《I said i needed space. So my wife killed me and makes me pay alimony in the next life.》 Till Debt Do Us Part Peter always knew that marriage was risky. Every one of his friends who got married said it was a gamble. Thankfully, he had seen all their screw-ups and knew he¡¯d be fine. The problem was that nobody could warn him about one thing -that his wife wasn¡¯t a bitch, but a witch. Well actually she was a bitchy witch, but let¡¯s not get ahead of ourselves too fast. At first, it was easy to dismiss all the weird things that had happened. His coffee was always the perfect temperature, even if he had left it sitting out for an hour. Their groceries never seemed to run out even though he was certain he hadn¡¯t gone to the store in weeks. The way Lilliana¡¯s eyes glowed just slightly whenever she was irritated at his forgetfulness? That¡¯s just the way the light reflected off her widened pupils. Love makes people overlook a lot. Unfortunately, even a blind carpenter picks up a hammer and saw occasionally, noticing the cracks in a building. It all came to a head one evening when Peter, watching a sports rerun for the third time, muttered something he would regret forever.¡± ¡°You know, babe. Sometimes I feel like I just need a little space.¡± Like an arctic storm in Alaska, the air shifted in the room. Immediately, the temperature dropped by at least twenty degrees. Glancing up from the TV, Pete saw Lilliana standing in the doorway, arms crossed, and an eyebrow arched so high he thought it was trying to escape to the moon. Her dark hair seemed to be moving slightly, even though he was sure the fan was off and there was no breeze. ¡°Space?¡± she repeated, her voice so smooth it could have been a polished piece of marble. Like an idiot, Peter kept talking. ¡°Yeah. Just¡­ I don¡¯t know, sometimes to clear my head. You know, to think things through. Maybe, like, a trial separation? Like on one of those reality shows you don¡¯t like.¡± The silence that stretched on for a few moments felt like a graveyard at night. Not the normal kind of silence, but one where a movie would have some ominous or foreboding music start to play right after. Taking a deep breath, Lilliana let it out slowly. ¡°A trial separation,¡± she echoed, cocking her head to the side. ¡°You say you want space?¡± Peter felt the lump in his throat, and trying to swallow it felt impossible. Uh¡­ why is my body tingling? That sensation was one of the rare times Peter could hear the small voice in his head that he often ignored, calling out, ¡°DEFCON 5! I REPEAT, WE ARE AT DEFCON 5!¡± ¡°Uh¡­¡± he paused, sensing the room beginning to darken. ¡°I mean, maybe¨C¡± Lifting her hand, Lilliana frowned and snapped her fingers. It was this Thursday night in April that changed Peter¡¯s world completely. *** One moment, he was sitting in that lazy boy recliner that always felt perfect. The next all he could see was a swirling vorex of blue and purple energy below him. The wind rushed around him as he hurtled toward the menacing-looking storm, wondering where he was in Kansas. [ SYSTEM NOTICE: Your marriage has been annulled by magical decree ] [ Divorce Settlement Initiated ] [ Processing... Allocating financial penalties... Assessing income potential¡­ ] Peter screamed like a banshee, though it was mostly out of principle and not that he was scared. His limbs flailed uselessly as he hurtled toward the void. [ Calculations complete! ] Stolen content warning: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences. The entire time as weird notifications on a red box appeared in his vision, he tried to grasp what was going on. Did she hit me with something? Am I having a seizure? An aneurysm? A new notification popped up which really made things hit home. [ Peter, you have been assigned the Class: Alimony Adventurer! ] [ Your debt to Liliana must be paid daily in gold. Failure to meet your quota will result in¡­ ] [ Consequences ] ¡°WHAT?!¡± Peter shouted in the swirling vortex. ¡°Divorce doesn¡¯t work like this! I¡¯ve seen a divorce! I know how it works!¡± Another notification appeared. [ Correction: This is exactly how divorce works when married to an Arch-Witch of the Rose Order. Terms are non-negotiable. Have a nice afterlife. ] He barely had time to process the words that appeared before him before he hit the ground like a sack of rotten apples. The impact knocked him senseless and with each passing second Peter prayed he would wake up and see some doctor shining a light in his eyes. Groaning, he rolled over onto his back and blinked at the blinding light. A brief flicker of hope came and passed like gas after a bean burrito, and a weird reality began to set in. Up above was a sky with deep shades of violet and two twin moons. ¡°Uh¡­¡± Peter muttered, rubbing his head. ¡°Okay¡­ Peter¡­ you¡¯re fine, you just gota¨C¡± He stopped talking, realizing that he was not fine. Glancing at himself, he saw that his clothes were gone. His A-Team t-shirt was gone and the pair of blue jeans he would wear 24/7 if he could were no more. Instead, he was wearing something that looked like a cheap RPG protagonist starter pack in the games he played occasionally late at night with Bob. A worn tunic, a leather belt with only one notch, and boots that made a squishing sound when he put pressure on them. I guess the thief class isn¡¯t an option in these boots. Sitting up, Peter grunted and then groaned when a new notification appeared. [ New Status Effect Acquired! ] His eye began to twitch, basically the same way, anytime his mother-in-law, who he always thought was a witch and turned out to be one, at the mention of her name. ¡°This is some utter bullsh¨C¡± Before he could finish his thoughts, another notification took his breath away. [ Welcome to the Kingdom of Hellion! ] [ As part of your magical divorce settlement, you will begin your new life here. ] [ Your first payment is due in 12 hours. ] ¡°First payment?! I JUST GOT HERE!¡± Peter shouted as he jumped to his feet, looking up at the purple sky. Another message appeared and this one stung a little. [ Good luck, sucker. Next time don¡¯t ask for space from a witch. ] A groan escaped his mouth and Peter glanced around at his surroundings. Like so many shows and games he had played, he was standing in a field just outside of what looked like a medieval town. Not that far from him was a large wooden sign. ¡°Welcome to Grindville: Where Your Hard Work Never Stops!¡± Mother clucker¡­ It was at this moment Peter understood what had just taken place. I¡¯ve been Isekai¡¯d into a labor economy. He wanted to stand there, shake his fist at the sky, stomp his feet or do something, yet in the corner of his vision was a timer and it was ticking away. Like water torture, everyone he watched vanish made him wince, spurring him into action. Dusting himself off and surprised at the amount that actually fell from him, Peter started to make his way toward the town. A road leading in and out of it was bustling with people, all clad in simple medieval attire. No one said anything, though a few frowned as he made his way along the road, knowing he was staring at everything like some wide-eyed doe. The smell made him long for his two scent-changing plugins back home as sweat, crap, and other stuff he couldn¡¯t quite make out yet would swear he could somehow taste assaulted his nose. Vendors were lining the streets, signs over them announcing what they sold. Many were calling out to others like himself moving up and down the street, always trying to get someone to stop by. Even though Peter knew he shouldn¡¯t be, he was surprised to see things like blacksmiths, weapons, magical supplies, alchemy, and other things that registered as impossible. I guess being here and seeing these things shouldn¡¯t be all that shocking. The sound of shouting and then two bodies flying through the air caught his attention as a two-headed ogre tossed a pair of men from outside what had to be a tavern. ¡°The Two-Headed Ogre Tavern¡± Shaking his head at the sign and the apparent proprietor of the establishment, he moved quickly away from the scene, trying not to get run over by a wagon or tossed around town by something twice his size. Everything cost money and he knew he needed to make some so as he walked, he spotted the most glorious sign he could imagine. ¡°Sal¡¯s Lawyer Shop - When You Can¡¯t Afford to pay, Sal saves the day!¡± A lawyer! Why if I can¡­ Knowing he didn¡¯t have a dime.. Or copper or gold or whatever they used here for money to his name, Peter wasn¡¯t dumb enough to join the crowd of people on a covered porch all waiting their turn. He had bills to pay and needed to find out how to do that. Just a hundred yards away a flicker of light caught his eye and he saw the solution. ¡°Grindville Adventurers Guild¡± If there was one thing he had learned from Japanese animation and roleplaying games, the only chance he had at surviving in this world Isabella had sent him to, lay inside that stone building. Inside his chest, something began to build and Peter knew he had found the hope he needed. Instead, a large amount of purple and black vomit came forth, covering the dirt road in a dazzling display of liquid. Laughter came from many around him as he wiped his mouth, surprised by the blueberry flavor. ¡°Newbie,¡± a tall man who looked like a scarecrow said. ¡°You best get you a job quick. Odds are your in for a rough patch. While the crowd around him began to laugh, Peter started to jog, ignoring the taste and sound that told him how true those words were. He had bills to pay and a bitch witch of an ex-wife to try and escape from. Chapter 2 - Adventure Time Despair struck as Peter found himself inside the stone building. All around him men and women moved, each looking like someone had kicked them in the privates, no one really excited about whatever task they were taking on or having just completed. Only one guy who strode in, all decked out in shiny gold armor seemed to be happy, moving to a counter that no one else approached, vanishing from his sight. Before him was a wooden board with tons of tattered parchments, all with jobs for him and others to apparently attempt. Apparently was the keyword as Peter didn¡¯t know what he should try. GUILD JOBS:
  1. Rat Hunter! - 10 Copper
  2. Goblin Hunter! - 5 Silver
  3. Dungeon Courier - 1 Gold per trip
He felt his eyes narrowing as he read three that were all stacked in a row. Rats feel kind of¡­ low¡­ and goblins¡­ well those are like what every hero starts with, right? And what the hell is Dungeon Courier? Like delivering letters or something else to the people in a dungeon? Stroking his chin and wishing he had some hair on it, Peter began to reach out to tug on the quest for one gold. ¡°Uh, you sure you want to do that?¡± Glancing to his side, he saw the top of some hair and then looked down, feeling his jaw drop at what stood before him. ¡°A dwarf?¡± ¡°Yeah. Got a problem with that?¡± As the muscular but stumpy dwarf moved to get in his space, Peter held up a hand to stop them. Gently, he pushed against their chest, frowning as something felt off. ¡°If you don¡¯t take your hand off my breast, I¡¯m going to stick my foot so far up your¨C¡± ¡°SORRY!¡± Peter exclaimed, taking a few steps back and trying to figure out what he had missed. ¡°You¡­ you got a beard! And you¡¯re a woman.¡± ¡°Gah, are all humans idiots or just the men?¡± the dwarf grunted as she frowned, stroking her brown beard slowly. ¡°Uh¡­ I¡¯m not sure how to answer that one. But¡­ a beard¡­ you¨C¡± ¡°Yes¡­ I have a beard, breasts, and other parts we won¡¯t talk about. Perhaps I should have let you grab that job, but now I realize you are completely lost. Tell me you read the description on it.¡± Grimacing, Peter moved back to the paper and leaned in close, seeing the small words underneath the larger ones. ¡°Deliver one package to the local dungeon¡¯s merchant. No combat required. 1 Gold reward.¡± ¡°Seems easy enough,¡± he stated, ripping the paper from the board. Immediately, a cold sensation came over him, like someone had poured ice water down his back. ¡°Uh¡­ what the heck was that?¡± Sighing, the dwarf shook her head. ¡°The job is yours, you took it, now you gotta do it.¡± ¡°Wait, what?¡± Peter asked, holding the paper in his hand. ¡°You can¡¯t be serious. I mean, what if I took that one for 100 gold over there?¡± A chuckle came from the woman as she pointed at the one with a pack of one hundred ogres on it. ¡°Well¡­ you would die. I mean¡­ it wouldn¡¯t even be pretty.¡± ¡°And if I die?¡± Peter asked. Sighing, the dwarf grimaced a little. ¡°Depends on why you are here and the debt you owe¡­ I¡¯m Batrire by the way.¡± ¡°Peter. I¡¯m here because uh¡­ my wife sent me here for alimony.¡± A grimace that could have scared off children appeared on the woman¡¯s face and she came close, patting his arm. ¡°I¡¯m sorry to hear. It¡¯s been good to know you. Was she a witch?¡± Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on the original website. ¡°A bitchy witch, yes.¡± Laughter that sounded like Santa might make came from her mouth four times. ¡°Oh you poor poor thing. Now then, pull up your sleeve and think about her for a moment,¡± Batrire said. ¡°I want to see your mark.¡± ¡°My what?¡± ¡°Just do it. You show me yours, I¡¯ll show you mine.¡± Her grin and wink made him feel uncomfortable, yet ignoring the voice in his head he did just what she had said. Rolling up his sleeve and thinking of Lilliana made a mark appear on his forearm. ¡°Ew¡­ the Mark of Matrimonial Doom!¡± Batrire exclaimed. ¡°That means yer an Alimony Adventurer. And that¡¯s why you need gold fast.¡± Nodding, Peter sighed. ¡°So uh¡­ you going to show me yours?¡± Batrire winked and shook her head. ¡°If you make it back from that job, perhaps. I can¡¯t do it in here or I¡¯ll get fined and I already owe enough money. So take that paper to the counter over there with the ugly elf and if you survive, you can find me at the Drunken Dwarf Tavern tonight.¡± With those words said, she turned and moved away, whistling some song he remembered seven dwarves once singing. *** ¡°Next!¡± Thirty fricking minutes¡­ Not that he had stared at the timer the entire time he waited in line, Peter couldn¡¯t help but admire the female elf behind the counter. She wasn¡¯t ugly at all. Perfect silver hair, white teeth, and blue eyes that reminded him of the shower curtain in his bathroom. ¡°Uh, I want to do this quest,¡± he said quickly, putting the paper down on the wooden counter like all the others before him had. ¡°A dungeon delivery¡­ welp it¡¯s your life. Just make sure you don¡¯t die.¡± ¡°Die?!¡± Peter gasped. ¡°I thought this said no combat required!¡± ¡°You don¡¯t have to fight if you can make it past the bandits without being noticed. The Dungeon entrance is a mile south of town. Just try to avoid the bandits, and you¡¯ll be okay.¡± As she spoke, she pulled a wooden box the size of a football and slid it across the counter to him. ¡°Don¡¯t open it either or you lose half the reward, even if you successfully deliver it without problems.¡± Staring at the plain-looking box and then up at the woman, seeing her start to frown, Peter grabbed it and tucked it under his arm like an all-pro running back. ¡°Just a mile?¡± he asked. ¡°You¡¯ll see the big purple and black swirling portal. Once you get close, the owner will start to glow. Can¡¯t miss em. NEXT!¡± Sensing she was done with him, Peter turned and quickly made his way toward the exit, doing a little shake and bake around the others in the adventurers guild, warming up his moves. *** Three things immediately became clear the moment he got a little bit out of town. First, Peter realized he wasn¡¯t in as good a shape as he thought he was. The fact he had worn the same size jeans always made him feel like he was holding steady. Now, the truth that he had married a witch made him wonder if Lilliana had altered them somehow without him noticing. Second, the jog to the gate had left him gasping for air. He wanted to blame it on the chest he was carrying, but the truth was that it barely weighed more than five pounds. Thirdly, the elf had lied. Everyone had lied. The watch out for bandits was a massive understatement. Once he was four hundred yards from the city gates, the trees that lined the one side of the road suddenly had people on the outer edges. Elves, dwarfs, humans, maybe a goblin, perhaps just some ugly kid with green skin and hair, and half a dozen other races all seemed to be mingling about in groups of two or three. He did what he could, staying on the edge of the road opposite of them until he noticed others appearing in the large field on the other side. What the hell? It¡¯s like creatures are spawning in everywhere inside some game. Peter wondered if this was a dream or coma but the truth was the weapons the poorly bathed, teeth-missing individuals carried looked sharp enough to cut. With what he assumed was 800 yards to go, a bush the size of a garbage can on the side of the road shook and three masked figures stepped out of it somehow onto the road. Each of them wielded a very sharp-looking sword and one took a few steps closer to him. A sneer came as the masked bandit pointed his weapon at him. ¡°Give us the package and we won¡¯t gut you like a fish.¡± Peter¡¯s brain threatened to seize up but for once his uncanny use of comebacks that his friends complained about kicked in. ¡°What kind of fish?¡± The bandit¡¯s head shook in surprise and he waved his sword in the air again. ¡°What? What do you mean what kind of fish?¡± Standing there, trying not to appear as if he was working on an escape plan, Peter went all in. ¡°Like you know, there¡¯s all kinds of fish. You could be talking about a trout, which is small, so it''s a small gutting. Now a salmon is bigger, but it''s a special fish and you really don¡¯t want to ruin the meat, so you gut it carefully. And then of course one doesn¡¯t want to forget about the puffer fish. One wrong move and you¡¯ll kill yourself or anyone else who eats it if gutted wrong.¡± The three bandits all stood there, and after a few seconds they turned to face each other. ¡°What kind of fish, Ted?¡± ¡°How the hell do I know Dick? The boss said ¡®gut you like a fish,¡¯ not a specific one!¡± Glad that he spent way too many nights watching the cooking show instead of doing anything productive, Peter did what he knew this moment required. Some might have attacked but obviously those kinds of people were idiots. Peter ran. He got a head start and didn¡¯t look back, hearing their shouts as he tucked the chest under his arm, channeling his inner lazy boy chair guy to track star. As he ran, wondering how long it would take before a sword ended up in his back, a notification appeared. [ New Skill Acquired: Coward¡¯s Sprint (Passive) ] [ Effect: 20% faster movement speed when fleeing like an absolute coward. ] Somewhere, deep inside, he knew that many people might be insulted by that notification but Peter wasn¡¯t one of those men. Instead Peter smiled as he felt his legs moving faster, and up ahead he could see a purple and black swirling portal with what appeared to be an ogre standing on the road before it. He wanted to groan and call out to whatever god might have cursed him. He didn¡¯t because he knew full well it would go straight to Lilliana. Instead, Peter kept running like a coward, resisting the urge to cluck a few times as well. Slowly, as he approached the portal and the ogre, a soft golden glow appeared around the behemoth. Gasping for air and finally risking a glance backward, he saw that there wasn¡¯t anyone chasing him anymore. Gone were the three bandits. Immediately, he sensed his running speed slow down and almost tripped. Coming to fast walk, Peter drew big breaths, ignoring the ogre who was laughing, a massive hand in each pocket of his pants. ¡°This¡­ is yours¡­ I believe,¡± he said between breaths. Nodding, the ogre held out a hand and after taking the small box, somehow opened it without crushing it with his immense fingers. ¡°Ahh, perfect! Thank you, adventurer. I was getting hungry and wondered who might bring me lunch.¡± The groan Peter let out went on for a good ten seconds. The knowledge he almost died to deliver food to a hungry ogre didn¡¯t go to waste on him. Laughing, the monstrosity shoved the food in his mouth and then flicked a gold coin to him. ¡°Maybe I¡¯ll see you again tomorrow! Just remember to watch out for the bandits!¡± The gold coin came toward him, and with the same agility as a newborn baby, his hands missed it completely, so he chose to pick it up from the road instead. On the two sides of the coin was the image of a devil and on the other an angel. Well that¡¯s disturbing. Glancing back at the way he had just come, Peter paused and turned his attention back to the ogre. ¡°Uh¡­ are the bandit¡¯s going to be there?¡± ¡°Nah, now that you don¡¯t got my food, they don¡¯t care anymore. Besides, if you get past them, the odds are they¡¯ll get in trouble with their boss. The man¡¯s got a debt to pay off and he ain''t going to like not gettin paid.¡± Standing there, the thought of what this world he now lived on was really like, Peter frowned. Is everyone working to pay off a debt? What kind of slave labor place is this? Chapter 3 - Figuring The Afterlife Out Peter couldn¡¯t believe no one jumped out of the bush as he approached the halfway point back to town. Off where the woods were, some ruffian-looking beings stood, yet none gave him more than a casual glance. I guess they¡¯re part of a quest¡­ or a cult? Part of him wanted to smile. The other part wanted to find some cosmic, magical ray that would smite his ex, but somehow, he doubted they had such things here. Who knows¡­ maybe being a witch gives her access to those things. Lost in his thoughts, Peter found himself entering through the wide gates, dodging carts and the myriad of other races which somehow didn¡¯t seem to shatter his mind at the variety he now realized he saw. Were there this many when I first came in? It was like his eyes were open, and for the first time he realized he wasn¡¯t in Liberal, Kansas, anymore. Elves, dwarves, gnomes, demons or devils, Peter wasn¡¯t sure, ogres, half-ogres, two-headed ogres, and so many other fantasy races he recognized were all moving about. Most looked like the average person did while going through a workday, bound to a life of slavery in the corporate world. His mind raced and suddenly, his crotch felt like it was on fire. Fearing he had pulled something while running, Peter reached into his pocket, surprised to find that leather breaches had pockets, and found the burning sensation spread to his hand. Like a bad high school experience with Bengay in his jockstrap, he quickly yanked the offending object out of his pocket and saw the quest sheet he had taken off the board smoking. The moment it was free of his nether region it was engulfed in flames, like some cheap magician''s trick, except his fingers were blackened and scorched. Practicing the technique every man learns from his father, he shook his hand quickly and then stuck his fingers into his mouth. The nasty taste of black licorice immediately hit his tongue, and Peter began to spit, ignoring the chuckles of a few passersby. ¡°Newbie.¡± A sound went off in his head and while his hopes of a quick and painless aneurysm never came a string of new notifications did. [ Quest Complete ] [ Congratulations on completing your first quest. It¡¯s a surprise you didn¡¯t die. ] [ Bonus Experience not granted. This isn¡¯t a charity. ] [ 500 Experience granted. ] [ Say the words Status to view how terrible you are. ] Groaning, Peter held his middle finger up at the sky and then quickly put it away upon seeing a few people staring at him. ¡°Status.¡± ***** Peter Park Human Level 1 Experience: 500/1000 Current Debt: 2 Gold Time Till Collection: 10 Hours 7 Minutes STR: 8 AGIL: 7 CON: 6 INT: 8 WIS: 5 LUCK: 3 Skills: Perks: The author''s content has been appropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon. Coward¡¯s Sprint - 20% Increase to movement when fleeing. ***** ¡°Two gold?!¡± His words came out louder than he had anticipated, and yet there was the amount he supposedly owed in bold white text on the red box. ¡°That¡¯s not fair¡­ I almost died.¡± ¡°But you didn¡¯t!¡± a lizard-looking person said as they passed by, carrying a bag in each arm. ¡°Give it time. It will happen.¡± Unsure if he should say thank you or groan, Peter went with the first option, knowing the smile he showed didn¡¯t convey how utterly lost he really was. Still I have ten hours before it¡¯s due¡­ so I guess I have plenty of time to finish it. Having set his mind to it and not going to let this world or his ex get the best of him on his first day here, Peter started making his way toward the adventure guild. *** ¡°You survived.¡± ¡°I did,¡± Peter replied as the same female elf looked him up and down, her head slowly bobbing. ¡°And from what I can see, you managed to deliver the package. That is¡­ quite impressive.¡± Her tone and facial expression reminded him of his mother-in-law¡ªcorrect, his ex-mother-in-law. She spoke the same tone whenever he tried to impress her via words or deeds. ¡°So, can I retake the same package?¡± he asked. ¡°To Birek? I mean¡­ it¡¯s a little early but he always likes to eat. I guess.¡± ¡°Wait, you¡¯re serious?¡± Peter asked. ¡°You mean I can keep delivering the same package over and over to him for the same amount of money and experience?¡± Shaking her head, the elf snorted. Actually it was more of an oink. His face clearly showed his surprise at such a sound coming from her, and she leaned over the wooden counter, her eyes narrowing as she glared. ¡°Comment and I¡¯ll make sure you never come back.¡± Waving his hands, Peter had learned in the last few hours that sometimes a man shouldn¡¯t say a word as his current situation was from ignoring such a simple rule. When he didn¡¯t say anything, she leaned back and nodded once, a slight frown upon her lips. ¡°I can see your mark¡­ married a witch¡­ must have done something stupid and yet here you are, standing before me and ready to take on your second quest. I guess I can give you a little advice. Head my warning as many don¡¯t.¡± Peter nodded, moving in slightly to ensure he didn¡¯t miss a thing. ¡°You can repeat quests but some get harder, faster. Simple tasks like rat killing aren¡¯t bad until you slay a thousand. Then you can expect something nasty to show up, pissed off you killed all their friends.¡± ¡°So the bandits on this one?¡± ¡°Aren¡¯t going to be as easy to defeat this time. Still it¡¯s impressive you managed to kill them all without getting hurt.¡± ¡°Uh¡­ I didn¡¯t kill any of them. I just ran,¡± Peter admitted. Two oinks came from the woman before she composed herself, rage and malice replacing the outburst as she glared at someone behind him in line who had laughed. ¡°Good luck. Try not to die,¡± she said as she slid an exact copy of the box across the counter to him. Staring at it, Peter ignored the cough of the next person behind him, feeling that itch in his mind, glad it was there and not his nether region. ¡°This¡­ is just like the last one. The box I mean.¡± ¡°It is.¡± Smiling, he looked up at the elf. ¡°I don¡¯t suppose I could get another one just like it?¡± Peter asked. ¡°You want to try and take two quests at the same time? You¡¯re not ready for that at all.¡± Shaking his head, Peter tapped the wooden box. ¡°Nope, just an empty box that looks exactly like this one!¡± A tiny corner of her lip almost looked like it was going to turn into a smile before it was banished to hell, just like him. ¡°Twenty silver.¡± ¡°For an empty box?¡± ¡°Nothing¡¯s free and you¡¯re holding up the line. Choose quickly.¡± Sighing, Peter took the gold coin from his pocket and stared at it. His dream of being done with having to quest today was crushed under the weight of not wanting to die or fail. ¡°Fine,¡± he said as he put the coin on the counter. *** Part of him wanted to complain about the insane price tag on the box. Twenty silver¡­ now I¡¯ve only got thirty silver but I guess it¡¯s good to know the currency rate. Learning fifty copper made a single silver and fifty silver made a single gold was pretty easy on the math side. The only downside was that he now had a pouch that clinked every time he walked. Combined with his boots, he sounded like some clown at a circus. ¡°Oi! You! Pink skin!¡± It¡¯s funny how one starts looking around and seeing who is shouting things. Like in junior high when someone yells out ¡®Hey Idiot!¡¯ and you turn, not because you were one, but to see who was talking and then from that moment on you gained a new moniker. A trio of goblins came his way, two wearing yellow shirts and one wearing a red shirt. ¡°You talking to me?¡± Peter asked as the trio drew close. ¡°See any other pink skins?¡± Glancing around, he did indeed see a few other humans and some weird pink-haired fox, but he didn¡¯t feel it was a question they wanted answered. ¡°So what do you need?¡± ¡°You going to the dungeon south of town?¡± the one in the middle asked. ¡°Perhaps? Why?¡± Unsure how this interaction would go down, he wasn¡¯t sure if goblins were something to be trusted. After all killing some resulted in 10 silver and right now he could use some extra silver. ¡°We got a quest and need to head there. I¡¯m Kirk, this one is Dirk.¡± ¡°Peter,¡± he replied, motioning at the one in the red shirt. ¡°He got a name?¡± Both Dirk and Kirk glanced at the goblin who was looking at them. ¡°Uh¡­ I think so.¡± ¡°It¡¯s Mike!¡± exclaimed the one in the red shirt. ¡°I¡¯ve told you three times my name!¡± ¡°Yeah¡­ okay, well, that¡¯s not important,¡± Kirk stated. ¡°Regardless, if you¡¯re willing, I¡¯m open to paying you 1 silver to help escort us to the dungeon.¡± His spider-sense started to tingle, or perhaps it was the need to eat something, but Peter couldn¡¯t help but wonder about this situation. ¡°Wait, you can pay other people to help with quests?¡± ¡°Gah, a newbie,¡± Dirk muttered. ¡°Perhaps he needs a red shirt to wear.¡± ¡°Wait a minute. Captain said I was the one getting a red shirt!¡± For some reason, Peter couldn¡¯t recall the goblin in the red shirt name but it didn¡¯t matter as the one called Kirk held up his hand. ¡°I don¡¯t got enough for two red shirts or I¡¯d have another one. After this quest, we can easily get a few more.¡± Watching the two talk and ignore him for a moment, Peter began to turn when the leader grabbed his arm, almost making him drop one of the boxes he held. ¡°Wait, do you want to earn that silver or what?¡± ¡°Make it two silver and let me stop at one of the merchants on the way out of town and you got yourself a deal.¡± Kirk frowned but nodded. ¡°Fine, but you¡¯re out in front. Got it?¡± ¡°Deal. Now then let¡¯s get moving, I got alimony to pay.¡± Laughter came from the pair and a second later the red-shirted goblin joined in. ¡°What¡¯s so funny?¡± Peter asked. ¡°Oh pink-skin¡­ all of us have a debt to pay.¡± Chapter 4 - Strategy vs Tactical Cowardice ¡°Ten silver for a backpack,¡± Peter muttered. ¡°It¡¯s highway robbery.¡± ¡°What¡¯s a highway?¡± Dirk asked. Rubbing his face, he couldn¡¯t help but notice the weird expression on all three of his new partners. ¡°It¡¯s a¡­ never mind. Is everything in this place overpriced?¡± ¡°Of course!¡± Kirk exclaimed. ¡°Everyone owes someone something. You think I¡¯d be out here offering a silver coin to simply take a stroll with me?¡± ¡°Two silver,¡± Peter said, coming to a quick stop. ¡°If you¡¯re trying to change the¨C¡± ¡°No! My mistake,¡± the goblin replied as he waved a green hand. Grunting, he started walking again, making a mental note that it appeared goblins in this world were potentially just as shady as all the movies he had ever watched portrayed. Most likely I should try to avoid combat¡­ I mean¡­ I¡¯m about as skilled as a wet sock when it comes to fighting. He flinched as a memory of getting beat up by a seven-year-old girl when he was ten decided it was time for a flashback. Cindy Lou didn¡¯t play fair, and after he accused her of cutting in line at the ice cream truck, she used her height to her advantage. ¡°Is something wrong with your manhood?¡± Kirk asked. ¡°You¡¯re grabbing it for some reason¡­ I mean, I do that occasionally but usually when I¡¯m alone.¡± ¡°No¡­ just remembering a time I got punched there,¡± Peter replied. ¡°OHHH¡­ you¡¯re one of those kinds of guys¡­ well then I can get on board with someone who''s into that kind of thing.¡± ¡°What?! No, I¨C¡± ¡°Don¡¯t be ashamed,¡± Dirk said as he moved up next to Kirk. ¡°Trust us, we¡¯ve paid for worse.¡± ¡°I¡­ I¡­¡± Unable to say anything else, Peter just hung his head for a moment, looking at the fake chest in his hand and wondering what he had gotten himself into. I just need some space¡­ yeah¡­ not the greatest line I¡¯ve ever said¡­ Taking a deep breath, he let it out slowly and pointed at the road they were about to travel down to deliver his package and hopefully get the goblins to the dungeon as well. ¡°So what kind of formation we going to use when we come upon enemies?¡± Peter asked. ¡°We move in a triangle,¡± Kirk explained. Raising an eyebrow, Peter shook his head. ¡°Wait¡­ what kind of triangle?¡± ¡°An open triangle,¡± Dirk said with a smirk. ¡°With you at the front.¡± ¡°But that¡¯s just a line!¡± ¡°Exactly!¡± Kirk exclaimed. ¡°Strategic positioning!¡± Peter let out a sigh. ¡°Yeah, for me to get cut, stabbed or shot at first.¡± ¡°Glad you understand what I¡¯m paying for.¡± Making a mental note to never take another job from a goblin again without going over all the details first, he gave up, moving to the front of the group as they filed in behind him. At the same wooded area along the road as before, Peter noticed that the bush the three bandits had jumped out from now had a second one next to it. Part of him wasn¡¯t surprised when a group of six smug-looking bandits leaped out and pointed weapons at him. ¡°Ahh look who¡¯s back!¡± sneered the one he knew was Ted. ¡°Thought you were clever enough to repeat the same delivery quest again? Too bad we know all your tricks!¡± ¡°Yeah! No one¡¯s going to be saying we¡¯re gutting you like a fish,¡± Dick said. ¡°Wait, how do you know I¡¯m doing the same quest? Peter asked. ¡°The box! And the boss said someone was coming. It doesn¡¯t take a genius with a third-grade education to figure that out,¡± Ted replied. ¡°Uh, Peter¡­ your job is to escort us to the dungeon, not have a chat with thugs. Let¡¯s get moving.¡± All six of the bandits glanced behind Peter and saw the three goblins all hiding in his shadow. ¡°What¡¯s this?! Two quests?!¡± Dick exclaimed. ¡°The boss is going to blow his load when he finds out we stopped two quests!¡± The story has been taken without consent; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident. ¡°Oh, that explains why these other three are here,¡± Ted pointed out. ¡°I was beginning to think the boss didn¡¯t trust us with this quest anymore.¡± ¡°Wait! If I turn in the box, I¡¯m good to go, right?¡± ¡°Of course¡­ tho part of me wants to make you bleed for making us look like fools,¡± Ted said. ¡°Still it¡¯s not something we¡¯re cleared for yet.¡± ¡°Wait, you can¡¯t, like, kill me?¡± Grimacing the bandits all looked at each other and shrugged. ¡°Not usually¡­ I mean¡­ It does happen¡­ On accident of course, but then again if you bleed out, that¡¯s on you, not on us,¡± Dick said. So many things ran through Peter¡¯s mind, and while most of them still revolved around the idea he had somehow married a witch, right now it was something actually useful. ¡°Kirk, Dirk, and uh¡­¡± ¡°It¡¯s Mike!¡± Shushing the goblin in the red shirt he nodded and motioned for them to come closer. ¡°Here¡¯s what we¡¯re going to do. I¡¯m going to let them rob me, take this chest and when they have it run.¡± ¡°What kind of plan is that?¡± Kirk asked, frowning at him. ¡°Well I don¡¯t got a weapon and six on 4¨C¡± ¡°Six on one,¡± Dirk said. ¡°We¡¯re not fighting. It¡¯s why we hired you.¡± Coughing, Peter pounded his chest. ¡°So¡­ that means after they take the chest, I¡¯m going move sideways before I begin to run. I suggest you three somehow find a way to hide behind me and escape.¡± ¡°This so isn¡¯t worth two silver,¡± Kirk muttered. ¡°Still¡­ I can respect a man who knows he sucks when it comes to the physical art of fighting and proudly proclaims he¡¯s a chicken.¡± Resisting the urge to bawk, Peter nodded. ¡°So, Dick and Ted and¡­¡± He waited, motioning to the guard that had been there the first time with the pair. ¡°Francisco.¡± ¡°God, don¡¯t lie,¡± Dick muttered. ¡°Your name is Steve!¡± ¡°Steve¡­ okay, well here is the box. I¡¯m going to let you all have the chest and just move to where Birek is and tell him I failed if that¡¯s okay.¡± Waving his sword in the air, Ted glared. ¡°No funny business?¡± ¡°On my word.¡± The three of the bandits looked at each other, all nodding. ¡°Well then, if you say so. Give us the box and you can go.¡± Bending down, Peter set it on the road, took a step back after standing up and began to slide in the direction of the dungeon. ¡°I appreciate you all again. Hopefully we can do this another time,¡± Peter said as he made his escape. ¡°Hah! I hope so because it will be an easy win for us!¡± Dick declared as he moved to collect the box. Out of the corner of Peter¡¯s vision, he spotted something red and turned his head enough to see that the goblin in red was standing on the road, picking his nose. ¡°Just keep moving,¡± Kirk whispered. ¡°But¨C¡± ¡°No butts!¡± Dirk said loud enough that the red-shirted goblin heard and started to move. ¡°FREEZE!¡± one of the newer bandits shouted, stepping past Ted and Steve. ¡°You aren¡¯t going anywhere.¡± ¡°But¡­ I¡­¡± Realizing that the gig was up and these bandits looked a lot meaner than the trio he had danced with before, Peter decided to do what he did best. He ran like a coward. [ Coward¡¯s Sprint Activated ] ¡°Tactical Retreat!¡± he shouted, As his legs moved faster, he glanced back to see Dirk and Kirk break into a sprint. ¡°Wait for me Capt¨C¡± The sound of the goblin in the red shirt ended as a fist connected against his jaw. ¡°It¡¯s okay!¡± Kirk cried. ¡°I¡¯m the real hero in this story! I¡¯m not even sure he had a name!¡± Choosing to not argue, Peter pumped his arms faster, seeing Dick opening the box he had picked up. ¡°HEY! It¡¯s empty! After him!¡± Part of him wanted to laugh, the other part of Peter wanted to run faster, seeing that there were now five bandits chasing them. [ Coward¡¯s Sprint (Passive) - Upgraded ] [ Effect: 21% faster movement speed when fleeing like an absolute coward. ] [ Twice in one day. Way to set the bar high. ] Ignoring the taunt, Peter gladly took the 1%, unsure how much that really was, but as the portal came into view and the sounds of shouting disappeared, he looked behind, seeing two goblins sweating but no longer in danger as the bandits had vanished. ¡°Well I¡¯ll be,¡± Kirk said as they slowed to a walk, all of them taking deep breaths. ¡°You run amazingly well. Do you have some kind of skill or something?¡± ¡°Do you?¡± Peter asked, unsure if he wanted to share that information. ¡°Of course. I¡¯m a goblin. Running for my life while someone else dies is kind of an expected thing. In fact I¡¯m not aware of any goblins who don¡¯t have a running ability when it comes to being a chicken.¡± ¡°Sorry about your third goblin.¡± ¡°Who?¡± Dirk asked. ¡°The red shirt.¡± ¡°Uh¡­ who¡¯s you talking about?¡± Kirk asked. ¡°The goblin that came with us. He wore a red shirt!¡± Peter exclaimed, pointing in the direction they had just come. ¡°You know, the one they caught?¡± ¡°Doesn¡¯t ring a bell,¡± Dirk said with a shrug. ¡°Still, you did your part so I guess we gotta pay him, captain.¡± Sighing, the goblin nodded and pulled out a silver coin. ¡°Two,¡± Peter said, almost growling. ¡°Yeah, yeah. I was just trying to remember where I kept the other.¡± It was at that moment Peter realized he was ready just to take the one silver coin. Grunts and a hack that sounded worse than some 80-year-old chain smoker came from Kirk as he attempted to clear whatever was in his throat. Soon, Dirk came over and slapped him on the back. A few seconds later, a silver coin flew from Kirk¡¯s mouth and bounced off the dirt road, which was covered in filth. ¡°Wew, I wasn¡¯t sure if that was going to come out,¡± the captain said as he grunted a few more times. ¡°Still, at least I didn¡¯t have to give you a gold coin.¡± ¡°Uh, why is that?¡± Peter asked. ¡°Because I¡¯m nowhere near ready to go number two.¡± Chapter 5 - Learning What Stats Do The moment the silver coin touched his hand, Peter was overwhelmed. In one hand¡­ well the hand with the coin in it, actual goblin flem, now touched his skin. In the other was a gold coin as sound rang out in his head. Ding! [ Side Quest Complete ] 100 XP gained. 1 Gold earned. Redshirt Goblin casualty ignored by System. [ Congratulations - You have now learned about Side Quests. These can be given or taken but unlike the main quest the only punishment for not completing one is being labeled a loser. ] [ P.S. - You only get this bonus once so don¡¯t think you can earn your way out of what you owe so easily. ] ¡°He really is a weird one,¡± Dirk said as the pair of goblins kept walking toward the dungeon. ¡°Based on the way he¡¯s smiling, I swear if he swallows that coin, we¡¯re taking him home to meet your sister.¡± ¡°Bah, you and I both know she¡¯d snap him in half,¡± Kirk replied. ¡°Then again¡­ he does seem to like getting hit there.¡± Ignoring the duo, Peter did his best to remove as much bodily¡­ stuff¡­ from the silver coin, putting it and the gold coin in his pouch. One gold and twenty-two silver. Soon I¡¯ll have enough to cover today¡¯s debt! Smiling he made his way to where the ogre named Birek was standing. ¡°You seem pretty happy for not having my chest in hand.¡± Sliding the pack off his back, Peter pulled out the quest object and held it out. ¡°I might have purchased a fake one and given it to the bandit.¡± Laughter erupted from the ogre as he shook his head, taking a few steps until he could acquire the real object for the quest. ¡°That¡¯s¡­ ingenious. Not many have ever done such a thing like that before. I wondered why they were chasing you and figured it had to do with the goblins at first.¡± ¡°You mean you knew I was coming to see you?¡± ¡°There¡¯s a glow around you just slightly, which lets me know you took my quest,¡± Birek said. ¡°I¡¯m fairly certain you can see one around me.¡± Nodding, Peter noticed it was there, just not paying much attention to it since he knew what it was for. ¡°Weird¡­ Anyway, I¡¯m not sure if I¡¯ll be able to repeat this quest soon. Those bandits seem prepared for me. Does that always happen?¡± ¡°That I can¡¯t say,¡± Birek replied, shrugging his massive shoulders. ¡°All I know is I get paid to stand here and guard the portal.¡± ¡°From what? People going in?¡± Chuckling, the ogre flashed a smile that would cause young children to scream enough to power a city. ¡°It¡¯s not what goes in but what comes out occasionally. But you¡¯ll have to figure that out yourself. I¡¯m not paid to share that information.¡± The ogre¡¯s hand moved and a gold coin was sent airborne. Feeling lucky, Peter attempted to catch it, failing miserably and picking it instead up off the ground. Once he held it, a familiar sound came followed by the sound of a fog horn. [ Quest Complete ] [ Congratulations on completing three quests in a day. Maybe you¡¯re not as stupid as she thought you were. ] [ 500 Experience granted. ] [ Level Up! ] [ Greatness has come and you¡¯ve managed to get stronger! With great power comes stupidity. Don¡¯t be an idiot like the rest. ] [ 1 Stat Point to spend ] His eyes were pinched shut and a dull throb in his mind came as the notifications appeared. ¡°Oh, I know that look,¡± Birek said.¡±You leveled up! Congrats!¡± ¡°Uh¡­ thanks¡­ Now I just need to¨C¡± [ 15 Seconds to spend Stat Point or it will vanish. ] ¡°What?!¡± ¡°You better pick something!¡± Birek exclaimed. ¡°Fast!¡± ¡°But what?!¡± This novel''s true home is a different platform. Support the author by finding it there. [ 10 Seconds to spend Stat Point or it will vanish. ] ¡°It¡¯s your call, but make it a good one,¡± the ogre replied. Peter¡¯s mind raced as he tried to consider the best stat to put something into. I mean, what do each of them even do?! [ 5 Seconds to spend Stat Point or it will vanish. ] ¡°Fudge!¡± Desperation makes me do desperate things and Peter was absolutely desperate. Knowing he only had seconds to spare he did what anyone who ever played any time of game would do. ¡°Luck! I choose luck!¡± [ Point Allocated to Luck! ] [ They say it pays to be lucky, but that¡¯s not always the case. Still, perhaps you won¡¯t trip and break your neck or step on a rusted nail now. That¡¯s something right? ] Birek sucked in some air between his teeth, making a hissing noise as he grimaced. ¡°Luck¡­ that¡¯s a tough one. Can¡¯t say I¡¯ve ever put a point in that one.¡± ¡°Why?¡± Peter asked. ¡°Isn¡¯t it better to be lucky?¡± ¡°No one here is lucky but perhaps¡­¡± The ogre paused and shook his head. ¡°Still, I¡¯d rather have strength or be tougher. So I put most of my points into those two stats. I¡¯ve only met a few of your kind, and all I can say is that you might want to consider toughening up some. Lots of pink skins die after a hit or two.¡± Feeling a little frustrated at how the whole thing just went down, Peter sighed and decided to see what had changed upon leveling up. ¡°Status.¡± ***** Peter Park Human Level 2 Experience: 100/2000 Current Debt: 2 Gold Time Till Collection: 8 Hours 24 Minutes STR: 8 AGIL: 7 CON: 6 INT: 8 WIS: 5 LUCK: 4 Skills: Perks: Coward¡¯s Sprint - 21% Increase to movement when fleeing. ***** ¡°Uh, Birek¡­ how do I learn what each stat grants?¡± Peter asked. ¡°Oh that¡¯s simple. Just say ¡®Attribute Definitions,¡¯ but trust me, it¡¯s not that useful.¡± Seeing how the ogre was frowning, he gave it the old college try, wondering how bad it really could be. ¡°Attribute Definitions.¡± [ Attributes - The things you don¡¯t have much of. ] [ Strength (STR) - Let¡¯s pretend this is how much you can lift. Technically this stat makes you hit harder and able to carry more, but let¡¯s be honest, you¡¯re still going to lose fights. Why? Because enemies and even children have strength, and most likely more of it. Your most likely use of this stat is to impress people at taverns while arm-wrestling goblins for spare change. ] [ Agility (AGIL) - How fast you continue to flee in shame. While you probably think this still provides you the ability to quickly dodge responsibilities, projectiles and emotionally difficult conversations, for once, you¡¯re right. It¡¯s useful for running away from things trying to kill you (which is basically everything here). Let¡¯s be honest. You¡¯re most likely to still trip over a rock and find yourself dead soon enough. ] [ Constitution (CON) - This is all about how much misery and suffering you can tolerate. The fabled stat of pain resistance really isn¡¯t that. Ignore the ogre and his advice. What Constitution really does is let you suffer longer. That¡¯s right, instead of dying quickly and painlessly, now you¡¯ll get to agonize through broken ribs, concussions and getting demolished by things twice your size (or perhaps for you even half your size). But the good news? It¡¯s that you¡¯ll be less likely to suffer food poisoning from a questionable street vendor. ] [ Intelligence (INT) - All those bad ideas you justify. Putting more points in here means you can read longer, more complicated system notifications about how screwed you are. You¡¯ll also unlock advanced abilities like ¡®Maybe I shouldn¡¯t have spent my last gold coin on a bad investment.¡¯ However, knowing something is a bad idea and not doing it are two very different things. Similar to telling your wife you need space. ] [ Wisdom (WIS) - How many times you can recall being told, ¡®I told you so.¡¯ Similar to intelligence and knowing a bad decision, this stat doesn¡¯t stop you from making terrible choices. You¡¯ll just know they were terrible, after the fact. This stat is perfect for realizing how and why your life is descending into chaos. Just don¡¯t expect it to help prevent that. Expect a lot of head shaking, singing and ¡®In hindsight, that was pretty stupid.¡¯ ] [ Luck (LUCK) - How long can you delay inevitable doom? This stat determines how often the universe will throw you a bone. Will you be lucky and find a single gold coin on the ground? Perhaps. Will that same gold coin be suddenly snatched up by a crow that¡¯s a bandit¡¯s pet? Absolutely! Luck isn¡¯t about making life easier. It¡¯s about shifting the flavor of your misfortune. ] Peter couldn¡¯t help but read each definition twice. ¡°So¡­ I¡¯m basically screwed regardless of what I pick?¡± ¡°You asking me or the world?¡± Birek replied. ¡°Both?¡± Sighing, the ogre shrugged. ¡°Eventually you have to decide what kind of life you want here. Do you want to be out here running dungeons, trying to not die or get maimed? Perhaps instead you like playing with bandits, seeing how long you manage to stay ahead before they get really upset at you. If none of those work you¡¯re always welcome to opening up a business and offering quests¡­ of course that often requires a large amount of money which typically isn¡¯t something most of us come across.¡± Frowning Peter recalled the sign and line he saw in town. ¡°What about that Sal guy? He seems to have a pretty good gig?¡± Snorting the ogre rolled his eyes. ¡°That lawyer? Please most of his contracts fail and the only one making any kind of money is him. Rumor has it he was a politician at some point but found a way to sink even lower. Still¡­ if I were you, I¡¯d stay away from him if possible. No one I know has ever come out ahead that walked through his doors.¡± Rubbing his eyes, Peter could feel his Intelligence telling him Birek was right. Now all he needed to do was be smart enough to listen to that small voice inside. ¡°Uh¡­ thanks. I guess I¡¯ll head back to town. It should be safe, right?¡± ¡°Beats me,¡± the ogre replied. ¡°I¡¯m not the one upsetting the local thug community. Still, since I¡¯ve got my lunch and they¡¯ve got a boss who¡¯s going to be not happy with them, returning quickly might be your best bet.¡± Giving the ogre a nod, Peter waved and started moving toward town. Well¡­ if anything comes, at least I can run away like a chicken. A rumble in his belly came at the thought of fried chicken. I guess I better see if I can¡¯t find something to eat.