《Mud, Sweat and Shillings》


 The Rules of Insanity

    Kimani "Kim" Njoroge had done many stupid things in his life¡ªonce, he bet his entire month¡¯s rent on a pool game against a man with one good eye and perfect aim. But standing at the dusty starting line of the Nyandarua Gauntlet, he knew this topped them all.


    The one-week, no-holds-barred competition had simple rules:


    1. You must reach the final checkpoint.


    2. There are no fixed paths.


    3. Sabotage is not encouraged¡­ but also not illegal.


    That last rule was why Kim flinched when a flaming motorcycle launched into the air beside him, its rider screaming as he crashed into a pile of stolen election posters.


    The race hadn¡¯t even started.


    Kim¡¯s "team" stood behind him, radiating pure disaster energy.


    Amina Mwinyi, a high school teacher, cracked her knuckles. She wasn¡¯t here for the money¡ªshe just needed an outlet for her anger before she started throwing desks in the staffroom.


    Major Otis, a retired "soldier" (who had only fought mosquitos during night patrols), adjusted his fake combat vest. "We move like a covert unit¡ªswift and unseen!" he declared, despite being the loudest human in existence.The tale has been illicitly lifted; should you spot it on Amazon, report the violation.


    Chege wa Munene, their "engineer," had arrived on a homemade bicycle powered by "clean energy"¡ªwhich meant it exploded twice before they even left camp.


    Their first challenge? Survive the starting whistle.


    The gunshot fired.


    Immediately, someone threw a live chicken into Kim¡¯s face.


    He staggered, barely dodging a flying jerrycan as rival teams tore through the starting line, kicking, punching, and launching makeshift weapons. The Marauders¡ªa team of steroid-fueled gym bros¡ªtipped over another group¡¯s cart while laughing like movie villains.


    Kim¡¯s team scrambled, weaving through chaos as:


    A tuk-tuk exploded after hitting a hidden landmine (planted by some genius the night before).


    A man on stilts got taken out by a flying coconut.


    A water tanker lost control, creating the first-ever mud tsunami in Gauntlet history.


    Somewhere in the madness, Kim spotted a group that wasn¡¯t running.


    A well-organized, too-disciplined team¡ªmen wearing dark gear, barely reacting to the carnage. One of them even checked his watch like this was a boring Monday.


    They weren¡¯t normal competitors.


    Kim had no time to think about it. Because a runaway wheelbarrow was heading straight for his face.


    As they escaped the madness, Kim¡¯s eyes landed on something strange¡ªa locked steel case in the hands of one of those serious-looking competitors. Heavy. Protected. Important.


    Before he could process it, Chege tripped, hit a wooden sign, and unknowingly flipped the arrow to send half the competitors running in the wrong direction.


    That stupid accident? It would matter way more than anyone realized.


    Because the Gauntlet had just begun¡­ and things were about to get worse.

 The Shortcut to Hell

    Kim spat out feathers and staggered forward. Somewhere behind him, a man was screaming about losing his trousers, and up ahead, a rival team had just been flattened by a runaway donkey cart.


    "We need a plan!" Amina yelled, shoving a cyclist off his bike and hopping on.


    "Plan?" Major Otis scoffed, sprinting beside her. "Real soldiers adapt to chaos!" He immediately tripped over a discarded cooking pot and face-planted into the dirt.


    Chege wa Munene, still dizzy from his earlier fall, pointed at a barely visible path veering off from the main route. "Shortcut!"


    Kim hesitated. "You sure?"


    Chege nodded confidently. "Definitely. Probably. Maybe."


    They had no time to argue. The Marauders were steamrolling through the crowd behind them, tossing people aside like sacks of ugali flour. Kim took a deep breath.


    "Screw it¡ªGO!"


    They darted into the narrow path, cutting through dense vegetation, avoiding the madness of the main road.


    For exactly thirty seconds.This content has been misappropriated from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.


    Then the ground vanished beneath their feet.


    Kim barely had time to scream before they all went tumbling down a steep slope, rolling over rocks, bushes, and¡ªwas that a goat?


    They finally crashed to a stop at the bottom, dazed, bruised, and covered in questionable cow dung.


    Amina groaned, peeling herself off a stunned chicken. "That... was NOT a shortcut."


    Kim wiped mud from his face and looked around. They had landed in the middle of a Maasai cattle auction.


    Hundreds of very confused herders and their equally confused cows stared at them.


    One elder pointed at them. "Who are you?"


    Before Kim could answer, Chege sat up, blinked at the crowd, and confidently declared:


    "We''re the entertainment!"


    The herders cheered.


    And just like that, things somehow got even worse.


    ---


    A large, muscular man in traditional shukas stepped forward. He had the calm confidence of a man who had never lost a fight in his life.


    "You are the entertainers?" he asked, eyes narrowing.


    Chege, never one to back down from bad ideas, nodded enthusiastically. "Of course! And now, for our next act..."


    He turned to Kim and whispered, "Please do something before they kill us."


    Kim sighed, stepped forward, and did the only thing he could think of.


    He started dancing.


    It was terrible.


    Amina and Major Otis stared in horror as Kim flailed his arms like a malfunctioning windmill. The crowd murmured in deep concern.


    "He''s cursed," someone whispered.


    "Maybe he''s possessed?" another suggested.


    Just when it seemed like the situation couldn¡¯t get worse, Major Otis joined in.


    He drop-kicked the air, landed badly, and somehow knocked himself out.


    Silence.


    Then the Maasai elder burst out laughing.


    The entire crowd followed.


    "You fools are insane!" the elder declared, wiping tears from his eyes. "I like you."


    Kim exhaled. Crisis averted.


    Then the elder grinned. "As a reward, you will help us!"


    Kim froze. "Help you with... what, exactly?"


    The elder clapped his hands.


    Immediately, two young warriors emerged, dragging a furious, thrashing bull into the clearing.


    "You will ride Ngamia!" the elder announced.


    Kim gulped.


    The biggest, angriest bull he had ever seen snorted, glaring at him.


    He turned to Chege. "You and your shortcuts."


    Chege grinned. "You''re welcome."

 Ride or Die

    Kim stared at Ngamia, the most muscular, battle-hardened bull he had ever seen. The beast exhaled like a broken steam engine, its horns curved like twin machetes sharpened for war.


    "Ride the bull," the Maasai elder repeated, grinning. "Then we will help you."


    Kim turned to his team. "Uh¡­ alternatives?"


    Amina crossed her arms. "We could fight them."


    Kim glanced at the towering warriors, their spears catching the sunlight in a very intimidating way. "Next idea."


    Major Otis, finally regaining consciousness after his self-inflicted knockout, grinned. "Simple. Bulls sense fear. Just be fearless!"


    Ngamia snorted, stomped the ground, and shattered a rock.


    Kim''s confidence immediately left his body.


    "You¡¯ll be fine!" Chege assured him. "It¡¯s just like riding a bicycle."


    Kim turned slowly. "Chege¡­ have you ever been attacked by a bicycle?"


    Unauthorized use: this story is on Amazon without permission from the author. Report any sightings.


    "Once," Chege admitted, "but that''s not the point."


    Before Kim could escape, two warriors grabbed him, hoisted him up, and dumped him onto Ngamia''s back.


    A beat of silence.


    Then someone slapped the bull¡¯s rear.


    Ngamia EXPLODED into motion.


    ---


    Kim had never flown before. But as Ngamia launched forward, he was certain he had left the Earth''s gravitational pull.


    The bull charged through the auction, smashing wooden stalls, sending terrified goats scattering, and flipping an entire boda boda that had been parked too close.


    Kim held on for dear life, flailing like a puppet in a hurricane.


    "STOP THIS THING!" he screamed.


    Amina and Major Otis ran after them, dodging flying crates and freshly butchered meat.


    "This is actually impressive!" Amina called out.


    "In what world?!" Kim yelled back.


    A nearby herder laughed. "Your friend has great balance!"


    They turned. Kim was upside down, hanging by one foot, barely attached to the bull.


    "Balance?!" Amina gestured wildly. "HE''S DYING!"


    Meanwhile, Chege was too busy taking notes.


    "Fascinating!" he muttered. "Maybe we can train bulls for public transport!"


    "CHEGE, FOCUS!"


    ---


    Ngamia tore through the marketplace, reaching the final obstacle: a deep, muddy trench.


    Kim saw his only chance.


    With every ounce of remaining energy, he pushed off Ngamia¡¯s back, flipping through the air like an Olympic gymnast.


    SPLASH.


    Kim landed face-first in the mud.


    The bull stopped immediately, looking down at him as if to say, "Pathetic."


    Silence.


    Then the Maasai elder roared with laughter.


    "That was the worst ride I¡¯ve ever seen!" he declared, clapping. "You are absolutely insane. I respect that."


    Kim, still drowning in mud, lifted one finger. "So¡­ you¡¯ll help us?"


    The elder grinned. "Of course."


    ---


    Minutes later, the team stood on the road again, now armed with inside knowledge of the best routes, hidden paths, and potential rival traps.


    But as they turned to leave, the elder grabbed Kim¡¯s shoulder.


    "One more thing," he said, lowering his voice.


    Kim swallowed. "Uh¡­ yes?"


    The elder¡¯s smile faded. "There are¡­ others in this race. People who are not here for the prize. Be careful."


    Kim frowned. "Who are they?"


    The elder looked towards the horizon.


    "You will find out soon enough."


    Kim exhaled. Fantastic.


    As if this race wasn¡¯t already insane.

 Trouble in the Air

    Armed with their newly acquired secret routes, the team raced ahead, cutting through open fields, dry riverbeds, and rocky paths that only locals would dare attempt.


    "This is it!" Chege grinned. "We¡¯re ahead of most teams now!"


    Amina glanced back. "Yeah, but for how long?"


    Kim, still covered in dried mud from his bull-riding disaster, grunted. "Long enough to breathe, I hope."


    Just as they reached a steep valley, Major Otis slowed down, eyes narrowing. "Something¡¯s off."


    Kim sighed. "Not this again. Every time you say that¡ª"


    BOOM.


    A massive dust cloud erupted ahead as a motorcycle gang burst from the trees, roaring down the slope like a pack of hyenas on steroids.


    Each rider wore a handmade mask, crudely painted to resemble animals¡ªhyenas, lions, even a flamingo for some reason.


    The tale has been illicitly lifted; should you spot it on Amazon, report the violation.


    Chege¡¯s eyes widened. "Who the hell are these guys?"


    Amina cursed. "I heard rumors about them. The Jokers. They¡¯re not here for the prize."


    Kim blinked. "Wait. Then why¡ª"


    The lead rider pulled a slingshot from his belt and let loose a rock the size of a mango.


    It whizzed past Kim¡¯s ear, taking a chunk of his hair with it.


    "THEY''RE ATTACKING?!" Kim shrieked.


    "RUN!" Amina yelled.


    ---


    The team sprinted down the valley, weaving between thorny bushes as the Jokers closed in fast.


    One rider leaped off his bike mid-air, aiming to land directly on Kim.


    Kim instinctively ducked, and the guy missed completely, plummeting into a muddy ditch.


    A second Joker swung a wooden club at Major Otis.


    The old soldier caught the club mid-air, yanked the guy off his bike, and flung him into a bush.


    "NO FREE RIDES!" Otis roared.


    "Guys, they''re too many!" Amina shouted.


    Chege gasped. "Look! A shortcut!"


    Everyone turned.


    The "shortcut" was a rickety wooden bridge spanning a deep ravine.


    Kim blinked. "That¡¯s not a shortcut! That¡¯s a suicide mission!"


    A motorbike zoomed past, barely missing Chege.


    Amina gritted her teeth. "We have no choice!"


    She charged forward, sprinting across the unstable bridge.


    The others followed, the wooden planks groaning under their weight.


    Halfway across, the Jokers reached the bridge.


    The lead rider revved his engine and accelerated¡ªstraight at them.


    Kim gulped. "He¡¯s not slowing down!"


    Chege¡¯s brain fired at full speed. He needed a stupidly clever idea.


    He grabbed a loose plank from the bridge and swung it like a cricket bat.


    The Joker¡¯s front wheel hit the plank at full speed.


    The bike flipped.


    The rider cartwheeled through the air, screaming, before landing on a tree branch¡ªupside down.


    Kim gawked. "Chege. That was genius."


    Chege grinned. "I know! I surprise myself sometimes."


    The others barely had time to react before the rest of the bridge collapsed beneath them.


    They plunged into the ravine below.


    Kim screamed. Amina screamed. Chege was still laughing.


    Otis just muttered, "Not again."