them walk in for breakfast together. Janie had regular access to Luke''s hotel room so she presumably noticed the many nights he wasn''t in it. Luke assumed his relationship with Emmett was an open secret within the organization, but he trusted the people around him not to speak publicly ¨C if not out of loyalty to him, then out of fear for their jobs. Everyone in Luke''s operation knew how he felt about trust, and no one had any doubts about what betrayal would mean.


    They were more careful not to reveal the new dimension of their relationship. Emmett, especially, was meticulous about maintaining boundaries in public. Luke learned to defer to him unobtrusively in group situations; when someone made a suggestion or asked about plans, he resisted the urge to shoot Emmett a questioning glance and simply kept quiet until Emmett made his preference known. When anything complicated came up, they discussed, consulted, and resolved in private.


    At Emmett''s suggestion, they agreed to continue seeing women casually, so as not to raise public curiosity. They both made an effort to show up for parties or media events with a date, and Emmett continued to bring the occasional woman back with him to the hotel, which he said was to ensure no rumours got started about their preferences. Luke didn''t mind the odd night in his own hotel room; he spent most of them in Emmett''s.


    Best of all were the nights after the band played a concert. The shows themselves didn''t change much, since Luke had always thrown himself all over Emmett onstage anyway, and he couldn''t take too many chances in the brief moments of darkness between songs. But he had a much better solution now for the post-show adrenaline drop, at least on days when Emmett didn''t have other company. After a quick round of congratulations and thanks to the rest of the band and the local organizers, he''d return to the hotel as soon as possible, usually before Emmett did, where he''d shower, put on clean clothes, and wait for Emmett''s call to invite him over.


    From the moment he arrived in Emmett¡¯s room, Luke would feel himself approach a kind of peaceful equilibrium ¨C not the plunge into weary emptiness he used to know, or a hyper need for ongoing stimulation to stave off the drop, but a sense of being exactly where he needed to be. Once inside, Emmett would give him a kiss or two before heading off to his own shower and post-show routine, and Luke would take off his clothes, kneel by the door, and wait. That long, slow, solitary waiting period was the real transition point for him ¨C where he left his manic performance energy behind and steadily filled himself with stillness and tranquility, the simple wait for his man to be ready for him. Even after Emmett came back into the room, he often left Luke a while longer, as though recognizing the gradual meditative process he was going through. Until, finally, from bed or chair or couch, Emmett would lift a hand and gesture for Luke to join him, and then their night would be underway.


    Emmett did indeed impose rules in the bedroom, and better yet, he also started treating Luke like a true lover rather than a friend with whom he had casual encounters. Luke was elated with both developments. He¡¯d always served, in some way, as an object of desire ¨C from his earliest days as a boy at the discos to his performances now for thousands of ardent fans ¨C so it was a relief to finally be treated like one by the man he loved. Emmett¡¯s rules added elements of both excitement and challenge, and Luke liked pushing himself. If he''d been a bit bored with straight, conventional sex for a while now, his new sessions with Emmett reinvigorated him.


    Emmett had been surprisingly accurate about his ability to share Luke''s burdens. That wasn''t how Luke had thought of the arrangement at first, but he found that eliminating all decision-making outside of work ¨C leaning on Emmett to decide everything ¨C gave him a sense of weightlessness, a lightness he hadn''t known since childhood. He¡¯d been carrying the load of life alone since he''d left home as a teen; now, for the first time, he could simply hand some of it off. It felt like a luxury for him as much as a way to honour Emmett.


    Luke still carried his old ideas of service and obligation, but sometimes it was hard to imagine he was providing service in an arena full of fans all chanting his name. Now service was right here in front of him, in the form of a kind, strong man with a smile that lit up his world and the most comforting hands he''d ever known.


    ***


    ¡°You seem good,¡± Eddie observed.


    Luke glanced at him over the top of his beer mug. ¡°What d¡¯ya mean, good?¡±


    ¡°You know¡­happy.¡±


    ¡°Sure I''m happy,¡± Luke said with a laugh. It was a warm sunny July day in Baltimore and they were sitting outside on the hotel patio, unwinding after a long day of arranging and rehearsals with a local musician who would be joining them onstage for a few songs that night. ¡°Nice to work with Shawn, that set should go over well. Thanks for helpin¡¯ with the arrangements.¡±


    ¡°I don''t mean because of that.¡± Eddie glanced around and raised his eyebrows pointedly. ¡°Where''s Em?¡±


    ¡°In his room for a call with his kids,¡± Luke said. Of course Eddie assumed he knew Emmett''s location; he always did. And naturally Luke had checked in with Emmett for approval before joining Eddie at the hotel bar.


    ¡°You haven''t yelled at anyone in almost a month,¡± Eddie went on in his slightly nasal drawl. ¡°Jenny says you''re almost friendly to her.¡±


    Luke smiled behind his sunglasses and didn''t respond.


    ¡°No hissy fits in the sound check. You let Pete wear the most god-awful shirt yesterday, didn''t blink an eye. It''s almost like you''re in love. Or at least getting laid on the regular.¡± Eddie drained the last of his drink and put the glass down. ¡°But the weird thing is I don''t see you bringing any girls back lately.¡±


    It was too pleasant outside, too close to the end of the tour, to take the bait, and Eddie was too much like a brother to worry about whatever he might be getting at.


    ¡°So I guess it''s not a girl that makes you look like¡­what is it they say? The cat that ate the canary.¡±


    ¡°I feel like I ate a lot of canaries,¡± Luke said with a chuckle. ¡°Have you seen the tour numbers? The royalty statements? The Top 40 charts? We''re everywhere, man. Don''t see why I need¡­¡±


    ¡°That ain''t what I mean,¡± Eddie cut in, and for a moment he lost his ironic smirk and faced Luke with set lips and an intense gaze. ¡°You know what I mean.¡±


    Luke shrugged. ¡°I don''t get your point.¡±


    ¡°I''m trying to look out for you, that''s all. You know it''s not a secret who you''re involved with. Everyone knows.¡±


    This time Luke met Eddie''s eyes evenly. ¡°I ain''t worried. Everyone in this organization knows what happens if they talk.¡±


    ¡°Maybe, but if they do, your career''s over; you''ll tank overnight.¡± Eddie spoke bluntly, then hesitated a moment and chose his words with care. ¡°Listen to me, Luke. You ain''t Jobriath, he ain''t Sylvester. Your music¡¯s not glam rock or disco ¨C you''re doing straight up blue-collar rock. Your fans are factory workers driving big old American cars; they are not going to stand by you on something like this. I know you always want to be big and bold and take a risk, but don''t kid yourself you can ride this out.¡±


    ¡°I''ll take my chances, man.¡±


    In a sudden movement, Eddie leaned forward, grasped Luke''s arm on the table top, and lowered his voice slightly. ¡°It''s his career too, you know. Are you sure he''d agree with you?¡±


    For the first time Luke was taken aback. ¡°What do you ¨C ¡±


    ¡°You''re always ready to put everything on the line. Would he do it too?¡±


    They faced each other for a moment without speaking, and then Luke looked away. Eddie relaxed his grip, let go slowly and stood up. ¡°I''m just asking. Hey, I''ll see you tonight, okay?¡±


    Luke gave a half-hearted wave and sat alone in the waning afternoon sunlight, thinking about what Eddie had said, and then about Eddie. When he first left home, Eddie was like the brother he''d never had. In those early days, the two of them had stood side by side ¨C both young and afraid, fighting for their own futures; they hadn''t so much joined forces as kept each other company in their struggles. Then Emmett came along, took his place beside Luke, and added his considerable strength to Luke''s fight. Luke would never forget the comfort of Eddie''s companionship in the worst of times, and he''d never begrudge Eddie his own dreams or success. But Emmett was the one he saw a future with.

 PART III Chapter 18

    ¡°Sure,¡± Luke said, ushering the kids toward the front door. ¡°You practise real hard and get good enough, you can join the B-Sides when you''re older.¡±


    ¡°I''m pretty good already.¡± Robbie pulled on his coat and started hunting for his hat and mittens. ¡°I got a recital next week ¨C you should come and see me, Uncle Luke!¡±


    ¡°Yeah, alright, I will, if it''s okay with your mom.¡± Luke shot a glance at Emmett over the top of Robbie''s head. ¡°And your dad.¡±


    Emmett nodded at him with a smile, handing a pair of mittens to Robbie.


    ¡°What about me?¡± Walt demanded. ¡°Can''t I be in the band too?¡±


    ¡°Well, maybe when Leo retires,¡± Luke suggested. ¡°I don''t think we need two drummers.¡±


    ¡°Maybe you do!¡±


    ¡°Okay, Wally, let''s get your boots on,¡± Emmett said, trying to keep them on track. ¡°Mama will be here in a minute.¡±


    A car horn honking outside Emmett''s apartment told them she had already arrived, and they quickly finished bundling up the boys. Luke gave them both hugs and Emmett took them out to Clarissa''s car while Luke set about straightening up from the whirlwind impact of the kids'' weekend visit.


    They''d been back in Philly for almost six months now. For once Luke had decided not to rush into a new album immediately. He had plenty of songs ready, and had booked a few days at Forge here and there, but was content with a slower process this time around, enjoying the relative peace of domestic life. The new album would likely be finished sometime in the spring, and then they could think about another tour, perhaps in the fall.


    In the meantime, Luke had moved to a slightly larger and nicer apartment, while Emmett opted to stay in his original bachelor pad, though he spent a lot of time at Luke''s place. At some point, soon after they got back, Luke had floated the idea of moving in together as ¡°room-mates¡±, which Emmett vetoed on publicity grounds. ¡°It''s not 1960s Hollywood,¡± he said. ¡°People aren''t going to pretend they don''t know what''s going on.¡±


    Luke couldn¡¯t argue with that, and it didn''t matter much since they were always together anyway ¨C except when Emmett had the kids. Robbie and Walt were too young to understand, and Emmett didn''t want to upset Clarissa either, so there were no sleep-overs when they were around. This time Luke had kept away for a couple of days before meeting up with the three of them for a Flyers game on the boys'' last day.


    ¡°Don''t worry about all that,¡± Emmett said, coming back into the room and lowering himself into his armchair. ¡°We can clean up tomorrow when I''m not so bushed.¡±


    ¡°That mean we''re sleepin'' here tonight?¡± Luke asked.


    ¡°Yeah, I''m too beat to go out again. Man, those kids take it out of me. Don''t know how Clarissa does it.¡±


    ¡°I guess you want a drink.¡± Luke went over to the cabinet where Emmett kept his liquor.


    ¡°Sure do. I''ve been dry for three days,¡± Emmett said. Clarissa didn''t like him drinking while the boys were with him.


    Luke brought Emmett''s highball over to him, then knelt on the floor in front of his chair, as had become his custom.


    ¡°You better be careful what you tell Robbie, man,¡± Emmett said, leaning down to kiss Luke. ¡°He''s gonna be expecting a job with you by the time he''s eighteen.¡±


    ¡°Might not be so bad,¡± Luke countered. ¡°We could use a saxophone.¡±


    Emmett laughed and pulled Luke up onto his lap to share the drink and make out. They''d taken the boys for dinner after the game so there wasn''t much left for them to do except go to bed.


    ¡°Hey, Em,¡± Luke said, after a few minutes of languid kissing, resting in Emmett''s arms.


    ¡°Yeah?¡±


    ¡°You ever think¡­it''d be nice if we could just live like this all the time?¡±


    ¡°What, here?¡±


    ¡°Well, maybe at my place. Or a new place with an extra room for the boys¡­¡±


    Emmett stroked Luke''s back. ¡°I wish we could, man. But you understand ¨C ¡±


    ¡°I know. I know. It ain''t possible. You think it ever might be?¡±


    ¡°Sometimes I worry you want too much from the world, Luke. I don''t see that happening in our lifetimes. If anything, we should be figuring out what we''re gonna do when we get tired of this.¡±


    Luke nuzzled at Emmett''s throat. ¡°What makes you think we''re gonna get tired of it?¡±


    ¡°You wanna live in our little apartments forever, sneaking around and having sleep-overs?¡±


    ¡°We ain''t really sneaking around.¡±


    Emmett was silent for a moment, his arms still wrapped around Luke. ¡°You ever think about¡­having a family? Don''t you want kids some day?¡±


    ¡°I mean¡­yeah, some day. I love your kids but ¨C ¡±


    ¡°You''re welcome to share ¡¯em.¡±


    ¡°Thanks, man. But yeah, I''d like to have my own one day.¡±


    ¡°So how do you figure we''re going to do that?¡±


    ¡°I dunno. There''s ways, I guess. But that''s for later. I''m happy how things are right now, ain''t you?¡±


    ¡°Yep.¡± Emmett kissed Luke one more time on the mouth. ¡°I know it''s early, but let''s go to bed.¡±


    Emmett still slept in his living room, as he reserved the apartment''s single bedroom for the boys, but the mattress on the floor had been replaced with a full-sized bed, and Luke had talked him into forgoing the pajamas on nights when they were together.


    ¡°Can I start unbuttoning?¡± Luke asked, sidling over to Emmett as they stood up. By now they''d tried many variations of Emmett''s rules, and while Luke enjoyed them all, he was pretty sure that Emmett''s favourite was just being asked for permission each step of the way.


    ¡°You don''t have any buttons,¡± Emmett observed, giving him a critical once over.


    ¡°I mean you. Please.¡± Every now and again Emmett would refuse one of Luke''s requests, at least initially, so Luke never took his approval for granted. He''d also learned to beg very prettily, in those cases, which was usually, but not always, effective.


    ¡°Hold on, man. Why don''t you have buttons? Didn''t I tell you I want you wearing nicer shirts?¡±


    ¡°For a hockey game? C''mon Em, I dressed okay. Look, this shirt even has a collar.¡±


    ¡°It''s called a polo, Luke, you ¨C ¡±


    ¡°Please, Em. It''s been three days, I been very patient. Can I please just get you undressed and go down?¡±


    ¡°I thought we were going to bed first.¡±


    ¡°I figure this way you might not fall asleep right after and then maybe I''ll get a turn for once.¡±


    ¡°Keep sassing me like that and someone''s not getting a turn at all.¡±


    They were both laughing, Luke in Emmett''s arms, but after a few kisses and a bit more bantering, Luke asked again, earnestly, and this time got the permission he wanted.


    Later, after they eventually made it to bed and both had their turns, they lay in the greyish dark, leaning against the wall of Emmett''s living room and exchanging stories about their last few days. They weren¡¯t quite ready to sleep, although by this time Luke had slightly adjusted his schedule to be more in sync with Emmett''s.


    ¡°Hey, can I ask you something?¡± Luke asked after a lull.


    ¡°Yep.¡±


    ¡°How come you still won''t¡­you know.¡±


    ¡°What? Won''t what?¡± But Emmett looked like he kind of knew what Luke meant.


    ¡°Fuck.¡±


    A case of content theft: this narrative is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.


    ¡°Aw, man. You''re bringing that up again.¡±


    ¡°You said we could talk about it,¡± Luke reminded him.


    ¡°We do fuck though.¡±


    ¡°Not like that.¡±


    ¡°You not satisfied, Lukey?¡±


    ¡°I''m real satisfied.¡± Luke gave his sheepish laugh, turning his face onto Emmett''s shoulder. ¡°But that don''t mean I never wanna try somethin¡¯ new.¡±


    ¡°New for us or for you? You ever do it before?¡±


    ¡°No. Never.¡± There was a pause. ¡°You did?¡±


    Emmett looked away for a moment, then back. ¡°Yeah, I have. Not ¨C I mean, I''ve done it to guys. No one''s done it to me.¡±


    ¡°Well, I mean¡­I ain''t askin'' to do it to you. But why can''t you do me?¡±


    ¡°Jeeze, Luke. It''s not as easy as you think.¡±


    ¡°Can''t be that hard, lotsa guys do it.¡±


    ¡°Sure, but the first time is¡­I mean, it can hurt a lot. And it doesn''t always feel good right away.¡±


    Luke pulled his head back to look up at Emmett. ¡°You did it with those guys in college, right? Your boys.¡±


    ¡°A few of them. Not all.¡±


    ¡°You have some kinda bad experience?¡±


    ¡°Yeah, actually¡­I did. I didn''t really know what I was doing and ¨C well, some of them didn''t either.¡±


    ¡°So, what, you worried about hurting me?¡±


    ¡°Of course I am.¡± Emmett stopped and sighed. ¡°If someone doesn''t know what they''re doing it can be dangerous. One of my boys ended up in hospital, bleeding¡­I don''t ever want to go through that with you. And imagine if you had to put out some kind of statement about why you''re in the hospital.¡±


    That was all hard to argue with. Luke frowned, listening to Emmett¡¯s words and trying to find some way in. ¡°So it''s because I ain''t experienced.¡±


    ¡°Neither of us has enough experience.¡±


    ¡°But if we take it real slow and careful¡­¡±


    ¡°I already know I''m not good at being someone''s first time.¡±


    Luke tried flattery. ¡°I know you''re big, man, but you''re real good at taking things slow and gentle¡­¡±


    ¡°You think I wasn''t slow and gentle with them?¡±


    For the first time Emmett''s voice was slightly heated. Luke decided he wasn''t getting anywhere and thought it might be best to drop the subject, at least for now. He changed to a more playful tone. ¡°You know, you''re way more experienced than I thought you were,¡± he said, giving Emmett a little nudge. ¡°I used to think you were a total straight-ass, a good mama''s boy that only ever fooled around with the girl you married. And now it turns out you''re the one who¡¯s tried everything.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, well, people will surprise you, won''t they?¡±


    ¡°You do. I ever surprise you, Em?¡±


    ¡°Every damn day.¡±


    ***


    Although he wasn''t working quite as relentlessly as he had in the past, Luke was always thinking about his music, the band, and his future. Sometime over the winter he came to a decision, and hunted down the singer he''d met previously, Laura. It turned out she was still working in town, so he dropped by one of her shows.


    ¡°Wow, you''re a big deal now,¡± she said, over a beer at the end of her set. ¡°Thanks for coming to see me.¡±


    ¡°I love your voice,¡± he told her honestly. ¡°What''s your plans from here?¡±


    It turned out she didn''t have many concrete career plans, so he asked her to meet with him the following week. Laura was about his age ¨C early 30s, now ¨C and a songwriter and guitarist as well as a trained vocalist. She was easy to talk to, attractive, receptive to his ideas, and seemed to like him as well. All in all, Luke thought she''d fit right in with the band.


    Once he was sure of her, he had a long talk with Eddie. It was a strange conversation ¨C as Luke thought to himself afterward, it wasn''t really clear who was firing who, or who was quitting and who was letting go. All Luke knew for sure was that it was time. The conversation, inevitably, created some tension, but Luke did his best to be clear about how much he loved Eddie and always would, and about his commitment to be there whenever Eddie needed something from him.


    After all that, Luke asked Eddie to work with him on the next album anyway. He''d been tempted to finish the album first and then have this conversation, but he knew, on some level, that wouldn''t be fair. Best to make sure they both knew where they stood first. Eddie scoffed at the request initially but eventually, after enough badgering and pleading, agreed to help out in the studio even though he wouldn''t be joining them for the tour afterwards.


    When Luke filled Emmett in on all of this, Emmett promptly called Eddie and the two of them went out for a drink without him. Luke understood, and didn''t ask to be included. Later, after Luke had finalized everything with Laura, Emmett wanted to meet her, so the three of them had dinner together. By the time they all met up in the studio, Emmett was more comfortable with both Eddie and Laura than Luke was.


    In the spring of 1982, they started work on the new album in earnest. Luke''s song-writing had continued to evolve, and his songs now combined the fiery boldness of Saving Grace with punchy melodies and captivating narratives to create driving, sometimes bombastic anthems with catchy hooks. Luke was fairly sure he''d have another hit on his hands.


    The record came out in early summer and was an immediate sensation. This was the big one. Luke and the band were almost instantly catapulted into a level of fame and success he''d never even considered. Luke Clarkston, champion of the blue-collar everyman, was suddenly everywhere ¨C on television and radio, newspaper and magazine covers, car radios and record stores. Singles vaulted to the top of the hit charts and stayed there for weeks or months; the band''s first video went into heavy rotation at MTV. Album sales records were broken; royalties poured in. All summer long, Luke heard his songs every time he turned on the TV or his car stereo or walked down the street ¨C something he soon had to stop doing as the number of people accosting him started to create traffic jams, and the local police complained.


    Life became chaotic. Jerry and the record label both had full teams focused on making the most of this moment. The label had PR firms, media specialists and publicists; Jerry brought in financial advisors, accountants, more lawyers and money men. They set up a new company to handle Luke''s growing catalogue of songs, copyrights and royalties. An entire logistics crew was working with a dedicated tour manager to plan the upcoming tour.


    Most days Luke followed a relentless schedule of media interviews and appearances set by the record label, fielding phone calls from Jerry at many of the stops and spending hours on the phone with him every evening. The rest of the band had their own schedules to follow, though none quite as hectic as Luke''s. He had to hire an assistant for Janie, and Janie had to find him both a new apartment and a security company to protect it.


    It grew harder to spend time with Emmett, but Emmett enjoyed the success and encouraged Luke to ride it out. ¡°It''s not going to last forever,¡± he''d say, ¡°So do whatever you need to while you can. I''ll still be here when you''re done.¡±


    The promotional tour kicked off in late fall. Like the previous one, it would last about a year and include stops in Europe as well as North America. But that was the only similarity. Everything else about this tour was on a whole different scale from anything they''d known before. The band flew to locations now, first-class and sometimes on private planes. They travelled with assistants, stylists, wardrobe managers, PR reps, caterers, instrument techs, drivers, and personal security; they were chauffeured everywhere in limos, and stayed in full-sized hotel suites.


    And they played night after night to tens of thousands of people, in football stadiums, civic centres and coliseums. Often they played four to six shows at the same location, and almost every show sold out. Construction crews would travel in advance to build full sets for them at the stadiums and coliseums; the custom stage was so large, Gordon and Emmett could barely see each other from their respective stations.


    Luke could hardly believe the size of the crowds, but he didn''t have much chance to think about things. Without Eddie, he and Laura had to cover all the guitar parts in all the songs, and they''d only had a month or so to rehearse. They were still scrambling to divvy up and learn Eddie''s parts after the tour started, as Luke found he needed to work harder to manage the massive crowds, and sometimes couldn''t focus on the guitar lines as well. Vocally, Laura was everything Luke wanted ¨C he could duet with her on some songs, and rely on her for consistent harmonies and backup for the others. Emmett continued to add some backup vocals, but there was no way he would have been able to replace Eddie completely while also managing his own instruments.


    The switch from Eddie to Laura altered the band dynamic in some ways. As Luke had expected, the introduction of a woman into the historically all-male band had an impact, with some fans ¨C especially the women ¨C responding warmly to her, and others seeming put out. Luke figured that if he ruffled a few feathers, it meant he was doing his job. Internally, the impact wasn''t as dramatic, since the old days of shared hotel rooms and late-night carousing had passed; band members barely saw each other outside of performing now, and many of them travelled with wives or families anyway. Luke often missed Eddie, but he enjoyed his blossoming friendship with Laura.


    Of course, the biggest change of all was that Luke had become an actual rock star ¨C a superstar, an A-list celebrity ¨C seemingly overnight. He could no longer go to a bar or a restaurant, or even outside his hotel, without attracting crowds. At airports he was whisked off for individual VIP screenings; hotel restaurants led him to private dining rooms; if he wanted to go shopping, Janie set up special after-hours appointments for him. Now, in addition to the usual industry receptions and cocktail parties, there was a sudden flood of invitations to exclusive events ¨C everything from high-class charity balls to private parties hosted by other major celebrities.


    Luke found it overwhelming and a bit absurd, but he was human enough to enjoy the attention, at least at first. He saw how easily this could all go to his head, and again felt a relief at having Emmett to keep him in line. The problem was that he found it increasingly difficult to spend any time alone with Emmett. In fact, it was hard to find time alone at all ¨C even his hotel suite hosted a constant stream of occupants, from Janie and her assistant, to Jerry and his endless advisors and associates, to stylists and hairdressers. If he escaped to Emmett''s suite he''d meet yet more people ¨C personal trainers, tailors, assistants, Emmett''s many friends or family members, and, occasionally, strange women. Only late at night, when the hotel was finally quiet and the guests had all left, were they able to find each other alone.


    ¡°I don''t know what I was thinkin¡¯,¡± Luke said, in Emmett''s arms at last, ¡°not tellin¡¯ ¡¯em to make sure our rooms are on the same floor.¡±


    ¡°You can''t tell them that!¡± Emmett protested, laughing. ¡°How would you explain it?¡±


    ¡°Why should I explain? Last week in Chicago we were in different fucking wings. How am I supposed to get back to my room in the morning without running in to people?¡±


    ¡°Yeah, we probably shouldn''t try it when we''re that far away from each other. It''s okay, gives us a chance to hang out with other people.¡±


    ¡°I don''t wanna spend the night with other people.¡±


    ¡°Me neither, man, but we have to once in a while or people will talk.¡±


    ¡°Let ¡¯em talk.¡±


    ¡°You know you don''t always have to be a rebel. It''s not hard to just keep up appearances.¡±


    ¡°I keep up appearances, I always find a date for events just like you tell me to.¡±


    ¡°Yeah, you''re being very good about that. And it helps to have Laura ¨C I was looking through some magazines and there''s already a bunch of talk about you and her getting together.¡±


    ¡°Really?¡± Luke looked at Emmett in surprise. ¡°Why would they say that? I ain''t even dated her.¡±


    ¡°It''s just a bunch of gossip, but that''s good, it gives us some extra cover.¡±


    ¡°I guess it''s ¡¯cause we''re always holed up together workin¡¯ on our guitar parts. I hope she don''t see all those stories.¡±


    ¡°You think she might get the wrong idea?¡±


    ¡°Oh, I ain''t worried about that. You know, Em, I think she''s figured out about you and me already.¡±


    ¡°That''s because you''re terrible at hiding it.¡±


    ¡°It''s hard, man. Sometimes it feels like the whole world''s out of control, and you''re the only thing holding me together. But the more I need you, the harder it is to find you.¡±


    ¡°Aw, Luke.¡± Emmett pulled him in tighter and stroked his hair. ¡°You''ll be fine. You''re a good man.¡±


    ¡°I''m a lucky man.¡±


    ¡°I''ll always be here for you.¡±


    ¡°You better be.¡±

 Chapter 19

    If fame made Luke nervous, it didn''t bother Emmett at all. This, he figured, was what they''d been working toward for the last ten years ¨C a reward for all their hard work. He hoped Luke would be able to take it in stride.


    Touring was still the highlight of his life, and much more comfortable now. Emmett had an assistant of his own ¨C Diane, one of his distant cousins ¨C and a personal trainer who travelled with him, and whatever other services he might need were easily procured. By this time, he''d developed an extensive network of friends and acquaintances across the country, in addition to his own extended family, so there were people to hang out with at every stop. Sometimes he''d join Luke for big A-list events, when the rest of the band was invited. When they weren''t, Luke complained about having to find a date and not being able to bring who he really wanted to. But Emmett didn''t mind; he knew he''d be overshadowed by bigger names at those events anyway; he much preferred to join a local after-party or late-night club where he''d be treated like royalty all night. It occurred to him that the celebrity and party life might have tempted him, if he hadn''t always been conscious of his responsibility for Luke''s support and protection.


    Financially he was doing pretty well, though not, he understood, as well as Luke. He''d bought his folks a new, larger house in downtown Roanoke at the beginning of the tour, and he hoped that by the end he''d be able to do something similar for Clarissa and the boys. He didn''t plan to trade in his own apartment for now ¨C since he was so rarely at home between tours ¨C but he thought he might look around for a flashier car when he got back.


    His parents and grandma came to see the show one night when it was close by, and were duly impressed. Later, when Emmett visited them in their new home, he noticed that the old photos from his wedding day ¨C the ones his mama had removed after his divorce ¨C had been replaced with framed articles, photos of the band, and paparazzi shots of Emmett with various dates. He figured he was back in his mama''s good books.


    Although he didn''t quite share his parent''s love of respectability or their traditional definition of success, Emmett understood the value they put on appearances. Appearances mattered, after all; society was bullshit, but social status could protect you from the worst daily indignities and ensure you were well-treated by the world. Emmett had spent enough time in undervalued jobs, in thankless support roles for bosses who barely noticed him, to appreciate what he had now.


    He knew Luke sometimes struggled with the huge stadiums and massive crowds they played to these days, but Emmett loved having so much more room to move around in. It felt good to take up space on the stage, to revel in the fans¡¯ adulation under multi-coloured spotlights, to command the crowd from his position in the band''s front line. Sometimes he remembered the old, pre-B-Sides days of being huddled at the back of a platform with too many horn players, trying not to stand out or take up too much space. It was sweet not to have to hold himself back.


    Luke was in much better shape now, with a wiry muscularity and power of his own, and the venues were well-ventilated, so Emmett worried about him less ¨C which was good, since they were often too far apart onstage for Emmett to be able to catch him if he fell. Even so, they had a way of seeking each other out while they performed. Every time Luke approached Emmett''s end of the stage, they instinctively reached out for each other and would end up entwined, arms around each other''s back, or Luke¡¯s head on Emmett''s shoulder.


    As the stages and the audiences and even the band''s sound had scaled up, so too had Luke''s live tributes to Emmett. While ¡°Flaming Up¡± continued to be their encore, Luke started using ¡°Mountain Home¡± as a show-stopping main set closer, positioning it as an homage to Emmett:


    Elsie and the mountain


    Elsie and the mountain


    Elsie found that mountain home


    Luke would station himself at one side of the stage to belt out the lyrics, and as the outro wound up he''d race straight along the riser to throw himself onto his knees in a long slide that finished at Emmett''s feet.


    At the end of each show, Luke grabbed Laura''s hand ¨C she took up Eddie''s old position, on Luke''s left ¨C and held out the other, with his guitar, for Emmett, then raised both arms triumphantly into the air. Emmett grew to recognize the look Luke would shoot him in these moments, a question that always asked the same thing: Was it good? Did I make you proud?


    Of course, he always did. Emmett had never stopped admiring Luke ¨C not just the way he wrote music and managed crowds, but the way he ran his life. Luke took a firm business-like approach to his work yet he always stayed human, prioritizing his personal relationships over almost everything else. After ten years of leading the band, he still managed to be well-liked and respected by everyone on the team. When Emmett commented on that once, Luke had laughed and said, ¡°I fucked up so many friendships in the past, I finally learned what counts.¡±


    Emmett was proud to be part of Luke''s team, but, most of all, he was proud to be the one who carried Luke''s heart in his own. It amazed him every day that the world had turned and aligned itself so that this man, who had just captivated a stadium full of fans, chose to fall at his feet.


    Still, he shared Luke''s frustration at the increased difficulty in finding chances to be alone. They''d had so much more freedom during the break between tours, in the privacy of their own apartments. Emmett had been in charge day and night, then, and they''d been able to explore so many things Luke, especially, had been curious about.


    ¡°I ain''t fragile,¡± Luke would often remind Emmett. ¡°You don''t need to take it easy on me.¡±


    So Emmett had experimented, and reached a few conclusions. Although Luke would submit to almost anything, seemingly as a kind of challenge to himself, he wasn''t especially interested in being hurt or degraded. He mostly liked obeying orders, asking permission and providing service, though at times he also seemed to enjoy being treated roughly or restrained, and sometimes fighting back. He wanted either the meditative peace of choosing to submit, or the exhilaration of being overwhelmed and rendered helpless.


    By the time the tour started, Emmett had a pretty good idea of Luke''s interests, abilities, and limits. He''d assumed, at first, that their activities would continue during the tour, but he hadn''t counted on the changes this level of success brought ¨C the intense public scrutiny, lack of privacy, absence of downtime, constant presence of other people. Occasionally he could set small tasks or rules for Luke to follow while they were apart, as a kind of reminder of his presence, but the casual domestic togetherness of pre-touring life was a distant memory here.


    Luke still called Emmett every morning to check in ¨C even at that time, Emmett often had to send Diane out of the room so he could speak privately ¨C and sometimes they could join each other for meals during the day, but others would always be around. Often, now, they had separate engagements in the evening or after a show, and unless they specifically agreed on a time to meet, it was hard to coordinate afterward. If one of them arrived back early and called the other''s room, the phone would ring endlessly without response; if they got back late, neither wanted to call and risk waking the other. Even slipping a note under a door was risky these days, with so many potential strangers around to find it.


    The best they could do was make a firm plan once or twice a week, both agreeing to be back at the hotel at a specific time, so that Luke could meet Emmett in his room. When they were finally alone together, Emmett could feel Luke''s discontent and neediness. He tried to resume the old games, but with their moments of intimacy being so limited he hated to deny Luke or apply constraints; almost everything was abandoned for more immediate gratification, which usually satisfied them in the moment but did nothing to address Luke''s ongoing frustration. It felt like there was too much to cram into the few hours they could be together.


    ¡°Man, we got to find some more time alone,¡± Luke would say peevishly, and they''d brainstorm for a few minutes until, inevitably, Emmett was forced to be the voice of reason, pointing out that anything they did would attract attention and speculation.


    ¡°Would it be so terrible if people knew?¡± Luke asked finally.


    ¡°Yes,¡± Emmett answered with a laugh. ¡°You''re a rock star. It would mean the end of your career.¡±


    ¡°Who says? Bowie claims to be a bisexual ¨C he still has a career! And ¨C and that other guy, Elton John.¡±


    ¡°First of all,¡± Emmett said patiently, ¡°they''re English. It''s different over there. And Bowie walked it right back, he says he''s straight now. Even Elton John''s dating a woman, I think.¡±


    ¡°Maybe I can be the first in America.¡±


    ¡°Can''t you just hold out for a bit, Luke? All the tours aren''t going to be like this one. It''ll let up a little when we''re done and then it won''t be so hard.¡±


    All of their conversations ended in some version of this, with Emmett urging patience and Luke reluctantly conceding.


    ***


    By the middle of the tour, Luke''s usual discontent was so palpable that when he showed up at Emmett¡¯s door one night in a particularly self-satisfied mood, the change was noticeable immediately.


    ¡°What''s with the smirk?¡± Emmett asked, pulling him inside the room.


    ¡°I''ll tell ya later,¡± Luke answered. He put up his face for Emmett''s kiss and went over to the bar fridge, so pleased with himself he practically swaggered in his jeans.


    Emmett returned to the sofa in the sitting area of his suite and watched curiously. He accepted the whiskey Luke poured for him and then waited, frowning slightly, as Luke continued to pace around the room. It was after midnight, and they''d both left parties early to be able to meet here, for the first time in several days. Usually, in moments like this, Luke was near exploding with pent-up need and would beg for immediate release before being able to settle down for more leisurely conversation and extended play.


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    ¡°Come here,¡± Emmett said at last, and directed Luke onto the floor at his feet. They often started with a quick blow job and hand action so they''d both get off once and could take a longer time for round two, but tonight Luke was surprisingly unwilling to bring either one of them to a climax.


    ¡°Can''t we get into bed first?¡± he asked, wheedling. ¡°Please? I wanna¡­I just wanna be in bed with you.¡±


    Emmett shrugged, still puzzled, and stood up to get ready. ¡°I guess so.¡±


    When he came out of the bathroom he found Luke already under the covers, still with that small secret smile. It almost seemed like Luke was too excited tonight to maintain a veneer of deference, which Emmett found mildly provoking. It''s not that he was wedded to the idea of being in charge, but Luke was the one who''d insisted on this game to start with ¨C shouldn''t he at least keep up appearances? Or perhaps Emmett''s unresolved hard-on was just making him cranky.


    He got into bed beside Luke, who curled into him quickly, and they made out a bit more. Luke was hard too, and Emmett wondered again why he hadn''t wanted to finish up earlier. Then Luke rolled his body on top of Emmett''s, put his hands on Emmett''s shoulders and looked down with a kind of giddy anticipation.


    ¡°So now,¡± he said, as though announcing something momentous they''d both been waiting for, ¡°we can do it for real ¨C finally! I''m ready.¡±


    ¡°Do what?¡±


    ¡°I did it, I''m experienced now. So you got nothin¡¯ to worry about.¡±


    ¡°What?¡± Was Emmett hearing this right?


    Luke didn''t seem to notice his reaction, or perhaps didn''t want to. He snatched something up from the night table, and showed it to Emmett quickly. ¡°Look, I got some lube, I even used some before I came over, I just wasn''t sure if¡­¡±


    Emmett pushed Luke off him and sat straight up in the bed. ¡°What did you just say, Luke?¡±


    ¡°I told you, I did it.¡± The rush of words slowed a bit, Luke re-positioning himself on the bed to face Emmett. ¡°You said you ain''t good at first times so now it''s not.¡±


    ¡°Are you saying you¡­you let someone else fuck you?¡± Emmett suddenly found himself on his feet, not breathing, eyebrows drawn low over his eyes, too stunned to feel anything else for a moment.


    ¡°Well, yeah ¨C like you fuck other people every day, man.¡±


    ¡°What? Not other guys ¨C never, not since I met you, I''ve never even thought about it.¡± Emmett raised his hands in disbelief and spun away from the bed, then back again, hardly hearing himself speak; his words felt automatic, irrelevant, the smallest part of the disaster that was currently exploding in his head.


    Luke''s defiance abruptly melted away; for the first time, he looked like he knew all was not well. ¡°Yeah okay, I know you don''t¡­I just ¨C ¡±


    ¡°You''re telling me you ¨C you found some guy and got him to fuck you so ¨C ¡±


    ¡°Not some guy, Em, it was just Jos¨¦.¡±


    ¡°What?¡± For a second Emmett thought he might pass out, or perhaps he already had; was he dreaming this conversation? He reached for the wall to steady himself, unable to move for a moment. Then he roused himself abruptly, still half in a dream, snatched up his robe and stalked out of the bedroom toward the main door of the suite. ¡°How dare he ¨C¡±


    In a split-second Luke had jumped off the bed and thrown himself in front of the door to block Emmett''s path. ¡°No, Em, no ¨C it wasn''t his fault, I swear¡­¡± He spoke rapidly, his hand flat on Emmett''s chest in a futile effort to slow him down. ¡°I asked him to ¨C I begged him ¨C ¡±


    ¡°He knows you''re mine.¡± Emmett hardly heard Luke''s words, hardly realized he had put his hands on Luke''s upper arms to pick him up and move him aside; his focus was fixed on the door handle Luke''s body had been covering.


    ¡°Emmett, no, don''t leave, please ¨C please don''t blame Jos¨¦ ¨C ¡±


    Through the raging black cloud that filled his mind, Emmett saw Luke''s face and dimly realized he was terrified ¨C was it for himself or for Jos¨¦? Either way, it gave Emmett a strange satisfaction.


    Luke was still speaking rapidly. ¡°I told him it was okay, I told him you were okay with it.¡±


    Once again, Emmett''s brain seemed to shut down in disbelief. ¡°You ¨C you ¨C you told Jos¨¦ I didn''t mind if he fucked my ¨C my¡­¡±


    Luke seemed to wait for the final word but Emmett gave up on that thought and tried to formulate another; his mind kept spinning off in so many directions he didn''t know where to go first. Finally, he managed to corral one complete question: ¡°Did you think I''d be okay with it?¡±


    Luke sank back against the wall, his face confirming the answer. ¡°Em, I''m ¨C ¡±


    ¡°You lied to me.¡±


    ¡°We never talked about other ¨C ¡±


    ¡°Not about that.¡± Emmett slammed an arm against the wall beside the door, then took a breath. ¡°You need to leave.¡± He realized Luke was still naked, and forced himself to move away, to the picture window in the sitting area. ¡°Get dressed and go.¡±


    ¡°Em, please, let me ¨C ¡±


    ¡°No. You have two minutes, then I''ll move you outside myself.¡± Emmett stood with his back to the room, pressing his hands against the window. After a moment he heard scrambling sounds from the bedroom as Luke began dressing.


    ¡°I''ll go ¨C but please, please promise me you won''t do anything to Jos¨¦ ¨C please.¡±


    ¡°Don''t ask me for promises.¡± He waited without turning, listening to Luke''s uneven breathing, until he heard a faint footstep, approaching. ¡°No. You need to leave.¡±


    At last, after another long moment, there came the click of a door opening, and the sound of Luke''s shoes on the carpeted hall outside, receding into the distance, and Emmett let himself slide down the wall onto the floor.


    ***


    The first thing Emmett noticed when he woke up the next morning was the soreness in his body. It took a moment to remember his long, intense workout at the hotel gym, where he''d gone after Luke left and he couldn''t sleep. Of course that brought back all the other memories as well. He shut his eyes again and buried his head in the pillow.


    ¡°Morning,¡± Diane said, coming into the room. She glanced at him, then pulled the curtains open unsympathetically. ¡°Luke was already looking for you. He says he''ll be in his room till about 11 if you want to reach him.¡±


    ¡°I don''t,¡± Emmett mumbled, sitting up. Then he thought a little more and figured now might be a good time to go down for breakfast and another workout, since it meant he wouldn''t run in to Luke. He got up and dressed, conferred briefly with Diane on the day''s schedule, and started to head out.


    ¡°What do I tell Luke if he calls again?¡± Diane asked blandly as he was leaving.


    ¡°Nothing.¡± Of course he was giving himself away; by lunchtime the whole organization would know he and Luke had had a fight. Well, that couldn''t be helped.


    The hotel had set aside a private dining room for the band. When Emmett arrived it was empty except for Jos¨¦, who sat alone at a table by the window, looking haggard. He stood up when he saw Emmett and backed away a couple of steps.


    ¡°Emmett, my man¡­¡±


    Emmett walked toward him slowly, restraining himself with an effort. ¡°Morning, Jos¨¦.¡±


    ¡°Luke told me he talked to you.¡± Jos¨¦ hesitated for a moment then spoke in a rush. ¡°Listen, I want to tell you how sorry I am, I should never have gone along with it, I thought you ¨C I mean, he said you were okay with it, I thought I was helping! But I should never have agreed to¡­¡±


    Emmett put out a hand to stop him. ¡°Forget it, man. He can be very persuasive. I know.¡±


    ¡°Honest, Em, I didn''t make a move on him. I know he''s yours, your¡­cari?o.¡±


    ¡°Whatever. Just¡­don''t let it happen again. And if I ever hear about you telling anyone this ¨C ¡±


    ¡°Never, I swear.¡±


    ¡°All right.¡± Emmett glanced at the table where Jos¨¦ had been sitting. Despite his words, he didn''t exactly want to share a meal with the man. ¡°Guess you already ate?¡±


    ¡°Oh ¨C yeah. I''m just leaving.¡± Jos¨¦ threw his arms around Emmett with relief, and Emmett suddenly wondered if he''d been up all night worrying. Then he wondered if Luke had. Perhaps all three of them had lain awake in the dark for hours in their separate rooms, each of them haunted by slightly different versions of the same thing.


    After breakfast Emmett went back to the gym for another long workout, the best way he could think of to burn off what remained of his resentment and pain. He took some pride in having managed so far without any recourse to violence; all the years of touring had surely taught him to manage his temper. But the confused bitterness he felt when he thought about Luke remained.


    The band had a show that night, and Emmett was glad for the distraction of getting ready. His day was booked up with the usual pre-show activities ¨C consultations with his stylist, instrument techs and manager before heading to the venue for sound check, dinner, hair and wardrobe. He was still in his hotel room, meeting with the stylist, when Diane answered a knock at the door and Luke came in.


    ¡°Hey, Em, you got a minute?¡±


    ¡°Not really.¡± Emmett kept his voice cool and didn¡¯t look in Luke¡¯s direction. ¡°I''m ¨C ¡±


    ¡°It''s about the show.¡±


    That was a different story; Luke was still his employer. Emmett frowned and excused himself. The suite was full of people so he followed Luke out to the hall.


    ¡°What''s up?¡± he asked stonily.


    Luke shut the door carefully behind them and glanced up and down the hall to make sure they were alone. ¡°Thanks, Em,¡± he said, still trying to sound genial. ¡°I tried to check in this mornin¡¯ but I guess you were sleeping. Anyways, Jos¨¦ told me you talked and everything''s okay.¡±


    ¡°I wouldn''t say that.¡±


    ¡°I mean, you ain''t ¨C ¡±


    ¡°Do you actually need to talk to me about the show?¡±


    Luke lost the bright, eager look he''d been sporting and slumped against the wall. ¡°No. I just needed to see you.¡±


    Another lie. Emmett reached for the door handle. ¡°Then I''m going back in.¡±


    ¡°Wait ¨C ¡±


    Emmett looked down at Luke''s hand on his forearm, and then up at Luke''s face.


    ¡°Can''t we talk? Please?¡± Luke asked.


    ¡°Not yet.¡± He pulled his arm away and went back into the suite.


    That night, for the first time in ten years, Emmett played on stage and wished he didn''t have to interact with Luke. He did, of course ¨C they both performed with their usual gusto, striking all the classic poses and hamming it up together in between ¨C but his heart wasn''t in it; and though even the keenest front row fan couldn''t have detected it, he felt Luke''s constraint as well.


    And so it went on for the next two days. Every morning Emmett woke up, remembered what happened, and checked in on his feelings to see if he could manage the talk he knew they had to have eventually. But every morning he was out or instructed Diane to say he was unavailable when Luke phoned.


    On the third day Emmett got a call from Angela, one of his regular dates. He liked Angela and found her very compatible with his requirements; she was smart, fun, foxy, and not at all interested in a relationship with him ¨C she was interested in her own career as a model or dancer. He often took her to events or parties with him, where she could meet people and make connections in the entertainment industry. There was no expectation of exclusivity on either side, though she didn''t know about his involvement with Luke, and Emmett was careful to sleep with her just often enough to avoid raising speculation about his interest in women.


    But today, when she suggested they attend an industry dinner together and hinted at a rewarding after-party in his hotel room, he declined. Though he''d never considered his arrangement with Angela to be a betrayal of Luke ¨C on the contrary, the whole point of it was to protect him ¨C it somehow felt wrong just now; a kind of hypocrisy.


    On the fourth day, after lunch, he found an envelope slipped under his hotel room door ¨C sealed, with his name on the outside in Luke''s handwriting. He picked it up before Diane saw it. Inside was a folded sheet of notepaper with a few scrawled words: I know your mad but don''t punish me for too long. Your boy needs you. L


    Something shifted inside Emmett as he read the words. Of course Luke needed him. Of course he couldn''t be left alone too long. Emmett''s job was to keep him safe; being angry was a luxury for people who didn''t have that kind of responsibility.


    It was an off day, with no travel or performance scheduled. Emmett went to the phone in the suite¡¯s sitting area, called Luke''s room, and left a message that he''d be in his hotel room all afternoon, if Luke wanted to drop by. Then he settled back to wait.

 Chapter 20

    The knock came about thirty minutes later, just after Emmett had made himself a drink from the bar fridge and sat back down again. Diane answered the door and, seeing Luke, waved a good-bye and went out, with her usual discretion.


    Luke checked that the door locked behind her and glanced around to confirm they were alone in the suite, which, for once, they were. When he was sure, he came over to Emmett and started to lower himself to his knees, but Emmett caught his arm.


    ¡°No. Go sit over there.¡± He nodded toward an armchair across from the couch, and Luke moved to it reluctantly.


    ¡°Thanks for letting me come over, Em.¡± Luke leaned forward in the chair, hands clenching his thighs. ¡°I been wanting to tell you I''m sorry.¡±


    ¡°For what?¡± Emmett asked curiously. He felt strangely detached right now, like he was taking a purely clinical interest in what Luke had to say.


    ¡°For sleeping with Jos¨¦. And ¨C for lyin'' to him. I mean, I knew damn well you wouldn''t be okay with it.¡±


    ¡°I''m not. But¡­you''re right, we never talked about it.¡±


    ¡°You didn''t need to tell me, I knew. Just like you know I''d hate it if you slept with another guy. Hell, I don''t even like it when you sleep with girls.¡± Luke gave a sheepish laugh.


    ¡°We''ve been through that, Luke. You know ¨C ¡±


    ¡°I know. I know, but it don''t mean I like it. But that don''t make any excuse for what I did with Jos¨¦. I''m sorry.¡±


    Emmett sipped from his drink, still oddly dispassionate. ¡°So¡­why''d you do it then? If you knew I wouldn''t like it.¡±


    ¡°Because I ¨C I thought it''d solve our problem. I thought after I did it once, you wouldn''t worry so much about hurtin¡¯ me.¡±


    The detachment vanished abruptly, replaced with baffled frustration. ¡°For real? That''s the best way you could think of to deal with it?¡±


    ¡°Well, I ¨C ¡± Luke leaned back in his chair abruptly. ¡°It seemed like the solution.¡±


    ¡°Fucking someone else was the only idea that occurred to you? You couldn''t think of anything else? And you had to do it without talking to me first?¡± Emmett¡¯s voice rose in disbelief.


    It seemed to occur to Luke to consider this for the first time. After a pause he said, ¡°I knew if I asked you ahead of time, you''d say no.¡± He shook his head slightly and raised his hands. ¡°I mean, I know you''re mad. You can punish me, I won''t complain. I''m surprised you ain''t hit me.¡±


    Emmett leapt to his feet and strode past Luke''s chair, across the room. ¡°Are you out of your mind? I don''t want to hurt you! I want to keep you safe. That''s the whole point!¡± He stopped pacing but Luke didn''t say anything, and when he turned around Luke was staring at the floor. ¡°So you tell me I''m in charge of your life ¨C you''ll do whatever I say ¨C but the moment you want to do something you know I won''t agree to, you just ¨C do it anyway and figure you''ll sweet-talk me later. All that talk about me being in control was a lie.¡±


    ¡°It wasn''t a lie.¡± Luke lifted his head. For the first time, Emmett noticed his pale skin and tired eyes. ¡°But you''re right, that''s what I do. I''ve done it my whole life¡­if I want something bad enough I just ¨C go after it and deal with the fallout later. I knew you''d be mad but I figured you''d forgive me in the end.¡±


    ¡°Jesus, Luke.¡± Emmett sighed. He came back and dropped onto the sofa. ¡°You''re right, I will forgive you. But I''m not going back to the way things were. It''s not like I wanted to be in charge in the first place. I''m not gonna keep playing pretend.¡±


    ¡°It ain¡¯t pretend, Em. You know it ain¡¯t.¡±


    ¡°Apparently it is, whenever you don''t like something.¡±


    ¡°I won''t do it again.¡±


    ¡°You just said it''s what you always do.¡±


    Luke reached out toward Emmett. ¡°Please, can''t I come over to you ¨C ?¡±


    ¡°Absolutely not.¡± The last thing Emmett wanted was Luke kneeling at his feet. Not just because he was no longer sure he wanted to play that game, but because he knew from experience how hard it was to think with Luke in that position. He waited, while Luke looked at the floor in silence for a few moments.


    ¡°It''s¡­a habit I need to break,¡± Luke said finally. ¡°I been doing it a long time, I pretty much made a whole life outta taking risks but¡­I never want to risk losing you. I''ll do better, I promise.¡±


    Emmett hesitated. Wasn''t Luke''s willingness to court disaster part of his charm, part of the reason for his success? ¡°I don''t know if ¨C ¡±


    ¡°With you. I won''t take risks with you, I ain''t promising to change myself completely.¡±


    Emmett found himself smiling a little, at last. ¡°I wouldn''t want you to.¡±


    Luke shot him a hopeful glance. ¡°Does that mean ¨C ¡±


    ¡°No, man. I still don''t get it. Why did you want to sleep with Jos¨¦ so bad that ¨C ¡±


    ¡°It wasn''t like that. It''s not like I wanted him, I wanted you. I really wanted to do it with you and I thought this was the only way.¡±


    ¡°But it''s not like I said no without a reason. I was worried you''d get hurt. How did you figure it''s better to let someone else hurt you instead?¡±


    ¡°I just wanted to get it over with. And anyway ¨C it didn''t hurt that much.¡±


    ¡°I mean.¡± Emmett furrowed his brows for a moment, considering. ¡°It''s not a bad idea, getting help from someone with experience. But why couldn''t you just talk to him? Why''d you have to go straight to doing it?¡±


    Luke gave a helpless shrug, but the colour was starting to come back in his face. ¡°I guess I¡¯m more of a doer than a talker.¡±


    ¡°You couldn''t talk to me?¡±


    Luke cocked his head skeptically, and for the first time sounded slightly annoyed. ¡°Come on, Em. I tried talkin'' to you about it and you shut me down.¡±


    ¡°What? No I didn''t.¡± Emmett thought back to their previous conversation. ¡°I told you why I didn''t like it and you just dropped the subject.¡±


    ¡°Because it seemed like your mind was made up.¡±


    Emmett¡¯s hands laced together, then unlaced again, as he considered that. ¡°It''s true, I didn''t really like talking about it ¨C but I did anyway. If something''s important to you, I''ll always talk about it.¡±


    ¡°But you said point blank you wouldn''t do it with me.¡±


    ¡°I said neither of us had enough experience to just start fucking. But we could''ve figured it out together. We could''ve talked to Ray or Jos¨¦ or ¨C or used something or ¨C I don''t know, got a pamphlet from the GAA or the men¡¯s health centre or something.¡± Emmett frowned again. ¡°I hope Jos¨¦ was careful.¡±


    ¡°He was real careful with ¨C ¡±


    ¡°Haven''t you heard about this new disease gay guys are getting? They don''t even know what it is, but I heard some guys are dying. We have to be really careful; you might need to get tested or something. Did he use some kind of protection at least?¡±


    ¡°Yeah, he used a rubber but c''mon, Em, Jos¨¦''s fine.¡±


    ¡°We don''t know who''s fine. We need to find out more about it. I know you think I''m over cautious, Luke, but that wasn''t just taking a risk ¨C it was reckless, dangerous. I still don''t get it. Why do you want to do this so bad?¡±


    Luke tried for a playful smile. ¡°Curiosity?¡± He saw Emmett''s look and dropped the smile. ¡°I mean, it''s supposed to feel good. And¡­it''s just been so hard, Em. No privacy, not getting time alone with you¡­It''s like ¨C I got hit records, I got all these screaming fans, but the only thing I really want I can''t have. Sometimes I start to feel, I dunno, kinda desperate.¡±


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    Emmett thought he understood. He''d seen that side of Luke.


    ¡°And then sometimes I feel like¡­doing this one thing with you would kinda seal the deal, you know? Make it real.¡±


    ¡°It''s already real, Luke.¡±


    ¡°I know. Listen, Em, I fucked up, I know, but I didn''t mean to disrespect you.¡± Luke took in a long breath. ¡°Please can I move over there with you?¡±


    Emmett half relented. ¡°You can sit here, beside me.¡±


    Luke came over immediately, lifting Emmett''s arm to lean against his chest. ¡°Thank you. Now are you gonna keep punishing me or can we go to bed?¡±


    ¡°It''s three o''clock in the afternoon, man.¡±


    ¡°So what? I been missing you.¡±


    ¡°You got plans tonight?¡±


    ¡°Just a dinner thing. I''ll be back by nine. Can I come over?¡±


    ¡°Okay. But don''t expect me to ¨C ¡±


    ¡°I know, you ain''t gonna fuck me.¡±


    That wasn''t exactly what Emmett meant, but he let it go. He''d been missing Luke as well. ¡°Hey Luke,¡± he said after a moment.


    ¡°Yeah?¡±


    ¡°How''d it feel? When Jos¨¦ ¨C ¡±


    ¡°It hurt a little at first, but he was real slow and careful, and he ¨C he used his fingers first. To make room¡­¡±


    ¡°Huh.¡±


    ¡°And that lube I showed you, he gave me that. He used lots of it and that really helped.¡±


    ¡°Did it¡­stop hurting after a while?¡±


    ¡°Yeah, mostly.¡±


    ¡°And then¡­did it feel good?¡±


    ¡°Uh¡­sort of. I didn''t come or nothin''. It was a weird feeling, but I can see how it''d feel real good if¡­if the right person was doin¡¯ it.¡±


    ¡°Did you do it more than once?¡±


    ¡°No, man, I wasn''t tryin¡¯ to get off, I just¡­y''know.¡± Luke laughed a little. ¡°Wanted to stop being a virgin.¡±


    ¡°Hmm.¡±


    Luke gave Emmett what might have been a hopeful look. In any case, Emmett couldn''t stand being angry anymore. He turned and took Luke into his arms and felt Luke melt against him in response.


    ***


    They spent that night together, and in the days that followed things almost returned to normal. The first time they woke up apart, Emmett took Luke''s morning call like he used to, happy to speak to him, but declined to provide any orders when Luke asked. The next time Luke called again, and this time he didn''t ask, which suited Emmett well.


    And so they went back to their usual routines, except that Emmett no longer issued instructions or set tasks for Luke to follow, and Luke didn''t ask for permission or explicitly defer to Emmett''s approval. When they found time alone together, they went back to fooling around without any of their more recent games or rituals.


    Emmett didn''t quite understand his own reluctance to resume control in their relationship. It wasn''t exactly because he thought Luke treated his authority cavalierly, though that was part of it. During their few days apart, he''d had time to dwell on his overall misgivings. Instinct and experience, and everything he''d ever learned from his upbringing, told him happiness didn''t last forever. His love for Luke ¨C that wasn¡¯t going to change. One way or another, he''d continue to love Luke to the end of his days; that''s just the way things were and always would be. He didn''t doubt Luke''s current love for him either ¨C if anything, Luke loved him too much, too recklessly.


    But this idyll they enjoyed would surely someday come to an end. They''d be caught; or trapped, and forced to make a choice; or Luke would get over his infatuation and fall for someone else. Time had a way of changing people, and so did money. Emmett knew by now that Luke had become a very, very rich man; his wealth far exceeded that of anyone else in the band ¨C something about royalties, and song-writing credits, meant Luke was earning hundreds of times more from record sales and radio airplay than the band did collectively from tours. Just as Luke''s fame and celebrity far outstripped Emmett''s and the rest of the band''s.


    Of course, Emmett was thrilled for Luke''s success and never begrudged him his fortune. If he foresaw a reckoning somewhere on the horizon, that didn''t stop him from relishing his current happiness. On the contrary: someday he might need these memories to sustain himself. Given Luke''s overly-romantic, overly-dramatic impulses, Emmett sometimes thought he might, one day, have to protect Luke by ending things himself. However much he loved being the object of Luke''s adoration, his over-riding obligation was to safeguard Luke''s well-being; he''d sacrifice his own enjoyment for that if ¨C or when ¨C he had to.


    Emmett didn''t mean to let fear of some unknown future pain guide his actions today ¨C but still; was it really wise to dig himself in quite so deep? Luke''s deliberate submission, his willingness to hand over his power to Emmett, was seductive ¨C a siren song that would surely just make it harder to lose in the end. Now that Emmett had broken away from it, would it be fool-hardy to walk right back into that temptation, especially when Luke himself had shown he was willing to abandon it at his convenience?


    Despite all the uncertainties, the confused feelings of love and anxiety, having Luke back was a huge relief, and a responsibility Emmett always took seriously. Although the subject didn''t come up again, he thought a lot about their conversation that afternoon. At last he took Ray aside, and after a bit of nervous circling asked for advice on how to safely have sex with another man. If Ray was surprised, he hid it well, and he carefully avoided asking detailed questions while providing information and guidance; he even supplied a few pamphlets about the disease Emmett had heard of, and a kind of how-to book for gay men, which Emmett studied earnestly. He began to feel more confident about trying it all out with Luke. But for some reason, he hesitated to bring it up just yet.


    In the meantime, Luke somehow managed to treat him with even more deference than before. Even though they had, by unspoken mutual agreement, dropped any explicit idea of Emmett being in charge, Luke kept finding ways to show that his own sentiments remained the same. He didn''t ask permission in bed, but his touch was gentle and hesitant; when they were in public together, he spoke less and yielded to any preference Emmett expressed; onstage, he approached Emmett circumspectly, dropped to one knee or bowed when introducing him, and stopped everything to stand and admire his solos. It was, as always, exasperatingly difficult not to be charmed.


    But sweet as being the object of veneration might be, Emmett missed Luke''s old exuberance ¨C his cautious courtliness with Emmett was much less entertaining. They were nearing the end of the tour, and Emmett began amusing himself by trying to provoke Luke out of his constraint when they played. The rest of the band were generally expected to stay within their own stations onstage, but Emmett had always been given free range. Now he used his freedom to badger Luke during instrumental breaks ¨C pointing his trumpet into Luke''s face, strutting over to circle around him, challenging him to some kind of dance contest, punctuating choruses with random shouts; whatever he could think of to get a reaction.


    At first Luke just seemed gratified by Emmett''s enthusiasm, watching him with polite bemusement. But as Emmett''s antics increased, and the number of shows left dwindled, Luke started responding ¨C diffidently at first, and then with more of his natural energy and spirit. It almost seemed to Emmett like a reverse of those very early days when he first joined the band and Luke had to coax him into taking his place at the front of the stage.


    Then, on one of the final nights of the tour, it all came together ¨C Luke and Emmett fully in sync as they romped across the stage, standing back-to-back or with arms entwined, dancing in unison or dueling their instruments, Luke running to Emmett''s mic for vocals, Emmett swooping Luke up in his arms, neither of them aware of anything but each other. Everything else ¨C the rest of the band, the stadium full of fans, the passage of time, their history, differences, uncertainty, frustration ¨C all forgotten in the giddy rush of power and performance.


    At one point, as the lights went down for a brief moment between songs, Luke seized Emmett''s hand in the darkness, pulled him over and kissed his lips. Reckless, Emmett thought, reeling a little, and a moment later, what''s wrong with that? As always, the show reached its peak with the final number, ¡°Mountain Home¡±. While the band played the outro, Luke positioned himself at one end of the stage, on the riser just below the main platform, while Emmett stepped forward at the other end for his trumpet solo. As the solo reached its soaring end, Luke sprinted along the riser to throw himself onto his knees in the traditional slide that ended at Emmett''s feet ¨C and Emmett, in his own moment of reckless abandon, spontaneously threw out his right arm with the trumpet for balance and reached down with the other to sweep Luke up towards him. He saw Luke''s eyes widen in amazement as his face approached Emmett''s, and then Emmett planted a kiss full on his mouth.


    Emmett meant ¨C if he''d had any thought about it at all ¨C to make it brief, a fleeting peck like the one in ¡°Flaming Up¡±. But Luke instinctively reached up to wrap one arm around Emmett''s back, and then held the kiss, open-mouthed, for several seconds. For those long frozen moments, they formed a sort of spotlit tableau, dramatic and exultant, and the crowd responded with enthusiastic delight, before Emmett helped Luke back up to his feet.


    After the encore the band lined up at the front of the stage as usual, Luke grasping Emmett''s hand on one side and Laura''s on the other, looking up at Emmett for approval with the perpetual unspoken question, Did I make you proud? Still clutching Emmett''s hand, Luke went over to the mic stand to say a few closing words, took a final bow with the rest of the band and quickly headed downstairs, pulling Emmett along with him.


    They crossed the holding area, Luke moving faster than usual after a show and still apparently unable to relinquish Emmett''s hand. As they approached the waiting limousines, Luke took advantage of the general backstage chaos and the noise of the crowd to squeeze Emmett''s arm and say breathlessly, ¡°I''m comin¡¯ over as soon as we get back.¡±


    Emmett laughed and lowered his head, bringing his lips close to Luke''s ear. ¡°You still got that lube?¡± he asked, and for the second time watched Luke''s eyes grow wide with surprise.


    That night Emmett tried out everything he''d learned. He made sure they both had a few drinks, and a long hot joint shower to relax; he put a couple of towels down on the hotel bed sheets, applied plenty of lube and used his fingers to slowly open Luke up while keeping him distracted with some light restraint and heavy kisses. When they were close to ready, he freed Luke''s hands, produced a condom ¨C for the first time in one of their encounters ¨C and instructed Luke to put it on him.


    ¡°You''d better get good at this part if you want to keep doing this ¨C we need to use one every single time,¡± he said.


    Luke had no complaints, other than the general sentiment that things weren''t happening fast enough for him. Emmett ignored that and took his time, carefully positioning Luke with his knees straddling Emmett''s lap, then gently helping him to lower himself down. Impatient, Luke tried to plunge ahead, but Emmett held him back, setting a slower pace, stopping frequently to check on him before proceeding. It wasn''t until Emmett was fully inside Luke that he realized how warm and intense and electrifying it felt ¨C so different from what he vaguely remembered of those confused, haphazard attempts he''d made with the boys in college. He held himself still, his dick pulsing rhythmically, while Luke fully adjusted to the sensation and then gripped the top of Emmett''s arms and dug his fingers in when he was ready for Emmett to start moving.


    As the book had suggested, this position let Luke set the pace and intensity of Emmett''s thrusts, which he did with enthusiasm. When they settled into something like a tempo, Emmett took another tip from the book and grasped Luke''s cock in his hand, squeezing lightly at first and then with more force. Eventually they both came within moments of each other, and, on the whole, Emmett thought the entire experience was a success.

 Chapter 21

    ¡°So how''d the date go?¡±


    ¡°Oh¡­¡± Laura rolled her eyes and smiled. ¡°Another dud. I swear, I''m starting to lose hope.¡±


    Luke handed her a beer and pulled up the Adirondack chair beside her. ¡°Aw, not yet, man. You got plenty of time.¡±


    ¡°I''m thirty-three, Luke. If I''m gonna have kids it''s got to be soon.¡± Laura¡¯s dark hair was bigger these days, teased and scrunched into voluminous curls, and she wore a shiny, tight-fitting satin dress with broad shoulders. Luke supposed it was all very fashionable, but he preferred her simpler looks.


    ¡°I know what you mean.¡± Luke stared out over the green fields of his newly purchased property. ¡°I''m thirty-four, and I''m starting to think about kids now too.¡±


    Laura gave him a commiserating look over the top of her glass. ¡°It''s hard to start a family when you''re on the road so much of the time.¡±


    ¡°Yeah. Sorry to drag you off with us.¡± Luke laughed ruefully.


    ¡°It''s only been once for me. You''ve been doing it for almost your whole life.¡±


    ¡°That''s why we''re takin¡¯ a longer break this time. I ain''t stayed home for two straight years since I was like¡­twenty.¡±


    They sat outside, behind the big old Pennsylvania farmhouse Luke had bought a few months back, enjoying the late sunset of early August. Luke had converted one of the back parlours into a small, modern studio where he hoped that, with all the new ¡¯80s technology, he¡¯d be able to do most of his development and demo work, if not final recording, from now on. He was working on his next album slowly, over many weeks of trying things out ¨C new songs, new arrangements, extended jam sessions with various band members that might eventually lead to something, out-takes, re-takes, whatever appealed to him in the moment.


    There was no rush this time; at least, not that mattered to him. The record company, of course, was chomping at the bit for new material, eager to exploit his previous success before the moment passed. But Luke had enough money and power now to set his own rules. He informed Jerry that he''d produce the next album at his own pace, and that Jerry''s job was to keep the execs off his back.


    Luke''s plan was to test out this slightly longer than usual break from touring. He missed performing on a regular basis, but Jerry set up occasional benefit shows, the odd television or promotional appearance, gigs in northeastern states where the band could fly in and out in a day, and a couple of music video shoots. None of it could fully satisfy Luke''s craving for live energy, that connection with his fans, but at least he and the rest of the band got an extended stay in one place.


    His new property was located an hour or so outside of Philadelphia. During this improvisational period, he mainly invited one or two band members or other musicians at a time to stay with him for a couple of days to jam and develop a few songs. This weekend had been Laura''s turn, and they''d just wrapped up a day of trading vocal lines and harmonies over top of various demo tracks Luke was working on.


    ¡°A break¡¯s nice,¡± Laura agreed, and glanced around. ¡°So where''s Emmett tonight?¡±


    ¡°Aw¡­¡± Luke couldn''t help making a bit of a face. ¡°He''s out on a date with Angela.¡±


    Laura lifted her eyebrows curiously. ¡°Oh, okay. I¡­uh, didn''t know he dated.¡±


    ¡°Sometimes.¡± Luke looked down moodily. ¡°You know, he ¨C likes the media coverage.¡±


    ¡°Hm. I see.¡±


    For some reason Luke found himself continuing to talk. ¡°You know, the main reason I bought this place was for the privacy. Fifty acres, surrounded by trees, middle a'' nowhere¡­I figured we ¨C I wouldn''t have to worry about the fans or the media or whatever.¡±


    ¡°Sure. It''s perfect for that.¡±


    ¡°But in some ways, y''know¡­I still got no privacy. If there''s somethin¡¯ to see, people see it. If there ain''t somethin¡¯ to see¡­people read into that, or make shit up.¡± He paused and spun his empty glass between his hands restlessly. ¡°You have to¡­actually give them something to, like, control the story.¡±


    Laura nodded, looking at him thoughtfully, and Luke wondered if she understood what he was saying. He was pretty sure she had a good idea of his situation, but once in a while he thought he felt a flicker of interest from her.


    Emmett had been staying at the farmhouse with Luke since he bought it, which had been inexpressibly satisfying ¨C magical, like a secret paradise for just the two of them. But even that couldn''t seem to last without complications: Emmett''s friends and family wondering why they could never find him at his own apartment; Jerry hinting that people were talking about Emmett''s extended ¡°visit¡±; Emmett having to go home whenever he had the kids. Luke didn''t care about the talk, but Emmett thought these things mattered.


    ¡°Well,¡± Laura said, changing the subject with her usual tact. ¡°At least once you do have kids you''ve got a great place for them to grow up.¡±


    ¡°Yeah.¡± Luke brightened for a moment, then grew downcast again. He still hadn''t figured out how he was going to manage kids of his own. Sometimes he thought maybe Laura might help him with that. ¡°What about you? What are you gonna do if you don''t find the right guy to settle down with?¡±


    ¡°Then I guess I''ll just grow old alone and childless.¡±


    ¡°You never thought of¡­¡± He hesitated.


    ¡°You mean, like, an arrangement?¡± Laura looked down at her glass, and the teased curls waved slightly as she shook her head. ¡°I''d make a terrible single mom. And I¡¯m not looking for a Kate & Allie thing. No.¡± She shot Luke a look that might have been pointed. ¡°I need a real old-fashioned family or none at all.¡±


    ¡°Oh.¡± Luke sighed. ¡°Well, I''m sure you''ll find the right guy soon.¡±


    ¡°I hope so.¡±


    They watched the sun set over the small woodlot on the western edge of Luke''s property for a few moments. There was a foot path that followed the perimeter of the grounds, where Luke and Emmett walked together many afternoons. In the background, Prince crooned from the boombox Luke had brought outside.


    ¡°Another drink?¡± Luke asked.


    ¡°Depends if I''m going home, I guess. Did you want to keep working tomorrow?¡±


    ¡°Oh yeah, stay over again if you can. I could use the company.¡±


    Laura seemed puzzled. ¡°Emmett''s not coming back tonight?¡±


    ¡°Oh ¨C I doubt it,¡± Luke said, trying to keep the bitterness out of his voice. ¡°Not tonight.¡±


    Emmett wouldn''t take Angela out and not sleep with her ¨C he was too worried she''d start rumours about him if he didn''t. He''d hardly bring her back to Luke''s house, and likely not his own, either; officially, he was still renting that tiny apartment in downtown Philadelphia. No, most likely he''d take her to one of those big hotels in Philly or New York with plenty of people around, maybe have Diane leak it to the paparazzi. In a couple of days Luke would see the photos in some magazine: B-Sides horn player Emmett Evans leaving the Plaza with long-time companion Angela Barrows.


    Rationally, Luke understood everything Emmett did. He knew it was for his own protection, to ensure his career wasn''t negatively impacted. But he didn''t have to like it. And he especially didn''t like Angela.


    ¡°Why do you have to spend so much time with her?¡± he''d ask, when Emmett mentioned another date.


    ¡°You know why, man. We''ve been over it a hundred times.¡± Which was true, but somehow Emmett still had patience with him.


    ¡°But why her? Why don''t you see different girls?¡±


    ¡°What''s the problem with her? She''s not interested in me, Luke, she''s just trying to get ahead. If I start taking out other girls, someone''s liable to get hurt. Angela knows she''s not my main squeeze, she''s fine with it, and she doesn''t ask questions. That''s why we get along so well.¡±


    In his worst moments, Luke sometimes thought he should find himself a similar companion ¨C if Emmett could do it, why couldn''t he? Once, early on, he''d wondered if Laura might play that role with him, but when he realized she might possibly have feelings for him he''d quickly abandoned the idea. Like Emmett, he didn''t want to hurt anyone.


    Stolen from Royal Road, this story should be reported if encountered on Amazon.


    So now, when Laura stayed over at the farmhouse, even if they were there alone and Emmett was out with Luke''s least favourite person, they slept in separate rooms and Luke avoided even a hint of flirtation with her.


    ***


    Other than Emmett''s charade with Angela, life was good these days. Luke liked his new place, and loved living in it with Emmett. He had staff to look after all the annoying parts, and a local woman came in to cook for him. Luke enjoyed playing house with Emmett so much that he learned to make breakfast and a few simple meals so he could sometimes fix dinner for the two of them, and bring Emmett coffee and breakfast in bed.


    Their days had been passing harmoniously for the most part. Luke had installed a small home gym in the basement, and there was a pool out back, so Emmett used those most days. When Luke wasn¡¯t busy with Jerry, they''d work together in the studio, take long walks around the property, or have a quiet meal together and settle in for a night of movies or music or Olympic games coverage.


    The privacy of life at home went a long way to offsetting the chaos and annoyance of fame, which made it easier for Luke to enjoy being a rock star again. Public events, performances, and meetings with fans could all be carefully organized on a manageable scale, so they were fun and invigorating without overwhelming him. Luke sometimes missed the normal parts of life ¨C being able to go shopping or out for a meal or a drink without causing a minor riot ¨C but once in a while he''d show up at a local bar anyway, and if he had to bring a small security detail with him or the bouncers had to manage a bit of a frenzy, it was worth it for the chance to talk to real people and old fans and friends again.


    To Luke¡¯s relief, Emmett had quietly taken charge again. Somehow it seemed to just happen, right after that night at the end of the tour when they''d finally fucked for real. Luke was happy to resume the old dynamic and swore to himself that he wouldn''t mess up this time, but he also noticed that Emmett''s control didn''t feel as urgent to him now. It wasn''t that he liked it less, just that it seemed less crucial while he was home and relaxed, away from the stress and pressure of touring. These days he only really craved Emmett''s power and dominance in the bedroom.


    As the weeks and months passed, Luke had started to think it might be time to settle down. Not for good, of course ¨C he could never give up live performances altogether ¨C but after almost twelve years of touring, the novelty had worn off, and the idea of spending his life out on the road perpetually into the future seemed less appealing. Perhaps he could tour less often, or for shorter periods. With record sales and royalties, he no longer needed the concert revenue. What began to feel more important to him now was the idea of a home, a family, a place to pursue his craft, a peaceful life with the man he loved.


    It seemed like such a reasonable wish, yet so impossible to achieve. Kids might, perhaps, be managed through a discreet arrangement with a woman he could trust ¨C that wasn''t out of the question. The greatest frustration remained having to hide his relationship with Emmett. He told himself he wanted to keep his personal life private, and Emmett insisted he had no interest in being acknowledged publicly, but Luke could not get over his resentment at the little indignities that concealment required. It annoyed him to attend parties and events surrounded by other couples without being able to bring his own partner. He disliked having to constantly deflect questions about his romantic life in interviews, the vague sense of being dishonest with his fans, not being able to fully share Emmett''s life, and, of course, watching Emmett act the part with Angela.


    ***


    ¡°I don''t think I''ll be here for your session with Gordie next week,¡± Emmett said, as they were out for one of their afternoon strolls around the property. ¡°The boys want to stay with me while Clary''s at her mother''s. I can¡¯t leave them home alone for the whole day.¡±


    ¡°Can''t we invite them here?¡± Luke asked, frowning. Another of his ongoing grievances was that Emmett always had to return to his own apartment when he had his kids, leaving Luke out of the picture. ¡°Tell them they can check out my studio, and if Robbie''s practising enough he can try playin'' with us.¡±


    ¡°I really don''t think you should be encouraging him,¡± Emmett said, laughing, ¡°but sure, I can try that.¡±


    ¡°You think Clarissa''ll mind?¡±


    ¡°Why would she care?¡±


    ¡°Has she figured out about us?¡±


    Emmett paused, his eyes hidden behind dark Ray-bans. ¡°I don''t know. She''s never said anything. She knows we''re close.¡±


    The long grass scratched their bare legs, both of them in denim shorts and sneakers. Luke pulled a dead branch off one of the trees near the property line and swung it at some tall weeds. ¡°What about the boys? You think they know?¡±


    ¡°Maybe. I guess they''re old enough to start wondering.¡± Robbie and Walt were teens now, fifteen and thirteen.


    ¡°Don''t it ever bother you, Em? That you can''t share your whole life even with your own family?¡±


    ¡°What does it matter if my kids think you''re their stepfather or their fun Uncle Luke?¡± Emmett, his Hawaiian shirt unbuttoned and loose in the breeze, seemed as unconcerned as always.


    For some reason, Luke suddenly found himself infuriated. ¡°How come you never care? Why don''t it matter to you that we''re always livin'' a lie?¡±


    ¡°It''s not a lie if they make you lie.¡±


    Luke hurled his stick across the field and walked on, still brooding. ¡°I thought you don''t care what people think.¡±


    ¡°I don''t, but the world''s fucked up, man. We don''t need to give people ammunition so they can use it against us.¡± Emmett slid an arm around Luke''s waist and pulled him closer.


    ¡°You ever think about¡­settling down?¡± Luke asked after a moment.


    ¡°What do you mean?¡±


    ¡°Like, what if we stayed in one place for a while. No big tours for a few years. Just makin'' a life here in Pennsylvania.¡±


    Emmett didn''t respond right away. His black high-tops made heavy impressions in the grass on the trail. ¡°Tours are your decision,¡± he said finally. ¡°If you don''t want to, that''s up to you.¡±


    ¡°Ain''t you tired of livin¡¯ on the road for years at a time?¡±


    ¡°Not really. Remember, I was settled down ¨C for a long time, while you were out there scrambling around trying to make it. I can see how it feels old to you, but it''s still kinda exciting for me.¡±


    Luke felt another stab of irritation. ¡°So you ain''t ready to settle down again? You just wanna be out there partyin¡¯ with ¨C ¡±


    ¡°Don''t start that again,¡± Emmett said firmly. ¡°It''s got nothing to do with Angela, or anyone else. I''m just saying, we have different histories. But I get how you feel. I mean, I''m 41, I probably should stay home more.¡±


    ¡°Well, what about the rest of it? Makin'' a life for ourselves here¡­¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t know what you mean by that.¡±


    ¡°You know. Home. Family. Kids.¡±


    Emmett let his arm drop from Luke''s waist and walked on for a moment without speaking.


    ¡°Okay, I get it,¡± Luke said, ripping a leaf off an overhanging branch and then tearing it apart. ¡°You don''t want that with me.¡±


    ¡°It''s not that I don''t want it.¡± Emmett grabbed Luke''s arm so the torn bits of leaf fell from his hands. ¡°I do, I mean ¨C I would love to have all that with you. But what''s the point of wanting something I can''t have?¡±


    ¡°Why can''t you? I got a nice place here, maybe I can figure out kids¡­why can''t this be our life?¡±


    ¡°Because I can''t stay here indefinitely. Look, Luke, you can have all those things ¨C you should have them ¨C but you can''t have them with me.¡±


    ¡°Why not?¡±


    ¡°Because it would cost your career.¡± Emmett stopped walking and pulled Luke around to face him, almost harshly. ¡°If you want a family I won''t stand in your way. But I''m not gonna be responsible for destroying everything you''ve spent your life building.¡±


    ¡°You''re saying you''d leave me,¡± Luke said, blinking rapidly.


    ¡°That''s the last thing I want to do. But ¨C but ¨C I mean, I think it''s possible that we can''t spend our whole lives together. I wish it was¡­but maybe it''s not.¡±


    Luke turned away and started heading back toward the house, unwilling to even consider Emmett''s line of thinking. ¡°Why''s everyone so sure I have to choose between you and my music?¡± he asked instead.


    ¡°Because we know how the world works.¡±


    ¡°I ain''t saying I want to come out. We don''t need to, like, put out a press release or somethin¡¯. But why can''t we just live our lives and not talk about it?¡±


    ¡°Isn''t that what we''re doing?¡±


    ¡°We could stop hiding it. I could stop bringin¡¯ girls to events and just bring you. You could give up your apartment, tell Clarissa to bring the boys here ¨C ¡± Luke broke off when he glanced up and saw Emmett''s face, mouth set in a grim line.


    ¡°You might as well just put out a press release. What are you going to say when people ask if you''re gay and sleeping with your horn player?¡±


    ¡°I can just say I don''t answer personal questions. Lots of rock stars do that ¨C look at that guy from Queen. Or Lou Reed ¨C he¡¯s American. You ever hear him when people ask if he''s ¨C ¡±


    ¡°Luke,¡± Emmett cut in tensely, like he was running out of patience. ¡°You can do what you want with your career, you''re in charge of that. Quit touring, I''m not even complaining about it. But I think you should ask Jerry before you go off and do something stupid. And maybe look up how much money Billie Jean King lost when people found out about her. Now c''mon, lets go inside and start dinner.¡±


    That night, as they took their after-dinner drinks into the living room and settled down to watch the Discovery launch on CNN, Emmett pulled Luke into his lap and kissed his forehead.


    ¡°Listen, man,¡± he said. ¡°I''m sorry for what I said this afternoon. I don''t want you to feel like I''m threatening to leave or something. I want to spend my life with you, I''d love it if we could settle down together.¡± He gathered Luke into his arms and kissed him again, on the mouth this time. ¡°And I hope you can get what you want. I just¡­don''t want either of us to sacrifice our careers for something that doesn''t matter to me.¡±


    It matters to me. Luke heard the words in his head, but in the moment all he could do was wrap his arms around Emmett and kiss him back.


    A couple of days later he did ask Jerry, as vaguely as he could, what would happen if, hypothetically, it came out that he was in a relationship with another man. Jerry gave a long-suffering sigh and said, ¡°Just give me a few weeks'' notice first so I can find myself some other line of work. You won''t need me anymore.¡±


    That didn''t help. When Jos¨¦ happened to call soon afterward, Luke couldn''t resist asking him about the impact of being out on his working life. While Jos¨¦ said things were better now than they had been when he was young, his blunt description of the difficulties he still faced took Luke by surprise.


    ¡°Especially now,¡± Jos¨¦ said, ¡°losing so many friends to AIDS, and all the fear and panic about it. Straight people don''t wanna come near me, they''re afraid to touch anything I touch. We''re like pariahs. I think it''s worse now than it was in the ¡¯70s.¡±


    Disheartened, Luke tried to put the whole question out of his mind again. The following week Emmett brought Robbie and Walt out to the farmhouse, and the four of them spent two days jamming, hanging out in the pool, and playing touch football in one of the back fields. By the end of it, Luke''s frustration was back. No matter what Emmett said, he knew in his heart that whether the boys thought of him as their dad''s buddy or their step-dad made a difference to him.

 Chapter 22

    By early spring of 1985, Luke had the new album mostly wrapped up. This one was bleaker, darker and more introspective than his previous records. When Emmett listened to the near-final tracks, he looked concerned, but Luke assured him it was just a way of getting his feelings out. Eddie and Emmett both helped with production again, Emmett acting as chief engineer.


    They had Forge booked for final review and track listing but at the last minute, Eddie and, inexplicably, Emmett didn''t show up. Jenny had just had her first baby so Luke understood that Eddie was needed at home, but Emmett? He''d just left a message at the studio saying something came up and he''d see Luke at home later.


    ¡°He''s been like this a lot lately,¡± Luke said moodily, looking down at his beer. ¡°Something''s always comin'' up.¡±


    ¡°I''m sure it was important,¡± Laura soothed. ¡°I wish I could help.¡±


    Luke had invited Jerry and Laura to the session as well. Jerry went home once Luke gave up on getting anything done, but Laura joined Luke at a nearby tavern where he could drown his vexations.


    ¡°You do help. But ¨C but I need his input before I finalize anything. I don''t know what''s such a big deal that ¡­¡±


    ¡°It''s okay, we have the studio tomorrow too. I''m sure you can finish everything then.¡±


    ¡°That ain''t exactly the point.¡± Luke downed his beer and called for another one. ¡°Sometimes I feel like¡­¡± He paused.


    ¡°What? You feel like what?¡±


    Laura was a good listener, and always discreet. ¡°Like we ain''t always on the same page.¡±


    ¡°You mean¡­musically?¡±


    ¡°Naw, not that, he''s always on board with the music. More like ¨C personally.¡±


    ¡°How do you mean?¡± Laura coaxed. Her hair had settled down to something closer to normal now, and she wore a long, loose skirt that looked a lot more comfortable.


    ¡°You know, I¡­¡± Luke paused again, trying to marshal his thoughts coherently after the four or five drinks he''d already polished off. ¡°I like to ¨C to be honest with the fans. I mean, I like to think I got a bit of, you know, personal integrity.¡±


    ¡°Sure, I think most people would say you do.¡±


    ¡°Well, Em ¨C he, he don''t think we owe anyone anything. He thinks it''s fine to just ¨C not be so honest.¡±   Luke waved a hand vaguely. It occurred to him that if she asked what they weren''t being honest about he''d have a hard time explaining, but she had too much tact to ask.


    ¡°I think Emmett sees the world his own way,¡± Laura said thoughtfully. ¡°Different from us.¡±


    ¡°He don''t care about having a family like we do, he''s already got one.¡± Between the sympathy and the alcohol, Luke found it easy to keep talking; the hard part was not getting emotional. ¡°He''s already done the settling down thing.¡±


    ¡°He''s just at a different point in his life, I guess.¡±


    ¡°He''d rather just keep touring and fucking Angela so he can be a big deal¡­¡±


    ¡°Well, touring is his livelihood, right? That''s where he makes his money.¡±


    ¡°What does he need money for? I got plenty.¡± Luke spoke irritably, and then stopped as it occurred to him he might be saying too much. ¡°Anyway, anyway,¡± he said, floundering to change the subject. ¡°He loves me, that''s what counts.¡±


    ¡°Well, you''re very loveable.¡± Laura laughed, then stopped and reached across the table to grasp his forearm earnestly. ¡°Listen, Luke. I know how it feels. I hope you get what you want.¡±


    Something in the way she said it made Luke realize it was time to wrap up their conversation. Laura found his driver for him, and he headed back to the farmhouse.


    ***


    At home, Luke found Emmett pacing the living room, wearing a black turtleneck under a pale blue, oversized sportscoat, as though he¡¯d been dealing with something serious.


    ¡°What happened? Why didn''t you show up?¡± Luke asked. He could hear the aggression in his voice but, after all, this was his work. Emmett was supposed to do what he said.


    ¡°I''m sorry, Luke. I had to go deal with something. Look, would you sit down? How''d it go?¡±


    ¡°It didn''t. We put it off till tomorrow. Hopefully you''ll deign to join us then.¡±


    ¡°I should be able to. Here ¨C ¡± Emmett handed Luke a whiskey and soda, and motioned toward the couch. ¡°Have a seat. We need to talk.¡±


    Luke started to say he''d had enough already, but when he heard the last words, he tossed the drink back and sat, bracing himself.


    ¡°Here''s the thing.¡± Emmett took the armchair across from him and leaned forward, arms on his knees. He took a breath and continued. ¡°Angela''s pregnant.¡±


    ¡°What?¡± Luke stared. ¡°How''d that ¨C wait. Are you saying¡­it''s yours?¡±


    ¡°We think so.¡± Emmett sat quite still in his chair. ¡°She''ll do a test when the baby''s born but there''s only a couple of possibilities and¡­well, we had an accident around the right time.¡±


    Luke looked into his empty glass and wished it was full. ¡°So¡­she''s having the kid?¡± he asked sullenly. Emmett would be a father again while he still couldn''t figure out how to have a child of his own.


    ¡°Yes. She''s having it. It''s going to be ¨C ¡±


    ¡°That''s why you bailed out on me today? You had to go see Angela?¡±


    ¡°Yes. Look, it''s not going to be easy for her. She''s going to be taking care of a baby and still trying to keep her career going. I have to be able to support her ¨C ¡±


    ¡°Okay. I get it. You got to be there for her. I suppose you''ll have to miss a few ¨C ¡±


    ¡°Luke. I''m marrying her.¡±


    ¡°What?¡±


    Emmett slid quickly off his chair and onto the couch beside Luke. But when he reached over, Luke wrenched himself away and sprang up to his feet.


    ¡°It doesn''t change anything, Lukey. My feelings for you are exactly the same. She knows it''s only a temporary thing. It''s just to give her some cover, so she doesn''t start out as a single mom. I''ll get her a place and give her some financial support and¡­¡±


    ¡°You don''t have to marry her to do that.¡± Luke threw his back against the living room wall, as though trying to get far away from Emmett¡¯s words. ¡°What do you mean it don''t change anything?¡±


    ¡°She just wants the baby to have an official family. I''ll be around enough to keep up appearances, that''s all. We should be able to afford a nanny or something, and she''ll go back to work. After a few years we''ll get a divorce. That''s it, Luke.¡±


    ¡°That''s it? What do you mean, that''s it?¡± Luke drew in a panting breath, wishing he could focus his thoughts. ¡°That''s everything! That''s ¨C that''s your whole fucking life!¡±


    ¡°No it''s not. C''mon, man, don''t be so dramatic. Will you come back over here and¡­¡±


    ¡°No. You won''t even ¨C even tell your kids who I am but you''re going to marry this chick? And you think it''s no big deal?¡±


    Emmett leaned forward on the couch and looked up at Luke imploringly. ¡°Please try and understand, Luke. I know it''s upsetting ¨C ¡±


    ¡°Upsetting?¡± Luke looked around for something to hit or throw, but there was nothing nearby. He imagined beating his fists against Emmett''s solid chest and wondered if Emmett would even feel them. Sometimes it seemed like nothing Luke said or did made any impression on him at all.


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    ¡°I''m really sorry,¡± Emmett went on, still earnest. ¡°It''s not what I wanted, and I know it''s not fair to you. It was an accident, but it happened and I ¨C I just want to do the right thing.¡±


    ¡°Why can''t you do the right thing for me?¡±


    Emmett¡¯s face seemed to soften further into sorrow and regret. ¡°I want to, Luke. I try every day but I don''t always know what that is.¡±


    Something in the way Emmett spoke finally drained the fury out of Luke, leaving him limp and exhausted. He slid down the wall to the floor, drawing up his knees and covering his face with his arms. After a moment he felt Emmett beside him and didn''t have the strength to move away this time.


    ¡°It''s just¡­hard,¡± Luke said at last, his voice low and muffled. ¡°Those things you''re giving her ¨C why don''t I get them?¡±


    ¡°I wish you could have everything you want, Luke. But those things are just for appearances. They aren''t ¡­they don''t show what''s in my heart.¡±


    After a long moment, Luke raised his head, his eyes swollen but dry now. ¡°That don''t make it any easier.¡±


    Emmett reached for him again, and this time Luke let himself be lifted from the floor and carried to the couch. Even now, he felt safer and somehow comforted while he was wrapped in Emmett¡¯s arms, but tonight he noticed that Emmett¡¯s breath came heavily, as though holding all of Luke''s weight wasn''t as effortless for him as it had once been.


    ***


    They agreed that the wedding would be in late September, just before the baby was due, so Emmett could stay with Luke for as long as possible. When the album released in mid-summer, Luke began planning another tour to support it ¨C a little shorter than the previous ones, but still playing the largest stadiums and coliseums. It would start in November and last till the following June, with almost a month off over the holidays. Band rehearsals were planned around Emmett''s schedule, starting in August and running until the wedding, with refreshers in October or early November, after the baby''s arrival.


    Luke wasn''t inclined to spread the news about Emmett''s upcoming marriage himself, so most people first heard about it from the media. It was hard not to feel embarrassed, almost humiliated, when he started getting calls from friends and people on his team ¨C surprised, curious, or sympathetic. The next time he saw Eddie, he got a big supportive hug; Laura squeezed his arm compassionately when they met. Luke wanted to snap that this wasn''t a break-up; he hadn''t lost his partner; he didn''t need condolences. But even that was more than he was supposed to say. All he could do was play it cool, talk about how happy he was for his friend, and fall into Emmett''s arms as soon as they were alone.


    During this time Emmett was kinder, gentler and more patient than ever ¨C the exact opposite, Luke often thought, of what would have actually helped. He didn''t have the heart to complain, and it seemed pointless anyway since they only had a few months left together, despite Emmett''s protestations that nothing would change after his marriage. So Luke slowly stopped asking for instructions or permissions, and Emmett barely seemed to notice that he was no longer in control.


    Luke had only met Angela briefly up till now, which was how he liked it. But as band rehearsals began in August, wedding preparations were also ramping up, which apparently required Angela to consult endlessly with Emmett. Often Luke found himself picking up the phone at home and having to make conversation with her while he waited for Emmett to pick up an extension somewhere. He did his best to remain cordial, but some days it felt like the last in a long series of indignities grinding on his nerves.


    Then it got worse.


    Angela showed up at the rehearsal space looking for Emmett while the band was practising, and Emmett excused himself to go and speak to her. Luke was livid. He managed to keep his cool for the rest of the session, but as soon as it ended he pulled Emmett aside.


    ¡°I don''t want her here,¡± he said sharply. ¡°And I don''t want you planning your wedding when you''re supposed to be working. Understand?¡±


    ¡°Sure, Luke,¡± Emmett said. His voice sounded placating but a bit distant, and Luke wondered for a moment if his patience was running thin as well.


    For a couple of weeks they kept an uneasy truce. And then it happened again. Luke looked up from an extended guitar solo during one of their final practices to see a vaguely familiar figure among the others standing around at the back of the rehearsal hall. It took a few moments of disbelief to confirm that the figure was indeed Angela.


    Luke stopped playing mid-note. ¡°What is she doing here?¡± he said loudly.


    On the stage around him, the rest of the band all paused, uncertain. Emmett looked at him, shot a glance at Angela, then took a step forward. ¡°Sh, Luke, it''s okay. She''s just waiting ¨C ¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s not okay.¡± Luke was in no mood to be hushed. ¡°I told you I don''t want her here.¡±


    ¡°She''s not interrupting, man, she''s not in the way. Let''s just keep going.¡±


    Emmett¡¯s attempt to downplay the affront enraged Luke. ¡°No, we''re not going to keep going. I told you ¨C ¡±


    ¡°Keep it down, Luke.¡± Emmett stood close by now, one hand wrapped around Luke''s upper arm and almost lifting him off his feet. ¡°I said I''d take her to ¨C ¡±


    ¡°I don''t care what you told her!¡± Luke wrenched his arm, trying to tear it out of Emmett¡¯s grip. ¡°This is work, I''m in charge here, and I already told you I don''t want that ¨C that ¨C ¡±


    ¡°That what?¡± Emmett hissed in Luke¡¯s face. ¡°You¡¯d better watch what you say. Don''t take it out on her just because ¨C ¡±


    They were struggling now, Emmett forcing Luke to the side of the stage, away from the others, and Luke still trying to yank his arm out of Emmett''s grasp, his voice growing louder and more venomous the more Emmett tried to quiet him.


    ¡°Why shouldn''t I?¡± Luke raged. ¡°She''s the one that ¨C ¡±


    ¡°That''s enough! Don''t talk about her like that ¨C or ¨C ¡±


    ¡°Or what, Em? Or what?¡± Luke finally freed his arm, and used both hands to throw all of his weight against Emmett''s chest. ¡°What are you going to do? Hit me?¡±


    The shove had no impact on Emmett at all, but the words did. In a sudden motion he seized Luke by the front of his shirt, lifting him off the ground, and pushed him up against the wall behind them. ¡°Stop it. Stop it.¡±


    Strangely, infuriatingly, Luke still felt no fear. Even with his feet dangling inches from the floor and Emmett¡¯s biceps taut, strained with tension, it was impossible to feel any sense of danger. He tried to strike Emmett''s chest again, with his fists this time, but he couldn''t reach; Emmett was holding him at a distance that was too far for either of them to do any damage.


    ¡°Let me go,¡± Luke seethed, digging his fingers into Emmett''s forearms.


    Emmett''s eyes were dark and wide, like he couldn''t believe any of this was happening. After a frozen second, he dropped Luke, wheeled around and strode away, toward the back of the room.


    For a moment Luke''s vision blurred; he slumped against the wall and reached up unseeingly to pull down the front of his shirt. When his sight returned, he realized Pete and Gordon were standing beside him.


    ¡°Are you okay?¡± Pete asked, sounding baffled.


    Luke nodded. Far away, across the room from them, Emmett was walking out the door, Angela casting a look back at the band and then following slowly behind him.


    ¡°Want me to¡­should I go after him?¡± Gordon asked quietly.


    ¡°It don''t matter.¡± Luke glanced around the large space, remembering there was a small lounge room just off the main hall, beside the stage. ¡°Tell the guys we''re done for today.¡±


    He headed over to the smaller room, not looking behind him. There was no point trying to continue working. He just needed time to pull himself together before he drove home.


    The lounge held a small sofa and a couple of chairs. Luke threw himself onto his back on the couch and covered his eyes with his hand. After a few minutes he heard quiet footsteps coming into the room.


    ¡°How are you doing?¡± Laura asked.


    He shrugged, not moving his hand, not sure he wanted her company.


    ¡°That looked a little scary.¡± Her voice was concerned and uncertain.


    ¡°It wasn''t,¡± he said shortly.


    It sounded like she''d taken the chair across from him. ¡°I guess things have been tough for you lately,¡± she went on. ¡°Are you sure you''re¡­safe?¡±


    ¡°I''m always safe with him.¡±


    He heard more footsteps just then ¨C slow, heavy ones, approaching the room from outside. In a moment Luke was on his feet, eyes focused on the door. Laura looked confused at first, then recognized the same sound and stood up as well.


    ¡°Luke,¡± Emmett said in a low voice, looming in the doorway.


    Laura looked from Luke to Emmett and back again. ¡°Should I stay? Or¡­¡±


    ¡°It''s okay, Laura,¡± Luke said. ¡°I''ll see you tomorrow.¡±


    She went out, putting a hand lightly on Emmett''s forearm as she passed him. When she was gone, Luke looked down and away, feeling Emmett¡¯s gaze on him.


    ¡°I''m so sorry, Luke.¡±


    Luke was suddenly exhausted. Was it relief, or resignation, or something in between? He dropped back onto the couch. ¡°It''s okay.¡±


    ¡°You were completely right. You''re in charge of rehearsals and you told me you didn''t want Angela here.¡±


    ¡°Why did she¡­¡±


    ¡°She''s got a checkup at the hospital, I told her I''d take her. She just got here a bit early and didn''t know it would be a big deal to wait inside. I''m sorry, I should have told her.¡±


    Luke sighed. It all sounded so reasonable. He reached out, and Emmett came over to take his hands. ¡°I guess I gave away my real feelings to everyone, huh,¡± Luke mumbled.


    ¡°It''s okay, man¡­I think they already knew.¡±


    ¡°I''m sorry I over-reacted.¡± But the words were mechanical; Luke was mostly wondering how he''d face the rest of the band the next day. ¡°Let''s go ¨C ¡±


    Emmett broke in gently. ¡°I still have to take her to the appointment, I just had to talk to you first. I''ll see you at home after, okay?¡±


    They walked back through the rehearsal space together, Luke with an arm around Emmett''s waist mainly for the benefit of anyone who might be left to see them. Probably way too late to stop the gossip anyway, he thought indifferently.


    At the building entrance they met Angela, a small, stylish, attractive woman with black hair and dark skin that matched Emmett''s. She gave Luke a curious glance and frowned a bit at Emmett.


    ¡°I''m gonna go get the car,¡± Emmett said. ¡°Just wait here and I''ll pick you up, Ange.¡±


    Luke instinctively put up his face for the quick peck Emmett usually left him with, then realized his mistake and quickly turned away. When Emmett headed off to the parking lot Luke realized his second mistake ¨C missing the chance to go with him to get his own car. Now he was stuck here alone with Angela, and his face reddened a little as he thought of what she must have seen, if not heard.


    ¡°So, uh, sorry for that weird ¨C ¡± he began awkwardly.


    Angela cut him off, getting up from the bench she''d been resting on. ¡°It''s all right,¡± she said evenly. ¡°I know you don''t like me.¡±


    ¡°Well, I ¨C ¡± Luke started, giving what was meant to be an offhand wave, and then petered off.


    ¡°We don''t have to be enemies. I just need to borrow him for a little while. To get through this.¡± She gestured toward her expanded belly. ¡°Then you can have him back.¡±


    Luke stared at her. ¡°Em said he never¡­¡±


    ¡°He didn''t need to tell me. I know he''s yours.¡±


    Before Luke could respond, Emmett pulled up with a honk of the car horn. Angela walked over and got in, Emmett waved, and the two of them drove away.