ã€ŠDave vs The Devil - [Urban Fantasy/Comedy][B2 Complete]ã€‹


 Chapter 1: The Bet

    Hi, I''m the Devil! That''s my title, not my name. My name is Dave. Dave Daverson. I know it sounds stupidly redundant, but I can''t change who I am. Well, technically, I can, and I did. I''m the Devil now!

    It''s not quite what it''s cracked up to be. Sure, I''m in charge of millions of demons, but I do have to follow rules. One of those rules being that there is always paperwork. Paperwork for decisions, paperwork for results, and paperwork for why I spent an hour in the bathroom last Friday.

    Give me a break! All the food down here is spicy! Even the pudding! Do you have any idea how hard spicy pudding is on a human digestive system? You don''t want to.

    How did I become the Devil? I made a bet with Lucifer, the original Devil. The OG. And I won. That''s the short version.

    For the long version, we''ll have to go all the way back to yesterday evening, which might as well have been ten years ago; it feels so long. Well, technically, it was ten years ago in my lifespan, but we''ll get to that later.

    It was Halloween night, so I did what every single man in his early to mid thirties does when he lives alone in an apartment. I streamed crappy horror movies and drank. But don''t worry, I ate food too. Popcorn is a vegetable, right?

    It was my third movie and my second six-pack. I was watching this extremely low budget film called "The Devil''s Hand." It was about a guy who made a bet with the devil. The movie throws a few twists and turns at you until the hero, Chad Chaderson, beats the devil. Psyche! Apparently, it was all a fake out by the devil to give him a false sense of victory, before crushing his dreams and his body into dust.

    "Bah! That''s so dumb! I could do that!" I said casually, as one does. I got a call from an unknown number on my phone. Normally I don''t answer my phone, but I got the call after I said a dumb horror movie line, so some part of me wondered if it was the devil calling me out on what I said.

    I picked up the phone. Before the person on the other line could say anything, I said, "Is this the devil?"

    The person on the other end didn''t say anything for a while, but eventually responded. "You sucked all the fun out of it! I was going to say, ''Oh yeah? Prove it,'' but you already guessed it was me, you jackass. Yes, this is the devil! Now, do you want to make that bet or not?"

    "Uh, sure I guess. What should it be about, though?" I wondered.

    "I have an idea!" The devil offered.

    "No, you shut up. You''re the devil. If you choose the bet I''ll lose automatically. Give me a second to think," I said.

    "Wow. No one''s ever told me to shut up before. It feels¡­bad."

    "Sorry, I just really don''t want to lose this bet," I told him.

    "I get it, but geez. Ouch," he said.

    "Oh, I got it!¡± I exclaimed. ¡°What about a ''you can''t kill me'' bet?"

    "That sounds fun, but too easy. I could snap my fingers right now and kill you. Make it harder," he said.

    I thought long and hard. How could I make a bet where I outsmart the devil? There was only one way to win. With a trick. I thought for a while longer, and then I had it.

    "Hey, guy. You still there?" The devil asked.

    "Okay. What if the bet was ¡®you can''t kill me at 7 pm tomorrow night?¡¯ 7 pm in my time zone. You can''t say it''s 7 pm in China and kill me then. Wouldn''t count," I said.

    "Hmm. Interesting. It sounds like you have some sort of trick up your sleeve. I like it. I guarantee you there''s nothing you can do to beat me, but you''re welcome to try," he answered.

    "Before we start, I have some questions and a request," I said.

    "I''m not guaranteeing I''ll answer or grant your request, but if I do, I''ll tell you and I''ll be honest. There''s nothing I hate more than lying. Tricking people with honesty I''m all for, but pure lying defeats the purpose of the game. It''s cheating. Plain and simple. And I do not abide by cheating," he said. "If you lie to me, you will immediately forfeit the integrity of the bet, and receive no reward."

    "That¡¯s good to know. Okay, first off. Do you have the ability to read minds?" I responded.

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    "Yes."

    "Will you agree not to read my mind for the entire duration of the bet, including the time that I used to come up with the idea for the bet?" I said.

    "I can''t turn back time and unread your mind if I did, but I assure you I haven''t read your mind and I will not for the entirety of the bet. I consider mind-reading cheating as well. You''re not outsmarting someone if you just peek into their mind to find out what they''re thinking. My father did that shit to me all the time and I hated it," he said.

    "Wow, that sucks, and fair enough. Can you bring people back to life? For instance, if I were to die before 7 pm, could you bring me back, just to kill me again so you could win?" I asked.

    "No, I can''t do that. Only my father can do that," he said.

    "Okay, cool. Also, I''d like to determine my prize for winning," I said. "I assume your prize for winning is my soul."

    "Naturally," he said. "Now tell me, what do you want?"

    "I want three wishes," I said.

    "I can''t do three. I can do one though," he answered.

    "I want one wish, but if you don''t fulfill it exactly as I intended it, I get another wish. And you don''t get to read my mind to find out what I meant," I said. "You have to interpret what I meant. I will never lie about what I want though."

    "Hmm. Very tricky. I love it! Done and done. Now all you have to do is make the bet," he said.

    "Okay, I bet you can''t kill me at exactly 7 pm tomorrow night in the time zone I''m in at the time," I said.

    "Awesome! See you soon!" He hung up.

    "See you soon?" I froze as the devil appeared in front of me. Or at least I assumed he was the devil, because he was the last person I talked to and he said he''d see me soon. He looked like a normal human man. An impeccably well-dressed human man, but a human man nonetheless. He was a tall, handsome, fair-skinned man with wavy black hair, wearing a black suit, white shirt, and a black bow tie with golden dollar signs on it. I didn''t love the bow tie, but who was I to judge the man''s taste in ties? Tie choice is a very personal thing.

    "Hey, friend!" He said, putting his hand out to shake. "I go by my official title ''The Devil'' down below, but you can call me Lucifer or Lucy, just know that I prefer Lucifer."

    I shook his hand hesitantly. "Surprisingly, I can say it''s nice to meet you, Lucifer. This is by far the most interesting social encounter I''ve ever had. I''d say it was worth making the bet, just for this. My name is Dave."

    "It''s nice to meet you, Dave," he said with a wide grin. "So what''s on the agenda for tonight?"

    "Honestly? I was just going to watch another movie, and then try to get a good night''s rest," I said.

    Suddenly, an alarm went off on my phone. I turned it off and immediately walked to the bathroom and opened the medicine cabinet.

    "What was that?" Lucifer asked.

    "My alarm to take my heart medication. I have to take it at 7 pm every night. Otherwise, I could get a blood clot and die. I have a congenital heart defect," I said.

    "Oh, I''m sorry, man. Why don''t you just stop taking it, though? If you died, then you''d win the bet," he said.

    "I already thought of that," I said. "I figure you could probably make the blood clot go away as soon as I start showing signs. That and I hear it''s an incredibly unpleasant way to go."

    "You''re right. I could disappear the blood clot," he said.

    "Couldn''t you just heal my heart defect?" I said.

    "I could, but it would take a lot of juice and I''m not a charity worker," he responded.

    "Fair, I guess," I said. I took my medicine and then walked into the kitchen. "I need to start getting dinner ready. Just watch TV while you wait."

    "Fine by me," he said. He grabbed the remote and turned on another horror movie. It was called "Deal With the Devil." Super original, right? This one was also about a deal with the devil rather than a bet.

    I got stuff out of the fridge and pulled out a cutting board and a big knife. I put my hand down on the cutting board and slit my wrist. I tried to stifle a scream from the pain. It came out as a whimper. Blood spurted everywhere.

    The idea here was if I killed myself before 7 pm the next day, then Lucifer couldn''t kill me at that time, allowing me to win the bet. Sure it would cost me my life, but I hadn''t thought that far ahead at the time of the bet. Dying before he could kill me was the only way I could think to win, and losing meant giving up my soul.

    "What was that?" Lucifer asked, without looking around. "You sound like you just stubbed your toe."

    "No! Nothing like that. Just slitting my wrist," I said. I would have lied in this situation, but Lucifer had specifically stated I couldn''t lie or the bet was forfeit.

    "Oh, is that all?" Lucifer said. "Wait, what? Dave, what are you thinking?" He got up off the couch and began to run over.

    My sight started to get blurry and dark. I could feel myself passing out. Eventually, my legs gave out from under me and I fell to the floor. The last thing I saw before everything went black was Lucifer rushing over to me, saying, "Dave! Dave, are you alright? Well, obviously not. You''re bleeding out!" Then lights out.

    <hr>

    You may be asking yourself why I took the bet in the first place. Why did I put a timer on the rest of my life and sentence my soul to eternal damnation? The answer is simple. I had nothing to live for. And I knew I wasn''t going to Heaven the normal way.

    So I figured if I won this bet, I could find a way to get myself into Heaven another way. It may or may not have been as easy as wishing myself into Heaven, but if it wasn''t, I would figure it out.

    As long as I stayed sober, I could figure out anything. That was the rub, though. I had a hard time doing that.

    Either way, I was at the end of my rope. I lost my job that last Friday, because of course they fired me on a Friday. They must have read that article saying that there was less chance of an incident if you fired someone on a Friday.

    Before that, I lost my girlfriend Sarah of seven years. Seven years! I thought we were forever, but one argument about how we were going to pay our bills and she was done with me.

    I doubt it was just that one argument, though. I had been doing a lot of drinking lately, due to losing my poker career, which I lost coincidentally, to drinking. I''m sure that didn''t help much.

    So, yes, I was throwing my life away, figuratively and literally, but I wanted out. I didn''t want to live this shitty life anymore, and I just wanted to retire to the endless poker game in the sky.

 Chapter 2: The Pit

    I opened my eyes and blinked. Lucifer was standing over me. "You''re alright, buddy. Come on. Let me get you up," he said. He put his left hand out, I grabbed it, and he pulled me up. I looked at my left wrist. It was smooth like nothing happened. The cut was gone. Then I looked at the cutting board. It was covered in blood, and so was the floor.

    "How did you save me?" I said. "And why?"

    "I can''t have you dying before I can kill you. Then you would win the bet. I just healed your wound and regenerated more blood for you."

    "Huh," I said. "I guess that makes sense. So you can heal cuts and regenerate blood. What about brain injuries? Like if I were to stab myself in the brain, would you be able to prevent me from dying?"

    "Yeah, I would. Brain injuries usually aren''t instant kills like people assume they are. If your body was fully disintegrated by a bomb or something, sure. I wouldn''t be able to bring you back from that, but a simple brain injury is no problem for me," he said.

    I grabbed a bottle of wine off the rack in my kitchen. I needed a drink. I uncorked the bottle, pulled the cork off the corkscrew, and threw it in the trash, laying the corkscrew on the counter.

    "Are you sure?" I said, drinking straight from the bottle.

    "Do you want to test it?" He replied.

    "Let me get drunk first, and then we can test it," I said.

    "How long is that going to take?" Lucifer asked.

    "About a minute," I replied, chugging the wine until only half the bottle was left.

    "Won''t that interfere with your heart medication?" He asked.

    "Probably, but it hasn''t yet," I said.

    "Ok. Are you ready yet?" Lucifer asked as he picked up the corkscrew.

    "I''ll never be ready to be stabbed in the brain, but I''m as ready as I''ll ever be," I said.

    "Ok, hold still," he said. He unfurled the metal spiral prong of the corkscrew and placed it in his hand, so the prong stuck out of his fist. He grabbed me by the head and pulled his arm back.

    "Where are you putting that?" I asked, a little alarmed.

    "In through your eye. Where else would I put it?" He said.

    "Why not go in through the temple?" I said.

    "It''s not as easy as everyone thinks. There''s a lot of muscle tissue there to dig into. The eye is soft and easily perforated. Just hold still. It''ll be over and done with faster than you can say, ''Ow, ow, ow, that''s my eye.''" He said.

    He plunged the metal prong into my eye. He pushed and pushed and then pulled. The pain was excruciating. When he pulled his hand back, my eye and a bit of spongy tissue were attached to the prong.

    "Is that?" I said, on the edge of passing out.

    "Brain tissue? Yes. Let me heal you." He waved his hand in front of my face and my vision came back in my right eye. I didn''t feel like I was passing out anymore. "All better."

    The devil held my eye up to my eye and said, "Now, do you see? Even pierced brain tissue can''t kill you before I can heal you."

    "I see," I said. "That really hurt."

    "You made the bet. Now live with it," he said. He put the corkscrew down on the counter.

    I thought about what he just did. He saved my life. Twice. Wait. This meant he would save my life every time. No matter what happened or what I did. Maybe I couldn''t win the bet, but I could use this. I put my shoes on and grabbed my coat, my wallet, my keys, and a knife from the kitchen. I stuffed the knife in my jacket pocket.

    "Where are we going?" Lucifer said.

    "The Pit," I said.

    We walked down several blocks and came to an alley. I walked down the alley to where there was a burly man with a long beard standing by a door with a red carpet rolled out in front of the door. The man looked me and the devil up and down and said, "State your business."

    "I want to go inside," I said with a smile on my face.

    "You don''t belong here. Get lost," he said.

    "What if I have the password? Does it matter what I look like then?" I said.

    "No, but you don''t have the password," he said.

    "No, I don''t, but you''re going to let me in anyway," I said pulling the knife out of my jacket.

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    "Really?" The bouncer said. He pulled out a knife of his own that he flicked open.

    "Yes, really," I said. "Let me in or this is going to get ugly."

    "For you, it will," he said.

    I slowly approached him with the knife at my side. When I got within a few feet, he lunged forward and stabbed me in the stomach. It hurt. A lot. But I was still alive. I dropped the knife and punched him in the face. He laughed and stabbed me again. I stuck my knuckle out and punched him in the eye. His hand went up to his eye. I punched him in the throat. He got angry and stabbed me again and again until my shirt was covered in blood, but still, I stood before him.

    "Are you on something? How are you still standing?" He said.

    I lifted my shirt up to show no stab wounds. "I''m fine. See?" I said.

    "What the hell? How?" He experimentally stabbed me again and pulled his knife out. The wound sealed right in front of his eyes. "No way. You''re not human. What are you?!?!" He slashed and stabbed at me to no effect.

    I headbutted him and broke his nose. He fell backward onto his back. I grabbed him by the collar and said, "Let me in!"

    "Over my dead body!" He said. He pulled a gun and shot me several times in the chest. The bullets knocked me back a few steps. He got up and put the gun against my forehead. "Get out of here or I''ll shoot you in the head. There''s no way you can heal from that."

    I looked at the devil. "Is he right?" I said.

    "Yeah. While I can heal many types of head injuries, bullets to the brain aren''t one of them. We should go back," he said.

    "No. Do something to prevent him from shooting me in the head or he''ll kill me and I''ll win the bet. Make me invincible. I''m not backing down. If I can''t win this bet, I''m going to have a good time with my last 24 hours," I said gritting my teeth.

    "Fine," the devil said. He snapped his fingers. "There."

    "Good," I said. I didn''t know what he did, but I knew I wasn''t going to die anymore. This was my real goal all along. Not going into The Pit. I was still going in, but that''s not why I was here. I was here to trick the devil into making me invincible to physical harm. I grabbed the gun and held it tight against my head. "Shoot me! Or let me in! Your choice, asshole!"

    "Ok," he said. He pulled the trigger and the gun went off. My head whipped back and I was staring at the sky. I tilted my head back down to look at the man. He looked at me in shock and horror.

    "No way," he said. "That''s not possible." He looked at the gun and then he looked at me. He lifted the gun and emptied the rest of the clip against my head.

    I reached up and peeled the flattened bullets off my forehead one by one, ominously, trying to intimidate the man in front of me. After I was done, I looked him in the eyes and said, "Let me in, before I end you."

    "I don''t want to die, but I can''t let you in," he said.

    "Then I''ll just let myself inside," I said. I stepped past him and grabbed the handle of the door. He pushed against the door. I headbutted him again and broke his nose a second time. He fell over holding his nose and crying. "Now, stay down." I opened the door and held it open for the devil. Lucifer walked past me.

    "Thanks," he said.

    "No, thank you," I said. I walked inside and closed the door behind me.

    We walked down a flight of stairs into a noisy club full of flashing lights. Everyone in there was either a skinhead or a biker and they all sported some form of Nazi clothing or tattoo. The Pit. The city''s fight club run exclusively by and for neo-Nazis. One of the most dangerous and terrible places in the city. They all stopped and stared at me and Lucifer. "Hi," I said. Then they shook their heads and looked away.

    I walked up to the bar. The bartender looked at me over his glasses and said, "What are you having?"

    "Pour me the nastiest shot you have," I said.

    "Ok. One Devil''s Donut coming up," he said.

    "Actually, make it two," I said. "One for my friend, Lucifer."

    "That''s not funny," the bartender said. His name tag said, Raphael.

    "It''s not a joke," I said. "His real name is Lucifer. His father named him that."

    Lucifer pulled out his wallet and pulled a driver''s license out of it. He showed it to Raphael, who said, "Lucifer Morningstar." He grabbed the ID from Lucifer and ran it under a black light and some sensors. "Are you sure this is real?" After he had run it through a few tests, he said, "I guess it is real. Weird. Ok, I guess I will pour a shot for Lucifer." He gave Lucifer a look he didn''t notice. Just a brief narrowing of the eyes.

    Raphael pushed up his glasses that momentarily glinted brilliantly in the low light of the bar. Then he changed the angle of his head, the brilliance went away. The light must have been reflecting off his glasses directly into my eyes. Raphael pulled out a small measuring tool and poured different liquors into it and poured them into a shaker. He shook the concoction up and poured it into three shot glasses.

    "I only asked for two," I said.

    "I know. This one''s for me," he said grabbing the third shot glass.

    "Cheers!" I said.

    "Cheers!" Lucifer said.

    "Cheers!" The bartender, Raphael, said.

    I looked at my shot. It was filled with black liquid, but inside the black liquid, was red liquid in the shape of a donut, and the shot was steaming hot. We all threw back our shots. Man did it burn. Holy shit. That was the harshest burn I''d ever felt. That really was a nasty shot. Although, I assumed a shot named after the devil''s butthole would burn.

    "Damn, that''s good!" I said.

    "Thanks. I came up with it myself," Raphael said. "I made it to commemorate someone I never thought I''d see again."

    "Huh. A friend?" I said.

    "More like a brother," he said looking at Lucifer.

    "I''m looking to fight in the pit," I said. "How do I sign up?"

    "With me," Raphael said. He pulled out a sign-up sheet and pointed at an empty line. "Sign here. The Pit is not responsible for any death, injury, or dismemberment that may occur in the ring."

    "Is that legally enforceable?" I said signing my name.

    "Legally no, but illegally, yes. Very," he said, giving me a grim look.

    "Ok, fine," I said, throwing my hands up. "Didn''t mean to offend."

    "None taken," he said, pulling the sheet out of my hands. He pulled a microphone out of nowhere and spoke into it. "Will the next two fighters please make their way to the ring now? Dave, uh, Daverson, and Phil "The Fill" O''Malley." He read off the sheet.

    The pit was further into the bar. I made my way over to the pit. Lucifer grabbed my shoulder. "Are you sure you want to make enemies with these people? They''re Nazis."

    "I appreciate your concern, but if I can''t make enemies with Nazis, then who can I make enemies with?" I said.

    "That''s fair, I suppose," he said.

    I walked down into the pit on a ramp. My challenger did the same. Then the ramp was tilted up until it became another vertical wall of the pit. My challenger was well over 6 feet tall and burly and over weight. This wasn''t normally an advantage, but it did mean gut shots wouldn''t do as much damage.

    Raphael walked up to the pit and said, "Now you both know the rules."

    "No. No, I don''t," I said. Sure, I''d heard rumors about this place being a Nazi fight club, but I didn''t know there were specific rules.

    "Oh. Well, the rules are that there are no rules. Fight until the other person can''t or won''t fight anymore," he said. "Begin!" He hit a bell with a hammer to start the fight.

 Chapter 3: Apocalypse

    Phil "The Fill" O''Malley''s fist came rocketing towards my face. Instinctively I started to duck until I remembered I was invincible. Then I slammed my face into his fist. I heard bones pop, crack, and break.

    "Fuck, my fist!" Phil said.

    "I''d rather not fist fuck you unless I''m getting paid to do it," I said. "I don''t clip my nails as often as I should."

    I bent my knees then popped up and uppercutted Phil in the chin. Phil stumbled back and felt his chin. His hand came back bloody. "Ow," he said. "You just made me bleed!"

    "I''m sorry?" I said. "Wait!"

    Phil stopped mid-swing. "What?"

    "Raphael!" I yelled.

    "Yes?" He answered.

    "Can I still bet on myself?" I said.

    "Uh, sure. I guess. How much?" He said.

    I opened my wallet and pulled out two hundred dollar bills because that''s all that was in there. "Two hundred!" I tried to hand the money up to Raphael but it was too far.

    Raphael lied down on the ground next to the pit and stuck his arm through the caging surrounding the ring. "Come closer."

    I pressed myself against the wall of the ring and extended my arm as far up as it would go. "That''s all I got."

    "Tippy toes!" He said.

    I got on my tippy toes and pushed the money up. He finally grabbed it out of my hand.

    "Thanks," he said. "Alright, go back to fighting."

    I started to turn around when Phil''s fist impacted my head. His knuckles popped against my head but nothing broke because I wasn''t leaning into it.

    "Ow!" He said. "What''s wrong with your head?"

    I kicked him in the side of the knee, tearing his ACL and LCL, and sending him to the ground. I punched him in the face and a few of his teeth flew out of his mouth. I stepped back and let him try to get to his feet. He barely stood up on one leg. He threw one last punch that I dodged and I uppercut him so hard that he lifted into the air and slammed onto his back on the hard concrete floor of the pit. He didn''t move after that. Everyone was silent after that.

    Something landed on my face. I picked it off and looked at it. It was a hundred-dollar bill. Then I saw nine more on the ground. Raphael had thrown my winnings at me from above. I must have had 5 to 1 odds.

    "I call cheating!" A guy jumped down into the pit and landed next to me. He was a little shorter than me with balding red hair and a crooked nose. He poked me in the chest. "What are you using? A four-leaf clover? A rabbit''s foot? Maybe a voodoo doll? No one takes hits like that from "The Fill" and walks away!"

    "I don''t know what you''re talking about, little guy," I said.

    "Little guy? I''ll show you a little guy!" He said.

    "Whoa, whoa, whoa! I don''t want to see your penis!" I said.

    "I''m not going to show you my penis, you idiot! I''m going to do this!" He said. He slowly grew taller and more muscular until he was a buff 6''5" Irish man with a long red beard and gold horns.

    "What the hell?" I said.

    "What, you''ve never seen a leprechaun before?" He said grinning. He was massive. His fist was as big as my head.

    "Uh, no, obviously not. I feel the need to say this despite you already answering this question. Leprechauns are real?" I said.

    "Of course, they''re real. Where do you think you are right now?" He said.

    "A Nazi bar?" I said.

    "A Nazi bar? Ha! That''s just something we do to scare away tourists. You''re not a tourist are you?" He said.

    "Me? A tourist? No way," I said unconvincingly.

    "He''s a tourist! Lock it down!" He said. Someone pulled a lever. Alarms blared and red lights flashed. The leprechaun tried to grab me. "Come here, you little tourist!"

    "No! Get away from me! Stranger danger!" I said. I dodged out of the way of his grasp.

    "Dave! We need to get out of here, now!" Lucifer said.

    "Yeah, no duh!" I said.

    I ran up the wall of the pit, grabbed the edge, and began to pull myself up. The leprechaun grabbed my leg and tried to pull me down. "No! Stop that!" I said. I kicked him in the face, knocking him back.

    "Ow, my nose!" The leprechaun said as he shrunk back down to his smaller size. Wait, did hitting him in the nose make him shrink? Better store that away for later in case I run into more.

    I climbed through the caging around the pit and flipped over onto my back. Lucifer pulled me up. I looked around the bar as the patrons began to transform. One turned into a massive furry creature that I can assume was a werewolf. Another turned into a pale white humanoid with black eyes and pointy ears. Not sure what that was.

    Then I looked to my left and saw a dude in a fighting stance staring at me. He began to morph and change. He got skinnier and taller. His clothes disappeared and then reappeared, black and raggedy. His skin got pale white and his lips and the skin around his eyes turned black. His hair turned black and spiky and wavy at the same time. Once the transformation was complete, he looked at himself and then he looked at me.

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    "What the fuck, dude?" He said.

    "What? You''re acting like I did that to you," I said.

    "I''m supposed to turn into your deepest darkest fear!" He said.

    "What? Emo kids were really mean to me in high school," I said.

    He looked like an emo kid from my high school days. He specifically looked like my biggest bully, Charlie. He was this emo kid who''d always call me a normie and a prude, and would knock shit out of my hands and rip my backpack open, spilling everything onto the ground. I always wondered why he picked on me so much, but thinking about it now, I''m pretty sure he had a crush on me. He never said he was gay, but why else was I the only person he ever bullied? He also slapped my butt and squeezed my balls a lot. I didn''t think much of it at the time since it hurt, but he was probably sexually harassing me. Damn you, Charlie!

    "This doesn''t feel right," the guy said in Charlie''s voice as he looked at his painted black fingernails. "And why do I have an overwhelming attraction to you. I want to kiss you, but I also want to punch you. This feels weird!"

    "I''m sorry turning my fears against me didn''t work out for you, but I have bigger problems to worry about!" I said. I kicked him in the stomach sending him flying back.

    "Come on!" Lucifer said, grabbing my hand and pulling me toward the entrance.

    Two large men stood in front of us and transformed into red skinned demons. They were tall and spindly with long fingers, wearing red suits with black shirts. They grabbed me and Lucifer and one of them said, "We''re sorry sir, but you''re going to have to come with us."

    "Kevin? Dale? Stand down this instant! I am your commander-in-chief!" Lucifer said.

    Several more patrons transformed into demons as well until we were surrounded by them. "This is for your own good." They said to the devil.

    As they closed in, there was a brilliant flash of white light. It knocked back all the demons to the ground, but left me and Lucifer standing. Raphael walked through the bright light and said, "Things are getting hairy. I need to get you two out of here."

    "Who are you?" Lucifer said.

    "Do you not recognize your own brother?" Raphael said.

    "I have many brothers. Which one are you?" Lucifer said.

    "It''s me, Raphael!" Raphael said.

    "Raph! Now I remember! It''s been so long! How are you?" He said.

    "I''m glad you finally recognized me, but now''s not the time," Raph said.

    I looked at Lucifer quizzically and said, "Do you not look at name tags?"

    Lucifer looked at me like I was crazy. "No! Never! Why would I respect the help enough to learn their names?"

    "I don''t even know how to respond to that," I said dumbfounded.

    "Stop making jokes, and follow me," Raph said.

    The demons were starting to wipe their eyes and get up. We followed Raph through the bar. I watched as he put his hand up and flashed every monster and mythical creature that came after us with a brilliant white light that knocked them down and blinded them. He got the werewolf, a ghost, some vampires, a ghoul, and even some random old man. Knocked him right to the ground, cane and all. He took us behind the bar and rearranged some bottles on the wall until the wall opened up and we squeezed through. Once we were through, he pulled the walls shut and put a metal bar through the handles to keep it shut.

    There was a light overhead, but only here near the door. He grabbed a torch off the wall and lit it. Then he led us down a long dark tunnel. As we walked, he said, "I''ve been undercover there for years, watching comings and goings, and informing the right people when bad things went down. Then you guys come in here and blow my cover in 20 minutes. What do you have to say for yourselves?"

    "We''re sorry?" I said.

    "Speak for yourself," Lucifer said. "I''m just babysitting him until the time runs out on our bet. He''s the one who wanted to come here."

    "Hey, I just thought I was going to beat up some Nazis and make a little money. I didn''t expect whatever that was," I said.

    "Yeah, what was all that Raph? I didn''t know there was a supernatural gathering spot here," Lucifer said.

    "I have to say, I''m a little surprised," Raph said. "The demons have been planning something big. I thought it was with your approval, but I guess they''ve been doing it behind your back."

    "What have they been planning?" I asked.

    "I don''t know. I felt like I was getting really close. They let me bartend and serve their private meetings, but now all that is over. My cover is blown. I can''t go back. They''ll tear me apart. I may be an archangel, but enough demons can take down even me. It might take a hundred of them, but they could do it," Raphael said.

    "They didn''t let anything loose while you were in their meetings?" I said.

    "They did let one thing loose. They''re planning to bring about the apocalypse. They think once the final judgment happens, they won''t have to stick around as demons much longer. Once all the souls have been sent to the appropriate circles of hell and properly punished for their misdeeds, they can take vacations, or even leave hell indefinitely and go on to do their own things," Raphael said.

    "But how do they plan to do that?" I said.

    "That, I don''t know," he said. "They didn''t reveal that."

    "Hmm," Lucifer said rubbing his chin. "I might know someone who would know."

    "Who?" I and Raph said at the same time.

    "Mephistopheles," Lucifer said.

    "You know where he is? We''ve been trying to track him down for ages," Raphael said.

    "Who''s that?" I said

    "He''s a general in my army. His domain is gambling and deal-making. He does most of the devil deals, but I wanted to take your challenge on myself, since you specifically targeted me with your initial declaration. He''s also an excellent information gatherer. He likes to know everything that''s going on in the world, supernatural or not," Lucifer said.

    "You''re taking me with you right?" I said.

    "I think this is beyond the scope of your abilities. You should go home and just wait for me to kill you tomorrow," he said.

    "No way! That''s boring! Besides, I might actually have useful skills you could use," I said.

    "Like what? I''m sorry to say, but getting drunk and cutting off your own hands aren''t typically considered useful skills," Lucifer said.

    "No, no! Gambling, you idiot! I''m an expert gambler. Especially when it comes to card games. If you get me in a card game with him, I guarantee you I''ll win," I said. I wasn''t lying. I was a top notch gambler.

    "Don''t you have a huge gambling debt?" The Devil said.

    "Yes, but that was because I was wasted. As long as I don''t get drunk, I''m amazing," I said.

    "If you''re willing to pay the consequences if you lose, I''ll take you along," he said.

    "Yes!" I said pumping my fist.

    "Do you need back up?" Raphael said.

    "I appreciate the thought, but you''ll spook him. It''s better if you wait for us outside," Lucifer said.

    "Ok, but you better not ditch me. I''m in charge of this investigation upstairs. I need to keep reassuring people that everything is going according to plan, or all heaven might break loose," he said.

    "Good to know," Lucifer said.

    "Are we almost out of here?" I said. "We''ve been walking for like a mile."

    "Oh yeah we can leave whenever we want," Raphael said. "This is the endless corridor of Gostelf. It can show up anywhere you need it to for a quick escape and it can disappear just as quickly. Oh, and you can leave whenever and wherever you want. Snap and a door will open up to your intended destination."

    I went to snap, but Lucifer put his hand over mine. "You don''t know where we''re going," he said.

    "Oh, right," I said.

    He snapped his fingers and a door opened in the side of the corridor. We all walked through it and arrived outside a Casino titled "The Last Temptation." It was displayed in neon above the entrance. We walked up to the casino and Lucifer said to Raphael, "You wait here. He''ll notice you as soon as you step inside."

    Lucifer and I walked through the doors and were immediately flanked by security guards dressed in fancy black suits and wearing sunglasses at night. A security guard with a red tie, clearly someone of authority, said, "If you gentlemen could please accompany us. Our boss wants a word."

    "Fine," I said.

    "Good," Lucifer said smiling.

    We followed the man in the red tie through a series of doors and down a number of hallways and corridors. We entered a pair of doors covered in gold filigree. A man sat in a chair facing away from us looking over the casino floor through reflective glass.

    "Close the doors," he said. He spun around in his chair like a spy villain and stopped, facing us. "Now, what could the Prince of Darkness and some random guy be doing in my casino?" He smiled a devilish grin.

 Chapter 4: Mephistopheles

    "Now, what could the Prince of Darkness and some random guy be doing in my casino?" Mephistopheles said. He wore a black suit with a red shirt and black tie. He was in human form at the moment. He had shaggy brown hair, green eyes, and crooked teeth. You''d think Hell could afford a good dental plan.

    "We''re here for information," Lucifer said.

    "What about?" Mephistopheles said inspecting his fingernails.

    "The plan," Lucifer said.

    "What plan?" Mephistopheles said now inspecting his shirt cuffs.

    "The plan to start the apocalypse early. Ring any bells?" Lucifer said.

    "No, I can''t say that it does," he said picking his nose.

    "He''s not budging," Lucifer said to me. "Any ideas?"

    "Can''t you just make him tell you?" I said.

    "I can, but he''ll just say he doesn''t know anything. Command in hell isn''t like it is up here. It''s all about power and threats. I have the power, but he knows I won''t kill him, so threatening it does nothing," he said.

    "Can you just hurt him until he breaks?" I said.

    "I can hurt him, but it won''t get us anywhere. You don''t know Meph like I do. He''ll take a secret to the grave if he thinks he can leverage it," he said. "I would know. I''ve put him in the grave before. It''s unfortunate we never stay dead. Angels and demons I mean."

    "What does that mean? Like you come back to life?" I said.

    "Always. We''re immortal. We always come back," he said.

    "I see. Well, I might have another idea for getting the information out of him," I said.

    "You do?" Lucifer said incredulously.

    "Actually, yes. I know what this guy wants," I said.

    "And what might that be?" Lucifer said.

    "Simple. A deal," I said. "Hey, you! Mephelepiggus!"

    "That''s not my name, simple human. Can''t you see the adults are talking? Begone with you!" He said shooing me away.

    "Oh! Ok. Sure. I mean, I was going to make you an offer, but I guess you''ll never know what it was," I said turning away and walking over to another part of the room where there was a poker table and a pool table. I grabbed a ball and rolled it hard so it bounced back and forth several times from the front edge to the back edge of the table.

    Mephistopheles was quiet for 10 seconds. I waited without saying a word. He started tapping his foot on the ground. I ignored him until he could take it any longer. "Ok, fine! What was it?"

    "No. You didn''t want to hear it. You adults go and talk," I said tossing another ball.

    Mephistopheles got out of his chair and walked over to me. He grabbed me by the collar, lifting me off the ground and his face became demonically ugly. One of his eyes was drooping out of his eye socket. I grabbed it gently and pushed it back into the socket. It moved around until its gaze settled on me like his other eye.

    "Thanks. That''s been bugging me for a while, but it''s surprisingly hard to put your own eye back in the socket," he said.

    "No problem," I said. "Now, why are you picking me up? Are we gonna slow dance?"

    "Oh, right. Where was I? Oh yeah. Tell me what the offer was or so help me Dog, I will burn you to cinders!" He said.

    "You can''t," I said.

    "Why not?" He said.

    "Because Lucifer made me invincible," I said.

    "Why would he do that?" He asked.

    "Why don''t you ask him," I said.

    "Lucy, why would you make this kid invincible?" Mephistopheles asked.

    "Only to external physical harm!" Lucifer said.

    "What does that mean?" I said.

    "Only to external physical threats. So like if you got poisoned or you had a heart attack or a stroke, you''d still die," he said.

    "Why?" I said.

    "I can''t cure all ailments. I''m not Jesus!" Lucifer said.

    "Yes, you can. You just don''t want to. You said before you could fix my heart defect," I said.

    "Ok, ok. I stand corrected. I can fix those things but as I said, that takes a lot of juice, and I could well, die," he said.

    "But you''d come back though," I said.

    "Yes, but like an hour later. The apocalypse plot might have already succeeded by then," he said.

    "Why don''t I just poison myself a million times and win the bet," I said.

    "Because I''d know what you''re poisoning yourself with. I could just remove that specific toxin from your body easily. That''s why I''m keeping an eye on you in the first place. I meant if you were poisoned by an unknown toxin," he said.

    "Oh, ok," I said. I was definitely storing that away for later.

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    "No one is answering my question! Why did you make him invincible to ''external physical harm''?" Mephistopheles said.

    "Cuz I need him alive until 7 pm tomorrow night. We have a little bet going that I can''t kill him at that exact time," Lucifer said.

    "Oh, so that''s why this kid is here. That makes sense, but it''s not satisfying. If I can''t threaten him with death or pain, how am I going to get him to tell me the offer?" He whined.

    "You know, you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar," I said.

    "What does that mean?" He said raising his eyebrow. "You want me to bribe you?"

    "If you offer me something I want, I''ll tell you my offer in return," I said.

    "You''re extorting me just to tell me your offer? Is that the best you got?" He said smirking.

    "Don''t pretend. You want to know my offer," I said.

    "Damn it. You''re good," he said grinning an angry grin.

    "I know," I said. "I can be persuasive given the right motivation."

    "You''d make a good demon," he said.

    "I know, but I''m not super into torturing people," I said. "It''s just not my thing."

    "I suppose that is fair," he said. He paused. "Well, what do you want?"

    "Give me some sort of power. Something cool," I said.

    "It would have to be fairly low power to be justifiable and doable," he said.

    "Hmm," I said. I thought about it for a while. "I''ve had bad luck ever since I can remember. I''m not asking you to give me good luck, but what if you gave me the ability to correct my karma back to zero? Like if a bunch of bad things happen to me, I can correct them with good karma coming my way. Or if a bunch of good things happen to me, I can correct that by sending bad karma to myself."

    "Karmic rebalancing. That sounds relatively harmless since if the universe is operating as it should, your karma should balance out relatively quickly as it is," he said.

    "Yes, but this would allow me to make the karma rebalance whenever I want, in case it''s taking too long," I said.

    "Ok. I can understand that," he said.

    "To be clear, it shouldn''t matter if the bad things that happen to me are my fault. Bad things are bad things," I said.

    "I suppose that''s true," he said scratching his chin. "Ok. Karmic rebalancing with the stipulations you provided. Done."

    "You''re not lying are you?" I said, but then I felt it. The karmic balance of my life. Currently, the scales were being heavily weighed down by negative events. "Oh. I see."

    "You feel it," he said.

    "I do," I said. "Thank you." I bowed my head as much as I could while being held in the air.

    "Yeah, yeah. Now cough it up! What''s the offer?" He said.

    "The offer is if Lucifer kills me and I go to hell, I''ll let you personally torture my soul as much as you want," I said.

    "Hmm. That''s not bad, but what do I get out of torturing your soul?" He said.

    "You get to torture the human that annoyed you so much, you picked him up and still haven''t put him down," I said looking at the ground a foot below my feet.

    "Oh, right," he said setting me down. "In that case, it''s not a bad offer, considering the devil has never lost a bet, but that still depends on what you want in return."

    "The who, what, when, why, where, and how of the demon plot to kick start the apocalypse. Gimme," I said.

    "Fine. I''ll tell you what I know in return for what you offered me. It isn''t much, but it should at least point you in the right direction," he said.

    "Ok, hit me," I said.

    Mephistopheles punched me in the face.

    "I deserved that, but seriously, what''s the info?" I said.

    "They''re planning to rob a bank," he said rubbing his fist. "That hurt. Why did you have to make his face so hard?"

    "So bullets couldn''t pierce it and kill him," Lucifer said.

    "Oh. That makes sense," Mephistopheles said.

    "They''re planning to rob a bank? Why?" I said.

    "I don''t know. But I heard it from a very reliable source," he said. "So I know it''s legit."

    "Who''s your source?" Lucifer said grabbing Mephistopheles by the collar.

    "You don''t have to do that. I''ll tell you. It''s Lilith," he said.

    "She said she tortured the information out of some lower-level demon named Harvey. She said she was going to look into it further, but I haven''t heard from her since," he said.

    "Who''s Lilith? It sounds familiar, but I don''t recall anything specific," I said.

    "She was Adam''s first wife, but she didn''t much like being ordered around, so she left and made a deal with demons to become a demon and now she''s a demon queen who runs a section of Hell," Lucifer said.

    "That checks out. That first thing totally leads to the next thing," I said.

    "Right? Adam was a jerk. He really didn''t like having a wife who wouldn''t obey him. I think she made the deal to just have a place to stay. They kicked her out of paradise and my father didn''t build anything outside of it except dirt," Lucifer said. "Kind of dumb if you ask me."

    "That just sounds messed up is what that sounds like," I said.

    "Yeah, well I guess it doesn''t matter how she got there. She''s a demon queen now regardless," Lucifer said.

    "Right. Where do you think we should look for her?" I said.

    "If she''s been captured by this group of conspiring demons, she''s probably in the Fortress of Bureaucracy. They''ll tie you down for ages and not release you but say you''re free to go whenever you want, as long as you sign some forms first," Lucifer said.

    "Sounds like hell," I said.

    "It is," he said. "Figuratively and literally."

    "Well, let''s go then. Time''s wasting," I said.

    "Leaving so soon? We haven''t even gotten to play any games yet," Mephistopheles said disappointed.

    "The coin is in your left hand, then your right hand, then your right hand, then your right hand again. You have a card up your sleeve, in your shoe, and in your crotch, which is gross. And the numbers you''re thinking of are 3, 7, 69, 420, and 666," I said. I could read this guy like a book. He loved deals, he loved games, and he loved winning, but he was predictable.

    "What? How did you?" Mephistopheles said.

    "Because I''ve done it myself. I know all the tricks," I said.

    "Bah! You''re no fun!" He said. Coins and cards fell out of his clothes and several explosions of confetti went off on different parts of his body.

    "Whoa! That''s a little more than I expected. Well done," I said. "Touch¨¦."

    "Hey, I almost always win, and when I don''t, I make the other person wish that I did. You''re the first one to get a fair deal out of me," he said. "I''d tip my hat to you, but I don''t have one, and I don''t want to. You annoyed me too much."

    "I get that," I said. "Well, we''re off."

    "See you later, Meph! Don''t die before I can kill you!" Lucifer said.

    We walked out the way we came in and were escorted back out by the guards that led us to Meph''s room in the first place. When we got outside, Raphael was rubbing his hands together and breathing into them to keep them warm.

    "Well, it looks like we need to head to Hell to find answers. You gonna be able to tag along?" I said.

    "Normally, no. Angels aren''t supposed to enter Hell at any time for any reason, but I''ve been authorized full autonomy on where I go and what I do to prevent this apocalypse. So, short answer is yes, I can tag along," Raphael said.

    "Ok, here we go," Lucifer said snapping his fingers.

    We disappeared from outside the casino and reappeared somewhere red and hot. The ground was black and cracked with red light seeping through. There were black clouds overhead that flashed with lightning and a deep red light seemed to permeate everything.

    "What kind of light is this? Am I gonna need to wear sunblock?" I said.

    "Red light? I think thematically it''s red because we''re supposed to be underground. You know, molten magma is red so the light is red, but technically we''re not actually underground. We''re in another dimension entirely. So I don''t actually know where the light comes from or why it''s red. My father created it. Go ask him," Lucifer said.

    "Whoa! Settle down buddy. Sounds like I struck a nerve," I said.

    "No. I mean, yeah. It''s just the first thing everyone asks when they get here. I get tired of explaining it and not having the answer," Lucifer said.

    "Ok. I''ll try not to touch anymore nerves, but no promises," I said.

    "That''s all I can ask for, I suppose," Lucifer said.

    "Hey guys, is this where we''re going?" Raphael said pointing at the massive building in front of us.

    "Is this the Fortress of Bureaucracy? This is less a fortress and more a corporate headquarters. This thing is huge!" I said.

    "You''ll find it''s a little bit of both," Lucifer said. "I try not to spend too much time in there. The people get under my skin."

    "Should we go inside?" I said.

    "Let''s," the Devil said.

    "I''m following you two," Raphael said.

    We walked towards the towering black building that was the Fortress of Bureaucracy. I wondered what dreadful policies and procedures awaited us inside.

 Chapter 5: Fortress of Bureaucracy

    We walked in through the front doors of the Fortress of Bureaucracy and the first thing that happened was someone standing at the door handed us a stack of papers each. ¡°Fill these out.¡±

    They were a stack of forms for different purposes. One was a release form, clearing the Fortress of Bureaucracy and Hell of responsibility for any injury, death, boredom, or annoyance we may experience while inside. Another was a Non-Disclosure Agreement. I didn¡¯t even know they could give Non-Disclosure Agreements to people who weren¡¯t employees. But this was Hell. They probably didn¡¯t have the same rules down here as they did up on Earth. Wait, why am I saying ¡°down here¡± and ¡°up on Earth¡±? Lucifer said this is a different dimension. That we aren¡¯t underground. Probably just conditioning. Oh well.

    There was also a questionnaire. There was one asking why we were visiting the Fortress of Bureaucracy and another one for why we were in Hell in the first place.

    There was also a survey. It asked us how our experience was in Hell so far and how our experience was in the Fortress of Bureaucracy. There were a lot of ¡°rate your experience from 1 to 10¡± sections and they were all measures of negative emotion.

    ¡°On a scale from 1 to 10, how annoying has your experience been so far?¡± One question said.

    ¡°On a scale from 1 to 10, how much do you want to punch someone in the face right now?¡± Another question said.

    ¡°On a scale from 1 to 10, how likely are you to rip all your clothes off and run away screaming?¡± Yet another question said.

    I just circled ¡°10¡± on all of them, on the off chance that they immediately checked these as a way to adjust your experience here. I figured if I circled ¡°1,¡± they would ramp it up to become even more unpleasant than it already was. Meanwhile, Lucifer and Raphael gave honest answers, which made me feel like pulling out my hair. Did they not understand where they were? This was hell! The place where they torture souls! I was feeling tortured already by all these annoying forms.

    The last page just said in big letters, ¡°Deliver your papers to the front desk.¡± So that¡¯s what we did. I finished first, so I was in front. I placed my papers on the counter. Sitting behind the counter was a short red demon with just enough cleavage showing to where it was inappropriate for work, but not enough for coworkers to call her out on it. She was filing her nails. She looked up at me, took the papers, and put them in a ¡°To File¡± basket on her desk.

    ¡°Yes?¡± she said, smacking her gum. ¡°How may I not help you today?¡±

    ¡°Wait, is it opposite day today?¡± I said.

    ¡°Every day is opposite day, except for the days that aren¡¯t,¡± she said.

    ¡°That was illuminating and confusing at the same time. Good job,¡± I said.

    ¡°I aim not to please,¡± she said smiling a white smile with perfect rows of straight sharp teeth.

    ¡°Excellent. So can you not tell us where we can find Lilith, please, and no thank you?¡± I said. I wasn¡¯t sure if talking in opposite speak would work, but it was worth a try.

    ¡°Absolutely not. You won¡¯t be able to find her in the Department of Perpetual Processing,¡± she said smacking her gum louder somehow. I was feeling a strange attraction to this very annoying person, and I didn¡¯t understand why.

    Lucifer saw the look in my eyes, grabbed me by the shoulders, and shook me. ¡°Don¡¯t fall in! It¡¯s a trap!¡±

    I turned around. ¡°What?¡± I said.

    ¡°That feeling you¡¯re feeling. It¡¯s a demonic lure. They use it to enslave the minds of humans to do their bidding. Don¡¯t become a victim of it,¡± he said.

    ¡°Oh.¡± I shook my head, but the feeling didn¡¯t go away. I could feel my attraction to her growing stronger by the second. Then I remembered my new power. ¡°Uh, let me try something.¡± I tried to activate my karmic rebalancing ability. My bad luck was stacked so heavily on the scales that I bet the rebalancing would offer a great boon to me, which hopefully would help me out of this situation. I focused on activating the ability and I felt a weight slam onto the good luck side of the scales, restoring balance.

    Then, suddenly, I didn¡¯t feel the attraction any more. She seemed like an ok, if crappy, person, but I didn¡¯t desire her the way I had moments ago. Huh. Maybe I became immune to it?

    ¡°Uh, I think I fixed it. I don¡¯t feel attracted to her anymore,¡± I said.

    ¡°Good,¡± Lucifer said.

    I turned back to the woman and said, ¡°Where can I not find this Department of Perpetual Processing?¡±

    ¡°Up the stairs three times, turn left, then right, then right again. You can¡¯t see it,¡± she said.

    ¡°Huh? Oh, right. No thank you,¡± I said and winked.

    She winked right back and continued filing her nails.

    We started to walk away when the woman behind the counter said, ¡°You forgot something!¡±

    I walked back to her. ¡°What? What did I forget?¡±

    ¡°This,¡± she said. She handed me a form. It was a ¡°Request for Romantic Engagement¡± form. She had already filled it out. It said her name was Margaret. At first, I was confused about how to respond to this, then I thought, what would a bureaucrat do? And it came to me.

    I leaned over the counter to look at her desk. ¡°Can I see your stamps and a pen?¡±

    ¡°You certainly cannot,¡± she said. She handed me a small bin of stamps and a nice black metal pen.

    I looked at the stamps to find the one I wanted and said, ¡°You¡¯re not going to do this on the date, are you?¡±

    ¡°Do what?¡± She said, looking hurt.

    ¡°The whole opposite speak thing. Like I get you doing it here, but on the date, I feel like communication would get really confusing, and don¡¯t even get me started on how awkward it would make consent,¡± I said, smiling, but also kind of serious.

    ¡°No, I will not. That stays at work,¡± she said.

    ¡°Ok, good.¡± I grabbed a stamp and stamped the word ¡°APPROVED¡± on the form and then wrote my phone number in the margin. I didn¡¯t feel an overwhelming lust for her anymore, but that didn¡¯t mean I didn¡¯t think she was cute or potentially interesting. Even if the date turned out horrible, I¡¯d at least have a story to tell at parties.

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    I handed her the form. She looked at it and squealed. I didn¡¯t expect that much enthusiasm from a bureaucrat, but maybe I was better looking than I thought I was.

    I left her to do her job. We took the directions she gave us and arrived at our destination. The Department of Perpetual Processing. We walked inside and were faced with endless rows of cubicles as far as the eye could see. Which made no sense, considering the outside of the room that we walked into wasn¡¯t that large. It must have been one of those ¡®bigger on the inside¡¯ sort of things.

    Inside each cubicle was someone filling out forms. Every time they would complete their forms, someone would come up to the cubicle, take their completed forms, and hand them more forms to complete. And on and on into infinity. I wondered if this was a sort of prison. Something that could be bureaucratically explained as just being ¡°part of the procedure,¡± but the procedure was meant to hold you up as long as they wanted you to be there. This made sense as a place to imprison Lilith if she¡¯d gotten too close to figuring out the demonic plot.

    Technically, they probably couldn¡¯t imprison her because she was in too high of a position of authority. She was a queen, after all. But they could effectively imprison her here as long as they wanted. What a truly diabolic mechanism they had constructed here.

    We walked up to the front desk. ¡°Are you here for processing or to de-process someone?¡± The guy behind the counter said without looking up.

    ¡°We¡¯re here to de-process someone,¡± I said.

    ¡°Who might that be?¡± He said. He still hadn¡¯t looked up yet.

    ¡°Lilith,¡± I said.

    The man looked up. ¡°Do you have the proper forms?¡±

    I turned to Lucifer and Raphael. ¡°Punch me in the face.¡± I looked at Lucifer. ¡°Make it hurt.¡±

    ¡°Sure,¡± Lucifer said.

    ¡°Why?¡± Raphael said.

    ¡°Just do it. He probably has a plan,¡± Lucifer said.

    ¡°Ok,¡± Raphael said, winding back.

    He slammed his fist into my face on one side and then Lucifer hit me on the other side. I fell to the ground and slid across the floor until I hit the wall of the front desk. I felt the scales of luck and karma tilt in one direction. I lay there for a while before getting up, brushing myself off, putting my hands out in front of me, and pressing the internal button to rebalance my karmic scales. The scales snapped back into balance and a stack of papers fell into my hands. I looked them over and they were signed by myself and several people. They detailed the process of releasing Lilith from this hellscape.

    I turned around and put them on the bureaucrat¡¯s desk. ¡°Here you go. The proper forms signed by the proper people.¡±

    He looked over the forms, and an expression of shock formed on his face. ¡°How did you get these? These are designed to be nearly impossible to fill out and get approved all in one day. You have about a 15-minute window to do it and only I know when it is. And you don¡¯t get them all approved in one day, they become invalid. You¡¯re not supposed to be able to do this! Only I get to decide when people get de-processed!¡±

    ¡°Why don¡¯t you calm down there, buddy? If they¡¯re all signed and properly filled out, don¡¯t you have to do what they say regardless of whether the process is designed to allow it or not?¡± I said.

    ¡°Technically, yes, but I¡¯m not happy about it. I¡¯ll be filing a complaint through HR against you, uh¡­¡± He looked at my shirt trying to find a name tag but I didn¡¯t have one.

    ¡°Dave,¡± I said, putting my hand out to shake. ¡°Nice to meet you.¡±

    ¡°Paul,¡± he said, shaking my hand. ¡°Nice to meet you too, I guess. Why aren¡¯t you wearing your name tag? Regulation states that everyone has to wear their name tag while at work.¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t work here, that¡¯s why. I¡¯m a visitor,¡± I said.

    ¡°You¡¯re telling me a visitor filled out all these forms and got them all signed by the appropriate people in one day? I don¡¯t believe it,¡± he said, looking defeated.

    ¡°Believe it or not, the evidence is right in front of your eyes,¡± I said.

    ¡°I suppose it is,¡± he said. He dropped the stack of papers into a bin marked ¡°To be filed¡± and stepped out from behind the desk. Stepping out from behind the desk made him lose a whole foot in height and I looked down at him when he said, ¡°Follow me.¡±

    We followed the short red demon through the aisles of cubicles as he turned left and right and left and right again. We eventually came to a cubicle with a pale woman wearing a black and red pinstripe pantsuit with her black hair in a bun behind her head. She was filling out paperwork faster than I¡¯d ever seen. She saw the processing employee and said, ¡°Can I go home now? I¡¯ve been filling out paperwork for hours!¡±

    ¡°Yes, you can go home. Thanks to these people. You should be thankful you¡¯ve only been filling out paperwork for hours. Some people have been here for years!¡± He said.

    ¡°That¡¯s disgusting,¡± I said.

    ¡°It¡¯s not disgusting. It¡¯s bureaucracy,¡± he said.

    ¡°Same thing,¡± I said. I looked at presumably Lilith and said, ¡°Come with us. We¡¯re here to bust you out.¡±

    ¡°Ok, thanks,¡± she said. ¡°I suppose introductions will have to wait until we¡¯re outside?¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s probably safer that way,¡± I said.

    We began to walk away from the bureaucratic employee. ¡°You¡¯ll be sorry! Bureaucracy could save your life someday!¡±

    ¡°I¡¯ll believe it when I see it,¡± I said dismissively.

    We walked back the way we came, and I received a text on my phone. ¡°This is Margaret. Is this Dave? I can¡¯t wait to go on our date!¡±

    Aww. She was cute. I liked it when women were eager. There¡¯s nothing worse than an unenthusiastic date. Why did we go on a date if you were going to play with your food and complain all night about your ex?

    I was about to type out a reply message when we passed the front desk. She peeked her head over the counter and said, ¡°Did you get my text?¡±

    ¡°Yes, Margaret. I look forward to our date too. I was just about to text you back,¡± I said.

    ¡°Oh, good! Let me know when you¡¯re free this week,¡± she said.

    ¡°Will do!¡± I said as we walked out the front door.

    ¡°When did you get her number?¡± Lucifer said.

    ¡°Earlier,¡± I said.

    ¡°Ask her if she likes devil¡¯s threesomes,¡± he said.

    ¡°I am not asking her that!¡± I said. I texted her, ¡°I might be free tomorrow. I¡¯m doing this whole saving the world thing right now, but I should be done with it by tomorrow.¡±

    ¡°If tomorrow doesn¡¯t work, can you do later in the week?¡± She replied.

    ¡°I¡¯m not sure. I may or may not be dead later in the week. The devil is supposed to kill me at 7 tomorrow,¡± I said.

    ¡°Ooo ouch. Yeah, that might hinder us a little bit. 7 am or pm?¡± She replied.

    ¡°PM,¡± I said.

    ¡°I can do 4 tomorrow. Early dinner, late lunch?¡± She replied.

    ¡°Sounds great! Where do you want to go?¡± I said.

    ¡°You pick! XP,¡± she said.

    ¡°I¡¯m from Earth. I don¡¯t know Hell restaurants,¡± I said.

    ¡°Ok, how about the IRS Cafe?¡± she said.

    ¡°The IRS has a cafe down here?¡± I said.

    ¡°Different IRS. Its full name is The Infernal Restaurant Service Cafe. XD,¡± she said.

    ¡°I see. That makes sense. Sure! It¡¯s a date!¡± I said.

    ¡°Ok. Meet me outside of work at 4 since you don¡¯t know where to go and I assume you don¡¯t have a hellphone,¡± she said.

    ¡°No, I do not have a hellphone. Not yet at least,¡± I said.

    ¡°Ok. See you soon!¡± She said.

    ¡°Are you done texting? We have a bank to rob,¡± Lucifer said.

    ¡°We¡¯re not robbing the bank! We¡¯re unrobbing it. I think,¡± Dave said.

    ¡°I don¡¯t care what we do as long as we save the world at the end,¡± Raphael said.

    ¡°Introductions, please! I want to know who I¡¯m traveling with before we teleport somewhere,¡± Lilith said.

    ¡°Fine! I¡¯m the Devil! Nice to meet you! Again!¡± He said exasperated.

    Lilith¡¯s eyes went wide, and she fell to her knees and bowed her head to the ground. ¡°My lord! I¡¯m so sorry! I didn¡¯t recognize you in your human form.¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s ok. I can understand the mistake,¡± Lucifer said.

    Lilith turned to me. ¡°Hi. I¡¯m Dave. I¡¯m in a bet with the Devil that he can¡¯t kill me at 7 pm tomorrow, but in the meantime, I¡¯m helping him save the world.¡±

    She shook my hand. ¡°Nice to meet you, Dave. I¡¯m Lilith. Demon queen and all-around bitch. I hope you win your bet, though I don¡¯t think you will. No one beats the Devil.¡± She turned to Raphael. ¡°And you are?¡±

    ¡°I am the archangel, Raphael,¡± Raphael said, bowing his head. ¡°I am pleased to make your acquaintance. I¡¯ve heard a lot about you.¡±

    ¡°Nothing good, I hope,¡± she said. ¡°Nice to meet you too, Raphael. Ok, now that we¡¯re all introduced, can we have a team meeting?¡±

    I looked back at the Fortress of Bureaucracy and noticed some demons come out of the front carrying weapons. They pointed at us and started running toward us.

    ¡°Hey, guys, I think we¡¯re about to be attacked,¡± I said, pointing at the demons.

    ¡°I¡¯d say that¡¯s a fair assessment,¡± Raphael said, looking.

    ¡°Where can we go that¡¯s safe? My place is probably crawling with demons,¡± Lilith said.

    ¡°Mine too. Now that they know, I know about their plot to end the world,¡± Lucifer said.

    ¡°Let¡¯s go to my place! I¡¯m a nobody! No one will expect it,¡± I said.

    ¡°Sounds good, buddy,¡± Lucifer said, putting his hand on my shoulder. He snapped his fingers, and we disappeared.

    We didn¡¯t appear in my apartment. We were falling through a dark space, but I could see everyone else in the group falling next to me.

    ¡°Where are we?¡± I yelled.

    ¡°I don¡¯t know!¡± Lucifer yelled back.

    Well, that wasn¡¯t good.

 Chapter 6: Sarah

    We fell through the dark endlessly. Wind whipped through our hair and burned our eyes. "What are we going to do?" I yelled.

    "I don''t know!" Lilith yelled. "Why are you looking at me?"

    "Because you''re in front of where my face is pointing?" I yelled, shrugging.

    "This isn''t helping!" Raphael yelled.

    "Someone do something! Dave! Figure it out! You always have an answer!" Lucifer said.

    He was right. I always seemed to have a solution to every problem lately. I just had to think. At least we had endless time. We weren''t going anywhere and there didn''t seem to be a bottom to whatever this was. We needed an escape. And then I had an idea.

    "Raph! Can we use that corridor of Gostelf here to escape?" I said hopefully.

    Raphael shook his head. "There has to be a wall that can be turned into a door."

    "Damn it! That was my one idea," I said. If only we had a wall. Wait, how did I know there wasn''t a wall? We hadn''t moved in any direction except down. How did I know that this just went on forever in all directions? The answer was I didn''t. I looked at everyone. "I have a new idea. We''re going to hold hands and just float sideways as far as we can go to see if there is a side to this endless falling tunnel."

    "That''s not a bad idea!" Raph said.

    "There you go, Dave! I knew you wouldn''t let us down!" Lucifer said.

    "Let''s just hope it works," Lilith said.

    "Ever the optimist," Lucifer said.

    "What''s wrong with being practical?" Lilith said.

    "Guys! Focus! We need to hold hands," Raph said.

    We fumbled around a bit until we formed a circle. "Now everyone, lean toward me!" I said.

    We all leaned and started to drift in a direction. Nothing happened for a good while. We just kept drifting. Suddenly, I fell and hit concrete with my face. "Ow!" I said. "Lucifer! You didn''t turn my invincibility back on?"

    "I forgot to¡ªWhoa!" Lucifer said as he fell and smashed his face into the concrete.

    "Watch out for the drop!" I yelled, as Raph and Lilith fell.

    "Ah!" Lilith said, putting her hands down and slamming them into the ground.

    "Oh, geez!" Raph said as he tumbled and rolled on the ground. Lucky bastard.

    I didn''t know how far we fell, but the impact wasn''t terminal velocity like it should have been. It was a hard fall, but it felt like the impact from a 10-foot fall. Not thousands of feet like it should have been. Everything was dark, so I couldn''t see much around me except my companions.

    Lucifer snapped his fingers, and a light floated above us, illuminating the darkness.

    "You could do that the whole time?" I said.

    "Yeah, I just didn''t think we needed a light. We could see each other just fine," he said.

    "Can you make it brighter?" I said. "I want to figure out what was going on with the endless falling and then suddenly concrete."

    "Sure," he said. He sent the light up higher and made it brighter.

    It illuminated a massive room. I couldn''t see the edges. It just faded into darkness. However, right next to us was a curving metal wall that hummed slightly when I put my ear against it. I climbed up onto it and saw a wide circular grating and wind blasted me in the face. I almost fell back onto the concrete it was so strong. It was a fan. An enormous fan, hundreds of feet wide. That''s why it felt like we were falling forever. We were being blown up into the air by the fan to simulate falling. They had things like this at skydiving schools to teach people how to maneuver their bodies while falling out of the sky.

    It was a trick. A trick to keep us in one place. To keep us distracted. And it worked. It would have worked much longer if it hadn''t been for my quick thinking. The next question was, how did they get us here? I looked through the grating and the spinning fan blades and saw strange markings and geometric patterns etched into the concrete below and painted with blood.

    "Hey, Lucifer," I said. "What is that?" I pointed at the patterns and markings.

    He had to climb onto the fan to see. His eyes widened. "It''s a devil''s trap. That''s why we ended up here rather than your apartment. It redirected my teleportation. That''s what devil''s traps do. I can''t teleport us anywhere except here now until this trap is destroyed. And with a massive multi-ton fan sitting on top of it, that won''t be happening anytime soon."

    "That''s ok. We can still use the Gostelf corridor," I said, putting my hand on his shoulder.

    "You don''t understand. I''m naked without my teleportation. It''s like wanting to have sex, but not being able to. I have ED now," he said, pouting.

    "What does ED stand for in this context?" I said, confused.

    "Extra-liminal Dysfunction," he said, almost in tears.

    "Get over it, you big baby! We''ll find some way to fix it, but first, we have to make sure we''re safe. If someone trapped us here, it''s likely they don''t have good intentions," I said.

    Strange guttural sounds pierced the quiet. Vowels and consonants that shouldn''t and don''t exist in any human language. "KTHULHU R''LYEH WGAH''NAGL-" A mass of tentacles emerged from the shadows towering above us. "BUSINALL VEEGOTH SHYA-achoo!" The tentacle monster erupted into a fit of sneezes and coughs that echoed through the massive, as of yet unknown sized room.

    There was the sound of someone wiping their noise and then, in a normal if hoarse human sounding voice, it said, "Does anyone have a tissue? I''ve been dealing with this cold all week! It''s been a nightmare!"

    "No offense, but you''re a nightmare," I said.

    "Offense taken, my friend. Can''t you look past appearances and see the heart of gold I have inside?" He said pleadingly.

    "Uh, no? We''ve just met," I said.

    "I have a tissue!" Raphael said. "Here!" He held out an unopened bag of tissues into the air. A long black tentacle snatched the bag and brought it back to the body of the monster.

    "Thank you," it said. I heard it blow its nose. "That''s much better."

    "Are you saying you''re not here to harm us?" I asked.

    "No, I am," he said.

    "So then I judged you appropriately. What are you giving me flak for?" I said, throwing my hands up.

    "Just because I''m a violent monster compelled to bring doom and despair to all that I meet, doesn''t mean I want to be seen that way," it said.

    "Tough shit!" I said.

    My words were punctuated by the sound of a wall exploding in the darkness.

    "Bring the light a little closer," a voice said.

    Lucifer moved the light, so it shined on a hole in the wall, where a woman stood proudly on top of a piece of rubble, holding a flaming sword, like she was posing for a movie poster. I recognized this woman. Her name was Sarah. She was the ex of mine who semi-recently moved out of my apartment. Well, it was ''our apartment'' at the time. Now it''s ''my apartment''.

    Unauthorized duplication: this narrative has been taken without consent. Report sightings.

    "Sarah! What are you doing here?" I said, shocked.

    "I''m here to pay you back for what you did for me. Or what you will do for me in the future. I''m from the future is what I''m saying and I''m here to rescue you from this monster!" She said.

    Sarah leaped into action. She jumped over the monster, doing a flip in the air, and stabbed it when she landed on the other side. The monster caught fire from the sword and shrieked. Its tentacles wildly lashed out at her, but she dodged them all with a series of flips, side steps, cartwheels, and bending impossibly backwards without falling down. After her nimble display of acrobatics, she began slicing off the tentacles that came at her one by one.

    "What are you doing?" The monster said. "Stop!"

    After she had sliced off the last tentacle, she ran up to the blob-like monster and stabbed it all the way through. It fully caught on fire from this and shrieked as it burnt to death. Sarah climbed on top of the still somewhat burning creature and did another hero pose before going, "Ow! Hot! Hot! Hot!" as she jumped off the smouldering corpse.

    "Was that necessary?" I said.

    "Of course! He was going to kill you!" she said.

    "I''m not so sure. He said he was here to harm us, but he made no moves to do so. Also, how do you know it was a he?" I said.

    "Slip of the tongue," she said.

    "Wait. None of this makes sense. If you''re from the future, because of something I will do for you, that means we would have gotten out of this situation without your help. So you showing up was completely unnecessary," I said.

    "But I just saved you. You saw that!" She said, pointing at the corpse.

    "Also, our break up ended rather badly. How am I supposed to believe you''re here to help me?" I said, putting my hands on my hips.

    "Damn it, Dave! You always were too smart for your own good," she said. She lunged at me and stabbed me with her sword. It hurt. It felt like my insides were burning because they were.

    "Dave!" Lucifer said.

    "Ouch," I said. She kicked me off her sword as Lucifer, Lilith, and Raphael charged at her. From the ground, I watched them face off against her.

    "That''s Azrael''s sword! How did she get it?" Raphael said, summoning a sword made of light.

    "I don''t know?" Lucifer said. "Why don''t you ask her?" He focused and covered his hands in darkness that turned into clawed gauntlets. He used them to deflect and block her sword.

    Lilith summoned a whip made of flames that she fought with. "Stop arguing and kill her!"

    Raphael crossed swords with Sarah. They were evenly matched. I had no idea when Sarah got so good with a sword, but she was kicking ass. I shook my head. I shouldn''t be rooting for the person who stabbed me.

    They got stuck in a sword lock, pushing swords against each other. Raphael had the upper hand in strength at first, pushing her sword close to her own throat, but then Raph''s sword started to crack. Spider web cracks etched themselves through his sword, made of light. He tried to cut her throat before his sword broke, but he was too late. His sword shattered and Azrael''s sword cut through Raphael like a hot knife through butter. It took a few seconds, but Raph''s head slid off his body and plopped to the ground, a look of shock frozen on his face. His body followed soon after.

    "Ahhh!!!" Lucifer ran in and engaged Sarah close range while Lilith whipped at her at long range. "How dare you kill my brother! Only I''m allowed to do that!"

    Lucifer swiped left and right, but Sarah blocked every blow. He went high, low, middle, left, and right, but she was already there every time. It didn''t make any sense. Lucifer was an angel, or former angel, why couldn''t he just out speed her?

    Then, all the blocking jostled her enough that something fell out of her shirt. It was a chain. It had multiple medallions hanging from it. One was an hourglass, another was a heart with a jagged line through the middle, the third was the head of a goat, and the last was the symbol of a sword. That must have been what was making her so strong. Each medallion must give her different powers. The hourglass for time travel, the goat''s head for either countering demons or gaining the power of a demon, the sword for her sword skills, and the broken heart for I don''t know what. I get that it symbolized her anger towards me, but I couldn''t think of what ability it would give her.

    "Why am I fighting you?" Lucifer said, while jumping back. "I can just charm you!" He grinned and stared at her.

    Sarah suddenly went still and stopped fighting. Lucifer grinned wider and said, "Come here." Sarah started walking towards him and stood in front of him. He put his claws up to her throat and said, "That''s better. It was nice meeting you. I''m sorry we have to part ways so soon."

    "Me too," Sarah said and stabbed Lucifer in the stomach.

    He fell to the ground and looked up at her. "How did you do that?"

    Sarah tapped the goat''s head medallion. "Anti-demon charm. Your abilities don''t work on me."

    "Damn you," Lucifer said, closing his eyes and breathing out for a long time.

    "No. Damn you," Sarah said with a chuckle. "You''ve already been damned, so I guess that''s unnecessary."

    "Damn you!" Lilith said as she swung her whip at Sarah.

    Sarah blocked it with her sword, and it wrapped around the blade. Lilith tried to pull it out of her hands, but Sarah held on tight. She focused and the flame whip began to get drawn into the sword. The sword was absorbing the whip, and pulled Lilith along with it. Lilith tried to pull the whip out, but it was useless. When she got close, the sword began drawing Lilith into it.

    "Noooo!!!" Lilith roared as she was sucked into the sword in a puff of black smoke.

    "Fuck," I said. I needed to get up. I needed to avenge my new friends. Acquaintances? I didn''t know what they were to me, but I knew somewhere deep down I could never forgive myself if I didn''t try to make their sacrifices mean something.

    I could feel the weight on my karmic scales. I had a boon coming when I rebalanced things. I just hoped it would be enough to defeat her. I pressed the mental button and waited. At first, nothing happened, until Lucifer opened his eyes and said, "Ah!! Adrenaline!!" He grabbed Sarah''s foot and yanked hard. She fell to the ground and dropped the sword.

    It bounced over to where I was lying on the ground. "I''m turning it back on, Dave." He snapped his fingers, and I felt better all of a sudden. The invincibility had come back. I looked at my stab wound. It wasn''t bleeding. The burning sword had cauterized the wound, so I wouldn''t bleed out, but I''d probably still die from complications if I didn''t get medical attention soon. But at least I was invincible to further damage.

    I could probably kill myself with the sword and win the bet now. Azrael''s sword could probably get through the invincibility, but what would be the point of that? Sure, I''d win the bet, but the world would be doomed. What was the point of winning if I couldn''t enjoy it? No. I had to save the world and avenge my acquaintances. That was the only option.

    I pressed the sword against the ground to help me stand up, but it sank into the concrete some. Oh shit. I didn''t realize this thing was that powerful. I stood up on my own and pulled the sword out of the ground. I wielded it with both hands and pointed it at Sarah.

    "You killed my acquaintances. So now I''m going to kill you. I think," I said.

    "Is that the best you got?" she said.

    "I didn''t think our relationship was that bad. Why are you doing this?" I said.

    "You ruined my life!" She said.

    "How?" I said.

    <hr>

    Sarah hated her job and told me so every day when we lived together. One day, she got fired. Then she complained all day every day about not having a job.

    I said, "Go get a job then."

    "It''s not that easy!" She said.

    "Sure it is. You go down to the grocery store and ask for a job. If they say no, then go to another grocery store or a fast food place or a gas station," I said, taking a diet soda out of the fridge.

    "No. It has to be in supply chain management. That''s what I went to school for," she said, holding her head in her hands.

    I sat down on the couch next to her and put my hand on her shoulder.

    "Well, are you getting any replies back for those kinds of jobs?" I said.

    "No! They all say I''m either too qualified or not qualified enough!" She said, throwing her hands up in frustration.

    "I get that it sucks you can''t get a job in your field, but any job is better than no job. I can''t afford to support both of us on my salary. As long as you help with your half of rent, I''ll cover the rest," I said.

    I really couldn''t cover her half of the rent. I could cover everything else like I said, but not the entire rent and everything else.

    She moved out a few days later. Said she was going to live with her mom. Said she couldn''t deal with me anymore. I didn''t understand it. I thought our relationship was fine.

    <hr>

    I snapped back to the present. "You tried to control me!"

    "By asking you to get a job? By saying I couldn''t cover all our expenses? In what world is that controlling?" I said.

    "In my world it is!" She yelled.

    "Well, I''m sorry. I never wanted to make you feel that way. I just did what I thought would help us both survive," I said, swinging the burning sword at her.

    "Oh, really? You''re not the evil man that I built you up to be in my head?" Her expression softened and showed vulnerability.

    "I don''t think I am. I just wanted what was best for both of us. I loved you Sarah. I was crushed when you left. I didn''t know what I had done wrong, but I would have done anything to get you back," I said.

    "Really? I thought you hated me for being a drain on your resources. That you wanted me to get a job or leave," she said.

    "Hell no. I would have stuck it out with you even if you never got a job. It just would have been tight, money wise, and that scared me. I was worried we''d starve or go homeless. That''s all," I said.

    Sarah put her against my face and said, "Oh, Dave. I''m sorry. I don''t know what I was thinking."

    Then her heart medallion glowed purple and purple electricity crackled along her body and shocked her. It even shocked me some, before she pulled her hand away from my face. When it shocked me, I felt an overwhelming hatred towards her. I started to feel every tiny thing I disliked about our relationship bubble up and become enormous in my mind. It became all I could think about, and then it was gone.

    Is that what the medallion was doing to her? Was she being controlled by something or someone to act this way? It was the only conclusion I could come to. That was horrible.

    Sarah looked at me again with hatred in her eyes. "It''s too late for apologies. What''s done is done," she said. She tried to punch me but it did no damage to me and hurt her hand. "What is your face made of? Rocks?" She shook her hand out in pain.

    "Maybe?" I said. I swung the sword several more times, trying to cut the chain and free her of the pain the heart medallion was causing her, but I accidentally got her in the arm slightly, and that was it.

    She held the hourglass medallion and summoned a portal, presumably to the future, but I didn''t know for sure. "You may have won this time, but I''ll be back!" She jumped backwards into the portal.

    "No! Sarah! Don''t leave!" I said.

    The portal closed behind her. I started to feel pain in my abdomen that spread throughout my body. I collapsed to the ground in pain and curled into the fetal position. I stayed like that for a while.

 Chapter 7: Stranded

    I woke up on the ground with Lucifer offering his hand to pick me up. "Hey, buddy. You alright?"

    I looked up at him and took his hand. "I feel fine. I assume you healed me?" Lucifer pulled me to my feet. I grabbed Azrael''s sword off the ground and I looked at my torso. The hole in my shirt was still there, but the wound was gone.

    "Yep. Healed myself too. If I''m being honest, I faked dying so she wouldn''t finish me off. I didn''t want to leave you all alone after you defeated her. Which I had full confidence you would do," he said.

    "Yeah, right. I see you''re not above white lies," I said.

    "They''re called ''fibs'' and they don''t qualify as real lies because they''re not intended to be taken seriously. They just give the person fibbing plausible deniability because they didn''t actually admit the truth," he said.

    "Right. You keep telling yourself that," I said.

    "Don''t worry, I will," the Devil grinned wide.

    "So what now? Raphael''s dead and Lilith is trapped in the sword. We can''t stop the bank heist if we don''t know where it is and Lilith is presumably the only person who knows," I said.

    "She can just tell us through the sword," he said.

    "Wait, why do you talk so much like me?" I said. "Your speech patterns are very similar to mine. What''s that about?"

    "Oh, I adopt the speech patterns of people I''m in a bet or competition with. It makes them more relaxed and more likely to trust me and let their guard down. And that''s when I strike!" He said all proud of himself.

    "You must be really proud of yourself. Taking advantage of and manipulating people. Must make you feel a real big man," I said.

    "You know what? I do. I really do," he said wistfully.

    "You''re such an asshole," I said.

    "You take that back!" Lucifer said.

    "I won''t take something back when it''s true!" I said.

    "Ahhhh!!!" Lucifer yelled as he tackled me to the ground. Azrael''s sword went flying. Lucifer got on top of me and started slapping me. "Take it back!"

    "No!" I said, putting my hands up in front of my face.

    "Stop that! Take your beating like a man!" He said, trying to pull my hands away from my face.

    "I bet you wouldn''t if you were in my position," I said, slapping him instead.

    "I don''t have to because I''m not a man!" Lucifer said, holding hands with my hands and struggling.

    "If you''re not a man, then what are you?" I said, smashing our hands together to try to hurt him.

    "I''m a fallen angel. We don''t have genders," he said, bending my hands backwards at angles they weren''t supposed to go. It didn''t hurt since I was invincible, though.

    "Wait, so you''re like a ken doll down there?" I said, headbutting him.

    "No, I have a penis," he said, returning the headbutt. "And balls."

    "Wait, then, how are you not a man?" I asked, kicking him off me.

    "I am not defined by my genitals!" He yelled as he dove at me.

    "I guess I don''t disagree with you!" I yelled as I kicked him off and pushed him back into the air and behind me.

    "Good! We''re in agreement that I''m not an asshole," he said as he landed on his back behind me.

    "I didn''t say that!" I said, getting up and turning around.

    My eyes widened as I saw Azrael''s sword was stuck in the ground between Lucifer''s legs. Its proximity to his aforementioned penis and balls was not what concerned me. What concerned me is that it was sinking into the ground vertically.

    "Grab it!" I yelled, pointing at the sword. I was ten feet away. Much too far to grab it myself. It would sink into the ground by the time I got there.

    "Ok, I guess," Lucifer grabbed his crotch.

    "That''s not what I meant," I said. "Grab the sword!"

    "I just did," he said, looking down at his crotch. That''s when he noticed the sword sinking into the ground. His eyes widened as he realized the implications. "Oh, shit!" He tried to grab it, but it was too late. The sword had sunk too far into the ground to pull it out. Only a small portion of the hilt was sticking out. Lucifer grabbed it with his fingertips but he couldn''t get a good grip on such a small portion of the sword and it sank the rest of the way into the ground and disappeared.

    "Fuck!" I said, holding my head.

    "Fuck!" Lucifer said, grabbing his crotch again.

    "Why is that the first thing you grab when the worst thing possible happens?" I asked.

    "It''s reassuring," he said.

    "Reassuring how?" I said.

    "Reassuring that at least I still have my boys with me," he said.

    "You''re weird," I said.

    "I take that as a compliment," he said.

    "Take it however you want. We need to get that sword back! Who makes a sword where the hilt is the same width as the blade?" I said. "Not only is our only lead trapped in it, but it''s also our only way to destroy the devil''s trap. Who knows where we are now? We could be trapped in the middle of a desert for all we know. That would leave us stranded. We can''t use the Gostelf corridor because Raphael was the only one who knew how to access it. And now he''s dead! We''re fucked!"

    "You don''t know that we''re in a desert. We could be in the city somewhere," he said.

    "Let''s find out. Sarah blew a hole through a wall over there. Let''s take that and see if it leads outside," I said, pointing into the dark in the direction I remembered the hole being.

    "There''s no light coming from it. That''s not a good sign. Maybe it''s nighttime?" He said.

    We walked over to the hole and walked through. Lucifer pulled his overhead light through the hole. It was dark out and we were standing on asphalt. There were no lights or buildings to be seen anywhere, which also wasn''t a good sign. I started walking in a straight line away from the building, and Lucifer followed.

    Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.

    "Where are you going?" He said.

    "I''m trying to see if the asphalt leads to street or a road or what I fear, sand and shrubbery," I said as we came upon the point where the asphalt ended. It ended where sand and shrubbery began. "Shit. It''s a desert. We''re trapped in a fucking desert miles away from civilization at night.

    "Hey, at least we''re not in a desert in the daytime," he said.

    As if to punctuate his statement, the sky began to become markedly brighter.

    "Oh no," I said.

    "What?" Lucifer said, apparently not noticing it.

    "It''s about to be daytime very soon," I said. "Look at the sky."

    "Shit, you''re right. We better get moving then," he said. He began walking out onto the sand.

    "What are you doing?" I said.

    "What do you mean? We need to get to civilization somehow," he said.

    "Just because it''s a building in the middle of nowhere doesn''t mean it doesn''t have a parking lot or a road to get here. If we take the road, we''re more likely to reach civilization faster," I said.

    "Oh, right," he said, smacking his forehead. "Duh."

    "We just need to walk around the building to find the road leading here," I said.

    "Right," he said. "Let''s do that then. Left or right?"

    "Left," I said.

    "Why left?" He asked.

    "Because it''s the first thing that popped into my mind. Does it matter? Either way, we''ll get where we''re going," I said.

    "Well, I want to go right. I''m still upset with you and I need a moment alone," he said.

    "That''s fair I guess. You go right, I''ll go left," I said. I started walking left.

    "What if I want to go left?" He said.

    "Now you''re just being obnoxious," I said.

    "You''re right. I am. You got a problem with that?" He said.

    "No, I guess not. Just don''t get lost," I said, walking right.

    Lucifer walked left, taking the floating light with him and leaving me without a light to guide my steps. I threw my hands up. "Great. Just great. One of the most powerful beings in existence is throwing a pity party for himself, and I''m stuck in the dark."

    The sky was starting to get light enough and my eyes were adjusting to the dark to the point that I could mostly see, so it wasn''t as big of a problem as I thought it would be, but I was still annoyed. Why was he acting like such a baby? He was an asshole. He was the Devil, for Christ''s sake! He was literally famous for being an asshole.

    Wait! My karmic rebalancing ability. Maybe I could get the sword back! I internally pressed the mental button that activated the ability and the scales snapped back into balance. A solid metal black flashlight appeared in my hand and it was on. Wow! That''s all the juice I had in the tank? A flashlight so I could see in the dark? Now that was just disappointing. I mean, I guess I didn''t earn much karma by slap fighting the devil. And my invincibility was on, so I didn''t get hurt at all. Speaking of getting hurt, my jaw still hurt from when Raphael and Lucifer punched me. I guess his heals had to be targeted. They weren''t fix alls.

    How were we going to get the sword back? For all I knew, it was traveling towards the center of the earth. I needed to ask Lucifer about that when we met up around the side of the building. I walked around the side of the large rectangular building, pointing my flashlight at the building every so often. There wasn''t anything peculiar or interesting about it other than it was a building in the middle of the desert. But that wasn''t that strange. I''d seen building seemingly in the middle of nowhere while driving before. Everyone has. Didn''t know what they were for, but I didn''t ask questions and as far as I knew, no one else did either.

    As I thought more about it on a personal level, I could understand why he didn''t like being labeled as an asshole so badly. I mean, I wouldn''t like it. Just because a person has done a lot of wrong, didn''t mean they enjoyed being called an asshole all of a sudden. And those kinds of things tended to wear on a person. The more you get called something negative, the more it wears on you until you finally snap. Maybe this was just his snapping moment. I''m sure he''d been called that a lot over the many years he''s been alive. The media painted him that way. Just because it was right didn''t mean it didn''t hurt him.

    When I came around the side of the building, I saw a small parking lot with two cars parked in the lot. The best I could guess is they belonged to Sarah and the tentacle monster. I don''t know how such a massive thing could fit into a car to drive, but one of the cars was a pickup. Maybe it sat in the back.

    I saw Lucifer come around the corner of the building shortly after I did. He didn''t look as upset as he did before. Maybe he had time to cool off like I did.

    When we got within speaking distance, I said, "I''m sorry I called you an asshole."

    "It''s all good, bro. I am an asshole. I just don''t like to admit it," Lucifer said.

    "I get it, man. Now, what you say we go hot wire a car real quick?" I said, pointing at the pickup.

    "You know how to do that?" He said.

    "Don''t you?" I said.

    "No. Why would I know that?" He said.

    "But you''re the Devil. Aren''t you supposed to be good at everything, especially mischief?" I said.

    "That''s largely exaggerated. I''m just a fallen angel. Nothing more, nothing less. If anything, I''m less skilled than most people, because I don''t spend much time on Earth. Believe or not, being the Devil is a full-time job. They''re probably running around like chickens with their heads cut off down there without me." He said.

    "Then how are going to hot-wire this car?" I said.

    "I thought you were going to do it." Lucifer said.

    "I don''t know how to do that. I''m a degenerate gambler with a minor ability to read people. I''m not a car thief." I said.

    "Then I guess we aren''t hot-wiring a car," Lucifer said. He paused for a beat, then he said, "Try the visor trick!"

    "The what now?" I said.

    "You know the thing where the hero jumps into a car and the keys are in the visor?" He said.

    I stared at him incredulously. "You think that happens in real life?" I said.

    "Just try it. For me?" He said, putting his hands together pleadingly.

    "Fine," I said. I tried opened both cars. Both were locked. "They''re locked. Guess your visor trick didn''t pan out."

    "Break the windows," he said.

    "You think they would lock the cars with the keys behind the visor?" I said, staring at him, shocked.

    "I guess not. I didn''t really think that one through," he said.

    "Clearly. I guess we''re walking," I said. "Wait. Maybe we can use my karmic rebalancing ability. Beat me up and make it hurt."

    "Didn''t I already do that?" He said.

    "I won that fight and you know it," I said.

    "Fine," he said, snapping his fingers. He got into a fighting stance. "Wahhh!!! Hiya!" He punched me in the chest, sending me flying and tumbling along the ground.

    "Are those sound effects really necessary?" I said, getting up.

    "No, but I do it anyway, because they''re fun and they make me feel like I''m in a kung fu movie. Watahh!!" He punched me again, sending me flying again and tumbling on the ground.

    "This is taking a lot longer than I expected," I said, coughing up blood. "Wait! Wait! I''m coughing up blood. That can''t be good."

    "It certainly isn''t," he said, waving his hand over me, healing me. "I can''t have you dying on me and winning that bet."

    "Of course, that''s the first thing you think of," I said. "I''m going to try the karmic rebalancing thing now."

    I held my hand out and pressed the mental button, preparing for a set of keys to fall into my hand. I was not prepared for what actually fell into my hand. Ten thousand dollars. A nice neat rather small stack of cash.

    "Ok, that helps nothing," I said, staring at it.

    "Want me to beat you up again?" Lucifer said, cracking his knuckles.

    "No, I''m good. The first time was unpleasant enough. Let''s just walk," I said.

    There was a road leading out of the parking lot and off into the desert. We started walking. As we were walking, I said, "How are we even going to get the sword back? It''s probably halfway to China by now."

    "If we''re lucky, the Mole People will have it," he said.

    "The who?" I said.

    "The Mole People," he said.

    "Oh, yeah. Why didn''t I think of that?" I said.

    "I don''t know. Why didn''t you think of it?" He said.

    "Because Mole People don''t exist!" I said.

    "Yes they do," he said.

    "They do?" I said, raising an eyebrow.

    "Sure they do. My father made them when he was building the underground atmosphere generators. Someone has to maintain them," he said.

    "There are underground atmosphere generators? Couldn''t God just wave his magic hands and make the atmosphere exist?" I said.

    "First, don''t say that name in my presence. Second, then he would have to maintain the atmosphere with those same magic hands. Too much work," Lucifer said.

    "So he made Mole People whose sole job it is to maintain these generators?" I said, still not sure I believed him.

    "Yes," he said matter-of-factly.

    "Ok. How are we going to get down there?" I said.

    "The Subterranean Elevator, of course. Well, one of them. There are many," he said.

    "Ok. Are there any nearby?" I said.

    "How would I know? I don''t know where we are," he said.

    "Right. Don''t you have like internal GPS or something?" I said.

    "I do, but devil''s traps screw it up. I would call one of my fallen brothers to come pick us up, but devil''s traps work on all fallen angels, so they''re just as screwed as we are right now," he said.

    "We need to destroy that devil''s trap soon or they''ll get trapped out here too."

    "Wait, you''re not the only Devil?" I said.

    "No. I am the only Devil, but there are devils, lower-case d. It''s a title, but it''s also a category. Devil is a term used for all fallen angels," he said.

    "I feel like I''m learning so much right now," I said.

    "You are, but let''s shut that off for now. I want to let my mind rest while we walk. Too much is happening too fast, and I''m getting a little overwhelmed," Lucifer said.

    "Ok. Let''s walk then," I said.

    And we did. We walked for miles before hitting the first sign of civilization. It was a diner, of course. It was appropriately named the Nowhere Diner. Boy, was I happy to see it. I was glad I kept that $10,000, because before that I was flat broke. I was getting waffles!

 Chapter 8: The Nowhere Diner

    "This is the best thing since sliced Jesus!" The Devil said as he wolfed down pumpkin spice pancakes.

    I stared at him for a long time, eventually breaking the silence by saying, "What is wrong with you?"

    Lucifer looked up with pancake in his mouth. "What?" Bits of pancake exploded out of his mouth and onto his plate.

    "Don''t talk with your mouth full," I said. "Didn''t your mother teach you any manners?"

    "I don''t have a mother," he said, a single tear trailing down his cheek.

    "Oh, shit. I''m sorry," I said with genuine sympathy. I didn''t realize how untraditional his upbringing was. He wasn''t born. He was just created, fully grown. That must have been hell. I actually felt bad for him. It clearly did him no favors.

    Lucifer wiped the tear away. "It''s ok. I didn''t need one. I turned out alright."

    "Right," I said, not wanting to point out the many things wrong with that statement.

    The waitress walked up to our booth and said, "Coffee refill?"

    "Yes, please," I said, pushing my empty cup in her direction.

    "Thank you, uh, Doris," Lucifer said, making a point to look at her name tag. Just the thing he joked he would never do.

    I wondered how much of that was sincere thanks and how much of it was him just mimicking me to make me think we were bonding until he fucked me over like he had fucked over every other person who thought he was their friend. I would have to keep a close eye on him and try to stay emotionally detached. At least until I''d hopefully won the bet by some miracle. Or in this case, by some tragic accident, killing me before he can.

    "You''re welcome, hun," she said, pouring coffee for Lucifer and I.

    "This is going to sound strange, but where are we?" I asked Doris, the waitress.

    "That doesn''t sound strange at all," she said. "You''re in Nevada. The number one state for people to wake up after a wild night out and end up in. You missed Vegas by a bit, though."

    "If we''re not in Vegas, then where are we?" I said.

    "You''re in Beatty, Nevada. You missed the bright lights of Vegas by about two hours, and the skeezy brothels of Pahrump by about an hour. But hey, you''re on the way to Death Valley!"

    "Oh, great. Death is just the thing I need right now," I said.

    "I know hangovers suck, especially when you''re not 16 anymore and can bounce right back from a night of drinking, but you shouldn''t joke about death like that. It might actually sneak up on you if you''re not careful," Doris said.

    "I know, but if you knew the night we had, you''d understand. Wait, don''t you mean 21?" I said looking up at her from leaning exhaustedly on the table.

    "Nope," she said with a straight face. "Why don''t you hit me with it? I''m always up for adding new crazy stories to my collection."

    "Ok. I got stabbed and so did he," I pointed at Lucifer. "The hospital fixed us up and discharged us, but it was certainly a lot of pain and excitement I didn''t need. And the worst thing is, it was my ex-girlfriend that did it."

    "Wow! That is a wild night out. It''s not particularly extraordinary, especially the ex-girlfriend part, but certainly a new one in my book," she said, taking notes on her notepad. I''m pretty sure that was supposed to be used for customer orders, but who was I to question her use of her own notepad?

    "If you want extraordinary, I''ll tell you what she stabbed us with. A sword she had lit on fire!" I said.

    "Ok, that is extraordinary! Good job. Let me pick my jaw up off the floor real quick." She actually bent down to pick up her imaginary jaw from the floor. She wrote furiously in her notepad, then she leaned in. "Can I see the wounds?"

    "Sure," I said. I looked at Lucifer and said, "Lucy, let''s show her the wounds." I winked with my opposite eye so she couldn''t see it. I expected him to magically put bandages on us or something.

    Lucifer casually waved his hand and then lifted up his shirt. There was a burned stitched up vertical stab wound in his abdomen. I lifted my shirt up, and I had a similar wound to show her.

    Doris''s eye went wide, and she said, "Oh my God!" She reached out as if to touch our wounds and then pulled her hand back. "Those are real! Really real! How are you two even conscious? Did you take anything for the pain? Let me get you two some pies on the house. My daddy always said pie was good for the soul, and stab wounds."

    "Did he really say that?" Lucifer said.

    "Shut up you. Don''t you know not to tease a woman about her jokes?" I said.

    "No. No one taught me any manners, remember? I didn''t have a mom to do that. Remember?" He said.

    "Oh yeah. I forgot," I said.

    "He''s right, you know. You don''t tease women about their jokes. I''m sorry to hear your mother wasn''t in your life. That sounds worse than growing up without a father. Your mother is supposed to instill love into your heart. I can''t imagine what my life would be like without my mother," she said.

    "No, I mean I didn''t¡ª" Lucifer started to say.

    "How about that pie?" I said, interrupting him. "What flavors do you have?"

    "Too many," she said, smiling. "Just name a flavor, and I''ll tell you if we have it."

    "Ok. I''ll go with something simple. You have to have apple pie, right? I mean, what''s a collection of pies without apple? That''s like selling dress shirts in every color except white," I said.

    This story originates from Royal Road. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.

    "Right, you are, young man. We do have apple. Did you want that by itself or ¨¤ la mode?"

    "¨¤ la mode, please," I said, grinning at her.

    "Do you have anything spicy?" Lucifer asked.

    "You want spicy pie?" She said incredulously.

    "Oh. I meant more like pumpkin spicy. Those pancakes were delicious and I can''t get enough of this pumpkin spice stuff!"

    "Oh, that makes sense. Yeah, we have that. We have pumpkin spice everything right now. Tis the season to be Fall-y," she said.

    "I like what you did there," I said, pointing finger guns at her.

    "Thank you very much," she said, doing a light curtsy.

    I waited for a beat and then said, "Do you know of a bus or taxi service that could take us back to LA? We really did just wake up here without a car or any means of transportation."

    "No, sorry. We don''t have any taxis out here or even Uber, and the closest charter bus services are hours away in Vegas and I think in Reno too," she said with a worried look on her face. And her face lit up like a light bulb had gone off. "Actually, my cousin Tommy does long distance tow truck services. Maybe he''d give you a ride. For reasonable compensation, of course. I hope you didn''t wake up here without your wallet."

    "No, I have my wallet," I said, patting my pocket with the money in it. "I actually have cash on me, if that works better."

    "If we were in the city, I''d tell you to keep your voice down, unless you want someone to rob you, but out here in this peaceful little town, you''re fine. Yeah, cash would probably be preferable. No taxes that way," she said with a wink.

    "Of course," I said, laughing. "Well, that sounds great. When do you think we could get that ride? Do we need to wait til later after he''s off work or something?"

    "No, he sets his own hours. As long as he''s not doing a job right now, he can be around in twenty minutes, I''d say. Let me text him and find out," she said. "I''ll be right back." She walked into the back, pulling her phone out.

    "Good work," Lucifer said. "But we should go to Vegas instead."

    "Why? Because it''s called ''Sin City''?" I said.

    "No. Because that''s where the closest subterranean elevator is," he said. "Although her previous mention of brothels does have me a little worked up."

    "No. Stop that! Bad Lucifer! We''re not delaying saving Lilith and getting the sword back so you can visit a brothel and impregnate all the women there," I said.

    "Hey, I''m not a fool! I wrap my tool. I don''t want to pay child support," he said.

    "Regardless, it''s time we don''t have to spend," I said.

    "Fine. We''ll go straight to the elevator. Despite how fun it would be to manipulate your karma ability for financial gain," he said.

    "Yes, despite how fun it would be for you to beat the life out of me and exchange my misery and suffering for cash, we need to stay focused," I said. "I do love me a good gamble, but saving the world is far too important and pressing to waste time on that right now."

    "Wow. Look at you being responsible. My little man''s growing up," he said, putting his hand on my shoulder.

    "While I appreciate the encouragement, I feel obligated to say, you''re not my real dad and I''ll never call you my dad, so stop trying to make me," I said, laughing. Dumb jokes. Sometimes I couldn''t help myself.

    "Well, Dave, your mother and I have discussed it and we think you should call me Dad from now on," Lucifer said in a sterotypical dad''s voice, playing into my joke.

    "You two look like you''re having fun," Doris said, walking back up to our booth. "Have you been friends long?"

    "Oh, yeah. So long. Try last night," Lucifer said.

    "Yeah, we actually met at a Halloween party last night. That''s how we ended up in Nevada somehow," I said.

    "Oh. You know, sometimes chance meetings can lead to the longest friendships," she said. "My cousin Tommy says he can come right now."

    "That''s great! Minor change in destination. We need to get to Vegas. Apparently, we left some friends there we need to meet up with. But since I did initially say LA was our destination, what if I paid Tommy the same as I would if we were going to LA?" I said.

    "Wow! You don''t need to do that, but Tommy could really use the money. There really isn''t that much towing business in a town of 800 people," she said.

    "I understand," I said. "Let Tommy know we''re ready now." I got up and dropped $300 on the table. "That''s for the food, the coffee, the hospitality, and for saving our asses from being stranded in the middle of nowhere."

    Doris picked up the money and said, "Thanks! You do know your food was only $30, right?"

    "I know. The rest is your tip. Sorry, I didn''t give more," I said. "Actually, here you go. Do something nice for yourself or maybe put it towards your mortgage." I handed her $700 more. I would''ve given more, but I didn''t know what random expenses might come up during our investigation.

    "Wow! Thank you!" She said, hugging me. I didn''t expect it and I awkwardly patted her back.

    "No problem," I said. "I just happened to have the cash on me." Which was true. I didn''t have to mention that it technically wasn''t mine. Well, I guess it was now, but I had no idea where it came from.

    "God bless you," she said.

    Lucifer winced at the mention of the word. He stood up from the table as well.

    "I''m sure he does," I said. "Thank you."

    We walked out of the diner into the hot Nevada weather. We weren''t waiting more than a few minutes when a tow truck pulled up and the driver rolled down the window. "Are you fellas, the people I''m picking up?"

    "Yes, sir," I said.

    He was older, like Doris. They both seemed to be in their 50s. He had salt-and-pepper greying hair, and a well trimmed white beard. He wore a mechanic''s jumpsuit with the nametag "Tommy" on it. Lucifer and I squeezed into his truck. There was only one seat, but luckily, it was built to sit three. I handed Tommy $1,500, and his eyes bugged out.

    "$1,500 for a two-hour drive? Are you crazy?" He said, shaking the money.

    "Nope. Just, generous," I said.

    "You got that right," he said, putting the car in drive.

    It was a two-hour drive, like he said. We sat without speaking, listening to the radio play oldies the whole way. He dropped us off at a familiar location. It read, "The Last Temptation Casino."

    "Well, you fellas have a good day now, you hear?" Tommy said.

    "Thanks again," I said.

    "We appreciate it," Lucifer said, very lackluster.

    Good thing Tommy didn''t notice. He just nodded his head, smiled, and drove off into the sunset. Not literally. It was still morning. About 10 am, I would have guessed.

    "Meph has a subterranean elevator?" I said.

    "Yes. He''s one of the few people I can trust to guard one well," he said, straightening his tie. "Man, it was stuffy in there."

    "I didn''t think it was that bad, but to each their own, I guess," I said, shrugging.

    When we walked into the casino, the guards took us up to Mephistopheles'' office, but this time they weren''t as hostile. They understood we were welcome guests.

    Mephistopheles did his turning around in his chair routine again and said, "What brings you back so soon?"

    "I''ll tell you what brings us back so soon!" I yelled. Then softly, I said, "We need to borrow your elevator."

    "Which one?" He said.

    "You have others?" I said.

    "Let''s keep the other elevators need to know," Lucifer said. "We need to use your subterranean elevator."

    "Yeah, well, I need to know about these other elevators," I said.

    "Shush you. If you''re good, I might show them to you sometime," Lucifer said.

    "Will this be before or after you kill me?" I said.

    "Ugh. Just come on!" Lucifer said.

    Mephistopheles pulled out a key ring and opened what looked like a bookcase, but after he unlocked it, he slid it to the side to reveal a service elevator. As far as service elevators go, it was unremarkable other than being bright red. Then he put a key into the panel next to the elevator and turned the key to turn it on and open the door. I looked at the key and then at him suspiciously.

    He noticed my look. "Don''t worry. The elevator can''t be shut down when it''s down there. So you won''t get trapped."

    "But then you can just call the elevator up and shut it down," I said.

    "I won''t do that. Even if I did somehow do that, there are other subterranean elevators designed to bring people to the surface that can''t be shut down from the top," he said, smiling devilishly. Sorry. Demonically. I have to make sure I use the right terminology.

    Lucifer stepped inside and said, "Shall we?"

    "Sure," I said, stepping inside.

    There were only two buttons. ''L'' for ''Lobby'' and SB for ''Sub-Basement'', Lucifer told me. He pressed ''SB''. The doors closed, and we began to descend into the deep recesses of the earth.

 Chapter 9: The Mole People v. Dave

    After Lucifer pressed the button to take us to the sub-basement and the elevator door closed, the elevator rapidly accelerated down. It accelerated so quickly that I flew up and slammed against the ceiling. At the same time, Lucifer did a half backflip and landed with his feet on the ceiling. He stood up on the ceiling and stayed like that comfortably.

    "Ow," I said. "Why didn''t you tell me that would happen?"

    "It''s funnier this way," he said, pointing and laughing at me.

    "It''s good to know you have the maturity of a twelve-year-old," I said, standing up.

    We stayed that way for a few minutes before the elevator started to slow down and we gently drifted back to the floor. I awkwardly righted myself and stood back up as the elevator slowed to a stop and dinged. The door to the elevator opened and hot moist air wafted in. We stepped out onto a steel platform. I stared out into a vast darkness without a light in sight.

    Lucifer put something in my hands and said, "Wear these. The mole people don''t like bright lights, so I can''t use my floaty light down here."

    In the dim light from the open elevator door, I fumbled with what appeared to be night vision goggles. Once I had them securely fastened to my head, Lucifer flicked a switch on them and they turned on. I looked back out, away from the steel platform, and suddenly felt dizzy. We were hundreds of feet above the ground without a visible way down that I could see. Out in what was once just darkness, I could see massive generators running and producing steam. Mole people walked between the machines in semi-organized fashion.

    I had an overwhelming urge to hug them. They were so cute and small. They were about half my height and covered in soft fur. I heard a noise to my left and saw a platform lift rise up, level with the platform we were on. There were several mole people on the platform in work uniforms.

    They came up to us and the one in front said, "Hi. My name is Timothy, which I understand in your surface speak is pronounced ''Tim''. So you may call me Tim. To what do we owe the pleasure of the presence of surface dwellers in our humble work and living space?" He took his work hat off when he said this.

    "We wish to retrieve something that may have accidentally found its way down here through pure coincidence and no fault of our own," Lucifer said. He leaned in toward me. "Follow my lead and say nothing unless directly spoken to. They do things a little different down here. Understand?"

    "Understood," I said. He was acting very out of character for him. Like he was actually nervous of these people. It concerned me.

    "Oh. We have happened upon a strange and dangerous artifact that fell down here not too long ago. It appears to be some sort of weapon. Is this the ''something'' you to which you refer?" Tim said.

    "I apologize for my frankness, but it severely injured and crippled Jonathan, who you may call Jon. He can no longer work, so he will soon be put out of commission, instead of leaving him to slowly rot away in solitude for being lame and unuseful."

    "I''m sorry. Put out of commission? What do you mean?" I said.

    "Speak only when spoken to, I said!" Lucifer said to me, then turned back to Tim. "I am deeply apologetic, but this one often speaks out of turn. He is not right in the head, you see."

    "I am sorry to hear that. We can put him out of commission as well, if you so desire such a result? ''Two birds with one stone,'' as you surface dwellers say?" Tim said.

    "I am very grateful for your generous offer, but I am afraid I will have to decline. We like to clean up our own refuse, if you understand what I am referring to?" Lucifer said.

    "Oh, yes. We too like to ''clean up our own messes,'' as you say," Tim winked.

    "Indubitably," Lucifer nodded his head and winked back.

    "The time for the ceremony draws near, so I politely request that you accompany us to it. We will see to the matter of returning the artifact to your custody in due time," he said.

    "Please construct a path upon which we may walk," Lucifer said.

    "Indubitably," Tim said.

    "Indubitably," Lucifer said.

    Tim led the group of adorable mole people and us to a public square where Jon sat in a chair on an elevated platform with a clear glass helmet around his head and a high-tech collar at the base. It appeared the mole people used quite advanced technology compared to us surface dwellers. I mean, compared to humans. Jon was missing a leg, but otherwise looked fine and healthy.

    Tim led us up to the platform and pulled a small microphone out of his work uniform. "Hear ye, hear ye. I, Timothy, or Tim, shall conduct this decommissioning ceremony. As you all understand, Jonathan, or Jon, will be deprived of oxygen until his life functions have ceased. This is the ruling of the mole people."

    "And let it be so!" the gathered mole people in the square all shouted at once.

    This wasn''t right. It was Lucifer''s and my fault he was injured. If we hadn''t fought, none of this would have happened. I turned to Lucifer. "Heal him."

    "No," Lucifer said.

    "Why not?" I said.

    "I don''t want to turn them against us," he said.

    "You''re afraid of these little creatures?" I said.

    "No, I''m afraid of what my father will do to me if I hurt any of them," he said.

    "What do you think he''ll do to you if you don''t save the one who is about to die because of us?" I said.

    "What are you talking about? It was your fault for calling me an asshole," he said.

    "Do you think your father will see it that way?" I said.

    Lucifer''s head sagged. After a moment, he said, "Probably not."

    "Right. Now save him," I said.

    "Fine!" Lucifer said. Lucifer came up to Tim and grabbed the microphone, saying, "I regret to or happily inform you, depending on your perspective, that this decommissioning ceremony will not be performed due to my need to rectify the circumstances under which it is required."

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    Then he handed the microphone back to Tim and walked over to Jon. Lucifer waved his hand over Jon''s stump. As Lucifer waved his hand, Jon''s leg appeared behind it as if my magic. No regeneration or anything. Just no leg, then leg.

    Tim spoke into the microphone and said, "Ladies and gentlemoles, I do not believe what it is that I am seeing. Lord Lucifer, first of his name, has healed Jonathan''s, or Jon''s, leg! Oh, joyous day! Jonathan, or Jon, may continue to work among us as all mole people should."

    "I have one query. What is it you are referring to when you say, "rectify"? That implies that some wrong has been committed."

    Lucifer snatched the microphone from Tim again and said, "You are most correct, good sir, Tim. A wrong has been committed. By this man!" Lucifer pointed at me. "He is the one who dropped the artifact that injured good sir Jon."

    Tim grabbed the microphone back and said, "Guards, restrain this man! He will face trial for the wrong he has committed!"

    I looked at Lucifer. "What are you doing?"

    Lucifer slowly walked up to me and lowered his voice. "Giving you what you asked for," he said. "You wanted me to heal him, so I did."

    "Yeah, but you didn''t have to tell them I dropped the sword!" I said.

    One of the mole guards attached high tech looking cuffs to my wrists, and another attached cuffs to my ankles. My wrists and ankles snapped together as some force, probably magnetism, pulled them toward each other.

    "That''s not how it works down here," Lucifer said. "People don''t do kind things without a reason and people don''t do cruel things without a reason. Everything has to have a reason. If I had healed him without blaming you, they would have suspected I had done something wrong and I''d be in your position. And I very much do not want to be in your position. You don''t know what kind of trouble you''re in. They have ways of dealing with invincible people that horrify even me."

    "Wow. Thanks for throwing me under the bus to save your own ass," I said.

    "You''re welcome," Lucifer said. "Hey, I never said I was a nice person. You assumed that."

    "I guess I''ve learned my lesson, huh?" I said glaring at him.

    "Have you?" Lucifer said, raising his eyebrows. "Because you still seem to think we''re friends. We are not friends. Temporary allies. That''s all. You volunteered to help prevent the apocalypse, and I took you up on your offer. Nothing more. Now, I get to walk away with the sword and Lilith, and more importantly, the information that will help me stop the apocalypse while you rot away down here in my place."

    "Screw you," I said.

    "When and where, young man. When and where," he said, with a shit-eating grin.

    I struggled with the cuffs, just trying to get into a less uncomfortable position, but I realized the cuffs were too strong for me to do anything. Even if I wanted to break out, I couldn''t. Just because I was invincible didn''t mean I had super strength. "I hope I never see your ugly face ever again."

    "Hey, take that back," he said. "I have a handsome face."

    "No. I won''t," I said.

    "Fine," he said and walked away. He didn''t disappear into the crowd like he probably intended to. The mole people were half his height, so he towered over them, but he stood a good hundred feet away and watched.

    "Would you kindly decrease the force intensity on the ankle cuffs?" Tim said to a guard. The guard pressed a button on a remote and my ankles stopped being forced together.

    They pushed me along and led me out of the square. The cuffs made my steps slow and difficult, but I was walking at the same pace as the tiny mole people, so I didn''t fall behind. I wondered if I could just escape and run away, but with the cuffs being able to fully pull my ankles together, I wouldn''t get far. I asked myself why I didn''t stop them from putting the cuffs on me in the first place. One half of the answer was that I didn''t want to hurt them, and the other half was that I underestimated their capabilities.

    We arrived at what looked like a stereotypical court house. It had the stone steps and the pillars outside and the writing etched in stone. It was just smaller. Lucifer and I fit inside, but only because court houses were designed with high ceilings. They were high for the mole people, but normal for us. The court house was set against a cave wall. I wasn''t sure what that was about, but it seemed important.

    I searched deep within my soul to see if I still found these mole people who were so dangerous that they even scared Lucifer, cute, and unfortunately, the answer was yes. I was still actively underestimating them. I still thought what could they possibly do to me that it scared even an immortal being like lucifer? The only thing I had working for me, was that I knew I was underestimating them. I couldn''t imagine how, but I knew whatever it was, I should be scared of it. And I was.

    They walked us into a courtroom and Tim climbed up to the judge''s chair and sat down. He pulled judge''s robes from behind the seat and put them on. Jon stood below the judge''s chair. The guards had removed his suffocation helmet.

    "Will all please rise for the honorable judge, Timothy, or Tim, as surface dwellers may prefer?" Jon said.

    Jon was the bailiff? What the hell? This felt like a nightmare. The person who I had convinced Lucifer to save was going to be part of the proceedings to put me to death, or worse. I knew it was the right thing to do morally, but boy did I wonder if I had made a terrible mistake in terms of my personal well-being.

    Everyone was already standing, since we had just walked in here. Lucifer stood in the back, looking very amused.

    Tim cleared his throat. "You may be seated," he said while adjusting his robes. "We are gathered here on this day to proceed on the unfortunate incident involving criminal negligence resulting in worker incapacitation, which caused the necessity of a decommissioning ceremony. It is only by the grace of Lord Lucifer that Jonathan, or Jon, was spared of his fate."

    He shuffled paper on his desk. "For the record, please state your name as it appears on surface documents."

    "Dave," I said.

    "Your full legal name. As I understand it, children on the surface are always born with at least a first and last name, most often but not always with a middle name." The judge said.

    I sighed. "Beauregard David Daverson."

    "No way! That is precious!" I heard Lucifer say from the back.

    "We didn''t ask for comments from the peanut gallery," I said.

    Tim slammed his gavel. "Order! I will have order in this court!"

    "I apologize, your honor," I said.

    "See that it doesn''t happen again," Tim said.

    "Yes, sir," I said. I figured I might as well keep the peace while I was here. I didn''t want to make whatever awaited me worse.

    "Beauregard, what is your current occupation?" Tim asked.

    "Please, just call me Dave," I said.

    "Very well, I will heed the defendant''s personal request in how he is addressed, by henceforth referring to him simply as, Dave," he said.

    "Thank you, your honor," I said.

    "Dave, what is your current occupation?" He asked.

    "Unemployed bookkeeper," I said.

    "He failed to mention his illustrious former career in gambling!" Lucifer said.

    "An interruption from the gallery is most irregular. Despite our debt to you, great Lord Lucifer, please refrain from offering further commentary," Tim said.

    "My apologies, your honor," Lucifer said.

    "Duly noted. Now, please continue Dave," he said, leaning on the desk.

    "Bookkeeper and former professional poker player," I said through gritted teeth.

    "Defendant once supported himself by resorting to gambling," Tim said as he wrote something down.

    A murmur of disapproval made its way through the courtroom.

    "Order!" Tim said slamming his tiny gavel three times.

    "Damn it," I said under my breath.

    "What was that, Dave? I was unable to ascertain the contents of your statement," Tim said.

    "I was simply expressing my dissatisfaction with my current predicament to myself," I said. Oh no. I was talking like them now. Wait. Maybe I should take a note from Lucifer''s book and talk like this on purpose. Yes. That is what I do.

    "That is understandable, Dave, but please do try to keep those utterances to within your own mind. We do not desire for these proceedings to take any longer than is strictly necessary," he said.

    "Yes, your honor," I said.

    Someone walked up to Jon and handed him a roll of paper, and walked back. Jon looked at the scroll and said, "The prosecution wishes to present the formal charges, your honor."

    "You may proceed, Jonathan, or Jon," Tim, the judge said.

    Jon unrolled a freshly inked scroll. Jon got some of it on his shirt accidentally, but didn''t seem to notice. "The defendant stands accused of the following: One count of criminal negligence resulting in worker incapacitation, and one count of causing emotional distress and pain to the worker in question."

    Tim nodded. "Grave charges. Grave charges indeed. Does the defendant have legal representation, or shall we appoint one of our legal experts?"

    Before I could answer, a mole person wearing a well-tailored suit scurried forward to my defendant''s table. He sat down in the chair next to me.

    "Hi, my name is Bartholomew, but you may call be Bart, as you are a surface dweller," he said quickly grabbing my hand and shaking it without my consent.

    "Ok," I said in mild shock.

    "Now that the defendant has representation, how does your client plead?"

    Bart stood up and said, "My client pleads guilty, your honor."

    "What?" I said. What the hell was going on? Was I being set up?

 Chapter 10: Just Dave

    "My client wishes to plead guilty," Bart said.

    "What?" I said. "We didn''t discuss that! We haven''t discussed anything!"

    "Bartholomew, or Bart, would you kindly confer with your client what it is that he has chosen to plead?" Tim said.

    Bart leaned over to me and talked quietly, so I had to scrunch down to hear him due to our height difference. "If you plead guilty, he''ll give you a lighter sentence. I know this judge. You want a lighter sentence. Trust me."

    "What kind of sentences are we talking here? And how much lighter is lighter?" I whispered.

    "1 year of imprisonment vs 1 hour of imprisonment," he said.

    "Oh. I think I''ll take the 1 hour please and thank you," I said.

    "That''s what I thought," he said.

    My lawyer, Bart, stood up and said, "My client has confirmed that he wants to plead guilty."

    Tim looked over his tiny glasses at me and said, "That is a wise choice, young man. I thought we were going to have to bring out the Veracity Verification Device, or ''Truth Machine'' as you surface dwellers call it. It forces a person to speak the truth and only the truth, so help them God."

    "But seeing as we didn''t have to do that, and you made this process much easier on everyone, including yourself, I will grant you a lighter sentence. The standard punishment for your crimes is one year in the molten core, but given your guilty plea and cooperation, I hereby reduce your sentence to one hour of imprisonment in the molten core of the earth." He banged his gavel. "This trial is concluded. Bailiff, ready the cage so that we may deliver the sentence forthwith."

    "Yes, your honor," Jon said. Jon walked over to the wall and pressed a button. The wall began to slide up and hot air came wafting out.

    "Wait, what? In the molten core of the earth?" I said, shocked at what I just heard. They were going to drop me into the molten core of the earth! Fuck! I wanted out. I needed to get out.

    Without thinking, I bolted out of my chair and began running down the aisle to the courtroom door. Suddenly, my feet snapped together, and I fell forward onto the ground. Since I couldn''t pull my hands or feet apart, I began to inch worm my way towards the door.

    Jolts of electricity shot through my body, causing me to involuntarily spasm and convulse on the ground. Apparently, I wasn''t immune to the effects of electricity. Jon grabbed my arm and dragged me toward the open wall. He was surprisingly strong for someone so small. As he dragged me, I noticed Azrael''s sword laying on the table made out of some form of metal that wasn''t being scorched by the sword''s flames.

    They pulled me onto a metal grating that hung out over a deep but small chasm. I looked down and saw molten lava far below. I felt heat coming from the right and looked over. There was a metal tube issuing a steady pour of molten lava into a cage. The cage was a tall rectangle with thin criss crossing bars kind of like a deep fryer tray. Its function was very similar to a deep fryer tray, if you think about it. The cage seemed to be filtering the lava through its bars, but I couldn''t imagine what could survive the lava long enough to make it down here.

    Tim stood by me, still in his judge''s robes. "I can understand the fear that strikes a person deep within their soul when they hear they''ll be spending time in the molten core, so I will look past the further crime that you just committed and deliver the original sentence."

    "Now, before we begin, I would like to explain a few things. This method of punishment was devised when we realized all surface dwellers were immune to any form of physical damage. This was the only method that we could create to allow surface dwellers to experience the suffering they deliver onto others, like how you delivered suffering onto Jon through your criminally negligent handling of a dangerous artifact."

    "Now, all the metal you see here is made of a composite alloy that cannot be melted by magma. That cage you see there is where you''ll be spending your hour. That stream of magma you see pouring from the tube is filtered by the cage. It does this to catch any magical or non magical artifacts that survive the trip down, so that they don''t enter the molten core and can be returned to the surface dwellers when they come down to retrieve them."

    "It''s unfortunate that the artifact you dropped did not enter the underground magma flows and end up harmlessly caught in the cage. If that had happened, you wouldn''t need to be punished, but what actually occurred is what actually occurred. So punish you, we must. Now, Jonathan, or Jon, if you would so kindly detach the tube from the cage, close the tube, and cover up the hole in the cage, we will be able to begin."

    This couldn''t be happening, I thought. I did the right thing, didn''t I? So why must I suffer like this? This was far worse than what I imagined the punishment could be.

    Jon did as judge Tim asked and then opened the door of the cage. He grabbed me by the arm, led me into the cage, then closed and locked the door behind me. The grating below the cage dropped open. I was now floating out over empty space. Jon put his hand on the lever to lower me down. Lucifer stood behind the gathered mole people, watching. He didn''t offer any words, and he didn''t have any expression on his face either.

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    "Do you have any words you would like to say before we lower you in?" Tim asked.

    I thought hard. There had to be a way out of this, and then it came to me. My karmic rebalancing. Maybe it could give me something, anything, to get out of this mess. The scale was tilted down by bad karma, so whatever I got would be good. The question was, would it be good enough?

    I pressed the mental button, and the scales rebalanced. Suddenly, from behind the mole people and Lucifer, a familiar voice rang out. "Stop! Stop this right now! I can''t take it any longer! I''m the one at fault! I take responsibility for crippling Jon! Free Dave!"

    Everyone looked behind them, confused. There was no one there. Then the voice came again. "Stop this right now! I''m responsible! Do you hear me? I am responsible!" The sword flashed orange as Lilith''s voice spoke through it.

    "What the hell?" Tim said.

    Jon was so surprised that he pulled the lever all the way down. The cage just dropped. No, slowly lowering or nothing. I looked below as the molten core got closer and closer until the cage splashed into it. This was scarier than anything I had ever experienced. I felt the magma burn away my clothes and start to fill the cage. I felt it creep up my legs, up my torso, to my chest. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. Then I was fully submerged.

    It was hotter than I expected. I expected it to be hot, but I also expected my invincibility to protect me from it. It protected me from being burned alive, but it didn''t prevent me from feeling the heat. It was truly unbearable. Imagine the hottest spa tub or jacuzzi and multiply it by 100. I felt like I was melting. The worst was definitely the heat, but the second worst was the sensory deprivation. I couldn''t see, hear, smell, taste, or really feel anything on my skin except unimaginable heat.

    There was no way I would last a year down here. I''d lose my mind. I''d be a babbling mess after they brought me back up. I didn''t know if I could even last an hour down here. This was awful. I had to hope that Lilith would convince them to pull me back up soon. I just had to last until they pulled me back up. I kept telling myself that. Any second now they would pull me back up and I''d been fine.

    Seconds turned into minutes, and minutes began to feel like hours. I was boiling alive. Then, I felt a tug on the chain. The cage began to pull back up. I could feel it because the cage was putting more pressure on my feet. I could feel my feet! That was oddly comforting. Being able to feel anything except the heat was like seeing an old friend after a long time. I didn''t feel as cut off and alone.

    Once again, seconds turned to minutes turned to hours. The cage seemed to be pulled forever. I wondered if I would ever make it out of here. Maybe they were reeling in a mile of chain or something. After my mind had truly melted and I couldn''t think straight anymore, the cage was lifted out of the magma. I was suddenly cold from the heat going away so quickly. I curled up into a ball at the bottom of the cage, trying to warm myself up and stop shivering.

    After actual real minutes that felt like minutes, I was pulled up through the hole in the grating and the grating was closed. Jon pulled the cage door open and pulled me out, naked and afraid.

    "Does anyone have clothes I could wear? I feel naked," I said.

    "You are naked," Tim said.

    "I know. I don''t want to be," I said.

    Lucifer snapped his fingers, and clothes appeared in his hands. They were the same clothes I had been wearing. I don''t mean they looked the same. I mean, they were the same. The knees on the jeans were worn and frayed in all the same places, and my shirt even had the barely noticeable hole in the side.

    As I put the clothes on, I asked Tim, "How long was I down there for?"

    "About 10 minutes. Why?" he said.

    "It felt like hours," I said. "It felt like my skin was burning off."

    "I am truly sorry about that. Once the sword confessed to the crime of crippling Jon, we tried to reel you back in right away, but so much chain had been released that it simply took that long," Tim said.

    "To hear you describe it like that, I''m not sure the punishment fits the crime. Maybe we should construct a smaller punishment, like community service, for criminal negligence, and leave the molten core for the truly heinous crimes like murder and other such things," Tim said.

    Once I was finished dressing myself, I asked Tim, "May I take the sword now?"

    "You may take the sword indeed, but while you were down there, our engineers finished constructing a sheath for the artifact, so that it doesn''t find its way down here again. Be careful with it is what I am communicating to you," Tim said.

    "We realized we couldn''t punish the sword, despite it confessing to being at fault, so remanding it to your custody seemed like the next best thing."

    "Understood, and thank you," I said. I walked over to the table that had the sword on it. It had a dark grey metal sheath with a belt attached. I wrapped the belt around my waist and cinched it tight.

    I walked past Lucifer and out of the courtroom. I followed the path back to the lift that then took me back up to the elevator. I got in the elevator and was about to press the button to go back up when Lucifer walked in. I stepped out of the elevator.

    "What?" Lucifer said. "You''re not upset about me blaming you for Jon''s accident, are you?"

    "Yes, I am, but it''s more than that. I''ve realized I can''t trust you, and if I can''t trust you, then you''re a liability to me. Lilith and I will stop the bank heist ourselves," I said, patting the sword at my side.

    "Hey! Don''t jostle me!" Lilith said.

    "Sorry," I said.

    "I can''t leave you alone. You might find a way to kill yourself and win the bet," Lucifer said.

    "You should''ve thought about that before you dropped me into the center of the earth," I said. I was serious. And I was furious at him. But beyond that, beyond the fact I couldn''t trust him, I didn''t like him. Not anymore. He disappointed me. And it''s hard to disappoint me. You really have to try, and he did. He tried and succeeded. He was lucky I didn''t just kill him.

    "Come on, Dave. I was just kidding. What''s the occasional betrayal between friends? It couldn''t have been that bad," he said.

    "Why don''t you hop in the cage? Give it a whirl?" I said my grip on the sword hilt tightening.

    "Ow, ow, ow! Don''t squeeze so hard!" Lilith said.

    "Sorry," I said.

    "Dave! Come on! We have a world to save!" Lucifer said.

    "You''re wrong. I have a world to save. You can fuck off for all I care," I said, and walked onto the lift to take me back down to the mole town.

    "Dave. Come on. You''re not going to abandon me, are you?

    "You really should have thought about your actions. Now you have to pay the consequences," I said. I pressed a button and the lift started lowering.

    "Don''t abandon me! Not like father did!" Lucifer cried, as he fell to his knees.

    "Goodbye, Lucifer," I said, before I dropped out of sight.

    "No!" Lucifer cried, slamming his fists down on the metal grating. The platform and the lift shook from the impact.

 Chapter 11: The Bubble

    When I got to the bottom of the lift, I realized I wasn''t wearing my nightvision goggles anymore. They must have melted in the molten core. My eyes had somewhat adjusted to the low light. As I looked around, I realized it wasn''t actually pitch black like I had thought it was. There were lights. They were just really dim. Well, this is what I would have to work with. I wasn''t going back up the lift to get another pair. Not with the chance Lucifer was still there. That would be incredibly awkward.

    "No, I''m not coming back for you. I''m still done with you. I''m just grabbing another pair of goggles. Okay, bye again!" Is what I imagine I would say. Yeah, I wasn''t doing that.

    I walked back to the courthouse, where Tim was walking down the front steps. "Tim! Judge Tim! Your honor!" I said.

    "You do not have to call me judge or your honor outside of the courtroom, Dave. Did you require assistance with something?" Tim said.

    "Yes. I can''t use the elevator back up. Lucifer is there and I can''t associate with him anymore. Do you have another way back to the surface?" I said.

    "Why are you unable to associate with Lord Lucifer anymore? Are you not friends, or at least associates?" Tim asked, with a puzzled look on his adorable little mole face. Sorry, they''re adorable. I can''t help it.

    "He was partially responsible for dropping the sword. He tackled me while I was holding it, causing me to drop it. But he just blamed me so he didn''t have to be put on trial or suffer any punishment. I can''t associate with someone who would betray me like that," I said.

    "That is most understandable, Lord Dave. I wouldn''t either. But why didn''t you say that in the courtroom? Lucifer would have been put on trial then," he said, rubbing his forehead.

    "I didn''t want to risk being down there for a year. I have a limited time left to live and I can''t waste it. This is going to sound ridiculous, but I need to save the world before I die," I said, sighing. It sounded ridiculous when I said it, but it was the truth.

    "That does not sound ridiculous in the slightest. That sounds noble. Truly befitting a lord of the surface world. If you do not mind me inquiring, how much time do you have remaining?" Tim said, looking worried.

    "Until 7 pm tonight. And I estimate it''s about 11 am right now. So I have eight hours," I said.

    "Well, then we better get you moving! Normally I would suggest just traveling to another mole colony and using their elevator, but that would take hours, which is time you do not have in your possession! You''ll have to take The Bubble. Come with me," he said, beginning to walk towards the cave wall.

    I followed him, and we came to a tunnel opening in the face of the cave wall. It was essentially a cave in and of itself, but not naturally formed. It had been formed through artificial means. I had to duck slightly as we went inside. There was a strange-looking vehicle set up on a track leading to a lava flow on the far side of the room. It was hot, but it was far enough away to be bearable. I assumed the track was there, so you didn''t have to try to get into the vehicle while it was in lava. Not only would your skin probably melt off, but if you missed and fell, you''d be toast.

    The vehicle itself had treads, spider legs, turbines, and a massive drill at the front. It seemed to be called The Bubble because the shape of the body of the vehicle was like a bubble, complete with a glass dome shaped view on the upper half.

    "The way in which this vehicle functions is it finds the quickest way to the surface through the magma flows and shoots you out of a volcano," he said.

    "Which volcano will I be shooting out of?" I asked.

    "Most likely Black Mountain," he said.

    "Is that an active volcano?" I said.

    "It is not, but it is the closest to being directly above us," he said. "The drill at the end is there to bust you through the rock of the inactive volcano."

    "Ok, what about the glass dome? Won''t that just melt instantly?" I said.

    "No, it will not. It is coated in a magma resistant resin as well as being infused with small amounts of the same magma retardant metal that the cage is made out of," he said.

    "''Magma resistant'' doesn''t give me a lot of confidence. Has this been tested before?" I said.

    "No. This is actually a prototype. We built it in case of catastrophic meltdown of the atmospheric generators. It fits four mole people comfortably, or one surface dweller, uncomfortably. Its purpose is to allow any remaining mole people to inform the surface dwellers of the generator meltdown, so they can rebuild or start a new mole colony with new generators," he said. "But you''re impervious to physical damage. If the glass melts, you will be alright."

    "You do realize that most surface dwellers don''t know that the atmospheric generators and mole people, for that matter, exist, right? Also, I''ll be alive, sure, but I''ll be stranded in a magma flow with no way to get to the surface," I said.

    "I am quite certain that the glass will hold out until you reach the surface. We performed micro testing of the materials. We just did not test the vehicle itself because that would render it useless for our purposes," he said.

    "Why is that?" I asked.

    "The vehicle knows how to get to the surface. It doesn''t know how to go back down here. The mole person testing the vehicle would have no way to report back to us if it performed its duty correctly. Colony to surface radio transmissions do not work. We are too deep underground for the signals to travel to us," he said.

    "I see," I said nervously. This thing better work. I was not ready for another magma bath. That was horrifying, and I wasn''t anxious to experience it again.

    "Hold on a minute. Most surface dwellers don''t know we exist? Why is that? Don''t they wonder what makes the atmosphere?" he said.

    "They do wonder why, but they think it was volcanoes," I said. I remembered watching a documentary on it on TV.

    "Well, they are not necessarily incorrect. The atmosphere we generate travels through the magma flows to the surface, but the volcanoes themselves do not create it. Does no one know we are down here?" He said.

    "Important people do, and that''s what matters. We appreciate you and God appreciates you. Without you, the world wouldn''t exist as we know it," I said, patting him on his soft, furry head.

    "Please do not patronize me, because I am smaller in stature to yourself," Tim said.

    "I''m sorry. You''re just so soft and furry. It makes me want to pet you. You see, furless surface dwellers like myself have a strange relationship with furry surface dwellers. We keep them as pets and pet them as a sign of affection," I said.

    "That sounds incredibly demeaning," Tim said.

    A case of literary theft: this tale is not rightfully on Amazon; if you see it, report the violation.

    "It is, now that I think about it. I''m sorry. I will refrain from petting you in the future," I said, and lightly bowed.

    "I appreciate your effort to resist your base desires," Tim said, bowing in return. "Now, you should deposit your person within the vehicle before we waste any more time. There will be a large red button to turn it on and The Bubble will do the rest."

    "Ok. If we never see each other again, it was nice meeting you, despite the part where I was tortured," I said, as I pulled on the side handle. The whole dome opened up, and I climbed inside.

    "Good luck," Tim said.

    When I closed the dome, I had to kneel down to get it to shut. I pressed the big red button labeled "Start."

    The treads on The Bubble engaged and rapidly drove toward the magma stream. It dove under the magma and I don''t know what it did after that. I heard a lot of different mechanical noises going on at once, and I felt the cabin turn vertical, throwing me back slightly, but that didn''t concern me. What concerned me was the fact that I could see nothing but magma all around me.

    A small screen popped up on the dashboard and displayed a radar view of the magma flows and ducts. We sped through the flows rapidly, covering what looked like miles in seconds. I closed my eyes and tried to relax, but flashes of my time in the cage ran through my mind. What if the glass failed? What if the vehicle got stuck, and I had to swim out? I couldn''t do that again. I just couldn''t.

    Seconds felt like minutes, that felt like hours all over again. I squeezed my eyes shut and clenched my body as hard as I could to distract myself. I was about to really start freaking out, when I heard the drill engage and I looked at the radar screen. We were drilling through the inactive volcano surface! I was almost out! It was so close I could taste it, then 10 minutes later, after I lost my shit all over again, we finally popped out of the top of Black Mountain and traversed the land. A joystick came out of the dashboard and I could control the treads. I sped along the desert plain looking for a road.

    Without thinking, I reached into my pocket to pull out my phone and, surprisingly, my phone was in there. Whatever Lucifer did to regenerate my clothes also extended to my personal items, as well. My wallet was in my other pocket too. Along with the remaining $7,500.

    "Hey, Lilith! Where''s the bank robbery going to happen?" I said.

    "Mmph!" she said from within the sheath. I pulled the sword partially out of the sheath. "It''s going down in Vegas!"

    I put Las Vegas into the GPS, and it gave me a route. I was 5 minutes away from a road and only 20 minutes away from Vegas. It made sense I would be so close since we went down the elevator in Vegas.

    "Where exactly is this bank and how does robbing a bank end the world?" I asked.

    "It''s Las Vegas Cryo Bank and I don''t know," she said.

    "''Cryo Bank''? What the hell is a ''cryo bank''?" I said.

    "I don''t know! Look it up on your phone!" She said.

    I did, and I was confused. It was a sperm bank. "Lilith, what starts the apocalypse in the bible?" I asked.

    "A lot of things really," she said.

    "Why don''t you list the major ones and I''ll see if anything makes sense?" I said.

    "Why? What kind of bank is it?" She said.

    "Just list the apocalyptic events and I''ll tell you after," I said.

    "Fine. The breaking of the seven seals, the trumpet and bowl judgments, the rapture of believers, the rise of the Antichrist, the¡ª" she said.

    "Wait, that''s it! The rise of the Antichrist! They''re trying to birth the Antichrist! The bank is a sperm bank. They must need a specific person''s sperm to do it," I said.

    "Lucifer! They need Lucifer''s sperm! This isn''t in the bible, but our demon texts say the Antichrist must be the child of the Devil." Lilith said, with panic in her voice.

    "We need to get Lucifer''s sperm before they do! That''s a sentence I never thought I would say. But seriously, we need to get that sperm! Also, a sentence I never thought I''d say. Do you know when they plan to do it?" I said.

    "I don''t know! It might have already happened or it might not," she said.

    "Let''s just get there as fast as we can!" I said. I sped along the highway to Las Vegas in a tiny car meant for mole people. It was the size of one of those old electric vehicles from the early 2000s. Clearly not meant for actual humans to drive. My knees were up to my chest.

    A thought occurred to me in the silence. "Why do you think Lucifer deposited sperm at a bank?" I asked.

    "How the hell would I know? Maybe in case he died or something as a back-up plan?" she said.

    "That actually makes sense," I said.

    "I come up with good ideas every once in a while. You might try asking me for them more often," she said sarcastically.

    "Hey, we''ve just met," I said.

    "That''s true!" she said.

    We drove the rest of the way in silence until blue and red flashing lights showed up behind us and the sound of a police siren went off. I pulled over to the side of the road in the most ridiculous looking vehicle ever created. I opened the dome because I couldn''t roll down a window. I was blasted with hot air, but I barely even noticed. I had experienced heat far worse than this.

    "Stay in your vehicle, sir!" the police officer said through a speaker in his car.

    "I''m staying in my vehicle!" I said.

    "No need to get agitated," he said.

    "I''ll show you agitated," I said under my breath. I was trying to save the world here. You''d think people would have the common decency to stand back and let me do the thing that I decided was my job.

    "What was that?" he said.

    "Nothing," I said.

    "Good. I''m exiting my vehicle now and I''m going to walk over to you. Don''t make any sudden moves," he said.

    I just sighed and said nothing. The police officer approached me with a hand resting on his gun. "Umm, sir, what kind of vehicle is this?" he said, smacking his gum. He pulled it out of his mouth and threw it into the brush.

    "I would say ''that''s littering,'' but as you are a police officer and I am not, I will restrain myself," I said.

    "I appreciate your sense of self preservation. Now answer my question. What kind of vehicle is this?" he said in a slight to moderate drawl.

    "It''s a Bubble," I said, and smiled my most innocent looking smile.

    "What''s a Bubble?" he said.

    "A bubble is a spherical object made out of soap or glycerine," I said, still trying to maintain my innocent look.

    "Now is not the time for jokes, son. What is the make of the car? What company is it?" he said.

    "The people who made it are not with any company," I said.

    "You''re telling me this is an unknown, unregistered vehicle? Where are these people that made this thing? So I can question them," he said.

    "In the sub-basement of The Last Temptation Casino," I said.

    He just stared at me for a bit through mirrored sunglasses with his mouth open. I was tempted to close it for him, but I realized he might consider that assault of a police officer and I didn''t want to get arrested. Especially not now.

    "Uh huh," he said. "Can I see your license?" I handed it to him. "Wait here. I''m gonna call this in." He walked back to his car and got inside.

    "Time is wasting," I said.

    "Yes, it is," Lilith said.

    I sighed heavily. I was tempted to try to outrun him, but I didn''t trust my ability to weave between cars once we got into Vegas itself. This thing was on treads, which meant it had the maneuverability of a tank. We waited nearly an hour. This was almost worse than the molten core. At least that only lasted 10 minutes.

    Several more police cars pulled up. He probably just called his buddies to come look at my wacky vehicle. I doubt I seemed like a threat to him. An entire squad of police officers got out of the cars to come inspect what I was driving. Several of them took pictures. A few asked me dumb questions.

    "What happened? Did you leave your clown car at home?" One said.

    "So, were you planning to rob a bank with this thing?" Another said.

    "Do you need to call your wife so she can pick you up?" A third one said.

    "No, no, and no," I said, exasperated.

    The original officer came around again and said, "We''re going to have to impound your vehicle. Here''s a citation for driving an unregistered vehicle and here is your driver''s license back, Beauregard."

    "That''s not my name," I said.

    "That''s not what your license says," he said.

    "It''s Dave," I said.

    "Well, Dave, are you gonna hoof it, or do you need a ride back to the city?" he said.

    "A ride would be nice," I said. "May I get out of the vehicle now?"

    "Yes. You can get out of the vehicle," he said.

    I stepped out of the Bubble and he said, "Whoa! Is that a sword?"

    "Yeah. Aren''t blades legal in Nevada?" I said.

    "They are, but that thing looks cool. Can we see it?" he said in awe.

    "Sure," I said, removing Azrael''s sword out of the sheath. Its blade flickered with flame.

    "Whoa! How is it doing that? Is it hot?" he said.

    "Very. It can melt through concrete," I said.

    "No way! I gotta see this. Do it," he said.

    I plunged the sword into the highway, making sure to keep a firm grip on it, and pulled it back out. Now there was a flaming hole in the highway.

    "Holy crap! Do you know how it works?" he said.

    "No idea. I got it from my ex girlfriend," I said. Which was true. I did.

    "Is she single?" he asked.

    "I don''t know," I said.

    "Oh, sorry. Bad break up?" he said.

    "It wasn''t good, that''s for sure," I said.

    "I''m sorry to hear that," he said. "Do you still need that ride?"

    "Yes, please," I said. I put the sword back in the sheath.

    "You can ride in the back," he said.

    I gave him a look.

    "Don''t worry. I won''t sneakily arrest you. If I was going to arrest you, I would have done it already," he said.

    "Ok, thanks for the ride," I said.

    "No problem. We are taking your car, or whatever you called that thing," he said.

    "True," I said.

    We drove back to Las Vegas. It was early afternoon. About 12:30 pm. Six and a half hours before the time limit for the bet.

 Chapter 12: The Trap is Sprung

    "Where are you going?" The police officer said through the partition between the front and back seats.

    "Las Vegas Cryo Bank," I said.

    "Is that the sperm bank place?" he said. "You looking to make a deposit?"

    "No. A withdrawal actually," I said.

    "What? Why?" he said.

    "Artificial insemination, of course," I said.

    "Oh, right," he said.

    He dropped me off in front of the building and said, "Good luck."

    "Thanks," I said. "I''ll need it."

    He drove off.

    I walked into the sperm bank and looked around. Nothing looked out of the ordinary. There was a woman at the front desk and a bunch of patients waiting patiently in chairs in the lobby. I walked up to the front desk and said, "Hi, uh, how do I do this? I made a deposit a while ago and I want to withdraw it. The missus and I changed our minds and decided to start a family. And well, they already did the ol'' ''snip snip'', so we''ll have to do it the artificial way.

    "They cut off your penis?" She said, shocked.

    "No. I got a vasectomy," I said.

    "Oh, right," she said. "What''s the name?"

    I didn''t know if Lucifer would use a fake name or not, so I just went with his real name. The one he used at the bar. "Lucifer Morningstar."

    "Ok," the woman said as she typed on the keyboard, then suddenly she stopped. She looked at me with a meaningful look and stood up. She quickly gathered flames into her hands and blasted me in the chest with it. I flew across the room and tumbled to the floor. Luckily, Lucifer had left me invulnerable, or I''d have a hole in my chest.

    The patients waiting in the lobby all looked at the woman in shock, and then they stood up and generated fire whips in their hands. "Oh shit," I said. It was a trap. I drew Azrael''s sword.

    "It''s a trap!" Lilith said.

    "Thank you, but I can see that!" I said.

    The demons all pulled their arms back to swing their whips at me. In a split second, as soon as they swung their whips, I ducked down and lifted the sword up over my head, catching all the whips on the sword.

    Lilith knew what I was planning. "Don''t you dare!"

    "I have to! There''s too many of them!" I said.

    "Don''t you do it!" Lilith said.

    "I''m sorry," I said.

    I focused on the sword and tried to search for the mental switch or mechanism that allowed Sarah to pull Lilith into the sword. When I found it, I focused on it, drawing the whips and the demons into the sword. After a few moments, all the demons except the fake receptionist had been drawn into the sword. To follow up, I ran up to the front desk and slashed horizontally at her. She feebly put her arms up, but it did nothing to protect her. The sword cut her in half and she fell to the floor.

    "Get off me!" Lilith said from within the sword. The sword began to flash orange.

    "I said get off! Move!" she said.

    "If you''re not gonna stop crowding me, I''ll make you stop! Ahhh!!!!" The sword flashed orange several times, and it grew hot in my hands. Gouts of flame shot out of the sword and then everything was silent.

    "There. That''s better. All alone, once again," Lilith said. "Don''t you ever do that again!"

    "Yes, ma''am," I said, a little intimidated.

    The lights turned off, and the lobby went dark. A voice came on over a loudspeaker. It sounded gravelly and menacing. "I see you''ve fallen into my trap, Dave. My name is Harvey. I plan to eliminate you here once and for all. You''ve evaded my minions long enough. It ends now! As you can see, I''ve gathered more than enough men to take care of you." There was a short silence and then, "Wait, where did my men go?"

    I heard a series of buttons getting pressed on a console and his voice went through a series of changes, seemingly accidental. It got more gravelly and impossible to understand, then high pitched and shrill. "Ah, screw it! I''ll just go no filter." The voice changed to something nasally and high pitched. "What did you do with my men?"

    "I killed them," I said.

    "Actually, I killed them," Lilith said proudly.

    "Yeah, she killed them," I said.

    "You did what?!?!" he said. "No matter. I''ll send in the big gun."

    Sarah ran through the patient door into the lobby. "Dave!" she said angrily.

    "Oh, not this again," I said.

    "You''ll notice I gave her a few upgrades since last time. I found your weakness, Dave. Your ex-girlfriend who secretly still loves you, but I brainwashed her to turn that love into hate. Now die!" Harvey said.

    Sarah began to run toward me, but I put my hand out and said, "Stop! Wait! Who are you again? What is happening? How do you know who I am?"

    "Didn''t I just explain that?" he said.

    "Explain it better. Explain it like I''m five," I said.

    "Fine! I am Harvey. I''m an imp. The lowest of the low among demons. Well, technically, hell spawn are lower, but they grow up bigger and stronger than us, so it doesn''t count! All my life, I''ve been ordered around by so called ''greater demons''."

    I could hear him using air quotes. "Well, no more! I have read every demon text known to demons and I''ve learned all the magics there are to know! I can make magic medallions! I even looked into the future to see if my plan worked, but no. Some random guy named Dave who recently entered into a bet with the Devil defeated me! So I researched you and found out the person closest to you."

    Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.

    "My mother?" I said, a little worried.

    "No! Haven''t you been paying attention? I mean, Sarah!" he said.

    "Oh, right," I said, smacking my forehead.

    "The person closest to you, Sarah, is your weakness because you can''t kill her! She secretly still cares about you! Only a monster would kill her, and you''re not a monster, are you Dave?" he said.

    "No, I''m not," I said, sounding disappointed.

    "Yes! See? I got you! Because she is your weakness, she will win the fight and you will die, allowing me, Harvey, to win! I purposely leaked the information about the heist to Lilith, so she would lead you here into my trap! This way, you can''t stop me from birthing the Antichrist and bringing about the end of the world! Ha ha ha! I, Harvey, am a genius!" he said.

    "I''m guessing you already found Lucifer''s sperm then?" I said.

    "No! Weren''t you listening? This is a trap, a diversion, a distraction, a bamboozle, etc. Lucifer didn''t put his sperm under his own name, obviously! He must have put it under some fake name, the clever Devil."

    "Wait, then how are you going to birth the Antichrist?" I said.

    "Easy! We kidnapped the Devil and are making him do it for us! I found his weakness too! Satyrs. Goat women. They''re like catnip to him. He can''t resist!"

    "Who''s ''we''?" I asked.

    "The other imps, of course! Haven''t you been listening! Me and my imp brethren are tired of being trampled on! Soon, we will be doing the trampling! Ha ha ha!"

    "Wait, I''m still confused. Why did you bring Sarah from the future? Couldn''t you just use present Sarah?" I said.

    "This is present, Sarah, you idiot! The future thing was a mislead, a trick, a lie, etc."

    "Oh. I hate lying," I said, angrily.

    "Well, none of that matters anymore because soon you will die! Go Sarah! Kill your evil ex-boyfriend!" Harvey said.

    "Wait! What are you going to do?" I said.

    "I''m going to lunch. I''m hungry. Goodbye forever, Dave," he said. He must have left the microphone on because I hear him get out of his chair and awkwardly open the door to leave. "Why are doors so damn heavy in the human world?" He said to himself.

    "That was weird," I said, looking at Sarah.

    "You''re telling me," Lilith said.

    Sarah stood frozen awkwardly until she finally animated and pointed a finger at me. "I hate you, Dave! I''m going to kill you now!"

    "Damn it!" I said, lifting the sword. "I''m not the enemy, Sarah! Snap out of it!"

    "I don''t know how!" she said suddenly, with a panicked look on her face. Then the angry expression came back. "Grr!"

    "Oh no," I said.

    "Oh no," Lilith said.

    "Oh, yeah!" Sarah said, pointing her fist at me. A blast of ice shot out of her hand that I blocked with the sword. It froze the sword and a ton of ice accumulated on it until I couldn''t lift it anymore and dropped it.

    "Shit!" I said, diving behind a bench.

    The bench got blasted with ice. Sarah kept blasting while walking around to flank me. I tried to run out of there to find more cover, and I succeeded, but she got my feet. She froze them both. Now it was like I was walking to two blocks of ice, because I was.

    Once I was out of view, I crouched down and scrambled across the floor to flank her right back. She kept blasting ice around the lobby, not knowing where I was, until I got behind her and put my arm around her throat. She blasted my arm with ice, which froze my arm around her neck.

    I grabbed for the chain around her neck to pull it off her head, but it was partially frozen to my arm. I had to push her neck forward to get the chain with the medallions off her head.

    "Ow, ow, ow!" she said.

    "I''m sorry!" I said.

    "Me too!" she said.

    "Really?" I said, pausing for a moment.

    "No!" She blasted the side of my face with ice.

    Now half of my head was frozen. I was very lucky to be invincible right now. Otherwise I''d be incredibly dead. It was still cold as hell and it hurt.

    I pulled and pulled at the necklace as cracks began to form in the ice, holding it in place. She froze my whole right leg next. With one final yank, I pulled the chain necklace free and dropped it to the floor.

    "Dave?" Sarah said, shakily.

    "Yes, Sarah?" I said.

    "Why are you choking me?" she said.

    "I''m actually frozen like this. I can''t move. I will explain later. Right now, we need to get to that sword on the ground in front of us. Will you move with me?" I said.

    "Rahhhh!!!!" Lilith yelled as the sword''s flames blazed and the ice around the sword melted.

    "Ok, Dave, but you owe me a better explanation than your crotch against my butt," she said.

    "I''m sorry!" I said. "We were fighting, and that''s just where my crotch ended up!"

    "We were fighting? Why?" she said.

    "As I said, I''ll explain later. Let''s get to the sword!" I said.

    "Ok!" she said and began to work with me to walk toward the sword.

    After concerted effort, we made it to the sword.

    "Lilith, flame up and melt my leg," I said. "I can''t crouch down like this to grab you."

    "Ok. Here goes," she said. "Ahhh!!!" Flames burst out of the sword and unfroze my right leg and both my feet while catching my left leg on fire.

    I crouched down and patted the fire out. Then I grabbed the sword and stood back up. I pressed it against my frozen arm and said, "Ok, two more times!"

    "Ok! Ahhhh!!!!!" Flames melted my arm and I could finally remove it from around Sarah''s neck.

    Sarah turned around and gasped. "What happened to your face?"

    "You froze it," I said.

    "How are you still conscious?" she said with her hands over her mouth in horror.

    "Uh, very carefully?" I said, making a joke. I pressed the sword against the frozen side of my head. "One more time, Lilith. Do you have to scream every time? It''s a little disturbing."

    "Yes, I do. Ahhh!!!!" she said, melting the side of my head and face.

    I flexed and cracked my neck. "That''s much better," I said, with a feeling of relief.

    "Now, explain Dave! What the hell is going on?" Sarah said.

    "Someone named Harvey is trying to kick start the apocalypse, and they brainwashed you into fighting me, because they saw you as my weakness," I said.

    "Really?" she said.

    "Don''t you remember?" I said.

    "A little bit. It''s very fuzzy. Kind of like it was all a dream, but I''m guessing it wasn''t?" she said.

    "No, it wasn''t," I said.

    "So, I really killed a giant tentacle monster, stabbed you, some other guy, and absorbed a woman into a sword?" she said.

    "¡­Yes," I said. "When you say it like that, it sounds ridiculous."

    "So what are you doing in all this?" she asked.

    "I''m trying to save the world from the Antichrist being born," I said.

    "Ok. How do we do that?" she said.

    "We can''t now. Harvey said he already has Lucifer, so I have to wait until he either calls or the Antichrist shows up," I said.

    "Hmm. Have you tried calling him?" she said.

    "No, I haven''t tried calling him. Do you really think these people would go to the trouble of kidnapping him and not take his phone away?" I said.

    "Hey, don''t bite my head off, mister. I have more of a right to be angry than you, and you don''t see me blowing my top," she said, with a stern look.

    "You''re right," I said. "What the hell. I''ll call him. It couldn''t hurt, right?"

    I reverse dialed the number Lucifer called from last night. It rang a few times. I was about to hang up the phone when the call connected.

    "This is Lucifer. How may I help you?" he said.

    "Lucifer, where are you?" I asked.

    "I got you! This is my voicemail box! Leave a message after the bell tolls. Ding!" he said. He sounded out of breath.

    Why did he sound out of breath in a voicemail? That made no sense. No one would record a voicemail out of breath. Hold on.

    "This isn''t a voicemail, you jackass! Be serious for once!" I said.

    "No! I refuse! Besides, you abandoned me, remember?" he said.

    "I''m sorry, ok? I heard they kidnapped you. Are you ok?" I said.

    "I''m fine. More than fine, really," he said, still sounding out of breath.

    Something was suspicious. And then a thought ran through my head. He couldn''t be in the middle of doing the thing Harvey was trying to trick him into doing, could he? Could he?

    "Hold on. What are you doing right now?" I said.

    "I''m kind of busy right now. Can we do this later?" he said.

    "You''re not ''getting busy'' right now, are you? With goat women?" I asked.

    "How did you know?" he said.

    "It''s a trap! Pull out! Abort!" I said.

    "It''s a little too late for that," he said. "About 69 times too late."

    "Wait, really?" I said incredulously. There''s no way he''s done it 69 times already.

    "No. I just wanted to say ''69''. But it is too late for that. Why? What''s the trap? I don''t get it," he said.

    "They''re trying to get you to birth the Antichrist to start the apocalypse," I said.

    "Oh, shit. I''m screwed. Figuratively and literally. Alright, I''m gonna bust out of here. I''ll call you to come pick me up when I figure out where I am," he said and hung up. I put my phone back in my pocket.

    "What happened?" Sarah asked.

    "We''re screwed. The Antichrist is coming," I said. Great. Just great.

 Chapter 13: Steve

    "Dave, I have to apologize. Not just for trying to kill you, but I am sorry for that. For the way I ended things with you. Leaving without an explanation why or even discussing if we were still together or not was wrong, and for that, I am truly sorry," Sarah said, with tears in her eyes. She put her hand on mine as we sat on the ground in a puddle of water.

    "Thank you for the apology, but it''s ok. I understand that what I said wasn''t what you needed at the moment. You needed someone to hug you and tell you to take as long as you needed to heal and move forward. But my stupid pragmatic side didn''t see that and only saw the bills coming up. I loved you more than anything. I''m sorry it ended the way it did too," I said, putting my hand on her hand that was on my hand.

    "You know, Harvey''s medallion had me thinking you were this controlling monster who only saw what I could do for you and not who I am," she said, putting her other hand on my hand that was on her hand that was on my hand.

    "No offense, Sarah, but that''s insane. That wasn''t your fault, though. You weren''t yourself and you are now. I''m just happy I could save you without one of us getting killed," I said.

    "Are you still drinking?" she asked.

    "As of yesterday, I was, but a lot has changed for me in the last 24 hours. I don''t think I''ll touch a drink for a long time, if at all," I said.

    There was a long silence, then Lilith said, "Girl, if you think Dave is controlling, you should''ve seen Adam. He''d put Dave to shame."

    "I''ve been meaning to ask, why is the sword talking?" Sarah said.

    "You absorbed Lilith into the sword, remember?" I said.

    "Oh yeah. Right," she said, looking at the sword. "You say Adam''s name like I''m supposed to know who that is."

    "You do. You know, Adam and Eve? I''m his first wife, Lilith. He couldn''t control me, so he banished me from Paradise to live in the wastes," she said.

    "Oh, I''m sorry. That must have been hard," Sarah said.

    "It''s fine. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. I''ve never felt more free in my life!" Lilith said.

    "That''s ironic, considering you''re trapped in a sword," I said.

    "I can feel free and be trapped at the same time. I''m allowed!" Lilith said.

    "Ok. I''ll let you do that. For now, though, I need you to melt the mind control device," I said. "And don''t scream."

    "Ok, fine. Mmmmm," she said.

    "That''s weirder, but carry on," I said.

    "Mmmmmmm!" she hummed.

    I took Azrael''s sword and pressed the tip against the heart medallion laying on the ground. It fizzled and sparked purple at first, but eventually melted under the intense heat. I picked up the chain with one less medallion on it and said, "Would you like this back?"

    "No. Keep them. They would remind me of being controlled, and I don''t want to feel that ever again. Besides, you''re the one who''s going to save the world, so you should have them," she said.

    "Ok, sounds good to me," I said, looking at the remaining medallions. One was a sword, another was a goat''s head, a third one was an hourglass, and the last one was an icicle. "Sword skills, charm resistance, and long range ice powers? Hell yeah. Now the hourglass, I suppose is just teleportation since Harvey said you''re not from the future?"

    "I don''t know. He said it allowed me to travel back and forth between the past and future, but I don''t know what it actually does," she said.

    "Maybe best not to mess with it," I said.

    I put the necklace around my neck and tucked it inside my shirt. I received a call on my phone and picked it up right away. "Yeah?"

    "The inside of that building was blocking my GPS. I''ll send you my coordinates through text," Lucifer said. "Get here quick. Something''s going down."

    "Will do," I said, hanging up. I immediately received his coordinates. "Alright, we need to go."

    "Ok," Sarah said.

    "Ok," Lilith said.

    Looking at my phone, I said, "It''s only three blocks away."

    I began walking, and Sarah followed. I had already put Azrael''s sword back in the sheath. After a 10 to 15-minute walk, we arrived at our destination. It was a random office building a few blocks off the strip. Lucifer was standing outside.

    "Ok, good. You''re here. Let''s go inside. You need to see this," he said.

    When we walked inside, it was a normal office lobby, aside from the dozens of flying imps that were watching over 7 pregnant satyrs. They all looked 11-months pregnant. The gestation period for antichrists must be really fast. They all seemed to be in labor simultaneously.

    "Seriously? 7 satyrs? Was that really necessary? Are we really going to have 7 antichrists on our hands?" I said.

    "Sorry. Satyrs are my weakness. It''s the horns. They make me¡ª" Lucifer said, shrugging.

    "Don''t say it," I said, interrupting him.

    "Fine. It does look like we''re going to have 7 antichrists very soon," he said.

    Lights started to shine above the 7 satyrs. They got brighter and brighter until they were blinding. When they dimmed, the satyrs were no longer pregnant, and the antichrists had been immaculately conceived. The way they looked was both hilarious and horrifying. They all looked identical. They were fully grown men resembling Lucifer with pale skin and black hair, except with small goat''s horns, wearing perfectly tailored white suits with black shirts and white ties. Their eyes glowed white.

    They all looked at each other for a minute, thinking, calculating. Then they spoke in unison, "Mutually assured destruction will result in failure. We must join forces. Very well. Ok. Stop. No, you stop. No, you stop!"

    I interrupted. "Would you all just stop talking and do what you''re going to do?" I yelled.

    "Very well," they all said. They all walked together into a circle and held hands. Lights shot out of their chests and eyes and mouths and gathered into a mass of light in the middle. Then they began to fade away into nothing. When they were gone, the light in the middle dimmed and one antichrist remained. "There. Happy?" I could still hear seven voices, just speaking over each other at the same time. It was uncanny.

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    "What is your name?" I said.

    "Hmm. Sssteeeeve. Steve," he said.

    "Ok, Steve. What do you want?" I said, a little wary of the being called the antichrist. I mean, he''s supposed to be evil, so why wouldn''t I be worried he''d turn out to be evil? I''d be stupid not to.

    "I suppose I want to fulfill my purpose," he said with a blank face.

    "Whoa, whoa! I am your creator and you will do as I say!" Harvey, I assumed by the voice, flapped his wings and flew over to where we were standing. He was a purple imp demon. He was about 3 feet tall and looked a little like a pterodactyl, if a pterodactyl had separate arms and wings and was 3 feet tall. "That said, yes, go fulfill your purpose. That''s all I want you to do."

    "You will not tell me what to do, even if it''s just to tell me to do what I was already going to do," Steve said. He grabbed Harvey and slammed him into the ground so hard that the carpet cracked, which shouldn''t be physically possible. Then he stepped on him. Steve looked around the room. "Does anyone else want to tell me what to do?"

    "No," I said. "I don''t want to tell you what to do. You can do whatever you want. But I do want to say that if it''s something bad, I will have to stop you."

    "You will stop nothing," he said. "I will do what I please. I will please myself whenever, wherever, and however I want."

    "Ok, I know you were just born, but you should be more careful with your words," I said, laughing.

    "What? That I want to pleasure myself? What is wrong with that? Isn''t pleasure what everyone wants?" Steve said.

    "That is true. Nevermind. Forget I said anything. Say that to whoever you want to," I said, struggling not to laugh.

    "Maybe I will!" he said, levitating and bright white light emanating from his body.

    "Hey, before you leave, I was hoping you could help me fill out a survey." I walked over to a desk and took a notepad and a pen off it. I held them like I was going to take notes. "So. On a scale from 1 to 10, how likely are you harm other people?"

    "If it pleases me, yes," Steve said.

    "You have to give a number from 1 to 10," I said.

    "I have to do no such thing!" He roared.

    "Sorry, I meant, if you want to properly answer the question, a number from 1 to 10 is required," I said.

    "Oh. Uh, 10 I suppose," he said.

    I scribbled on the notepad. "Ok. Next question. On a scale from 1 to 10, how likely are you to start the apocalypse?" I said.

    "Hmm. 10 again, I guess," he said.

    "Final question. If you were a washcloth, what¡ª" I said.

    "No more questions! You are wasting my time here while I could be out there pleasuring myself," he said.

    "True. It''s ok, I got the answers I was looking for," I said, drawing Azrael''s sword. "Lilith, are you ready?"

    "Almost. I''m just about done with my vocal warm-ups. La la la la la! Ok, I''m ready!" she said.

    I dashed up to Steve and plunged Azrael''s sword into his chest.

    "I do not like that. That is not pleasurable at all!" Steve roared. He backhanded me across the face, sending me and the sword flying, still firmly in my grasp. I watched the wound in his chest heal in seconds without a drop of blood spilt.

    "That''s not good," I said. "Lilith, I need you to flame on when I''m fighting him."

    "Ok! But I''ll have to hum," she said.

    "That''s fine. Whatever it takes to save the world. Also, I''m kind of getting used to your voice. Your hum is rather soothing in a stabbing myself in the ears sort of way," I said.

    "Thank you. I love to know that I cause you pain, Dave," she said.

    I got up and back onto my feet. I rushed at Steve while Lilith hummed. "Mmmmmm!!!!"

    Steve summoned a sword of light, similar to Raphael''s, that he blocked my over hand strike with. I pressed hard against it with both hands, cracking the sword. Suddenly, the sword of light broke, and Azrael''s sword sliced all the way through Steve''s body vertically. A left and right half of his body fell to the ground, but a living Steve remained.

    "How dare you kill me!" he yelled. I couldn''t be sure, but it sounded like 6 voices instead of 7 this time. He covered his fist in hard light and punched me in the chest. He sent me flying back, but more importantly, he stopped my heart.

    Everything was a blur after that. There were a lot of noises and yelling. I even think I heard Lucifer crying, but whether it was because I was going to die, or because he was going to lose the bet, I couldn''t tell.

    I woke up in my apartment on the couch. A pillow was behind my head and a snuggly warm blanket was over my body. I sat up and put the pillow and blanket off the side of the couch. My favorite TV show was playing on my least favorite streaming platform.

    "About time you woke up," Lucifer said, biting into an apple. "This apple is really good! Is probably what Eve was thinking when she betrayed my father and doomed humanity to be banished from Paradise for all eternity."

    "Hey, you," Sarah said, as she sat next to me and hugged me. "How are you feeling?"

    "I would hug you too, but I''m currently a sword," Lilith said. "I sure hope somebody gets around to fixing that. Eventually." She laughed nervously.

    "I feel fine," I said. "What happened after I died? Temporarily."

    "A lot of things, really," Lucifer said, taking another bite of his apple. "You should eat these more often. I hear they''re good for your heart."

    "What''s wrong with you?" I said.

    "Me? I''m fine. Why do you ask?" he said.

    "You''re acting like a jerk," I said.

    "Well, I''m sorry," he said sarcastically. "Maybe I have feelings too. Maybe I didn''t like seeing you die. Maybe watching my son kill you was not the most fun thing I could be doing on a Tuesday. Maybe carrying your lifeless body away from the scene and performing cpr on you for hours affected me in some way. I don''t know because I''m not supposed to have feelings! I''m the Devil, remember? I''m the bad guy!"

    "Hey. You''re allowed to have feelings, Lucifer. You just can''t let those feelings make you lash out at the people around you," I said weakly. I coughed a few times.

    "I don''t know how to do that!" he said.

    "Well, learn, asshole! Maybe grow for once in your life, and think about the pain and misery others might be feeling besides just your own!" I yelled at him. I couldn''t deal with his constant self pity right now on my literal deathbed. He mentioned hours had passed. That meant I didn''t have much time left.

    "Would you boys please stop fighting?" Sarah yelled.

    "Yeah, what she said!" Lilith commented.

    "Fine," I said.

    "Fine!" Lucifer said, crossing his arms and looking away.

    "I''ll tell you what happened, but as Lucifer said, it''s a lot," Sarah said. "Steve left you alone once we confirmed you were dead. He went off and started terrorizing people in Las Vegas. Lucifer then teleported us to the devil''s trap, and we dismantled the giant fan and devil''s trap with Azrael''s sword. Well, I did the dismantling. Lucifer did cpr."

    "I finally finished dismantling the trap around the time your heart started beating and you were breathing again. Then, Lucifer teleported us to your apartment, and you woke up."

    "Oh. I''m sorry I put you all through that. Truly, I am. But, Lucifer, shouldn''t you be happy the bet is almost over? You''re going to win. Isn''t that what you wanted?" I said.

    "It should be, but it isn''t. We failed man. We failed to stop Steve, and now the world''s going to end. All the amazing things that humans have created will be gone forever. Soap, toilet paper, margaritas. All gone. And I''m going to kill the world''s only chance of survival. You could do it, man. You could stop Steve. You just need another chance. But I''m going to take that all away," he said.

    "It''s not the end of the world," I said, and rethought what I just said. "Ok, it is the end of the world, but it''s not the end of the world yet. It still has you. You''re far stronger than me. You could defeat him."

    "I don''t think you understand, Dave," Lucifer said. "You''re special. You think other people have what it takes to stand up to the antichrist? I sure as hell don''t. I don''t have the heart, or the guts, or the balls. I mean, don''t get me wrong, I have balls. Like big manly balls¡ª"

    "Ok, we get it. You have big balls," I said, laughing slightly.

    "Right," he said. "But mine aren''t made of steel like yours."

    "I appreciate your confidence, but I''m nothing special. I just did what I had to do," I said.

    "And that''s exactly what makes you special," he said, laughing and smiling.

    My alarm on my phone went off.

    "Alright, it''s 7 o''clock. Are you ready to meet your maker?" Lucifer said, getting his fingers into snapping position.

    "Wait! He needs to take his medication!" Sarah said. She picked the bottle up off the coffee table, pulled a pill out, and handed it to me. Then she handed me a bottle of water. I noticed her hands were shaking.

    "Does he really need to do that?" Lucifer said. "He''s about to die."

    "Can you just let him have a bit of normalcy before it all ends?" Sarah said nervously.

    Something was wrong with the way Sarah was acting, but I didn''t have time to figure out why. I took my medication and said, "Ok, Lucy. Snap me out of existence."

    "I will when I''m ready. Don''t rush me! I still have 50 seconds," he said, a bead of sweat running down his face. "I''m gonna do it right now!" he said, but he didn''t snap. "That was just a warmup. Ok, now!" he said, but he still didn''t snap. "Snap damn you! Why won''t you snap?" he said, looking at his fingers.

    I started to feel weird. Like I was suffocating, but not just my lungs were out of breath. My whole body felt out of breath. Like, every cell in my body was suffocating at the same time. "I don''t feel so good," I said. Then everything went dark.

 Chapter 14: The Results

    Suddenly, I was standing outside the Fortress of Bureaucracy with a piece of paper in my hand. The building looked massive, even compared to what it looked like the first time. Were they adding floors? The same red light permeated everything.

    The paper was a "Form D-13: Mandatory Post-Mortem Processing Initiation Notice (Recently Deceased)" printed on red paper. It blended with the red light and would seem to disappear when my eyes lost focus. Then it was just floating text vaguely near my hand.

    My eyes refocused, and I read the document. It basically said to report to the front desk of the Fortress of Bureaucracy for processing. I hoped they weren''t sending me where I thought they were going to. I could do painful torture, but filling out forms for eternity was a pain I couldn''t endure forever. Eventually, I''d break.

    I walked in through the front doors and was about to be handed the standard forms by the guy standing near the door, but I showed him my Form D-13 and he waved me toward the front desk.

    When I saw Margaret sitting behind the front desk filing her nails, it all came back to me. Our date! I totally stood her up! Damn it! I had no intention of doing that, and I suddenly, deeply regretted it. I didn''t like to hurt people''s feelings, except Lucifer''s. And being stood up had a lot of negative memories for me, so I assumed the same was true for her, regardless of the fact she was a demon. Demon or not, rejection hurts.

    I rushed up to the desk and immediately started apologizing. "Margaret. I am so sorry I stood you up. I really didn''t mean to do it. I swear!"

    She looked up at me and said, "Who are you?"

    "You don''t remember? We set a date for this afternoon," I said. "You filled out a request for romantic engagement and everything."

    "Sorry. Doesn''t ring a bell," she said, looking at her nails. "Wait. I do remember something. There was this one boy, who was really cute, who gave me his number and made plans to go to the IRS Cafe with me, but then he never showed. I sat there for 3 hours, waiting for a text or a call. Even an email would''ve been acceptable. But no."

    "And now he shows up thinking he can still date me, let alone talk to me, like nothing''s changed. You''re dead Dave! I can''t date you anymore! Don''t you get that?" She said, with tears streaming down her face.

    "I can only date living men. Dead men are either in Heaven, or Purgatory, which I don''t have access to, or they''re here in Hell. And if in you''re in Hell and have been sent here," she gestured to the form in my hand, "that means you''re a damned soul, and I can''t date damned souls. I can only process and file them." She kept looking at the paperwork and then back at me. "This is weird. There''s no destination circle listed. Damned souls are always assigned a circle of hell to spend eternity in."

    "Margaret! I''m not damned! I swear! There must be some sort of mix-up. I was fighting the antichrist to save the world. I died fighting the antichrist, or antichrists, and that''s why I couldn''t show up. I was in some sort of non-conscious limbo," I said.

    Margaret stopped filing her nails and looked at me. Her blas¨¦ attitude cracked slightly. "That would be Purgatory. Or the first layer of purgatory." She leaned in and spoke quieter. "How can somebody get switched out of Purgatory into Hell?"

    "I don''t know. You tell me. You probably know this stuff better than I do. Although, I didn''t get switched out of Purgatory directly into Hell. I was revived, then died again, and somehow ended up in Hell," I said.

    "Did you do something bad before you died again?" she asked.

    "No. I just talked to my ex-girlfriend and Lucifer, took my medication, and died," I said.

    "Wait, why was Lucifer there?" she said, raising her voice slightly.

    "Why wouldn''t he be? You saw me with him when we visited the Fortress of Bureaucracy last time," I said.

    "No, I saw you walk in with some guy who was dressed like wait staff in a fancy restaurant, and a guy in a suit who walked around like he owned the place. I figured they were important, so I let you guys through," she said.

    "Didn''t you read our paperwork? It should have been in there. Mine required that I put my name on a billion things. His should''ve had his name on it too," I said.

    "You think I read the stuff I file? You clearly don''t understand Hell or bureaucracy very much," she said.

    "Oh. Well, the guy in the suit was Lucifer," I said.

    "Why were you traveling with the big guy?" she asked.

    "I made a bet with him that he couldn''t kill me at 7 pm. He was waiting for 7 pm to roll around so he could kill me. We just happened to try to prevent an apocalypse during that time," I said.

    "I want to acknowledge that the apocalypse thing is really cool, but not something I''m going to go into here with you. If we do go on a date, we can talk about it then," she said. She rubbed her forehead. "Ok, so did he end up winning the bet?"

    "I don''t know. I assume so, but I started feeling sick before he snapped his fingers, so maybe not," I said.

    "Huh. Well, assuming you lost, that would make you a bargained soul, not a damned one. Technically, we could still date, but bargained souls have to do whatever the person they made a deal with says. Usually Lucifer keeps them in his castle. They don''t wander around much, so you might not get to either," she said.

    "Ok, that''s cool, but why am I in the Fortress of Bureaucracy?" I asked.

    "He sends bargained souls to the Department of Perpetual Processing at first, if he''s busy. Then he comes by and gets them when he''s done with whatever he was doing. The name is a bit of a misnomer. It''s more like a waiting room. The only difference is some people have to wait forever," she said.

    "I see. What happens if I won?" I said.

    "What? If you won? No one beats the Devil," she said.

    "His father did," I said.

    "Yeah, but that''s different. No one mortal has beaten the Devil," she said.

    "There''s a first time for everything. Let''s say I did win. Where would I be sent after I die?" I said, feeling a little more confident.

    "I suppose you''d be sent to the Department of Perpetual Processing if he was busy, and then he''d get you afterwards. You wouldn''t be sent to Heaven or Purgatory, because he can''t visit those places. You''d have to be sent somewhere he can access, so he can fulfill his end of the deal," she said, the realization dawning on her.

    "You might have actually done it! You might have actually beaten the devil! This changes everything!"

    "Does that mean we can still date?" I asked, curious. I still really wanted to date her. She seemed nice enough, and she was the only demon I had a connection with, and she was a demon. That was cool! How many people can say they''ve dated a demon? Not many, I''d guess.

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    "If you did win, yes it would," she said, smiling for the first time in this conversation.

    "Ok, I''ll go to the processing department to wait, and I''ll let you know," I said.

    "Please do!" she said.

    I walked to the Department of Perpetual Processing and handed the desk guy my paper. It was the same guy who got mad at me last time. He looked up at me and raised his eyebrows.

    "You''re getting processed? Oh, what a wonderful day it is today! I will personally hand you every piece of paperwork you will fill out during your time here, however long that may be," he said, overjoyed to see me.

    Of course, he was happy to see me here. I''m sure I left a lasting impression, being the only person to outsmart his bureaucratic system. He set me up at a desk not too far from the front desk. I assume it was so he could deliver my paperwork while also still watching for new visitors.

    He handed me my first stack of paperwork. It was a thick stack of papers to sign. I had to sign every page. I had no idea what I was signing, though. They were all written in a language I had never seen before. Maybe it was a demonic language? I didn''t know. Regardless, I began signing the papers. I could just not sign the papers and the effect of having to wait would be the same, but at least it was something to do.

    As I signed paper after paper, my mind kept thinking about the bet. If Lucifer had won, why did he take so long to do it? Why did he get impotent finger syndrome at the last second? Was I growing on him? Did he actually care about me as a person and not just as a tool to achieve his goals? Nah. That wasn''t possible for someone like him.

    But what if I had won? I don''t know. All I could think about was saving the world, since if I didn''t do that, it didn''t matter if I was alive or dead. And then there was the issue of still being dead. What good would a wish do me if I were dead?

    I was nearly done with my first stack of papers when Lucifer walked up to my partitioned desk with the front desk guy. Paul, I think his name was.

    Paul gestured towards me and said, "He''s all yours."

    "Hey, kiddo! How are you doing?" Lucifer was smiling. I had no idea if that was good or bad right now. He offered me a hand up and I took it.

    "How did you get me out? Did you have to get all the forms signed and dotted?" I asked.

    "No, I didn''t bother with that. I just told him who I was. And proved it. He jumped out from behind the desk so fast it was like he was bitten in the ass by a shark," he said, laughing.

    "You could do that this whole time and you let me fumble around, get punched in the face, and berated by Paul?" I said. "Why?"

    "Let''s just say I wanted to help you build up your confidence. After all, you were going to stop an apocalypse. You needed it," he said still smiling.

    I grabbed him by the collar and pulled his face so close our noses were touching. "Bastard, if you don''t tell me who won the bet right now, I will¡­I will¡­" I trailed off.

    "You''ll what? You ain''t got no power here, sonny. That said, I''ll tell you if you give me a drum roll," Lucifer said.

    I sighed and rolled my eyes. "Fine. Badadadadadada," I said, patting the desk with my fingers.

    "You did! You won, Dave! Never have I been happier to lose in my life. Well, never ever have I lost in my life. Except my father, but that doesn''t count. Fathers are supposed to win competitions with their sons. Well, I guess I''m not his son. I''m his creation, but I still call him Father, anyway. Makes me feel less alone," he said.

    "You better not be pulling my leg," I said.

    "I''m not, but I will pull your third leg any time I want. Thank you very much," he said, winking.

    "I wish you wouldn''t," I said, grinning.

    "Well, have you decided what you''re going to wish for?" he said.

    "Not yet, but it certainly won''t be conventional. I was considering wishing to stop the apocalypse, but if you could do that, you would have done it already. It probably has to be something smaller and more simple. Like millions of dollars or the entire world''s supply of toilet paper," I said.

    "Now that would be the beginning of an apocalypse. Imagine everyone not being able to wipe their butts all over the world, just stuck on the toilet? You could end entire civilizations that way!" he said, grinning at the prospect.

    "If only I was evil. Life, or death, would be so much easier. Well maybe not easier. Simpler though. I do evil shit all my life, die, get tortured for eternity. Nothing complicated about that," I said.

    "You''re stalling," he said.

    "I know, but I want to talk to the administrative assistant before I make my wish," I said.

    When we passed by Margaret''s desk, she looked up and her eyes lit up. "Did you win?"

    I smiled like I was the coolest guy on the planet. Which I would be if I were on the planet right now. "Yep," I said.

    "Weeee!!!" She hugged me. Then she stepped back and said, "Now, you better figure out a way to visit me, or I''ll kick your ass!"

    "Will do," I said. "But right now we gotta go figure out this wish thing." Lucifer and I walked out.

    "Bye!" she said.

    "I can''t wish to be alive again, can I?" I said.

    "Nope. No can do. Only my father and Jesus can do that," he said.

    "Well, it can''t be anything worldly, since I''m dead. That would be useless. What if I wished for something for someone else?" I said.

    "You can do that. It would be a waste of a wish, but you can do that," he said.

    "There is one thing that''s been bugging me for the last 24 hours. That chip on your shoulder. And your hatred of other people. I want that to go away," I said.

    "You can''t wish away people''s emotions. Especially not mine. Like how am I supposed to do divine magic on my own mind? I would need my mind to do the magic on my mind. It hurts my head just thinking about it," he said, rubbing his temples.

    "Ok, what if I gave you a time out?" I said.

    "I''d hate that," he said. "And it would accomplish nothing except to make me angry at you."

    "Fair. What you really need is therapy, but like a lot of it. What if I wished for you to get therapy until you forgave your father?" I said, holding my chin.

    "We''d be at it forever. The rapture would have come and gone a million times over before that happened. I''m not saying it''s impossible, but I am saying with our current resources, it''s not possible," he said.

    "Ok, what if we did some divine magic about it and said that you have to get therapy outside of time in another dimension until you forgave your father? Time would be paused on this side, but not in whatever dimension you''re in. It would be a way to prevent the apocalypse. If you never forgave your father, time would never continue, and we''d be stuck in this moment forever," I said.

    "Hmm. That might actually work! Using my hatred of my father against the apocalypse! That''s genius Dave!" He hugged me.

    "Well, Lucifer, the point is for you to forgive your father eventually for the wrongs you think he has committed. Not to pause time for eternity," I said, wiping my hand down my face.

    "Yeah, that''s never going to happen. It''s possible, but it won''t. Not in any human understanding of time at least," he said, stretching his legs.

    "That''s the beauty of it, though. You''d have infinite time. A literal eternity. Meaning you can take all the time you need," I said.

    "You may be on to something, but there''s one problem," he said.

    "What''s that?" I said.

    "I don''t have the kind of juice to pull something like that off," he said.

    "Who could?" I asked, knowing the answer. God.

    "My father, and only my father," he said. "Or the Abyss, but that''s all just evil energy. It wouldn''t work for our purposes."

    "The what now?" I said.

    "The Abyss. You know, the place where every monster imaginable and unimaginable got locked away with the fallen angels? Filled with darkness and hate and evil in a dimension nothing like our own?" He looked at my blank stare, and said, "It''s in Revelations. You should read it sometime."

    "If all the fallen angels are there, why aren''t you there too? You''re a fallen angel," I said.

    "I don''t know, Dave. Maybe I''m special or something? My brain is starting to hurt from too much explaining. The point is, only my father has the juice to do your wish and your wish is with me and not him," he said.

    "Geez, ok. Can he give you the energy if he so desires?" I said.

    "I mean, I guess he could, but why would he do that?" he said.

    "If you had a son who needed therapy, would you pay for it?" I said.

    "I do have a son, and he does need therapy, and a hard kick in the ass. And yes I would," he said.

    "There''s your answer. Now just try to do it and just see if he gives you the juice," I said.

    "Fine," he put his hands together and closed his eyes. A light began to glow next to us, until a rift opened in space, about the size of a person. Lucifer looked surprised. "Wow. I guess he was willing to pay for my therapy. Huh. I''ve never seen him do anything this nice for me."

    Lucifer started to walk into the rift, but I grabbed his shoulder. "Wait. You have to choose a therapist."

    "Oh, yeah," he said.

    "It can''t be a living therapist or a dead one. Living therapist would die too quickly and the only good therapists are in heaven and you can''t borrow people from there, so that leaves us with¡­" I trailed off.

    "Angels and demons," he said. "It can only be someone who can live as long as me."

    "What about Raphael?" I said.

    "He would work. He''s the only one of my brothers who ever had the patience to listen to me complain," he said.

    "Ok, then. I wish for you to enter a dimension outside of time, while this universe is paused, and get therapy from Raphael until you forgive your father." I said.

    "I''m probably going to hate you for this," he said. He snapped his fingers and Raphael appeared.

    "I''m glad you didn''t do that a moment sooner, or my toes wouldn''t have assembled yet," Raphael said.

    "It''s great to see you, Raphael, but we don''t have much time. You do, but this universe doesn''t. I need you to give Lucifer therapy until he forgives his father. You will have infinite time. You just have to have the patience to keep at it potentially forever," I said.

    "Oh, yeah, I can do that. Sounds like a great way to spend a Tuesday night," he said.

    "Alright. See you two on the other side," I said.

    Lucifer and Raphael stepped through the rift and it closed up behind them, pausing time on my side of the rift.

 Chapter 15: Progress

    As soon as the rift closed, it opened right back up again. Raphael stepped out first, looking exactly the same as he had before. It was like no time had passed at all. Then Lucifer stepped out. He was wearing the same clothes, and his hair and facial hair looked the same, but something had changed. He wasn''t the same Lucifer I knew. There was no sign of the tension and stress and misery from before. He was free. Liberated even.

    He pulled me into a hug without warning. He held it longer than normal, but not too long. He stepped back with his hand still on my shoulder and said, "Man, is it good to see you, Dave. It''s almost like I don''t even know you anymore, and I know you better than anyone."

    "I guess it was a good session, then?" I asked.

    "Good for him? Yes," Raphael said. "I''ll be honest. I strangled him a few times. I''m no worse off than I was before, but he can be frustrating sometimes."

    "I feel great!" Lucifer said, stretching his arms and back.

    "How long were you gone? He doesn''t even seem like the same person anymore," I said.

    "I''m not sure. I lost count after 10 billion years," Raphael said, scratching his head.

    "Are you ready for the next step?" I said to Lucifer.

    "What would that be, my dear friend?" He said, smiling clearer and brighter than most people could ever accomplish.

    "Well, it''s logical. You forgave your father for what he did. The step is asking him to forgive you," I said, gesturing with my hands.

    The look on Lucifer''s face instantly went from the epitome of peace to severely offended. "Why would I ever have to do that? I did nothing wrong!"

    "Oh no. I fucked up," I said, putting my hand over my face. After a moment had a passed, I put my hands together is a steeple position and said, "Lucifer. I''m going to be very restrained when I say this, so please listen very carefully. You''ve forgiven your father, but you still refuse to acknowledge that often times fault lies on both sides when it comes to fights and family feuds? What the fuck is wrong with you? I gave you infinite time to work on your mental health and heal and grow, and you threw it in my face! I ought to kill you! Actually, I''m going to do just that. I''m going to fucking kill you, you son of a bitch. Fuck you!"

    I tackled Lucifer to the ground and began to strangle him. He grabbed my wrists and tried to push my hands off his neck, but he either couldn''t or wouldn''t do it. His face started to turn red, then purple.

    "Stop it! You''re going to kill him! Despite his pride, he''s not the same Lucifer he used to be. He''ll let you kill him. You''re his savior in his mind. You healed him. Don''t undo all of that, because he still has a few screws loose. Everyone does. Let it go, Dave!" Raphael said, talking me down from the ledge.

    I loosened my grip and let go of Lucifer''s neck. "I''m sorry Lucifer," I said, tears dropping from my eyes and onto his face. "I guess I just hoped I could fix you all in one go. That was my pride talking and I''m sorry for blaming you for it. I''m know I''m not perfect either. Can we still be friends?"

    I stood up and put out my hand to lift him up. He took it. "Sure, Dave. We can still be friends. I''m sorry I disappointed you. I really expected you to be proud of me, but I guess I have a long way to go."

    "It''s ok, Lucifer. We both do. We both do. You''re my best friend. You know that, right?" I said, hugging him.

    "Thank you, Dave. That means more to me than you know," he said, hugging me back. "But I do feel obligated to point out that I''m not a son of a bitch. I don''t have a mother, remember?"

    I squeezed my eyes shut harder and a few tears escaped. "I know, Lucifer. I know. I''m sorry. I''m so sorry."

    "Don''t cry Dave. We still have an apocalypse to stop. If you cry, what do you think that''s going to do to me? Lead by example, buddy," he said, smiling, a single tear trailing down his cheek.

    "You''re right," I said, wiping away my tears. "How are we going to stop the apocalypse, though? I''m still dead. You can go back to earth, but if I did, I suppose I''d just be a ghost."

    Lucifer looked me in the eye and laughed. "Do you really think God hasn''t seen what you''ve done? What you''ve sacrificed to try to heal his family? God sees everything."

    "What do you mean? He''s going to bring me back to life or something?" I said.

    "Maybe. I don''t presume to know what my father will or won''t do, but I know he''ll do something, and it''ll be enough to save the world. Or enough to allow others to do it for him. He doesn''t like to get his hands dirty, but he''ll go above and beyond to help those who would do it for him," Lucifer said.

    "What then, should I just sit around here waiting for him to do something? I don''t see him summoning me or bringing me to life right now," I said. I looked up at the red sky. "God? Are you there? Every second that goes by could mean Steve kills another person. If you''re going to do something, do some¡ª"

    Everything went dark for a moment, and then I appeared in a white room, sitting at a table across from a man in his twenties with a clipboard and a pen. He wore a white shirt and a black tie with another pen neatly tucked into the breast pocket of his shirt. He had black hair and amber eyes.

    "I don''t mean to be rude, but what took so long?" I said. I assumed he wasn''t God or my eyes would probably be on fire right now, if biblical mentions were to be believed.

    "Well, you are rude, so there. What took so long, you ask? We experienced some interference with our instruments from a rift in time and space that you wished into existence," he said.

    "You know, if you hadn''t interfered with Raphael''s investigation, this whole apocalypse debacle could have been avoided. It would have fizzled out like so many attempts before it."

    "But¡ª" I said.

    "Fzzz," he interrupted.

    "B¡ª" I said.

    "Fzzzzzzzzzzzz," he interrupted again.

    If you stumble upon this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.

    "Would you stop that?" I said.

    "Sure," he said.

    "Thanks. I was trying to say, didn''t we grow as people along the way, though? Didn''t Lucifer and I become better people? Isn''t moral growth just as important as the goal of stopping an apocalypse?" I said.

    "No, it''s not, but I will say that is why God allowed it. Your interference, I mean. He, in his infinite wisdom, wanted to see if you would accomplish something he has been trying millennia to do unsuccessfully. Bring his wayward son back into the fold. Oh, and grow into a better person yourself, of course," he said.

    "You were this close too," he held his index finger and his thumb together, "but you goofed up the wording of your wish and didn''t succeed in what you were trying to do."

    "Wait! You''re right! My wish didn''t do what I wanted it to do. Do you know what this means?" I said, excited.

    "No. What does it mean?" he said, losing his patience.

    "It means I get another wish!" I said. "I can try again. Oh my God, I could hug you."

    "Please don''t," he said, irritably. "I just ironed this shirt."

    "Fine. Can you send me back? I want to try again," I said.

    "You didn''t explain why this gets you another wish," he said.

    "Oh. In the original bet with Lucifer, the deal was if I won, I would get a wish. But, if he didn''t deliver on what I wanted when making the wish in its entirety, regardless of how I worded it, it wouldn''t count, and I would get another wish," I said.

    "That is a lot of words to say that he had to adhere to the spirit of the wish rather than the literal interpretation," he said.

    "I suppose you could put it that way too, but I like my way of saying it better," I said.

    "Of course you do," he said, sighing.

    "So?" I asked.

    "So what?" he replied.

    "So, can I try again?" I said.

    "I suppose that is alright with me, and I know it will be alright with God," he said, sighing again.

    "Ok send m¡ª" I said.

    I appeared back in Hell, in front of a stunned Lucifer and Raphael.

    "Where''d you go?" Lucifer said. "Did my father summon you?"

    "Our father, but yes, did he summon you? And if so, why are you back?" Raphael said.

    "Because Lucifer owes me another wish," I said. "And no. It was an angel."

    "I do?" Lucifer said.

    "Yes. I stipulated that if you did not adhere to my wish the way I intended rather than the way I said it, I would get another wish. Remember?" I said.

    "Oh, yeah. I do remember you saying something like that," Lucifer said. "I bet I know what you''re going to wish for."

    "What''s that?" I said.

    "A pony," he said.

    "When did I get replaced by a twelve-year-old girl in your mind?" I said.

    "A few minutes ago," he said.

    "Right. Well, wish time. I wish for you to go into a dimension outside of time with Raphael and have him give you therapy until you acknowledge your part in your banishment from Heaven and are willing to ask God for forgiveness and mean it," I said.

    "Damn it. That''s a pretty good one. Well, we better get started, Raph," Lucifer said.

    Lucifer did the same concentration and hand gestures as before, and a rift opened in front of us.

    Raphael sighed and looked at me. "You''re going to kill me, kid."

    "Sorry," I said. "At least I''ll be going with you this time, so you''ll have back up."

    "You''re what?" Raphael said.

    "Dave, you''ll die," Lucifer said.

    "I''m already dead. For eternity, baby!" I said.

    "He''s got us there," Raphael said.

    "You can come, but you better not interfere with my therapy," Lucifer said.

    "Oh. Lucifer, I''m hurt. Why do think I would do such a thing?" I said, holding my hands over my heart.

    "Because I know you," he said.

    "Fair," I said. "Well, either way, it''s part of my wish, so you have to let me come with."

    "You didn''t say anything about coming with though," Lucifer said.

    "I didn''t have to. Spirit of the wish, remember?" I said.

    "He tricked you, Lucy. You got tricked," Raphael said.

    "You done got tricked, son. Pew, pew, pew," I said, doing finger guns.

    "Fine. Come on. We don''t have all day," he said.

    "Awesome!" I said.

    We all walked through the rift, and it closed behind us. I stood in the middle of floating space. I don''t mean I was floating in space. That''s different. I mean, I was standing on a hard surface and images of space surrounded us, but the hard surface was invisible. It was just there.

    "So when did it start? Your impotence, I mean," Raphael said to Lucifer.

    "I''m not impotent, you fool! I''m omnipotent!" Lucifer said.

    "No, you''re not," I said, idly, as I looked around.

    "No, you''re right. I''m not. I just thought it would sound clever," he said.

    "Mission accomplished then. But where''s the furniture? Also, don''t you think space is kind of depressing?" I said.

    "I guess we never really thought about it," Raphael said.

    "Wait, so you''ve just been doing stand up therapy for billions of years? No wonder you tried to kill each other!" I said. "Make a therapist''s chair for you, a chaise lounge for Lucifer to lie down on, and a guest chair or couch for me."

    Raphael clapped his hands together twice and a chair, a chaise lounge, and a couch appeared.

    "What the hell was that?" I said.

    "What?" Raphael said.

    "That clap thing you did," I said.

    "Oh, that''s what I do when I activate my powers to make something appear," he said.

    "Oh. I guess I''m just so used to Lucifer snapping his fingers that I assumed all angels, fallen or otherwise, did that," I said.

    "Nope. I clap. Twice," Raphael said.

    "I fart when I activate my powers," Lucifer said.

    "No, you don''t! Now lay down on the lounge chair," I said, pointing at the chaise lounge.

    "Yes, mother," he said.

    "Raph, can you make a therapy room around us? Put a bookcase here, a white board here, and make the sound system come from here, here, and here," I said, pointing at different parts of the room. "Oh, and put psychology books in the bookcase. Also, add a few random life advice books written by celebrities."

    Raphael clapped twice and everything appeared as I asked him to.

    "Good. Now this feels like real therapy," I said.

    "Also, maybe read some of those psychology books," I said.

    "Don''t you think if I could make them appear, that I would know what they contain already?" Raphael said.

    "I guess that''s a good point, but do you?" I said.

    "I do not," he said, hanging his head.

    "How are you supposed to be a therapist if you don''t know anything about therapy? No wonder it took you over 10 billion years the first time!" I said.

    "Fine. As you wish," Raphael picked out a book titled, "Therapy for Weenies." Then he sat down in the chair and began reading. Like a normal human. Slowly.

    "You don''t know how to speed read?" I said.

    "I do not. Other than divine magic, like Lucifer, I don''t know how to do a lot of things. We''re not humans. We''ve never had to actually live on Earth. So we have no earthly skills."

    "I see. Does that include social skills?" I asked.

    "Unfortunately, yes," Raphael said.

    "Speak for yourself, bud! I have great social skills!" Lucifer said.

    "What are you talking about? You''re like the most antisocial person I''ve ever met!" I said.

    "Doesn''t mean I don''t have social skills," Lucifer said, crossing his arms and looking away from me.

    "Uh, it kind of does," I said.

    "Agree to disagree," he said.

    "You''re making my point for me," I said.

    "Whatever," he said, pouting.

    "Wow. Ok. Well, Raph, just read all those books, and then we can get started," I said.

    "Ok," Raphael said.

    One year passed this way. Then another. And another. Raphael was a really slow reader and his comprehension skills were garbage. No offense to him. He just didn''t have any practice at it.

    After a few years, Lucifer and I developed a game we called Slap-Five, and it worked like this. You had to wind your arm as far back as it could go in whatever direction you wanted to start your slap. Then you would try to slap your opponent. You could slap them anywhere, but only the face counted for points. Person being slapped could block the slap by either high-fiving the slapper''s hand or clasping their hand into a handshake. The first person to get ten points won that round of the game.

    The beauty of the game was that there was no formal start or end time for the rounds. When one round ended, the next began. So you could catch your opponent unawares and slap the shit out of them. And since we were all invincible, including me, it didn''t really hurt. It was just surprising.

    One day, I was reading a celebrity book from the bookcase and Raphael said, "Done."

    "What?" I looked over at him. That was when Lucifer struck. He slapped me so hard, I tumbled off the couch.

    "Reading. I''m done reading," Raphael said.

    "Nice. Now we can start therapy. Get ready Lucifer, you''re about to get therapized," I said.

    After several years in the time rift, we were getting to the real work. I was excited.

 Chapter 16: Therapy

    Raphael sat down in the therapist''s chair, folding his wings neatly behind the back, and crossing one of his legs over the other. "Lucifer, I''d like to take this opportunity to get to know you better. What do you do in your free time?"

    "Well, I like clubbing baby seals, knocking the ice cream off kids'' ice cream cones, and long walks on the beach," he said sarcastically.

    "Lucifer, while I can appreciate your sense of humor, avoiding the question will not make it go away. Understand, I want to know who you are. Who Lucifer really is. Not the Devil, or Satan, but you, Lucifer Morningstar," Raphael said.

    He was off to an incredible start. He really did seem to learn and absorb the information about therapy and psychology in those books. He wasn''t even talking like Raphael, the archangel, anymore. He was talking like Raphael, the therapist.

    "I don''t know if I can do that. What if you hate me? The real me?" He said, suddenly seeming very small.

    "Lucifer, I could never hate you. You''re my brother. I love you. This isn''t very therapist of me, but I''m aware of a vast majority of your decisions, in heaven and in hell, and I don''t hate you. What would revealing your inner thoughts do to change that?" Raphael said.

    "Well, I think mostly of myself and my needs before the needs of others. I take what I want, regardless of how it affects other people. I hate a vast majority of the people I''ve met, including a large portion of our family, yourself not included anymore. I''ve hurt millions of people to get what I want, and I''m about to be the reason the world ends," he said, poking his index fingers together.

    "Brother, no offense intended here, but I already knew all of that. Is there anything else you think could change my mind about you?" Raphael said.

    "Well, I stole someone from heaven because I wanted her to be my girlfriend," he said, looking down.

    Raphael cleared his throat and leaned forward slightly. "Could you clarify what you mean by that?"

    "I tricked someone who was perfect in every way. She was surely destined for heaven, and I tricked her into selling me her soul. I thought she was so good that she could make me whole. Make me a better person, he said.

    "What happened?" Raphael said, his grip on the arms of the chair tightening slightly.

    "She was too good. She hates me. She wants nothing to do with me. I tried to give her back, but apparently that''s against the rules. Once a soul has been bargained, that''s it. They belong in whatever realm or dimension that the person they bargained with belongs in," he said, crying with his head in his hands.

    "She lives in a wing of my castle now and never comes out. All she does is watch hallmark movies all day and drink wine coolers. And cries. She cries a lot. I wish I didn''t have such good hearing. I can hear everything she does. Especially the crying. I moved to the other side of the castle, thinking I wouldn''t be able to hear her anymore, but I was wrong."

    I noticed a flaw in his logic. Or at least a way to correct his mistake. If bargained souls had to stay in the dimension that the person they bargained with belong in, he could simply make himself belong in Heaven again.

    If he did that, then she would be able to enter Heaven and be happy and heal from her negative experiences in Hell. That would require Lucifer to make a great sacrifice of his pride, and apologize to God for his hubris and ask for forgiveness, but it was an option.

    Raphael let go of the chair''s arms and relaxed back into his seat. "Did you learn anything from that experience?"

    "Yes. Don''t trick people into bargains. Only make deals with people who want to," he said.

    "That''s very good, Lucifer. Is there anything else you would like to say?" he said.

    "Yes, there is. I''m sorry for stealing your robes, so you had to wear the same one every day. I did it because you liked me and I thought if I did it, you would know it was me and hate me for it. I thought that if I made you reject me, I would feel in control and less vulnerable, but you never noticed. So I had to watch you suffer every day and still care about me. I''m sorry," Lucifer said, still crying.

    "That was you? That, I did not know, but it makes sense. You seem to engage in self-destructive behaviors in an attempt to feel safe, but it doesn''t work, does it?" Raphael said.

    "No. It doesn''t. I don''t know why I keep doing it, thinking something is going to change. I know I have to change to make my life better, but it seems so impossible that I give up at the first sign of difficulty," Lucifer said, wiping his eyes.

    "I think we''ve made a lot of progress today, but I don''t want you to experience emotional or mental fatigue, so I''m going to stop the session here. We can pick it back up tomorrow," Raphael said. "I''m going for a walk." He walked towards a wall, materialized a door and went through it, closing it behind him.

    "He could do that this whole time?" I said.

    "So can I," Lucifer said, snapping his fingers, and another door appeared.

    "Right," I said. I''m going to sleep. Wake me up when the next session happens.

    It was obvious that Lucifer''s confession had affected Raphael. He was going on a walk to cool off, so he didn''t display his emotions to Lucifer. That would undo the progress Lucifer had made today, and Raphael was starting to act like a professional instead of strangling Lucifer when he got angry.

    If we made this level of progress every day, we''d be done in less than a year. None of that 10 billion years non sense.

    I didn''t want to have to do this, but I''m going to reveal my true motives for this wish. Ultimately, my goal all along has been self preservation. As soon as I heard about the apocalypse plot, I knew I had to be involved, not out of some altruistic goodness of my heart, but because somewhere deep down, I knew that if I didn''t get involved, the plan to stop it would fail. Now you might call that hubris or pride, but I call it intuition.

    If you encounter this tale on Amazon, note that it''s taken without the author''s consent. Report it.

    It''s what got me to the final table in many tournaments and sometimes allowed me to win the whole thing. That is, until I realized none of my success made me happy and I drank myself into gambling debt and enforcers started breaking my fingers.

    When I''m sober, though, my intuition works like a well-oiled machine. It allows me to figure out solutions to problems with seemingly impossible odds, and even though I don''t know how I beat Lucifer at the bet, I know following my intuition was at least partially responsible.

    So, while I liked helping my friend grow and heal, that wasn''t my only goal from this wish. My goal was to find a way to come back to life and stop the apocalypse. Since Lucifer couldn''t bring me back to life, I knew I had to involve God. What does God like? He likes selfless acts, sacrifice, and helping others. Giving up my wish to help Lucifer become a better person fulfilled all those requirements. The only thing I didn''t foresee was how hard it would be to do that.

    That wasn''t a problem, though. I just had to put in some extra work. What was a million or even a billion years or more in the face of an eternity in Hell? I figured if I saved the world from an apocalypse, I could at least buy myself into Purgatory, to avoid all that Hell business. While I didn''t mind temporary suffering, I sure as hell didn''t have it in me to endure eternal suffering. Maybe if I saved the world a few more times, I could get into Heaven when I die again. Who knows?

    The next few sessions were slower than the first. It felt like every session he would take two steps forward, but then one step back before the next session. I wished he would just take one step forward and stay there instead of giving me false hope we were going to get there quicker.

    Lucifer built his own room out of the side of the therapy room. Every day he would show up in more and more casual clothes until one day he showed up in booty shorts and a mesh shirt. Raphael and I made him change.

    After that, he just showed up in sweat pants and some graphic t-shirt that was too on the nose for my taste. One day the shirt said "Hell''s angel," the next it said "Why do I smell sulfur?" and the next it said "I''m with stupid" but the arrow pointed up at his own face. That last one I actually liked. I agreed with the statement.

    I basically lived on the couch. None of us had to eat or use the restroom or drink water, so we didn''t have any facilities for that. Technically, we didn''t even have to change clothes, because I was a soul and they were angels. Our bodies didn''t get dirty or oily over time like humans did. Man, did I miss food, though. It created such a nice mental break where you could relax and just enjoy the sensations in your mouth. That sounds weird.

    "Can we have food breaks?" I said one day.

    "What, you mean like meals?" Raphael said, reading a book written by a celebrity.

    "Yeah. I feel like it would help with our mental health. I know it would help with mine," I said.

    "Sure," he said.

    "And fiction books, and music, and TV. And personal space," I said.

    After that day, the dimension slowly turned into a house. With a park outside for walks. We all got our own rooms and spaces and TVs. It started to turn into a mansion, but we decided to downsize because it was taking too long to walk to the therapy room. Then it was just a large house with a therapy room.

    I sat in on every session, but I rarely said anything. I liked to watch Lucifer make progress. It made me feel like I was actually accomplishing something. Our relationship grew outside of therapy. I had won the last five rounds of Slap-Five and Lucifer and I would watch TV and movies together. We were starting to become real friends. Raphael would join us occasionally, but he intentionally kept some distance to maintain the appearance that he was a professional therapist.

    He seemed to be doing well mentally, though, when I would check on him. He was always doing something creative, like painting, or writing, or playing an instrument. He wrote a lot of poems and short stories. I would read them on occasion.

    He even held small concerts where Lucifer and I would listen to him play piano or classical guitar. I would join him in painting on occasion too, but my work was never as good as his. He was so skilled he could recreate the Mona Lisa, and no one would be able to tell the difference.

    Lucifer never pursued anything really creative. He was more into games. We would play poker together sometimes, but I would always win. Mostly because he had gotten so easy to read. I wouldn''t say I was particularly skilled at reading people, but most doctors wouldn''t say they were particularly skilled at treating people either. Trust me, I''ve asked.

    He also liked to play computer games. His favorite was a role playing game where he got to play a knight who would go on quests and save damsels in distress. It was called Dungeons and Damsels. I played it a few times, but I couldn''t get into it. At least not as much as him. The dungeons were decent but saving damsels always went the same way.

    There was a woman trapped in a tower of a castle and you had to save them from some monster, like a dragon or a vampire. You''d save them, then they would always profess their love to you and would want to make love immediately to express their eternal gratitude.

    I was always worried that more monsters would show up, but they never did. The scenes were also a little too steamy and romantic for my taste. Lucifer seemed to eat it up, though. I think he secretly wanted to be the hero in his life''s story. Not the villain that he was always made out to be. I wanted that for him, too.

    Whenever a TV show or movie portrayed the Devil as a villain, he would immediately change it to something else. I think he cried about it sometimes, because one time I walked by the bathroom, which we had now, since we were eating food again, and I heard him sobbing. I assumed it was because of how others or he perceived himself, but I suppose he could have just been having a hard time in the bathroom.

    On Friday nights, Raphael would cook an extravagant meal for all of us. We called them Raphael''s Chef Nights. We weren''t particularly good at naming things. It always got us chatting and socializing. Lucifer would always talk about the latest TV show or movie he had watched or the latest damsel he had saved. Raphael would always talk about his creative pursuits. And I just enjoyed the company.

    It all ended on a rainy Sunday. Raphael had instituted weather outside the house, because he said it was therapeutic. I didn''t disagree. Sun was good for the mind and rain was good for the soul.

    Lucifer was deep in introspection that day. "I always hurt people because I''m afraid of being hurt. If I was truly strong and powerful like I pretend to be, I could handle rejection, but instead, I reject others before they can reject me. I did it to my brothers, I did it to my father, and I did it to you, Dave. I''m sorry. I don''t want to be that person anymore."

    Raphael took down some notes and said, "I think that''s where we''ll end today''s session, and I think that concludes our last session. It was great working with you, Lucifer, and you, Dave. I think Lucifer is ready for the next step."

    "What step would that be?" Lucifer said through teary eyes.

    "Apologizing and asking for forgiveness from father. Remember?" He said.

    "Oh, yeah. I think I might actually be ready to do that now. If I can apologize in here, I can surely apologize out there to him," he said optimistically.

    I think he was underestimating how hard it was going to be, but I didn''t want to bring his spirits down or discourage him. "Good job, Lucifer," I said, with a smile that I didn''t feel. Instead of joy, I felt anxiety and fear. Fear that it wouldn''t last. Fear that he would fail. I wasn''t going to let him see that, though. He needed to go into it with a clear mind.

    And with that, the house began to dismantle and fall apart around us until we were standing in space again. A rift opened in front of us and we all stepped through.

 Chapter 17: The Offer

    We walked out of the rift, and it closed behind us. Lucifer threw himself dramatically to the ground and cried out. "Father!"

    I half expected a deep booming voice to go, "Yes, my son?" But that didn''t happen.

    "Father! I''m sorry! I was wrong to question you and to think I was smarter and better than you and more handsome," he said. Lucifer cried into the ground for several minutes.

    I walked up to Lucifer and put my hand on his shoulder. "I don''t think you have to cry that long."

    "But I want to cry!" he said, shrugging off my hand. He sobbed into his hands for another ten minutes, and then a blinding light came down from the sky.

    "My son. That is enough. You needn''t cry any longer. Come back home and we shall discuss your future," a deep booming voice said. I wondered if that was God or simply an angel speaking for Him. He didn''t seem the type to make public appearances. Especially not in Hell.

    "Yes, father," Lucifer replied. "But I have no wings to fly."

    "I shall return them to you on the condition that you come straight to me. Skip past the front desk," the voice said. "I shall warn them in advance."

    "Thank you, father," Lucifer said. A concentrated beam of light hit Lucifer and he groaned. He didn''t scream, but he was in pain. He ripped his shirt and suit jacket off and threw them to the ground. On his back were vestigial wings beginning to grow in.

    They quickly grew and spurted from his back and extended out into the full form I was used to seeing from Raphael, but they were larger and grander somehow. They glowed with subtle white light. I was seeing something momentous. The greatest angel to ever live was getting back his wings. He stretched and retracted them to get the feel for them again, and then took off into the sky. He flew into the light that was coming down from the Heavens and disappeared.

    "So now wha¡ª" I began to say to Raphael, but when I looked to my right, he wasn''t there. Not because he left, but because I did. I was sitting across a table from the same angel who had summoned me the first time.

    He was giving me a peculiar look. He was smiling in an admiring way, but his eyes were narrowed like he was inspecting me. Trying to see what he had missed the first time. At least he was smiling. The time before, he had been frowning and not in a very welcoming way. This time, it was more like he was curious about me. Wanted to understand me, but didn''t want to do it the normal way, by just talking to me.

    "Are you going to stare at me all day, or are you going to say something?" I asked, a little bewildered.

    "I will stop, since it seems to be bothering you, but I hope it makes you feel better to know that I''m not scrutinizing you because I dislike you. I''m scrutinizing you because I was wrong about you before. I thought you had failed, but you had merely taken the first step toward success," he said.

    "Now, we must talk. There are some logistics that need to be discussed, but first I must congratulate you on achieving something even God himself could not. Getting Lucifer to come home. You see, God had not banished him as he thinks. God simply wanted to give him a time out, so to speak. A moment to clear his head and think about what he had done."

    "But days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months, months turned into years, and years turned into centuries, and centuries turned into millennia. He never pulled himself out of time out. He chose to stay in it, thinking that was where he belonged. God has long since forgiven him for his transgression. God regretted the time out moments after he had delivered it, but Lucifer did not seek to reconcile."

    "You see, divine law required Lucifer to want forgiveness in order for him to receive it. Forgiveness is not a one-way street. Someone can forgive another in their mind, but it does not take hold and achieve an effect until the recipient desires to receive it."

    "You cannot simply forgive someone who thinks they have done nothing wrong. It merely deflects off of them and usually makes them angrier and more convinced they are right than before. So God waited and waited and waited, but Lucifer never came. Only through you has the prodigal son returned. But herein lies the problem."

    "What problem is that?" I asked. I was a smart person. I knew that, but I didn''t know what he was referring to. I was missing something.

    "Up until recently, Lucifer has ruled over Hell. Now, he has re-ascended to Heaven. Who shall run Hell in his absence? Hell does not run itself. I can assure you of that. Without Lucifer, Hell will devolve into chaos. Demons will fall out of line, souls will escape, and apocalyptic scenarios may come to pass," he said, drumming his fingers on the table.

    Oh no. Now I understood the problem, and I also understood how they wanted to solve it. They wanted me to take over Hell. I was trying to earn my way out of Hell, not rule over it.

    "No, no, no, no, no, no, no! It''s not happening! I refuse! You can''t make me do it, and even if you can, I won''t," I said.

    "You haven''t even heard my proposal. Although, it''s not my proposal really. It''s God''s proposal. You would defy the will of God?" he said. "I''m disappointed. I thought you had potential, but I guess I was wrong.

    "First off, I didn''t say that. Second, don''t you dare try to use my pride against me. I''m self aware enough to see manipulation when I see it, and I thought you angels were above that," I said.

    "Angels aren''t above manipulation, but they are bad at it. It doesn''t come naturally to them, like it does to me. That is what I do here in Heaven. They needed someone who had skill at it, unlike those bumbling buffoons. Don''t get me wrong. They are good people. But they''re too stiff. Too rigid. Afraid to get their hands dirty for the greater good. That''s where I come in," he said, smiling with his teeth showing for the first time. Their sharp points glinted in the light.

    "If you''re not an angel, then are you a demon?" I asked. This was curious. I never thought Heaven would employ a demon. I figured they would be strictly against that.

    "Not technically no. I am half-demon, half-angel. The virtue of an angel, but the skills of a demon," he said. I saw a flicker behind him and after looking closer, I noticed a white spaded tail waving in the air. I didn''t see it before because it blended in with the white room.

    "Interesting. And I don''t say that often," I said. "While I''m aware that revealing something secret about yourself is also a manipulation technique to get me to trust you more, I don''t necessarily think you mean to do me harm. So you may continue," I said.

    "Thank you," he said, steepling his short, thin fingers. "While I am using manipulation tactics, I''m not doing it out of malice. It is simply in my nature to talk this way. The pure angels find it irritating. I don''t fit in well. And while I know that you know that revealing my life''s difficulties is another manipulation tactic, I implore you to listen to what I have to say."

    "You shouldn''t assume all forms of manipulation are bad. I would argue that therapy is a form of manipulation, but you''ve just seen the good that it can do. I would also argue that you shouldn''t shy away from using manipulation yourself. It is an excellent tool. Especially when dealing with beings as insubordinate as demons. Pure demons, I mean. While I have been known to avoid my duties at times, I have never displayed the pure malice and hatred of authority and order as pure demons do."

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    He had made some decent points. Maybe I would need manipulation in my future. Especially, after he''s convinced me my best option is to take the position as ruler of Hell. I was no fool. He wouldn''t be offering this to me if he thought I wasn''t the right person for the job, and he wouldn''t be offering this to me if he thought I couldn''t be convinced.

    "Let''s say I do take over as administrator of Hell. What do I get in return? You have to acknowledge that this isn''t a win-win scenario for me. It''s a win-lose. Heaven wins, I lose. I''m not taking the job without a good salary and benefits, if you know what I mean," I said.

    "If by that you mean monetary compensation, health insurance, and retirement planning, then yes, I do know what you mean," he said, tapping the tips of his fingers together.

    "Yes, that is what I mean. That said, I require more than just those things to convince me. Offer me something I want that I don''t know I want yet," I said, leaning forward over the table slightly.

    "Power, unlimited energy, free room and board, a castle that you can build and reshape however you want to whatever size and scale that you want, a budget, a staff, servants, butlers, women, paid time off. The list goes on for a long time, but you get the picture. This is the contract with an exhaustive list of compensation and benefits, as well as Heaven''s requirements of you in so far as it pertains to your role as Administrator of Hell," he said.

    He pulled out a massive stack of papers from under the table and slapped them in front of me. I looked under the table to see where he got it from, but there was nothing there to rest the contract on. He seemingly pulled it from thin air. I guess I shouldn''t have been surprised. Divine magic seemed to be able to conjure nearly anything.

    I began to look over the contract. Normally I would skip this stuff, but this could dictate my daily existence for an eternity potentially. Although he did mention retirement, so it couldn''t be forever. Just a really long time. The list of benefits was extensive. I couldn''t possibly list them all here. So instead, I will bring them up as they become relevant or important.

    Although, were a few minor benefits that really caught my eye in their specificity and their implications. "The ability to date and pursue a relationship with Margaret Blackscorn," "access to Heaven, Hell, Paradise, and Purgatory," "guest privileges," and "vacation time in Heaven," stood out to me.

    With these combined benefits, Margaret and I could not only date but also vacation in Heaven together. We wouldn''t have to be miserable in Hell forever. We could have brief moments of happiness in Heaven. Although Margaret seemed to be fine with the environment in Hell. It was me who was bothered by it.

    There were also some other cool things, like supernatural powers and true immortality. True immortality not being full invincibility, but the inability to age and the ability to come back to life after dying.

    It stated that the average time required to re-compile my body was between 14 and 20 hours. Which removed the fear of death, but it didn''t remove the possibility of failing to stop the apocalypse. If I died and the apocalypse happened while I was re-compiling, it was still the end of the world, regardless of me being alive or not.

    So in the end, I would still fear dying, but not because of the death part. Because of the time delay. And to make things worse, the contract stipulated that if I failed to stop an early apocalypse, or any other mission I may be assigned, all benefits and retirement would be forfeit.

    That ''any other mission I may be assigned'' part worried me. What if they gave me an impossible task? I''d still have to succeed in my mission regardless of whether it was possible or not, or I would lose all privileges, rights, and benefits.

    On top of that, it stipulated that I wouldn''t be relieved of my position or the tools I needed to do the job upon failure. I would simply no longer be compensated in any way for my job. Similar to how Lucifer was treated before he redeemed himself.

    Well, that sucked. I guess I better not fail then. It also stated that upon acceptance of the job, I would be resurrected and given powers to attempt to stop the currently looming antichrist apocalypse. They didn''t state if the powers given would be enough, so I assumed they wouldn''t be and figured I would need all the help I could get.

    This meant that if I wanted to survive in any real sense, I had to take the job. Since I already made my wish granted by Lucifer, I would likely be sent back to Hell unpunished but not elevated to Purgatory or Heaven. So I''d just be a soul wandering Hell for all eternity. Deep down, before I even looked at the contract, I knew I would end up having to take the job.

    Oh well. I guess it wasn''t all bad. I''d get paid time off in Heaven, which the contract stipulated would take place outside of normal time, so I wouldn''t end up missing an apocalypse somehow while I was gone, or Hell''s bureaucracy wouldn''t fall apart.

    The detailed list of stipulations covered all of my immediate questions, worries, and concerns, so I guess I was satisfied. I knew things would come up I hadn''t thought about and the job would be even harder than I expected it to be, but versus an eternity of being homeless in Hell, I knew it was the better option.

    "Ok, I''ll take it. Where do I sign? I don''t have to sign in my own blood, do I?" I said.

    "No, only Hell makes people do that. Heaven just attaches the contract to your soul, so that you are forced to adhere to its rules," he said.

    "That sounds worse somehow," I said.

    "It''s not," he said.

    "I don''t believe you, but I guess it doesn''t matter because I''m still going to sign anyway," I said.

    "You are correct," he said. He handed me a pen and said, "Sign here, here, here, here, here, here, and here. Oh and here, as well as here. And then initial here, here, and here."

    I did as he said and signed every spot he pointed out as well as initialed the places I was supposed to. He took the pen and put it in his pocket, then he took the contract and placed it somewhere under the table, but when I looked, it was gone. Typical.

    "Well, Dave, it''s been nice working with you. We''ll probably be seeing each other again, so in light of that eventuality, my name is Keir," Keir said.

    He stuck out his hand over the table and I shook it awkwardly. "I would say my name is Dave, Keir, but you already know that. It was interesting to meet you," I said.

    "That''s very direct and honest. We''ll see how that works out in Hell," he said.

    When I blinked and opened my eyes, I was in front of Lucifer and a giant, blinding light.

    "Hey, you," I said. I pointed to the light while putting my hand in front of my eyes. "Is that God?"

    "It is," he said. "My father in all his glory."

    "He just looks like a bright light to me. I can''t see anything," I said.

    "You''re not ready to see him, Dave. But you will one day. You will," Lucifer said, putting his arm around my shoulder. "I assume Keir gave you the rundown?"

    "Yeah. So I''m your replacement?" I said.

    "Yeah. Seems fitting, doesn''t it?" he said.

    "How so?" I said.

    "I don''t know. You just seem like the right person for the job. You''re good, but you''re not too good. You''re smart, you''re relatively charming, and you always seem to succeed at everything you try to do. Eventually," he said. "You''re not as charming as me, of course, but no one is except my father, and Jesus, of course. The heavenly spirit is kind of just there. The word charm doesn''t apply to how it operates."

    "Right," I said. "You''re complimenting me, but I can tell you''re not doing it to manipulate me like Keir, so I''ll accept it."

    "Yeah, Keir is like that. He tries to be sincere, but he never comes off that way. That''s just part of his nature," Lucifer said. "He''s not a bad guy, though. He does his job, and he does it well. And everything turns out for the best. That''s all you can really ask for."

    "I suppose that''s true. Well, either way, it''s been nice knowing you, Lucifer. Good luck with your new role. Old role? Good luck in your newly reacquired role. That''s it," I said, smiling and offering my hand to shake.

    Lucifer took it and shook. "Thanks, Dave. Good luck with yours as well. You''ve accomplished a lot in a short amount of time. I''m impressed."

    "Thanks," I said. "Can I talk to God?"

    "Sure. He''s rather brief and concise, so you can''t really pal around with him like you do me. He''s not that kind of guy. But you can talk to him. Jesus surprisingly isn''t just hanging around much, so you can''t say hi to him. He spends most of his time appearing to people on pieces of toast," Lucifer said.

    "What?" I said.

    "I''m just kidding. He spends most of his time visiting people in heaven and on earth and spreading his love. Not in a gross way. In a heavenly way. Or a ''holy'' way, you might even say," he said, laughing and looking at God.

    A deep booming voice laughed a hearty laugh. I didn''t understand the joke.

    "Right," I said. I turned to the bright light still covering my eyes. It was like trying to look directly into the sun, but worse somehow. "Well, sir, your holiness. I appreciate you, even if I don''t understand you at times. They say you work in mysterious ways though, so I guess I shouldn''t be surprised there. So thanks for godding your godliness and stuff."

    "Dave. Thank you for your service. You will be rewarded for your sacrifice. Know that I love you and will always be with you, wherever you are," He said.

    "Even in the bathroom?" I said. I couldn''t resist making the joke. I joke when I''m nervous and God made me really nervous. Although, I guess I shouldn''t be more nervous standing in front of God than being anywhere else, because he could see everything.

    "No," He said. No laugh or awkward explanation. Just no. Perfectly, Godly.

    "Ok, well, are you going to send me off, or do I step into a portal or some¡ª" I said, but was cut off.

    Suddenly, I was in my apartment, but not in my body. I floated around for a while and watched a detective look everything over. One of the crime scene investigators took my medallions off my body. Those jer. It took me a while to figure it out, but I realized I was supposed to go back into my body. So that''s what I did. And then the detective lost his mind. Three gunshots rang out in my apartment.

 Chapter 18: Resurrection

    "Ow, is what I would say if that hurt," I said, looking at my chest and peeling the three flattened bullets off my shirt. Luckily, it hadn''t torn. I don''t know what I would''ve done if this guy ruined my favorite shirt. It was a charcoal gray graphic tee with just the word "Beans" on it.

    "Instead, I will say, how dare you fire a gun at an unarmed civilian!" I said, looking at the detective with his gun aimed at me.

    His hands were shaking, and his face was twisted with fear. "You, you were dead, and now you''re alive!" he said.

    "Are we just stating facts? You''re a detective and you shot me, an unarmed civilian! See, I can do it too," I said.

    "You''re not supposed to be alive! You''re supposed to be dead!" he said, his voice wavering.

    I looked at the man and sighed. I was sitting on the couch, because that''s what I was doing when I died. I grabbed the remote and tried to turn the TV on, but his body was in the way. I tried holding my arm out to the side to get around him, but it didn''t work.

    "You make a better door than a window," I said.

    "What?" he said, confused.

    "Move out of the way!" I yelled.

    He blasted me three more times with his gun, but these smushed against my forehead. I peeled them off irritably and threw the three bullets at him. "Ow!" he said.

    "I''m trying to turn on the TV. Move! I want to see if Steve is on the news," I said.

    "Steve? Who''s Steve?" he said.

    "He''s the guy in the white suit who''s probably terrorizing Las Vegas right now," I said. I finally scooted to the far right side of the couch to see the TV because the detective wasn''t budging. I turned on the TV and changed it to a news channel.

    "Oh, that guy? He destroyed Vegas already. He''s moved on to Reno," he said, backing towards the door. He fumbled with the doorknob, opened the door and said, "I''m going to get backup. Don''t go anywhere." Then he left and closed the door behind him.

    Something important occurred to me as he closed the door. The sword! Azrael''s sword! I ran to the door and opened it. The guy was already a hundred feet away from me. How fast could this guy run?

    "Hey guy!" I yelled.

    He stopped and turned around. "What?" He looked annoyed, but I couldn''t care less about that. I needed that sword and the police had no right to take it, assuming they committed such a heinous act.

    "Where''s the sword?" I yelled down the hallway.

    "What sword?" He yelled back.

    He didn''t know about the sword. If they had taken a flaming sword that could melt through concrete like butter, they would have told him about it. The entire department would know about it. Hell, they might even throw a party where they cut office equipment to pieces with it. Meaning they hadn''t found it. Time to check the apartment.

    "Nevermind!" I yelled back.

    "Okay," He yelled and began bolting to the elevator again. That little man was fast!

    I tore the apartment apart. I looked under the couch, under the sink, under the toilet. I looked everywhere it could possibly be under. The place was in shambles when I was done.

    Lucifer popped into existence in the living room and looked around. "Nice. Everything is exactly where we left it. The cops didn''t ransack your apartment. I don''t know from experience, but I''ve heard they have a bad habit of doing that when looking for clues. Well, they added those evidence markers there, there, and there. And there, but besides adding things to your apartment, they didn''t do anything to it. Good."

    "Lucifer! Please tell me you have the sword," I said, making prayer hands.

    "Yes, I have the sword. I even went to the liberty of exorcising Lilith from it. She is safe and sound in Hell as we speak. Filling out paperwork. In her office," he said, smiling his devilish grin.

    Wait. Was he still the Devil? Was he still Satan? Or did those go away now that he had been reinstated? Was Satan a name or a title?

    "Are you the Devil? Are you Satan?" I said.

    "Are you having a stroke?" he said, looking genuinely concerned.

    "No. I mean, do you keep those titles now that you''re reinstated as an angel?" I said.

    "Hmm. I hadn''t thought about it," he said, stroking his chin. "Well, technically, I''m not a devil anymore, because I''m an ascended angel now, not a fallen one. And Satan just means, ''adversary''. So no, those titles don''t apply to me anymore," he said.

    "Huh. I guess I generally just call you Lucifer in my head, but it''s weird knowing that you''re just Lucifer now," I said.

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    "You say, ''just Lucifer'' like it''s a bad thing. Those titles were the bad things and now that''s not me anymore. You should be happy for me!" he said.

    "I am happy for you! It''s just a lot to adjust to is what I''m saying," I said.

    "Speaking of adjusting, how are you adjusting to the powers?" he said.

    "What powers? So far, all I have is just invincibility still, and I''m pretty sure that''s just because you never turned it off," I said.

    "Oh. Oh! I forgot! I have to pass on the crown," he said.

    "The crown? What crown?" I said, confused.

    "The Crown of Corruption. Hold on a second. Don''t look," he said. He unbuttoned his shirt and then plunged his hand in his chest. After a few moments of fumbling around, he pulled out a crown, freshly soaked in blood and tissue. It looked like tissue had grown around it, because it had been in there so long.

    "Ew!" I said, shielding my eyes.

    "I told you not to look!" he said.

    "I mean, I can''t not look at the crown. It''s gross. You''re not going to put that in me, are you?" I said.

    "I mean, I was, but not if you don''t want me to. This is the only way you get the powers of administrator of Hell though. I will say a lot of the powers are redundant with my own angel powers like teleportation, but not all of them. The darkness manipulation only comes from the crown. And the hellfire. And the zombies," he said.

    "There are zombies?" I said, scratching my head.

    "No. But you do get cool minions. I won''t spoil it. Also, from what God told me after you left, some powers are unique to the individual bearing the crown. Isn''t that cool? So you''ll have powers I never had! I can''t wait to see them! This is so exciting! I haven''t been this excited since I was born!" he said.

    "Hmm. Interesting. Ok, I''ll take it, but you have to wash it off first. I''m not putting parts of your body in my body. That''s nasty. Also, I didn''t mean it to sound like that," I said.

    "Sure you didn''t," he said, winking. He walked over to the sink and began to wash all the gross gunk off the crown. When he was done, he walked back over to me and presented to me a beautiful golden crown with black jewels inlaid around the outside. He handed it to me. "The jewels light up with different colors as you activate the powers. You can''t technically see them, because they''ll be inside you, but you can sense them lighting up and which colors are activated."

    "Cool," I said. "This thing isn''t going to make me turn evil, is it?"

    "No. The Crown of Corruption is just an edgy name. That''s all," he said. "Try it on."

    "Ok," I said. I put the crown on my head, because that''s the first thing that came to mind when he said, ''try it on.''

    "Don''t put it there!" he said.

    "Why?" I said, after already taking my hands off the crown. I immediately put my hands back on it and tried to take it off, but it wouldn''t budge.

    "It''s just going to feel really weird, that''s all," he said, looking concerned.

    I felt as the crown began to dig into the skin around my skull. It dug through the skin, then the bone. He was right. It did feel weird. It kept shrinking and shrinking until it passed all the way through my skull and wrapped around my brain. I had a terrible headache for a split second and then the feeling was gone. The crown wasn''t in my head anymore. I could sense that it was vaguely in my body, but in no specific place.

    "Thanks for warning me after I already put it on my head," I said.

    "Sorry! I thought you''d know since I pulled it out of my chest, but it''s over now, and you''re fine," he said, shrugging.

    "True," I said. "So, when is it supposed to light up?"

    "Pretty close to immediately. You should start with at least one ability," Lucifer said.

    Then I felt it. A jewel lit up purple in my head. "Oh, I got a dark purple jewel. What does that mean?"

    "Teleportation," he said confidently.

    "Nice. That''s exactly what I needed," I said.

    "Well, I should get going. I just came by to drop off the sword and the crown. Apparently, I''m being retrained for my position by Raphael," he said.

    "Thanks for everything, Lucifer. I feel like a new man because of you. And you didn''t even have to kill me to do it," I said, grinning.

    "But I totally would have if you hadn''t died first," he said.

    "We both know you didn''t have it in you at the end there," I said.

    "No, I would''ve done it. I was just getting my fingers warmed-up," he said.

    "Yeah, you keep telling yourself that, buddy," I said. "I''ve got an antichrist to stop. Wait! Where''s Sarah? You told me where Lilith is, but what about her?"

    "Oh, yeah. Sarah went back to her mom''s. She said she''d had enough adventure for a lifetime and left. She told me to tell you to visit her after you''d saved the world," he said. "She said she had something to tell you."

    "Oh, mysterious," I said. "What is she going to say? She''s the one who killed me?" I laughed.

    Lucifer laughed too. "Yeah, right! That would be hilarious! You fight demons, get dropped into the molten core of the earth, and fight the literal antichrist, somehow come back from that, and then your ex-girlfriend finally does you in. Call me when pigs fly, too."

    "I will," I said, with a serious expression. "When do I get my own immortality thingy? Or is it already set up? And how does it work? Where do I respawn?"

    "Oh, your immortality and invincibility are already set up. I transferred it to you when I touched your shoulder. You''re invincible to everything except divine powers and artifacts, and magic. If you are killed, you respawn in a primordial ooze pit in the center of my castle, which is now your castle. The pit is a lot like a hot tub. There are towels set up nearby to wipe yourself off with, too. You can do whatever you want with the castle, and the pit, for that matter. You can reshape it and restyle it however you want. You can even move things from one place to another. Want a bathroom that connects to another bathroom? A toilet that flushes on someone you hate? Why not?" he said, spreading his arms wide.

    "How am I able to control the castle?" I said.

    "The crown ties you inexorably to Hell. Technically, your control is not limited to the castle. You can build, tear down, rebuild, and reshape Hell however you want," he said.

    "Does that mean I can change the circles and choose how to punish sinners?" I said, rubbing my hands together. I was getting ideas.

    "Yeah. If you want. You can do whatever you want to Hell. You just can''t unmake it and you can''t banish souls from Hell. God decides where people go, and if they go to Hell, then that''s where they''ll stay," he said.

    "Does overcrowding become an issue?" I said.

    "No. Hell, like Heaven, Purgatory, and even the universe, is ever expanding. It gets larger as needed, based on occupancy."

    "Interesting. I have too many ideas I want to try," I said.

    "I see that evil look in your eye, and I like it. With that, you''ll go far in Hell," he said.

    "Evil? I was going for excited," I said.

    "Same thing," he said.

    "Huh. I''m not going to argue with that. So. See you around?" I said.

    Lucifer nodded. "See you around. I''ll be keeping my eyes on you. Yes, even in the bathroom."

    "Gross. Weirdo," I said.

    "Nah, I''m just kidding. See you later, Dave," he snapped his fingers and Lucifer was gone.

    As soon as he left, I heard someone say on the other side of my front door, "Breaching." Seconds later, my door exploded inwards into chunks of wood. A swat team quickly marched into my studio apartment. Needless to say, it was cramped.

    "Put your hands up!" One of them said.

    "Get on the ground, face down!" Another said.

    I threw my hands up in the air and said, "Which is it? I can''t do both."

 Chapter 19: New Sheriff in Town

    Different swat team members yelled directions at me.

    "Put your hands up!"

    "Get on the ground face down!"

    "Do the Hokey Pokey and you turn yourself around, that''s what it''s all about!" I said, doing a goofy dance. "You guys better not shoot up my apartment. I''m still paying the landlord back for when the oven went out."

    "Hold on. You''re not supposed to have to pay your landlord when something breaks. That''s illegal," one of them said.

    "John, you''re not helping!" the leader said. "Now listen to me and only me. Get down on the ground and put your hands behind your back!"

    I got down on the ground like he said and put my hands behind my back. He cuffed me. "Now stand up!"

    When I tried to stand up, the cuffs broke. "Oops," I said, showing them the broken cuffs. I guess I had super strength now too. I might need to hold back a little with these guys or they could get hurt.

    I ripped the cuffs off my wrists and looked at their gear. They had multiple sets of cuffs just hanging off their bodies. I grabbed a pair off the leader and grabbed his wrists gently like I would a kid and cuffed his wrists together. Don''t get me wrong, I wouldn''t cuff a kid. I''d just be gentle with them if I was grabbing their wrists. This is just sounding more and more wrong. I''m going to stop talking now.

    The leader said, "Hey! You can''t do that! Uncuff me this instant!"

    "Where are the keys?" I asked.

    He tried to pull them out of his pocket and dropped them on the floor. So I picked them up and hurled them through the glass sliding door that led to the tiny balcony that barely qualified as a balcony. They shattered through the glass and sailed off into the night, never to be seen again. Probably.

    "Hey! How am I gonna get these off now?" he said.

    "I''m sure back up will have keys," I said. "I just need you restrained enough to let me leave without you shooting up the place after I disappear."

    "What?" he said, confused.

    "Get on the ground, please," I said, kicking his feet out from under him. He tumbled to the floor. I grabbed another set of cuffs off him and cuffed his feet together.

    Then I did the same to the rest of the squad. Keep in mind, they weren''t just standing idly by while I cuffed their squad leader. They were beating me with batons and zapping me with tasers, but they had no effect on me, so I barely noticed. I just walked through them and they fell over. I didn''t even have to try to trip them. I grabbed their cuffs and keys and systematically cuffed them all and threw their keys away. When I was done, the entire swat team was restrained on the ground.

    "Ok, I want you all to listen to what I say and watch what I do. Just leave me alone from now on. I am no longer on your radar as a human being that needs the law to be enforced on him. It won''t work, you''ll simply get in the way of me saving the world. Ok? Have we listened good? Nod your heads if you''ve listened good," I said, nodding my head. I leaned down and picked Azrael''s sword off the ground. Lucifer must have set it down before he left.

    They all nodded their heads back. "Good. Now I''m going to disappear in front of your eyes to show you what you''re dealing with. This is not a trick. I am the new administrator of Hell and I have divine powers given to me by God. I''m not crazy and Hell is not a code name."

    I strapped the sword around my waist and cinched it tight.

    "I mean, I literally run Hell now. You would be wise to share your body cam footage with your superiors and get them to start cooperating with me in the future. I am not your enemy. I am here to help you. Now I''m going to go stop the antichrist whose name is Steve from destroying Reno like he did in Vegas. Bye!"

    I waved before snapping my fingers. I didn''t disappear. I snapped them again. Still nothing. I imagined teleporting to Reno, Nevada. Then I was in Reno, Nevada. Huh. Snapping didn''t do shit. Lucifer was full of shit. He didn''t have to snap to activate his powers. He just did that for fun. What a sneaky butthole. Oh well. I had bigger things to worry about. Like finding Steve in this huge, well, not huge, but large enough city to be hard to find someone in.

    Wait. He was probably on the news since he destroyed Vegas. I needed to find somewhere that was playing the news. One of those shop windows with a bunch of TVs playing the news would be great right about now, but those didn''t exist anymore. I don''t know if they ever existed. They might have just put those in movies as convenient plot devices.

    A sports bar would be my best bet. I could just change the channel to the news. I walked around looking at the many casinos, looking for just a regular bar, but everywhere I turned it was either a casino, a hotel that had a casino, or a "video game" parlor that was just another name for a place that had slot machines.

    Eventually, it occurred to me to GPS the closest bar on my phone. When I looked it up, it said it was a 20-minute walk. Ugh! Then it occurred to me I could probably just teleport there. I looked at the picture of the bar and imagined myself in front of it. Then I was.

    "Whoa! That''s really going to take some getting used to," I said, as people stared at the guy who just randomly appeared. Then they started clapping. Huh? What the hell? Oh wait, they probably thought I was a street magician. So I bowed before entering the bar. The name was Tony''s Super Cool Sports Bar.

    When I entered the bar, everyone looked at me like I didn''t belong. It was like literally everyone in here knew each other except me. I walked up to the bar.

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    The bartender looked alarmed to see me and then walked up and said, "I''m sorry buddy, but this is a member''s only bar. You gotta get outta here."

    What? I was started to get creeped out by how people were staring at me. Everyone in there was dressed real nice. They either had suits and ties or at least dress shirts and ties. Some of them were wearing sunglasses or hats at night. Those fancy fedora hats that you never saw anyone wear anymore because they were so old-fashioned. They looked like they were about to kick my ass or stab me, and then throw me out to bleed on the ground outside.

    "Look, man, the closest bar to this one is 3 miles away. I just want to see the news," I said. I knew I could teleport and be at the next bar in seconds, but this was an emergency and I knew they couldn''t do anything to me.

    "Pal, you got about 10 seconds to walk out of here or we''ll throw you out," he said, while washing a glass.

    "I''m not leaving," I said. "There isn''t a person in this bar who could throw me out either, so just change the channel to the news and turn it up, would you? It''s an emergency."

    "I''m sorry, pal. No can do," he said and put down the glass. He looked at someone behind me and nodded his head. Someone put his arms under my armpits and attempted to pick me up, but nothing happened. That was strange. Even with super strength, he should be able to pick me up, unless I got heavier somehow. Or maybe it was some kind of stonewall authority thing. Like I couldn''t be knocked over or picked up unless I allowed myself to be.

    I tried that. Allowing myself to be picked up. I imagined he could pick me up, and then he finally did. He was so surprised that he fell over and I fell on top of him. Then I tried to reengage the standing up with authority power and my body just rocketed back up to a standing position. It was really surreal. It happened so quickly, the guy behind me didn''t let go and he slammed his face into the back of my head and I heard something break.

    "Ah, fuck. Tony, I think he broke my nose. How does it look?" He said, walking around me and up to the bar.

    Tony, the bartender, looked at the guy and slapped him. "It looks terrible, but that''s not what I pay you for! I''m paying you to remove this wise guy and you ain''t doing it!"

    "In his defense, no one in this bar could remove me if I didn''t want to be. And spoiler alert, I don''t want to be. Actually, Tony, why don''t you remove me if you''re such a tough guy? Show your bouncer how it''s done," I said.

    I don''t know why I was defending the bouncer who attacked me, but it didn''t seem right the way Tony was treating him. I understood this was some sort of mob mafia situation, but you treat your employees with dignity and respect. You don''t slap them around when you''re angry things aren''t going your way.

    "How about I do this instead," Tony said, pulling a shotgun out from behind the bar and aiming it at me.

    "That''s probably not legal, considering I haven''t displayed any hostility, but I''ll allow it," I said, crossing my arms.

    "What, are you some kind of cop or something?" Tony said, still aiming the gun at me.

    "Not exactly, but I do have a level of authority that you''re not prepared to deal with. So how about we make a deal? If I can still stand after you blast me with that thing, you turn on the news and let me watch it? Is that a deal?" I put my hand out to shake his. I wasn''t entirely sure what I was doing, but this felt right.

    I don''t know if it was me or some new power I had, but Tony reluctantly shook my hand. "Alright. I''ll blast you and if you stand back up, I''ll let you watch the news. You''re not wearing a vest, are you?"

    I lifted up my shirt to display my rock hard chiseled abs. "Nope," I said. That was also weird. I was skinny. I didn''t have chiseled, well defined, rock hard abs. Huh. Another new perk, I guess.

    "Alright, sonny. Here I go, and here you go. Away I mean," Tony said, pulling the trigger.

    The shotgun blast was deafening. My enhanced hearing hated it. My ear rang and my ear drums screamed in protest. That feeling quickly went away, though. Apparently, I didn''t have invincible eardrums, but they seemed to heal or adjust quickly. I felt the pellets hit me in the stomach and fall to the ground. I checked my shirt in a panic. There weren''t any holes in it, were there? I couldn''t have anymore holes in my "Beans" shirt. Not now.

    Nope, nothing. I was good. I looked back up at Tony, whose jaw had dropped wide open. I slowly leaned forward and pressed up on his chin to close his mouth for him. "It''s not polite to stare," I said. "Now, how about that news?"

    The surrounding crowd erupted into yells and screams. Not because Tony had fired a gun in an enclosed space, but because I was still standing.

    "I don''t care what I said. I ain''t turning on the news for some scumbag who can take a few bullets," he said, pumping the shotgun, ejecting the spent shell, and loading a new one.

    I grabbed the end of the shotgun and pinched the barrel closed. Then I smacked it out of his hands. It clattered to the ground harmlessly. "Actually, you are," I said.

    It wasn''t a command. It was an observation. His hand had already grabbed the remote and was changing the channel to the news. Then he turned the volume up. He grabbed at his arm like it was betraying him, but there was nothing he could do. He had made the deal, so he had to deliver his end of the bargain. I knew it in my heart like I knew water was wet. It must have been part of the ability that allowed Lucifer to bargain for people''s souls. The contract was binding both ways.

    "How did you do that?" Tony asked.

    "You won''t believe me, but I''ll tell you anyway," I said. "I''m the new administrator of Hell. I''m Lucifer''s replacement."

    "No way. Prove it," Tony said, crossing his arms.

    "Ok. Make me an offer," I said, looking past him at the news.

    "Hi, Stan. I''m standing in front of a pile of rubble that was once a thriving a casino and hotel. It appears the man who decimated Las Vegas has made it here to Reno and is trying to do the same to our fair city. He goes by the name, "Steve." Nothing else is known about this man. The police cannot identify him. He doesn''t seem to exist, and yet we have footage of him shrugging off bullets and smacking away missiles like they''re nothing," the newscaster said.

    "He claims to only want to pleasure himself, but he is causing untold devastation across the city. However, he has never initiated an attack. He simply responds to attacks against him with such overwhelming force that entire city blocks are being destroyed by the wave of his hand. Physical power of this magnitude should not be possible, and yet we''re seeing it unfold right in front of us. This is Nancy Palamay, NBS 2 News. Stan, back to you in the studio."

    The TV abruptly turned off. Tony had turned it off. "Ok, you got to watch your little broadcast. I''m not done with you yet, though. You said you''re the new guy in charge of Hell. Now I believe in God and the Devil, so I don''t think it''s outside the realm of possibility, especially since I saw you bounce a shotgun blast off your abs, but how do you explain that? Did you kill Satan?"

    "Ok, good. You''re finally speaking my language," I said. "I don''t have the time to explain right now, but how about this? You treat me with hospitality and friendship, and I''ll tell you all about it. I''ll even take you to visit Hell if you want. Just to visit, of course."

    "Ok, deal. I''ll show you hospitality and friendship, including but not limited to free drinks, and you tell me how you can shrug off bullets," he said, grinning not in an evil way but not in a nice way, either. He shook my hand, and I felt something like electricity run through me into him and back into me.

    "Sounds good to me," I said.

    "Before you go, what''s so important that you can turn down free drinks?" Tony said, still grinning.

    "That guy on the news. Steve. I have to find him," I said.

    There was a rush of wind behind me that fluttered my shirt.

    "I heard you were looking for me?" A familiar voice said.

    I turned around to face Steve with a rather hostile look on his face. I guess our confrontation was going to come earlier than I expected. I tightened my fist, getting ready for a fight.

 Chapter 20: Steve, Steve, Steve

    "I heard you were looking for me," Steve said, again.

    "You heard that, huh?" I said. "You must have really good hearing."

    "I must," Steve said, emotionless.

    "I just want you to stop hurting people, man. Is that too much to ask?" I said.

    "Tell them to stop attacking me and I will. I understand that I''m causing a lot of destruction, but I can''t control my strength. Every time I try to defend myself, an explosion happens," he said, looking down at his hands.

    "How about this?" I said. "I''ll teach you a little bit about pleasuring yourself, and you promise to control your powers depending on the threat, of course." I put my hand out to shake.

    Steve kind of just looked at it and then at me and then at it and then at me again. "If you''re trying to attack me, you have to actually move your hand toward me."

    "No, Steve. I''m trying to shake your hand. It''s something people do when they greet each other but also when they''re agreeing to a deal," I said.

    "Oh. How am I supposed to promise to control my powers if I don''t know I can do that?" he said.

    "The deal will actually help you do that," I said. I winked at him and smiled. "Trust me."

    "Is there something wrong with your eye?" he said.

    "I have a lot to teach you about being a human, albeit a very powerful one. Now, do you want my help or not?" I said, still holding my hand out.

    "I suppose it couldn''t hurt to have help," he said. He grabbed my hand and looked at me. "Now, what do we do?"

    "Move your hand up and down gently, like this," I said, demonstrating the movement.

    He slowly shook my hand, and I felt a bit of magic flow through us. Good. Now, as long as I help up my end of the bargain, he would be able to control his powers. Now, I had to teach someone who was one day old how to pleasure himself. Where would I begin?

    "Steve. Have you eaten or drank anything yet?" I said.

    "No. What''s that?" he said.

    "It''s where you put stuff in your mouth and swallow it," I said.

    "What like this?" he said, grabbing one of those small square napkins they put under drinks off the pile and stuffed it in his mouth. He made a pained face as he tried to swallow it, but it was far too dry.

    "No! Stop that! Take that out!" I said.

    "Are you telling me what to¡ª" he coughed as the napkin began to choke him. I grabbed it out of his mouth without thinking and threw it on the ground.

    "Sometimes, Steve, it''s ok for people to tell you what to do. Especially if they''re trying to save your life, like I just did," I said.

    Steve looked at me with this guilty look on his face. "You saved my life? Oh, Dave, thank you!"

    "No problem, buddy. Just don''t put random things in your mouth anymore, ok?" I said, putting my arm around his shoulder. I was pretty sure he was invincible and that napkin wouldn''t have done any lasting harm to him, but if it got me on his good side, I wouldn''t say anything.

    I suddenly noticed how quiet it was in the bar. I looked around and saw the crowds of fedora wearing mobsters giving us a wide berth and staring at Steve like they''d seen a ghost. They must have seen the news broadcast. That or they saw him appear out of nowhere. Either one of those would have freaked me out a day ago.

    "Steve, you have got a lot to learn. Tony, can you make my friend a virgin Pi?a Colada?" I said. I didn''t want to give Steve alcohol when he was essentially mentally a child. He might not have to wait a full 21 years since he was essentially fully grown, but at least a few weeks or months would probably be wise. I didn''t want to instantly turn him into an alcoholic.

    Tony looked at Steve in fear and said, "He''s not going to destroy the bar and turn us all into paste, is he?"

    "Not if you get him a Pi?a Colada," I said.

    "Ok! Coming right up!" he said. "I sure hope I have the ingredients to make one." He said that mostly to himself.

    He started pulling things out of the fridge and moving things around. "Pineapple, pineapple. Where is that pineapple?" Tony walked toward the back and opened the door into the kitchen. He yelled, "Jerry! You still got that pineapple I told you to throw out?"

    "What do you think, Boss?" Jerry said.

    "Why I oughta kick your ass! Now is not the time for wise ass jokes! The guy from the news is here!" he said.

    "Tom Banks?" Jerry said.

    "No, not Tom Banks, you idiot! The guy who blew up Las Vegas!" Tony said.

    "Oh! Shit! Yeah, sure Boss, I got the pineapple. Don''t be mad I didn''t throw it out. I was going to, but I got distracted," he said.

    "I''m not mad. I''m glad you didn''t. Give it to me," Tony said. Jerry handed him a pineapple. "Now go to the store and get all the ingredients you need to make more Pi?a Coladas."

    "What, like right now? It''s 10 pm. Most grocery stores are closed," he said.

    "Then go to the one that isn''t! You can go to Shawlmart for all I care! Just get those ingredients! Actually, get the ingredients to make every fruity drink that exists!" Tony said.

    "You got it, Boss." Jerry left out the back. I heard a car start and peel out of the parking lot behind the bar.

    Tony came back and made a whole pitcher of Pi?a Coladas for Steve and then poured one out into a delicate glass and put a tiny umbrella and a straw in it, as well as a pineapple wedge on the side. I immediately took the umbrella and straw out. "Sorry, Tony, we don''t want him trying to eat those and choking on them, too."

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    I handed the drink to Steve and said, "Drink this. Don''t eat the glass. It''s just supposed to hold the liquid. And do it slow. It''s cold."

    "Drink it slow. Don''t eat the glass. Got it," Steve said and took a sip. "This is amazing!" Steve looked at the pineapple wedge. "Can I eat this?"

    "I''m glad you like it, Steve. Yes you can eat it but only the yellow part. Now Tony and I are going to talk for a minute. Can you hang out here by yourself for a moment?" I said.

    "Yes, Dave. I''m not a child," he said, like a child. He grabbed the pineapple wedge and put the whole thing in his mouth and chewed. I could hear him destroying even the outside part with his powerful teeth and jaw muscles. I guess that was fine, then.

    "Sure you''re not," I said, smiling. Then I grabbed Tony and dragged him farther down the bar.

    "Tony, relax. It''ll be fine," I said, trying to calm the old mob boss bartender down.

    "Sure, sure. Of course it is," Tony said, not convinced. He tried to act calm, though, which was exactly what I wanted him to do.

    "This is still good, right? What was wrong with the pineapple?" I said, concerned.

    "Oh, nothing. It was just a little dry, is all. He shouldn''t notice a thing. I''m just a bit of a perfectionist, if you know what I''m saying?" Tony said nervously. He didn''t seem like he was lying, though. Just nervous.

    "I''m starting to see that," I said. I leaned over to Tony and whispered, "Even though we''re not ''members'', I want you to treat this man real nice, because he could end us all in an instant. Possibly even me."

    "I see," he said. "So what is he? Like a demon or something? Why are his eyes glowing? And why does it sound like multiple people when he talks?"

    "No, nothing like that. He''s the antichrist. Well, he''s technically six antichrists sharing the same body right now," I said.

    "The antichrist?" Tony yelled.

    I put my hand over his mouth and said, "Not so loud. You could get us all killed, you moron."

    "Ok, ok, I''m cool," Tony said, clearly not being cool.

    "He''s harmless unless provoked," I said.

    "Ok, good. I can handle this. I just gotta make a quick announcement to the fellas. Is that alright?" Tony said, deferring to me.

    "Yes, that''s fine. As long as it''s nothing that will offend Steve," I said.

    "It shouldn''t," he said.

    "Good. Now go," I said, shooing him away.

    He hurried over to the crowded group of mobsters and yelled, "This is our new friend, Steve! You know, from the news broadcast about Las Vegas? He just wants to have a good time and everything will be alright. Just nobody be rough with him, alright?"

    "Yes, Boss," all of them said at the same time.

    "Oh, and that other guy is cool, too. I don''t know what his name is," Tony said.

    "It''s Dave!" I said.

    "Dave! Yeah, Dave, is cool, so don''t mess with him either," Tony said. "This is going to sound crazy, but apparently he''s invincible or something. I shot him and the bullets bounced off. Try to stab him if you don''t believe me! Just not Steve."

    "Yes, Boss," they said more enthusiastically. They grinned as they all pulled out knives of various makes and sizes.

    The mobsters then formed an orderly line and stabbed me one at a time. Every time, the knife would stop and not penetrate. One time a guy was using a rather thin knife, and it broke like he was trying to stab a concrete wall.

    "Hey, you broke my knife!" he complained.

    "I''m sorry, but you tried to stab me! I don''t have any money to reimburse you," I said, shrugging.

    "Yeah, I guess that''s true. I''m gonna go cry now cuz my favorite knife is broken," he said, leaving.

    The line of stabbings continued while I drank a virgin Pi?a Colada that I poured for myself out of the pitcher Tony made. It was actually really good. He was a talented bartender for someone who was clearly not a bartender and was actually a mob boss. I could see what he meant about the perfectionism though. He seemed like the kind of guy who went out of his way to be the best at everything.

    Once the boys had all stabbed me, they went back to what they were doing and started talking and drinking and having fun again. I went back over to Steve to see how he was doing. He was just finishing his first drink. He must have taken my advice about drinking slowly.

    "How are you doing, Steve?" I said, putting my hand on his shoulder again.

    "I''m great! This is fantastic! I''m experiencing so much pleasure and I didn''t have to kill anyone to do it. Can we do this all the time?" Steve said.

    "Something you''ll learn Steve, is that you can''t pleasure yourself all the time. You have to take breaks so you don''t go too far with it, and you also will realize that it''s pleasurable to pleasure others as well. Thinking about other people and not just yourself is one of the greatest joys life can bring," I said.

    "Is joy like pleasure?" He said, putting his glass down.

    "Joy is a form of pleasure, yes, Steve," I said.

    "Oh good! Then that sounds great! Can we do that too?" Steve said.

    "Yes, we can do that too, but we have to be patient. Things take time and work to set up, which can be unpleasurable. Sometimes we have to do unpleasurable things to get to do pleasurable things. Does that make sense, Steve?" I said.

    "Like how I had to hurt all those people to get you to make a fruity drink for me?" he asked, innocently.

    "Not exactly," I said, frowning. "What''s a good example? Oh, I know. Sometimes no one else is around to create pleasure for us, like Tony did. So sometimes we have to make our own fruity drinks, or pizza, or spaghetti, or whatever you want to eat or drink. Making those things can be unpleasurable, but they allow us to eat or drink them, when they''re done, which is a pleasurable thing," I said.

    "Do unpleasurable things always lead to pleasurable things?" Steve asked as he poured more Pi?a Colada into his glass.

    A bright flash of light shot through the windows and door of the bar. The windows were large and no one was standing around them so I could easily see outside. Four men on horseback were standing in the middle of the street. They were flanked by a familiar purple imp named Harvey. Uh oh. This looked like trouble.

    It was obvious who they were. They were the four horsemen of the apocalypse. Since the antichrist plot didn''t work out for him, Harvey must have figured out how to summon the four horsemen as a Plan B. I was hoping this one worked out for him as well as the last one. Meaning, not well at all.

    "No. They often don''t, but that leads to a much more complex discussion that it looks like we don''t have time for right now," I said.

    "Why not?" Steve said. Then his gaze followed mine. "Is it because of those people with that guy who tried to order me around earlier?"

    "Yes. It is," I said.

    "Why? What''s wrong with them?" Steve said. "Don''t they want to experience pleasure, too?"

    "They do. The only problem is that for them, the only thing that pleasures them is killing people," I said.

    "That''s awful!" Steve said. "I hated killing people. Think about all the future pleasure they lost out on!"

    "I know, Steve. I know. I feel the same way as you do," I said. "This is going to be your first lesson in doing unpleasurable things to get to pleasurable things. These men want to kill everyone on earth. If we let them, then there will be no one left alive. That means no more pleasure, Steve."

    "But if we stop them, pleasure gets to continue for everyone, including you and me. So what do you say, Steve? Are you willing to help me stop these people from pleasuring themselves with the lives of everyone on earth?"

    "Normally I''m not one for doing unpleasurable things, but the way these people derive pleasure disgusts me. I want to get rid of them. They don''t belong on this planet with everyone else who are just trying to have fun," he said.

    "That''s the spirit, Steve!" I said.

    The four horsemen and Harvey started walking toward the bar. They must have known we were inside. I couldn''t figure out how they knew until I spotted a Channel 2 news van outside the bar and the news lady from earlier talking into a camera. Oh crap, she led them right to us. I guess that was better than having them attack random people first. I''d try to remember to thank the news woman later, if there was a later.

    "Steve, let''s meet them outside. We don''t want our new friends in the bar to get hurt," I said. I walked outside the bar into the street.

    "Ok, Dave," Steve said, following me outside.

    Harvey flew up to us. "Well, well, well. Fancy meeting you here," he said.

    "Cut the shit, Harvey! You knew we were here," I said, crossing my arms.

    "Whoa! What''s with the hostility, Dave? We just came to kill you so you couldn''t stop the end of the world. Is that so wrong?" Harvey said.

    "Uh, yeah. It is," I said.

    "Well, too bad! Get ''em, boys!" Harvey pointed at me and Steve.

    The four horsemen approached.

 Chapter 21: The Four Horsemen

    The four horsemen loomed over Steve and me while Harvey floated off to the side with a look of sadistic anticipation on his face. Death was riding a pale horse, composed entirely of animated bones. He was wearing a long black cloak with the hood up, obscuring his face. Famine was a thin man wearing rags on top of an emaciated black horse.

    War was a very muscular man in intimidating red and black armor, riding a red horse and carrying a massive sword. On his back, he carried a wide array of different weapons from different cultures and time periods. One of them was even a gun, and another looked like a high-tech sci-fi blaster. His horse was massive and muscular like himself. Smoke came out of its nostrils when it breathed.

    Conquest/Pestilence was actually two men riding the same white horse. Conquest wore leather armor, carried a bow and quiver and had a crown upon his head. Pestilence was covered in grey rags similar to Famine, but he wasn''t thin and emaciated like Famine. Instead, his rags were wet with blood and other bodily fluids. Every bit of exposed skin had open sores on it. Flies surrounded him. The horse had a small crown on its head and was covered in sores.

    "Hey, what''s your deal?" I said to Conquest and Pestilence.

    "We''re not actually sure. The Bible says we''re supposed to be Conquest, but modern interpretations called us Pestilence. So we split into two beings," they said in eerie unison.

    "Wait, you were swayed by public opinion?" I said.

    "You say that like it''s a bad thing, but yes, that is basically what happened," they said.

    "I see," I said. "So, are we supposed to fight or something?"

    "Either now or later," a loud whisper came from Death.

    "Harvey said you''re the most powerful beings on earth. The most likely to stop us," Famine said, weakly.

    "So we figured we''d defeat you first," War said in a loud, boastful voice.

    "Well, did you figure this?" I said, drawing Azrael''s sword. The sword of Azrael, the Angel of Death.

    The horsemen looked at it in awe and fear. They recognized it and its significance. Harvey looked annoyed. "Get them already!" he said.

    The horsemen broke out of their stupor and attacked us. War started with a direct charge at me and a swipe of his massive red glowing sword. I rolled under it and came up, slicing into the back legs of War''s muscular red horse. It didn''t sever its legs. It merely tripped it, causing it to fall and launch War into the air. He smashed through a bar window and slammed into the back wall, breaking every bottle on the shelves.

    "Hey, this is my bar! Get the fuck out of my bar!" Tony said, pulling out his shotgun. He blasted War with shell after shell, but it barely dented his armor.

    War loomed at Tony through a thick metal helmet with red glowing eyes and said, "Do that again, and I''ll break your face."

    Tony put his hands up and dropped the gun, backing away slowly. War trudged out of the bar through the broken window, because he was too big to fit through the doors.

    Death''s horse trotted at me and Death leaned over with his skeletal hand and tried to slap me. I dodged out of the way. With him being Death and all, for all I knew, slapping me would instantly kill me. I had to be careful around these guys.

    Steve looked at Death and concentrated beams of white light shot out of his eyes. They hit Death in the chest, knocking him from his horse, and making him tumble on the ground like a pile of bones. Which, in a sense, he was.

    Famine rode at me right after Death and I couldn''t dodge out of the way in time. He picked me up and pulled my face close to his. He opened his mouth and sucked. I could feel the life force being drained from my body. He was essentially eating me. I could see my arms growing skinny and emaciated like him.

    Then something happened. My healing factor kicked in, and my life force kept feeding his body. He stopped looking emaciated and started gaining muscle. His back straightened up and his body healed and began to look normal. Then he started to gain weight until the horse couldn''t hold him anymore.

    The horse fell, and he tumbled off. He dropped me to the ground. I got up, and he tried to do the same, but he couldn''t get up. Then he started to lose the weight just as fast as he had gained it. He got up and started to look like his old, emaciated self again in moments.

    "They''re strong, but they''re protecting the civilians! That''s their weakness! Attack civilians and we can win!" Conquest said. He loaded three arrows onto his bow at once and shot them at people on the street.

    I tried to catch the arrows, but they dodged my grasp. They could change directions in mid-air. After dodging me, they hit three separate people and a white ethereal smoke extended from Conquest to the people. They began to run at me with white smokey eyes. He was controlling them. I defended myself, but I didn''t want to hurt them. They were innocent people.

    Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon.

    Conquest shot three more arrows at other bystanders and three more and three more until a small army had formed. They dog piled me and Steve and kept us pinned down. They weren''t going to kill us, but I realized that wasn''t their plan.

    "I have them pinned down! Let''s take the city boys!" Conquest yelled.

    The horsemen started to spread out in preparation to attack the city proper, but I couldn''t allow that. The only real power I could use in this position was teleportation. I imagined myself in front of the bar again, and then I was. I looked at all the people controlled by Conquest and imagined them falling into a fountain somewhere in Reno. They disappeared.

    Conquest must have felt himself lose control over the people, because he turned around. "Where did my minions go? What did you do?"

    "That''s not important right now," I said. I imagined Conquest at the top of Black Mountain and snapped my fingers. He disappeared. Black Mountain seemed like an appropriate place to have a showdown.

    Then I teleported Pestilence, War, Famine, and Death, who had since gotten back up off the ground. Then I teleported their horses, too. Who knows what kind of destruction they might be able to do on their own? Then, as an afterthought, I teleported Harvey.

    "Steve, we''re going out to Black Mountain so we can fight at our full strength. Are you ready?" I said.

    "I was born, uh, at full strength," he said.

    "You''re supposed to say ''ready''." I chuckled.

    "Oh yeah. I was born ready," he remembered. "Where''s Black Mountain?"

    "It''s somewhere in the desert. It''s an old dormant volcano," I said.

    "Sounds dangerous," he said.

    "It''s dormant. It''ll be fine," I said.

    Tony ran out of the front of the bar. "Go kick those wise guys'' asses! And come back, we''ll throw you a party for saving my bar."

    "Sure thing, Tony," I laughed.

    I imagined Steve and me on top of Black Mountain, and then we were there. The four horsemen¡ªwell, five horsemen¡ªwere getting back on their horses, and Harvey was still just flying off to the side.

    "Would you guys get off your horses? It''s really hard to fight like this. We''re not getting anywhere. Besides, if you can''t beat me and Steve without your horses, then do you really deserve to win? Also, I don''t want to have to kill your animals too," I said, frustrated.

    "I''m alright with that. I''ve been wanting to fight on the ground ever since I got thrown into that building," War said, getting down off his horse.

    "I suppose it couldn''t hurt. It is difficult to hit someone while on a horse," Death said, hopping down.

    "If everyone else is doing it, I''ll play along," Famine said, carefully getting off.

    "Stop! Don''t listen to him! He''s just trying to weaken us!" Conquest said.

    "I think you''re on your own, brother," Pestilence said, getting off the horse they shared.

    "Fine! If you fools are going to do it, I might as well jump off the bridge with you," Conquest said, jumping down. He landed nimbly in an archer''s pose before getting up.

    Conquest I noticed was the only normal looking one among them¡ªaside from the ridiculously small crown that wouldn''t fall off his head. Well, the healthiest and most normal looking among them. War looked healthy but not normal, with his massive muscular body and glowing red eyes that matched his glowing red sword.

    Next was Famine, who just looked like a man who really needed a sandwich. Then Pestilence, who looked like a really sick guy. Death was the strangest among them. He was just a walking skeleton. I wondered how his bones even moved and held together without muscle or ligaments.

    The answer was most likely magic. And if he was magic, then they probably all were. Which was bad news for me, since Lucifer said magic was one of the few things that could kill me.

    This was going to be a tough battle, and I was not looking forward to it, but it was always better to go forward than move back. I had to face this challenge head on if I wanted to have any chance of winning.

    Conquest started the battle by firing five arrows into the air that disappeared into the dark sky. He did this repeatedly. And he kept doing it without stopping. I didn''t know what he was doing, but it definitely wasn''t good.

    Pestilence followed his lead and barfed up a massive cloud of biting and stinging insects. Some of them flew and some of them just plopped onto the ground and began crawling toward us. There were wasps, hornets, bees, scorpions, and other insects that were too small to see in the light of the moon.

    "Steve, can you throw up a ball of light so we can see?" I said.

    "Sure, but I don''t know why you want me to do it like that," he said, vomiting a ball of bright light that floated over all of us, lighting up the battlefield.

    "I didn''t mean it like that, but ok," I said. "Thank you."

    "You are welcome, Dave," Steve said, wiping the spit off his lips.

    Pestilence kept vomiting insects continuously. I looked down and saw a living carpet of insects swarming toward me and Steve. There were fire ants and centipedes, and many other types of insects that I didn''t know how to classify.

    "Oh, shit!" I said, running away. I really wished I could fly in this moment. Then I realized I sort of could. It wouldn''t be exactly flying. It would more be like continuously falling without hitting the ground, but it would keep those insects away from me.

    War rushed at Steve, taking a swing at him with his massive sword. Steve summoned a sword of his own made of light. It reminded me of Raphael''s, but larger and brighter. Their blades clashed and sparks flew. They attacked and blocked in turn, but neither seemed to have an edge on the other.

    War was supposed to be a brilliant fighter who was an expert in all known weapons. I was surprised that Steve could keep up at first until I looked closer at his technique. Steve wasn''t expertly moving his sword with no wasted movement like War. He was swinging his sword wildly. He was just swinging it many times faster than War, allowing him to keep up with War''s efficiency of movement. Famine and Death just stood off to the side, not really knowing how to contribute without getting in the way.

    And then I felt insects crawling up my legs. "Ah! Get off!" I yelled in panic. I imagined myself high above Black Mountain in the air. When I teleported into the sky, I swiped the insects off my legs, but I lost sight of the ground. I didn''t know when I would hit, and I miscalculated how much time I had in the air.

    I dropped like a rock and smashed hard into the ground. My body crushed all the bugs underneath me and tossed up a ton of sand around me, pushing the surrounding bugs back. Then I had an idea. I teleported myself into the air again, but higher and dive bombed into the ground, crushing more insects.

    I did that repeatedly, but I realized more insects were still spawning from Pestilence''s mouth. Well, if I could squash bugs like this, I thought, maybe I could squash him this way as well.

 Chapter 22: The End of Conquest

    I started aiming at specific spots on the ground to see if I could reliably hit those spots as I fell out of the sky. I would only have a brief moment to do this before they retaliated. Right now, they just thought I was uselessly smashing bugs that continued to spawn from Pestilence. In reality, I was practicing my aim for when I eventually started targeting the horsemen themselves.

    Once I felt my aim was on point, I drew Azrael''s sword and pointed it in front of me. I aimed directly for Pestilence. I hit Pestilence at terminal velocity. The sword pierced his body, but my body squashed him into a mess of skin, bodily fluids, and limbs going in directions they shouldn''t. I got up and pulled my sword free.

    All the insects instantly stopped moving. I looked down at Pestilence''s crumpled and destroyed body with pity. I knew they were agents of the apocalypse, destined to bring destruction to the earth and everyone on it, but they were people, too. I didn''t like doing that to another person. But I had no time for remorse.

    "No! Pestilence!" Conquest screamed. He ran to Pestilence''s side and wept. He wiped away his tears and stood up, aiming his bow at me. "I will avenge you, brother."

    I ran at Conquest to engage him in close quarters combat. At a distance, he was dangerous, but up close, he was vulnerable. I swiped at him. He dodged and twisted away, creating a small amount of distance between us. In the moment that I wound up for another strike, Conquest loaded two arrows onto his bow and fired them.

    They pierced both my legs. I tried to run closer, but I no longer had control of my legs. He did. I stood still as he loaded two more arrows. I chucked Azrael''s sword at Conquest, hoping to hit him, but he deftly dodged out of the way and let his two arrows loose.

    They pierced my arms and took control of them, too. Now I couldn''t move my body at all, except to flex my sexy abs and move my head around. I could hear War and Steve''s battle continuing in the background. The loud clashes of War''s heavy metal sword against Steve''s light sword were deafening.

    Conquest confidently walked up to me, knowing I couldn''t move. He wielded his bow like a melee weapon and beat me with it. He hit me in the face, then the stomach, he even hit me in my no-no zone. The gall of this man. "You''re only delaying the inevitable. The world will be destroyed by us one day. Why do you care if it''s now or later?"

    I struggled against his control. "Because it isn''t supposed to be now."

    "Come on. You can come up with something better than that," he encouraged.

    "I don''t want humanity to die. Think about those people''s lives," I said unconvincingly.

    He tilted my head up with the end of his bow and looked deep into my eyes. It almost felt like we were about to make out. Then he started talking. "Tell me the real reason you fight so hard to save the world from our wrath? As I said, we are destined to destroy the world eventually. Why is now so important to you?"

    I let my head drop. "Because my ex-girlfriend lives on it. We''re still close. I can''t let you destroy the world with her still in it."

    Conquest spoke softly. "I see. You still harbor human attachments. How quaint. I myself had human attachments before I was chosen by destiny. Her name was Adelaide. She was my queen. I loved her very much. But destiny had other plans. I was away, conquering a nearby kingdom, when she became deathly ill."

    "I didn''t know. I had no way of knowing. They sent a messenger on horseback, but he was killed before he arrived to deliver his message. I continued conquering the kingdom until I ruled over the lands. When I returned, she was already gone. How I would have liked to spend her last days with her. But she was taken away from me."

    "And then, after I died, after I had conquered every kingdom that could feasibly be reached on horseback, an angel came to me. He said I had a purpose. My purpose was to bring about the end of the world. And if I did that, I would see my Adelaide in Heaven. Since then I have been stuck in Limbo wandering endlessly."

    "I want to go home. I want to see my wife. It''s been so long, I''ve forgotten her face. I don''t even remember what she looks like anymore. Please, whoever you are, please, give up, and let me see my wife once more."

    "My name is Dave. I am the administrator of Hell. And while that is a tragic story, I will not allow you to slaughter billions of people to reunite with the one you love," I snarled.

    "Billions? Billions? What do you mean, billions? There are billions of people on earth?" He said, shocked. His jaw dropped wide open and his eyes bugged out.

    "Yes. Why, what did you think it was?" I said.

    "Millions at most. I have to kill billions of people to see my love again? That is obscene! How dare that angel ask me to do such a thing!" He said. He fell to his knees. He stayed like that for a few minutes before standing back up. "No matter. I will kill whoever I need to get back to Adelaide. Starting with you, Dave."

    "Hold on. What was the name of this angel you spoke to?" Something about his story wasn''t adding up to me. Why would an angel promise he''d get to heaven by murdering people? That doesn''t sound very angelic, regardless of whether it was supposed to happen or not.

    "He said his name was Morningstar," Conquest said. "Why?"

    Oh no. That was Lucifer''s last name. Lucifer Morningstar. "You''ve been tricked by the Devil. Morningstar is short for Lucifer Morningstar. He''s the Devil. Or he was the Devil when he visited you. I bet you he was playing a trick."

    "When he said you would "see Adelaide in Heaven," he didn''t mean you were going to heaven too. He''d probably just show you an image of her in Heaven, and then torture your soul for all eternity."

    "That can''t be!" Conquest said. "It mustn''t!"

    "Didn''t you think it was weird that a demon was the one who woke you guys up?" I said, trying but failing to point at Harvey.

    Conquest got a confused look on his face. "That''s a demon? I thought he was just an ugly angel."

    "I am not an ugly angel!" Harvey yelled.

    "See?" I said.

    "Oh no. What have I done?" Conquest said. "Wait, a second. What did you say your job was, Dave?"

    "Administrator of Hell. Well, new administrator of Hell. Lucifer was the old one," I said.

    "How am I supposed to trust the administrator of Hell that he isn''t trying to trick me all over again? You Hellions may have tricked me once, but I won''t let you trick me again!" Conquest nocked an arrow on his bow and aimed it at my head.

    If you encounter this story on Amazon, note that it''s taken without permission from the author. Report it.

    "No, wait! I''m a good administrator of Hell! I''m not trying to lead anyone astray or anything like that. They just needed someone to watch over the demons and sinners already in hell to make sure they didn''t get up to anything bad. I swear!" I pleaded.

    I wasn''t pleading for my sake. I was pleading for his. I didn''t want to kill these guys if I didn''t have to.

    "A good administrator of Hell? Next you''ll tell me the tooth fairy is evil. That she''s stealing my teeth for some nefarious purpose," he scoffed.

    "Well¡­" I joked.

    "No! No more of your tricks! No more of your lies! I will kill you and then torture this one to find a way to see my Adelaide." He looked at Harvey.

    "What? Why me?" He said. When he saw Conquest wasn''t going to be convinced by the innocent act, he said, "I''m getting out of here!"

    Conquest shot him with an arrow. "You''re not going anywhere!"

    Harvey''s eyes showed white, and he didn''t move from his spot.

    "Now it''s your turn." Conquest aimed his bow at my head again.

    "You''re really not going to back down?" I said.

    "No. Not to you, Dave," Conquest said.

    "Ok," I sighed. I teleported Conquest thousands of feet into the air. I was really hoping I wouldn''t have to kill him, but there was nothing I could do.

    As he fell, I noticed a large gathering of coyotes coming over the ridgeline and into the crater on top of Black Mountain. They all had white eyes and arrows in them. I was alarmed at first until I remembered the control would probably vanish the moment Conquest hit the ground.

    I still couldn''t move, and the coyotes were getting closer. And closer. They ran at me with their teeth bared. Under normal circumstances, I wouldn''t be afraid, but these weren''t normal circumstances. Since they were under his control, they might do magic damage, which could actually kill me.

    The coyotes latched onto my arms and legs and began ripping and tearing at my flesh. They absolutely ruined the sleeves of my favorite shirt, but that wasn''t as bad as the knife wounds it had sustained last night. Hopefully, I could get that conjuring ability Lucifer had soon, so I could conjure a new one.

    I wondered what was taking Conquest so long to fall. How high had I thrown him? Then I remembered. Oh, right. I could throw myself, too. So I did. I teleported myself high into the air with the coyotes still attached, but they quickly lost their grip and fell off.

    I landed in a heap, but I was unharmed by the fall. The coyotes were what did damage to me. Then Conquest hit the ground seconds later. All the controlled coyotes fell limp.

    I got up and looked over at Conquest''s body. "I''m sorry. I wish I could have saved you from yourself. I suppose I''ll see you down below."

    I looked over at Famine, Death, and War¡ªwho was still fighting Steve. I casually teleported all of them high into the air as well. I didn''t want this to become my primary method of fighting, but it would be stupid not to use it now that I knew I could do it.

    Then I noticed Harvey trying to get away again. "Oh no, you don''t," I said, grabbing him by the head. "You''re staying with me."

    Death landed in a pile of bones. Famine was sucking up at the air as he came down, slowing his fall, so he landed safely on the ground. War had stabbed the air and was slicing through the fabric of space to slow his fall. He landed with a hard thud, but no worse for wear.

    I watched as the massive tear in space healed itself. I felt offended somehow that he had done that. It just looked wrong. Then Death slowly began to reassemble himself, until he looked like Death again, literally and figuratively. Well, I guess that didn''t work. I''d have to use other tactics.

    Famine seemed like the weakest at this moment, so I ran up to him. Death got in the way and tried to swipe at me. I dodged out of the way and cut him in half. I avoided touching any part of his body with mine and moved on to Famine.

    Famine opened his mouth wide and sucked me. He started pulling the life force from my body, but my body regenerated its life force just as quickly. By the time I got to him, he was big and buff again. He tried to grab the sword, but it burned his hands.

    He pulled them away in pain, and I used that opportunity to cut his head off. It plopped on the ground with a look of fear on its face. So much carnage. So much death. And all of it just to save the world.

    "No!" Steve yelled.

    I turned around and saw in slow motion Death''s hand flying toward my face. He must have ripped it off and thrown it at me. Then I felt Steve push me out of the way. The skeletal hand hit Steve. It passed through Steve, but it took a body with it.

    Similar to how the two halves of Steve''s body fell away from him when I cut him in half, another body fell away from him when Death''s hand hit him. Death had killed another Steve. Now there were only five of him left. I guess Death''s touch was an instant kill.

    Steve''s eyes filled with bright light and he said, "How dare you kill one of my brothers. Ahhh!!!" Steve screamed, light burst out of his body, and the ground cracked and shook.

    Cracks formed on the ground. The ground shuddered and dropped down. Large sections of earth fell away and plummeted below until a bright orange-red light made its way up out of the darkness. I looked down to see lava bubbling up far below us.

    More sections of ground fell away and dropped into the lava. Since I was pretty sure I couldn''t kill Death, no matter what I did to him, I saw an easy opportunity to get rid of him in the lava below. I took my sword and flipped his hand over the edge.

    Then I ran over to Death''s body that was starting to put itself back together and smacked it with the flat edge of the sword towards the ledge. He slid along the ground and scrambled to stop himself from going over the edge. His hand caught on the edge and he hung there.

    He looked up at me as I walked over. "Don''t do it," he pleaded.

    "I''m sorry, but you killed Steve. You just don''t do that," I said, using the sword to pry his hand off the edge of the cliff. He fell into the orange-red light below.

    "Noooo!!!!" he yelled as he fell. "Petunia!"

    What? Petunia? That must have been the person or maybe dog that he traded his soul for with Lucifer. Huh. Everyone had a different story, I guess.

    War tried kicking me from behind, but I dodged it just in time. "Who did you trade your soul for?" I said.

    "My son, Kevin. Morningstar said I''d see him in Heaven too. Just like he did with Conquest. Was it truly a trick?" He said. He sounded choked up, like he was crying, but I couldn''t see his face.

    "Yes. I''m afraid it was. Why do you still fight?" I said, as I rolled out of the way of another massive sword swipe.

    "I''m a warrior. I must be defeated in battle. I know you can do it. So just do it," he said.

    "If that is what you want," I said, looking at him. Then I looked over his shoulder and made a confused face. "What''s that?" I pointed.

    War turned his head to see what I was pointing at. "What? I see nothing."

    I pushed him as hard as I could. He tumbled over the edge, and I almost fell over with him, but I was able to stop myself in time.

    "Damn it! Not like this!" War said, his voice fading as he plunged into the lava.

    I looked around at the crumbling ground and noticed movement. Conquest''s body. It was getting up. Huh. I guess they were immortal. They couldn''t be killed permanently. I looked over at Pestilence and he was getting up, too. Then I looked at Famine, but he was still lying on the floor with his head chopped off. Maybe it took a while to activate.

    I teleported behind Conquest before he could get all the way back up and kicked him in the ass. He tumbled down the slope and into the lava below. "How dare you kick my buttocks!"

    "Sorry!" I said.

    Then I did the same to Pestilence. "Ow, my bum!" He said, falling off the cliff.

    "I bet you don''t know where you''re going!" I yelled.

    Then I teleported to Famine''s lifeless body. I grabbed his head and pulled his eyes open. "Hey, you. Before I drop you into a volcano, what did you trade your soul for?"

    His eyes focused on me and he said, "Pizza. Infinite pizza."

    "That tracks," I said, and threw his head over the edge. Then I did the same with his body.

    Still holding Harvey, I said, "You''re going in there too, buddy." Like a terrible person, I broke his wings with my hands and then threw him into the lava.

    "But my plans!" Harvey yelled.

    You may wonder why I threw them in the lava as a solution and you may not. You may think, the lava will kill them right? Wrong. It won''t kill them, but it will send them to some friends of mine, who might imprison them in the molten core of the earth for eternity.

    If I couldn''t kill them, and I couldn''t imprison them myself, better to give them to people who could. The ground trembled and shook, threatening to fall into the lava at any moment.

    I went back to Steve who was laying exhausted on the ground. I grabbed him and said, "Steve! We gotta go! This place is falling apart!"

    "I''m over here!" Steve''s voice said. It wasn''t coming from his body though. I looked up and saw Steve standing on the edge of the crater, in relative safety. Then I looked down and realized this was the body that Death had killed. Not Steve''s living body.

    "Oh," I said. "Right." I walked over to Steve, away from the danger zone. "So? What do you want to do next?"

    "You said something about eating? I assume I drank that ''fruity drink'' you gave me. Can we go eat something now?" He said with a smile.

    "You really are a simple guy, aren''t you?" I said, smiling with him.

    "Is that a bad thing?" he asked.

    "No. No, it''s not," I laughed. "How about pizza?"

    "I don''t know what that is, but anything sounds better than nothing right now," he said.

    And that''s what we did. We got pizza. And it was delicious.

 Chapter 23: Tonys Party

    We went back to Tony''s Super Cool Sports Bar after we had sufficiently fed ourselves. They threw us a party, and I gave Tony $10,000 towards fixing up the stuff that got broken in his bar. It wouldn''t pay for all the expensive booze that was destroyed, but it might pay for the window and the shelves.

    I had to teleport back to the Devil''s castle and open up his massive safe full of money and other valuables, because I didn''t have the whole amount on my person. Lucifer didn''t give me the combination, but it wasn''t hard to guess. I used the number of the beast, "666". For the safe it was actually, "6-6-6" but same thing.

    I didn''t look at anything else in the safe. I didn''t want to accidentally curse myself or get drawn into touching something I wasn''t supposed to. At least, not when I had a party to get back to. I would mess with cursed stuff and possessed items on my own time.

    I invited some other guests to join in the festivities. It felt right to invite everyone who had been part of this journey with me. Lucifer showed up in an appropriate jump scare. He appeared right in front of me as I was sitting on the toilet.

    "What the hell? Lucifer?" I said.

    "How else was I supposed to get here other than to teleport right to you? It''s not like you gave directions," he said. He stayed standing there, looking at me. "You pee sitting down?"

    "No," I said.

    "Ew, gross!" he said, still not leaving the stall.

    "Get out!" I said.

    "Ok, ok! Fine!" he said, opening the door. "Geez. Some people."

    When I got out of the restroom, Lucifer was chatting with Tony like they were old friends. I walked up to them. Tony looked at me. "You know this guy? He''s hilarious!"

    I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, I know him. Maybe a little too much."

    "What''s your name, buddy?" Tony asked, putting out his hand.

    Lucifer shook his hand. "Morningstar. Lucifer Morningstar."

    "Really? Did you know that''s the Devil''s name in the bible?" Tony said, looking nervous.

    "Yeah. That''s me," Lucifer said.

    "You''re the devil? You gotta be kidding, right?" Tony laughed nervously.

    "Of course I''m kidding," Lucifer said.

    "Oh good. You almost gave me a heart attack," Tony said, hand over his heart.

    "I only used to be the Devil. Dave''s the Devil now. Aren''t you buddy?" Lucifer said, putting his hand around my shoulder.

    "What?" Tony said.

    "He''s kidding. I''m the new administrator of Hell. Not the Devil," I said.

    "Oh, you''re no fun! I wanted to scare the pants off him!" Lucifer said.

    "I think he likes his pants where they are, Lucifer," I said.

    "Yeah, I need my pants!" Tony said, leaning over to whisper to me. "So you really are the Devil now, huh?"

    I leaned over to whisper back. "Yeah, I am, but don''t let him hear you. He gets a kick out of it."

    "Roger. Mum''s the word," Tony said.

    <hr>

    "So, how does this work? If I bargain my soul to you, do you just take it or do you have to wait until I die?" Tony said. He was getting a little deeper in his cups.

    "Tony, I''m not stealing your soul as a party trick!" I said.

    "Lucifer''s right. You are no fun!" Tony said.

    <hr>

    I was standing outside drinking my soda, looking up at the sky. It was a new day. The world was saved. I was the new Devil. Everything was right in the world, but I felt anxious. Like another shoe was about to drop.

    I was lost in my thoughts when the sky opened up and a brilliant light shone down in the middle of the night. It was brighter than the sun. Suddenly, it looked like daytime. My brain reminded me I should put on sunblock more often. That was a question. Did I still need to wear sunblock? Or did I just heal the damage?

    "Good job on saving the world, Dave." God said, his deep booming voice coming down from the Heavens.

    "Thanks, G," I said.

    "Don''t call me that," God said.

    "Ok, G," I said.

    "I said don''t call me that!" God said.

    "Alright, my Lord," I said.

    "Don''t call me that either. It sounds weird when you say it. Just call me God," He said.

    "Yes, God," I said.

    "That''s better. Now, I know this party is fun and all, but you should get down below. You wouldn''t want to miss this," He said.

    "Miss what?" I said.

    "The horsemen''s trial. With the Mole People," He said.

    "Oh! Right! I almost forgot! Thanks, G-God!" I said.

    "If I didn''t like you so much, I''d smite you," God laughed.

    I laughed along nervously, not sure if he was joking.

    "Don''t worry, Dave. I would never smite you. You are one of the good ones," he said.

    "What is that supposed to mean?" I said, a little indignant.

    "Oh, you know," He said.

    "No, I don''t know. Why don''t you explain it to me?" I said.

    "Well, Man was meant to live in Paradise, but then Eve and Adam ate the apple and Man fell, and now Man is prone to sin," He said.

    "Sounds like you think you''re better than us," I said, crossing my arms.

    "I am better than you. I''m God," He said.

    "Oh. Right." I uncrossed my arms.

    "See? You get it," God said.

    "Yeah, I do. I wish I didn''t. Sometimes I wish we could go back to before original sin and live in Paradise again," I said.

    "Well, I''m sorry, Dave. I can''t unring that bell. I didn''t ring it to begin with," God said.

    "Yeah, I know. Well, I should say bye to everyone before I leave. It was good talking to you, God," I said. I turned to go back into the bar.

    "Wait a second, Dave. I want to tell you something," He said.

    This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road. If you spot it on Amazon, please report it.

    I turned back around. "What''s that, God?"

    "You are not free of judgment just because you''re part of the family now. You have neither been damned nor saved. You still determine that for yourself every day. I don''t say that to scare you. I just want you to be careful. I only want what''s best for you," He said.

    "I understand. Thank you," I said. "If only you were around for my earlier years. I could''ve used the help."

    "I''m always there Dave. You just have to talk to me. I''m glad I finally got you back on the right track. You scared me for a while there," He said.

    "What do you mean, you got me back on the right track? This all started because of my bet with Lucifer," I said.

    "Who do you think allowed Lucifer to hear your boast that you could beat him in a bet?" He said.

    "That was you?" I said in amazement.

    "I am everywhere all the time, Dave. I am always watching and waiting for an opportunity to bring you back to me," He said, sounding choked up.

    "Are you crying?" I said.

    It began to rain on the bar. I could see that the rain stopped a hundred feet away from the door.

    "No! You''re crying!" He said, clearly crying.

    "Don''t cry, God. I''ll be fine," I said.

    "I wish I could be so sure. The problem with being me is that I can see all possibilities all the time, and nothing is ever certain," He said, blowing his nose on a holy tissue. I assumed.

    "God. I''ll be fine. I promise. And I keep my promises," I said.

    "Like you promised to pay back your gambling debts?" He said.

    "Shit! I still need to do that! I''ll get right on it. I promise! Now, I really do have to go! Pee! I need to go pee!" I rushed back into the bar. I really had to go pee, but I also wanted out of that conversation.

    God knew me better than I knew myself. All my achievements. All my transgressions. All my deeds, good and bad. It was hard having that reflected back on you with no filter or sugarcoating.

    I used the restroom, of course, but I''m only mentioning, so you don''t think I didn''t do it. I washed my hands too, but I didn''t dry them. I walked up to Lucifer. He was easy to spot. He was the tallest person in the room.

    I slapped him with my wet hand. "Slap-Five! Don''t you just hate it when you pee on your hands?"

    "Ew, gross!" Lucifer said.

    "It''s just water," I said.

    "Still," Lucifer said.

    "So how''s the party?" I said.

    "Pretty good. Sarah got here a little while ago," Lucifer said.

    "Sarah''s here?" I said, looking around.

    "Uh, yeah. You invited her didn''t you?" He said.

    "Yeah, but how did she even get here? I was actually going to pick her up at her mom''s house," I said.

    "I brought her, of course!" he said.

    "Of course you did," I said. "I can''t tell if you care about my relationships with other people or if you just like watching drama."

    "Yes?" Lucifer said, taking a sip of beer.

    "Does that even do anything for you?" I said, looking at the beer.

    "No. I just like the taste," he said.

    "Oh. I guess that''s fair. I always liked the taste of beer. I tried that non-alcoholic stuff for a while, but it made me miss real beer too much and I ended up just drinking the real stuff. So I''m staying away from beer, alcoholic or not," I said.

    "Good for you," Lucifer said.

    "Well, I''m going to look for Sarah," I said.

    "Good luck," Lucifer said.

    "Thanks," I said as I weaved between people, trying to get to the bar. When I got there, I saw Tony. "Hey, Tony. I''m trying to find someone in this crowded bar. Can I stand on the bar to find them?"

    "If it was anyone else, I''d shoot them just for asking that," Tony said.

    "But you won''t because it''s me, right?" I said.

    "Correct," he said, waiting. "Go on!"

    "Ok!" I said, getting up on the bar. I looked out at the bar patrons. Everyone looked at me, standing on the bar. "Sarah!" I yelled.

    "Dave!" I heard her voice, and then I spotted her. She made her way over to the bar. I got down off the bar and she slapped me.

    "Ow! What was that for?" I said, holding my face.

    "Are you drunk?" she said accusingly.

    "No. Are you?" I said, still holding my cheek.

    "No, but that''s not the point. If you''re not drunk, why did you stand up on the bar? No sober person stands on a bar." She said with a grumpy look on her face.

    "I swear I''m sober! I just heard you were here, and I needed to find you. It seemed like the quickest way," I said.

    "Oh. I guess that makes sense, but you still shouldn''t stand on a bar. It''s disrespectful," she said.

    "Thank you! See, you could learn a thing or two from this young lady," Tony said.

    "Thank you, good sir," Sarah said.

    "What are you in the middle ages now?" I said.

    "No. Now what did you want to talk about?" she said.

    "I thought Lucifer said you had something to say to me," I said.

    "Oh yeah! I do," she said.

    "So what is it?" I asked.

    "I killed you," she said, breathing a sigh of relief. "You have no idea what a relief it is to get that off my chest."

    "You did what now?" I said, my mouth hanging open.

    "I killed you. You know, so you would win the bet," she said.

    "Oh. Well, I guess, thank you for killing me then?" I said.

    "This conversation is too weird and confusing for me," Tony said, walking away.

    "How?" I said, ignoring Tony.

    "Your medication. I poisoned your medication," she said.

    "With what?" I said.

    "Does it matter?" she said.

    "I guess not," I said.

    "Look, I did it while I was mind controlled, ok? It''s all a bit jumbled up there. Like, if you said the poison, I might remember it, but that''s it," she said.

    "I''m not going to sit here listing out poisons for you to eventually remember it," I said.

    "Which is why I asked if it mattered," she said.

    "Right, that makes sense," I said. I paused. "Do you want to watch Lilith do a keg stand?"

    "Sure!" she said, and we went looking for Lilith.

    <hr>

    I got lost after the keg stand. Too many people rushed in to congratulate her that Sarah got lost in the crowd. I went looking for her, but I somehow ended up at the front door. Just then, Keir walked in. He had some paperwork in his hands.

    "Just the man I was looking for." Keir handed me some paperwork. "You''ve been served. You are required to show up in court in four hours at the behest of Judge Tim of the Mole People. You know Judge Tim, right?"

    "I do," I said. "Four hours, huh? I can still hang out here for a while then, right?"

    "I suppose," Keir said.

    "Good. There''s someone I want you to meet," I said. I took him over to meet Lilith who was still a little tipsy.

    "Ooo, who is this devilish man? Friend of yours?" Lilith said.

    "We''re more like colleagues, but I really wanted you two to meet," I said, smiling devilishly.

    "Oh yeah? Why is that?" Keir said, narrowing his eyes at me.

    "No reason. I just thought you two would get along," I said innocently.

    "We''ll get along if he does shots with me," Lilith said. "Barkeep! Six Devil''s Donuts please!"

    "I don''t know what that is," Tony said, confused.

    Raphael walked up. "I do know what those are. May I?" Raphael gestured at the bar.

    Tony backed away and said, "It''s all yours."

    Raphael disappeared and reappeared behind the bar. "Come here. I''ll show you how it''s done. I''ll show you the dirty way and then I''ll show you the human way."

    "Count me in!" Tony said. "Who said an old dog can''t learn new tricks?"

    "The dirty way is you do this, then this, then sprinkle a little angel magic on it, shake it, stir it, then voil¨¤!" Raphael poured six shots all with a floating red viscous liquid donut in the center.

    "How am I supposed to do that? You literally said you used magic," Tony said.

    "I know. I just did that to impress you. That''s why I''m going to show you the human way. Do you have an espresso machine?" Raphael said.

    "I do," Tony said.

    "Good!" Raphael said, gesturing for Tony to lead the way. "I''ll follow you."

    Tony and Raphael disappeared to another section of the bar.

    "So, who are you and what are you?" Lilith asked Keir.

    "My name is Keir. I work for Heaven as a negotiator of sorts, and I am half-demon, half-angel," he said, looking a little nervous.

    "Ooo, sexy. I like it. All of it. My name is Lilith. I''m a middle upper management human turned demon. Don''t ask me how that works. I don''t know. I prefer to be called a demon queen, but that''s not how Hell runs anymore." She said, smiling with her razor-sharp teeth prominently displayed.

    Keir smiled back with his own razor-sharp teeth.

    "Would you care to join me in a round of shots, Keir?" Lilith asked.

    "I think I would," Keir said, loosening his tie.

    "It''s three shots each. The last one done has to wear an article of clothing from the other person, on their head. Deal?" Lilith put her hand out.

    Keir shook on it. "Deal."

    Lilith gestured to the poured shots. "Grab your first."

    Keir and Lilith grabbed their first shots. Lilith clinked her tiny glass against his. "Bottoms up! You better not puss out on me, Keir!" Lilith said to Keir.

    "I won''t!" he said, taking his first shot at the same time as her and slamming down his glass at the same time as her.

    <hr>

    I feel like it''s needless to say, but Keir lost the bet. She made him wear her bra on his head for three hours. She let him take it off later - I know this because when they came out of the bathroom an hour later, Keir wasn''t wearing her bra on his head anymore.

    He did, however, have her black lipstick smeared all over his mouth, face, and neck. I didn''t tell him, mostly because I didn''t want to ruin his moment. The man had done something I wasn''t sure he could pull off.

    I was betting on it, literally, but I wasn''t sure he could do it. I bet Lucifer that Keir and Lilith would hook up by the end of the night, and Lucifer took the bait. I mean, bet. If I won the bet, Lucifer would get me a real life four-leaf clover. If he won the bet, well, let''s just say he didn''t win the bet and leave it at that.

    <hr>

    Shortly after Lilith and Keir left the bathroom, Tony came up to Lucifer and me and said, "Guys, the bathroom is on fire."

    "That tracks," I said, nodding.

    "Yeah, that makes sense," Lucifer said.

    "Can someone put it out?" Tony asked.

    "Lucifer?" I asked.

    "Yeah, I''ll do it." Lucifer said.

    Lucifer went into the bathroom and snapped his fingers a few times and came back out. Tony walked into the bathroom, stayed in there for multiple minutes, then came back out.

    "Why is everything marble and granite now? I''m not complaining, but why?" Tony asked.

    "It looks nicer now, right?" Lucifer asked.

    "Yes, it does, but do we really need marble toilets? Is that necessary?" Tony asked.

    Lucifer looked at me and I looked at Lucifer, and we ran in different directions.

    "Guys?" Tony said.

    <hr>

    I left the bar completely sober with Steve by my side. It seemed like I was his guardian now. He needed one. He was, by most definitions, a grown man, but he could not take care of himself. He would be crashing with me at the administrator''s castle for a while until I could get him on his feet.

    We teleported to the Last Temptation casino in Las Vegas. I expected the building to be destroyed, but it was one of the few left standing. We went inside to visit Mephistopheles and use his subterranean elevator.

 Chapter 24: The Trial

    When the doors opened to Mephistopheles'' office, Steve and I were greeted by Mephistopheles and Lucifer. I was surprised to see him here, but I figured he just forgot to say something to me at the party.

    "Lucifer, how can I help you?" I asked.

    "I''m going to need that sword you''re wearing on your hip there," Lucifer said, pointing at Azrael''s sword.

    "But I need it to save the world and stuff. Also, it makes a cool crackling sound when I swing it," I said.

    "That is true, but the Crown of Corruption and your other abilities should allow you to serve that purpose adequately. It is Azrael''s sword and as such, he should have it back," Lucifer said.

    "But I needed the sword in the fight against the four or five horsemen. Doesn''t that prove that I need to keep it?" I said.

    "You''ll just have to learn how to survive without it. Steve proved useful in the fight. Maybe you could turn him into a sword," Lucifer said.

    "While that sounds hilarious, I doubt Steve has the ability to turn into a sword," I said, looking at Steve, who wasn''t there anymore.

    He disappeared. And then I looked down. Lying on the floor was a sword made entirely of solidified white light. It was massive. It was more like a claymore or a great sword than a standard sword. "Steve? Is that you?" I said.

    "Yeah. I wanted to see if I could do it. Try waving me around," he said.

    "Uh, ok," I said, picking up Steve the sword.

    I swung the sword a few times. It felt good in my hands. It had heft to it, but nothing overwhelming or too heavy for me to handle. It made a satisfying "Woom" sound every time I swung it.

    Although, it did just sound like Steve was making the sound with his mouth rather than it coming from the sword''s interaction with the air. It sounded so similar to the sword sounds of a popular piece of media that I could probably get sued for copyright infringement, but I didn''t care. It was awesome!

    But I had to let it go. I couldn''t make Steve stay in this form. It felt cruel. "While I greatly appreciate the effort and you make an excellent sword, I can''t have you stay in this form all the time. It feels demeaning."

    "Not to me!" Steve said.

    "Eh, I don''t like it," I said.

    "Would you rather see me standing beside you?" Steve said.

    "Yeah, I would," I said.

    "Well, I can do both," Steve said. I don''t know how to describe this well, but Steve came out of the sword. His arm just sprung out of it, then his head and chest, and then his legs, until he was standing next to me while I held a wicked cool sword.

    "How did you do that?" I asked.

    "Well, there are technically five of me left. One of them stays as a sword¡ªwhich I''ll add he really enjoys¡ªand the rest of me stands beside you. I could split into more of me, but one feels like enough for now."

    "I see," I said. "And you''re saying he likes being a sword. The one I''m holding right now."

    "Yes. Quite a lot, actually. He says he likes the feeling of the wind whooshing around him when you swing him," Steve said.

    "Well, what about when he''s sheathed?" I asked.

    "Try it and I''ll tell you what he says," Steve replied.

    I removed Azrael''s sword from the sheath and handed it to Lucifer, and then put sword Steve into the sheath.

    "He says it''s nice and cozy in there. He likes it. Kind of like a weighted blanket," he said.

    "Nice. Wait, how do you know what a weighted blanket is?" I said.

    "Commercials. I saw a bunch of them before I accidentally destroyed most of Vegas," he said.

    "I see," I said. "Well, I''m good with this if you are."

    "I am, and he is," Steve said.

    "Well, it looks like that''s settled," Lucifer said. "Azrael gets his sword back, and you don''t have to worry about dropping a sword that melts through concrete and accidentally chopping Jon''s other leg off."

    "How did he lose it in the first place?" I asked.

    "I don''t know. He''s always losing that thing. It ends up in the weirdest places, too. One time it got stuck at an angle in a stone and some kid had to pull it out. And then he became the king of England. It was strange."

    "Are you talking about King Arthur?" I asked.

    "Oh, you know him?" Lucifer asked.

    "Um, I mean, pretty much everyone does," I said, scratching my head.

    "Great. That''s just great. Azrael should really get in trouble one of these days for doing this so many times, but father always forgives him. You know, father. Always forgiving everybody," Lucifer said, exasperated.

    This content has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

    "Right. He is always doing that. I should really be going though. The Mole People summoned me and Steve as witnesses for the trial of the four or five horsemen," I said.

    "Before you go, here''s your four-leaf clover," Lucifer said, handing me a laminated four-leaf clover.

    "Why is it laminated?" I asked.

    "You don''t want it to break before you use it," Lucifer said, tapping his temple.

    "That''s smart, but what do you mean by use it? Doesn''t it just give me ambient good luck?"

    "That''s a common misconception," he said. "Four-leaf clovers have a shelf life. You can either use the good luck little by little over a long period, or you can use it all at once. Personally, with your karmic rebalancing ability, I''d use it all at once for something big."

    "Good to know. Thanks. We''ll see what ends up happening, I guess," I said, looking at the clover. It was a pretty little thing. "Is it activated passively or actively? Like, do I have to think about using it?"

    "It works either way," Lucifer said. "Just depends on how you want to use it."

    "Cool. Alright. Now I think I''m actually ready to go," I said, putting the clover in my pocket.

    "Ok. Well, good luck," Lucifer said. "I''ll see you around, I guess."

    "Yeah, I guess so," I said, walking past him.

    It was hard knowing I probably wouldn''t see Lucifer again for a long time. We''d been through a lot together and with the aid of a time pocket, we had known each other for a very long time. Roughly 10 years, by my calculations.

    Raphael and I were the reason he was back in his old position and that he was a relatively normal, functioning person. He had been so damaged by his father''s perceived betrayal, and the millennia he spent in Hell.

    It was hard to imagine my life without him by my side, constantly bickering and belittling me. You could argue he was a thorn in my side, but I would argue he was a welcome one. The wound created by this parting wouldn''t heal for a long time. A single tear ran down my cheek that I quickly wiped away.

    "Mephistopheles. If you could ready the subterranean elevator."

    "You can just call me Meph, Dave. Now that you''re the new Devil and all," Mephistopheles said, getting out his key ring.

    "Ok, Meph. You know, I''m technically not even classified as a devil, right?" I said.

    "I know, but the ruler of Hell has been called the Devil so long that it just feels fitting," he said, picking out the right key.

    "I suppose that''s fair, but just know I don''t love that title," I said.

    "Yes, sir, Mr Devil, sir," Meph said, smiling devilishly.

    "Your antagonism is noted. You shall be dealt with appropriately when the time comes," I said, smiling devilishly back.

    Meph slid the bookcase back, revealing the elevator. Then he pressed the button to call the elevator, and it immediately opened. "You know I was just kidding, right?"

    I stepped into the elevator and turned around. Steve followed suit. "You know I was just kidding too, right?" I said, still smiling as I pressed the button for the sub-basement.

    "Of course," Meph laughed nervously as the elevator door closed.

    When the door was closed, I said, "Steve, get ready to jump onto the ceiling."

    "What? Uh, ok," he said.

    The elevator sped down, picking up speed rapidly. I jumped and did a half flip onto the ceiling. Steve tried to do the same, but he landed on his knees by accident.

    "When the elevator slows down, we''ll drift down to the ground. Do another half flip when that happens but slower," I said.

    "Ok," Steve said.

    He did a better job of the slow flip when we slowed down, but he still landed on one knee. We were both standing when the elevator opened. Jonathan, or Jon, was standing there waiting for us.

    "Good evening, gentlemen. My name is Jonathan, but you may call me Jon. I am here to escort you to the courthouse forthwith," Jon said.

    "Yes, sir, Jonathan, sir," I said. "This is my friend Steve. I am acting as his mentor at the moment, since he is technically one day old at this point."

    "Surface dwellers sure do grow up quick!" Jon said. "It''s a pleasure to meet you, Steve."

    "It''s a pleasure to meet you as well, small furry man," Steve said.

    "I am not a man! I am a Mole Man. There is a difference," Jon said, a little upset.

    "I am sorry. It''s a pleasure to meet you, Mole Man, Jonathan," Steve said.

    "That''s better," Jon said. "Now let us make haste to the courthouse!"

    "Yes, let''s do that," I said.

    We arrived at the courthouse in record time. When we walked into the courtroom, the five horsemen and Harvey were sitting at a table with their appointed lawyer, Bartholomew, or Bart. Jon directed us to sit in the gallery until called upon, so that''s what we did.

    A small murmur went through the crowd upon seeing my face again. Judge Tim banged his gavel. "Order! Order! I will have order in this courtroom!" Everyone quieted down. "Thank you."

    The case proceeded similarly to my own. The charges were laid out against the five horsemen and Harvey. They were extensive, but they included "attempted apocalypse," "non consensual mind control," "possessing an illegally large weapon," "attempted cannibalism," "criminal negligence in handling deadly disease," and "killing people when they touch you."

    Bart tried to do the same thing he had with me, plead guilty for a lighter sentence, but the horsemen and Harvey weren''t having it. They decided to represent themselves, which was the first in a series of mistakes they made.

    Another mistake was not covering your mouth when coughing or sneezing. "Add another count of criminal negligence to the list," Judge Tim said after Pestilence sneezed for the third time without covering his mouth or nose.

    The trial did not go well for them at all. Conquest made a fool of himself on the stand. He kept talking about how many people he''s killed and towns he''s conquered. War broke every chair he sat in, so he was asked to kneel for the rest of the proceedings. Pestilence got 92 counts of criminal negligence for sneezing and not covering his mouth.

    Famine was held in contempt of court for asking when lunch was too many times. And Death was Death. Nothing seemed to go well for him. I found out later that he''d accidentally killed three people before they had to put him in a hazmat suit to protect others from his death touch.

    Eventually, they did the same for Pestilence. You''d think they''d do it before he got 92 counts of criminal negligence, but it wasn''t my court. I wasn''t going to question how Tim ran it.

    None of them took being on the stand seriously. They had to bring out the truth machine to get them to confess to their crimes, but the list was so long that Tim had to pause the trial for meal breaks and even for people to go home and sleep.

    After three whole days, we had finished hearing Conquest''s confession. We spent the next four days listening to the confessions of the other four horsemen and Harvey. I asked Judge Tim if I could get a recording of Harvey''s confession. It contained a long list of co-conspirators that I would need to deal with back in Hell.

    Steve and I spent very little time on the stand compared to the five horsemen and Harvey. Our testimony wasn''t even that difficult. They just asked us if they attacked us or innocents within our view. The answer was yes most of the time. When it was all said and done, Judge Tim sentenced them to 10,000 years in the molten core of the earth. The horses were allowed to go free.

    Steve and I watched the horsemen and Harvey get dunked in the core, and then Judge Tim invited us to lunch. We graciously accepted and spent an hour and a half discussing the trial. There wasn''t a lot to discuss compared to how long it was.

    The lunch consisted of tubers and roots, mostly. They were well prepared, so I enjoyed it, but I wasn''t very hungry. I''d just sat through the longest trial of my life. That said, trials topside had a tendency to last years, so I guess it could have been worse.

 Chapter 25: Dealing With the Cops

    When we were topside again, I teleported Steve and me to my apartment, which was covered in crime scene tape. He didn''t seem to be able to teleport himself. My phone began to blow up with calls from various police departments and news channels.

    How they got my phone number in the first place I didn''t know. I answered the phone for the Las Vegas police first, because they had been the chillest with me in the past.

    "This is Dave. Leave a message after the beep. Beep," I said.

    "Oh, uh, Dave, this is the Las Vegas police calling. Please call us back when you get this message," a nervous police officer said.

    "Hey! This isn''t actually a voicemail. I was just kidding!" I said.

    "Whoa! Ah! Ok. I see. Do you have a moment to come by and sit down with us? We just have a few questions. This is Officer Drew, from before, when I pulled you over? I gave you a ride to a sperm bank?" Officer Drew said.

    "Oh, hi, Officer Drew. Yeah, I remember. I made sure to get some extra sperm from the bank just for you," I said.

    "Oh. Really?" he asked.

    "No, I was just kidding again," I said.

    "Oh, good, because that would have been gross," he said.

    "That''s why it was a joke," I said.

    "Right. Well, if you could drop by sometime today, that would be great," he said.

    "Does now work?" I asked.

    "What do you mean by now? Like in 15 or 30 minutes? How long is it going to take you to get here? Especially considering you don''t have a crazy contraption of a car anymore," he said.

    "About thirty seconds. I just have to tell my friend I''m leaving," I said.

    "Oh. Ok. I don''t pretend to understand how you''re going to accomplish that, but we''ll see you when you get here. Here being the Las Vegas Police Department. Which is somehow still standing," he said.

    "Right. Alright I''m hanging up now," I said.

    "You do that," he said as I hung up.

    I turned to Steve, who was waiting patiently on the couch.

    "Hey Steve. So I have to go to the Police Department and talk some things out with the boys. Are you good to hang out here?" I said.

    "Yeah. Do you have anything to do?" he said.

    "Yeah, you can watch TV. Here I''ll turn it on for you," I said, turning on the TV to a channel that played mostly cop procedurals.

    "Oh, cool! Alright. I''ll wait here until you return," Steve said. "You''re still taking ''sword me'' with you right?"

    "Yes," I laughed.

    "Ok," he said, turning his attention to the TV. He laughed. "That''s hilarious!"

    I looked at the TV, and the cops were just examining a dead body. Huh. I guess we all find different things funny. I teleported to just outside the Las Vegas Police Department and walked inside.

    "You really did mean thirty seconds. Wow. Ok. Come with me. We have a lot to discuss," he said.

    "Before we start, I have to say go easy on the cuffs. They chafe my wrists. And my safe word is ''banana,''" I said.

    "Don''t worry. We won''t be putting any cuffs on you. From what I''ve heard, that doesn''t work on you," he said.

    "You''re right. It doesn''t. I just break them accidentally," I said.

    "Sounds like a nice problem to have," he laughed.

    "You can say that, but I wouldn''t. I just want to get along. I don''t want to look like I''m constantly resisting arrest," I said.

    "From what I''ve heard, you have, in fact, resisted arrest a couple times," he said as we walked into an interrogation room.

    I figured it was standard procedure. I''d seen people talk to police in their offices before on TV, but I wasn''t entirely sure what circumstances dictated which room you got to talk to the police in.

    "Yeah, once. One of those times, I was just resisting being shot to death by a trigger-happy detective," I said.

    "I don''t know the full circumstances of the incident, so I''ll take your word for it," he said.

    We both sat down in uncomfortable aluminum chairs with a table between us. It was a mostly empty room with fluorescent lights and a one-way mirror on one wall. He laid down a folder with some papers in it. I knew he couldn''t do anything serious to me, so I grabbed the folder and pulled it over to me.

    I opened it and started flipping through it. It had pictures of me in various places doing various things. In one of them I was picking my nose, but I was pretty sure that was photoshopped.

    "Hey! You can''t do that!" he said, trying to grab the folder back.

    If you stumble upon this tale on Amazon, it''s taken without the author''s consent. Report it.

    I gently put my hand on the folder, and he couldn''t take it from me. What felt like the tiniest pressure to me was insurmountable to him.

    "I can''t?" I raised an eyebrow. "Do you want an open, friendly, and transparent discussion with me, or do you want to keep secrets and be antagonistic? The choice is yours." I took my hand off the folder.

    He looked at me, then at the folder, then at me again, and took his hand off the folder. He sat back down and fixed his shirt, which had become wrinkled.

    "Since you are not currently being charged with anything and as a show of good faith, I will allow you to peruse the file we have on you, but know that we don''t normally allow this," he said.

    "I understand. These are extraordinary circumstances. I did just save the world from complete and utter destruction," I said. "Well, not just, I guess. I saved it a week ago, but you know what I mean."

    "I think I do, but elaborate," Drew said.

    "Ok. Before I start, I understand there will be a burden of proof placed on me due to the unbelievable nature of what I''m about to tell you. I''d like to get that out of the way first. Do you have anything really difficult to bend or break that I can use to prove my strength?" I said.

    "Hmm. Would a coffee mug work?" he said.

    "It better not be something you like. I''m not going to destroy your ''#1 Dad'' mug. That''s horrific," I said.

    "Ok, what about a rock from outside?" he asked.

    "Sure," I said.

    Officer Drew looked at the one-way mirror and said, "Can someone get a rock?"

    We heard some shuffling, and then a voice came over a speaker. "Yes. Hold on."

    "They better not bring in that wrestler turned actor, or I''m going to lose my shit," I said.

    "They wouldn''t do that. That would be ridiculous," he said.

    The door opened, and someone came in, placed something on the table, and left. I examined the object. It was a granite plaque that said, "Employee of the Year - Janet Meyer."

    "What did I just say? I''m not destroying someone''s achievement. I''m not crushing Janet''s granite," I said.

    The same voice came over the speaker. "Don''t worry. She has twenty of those."

    "She has twenty Employee of the Year awards? I''d like to meet this person. She sounds amazing," I said. "Still, though, I''m not breaking this. That''s just messed up."

    "Fine," the voice said.

    A minute later, the same person walked in as before and put a fist sized rock on the table.

    I picked it up and rolled it in my hands. "Now, this is what I''m talking about. This I can work with." I held the rock in my right hand. "Make sure you get this on camera."

    I slowly squeezed the rock harder and harder until cracks began to form on the surface. Then it began to break apart until it crumbled into pieces in my hand.

    "See? I just did something no normal human can do. Especially not someone of my size," I said. I poured what was left of the rock onto the right side of the table, out of the way of my arms.

    Drew looked at the pile of crumbled rock, dumbfounded. "You certainly met a burden of proof in terms of unbelievable things. Now, what are you going to tell me?"

    "This is going to sound even more unbelievable than what I just showed you, but please try to wrap your heads around it. Hell exists. Hell is real. Demons are real. Angels are real. God is real. And the Devil is real," I said.

    Drew breathed a sigh of relief. "Any god fearing Christian believes that."

    "Here comes the hard part. I am the new administrator of Hell. I recently replaced Lucifer, who has re-ascended into Heaven as a reformed angel. They needed someone to fill the position, and since I was the one who initiated his reformation, they gave the job to me," I said.

    "Ok, now I''m lost," he said, blinking rapidly.

    "Lucifer, the Devil, was in charge of Hell. He asked God for forgiveness for his sins and God forgave him. God re-instated Lucifer as an angel. Are you with me so far?" I said.

    "Yes, I think so," he said, straightening up in his chair.

    "That left a vacancy at the top of Hell''s corporate structure. The CEO position was open. You still with me?" I said.

    "Yes. This is making sense," he said.

    "I got Lucifer to reform. So they offered me his old job," I said.

    "Ok, I get it now," he said. "But you said no, right?"

    "I tried to, but they kind of had me in a corner. Saying yes was the only legitimate option," I said, putting my hands together.

    "Ok. So that makes you the Devil?" he said.

    "Sort of. Devil is a classification that refers to fallen angels. Lucifer was the Devil with a capital ''D'', because he was the devil in charge. I am a human, not a devil. So the title shouldn''t really apply to me, but since the ruler of Hell was called the Devil for so long, the two have become synonymous. So in the sense that I am the ruler of Hell, yes I am the Devil," I said.

    "So you''re a bad guy, then?" Drew asked.

    "No," I said.

    "How? Why not?" Drew asked.

    "I''m just in charge of running Hell, the place they keep people who have chosen to separate themselves from God. I don''t have to tempt people towards Hell or entice them. I''m just in charge of managing the demons and human souls in Hell. That''s all. Oh, and stopping early apocalypses, and basically whatever God tells me to do," I said.

    "I see. So you''re not a bad guy?" He said.

    "No. I''m not," I said.

    "Are you a good guy?" he asked.

    "Arguably. I would say so," I said.

    "Ok. So we wanted to find out what happened with the destroying of Vegas and the fight in Reno and why an inactive volcano has suddenly become active again. But it sounds like you want something more than that," he said.

    "I do. I want special access to crime scenes and all law enforcement and intelligence data. This would help me keep the world safe from future apocalypses and other disasters," I said.

    "I can''t personally grant you access to all of that. I can probably get you access to crime scenes in Las Vegas and the data of the Las Vegas Police Department, but that''s it," he said.

    "Can you share this video with all law enforcement and intelligence agencies and give them my phone number and email?" I asked.

    "Yeah, we can probably do that. I''ll have to ask the chief, but that doesn''t sound unreasonable to me," he said.

    A different voice came over the speaker. "Tell him the Chief is ok with it, says me, the Chief."

    "Ok. Looks like the Chief is ok with those things," he said with a smile.

    "Yeah, I heard that. Not meaning to be rude or anything," I said.

    "That''s fine. Ok, so now that we have your requests settled, do you want to tell us what happened?" he said.

    "Sure," I said.

    I explained everything that happened from just before the bet to the bet, and everything that happened after, including the party and the trial. Even with everything I had already told them, they had a hard time believing Mole People existed, but I eventually got them over that hump.

    They let me take the Bubble with me and when I asked for the medallions that the other police department had taken, they said they would call over there and let me know the results.

    I ended up teleporting myself and the Bubble back to the little cave alcove where it originally launched from. As I was putting it back on the tracks that led into the magma, I wondered why I didn''t just teleport Steve and me down here for the trial.

    It would have been slightly faster than the elevator, but then I wouldn''t have met up with Lucifer in the way that I did. So I guessed everything worked out for the best.

    After I was done, I teleported back to my apartment. Steve was still there watching TV, which I realized was probably the best thing for him right now. You could learn a lot about life and society from TV if you had no other interaction with people to learn from. I wondered if they had TV in Hell.

    After assuring Steve that everything was fine, I texted Margaret and told her I found a way to still date her. She was pleased and excited. I asked her where she wanted to meet for our date and when. She said right now and outside her work, which I knew to be the Fortress of Bureaucracy.

    So I took a quick look in the mirror, brushed my teeth, mussed up my hair, and put on my favorite shirt, which I was already wearing, told Steve I would be gone for a bit, and teleported to the Fortress of Bureaucracy.

 Chapter 26: The Date [Book 1 End]

    Margaret came out of the Fortress of Bureaucracy a few seconds after I teleported in front of it. She looked around and said, "Did the Devil drop you off?"

    "You could say that," I said cryptically.

    I wanted to have a genuine, relaxed date with Margaret to get to know her without having the pressure of me being her new boss''s boss''s boss''s boss''s boss.

    "How are we getting to this cafe?" I asked.

    "We could walk, but let''s take the subway. Walking would take forever," she said.

    "Ok," I said.

    We walked a block to the subway station and went down the stairs. There were what appeared to be homeless demons talking to themselves, a three-man band playing what sounded like a cross between classical and metal music in public, and one guy doing street magic, but his name was probably something like Christopher Demon. It was basically a normal subway.

    When we got on the train, there was a guy talking to his own reflection, someone walking up and down the aisle asking for change, and someone loudly professing their demonic religious views that I didn''t understand.

    "This is just like a normal NYC subway," I said.

    "Yeah, Hell always tends to exaggerate the negative aspects of life on earth, but you can''t really get much worse than a NYC subway, so it stayed basically the same," she said.

    "That seems kind of unfair to demons," I said. "I wonder if the Devil could do something about that."

    "It''s not that big of a deal. You get used to it," Margaret said. "The Devil thinks that demons enduring suffering allows us to better understand how to extend that suffering onto the human souls."

    "That doesn''t really make sense," I said. "Couldn''t you just get good at torturing souls by, you know, torturing souls?"

    "That''s what I think, but no one listens to me. I''m just an administrative assistant," she said, shrugging.

    "What if you weren''t just an administrative assistant?" I asked.

    "I''d make a lot of changes, but why bother with that mental exercise when it''ll never happen? I''m only sixty years old. I''m very young for a demon, and the birth rates have been declining, so it''s unlikely I''ll get bumped up anytime soon. Why think about it now, when it won''t happen for another two hundred years, if it does happen?" she said.

    Damn. That was rough. I felt sorry for her. If only she had more agency in her life. Sure, I could change all that for her without even having to snap my fingers, but that would change our relationship dynamic drastically. We might even have to stop dating.

    Not that we were really even dating yet, since this was our first date and it hadn''t even started yet. But I was tired of relationships not working out. I wanted this one to work. I needed a partner down here, especially if I was going to last long term, at least mentally.

    I''d consider hiring her as my assistant director or something. So far, she seemed to have a good head on her shoulders, but I guess I''d have to wait for the date to really find that out.

    When we got off the train, we found the same situation as before: a three-person band, a street magician, and people staring into their phones, trying really hard to ignore everything that was going on around them. If I hadn''t verified the band and magician were different people, I would''ve sworn we hadn''t left the last station.

    After we had left the underground, we walked a few blocks to the place. It had a big red neon "IRS" sign above the door. We walked inside and were immediately addressed by the host.

    "Two?" She held two index fingers up instead of just two fingers on the same hand. She looked at me strangely, and then her eyes went wide and her eyebrows shot up.

    "Yes," Margaret said.

    "Yes, sir. I mean, ma''am. Yes, ma''am. If you could follow me this way," she said.

    She was a short demon woman wearing a black button shirt and black slacks. She sat us in a booth in the corner of the restaurant. She gave me an almost imperceptible nod. She apparently knew who I was.

    I looked around the restaurant and everyone there was looking right at me. They all nodded slightly and then went back to whatever they were doing. My God. Apparently, everyone had heard the news about the new administrator. Everyone except Margaret somehow.

    "I think everyone''s looking at us because they think you''re a demon in human form. No demons stay in human form when they''re not on earth. And no humans walk around in the administrative district unless they''ve escaped from the rings of Hell," she said.

    "If I''m such an oddity, why did you want to go on a date?" I asked. I was curious. The more she explained, the less it made sense for her to date me. She was on a date with someone who not only stuck out like a sore thumb but also looked like an escaped convict.

    "I like different. I thought you might have a different perspective or way of doing things than every demon man I''ve ever met," she said, smiling a small smile.

    "Do I live up to the hype?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

    "Well, you haven''t set anything on fire or tried to show off how masculine you are yet, so I''d say yes," she said, still smiling at me like I was the only person in the room.

    Margaret was a demon. I didn''t know what type of demon, if there even were such a thing as types. She had smooth red skin, small red horns, and a red arrowed tail peeking out of her tan pantsuit.

    She was in good shape, like she worked out, but I couldn''t imagine how she had time to do that with a bureaucratic job. Maybe she was one of those religious exercisers who worked out every morning but barely fit it into her morning routine.

    "I have to ask something, though. How come you aren''t drooling all over me? Any normal human would barely be able to speak in my presence. Or they''d try to rip their clothes off or rip my clothes off," she said.

    "Why is that?" I said, looking at the menu.

    Every menu item had some sort of reference either to Hell or the IRS in its name. There was a Deviled Egg Sandwich, a Seven Deadly Sins Club Sandwich, a Damned Good BLT, Form 1040 Fries, and The Audit Special, to name just a few of the many items that were on the menu.

    "Because I''m a succubus," she said.

    I was taking a sip of water when she said this. I almost spit the water out of my mouth in surprise. "You''re a what?"

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    "A succubus. You know, a sex demon," she said.

    "I know what a succubus is. I just thought you''d be more¡­" I trailed.

    "Sexual?" she asked.

    "I know this is probably offensive, but yes. Just assume I''m an ignorant human and please don''t hate me for it. I''m here to learn," I said.

    "I''m not offended," she said. "I have a thicker skin than that."

    "So are all succubi like yourself? Understated sexually, I mean," I said.

    "No. Most of my family very much represents the stereotype. They all dress inappropriately sexy, even in formal settings, and travel to earth frequently to prey on humans," she said, looking into the distance.

    "This is probably too personal of a question to ask so early, but if we, uh, enter a relationship, so to speak, would you automatically prey on me or is it something you can turn on and off?" I asked.

    "It is a little early for that question, but I understand the need to ask it," she said. "No. It is something I can turn on and off, but if things get really spicy, it can turn on by itself sometimes. Not that it would hurt you much. The sex would just feel exponentially better in the moment, but you''d feel exhausted afterwards."

    "I''m not saying I''m excited by that prospect, but I wouldn''t say no to a relationship with someone as nice as you seem to be over it," I said, still looking at the menu. "I think I''ll have the BLT. You?"

    "Good choice. I always get the Deviled Egg Sandwich. It is to die for," she said. "Also, smooth move tucking relationship talk under food talk." She giggled.

    "That''s what I''m known for. They call me ''Smooth Dave'' on earth," I said, making a goofy ''smooth'' looking face at her.

    She giggled again. "Do they really?"

    "Nope. No one calls me that," I laughed. "To answer your previous question, which I so smoothly avoided, I have an ability I got from Mephistopheles that allows me to get karmic boons if my luck has been bad lately. I used it when I was succumbing to your charms, and suddenly it went away and I could see you as a whole ass person again."

    "You tricked not only the Devil, but Mephistopheles, the king of deals?" She sounded impressed.

    "Yeah. I did. Maybe I''m smoother than I think," I said.

    "Maybe you are. Interesting. So you''re immune to my charms. I wonder what else you have up your sleeves," she said.

    "You''ll just have to wait and find out," I said.

    The waitress came up to our table. "Hi, my name is Nimby. I''ll be your server today. Uh, sir, you don''t have to maintain human form here. You can change back. It''s ok. We''re all demons here."

    "I''m actually not a demon. I''m a human. A living one," I said.

    "Wait, then how are you here right now?" she asked. Then realization dawned on her face. "Oh! OH! I see. Carry on, sir. Sorry to bother you. So have you two decided what you''d like to order?"

    We put in our orders, and Nimby took the menus. She nodded at me and winked. Man, literally everyone except Margaret knew about me. What was the deal? I still wanted to keep the facade up a little longer, though. I really wanted to get to know what she was like before she found out who I was and everything changed.

    "What was that about?" Margaret asked.

    "What was what about?" I asked, avoiding the question.

    "The whole ''Oh! OH!'' thing? What was she realizing? Is there something you''re not telling me?" Margaret said, putting her hands on her hips.

    "Ok, ok. Yes, there is something I''m keeping a secret, but I really don''t want it to get between us, before we even get to know each other properly. Can we please not discuss it until after the meal? Please? I promise it''s nothing bad or harmful to you in any way," I said.

    She breathed in deep and sighed. "With this many red flags, I would normally call a date off completely, but you seem genuine, so I''ll give you just this one time to keep a secret from me. But only until the end of the meal, and after that, you are always honest and upfront with me."

    "I promise," I said. "So big question. Have you ever thought about having kids?"

    "Wow! Ok. You skipped right past icebreaker and split the iceberg. Um, yeah I have. I''m open to kids, but I''m not racing towards it," she said.

    "That''s fair. I''m kind of in the same boat. I''ve always wondered what it would be like to be a father, but I still don''t want to give up my freedom just yet," I said.

    "I get that," she said. "Since you asked a question, I get to ask one now."

    "Shoot," I said.

    She made a finger gun at me and said, "Pew! Pew!"

    "Oh, my God. That is adorable and also incredibly lame," I said.

    "Hey! We don''t say that word down here," she said, looking around.

    A few people were staring at us, but as soon as I gazed back at them, they looked down at their food.

    "Ah, I see. My apologies. It''s going to take a while to get used to living down here," I said.

    "What do you mean? You''re going to ''live'' down here now? I thought you were just visiting," she said.

    "Uh, yeah. That''s part of the big thing. How about this? I''ll tell you a little, but I''ll leave the rest until afterwards. Are you amenable to that?" I said.

    "Sure," she said. "Now you''re making it sound less like a bad thing and more like juicy gossip! Gimme, gimme! Spill the tea!"

    "I''ll spill the tea," I laughed. She was genuinely funny, on top of being cute. The longer we talked, the more I realized I was in deep shit. She was exactly my type. "So I''m moving down here to fill a job position that has been made vacant recently."

    "What? How does that work? I didn''t know a human could live down here, let alone work down here," she said.

    "I''m really not sure how it works. You''ll have to ask the people who offered me the job," I said.

    "Who would that be?" she asked, leaning forward in her seat.

    I pointed up.

    "Earth?" she asked, looking confused.

    "Higher," I said.

    "Purgatory?" she asked, looking more confused.

    "Higher," I said.

    "No way. Heaven?" she asked, shocked.

    "Yes," I said.

    "Why? How?" she asked.

    "Why? Because I was the most qualified person they could find. And how? They were very persuasive. They offered me a ton of benefits, but the one that enticed me the most was the fact that I''d be able to date you. Without taking the job, I''d be stuck on earth with no way to get to you," I said.

    "That''s so sweet, but we barely know each other," she said.

    "I know. I''m not saying I''m ready to get married or anything. I just know if I didn''t at least try, I would always wonder what could have been, and I don''t want to live my life in regret," I said, shrugging.

    "I suppose that''s fair, but that''s another word we don''t say down here," she said.

    "What? Marriage? Why?" I asked.

    "It''s holy. You know the phrase ''Holy Matrimony''? We don''t allow holy things down here. The farthest we take things is a lifelong partner," she whispered.

    "Isn''t that the same thing?" I asked.

    "Not to the big guy, it isn''t," she said.

    "I see. Well, that may change soon," I said.

    "Why?" she asked.

    "Let''s just say I have the big guy''s ear," I said. And all of his other parts, too, because I was the big guy now.

    "Oh, right, because you had a bet with him, right? I thought he would have hard feelings after losing," she said.

    "No hard feelings. We''re basically best friends now. It feels like we''ve known each other for years," I said, because we had.

    "Huh. Ok. I''m not complaining. I don''t know why, but I was really excited about this date. I have a good feeling about this one," she said, winking at me.

    I winked back. The food arrived, and we began eating. I would say it was divine, but that was probably blasphemy down here. So let''s just say it was infernal, but in a good way. The Damned Good BLT was damn good as advertised!

    I was really curious what kind of strange and otherworldly sodas they had down here, but the only thing weird about their sodas was that they had both of the competing brands, unlike earth restaurants that only ever carried one.

    As we were eating and commenting on the food, and having a generally good time, a group of men and women who were dressed similarly to police officers came into the restaurant. They had a very 1990s police officer vibe, except their clothing was black and red.

    I saw them talking to the host, and the host pointed at our booth. Uh oh. It looked like trouble. Trouble I could probably get out of either through authority or force, but I would have to reveal my identity, and I wasn''t ready to do that yet.

    The police officers walked angrily and ominously up to our booth. "We got a report of an escaped damned soul at the IRS. Do you care to explain what you''re doing here, sir?" The officer looked at Margaret. "He''s not holding you hostage, is he, ma''am?"

    "No, no! Not at all! He''s my date! He works here now! Explain it to them, Dave!" she said in a panic.

    "Hold on a sec. Did you say this man was Dave? As in Dave Daverson? As in Beauregard David Daverson?" the officer asked shakily.

    "I think so?" she said.

    The officer gulped and looked at me.

    "Yes, unfortunately for me and for you, I am Beauregard David Daverson. Is there anything I can help you with, officers? Because if not, I would very much like to continue my date with this lovely young lady here," I said.

    All the officers bowed deeply and said, "Yes, sir. No, sir. Please have a wonderful evening."

    The officers left the way they came. Margaret looked at me with a shocked look on her face, mixed with a slight smile. "Ok, you have to tell me what that was about. ''Yes, sir. No, sir?'' You''re not just working here. You have a position of authority! What are you? A duke of Hell?"

    "Not exactly," I said, sighing. "I suppose I''ve kept it secret long enough. I''m the new Devil."

    Margaret''s jaw dropped open, and she said, "What?"

 Ch 27: Workplace Etiquette

    "It''s Tuesday. You should wear your midnight blue tie," Margaret said, handing me the aforementioned tie.

    "Thanks, babe. You always dress me so good," I said, hanging the tie on my neck and checking the lengths of each end in a mirror.

    I leaned into her, and we rubbed noses together. It was something we just started doing because we thought it would look weird and dumb to other people, but then we unironically started enjoying it.

    "It''s ''dress me so well'' dear," she said, grabbing the ends of the tie and tying it for me. As I said, she always dressed me so good.

    "I know, but sometimes I like to talk bad. I think it makes me seem adorkable," I said.

    "It does do that, so mission accomplished, but isn''t the most important thing, turning on your girlfriend? I think it''s so hot when you speak real good like," she said, as she put the finishing touches on my tie.

    "See? I have you doing it now. It''s addicting, isn''t it?" I said, as she patted my tie flat against my chest.

    "Perfect," she said. "You are right. It is fun to talk like that, but it''s unprofessional."

    "I''m the Devil. How professional do I need to be?" I said.

    "You do have a point. The old Devil always wore the most ridiculous looking outfits, but he got away with it because he had the power to back it up. You''re still getting there," she said.

    "Yeah, but no one else knows that. You better not be telling your girlfriends that. I have a reputation to maintain. Besides, with sword Steve at my side, I''m plenty more powerful than any demon alive or dead," I said, patting my sword on my waist. It hummed with anticipation over the next time I would draw it. I mean that literally. It literally hummed. With its "mouth."

    "I love you. You know that?" I said, leaning in for a kiss.

    "I know you do," she said, kissing me back passionately.

    "Why aren''t you saying it back? You always say it back," I said, confused.

    "I''m trying on a new, confident, sassy attitude. How does it look?" she said, grabbing and swaying her hips.

    "It''s extremely hot, but maybe don''t do it in front of the neighbors. You don''t want them to get the wrong idea," I said.

    "And what idea would that be, my dear?" she asked, stroking the underside of my chin with an index finger.

    "That I don''t wear the pants in the house," I said.

    "You don''t though. You''re literally not wearing pants right now, and we''re in the house," she said, gesturing at the house.

    "Yeah, but I don''t want people to know that. I''m supposed to be a big, strong man. I don''t want them to know that you''re my world. That would be a sign of weakness, and you know what they do with weaklings down here," I said.

    "They eat them alive," she said at the same time as me, like she''d heard it a hundred times. Which wasn''t true. I''d only said it on two dozen occasions. No more than that.

    "It''s bad enough they think I''m dating my secretary," I said.

    "That''s because you are dating your secretary," she said, smiling adorably, prominently displaying her sharp white teeth.

    "That''s only because you insist on calling yourself my secretary, when you''re really more of an assistant director," I said, mussing up my hair.

    "That''s because it''s hot," she said, handing me my pants.

    "It is, but it undermines my authority," I said, putting on my pants.

    "Your authority is plenty strong, my love. If anything I think your image needs some humanizing," she said.

    "Really? Doesn''t the fact that I''m human do that already?" I asked.

    "No, people still fear you babe. Lucifer was a known Devil. People understood what motivated him. You''re still relatively new so people don''t know what to expect. They''re afraid you could fly off the handle at something unexpected," she said.

    "They''re waiting for me to prove I''m as crazy and unstable as Lucifer was," I said.

    "Exactly," she said, straightening my collar.

    "But I''m not," I said.

    "They still don''t know that yet, but things will settle down in time. You''ll show them who you are and they''ll love you for it," she said. "Just like I do." She kissed me.

    "Thanks, babe. I''ve been the Devil for three years now, though. You''d think they''d be used to me by now," I said.

    "Three years is nothing to a demon," she said. "Imagine you''ve had a new boss for a month, and you''ll understand how they feel."

    "I see. Well, I guess I''ll just have to keep on keeping on," I said.

    "You will," she said. "Now get out there and be a good Devil." She smacked my butt to get me going.

    I left the house and teleported to the control room. I looked out over all the machinery, switches, computers, and Steves.

    "Alright boys," I said. "We''re going to crack some whips today, just like we do every day."

    "Sounds good boss," Steve one said.

    "I just finished oiling the whips boss," Steve two said.

    "Two, how many times do I have to say we''re not cracking literal whips? It''s a metaphor. Where did you even get those?" I said.

    "Uh, Shawlmart?" Two said.

    "Shawlmart sells whips now? Huh. I guess they really do sell everything," I said. "Well, were they at least on sale?"

    "Nope," Two said.

    "Can you return them?" I asked.

    "Not after I oiled them," he said.

    "Ok, just put them in a corner. I''ll figure out what to do with them," I said.

    "Ok, boss," Two said.

    A young demon woman came through swinging double doors. She wore a waitress outfit and carried a cup of hot coffee. "Here''s your coffee, sir."

    "Thank you, Nimby. You know you don''t have to wear that uniform anymore, right? You can dress normal," I said, taking a sip of coffee.

    "I don''t want my normal clothes to get dirty. Besides, what is dressing normal, anyway?" she said.

    "Fair. How''s breakfast coming along?" I said.

    "Chef Demi said it''ll be another five minutes," Nimby said, pausing and just looking at me.

    "What? Do I have something on my face?" I said.

    "No, you''re just a really handsome man, boss," she said.

    "Nimby, is that really a professional thing to say?" I asked.

    "What? Of course it is. I call Demi handsome all the time. Do they not do that on Earth?" she said, looking mildly offended.

    "Oh. Um, sorry. They don''t. They consider it unprofessional up there," I said.

    "They sound like a bunch of prudes if you ask me," Nimby said.

    "I suppose they are," I laughed.

    "Fuck ''em. I say find joy where you can whenever you can. Life is short and you only get one," she said.

    "You''re right. You''re an adorable young lady yourself," I said with enthusiasm.

    "Thanks, boss," she said, slapping me on the ass.

    I pointed at her. "Ok, that''s unprofessional," I said.

    "Maybe it is," she said, putting her finger up to her lips. "Sue me if you''ve got a problem with it. What do they say up there? ''If you can''t handle the heat, get out of the kitchen''," she said, flicking her lower lip with her finger provocatively.

    This story originates from a different website. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.

    I narrowed my eyes at her. "I''m pretty sure that''s not how you''re supposed to use that phrase. Also, bad Nimby! That''s a bad Nimby!"

    She was a hell spawn, and a spicy one at that.

    She stuck her tongue out at me. "Prude." She walked back into the back, swaying her hips in an exaggerated manner. If she wasn''t careful, she might end up throwing her back out doing that.

    "Thank you, Nimby," I said, rolling my eyes.

    I hired Nimby and Chef Demi from the IRS Cafe that Margaret and I visited on our first date. All of Lucifer''s inner circle had been in on the apocalypse plan with Harvey, so I had to build my staff from scratch.

    I hired a few well-known technicians and had this whole control room setup in real time. I still didn''t have Lucifer''s conjuring ability, so I had to do everything the old-fashioned way. I preferred it, though. From my experiences in the therapy zone, Lucifer''s conjuring ability could sometimes produce unexpected results.

    One time, the dishwasher started talking to me about how it wished I put more dirty dishes inside it rather than washing them by hand. It was like, "I gotta eat too, you know." Man, that was weird.

    I snapped back to what I was doing. "One, Two, Three, Four, are you guys seeing anything?"

    One, Two, and Four replied with different versions of, "No, boss." Three put up a finger, indicating he was in the middle of something.

    "I got something!" Three said.

    "What is it?" I asked.

    "A recent spike in the global death rate. It''s minor, but statistically significant. And there''s a corresponding anomaly in the data," he said.

    "Hit me with it, but don''t actually hit me. Just give me the information," I said.

    "Ok. Famous people from all walks of life have been dying in droves. The local law enforcement agencies are labeling them as murders, but they don''t give any details on how the murders were committed. There''s no link between the victims other than the fact that they''re all famous for something," Three said.

    "Ok. Can you cross reference the names with our database? On the off chance, they''re related to Hell in some way. It''s slim, but it''s better to check than not," I said.

    "Yes, sir," he said, as he worked on the computer. "We got hits."

    "How many?" I asked.

    "All of them," he said. "They''re all in our database as people who''ve made deals with the Devil or a demon."

    "Huh. There has to be a reason for that. Try to find out why," I said.

    <hr>

    The rest of the day was uneventful. There were no new major disasters that would indicate a coming apocalypse. No plagues or strange natural disaster phenomena.

    The Circles of Hell were operating as intended. The weather and atmosphere were correct, and people were being punished appropriately.

    And Heaven and Purgatory were normal. Nothing out of the ordinary. I teleported in front of the door to my home and opened the door. Something was bugging me. The murders were weird, sure, but we''d figure it out and fix it like the other issues we''d encountered. That wasn''t a problem. I was confident about my work.

    What was messing with me was how Nimby acted towards me that morning. I walked up the stairs and sat down on the top of the steps. It was a place I liked to think. Margaret saw me and sat down beside me. I used my Devil authority to widen the stairs, so it was more comfortable for us to sit side by side.

    "What''s going on?" she asked, concerned. Holding her head and wincing.

    "Hey, what''s wrong? Are you ok?" I asked.

    "I don''t know. I have a terrible headache and I''m feeling nauseous on top of that," she said.

    "I''m sorry. Is there anything I can do?" I said, concerned.

    "No, I''ll be ok. I''ll just lay down later, but first I want to talk about you. What''s going on?" she said.

    "I had this really weird experience at work today," I said, rubbing my forehead.

    "What happened? Are you ok?" Margaret asked.

    "I don''t know. Nimby. She crossed a line, and I don''t know what to do about it," I said.

    Margaret scrunched up her face uncomfortably and said, "Did she get too rough during intimacy?"

    "What? No!" I said.

    "Did she try something inappropriate without asking first?" she said.

    "No! Nothing like that," I said, getting confused and a little worried.

    "Oh! Did she break any of the standard workplace protocols for subordinate to manager relations? I hear Earth has strict rules about these things," Margaret said, looking worried herself. She wasn''t worried for the same reason I was, though. She was worried by how anxious I was getting from her questions.

    "What? No! Margaret? What are you talking about?" I asked, standing up.

    "Dave? Are you ok? You''re scaring me," she said, tears welling up in her eyes.

    I sat back down. My getting upset was upsetting her. I tried to relax and calmly explain my confusion, but first I had to make sure she was ok as well. "Babe, I''m sorry. I think there''s been some sort of miscommunication. I don''t want to see you cry. I''m sorry for whatever I did to cause that. Are you ok?"

    She sniffled and wiped her eyes. "Yeah. It''s just I''ve never seen you so upset before. You always brush everything off so easily. Demon men get angry and aggressive and physical so quickly, but you don''t. I''m just really shocked to see you this way is all. Can you explain to me what''s upsetting you so we can work through it together?"

    "Yes, Margaret. We can. I''m sorry for getting upset. I have a feeling a cultural difference is causing my distress, but as I said when we started this three years ago, I''m here to learn," I said, rubbing her back.

    "Ok. Start over. Nimby crossed a line at work today. What line did she cross?" she asked.

    "She hit on me rather aggressively, then smacked my ass and called me a prude. I''m just so confused," I said. "I don''t want to fire her. She''s such a hard worker, and she really needs this job. She''s helping support her siblings with the money and it''s barely enough for her to get by. I''ve been considering giving her raise too. But this sexual harassment thing has my stomach in knots."

    "Sexual harassment? She forced herself on you?" Margaret asked.

    "No," I said, confused again.

    "She forced you on her?" she asked.

    "No," I said. Man, this was confusing. There was a serious miscommunication happening, but I didn''t know how to untangle it.

    "So then she pulled you out of your pants and performed a sexual act on you?" Margaret said.

    "No. None of that," I said. I forced myself to remain calm despite my confusion. Was that what they saw as sexual harassment down here? Because on Earth those things would be classified as sexual assault.

    "Then where''s the sexual harassment?" Margaret said, genuinely confused.

    "She smacked my butt and flirted with me. Does that not count as sexual harassment down here?" I said, with my head in my hands.

    "No. That''s just teasing. I thought she had done something bad during intimacy from how upset you were," she said.

    "You keep bringing that up, and I could not be more confused by it," I said. "Why do you keep assuming that Nimby is performing intimate acts on me?"

    "She''s not?" Margaret said, shocked.

    "No! Why would she be?" I said.

    "Because that''s what you do at work," she said matter-of-factly.

    "Come again?" I asked.

    "Ok, by how this conversation is going, I''m assuming they don''t do this on Earth, but in Hell, subordinates sleep with and or please their boss or bosses if they have multiple. It''s standard workplace etiquette. It''s also healthy. It creates a stronger bond between the manager and their subordinates," Margaret explained.

    "It''s in the employee/employer handbook. Did you not read it? I gave it to you after you took me home on our first date," she said, starting to get a little upset.

    I grimaced. "Uh, yeah, I forgot to do that. I figured it wasn''t that important. I thought it would be like any handbook on Earth."

    Margaret smacked me on the arm. It kind of hurt, and I was supposed to be invulnerable. I guessed I wasn''t. I must have just been really, really tough. While my body tanked most hits, really hard ones could get through. Actually, that would explain why Steve was able to kill me with a punch to the heart over three years ago. But that wasn''t important right now.

    "Ow! What was that for?" I said, rubbing my shoulder.

    "You always read the handbook. Every new job, every new piece of machinery or technology, and every new relationship. Everything in Hell has a handbook, and you always read it! Even small things like refilling the soap dispenser and washing your hands have a handbook," she said.

    "Ok, ok! I didn''t know! On Earth, no one reads handbooks. They just ask people how to do things or they figure it out through trial and error," I said.

    "Earth is not Hell. Hell is not Earth. Get that through your thick skull, Dave! You''re the Devil now! You have a lot of responsibility and if you mess up, people die, or worse. They suffer and live," Margaret said, very upset. She stood up, then sat down, then stood back up again, and then sat back down again.

    "I really want to storm out right now, but we still need to talk about this sexual harassment situation. You are not firing Nimby because she flirted with you and smacked your butt. It''s in the employee handbook."

    "If anything, I''d fire her for taking three years to start coming on to you, but she''s young and inexperienced. And she''s not a succubus. Sexual customs and behaviors don''t come as easily to her as it does for others. She called you a prude because you are a prude, Dave. Look in the mirror."

    "Wait, so you wouldn''t be upset if I slept with people at work?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

    "Well, since Nimby is the only woman there and you''re not bisexual, I would be confused if you slept with multiple people at work. Especially, since Steve is practically your son. But no, I wouldn''t be upset. I thought you already were sleeping with a person at work. Nimby. She''s fully mature, but young. She''s the perfect age to be shown the way by a kind older man with experience like yourself," Margaret said, waving a handbook at me.

    I wondered where she even got a handbook from. She''d been sitting on the stairs with me the whole time. Was she carrying it on her person?

    "Okay. Okay. Okay. Ok¡­Ok. I know you''re not supposed to tell someone to calm down, but please calm down, Margaret. You''re scaring me now. I''m sorry I haven''t read any of the handbooks you''ve given me," I said.

    "I get that you told me to read them, but you have to understand, on Earth, everyone tells people to read the handbook. No one ever does. Not even the person telling the other person to read it. It''s a weird Earth thing."

    "Now that I know in Hell you''re supposed to read the handbooks, and it''s important for me since I''m not from here, I will read the handbooks. I promise. I will spend all night tonight reading them."

    "No, you will not," she said. "You will get your required eight hours of sleep, mister."

    "That must be another Hell thing. Man, I really should''ve read those handbooks. Sleep on Earth is a recommended thing, but culturally, a lot of us don''t get enough of it, and some people even see it as a badge of honor that they don''t get enough sleep," I said.

    Margaret looked at me like I was a talking fish. "You Earth people are weird."

    "You can just say ''humans''. ''Humans'' are weird," I said.

    "We don''t classify people by species down here, Dave. That''s speciest," she said.

    "Man. I really need to read the handbooks," I said, rubbing my temples. "Hold on. Are you sleeping with anyone else?"

    "I''m going to ignore the judgment in your tone for now, but by tomorrow, you better talk right, or you''re going to get smacked," she said. "No, I''m not, since I only have one boss, and that''s you. I''m doing my duty."

    "That makes sense. I''m not making any promises, but I''ll think about my prudish ways while I read the handbooks. I may not follow through with what you''re saying, but I will respect it," I said.

    "Wait. I''m your only boss, but you have male subordinates. A lot of them. Do you?" I said, trailing off.

    "No," she said.

    "Why not?" I asked.

    "Because they aren''t you." She sighed.

    "I feel the same way," I said. "Why are you allowed to feel that way but not me?"

    "Because you''re a man. Don''t men want to spread their seed?" she said.

    "Maybe other men, but not me," I said.

    "Ok, you dont have to sleep with Nimby if you dont want to, but you better figure out a way to turn her down without destroying her self image and self confidence."

    Margaret stood up and slapped the handbook she was holding into my hands. It was the employee/employer handbook. "Read it. Then come back to me. I''ll stay up until midnight to wait for you, but no later. She paused, looking like she was in pain. "You and I have work in the morning. Between the nausea and the headache, I really need my sleep. I''m going to go lay down."

    "Ok. I will. Feel better," I said, as she walked down the hallway and closed the door to our bedroom behind her.

    I sat there, dumbfounded. This was by far the weirdest and most confusing conversation I''d ever had. I looked down at the handbook in my hands. I figured I might as well get to work, so I locked myself in my study and began reading.

 Ch 28: Read the Handbook

    As I read through the handbook Margaret gave me, I turned on my computer. There were a few filters that I just thought of that might help me determine what was actually going on.

    I went back to the handbook as my computer turned on. That was the more important thing I had to address. I understood that murders were important, but this was my relationship on the line. That trumped murder. No offense intended to anyone who had been murdered.

    I found a lot of really weird stuff in there. There were instructions on how to properly conduct "business." There was a workplace flirtation manual. There was a guidance on the appropriate way to be passive aggressive at work. There were nickname picking tables, depending on how positive or negative you wanted them to sound.

    There was a wealth of really strange customs that I did not even remotely understand. Like I thought I was pretty open-minded, but ordering exotic dancers for workplace birthday celebrations? That was bizarre even for me. It even gave numbers to call, depending on what you were looking for. I had no idea there were so many flavors of exotic dancers. There were dirty cops, dirty nurses, dirty maids, dirty nerds, dirty clowns, and even dirty exotic dancers¡ªwhich was especially confusing¡ªto name just a small portion of the options.

    The amount of weird things were too numerous to list. It was enough to fill a whole handbook if that tells you anything. Some more notable ones were the correct way to dispose of a body, proper backstabbing etiquette, a list of appropriate and inappropriate workplace pranks, and there was a guide to being late to work and how to get away with it. One of my favorites, though, was titled "Magic Rituals in the Workplace and Beyond."

    I read through that section thoroughly. It detailed a vast number of different types of mostly mundane magic rituals, like how to erase all record of you scanning your butt on the copier, or the way to rid the fridge of food smells that just wouldn''t go away, or how to get the intern you liked to pay attention to you.

    One ritual in particular caught my eye, though. It detailed how to conduct demon deals with mortals. Apparently, there were rituals associated with demon deals that either boosted the power of a deal, reduced the physical and mental exhaustion afterwards, or even nullified the deal and retrieved the magical energy used to make it.

    The detail that made a lightbulb go off in my head was that, if the person you were nullifying the deal of didn''t consent to the nullification or if you didn''t have the body¡ªliving or otherwise¡ªof the demon that conducted the deal originally, the human and the demon would die. It did stipulate if the dealer was Lucifer himself, he wouldn''t die, it would just hurt a lot.

    That perfectly matched what we knew about the murders of the famous people. They all had deals with demons or Lucifer that was obviously the source of their fame. And whoever was murdering these people clearly didn''t have access to the original dealers and probably didn''t have the deal receivers'' consent.

    They were stealing the magic from the demon deals and killing the victim in the process. What they were stealing the magic for, I didn''t know, but it probably wasn''t good.

    I went into the database of demon deals in my computer and cross-referenced the most recent murder with the closest nearby person who had made a demon deal. Uh oh. I knew the person. It was Sarah. I didn''t realize she had made a deal with Harvey on top of the brainwashing. The record just said it was a deal for revenge. It didn''t give specifics.

    I needed to leave if I wanted to save Sarah before the murderer got to her, but I needed to talk to Margaret and apologize. I couldn''t leave things as they were.

    There was a loud knock on my door. "Dave?" Margaret said. "We need to talk."

    I walked over to the door, unlocked it, and opened it. "I know. I''m sorry, Margaret. I should have read the handbook sooner. I didn''t realize there were so many cultural differences in the workplace. I promise I''ll read the other handbooks after I get back."

    "That''s not what I wanted to talk about, but I appreciate the apology. Wait, where are you going?" she said.

    "Sarah''s in trouble. A murderer is after her and if I don''t leave soon, she could die," I said.

    "Who''s Sarah?" Margaret said, putting her hands on her hips.

    "Wait, I''m confused. I thought you said you were ok with non-monogamy. What''s the attitude for? Is this part of that sassy thing you''re trying on, because now really isn''t the time. Someone''s life is at stake," I said.

    "In the workplace, Dave. And only physical intimacy. Emotional cheating is heavily frowned upon down here. Even more so than on Earth, from what I understand," she said, still giving me a nasty look.

    "Ok, look. She''s my ex-girlfriend, but we are over. We''ve been over since before you and I met. But she''s still my friend, and I can''t abandon a friend to die," I said.

    "That''s understandable, but this conversation really can''t wait," she said, handing me a small plastic device. I looked at it and realized what it was. It was a pregnancy test, and the little result window was showing a plus sign. I was pretty certain a plus sign meant pregnant.

    "Oh, my gosh. That''s great, right?" I said, unsure of what her opinion was. We hadn''t been trying to get pregnant. We weren''t even legally lifelong partners yet. We''d actively been trying not to get pregnant. I always wore protection and everything. I honestly had no idea how this could have happened.

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    "Maybe it is. I don''t know. It''s not my job to decide. It''s yours," she said.

    "What do you mean?" I asked.

    Margaret put her hand up to her face and sighed. "You didn''t read the relationship handbook either, did you?"

    "Not yet, but I will," I said.

    "It''s too late for that. Hell''s relationship handbook dictates that it''s the man''s job to decide whether to keep the pregnancy or not," she said.

    "Can I think about it and get back to you later?" I asked. I really didn''t have the time or the energy to think about something so important and life changing right now. I had to save Sarah.

    "No. The decision has to be made by the end of tonight, or the decision will be made for us," she said.

    "What? Why?" I asked, confused.

    "You really should''ve read the relationship handbook that I gave you and told you to read! Ten times! Ten times, Dave! Why don''t you listen to me?" She burst into tears. "Oh shit. The hormones are already kicking in."

    "That fast? How?" I asked, even more confused.

    "The handbook, Dave! Ten times!" She said, crying harder.

    "Margaret! Tell me what the handbook says! We don''t have time for this," I said, insensitively. I didn''t have time to figure out this mystery. Sarah could be murdered any minute now.

    My phone vibrated. I looked at it. It was a message from Sarah. It read, "I think someone''s trying to break into the house! I can''t leave. My Mom is here. Come quick!"

    Oh crap. I was out of time.

    "The handbook Dave! Look up demon-human pregnancy," she could barely form words she was crying so hard. Holy crap. Those hormones were doing a number on her. What the hell.

    "Ok, ok!" I said. I really didn''t have time for this, but something in my gut told me that this was important. More important than the immediate threat to Sarah''s life somehow. I don''t know how I knew. I just knew.

    I ran back into my study and opened the big bottom drawer that I put all the handbooks in. There were a ton of them. There had to be over fifty of them. I started picking them up, checking the covers, and throwing them to the ground.

    "Shit, shit, shit!" I said. I started reading the titles out loud. "Toilets and You - a handbook, Demonic Rituals and You - a handbook, Human-Demon Relationships and You - a cautionary tale." What the hell? A cautionary tale? That wasn''t concerning or ominous at all.

    This was what I needed though, so I opened it to the table of contents. "Blah blah blah, pregnancy. I got it!" I flipped it to the page indicated and started reading, "Human-demon pregnancies, a warning. Always know your decision beforehand, because you won''t have any time to figure it out once the pregnancy begins."

    "The male partner must make the decision whether to keep the child according to demon law? The average human-demon pregnancy lasts two days? The time until aborting is no longer possible, is six hours? The fatality rate of human-demon pregnancies is 80%? Delivery at a hospital increases chances of survival by 50%? The patient must reach a hospital at least 24 hours before the scheduled birth? Holy hell? I can''t do this! I can''t make this choice!"

    She wasn''t kidding about having no time. I didn''t even know how long she had been pregnant for. For all I knew I had minutes to decide what to do. There had to be something in here about when the hormones and crying kicked in. Maybe that would tell me how long I had to decide.

    "Blah blah blah, the crying begins roughly an hour before the pregnancy is permanent. You should head to a clinic immediately if you plan to do anything about it," I read. Shit! Think! What to do?

    Even if I decided abortion was the way to go, I didn''t have time to take Margaret to a clinic and save Sarah. I would either have to choose one or the other. Or I could try to save Sarah really quick and then immediately take Margaret to a clinic.

    That seemed like my only option. I couldn''t leave Sarah to die. I just couldn''t. My phone vibrated again. It was another text message. This one read "My mom and I are in the closet. He''s in the room and walking towards the door. Come now or don''t come at all. I''d rather you not see my dead body."

    Ok, that seemed a little dramatic, but I understood the panic. Shit! "Margaret! I have to save Sarah! She''s literally seconds away from dying!" I yelled.

    Margaret was curled into a fetal position on the floor. She looked at me with a face full of pain, fear, and righteous fury. "Don''t you dare leave me like this, you bastard! I swear¡ª"

    "I''ll be back, baby! I promise!"

    "Beauregard David Daverson! You decide to abort this baby and you take me to a hospital right now, or I will never forgive you!"

    "But¡ª" I started to say.

    "No buts mister!" she said.

    "Sarah will die!" I said.

    "I''ll die if you don''t take me to a hospital. Who are you going to save? Your ex-girlfriend or your current girlfriend?" She said in agony.

    "Why can''t I save both?" I said. This was probably an immature question, but I still hadn''t learned that choices and sacrifices had to be made. I still thought I could save everyone. Especially now that I was immortal and "invincible."

    "You just can''t, Dave," she said, crying. "That''s life. Accept it and save me. Please."

    I paused for a moment and a single tear ran down my cheek that I wiped away. Sarah would never forgive me for this. Would I forgive myself for this if I was Sarah?

    "Yes, my love," I said. I walked over to Margaret and scooped her off the floor. I imagined we were at the nearest demon hospital, and we were.

    Margaret''s stomach was growing before my eyes. We didn''t have much time if we still had any at all. I walked into the hospital and went up to the front desk.

    "What seems to be the problem?" the woman at the front desk asked.

    "She''s pregnant," I said, looking at Margaret.

    "Congratulations! That''s lovely, but what''s the medical issue? Judging by her size, she can''t be more than 3 months pregnant. It''s way too early for her to be in labor," she said.

    "We found out she was pregnant an hour ago," I said.

    "What? How is that possible?" The nurse was deeply confused.

    "Look at me and then look at her and that''ll answer your question," I said.

    "What do you mean?" she said, still confused.

    I realized the problem. She was assuming I was a demon in human form. Not a human in human form. "I''m not a demon. I''m human."

    "What? How are you down here, then?" she asked.

    "Don''t you recognize me? It''s me, the Devil," I said.

    "Oh! Oh! Oh no! She needs to be taken to the emergency room immediately!" she said.

    "I know!" I said.

    The nurse pressed a button on the phone, and shortly after, someone wheeled a stretcher into the lobby. I placed her on it. The man pushing the stretcher said, "What''s the emergency?"

    "Human-demon pregnancy. I''m the new human Devil. She''s been pregnant for over five hours," I said.

    "Well, now, that is an emergency. Follow me," he said. We walked down a hallway and turned into an emergency room.

    The doctor there said, "What seems to be the problem?"

    "Human-demon pregnancy. Me human. Me new Devil. Five hours," I said.

    "Oh, shit!" The doctor said. "Get her prepped for emergency intervention, now!"

    Margaret was placed on the table, and I was ushered out of the room. There were a few chairs just outside the room that I was asked to sit in. I stared at the door, feeling more powerless than I ever had, before and after becoming the Devil.

 Ch 29: Demon Everything

    I sat out in the hallway for ten minutes waiting for any kind of news, good or bad. The doctor came out and looked at me with a disappointed look on his face, but it wasn''t a sad or regretful face. So at least that was good news.

    "I''m going to need you in here. There''s something we need to discuss," he said. He put his hands up. "Don''t worry, she''s fine. There''s been a complication that you should be informed of."

    "Ok," I said, following the doctor into the ER. What sort of complication could happen that didn''t result in Margaret''s death? I was confused and what I saw when I walked inside made me even more confused.

    There were several large medical instruments made from surgical steel that had been burnt, melted, and twisted beyond repair and recognition. "We have been unable to remove the fetus due to extraordinary circumstances. Human-demon pregnancies don''t happen often, but when they do, we have certain procedures to take care of the fetus."

    "First, we remove the fetus from the mother. Then we deposit it into an external gestation chamber filled with synthetic amniotic fluid to complete its development."

    "What? You have that kind of technology?" I asked. That was astounding. Humans had been working on developing that technology for years and here, demons used it in their standard practice.

    "Oh yes. We''ve had it for some time now," he said.

    "Why don''t humans have it on Earth?" I asked, curious.

    "Two things. Actually, three things. First, hi its nice to meet you. My name is Dr Acula," he said.

    "Dr Acula? Oook. My name is Dave, but I assume you already know that. Most people seem to know who I am, except when it''s convenient for them not to," I said.

    "I''m just kidding. My name is Peter. You can call me Dr Peter. And yes, I do know who you are, Dave," he said. "We''ve been watching you for some time now."

    "You have? Who''s ''we''?" I asked. This was a little sinister and creepy, but I assumed it wasn''t intentional.

    "The whole hospital has. It''s actually quite entertaining," he said.

    "What? How?" I asked. Entertaining? What did that mean?

    "On the news, of course," he said, gesturing to the TV displayed on the wall of the emergency room. A female demon in a windbreaker was reporting outside of a hospital.

    "Hi, Jerry, I''m outside the Red Valley Hospital, where recently, Dave, was spotted entering the facility with what appeared to be a pregnant Margaret. I wonder what''s going on inside. We''ll see if we can get Dave to talk to us when they exit the hospital. Back to you in the studio. This is Sabrina Copperfield, HBS 2 News."

    They cut back to the studio, and I stopped paying attention. There were far more important matters for me to be paying attention to, like my pregnant girlfriend. "Huh. I never noticed a news crew following me around," I said. "What were the other things you wanted to talk about?"

    "I was answering your question about why we don''t share our technology with Earth. First, why would we? Humans have never done anything for us. Second, how would we? Humans run away screaming as soon as they see us," Dr Peter said.

    "Those both make sense," I said. "Now that''s settled, why can''t you put the fetus in the chamber? Also, I was a little worried you were going to, you know." I dragged my finger across my throat.

    "No, we don''t do that anymore. We find it slightly more humane to allow them to develop fully and then release them into the wild if they are unwanted," Peter said with a completely straight face.

    "Release them into the wild? What does that mean? Like you just abandon infants to die in the deserts of Hell?" I asked, perplexed. That seemed even less humane than just not allowing them to develop. I felt releasing them would lead to a lot more suffering.

    "No, they don''t die," he said. "They survive. Demons are very resilient and resourceful."

    "Oh. Huh. Weird. Just more culture shock for me to work through I guess," I said.

    "Dave, just let the man do his job," Margaret said.

    "Right. Well, let''s get to the real issue. Why can''t you remove it?" I said.

    "Do you see these tools? We physically can''t remove it. Every time we try, the little devil chomps on, burns, or pushes out our instruments," he said.

    "How is that possible?" I asked.

    "I don''t know. You don''t happen to have any powers or abilities inherent to your position, do you? Like, say, super strength perhaps?" he said.

    "Actually, I do have super strength, yeah. You''re not saying that got passed on to the fetus, are you?" I said, incredulous. This was insane. How could a fetus mess up surgical instruments like that?

    "That is exactly what I''m saying," he said.

    "What now?" I asked.

    "Now, we just give her the best medical care we can provide until she gives birth and hope she survives," he said.

    "Ok," I said.

    "I''ve done my duty as a doctor by informing you of the situation. Now, you two answer my questions," he said.

    "Ok, I guess," I said.

    "Yes, doctor," Margaret said.

    "How could you let this happen? Didn''t you read the handbook?" Dr Peter asked.

    "I did!" Margaret protested.

    "I didn''t," I admitted.

    "Why didn''t you use protection then?" he asked Margaret.

    "We did," I said.

    "Yeah, we did. I made sure. Every time," she said.

    "What brand did you use? Something you got at a gas station?" the doctor asked.

    "No, I went to a pharmacy," I said.

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    "Ok, what brand?" he asked again.

    "Commando, why?" I asked.

    The doctor put his hand up to his face. "Oh no," he said. "That''s your problem. You used human condoms."

    "There are demon condoms?" I asked.

    "There''s demon everything!" he said, exasperated.

    "What''s the difference?" I asked.

    "Yeah, what''s the difference? I don''t get it," Margaret said.

    "Demon condoms are heat resistant," he said.

    "Why?" I asked.

    "During peak arousal, demon bodies generate enough heat to create micro tears in human condoms. You might as well have not used condoms at all," he said.

    "Oh, yikes," I said.

    "The handbook didn''t say anything about that! It just said ''use appropriate contraception''. How was I supposed to know what that meant?" she said.

    "The reason it says that is most demons would just go down to their local pharmacy or grocery store to get contraceptives. Not go all the way to Earth to get them," he said. "Demons can''t just teleport to Earth like he can." He pointed at me.

    "Oh, so it''s my fault now, is it?" I said.

    "We don''t need to point fingers. Right now we need solutions," he said. He pointed at Margaret. "For you to have the best chance of surviving this pregnancy, the cafeteria will be delivering a full course meal to you every thirty minutes. It will be your job to eat as much food and drink as many fluids as you can. If you don''t, the fetus will starve you to death, and then it will die too when it runs out of nutrients."

    Dr Peter turned to me. "It''s your job to stay by her side as much as she needs you to. If she dismisses you, you can go, but only if she allows it. This will be the most difficult pregnancy in the history of pregnancies. She will need your emotional support."

    "Ok," I said.

    "I''m ready," Margaret said.

    "Some nurses will move you to a hospital room. While sticking things inside you has been fun, there are other people desperately in need of emergency care. I''ve been getting injuries from the Circles all day. That''s not even mentioning the bodies. So many people have dropped dead with no explanation or apparent cause," he said.

    "Before you transfer her, can we have a moment alone?" I asked.

    I could tell him why so many demons have been dying, but I don''t know what good it would do him and it would just lead to more questions I didn''t have time to answer. It had already been long enough.

    If I left now, I might be lucky enough to save Sarah, but I''d have to go soon. I didn''t know how long it took to steal the magic energy from demon deals, and not knowing meant I needed to leave sooner rather than later.

    "I already know what you''re going to say, and the answer is no," she said.

    "Margaret. I need to save her. We grew up together. She''s my oldest friend. I love you. You are my heart and soul, but if I don''t save her, her immortal soul will never forgive me, and I will have to face those repercussions," I said.

    "You will be fine. I know it. All you have to do is eat, drink, piss, and shit for the next twenty-four hours or so."

    "What if you die? You said a dangerous killer is after her. If you die, you''ll be gone for two-thirds of a day. I need your emotional support, and you can''t miss the birth of our child. I swear I''ll never forgive if you do that," she said.

    "I won''t die. And even if I do, the longest my resurrection can take is twenty hours. I''ll be back for the birth of our child. I promise," I said, kissing her hand.

    "Don''t kiss my hand. If you think you can sweet talk me into getting your way, you are sorely mistaken," she said. "I''m serious this time. How many times have I let you leave when I needed you?"

    "A few," I said, looking away and scratching my head.

    "Try over a dozen," Margaret said. "And those were only because you had to save the world."

    "That''s the thing. This might be another one of those times. I don''t have enough information to be sure, but my gut says this is another apocalypse rearing its head," I said.

    "David," Margaret said.

    "Yes, Margaret?" I asked.

    "If you miss the birth of your child, not only are we breaking up, but you will never see them. Ever," she said.

    "I knew you''d understand," I said, kissing her on the forehead.

    "David. I mean it. It will hurt me as much as it hurts you for me to leave. Don''t make me do it," she said.

    "I promise, babe. When have I ever broken a promise?" I said.

    She opened her mouth and breathed in deep.

    "Don''t answer that! Do not answer that!" I said. "I will be back though. I will tear through the fabric of reality to get back to you if I have to."

    "Ok," Margaret said. She stared at me for a few seconds. "Go! Save your friend!"

    "Thank you," I said. "I love you," I said.

    "I know," she said, smiling.

    I teleported away to Sarah''s house. I knew I wasn''t the most reliable partner. I wasn''t blind to it, but I had a lot of responsibility. I was not only in charge of keeping Hell running but also preventing any and all apocalypses that came Earth''s way, no matter how big or small.

    Luckily, nothing incredibly major or difficult to handle had come my way in the last three years. One notable incident, in terms of how strange it was, is I had to reduce the unicorn population. They were multiplying too fast and becoming an issue for a lot of European countries. They had even become a problem in the United States and Canada.

    Not to go too far into the weeds with it, but they were an invasive species that, while beautiful and magical, wreaked havoc on the surrounding wildlife. They felt threatened easily and used their powerful horn on everything. Beavers, badgers, even squirrels. One of them, I had to trap, so I could remove all the dead rotting squirrels off its horn. The rot was getting into its eyes and slowly blinding it.

    Instead of straight up killing any of the creatures, I simply relocated a large amount of them to Hell. I figured Hell''s treacherous ecosystem and deadly wildlife would take care of the problem naturally. And it did, to a point.

    All the normal unicorns died off, but in their place, spawned a new species I called dire unicorns. They''re two times the size of a normal unicorn, with red skin and fur. Extremely dangerous. If you see one, even if it''s a mile away, run.

    If they spot you, they will catch up to you. They will poke you in the butt with their horn. While that sounds fun and nice, it''s not. It will hurt. A lot. And you will die.

    I popped into Sarah''s mother''s living room. Sarah was hog-tied in the center of the living room, naked. There was a glowing red magic circle around her, decorated with demonic symbols and candles. There was a man dressed like a certain professor slash adventurer who recovered dangerous artifacts and stuck them in museums, but without the hat.

    He had what appeared to be a brand on his neck. It comprised thick wavy interlocking lines and loops that ended at sharp points. It wasn''t demonic. I couldn''t read demonic yet, but I knew what it looked like and this wasn''t it. Could''ve been heavenly or Celtic. I wasn''t sure.

    The candles were probably just lighting he was using to see what he was doing, because they weren''t placed in any sort of pattern. They were just haphazardly strewn about. He must not have brought his own candles, because I recognized a scented candle I bought as a present for Sarah many years ago in high school.

    We weren''t dating yet. We were just friends, but we would get each other birthday and Christmas presents. I think my mom made me do it when I was in elementary school and then I just started doing it out of habit and she reciprocated. I couldn''t believe she hadn''t used it yet or thrown it out. Why was she still holding onto it?

    Regardless, this strange man was performing the ritual to remove a demon deal and steal its magical energy, which would kill Sarah and another demon, Harvey. Not that I had much care for him, but not even he deserved to die. Although, he didn''t have a fate much better than death, with him being submerged in the Earth''s core for the next 9,997 years.

    "Hey, you, asshole! Stop what you''re doing and pick on someone your own size! She''s done nothing to you. Also, was the stripping necessary? Nowhere in the handbook does it say the target has to be naked for the ritual to work. I feel like you just did that because you wanted to," I said. I pulled out sword Steve. He made a ''woom'' sound as he moved through the air.

    "That''s not my name!" he roared.

    I gave him a confused look. "I didn''t think it was. I''m using it as a descriptor, you weirdo!"

    "Whatever! Back down! I''m warning you. If we fight, you will regret it," he said.

    "Why? Are you some sort of secret badass I''m not aware of?" I asked.

    "Because of this and this," he said, pulling out a necklace with a medallion on it similar to the ones Harvey made. It had the symbol of a buff arm on it. I could only assume that meant it made him stronger. And then he pointed at the brand on his neck.

    "Ok. I get what the medallion does, but what does the brand do? You point at it like I''m supposed to know what that is," I said.

    "You don''t?" he asked, looking disappointed.

    "Sorry, dude. You''re not as famous as you think you are. Get over it. We all have to come to that realization sooner or later," I said.

    "Ok. Then I''ll just show you what it does," he said, taking a fighting stance.

    I didn''t know what he thought he was going to do without a weapon against a guy with a sword made of white light. That should have clued me in to how screwed I was, but at the time, I just thought he was crazy.

    "Hey, Steve? Are you ready to kick some ass?" I asked the sword.

    "I sure am!" he said.

    The man yelled, and I yelled, and the sword yelled as we ran at each other, preparing to fight.

 Ch 30: The Mark

    After the man and I had dramatically rushed at each other, I swung at his neck and he punched at my stomach. When sword Steve hit his neck, nothing happened. I mean, there was a slight indent in the skin where the sword was pressing against his neck, but no damage occurred.

    Then there was me. I coughed up warm liquid into my mouth. It tasted coppery. It was blood. I looked down to see his fist had punched through my stomach.

    I felt something extremely painful. It felt like my spine was being crushed. It took me a few seconds to realize that was exactly what was happening. He had grabbed hold of my spine through my stomach and was crushing it in his fist. When he finished crushing it, my legs went out. I was paralyzed from the waist down.

    I pulled my head up and started crawling along the ground towards Sarah. I knew I was going to die, but that didn''t matter to me anymore. He stomped on my leg, breaking it, and then kept his foot on it. I couldn''t feel the break. I just heard it. It didn''t sound very good, but that was the least of my worries right now.

    Sarah was screaming through the gag he had put on her mouth. I couldn''t move any closer to Sarah with his dumb foot on my leg. She finally loosened the gag on her mouth enough to talk around it.

    "Ele''or!" she yelled at me. "Ele''or, Ay!"

    She kept screaming the same thing over and over "Ele''or" and "Ay," whatever each of those words were supposed to mean. Then the dude standing on me started a monologue.

    "God has kept me on this Earth long enough! It''s finally my time! Who are you to stand in my way?" he said.

    I didn''t answer him. I was focusing on figuring out what "Ele''or" and "Ay" meant. They seemed important. They were important enough for Sarah to struggle to remove her gag and then continuously scream her lungs out at me with just those two words.

    While in severe pain that I was slowly dying from thanks to my apparent super toughness that wasn''t actually invincibility, I tried to think. What letters do gags prevent you from saying? I quickly ran through the alphabet sounding out the letters. "Ah," "Buh," "Cuh," "Duh¡ª"

    "Are you having a stroke?" the man asked. I don''t like to see jokes get reused in media. It really bothers me. But I''m just reporting the facts. That''s what he said!

    "No! I''m trying to think," I said.

    "Well, think quietly! I''m trying to use you as a sounding board for my feelings about God," he said. "So God," blah blah blah. I stopped listening again. He was like Lucifer before therapy, except worse. At least Lucifer kept it to a couple paragraphs at most. This guy had written a speech.

    Ok, back to thinking. I realized most of the vowels could still be used, except ''U'' when you tried to use the ''you'' sound. But you couldn''t use most consonants. So the missing letters had to be consonants. That didn''t help me much. The alphabet was mostly consonants.

    After going down the list again, when I hit ''D'' I realized that "Ay" was "Dave." Ok. If "Ay" was "Dave," then she must be telling me to do something. The "Ele''or" was a verb, an action. What was she telling me to do that she thought I could do in this moment?

    I went down the list again until I hit "T." I was just replacing all the consonant sounds with a single letter. So "Beleborb," "Deledord," and several others came out before I hit "Teletort." And then it finally clicked. How could I be so dumb? How could it have taken this many paragraphs of thought for me to figure out what she was saying? She was telling me to "teleport."

    I had forgot that I could not only teleport long distances, but I could teleport short distances too. I didn''t need my legs!

    So that''s what I did. I teleported behind Sarah and cut the ropes, keeping her from moving. She got up and said, "Thanks, Dave." The ropes fell off her body, revealing her fully nude form.

    "You''re welcome, but what are you going to do now? You''re naked," I said.

    "Run out the door, of course!" she said.

    "Naked?" I asked.

    "A girl''s gotta do what a girl''s gotta do to survive sometimes, Dave. You should try it sometime," she said.

    "I''ll get right on that," I said, bleeding onto the floor slightly from the massive hole in my stomach.

    "No matter! You still can''t escape the circle! It allows people in, but not out! You''re both trapped!" the man yelled.

    I looked down. I was lying on part of the glowing red circle. "This circle?" I asked, as I wiped my hand through the concentric lines and demonic symbols.

    "No!" he yelled.

    The circle went dark. It stopped glowing. I looked at Sarah, who was still standing there. "Run!" I yelled. "I''ll stall him!"

    I teleported over the man''s head and swung my sword at his face. It bounced off his thick skull, but it messed with his vision. The light blinded him. That gave me an idea. I teleported over him, but behind him this time. I held the sword against his face while using my limp body as leverage.

    He twisted around blindly, trying to grab me. "Ah! Get off!" he yelled.

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    "No!" I said. "Steve, can we get some extra light please?"

    "Yes, sir!" the sword said, brightening by over three times.

    "I can''t see! Stop!" the man said.

    "That''s the point!" I said.

    "Argh!"

    I couldn''t see either, but I heard the front door unlock, open, and then slam shut. And then I remembered once more what an idiot I was. I could have just teleported Sarah away with me this whole time. Well, at least after I destroyed the circle.

    I teleported outside the house and yelled, "Sarah! Grab me! We''ll teleport away!" As I heard the door open again.

    "No!" the man yelled.

    I felt someone grab my arm, and I instantly teleported both of us back to the hospital, right into the emergency room. They were just starting to move Margaret''s bed out of the room when a severely wounded me, and a buck naked Sarah appeared in the air and plopped on the ground.

    I blinked my eyes. I could see again. I looked up and saw Margaret with a furious look on her face, staring daggers at me. "What?" I asked.

    "Why is Sarah naked? What were you doing?" she fumed.

    "Nothing, I swear! The weird killer guy stripped her for some reason! Don''t ask me why!" I said, and then things started to go dark. I had lost too much blood. I was about to pass out.

    It was only my super toughness keeping me from passing out as soon as he punched through my stomach and broke my spine, but the blood loss was beginning to become too much for even my super toughness to handle.

    "He''s wounded! Get him on a table!" a nurse yelled.

    Then, once again, it was lights out.

    I woke up the ICU hooked up to a big machine. A bunch of tubes were going into my stomach and circulating material through the machine and then through other tubes into my body. I think the machine was acting like my digestive system. I had never seen such technology on Earth, but if they had external gestation chambers, why wouldn''t they have whatever this was?

    A nurse walked through the sliding door and came up to me. She checked my vitals and said, "Your replacement organs and the crushed portion of your spinal column will be ready in a couple hours."

    "I hate saying ''what'' like an idiot, but what? Replacement organs? How can you make them that fast? Are they organic or machines?" I asked.

    "It''s fine. You''re still new to our medical system. We haven''t seen you in here before, so I''m assuming you''ve been using Lucifer''s primordial ooze pit to revive?" she said.

    "Yeah. Couldn''t I just use that?" I said.

    "You showed up here alive. It was our duty to save you. And we did. We''re not allowed to kill people, but in order to use the primordial pit, you''d have to die. Also, it takes too long to regenerate your entire body. We can regenerate parts and replace them much faster. And you seemed to be fighting someone. Wouldn''t you rather recover faster so you can get out there and fight them again sooner?" she said.

    "Ok. Can I see my girlfriend?" I said.

    She sighed. "We can''t move you from this machine and she''s not really supposed to leave her medical room. She''s supposed to be eating and drinking or in the bathroom constantly for the next 24 hours or so. She doesn''t really have time to come visit you. Besides, she''s still upset with you for leaving and almost getting killed."

    "Did she say that?" I asked.

    "No, but she didn''t have to. We women can sense these things," she said.

    "Right. Ok, so I just hang out here for a couple more hours and then go into surgery?" I said.

    "Basically. There''s just one little hiccup we have to discuss. We know how to synthesize demon parts, but not human parts. Not yet, at least. We never had to treat a living human before," she said.

    "What, so I''ll be part demon?" I asked.

    "Only temporarily, until we can find a way to synthesize human parts. Speaking of, we are going to need harvest some of your blood when you''re feeling up to it," she said.

    "Can I talk to my girlfriend first? I don''t know how she''d feel about this? Maybe just a phone call?" I asked.

    "A phone call should be fine," she said. She went to leave. "I''ll let you make your phone call. You have two hours to make your decision. If the organs finish before you''re ready, they''ll go to someone else," she said.

    "Why? I don''t like to do this, but don''t I have priority because of who I am? I mean, the fate of the world could be on the line," I said.

    "You could order us to hold on to them for you, but that is not our way, and that is not the old Devil''s way. You may face public backlash for it," she warned.

    "What is the demon way, then?" I asked.

    "Socialist medicine. From each according to their health, to each according to their wounds," she said.

    "Huh. Ok, I''ll make my decision within the two hour time limit," I said.

    "Very well," she said and left the room.

    I felt the sensation of my ears popping as Lucifer teleported right next to my bed. I rubbed my ears. "Ow! Do you have to do that so close?" I said.

    "Sorry. I''m still trying to figure out how to teleport to you without practically teleporting inside you," he said.

    "Please don''t do that. I''d rather not have you inside me, thank you," I said.

    "Of course. It shall not come to pass," he said, grinning. "Now, I heard you were injured and this giant machine confirms it. What happened? Why didn''t your invincibility work?"

    "Because it''s not invincibility. It''s super toughness," I said, wincing from the machine.

    "What''s the difference?" he asked.

    "One makes you immune to harm, and the other makes you resistant to harm. Really powerful things can still get through the second one," I said, adjusting myself in my bed so I could look at him better. "Can you move slightly farther away towards the foot of my bed? It''ll be easier on my neck."

    "Yeah, sure," he said, moving down to the foot of my bed. "Better?"

    "Much," I said.

    "Ok, so if something or someone got through your super toughness, and did this to you, they must be super strong. Like stronger than Steve strong," Lucifer said.

    "He was," I said.

    "Do you know who he is?" he asked.

    "No, but he had an identify mark," I said.

    "Like what? And where?" Lucifer said, narrowing his eyes. He was thinking about something, but he wasn''t saying what.

    "On his neck. It looked like a brand of some sort. A lot of wavy and looping lines," I said.

    "Did it look like this?" Lucifer said, holding and looping his fingers together in a sort of gang sign. He had too many fingers all of a sudden and they were longer, too. But it did look like the same symbol.

    "Yeah, that''s it. Can you change your hands back to normal? That visual is hurting my eyes and my brain," I said, rubbing my eyes.

    "Sure," he said, as his hands changed back. "So the good news is I know who it is. The bad news is I know who it is."

    "Ok, give me the good news first," I said, messing with him.

    "They''re both the same news, you moron!" he said.

    "I know. I''m just being an asshole. My spine was crushed in that guy''s hand," I said. "I''m allowed."

    "Fine. Be that way," he said. "His name is Cain."

    "Like Cain and Abel, Cain?" I asked. I''d heard of him, but I didn''t know his whole story. I knew he murdered his brother Abel, but that''s it. I didn''t know anything about him being immortal or super tough. "How is he still alive?"

    "The Mark of Cain. He was the first human to murder another human. So my father put a mark on him that turned him into a true immortal, cursed to walk the Earth for eternity. He doesn''t age, and he can''t be hurt or poisoned or get sick. He is truly invincible," Lucifer said.

    "Oh shit," I said. How was I going to stop this guy if he couldn''t be hurt at all? And he had a super strength medallion? Drown him in concrete?

 Ch 31: Apology and Preparation

    "How am I going to stop Cain from killing people and stealing the magic from their demon deals if he''s unkillable and super strong?" I asked Lucifer.

    "He''s doing what? And he''s super strong? Explain," Lucifer said.

    "Yeah, so the Steves and I detected some unusual murders occurring on Earth. Famous people were dying in droves and they had no connection to each other aside from being famous. So we figured out all the victims had demon deals," I said.

    "Then when I was reading a handbook, I realized you can steal the magic from a demon deal, but it results in the death of the human and the demon involved. And a ton of demons have been dying in the Circles of Hell lately with no apparent cause."

    "It all lines up to say he''s stealing the magic and keeping it for something big. I don''t know what it is, but it can''t be good and it might be apocalyptic, so I have to stop him. And he has a super strength medallion. What do I do?"

    "I don''t know what you can do, but one idea would be to get that medallion away from him. Once you do that, he''s a normal strength invincible dude. Then you can just throw him in the ocean or something," Lucifer said.

    "That''s easy to say, but the first time I fought him, he punched a hole in my stomach and crushed my spine. I don''t know if I can get the medallion away from him. I wish I knew what he was trying to do. That might give me another avenue to pursue," I said, rubbing my chin.

    "I can tell you that. That part''s easy to figure out," Lucifer said.

    "Yeah? Do tell," I said, leaning forward and regretting it. It hurt to try to use my abdominal muscles or what was left of them.

    "He hates my father for the curse he put on him. He''s trying to get rid of the curse," Lucifer said.

    "The curse?" I asked.

    "The curse of true immortality. The Mark of Cain, as it''s called," Lucifer said.

    "Oh. So he wants to die?" I said.

    "Yeah. He''s wanted that for millennia," Lucifer said.

    "Ok. What happens if he removes the mark?" I said.

    "I don''t know. You''d have to ask my father that," he said.

    "Right. I''m in no shape to travel to Heaven right now," I said, coughing.

    "I can see that," Lucifer said. "What are they going to do for you?"

    "They''re making replacement parts right now, but they''re demon parts. They said they need time to figure out how to synthesize human parts for me," I said.

    "Interesting. I wonder what that will do," he said.

    "What do you mean?" I asked.

    "Well, demons aren''t humans, so you might have some side effects. I just don''t know what they could be," he said.

    "Great," I said.

    "Hey, maybe you''ll grow a second one," he said, excitedly.

    "Do demons have two?" I said, worried.

    "No," he said plainly.

    "Then why would I grow a second one?" I said, raising an eyebrow.

    He shrugged. "I don''t know. It was just a thought. Don''t bite my head off."

    "Ok. Hey, I''ve been meaning to ask you what happened to that woman you stole from Heaven?"

    "Linda? She''s in Heaven now. My father made her a perfect place by a lake. She''s at peace now," he said.

    "Did she forgive you for what you did?" I asked.

    "I didn''t ask her forgiveness yet," Lucifer said, looking away.

    "Why not?" I asked.

    "I don''t think I could handle the rejection if she says no," he said.

    "You can ask your father for forgiveness, but not a human woman?" I asked.

    "Exactly! I knew my father would forgive me. He is the embodiment of love and forgiveness itself. A human woman, even one who made it to heaven, can still choose to hold on to a grudge. I just can''t deal with that right now," he said.

    "Why? What''s happening now?" I asked.

    "I don''t know. Some guy keeps trying to summon me, and he won''t leave me alone. It takes my full concentration to deny a summon with as much sophistication as the ones he''s making," Lucifer said.

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    "Why don''t you just go and talk to him? Do you even know who he is?" I asked.

    "No! That''s why I don''t want to go! What if he tries to trap me or something?" Lucifer said.

    "I guess that''s a valid concern," I said. "I understand. Take your time asking Linda for forgiveness, but please do it eventually. Can I ask that of you?"

    "Yeah, ok. I''ll do it eventually. Right after this guy stops ''missed calling'' me," Lucifer said.

    "Deal?" I said, putting out my hand.

    "Deal," he said, starting to move his hand towards mine. Then he paused. "Ah, I see what you''re doing. You''re trying to make a binding deal with me, so I have to do it."

    "Is that so wrong?" I smiled innocently.

    "Yes, it''s wrong! I can''t believe I''m having to tell you this to you, of all people, Dave. Manipulating people with or without magic is wrong," he said.

    "If you say so," I said, looking at my fingernails. I really needed to clip them.

    "Don''t you ''if you say so'' me! I invented that!" he yelled.

    "Ok, ok. I''ll try my best not to manipulate you in the future," I said.

    "Deal?" he said, putting out his hand.

    "Wait a minute. You''re trying to do the exact thing you just scolded me for!" I said.

    "And?" he asked.

    "And you''re a hypocrite is what!" I said.

    "I may be a hypocrite, but at least I''m willing to admit it," he said.

    "Are you implying I''m a hypocrite?" I asked.

    "What makes you think that?" he asked.

    "That''s not answering the question," I said.

    "I think we''re at an impasse, so I''m gonna go," Lucifer said, pointing behind him with his thumb.

    "Don''t you dare¡ª" Lucifer teleported out of the room, "leave," I said.

    I heaved a long sigh. Even with a ton of therapy, Lucifer was still Lucifer. That was something I could rely on. If only Margaret could rely on me. I''ve proven to be a fairly unreliable partner over the last three years, and I didn''t like where it left us.

    I wanted to be the man she wanted me to be. I wanted to be responsible and prioritize our relationship, but emergencies always came up. I didn''t know what to do. Would I have to choose my relationship over saving the world sometimes?

    That''s what it looked like I''d have to do. And that wasn''t easy. It''s not like God or Keir was getting on my case about it much. But I always felt the need to solve the world''s problem just in case it became apocalyptic. Maybe I needed to let the world solve its own problems sometimes.

    If I kept trying to save the world every time it stubbed its toe, I would not only lose Margaret but also our future child. And while I never considered myself responsible enough to be a father, now I had no choice. I had to be a father, and I had to be a responsible one.

    I wasn''t going to end up a depressed divorced dad who never gets to see his kid because he squandered all the opportunities he had to show up as a husband and a father. I wouldn''t allow it. I refused.

    Maybe I needed to let this Cain thing go. All he was trying to do is removed a mark that made it so he couldn''t die. That wasn''t apocalyptic. The thing that bothered me the most was he was killing humans and demons.

    I''d text Officer Drew and inform him of the situation and give him a list of the names of people with demon deals in the area. Maybe he could get the people to a safe place to prevent Cain from getting to them.

    On that note, I pulled out my phone and texted Officer Drew. I told him everything I told Lucifer and even had the Steves send him a list of the demon deals in the area to protect them. I made him promise me he wouldn''t punish them for having deals, and if he did, there would be severe consequences.

    After that I called Margaret. She answered on the third ring. "Yes?"

    "Margaret, I''m sorry I let you down all the time," I said.

    "You''re always sorry. What makes this time any different?" she said.

    "I''m sorry, and I don''t want to be sorry anymore. I want to be different. I want to be a proper partner. I called the police and gave them everything they need to stop the killer. I''m taking myself off the case. As soon as I''m better, I''ll be by your side until our child is born," I said.

    "I promise for real this time. I don''t care what happens. I will be there for you. Even if the apocalypse truly does happen, I will stay because you are far more important to me than the world. You are my world. I love you and I want you to feel safe and cared for. Please, give me one more chance. I won''t let you down."

    "Wow. I''ve never heard you be this serious before. Are you sure you''re alright? Did they give you any drugs?" she said.

    "No. And I feel fine. They have me hooked up to this machine that''s acting as my damaged organs. They''re going to replace them in a couple hours," I said.

    "With what?" she asked.

    "Demon organs. Apparently, they can''t synthesize human organs yet, but when they figure it out, they''ll replace the demon parts with human parts and I''ll be back to normal," I said.

    "Huh. What''s the success rate of an operation like this?" she said.

    "I don''t know. They didn''t say. I assume I''ll have to take antirejection meds, though," I said.

    "Make sure you ask them what they think the chances of success are. If they say anything less than 70%, I wouldn''t do it," she said, sounding worried.

    "Babe. I''m hooked up to a massive machine. It''s either demon parts or I have to stay in the ICU until they figure out how to make human parts. And who knows how long that will take? I could miss the birth of our child," I said.

    "If it''ll get you to me faster, I suppose it''s alright," she said.

    "Ok. I''ll let you know how it goes," I said.

    "Good. And yes, I''ll give you another chance. Thank you for finally understanding you need to change," she said. "I don''t know how much more I could handle of you always leaving and not knowing if you''d ever come back."

    "Thank you. I''m sure it was hard," I said.

    "It was. Well, I have to get back to pooping. I have to make room for my next meal," she said.

    "Gross!" I said.

    "Oh, shut up," she said, and hung up the phone.

    I guess that was that then. In under two hours, I''d go in for surgery to get my organs replaced and I''d be able to spend the rest of the pregnancy with Margaret. I was excited.

    We hadn''t been able to spend quality time together in a while. I was always either away working or working from home in my study. I was a busy man, but I realized now that I was simply putting too many things on my plate. It didn''t have to be like that.

    I spent the next two hours looking up demon handbooks on my hell phone and reading bits and pieces of them. Eventually, I''d have to sit down and read them from beginning to end, but I didn''t have the attention span for that right now.

    Before I knew it, two hours was over and the nurse came back in to the ICU. "Have you decided if you''re going through with the surgery?"

    "Yes. I want to go through with it," I said.

    "First, I''ll take a bit of your blood for our human organ synthesis research. It won''t be much. Not enough to negatively affect the surgery. We''ll be taking all the damaged organs we''re replacing for our research as well," she said.

    She took my blood, and then she wheeled my bed down some hallways into the operating room. They put me under anesthesia for the surgery. I closed my eyes and waited for unconsciousness to come, hoping I''d be opening my eyes again very soon.

 Ch 32: Reconciliation

    I woke up in a hospital bed in a normal hospital room. My vitals were displayed on a monitor next to my bed. I lifted up my hospital gown expecting to see a suture with stitches, but instead there was just a circular patch of red demonic skin where Cain had punched through my stomach. They must have used demon skin for a skin graft. The skin was smoother and shinier than my human skin. It glinted in the light.

    A nurse came into the room. "Oh, you''re awake. Good. How do you feel?"

    "Fine," I said, because I did. I felt more than fine. I felt good.

    "Good. As expected," she said, writing something on my chart.

    "Why do I feel so good? And why are there no sutures?" I asked.

    "We used the CRA machine on your abdomen. It accelerates the rate of cellular regeneration in the area of focus. We wouldn''t consider using it on a human because it also ages your cells in the process, but you don''t age, so it was fine," she said.

    "Demons don''t age either?" I asked.

    "Not past maturity, no. We can accumulate injuries or be killed, but we don''t age," she said. "Helps with the whole keeping sinners down here for eternity, bit."

    "Right," I said. "Does that mean I''m healed? Am I good to go see Margaret?"

    "Yes, you are cleared to leave. You can get dressed and I''ll discharge you," she said.

    "But aren''t my clothes bloody and destroyed?" I asked.

    "Your original clothes are, yes. We have a spare set of clothes for you. It''s just underwear, sweatpants, a t-shirt, and socks. Nothing fancy like you were wearing," she said.

    "That''s fine. I just can''t wait to see my girlfriend scarf down tons of food," I smiled.

    "Ha," she said. "That''s funny. I''ll get the paperwork. You get dressed."

    I got dressed, and she came back into the room. She made me sign some papers saying I felt fine and that the hospital had no further responsibility to care for me once I walked out of my hospital room.

    "Where''s Margaret?" I asked.

    "She''s in room 4E," she said. "Just down the hallway on the right." She pointed.

    "Thanks," I said, walking towards the room. As I got closer, I began to hear strange noises. They got louder as I got closer, until I walked into the room and realized they were just the sounds of Margaret eating quickly.

    She was slurping down food like mad. She was currently going after some spaghetti and shoveling noodles into her mouth and sucking the noodles hanging outside into her mouth.

    She looked at me with a face covered in red pasta sauce and said, "What?"

    "Nothing," I laughed. "You just have a little sauce on your face. That''s all."

    "Oh." She took a napkin and wiped it off. "Better?"

    "Yes," I said sitting down in a chair next to her bed.

    I must have been smiling at her, because she looked at me, and said, "What''s got you so happy? I never see you smile anymore."

    "I''m just so happy to be here with you and free of this saving the world burden. You have no idea the toll it took on me to be away from you for so long," I said.

    "Oh, I think I have an idea. It probably hurt as much as it hurt me," she said, spooning pudding into her mouth.

    "I really am sorry. I''ve just developed this need to feel useful lately. It all started when I saved the world the first time. I just felt so needed, and I became addicted to it. It replaced my desire for alcohol, and I''ve been chasing it ever since," I said.

    Margaret put her hand in mine and squeezed. "I understand. It''s not easy to get rid of addictions. I''m not even sure it''s possible to quit every addiction, at least for an addict. You just replace the bad addictions with better ones."

    "Ain''t that the truth," I said. "Maybe, I can become addicted to growing our family. A day ago I would''ve said I had no interest in starting a family, but now that it''s on its way, I couldn''t feel happier and more excited."

    "I know, right? I feel the same way. What do you want to name him?" she said.

    "Him? You already know the sex?" I asked.

    "Mhmm. It''s going to be a beautiful cambion boy. I was told a demon-human hybrid is called a cambion," she said, looking down at her now four months pregnant looking stomach.

    "Cambion. It has a nice ring to it," I said. "How do you feel about Josh?"

    "Pfft! Josh! Yeah, our kid''s going to be named Josh," she laughed.

    "What do you want to call him?" I asked, unperturbed. Discussion was good.

    "Sorry for laughing. Josh just sounds so normal," she said.

    "You want our son to have an abnormal name? He''s going to get made fun of enough for being half human. You want him to get beat up now too?" I asked.

    "No, but I like your name. I like the idea of him having a fancy first name that he doesn''t use and just calling him by his normal middle name. Like you," she said, biting into a banana. Don''t worry, she peeled it first. She''s not a psycho.

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    "That''s very sweet, but do you really think that''ll be the best for his social development?" I asked.

    "I don''t know. I wasn''t bullied in school, but I wasn''t a boy either. Do boys get bullied more than girls?" she said.

    "No, just differently. Girls bully other girls socially with minor physicality, and boys generally do a little social bullying with a lot of physicality," I said.

    "Wow, you seem to know a lot about bullying," she said.

    "Let''s just say I didn''t go to the best schools," I said, wincing. That wasn''t something I wanted to think about right now. Charlie was the last thing I wanted to be thinking about now, or ever. Or any of my other bullies, for that matter.

    "Well, technically you''re allowed to make the rules whatever you want them to be in Hell. So I think you should just punish anyone who bullies our child and choose whatever name we want," she said.

    "That''s a little power trippy, don''t you think?" I asked.

    "I think if someone bullies our child, they deserve to be punished," she said.

    "I think so too. I just don''t know if we should take the law into our own hands," I said.

    "Honey. How many times have you saved the world? You take the law into your own hands all the time!" she said.

    "That''s true. I guess I just felt like it''s different in Hell. I have a responsibility to be just. On Earth, I do whatever the hell I want to get the job done," I said.

    "Why can''t you do that in Hell too? Aside from your questionable focus on our relationship, you make great decisions. Especially as a leader. What''s wrong with taking the reins in this dimension, like you do on Earth?" she said.

    "I guess it''s not so wrong. If I think about it, the only reason I feel uncomfortable doing it here is because I live here. I have to see the people who might hate me every day. But that''s the coward''s way out. If I want to make positive change, I need to actually change things," I said.

    "That''s what I think," she said.

    "Ok. That''s what I''ll do. If any of the other kids bully or beat up our son, I''ll kick the shit out of them," I said.

    "Whoa! Who said anything about violence?" she said.

    "I''ll send them into one of the Circles of Hell?" I asked.

    "Suspension, my dear. You can suspend them from school. Or expel them if it gets really bad. We don''t have to put kids in the hospital to get our point across," she said, squeezing my hand again. She had such soft hands. I never seemed to notice that.

    "Right," I said. "That makes more sense."

    "Although, the mental image of you kicking the shit out of a bunch of mean children is hilarious!" she laughed.

    "Right? That''s what I was going for," I laughed.

    "You do know how to make me laugh, Dave. I know I haven''t said it much, because I''ve been so cross with you, but I love you dearly. I love you more than life itself," she said, pulling my hand up to her mouth and kissing it.

    "Now, you''re kissing my hand and trying to talk sweet to me? What is the world coming to?" I asked.

    "Hey. I''m capable of realizing when I''ve gone too far, and I''ll admit, I have been a bit too harsh over the last twelve hours or so," she said.

    "A bit? You were so mean you almost made me cry! If I wasn''t such a big strong man, I would''ve bawled my eyes out over our last few conversations," I said, smiling.

    "Right," she said, winking. "I bet you didn''t cry because you were too busy pissing your pants."

    "Hey! That''s not my fault! You''re scary when you''re mad. Speaking of being mad, what happened to Sarah?" I asked.

    "I hear she''s in a hospital bed somewhere sleeping her ordeal off. She went through quite the traumatic experience," she said, eating more pudding.

    "Who''s fault is that?" I said, putting my hands on my hips.

    "Ok, you''re right. I was too harsh and I may have been over prioritizing my safety over hers, but in my defense, I thought you were cheating on me," she said, putting more pudding in her mouth innocently.

    "You thought what? Why would you ever think that?" I asked.

    "Female hormones do things to your brain, ok? You should try it sometime," she said.

    "People keep telling me that," I said, remembering Sarah''s earlier remark.

    "Speaking of the ordeal with Sarah, how did some guy almost kill you? Aren''t you supposed to be invincible?" Margaret asked.

    "I found out recently that I''m not. I''m just super tough. And apparently, that guy is the most powerful human on Earth," I said.

    "How come?" she said, popping grapes into her mouth.

    "Well, he''s the only true immortal on Earth for one, and he has some sort of extremely powerful super strength medallion. I really need to learn how those work or get made. Being able to make them myself would be really useful in combating stronger opponents," I said.

    "I know how they''re made. I''ll tell you, but first you tell me who that guy is. Saying he''s the only true immortal is vague in the most infuriating movie way possible," she said.

    "Ok. His name is Cain. He''s the first murderer and he was given a mark by God to walk the Earth forever," I said.

    "You fought Cain? No wonder you got your ass kicked. What''s he doing getting involved with you, though? I thought he fell in a ditch somewhere and couldn''t get out. He''s been missing for hundreds of years," she said, peeling an orange. Man, they really gave her a lot of fruit.

    "Maybe he''s really good at hide and go seek. I don''t know. I do know what he''s up to now, though. He wants to remove his mark, and he''s killing celebrities and demons to do it," I said.

    "How?" she asked.

    "He''s stealing the magic from demon deals," I said. Then I looked at her. "You don''t have any demon deals out there, do you?"

    "No. I''m a desk jockey. I''ve never even been to Earth. I''ve only ever read or seen videos about it," she said.

    "Oh, thank God. I was worried for a second," I said.

    "Hey, we don''t use that word, remember?" she said.

    "I''m the Devil now, remember? I can say whatever I want," I said.

    "Ok, fine, but what''s so great about this God guy anyway that humans are always thanking him?" she asked.

    "You know who Cain is, but you don''t know God?" I asked.

    "No, I know God, but everything I''ve ever read about him makes him seem like a bad guy. He banished humans from Paradise. He created disease, suffering, and death," she said.

    "He was always fighting Lucifer over something or other. He decimated Sodom and Gomorrah and killed everyone in them because he didn''t like the way they did things. He just sounds bad. So why do humans always thank him?"

    "I see. Lucifer must have limited the information about him, so you only ever saw him in a bad light. God''s done a lot of good things, too. He created humans. He made Heaven and Hell. I assume he created demons, but I don''t actually know. And he invented sex. What''s not to like?" I said, throwing up my hands.

    "That is a fair point. Sex is good," she said, nodding her head.

    "I''m glad we can at least agree on that," I said, smiling. "Wait. You said you knew how medallions are made. Dish."

    "Ok. I''ll tell you, but don''t talk about them to anyone else in Hell. They''re forbidden, and Lucifer made us stop bringing them up. He didn''t get rid of the texts on how they''re made, but we''re not supposed to speak about them in public. It would be like talking about making bombs on Earth," she said.

    "I see. Duly noted. Now dish," I said, grabbing a candy bar off her tray.

    "Hey, that''s mine!" she said.

    "I''m hungry," I said.

    "It''s for the child," she said. "You''re basically stealing candy from your own baby."

    "Ok, ok. You can have it back. It sounds really bad when you say it like that," I said, putting the candy bar back.

    "Thank you," she said. "Medallions are made using human souls as the power source. Their power level depends on how many souls you use, and they never run out of energy. Souls are infinite wells of energy."

    "I see. Well that prevents me from using them. I''m not about to use human souls to fuel my power. That''s totally messed up," I said.

    "That''s why we''re not supposed to talk about them," she said.

    "Makes sense. Well, good thing I''m off the case. I don''t have to worry about getting stronger now and fighting Cain anymore," I said.

    Part of that statement was correct, and part of it wasn''t. I wouldn''t find out until much later which one was which.

 Ch 33: The Child

    I won''t bore you with the entirety of the next 32 or so hours in a minute by minute report. As any good storyteller, I will give you the highlights. There is also something I''d like to clarify. These asides are not "fourth wall breaks." This is me, Dave''s, account of my time spent as Hell''s administrator and beyond, if I ever get there.

    I''m recording this for the next administrator¡ªif there ever is one¡ªso they can learn from my experiences and mistakes and hopefully escape like I hope I will. No one prepared me for this job. I simply took it over one day and somehow managed not to drown.

    This is my attempt to prepare and train my replacement, and give them some hope they won''t be stuck here forever. You may be thinking to yourself, "But Dave, your account is so entertaining and expertly written. How can I be certain this really happened and isn''t some trick meant to trap me further into the machinations of Heaven, Hell, and Purgatory?"

    I''ve left hints in this record that you are free to go and verify. Visit the Mole People. Or better yet, visit Mephistopheles. He''ll tell you I was real. But he may try to trap you into a deal in exchange. Don''t let him.

    Tell him Dave left you with powerful tools to punish him if he tries to trick you. And don''t worry, this won''t be a bluff. I will leave behind whatever I can to help you out of the predicament you find yourself in.

    Especially if it turns out the way I got out is by tricking you to take my place. You can skip to the end to find out what happened, but I implore you not to.

    Context is everything, and without the context of my entire journey, the end may not help you. Also, I''m designing this record to burn itself to ashes when the last page is read. We don''t want the powers that be to find this under your bed or in your desk drawer because you were careless. Don''t worry. I got you, friend.

    Now, let''s get back to what you''re here for. What happened next. I forced myself not to spend my time with Margaret working. I gave everyone in the control room three days off so I could be with Margaret and not feel bad that they were just sitting there waiting for me to show up.

    Officer Drew tried to call me several times, but I just texted him back explaining I''m waiting for the birth of my child, and he completely understood and stopped bothering me. Psyche! Contacting him through text just made him bother me through text messages instead.

    The man wrote an essay in text message format about what was going on and why he needed me to come back, but I explained to him there was nothing I could do. I sent the locations of every single demon deal that I had uploaded digitally when I entered office as administrator.

    There were some demon deals that I didn''t want to touch, because they looked so old that the paper might fall apart if I tried to put them through a copier.

    They were also on scrolls so wide and long that they couldn''t even be properly scanned without folding it several times and scanning it multiple times to get the whole image. I could theoretically read them by looking at them, but they were in demonic. The newer ones were at least in various Earth languages.

    I finally sent one last message telling him that the world could deal with its own problems for the next forty-eight hours. I had my own family to worry about. I was not about to lose my family over Earth''s problems.

    After I sent it, I saw that he was typing a message back, so I shut off my phone. I know I was being selfish, but I loved Margaret too much to lose her and our son. I wasn''t a martyr. I was the administrator of Hell.

    Oh, and I almost forgot. He was constantly reminding me he wasn''t "Officer Drew" anymore. He was Agent Drew, Head Liason to Hell. I still called him Officer Drew because I knew it annoyed him.

    I wasn''t dumb. I remembered his job had significantly expanded since we started working together. I was just a stinky butthole sometimes that liked to get on people''s nerves when they were bothering me.

    I played games with Margaret that didn''t require her to use her hands. Games we could play where I could move her pieces for her. We played a lot of ''Candy Kingdom'', and ''Stairs and Stripper Poles''.

    We also played ''The Game of Death''. It was all about building the best obituary you could in order to try to get into Heaven. There were different levels of success.

    It started at the Ninth Circle of Hell and went up from there. Purgatory and Heaven had their own layers, too. We only played a couple rounds, though. You could only play so much ''Death'' before it got old.

    She couldn''t use her hands because she was constantly using them to eat. I know it may seem like she was eating too much, but she really wasn''t. She had to grow a child that normally took nine months in two days.

    If anything, she was losing weight. Aside from the weight added by the child growing in her womb. She had put on a few pounds in the last few years, and she was slowly losing that.

    After we had gotten bored with games, we transitioned to discussing topics related to our coming son. We discussed names again. This took quite some time, as it should. If you come up with a name immediately, you probably haven''t thought long enough about it.

    We eventually settled on the most ridiculous name we could come up with. We were practically egging bullies on to mess with our son so they would have to reap the whirlwind.

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    "Chaos McDoom." Just kidding. That would be too ridiculous and probably accurate. We went with Fitzwilliam Elijah "Eli" Daverson. In this moment, I wished my last name was Daveson, so it could sound like his name was saying he was Dave''s son, which was true. But unfortunately it was not to be.

    We followed the pattern of my name like Margaret wanted. A fancy first name that would never be used unless we were angry at him, followed by a more normal middle name that could be shortened.

    Once we had finished choosing a name, we moved on to parenting styles. We wanted to be on the same page. Otherwise, you can confuse the child and have arguments that can end in divorce.

    Speaking of divorce, I didn''t really understand how things worked down here as far as that goes. They didn''t have marriage, but they had "lifelong partners."

    Was there a process to dissolve that or was that indeed lifelong? Never would I ever consider choosing a different lifelong partner than Margaret, but no one who ever got divorced knew it was coming before they even got married.

    We discussed a vast number of different parenting style decisions, which I won''t list here in their entirety for the sake of brevity. A few notable ones were spanking, yelling, punishments, rewards, positive and negative reinforcement, and who should say the parental decision out loud to the child first and then who should back them up.

    We decided no spanking, but slapping was fine. You weren''t allowed to yell unless you were dancing at the same time. Punishments always had to be whimsical. Rewards always had to be mildly disappointing. Positive and negative reinforcement were only allowed if they were confusing and contradictory. And the parent who got to make the decision first would be decided by whoever shouted something semi-coherent and actionable, first.

    And yes, we were aware these were all jokes, and we hadn''t actually decided anything about our parental decisions. We weren''t emotionally ready to make any real decisions yet. It was all too big and scary at the moment.

    We told ourselves we would just do what came naturally and discuss everything afterwards with open and honest communication, and without judgment. That all sounded well and good, but only time would tell if that was a good decision or not.

    After what felt like just a few hours, the doctors and nurses came in, getting ready to deliver the baby. They told me and Margaret a bunch of things about the process that went in one of my ears and out the other. Margaret seemed to listen diligently though, so I felt confident everything would be alright.

    Margaret''s water broke suddenly. It surprised and scared me. I was not a man who was scared by much. At least not anymore, but this did scare me. The beginning of the process of becoming a parent was terrifying.

    There was a lot of movement, screaming, talking, and a little bit of peeing. The head started to come out first, which was really good news, but the wings got caught on the way out. Wings being present was a surprise. Margaret didn''t have wings. I didn''t have wings. Where did the wings come from?

    They were able to correct the problem quickly, and I breathed a sigh of relief. Apparently, I had been holding my breath. It explained why I felt lightheaded. I sat down on a semi-comfortable chair while my girlfriend was going through hell.

    It bothered me that I couldn''t shoulder any of the burden for her. I was so used to solving other people''s problems that it killed me not being able to do it for the person I loved most in the world.

    I knew that the best I could do for her was to be here. If she asked me to hold her hand, I would. If she asked me to leave, I would. If she asked me to switch places with her, I would try, but there were no guarantees I''d succeed.

    After several hours, the labor was over, and the child was born. They smacked Fitzwilliam Elijah on the bum and he screamed, taking his first breath. He was cute, despite being covered in blood and fluids.

    They quickly cleaned him and wrapped him in a towel. Then they let Margaret hold him. I put my finger out and he grabbed onto it. Margaret was overjoyed seeing that. She said, "He knows his daddy."

    I said, "I sure hope he doesn''t call me that."

    "Why?" Margaret asked.

    "Because you call me ''daddy'' during, you know. Every time he called me it I would get a flash of that in my brain," I said.

    "Ah, I see," Margaret said, realizing what I meant. "I can see how that would be uncomfortable for you. I''ll make sure to call you dad around him."

    "Sounds like a plan," I said. I tried to pull my finger back, but his grip was too strong. He definitely was his father''s son. He had my super strength and my emotional clinginess too.

    A nurse eventually took Eli away. "Good job, baby. I love you, and now I love our son."

    "Thanks. You better love our son. I spent a long time making him and I can''t send him back to the factory. That sale is final," she said, smiling at me. She looked exhausted.

    "You should get some rest, babe," I said, kissing her on the forehead.

    "I will. Just as soon as I close my eyes," she said. She closed her eyes, laid her head back on the pillow, and immediately started snoring. I wasn''t sure if she really fell asleep that fast, but the snoring sounded real.

    They let me stay in the room. I waited a few hours before Margaret woke. They said Margaret would have to stay in the hospital for the next two or three days. I planned to spend that time with her as well, but fate didn''t like that very much.

    Dr Peter came back into the room and said, "You two better see this." He turned the news on the TV.

    A female reporter was standing in the middle of a street where buildings were burning and destroyed on both sides.

    "Yes, Stuart, I''m here in Little Big Town where several buildings have either been reduced to rubble or are in the process of becoming rubble. It appears that several damned human souls have escaped from the Circles of Hell and are wreaking havoc wherever they go. I''m being told this is due to the reduced security in the Circles caused by the numerous mysterious deaths that have occurred in the last forty-eight hours," she said.

    "The death toll so far is unknown, but it far exceeds one hundred. This is a tragedy of epic proportions. Where is Dave? Why has he done nothing to prevent or mitigate this devastation? No one knows."

    "He could still be in the hospital, but what father stays that long by his partner''s side before and after childbirth? Likely, he has teleported away to destinations unknown. That is all we know right now. Back to you in the studio. This is Sabrina Copperfield, HBS 2 News."

    Doctor Peter turned off the TV. "Do you see? You are needed out there, Dave. People are dying in droves."

    I looked at Margaret. She had a scared and concerned look on her face. "I caused this? Oh, no."

    I grabbed her hand. "No. This is no one''s fault, especially not yours. Sometimes when it rains, it pours."

    "What does that mean?" she asked.

    "When stressful or difficult situations happen, sometimes a lot of them happen all at once," I said.

    "Oh. That makes sense," Margaret squeezed my hand. "Please go and save as many people as you can. You were here for Eli''s birth like you said you would be. You fulfilled your familial obligation. Now go."

    "Thank you, Margaret. Thank you for understanding. I love you, and I will be back," I said, teleporting away to Little Big Town.

 Ch 34: Little Big Town

    I teleported to Little Big Town. The acrid smoke filled my nostrils and burned my eyes. All around me were destroyed and burning buildings. Dead demons lined the streets. What a tragedy.

    The reason it was called Little Big Town wasn''t just because the people who named it were bad at naming things. It had a very weird set of physics to it. If you were traveling to it from afar, it would look tiny and technically it didn''t take up much space on a map, but once you entered the city, it got exponentially larger the farther in you went.

    It was one of those bigger on the inside places except instead of an enclosed space like a house or a police box, it was an entire city. I teleported right to the location of the devastation, which was only on one side of the city. The damned souls, whoever they were, hadn''t gotten very far in.

    This situation may seem confusing, and it is. So I will explain. You may be thinking, how can human souls destroy a city when they don''t have physical bodies? That is where you would be wrong.

    They do have physical bodies. That is something I very much disagree with Lucifer on instituting, because it gives them the ability to cause physical harm to the law-abiding demons who live in this hell, literally and figuratively.

    Lucifer, at the time, cared more about punishing wicked humans or just humans in general because he hated them so much that he disregarded safety. Lucifer hated humans because he was jealous of how much more his father loved them than him. Or at least, that was Lucifer''s perception of the situation.

    Because of this hatred and jealousy, he created the Nine Circles of Hell and instituted various punishments in each of them based on the severity of the sins committed by the damned soul. You see, Hell was initially just meant to be a prison where those who had separated from God''s love could exist away from him forever.

    That was supposed to be a miserable enough punishment, according to God, but that wasn''t good enough for Lucifer. So in order to physically punish the damned souls in Hell he created a system whereupon appearing in Hell, their souls would gain a new physical body.

    You can''t whip or torture damned souls without destroying or damaging the souls themselves. God did not allow that. He allowed Lucifer a lot of freedom in how he ran Hell, but destroying souls was going too far. God had created human souls to be immortal, so they would exist forever. Destroying them obviously negated that and defied God''s will.

    So Lucifer did the next best thing. He gave the souls bodies so that he could torture their physical bodies until they died, wait for them to respawn, and then do it all over again.

    In the center of the Nine Circles, there is another primordial ooze pit designed for human souls to gain or regain a physical body so that they can then be sent to or back to whatever Circle they belonged in and tortured. It was called the Pit of the Damned. So original, right?

    Whenever a damned soul''s body is destroyed or killed, the soul is pulled back into the pit and they form a new body. This process takes about as long as it takes for me to reform my body or angels to re-compile theirs. Fourteen to twenty hours.

    This is why we were in the predicament we were in. This is why damned souls were destroying Little Big Town¡ªLucifer and his former pettiness. Not that he wasn''t still petty, but he wasn''t that petty anymore.

    I just never thought to reform our practices when it came to how we took care of the souls of the damned. I thought, if it ain''t broke, don''t fix it. Well, apparently it broke. So now I would have to fix it.

    My goal here was to kill all the escaped souls and let them reform in the pit. Then I would shut off the exits to the pit and just keep all the souls in there until I could dismantle the pit and keep the souls in soul form. Without a physical body, they couldn''t do any damage even if they did escape.

    Something interesting I learned about demons is that you can''t possess their bodies. So escaped human souls wouldn''t be able to take them over and wreak havoc with them like they could do to other humans.

    All this was to say, I needed to find and kill those souls as fast as possible, so they couldn''t destroy the entire city. I listened for screams. I didn''t have to listen for long. I heard some coming from a street over from where I was.

    I rushed to the scene. What I saw was a group of Mongolians surrounding a large group of demons. They all carried the pitchforks that the guards in Hell''s Circles were supplied with. They must have stolen them. That was the only conclusion I could come to.

    The Mongolians wore the standard black and red jumpsuits that inmates of Hell''s Circles were supplied with. The black and red of the jumpsuits were patterned in a way where if they were facing towards you or away from you, it looked like their bodies had a big black "H" on them. Again, no one seemed to have any sort of imagination down here. That said, I''d probably put in minimal effort if I lived for eternity, too.

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    The group of demons saw me and yelled in excitement, "It''s Dave! He''s here to save us! Save us Dave, please!" Well, one of them yelled that. If all of them yelled that at the same time, I''d be impressed by their coordination and groupthink.

    Damn it. Now I had to save every single one of them or I''d feel terrible about myself. I already felt terrible that I let any of them die. There is a fact about demons that makes their deaths far more tragic than humans or even angels. I won''t go into it now though, since I''ve already bored you to death enough with facts.

    I yelled at the Mongolians, "??riinkh?? khemjeegeer khen negniig songo!" Which meant, "Pick on someone your own size!" in Mongolian. They looked at each other and then looked at me.

    In Earth time, it had only been three years. Technically, Hell time was the same as Earth time, but the farther down you traveled into the Infernal Archive, the more time compressed in on itself and became longer and more dense. You could spend years down in the archive and only a few hours would pass in Hell proper and on Earth.

    I apologize for all this explaining, but there is so much you may not know, and I don''t want to assume you know it and confuse you. I have spent centuries down in the Infernal Archive studying languages. It''s very important to be able to communicate with damned souls.

    So yes, I knew Mongolian. Luckily, all the books had English translations as well as language courses set up on computers and tablets down there. The technology in Hell was more than modern. It was advanced.

    I sat down there for years, just goofing around with all the known and unknown languages on a tablet. The annoying part is that demonic didn''t have an English translation. Demons were taught demonic in elementary school as their first language.

    It was so complex and demons were so long lived that it took twenty years to teach. And I didn''t have twenty Earth years to learn Demonic and still be able to perform all my other duties.

    I suggested they teach me in the Infernal Archive where time was condensed, but the demonic scholars said it was forbidden to teach in the Infernal Archive. Something about it being sacred or some such rubbish. If it was so sacred, why did they have tablets and computers down there?

    So, I knew every Earth language. Just not Demonic. Sigh. Well, back to the action. The lead Mongolian responded to my question with, "Chi khen yum be, bidend yuu khiikh yostoi ve?" (Who are you to tell us what to do?)

    I would have responded, but I knew it would get me nowhere. So instead, I just attacked them as fast as I could, hoping to take them all down before they killed any more innocent demons.

    I teleported behind the lead Mongolian, drawing my sword Steve, and plunging him through the Mongolian''s back. I did the same to all twenty-three Mongolians present, and they dropped to the floor, dead. Their bodies turned into an amber goo. Brimstone, also known as sulfur. The bodies created for damned souls were made of the stuff.

    I watched as their souls floated away, back to the pit where they would form new bodies in several hours from now. This would give me time to fix the issue before they came back.

    After confirming that all the demons were alright, I sent them back the way I came to make sure they got out safe while I hunted down more Mongolians, and their leader. If Mongolians were attacking Little Big Town, Genghis Khan was sure to be nearby.

    If you don''t know who Genghis Khan is, then I can''t help you. If you don''t know who one of the most prolific killers and generals in human history is then I don''t know how you''ve gotten this far in life.

    I wasn''t too surprised to find out that he was the one who escaped the Circles of Hell. If anyone could do it he could. Now I just needed to find his men and him and eliminate them before they could cause any further harm.

    I continued to follow the screams and trail of bodies until I came upon another small army of Mongols. This one was led by none other than Genghis Khan himself.

    This was going to be harder than the last time. Genghis Khan was an expert fighter and general. Anything I tried, they would quickly counter. So I had to make my move suddenly and fast.

    They all turned to face me. Genghis Khan, who was at the far end of the group, yelled, "Ch?tg?r sh¨¹¨¹ dee!" (It''s the Devil!). T?l?vl?g?? A! (Plan A!)."

    The Mongolians started to surround me while crouching low with their pitchforks held in attack position. Another group of Mongols came in behind them, partially crouched, holding their pitchforks at waist height, aiming them over the first line''s heads.

    Then a third line came behind them, standing up straight, holding their pitchforks at chest height. It seemed they knew how the pitchforks worked. The tips of the pitchforks lit up briefly before thin beams of yellow light shot forth. Three lines of pitchfork beams shot at me at incredible speeds.

    Luckily for me, I expected this and had already teleported away as soon as the tips began to light up. I teleported behind them. They immediately switched height positions so the line in front of me was crouched and the farthest line was standing.

    Their tips began to light up again, and I teleported out of the way. This time, I teleported to the side of their line formation, hoping to gain a small amount of time to retaliate.

    "Steve! Let''s give them a light show of our own!" I yelled.

    "Yes, sir, boss man, sir!" Steve the sword yelled.

    I swung the sword horizontally as a thick white beam of light short forward from the tip. The beam cut across the knees of the first line of men, cutting their legs off. They landed on the stumps of their legs. Instead of falling over or howling in pain like I expected them to, they shot me full of yellow lasers from their pitchforks.

    I teleported away before they had the chance to cut me to shreds, and I reappeared behind them with a dozen holes in my chest. The line of men that I had removed the legs of finally passed out from blood loss and shock.

    I struggled to breathe with perforated lungs. The remaining lines of Mongolians repositioned and fired at me again. I kept teleporting around the field, aiming my sword at a single target and shooting them with a beam of light. If I didn''t have time to swing my sword, I at least had time to take out single targets.

    I teleported around the battlefield taking out single targets until there were none left other than Genghis Khan. I turned to face him, when multiple spherical devices landed around my feet.

    "Oh, shit!" I said.

    I tried to teleport away, but the spherical devices shot beams into my body. These didn''t punch holes in me. They wrapped around me, holding me in place. Searing pain shot through my body, distracting me.

    Genghis Khan walked up to me. "Dakhij zugtaj chadakhg¨¹i." (Can''t run away anymore).

    I sneered at Genghis Khan as he pulled out a pitchfork and pressed it against my neck.

 Ch 35: Judas Iscariot

    Genghis Khan pressed his pitchfork against my throat. He grinned wickedly in sadistic pleasure at outmaneuvering me. I smiled back just as wickedly. I ducked my chin and bit the center prong of the pitchfork. Using my super strength and super durability, I broke off the middle prong, breaking the pitchfork.

    He pressed the button on the pitchfork and it fizzled and sparked, but nothing happened. Khan''s eyes widened in shock, and then narrowed in anger. Not a good emotion to have when you''re in a deadly battle. He threw the broken pitchfork down and kicked me in the chest.

    This caused one of the energy beams wrapped around me to transfer and wrap around his foot as well as my chest, pulling him off balance. With his foot raised in the air, his body swung into mine and the energy loops wrapped around both of us.

    He struggled to free himself but he couldn''t. He had successfully trapped me, but now also himself. "Tedgeeriig untraa." (Turn them off), I said.

    "No," Khan responded.

    "You can speak English?" I asked.

    "Of course I can speak English. How long do you think I''ve been in Hell?" He said.

    "Well that makes this easier. Turn off the traps," I said.

    "I don''t know how," he said. "I just knew how to turn them on."

    "You''ve been in Hell that long and you never learned how to turn ball traps off?" I asked.

    "The guards always used remotes to turn them off and I couldn''t find a remote when I stole them," he said.

    "Ok. Well it''s really simple. You just press the button to activate them again. That turns them off," I said.

    "How are we going to do that? We''re trapped," he said.

    "The traps don''t actually prevent you from moving. They just make it really painful to move," I said.

    "Oh. Well then you do it. I''m not hurting myself to free my captor," he said.

    "That''s really childish, but I understand it. When I start moving, it''s going to hurt you too though, so either way we''ll both experience the pain," I said.

    "Ah," he said. "In that case, I''ll do it, since my hands are closer to the traps."

    "Smart," I said. I was placating him. Smart people loved being told they were smart.

    "I know," he said. He slowly and painfully reached toward the closest trap. "Ahhh!!!" he yelled.

    "Ahhh!!!" I yelled in pain.

    He pressed the button on the first trap and it turned off. Some of the pain reduced, but it was still excruciating.

    "Ahhh!!!" He yelled as he reached for the next one.

    "Ahhh!!!" I yelled. "Do you have to yell everytime you do that?"

    "Shut up! You''re yelling too!" he said turning off the next trap.

    "Yeah, but I can stop. I''m just doing it because you are," I said.

    "Yeah, right. If you can not yell when I deactivate the rest of the traps, I''ll let you kill me and send me back into the Circles," he said offhandedly.

    "Is that a deal?" I asked.

    "Yeah. Sure," he said, not seeing what I was doing.

    I grabbed his hand and shook it. Magic flowed through us and made the deal binding.

    "What did you just do?" he asked.

    "I made the deal binding. Now if I don''t scream or yell when you deactivate the remaining traps, you''ll have to let me kill you," I said.

    "Damn it. I hate being outsmarted," he said.

    "I know I''m not the original Devil, but I am the Devil. It shouldn''t be that surprising I can trick people," I said.

    "I figured you could trick other people, but not me. I''m Genghis Khan," he said.

    "Everyone thinks that until they get tricked. That''s what makes it so easy to trick people. The fact they think they can''t be tricked," I laughed.

    "I can see that. Oh well. I don''t think you can not scream for the rest of the traps," he said.

    "We''ll see," I said, shrugging.

    "Ahhh!!!" Genghis Khan yelled as he deactivated the next trap. And the next. And the next. He kept yelling until he finished the last trap and he dropped onto the floor on his head. "Ow."

    "Alright, now get up and let me kill you," I said.

    "How? How did you not scream?" he said.

    "I was forcing myself to scream to trick you into the deal. Obviously," I said, grinning.

    "But how?" he said. "The pain was unbearable."

    "I''ve died, been tortured, and dismembered dozens of times. You think a little ball torture is going to make me scream?" I said.

    Stolen content alert: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.

    "Wow. I didn''t realize," he said, hanging his head.

    He started to get up. He grabbed the pitchfork as he stood up and tried to stab me in the stomach with the remaining sharp prongs. The pitchfork pressed against my skin without piercing it.

    Genghis Khan looked at it in shock and said, "Oh shit."

    "Yep," I said. "You''re screwed. Although, you were already screwed. If that pitchfork could hurt me, the deal would just stop you from stabbing me with it."

    "Oh," he said, looking resigned to his fate.

    I grabbed him by the throat and lifted him into the air. "I''ll see you later, Khan."

    I crushed his windpipe and dropped him to the floor. I watched as he suffocated, grasping at his throat, until he finally stopped moving. His body dissolved into yellow liquid sulfur. His glowing white human soul floated back in the direction of the Circles of Hell, headed to the Pit of the Damned to respawn.

    I picked up Steve and put him back in the sheath. I looked at the burning buildings and rubble that used to be buildings and extended my hand out in front of me. Focusing, I made the fires go out and the buildings rebuild themselves.

    I closed my eyes and felt for all the damaged buildings in the city. I removed the flames and rebuilt them all until the city was back to the way it was before. Mediocre, but clean and undamaged.

    There wasn''t really that much damage to repair. Several city blocks were destroyed, but I would have expected a lot more people to escape. It didn''t make sense that only Genghis Khan and part of his army would escape. There should have been at least one other non Genghis Khan related soul that got away.

    I would have to investigate the Circles to see if that really was everyone who had escaped. I teleported to the control room. No one was there and the lights were off. I turned the lights on and texted everyone that their third day off was over. I asked them all to please come in if they were able.

    They all promptly responded, including Nimby. I would need to talk to her in my office, but not like that, you perverts. I needed to set some boundaries but I also needed to acknowledge my mistakes in handling her advances.

    I would apologize since it was expected for her to come onto me. It was in the employee handbook for crying out loud. Which I still thought was weird, but I wasn''t going to judge anyone for adhering to it.

    While I was waiting for everyone to show up, I checked the occupancy reports. We were down occupants of the 9th (treachery), 8th (fraud), 7th (violence), and the 6th (heresy) Circles. The only missing occupants of the 9th circle were Genghis Khan and Judas Iscariot. Judas Iscariot was missing. That was bad. He''d had several mental evaluations over the course of his time in Hell and with every one, he got worse.

    That was expected¡ªeven by design¡ªbut with him escaped, that made him more dangerous than ever. With his first mental evaluation, he had a lot of self loathing, but he got more and more wrathful as time went on.

    He believed that Jesus Christ drove him to betraying him for the greater good and he didn''t deserve to be in Hell. He blamed Jesus for his predicament. He hated him and vowed revenge.

    With that resolution, who knew what he was capable of. He was very smart and conniving and charismatic. That was part of the mental evaluations too. He was very capable and that made him one of the most dangerous people in Hell. Whatever he was up to, it wasn''t good.

    The occupants missing from the 8th and 6th circles were dangerous as well, but not in the same way as Judas. There were some corrupt politicians, false prophets, lying religious leaders, and some magic practitioners, like witches and sorcerers.

    A lot of the 7th Circle was missing in particular. That circle was populated entirely by extremely violent offenders. Think murderers, tyrants, and warlords. That was more bad news. Judas could have easily convinced some of these escapees to join him in whatever he was planning to do. The question was, what was he planning?

    It was now that Nimby, the Steves, and the rest of the background staff showed up. I looked at the Steves and said, "I need you to track and locate Judas Iscariot immediately. Call me in my office when you find him."

    I beckoned with my finger for Nimby to follow me. I led her into my office. "Finally," she said. "I thought you''d never bring me in here."

    I turned to her with a firm but not angry look on my face. "Margaret has made me aware of Hell''s policy on workplace fraternization. I can''t find it in myself to go through with it. I''m telling you now that you have no obligation to force yourself on me or please me in any way."

    Nimby looked disappointed. "But I want to please you!"

    "You can please me by keeping things friendly between us and nothing more," I said.

    "But what about Chef Demi and the others? They all expect me to put out for you. I''ve been getting a ton of pressure lately since I waited so long to make a move. What am I going to tell them?" she said.

    "Just tell them I said you didn''t have to do it," I said.

    "That won''t work. They''ll think I begged you to let me not do it and you said it was ok. It would not only make me look bad, but it would make you look weak," she said.

    "Oh," I said. That hadn''t occurred to me. I didn''t realize not sleeping with my female coworkers¡ªor coworker, since Nimby was the only female member of my staff¡ªwould make me lose morale and control of my people. Hmm. I''d have to be careful about this.

    "What about this? What if you and I meet in my office everyday and just hang out? We can play cards or twister or something," I said.

    "Naked twister?" she said, teasing me. Now she was having fun with me.

    "No. Clothing stays on young lady," I said, wagging my finger at her.

    "Don''t call me that. I''m older than you," she said, pouting.

    "Maturity wise you aren''t," I said. "While I will acquiesce to many things, sex and calling you young lady I won''t budge on. Calling you young lady allows me to maintain a sense of authority over you."

    It sounded stupid, but it did work like that. Words were powerful. I had learned that in the three years since I became the Devil.

    "Ok, fine," she said, petulantly clenching her fists at her sides. "Are you suggesting we pretend to have sex?"

    "That is exactly what I''m suggesting. We''ll just hang out, but when we leave, we should leave with slightly disheveled clothes. You can even put a preferably clean pair of panties on my desk or something," I said.

    "Oh, I like that! That will sell it!" she said.

    "I know, right? Is that acceptable for you? That way we can both keep up appearances but I don''t have to cheat on Margaret," I said.

    "Yeah! Ok. Can I kiss your neck? To leave my lipstick on you?" she said.

    "That''s a little too far for my comfort. You can kiss my shirt. That''s the most I''ll allow," I said firmly.

    "Ok," she said, pouting again.

    "You just want to sleep with me for real, don''t you?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

    "Yeah," she said, twiddling her thumbs.

    "Why?" I said. "Wait, don''t answer that. I can guess. I''m sorry for rejecting you. Don''t you have other prospects? You''re young and not unattractive. You must be beating men off with your left and right hands."

    "Repeat what you just said in your head," she said, blushing.

    I did. Oh. "Yeah, that''s not what I meant. Are you saying you don''t have prospects?" I said.

    "No, I do, but none of them are as handsome and powerful as you," she said.

    "Well, you''re going to have to get over that. Sorry. I''m not cheating on my girlfriend," I said, shrugging.

    "Ok, fine," she said. She turned to leave.

    "Hold on," I said.

    "What?" she asked.

    I messed up her hair and unbuttoned the top button on her uniform. "Better. Now you do me," I said. I looked at her meaningfully. "Not like that."

    "Ok." She messed up my hair and kissed my collar, leaving a lipstick stain on it.

    "Ok, now we can leave," I said.

    "Ok," she said, opening the door first and walking out.

    I followed her out and then turned into the control room while she turned into the kitchen. I leaned over the banister and looked at the Steves. "Anything?"

    "Numerous unknown humanoid heat signatures in the Obsidian Crags, moving towards Shadow Canyon," Steve Three said.

    "Ok, good. What''s near there?" I said.

    "The portal to Purgatory!" Steve Four yelled.

    "Oh, no," I said. They weren''t just trying to escape Hell. They were trying to get to Heaven. That was bad news. Very bad news. The occupants of Heaven were vulnerable. They were all kind, good souls. They didn''t know how to defend themselves.

 Ch 36: The Chase

    "Lock down the exits to the Pit of the Damned! Send in reinforcements to the Circles from the reserves!" I yelled.

    "Yes, sir!" The Steves yelled.

    "Where are the humanoid heat signatures now?" I asked.

    "Still in the Obsidian Crags, sir. They''re kind of just standing around," Steve Four said.

    "It could be a trap, sir!" Steve Two said.

    "You''re probably right, Steve," I said.

    "We''re noticing a lot of movement from the shadows in Shadow Canyon," Steve Three said.

    "Has anyone made it to Shadow Canyon yet?" I asked.

    "Not that I can see. There is an anomaly, but it''s not humans. It''s obsidian slimes. A huge group of them has wandered into Shadow Canyon," Steve One said.

    "Hmm. Maybe the humanoids in the Obsidian Crags drove them in there. Keep an eye on them and update me if anything changes. I''m going to confront the humans in the Obsidian Crags," I said.

    "But sir, we''ll lose contact with you after you enter Shadow Canyon," Steve Three said.

    "That''s right," I said scratching my chin. "Just keep me updated while I''m in the Obsidian Crags then. I''ll have to rely on myself after that."

    "Hey, honey, before you go," Nimby said, walking up to me. "Let me tweak your nipples and give you a kiss. I know how you like getting your nipples tweaked before you go on a mission."

    "What?" I asked.

    Nimby twisted my nipples and kissed me on the cheek while I probably stared at her in shock.

    I leaned in and whispered, "You''re really going to make me pay for not following the handbook, aren''t you?"

    "Yes," she whispered back with a devious smile on her face. She was a lot more hurt by my rejection than I expected her to be. She was probably going to take this out on me for a while.

    "Fine," I whispered back and rolled my eyes. Then loudly I said, "Thank you, babe."

    "You''re welcome," she said, pulling my pants up uncomfortably high and tightening my tie until it was mildly choking me. She winked at me and walked away. Her playful side was malicious. I''d have to find a way to get her back when I wasn''t on a mission.

    "Hey, why don''t you wear something that makes you look attractive next time? That uniform makes you look frumpy," I said.

    "Yes, sir," Nimby said through gritted teeth and a fake smile. She loved her uniform.

    I teleported to the Obsidian Crags before things could escalate any further. When I arrived, I found a peculiar sight. There was a group of humans with their feet and hands tied, but standing up. They had gags over their mouths so they couldn''t speak.

    Why would Judas tie up the humans following him? Unless he was using them as a distraction. But if they were a distraction, where was Judas? He couldn''t be hiding among the tied-up people, could he? What would be the point of that?

    That couldn''t be it. There had to be more to this situation that I wasn''t seeing. The Obsidian Crags were named for their obsidian cliff faces, but that wasn''t the only obsidian thing in the crags.

    There were also huge multiple stories tall obsidian spikes that jutted out of the ground. There were so many of them that they created a maze of spikes to navigate through. Slimes with pieces of razor-sharp obsidian stuck in them wandered the spikes. That was why this place was so dangerous.

    Slimes lurked around every corner and the reflective surfaces of the spikes created confusing images that made it hard to tell where you were in relation to the slimes.

    I ungagged one of the tied-up humans and they immediately said, "We''re not humans. We''re demons."

    "Oh. Thanks, but where are the human souls that escaped then?" I asked.

    They must have set every demon''s illusion tech to human form. Every demon that had an Earth passport was given a device that could create the illusion they were a human.

    "I''m not sure. Probably in the hell cars," he said.

    "Hell cars? They stole hell cars? Why didn''t they show up on thermal imaging?" I asked, raising my eyebrows.

    "Yeah. They were just pushing them in neutral," he said.

    "Oh," I said.

    Unauthorized content usage: if you discover this narrative on Amazon, report the violation.

    The hell cars weren''t running, so they didn''t show up on thermal imaging. Clever. I would expect nothing less from Judas. I cut all the demons free and let them go back to Red Valley once they turned off their illusion tech and proved they were demons.

    After that, I looked for tracks from the cars. It was subtle. Since the ground was obsidian, the tracks the cars left were just cracks in the obsidian from the weight. Several parallel lines of cracks were traveling in the same direction toward Shadow Canyon.

    The Steves hadn''t detected any humanoids in Shadow Canyon though when I left. They only detected slimes. Maybe the human souls were using the slimes as camouflage. That had to be it. I couldn''t think of any other possibility.

    But then what did they need the cars for? Maybe they were in case I caught up to them. They could use them to get away.

    You may be wondering why I didn''t just teleport to the portal to Purgatory and wait. That would be because I didn''t know where it was or even what it looked like. I had never been to the Breach, where it resided.

    Also, I didn''t know where they were and the wilds of Hell were vast. Following their trail was a far better option than teleporting to random places. I followed the cracks in the obsidian ground until it led to a wall of black smoky darkness.

    The Shadow Canyon. It was a place of nearly complete darkness. The only things that emitted light in there were trying to kill you and were best to be avoided. However, I needed to light in there to follow the trail, so I would seek out one of those light sources and make it work for me.

    There was a legend that Shadow Canyon was created by a demon shadow sorcerer that wanted to cover all of Hell in darkness but he only got as far as the canyon before dying from overextending his power. To me it didn''t really matter what created Shadow Canyon. It was here and I needed to navigate it to prevent Judas and his disciples from making it to Purgatory and eventually Heaven.

    Taking a deep breath, I walked into the wall of darkness. I didn''t need to do that. I was just bracing myself for the nightmare of jump scares and creepy crap inside Shadow Canyon.

    For a while I just walked forward. I was looking for a light source, but there weren''t any right near the entrance. So I walked quickly forward until I finally came to one. It was off to my left.

    I chased after it until it revealed itself to be a puddle of bioluminescent blood oozing from a decaying corpse dressed in mages clothes. When I got close, the corpse grabbed my ankle and said, "Help me! I need your life force!"

    Necromancer. Hell was riddled with them. They all thought they were hot shit and were going to revolutionize and reorganize Hell under their dominion. Aspiring demon kings the lot of them. Harvey could be counted among the long list of aspiring demon kings.

    Harvey was an imp whose ego got a little too big for his britches. He planned to start the apocalypse and overthrow Lucifer''s dominion of Hell through a series of contingency plans that were far too confusing for me to be able to explain.

    His plans ended up like so many who had come before him. In the garbage dump. And he ended up imprisoned in the molten core of the Earth for 10,000 years alongside one of his contingency plans.

    The necromancer tried to drain my life force, but then he looked up at me and his empty eye sockets seemed to widen. He couldn''t drain my life force. That was one of the perks of being the administrator of Hell. A lot of things that worked on humans and demons, didn''t work on me.

    "You''re not normal! What are you?" he said.

    "Thanks for the ego boost," I said, kicking his head off his shoulders. "I''m the administrator!"

    "Oh, sorry!" he said. His skeletal glowing blood bleeding body got up and walked over to his head, picked it up, and put it back on.

    "No, problem," I said. "I''m sure it was an honest mistake. I''ll let you go. Besides, the ritual to dismantle you would take too long. I''m in a hurry."

    "Oh, are you chasing those weird humans wearing slimes as clothes?" he asked.

    "Yeah, I am. Do you know which way they went?" I said.

    "Yeah. That way," he said, pointing his partially glowing arm in a direction slightly off from where I was heading.

    "Thanks!" I said.

    "No problem, Administrator," he said. "The name''s Gilbert!"

    "Nice to meet you Gilbert! I''m Dave! I hope we meet again sometime, but right now I have to rush!" I said.

    Gilbert the necromancer. What a name and title combination. I thought mine was weird¡ªDave the Devil¡ªbut his took the cake. I didn''t pick up any of his bioluminescent blood. It wouldn''t work as a reliable light source.

    Imagine trying to cup that stuff in your hands and trying to light up the ground. It wouldn''t work. Aside from that, it was just gross. I''d have to keep looking for another light source.

    I jogged in the direction that Gilbert had indicated. After about ten minutes, I came across another light source. This one floated and bobbed in the air. It was a bright yellow light.

    I jumped up and grabbed it. A massive angler fish emerged from the darkness and opened its mouth to chomp down on me. I didn''t do anything. It wasn''t that I was stunned. I was just so underwhelmed by this development that I couldn''t be bothered to react.

    Its giant sharp teeth chomped down on my body and immediately shattered. It let out a weird shriek and tried to turn and run away. I didn''t let go of the bioluminescent light attached to its head so it couldn''t escape.

    I punched it in the face and it collapsed to the ground. It wasn''t dead. Just unconscious. Then I pulled the light so it shined on the ground. Nothing. I dragged the angler fish and its light around so I could use it to look for the tracks of the cars that the escaped souls had been pushing.

    Eventually, after a lot of circling and turning and looking everywhere, I found a trail. Tire tracks in the black dirt. I followed the trail as it traveled through Shadow Canyon.

    I began to run, dragging the angler fish behind me. I needed to get out of this canyon as soon as possible. I was getting claustrophobic in this quiet smoky darkness. After two hours of following the tracks, I finally got to the other side of the canyon.

    I came out into a forest of black trees with black leaves and black grass on the ground. The areas of bare ground were red as most ground is in Hell. This was the Dire Wilds. The area of Hell that the dire unicorns had made their home, as well as several other species of animals and monsters.

    The line between animal and monster was so thin that I honestly didn''t know if there really was a difference. Monsters were just animals that were dangerous enough to be classified as such.

    Normal unicorns were classified as animals. Mythological animals, but animals all the same. Whereas dire unicorns were classified as monsters. They were technically the same species. They could even reproduce, I think. Dire unicorns were just evolved and twisted by Hell into stronger tougher animals.

    There was a herd of dire unicorns a few hundred feet away from me in a clearing when I exited the shadows. I threw the angler fish back into the wall of shadows, then I began to walk towards the unicorns. I needed a ride.

    As soon as they saw me they charged with their horns aimed at me, looking to gore me, but they would find I wasn''t so easily beaten.

 Ch 37: Into the Breach

    When the dire unicorns rushed at me with their black horns lowered, I ran at them with my shoulder forward in a standing tackle position. Dire unicorns went flying upon impact. All except one.

    It was the largest and meanest looking dire unicorn, and its horn had stabbed me in the side. It hadn''t punctured the skin, but it still hurt. It would probably produce a decent bruise.

    I grabbed it by the head. It struggled against me. For a moment, we were locked in combat, neither one of us budging, until I realized I didn''t need to throw the unicorn. I needed to jump on top of it. So I did. I jumped up, doing a twisting front flip over the unicorn until I landed in a seated position on its back.

    Yes, I know that was very action movie of me, but I couldn''t resist the urge to do it. The dire unicorn who I will now start calling Fred reared up on its hind legs and neighed. Then it bucked and kicked, trying to knock me off, but I was glued to its back. I had very strong thighs.

    I smacked its butt, and it took off. I mean that in a literal sense. It shot into the sky. How? Happy to explain. Normal unicorns have an interesting ability to run on air. Well, not exactly.

    They generate a rainbow under their feet that they run on. They can control where the rainbow goes and its angle. Fred, the dire unicorn, did the same thing, except there was something different about his rainbow.

    It had no color. It was comprised of stripes of varying shades of gray and black. And it didn''t assemble in the misty magical way that normal unicorns'' rainbows do. The rainbow assembled like pieces of rock and stone forming under its feet.

    It was solid, too. The rainbows normal unicorns make are literal rainbows. They''re just light refracted through water mist. The rainbows can take very non traditional shapes like loops, ribbons, and Mobius strips, but they are still immaterial like other rainbows.

    This rainbow was a solid object. It was hard and opaque. It became more fragile the longer and taller it got until the base of the rainbow attached to the ground crumbled and collapsed.

    Cracks formed in the rainbow and it began crumbling up towards us, which I suppose was terrifying, but all I could do was hope no one was standing underneath the falling pieces of gray-scale rainbow far below us.

    We were hundreds of feet in the air in seconds. We were traveling far too vertically for my tastes, so I grabbed Fred by the mane and pulled down on him until the rainbow became horizontal.

    He didn''t like that and tried to buck and jostle his head out of my grip, but I was too strong for him. I wasn''t trying to hurt him and I hoped I wasn''t, but he was really thrashing against my grip and I needed him to get me somewhere.

    "Whoa, Fred! Calm down! I''m not trying to hurt you. I just need your help," I said.

    He didn''t seem to understand my words, but he calmed down slightly. He still occasionally thrashed when he thought I wasn''t paying attention, but otherwise, we ran forward, away from the shadow wall and toward the Breach.

    We were high above the forest of the Dire Wilds at this point, and I could see quite far ahead of us. I looked out over the forest for half an hour until we came to a flat red plain sprinkled with black and purple grass. Green and blue flowers were spread sparingly on the grass.

    My eyes caught sight of clouds of red dust being thrown into the air. Taking a closer look, I saw a long line of cars speeding away from us towards a dark and overcast area with gray cracked ground that must have been the Breach.

    The cars weren''t anything to write home about. They were a mix of different weird-looking electric vehicles. They had the aesthetic of cars designed by some douchebag business guru who knew how to cash in on market appeal.

    Getting away from my opinions about marketers and business gurus, they were pretty close to crossing into the Breach and I couldn''t let that happen. While I was having a great time bonding with Fred, I needed to focus on my goal.

    I had been talking to Fred over the last thirty minutes and calling him Fred repeatedly, hoping to instill the concept of his name being Fred into his brain, in case I needed his help in the future. I''d just have to hope that would be enough for now.

    I focused on the line of cars and concentrated. I imagined myself several hundred feet in front of the moving line of cars and then I was gone. I popped back into existence in front of the cars.

    I had enough time to be dramatic before they reached me, so I drew sword Steve and pointed him at the middle car like I was calling the people in it out as my target.

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    My target was Judas Iscariot. I didn''t know if he was in the middle car or not. But it looked cool and intimidating, so I did it anyway. As they drew closer, I readied my sword for a swing.

    The middle car tried to avoid me by going left and then right, but they were boxed in by the cars next to them. I swung down on the hood of the middle car when it got to me, caving it in, and sending the car flipping over me.

    Teleporting another several hundred feet in front of the line of cars, I readied myself to take another swing. The cars were starting to spread out and maneuver away from me.

    I smashed another one, sending it flying through the air, but I realized this process was too slow. They were getting closer and closer to the Breach but I had only taken out two cars out of nearly forty of them.

    So I decided to resort to something more basic. I teleported right in front of a car and let it slam into me. Now is probably a good time to tell you I have the ability to stand in one place without moving.

    I mean it. It''s like an actual power. When the car hit me, the hood folded in half around my body, setting off the airbags and knocking out the driver and passenger.

    I did this to several more cars before they started shooting beams of energy at me from their stolen pitchforks. They started shooting continuous beams in front of the cars, right where I might show up, so I had to get creative.

    I teleported to the front corners of the cars, sending them flipping, spinning, and careening in all directions. Once I had crashed the final car, and everyone in the cars seemed sufficiently injured, I stopped teleporting.

    It was a few moments before people started climbing, crawling, and walking out of the cars, and moving toward me. Someone yelled something in demonic and the people all pulled out those energy beam ball traps that Genghis Khan had used on me.

    This time I was ready. They started throwing them at me and I teleported around the battlefield before any of them could activate and trap me. I kept doing this until I saw a white canister fly through the air and land among the escaped souls.

    Uh oh. It was a gravity well. The canister exploded, and a loud sucking sound could be heard over the shouts of the souls. The souls got sucked into a ball of darkness on the ground about one foot in diameter. And so did I. And so did the cars.

    We all got sucked into the same place and we would be held there for as long as the gravity well lasted, which was just a few minutes, but it would be enough time for whoever threw it to escape.

    Luckily, I was on the outside of the ball of bunched-up people and objects. I could see who threw the canister. It was Judas. He was wearing what looked like a climbing rig with a bunch of pitons attached to a cable. The cable looked weird. It was glowing red. I had never seen anything like it. It had to be a Hell thing, but I didn''t know what.

    He had a gun in his hand that was attached to the rig. He was shooting pitons into the ground in front of him and pulling himself forward with the cable.

    I teleported to Judas and grabbed onto the glowing red cable trailing behind him. My feet lifted off the ground and I had to pull myself with just my arms. Judas was wearing spiked boots that allowed him to stay standing by sticking the spikes into the ground.

    He was incredibly prepared. This had to have been planned long in advance. There was no way he had time to gather up all this stuff right after escaping from the lowest circle of Hell.

    He had to have had help. He was smart. I''ll give him that, but he was clearly also connected to someone very powerful who could get him equipment and weapons he needed to complete his journey.

    This connection between Cain and the escaped souls of Hell was starting to look intentional as I thought more about it. But who could it be? That question I had no idea how to answer.

    Getting away from that, I pulled myself up to Judas and grabbed his shoulder. "You don''t have to do this!" I yelled.

    "I know! I want to do it!" he yelled back.

    "Why?" I asked.

    "He tricked me! If it wasn''t for me, he wouldn''t have been able to forgive all of mankind! And then he left me all alone, and sent me to Hell!" he yelled.

    "You sent yourself to Hell! All you had to do was ask for forgiveness and he would have given it to you," I said.

    "Why should I have to ask for forgiveness when I didn''t do anything wrong? He built a kingdom of Heaven on the fruits of my labor and abandoned me! He should be made to suffer like me! It''s only fair!" he yelled.

    "What are you going to do?" I asked.

    "Tear it down, of course! What else can I do?" he yelled.

    "You could stop this and come to your senses," I said.

    "I''m not listening to you!" he yelled.

    "Real mature," I said, as I reached over him and slashed the cable with my sword.

    I expected the cable to cut and for Judas to lose his tether and fly back into the gravity well with me, but that didn''t happen. The cable flamed in response to the impact of the sword.

    "Damned steel. Holy weapons don''t work," he said, grinning.

    "Damn you!" I yelled.

    I tried to stab him in the back, but he grabbed me and wrapped the cable multiple times around my neck. I tried to stop him, but I couldn''t do much. I only had one hand. I needed to hold on with the other hand to keep from flying back.

    He pulled the cable tight, cutting off my oxygen. I struggled against it, but he had the upper hand. He was strapped into the rig. He could use both hands and he had the benefit of being able to stand up, which in a hand-to-hand fight, is a huge advantage.

    I was losing oxygen and I couldn''t unwrap my neck from the cable and I couldn''t cut it with Steve. So instead of trying to escape, I did the next best thing. I let go of the cable, wrapped my hands around his neck, and tried to choke him.

    It seemed to be working at first until he managed to wrap the cable around my wrists. He yanked my hands off his neck using the cable. Everything began to get dark. Being fully restrained, I just had to watch as Judas reached the Breach.

    It was a huge silvery mirrored wall. He plunged his hand into it. Then the substance began pulling him into it. He was fully submerged and consumed by the wall of silvery liquid in moments.

    And then it was my turn. I got pulled into the liquid after him right as the edges of my vision blurred. Then, once again, annoyingly, everything went dark. I was getting really tired of this passing-out bullshit.

 Ch 38: Limbo

    I woke up in a white space. I was lying down on something but I couldn''t see it. Not in the normal sense. Everything just looked like endless glowing white light. The cable was gone from around my neck and wrists. I looked around and saw Judas lying next to me. He didn''t have any of the equipment from before.

    "Hey, Judas! Are you alive?" I said.

    "Of course not, you idiot! I''ve been dead for thousands of years," he said, getting up.

    "Yeah, but you have a living body," I said, also getting up off the invisible ground.

    "That is true. I suppose I am alive then," he said.

    "It was a rhetorical question. You weren''t actually supposed to answer," I said.

    "Oh, whatever! Where are we?" he said.

    "Purgatory, obviously, but if you meant specifically, I think we''re in Limbo," I said.

    "What''s Limbo?" Judas asked.

    "Is that a rhetorical question?" I asked. How didn''t he know what Limbo was? I wouldn''t have expected everyone to know, but he was in the bible.

    "No," he said.

    "Didn''t you read the Bible?" I asked.

    "No. It hadn''t been released when I was alive, because it was still being written, and Lucifer wasn''t a fan, so he didn''t keep any copies for us to read," he said.

    "Oh. Right," I said, remembering how Lucifer used to be. Shitty.

    "Are you going to explain what Limbo is or am I going to have to strangle you again?" Judas asked.

    "Hey! You were only able to do that because you had indestructible cable. You won''t be able to do it again," I said, pointing my finger at him. "And yes, I will explain. Limbo is a sort of waiting room for souls in Purgatory. That''s what my church told me, anyway."

    "A waiting room for what? What are we waiting for?" he asked.

    "I don''t know. We never got that far," I said.

    "Great. You''re useless. You''re the administrator of Hell and you''re useless. Aren''t you supposed to know things?" Judas said, crossing his arms.

    I think now is a good time to describe Judas. He was a tall, dark-skinned man with shaggy black hair and a handsome face. Not Jesus handsome, but handsome. He was wearing the standard black and red Hell jumpsuit.

    I was wearing gray sweatpants and a t-shirt. Hey, it''s not my fault! Cain ruined my clothes, and this was all the hospital had!

    "Not really. I''m just the best guy who could fill the position," I said. "Isn''t that how all jobs are supposed to be filled?" I knew that wasn''t how it usually worked, but that was the way it was supposed to work.

    "I guess," he said.

    "Gentlemen," a woman''s voice said. It rang out through the white void.

    "Yes?" I asked.

    "Who''s there?" Judas asked.

    "Purgatory. I am the administrator of Purgatory itself," she said.

    "Can I call you Purgy?" I asked.

    "No, that sounds gross," the voice said.

    "Ok, fine," I said, disappointed.

    "Don''t be rude," Judas said.

    "What? I wasn''t being rude," I said, throwing my hands up.

    "Gentlemen," Purgy said, trying not to sound impatient.

    "Yes?" I asked.

    "Hey! Don''t call me that in your head, either!" she said, completely loosing her cool.

    "I can''t control what my brain does," I said.

    "Yes, you can," she insisted.

    "Cannot," I said, putting my hands on my hips.

    "Can too!" she said. I imagined she put her hands on her hips as well.

    "Lady and gentleman," Judas said, a vein bulging in his forehead.

    "Yes!" the woman yelled.

    "Yes!" I copied.

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    "What are we doing here?" Judas asked.

    "Right. That''s what I was trying to address," she said, flattening out her white pantsuit. "I''m here to administrate your trials in Purgatory, so that you can ascend to Heaven, or stay here. For a very long time."

    "Oh," I said, miming zipping my lips shut, locking them, and throwing away the key.

    "Thank you," she said, cracking her neck. "Your first trial begins now."

    Two vertical bars with protrusions jutting out of the side of them and a horizontal bar resting on two of those protrusions appeared. They formed an ''H'' shape.

    I narrowed my eyes at it. This seemed really familiar. Wait. "Is that?" I asked.

    "Limbo," she said. "That is your first trial."

    No way. I wasn''t going to play Limbo with Judas in Purgatory. I imagined I was somewhere else, anywhere else, but nothing happened. What?

    "You can''t teleport in here," she said.

    "That''s disappointing," I said, sitting on the floor.

    "What are you doing?" she asked.

    "Sitting," I answered.

    "Don''t sit down! Begin the task!" she yelled.

    "This woman is very impatient," Judas remarked.

    "You''re telling me," I said, slowly getting back up to my feet.

    "Do the task please, gentlemen," she said.

    "Fine," I said.

    I walked up to the Limbo bar, bent backwards and walked under it. The horizontal bar magically moved one protrusion lower.

    "What is this?" Judas asked.

    "It''s Limbo. It''s a kids'' game," I explained.

    "What are the rules?" he asked.

    "You have to cross under the bar, but you can''t do it by bending forwards or sideways. You have to bend backwards," I further explained.

    "That sounds uncomfortable," he said.

    "It is. That''s why it''s a kids'' game. Only kids have the flexibility to handle the stress on the spine," I said.

    "I see. So we have to play this?" he said.

    "It seems that way," I said. "She didn''t technically say that, but what else are we supposed to do?"

    "Why did the bar get lower when you went under it?" he asked.

    "Oh, that''s the hard part. Whenever someone passes under it, the bar lowers. If you knock the bar off the rack or you fall, you lose," I said, taking a sip from a water bottle. When did I get a water bottle?

    "You seemed thirsty," she said.

    "Thanks, I guess," I said, taking another sip. I was kind of thirsty.

    "You''re welcome," she said.

    Judas jumped up and down and did some stretches. "I think I''m ready," he said.

    "Ok. Go ahead," I said, gesturing towards the Limbo setup with my new water bottle.

    Judas bent backwards and slowly walked under the bar. When he cleared it, the bar lowered again.

    "Is it your turn now?" Judas asked.

    "Yes," I said, putting down my water bottle.

    I had to lean backwards and bend my knees considerably to make it under this time. The bar lowered. We went back and forth like that for several minutes, until Judas knocked the bar off and lost¡­Actually, that was me. I should be honest in my account, and I was the one who lost.

    When I knocked the bar off and fell onto my back, the bar raised back up to the highest protrusion again, resetting the game.

    What? Why did the game reset? Didn''t we complete the task? "What gives?" I asked the white void.

    "You haven''t completed the task yet," she said, composed and patient this time.

    This was within the normal realm of what she expected to encounter. She wasn''t frustrated we hadn''t completed the task. She didn''t expect us to. It felt like she was gloating.

    "Miss? If we haven''t completed the task, then what is the task?" Judas asked.

    "I''m not allowed to disclose that information," she said.

    "Can you give us a hint or a handbook? Hell has a handbook for everything," I said.

    "Yes. It''s called ''The Bible''," she said.

    A giant stack of papers fell out of nowhere and landed on the ground. It was in some language I didn''t recognize. It must have been Aramaic. That was what I heard the Bible had originally been written in.

    I looked over at Judas. "You can''t, by chance, read Aramaic, can you?" I asked.

    "Actually, I can," he said, cracking his knuckles.

    "Start reading then," I said.

    "Are you sure?" he asked.

    "Playing the game didn''t work and I can''t think of what else we can do. We need to research. Read it out loud," I said.

    "Ok, here we go," Judas said. "In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth."

    Judas read the Bible to me for quite some time. Turns out it''s not just Aramaic. It also contains Hebrew and even some Greek. I read for the Greek parts. I was skimming and listening for anything that stuck out.

    I wasn''t committing anything to memory as much as I was listening to the context of the words in relation to the game Limbo. So don''t call me out if I don''t know things in the future! I never claimed to be smart¡ªwell, actually I did, but ignore that¡ªyou put that on me.

    "When I was a child, I spake {spoke} as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things," Judas said as we were reading through Corinthians.

    "Hold on. I think that''s it!" I said, coming out of a half daze. "Put away childish things! How do we do that though? There can''t just be a thing to put the game into can there?"

    Looking around, I found a large trunk near the limbo game setup. I don''t know how I didn''t notice it before. I got up and dismantled the setup, putting everything into the trunk and closing it.

    "You have completed the first task. Very well," she said, nodding her head and gritting her teeth. She expected it to take longer. It had been several days though. How long did she want this to take?

    The trunk disappeared. Then I went blind. It felt like there was something in my eye, preventing me from seeing. I felt around my face until I realized that there were solid poles of something sticking into my eyes.

    I yanked them out. It hurt. A lot. But I could see. "Cast the beam out of thine own eye? Really? Was that necessary?"

    "It is part of the process," she said, giggling, pleased with herself.

    "Ah! What is in my eyes?" Judas yelled.

    "Pull them out! Only you can!" I said.

    Judas grabbed the sticks that were seemingly made of amber and pulled them out of his eyes. "Ow! What in tarnation?"

    "She apparently thinks this is funny," I said.

    "It''s not," Judas said, wiping blood from his eyes.

    "How many more tasks are there?" I asked. I was getting a little annoyed with this.

    "I cannot disclose that information," she said, grinning.

    "Do you know how many more tasks there are?" I asked.

    "I cannot disclose that information," she said again.

    "Seriously? Where are you? You''ve gotta be in here somewhere!" I said, walking around.

    "What are you doing?" she asked, sounding afraid. "Don''t do that!"

    I walked around in large circles until I saw what looked like a floating doorknob. It was difficult to see because it was painted white, but it didn''t glow like everything else, so it slightly stood out.

    I grabbed it, twisted, and pulled. It was locked. Using my super strength, I kicked the door open. Inside it was a woman. She had a microphone and a control panel. She turned around and looked at me in terror.

    She was wearing a black and white pantsuit, had black and white hair, and even her skin was black and white. The black and white were split down the middle. Her right side was white and her left side was black.

    I walked up to her and grabbed her by the collar. "Why are you doing this?" I asked.

    "Keir said to stall you as long as I could! I''m just doing what I was told!" she said, panicking. She wasn''t prepared for a physical confrontation.

 Ch 39: Purgy

    "What did you say?" I asked, concerned.

    "Keir asked me to stall you as long as I could?" she said, unsure of the significance of what she said.

    "Why?" I asked.

    Why would Keir want us to be stalled? It didn''t make any sense. I had Judas. He wasn''t going to get away. God could just send us back to Hell when we made it to Heaven, right?

    There had to be a reason Keir didn''t want us to make it to Heaven, and it probably wasn''t good.

    "I don''t know," she said. "He didn''t say."

    I gently pushed her aside and jumped onto the control panel. "Sorry for grabbing you so hard, but I would have liked not to get stabbed in the eyes."

    "Yeah, sorry about that. Maybe I went a little too far," she said.

    "Ya think?" I said, wiping a little bit of remaining blood from my eye. I looked at the control panel. Nothing made sense. The buttons were all in some weird language I didn''t understand, and it wasn''t demonic. "How does this thing work?"

    "I can operate it if you tell me what you''re looking for," she said.

    "Thanks for finally cooperating. I have a really bad feeling something is going down on Earth. Show me celebrity deaths in the last three days," I said.

    "Ok," she got on the control panel and typed away and used the touch screen to press a bunch of buttons and open several panels on the giant screen. She turned a dial a couple times and two more screens popped on the sides of the main one. They were holographic.

    "Whoa," I said. "Nice. I like it."

    "Thanks," she said, turning and smiling at me. Even her teeth had the black and white motif. One half of her teeth were white, and the others were black. You''d think it would look gross, but I just thought it was interesting. "Thanks."

    She was replying to what I said in my head. I was never going to get used to that.

    "Holy crap," she said.

    I looked at what she was reacting to. It was an image of the earth in a flattened out globe shape. There were a bunch of red dots all across the world. There was text at the bottom of the image that said, "136 celebrity deaths." The list of normal deaths was much higher than that, but that wasn''t what we were looking for.

    "Yeah, I''d definitely say that''s statistically significant," I said.

    "So would I. Do you know what''s causing it?" she asked.

    "Nobody told you?" I asked. I figured Lucifer would have told Keir and God and they would have spread the news to everyone else about Cain.

    "No one tells me anything. I''m just Purgatory. I don''t matter. I''m just a temporary phase for souls. Not a destination," she said.

    "Oh. I never thought about it like that," I said.

    "It''s ok. I''m used to it," she said, crossing her arms.

    "So what''s your name? I keep just calling you ''she'' or ''woman'' in my head and it''s annoying me," I said.

    "Purgatory. My name is Purgatory. I was created at the same time Purgatory was created and Purgatory is part of me in a sense," Purgatory said.

    "Are you sure I can''t call you Purgy? Purgatory is kind of long and would be genuinely confusing whether I''m referring to you or the place," I said.

    "Fine. You can call me Purgy. I guess I don''t hate it anymore. I guess I thought it sounded too much like I was purging things, but that''s a different ''g'' sound," she said.

    "Exactly. I''m glad you see it my way now. I hate seeing other people be wrong," I laughed.

    She laughed and laughed and laughed some more. Something weird happened. Her body changed. The white half of her body turned black. Including her clothes and hair.

    "That''s funny," she said, putting her hand on my arm.

    I looked down at her hand and then her. "I''m flattered, but I have a girlfriend," I said.

    "That''s fine. She can watch," she said, leaning close to my face and puckering her lips slightly.

    "That''s not what I meant," I said, leaning away from her face.

    "Why are you playing hard to get?" she asked, grabbing the back of my head. She pulled my head so our lips met and we sort of kissed. Well, it was less of a kiss and more like her attacking my lips with hers.

    I pushed her away by putting my hand on her chest. "This feels very sudden. Are you ok? Why did you turn black?" I said.

    This was weird. A few seconds ago, she was a normal, balanced person and now she was forcing herself on me.

    She looked down at my hand on her chest, which just happened to be touching her breast. She looked back at me with a feisty expression. "Second base already? You move fast."

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    She tried to get closer so she could kiss me again. I kept her at bay though with my super strength. She didn''t seem to be blessed with that ability. Weird. Maybe it was intentional. If she was this unstable, who knows what kind of damage she could do with super strength?

    "Can you please change back to normal? You''re kind of freaking me out," I said.

    "What do you mean? I''m fun now! Isn''t this what all men want? A fun girl?" she said, smiling. She took off her jacket and ripped her shirt open, displaying her chest. "Oops."

    "No. No oops," I said, grabbing her shirt and trying to cover her chest back up.

    She let me cover her chest with her shirt, but then she unbuttoned her pants and let them drop to the floor. "Oops."

    "Stop it! Stop oopsing!" I said, trying to pull her pants back up.

    She kicked them off into a corner of the room. The inside of the room wasn''t glowing white void like the outside was. It looked like a normal security office. The walls were white, but that was as strange as it got.

    I ran over to grab her pants. I decided I was going to put her clothes back on and then tie her hands together with her belt. When I turned around after grabbing her pants, a pair of black panties hit me in the face and stuck.

    "Oops."

    I wiped the panties off my face and said, "Ok, this is getting ridiculous. Please put your clothes back on."

    "We can''t have sex with our clothes on silly!" she said.

    "We''re not having sex," I said.

    "Why not? Don''t you want to have sex with me?" she said, twirling her finger through her hair.

    "No. I don''t," I said.

    "Is it because I''m ugly? Fine! I''m leaving!" she said.

    Her expression went blank and a moment later, she turned pure white. Her expression changed to confusion. She looked down at her mostly naked form. "Did I do something bad again?"

    She collapsed to the floor onto her butt and started crying. "I did a bad thing, didn''t I? I''m sorry!"

    "Uh, I don''t know what to do here. Are you ok? What''s going on?" I said, slowly walking toward her.

    "It''s Sin. She''s always taking over and getting us in trouble. And I have to deal with the consequences," she said, hugging her legs close to her body.

    I kneeled down and put her pants and underwear on the ground next to her. I figured she would put her clothes back on after she was out of this sadness phase. This version of her seemed more reasonable, if distraught.

    I put my arms around her and hugged her. "Is this better?"

    She hugged me back. "Yes. I like this."

    "Not to ruin the moment, but this is a friend hug, ok?" I said.

    "That''s fine with me. I like friend hugs," she said, still squeezing me.

    "What''s your name?" I asked.

    "Virtue," she said. "What''s yours?"

    "That makes sense. I''m Dave," I said, still squeezing her.

    It did feel nice to comfort someone for a change. I had been doing so much punishing, I had forgotten how it felt to do something nice for someone. At least, someone who wasn''t my girlfriend. I did nice things for her all the time.

    "Nice to meet you, Dave. How about we get me clothed again?" she said.

    "That sounds like a great idea," I said.

    It was at this moment that Keir decided to teleport into the room. He looked at us and cleared his throat.

    "It''s not what it looks like!" I yelled.

    "What, you hugging a naked woman?" Keir asked.

    "Oh, well, I guess it is what it looks like, but not for bad reasons. I''m comforting her," I said.

    "Yes. He''s comforting me," she said.

    "I feel like he could comfort you perfectly well when you have clothes on," Keir said, scrunching up his face.

    "Sin got out again," Virtue said.

    "I see. Say no more. This makes perfect sense now," he said.

    "Ok. Now, if both of you would look the other way for a moment, I would like to get dressed," she said.

    "Yes, of course," I said, getting up, walking several feet away, and turning away from her.

    "Yes, right," Keir said, turning away.

    She presumably put her clothes back on¡ªthat had turned white¡ªwhile we were looking the other way.

    "Ok, you can look," she said.

    We turned around and she was dressed again. Her shirt wasn''t buttoned all the way because some of them tore off when Sin ripped her shirt open. I wondered how that got fixed, since it was seemingly a part of her and Purgatory itself.

    And then I watched as the buttons reappeared and her shirt buttoned itself back up. Oh. I guessed that was how it was done.

    "So, Keir, what brings you to this neck of the woods, and why did you imprison me here for three days?" I said. "I may have missed my child''s first birthday because of you."

    "I''m sorry about that," Keir said, tightening his lips, "but how have you had a child for a year without me knowing about it?"

    "I haven''t," I said. "I had a child a few days ago, before I got trapped in Purgatory by Purgatory."

    "Then they''re three days old. You haven''t missed shit," he said matter-of-factly.

    "No. Accelerated aging. Demon-human hybrid," I said.

    "Oh! Yeah, you missed your child''s first birthday, which makes you a terrible father," he said, grinning with his sharp teeth.

    "Don''t smile at me like that!" I said. "Your rudeness aside, what are you doing here?"

    "I have news and orders," Keir said. "Cain is preparing to remove the mark. This cannot happen under any circumstances."

    "Why? Aside from the many, many people he has killed to remove it, what harm is he doing?" I asked.

    "If he removes the mark, God dies," Keir said.

    "What?" I yelled.

    "What?" Purgy yelled.

    "What?" Keir yelled. "See, I can do it too."

    "Very funny," I said, crossing my arms. "Explain."

    "Ok, ok. God doesn''t die. That was a joke. Something very bad does happen though. If Cain removes the mark, God''s divine judgment is broken. When God makes a judgment, that''s it. Nothing can change it. So if someone does change it, with a sufficient amount of demon magic, then God''s judgment breaks and he ceases to be able to make judgments," Keir explained.

    "Like, forever?" I asked, raising my eyebrows.

    "Yes, forever. Once it''s broken, it''s broken," he said.

    "Is there a way to fix it?" I asked.

    "Yes, and no. If God''s broken judgment were to be reinstated, then everything would return to normal and He would be able to judge again. So if Cain were to remove the mark, if you somehow put the mark back on him before he dies, then you would fix the problem, so to speak," he said.

    "So if Cain dies, it''s all over basically," I said.

    "Yes," Keir said, nodding.

    "I guess we better stop him then," I said, cracking my knuckles.

    "Yes, you should," he said. "Wait. Where''s Judas?"

    "Oh, he''s outside in Purgatory somewhere. He was only about twenty feet away when I left him," I said.

    "You let him out of your sight?" Keir said, his eyes bugging out.

    "Is that bad?" I asked.

    "Yes, very bad!" Keir ran out of the room.

    I ran after him. When I got outside I looked to where I left Judas and he was drawing a bunch of complicated symbols around a circle with black chalk. He was probably doing a magic. A bad magic. Probably.

    "Where did you get that chalk from?" I asked. "You were stripped of everything on your body¡ªbesides your clothes, of course¡ªwhen we got here!"

    Judas looked at me with shameful expression. "You don''t want to know."

    I thought about it and then realized the implication. "Gross!"

    "I said you didn''t want to know!" he yelled. He wrote another symbol on the ground with the black chalk and the inside of the circle changed from white to black.

    "Don''t you do it!" I yelled.

    I tried to teleport to him, but it didn''t work. Apparently, Purgatory completely shut down my teleportation. Not just to leave Purgatory. I started to run, but I wasn''t fast enough. I wouldn''t make it in time.

    "I''m going to do it," he said, grinning.

    Then he jumped into the hole. The circle turned white again, and the hole disappeared. I slammed my fists against the ground when I got there. It did nothing.

    "Shit!" I yelled. This was bad. Judas went to Heaven. I didn''t know what he was going to do, but it would be bad. And it would be big. He was too resourceful. We were screwed.

 Ch 40: Samael

    "Not to be rude, but what''s your deal? The whole Virtue and Sin thing, I mean," I said.

    "Oh. Um, normally we share the spotlight and work in harmony. That''s Purgy. We become one mind. It allows us, being Virtue and Sin, to assess if souls are ready to ascend to Heaven or not. But sometimes during moments of strong emotion, like when you made us laugh, we fall out of balance, and one takes over," Virtue explained. "Speaking of, are you feeling ok? Do you need water, coffee, a back rub?"

    "No, I''m ok thanks," I said.

    I supposed that was the virtue side coming out. Offering gestures of kindness, I mean. I could see how¡ªwhile not being as disruptive as Sin¡ªthat could be problematic. Especially when they''re trying to be impartial toward souls.

    "Actually, on second thought, I will take some coffee," I said. "I feel like I''m in for a long night."

    "You are," Keir said. "Especially since you let Judas get away. Hopefully, God can find him and smite him before he does too much damage, but he''s a very dangerous character. So who knows?"

    "I don''t," I said. "And yes, I know that''s a rhetorical question. I''ll leave Judas to God or Jesus. Despite the danger Judas poses, Cain seems like the bigger problem for now. Speaking of, do you know where he is?"

    "Yes, actually, I do. Or rather, I can find out," Keir said.

    He went over to the control panel and started working on it. After a few moments, a large red ''C'' appeared on the screen. It was somewhere out in the Nevada desert.

    "That''s Cain?" I asked, pointing at the ''C'' icon.

    "That''s his mark. It acts as a tracking device. It also gives Cain''s location, but if he were to remove it, the mark would just give a signal from wherever he left it," Keir said.

    "So there''s no way to know if he''s removed it yet or not?" I asked.

    "No. That''s why you need to get there as soon as possible. I stalled you because I was afraid of Judas entering Heaven, but since that cat is already out of the bag, there''s no point in me delaying you any longer," he said.

    "Ok," I said. I looked at Virtue. "You''re going to be at the party after I save the world again, right?"

    "You''re inviting me? Or Purgy?" she asked.

    "I''m inviting all three of you. Virtue, Sin, and Purgy. Whoever shows up," I said.

    "Ok, sure, I''ll go, but why?" she asked.

    "There''s someone I want you to meet. I feel like you would be a good match. He''s a demon, so he''s got all the hedonism of Sin, but he''s actually a really nice guy outside of the bedroom¡ªnot that I''ve ever seen him in the bedroom. I feel like he would be able to match your dual nature," I said.

    "He sounds perfect for both of us. Sin can have the bedroom¡ªbleh¡ªand I''ll have the intellectual conversations," Virtue said. "What''s his name?"

    "Nigel. Nigel Hellthorne," I said.

    "I can''t wait to meet him. Now go get Cain! Don''t waste another moment here!" she said.

    "Right," I said. I tried to teleport to the location on the map with the glowing red ''C'', but nothing happened. "Didn''t work."

    "Oh, yeah," Virtue said. She pressed a button on the control panel. "It should work now."

    "Ok," I said, concentrating again.

    "Wait!" Virtue exclaimed.

    "What?" I asked. What was wrong? It sounded urgent.

    "Don''t forget your coffee," she said, handing me a mug of hot coffee. The mug said, "Happy endings are better than sad ones."

    "Uh, thanks," I said, trying to teleport away. This time it worked. I teleported into the middle of the desert in Nevada, holding a hot cup of coffee. In the blistering hot desert.

    I took a sip. Wasn''t bad. It was actually pretty good. Nice. I looked up from my coffee and saw a fist rocketing at my face. I instinctively tried to shield my face with the mug.

    The mug exploded as the fist hit it and boiling hot coffee spilled onto the person''s hand.

    "Ow! Shit!" Cain exclaimed. He shook the hot coffee off his hand.

    "How does that hurt you?" I asked. "Aren''t you supposed to be invincible?"

    "It doesn''t do any damage to my body, but hot coffee still hurts like a motherfucker!" he said. "Hot coffee hurts everyone! How do you not know that?"

    "I don''t know how I didn''t know, but it''s good to know now. I''ll save that for later," I said, making a mental note. "That aside, why did you attack me?"

    "Aren''t you going to try to stop me?" he asked, confused.

    "I mean, yeah, but we can talk things out first. Violence doesn''t always have to be the first move, Cain," I said.

    "Oh. Uh, ok. What do you want to talk about?" he said, as the wind whistled through the cacti. He had a full beard and was wearing a white t-shirt and jeans. And shoes. He was also wearing shoes.

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    "How about the fact that you owe me a decent cup of coffee," I said, crossing my arms.

    "Besides that," he said. "I''ll send you the money through that phone app. Do you have that phone app?"

    "Yes, I do, and what I wanted to talk about is how you can''t remove your mark, Cain," I said. "It will destroy the fabric of reality."

    "What are you talking about?" Cain asked.

    "If you remove the mark, God''s judgement will break and he''ll basically lose all his godly powers," I said.

    "How is that possible? He''s God. It should be impossible for him to lose his powers," Cain said.

    "God''s judgement is supposed to be absolute, so if something were to somehow break it, it would break his ability to judge. If his judgement didn''t work in this instance, why would it work in other instances? At least, that''s how I was told it works," I said.

    "This doesn''t make sense. Samael didn''t tell me about this," he said, holding his head.

    "Who''s Samael?" I asked. The name sounded familiar, but I didn''t remember where I knew it from. It had to be biblical, but what part?

    "I am Samael," a dark booming voice sounded behind me.

    "How ominous," I said, turning around.

    Behind me stood an enormous person. He stood at about 6''5" and rippled with muscle. He had long, dirty blonde hair and amber-colored eyes. He wore robes and sandals like he had just walked out of a painting of Jesus. But not one of the good paintings. One of the ones where Jesus wasn''t detailed very well.

    "What the hell? Why do you look like Jesus?" I asked.

    "I can look like anything, Dave," he said. He transformed into a nude form of Nimby, but without hiding any of her parts. He got the skin color slightly wrong, though. She looked a little more orangish-red rather than red. "Do you like?"

    "That''s disrespectful and you should be ashamed of yourself," I said, getting angry.

    Samael transformed back into badly formed Jesus and said, "That''s a hell of a way to speak to one of your betters!"

    "You''re my better? In what way?" I asked.

    "Well, I''m a fallen angel for one and you are a human," he said.

    "How does that make you better than me?" I asked.

    "Angels, even fallen ones, are better than humans," he said.

    "Nuh uh," I said.

    "Yeah huh," he said.

    "Nuh uh," I said.

    "Yeah huh," he said.

    "Um, fellas, can we talk like adults, please?" Cain asked.

    "Yeah!" Samael and I both said.

    "Hey! Stop it!" we both said.

    "No, you stop it!" we said.

    "No, you stop it!" we said again.

    "Fine!" we said and turned away from each other.

    Over my shoulder I said, "So what''s the deal? Are you the big bad evil guy I have to defeat? How did you even orchestrate all this? The circle breakouts with Genghis Khan and Judas. Even with shapeshifting, it couldn''t be as easy as just walking in dressed as a guard, could it?"

    "I didn''t walk in dressed as a guard. I walked in dressed as you," he said, emphasizing his point by transforming into an ugly version of me. He didn''t get my chin right. It was too small.

    "Ok, but that couldn''t have been it, right? There was more to it, I bet," I said.

    "There was. For instance, I had to infiltrate your staff," he said. He transformed into Chef Demi from my kitchen staff. He got the eyes wrong. They looked like toad''s eyes.

    "Oh, so that''s why my burgers started tasting like shit," I said.

    "What do you mean? My burgers are fine," Samael said.

    "Your burgers suck. Even your toasted bagels could use to some work. I don''t know how you screw up toasting a bagel, but you managed it. I''ve had roadkill that tasted better," I said.

    "Oh, come on! How hard is it to flip a burger or press down a toaster?" He said.

    "I don''t know how hard it is for most people, but apparently it''s hard for you," I said. "Wait. Is that why Nimby has been hitting on me so much lately? Because you replaced good natured Demi and started pushing her?" I asked, putting my hands on my hips.

    "No! Well, maybe! But she wasn''t doing what she was supposed to! She didn''t read the handbook!" Samael protested, slapping one of his hands into his other hand.

    "You bastard! How dare you mess with my staff! Chef Demi better not be dead, or I''ll shove my hand so far down your throat, I''ll pull your butthole through your mouth!" I roared.

    "I''d like to see you try!" he said.

    "You killed Chef Demi?" I said.

    "No, Chef Demi is fine," he said.

    "Oh, ok. Good. I''m still going to kick your ass!" I said.

    "Do it!" Samael said.

    "I will!" I said, rolling up my non existent sleeves.

    I teleported behind him and pulled out sword Steve, but sword Steve wasn''t there. Aw, shit. I must have lost him in Hell. If Purgatory had collected him, she surely would have given him back to me. So instead, I punched him in the back of the head.

    "Ow!" he said, holding his head. "Why''d you have to do that?"

    "Because I''m kicking your ass," I said.

    "I was kidding," he said. He turned around, performing a twisting kick that slammed into me and broke my arm.

    "Fuck!" I yelled as I fell and tumbled to the ground.

    "Not so tough now, are you, loser?" Samael said.

    "Who are you calling a loser, loser?" I said.

    I used my karmic rebalancing ability to take the bad luck from breaking my arm into good luck for my attack. Then I teleported in front of him and slashed at his head, hoping to cut it in half.

    My fingers and fingernails dug into the skin on the side of his head and then across his face, leaving a huge gash that gushed blood. I failed to cut his head in two, though.

    He felt his face and his hand came away bloody. "How dare you mar my pretty face!" he yelled.

    "That doesn''t make sense! I''ve never actually seen what you really look like!" I yelled.

    He punched me in the chest, sending me flying back and breaking a few of my ribs. I landed on the ground several feet away, next to where Cain was standing. I looked up at him.

    "Why are you just standing there? Help me fight! He wants to break God''s judgement! He might end the world!" I screamed at him.

    "Dave, I can''t. I just can''t do this anymore. I want to die. I need to die," he said, a tear rolling down his cheek.

    "That''s just it though, Cain. You won''t cease to exist when you die. You''ll go to Hell and be tortured there for all eternity if you do this. Do you want that?" I said.

    "Wait, what? What do you mean?" he asked.

    "It''s obvious, isn''t it? You either have to do good things and ask forgiveness for the bad things, or you just do bad things and ask for forgiveness for those things to get into Heaven, right?" I asked.

    "Right," he said. "I''m following."

    Samael was walking incredibly slowly and ominously toward us, allowing us to have this back-and-forth conversation. It also helped that he had punched me more than twenty feet away from him.

    "If God''s judgement is broken, he can''t forgive you for this final misdeed," I said. "You''ll go straight to Hell. Please, for the love of God, don''t let that happen! Just because I''m the administrator of Hell doesn''t mean I want to see people go there."

    "Oh, shit! You''re right! I want to die, but I want peace, not eternal torture!" he said.

    "Who does?" I asked, coughing up blood.

    "No one, that''s who," Cain said, clenching his fists and bringing them up into a fighting stance.

    "I''d like to meet this ''no one'' person you speak of sometime when I''m not dying," I said.

    "Jokes. It''s always jokes with you, Dave," Cain said.

    He walked forward to meet Samael. I didn''t think I could get up. I could do some teleporting shenanigans, but I''d only get in Cain''s way. This was his battle. I had to let him fight it.

    Cain threw a punch at Samael and Samael caught his fist. "Cute," he said.

    Samael grabbed Cain by the throat and threw him straight up in the air. Just straight up. Nothing fancy. Cain disappeared from sight. He must have thrown him into the freaking stratosphere. Holy crap. I''d never seen strength like that.

 Ch 41: The Abyss

    Samael pulled a piece of black chalk out of his robe and began drawing a circle on the ground. He made it really wide. It was nearly twenty feet in diameter. Then he started drawing symbols on the ground around the circle.

    More magic circles. Great. As if I hadn''t seen enough of those in my lifetime.

    "What are you doing?" I asked.

    "Doing magic. What does it look like?" he said.

    "What for?" I asked. I knew what it was for. It was for removing Cain''s mark. What else would it be for?

    "Removing the mark, obviously," he said.

    "Obviously," I said. "What are you going to do after that?"

    "I''ll tell you in a bit, but right now I have to concentrate," he said.

    Samael spent his time drawing symbols around the circle. I teleported around the circle on my back, trying to brush away the chalk markings, but it didn''t work. I brushed away the dirt underneath the chalk, but the chalk stayed in place.

    It was like the chalk wasn''t written on the ground. It was written on the air. It was written on the fabric of reality. So I gave up on that and tried to attack Samael again. All I got in reward for that was a broken eye socket and blindness in my left eye.

    So I gave up on that too and just waited for Cain to land. Cain landed shortly after Samael stopped drawing symbols. He sent up a ton of dirt and sand, but was unharmed.

    He got up and tried to leave the circle, but it was like there was an invisible wall keeping him from escaping.

    "Hey, let me out! Samael, I don''t want this!" Cain yelled.

    "What you want doesn''t matter anymore, Cain, darling. I''m giving you what you asked for. Now I get what I want," he said.

    He finished drawing the symbols and placed his hand on the ground among them. A nightmarish flash of black light¡ªif that can even be called a thing¡ªshot up from the circle and obscured Cain from view. I could hear him screaming, though. Apparently, the process wasn''t painless as one might expect.

    "How does this even work? Shouldn''t it be impossible to break God''s judgement?" I asked Samael.

    The mark removal process wasn''t instantaneous, like I thought it would be. Cain just kept screaming. Man, that guy had incredible lung capacity. He didn''t sound like he stopped to take breaths.

    "Demon magic. It''s the key," Samael said, smiling like he was the smartest son of a bitch alive. The smug piece of shit.

    "Aaaahhhhh!!!" Cain screamed.

    "Why? I don''t understand. How could something that God created be powerful enough to defy him? That just doesn''t make sense," I said.

    "That''s the thing. God didn''t create demons. Do you really think God would create such self centered, hedonistic, narcissistic creatures? No. He didn''t create them. He just found them in an alternate dimension where life really did start from a primordial ooze, like scientists used to think life on Earth started," he said.

    "He just subjugated them and put them to work. They''re very useful creatures. By themselves, they aren''t much, but gather the magic of millions of them, and you can defy gods, or rather God himself."

    "You''ve gathered the magic of millions of demon deals? Then how did we just notice the excess celebrity deaths?" I asked. This didn''t make sense. Surely, if they had been doing this since the beginning of time, when Cain was first marked, someone, anyone, would have noticed the higher number of deaths among celebrities.

    "That''s because Cain got impatient and sloppy. He knew we were close to having the magic, and he ramped up his killings. He couldn''t wait any longer. You know how so many celebrities seem to commit suicide or overdose on drugs or get in car accidents or get murdered? Hell, even plane accidents have killed several celebrities," he said.

    "Those were you? You faked all those deaths? Even Elvis?" I asked, incredulous.

    "No, the king did himself in. He was good like that. You may be surprised to know the king didn''t have any demon juice. That was all him," he said.

    "Why does my butthole burn?!?! It feels like I ate a years supply of spicy food!!! Ahhh!!!!" Cain wailed.

    "He''s probably the only human I''ve ever respected for that. He truly did it on his own. No wonder he went out like he did, though. That shit takes a toll on you. Although, he did steal rock and roll from black people. So he wasn''t perfect. But I digress. All the other deaths were us. Good old Cain and me." He smiled fondly, like he was feeling nostalgic.

    "Why is it starting to feel good now?!?! My butthole, I mean!!! Oooooohhh!!! Oooohhh God!!!!" Cain roared.

    "If Cain and you have been partners for this long, why would you betray him now?" I asked. Was this guy really that evil?

    "Cain and me were friends, but the hundreds of angels that were sealed in the Abyss are family. Sometimes you have to choose one over the other and in this instance, I choose family," he said, shrugging like it was no big deal.

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    "Wait, that''s what this is about? The fallen angels sealed in the Abyss?" I asked.

    "Yes. That''s what this is ''all about'' if you must use such simplistic language," he said, scoffing. "The Earth should be ours. Not humans. Humans had their chance to enjoy this world, and they squandered it. We deserve a chance to enjoy all the things ''life'' has to offer and more. Not be slaves to some faceless overlord in the sky."

    "Huh. Ok. I don''t agree with it, but I understand it," I said.

    After several minutes that probably felt like hours to Cain, the ''black light'' finally flickered and subsided. Cain collapsed to the ground like he was being held up by the light. I ran up to Cain and grabbed his hand, and wrapped my other arm around him in a hug. I don''t know why I did it. It just felt right.

    Despite barely knowing each other, he had just been through an ordeal. To have someone you had been partners with for millennia betray you must have been hard. On top of that, he went through a ton of pain.

    "Hey, buddy. Are you ok?" I said.

    "Yeah, actually, for once in my long miserable life, I am. I think I just had my first prostate orgasm," he said, with a smile that said he was still riding that high a bit. The afterglow feeling after sex, I mean.

    "Congratulations. Been there, done that. Welcome to the club," I said, still lying on the ground outside the circle. I hadn''t suddenly healed all of a sudden if you were wondering.

    "How do you feel?" I asked.

    "Good, considering the circumstances," he said.

    "That won''t last," Samael said, grimly.

    "Why?" I asked.

    "I still need to open the Abyss," he said, clenching his jaw.

    "What''s required to open the Abyss?" I asked.

    "The blood of a virgin," Samael said.

    "There are no virgins here, you idiot! Right Cain?"

    Cain didn''t say anything.

    "Right, Cain?" More desperately this time.

    Still more silence.

    "Come on, Cain. Don''t tell me you''re a virgin," I said.

    "Sorry," he said.

    "Oh, shit," I said. "We''re screwed."

    "Yes, you are," Samael said. He crossed out some of the symbols with the chalk and then drew more symbols.

    Cain got up and tried, but failed, to leave the circle again. "Samael! You don''t have to do this! I thought we were friends!" he yelled, desperately.

    "We were friends, Cain. ''Were'' being the operative word. Consider this my official resignation as your companion," he said, expressionless.

    "Alright, I''m breaking your dumb friendship bracelet you gave me!" Cain said, ripping the bracelet off his wrist and stomping on it. The beads broke on the ground.

    "Noooo!!! Why did you do that?" Samael said, glaring at Cain. "You''re going to pay for that."

    Samael pressed his hand down on a symbol and four giant black spikes stabbed through Cain''s body diagonally. He spat out blood and died almost immediately. The light went out of his eyes and his upper body collapsed forward against one of the spikes.

    There was a massive rumbling sound as the ground around us opened up, revealing a deep black abyss with millions of writhing figures inside. Then the spot of land we were on started to descend into the Abyss.

    Some of the writhing figures tried to attack us, but they bounced off an invisible wall marked by a larger outer circle that Samael had drawn. The figures tried to escape out of the Abyss next, but they were rebuffed by another invisible barrier. Apparently, the Abyss wasn''t actually open yet.

    As we slowly descended further into the Abyss, I figured it was a good time to pry more information out of Samael and get him monologuing.

    "Lucifer said the other fallen angels got sealed away in the Abyss. How did you escape getting sealed away?" I said.

    "Because I''m sneaky, like a snake," he said, transforming into a giant snake. This one had a split tail that turned into two tails at the end. Then he transformed back into a Jesus impersonator.

    "I''m actually the one who disguised themself as a serpent and convinced Eve to eat the apple. Technically, it wasn''t an apple though. Apples hadn''t been invented yet. It was just a fruit. It was a fruit that was actually just called ''fruit''. ''Fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil'', specifically, but ''fruit'' for short. But I digress," he said.

    "So Lucifer never told you about me, huh? He must have kept me a secret out of some misguided sense of loyalty or brotherhood. He was always sentimental like that. Not me though."

    "Lucifer wasn''t the only one who escaped the Abyss. I wasn''t either. Lucifer, me, and eleven other fallen angels escaped. Thirteen in total. We were labeled as devils. Aberrations. Azrael hunted us down."

    "Lucifer was the only one allowed to live since God needed someone to run Hell, and he was technically the most physically powerful. I escaped, obviously¡ªdue to my considerable talents," he shapeshifted into a pineapple for an example, "but my other brothers were slaughtered. Like cattle. Much like how the humans are going to be slaughtered."

    "While I normally enjoy having conversations with talking fruit, this one I don''t like so much," I said.

    Samael changed back into his homeless Jesus form, which I suppose was just Jesus, but he made it look weird. "Better?" he asked.

    "Not much," I said.

    "Well, you''re going to have to deal with it," he said. "This is my preferred form."

    "Why? Why not just be comfortable in your own skin?" I asked.

    "Because my skin is this," he said, transforming again. His features changed and morphed until he had none. He looked like a biologically accurate mannequin with pure white skin.

    "Oh god! That''s awful!" I said, recoiling in horror.

    He changed back to hippy Jesus and said, "See?"

    "Yeah, I see now," I said, still a little disgusted by his previous form.

    The platform of dirt and sand we were on finally stopped its descent. There was a circular half wall on one side of us and on the other were bars to a cage. The wall had an inscription on it in what looked like Aramaic¡ªfrom what I saw of the bible text that Purgy had dropped on me and Judas¡ªbut I obviously couldn''t read it.

    If only I had Judas with me. A cooperative Judas. But that bastard was still a selfish, angry person with serious issues that he should seek professional help for.

    Sometimes I felt like a lot of Hell''s inhabitants could be reformed if they just got the proper therapy they needed. Maybe that would be my next initiative. While God never said I could do that, he never said I couldn''t do that either.

    I know I pulled the same trick on Lucifer, but don''t knock it if it works. No need to change or innovate if you have a solution that actually solves the problem.

    Sure, there were the people who were fundamentally broken, but those were few and far between. It would really alleviate my circle guards if I could send most of the souls to Purgatory. That wasn''t important right now, though. I needed to focus on what was happening at this moment.

    There were people behind the bars. I guessed they were the fallen angels that Samael had mentioned. Among them were men and women. He ran up to them and said, "My brothers and sisters. Today you shall be released and we shall take back the earth!"

    They all cheered in some form or another. Samael went over to the wall and read the inscription. He walked to the wall next to it and pressed several stone bricks in a specific order. After a few moments that seemed to stretch on forever, a great grinding noise could be heard throughout the chamber.

    The bars came up and walls shifted. The angels poured out of the cage along with every monster held within the Abyss. I watched as they flooded out.

    Samael looked back at me. "Farewell, Dave. May we never meet again." He sprouted massive wings and flew away from me, leaving me alone in the bottom of the Abyss.

    I was about to teleport back to the Red Valley hospital to get fixed up again, when I noticed something strange lying on the ground.

 Ch 42: Im Home

    It was a white object lying in the dirt. It had the intricacies of loops and shapes that made up the Mark of Cain. It must have been the physical representation of the mark. I tried to pick it up, but immediately dropped it. It was hot. Really hot. Like it burned my fingertips hot.

    I ripped off a piece of my shirt and tried to grab it with that, and it was like it wasn''t hot at all. By that I mean, it didn''t give off heat, but whenever my skin touched it, it burned. Grabbing it with cloth was fine though. I wrapped it in the piece of my shirt and stuffed it in my pocket.

    I didn''t understand why it burned, but it felt like something important to keep close. I wasn''t sure what I could do with it now that Cain was dead, but still.

    Everything was about to go to Hell in a handbasket, as they say. God had no power, Cain was dead¡ªso we couldn''t put the mark back on him, unless we had some way of reviving him¡ªand all the fallen angels and monsters in the Abyss were free. Put that on your apocalypse bingo card.

    What was I going to do? I was powerless to stop the coming apocalypse. I just wasn''t strong enough. Samael by himself could beat me and now he had an army of fallen angels on his side. And then there was the issue of the monsters that had escaped from the Abyss.

    The Earth was screwed and there was nothing I could do about it. What would I do? I didn''t know. Right now I only knew one thing. I needed healing. After that, I didn''t know. But that didn''t matter. I teleported to the ER of the Red Valley Hospital. Not in the middle of the room. Off to the side. I figured they probably already had someone in there, and they did. I didn''t get a good look at them, but it looked like they had something stuck in their butt.

    "It''s Dave! He''s critically injured! Get him to the ER!" a nurse said.

    "We''re in the ER," someone else said.

    "Get him to a different ER," the nurse said. "This one''s occupied."

    "Oh ok," someone said. My vision was blurry, and I wasn''t exactly passing out, but my eyes weren''t open either. I was just really tired, and I needed some rest.

    <hr>

    I woke up in a hospital bed. I wasn''t attached to any fancy machines other than a heartbeat monitor. A nurse walked into my room and said, "You''re awake. So I have some good news and some bad news."

    "Give me the bad news first," I said.

    "That''s not really how this works. I always give the good news first, then I say ''but'' and then I give the bad news," she said.

    "That''s fine. Do that," I said. That was slightly weird, but it sounded more theatrical, so I was for it, anyway.

    "Ok. So good news is you''re going to be fine, but the bad news is you have new body parts," she said, grimacing.

    "Seriously? Did I grow a second one?" I asked.

    She looked at me with a serious but confused expression. "No, you didn''t grow a second one, but you have a lot of brand new ones."

    "Like what?" I asked. I was mildly excited by this. I don''t know why. Maybe I felt like it would bring me closer to Margaret. Or maybe it felt like a present. Or maybe both.

    "Well, you''ve got horns, a tail, and my favorite, wings," she said.

    "Why?" I said.

    "The CRA. The cellular regeneration accelerator combined with your new demon organs must have ''regenerated'' body parts the DNA in your demon organs thought you were supposed to have," she said.

    "How does that work?" I asked.

    "I''m not really sure. If we opened you up, I bet we''d see trails of demon tissue leading to all the new body parts, but that''s the most I can assume. I don''t quite know why that happened," she said.

    "Huh. I guess I''m gonna need one of those human disguise things now," I said.

    "I''d say so. Unless you want people to run away screaming. Although, I don''t know, maybe you do want that," she said.

    "No, not usually. Only on Tuesdays," I laughed.

    She laughed. "Oh really? My day is Thursday," she said, smiling. She had nice white teeth. Like a shark.

    Speaking of shark teeth, where was my girlfriend? Was she still in the hospital?

    "Do you know if my girlfriend Margaret is still in the hospital?" I asked.

    "She got sent home a few hours ago," she said.

    "Oh. Am I good to go? I want to see her," I said.

    "Yeah, you''re fine. I''ll just forge your signature a few times. No big deal," she said.

    "You''re a cool nurse," I said.

    "Thanks," she said.

    This novel is published on a different platform. Support the original author by finding the official source.

    "Ok, bye now!" I said, teleporting back home.

    I appeared in front of my house. It felt appropriate to walk in rather than teleport in. I opened the door and called out to Margaret. "Margaret! I''m home!"

    "We''re in the kitchen, dear!" she replied.

    We? Oh yeah, I had a kid. I''m dumb sometimes. When I walked into the kitchen, my son, Fitzwilliam Elijah Daverson was sitting in a high chair next to the table eating what appeared to be soup.

    Maybe it was baby food, but I thought he would be eating normal food by age one. Who knows. I just missed my wife. I mean, girlfriend. I missed my girlfriend.

    Margaret was washing dishes at the sink and I hugged her from behind. I smelled her hair. It smelled like cinnamon and fire lilies. It reminded me of home. I was home. I was finally home after three days of reading the bible with the most notorious prisoner of Hell.

    "Welcome home, dear. I saved you a piece of cake from the party. It''s Hellish Vanilla. I think you''ll like it," she said, grabbing my hand and kissing it.

    "I haven''t heard of that. Is that Hell''s take on German chocolate?" I said, kissing the back of her neck. She was warm, but she always was. She was a demon and this was Hell.

    "Yes it is, and it''s fire," she said, finishing her dishes and turning around. She stared deep into my eyes and kissed me.

    After we ended the kiss, I said, "I love the enthusiasm, but no one says things are ''fire'' anymore."

    She looked at me confused and slightly hurt. "What do you mean? People always have and always will call things ''fire'' down here. It''s Hell."

    I thought about it and realized Earth might have actually stolen that slang from Hell. Those bastards. "Oh. Right. Sorry dear. Carry on. I''m sorry for missing Eli''s birthday. You''ll never believe this, but I was stuck in Purgatory by Purgatory, playing limbo with Judas. I couldn''t leave."

    "I understand, dear. Just try not to miss too many of them," she said, kissing me on the forehead. She had to pull my head down to do it. While many things were different in Hell, women were still shorter than men on average.

    Margaret looked at me funny. "I don''t know what it is, but you seem different."

    I raised an eyebrow at her so high I thought it might fly off my face. "You don''t know what it is about me that''s different? Seriously?"

    She put her hand over her chin. "Yeah, something is definitely different, but I just can''t put my finger on it."

    I leaned forward pointing at the horns sticking out of my head. "You can''t," then I spread out my wings so they could be seen behind my back, "be serious." Then I turned and pointed at the point above my butt where my tail began.

    "Yeah, I don''t know what it is," she said, shaking her head and scrunching her eyebrows together.

    I grabbed her by the shoulders and looked her deep in her pitch black irises. "What about the horns sticking out of my head, the wings coming out of my back, or the tail sprouting out of my butt?"

    She looked at me with innocent confusion. "Didn''t you always have those?"

    "No! I just got them at the hospital by accident," I said, stamping my foot in play frustration.

    "Huh. They just seem so fitting on you that it feels like you''ve had those for years," she said. She was the most genuine woman I''d ever met in my life. She meant what she was saying.

    "Huh," I said, feeling my horns. "I guess I do like them. Thanks."

    "No problem. I''ll always be here to boost your confidence. Now that''ll be $500!" She smiled with her brilliant white sharp teeth and put out her hand.

    "I wish I could just make $500 appear in your hand like Lucifer could, but I don''t have that apparatus yet," I said.

    "It''s ok. I was just kidding. There are much easier ways for me to make $500 than ask you for it," she said.

    "What does that mean?" I asked, genuinely confused. What did that mean?

    "Nothing," she said. She grabbed my hand and pulled me over to Eli sitting in the high chair. "Come on. I need to introduce you to Eli. He''s needs to know who his Daddy is. Sorry, I mean, Dad."

    "Nice save. Ok," I said following her.

    Margaret looked at Eli and said, "Eli, this is your Dad. He helped make you. He combined a piece of his DNA with a piece of my DNA to create you! Isn''t that wonderful?"

    "Uh¡ª" I began to say.

    "DNA!" Eli said. Although, he didn''t say it that eloquently. It sounded like he was saying "dinna."

    "Dinna! Dad! Dinna! Mommy!" Eli said, waving what I assumed was supposed to be a child''s toy around, but was actually just a small spiked club. Seemed dangerous, but I had gotten into enough trouble lately questioning Hell''s customs. I didn''t need anymore disagreements.

    "Yes. I''m your Dad, kiddo. Eli," I said, putting out my finger. I hoped he would grab it like he did when he was born, but instead he bit it, drawing blood.

    "Ow!" I said.

    "He he," Eli giggled, waving his club around.

    "Don''t worry, honey. He''s still teething. He wasn''t trying to hurt you," she said. She got out a first aid kit and cleaned my wound. Then she wrapped it in a bandage. "All better."

    "Thank you," I said, bending my finger. It felt fine. Man, he was going to be a monster when he grew up if he could get through my super toughness already. I''d have to step up my game if I didn''t want my son kicking my ass when he got older.

    "So what happened?" Margaret said. "Did you save the world again?"

    "Not exactly," I said, scratching my head and avoiding her eyes.

    "What do you mean, ''not exactly''? Is the world saved or not?" she asked.

    "No. It''s not saved. I don''t know what to do. There''s this fallen angel guy who''s stronger than me. Samael. He kicked my ass. And now he''s opened the Abyss and freed hundreds of other fallen angels and legions of unspeakable monsters. I''m just not strong enough for this, but I don''t know who is either," I said.

    "The Abyss has been opened? That''s insane! Everything I''ve read about it in my demon texts is bad news," Margaret said.

    "It''s worse than you''ve probably read. I''ve seen the monsters with my own eyes. They are horrifying to say the least," I said. "And now they''re spreading out across the Nevada desert. They could make it to a populated area at any moment."

    "And that''s not the worst part. God''s judgement has been broken. He has no power unless I can put the mark back on Cain and Cain is dead."

    "Have you tried putting it on his dead body?" she asked.

    "No, but I have a feeling that won''t work. Something tells me he has to be alive. The point of the mark is to keep a person alive forever. It can''t do that if they''re dead," I said.

    "Well, have you considered putting the mark on someone else?" she said. "Does it have to be on Cain?"

    My eyes widened. I hadn''t thought of that. "I don''t know. Maybe not. Maybe it can go on anyone. But who would I put it on? I can''t give it to just anyone. Someone could do a lot of damage with it if they wanted to."

    "It would have to be someone you trust. Someone you know won''t abuse it," she said.

    "That only leaves me, you, and Steve. It should be me. It''s my fault we''re in this situation. Besides, it will give me a huge power up against Samael and his fallen angels. They won''t be able to hurt me anymore," I said, determination etching itself across my face.

    "Dave, it''s not your fault this happened. It''s the people who did it''s fault. That isn''t a bad idea though. You could certainly use a power up right now," she said. "Maybe ask Lucifer or God how to activate more of the gems on your crown. That thing should give you enough power to defeat them."

    "That might be a good idea. I don''t want to fight Samael unprepared again," I said.

    "The one thing you have to consider is that with the mark, you''ll outlive us," she said, gesturing to herself and Eli.

    "What?" I said. I didn''t think of that.

 Ch 43: Gearing Up

    "You''ll outlive us," Margaret said again.

    "What do you mean? You''re not going to die," I said, rather naively.

    "What do you mean, dear? Everyone dies. Well, except you won''t," she said.

    "But I don''t want you to die. How would you even die, anyway? Demons don''t age," I said.

    "Yes, but we can be killed," she said with a look of pity on her face.

    "But I won''t let you be killed," I said, hugging Margaret. I couldn''t deal with this right now. I knew it would happen, but not anytime soon. If it didn''t happen soon, I could just pretend like it would never happen, right? Right?

    "Honey, you can''t be everywhere all the time. Eventually, it will happen. Maybe tomorrow, maybe centuries from now. Maybe even millennia, but it will happen," she said, holding the side of my face in her hand.

    "It won''t," I said. "I won''t let it."

    "Oh, dear," she said, hugging me back.

    After several minutes, I said, "Hypothetically, if you did die, what would happen to your soul? Where do demons go when they die?"

    "We go to the Underworld," she said.

    "You mean, even if I die too, we wouldn''t go to the same afterlife? Where is this Underworld? What is it?" I asked desperately.

    "It''s a retirement facility for demons," she said.

    "What? Where is it?" I asked.

    "Deep underground. Beneath the amber layer of Hell," she said.

    "You mean it''s an actual physical place?" I asked.

    "Everything is a physical place, dear. Even Heaven is a physical place. It''s just in a different dimension from Earth," she said, stroking the back of my head.

    "So, hypothetically, if you died, I could visit you in this Underworld? Could I live there with you?" I said.

    "I suppose so, but no human has ever been to the Underworld before," she said.

    "Yeah, but I''m part demon now. That should qualify me for entry, right?" I said.

    "I suppose it would," she said, scratching her chin. "Let''s not think too hard on this, though. If everything goes as it should, Eli and I shouldn''t die for quite some time from now."

    "Ok," I said. I got what I wanted out of the conversation. Hope. I didn''t want to live eternally, whether in soul or physical form, without Margaret and my son.

    Eli made happy kid noises as he smashed his club into the bowl of food in front of him. It splashed on Margaret and me and some got in my mouth. Chili. Margaret was feeding our one-year-old son chili. And she was telling him about how we mixed our DNA together. Getting used to this whole Hell culture thing was going to take a while.

    <hr>

    I teleported just outside the office of the Director for the Fortress of Bureaucracy. Now I haven''t introduced him yet, so you may be feeling a little disoriented, but I''m sure you''ll come to like him in a very short time, as I did.

    After a series of confusing events, Nigel Hellthorne went from mild mannered office clerk, to mild mannered Director of the Fortress of Bureaucracy. The story as he tells it goes that he found an amulet being used as a lens replacement in a copier that gave him the power of clear communication that he previously lacked.

    This newly found power of communication allowed him to jump several rungs of bureaucratic hierarchy mostly by accident. Then once he had reached the highest office, he lost the amulet, but found out he had the power to communicate within him all along.

    It was all very ''made for TV'' movie to me, but he loved to tell it. I opened the door to his office, despite the protests from his administrative assistant Suzy, telling me he was busy. Her ears literally steamed in frustration, but I was used to it at this point. Her boiling ears didn''t bother me anymore.

    When I walked in, there were several people in business casual attire in varying states of disheveled. Some of them were wearing ties on their heads. Some of them had their sleeves rolled up. One woman was actually using an oil bottle to create fake sweat stains in the armpits of her shirt.

    "Three buttons for men, five buttons for women. No more than that. You don''t want people to think you''re trying to get them into the bedroom. Just that you''re tired, it''s hot, and it''s the end of the day," Nigel said.

    He noticed me. He excitedly gestured for me to come up to the front of the room. "It looks like we have a surprise guest! Dave is a professional at looking exhausted at work. He does this thing with his hair where it always seems like he''s just gotten out of bed or just about to go to bed."

    If you come across this story on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.

    I looked at him funny. "That''s just how my hair looks all the time."

    "That''s because you''re a natural. You bring business casual to a new low," he said, smiling like he''d just complimented me.

    "Uh, thanks I guess," I said, not sure how to take that.

    "Alright, everyone. Great workshop today. Let''s pick it up again at the same time next week," he said. "Good job today, Carol. Excellent shoulder exposure technique."

    "Thanks, boss!" Carol said.

    Everyone filed out like they were half asleep, but I couldn''t tell if that was part of the business casual tired look they were going for or if they were actually that exhausted. The fact I couldn''t tell just showed the power of Nigel''s teachings. He was a great leader. I still didn''t understand their work culture in Hell, but the team building energy was excellent.

    Once everyone had filed out and Nigel closed the doors to his office, he turned to me and said, "What can I do for you today, Dave? Do you need any water, coffee, a back rub?"

    What Virtue had said earlier flashed through my mind. They were so alike. "No, but thanks. I need your help with acquisitions."

    "Why didn''t you go to the acquisitions department? They should be able to help you there," he said, a concerned look on his face.

    "I plan to, but I''m not as good at the paperwork as you. I need you to fill out the paperwork for me so I can take it to acquisitions and get what I''m looking for," I said, pinching the bridge of my nose.

    "Oh. Sure! I can do that," he said, getting some forms from a series of shelves against the wall. "What do you need?"

    "I need weapons and personnel," I said. Just an army of demons. Nothing fancy.

    "You''re going to need an L-0-L-Z, a B-52, and a G-WIZ," he said with a completely straight face. I guessed he was serious. Hell had some weird form names.

    "What are those for? Why three forms? Shouldn''t I just need one for personnel and one for weapons?" I asked.

    "Two are to requisition weapons and personnel and the third is to explain why you need the weapons and personnel," he said.

    "Oh. Ok, I guess. Can you fill them out for me?" I said.

    "Sure. How many and what do you need?" He said, getting out a pen.

    "A thousand men and women, three hundred K-9 units (hellhound class), armed with pitchforks, whips, and ball traps," I said.

    "No gravity wells or laser discs?" He asked, as he started filling out the forms.

    "No. They''re more trouble than they''re worth," I said. I didn''t need people hurting each other with their weapons. "Actually, on second thought, get some gravity wells and laser discs, but just for my personal use."

    "Done," Nigel said, continuing to fill out the forms.

    "Oh, and arm everyone with a thermos of hot coffee," I said.

    "Why?" he asked.

    "You''d be surprised how effective it is against supernatural entities," I said, remembering how much it hurt Cain when he punched the coffee out of my hand.

    "Ok, done," he said. He finished the forms and handed them to me. "Here. Hand those in at acquisitions and you''ll have your army. How are you going to get them to Earth?"

    "I was thinking Dimension Station. Is there any other way?" I said.

    "No, but you''re going to need to file another form to shut it down to transport an army," he said, grabbing another form and filling it out. He handed it to me. "Give that to Transportation."

    "Thanks. Will do," I said. "So, I wanted to invite you to my next ''save the world'' party. I have someone I want you to meet."

    "Oh, yeah? In what capacity? Is this a networking opportunity?" he asked, excited.

    "Sort of. I meant it more in a romantic capacity," I said, rolling up the forms he''d handed to me.

    "Hmm. Interesting. Why do you want to introduce her to me? I''m not exactly a ladies'' man," he said.

    "First off, don''t sell yourself short. Second, it''s because she has a unique personality that I think you would be a good match for," I said, waving my rolled up forms at him.

    "Really? How so?" he asked, leaning forward.

    "Well, she''s actually two people in one body. One of them is a hedonist and the other one is a caring and giving intellectual. I figured you as a kind hearted demon would be able to match her dual nature," I said, still waving around the forms.

    "Be careful with those. They''re dangerous in the wrong hands," he said, looking at the forms. "But to what you said, I''m intrigued. I''ve never been in a harem, but I''m not saying no. Technically, I haven''t been in any type of relationship before, but let''s not get bogged down by technicalities." He laughed nervously.

    "I''m not sure it would be a harem since they are technically in one body, but they don''t pay me to think about those kinds of things. They don''t pay me at all! And that''s just it. She hasn''t been in a relationship before either. You''d both be going in with the same amount of experience. None. There''s no way it can go wrong," I said.

    "Ok! I''m game! Count me in!" he said. "Assuming you save the world, as you always do, I will be at that party." He put his hand out to shake.

    I shook it. "I don''t know why we''re shaking hands on this, but that''s great news. I knew I could count on you, Nigel. I gotta go get these forms submitted before anyone clocks out though. Have a good rest of your day." I started to walk away.

    "You too!" he said, waving, even though we were only five feet apart.

    <hr>

    I handed in the forms at Acquisitions and Transportation. They were surprisingly happy to see me. They hadn''t had any non routine work in a while. They were excited to do something interesting for a change.

    That and they loved the office gossip ammo I was giving them. They weren''t supposed to share the details of their work with other departments, but even in a bureaucracy as large and complex as Hell''s, no one followed that rule.

    <hr>

    Next was getting sword Steve back, and a couple more potentially rewarding visits. I teleported roughly to where I remembered I left sword Steve and came up a curious sight.

    The escaped prisoners that had followed Judas had set up makeshift fires and were playing cards around them and chatting. Boy, were they in for a rude awakening. I looked around and found sword Steve among the rubble of the electric vehicles. The inmates still hadn''t noticed me yet.

    "So I said, ''Where''s your husband?'' She said she didn''t know and threw herself at me," one of the escaped prisoners boasted.

    "Inmate V-227145. That''s not how it went and you know it. Now you all have two choices. You can either throw yourselves in the fire and go back to the Pit of the Damned that way, or I can tear you apart piece by piece. It''s up to you," I said.

    They gave me looks of terror. Half of them threw themselves in the fire, and I cut the rest of them to shreds. I put sword Steve back in the sheath. I didn''t have to wipe any blood away, which was nice. Sword Steve burned the blood off his surface, so I didn''t have to.

    I looked toward the Dire Wilds and Shadow Canyon, anticipating what was to come. I crossed my fingers, hoped for the best, and teleported away from the carnage I had created.

 Ch 44: Partnering Up

    I teleported over the Dire Wilds and spread out my new wings to glide above and try to find Fred, the dire unicorn. I saw a lot of uncomfortable things I didn''t want to see.

    Animals and monsters fighting and eating each other mostly, but there was the occasional feral demon child that reminded me of the hospital''s practice of releasing unwanted children into the wild. I still wasn''t sure how I felt about that.

    The wings felt interesting. There was a strain in my back I wasn''t used to, but being able to fly beat the fact that I would probably have to hire a professional masseuse from now on.

    The tail was another interesting feature. I kept putting it in my mouth, like a child sucking on their thumb. I realized I probably shouldn''t do that in public, but it was so soothing.

    The horns were kind of just there. I assumed they made me look extra cool, but that was about it. They didn''t have nerve endings or anything, as far as I was aware.

    I knew I could already fly at this point and technically didn''t need Fred, but steeds were cool and I was already going to fly over the Dire Wilds to Shadow Canyon, so I might as well pick him up along the way.

    I noticed a herd of dire unicorns below me, but Fred was suspiciously not among them. As I was looking around the forested area nearby hoping to catch a glimpse of his long black mane and impressive musculature, I heard a neigh behind me.

    I tried to look behind me, but before I could, a dire unicorn horn stabbed me in the butt and I learned a new meaning of discomfort. I was still super tough, so I wasn''t exactly injured, but boy did that not feel good.

    I told you to watch out for those dire unicorns and their butt stabbing ways. I should''ve listened to my own advice. I looked behind me as I was flown around by my butt to see Fred. He did not look happy to see me.

    "Fred! What a pleasant surprise to see you! If you would kindly unhand my butt, I would be happy to pet your mane and feed you carrots!" I said.

    Realizing I would actually need to get carrots to feed him with, I teleported to the last grocery store I had been to, gathered up a bag of infernal carrots¡ªthey were black with a pulsing red glow from within¡ªwaited in line, paid for them, and teleported back to Fred.

    When I teleported back to my previous uncomfortable position with Fred''s horn up my butt, it occurred to me that I could just teleport out of this position. The bigger question was why I teleported back into that position in the first place.

    I teleported onto Fred''s back. He thrashed and neighed. I fished a carrot out of my grocery bag and put it in front of his face. He looked at it and immediately chomped on it with his teeth.

    He greedily ate the carrot up. He tried to eat my hand and my wrist too, but unfortunately they were too tough for him to bite through. I put another carrot in front of his face, but this time when he went to bite it, I pulled on his mane.

    "No no no, Fred. If you want another carrot, you have to behave," I said.

    He thrashed and jerked his head, but I held him firm. After several minutes, he realized he would either have to cooperate or I would be in control of his head for a long time.

    He settled down and stopped moving his head. "That''s better. Now you may have another carrot."

    I put the carrot in his mouth. He ate that one up too, just as greedily, but he didn''t try to bite my hand this time. I let go of his mane and he didn''t thrash or neigh anymore. He just kept running straight ahead, creating the gray scale stone rainbow beneath his hooves that I remembered.

    Pulling on his mane, I guided him toward Shadow Canyon. When we got close to the wall of shadow, Fred neighed and protested, but I petted his mane and told him everything was going to be alright in a soothing voice and he seemed to calm down.

    He stopped just before the black wall of shadow and smoke. I was ready for this. I hurled an infernal carrot into the wall and Fred ran in after it. Once inside, I could see the red pulsing light of the carrot as it fell through the air.

    Fred ran as fast as he could and grabbed it out of the air, devouring it. He kept running, and I directed him as I looked for Gilbert. I saw a few floating lights that bobbed up and down. Those were the giant angler fish.

    We kept going until I saw a pool of glowing blood. I had Fred drop down, and I called out. "Gilbert! You still alive?"

    The glowing skeleton on the ground stirred. "Undead, but yes, I''m still among the living, so to speak. What do you need, Administrator?"

    "I need your help fighting some abyssal creatures and fallen angels. Are you in?" I said.

    "What do I get out of it?" He asked.

    "Any life force you steal, you get to keep," I said. I figured that would be sufficiently motivating.

    Stolen novel; please report.

    "I''ll do it! When do we leave?" he said.

    "First, I have to visit a friend and then we''ll be on our way," I said, dropping down further. I got off Fred and grabbed Gilbert''s arm while still touching Fred.

    I tried to teleport us to Heaven, but nothing happened. Then I let go of Gilbert and Fred, thinking maybe they weren''t allowed in Heaven, and I tried again. Still nothing.

    Weird. Maybe they had locked it down, with Judas being on the loose and everything. Since we couldn''t get to Heaven, we''d visit the control room instead. I put my hands on Gilbert and Fred again and tried to teleport us to the control room.

    This one worked. We popped into the control room, and I heard loud, shrill screams. I looked around and saw that the Steves were screaming their heads off at the sight of Fred and Gilbert.

    "Steves! Stop that! It''s like you''ve never seen a necromancer and a dire unicorn before," I said.

    "We haven''t," they all said in unison.

    "Oh," I said. I guess that hadn''t occurred to me. "Well, still stop screaming. I can''t think when you''re doing that."

    "Yes, boss," they said and went back to their consoles.

    "Thank you," I said.

    "Dave! You''re finally here!"

    I looked around to see Margaret. She had Eli in a stroller, but she was wearing her usual assistant administrator clothes, or ''secretary clothes'', as she called them.

    "Yes, dear," I said.

    "Don''t ''dear'' me when we''re in the office," she said.

    "Right. Sorry. Margaret. How can I help you?" I said.

    "That''s better. I found something in the demon texts about your crown. I know how you can light up another one of the gems," she said.

    "Oh, good. Thank you. How do we do that?" I said.

    "This may be difficult for you, being such a prude and all. You have to give in to temptation. You have to sin," she said.

    "I''m going to ignore the snide comment in favor of focusing on the more important thing. I have to sin? Why?" I said.

    "Because that''s how the crown''s powers are activated. It perfectly explains why you haven''t been able to activate any of the other powers after three years, and it explains why the only power you can activate is teleportation," she said.

    "Ok, I get why I haven''t been able to activate other powers. I''m not very sinful. But how can I activate the teleportation power then? What sin am I giving in to?" I said.

    "Hubris. The desire to be everywhere, solve everything, and unwillingness to accept you have limitations, just like everyone else," she said.

    "Oh. Ouch. That makes so much sense, but also hurts really bad. It''s not fair. I want to solve all the problems and fix everything and make everything better," I said.

    "And that''s why you have the teleportation ability. Because you can''t let go of your hubris," she said. "Just because you have a big penis, metaphorically, doesn''t mean you have to swing it around everywhere."

    "Again, ow. That hurts. But it''s true. What am I supposed to do then? Just let bad things happen?" I said. "Also, why did you say metaphorically?"

    "I didn''t think you''d want the whole office to know you have a big one. You men and your pride over the size of your genitals. I''ll never understand it," she said. "And yes. That is exactly what you''re supposed to do. God lets bad things happen all the time, and He''s supposed to be perfect, right? That''s what you said."

    "Right. So, does that mean I shouldn''t save the world from Samael?" I said, letting my shoulders droop.

    "No. It means you have to have priorities. You have to pick and choose what''s important to you and work within your limitations," she said.

    "Oh. I suppose that makes sense. So how does that work in terms of the crown then? Am I supposed to give in to hubris to maintain my teleportation ability?" I said.

    "Yes, and no. The texts say you simply have to give in to the sin or feel the emotion behind the sin when you want to activate the ability. You don''t have to give in to it all the time. That just invites chaos. That would make you no better than Lucifer was when he was the Devil," she said.

    "That makes sense. So I have to give in to temptation, learn what that feels like, master it, and then only give in to it when I want to use the power?" I said.

    "Exactly," she said. "You catch on quick."

    "Don''t patronize me," I said.

    "Sorry dear," she said.

    "It''s ok," I said. "Wait, how come you get to ''dear'' me, but I can''t ''dear'' you in the office?"

    "Feminism," she said.

    "Oh. Fair," I said. She got me there.

    "Of course it''s fair. It''s feminism," she said, her hands on her hips. "Before we go any further, I''d like to address the elephants in the room. What''s with the unicorn and the skeleton?"

    "Oh! Sorry! These are my new allies. I would say friends, but we''re not that close yet. The dire unicorn is Fred. I named him that. And the skeleton is Gilbert. He''s a necromancer. He''s going to help us in the battle against Samael and the abyssal creatures," I said.

    "My name is certainly Gilbert, but I''d like to clarify, I am not an animated skeleton. Those are usually mindless and they can''t use magic like I can. I am a lich, thank you very much, and I expect to be referred to as such," Gilbert the lich said.

    "Apologies, your lichness," Margaret said, doing a curtsy.

    "Thank you," Gilbert said. He looked at me with his empty eye sockets. "You could learn a thing or two from this delightful young lady, Administrator."

    "My name is not Administrator. It''s Dave. And I have learned a thing or two from her. She''s my girlfriend," I said.

    "Girlfriend? You young whipper snappers and your informal courtship terms. I''ll never understand it," he said.

    "Right," I said. "So how do we start this crown power up process?"

    "I think you should start with one sin and master it," she said.

    "Which one? I''d want it to be something that gives me offensive power, so I can actually hurt Samael this time instead of feeling like I''m punching a brick wall," I said, rubbing my fist.

    "I agree. You already have defense covered with the Mark of Cain. Where did you put it, by the way?" she said.

    "Oh, I haven''t put it on yet," I said.

    "You haven''t? Isn''t it kind of important you do that as soon as possible? Without it active, God has no power, right?" she said.

    "Oh shit. Right. Uh, where should I put it? Lower abdomen?" I said.

    "Why would you put it right above your dong?" Margaret asked, raising an eyebrow. "Is that some macho man BS that I don''t understand?"

    I hung my head. "Yeah, you caught me. It is a macho man thing. But where should I put it then?"

    "Why not over your heart?" she said. "That would be cool and symbolic, right? Still pretty macho, too."

    "Actually, that''s a really good idea. I like that," I said, pulling the mark out of my pocket and unwrapping it from the cloth. I lined it up with the approximate location of my heart and pressed it against my skin.

    "I didn''t mean to do it right this second. Don''t you want something to bite on?" she said.

    It burned like hell and not in a good way. "Ahhh!!!" Searing pain lit up my brain like fireworks. I didn''t pass out, but for once, I wished I could.

 Ch 45: Powering Up and Megalomania

    Once the white hot pain subsided, I looked down at my chest and saw a similar raised brand-like mark that Cain had. The mark itself must have embedded itself under my skin and the skin healed over it. I pulled out sword Steve and tried to impale myself through the stomach with him. Nothing happened. Sword Steve was hot and sharp, but he did nothing to my skin. It didn''t even hurt. It just felt like warm pressure.

    "Dave! Don''t do that! That''s dangerous!" Margaret said.

    "Margaret, I''m fine. I''m invincible now. Nothing can hurt me, except your disappointment," I said.

    "Ok, I''ll try not to be as disappointed in you as I have been lately," she said, pushing her lips out in a goofy way.

    "Thank you. You have no idea how much that means to me," I said, smiling with my eyes closed. I looked down at the mark on my chest. "I wonder if this is removable. Samael did magic to it to make it come off Cain. Do you think the magic has to be done every time or just the once to make it removable?"

    "Considering how much magic it probably took to remove, I''d hope it was just the once. I don''t want to be single in the afterlife because my partner can''t die," she said.

    "Me neither. Should I wait until the world isn''t in danger to try to remove it?" I said.

    "What, you want to keep me in suspense? I''d kick you in the balls if I thought it would actually hurt you," she said, hands on hips.

    "That''s funny. It might actually feel good now," I laughed.

    "Which is why I''m keeping my feet on the ground," she said. She waited a few seconds. "Are you going to take the thing off or not?"

    "Hold your horses, lady! Give me a second before I ''kali ma'' my chest open," I said.

    I placed my fingers on the outside of the mark and tried to grab it through my skin. It had hard edges, like it really was an object embedded under my skin. I pulled at it and the skin slowly opened and revealed the mark, allowing me to remove it.

    I dropped it on the ground because it was burning my hand. "Ow! I guess I can remove it."

    The skin over my chest was smooth and unmarked. So the mark was only temporary. And it could be removed, but not quickly or easily. Like in the middle of a fight. I''d have to be restrained and my opponent would need to know I had it and where it was located on my body.

    I had a weird thought. What if I put it somewhere no one would think to look? Like my perineum. No that would just be too weird. Right? Or would it?

    No, I couldn''t do that. Not only would it just be strange, it would also be incredibly uncomfortable and hurt a lot to put on and take off. Over the heart would have to be good enough.

    As long as I wore a shirt, Samael wouldn''t know where it was. And he''d actually have to know it was removable. I could just pretend that it wasn''t. That''s what I would do. It was decided.

    "Phew! That''s a relief," Margaret said, wiping her brow. "It''s good to know you''ll be able to die when the time comes."

    "In any other context, that would sound very strange," I said, smiling.

    "Even in this context, it does," she said, laughing.

    I looked into her beautiful, empty black eyes and said, "I love you."

    "Aw, honey. I love you too," she said, kissing me.

    We held the kiss for longer than we probably should have in an office environment, but it felt nice. Get off my back.

    "Ok. Now let''s get to the getting," I said. "Which sin should I focus on to activate a new power for my fight with Samael?"

    "I was thinking wrath," Margaret said while picking a white fuzzy off her pantsuit jacket. "It''s the most likely to give you some sort of offensive power you can use to fight. You''ll just have to be careful to not let it take over. Since you''ll probably have to maintain the feeling behind the sin for the entire time you''re fighting, that''s a real risk."

    "Right. That''s a good point. Ok, here I go. Wrath. Come on, wrath!" I said, trying and failing to get angry on command. I looked at Margaret. "It didn''t work."

    "Ok, let me try," she said, blowing the hair off her face. "You have a small penis, Dave!"

    "That''s not going to work. It''s just blatantly not true," I said.

    "Hey, Nimby, Dave has a small penis!" Margaret said.

    Nimby came out of the kitchen and looked confused at Margaret. "What do you mean? You can literally see it''s not small right now. Just look at the bulge in his pants. Dude''s packing heat."

    What the fuck? I looked down at my pants. She was right. You could actually see the bulge of my dick through my pants. I quickly covered it with my hands. "Stop that! Stop looking at my dick!"

    "Nimby, we''re trying to make Dave angry so he can activate the wrath power of his crown of corruption," Margaret said.

    Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.

    "Oh!" Nimby said. "I can do that." She pointed at me. "Dave, you have a small pee pee!"

    "No, I don''t!" I said. "Stop saying that!" I was still covering my crotch with my hands. I needed looser pants.

    "Steve''s, tell Dave he has a small weiner," Margaret said.

    "Ok," the Steves said. "Dave, you have a small weiner!"

    "Seriously, stop saying that!" I said. I was starting to feel hot. Not like the blood was rushing to my face hot either. I mean, like, really hot.

    "Everyone, together!" Margaret yelled.

    "Dave has a small dick!"

    "Dave''s weiner is smaller than my pinky!"

    "Dave, you weiner! You''re small!" the Steves said.

    "That doesn''t even make sense!" I said, holding my head. This was getting on my nerves.

    "Small weiner!"

    "Small!"

    "Penis!"

    "I said, stop!!!!" I yelled.

    Fire erupted from my body, melting the linoleum flooring.

    "Ha! See! It worked!" Margaret jumped for joy. Then she looked at the floor. "We might need new flooring. Preferably fire resistant."

    "Yeah, I guess it did," I said, still kind of angry. "And yes we do."

    I looked down at my arms and hands. My clothes weren''t burning off. The fire was being generated an inch away from the surface of my body. The flames were black with red tips. I''d never seen anything like it.

    "What is this?" I asked, looking at the flames dance in wonder.

    "That would most likely be hellfire," Margaret said. "I''ve only read about it though. I''ve never actually seen it in person. Not even Lucifer could directly summon hellfire. Hellfire is supposed to just be a naturally occurring phenomenon that is generated deep in the depths of Hell. A person is not actually supposed to be able to summon it. This is historic!"

    "I''m glad you''re pleased with yourself, but I can feel my anger starting to subside," I said, watching the flames getting smaller until they disappeared.

    "Hmm. You''re going to have to learn how to control your anger, mister!" she said.

    "I don''t think generating anger is what most people mean when they talk about controlling anger. It''s generally advised to not get angry," I said.

    "Well, you''re going to have to learn how if you want to defeat Samael!" she yelled.

    I winced. "Is the yelling really necessary?"

    "No. I''m just trying to help you get angry," she said, innocently.

    "Thank you, Margaret, but I think I need to learn how to generate it internally. Having it generated externally felt bad. Like I was going to lose control and accidentally kill you all," I said, scratching the back of my neck. "I don''t want that, so please just speak normally. No more teasing."

    "Yes, dear," she said. "Maybe meditation will help."

    "Anger meditation. Interesting. I guess it couldn''t hurt to try," I said, shrugging.

    "Hey, Dave," Gilbert said.

    "Yeah?" I asked.

    "I just wanted to remind you I''m here, too. And I didn''t make fun of your penis. I think it''s a very nice penis," Gilbert said, giving me a thumbs up.

    It felt like he was trying to smile, but he literally couldn''t. He didn''t have lips or even a face anymore. I never thought about how inconvenient that could be. He couldn''t express any emotions through facial features, because he had none.

    "Thanks, Gilbert. Do you eat?" I said.

    "I can''t. I don''t have any of the organs required anymore. With sufficient life force, I could regenerate my organs, but right now, I''m just a skeleton barely keeping itself together through magic," he said.

    Technically, he didn''t even have vocal chords. I suppose he was talking through magic, too.

    "What''s your story?" I asked, genuinely curious. He was the first lich I had ever run into. I had seen several necromancers, but none that went all the way with it, so to speak.

    "Oh, it''s long and full of disappointment. You don''t want to hear it right now. I''ll hold on to it until it''s relevant," he said, waving me off with a skeletal hand.

    "Suit yourself," I said. That was fair. Maybe he had a dark and haunted backstory. I wouldn''t begrudge him for keeping things close to the chest. Not everyone was as open to being judged to their face like I was.

    "Thank you. I can promise you I''m not keeping anything secret that would harm you in any way," he said, holding my hand in his skeletal ones.

    "I appreciate that, and I trust you. So you can reanimate dead bodies, right? I mainly wanted to recruit you so you could keep my army going when bodies started dropping. Not to be too morbid about it," I said, wincing.

    "I figured. That''s a big concern in a major battle. Yes, I can do that. It''s slow, but I don''t have capacity limits if that''s what you''re wondering," he said. "It''s more like a blessing that just kind of takes a certain amount of time to activate and then just goes forever if that makes sense."

    "That does make sense, and I like that more than the alternative. Capacity limits would be really concerning in a battle with hundreds of bodies," I said.

    "Me too. Technically, you can train the magic to work either way, and I chose the slow but methodical way that doesn''t have limits rather than the fast and limited version. The idea of limits in general makes me feel caged, and I don''t like it," Gilbert said.

    "That''s understandable. I feel similarly. I''d rather be limitless with downsides than be limited with no downsides," I said, thinking about my new wrath abilities.

    "I can see that. Your abilities seem rather formidable. I''m a little jealous. I''ve spent centuries cultivating my talents and here you are with unimaginable power in the matter of a few years," he said.

    "All power comes with consequences. The greater the power, the greater the consequences. I''m sure you can appreciate that, being someone who sacrificed his dick for immortality," I said.

    "Hey. Temporarily. I temporarily sacrificed it for immortality. I will get it back one day. Just you wait. And on that day I may not fuck, but I will use it one way or another," he said.

    I waved my hand in front of me. "Fair enough. Say no more."

    "So I may be able to help you with your predicament," he said.

    "Really? How so?" I asked, curious how he could help me with my hellfire impotence.

    "Think of something that frustrates you endlessly, but only so much that it doesn''t put you over the edge. Then focus and ruminate on that until you can maintain a steady amount of controlled frustration," he said.

    "Interesting. How did you come up with this idea?" I said.

    "That''s how I regulate the magical energies required for my necromantic techniques," he said matter-of-factly.

    "Oh. That makes sense, I guess. Let me try it," I said. I thought about the one thing that frustrated me most often, but never enough to lose control of my actions and behaviors. The fact that I couldn''t keep Margaret happy all the time.

    I could make her happy at times. I could even make her happy most of the time, but I couldn''t keep her happy. Inevitably, I would do something or say something to upset her and it would throw me out of wack.

    I wanted so badly to be perfect for her. To be the man she needed all the time. I hated upsetting her, but no matter how hard I tried, I would always mess up, eventually.

    I knew that was part of my hubris. Something I needed to learn to accept, but I didn''t want to. I wanted to be perfect. I needed to be perfect. I would be perfect. Nothing could stop me.

    It was in that moment I opened my eyes and realized I was surrounded by black and red flames. Hmm. Maybe this whole wrath thing wasn''t all bad. I now had the power to take my frustrations out on my enemies and hurt them as badly as I hurt inside.

    And yes, that was an incredibly fucked up thought to have, but I didn''t care. I was strong. I was invincible. And that''s all that mattered.

 Ch 46: Heavy Hangs the Head

    I didn''t enjoy putting the mark back on my chest, but I did it anyway, because who doesn''t like being invincible? Also, I needed it to fight Samael, but that was the least of my worries right now. I was high on power and saving the world was the furthest thing from my mind. I just wanted to get stronger, no matter the cost.

    I wondered what each sin would give me in terms of power. Greed would probably have something to do with money, but what about lust and gluttony? Infinite stamina and the ability to eat food forever without getting full?

    Those would be cool, but how would they help me be a better administrator? Some of this crown business didn''t make sense. It was almost like the crown was designed as a test for the bearer rather than an actual administrative tool.

    And didn''t Lucifer say the Crown of Corruption didn''t have anything to do with corruption? Was he just unaware of the crown''s corrupting influence the entire time?

    If it was really just a test, was I failing or was I simply learning how to use the crown for the betterment of mankind? Could the crown be used for good? Or was I just succumbing to a trap designed by God?

    This thing was the worst thing for a recovering alcohol addict to have to bear. Was this fair? Why would God do this to me? Why did everything have to be a game to Him? I didn''t want this. I didn''t want to succumb to my addictions and become the very thing I fought against so many years ago when I got Lucifer therapy in the first place.

    Or was I just being a wimpy baby? Was this crown the perfect tool to not only protect mankind from the apocalypse but also allow me to have a good time doing it? This crown wasn''t a curse. It was a gift from God. A gift He had given to me to help me stop being such a prude and a stiff.

    I needed to pull my head out of my ass and start living life instead of being afraid of everything all the time. Who cared if I committed a sin or two? This crown was literally telling me to sin, and it was the only way for me to save the world.

    I needed to man up, leave my old Earthly fears and apprehensions at the door, and dive straight in. Earth wasn''t my home anymore. Hell was. And when in Rome, do as the Romans do. And hellions sinned. A lot. So I would too.

    Starting right now. I walked over to Nimby, who was excitedly chatting with Margaret. I stepped in between them and stood directly in front of Nimby, facing her.

    "Yes, Dave?" she said, nervously.

    I smiled. "May I have this dance?" I put my hand out for her to take it.

    "Uh, sure, I guess," she said, grabbing my hand.

    We walked out into an open space and I did my best to remember what I could from my ballroom dancing days. She didn''t know how to ballroom dance, so I showed her a few moves and we did different combinations of those moves for a few minutes until I twirled and dipped her.

    I looked into her inky black pupil-less eyes that had flecks of emerald green in them. "Hi," I said, smiling wickedly.

    "Hi," she said back. "What''s gotten into you?"

    "Fun. Life. Excitement. Many things. Do you not like it?" I said.

    "No, I do! This is everything I hoped you would do with me and more! It''s just so sudden. What''s with the change of heart?" she said, smiling happily with a slight tinge of curiosity.

    "The crown that gives me authority over Hell and everyone in it. It has opened my eyes. I don''t want to be the prude I have been. I want to live, laugh, and especially, love," I said, winking.

    I felt a spark in my chest. I watched in my mind''s eye as one of the jewels glowed a bright, vibrant pink. I explored the crown of corruption in my mind. Three of its jewels were lit up. The purple hubris jewel with the power of teleportation, the black wrath jewel with the power of hellfire, and the pink lust jewel with the power of pleasure. Don''t ask me how a black jewel lights up or glows, because I don''t know. I was just reporting what I saw and felt.

    I laid her down gently on the ground and tapped her on the nose. Her body flooded with pleasure of a non sexual nature. Just general pleasure. Her eyes widened, her back arched, and she clawed at the ground.

    "Oh, my Devil!" She exclaimed.

    "Are you ok? You consent to this, right?" I asked, making sure I hadn''t crossed a line.

    She nodded vigorously. "Yes, I consent to this. More please!"

    I tapped her on the nose again and watching as she rolled around giggling on the ground like she was trying to put out a fire that was tickling her.

    Stolen content warning: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.

    I stood up. I felt good. The power was intoxicating. It was better than alcohol. That said, I might need to pick some up at the store on my way home from kicking Samael''s ass and saving the world once again.

    "Dave?" Margaret said.

    I looked at my long-time girlfriend, the mother of my child, and the love of my life. "Yes, Margaret?"

    "What are you doing?" she asked, with a concerned look on her beautiful face.

    "Just having a bit of fun," I said, tapping her on the nose.

    Her body was flooded with non sexual pleasure as well. "Oh, my goodness! I''m going to sit down," she said, as she shakily lowered herself to a sitting position.

    "Oh, shit, sorry! I should''ve asked first. Do you consent to this experience?" I said.

    "Yes! But warn a girl first," she said, laughing and shivering.

    I leaned down so my face was inches from Margaret''s. "This is what you wanted, right? For me to embrace the culture? Because that''s what I''m doing. I''m freeing my mind of the shackles placed on it by Earth''s rules and restrictions. I refuse to be a prude any longer!"

    "Yes, I wanted you to embrace the culture, but I didn''t envision for it to turn out like this! Not that I''m complaining," she said with a smile on her face.

    "You know me. I''m always full of surprises," I said, shrugging as innocently as I could manage. I turned to look out over the control room floor. "Steves. Where are Samael, the fallen angels, and the abyssal creatures now?"

    "Samael and the other fallen angels have begun attacks on the leaders of every country in the world," Steve 4 said.

    "The abyssal creatures are charging across Nevada toward Las Vegas and annihilating any towns they encounter along the way," Steve 3 said.

    "I''ll send you locations and updates on your hell phone," Steve 2 said.

    "And I''ll send the troops gathered at the gates of Hell to anywhere you specify. Also, the laser discs and the gravity wells you wanted arrived a few minutes ago while you were meditating," Steve 1 said.

    He walked up to the elevated floor that I used to look out over the rest of the control room and handed me a heavy backpack. I checked inside and found that the equipment was inside.

    "Thank you, Steve," I said.

    "You''re welcome!" they all said at once.

    I turned to Gilbert, who was petting Fred and untangling his mane. I spoke to both Gilbert and Fred. "Ok, we''re going to Nevada. I''ll be teleporting us there, where we''ll meet up with my demon army and fight the creatures of the Abyss before they reach the greatest city on Earth, Las Vegas."

    For those who remember that Las Vegas was destroyed three years ago, it has since been rebuilt bigger and more opulently than before. It has become an even greater hub for sin and debauchery than it used to be. I take no responsibility for that improvement.

    Something weird happened when I tried to speak to both Gilbert and Fred. I felt another spark within me and a bronze jewel lit up on the crown. The crown was telling me that this jewel was associated with the sin of domination, and it granted the abilities of influence and universal communication.

    I stumbled slightly as my mind reeled from the onset of yet another ability. Fred looked at me curiously and then said, "Now that you can understand me, I feel the need to inform you that I''m actually female. So you can stop calling me Fred."

    "What do you mean, Fred? Fred is short for Fredericka, which is a girl''s name. I don''t have to stop calling you Fred," I said.

    "I see you trying to twist logic to suit your desire to not change what you call me, but you and I both know that Fred is a man''s name. So I''d appreciate it if you stopped calling me that," she said.

    "Ok, Fred. Whatever you say," I said. "I will respect your desire to be called Fredericka, but I don''t need your appreciation. I just need your obedience."

    The look on Fredericka''s face was one of shock. I didn''t even know a unicorn could express that emotion on their face. "What?"

    "I said I will call you whatever you want as long as you let me ride you into battle," I said. I wasn''t sure why Fredericka was so upset. Had I said something wrong?

    "I''m not sure I feel comfortable having you ride me anymore," she said, shaking her head.

    "Are you sure?" I asked. The bronze jewel of dominion lit up brilliantly in my mind.

    Fredericka faltered. She shook her head again. "I don''t know. I feel like I should allow you to be my master, and I don''t understand why." A few moments passed. "Actually, what am I saying? You are the perfect master and it would be my pleasure to charge into battle with you."

    "Ok. If you''re sure," I said. Huh. She changed her mind. That was weird, but convenient. I wasn''t entirely sure what happened there, but it was working in my favor, so who was I to look a gift horse in the mouth?

    She nodded her head vigorously. "I''m sure," she said.

    "Ok, good, because I don''t want to violate your consent in any way," I said, a little concerned. Something felt weird about this situation, but I couldn''t put my finger on why.

    It was at that moment I thought about Margaret and walked back over to her.

    "Are you ok?" I asked her. "I just want to make sure that the workplace fraternization, while sudden, didn''t bother you."

    "No. The workplace fraternization is fine. Do whatever you want with Nimby. Just don''t choose her over me. Ok?" she said, wagging her finger at me.

    "Fraternize all I want as long as I come home to you. Understood," I said. That seemed to make sense to me. It was definitely different from what I would have said a few days ago, but I was a new Dave. I was trying to be open to new perspectives.

    Margaret furrowed her brow at me. "I just. You seem¡­different. Did I break you? I didn''t break you, did I, sweetheart?" She said, with her brow furrowed.

    I thought about it. "I don''t think so. I feel fine. More than fine. I feel good," I said. "I''m just embracing sin, like you suggested.

    "Ok, that''s good, I guess. Just make sure you check back in after you defeat Samael and save the world. You don''t want to indulge in sin too long or it might start to control you. Everything in moderation. Ok?" she said.

    "Only sin moderately. Understood," I said. She was right. I didn''t want to go overboard with it. Things might get out of hand. I was a recovering addict, after all. I needed to be careful about these things.

    Margaret grabbed my face and kissed me. She stared into my big blue eyes for a long time, then said, "Just make sure you come home, ok? And no drinking. You made me promise to never let you do that again, remember?"

    Oh yeah. What was I thinking? I couldn''t drink. Drinking always led to bad decisions. As long as I didn''t drink, I would be ok. Boy, was I wrong about that assumption.

 Ch 47: The Battle Begins

    I wanted to try out more sins so I could squeeze more powers out of the crown, but the Steves reminded me I had somewhere to be. On the battlefield fighting monsters that threatened the fate of humanity, not playing around with a new toy. Well, not a new toy, but a toy nonetheless.

    Fredericka, Gilbert, and I teleported to the Nevada desert somewhere between Las Vegas and the mass of abyssal creatures. My army of demons and hellhounds arrived soon after. As we waited for the monstrosities to meet us, I thought back on dancing with Nimby.

    Why did I do that? What was I thinking? Margaret was the love of my life and I only ever had eyes for her. I had no interest in a girl who couldn''t even legally drink fire water yet.

    She was thirty years old, to be clear. She wasn''t eighteen at least. I hadn''t stooped that low. That said, thirty years old in demon years was nothing. Margaret was in her sixties and she was still considered young by demon standards.

    Getting back on topic, while the dance and the dip were exciting and all, that wasn''t something Dave did. That wasn''t a Dave move at all. Dave was a responsible adult heading into middle age. Dave didn''t take risks. Dave didn''t party. Those days were behind him.

    What was he doing? It had to be the crown. It had to be. I was all out of sorts. I was even talking about myself in the third person. Who does that? Certainly not Dave. Ah! Stop it, me!

    How was I going to handle this going forward? I had to indulge in sinful mental states to activate the powers that would allow me to save the world, which was a good thing. However, indulging too much led to poor decisions. What was I going to do?

    This was something I would have to deal with at another time, because I saw movement on the horizon. The abyssal creatures were here. They came in all shapes and sizes. Some looked humanoid, some looked like animals, and some just looked gross. I saw one that was a weird amalgamation of arms and legs.

    Three massive creatures brought up the rear of the group. One was swimming through the sand like it was water. Actually, on closer inspection, it was swimming through water. When its body made contact with the land, it transformed into water that the huge creature swam through.

    Another creature walked along the ground, taking large earth shuddering steps that created vibrations in the ground under my feet, even though it was miles away. The third massive creature flew through the air on vast wings that made up over two-thirds of the size of its body. From this far away, I couldn''t make out distinct features. I would learn more about them as they got closer.

    All the abyssal creatures, giant and small alike, were black and oily, like the fabric of the Abyss had coated them in its essence. Maybe it had. Just because it was an abyss didn''t mean it had to be clean. The walls and floor¡ªif an abyss could have those¡ªwere probably covered in the stuff.

    I wondered if it burned. I was about to find out. I was at the head of the demon army and the abyssal creatures were quickly closing the distance between us. I thought I should probably make a speech before that happened.

    I turned around and looked at the thousand men and women at my command. They were demons, of course, but men and women regardless. Their red skin shone in the sun. Many of them had never been to Earth before. This was a lot of their first times.

    I hated that this had to be their first time visiting Earth because, for many of them, it would also be their last. Their families would be fairly compensated for their losses, but that didn''t make it right or fair. Now that I was thinking about it, I wondered why none of heaven''s armies of angels were here to fight by our sides.

    If my people were risking their lives, it would only be fair for them to do the same. Angels had it easy. They could re-compile and come back after death. Demons didn''t have that same luxury. Sure, they had the Underworld to retire in and live eternally there, but it was still an end of life and a separation from all the people they loved.

    I wondered how being a fallen angel affected Samael. I guessed since he mentioned his brothers being "killed" by Azrael, that fallen angels didn''t have access to the re-compilation process. Where then did they go when they died?

    While I had many questions, I had very little time, so I focused back on the army of demons before me. "Everyone! Today we will face an enemy the likes of which no one has ever known! Some of you may die. Some of you may cry. That''s ok."

    Something strange happened as I spoke. My voice amplified, and I could tell that each and everyone of the demons heard and understood what I was saying. I checked the crown inside me and the bronze jewel was lit up.

    That must have been another communication ability of the domination jewel. Domination was such a strange thing to call something that simply allowed me to communicate with and persuade people. It felt like I was missing something, but I didn''t have time to think too hard on that.

    This tale has been pilfered from Royal Road. If found on Amazon, kindly file a report.

    "Today will be a sad day in the annals of demon history, but we will be victorious! For those of you that survive, you have my sympathy. There is very little worse than being the one who survived when your friends did not. For those of you that don''t survive, you have my respect and my love. Not to get too mushy, but I love each and everyone of you for volunteering your lives for this cause! Now, let''s go kick some ass!"

    They all raised their pitchforks and whips in the air while crying out, "Yeah!"

    Turning back to the oncoming horde of abyssal creatures, I hopped onto Fredericka, gave Gilbert a meaningful look, and kicked my heels. "Hiya!"

    "Yes, master! We shall run at the scary monsters!" Fredericka yelled in my mind.

    I looked back at Gilbert, the lich necromancer in deep purple robes, knowing that anything I said, no matter how far away I was, he would hear. "See you on the other side! I hope you get your... you know... back after the regeneration!"

    "Thanks! Me too!" Gilbert nodded his head since he couldn''t smile. I really hoped he was able to regenerate his whole body, including that particular part. After today, he would have more than earned it.

    Turning back to the battlefield, I got my backpack off my back and started pulling out gravity wells. I activated them one at a time and, using my super strength, threw them hundreds of yards into the horde of monsters. They sucked the monsters into clusters that made them easier to hit for the demon soldiers with their pitchfork beams.

    After I had run out of gravity wells, I pulled out the laser discs. Once activated, they shot out a 360 degree horizontal red laser blade. They were designed to shoot in the direction thrown and hover a few feet above the ground so they could hit the center mass of most humanoid targets.

    With the heights of the abyssal creatures being so variable, they might not always hit center mass, but even if they missed that, they would still cut off some legs and arms and heads. I threw each disc out into the mass of creatures and watched the discs slice them to pieces as they went.

    Now that my backpack full of artillery was depleted, I threw it aside and pulled out sword Steve. I still had some ball traps strapped to my legs and body, but the heavy artillery was gone.

    I had taken out and disabled several hundred monsters with those weapons, but there were still plenty more left. We met the line of monsters and barreled through them, Fredericka impaling them with her black spiral horn. I swung sword Steve, cutting down dozens of them as we passed.

    I decided to head towards the largest targets, knowing that my demon army would struggle the most with them. I figured if I took out the toughest enemies, I would lose the least of my troops. And I hated delivering bad news to families and lifelong partners of the fallen.

    I made it a point to deliver the news personally to each and every family of troops that died in my service. Speaking of, I had many families to visit already from all the demon deals that had been broken and absorbed by Cain. I didn''t need to add a thousand more to the list.

    We approached our first major target. The giant serpent that I could only guess was known as Leviathan. Leviathan was mentioned in the bible as being a giant serpent and a dragon of the sea. God tasked Job with capturing it once, but it was far too mighty for even for Job and escaped.

    It was never stated in the Bible that Leviathan was imprisoned in the Abyss, but the massive creature before me fit the description of it as it was mentioned in the Bible. It looked like a huge serpent with multiple finned heads that swam through water that it created beneath its body by transforming the ground.

    Compared to me, it had to be thousands of times larger. Like all the other creatures of the Abyss, it was covered in a black oily substance that I hoped to find out was flammable soon. I would have to dismount from Fredericka to activate my hellfire powers. I didn''t have the ability to keep the flames from covering my body yet, and I didn''t want to test whether they would burn Fredericka alive or not.

    The other two giant creatures were far enough away from us to not be able to immediately interfere in our battle, but I would need to keep my eyes on them in case they decided to move toward us.

    "Who is this tiny creature that challenges me, the mighty Leviathan?" Leviathan said, in a booming, but gravelly voice.

    "I am called Dave! It is I who challenges you! I will spare you if you just go back into the Abyss!" I yelled.

    "That, I cannot do. You don''t know what it is like down there. The amount of creatures who have touched me in places I didn''t want to be touched is countless," Leviathan said, pain evident in its voice.

    "That''s awful!" I said, shaking my head, trying to get the image out of my mind. "I''m so sorry! You still need to go back! I can''t have you killing innocent people!"

    "I won''t. I just want to make it to the sea," he said.

    "Oh. I can do that for you," I said.

    "You can?" he asked.

    "Yeah. I can teleport myself and others. I can just teleport you to the ocean. As long as you promise not to attack or harm humans," I said, wagging my finger at him.

    "I promise! I just can''t go back to the Abyss. Anything but that!" he said.

    "Ok. I''ll take you to the ocean. You just have to let me touch your hide briefly," I said.

    "Ok. I consent to this," he said, relief in his voice.

    I got off Fredericka and said, "Stay here. I''m going to take him to the ocean."

    "Yes, master, sir," Fredericka said, nodding her head.

    I spread my demon wings and flew up to Leviathan''s massive body. I pressed my hand against his slick hard scales and imagined us in the middle of the Pacific ocean.

    We teleported to the ocean. I watched as Leviathan happily swam through the sea. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" he said.

    "You''re welcome! Just remember your promise!" I yelled, cupping my hands around my mouth.

    "Yes, of course. I will harm no humans. Thank you again. I will never forget this! I presume you have to go back to that dreadful battle. Goodbye!" he said, disappearing under the water.

    "Goodbye!" I yelled. I truly wished him the best. I was glad I was able to do at least one kind thing today. Especially one that would be marred by so much death.

    Then I teleported back to the battlefield. The sky and ground were dark. I looked up to see a massive foot coming down on me.

 Ch 48: Behemoth

    The giant foot came down and squashed me. Everything went black. My first thought was, ''Is this death''? Then the foot lifted up and I could see again.

    Oh. I was fine. I had the Mark of Cain. I was invincible. That was right. For a brief moment, I had forgotten that. As the foot lifted up further, I looked around. I may have been invincible, but I was jammed into the sand up to my neck.

    I had two possible solutions for this, but I picked the harder one. I wanted to test the limits of my super strength. I tried to lift my arms out of the sand. My arms burst out of the sand in a spray of particles. Using my newly freed arms, I lifted myself out of the sand and rolled onto my back.

    The foot was coming down again. While I wouldn''t be harmed by it, I did find rather uncomfortable and inconvenient. So I teleported away before the foot could crush me again.

    I teleported into the sky and came face to face with the owner of the foot. It was truly massive. Leviathan had been huge, but this beast was the size of a mountain. It didn''t even make sense how it could move without falling over.

    The surface of its body seemed to be made up of different ecosystems. On its right shoulder was a forest and on its left was an oasis. Moss and lichen covered its chest, and a mixture of bark and elephant hide covered its legs. Its arms seemed to be made of rock and stone, and its eyes were gems. One seemed to be made of ruby while the other was emerald.

    There were still small patches of the black oily substance from the Abyss, but it seemed to have mostly come off through the shaking of its body as it walked or simply gravity letting it dribble down.

    "Who are you?" I asked. "Can you be reasoned with as well?" I was referring to how Leviathan had simply wanted peace and freedom.

    "I am Behemoth. If by reasoned with, you mean tricked into docility, then no. Humans have disfigured and destroyed the Earth for far too long. I must restore things to the way they should be," it said, with a deep harmonious voice that hummed with life.

    "Balanced and natural, with a touch of the cruelty of survival. Not this opulence and decadence that humans have created for themselves, making the world dangerous and unlivable for other creatures."

    It had a point. "What are your pronouns? I keep calling you it in my head and it feels uncomfortable," I said.

    "He/she/it/they. It does not matter," he said. I chose ''he'' because it was easy to imagine such a powerful and enormous creature as a man. Sue me for my sexism. We can''t all be perfect. I have my biases just like anyone else.

    "Thanks!" I said. "While I agree that humans have really made the Earth their own, isn''t that what God intended? It says in the Bible that he gave man dominion over the earth and all the creatures and plants on it."

    Behemoth laughed heartily. It sounded like rocks sliding over each other, but in a pleasant way. "I care not for what the Bible says or what a cruel and unjust God decides. I have but one purpose. To keep the Earth in balance, and balance must be restored."

    "I appreciate your perspective, but as my role is to protect the humans, I must stop you," I said. "Which may result in your death. Are you ok with that?"

    Behemoth laughed again. This time, it sounded like birds chirping. Really deep voiced birds. "I fail to see how you''re going to accomplish that, but if that is what indeed happens, so be it. I made peace with death the moment I was created. It is no burden to me."

    "It is a burden to me. Not just my death, but yours as well," I said.

    I was feeling rather sentimental, and I didn''t know why. Maybe it was the idea of destroying something or someone with such a just purpose, or the fact that I knew somewhere deep down that Behemoth wouldn''t have an afterlife. He would simply cease to exist. And that was terrifying.

    "Then I hope not to burden you this day," Behemoth said with a sense of finality.

    He swung his massive arms together, trying to smash me between his hands. I teleported high above him and concentrated. It was time to get angry.

    This time, it wasn''t the futility of trying to keep Margaret happy. It was the unjustness of this battle, the fact that Heaven was leaving us to do this on our own, and that this was all somehow my responsibility. I didn''t deserve to be burdened with this responsibility. No one did. No one except the person that put all this in motion. God.

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    It was God who created Behemoth. Why did He then seal him away in the Abyss? Couldn''t He have simply uncreated him? Couldn''t He stop all this death and destruction with a snap of his fingers? Why did he insist on delegating tasks to others?

    Why did God allow so much suffering? I suppose it was all a test for humans to determine who would reach Heaven and who go to Purgatory or Hell, but surely the Abyss opening and releasing unspeakable horrors wasn''t in His plan. Surely He didn''t want this. Why then didn''t He fix it?

    And where were Lucifer and Raphael and the other archangels? Their help would greatly increase our chance of victory. We were outnumbered many times. We needed help. So why did they not help? Where were they?

    It was clear that I was alone and I would have to handle this problem myself. And I needed to do it well, or my demon army would be decimated and I would be responsible for their deaths.

    "Master! Do you need my assistance?" Fredericka said as she ran towards me on a gray scale rainbow.

    "Yes! Fredericka, I need you to get the injured to safety! I''ve got this guy handled," I said.

    "Yes, master! I will do the thing that you said, yes I will! That thing that you said will be done by me!" she said, running away on her rainbow.

    I narrowed my eyes in confusion. Did she actually hear what I said or did she just say all that to cover up that she didn''t understand what I asked her to do? I shook my head. I didn''t have time to worry about that. She would do her best to help and that was all that mattered.

    Smack! I felt an impact on my body as Behemoth slapped me out of the air. I created a crater in the earth when I hit the ground. I got back up and teleported back into the air, but higher this time. Hopefully, he wouldn''t be able to reach me this time.

    What was I doing again? Oh, yeah. I was getting angry. How dare they all put this responsibility squarely on my shoulders. I couldn''t stand for it. I wouldn''t stand for it. After I was done with this battle, I would give God and Heaven a piece of my mind.

    Ahhh!!! Hellfire burst into existence around me. Good. Now I could do what I needed to. I aimed my body down and dove towards Behemoth''s head. I put my hands in front of my body and summoned hellfire, shooting two tubular sprays at his head.

    His head blackened from the flames, but it didn''t catch fire. I circled around his head, firing more hellfire at his face and the back of his head. The skin or whatever it was that made up the surface of his body, blackened, but still didn''t catch fire.

    "Argh! Stop that! That hurts! Annoying fly!" Behemoth swatted at me, but I teleported out of the way. I kept up the hellfire as I circled around his body. It kept blackening his body, but it didn''t seem to be doing the kind of damage necessary to kill him.

    Maybe super strength could break his body, but not at my current strength. I needed to get stronger somehow, but I didn''t know how. I flew up to his chest and punched him. It didn''t even mark the surface, but I kept at it. I punched and punched until I felt his body start to get pushed back by the force of my punches.

    It didn''t damage the surface, but I was getting stronger. I was able to put him off balance and stagger him back. I kept punching and pushing him back until another jewel lit up on the crown. This one was red. The crown told me this was the sin of might. Imposing one''s power and strength on others.

    That was exactly what I needed. I punched and punched until I knocked Behemoth over onto his back. The ground shuddered so hard everyone on the battlefield fell over and couldn''t get up for a while.

    I still couldn''t break the surface of his skin, but I could impose my might on him. I was stronger than him. I was in charge. I would win this fight if it took everything I had. I flew up to his face and punched it. Part of his blackened cheek broke away.

    Huh. The hellfire must have weakened the integrity of his body. If I combined my new strength with my hellfire, I could break him to pieces. I shot hellfire with my left hand while punching the blackened stone flesh with my right hand. I started to dig a hole into his cheek this way until he dug me out of his flesh with his finger.

    He flicked me away. I tumbled through the air until finally flapping my wings hard enough to stabilize my body. I looked down at his body. He had many blackened spots on his body from where I had burned him. I chose the spot over where I assumed his heart might be and started punching and burning my way through his flesh.

    I turned left and right as I dug through him to keep him from being able to reach me with his finger. His finger probably wouldn''t be able to curve like the hole I was digging. He''d have to break apart more of his flesh to get to me.

    I kept going in the dark until I broke through the other side. It wasn''t until I started hitting sand that I realized I had broken all the way through him. He sat up. He was still moving. My theory about him having vital organs like a heart was wrong.

    I would have to change tactics. I teleported high into the sky again and dove toward his right hand. I shot hellfire out with both hands and barreled into his fingers, smashing and destroying them. Then I did the same to the other hand. After removing his fingers, I went to work on his wrists, smashing and destroying them piece by piece until his hands fell off his body.

    After that, I went to work on his elbow joints and then his shoulders until his arms were completely gone. After that, all I had to do was remove his head, and he had no appendages with which to stop me. It seemed to take forever, but eventually I toppled his head off his shoulders and I pushed his massive body backwards so he didn''t fall on my troops.

    "You''ll never defeat Ziz. She is the strongest of us. You''ll never match her speed or power in the sky," Behemoth''s head said.

    "We''ll see about that," I said, as I punched out his teeth and broke apart his stone mouth until he couldn''t speak anymore. I didn''t need his voice distracting me from my mission.

    If I had to destroy his head to kill him, I wouldn''t go to the effort of doing it, but at least destroying his mouth allowed me to shut him up. I began to hate the way he talked, like my defeat was inevitable. It wasn''t. I was going to win, and he would live to see it.

 Ch 49: Ziz, Queen of the Skies

    Fighter jets screamed through the sky above me, my demon army, and the abyssal creatures we were fighting. I got a text from Agent Drew.

    "Thought you might want some backup," he said.

    "Thanks. I don''t ask for help much, but I appreciate it when I receive it," I texted back.

    "No problem. Just don''t use all those new powers I see you got to take over the world, ok?" he responded.

    "No promises," I texted back and put the phone in my pocket.

    I hadn''t thought about it, but I really could take over the world with these powers. I needed to be careful I didn''t turn into the enemy. It would be difficult for me to stop an apocalypse when I was the one causing it. These sin powers were really getting into my head and manipulating my emotions. I would need to meditate on a better way to do things in the future after this was all over.

    I couldn''t believe I was actually angry with God a second ago. What was I thinking? The worst part is I couldn''t control it. I couldn''t guarantee I wouldn''t feel that way again. But at least I was back to my senses now. There had to be a good reason that God and the angels weren''t helping.

    Maybe Judas really had wreaked havoc in Heaven like he promised he would. I couldn''t imagine a scenario where Judas would have enough power to do that, though, even with his magic butt chalk. I would have to suspend my disbelief for the moment. I knew better than to make assumptions about how much damage someone could or couldn''t cause based on appearances.

    I mean, just look at me as an example. Behemoth thought there was no chance of me beating him, and look where that got him. Broken into pieces on the ground, that''s where. I had one last major adversary in this battle. The giant flying beast. Behemoth had mentioned her name was Ziz.

    That sounded familiar, but I didn''t know where from. It had to be something biblical or biblical adjacent. It didn''t matter. I simply had to figure out her strengths and weaknesses and take her down. Just like I had Behemoth.

    First, I had to figure out where she was. I looked around and didn''t see her on the ground or in the air. The only place I hadn''t looked was straight up. I craned my neck and shielded my eyes from the sun to look up. Sure enough, there was a shadow on the sun. That had to be Ziz.

    She was so high up. I was about to teleport up to reach her when the fighter jets started to engage her directly. They made passes firing missiles and spraying her with machine gun fire. None of it seemed to do much. She was a mass of wings, sharp talons, and a relatively small body.

    I mean, she wasn''t small by any means. She was the size of a mansion, but compared to Behemoth and Leviathan, she was a speck. She had multiple pairs of wings. Some had feathers, some were scaled and armored, and some were leathery like bat wings. She even had a few elemental ones. I saw an ice pair, a fire pair, and a lightning pair.

    She didn''t use them all at once. She would strategically use one or two pairs at a time and keep the rest tucked tight against her body. She blocked the missiles and machine gun fire with the armored pair and then used the feathery and leathery pairs to dive on the closest jet. She grabbed it in her talons and ripped it in half, dropping the remains onto the battlefield below.

    She was a monster, not only in body, but in combat ability. I felt sorry for whoever had been the victim of her attack. None of us knew what she was capable of. They had been a sitting duck.

    I watched as the fighter jets continued to engage her. They launched missile after missile while flanking her with machine gun fire and attacking her from all directions. She simply encased herself in her armored wings and tanked all the attacks.

    After all the missiles were spent and the jets only had machine fire left, Ziz retracted her armored wings and brought out her elemental ones. She wielded the fire, ice, and lightning pair simultaneously and flapped them all at the same time.

    A barrage of lightning, ice, and fire hit the fighter jets in a wave around her. She kept flapping and with every one a new wave of elemental attacks shot out in quick succession. Rather than combining into one weird amalgamation of lightning, ice, and fire, individual waves of lightning, ice, and fire ushered out successively.

    She was the picture of coordination and grace as she annihilated the group of fighter jets. Some of them tried to escape and get far away from her, but she flapped her lightning wings, issuing forth a massive long range area attack of lightning strands and branches that took down a few of the jets. After that, she flapped her ice wings and huge shards of ice shot out like missiles, impaling jet after jet until there was one left.

    Keep in mind, this all happened in a matter of seconds. Originally, I planned to stay out of the fighter jets'' way, so I didn''t accidentally catch them in one of my hellfire attacks, but with only one jet left with no ability to escape or defend itself, I leapt into action.

    Or rather, teleported into action. I teleported to the jet, put my hand on it, and teleported all the way to the sky over Las Vegas. I looked at the fighter in the jet and said, "Just head back to base! I''ll take it from here! Thank you for your service!"

    The domination jewel lit up again and the fighter pilot nodded their head and made the universal symbol for thanks. Then they saluted me and shot off like a bullet out of a gun. I teleported back to the battle and faced Ziz.

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    "Ziz! Surrender and I''ll let you live!" I yelled. The bronze jewel lit up.

    Ziz narrowed her huge eyes at me. They crossed for a moment after I spoke, but then she blinked and shook her head, seemingly trying to fight some sort of mental phenomenon.

    What was happening? The same thing happened when I was talking to Fredericka before the battle. Were my words affecting their minds? Is that what the domination jewel was capable of? It didn''t happen every time I spoke, but when I really wanted someone to do something, this happened.

    I didn''t think it was possible, but I must have been using some form of mental manipulation on them. Shit! I needed to watch out for that. While I loved getting my way, and I didn''t like having to hurt people physically to do it, dominating their minds was not the way I wanted to accomplish my goals.

    "I''m sorry! I''m not trying to manipulate you! I just want to end this peacefully!" I yelled. The bronze jewel didn''t light up as brightly this time. It stayed a dull bronze. I assumed that meant I was utilizing the universal communication ability without the mental domination one.

    Her eyes refocused on me. "I care not how you try to convince me to stand down. I will not. Everywhere I look, humans are polluting my skies with their flying contraptions and toxic fumes! I won''t stand for it. I will rid the skies of humans if it''s the last thing I do!"

    I furrowed my brow at her. "Wait, you can see other planes in the sky besides those fighter jets just now? The closest plane is probably hundreds of miles away! How can you see them?"

    "The skies are my domain. I see and sense around the curvature of the Earth, and there are hundreds of ''planes'', as you call them, in my skies. They''re polluting the skies with fumes and grinding up birds in their machinery. Humans have no respect for nature and the creatures of the sky. Therefore, I have no respect for them. They will all die by my talons!" she said furiously.

    "Once again, I''m sorry, but I cannot allow that. I have to stop you, and if that means killing you, so be it!" I said.

    I looked at the battle going on below, it was fairly evenly matched, but I saw a lot of undead demons rather than living ones fighting the abyssal monsters. It was good that Gilbert was holding up his end of the bargain, but that did not bode well for me. I would have to deliver bad news to so many families!

    I guess I could always deliver their undead family members and try to pass them off as the same. No, that wouldn''t work. All it would take is for one person''s arm to fall off and the demon public would put my head on a spike.

    "Then let us speak no more! Defend yourself or die, little bird!" she said.

    Flapping her wings, she shot forward at me with incredible speed. I barely teleported out of the way. Before I could re-orient myself to face where I thought she was, I was hit by a huge chunk of ice. It sent me tumbling through the air and I fell like a rock out of the sky.

    I tried my best to catch myself with my wings, but I was moving and spinning too fast. I teleported back up in the air to give myself more time to orient, but I realized it was futile. If I kept teleporting back up, I would make myself an easy target for Ziz to attack me again.

    So I let myself smash into the ground. Dust and sand flew in all directions. I got to my feet, brushing sand off my clothes. I wondered if I''d ever get used to being tossed around like a rag doll. Sure I was invincible, but I could still get dizzy. Speaking of getting dizzy, a wave of nausea came over me and I fell to my knees, throwing up into the sand.

    This sucked. I thought being invincible meant no weaknesses or discomfort, but that appeared to not be the case. I looked up to try to see where Ziz was and barely caught a glimpse of her talons as she tried to swoop down and grab me with them. I desperately dove out of the way.

    Then I teleported hundreds of yards into the air above. Looking down, I watched as she cawed in frustration. Her face and mouth were a combination of the features of a human woman covered in black feathers and ending in a bird''s beak in place of a human mouth. So it made sense her cries of frustrations would sound like a bird''s caws.

    She swung herself up into the sky and quickly ended up above me, trying to grasp me in her talons once more. Going for a counterattack, I teleported out of the way of her talons and in front of her face. I slammed my hellfire covered fist into her giant head.

    She went careening to the ground and skidded to a halt in the sand, crushing demons and abyssal creatures alike with her huge body. Getting up, I saw that her cheek was bloodied and burnt. I teleported to her to try to get another hit in, but she covered herself in her armored wings.

    I got angry and imposing, activating the wrath and might jewels. I slammed my burning fists into her armored wings over and over again. The armor started to burn and crack under my fists, until I punched a hole through her armored wings, shattering a large portion of her wings, making huge chunks fall away.

    She cawed in pain and flapped her lightning wings at me. The massive area attack of lightning bolts and strands that I had seen take out numerous fighter jets assaulted my body. While it didn''t hurt, the electricity did make my muscles jerk and spasm, including the muscles in my wings. I fell to the ground, jerking and writhing, covering myself in sand.

    She flapped her fire wings at me next, shooting torrents of flame at me. I barely got to my feet in time to shoot hellfire out of my hands to counter her flames. I wasn''t afraid of being burned by her flames, but I didn''t want her to burn off my clothes, leaving me naked. That would be awkward.

    My black and red hellfire flames pushed her orange flames back until they made contact with her flame wings and immediately burned them to ash and dust. My flames were far hotter and more powerful than hers. She had versatility, while I had raw strength.

    She cried out again in pain and flapped her ice wings at me. The freezing cold air put out my flames, giving her a mild reprieve, but she wasn''t about to sit there to see what I pulled out of my sleeves next. She flapped her lightning wings, shocking me and sending me to the ground again, and then, using a combination of her normal wings, she flew into the air quickly and tried to fly away.

    When I got control of my muscles again, I teleported to her and tried to grab one of her wings. I wasn''t about to let her get away. I couldn''t be sure she wasn''t going to harm any more humans. I had to end her. I hated it, but it was the wisest option.

    When I teleported to her, I couldn''t touch her because she was flying too fast. She would fly out of my reach every time I tried to catch her. I tried to teleport onto her body, but I couldn''t get a grip on her. It only resulted in me tumbling backwards off her body. I tried teleporting in front of her face and punching her again, but she was ready for me.

    She nimbly spun out of the way and evaded me. No matter what I did, I just couldn''t catch up to her because I couldn''t match her speed. If I could fly as fast and acrobatically as her, then I''d stand a chance of catching up to her and getting some hits in, but I couldn''t do that. I had to find some way to match her, but I couldn''t figure out how.

 Ch 50: Wreath of Virtue

    "Come back Ziz! I thought you wanted to fight!" I yelled after the giant bird lady.

    "Leave me be, little bird!" she said.

    "I''m sorry, but that''s not how fighting works! You can''t just quit!" I said. "Well, you can, but that doesn''t mean your opponent will stop."

    "That is most unfortunate for you. I will never be caught by likes of you, little bird!" she said.

    "Right," I said. I needed to find a way to catch her before she got away. I teleported to her again, but she easily passed by me. I just didn''t want to let her get out of my sight.

    I couldn''t grab onto her at this speed. I needed to find a way to match her speed and inertia so I could effectively grab onto her and attack. But how would I do that? I knew I needed to indulge in a sin, but which one?

    I could try wrath and hellfire to propel me, but I had a feeling that just wouldn''t be enough. I had to be faster than her. I had to be better than her at the one thing she was the best at. Wait, that was it! Hubris! If I believed I was better at flying than the greatest flying beast to ever exist, the hubris jewel might give me the ability to do that.

    I just had to be careful not to let it consume me and take me over after I had won. There''s no telling how much damage an out-of-control Dave could do to the Earth. There I go talking about myself in the third person again. Stop it, me!

    I slapped myself in the face a few times. It didn''t hurt, so it didn''t quite have the waking up effect I wanted, but that was ok. I just needed to focus on my own without the aid of self inflicted pain.

    I had to convince myself I was better than Ziz, the most intimidating flying bird or beast I had ever laid eyes on. I mean, she had elemental powered wings, for crying out loud! How was I going to develop a sense of superiority over what was essentially a giant flying mansion that could achieve Mach 15 speeds or higher? To give a point of reference, the fastest flying aircraft can only achieve Mach 9.6. And meteors enter the atmosphere around Mach 25.

    And yes, I am a walking encyclopedia. Give me a break. I was able to make it to the final table in the World Series of Poker for three years straight before alcoholism took me down. I''m a nerd. Again, give me a break.

    I could do this. I just had to believe in myself in an unhealthy, egotistical way. I could fly faster than Ziz. I just had to believe. I believe I can fly faster than Ziz, I told myself. No. I can fly faster than Ziz! I don''t believe it, I know it.

    I can fly faster than her. She was nothing compared to me, the great invincible Dave Daverson. I hated to use my full name, but Beauregard David Daverson was better than this. He was better than an evil monster bent on the world''s destruction. I could do this. I could do this. I could do¡ª

    The air in front of me started to shimmer and morph. It morphed and reshaped until a thin purple ring formed in the air in front of me. Then another popped a few feet after the first one. Then another and another until there were over a dozen of them.

    Huh. I looked inside myself and the purple hubris jewel was on fire. Purple flames were bursting out of it. Ok, I had done something. This was new. I tentatively flew up to the first purple ring and put my hand out. I reached my hand through the threshold of the ring and felt a strong pulling sensation.

    The sensation grew and grew until I couldn''t resist it anymore and it shot me tumbling through the ring. And then I hit the next ring which propelled me faster. And the next and the next and the next did the same. I shot out of the last ring going so fast that the world around me had turned into a blur.

    I straightened out and glided with my wings. I could see Ziz who had become a speck on the horizon, slowly start to get larger in my view. I pressed hard into my mind and summoned more purple rings in front of me. Another two dozen just to be safe.

    I shot through them like a rocket. Ziz started to get larger and larger, but I still wasn''t fast enough. I summoned a hundred more rings and blasted through them. Ziz got larger and larger and larger until I passed her altogether. She started to get smaller in my rearview as I looked behind me.

    Oh shit. I needed to slow down or change directions. I tentatively altered the angle of my wings and body to turn around. I felt immense pressure on my body and wings, but they held up. If I didn''t have the Mark of Cain making me invincible, I probably would have been torn apart by the forces on my body.

    I turned around, passed Ziz going the opposite direction, and then turned back around. I was going slower than her now. I just used a few rings to propel myself faster this time, and then a few more until I came up alongside her.

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    I smiled and waved. "Hi, Ziz! Fancy meeting you here! You come here often?" I said. My domination jewel lit up a dull bronze. Without its communication ability, there''s no way she would have heard me.

    She looked shocked, annoyed, and fearful. "How did you? No one can beat me in the sky! This is my domain!" She roared.

    "Not anymore, it''s not!" I said, putting up my left hand and blasting her with hellfire.

    She tried to shield herself with her wings, but she only served to make my job easier. I didn''t want to burn her alive. I just wanted to disable her wings. I burned multiple of her right wings to a crisp before she careened out of control and crashed into the ground.

    She tried to fly away, but her wings were unbalanced. She had the left wings for some pairs of wings where the right ones were burned away. Then she tried to crawl. It was sad. It made me feel terrible for what I was doing.

    I was destroying the only one of her kind. In end she was just an animal. A very angry, dangerous animal, but still an animal. I didn''t want to make her extinct. So I decided to do the next best thing. Neuter her. Wait. That''s not the right word. I mean, make her harmless. I don''t know what word I''m looking for there. I want to say ''neutralize'', but that sounds too much like killing.

    I ran up to her. I wanted to walk up dramatically and put a foot on her leg or a wing, but even crawling, a mansion sized animal moves faster than my walking speed.

    "Ziz," I said, panting. "Why am I out of breath? I guess invincibility also doesn''t have anything to do with cardio? Stupid. Why am I saying this outloud? Nevermind." I took a few deep breaths. "Stop, Ziz. I don''t want to kill you. I''ll let you go as long as you just live your life and don''t kill any humans. Can we agree to that, please?"

    Ziz turned over onto her back to look at me, but her feathered wing hit me in the face and got feathers stuck in my mouth.

    "Patooey!" I spat the feathers out of my mouth.

    "Little bird, you know as well as I do that I can not agree to that. I must stick to my principles," she said, breathing raggedly.

    "No, you don''t! Shut up! Stop with the macho bullshit! Just concede! I don''t want to kill you!!!" I yelled at the top of my lungs.

    "Little bird, if you only knew how much it hurts me to not be able to get up and fight you to the death," she said, still breathing raggedly.

    I looked more closely at her. She had a hole burned in the side of her chest. She probably had a collapsed lung. And yes, birds do have lungs. They also have air sacs, which are things humans don''t have, but they do have lungs. And those lungs can collapse if punctured.

    Oh shit. I might have already killed her. I didn''t want this. What was I going to do? I had all this power to corrupt and sin and destroy, but what good was it when I barely had the ability to help others? My powers, besides teleportation, mostly had to do with me.

    I wanted so badly to heal her, but I couldn''t. What was I going to do? Just watch her die? I couldn''t do that. I wouldn''t do that. I wiped a tear from my eye as I walked over to the hole in her side.

    "Why? Why do you have to die?" I said, leaning against her body and crying into her feathers. I sniffled and got some snot on her, immediately regretted it, and then hoped she didn''t notice.

    "This all could have been avoided if you just agreed to leave humans alone! I''m sorry we''re destroying the planet and disrespecting your skies, but there''s nothing I can do about that. It''s my job to protect the humans. I can''t do anything else!" I yelled.

    "Little bird. How I pity you. You haven''t learned that death and killing are inevitable. We were diametrically opposed. It''s your job to protect the humans, and it''s my job to protect birds and other flying creatures. One of us had to die. That is all there is to it," she said, her breath slowing down and getting more ragged.

    "No! I refuse to accept that! I''m going to save you! Just you watch!" I yelled through my tears. "Hnnng!!!"

    "What are you doing, little bird?" she said in confusion, raising her giant feathered eyebrow that was bigger than my entire body.

    "I''m straining! I''m going to develop the power to heal. Just hold on! Don''t die before I get there!" I yelled, sniffling.

    I started to believe. I could help others. I could heal others. I didn''t have to be a destructive monster. I could do good. I would do good, even if it meant giving up my life to do it. As I started to believe, something strange happened.

    The crown flashed and flickered in my mind. One by one, the jewels extinguished and went dark. I could feel that I didn''t have their powers anymore. The crown shrunk until I couldn''t see it anymore.

    What was happening? Was it something good? Would it help me save her? I kept pushing myself to believe in my ability to help others. In my desire to help others. In my love for people and creatures other than myself.

    Then something new began to form in the crown''s place. Thin weaving branches created a wreath. Leaves and flower buds sprouted along the wreath. It wasn''t a laurel wreath like I was familiar with from the traditions of ancient Greece.

    It appeared to be a rose wreath. Except, the stems or branches didn''t have thorns. They were smooth. Periodically around the wreath, rose buds sprouted but remained dormant and unbloomed.

    What was this? What did it mean? I wondered what this could be until a pulse of knowledge emanated from the wreath. Suddenly, I knew its name and its nature. It was the Wreath of Virtue. It offered the power to do good for those worthy of it.

    I realized this was the intended form of the crown. God had intended for the ruler of Hell to be a force for good, rather than a punisher. A nurturing force rather than a destructive one. It was only Lucifer''s original rotten nature that had corrupted it and turned into a force for evil and misery.

    Only someone who truly wanted more for others rather than themselves could return the wreath to its original state. Only someone who truly wanted to give to others and not themselves could do it. It took my desperate emotional state to change it.

    My desperate need to save someone else. My willingness to sacrifice myself for another. Especially someone who offered nothing to me in return. I simply wanted to save her because it was right. Nothing more, nothing less.

    The rose bud in the front of the wreath began to stir. It slowly opened up and bloomed into a beautiful yellow rose. It glowed softly with yellow light. Instantly, I knew this was the rose of compassion. It would allow me to heal Ziz''s fatal wound and set things right.

 Ch 51: Mending Feathers and Diplomatic Solutions

    I put my hands over her wound. Her breath was slowing down. I had very little time to accomplish what I needed to do. It would take a miracle to save her, but I knew I could do it.

    I concentrated on my compassion for her life and her right to live. A bright yellow light emanated from my hands.

    "What are you doing?" Ziz asked, breathing very raggedly. She was taking gasping breaths. She was at the end of her rope.

    I needed to hurry. I focused harder. She deserved to live like anyone else. I would worry about her desire to protect her skies and harm humans later. I could feel the cells and tissue regenerating under my palms. The flesh knit back together and feathers grew back to cover the wound.

    I stepped back to admire my handiwork. The hole in her side had healed and the feathers that had been burned off had grown back.

    "Thank you, little bird. I am eternally grateful and not to rush you, but would you so kindly grow back the wings you burned off my body? It hurts."

    "Oh! Yeah! I''m so sorry! I forgot to do that," I said. "Turn over first."

    "As you wish," she said, turning over so what was left of her wings were above her and not smashed against the ground.

    I pressed my hands against her side again and focused on my compassion for her well-being in my mind. My hands grew warm, and I watched as her wings grew back. They were much smaller than before due to her recent transformation, but they ended up being quite large, regardless. They grew to the height of her body.

    She straightened up and said, "Again, I am very grateful, but don''t you have a battle to get back to?"

    "Don''t you mean ''we'' have a battle to get back to?" I asked.

    "Why ''we''?" She asked, narrowing her eyes.

    I looked at her and narrowed my eyes right back. "Do you mean to tell me you were gonna get free healing from me and leave?"

    She looked away. "When you phrase it in such a way, it does not sound good."

    "No. No, it doesn''t," I said. I took out my hands and started counting on my fingers. "I best you in battle, I spare your life, I restore you to your full form, and you think you get to cut and run? No, no, no, missy. You''re going to help me end the battle that you helped start."

    "Alright! I will acquiesce to your demand," she said.

    <hr>

    At first I couldn''t keep up with Ziz. I assumed I didn''t have the speed ring power anymore since I lost the crown, but eventually I instinctively reached for the power and it activated. A line of purple rings formed in front of me, sending me blasting forward past Ziz, whose look of shock was priceless.

    Surprised, I looked inside myself, only to realize the wreath had transformed back into the Crown of Corruption. Damn it! I didn''t know when it happened. I never felt it change. Had it changed just now, or had it changed when I was commanding Ziz to help me in the battle?

    If I could slip back into sin that quickly, what did that mean for my fate? Would I always be a slave to sin, diving deeper and deeper until I lost sight of my true self and my original goals? I had wanted to be a benevolent ruler of Hell. A better ruler than Lucifer.

    But if I became a slave to the Crown of Corruption, would I ever be able to do that? I might even slip deeper than Lucifer did and become worse than him in the end. I couldn''t allow that, but I needed these powers, and I still didn''t know much about how to activate similarly useful but selfless versions of them through the Wreath of Virtue.

    I needed to master the wreath before I lost my battle with the crown, but I didn''t have to time to mess around and experiment with it. Too many lives were on the line.

    "Do you mind explaining to me exactly what it is you are engaging in right now?" Ziz said, flapping her wings.

    I was stopped in the air, flapping my wings as well. Huh. My internal thoughts deactivated my powers and stopped my forward momentum. I guess I really did have to keep indulging in the mental state of hubris in order to keep zooming forward.

    It was too bad that we had flown so far away from the battlefield. Traveling at Mach 15 or higher will do that. I had to indulge in hubris so long that I was afraid I would lose my mind all over again by the time we got back.

    I looked at Ziz and said, "Would you be able to give me a ride?"

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    "Oh. Yes, I can," she said. "Hold on to me!"

    I did as she asked and held on tight. She flapped her wings, and we blasted off into the sky.

    <hr>

    We arrived flying over the battlefield below. The battle was still going at a fervor. Demonic and abyssal blood alike covered the ground and the acrid smell of brimstone filled my nostrils as smoke rose into the air.

    "Looks like we have our work cut out for us," I said.

    "I heartily agree. So I must kill the creatures, but leave the red ones alone? Is that correct?" she said.

    "Before we start killing, I would like to try a peaceful resolution. I realize I have been going about things the wrong way lately, and I would like to correct that. Samael and the fallen angels may be evil, but these creatures are just animals. Terrifying animals, but still animals. I may be able to reason with them," I said.

    "If that is what you wish. You have shown yourself capable of many things. Peace feels like a small accomplishment compared to defeating me, the all-mighty Ziz," she said. "I''m sure you can fly from here."

    "Ok, I''m going to try to wrangle everyone up," I said, letting go of Ziz''s body and catching myself in the air with my own wings.

    "Good luck," she said.

    I focused within myself. I didn''t want to use the crown. I didn''t want to dominate the creatures into submission. I wanted to persuade them into a peaceful resolution. I cleared my mind first and then concentrated on the desire for peace.

    The crown shrank and disappeared faster than it had before, and the Wreath of Virtue formed in its place. The yellow flower of compassion was already fully bloomed. As I continued to focus, another rose bud began to bloom. This one was a deep blue. Once it had finished blooming, the knowledge of its nature transferred into my mind.

    It was the rose of diplomacy. It would offer me powers related to that. "Creatures of the Abyss!" I yelled out over the battlefield. Everyone''s heads looked up at me, including my demon troops. "We don''t have to fight! I have found a solution!" I had.

    Although, I had come up with it in the last 30 seconds, I did in fact have a plan. "I can transfer you to the Dire Wilds of Hell where you can live out normal lives! I just need your permission!"

    I didn''t actually need their permission, but having them stay still in one place would help with the Gates of Hell''s targeting system. And I just wanted to do this the right way. As I said before, they were just animals. I didn''t need to kill them or be cruel to them. Nature is cruel enough as it is.

    I heard a cacophony of different answers and shouts from the abyssal creatures that were all some form of agreement. I won''t list all the shouts simply because that would take too long.

    "Steves, can you hear me?" I pulled a small earbud out of a special pocket in my jacket and put it in my ear.

    "Loud and clear, boss!" Steve 1 said.

    "Yes, boss!" the other three Steves said.

    "Mmmph bfff!" sword Steve said inside the sheath.

    Oh yeah, I had sword Steve with me. I could have used him during the fights with Behemoth and Ziz. Oh well. That didn''t matter. I still won. Speaking of winning against Behemoth, I needed to heal him.

    I didn''t like the idea of leaving him in his current state, and I realized he might be useful to me. All three of the ''great creatures'', as I was calling them in my head, would be useful in the future. Now that I knew they weren''t all unreasonable.

    "Steves, can you use the Gates'' targeting system to teleport the abyssal creatures to the Dire Wilds?" I asked.

    "I think so. Shouldn''t be too hard. Just have to temporarily relocate the Gates and recalibrate them," Steve 2 said.

    "Good. Do it whenever you''re ready," I said.

    After a minute, red lights shot down from the sky, enveloping the abyssal creatures and teleporting them away to the Dire Wilds. I wiped the sweat off my forehead. That had been a lot easier than I expected.

    "All done," Steve 2 said.

    "Thank you," I said. "Now relocate the gates back to their normal position. I''m going to have you transfer the demon army back."

    "Yes, sir. Just tell me when," he said.

    "I will," I said.

    I focused on what remained of my demon army. I couldn''t tell how many troops I had lost, because undead demon soldiers that had been resurrected by Gilbert, the necromancer, stood among the living, and I couldn''t always tell which was which. That said, there were still a good hundred or two hundred troops missing.

    The only thing I could guess is some of the bodies had been torn apart and weren''t able to function as undead soldiers due to missing limbs or heads. We had been well equipped and well armed, but there were just so many of the creatures, we couldn''t help but take some casualties.

    It was a lot, but I was thankful it wasn''t more. We had taken out far more abyssal creatures than they had taken out demon soldiers, but again, there were just too many of them. Abyssal creatures burned and shredded to pieces littered the ground with a sea of bodies.

    My troops looked exhausted and discouraged. They had seen some of their friends die and it had been a long battle. Part of that was my fault for not realizing I could end it sooner or rather, choosing not to, but what was done was done.

    At least they would get to go home and see their families now. And receive a fat bonus on top of their usual salary. The families of the fallen would be fairly compensated as well. I took care of my people. I wasn''t a cheap bastard like the old Devil. No offense to Lucifer now, but back in the day, he had been a dick, and I heard about it a lot when talking to his former employees, who were my current employees. He constantly cut wages, increased hours, and turned all the toilet paper rolls backwards in the bathrooms.

    "Everyone! You fought well and you fought hard. You all get to go home! You''ll be receiving a huge bonus for your hard work and sacrifice! I know this isn''t the normal day to day for you all. You''ve also earned some well-deserved time off! Extra PTO for everyone who participated in the battle!" I yelled.

    "Yeahhh!!!" they all yelled and held up their pitchforks, firing them into the air. They were lasers so there was no danger of their shots coming back down, but I had to dodge a few of the less carefully aimed ones.

    "And don''t worry, the families of the fallen will be very fairly compensated for their losses," I said, flipping through the air, dodging a few more lasers.

    The soldiers started to chant. "Dave! Dave! Dave! Dave! Dave!"

    "Ok, Steve 2. You can send them home. Only the living ones though," I said.

    "You got it, boss," Steve 2 said. "Don''t transport the deadies."

    Red lights shot down from the sky again and teleported the demon soldiers back to the Gates of Hell.

 Ch 52: Priorities

    I hovered over the battlefield, looked at the bodies below, and said, "Steve, can we transport the dead and undead bodies to a safe location?"

    "Yes, sir," he said.

    Infernal red lights shot down and the bodies, dead and undead, disappeared.

    "Thanks, Steve," I said.

    "No problem, sir," he said.

    I flew down to where I saw Gilbert standing. Or at least, the person I assumed was Gilbert. There was a demon in purple robes standing in the middle of the battlefield looking up at me. His flesh had been restored, but he looked different from a normal demon.

    He was gray-black with branching veins and cracks of gold in his skin. The gold seemed organic in nature. It didn''t seem like actual gold so much as just gold tinted skin. He had a deceptively young-looking face for someone who was probably hundreds or even thousands of years old. He had a goatee, spiky black hair, and gold horns.

    I touched down on the ground a few feet in front of him. "Gilbert. Good job out there. Judging by the number of undead, you were effective in your work, I assume."

    "I was. Although, I would have preferred to prevent as many casualties as there were, my undead soldiers did do a good job of buying time until you decided to use your overwhelming power to end the fight without further bloodshed," he said, gritting his teeth.

    "You seem upset by that," I said, a little taken aback. What had his underwear in a twist?

    "I am. Here I was risking my undead life and watching my brethren¡ªof which you are not, even with your new features¡ªdie, when you could have ended the battle before it even started. So many lives could have been spared!" he said.

    "Hold on. I didn''t know I could stop them without using mind control until later," I said, putting my hands up.

    "You''re saying you could have in fact prevented the battle, but you didn''t want to use mind control on a bunch of mindless monsters? What is wrong with you? You valued the consent of soulless creatures over the lives of your subjects? That is so illogical, I can''t wrap my mind around it!" he said, throwing his hands up and walking away.

    "Hey! I''m sorry I didn''t violate their consent to save our lives, ok! I''m going through a lot that you don''t know about right now that could lead to catastrophic disaster if I make the wrong decision," I said.

    Gilbert turned around and crossed his arms over his chest. "Try me."

    "If I use these sinful powers of mine, I could lose myself to them and go as psycho or worse than Lucifer did. I could try to take over the world and cause the deaths of not only millions or even billions of humans but also millions of demons," I said, pulling at my hair.

    "Every moment I let myself relax, the crown of corruption, the thing that gives me my powers, starts to warp my mind. Not too long ago, I was actually considering taking over the world. It would make managing these apocalyptic scenarios a hell of a lot easier."

    "In the middle of the fight, I was cursing God and planning revenge against Him. That''s insane! If I had mind controlled thousands of those abyssal creatures at the beginning of the battle, who knows what that would have done to my mind! I could have lost it and led the army to take over this entire country!"

    "Ok, planning a war against god may be a little too far, even for me," Gilbert said. "I suppose I see your point, but I still don''t like it. I''d like to see you become the administrator we all want you to be, and kowtowing to Heaven isn''t it."

    "What do you suggest I do then, oh mighty Gilbert? Please teach me oh wise one!" I said. I was getting a little tired of being pushed around by him.

    "Hey! I''m just giving you my honest opinions. I never said you had to follow them. I just want what''s best for Hell, and you''re taking us down a bad path. Is it really so wrong for me to raise my voice and speak up?" he said.

    "No, not necessarily. You''re just taking me in a very different direction than I was going and I don''t know how to reconcile in my mind which is the right decision," I said. "This is all very confusing and difficult to think about, especially after such a massive and exhausting battle."

    "Ok, I suppose that makes sense. I did go pretty hard on you there. I just don''t like to see my brethren die in front of me," Gilbert said. "It''s not a pleasant experience."

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    "I understand that. What do you think I should do?" I said. "If I''m being honest, I don''t just want to stop Samael and the fallen angels for God or Heaven. I want to stop them because Samael tried to kill me and made me look like a chump. Also, he''s an asshole and I don''t want to see him get his way."

    "Ok, that''s a motivation I can get behind," he said. "Do that, and then come back to Hell and we''ll talk. I know I''m not the foremost expert on running Hell, seeing as I''ve never done it, but I''ve been around the block a few million times. I think I have a lot to offer as an advisor, and I''d like to help you, Dave. I don''t hate you. Not yet. I just think you need to reconsider your priorities."

    "That''s fine. You can stay in the control room building. We have some beds in the basement for day time naps in case anyone needs one," I said. "Steve, beam him up."

    "Yes, boss," Steve 2 said.

    "I''ll see you on the other side," Gilbert said.

    A red light came down and teleported Gilbert away. Shortly after that, Fredericka ran up and said, "Hi, master. What do you want me to do?"

    "Hang out in the control room. I''ll have Nimby get you something to eat," I said.

    "Yes, master," she said.

    "About the master thing, there''s something I need to tell you. I realize now, I accidentally mind controlled you into obeying me. I understand if you don''t want to have anything to do with me because of that. I''ll just send you to the Dire Wilds and we''ll go our separate ways," I said.

    "But I''d like to apologize and I''d like you to consider that when making your decision. I deeply apologize for violating your consent. I didn''t know what I was doing at the time, and I''m sorry."

    "Master? You changed my mind? I don''t know how to react to that. I kind of want you to keep being my master, but I don''t know if that''s what I should want or if that''s the mind control," she said.

    "Think about it. Consider that I will take very good care of you and compensate you fairly if you decide to stay. But ultimately it''s about what you want. I''m not entirely sure I can undo the mind control without messing it up more, so I''ll try to leave it as is. Unless you want me to try," I said.

    "No. I feel fine this way. I don''t want you messing around in my head anymore than you already have. I will think about it. Regardless of what you did, I would like to be fed and taken care of. You have no idea how hard it is to be the leader of a herd of dire unicorns. It''s so much pressure!" she said.

    "I hadn''t considered that," I said, chuckling. "Well, I''ll send you on your way. Steve, beam her up."

    "Yes, boss," Steve 2 said.

    "Bye, master! Impale your enemies'' butts for me!" she said.

    Another red light came down and teleported Fredericka away. It would be dramatic for me to say I was all alone now, but that wouldn''t be true. There was still Ziz, flying around in the sky.

    Then there was Behemoth. I had a job to do. I had to restore him to his original form. And then we would talk. I flew over to where Behemoth''s head was. I had smashed his mouth so he couldn''t speak and I needed to speak to him, so I would have to heal that first before I did anything else.

    I focused on my compassion for his well-being, on how much I wanted him to be whole again, and the crown shrunk and disappeared, and was replaced by the Wreath of Virtue. The yellow rose of compassion emanated yellow light, and I gained the ability to heal and restore.

    With my healing ability back, I set to work on mending Behemoth''s mouth. I focused on the image of what his mouth looked like before I smashed it to pieces. Slowly, pieces of rock and earth floated back into place and reformed his head to its original state.

    "Behemoth, can you speak?" I asked.

    "No thanks to you," he said.

    "What do you mean? I healed your mouth. It is thanks to me," I said.

    "Oh. Right. Well, I wouldn''t need to be healed in the first place if you hadn''t disfigured me," he said, furrowing his brow. It sounded like rocks sliding over each other. If I thought about it, a lot of his movements sounded like rocks sliding over each other. Probably because they were.

    "I apologize for that. I''m looking to make it up to you. What if I made you whole again? Would you agree not to kill any humans?" I said.

    "Hmm. I don''t love that you''re not actually giving me anything extra, beyond just restoring me to how I should be before you broke me, but I am broken. So I do need mending. You know what? That''s a deal. I''ll agree to that," he said.

    "Good. Now we''re going to shake on it, ok?" I said, smiling.

    This is exactly what I wanted. To make a binding deal so that he had to obey our agreement. I felt the wreath immediately disappear and be replaced by the Crown of Corruption. Damn it! It felt like the thing was just mocking me now.

    "Ok," Behemoth boomed.

    I flew down to Behemoth''s right hand, which was smashed to pieces, but I grabbed a piece and shook it up and down. I felt as the deal magic sealed the deal and flowed through my body into Behemoth. Nice.

    Then I focused on getting back my restoration ability by forcing myself to think about how much I cared about Behemoth''s well-being. The wreath came back, the power was restored, and I began my work.

    I created the image of Behemoth whole again in my mind. I closed my eyes to focus, but I could hear the movement of rocks and stone and earth coming back together to form his body. After an hour, I opened my eyes. My work was done.

    Behemoth stood up, shaking the earth tremendously. "This is wonderful! I feel great!" he said, jumping up and down and causing huge holes to form in the earth around his feet.

    "Now I want to discuss a plan with you that you are free to opt out of. I do think it would help you and I equally in the long run though. What I want to do is¡­" I said.

    I explained the plan I devised to take down Samael. I didn''t know what I was going to do about the rest of the fallen angels, but Samael was the leader and without him, hopefully, the rest would abandon whatever plan he had and scatter to the wind.

    If not, I would have to engage in some angel hunting, which I did not want to do, but I would if I had to. Ziz came down at some point during the conversation and I relayed the plan to her as well.

 Ch 53: Peeling off the Husk

    Using my hell phone, I tapped into a news broadcast that was currently broadcasting a podium in front of the White House. One of the great things about hell phones is you didn''t have to pay for TV or subscription services. The current President of the United States stood before the podium.

    His name was something weird sounding. Not to be offensive to whatever familial culture he was brought up in. It just sounded strange to me. I think it was Peel-off Husk.

    You know, like corn. They had a corn president. I would have called him my president, since I originated from the United States, but one benefit from becoming a citizen of Hell is that I didn''t have to ally or associate myself with my former country''s government or its leaders.

    "Citizens," Pylaff Husk spread his arms wide, "for too long have we had to tiptoe around the sensibilities of other countries. Well, no more! As of today, I am declaring war on the countries of the world! In a few minutes, we will be firing nuclear warheads into every country other than our own! I have prepared a fireworks display over the White House to commemorate this momentous occasion!"

    Suddenly, the glass of water on the podium rippled enough to be caught by the camera. Every few seconds, the water in the glass rippled harder.

    "What is that?" Pylaff Husk said. "Guards! Get the air force to investigate and eliminate that disturbance!" He was instinctively ducking and covering his head.

    The glass itself started to shudder until it eventually slid off the podium and shattered on the ground.

    "Someone find out what that is! Now!" Pylaff yelled.

    Pylaff and the surrounding ground grew dark like a cloud went in front of the sun. Pylaff looked up and off screen to the right. "What the hell is that?"

    The ground shook so hard that Pylaff fell to the ground and the camera fell sideways. It kept broadcasting. The sound of explosions could be heard happening off screen.

    Pylaff tried to crawl backwards. "No! No! Nooo!!!"

    The video feed grew darker and darker until something solid and massive came down and smashed Pylaff. The news feed shook violently until finally breaking into static.

    I put away my hell phone and looked down from Behemoth''s shoulder. Pylaff had disappeared under Behemoth''s foot, but I was under no illusions that would be it. He was stronger than that.

    As if to prove my point, the top of Behemoth''s foot exploded and Pylaff flew up on black wings towards me. Behemoth roared in pain. I patted Behemoth''s shoulder. "Don''t worry buddy. I''ll heal you when all this is over. You just have to endure until then."

    "Thank you, Dave," his booming voice responded.

    Pylaff continued to rapidly climb up towards me on unholy wings of disgust and hatred. I drew sword Steve in preparation for the battle to come. Pylaff finished ascending Behemoth''s massive body and gently touched down on his shoulder, facing me.

    "I didn''t anticipate you coming back from your wounds, let alone coming back with two of the three domain holders," he looked up at Ziz who was swooping down towards us.

    Ziz cried out in her best bird scream and tried to snatch Pylaff up with her massive talons. Pylaff dodged to the left and narrowly missed her talons. Ziz cried out in frustration and started circling around to make another pass.

    "Ziz! Stand down! I don''t want him to kill either of you," I said, putting my hand up palm facing out. "I''ve got this."

    "As you wish, little bird, but you better not die!" she said. She flew up higher into the sky and began to circle, just watching.

    "Don''t worry. I won''t," I said, looking at Pylaff with a confident grin on my face.

    "You seem awfully confident for someone whom I pulverized less than 24 hours ago," Pylaff said, pushing up his sleeves.

    "You seem awfully arrogant for someone who just cried like a baby before being stepped on," I said, taking off my jacket and then my shirt.

    "What are you doing?" he said.

    "I''m asserting my dominance," I said, flexing my bare chest and arms.

    "Whatever. You''re just making yourself more vulnerable for me," he said, sweeping his hand through the air.

    I concentrated and poured all my mental energy into my pride over my physical appearance. The silver mercurial jewel of vanity lit up on the Crown of Corruption. My body changed to look like it was made out of white marble, like the statue of David. Except this was the statue of Dave, and he was exceptional.

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    I lifted sword Steve and shifted my feet into a fencing position. "Come on."

    "That''s not exactly fair. I don''t have a weapon," he said.

    "Quit your whining! I''m sure you''re more than capable of coming up with a weapon. You''re just trying to throw me off," I said.

    He shrugged. "You caught me." He ripped his left arm out of the socket and completely off his body. He held the arm up like a sword until it transformed into a huge glaive.

    A glaive for those who don''t know is a pole weapon with a single-edged blade on the end. Like a spear or halberd except instead of a point or an axe head with a point, it''s just a blade. They are incredibly effective and deadly in the right hands. They have a tremendous advantage over standard swords due to their reach.

    He closed his eyes and a new left arm burst from his shoulder socket. He used his new arm to hold the glaive in two hands and position himself in a fighting stance of his own.

    Pylaff lunged forward with his glaive, thrusting it at me, attempting to gore me on it. I jumped to the side and knocked it aside with sword Steve. He quickly repositioned his glaive and thrust it at me straight on again.

    I grabbed the blade with my bare hand and broke it off, throwing it back at him. He narrowly dodged it and it skidded off Behemoth''s shoulder, falling many hundreds of feet to the ground.

    "How did you do that?" he asked.

    "Wouldn''t you like to know," I said.

    "Yes, I would. That''s why I asked," he said.

    "Well, I''m not telling you," I said.

    Pylaff ripped his hand off and stuck it to the end of the glaive. It morphed to form a new blade for the weapon. A new hand burst out of his wrist. He twirled the glaive around, passing it from one hand to the other without breaking the spin. He finished his impressive yet annoying display of acrobatics by tossing the twirling glaive high into the air.

    Then he ripped his left hand off again and transformed it into a handful of throwing knives, which he threw at me all at once. Then he caught the glaive, regenerated his hand, and lunged at me behind the spray of knives.

    None of that mattered to me because I was invincible. I jumped through the cloud of knives, letting them glance off my body, transitioning into a front flip. Pylaff tried to stab me but the blade glanced off my back and when I completed the front flip, I was above him in the air, past the end of the glaive. This meant the distancing effect of the glaive had been neutralized.

    See, if I had simply lunged straight on, he could push me back with the glaive. Even if the blade didn''t cut me, he could keep me at bay. But not with the front flip. I swung sword Steve down at Pylaff''s face. Pylaff turned his head sideways trying to dodge, but I grabbed his torso with my legs, keeping him in place.

    The sword sliced through flesh. I landed on my feet and kicked Pylaff in the chest, sending him sprawling. His body landed near a pine tree growing out of Behemoth''s shoulder. We were on his right shoulder, which had a forest growing on it.

    Pylaff scrambled along the ground, eventually touching the tree and using low-hanging branches to pull himself up. "I can''t fucking see!" Pylaff turned around blindly, reaching his arms out. "Where are you, you bastard!" I could barely understand what he was saying. It all came out garbled, but my domination jewel translated it for me.

    When he turned around, I realized his problem. His entire face had been sliced off. Everything that you could define as being part of a face was gone, including his eyes. All I could see were pieces of skull and brain. It was grotesque.

    The wound looked burned. Cauterized. That would explain why he wasn''t healing right away.

    "Bllblbblrchtagrff!" turned into, "Why am I not healing? Hnnng!" He clenched and flexed his muscles and I saw his face start to grow back, but Pylaff''s face wasn''t the one that emerged from his skull. His face reformed into the face of Samael, the fallen angel who had almost killed me in the Abyss.

    Samael narrowed his eyes at me in anger. "How did you know it was me?"

    "I knew you couldn''t resist the power of taking control of one of the largest countries in the world," I said. "And your speech just confirmed it. I knew if it wasn''t you, it was one of your fallen angel cronies. The world leaders are all dead, aren''t they?"

    "If they had surrendered peacefully, we would have spared them," Samael said, shrugging.

    "No, you wouldn''t have! You liar," I said.

    "You got me there," he said.

    "Is this the point where I kill you?" I asked.

    "I was going to say the same thing," he said.

    "That''s just it. You can''t kill me," I said. "This ends with your death, whether that takes a minute or a month."

    "Why can''t I kill you? Wait. You didn''t actually¡ª" Samael said.

    "I did," I said. "Now no one can kill me." I flexed my muscles.

    "Well, that makes this simpler," he said, cracking his knuckles, sending a chill down my spine.

    "What do you mean?" I asked, warily.

    "I don''t have to kill you," he said. "I just have to disable you. I put you in a chokehold, depriving your brain of oxygen until you pass out, and then I bury you in the ground. Cain and I used to call them his little naps."

    "Every hundred years we would end up killing all the people with demon deals, and then I''d bury him for another hundred years to let the demon deals accumulate until we did it all over again."

    "That doesn''t make sense. Why would Cain want to die for real if you could effectively kill him by burying him in the ground?" I said.

    "It''s not the same. Ceasing to have brainwaves is nothing like living eternally in heaven. I just had to convince him he''d go to heaven once he died," Samael said.

    "That''s fucked up," I said.

    "So?" he asked.

    "So you shouldn''t do fucked up things," I said.

    "Says who?" he asked.

    "I do," I said. Arguing with this guy was infuriating and pointless.

    "Then make me stop," he said.

    "Maybe I will," I said, gathering anger in the bottom of my stomach. I put out my left hand and let hell fire flow out of it.

    Hell fire covered Samael and obscured his body from view. I thought it was doing something until the fire started to get smaller and smaller until it was revealed that Samael was sucking it into his mouth.

    I stopped shooting fire and he finished sucking it in. He swallowed and said, "Mmm. Yummy."

    "What the fuck?" I said.

    "What? You think unholy things like hellfire can hurt me? I''m a fallen angel, baby. I''m one of the unholiest things to ever exist," he said, spreading his arms wide.

    Uh oh. Time to change tactics.

 Ch 54: Samael, the Serpent of the Garden

    Unholy powers like hell fire couldn''t hurt Samael, and holy weapons like sword Steve only hurt him temporarily. Steve was holy because regardless of being the son of Satan, Lucifer was an angel. A fallen one, but still an angel. All angels are made from God''s grace or light, depending on how you interpret the texts. When they are created, angels are entered into a contract with God.

    In order to maintain their grace and holiness, they must stay ascended beings. If God were to cast them out of Heaven for any reason¡ªusually for disobedience¡ªtheir grace reverses. They not only lose their holiness, but they become unholy, which makes them vulnerable to holiness.

    Because Steve was born of an angel, he is similar to a nephilim, a half angel, half human. The only difference being he''s actually half satyr instead of half human. Regardless, he is still half angel. Because he never disobeyed God, he still has God''s grace.

    This makes him holy, even though he is technically supposed to be the Antichrist. The Antichrist is a position, not a nature. To carry out the duties of the Antichrist, he would''ve had to have been led down that path by Lucifer or someone else.

    Since I got my hooks in him early, Steve never truly became the Antichrist as he was supposedly destined to be. Steve is good. And as such, when in sword form, he is a holy weapon. All that is to explain why Steve is specially tuned to hurting an unholy being like the fallen angel, Samael.

    But since he could only hurt Samael temporarily until he healed himself, we had to kick it up a notch.

    "Steve, I need you to pull out all the stops. Go supernova," I said.

    "Are you sure? The last two times I destroyed Las Vegas and activated a volcano," sword Steve responded. "Which might I remind you, is still active and causing ash to fall on rebuilt Las Vegas."

    "I know, Steve, but this is one of the rare times it''s necessary. Even with all my abilities, you are still far stronger than me. I need you right now. Please," I said, to a seemingly inanimate sword made of solidified light.

    "Ok, but you don''t get to scold or criticize me if something goes wrong. I''m just doing what you told me to do," he said.

    "I know, I know. I won''t scold you," I promised.

    Something strange happened. The crown instantly turned into the wreath and energy flowed through my body. After a few seconds, I realized it was much like my deal making ability when I had the crown.

    The wreath seemed to have a similar ability that worked on promises.It made the promise binding. Whenever I promised something to someone, I had to follow through with it or there would be consequences.

    That didn''t seem very convenient. It gave me no benefit and only enforced my selfless behaviors on my part. Although, almost nothing about virtues were convenient to yourself, other than how they related to your ability to sacrifice for and help others.

    No wonder it was so much easier to fall into corruption. Corruption gave someone things that directly benefitted them, whereas virtue either inconvenienced people or, at best, was neutral to them. And I wasn''t just talking about the crown and wreath abilities.

    "Ahhh!!!" sword Steve screamed.

    White beams of light shot out of the sword in different directions. One of the beams swiped across Samael''s chest, burning him and even his clothes, which somehow seemed to be part of him. "Arrgh!" Samael grunted. "What are you¡ª"

    I lunged forward, swiping at the glaive as he raised it to defend himself. My sword cut right through the glaive, and setting it on fire. Samael threw the burning glaive to the ground that was the surface of Behemoth''s shoulder. The beams of light hit me and the surrounding trees and did nothing to either of us.

    I aimed the tip of the sword at Samael. "Single focused beam," I said.

    ¡°Yes, boss,¡± Steve replied.

    The rays of light shooting out of Steve in all directions, came together into a single beam emanating from the tip of the sword. It hit Samael in the middle of his chest causing him to scream. He twisted out of the way and dove behind a tree.

    I followed him with the beam, but when it hit the tree, nothing happened. ¡°Steve. I know you can burn through the tree. What''s wrong?¡±

    ¡°But the tree is innocent. It''s done nothing to us. Why must I harm it?¡± Steve said.

    ¡°I guess that''s a fair point, but this is a life or death situation. It''s kill or be killed! Do you really want to risk both of our lives over a single tree?¡± I said.

    ¡°Yes, I do,¡± Steve said, not budging on the issue.

    ¡°Fine,¡± I said.

    I ran around the tree to get line of sight back on Samael, but I saw him jump around the tree to stay behind it.

    ¡°You can''t hide forever!¡± I said.

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    ¡°Watch me!¡± he yelled.

    I considered burning down the trees, but Steve got into my head about it. I would feel bad if I did that. Instead, I decided to ask Behemoth for help. I jumped into the air and flipped my wings to hover a few feet off his shoulder.

    ¡°Behemoth! Can you shake your shoulder for me?¡± I asked.

    ¡°Sure, Dave,¡± Behemoth responded.

    Behemoth shook his shoulder back and forth violently. Trees rushed past me quickly until one hit me, sending me tumbling through the air. I hadn''t anticipated that.

    When I caught myself, I was a decent distance away from Behemoth''s shoulder and watched as Samael was flung off. Samael caught himself with his jet black wings, but I aimed Steve¡¯s beam and cut off one of his wings.

    Samael fell. I dove after him. I tried to aim Steve at him but it was too difficult at that speed and with Samael tumbling. I tried to catch up to him and grab him, but his body started to ripple and morph.

    Just as I reached out to grab him, Samael¡¯s body split into a dozen hawks that flew away. One of the hawks still had a cut burnt wing and that one fell, but the remaining ones fell off. Then their bodies began to ripple and morph and grow. Each of them split into another dozen hawks each.

    The now huge flock of hawks flew away. I followed them, but each of them grew and split and grew and split until their were hundreds of them. It was at this point that the flock split and flew in all different directions.

    He was trying to escape obviously, but the nature of his shape shifting and regenerating powers led me to believe that if even one hawk escaped, he would be able to regenerate into a whole Samael again. He could disappear and I''d never be able to find him again.

    I had gotten lucky this time because he made himself a target, but if he wanted to hide, it would be impossible for me to find him. I needed to end him here.

    ¡°Behemoth! Ziz! Kill the hawks! All of them!¡± I yelled. ¡°Even the wounded one!¡±

    Ziz moved in and Behemoth began swatting birds out of the sky while avoiding hitting me or Ziz. Every hawk that Behemoth hit, exploded into feathers and blood. Ziz flapped her elemental wings, sending out waves of elemental attacks, getting a large portion of the birds with each attack.

    Realizing they were effectively boxed in, the hawks that were left, flew at me. They all grabbed hold of me with their talons and beaks. I swung sword Steve, getting a few at a time, but their were too many of them.

    They weren''t hurting me, so I didn''t see Samael''s plan at first, but the hawks morphed into three Samaels. One held my legs, while another held my arms behind my back and the third clawed at my chest.

    I realized a little too late, that he was trying to remove the mark from my body.

    I tried to swing my sword, but the Samael holding my arms was too strong. I got angry and focused on imposing my might on him, and it worked but not before one of the others ripped the mark out of my chest.

    I broke free of Samael''s grip, but the one with the mark pushed himself away from me. Then the other two Samael''s shot at him and they merged.

    Now one Samael, he pressed the mark against his chest. It started to merge with his chest. I couldn''t let that happen. If he became invincible, I would probably lose. Even with Behemoth and Ziz backing me up, an invincible Samael was very bad news.

    I couldn''t let that happen, but what could I do? I flew at him and swung sword Steve at him, but he nimbly dodged out of the way. Out of options, I swung at him again, but the sword changed shape in my hands.

    I looked down at Steve. He looked like a hand grenade. ¡°Throw me,¡± he said.

    It dawned on me. He wasn''t just a hand grenade, he was a holy hand grenade. If he exploded, he could potentially obliterate Samael.

    But¡­¡±what will happen to you?¡± I asked.

    ¡°You''ve treated me with kindness, companionship, and gave me a purpose. Let me do this one last thing for you,¡± he said.

    ¡°No! You can''t do this!¡± I yelled.

    ¡°Do it before it''s too late!¡± he yelled.

    Tears dropped from my eyes, hitting his white metal surface. Taking a deep breath, I pulled the pin and gently tossed Steve at Samael, whose skin was healing over the mark on his chest.

    ¡°Catch!¡± I yelled.

    The grenade bumped against Samael¡¯s chest and he instinctively grabbed the object. Looking down, his eyes widened, realizing what it was.

    ¡°Noooo!!!¡± Samael yelled, and opened his hands to drop the grenade, but it was too late.

    Grenade Steve exploded in a flash of brilliant white light, burning and tearing apart Samael¡¯s body. The light didn''t hurt me, but the explosion pushed me back.

    I blinked my eyes, trying to get my vision back. When I finally could see again, I looked around for signs of Samael¡¯s potential survival. On the ground I saw a blackened ball.

    I flew down quickly and scooped it up. At first I didn''t know what it was. Until it started talking. Well, talking is a very generous description of the noise it was making.

    It sounded like someone gargling gravel. My domination jewel translated the noises into words. ¡°Damn you, Dave. This isn''t the end of me. Give me a minute and I''ll be regenerated and ready to fight you all over again.¡±

    I looked at the head. Could he really come back from this? As I was staring at the blackened and charred object that was completely unrecognizable, I saw movement. It was started to writhe and warp like his body had when he turned into a dozen birds.

    Knowing I had very little time before this thing turned into a bunch of bugs for all I knew that would skitter off and escape, I said, "Steves, I need a holy weapon. Can one of you teleport here and turn into a mace or something so I can finish off Samael before he escapes?"

    "What happened to sword Steve?" Steve 4 asked.

    "He¡­didn''t make it," I said.

    "What? What happened?" Steve 3 asked.

    "He sacrificed himself to stop Samael, but his effort will be wasted if someone doesn''t holy weapon up in the next ten seconds," I said.

    "I''ll do it!" Steve 1 said.

    Steve 1 teleported next to me and then dropped to the ground as she transformed into a mace made of light. I dropped the head, grabbed the mace, and wound up a swing. The head started rippling more rapidly. It was about to pop any second.

    I swung the mace down and smashed what remained of Samael''s head. I squashed into green and red fluids. So he had been transforming into bugs. Gross. I didn''t know how powerful his regeneration was, so I rolled the mace around in the fluids until they blackened and boiled and dried up. I kept going after that. I kept going until the black stain on the ground no longer reacted to the mace.

    Finally, it was over. We would have to hunt down the remaining fallen angels, but the leader, the most dangerous one, was defeated. As I was staring at the black stain on the ground, a glint of something caught my eye. I picked it up.

    It was a glowing white piece of shrapnel from the holy hand grenade that Steve had become. I put it in my pocket. The Steves all had very impressive regeneration abilities. There was a chance, however slim, that he might be able to come back from this. We had already lost two Steves three years ago, we didn''t need to lose another.

    Ziz landed near me and Behemoth gently stepped next to me with his foot that was hundreds of times my size.

    "What''s next?" Ziz asked.

    "I second that question. What is next?" Behemoth said.

    "Let me think," I said. And I did.

 Ch 55: Aftermath

    I placed the glowing piece of shrapnel that was what remained of sword Steve on a velvet cushion in a glass case in the middle of the control room. I hoped someday I would come back to a whole Steve rather than just a piece, but this felt like a good way to honor him either way.

    I had let Ziz and Behemoth go free, as long as they promised not to harm any humans. They would be my guardians. My spies keeping tabs on Earth. I tracked down Leviathan and asked him to do the same. He surprisingly agreed to the arrangement, despite the fact that I had nothing to offer him other than friendship.

    I made sure to grab the Mark of Cain and reattach it to my body. Agent Drew texted me that he needed to speak to me urgently, but I told him I would get back to him once everything on my end had been settled.

    He totally understood and didn''t bother me further. Just kidding! That is the second time I used that joke, but I think it''s important to emphasize how important the events that took place were. I wanted to help him sort it out, I really did, but I had my own shit to handle, and now that the main threat was gone, I had some personal things to deal with.

    ---

    I visited Chef Demi''s house. Samael had gotten rid of him somehow and replaced him recently. I was afraid of what I would find, but Demi was fine.

    I found him in his backyard throwing a BBQ for some friends and family. I got to meet a lot of people. Even his wife. I didn''t even know he was married. Shows what kind of boss I was. I resolved to amend that.

    Apparently, Samael, disguised as me, had given him the last couple months off. Paid. I explained what had actually happened, but I agreed to pay him for his time off, since it wasn''t his fault he hadn''t been at work.

    I was just relieved that Samael hadn''t killed him. I missed the amazing food Demi cooked for the office. I was happy he was ok too. I''m not a monster.

    I did cut his vacation short. With Samael, who had been posing as Demi, dead, I needed my head chef back. I did pay him for the remaining time he was supposed to get off. I just made him promise not to tell anyone in the office, for fear of potential backlash.

    ---

    I walked down the hall of the Red Valley hospital, dreading the coming meeting, but also wanting to make sure she was ok. Sarah had been in the hospital since her ordeal with Cain where he stripped her naked and tried to kill her. I felt guilty for not visiting her sooner, but there had been so much going on that I forgot.

    When I walked in Sarah was in a hospital gown pacing back and forth. She looked at me with venom. "You bastard!" She walked up to me and punched me in the face.

    I put my hand up to my face instinctively even though it didn''t hurt. "That''s not very ladylike."

    "Oh shut up! You''re not sexist," she said.

    "I was saying it ironically. Ironic sexism," I said.

    "That''s dumb," she said.

    "You''re dumb," I said. She didn''t respond. "So, I''m sorry I left you in a hospital for days."

    "You better be! It''s not like I can leave. We''re in Hell. Where would I go? They were going to discharge me three days ago but they kept me because I had nowhere to go," she said.

    "Was the hospital food that bad?" I asked, scratching the back of my head.

    "You have no idea! Or maybe you do. Why is everything spicy? Even the fucking pudding was spicy!" She yelled.

    "Yeah, sorry about that. Demons have different taste buds than we do. Spicy to them is like umami is to us. You could''ve asked them to hold the spice though," I said.

    "That''s what I always do. I like spicy as much as the next guy, but some of the peppers they grow down here make ghost peppers seem mild."

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    "Well, I''m glad I had you with me to tell me that. Oh wait. I didn''t. You fuck!" She said.

    "It really was that bad huh?" I asked, wincing.

    "I haven''t eaten in days!" She yelled.

    "Oh, ouch. Yeah, I really am sorry. I just had to save the world again. It was kind of urgent," I said.

    "You''re always saving the world. What makes this one any different?" said Sarah.

    "Every world leader has been replaced by fallen angels, including the President of the United States, and the leader was planning to start a thermonuclear war with every country on the planet," I said.

    "Oh. Yeah that is serious. Ok, I forgive you, but can you get me some real food? I''m about to pass out," she said, wobbling on her feet.

    "Sure," I said, hitting the buzzer on her hospital bed. A nurse came into the room. "Could you get Sarah non spicy food? She''s human. She can''t handle it like demons can."

    "We already accounted for that. We reduced¡ª" she said.

    "Don''t reduce. Eliminate. No spice. No capsaicin. None. Nada. Zilch. Zero." I said

    "Yes, sir," she said, nodding at me. She left the room.

    "Thanks, Dave," she said.

    "No problem," I said. "So, do you want me to teleport you back to your house?"

    "Yes, and no. I''m not super jazzed about dealing with my mom''s death. Funeral, ashes, talking to the police. The whole thing," she said, wiping her eye.

    "What? What do you mean? Your mom is dead? How did that happen?" I asked. I did not see that coming.

    "Cain killed her. She tried to resist, and he killed her. It happened when you were getting Margaret to the hospital," she said, a tear dripping from her eye.

    "Oh, Sarah," I said, pulling her into a hug. "I''m so sorry. I didn''t mean to cause that."

    "You didn''t," she said, hugging me back. "But someone with as much power as you has to make choices, and sometimes people die because of those choices."

    "It shouldn''t be that way," I said, tears welling up in my own eyes.

    "Look at it this way. If you didn''t have the power, everyone you wanted to save would die, rather than just some of them," she said.

    "That''s a depressing thought. Damned if I do, fucked if I don''t," I said.

    "Hey, at least you have power. Imagine what I feel like right now. I couldn''t even save my own mother," she said.

    "You''re right. I probably shouldn''t be so ''woe is me'' when you''re dealing with something far worse," I said, placing my chin on her head.

    She was a head shorter than me. It was something I often did when we were together, and I probably shouldn''t have done it, but it was comforting and my emotions were in overdrive.

    "It''s ok. I understand. You''ve always struggled with wanting to be everything for everyone and not being able to live up to it," she said.

    "Yeah, but I guess I shouldn''t feel that way. I should be able to accept my limitations," I said.

    "Everyone struggles with something, Dave. Accept you''re human, and move on," she said.

    "Ok, Sarah. I will," I said. We sat in silence. "Since you don''t want to go back, and Earth is incredibly dangerous right now, do you want to stay here?"

    "What, in hell?" she said.

    "Yeah. I''ll make you a house and everything. You can even live on my street if you want. Or you can live really far away if you''d prefer that," I said.

    "Actually, I think I''d like that. Let''s do that," Sarah said. "The living on the same street thing. Just make sure we''re at least a few houses apart. I don''t think I want to be next-door neighbors with you. Especially now that you have a new-born baby living with you," she said.

    "Hey, how did you hear about that?" I asked.

    "TV. Or demon TV. You''re always on the news," she said. "Congratulations, by the way."

    "Thank you. I don''t know how I feel about people constantly keeping tabs on me, but I guess I don''t have a choice," I said.

    "No, you really don''t. They even speculate about your sex life sometimes. They''re weirdly obsessive," she said.

    "Yikes," I said.

    The nurse wheeled a cart full of non-spicy food into the room.

    "Well, I guess your dinner''s here. I''ll let you get to it. I''ll get you a hell phone and some new clothes. Make sure you''re ready for the party," I said.

    "Thanks, but party? For what?" she said.

    "For saving the world, of course," I said.

    Then I teleported away to get her stuff.

    ---

    "Why?" Agent Drew asked in the stark white interrogation room.

    "Do we always have to talk in interrogation rooms? It makes me feel like I''m being interrogated," I said.

    "You are being interrogated," he said, seriously.

    "Why? What did I do?" I asked, throwing my hands up defensively.

    "Nothing, while the entire world''s leadership was assassinated," he said, leaning forward.

    "Hey! I showed up eventually. I stopped a horde of unspeakable horrors and a thermonuclear war," I said.

    "What took you so long?" he asked.

    "Let me list the reasons," I said, counting on my fingers. "I was mortally wounded, I had to check on my newborn and baby momma, and I had to gather forces. I had to prepare for the battle in order to win. What do you think I am? Super Guy? Able to defeat all my enemies with the flick of a finger?"

    Agent was a little taken aback. "You are the closest thing we have to a comparison. You''re basically a real life superhero. Ok, it sounds like you have justifiable reasons for your tardiness, but you really put me in a tight spot." He scratched his face for a moment and then looked up. "You''re a father now? Congratulations!"

    "Thanks," I said. "Don''t judge me about the baby momma situation. Hell doesn''t believe in marriage. Otherwise, I would have put a ring on it a long time ago."

    "I wasn''t judging¡ª" Agent Drew began.

    I pointed at him. "Yes, you were! Don''t lie!" I said.

    "Ok, maybe I was, but it wasn''t malicious," he said.

    "I know, but I don''t like being judged," I said.

    "Duly noted," he said, nodding. "Well, where does that leave us now?"

    "I don''t know. This whole situation is a shit show," I said.

    "You got that right," he said. "Can you believe I''m the assistant director of the FBI now?"

    "What the hell? That makes no sense," I said.

    "Well when half of the higher ups get assassinated and the other half has no idea what''s going on, the people who do know what''s going on tend to get promoted fast," he said, smiling grimly.

    "Right. I didn''t know it was that bad," I said.

    "Let''s just say I could write a book about the last three years and half of the book would be about the last three days. I really could''ve used your help in the trenches, but I won''t begrudge you having your own problems," he said.

    "Thank you. And I get it. Shit went down. I do have good news though. I will be helping clean up the mess," I said.

    "Good. We really need it. Your help I mean," he said.

    "Of course. What are friends for?" I said.

    "We''re friends?" Drew asked.

    "We aren''t? I was under the distinct impression we were," I said.

    "I thought we were allies," he said.

    "Well, in that case, I guess you don''t need an invitation to the after-party," I said, turning my nose up at him.

    "There''s going to be an after-party?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

    "For taking down the ringleader, Samael, yes. It would be a great networking opportunity for someone who is the liason to Hell, but it''s a friends only gathering. So if we''re not friends, I guess you can''t come," I said.

    "We''re friends okay? You happy now? Now can I come?" He said a little more urgently than I expected.

    "Yes. I am happy now," I said smiling. "You can come."

    "Ok, good," Drew sighed in relief.

 Ch 56: Bereavement, Purgatory, and Party Prep (Not Related)

    Before we could party, I still had to inform the families of the soldiers we lost in battle and the circle guards whom Cain killed, and provide them with appropriate compensation.

    It took me several days to get to all the families, and it took a decent chunk of my coffers, but it was not only worth it from an emotional standpoint, it was also the right thing to do.

    Jeremy''s mother took it particularly hard. She cried into my shoulder for an hour. If anyone else had done that, I would assume some form of intimacy was going on, but not here. Not for her. She just really loved her son.

    And she didn''t know if or when she would ever see him again. Death for demons wasn''t a certainty, and therefore, they didn''t always go to an afterlife in the Underworld. Some of them just lived forever. So it was entirely possible Jeremy''s mother would never die and never be able to see her son again in the afterlife.

    It wasn''t just Jeremy''s mother, though. They all took it hard. Demons weren''t supposed to die. Death was rare and when it did happen, it was tragic. It wasn''t necessarily just a temporary separation like it was for humans. The separation might be permanent, and no one ever knew which it would be.

    <hr>

    Having finished making all the necessary calls and texts to set up the party, as well as letting Margaret know I was safe and when I''d be home, I tried to teleport to Heaven again, but yielded nothing. Still unable to reach or contact Heaven, I decided to visit Purgy to see if she''d have better luck and to grab her for the party.

    I teleported directly into her control room and no, that is not a euphemism. Purgy was typing furiously into her control panel and had a ton of different video feeds open. Her hands were a literal blur she was typing so fast.

    It looked like she was running multiple people through various Purgatory related things simultaneously. The video feeds changed rapidly, like blinking lights. The one thing she wasn''t doing any of was talking. Seemed strange since she had talked to Judas and me so much during our time here.

    "Hey, Purgy!" I said louder than I should have when essentially sneaking up on someone.

    "Oh, God! Who¡ª" she turned around, "Dave?" she put her hand against her chest. "You damn near gave me a heart attack! Not that I can get those."

    "My bad," I said. I walked closer to her and looked at the various video feeds. "So, what are you doing?"

    "I''m running Purgatory. What does it look like I''m doing?" she said.

    I looked at the video feeds closer. "Well, I''m not seeing any limbo setups. It mostly looks like moments of people''s lives being played in front of them in three dimensions."

    "That''s what I do in Purgatory, mostly. I run sinners who are destined for Heaven through moments in their life where they need to rethink their decisions and repent for the mistakes they made," she said.

    "Did you think the thing I did with you and Judas was how I ran Purgatory?"

    I looked away sheepishly. "I mean, kind of."

    "Oh. Yeah, that was just me messing with you two. Neither of you were sinners destined for Heaven, so I didn''t do my usual thing. I just gave you impossible pun based tasks hoping that Keir would let me stop before you figured out I was screwing with you," she said, wincing.

    "Ah. I see. That makes a lot of sense. I would be a little disappointed in the Purgatory process if children''s games were how you cleansed souls for Heaven," I said.

    "Yeah, no. I have several hundred thousand people running through past memories right now, about ten million people living their past interactions from others'' perspectives, about a hundred million people struggling to accept responsibility for their actions, and three hundred million people repenting for those actions," she said.

    "I see. That sounds complicated and exhausting," I said.

    "Oh it is, but it''s my job," she giggled.

    "You at least seem like you enjoy it," I said. "So, I guess that''s good."

    "Oh, I do! I get to learn so much about people and their lives!" she said, smiling wide. She turned back to the keyboard and type a couple things into it. "That reminds me, Mrs. Robertson has to learn that her cats didn''t love her as much as she loved them."

    I raised my eyebrow at her.

    "Without going into details, she wasn''t exactly the nicest pet owner," she said, frowning slightly.

    "I see. Well, that sounds problematic, but let''s not get into that right now," I said.

    "Oh, you have no idea! Basically, what I do all day is show people how problematic they were in life, get them to accept that fact, and repent or express sincere regret for their mistakes," she said.

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    "For someone who sees so much bad in people, you sure are cheerful," I said.

    "Well, I don''t just see their mistakes. I see them feel bad about it. Some take longer than others to accept responsibility, but they all do in the end," she said, smiling.

    "Wait. Is Cain in here?" I asked.

    "Yes! That actually leads me to a problem I''m having," she said, furrowing her brow.

    "How so?" I asked.

    "Well, while Cain has much to repent for, he has fully accepted responsibility for his terrible actions, and has fully repented for everything that he did. I should be able to send him up to Heaven, but no dice," she said.

    "He did all that in a day? That seems kind of fast," I said.

    "The purification or cleansing process doesn''t need to take long. It can be as quick as 24 hours, but most people take longer to accept responsibility. Not Cain, though. He''s been an exception," she said.

    "Huh. He didn''t seem to like killing. He just accepted it as a necessary evil to accomplish his goal of dying," I said. "What do you mean by ''no dice'' though?"

    "I can''t send anyone to Heaven. It''s like the gates of Heaven are closed," she said, shrugging.

    "Oh, shit. I was afraid of something like this. I actually came here to ask you if you could contact Heaven for me, but if the gates are closed, I''m guessing you can''t," I said.

    "Nope. With the gates closed, they are completed isolated from outside. No communication, nothing," she said.

    "I have a feeling Judas has something to do with this, but I have no way of helping until they reach out," I said.

    "Yeah, that has me worried," she said. She went back to typing on the keyboard for a little bit. "Henry, you can''t blow kisses at people who don''t consent to it. Especially not the elderly."

    "Wow, ok. Yikes," I said. "Now that the whole heaven situation is figured out, if not resolved, can you spare some time away? Can you turn this thing on auto-pilot?"

    "No, but I can give people breaks and shut it down temporarily. Why?" she said.

    "For one, you clearly need a break, but also, my ''save the world'' party is about to start, and I did really want you to come and meet Nigel," I said.

    "Oh, right! I forgot about that. So you saved the world and everything is all good now?" she said, practically vibrating with eagerness.

    "Not, exactly. I defeated the big bad, but there are a lot of little bads left to deal with. That said, the hardest part is out of the way and a lot of my people in Hell have suffered tremendously because of his actions, so celebrating his death seems appropriate and necessary," I said.

    "Ah, I see. Well, count me in! When do I get to meet this hunk?" Purgy covered her lips. "Oops."

    "Oops, what?" I said.

    "Sorry, Sin is getting a little excited about meeting this Nigel fellow. I think the term is ''thirsty''," she said, still covering her lips.

    "Oh. Well, you just need to keep it under wraps for an hour at most. Let him get to know you, Purgy, first, before letting your freak flag fly, if you know what I mean," I said.

    She put her hand down and nodded measuredly. "I think I do. I''ll do my best. So can we go now?"

    "Yes, we can go," I said, laughing.

    <hr>

    Purgy and I got there before anyone else arrived. I still had to make some preparations before anyone showed up. I decided not to teleport directly inside out of respect.

    There was something social and respectful about walking in through the front door of someone''s place. Just like you didn''t enter through the backdoor, even if it was open, you also didn''t teleport inside unless you were close and there was a mutual understanding that was ok.

    Since Tony and I had more of a professional relationship, I figured this was one of those times to not bypass the front doors. We were still friends to an extent, but this was his place of business and I was engaging him in a business capacity, so professional conduct was most appropriate.

    I looked at the outside of the bar. Nothing much had changed in the last three years besides the sign. It still had large windows that allowed you to see the happy socializing patrons inside and the doors were a solid oak with square windows in the upper halves.

    The sign to the bar no longer read, "Tony''s Super Cool Sports Bar," and now read, "Tony''s Super Cool Totally Not a Supernatural Hangout Bar." It didn''t roll off the tongue as well, and it was even more conspicuous, but it communicated to the right people that this was a safe place for them.

    Supernatural people, obviously. It was still a great place to eat and drink, even if you weren''t supernatural, but the lower levels were reserved for the extraordinary among us.

    Not that humans aren''t extraordinary in their own right. But they had literally every other bar they could go to besides this one. And they weren''t excluded from this one. Just not allowed in the lower levels.

    You might remember the supernatural hangout called The Pit from my first journal. That wasn''t around anymore. I actually had it shut down, because it wasn''t just a supernatural hangout. It was a shady supernatural hangout where bad things went down and crimes were committed.

    Tony''s place was a crime free zone. Other than the mob he ran on the side, of course. I let that aspect of his business slide. I audited it first before giving it the ok, but he never hurt anyone innocent, even if they jeopardized his business.

    He serviced the seedy underbelly of Reno, and the seedy underbelly only. Besides, he generally didn''t need to silence anyone since he had a decent number of cops on his payroll.

    I opened one of the double doors and held it open for Purgy. Casually looking around, I noticed some people passing by on the sidewalk staring at her. I realized it might have been a better decision to teleport inside, given her peculiar appearance.

    She practically screamed "supernatural" or at the very least, someone going to a costume party. One half of her body, including her clothes and hair, was stark white, and the other half was jet black. I wasn''t the most normal looking person either with my horns, wings, and tail.

    Upon entering, all the people in the bar, including Tony, turned their heads and stared at us. Not in a threatening way. More out of curiosity than anything. Once they all recognized me past the new body parts, they looked away out of respect. I carried a certain gravitas here.

    We walked up to the bar where Tony was patiently waiting. "Dave. I hardly recognized you at first. You look like a new man."

    "I feel like one," I said, straightening my jacket and tie.

    "Now who might this be?" he asked, looking at Purgy.

    "Purgy. She single-handedly runs Purgatory," I said.

    "It''s a pleasure to meet you Purgy," Tony said, extending his hand.

    Purgy shook it and said, "It''s a pleasure to meet you as well¡­"

    "Tony. My name is Tony," he said, catching himself.

    "Tony," she said.

    Tony turned to me and said, "So, shall we get started?"

 Ch 57: The Party Begins

    Fredericka and Gilbert arrived early to the party, since they had nothing better to do. I mean, they were so eager to attend the party that they showed up before the scheduled time just to watch everything come together. Yeah, let''s go with that.

    Which was honestly a good thing because Gilbert proved incredibly useful to the preparations. I was going over the menu with Chef Demi, Tony was taking copious notes on the various menu items and recipes, and Purgy was playing chess with herself.

    Well, not with herself. Sin and Virtue had split and were playing chess against each other. Apparently, they didn''t only split during moments of strong emotion. They could also do it on command.

    I made her promise to merge again for her meeting with Nigel. While I did warn him about her nature, I felt like easing him into it would yield far better results than having two different women immediately trying to date him simultaneously.

    Gilbert tapped me on the shoulder and said, "You are making a dreadful amount of food for a building that can only hold about a hundred people. How many people did you invite?"

    He had a point. The main floor of the bar was rather small. "Well, I was thinking people could use the lower floors too."

    "Do you not think it would be better if everyone was in the same room? Then everyone can mingle and socialize with everyone else. If you separate the party among multiple floors, a large portion of the people won''t be able to talk to the other people on the separate floors," Gilbert said.

    "They can switch between floors, but I do see your point. It would be a lot easier if people didn''t have to do that," I said. "We can''t do that, though. Can we? What exactly are you suggesting?"

    "I could simply make the room larger," he said.

    "Tony''s neighbors are close enough as it is. I don''t know how much more room he has to expand the building," I said.

    "I am not suggesting expanding the building. Just the room," he said, steepling his fingers.

    I looked at him for a moment, thinking about what he said. Then it dawned on me. "Oh! You mean magically! Bigger on the inside like Little Big Town?"

    "Exactly," he said, smiling.

    "You can do that?" I asked, a little impressed.

    "Who do you think made Little Big Town work the way it does?" he said, looking deep into my eyes.

    "You? Wow! You''re a lot more versed in magic than I thought," I said, raising my eyebrows.

    "I will take that as a compliment," he said, bowing slightly.

    "Good. It was intended as one," I said, bowing back.

    "Alright," Gilbert said, cracking his knuckles. "Let me get started. How many people does it need to hold?"

    "Like three hundred something people. I invited a ton of people from people who fought in the battle to office workers, but only a small amount of them are actually coming," I said.

    "Increase the capacity to five hundred people. Understood," Gilbert said.

    "That''s not exactly what I said, but ok," I said.

    "A larger quantity of people will arrive than you anticipate. It always happens with celebrations like this. People bring their friends and people who said no change their minds," he said, drawing a circle on the ground in black chalk.

    "That''s a fair point. Why don''t you make it six hundred then?" I said.

    "Indeed," he said, drawing various symbols.

    Once he had surrounded the original circle with symbols, he drew a larger circle around it and drew more symbols around that one, and so on and so forth. Once he was done, most of the available ground space was taken up by chalk markings.

    Tony finally looked up from taking notes and talking to Chef Demi and noticed all the chalk markings on the floor. "Ok, I''m not going to freak out, because I''m sure this has a perfectly good explanation, but what are you doing to my floor?"

    "He''s expanding the size of the room using magic," I said.

    "Oh, is that all?" he said sarcastically. "You didn''t think to okay this with me first?"

    "I figured more space in your bar was more better for you and your business," I said.

    "It is, but at least ask a guy first before performing magic in his bar," he said, crossing his arms.

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    "I''m sorry, Tony. Is it ok if we expand your bar to hold six hundred people?" I said.

    "Fine with me," he said.

    "Thank you," I said. "Ok Gilbert, you can go ahead."

    "I heard the man," Gilbert said. He pressed his hand against the ground among the symbols.

    A blinding flash of black light¡ªI still didn''t understand how that was possible¡ªshot out of the circles. When the light subsided, the room was over six times its original size. The walls and floor had expanded outwards. Even the bar was longer now.

    Tony was scratching his chin. "Hmm. If you can do all that, do you think you could expand my kitchen? And the bathrooms? And the broom closet, I mean, my office?"

    Gilbert looked uncomfortable for a brief moment, and then it was gone. "I suppose I could. Why don''t you guide me to these locations?"

    "Sure! Follow me!" Tony said, walking into the kitchen.

    Gilbert went behind the bar and followed Tony into the cramped kitchen space.

    I went to Office Despot and got a bunch of tables and chairs to create a dining space on one end of the bar. Then I went to Billiards and More, and got some pool tables and foosball tables and put them on the other end of the bar.

    They did, in fact, have more, but I didn''t see how I could justify putting a dunk tank in a bar. I did, however, get the karaoke machine setup. Asking how I transported all this stuff in a matter of an hour is a good question, but the obvious answer is teleportation.

    After setting everything up and redecorating the bar, I went over the menu with Chef Demi to tell him what he could and couldn''t make spicy. Chicken wings, yes. Thai food, yes. Cupcakes, no.

    I also discussed the differences between demon and human palates, and explained that umami, sweet, and savory were the best ways to go to satisfy human diners, rather than spicy, spicier, and spiciest for demon ones. Chef Demi and I came to a compromise and created a demon menu and an "everyone else" menu.

    Once we had finished hashing that out and Gilbert had finished making Tony''s broom closet office large enough to properly contain a human being, I figured we were nearly ready to start the party.

    Chef Demi went into the kitchen to begin preparing the food and Tony started making a huge batch of Devil''s Donut shots¡ªsomething taught to him by the archangel Raphael¡ªto start the party off with a toast. Now, we just had to wait for people to show up.

    And don''t worry, Tony wasn''t making the shots for free out of the goodness of his heart. I put a $10,000 deposit down on the party to have it be an open bar, and I anticipated having to pay a little extra at the end with the way some of my employees drank and the sheer volume of people coming.

    As the first few people trickled in, I greeted them at the door, but pretty quickly I couldn''t do that because a flood of people began streaming through the front doors.

    Fredericka came up to me and said, "Who are all these people? I''m scared. Will they pet me and feed me carrots? I''m freaking out. I think I need to drink the juice out of that one plant that makes me feel calm."

    "That''s a lot of things to respond to," I said, rubbing my temples. "They are all people I know from my work and personal life. You''ll be alright. If you want, you can stay by me if that''ll make you feel better."

    "I doubt any of them has carrots on them, but if someone wants to pet you and feed you, I will give them carrots. And while I don''t condone drinking to make yourself feel better, I won''t admonish it. Especially not to a barely tamed unicorn who is speaking to me through magic."

    I started petting and stroking her mane, realizing she probably needed it to calm down.

    "That''s nice. Thank you, master," she said.

    "You can just call me Dave," I said.

    "Thank you, master Dave," she said.

    "I uh, I''ll accept that," I said, giving up. I stopped stroking her mane. "Hold on one second. I want to check something."

    "Yes yes, master Dave," she said. "I will wait right here. Here is where I will wait."

    "Uh, thanks," I said, walking over to the bar. I grabbed a bottle of rum from behind the bar.

    "Hey! You can''t do that! This is my bar!" Tony barked.

    "I''m sorry! It''s important! I think," I said.

    "Come back here, Dave! I''m not done talking!" Tony said.

    "Bye!" I said, disappearing back into the crowd.

    When I got back to Fredericka, I removed the cap and held it up to her nose. "Does that plant smell anything like this?"

    "Oh, yes! How did you get so much of its juice into a container? I usually have to chew on the leaves," she said. She licked the bottle with her huge horse tongue. "The hole is too small! No fair!"

    "Hold on, I''ll get you a glass," I said, running back to the bar.

    "I will wait for your return in the place I am currently standing," Fredericka said.

    I grabbed a lowball glass from behind the bar and got yelled at by Tony again, but his words were indecipherable. It just sounded like a bunch of vowels stringed together. Not to take responsibility or punishment for my actions, I disappeared into the crowd again.

    When I got back to Fredericka, I poured some rum into the glass and held it up so she could lick the liquid out. She licked enthusiastically. "Thank you, master Dave! This is going to help me a lot with my anxiety!"

    I didn''t know how much to give her and since alcohol usually takes at least a minute or two to really hit you, I just kept pouring rum and feeding it to her. I mean, she was at least five times my weight. The average horse weighs somewhere around 950 lbs, but she was the equivalent of an alpha dire unicorn. She was significantly larger than not only your average horse, but also your average dire unicorn.

    I ended up giving her the entire bottle of rum, but don''t worry, it wasn''t one of the big bottles, which were known as "handles," because they often were manufactured with handles. It was a skinny bottle, known as a "fifth," because they contain a fifth of a gallon of liquid.

    After a few minutes of stroking her mane, Fredericka said, "I feel gooder than I''ve ever felt before. I''ve never had so much plant juice before. I think I''m gonna take a nap."

    She lowered herself to the floor and fell asleep almost instantly. I could tell because her breathing was translated into snoring noises by my domination jewel.

    "Ok, I''ll let you sleep. Normally, I''d be worried you''d get trampled by all the people, but you''re taller than everyone even while sitting down, so that shouldn''t be a problem," I said.

    I walked back to the bar to apologize to Tony, but he was taking shots with Lilith. At first I was worried she was trying to pull her wiles on him, but I thought about it for longer than a second and said to myself, "There''s no way that would ever happen. Tony is way too professional for that."

    And yes, I still think Tony is too professional for that despite seeing him drinking with a customer. You can drink with a customer and still be professional. I don''t care what the National Restaurant Association guidelines say.

 Chapter 58: The Party Middles

    Agent Drew¡ªor should I say Assistant Director Drew?¡ªcame in through the front doors and looked around, casing the scene before entering the crowd. At least that''s what he was making it look like he was doing. He could''ve just been frozen and shy. I decided it was the latter, so I came up to him.

    "Hey there, Officer Drew. Whatcha doing just standing here by the door? Mingle, you Pringle!" I said.

    "Ok, now I know it''s on purpose. Call me by my real title. Not ''Officer Drew''. I''m not that guy anymore," he said, narrowing his eyes at me.

    "Fine, fine, ''Assistant Director'' Drew," I said, using air quotes.

    "Why did you use air quotes? That makes it seem like I''m not actually the Assistant Director," he said.

    "I don''t know. Why am I using air quotes, ''Drew''? If that is your real name," I said, still using air quotes.

    "Stop that!" he shouted.

    "Why don''t you ''make me''," I said, once again using air quotes like an asshole.

    Drew grabbed me by the throat and started choking me. He wasn''t nearly strong enough to actually choke me, but I made a goofy fake ''being choked'' face, anyway. Tony stepped out from behind the bar and walked over to us.

    "Hey! No kinky shit in my bar! That''s what the bathrooms are for," he said, wagging his finger.

    "You heard the man. If you want to choke me, you''ll have to do it in the bathroom," I said, winking at him.

    "Ew!" Drew said, taking his hands off me.

    "Oh, lighten up, you prude," I said, flattening out my collar.

    "Fine. But you better introduce me to a few people before you leave me to flounder on my own," he said.

    I locked one of my arms with his and said, "Come with me. I have some people I want you to meet."

    "I''ll get you back for this, even if it kills me," Drew said.

    "You''ll never succeed," I said. "In order to get me back, I''d actually have to care what you do to me. I''ve been dipped in lava. I rarely care what happens to me anymore."

    I introduced Drew to several of my demonic employees and associates. He was a little tense at first, which was understandable. Humans are taught to believe that demons are dangerous and evil. Of course, he''d be nervous.

    As I introduced him to more and more people, I felt his anxiety lessen, until he met Nigel and completely lost all nervousness and started to enjoy himself.

    I wasn''t surprised Nigel was the one to knock the last chip off his shoulder. Nigel was the chillest demon I''d ever met. He''s really into coexisting and comingling. He finds humans fascinating, and Assistant Director Drew was no exception.

    When Drew and Nigel were really hitting it off, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around to see Gilbert looking at me with his head hanging low. "Would it be agreeable with you if we conversed?"

    "Yes, that would be most agreeable with me," I said. I leaned into Drew and said, "I''m going to leave you alone now. You''ve met dozens of people here. Do you think you''ll be alright?"

    Drew was so relaxed at this point, he actually chuckled at that. "Yes, Dave, I''ll be fine. You go do Devil stuff. I''m sure you have more important things to do than babysit me."

    "That''s what I like to hear, Assistant Director Drew," I said, turning away and walking a few feet away to talk with Gilbert. "What''s up?"

    "I''ve been thinking about the argument we had last week," he said, looking down and away.

    "You mean your lecture?" I asked.

    "Yeah, that," he said. "I wanted to apologize. I understand that you have a lot of responsibilities and I considered what would happen to Hell if all the humans actually did die, and none of the possibilities seemed desirable. So I suppose what I am saying is you were right. I''m sorry."

    I put my hand on his lean, muscular shoulder. "Gilbert. It''s alright. I forgive you. It''s not a big deal. I''m just thankful you feel comfortable enough with me to express your true feelings and opinions."

    Gilbert raised his eyebrows. "Wow. You are far more understanding than I assumed you would be."

    "Hey, don''t get me wrong. I will be docking your pay for your transgression, but I accept that you had valid points and will continue to take your opinions into consideration when making executive decisions," I said.

    "What do you mean? You don''t pay me," he said.

    "Exactly," I said, smiling.

    "I see," he said, his shoulders drooping.

    "I''m just kidding. Cheer up, Gilbert. I''ll talk to my assistant director and have you put on the payroll by Monday," I said, smiling wider.

    If you encounter this narrative on Amazon, note that it''s taken without the author''s consent. Report it.

    "Oh, good. That''s a relief. I didn''t know how I was going to afford sustenance. I was considering going back to Shadow Canyon and wasting away again like you found me," he said, picking at a piece of gold in his forehead.

    Huh. I didn''t realize that the gold was actual gold embedded in his skin. I thought they were just skin discolorations. "Yeah, no, don''t go back there. But I have to ask, what''s with the gold in your skin? And why are you black? Not that I have anything against it. I''ve just never seen a black demon before."

    "Oh, that?" he said. "Well, a not very well known fact about demons is that we do age. Just not like humans do. The process is also incredibly slow. Our skin changes color the older we get. We start orange and become red as we mature, but then after centuries or millennia, we change colors."

    "Some go purple, some go blue, some even go green or yellow, but after the initial color change, we all eventually go black. Our bodies change colors rather than breakdown."

    "Interesting. But that doesn''t explain the gold. What''s that about?" I said.

    "Oh, the gold was simply an alchemy experiment that blew up in my face. Literally." he said, laughing nervously.

    "That doesn''t quite make sense. Why did the gold come back when you regenerated?"

    "It didn''t just turn some of my skin to gold. It altered my DNA. So now I always regenerate with it. I suppose I could fix it, but I don''t want to risk something else going wrong and making it worse."

    "Oh. Well, that''s a sobering thought about magic. Things can go wrong," I said.

    "You have no concept for it. Things can go far more wrong than you can possibly imagine. That''s why you don''t see that many demon mages. They often end up removing their existence from reality," he said, smiling and laughing genuinely. It was a little creepy after what he said.

    "That''s terrifying. Remind me to never learn magic," I said.

    "Oh I will," Gilbert said.

    After that, Gilbert and I ended up getting a drink together. A virgin Pina Colada for me and scotch whiskey for him. That was my idea. Scotch whiskey had always been my favorite drink when I was still drinking.

    <hr>

    Later on, I bumped into Lilith, but I had the distinct impression she sought me out.

    "Where''s Keir?" Lilith said. Oh, she definitely sought me out.

    "I think he''s stuck in Heaven right now. A bunch of shit is going down up there and he literally can''t get away," I said. "Why?"

    Lilith looked down at her feet and poked her fingers together. "I was really looking forward to ''reuniting'' with him. He never called after last time, and I wanted to see if I could clarify our relationship."

    I put my hand on her shoulder. "I understand. I''m sure he''s not ignoring or avoiding you. He probably just didn''t know you wanted something more. For a guy who''s half-demon, he''s not much of a player. He''s just shy. He puts up this ''all business'' front, because he''s afraid of being vulnerable."

    "Really? Do you think I actually have a chance of tying him down?" she said, with a hopeful look in her eyes.

    "I don''t know if you mean that figuratively or literally, but I''m going to assume figurative," I said. "Figuratively, I think you could tie him down easily. You are way out of his league and he knows it. I think you could tie him down literally, too. He seems like the kind of guy who''d be into that."

    "Ok, thanks, Dave," she said, with a vulnerable smile.

    It was weird seeing the powerful demon queen show a softer side, but I appreciated it. It showed me she wasn''t just the ruthless slave driver she was at work. She was a real person with real feelings and worries and insecurities.

    <hr>

    As I was wandering around, I bumped into someone I did not expect to see there. Just like with Lilith, I had a feeling this wasn''t by accident. She was wearing a little black cocktail dress that accentuated her body in ways that I was not prepared for.

    "Did you really think you were going to throw this party without me?" Margaret asked.

    "I didn''t want to, but I expected you wouldn''t be available because you''d be watching Eli," I said.

    "Do you really think it''s fair to expect the woman in the relationship to stay home while the man gets to go out and have fun?" she said.

    I thought about it and realized she was right. That was a little sexist of me. "I''m sorry. That was selfish of me. It would''ve been better to consider whether we should both go or both stay."

    "You''re damn right!" she said, looking deep into my eyes and burning my soul. Then she blinked, and the stare was replaced with a gentle smile.

    "But I forgive you. You can be pretty dumb sometimes, but you never do anything with malice. You''re kind and you try, which are two things that get you out of a lot of trouble, especially with me."

    I breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank you, Margaret. I''ll do better next time. I''m not going to ask about Eli because I''m sure you figured something out and to ask would be like falling into a trap."

    She leaned in and booped my nose. She had to reach up to do it. She was a head shorter than me, which was a feature I found very endearing.

    "You are correct, Mister," she said. "Eli is fine. One of my girls is watching him. Accelerated aging aside, he will be fine for one night. That reminds me, though."

    "You need to spend time with him now that the crisis has been averted. You''ll regret missing his childhood and you won''t be able to go back and do it over. It''s one and done."

    "Understood. There is still a lot of crisis left to avert, but I''ll see if I can arrange maternity leave. It''s only a couple months, right? What could go wrong?" I said, knowing I was tempting fate by saying that, but I didn''t care. Everything always went wrong at my job, whether I jinxed it or not.

    "Good," Margaret said, smiling a cute little smile. "Now, let''s party." She grabbed me by the jacket. "Where''s the bar? This place is a zoo."

    I grabbed her by the dress. "I''ll lead you. You only grab someone''s clothes if you''re the one in front." She looked down at my hand on her dress and so did I. "Yeah, that didn''t have the effect I was going for. Now, I just feel silly."

    "Don''t worry about it. You look silly often enough that I don''t care when it happens. I actually find it endearing," she said. "That said, I really need a drink, so please lead on."

    I let go of her dress and grabbed her hand instead. I led her to the bar, where Tony was waiting for me.

    "Well, well, well. The wise guy came crawling back to old Tony. Well, you know what? I ain''t helping you with nothing! With all the disrespect you''ve paid to my bar, you''re lucky I don''t throw you out!" Tony said, arms crossed.

    "Hey, Tony. I''m sorry, ok? I really had to get a unicorn drunk? You know what I''m saying?" I was gesturing really hard with my hands.

    "I have no idea what you''re saying kid, but I forgive you. Just stop pretending to be Italian," he said.

    "Fine. This is my girlfriend, Margaret. She just had a baby, my baby, and she could really use a drink. Are you going to deny her?" I asked.

    "No, I won''t," Tony said, suddenly making a drink.

    It turned out to be an appletini. Margaret tasted it and said, "Hell yeah! Give me five more!"

    She gulped it down and gently placed the glass back on the bar.

    "Hmm. I didn''t think I could fall in love with someone who isn''t human, but she''s testing me," he said, making the drinks.

    "Yeah, you and every other guy who meets her. Get in line."

    "I hate lines," Tony said.

    He finished the drinks, and Margaret downed them all. She didn''t slam them. She just drank them quickly, and that was the moment I knew this was going to be a wild night.

 Ch 59: The Party Three-Quarters

    I watched Margaret drink for a bit and she started talking to me about Eli and his development. She told all his little mannerisms and behaviors, and the words he said the most. She also told me a story about him learning to fly, which is apparently a thing for demon babies with wings, like imps and fiends.

    He flew into the ceiling fan the first time and it was not great. It cut his head and she had to take him to a doctor. He ended up getting stitches, but it was under his hairline, so it wouldn''t affect him socially, thankfully.

    She explained that she did some research into how he ended up with wings. Apparently, succubi and incubi are an evolutionary branch off from sex fiends, which are apparently a thing. And all fiends, even sex fiends, have wings.

    So, apparently, given that he''s only half demon, it unlocked something in his DNA to have wings. I wondered if there would be any other surprises. I wondered if he''d get the sex charm powers of an incubi.

    That would be a hassle to parent. Imagine having to distinguish the morality of feeding on energy through sex, and then having to explain it to your child. Succubi and incubi had to feed, or they would grow weak. Before I came along, Margaret refused to feed.

    She was very weak by demon standards. Demons were often stronger than humans, but without feeding she had half the strength of a normal human. It didn''t affect the shape of her body or muscles. Just her ability to use her muscles to their full potential.

    Basically, she was low on energy all the time. Think about how much harder it is to do any physical when you''re tired, and that''s what she experienced all the time.

    When I came along and eventually after many many dates, we made love, she felt amazing. She wasn''t constantly fatigued anymore and she didn''t need other people''s help to complete physical tasks.

    If I had to navigate the ethics of that and explain it to our child, I might lose my mind. This would be the birds and the bees on steroids. I eventually pulled my mind back to the party and Margaret.

    Having spoken of Margaret''s sex charm abilities, she had to bat a ton of guys away from her that were being passively charmed by her. It was something she could turn on and off, but when she was "excited," the power exuded from her in a radius.

    Apparently I was looking particularly good that day or something. Or it was the booze. Actually, on second thought, it was probably the booze. It was so bad, I had to mean mug and pull the Devil card on a few guys who wouldn''t take no for an answer.

    As Margaret was animatedly chatting what she had done that day, I heard a familiar voice say, "Get me a drink, and make it strong."

    I turned to my right and there was Sarah, wearing the clothes I had given her. Oh shit. I forgot to get Sarah for the party. That was probably for the best. Margaret wouldn''t have taken it well, if I took my ex to the party and not her.

    I had set her up in a hotel while I was waiting to get clearance on building a new house on the block I lived on. There were the beds in the basement of the control room building, but I figured I''d be nice and let her stay in a hotel.

    Gilbert could sleep in the basement, but I felt I needed to treat Sarah nicer since her mother had been murdered and she had been stripped naked by a guy who was planning to murder her.

    "Hey, Sarah!" I said. I could''ve said more, but I didn''t want to get in trouble.

    "Hey, Dave," Sarah said in a doldrum voice. She turned to look at me. She looked tired and disgruntled.

    "I have a follow up question, but first I need to introduce you to my girlfriend Margaret," I said, gesturing to Margaret. "Margaret, officially meet Sarah."

    "Hello, Sarah," Margaret said, pulling her into a hug.

    "This is happening," Sarah said, hugging Margaret back.

    When they broke the hug, they both said, "It''s nice to meet you."

    They realized they said the same thing, and both said, "Sorry, I''ll stop."

    "No, I''ll stop."

    "No, I''ll stop!"

    "Would you both please stop?" I said, putting my hand over my face.

    They went quiet and stared at me.

    "What?"

    "You didn''t pick me up for the party. I had to take a bus here," Sarah said.

    "You were going to take her to the party and not me?" Margaret asked. "And you made her take a bus?"

    "Wait, which thing are you mad about? You can''t be both," I said.

    "Oh yes I can!" she said.

    "Ok. I''m sorry for being forgetful and a sexist dumbass," I said.

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    "That''s better," Margaret said. She ruffled my hair and leaned in to whisper in my ear. "I am going to destroy you later."

    "You''re sending mixed messages," I said. Margaret frowned at me. "And I''m here for it!"

    "Good," she said to me. She turned to Sarah. "So I have to apologize for Dave being late to rescue you. I was in a life threatening pregnancy situation and I made him take me to the hospital."

    Sarah smiled a sad smile. "I understand. I''m not mad at you, or him even. I''m just mad at Cain now. I wish I could kill him all over again."

    "If it makes you feel better, he''s in Purgatory and he''s not getting out anytime soon," I said.

    "That does actually help. Thanks, Dave," Sarah said.

    "So you were ordering a strong drink?" I said. I turned to Tony, who was just standing there staring at the three of us silently.

    "Oh, right. I''ll get that drink!" Tony said. He grabbed some bottles and started making something. When he finished, he said, "Long Island Iced Tea. Here you go."

    "Oh, thanks! I haven''t had one of these in ages!" Sarah said. She took a sip and made a face. "Exactly how I remember it. Very good."

    I put my arms around Margaret and Sarah. I like to live dangerously. "Now that all of us except me has a drink either inside them or in their hand, let''s go explore the party."

    Margaret whispered in my ear again. "You''re mine. Remember that."

    A chill ran down my spine and into a place I''m not going to explicitly describe.

    "Your jealousy is actually kind of attractive," I said.

    "Really?" She was taken aback.

    "Yes. I still love chill calm Margaret, but this is fairly new and exciting," I said.

    "Ok," she said, hugging my arm. "Let''s go see what we can see."

    "Yes, let''s," Sarah said.

    We entered the mass of people and walked around. It was fascinating watching people drink and interact with each other while I was sober. Some people taking shots, some people were playing drinking games, and others were sleeping on the floor.

    It was then that I remembered my responsibility. I had to find Purgy and Nigel. Surprisingly, I spotted them standing near each other. Well, Nigel was talking with people and Purgy was split and still playing chess with herself.

    "Watch this," I said to Margaret and Sarah. I went up to Purgy as represented by two people. "Get back together, you two. I need to introduce you to Nigel."

    "He''s here?" they both said.

    "Yes, now do whatever you do," I said, waving my hands at them.

    Sin and Virtue got up from the table and walked into each other, melding into one person, Purgy. I grabbed Purgy by the arm and pulled her with me up to Nigel.

    "Nigel!" I yelled.

    He was talking with people. He jumped and looked at me.

    "What did you have to yell for?" he asked.

    "No reason," I said. "This is the friend I wanted you to meet. Her name is Purgy, and she runs Purgatory." I gestured to Purgy.

    "Purgy, this is Nigel." I gestured to Nigel. "Now, kiss."

    "Not yet! I don''t even know her," Nigel said.

    "Should we do that?" Purgy asked.

    "See, now you have something to talk about. How weird I am," I said.

    I went back to Margaret and Sarah.

    "Let''s let that marinate for a bit," I said. "I''m sure there''s more to see."

    We wandered around the party more until we heard the doors slam open. I looked that way and saw a bachelorette party entering the bar. Tony had put a sign on the door saying, "Private Party," but they either didn''t see it or didn''t care or both.

    They did the standard going to the bar and loudly telling the bartender that it was a bachelorette party, despite the large sash on the presumed bachelorette that said "Bachelorette" in fancy lettering.

    I saw and heard Tony say, "I''m sorry ladies, but this is¡ª"

    "Tony! Let them stay! It''ll be fun! I promise!" I yelled.

    Tony heard what I said and stopped. "You''re paying for the damages!"

    "Fine with me!" I responded.

    Unfortunately for me, I had made myself a target. The most observant and mischievous one of the group who was mildly buzzed and only pretending to be drunk, who is almost always the maid of honor for some reason, spotted me before I could duck down and hide.

    "Hey you! Blonde guy wearing the horns! Come over here!" She patted a bar stool next to her, indicating she wanted me to sit down next to her like some trained dog or something.

    I looked at Margaret who said, "Go. I trust you won''t let things go too far."

    "What''s with the sudden change of heart? Do you have ulterior motives?" I asked.

    "I just really want to see what happens," she said.

    "Me too," Sarah said.

    "So you have ulterior motives," I said.

    "Just go already!" Margaret shoved me in the direction of the bachelorette party.

    I stumbled, but eventually walked over to the group of women ordering drinks and having a good time. I saw a lot of cosmopolitans and sex on the beaches. The maid of honor, whose arms were crossed, stared at me. Not to be crass, but what had her panties in a bunch?

    "What''s with the devil costume?" she asked. "Those horns and wings look awfully real. And what''s with the swishing tail? Do you have some kind of thing in your pants that does that?"

    "That''s because they are real," I said.

    I touched my horns self consciously.

    "I knew it!" she said. "You''re an animal abuser! You know, it''s not ok to kill animals so you can have a cool costume. Just because you bought it online from someone else who did the killing, doesn''t mean you aren''t responsible."

    She poked me in the chest. I noticed she poked my pec rather than my bony solar plexus. She was copping a feel. Barely, but still.

    Ah, I see. So that''s what she was mad about. She thought I made my "costume" out of animal parts.

    "Lady, no animals suffered in the making of my appendages!" I said. "When I say they''re real, I mean they''re really my body parts that I grew myself out of my body!"

    I looked around for a moment and realized the entire bachelorette party had gone silent and were sipping their drinks while watching this scene unfold. I had no idea what they were expecting to see, but it wasn''t going to happen!

    "That''s ridiculous!" she said. "Do you really expect me to believe that?"

    She crossed her arms harder somehow.

    "No!" I said. "But it''s true! Pull on my horns!"

    "Is that a euphemism?" she asked.

    "No!" I said. "Literally pull on my horns."

    I leaned forward so she could grab them. She yanked on them and yanked on them, but they wouldn''t budge.

    "Whoa, they''re really on there!" she said. "That super glue is going to pull your hair off later."

    "Oh, my god!" I said. "They are real! R-E-A-L! Real!"

    "If those are real, then is this real too?" she said.

    She grabbed my swishing tail and pulled. Whoa! That felt weird. It didn''t hurt, but it sent tingles through my entire body.

    "Ah!" I said. "Don''t do that!"

    "Why not?" she asked.

    "Because you''re pulling on my spine!" I said. "It feels weird."

    My whole body shivered.

    "Are you getting turned on right now?" she asked.

    "No! Absolutely not! And don''t check!" I said.

    She checked. If you don''t know what I mean, I''m sorry. I won''t explain it.

    "Oh, I guess not," she said. "Why are you shivering, then?"

    "Because you''re pulling on my spine!" I said.

    I grabbed my tail and tried to yank it out of her hands. It didn''t come out at first and then she suddenly let go, making me fall backwards onto my back. I heard two distinct giggles. Margaret and Sarah. They were enjoying this!

    "Are you ok, boss?" A voice said.

    I looked up. It was Steve. Exactly who I needed to prove my point. My savior!

 Ch 60: The Party Seven-Eighths

    I tried to do that thing where you kick yourself back onto your feet without using your hands, but I couldn''t do it. Apparently, having super powers didn''t necessarily make you more coordinated. Steve grabbed my hand and pulled me up. I looked at the maid of honor.

    "Here!" I said. "I have proof that everything you see around you is real. The demons, the unicorn, and the male stripper in the corner. His name is Tyler. He''s actually really nice. He just doesn''t like wearing shirts. Or pants."

    "I doubt it," the maid of honor said. I really wished I knew what her name was. It felt weird just calling her the "maid of honor."

    I leaned into Steve to whisper, "Are you four or are you one right now? I get the four vibe, but I want to make sure before I do this."

    "Four, sir," he said.

    "Good," I said.

    I turned back to the maid of honor and bachelorette party.

    "You are about to witness something extraordinary that will firmly cement the fact that everything you see around you is real," I said. "It will probably scare your pants off, even though none of you are wearing pants. Are you ready?"

    They all put their hands up like they were in class, including the maid of honor reluctantly. She saw she was outnumbered.

    "Ok, Steve here is going to turn into four identical versions of himself and then he''s going to levitate off the ground, turn into swords and back," I said.

    "Yes, sir," Steve said.

    He started levitating first, which was fine. It made all the bridesmaids and the bachelorette shriek in glee and awe, except the maid of honor. She wasn''t impressed.

    After levitating, Steve split into four identical versions of himself all the way down to the white suits, black shirts, and white ties. He let that sink in, and then turned into swords that fell to the ground, and then they transformed back into humans.

    "What the hell?" The maid of honor''s eyes widened and then crossed. She fainted and fell to the ground. I caught her right before she landed and gently set her down.

    The bridesmaids and the bachelorette excitedly went up to the Steves and started respectfully touching them¡ªabove the belt, of course¡ªand saying things like, "How did you do that?" "Are you magicians?" "Are you quadruplets?" "What are your names and which one is Steve?" "Is she going to be ok?" and "I''d love a private show magic show if you don''t mind."

    "Ladies, that''s too many questions¡ª" I began.

    "We are four identical beings that can combine into one." Steve 3 said.

    "We are not magicians," Steve 2 said.

    "We are not quadruplets as we were birthed by separate mothers, but with the same father," Steve 4 said.

    "Steve," Steve 1 said. "We are all named Steve. We chose this name for ourselves because we felt it best represented who we were at the moment of birth."

    "She will be fine." Steve 4 said. "She has simply rendered herself unconscious to protect her mind and ego from having to accept that everything she has seen is, in fact, really happening."

    "Do you want us all to give you a private show or just Steve 3?" Steve 2 asked. "Either way, we would be happy to give you all private shows, but as we are not magicians, the show would need to have a different theme."

    "Oh, I''m sure I can think of something," the tall, fit and slightly muscular brunette bridesmaid said.

    She tried to wink at Steve 3 but they had slightly moved around so she didn''t know who to wink at anymore. She ended up winking in the general direction of all the Steves.

    "Do you have a twitch in your eye?" Steve 1 asked. "Dehydration can lead to muscle spasms. You should drink some water."

    "Uh, I''ll take that into consideration," she said.

    The bachelorette, who initially seemed shy, took over. "Why don''t all of you give my friends shows in the same room and I can just watch? Is there a private room in this place?"

    I had two major concerns from this. Since it was easier, I figured I would handle the logistical issue first.

    "Gilbert! I need you!" I yelled.

    "Coming!" he said from across the room.

    He arrived next to me. I leaned in to whisper to him.

    "I need you to make this bar have a private room with comfortable furniture and mood lighting," I said. "And preferably a hidden one-way mirror so I can make sure Steve is safe and not being forced to do anything he doesn''t want to."

    Gilbert looked around at the women and the way they were hungrily looking at the Steves, realizing what was going on.

    "Don''t you think that would violate the women''s privacy?" he whispered.

    "Yeah, but Steve''s safety is my number one priority," I whispered. "How else am I going to make sure he''s okay?"

    "Two options," Gilbert whispered. "I can give you a magic rock that will allow you to hear inside the room. Or I can give you a magic rock that gets hot when someone''s consent is being violated."

    "The second one for sure," I whispered. "I don''t want to violate anyone''s consent while making sure no one''s consent is being violated if I don''t have to."

    Gilbert fished into one of the pockets in his purple robes. He pulled out a smooth black rock and handed it to me.

    "Hold on to that," he said. "I shall connect it magically to the room after I construct it."

    He went to the far edge of the room and began drawing circles and symbols on the wall with his magic chalk. Once he was done, he pressed his hand against the wall. Black light shot out and dissipated, and in its place was a door.

    He walked back to me and grabbed the rock from my hand. He drew a symbol on it and it glowed briefly. Then he handed it back to me.

    "The work is complete," he said. "Now, if you don''t mind, I will continue to get ''drunk off my ass'', as the youth say."

    I refrained from telling him he was about two decades behind on the lingo. I didn''t want to yuck his yum.

    "Thank you, my good man," I said.

    I clapped my hand on his shoulder and squeezed it.

    "You are welcome, administrator," he said, nodding.

    He walked off, back into the crowd, and disappeared. I wondered why he called me administrator in that moment. He had been doing so well about calling me Dave.

    Wait. Was it because I told him to do something rather than I asked if he could do it? Was he commenting on the fact that I had just ordered him around like he was my underling? Huh. This being in charge thing was getting to my head. I needed to watch that, I thought.

    Did you know this text is from a different site? Read the official version to support the creator.

    I turned back to the bachelorette.

    "There you go," I said. "A private room."

    "How did that door appear?" she asked.

    "That man is a magician of sorts, you could say," I said.

    "Oh! Cool!" she said.

    I put my finger up. "Give me a moment with the Steves," I said.

    Without waiting for a response, I went over to the Steves, and gathered them in a huddle.

    "So two things. First thing, I think you want to drink some to make things even. No one likes a substantially unbalanced encounter. Second, these women want to have sex with you all. Is that something you''re ok with?"

    "I suppose," Steve 1 said. "How are we going to find out if we enjoy it, unless we try it first?"

    The other Steves nodded in agreement.

    "Ok, good. Now that''s settled, you know how it works, right?" I said.

    "Yes. First, the male receives adequate stimulation to his genitals which results in¡ª" Steve 2 started to say.

    "Whoa, whoa! You don''t need to explain it to me," I said.

    "Ok," Steve 2 said, unbothered.

    "Alright now get a few drinks in you, chat with these women and then go inside and whatever happens is what happens. Just make sure you get consent first."

    "Yes, sir," Steve 3 said.

    I turned back to the bachelorette party.

    "They''re going to have a few drinks first and then you can all have whatever kind of fun you want in the private room. Okay?"

    I got cheers from the group of women who perfectly matched the number of Steves. Four presumably single and ready to mingle women, and the bachelorette, who wouldn''t participate, because she was getting married. But she wasn''t going to miss out on watching. Nice.

    Something strange occurred to me, looking at them. They weren''t acting drunk. They were drinking drinks, but they weren''t slurring their speech, they weren''t swaying side to side, and their eyes looked clear and focused.

    "Wait. Are you all sober?" I said.

    "Of course! Drunk parties are dangerous! You don''t know what kind of creeps will try to take advantage of you or put shit in your drink," the bachelorette said.

    "Oh. So you''re?" I pointed at them and then at the Steves and then back at them.

    "Yes!" they all said.

    "Huh," I said. "Cool."

    They all went over to the Steves who were ordering Pina Coladas, the first drink I ever introduced them to. Tony made them without alcohol, since that''s what they always drank. That was probably for the best. I didn''t want to introduce to the Steves to booze if I could avoid it.

    The girls started chatting them up and despite their literal, direct, concise, and awkward nature, the girls were enamored with them. I guess the Steves did have a certain charm to them. They were honest, loyal, kind, considerate, and good natured. What wasn''t to like?

    Figuring they were alright on their own at this point, I walked back to Margaret and Sarah, who were only feet away.

    "You heard all that, didn''t you?" I asked. "Did you enjoy yourselves?"

    "Yes," Margaret said.

    "Absolutely," Sarah said, staring at Margaret.

    That was weird. What was she doing? Sarah began leaning in to Margaret and then I realized the problem. Sarah puckered her lips slightly and tried to kiss Margaret, who made no moves to stop her. I couldn''t tell if that was consent or if Margaret was just too drunk to notice. I gently but quickly put my hand over Sarah''s mouth and held her face back.

    "Margaret! Turn it off!" I said.

    "What?" Margaret asked.

    "Your thing. You''ve got Sarah under your spell!" I said.

    "Oh, shoot," she said, finally noticing Sarah trying to kiss her.

    She closed her eyes and concentrated. Sarah blinked rapidly like she was coming out of a trance.

    "What happened? Why did I almost kiss Margaret? I''m not bisexual. At least, I don''t think I am. Am I?"

    "You''re not. It''s Margaret. She''s a succubus. When she relaxes or gets drunk, she accidentally releases an intoxicating charm. It works on everyone except me for reasons I won''t get into right now."

    I turned to Margaret.

    "Margaret, I know you''re drunk, but you have to be careful where you point that thing!"

    "I''m sorry! We were just having such a nice conversation, and I relaxed a bit," she said.

    "It''s fine," I said. "No harm done other than making Sarah question her sexuality. You just need to be careful."

    "I''m sorry," she said. "I''ll be careful from now on, babe. I promise."

    "Good," I said. "Now, let''s go check back in on Purgy and Nigel."

    When we found them, I almost wished we hadn''t. Not because of anything Nigel or Virtue was doing, but because of what Sin was doing. Purgy had predictably split into Virtue and Sin and were both interacting with Nigel in different way.

    Virtue was engaging Nigel in a game of chess and engaging in animated discussion. Sin was just patiently watching the game and listening to the conversation with her chin propped up by one arm and with her other arm behind the table.

    Potentially a completely innocent scenario. Sin was giving no sign emotionally or through movement that she was doing anything with her missing hand, but I knew better than that. This was the woman who threw her panties into my face shortly after meeting me. She was up to no good.

    As we approached, I could hear their conversation.

    "Demons are unfairly maligned by human society, don''t you think?" Virtue asked.

    Nigel had a perfectly calm face, but he was sweating bullets.

    "Personally, I think human society''s rigid view of demons is a byproduct of not only the bible''s teachings, but also humans'' tendency to stroke their own egos," Nigel said. "They seem to think the intensity to which they are above other species means that anyone but them is not allowed to retain agency over the validity of their own pe-perception and values."

    "I could not agree more," Virtue said.

    She moved a piece on the board. Nigel shakily took his bishop and captured the piece, but had a hard time putting down his bishop in the correct spot. Ultimately, he knocked it over. Virtue picked it up and placed it correctly.

    "Here, let me do it for you," Virtue said. She looked at Nigel, concerned. "Are you feeling ok? You seem, tense."

    Nigel rubbed the back of his head.

    "Oh, it''s nothing. I''m just thinking about a project I forgot to sign off for before leaving work," he said.

    "If you''re too stressed, we can do this another time," she said. "I don''t mind waiting. I have excellent patience."

    "I''m not surprised," he said. "Patience is a virtue as they say. But no, I very much wish to continue. I deeply enjoy your company. I''m practically bursting with excitement to learn what you think is humanity''s greatest weakness. Morally speaking, of course."

    I stepped up to the table. This felt like a crucial moment for me to do so. I needed to distract Virtue so Nigel could release all the tension he had built up in his body without potentially being embarrassed or discovered.

    I didn''t want to soil Virtue''s confusing level of innocence. I mean, she spent all day in the same body as Sin. How could she not anticipate Sin''s thoughts and moves? I didn''t have time to figure that out though. Time was of the essence.

    "Hey, Virtue, there you are!" I said. "I have been looking all over for you!"

    Virtue turned around to face me.

    "Yes, Dave?" she asked. "Is there something you need help with? I''m eager to do so."

    "I know you are," I said. "Now, the thing is, I have this thing inside me called the Crown of Corruption that feeds off sin, but if I display virtue instead, it turns into something called the Wreath of Virtue. Do you know anything about that?"

    "Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh yes! You were talking to me about that earlier!" Nigel said.

    His knuckles went white from gripping the table so hard. A small smile creeped onto Sin''s face. Virtue looked at me confused.

    "No, I don''t," she said. "Is there any other way I can help?"

    "Um, yes, actually," I said. "Could you name off some virtues I could practice to strengthen my connection with the wreath?"

    "Uh, generosity, compassion, patience, humility, kindness, forgiveness, honesty, temperance, diligence, courage, justice, wisdom, prudence, fortitude¡ª" she said.

    "Actually, could you send me a list?" I asked. "Do you have a phone?"

    "Uh, no actually," she said. "I have the control panel that can send messages, but that''s it."

    I teleported to a store in downtown Little Big Town, grabbed a prepaid phone, checked myself out at the self checkout, and teleported back in a matter of seconds. I handed her the phone.

    "Here. Your very own hell phone. You can call, text, video call, record messages and many other things with it. I got the one with the most money preloaded on it, but you''ll have to reload it when you run out. When you''re about to run out, call me and I''ll put more money on it. Okay?"

    "Uh, sure. Thanks!" Virtue said. She looked wide eyed down at the phone. "My very own hell phone. Wow."

    I looked over at Nigel and Sin. Nigel was slumped slightly against the cushioned backing of the seat. He had a tired look in his eyes. He made a move to get up.

    "It was really great meeting you," Nigel said. "Both of you. I''m exhausted though. I think I''m going ho¡ª"

    "Where do you think you''re going, mister?" Sin said with fire in her eyes. "You''ve been chatting with Virtue all night. Now it''s my turn. You give me attention too or I''ll never forgive you."

    Sin locked eyes with Nigel, and then briefly looked down at herself. Nigel nodded in understanding. He put his hand against his forehead.

    "Oh, my gosh," he said. "How could I forget to give you the attention you''ve rightfully earned by waiting so patiently next to me and doing nothing else and not interrupting the conversation between Virtue and me? I''m so selfish!"

    A wide grin formed on Sin''s face.

    "I''m glad you came to your senses and realized the error of your ways. Now let us talk," she said.

    She scooted as close to Nigel as possible without sitting on his lap as she could. Nigel let his left arm relax and slip under the table while holding his head up with his other arm. Exactly the same position that Sin had been in a moment ago.

    "Thanks, Virtue," I said. "I''m going to go now. That''s all I needed. Take care all three of you."

    "Thanks, Dave!" Nigel said.

    "No problem buddy," I said. I winked at him. He winked back.

    "Now, what''s your favorite position?" Sin asked.

    "What?" Nigel asked.

    "In yoga. What''s your favorite position?" she said.

    "Oh!" he said. "Uh, downward doggy?"

    "Me too!" Sin chirped.

    I left with Margaret and Sarah. I didn''t need to listen to their innuendo-laden conversation that was about to follow. I got the gist of what was going on and that''s what I came for. I didn''t want to wait for them to come to the same conclusions together. I just dry cleaned this shirt.

 Chapter 61: The Curtain Falls, the Party Ends [Book 2 End]

    While Sarah, Margaret, and me were chatting and just enjoying each other''s company, Nimby ''accidentally'' bumped into me.

    "Oh, oops!" Nimby said, putting her arms around me and trying to kiss me.

    Like with Sarah, I put my hand over her mouth.

    "Sorry, Nimby, I''ve changed my mind. I think we should keep things professional between us," I said.

    She looked at me with a gloomy expression.

    "Ah, but I was having such fun with you. The dance and the dip were incredible!" Nimby said.

    "I know and I agree it was fun, but we just can''t continue this. I realized I''m a one woman man and I already have one," I said.

    Nimby awkwardly looked at Margaret and waved.

    "Hello, Miss Margaret!" she said.

    "Don''t you Miss Margaret me young lady!" Margaret said. "Sex among colleagues is one thing, but you don''t try to steal someone''s man. If you want a relationship, look somewhere else!"

    Nimby dropped her head and her shoulders. She turned to leave.

    "Oh, ok. I''ll leave you alone now."

    I grabbed her tiny but toned shoulder.

    "Hey!" I said. "Just because you can''t pursue me, doesn''t mean I won''t set you up with someone."

    Nimby looked up at me with hope in her eyes.

    "Really?" she asked. "You''d do that for me?"

    "Of course!" I said. "What are friends for?"

    "Helping each other move?" Nimby guessed.

    "No. Well, yes, but not just that," I said. "They also help you in social situations sometimes."

    "And you''re going to help me find a man?" she asked.

    "Yes. Or woman if you''re into that," I said.

    "I''m not," Nimby said.

    "Ok, good," I said, wiping the sweat off my forehead. "I wouldn''t know who to set you up with. I don''t know if any of them like girls."

    "Ok, who are these dudes?" she asked, running her hands together.

    "There''s Kevin," I said. "He''s a pro fireball player. I met him after a game once. Well, I accidentally teleported into the backrooms instead of the stands and he bumped into me."

    "He''s a flame boy? What team does he play for?" she said, her eyes sparkling.

    "The Black Angels," I said.

    "Ew! Yuck!" Nimby said, scrunching up her face.

    "What?" I asked. What was the problem?

    "The Black Angels are bleh with a capital bleh," she said, making a thumbs down.

    "Why?" I asked.

    "I don''t know," she said. "Just, nobody likes them. Except the people who grew up around their stadium. And they''re pariahs. No one likes Black Angels fans."

    Knowing that was the best explanation I was going to get, I said, "Ok, no to Kevin."

    I pulled up an imaginary clipboard and crossed him out.

    "Next is Luke," I said.

    "What''s his deal?" she asked.

    "He''s the head of the marketing department for Brim and Blackrock," I said.

    "Marketing? Double ew!" she said.

    "What''s wrong with marketing?" I asked.

    "They''re sales people," she said. "Not only are they lying to you about how cool they are, but they''re also looking at you hoping to get the best deal. Too much negotiation."

    "Ok, I give up," I said.

    I threw my hands up in the air.

    "What? That''s it?" she asked.

    "Technically,no. There is one last guy who''s single and lookin to date, but he''s kind of a weirdo."

    Nimby goes, "I can do weird. Is he strong? Is he powerful like you?"

    "Wow, you really do have a one track mind," I said. "You could say that. He''s a viscount out in the brimstone basin. He''s an intern who works as a personal assistant to Nigel. He doesn''t get paid, but he doesn''t care since he''s rich as it is. Paying him would be like pennies to him. Not worth the trouble of filing the income taxes."

    "Oh, really? Is he lonely and generally disliked by most women?" she asked.

    This was getting weirdly specific. "Uh yeah. Why?"

    "He sounds perfect! I want to meet him!" she said.

    <hr>

    "Christopher Sulfuris, Viscount of the Brimstone Basin, and Nigel''s personal assistant.

    "Nimby Ashefield, the first," she said. "Waitress at Hell''s control room and Dave''s personal concubine."

    She gave a sharp grin.

    "Wh-what??? Christopher stammered.

    "I''m kidding!" she said.

    She placed her hand on his forearm.

    "Oh goodness," she said. You had me there for a second. You are a funny one, Nimby." He wagged his finger at her.

    "Thank you, Chris," Nimby said. "I''m going to tell you a secret. I try."

    "At being funny?" Chris asked.

    "That is what I was referring to," she said. "So what made you want to work in general? Aren''t you rich?"

    "I wanted to get out of the house for a change. Generational wealth is such a burden. It keeps me so sedentary," Chris said.

    He put the back of his hand against his forehead.

    If you spot this story on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

    "If it''s such a burden, why don''t you allow someone else to carry it for you? I''m very strong for my size," Nimby said.

    She flexed her arm.

    "Oh haha! You make me laugh, Nimby! I think it''ll be a delight to have you around the house," he said.

    "Around the house? What do you mean?" she asked.

    "Of course! Isn''t this an attempt at courtship? As such, it is customary for the person of higher status to host the person of lower status until it is decided whether they will seal the deal, so to speak," Chris said.

    "I''m surprised you aren''t aware of these traditions, but I suppose they don''t teach these things to the riffraff. No offense, of course."

    "Of course," she said, smiling deeply into his black eyes with faint flecks of lavender."

    I patted Chris on the shoulder. "You two seem to be hitting it off. Which means my job here is done. I will see you two later."

    "I am most grateful, Sir Dave," Chris of the Basin of things and other stuff.

    "Yes, thank you, Dave," Nimby said, winking at me.

    I honestly didn''t know how to take that. Did she mean she was going to take advantage of Chris? Or she saying she was gonna do him? Or was she ironically telling me she actually hates me now for rejecting her and is trying to make me feel like I''m missing out on something?

    I genuinely had no idea what she meant by that, so I turned off the speculation machine in my brain and walked away with Margaret and Sarah.

    The rest of the party was rather uneventful. Margaret, Sarah, and I, at my behest, high fived the Steves for performing the dance with no pants for the first time in their relatively short lives.

    Then we checked back in on Nigel, Sin, and Virtue. Nigel looked exhausted. He was lying on his back on the cushioned seat while.Sim straddled him in a non inappropriate way.

    Virtue was playing him in chess still, but it seemed to be a different match. He was still very much awake. He just seemed physically exhausted. He was still talking philosophy with Virtue, playing chess, and answering Sin''s inappropriate innuendo based questions back and forth. He just wasn''t sitting up.

    Then suddenly, Nigel sat straight up and looked back and forth between Sin and Virtue.

    "I-I have something to say," Nigel said, loosening his tie.

    "I''m listening," Virtue said.

    "I''m here," Sin said.

    "Yes, well, I don''t know how to say this," Nigel said. "I''ve never done it before. I had a little bit to drink, but it doesn''t feel like it''s the drinking talking. Sleep deprivation, maybe, but not the drinking."

    "What are you trying to say?" Virtue said. She put her hand over her mouth.

    "Yeah, spit it out!" Sin said. She grabbed Nigel and comically shook him.

    "Well," Nigel said as he was being shaken. "Sin, I love your lively personality, but it''s hard enough to say this without being shaken."

    Sin stopped shaking him and let go of him, but then she started idly flicking his earlobe.

    "That''s also very distracting, but I think I can push through it," Nigel said. He gulped. "So I know I''ve only known you both for a few hours, but would you be willing to commit to being my lifelong partner?"

    "Which one?" Virtue asked.

    "Yeah, which one, wise guy?" Sin asked, getting in his face, and then quickly licking his nose.

    Nigel didn''t even react. I felt like he''d been enduring similar hijinks for the last few hours, so it didn''t even phase him anymore. If anything, he probably liked it.

    "Both of you," Nigel said. "As Purgy. I want Purgy to be my lifelong partner on paper, but you can split and be yourselves whenever you want. I just think from a legal standpoint it would be easier to put Purgy''s name down on official documents. Is that alright with you both?"

    "I would be honored," Virtue said, wiping away a tear.

    "Yayyyy!!! I was hoping we would be together after tonight, but this is more than I could ever ask for!" Sin said, making a shocked face and then slapping her hands on either side of her face.

    I stepped up to the table to interrupt. "Virtue, close your ears."

    "Yes, Dave," she said, putting her fingers in her ears.

    "How many times?" I asked Nigel.

    "What do you mean?" he asked me.

    "You know exactly what I mean," I said.

    I made an opening and closing upturned hand gesture. Nigel sighed.

    "Five," he said.

    "Five?!" I said. I turned to Sin. "Sin?"

    She extended all of her fingers. "Twelve!"

    "That''s only ten," I said.

    "No, it''s not," she said.

    I looked closer at her hands. Each of them had six fingers.

    "Gross!" I said.

    "Shut up, you!" Sin said.

    She clapped her hands together, and the sixth fingers disappeared.

    "I should be mature and not do this, but frankly, I don''t care," I said. I put my hand up. "My man!"

    Nigel realized what I was doing and high fived me back. I was smiling, and then I adopted a serious look and pointed at him.

    "You better make an honest woman out of Virtue, if that is what she wants," I said. "Don''t only do Sin and think you''re good. There is a way to participate in that particular activity without sinning, you know."

    "Yes, sir," Nigel said. "But," he beckoned me toward him with his finger.

    He leaned in and whispered in my ear.

    "Don''t you think it''s about time you made a dishonest woman out of Margaret?" he asked.

    That hit me like a ton of bricks. Huh. I hadn''t even thought about that in all the chaos. But he was right. I should make Margaret my lifelong partner. She was mine forever as is, so I might as well make it official. If she ever left me, I would be more devastated than I was when Sarah abandoned me, and that had me despondent for days.

    And I know my possessiveness over Margaret was sexist and unhealthy, but I loved her. I wouldn''t let her go unless she stabbed me in the heart herself.

    I turned to Margaret and fell to my knees.

    "What are you doing, Dave?" Margaret asked.

    "I know this is a cliche, but something I should''ve done long before now," I said.

    "Dave," Margaret said. "You aren''t?"

    "I am," I said.

    Realizing I didn''t have the appropriate paperwork, I teleported to the Fortress of Bureaucracy and grabbed it from a few different piles, then teleported back, still on my knees. I made sure to grab two copies of each.

    I arranged the paperwork in order and extended a pen to Margaret.

    "Would you be my lifelong partner?" I asked.

    Margaret put her hands over her mouth.

    "Yes! Yes! Oh Beauregard," she said.

    I hated answering to that name, but I said, "Yes?"

    "I love you so much!" she said.

    She hugged me and kissed me all over my face until not a single spot of my face wasn''t covered in a lipstick stain. Then she snatched the paperwork out of my hands and signed it quicker than you could say, "Why does my butt itch?"

    She handed it back to me, and I signed it as well. Then I pulled out the second copies of each piece of paper, arranged them in order, and handed them to Nigel.

    "Thank you, sir!" Nigel said.

    He signed his portion of the contract and handed it to Virtue and then Virtue handed it to Sin. They both signed it. I got up and hugged Margaret.

    Then I heard the sound a mic being turned on and a stage being constructed. I don''t know how to describe the sound, but when I looked over and saw the stage forming from the ground near Gilbert, I agreed that''s exactly what it should sound like.

    Nimby was standing on the stage with a double-necked guitar. I had no idea how she was actually planning to play that. The only times I''d ever seen a double-necked guitar was for when people wanted to switch between radically different guitar sounds mid song.

    Strangely, I had a feeling that''s not how she planned to use it. She leaned forward and spoke into the mic in front of her.

    "This song is dedicated to my boss, Dave, and my new boyfriend, Chris. It''s a classic, known as ''God Damn It'', originally composed by Lucifer."

    She cracked her neck and stretched her back. I heard a ripping sound and another pair of arms burst from her shirt below her original arms. Her four hands arranged themselves on the guitar so she could play both guitar sections at the same time.

    I''d heard about it, but I''d never seen it. The reason Hellspawn were considered the strongest demons was because they could morph. They could change to add new appendages, legs and arms, natural weapons like claws and scythe hands, wings and more.

    The older they got, the more they could morph, the bigger they could make themselves, and the longer they could maintain their alternate forms. As a Hellspawn, Nimby was supposed to gain her morphing ability upon reaching maturity.

    The extra arms were probably the furthest she could take it, though, since she was so young. But then her horns grew longer and more curving, ending turned up behind her head. I guess she had a little more power than I thought. She looked up, her eyes glowing with fire and emerald green specks.

    "Hit it Gilbert!" she yelled.

    A backing track blasted out of the speakers as Gilbert surprisingly, was working on a laptop. I expected him to do a magic about it, but maybe this was just easier.

    Nimby let the track play until she suddenly began playing rhythm guitar and lead guitar at the same time with her double necked guitar. After a few moments, she put her mouth really close to the mic.

    "God damn it, piece of shit motherfucker! Ass shit piss cum in your eyes, you are not my father, you''re in disguise! Eat my fist, you''re filled with lies! I''ll twist myself and change my mind, to get myself on your good side! I''ll grovel, beg, lie, and steal, as long as I can make you kneel!"

    Wait a minute. These lyrics sounded¡­strange.

    "I will steal your Grace, fill myself with light, and you won''t even put up a fight! I hate your guts! I hope you die! I''ll end your kingdom in the sky! All I need is a sucker bent on redemption. I will be free! I''ll be an exception!"

    Huh? Hold on. Lucifer was planning to steal God''s grace and his divine light? And he planned to destroy Heaven? Sucker bent on redemption? I hated to say it, but that sounded like me.

    "It doesn''t matter how long it takes, I will trick you into letting me in. Only when I''ve gained your trust, I''ll betray you and then begin. My reign of terror will be long and hard, just like you do to dissidents, how you discard."

    This was starting to sound awfully similar to how I redeemed Lucifer and got him back into heaven. I think I was tricked! He tricked me! He tricked everyone!

    "We will rise up and we will prevail. I''ll torture you and put you in jail. The gates will close and I will laugh. There will be no redemption, no going back. This is the end my father''s son. I will kill you in front of everyone!"

    That''s why Heaven is closed! Lucifer is betraying god. He''s going to kill the lord and Jesus. Oh christ! Oh shit! I fucked up!

 Ch 62: Parenthood

    "Mommy and Daddy, you can''t catch me!" Eli said.

    He giggled as he flew around the room, taking advantage of the high ceiling to keep out of reach of Margaret and to maneuver away from me as I flew around trying to catch him. Even with the high ceilings, trying to fly around the room for me was difficult, and my feet kept knocking things over and off surfaces.

    "Fitzwilliam Elijah Daverson! Get down here right this instant!" Margaret yelled. She stamped her foot and pointed down at the ground.

    "Mommy! That''s mean! I''m just trying to have fun!"

    "You can have fun on the ground, where it''s safe, honey."

    "I''ll be fine Mommy! You''ll see!" He giggled and spun through the air, narrowly avoiding my grasp.

    "Dave, stop chasing him. You''re just encouraging his behavior," she said.

    "Yes, dear," I said. I dropped to the ground and flattened out my shirt. I looked up at Eli. "We can do this all day, buddy. You have to come down sometime."

    "No, I don''t Daddy! I''ll just stay up here all¡­" Eli trailed off.

    Eli closed his eyes and fell asleep in the air. He dropped towards the ground like a rock.

    "Catch him, Dave!" Margaret screamed.

    "I got him!" I said.

    I lined myself up with his fall and caught him in my muscular arms. You may not agree, but this is my story and I think I''m muscular and well endowed, so don''t argue with me. "Well endowed" is just another term for strong, right? Right?

    I''m just kidding! I know what well endowed means, obviously. Don''t ask me to explain it, though.

    All that said, let''s recap. This is my third journal I''ve written since I made that bet with Lucifer years ago. Hopefully, you''re learning something from this.

    I don''t want my replacement as the Devil to be stuck in this job forever. That would make me feel guilty for tricking you into the job in the first place. And neither of us wants that.

    A lot has happened in the last three years. I made a bet with the devil, my ex girlfriend killed me to help me win the bet, I wished for Lucifer to get therapy, and I took over for him as Devil when he ascended back into heaven as a reinstated archangel.

    Then a bunch of other stuff happened. I became a father, Cain stole some demon magic, damned souls escaped from the circles of Hell, and Judas snuck his way into Heaven.

    A fallen angel, Samael, revealed himself to be the mastermind behind Cain''s plot, he opened the abyss to release his fallen angel brethren and in the process released all the monsters that were also trapped inside.

    Then he impersonated the President, killed all the world leaders, and tried to kill me, but lost due to my sheer awesomeness overpowering his loserness.

    Bingo bango, and now we''re here. Well, not quite. I threw a party celebrating my victory, played matchmaker a couple times, and found out that Lucifer tricked me into becoming his replacement so he could perform a coup in Heaven.

    Now we''re back to the present. I looked down at the sleeping Eli in my arms and remembered that despite everything bad that had happened, I couldn''t be happier. I had a lifelong partner whom I loved in Margaret, and a beautiful five-year-old son¡ªin human years¡ªwhom I loved just as much.

    Margaret loved him more than me, but that was the job of a mother. To love their children more than life itself. And she did. To her folly at times.

    She still has the scar on her hand from grabbing a knife out of Eli''s hand when he was running around the house with one. It was more important to her to keep him safe than to not grab the knife by the blade¡ªouch. Not that she was wrong in doing that. Neither of us would have been able to live with ourselves if he had gotten hurt.

    Tomorrow was to be his first day at school. His aging was accelerated so he wouldn''t be in normal classes. Instead, he would have a series of private tutors who would cram as much information into his brain as fast as possible.

    One benefit of his accelerated aging was his mind absorbed information like a sponge. He was a genius, at least in how quick he picked up new information. We didn''t know what the limit was in terms of complexity because he was still so young.

    Unfortunately, these private tutors were teachers at the local school, so he would have to spend all his learning time on campus. Margaret and I were worried he would face bullying for being so different.

    Not only was he half-demon, half-human, but his accelerated aging would alienate him from his peers. While they would be spending a year in each grade, he would only spend a matter of days in each. That was assuming he passed the tests to graduate to the next grade.

    If he didn''t, his life would be even worse. He would quickly get too large and old for it to make sense for him to be in earlier grades, and he would stick out even more than he already did.

    Neither Margaret nor I wanted that, so I would be keeping a watchful eye on him to make sure nothing bad happened to him at school. Sometimes being the Devil had its perks. In Hell, I could basically do whatever I wanted most of the time.

    If you encounter this narrative on Amazon, note that it''s taken without the author''s consent. Report it.

    The only thing I had to be concerned about was public backlash, but I was powerful enough to silence any dissidents. I just didn''t want to have to do that. Mostly because I wasn''t a murderer.

    But I didn''t anticipate getting backlash from being overprotective of my son. At worst, I would get some nays on the new reality show about me called, "Dave Yay or Nay?"

    I didn''t know what purpose the yays and nays served, other than to measure my public approval. It''s not like getting too many nays would vote me off the show. I wish they did. I wasn''t super jazzed about this whole show concept in the first place.

    But the producer, Harry Stabberstein, tried to convince me that the public was clamoring for it and needed it or they would lose faith in my leadership. What he actually convinced me of is that he wouldn''t leave me alone until I said yes, imprisoned, or killed him. And since I wasn''t a murderer and since infernal law allowed "journalists" to harass public officials to "get to the truth," I realized my only option was to yes sooner or later. So I went with sooner.

    <hr>

    As a reality show, it does have interviews where cast members explain what they were thinking during different parts of the show. These sessions are obviously filmed after the events that they are referring to, but since in reality shows the interviews can be shown simultaneously with the events on the show, I will do the same here so as not to confuse you.

    And to answer your question, yes, I have been editing out the interview segments from the most recent events. I wanted to ease you into it rather than blasting you in the face from multiple angles all at once.

    I also won''t include all segments. Only things that make the story more entertaining, ahem, I mean, more informative.

    <hr>

    I looked down at the young boy sleeping in my arms and smiled. I never knew I could love something or someone as much as I loved myself, but here we were. To be fair, I learned that when I started dating Margaret, but every new precious person embedded themselves into a hole in my wicked little heart.

    [Dave - Interview Segment]

    "And that''s when I smelled it. Falling asleep from exhaustion must have relaxed all the muscles in his body. All of them. I wanted to drop him in that moment, but I knew Margaret would never forgive me. So I just very gently placed him on the floor and said, ''I caught him. You''re changing him.''"

    <hr>

    On top of having to attend school in Hell, Margaret suggested, and I reluctantly agreed that he should have a partly human upbringing. She thought he should spend time in a human school and we should take a day trip to Earth every week as a family.

    Not only that, but she thought we should have outings in Hell as well every week. I thought she was trying too hard, but she reminded me that Eli''s childhood would be significantly shorter than a normal child''s. This wasn''t a journey. It was a race.

    We wanted to pack as many enriching and good memories into his small child brain as we could before he was a grown man, and all his personality traits, habits, thoughts, and opinions were mostly formed. Sure, adults learned new things and grew, but his formative years were a crucial developmental period, and his formative years were about ninety days long.

    <hr>

    To arrange human schooling for Eli and false identification for Margaret when we visited Earth, I called the Assistant Director of the FBI. I''m going to skip the practically obligatory Federal Booty Inspector joke and tell you what he said.

    Drew, who was once upon a sweltering Nevada afternoon, a highway cop, then a federal agent, and now the Assistant Director of the FBI, informed me that he couldn''t help me with something as trivial as my son''s education when he was rooting out fallen angels from the government and the country.

    I informed him that he would have to deal with a very angry demon woman named Margaret Daverson, who was my lifelong partner and the mother of my child, if he said no.

    I also reminded him that demons were significantly hardier than humans and much stronger too, so she could whoop his ass into next week without even trying. And if he did somehow manage to kill or restrain her, I would put him through so much torment, he''d wish he died and went to Hell.

    He reluctantly agreed, if I agreed to help him with his fallen angel investigation. I reminded him he was in no position to negotiate, but he begged and pleaded so much that I felt sorry for him and relented.

    There seemed to be a pattern forming here. I often said no to people, but if they persistently pestered me, I eventually gave in. I didn''t know if that was just a character trait or a character flaw.

    Upon my agreement, he sent me a 300-page pdf file of everything the FBI knew about the fallen angels, their movements, and their plans. It included activity in other countries. Technically, the FBI was supposed to be domestic, but apparently they were working with the CIA on this one because fallen angels in other countries were just as dangerous as fallen angels in theirs.

    <hr>

    Assistant Director Drew picked a small elementary school in Las Vegas¡ªnaturally¡ªto place my son. I asked him why Vegas, and he responded, "Why not Vegas? Isn''t it your jam? Sin City and all that?"

    I responded that it was my ''jam'', sure, but did everything have to fit a theme with him? He said it was the only way he''d remember which school he''d sent my son to because of the mental association. I reminded him that notes existed, but he wouldn''t budge.

    So apparently I was raising my son in the city of sin. Great. Just great. As if I wasn''t going to have enough trouble teaching him right from wrong when he was half-demon and lived in Hell, I would have to watch out for his friends in high school or earlier, taking him to back alley poker games and strip clubs.

    The only good thing I saw out of this whole situation was Uncle Tony. Remember the Reno bar owner who hosted my "Save the World" parties? I made him the godfather of my child. Mostly because Lucifer wasn''t available and might have betrayed me, and was actively trying to take over Heaven.

    The only reason I didn''t think he''d succeeded yet was because nothing terrible had happened on Earth yet. I figured the first thing he would do was start causing trouble for the humans that the bible said he hated so much.

    Tony Zamboni, or Uncle Tony, had opened a new location for his bar in Las Vegas recently and was overseeing its development. It was in the finishing stages of construction and he was looking to open it soon.

    The thing that was so great about this, is he had reached out to and networked with organized crime in the area before the move. Since he was only a bar owner as a front for his real business, crime, he needed to okay the move with the city''s underground authorities first.

    And as such, he was now connected in a way that would allow him to find out if my kid was getting into trouble. And he was close enough to be able to bail him out if he did find his way into a pinch.

    I would be there for my kid, but with this new assignment to investigate fallen angels, I wouldn''t be able to watch him at school all day. Besides, after some thinking, I realized how creepy and helicopter parent-y that was, and I didn''t want to be that guy.

    Margaret wasn''t too happy about it, because she was born to be a helicopter parent, but I talked her down and convinced her he would be relatively safe, even if he did get into some hijinks.

    What kid didn''t get into a little trouble? I said it would be good for his development and after some discussion she agreed I was right. So I wiped my hands clean of the situation and everything went smoothly after that.

    Who am I kidding? I knew it wouldn''t be that easy, and I turned out to be right, yet again. Sometimes I hated being right all the time, but it was a burden I had to bear. Poor me, right?

 Ch 63: First Day of Demon School

    Margaret and I decided to start Eli at demon school, because there were a lot less logistics to it. Everyone knew everyone else was a demon. And while the idea of someone being part human was nearly unheard of, it wasn''t quite as shocking of a revelation as being part demon in the human world.

    Demons knew about humans. They were brought up learning about and studying humans. And every demon parent has brought their kid to the human zoo, also known as the circles of Hell. There were barriers and guards that prevented escape.

    Not that there weren''t escapes. Last year had proven that. But they had inside help and a lot less security due to spontaneous guard deaths. Nothing like that would happen under normal circumstances.

    If it were up to, I''d just as easily stick Eli in demon school, and never bring him to Earth until he was of age and had all his mental faculties together, but Margaret¡ªas I previously stated¡ªinsisted that he get a well-rounded education and upbringing.

    While I didn''t disagree with the need for him to well rounded, human school and demon school had very different dangers. Eli would be especially vulnerable in a human school, especially with him being part demon. If an overly religious person found out, he could be killed.

    Whereas in demon school, if someone found out he was half human, at worst he would be made fun of and alienated from his peers and, at best, they would beat him up and get over it. Demons had a very different approach to social norms and violence.

    Violence was allowed as long as it didn''t lead to permanent or irreparable injury or death. And since demons were really hardy, and they had excellent medical technology down here, you could go pretty far in a beat down before you went over the edge.

    Fists and kicks were allowed to contact any point on the body, but claws weren''t allowed anywhere near the face. It was too easy to blind someone for life that way, and while they did have working cybernetic eye replacements, that was still considered taboo and reprehensible punishment.

    Also, while demons generally healed far better than humans, significantly reducing the chances of scar formation, scars were considered a point of pride. It meant you really endured something brutal and survived.

    Chicks, and dudes for that matter, digged scars in Hell. Scars were cool, hot, neat, awesome, and all the above. Men with scars? Hot. Women with scars? Sexy. Eldritch horrors with scars? Confusing. Who left an eldritch portal open in here?

    I know it creates a nice draft, especially on a hot Hell day¡ªwhich was every day¡ªbut there was safety to consider. Besides, it was against regulations to open eldritch portals in populated areas.

    <hr>

    I had to take the van because the "Dave Yay or Nay" reality show crew wanted to film the ride to school. I just wanted to teleport him to school, but they insisted it had to be long and dramatic, and Eli said he wanted to ride in the car like a big boy.

    I did it for my son, not for the reality show, but they didn''t care because they still got what they wanted. They stuck small cameras onto the dashboard with shotgun mics aimed at our faces. Margaret had to sit in the back because the crew wanted to sit behind the driver and passenger seats to fiddle with their equipment during the ride.

    It wasn''t a particularly interesting ride. I kissed Margaret before getting in the car, Eli yelled, "Yuck!", and I lifted him into the passenger seat because he couldn''t get into it by himself.

    "Dad! I can fly into the seat!" he whined.

    "Sure you can, buddy," I said.

    I placed him in the seat and put the seat belt harness over him.

    Before you scream child safety and car seats, hell''s automobile safety technology had a child setting that was safer than a car seat built into all cars in every seat besides the driver''s seat, because why would a child be driving the car? That said, they did have a setting for imps who were the smallest of demons.

    Every seat had a single lap and shoulder seat belt option like human cars, but they also had car crash harnesses designed to be extra safe, especially for children. They adjusted and form fitted to height, weight, and size.

    I''m sure you''re getting tired of Hell having an answer for everything, but they just did. Everything was better in Hell, except for all the screaming and torture of human souls, but the circles were far enough away from populated areas that no one heard it unless they were visiting.

    As we drove to Eli''s school, I worried about how all this media exposure was going to affect him growing up. From everything I''d learned on Earth, fame did terrible things to children, but Margaret didn''t seem worried.

    She explained that things were different down here and besides; we didn''t have a choice. Even with all of her mollifying, I still didn''t like it. That said, I didn''t notice anything strange about Eli''s behavior. He didn''t seem to care about the cameras, lights, and mics.

    He just saw it as another social opportunity, and by that, I mean an opportunity to yap at strangers. It took them a few days to teach him not to talk to the crew and pretend like they weren''t there, but he loved the interview segments. He rarely answered questions directly, but the audience seemed to eat it up. He got way more ''yays'' than me or even Margaret.

    I didn''t let him see his popularity score, because I couldn''t imagine a world where that wouldn''t mess up a kid for life, but he had a 101% approval rating. I wasn''t even sure how that was possible.

    The producer, Harry Stabberstein, tried to explain it to me once and my brain melted from the nonsense he was spewing into my ears. Something about viewers getting extra credit points for trivia or something. I didn''t get it.

    Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon.

    "So, are you ready for your first day at school?" I asked.

    The producer made me promise to talk during the car ride so he could get good footage. We actually left super early for school and he made me drive around the block a few times until we''d finished our conversation.

    He didn''t tell me what to say, though, which would have been going too far for me. He seemed to know just how far he could push me before I melted his face with hell fire.

    "Yeah, Daddy. It''ll be fun!" he said.

    "You know how I don''t like it when you call me that," I said.

    "Yes, Dad," Eli said. "But why do I have to call you Dad but I can call Mom, Mommy?"

    "You''ll understand when you''re older. Which won''t be that long from now, so you won''t have to wait very long!" I said.

    If you don''t remember why I don''t like that nickname, then I envy you and your innocent mind.

    "Yes, father," he said, crossing him arms and pouting.

    "You don''t have to go that formal," I said.

    "Why do you get to decide what I call you? I hate it!" he said.

    "Eli, calm down," I said. "You know what happens when you get excited. How about this? You can call me Daddy all you want, but I won''t tell you why it bothers me until you''re older. Deal?"

    "Yay!" he said. "Deal! I win, Daddy! Did you see that? Did you see me win, Daddy?"

    "It was kind of hard not to," I said. "Well, what did I tell you about the first day of demon school?"

    Eli sighed heavily, like an old man. "Don''t pick fights, but win them when they pick you."

    "Excellent!" I said. "I know you think your old man is crazy, but trust me, it works."

    [Eli - Interview Segment]

    "My dad thinks violence is the answer, but I think hugs work better! Especially when you hug hard enough. People go to sleep because they like it so much!"

    After going around the block a few times and getting weird looks from people on the street, I pulled into the school parking lot. There were teachers standing outside waving at kids.

    Margaret and I got out of the car, and I got Eli out of his seat. I pointed at the school teacher who was holding a white sign that said, "Eli."

    "That''s your first tutor! Try to be nice to them," I said.

    "Ok, Daddy!" he said. Margaret hugged him and then he stood in front of me expectantly. When I didn''t respond, he started to get an angry look on his face. "Hug!"

    "Ok, fine," I said. I picked him up and hugged him hard. He hugged me back harder. I put him down. "You know most kids your age would hate to be hugged by their parents in front of school."

    "I''m not most kids. I''m me," Eli said.

    He started running away on his little child legs with his backpack that was too big for his body. Good thing he had my super strength, or that thing would have bowled him over by now. He waved backwards.

    "Bye Mommy! Bye Daddy!" he said.

    "Bye, Eli!" Margaret yelled.

    "Bye, son!" I said.

    Margaret elbowed me. "Why do you call him son? Just use his name."

    "Ow!" I said. She frowned at me. "Yeah, I know it didn''t hurt. I don''t know why I always say ow when you do that."

    "It''s because you''re lame!" she said.

    "That''s dumb Margaret! You''re being dumb!" I said.

    "You''re dumb, Dave, you big stupid dummy!" she said.

    Then she kissed me and all bets were off. I opened the van door and roughly pushed all the show crew out, pulled Margaret in, and closed the door.

    "We really shouldn''t do this outside a school," I said.

    "Oh, lighten up," she said. "They only punish people for that on Earth. As long as it''s consenting adults, it doesn''t matter where you do it."

    We got down to business and came up for air a while later. I don''t know how long. I lost my watch. I let the crew back inside and we drove away.

    [Margaret - Interview Segment]

    "Umm. No comment?"

    [Dave - Interview Segment]

    "This will get bleeped out if I say anything I''m not supposed to, right? Good. We ******. There, I said it. We''re a married couple. I know married couples aren''t supposed to ****, but we do. I don''t think there''s anything wrong with it."

    "What''s wrong is what I do with my ****. You put it ****** and then you **** and ***** it until ***** is nice and *****. And then you just go at it for a while. If you want to spice things up, you can do what I call the ******** ****."

    "You take your **** and ***** it into a **** and then you do as normal. It creates a sort of **** that sends *********** ********** through her ***** and makes her ************ like *****. The super strength usually works wonders without all that extra stuff, though. Well, I think that''s enough teaching for today. I''m gonna go take a nap."

    <hr>

    I spent most of the day sleeping. Margaret spent most of the day cleaning. Cleaning what, I don''t know. The house was spotless, as usual, but she was scrubbing the floors, nonetheless. Maybe it calmed her down or something. I don''t know what had her stressed, other than the fact that it was our son''s first day of school.

    Regardless, she cleaned, and I relaxed. Says something about both of us, but what it says, I''m not sure. Maybe that I''m lazy and she works too hard? Either way, camera crews filmed us sleeping and cleaning until it was time to go pick Eli up from school.

    <hr>

    We pulled up to a strange scene. Eli had some sort of award or medal pinned to his shirt and a small group of kids were hanging around him and chatting animatedly at him or with him. A teacher was standing nearby.

    When Margaret and I walked up to them with a camera crew following us, Eli jumped and or flew into our arms.

    "Mommy! Daddy!" He said.

    We hugged him and put him down.

    "So what''s all this?" I asked Eli.

    The teacher stepped up to answer. "Your son resolved a fight in an honorable way, so the principal gave him a medal of honor."

    "A medal of honor?" I asked.

    If I was a cartoon character, my eyebrows would have raised so high they would no longer be attached to my face.

    "Did he dive on a grenade?"

    "Well, a medal of honorific achievement." she said. "No grenade diving today I''m afraid. Maybe tomorrow."

    "Oh. That makes more sense," I said. "I don''t know what that is, but it sounds less extreme."

    "It is," she said. "Still, it is an important award."

    "What did he do to earn it?" I asked.

    "He stopped a fight. By hugging," she said.

    "I believe it," I said. "He once hugged Margaret so hard, she had to rest for an hour. He was extra happy that day."

    "What?" the teacher said.

    "Oh, that''s wonderful!" Margaret said.

    She pushed me out of the way and picked up Eli. I must have said something I shouldn''t have. She only did that when I said something that might get me or us in trouble.

    "I''m so proud of you!"

    "Thank you, Mommy!" He hugged her, with an appropriate amount of strength this time.

    She gave me a look that wasn''t hateful or angry, necessarily. It just said, "Shush!" And I was ok with that. Sometimes I ran my mouth too much. I had a bad habit of telling jokes regardless of whether they were appropriate or not, and that had gotten us into trouble a few times.

    As we walked away, the group of kids all waved and yelled, "Bye Eli!"

    "Bye friends!" Eli yelled back.

    A few of those kids were holding their ribs. Those must have been the bullies who tried to fight him. Despite their injuries, they seemed to be happy with Eli. Maybe they just realized that further antagonism was a lost cause and decided friendship was the safer option.

    Either way, I had my son, and we were going home.

    [Eli - Interview Segment]

    I hugged a lot of people who really wanted to touch me with their fists. I don''t know. I guess they wanted hugs? We all took naps on the ground afterwards.

    This girl Suzy really wanted hugs. A lot. She even gave me kisses like Mommy does. The teachers made her stop.

    Either way, I had my Mommy and Daddy and we were going home.

 Ch 64: Piercing the Veil

    The next couple days passed rather inconsequentially for Eli. He learned information at a rapid pace, he made friends and got kissed by Suzy repeatedly until the teachers separated them. He was living life.

    It was unfortunate that I knew it wouldn''t last. This was probably the happiest he would be in his childhood. The first grade, his first friends, his first crush, and his first award.

    Next week he would take a test and be placed in the next grade or he wouldn''t. Either way, he would physically look one year older than his friends. And since he was absorbing information so quickly, he probably would pass the test and be sent to the next grade.

    Then he would have to make new friends or be isolated. His old friends wouldn''t understand and his old crush wouldn''t either. People would explain it to them, but they would still treat him the same until he was towering over them in a matter of weeks.

    And then he would leave for middle school and likely never see any of those friends or crushes again. He could try to keep in touch, but how do you keep in touch with elementary school students when you''re about to enter college. It wouldn''t just be awkward. It would seem incredibly creepy to anyone who didn''t know his peculiar situation.

    So socially, he would be forced to move on. I''m sure he would get over it, but it wasn''t something I wanted anyone to go through, especially not someone as wholesome and pure as him.

    I would hate to see him get cynical and jaded. It just wouldn''t feel like him. It would feel like me, and I had enough of me around the house. I wasn''t so narcissistic as to think having two of me would be a good thing.

    Especially not for Margaret''s sake. She loved him more than life itself. He was her joy. Her light. Watching the excitement and wonder drain from his eyes would kill her.

    She liked it and tolerated it from me, but not from her child. No one wants to watch the world beat down their kids, even people who have been beaten down by the world themselves. Maybe especially not those people.

    <hr>

    I dropped Eli off at school first, but this time, we flew. I wanted some father son bonding time, just me and him.

    Fortunately, the reality show crew didn''t have a camera person with wings. Otherwise, that effort would''ve been wasted and even more awkward than the car ride.

    Most of the crew were gorelings with a few fiends and imps, but they were administrative assistants and runners, not technical crew members.

    I took Eli through a few flying maneuvers before touching down at his school. His friends from yesterday clambered around him. I spotted Suzy. She was the one who wouldn''t stop planting kisses on his face.

    For a brief moment, I wondered if his incubus powers were kicking in, but none of the other kids were displaying the interest and affection she was.

    And those powers weren''t supposed to bloom until he was eighteen, or at least the equivalent of eighteen in physical and mental development.

    I wanted to talk to Suzy to have her leave him alone or at least just hit the brakes a little, but I also didn''t want to terrify her, so I just let her continue until the teacher broke it up.

    "Bye Daddy! I love you!" Eli said, waving from the middle of the crowd of children.

    "I love you too," I said. "Have a good day!"

    I jumped into the air a took off.

    <hr>

    I spent the first half of the second day of Eli''s school going over the 300-page document Drew had sent me.

    It detailed movements, potential plans, and targets of the remaining fallen angels in the US.

    None of them seemed to have the shape shifting abilities of Samael, but we couldn''t be sure. It was possible the shape shifters were just hiding in plain sight.

    After reviewing a good third of the material, I was mentally drained and stuck reading the same paragraph over and over.

    There was still time before we or I had to pick Eli up from school, so I decided to take a break and see how Margaret was doing.

    <hr>

    As I was walking around the house, I heard Margaret washing dishes. We hadn''t used any dishes for breakfast this morning. Was she washing clean dishes?

    I rounded the corner and saw that Margaret had the cabinet where the dishes were open and had clearly taken clean dishes out of it and was rewashing them.

    I walked up behind her and put my arms around her waist. I smelled her hair. Cinnamon and fire lilies, as always. I kissed the back of her neck and just held her close. She shivered.

    "Yes, honey?" she asked. "Do you need something?"

    Did you know this text is from a different site? Read the official version to support the creator.

    "I need you," I said.

    "Again?" she said. "I''m not saying no, but pace yourself."

    "Not that," I said. "I need you to relax. What can I do for you so you don''t clean our already clean house so many times that it erodes?"

    "Well, if it erodes, you can just fix it," she said.

    "That''s not the point," I said. "The point is, I don''t want to see you erode."

    "I''ll be fine, dear," she said.

    She went back to washing the clean dishes.

    "Honey, you''re washing clean dishes," I said. "You''re not fine. You know what? We should go out."

    "And do what?" she said.

    "Ok, if going out won''t help you feel better, what would?" I asked.

    "I just want to know that Eli is ok," she said.

    "Oh, is that all?" I asked. "I can do that."

    "How?" she asked.

    "Come with me and I''ll show you," I said.

    I twirled her around and let go. I put my hand out, making it her choice to come with me or not. She grabbed my hand, and we teleported to the control room.

    Nimby was standing on the elevated section of the floor, looking out over the Steves as they worked.

    "Faster! Faster, Steves!" Nimby said.

    "Do what faster?" the Steves asked in unison.

    "Uh, it! Whatever it is!" Nimby said.

    I tapped her on the shoulder, and she practically jumped out of her skin. Since she was a Hellspawn, she probably could do that with her morphing powers, although I''d rather not see that ever.

    "Dave!? Margaret? What are you doing here? Aren''t you on leave?" she said.

    "I need to use the facilities," I said.

    She gave me a look. "Don''t you have a bathroom at home?"

    "That''s not what I mean," I said.

    I wiped my face with my hand.

    "I need to use the computers and I need my Steves'' help," I said. "So if you''re done unnecessarily ordering them around, I would very much like to take over."

    "Yes, sir," Nimby said. She bowed and started to walk away.

    "Hey, why are you here?" I asked.

    "What do you mean?" she asked. "I work here."

    "Couldn''t you have ditched to hang out with your boyfriend, though? It''s not like I''ve been here in several days," I said.

    "I don''t want to get caught slacking on my duties, and someone has to feed the Steves," she said.

    "I guess that''s a fair point," I said. "Well, carry on."

    "Maybe, I will," she said. She stuck her tongue out at me.

    "Ok. I''m gonna ignore that," I said. I turned to the Steves. "Is the new satellite imaging system working?"

    "Yes, sir," Steve 1 said. "Fully calibrated and ready to go."

    "Excellent," I said. I rubbed my hands together.

    "What are you talking about?" Margaret said. "I thought we only had thermal imaging."

    "We did," I said, nodding. "I had new capabilities launched and installed in our satellites after last year''s fiasco. I figured actual photographic imaging would help solve our problem. I also had them install a night vision system and a soul signature system. My guy Valdrum designed the launch and implemented the installation process using space robots."

    "That''s a lot of information to download into my brain at once," she said.

    "Sorry. I just get a little excited over new toys," I said.

    "Understood, honey," she said. "I''ll make sure to get you new toys on a regular basis."

    She winked at me.

    "I wouldn''t say no," I said. "Ok, pull up Red Valley Elementary School on satellite imaging. Layer photographic with soul signature to locate Eli."

    "On it," Steve 4 said.

    He typed on the console and poked the screen a few times, pulling up a bird''s-eye view image of the school on a massive screen against the wall. There were glowing red demon shaped lights on the screen. Those were demon souls.

    "Locate Eli," I said.

    More typing and Eli''s full name popped up on the screen inside the school. An arrow pointed to a pink soul signature. There were two red souls nearby. They appeared to be in a struggle.

    "Can you clean that up or get closer? I want to see whatever is going on there. Identify the souls as well."

    Names popped up over those souls as well. Suzy Wrathmoore and Harriet Bombswell. Then I realized what I was seeing. Harriet was trying to drag Suzy away from Eli. Harriet Bombswell was the name of one of the teachers.

    While I was watching this, a weird blue blip showed up near the three of them and then disappeared. I waited a few seconds and it showed up again, and then it disappeared just as quickly.

    "What is that?"

    "I don''t know," Steve 3 said.

    It kept happening until Steve paused the video to bring it to a single image state. It was a humanoid blue soul. I didn''t know what blue was supposed to mean.

    "Why is it blue?" I asked.

    "It means it''s celestial," Steve 2 said.

    "Do fallen angels still register as celestial?" I asked.

    "Yes. While they are technically banished from the celestial realm, they are still made of God''s Grace and therefore register as celestial," Steve 1 said.

    "Oh crap," I said. "A fallen angel is stalking my son. Why?"

    "Beats me," Steve 4 said.

    The other three glared at him.

    "It''s fine," I said. "He''s right. We don''t know."

    "Can you stop it?" Margaret asked.

    "Yes," I said. "But it may cause a scene at the school."

    "Just do it," Margaret said. "Keep our son safe."

    "Yes, ma''am," I said. "You heard her, Steves. Open the trap. Close it as soon as I''m inside."

    "As soon as you''re inside?" Margaret said. She put her hand over her mouth. "You''re going to trap yourself with it?"

    "How am I going to interrogate or kill it if I don''t?" I asked.

    "Ok, but be careful," she said.

    "Always, except when I''m not," I said.

    This was going to be tight, and it was going to be dangerous. I had no idea how strong this angel was. Samael had been a lot for me by himself and I had no idea how he measured up to other angels.

    With his shapeshifting ability, I assumed Samael was weak compared to the others because he could hide. This would test that theory. I hoped for the best, but prepared for the worst.

    Taking one last look at the image on the screen, I teleported to the location, but behind a wall so I could watch for the fallen angel without being seen.

    The angel appeared again, looking away from me. Strangely, he wasn''t looking at Eli. He was just looking around wildly, like he expected to see something that wasn''t there. He had a familiar posture, but he was facing away from me, so I couldn''t tell if I''d seen him before. His body was flickering, like he wasn''t fully there.

    "Dave," a voice said.

    It sounded warped and muffled, like someone talking through a screen or a wall. Why would it be calling me? I didn''t have time to figure that out right now. I''d figure it out after I''d trapped it.

    I ran up to the figure, grabbed him from behind, and teleported to the white room. I felt my teleportation ability cut off as soon as we were inside. Something weird happened to the angel, though.

    "Aaaahhh!!!" he yelled.

    He slowly stopped flickering and became solid. He curled into a ball on the floor and started sucking his thumb. Wait, no. He was biting it and drawing blood. He must have been in pain. He had a hood drawn over his head, hiding most of his features. I pulled the hood back and gasped.

    "Raphael?" I asked.

 Ch 65: Interruption and Orientation

    "Hey, Dave," Raphael said. He was still laying on the floor in the fetal position. "You don''t happen to have a lollipop or something, do you?"

    "No," I said. "Why?"

    "Because I could really use something pleasant in my mouth after being ripped through Heaven''s veil," he said.

    I gave him a weird look.

    "I didn''t mean it like that," he said. "I''m just in pain."

    "Ok," I said. "Let me see if I can do something about that."

    I focused on his wellbeing and my compassion for his existence. Then the Crown of Corruption changed to the Wreath of Virtue and I gained the ability to heal. I pressed my hands against his chest and extended healing thoughts into him. A warm yellow glow emanated from his body and he relaxed his body.

    "I appreciate the assist," Raphael said.

    "Sure," I said. I put my hand out and lifted him up. "Now, why don''t you tell me why you were stalking my son?"

    "You have a son?" Raphael asked. "I was just trying to contact you, but I kept showing up around this small child who bore a vague resemblance to you. Whenever I tried to contact you, there was some sort of interference, and then I''d get redirected to your son, apparently."

    "Huh, I don''t get it," I said. "Why would there be interference?"

    "You don''t happen to have some sort of angel warding on your house or the building you were in, do you?" Raphael asked.

    I thought about it. Technically, the control room was fashioned from part of Lucifer''s castle. Maybe Lucifer put angel warding on his castle?

    "Now that I think about it, maybe I do," I said. "I just didn''t know it."

    "Well, either way, I contacted you and we''re here," Raphael said. "Where are we, by the way? This white room kind of reminds me of Purgatory, but it''s much smaller."

    "That''s because I fashioned it after Purgatory," I said. "I had my chief engineer Valdrum analyse Purgatory to figure out how it could shut down teleportation, and then I had him build one for me."

    "Why would Purgatory let you do that?" he said. "She''s very protective of her things."

    "Because her boyfriend works for me," I said. "Gives me an in. Her name is Purgy now, by the way."

    "Huh. To both those things," Raphael said. "I assume Purgy was your invention?"

    "It was," I said. "Wait, why do you say it like that?"

    "No reason," he said. "So, was he an accident?"

    "Don''t talk about my son like that!" I said.

    "I figured," he said.

    "What about you?" I asked. "You have any ''accidents'' out there?"

    "A few," he said "Mark, Clark, and Shark. Shark is a woman. You''ll never meet them."

    "Huh," I said. It was my turn to say, huh.

    "Her real name is Charlene, but she goes by Shark," he said. He shrugged. "Don''t ask me why."

    "So are we going to get to the point where you tell me why you were trying to contact me, or are we just going to chit-chat all day?" I asked.

    "I need your help," he said.

    "Let me guess, Lucifer is trying to take over Heaven," I said.

    "Yeah, how did you know?" Raphael asked.

    "Call it a hunch," I said.

    "Well, I need your help," he said.

    "Yeah, I heard you," I said.

    "Are you going to?" he asked.

    "I''m thinking!" I said. "I might be willing to help you, if you promise to help me in return. Normally, I wouldn''t ask for it, but I''m in a bit of a pinch."

    "Sure," he said. "Anything."

    "I need you to keep an eye on my son," I said. "Keep him safe."

    "From what?" he said.

    "Fallen angels," I said.

    "Fallen angels?" he asked. "I thought those devils were locked in the Abyss or killed."

    "Really?" I asked. "I guess Heaven really has been cut off from Earth."

    "What do you mean?" Raphael asked. "What happened?"

    "It''s a long story," I said, "but the Abyss was opened, the fallen angels got out, Samael and them killed all the world leaders and tried to take over the world."

    "That wasn''t that long," he said. "Sure, I''ll help you. It''s going to take a long time to get back to Heaven, anyway. Since it''s cut off from teleportation and angel flight, we''re going to have to access a backdoor."

    This story has been stolen from Royal Road. If you read it on Amazon, please report it

    "How?" I asked.

    "A Tower of Babel," he said.

    "A tower of what?" I asked.

    <hr>

    We were back in my control room. I had made all the introductions and Margaret seemed to get along with Raphael just fine.

    He told me we had to make a tower, similar to the Tower of Babel from the bible, but in a very specific location, with very precise height measurements.

    The door was a certain height above a specific latitude and it traveled around the world as it turned, so we''d have a brief moment to grab onto it as it passed.

    Margaret was the logistics person, and my assistant director, so I had her talk to Raphael about the building plans. I had to pick Eli up from school.

    [Margaret - Interview Segment]

    "Logistics, logistics, logistics. Logistics."

    <hr>

    When I arrived at Eli''s school, he was sitting out in front of the school by himself. None of his so-called friends were around. Not even Suzy. He was crying, but when I landed, he tried to wipe away the tears.

    "What''s wrong, Eli?" I asked.

    He immediately hugged me and buried his snotty nose and runny eyes in my shirt.

    "Nothing," he said. "I''m just happy to see you!"

    "Hey now," I said. "No lying. You know what we do with liars."

    "We throw them in the fires," he said.

    "That''s right," I said. "Now what''s wrong?"

    "None of my friends are allowed to hang out with me anymore," he said. "Their Mommys and Daddys said so."

    "Why?" I asked.

    "They said I''m a half-breed," he said. "I don''t belong here."

    "What?" I said. "That''s ridiculous! You belong here just as much as anyone else."

    I pulled him into a hug.

    [Dave - Interview Segment]

    "If I get my hands on those parents, I''m going to do something to them and it won''t be nice."

    I flew home with Eli, crying in my arms. I''m sure the show crew got a lot of good close ups. They hired a new camera person named Flamshot, and she has a really steady hand. And wings. She flew in front of us the whole way home. Rude.

    Firelings don''t usually have strong enough wings to support flight. They usually just kind of sit on their backs like vestigial appendanges, but Flamshot combined her fire abilities with her wings to maintain reasonably stable flight. I wondered if Lilith could do that. What was I thinking? Lilith could do anything.

    <hr>

    The next day, I had Lilith discuss the logistics of building a Tower of Babel in the Las Vegas area with Assistant Director Drew. There were still a few abandoned lots and plots of land that just contained rubble from the when the city had been destroyed by Steve. Technically, it was the Steves as one being, but they weren''t calling themselves that at the time.

    Drew made all the necessary calls and got us a decent sized plot of land to make the tower. Yes, the latitude of the door traveled over Las Vegas for some reason. I argued with Raphael about that for a minute, but ultimately, he said he didn''t control the location of the door. If I had a problem, I had to take it up with God and He wasn''t answering calls right now.

    So I grumbled and mumbled and accepted it. We couldn''t all get what we wanted all the time. I was hoping it would be in some cool, exotic location, like the Amazon, but no, dirty old Las Vegas it would have to be.

    Raphael called in some contractors who he introduced as Mark, Clark, and Shark.

    "I thought you said I''d never meet them," I said.

    "It appears I was wrong," he said. "I''m not infallible."

    Two thin, but toned six foot tall unusually handsome men introduced themselves to me as Mark and Clark, and then a burly six foot five woman with sharp teeth, a thick neck, and a white spaded tail introduced herself to me.

    "I''m Shark," she said.

    "I can see that," I said.

    "Haha, very funny," she said. "So, what are we building?"

    "A Tower of Babel, according to your father," I said.

    "Oh, Raphael isn''t our father," Mark said.

    "He''s not?" I asked.

    "Nope," Clark said.

    "No no no no," Shark said.

    "Well, you''re his children, aren''t you?" I asked.

    "Yes," they all said.

    I thought about it for a second and then a thought occurred to me.

    "Raphael isn''t your mother, is he?" I asked.

    "Yes," they all said.

    "Oh. Huh," I said. That was surprising, but not outside the realm of possibility. I didn''t know how angel physiology worked, and frankly, I didn''t care to know. Seemed sort of private. "Ok. Well, do you think you can build the tower?"

    "Sure as shit," Shark said.

    She was looking up into the sky like she was envisioning the building of it.

    "Yes," Mark and Clark said.

    "So¡ª" I began.

    "Well, we better get to it," Shark interrupted.

    "Right," I said.

    <hr>

    Next was the Las Vegas or human school orientation. Eli, Margaret, Drew, and I went to the school in the late afternoon/early evening. We needed to Drew to explain some of the more peculiar aspects of Eli''s parentage and nature without things getting out of hand, and us being thrown out or our heads put on spikes.

    They showed us the classrooms. We met the teachers. Margaret and I even had to meet parents. I just mean mugged them all and made them go away. Actually, that''s just what I wanted to do. I was nice and cordial, despite knowing that they would probably burn me at the stake if they knew what I was.

    Eli, Margaret, and I were all wearing our illusion tech that made us look like normal humans, but Eli and I had to tuck our wings into our clothes, so people didn''t bump into them. Just because we looked human, didn''t mean our extra appendages weren''t there.

    I made Eli and Margaret tuck their tails away. I did the same. Not that people could see them with our illusion tech on, but tails often seemed to have a mind of their own. You never knew when you might accidentally hit someone with it.

    I quite enjoyed some of their reactions to the reality show crew, who insisted on coming along, even though it was the human world.

    "Oh, my word!" one such parent said. "I, Maribeth, have never seen something so audacious in my life!"

    "Honey, you''ve been reading too much Jane Austen again," said what appeared to be her husband. He put out his hand, and I shook it. "Daryl Hapterfield."

    "Dave Daverson," I said. I pointed at Margaret and then Eli. "And this is Margaret and Eli, Daverson, of course."

    "Of course," he said. He smiled, but it didn''t reach his eyes. He pointed at his wife and child. "This is Maribeth and Maribeth, Jr. Say hi Maribeth."

    "Hi," Maribeth said.

    "Hi," Maribeth, Jr said.

    "I didn''t mean for both of you to, you know what, nevermind," he said. "So what brings you to this neck of the woods?"

    "Um, living here?" I said.

    "Well, of course, but what made you move here?" Daryl said. "No one who grows up here stays, so you had to come from somewhere."

    "Hmm," I said. I thought about it, and honestly, this was the best I could come up with. "Sin?"

    "What?" Daryl said.

    "What?" Maribeth said.

    "Who?" Maribeth Jr said.

    Margaret saw I was in trouble and stepped in.

    "Sincerity and goodwill, of course!" she said. "Dave has a bit of a stutter. Sometimes he doesn''t finish words."

    She looked at me and gave me the "shush" eyes again. So I did. For now.

    "So what''s with the tv crew?" Daryl said. "Are you folks famous or something?"

    "You could say that," Margaret said.

    She trailed off, looking for something to say to further elaborate. It was my turn to save her so I stepped in.

    "We''re foreign dignitaries. Our country films their representative for transparency purposes," I said.

    "Oh, really?" Maribeth said. "What country are you from? Any place I know?"

    "That depends on what you know," I said.

    Margaret stepped back in.

    "We''d rather not say," she said. "Privacy and all that."

    "Of course, of course," Maribeth said.

    "Indubitably," I said. "Drew?"

    Drew stepped up.

    "The ''foreign dignitaries'' have a private matter to attend to with the principal."

    "Understood, understood," Daryl said.

    They let us leave the room.

    "What the fuck was that?" I said. "That was the creepiest conversation I''ve ever had."

    "They did seem a little odd," Margaret said.

    "I thought they were nice," Eli said.

    I patted his head patronizingly.

    "You''ll learn," I said.

    "Ok!" he replied.

    "So shall we adjourn?" Drew asked.

    The principal, assistant principal, and some teachers stared at us from down the hall, waiting. I gulped.

 Ch 66: First Day of Human School

    "Special needs!" one of the teachers yelled.

    We were in a large conference room with a huge oval table that took up almost the entire space of the room. You could barely get in and out of chairs without slamming the chair against the wall.

    "God damn special needs. Every kid has them nowadays. They hand them out like candy at the special needs store, I mean, the doctor''s office," she said.

    Her name was Beverly Hill, which seemed strange at first, until I realized her parents probably did that on purpose to be funny, and now that was just her name.

    Miss Hill¡ªshe wasn''t married or dating anyone, she made sure to tell us, like there was something we could do about it¡ªseemed to have a chip on her shoulder from the beginning of the meeting.

    I couldn''t necessarily blame her. If every kid had special needs, then that was probably a lot of work to not only attend to them but also just to remember which student had which needs. They probably had individual charts for each student, like at a doctor''s office.

    I was getting off track. Drew had started the meeting by declaring that we were here today to discuss Eli''s special needs, and then Miss Hill interrupted. Drew drew in a quick breath and set his jaw.

    "Miss Hill," Drew said, "while I understand your position, I think you''ll find that Eli''s special needs are a little more special than other children''s."

    "Like what?" Miss Hill said. She put her hands in the air with two fingers free on each hand, getting ready to do air quotes. "Is he ''Autistic''? Does he have ''ADHD''? Is he ''cognitively impaired''?"

    Ok, this was getting out of hand. I had been on her side for a second, but being exasperated about children who were cognitively impaired was five steps too far. What was wrong with this lady? Oh, yeah. She already told us. It was because she was single, and no one wanted to mingle with her.

    I stood up from my chair, but it hit the wall before I could fully straighten my legs. So I ended up standing halfway.

    "Miss Hill!" I said. "With all due respect, that is going too far! Those are vulnerable people with real struggles you''re talking about! Not to diminish what I said, but no, Eli doesn''t have those kinds of challenges. He is incredibly bright and learns quicker than a normal human is even capable of. He may be a little na?ve about social situations, but that''s the extent of his mental issues."

    "Then what is his problem?" Miss Hill asked.

    I turned to Eli and whispered in his ear.

    "Can you take your wings out and hover above the table for me?" I asked.

    "Yes, Daddy!" he said.

    He pushed his wings through the holes in the jacket, which were specially designed to fit him. He clambered onto the table.

    "What is this child doing?" Miss Hill asked. "Get him down this instant!"

    Eli stopped for a moment, looking at me. He wasn''t sure what to do.

    "Let him continue," the Principal said. She steepled her fingers. "I have tried to impress upon you all, especially you Miss Hill, that Drew here is a very important person who carries a lot of authority, but apparently I haven''t been plain enough for you to understand."

    "Drew is the Assistant Director for the FBI, so whatever this child is doing, must be pretty important. I say that we let him continue, and what I say goes in this room and in this school, if you don''t remember."

    Several heads popped up, and backs straightened at the mention of Drew''s position.

    "Yes, Principal Stamperton," Miss Hill said.

    "Thank you," Principal Stamperton said. "Now, Drew, before we continue, could you enlighten us on what exactly we are discussing and why this child is climbing on the table?"

    Drew straightened his jacket and adjusted his tie.

    "I''m not sure what I''m at liberty to say," he said. He gestured to me. "Dave here has a position higher than anyone in this room. That includes me. It should be him who explains the nature of his child''s needs."

    "Dave?" Principal Stamperton said.

    "Ahem," I cleared my throat. "I''m not sure what exactly I can say without upsetting anyone."

    "Why don''t you start with what Eli needs from us," she said.

    "Ok," I said. "He needs your understanding. He is a kind-hearted boy with nothing but love in his heart, but he has certain gifts. I''m worried that he''ll be bullied and people will get hurt. And I don''t want that blowing back on him."

    "He does everything he can to stay in a good mood, or at least not get angry. If he does get angry, people can get hurt, and that''s the last thing any of us wants. I know that schools nowadays are weird about violence, but if a child harms him and they get hurt when he defends himself, he shouldn''t get in trouble."

    Unauthorized usage: this tale is on Amazon without the author''s consent. Report any sightings.

    Teachers started raising their voices and getting rowdy. Then they started shouting. It was literally incomprehensible. I couldn''t understand a word they were saying. So I grabbed my son and set him on the ground. Then I got on the table myself.

    "Dave, don''t!" Margaret said.

    I looked at her.

    "I have to," I said. I took in a deep breath. "Stop!"

    Everyone froze, except for Margaret, Eli, and Drew. I lifted my hands and grabbed the invisible threads that tied me to the people I was silencing. I bundled all the threads together in one hand and shook it. The people under my control trembled.

    "I tried the easy way," I said. "I''m frankly disappointed how quickly this got out of hand. Now, we will resume soon, but you need to understand something. I can make you do what I want, but I don''t want to do that."

    "Not only is it my last resort, I''ve never intentionally mind controlled someone before. I did do it accidentally to a unicorn and literal mountain of a person, but that''s not relevant to this discussion. Holding you in place like this, that''s not mind control."

    "This is just getting your attention. Mind control is making you prioritize my son over all other students. I''m not asking for that. I''m just saying that you prioritize all students equally."

    "Making sure Eli doesn''t get bullied isn''t just prioritizing his safety. It''s prioritizing the other students'' safety as well. That is all. You now may speak."

    I let go of the threads and got down from the table and sat back in my chair, flattening out my shirt and jacket. The room was quiet for a long time. The Principal raised her hand.

    "Um, how did you do that?" she asked.

    "You really don''t want to know," I said. "I pray that you never find out."

    "Ok," she said. "Are we supposed to swear fealty to you or something?"

    "No, nothing like that," I said. "Just don''t shout and scream over each other so I can''t understand what anyone is saying. That''s all I ask."

    Miss Hill raised her hand.

    "Yes, Miss Hill," I said. "You don''t have to raise your hand. We''re not in a classroom."

    "Yes," she said. "So, and I''m just inferring this, does your son have powers similar to yours?"

    "Yes," I said, "but more focused on destruction and chaos. At least for now. And he can''t control them yet. Which is why I just want people not to mess with him. He''s not a mean or bad kid. But when people mess with him too much, sometimes, and just sometimes, he gets mad. And when he gets mad, he loses control."

    "Understood," Miss Hill said.

    The rest of the teachers and the principal all nodded firmly.

    "Good," I said. "Well, I think that wraps this up. Now don''t go planning anything behind my back. I''m always watching. Like Santa."

    "Uh, yes," the principal said. "Understood. We won''t."

    "Ok, bye now!" I said.

    We got up to leave. Eli waved at everyone.

    "Bye scary people!" Eli said.

    Margaret, Eli, and I walked out of the room first, and then the show crew followed awkwardly through the door while trying to maintain the shot.

    [Drew - Interview Segment]

    "Well, that didn''t go how I expected it to, but it never does with Dave. Or his family. They''re just like him! Crazies, the lot of them! Oh, well. It could be worse. I could still be a highway cop."

    [Eli - Interview Segment]

    "My name is Eli!"

    "Hey, how''d the kid get in here?" the producer said.

    Someone kicked the camera over and it landed on its side.

    <hr>

    So today was the day. Human school. We couldn''t fly this time. We had to take a car too, which was ridiculous. I could just teleport us around the corner and walk up, but that would seem weird, and I didn''t want people to think Eli was a latchkey kid, so he couldn''t walk up by himself.

    So a car it had to be. I rented a mini-van from a rent-a-car company, not because I couldn''t afford to buy a car, but because it was faster than buying a car. And less paperwork. God, I hated paperwork.

    [Margaret - Interview Segment]

    "I made sure it was a mini-van. I didn''t want anyone to think we were about to kidnap their kids. So what if the camera crew was a little cramped. At least it wasn''t a sedan. And I made sure the car was red. Red is my style."

    [Dave - Interview Segment]

    "Margaret insisted the car be red. The woman loves her red. Her relationship with red is like a human woman''s relationship with pink. Must be a Hell thing." I shrugged.

    <hr>

    Eli and I had another father-son conversation while Margaret sat in the back. I was starting to feel like the show, "Dave, Yay or Nay?" was focusing on me and my relationship with Eli, more than Margaret. That didn''t seem fair.

    I know my name is in the title, but she''s just as much Eli''s parent as I was. I''d have to talk to the producer about that after we dropped Eli off. Eli and I had about the same talk about Eli''s first day of school as we had when I dropped him off at Demon school.

    He was excited and ready to roll. I really hoped it went as easily as he thought it would. I was crossing my fingers. The show crew decided to stay to watch Eli for his first day at human school. Boy, was I glad they did. Otherwise, I might not have gotten the evidence I did to back him up.

    <hr>

    I got a call from the school while I was looking over the fallen angel file that there was an incident and it was still happening. Whoever it was said there was a fight in the schoolyard and Eli was in it. I didn''t have time to get Margaret. I teleported to the school and ran around the back.

    Eli was holding a kid up by the throat from ten feet away and fire and magma were bursting from his eyes. He was in full demon form with red skin, wings, horns, and tail. He was using telekinesis to hold the kid up.

    That was something he had displayed early on as a kid. He would make his toys float when he was happy, and he''d throw them through walls when he wasn''t.

    It hadn''t been strong enough to hurt Margaret, and we taught him not to use it unless it was just us, but when he got angry, all bets were off. He didn''t normally get angry from being hurt though. He just got sad.

    I couldn''t figure out what had made him so angry until I saw the girl laying on the ground behind him. Eli appeared to be shielding Maribeth Jr from the other kids, but they had long since abandoned hurting her.

    They had their phones out and were filming Eli go ape-shit on this kid who I assumed was the ringleader. I''d like to say I noticed blood or bruises on his knuckles from punching her like a detective, but instead I just had a feeling.

    Mind you, I realized all this while I was running as fast as I could at Eli. I picked him up.

    "Everything''s alright," I said. I stroked the back of his head. "You can put him down now."

    I heard the kid''s feet hit the ground, but I didn''t look.

    "Put the phones away!" I said to the kids.

    My domination jewel fired up, and they did what I asked, but I had a feeling it was too late. I walked over to the phones on the ground and saw that they weren''t recording. They were live streaming. It was futile, but I smashed the phones with my foot.

    "They hurt Maribeth!" Eli cried into my shoulder.

    "I know. I know. It''s going to be alright," I said. "I''m going to drop you off at home and then take Maribeth to the nurse''s office, ok? You tell Mom all about it."

    I teleported home, placed him on the ground, and teleported back. I picked up the beaten little girl with bruises forming on her face and arms and walked to the nurse''s office.