《Paco Saves the Day Chapter 1》 Chapter 1 ¡°Really? That¡¯s what you do? Film yourself filming fucking raccoons and uploading them to Youtube?¡± Helena said with disdain. ¡°Uhhh, yeah? Why is that such a problem?¡± I asked. ¡°It¡¯s just such a stupid thing to do for a living.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t see how. I enjoy it.¡± ¡°You just have nothing going for you,¡± her words hung in the air as we sat in the restaurant. ¡°Do you have any dreams or aspirations? Anything?¡± ¡°I¡¯d like to be a writer one day. Or maybe just travel. I have a few ideas for some books, but I¡¯m not really sure where to start,¡± I replied meekly. I watched as Helena rolled her eyes. ¡°Great, another social media star who thinks they can just write a book and become rich and famous.¡± There was a hatred starting to burn in my chest for my date. A self-righteous, holier-than-thou bitch who thought she was above everyone else just because she had a job that could turn into a career. ¡°You know, artists are what keeps the world hopeful.¡± ¡°Save me the spiel. We can just eat and go our separate ways,¡± she said. I watched as our waiter came over with our drinks. I had gotten an old fashioned with Bulleit bourbon. She had gotten a cosmo with well vodka. Years of working the restaurants told me all I needed to know about her. She sucked. ¡°Were you guys ready to order?¡± he asked. ¡°You know, I think I¡¯m done here,¡± I said. ¡°Here¡¯s twenty for my drink. Go give it to the kitchen staff. The blonde menace across from me can pay for herself.¡± I handed the man the green bill and stood up. I looked down at Helena who now looked utterly dumbfounded. ¡°No, no, no. I didn¡¯t mean the things I said. I was more just shocked by what you do,¡± she said as her face turned bright red in embarrassment. ¡°I¡¯m good.¡± I didn¡¯t like conflict, I didn¡¯t want to argue or defend myself. Not to some random girl I started talking to on one of those stupid dating apps. ¡°Besides, I have better things to do.¡± I threw on my black zip-up jacket and made my way towards the door. ¡°Like go home and feed your stupid fucking raccoons for Youtube?¡± she shot. ¡°Those ¡®stupid fucking raccoons¡¯ have more personality than you do. And yes. That¡¯s why I¡¯ve made more money in the last 6 months than you¡¯ve made in the last 10 years.¡± I shouted as I flipped her off and walked out the door. I was annoyed as I got into my car and sped home. It wasn¡¯t the nicest car on the block, but it was reliable. Sure, I could afford something way more expensive, but what¡¯s better than a 1991 Mazda Miata? Nothing. They¡¯re perfect. The best cars Mazda ever produced. Mine was wrapped in vinyl to be a matte black. Originally it was red, but I wasn¡¯t a fan. I also replaced the headlights to have purple LED halos. Yeah, I¡¯m that guy. But like I said, it was the best car ever made. And I stand by that. I didn¡¯t need to spend hundreds of thousands on a supercar. Just me, my Mazda, and my ¡®stupid fucking raccoons.¡¯ I sighed as I sped on the back roads. The author''s tale has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon. They wound tightly, but that¡¯s what made this car so great. I could floor it, stick to the road, and just GO. I pulled into my driveway, got out of my car, and went through the gate to my backyard. ¡°Paco!¡± I shouted as I saw that fat, round raccoon sitting in my yard. He was waiting for me. ¡°Where are the others?¡± I asked. He rubbed his paws together and just chirped in response. ¡°I¡¯ll be right back,¡± I said as I slid the glass door to my kitchen open and flicked on the camera in the window. He was already in frame. Perfect. I grabbed a pack of hot dogs from the fridge, and English biscuits from the counter before I went back out. I flicked on my monitor which was attached behind plexiglas to the outside of my house. It allowed me to read the comments without having to look at my phone. ¡°Hey guys, it¡¯s me again,¡± I said as I walked into the camera¡¯s view. The livestream had already started, and my viewer count was close to 10,000. ¡°Chris here to show you my visitors for the night. It seems like only Paco came as winter is about to set in. I¡¯ll probably start seeing less and less of them as time goes on. But, anyway, I got hot dogs and biscuits.¡± I raised both packages into view before I turned to start walking towards Paco. He came running when he saw them. ¡°This guy really does love biscuits,¡± I said as I sat in the chair on my back deck. ¡°Not the biggest fan of hot dogs, but I¡¯ll keep them here just in case we get any other visitors.¡± Paco jumped up into the chair next to me, sat on his ass, and started rubbing his paws together. ¡°Okay,¡± I said, ¡°only because you asked so nicely.¡± I handed over a biscuit and he started munching on it immediately.¡± I slid off my shoes and sat there monologuing to the camera. Overhead, helicopters whizzed by with spotlights. It completely ruined the video, but I let the livestream continue. ¡°Bigman69, hi. Yes, I have names for all of the raccoons who come to visit. I can tell the difference. Me and Paco here have a special bond. He¡¯s been in my house a few times, but he doesn¡¯t frequently come in. Sometimes I can coax him to come in the kitchen, but it usually takes a few of these biscuits.¡± ¡°Nice to see you again, Angelofdusk.¡± ¡°Mods, can you start banning people who are just going to start using slurs. I pay you guys for this.¡± I was answering and fielding questions. The helicopters above started to become more frequent as the livestream went out. More than once I saw Paco look up at the noise. ¡°It¡¯s okay, buddy,¡± I said as I brushed my hand across his head. That seemed to quell his fears. He rubbed his hands together again and I handed over another biscuit. One of the lights overhead stopped and shown down on us. I put my hand out instinctively to get Paco to stay with me. The bright light completely ruined the shot. It got brighter, and I felt a tingling sensation in my stomach that made me want to throw up. I blinked multiple times trying to understand what had just happened. I was outside with Paco. We were livestreaming. Now I wasn¡¯t outside. I was somewhere else surrounded by metallic walls and computer screens glowing with neon. I tried to stand up. As I pushed off the ground, my legs gave out. My equilibrium was off. I looked to my right. Paco was still beside me, his biscuit on the floor. ¡°Am I tripping? Did that bitch drug me?¡± I looked forward to see if my camera was still there. Nothing. Just a vast room with a bunch of computers. There was a noise behind me. I spun on my knees. In front of me stood three gray figures. Their legs were long and slender. Their eyes, bulbous. Their mouths, tiny little slits in huge heads. ¡°What the fuck,¡± I whispered before I threw up on the floor in front of me and blacked out. Chapter 2 I woke strapped to a table. My legs were bound along with my arms. There was a coolness on my right arm. I craned my neck and saw a strange dark silver sleeve on my arm. It ran from my wrist to my elbow. To my right, Paco was strapped to a similar table. A small bracelet was visible on his front leg. The skin on his scalp was pulled back, and I saw a machine drilling silently into his skull. It suctioned the blood as it worked. ¡°Where am I?¡± I asked to no one in the room. ¡°I swear to God, I have to be dreaming.¡± An electronic sound came from my left. I turned my head, and the three alien figures strolled through the door. I felt my blood pressure drop, my head get dizzy, but this time, I didn¡¯t pass out. ¡°Who are you?¡± They all looked at each other and muttered something unintelligible before turning back to me. They crossed the room, and one of them stepped forward and started poking at the sleeve on my right arm. The screen lit up a neon green. ¡°Stop touching me! Let me go! Let him go, too!¡± I shouted as I motioned over to Paco. ¡°There we go. Now you should understand us,¡± the one who toyed with the sleeve spoke. ¡°What the fuck¡­¡± I whispered before the world went black again. *** ¡°Hey! The stupid human is waking up!¡± I blinked and the room came back into view. I was still strapped to the table. I looked to my right. Paco was gone and the table remained empty. I felt like I was about to be killed by whatever these things were. They reminded me of the Grays, but they had mouths, and I understood them. They were actually speaking back and forth to each other. I swore to myself it was just a bad dream, or a bad trip from whatever Helena had snuck into my drink. One of the aliens came over and stood by my head so I didn¡¯t have to strain my neck anymore. ¡°Listen, it¡¯s fine. You¡¯re safe now.¡± ¡°Let me go!¡± I shouted. Spit came from my mouth and landed on its face. It wiped it away with it¡¯s long four-fingered hand. ¡°Disgusting,¡± it mumbled. ¡°I saw what you did to Paco!¡± ¡°He¡¯s fine. Look,¡± it said as it pointed to the far wall. Paco was sitting on a chair eating biscuits. He waved. No like, he really fucking waved at me. ¡°I don¡¯t understand. I think I¡¯m going to pass out again,¡± I said. ¡°Nope,¡± the alien replied as he pulled a syringe out from under the table and jabbed it into my arm. My heart started to race like I was on enough adrenaline to single-handedly kill Genghis Khan and his army. ¡°Okay, okay, okay,¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯m dreaming. Or tripping. I¡¯m surrounded by aliens, and Paco waved at me like he recognized me. That¡¯s fine. Close your eyes. You¡¯ve done stupid shit before. You¡¯ll be fine. Just breathe,¡± I repeated to myself as I tried to remain grounded. ¡°Yeah, no. You¡¯re on our space ship. You¡¯re safe here. Your world was being attacked by Orks. We intervened and tried to save as many of you as possible. We declared war on them in the process. Your world is burnt to a crisp, but you¡¯re alive! That¡¯s gotta count for something!¡± The alien replied cheerfully at the end. I tried to understand what was just said to me. Orks? Abducted? War? I closed my eyes and squeezed tight. Okay, just play along. Play along with the bad trip. ¡°Okay. So if my planet is gone, how many people to you guys save with this ship? How many ships are there? Why me?¡± ¡°Well¡­you see. We only saved you and that wonderful friend of yours. He¡¯s really a delight! Some of our other ships were able to save a few as well, but we jumped out of the galaxy once we got you. The Orks auto-locked onto our position the second we jumped in. We grabbed you because it was convenient.¡± ¡°Okay, okay. So what¡¯re you gonna do with me now?¡± ¡°Take you to our home of course! You¡¯re our guests. We¡¯ve always tried to make contact over the years, but never really figured out the language barrier until recently. Now you have that new fancy device on your arm. It does a lot, but we can get to that later. If I let you go, will you attack me?¡± ¡°No,¡± I said. I will not attack you. ¡°Promise?¡± ¡°Yes.¡± ¡°Like, really really promise?¡± I sighed. ¡°Yes, I really really promise not to attack you.¡± The alien was more like a toddler, or a girlfriend who just wanted the reassurance. It clicked a button and my arms and legs were immediately freed. ¡°Chris!¡± A voice said. I sat up and Paco was running towards me. ¡°Chris, Chris, they have biscuits here!¡± ¡°What the fuck is going on.¡± I raised my hands and started to rub the temples on the side of my head. Paco was now on the table I had been strapped to. He struggled a moment as he tried to jump and grab the edge to pull himself up. ¡°Are you really talking?¡± I asked. ¡°Yes, Chris. They did a quick surgery on me, and now we can talk to each other. Something about that thing on your arm not knowing my language yet. They figured it out pretty quick, and now I have this cool scar!¡± Paco turned his head and yes, he had a scar. I didn¡¯t exactly think it looked cool, but it was there all right. ¡°Okay,¡± I said. ¡°So, what do I do now? Can we leave?¡± The Grays looked at me. ¡°No, you can¡¯t leave right now. Your planet is under attack by the Orcs. The Council is intervening but we think it¡¯s going to be a while before you can head home.¡± There was a long pause. ¡°We think there¡¯s going to be a drastic change in your world coming out of this, but that¡¯ll be explained later. A lot of the policies have shifted with your world.¡± ¡°Policies?¡± ¡°It¡¯s too much to get in to right now. Let¡¯s just say your planet was quarantined, but now that you¡¯re here, you have some of the benefits the rest of the universe has.¡± Hello, Chris. I am your designated AI. Today you will be picking your class. Your race has been auto-assigned to Human. Please pick your desired class from the list in front of you. The voice came from the sleeve on my arm. As soon as it finished, an overlay appeared in my vision. It reminded me of a classic RPG game. Almost like Bloodborne. God, how I wished to play the sequel right now. It was just a week out before I got into whatever this was. Now I feared it would be a while before I could continue fighting in the Hunter¡¯s Dream. ¡°How do I scroll through this list?¡± I asked playing along. Just think about it. It should come pretty quick. If you want to examine a class further, just focus on it. ¡°I picked Fighter. Subclass, Samurai,¡± Paco chimed in. I looked down at him with his little mask. This story is posted elsewhere by the author. Help them out by reading the authentic version. ¡°Fighter? Samurai? Really? You?¡± ¡°I know the ways of the blade now. I will slay my foes with this stick.¡± As soon as he said the words, a stick popped into existence. I focused on it. Average Lackluster Stick. It¡¯s nothing special. A piece of wood with a leaf growing off the side. Can be upgraded. Currently does not provide any stat buffs. But it makes a cool whooshing sound when you swing it at something. ¡°Pretty cool, huh?¡± Paco asked. ¡°Okay, so the talking raccoon wants to cut people in half. I guess I¡¯ll go with Ranger then.¡± The interface was more intuitive than I thought. I clicked on Ranger, and a slew of subclasses appeared in front of me. I¡¯d played enough RPGs to know that if my friend here was going to be up close and personal with anything, I needed to stay back, but I absolutely hated any kind of spell caster. ¡°Hunter subclass it is,¡± I said as I clicked on the menu. Congrats. You picked something entirely useless in space. Here¡¯s your bow, arrows, and a dagger. Remember to collect the arrows. You aren¡¯t special¡ªyet. Maybe you never will be. ¡°Is the AI always like this?¡± ¡°Probably should have picked something cooler,¡± the Gray closest to me said. Stat points have been auto-generated for newcomers. Chris, your stats are as follows: Strength: 8 Dexterity: 8 Constitution: 6 Intelligence: 2 Wisdom: 4 Charisma: 1 ¡°Really? Charisma is a 1? Intelligence a 2?¡± You aren¡¯t as bright as you think you are, and your Charisma stems from your lackluster performance on the internet. People were more interested in Paco than they were of you. You were the insufferable host. Your guest was the most interesting thing about you. Anyway, Paco¡¯s stats are as follows: Strength: 8 Dexterity: 4 Constitution: 7 Intelligence: 3 Wisdom: 1 Charisma: 9 ¡°How the fuck?¡± ¡°Don¡¯t question it, Chris. We both know I¡¯m smarter. Also my class choice gave me a better stat roll than you,¡± Paco said. ¡°Can I have a biscuit now?¡± he asked as he turned to the closest Gray and rubbed his hands together. ¡°Anything for you, little guy,¡± the Gray smiled and walked to the opposite side of the room. He opened a drawer and came back with a green box. ¡°You know, Chris, mmm these are great, you could learn a thing or two from these guys. Goddamn, yes. Anyway, yeah, Chris, your biscuits were good but these things are otherworldly.¡± Paco said between munches. ¡°Okay, okay. Enough of this. Why are we picking classes like we¡¯re in some kind of game?¡± ¡°Alright, this is a quick explanation,¡± the Gray who released me pulled up a chair. ¡°You guys got ideas about RPGs because of how the universe actually is. Without the politics of it, humanity was barred from taking part in the actuality of it. Now that your planet is under attack, the Council has decided whoever is not currently on the planet can choose to be a part of the greater universe. It¡¯s quite fun. You¡¯ll get loot boxes, kill bosses, and level up just like the games you¡¯ve played.¡± ¡°Bosses? Like actual bosses?¡± ¡°Kinda. They¡¯re real living things. If you kill them, they¡¯ll die an actual death. And so will you. There¡¯s no respawning. Death is death.¡± ¡°Quests? DO WE GET QUESTS? I love a good quest,¡± Paco said as he finished his biscuit. ¡°What kind of quest have you ever gone on?¡± I asked. ¡°Thievery mostly. Sneaking around trying to get what I want. Stowing chaos in the world around me. Usual raccoon things. Your quests are so boring. ¡®Oh I went to the supermarket today. I grabbed a coffee to make myself feel better.¡¯ Have you ever watched the quests you guys go on day to day? Horrendous.¡± ¡°And you nap all the time,¡± I shot back at Paco. ¡°Good quests deserve a reward. A nap is a good reward for a job well done.¡± I stood up and got off the table. My legs felt like jelly and I also felt lighter. I was able to move more easily. ¡°Let me guess, gravity here isn¡¯t the same as Earth?¡± I asked. ¡°It¡¯s about 0.8 percent of what you know. You¡¯ll get used to it. Just remember, whenever you go back, you¡¯ll have to readjust again.¡± I watched as Paco hopped off the table. I was still getting used to my new vision. There was a health bar in the top corner, and a blue one which I assumed was my mana. A notification popped up, and I quickly ignored it. ¡°Okay, give me a run down. How do I access my bow, dagger, and arrows?¡± Jesus fuck. Just think about it and it¡¯ll pop up for you. Then drop shit into your hot bar like every game you¡¯ve ever played. You don¡¯t pay attention to anything I say, do you? ¡°Is he always this rude? Or is it just my AI?¡± I asked the Gray in front of me. ¡°We have the same AI. He¡¯s really nice to me,¡± Paco said, looking up at me. Another notification popped up and I once again waved it away. I focused and a dagger appeared in my hand. My arrows automatically equipped themselves to my back, along with my bow. ¡°Holy shit. Even if I am hallucinating, that¡¯s pretty cool.¡± My health bar dropped a tiny bit and I felt a sudden pain in my shin. ¡°Accept my party invite you son-of-a¡ª¡± Paco screeched. ¡°What the fuck!¡± I grabbed my shin and started rubbing the lump which had quickly formed. There was a honking noise which erupted all around me. Like a flock of geese had arrived and surrounded me. I realized it was the Grays. They were doubled-over. They were laughing. ¡°I said, accept my party invite,¡± Paco crossed closer to me wielding his stick. I focused on the notifications I had been receiving and ignoring. They were all from Paco. I hit the check mark next to his name. Congratulations. You¡¯re now in a party. Maybe your new friend here will keep you from dying since you haven¡¯t accepted that this is real life and not just a hallucination like you continue to claim. ¡°Okay, okay, there. We¡¯re in a party.¡± ¡°Thank you, Chris.¡± Paco chirped as he sat down and put his stick away. ¡°You could have just said something instead of hitting me.¡± ¡°The AI told me you needed to get used to the interface and it was better to just keep pinging you. I got mad when you ignored me.¡± PACO: and look we can type. secret message. Chris: Great. I sighed as the welt on my shin began to turn a bright red. ¡°How do I get health back?¡± I asked the Grays and the AI. Whoever would listen honestly. ¡°Eating, drinking, sleeping, resting,¡± one in the far corner responded. ¡°You¡¯ll see once you inspect some food. Everything will have a description of what it does, just like your weapons, and Paco¡¯s stick.¡± The Gray was still wheezing the horrible goose sound. ¡°Okay. Is there anywhere for us to sleep on this ship?¡± I asked. ¡°Sure, let¡¯s show you your room. It¡¯s fully customizable. It¡¯s free while you¡¯re here but once you leave to wherever you go, you¡¯ll need to purchase a house. Think of it like a safe room. All towns have them, and you¡¯ll see the door to yours with whatever you choose to decorate it with.¡± ¡°That makes no sense, but okay.¡± ¡°What doesn¡¯t make sense about it?¡± The Gray turned back and asked. ¡°How will my house transfer to another town? It doesn¡¯t make sense.¡± ¡°Oh. Yeah, I guess that wouldn¡¯t make sense to you. You see, now that you¡¯re off your world and a part of the Council, there are some benefits you¡¯ll now enjoy. Think of it like walking into another dimension. The Council enacted this a long long time ago. So all of these towns have designated areas that allow for visitors to return to their home. But when they walk out the front door, it takes them to the last town they were in. Think of it like portal magic, but it¡¯s more like scientific wormhole knowledge. But yeah, just think of it like portal magic. Your small human brain understands that better.¡± ¡°Small human brain, got it.¡± Paco and I followed the Gray through a series of bulkhead doors that clinged and clanged when they opened and closed. ¡°This here will be your main entrance,¡± the Gray leading the way waved his arms at a door. It immediately turned into a tree and had a small hole in the middle. ¡°Sorry, I got excited,¡± Paco said staring up at me. ¡°You did that?¡± I asked. ¡°They said it was fully customizable.¡± ¡°Well how do I get in?¡± Just as I spoke, the door changed again. This time it had a handle, and a small round hole a the bottom which Paco quickly scurried through. Inside there was a living room and a bathroom. There was a door for each of us on opposite sides of the room. ¡°This one¡¯s mine!¡± Paco shouted as he scampered to one of them. I watched it change from a large brown door into a manhole cover on the floor. Paco quickly lifted it and jumped in. ¡°Well, I guess I¡¯ll take this one,¡± I muttered as I walked over to the brown door. ¡°Okay, just focus.¡± I thought long and hard on the door. It changed between any color that came to my mind. I settled back on brown with a gold doorknob. It was easier and more intuitive than I had originally thought. Inside was my bedroom from Earth. Just as I had left it. I smiled to myself. It was a nice comfort. The Grays must have decorated this for me. I walked over to the bed and immediately passed out once my head hit the pillow. Chapter 3 I woke to find myself in my room. There was a murmuring coming from beyond the door. I quickly got up and opened it. Shit. I¡¯m still here. Paco was talking to the Grays who were in the living room. They all turned to me. ¡°They have questions for you, Chris!¡± ¡°Uhhh, okay? Shoot. ¡°So you guys worship the ground hog?¡± ¡°Huh?¡± ¡°The ground hog! You know, the one they celebrate every year,¡± Paco shouted. ¡°I mean, kinda? Most of us hate him because he goes back to sleep. I wouldn¡¯t say we worship¡ª¡± ¡°And he can see into the future?¡± one of them asked. I had to think about the question. ¡°I mean, I guess? Technically? I don¡¯t think that¡¯s how it works. ¡°WHAT A WONDROUS LINE OF EVOLUTION. SO HE¡¯S A GOD!¡± One of the Grays got overly excited and started muttering to the others on the red leather couch which I assumed was Paco¡¯s idea. ¡°No. He¡¯s a rat that just goes to sleep.¡± ¡°Hey, I take offense to that,¡± Paco shot at me. ¡°You are not a rat, Paco.¡± ¡°It is still a slur for my people. Besides, rats aren¡¯t nearly as smart as I am.¡± ¡°That¡¯s kinda cheating. These guys here made you smarter with that implant,¡± I gestured towards them. ¡°I am the king of raccoons and all will bow at my feet,¡± Paco stood up on the coffee table and held his stick high in the air. ¡°Look what you guys did. Now I have to deal with this sass,¡± I said. The Grays whispered to each other a moment before one spoke. ¡°We¡¯ve been discussing this in private. Paco can stay with us if he chooses. And you can go on your way.¡± ¡°I can¡¯t abandon my squire,¡± Paco said as he lowered his stick and faced the Grays. ¡°I¡¯m not your¡ª¡± Before I could finish my sentence, the name next to my health bar changed. Chris, Squire of King Paco: First of His Name, Leader of the Free World. I sighed and checked my party menu. Sure enough, there it was. Paco¡¯s name had unnecessary identifiers after it. ¡°Don¡¯t worry, I¡¯ll still let you call me Paco as long as you get me biscuits whenever I want,¡± he said as he hopped off the table and came to beg at my feet. ¡°So is this my actual name now?¡± I asked the AI. Technically, no. It¡¯s just an identifier for your party. Paco doesn¡¯t hold any royal titles. He¡¯ll appear as ¡®Paco¡¯ to anyone you meet, and you¡¯ll still appear as ¡®Chris,¡¯ unfortunately. If and when Paco gets a royal title, then the real fun begins. ¡°So, if I get a royal title?¡± Won¡¯t happen. Useless. Total waste of meat. That¡¯s you. I listened to the AI start to cackle. Something told me it didn¡¯t actually hate me, it just enjoyed being a complete dick. I kept my mouth shut. Anyway, back to business. You both leveled up. You¡¯ll get some loot boxes for forming a party and gaining your first level. Sit down and see what you guys got. Paco jumped up next to me on the couch while the Grays watched us. I let Paco go first as he pulled out his first box. Wooden Beginner Box. I watched as he opened it and a bunch of leaves dumped themselves onto the floor then disappeared as quickly as they manifested themselves. I inspected the item as soon as Paco began holding it. Unauthorized usage: this tale is on Amazon without the author''s consent. Report any sightings. It¡¯s a string. Attach it to your stick and wrap it around your cute little wrist. Now you can throw your stick and drag it back to you. This item provides no buffs. It can be cut, but there may be a few upgrades in your future to make it virtually indestructible. ¡°I can throw the stick!¡± Paco screamed as he equipped the string. It looped around his wrist and the bottom of his stick. Sure enough, he threw it across the room and it made a whooshing noise before it clacked to the floor. He pulled it back. ¡°I also got some health potions, and a mana potion,¡± he said. ¡°What¡¯d you get?¡± he asked as he looked over to me. His tail jerked back and forth with anticipation. ¡°I got three boxes.¡± ¡°Three?! That¡¯s not fair.¡± Paco¡¯s tail lowered and he crossed his arms as he leaned back into the couch. Useless Waste of Meat Box. I sighed and opened it. The box disappeared and raw chicken fell into my lap with a squelching sound. Raw Chicken. You can eat it, but you will get sick. Cook this bad boy up and maybe you¡¯ll make something good out of it. Provides no buffs uncooked. Cooking may provide buffs. Honestly, it¡¯ll probably just restore some health but who cares. Congrats on the chicken! I opened my next box. It was a Wooden Beginner Box. It only had health potions and a single mana potion. ¡°Guess you got the lucky one with the item,¡± I turned to Paco. ¡°Yeah, but your class came with three weapons, I only got one. It¡¯s only fair.¡± I chuckled. Paco was more and more annoyed by the single box. ¡°Woah,¡± I said as Paco and the Grays looked at the last box. Its golden color was covered in blue and green gemstones. Golden Box of the Squire. ¡°I feel like these aren¡¯t the actual names and the AI is just fucking with me.¡± Nope. Totally the names. I ignored the commentary and opened the box. Rainbows and fanfare erupted out of it. I pulled out a single vial. Potion. One time use. There was scribbling after which I couldn¡¯t understand. It was a mix of circles, triangles, squares, and shapes I couldn¡¯t comprehend. You will not be able to read this description until prerequisites have been met. Like it says, one time use. You will know. ¡°Uhhh, okay,¡± I tucked the vial into my inventory. Next to it there were ten money signs. ¡°I guess it¡¯s worth a lot.¡± ¡°How many dollar signs!¡± one of the Grays shouted. ¡°Ten.¡± They all gasped and looked back at each other. ¡°That¡¯s enough to buy your own spaceship. Make sure you keep it safe. You should probably give it to Paco.¡± I looked over to him. He rubbed his hands together. ¡°I¡¯ll keep it,¡± I said. Well okay then. Paco since your party member is so selfish, I¡¯ve decided to give you something myself. ¡°Yes!¡± A hamster appeared on the coffee. It didn¡¯t move. Hamster of Holding. It¡¯s like a Bag of Holding, but it¡¯s cute. Items will be stored in its cheeks. Sometimes they come out a little slimy. Doubles inventory capacity. No, he doesn¡¯t speak. No, he¡¯s not a pet. He¡¯s a hamster that holds things. ¡°Gross¡­¡± ¡°I LOVE it,¡± Paco announced as he picked up the hamster and equipped it. The hamster hung by a string which looped around Paco¡¯s waist. Sorry. It was the best I could do. No one really likes the Hamster of Holding, so they¡¯re generally free to anyone who wants one. ¡°So, can I get one?¡± I asked. I didn¡¯t really want one. But carrying more things would be nice. No. You¡¯re selfish. ¡°That¡¯s fine,¡± I muttered. ¡°So, how do we level up more?¡± I asked as I turned to the Grays. They were still oooing and ahhing at Paco¡¯s new string and hamster. ¡°We can take you to our hunting grounds. There¡¯s a planet a galaxy or two over which is home to some dwarves and dragons. Don¡¯t worry, they keep the peace between each other,¡± one of them said. ¡°Like, real dragons?¡± Paco asked. ¡°Correct, little one. Dragons that shoot fire, sleep on gold, and fly around. They¡¯re not the nicest to visitors, so we¡¯ll take you to the dwarven home. They accept foreigners. You can farm some XP and get some gold.¡± ¡°Sounds like a good plan,¡± I said. ¡°Will any of you be joining us?¡± ¡°Oh, absolutely not. Too dangerous. We¡¯ll drop you in a low-level area and you¡¯ll fight some rats, snakes, rabbits. Maybe cut down a tree or two. Work on just getting your level up. We prefer to stay on the ship rather than fight in hand-to-hand combat.¡± ¡°Uhh, okay. Also, what¡¯re your names? The AI hasn¡¯t told me anything.¡± ¡°I¡¯m Curly. This is John, and that one is Ralph.¡± ¡°¡®Curly¡¯... got it.¡± ¡°Yes, it¡¯s because I¡¯m bald,¡± Curly replied. ¡°Anyway, make yourselves comfortable and DO NOT EAT. Once we jump to the next galaxy you¡¯ll probably be sick and our little robots don¡¯t like cleaning up puke.¡± I looked over to Paco. ¡°No more biscuits, ¡®little one,¡¯¡± I smiled. Paco flipped me off in return and walked over to the manhole cover. He quickly moved it and slammed it shut. I laughed. ¡°You guys made him upset,¡± I said to the Grays in front of me. They shrugged in return. ¡°Better for him to be mad than sick. Poor guy, though. Just wants his biscuits.¡± I sat down on the couch and waited as the Grays disappeared. ¡°What the fuck did I get myself into?¡± Chapter 4 Ha! Idiot. You¡¯re nauseous. Congrats on the debuff. It¡¯ll go away in five minutes, but it¡¯s fun watching you suffer a bit. I stood up and my equilibrium was definitely off. I tried to walk forward, but found myself leaning to one side then the other like I was back on a cruise ship. I put my hand out and placed it on the coffee table as I tried to steady myself. ¡°Nauseous isn¡¯t the right word. I feel like I¡¯m borderline black-out drunk.¡± I attempted to focus my vision. There was a timer steadily clicking down from five minutes. ¡°Okay, it¡¯ll be over soon,¡± I said as I closed my eyes and took deep breaths. ¡°Chris, I don¡¯t feel so good,¡± Paco¡¯s voice came from behind me. It grated against my ears. It was like a child screaming in a restaurant. In that moment, I hated him. ¡°It¡¯s alright, we¡¯ll be okay in a few minutes.¡± ¡°Chris, I frew up,¡± he whined. ¡°It¡¯s all over me and my room.¡± ¡°It¡¯s okay, the robots will clean it. We¡¯ll get you in the shower once the debuff goes away.¡± ¡°No. Curly¡¯s gonna be so mad at me. He told me not to eat and I didn¡¯t listen. Chris, they¡¯re gonna be so mad. I don¡¯t want them to be mad at me,¡± he whined. ¡°Jesus Chris, it¡¯s fine. There¡¯s thirty seconds left,¡± I started counting to myself. The debuff went away and I immediately felt better. I looked over to Paco who was standing there covered in chunky brown vomit. I laughed. ¡°It¡¯s not funny!¡± ¡°You didn¡¯t just eat a biscuit, you ate a lot of them.¡± ¡°I¡¯m going to wash myself off,¡± he shouted as he ran for the bathroom. I heard the water start running. Curly, Ralph, and John came in, but I couldn¡¯t tell which was which. I had names, but there were no identifiable features to them. I waited for one to speak. ¡°How are you feeling?¡± Curly asked. ¡°I feel okay now,¡± I said. ¡°Paco threw up a bit in his room, he¡¯s cleaning himself now.¡± Curly sighed and turned away. ¡°I¡¯ll let the robots know.¡± Paco came out of the bathroom. His eyes were wide and he looked like he was about to cry at a moment¡¯s notice. ¡°I¡¯m sorry,¡± he muttered. ¡°I didn¡¯t listen. And your biscuits are just so much better than that garbage Chris gives me.¡± ¡°Hey!¡± ¡°I¡¯m sorry but it¡¯s true. You humans could learn a thing or two from these guys about appropriate snacks. It¡¯s about balance and flavor. Not just sugar and additives.¡± I rolled my eyes as Curly returned with a robot in tow. He whispered and pointed to the manhole cover on the floor. The robot looked dejected, as if it had taken a big sigh when he looked down at the floor. It wheeled itself over, lifted the manhole, and hopped down. There was a mix of electrical sounds that erupted from beneath our feet. I thought for a moment that the robot had shorted itself out. ¡°Oh, he made a real big mess down there,¡± Curly said. ¡°I didn¡¯t mean it!¡± Paco shouted back. ¡°It¡¯s okay, little one,¡± Curly said as he crossed over and knelt down beside Paco. He rubbed his head. ¡°Are you ready to go on an adventure? You get to use your stick now.¡± Paco¡¯s eyes lit up. He started scampering in circles around the living room. ¡°Okay, but how are we going to get to the planet? Land on it or are you going to teleport us like they do in Star Trek?¡± ¡°Please, that would waste way too much energy. We¡¯re going to land at their starport. We¡¯ll stay there and you guys can explore the town.¡± ¡°Okay. Come on, Paco. Let¡¯s go watch these guys land a spaceship.¡± We walked out the door and went through another series of bulkheads until we arrived at the cockpit. It was massive. At least five times larger than the room where they had strapped me down to the table. The walls were lined with seats, and glass surrounded the entirety of it. Curly stood at the command console in the center of the room while John and Ralph each took a seat on either side of him. ¡°Begin our descent. Increase thrust,¡± he said. The Gray¡¯s on either side started clicking away at the screens in front of them in unison. It was like watching an opera live. Curly was the conductor, and the other two were the musicians. It truly was a sight to see. The ship lurched forward and I had to plant myself firmly on the ground. ¡°Just like taking the subway,¡± I said to no one in particular. I watched through the glass as we began our descent onto the planet. A wave of blue shimmered as we closed in, then a wave of fire appeared in front of the ship. ¡°What¡¯s that?¡± I pointed and asked Curly. A case of content theft: this narrative is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation. ¡°Shields, of couse.¡± ¡°I kinda figured, but thought I¡¯d ask,¡± I turned to look back at the planet coming into view as we breached the atmosphere. ¡°Small human brain,¡± I heard him whisper. I watched as continents and oceans started to appear more recognizable. Mountains covered in snow littered the landscape, and in the far off distance, I could see a continent covered in soot as black smoke rose from a monstrous volcano which spewed lava down its sides. ¡°Look! That must be where the dragons live!¡± Paco pointed to what I was already looking at. His eyes were wide and he was beaming with excitement. ¡°Where are we landing?¡± I asked. Curly pointed to my left. I could see a beautiful forest. The trees had a mixture of pink and green leaves. They were huge, like redwoods, but not all clustered together. Each tree was about a football field away from the next, at least, I guessed. The ship stopped its descent abruptly and I felt like I was on the subway again. I braced myself against the console to stop myself from falling over. Paco wasn¡¯t as lucky. He launched over the front and crashed to the floor. ¡°You okay, little one?¡± Curly looked over the console. Paco lifted his hand up. ¡°Yeah, if I had opposable thumbs I¡¯d give you a thumbs up.¡± He stood up and scratched the back of his head. ¡°Good. We¡¯re changing course to the starport.¡± The ship lurched but not nearly as harsh as before. I watched as we coasted through the sky. We buried ourselves in the clouds and when we reemerged, I could see small towns coming into view. Little wooden cabins dotted the landscape between the green and pink leaves. ¡°You know, when you said dwarves, I figured they lived in the mountains.¡± ¡°Oh, they do. That¡¯s where they do most of their work, but they live in the sunlight. Common misconception, but you get the point. They take pride in their work.¡± I saw the starport as we got closer. There was a wooden tower with a layered stone roof. It wasn¡¯t much different than an air traffic control tower. ¡°Yer cleared to land,¡± a gruff voice burst through the comms above our heads. Curly nodded to his co-pilots. There was an open field at the starport, and the ship landed softly. No jarring crash, no noise as it lowered itself into the space it was designated for. No whining of engines. Just a simple descent which felt like parking an electric car. Paco and I followed the Grays through the bulkhead doors and into an airlock. There was a quick hiss as white steam coated us. ¡°Just a decontaminant. Eliminates any viruses or bacteria you may have. Can¡¯t have you killing a bunch of foreigners again with the germs you carry,¡± Curly smiled at me. I nodded. We stepped out from the airlock. There was a set of stairs. Above the sun shone brightly. It was nice feeling the sun on my skin again. Something almost comforting. There was a dwarf waiting for us at the bottom of the staircase. ¡°Ay, nice to see ya¡¯ll again. And you two must be the visitors from Earth,¡± he extended his hand. I shook it. His skin was calloused hard and I thought he might break my hand in the vice-grip. ¡°I¡¯m Chris, and this is Paco.¡± ¡°I¡¯m Brukrag Oakshoulder. But you can call me Bruk.¡± Achievement Unlocked. Visit a foreign planet. And not get killed immediately! Congrats. Though, I would have loved to see a shower of blood and gore the second you got here. Oh well, beggars can¡¯t be choosers. Enjoy your boxes. ¡°Come, come,¡± Bruk waved us on to follow him. ¡°Ya¡¯ll can open your boxes inside. There¡¯s a storm a comin¡¯.¡± I looked up and didn¡¯t see any foreboding clouds. ¡°Really? It doesn¡¯t look like it.¡± ¡°Yer, about an hour out. Needle rain. Pesky.¡± Paco looked up at me. ¡°Chris, what is ¡®needle rain?¡¯¡± I shrugged and followed Bruk into the main building of the starport. Inside there were dwarves everywhere. All of them about four feet tall and stocky. Like, offensive linemen. But not chunks, they were all hiding apps under their clothes. They all reminded me of the Amish in the way they dressed. Very kind. They all waved to us as we passed. ¡°Are we the first visitors from Earth?¡± ¡°Ay, first terrans to ever make it to our home. You¡¯re basically mini-celebrities. It¡¯s an honor. I hope the Orcs are stopped soon, then we can really share our cultures.¡± I wanted to ask what they knew about the attack on Earth, but at that same moment, I didn¡¯t. Hopefully my friends and family were still alive, or saved by another ship. Anything. I didn¡¯t want to think of what they could possibly be doing to destroy Earth, or why they were doing it. We sat down at a large wooden table. It was sturdy, but shorter than I would have liked. My knees were almost touching the bottom of it when I sat down in the small chair. ¡°Open yer boxes, then we can start gettin¡¯ ye¡¯ leveled.¡± Silver Beginner Box. I opened it. There was no fanfare this time. Inside there was a pair of boots. Leather Boots of the Ranger. They¡¯re not the prettiest, or the most manly. Kinda plain, honestly. But they get the job done. You can move stealthily wearing these bad boys. Wearer now makes no noise when walking through brush. Leaves don¡¯t crunch under your feet. Sticks if broken still make a sound, but it¡¯s not nearly as harsh as it would be. You can still draw attention, but most people, animals, or things that hear it probably will just brush it off. Except ghosts, wisps, and other-worldly beings. They¡¯ll probably come. ¡°Neat. This is actually pretty cool,¡± I said as I took off my shoes, placed them in my inventory, and pulled on the leather boots. They resized themselves on my feet which piqued my interest. It felt like I was wearing almost nothing, like I was barefoot with how well they fit. ¡°Okay, now me!¡± Paco screeched. He hopped down from his chair and produced his own loot box. Golden Beginner Box. Free upgrade from Silver since your party member is selfish. I sighed. Paco opened his box and fireworks erupted from it like the Fourth of July. He stared in amazement. Red and Yellow Vehicle. It definitely is a knock-off of those children¡¯s cars everyone either had or used growing up. If you can think it, it can do it! This vehicle has telepathic capabilities. Change the color? Think it. Want it to fly? Too bad, there are limitations, but it can hover and hop. Maybe even glide across the water for a bit, but don¡¯t get too crazy, you¡¯ll probably sink eventually. And please FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON¡¯T THINK IT¡¯LL BLOW UP BECAUSE THIS BAD BOY WILL MOST DEFINITELY EXPLODE. Like, I said, there are limitations, but that is something it will 100% do if you think about it. ¡°This. Is. Awesome! Chris, watch this!¡± I watched as the red and yellow children¡¯s toy turned jet-black. The front turned into one of those plates that old trains had. Then spikes grew out of it. I watched as Paco kept thinking of anything he could. An engine block appeared in the back of it, like one from a drag car. Black smoke started to billow out of the exhaust pipes on either side of it. Everyone cheered and laughed. I looked around at everyone celebrating him, and smiled to myself. I turned back and examined the new vehicle again. Paco¡¯s War Wagon. ¡°Oh, fuck off,¡± I laughed. I watched Paco get into his war wagon and race around the starport. He was doing his with the steering wheel, but that thing went damn fast. More than once did he almost flip over as he drifted the ass-end of that little toy. It was nice to get my mind off of the events of the last two days. He pulled up next to me. ¡°Get in,¡± he said as he reached over and pushed open the door. ¡°I can¡¯t. The roof is in the way.¡± I watched as the car changed shape again. The seat raised higher and part of the roof disappeared so I could sit comfortably. I pulled myself in. A seatbelt magically appeared and buckled itself. Paco took off for the exit. Chapter 5 ¡°Don¡¯t you think we should have asked Bruk where the town is?¡± I shouted over the roar of the engine. Paco had grown more confident in his driving. The war wagon ripped down the dirt road spewing black smoke in its wake. I thought we were gaining speed which only meant that Paco wished for the car to go faster. ¡°I think Mr. Shoulder will be okay with a little fun right now,¡± he said as he took a corner way too hard. We skidded off the road and into a ditch. Thank God I was buckled in, otherwise I would have gotten thrown into a tree. ¡°My wagon!¡± Paco shouted as he hopped out to assess the damage. ¡°It doesn¡¯t look so bad. Maybe you should think of a way for this thing to get more traction, and also a roll cage so if we flip it we don¡¯t, you know, die.¡± Paco walked closer to the war wagon and pulled it into his inventory. ¡°Let¡¯s walk for now,¡± he said. ¡°Maybe we can find some stuff to kill on our way to town.¡± ¡°We don¡¯t even know where it is.¡± ¡°Didn¡¯t you see the signs? While we were driving? It¡¯s 4 miles West.¡± Paco pointed down the road he had tried to turn on to. ¡°No, I was holding on for dear life.¡± ¡°Whatever, let¡¯s go, Chris.¡± Paco scampered off into the woods instead of following the road. ¡°I don¡¯t think we should go this way.¡± ¡°I doubt there¡¯s going to be much this close to the road for us to worry about. Plus, it¡¯ll let you get used to hunting with a bow.¡± Paco started to climb a tree. When he got to one of the larger branches, he equipped his stick as he took the pose of a fencer. He started to swing and stab the air around him. Each time he did, the stick made its classic whooshing sound. I equipped my bow and pulled out one of my arrows. I rested it against the string and walked forward. ¡°You know, this feels pretty natural to me,¡± I said. ¡°Like I¡¯ve done this before.¡± ¡°I think it¡¯s because of our classes. We have basic instincts of how we¡¯re supposed to attack.¡± You are correct, little one. You both have basics that help your class. You¡¯ll have to level up your abilities. Now that you¡¯re not in a safe area, you can see what those abilities are in your hotbar. I looked and saw a few. Hunter¡¯s Instinct. It marked targets within 50 feet of me. Deadeye. That one increased damage 2.5x if I shot something in the head. And I had a magic ability. Heal. It cost 5 mana to cast, but raised my health 50%. ¡°What¡¯d you get?¡± I asked after telling Paco what I had. ¡°I also got Heal. Then there¡¯s Double Slash. It hits a target twice for each swing. There¡¯s a cooldown on it for one minute. If I use a sword it has a 50% chance to inflict Bleed. Right now it has a 5% chance to inflict Stun because I¡¯m using the stick. Then I have Second Wind which grants me 10% of my life back. That has an hour long cooldown.¡± Use that one sparingly. It doesn¡¯t require mana like Heal does, so you can use it after it cooldowns, but it should be used when you desperately need it. Paco climbed back down the tree and came to my side. We walked further West. ¡°Shoot it, Chris,¡± Paco whispered. Ahead of us there was a large bird. It was a Level 5 Demon Hawk. Its wings were obsidian. Its torso was white, and it had bright red eyes. ¡°Okay, just be quiet and stay here,¡± I whispered as I skulked forward. I tried not to step on any twigs even though my boots would deaden most of the noise. I didn¡¯t know anything about this thing, and I didn¡¯t really want to find out. It was only 3 levels higher than us, but I wasn¡¯t comfortable. I pulled myself next to a tree, and slammed down on my Deadeye as I leveled my bow. The arrow loosed itself and pierced straight through the demon hawk¡¯s eye with a sickening squelch. It went out the other side and slammed into a tree. ¡°You did it!¡± Paco yelled from behind. I heard him running through the brush. He pounced and hit me in the shoulders, almost knocking me over. He had used me as a springboard. He rocketed towards the dead demon hawk. I ran over but it had already been looted. ¡°Nothing really here,¡± he said. ¡°That was my loot because it was my kill.¡± ¡°You really are selfish. You got most of the XP for the kill, and now you won¡¯t share the loot? Fine, take it.¡± Paco produced demon hawk breasts. They plopped to the ground in a pile. ¡°Here, take the feathers, too.¡± He handed those to me. They were a mix of white and black. The white ones were shorter than the black ones which had obviously come from the wings of the bird. This story is posted elsewhere by the author. Help them out by reading the authentic version. ¡°What else was there?¡± I asked. ¡°I¡¯m keeping the skull,¡± he retorted. ¡°Skull?¡± ¡°Yeah, it says you can wear it.¡± Paco put the skull on. It formed over his head and resized itself just like my boots had. The beak elongated in front of his face. He truly was something to see. A raccoon wearing a hawk skull. ¡°I hate it,¡± he said as he took it off and stowed it into his Hamster of Holding. I watched as the hamster opened its mouth and swallowed the skull. It had enlarged itself, then shrunk down to its original size. The whole scene was off-putting to say the least. My XP bar had gone up halfway from killing the hawk. Paco¡¯s went up about a quarter of the way. It wasn¡¯t much, but if we kept killing low-level enemies, surely we¡¯d hit level 3 by the time we made it to town. We heard a screech that sounded like nails against a chalkboard mixed with metal scraping against metal. Paco¡¯s tail shot straight up, and his eyes grew wide as the hair on my arms stood at attention. We both turned our heads around and saw it. Level 15 Demon Hawk. This is the mother of the Demon Hawk you just killed. Poor baby. He was just venturing outside of the nest for the first time and Chris decided it would be a good idea to put an arrow right through its soft, squishy eyeball like it was a juicy grape. Now mama is mad. Like, really mad. Enraged even. She¡¯s coming for you. Luckily dad hasn¡¯t heard the news yet. You¡¯d be all around fucked if he wasn¡¯t at work. ¡°Run!¡± I shouted to Paco. The demon hawk was massive. Easily the size of a black bear. Her color was the same except for a few red feathers that sat atop her head. She screeched again before she opened her wings to take flight towards us. Even with my new boots, I heard the leaves crunch and twigs break as he ran towards town. We aimed for a denser section of trees hoping it would stop the demon hawk from getting to us too quickly. Paco looked up to the sky and saw her soaring overhead. He pointed at her. It was like a goddamn police helicopter circling, waiting for the criminal to come back into view. ¡°What¡¯s the plan, Chris,¡± Paco said panting as we started to slow. ¡°We have to get to town, we¡¯ll be safe there at least.¡± ¡°How do you know that?¡± ¡°In all of the games I played, the town is almost always safe.¡± ¡°This isn¡¯t a game, Chris!¡± ¡°I know, but maybe the dwarves can help us.¡± ¡°Mr. Shoulder is going to be pissed at you. Not at me. But definitely at you,¡± Paco said. I rubbed my hands against my face. I just wanted to be home. ¡°Let¡¯s go.¡± I turned and started going through the denser trees towards town. The demon hawk continued to screech overhead as we made slow progress. I was grateful that the leaves of the canopy were thick, even though it made this section of forest more miserable to get through. As the forest grew less dense, we could see the fortifications for the edge of town maybe a quarter mile away. A massive wall of wood stood surrounded the area. Each log was sharpened into a point. We waited just at the edge of the woods. ¡°Hold on,¡± Paco said before he turned and ran back the way we came. ¡°What the hell is he doing?¡± Hunting. The AI on my arm decided to chime in. ¡°For what?¡± Paco re-emerged from the denser section holding a snake. Level 2 Snake. Nothing special. Poisonous. Don¡¯t get bit. This was the shortest description I¡¯d seen in a while. Then I noticed Paco was now level 3. ¡°Congrats,¡± I said. ¡°Thanks, I¡¯m gonna keep the teeth.¡± ¡°How¡¯d you know it was back there?¡± ¡°I saw it when we were running, but I was more worried about staying alive than whacking it with my stick.¡± He threw it on the ground in front of me. Sure enough, it had no teeth. ¡°Keep the meat if you want.¡± I inspected it and stuffed a single Snake Cutlet into my inventory. ¡°Okay, so what¡¯s the plan?¡± Paco said as he came and stood next to me at the edge of the forest staring at the town. ¡°Take out your war wagon and see if it runs. That¡¯s our best bet.¡± Paco¡¯s War Wagon dropped in front of us. It was still spewing black smoke and the engine still ran. Paco hopped into it and revved the engine. ¡°I think it works,¡± Paco said as he tried to adjust the rearview mirror which magically appeared. I hopped in and nodded to Paco. He floored it so hard that my head hit a piece of the roof as I was thrown back into my seat. This time I didn¡¯t buckle in. I needed a clear view when mama bird came screeching. ¡°Give it more power,¡± I shouted as I produced my bow. The demon hawk was now in full view. She soared above the trees and dove down behind us. She was lining up for the kill. I watched as her feet turned to a chrome color, and her talons elongated at least 3 feet. She had definitely cast some kind of spell or ability and I knew that if she caught up, we were most certainly dead. ¡°I¡¯m trying! But it¡¯s fighting me! It doesn¡¯t want to go any faster!¡± ¡°Shit,¡± I said. I knocked one of my precious arrows and loosed it at the hawk. I missed entirely. I pulled another and let it fly. Still missing. ¡°We¡¯re almost there!¡± Paco shouted. ¡°Third time¡¯s the charm,¡± I whispered as I tried to calm my breathing. I let the arrow go and it soared and found the mark. The demon hawk screamed bloody murder. A health bar appeared above it. It had barely gone down. But it did what I needed it to. She veered off and circled back. The gates to the town opened and Paco slammed on the brakes. I watched the world spin as I was tossed through the open section of the war wagon. Chapter 6 My head was pounding. I sat up and the vertigo kicked in. Buildings spun, and shapes of dwarves came to my side. I looked at my inventory. My health was red. I slammed my Heal spell and watched my health climb back up. It took a moment to register, but the obvious concussion slowly faded. Paco came bounding over to me and plopped down. His tail twitched as he did so. He looked scared, but also excited from the rush of adrenaline coursing through his body. ¡°They killed the mama bird once we got inside. Ballistas appeared out of those two roofs,¡± he pointed at a pair of buildings. There were no ballistas on top of them. ¡°Where¡¯d the ballistas go?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know. There was a crunching sound and they slowly descended. I guess they¡¯re on like an elevator.¡± ¡°Interesting,¡± I said looking down at the raccoon. He was twiddling his fingers. ¡°What¡¯s wrong?¡± ¡°They wouldn¡¯t let me keep the talons of it. I wanted them.¡± ¡°Well, it wasn¡¯t your kill. You can¡¯t go stealing everything just because you want it.¡± Paco looked up at me in annoyance. ¡°I know,¡± he muttered. ¡°But I still want them.¡± ¡°Maybe we can level up and get you some talons later.¡± ¡°Like a quest?!¡± ¡°Yes, like a quest.¡± New Quest! This is a party quest. Get Paco the talons of a Demon Hawk. A mother or a father will do. Baby Demon Hawk¡¯s will not drop talons as loot. Do they have magical properties? Who knows! Only one way to find out. Reward: Nothing. You get talons that you have to give Paco. ¡°Chris, our first real quest,¡± his eyes lit up. ¡°Yeah, I got the same thing,¡± I said scrolling through my menu. I pushed myself up off the ground now that the world had finally stopped spinning. Paco walked on all fours. It was strange to me. He could obviously run on both legs with whatever the Grays did to him, but he still chose to walk around like the raccoon I knew him as. There were dwarves throughout the town. The women dressed like old-timey fantasy women with white blouses and brown dresses which had overall straps going over their shoulders. Most of the men were clad in leather and animal pelts. There were foxes, coyotes, and the occasional albino animal skin draped over their shoulders as we walked further into town. I opened my map and could see the center filled with merchants. ¡°Let¡¯s go here,¡± I pointed to my map. A red ping placed itself. I put my map away and saw that the marker had generated itself into the world. There was a glowing beam which reached to the sky in front of us. Reading on this site? This novel is published elsewhere. Support the author by seeking out the original. ¡°Chris, do you think other people can see that?¡± Before I could speak, the AI chimed in. No. This is a marker designated only to the party. Unless, of course, someone has a spell that allows them to see markers by other people. Then, that would be bad. Highly unlikely here, but still, keep that in mind, little one. ¡°Understood,¡± I said. The center of town was bustling with people laughing, playing music on instruments I didn¡¯t understand, and dancing. Merchants argued back and forth with customers and sold their wares. ¡°By the gods!¡± A familiar voice shouted. ¡°Mr. Shoulder!¡± Paco shouted as he ran up to the dwarf. ¡°We thought you were dead once you took off in your war wagon.¡± ¡°Good to see you, Bruk,¡± I said as I nodded my head. ¡°By the ax of Lord Greatwood, may our swords never dull and our shields never splinter. With his fury may the ground we walk upon give way to dust and rubble. With his patience may the waves still and the winds fall silent in our presence. With his mercy, may our souls find peace within the earth we once emerged. Lord Greatwood, guide my hand. I am Brukrag, your humble vassal, come to this land to do thy bidding until I am once again called home. Hoy.¡± ¡°What?¡± I asked. ¡°It¡¯s just a prayer in my culture.¡± ¡°Who¡¯s Lord Greatwood?¡± Paco asked. ¡°Not now, little one. I¡¯ll tell you at our feast later,¡± Oakshoulder reached town and patted Paco on the head. ¡°Feast?¡± ¡°Of course! Always a feast when we have guests.¡± He laughed a hearty laugh. ¡°Let me show you the guest quarters. Come.¡± Oakshoulder turned away and started walking away from the center. The buildings became less ornate as we walked a couple blocks. The wood carvings slowly disappeared and all that was left were wooden buildings shaped like blocks. ¡°Pick any of ¡®em, they¡¯ll take you to your rooms.¡± Oakshoulder waved his arm at a row of buildings. All brown. All brown doors. All handles made of wood. ¡°Where should we meet you later for the feast, Mr. Shoulder?¡± ¡°Pull up your map.¡± Paco scrolled through his menu and got to his map. I watched as Brukrag touched the empty air in front of him. There was a blue marker that appeared. ¡°How¡¯d you do that?¡± ¡°I¡¯m the Mayor of this town. I have abilities to do things most can¡¯t. You¡¯ll find other mayors can do this as well,¡± he said. ¡°Anyway, go there where the sun begins to set. It¡¯s time for me to go. By the ax of Lord Greatwood, may our swords never dull and our shields never splinter. With his fury may the ground we walk upon give way to dust and rubble. With his patience may the waves still and the winds fall silent in our presence. With his mercy, may our souls find peace within the earth we once emerged. Lord Greatwood, guide my hand. I am Brukrag, your humble vassal, come to this land to do thy bidding until I am once again called home. Hoy.¡± He nodded and turned away before Paco or I could say anything. ¡°Okay, so which one?¡± Paco asked. ¡°Any of them. Just go to that door,¡± I pointed at the closest building. I put my hand on the wooden handle, depressed it, and opened the door. Inside was our common room just as we had left it. Paco¡¯s eyes widened. ¡°That¡¯s crazy,¡± he whispered before he trotted off and pulled the manhole cover to his room. I watched his feet and tail slide away. Chapter 7 ¡°Hey, Chris,¡± Paco lifted the manhole cover to his room and peeked out. ¡°Do you wanna go explore the town a bit before the feast?¡± ¡°Yeah, we should probably get our bearings a bit.¡± I had been sitting on the couch scrolling through my menus and hotlisting items I thought would be beneficial. It was mainly a way for me to get used to pulling them up in case of a fight. I specifically set that secret potion as the last option should it ever tell me what it did. I wasn¡¯t holding my breath based on the description. Paco and I went out in search of any businesses. We didn¡¯t have any gold, but at least we could get the lay of the land once we started leveling up and coming back here. ¡°What¡¯s that?¡± he pointed at a building with a black anvil engraved in the side. ¡°A blacksmith. They make armor and swords. It looks like the one with the books is probably spells. The bottle is potions.¡± I started listing off things without truly knowing, but having played enough games in my life, I¡¯d assumed I was correct. ¡°What about the bed?¡± ¡°Maybe an Inn?¡± ¡°Why do they need an Inn if they have an entire section for visitors?¡± ¡°Good question, wanna check it out?¡± I didn¡¯t get an answer. Paco ran towards the door and opened it. Inside there was a female dwarf behind the bar. She was surrounded by taps for beer. There was a pleasant aroma coming from somewhere. It was a mixture of beef, thyme, and oregano. Paco was already at the bar talking her ear off. ¡°Chris! This is Wilduwen Maplefinger. She¡¯s really nice.¡± ¡°Oh stop, sweetie. I¡¯m plenty mean to the regulars here. You guys caused quite the commotion already. We all thought our new visitors were killed immediately. That would have been a sad time.¡± ¡°Yeah, and then we met back up with Mr. Shoulder and he¡¯s gonna have a feast for us tonight.¡± ¡°Mr. Shoulder?¡± she asked. ¡°Brukrag Oakshoulder,¡± I interjected. ¡°Oh! The mayor. A fine gentleman and a great leader. He fought an entire army of Goblins in his younger years with his wolf, Dimitry. Poor thing.¡± ¡°What happened?¡± Paco asked. ¡°Dimitry unfortunately succumbed to his wounds. He carries him around wherever he goes now.¡± ¡°Is that the white cloak he wears?¡± ¡°That is correct, sweetie. It¡¯s a great honor for a man to personally skin and tan the hide of a warbeast. It¡¯s a reminder of the bond they once shared. May they meet again at the gates of Elysium,¡± she bowed her head. Paco looked over to me and I knew what was coming. ¡°Would you skin and tan me if I died in a great battle with you?¡± ¡°Can I turn you into a hat?¡± I asked. ¡°That¡¯s not funny. I¡¯d rather be a satchel. At least then I¡¯m useful. Or turn me into something cool, like a pair of moccasins.¡± Wilduwen laughed. ¡°You two bickering is really cute.¡± I watched Paco smile and continue asking the bartender questions. I walked around admiring the place. It reminded me of an old western diner. Everything was made out of wood, but the floors looked to be freshly polished. There was not a single mark anywhere to be seen. I walked over and plopped myself down next to Paco. ¡°Anything for you?¡± Wilduwen asked. ¡°No thanks, I don¡¯t have any money. Neither does Paco.¡± ¡°Foolish. You¡¯re great guests in our town. I insist. We have light and dark ale.¡± ¡°I¡¯ll take the light one!¡± Paco shouted. ¡°I guess, I¡¯ll try the dark.¡± Wilduwen stepped away and brought us back two pints. Paco quickly picked his up and started gulping it down. He coughed half of it back into the glass. ¡°This is gross!¡± ¡°Paco! Shut up,¡± I said. ¡°It¡¯s quite okay. It takes a few to get used to the taste. Just sip it and you¡¯ll get used to it,¡± Wilduwen said. I took a sip out of mine. The amber-colored alcohol tasted like cherries and coffee with chocolate mixed in. It immediately went to my head. ¡°This is great, but I already feel drunk.¡± ¡°Yeah, the way we make it gets into your bloodstream faster,¡± Wilduwen laughed. ¡°I¡¯ll bring you guys some waters.¡± I turned toward Paco who was casually trying to sip his without making a face. ¡°Chris, who¡¯s that guy behind you staring?¡± I turned and saw the man Paco was talking about. He looked like Aragorn from the Lord of the Rings movies when he sat alone at the pub. He had a black cloak pulled up covering his face, but I could see the glinting of eyes beneath the darkness of his hood. Love this story? Find the genuine version on the author''s preferred platform and support their work! ¡°Excuse me, Wilduwen,¡± I said when she came back with our waters. ¡°Who¡¯s the guy in the corner?¡± I gave a slight tilt of my head as she looked over to him. ¡°I, uh, I think you should quit drinking and go over to talk to him,¡± she said with wide eyes. She took our glasses away and walked to the back of the Inn. I looked at Paco who was growing more nervous by the moment. I watched him rub his hands together and look every which way he could as he purposely tried to avoid eye contact with the cloaked man. ¡°Come on,¡± I said as I pushed myself away from the bar. Paco: Chris, I don¡¯t want to. Chris: I don¡¯t either. He¡¯s making the hair on my arms stand up, but Wilduwen said we should. Paco: Okay, but you go first so if anything happens I¡¯ll go get Mr. Shoulder. I sighed and walked over to the table. I grabbed the chair directly opposite the man and Paco stood next to me, never sitting down. ¡°Hello, friendsss,¡± the man hissed. ¡°Hello,¡± I said shortly. ¡°What bringsss you here?¡± I looked at Paco who had his shoulders hunched as he continued to rub his paws together. ¡°We saw you looking at us. We were wondering who you were and just wanted to introduce ourselves. I¡¯m Chris, and this is Paco.¡± ¡°I¡¯m Sssly. Your friendly neighborhood merchant. Please, step inssside.¡± I watched the cloaked man wave his hand to the side. A door appeared on the wall. It was wide open, but I could not see anything but total darkness. Paco: Chris. We shouldn¡¯t. I looked around. There was no one else in the place with us. Chris: I don¡¯t think we have much of a choice in the matter. I walked up the empty void and felt it pulling me in. Then the world went black. I was sitting on the ground of another in. It was much like the one me and Paco were in. Only this one had no ornate carvings on the walls. The bar reminded me of a hipster joint back on Earth. Probably something you¡¯d see on Instagram or in New York City. It was chic. I saw an open windowed kitchen off to the side with a man by the oven. Paco sat next to me. ¡°Welcome to my Inn, friendsss. I¡¯m Sly. And back there is my loyal co-hort, Jordan. He¡¯s also from Earth. I saved him many yearsss ago.¡± ¡°Where are we?¡± I asked as I pushed myself off the floor and watched as Jordon came out of the kitchen and stood behind the bar. ¡°A pocket dimensssion. It allowsss me to peddle my food and drink without any interruption.¡± ¡°Why bring us here then?¡± ¡°I¡¯m alwaysss interested in new visitorsss. And with the Orcsss at large, I wanted Jordon to meet people from his world.¡± ¡°You really brought a dirty raccoon in here?¡± the man shouted at Sly. ¡°Behave. We have guestsss.¡± ¡°What¡¯s this ¡®we¡¯ shit? You abducted me to cook for people. I didn¡¯t want this. And now I have to clean up after a rabies-ridden animal.¡± ¡°Ignore him. He getsss moody sometimesss.¡± I looked over at Paco who looked like he was about to cry. ¡°Chris, I don¡¯t have rabies. I¡¯m just a little guy.¡± ¡°I know. It¡¯s okay,¡± I put my hand on Paco¡¯s back while I dug around in my pocket for a biscuit from the Grays. I handed it over to Paco who chewed on it slowly. ¡°Please, come and sssit,¡± Sly said as he walked over to the bar. ¡°Come on, Paco,¡± I said as I turned to him. He was still chewing on his biscuit depressingly. The high-top chair grated against the wooden floor with a horrific screech. I sat and saw the chair next to me slowly pull itself out. Paco climbed up and sat at the bar. He placed his biscuit down. Crumbs of it littered the spot in front of him. I watched Jordon sigh as he picked up the biscuit, placed it on a black paper napkin, and wiped the crumbs away. ¡°Have anything you¡¯d like from our menu,¡± Sly said next to me. I tried to look beneath his hood, but all I could see was the twinkling of two eyes. They reminded me of diamonds glittering in the sunlight. ¡°What¡¯re you guys known for?¡± I asked. ¡°A little bit of this, a little bit of that. Jordon here makes the bessst coleslaw.¡± ¡°Fuck you. Why would you even tell them that?¡± Jordon was visibly angry at the man wrapped in darkness. ¡°It¡¯sss true. Our best seller.¡± I looked over to Paco who had finished his biscuit. He seemed genuinely interested in what was occurring next to us. ¡°One coleslaw, please,¡± he said. I watched Jordon sigh as he turned to me. He raised his eyebrows as he put his arm on the bar. ¡°Yeah, I¡¯ll do one, too.¡± ¡°Great,¡± he said with a disgusting attitude as he walked off towards the kitchen. I turned my attention to Sly. ¡°Now that you got us here, anything I should know?¡± ¡°No, just enjoy the food. Call upon me whenever you need, and we will come.¡± ¡°Sounds a little suspect, honestly. Why are you being so nice to us?¡± I watched the man shrug. He put his hands on the bar and a glass of alcohol appeared before him. I watched as he put it up to his hood. The liquid disappeared instantly. When he put the glass back down, it refilled magically. Jordon returned and aggressively placed two bowls of coleslaw in front of each of us. Forks clattered on the bar. ¡°Eat,¡± he said. Paco didn¡¯t say anything. I watched as he scooped some coleslaw. His eyes widened like he had fallen in love. ¡°This is the BEST thing I¡¯ve ever had. Chris, really, you need to try it. It¡¯s better than the biscuits from the Grays,¡± he said between mouthfuls of food. I grabbed the fork and tried it myself. It really was the best coleslaw I¡¯d ever had. I now understood why they were known for it. ¡°Why do you hate making this so much? It¡¯s delicious,¡± Paco asked. ¡°Doesn¡¯t matter. Hate it. Worst thing ever. I¡¯d rather make mac and cheese.¡± Jordon walked off again. ¡°So, how do we get in touch with you if we want to visit again?¡± I asked Sly. He had been chuckling to himself the entire interaction. ¡°I¡¯ll be here and there. Jussst sssay my name, and I¡¯ll find you. Jordon, pleassse see our guesssts out.¡± Jordon returned carrying a wooden door. He stepped out from behind the bar and slammed it on the ground. It stood up without him holding it. ¡°Go on,¡± Jordon said. ¡°Get out. I need to clean up after that thing.¡± Paco finished the last of his coleslaw as quickly as possible before patting himself on the stomach. I grabbed what was left of my bowl and quickly stuffed it into my inventory. I didn¡¯t think Sly would mind too much. ¡°Just go through the door?¡± I asked Sly as we walked over to it. The hooded man nodded in return. I depressed the handle and swung the door open. The blackness on the other side had returned. Once again I felt the pull of eternity sucking us in. I blinked as I sat on my ass in Wilduwen¡¯s inn. Paco was right next to me. ¡°Welcome back,¡± she said from the bar. ¡°How was your meeting with that god of chaos?¡± ¡°He was actually quite pleasant,¡± I said. Paco ran over and dragged himself onto the chair in front of Wilduwen. ¡°His cook isn¡¯t the nicest person. He called me a ¡®rabies-infested rat.¡¯ It really hurt my feelings. But he made us coleslaw and it really was the best thing I¡¯ve ever had. And then Sly said we could call on him anytime we wanted and he¡¯d come. I wanted to have more coleslaw but I knew we had the feast coming up with Mr. Shoulder and I didn¡¯t wanna be too full for it,¡± Paco was running out of breath as he spoke. ¡°Yes, little one. The feast is going to start soon. I¡¯m closing up shop. I did my last call already. You two should hurry along. It would be rude for our guests to be late,¡± Wilduwen gently nudged Paco. ¡°Come on,¡± I said. ¡°Let¡¯s go see Bruk.¡±