《A Series of Oneshots》 A PG-13 Isekai "Ouch..." complained Greg. "Well, lesson learnt. This is what happens when I try to do something heroic. Don''t go being a bloody hero. Now to find a good lawyer and milk that driver''s insurance dry." "Uh... you''ve already been a hero?" asked another voice. "Well, yes. There was a truck heading right for that guy, and I shoved him out of the way, but then the truck clipped my shoulder and I cracked my head on the asphalt." "... You... uh... pushed someone out of the way of the truck? It wasn''t heading for you?" "No? Who are you, anyway? For that matter, where am I? This doesn''t look like a hospital. In fact, it looks more like..." Greg peered around taking in the stone walls, baroque decoration, glowing circle on the floor, and, most importantly, the fact that he was sharing the room with a rather stunning beauty in a flowing white gown, a jewelled silver tiara atop her long, golden hair. "F***ing h**l, did I get isekaied?" he asked, seemingly not noticing the way that parts of his exclamation came out rather oddly. "I take it back! I''m quite happy to shove people out of the way of trucks any time." "Umm... One minute, I need to check something," said the tentative princess, kneeling on the floor and putting her hands together in prayer. Greg simply watched, content to enjoy the view as an ethereal silver light shone around the praying girl. "Okay, it seems there was a slight mix-up, but we can work with this," said the potential princess. "I''m Princess Hannah, the first princess of the human kingdom, and we need your help to fight a demon lord who''s sending legions of monsters to overrun our country." "F***ing awesome!" exclaimed Greg. "What powers do I get? I assume you''re our party''s healer? Who else will be joining us, and will they be as cute as you?" "C... cute?!" exclaimed Hannah. "No, wait... I''m not a healer. There''s no party. You get loads of powers; infinite stamina and mana, for a start. You can use all spells, healing included, and any weapon. You don''t need a party; anyone else would just slow you down." "But the party of cute girls is the entire point! I can''t go off on my own. I don''t even know where I''m going." "Yes you do. Just think ''minimap''." Greg thought ''minimap''. A circular disk popped up in the corner of his vision, showing what appeared to be the outline of the room, along with the layout of the rest of the floor of whatever building he was in. Rather more strangely, a line of white dashes led from his current position, out of the door and down what appeared to be a staircase. "Well, that feels like a cheat," he commented. "Next you''ll be telling me I have fast travel." "Only to places you''ve already been," said Hannah. "And really? You think that''s a cheat, but infinite mana isn''t?" "Well, yes. Infinite mana just means I can do what I could already do, except faster, but having some sort of magical routing just removes half of the challenge." "Excuse me a moment... I need to double check a few things," said Hannah, once again descending to her knees and praying. "You can''t be serious!" she exclaimed a few seconds into the prayer. The way that she paled after another couple of seconds implied that whoever was on the other end of the holy telephone was indeed very much serious. "But... But... I can''t fight..." stammered the now-confirmed princess. "Are... Are you okay down there?" asked Greg. "Hayley?! A knight? But she does makeup. She can''t... Oh, well, I suppose if you''re going to go that far. But why? Well, yes, I suppose it will be novel, and yes, there is the competition from Anya''s whole travel show, but still... Okay, fine then." "Uh... What was that all about?" asked Greg. "Apparently, there''s been a change of plans. I''ll be joining your party after all. Umm... I guess I''ll be in your care? Why don''t we get you outfitted with some equipment while we wait for the rest of the party?" "Awesome. This just keeps getting better. But I do have to ask, who were you just talking to?" "Isn''t that obvious? The goddess of reincarnation. It''s not like there''s anyone else I''d agree to fight demons for... Can I at least put on a more practical dress?" Silver light briefly flickered. "This totally isn''t what I signed up for. Oh well, come on." The princess led the new hero out of the ritual chamber, down cold stone corridors, and into a castle armoury. "Ooo," said Greg, looking around greedily. "Just pick whatever you think suits you," sighed Hannah, who seemed to have lost most of her enthusiasm. "Hmm..." said Greg, eyeing up a rather gaudy set of plate armour. "Are any of them magical?" "Not really. Infinite health, remember? It''s not like demons can hurt you whatever you wear. Just pick based on what looks good." "Hang on, infinite health? No, I do not remember this. You mentioned mana and stamina, nothing about health." "Didn''t I? Ah, right. I wasn''t supposed to mention that yet. Oops." "Why wouldn''t you want to mention that?" "It takes the suspense out of it." "I''m... fairly sure you aren''t doing this right." "You started it! Just grab some armour and a weapon, and let''s go join up with the others." "What about nothing?" "Pardon?" "If I''m invincible, why not just go in naked? Perfect range of movement and if you want to strike fear into the hearts of demons, as flexes go, charging them naked is a pretty cool one." "Nope. I refuse. Putting everyone else aside, I''m not looking at that for an entire adventure." "Suit yourself. Let''s go with this one, then," said Greg, selecting a suit of black plate armour covered in spikes. "I should have guessed..." "Well, are you going to help me get into it?" "No. No, I am not. Just touch it and think ''equip''." "Sheesh. You don''t half take shortcuts for everything here." "Of course. People want to... I mean, the interesting bits are you fighting demons, not spending hours trying to get dressed, or travelling from village to village getting lost and needing to ask for directions every ten minutes." "True, but that''s not really justification," said Greg, touching the suit of armour. It vanished with a pop, reappearing around him in a perfect fit. To complete the look, he picked up a heavy two-hander, the sword forged from the same black metal as the armour, and a similarly spiky guard. It vanished with another pop as he lifted it. "Let me guess; walking around carrying a huge-a**e sword would be inconvenient, so it only comes out when I''m fighting?" he asked with a sigh. "Well, yes. Imagine trying to fit through doorways with something that length strapped to your back." "... Let''s just go and meet the others." The pair departed the armoury, albeit with some difficulty. The sword might have vanished, but the black armour still had foot-long spikes jutting out from shoulders, knees and elbows, so doorways were a difficult proposition. By the time the pair stepped outside, a substantial amount of property damage had been committed. Love this novel? Read it on Royal Road to ensure the author gets credit. "I don''t think we ever expected anyone to actually pick that armour..." muttered Hannah. Greg didn''t answer, being too busy staring backward. "Woah, that''s a cool castle," he opined. "It didn''t look so big from the inside. I suppose a princess wouldn''t be hanging out in any old dump." "Eep!" exclaimed a third voice. "The demon lord is coming here?! No-one said anything about that!" "No, that''s the hero," said a fourth voice. "I think." "Yes, it is," sighed Hannah. "Hayley and Amy, meet Greg. Greg, Hayley and Amy." Greg turned back to face forward. "Bl***y h**l, bikini armour?!" "Eep!" repeated Hayley, diving for cover despite standing in the middle of a wide open courtyard, without so much as a conveniently placed tree to hide behind. "Uh... Is she okay?" asked Greg. "She''s just a bit shy," replied Amy, who was doing her best to remain stoic despite the fact that a grown woman had just forced herself between her legs and was hiding under her robe. "Nice to meet you, o great hero. May our journey be a glorious one." "You must be our mage, then, given the robes and the staff," observed Greg. "So Hayley must be our scout?" "A knight, actually," corrected Hannah. "We don''t really need a scout, since you can lead us straight to the demon lord." "A knight? Don''t knights generally have a little more... umm... coverage? Not that I''m complaining; she''s hot as anything. Heck, you all are. Your refined air is just spellbinding, and Amy can really rock the glasses look." Amy, who had managed to keep a straight face until that point, blushed heavily. "Umm... Thank you?" tried Hannah. "You''re welcome. Hey, are any of you spoken for? We could do some experiments tonight as to how far my infinite stamina really extends." "Pardon?" asked Hannah, whose culture didn''t include that particular usage of ''spoken for''. "You want to... run laps or something?" "What? No, I want to f**k you all senseless." "Pardon?" asked Amy. "Your voice kinda... glitched in the middle there." "Sheesh, if you want to say no, just say no. I can take rejection." "No, I really didn''t hear what you said." "I said, I want to..." started Greg. Silver light briefly flickered. "... brush your hair," he finished. The pair of visible girls blinked. "I suppose you can, if you really want to," said the third, who was still hiding under Amy''s robe. "Were you a hair stylist back home? I''m more into the makeup side of things." "... No," answered Greg, who couldn''t shake the feeling he''d just missed something important. "I''d enjoy that, actually," said Amy. "There''s something relaxing about having your hair brushed." "I think we''re getting sidetracked here," said Hannah. "We should get to the demon slaying. The sooner we set off, the sooner we''ll be done." "Why the rush?" asked Amy. "We don''t get opportunities like this every day. We should take our time and enjoy it." "I doubt there''ll be anything enjoyable about spending all week up to my elbows in demon guts," retorted the princess. "You''re the healer," said Hayley from under Amy''s robe. "You get to keep your distance. I''m the one who''s going to end up covered in guts." "Don''t you think it''s about time you came out from there?" asked Amy. "No." Amy sighed, then lifted her robe and took two steps to the side, revealing Hayley curled up into a ball. Even curled up, there was far more skin exposed than one would usually associate with a knight. Hayley whimpered. "What''s wrong?" asked Greg. "Aren''t you used to this?" "No! Of course I''m not!" shouted back Hayley as she resisted the efforts of Amy to unfold her. "You aren''t? But..." "Okay!" shouted Hannah, interrupting him. "Perhaps we can find Hayley some armour with slightly less exposure?" Silver light flickered once again. "Well, yes, that''s true," she admitted. "It''s not really what she signed up for, though." More silver light circled around. "Okay then. Greg? Do you think you can help? Offer her some reassurance?" "Can''t you fill us in on the other side of the conversation?" he countered. "It sounds like you''re talking to yourself." "Uhh... Sorry, but repeating the words of the goddess without her permission would be blasphemy." Greg''s eyes narrowed. "Was that an excuse? Because it sounded like an excuse." Hannah carefully inspected the floor. "Well, far be it from me to leave a lady suffering such torment," he continued. "Come on, Hayley. You aren''t indecent, and you''re incredibly cute. There''s really nothing to be embarrassed about." Hayley''s head popped up from the concentrated ball of embarrassment. "Really? I don''t look like some sort of role-playing call-girl?" "Well, maybe a little. I''d certainly be willing to..." Silver light briefly flickered again. "... hold your hand, but that in no way detracts from your cuteness." "Oh my. Hand-holding! How lewd!" exclaimed Amy. The head popped back in. "You''re supposed to be helping," complained Hannah. "Telling her she looks like a call-girl is not helping." Greg didn''t respond, on account of once again being subject to a strange sensation of wrongness. He carefully inspected the previous few sentences of conversation, in the hopes of picking up what. And then he finally realised what it was. "How the h**l do you know what a call-girl is?" he asked. "Why shouldn''t I..." started Hannah before spotting her mistake. "Ah..." "Well?" demanded Greg. "I think there''s been a bit of a misconception here..." said Hannah carefully. "We aren''t actually speaking English. You just have an auto-translate ability, similar to your minimap. The translations should get meaning across, but there may be some discrepancies in the details." "Really? And I suppose the logic behind that is that spending hours after my summoning while you try to explain what you want via charades would be boring?" "Something like that." "This goddess of yours is weird. If she can do all this to reduce ''boredom'', why can''t she just blast the demon lord herself? Or would that be even more boring? Boring for who, exactly? It''s not as if demon lord disposal is a spectator sport." Hayley burst into a coughing fit. Greg peered in mounting suspicion. "You know, you''re all behaving rather strangely." "Are we?" squeaked Hannah. "I''m pretty sure we''re not. Nothing suspicious here at all." "I didn''t say suspicious. Was that another translation quirk? I said strangely. Supposedly, demons are overrunning your kingdom, but you don''t seem frightened at all." "Well, yes, we have you. We know you''ll win." "But there''s no sense of urgency, either. Aren''t people dying as we speak?" "If I may?" asked Amy. "Please, explain away," said Hannah, relaxing slightly now that someone else had assumed responsibility. "Then I''d just like to point out that this is a completely different world to where you come from, and your old common sense largely doesn''t apply. I suggest you just roll with things and have a good time." Greg blinked. "I suppose that sounds plausible," he admitted. "Whatever. Let''s just get going." He confidently strode forward, following the dashed line toward a large gate in the castle wall. "Uh... Is that... offer of hand holding still open?" asked Hayley. "Hand holding? Why would I..." started Greg, before remembering that he had indeed suggested it earlier. "Huh. I must be more out-of-sorts than I thought. Well, far be it from me to go back on my word." He held out a hand, which the scantly clad girl took hold of with a heavy blush. "Ooo, scandalous," giggled Amy. "... If you tell me that hand-holding in this world is some sort of s*x thing, I''m gonna get depressed." "No, it''s not," sighed Hannah. "It''s just that we''re generally supposed to minimise interactions with heroes, so touching one is a little... uh... novel." "Heroes? Plural? How often does this happen?" Hannah froze. "And this is why..." she muttered. "Pardon?" "I said a new demon lord is born once a century or so." "Is that why you''re all so nonchalant?" "Probably?" The unlikely group continued down a street, Greg following the dashed line as he admired the fantasy building facades. "Ooo, a potion shop. Can we go in?" "You don''t need potions," pointed out Hannah. "So? I don''t need to buy anything. I just want to look around." Greg released Hayley''s hand and veered off to the side. "Uh... We really need to hurry!" squeaked Hannah as Greg pushed the door open. Unlike most shop doors, it didn''t jingle. "Huh?" said Greg. "If you''re done looking, we should get going," said Hannah. Behind her, Amy snorted as she failed to stifle a laugh. Greg carefully picked up a potion. "It doesn''t have anything in..." he commented carefully. "The bottom two-thirds of the glass are just painted red." "Remember what Amy said about common sense?" said Hannah, growing increasing high pitched. "... You''re all f**king with me," declared Greg flatly. "There are no demons, are there? What is this? Poke fun at the big, dumb Earthling? Or am I actually still on Earth and this is all some carefully constructed candid camera show?" "No... No... Definitely not any sort of show," squeaked Hannah, now sounding like she was mainlining helium. Greg stared at her, then carefully turned around and smashed a window. Behind it, a cameraman screamed and dived away from the rain of glass. "I''m going home," he declared. Hannah sighed. "I said this was a stupid idea... Look, I can''t send you home. Only the goddess can do that." "Hey, goddess! Send me home!" he shouted, before sitting on the floor and crossing his arms. "Does this mean the hair brushing is off the table?" asked Amy, poking her head into the door. "Hair brushing? What has brushing hair got to do with..." started Greg, before remembering that he''d promised that, too. "The heck? Why would I? No, at the time I was... Oh, for goodness'' sake. Don''t tell me this show is aimed at children." "Teens, actually," answered Amy. "Hence poor Hayley''s armour." "So we''re just admitting everything now, are we?" asked Hayley. "Does that mean I can finally change into something less indecent?" "You know, I actually feel sorry for you," admitted Greg. "And also kinda glad I didn''t get to s***w you. I''m no exhibitionist." "Oh goddess, for goodness'' sake, just put this episode out of its misery and send him home," prayed Hannah.
"That was a complete train wreak!" exclaimed Hannah an hour later. "There''s a reason we always summon big, dumb, good-hearted heroes! Now I can''t walk down the street without everyone pointing and laughing at me!" "It was a success, though. Viewing figures are through the roof," said the silver light. "It''s alright for you. You''re omnipresent. You don''t need to deal with the hecklers while walking anywhere, because you''re there already." "Spoken by someone who has never met Anya in person. But personally, that whole episode has given me ideas." "Oh crap..." "How would you feel about an R18 spin-off? Aside from the hero himself, I''ve been having some Interesting ideas about alternate breeding strategies for goblins and orcs, and I''m certain slimes have endless possibilities." "... I quit."
In a hospital bed back in the real world, Greg woke up. The goddess was many things, but she wasn''t a murderer. She''d merely borrowed his soul as he slept. "Well, that was a fucking weird dream..." And, a few rooms over, a nurse screamed. Alas, in the confusion, everyone had forgotten about Greg''s sword, which, in a world without magic, had ejected itself from its interdimensional storage somewhat randomly. An Unusual Asylum "Okay, so here''s your ID badge¡ªdon''t you dare lose it¡ªa couple of spare uniforms, your company pager, and a vital signs monitor." "Wait, what?" asked Dave, dragging his eyes away from his ID badge¡ªthe universal rule that all ID photos had to be awful meant that the picture on it made him look more like one of the institute''s patients than its staff¡ªto peer instead at the last item, which to him looked very much like an ordinary watch. "Only a safety precaution. It basically just monitors your pulse and sends out an alert if it stops." "And... that happens often here? People''s hearts stop beating?" "Not on a regular basis, no. Like I said, it''s just a precaution. Obviously, as a new orderly, you won''t be entering the wings in which we keep our more dangerous patients. Your ID badge won''t even open the doors. That doesn''t exempt you from basic health and safety precautions, though. I trust you''ve already read your on-boarding instructions and memorised the various fire and emergency procedures?" "I have. That was something else I wanted to ask, actually. Why the heck do you have an alarm signal with a response of ''don''t bother trying to evacuate, just call your loved ones as quickly as possible to say goodbye''?" "Only a safety precaution. Better to have it and never use it than to need it and not have it." "And under what possible circumstances would you need that?" "The army launching a nuclear warhead at our facility?" "Ha ha," said Dave flatly. "Very funny." "Yes, you''ll find having a sense of humour makes working here far more bearable," replied his manager, John, in a near monotone that bore no trace of humour whatsoever. "That is, presumably, why I can''t stand this place. In any case, let me call one of your co-workers. You''ll be shadowing her for your first week." He typed a short message into his computer, and a middle-aged lady whose ID badge identified as Sally swept into the office a mere minute later without so much as knocking first. "You must be the new recruit. A pleasure to meet you. It''ll be nice to get back to normal staffing levels again after what happened to Andrew and Terry." Dave blinked. "Uh... And what happened to Andrew and Terry?" "They no longer work at this establishment," said John. "Yeah, hard to work anywhere with your arms torn off," laughed Sally. John glared at her. "Uh..." said Dave. "Is this another joke?" "Another?" asked Sally. "What, John told a joke? I hope you caught it on video, else no-one will ever believe you." "Just get out of here," sighed John. "Blue zones only for now." "Yeah, yeah. Don''t worry. I''ll keep him safe." "So... Uh... Arms torn off?" asked Dave as he followed Sally out of the room. "That was a joke, right?" "Alas not, but don''t worry. It''ll be many years until you find yourself working the black zone, if ever." "The black zone? I''ve read every word of the on-boarding documentation, and there''s no mention of a black zone. There''s the blue zone for harmless patients. Green for the generally safe, yellow for the more dangerous patients, then red for the very worst, with increasing security precautions at each step." "John prefers to hide the best of this place from new staff until they''ve been here a while. Personally, I don''t see the point. It''s not like it affects you in any way you can do anything about. Below red, there''s black, but there''s no need for you personally to worry about the black zone patient, mostly on account of the way that even if you managed to get the airlock open, the guards would shoot you before you took a step inside." "Patient? Singular?" asked Dave, placing the comment about hospital guards employing lethal force against trespassers on the back-burner for the moment. He''d heard the red zone described as their local equivalent of Arkham Asylum, so the thought of something worse was rather horrifying. "Yeah, we only have one in there at the moment, but he''s a doozy. Turns out that if you live a life in which every shadow hides half a dozen assassins out to kill you, you tend to get a bit paranoid. He really doesn''t take well to surprises. But, like I said, no need for you to worry about him. Let me introduce you to your first patient. She''s a lovely young lady." Sally knocked on a plain wooden door, that wasn''t all that different from the door of John''s office. It even had a name tag, which read simply, ''Katie''. "Come in," called a voice from inside. "Good morning, Katie," said Sally, pushing open the unlocked door to reveal a young woman sat on a bed, fiddling with a smartphone. "I''d like to introduce you to Dave, here, who''s going to take over from Terry." "Oh? What happened to Terry?" "He was reassigned." "Pity. Oh well. Nice to meet you, I guess." "And would you like to tell him a bit about yourself?" "Sure, it''s not like I have anything better to do. The name''s Katie, and I got isekaied, died over and over, suffered various horrible traumas, and generally had a very unpleasant time. Thankfully, I eventually managed to get hold of a world-hopper class that let me jump back home. Alas, I only had two open skill slots, and I needed both to get here, so I didn''t have space to pick the skill that would let me keep all my cool powers, so now I have all the trauma and none of the benefits. Of course, without my powers, I have no actual evidence that any of this actually happened, so no-one believes me, but that''s fine. For my own safety, I kinda need somewhere with padded walls to stay until I manage to get out of the habit of committing suicide to cure paper-cuts." Dave blinked. "But your walls aren''t padded," he mumbled. "If you ever feel like you''re having a bad day, pop over here and ask her to list her top five deaths," said Sally. "It''ll cheer you right up. Also, she''s never actually tried to commit suicide, however she speaks." "I did once, actually," corrected Katie. "But I tried to do it by reverse dragon breath, so it didn''t work." "That''s... good?" hazarded Dave. "It''s nice to meet you, in any case." "You too," said Katie, waving the pair off. "That was odd," said Dave once the door was safely closed. "This is an insane asylum," pointed out Sally. "What were you expecting?" "In the blue zone? Anorexia, bulimia, that sort of thing. I wasn''t expecting someone who had constructed a complete alternate reality for themselves." The author''s content has been appropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon. "I wouldn''t call it ''complete'' as such. When you start delving into the details, practically none of it makes any sense. But there''s no reason why she can''t be here; patients are placed into zones based on the danger they pose, not the severity of their symptoms, and she''s no danger to anyone. Or at least, anyone real. I''d strongly advise you against being one of her imaginary fox people. They tend to die rather horribly." "Fair enough," agreed Dave. "So, who else is on our route?" "Her," said Sally, pointing at the next door in the corridor, the name tag upon which declared the occupant to be ''Gentle Breeze''. "Uh..." said Dave. "Is that her real name? Because that does not sound like a real name." "I doubt it, but we don''t know who she really is, and that''s the only name she''s ever given us. She''s convinced the world is being invaded by aliens from a place called Midnight, and she and her ''magical girl'' school friends are the only ones with the power to stop them." "Any chance she''s right? We had Gigaman around for a while, before his sudden disappearance, so she wouldn''t be the first superpowered hero that popped up." "It doesn''t seem likely. None of the details check out: her school doesn''t exist, her friends don''t exist, a few buildings she claims to have accidentally demolished while fighting monsters never existed, and besides, if there was fighting going on that was violent enough to destroy entire buildings, someone would have noticed. In any case, that''s not the reason she''s here. If we started locking people up simply for having overinflated opinions of themselves, we''d need to lock up half the planet. It''s more to do with her habit of stripping..." Alas, her habit was never fully explained, because an alarm chose that moment to blare loudly through the facility. Sally sighed. "And what does that one mean?" she asked calmly. "Get to shelter immediately!" exclaimed Dave, who was far less sanguine about the situation. "Uh... down that corridor, on the right." "Oh, you even memorised the maps. Nice." "Shouldn''t we hurry? Is this just a drill?" "Nah, doubt it''s a drill. Not at this time of the morning. Probably one of the new assignees to the black zone screwed up. Let''s just get to shelter." The pair walked briskly along the corridors, clicks sounding from either side of them as the patients'' rooms locked themselves. "Shouldn''t we get the patients to shelter, too?" asked Dave. "No time. Besides, even here in the blue zone, their rooms are pretty sturdy." "Oh, the new kid!" exclaimed another voice, a bald guy wearing the same white orderly''s uniform coming down the corridor from the opposite direction. "Welcome to your first security scare." "And in his first ten minutes, too," said Sally. "Must be some sort of record." "Nah. Bob got his before John had even handed over his ID badge." "Really? Unfortunate." "Quite funny watching John trying to work out if he should be treated as an employee or visitor, though. Who''d have thought that safety procedures could suffer from race conditions?" "So, this happens often enough that no-one feels the need to take it seriously?" asked Dave, unsure whether to be reassured or terrified by his co-workers unconcernedly bantering in the corridor. "Oh, we take it seriously, alright," denied Sally. "It''s just that..." She paused for a moment while the building shook, causing enough noise to drown out her voice. "... the procedures are all nothing but theatre," she finished, once the earthquake had stopped. "We''re not in an earthquake zone," pointed out Dave as the group made a silent but unanimous decision that they''d prefer to be on the other side of the shelter''s doorway. More staff rushed in behind them. "What was that?" There came a thump and a click as someone pulled the heavy metal door shut. "That was bad news," said the bald guy. "What the hell did the new black zone idiots do this time? I really hope he isn''t having a psychotic break..." "Oh no... He wouldn''t... Surely no-one can be that stupid," mumbled another member of staff, one of the half-dozen who''d crowded in after Dave''s group. He glanced at her name badge, which identified her as a Susan. The building rumbled again. "Just how strong is this shelter?" asked Dave. "Should we be worried?" "It''s more of a hidey-hole," answered Sally. "It''s not intended to be strong, as such. Just to keep us out of sight. But putting that aside for the moment, what was that about someone being stupid, Susan? Do you know something?" Susan jerked at the unexpected address. "Uh... I don''t know anything. It''s just... When he got in earlier, Kevin was talking about a surprise party he was planning to celebrate someone''s birthday." "Kevin? The one who took over from Andrew?" "Yes, that''s the one." "The one who, today, is working a shift in the black zone?" Susan nodded. "The zone whose sole occupant happens to have a birthday today?" Susan nodded again while the faces of everyone in earshot grew progressively paler. "Why in the nine hells didn''t you punch him in the face?!" "Because I didn''t think anyone could be so bloody stupid! I assumed it was just a coincidence! If I''d thought for a moment that he was actually going to try throwing a surprise birthday party for him, I''d have alerted security instantly!" Dave blinked, feeling that the conversation had rather drifted away from him. Another rumble caused a fine rain of concrete dust to drift down from the ceiling. "Uh... Would this be a bad time to mention that I saw him this morning with a bag of party poppers?" asked another member of staff. The crowd of already pale faces turned the colour of fresh snow. "... There may also have been a small firecracker." "They''re playing the wrong alarm," said someone as the building underwent its biggest shudder yet. "It should be the we''re-all-doomed one. There''ll be no calming him down after this. The military will need to intervene." "Uh... While I rather suspect that I don''t want to know the answer, just who, exactly, is this black zone patient?" asked Dave with utmost care. "The way you''re all talking, he sounds like..." With an almighty crack, the ceiling split in half, a massive rent running from wall to wall. It was wide enough to see through, revealing that the concrete was a good three feet thick. It also revealed a face, peering down through the gap, landing on each of the hiding staff members in turn. The face was attached to a body, as faces generally were. An incredibly muscular body, clad mostly in torn canvas with a side helping of thick chain. However, in that body''s right hand was another face, which, while attached to the rest of a head, was definitely missing its other usual accompaniments. It was also rather obviously dead. Both faces withdrew. "... Gigaman," finished Dave, wiping off a splash of blood that had landed on his cheek, dripping from above. "Poor sod," said Susan. "No way is the corporate life insurance going to pay out for that," said the bald guy. "They''ll claim it was reckless behaviour." "Wonder who they''re going to give the black zone to next? We''re running out of qualified staff." "Running out? You think that imbecile was qualified? We''re lucky he didn''t get us all killed! Thank goodness for the higher ups introducing the policy of distinct uniforms for the black zone, so he doesn''t think we''re part of the same organisation." "How are you all so... blas¨¦?!" complained Dave. "The black zone inmate is Gigaman? And he just killed an orderly?!" "Just because his body is bulletproof, it doesn''t mean his mind is," pointed out Sally. "With all his crime fighting, he made enemies quickly. Powerful enemies, and lots of them. It got to the point he was dealing with multiple assassination plots per day. And, being bullet proof, they weren''t your traditional gangster drive-by-with-an-uzi plots, either. A few years of that, and, well, can you really blame him for jumping at shadows? He was admitted here after the Paris incident, and we can''t refuse to treat him just because he can tear straitjackets apart like paper." "But he just killed Kevin!" "... Kevin tried to throw a surprise party for a clinically paranoid superhero. I suspect his death certificate is going to record death by misadventure. He may even be in line for a Darwin award." Dave blinked. "Why the hell did I accept this job? Wait, the Paris incident? Are you talking about that terrorist bombing a few years ago? That was targeting Gigaman?" "Uh... Not targeting, as such. More like, it was Gigaman. Some bright spark built a titanium cell in the sewer, pitfall trap in the middle of the road right above it, dropped Gigaman in it, then dropped another block of titanium on his head to ''seal him in''. It didn''t work, but they did succeed in triggering his first psychotic break. The authorities blamed terrorists to save face." Dave blinked again. "If I survive today, I''m quitting." Sally grinned evilly. "Tell me, do you have any idea why we''re all still here despite the significant death rate?" "... Because you''re selfless and charitable, and believe everyone should be given a chance?" "Oh, how I miss being so young and na?ve. Sorry, but you''re stuck here along with the rest of us. This is your life now." "Hey, the earthquakes have stopped," pointed out Susan. "Think he calmed down?" There was a moment of silence as everyone in the room strained their ears, listening for the sounds of distant destruction. "That, or he''s left the premises," answered the bald guy, who couldn''t hear anything. "Yay. We survive another day. Oh well, back to work. Let''s check on the patients." "What, right now? Shouldn''t we wait for an all-clear? For someone else to get him back to his room?" "After all that, do you think his room still exists? Nah, he''ll prowl around outside while we quickly rebuild¡ªmost of the black zone is prefabbed, so they''ll helicopter in replacement sections¡ªand then Kevin''s replacement will bait him back in with cheeseburgers. Just... no sudden moves, no loud noises, and for the sake of all that is holy, no surprise parties." Dave nodded quickly, then caught himself and nodded again at a far slower pace. "So... why is he even in a normal facility in the first place? I know this place is kinda in the middle of nowhere, but why have other patients here at all?" "Normal facility?" asked Sally. "Ah, right. I should probably explain why there''s no-one with anorexia in the blue zone, shouldn''t I..." Dave, realising just what he''d got himself into, resisted the urge to sob.