《I Am Jealous Of God Krishna !!》


 The Glitch

    Some people in life are the gifts of God, while others seem just like God themselves. Doesn''t by reading this thought strike a chord in your heart? I know it does... because I know you''re reading this, and this is for you only.


    I came into this world before the first rays of the sun kissed the earth, as if my destiny was intertwined with the moon. Perhaps the moon itself was my soulmate, present to witness my birth. But no... my moon wasn''t a celestial body... my moon was Krishna. Like the moon, he was eternal-existing long before my arrival and destined to shine long after my departure.


    As a child, I was always silent-calm on the outside, but a storm was always brewing within. My inner chaos was a labyrinth, and I often wondered who, if anyone, could navigate its twists and turns. Who could understand the dissonance within me? Then I found my answer..... it''s him...it''s Krishna. The one who didn''t just tolerate my true self; but also embraced it. He was the only one who didn''t just know my laughter but also understood the sour taste of my tears.


    When the world slept, and I stayed awake in midnight darkness, drowning in the solitude of my dark thoughts, he was the only one there for me. Perhaps he was invisible to others, but I could feel his presence as if he were right beside me. His love was a touch without physical form, a whisper without sound.


    There were many incident happened in my life from which I could see his direct self ....they were moments unexplainable, magical type.... when I used to feel his direct intervention in my life. I called these moments as "glitches" in his divine matrix. because mostly he don''t want to take credits but sometime his efforts overflow from his dimension and causes glitch to the matrix .... and all he try to cover his love in the name of illusions....but only a lover could feel the lover''s efforts .... and I don''t know how but I fell in love with his illusions .....


    So loving him is a very different process for his all devotees.... sorry I must say lovers....but it''s ok to call his lovers as devotees.... because loving someone by worshiping is also a form of love....He take care all his beloved ones and even writes a unique story for every individual .....Isn''t it fascinating?.... The effort he puts in for every individual, all while trying not to be noticed. But here''s a little secret...Krishna does like to be noticed.


    To me, he is like a small child, innocent, playful, and brimming with excitement-waiting for his beloved ones to find him in his blue world and embrace him tightly. So, When someone beloved reaches the door of his divine realm, he blushes from behind the door, eagerly waiting for them to unlock it with the right key.


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    Do you know he is so much excited for the reunion that sometime, he leaves a cheat code for his loved ones....which is like his phone number.... A way to connect with him during their journey of finding the right key. This cheat code is art-the bridge between his world and ours. Art can manifest in many forms: singing, writing, dancing, acting, cooking, painting, and trust me there are many other hidden ways that I didn''t mentioned .... For me, it was painting.


    At first, painting was just a hobby. But over time, it became something personal-something that belonged only to him. when I start doing painting for him that time I got to know a little detail about him..... Like how he created this universe and gave love one of the top priorities of human after basic needs ....so love must be quite important for him too!!.... As an artist, whenever I create something, I leave my signature on it. Krishna did the same..... He gave his signature to every organism, and that signature was love. It was his way of marking us as his own.


    Sometimes I wonder about the love he must carry within himself. An infinite reservoir of affection, and yet, he still yearns for it. Isn''t it similar to how we''re told to love ourselves, yet we still crave the love and affection of others?....I know.... He is the creator of the universe, he is beyond everything, and yet, he is a part of us....he is just like us.


    I''m sorry for this long lecture about love, but I wanted to start this story with him... because he is the reason I''m writing it. I wanted to write this to make you understand my pov of this story in a better way. And you know what... you are an important part of it.


    Do you know, I still remember the first day I saw you? "Excuse me!" That''s all you said.


    I turned around, startled, near the temple stairs. There you were, with shining messy hair, a broken dimple with a small black mole on your left cheek.


    "Do you know the painter of this art? ....Actually, I saw colors on your bag, so I thought maybe you know the artist," you asked with emotions of mix confusion and strange calm charm, with eyes that seemed to shine like sparkle...You were holding one of my paintings in which I portrayed Krishna with green skin, blending him into the grass of the ground. His eyes were like two lotus flowers resting on the grass, his lips like two fallen rose petals, and his nose like raw fruit. His hair resembled messy leaves fallen from the trees, just as if my heart had fallen from my soul for him.


    "Umm... maybe,...yes," I stammered, my heartbeat started racing. I was the painter that you were searching, but your sudden question left me utterly blank and nervous.


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 [Chapter - 2]

    You just kept looking at me... For a second, I got confused by your gaze... For a moment, it felt like I knew you... and you knew me well too.


    I took the art from your hand and started looking at it. It was the artwork I had made for Krishna last night and gifted to Him at this temple.


    "This art was for Krishna... Why are you stealing it?!" I asked, looking directly into your eyes.


    "No... no!!!" you blurted out in response, as if you were the real thief.


    I don''t know why, but a smile came automatically after seeing your innocent thief-like face.


    "So why did you take it from the temple... if you haven''t stolen it?" I asked softly.


    "I just wanted to talk to its artist... actually... and I thought you might know who it is... because you have colors on your bag," you started over-explaining with a nervous expression.


    "Ohhh... You can share the message. I will convey it to the artist," I said, hiding my smile, as I wanted to play along.


    "No... actually, it''s something personal... But if you know the artist, please convey one thing... that something is missing in every artwork. Actually, I''ve been observing the art for a long time... that''s why I said it...."


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    "Ummmm... Reallyyyyy??? What''s that?" I asked with curiosity.


    "That''s something personal that I want to convey to the artist only... That''s why I asked you...."


    "Ohh... if it''s like that, then I will make you meet the artist tomorrow...!!" I said, faking a smile, as I wanted to talk to him about my art without revealing the truth.


    "By the way, tell the artist that they must have a love ocean inside them... as the art reflects love rivers flowing with every brushstroke... for Krishna... I mean, God Krishna."


    I thought to myself¡ªthis was the most unique compliment I had ever received, not just for my art but also for my Krishna. Actually, I had never expressed my love for Krishna in public. I always feared what society would think if they knew I loved and adored God Krishna as my lover Krishna.


    But when he mentioned Him first as "Krishna" and then corrected himself as "God Krishna," I found myself wondering¡ªIs he just like me? Hiding the blue ocean out of society''s fear, like the earth tries to hide the ocean with one-fourth of land?


    I just smiled. I didn''t want to show my inner happiness because, for me, it was quite awkward to open up to a stranger.


    "Why don''t you tell the artist tomorrow...? Bye, I have to go now!" I turned around shyly after finishing my last word.


    As I moved forward in the other direction, he called out loudly from behind, "Please don''t forget to convey my message...!"


    While going back home, I kept thinking about him. It was an unusual thing for me, so my whole focus remained on him.


    And the next day, when I met him again, I got to know...


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 [Chapter - 3] MY DIARY

    26/11/----


    Dear diary,


    I am writing this because I just can''t take it anymore... You know, I feel like a mad person who has fallen in love. I''m not ranting¡ªI just want to express myself. As you know, I don''t have many people in my life except for you and my Krishna...


    He was always there for me. When my parents left this earth, it felt like He took their place. Since then, He has been with me¡ªgiving me company of my loving grandparents and some good friends. But do you know what the most precious thing He gave me is.....?.... Her.


    I really, really love her. I don''t know why, but there''s something magical about her that makes me feel alive. I want to tell her everything in person. I want to pour my heart out to her. But whenever I see her, it feels like my heart skips a beat. I don''t know how, but a smile automatically appears on my face just by looking at her.


    Do you know how I fell in love with her?


    The first time I saw her was in the temple. She was writing my beloved Krishna''s name on a piece of paper on which she had painted Him. Her eyes were filled with so much love¡ªit felt as if art itself was creating art.


    For the first time in my life, I felt truly happy about choosing painting as my career.


    I just kept admiring her. I wasn''t looking at her like a creep¡ªI was looking at her secretly. I didn''t want to disturb her love for my dearest Krishna. Ohhh... and her hands, her wrists adorned with bracelets¡ªthey looked so out of this world. Her eyes, whenever she looked up in between drawing, as if Krishna was really sitting in front of her... And in between, when she wiped her hands and face¡ªI don''t know why, but I found every little gesture of hers cute and mesmerizing.


    When she finally completed her painting and took it to Krishna, at that moment, both Krishna and I were smiling at her. Maybe she was talking to Him in her mind.


    I wanted to hear her sweet voice, but I just kept my distance and adored her from afar.


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    "Maybe next time," I told myself.


    My heart felt like it was drowning in water when I saw her walking away, but instead of feeling sad, I thanked Krishna. Because it felt like she was a blessing sent by Him.


    From that day on, I started waiting for her at the same time every day, just to admire her from afar. And whenever she gifted her painting to Krishna, I would stare at it and imagine her creating it. How adorable she must have looked while making it... She painted Krishna in so many different ways¡ªit felt like as if she had seen all His colors.


    And because of her, I also started seeing Krishna in different colors.


    I don''t know how, but she turned my entire blue world into a colorful one.


    Finally, one day, after preparing myself for so long, I gathered the courage to talk to her.


    I don''t even know how I managed to say those two words¡ª"Excuse me."


    My whole body felt warm, my legs were shaking, and my voice kept echoing in my head. But somehow, I managed to stand still when I saw her beautiful angel-like eyes.


    And then... she answered me in her sweet tone.


    I don''t know why, but I melted instantly. The whole world felt like it was moving in slow motion.


    I was so nervous that I couldn''t express much to her that day. But somehow, I managed to compliment her and fix a meeting for the day after tomorrow.


    Do you know...? That whole night, I couldn''t sleep. I was blushing while walking, while eating...


    Yes, I''ve had crushes before, but I don''t know why this feels like more than just a typical crush.


    I don''t know how many times I replayed the memory of our interaction while lying in bed. And every time, I ended up smiling like a fool to my dear flower...


    The next day, after waking up, I felt so restless. It was as if someone had slowed down the hands of the clock. But somehow, I managed to pass the time with my busy grandparents and my dearest friend, Krishna.


    And finally, the time arrived.


    I reached the temple an hour early. To pass the time, I started admiring Krishna''s painting displayed on the temple wall. I kept talking to Krishna in my mind, thanking Him for sending an angel as sweet as Him into my life.


    And then...


    Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee arrived.


    And once again, my heart skipped a beat as soon as I saw her.


    Her earrings were swinging... just like my heart was swinging for her at that moment.


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 [Chapter - 4]

    Ohh, my Krishna... The moment she smiled at me, I felt like I was on some kind of drug. No, really¡ªit felt like I was under some magical effect. Her left cheek dimple perfectly completed my right cheek dimple. I know I was probably overthinking and feeling too much at that moment... but trust me, I haven''t even written 1% of what I was experiencing.


    Now, let''s get to the main point. After reaching she smiled and walked inside the temple. I followed her, unable to take my eyes off her. It was the first time I was ignoring my Krishna for someone else.


    I looked at Krishna and spoke to Him in my mind¡ª"Can you help me in this matter, Krishna? See, this is the first time I''m telling You about someone special. And as an important part of my family, You must help me out. Please, please!"


    I kept chanting His name with my prayers, closing my eyes.


    Suddenly, I heard the sound of her movements. I slowly opened my eyes... and saw her bowing to Krishna at that moment. And once again, my focus shifted from Krishna to her.


    As soon as she stood up and turned around, I quickly shifted my gaze back to Krishna¡ªto hide the fact that I had been admiring her.


    "Thank you, Krishna," I murmured under my breath and started walking behind her.


    She turned to me and asked, "So, you want to meet the painter?"


    How could I tell her that I had been waiting for this moment for so long?


    I''m the kind of person who loves to talk, but at that moment, I just wanted to listen to her. So, I simply nodded while looking into her eyes.


    "Actually, I am the painter," she admitted. "I didn''t tell you the truth yesterday... sorry for that."


    "No problem... I mean... actually, it''s alright. I just wanted to meet the painter, so it doesn''t matter," I said, stumbling over my words.


    How could I tell her that I already knew? But I couldn''t reveal that truth to her.


    She smiled, and then... I don''t know what happened to my usual confident way of talking. We both just stood there awkwardly, like fools, in front of each other.


    "So??" she finally broke the silence.


    "So?? What do you mean?" I asked, confused.


    "I mean, you wanted to meet me for a reason, right? That''s why you asked for this meeting. So... what''s the reason?" she asked with a forced smile.


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    "Ohhh... that... yes, yes... actually, I am an art teacher... or well, just a trainee at a nearby institute doing my internship there. And... I''m a big fan of my hero, Krishna. I know it sounds weird, but that''s what I call Him¡ª''hero.'' He''s my best friend, my family, my everything. So when I saw you... I mean, your paintings... I just wanted to meet you and tell you something."


    I took a long breath after saying all that.


    But what the hell did I just say?!


    What if she thought I was weird? Who even says all this in a first meeting?


    I was drowning in these thoughts when suddenly she smiled and said, "Really?! I''m so happy to meet you. Do you know... you''re the first person here who calls Him something other than ''God''? Actually, I just moved here a few months ago, and most people here are very strict about only seeing Him in His divine form. So I always felt a little... out of place. And look! Today, I told Him about this, and He made me meet you!" "By the way, what was that thing you wanted to tell me? I''m curious."


    I hesitated for a moment but then spoke, "Actually... your paintings say a lot about your love for Him. Even if you hadn''t told me, I already knew that you love Him as more than just God. The way you paint Him... it feels like you have a deep, personal connection with Him. But still, I feel like there''s something you always try to hide. It''s as if you''re suppressing something."


    She looked at me, surprised. "Like what? Sorry, I don''t understand."


    "It feels like you''re trying to hide Him... not Krishna, but your relationship with Him... in your paintings," I said, hesitating a little, because I truly felt it.


    She looked away for a moment before replying, "Umm... thanks for telling me that. Actually... I''m not sure how to explain it. I''ll tell you the reason another time. But thank you for telling me."


    Her face showed nervousness, so I decided to change the topic.


    "Wait... I have something for you. This color set," I said, pulling it out of my bag with slightly shaking hands.


    "I can''t take it..." she said, giving me a forced smile.


    "Take it as a gift from my hero¡ªI mean, Krishna. I know you can''t say no to Him," I said, placing the color set in her hands.


    "Ohhh... thanks... I... I will also gift you something. I mean, your hero... next time," she said, looking at the colors and then at me.


    "Sure, sure! Then gift Him a portrait of Him made by you. But this time, don''t suppress your feelings¡ªjust go with the flow!" I said with a smile.


    She smiled back and said, "Sure... but I need some time for that. My exams are starting soon, so I''ll make it sometime next week."


    "That''s fine. Your Krishna will wait for you," I answered with a smile.


    We both laughed, and after some time, she left for home.


    I watched her walk away, but this time I was feeling so happy.


    That whole night, I kept humming a love tune.


    And from the next day, we started meeting daily at the temple at the same time.


    Soon, our friendship deepened... and I found myself falling for her even more and more.


    I used to confess my feelings about her to Krishna...after all, He was my best friend and the only one I could talk to about her.


    She always started our conversations with Krishna, and somehow, we always ended them with Him too.


    And in the process... I found myself getting even closer to Krishna.


    Because Krishna was her favorite too.


    And as people say... in love, your lover''s favorite things slowly become your favorite too


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 [Chapter - 5]

    I used to share with her the stories of Krishna''s devotees that my grandma used to tell me, and in return, she would tell me unique facts and details about His paintings. As a painter myself, I always tried to predict her emotions through her artwork and even shared correction ideas with her.


    In short, I got a chance to spend time with her only because of Krishna.


    Everything was going well...


    Then, suddenly, on February 14th, I decided to confess my feelings to her. I was madly in love with her, and it felt like I could no longer bear the weight of my one-sided love.


    The entire night before, on February 13th, I kept practicing my confession speech. But the moment I saw her smiling on the temple stairs, I forgot everything. My entire speech vanished.


    All I could remember was... her cute, smiling face.


    So, I simply smiled back at her, and together, we entered the temple and stood before Krishna''s idol.


    I slowly closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and as I opened my eyes and was about to express my feelings in front of Krishna and her...


    She interrupted me by saying, "I want to show you something."


    My heartbeat sped up. I couldn''t resist her excitement, so I nodded.


    She took out a painting from her bag. In the painting, Krishna''s form was shown inside the moon, and a girl''s hand was reaching out to hold it.


    She looked at me with a spark in her eyes and said, "This time, let me break down the puzzle of this painting for you. I made it using the colors you gave me. So, finally, for the first time, I have expressed my true feelings to Him¡ªwithout any fear. That I love Him... not as a God, but as my lover. And this confession was made possible only because of you."


    Her face was glowing with happiness, like a five-year-old girl who had just received her favorite doll.


    And I... I was feeling like a five-year-old boy whose favorite toy had just been snatched away.


    I looked at Krishna with tears in my eyes. I tried my best to hide them and forced a smile as I replied, "Wow, I''m so happy for you."


    "You know," she continued, "when we first met, you asked me what I was repressing. It took me five months to find the courage to tell you. You gave me the strength to express my love¡ªnot just in my art, but outside my mind, beyond just Him. And you''re the first person I have shared this secret with. Here, have this laddu... let''s have a small celebration for my first Valentine''s Day with Him in public."


    I stood there like a fool in front of her, feeling betrayed by my own best friend.


    Who does this to someone?


    Why did Krishna do this to me?


    As I ate the laddu, I sarcastically looked at Krishna and said in a low tone, "You know what... I think I''m the first person who is jealous of God Krishna."


    "What do you mean?" she asked.


    I forced a laugh. "I mean... you both are a perfect couple. And He got my sweet friend as a lover. So, I''m just teasing Him, that''s all."


    Only I knew the pain I was suppressing behind those words.


    She then started telling me her love story with Krishna, which felt like salt on my wounds. I felt empty inside, yet I forced myself to smile and nod along.


    As we walked outside the temple, a black cat suddenly came near my feet and started following me.


    She looked at the cat and stopped talking and picked up the cat in her arms, petting it gently.


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    In my mind, I thought, "One rival wasn''t enough, now another has come?" (Ek shautan kk thi jo ek or aagyi....)


    I kept smiling forcefully.


    Suddenly, the cat started reaching out toward me as if it wanted to come into my arms. I hesitated but eventually took it and patted its head.


    That''s when I remembered... this cat always roamed near the temple, especially when she was around.


    But why was the cat here now¡ªwhen my heart was breaking?


    Was the cat mocking me?


    Wait... was this cat Krishna''s spy, sent to take care of His dear secret lover?


    This cat... was just like Him.


    A cheater.


    I murmured the name "Kaalu" in my mind.


    She heard it and smiled. "So from today, we''ll call him Kaalu. Look! He loves you so much. Why don''t you take him home?"


    "No, I don''t like cats... especially this one. I have to go," I said, trying to stay calm as I started walking away without looking back.


    It was the first time I left without even glancing at her properly.


    And for the first time... I wasn''t going home alone.


    Kaalu was following me.


    My mood was already off, and Kaalu''s presence made it worse. I overreacted and even yelled at my grandparents later that night, only to feel guilty afterward.


    After a long .... silent battle in my mind with Krishna, I made a big decision.


    For Krishna... I would sacrifice my love. Because He was my best friend, and I couldn''t betray Him. So, I convinced myself to keep my feelings hidden from her.


    From then on, I met her as usual. Even though it hurt inside, I learned to joke with Krishna and her, telling them, "I am jealous of God Krishna."


    And over time... I got used to it.


    Kaalu became my new friend, even though he was also my rival¡ªbecause he got the love of my one-sided lover. But it was fine. I had learned to accept it.


    Slowly, I started increasing my distance from her. The more she said she loved Krishna, the more I felt jealous. I know it sounds stupid, but trust me... at that time, I was worse than a madman.


    =========================


    Then, Suddenly one day, she showed me a new painting. It was different from her usual ones.


    It had small, ring-shaped earrings on Krishna''s ear... similar to mine.


    Wait... did this mean she was developing a soft corner for me?


    Or was I overthinking?


    No... no... why was she acting extra sweet today?


    I didn''t know why, but I started feeling guilty.


    So, I escaped with Kaalu, making up an excuse.


    When I got home, I felt like I was cheating Krishna.


    That feeling overpowered me.


    So, I made a sudden, big decision.


    I would vanish from her life.


    I would never meet her again.


    But before that, I wanted to give her a farewell gift.


    I booked a hotel for her in Vrindavan for a week.


    The next day, I met her and told her I had to leave for a sudden trip abroad¡ªthis was the best excuse I could come up with. I gave her Kaalu to take care of and even lied to my grandparents, knowing she might visit them.


    Then... I vanished.


    I felt broken, guilty, and too ashamed to even talk to Krishna.


    But deep down, I was satisfied... happy for her and Krishna.


    Life went on. I kept myself busy.


    But the guilt never left me.I cut off all contact with her. Until one day...


    I heard that she had died.


    That moment...


    For the first time, I cried nonstop.


    All my jealousy... all my suppressed emotions... came flooding out through my tears. I ran back to my grandparents'' house, where I learned that she had been on her way to Vrindavan when she met with an accident. Hearing this... I felt dead inside.


    How was this even possible? I locked myself in my room. Tears kept falling uncontrollably.I felt numb. I just don''t even want to remember that moment again.


    Fast forward... I ran to her house.


    For the first time, I rang her doorbell because earlier i used to wait for her outside her gate. Her mother opened the door. I gathered all my strength and asked about her in a shaky voice, introducing myself. To my surprise, with that heartbreaking news, she also had something for me. She handed me my own diary. I was shocked to see it in her hands with trembling fingers, I took it and left.


    I sat on the temple stairs and flipped through the pages, my vision blurred with tears.


    Each memory of her came rushing back like an old film reel.


    Then, I saw the last page¡ªthe one I had written before leaving.


    The page where I had confessed my feelings and the reason I left.


    And below my words... was a small note, written in her handwriting.


    As I recognized it, a spark lit in my heart.


    The note was.....


    After reading this... I don''t know how to put it into words, but... thank you. I just want to say thank you. I know things have been difficult for you, yet you still chose to make me happy. I''m sorry that I couldn''t reciprocate your love, but I can send you my best wishes. No matter what, whenever you need me, I will always be there for you¡ªwith my Krishna. And do you know a little secret? That black cat was never your rival. It was just a small gift from Him¡ªto you. And now that I know this... I can finally say¡ªI, too, am jealous of God Krishna. Because He gave you the sweetest gift...kaluu.


    Goodbye... See you soon, with Krishna.


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 [Chapter - 6] The Note...

    Dear Readers,


    Thank you for reading my story... but do you know? That''s not the true ending.


    I changed it¡ªto hide the pain of reality.


    The truth is, I''m writing this book from both her and mine perspective, because... I want to feel her alive again...I want make her and her love towards krishna awake again... Even though her perspective is a lie, it ....But for its..... My only comfort.... My medicine.


    Every time I read these words, I can almost feel her presence. As if she never left. As if she is still here, right beside me talking about her krishna.


    I love her even today. And I will love her for all the days to come.


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    But in reality... she never read my diary. She never knew my truth.


    She died that day¡ªon her way to Vrindavan¡ªwith the ticket I gave her. She left... without ever knowing my confession.


    And now, I carry the unbearable weight of her death on my soul with kalu.


    Yes, I know¡ªthis world is temporary. Everything is Maya, just an illusion.


    But why does my heart refuse to accept that my love for her was also part of this illusion?


    If love is truly Maya... then why does KRISHNA get to love you?


    Why can''t I?


    Is loving someone a sin?


    If it is¡ªthen let the world know, let the heavens hear...


    Yes, I am jealous of God Krishna!


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