《Shatter me and love the pieces》


 Prelude: How did I get here?

    So here I am, my back against the cold hard floor looking up into a pair of deep green eyes that scream ¡°go on, try it¡±. I can only think of one thing right now. ¡°How the hell did I get in this mess?¡±


    Just a few days ago I was having normal days, coming to school without much to worry about and enjoying life as much as I could.


    So how is it that I now find myself pinned against the gymnasium floor by some girl I¡¯ve barely ever talked to? Ah that¡¯s right, it all started with that.


    ¡°So now what?¡± I ask after letting out a heavy sigh


    ¡°...¡±


    The girl said nothing, just sitting on top of me. Her eyes were like a vortex, always pulling my gaze to them. I must look pathetic right now, defeated even.


    I can¡¯t be bothered anymore.


    Dark thoughts of giving up and surrendering traversed my mind. All my life all I wanted was to live up to the expectations of those around me and yet, here I am, in this situation.


    The silence was really killing me, up to this moment my heart had been aching trying to jump from my chest, not knowing what was going to happen to me. As I lay here with no control over anything anymore I felt almost at peace.


    There was a deep serenity to be had in having no control. For the first time in a while I felt relaxed.


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    The thought that I might be strange crossed my mind. Who would be relaxed right now?


    ¡°Hmm, not sure. What do you think?¡± Breaking the quiet and silencing my thoughts, the aggressive girl with deep attracting eyes spoke up.


    Snapping me awake, the girl posed a strange question. I mean, how am I meant to answer that? You¡¯re the reason we are in this situation.


    Just then I had a thought, what if¡­


    I kicked my hips causing the girl on top of me to lose balance and jolt forward. As she did so her face inched closer to me and without thinking too much I learned into it. Our lips touched. All within the same second I somehow managed to achieve my first kiss.


    Not at all what I imagined it would be like. It was bland, I almost didn¡¯t feel it. In fact if you asked me to describe it after, I wouldn¡¯t be able to tell you, that¡¯s how forgettable it was. And yet, it was my first. Rather unremarkable. Not that I cared about that kind of thing but not at all how I imagined my first kiss would go.


    Before being allowed to think too much I was ripped back to reality with a sudden thud.


    Ouch. Almost within the same second we kissed I was pushed back onto the ground with an uncomfortable force. I looked back up to the girl, who for the first time didn¡¯t have an expression of smug superiority, but instead a shocked look.


    It was understandable to look like that. If someone just forced their first kiss on me, I¡¯d have a similar reaction but really, she kind of deserved it for the ordeal she¡¯s put me through.


    ¡°What the hell was that?¡± The girl asked with a tone that could only be described as furious.


    ¡°Something.¡± I replied sharply.


    To be honest, it¡¯s not like I put much thought into what I just did, I just thought it would make her uncomfortable and in that regard, I¡¯d clearly won. I finally scored one on her. It was refreshing not hiding behind my nice girl act for once.


    ¡°Tch¡± The girl turned her head away and made a sound of disapproval. And that¡¯s how my first kiss went.

 The girl with a gloomy face

    Yep. That''s it. That''s my alarm going off at the same time it does every day, 6:00am. Despite living only 5 minutes away from the school I still chose to get up this early, why? That¡¯s simple, I have to make sure I am looking as good as ever, my appearance is everything, I have to be perfect. My looks, my grades, even my social life. If it''s not perfect then what''s the point of living?


    My day starts as follows: I wake up to my early alarm, get out of bed and brush my hair, followed by a trip to the bathroom to do the usual. Next, I brush my hair again of course, my lush syrupy brown locks have to be just right. Soft but firm, flowing like a river down to the middle of my back.


    After 10 to 15 minutes of making sure my hair is just right, it¡¯s time for my makeup. The school of course doesn''t allow over the top makeup so this is simple.


    After checking everything is just right it¡¯s time for breakfast. A healthy and hearty meal is the key to having a great day and staying in shape.


    Finally, it¡¯s time to get dressed. While I do wish the school¡¯s uniform was a bit more stylish, I can¡¯t complain too much. Compared to the other schools nearby, this is definitely the best.


    Buzzz Buzz


    Ah, the doorbell. This could only be one person. After casually strolling to the door I open it to find¡­ Yep, I was right. Standing in front of me beaming brightly as usual was Haruka, My best friend and a friend I''ve known since the start of middle school all the way to now, our second year of highschool .


    ¡°Sei-chan!¡±


    Yep, this little ball of energy always came to see me at the start of my day and she always calls me by my first name too. I didn¡¯t mind it all of course, though it was a little annoying at first, I''ve since grown used to it.


    ¡°Yes yes, as carefree as ever I see, come in Haruka¡±


    Haruka would always stop by to grab breakfast here. Why? I have no idea, maybe the food was better or maybe she just really wanted to see me, either way I didn¡¯t mind. We could spend the remaining time from my daily routine just chatting for a short while before heading to the exhausting battlegrounds that was school.


    It¡¯s not like I despise school or anything, It¡¯s just hard to keep up my loving persona and perfect girl facade for that long. That¡¯s right, even though I go through all the efforts to appear perfect on the outside, reality is cruel. Inside of me is a wash of brewing emotions that wouldn¡¯t fit my outward persona.


    I¡¯m not insane or anything, It¡¯s just hard trying to live up to everyones expectations all of the time, sometimes I just want to live as myself and not be the embodiment of someone''s expectations.


    ¡°Say class prez~, how come you don¡¯t have a boyfriend anyways?~¡± Harkuka asked in a teasing tone.


    On the short walk to school Haruka always made sure to ask some teasing questions, even adding in the ¡°class prez¡± instead of my name. Maybe it was her way of lightening the mood or she was just genuinely curious I wasn¡¯t sure.


    What I did know was that I didn''t particularly have an interesting answer for her. It¡¯s not like I don¡¯t care, sure love sounds nice but how would I, who can barely keep herself together day to day ever cope with something as complicated as a relationship?


    ¡°Mmm, I just don¡¯t. It¡¯s not like I have time for it anyways¡± I replied curtly so she wouldn''t ask about it more.


    I wasn¡¯t a particularly rude person but I made sure to let people know when I didn¡¯t want a conversation continuing somewhere. Haruka understood this part of me, gently smiled and left it at that.


    ¡°Do you think it¡¯s going to rain today?¡±


    ¡°I sure hope not, I totally forgot my umbrella¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s so like you¡±


    Shortly after arriving at school you could hear the conversations occurring between fellow classmates and friends as one by one they marched in.


    It was a slightly warmer than usual day in June, rain was to be expected around this time of year and yet, much like that girl I overheard, I also forgot my umbrella. Typical. Well, the forecast yesterday didn¡¯t mention any rain so with any luck, I¡¯ll be alright.


    Not long after the crowds of people scuffled inside, the school day began.


    For the most part, school passed rather quickly. As I was making my way to the classroom for the last period I bumped into someone, without looking at who I quickly lowered my head and let out an apology.


    ¡°Ah if it isn''t little Miss Perfect¡± The bitter tone spoke out. ¡°Why don¡¯t you watch where you¡¯re going next time?¡±


    This girl is Ayano Haru. For whatever reason, she hates my guts. While she doesn''t exactly bully me, she never misses a chance to berate me or comment on how perfect I am. Letting it slide I ignore her remarks and apologize again before heading to class


    Dinnnng


    The chime echoes. Thus the last period has come to an end. Students begin to scuffle picking up their belongings and either getting ready to head home or join in afterschool activities.


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    ¡°Seiii-chan! Do you have club today? Wanna hang out?¡± Haruka blurted out as soon as the chime had finished. She was waddling over to me with two more girls in tow.


    The two girls were of course our friends Hamada and Arima . While I wasn¡¯t the most popular person in school I still got along with almost everyone due to my easy going attitude and because of that I had a lot of ¡°friends¡±.


    Hamada was a tallish girl who always had a blank look on her face. She had short dark hair and a fit physique. Arima was a short girl who always looked happy no matter what, she clung to Hamada every day.


    ¡°Ah, I¡¯m sorry Haruka, Sensei asked me to help out after class today and you know me, I can¡¯t say no to anyone¡± I replied with a cheerful tone


    Ugh, that¡¯s right, I can¡¯t say no to anyone. I hate it when people look at me with disappointment, it makes me writhe and so I¡¯m stuck doing mundane tasks and acting like the helpful buzzy cloud of a girl I appear on the outside.


    This leaves me exhausted all the time, being someone else for other people¡¯s expectations. If only I could be more carefree like Haruka.


    ¡°Next time for sure though. Let¡¯s all hang out and eat something sweet!¡± Just so they wouldn''t be disappointed I made a promise to hang out at some point.


    ¡°Yay! I can¡¯t wait.¡± Haruka exclaimed as she ran up to me and hugged my arm.


    ¡°Well in that case I guess we¡¯ll see you later Sei-chan¡± She said, skipping off with Hamada and Arima.


    As the classroom emptied and people slowly fizzled out leaving me on my own, I let out a deep breathy sigh. Just a few minutes later the teacher that had asked me to stay behind entered the room.


    ¡°Ah, Shiori-chan, thankyou for stopping by. I just need you to come and help me sort through these tests for your year group. I just want to make sure I can get through them all so I can give adequate homework for summer break¡±


    What the hell? Isn¡¯t it a bit inappropriate to ask a student to sort through tests? What if I did something? Plus, what am I, your slave? So annoying.


    Forcing a smile I agreed to help. ¡°No problem Sensei, I didn¡¯t have anything planned anyways and I¡¯m always happy to help¡±.


    ¡°Perfect, if you would just wait a moment I have another student who needs talking to¡± As he said that he walked out of the classroom and down the hall.


    Moments passed and I could hear the faint sounds of chattering. I left the classroom into the hall so I could get a drink from the fountain. As I looked around I could see Sensei talking to another girl with a stern look on her face. Clearly she¡¯s not happy to be here. I could pick up on certain words and it was clear that Sensei was reprimanding the girl for something. I couldn¡¯t tell what though.


    Sensei left and headed towards his office. I stared into the empty classroom that he and the girl were just in.


    The girl with jet black hair and short stature stood staring out of the window with a gloomy expression on her face.


    I think I know this girl, I¡¯m pretty sure she¡¯s in my class, what¡¯s her name again?


    At some point as I was lost in thought trying to remember the girl¡¯s name, she had turned around and started staring at me. She had a blank look on her face but only for a moment before tilting her head and forcing a smile just before leaving.


    ¡°Well that was kinda creepy¡± I thought to myself


    A few moments later the teacher returned with a box gripped in both hands. It didn¡¯t take a genius to figure out what would be in this box. It was the tests.


    We began sorting through the tests together in the classroom, just the two of us. Of course I felt incredibly awkward but I wasn¡¯t going to let it show on my face. Just as I was getting used to the quiet he spoke up.


    ¡°I¡¯ll be gone for just a moment, I need to check a few things¡± and with that he got up and left me here. I''d been here about half an hour already and I was ready to go home and sprawl out on my bed, dreaming of a world where I was someone else.


    I looked down and noticed the test paper I had in my hand was that of a certain girl. It was Ayano Haru¡¯s. I was never a person to act out on impulse but for some reason just seeing that girl''s name had made me incredibly upset. She had made my life all the more annoying with her useless never ending remarks.


    Without thinking I tore up her test paper.


    Realizing what I had just done, I started to panic. What had I just done? I just ripped another student''s test into pieces. If anyone saw me, not only would my perfect girl facade disappear, but I''d be in serious trouble. What would my family think?


    I quickly shoved the ripped pieces of the test into my bag as chilling footsteps getting closer echoed throughout the classroom. I took out my phone pretending I''d just gotten a text and stood up as the back haired girl walked into the classroom. Huh. Didn¡¯t she go home? What¡¯s she doing here? She didn¡¯t see that right?


    As all the negative thoughts started pounding in my head as if trying to crack it in two, she once again turned to me with a forced smile and left.


    Just a moment later, the teacher returned. Clearly a bit flustered I exclaimed in a soft voice ¡°Ah my mother says she needs me back home, sorry Sensei¡±.


    I needed to get out of here and fast, I couldn''t believe what I''d just done. How could I be so impulsive? I mean sure the girl deserves it, but really, what has gotten into me?


    After rushing back home I ran into my bedroom and flopped onto my bed.


    After screaming into my pillow I thought back to what had just occurred. With nothing to do about it now, I took the pieces out of my bag and binned them.


    ¡°Katsumi Saito¡­¡±


    My head buried into my hands I remembered that black haired girl¡¯s name. Having no idea why I just remembered, I sat and thought on it, She hadn¡¯t seen me right?


    Katsumi Saito was something of a delinquent. She almost never came to school, was never seen hanging around with anyone and was sometimes spotted arguing with the teachers. Yeah, this kind of girl I couldn''t get involved with. Lets just hope she didn''t see anything. What was with that smile anyways? Ugh, no use thinking about it now.


    As I worried and dark thoughts invaded my mind, time passed and I slept waiting for the next day.

 Come with me Shiori-san

    On my usual walk to school with Haruka the air was tense. While I slept like a baby last night, the morning I woke couldn''t be described as peaceful. From the moment I woke to now my heart wouldn¡¯t calm down.


    If what happened yesterday evening were to get out I¡¯d be labeled a psycho and a bitch. Not to mention the possibility that the black haired girl saw what I had done. I couldn''t have my image smeared, and as such, I''ve been in a state of confusion and worry all morning.


    ¡°Hellooo~¡± My thoughts were interrupted by the wave of a hand as Haruka stepped in front of me.


    ¡°Sorry, I was lost in thought¡±


    ¡°Y¡¯know, you''ve been like this all morning. Something up?¡±


    I couldn''t bring myself to tell her what I¡¯d done. Even though we are best friends and I¡¯ve known her since the start of middle school, not even Haruka knew that side of me.


    ¡°Yeah sorry, just had a bad dream and it¡¯s had me shook all morning¡± I lied


    ¡°Ooo even the perfect class prez can have bad days too¡± she remarked in a teasing tone


    ¡°What¡¯s that supposed to mean?¡±


    Without getting a reply we slowly strolled onward eventually arriving at the school. The day began as always and we made our way to homeroom. The students trudging along and telling each other the gossip of the previous day filled the air with noise.


    As we chatted about mundane topics of nothing in particular with Arima and Hamada, I spotted her.


    ¡°Saito¡­¡± I mumbled under my breath trying to hide the stares I was giving her. Surprised she even came to school today I accidentally let my thoughts out through my mouth which was picked up on by Haruka.


    ¡°Huh, you know her Sei?¡±


    ¡°Ah, no not really. She was just here yesterday evening too¡±


    ¡°I heard she¡¯s bad news, a total delinquent, best to steer clear of her¡± Hamada said as the other 2 nodded in agreement.


    While I was of the same opinion, that didn''t matter to me right now. What did matter was the fact that I had done something outrageous yesterday in a moment of impulsive weakness and she might have seen it. To make matters worse it appeared she had seen me staring at her and she flashed me a piercing grin.


    Desperate to hide myself from her I quickly turned and pretended I was listening to the conversation of my friends.


    The bell for homeroom had begun to chime and students sat in their respective seats as our homeroom teacher walked through the door.


    Anything they were saying was going straight through one ear and out the other. It wasnt that I didn¡¯t want to pay attention, it''s just that I could feel the daggers in my back as Saito glared at me.


    She knew something. There''s no way she¡¯d flash that creepy grin and stare at me like that if she didn¡¯t. My chest hurt and my heart raced thinking about it. Maybe it wouldn''t have been so bad if it weren''t for the fact that we shared every class together.


    Seriously, this girl I¡¯d barely even noticed before was now my center of attention, every class was a miserable drag on as I felt her stares. Finally, lunch break. Maybe I can get some reprieve and just eat in peace without thinking about anything.


    Just as I turned to leave the boring history class for lunch I felt a tap on my shoulder, expecting to see one of my friends, I turned quickly. As I turned around my face slowly began to grimace as the person who stood in front of me was not a friend. Far from. This person was Saito.


    ¡°Ah, aha. Saito-san, is there something you need¡± I tried to play it off cool.


    ¡°Follow me¡±


    That''s all she said and yet those two words made my heart sink as images of my life being ruined flashed before me. ¡°That''s it, it''s all over.¡± I thought.


    I followed her through the corridors weaving between students trying to keep her in sight but her small stature and quick pace made it difficult to follow. Eventually leading me to an unused music room where we both entered and stood silently for a moment.


    ¡°So uhh, what can I help you with?¡± I said with a smile, still hoping somehow this had nothing to do with yesterday¡¯s events.


    ¡°I''m surprised you know my name, class president¡±


    ¡°Ah well you know, it''s my job to know all the students isn¡¯t it?¡±


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    ¡°Is that so?...¡±


    Although it was a question it was posed with no way to answer, so for another moment we both stood there before she reached into her pocket and pulled out her phone. Fiddling with it for a second she brought it up to my face and¡­


    Gulp


    There it was, not only did she know what I did yesterday, she somehow managed to record me doing it. Yep. I¡¯m so screwed. I stood there stunned in silence for a moment as I tried to think of ways out of this. Nothing came to mind. In fact, as if in betrayal, my mind not only failed to come up with a solution, it was showing me the disappointed looks of everyone in my life.


    First to break the silence was Saito-san


    ¡°You''re actually a naughty girl aren''t you, Shiori-san?¡±


    Those words rang in the air for a moment as my face must have had all its colour flushed away and a shiver shot down my spine. Speechless and dumbfounded, I had nothing to say, but I had to say something, make some sort of excuse right?


    ¡°No. Uh, that was a blank test you see¡± Laughing nervously I tried to play it off but somehow in the back of my mind, I knew that it was useless.


    ¡°Is that so? Then how come you looked so guilty as you shot off after? I bet you actually wanted to do that, didn¡¯t you?¡±.


    She was right, I did. At that moment just seeing her name had made me furious. I couldn''t tell her that though. I have to be perfect, no matter what, people can''t be disappointed in me. I kept reminding myself.


    ¡°No, of course I didn¡¯t, it was just a blank test¡±


    A pathetic excuse.


    ¡°So you¡¯re saying that when the results are posted there won''t be a student who scores zero thanks to you?¡± She led on with a vicious smile, clearly she knew more than she was letting on.


    I gulped again. She was right, no matter how you look at it. It would eventually come to light that a student''s test was missing. Ayano Haru. Although I hated the girl, she was actually quite studious and her test scores were high, it would be unlikely she¡¯d miss a test day or fail to answer all the questions.


    ¡°So, what then?¡± I asked with an icy tone, letting my facade drop for a moment.


    ¡°Wow. Scary, it suits you I think¡± She replied with a grin staring into my eyes.


    ¡°Huh?¡± I was caught off guard by this ridiculous remark. What on earth was she talking about? Furthermore, she didn''t even answer my question. What the heck?


    Refusing to even let me process what was happening she spoke out again.


    ¡°Shiori-san, give me your contact info.¡± She said quite bluntly. Like hell I''d want to give this girl my contact info. Not only had she maliciously recorded me doing something I shouldn''t have, she had a bad reputation as a delinquent. I shouldn''t get involved with a girl like her. And yet, I was in no position to argue.


    ¡°Okay.¡± I said meekly ¡°What are you going to do? Do you want to ruin my life?¡±


    She scoffed as she noted down my contact information.


    ¡°Nothing yet, I¡¯ll be in touch.¡± And with that, she turned around and left.


    ¡°Well that was something.¡± I mumbled in a soft breathy voice.


    I wonder what she wants?


    I didn''t put up much of a fight with her, I was way too exhausted to even try. To be honest, part of me just wanted to give up there and then. I wondered what my life would be like if I just let it all crumble. Just as quickly as those thoughts entered my mind I shook my head and slapped my hands against my cheeks. I couldn''t be thinking something like that now. What''s done is done and I¡¯ll just have to wait.


    Somehow, despite this delinquent girl now having blackmail over me, I felt a little relieved. I mean, I no longer had to worry if she¡¯d seen me. That much was clear. She had. I could stop worrying about that which helped clear my mind a little.


    After spending a little more time in the empty unused music room, I turned for the door and left so I could finally eat lunch.


    Without worrying too much, the rest of the day was coming to a close and I headed home.


    ?


    I sat on the floor with my back against my bed anxiously awaiting for something to happen. I wasn¡¯t sure what to expect but after the conversation with Saito-san I was feeling a little less concerned about it. Like a huge weight had been removed from my shoulders.


    Pingg


    The sudden sound of my phone alerting me to a text sent a cold chill throughout my body ending at my heart, it was as if I had been stabbed.


    I checked my phone hoping it was just one of my friends but as I expected, it was not.


    ¡°Come to the unused gymnasium storage room after school tomorrow.¡±


    That¡¯s all it said. A demand.


    ¡°If I don¡¯t?¡±


    Knowing fair well what would happen if I didn¡¯t, I asked anyway. I¡¯m not entirely sure why, maybe I just wanted to hear her say it.


    ¡°Or this gets released¡± An attached file of the video she had taken of me the night before was sent along with it.


    ¡°Why did I even ask?¡± I mumbled to myself as I typed out a half-assed reply. ¡°Ok¡±.


    Although I was anxious and a little angry at myself, I couldn¡¯t find it in me to blame Saito-san. I was paying for the consequences of my own actions and in a way having my fate be decided by someone else for a change was rather calming.


    For the first time in a long while, I had let guard down around someone and revealed a side of me that had been kept hidden. It was an enjoyable experience having someone who didn¡¯t hold such high expectations of you, even if that person was a completely unknown factor.