《Space Trip: A Star Trek TNG Parody》 Episode 1: Encounter at Fairpoint - 1 - To Exploit New Worlds Our story begins with a starfield where distant galaxies and the billions of stars in the Milky Way flicker, only they don¡¯t twinkle in space because there is no atmosphere, but maybe we¡¯ll get lucky and a nebula will pass between them and our point of view. The wizened voice of the heroic captain can be heard despite the lack of molecules in the void to carry the noise. ¡°Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Second Prize. Its 5-year contract: To explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, and monetize them.¡± A fanfare of music swells in the vacuum of space that was really just the same song that was commissioned for the first movie, and did you notice that they they just reused a bunch of footage of the Enterprise in space dock from the first movie in the second film, they couldn¡¯t commission¨C Captain Peecurd woke up from a bad dream, and stumbled in the dark to the bathroom in his cabin. He fumbled for the sink and coughed. ¡°Lights,¡± he said in a deep commanding voice. Two strips on either side of the mirror glowed and he looked at himself up and down. Age and beer had not been kind to his hairline or his gut. He coughed again and cleared his throat. There was a chirp at the door of his quarters. ¡°Come,¡± he said. An android with a golden chassis that made C3PO looked like cheap plastic leprechaun gold walked into the sitting room part of the quarters. He was polished and wore a crisp spandex uniform of blue with the double thumbs up Star Cheap logo pinned to the upper left part of his chest. The captain walked from the bathroom, still pushing off sleep. The android had turned to face him, and he recoiled at the horrific sight before him. The droid¡¯s hand was distinctly human but hooked on backwards, had one finger too many, and two of them were meddled together in a disgusting way that sent shivers down Peecurd¡¯s spine. ¡°What the hell is that LMM!¡± Peecurd pointed to the horror the bot had for a hand. LLM lifted his monstrosity and titled it back and forth that only seemed to enhance the creepiness. ¡°Do you like it?¡± LLM said with the same flat aspect he intoned all his words. ¡°In my quest to become more human, I constructed a synthetic hand.¡± Peecurd felt his stomach churn. Partially from the beer he had last night, partly from whatever it was his bridge officer decided to do with his hand. ¡°That¡¯s giving me some serious uncanny valley shit right now.¡± ¡°If you want I can take it off,¡± LLM reached to remove his hand. ¡°No, no,¡± Peecurd said and patted his friend on the shoulder. ¡°What you do with your body is your business, so long as it doesn¡¯t affect the operation of this ship, but maybe you should study hands more before you make one for yourself.¡± ¡°I have analyzed over five quadrillion human hands including the hand models of Snoop Dogg V, and I believe this a good approximation of a human hand.¡± LLM marveled at his own creation. ¡°Right. But it¡¯s more than just what the hand looks like. It¡¯s what it is, what it represents. The artistry,¡± he squeezed his friend on the shoulder and walked him to the door mainly to get the thing out his side. ¡°I do not think I understand. Is not art a visual medium?¡± ¡°It¡¯s about the soul, LLM. A feeling.¡± ¡°I can not feel.¡± ¡°Then maybe you should start somewhere simpler, like a fingernail, or a tooth or something. I mean, a whole hand. It¡¯s a big undertaking if you really want to be human. It¡¯s more than just having a hand.¡± He said as he walked LLM to the door. ¡°I have been working on teeth as well. Humans seem to appreciate a good smile.¡± ¡°There, now you¡¯re getting it. We are more than just the component of our parts. Now, did you have anything else for me?¡± ¡°We are at Rakim II. You wanted to greet the dignitary yourself.¡± ¡°Right,¡± Peecurd said. ¡°Shit, are we there already?¡± ¡°It is shipboard time 11 hundred hours.¡± ¡°Whoa, wait? Seriously.¡± ¡°You do have a tendency to sleep in after one of your benders.¡± ¡°I prefer to think of it as mission prep. These things take a cool head and people decompress in their own way. Now if you excuse me, I got to get in the shower.¡± He shuffled LLM out the door, and held his hand to his head. ¡°Computer, 6 Ibuprofen and a glass of water.¡± ¡°Safety limits restrict¨C¡± The computer voice chimed. ¡°Computer, override safety protocols, authorization Peecard One.¡± He blurted. On a shelf a couple paces away, a glass of water and six tan pills appeared. *** A shower, shit, and a shave later, Peecurd was in his dress uniform in the teleportation chamber. The uniform was a lot like LLMs only with red accents. It was not the height of elegance but rather looked like a certain feminine article of clothing. The only reason the ¡°dress¡± uniforms became the standard of Star Cheap was the fact that the first ever picture of humans to be widely distributed among the galaxy was Audrey Hepburn from Breakfast at Tiffany¡¯s. All the aliens in the galaxy (especially the ones who never met a human before) thought that humans wore dresses and were deeply offended if the earthlings appeared otherwise (at least in the first contact meetings). Love this novel? Read it on Royal Road to ensure the author gets credit. After a while, it wasn¡¯t weird that everyone wore a dress during meetings with alien dignitaries and the industrial prom complex was one of the most powerful industries of Earth. Peecurd¡¯s first officer, Stryker, came into the room wearing his kilt. Preferring a more masculine article of clothing to match his rugged good looks, he got a heritage exception for all the times they had to dress up for a race that didn¡¯t know anything about humans except what they might have gotten through pop culture references and rumors. Stryker was six foot, broad shouldered, sported a distinguished beard and was always well groomed, at least compared to captain Peecurd, who let what little hair he did have left grow wild. They were joined by Counselor Joy and LLM who thankfully had decided to remove the freaky hand and put back his golden one. Joy was a demure woman in a tye-dye dress with blonde hair tied up in a bun. She was a Thetazoid which was a mildly telepathic race. Mild was a nice way of putting it as Thetazoids had to channel their telepathic abilities through crystals and Tarot cards, thus why she was wearing a massive blue quartz crystal around her neck. Thetazoids also looked inexplicably almost entirely human except for some shadowing by their eyes that made them look like they were ready to be a pop music video. One of the big surprises about the galaxy was that almost all aliens more or less looked like humans except for forehead ridges. Most thought sentient aliens would come in all shapes, sizes, and forms as evolutionary pressures of the myriad of planets in the galaxy would produce life even more varied than the animal kingdoms of earth, but it turned out that pretty much every planet with a mild enough climate to let intelligent life evolve was nearly identical to Earth. Thus they had the more or less the same evolutionary pressures that meant the first species to walk upright and have the advantage of seeing predators on all fours from far away and given time to evolve intelligence looked more or less human minus a forehead ridge or two. That wasn¡¯t to imply that weren¡¯t superintelligent crabs somewhere in the galaxy as crabs have also evolved on every planet too, it was merely to illustrate that went a man appeared on the teleportation that looked like a human who dunked his forehead in a batch of tan colored Play-doh, Peecurd wasn¡¯t entirely surprised that the guy reminded him of his best friend¡¯s Jewish grandfather in a sparkly blue suit and molded forehead that remind him of a elevation map at Yellowstone Park. Captain Peecurd walked up to the dignitary and said. ¡°Welcome to Star Cheap where we make travel to the stars cheap!¡± Stryker popped a champagne bottle and poured a glass for the guest. The alien looked down with disdain and pushed past him. ¡°Take me to my quarters,¡± the alien said. ¡°I wish to meditate.¡± ¡°While we get your luggage transferred,¡± Peecurd said. ¡°May I interest you in our premium buffet or perhaps a round on our 9-hole golf course on the VR deck?¡± ¡°I do not wish for leisure or food. I wish to meditate,¡± The digitary said more forcefully. ¡°He means what he says, captain.¡± Counselor Joy said. ¡°I think he wants to meditate.¡± ¡°Is there something wrong with Furgle Translate?¡± The alien said. ¡°I want to meditate!¡± ¡°No, no,¡± Peecurd said. ¡°Nothing wrong with that. LLM. Please show our guest to his quarters.¡± LLM popped a wide grin and held out his hand. He had an inhuman amount of teeth. The captain jumped and said. ¡°Sweet mother of God what is that?¡± LLM cocked his head. ¡°You mean my teeth? Do you like them?¡± He said. ¡°Artistry, LLM. Remember what I said about artistry, maybe learn something more basic before you move on to body parts.¡± ¡°I like his teeth,¡± the ambassador said. ¡°Ahh,¡± LLM said as they walked out the door. ¡°Then maybe you will be interested in how I made them. After studying several quadrillion human teeth¡­¡± After the dignitary was gone, Peecurd sighed and said. ¡°I¡¯m going to get out of this damned dress.¡± He walked out the door, then back in again and took the champagne bottle. ¡°I¡¯ll be in my quarters,¡± he said. *** A bottle of champaign,a new sensible spandex uniform later, and some breakfast cocktails later, he was sitting in his ready room staring at a picture of him with more hair and a blonde woman his age. He had a half drunk glass of whiskey, and the headache he¡¯d woken up with was almost numbed. His ready room was posh compared to his other postings. He had models of various ships on the wall all the way from the seafaring kind to the massive Interstellar Forces battlecruisers from another life. Back when being a captain meant something. Compared to his office in the IF vessels, the room was massive. He had a couch, chairs, and even a fish tank with a living fish in it. There was a bookshelf with real books, something hard to come by in deep space. By all accounts, he had an upgrade, but somehow, it didn¡¯t feel like it. There was a chirp of the coms. ¡°Yes,¡± Peecurd said. ¡°There¡¯s a priority one call from Star Cheap Headquarters.¡± Peecurd sighed. ¡°Put them through.¡± A man appeared on the screen. He wore a Star Cheap Fleet Admiral¡¯s uniform and had slicked back hair. He had a backdrop of a couple standing on the beach on an alien planet with a purple sky. They were holding hands, and the words, ¡°Travel to the stars, cheap!¡± were prominently displayed. ¡°Drinking on duty again?¡± The admiral said and Peecurd realized that he had neglected to use one of the company approved backgrounds for the call. During his life in the IF, they were discouraged from using backgrounds. As a result of the years seeing people in their own offices, Peecurd couldn¡¯t shake the feeling that Admiral Archer was hiding something. Peecurd sipped his whiskey. ¡°Buttering up the dignitaries is part of the job description.¡± ¡°That¡¯s why I¡¯m calling,¡± Archer said. ¡°I don¡¯t see any value-adds coming through. He¡¯s been on your ship, what? Two hours, and no value-adds?¡± ¡°He¡¯s meditating in his quarters.¡± ¡°Fucking people in steerage buy a glass of water after two hours in one of our vessels and you can¡¯t even manage one value-add.¡± ¡°We tried. He didn¡¯t even want the complimentary champagne.¡± ¡°We are two bad quarters away from the whole company going bankrupt, and you can¡¯t even manage one value-add. Fucking leave a pastry cart outside his door, get that pretty little engineer you got to make eyes at him. I don¡¯t care what you have to do. Get me that fucking value-add by the of end of the day or you will be sucking on IF disability in the under city.¡± The connection dropped, and Peecurd gave a middle finger to the blank screen. Peecurd tapped his com line to the bridge. ¡°Stryker.¡± ¡°Yes, Captain,¡± Stryker said. ¡°Looks like our orders came through.¡± ¡°Archer¡¯s being an asshole again, sir?¡± ¡°Yeah,¡± Peecurd said. ¡°Don¡¯t worry, sir. We¡¯ll get the value-add.¡± ¡°I can always count on you. I¡¯ll be out in a moment,¡± Peecurd said and took the rest of his whiskey in one shot. He looked up and almost fell backward in his seat. A probe hovered in his ready room. It was a black sphere with machine parts and sensors jutting out at impossible angles. It whirred and gyrated in a mind bending impossibility that made Peecurd nauseous to even think about. Before he could even think about calling his chief of security, red lights flashed and pointed towards him. A wide beam went from the alien machine through his desk and started at his toes. His feet, calves, and thighs all disappeared in succession. He barely had the time to think that maybe he should cut back on his drinking when his torso, neck, and head followed. EP1 - 2 – Physics Shmysics Stryker sat on the left most of three comfy chairs in the middle of the bridge. They were red synthetic leather and could completely recline, came with a massage feature, a drink dispenser, and had a privacy forcefield feature the previous owners of the Second Prize had installed. It didn¡¯t take too much to imagine the uses of a fully reclinable massage chair with a privacy dome in the middle of a bridge of a starship. The rest of the stations had regular chairs with the standard drink holders. At the front of the bridge, there was the helm and ops and going around the room, there was the science station, tactical, communications, and another one with lots of blinking lights, screens, and controls that no one really knew what it was for, but there was a crew member there nonetheless. No one really knew the crew member¡¯s name who was posted at the unknown station, but they had been there since the maiden voyage and the captain seemed to think they were important to the operations of the ship so most people just left it alone. As the second in command, Styker would make a point to learn the crew member¡¯s name or at least ask the captain, as he should know the ship inside and out. However, he had a more important task than figuring out the identity of the unknown crew member, he had to get a particularly austere alien creature to purchase upgrades. ¡°The cards say that he will soon go on a long journey,¡± Couslensor Joy said. She sat on the other side of the captain in the third luxury chair and used the fold out table feature to spread her Tarot cards to help her psychic ability. ¡°He¡¯s already on a long journey,¡± Stryker said. ¡°We are taking him to Common III. Helm, how long at curve factor 8 will it take to get to Common III?¡± Curve speed was named for the fact that starships would ride the curvature of space like a wave by bending time and space around it. Luckily, the inventor of Curve Drive Engine completely forgot Einstein''s equations so they didn¡¯t have to deal with any inconveniences of traveling at relativistic speeds such as the twin left on Earth aging 80 years or inconveniences like cosmic speed limits. The engineers who invented the teleporter pad realized that omitting inconvenient physics also helped with the inconvenient fact that when matter is disassembled and reassembled by a teleporter the original is destroyed and a copy is created in the other location. So rather than murdering people and letting their clones run around on the planet, only to murder the clones and have new clones run the ship when they come back, the engineers could just make a little whoopsie with the physics, and allow a person to be disassembled and reassembled in another location and not violate any laws by sensible physicists. Thus an entirely new branch of flexible physics was created when it was convenient to the plot, like traveling at Curve 8 not causing any weird time dilation effects. ¡°Two weeks,¡± Ted said, fully confident that two weeks would also pass for anyone outside of their reference frame. Ted wore a uniform with the yellow accents of the rank and file Star Cheap employee. He was a decent enough pilot but slurped the last of his chocolate shakes. Since Star Cheap encouraged their employees to mix work with leisure, he brought a chocolate shake to work every day and would sometimes slurp it at inopportune times. ¡°Maybe the trip back is the long journey!¡± Squealed Counselor Joy. ¡°What we need to do¡­¡± Stryker ventured, ¡°is find out what he likes to do on vacation.¡± ¡°But he¡¯s not on holiday.¡± LLM said from the ops station. ¡°He is High Jopnop of the Thorsolian Alliance, a religi-oligarch. They practice Austerism and seek divinity by wanting for nothing.¡± ¡°That¡¯s the keyword, oligarch. He has money, and we need to tap into that money while he is here.¡± ¡°How do you get a person who wants for nothing to buy something?¡± ¡°He bought a ticket on our vessel, didn¡¯t he?¡± ¡°That¡¯s because he has to get to the conclave of the Jopnops on Common III.¡± ¡°Everyone has something they want, we just have to figure it out.¡± Before they could ponder any further, an alert flared up on the tactical station. Security Chief Gwarf, a sasquatch from the planet Earth wearing the black security uniform, tapped on the screen and said, ¡°There is a strange energy reading coming from the Captain''s ready room.¡± ¡°Go check on him,¡± Stryker said, and Gwarf moved to comply. Contrary to popular belief, sasquatches did not have a funny gate as depicted in the late 20th century photographs. Those photographs were wookies, the most famous of which landed a supporting role in a popular 20th century film franchise. The wookies were a distant North American cousin. The sasquatch were native to Siberia and not discovered until climate change had allowed Russia to hold burning man festivals and the first ever sasquatch caught on film was videoed telling the festival goers to ¡°turn it down because he had work in the morning.¡± Sasquatches were legendary for their tempers and Gwarf was no exception as his prime method of dealing with any situation was evisceration. While humans were the most prolific of races and often compared by the rest of the galaxy as bunnies or may flies, just eating and fucking their way through life. The other native sentient species of Earth such as the reptile people who lived in the center of earth, the sasquatches and all their cousins like wookies and yetis, the bird people of Mount Shasta, and all the others in the remote areas of just about every continent on Earth, weren¡¯t nearly has reproductively robust and not discovered by humans until the former United States in a historic moment, actually passed a bipartisan bill. Unauthorized use of content: if you find this story on Amazon, report the violation. The ¡°Find Them Aliens Act of 2053¡± funded expeditions around the world to look for immigrants to deport and found other sentient lifeforms, which was generally counted as a win because they found entirely new groups to remove from the planet. Launching yetis into space revitalized the space race and ushered humanity into a brave new area of monetizing other planets. The windfall of economic activity allowed private industry to buy Earth¡¯s bankrupted governments. Through mergers, consolidations, corporate takeovers, etc., the entire Earth government was owned by Amagoogfaceapple or Fapple for short. Gwarf was placing explosive charges on the locks for the Captain¡¯s office when the door slid open and the captain came out. His ball-et (bald mullet) was pulled back in a ponytail which was unusual for the captain. The man normally wore it with a true party in the back. Stryker dismissed it as the man toning down his look for the benefit of their guest. ¡°Is there something wrong?¡± the captain asked. ¡°No,¡± Gwarf said and began to pack up his munitions. ¡°Ah, number one,¡± the captain said and strode across the room to Stryker. ¡°Number two,¡± Stryker said. ¡°You¡¯re number one.¡± ¡°Ah yes,¡± Captain Peecurd said. ¡°What I mean to say is you¡¯re my number one man. How fast can this ship go?¡± ¡°We¡¯ve gotten to Curve 9.6 during stress testing.¡± ¡°Do you think we can get to Curve 9.8?¡± ¡°Theoretically but it¡¯s never been tried, even by the IF.¡± ¡°Then let¡¯s be the first. Make it so.¡± ¡°I must remind you that Star Cheap guidelines doesn¡¯t permit flying any guest faster than Curve 8 as the fuel cost to time saving ratio¨C¡± LLM said. ¡°I¡¯m aware of the guidelines. Ted. Engage.¡± ¡°Yes, sir,¡± Ted said and dialed in the command. The stars on the view screen shot past at a faster rate. Once the speed ticked up to Curve 9.2, the ship began to shake. Because accelerating anything beyond 9.2 took enormous amounts of power, it would take a little time even to get to 9.3. Stryker decided to get to the bottom of it before he would have to worry about keeping the ship together. ¡°Captain,¡± Stryker asked. ¡°Can I talk to you in your ready room?¡± ¡°Of course!¡± Peecurd said with a smile. ¡°My door is always open.¡± *** Peecurd stood in front of his fish tank watching the water ripple from the vibrating ship. Stryker stood and waited for the Captain to speak. After a while, Peecurd turned to him, and said. ¡°Do you trust me number one?¡± ¡°Two, I¡¯m two,¡± Stryker said. ¡°But yeah, we served together for years in the IF. People die when you can¡¯t trust your fellow soldiers.¡± ¡°Then you need to trust me now. Sometimes we do things because we must, not because we like it.¡± ¡°What about the value-add?¡± ¡°I¡¯m sure you¡¯ll figure that part out.¡± ¡°Do you mind if I ask what we are doing? It will go a long way in reassuring the crew.¡± ¡°All I can say is that it¡¯s a priority and the orders come direct from Star Cheap. Now, is there anything else?¡± ¡°No sir,¡± Stryker said and left the office. *** Captain Peecurd woke up with a pounding headache on a metal bed. His stomach lurched and he looked around for anything that resembled a toilet or a sink. While aliens across the galaxy were generally human-like bipeds, interior design philosophy didn¡¯t evolve parallel to Earth and the two holes in a center platform in the middle of the room had an equal chance of fulfilling his needs. Not having the luxury to explore, he vomited into the nearest hole. ¡°That¡¯s the food dispenser,¡± A blue alien with the aforementioned forehead ridges wearing a gray cloak sat on a bed identical to Peecurd¡¯s. There were two other beds in the room that were empty. A door with an alien control panel was located between the two empty ones. Above the only exit was either a camera, laser, or both, and the control panel was in an alien language that was not detected by Fapple Translate. All Star Cheap employees were injected with nanomachines that would allow them to hear and read all known languages in their native tongue. Frapple Translate was one of Earth¡¯s first exports as entire alien religions finally wanted to know what they were saying in Breakfast at Tiffany¡¯s. Unfortunately, religions'' tendency to make up information for anything they didn¡¯t know had caused many holy wars making the Breakfast at Tiffany¡¯s franchise some of the bloodiest films of all time. The room was devoid of anything else other than the table in the middle that had a hole for waste and other for food. Not that Peecurd was very hungry at the moment. ¡°Water,¡± he gasped. ¡°Where do we get water?¡± The blue alien pointed to the hole that he had used to eject his stomach contents. Peecurd sat back on the bed holding his head. ¡°Maybe the prison guards will bring you water?¡± the blue alien suggested. ¡°Though, there haven¡¯t been any guards since I¡¯ve been here.¡± ¡°How long have you been here?¡± Peecurd said. ¡°About five days.¡± ¡°How did you get here?¡± ¡°I was just minding my own business, collating papers, have you ever collated paper? It¡¯s quite relaxing. I¡¯m level 32 in Office Sim 10. I really love Earth games. Do you play Earth games? What am I saying? You¡¯re an Earthling, of course you play them.¡± ¡°You know that Frapple is just getting free labor out of you.¡± ¡°The subscription fee isn¡¯t all that bad.¡± ¡°That¡¯s even worse! Now you were playing a video game, and then what happened.¡± The captain steered the conversation back on course. ¡°Right so I was playing a game and when I took my headset off there was this spherical probe. Right in the middle of my living room! It shot this beam at me, thought I was getting scanned. And I was thinking that maybe this was it. This was finally my chance to get an anal probe. Do all humans get anal probes? What am I saying? Of course you get anal probes, you¡¯re human! But instead of being abducted, I ended up here. Hey, why aren¡¯t you wearing a dress?¡± ¡°I think you were abducted,¡± Peecurd said. ¡°Oh goodie? Do you think they¡¯ll give us an anal probe?¡± ¡°I think it¡¯s a little more sinister than that,¡± Peecurd said and glanced at the weapon above the door. Instead of pointing at the room, it was pointed at him. EP1 - 3 - To Boldly Not Go The chances of Stryker snagging any value-adds was diminishing with every decimal point above curve 9.3. The meter was at 9.37 and the shaking of the ship had already reached a point that earned him a trip to the guest quarters. He stepped into the ship elevator and it whisked him away to the guest deck of the shift. In a world where transporters existed, obsolete technology like elevators and stairs should have disappeared, but despite the absolute assurance that transporters weren¡¯t murdering people and putting exact replicas in place, people still used the old fashioned ways of travel. It wasn¡¯t like there was any way of proving that Stryker wasn¡¯t dying and being replaced by a clone everytime he transported just as there was no real way to prove that the first time he existed was when he entered the elevator. Since humans could only experience the present, and never the past or the future, they had to assume all the events that led him to enter the elevator already happened. If Stryker were living in a simulation, then how would he know that the entire program hadn¡¯t started with him entering the elevator? Or what if he were in an alien mind prison and everything about his life was fabricated? There were many possible reasons why humans, always trapped in the present, may not think reality is what it is. For all Styker knew, he could be a character in a story being read by a person who is another character in a story being written by another person who is a character in a story, and so forth. However, instead of pondering existence, he preferred to deal with only what he could deal with in the present, which was a call from an angry VIP traveler. The elevator stopped, dinged, and wished him a fabulous day. The computer was less sterile than the processing powerhouses of the IF ships, and programmed to be a digital concierge. He stepped in the hall and walked through the luxurious corridors of the guest space. Most IF ships were built for functionality with smoothed hallways with no sharp edges incase of sudden changes of gravity. Though most sudden changes in gravity turned crew members not strapped down into puddles of goo. By comparison, the guest area would create a lot of moving projectiles if the ship ever had to change its acceleration quickly. There were plants and water fountains. Music played gently that could be customized by the guests to taste but hadn¡¯t been altered from the default soothing tone. There were food stations that could create anything and would rotate between popular items when not in use. Had Striker been on one of his old combat ships, the little forks next to the lemon bars would be a death wish for anyone strolling through the corridor. Despite his unease at all the unsecured items like the decorative rock pond with an iridescent frog, he had gotten used to it. The Second Prize had a weapons loadout because Star Cheap had bought it on police auction and the vessel had been a drug smuggling ship in its previous life. It was the right amount of decadence and battle ready to make the VIPs feel safe on their journey. Not that they had anything to worry about. Any space pirates with a mind to kidnap and ransom off one of their guests also had the entire IF fleet to worry about as Earth based companies were considered under the protection of the IF. They certainly paid the IF enough in space pirate insurance. That wasn¡¯t to say that there weren¡¯t thugs stupid or arrogant enough to target a vessel like the Second Prize, it just hadn¡¯t happened yet. Still, Stryker was always vigilant, and combat ready. He eventually made it to a large set of double doors at the end of the hall that were once the drug kingpin¡¯s personal quarters turned into luxury hotel suite. There were other rooms he had passed along the way were for the entourage of the VIP client, or sometimes filled with different parties depending on how much they paid, but the High Jopnop paid for the entire ship just for one person. Usually, people who paid for the entire ship were actors or musicians who traveled with their doctors, personal trainers, personal assistants, security guards, agents, managers, lawyers, family, tutors and nannies for the kids, cooks, and all the people hired just to ensure their life was consistent with an entire fridge of Colorado Spring Water no matter which room they happen to be just incase they wanted a drink. One guest in a ship that could easily support a hundred was making the value-add prospects slim at best. People with entourages were easy to upsell as everyone wanted something, and if one of the security guards wanted to upgrade to the soda package on the boss¡¯s dime, who was he to convince them otherwise, but an empty ship with a guy who¡¯s only communication since entering the ship was to ¡°speak to who¡¯s in charge, right away¡± wasn¡¯t a good setting. It also didn¡¯t help that the Captain had taken a supreme disinterest in their primary mission and had decided to spend the time waiting for the ship to finish accelerating to Curve 9.8 by playing Jipnuu with the grease monkeys down in Engineering. Jipnuu was a card game that was a mix between Poker and Go, played with tokens, 7 sided dice, and a 72 card Drakian deck. Striker didn¡¯t pretend to know all the rules of the game, but it was high stakes and many fortunes had been lost at playing Jipnuu. However, there was a Star Cheap regulation that capped the bets from employees even in personal games, so Jipnuu was mostly a rowdy game with a couple bucks exchanging hands. The Indentured Servitude Act of 2383 prevented employees doing work for other employees in effort to pay off personal debt, thus ensuring that corporations were the only ones who could own Indentured Servitude contracts. Generally anything that kept money out of the hands of Star Cheap had relegations including gambling that may prevent a crew to cash in future paychecks for shipboard services. He pressed a button on the panel to the suite and there was a chirp to alert the occupant inside of his presence. Stryker waited for a moment and then the door opened. ¡°Hello?¡± he said to no one in particular. He was too used to military vessels where someone would instruct him to come inside. However, civilians rarely followed military protocol and took the open door as an invitation. He wandered into the luxurious room that had plush orange couches and chairs for about twenty people, an infinity pool, a fireplace with brown reading chairs, and a full service bar that was just an atomic printer dressed up to look like a bar. There was a glass of water and a decanter on the bar. The atomic printers had access to every beverage in the galaxy, many that would produce value-ads and the guy had chosen water. Stryker called out but didn¡¯t get a response. Assuming that the man would not have chosen the hot tub room, he went to the bedroom. Inside the bedroom there were more dressers, chairs, a brick oven intended for firing pizzas and a fire pole that connected the previous occupant to a full scale shooting range that Star Cheap refitted to be a private gym. sauna, and spa. The previous occupant had a fascination with early human projectile weapons, and the bullet holes were hard to get out of the bulkhead, so the designers sort of worked them into the paint scheme. Their guest sat in the middle of a bed that could comfortably sleep five average sized humans, and even some more unusual aliens who were more or less humanoid in shape but just larger in size, once again distinguishing aliens by the forehead ridges. The High Jopnop¡¯s eyes were closed and his legs were folded while he meditated. Styker stood there for a moment then cleared his throat. Their guest opened his eyes. ¡°How do you expect me to reach Vishhashna with all this damned shaking?¡± He snapped with all the fury of man who probably rarely heard the word no and was probably used to lots of groveling from his underlings. ¡°I apologize for the inconvenience. We¡¯ve been directed by Star Cheap to make haste to your destination. Could I interested you in a VR deck experience¨C¡± ¡°I don¡¯t want any VR crap. I want peace and quiet and I can¡¯t get that with my teeth chattering in my skull.¡± ¡°Our VR chambers have many soothing¨C¡± ¡°You can tell your damn Captain to slow the damn vessel so I can get some damn mediation before I have to face the den of jackals that is the conclave of the High Joppnops. Now, run along, before I have you stripped of your rank and sent back to whatever bar they dredged you from.¡± This book is hosted on another platform. Read the official version and support the author''s work. The man waved him off and Stryker¡¯s blood boiled. No one would dare talk to an IF officer like that. But the Thorsolian Alliance was one of Star Cheap¡¯s biggest customers as being the budget transportation option of the galaxy. An entire civilization of people who¡¯d travel in a cabin the size of a coffin because it was the affordable interstellar option was big money for Star Cheap. Stryker muttered his compliance as he left the room and then the word, ¡°Prick¡± when he was out of earshot. ¡°Computer, locate captain Peecurd,¡± Stryker said. ¡°Captain Peecurd is not on this vessel,¡± the computer said. There wasn¡¯t any way a person could leave the vessel at the Curve speed, not unless that person enjoyed their atoms yanking apart and left like a breadcrumb trail. There were many easy ways to die in space but only two offered the chance to be stretched apart until all the atoms in the body popped their bonds. The first was diving into a black hole. The other was leaving the ship at curve speed. ¡°When did the captain leave the ship?¡± ¡°The captain is in Eleven Backward,¡± the computer said. Eleven Backward was the watering hole for the crew named because it was located in deck eleven at the ass end of the ship. ¡°Why did you say he wasn¡¯t on the ship?¡± ¡°At the time, my sensors didn¡¯t detect him on the ship, but now it does.¡± Stryker made a mental note to have Engineering check out the glitch. He couldn¡¯t afford any problems not with Jopnop Asshat on board. Stryker made his way to the lift and then said, ¡°deck 11¡± when he got inside. *** Peecurd thanked his lucky stars that the feeding tube eventually went through a self cleaning cycle, and was at least able to get some water. Not that the water did much for his queasy stomach and pounding headache but it was something. The problem with living on a starship and having a drinking problem was there was very little time he had to deal with the consequences of his actions. Readily available medication meant that if he had one too many, the discomfort of the next day took only as long as the walk to an atomic printer. All the drugs were instantaneous relief and even though his liver was probably producing its own alcohol at this point, he kept it in steady supply. Peecurd hadn¡¯t always been a drinker. During his tour in the IF, he only touched the stuff on social occasions, and then maybe a drink or two. The heavy drinking didn¡¯t start till he lost his commission and his wife on the same day. He knew that he was cliche but didn¡¯t really care, the less he had time to think the happier he was. Now that he was in an alien prison, all he had was time to think. Not that he could do much of it between the pounding head and the alien cellmate who wouldn¡¯t shut up with stupid questions about human culture. ¡°Which do you think is better? George RR Martin¡¯s ending to Game of Thrones? The TV show¡¯s ending? Or the AI replica of George RR Martin that was built to write the ending while they were waiting for the author to finish the series?¡± Peecurd only wanted to close his eyes and said. ¡°I never saw the series, or read the books.¡± ¡°I thought they were required reading in your schools like the bible or the Beyonce scriptures.¡± ¡°Earth has lots of religions.¡± ¡°Wait? The Church of Swift doesn¡¯t control the whole planet?¡± ¡°They are powerful, but we have separation between church and state. Fapple learned that it¡¯s more profitable to sell to all religions than favoring one. That still doesn¡¯t stop Swifties from passing religious law, but I think that¡¯s always been a part of politics all the way to the first ape who realized it was more profitable to sell the rocks rather than throw them.¡± ¡°Do all humans have revelations in high school that make you so wise? Like the great Molly Ringwald, blessed be her name.¡± The alien did a combination of a cross and wavy hand dance popularized in the late twenty-first century.¡± ¡°What? You mean John Hughes movies? Those are¡­ nevermind. Humans just enjoy fiction is all.¡± ¡°Fict Shawn?¡± The concept of fiction was scarce in the galaxy. Most aliens who evolved the capacity for fiction wiped themselves out of existence before they developed the curve drive engine. When leaders of precurve civilizations made policy decisions based on fiction rather than fact, they usually ended up wiping themselves from existence. For example, the Groglitdies of KRS-One V were a precurve society who nuked themselves out of existence when they thought nuclear winter would fix their climate change issues created by industrialized society. The Dodadorians from Bun B II turned their entire planet into paperclips when the top brass were convinced that coding ethics into AI was for suckers, and the Eeezzzoocrus from Minaj III all died of preventable infectious disease. Humans were one of the rare exceptions that against all odds, they limped out of their precurve age and joined the interstellar community despite the human¡¯s propensity to believe in fiction. While there was no rule preventing interstellar species from contact precurve civilizations, most races didn¡¯t do it because there was very little profit to be made from precurve planets because the entire GDP of most precurve societies were equivalent to the peanuts line item on the Star Cheap budget. Most precurve civilizations developed on their own, not because of high minded idealism, but rather because precurve cultures were the equivalent of driving to the remotest desert on Earth, finding an ant hill, and attempting to sell flood insurance to the local residents. Generally considered not worth the effort. Thus, Captain Peecurd was used to dealing with aliens that had very limited senses of humor, often understood humans entirely from pop-culture and cat memes, and had about as much understanding of sarcasm as potato does of shepherd''s pie. Which was why when a big and hairy ape-lizard-man-she-he-pod creature from Kayne III appeared in a shimmer of yellow light on one of the empty beds and Peecurd said ¡°Just our luck,¡± the blue alien, named Zank, said, ¡°Yippie!¡± and promptly got his arm torn off by an angry ape-lizard-man-he-she-pod creature. ¡°Why did you bring me here?¡± the ape-lizard-man-he-she-pod creature growled, which we will now be referred to as Fin because the entity¡¯s name is Fin. It should also be noted that it looked more or less like a gorilla wearing a lizard costume or a lizard wearing a gorilla costume depending on the beholder¡¯s perspective. Also the term man was used to describe its shape not gender. Despite having no outwardly distinct gender identifiers, Fin got quite incensed when the gender was misidentified. He/she pronouns were always used when encountering residents of Kayne III for anyone who enjoyed keeping their limbs. Also, pod was to describe that they were a race rather fond of airpods. Peecurd, who had dealt with Fin¡¯s people before, raised his hands and said, ¡°We mean you no harm!¡± ¡°He certainly meant me harm!¡± Zank squealed as he attempted to staunch the blue blood of spurting out of the socket where his arm used to be. For reasons mentioned above, Fin roared and tore Zanks another arm from his socket. ¡°Be careful with your pronouns,¡± Peecurd said. ¡°He/she is very sensitive about gender identification.¡± Fin tossed the limbs to the side, and Zank dove on to them. He tried to pop them back into the sockets, which was a challenge without functional arms and involved a lot of squirming, wriggling, and wrangling. ¡°What I hate more than gender stereotypes is being kidnapped,¡± Fin said with a predatory smile and Peecurd held his ground as the creature advanced on him. Kanyeians were known for exceptional strength and it was a fight Peecurd wouldn¡¯t win, but they also respected bravery, so standing his ground was his best option for keeping both his limbs intact. ¡°If I were the one kidnapping you,¡± Peecurd said. ¡°Would I be so foolish as to put you in the same cell as me?¡± ¡°Perhaps you are playing a sick psychological game.¡± ¡°Perhaps, but wouldn¡¯t an intelligent person such as yourself see through it?¡± ¡°I have seen all the Saw documentaries.¡± ¡°There you have it. If I was a mastermind who¡¯s ultimate goal is to get you to saw your own leg off, would I be foolish enough to be in the room with you while you pummeled me to death with that leg?¡± ¡°I do enjoy pummeling people to death with limbs.¡± ¡°Clearly, so maybe you can help us get out of here? That door might not be able to withstand your strength.¡± ¡°I wouldn¡¯t do that if I were you,¡± Zank said, who now had both of his arms back. Other than the mess the blood had made, it looked like he had escaped his encounter with Fin unscathed. ¡°Regeneration?¡± Peecard said, looking at the arms. ¡°Oh, nothing so sophisticated,¡± Zank said. ¡°My people just have interchangeable parts like your Mr. Potato Head doll.¡± As if to test the theory, Fin tore off Zank¡¯s leg, and the blue alien toppled to the ground but not before cracking his head on the corner of the bed. ¡°That doesn¡¯t mean we don¡¯t feel pain though,¡± Zank said in a muffled voice. Fin tossed the leg back. ¡°No wonder they came off so easily. I usually have to work at it for limb removal. I can demonstrate.¡± Fin reached for Peecurd and he cut him/her off. ¡°Maybe you should conserve your strength for the door.¡± ¡°That wouldn¡¯t be wise,¡± Zank said. ¡°As I was about to say, that little nozzle up there.¡± He pointed to the weapon/camera above the door. ¡°It zaps you if you try to muck with it. I know. I attempted to fiddle with the controls when I first got here.¡± ¡°I¡¯m not afraid of any paltry ray gun,¡± Fin said and attempted to force the door. After a few moments a green beam shot from the device and blew Fin across the room. Lucky for Peecurd and Zank, the ill-tempered creature was knocked unconscious. Peecurd held his pounding head.