ã€ŠKnights, Nobles &amp; Cannibalsã€‹


 1: Attack!

    The planet of Tenare had a thick atmosphere camouflaged by dark green clouds. A flying machine cut a path through powered by the magma crystals burning bright behind. The pilot''s light cloak flapped against the fast winds that whistled through cracks in the cockpit. The small aircraft was piloted by two wooden foot panels for rudders to change horizontal directions, and two levers for vertical hand control.

    The young pilot fought against himself to keep steady hands. Learning to fly was a process that required both good strength, and intelligence from the operator. In addition to the rigorous training in the academy a cadet could not graduate until a year was spent stationed at the castle Uput doing drills, and short gliding off the walls. The same impenetrable walls guarded the edge of the kingdom from the dangers that waited in the lands humans had not yet tamed.

    The aircraft hit a patch of turbulence descending with a rapid drop. The hull violently shook, throwing a pinup picture to the rear with a pair of rabbits'' feet that had come unglued. The aircraft steadied itself as the desert ground revealed below. Shafe adjusted his flying goggles before removing the bug splat with a few wipes.

    His first real mission in the air was only supposed to be a simple scouting affair.

    Thankfully he had the guidance of the seasoned copilot Bob sitting in the only other seat onboard. They had been sent to observe, and report any disturbances observed from above. The pressure had greatly increased as soon as takeoff with the call that knights had been overrun on the farthest outpost.

    "The engineers really ought to plug these holes," he screamed, over the wind sneaking in.

    The ground below was a wild zone home to many animals, and none of them got along. Everyone knew a scary story about the nasty shape-shifting shadows said to sliver throughout this vast desert like a cloud of smoke. An extremely slow moving monster that slept most of the day, but nothing could be done once it transformed into something else to ensnare helpless prey. That wasn''t even the only reason that working in this wild part of the kingdom was a dreaded task.

    The aircraft slammed into turbulence crashing through the dark clouds. The rapid descent continued revealing a mining operation long abandoned, a large metal building once a hub for human activities has now collapsed and been retaken by wild vines and other nature. The view opened to orange sand, rocks, and canyons getting closer as the distance shrunk. A kangaroo bounced into a spot while Bob mumbled an unintelligible response.

    The pilot tilted his head to catch the rear view mirror, and a near fatal heart attack from shock. A mass of fur and feathers with claws dug in near the rudder. The razor-sharp talons moved in, shaving off the screaming rear operator''s head. Shafe was still alive in the front seat, his face scrunched up under pressure of the throat threatening to shut off all air flow from the G-forces. The ground was getting closer as the vehicle quickly made a mad descent to a fiery crash.

    Shafe pulled upwards straining to use all his muscles. The flight path evened out moments before certain impact. He looked back again as the large hawk''s beak ripped into the metal pulling out a chunk to snack. The barren desert soil formed a mountain towering above. Desperate times called for desperate measures of trying to throw off the attacking creature and make a crash landing.

    There was only one way to crash and hope of surviving. He pulled a lever bolted to the floor fully upright uncapping the forces of a twin burning magma crystals. The aircraft shot to the sky and sideways, nearly swiping a wing into the large mountain of orange rocks. The edges of vision began to grow increasingly black vignettes, as every moment threatened to become the last. He could still see the outline of the castle''s runway in the distance.

    Nearby on the grounds of the castle Uput society functioned as normal. The groundskeepers dragged away the green leaves that had fallen in the night. The three men attached themselves along the veins, and slowly dragged the ginormous leaf along the path to the compost destination. Nearby the markets bustled with the ever churning exchanges of coins for wares. The band started their instruments, with the giant pounding away on the Terp music crystal strapped to his keg of a stomach using padded drumsticks to keep time. The keys played their crystals providing melody as the horns began to blow triumphantly.

    The king surveyed the population from above on a balcony dressed in layers of thick furs. Mardin the 4th was surrounded by his entourage of the coolest cats in the kingdom. They slung blades, worked dice, cast spells, or brewed potions. His senior-ranking mutant bodyguard had a scarred scaly, disfigured-body made up of tiny bones called osteoderms. A lizard dressed to kill in dwarf-forged plate armor with human leather stitches, the creature''s claws gripped spiked flail with dried blood still caked on the spikes. Its tongue extended an incredible distance, slime dripping off unrolled and snapping up a stink bug before rapidly retracting into a sharp venom-filled mouth.

    "Soon the gambling house will be completed, our booze factories will have been fully switched to zombie labor, and seven more taverns will be opened with dancing girls nearby to celebrate our crystals,¡± said Mardin, who tried bending his 12 ring stuck fat fingers into his favorite plotting position around the railing.

    ¡°Yes your highness, I will decree that to the builders at once,¡± said Snaggy, scribbling away on a scroll unrolled to the floor.

    The thin man who had to contort his lanky figure to fit under doorways, but his agility was maxed so it didn''t stress. He was dressed in gaudy glasses with bells, many pockets of tricks, and a patchwork of every color of the rainbow. He was the highest royal Jester, and information recorder known to mankind.

    ¡°The Srippin coins, each of twelve unique ones restricted to the castle stamped on the other side, are the biggest banking success so far. While profits are first as we use the surfs in our new government experiments, refining our system into a design optimization fit enough for the human population. It is good to be a member of the kingdom, wouldn''t you say,¡± cried the King.

    "No more unregistered traders trading from castle to castle without the royal stamps of approval," said Snaggy, gleefully rubbing his hands together.

    ¡°It is indeed with your genius solving the issue that we will soon have a glut of crystals to power us into the future,¡± declared the Bootlickers among them.

    The Bootlickers were a gentle fishy creature with many feelers on their heads. The two in attendance knelt down to lick up some of the latest tastes collected from the cobblestones all over the kingdom. In water cities they would dwell, before coming to land in order to spread their deep knowledge and feast. Every year returning to their cities for egg laying in the springtime. The King kept them well stocked in order to have more information available to his inner circle of benefactors.

    "Crystals are too powerful for anyone under knights to keep for personal use and that includes bottomfeeders," the King screamed at them.

    "Yes Sir," they stammered between licks.

    ¡°Permission to speak, may I King,¡± said the man, covered in sweat, but remaining still with the blue salute.

    Mardin the 4th motioned with his hand a sign of approval.

    ¡°Verminous felines are attacking...'' He ran out of breath.

    "WELL GO ON."

    "GGgiant hawks from the sky. We must engage in warfare to defend the walls!¡± screamed the soldier.

    The King stepped inside, followed by his guard who took up the forward positions. The bunker command center provided safety while the troops fought valiantly outside defending the walls. He adjusted his crown while his guard stepped onto the elevator heading down to the belly of the castle. Ebony wood markings intersected the stones of every floor. The pulley lowered them down continuously. An explosion the castle shook on its foundation the cart carrying the men.

    Meanwhile Shafe¡¯s aircraft remained flying wildly out of control.

    "BOOM!"

    It reached its final resting place slamming into a tower. The structure exploded with him and the creature attached. As the crowds ran for cover, rubble fell onto the marketplace below. People knocked each other over, hid under stalls, or ran into buildings locking them up behind so that the next person was left beating on the wood trying to gain entrance. The rest of the crowd trampled on each other in a mad dash for the protection of the dungeon.Unauthorized duplication: this narrative has been taken without consent. Report sightings.

    In the bunker command soldiers lined the walls talking into mouthpieces connected to the dark frequency crystals broadcasting on the dome antenna above. The same Ninth crystals as played by the band are the 6th of 12 varieties while the Magma ranked 1st providing heat, plane propulsion, and powering the empire''s engines. Each crystal color marked a special energy that could be used up in a battery to provide special powers to every society who mined, bought or conquered them.

    ¡°The attack has begun,¡± cried Snaggy in despair.

    The King entered his roost, while his subordinates jumped to attention.

    ¡°Snaggy, is the escape craft ready for escaping?¡± whispered the Bootlickers huddled around him.

    ¡°Yes let us board now with my guards, and wait so as not to slow anyone down¡± said Snaggy as he began to escort the Bootlickers to safety.

    ¡°I need you here for your council,¡± commanded Mardin.

    ¡°Yes your majesty,¡± all three cried, returning.

    ¡°King, we have established contact with one of the attackers!¡± yelled a man from one of the metal floor speakers who had heard it from above.

    ¡°What do they want?¡± demanded King Mardin, nervously playing with some of the twelve rings permanently stuck to his sausage fingers.

    ¡°Haven''t heard anything back yet,¡± yelled the speaker..

    ¡°They want to eat us!¡± cried the two Bootlickers in harmony.

    ¡°Enough!¡± commanded Mardin.

    Those in the room stood silent as another explosion rocked above shaking everything. A large map tapestry had hung at the back of the room and now was crumpled. The faint beat of the pounding anti-air cannons on the walls above mixed with the static filled voices garbled together from all over the kingdom. The rest of the Speakers had now gathered all together around the line to enemy command as the King approached.

    ¡°They want a meeting now inside these very walls,¡± cried the highest Speaker to the mighty receiver.

    The High council that normally governed over Uput had gathered in their governing quarters. They sat in fancy robes directing the soldiers around them. The proper process must be followed to set the banquet of meat and cheese from which they would gorge. Mardin ordered more men to the weak points of the walls, before he checked on the status of the reinforcement air units with another approaching messenger.

    ¡°Where is our favorite prince?¡± asked Snaggy to the Bootlickers who sat across from him along the feasting table.

    ¡°With one of the many maids he bangs while hiding from the action I suspect,¡± said the eldest amphibian in attendance.

    ¡°Or perhaps with the milkman again,¡± answered the other.

    ¡°Interesting, but hey did you know yesterday prince number 72 was born?¡± said Snaggy.

    The door burst open to the eatery as an officer ran into the establishment.

    ¡°The cats are heading to this room. Defend the crystals at all cost,¡± he yelled, crashing on the floor over one of the many buffet trays.

    The eaters stopped themselves from further eating. They had been disturbed by the soldiers swarming them with drawn spears and swords, and the bowmen drew tight where they had rushed above. Clacking claws sounded outside as those inside gasped. One noble ran for the exit followed by a group of four.

    A knock at the doorway. A figure too small bent to enter with a stalking figure. A creature with pointed black fur ears with gold rings that bent on touching the atrium ceiling, and a two color fur coat. A black tail waved to them behind playfully. The whiskers blew out as nostrils flared, and the rear paws stepped forward wearing a thick fur sweater knitted with imagery of sacrifices being given to crystal gods. Another of the same cat creatures entered behind.

    ¡°Hello humans¡± it hissed.

    ¡°Meow¡± said the other as it licked its lips exposing a sharpened gold fang.

    ¡°Let''s do this deal quickly, what do you want?¡± asked the King.

    ¡°All your crystals meow,¡± said the cat.

    ¡°In the dungeon you will find them all,¡± yelled the head of the table.

    The cats were back on their fours as they left out the door purring.

    ¡°Let''s go!¡± yelled the Slyman leading all the VIPs ran out to the stairs leading to an air escape.

    The King took his special polished crown door that only he and his elite guard had access to. They were on a cart heading upward driven by the large pulley. At the top they exited into the blowing winds. The golden airship waited on the second platform below the antenna connected to the dark crystal. Far below was the airstrip for the nobles. Snaggy and the Bootlickers greeted Mardin the 4th as they boarded. The captain flipped a switch and on each of the four corners of the craft the thrusters of Magma crystal began lighting hot red, rumbling for take off.

    ¡°How long until we are in the air?¡±

    ¡°Soon. 1 minute until takeoff,¡± yelled the royal pilot flipping levers and turning on switches as the craft began to rumble.

    The approaching giant wings blew dust filled winds at them. A flapping bird descended and perched on the antenna above. Another eagle swooped in with talons before grabbing hold and dropping a knight off the edge to a long distance fall.

    "We are sitting ducks out here", cried Snaggy.

    The hawk flew off with the cloaked cat on its back claws digging gently into the feathers. No doubt a sharp threat if the flight path was to be properly followed they would both be minced meat.

    The King''s craft slowly lifted into the air as the thrusters shifted slightly sideways. They went hurtling in the opposite direction of the castle. In the background, the cats on their steads descended towards the crystals. The aircraft picked up speed, zooming away just as the ceasefire broke and the cannons fired again. Chaos erupted on the royal airstrip as crowds made a mad dash to the ships, some flying off prematurely with only a few on board.

    An even greater eagle perched on the dark crystal as two cats climbed off its back. They tied the prize with a rope to a harness on the bird''s breast.The head council Slyman waddled across the landing pad. An eagle descended on him from above with talons dug in deep as it struggled to carry him off.

    ¡°Where do you think you''re taking me huh you filthy animals?¡± said the Slyman, throwing up.

    He then stuck out a massive tongue that started slapping the bird until it was forced to let go. He fell from the sky and splattered into a puddle that began slowly reforming.

    In all this commotion Prince Edward Longbottom was still deep within the castle walls with his harem. The party was over 40 strong, and thus too big to fit out by an airship. Thankfully they were already in the large armory well armed with whips and wooden paddles.

    He jumped out of the water like an otter reveling calves that got lots of action. The ice bath dripping down his long blonde hair like a women, but had a super hairy chest and slender muscles to compensate. The alarm started as he threw open a closet big enough to fit a kingdom. Edward threw on a full suite of denim and grinned at his reflection flexing.

    "Whose a bad demon," he hyped himself.

    ¡°Commander Newton here, sir we will fight with you at the station. There we will then fight our way out of this mess,¡± yelled a Knight.

    "Hold on, one more second," said Prince Edward, rolling up his sleeves.

    The air turned cold, opening the closest mini fridge kept cold with ice crystals. Edward took out a gallon of white liquid.

    "Chug, chug, chug," he slurped, going for it all in one motion.

    The commander looked uncomfortably away glancing back long enough to notice the label on it as "Magic raw whole milk."

    ¡°Understood, we need all the strength we can muster to meet us outside when ready,¡± he said with a red salute.

    On the rampart everyone ran ready for violence. The party sprinted past the rotating cannons auto-fed from the funnel bins. The nearby knights dumped in the large round shells of ammo, while others lugged out the boxes of it. The mounted machine guns rotated on a swivel with red barrels firing a barrage into the sky.

    They descended the inside wall onto the courtyard grounds below. Edward ran out in front faster than all the others. A scream as a bird ripping off a head before the cat pounced off its stead, clawing a soldier in the face.

    ¡°Yesham, cast your magic tricks and protect us,¡± cried Edward.

    The skinny woman in the pink dress let her hood down revealing matching hair. She cracked her knuckles with long fingernails also painted pink, and then removed a matching wrapped crystal gizmo from her purse that was leather. The wires connected to a circuit board, and a smaller electric crystal battery to power the larger pink orb.

    ¡°Prestige presto!¡± she yelled at the device.

    The force field began to hazily form all around them. At first it was a pink mist before quickly hardening into rigid force field walls. Any of the soldiers caught in the path were vaporized. The fierce cats outside continued their rampage ripping through the troops trapped outside the bubble. One of them jumped against the shield, and was deflected back onto its hindquarters. Another of the cats looked like a porcupine with a fur coat filled full of arrows as it killed its last soldier before collapsing.

    ¡°Excellent work, now where is the big garage located anyway commander?¡± asked Edward.

    ¡°Just past the next bend,¡± said the Commander.

    ¡°Very good, and how about you love. Ahem Nancy the necromancer where are you at?¡± he called.

    The black haired, dressed, pilled and well proportioned goth girlfriend of the Prince didn¡¯t answer as they were currently fighting a vicious verbal spat that had caused the two to be repulsed by each other''s shocking charms that everyone else seemed to enjoy.

    A soldier ahead cut the tension by cutting a padlock chain at the train station. They trickled inside forming lines at the closed locomotive doors.

    The 4th crystal variety was yellow Magnets. They were super strong and only a small amount was needed for crazy magnetic fields. The Train floated in the air above the tracks as the magnet field repelled the body into a guided locking rail design.

    ¡°Everyone aboard,¡± boomed a voice deeper than thunder.

    The automatic doors opened revealing the conductor who was a plump Slyman wearing a large traditional fur uniform, and top hat. The party hastily boarded in an equal line after the royals; once inside were greeted by upholstered leopard furs hungover plush furniture, and green fuzzy shag carpet covered the floors. Prince Edward and his closest lovers sat behind the best bar on board drinking Schlock, and eating crumpets.

    ¡°Leaving in 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!¡± cried the conductor.

    The train lurched forward quickly gaining high speed by burning Magma thrusters. The whistle blew a deadly warning; the flames vented through an exhaust underground the station.

 2: Meat the Cannibals

    The fancy train on magnetized tracks continued steaming towards Capital City. Prince Edward was drunk with his band: the Death Drag Piercers. The instruments had been waiting to play a show before the attack. The royal dinner car''s performance was taking place on the small stage in the lounge for the harem members on board.

    ¡°Come on Edward, you can do it,¡± yelled a topless fangirl.

    ¡°I''ll be right back, I just need a snack first,¡± said Edward.

    The band left the stage after him leaving the instruments sitting as it was announced that they would be right back. The five men dressed in the most cutting-edge feminine fashion garments strode out of the train car followed by their closest chicks. Nancy was the last of the crew to close a metal door behind with a loud clicking lock. The kitchen car was currently staffed with the Prince Edwards payroll. The top chiefs from the Crazin region worked away, and cooked their traditional dish. They were a purple people eating species, but otherwise really friendly.

    ¡°Yasham, I''m so hungry I could eat you up,¡± said the drunk Edward, biting his next victim''s neck playfully.

    A Crazin in a white apron with marks of the crystals tattooed thick over his face wheeled in an autopsy bed from the freezer car. Nancy unzipped the wrapper to distract herself from strong jealous emotions bubbling to the surface. Under the blanket was a muscular soldier who had been slain in battle, but Instead of rotting away in a field his magnificent body was preserved in ice crystals so cold they caused instant frostbite if handled without proper gloves.

    ¡°Oh, I''ll be borrowing this one for myself,¡± Nancy cackled.

    ¡°Googa Zombino,¡± she cried, knocking over the cook and stabbing her zombie crystal in the corpse''s eye.

    The dead man was reanimated.

    ¡°Enough! Out with you and your corpse Nancy at once. You can eat his flesh raw in your room all alone when the spell wears off,¡± yelled Edward, spotting the stealing of his supper.

    His former girlfriend stuck out a pierced tongue at him, and stormed out with her new dead friend.

    ¡°Ah yes well no worries we''ve got one in the oven nice and tenderly almost done,¡± said the chef helping up his fallen subordinate.

    All gathered as a coffin-like baking pan was taken out of the oven by two more tattooed Crazins with huge mitts on their arms and placed onto a platform of gold. As the cover was lifted off and taken away by the cooks, succulent smells wafted out tempting the patience of the waiting hungry cannibals

    ¡°With every feast we grow closer to the crystals,¡± said Yasham, completing a ritual with burning incense.

    The torches on the walls flickered as the cannibals began their feast. They ripped and tore off the tender arms and feet biting with sharpened cutting crystal modified teeth. Three bodies had been cooked and were now devoured with blood turned to gravy.

    "Alright the show is back on schedule ladies and gentlemen give it up for the baddest band in all the land D.D.P," said the Slyman conductor before leaving the stage.

    Edward was the lead singer, bassist and triangle player, while Cap played keys, Durner played lead guitar, and Roger played percussion. Cap and Durner started playing the intro chords to their latest hit single. This was a public service event broadcasting live audio by communication crystal on the rear train car with a large Terp crystal with an antenna.

    ¡°YEEEEAAAAH, YEAAH, YEAAH,¡± crooned Edward in a grungy voice.

    The distorted guitar joined in with electrified riffing, as the drums shook the cabin full of dancing swingers. The crowd clapped, and the bar picked up more sales. The set lasted a half hour before the guys were backstage relaxing with the exception of their lead singer who was being a diva.

    Prince Edward paced his gloomy dressing room finishing off another drink of schlock. The pale white male checked himself over for defects in front of the mirror, taking care to make sure his makeup covered the two scars on either side of his forehead.

    ¡°The only thing I want now is what I cannot have hah such is the paradox of man,¡± he sighed to himself, checking his nails.If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. Please report it.

    He blew on the fresh number 1 black polish to finish drying it, and made up his mind to visit one of his ex-girlfriend''s. All that he had to do to win her back was dispose of the corpse she was currently entertaining. If his persistent attempts at love ultimately failed he would exile himself with haste due to shame. He was supposed to be the one who did the dumping, and was yet to lose this game.

    In co-ed sleeping car #2 room #309 Nancy and her corpse were having dinner. The table had been set neatly with a vase of freshly dead flowers while the rest of the meal consisted of mashed potatoes, stink bug larva, beats, however the main meat was the arm of the very same reanimated man who ate on it. He had willingly donated for the occasion, and the couple sat silently , eating off the bone. The corpse, shaking salt onto his food.

    ¡°It is too bad your taste buds, and brain have rotted away. Oh zombie man how I wish I could have you at your prime,¡± sighed Nancy before taking another big bite.

    The door slammed open and in prance an intoxicated Prince.

    ¡°Oh dearest Nancy how I have wronged you with my foul inner disordered self. I will fix it by giving you crystals, and anything else you desire like shoes and purses,¡± pleaded Edward.

    ¡°I desire you to leave at once you ugly man with your repulsive words that are forever rotten to me,¡± she yelled back at him with a throw gob of potato in rage.

    Edward tried to dodge the projectile, but he had been slowed by his drink. It splattered him all over the chest with potato mash shrapnel coating his expensive new clothes from head to toe.

    ¡°That''s it for humiliating me. No more fun with your corpse bitch!¡± yelled Edward, reaching for his trousers.

    He unsheathed his shining crystal cutting sword. The zombie stumbled around with a groan while the prince rushed round searching for the best angle to stab the walking dead.

    ¡°Fuck you stop this at once! You ruin everything I have for your own amusement you awful man,¡± screeched Nancy

    ¡°Take that creature,¡± yelled the prince distracted in the fight.

    He thrust his sword in and out the back of the corpse. It wasn''t being re-killed until he sliced deep into the brain. It  slowly collapsed on the floor.

    ¡°That''s it you bastard we''re forever finished,¡± said Nancy

    She walked calmly across the room to the sink, and unsheathed a large cast iron frying pan. The prince looked up and smiled as she drew on him and he inched back toward the door.

    ¡°Now honey how about not doing anything stupid dear,¡± said Edward, lowering his sword half-mast while still pointing it at his Ex.

    ¡°Don''t patronize me I HATE YOU,¡± shrieked Nancy.

    She jumped him, and swung the pan. The fancy sword clanged onto the floor as Prince Edward cried out in pain. He ran out of the room clutching his hand. It was pulsing and already blue and swollen from the impact of the cast iron pan.

    "You can''t get rid of my love that easily,"  yelled from the hallway outside.

    Edward pranced off with one final last loud huff and puff. His pain would be further numbed real quick, but he remembered something important. He turned around, and worked up the courage for another advance to grab his fathers sword. As well as one last attempt with the romance skills he was so famous for.

    "Just one more thing dear,".

    "CLANG!"

    The whistle blew as it quickly steamed over a mountain range of thick snow. The following horns were overpowered with an extended cacophony of screams from a wailing Prince defeated.

    The train continued barreling towards its final destination spreading thick dirty smoke throughout the pristine countryside. Edward stepped out onto the open platform at the rear while his locks of long black hair blew behind him. He shut the door to a warm cabin letting the cold kiss him. The dusk sky had a special hue of green as the trees passed by. The cars banged and rocked threatening to come loose squealing around a sharp corner.

    Edward had decided to settle down, and finally get married another time. As soon as they were back in Capital City he and his newest bride would be wed. He rested his hands on the outer railing, as he became lost in the fantasy of making others jealous. There would be a big party, and many small ones leading up to it. He would indulge in a many weeks binge of schlock, and cannibalism until he tired of it and finished eating Yasham. A heart tasted the best after it had been broken.

    The Prince removed a small wrapped object from his coat. A pipe with dwarven carvings lining it, and a container made inside a human skull. The white cracked crown was lifted off. Edward took out fine ground crystals and placed them in his pipe. He cackled as his brain lit up with pleasure. He did not actually wish to marry Yasham for long, as she was far too easy going and did whatever he wanted.

    What he really wanted for a long time was Nancy, his ultimate challenge. She was somebody who would never be pleased just like him. Whether she wanted to admit it or not they were exactly alike. Both would never feel true happiness apart, but maybe they could fill in the holes in their brains together with their own tainted version of love. He began to wrap the device back up in cloth. Legally you were allowed twelve different ongoing marriages as a royal so even marrying the friend to make the main girl jealous there would be a slot left for her. Carlos had been recently stabbed, filling the palace basement freezers with his meat. There remained only one man on the roster, but he could always clear up another spot if things got boring.

    ¡°Might as well,¡± he sighed, taking out the pipe for just one more fix.

 3: Crystal Cracked

    The noble part of Capital City sat enshrined in marble, gold, and ivory, but the royal district had blocks made only of crystals. Capital City spanned enough ground to house about 20 million although the poorest lived underground. The byproduct of this population boom was that ugly machines spitting smog everywhere was needed in order to keep society running. It was a relatively small downside in order to harness the crystal energies for their power. There was nobody who was ruling anything on this planet without using them.

    Among Queen Elizabethy the 13th''s favorite hobbies was covering harsh industrial power plants, sewage stations, and forges with human ingenuity. This time she was going with the latest art trends of cement sculptures of her prized race horses, and the newly minted art Tacko architectural style. Nobody needed to be reminded that humanity still had not evolved to the same elegance of the Elves. She sat on her throne looking out at her three sons playing under the same number of suns. She was the very best when it came to plotting in order to stay one step ahead of everyone else.

    Nearby a green clover coated aircraft puttered into the royal hangar. The King and his inner circle clung to his side. The thrusters slowly snuffed out as they descended to the ground. Snaggy turned white as he gripped the railing, while the bootlickers hugged each other shrieking. Mardin remained steady until he spotted something outside the window that truly frightened him. A princess who''d never worked a day in her life and seemed to be always asking him for things was waiting. He had many spiteful reasons to lock her away in a tower, but his biggest resentment was that she always was able to wear him down with manipulation. She was waiting outside, keeping strict time with a tapping foot and had her arms crossed. Mardin was in fear as they slammed down on the cobbled runway with a bang.

    ¡°Daddy dearest,¡± teased the princess.

    The King hobbled off the aircraft, and was mending a leg joint.

    ¡°What do you want from me, pork chop?¡± he grunted.

    ¡°Well actually I was thinking about sushi. Hey let''s eat lunch together you must be starving,¡± said the Princess, latched on with extended nails like cat claws.

    ¡°Alright,¡± grumbled the King.

    They headed towards the royal sushi bar. Upon reaching the door to the establishment a knight outfitted in sparkling gold ceremony armor blocked the path with the blue salute.

    ¡°Yes?¡± asked King Mardin.

    ¡°Sire the Queen has requested you in her chambers at once," said the knight, holding an urgent red salute.

    ¡°Very well I''m sorry my dear royal duties must be done,¡± said Mardin as he left, followed by Snaggy and the Bootlickers in tow.

    ¡°What an asshole,¡± grumbled the Princess under her breath.

    King Mardin the 4th bowed gently in front of Queen Elizabethy 13th. Since the number behind her name was higher she ruled over him.

    ¡°I hear bad news,¡± hissed Queen Elizabethy.

    ¡°Yes, well it was a successful evacuation anyway,¡± cried Mardin.

    ¡°I didn¡¯t marry much of a warrior now did I huh,¡± she spoke in a condescending tone.

    The King lowered his head in obeisance. ¡°Honey I know we will rebuild and restock as always have done your majesty,¡± he spoke softly.

    ¡°Of course, we will just mine up another million or so crystals with our slaves in the mines just to give them out to anyone with little resistance for charity,¡± spat Elizabethy, standing from her throne.

    "Don''t dare say the c word in these chambers," Mardin gasped.

    She ran at him and the king shook looking away.

    ¡°SLAP!¡±

    He was hit fiercely across the face with a dead bat.

    "You are a charity case if I ever saw one," she demeaned.

    ¡°Your highness, What if the gambling houses, taverns, prostitutes, and the markets were all combined into a super mall in every city in your kingdom?¡± said Snaggy, nervously playing with the tassel on his cap.This content has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

    ¡°Yes of course all owned and operated by the crown,¡± said King Mardin the 4th, adjusting his own.

    ¡°That¡¯s it we''ve had enough of your vice advice, just dance you useless jester!¡± heckled Queen Elizabethy the 13th, sharpening her nails with a fancy crystal file.

    Snaggy retreated from the thrones to the stage where he bowed. A record scratched to life as he began a slow dance to an improvisational loot, flute, and bass before doing several back-flips as the drums kicked in. The Queen loudly clapped along, while the King took two glasses of schlock from separate servants who had run in with trays. The highest royals in the monarchy dressed in fancy robes lined with every crystal color attached. One gulped, and the other scowled.

    ¡°While you are again well over your limit of daily units of intoxicant, and busy worrying about your whores. I have located a new location for us to mine for our crystal stock,¡± ordered Queen Elizabethy.

    ¡°Very well, we will set up a council immediately to plan with our generals. Where is this location where you have found this new source?¡± asked Mardin, suddenly taking great interest in his wife.

    The Queen crossed her legs in the other direction of the King.

    ¡°Not after you screwed that dragon and then pissed away the castle Uput. I''ve already taken care of all the plans myself this time,¡± she hissed.

    ¡°Hmmm I''m going to the bar,¡± groaned Mardin.

    "Of course you are, and I''m sure our enemies are thrilled they don''t have to poison you when you are doing that yourself," she yelled.

    "Actually I know where all the generals have gathered to celebrate what they consider to be a successfully planned war. It is there I sense that they have failed, and I wasn''t invited. So I''m going to do what you''ve always wanted me to and go full prohibition," he replied.

    "You would do everything to sabotage my military campaign," she fumed as the throne room door slammed behind.

    King Mardin the 4th strode into the main hall of saluting guards. The walls were lined with pictures of royal family portraits featuring features greatly beautified in post. The massive defensive crystal hardened doors shuddered open on gears and he was blinded by the suns shining furiously. His bodyguards accompanied him as he huffed, and puffed outside.

    The Capital City streets swarmed with the sounds of wartime production, and stunk of sulfur. A continuous rain of sparks flew all over from the crunching blacksmith shops, as troops marched in uniform squads. The smoke barreled into the distance from factories working overtime, and trooper transports flew out of the airfield dotting the remaining capitol skyline with the might of the human empire. The King crossed the street where two fish were standing on the corner begging for food outside the tavern.

    ¡°Where are my generals at, Bootlickers?¡± demanded the King.

    ¡°In there they gather sire,¡± said one of the two toadies, pointing.

    Inside the top generals sat around blowing fat clouds with the hookah, watching an erotic dance, or slugging down schlock in celebration. A successfully planned party for a successfully planned operation. The King strode in, and the music cut off as abruptly as a guillotine. The entire tavern took up the blue salute out of respect of his royal presence. Mardin ignored eye contact from all as he took his seat at the high chair in the VIP section in the back of the pub.

    ¡°So, has everyone gone and planned the mission behind my back now,¡± the King growled before coughing.

    He pounded a large fist on the wooden table as the rest of those seated jumped. Every waiter in the house scampered to the table side with their writing utensils ready.

    ¡°Waiter bring everyone a round of drinks on general Button¡¯s tab,¡± ordered the ruler with a graying beard.

    Mardin stroked his royal braids with a hand to calm nerves. General Buttons let out a loud sigh from across the room at the bar where he drank alone. The waiters were already back serving the table with cups full of murky green schlock with pickled lily and frog leg floating in the top for extra flavor and honoring tradition.

    ¡°So, how about a large pineapple pizza with glazed bugs, and the generals here telling your daddy where all the troops have gone?¡± said Mardin addressing the top-ranking generals gathered round.

    They were mostly all his sons and daughters, with the exception of a few exceptional bastards.

    ¡°The majority of our forces are being sent to a dwarf mountain to re-up on cracked crystals," said the oldest son at the table, known as general Ricky the 3rd.

    Mardin''s face was red, moistened by fresh sweat and steam was coming out of his ears. He beat the table before throwing his glass at a wall, and shattering it. The generals quivered as their king picked up a chair and broke it against the bar in rage.

    ¡°You fool, Did nobody remember our hundred year deal with the dwarfs prohibits us from touching their cracked crystals,¡± yelled Mardin.

    ¡°Father, we have declared war. It is time for the human empire to have the crystals it has long been denied,¡± said Jennifer, 2nd in command.

    ¡°Just listen please,¡± pleaded prince Ricky, chasing after the King.

    The King stormed out the second establishment in one day. The royal bodyguards followed, one of which took a large keg in his hands blocking the exit. Outside in front of the tavern a marching formation stopped in place leaving an opening. They did the blue salute and let their ruler cross the street. Ricky ran out of the door knocking a begging Bootlicker to the ground. He ran around the formation of 100 marching soldiers.

    "Wait for me dad," he screamed, trying to move a heavily armored knight.

    ¡°King. Father. You don¡¯t understand that with a steady supply of the cracked crystals we will smoke them just like the dwarfs do thus further expanding our already scientific minds to a level before thought unthinkable instead of this power being wasted on the little brutes,¡± yelled Ricky, his hands waving wildly as he ran to catch up.

    Mardin turned and sneered as his right hand lizard blocked the path, the forked tongue slurping a threat.

    ¡°Sometimes it''s good to have some friends, the dwarfs were our longest allies, and now we humans have none. You and your mother have burned the final bridge, the fearless dwarfs might be short, but they fight until their bodies give out. Our kingdom''s future is uncertain with this reckless gamble for increased power that will leave a target on our backs for every civilization to attack,¡± said Mardin.

    ¡°We need to expand this empire until it spans the entirety of the flat Tenare, and every crystal is ours. Don¡¯t you understand a new scientific revolution is upon us humans, and it will forever prove our superiority as a species,¡± called Ricky in defiance, his eyes sparkling with greed.

    The King escaped his annoying kid through a gold crown door on the corner. His guard who had been waiting for his return locked it behind them. The prince was left alone stroking his triple chin lost in delusions of grandeur in the middle of a dirty alley. Behind him a flock of pigeons mixed with seagulls to fight over spilled food as it was loaded for transportation.

 4: Dwarf Mountain

    ¡°We have reached altitude over target. When the light turns green remember your training and remember your mission,¡± yelled the commander.

    ¡°Yeah, yeah we got it,¡± said a few of the knights, switching on their crystal armors that began humming with preheating energy.

    The drop-ship shook as rear door slowly lowered via magnets. The troops unlatched their leather seat belts and did a final adjustment of their armor. One Knight aimed his crystal fed crossbow with 12 bolts that could penetrate anything. Another nervously inspected his parachute again, while a third dropped the visor on his metal helmet. Only two men remained seated.  The rear plane door that would soon be fully open,

    ¡°I hope I live through this  mission and it''s my last,¡± the Knight nervously laughed.

    His slumped posture and confident voice betrayed his fancy super powered armor engraved with dragons and waterlilies.

    ¡°You''ll be alright Fred,¡± said his friend and battlefield servant Jed.

    "DING!"

    The light changed to green.

    ¡°GO! GO! GO!¡± yelled the commander, waving as the back door lowered by pulley from the cabin. The bravest and fiercest fighting knights jumped out as soon as they heard the order. ¡°Alright Fred come on let''s go before we end up landing in the jungle all alone¡± yelled Jed needling his master in the shoulder.

    Jed stood, prepared himself, and ran off doing a jumping front flip. Fred followed to the edge of the drop stopping before in fright. The commander on board quickly walked behind. Fred was shoved off into the whistling air. He went flailing his arms as his stomach screamed with butterflies. Around him hundreds of others fell, with some doing tricks while a few others had prematurely opened their parachutes.

    ¡°AAAAAA!¡± screamed Fred.

    He whooshed past two more knights gliding down slowly. The dwarf anti-air cannons began firing from defensive positions on the mountain. The explosions burst in the clouds above with one danger close. Fred''s armor was pelted with shrapnel, but he was fine for now frantically reaching to find the chord.

    A nearby airship had caught fire, before exploding in flames spinning towards the ground below wiping out anything in the path. Fred gritted his teeth dodging cannonballs. When he opened his eyes he spotted his servant below him and closed his eyes for a minute before both men pulled their chutes. They drifted over an empty field holding their breaths, before finally slamming into the grass. Fred joined another knight who was kissing the ground in celebration of being alive.

    "BOOM!"

    The other end of the field exploded in a fireball as a drop-ship crashed down. The jungle was on fire as soldiers got closer to search for survivors. Some loud engines could be heard. It wasn¡¯t long before the mechanized war machines came out of the woods on treads spitting flames behind. A convoy of a dozen machines powered by crystal, and additionally armored cars manned with mounted explosive cannons, and donkey carts leading the front-line assault.

    ¡°Let''s go boys, it''s your lucky day hop aboard, it''s time to kill some dwarfs,¡± screamed the commander of a vehicle pulling to their side. The foot soldiers in the field piled aboard the crawling armor until they could fit no more. The rest marched towards war with the dwarfs, while the medics, witch doctors, and deserters stayed behind to salvage what they could of the wreckage. Fred and Jed found themselves sitting next to each other again, surrounded by fifteen others in close quarters as they headed into the thick jungle. Ten men with machetes cleared the path ahead while the knights took the rear with fancy guns, and thick armor engraved with the markings of historic battles won.

    ¡°Good thing we found you when we did or you guys would have been lost out in the jungle instead of battle where you belong fighting for honor, glory, and souvenir,¡± yelled the commander from inside a slit in the tank where all that could be seen of him was the thick chinstrap.

    ¡°Yippie, can''t wait to kill and slaughter everything,¡± cried Fred to himself quietly. ¡°Ha, ha, ha you never know what you might get to kill. The legends we base many of our military doctrine on say that bloodthirsty cannibals are waiting in the jungle,and much scarier than any little old dwarfs,¡± laughed the commander. ¡°You should be thankful we saved you from certain undignified death. Now soldiers you will seek glory and crystal,¡± another commander screamed, drawing a sword from their horse.

    ¡°FOR HONOR, FOR CROWN, FOR CRYSTAL!¡± the troops began to chant.

    The voices traveled through the trees spreading enough to loudly drown out the sound of explosions and death in the distance. A dense fog of war filtered through the thick moss-covered jungle. The songbirds chirped, rang, and danced for their mates out of picture. A snake hung from a mangled tree covered in wispy growths. The tiny fairies flew into flowers feasting a buffet of pollen between the petals. A singular giant mushroom towered above this part of the ancient forest blowing black spores in the breeze. The troops advanced through the cracks while the vehicles found themselves funneled down a narrow corridor.

    ¡°I hope we are going the right way because I''m so ready to loot some crystals,¡± said a knight, wearing jolly paintings above his armor, and riding on top of the advancing tank.

    ¡°Remember if you steal from the crown, we take your hand!¡± yelled the commander from inside. "Everything not crystal I meant to say," said the frowning Knight.

    The treads slowly crawled over the terrain bending bushes, snapping branches, and crushing root systems. A big plume of dirty smoke poured from the exhaust near where Jed had been stationed. His body was covered in soot, and spirits a little dampened. Fred sat nearby far less soiled, and had been playing spot the parrots with the jolly looking fellow. The formation had been marching many hours, and everything was beginning to look exactly the same.

    "Sorry you got the worst spot, but then the rules of the land Jed," said Fred.

    "Look, as long as we''re out of combat I can take a bit of hazing, and the usually not great roles of a servant soldier below the knights," said Jed, always scanning for movement.

    "How come you''re not a knight anyway?" asked the Jolly member.

    "It was decided before I was born really," he replied.

    "What does that mean?" questioned the knight, removing his helmet covered in what appeared to be childlike drawing done in crayon. "You know if you go to the capital and get tested with enough medals they sometimes let in the best, so keep trying and you will get it like your friend who probably worked overtime," he finished. The author''s content has been appropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.

    Fred diverted his eyes, and body in the other direction, and remained silent.

    "Achoo," said Jed, sneezing into the exhaust that immediately vaporized his snot. "I know about that, but thanks anyway sir," he finished.

    ¡°DWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARFS!¡± yelled a foot soldier, running from the underbrush past them, and dropping his machete in panic.

    ¡°MOOOOORAAAAAAAAAAAAKAA!¡± screamed the trees coming to life.

    ¡°Oh no we¡¯re doomed,¡± cried Fred in fear.

    The dwarves began running out of the wood screaming with crystal cutting axes in every hand. ¡°Not now, master, you must fight like a real knight instead of being a doomer,¡± said Jed, drawing his sword. The guns, crossbows, cannons, and flamethrowers of the convoy fired at the advancing threat lighting up the jungle. A dwarf was blown to bits by a cannonball, another harpooned by the shooter attached to a donkey cart, and a third flame broiled. Some of the empire soldiers, and armor were scattered in the ensuing panic; while others were beginning to take up defensive positions as some readied their loads.

    ¡°MOOORAKAAA!¡± yelled an attacking enemy, jumping through the air.

    The next pack of dwarfs jumped over a log shirtless with loincloths and rabid bloodshot eyes. Arrows, and bullets cracked overhead, cutting down many, but some had already broken through the lines. Fred looked around in shock, then glanced over his shoulder twice. He had made sure to stick close to his servant like roach honey. The battle grew heated with the sounds of clanging metal, and screams of man and dwarf fighting to the death. An ax sliced right through armor like butter severing off a limb in one swift motion. The jolly knight fell to the ground with no kneecaps. More hidden hatches from below ground opened and more dwarfs ran out.

    ¡°Watch out death from above,¡± a commander yelled into the microphone.

    Somehow the dwarves climbed into the trees above, popping out of hollowed sections of trunks or peeled off from sticky sap. Small bodies began dropping like rotten apples in an orchard crashing onto heads screaming. The jolly knight was a goner dropped on by dwarfs that scratched into his face with sharp claws. Jed ran in and started stabbing the dwarf. Fred hesitated watching him in fear. As the pack of creatures advanced onto his position he swung his sword as menacing as he could muster. Fred grew scared as there were too many of them. A naked dwarf dodged the swinging blade and jumped on Jed tackling him from behind.

    ¡°AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!¡± screamed Jed, struggling to break free with his weapon lodged deep deep in the dwarf that remained feral and nother naked one on top of him had also been pierced by an arrowt, but that didn''t stop it from biting into an arm drawing blood.

    Nearby Fred was swinging madly, cutting off another dwarf''s head and stabbing at another. Jed turned punching again, and again until the fragments of broken dwarf teeth were stuck into his knuckles.

    ¡°MOOORAKAAA!¡± screamed three more piling onto Jed.

    Fred ran over stabbing the creatures over, and over. Both sliced and diced until Fred collapsed onto the ground. Jed strangled the remaining attacker.

    ¡°I¡¯m afraid all I can do is put a bandage on that soak it in some schlock,¡± said the witch doctor.

    ¡°Don¡¯t you people have medicinal ingredients or at least can¡¯t you gather ingredients all over a place like this?¡± asked Fred, as the doctor went to work.

    The old man raised a gray unibrow from under his same colored hood that his beard stuck out of.

    ¡°Young man I''ve got a lot of patients here, and I''m very lazy due to being paid in literal peanuts,¡± he said in an ancient wisp of a voice.

    The soldier cried in pain as the witch doctor poured schlock onto his stub of a leg. He wrapped it thick in green leaves and sealed it off with roach honey. He was onto the next one who happened to be Jed cradling a limp arm on the ground. Fred stood silently near him staring off into the distance, with his expression blank.

    ¡°Oh dear you''ve been bit,¡± said the doctor as he picked up the limp arm and dropped it as it flopped out of the socket.

    ¡°Hmm I''m going to have to crack that good,¡± said the witch.

    He bent down over the patient. The arm loudly cracked back into place with one swift motion. Jed screamed loudly in pain causing birds to fly off above. The doctor dosed the cut in schlock, and repeated his wrapping process.

    ¡°Hopefully that stops any infections from forming, but my oh my do dwarfs have dirty mouths. Alright next¡± said the witch doctor, leaving.

    The next man over wasn¡¯t moving, except for the thick dried blood seeping out his chain-mail. Fred briefly made eye contact with Jed before he went back to watching the wood in silence. The witch doctor took out his zombie crystal stabbing the fallen Knight back to life.

    "Well, well. No Knight ever gets left behind after all," said the Doctor, helping his patient to rise.

    The commander ran in with his fancy battle armor and scruffy facial hair.

    ¡°Any able-bodied person, it is time to go. The rest of the army is counting on us to advance, come on out you lazy bums,'''' he commanded.

    ¡°You know that thing they yelled when they ran at us all crazy, what does that mean anyway?¡± asked the soldier next to Fred back on the tank.

    ¡°It translates to something like long live the crystal I''ve heard,¡± said another.

    "Huh I guess they aren''t too different from us, well apart from being too short, and having fuses the same lengths,".

    ¡°The dwarfs smoke their precious crystals before every battle, giving them immense power and no fear. That is what we are after boys, for the crown to study in their labs,¡± yelled the commander from his dark slit underneath the seat.

    ¡°They seem completely nuts. What use could humanity ever have with something so toxic to the mind¡± said a man in glasses, and a jester outfit riding next to them on a mule.

    ¡°Did anyone ask the pacifist for his advice?¡± sneered the commander as most of the soldiers near pointed at him and laughed.

    ¡°I¡¯m still here, with you all aren''t I? I''ve come to draw and record everything that transpires. I''m no coward,¡± he calmly said.

    ¡°Shut up idiot fool!¡± yelled a soldier throwing a coconut at his head.

    The jester blocked the projectile from hitting his noggin with an outstretched arm. He sighed, cradling the bruised arm.

    "I suppose even with manners their height too little fit in human society without being shortly driven back out,"

    The laughter continued as the man steered his mule away with a good hand where they could be in better peace alone in war. About an hour later the forest opened to a clearing where empty bamboo huts cluttered. The target mountain towered over them while planes flew over top of it dropping exploding bombs. Blocking the path was a chasm wider than a mile that fell into darkness.

    ¡°Commander the dwarf mines ahead but our path is blocked, how do we get across?¡± asked a scout running back to the group.

    The tank hatch opened and out appeared with a mop of greased white hair. The grizzled man in short shorts, and a tank top covered in sweat frowned as he inspected the area from atop his metal box. He was only a hair higher than a dwarf climbed out.

    ¡°Good question,¡± he barked, jumping off the tank.

    A commotion as the troops struggled to get out of each other''s way clearing a path for their commander struggling even worse. The thick mud ate at the boots of the soldiers just like the bugs. Eventually he made way over to the edge. He kicked a rock over the side that disappeared without any feedback of reaching rock bottom. The commander looked to his right. He noticed further down a large ramp of earth leading gradually downwards.

    ¡°We will siege the mines under dwarf mountain, and surprise them on their own turf taking that very convenient path,¡± he yelled, pointing.

    ¡°You heard the man, let''s move our troops!¡± yelled another commander close by before another could spread the word further down the line.

    The convoy slowly changed course, rotating on tracks, and marching in formations. A 4x4 driving beside the dwarf shantytown jumped debris flying to the lead. Soon they descended down the ramp into what appeared to be enemy mining operations. The soldiers with flamethrowers stayed behind to light foreign objects on fire.

 5: Anti Love Song

    ¡°Snaggy, move the target further, come on,¡± screamed Queen Elizabethy the 13th.

    ¡°Yes, your majesty,¡± said Snaggy.

    The highest ranking jester ran into the range tripping and hopping over himself, and bales of hay. He narrowly avoided the hiss of the speeding crossbow bolt flying danger close.

    ¡°Thwack!¡±

    The scarecrow featuring a picture of the king had been bolted many times at this point. She smiled at her fair features in her portable mirror after hitting another bullseye. She needed more eye shadow.

    ¡°You idiot could you be any clumsier. Should I be smelling your breath for a drink and pulling you apart when I confirm my suspicions?¡± she screamed at Snaggy.

    She handed her weapon to a waiter in an exchange for hot tea.

    "Ah," she relaxed, sipping from a green crystal cup full of charms. It soothed her vocal cords that had been getting a mean workout lately.

    ¡°Uh no schlock for me I have drank since you ordered," he stopped himself turning bright red from embarrassment," No you only observe a very sober clown test me if necessary,¡± Snaggy stammered.

    ¡°Very brazen of you to admit, I can only handle ruling so many fools until I break,¡± she snarled, eyeing the crossbow sitting on the dinner tray.

    The waiting waiter flinched as she retrieved her weapon and set the empty cup gently in its place. Snaggy doubled his pace as he heard the Queen loudly click her next bolt into place. He was dragging more hay balls further down range one at a time. Now he grabbed some of the rope that bundled them, and managed to get 3 at once.

    ¡°Bootlickers, where have you gone?¡± the Queen called.

    The bootlickers ran out from the stable where they had been enjoying an afternoon snack and bowed in her presence.

    ¡°You two there run there be good little fish and fetch me the master general for brunch, as well as military planning,¡± she commanded.

    "Anything for you milady," called the toadies running away on their mission.

    Snaggy adjusted the last bale into place featuring a fresh full sized portrait. He had had a stack of a thousand sitting in the dugout. A group of noble women gathered to watch in the royal private garden next door. The breeze blew in the soft scent of fresh linen from the baskets left to mildew among the morning green.

    The nearby royal hen house erupted in squabbling, while a pig squealed. The crowd''s cheers reverberated far away followed by the crackling disturbance of a loudspeaker broadcasting the daily noon execution. All things were functioning as they ought to in the kingdom today.

    ¡°Thwack!¡±

    Snaggy jumped in the air as the projectile flew narrowly past his torso. It had shot out the king''s codpiece while he fell into a mud puddle. He spit out a mixture of dirt and water as his boss laughed at the highlight of her morning.

    Later the master general sat beside the royal bog with the Queen. She poured more hot tea into the fancy cup for her 7th cup. The table was stacked with a food tray made of crystals, and twelve floors tall featuring a different appetizer on each level. The servants saved the best for last from the kitchen. A tray with charred and seasoned honey roaches that took up the remaining real-estate on the emerald covered tabletop.

    ¡°Your highness Terp communication with the army has still not been established,¡± announced the Knight, holding the blue salute by her side.

    ¡°You''re behind schedule yet again, war master,¡± said Queen Elizabtethy.

    She ripped the head off a stink bug with her teeth and sucked out the succulent juices from the red shell.

    ¡°I know, we need more communication crystals, but they are hard to get set up in the field, I''m sure everything is still going according to plan,¡± said the Slyman who wore a military outfit with more medals than fabric, and was round as an egg.

    ¡°Slurp. Aw that''s much too hot," she said, setting down her steaming tea.

    The war master gulped, and focused on buttering a crumpet. The guards in the background led the royal ponies to the pond for a drink. A servant began to shake fish food into the water for his kin. A Bootlicker emerged to the surface from underneath the stagnant murky waters gobbling it up. And the frogs dove for cover underwater bubbling like soda.

    ¡°Humpy, what did I tell you before?¡± she said sternly inspecting the Slyman with rounded edges, and small cracks running along rigid blue veins in his outer shell.

    ¡°This mission is the last straw before I will be dropped off the tallest castle wall, and one of your spawn takes over like all the other senior positions,¡± he said between mouthfuls of moth casserole that dripped onto his blue country overalls.

    ¡°Not worried about the future consequences of your actions?¡± she said, popping a cut cucumber chunk into her mouth that had been stabbed with an olive.

    ¡°Your highness with all due respect, why worry about our troops when they are the best of the best, better than all the rest,¡± hollered Humpy Dumpy with confidence pounding the table with his fist.

    ¡°I think I will replace you with a blue ribbon hog from the fair if you fail,¡± she chided.

    ¡°Fair enough¡± he sighed.

    A meek servant entered and began applying a brown mud face mask to detoxify the ruler. The pair had sat under a grand elder tree with red needles that blew in the late summer''s breeze coating the leftovers beginning to be boxed into doggy bags for the royal hounds. The queen played with her long fingernails, sharpening them with a file as she waited for the tea to cool, and mask to harden. The war master began to nervously tap his foot.

    ¡°Servant, get me some schlock at once! This tea isn''t cutting it,¡± Humpy cried.

    ¡°What do the fools all say about doing stuff Humpy?¡± asked Elizabtethy, with a scowl.

    ¡°Who says what, is it one of the royal lyrics about getting turned up?¡± He stammered looking confused.

    ¡°All the jesters, even the younger ones still studying their books, and not yet fully indoctrinated into their foolish ideology at the colleges... They all say to do a job yourself if you ever want it done. And I add my own little touch. I say keep things on a strict schedule and harshly punish those who miss deadlines for optimum empire performance. This includes complete sobriety, and worship of crystals instead,¡± she said.

    Humpy looked as far away with one eye, and a patch on the other. More commotion as three soldiers with gold trumpets ran up beside the table and started to blow in his ears. Another man took out a scroll and unrolled it until it hit the dirt.

    ¡°Your excellency we come with news of your son and his desire for marrying his next bride to be paid for by his parents at once,¡± said the royal speaker.

    He held the green salute afterwards for a satisfactory enough time, eventually running off.

    ¡°Hm-mm already again so soon after the last. one. Tsk tsk love is truly a precocious thing and ever fleeting,¡± she said, clapping away without any enthusiasm.

    The servant began to chisel the face mask because of the sprinkles of acid rain that had begun to drop slowly from the atmosphere. At first only a single droplet hit a plate and melted a hole in the dinner table. Snaggy popped the royal umbrella, and extended it over the Queen''s head. The servants began to clear what remained of the table as the clipping clop signaled the arrival of her luxury wagon.This narrative has been purloined without the author''s approval. Report any appearances on Amazon.

    It only took five minutes for four of her favorite animals to drag in the royal carriage. It had a reinforced chamber, and the horses had similar armor. Snaggy and the Elizabethy the 13th boarded, and others shut the doors. The Knights around dropped their helmet masks closed, and scanned for any danger through crystal goggles.

    ¡°Prince Edward Longbottom is arriving safely from the lost castle of Upot and he wants your blessings to wed his newest wife,¡± called the newest arriving speaker from outside.

    ¡°Ah old news already I''m afraid, but good for him. Humpy ready my battle train for war, and instruct the blacksmiths to build twice as much railroad, and the workers to be laid with the tracks from overworking to dwarf mountain. All worth it for carrying crystals enough to tame, and conquer the rest of the planet in our image,¡± she instructed, as she rolled up the tinted window.

    ¡°Yes queen,¡± said Humpy.

    He was saddled on top of his pony covered in protective cloth as they rode off.

    "set off for the train station at once," she commanded.

    "Yes your majesty," said the driver.

    The streets of downtown Capital City blew dust, and tumbleweeds. The vendors packed the sidewalks. The royals rode by in a convoy of five as the crowds gathered around to watch the spectacle unfold. It was around the bend Royal Bank sat under magnificent carved columns, inviting red carpet, and statues standing tall outside. The building dwarfed the guards who stood still as the gargoyles perched overhead.

    The Queen¡¯s carriage stopped in front of the bank, and the polished stones. The guard descended to draw off the crowd already begging for scraps, and autographs. Snaggy opened the door and got out before he started jumping about on one leg.

    ¡°There''s dog shit on my royal slipper, it''s ruined,¡± he cried.

    The queen laughed. She let herself out the other door and walked up the steps alone continuing to cackle. Inside the bank leprechauns in green suits worked hard. Three did spreadsheets out front while another carried a wagon full of Farc crystals inside the vault.

    ¡°Hello, what can I help you with today, Queen Elizabethy the 13th?¡± said one bowing from behind thick glasses, a clear divider looking of similar material.

    ¡°Yes, I''m here to check our joint account again and see if my husband has been up to no good,¡± she said.

    ¡°You truly have an instinct for ruling us all, your majesty. He was just in here this morning taking out a big load of everything¡± said the leprechaun, assaulting a typewriter at the front desk.

    The Queen''s face was bright red cutting through the remaining masking applied, and a murderous look was in her eyes.

    ¡°Well Marshmallow, how many did he take?¡± she asked.

    ¡°All the crystal he and his right-hand lizard could carry madam, and if you ask me it looked like they had climbing and spelunking gear on,¡±.

    The queen stormed back out the entrance. She knew exactly what was going on. The King had gone to visit his old reptile exhibit. His favorite reptile on payroll was the dragon he was taking more, and more crystals to please her. The train could wait while the ruler started hatching her plan. It was time to kill the dragon, and lock her husband up in a tower with no key. In Fact the party had already finished the journey to the mountain top resembling a crown. A lair of booty overlooking Capital City where the sounds of fire and ice could be heard loudly going on inside the cave. The queen listed outside where her ships had landed. She had a face full of betrayal and disgust.

    The next morning king Mardin the 4th and his dragon left their cavern for a morning stroll. The smell of pancakes, bacon, and booty wafted out with their exit. They walked to the cliff edge where wind blew the King¡¯s graying hair under a fading crown. A large harpoon flew past and stabbed the creature to the cave wall.

    ¡°Nooooo. Martha, what have they done to you?¡± the king cried, rushing to his fallen mistress.

    He was ensnared in a launched net. A group of soldiers surrounded the withering wounded dragon who engulfed them in fire. The rest of the party dove between the mountain rocks for cover. The dragon limped around before attacking the ships. The metal protested and screeched while under fire. An airship fled the scene while another was crunched bit in half by the scaled monster that had snatched it out of the air.

    ¡°Oh shit watch out,¡± cried a soldier.

    She scowled at him while smoke poured from her ears and nose like a freight train about to kill. ¡°Get up and finish off that bitch at once!¡±

    A soldier''s body shook dripping with sweat. He slowly lifted his shaking head above the hiding rock for a peak at the carnage.

    ¡°It¡¯s flown off your majesty, and I think it took the king with it¡± he finally reported.

    Elizabethy the 13th dusted herself off. As far as she was concerned the King was dead and she was Queen fully in charge. An empty closed casket funeral would happen at once. The trash had been disposed off. Good riddance for his value had been minimal. Time would arrive on the side of the next generation to continue a dynasty, but in the interim she would set a proper example for the children. She washed her hands with a damp handkerchief, and then blew her nose in it.

    Later the loser King''s coffin was carried by a dozen of the most loyal to the royals. A heavy weight sparkling in the suns beside the sea, blinding the crowds gathered with its sheer glittering might. The subjects bowed among the rocks and continued trying to hum in harmony. The elite guard''s polished ceremony armor further increased the suns effects. The swanky final resting place was adorned with sparkling jewels, but most importantly a crystal coated exterior.

    The trumpets began to play along to the natural beat of a natural formation of Terp crystals hammered by two giant drummers wielding tree trunks to hit. The crowds found themselves sectioned off  with an iron gate cage. The funeral procession proceeded as the royals themselves took hold of the coffin. They slowly moved along the path to where red waves splashed ashore beneath them on a volcanic ledge.

    The small volcano bubbling somewhere underwater seemed to increase activity making the moist air was especially salty. The band''s intensity grew into an intense wall of noise. They matched their playing as the waves increased the same tempo. Eventually the band would fade away giving in to the seeming endless march of mother nature.

    ¡°Our history will never forget the day that King Mardin the 4th slayed a dragon, and died defending his kingdom as a legend. It is the greatest of honors for any to be buried a hero with full honors," mumble the eldest Duke in attendance, Bronco Blitz.

    ¡°Let the black curtain roll then,¡± said the eldest Princess Marry Poison-Mixer.

    She let go of the luxury box holding her father, and the rest followed. The king''s sarcophagus was dumped.

    ¡°splash¡±.

    It floated for a second before surfing a wave into plunking the ledge. The strong currents took it out, while the water held it in a grip bubbling with a fierce intensity. Finally the last jewel disappeared from view beneath into the depths.

    "Good thing I paid extra for a reinforced coffin," said the Queen, sipping hot tea on the rocks.

    The crowd clapped and screamed in wild celebration. The executioner''s axe cut lopped off spout after spout of big wooden kegs of schlock that had been hauled out.

    "Since you have all given troth to the crown, those in attendance can drink themselves silly in remembrance of the lifestyle of my hero husband," sighed the Queen. "Enjoy it while you can,".

    A thousand tongues gathered at the trough formed in the rock filled with schlock. The common people began fighting each other hand over fist on their knees and stomachs for a lick. Those most fortunate to be in front lapped as much liquor as they cooked. Many Royals headed away from the mob who''s appetite was being satiated. The Queen almost blew a socket as she watched, then she huffed off, but stopped.

    "Call in the riot police and sober them up in ten minutes," she commanded, before exiting stage left.

    "Yes your highness," mouthed the guard, holding the green salute.

    Snaggy sat all alone in the throne room, whilst the party still raged outside. The jesters'' soiled garments lay on the floor beside him as he reclined in the King''s old throne in his underwear. The sun had set.

    The King¡¯s soul had long gone underground to the center of the planet. This process of dying was described in great detail in many of his books that were now his only remaining friends. Death was natural and not something to be sobbed at. It was greatly believed in the Kingdom¡¯s scientific community that living beings eventually became raw crystal energy to be harnessed for the gain of those living. It was a natural never ending cycle with a few unlucky ones returning as servant zombies.

    Snaggy removed his glasses to wipe away the annoying tears from his ducts that remained unable to grasp logic. The door loudly bashed open. Snaggy jumped from the throne to touch the ceiling, and then ran to cover. The clicking sound of approaching high heels drove him crazy. He stuck his head out from a hastily wrapped window curtain to see Queen Elizabethy glaring at him.

    "Uh um your majesty I was just fooling around on the throne I promise, You know summer is still out, and the heat is very extreme," he managed to stutter out.

    "What are you doing Queen?" he said, his face now blushing bewildered.

    Elizabethy the 13th had him in her claws squeezing him out like a snake. She smelled like a dwarf den and much of her weight was now resting on him holding her up.

    "Oh dear what have you been into?" he said, exhaling away from the sharp chemicals.

    "Everyone needs some kind of stimulation, even a wicked witch like me," she slurred with red eyes.

    "No problem my lady, just a hug I hope.. you don''t want to fool around with a fool ever especially in that state of mind" said Snaggy, his face matching her eye color.

    "Just one more minute of embrace, but if you speak of this after you will be sleeping with the king" she said her voice getting nastier and sounding more sober.

    "Oh of course you can trust me more than any single bootlicker you''ve ever confided in the Queen of the kingdom, we need you to take charge," cried Snaggy.

 6: A Happy Place

    Traveling outside the kingdom of humans and deep in that of the dwarfs to continue the adventure in the mines.

    ¡°What is your name pacifist?¡± asked Jed as they descended deeper into the darkness.

    The jester riding the donkey could no longer be by himself anymore on account of the narrow path. The troops crammed together sandwiched between slow moving tanks. The tracks barely fit as dirt from the treads pushed over the cliff edge. It was slow going in narrow margins when all they had was light from torches to guide the path. A cold stale breeze of death blew into them coming from the dwarven mines below. It was stale as farc.

    ¡°I¡¯m Ned¡± the jester said, taking out a book to sketch in the dim light.

    ¡°Nice to meet you, I am Jed¡± said one of the many soldiers walking beside the donkey.

    They were in formation in front of the mechanized vehicles. Another soldier pointed to the knight at his side who was still alive but pale and grim. He almost resembled a zombie whose essence blunted so much on their return, with much of it never returning from the afterlife with them. Lost forever to the crystal when the corpse was resurrected from the core of the planet where most spirits rested in limbo.

    ¡°Your silent friend doesn¡¯t look well, friend,¡± said Ned the pacifist.

    ¡°I know but unfortunately there is nothing I can do to help him,¡± said Jed, his face having grown worn with the grit of war, and worry.

    The fool pacifist reached into one of the donkey pouches pulling out a wrapped tin of something strange.

    ¡°Here, my friend gives this to our friend to chew. It will give him strength as his vitamins look low,¡± said fool.

    ¡°Okay well I somewhat trust you in your naive ways sir, but you have to understand a man that goes to war with no weapons is somebody I strongly suspect of being extremely mad¡± said Jed, taking the chew in his hands with a suspicious mind.

    The other laughed.

    ¡°Yes, that does make sense to me. A man who will die before he kills another probably does look very strange to you¡± said Ned.

    ¡°Yes indeed at least you seem to be self aware¡± said Jed looking away over at Fred, who pushed away a helping hand to get a piece of gum.

    ¡°I do believe in things very strongly and logically you know.. I think," said Ned, trying to rein in his misbehaving animal that seemed to smirk. "Ahem anyway we should strive to treat all other creatures with respect, with whom we all share this land that lives and breathes, if you listen close to the trees,".

    "This stuff rocks," said Fred.

    Jed scowled at the randoms around him and helped themselves.

    "There is plenty more homeopathic medicine where that came from besides you already let that witch doctor have a go at your friend eh. What harm could another quack accomplish¡± said Ned.Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.

    ¡°Very well I suppose he does not have much more to lose at this point¡± said Jed feeding his friend who ate from his palm.

    ¡°Very well I suppose I don¡¯t have much left to lose,¡± said Fred, between nibbles.

    The many soldiers around snickered at the fool, and his newest converts. What had to be an hour later they were still headed down, and nothing had changed but the passing of moments. Even that could have been a trick and they were treading time itself. The sunlight no longer helped them even a sliver, and the air had started to become oppressively stale. The only thing that had slightly brightened was Fred''s face in the torch, and crystal lights.

    ¡°Dead dwarf ahead!¡± yelled the soldier in the very front of the line.

    Lights intensified as lanterns were cranked to maximum strength pushing back the unknown.

    ¡°Soldiers ready arms, and hold fire,¡± screamed the biggest commander.

    Five hundred swords sounded as the bows were drawn and crossbows aimed at the ready. The Trooper in the front pointed to the dead dwarf lying on the ground before four more came into the light, stacked in what was the beginning of a massive pile.

    ¡°Stab ''em we don¡¯t want any traps,¡± a voice yelled as swords were inserted to check the dead for signs of life.

    The little bodies crunched under heavy treads as the advance continued. A gust of dead air blew up from the depths still below blowing out the torches. It was pitch black.

    ¡°MOOOOORAAAKAAA!¡± was loudly chanted by a hundred voices bouncing off the walls.

    A loud deep horn of battle sounded pounding eardrums as the sound waves passed bouncing by.

    ¡°Relight your torches at once soldiers,¡± yelled a commander while sparks of flint flew all around her.

    ¡°MOOOOOORAAKA!¡± the Dwarves yelled again, getting closer.

    ¡°BOOM!¡±

    The tank behind them shot its cannon over the soldiers'' heads into the dark.

    ¡°AAAAAAAAAA¡± screamed Fred falling to a heap on the floor.

    "Out of the way you weak waste of space," said a soldier pushing past as another kicked the fallen man.

    Ned got off his ass and slapped its rear, sending it galloping back to safety. He stood beside Fred helping him up off the dirt as Jed drew his sword in front of them ready to attack.

    "It is time to go to a happier place, soldiers take my hand. Jed, and Fred join me in prayer to the crystals that power our civilization" said the jester wizard.

    Jed was silently focused, looking for enemies in the dark. Ned took off his sneaker then turned it upside down and began to shake it out.

    "Hmmm I know I put that somewhere" he said, taking off his other shoe.

    "Ahah" he grunted.

    Ned pulled out of the jester''s footwear a tied dirty sock. Ned led Fred to Jed. He then dumped something out of his sock in the dark.

    "Still here boys?"

    "Yes, I will defend the pair of you fools as long as I remain on my feet there is no need to fear death," answered Jed.

    "You will come with me and your friend to a happy place far from here if you wish. There is no sense in dying in this pointless war" said Ned holding Fred''s hand.

    "Do you understand the army will kill us if we turn around, and flee. I didn''t plan on dying down here but I''m not a coward. There¡¯s sometimes with life there''s nothing you can do but go down fighting tooth and nail"

    "Hmmmm. Well I might have a few magic tricks in my sleeve, young man," said Ned touching Jed''s back with a crystal ice cold that stung like a hornet.

    "Oh boy," said Jed.

    "Poof!"

    The sounds of battle had gone quiet. All the colors, but black and white had left the picture as well. A breeze of hot air lashed out at them, and the sound of waves hit some kind of shore. In the distance massive chunks of crystal icebergs drifted in a sea of what looked to be dark liquid magma.

    "Where are we?" asked Jed.

    "A happy place," said Ned.

 7: The Core

    "You should have left me to fight with the others," said Jed, returning his sword to its sheath.

    ¡°Don''t worry, this spell-stone I rigged only lasts a short while. So based upon my experiments we got anywhere from 5-15 more minutes to a few days remaining to rest ourselves before we get zipped back to the battlefield," explained Ned.

    Fred began to giggle because the spongy ground he sat upon felt weird. He forced his mouth shut with one hand the other moved over on a very large and smooth object. He was jilted by an intense energy flowing from the object.

    ¡°We are special guests in the core. The legendary lands where most crystals and their spirits live,¡± murmured Fred.

    ¡°Yes, a very correct guess there young knight if only your servant here had half the brains as you possess, but I digress. You boys see it right in front of you,¡± He could be heard around an outcrop of rocks flipping the pages of a book.. ¡°An extremely neutral place where neither good nor evil lurks for very long. If it does, it is evicted back to the surface until it is suitable to live here,¡± said Ned.

    "So then where do the fallen heroes and villain spirits reside then if not here? Hey you, the biggest fool in all the land?" Asked Jed.

    "That part of it is filtered out on the soul''s way to core, purifying it to a childhood state of a blank slate after death," explained Ned.

    "Are we dead?" asked Fred.

    "Not just temporary guests seeking respite from the horrors of war," smugly replied Ned.

    "Shut your mouths and shine a farcing light on the dark wizard. Why Fred, you have a lantern too let''s start them both so that I can get a better glimpse around,¡± hollered Jed.

    "This is a naturalized area without full color so that any lights brought here will not shine. Things get very strange, and distorted with so much static of long lost souls running in, and out of sync with each other," explained Ned.

    ¡°Just know I am not a pacifist. Let''s get out of here!" yelled Jed.

    Jed felt a path forward in the dim black and white. He was crawling to the voice over things that felt very alien, although seaweed was the closest comparison.

    "You must learn to trust me as a master wizard. Heed my advice to enjoy every moment no matter how dark, and relax. You see the Farc crystal I used to teleport us here has now partially infused it into your souls freeing them from prior ailments of your brain''s faulty functioning

    "What you are the one who is infused with madness," yelled Jed

    " Now by order of the crystal cult I will knight you two honorary paladins to serve on a quest for the voices whispering to me. Just let me take up a sword to finish this knighthood ceremony he he,¡± announced Ned.

    "Alright," said Fred.

    "That''s enough of your tricks i''m in charge here fools," fumed Jed.

    "I''m afraid the bad news is that I''m losing the freewill to perform acts of health and healing from this moment forward. For better or worse the powers from the crystals have gripped me into their service," announced the wizard, whose skin was beginning to slightly glow.

    He threw his spent Farc crystal to the ground.

    "clink!" It rang hollow inside.

    "Nonsense I will defend myself, and you two clowns again when we are sent back to the dangerous battle from this fantasy land," said Jed.

    "Let us enjoy nature, gentlemen, there is nothing more to argue," boomed the wizard''s voice from the communication crystal, vocally boosting his chords.

    "You are so mad ha ha ha," laughed Fred.

    "Know this if we have to die it will be warriors not laughing stocks. I will not be the third wheel of clowns riding the same donkey as a tall tale told to children about avoiding dangerous jesters who mess with magic and minds. Fred let''s leave this clown behind,¡± said Jed, getting up from where he had crawled.

    "Hooo, Hooo," echoed under a single full moon casting down through a hole in the rock.

    They were inside a massive cavern covered in crystals sparkling.

    "Who, who, who, who?" gasped Fred.

    "It''s an owl Fred," said Jed.

    Fred slowly stumbled around like a drunken newborn elephant knocking over furs. There was a single birch under the light of a full moon and an owl perched above. The creature rotated its neck to follow Fred who followed suit best he could below. He stood still observing the bird.This tale has been unlawfully obtained from Royal Road. If you discover it on Amazon, kindly report it.

    "Master Fred, what has been done to your mind by the wizard for it lies in ruins, get back over here," yelled Jed.

    "Look at the bird, look at his perch and eyes in the dark, us three weathering these hills, with the snow setting in this alien forest here dotted with the shine of crystals we find ourselves luckiest among the grunts thrown away as trash to be spent as pawns in battle" said Ned.

    Jed ran towards his friend while a pack of coyotes yipped.

    "Nothing reckless now, let''s turn around and get back on track to our rigid mission from the crown," said Jed, pointing from where he had just come with his sword.

    The ground rumbled and shook, knocking them over with a quake. There was steam shooting from cracks forming crevices, and hazards. The crack slowly opened a hatch to bubbling magma matter that ate the sword. Jed hung onto roots along the cliff edge, while Fred gripped the birch tree with a face white as a ghost. The owl stretched its wings and flew over the opening. It hooted far away flying into an icy pine forest. The cold wind shook both men to their core.

    "It appears that time is up here gentlemen," Boomed Ned, standing above them from a cliff.

    "Poof!"

    All three disappeared from the magic location as quickly as they had arrived. Fred fell screeching until he smacked face first into a pile of bodies. The armors all ringing in unison like a bell. Jed broke back into the present on Ned who flattened under him. The torches of the army had been relighted, and stuck on the walls, but it was lights out for Ned. Only a few stranglers remained in this area. Ned gasped for air coming back alive his companions slowly crushed him like a tin can.

    "Serves you right for that shit," said Jed, standing to dust himself off a thick coating of powder from the crystals crushed under Ned''s wizard cloak on impact.

    He next looted a dwarf''s war ax in order to replace his lost sword and finally extended a helping hand to Fred.

    "You underestimate the stubborn nature of a hardcore pacifist," said Ned, accepting the pull.

    They moved around a bend in the road to an incline leveled to the mine''s entrance. At the bottom of the hill the mass swinging limbs and armored bodies fighting a war in close quarters combat. A soldier''s arm cut off in a hydrant of blood by a husky dwarf with a braided beard and large muscles.

    "MOOORRRAAAKA!" was still being screamed by the dwarfs.

    Fred felt the hot steam of a threat breathing down the back of his neck and jumped. Metal creaked nearby and a gun cocked, turning him white as a ghost. A hatch opened and the top brass stuck his head out from a nearby tank that smoked.

    "You lost rats who have been avoiding combat all night! Get your asses in there and fight!" Commanded the commander.

    "Let''s rock n roll. I don''t want to hear this jesting jazzy wizard no more," screamed Jed, charging forward.

    "Attack the dwarfs go now kill kill kill," yelled the commander through a loudspeaker as the party charged.

    "Ahh there you are Mule," cooed Ned, stroking his stead that had reappeared. "It is time for me to heal men. I have a purple sword stashed here charged by defense crystal and overcharged at that," he said, pulling out the weapon from the animal who had been holstering it somewhere in the saddle backs. "However I must say the cruel beauty of this power is that the sword heals its damage with every infliction of injury and slash while causing debilitating pain non lethal " instructed Ned the wizard.

    "Time to fight our way into the shaft and find out what the empire really came here for," yelled Jed leading them.

    Ned untied a little baggie saddled on his steed again. He threw a new crystal to Fred who proudly clutched it.

    "Yes master" said Fred, his face of stone as he drew his sword.

    "Fred you must be careful here, we are still only mortals, and you are following a mad man which is always a road to certain destruction. You know a master''s orders should only be followed if it comes from a clear head, and is approved by the stamp of a royal class family member. A noble educated man who cares if he lives or dies, unlike most of those who serve him below" said Jed.

    The soldiers in front had cleared the closest threats. Behind what remained of the living Dwarves a smaller mine shaft encrusted in crystals led further deep. They charged holding torches, bows, and swords. The bodies piled under a collapsed stone wall. A dwarf ran out screaming Jed screamed with him cutting off an arm then slicing off a head that didn''t grow back.

    The group cut a path of blood driving back the dwarfs as they entered the mine. One soldier was ridden to his final destination down an elevator shaft as a dwarf tackled. Enemies all around as one pumped full of steroids ran directly into a soldier''s sword with reckless abandon cleaving himself screaming in blood, The soldier found herself ripped in half and thrown with enough impact to kill three more like a bowling ball. A volley of cannonballs smashed the outside shaking them with falling stones that crushed the unlucky.

    "They are crazy, they are fierce, this I did anticipate" said Jed.

    "MOOORRRAAAKA!" Yelled the dwarfs charging in from the rear.

    A whistle above!

    "Twack, twack, twack" the mass of arrows hitting marks.

    The enemies continued to swarm killing soldiers outside, as more poured out from the floors below deeper in the mine. A cannonball hit behind them collapsing a section of roof into a dust cloud blowing sand that ripped into the lungs. The wizard cloaked in his flamboyant jester costume and rode on his donkey. A dwarf charged behind with brass knuckles. The beast kicked out, snapping the neck with a loud crunch. Nearby another creature limped from the dark, his legs and arms scaling and disfigured with mutated crystals growing all over. Ned cut the leg off with his special pacifist sword which grew back healthy flesh as it reformed on the ground while the enemy remained temporarily debilitated.

    "These crystals have corrupted them with incorrect use, and abuse," cried Ned.

    "No kidding," said Jed, in the thick of it.

    He chopped the stumps off two Dwarves making them even smaller while screaming their catchphrase back at them. He saw an opening and moved in for the kill, getting his hands dirty cutting the neck of the one Ned had been working over. The remaining enemies hobbled in with groans and little fight in them. The many small cuts had added up to lethal damage. The squad of knights in front stabbed the limp bodies pacing themselves. The mutated ones exploded into sacks of puss. Those most burnt out provided little fight, and were torched with fire.

    After a long campaign a dozen men stood exhausted. They found themselves all alone, having charged ahead of the rest into a collapsed mine, and disposed of their enemies in this area. The only way they were ordered was to keep going. One man¡¯s arm was injured. Ned cut his wounds and it slowly healed. Their cavern was lit by the very same glowing purple surgical instrument, and some torches.

 8: Family Plots

    Queen Elizabethy the 13th pouted in the stands all by herself. Her twelfth son was setting up his one hundredth wedding. Edward had all eyes in the kingdom watching him including her. The fairgrounds below were packed with tractor trailers being unloaded from when they had been put into storage last week. The setting of the event was an event in itself with an army of stagehands working overtime. Tables were set with the finest crystal, the kitchen was on fire working overtime to prep. There was a line of delivery drivers wheeling in keg after keg labeled "water".

    She was alone with evidently nobody caring that the King had died, leaving a widowed that also had the most power. A fly landed on her face that Snaggy lazily swatted away with his fanning leaf. She gave him the stink eye before going back to observing the construction of the wedding set. A stage set to perform a farce of a wedding with another victim for a murderer son. She would teach him right and wrong eventually, but in the meantime prevent him from arrest he did not deserve. He was her very special child, being the twelfth one.

    Back on stage prince Edward was in control. He flashed his hands to instruct each carpenter, and electrician from making further mistakes. He strutted across the stage microphone crystal in hand testing out the sound system. Yesterday had contained many meltdowns, but so far today the replacement fuses had held strong.

    ¡°Prince Edward my lord, did you know you are first in line to be the king when the queen bites the dust?¡± said the eldest of the Harem in tow.

    ¡°Give them some more crystal fish-food guards, clap, clap, clap,¡± said Edward, making sweeping orders with his outstretched arms.

    The spotlight shone a bright spot on an empty deserted stage. Edward made his way to the grand piano for a song. The spotlight followed his lead like a star. His fingers started playing the simple three repeating rhythm of a nursery theme. His vocal cords started to hum the intro in a deep-toned country voice.

    ¡°I come from a tower in the valley to make a feast in the alley on kings plate, the streets where we eat, oh let''s break for song, and hope for more here or there, a tune to share leaving coin in my insulated travel mug,¡± Edward sang.

    A solemn trumpet joined in behind the stage.

    ¡°Those lyrics do sound like an interesting lifestyle, maybe you should try living it for a change,¡± said Queen Elizabethy, interrupting by stuffing a crumpet down the end of the trumpet to silence it.

    She had entered the stage with her guards kicking the stagehands, groupies, background dancers, parasites, and bootlickers out onto the street.

    ¡°Yes mother, and what schemes are you hatching to dampen my wedding, why not tell me all about them,¡± said Prince Edward, turning his seat to stare in her eyes.

    ¡°Well, firstly I''ve talked to this poor thing and with how boring she is I doubt she will last during the honeymoon before you hunger to devour her flesh,¡± said Queen, crossing her arms.

    ¡°Perhaps, but that''s none of a nosy mother''s business. I will do whatever I please with my property,¡± said Edward in defiance.

    "Wrong, you are no longer a child with toys. You have a royal image to portray far more important than your selfishness. It will live forever, and you will not," screamed the Queen.

    ¡°I¡¯ll find a way to cheat death itself,¡± he snarkily replied.

    She took out her stuffed bat and whacked the Prince right in the head.

    ¡°Ow! you evil witch,¡± cried Edward, cowering.

    The guards with their separate allegiances stared each other down. Edward recovered from the brief embarrassment and dissociated from feeling any further shame. He suddenly slapped his mother across the face with his human skin glove out of nowhere.

    "You clueless crazy brat," She attacked back, giving him a bloody nose with a smack due to a dozen wedding rings.

    The security guards broke into a scuffle holding them both back as the stage flooded. The opponents entered a duel of screaming swears,but Edward¡¯s microphone got so hot it started malfunctioning in a loud beep whenever he tried to insult her. Three knights jumped at him, pulling at his hands while the Queen broke free and started slapping like crazy.

    Elizabethy was pulled backstage. Edward sat back at his piano bench, and took out a handkerchief to wipe the red off his face. The fight continued as one of his Knights knocked out hers. She stormed out while he smirked.

    "You stop nagging me now or I''ll cancel your invitation to the next dozen special events, and never let you see your grand-kids," he called.

    "Oh you will need me soon enough son, until next time," she gleefully called, leaving with a wave of her hand.

    The Queen quickly located Yasham in her nearby dressing room. The place was decorated with dried flowers that smelled sickly sweet. There were two handy Slywomen helping to try wedding dresses on. They were in the process of changing her outfit to try out number ninety nine when a future mother in law barged into the room.

    ¡°My dear, I wish you a very excellent wedding,¡± she said, eating one of the last grapes from a wedding bowl that was shriveled.

    ¡°Thank you, your majesty, I''m sorry about the King¡¯s death and thank you for bankrolling the wedding,¡± said the bride.

    ¡°Anytime, have fun,¡± said the Queen, scowling a split second before her face lit up with a smile, and a single tear ran down her cheek.

    The royal party continued on the paved path through their park. The Queen walked along a forest stocked full of game they could hunt. The fishing pond was full of creatures big and small, some of which were deadly poison frogs. A creek ran through the entire thing, along a path of reclaimed crystals, and a wooden bridge she crossed. The stone outer wall of Capital City castle loomed above them. A grove of peach trees started growing next to where the steps began to climb up.

    ¡°Where can I find Humpy around these parts?¡± Asked the queen.

    ¡°You can find him atop the wall, your majesty,¡± said the gardener by his cart.

    ¡°Hmm I guess I''m getting my steps in today,¡± said the Queen as she went up steps.

    At the top of the wall the wind blew at her dress and birds flapped by. It was on the grounds outside the wall a market gathered. A shanty shack town slapped together with royal trees cut down by axes and covered by tarps. They had brought their ox''s where any goods could be purchased or bartered. She scowled at the loud haggling going on below her, as she walked atop the thick high wall that separated humans from animals.You could be reading stolen content. Head to the original site for the genuine story.

    Humpy Dumpy sat in the third tower to the north with four other men at a table. The cards were strewn all over, and so were little baggies of crystal. They were gambling at the big dogs table high above the Rottweiler bar. Humpy was the rocks; he had doubled his starting bags of crystals. The door slammed in from a guard''s boot kick.

    ¡°There you are, Humpy, you¡¯ve been avoiding me!¡± yelled the Queen.

    She entered with six Knights. All the other gamblers at the table ran out the back door. One grabbed at Humpy¡¯s winnings, managing to snatch two baggies. It was a second before he noticed on account of being startled by the guests entrance. Humpy gave chase to the last man. He tackled him just before he got to the door. The queen snapped her fingers and three guards piled on further trapping Humpy and the thief to the floor.

    ¡°Take him away boys,¡± said the queen as two soldiers escorted away the thief. ¡°Wait, all the crystals are mine, hand me over,¡± she ordered, stomping down her foot mad.

    The soldiers hard started beating up Humpy who had tried to escape again when they had beaten up the thief. The guard gave her three bags of crystal before leaving and locking both doors.

    ¡°What do you want this time?¡± said Humpy from the floor looking up.

    ¡°I want you to keep an eye on my son and his bride,¡± said the queen.

    ¡°Oh which one this time?¡± he said, around one of his eyes was already turning black and blue.

    ¡°Prince Edward Longbottom," she replied.

    ¡°Ahh the twelfth son, the one said to be closest to crystal,¡±.

    ¡°Yes guard, bring the device out please,¡± ordered the queen.

    Out of the shadows the lizard emerged, with its tongue slurping. Humpy Dumpy began to panic on the floor. The creature advanced on the war master who had turned over to hug the floor for comfort. The lizard laughed in a deep unhuman hiss closing in. Humpy shook as a small object collided with his backside and then landed next to him on the floor. The lizard headed back to the shadows. Humpy uncovered his hands from his head.

    ¡°Next to you is a paging crystal with one use. So once you press the button guards will come swarming to your location en masse,¡± said Elizabethy.

    ¡°Huh that''s neat¡± said Humpy finally getting up and dusting himself off.

    ¡°Your orders are to track the prince and his bride, and snitch everything he does when I call. You need to wait for him to attack her, and page in the guards in order to save her life. You see, I''m very concerned about her. My son has a hot temper¡± she said.

    ¡°Yes mam, I understand my orders¡± said Humpy Dumpty up on his feet proudly doing the blue salute.

    The Queen removed her gloves to untie the little knot in one of the baggies. She struggled, finally pulling it through, and her hands trembled. She took out a small crystal and shoved it up her nose. She made a stink face before taking out another, this time special baggie from her dress and pulling out a bigger higher end crystal from within to put in, replacing the inferior she had sampled. When she was done she threw all of the baggies into Humpy¡¯s outstretched arms.

    ¡°There will be much more where that came from if you do your mission well,¡± she said.

    ¡°Yes your highness, but never-mind actually, ¡± said her servant as she left.

    Across the castle wall to the west tower she traveled. This side was beautiful, with the untouched royal wood with the mountain where her husband had supposedly been slain up above. Inside the next tower, she found the master elite highest second in command of the Knights order.

    ¡°Nimrock, what''s up?¡± said the queen.

    ¡°Yes mother, what can I do for yah?¡± said Nimrock as he put the final touches on polishing his fancy armor.

    She sighed.

    ¡°May I take a seat?¡± she cried.

    ¡°Of course,¡± said the knight.

    ¡°Your father had this place running rampant with crime, it is time to crack it all down, the taverns, the hotels, and the red lights, it''s time to outlaw schlock for only special occasions and special relations to the crown¡± she commanded.

    ¡°Of course we are going to need a very large force to enforce unpopular policies like those, and our men will need to be well stocked in crystal to remain professional,¡± said Nimrock standing up.

    ¡°Of course the vault has been opened, and the train tracks to dwarf mountain are nearly complete,¡± she said.

    ¡°Yes your plans sound good enough to me, we will at once double our manpower and equipment in order to destroy the unneeded distractions out of the communities so they can think of nothing but the crystals we all worship, enough to improve our fortunes I might add¡± said Nimrock.

    ¡°Yes you do that,¡± said the queen heading for where she figured Snaggy would be waiting.

    Prince Edward was due to be wed in two days. He was now in the tavern guzzling down schlock, at the bar getting drunk. Where had Nancy gone to hide? None of his little birds had found the prey yet, until they did he would have to make do with boring old Yasham.

    ¡°Another round,¡± he said to the bartender.

    The prince had enormous bank vaults full of crystal stored all over the kingdom. It was enough to make life too comfortable. Edward was a man who enjoyed pain, and inflicting it. His life was lacking in that department at the moment. He thought of all his former lovers, and haters. Now which ones had hurt him the best. Nancy was top of the list; she had the highest volatile energy out of all the other life forces he had become entangled with.

    The room had brightened far more than before, and everything was buzzing with pleasure. The shots had begun to stack up. The prince was in a good mood, nobody would be getting eaten alive tonight. He got up to the dance floor as the band began to play a funky tune, and he saw the bodies dancing the floor loosely with the rhythm. He was lost in his own thoughts as he began to dance alone, maybe he would find a quick little morsel of a snack dancing on the tavern floor before midnight to quench his unquenchable thirst for blood.

    Nancy sat across the street watching from above, laying atop the building. She was spying on the prince, and was ready to kill him, and then his mother. They would eat her steel as their last meal before another innocent victim could be cannibalized without her participation. All that was left to do was enact the plan for the hit, and to escape to live another day. This wicked empire would soon crumble, or in the worst case the queen would be a martyr. She was guilty of many crimes forever associated with the royals. She would finish this mission before traveling to the crystal core at the center of Tenare.

    Snaggy was in the throne room all alone. The Bootlickers had gone to play with the Prince, on his orders. In order to act as bait to anyone who was interested in his coy charm. Snaggy heard a whispering voice in his head calling him to attention. It sounded like the King was faintly talking into the ether. He was wanting for something that could not be deciphered.

    ¡°Oh no I''m going mad, get a witch my eyes have seen too much¡± the jester cried.

    A bookcase pulled back and the king peaked his head out from the other side. Snaggy jumped back in surprise as he approached the hiding place now revealed.

    ¡°Oh my most trusted servant and loyalist friend. I hope you haven¡¯t yet errored on her bad side¡± said Mardin the 4th from where he hid.

    ¡°You did not die like they all said you did king,¡± Snaggy said.

    ¡°Shhh be quiet fool, and listen here my former wife is unhinged. I plot to divorce, exile her and retake my rightful place at the throne¡± whispered the king.

    ¡°Snaggy, where are you lurking about? I need your input on my plots at once" yelled the Queen outside, getting closer.

    ¡°We will plot her destruction later, and I¡¯ll have you fill out my divorce papers. Do I have your word, you are committed to being loyal to me above all, my loyal friend that is on my side,¡± said the King.

    ¡°I served you first, so that means I always will,¡± said the jester as the bookshelf slammed back shut right in his face.

    The door creaked open. The Queen approached.

    "Jester it is time for you to record a decree that from now on all schlock is restricted by the crown, as it directly prevents us from growing closer to the crystals," she stated.

    "I will decree it at once and order all the taverns closed at once due to your orders," he said.

    "Order that they burn to the ground," she overruled.

    "Anything else?" asked Snaggy.

    "Yes, our army is lacking. The age for joining is to be lowered, that is all," said the Queen.

    "Right, I will have it broadcast to the entire kingdom at once, about your new policy combating the over-consumption of booze. It will no longer flow from the tap on the corner of every street pub," said the fool.

    He flung himself off to the command center to relay the news.

 9: Games of Chance

    A heatwave of dry air hung over the royal wedding. A red carpet trail of matching roses thrown on the ground led to a gothic arch covered in demons. A massive painting hung behind the stage of Yasham and Prince Edward. She wore a classical dress while he broke many traditions.

    The crowd pushed and shoved against the main gate to catch a peek at the bride or groom. The entrance was manned by the fire-breather, sword inhaler, ax-master, strongman champion, and ticket-master who cracked malformed knuckles as he punched a golden snub. The crown had called in extra reinforcements for the strange events.

    A country fair was set in celebration, with tents, games of skill and gambling, flower art all over the park, and the grand race set to start.  The knights picked up trash in their armor, or served soft refreshments on lame horses. The prohibition agents blended among the common folk while the riot cops let their presence be felt with stings inflicted by taser sticks.

    All the most important royalty had gathered in attendance. Some ate popcorn in the stands, others got their hands dirty while wearing the finest robes placing bets. The last minute entrants lined up paying a race animal''s expense on their finest rides.

    The racetrack ran along the entire outside of the fair and a long bit into the woods. Prince Edward wore leather chaps over his suit. He rode to the gate on a war horse dull gray, and skin and bones. The beast was said to be the dead brought back to race as a gift.

    He laughed at a midget trying to climb aboard until he realized it was an 8 year old nephew. Princess Clepotra kicked up dust making her entrance riding a camel in from the desert. It had robotic front legs, and humps full of rivets. Joining her followed a tiny dragon with runt wings, and muscular ostrich legs rode by some kind of duke. There were more than two scowling at Edward now.

    "Losers," yelled Sasha, princess of Upot, with her steed said to breathe water.

    The crowd pointed and laughed as the newly allowed class of riders gathered shyly in the rear. One dropped their armor off a mount by a clumsy accident under pressure. Senior citizens with enough crystals to buy in were known as the so-called nu-nobles. They owned a lot of things of value, but the richest here possessed the ultimate social symbol of royal blood in their veins. Thus those lacking the easy path to legend of being born they had gathered to prove what little worth they had.

    Nancy cloaked in among the racers. She rode stealthily on a motorized bicycle that used gears, magnets, oil, and chains. The bike had an armor disguise that made it kinda look like a cow with spots. A few days ago she was knocked from a noble at the tavern with a sleeping potion. She readied a dart blower between her black lips, while her fingers played with a dart tipped with frogs'' poison. It was time for revenge against her abuser, and it tasted bitter. Anyway, a good day for assassinating a royal in the forest obstacles. She was going to rip out the heart of an empire, and maybe even be able to sneak off to victory.

    The top performing rank and file military cavalry marched in uniform. Their polished armor reflected the roaring heat of the Empire''s authority, and the three suns. Bishop the knight sat atop his enormous armor spiked war horse studying his competition. He was a fierce fighting veteran of many battles, and winner of many wars. The kingdom was in uncertain times so it was time for the military to flex muscle. He was of an elite few selected knights proving to the citizenry that the empire¡¯s military was still strong in power.

    The stands were packed full with a deafening audience chanting for entertainment to start. The guards had frisked everyone, and arrested anyone trying to sneak schlock. They patrolled the stands cleaning up any spilled food dumped by slobs. The winter season was fast approaching, and fur coats were well worn. Nancy shivered at the site of guard dogs being led further down the track. Once the deed was done there was no going back to safety. She had planned for the heat to become deadly on the run. As long as the revenge was successful she had made peace with everything else.

    "Are you prepared for long months of frozen ground so cold there''s mammoths migrating to food. Stay stocked like a settler without ever leaving home. Buy Winston Furs, Jerky, and survival kits for the apocalypse," blared a sponsor over the arena''s loud speaker.

    Elizabethy sat with her bootlickers in the royal box overlooking the racetrack. The fishy advisers were fed fish food by elite knights. She blew on her fingernails to finish drying them white like ice, before taking up binoculars. Snaggy wrote in his journal directly by her side as a personal assistant taking note. It was typical fool behavior to sit writing things down nobody will read. He has such a talent for juggling things, and being a jackass yet his ego moves him to try for a higher purpose that was unachievable with a brain so simple. Queen Elizabethy the 13th was a bored widow with nothing going on, but the fantasy world of royal gossip was always popping off.

    "Snaggy, why don''t you ghostwrite a book for me of bad behaviors of the royals to publicly shame them," She said, smiling while handing him a yellow paper.

    "Hmm yes mam you know I''m good at parkour, and can climb many tree branches to peep on dirt," he chuckled, licking his lips.

    "Any naked pictures are for my eyes only," she scowled, before pretending to wind up a hit.

    Snaggy flinched and dropped the paper that floated away. He panicked frantically jumping, and stepping on a screaming head he caught the runaway object. Him and the guy he had used as a step stool fell into a mess of spilled drink and corn dogs.

    "Corny ass hahaha," Laughed Elizabethy.

    Meanwhile Humpy Dumpy was on a mission. His eyes focused on trying to locate Edward sitting atop his pony spying from a slit in the nearby sewer. There was not long left to go, and his target seemed to have left the racetrack. Humpy had kept sight along the street from the sewer beneath for hours, and was becoming lightheaded due to the fumes. He panicked splashing through waters to run down the tunnel. There was light streaming in from every storm drain he ran past. Where the farc had his target gone. His head was gonna roll if he failed his royal mission.

    "You got it?"

    A very familiar voice snapped him back to attention. Humpy crept forward and peeped out the next hole in the ground. He saw what looked like a large cat''s paw open a side door to a snack stand, and figured he was hallucinating.The genuine version of this novel can be found on another site. Support the author by reading it there.

    "Of course," said the cat, taking out a dime bag, and rattling the contents with its claws like a cat''s cradle.

    "Don''t show that with so many eyes," scolded Prince Edward, climbing from his horse.

    A third paw opened the sheet metal door, and they entered inside the shanty building. The crowd back at the stands grew in intensity as the beginning of the race drew near. Finally, the target slammed the door open, ran to his horse, and galloped back to the track.

    ¡°The race for a large trophy, statue of the winner, and vault full of crystals will soon begin. GET READY! but first archery¡± announced an amplified voice.

    The hay thwacked with an arrow as the archer aimed to hit a bullseye.

    ¡°Well played, Prince Albert '''' said his sole remaining contender, the prince Ricky of Summertown.

    They were neck and neck, dressed in blue and black, and competing in the shooting competition. Prince Ricky stepped into place with his bow and arrow. It was his turn to shoot six arrows at the marked targets downrange.

    ¡°Thwack, Thwack, Thwack!¡± three arrows for the three victims piercing the dummy target, the meat hung out in the heat attracting flies, and a bottle of potion on a wooden stand.

    Just three arrows left to go, and Ricky only had to hit on two of them in order to win.

    ¡°Thwonk¡±.

    The bow string letting go and snapping back into place was all that could be seen. The arrow missed the target by a wide shot traveling out of range into the sky. Ricky drew his bow a second time.

    ¡°Thwack,¡±.

    He drew again, and quickly released.

    ¡°Thwack,¡±.

    The crowd erupted in massive cheers as Albert was eliminated from the competition. Prince Ricky was crowned best of all the archers. This was a golden belt worn by the champ all season. He would at once be the one who took charge of the department in charge of maintaining and coordinating all the archers in battle. Soldiers ran to slap him with badges, honor and present him a massive trophy made of crystals.

    ¡°It''s time to hit the track,¡± yelled the announcer.

    The crowd went wild in anticipation screaming as the horses and other ridden creatures lined up on the line to race.

    ¡°For those listening at home bets are closed remember folks remember that''s the only source of funding for our school systems,"

    "3, 2 ,1 LETS GO!¡± yelled the announcer in yellow waving his red starting flag.

    ¡°BOOM¡±

    The starting cannon fired and the race set off with three exploding out the gate.

    Snaggy quivered as he dodged an outstretched hand, dropping squares.

    ¡°I thought I told you no more betting, no more schlock! I want you to run over there and tell that racetrack at once to knock that off,¡± screamed the Queen.

    He jumped over the guard rails, and escaped out of the royal box.

    "Thump."

    He tumbled into a hard chair of the common stands. High above she shook her fist at the cloud of trading cards scattered where the fool fell. He dodged her view into a thick crowd.

    "Hmm-mph," she scowled worse than any wicked witch.

    It was time to reprimand the announcer down the line. Nobody was doing enough to crack down on crime. The consumption of schlock was so ingrained it was going to be hard like a nutcracker squeezing a tooth to rid it completely from the public. They would slowly raise the minds of the kingdom from the gutters, and those people could be later employed to clean their former residences.

    Some racers already around the first bend. The three in front of prince Edward kicked up dust directly into his face that he had tried to cover with a cloth, having forgotten his proper face armor at home. The horse that was rumored to blow fire let off a black ring of smoke from its thought in front of them all as it entered the forest. Nancy was near the very rear as she readied the blow dart gun and dug her spurs into the horse forcing it forwards much faster.

    Snaggy was dressed in his finest custom suit, it was the best outfit right before his tuxedo that would be worn tomorrow. He ran out of the stands as the first racers zipped past on the track. He was on the path to where he would pass the queen''s orders to another. A man was eating a giant bird leg from a metal rod, while another was drinking something from a cask, he tried to hide. It must have been smuggled schlock. The jester snatched it, the man got up to get it back, but a guard intervened. Snaggy took up the container in his mouth, before he took a big sniff, and a small gulp of half schlock half backwash finished it off.

    ¡°Buuurp yup that''s schlock alright lock him up boys,¡± said the jester.

    The offender was hauled off to the dungeon never to be seen again. Snaggy kept along the path as the Bootlickers had joined him with bellies rumbling from hunger.

    Back in the race, Prince Edward was gaining steam almost in the lead. Nancy had the dart blower clenched in her mouth ready to murder her ex now in second place. The robot camel entered the forest obstacles part of the race first. The horses jumped the raging stream, as the camel stopped, unable to clear the rapids. Nancy and her horse closed in directly behind the prince and she blew him a kiss of death from her mouth.

    ¡°Thwack,¡± the dart shot out right into the gray horse ahead, hitting it in the butt with toxic poison.

    Edward toppled over his horse, as it fell to the ground threatening to crush him underneath. He rolled before he readied his sword, drawing it and stabbing her horse. Nancy fell to the ground and the poison dart blower fell far off somewhere unknown.

    ¡°Ha, ha, ha now is the perfect time for this duel love. You''ve sabotaged both our chances at winning the race due to you being jealous of my new wife,¡± said Edward, drawing his sword and attacking.

    Nancy blocked with her dagger as they danced.

    ¡°hahaha It''s over, I''ve won now, give up you ugly duckling," he smirked.

    Bishop the knight was riding in the rear on his slow bulky war horse. He saw the Prince under attack and got down to help. Edward looked back distracted from the sound of the knight drawing his sword. Nancy smacked his sword and fell it to the ground. Edward smiled empty handed. Her eyes burned with a passion he had never seen before as she pressed down the dagger getting closer to his chest.

    ¡°Ha, ha, ha,¡± he repeated.

    ¡°Why are you laughing.. Don''t bother talking, for I know your tongue is full of lies, and desire to grind your food into nothing,¡± she said.

    Bishop swung his great sword slowly at Nancy. She saw the reflection in Edward''s dark aviators and ducked just in time. In return he pulled out an emergency tiny backstabber from his underwear. He used this moment of opportunity to stab his crazy ex girlfriend again and again. The tiny little dagger had to fit in his skin tight pants, and thus wasn¡¯t capable of going very deep. Nancy screamed head-butting him, and dove underneath another clumsy slash from Bishop. She picked up her sword and chopped off Edward''s hand.

    ¡°AAAAAHAAAAAAAAAA!¡± he cried like a baby running for the stands,

    Bishop swung again and thought he nicked her backside. Nancy bled as she ran into the safety of the woods. Alarms blared and dogs barked.

    Meanwhile the cats deep in the empty city saw a moment to strike. They had started heisting the bank vaults, as the troops rallied to the assassination attempt. The cats having already broken into the Queen''s main stash had all her crystal bagged to take with them to where they scratched.

    The explosives blew open up an entrance. Bags of loot were thrown into the sewer at Humpy''s feet where he thought he had been hiding.

    ¡°Another successful job,¡± said the head cat laughing through his balaclava, and throwing away the detonator.

    Humpy ran in the opposite direction pressing the pager device over and over again in panic. Outside more alarms started on high alert calling back the soldiers. The cats hissed, sprinting to kill the rat down their escape. They almost caught up to him until they rounded a corner and a metal door was slammed in their whiskers. The cats reached through the big iron bars guards for the unlock on the other side.

    Just as they turned the knob, royal guards swarmed in arresting them. The informant had earned himself the promise of a medal sometime in the future, and earned being alive another day.

 10: Overdose

    Fred, and Jed advanced with the other soldiers. The steps were treacherously steep, and dwarfed by their human sized feet. These haggard men were lucky to be alive after killing so many enemies. They found themselves trapped deep in the mines separated after the roof had collapsed behind. What kept them going was that outside the mountain would be sunny skies, fresh air, and reinforcements if they survived. Surely the rest of the empire would be waiting for them with mini guns, airships and other heavy death dealing machinery too large to fit down here. For now they remained getting sicker and more lost underground.

    It was good for Ned that he had been left to his own devices away from the mouth-breathers. He had the honor of both being the only surviving fool, and wizard in the party. His imagination and uniqueness became separated from his body around the rigid commanders. Fred was starting to act similarly. Jed was already far too brainwashed for his own good, permanently stuck in army mode, and a lost cause to ever rehabilitate. While Ned struck off from further from the party he had an ode to nonviolence that was inconvenient at the moment. He wasn''t fool enough to squander away a treasure trove if he discovered it first. The crystal worshiper in him overpowered remaining loyalties to an Empire that mistreated him. So him, and the Dwarves stash would teleport to the core to live there happily ever after. A key step in resetting the balance of Tenare would be found after he immersed himself in crystal mind therapy.

    At the bottom of the winding rock staircase was a cell blocked by iron bars. The donkey Ned used to easily descend the stairs. The dwarf was immobile against the wall caked in crystal. It was a symptom of severe overuse of the sacred stones. As they kept down the path more and more crystallized dwarfing bodies littered the floor. A hand grabbed onto Jed that he stabbed away. Dwarves littered around slightly moving groaning in pain immobile beings unable to refill their exposed pipes.

    Fred and Jed walked close together with their swords drawn at the ready. If any dwarfs were to charge they would get what was coming. Life was all about being ready for death or to deal with it as a professional soldier and there were things worse than death for betraying orders. After they found out whatever the royals were after they would hand over the treasure, and get the reward offered.

    Jed had always planned to retire to be a woodsman, or farmer. The appeal to life in the remote wilderness was that it came without a crown of control sitting over a soldier''s eyes. He could finally be free to be himself. After all he had trained by running the family farm with his 9 siblings and wilderness survival when he ran away from home. He hadn¡¯t had the opportunity to earn wilderness survival badges in his youth, but now he could get some medals in the military to make up for it.

    Fred planned on stealing just a little bit for himself to upgrade horses, apartments, and party. He was going to take just enough to avoid the heat of the guards looking for the looted coffers. He would go to the bar, and casino for just one weekend. After a brief spell of fun, and finding a hot girlfriend to be his he would invest everything else smartly.

    "Hey what''s that smell?¡± asked Ned, loudly sniffing the air.

    The donkey he rode was becoming uneasy down a quickly darkening incline.

    "Come on keep going mule," he prodded his animal forward while the rest had caught up.

    The knights drew swords, and muzzle loaders and plain soldiers around readied bows, and spears. The ramp evened out to a large cavern lit with torchlight. A homely house of rock carved into the opposite wall. The thick oak door was painted green and two windows bathed in yellow. Mushrooms grew in stone window-boxes under the tattered curtains that leaked the light outside. Here the carved statues of dwarfs stood guard, with some knocked over, but all watching over.

    ¡°Psst don''t awaken the statues for while the dwarfs lay severely weakened their rocks do not,¡± whispered Ned, holding a single finger above his lips.

    He got off his donkey, tying the attached harness rope around a round metal bar. Ned adjusted his baggy wizard cloak to search a compartment. He gripped something small as he advanced to the front door, and let himself in. A gust of dead air blew out stunning soldiers behind for a split second. Fred and Jed remained unfazed and took up forward command. The other dozen sheepishly followed close behind them.

    Inside a stuffy cavern faintly lit by just a few dim lights. A long feasting table of short stature ran across the entire length of the room dividing it in half. It was covered in carcasses so decomposed it had mummified, and vegetables dehydrated into dust. At the very end of the room stood thirteen thrones carved out of crystal stones under dwarf artworks.The seats of power stuffed full of still bodies of rusted dwarf armor put together with rusted horns, wrist blades, grappling hooks, and many other gadgets. The armor was uneven, some of it was already hanging off or on the floor. The dead ruler¡¯s eyes had been covered with green luck crystals, and the mouths had been sewn shut.

    "These were once kings once upon a time been the finest smelted items now reduced to nothing," said Ned.

    The party advanced forward as another piece dropped down clanging loudly. Fred jumped briefly touching the ceiling before falling into Jed''s arms who pushed him out.The dead dwarf kings lay caked in crystal orange rust. Their previously dead stuffed bodies showcasing old masterclass armor in their hall. Lining all four walls were packed with pallets of fresh cut crystals stacked overhead and organized into groups. A number of them gasped, while others began to loot.

    ¡°This is more crystal than I have ever seen mined in my life, how did they get that many?¡± asked a soldier.

    ¡°That''s fresh gas from the sacred center of Tenare,¡± said Ned, as he bent to caress the side of a fresh cut crystal slab.This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.

    ¡°But how do you know?¡±

    ¡°Must be some kind of magic,¡± said another.

    ¡°He is right," said Fred.

    "Yup we were teleported there with him involuntarily against my will and would have caught desertion charges if he kept us any longer,¡± hollered Jed, visibly frustrated.

    ¡°We saw the great cavern of sacred crystals in the center of the planet ourselves,¡± said Fred.

    ¡°Unfortunately, if they have been mass teleporting in crystals mined from the center we are in big trouble," warned Ned tracing lines in the dust on a dead dwarfs helmet then he stuck a finger in the empty eye socket. "The entire system will be out of balance and an apocalyptic event will be in danger of being triggered¡± he added, licking his fingers aft for further clues. "Yup this stuff comes from the center of the planet 100% confirmed," he finished.

    ¡°Zaaaap!¡±

    Somewhere outside the throne room the electricity crackled and popped going wild. Blue bursts of pure energy bolted into the entry striking discarded armor.

    ¡°Quick we must investigate,¡± said Jed, charging forward to battle.

    Fred, Jed, and the rest of the soldiers crept forward with arms at the ready. In the next cavern a machine and crystal rigged in the corner runes lit up with light. A teleportation device armed with large Farc crystals zapped alive with electricity from electro-stones. A gang of Elves sat behind the control terminal hitting big flashing manual buttons, sliding slides and inserting cables into holes in the switchboard that sparked. All were clothed in fancy white suites with green polka dot ties. They supervised the unloading of a payload that sparkled. The leprechauns did the dirty work stacking on nearby pallets ultra rare cracked crystals mined from the planet''s core.

    ¡°Anyone have any ideas for a plan for taking out these guys?¡± asked Jed.

    ¡°We will explode the entire mountain, well just everyone starts running before I blow it. I have an oath to put a stop to this blasphemous operation at all costs,¡± said Ned, sneaking off.

    ¡°Let''s get out of here before this fool does something he regrets,¡± said Jed.

    "Aye," said some of the others together. "Good idea," a few more.

    ¡°That''s not good, I''m scared of explosions,¡± cried Fred, cowering.

    The Elves finished taking stock of their crystals. The Leprechaun got behind the control panel and turned it on, opening a portal. The circle pulsed and swirled a black void that must have led back to a secret mining operation at the core of the planet. A few soldiers stood watching from above with their slow brains still not coming up with any alternative actions. Ned rode past them on his donkey, with a device primed in his hand. He hopped off and tossed it off the overhang where they watched above as it exploded. The elves were caught with a direct hit ripping their flesh into smithereens while flinging the Leprechauns into the portal. The crystals stored below burst up in flames shaking the mountain to its core.

    ¡°Ned and Fred hop aboard, and we will ride out of danger up above,¡± said Ned, attempting to rein in his beast inside the mountain.

    ¡°Why have you done this, we are gonna run instead,¡± said Fred.

    ¡°Fine you fools, don''t trust me,¡± said Ned, as his steed continued forward.

    "Jed was right about you being a mad wizard," said Fred.

    Jed chuckled before being shaken into action as explosions increased in frequency. The soldiers ran while the floor rumbled underneath. Ned was already far ahead of them on the path away from his actions. Rocks fell from the ceiling as it shook and the party ran across a flimsy rope bridge over lava which bubbled. The crystals blowing had set off a chain reaction, and the mountain was set to erupt like a volcano. The donkey was spooked and picked up speed running far ahead of the others.

    The donkey jumped over a ball of fire that soared behind them trapping a soldier in a corner. Ned almost lost his head ducking past the swinging ax traps from the ceiling. There was another rumble in the tunnel as the lava climbed higher. The path was blocked until he threw the last explosive he had been holding. It blew a wall open and he rode out the other side as soldiers followed. A group of three dwarfs limped out the tunnel as the advancing donkey trampled them under hoof. An unseen enemy took the chance to ponce, knocking him off, and commandeered the beast. It was a brief rodeo with the Dwarf promptly bucked into a wall like a pancake.

    ¡°What a tool,¡± said Ned, climbing back onboard.

    He was speeding ahead, as a dozen enemies tried to trap them. They flew past battlefields full of dead, but nothing more living. Soon they raced out the side of the mountain into a firing range of pointed military guns. There were tanks, grunts, and gunships aiming down at him from above. A single soldier ran out behind him before a massive billow of smoke, then an eruption of flames shot out of the tunnel.

    ¡°Are you alright?¡± asked a hand in order to help up the grizzled man on the ground.

    ¡°NOOO! The soldiers behind me have surely fallen,¡± cried Ned, swatting intensely to stop his wizard robes full of holes from further smoldering.

    The other survivor was in the background looking around dazed and confused.

    ¡°What is your name, other soldier?¡± yelled the commander at him a short while later.

    ¡°Code name Octo ION I''m a secret operative of the highest department of the crown,¡± said the soldier, taking off his mask to reveal bald head and black stubble.

    ¡°If it was a secret why would you tell us then?¡± said the commander, stepping over.

    Her face lit up with suspicion and handcuffs at the ready on account of the wild story.

    ¡°Here you can see my royal badge proving I''m not a liar, I¡¯m here for a top secret ass.. I mean assignment,¡± he said, reaching out to show his identification.

    ¡°Very well sir, and you on the donkey?¡± she asked, approaching the wizard.

    ¡°Lady my name is Ned, and I¡¯m a dedicated pacifist do we really have to do this song and dance? My men are in that volcano surely burning up dead from the intense heat and I am overcome with grief for their passing,¡± he cried.

    ¡°Very well we will recover some of the bodies for you if possible. Don¡¯t worry I¡¯m sure some of the cadavers will be intact for the experiments guys like you love to do,¡± she said, before turning to order troops.

    She and the other commanders stayed outside wearing special dragon plate flame repellent armor. The volcano outside was already slowly ceasing its brief eruption. Black smoke choked the jungle valley of vision. Ned rode away to get some fresh air among the green scenery.

 11: Sick Season

    Capital City had a few hospitals. The first was large, dirty, and constructed next to the dungeon. In the past schlock was the only analgesic on hand, but now it was outlawed. Next up loomed the asylum in darkness, cracked paint, and lights that flickered with every administration of the electro-stone therapy going on inside. Here anybody too different was experimented on until they fit back into society like a well greased cog in the machine.

    On the other hand the royals had a membership only hospital. It was a crystal covered feat of engineering that sparkled inside the innermost castle walls. The floors inside shone blindly due to being polished every hour on the dot. Only the best treatments first tested on the undesirables and found safe were utilized. No civilization anywhere else could compete with such advanced medicine.

    A loud commotion in an operating room. A disheveled Prince cried out in pain holding a bloodied stump where his hand had previously been. It was cut off, pulverized with whatever remained of a humble ego destroyed by his ex-girlfriend. The nurses ran to subdue him as Edward retaliated by knocking over a cart. The fallen tray of "Eval" branded instruments that clanged a sad symphony on the floor. He slid out of a choke hold like a slippery eel and ran into a row of cabinets that fell on his face.

    "Smash!"

    Broken glass cracked underneath the hospital gown while a little fella fell out shriveled. The crunching beneath drew blood and mixed with orange potion from beakers as he continued rolling on the floor.

    ¡°Calm down this tantrum at once! This is a disgrace, don''t make me get the Queen,¡± said an older nurse in a scolding voice.

    ¡°Grrrrrrrrrr,¡± Edward growled at them like a feral hog.

    He crawled forward with his hair disheveled while looking like a creature from the sewers. Another nurse ran in with a modified device originally invented to launch wet t-shirts at contests. She crouched aiming at the target.

    ¡°Twunk!¡±

    A net was launched. Edward was tied up on the floor wriggling about. The nurses surrounded him with wooden crutches they had picked up off a nearby wall.

    ¡°Let me have it ladies,¡± said Edward, winking.

    The nurses beat him with crutches, rolled newspapers, and one grabbed a spare wheelchair. Edward crawled forward slowly to position himself in a better spot for increased damage, and his eyes lit up in excitement. He had his last laugh before settling into a mischievous smirk that shone through even when biting into the rope that bound him.

    ¡°Ewe the sick freak likes it,¡± said the male nurse, increasing his hits with the wheelchair to the head.

    ¡°Get a jester in here immediately to record it, maybe we can shame him publicly," called another.

    ¡°I can attach the new hand myself.. hand it over one day this will be my hospital remember if you want to live,¡± Edward screamed.

    ¡°But it isn''t yours yet,¡± said the elderly nurse.

    "Or will be ever outside your fantasies," sassed one girl that looked younger than him.

    "Hahaha," laughed the peanut gallery.

    "REEEE!" screamed the disorderly patient.

    While the nervous breakdown was in progress and orderly walked over to the cabinet that hadn¡¯t been knocked over, and started taking things out. The first a long crystal cutting hook that snapped into a holder fit up for a hand stub. The prince smiled excitedly at his new attachment knowing that the only thing that could stop its super cut was similar crystal materials. A nurse removed the safety off a massive needle and filled the syringe with liquid. Edward began to quiver, shaking in fear.

    ¡°I think he¡¯s afraid of needles,¡± said the nurse laughing.

    ¡°Let''s catch him up on his shots, and tranquilizer,¡± shouted another.

    ¡°I don''t want to be sedated when I get out of here I will skin every one of you and anyone else unlucky enough to share your professions. I will burn each and every cursed hospital to the ground, and replace them with natural witchcraft healing centers. You are all subordinates,¡± Edward raged, with his voice wildly switching pitches.

    ¡°Ah, another prince has injured themselves at the tournament? Very well,¡± said the top royal doctor entering the room.

    ¡°A very naughty patient who needs a hook attached to his hand at once so he may be sent back into the wild where he belongs,¡± said a nurse.

    "He''s lucky to have prince privileges," said another.

    ¡°Hey get me some schlock I know you keep it in here¡± Edward screamed.

    A crowd whispering gathered around the doctor''s ear while he ignored them studying a fresh clipboard.

    ¡°Hmm well the head nurse tells me that for the splicing procedure you have opted to take elephant dosed shots of painkillers, and schlock in equal measure, but unfortunately it has been banned in the entire kingdom,¡± said the doctor.

    ¡°Banned? Who is running this place, the jesters? Outlawing healthy natural schlock remedies that get you drunk for the sacrilegious big medical industry that turns you into sheep with spells blah," Edward spat.

    ¡°Orders of the crown have banned certain substances My lord but we still have our ways,¡± said the doctor smiling.

    A bandaged stub seeped stuck out from a hole in the ropes. He sobbed at the loss of control he felt.

    "I must get out for the woman I still pin for. Nancy must still love me, and this is her gift for her signs of affection have always been macabre in nature," cried Edward, finally calming down due to a light head, and loss of blood.Unauthorized use: this story is on Amazon without permission from the author. Report any sightings.

    He took out a massive book on operating off the shelf and split it in half like a deck of cards. The pages had been hollowed for hidden inside a cut out came an iron flask. Edward''s dry lips were moistened through the netting.

    ¡°Finally a drink to celebrate my replacement. It''s all I''ve asked for, and more," he said, taking a swig through the holes.

    ¡°Now take your painkiller baby,¡± said a nurse leaning in with the type of shot he hated.

    Edward fought against the net that surrounded him, but despite all the troubles could not manage to escape from it.

    ¡°AAAA¡± he screamed in fear, his face white as ice, mouth frozen open in terror.

    The doctor took hold of the first of one hundred needles sticking into a jar. It came down pricking a vein while the captive shrieked. The mysterious liquid was pushed to mix with the Prince''s blood. He tried to resist but was promptly put to sleep. With that done the doctor bent down with a scalpel and started cutting the rope net. A nurse ran in with the hand hook and dropped it beside them both on the cart

    The nurses took turns injecting him with more, and more needles full of liquids of all kinds of colored potion concoctions. The doctor picked up the hook and slapped it onto the hand with clamps. The nurses held it up as the doctor went, grabbing a torch with a small magma crystal on one end purple on the other. He lit it with a flint and began to weld the prince and his new hand together. The flesh and material melded together into one smelling of burning hairs. The prince dozed off in slumber unaware of the new deadly attachment, attached to him at the wrist.

    Edward awoke queasy on a cot, in his hospital office by his desk. His gown was wet from drops, and he needed a chamber pot at once. A passing servant outside the room helped him but from a distance, the sharp swinging hook practiced cutting the rags soon to be soiled.

    The next day the sun was shining out on the patio. A fresh intoxicating breeze was blowing smells only found in the middle of spring. Edward was eating crumpets and drinking black coffee. He reclined back in a chair under the gazebo by the ocean at his lair in the sand.

    ¡°Son I hear you are set to be married again,¡± announced a voice from behind.

    Edward jumped into the air, and turned, knocking the rest of his crumpets to the ground. He gasped, nearly slicing his own neck, but instead cut the chairs fabric. He tumbled onto the floor burning himself all over with the pooling hot coffee. A pair of pajama pants with soiled winter boots squeaked over to his location

    "Ow that''s hot," he gasped.

    King Mardin stood alone, before placing a boot on his chest. The Queen had lied about his demise.

    ¡°Father you live,¡± said Edward.

    ¡°Your mother has told me everything so I won¡¯t beat around the bush. With a little persuasion I was able to get her on my side of the bed before we agreed together that the problem we created needs to be taken care of,¡± said Mardin leaning on the railing.

    ¡°But if I win then I only have one more parent to lock up before I take the throne,¡± said Edward, suddenly springing into motion like a king snake.

    He dusted off sand found under the shade into his father''s face, then rolled out of the cut of the sword that stabbed. He rose to battle the ruler for power madly swinging his fresh attachment.

    ¡°Indeed, let''s hope that I do my job properly so that my wife is not left alone to be terrorized by you, the demon child she has birthed. I can¡¯t believe we had even considered divorce now that our paths are aligned again. We share the same goals for acquiring crystals,¡± said Mardin the 4th.

    That morning the King and Queen had awoken sleeping in the same bed again after a long time apart they had rekindled. He had surprised her by filling the dining room table with gifts. She had entered the room that had been set with a fancy surprise supper, candles, and graveyard potions brewing set with garlic, silver, spice, and everything nice (except schlock).

    King Mardin drew his large sword for the next attack. Edward lurched forward with his hook slashing at the chest drawing blood, while dodging the blade. The two men backed off from each other, circling around both looking for their next opening to attack.

    ¡°We know now, son, that you¡¯ve been helping someone steal from the center of the planet. We have been betrayed by our very own flesh and blood this entire time behind our backs. You didn''t even share the technology for industrial teleportation that could have instantly advanced our kingdom in a hundred years. Don¡¯t think you will ever escape here alive for this colossal betrayal,¡± said Mardin.

    Guards had swarmed in behind the king at some point. The fancy restaurant porch sat high up over the sea trapping the prince in. The only way out appeared to be jumping a thousand feet into the ocean, or murdering everyone here.

    ¡°Not fair let me and him duel this one out. Just the two of us fighting domestically!¡± yelled Edward.

    The King stuck up his armored glove, stopping his soldiers from further advancing. Edward charged with a raised dagger, but Mardin swung his sword at the target who ducked at the last second taking a gash across the face. The dagger of the betrayer fell leaving only a purple hook, and one eye bleeding. The soldiers gathered round and laughed as the hooked madman tried to reach with his good arm that had now also been nicked. His injured eye no longer seeing clearly inflicted by the same blood flowing through his veins. Mardin had come determined to kill him.

    ¡°You want somebody to throw you a sword to even out this fight boy. Haha It seems unfair with that freakish hook for a hand that will earn you no loyalty from normal men,¡± said the King as his guards continued to laugh.

    ¡°We end this right here.. My rule happens or it doesn¡¯t!¡± yelled Edward, charging again.

    ¡°Just another son gone mad,¡± said Mardin, raising his sword.

    "Maybe check your pants," hissed the Prince.

    The King glanced at his belt buckle distracted for just a split second. The Prince deflected the first blow, parrying his father''s blade putting him into defensive positioning. He went on the attack, but it was a fake instead Mardin was kneed in the family jewels. Edward instantly slashed across the throat ruthlessly drawing final blood. The crowd of soldiers gasped as if their King gargled the last sign of life.

    ¡°Defeat due to dirty cheap shots,¡± somebody yelled.

    Gunfire cut off any further conversation. The dead body fell back as Edward tackled him pushing them both over a railing. The Knights swarmed to eliminate the assassin. Edward caught his hook below, and was swinging to higher ground. Soon he was over them to a distinct building holding on. He pulled himself up to a vent in the ceiling. The once prince growled crawling in on a mission to crown himself King.

    Prince Edward prowled the nearby streets until night unable to catch sight of Nancy or his mother. The sharp hook on his hand was still stained with blood from the slayed king. One of his eyes was a rage filled bloodshot orb fixated in the pursuit of power, and the other patched after he had been injured in the process of taking the crown that would soon hang over his head.

    Snaggy hid still behind a dumpster spying. The fool was out of sight for he cowered in fear for his life. This newly self declared king looked scary, and the future looked uncomfortable. Jesters were already an endangered profession in the kingdom now perhaps they would become hunted extinct. This prince had never seemed to enjoy intellectually stimulating entertainment like the 16-ball juggle or an exercise in fire breathing techniques.

    "Snaggy oh I can see you cowering there I need advice" said the man running forward, and slashing with the sharp hook on his hand.

    "AAAA" screamed the fleeing jester.

    Snaggy darted off a dark side street, before jumping into a taxi. The man who wished to crown himself king by morning walked along an empty city street in the dead of night looking for his next victim or anyone that would glaze him.

 12: Schemes & Dreams

    ¡°The King lays dead for real this time, read all about it,¡± yelled the child running down the street with a bundle of freshly printed press in his arms.

    At the same time the Queen cried tears in her eyes increasing in ferocity. She shut the door to her inconspicuous house purchased in the noble neighborhood. Her army of private mercenary bodyguards waiting idly outside. Some she had worked on straining the pool while others walked her dogs. They were paid handsomely in crystal, and stood guard in the same hardened materials.

    The blinds stayed permanently shut while she locked herself in the walk in freezer with a large storage of provisions of mostly ice cream. She seemed to be mourning the death of the husband she had always resented for real this time. She was aware of all the contradictions going on in this situation. A deep rage was burning up in her chest that had once held a secret love for her. She vowed to snuff out this toxic child of hers before he could further ruin her kingdom.

    Her first order of taking over as main ruler she would have to mother. No more playing the part of the nice and air headed accessory for her husband, and weak enabler for her children. Edward would be exiled or better slaughtered for the better of everyone. She would rule with a crystal fist with no more enabling, instead eradicating the ailments of society. The population elevated to new social order under the spirit of the crystals.

    If the royal scientists were to be believed when one traveled to the center of the core of the planet frequently, they got more powerful. So one could rule over Tenare forever with a greatly expanded or even infinite lifespan. It was all about getting as close to the core, bathing in it for as long as possible to increase one''s core essence and become infused with the power needed to rule over the kingdom. Soon she would be infused with greatly expanded brain function as well. All to be the best leader ever.

    She shuddered, throwing a log in the fireplace, before throwing over a thick fur coat. It was nearing the final days of the season, before the year would change over and the cold, and snow would arrive. The Queen entered the steps to her basement. The two leprechauns there were finishing the installation of a teleportation device in her home.

    "Take me to the core for my daily meditation there at once, you creatures," she commanded them.

    The Queen stepped onto the teleportation pad made of crystal hooked by thick cables connected to where the leprechaun operators-controlled switches.

    "Turn me on, and send me in," she said.

    A leprechaun nodded and began to turn a dial, cranking open a portal slowly forming under the queen''s feet. The room began to shake, coming alive as energy was channeled out of the crystal.

    In the core of Tenare the mass of human troops spread throughout the frozen woods. There ancient timbers fell ten at a time with so many dedicated to working large saws on both ends. More soldiers dragged brush to fires that had burned forever in the constant moonlight. The elite guards watched over their ruler doing a lotus pose in the snow.

    "Wow she really does have ice in her veins," said a soldier, pointing to her figure tanning away.

    "Shut up, I''m not getting put in the cooler again," said another, readying an explosive charge to use further into the mountain pass on a rock blocking the path.

    The Queen was basking near a boombox, a portable bar manned by freezing slaves wearing a forced outfit of short shorts, straw hat and a floral printed short sleeve. A lounge chair plopped beside her rested a snowman placeholder for her next man.

    She stayed half naked as she watched her soldiers clear cut a path to where the mountain of crystal had been discovered at the planet''s core. Snaggy stood far to the side shivering in his furs. The royal reptiles and bootlickers refused to come to this place. Snaggy was the Queen''s only counsel where she spent increasingly large portions of her days. It was the only place she seemed to find safe, and would even sometimes sleep out here in the woods with the wolves howling.Love what you''re reading? Discover and support the author on the platform they originally published on.

    "Shrieeeeeeek!" cried a small animal dying nearby.

    Snaggy shuddered. He needed a break from all this action to get back to his safe space crunching numbers while doing the royal accounting. The kingdom was in dire straits with its finances and debt to the elves. Plus his bones and muscles were beginning to tire out from so much coldness. The Queen didn''t see him as a man to love, but a fool to humiliate and accessory to murder.

    Meanwhile Prince Edward had locked himself up alone in his tower. The wedding was still set for tonight, and in only six hours. He paced back and forth without his usual enthusiasm for the trappings of marriage. Unfortunately he had no other options at the moment because his favorite ex had cut off his hand, and fled for good.

    ¡°Oh well you fool it is time to unwind in celebration, not to mope like a brat,¡± he said to himself, pouring out a tall pale of schlock to slurp.

    ¡°Gulp, gulp, gulp ah that''s good for quenching the thirst of inner turmoil,¡± he said.

    Edward''s mind had inherited the gift of always being focused on plotting. To clear out his mind he dumped the remainder of the schlock down his throat. He would need to feast again soon, as he was growing weak from lack of human consumption. The wedding expenses he now found himself footing would be worth it to feast on her feet during the honeymoon.

    He paced back and forth for several minutes before he found himself at his safe. Because he was paranoid he had mastered the art of unlocking the safe dial in record time. Inside was the scheme awaiting Nancy when his little birds located her. The old witch had prepared him a love bomb full of wires, a keypad, and an irresistible payload. All he had to do was find the perfect place to plant it after he speed ran the current marriage filling his 12th and last legal harem spot, then eating her for sport. He had used the old faithful love gun for her and now there was no escaping.

    "Knock, knock,KNOCK!"

    "What do you want?" yelled Edward, heading to open it.

    ¡°Bang!"

    The door blew open pulling the nails, and snapping it from the hinges. Another Prince entered, catching our hooked specimen with his pants around his ankles. Dick greeted the fallen one in surprise with an outstretched glove.

    ¡°You absolute buffoon you''re lucky I didn''t slit your throat with this¡± said Edward, crawling away to the furniture. He hooked cutting an anchor right into castle stone and pulled himself up.

    ¡°Check out my newest murdering machine hahah," he laughed like a maniac, whilst flaying the couch into chunks.

    ¡°I see. Extremely cool and impressive boss, Now I''m here to help you out with anything evil as long as you give me lots of power, crystals, and lands in exchange¡± said Dick Richard, a man of more fighting than words who bowed before holding a righteous red salute.

    "I need you to find me teleportation crystals first, A colossal quantity of them for my experimentation, and I don''t care how awful your methods for obtaining them are.. I will pay you handsomely in ultra rare cracked rocks taken from the Dwarf mines that collapsed after an unfortunate smelting accident," said Edward.

    "I see, My Knights are above the law, and ready when you need them for dirty work," said Dick Richard.

    "Get out your dagger unless you want me to do it," said Edward, pricking the top of his good hand with the sharp hook.

    Dick Richard removed his glove and dagger and repeated the exercise of bloodletting before shaking hands with his brother, forming a pact to secure power together.

    "We come, and we go from this planet, but our actions forever remain inscribed in the stones below, no blood deal can ever be broken without triggering a curse extending forever to one and his ancestry until the blood burns out from torment," they chanted together a pledge of allegiance.

    Nancy ran into the forest not far from the tower. She walked with a sack of essential items strapped to her back along the railroad track. Her mission had failed; she would have to flee to the jungle for a while. To go in again in a few years when things had died down for another shot at ending the tyranny and stopping the crown. Her whole life had been spent as an undercover rebel, and things were personal.

    The plan to destroy the kingdom from within  had started after they had burned her village. She had hidden under hay whilst her family was taken away to what she thought was working backbreaking labor. That was until the elves had found a better way of mining and cultivating by cannibalism became a dirty royal secret.

    She later found out from tracking down some survivors that she was orphaned. By age sixteen she had too many crystal scales forming from doing so much witchcraft. The experiments with crystal meant she never had anything else to lose because it could just be resurrected. Her powers grew so large she was able to get into royal high school through an evil inclusion program.  That''s where she met Edward and bonded over death.

 13: Mystery of a Murder

    Dwarf mountain was still blowing with molten heat like a forge. The wizard rode up the steps to the top leaving the rest missing in action. The path behind had been blocked with collapses.

    Ned sat atop his stead zooming along the clearing cut to lay fresh train tracks. He was headed back home. It was just another day as a foolish wizard. It was a profession that seemed to always leave him alone in the end. He removed the stringed instrument folded up in his back sack and began to strum it after it had been assembled.

    "Time keeps going, funny people I know keeps going too, ho ho ho, no longer entertaining me no more, hey it the wizard and his steed keep walking along on its own, can''t do much but go the only path we are given forward, to have fun and go slow isn''t that right you mule," Ned sung and strummed bouncing to an audience of his mule.

    They continued along the path leading back to civilization leaving the volcano in the rear-view where Fred, Jed, and the rest of the soldiers were. They had run around like chickens with their heads cut off. Oh well.

    Meanwhile Jed noticed glowing signs had lit the roof in a strange language. He took the gamble taking them out the lower door going out the other side of the large mountain.

    "I''m glad the dwarves installed an emergency exit," said a soldier grimacing through a soot covered exterior.

    The entire platoon slowly were bathed in outdoor light. They emerged out of a hidden passage covered in vines. After cutting their way out the troops ran out into the jungle. Not long behind fire angrily spat out of the cave. On top of the former mountain lava launched whilst soot blocked the suns. There were chunks of molten heat rained into the nearby trees lighting them on fire.

    ¡°Nobody is to be seen anywhere Fred, I can¡¯t believe they would abandon us like that we need to get far away from here,¡± stammered Jed.

    The soldiers advanced further into the uncharted jungle. There was only one of the groups still carrying a machete. He cut out a small path in front through the thick vines while others improvised with their swords. The black smoke bellowed far behind them up in the air. It was a sign to keep a fast pace of travel.

    ¡°We are going to have to find some food and water before very long. Does anybody have any ideas there?¡± asked Jed.

    Fred was stuck in a trance. He spied on a branch a bright and colorful parrot studying him. The forest had a giant mushroom here or there, but was mostly made of timber. The party ran forward spooking animals with reckless abandon. They dodged trees, rabbits, tigers, and bears also running from the chaos. The sole focus of all was surviving the blast behind them.

    What must have been many hours later Jed saw a snake hanging. He got closer to the rest in the center where a can of beans was being shared. This was going to be a night of fright spent camping out lost in the jungle. They had become extremely lost running in panic from the hot molten ash of the erupting volcano.

    ¡°We need to get a position fortified and set up for sleeping, and then somewhere we can engineer to be above the ground,¡± said Jed ordering the men all around him.

    ¡°Right on it chief,¡± said a soldier, beginning to climb a tree to get a better vantage point.

    The noon suns beat their heat working through the smog while humid steam emitted from all over the thick foliage. Rain in the forest drying with the heat above it. The soldiers began to fasten beds up in the trees, tying poles of wood, branches, and large leaves together with fabric.

    A small stream ran beside them Fred stood in it with a spear at the ready stabbing at the water over and over. Eventually he stabbed a small trout successfully and returned to where a fire had been started next to the water. The smoke from the cooking fish wafted up to where they would spend the night and Jed was already hiding.

    Night came on quickly, and the men found themselves all drifting off harnessed above the ground that continued to remain alive below. A frog hopped across underneath where Fred''s head rested, as a monkey called in the distance, and a snake slithered up a tree joining them.

    Later Fred cooked three small plucked ducks skewed to the same stick. It was a bleak night with both moons absent from the sky and very dark out of bounds of the campfire. The jungle sounded still, windless and quiet, until a branch broke nearby putting those not sleeping on alert. Some still tried playing cards on a large stump betting the last of their individual schlock rations.

    ¡°Did we lose anyone in the mountaintop explosion?¡± A mysterious voice boomed from the trees.

    "It''s a ghost," cried a soldier, falling off his chair, looking for danger in every direction, and stealing a peak at others'' hands.

    Fred fumbled the food, almost dropping it in the fire until he knocked it into the sand. He cursed dusting off the meat while those who had been sleeping also dusted themselves off. The pink flamingo-like flowers along the camp''s edge were pushed aside as the troops readied their weapons for a fight.

    "Why the long faced gang. HEY don''t friendly fire on your friend now," called a disheveled wizard, riding in on his steed.

    ¡°Good to see you again Ned,¡± said Jed, greeting him into camp for the night. ¡°We traveled by day and slept in the trees at night working back to civilization slowly. I''m sure there were similar struggles on your path,¡± he finished guiding the animal away from the middle of camp, and helping his friend to climb off.

    "Yes except I didn''t sleep haha for that crystal gas I was exposed to has kept me wired all night long," laughed Ned, holding out his hands next to the crackling fire.

    He shook his body out trying to wake his feet that had fallen asleep.

    "I knew you would be back, Ned. I found a dead body near the tracks I want you to inspect, a knight,¡± said Fred in a monotone voice, with a heavy frown locked into place long before he had stumbled upon the latest scene of violence that was adding to a lot to handle.

    The wizard twitched and tweaked pacing around the camp while the rest of the party were growing tired. He circled Fred and started whispering into his ear again.

    "You must take me to the body quickly," he told him.

    ¡°Ned, follow me will show you it ain''t far from here," sighed Jed, who had been eavesdropping.

    "Take the meat stick from me,¡± said Fred, handing over the fowl charred to the knight sitting next to him at the campfire.

    Ned rode his stead until he was forced to dismount due to low clearance of the off beaten path. He held the flickering light following Fred and Jed on a path of wild grass besides cattails. The soggy bottom of a nearby bog close to the field threatened to eat their boots, and the beasts hooves. The trees had long died from the bog over moisturizing their roots. A row of crows had gathered on dead branches. They began to descend the exposed roots near a small pond on the last small hill of three. At the edge of darkness a body sprawled in armor, with its head submerged in the water.

    "A dead knight all the way out here, and not one of us," said Fred, pointing.

    "Must have gotten lost on the way to the battle at dwarf mountain, and fallen off the steed when they hit mud at too high a speed," said Ned, dismounting.

    ¡°No, I''m afraid her chest has been cut awash with wounds, many stabs going straight through the armor into the breast, no doubt something that was done by a blade composed of sharp crystal,¡± said Jed.

    ¡°A very interesting case we have here,¡± said Ned, He took out a sketchpad beginning on his latest project under the candle lantern held by his donkey, nearing for a closer inspection of the crime scene.

    ¡°Yes, a death that is most peculiar," stated Fred.

    "So much experience in matters of war and yet still dead in the end," grunted Ned, pausing his artwork.

    ¡°Closer, we need more vision¡± said Ned beckoning over his shoulder.

    Fred took the lamp in his trembling arms but stood far back to avoid getting his feet wet.

    Ned latched onto the body. Jed joined him in trying to fish out the dead from the brown waters full of sediment. They tried lugging it together, but it was a slow job weighed by carrying the fully armored body stuck in the mud.

    Finally they tied a rope around the neck attached to the donkey that easily pulled it out. The dead were dumped into the dry grass. Fred¡¯s light shook fiercely as he approached them until Jed untied the corpse.

    "Did any of you take the helmet off, and put it back on?" Ned asked.

    "No," the men said, shaking their heads in the dim light.You could be reading stolen content. Head to the original site for the genuine story.

    The crickets played tunes into the dark sky that surrounded them.

    "Fair enough," said Ned.

    He bent and struggled to pull off the dead¡¯s helmet.

    "Wow this thing is really stuck on."

    The other two men nodded many times in agreement until a squishy pop as the helmet popped off the waterlogged head of the dead. The corpse had long black hair, with thick black eyeliner, lipstick, make-up and a featured sharp choker around her neck with the edge tipped spikes in it made of zombie crystal.

    "A full blown necromancer witch" gasped Fred.

    "Makes sense she was murdered and then dumped instead of the never before seen phenomenon of a witch drowning," declared the wizard.

    "A sound theory here maybe but look at her breastplate is the royal crest of a knight from the empire" said Jed.

    "Both a witch, and a knight at once. Gulp," said Fred.

    "Not possible for such a thing, she conjured the crests on the armor as a replica. Looks like it''s really Elf constructed which no knight would ever have.. Must have been on some scheme that got her killed," said Ned, fist above his chin thinking.

    "Sound theory again wizard, but we better keep this body hidden and give it a proper burial by morning tomorrow to avoid tricks, or being bitten by zombies,¡± said Jed.

    "Stand behind me I have a much better plan. I will bring her back from the brink with a new experiment," said Ned.

    "Zombie shards defile a corpse in my opinion with how brainless they become on resuscitation," said Jed, frowning.

    Fred looked away blankly into the jungle night as a monkey howled.

    "Nonsense the cadaver is still fresh, look at those rosy cheeks under her foundation. Besides boys, this new combination of crystals I have made in my lab, a fusion of two melted together, is much different than a plain zombie. Nope I''ve combed zombies, Farc teleportation, and even ground in some of my healing swords," said Ned, hunting through his animal''s saddlebags.

    "Your call I guess, but I don''t want to fight an army of the dead tonight," Jed hollered.

    "When I stab her, she will be teleported to the core which may fix the issues found when only using zombie crystal, nothing like it brought back from the brink before. This is the only chance we probably have of ever figuring out the killer," said Ned, removing things from hidden pockets of his robes as he searched.

    "I suppose if she has speech or memories we will see at once who the killer is," mumbled Fred.

    "This dead will always stay that way," said Jed, looking in the other direction.

    Ned removed his new technology flashing it to turned backs.

    "See guys I got it right here" he said before stabbing it directly into the dead eye.

    "POOF!"

    "So let me get this right, the wizard is gone yet again, took the deceased knight with him, but he left his donkey behind this time" said Uhla, eating a duck at the campfire.

    Jed, and Fred heated up his hands in the fire. The other soldiers sitting on logs munched away on grub.

    "Yup, and how long did it take us to return from our trip to the core do you remember? With this information we can guess when he will be back to fetch his animal" said Fred, feeding the donkey with a spoon out of one of the many cans of beans it had carried.

    "I don''t know if I like being dumped with another mouth to feed, but I suppose it can carry enough to make up for it," said Jed.

    "I feel much better, as the wizard said all my ailments have been removed. I have a brain that''s been deep cleaned, the blanket of dust growing inside my soul is gone, I am no longer plagued with crippling fear and anxiety" said Fred.

    "Hmm, a place of ice, snow, a bright full moon penetrating the lands at all hours,and crystals everywhere" said Uhla.

    "Yes, that''s just the spot. How did you guess?" Jed leaning forward. "Well it felt like an eternity stuck in a bad dream. I didn''t like it, the mind fuzz is just going away sobering from the experience" said Jed.

    "The Crazin tradition details the afterlife taking place in another compartment of the planet where the greatest warriors'' bodies will be frozen inside crystals preserved for when they are called on to defend the rest of the weaker spirits," said Uhla.

    "Fascinating" said the other soldiers together.

    "Lightning strikes whenever they are working overtime," explained the heavily tattooed warrior.

    Ned hung onto Nancy as they traveled through time and space. They fell forever and through the box of the sky entering the core. The corpse''s head began to rotate midair while clicking in the wind.

    "AAAA" he screamed free-falling into a land of ice.

    They crashed and smashed into a snowbank breaking apart on impact. Ned went tumbling down a mountain. The inertia too much he fell hand over foot down smacking into small furs that slowed him grabbing at his garments. The full grown trees loomed ahead, he dodged a ledge the top of which was covered in icicles before he smashed into more brush. Ned dug his arms in, slowing himself down as he saw his feet approaching a sharp drop, a cliff edge.

    ¡°OOOOO¡± he looked down at a massive drop below.

    His arm jerked sore as it snagged onto a little tree, some roots already pulled out and more coming every second. He was hanging from a cliff edge. Ned slowly slipped himself around not looking at the drop. He began to climb the tree back up the steep incline one hand over each other, working himself back to safety. The wind whipped around the mountain blowing through a pass this cliff overlooked. Ned was blown side to side as the tree slowly pulled out by the roots. He kept on going, while not looking down at the ground.

    The wolves were howling, and his hands were already begging to numb from the cold. His head peaked over the ledge, while the rest of his body still dangled in the wind below a drop to the death. The core''s single moon shone blinding light at him.

    The edge of the cliff was covered in a topping of powdery snow. Ned tried grabbing at it, but he was smart to have held on to the tree. The last root breaking sounded as the tree began to plummet over the cliff edge and the wizard now found himself hanging from just his shoulders, dug into snow.

    Frantically he worked upwards with every motion of the wind threatening him. It was laborious but his body found the energy to hold on and keep climbing. He hit the top and rolled over to safety, a small ledge going back in a bit, the snow falling off the overhang instead of entering within. The cavity had some snow, but it would have been blown in, as some did now as Ned entered.

    Things were very cold in the core. Ned scrambled looking through the hundred or so pockets of his wizard robe to find the crystal he was looking for. At last magma crystals were in hand, but what about the starter? It was another scramble, until he remembered to calm himself and breathe each breath as they came to him. The pocket where he usually kept the flint was empty except for a gathering of lint. Time was ticking in the arctic with no gloves on his hands.

    Ned was up jumping around doing jacks as his eyes scanned. A pile of stones, and more strewn all over the floor. He picked through the pile until he found the best he could figure and got back to his magma smacking the rocks together.

    ¡°C¡¯mon, c¡¯mon, c¡¯mon¡± said Ned.

    ¡°Smack, smack, clack, clack¡± said the rocks smacking and tiny sparks emitting off them.

    ¡°Wooosh!¡±

    The magma lit up a block of hot as Ned dropped it and stuck his hands down above it.

    ¡°Aaaah¡± he said, his heart warmed with heat, and the knowledge that he had not died yet today.

    Ned dropped his body on a sprawl onto frosted granite.

    His vision blurred back, his limbs were burning, the magma still alive in front of him the whole time he had slept. Thunder as lightning cracked in the sky outside, what sounded like monkeys took up howling, it could not be mistaken that it was hundreds of animals fighting over something no matter the variety; perhaps it was over a single scrap of food. Who knows why anything would have the purpose to fight and die here with so many crystals everywhere. I suppose that is the main difference between animals and I thought Ned to himself inspecting and taking some small crystals of all different varieties, stuffing them into his pockets.

    Lighting sparked again, and the wind blew a full gust into the cavity, ripping into eardrums. A figure cloaked in armor stood at the entrance as thunder boomed beside it.

    ¡°ZAAAAP!¡±

    The lightning came into contact with the metal armor electrifying the figure. It smelled of burnt flesh as the zombie lurched forward towards Ned, and he jumped back. Her armor was blackened, her hair was soot, and her face was shrunk, wrinkled or ripped off from the frost and flame.

    ¡°Do you have a name?¡± asked the wizard.

    ¡°Nancy,¡± stated the deceased.

    ¡°Can you tell me your killer?¡±

    ¡°Prince Edward Longbottom, he is a killer and cannibal who has rampaged all over the kingdom killing millions and eating thousands all covered over by the crown, I will have my revenge ending his life with what little reincarnation I have here¡± she said.

    ¡°Now I do not know this man or how bad of a sadist he truly is at heart, but with my short military career so far morally I''ve got a lot of things I could be doing better, but I believe you should journey with me and the soldiers at once where you will present the account of your own murder to the council of the kings court, and the prince will be sent to the dungeon after for sure,¡± said Ned, inching a bit closer to rewarm his hands.

    ¡°I will kill him myself; a corpse doesn¡¯t have time for those things,¡± said Nancy¡¯s zombie going back out where it rested back on the entrance wall.

    "I am a pacifist, I cannot put my stamp of approval on any of your plans for the murdering of murderers, I have my own ideas about justice, only once we have given it an honest try first in the courts," said the wizard.

    At the same time in a land on the other side of Tenare the elves were celebrating, especially the executives on top of the pyramid. The crystal stock was amassing faster than ever anticipated. The slave mines had tripled output this season. It came with much death, which created harder working slave zombies. There was always more to do for boss Elf no matter your status.

    Their recent success was secretly under the table. The crystals had started to flow from the center of the planet. The elves already scouted it last year when they had found a way to harness the power of teleportation to bring things back.

    The Elves had the best scientists, and they had worked long and hard hours to harness the power of every kind of crystal. Several seasons ago the number of known crystals had only been 10 but now it was 12. Some of the lesser designs had been sold for even more crystals to the human empire: those idiots only ever seemed to mess with Magma. Nobody except the Elves would ever harness the power of mass teleportation, or any of their other advanced technology only they had access to. The rules on sharing things were very strict and only done in the pursuit of amassing more in the end. The rules are engraved in the stone on every street by the Elvin high council who usually govern from the top of the pyramid, but not tonight.

    "How are you today, senior elf?" said the servant as more were taking bags inside the hotel at once.

    T.I.B got out of a carriage and strutted over to the lakeside in a business suit constructed of crystal fiberglass. They reached the point where six executive elves had gathered. A traditional Elven airship of wood carving was sailing right by as everyone gawked. Fresh cedar bark, sap, armored scales on the weakest parts of the hull, and science to power her engines forward with crystal.

    "There you are," said the oldest elf of the group.

    They put an arm on the last to join back as they formed a circle at the end of the path by the river.

    "Ok I brought you all out here for a reason, the pair of you can come out now," said the elder.

    Two heads half human, and half fish stuck themselves out from the water with a splash.

    "Ahh nice to meet you, looks to be a nice pair of bootlickers you''ve got there," said T.I.B (short for Them Investigative Brains).

    An elder Elf snapped their bony fingers loudly several times in a row.

    "Servants get these fish some food to feast, I wouldn''t want them to be hungry when they tell the investigator here all about the latest news from the planet."

    "The human king''s death sure has been swell for us huh guys," laughed the top of the hierarchy elf executive, standing above in the highest heels.

    "Bootlickers tell us all the latest gossip about this damaged prince who wishes to take over the business from his mother."

    The rest of the Elves bowed praying for the best gossip by staring into the three great balls of fire on the horizon.

 14: All the Gold

    Despite controlling the banks, hidden vaults, and even most of the offshore dungeons, the leprechauns were not allowed to keep any crystals for themselves. A long time ago the elves had convinced a paranoid mankind that there was the potential in the future for the innocent green guys to pull strings and yank levers plundering fortunes from underneath a backdoor they would dig into their own apparatus. It was after this concocted revelation that it was decided by a joint committee of the two races that the leprechauns would become neutral having a special status. So thereafter they became forced into a life of accounting for crystal currencies at the royal banks that the crown took over through threats.

    It had been a common thought in leprechaun circles that regardless of whether individuals wanted the life or not a good one would only come to those who did their assigned tasks. An inevitable destiny set for each since the first and only grade of their mandated schooling. A place where one got the best government job according to who the educator best favored. For every generation of leprechaun their freedoms had been lowered with careful tricks. These days most were only paid in housing, and food.

    There were some stories of little leprechaun troublemakers ungrateful with their opportunities. Instead they would rebel by running off deep in the woods with their instruments, escaping into the life of a traveling band of woodland creatures touring. It might have been a pitiful and humiliating existence having little food, but perhaps it was better to some to live free under the stars than life working around toxic currency that rotted away minds. Their only other option was crime.

    Meanwhile Mickey walked down the dirty cobble side street under a bridge entering Leprechaun town. The gold that had once flowed onto these streets back in the legendary days was long gone. It had dried well up before he was born. The pub was abandoned dark and boarded up windows, and the street lamps were busted. The drinking taps had been shut off at the watering spouts, and the restaurant was deserted. The horses would have been thirsty if they hadn''t already been eaten for food.

    ¡°Hey there Ratom my good luck charm,¡± said Mickey, starting to wind up his best attempt at the green salute.

    ¡°You know me well brother dressed green for life,¡± said Ratom.

    He began performing a goofy green salute in his sloppy patched second hand clothes before letting his guard down with a laugh. Next he initiated the secret green handshake that had practiced since birth which finished with a simple fist bump.

    "Alright let''s get to task!"

    They got off the street into the dark shadows cast by a housing complex bent in the center. Stepping into a backyard overgrown with weeds, thorns, and acorns. The path headed uphill through more uneven soil and trash, and the rusted fence buried underneath. At about half way to the top they ducked underneath a straw ceiling. Their feet squished against the muddy floor sucking them down into something that stunk. The wood door that they had both lifted slammed down behind them shut. One''s thumb was injured in the blast zone.

    ¡°Yow that hurt!" cried Mickey, his voice growing angrier without light.

    "Hold on, let me get the light," said Ratom, feeling around.

    Something knocked over that sounded like a drum full of liquid. A cow let out a moo. Finally a string was pulled and a faint light illuminated them.

    "You took us to the wrong address," Mickey spit after almost gagging from the stink.

    "Oops," the other chuckled.

    "This is a cow farm, and not our uncle''s garage," said Mickey.

    "Alright chill man, hear me out, it''s too important to become distracted right now," said the other adjusting his corncob.

    "Don''t smoke that farcing thing in here Ratom it''s already bad enough," sputtered Mickey, sounding funny due to pinching his nose closed.

    "Strange things are happening with the royal family. An internal purge rumored to be taking place with the brats killing each other again," began Ratom.

    "That''s what happens when you breed like a colony of ants, I bet the Queen could fit a 40 foot boat up her coochie," laughed Mickey.

    "Yeah okay. HEY THIS IS IMPORTANT. All us leprechauns need to be sticking together like super glue. We also must eliminate our proximity to crystals as much as possible, as we have already been overexposed to their radioactive properties. You understand?¡± barked Ratom.

    ¡°Look man, the crystals aren''t all that bad, they provide so much power to our society that makes up for most of the bad, but you are right about some of your ideas man. I''ve read most of your essays,"

    "Yes sure but we need to start scheming just like the rest in order to get a better life for ourselves. Again those crystals they force on us are toxic. I know that they emit some kind of gas from within that slowly destroys the soul, eating it away slowly as the body begins to scale over. I have concrete evidence of this, and we are the ones forced to take on the burden for everyone else.¡± said Ratom.

    "We agree there is some kind of hidden cost at play here. A secret curse to these crystals we haven¡¯t yet fully figured out that could be very costly. I''ve also heard plenty of rumors through the grapevine of other royal mishaps, and more gossip about the King dying of STDs, hehehe," laughed Mickey.

    "Aye," said Ratom, but the way he looked at the other didn''t have the same confidence in him listening.

    He lifted the door open and the two stepped outside.

    "Get the light thanks,".

    They walked back down the street and stamped their shoes clean on the sidewalk.

    ¡°What If it''s a civil war we lose no matter who wins?" asked Mickey.

    "We are going to be getting out of here soon if things keep going the way they are. The whole neighborhood is already packed to move, we all feel it brewing in the air¡± warned Ratom.

    "Or because they were forcefully relocated without the currency to make rent anyway," said Mickey.

    They arrived beside a metal can. The dancing light crystal within beckoned with a static crackle as it slowly drained. It would take 500 years for it to fully stop, and so in the daylight hours, or when it wasn''t wanted it lay shuddered.

    "Show me your wrist Mick," said Ratom, throwing his arm over the light crystal.

    Mickey joined in holding up his hands for warmth. The light shone right through to the other side of flesh exposing health secrets. He looked away as he raised an arm loosely which started up the inspection turning it over and folding the sleeve back until it was cleared. The process was repeated until one leprechaun brought down his face for closer look, alarmed.

    "Your body has already formed another small scale that makes three, brother time is running out. So stay off the streets as much as possible please if you want to still make the rainbow in the end," warned Ratom, with a wagging finger.

    "I know we''ve had this same kinda talk before, but thanks for the heads up," groaned Mickey, cracking his back.

    The figures cloaked in green crunched along the disintegrating sidewalks past each dwelling. The buildings in this part of the ghetto were newer and slapped together unevenly with small hands of clay forming rough apartments. A crawl hole entrance branched into each building that had no windows. Hung far above it all was a dilapidated billboard painted with a brown rainbow and featuring a massive rusted pot devoid of gold to mock them.

    "I''m just trying to look out for you, that''s all," said Ratom.

    The few torches bolted to buildings flickered as the wind whistled through snuffing another out. Here dark shadows casted thick outlines on a dim background. The two reached the house on the end of the block and walked up the steps past an overgrown garden that had expired. The vines climbed in rot to the boarded top floor windows. They began knocking on the door until another leprechaun appeared.

    "What do you want?" It asked, after opening a slit.

    "We are here for the before-party," said Mickey.

    "Right, you missed it all, sorry," announced the bouncer.

    "Come on mate, all the lanterns are turned up, I can hear the voices inside and music," said Ratom, protesting with finger pointed behind the half-opened entrance.

    "Alright.. Well the truth is you two are banned from the action tonight. You see your presence offends our highest roller, and we want his gold," announced the bouncer stamping down his foot on the other side like a judge''s gavel, and slammed the opening closed.

    "Alright mate, have it your way," said Mickey.

    He left back down the short path to the street, and Ratom followed. The two walked into a back alley cluttered with trash before coming to the back of the house. A burrow below with a large oak door latched up high. One jumped three times trying to open the door, his hand grazing against it once slightly. The other was running in the garden looking for something to stand himself on in order to gain entrance.

    "Smack" he collided with a gnome standing still on guard out in the garden.

    Both were knocked over and scattered like a pair of dice, one breaking the fall with a flower.

    "Who goes there?" yelled the short sighted gnome in response.

    He rang a cow bell fastened to his collar, sounding the alarm. Mickey ran back out of the garden, as dogs began to bark from somewhere in the dark night. Ratom was still jumping up with his arm outstretched as Micky burst out of a bush.

    "What are we doing apart? Common let''s work as a team together and boost each other," said Mickey.

    He got down on his hands and knees on the topsoil. The gnome was running around the lawn madly ringing his bell. One leprechaun climbed onto the others back before jumping up and grabbing the latch at last. Several gnomes dashed around the bend; there was no presence to be seen. The guardian lawn ornaments continued to dumbly beat on their bells sounding the alarm. The acting neighborhood watch who slowly walked back to guard it.The narrative has been illicitly obtained; should you discover it on Amazon, report the violation.

    A small candle would faintly dim with metal shade inside a room of rusting gardening equipment. The floor a pool of fertilizer spilled among bottles of liquid, the bags ripped open and half filled.

    "Did you bring the heisting supplies, where''s the duffel bag?" Whispered Mickey lowering the candle under metal beams that held pots full of dead soil and sticks brought in for the winter.

    The other removed a brown cloth bag from his shirt, from that a shovel, a jar of pickles and some green apples.

    Mickey nodded "time to do this the old-fashioned way I''ll take the first shift," he said digging into the soft soil below.

    Ratom sat on a stack of several flowerpots turned upside down. His hands strained trying to open the jar of canned peaches, but he eventually settled for an apple to snack on.

    "Get up man, it''s time to start your shift," whispered one leprechaun, shaking another.

    Mickey tossed Ratom like an old maid hitting a rug outdoors.

    "Hmmm school can wait mom," mumbled Ratom.

    "This calls for emergency measures," said Mickey, starting up the process of a wet willy.

    Ratom smacked away the wet fingers and threatened a punch.

    "What''s the meaning of this.." he groaned, stretching by touching his toes.

    "Shh keep it down," Mickey whispered.

    The other grumbled something fierce climbing from his makeshift nest among the gardening supplies. The candle stub waiting for him cast a small flame onto Mickey making him look evil. Ratom yawned while cleaning his eyes of the debris they had accumulated. Next he turned to inspect the progress that had been made on the tunnel while he was dreaming.

    "You need to start setting posts down there Mickey you''re damn lucky you made it so far alive to tell the tale," he scolded.

    "As I see it I''m younger and more strapping. I figured I''d do most of the digging, while you handle the fine carpentry," responded Mickey, nervously glancing away at the shadows.

    "As you see it until you''re buried permanently in a collapse," shouted Ratom.

    Mickey shoved the dirty shovel into the ground, and began climbing onto bags of compost. The words seemed to go in one ear and out the other.

    "Shh I''m trying to sleep, I did my part," he hissed back, continuing to mumble after zipping himself away inside the sleeping bag.

    "Alright keep doing it your way and that''s gonna double as a body bag," mumbled Ratom, crouching to enter the small tunnel.

    The cramped crawl space of the project they had been working on for several days now could only fit smaller critters like them, dwarves, or groundhogs. Ratom shrugged in defeat having given up at his latest effort to try to help his family not die off from stupidity. He pawed through the pile of dirt where he found the sack that had been buried over. He took it out and shook the fabric off of dust, before removing a hammer and nails freshly forged by the smith in Leprechaun alley that morning. Next from the bag the tunnel boards cut per their order, bundle of fresh old school candles, and free wood scraps they had thrown in.

    The candle went into his mining hat he lit with a click of flint. He nailed two boards to one board along opposite corners, then gently guided them a short distance into the tunnel, nailing some more. The process was repeated deeper into the dig until everything was secure.

    ¡°Hum hmm hum,¡± hummed clapping his hands caked in stuck on soil together.

    He was heading back into the shed for fresher air, and supper. As he climbed from the hole something in the garden outside began to move. He froze in place. The floor began to shake and dust fell from the ceiling. The tools hooked to the wall bounced threatening to rain sharp points below.

    He dove out of the way as a pair of hedge clippers fell off at the end of their hook, injecting a swarm of butterflies directly into Ratom''s stomach. The bass dropped as club music reverberated from the depths below. One compost bag was impaled with a dozen tools. Whatever lurked outside loudly snorted leaving the area. The snoring continued in the nest.

    The mind had to be pretty numb to enjoy any of this backbreaking work Mickey thought to himself while taking another break. He had been digging away again in the claustrophobic tunnel for a good hour after shift had turned over. The air was almost as stale as what he could register of the ancient club hits, vision poorer, and his stomach rumbling. A tightening of the chest, and gasping at the burning throat. His shovel removed scoop after scoop of soil following instructions downwards at an angle printed on the blueprints they had paid almost everything to acquire.

    Mickey journeyed it back to the miniature wheelbarrow they were borrowing. He hated wearing an air crystal mask on account of the taste, the straps, and being a quarter of his weight. It was only really used when signs indicated that he was about to die. The mask hung from the beam by the cart. He put it on for some deep breaths before he went back in without it on. Some more was dug out of the tunnel. Progress was slow, and the heat would have been unbearable if not knowing he would never work anything but a schlock tab again after this. If calculations were correct Ratom would be the one to break ground in the vault tomorrow on his third shift of digging.Then they would have all the gold they could carry.

    "Alright Ratom, it''s your turn to shovel" said one leprechaun tussling the other back to action.

    "Sure enough boss" he said, going into his stretching ritual before labor.

    Mickey laid onto the overturned plant pots exhausted.

    "Sweet dreams champion" he said to himself thinking of the gold that they would soon heist come morning.

    Ratom began to cart a full load of dirt below while even lower down an underground a cavern party raged. It was a place where anything goes, and schlock was legal. The intoxicants flowed as if water in a fountain in the center while loots, fiddles, and trumpets played interlaced in the dubstep.

    ¡°Unfortunately I have to announce that Prince Edward Longbottom will not be playing tonight with his band,¡± said Dick Richard, enjoying an aged schlock in the backroom through a straw installed into his knight''s helmet.

    He was sitting at a loaded table with an Elf executive. The entire room was covered in crystals and bricks of gold stacked around the walls. Another Elf sat as far away in the cramped vault quarters watching the shifting through of bricks while mentally tallying every last one. The henchmen were re-stacking them onto an industrial moving cart.

    ¡°K why did he even send a messenger.. is this just to offend me?¡± asked the highest Elf executive, playing with their fancy business chair also on wheels.

    The two lizard guards hissed behind to drive their point home.

    ¡°He''s looking for a certain sort of crystal, and knows you have the connections to find them,¡± said Dick Richard, folding his arms on the table.

    ¡°I think I can guess which hoo ho and you will pay pretty just like your little brother¡± said the Eleven executive with a smile.

    ¡°Let''s make a deal, a trade of goods" said Dick.

    "I''m listening," responded the Elf.

    "We have an entire shipment of the ultra rare cracked version from the Dwarves to trade with you. I¡¯m sure you''re aware whatever process of alchemy they apply to the rock infuses them with special powers no one else can produce on the planet ¡± said the Knight through a protective crystal face covering his identity, however Dick Richard still had full transparency of the other side.

    ¡°We can produce those better, and more pure with our machines and goblin labor, a lot of things you humans don¡¯t know about because we like to keep you in the dark¡± said the Elf.

    ¡°Hey look here, how about just a little deal for some of those teleports?¡± said Dick.

    ¡°Farc your boss for canceling on our boss. I want the location of where the Queen stores the shlock stolen from her own people after her husband built the very factories that made it. That is all.¡± said the Elf, making a dismissive swift hand motion.

    Dick Richard was escorted out of the room by a lizard who dashed any plans of the knight staying for the party. He was bounced out by a remarkably long tongue attached, escorting him into an elevator heading up. The tongue snapped and with one move of the muscle the creature threw the knight out on the street with the trash. He went sailing through the air before smacking into a building, and then splashing into a bin of human sewage. His armor was ruined.

    Back at royal headquarters sparks flew into Prince Edward''s focused face on the throne.

    ¡°Scrape, scrape, scrape¡± went his hook sharpening on a whetstone.

    Prince Edward would be king soon once he plotted everything meticulously. He hadn¡¯t decided what to do with his mother yet, and she hadn¡¯t returned from where she had run. He had his own assassin who was primed to hunt, and kill the queen at his command should he feel like giving it. She would deserve it if he found definitive proof she had ordered the hit on his favorite lover. Nancy was however dead 100 percent, his most trusted scout had confirmed it yesterday morning.

    So he sat, and waited on his little network of birds focused on a single objective to find him teleportation crystals at any cost. He had been reading nonstop about the core. It made sense with his crystal addiction. Well could something so commonplace in society really be an addiction. It was so similar to breathing air, that in fact sometimes that''s exactly what it was. A natural way of living better in moderation just like cannibalism.

    The door burst open and someone entered while smelling of shit.

    ¡°King, there''s elves there at the illegal fountain of schlock, but they have what we are looking for. I was able to confirm the teleportation building blocks with my very eyes¡± said the knight,trying to do the blue salute.

    ¡°Very good Dick Richard I will ready the troops at once, but before I do I will again thank you for taking what I said about finding me those crystals at any cost to heart¡± said Edward as he pranced out.

    A fountain of schlock was just an added bonus for the palace when he got back from the honeymoon postponed to the ire of the few prostitutes that he had already eaten in the meantime. Snaggy was waiting at attention just outside in the hallway. The Jester jumped in fear as the Prince exited.

    ¡°Deliver a first message to the army at once fool¡± Edward commanded.

    ¡°Actually the army is still under your mothers name technically, but I will round you up a group of paid soldiers with swords. I will at once, sir, how many men do you desire?¡± asked Snaggy, bowing.

    ¡°One hundred and fifty men and many big guns from the armory. Send them as soon as possible to the neighborhood where the crystal-less leprechauns supposedly live, the massive mansion on the end of one block you can''t miss, a residence where many crimes against nature and the crown take place,¡± said the Prince.

    ¡°At once your majesty¡± said Snaggy red saluting.

    He was diving to action, before Prince Edward stopped him with an extended hook close as a hair length.

    ¡°Call me king,¡± said Edward.

    ¡°Yes at once King Edward prince of crystal music¡± said Snaggy.

    ¡°The only title of mine is king now fool! I am a man now, I can¡¯t be bothered with the pointless arts anymore¡± said Edward.

    ¡°Yes king¡± said Snaggy running off to give orders.

    The jester jumped off the castle wall, his arms grabbing onto a nearby tree branch as he swung to another getting closer to the ground. He would find men to give his masters orders out before noon. He sprung onto the grounds on a pile of leaves, and then sprinted forward. As his body was in motion Snaggy''s mind considered all his possible contacts that could be utilized in organizing a task force for the crown on short notice.

    ¡°It''s your turn to dig again,¡± said one leprechaun, shaking another awake.

    ¡°This time the charm Mickey I can feel in my bones¡± said Ratom getting an apple out of his sack and chomping down.

    Mickey curled himself over onto his stomach trying to relieve some of the pains from his back. He cradled it with what he could reach from his arms dreaming of all the gold. Ratom lit another small candle from his sack and put it on his head. Their tunnel had grown steps of wood leading down, down, down. There was no way anything could be buried this low. The only reason he would dig this shift is because they both had already invested so much. This project had a lot of risk to both their bodies sunk into this endeavor. The sinking feeling intensified with every dig. What if they had been scammed with a fake blueprint.

    ¡°I''ll dig all night, and then if nothing tells him it''s all over in the morning,¡± the dust-caked leprechaun said to himself.

    As he was digging away with all his effort, the prince''s new gang had formed and they rode into the Leprechaun neighborhood. Due to city regulations it was a convoy of horses, big land-birds, donkeys and mules pulling carts of big guns from the royal locker.

    ¡°BOOOM!¡±

    The front of the upstairs mansion had a holes was blown to bits in an instant. Cannon, after cannon shot exploding into the residence, and flattening anything behind for good measure. Elves and their mercenaries dove for cover underground as the crowd that had gathered for the schlock froze realizing they were trapped.

    Meanwhile Ratom''s foot was slipping away from him. His leg sucked into the quicksand after the floor of where he had just been digging gave out. He reached his arms out in desperate attempt to cling to something but nothing was holding in the slide.

    "Ooof," he sputtered as his head was pulled under.

    The leprechaun lay unconscious from the fall. His head had hit on a stack of gold bricks stacked in the empty room.

 15: Unlucky Charm

    Seven carriages loaded with cannons continuously fired into the collapsed ruble over-killing the building. The nearby automatic guns went through hundreds of rounds of ammunition. The Elf hideout underground in Leprechaun town was no longer hidden. The neighborhood was smoked by one devastating punch of lead after another hitting marks. Many of the formerly identical block houses could be easily told apart by the level of being leveled.

    The soldiers quickly reloaded stuffing in powder, paper, and cannonballs made of crystal like well oiled machines. More waited just on the sidelines primed to spark another spark. A leprechaun who lost everything popped out of his flattened house with a shotgun.

    "Bang."

    A cannon''s crew of four was pelleted with buckshot.

    "BOOM!"

    Thee return fire completely eliminated the threat.

    "Crash"

    A fresh convoy of carriages smashed aside a gate. They rushed out an alley into the rubble littering the street. The reinforcements had just enough space to scrape paint inching past fallen light-posts. The horses in the rear of the approach were whipped straining to pull a heavily armored battle wagon set up with a magma-gun on top parking wedged in bumper to bumper.

    The new car entered onto their place on the street corner and began a fire while others shot rifles at the odd leprechaun survivor. The man inside his iron turret wound a lever turning the gun 12 rotating barrels shooting out flaming magma crystals. The liquid magma melted cobble seeping directly into the bricks of the wreckage melting more holes into the sewer. The cannons fired another round of shots smoking everything unlucky enough to be in their path.

    The street turned war-zone fell quiet. Soon interrupted by squeaking wheels whipping away in order to let additional troop transports enter Dogs began to bark, and things began to mechanically howl inside kennel transports. A chopper hovered in the sky with a spotlight exposed the wreckage. Lines of rope dangled from a drop-ship with elite shock Knights dropping in.

    Ratom woke from his slumber on the pile of gold. He lay sprawled out in the corner of an empty cold vault. He had fallen and smacked his noggin into the target while digging for it. Knocking him out mid heist.. And how long ago? He cradled his hurting temple and wondered if Mickey was still sleeping in the shed above their tunnel blissfully unaware. A rope was going to need to be dangled from above, and each brick tied lifted one by one. He rested his chin on his fist thinking if Mickey would have the best judgement on picking the best bucket they could tie and lift the gold to the ceiling.

    ¡°Creak!¡±

    The vault door let out a loud moan being forced open.

    ¡°Lets get it out of here quickly can''t open that door any faster¡± shrieked the elf outside.

    ¡°It¡¯s on hinges,¡± said a henchman standing at the ready.

    ¡°The executive has already flown the coop, and it''s bad business for me to be seen here either. I have to go, but remember you pawns do not cross us when it makes no logical sense to do so for you or your families¡± said the elf in the suit and tie leaving.

    The Executive Elf broke into a brisk speed-walking escape. On getting to the first roadblock they removed another key of crystal from the chain around the neck and inserted it into a door hidden in the backroom of the underground bar. They walked into an empty room with a vault door, and another for sewer access. They took out a pair of X-ray shades and quickly confirmed they had managed to save all the crystals just in time with a teleport. The Farcs type stored in the second sealed vault for trading purposes of course had the safety of being set up a remote teleport to safe-haven location button.

    Five gold bricks stored in their pockets with the sixth one left as a stop for the backdoor. The Executive entered the escape path dug connecting to the sewers uncharacteristically leaving the door open on the way out for subordinate Elf as a favor. It paid to be paranoid about choosing carefully which wrongdoing was financially worth doing to another Elf. As far as the smell goes, Elves have no noses, and thus one could hide in stinky areas for quite a while if it was a life or death situation. As long as the grime was washed off before the others could spot them and ruin the suit far more than any sewage slime could stain.

    Back in the gold vault there had been no magic button to transport the goods. So the lower ranked Elf supervised watching as an empty cart was filled with bricks by underlings. The gold transferring from the pallets was stacked high.

    A leprechaun intruder remained hidden in the opposite corner of the vault among the many stacks. He focused on hastily shoving brick after brick into his sack of fabric. He would have to escape somehow soon as the men left. He tried picking up the bag, but it was far too heavy. He ended up taking all but two out.

    Ratom''s eyes poked out from behind a stack of yellow. His body froze in panic when a man briefly glanced in his direction. The men worked hastily re-stacking bricks with precision of much practice. The Elf impatiently tapped their silk slipper checking an alien looking device strapped to their wrist.

    He needed to run soon, and surely they were too distracted. The entire vault shook chunks of soil from the squares above where it lay exposed. A torch next to the door fell out of its metal holder and rolled over.

    ¡°We are running out of time¡± said a man, hauling brick after brick over his head with his arms.This story is posted elsewhere by the author. Help them out by reading the authentic version.

    The henchmen began rolling the cart to the next section of brick stacked high. The underground area rumbled again sending individual bricks tumbling out from the stacks. As dirt from a collapse poured in, Ratom''s body was moving forward. In the chaos of the moment his instincts had no other options. The leprechaun''s feet moved along the path toward the exit on the opposite side of the soldiers. Underneath him could feel the bricks beginning to move under his weight.

    The room rumbled a final time with the last shot of the cannons. The wall the henchmen hastily picked from began to crumble apart before it quickly collapsed. The hits of bricks overpowered them before anyone had time to run. Ratom stood frozen while the stacks continued to be alive with downward momentum. He jumped to the next pallet as the one he had just stood on fell forward smacking atop a growing pile in the center. He jumped in the center and ran out the door. Everything but a pinky was stuck out.

    In the other room it was empty, but fighting could be heard emanating from the top of the stairwell. He ran to the backroom panicking, before finally noticing the secret exit propped open. Boy did it stink down here. He shoved the third bar of gold in the sack and struggled to slowly carry the load forward, until he started dragging. Micky was a pro at escaping. Ratom wasn''t worried at all about his brother. No way anyone could stay sleeping in that shed with all the cannons going. He had escaped to somewhere safe long ago for certain.

    Mickey was still far above in the garden shed sleeping. The gnomes had started ringing their bells late last night and he had engineered a pair of earmuffs to get himself some shut eyes. The city guard patrolled throughout the garden looking for anyone escaping with their lanterns, while others were led by dogs. Smoke, and dust from the building demolition drifted across blanketing the entire neighborhood. Burning industrial smog drifted in joining the sulfur smells.

    Something in the shed tickled his nose. Mickey coughed. Directly outside prince Edward stepped onto the blackened lawn from his royal carriage and horses that matched in color. A soldier stepped back from the approaching hook, and then so did another.

    ¡°Any crystals?¡± he barked looking around for somebody who had been in charge.

    ¡°No sire, just gold,¡± said a soldier.

    ¡°Any Elf?¡± he said.

    ¡°No, but plenty of criminals were captured including several leprechauns of course¡± said the soldier, finishing off his report with the blue salute.

    ¡°Very well, say hello to your new commanding knight..where is he?¡± said Edward.

    ¡°Yes sire¡± said Dick Richard, running out of the car.

    "I want them all tortured and find out if any of them know anything crystal connected" ordered Edward.

    They walked across the torn lawn to where a line of prisoners was being loaded onto a steel barred carriage.

    ¡°Destination the dungeon for you lot¡± laughed the soldier

    Another picked up Mickey and tossed him inside like a bag of flour. Prince Edward coughed as he walked beside them. Next he headed down the charred basement stairs leading to the underground schlock bar. At the bottom soldiers carried out tons of gold. A few bars of the precious metal deformed from melting crystals.

    ¡°Lotta gold and schlock we seized off this tip, biggest night of our year¡± bragged the chief of Capital City patrol.

    ¡°Gold is worthless leprechaun eye porn, it does nothing practical but be rare¡± said Edward frowning.

    All the men were silent, nobody felt like arguing with the hook today. Edward bent slurping away under the spilling fountain. The statue spout lay cracked in half, and toppled over into the dirty pool of schlock. He sighed before leaving. No teleportation crystals or Elves anywhere to be seen at this scene. His time had been royally wasted.

    "I am king so things will change. The positions of power underneath me will be held by ability, and loyalty which are the most important abilities found in servants. Blood relations are simply a social construct invented by the crown, and outdated entirely" noted Edward in his dairy.

    He locked the latch on the book composed of human leather, and locked it away with his other secrets in his safe. He walked to the table to grab his brother, and then dropped his severed head from top of the castle wall.

    "Splash" it said landing in the moat.

    An alligator swam and swam, before diving underneath the murky waters. It got closer to the floating head. Prince Edward dug his yellow crystal teeth into an arm recently severed by hook, and washed by hand. He stood in the window of his tower watching the other animal eat in the water.

    Edward imagined he was very self aware. He could tell that day by day he was getting closer to the crystals, feeding his warrior spirit with only crystal, and other spirits were producing great changes in the body, mind, and soul. The legend was true, and he would be it. Edward walked back to the table, setting his brother''s half eaten arm down. From around the kingdom the biggest harem ever assembled would gather to alternate between parties, orgies, pickle-ball, pony racing, and many more excursions for 100 days. It had already been set up by Snaggy and the Bootlickers.

    "Now with this diversion the search for the ever elusive means of teleportation. My ever longing lust for crystal, wormholes, and rock n roll will end when I do ha ha ha,¡± he was mono-logging to his hook again while whittling wood chips away from logs.

    Edward went to the cabinet and took out his dwarf pipe, and skull container with a dome cut. It was where he stored his finest ground special cracked crystals. The lid was smooth, and a struggle. The one problem with a hook for a hand was that it made everything human even more difficult for a man that had long struggled in that department.

    ¡°And the location my mother cowers away from the world alone goes on with absolutely no progress¡± he complained to himself.

    "Knock, knock knock"

    "Drat who is it now?" Said Edward, slicing a painting of a fruit bowl, and draping it over the human decor on the table.

    The thick door swung open, on the other side a small elderly woman. Her hair gray and balding in an area, blue veins popping into high visibility all over her leathery thin paper arms, and she hobbled bent on a cane.

    "I was called to do a personality test famous all over the planet, an analysis of ones closest of the twelve crystal types'' '' she whispered in a frail voice.

    "Oh goody I''ve been waiting weeks for you to come out here. Now how''s your eyes anyway need any help getting to the sofa" said Edward clapping excitedly.

    "Terrible" she said sniffing deeply in and wheezing out after crossing the threshold.

    "Somebody''s been cooking, but it smells like the chef doesn''t know the traditional dish" she said, frowning

    She started for the table feeling her way by bouncing the can back and forth in front of her.

    "I can assure you I have the best chefs straight from their homeland on my payroll," said the Prince.

    The pair cackled together in harmony.

    "Honey I''ve withered over this land longer than your empire, with those years of experience you learn how to cook" cackled the witch, sitting down as her arms began to search the tabletop. ¡°You see the Crazins are a different species. They don¡¯t have the same taste buds we do but man oh man can they cook our own a lot better than we can,'''' she finished.

 16: Run Through the Jungle

    Fred woke up sputtering alive, gasping for air, panicking. He quickly shielded his face with a flailing long sleeve to avoid being smothered by the cloud of incoming smoke. He cuffed somebody in the chaos. The victim of the accidental scuffle yelped tumbling over after being tripped.

    "What the Farc man," screamed a lower ranking officer, who had fallen over the log next to the fire they had sat on the night before.

    Later the smoldering ash of the campfire was raked over by the reinforced boots of Jed. Many of the others folded tarps, coiled ropes, and packed clothes into canvas bags. The single tent they still had was broken down for travel. Fred hid shyly behind the packed donkey as the man he had pushed over before angrily threw things in their place.

    The troops marched single file on the trail in the same well organized manner they had constantly drilled. Their faces remained relatively fresh despite being sunburned and wearing battle scarred uniforms. The early morning humidity coated everything in slimy dew. The blood sucking miniature bats had started to draw blood from a soldier who swatted them away almost taking another''s leg. Thankfully the bugs did not penetrate the cloth long sleeves or wide brimmed hats with face nets.

    The jungle birds continued singing mating songs, as did the monkeys. They had echoing off the valleys all night long with the sounds of non stop howling, swinging, and screeching. The campfire had cracked away as the party''s safety blanket, but in its absence tension between the party members began to fill the air. What must have been hours passed pushing through the horrendous humidity without any of the former platoon jokes to break the ice.

    ¡°15 minutes over. Pack it up soldiers!¡± yelled Jed.

    Many whined matching the squeaking protests of many a debris coated thread of a canteen cover.

    ¡°Think our wizard will ever return before we make it back to barracks?¡± Uhla asked, after clearing the path.

    A machete gripped in one of his massive blue tribal tattooed arms while the other casually held half of a coconut he sipped from while slashing. He had a bandana of runes protecting his head instead of a helmet, two swords sleeves strapped around his chest instead of a shirt, and wore sandals.

    ¡°We have only a limited supply of remaining clean water. A rescue for anyone lost from our unit will have to be made, but we have to survive for now," said Jed.

    Isn''t it funny that Jed was supposed to be the person ranked lowest in the hierarchy, but had risen to become an unlikely interim leader. Fred was a titled Knight, but seemed to carry a heavy burden of shame picked up from somewhere. Or maybe it was a different picture entirely going on his mind since the war started keeping him shy and not talking anymore.

    He wondered what would happen as soon as they returned home. Would they be forcefully returned to the previous madness called order of their knight, and servant professional relationship. Would Fred be given a cushy office job, and a bunch of medals or somehow be demoted for making an underling take on such a burden. The kingdom would rather live in a very rigid, and stubborn culture of nepotism promoting non-serious people lover the more qualified. It is what it is.

    Jed stood alone on the edge of the clearing on a hill. He slid his pants around his ankles and started pissing down the ravine. He further considered running somewhere safe from the unspoken toxic traditions, gossip, ass kissing, and divisions. A desert island with a waterfall that would wash away the defects holding him back from living in a utopia. A farm with crops and hogs was waiting on getting all missions accomplished. All this thinking, and worrying accomplished nothing in the real world. He ended at the last dribble droplet, zipped his pants and strode back onto the beaten path to catch up.

    ¡°HEE-HAW" brayed the donkey.

    ¡°There girl your wizard will return eventually I know It¡± said Fred.

    The donkey snorted, studying an outstretched hand full of food. Fred rubbed the creature''s soft ears before giving it a kiss on the neck. A few others standing in the background chuckled in amusement.

    Uhla had already cut the path ahead of them, and was heard further on chopping through the forest limbs and leaves. Some followed him with packed camping supplies on back, and swords out ready to attack. Fred held onto the lead line in front of him, taking the donkey with him in rear as the rest entered into the jungle first on their path back to the nearest civilization.

    ¡°When I get to town a round of schlock for each and everyone one of you¡± said a soldier.

    ¡°I''ll be buying a company of three for the night with my crystal coins: a woman, an elf, and a leprechaun,¡± responded his buddy.

    "Three things man can have a lot of fun with but never fully comprehend," laughed another.

    Fred walked behind silently observing the world with the animal that diligently followed him with the rope tied around its neck. The voices slowly increasing in volume must be coming from his head. It had sounded as if the trees were whispering sweet things for an eternity until the wind gusted in and the chanting started.Unauthorized use: this story is on Amazon without permission from the author. Report any sightings.

    ¡°MOOORAAAKAAA!¡± a Dwarf army screamed from somewhere unseen.

    ¡°What the fuck! Who let the donkey loose¡± yelled the soldier, no longer laughing after being trampled.

    The charging beast ran everyone off the cramped path forcing them to jump into a stream of sludge. The donkey bucked at those who tried take control causing disruption and confusion everywhere it ran. A soldier finally grabbed onto the short leash successfully.

    ¡°Got it¡± yelled the soldier triumphantly, showing them the reins.

    "Ahhh" he screamed, being dragged away.

    The donkey continued forward rampaging. Jed and Uhla ran back from the front that they had been spearheading.

    ¡°Where''s Fred? The beast is supposed to be his responsibility¡± said Jed. .

    ¡°I will take it on as my burden from now on if we can catch it¡± said Uhla.

    ¡°The soldier at the rear is sick with some sort of illness or just gone mad¡± said a voice running towards them somewhere in the forest.

    A soldier busted onto the path particularly disheveled with vines and leaves stuck all over his armor.

    ¡°Fred is in trouble, maybe his mind has gone mad¡± realized Jed out loud, his face becoming as pale as it could be while so burned from the sun.

    ¡°Step aside and clear the path!¡± yelled Uhla, taking the reins of the situation. "Get Fred under control.. I''ll get the mule," he yelled, sprinting after the donkey.

    "Roger," replied Jed, turning and running in the opposite direction.

    Branches ripped at his face as Jed went as fast as he could. He saw three people standing in a circle around something. One of them held a canteen on offer that went untouched. Fred sat in the middle of them unresponsive staring off 100 yards into the jungle.

    "What is wrong with drinking something?" the largest among them screamed, spitting at Fred in frustration.

    Another cuffed him across the forehead, knocking him over.

    "How do you like it now?"  asked the meanest looking soldier standing over.

    "No easy with him. Damn it clear away at once!" screamed Jed.

    Fred spit, and lashed towards the tormentors. At first they smirked gingerly, smacking, and slapping him gently at first but as the thrashing of the victim intensified things rapidly excited. Jed dove into the biggest soldier, pushing him to the ground. He was hauled on the ground and immediately slugged in the face. Jed fought back punching three times in rapid succession sending a tooth flying into the bushes.

    ¡°MAARAAKA¡± screamed Fred, convulsing as two piled on him.

    The madman began beating up the two soldiers while foaming at the mouth. His body blindly flailed around before going back for another round. A sword was loudly pulled out of its holder, and then another. Jed had the soldier on the ground laying still knocked unconscious mouth involuntarily hung open revealing the new gap.

    Jed dusted himself off and took out his sword facing the two.  One waved his blade while the other closed in with theirs pointed on Fred who had remained unarmed.

    ¡°He¡¯s mad. We are doing him a favor by putting him down like a dog and keeping ourselves safe," said the soldier, adjusting his sword in one arm, and stuffing his overhanging gut in with the other.

    "Who knows what he is capable of doing to us while we sleep and he has a freakout¡± called the other facing Fred.

    Jed''s sword began to tremble with his hands. The adrenaline dam had burst onto his nerves making him twitch in anticipation of what would happen next.

    "You both die if he is slain.. so be the punishment I receive," explained Jed.

    "Yeah," nonchalantly replied the big guy, raising his blade to deliver the killing blow.

    Fred smiled looking past the impending doom he seemed fated for into the horizon. He spotted clouds that resembled tortoises, hares, and kangaroos.  Jed and the second soldier stared each other down waiting for who would make the first move.

    "He''s my responsibility he will be restrained until we make it back to a castle not killed " said Jed.

    He rotated to look both opponents in the eyes. Neither looked impressed or even registered the suggestion. What they wanted to do had already been decided among the two.

    "MOOOORAAAAKAA!" cried Fred, his body twitching, pupils wide open with wild eyes.

    "I won''t serve with no freak!" the man lunged his sword directly at Fred, just missing the torso.

    Jed lunged at the one blocking him, and their swords connected bouncing off each other from inertia. The only damage done was wrists ringing out with arthritis. The other soldier slowly advanced on the unarmed target. He slashed again and successfully nicked Fred¡¯s leg.  His pant leg quickly filled with blood that seeped from the wound. Fred screamed looking all around him in confusion. The sword was pulled out from the ground it had sliced into for the finishing blow.

    Another man charged at this time.. Jed saw it coming and dove past the first sword, stabbing the guy behind them through the back. His blade extended out the other side red. The dead man gurgled and toppled over face first into the dirt. Jed drew back out his sword and yelled gibberish as loud as he could in a last ditch effort to distract.

    The soldier standing on the other side turned. He had panicked full blown black circles behind his eyes that now resembled Fred¡¯s. He barely held up his sword that shook on account of dead friends. The soldier ran away on the path to reinforcements, dropping his heavy weapon.

    Jed looked back over to where Fred had been. He was gone. Running off leaving him with an unconscious body, and another soldier he had just murdered.

    The jungle branches hit Jed''s sprinting body, and the thorns tore into his pants. A parrot watched him struggling forward to keep his run, eventually flapping its wings in flight. No time while being pursued to fully take in his surroundings, but he also needed to avoid pitfalls, predators, quicksand, and getting fully lost.

    Where had Fred run off to, and was he dying? Imagery of Fred dead in a ditch spurred him on as he removed his sword again. He angrily swung, attacking any vines, branches, or cocoons that stood in the way. The only trail he had to follow was tiny drops of blood scattered among the blowing leaves.

    Jed bent scanning the ground like a watch-light at a prison yard for clues to the other fugitives'' location. The trail had gone cold. No more blood!  Behind came the angry shouting of an army he would never serve again hunting for two traitors.

 17: Cold Souls

    The menacing calls of the monkeys hooted from the peanut gallery like a packed crowd at a stadium. Their shadows swing from branch to branch, leaping between trees above in numbers more than the naked eyes catch. The howling and shrieking in pitched screams of excitement drowned out everything else.

    Jed stumbled lost through the jungle. He fumbled over terrain he wasn¡¯t well suited for. A coconut smashed beside him as the chase and heckling from the other primates continued.

    The plan to find Fred¡¯s path and track him was closing. Things had escalated to the level an individual had to protect his own neck over anything else. Jed''s foot caught into a root and he fell tumbling slowly down a hill over and over. His legs over his head, and back twisted. His body spun down a hill unable to make heads or tales of where he would stop. He rolled fast enough to become like the speed puck did on ice when children hit it with reverse magnetic tipped poles.

    ¡°SPLASH!¡±

    Jed was soaked from head to foot. His mind took a second to catch its breath to recalibrate what had happened in an instant and was over. His body was definitely screwed up even worse.

    The water of the river was so dirty, murky, and full of particles dislodged it might as well have been gravy. He spit out a stream of green and purple algae that grew thick. Something reached from the dark wrapping at his ankles. The sound was muffled as he bubbled. Finally things made sense when he cleared rope from the wheel by hauled up the offending vines from underwater.

    Jed returned up for air breathing in gasps of the good stuff. He wasn¡¯t a Bootlicker or other fishy animal with gills, but he could sorta swim well enough to not drown. .

    The Jungle he drifted beside had gone quiet. Time to take a break from the heat. Jed relaxed, floating backwards gently downstream. The soothing sounds of the water running and birdsongs had replaced the troublemaking monkeys.

    He needed a bath bad, but the water was really dirty. Whatever it felt good enough for just a few more minutes of soaking. He thought of Fred in danger from the loss of blood, and things for his best friend were perilous. They were both surely being hunted by the others, and time was running out for even more reinforcements to be called into the hunt. Knowing how horrible his chances required at least one more minute of soaking before his body would cooperate.

    Finally Jed snapped into gear again. Mud on the shore engulfed his boots, sucking him in deep with each step. He bent down to apply a fresh layer to his face and arms like his father had always told him to stay cool in combat. Jed had a feeling he was almost out of the worst of it. Everything would shake out alright in the end.

    He stood in the tall grass where the treeline started. The intrusive thoughts dawned again that he was very lost and probably going to die alone in the jungle. He would become nothing more than a piece of food for the other animals. It could be fate waiting, but he wasn¡¯t about to tap out without fighting death first.

    A dark blanket of night engulfed the valley. The two moons remained hidden while the daytime birds had clocked out for the owls. A new rotation of nocturnal noise makers took over the rotation who peeped, hooted, and hollered. Jed laughed to himself knowing he was too stubborn to let anything break him. He walked back into the forest for another round of action.

    The breeze had increased and the temperature lowered substantially. A tree branch broke underfoot while arms held overhead. Jed was dangling high in the air off a tree branch. It was a steep enough fall to break bones. Jed did a slow pull-up straining, and giving everything to get higher. He lifted his neck over the bar. Finally his chest rolled the limbs before he used both arms to haul himself. The stars could be seen glistening above the tall tree rocked back and forth in the wind.

    Meanwhile far below the whips of the empire cracked in order to keep schedule. The slavers broke their backs to motivate the goblins below them. Hundreds of bodies forced to drag giant blocks of ice over hills and across a frozen wasteland. It had been cut in massive chunks with magma torch cutters from glaciers near the frozen oceans discovered in the center of the planet. Royal Road is the home of this novel. Visit there to read the original and support the author.

    ¡°Move it lazy goblins!" yelled the commander sitting above everyone as they pulled him.

    ¡°Yeah before we all turn hotter tempers from this cold,¡± yelled a foreman on a sled below.

    Additional Empire soldiers sped past on dog sleds. This path headed to where cabins, barracks, and a mess hall had been built and hot fires burned in stone. The soldiers cracked wisecracks with an increasing frequency. They were coming to the steepest incline on the route. A big hill, but a small mountain before the slaves would go for more and their shifts would end.

    At the peak Queen Elizabethy the 13th sat in her pure white throne room. Her newest castle under construction was going to be pure ice. The first government project she had ever been the sole architect would be nothing but perfect. The now dead king had many opinions that she respected when it came to running the kingdom. Now it was her turn to rule so she would expect no less than full devotion from the royal family.

    Queen Elizibethy strode out of the new throne room. She went into the adjacent quarters, and sat herself in front of the mirror.

    This place would be the new capital. An impenetrable fortress of crystal in a location safe from any enemy. An ideal lair to work remotely while controlling her empire that would soon span the entire planet. Everything was possible in the core with the ridonculous deposits of crystals laying around everywhere. And this was only what they had already discovered. The best part was the scouts were discovering more and more everyday. It was enough to where the empire would never run out again.

    Snaggy had tried to explain that currency of crystal would be devalued with the glut. The fool seemed to think they were a useless thing like gold except the shards had unlimited utilitarian uses. They would always be in demand forever (end of story). The Queen studied herself closer in the mirror. She had begun to wrinkle below her eyes, neck, and had dark spots. It turned out running a kingdom alone was stressful.

    "SNAGGY where are you?!" she cried.

    The jester came running into the open door.

    "Yes Queen," he cried, bowing.

    Elizibethy took out a container labeled crushed crystals and cracked it open. She began to rub the special mix over her face and more into her nose.

    "Any news from the kingdom again since you''re always being sent back there when I need you most?,¡± she said, scowling.

    Snaggy quivered.

    ¡°Part of me thinks you''ve figured out some teleport trick none of the rest of us know" she said going into interrogation mode.

    "No your majesty I figure I''m such a fool just being here offends the planet so much it keeps spitting me out, and sending me back early" he said.

    She turned, and crossed her legs, sticking one foot into his face.

    "That makes sense. Now I order you to start rubbing my feet, run and heat some water in the bucket, get the clippers, angle grinders for the worst skin, and prepare some foot masks" she commanded.

    ¡°Yes Ma¡¯am,¡± said the Jester, inspecting the cruel and unusual punishment he was ordered to do.

    Her feet were crusty enough to make a rat blush, and the nails hung out longer than cat claws. There were also stains and fungus showing between the piggies she started teasing him with. He wished one of most famous movie director, and Bootlickers in the kingdom was here to see what he really worshiped.

    Living across the frozen wasteland was Ned the wizard. He still sat in a cave by the roaring fire of burning shards of magma at his feet.

    ¡°Not much for talking but at least you can communicate¡± he spoke to the dead girl staring at him.

    She had been standing in the other corner without moving for hours.

    ¡°We must return for my revenge before I can sleep again,¡± she repeated in a monotone voice.

    ¡°Yeah of course I hope so too ha you would think we could just teleport back by using another crystal to do so, but after those experiments failed ahh,¡± he said sighing, as he threw away spent Farcs.

    ¡°I can wait an entirety,¡± she replied.

    ¡°Well I can¡¯t..seems like this is a place you choose to travel to, while it decides when you take the return trip¡± said Ned.

    Nancy nodded in agreement with the wizards theory. Unbeknownst to her many old memories, one of which she wished to assassinate weren''t far from their location.

    ¡°I really hate to ask favors but as soon as morning arrives, and the storm clears since you''re dead and all.. Would you mind trying to catch me some food out there women? I''m on my last donkey snack that I had in my pockets¡± said Ned

    The dead looked him over with lifeless eyes for a bit. Finally her frozen armor creaked into action and she headed for the exit.

    ¡°Wait! Don''t you have any self preservation.. you will be buried alive out there in that blizzard that is brewing.. Er you know what I mean by that figure of expression¡± said Ned pointing to the entrance of the cave.

    ¡°No, not really. This is a place where all you get is a single moon forever shining. No morning, midday, or afternoons ¡± she said walking outside.

    The snow continued to pile up in a land that appeared to never melt with a moon that seemed always full.

 18: Rock N Roll

    The bass hissed while a sharp hook was dragged slowly across the strings. The drums kicked in on a steady foot thump, as the rest of the band of cannibals took up their fiddles, keys, and a resonator guitar on the 12th bar joining in. The smoky ballroom air filled to capacity with their sinister sound.

    ¡°Too deep into my mind to realize I''m so ill. Try to stop us, we do whatever the feel, flying high and living like animals, ain''t never coming back from the death-trips baby, baby, okay,¡± Edward crooned with additional feedback screeching out the microphone.

    His bass had no paint remaining and most of the wood body had been cut up from strumming a deadly boogie jam. The rest of the band rocked out on stage without taking the spotlight. Soldiers kept the ever thirsty harem from rushing in too close for comfort looking for autographed body parts. The server poured free refills of schlock in the rear. The others in the crowd clapped along sometimes on time but helped the music flow all the same.

    Behind a curtain Yasham peeked her head out of the royal box. She was watching the action in the club from a safe distance sitting up high. She nervously stroked her hair hunting the crowd below for any problems.

    ¡°There you are sister,¡± a familiar voice said from behind.

    ¡°Ah Terra you made it how are you?¡± said Yasham, turning and climbing from the thick theater chair.

    She went to hug what looked like a pale and frail older woman covered in a robe several sizes too large. The loose fabric had rolled sleeves, and a capped hook pinning the back tightly closed.

    ¡°As wicked as ever, and you look very beautiful dear, although at the same time I fear much too innocent to survive the trials, tribulations, and rituals of marriage.¡± said Terra, frowning.

    She had wrinkles on wrinkles, her eyes were dull like dolls, but her long silver hair was the fountain of youth.

    ¡°Do you think my new husband will like my dress, is it enough for him?¡± asked Yasham, looking at the floor.

    ¡°Why it¡¯s perfect, and don''t beat yourself up, that''s what partners are for,¡± she said, reaching into her robe and searching around for something important.

    "I''ve got something important for you young lady. The chances are great that my expiration date will be drawn, and the curtain of life is closing soon..¡± She hesitated to take something out and her arms trembled until they got the courage to proceed. ¡°So here you are just like the one who gave it to me before," said Terra, presenting a small wrapped package pressed into the young''s hands.

    ¡°My mom said the same things about getting old, but it has to happen to us all eventually,¡± said Yasham, breaking physical contact.

    ¡°Make sure you open that before the honeymoon leaves for distant lands tonight dear,¡± said Terra.

    She slowly bowed before heading out the emergency exit.

    Yasham tucked the package away into the pocket of her dress. What a weird woman she thought. Why had Edward married somebody so old? He must have pity for the hag. He had such a big heart of crystal buried under his many layers of hardened emotional protection. The others couldn¡¯t see due to their lack of empathy unlike her who had so much it caused detrimental effects. They were best friends, and shared a special connection that none of the other harem members had.

    The crowd who had packed in from wall to wall roared with applause as the song faded away.

    ¡°Alright folks we are going to take five for a refreshment¡± Edward announced on the stage.

    He adjusted his collar and walked forward scanning the room with hawk eyes. A groupie took her shirt off for an autograph that the prince quickly obliged with a charcoal marker as a crew member hauled a barrel of schlock up onto the stage before rolling it back behind the red silk curtain backstage for the band''s consumption. Roger laughed as he smacked the spout off with a spare instrument. Cap was already on his hands and needed to guzzle down the foaming brown liquid that burned at the throat before he was pulled off for another turn.The story has been illicitly taken; should you find it on Amazon, report the infringement.

    ¡°Who¡¯s ready to party!¡± said Edward, arms outstretched.

    ¡°this will be the biggest night of the year ha ha¡± said Cap.

    ¡°For sure,¡± said Roger fist bumping.

    Yasham smiled while playing with her hands that she kept close to her stomach. The prince approached, his eyes hungered with an overpowering lust that both frightened and entranced her.

    ¡°Love how are you tonight?¡± he asked, drawing in close and taking her hand with his other arm hidden behind his back.

    Yasham looked deeply into her wide eyed lover as the two became melted into one entity on the same wavelength. She once was a princess from a far away land locked away from the world by her evil parents wasting her life with the iron bars on her windows that they claimed had been placed with love; until he saved her.

    ¡°Mmm Are you ready for tonight?¡± she asked.

    ¡°Of course I''m always ready, and I hope you will have to keep your walls down,¡± he said back.

    ¡°No force fields will ever come between us for as long as we live¡± promised Yasham.

    ¡°Good I love you¡± said the prince as he began to smooch her all over.

    Behind them the rest of the band had finished with the schlock consumption standing around in a huddle.

    "Hey roadie get us some crystal powder on the amplifier for the encore eh" said Roger.

    "Yes prince" said the knight and guitar tech running to the backroom.

    Loud screeching as the groupies entered.

    "Hey ladies drink up" said Cap motioning to the intoxicant spilled on the floor in a puddle.

    The groupies rushed on their hands and knees to the drink, lapping it up. A few in attendance were Bootlickers, and they reeked of fish.

    "Orgy on the train after the feast tonight" whispered one band member as the others giggled.

    "Alright time to go back on stage boys lets go lets go" called Prince Minco rushing in.

    Minco was the art, and entertainment director for the kingdom. He managed the band, but it was his signature "Rob art" that he was most famous for. It was depicting everyday items around the kingdom such as hay bales, and the royal salt brine sold in jars that most defined him. With each stroke of Minco''s whip onto his apprentice goblin slave understudies the "Rob art" was mass produced for sale to the massive Royal family.

    "One second," said Roger, not moving.

    "Hey you.. No more hour long breaks or just leaving mid set anymore when I''m paying you from my crystal fortunes you are at my command! Do you guys hear me" yelled Minco, flapping his arms.

    Prince Edward''s head tilted sideways where he stood as one eye glared to the side. Minco''s arms went limp at his sides like expired soba noodles left in the sun.

    "What''s that?" said Edward, smiling as he slowly approached with the hook outstretched.

    "Take your time," blurted Minco, studying the floor.

    "That''s what I thought" said Edward, already walking back to his bride as he licked his lips.

    The band eventually finished their set with the signature sacrifice of instruments and Cap lighting himself on fire before being sprayed with ice crystal dust. Edward took a line off the box of the amplifying crystal before tossing his bass into the flames on stage.

    "Yeeeeah haww let''s burn this place to the ground" Edward growled striking a match.

    He and the rest of the band slowly headed away from the smoke backstage.

    Out the rear exit with Yasham into the waiting limo carriage twenty doors long. A servant opened the door to stuffed leopard upholstery inside. Edward took his bride''s hand as he helped her in first, before getting in and hooking the door shut. The limo headed down a dark street towards the train station. The ballroom building formerly owned by Minco burned away in flames. An old witch stood arms outstretched to heat her old bones from the cold.

    ¡°If I don¡¯t receive some meat this time there¡¯s going to be trouble¡± she cackled before being overtaken by a fit of coughing.

    "Kings shouldn''t have to worry about unfair contracts. You know I''ll see it no band in the land ever has to deal with that scumbag again if they want to be broadcasted on air" Edward laughed his hook to pop the cork off fancy bubbling schlock.

    "Oh Edward, this wicked world doesn''t deserve somebody without false pretenses like you," said Yasham, kissing his cheek.

    They pulled beside the private tour train the tracks which would one day travel the planet. The crew was already loading the Harems luggage from the hotel. The VIP group entered in jovial spirits and headed straight to the bar for more schlock.

    "That everybody king?" asked the conductor.

    "yeah, let''s blast off at once" as Edward grinning with his substance buzz.

    The whistle blew twelve times before the magma crystals blew the tour train off into turbo speed fuzz.

 19: Taking Care of Business

    Edward quickly devoured his bride on their train ride home from the honeymoon. The Prince had first filled his appetite for lust by first having many rounds of consensual intercourse with the victim. Before the murder he and her were inseparable on their brief tour of action. They had avoided many of the hikes, gift shops, and fancy churches of the sunny tropical vacation. Opting out of excursions to express themselves more intimately dancing to the latest hits at the clubs between make-out sessions in the back of taxis. Oh how he had pretended to love her, but the whole time he craved dancing her to the final act. He even subjected himself to doing tango with a group of seniors on a sandy beach beside a lighthouse in the name of love.

    It was the perfect relationship on paper before he cut it short. After he savored her sliced roast beef meat in a sandwich with mustard and tomato slices between white bread. Next up he took a brief trip to the bathhouses to clean up his act. It was time he put the remains of the Mrs on ice and traveled to the dangerous core of the planet for an adventure.

    "We gotta check those coolers for schlock," said the Kingdom''s border guard, pointing to the bloody lunchbox seat buckled in a booster seat in the passenger seat.

    The Prince whipped open the door on the luxury wagon. The chrome spinning rims and bright pink paint reflected the newly installed barbed wire, shiny metal sheet fencing, and the border station.

    "No matter if you don''t see any booze let my mother think I''m sober," said the Prince, winking.

    Out the vehicle''s window he flashed the offer of a fat banded bribe.

    "Yes sir you know you''ve just made my year man haha,".

    Edward burned rubber peeling into the highway of his mothers kingdom. The teleportation station was seven hours of top speed away. It was time to rock his eardrums and brain in the meantime.

    There were exciting reports about soldiers dying in the cold mountains of the core of the planet. A top secret mission had been first attacked by a Sasquatch in the warmer forests. This had been false information. When all hope had been lost, good news of legendary creature spotting came in. A group of Princes and princesses had been devoured by hungry Yeti on a trek up a close mountain peak that they had set on a quest to claim. Only a single survivor had made it back down. Fortunately he arrived at camp to deliver the final account before finally succumbing to his wounds.

    Edward, and his gang of fortune hunters had been adventuring far far north of Tenare''s core for five days now.Their eager dogs fastened in their harnesses, with the sleds leaving camp into the unknown wilderness. An elite expedition of Knights joining the Prince on his adventure. Their rewards were too numerous to list for many important parts of society had come to shape around rewarding Knights for all their wonderful exploits.

    The party arrived at what remained of a devoured corpse sticking from the frozen tundra. Edward commanded the others to a stop. He took a finger to the ground and had a lick of the tainted snow.

    ¡°That¡¯s new¡­ Yeti blood I''m figuring,¡± commented a royal hunter.

    "Aye," agreed a few around.

    A circle of Knights pushed in to sample a mixture of the blood, and the snow. Others took off ahead on their sleds to keep from the troop all becoming clumped up together at one big feast.

    ¡°Move out of the way!¡± yelled a sled driver, forcing a knight into the ditch who the dogs trampled over.

    The knight stampeded by the sled hounds happened to be the last member of former King¡¯s elite guard not dead, or run off into hiding among the roadside bandits for a life of crime. His name Sir Benny Blitz, Broncos son. He was not liked by many for all the successful alliances he had formed in his successful years had been defeated. In the upper ranks he became known as a poor judge of character and a fool that let corruption fester. On the other hand the lower soldiers still recognized he was the best of the best when it came to his career of soldiering built partly on reputation of a lethally hot temper. He closely studied the man speeding off who had wronged him from the ground where he had fallen with an icy stare. One more not making it off this mountain range alive.

    ¡°Break off some dogs and search the nearby woods for more blood. The men ahead will find us a campsite close,¡± instructed Edward, shivering underneath ten layers of sleek designer garments.

    ¡°Yes my lord¡± said a large knight heading to join a crew of six already gathering to venture into the frozen wood.

    The sleds zipped along the side of the narrow wayward mountain pass. They had begun to climb at a steeper angle. The peak loomed over them blocking out the middle of the moon''s light.

    This wasn¡¯t anybody''s first adventure. All the men who had come to gather glory on the yeti hunt were veterans of many wars, hunts, and even heists. It was what they all collectively thought to be true except for the one among them who had lied about all exploits. He would have his first exploit soon enough however. It was a moment that he had trained by the best for years, studied under them extensively, and fitted with a poison capsule hidden away in his mouth. There was no going back from this one once something went wrong.Royal Road is the home of this novel. Visit there to read the original and support the author.

    Edward Longbottom drew his shining crystal sword that could cut through almost anything but got dull fast. It had to be sharpened in a special device of rocks of its own every time he bit off more than it could chew. The Prince was starting to become self aware in that his thrill seeking was losing the same cheap thrills that it used to have. His latest marriage had been his fastest ever, and what a boring girl in the end.

    There must be something out there to satisfy the void. My never-ending urges are never filled, and seem to be escalating in shock factor. Edward checked in both directions before sneaking off into a clearing by himself. Here he brought out his dwarf device, and rocks for another consultation. Whatever the quest of all the quests that would logically set him up for the crown. It had to be located somewhere unexplored here in the core. And his band was going full shock rock to match.

    Ned woke to a peculiar feeling in his legs. The phantom pain of not being able to feel anything at all. His fire had gone out while asleep.His body was beginning to frostbite like the rest of his surroundings. He grunted, struggling to stand. At least his arms still worked.

    He dragged himself closer to the empty fire pit. The center where the magma had burned a hole directly into the rock below. The edges had remained half charred. Ned''s arms shook involuntarily fighting against him to stay warm as he began building a fire. He grabbed a bag of remaining starter hidden inside a cloak pocket. He hastily threw it into the ring, and finished the magic trick by lighting a flint with two claps of the hands.

    ¡°Poof¡± It burst into fire crackling.

    Ned dragged himself back a safe distance while his nostrils filled with the scent of burnt beard hair. His numb hands worked overtime extinguishing the burning sensation. Next he put his feet as close as they could thaw without catching a flame. His vision was beginning to return and his stomach was rumbling.

    This frozen wasteland of the core would be the end of him soon. Outside the blizzard blew fierce winds up against the mountain with temperatures that would surely freeze anything alive. The gusts hit funny angles of rock producing an eerie whistling. It almost sounded like natural cries for help.

    Some time had passed, but the wind hadn''t died down any. The dead girl was nowhere to be found since departing. She hadn¡¯t been much help anyway. He was on his own when it came to engineering a fix to this mess. A single beast treat remained in the satchel. He had some shelter but food was going to be impossible to find. If he was lucky a hare or other tasty animal would wander here seeking shelter. That would be an easy thing to roast, but for now he munched away working on a frozen stub of bread.

    ¡°Well might as well dig in to the main course¡± the wizard said, before letting out a madcap laugh. "Hahaha".

    In his mouth he plopped the last remaining dried mushroom favored by his donkey. It tasted stale, yet funny.

    ¡°Guess I''ll chill here by my fire until morning¡± said Ned, putting his hands behind his head. "when my stomach forces my hand, or feet to move I need to have a plan dreamed of best surviving".

    The energy produced by the crystals in this place was too powerful for one to be exposed to long term. It was some kind of insidiousness that slowly crept up on you like an invisible smell-less gas making one mad. Even being aware of all this unfortunate reality Ned could do about it except laugh. . Death was always going to be coming inevitably he supposed. Hopefully he would still have a chance to explore this strange land of the core before going. The very things that he had dedicated a life to researching and what made it so beautiful to behold. At some point crystals would drive him demented. There were worse ways to go than becoming freezer burned. He remained lost deep in thoughts while the flicker of the fire on the cavern walls caused strange shadows to dance.

    Nearby Nancy had found her corpse captured by a patrol of soldiers. She floundered in a net hung from the ice castle, while nearby Queen Elizebethy the 13th stood holding the rope, and smiling from above. The Jester could be spotted watching on from a safe distance in the tallest ice tower that towered above them.

    ¡°You die again and this time it''s too hot for anything in the galaxy to resurrect from¡± said Elizebthy, playing with her crown.

    With her hands off the rope the net dropped down the ice walls of the castle. The zombie girl wrapped like spider''s food took a plunge. She fell in the lava sinking into the heat in her Elf plotting armor never to return. The crystals all around the cavern lit up a green glow as they absorbed  zombie essence.

    ¡°Cheap stuff that rotten flesh,¡± cackled the evil Queen, cracking her knuckles.

    She strode back inside her palace of ice wearing high heels, and a black-ice colored puffer jacket.

    ¡°SnAAAAAGY come here at once¡± she cried, entering the throne room.

    Far above Snaggy was hiding in the tower library. A dark place known to contain the largest library of torture diagrams, and snuff manuals ever assemble. His sensitive jester ears had already picked up his master''s call to action. He leapt to arms, and out of the ice tower. He surfed down support beams, and crystal shingle waving to keep balance. The Queen turned as he bounced twice across the courtyard, and then somersaulted rapidly a dozen times before standing in front of her.

    ¡°What will it be on this fine day, your majesty?¡± he said.

    ¡°Yes, Snaggy, please summon the dungeon master through the communication tower, and tell him to free our previously agreed prisoners from the dungeons, and double the supplies deposited into the portals at once!¡± ordered Elizebethy.

    ¡°Let me set it up here, your majesty, so that you can call anyone anytime from your lair,¡± said Snaggy, taking out pen.

    ¡°I already told the installation team to handle that a dozen times, and then they all left the job to go yeti hunting,¡± she complained.

 20: Kingdom Mananger

    Queen Elizebethy the 13th¡¯s mouth froze into a frown underneath her crown. She sat alone on her throne of crystal keeping watch out the frosted window. Another of her heirs would be kicking the bucket. The assassin had technically passed their first mission of killing the Prince¡¯s girlfriend, but being a necromancer Nancy had come back for more in the core. Edward would be back-stabbed by her same secret agent asset Octo Ion.

    A group of nine Knights had found and captured Nancy reincarnated from the dead. She had done an interview with the dead girl for information. The problem is that she didn¡¯t feel any pain, or have much of any useful information being brain-dead full of mush. The Queen growing bored dropped the zombie off the ice castle into the lava bubbling in the moat poured for this exact purpose. Now all the plots she could dream of were in motion, and all there was to do was wait. Unfortunately she had just finished emptying the ice dungeons of playthings.

    The Queen turned to the banquet table loaded with cut crystal power. All the furniture had been moved to stack boxes of more crystal along all the walls while snow covered most of the floor. At the head of the table enough powder had been sucked away in order to fit a small plate of peppers, and a jar of Yarrb milk. Taking a seat the Queen bit the head off a pepper, took a sniff, and washed it all down with a gulp of the thick cold milk beginning to freeze. She laughed in cartoonishly Eval fashion.

    In the meantime she had surface level problems like bootleg schlock to destroy, taxes to collect, and people to set on fire. She also needed to reproduce and spawn again to make up for all her fallen children. A new King was needed for breeding the next set of generals, but there was a critical error here. She thought all men were terribly useless, and had grown to hate them. The only thing she liked less was other women. So she was looking for a better species like an Elf, or ripped werewolf. As long as it wasn¡¯t a dwarf, leprechaun or other being too short of stature.

    On the other hand it did seem a bad idea to make more competition for the throne when she would find a way to live forever, and ever. The powers contained here in the core of the planet had the key to this longevity. It was exploring the vast unknown area until they found it that scared her. People had long looked into the stars, and tried to find the monsters camouflaged on the bottom of the ocean floor. Humans could eventually blow their minds on reaching the end of the universe given enough time to progress their technologies. She had spent a lifetime in strict worship building faith towards the spirits who inhabited this land of ice. She had limited time to discover their fountain of youth and unlimited after.

    The logistics of transporting workers and goods to the core was a nightmare. For now it all teleported from a single station instead of straight from farm,prison, or barracks. The rapid expansion here had been hotly debated amongst the nobles. The Queen had been in favor of building a teleport pad next to every execution chamber, but sometimes even royalty couldn¡¯t always get what they wanted. Simply there was no possible way to build more than a few teleportation centers with the crystals the kingdom had on hand.

    In fact the crown was growing low on many basic materials like food and water.  There was a metal shortage so bad several towns and villages no longer employed blacksmiths. Those still working forged stolen scraps into the items equipped on freshly conscripted pawns.

    The technology needed to transport the required crystals back from the core to make the expenses  worth it at the moment were not even close to being realized. Yet despite the warning signs the Queen, and most of the Princes and Princesses had increasingly called for an increase in the budget for core colonization. Behind closed doors they viciously spat with each other while desperately searching for funds to give to the Elves who now held all the cards.

    ¡°This is an opportunity that easily meets any risk. Every two-bit kingdom, empire, or so called democracy,¡± said the Jester doing sassy air quotes on the last one while strutting across the stage in his element. ¡°We must colonize the core for resources to have a great jump forward, any logistics issues will spur on better technology for us all,¡± said Snaggy.

    He had traveled from the Queen¡¯s ice castle as a ¡°Core ambassador¡± in order to keep an eye on the Capitol City council above ground. There were many secret eyes already observing every notable castle nobles.

    ¡°Understandable we get it, but do understand we will have to make some rather difficult financial decisions should the food and water fall enough to jeopardize public order,¡± barked the Slyman council leader from the end of the massive feasting table stacked with grub.

    Snaggy had not been invited to eat. He, a man of high efficiency, had let himself in to share his orders before moving on to the next task assigned. The leaders thought they had successfully avoided the fool all day, but he had decided to show up when everyone had gathered together for supper. The council collectively ripped and teared into their giant bird meat, drowning out any further words with schlock , and overflowing mouthfuls of food. A servant carried in a tray of smoked larva, and cocoons sitting it down at the head of the table, picked the empty silver tray, and took it towards the kitchen for a second helping.

    Snaggy waited patiently beside the leader for another word. Eventually the eyes on the back of the Slyman''s head began to draw him mad seeing the jester watching him eat.

    ¡°What else does she want?¡± he cried, spitting all over the fool out of deliberate malice.

    ¡°That I clean this place up and act as the royals sole representative directly straight from the new Capital City in the core. At once the crown has ordered all scrolls,maps, and signs be changed to reflect this transition of power. This city will now be known as Ordinary City Number 9.¡± said Snaggy.The narrative has been taken without permission. Report any sightings.

    Fear briefly flashed in many eyes as all stopped eating.

    ¡°So what does it mean for us then?¡± quivered the head.

    The door opened as Elite Knights entered standing behind the Jester with flamethrowers.

    ¡°To prevent any power struggles you will each be separately moved to different councils all around the lands in order to help the kingdom prosper the best it can. Now please come with the Knights. They each have a different letter for each of you with instructions. So find your match,¡± said Snaggy, smiling he opened his book.

    Snaggy paraded their dirty clothes out flamboyantly in between the lines of the pages.

    ¡°Now we can show these in the open and say that it improved behavior, and corruption with pressure. You know what it is. An extensively detailed naughty list of you nobles with pictures, and audio to go along with to shame you into action,¡± announced Shaggy, bowing when he was finished.

    The nobles were speechless as escape options were considered. Then the soldiers descended with clubs to further help clear up their minds. The chairs dragged out from the table noisily by the standing council. These landowners of considerable property holdings who with great reluctance followed their orders with little other choice in the matter. They were escorted out the door, down the dirty streets in their fancy clothes as crowds gawked, and shoved into a waiting train car. The royal snitches were eating well tonight.

    The prison gate swung open letting natural light pour into the large holding cell, as did a swarm of guards forcing the prisoners into a corner. A lanky prisoner dressed in beggars clothes knocked into the man behind him, almost tipping three.

    ¡°My bad there sir sorry,¡± said the prisoner in a soiled trench coat with odd looking hands and feet.

    ¡°Shut yer traps at once!¡± screamed a guard glaring into the crowd.

    The sound was executed, except the distant squeaking of rodents. A plump overhung belly entered the room first followed by the dark hood of the dungeon master. Guards held the black salute, while he stretched to grab the megaphone from the floor. In his other hand he unrolled a scroll that bounced off the gut, and fell to the floor.

    ¡°Ahem greetings all. Your lucky lot have been chosen by the crown for a transfer to a new much more accommodating location. You will be separated into groups of 12 by name at once, and transferred via prison carriage. That is all.¡± said the dungeon master.

    He did a little bow that turned into a yellow salute. It wasn''t held for long before he whisked away as quickly as he had arrived. To cross off the next dungeon on his list.

    ¡°Psst,¡± whispered a small voice from the bottom of the trench coat.

    Mickey looked down at the other leprechaun. He stood on a dude with an angrily questioning face. His head stuck under the coat only leaving the green cap.

    ¡°Are we still going to find some way out of this?¡± cried Mickey, once the covers above had been sealed.

    ¡°When the opportunity presents itself, and if you don¡¯t blow our cover brother¡± scolded Ratom.

    The head stuck back out of the trench coat to see the outside. The line in front of them had begun to filter out of the holding cell.

    ¡°One foot over the other foot, times to get moving, another foot to our stop,¡± sang Mickey.

    Ratom struggled with carrying the weight of both of them forward. His only peephole was through a slightly unzipped fly. The walls here all looked the same filthy color, and the cells were uniform. Thankfully a guard elbowed his yelping brother whenever he walked too far off course. As long as they remained disguised they had a chance of breaking apart and slipping away undetected.

    "Common lazy criminals up these stairs let''s go," boomed an amplified voice.

    The air already smelled better here, but the staircase was not up to leprechaun code. Ratom struggled mightily, and Mickey became increasingly worried with a guard''s hot breath down his neck. The little legs carrying two could only manage a step up every 15 seconds or so. The guard drew even closer with a shocking stick.

    "Hey I think this prisoner needs a wheelchair so lets laugh at him struggling instead," he called.

    "Hahaha," another laughed.

    The group had been held together a month inside the walls of the crown''s detention den number 5. They found themselves walking past the barriers next to the warden''s office. Somebody could be heard having a lot of fun in the break room. The signs plastered to the walls read the strict rules of the facility, while they walked through two more reinforced doors for security. A loud grinding sound emerged from the turning gears of the final exit.

    The suns blinded the group of prisoners into submission. They stood at the threshold waiting for eyes to adjust to the rays. They were forced forward into the yard, and broken into two after shuffling into the loading zone. This was a barbed fenced zone with many towers having many archers on top guarding, many more exploding bombs hidden on the other side of the fence, and dogs that looked hungry. In addition many more bombs could be dropped from the patrolling aluminum zeppelins above.

    ¡°Into this car at once gentlemen¡± said the guard, escorting them.

    The first man into the car let off a cough as more funneled into the dark stink inside. The smell of sulfur, rotting eggs, defecation, and dead flesh all combined. It could have been anything that had previously died, but good chance it was once a prisoner of the crown. The opened doors behind them let in just enough light to see half way inside. As some of the first to board Mickey, and Ratom found themselves pressed to the back wall covered in shadows.

    ¡°Watch where you step, I''m sitting here,'''' a voice slowly managed to wheeze out from the dark.

    ¡°Well get up then, and make room,¡± said Ratom.

    ¡°Can¡¯t do anything Leprechaun. If only you could see how broken I am. I¡¯m afraid all that¡¯s holding my organs in is a bit of tape, plaster, and glue¡± sighed the voice.

    "That''s not good," blurted Mickey.

    "Oh I see there''s more leprechauns in here, nice to meet you. I''m Humpy Dumpy or used to be before they broke me" he said.

    Overhearing this the prisoners remained silent after until they were all aboard. A guard quickly slid the door shut, and then loudly bolted it from outside. One of many prison cars on the slow moving jail train that would be taking them to the teleportation center. Nicknamed the crazy train because the first 6 cars were dedicated to transportation of those from the royal nut house.

 21: Snake Eater

    Far above the building tension in the planets core was ordinary jungle. Jed remained lost. He kept marching with his head held high using his short sword as a machete to clear a path.

    ¡°AAAAA!¡±

    That familiar voice screamed across the lands. Jed shook his head to shake the echos above the thick foliage. It had been weeks out here, and his friend who had been gravely wounded before becoming lost in the jungle had no chance of being currently alive. Lately he had started to hear and see a lot of things in the past few days that he suspected were not actually happening outside of his own head.

    He descended the familiar banking heading towards the stream. His thirst had him auto drinking some of the clear waters before diving in the deep end. It was only when he came up for air he took shape of the collecting pool overflowing into a small jungle waterfall.

    Later Jed emerged out of the water holding a trout. He smacked it into a nearby birch tree and wrapped it in the bark for dinner. He put the fish under a pile of rocks lying directly in the light provided by multiple suns. He briefly sprawled out onto the sand to be quickly fried with the fish, before jumping back in to cool off.

    Sometime later he came back up over the bank dry with a red chest and a cooked fish. Thankfully the watering hole also had plenty of shade. Jed would have lived here if not for the other animals who also shared in the waters. So far the savage gangs of monkeys had been his biggest threat from above. They always kept an eye on him, and when he didn¡¯t keep his eyes open they would swoop down to steal something.

    When the soldiers had all traveled together, before the breakup, and betrayal they had told stories around the campfire. On one of these occasions one of the oldest veterans among them had said that other beings lurked in the jungle. Things that you didn¡¯t fear because they just crept up on you quietly, shapeshifted, and ate you alive before ever showing true form. Jed was hoping this was just a false tale, and lived like it perhaps in complete denial.

    The train cars had fallen off the track from above and vines had already grown over the walls. It had evidently been some kind of party train for the royalty with a schlock, and hookah bar car. At least the heavy doors still latched sheltering him from outside threats. Unfortunately there were still a lot of little vents built into the train, and holes that had been opened. Jed had discovered the problems the first time he had tried to store food and the ants had eaten it all in a night. Luckily none of them appeared poisonous like he had been heard about. He had filled some of the vents on the floor with rags, and built a self contained section from wood, and scrap metal to sleep in.

    He entered his room after climbing a ladder onto the 2nd floor, and stashed his sword. In his hands what remained of the cooked fish was salted from the condiment bar. There were even pickled lemons remaining, and required the sword. Jed drank his citrus brine to keep healthy. He then climbed into his hammock and sprawled out while tearing off a section of dried fish in his teeth.

    Sometimes being in a survival situation wasn''t so bad. A man could find himself in many worse situations like the prison system. Maybe some weaklings might say being dead was better than living alone off the crystal grid. Regardless of the dire circumstances he was subjected to, Jed was going to keep on living for as long as he could.

    Jed ran through a dry stream eaten through the land in the jungle. Overhead the winds whipped viciously into the wild tall grass. Two suns had fallen for the night, and only the third remained on the edge of the sky.

    The daytime critters were on the move in the process of heading back to their dens to clock out for the nocturnal dwellers. Now was the perfect time to catch a meal. A standard issue sword wasn¡¯t cut out for hunting anything faster than porcupines. Jed unfastened his scrap metal bow slung to his back.

    The train wreck he called home was full of loot that either needed to be repaired, or most often broken down for survival. That was for the future in the present he was a hunter who had come across prey. He set his sight for a snake slithering in a tree. Jed gripped a drawstring fashioned from spring like metal strings found on broken music instruments.

    ¡°THWACK!¡± said his arrow hitting the target.

    Jed set upon the slain snake with his sword, and chopped off the head. He picked up the rest of it, and deposited the nutrients in his sack. The animal would be slowly smoked into jerky in a clay smoker built by the survivor near his den.

    "MMMMM.. more nutrients,¡± he said, drooling.

    A giant rat scuttled across the path into the woods. Jed stalked it slowly through the bushes with bow in hand. He pulled back, and let go. The wind hit the arrow, and the rat ran into a hole. He frowned, picking up the bent arrow when the wind carried distant voices to his ears. Jed snapped back on the prowl.

    Nearby the stream flowed into a small waterfall. Jed looked down onto a clearing filled with strange metal beasts meshed into crystal drawing them to life on wheels. A tank cleared the front with a stream of flames in front, saw blades on the sides, and rolled on a single massive crushing crystal ball rotating underneath. A figure clad in golden armor jet packed with magma propulsion on his back flew up from the waterfall into view. He moved towards the bushes Jed hid in, and grabbed hold of a communication crystal transmitter.

    "Where are you at silver11?" a crackling voice called.

    "Taking a leak," replied the gold-plated jet packer, beginning to unzip his armor directly above Jed.

    Jed had to move downstream fast.

    ¡°Huh what''s that?¡± sputtered the compromised trooper spotting danger close.

    ¡°THWACK¡± responded to the arrow hitting target.

    ¡°Bang!¡±.

    He had a special surprise waiting for an explosive load of scavenged crystals taped on. Jed ran back into the jungle while the enemy he had struck strapped to the malfunctioning jet-pack zipping wildly through the forest. His sword cut through blocking spider webs as he kept eyes on the prize above. The corpse hit the top of a towering ancient tree, and the armor that rang out like a bell bouncing away.

    The body loudly smacked around hitting on moss covered glacier rocks and mushrooms like a pinball wizard, before finally tumbling down to the ground right in front of him. A strange armor engraved in stranger number blocks, and what appeared to be a single faintly glowing flowing symbol that spun over everything like a giant jellyfish burn. A cylinder weapon of some kind of exposed crystal harnessed glowing blue near the heart. On the other hand lay burned flesh, and melted materials exposed to intense heat of a crystal battery meltdown. A small core once harnessed for energy that was no more.

    The mysterious forces below began to burn roads towards him.

    ¡°BOOM!¡±

    An explosive volley from an artillery barrage hit where he had killed one of them.

    The reinforcements would be soon swarming in like angry bees to find him. Jed threw the surprisingly light body on his back. He would take it back to base camp for looting and disposal so as not to waste anything. Jed had never seen hardware this advanced anywhere except Elf. This guy wasn¡¯t from any military branch he had ever seen. Perhaps the Kingdom had sent in elite shadow guards with top secret technology after him, or he was up against some other force that was yet to be determined.

    The corpse was an awkward load to carry such a distance back home with so much heat incoming. Maybe stashing it away somewhere safe for the night would be the better plan, but the curiosity to unmask his foes was greater. Logically they were advanced enough to track him so he needed all the help he could get. The knowledge of who he was up against, and the power of the armor to wear. He descended back into the dry stream dragging it through the mud. One foot over another one.Unauthorized tale usage: if you spot this story on Amazon, report the violation.

    The suns had all long set now after dark. Thankfully the exposed crystals on the corpse were providing an aura of glowing blue light against the tree walls on either side. The birds had gone to sleep, but the monkeys still barked, swinging all around in the dark sky above. The temperature had dropped to seemingly the coldest it had ever been for Jed in this tundra. He needed to get home soon, and lock up his birds and hogs in their pens on the farm.

    A ripped piece of red clothing tied to a branch marked the path at a crossroads. The closing road home. It would surely be less than an hour at this pace, or even less he told himself without saying a word. The body had been dragged by a single smelly foot for a while. Jed slung the whole man back on his back walking the path from trampling a floor of flora to coarse eroded rock heading a sharp bend down under roots that lay exposed from the ground above.

    An hour later and home was still nowhere to be seen. Jed sat at the base of a fallen trunk where the corpse lay sprawled over top with one dead hand touching the ground. This looked like unfamiliar land, but until recently it had still been marked by red ripped cloth spurring him forward. The cloth had run out, and this was certainly unfamiliar land. A pile of rock going up a steep cliff to somewhere he didn¡¯t want to be. The trail marks had been moved. No doubt somebody was playing tricks on him. A monkey screeched a laughing cackle nearby announcing itself as a primary suspect.

    ¡°Curse my bad luck of my existence limping along tortured, while the other animals have so much fun watching on,¡± said the man throwing his fists to the sky.

    The survivor fell pounding the ground, as tears of frustration fell from his eyes. A branch broke, startling Jed back to a quiet state of survival. He scanned all around for trouble while his body shook with adrenaline. He dragged a leaf over the glowing body snuffing out the light. The jungle was now nothing but darkness in the night. He crouched behind the overturned tree roots, and waited for whatever hunted him to come forward. Another twig snapped closer. Jed heard a beast''s nostrils let out a large vent of air.

    ¡°Hello there friend,¡± said a slow, raspy voice.

    Jed jumped, falling over into mud he froze.

    ¡°Don¡¯t be afraid Jed, we were already traveling companions once,¡± it said.

    ¡°Who are you?¡± yelled Jed.

    ¡°I once held many burdens for a foolish wizard on my back, and now I will bear many for you,¡± it announced echoing through the trees, and getting closer.

    A nightmare bird hit a harsh tone combined with the wind howl. The nostrils flared hot steam shooting down the neck and his back. He jumped forward crawling for life as the beast advanced on him. Stuck picking himself up off the sucking mud under the ripped away roots in the dead of night. Jed flipped over with his explosive bow ready for a final showdown.

    ¡°Hey man I¡¯m another simple animal here, there''s no need to be a wussy,¡± laughed the approaching donkey.

    It still had the same pack Jed remembered before Fred, but was engulfed in a new light with bright purple showing the path again emitting from its eyes. Jed covered his eyes while rolling farther behind the thick cover of the roots. This was either a particularly cruel disarming trap, or he had finally caught his big break. A mental one that is..

    Jed prepared for any incoming funny business by double checking his battle scarred weapons. Both could were still capable of killing anything in skilled enough hands. He needed to keep the thing talking friendly.

    ¡°There¡¯s an Eleven mercenary thug of some kind behind a leaf over there. I would say more will be coming for revenge,¡± Jed nervously called to the creature.

    The purple light dulled.

    ¡°Yeah, well not the revenge part, the Elementals care more about protecting their technology, that''s a human cultist permanently bonded to them in a life pact,¡±.

    ¡°Did you do anything to Fred, where is he?¡± Jed angrily interrupted.

    ¡°No clue.. He went mad from everything you know it happens sometimes in this grimdark place we inhabit,¡± responded the purple glowing animal.

    The donkey was making a lot of noise messing with the creaking armor of the dead. Jed quickly glanced at the creature now carrying the corpse slung over its back.

    ¡°What could they be doing out here in the jungle?¡± asked the human.

    ¡°How should I know,¡±. The donkey turned to its cargo and gripped. Out ripped the glowing crystal battery part off the chestplate with full force. It slurped, pulling out internal contents with wires, plugs, and finally an artificial heart built of plastic bags holding blood, and crystals. ¡°There¡¯s a tracking device we can keep the loot and they won¡¯t find us now,¡±.

    ¡°Huh alright thanks,¡± said Jed, slowly peeking out of cover dumbfounded.

    ¡°Stop the heart tracker with an explosive when I''m clear,¡± said the donkey leaving the area.

    ¡°Good idea,¡± said Jed, aiming his bow.

    The trail grew more worn, and soon the very top edge of train cars stacked on top of themselves showed in the treeline arriving home. The donkey provided light while Jed went to his nighttime chores late. He approached the chicken where the hen flap was open. A coop where a fox darted out carrying away a hen flapping from its mouth to feed on later. It happened sooner than the farmer had time to react.

    ¡°Damn it,¡± cried Jed.

    ¡°Tsk, tsk hope he only had time to get one hen,¡± scolded the donkey.

    ¡°Only two birds are missing. It could have been much worse¡± Jed said, locking the hens in safely from the hungry jungle.

    ¡°Since you talk donkey I assume you wish to sleep indoors with another civilized beast myself¡± said the man.

    ¡°No, I prefer to be classified as mule,¡± It began to circle a pile of hay like a dog looking for a spot, ¡°I¡¯ll keep night watch out here sleeping on my feet instead of locking myself in a deathtrap with no maneuverability,¡± it replied.

    ¡°Very well friend goodnight¡± said Jed locking himself inside the mess of crashed train cars.

    The next morning parrots squealed the signs of morning. Jed awoke from where he sprawled onto the hammock. Surely a nightmare for this talking ass, either way it was full of shit. He opened the door to the beast who was waiting for him outside. Either way now he had a friend to talk to. A good thing needed to keep him from going crazy.

    ¡°I didn¡¯t get your name,¡± said Jed.

    ¡°Mule,¡±.

    ¡°Very well I suppose you actually did and it flew over my head, what can I feed you for breakfast Mule?¡± said Jed.

    ¡°Oatmeal if you got it, or porridge with apples,¡± said Mule.

    ¡°I got a tree of apples and plenty to spare,¡± said the farmer.

    It was a good couple weeks on the farm. With the added horsepower, and another mind to bounce ideas off of, Jed worked twice as hard as before. Everyday he, and Mule got up early to work under purple light feeding animals, and tending crops. The storage bags hung to the animal increased the game he could catch to bring home tenfold on every hunt. Eventually growing trust in Mule Jed had never been so optimistic about living this way of life.

    "You know the other night I went looking around on my rounds, and found something amazing you''ve been sitting right on top of this entire time," said Mule, between bites of duck feed Jed had poured into pales.

    "That''s for birds not you fool," said the farmer coming down with a slapping hand that the beast dodged.

    "Hey I deserve a little bonus for all my support. I guarantee you will let me have anything I want to eat after I show you this crazy thing for use to work on hidden banking under the vines,¡± said Mule.

    "Alright alright let''s go show me if it will get you to shut up," said Jed.

    They walked over a pile of boulders. Jed had been here before but he hadn''t seen the vine covered fallen train cargo car camouflaged in mud. Mule pointed it out with a flexing tail. Jed got to work clearing away vines from the overturned square box shipping container with his sword. The door knob creaked finally coming down as the man jumped on top of it with his entire weight, but the double doors were so rusted they wouldn''t budge open.

    "Tie a rope to the handle of the outer door and the other to my harness" said Mule.

    "Good idea" said Jed jogging home to get his coil of rope.

    Both creatures gave their full strength pulling, and pulling. The door creaked open creating a dust storm pouring out like a cinnamon shaker. Jed untied the rope from his friend who had started glowing purple again. Inside the half buried rectangle was the skeleton on four tires with an engine heart of crystal power exposed in front hanging on a crane with wires and parts strewn all over the floor. Painted black, and gold with a spike plow of sharp cutting crystals in front, and a cannon turret in the back for added firepower.

    ¡°Another wizard and I used to street race together in modified crystal cars for money. I held the light and spare parts in my teeth as we modified our old rig up with all kinds of guns," grinned Mule.

    ¡°I only ever got to drive beaters that couldn¡¯t fly a fraction of the speed as I believe this premium machine can wow,¡± said Jed, looking impressed.

    Behind the vehicle a bolted vault with a warning that the volatile magma boosters for the propulsion were locked away by an unknown combination. Cluttering around the edges of the shop grinders, anvils, smelting supplies, an anvil and a furnace. A thin layer of dust hung over everything with stale air that had been preserved by the airtight lock. No matter how long this building had been sitting here as a time capsule the contents within were a treasure trove of technology for a more primitive survivor.

    Jed coughed dust off the hood and tried opening the drivers side door but it wouldn¡¯t budge. He had to climb through the window. He tumbled inside the hard interior. It looked reinforced with only the basics no cushioning.

    "We''ve got so much work to do," said Jed, sticking his grease soaked head out the open window.

    "Indeed I''ve got my work cut out trying to get your dumb ass to put this unit back together again in one piece," laughed the donkey.

 22: Hole In the Sky

    The prisoners woke to squealing air brakes and grinding magnets. The air smelled of hot sparks while growing sounds of other locomotives blowing their horns in scatterbrained symphony. A crack let them spy a series of red flags signaling an approaching train station stop. The ear splitting whistle blew their early morning alarm inside the prison train car.

    Ratom and Mickey stood on top of each other in a suit and tie disguise. A handy way quickly tailored to blend in with the majority of the prison population that was human, and seemed to value conformity above all else. Neither of them had slept much throughout the trip, as leprechauns needed little sleep.

    Instead of idly waiting in dark on their inevitable punishments they played a game. The ¡°Nth standard never falls¡± kept them busy throughout the night with a smuggled deck of cards. A game at the highest levels meant to be played with every crystal, and sometimes to the death. In this case they played with a simple bet.

    The door began rolling open sideways, and creaked. The leprechauns jumped in fright almost right out of their shared disguise. The loser groaned undercover being stuck acting as disguised feet while the other stood on head.

    "Hey that hurt," whispered the feet being stepped on.

    "Shhh" scolded Mickey.

    The door noisily slid open letting in radioactive lights. The guards shouted, and pushed them outside while they were still blind. The intense suns blasted through the fabric of the coat threatening to overexpose the pair.

    Mickey shuddered above, while Ratom struggled to traverse the mud. Everyone else was corralled into a trench system while a hazmat crew cleaned out the train cars behind them placing Humpy Dumpy into industrial trash bags. There was a wave of fear that seemed to spread throughout the rest of the crowd like a game of telephone.

    They kept on silently struggling forward for five more minutes until they arrived back onto solid cement ground. A fence squeaked open letting them inside a yard in front of a massive factory. A sign had been painted big and squarely onto the brick in uniform block lettering reading ¡°Teleportation loading dock¡±.

    Further beyond that a maze of spiked barbed wire fences defending guard towers curling a towering crystal in the open. The sprawling outdoor laboratory operation let off giant plumes of smoke into the air. There the thick copper wires covered everything in a web over the environment, and behind more thick brick walls anti air guns sat on alert guarding rows of giant coiled lines of electricity sparking from overclocked dark blue Electro-stones. All this power was directed into the grid to a massive Farc crystal glistening above the teleport pad.

    The supplies, prisoners, soldiers, and sheep waited in long lines stretching over the field. The tallest and widest of the smoke stacks curved upwards beside them spitting smog byproduct into the clouds. A hand yanked the distracted leprechaun above the back undercovers of the overcoat.

    ¡°How are our fates looking mate? I would like my final moments to have my wits about me and my eyes on the street,¡± whined Ratom.

    ¡°They are not in your hands anymore, and you drew the short end of the stick involving a combination of both bad luck and skills at the game, I''m sorry,¡± said Mickey, adjusting his sleeves.

    ¡°Fine, keep me here in the dark,¡± hissed Ratom, stomping his feet a few times in protest.

    Suddenly the guards descended onto them with the threat of raised clubs. The commanding shouts delivered by harsh voices of authority hustled them forward in line. It wasn¡¯t long before the latest guests joined the ranks of those waiting for a teleport. The leprechauns were smashed together in the center of the bustle with two yaks flanking them like buns on a burger.

    ¡°What a rotten smelly mess we find ourselves trapped in,¡± muttered Mickey.

    He sounded funny on account of plugging his nose from the outside world. His sense of smell had been successfully sealed. It was for the best here in his den below the torn suit jacket not yet exposing him. He had to only worry about putting one foot over another when commanded from above.

    Ratom looked all around for any possible escape route by habit. The largest governing body representing humanity ruled with a crystal fist, and controlled more and more of Tenare with every hour. Their imaginations are brilliant machines at designing systems like prisons, cities, or leveling. Certainly one of humans most prized arts that many great thinkers and inventors worked on perfecting, and many others took great pride in enforcing, but there were always things to exploit. Escaping their destination came with the catch of punishment if they were caught of execution. This situation looked futile, but there was no harm in imagining a small opening somewhere the two of them could cram away into to escape certain fate.

    The hours passed and no opportunities of escape ever presented themselves. The line crept forward toward the hastily constructed teleport pads far away near the tree line. The electricity surged from somewhere inside the smoke stack surging down the metal cables toward a rocky destination. The crystal rocked on its own quick schedule, becoming overcome with a burst teleporting the target. The line inched forward with every zap of power. More and more wires, cables, ropes, and spools hung from poles scattered all around the facility.

    ¡°Prisoners thank you for being so well behaved today, As you know nobody wants to work anymore so you have been hand selected to be teleported to a paradise by the Queen. That''s right your crimes have been forgiven as you''re sent on a top secret mission doing distinguished manual labor for national security. You are very lucky to be here, and now a bopping song to celebrate streaming exclusively from her majesty to you,¡± announced the loudspeakers hung on telephone poles everywhere. .This narrative has been purloined without the author''s approval. Report any appearances on Amazon.

    The piercing sound of feedback from loudspeakers destroyed eardrums as the track changed. Mickey uncovered his nose to reach for his ears.

    ¡°Beep bop boo-pity bop¡± The beat started on a recording of the Queen''s newest smash single.

    ¡°You''re free today, free to build something better for you and me, free to dream of living in harmony, build for me your queen Elizabethy¡± she crooned.

    ¡°Hope the humans find her just as creepy as I do" wondered Mickey.

    ¡°Aye, you will get us killed, shut up,¡± raged Ratom, pinching as hard as he could.

    ¡°Okay ouch,¡± the other yelped.

    The cows in front of them poofed into red mist zapped with a charge from the towering teleport crystal. Ratom¡¯s feet resumed walking forward until being stopped by hitting the next in line.

    "Hey I''m walking here...POOF!¡±

    Whoever it was were next to be shocked, and there had been no escaping it.

    ¡°Close your eyes, and don¡¯t think about nothing brother,¡± said Ratom.

    Mickey nodded in acknowledgement looking down a final time.

    ¡°I¡¯m thinking of warm beaches in paradise,¡± he whispered.

    ¡°Next,¡±.

    The guards grunted at them to get on the painted X marked target. A thick mist hung around extra burnt smolder from the laser aimed directly overhead. Then the electricity loudly sparked.

    ¡°ZAAAAAAAAAAAAP!¡±

    ¡°Poof!¡±

    Everything around them was a blank white canvas. Ratom swayed his arms first inspecting them in the white ether but quickly tried to correct his balance. Mickey tumbled in a panic trying to use the coat as a makeshift parachute that refused to cooperate. The pair drifted apart through an airless chasm of white. No wind, or any other clues told them where they were headed except the screaming butterflies in both stomachs. It could be nothing but a free fall.

    ¡°Smack!¡±

    The two once together came smashing into another flying object mid fall. A freak occurrence en route to their intended destination in this phantom zone. Ratom went from white to black vision knocked unconscious from the impact. The two continued falling through a hole in the cracked sky. The cold air came stinging horribly out of nowhere. As Mickey''s vision faded he angled himself towards his brother in a skydive. They tumbled together toward the white mountains below. A large ice castle cast many lights and shadows across the land in the not so far distance.

    ¡°Thud,¡±

    The small bodies broke the fall smacking into snow. They sank deeper and deeper under the mass of white powdered quicksand. Both remained knocked cold while the snow continued pilling above. The shared coat constricted them like a predatory snake while the pressure of snow was becoming worse. A hole in the jacket had torn, springing a leak of feathers that tickled a noise.

    The feet kicked thrashing on being trapped buried alive. They kicked and kicked again and broke through something on the other side. Mickey fell again, but very briefly this time. From out of a hole in the cavern roof he hit a rock below where his brother already lay knocked out.

    Later on Ratom came too; he clutched his pained forehead, and inspected his surroundings. A small cavern with the whistling winds of winter blowing fair warning outside. In the far opposite corner from him he spotted two frozen outlines frozen.

    Ratom sprang on guard. He began dragging Mickey and passed out, eventually hiding him behind a large stalagmite.The leprechaun crept forward in his rags. He was soon crawling the final distance to the figures. A freezer burned wizard''s robe adorned one of the stiffs, while the other was nothing but a skeleton in large breast plated armor. They both looked to have been dead a decade or more.

    ¡°False alarm hah,¡± he sighed, before collapsing with the danger cleared.

    ¡°I''m not dead yet!¡± said the skeleton coming alive.

    She had the raspy voice of a well smoked woman. Ratom jumped, and began to flee in a panic. He tried to fix his feet to the ice underfoot, but slipped. He crashed on his ass.

    ¡°Do you desire to eat me ghoul?¡± he demanded, crawling away.

    His vision dimmed again from the floor.

    ¡°That''s no way to talk to a lady named Nancy,¡± shot back the skeleton.

    ¡°What about that other icicle next to you, how come he ain¡¯t talking?¡± asked Ratom.

    ¡°Oh goody, has he finally died? Well now I was just getting around to bringing him back, and when I¡¯m done with him I''ll head over and revive any friends you brought here along with you too,¡± announced Nancy, blindly searching across the cavern floor with hands.

    Nancy ran into Ned''s frozen solid body and they both fell into an extinguished fire pit together. She felt him up, then removed a fresh necromancer crystal from the many in her spiked choker. After stabbing the wrong flesh a few times by mistake she hit the bullseye into the dead wizard''s frozen eye.

    "Aghhh.. No I must have died, hopefully this is a bad dream,¡± sputtered Ned, coming to life.

    ¡°Wakey, Wakey, plaything,¡± said Nancy, caressing his face and straddling him.

    ¡°Woah I take back the bad part, but everything else in the statement applies,¡± Ned moaned.

    ¡°Later if you are a good boy now use your eyes and help me see,¡± she said, rolling off and climbing to her feet.

    ¡°Of course let me give you a hand,¡± said Ned, trying to force one part of his body to sit, and the rest to stand at attention.

    Ratom sprinted towards where Mickey was in hiding. Near the caves exit the blizzard howled blowing some of the weather inside. Mickey¡¯s eyes looked into the eye of the storm while cradling a bloody head slumping against the wall. He hit it someplace on the journey soaking it in ugly dreams while he convulsed.

    ¡°We need to find a way out quick,¡± Mickey yelled, running forward.

    ¡°What for?¡± the other groaned unable to stand.

    The two zombies began slowly dragging themselves towards the only exit. Ratom bandaged the leaky head with torn fabric. He raised his lethal weapons for the final showdown.

    ¡°Stay away from us dead, I''m a player and no witches can ever mess with me,¡± yelled the leprechaun, throwing up his fists in show of bravado.

    The dead wizard with white eyes had skin turned black, blue, and stuck with frostbite. A finger was missing, while a full set of teeth revealed as he curled stiff upper lip. He continued groaning while he snapped a frozen arm into place. The armored skeleton behind him blindly felt up the wall, and used to pull herself forward.

 23: Augmented & Lobotomized Killer Cannibal

    Edward was consumed by a flaming rage against himself and society. He had been born too different as a child. Cursed as the twelfth child born under the same number of crystals. This was deemed a massive threat to the kingdom''s customs and security due to prophecies from ancient texts causing a mass moral panic among the dumbest.

    The Nobles tried their best to correct this mistake, or at least hide it best they could with spiritual healing and discipline, but things didn''t change. No matter what they tried things wouldn''t give with the hysterical protesting public. They tried shipping him to other locations in secret, but riots always seemed to break out not long after. The situation eventually escalated into signing away the young child to the zealots in a deal to calm the peace and gain more control over the church. Neither the torturing, or elimination of political enemies could stop the growing rebellion if they hadn''t done it.

    Thus Young Edward was thus sent to a spiritual boot camp designed for him alone. There the beatings increased, he was hunting trips to man him up, then kept up all night and then paraded in front of judges as a demon. Soon the kingdom''s woods were empty from the mass slaughter of animals by the boy who remained a national embarrassment. As he grew so did an increasing body-count of both men, and women.

    Years later the fully grown Edward indulged in fulfilling the fears about him. Having slayed a great many of his uncles, cousins, aunts, brothers, sisters, and thousands of bland unrelated extras before escalating to his father. He would soon complete the wipe of many more who shared his blood while increasing his cooking skills to maximum level. They would be purged, and power would be consolidated and his restaurant chain massively expanded for a monopoly income while hiding the bodies.

    Instead of being the one who was bent to their authority and customs he had turned the tables to serve himself. If only they had shown him a level of basic respect as a child this all could have all been avoided., but now society would enjoy consuming his meaty arts.

    ¡°You can stuff these two together into some kind of scene. I love your work so I trust your vision to not do something too tacky Bill,¡± Edward instructed the taxidermist.

    ¡°Yes King,¡± bowed the plump man dressed in full furs under a buckskin apron covered in filth.

    His cheeks were bright red and nose chipped away from past frostbite underneath a massively fluffy cap strapped under his chin. Bill grabbed hold of a huge handle and pulled it back using his back. There was a hiss while hinges creaked and frozen condensation blew out the opening like a freight train. The atmosphere rapidly dropped below ice cold. A freezer full of stuffed critters among the blocks cooling them was revealed.

    ¡°Brr man you always somehow find a way to keep your places colder than the outside environment,¡± groaned Edward, flexing his hook while being kind enough to keep behind a safe enough distance following the man inside.

    ¡°Yup like clockwork I¡¯m set up first at the most remote outposts making a killing and from the heat warming these snowbanks i¡¯ll be here for awhile,¡± laughed Bill, pushing a trolley cart aside.

    There was something large undercloth taking up the entire backend of the ice box. They stood over an operating table inspecting the stuffed bodies of the slain yeti, and the failed assassin in a freezer room.

    ¡°Look at this,¡± Bill said, throwing away the sheet covering up the large object.

    Behind the curtain was revealed a miniature display of dolls partially constructed of a roundtable.

    ¡°So we mold a roundtable of my greatest hits,¡± smirked Edward, almost cutting off his own hand by initially trying to clap in a burst of excitement.

    ¡°You got it, want to do payment installments?,¡± asked Bill.

    ¡°No, let''s figure out the total I owe outside, but I love it,¡± replied Edward.

    Edward left the building after paying with the confident stride of a well seasoned killer. It was time to visit his mother one final time, before he returned to the real world for a final mission of genocide. He motioned a rallying cry to his loyal Knights waiting outside the hastily constructed outpost.

    There were big gaps in the slapped together tree trunks built into a fence around six big buildings owned by different companies selling different things including housing. A piano player tingled the keys inside a parlor while a drummer slapped down a brush. Past the redlights the other end of the small fort had the place to sell your collected furs, ores, or pawn a brought heirloom if all your luck here had gone bust. A crowd partied inside while outside somebody froze in despair too drunk to care.

    ¡°Let''s ride,¡± Edward screamed, climbing onto his sled.

    The convoy of Knight followed his lead, as the King whipped his dogs. A day''s travel from the base camp en route back to the Queens crystal ice castle. Love this novel? Read it on Royal Road to ensure the author gets credit.

    The curtains behind Edwards eyes had long been shuttered to show him his reflection. Now all others would finally see from him what it had trained him to be. The new royal anthem played to drive them through the snowstorm. A distorted guitar that sounded like a rabid dog set to drums and the recorded screams of his enemies.

    In the newly declared Capital what remained of Queen Elizabethy the 13th lay on her throne. She moaned in pain being a bag of bones from crystal abuse and lack of food. Snaggy kept a keen observation with one eye peeking around the corner to her slumber. He had tried pushing food on her, but that was the opposite of the pusherman she desired.

    ¡°Queen, Queen,¡± he meekly muttered.

    She remained in a daze with her eyes glazed into the mirror, forcing the jester to become more bold and finally enter the throne room.

    ¡°QUEEEN!¡± he finally screamed.

    She weakly lifted her pale face showing burned out eyes that had little gas in the tank. Snaggy couldn¡¯t help making an ugly face of disgust, but she evidently did not notice.

    ¡°WHAT? Can¡¯t you see I''m resting here you fool¡± she gasped, unable to attack him or breathe fully anymore.

    ¡°I have good word from my little crows that the prince you marked for death is heading here, your plans to assassinate him have failed and now he wants to return the favor,¡± sighed Snaggy.

    "Don''t let him in here, instruct the guards to capture or kill on sight" she said, gently lifting a nostril to hoover a plate painted with vegetables. ¡°Pfft how many troops does he have a dozen knights while I have moved the entire capital guard headquarters here let the loser try an attempt on my life,¡± she boasted.

    A white line was loudly snorted, and she sunk into the throne.

    "Very well, but you realize the guard for such a large castle is a skeleton crew with somewhere under ten thousand and only a hundred knights ourselves," said the Jester bowing as he gulped in air.

    ¡°That Farcin slow teleporting is driving me mad!¡± screeched the Queen, breaking things.

    ¡°I hope you feel better,¡±.

    ¡°WHAT WAS THAT?¡± she asked, throwing away an empty king-size container of crystal powder.

    ¡°No..thing,¡± stuttered Snaggy.

    ¡°You ring the bell and muster the troops to organize into a well oiled machine to defend these walls now!¡± ordered Queen Elizabethy the 13th.

    Snaggy was on the retreat dodging a thrown pepper shaker after she had already smashed salt everywhere that he somersaulted through. He climbed down the walls

    ¡°Yes your majesty, I''m going to become the best general we''ve got,¡± gulped Snaggy, sliding away down a drainpipe.

    Nearby sleighs carrying heavy artillery had been positioned behind the tree line. King Edward''s men dialed in the angles for the Magma cannons into range of the ice castle. This plan had been set in motion for much longer, but today it was being executed. Edward stared into the ever present moon to try and guess the hour. There wasn¡¯t much time left for his mother to lay claim to the throne. Her undivided focus on cultivating here had become an addictive obsession that had left a power vacuum in normal government functions. With a wave of King Edward¡¯s hand the guns began to rain onto the fortress.

    Inside the castle fire, and oil rained before melting the environment. It spread after exploding, coating the Queen¡¯s men caught in the crossfire. They burned alive while the large structure of ice cracked apart falling in chunks.

    Snaggy ran two and fro in a mad dash to keep the men on the walls in order. One wall had already collapsed in the center. The fool took a running leap just clearing the gap. The men had fled their rotating cannons, so Snaggy removed his whip and chased after them into the keep. Eventually dragging out enough to keep up the defense.

    Edward had always been a big fan of the backdoor. In this case his infiltrators played cards in the dungeon waiting for the shots to calm. They drank schlock, and laughed at the screams above. The Queen had proven not to be able to handle her crystals. King Edward was too ruthless to fail, and they worshiped him for it. He would be their leader to burn down the useless royal family who were just as cruel but far more lazy and hypocritical. The new government would at least give them the chance for those without royal genes to have some power.

    The Queen had been sobered enough by the explosions to rise. She hobbled down the freezing hall shivering with each step. She was in a present enough state of mind to know a slip and fall would break the beautiful skinny figure she had put so much effort in achieving. Eventually the teleportation room was only a few steps away. Inside the last Elf here waited behind the control panel.

    "Hurry hurry," she cried a mess from the pad.

    Above and around here a mass of wires ran all connecting to the large teleportation crystal aimed above her head.

    "Teleports too hot" the Elf said with neither expression nor emotion as most do.

    "I didn''t pay you to teleport all your friends out of here first and lock me out until you finished!" she cried, stamping her foot down.

    "Too bad unless you''ve educated yourself on the science of this stuff " said the Elf, turning a knob..

    "BOOM!"

    A large explosion rocked outside the corridor. Then the cry of men going to war could be heard. Screams, shouts and metal on metal.

    "Hurry" cried the Queen,

    Her eyes lit up for the first time in a long time with genuine emotion. Fear overwhelmed her, as the door creaked open. Edward entered covered in blood. A stream of red dripped from his smirking fangs, as well as his sharp crystal hook.

    "Hello mother" he called to her wiping off the hook on a jacket of clubbed baby seals.

    His sharpener right arm gave off a lens flair.

    She wobbled and collapsed onto the floor. He approached the husk of a woman, with hair transformed white as snow in a second. Edward stepped over the final fallen obstacle in becoming King of humans. The next objective was for him to become Emperor of Tenare.

 24: X-Ray Visions

    Jed groaned straining to lift a bucket of slop over top of the makeshift fence. The overflowing contents began to slowly pour out splattering on his jeans through slits in the pallets nailed together. The mixed liquid puree feed of maze, raked blueberries full of leaves and crab apples dripped into the troth over the waiting ears of filthy formerly wild hogs. The animals fought and squealed to feed now tamed.

    ¡°Another fine farming day is almost done, and soon we will head home for a fresh shine eh Mule,¡± said Jed, tossing away the bucket for tomorrow.

    Jed who leaned against the fencing listening to the hogs struggled to breath through their stuffed mouths.

    ¡°I¡¯m a dry animal these days, too good for schlocky trash,¡± said Mule, tasting some of the pig slop that had spilled over the divide. ¡°This stuff is better for you health wise,¡±.

    Jed began amateurishly whistling a folk tune picked up somewhere in youth. Mule grunted, lagging behind the winding jungle path. It had become well worn from the grind of everyday chores for months. Jed latched the chickens in their hut, and then the trapped ducks into pens made from industrial medium metal shipping boxes.

    Towering above the comforting presence of the collapsed mess of a home base. A train derailed into a maze stack from a fall from the tracks. The donkey, and man had been using their intelligence to repurpose everything pulled from the train wreck into farming, and other survival equipment. If only they had more helping hands to help build they could afford some leisure time away from the bare necessities. Their car project was being sidelined and taking what must have been well over a hundred days to get started.

    The clearing grew much bigger ahead around the base camp. Both sides of the property were lined with garden fencing constructed out of rusted wires, rope, and sheet metal scraps to keep out the vermin. One such pest darted from a hole in the ground. A plump winged squirrel that spirited into the dark shadows after having failed a go at getting through the wires. The orange sunsets lit a rapidly darkening picture across the lawn cast from the horizons.

    ¡°Smack!¡±

    ¡°Oof,¡± A coconut hit Jed¡¯s back, knocking him on his ass.

    Mule helped him to his feet and they both ran for cover of the train cars. The trees became angry with taunting monkeys high in the branches throwing every kind of nut at them. Their, shreeks, laughs, barks and hollering echoed making it twice as scary.

    They had almost made it to the front door when something smacked Mule startling him. Jed fell inside the safety of the container.

    ¡°Gah get the door Mule,¡± said Jed clutching his noggin. ¡°Ahh my head pounds something fierce like the gates of noise are being continuously slammed into my ears,¡± he moaned.

    Outside the monkeys had seemed to stop their games with the loss of the target. While Mule looked strangely pissed staring into the dark forest outside.

    ¡°Put yourself together quickly man for far more dangerous things are heading straight here for us through the jungle,¡± said Mule, calmly entering the dwelling and standing to attention. He somehow bolted the locks behind him using his tail.

    ¡°And how do you know this danger lurking in the very hairy forest out there oh Mule is different from the usual suspects?¡± asked the waving Jed. ¡°There''s the maddening and then eventual death of me. I have long accepted this fate yet fight on against it anyway for sport¡± he had grown tired and sunk into a corner in the kitchen.

    ¡°These mechanized Knights looking for your scalp best get more prepared than the usual tigers, lions and bears,¡± cautioned Mule.

    "Damn it I hope not. Sigh whatever danger lurks around the next bend, trusted steed are you a fortune teller?¡± asked Jed who then sighed.

    ¡°From my keen sense of smell, and a naturally occurring mutation of X-ray vision from being conceived in a crystal mine," said Mule, with a nod and a wink.

    "That explains everything strange and unusual with you" said Jed strapping on his looted glowing light power armor underpowered due to the makeshift crystal power battery much worse than the original. If you stumble upon this narrative on Amazon, it''s taken without the author''s consent. Report it.

    " I can see that there is an  army regiment coming here to reclaim this train. It¡¯s time to get to our mobile death racing machine. It¡¯s time for a new adventure Jed,¡± announced Mule, before grabbing his friend and pulling him up with a soft bite of his mouth.

    ¡°I trust you, and this here was only supposed to be a temporary farm, but how it sucks to lose all our hard work to start again. Say how long do you figure we have before they''re on my doorstep?¡± asked Jed again, coming to his senses.

    ¡°No time for nothing else but to run. We got less than 15 minutes to get to the garage and burn rubber away from the waves of incoming enemies,¡± Mule yelled.

    ¡°Let¡¯s go,¡± yelled Jed, sliding his sword in the sheath, and making sure a Magma tipped arrow was ready for his bow.

    The empire men cut through the trees by whipping their slaves who then used machetes. More civilized men nearby used large flamethrowers to burn away the vines, and burdock. Their all terrain lifted wagons slowly followed with crystal floodlights penetrating deep into the surrounding jungle so that nothing could hide. This mission was to scout for traitors, clean the train¡¯s carcass for materials, and share 5% of the looting profits. This accident was derailed due to sabotage in the war. There were too many wars going on to figure out the culprits apparently, but whoever the bastards responsible had sabotaged the tracks. The words they had heard on the communication crystal had briefed them all the details surrounding this scrapping mission.

    ¡°General Funkatron we have eyes on our prize in the clearing ahead, and it looks like somebody has made it a home too,¡± said the underling doing the blue salute.

    ¡°Alright clear it out, take the train for all her scrap, and capture those around for questioning at once,¡± announced general Funkatron with a wave of his commanding arm.

    ¡°Yes sir,¡± was called as the siege on the compound commenced.

    The soldiers approaching in the first wave were the specially armored scrapper squad. Slow creaking tin cans marching through the jungle in clunky suits. These elite Knights found themselves outfitted with hilariously expensive to produce crude iron exoskeletons powered by crystal fuel, hydraulics and gears. One of the arms had what looked like an industrial can opener attachment while the other a crusher claw like a lobster. T

    The first in line began slicing a hole in a train using his can opener. While sparks flew others walked further along to make more openings. The crusher ripping and tearing into the first train car in their path.

    ¡°Clang!¡±.

    A round circle of metal was pulled out falling flat into the snow. The place had been successfully breached.

    ¡°Get in there,¡± said the scrapper pulling back from the opening to let infantry trickle inside.

    ¡°VROOM¡±

    ¡°VROOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!¡±

    ¡°BOOM!¡±

    In came Jed, and Mule plowing through. The cars'' rotating guns cleared army men who went scattering. A man trapped in a tin can was left crumpled on the street as the car ran off.

    ¡°Nice kill back there soldier¡± said Mule.

    ¡°Right, I''m back in that mode operation, and who knows if I will ever come back this time¡± said Jed shifting gears.

    The blue electric crystal turbo charged infusion of 8 magma cores was a beastly engine. The car flew forward drifting around a muddy bend. Mule put on his shades.

    ¡°Get them!¡± yelled Funkatron injured, and muddy from the ditch where he had fallen.

    ¡°Where should we go, Mule who can see things through?¡± asked the driver.

    ¡°Just go with the flow Jed, and where we end up we will explore the paths we are offered¡± said Mule, his tongue hanging out the window.

    ¡°Bah I can¡¯t stand letting another entity take the wheel. I am here still relatively young and still with my own free will¡± gasped Jed downshifting before drifting again.

    ¡°When you get around my years you will discover worrying about those kinds of choices is time wasted. Take advice from someone with far more time behind, and in front of him. Just worry about surviving¡± said Mule, continuing to drool.

    ¡°Baah again from a drooling farm animal at heart you can¡¯t ever imagine the human condition. No matter how much magic infuses you it will still confuse you¡± said Jed.

    ¡°True being paralyzed with overthinking while the hourglass runs regardless is always a tough thing to figure¡± said Mule.

    ¡°Shut up asshole,¡± said Jed.

    ¡°How about two buggies coming in hot so ready with your guns to fire¡± said steed.

    Sure enough the cars came roaring in behind blinding them with crystal headlights. Jed rotated his gun turret swivel.

    ¡°Bang, bang, bang, bang¡±

    A volley of bullets penetrated the first buggy before the other swerved behind a mound of manure. The pursuing vehicle filled with bullets smashed into a redwood blowing up into an explosion. Jed returned to the road where he saw the train tracks and a road running along them.

    ¡°So yes we have but one path forward, and thus nothing to burden our minds with too much thinking of other outcomes¡± said the man.

    ¡°If everything is good and lucky the universe seemingly keeps things simple¡± said Mule.

    The cars headlights followed the trail marked by metal tracks beside the burning foliage.The engine roared into light provided by four full moons. It began to rain, as the jungle burned behind them.

 25: Jungle Juice Trucking

    The muscle car roared like a lion. It stalked the road running through cattails, before tearing up moss and fiddleheads. The hunk of metal jumped out of the ditch scaring grazing gazelles while before continuing airborne. The vehicle slammed itself across the dirt road coming dangerously close to swiping the slowest of the group.

    The car''s hood smoked profusely after driving all night long without a break in the action. Its energy stone had never been fully charged in the ancient garage they had discovered it rusting in.  It was an unfortunate fact that just like everything else batteries slowly stopped functioning as well after years of neglect in particular and this one needed a replacement ASAP.  After the relatively short escape, the energy gauge was flashing towards the end of its life.

    The supplies in the cargo hold remained in limited reserves due to being ambushed without time to pack anything substantial behind their survival kits.The attacking Knights had seemed only interested in cashing in on easy scraps like metal to melt and low tier wanted bounties like him. Jed pondered how much he was worth both dead or alive. At least they hadn¡¯t gotten a free double dipping in taking him and the scrap from what he had called home back there. Jed knew he was a wanted man that many knights, soldiers, and other underlings would recognize his identity on site. They had to stay far away from anywhere populated. As well as military bases where his picture would be shot on sight.

    The morning birds flew overhead chirping. The only thing separating the road from the surrounding wild grass was length and the occasional spot of gravel. They puttered up a hill riding in the deep jungle camouflage vehicle that had previously saved their asses.

    Mule pulled his snout back inside from the open window from which it had been hanging for fresh crisp air. The passenger seat had never been installed so he had plenty of room to squeeze in between the roll bars.

    ¡°We made it due to your tremendous skill behind the wheel there buddy, but hey uh where do you intend to drive now?¡¯ the talking animal asked, chewing on a reed he had brought in his riding sack.

    ¡°I think we better hope there¡¯s a town coming up with an auto parts, and gun store. Hey before I go digging for a map, why can¡¯t you use that super power of yours you know to find help,¡± said Jed, elbowing his friend for information while stopped at an intersection of two country roads.

    ¡°Yeah well unfortunately my energy levels have fallen too low for that right now, but later if I see any town I''m planning on skipping it, and advising you do the same for without sounding paranoid forget it son if you want to stay living,¡± warned Mule, as his hoof bent unnaturally for a donkey to bring a coffee cup to his snout. ¡°Blah that¡¯s a hundred years old blah,¡± it spit back into the container in disgust.

    ¡°Hey, how about shutting that trap to conserve my nerves if you can''t be of help!¡± yelled the driver, swerving a sharp bend in the overgrown road.

    ¡°You could live in a monastery for a thousand years and they still couldn¡¯t make a monk out of you,¡± said Mule grinning.

    ¡°Enough!¡± yelled Jed, smacking the steering wheel to drive home his dammand.

    ¡°Okay Jed, but where do you intend to get the money for these very expensive items? Are we going to be doing a stick-up?,¡± prodded Mule.

    ¡°Shut up.. No robberies,¡± said Jed.

    Mule''s point proved he remained silent as they continued to ride. He thought it funny how a man who claimed to give a damn about free will let himself be so totally controlled by his emotions.

    The road had grown muddy like the contents of a pig pen. A steep downhill before a stone bridge sat over some kind of river. Jed gripped the wheel straining to concentrate on holding her steady as they barrelled through the sink. Mule braced himself and looked forward as they continued to gain speed. The bridge was coming in hot.

    ¡°Watch out for that bridge bump!¡± yelled the passenger.

    ¡°Too late,¡± said Jed.

    The race car hit the ramp leading to the stone bridge, and everyone went airborne again. Jed looked down as they flew high crossing over the river, and then to the other side of the train tracks.

    ¡°SPLASH.¡±

    They crashed off the tracks into a swampy bog. Mule spit out swamp water standing in the thick of it. Jed struggled to force the door open trapped by water pressure. The liquid began gushing in through the heaters. He remembered that the car never had a working door and grabbed hold of the window crank.

    ¡°I¡¯m gonna go are you good Mule?¡± he yelled, fully focused on retracting the window to escape.

    In gushed the lilies, and thick blankets of green algae overgrowing in the pond mixed into a muddied soup by the crash flooding through the openings.

    ¡°Great, just great,¡± said Jed, seconds before being fully underwater and starting to climb out the window.

    ¡°Splash."

    ¡°He-haw,¡± said Mule from the passenger seat, kicking on the door.

    A spray of water that looked like it came from a small whale smashed inside flooding everything. The donkey seemed to flow together forming an easy escape out of the water. Jed held his breath squeezing himself through the half opened window. It was taking forever to get his chest through and his heart was racing. He couldn''t see anything but himself in the clouds of muck stirred up from the vehicles impact. He felt back into the car and cranked the window all the way down with kicking motions, then slithered to safety. He exploding out the surface. Jed spit water out his mouth while more dripped off his mangy thinning hair covered in kelp he swiftly wiped away.

    ¡°No kidding, back in soldier mode now huh, on second thought I shouldn¡¯t have warned you so much about the heat we¡¯re under,¡± said Mule at the surface.

    ¡°Come on, let''s get going to solid ground and stop treading water," said Mule, nearing the beach.

    ¡°Never mind all that nonsense man wet is wet..splutter.. something got me,¡± said Jed, as he was pulled back underwater.

    ¡°Splash.¡±

    Mule dove under to save Jed who thrashed his arms while his legs remained constricted. He couldn''t see what was attacking him in the murky pond due to the algae. Suddenly he dragged straight to the bottom. There he was spooked motionless, held together by a large snake-like creature slowly cutting off his body''s circulation from below. Of all the things to kill him, he was gonna be drowned, and feasted on by an ordinary giant eel, but fortunately for him four hooves kicked down to the rescue.

    The predator wrapped around its prey became the one in trouble. Mule turned around looking to get set at the perfect angle, then he kicked and kicked. The eel hit in the head by two hoofs recoiled away, fading into a thick green mat of plant growth as a gruesome smoothie. Jed was out cold. Mule grabbed onto his tunic with a soft bite and pulled him to the surface. The donkey was a good swimmer. Jed¡¯s body quickly found itself drying on a beach in the morning heat. A space crab laid its eggs behind a rotten stick of driftwood.

    ¡°There we go,¡± said Mule, slinging Jed to his back.

    Mule being without thumbs, had his own ass backwards ways of doing things. He had not wanted to frighten Jed so he had kept him in the dark about the deadliest predator for of all the strange things that stalked the underbrush the tigers remained kings of killing. A strict lone beast culture of stripes, discipline, knowledge gathering and never knowing love. Tigers were something you either successfully avoided or died in the process. The ordinary cats on Tenare were deadly enough.

    The path traveled under the trees, vines and shrooms that hung overhead of exposed roots carved into the woods. A place where gentle mist rose off the fauna from the evaporating water. A hummingbird purred close as a woodpecker worked a tree job far off. The monkeys remained uncharacteristically quiet. Perhaps something was different in this area of the jungle filled with a fallen mixture of needles, and spores. So somebody had to be dwelling nearby, and using the pond as their water supply. Around the next bend Mule came face to face with another donkey chained to a redwood.

    ¡°Howdy,¡± said the other donkey.If you stumble upon this narrative on Amazon, it''s taken without the author''s consent. Report it.

    ¡°Hey mister I take it there¡¯s a village nearby?¡± asked Mule.

    ¡°What¡¯s it to ya huh?¡± asked the other donkey.

    ¡°My friend and I are in need of a lot of assistance, uh getting our sunken car pulled from the ditch.. Why can¡¯t ya see he''s passed out here,¡± said Mule, circling around her like a shark.

    ¡°I ain¡¯t a mister, mister, but there is somebody around these parts if you pay for it,¡± said the mangy donkey exposing a hairless neck on account of a collar placed on too firm.

    The beast began to scratch her dry back bone on a rigid rock near the tree that was chained. A mist of dead skin cells flew into the wind with each rub.

    ¡°You want a little piece of the pie I''ve looted on my adventures, miss?¡± inquired Mule, raising an eyebrow before turning his vision to the .

    ¡°Yes please,¡± gulped the other donkey, stopping the process of scratching.

    ¡°You must serve somebody eh? We will pay whoever it is handsomely for both of your help in order to pull us out of this rock and a hard place we have submerged ourselves into. Can you go get them?¡± said Mule.

    ¡°I¡¯m afraid the master is on vacation leaving me chained between this rock and tree,¡± said the donkey.

    ¡°I see you''re in the same kind of predicament we are. Would you want me to cut you free, and join our journey,¡± said Mule.

    ¡°Nope, The work I know is the work I know and I like it that way, now just give me something valuable and leave me be,¡± said the donkey.

    Mule approached, and set down a small teleportation stone next to two half empty water and food dishes labeled ¡°Jenny¡±.

    ¡°You know how to use one of these teleports in case he doesn''t ever come back. This one this small isn''t much to take you a distance just outside your shackles,¡± said Mule.

    ¡°Ooooh shiny, it¡¯s so pretty,¡± she said, inspecting her newest jewel.

    ¡°Hey Jenny, where can I find the town?, by the way name Mule¡± said Mule.

    ¡°Huh, how do you know my name?¡± she asked, confused.

    ¡°Never-mind where''s town?¡± said Mule.

    ¡°You look like trouble,¡± she said, twisting a hoof into the soil.

    Mule left her on the path with Jed strapped to his back. He did leave one more offering of small green luck crystal behind in front of her to bring good fortunes. Ten minutes later the lights of the  distant village beckoned them as dusk approached.

    Getting closer the scent entered Mule''s nostrils long before his hoofs did. The overpowering pollution of heavy citrus dilution only became stronger as the path grew closer. The powerful stench was enough of a combination to wake Jed. He sputtered alive, falling off his stead and onto his ass.

    ¡°What on Tenare is that overpowering essence, some kind of poison cloud comes to choke us out?¡± coughed Jed, sputtering on the damp leaf covered floor he fastened a shirt over his nose and mouth.

    ¡°We¡¯ve got no choice but to march forward for their stinking help,¡± said Mule.

    He barreled forward shutting off smell receptors with a mind of stubborn pride. From where he lay Jed spotted a half visible trip wire reflecting as Mule pulled it with one leg.

    ¡°Nooo!¡± yelled Jed.

    The jungle came alive as a net below sitting camouflaged pulled itself tight. Jed and Mule flew up smashing together in a tight net triggered by carelessness. They found themselves caught in the same trap while swaying to and forth between the trees.

    ¡°This isn''t a good place to find ourselves snared trusted steed, Out here outside the domains of civilized men and women cannibals feed,¡± cried Jed, rocking.

    Finally he found his commando knife and started cutting.

    "Oh man, good on saving us again," said Mule.

    The pair came tumbling to the ground where they rolled together in pain. A crowd of many sharp spear tips formed a wall near their faces. Jed froze seeing the outlines of Crazins behind the weapons.

    The captives found themselves paraded into the center of the village. A place of multistory rock huts fastened together with some sort of clay cement. In one area the huts were much nicer than all the others. Further on the feeding area where a large snake was being chopped into food, a court to play some sort of ball based game, and then a palace or ritual area in the center fastened with human skulls with crystals put into their eyes. A large pool of bubbling orange took up the town center. The citrus stank was so funky Jed gagged involuntarily as they went by.

    Man and Mule found themselves gently guided to the base of palace steps where they were left alone.

    ¡°Hello jungle friends, are you ready for today''s show?¡± called an amplified voice from above as the light show began.

    The crowd behind them let out a ravenous applause as drums pounded along. The many flashing lights were accompanied by fireworks. Another human was pushed on stage covered in nothing but tiger stripes, and bones covering his bone. The crowd began to drool.

    ¡°At least if we are eaten it will be in style,¡± said Mule laughing at the spectacle.

    ¡°Ain¡¯t it awful being doomed,¡± sighed Jed.

    ¡°It¡¯s called gallows humor for a reason buddy,¡± replied Mule.

    ¡°Tribe today we welcome our savers here, as we have sacrificed enough souls unlocking the achievement just in time to get their help as well,¡±

    ¡°Now to clear the citrus orchids, then truck, truck, truck our juice in a big rig loaded across the kingdom in record time for the first ever wedding between us and a royal family member to be revealed,¡± said the Crayzin host, glowing blindingly purple.

    The crowd went wild loudly cheering ¡°drink,drink,drink,¡± The host began to sing as a spotlight focused onto Jed, and Mule. The donkey enjoyed the spotlight while the man shyly shrunk away.

    ¡°No more drought, now we drink!'''' screamed the leader, triggering a soundboard of air horns, cowbells, and explosions.

    ¡°What did we just get signed up for?¡± Jed stammered in shock.

    ¡°Who knows, stop complaining about a good thing, just keep your mouth shut even if they want something really awful like us to wear the outfit of that other human, but even then hey at least it¡¯s better than getting eaten¡± whispered Mule.

    Jed was rolling his eyes the entire time. He turned around as the crowd swarmed the pool behind them cupping the orange juice from hands lowered to the pull to then gulp into their mouths. Jed winced as an ancient tribe member in a loincloth licked all he could eat off the dirty floor.

    Mule pulled on Jed¡¯s arm turning him back around. The purple chief waved at them descending the steps.

    ¡°Welcome to the village my name is Travis,¡± he said.

    He extended both arms shaking a hand and hoof at the same time.

    ¡°Nice to meet you, I''m Mule, and Jed,¡± said Mule, offering to shake his hoof.

    They shook on it, and Jed followed with a hard grip. With no other choice they had become clay figures to be molded for whatever the tribe needed.

    ¡°You have heard of the missions that will be done for us. So what favors can I return for you before you must go to task?¡± said Travis, showing them into his pad.

    They pulled up stumps at a dining room table molded from fungus. Around them stirpes hung to the walls, and the floor was covered in burned boards.

    ¡°It looks like you have more than enough of your own people out there, so why oh why do you need us so badly?¡± demanded Mule.

    ¡°Good question, as you know the Empire loves schlock, but the Crayzin tribal tradition calls for Jungle Juice instead of that shit. We are outlawed from its production but produce it in open secret anyhow for our religious customs. Of course we are under constant watch; it''s just inept and corrupt, but closer to the capital we can¡¯t pass checkpoints you see for people''s fear of being a snack,¡± explained Travis, while he lit candles.

    It grew silent while the leader fiddled with his lighter.

    ¡°Speaking of juice, this one''s right back to finish infodumping,¡± said the chief, storming off.

    The room they sat in had everything made of animal parts. The draps, and couch were leather,  and so was the lamp shade hung over two femurs glued together.

    ¡°Anyway we need you to drive a tanker loaded with Jungle juice to our sister tribe past the Madlands for a wedding much closer to the Kingdom. None of the needed ingredients grows anywhere overthere, and production is much much easier to get away with rurally. Lot more to eat though Ahem anyway there is a very important wedding happening between my daughter, and the other tribe''s son. This premium cocktail of juice will be my gift to them, our tribe has collectively brewed it with as much love as we can muster¡±'' said the leader, lighting a candle.

    He sat down between them, putting a hand to pat each head.

    ¡°Also that lousy looking car of yours was contaminating the water we use for production of our drinking supply so currently it''s being fixed up for you in the tribal garage¡± he finished, showing a picture of a tanker.

    ¡°What is that? A stick shifting 16 wheeler crystal hauler loaded with jungle juice is well outside my wheelhouse. I will need training,¡± said Jed.

    Travis went to speak but Mule cut him off at the first syllable.

    ¡°That means the machine has 24 tires man, but I''ll drive it. I might not look it but I¡¯ve done just about everything for crystal, and that includes lots of driving rigs of all sizes and even barges. When it comes to the art of smuggling and trucking I''m a pro,¡± Mule butted in.

    ¡°Good to hear, but first you will need to go with our warriors to free an occupied citrus grove for ingredients, and tomorrow you will be trucking away on an incredible adventure of a lifetime,¡± said Travis, whose many skulls almost looked like they were smiling along with him.

    "I will drive ahead in my death dealing machine clearing the path for the attack," said Jed.

    The soldiers patrolled the citrus farm making sure the workers were picking enough fruit. The trees sprawled row after row as far as the eye could see. Every twelve rows a new fruit tree variety. At the front of the farm a big rig hauler was being loaded with fruit from a mobile conveyor as the workers dumped buckets of harvest.

    "Boom!"

    The rock wall on a far corner was blown in with a massive explosion. Jed sped into the hole in the wall plowing over a soldier, and several small trees. He restarted his engines, tearing off between the rows of fruit while throwing back a stream of dirt. The soldiers out front unlocked the gate, and ran inside the farm to enforce their authority.

    With a bounding leap from a trot Mule was at the big truck. His teeth ripping open the door in a swift flick of the jaw. He got inside, and uncapped the brakes. He shifted the big engine into first gear using his teeth. The Crayzin warriors ran beside the truck to the gate. They locked the baited soldiers inside the farm before climbing onboard. At a nearby guardhouse the two inside found themselves being stabbed many times.

    Mule picked up the receiver connected to the Terp communication crystal onboard with his mouth.

    "Little buddy this is your friend here Mr. Mule letting you know I got the citrus all concentrated in one load,'''' said Mule, using a spare hoof to hold the push to talk on the cupholder.

    The truck''s many wheels flung mud as the pedal hit the metal, and the dirt roadside flew by.

    "Roger buddy be there soon," said Jed before he was cut off by static on the radio.

    He smeared a guard into red paste on the road before blowing a third into meatballs with the car''s cannon. Another explosion rocked the orchid''s rock wall. Jed flew out of the newly minted entrance burning rubber on the cobble street outside. He sped up on spotting Mule hauling ass in the distance with his big rig.

 26: Dead or Alive?

    A group of unlikely allies had collided and remained trapped together deep in the core of the planet Tenare. Ned growled awake from his slumber breaking the ice. He had previously been an alive wizard, but was unfortunately killed off in a previous episode. He had been frozen on hiatus an indefinite amount of time before suddenly he was stabbed to life.

    What stubs remained of his fingers unthawed grabbed at something causing a mild discomfort on his face. It must have been a fly. As one eye opened he could see the other being stabbed with the pointy end of a necromancy crystal leading to Nancy reduced to nothing but her skeleton and armor.

    ¡°Wake up Ned. I suspect this will be the first case of a walking corpse more useful than his living counterpart¡± laughed Nancy, completing the resurrection with a kiss on a nearby rock.

    The Queen had disposed of her into lava from the top of a nearby ice castle. It had burned away a lot of her features including eyesight. After miraculously crawling away from danger it had taken her a while to figure out the lay of the land. Having revived Ned from the dead, and herself nothing but a skeleton wearing royal plotting armor. It was time to find revenge.

    ¡°Ha ha no fear for I have long ago fortified myself from the ill effects of death with crystal vitamins,¡± said Ned rising.

    ¡°Nonsense, you were always dumb and that belief proves it, but I need your eyes to see blah,¡± said Nancy.

    ¡°Oh I''m so sorry,¡± said Ned, dusting the snow off his body.

    A piece of his frozen wizard robe broke off shattering on impact with the floor. He looked at his arms light blue, and his fingers a dozen freezer burnt sausage stubs. One thumb had become severed completely, and fallen somewhere lost. If being dead had numbed the pain receptors in his mind to this degree what other ways had he been impacted?

    ¡°It is what it is, but what about a plan on getting back to warmer weather where all the brains are to snack on¡± stammered Ned, over a stomach growling.

    "Useless frigid brains you have, we must grow our numbers until we can overrun the kingdom.." She folded her bones over chest, and inhaled like a venomous cobra ready to pounce. "Blah if I knew of an escape I wouldn''t have revived you,¡± puffed Nancy, toppling Ned¡¯s corpse again by accident.

    There he remained frozen in place. Nancy strutted forward past the extinguished fire pit that the wizard had frozen to death beside. Her hands are out but so far clear going in the cavern pad in the mountains of the core. A frozen landscape where even the dead didn¡¯t like living for very long. The only other thing in the cave was a lot of stalagmites and stalactites forming a maze of spikes taking up a majority of the cavern space and she smacked face first right into one such installation ringing her armor.

    On the opposite end of the cavern the two leprechauns were spooked by the reverberating alarm where they hid. Mickey watched the dead from a distance. Ratom shivered, and quivered hiding under a blanket he had unfolded out of his tophat. They had just fallen into this location from being forced onto an experimental teleportation pad and zapped away into a portal by a giant Farc crystal.

    ¡°We will be like them soon. Ghouls. I''m afraid Mickey brrrr,'''' shivered Ratom, chattering his teeth under the thick covers that seemed to do nothing to stop the cold embrace from seeping into his bones.

    ¡°I will give us a way to get some heat brother. You just stay under heated, and I''ll be right back with it,¡± said Mickey darting away.

    ¡°We''re doomed,¡± whispered Ratom.

    Ratom formed a ball under his blanket, and convulsed around to find the best fold in which to conserve his heat. Meanwhile Mickey winced, taking off his shoe to equip a slippery razor blade. Next he dashed between the various forms of natural cover in CQC mode.

    ¡°Ahh so cute, a little green guy,¡± said Ned fawning over Mickey rolling between cover.

    ¡°I need heat here at once! You there dead provide it before I start slicing, '''' demanded Mickey, jumping out of the shadows and slashing at the air.

    He slashed again this time taking a toe off of the advancing Ned.

    ¡°Behind me there''s a whole lot of little baby magma crystals to stay warm,¡± said Ned, stopping in his tracks.

    ¡°Good info corpse thanks I guess,¡± said Mickey, keeping his eyes on the dead while retrieving the crystals from the floor.Find this and other great novels on the author''s preferred platform. Support original creators!

    He walked backward, not turning his back on the zombies. The cavern was very dimly lit, and it was hard to tell what crystal varieties he had picked up. Mickey cradled an arm load and sprinted back over to his brother. He dumped their lifeline in a pile. A few sparks from the flint let him do a quick sort. It was a lucky moment at least with so much magma he had picked.

    Ratom stuck his head out of his blanket like a turtle upon hearing the first crackles of fire. Micky sparked two together over and over before the rocks caught one after another. The heat quickly spread its embrace, keeping them alive. It was their savior to worship.

    ¡°I hate to be the doomsayer here, but the problem with surviving this place alive is that there¡¯s no food,¡± said the dead wizard lumbering in behind them.

    Ratom jumped from where he lay still using his blanket as a shield from the outside. Nancy put her hands into peace signs where she stood but it was facing the wrong direction towards the back wall. Ned backed off trying to right her direction but not yet accustomed to his rotten muscles he ended up pushing her skeleton over to a crash of metal. Mickey laughed, and his brother smiled.

    ¡°Nancy, watch out where you''re going, what''s wrong with you¡± said the wizard joining in. ¡°Ha ha ha¡± he laughed.

    ¡°I¡¯m the one catching and killing the living food so don¡¯t laugh too hard unless you want to join them,¡± said Nancy knocking dust off her skeleton.

    ¡°Then I''m afraid it is already too late as I was waiting on you to feed me. Originally I remember I went and you brought me back to life¡± laughed Ned.

    ¡°Yes I was caught by the Queen, and intend to take her castle tonight, but first see a hare I have stashed for the first feast,¡± said Nancy, fumbling around. ¡°Show me to the door,¡±

    Ned escorted her a short distance to the cliff edge and panicky, unable to grab her as she continued towards the edge.

    ¡°Help me boys if you want to live,¡± he yelped.

    Ratom stayed put, but Mickey ran out of the cave and grabbed onto her armor at the last second. Rocks fell off the edge while she teetered in the harsh wind. A gust blew them all backwards smashing against the cave walls.

    When everyone was back on their feet the next attempt to brave the elements was made. This time they tied a rope around Nancy and the other end on a natural formation inside the cave. Then they sent her outside to go wild. Ned yelled her directions from the mouth. closer she picked up a frozen rabbit that had been hidden. Ned shook his head.

    ¡°I starved to death and my cure was just outside, never lucky,¡± he cried with empty ducts ¡°My once brilliant mind is fried all because of you witch¡± he called pointing out to somebody who wasn¡¯t looking at him.

    Nancy cackled a smokey cough.

    ¡°If you were so brilliant you wouldn¡¯t have been so dependent on me in the first place to keep living,¡± she laughed, lunging forward, feeling her way further along the wall.

    Ned had the last laugh by lying about untying her.

    ¡°Wow look at the fancy feast she gave us, Ratom. We will eat well tonight¡± said Mickey.

    ¡°Where you nerds at,¡± said Nancy approaching with supper.

    The eager leprechauns guided her bony hands, and the hare directly in the fire. The meat quickly cooked, letting off a mouth watering sent all throughout the cavern. Being nothing but bone Nancy was fire resistant. The leprechauns acted as her eyes while she held the meat in the fire with a firm grip.

    "So have we got any kind of plan for getting out of here yet?" asked Mickey.

    "Revenge is the main course, consider yourself lucky for not being human because my beef is with them. Not sure if I can manage to keep you alive in the process of overturning the Kingdom until nothing remains. " said Nancy.

    They both gulped.

    "Yeah don''t depend on this one, she isn''t a team player," said Ned, shaking his head in the corner.

    "I play for team dead" said Nancy, cackling.

    Her teeth sparkled white while her empty eye sockets showed no light. The dead formed a protective wall from the winds as the party crept to the cave entrance. Outside the northern lights formed bright lights in an area of neutral ground. The Queen¡¯s ice castle sat on an opposite mountain bathed in lights.

    ¡°You are going to need an army of a million dead to take that fortress,¡± yelled Ned.

    ¡°You will take me to cemeteries and crypts said to be located on the highest peak here.. can find it for me,¡± said Nancy.

    Ned turned his attention past the lake, trees, and glacier elements below until he looked in the other direction. There a third dark mountain peak towered over all the rest.

    ¡°I see the mountain but it looks deserted,¡± said Ned.

    ¡°Well there¡¯s said to be an ancient temple where crystal power flows the strongest of anywhere else, and if true will be the key to the castle so I need to go¡± she replied.

    ¡°I don¡¯t have to do anything you tell me to, perhaps I will help these two leprechauns before they meet the same fate as I. '''' Ned shot back.

    ¡°I realize you have no ambitions and would prefer to sit here rotting away in this cave for the rest of time, but this temple is said to be the absolute pinnacle of the power structure of the crystal spirituals going back thousands of years or more where they formed,¡± she began.

    ¡°Oh no of course I won¡¯t let myself rot away here with what promises to be so many artifacts, this is the research of a lifetime holy shit, can we set off there at once?¡± giddily rambled Ned.

    ¡°Take my hand and escort me,¡± announced Nancy.

    ¡°Sorry boys but you''re on your own,¡± said Ned, fumbling to untie the rope he had left tied to her armor, ¡°Uh maybe help me out with this first though please,¡±.

 27: Ambitions as Emperor

    The Elves preferred things unnatural so naturally  no trees or shrubs in the sprawling urban blocks of the city. The streets remained spotless, windless, and unoccupied. Not a fly, tick, or anything else was buzzing around to disturb the peace. What was left of a river trickled through the center under a towering suspension bridge connecting the city all together and eventually leading to a highway with large toll gates on either end, and massive billboard advertisements flanking the sides in order to fund its operation.

    In the center of the city sat a massive pyramid flanked by smaller ones that grew smaller and smaller. On the very top triangle of the biggest structure Elf brains resided. Rumored to be pickled to save them from the disease of old age. The hive minds below it claimed to be their own bosses, but at the end of the day the orders all came from the top of the pyramid. As no two things in elves'' culture could be the same, everything was forced to the list and only the top of the food chain was celebrated. Their ancient culture was rumored to be decided by the same hive-mind currently in control centuries ago albeit with influence from the pawns who had long ago lived below it.

    Elves were far too intelligent to reproduce the way rats, humans, and other species much lower on the tier list did. A baby was something that took years of brainstorming to plan out, and then write up a business contract between the two partners. A lot of things were at stake between the gender-less parties so a lot of precautionary law had to take place first. Sure a lot of this was an excuse, because being a culture of pure individuality the elf society functioned best with as little reproduction, and competition as possible.

    Elves ran businesses, made profit, climbed the pyramids, or focused on an intellectual pursuit that would pay good. The performance of any form of manual labor was strictly outlawed, and punished by a forced resort vacation to forcibly relax. Hard labor was intended for animals with a lower ranking, and made the rest of them look bad. Laws limiting elf babies and affairs with other species meant profits stayed good.

    ¡°ZAAP!¡±

    A violent burst of energy exploding out onto a privatized main street. A newspaper stand was knocked over, and a billboard pleading ¡°Stockpile gold, not crystals¡± burst into green flames. The private human security paid in neither of the above came running to control the commotion. The guard out in front covering his face with his hand to avoid the wafts of black smoke pouring down the alley.

    ¡°I don¡¯t believe the boss-men are paying us to fire brigade,¡± said the guy in the back, stepping back.

    ¡°Cough cough, Lets enjoy what we are dealing with here Gregory, before we have to type the seventy five page incident report for the Elves,'''' coughed the guy in front pushing on.

    ¡°Come on Billy, don''t become a fool on me,¡± said the other guard leaving the alley so he could breathe cleaner air.

    The guard still in the thick of it covered his mouth with a spare sock he brought in a pocket for wet weather. An iron rung fire exit headed above to evacuated apartments, while at ground level their rented bin had been knocked over leaving trash ripped apart all over. Billy actually crept forward with his flashlight as the smoke started to clear in the immediate area. He peered forward straining to see with his smoke stung eyes.

    A bolt of black flashed towards him narrowly missing. Billy belly flopped on the concrete covering his hard helmet with both hands. He turned, his body slowly shaking to see behind him. Right behind his left foot a stack of metal mailbox lockers darkened from the heat and pulsing with electricity. A figure emerged from the alley cradling a bloodied crystal cutting hook in one arm and a woman slung over his other shoulder. King Edward looked down at the guard who had drawn his weapon.

    ¡°I¡¯ve teleported here to save my mother. Do you mind showing me to the plastic surgery clinic?¡± asked Edward, dropping a sack of currency at the grunts feet.

    ¡°Yes at once come with me, oh ah what salute do you prefer sir¡± said the grunt pausing.

    ¡°Oh this is a deluxe mercenary right here, how else can you serve me?¡± asked Edward.

    ¡°I will show you the best Elven steakhouse after you drop her off for the procedure¡± he said, taking out a hand for a split second by instinct, and then quickly hiding it.

    Edward smiled and offered his hook to shake, dangling the offer while looking the man in the eye.

    ¡°I thought they didn¡¯t eat meat,¡± he laughed following his guide.

    ¡°Well it¡¯s technically fake, but so magic you can¡¯t even tell, trust me,¡± stammered the guard.

    ¡°That¡¯s ok I think most restaurants are a rip off and prefer to cook for myself as I have very specific tastes,¡± replied Edward.

    ¡°See down this street here, and then two more blocks to our destination,¡± announced the guard before he stopped talking.

    ¡°Martha, can you please call the surgeon at once. We have an urgent patient¡± yelled Gregory, bursting through the front door with barely enough breath to get it out.

    He was running on empty to the front desk of the clinic, and behind him he heard the door opening. He winced.

    ¡°The doctor will be right to just take a seat please,¡± Martha instructed them from where she was placing a crystal call.

    ¡°I''ll wait outside, '''' said Gregory, rapidly shuffling away from danger.

    Edward carried his unconscious mother to the front desk. A severe addiction to unlimited power had run her ragged. She had wanted the high of cultivating 24/7, and always improving every little part of her being that could be exploited until she was cold as a diamond. It eventually culminated in an extended stay in paranoid seclusion locked away in the core of the planet for many moons. There she sat taking in all things crystal including pills, ice plunges, sleeping on slabs of the stuff, and using it as weights. The strict regimen also included staring at the moon for three hours every morning, following a strict fast, cleaning anytime she wasn¡¯t doing anything, and pacing around double checking areas in the castle where she had previously heard voices.

    Eventually the power grew too much, consuming her lifeforce. She was frail, toothless, loose skin, visible bones, and sunken set eyes with bruised tear ducts completed an ugly picture to him. Even if he had her killed nobody should see her like this.

    ¡°Yes I need you to work your full magical powers here plastic witch surgeon,¡± said Edward dropping his mother onto an operation table.

    ¡°Nice hook there man, and yeah I am thinking about doing six tucks, then implanting a few implants including a new nose entirely, leaching, bloodletting, and injecting a lot of good stuff, oh and saving her life¡± said the doctor sharpening a buck tooth saw with a file.Unauthorized use of content: if you find this story on Amazon, report the violation.

    ¡°Do the best of everything doctor. I want to love my mother again, because her personality already drives me away,¡± demanded Edward.

    ¡°Ha ha, well give me a little down payment here, and another out at the front desk,¡± said the Hobgoblin doctor, starting to cut into his latest project.

    Edward threw bands of crystal to the floor, then more, and more.

    ¡°Do the best that can be bought,¡± said Edward, glancing at the matriarch a final time.

    ¡°Of course,¡± said Dr. Hobgoblin, smiling.

    Outside acid rain fell far overhead the clinic where it was caught by the purple barrier projected over the entire city. Edward loosened his collar with his hand. When he died he planned to have a piece of him pickled in the golden brine found at the top triangle in place of the Elven executive tomb. But first he had to conquer the city and take it for himself. Ultimately chunks cut from Edward the emperor would rule all 12 kingdoms together from different thrones long after his natural life span expired.

    He was still figuring out the finer details, but something like this was the ultimate test of a man''s character. When it came to making a name for himself in the planet''s history you wanted something left behind that was to last forever when the life for humans was one of the shortest around it was hard mode. So much more plotting, killing, and scheming to earn the title of most masterful manipulator of all time.

    ¡°Other human beings where have you run for, don''t you remember I pay well," Edward called, looking for assistance.

    There was an echo of the ruler''s voice, and nothing else. Edward was here to speak to his own Elven council. A law office that he needed to locate, as well as room, and food. He had teleported here straight from the core thanks to those behind the control panel sending him to this location. Later he would teleport with his new lawyer to take the capital throne officially crowned. Edward¡¯s king size boots clobbered down a golden path marking the way to the fingernail, and hairspray district. Further on a skid row where money was counted, tallied and maintained 1-1 with the crystal by the leprechauns, before going back to the vaults somewhere else.

    ¡°No person in sight, doesn¡¯t anyone want to work at night,¡± moaned the King. ¡°If I ruled this place my slaves would be killing it with productivity blah I sound just like my father¡±.

    He kicked a rock into the water as he approached the toll for the river crossing.

    ¡°How much do you want?¡± he asked, pulling up to the tollbooth and out his wallet.

    There was no response, and on closer inspection the post was coin operated. The inserted human change was rejected, and spit back out as a foreign object. Having no other options Edward swiftly limbo-ed under the guard beam. In response an air horn honked while orange and white beams pulsed out from the toll, and additional shrill alarms played behind the blaring lights. The guards swarmed from out the small toll shack four, then six blocking him on the bridge.

    ¡°Drop that weapon immediately trespasser,¡± said a guard taking the front who was equipped with shocking taser gloves powered by wires running to somewhere in his high-tech armor.

    ¡°Ohyou can¡¯t take me for not having any loose change,¡± protested Edward, as he climbed the guard rail.

    The guards stopped and stared before one of them was able to fish out a coin, and raise the automatic toll. They rushed onto the bridge splitting up to search for clues to where Edward had hidden. A light came from the other side of the bridge. Guards charged forward towards it with their weapons drawn. An electric fist came down in the center of the bridge, shocking its target who fell overboard. The light rose revealing a pair of confused mercenaries watching the guy who had come with them being the target of friendly fire.

    ¡°Cool it, cool it!¡± another guard called to calm them.

    The patrol kept a well manned search of the entire bridge for ten minutes with no luck.

    ¡°Where is he? I wonda know, I wonda know tho. If it taint him here where he at?¡± a soldier wondered in a foul accent barely comprehensible to Edward.

    He found himself hanging underneath the bridge wincing, and losing brain cells from the guards'' stupidity. His hook wrapped around an underside stone tit. Edwards'' feet hung with no support over a vast, and steep drop to a dry river bed of death. The former waterway was lined with large sparkling shards of sparkling green clover crystals that would stab him. A demise caused by the rocks brought out to cover the shame of drought for such an advanced species.

    ¡°A man who finds himself humbled by these sorts of cliff hangers doesn¡¯t deserve the crown of king,¡± said Edward.

    He began to swing back and forth gaining momentum from where he remained hooked.

    ¡°Who said that?¡± responded a guard.

    All the mercs swarmed together at the center of the bridge with their backs pressed together. An archer readied a shock stone arrow, while next to him the man in power gloves let off sparks from an overload of amps, and a third had a sword with a button to temporarily activate a defensive shield around the user from the hilt.

    ¡°En guard,¡± said Edward, leaping above the crowd from a vault below.

    His momentum was so great he continued flying overhead until landing much further on the dark side of the bridge.

    ¡°Get him,¡± yelled the guard with a fancy sword running forward.

    ¡°I¡¯m going to do an overkill,¡± taunted the mercenary of electric shock, hanging in the back as the final boss.

    Out of the darkness rolled the man''s lopped off head to the rest of the pack''s feet. The archer blew his first load, missing the dark shadow drawing closer, and closer to them. The next arrow was right on target until Edward carrying the Elf sword popped its defensive shield. The projectile was returned next to the sender, hitting the rail, spouting sparks, and electrocuting three guards touching it all along the bridge. Edward leaped forward in the confusion, raising his hook for the next fight. With no time to think another head came sliced off by sharp instinct, then sliced right through both hands of a reloading archer like butter. The screaming casualty dropped his bow running away leaving a stream of red in his wake.

    ¡°Zap, zap,¡± said the large man in electrocute gloves smacking them together charged in last alive.

    Edwards'' hook met its match against his adversaries'' shock glove. The two combatants exploded in a shock-wave of energy. Both men went flying away from each other''s punches straight off the bridge. One was impaled far below on the green luck crystals exploding in a big ball of electric light, while the other''s hook dragged slowly cutting through a ledge pulling him down. The human king was hooked above a dam, with roaring rapids smashing into his legs once again left dangling. Ice cold water splashed over Edwards body as it squirmed all around momentarily blinded with a spray. He rocked from side to side above where he could die. His hook was well dug in, which meant he wasn''t going anywhere. For better, or for worse.

    ¡°I gotta stay a bit humble I suppose. Ah really this is nothing but a detour ha ha,¡± said Edward, trying to fix his hair, but humiliated with another spray of water.

    Becoming so lost in his own world of hatching an escape he hadn''t noticed he wasn¡¯t the only one laughing. The Elves happened to live a very long time, and with all this free-time had developed an extremely sophisticated system of gossip, and public ridicule. Word had already quickly spread, and many elves had descended from their apartments to watch the self appointed king of humanity struggle over the dam. The elf scholars formed the bulk of the early onlookers. Their information gathering Nth crystals encased in transcribing devices recording the action for historical purposes, future replays, and viral popularity. This was a very important moment for their culture.

    Edward finally took notice by the time the crowd had grown to the hundreds. He relaxed himself swinging side to side cold, wet, and coming down off his own sessions of being incredibly lost snorting crystals in the core. He would lay still her in protest not to give them any more ammunition.

    ¡°I would hope my lawyers will see me hanging here, and jump in with a helping hand,¡± screeched Edward, with his face beginning to go rage red.

    The water coming into contact had begun to steam while he continued being stuck.

    "Fascinating," said an elf scholar, writing on a tablet. "Man''s fabled anger displayed.. An S ranked member of that tier list,".

 28: First Duties on the Throne

    In strange Elven lands Queen Elizabethy was just waking up from plastic surgery. Her hands trembled as she felt her face. Upon feeling nothing but bandages the Queen went to scream, but no sound played no matter how much force she applied. She felt her lips covered with thick threaded stitching, sewn together and fell back to bed in terror. The horrendous recovery process was reflected  in every inch of the small room lined wall to wall in one mirror tile. Even the bed like it had first been poured in a mold. On seeing herself botched Elizabeth trembled shocked.

    ¡°I can¡¯t feel my face,¡± she tried mumbling between the stitches but it went out the otherside gibberish.

    Disoriented from the procedure and not yet fully recovered she accidentally slid off the smooth surfacing hitting her head and returning unconscious.

    Meanwhile in the same city King Edward had got himself in hot water with the Elven authorities. For over twenty hours he hung from the dam above the rapids in a cliffhanger. It took at least that long for them to become bored of the spectacle, and his lawyers to show up on the scene and command the King be given assistance in getting lowered.

    ¡°You must be my lawyers?¡± asked Edward, smiling for the cameras as he disembarked.

    He unhooked himself from a crane that brought him safely to the street.

    ¡°Yes we are, for if you have the capital then we can protect you better than any sword with our top notch legal expertise,¡± said one emerging out of the crowd of many doing the green salute representing elf law''s top practice .

    ¡°Well isn¡¯t that lawyer speech music to my cute little ears,¡±  called Edward breaking into a rhythm dance waving his hook while stepping in time to the nearby music.

    The crowd backed away a safe distance from the sharp hooked spectacle dancing to a tresillo triplet beat drifting over from a homeless looking dwarven street drummer hitting repurposed coffee containers for change. The swarming paparazzi snapped lots of annoying photos while chorus elves gathered round after spilling from a bus to see a human up close and personal in the flesh. There were more and more elves in the background incoming with promise of seeing the next phase from this drama-filled event.

    ¡°We are also waiting with bated breaths outside the plastic surgery clinic for word on what procedures the mother opted for, or did she consent to them? Dun dun dun,find out next after a long word from our sponsors¡±  announced a newscaster elf on site.

    ¡°Leave her alone,¡± said Edward, lunging forward.

    The crowd roughly pushed each other in panic, not being able to escape fast enough in the filled boardwalk.

    ¡°Oh carefoooof!¡± yelled the newscaster being thrown away like trash on the boardwalk.

    The two lawyers first order of business was to take him right into a big bank in order to translate Edwards crystal to elf currency. The party was always being watched by what must have been millions of eyes but now from what seemed like a safe voyeuristic distance. Going forward he would be treated like royalty the entire process as raw crystal went just as far here as it did anywhere else on Tenare.

    ¡°Gentlemen I really do try to be the maddest of them all. You will serve me immorally as long as I pay?¡± confirmed Edward, winking at them.

    ¡°A clever ruthless ruler to keep your stockpile of crystal  is what you must be in order to avoid the already much more mad ones behind the scenes who plot to take it all from you,¡± said the second lawyer, doing the same salute.

    ¡°Of course remember we being a different species don¡¯t even consider the same morals, but let''s be real it''s time for payday,¡± they announced together.

    He threw bags of coins at their feet. They all began to dance a celebratory dance in their fancy tailored suits: one foot left, one right, then the space slide. The street echoed with the sounds of a tuba and some other weird thing joining in.

    The ¡°Roomy Vista¡± was the nicest elf hotel for foreigners. It towered on the edge of the city built above a big rock, and to resemble human stone castle designs. Human servants worked the lobby, and all labor except janitors to complete the illusion (custodian duties found themselves done by goblins).

    A swarm of servants dashed in frantically carrying bag after bag of freshly purchased clothing. Edward pranced in behind them wearing a new mink coat, fancy jewels, and his sunglasses indoors. There was flashing as giddy elf scholars snapped photos, while a stripper worked her magic. Behind them a sign had been hastily hung welcoming "the new human king". Confetti popped slowly drifting by his head.

    "Anything else you desire, King?" asked the goblin looking person behind the front desk.

    "Yeah I''m emperor now.. I want a room service feast prepared, and I''m feeling like some long aged jungle juice for a change instead of schlock," he ordered.

    She took notes. Edward began to walk away before turning at the last moment.

    "Oh I almost forgot, can you have someone grab my mummy from the plastic surgery clinic where they got her wrapped up. I don''t want her staying here around me though¡­ HEY lawyer #2 book the second nicest hotel for her," instructed Edward, dropping more cash at his feet.

    "Yes king," said his servants, scuttling to perform the tasks he had paid for.

    On top of the hotel the executive suite was the entire floor. The party raged into the night. Edward didn''t hold petty grudges, and soon all those who had laughed at his cliffhanger endeavor found themselves plastered. A specially requested Emperor''s bed had been carried in by cutting out a wall. The bed was big enough to fit 100 bodies onboard.

    Servers interrupted by wheeling a special feasting tray six feet long into the room at midnight.

    "The chef''s special is here" said the servant in front, tired from wheeling.

    "Hide that body of meat in the back just for me," said Edward slurping from the single bottle of jungle juice in the building.

    He sat far from single in a steaming hot tube nude, surrounding him was a diverse harem made up of many cultures.

    "Tomorrow I have to get back to leadership, but tonight we party!" He yelled as the groupies cheered.

    The hot tube relaxed as a Bootlicker came up from sucking to the surface. A strange type of hipster jazz started being played by an all Elf band on the balcony outside. Edward scrambled to the side, spilling his juice in the process.

    "Hey turn that tune up, it rages really hard,"  he yelled, slurring his speech.

    The next morning a fresh dusting of white powder found itself on his face. He went from the saloon to a salon full of servants, one placed on the king¡¯s wig, while another clipped toenails below the barber chair. Edward shaved himself with his lubed hook intensely focused on his own reflection in the mirror. He had partied all night without a second of sleep, and now was focused on cleaning off some of the accumulated grime.Stolen from Royal Road, this story should be reported if encountered on Amazon.

    ¡°The only downside to my brief stay in this Elf paradise is that I am not staying long enough to really get to know my meat before I play with it¡± Edward Longbottom mused to himself.

    The human servant behind him had sprayed a mist of hair product before rubbing it into the scalp. The other finished with the clipping of the toenails, before trembling she took a tiny file to the king¡¯s only remaining hand.

    ¡°I¡¯ve done a lot of killing recently, so much of it I haven¡¯t had moments to truly let my guard down in order to intimately love,¡± Edward blurted out.

    He hooked himself around a nearby barber pole hanging on the wall. It began to bend.

    ¡°Ahham I may have lost my mojo with this deadly attachment making me too edgy to attract mates,¡± he sighed

    ¡°Done with the shaving lord?¡± asked the barber behind.

    A skinny older man, with tomato red cheeks, and ears was the one servicing him.

    ¡°Might I also suggest a different hand attachment for social settings, for example a fake hand to be able to dance with a partner,¡± suggested the barber.

    ¡°Yes perfect, you may apply moisturizer to my face, '''' instructed Edward.

    ¡°I''ll get it,¡± said the young assistant girl running off.

    Edward looked at her petite behind like a coyote at roadkill in the dead of winter. He smiled and his eyes twinkled with glee.

    ¡°You people must have no common sense leaving a little Bo Peep around a wolf like that,¡± he said, licking his lips.

    ¡°I would hope by time a man becomes emperor he has long grown bored of easy sport, as well as not being into the poaching of little lambs. It is a very poor honor for any leader to be seen engaged in,¡± scolded the barber.

    ¡°True, I never even considered it a second. You see, a buck like myself only ruts after the strongest trees to scrape, bend, and break with my antlers in the quest for achievements," said Edward, as he twirled his hook around the nearby barber-pole.

    "The true challenge is to dominate my prey from every angle. I need at least a dozen warrior women, and one or two men fighting over me at once, all of them hooked by my love. This is how I feel alive,¡±

    ¡°I see,¡±

    ¡°This is what makes the healthiest love life according to top studies, but I''m always experimenting with adding more things like elves,¡± said Emperor Edward.

    He was fully reclined in the chair by the barber. The first order of Empire business was going to be abolishing anything suggesting it had ever been a kingdom, next tossing the limiting marriage laws that limited his personal development of assembling the biggest, and most diverse harem of all time. And finally to have the best war performance he would need to get right back in the saddle when it came to training night and day in the knight''s way of close quarters combat, cardio training and meditation. Edward had realized that ultimate power in an individual never truly flexed its muscles until the owner was a fully realized and disciplined individual with the stamina to complete long term planning and the proper execution of plots.

    His personal goal was to become the ultimate cult of personality of a warrior cross bred with a cult leader on a never before seen mission. His ambitions take shape in pictures of clear reality in his mind. He had seen the destined future of statues and hero worship of himself that he would set in motion. Every Emperor needs a legend, but it all starts with a rock solid base to build a lasting legacy of propaganda that can last forever.

    That all being stated every ruler truly needed his advisers to vent too. Unfortunately Elves detested the human practice of fooling around, and thus all clowns found themselves banned in these lands. He was stuck with his lawyers who had discovered even when drunk on schlock were only capable of slurring advice in their foreign tongues of legal speech.

    ¡°Ahh I truly need a professional jester to advise me, Snaggy was the only thing that ever held my mothers stitches together most times¡± he sighed.

    ¡°That a shame lord, but with me being a master barber I have just as good an ear as any fool on both sides of my head,¡± said the barber.

    The girl had returned carrying a large tube stamped ¡°premium olive oil¡±. She removed a small screwdriver and started prying under the lid unsuccessfully. Edward waved his hook coming down. She fell back, with her hairs standing up frightened.

    ¡°I can manage to open my moisturizer honey now get lost before you lose yourself around me,¡± he said, smashing into the barrel with his sharpened crystal cutter.

    His spit had flown in her direction and she scampered off. The barber put his hands into the opened lid that was still hooked before massaging them onto the king''s face.

    ¡°Anyway what I have really truly so long desired is to bag a long matured Elf spouse older than I before I die. For with years of experience on their part comes an added difficulty challenge level of manipulation skill needed by me. Any tips?¡± asked the man getting rubbed on his large nose, then forehead.

    ¡°You have a very hard quest in that case as I don¡¯t think it has been achieved by a few extremely rare humans throughout the centuries,¡± laughed the barber.

    ¡°Tell me more, will I be one of a kind if I can do it?¡± asked Edward, his chair giving a protesting squeak as it slowly raised.

    ¡°Elves have a very secretive, very exclusive society for the majority, and the first rule is full Elf blood only. No matter the hoops you jump through, the door was already blocked to you at birth¡± said the barber.

    He rubbed his hands together, standing up from his stool. He headed to the door with the barrel of olive oil slung under his shoulder leaving the king alone.

    Being alone with his thoughts wasn¡¯t a foreign concept to the former prince thrown to the wolves as a child. No point trying to woo an Elf. I¡¯ll simply cheat by finding myself a kidnapping victim that I fancy nabbing, he thought resting his face on his fist. He stared deep into his fine mirrored reflection. The hook represented his violent blemish, while his once famously boyish features had begun to carry themselves with a newfound maturity from experience cutting down others. He stood putting a shirt over a previously bare chest that had similar amounts of hair to other primates. From the coats pocket he removed the royal diary noting:

    ¡°I should prove my insecurities about mostly killing the defenseless by doing something dumb in battle. Also put in order for a finely sculpted hand to screw in place of my hook on royal occasions. This is for when very fine verbal hooks are the diplomatic tool that is required¡±.

    On the next page:

    "Since returning from the core I have discovered in myself that I have become utterly dissatisfied with my current relationships. I must reinvent my personality to something that my lovers will treat as a godly deity to be worshiped. I must connect on a deeper level than I ever have before in order to best harvest flesh when the time comes. My band will also have to reform to tour again this time bringing war with it to every destination we concert".

    Edward walked out the building putting on his vision crystal modified sunglasses. Across the bright street servants hauled trash to the curb.

    "Timber!" yelled from above, as the King¡¯s king size mattress crashed, and sprung on impact.

    Edward climbed aboard his purring magma-cycle. The knights were already waiting on their iron steeds. They formed a formation riding out of the Elf city as the royal rock N roll loudly played to screaming.

    Meanwhile on the other side of the planet Snaggy found himself sweating. He was stuck swatting away bloodsucking bugs in a remote region managing the kingdom''s timber reserves. He exited the log cabin bunk house that he and his group of traveling companions were lodging. Rows of the bunkhouses for the woodcutters dotted the clearing all around him. A hundred stoves leaving little trails of smoke leaking into the sky. Down the way a train being loaded spat out fat clouds of soot.

    It was true that directed teleportation was fascinating technology instead of the random crapshoot the fools had long read in their scrolls.The shipping volume still had nothing on the train though it just looked flashy and was the only way to reach the royal outpost that she refused to accept was inhabitable. Meanwhile the kingdom above ground where everyone lived was falling apart.

    The first thing that desperately needed to be completed was the rail system that ran the lands like veins supplying the countryside with needed nutrients along the path. The fool stood still adjusting the brim of his royal jester cap. From a distance he watched a swarm of men all doing their own small tasks in order to load the train with timber. The loud blasts of the horn in the early morning had woken the monkeys early who screamed at the top of their lungs throughout the jungle pissed off.

    Snaggy walked around his parked clown car that his posse had all traveled here together in. He continued walking along a road beside the tracks whistling a nursery rhyme to himself. He was heading to the rear where the last six train cars had been packed with lock boxes stacked the night before. A massive load of gold currently heavily guarded by knights. The empire had tried to keep its mining here where the dwarfs once had a secret. The word had quickly spread about the operation long before it had even started.

    Gold shone very sexily on everything it coated. It had also been discovered that when fused together with various crystal stones they provided a killer combination of alchemist attack. The soldiers guarding the load had already been equipped with gold tipped shock spears conducting themselves. Snaggy waved at the general in charge who nodded an affirmation of his existence. The Queen was never giving him any time off when it came to snitching on any corruption. Here he had discovered nothing but boredom, and soon he and the other clowns would certainly find the same at their next destination.

 29: Bootleg

    The muscle car''s rear lights bathed the garage doors behind them red. The big rig and her equally large trailer hissed to an air brake stop beside. The driver threw open his door, angled himself, and dropped on all four hooves on the street.

    ¡°You are a pro when it comes to reversing here Mule, I would have been here all night trying to get it right,¡± said Jed, walking around the front of the truck.

    The man leaned against his fast death dealing muscle car slurping down his drink. The nearby truck hauling container of looted citrus was their payday. Mule walked in front of the big bumper watched over by a bolted metal cast statue of a bear playing with a circus ball.

    ¡°I love that manufacturer because of the nostalgic mascot on the hood even if their glory days are over,¡± said Jed, pointing his shake at it.

    He had picked it up from a nearby hut. It wasn¡¯t hard to catch brain freeze with whatever sweet stuff it was. The motor depot on the outskirts of the village was a group of metal buildings. A sign out front said ¡°Crayzies Garage Best Service¡±.

    ¡°So Jed we drop the citrus load I got out here,and get a payday eh,¡± said Mule.

    ¡°I would hope so yeah but we still got a load of jungle juice to bootleg across dangerous terrain in time to present as a wedding offering for the big money,¡± said Jed.

    ¡°A key reason they need outsiders like us running it in empire territory,¡± added Mule.

    ¡°Exactly and I wonder if my wrecked car getting repaired like new is the downpayment,¡± said Jed.

    His straw began to loudly sputter out, having slurped to the bottom of the cup.

    ¡°Enough I can not stand that sound,¡± said Mule.

    Jed threw his mug on the ground. Mule gave him a look of disapproval, and many shakes of the head. Jed sheepishly retrieved his trash and lit the paper cup on fire in his hand, before dropping it back on the tile to burn up on the ground.

    ¡°Good boy,¡± said Mule.

    Jed looked at the ground then the tree line where lights moved casting shadows. Beat¡­ Beat¡­ Beat. Beat. A steady thump rumbled throughout the thicket.

    ¡°That must be our quest giver,¡± said Jed, placing the three citrus fruits he had saved for the road underneath the seat.

    ¡°A species with some special magic to them, Crazins,¡± said Mule standing by Jed''s side.

    Tribal leader Travis approached glowing out of the dark, with his teeth white as ghosts reflecting the idling truck. Neither Jed, nor Mule had noticed the leader¡¯s tattoos in the previous encounter. Now they flashed, and pulsed along a hairy chest glowing bright purple that blasted through his attached skull trophies shining no doubt freshly polished.

    ¡°You look fabulous,¡± said Mule, doing a four legged version of the purple salute.

    Jed followed the best he could remember from bootcamp.

    ¡°Oh a purple performance just for me, I will match you,¡± laughed Travis, setting his cloak on an assistant so that another two sets of arms could untangle themselves from his torso.He was already in the process of doing a quick stretch with the rest of his muscled body.

    ¡°And you special one do you come in peace?¡± asked Travis pointing a finger at Mule before launching into his routine.

    ¡°Hah, Chacha, Gacha, Mah¡± said Travis doing a series of kicks, smacks, and chops, before six backflips, and the same number front.

    He bowed , before performing a perfect rotation of all 12 color salutes. He then remained still. Jed and Mule clapped their arms together.

    ¡°He haw he haw. What a show, what a show¡± said Mule laughing as he rolled over breaking apart a bundle of hay.

    The donkey rolled back and forth scratching his back in front of the truck in amusement.

    ¡°Ahh good to know you loved my show too bad we lack more time to party, however I will sleep well after we hide our illegal loot,¡± said the purple clapping four hands together in a pattern before crossing them.

    Nearby the Crayzin warriors ripped open the garage doors, while others climbed aboard starting the engine, and beginning to reverse the load of citrus. With the truck parked inside workers ran out from hiding to the trailer. They rolled down the stopper on the trailer propping it off the ground. The trailer full of citrus fruits was detached, as a spiked grill of cutting crystals meshed to metal was welded on.

    The truck''s hood was propped open. A Crayzin ran out with a sparking plug connected by long electrified wire. The warrior ran to the vehicle inserting the plug directly into the crystal engine. It sparked, and briefly shows his skeleton. The warrior walked it off seemingly facing no ill health except crazy hair. Another garage warrior in oil stained overalls greased the axles, and then dumped in a fresh jug of oil under the hood.

    The truck drove out, and the Crayzin mechanics inside quickly shifted gears, reversing into a different garage department. This other section had a fresh sparkling liquid trailer sitting in storage. A large barrel full of juice on wheels. A container with a house on the top, ladder on the rear, and marked for transportation of liquid gas. The story has been illicitly taken; should you find it on Amazon, report the infringement.

    ¡°That must be the jungle juice I¡¯m trucking,¡± said Mule.

    ¡°Yes Sir it is,¡± laughed Travis. .

    Mule nodded in relative contentment. The three unlikely allies watched as the trailer of jungle juice was connected and hooked together with the truck. It drove out of the parking lot to them.

    ¡°Get in there Mule and give that horn a few honks" yelled Travis pulling a fist up and down.

    ¡°Come on my man I hate to be a beacon of greed, but you gotta pay us a little something more for a smuggle all across the kingdom,¡± said Mule waving a hoof at the leader.

    ¡°Oh of course, I thought Crayzin generosity was too well known thus I planned to shower you with surprise rewards as we progressed on the mission,¡± said Travis.

    ¡°Like?¡± asked Jed, frowning.

    ¡°Well let''s start with the big prize for the first leg. If you can get this load to Upot in 12 days or less with the jungle juice I will make you very rich,¡± said Travis. .

    ¡°Wow, that sounds like a deal,¡± said Jed, extending himself to do the blue salute.

    ¡°Now not so fast this deal is phantom meat, a nothing burger, an impossible task that has never been trucked that quickly¡± said Mule.

    ¡°Well that¡¯s true, however there¡¯s a wedding that needs that jungle juice, and if you get it there then you will be two very wealthy gentlemen regardless as long as it''s within the month. We are talking Elven crystal stashes¡± said Travis, his eyes gleaming with glee.

    ¡°Your eyes betray you for it''s obvious to me you will also be getting a reward percentage, and not giving a downpaymen but nevertheless we will give it our best having no other forms of employment available to us at the moment except prison labor,¡± argued Jed.

    ¡°C''mon Jed it¡¯s time to get trucking, not being business majors,¡± said Mule.

    A seventh arm detached itself from his body to pull a map from out of another crevice.

    ¡°Take my map just in case. Good luck to you two,¡± said Travis shaking two hands, opening the truck door, and leaving his map on the seat at the same time.

    A deep rapid fire 808 attack triggered Jed.

    ¡°We are under attack from the knights,¡± said Jed, unsheathing his sword he took cover.

    Mule clenched his teeth as the racket revealed itself from the top of the nearby temple towering over them. A thick head sized ball was being kicked around at the apex by a bunch of jersey wearing Crayzin athletes. A loud club beat pulsing with the ceremonial lights.

    ¡°You guys tribe really got it going on¡± said Mule as he struggled to climb into his big rig.

    ¡°Well that''s my cue to drink,¡± said Travis, prancing off.

    ¡°Nice guys, but now it''s time to drive,¡± said Jed.

    ¡°Agreed Jed we are about to have a real cool time but it''s no easy job trucking the juice from spilling at high speed,¡± said Mule, slamming his truck''s door with his teeth after.

    ¡°Just one more thing,¡± said Travis, rushing back to the scene with a package.

    ¡°What is it?¡± asked Jed as he took it.

    ¡°Your first reward is a packing weapons package,¡± he said.

    Jed unwrapped the gift paper. Mule climbed back out of the truck in order to not miss anything. Underneath the wrap a paper box with a diagram of the party''s newest weapon. The cover came off revealing a tiny tipped semi-automatic crossbow shooter.

    ¡°What ammo do you load it with?¡± said Jed inspecting his 12 shooter.

    ¡°It can take anything you throw in its hopper, however seeing you on the road I figured explosive bolts would be the most useful concoction¡± said Travis.

    He removed several boxes of ammo from his deep trench coat pockets.

    ¡°The color tips will clue you in to what the arrow will do if you stumble across more in your travels. Matter of fact I may have stuck a few other varieties into the opened ammo box to make up for what I used¡± added Travis.

    ¡°My man, well thank you for saving us, sorry if I was a bit grouchy, as I¡¯m not built for this tundra, now we got a delivery to make in record racing time¡± said Jed, jumping in his car through the window.

    ¡°No problem, here Mule let me help you,¡± said Travis cupped two of his hands for a platform that Mule stepped on climbing in.

    ¡°Here I almost forgot this, now don¡¯t forget us wise one,¡± he said, placing blocks of wood that other hands tied to the pedals for the animal to reach.

    The donkey took off the brake before shifting her into first and slowly letting off the clutch.

    ¡°Take care out here,¡± said Mule, pulling away.

    ¡°Good luck,¡± said the now eight arm waving crayzin.

    A large party of warriors had arrived to escort their chief to his party. The big rig¡¯s horn let off a few quick blasts driving away onto a dark jungle dirt road.

    ¡°Wooooooo!¡± screamed all the warriors in celebration.

    Jed roared around them in his fast car. The fresh all terrain tires drifted around a corner while he imagined listening to his favorite country music. The front wheels briefly went off road, as a response to dodging a sinkhole gaping open. The momentum was enough to clear the danger, returning all four tires to the ground on the other side of the stream trickle.

    ¡°Can you hear me Mule, there''s a wash out ahead you''re going to want to go slow around it. Over¡± said Jed into his royal band radio.

    ¡°Roger, I think I see your tail lights up there. Over.¡± said Mule, downshifting.

    The big rig and its full load of jungle juice slowly cleared itself around the corner, and the sinkhole. Outside the monkeys did their best to drum up enough noise to distract him as Mule fully concentrated on making the tight turn then rumbled through the uneven washed out portion of dirt road. Eventually the rig pulled itself straight, before upping speed again.

    ¡°Adventure is back in progress buddy, over,¡± said Mule smiling.

    His receiver was propped in the cup-holder, and always recording.

    ¡°Yup you keep me in the loop back there, and I¡¯ll extend the same courtesy when it comes to keeping any waiting knights from seizing the golden ticket you''re driving over,¡± said Jed.

    The truck had caught up to the car. The back of Jed''s head found itself engulfed in crystal beamed lights. He pressed harder on the accelerator giving them some distance. .

    ¡°I think it will be smooth sailing from here on out, or trucking that is ha ha ha¡± said Mule.

    ¡°We just gotta get to the Crazin wedding in the allotted time frame breaking records, no biggy over,¡± said Jed.

    ¡°We got it buddy, even if it takes nearly the full month limit, slow and steady wins the race, over¡± said Mule.

 30: Queen Trap

    The surgically masked woman reached behind her bandages to untie her gown. Her fingers searched the dark in vain without a reflection to go off. The plain blouse provided fell to the Queen¡¯s naked feet on the cold floor. She then paced back and forth beside an itchy cot leaking straw strewn all over the unwashed stones. She dared not turn the lights on again to see her disfigured face. Thankfully her new quarters were hardcore old fashioned with no mirrors, garlic, or Elves allowed inside.

    Queen Elizabethy the 13th didn¡¯t remember much of the past few months. Her head was pounding while she wished for nothing but to be back in the frozen paradise that was the core. It was the only place on the planet she had ever felt safe. The only place she had ever been treated by others as a superior.

    She found herself stranded in this prison behind a locked wooden door. The forced rehab programs had already begun. Every early morning she was woken early to be subjected to a programing schedule of torture: swimming of laps after being thrown into cold water in a pond out back, burning off that water by cooking alive locked in a sauna, and then locked into a caged hamster wheel forced to run in place to detox. She knew that her previously precious son was to blame both for cutting out her cultivation as an addiction and for locking her away in this abusive rehab facility. I will destroy Edward Long-bottom, a voice repeated again, and again echoing itself a promise in her mind.

    She reached behind her right ear, unhooking the jewelry pin cushioned into the flesh one by one. A green clover earring was the last piece clanging to the floor, before she switched ears and dropped the other matching one first.

    ¡°Green luck stones ha. I truly never had any luck wearing those clovers,¡± she laughed to herself after throwing most of them in the trash.

    She fumbled with the hook trying to fit it into the strange elven lock.

    ¡°Bang! Bang! Bang!¡± came rapping on the other side of the door.

    Elizabeth fell backwards crawling back towards where she thought her bed was. She was panicking as she felt the cold embrace of the foot of the porcelain toilet instead.

    ¡°Room service, supper is here,¡± an elderly woman rasped.

    The servant ladies must be here to thrust more torment upon her. The human civilizations Queen wasn¡¯t respected as anything here among the elves, and she had no clothes.

    ¡°Just one second you authoritarians¡± cried Elizabethy struggling getting dressed without much light.

    ¡°Take your time, I''m waiting just outside¡± the unusually sweet old lady''s voice called.

    A voice that she had never heard before, but all lunch ladies blended into the same slop quick.

    ¡°I think my luck may be restarting here,¡± She smiled, buttoning together her skirt, and then shirt. Her newly installed false teeth were very dull, but still formed a good greeting. She knocked on her side of the door.

    ¡°Alright you old bird open up, what do you want?¡± she playfully called.

    Elizabethy jumped back sweating as there was a loud drilling sound coming from the lock.

    ¡°What is that?¡± she called inching away

    Suddenly it swung open. A menacing masked man with bloodshot eyes grabbed a hold of the heavy wooden door.  His huge hulking figure stepped into the frame and she fell backwards trying to climb underneath a mattress. His other hand grabbed her wrist.

    ¡°Time to go back home with me pretty thang,¡± the brute grunted in a thick accent from the north.

    Surrounding him were a few other smelly scoundrels dressed in half on hospital disguises too small or large for them all suffering from evil bloodshot eyes syndrome with unshaved faces that needed to be masked for public decency. They cleared to reveal the old women that had called out to her dressed in a witches robe.

    ¡°Oh whew,¡± she said, taking a deep breath on account of how gently she was being grabbed on.

    ¡°You poor things must also be suffering from bad plastic operations.. just like I am. There''s no need to attack me for I am not the witch doctor who botched you. Matter of fact you look human so that means I''m your queen ¡± said Elizabethy, naively taking the old witch''s hand.

    The man at the door smiled with the broken ends of blackened teeth. His deadly breath drove her wild into a ditzy spell. She began to fall, growing queasy from his rancid smell.

    "How''s about a chew toy for your chompers," he said, forcing a slimy dog toy in her mouth.Enjoying the story? Show your support by reading it on the official site.

    "Squeak".

    One of the others had a cloth trash bag he threw over her head knocking her down. The witch held rope in her ancient bony hands that resembled the dead more than alive. She shook as she tied the thrashing end together with several knots.

    The nearby slob of a never washed man threw her over his shoulder as he walked down the hall towards the exit. The Elves had long hastily evacuated the facility to avoid being contaminated. She found herself bound, gagged, and lugged out the empty building through a backdoor to a waiting car. The trunk creaked open.

    ¡°Thud!¡± she smacked her head.

    Thrown on hard carpet the scars from the semi botched operation came apart spreading stitches. The pain was searing. Outside the car doors shut one by one, before she could feel motion. The vehicle came to an abrupt stop and the driver started swearing. She strained to make out the exact words being communicated all the way in the front.

    ¡°What is this, some Elf getting a useless awards ceremony has the streets packed for our getaway,¡± screamed the driver.

    ¡°Hugo, here comes a cop car, you should roll up your window,¡± whispered a passenger.

    ¡°3 cops cars now!¡± stammered the driver.

    ¡°Gentlemen, we are going to need to search your vehicle. So get out!¡± an officer barked.

    ¡°GO, go, go!¡± yelled a voice.

    The car rapidly accelerated, knocking and bruising the captive trapped in the trunk.

    ¡°Thawk, thawk, thawk, thud, wizz¡± said arrows hitting the rear, with one almost adding additional piercing to the Queen¡¯s ear.

    A moment ago and very close by, an almost identical kidnapping had taken place. This was the real reason for so much heat.

    Earlier that day a special council of elves had formed. The  group of twelve elders totaling at least twelve thousand years in age. They had come together to pick the best in show. The Elf taken had not topped their list, but had won their own category. There weren''t actually any genders to Elves, but the tier list still called for the best princess so they made one up. They weren''t about to be outdone in anything in fashion including this. The one voted to be youngest, richest, and most viscous had been voted in, and immediately nabbed off the stage in a kidnapping.

    A long way off newly declared Emperor Edward drank cheap schlock all by himself at a dive bar off the timber track-way. A flock of pigeons had gathered where patrons had not. They picked under the deserted tables behind the open bar. He turned on his stool squinting and observed the early morning worms being eaten by crows. His thoughts remained locked on the idea of capturing an exotic queen for his harem, meanwhile finishing the process of isolating another out of the public without killing her.

    The one already under house arrest was his mother. She couldn''t handle herself so other people would handle it. He ordered her to remain under house arrest in the second best hotel in the city or go to the country. Either way Edward had already made the pledge to never visit.

    The other queen he planned on trapping was going to be an entirely different species entirely. Unfortunately he hadn¡¯t come across them yet, but when he found the right elf they would be whisked away to an isolated tower. There he would go to work with his charms all day and night. He had already laid the groundwork for the plot back in Elf city, with one of the latest contestants in their weekly award shows in his lust filled cross-hairs. In the meantime he had work to do running his own peoples Capital. A government job that came with an arrow proof alibi.

    ¡°Another one?¡± asked the monotone dead waiter.

    His eyes sunk into a scrambled rotting skull where white eggs with no pupils resided.

    ¡°I¡¯m good, you see I¡¯m attending the largest swearing in ever done for myself ha,¡± said Edward, rising from the folding chair and leaving a big tip. ¡°One more thing you got a payphone somewhere?¡±

    ¡°Nope, but there''s one at a station a few miles back south.

    Edward walked out of the establishment. He turned long enough to revel in the sight of the brain dead ghoul still blindly searching all over the counter. A goofy creature looking to wash the dirty dishes, and then the coins for the nephew who ran the place. It was going to be a long ride from here to the capital city of humanity.

    The royal magma-cycle was still waiting for him warm parked outside perched on its kickstand. He climbed aboard revving the burning crystal deep inside powering pistons. As he accelerated sparks of tiny magma crystal flew out his exhausts threatening to catch the wooden planks flying behind him on fire.

    This area  of his lands was an especially impoverished one. The crime ridden sections of what was now his empire would only exist if he said so. The roads he rode on had been laid long before the alchemist''s elemental revolution around a century ago. There was not another soul around here except the convoy. A fearsome formation of biker knights who would ride with him to the edges of any planet.

    A few miles further on the side of the road  Edward used a payphone to call up the rest of the royal band who had stayed behind for a special mission in Elf society.

    ¡°So how did you manage to nab the award on behalf of someone else ha ha ha,¡± he laughed.

    ¡°I hate to tell you this, Eddy, but our mother was stolen under the cover of the very same commotion that we just caused kidnapping the target,¡± said Cap, the key player for the land''s most famous band D.D.P.

    "This Elf looks the same as all the others. I''m so confused why they have enacted gender roles like us they consider fully inferiors," somebody interrupted in the background.

    Edward cut off the phone line with a slash of his hook before he stumbled to his magma-cycle on the road. The rest of the knights had waited here except for one who relieved himself under a nearby hanging tree. So he had managed to trap one queen, and yet he had lost another. For somebody who prided himself on always winning he had come to a draw. Well hopefully he will grow to love the newer one much better than his mother. His foolish flesh and blood was somebody else''s problem to take care of, but what if they really hurt her.

    ¡°Men, my mother has been nabbed, so we must turn around and ride back to war against those responsible,¡± called Edward, raising his hook to the sky.

    The Knights revved their cycles turning around in the desert heat. They drove channeling the anger to burn down a city back towards Elf city.

 31: Another Clown Down

    The jungle was hit by a storm, and all the men remained inside something. Snaggy sat with the rest of the fools in their segregated logging cabin. Some napped on bunks in the mid afternoon while the rest played cards on the kitchen table.

    ¡°I¡¯ve got all the gold!¡± screamed Joey Jester, raking in his winnings.

    ¡°Arrrg how are you always choosing the best chains of stones and elements to branch off,¡± cried Snaggy, losing more of his crystals.

    ¡°My only talent is luck,¡± replied the winner, taking his spoils.

    This week in ¡°paradise¡± had been a disaster. The head royal fool excused himself from the table. He walked to the dwelling''s singular porthole and stared at the raging rainfall flooding the other side. All the fools stayed inside regardless of the weather in order to avoid being bullied by the loggers for their entertainment.

    ¡°Remember when the fools had the balls to trick them all, and the intelligence to humiliate anybody who tried to clown on them by dragging them into the circus, ¡± said Snaggy, sighing.

    ¡°Hey man those were madmen you speak of, not fools.. Buurrp key difference between the two being a survival instinct,¡± protested Joey Jester.

    He continued counting his winnings with one hand, and biting into a giant roasted bird wing held by the other.

    ¡°You will get over your insecurities someday, Snaggy¡± giggled Pimm from where she sat on the opposite side of the table.

    She wore her red hair long, but liked to cut most of her jester outfits off short. The other fools were not entertained when it came to relationships. Snaggy¡¯s attempts at romance had been rebuked enough times for them to have become permanent enemies.

    ¡°I thought you were going to make us a hot cider with spices,¡± Snaggy whined, while secretly taking shy glances at her reflection from the window.

    A deep breath of wind smacked against the cabin threatening to blow open the front door. The air blew through cracks in the dwelling, dimming the oil lights. Those at the table shuddered while Pimm threw on a sweater.

    ¡°Snaggy, would you close those farking window blinds and give us some peace of mind,¡± yelled Joey.

    ''I''d love a good farc, but just a crystal or two of it, not a lot, '' giggled Pimm, returning to the game and eying Joey¡¯s winnings for herself.

    ¡°I¡¯d love to see your soul be sucked inside a farc crystal permanently and never come back,¡± fummed Snaggy with sass.

    ¡°No fool, I will be the one sucking souls while you continue to suck dirty things behind a dumpster," laughed Pimm, starting to lay cards from her newest hand.

    ¡°Good luck finding any rare farcs..thankfully I don¡¯t give a flying fuck about ever finding one since I can barely keep finding schlock,¡± laughed Joey, glancing down at his cards and grinning.

    He kept on laughing, all while pounding the table with his free arm.

    "Good plan Joey there''s elements out there much too powerful for us organics to be handling," said the third, and final person at the table.

    A knight who traveled with the party who was also playing cards. He was the only reason they hadn¡¯t yet been harassed deep into the jungle at this point. Unfortunately he hadn''t been awake to stop the toilet paper assault from plying the cabin in many layers.

    ¡°Are you calling me stupid?¡± stammering Joey Jester, looking drunk and confused.

    ¡°Of course not. You being here at this very table winning so much proves your intellect,¡± said Knight.

    ¡°And that is why you are a man of respected opinions,¡± replied Joey.

    ¡°Hello! Old Snag, are you going to get those blinds anytime, any day now!¡± Pimm yelled a sonic attack.

    Snaggy flinched thinking he was getting verbally trounced again much more than the winds.

    ¡°Fine I¡¯m going to bed,¡± he huffed, shutting the first and only blind in the building.

    "That''s better," said Joey, taking out a concealed container from his clown coat.

    He pulled out the cork, and slugged it down.

    "Hey Joe what''s you got in your hand?" asked Pimm leaning forward, her eyes wondering.

    Joey Jester lurched back in his chair squeaking with it in protest. He quickly pulled back the contents of both hands, holding them close to his chest.

    "Fools are never taught to be the normal functioning person who pretends to fit in. Only any idiot wouldn¡¯t bully the weak, cheat, lie, and steal because that''s what everyone else is doing. That''s partly why we all become fools because society gets a sick laugh at our crude socially ineptness, our empathy, and pride in the art of comedy. Sigh everyone else here is a lost cause," moaned Snaggy.

    ¡°I see my lessons don¡¯t seem to be kicking in yet,¡± called Primm.

    ¡°Hey some do find you a lot entertaining to poke fun at, but many others think that a fool can teach you more than any other teacher,¡± said the Knight focused on his own hand of cards.

    ¡°I¡¯m going to have to see your knight''s badge number sir. Any more comments along those lines, I might start to think one of us fools dressed himself as a Knight to play a prank,¡± Joey laughed, his chair leaned at a dangerous precipice.

    "I believe he means that we show the average man how not to live. They have to do whatever opposite action they see a fool doing, or risk becoming one and ruthlessly harassed. That is why I will always be stuck having to partner another fool with no recourse from this fate available for a simple wife.. Wah I am even too much of a social pariah to get a regular non foolish woman no matter how ugly she be," cried Snaggy, tears forming under his glasses.

    "Poor you, perhaps try at least partnering up with a bigger fool. A jester chick so foolishly nutty that you can look down on them to feel better about your own traits," teased Pimm.

    Snaggy slunk away leaping into his top bunk. It was a swift jump up, before quickly closing his covers to hide tears. He had already been long covered in shame for being born this way. The rest of them continued dealing cards for the next round of the game.

    The next morning a howler frog loudly croaked. Its cries for help reverberated against the nearby mountains as it was murdered by growling guttural screams. Snaggy woke to the racket. He was calmed down by the spiced scent of freshly brewing hot cider entering his nose. He dropped out of bed with a somersault, before cartwheeling to the ladle. He filled a cup with the steaming liquid and joined the others at the table.

    "Thank the 12 colors we are leaving this place this morning hey fellas" said the Knight, slurping away on a cup of his own hot liquid of choice. A brown magic bean brew that greatly increased testosterone.

    Everything going on was interrupted by the loudest sound in the jungle. Outside the trains whistle blasted a dozen times. The spirits were high as the chairs were pulled out and everything was given a final inspection. Snaggy rushed back to the top bunk. He began frantically packing his bags as the others left the building with theirs already packed.This book''s true home is on another platform. Check it out there for the real experience.

    ¡°Hey guys wait up!¡± snaggy pleaded, sprinting out the building.

    A loose shirt fell out of his untied bag as he ran. The only thing remaining behind was not going to be the head Jester running to the parking lot. The others had already climbed into the waiting royal clown car. A specially reinforced enforcement vehicle designed to safely transport even fools. It had spiked tires, cut off horns ready to stab in rear/front ends, sirens of every sort, and a grab bag of other secret tricks. He scrunched into the driver''s seat, swatting away an arm that was blocking space.

    The car headed down the bank where it parked waiting for the train to pass.

    "This is why you get going as early as possible in the morning," complained the Knight from where he had been crammed into the trunk.

    "We are patrolling these tracks to report progress for the Queen, so we must stay close" replied Snaggy.

    "Snaggy he''s not a fool while you are. A commoner''s logic would tell you that we can fully relax on vacation as nobody would ever dare try to disturb the crown''s heavily guarded rail for a few twigs of timber," said Pimm piling on.

    "Surely a knight would advise following one''s orders, while a fool should be suggesting otherwise," noted Snaggy.

    "Truly the fools have their day coming if it ain''t here already" laughed the Knight from the back.

    He had gotten up early to complete the laborious process of putting on his rigid armor; only to be stuffed in the back of an idling clown car waiting by the tracks. The long train kept on chugging past. A thick fiery trail shot up the 20 foot smokestack into the sky as the engineer shoved in more magma pellets picking up momentum. Of course the head Jester could not reveal to the fools lower in the order that there was also a lot of crystal variety riding aboard and it was Farc.

    By the time the train stopped whistling passed Joey Jester was loudly snoring directly into Shaggy''s ears. This was going to be a very long escort mission yet he had not come across any escorts out in the jungle to pass the time either. This was standard procedure on all royal escorting affairs.

    ¡°Alright we will take this road diverting from the tracks for a second before catching back to the train in ten minutes,¡± said Snaggy who had finally figured out his map.

    The clown car lurched over the planks helping the road cross the tracks. After crossing the small motorized death machine climbed a hill out of view.

    Hours later the fools found themselves loitering around a ditch. Their car pulled over to the side they stretched while Snaggy frantically looked over his map.

    "I told you we should have left early," said the plainclothes knight, his armor still stacked where he had dropped it.

    "We would have been fine if this clown hadn''t been driving," said Pimm stomping.

    "Everybody calm down and give me one second of quiet time to think!" Snaggy screamed.

    "Alright fine" a few fools agreed.

    "Alright now so I think we just got to go back to this bend by a rocky brook that''s where I lost us and then..." Snaggy pondered.

    "Hey guys that looks like big smoke stacks on wheels barrelling right down this street instead of the tracks,¡± said the knight, looking intently out the back window.

    ¡°Let''s stop em!" yelled Joey Jester interrupting.

    Snaggy glared at his crew from where he stood studying the map on the hood.

    "No tricks, what I say is legit we should get out of the way," said the Knight pointing.

    "That rig has at least 50 tires on her and she''s a speed demon," said Joey, rubbing his stomach.

    "Get ready to flag it down" instructed Snaggy, already retrieving his engraved large white fold-able flag from the car.

    "Hey that''s a race.."

    "ZOOM!" said Jed flying by in his car, knocking into the tip of Shaggy''s extended surrender flag.

    The fool fell over backwards tumbling into the ditch before cratering on his ass. Not to be lost out here forever Joey ran into the middle of the road to stop the truck from advancing.

    "What the fuck are these clowns doing!" Mule yelled from where he was loaded and barreling down a hill to a target.

    "If he doesn''t move you gotta hit it because they are going to call in reinforcements either way," said Jed into his royal band receiver.

    "Get out of the way ugh!" yelled Mule blasting the big rig''s air horn.

    "Joey he ain''t moving, get out the road," cried Pimm, from outside the car.

    The Knight finally figured out how to open the trunk and sprinted past her. The truck tried to break right before the Jester. The Knight completed jumping back inside the open driver door to do a tackle just in time, saving Joey by throwing him. The two tumbled off the road before free falling down a steep drop with a piece of the car''s torn off bumper following.

    "Splash!"

    The two fell splashing into a stream. On the other side Snaggy had climbed back to the clown car. He shook his fist at the big rig driving off.

    "Get back here fools, we need to take up hot pursuit this instant," Snaggy ordered.

    Pimm gave him a nasty look and ran to the other side to check on the others. Snaggy briefly joined her side looking far down at their waterlogged friends. He ran back to the car throwing out rope after rope in a sloppy haste of poor dissensions.

    "Tie up these ropes and pull them I''m pursuing!" Snaggy screamed climbing into the car.

    He turned on the sirens, and pressed the pedal to the floor speeding off. Pimm put out her hands in a rage directed at him. She began to beat up a smaller tree, before body slamming a dead one toppling it then tied a rope to it.

    Ahead on the road Mule had already heard the sirens starting to follow them.

    "Some kind of undercover roadblock by undercovers dressed as clowns, that was definitely a knight I almost splattered on the road," said Mule.

    "All undercover I would guess and now we got trouble with them following us and probably bringing a lot of friends" said Jed.

    "What do you want to do bud? The options where I can drive this truck out here in the jungle are rather limited" asked Mule.

    "You keep driving Mule I''ll catch up to you, for now I''ll keep the Knights off your trail while you focus on the delivery," said Jed from where he had parked on the side of the road.

    "I guess there''s no other options due to you being much mobile, hopefully this will be just a brief detour for you, over" said Mule steaming past.

    "Ahyeahup ten four don''t worry about me buddy they don''t make knights like they used to," said Jed.

    He could hear the approaching sirens, but could not yet see them. Where not far off Snaggy had his foot to the floor. He had been pushed around for the very last straw, and wasn''t going to be taking prisoners. Legally Jesters could do just about anything they wanted due to be thought of so lowly, and unthreatening. Being able to kill for petty reasons was an easy business to cover. Maybe he would just blow up that truck. The culprits would suffer plenty after in the Queen''s dungeon.

    That''s funny, the race car was straight ahead, and the big rig was nowhere to be seen. The fool accelerates tapping on Jed''s bumper. He saw the beady little bloodshot eyes glaring at him through the window under a jester cap. The sirens played the circus song of death as two bumpers smashed.

    "Damn guess I got to shake him off off-road," said Jed shifting into neutral.

    He drifted onto a grassy off-ramp. Shifting to 2nd gear he gunned down into a gravel pit operation. Meanwhile Shaggy''s clown car spun in circles before he got it under control and could begin to follow Jed''s dust into the pits.

    "I just can''t get rid of this dude," said Jed, increasing his speed.

    "It was a big mistake to take this off-road when my tires are covered in spikes," laughed the rapid Jester on the chase.

    A bend was coming up marked by a little sign covered in mud. One side was easy going while the other was taped off with caution tape.

    ¡°Let''s see how he handles me now,¡± said Jed smashing past the ribbon.

    "It''s just one guy stuck to me like a tick but I''m just about to shake him Mule, over" said Jed into his receiver.

    "Alright man good luck I got you in my beastly heart" said Mule in response.

    Jed roared the car smashing aside branches as the road further narrowed. He could see in front of him now that this road had a dead end straight off a cliff. He kept driving forward noticing that in the chasm below him something was steaming. It was a train running along. It was coming and the sirens behind him were growing close again.

    "I got to make this train!" yelled Jed accelerating at full power.

    He hit a mound of soil and the car hit the air. He looked to his side to see the train extremely close. It whistled, screaming a dire warning directly into his ears. The car was crashing, rolling over several times. Objects flew around the cabin smacking Jed was strapped in place.

    Snaggy had matched Jed''s speed and followed him to jump the train. No longer would he be a fool. He would change himself to be a normal man, and not a sheep. He was going to catch this outlaw, and transform himself into somebody that was respected for being one of the good ones. A hero of the Kingdom, he imagined himself center stage at a knighting ceremony. Queen Elizabethy and everyone else would have no choice but to say how wrong her assumptions were.

    ¡°BOOM!¡±

    The train continued blowing. A clown car had exploded into bits on the engine and began raining parts and blood.

 32: Glamour Boys

    ¡°Alright people, what are we doing here? '''' said an especially androgynous Elf.

    They approached the crime scene in a green tuxedo,long blond hair that trailed their entrance still dragging itself inside the building. A very wordy sign in the ¡°ancient Elf club VIP only Elf tier list ranking the population from best to the least desirable among us requiring ridicule choice awards¡±.

    This deceleration in a newly debuting fancy typeface hung half ripped down. A crystal disco ball was spliced apart by what looked like claws, and the glass covered the carpets in danger of cutting. The only beings remaining was a staff who had been rattled and detained by Head executive Elves via their human police. Trash further increased farther into the club''s seedy underbelly. The floor became moist with the thick brown liquor of "fancy schlock" leaking from overturned kegs, and mixing with puddles of puke from over indulgence. The smell of excess wafted with thin layers of smoke and the buzz of stink flies. All those who had found themselves nabbed here tonight had previously been in high spirits.

    ¡°The gorgeous Salinnn was kidnapped out of the salon, I know it, not the kitchen, they would never set foot into a workplace environment, it doesn''t make any sense¡± rambled the waiter, frantically running to the door.

    A tray equipped to serve in case the approaching Elf was a schlocko-maniac. The investigator frowned deeply at the sweating wreck approaching. Humans would not offend this Elf, but the implication that culinary and cosmetology were not both fine arts was something worthy of an extended jailing.

    ¡°Oh thank the Currency, it¡¯s the famous Them Investigative Brains,¡± said an approaching human acting as an Elf cop.

    The star badge confidently read "Head of security Gram" in golden executive print but his shaky rendition of the green salute was anything but class,

    Almost tumbling, the man rose to correct his posture with a foolish smile. Their eyes met before he was looking at the floor extending hands to the elf equally shaking.

    ¡°You can call me T.I.B. for short,¡± said the Elden Elf Investigator, performing a perfectly green salute in a matching suit from a distance to avoid germs.

    ¡°Just keep practicing there, I''ve been training in the dance arts for 500 years so of course I''m better than you," said T.I.B. who had long hidden both hands somewhere inside their clothing to avoid contact.

    "Yes.. just no mind-control tricks on my brains," pleaded Gram, adjusting his ill-fitting khakis around a lanky figure.

    "Do not fear Gram for you have nothing inside there for me to control," replied T.I.B. in monotone.

    Elf society did not permit the getting of hands dirty. Being caught performing manual labor would get you exiled at the best of times. The only thing thought ought to ever handle with their hands is the making of art, and blackmail. Their wars were waged without any of their precious blood spilling except the target doing self termination, and achieved at any cost. Their crystals, and precious metals were mixed by factories of mind-enslaved alchemists fueling their powers. The ill effects of handling the chemicals passed to leprechauns, and whatever they hadn''t finished destroying the dwarf population while they got to reap the benefits.

    Elf achieved dominance in a contest of pure executive functioning with help of their supplement mind cultivation pills. They had evolved to be better than the creatures who died for them, and only attacked with mind manipulation, magic, and reputation destroying smear campaigns. Their promised lands of paradise for corporate interest had ¡°C.E.O.¡± in cursive stamped on everything under the suns. It was their capital where Crony Elves Owned.

    For those lower on the totem pole it was a very tricky business sticking to the ruthless morals in the religion of business. It was lucky that T.I.B.''s job was very fruitful as top Elf Investigator. However the red tape burden of being stuck with thinking of solutions to get around a strict, and rigid culture was often overwhelming.

    "Okay can you catch me up to speed"? asked the only remaining Elf on the scene..

    "Yeah no problem, and the name is Lester," said a burly stage hand rubbing the tired bags underneath his eyes. "So it all started last night at the big award ceremony" he began..

    The crystal lights and chandeliers set to stun, the elf dancers, prancers, house musicians had begun their routine. You know they trained for this night full time for at minimum a millennium. The opening poem by Simy was excellent, flowing with art,"

    "Cut to the chase" said T.I.B., changing shades to lighter U.V.

    "Oh right a band of human guests had started everything off on the wrong foot. The singer was late to the stage, that infant ruined everything when he dodged" stammered Lester, sweating profusely.

    ¡°Wow, It''s so typical of humanity to let us down, It was doomed to fail from the start"so I am putting the band as the primary suspects so far¡± said T.I.B. in response.

    ¡°Yes the snark is warranted with a front-man of the band D.D.P. Edward Longbottom a madman that tarnishes the image of us good humans who serve you" said Lester bowing his head.

    T.I.B. rested their chiseled chin on their hand in a deep thinking pose. "Hmmm I wonder?".

    "And he had political reasons to sabotage the show,¡± Lester chimed in excitedly.

    ¡°Huuh? uh indeed, that''s exactly the culprit without a doubt. Maybe I generalize you all a bit too much. Obviously Elves are vastly superior in everything we set our minds to, but I think we underestimate that humans have motivations only other humans can compute,¡± said T.I.B.This tale has been pilfered from Royal Road. If found on Amazon, kindly file a report.

    ¡°Right so anyway the rest of the band came out on stage without a singer, dreadful sight, and embarrassing. They quickly got booed away for their primitive unskilled playing. It was really just an awful display of the same repeated three chords into a wall of noise not the superior lush sound only elves can produce,¡± finished Lester, leaning up against a potion fountain as he slowly backed into a corner, accidentally hitting a lever, and spraying drink all over the rear of his uniform.

    ¡°Continue, come on,¡± said T.I.B. lightly tap dancing impatient on two bare feet.

    The man let off feral noises of frustration as he removed his soaked overcoat. He hung it over the closed lid of a nearby trash bin to dry, before deeply sighing.

    "After the band played, the first award of the night was given," Lester began...

    Inside the theater sparkled as confetti rained down on everything, then smoke poured out from somewhere before sparks erupted out of holes in the stage. The dancing Elves descended from the roof by climbing down the walls, and they jumped the final distance with acrobatics. The orchestra gave them direction with a classic piece I believe "Symphony 11111, or maybe 1333, no 1334.5". Anyway the dancers began to twirl faster than my lower comprehending human eyes could catch, while my ordinary, and crude vocabulary could not hope to fully describe the sets'' stunning art.

    "No I don''t want a drink..waiter can''t you see we are busy, huh your brain gone full fool or what!" T.I.B. interrupted smacking a stray waiter away from their personal space.

    They were having enough of the bartender trying to silently solicit attention from solving another case. It could be connected to all the recent strange occurrences going on in their life. They truly had the sixth sense they were being followed down the street for weeks. It had to be another Elf playing mind games to knock them down a position on the tier list.

    " It''s a direct call to you from the hive, not a drink I was after your attention for," said the trembling, and beaten waiter.

    "Ah shit I''m sorry. Where can this call be received?" said T.I.B. instantly changing tone of voice to something sweet.

    "In the study," sobbed the waiter, wallowing disheveled on the checkered floor.

    "Right I''ll see if you get a small raise here''s my card" said T.I.B tossing the card on the discarded witness. "Now to the study above the stage come with me, cop," instructed the investigator leading the charge.

    The way to the study was marked by a sign backstage to a curved staircase. The small and cramped advance was accompanied by loud creaking steps leading to metal scaffolding where many stagehands had worked. The air was musty, and plaster peeled in other areas revealing purple mold.

    "Huff Puff.. I would guess the study is across this rigging chief" said Gram after reaching the top step, he was taking a lot of deep breaths.

    "I''ll call you over when I need you" said T.I.B. strutting across the rigging above the stage.

    Beside them ugly ropes and sandbags, while below is beautiful background art. The most aesthetically pleasing Elves from society had been painted by the highest ranked painters.

    "I will get them back safe and sound, for the other Elves depend on my knowledge of crime that is why Head Elf is speaking to me," T.I.B said, bracing against opening the door for a breather.

    The study was crammed to the roof with books, cases for them, and a desk with a large ringing crystal ball. The Elf ran to it, activating the call.

    The call remained silent for a second.

    "Boss, rest assured I''ve already narrowed the suspects down to a very narrow band," T.I.B. blurted out, before they could cover their own mouth.

    "No worries, No worries there has been a change of plans. I have a more important case that you now work at this instant. I''ve gotten word that King Edward''s mother was also kidnapped, and that an army is marching here to ransack the place. According to our estimates you have a sixty six minute deadline to solve this case, and then wait outside the city gates to speak with Edward and give him a personally delivered update of her whereabouts. Goodluck." said Hive-mind, hanging up.

    Outside in the distance, but reflected in the pyramids incoming clouds of dust. The winds of war stirred up by an army approaching; matter of fact it was amplified, and electric. The drums began to beat hard on the first and fourth beat as more joined in, and guitars began to screech. Column after column of soldiers marched in uniform as far as the eye could see. A big rig truck flew past thousands modified with a flatbed fitting a five peace band. The cowbells started with royal rock N roll crews amping the troops with the drug of music.

    Inside the thick walls surrounding the capital Elf city everyone covered their ears and ran indoors from the offensive sonic attack commencing. Edward dragged his hook across the strings with reckless abandon causing his two chords to destroy. The troops got louder and louder as they began to chant gang vocals drowning the valley in reverb.

    "Cold nights, and colder Knights, I played your games, and you took me for a ride, now we get even," he sang as the band roared alive.

    The soldiers cheered, raising thousands of fists, and increasing the march to war. Trees toppled nearby hit with the first arriving armor.

    "Con man, con Elf, con our empire, dodge the guillotine ugh" Edward raged while his and the bands playing increased to a fever pitch.

    The sky suddenly became red dotted with thrown fireballs from the treeline. The slow projectiles plotted a slow whistling course of death. Long before impact the hidden artillery in the treeline had reloaded. The targets were engulfed in fiery explosions one after another. A lesser pyramid was hit on the tip, bursting Magma across the surface and burning through the front. The battle paused. The sound is cut off with a motion of the leader¡¯s hook. He began to speak over the Terp Terp amps that still shook with sound waves.

    "Give us back the Queen or we will destroy everything finding her ourselves. No negotiations for this act of war by the Elves, I speak in pure power, and the hook doesn¡¯t take bribes. You are surrounded by our professional fighting force that takes none alive!". he yelled while slashing all about for extra show.

    The troops cheered signaling their professional enthusiasm for slaughter.

    "You have until sundown to give her back, then my hook starts to slash with the rest of the boys, and we turn your streets red with a decapitated body art exhibit," said the self declared Emperor jumping from his royal trailer.

    He approached the general''s tent with the rest of the band, lifting the flap. Inside a table with maps, apples, a corked bottle of jungle juice, and the battle plans for conquering the entire planet by springtime. Cap joined him inside, reaching into a cupboard. He pulled out a pickle jar, and the boys began to feast.

    "Hmmm there will be plenty more fingers to pickle coming up" said Roger drinking some of the juice.

    "Hey that''s my juice brother,¡±..

    Roger dodged the incoming hook by diving out the tents flaps. By running away he had successfully avoided tomorrow''s battle plans with his own appetite for childish schemes.

 33: Checkmate

    The Elf named Them Investigator Brains or T.I.B. was on the street speed walking to the alleged crime scene. An S ranked plastic surgery clinic and the location of the human Queen¡¯s kidnapping. There was without a moment to spare, for according to the clock above they had a clean sixty minutes to solve the mystery of finding her location. This was the make or break case of a career. Either become a hero of the species or Elf civilization would collapse.

    They had a gut feeling that this case was already a lost cause. The most logical theory being a power hungry royal family had set up a pretext for an invasion. The next most logical step of the mystery would be making an escape plan, but before they did that they owed the entire elven race at least a pass at the clinic. Maybe the Queen had really gone crazy, and was just hiding in a hidden wall, or above a ceiling tile.

    The Elf pushed through double action doors to the plastic surgery clinic, rehab, and prison facility. Maybe she had never actually been nabbed, and war really could be avoided after all. The fact that an Elf cosplaying a queen had been kidnaped at the same time was surely no coincidence. That particular elf had already been written off by the boss.

    ¡°I need a doctor,¡± said T.I.B., pushing into a crowded entry.

    Elves loitered all around, some screamed, some yelled at ones who sobbed, while others tried to work a crime scene over for the first scoop of juicy gossip. The staff of other species rushed the halls in back pushing a hospital cart of an elf wounded in the first round of artillery fire.

    ¡°Hello everyone I¡¯m Them Investigative Brains here to take charge as current top ranked Elf in the tier list of investigating,¡± announced T.I.B. showing their rank on a miniature crystal ball they wore as a watch.

    ¡°Well get to work quickly because we are doomed depending on a mostly human army on payroll to save us from humans playing for the hometeam,¡± another Elf shrieked.

    ¡°The Hive-mind has already sent our mercenaries on a tricky mission unknowingly acting as our distraction, so remember we are just waiting for the signal to where to escape,¡± said another giving an embrace.

    ¡°Does anyone know what room the Queen was sleeping in when she stayed here?¡± T.I.B. interrupted.

    ¡°No¡± said a lot of Elves.

    ¡°Does anyone know where the receptionist or Dr. Hobgoblin are? Time is of the essence here,¡± T.I.B. yelled, waving their arms like an inflatable balloon swirling a ceiling fan.

    ¡°Nope,¡± said the crowd.

    ¡°Well where are we escaping from and when?¡±

    ¡°That depends on your social credit standing, the overall tier list of everything must also be a B or higher,  and if you pay in crystal I offer a 10% discount in addition to the 15% already when compared to the next cheapest, escaping a siege on the city service. Also five star rated on all the apps,¡± said a business Elf stepping forward.

    ¡°Out of my way,¡± said T.I.B., shoving the elf to the side, and pushing past deeper into the clinic''s underbelly.

    They came to a three way intersection marked by ceiling signs and went left for beds. No markers identified any names or room numbers of those that were occupied. They scanned for openings, checking the locks in the empty hallway one by one, but nothing would budge.

    The floor was still moist from being mopped, and squeaked under shoes. The hall bent 90 degrees to another long stretch of doors. Dim crystal lights flickered low on the battery in the tiles above. At the dead end of the hall a single door was open inviting them inside. The Elf sprinted forward reaching inside the dark, and frantically searching the wall blind for a switch.

    "ZaAap!"

    As the hidden switch was flipped electricity flowed from battery stones brightening the room. The electrified wires traveled quickly along a web that ran over the floor. It reached a shadow that sparked revealing an electrocution chair coming alive with raw power. The detective didn''t need to turn to know it was all over.

    "The Hive has decided I need to be terminated, despite doing everything I can?" asked T.I.B., clutching their pearls.

    They turned to see a tall slender shadow surrounded by an equally shady entourage growing in numbers behind it. A flatscreen suddenly turned on showing a very poorly done C.G.I . super brain.

    ¡°Congratulations you are getting a promotion,¡± an ethereal voice played from speakers.

    T.I.B. was grabbed from behind by a lizard¡¯s tongue wearing dwarf plate armor. It had a sharp crystal cutting flail that it had greatly upgraded after switching sides to work for the elves. The elf was escorted and forced to sit in the electric chair. The others silently watched the lizard strap them in.

    In the intervening time the Queen had found herself gagged and couch bound next to a roaring fire. She could see lots of logs forming a log cabin, firewood stacked next to the chimney, and a ton of hoarded newspapers and bags. Her body had been dumped in the corner near stacks of empty pizza boxes.This content has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

    ¡°Ggrr!¡± She raged thrashing about.

    The front door creaked open, stopping her movement. A masked figure stood in matching camouflage to the snow in the forest behind him. He extended a bloodied hunting knife next to a bulging crotch stained the same color. He crouched down with the blade doing a stealthy sweep of the single room structure in CQC mode.

    Elizabethy thrashed harder, grasping at any chance of escape. It was in vain for the man to creak closer and closer drawing his big knife. He stood over her now casting shadow and ripped off his mask letting it go.

    ¡°Hello there my queen I¡¯m Killin Hood and i¡¯ve got big plans for you,¡± he announced in a cheerful tone, cleaning off the blade on his shoulder blade.

    The Queen rolled her eyes, her body further signaled to the man she very much wanted to be unrestrained to inflict verbal wounds.

    ¡°You might have heard of my more famous goody two shoes cousin, however me and my gang actually have principles and a code unlike him, and that is why we are currently having a turf war,¡± he began.

    Elizibethy pretended to fall asleep as the man began his monologue.

    ¡°My men don¡¯t handle any crystals in order to remain morally pure, for my dear they are warriors who only deal in death while I divide the profits for their own benefits.. Soon you will find yourself tied to the railroad tracks in order to lure your brood into our forest to trap all the royals in one place just like hunting any other animals,¡± he finished twirling his thick mustache.

    The Queen gagged on her gag at the smell of the man who filled her nostrils. She had smelled the same smell of hormonal animal piss at the royal fair.

    ¡°I¡¯m a hunter that likes to play with his food before he eats it,¡± said Killin Hood licking his lips.

    She was silent, having figured out that her captivator could have been much worse. This guy was just a bum, and a poser who was all talk. A real man would have started into whatever got him off hours ago. The larper had already re-equipped his snow camouflage ski mask over a bald scalp, while the thick mustache proudly protruded.

    ¡°Unlike those killed under the crown you, my love will be treated with respect, and decency until the day we decide to execute you,¡± he said, sheathing his blade.

    ¡°In the meantime you have total freedom here, just don¡¯t go getting yourself lost so very far out here in a frozen wood because if I can''t find you when I return here in six days, well before than anyway outside you will long be dead¡± he said, double checking the chew toy lodged in her mouth.

    "SQUEAK, SQUEAK!" Said the Queen.

    "Damn you''re a biting fighter. Anyhow I have a ransom letter to deploy, and a train schedule to retrieve for reference of where to tie you to die," cackled the madman.

    He had finished cutting off the ropes that bound her, bounding back swiftly somewhere outdoors, and left no time for her to swing on him. The wicked cold winds had already replaced his presence from the opening freezing her awake. She ran to the cabin door. It blew slamming shut in her face.

    ¡°BANG!¡±

    ¡°Aha!¡± Elizabeth jumped, fell, and scrunched back against the nearest wall.

    The suns had begun to set on the edges of the sky turning maroon. Dust blew tumble weeds along dunes on the outskirts of Elf city. Here Emperor Edward, and his army had gathered, besieging the Elves. If his mother was not returned then he would order an attack in thirty five minutes. By sticking to an ultimatum he had already issued it meant slaughtering everyone inside until they robbed the pyramids in revenge.

    ¡°The tension is eating away at my stomach Edward why can''t we take the city now? I want mom back. I haven''t seen her in months,¡± cried Cap.

    ¡°Pretty please it¡¯s almost dark,¡± added Roger, sucking on a thumb before he bit it in two and swallowed the pieces.

    ¡°Negative you babies, If she miraculously returned before then we will look like fools. It''s better to get her out in good health then run in and kill ''em all,¡± said the self declared  King Emperor of the Galaxy General (it was a new title he was trying out).

    ¡°Good point I wish she hadn¡¯t gotten herself trapped in the first place due to vanity,¡± said Cap.

    ¡°Duh, I wish I could have stopped her,¡± said Edward, using his hook to slice the end off a fresh bottle of schlock.

    ¡°Hello there humanity out there camping in our desert we welcome you! Anyhow do we have a deal Elf city has never ever been on the market, however we would like to offer you a discount of 25% and the chance to buy it.  if you King Edward can come alone to purchase the key to the city we will be waiting,¡± a loud advertisement blared across the valley.

    Edward walked from the bunker HQ full of plans. This was a dangerous mission, it could be a trap, but luckily he had a contingency. A heavily armored car driven by a corpse that had died several times racing to his feet. The door popped open automatically, due to the driver and car having become molded together many crashes and zombie revives ago.

    ¡°Driver stop at bunker #18 so that I can deliver a quick message,¡± he ordered, climbing into the backseat.

    The car pulled to bunker #18 and blew the horn many times. An Elf that looked like all the others emerged from a dark concrete man made hole from the sewers poured into the dirt.

    ¡°It¡¯s time for war, and ransacking or is my low-ball you scoffed before at going to be good enough now,¡± said Edward playing with his hook.

    ¡°Yes it¡¯s a fine deal, and totally fair to the utmost degree¡± said the Elf writing something on a tablet with a strange looking pencil. ¡°I will call my contacts right now telling them the payment is good, and to let you walk into the city undisturbed in return for a window of escape to fly away on our airships,¡± stammered the Elf in green and white pinstripe suit.

    "You forget that my mother has been kidnapped. How am I to know that she hasn''t been stashed onto one of the leaving airships. No my friend, the condition is that everything will be escorted by our air force to go through a border search at an air base further north before it fully leaves to prevent theft of the Queen," said Edward.

    "That makes perfect sense to me, I hope they feel the same," gulped Elf.

    ¡°Good let¡¯s shake on it¡± said Edward, extending his hook with a sly smile escaping the corners of his mouth before swapping in his hand.

 34: Season 3

    The Elf ambassador to their only city was missing. They had been sent to negotiate the terms of surrender and was late over five hours.

    On the frontline soldiers dug trenches together arm to arm while knights watched. The classes united together under the high powerage of the crown in readying for war. A soldier''s smile cut through a face of grease as he mounted a rotating gun. The professional carpenters began the installation of makeshift bomb shelters for high command. This line of fire had been placed on the main highway out while the large siege machines stood stationary all along the outskirts of the city. They all waited on the deadline of the moons at midnight to signal action.

    Edward gently followed a path set for him in the trench tapping in nails with the side of his crystal hooked hand. The nails quickly sunk into the wooden beams reinforcing along the trench. The smell of composting socks, soiled underwear and fresh dug soil was overwhelming. A group of knights played poker in a dugout while soldiers waited in line with bowls to be filled from a steaming cauldron. Above the operation more reinforcements dropped in on ropes from hovering drop-ships.

    ¡°Sir, a ransom letter for your mother has arrived,¡± said the royal messenger approaching.

    ¡°And the return address?¡± he said, rising in his father''s gleaming uniform.

    ¡°12345 Killin Wood is listed,¡± replied the messenger, saluting green.

    ¡°Very well, I know this area as being a parcel of our Empire timber preserve,¡± said Edward, hooking the letter from his five fingers, and ripping it to pieces with a slashing motion.

    The runner scampered away hands covering the rear in fear.

    ¡°I¡¯ve been teased for a conquest for so long that I can¡¯t take this constant setbacks, strategizing, and delays much longer before I snap like a spring,¡± he cried, as he started pacing.

    Edward stomped along, and stamped down his foot on a bug. ¡°It¡¯s good trying to keep my subjects safe, but the reality is whether they are related by blood or not, everyone is equal in my eyes except me. In this ever increasing land of cheap lives, where fresh bodies are birthed for my empire with every tide we must advance for crystal pride,¡± he finished inspecting his attached impaling device.

    General Cap ran to his leader giving the blue salute at his feet.

    ¡°Sir the Elves have accepted the sale of their city, and their airships are departing as we speak without a fight,¡± said the general, handing the King the keys to the city.

    ¡°On my order then,¡± said Edward.

    The fleeing ships began dotted the skyline above the tall buildings, as more and more filled the air. The first in line to make a break for it was flying directly overhead. The magma crystals powering them crackled while sparks rained onto the trenches below. Some soldiers covered their heads with shields while their king outstretched his arms and his mouth formed a wide grin.

    ¡°Now!¡± he commanded.

    The guns began to fire, and the Elven ships began to fall in flames. A soldier cranked an anti air gun as the others around him refilled the ammo bin. A transport crashed into another blowing up in mid air. A loud whistling sound as one smashed into the big gun blowing debris in every direction with a massive explosion in the desert sands.

    ¡°That was close,¡± laughed Edward.

    ¡°The fools thought that currency has the same value to me as it does to them. They miscalculated as my drive is nothing but the pure and noble human desire to conquer, dominate, and only then can a government be set up to make what remains free,¡± he finished, as the Knights hauled a hard case to his feet.Unauthorized content usage: if you discover this narrative on Amazon, report the violation.

    Edward opened the case, and unboxed a legendary royal rocket launcher. It had a stylized dragon painted, rainbow charms, and chains wrapped around the tube for aesthetic reasons. He aimed for the Elf ship escaping while Cap slid a rocket down the end.

    ¡°Let''s see how they like the heat,¡± Edward said, launching a seeking missile.

    It flew across the sky dodging other projectiles flung from the empire all around. The fleeing ship was gaining speed but not as fast as the missile slowly gaining ground on the target like a flying shark. It was lit up by the moons overhead.

    ¡°Boom!¡±

    The missile hit and everything aboard was engulfed into an inferno. King Edward laughed. He dropped his rocket and motioned for his nearest men to climb aboard with him onto the royal car. Cap was among the knights who clung to the roof rack.

    ¡°To the city as fast as you can, for now comes my favorite thing after killing, and that is destroying pretentious art,¡± commanded Edward to his chauffeur.

    The gang of lackeys onboard gave their best laughs. The vehicle accelerated, smashing a barrel of schlock all over the windshield.The Elf city grew closer after the windshield wipers cleared the liquid intoxicate. The magma turbo flamed propelling the car forward at maximum overdrive. A ramp was dead ahead launching them high into the air. The last Elf transport just happened to be straggling out of the city, and flying far too low. The wheels of the car slammed down on top of the airship. Cap undid a grenade with his mouth and dropped it aboard.

    The car revved, running over an Elven scout who had used the aircrafts roof access to investigate the commotion. An explosion rocked behind the car that came crashing to the ground. The fully intact vehicle was barrel rolling through the air. A burst of a jet corrected course and they crashed and landed back onto its wheels at a stop.

    ¡°Good thing I have all my cars outfitted with anti key scratching materials for sticky situations like that. Now where do you think we will find the museum?¡± asked Edward after catching his breath.

    ¡°Knowing the Elves there will be art for us to destroy on every corner,¡± laughed a knight in the back seat.

    ¡°I don¡¯t care about the lesser stuff, I need to personally oversee the destruction of art that they have given the most awards to,¡± said Emperor Edward Eying hook.

    They drove around slowly looking for museums, learned academies, scholarly societies, or other high art institutions to burn to the ground. Finally the large pyramid at the very heart of the city came into view. Painted on the side facing them was a mural dedicated to the art of advertising. It showed the polished bodies of the most beautiful Elf enhanced with products engineered by head corporate Elf themself.

    ¡°Oh maybe I will loot a new skincare regime for myself¡± Cap loudly clapped with glee from the roof.

    ¡°You will leave the darkest eyeliner for the best looking,¡± scolded Edward as the vehicle came to a stop.

    "What about the nail polish?" Cap inquired.

    "That we can share as I don''t need much with only one hand," replied their Emperor quickly waltzing up the steps to the pyramid.

    The heavy door guarding the enterprise was also a triangle. It was already unlocked and opened above their heads. A Knight covered his eyes in pain, as others looked away. Inside the pyramid everything was crystal bouncing and amplifying the outside light. Cap slammed the door behind them and the beams of light calmed enough for human eyes to see without pain.

    Edward continued past the front desk into an atrium that stretched all the way to the top point. A fountain of golden liquid trickled down from the mouth of a giant crystal Elf in a business suit.

    "Ah ha now this is their most prized art of the founding father of all modern Elf," said Edward looking up.

    "Now we will need the finest artist of demolition to do his work" laughed a knight.

    "That''s me" announced Cap running forward with his trusted satchel of things that go boom.

    The others broke apart lesser art all around. The king had walked into the next room where a library of the finest books on business, advertising and self help ever written on the entire planet were being stored.

    "Well well it''s going to be hard work to burn all this art" he said, stabbing the nearest book and leaving its corpse on the floor.

    Edward returned to the lobby as Cap was wiring plastic explosives to the feet of the founding Elf CEO.

    "When you''re ready to start blowing, commence with it!" cried Edward.

    ¡°It¡¯s my specialty,¡± said Cap, grinning.

    They walked leisurely to the exit. Cap ran in the opposite direction with a detonator in his hand. He pulled the trigger somewhere unseen. The statue''s base exploded, amputating the legs. The rest of the giant wobbled as the fountain sprayed the walls coming undone. In a matter of seconds it came crashing down into the center of the atrium shattering windows or sticking things in sharp crystal shrapnel kicking up a fog of dust. Most of the party was reduced to fits of coughing except for Edward. His throat and lungs had already been hardened from a lot of previous crystal exposure. It might as well have been confetti signaling victory.

 35: East Bound and Down

    The big rig''s air brakes hissed to a stop parking beside the railroad tracks. In the center of the cross-ties burned a mess of tangled metal engulfed in flames. The truck''s door swung open and Mule let himself out on all four hooves to survey the wrecks.

    Jed face was scratched bloody and his arm sprained. He licked his wounds sitting on the underside of his flipped race car. His flannel ripped apart revealing some scrapes, and a few more scratches dug deeper into him. He sighed before spitting blood into the bushes.

    "Suppose the luck''s gonna run out eventually. I know you took your armor off due to the heat so I was worried if you would still be in one piece,¡± yelled Mule, overlooking.

    ¡°What took you so long to find me animal? I thought you had X-ray vision?¡± groaned Jed, struggling to stand.

    Mule ran to his friend and helped pull him up by gently biting his hand. Jed dusted himself off, and wiped oil, and blood from his eyes.

    ¡°My vision is only short range just like our radio receivers, and I had to find the road here that would fit the load. I was about to have to hide it somewhere under the leaves," said Mule.

    ¡°Well bud, I suppose we are going to have to leave my ride if we ever hope to deliver the jungle juice on schedule,¡± said Jed.

    Mule inspected the wreck, turning to the crackling flames on the tracks.

    ¡°Hey at least you didn¡¯t turn out like those fried knights in the clown car,¡± He said, heading back to the truck.

    ¡°It was a clown car and I only saw one fool in the driver''s seat,¡± corrected Jed, following with a limp.

    ¡°Heeha.. Anyway I think I might be able to tow your car provided you can guide me to reverse quickly,¡± said Mule.

    Jed caught the end of the tow rope midair. After spitting it out Mule climbed aboard the truck and trailer barely fitting on the dirt road. Behind the driver seat he was in full concentration to maneuver back and forth with careful turns of the wheel. Jed waved him slowly backwards, shouting when the trailer was as close it could be without falling with the car.

    Jed quickly tied the line to his fallen vehicle, and gave the thumbs up to proceed forward. Mule grinned on feeling the added weight fix itself back on all four wheels. It pulled out of the ditch covered in branches, thorns and fender bends. Jed untied the line and waved the truck back further then he tied them together bumper to bumper. He put his hand inside the folded roof to switch his car into neutral before running up to the cab.

    ¡°Alright let''s hit the road Jed,¡± said Mule.

    Mule let off the clutch while his partner in crime climbed aboard slamming the door. The smoke stacks sprouted flames and soot . They continued on the trucking adventure down the road beside the railroad tracks. The jungle foliage had slowly begun mixing with a boreal forest of spruce and furs, but now it was really noticeable.

    Mule slammed on the breaks coming to a stop. Jed hadn¡¯t been wearing a belt and his face was plastered to the dashboard.

    ¡°What is it?¡± he asked, cradling his head.

    ¡°Danger ahead Jed there¡¯s a person tied to the tracks, and bandits all throughout the woods waiting to ambush,¡± said Mule.

    He shifted into reverse, but didn''t let either hoof off the clutch nor the breaks. Ahead the wooden path was a sign that it was the only road carved through the mountain side, and to the only bridge over the river for hundreds of miles in either direction.

    ¡°Shoot, we don''t have time to go around if we want to make this delivery, or even survive on our rations,¡± said Mule.

    ¡°This is the only path we are close to, yeah. It¡¯s time to formulate a plan¡± said Jed, studying their map.

    ¡°Hmm well my eyes do give us an advantage in strategy. They look like rag tag peasants equipped with bow and arrows, and swords at best so what if I gun through the danger very fast?¡± suggested Mule, shifting into first.

    ¡°Ok I will climb outside the cab and hold on for dear life in my heavy armor while blasting them if it comes to that,¡± said Jed opening the door.

    ¡°Roger,¡± said Mule, pulling the break with his mouth.

    Jed ran to the rear and popped open the trunk of his towed muscle car. He quickly put on his scavenged protection and then hesitated between choosing to grab the crossbow or a gun. The explosive ammo was stored in a separate hard case labeled volatile. The rifle was already locked and loaded.

    ¡°Oh man this better not blow up in my face,¡± he said, cautiously playing with the explosives.

    Jed ran back to the front of the truck and opened the door to leave one weapon carefully strapped in the seatbelt. He stood outside on the running boards grabbing onto the big mirror attached to the door. With a thumbs up the vehicle began to pick up speed towards where they knew an ambush was waiting.

    Mule strained to reach over and roll down the manual passenger window so he could reach cover, a reload and communication. The truck roared down the country road.

    Many miles down the dirt road a royal hostage was being tormented again.

    ¡°Lucky for you missing the first train through here, but our gang still did a good job smuggling you here while the elves got glassed,¡± cackled Killin Hood, checking his sundial.

    He was decked in traditional camouflage and wore a matching green sack over his head with holes cut for his evil eyes, a thick mustache that formed horns sharp enough to prick, and a mouth full of crooked teeth. He kicked the bound figure squirming below him. She was tied in knots above the railroad tracks with a gag. If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the violation.

    ¡°By midnight I will either slay a Queen or get paid. It all depends on the actions of your family,¡± said Killin Hood, playing with his mustache by twirling it.

    The Queen attempted to talk something back with a guttural hiss like a stray raccoon. Killin Hood only grew more amused by the futile attempts at resistance. This was his wood that he knew like the back of his hand. Under normal circumstances the law didn¡¯t ever dare enter the area.

    ¡°The perfect bait has been set, now men in our trap,¡± he called, prancing off into the woods.

    Elizabethy squirmed with all her might trying to loosen her bonds. Eventually she went limp to take a breather. This didn¡¯t last long when she saw something far off in the dusk. She squinted to make out an approaching trail of smoke kicked up far away. A loud horn announced the end was approaching down the tracks.

    ¡°Thwack!¡±

    A barrage of arrows bounced off the incoming grill, others cracked the glass or stuck into the hood. Jed scanned everywhere for threats but could see an army of still standing trees covered in moss speeding past.

    ¡°Where should I be shooting buddy? '''' yelled Jed, tossing his rifle on the floor for the crossbow.

    The next volley thwacked around narrowly avoiding him. Mule winced as three arrows penetrated the cab roof, and stuck pointing down at him.

    ¡°There¡¯s a lot of them, we are surrounded by a hundred or more!¡± cried the driver.

    ¡°Well that would have been good to know before... Our only hope is you putting the pedal to the floor¡± cried Jed, shooting his weapon at a stump that looked suspicious.

    ¡°Boom!¡±

    A section of the woods exploded, felling a dead tree that crushed something.

    ¡°Spikes dead ahead Jed, I''m going too fast to spot in time to shoot the road,¡± yelled Mule.

    Jed turned to shoot but couldn¡¯t see where the spikes were in the road.

    ¡°Where is it?,¡± he yelled, turning his head inside for a second to ask the driver for assistance while aiming.

    ¡°OOof!¡±.

    Suddenly Jed was struck by an arrow to the knee knocking his aim way too close for comfort the second he fired his own shot.

    ¡°Shit,¡± cried Mule, ducking below the wheel.

    ¡°BOOM!¡±

    There was a danger-close explosion that briefly surrounded the rumbling cab that plowed through it. Jed felt himself being cooked as the vehicle banged over the bump he just created until they suddenly sped out the other side alive within moments of him taking critical damage from the heat.

    ¡°Thunk, thunk, pop!¡±

    The tires exploded upon hitting the hidden road spike trap while the vehicle skidded out of control. Mule corrected the angle, and the truck limped to a stop further down the road. Jed shot two rounds rapidly behind them to buy time. There were those uncomfortable screams of death he had inflicted again. This time throwing gibbed enemies screaming into the air before they were returned to the ground. The lucky one was hunting for their bloody missing parts in shock.

    ¡°I''m afraid our only option is to take as many as possible down with us,¡± said Mule.

    ¡°It was good knowing you friend,¡± said Jed shooting a bandit out of a tree with two crystal tipped bolts.

    ¡°Farc I¡¯m all out of big booms,¡± he cursed.

    A dozen more of Killin Hood''s men ran from the forest with tattered rags. They held rusted machetes, axes, a scythe, and the biggest among them held onto a knotted tree branch. Jed blasted the first target in line straight through the heart. Mule struggled inside the cab to retrieve his shotgun from the glove compartment without adaptable thumbs. Jed shot two more.

    ¡°Wack!¡±.

    He saw stars with a surprise attack from behind. The big bandit knocked the gun from his hand striking him into the dirt. Jed looked up as the man raised his club to deliver the finishing blow. Mule jumped from the truck kicking two waiting enemies over with his hind hooves.

    ¡°BANG, BANG!¡±

    He blew out the giant''s guts with two 10-gauge shells delivered from the saw-off strapped to his back. It sent the donkey flying backwards into another enemy that had their neck twisted sideways and broken with a pure lucky kick.

    ¡°You really have a habit of saving my ass,¡± said Jed, picking himself up off the ground.

    ¡°ENOUGH KILLING!¡± screamed a voice.

    Jed and Mule looked around to see an army of camouflaged men aiming bows. Two of the bowmen stepped aside to let a slender man enter. He ripped off his green forest mask letting his mustache twice the width of his face fully unfold in all its glory. The defeated enemies on the ground still alive continued to groan.

    ¡°Hello gentlemen, the names Killin Hood, and this is my wood if you couldn¡¯t tell,¡± the leader announced, motioning, slitting his throat to pretend with an edgeless finger.

    ¡°You¡¯ve made that point sir, sorry about the men we have already shot down,¡± said Mule.

    ¡°I suppose we might have some cargo to bargain for our safe exit instead of more of this shit,¡± sighed Jed, looking like he was going to collapse but holding himself on the truck for now.

    ¡°Nah it was actually our bad to attack you in the first place we thought you were somebody else,¡± laughed Killin Hood pulling out his knife. ¡°You see we set a trap with bait for royals here so we are going to help you fix those tires and get you right out of here before you give up the jig..¡± He bent over one of his wounded men, whimpering as he slowly bled to death. ¡°It¡¯s you guys lucky day because any other we would scalp you for entertainment¡± he finished, putting out the misery with crude sawing motions slicing through the jugular like butter but struggling with the spinal cord.

    ¡°Twack, Twack, Twack,¡±

    The other injured were silenced with arrows delivered mercifully.

    ¡°How hospitable of you,¡± said Jed.

    ¡°Just taking them out of their misery,¡± replied the boss who had gotten red splatter all over his previously blond facial hair.

    ¡°What did you eat him out or something,¡± Mule quipped, unable to stop himself.

    The woods exploded with laughter.

    ¡°Funny you know I¡¯m always in need of more mules for my company,¡± chuckled Killin Hood, drawing closer.

    ¡°We have to finish this job first,¡± said Jed.

    Killin Hood smirked and looked over the truck then the two they had surrounded like he was about to do something evil. The Queen squirmed on the tracks behind them working overtime to loosen her bonds briefly catching his attention.

    ¡°Right.. actually thanks for reminding me we have to finish our mission too,¡± said Killin Hood, putting away his sticky knife he never cleaned. ¡°I guess we have unfinished business if you ever try coming through here again,¡±.

    The highwaymen dragged away the fallen bodies, while others rolled out spare tires from the woods. Mule worked the jack with his hoofs to raise the rig. Jed gripped the tire iron in both hands to remove the wheels held by assisting forest people. Soon the fresh rubber had been swapped on and they were ready to depart.

    ¡°Well at least this story could have a relatively happy ending, thanks for your help I guess,¡± said Jed shaking Killin Hood''s hand.

    ¡°Until next time gentlemen, and remember in our woods we see everything you do now get out of here faster,¡± laughed the bandit leader.

    ¡°No issue there, we will follow the road straight out of here to our delivery destination far far away," said Mule.

    As the truck pulled away Killin Hood gave the gesture to toot the horn. Mule gave three honks as the truck drove off into the night.

 36: Some Kind of Nature

    A soupy fog had marked the darkest hours of morning, and was slowly clearing out the air. The edge of the first sun had shown itself, but the second still hid below the treeline of Killin Wood.

    ¡°Well well.. I suppose we have more bait rotting in our tackle box,¡± said the woods namesake, slyly cleaning his tools.

    He continued pacing back and forth on the soil beside tracks. The Queen was still waiting for a train in the center tied between the rails. Killin Hood licked his lips while he survived his nearest trees where his newest hostages found themselves tied, gagged, and masked with green potato sacks. Their sad multi-stained jester colors flapped in the early dawn except for their lamed Knight.

    ¡°The King must be broke or he¡¯s sent the final insult to retrieve his mom ha ha,¡± laughed Killin Hood.

    ¡°Boss we didn¡¯t find any ransom on them, we should do more interrogation,¡± said a henchman, feeling the barely alive bodies.

    ¡°Take off their clothes and check everywhere you think Edward Longbottom would hide a ransom. He''s playing with us I know it,¡± said Killin Hood, his wild eyes looking pissed.

    ¡°What now boss?¡±

    ¡°Men we should still be merry for we have a royal fortune laying in our forest. I knew this would always be the outcome for in chess the King alway has to give up the Queen. Now we can extract all we can out of her,¡± said Killin Hood.

    He turned to the rail and lifted up the Queen''s unresponsive corpse.

    ¡°What?¡± he stammered. ¡°Why does she feel so cold, and lifeless?¡± He shook her like a paint shaker. ¡°I think she might have croaked,¡± he exclaimed ripping off her hood.

    The gang of highwaymen all around him let out gasps. The body was dead alright, but it was not Queen Elizabethy the 13th. Instead it was a slain bandit with two holes in his chest who had been wearing her dress.

    ¡°We¡¯ve been fooled,¡± cried a nearby bowman stunned as he dropped the arrow he had been holding onto his foot.

    ¡°Ouch¡± he limped, falling over to lick his wound.

    "We''ve been fucked like a royal at a bath house REEEEE!" screamed Killin Hood, convulsing in a fit of rage he desecrated the decoy.

    He threw it into the ditch and picked up the bow that had fallen at his feet. Unable to find another option, Killin Hood went after someone too distracted by pain. He pulled the arrow from his sobbing henchman''s foot who started wailing. The arrow was drawn tight.

    "Thwack!"

    It protruded from Joey Jester''s leaking gut.

    "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" yelled the Jester thrashing where he had been tied to the stump.

    ¡°Well, well it¡¯s torture time to the very last moments for you clowns unless you tell us how you¡¯ve tricked us,¡± said Killin Hood dropping his bow to crack his knuckles.

    Primm loudly gulped.

    ¡°Highwaymen spread word among the wood that nothing leaves here alive. It¡¯s time to hunt for where the Queen has escaped. Release the killer zombie grizzly from her cage!¡± he yelled.

    Killin Hood pulled a sharpened blade from his sheath as his men scattered like the wind.

    Stolen from Royal Road, this story should be reported if encountered on Amazon.

    Somewhere near a logging machine Jed and Mule continued barreling down a rocky dirt road. They had driven all night, having to guess the direction to take on more than a few turns. A metal sign marked mile 255 somewhere deep inside the woods. The truck came across a makeshift metal bridge that rattled as the tires climbed over a steep drop to a dry riverbed below.

    ¡°It all looks the same to me Mule, I swear we''ve been over this very same bridge before,¡± said Jed, cradling his combat helmet in his lap.

    ¡°It¡¯s impossible to tell man. I suppose it¡¯s high time we got out and mark the path,¡± said Mule, pulling the big rig over to a stop.

    They climbed from the cab. Jed stretched his legs, while Mule lifted one of his over a shrub to give it a watering.

    ¡°You still got those racing stripe stickers you never applied? We can stick them to that sign over there to mark our path¡± said Mule, finishing his business.

    ¡°Yup those beam reflectors should be right back here. Wait a second why hey ain''t that funny I thought I locked the trunk,¡± said Jed inspecting the gap.

    ¡°The frame is crinkled up from your rollover causing things to not stay shut correctly,¡± said Mule.

    ¡°Nope I locked it up right before we had the run in with those bandits back along the tracks,¡± sputtered Jed ¡°They might have looted me for killing some of their troops and took that fancy crossbow we got from the Crazins too,¡± he finished lifting the lid.

    The crossbow in question loaded with sharp crystal found itself pointed at his chest.

    ¡°Reach for the sky!¡± said Queen Elizabethy, as she climbed out the trunk in camouflaged garb.

    Mule looked over at Jed with both hands in the air.

    ¡°Oh boy ain¡¯t we got ourselves tied up in a mess now, so much for that shortcut,¡± mused Mule.

    ¡°Don¡¯t move the pair of you,¡± commanded the Queen, keeping her eyes locked on both of them.

    The deadly device rotated back and forth from man to beast.

    ¡°No hard feeling gents but i''ll be commandeering your truck,¡± she said, climbing into the cab.

    ¡°You know how to drive a stick shift rig?¡± asked Mule as politely as he was capable.

    The truck started up, lurched forward, and then stalled. The Queen loudly beat on the steering wheel in rage before turning it on, and stalling again.

    ¡°I can¡¯t drive it either lady, only Mule can handle a truck hauling this kind of load,¡± said Jed crossing his arms.

    ¡°Well get in mutt, and drive under arrow tip¡± she hollered, climbing out and pointing her weapon with fierce intent.

    ¡°And Jed?¡± inquired Mule.

    ¡°He stays right here behind in the dust,¡± hissed Elizabethy stomping both feet.

    She kicked a small rock from the road at Jed who ducked.

    ¡°You need me to get out of here you know before the Highwaymen come to finish what they started with you, and I need Jed to finish this delivery,¡± said Mule.

    ¡°I¡¯ll shoot you, I really will!¡± yelled the Queen raising her bow, while her eyes became further crazed, almost popping out of the sockets.

    ¡°You need us if you want to live, your leverage on us isn¡¯t what you think, and time is running out¡± finished Mule unafraid.

    The Queen pointed her weapon at Jed who looked her directly in the eyes until she understood what the only logical option was.

    ¡°Fine you get us out of here, you sit in the middle, and I¡¯ll keep my bolt pointed at both,¡± she said.

    Mule climbed aboard with Jed cramped to his side leaving a wide berth for the Queen to sit in the passenger seat of the ride.

    ¡°DRIVE!¡± she commanded with a screech that pierced flesh like a needle sword.

    The engine roared to life as flames spit from the smokestacks. The truck groaned to accelerate as they began to climb the steep hill. It wasn''t long at the top before the truck was descending down. Mule rode the engine brake to keep things under control. The trees all around began to thin, and what remained was gray, leafless, and lifeless with water-log.

    The tires splashed aside a large puddle that had leaked into the road from the swampland opening up on both sides. Visibility quickly became limited as a fog thicker than bug stew clung to the windows, and turned travel to a crawl. Elizabeth dry heaved at the stench of rotting death leaking into the cab. She quickly rolled her window locked tight with spare hand, before using it to pinch her nose.

    ¡°This ain¡¯t a friendly place. We certainly haven''t traveled here before, but it¡¯s on the map looking like normal terrain when it could be a poison swamp,¡± said Jed, scanning to make out anything in the mist.

    The light crystal high beams could just barely cut through enough to see the path directly ahead. The sparse dead woods had grown mangled with branches casting distorted moving shadows. What could be seen of the swamp water was nothing but black abyss with occasional bubbles. It was completely silent with not even a lil peep from a frog. The truck slowly moved along. The road had become covered in a thin layer of muddy water, but they pressed on.

 37: Darkwave

    The walls to the former Elf gourmet coffee shop rumbled under heavy synths. A line of filthy ravers waited outside the establishment while others burned stuff, and danced over broken glass in the street. The corporate logo of beans forming an elven currency symbol had been spray painted over with graffiti calls to anarchy. The golden walls had been scratched to pieces and covered with posters for all the hottest topics popular with the scene kids. Inside the club the Death Drag Piercers were performing their latest set under blinding crystal strobes lights.

    ¡°I¡¯ve got nothing of substance to say, but a lot to take. Treated like a villain from birth till I snap apostate. Say I''m a royal pain in the ass, spoiled the town with a frown, well I raise the dead so you dance,¡± Edward slurred in the microphone with a shoe over it.

    He stood gazing into the crowd before strutting behind the former frappe bar in his underwear, drunk, blitzed, and forgetting words. The rest of the band played in the dress clothing and makeup fitting of their band name. The motley crew of their harem of every gender, both living and dead danced along.

    Durner took over stomping on a box to fuzz up his lead guitar, while chanting gang vocals to fill the mix. Edward continued to slap his bass with his picking hook playing nothing but the same 1/8th notes repeated. The band let off the gas leaving only Roger swinging on his drums made from human skins.

    ¡°You guys know that we aren¡¯t usually a fan of wrapping things around here, I blame my upbringing,¡± said Edward, winking at the shrieking fans. ¡°But on the other hand we do love rap music so give it up for our very special guest Drill_Mold,¡±.

    ¡°Freestyle a good beat to ride on gents¡± instructed Drill_Mold to the band somewhere offstage.

    Cap began playing samples of industrial drills with his keys, as the lights went dark as turntables began to scratch.

    ¡°Check it out yo!¡± another sample began before skipping to another language further on.

    Durner laughed.

    A hulking slasher walked out wearing a slain cult leader''s bloody robes, and signature jeweled hockey mask. The beat slowed to a zombie crawl before the DJ chopped and screwed in some saxophones. Roger picked up on the cymbals, while Cap started mixing in distorted demon cowbells.

    ¡°Came her to play with my freaks, two dead bitches around my arms, and two more in my trunk, take a ride with me living free on the edges of society, because there''s only one life so why not try a little of everything, fuck the rest, light the fuse, blow em all, follow your own rules but always remember to treat your momma like a Queen,¡± free-styled Drill_Mold.

    Now the DJ was really screwing with his Terp pressed vinyls on the turntable. Edward began to miss basic bass notes while remembering the ransom letter that had gone unanswered backstage. The song was soon finished, and the crowd clamored for more by throwing bras and jockstraps into the arena. As they raged for an encore Edward was nowhere to be seen. He had thrown on the nearest clothes he could find that happened to be merch from the band that was very sticky.

    He slicked his hair back as he creeped out the back door into the alley. He climbed onto his parked magma cycle that roared like a lion. The bike rapidly accelerated over a dead street under full moons. His hand revved the engine up to maximum overdrive on the open road with his hook freely dangling at the side. Soon he was barreling down the highway as Elf city burned behind in the skyline. His long black mane blowing in the winds en route to the Killin Woods.

    Meanwhile in the swamp the air sat still, and so did the big rig hauling a tanker full of Jungle Juice.

    ¡°We are sitting ducks stuck in the thick mud,¡± said Mule, pulling open the door with his teeth.

    "Click,"

    The donkey''s hairs stood up as the doors were locked, and a weapon was aimed at him in close quarters.

    ¡°You are staying with me so the two of you don''t conspire together outside, and I know I¡¯m not about to be dumped in a bog,¡± cried Queen Elizabethy.

    She double checked her crossbows bolt was still in place, and the passenger door behind her was locked shut.Stolen content warning: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.

    ¡°Roll that window up before some kind of creature sneaks in, and under the bucket seat,¡± she commanded.

    A tapping on the outside of the truck cut off the bickering.

    ¡°Mule I need you out here to work a shovel¡± yelled Jed, standing outside the window.

    ¡°Lady, we aren''t going to just run off into a dark swamp and leave you here with our precious cargo, so stay in here, stay safe, and we will dig the truck out in one piece¡± said Mule.

    He unlocked the door with his teeth, and left without any respect for the Queen¡¯s ability to slay. All four hooves splashed into a thin layer of water before the mud sucked them in just like the truck tires.

    ¡°Here you go buddy time to start digging¡± said Jed, approaching with a shovel and placing it in his mouth.

    Jed grabbed a hoe and walked back towards the bright lights made by the headlights. In the ditch he had knocked loose many dead limbs beside the grill. The water and mud began to fling away from the front most tire as the pair got to work. It appeared no visible progress was happening when it came to freeing the truck. Unsatisfied with this strategy he stuck his tool into the mud, and put his body weight onto it.

    ¡°Mule I think we need to come up with something else here, how about we try putting some of the dead wood around us under the wheels as leverage, I also think it¡¯s time to cut off my race car like the tumor it has become in working to kill us¡± said Jed before running out of breath.

    "Alright I think I''ve got some chains in my cabin we can wrap around these wheels," responded Mule, climbing back inside with the Queen.

    "Peewee you smell like one of my sewage treatment plants," she said, holding her nose.

    "I thought you wanted me in here with you," teased Mule, as he got mud all over the place in the process of climbing into the back.

    Elizabethy had murder on her mind as she set down the weapon, and the sun visor. She began to clean the dark circles off her face, while Mule shook around looking for supplies in the back.

    A floating light approached the rear. The donkey revealed itself carrying the crystal light in his mouth before setting it on the ground in order to speak.

    ¡°Alright man, I hope your stonesaw is still in the cabin, because we are going to need it to cut some big sticks,¡± said Mule.

    ¡°Yeah it is unless our traveling companion threw it out, in that case we will be screwed¡± said Jed.

    He labored through the mud past 18 wheels, and to the passenger door where he politely knocked. Mule picked up his light and followed easily due to his weight being balanced on four hooves. Elizabethy rolled her window down just a hair to let out a huff, and a puff.

    "What do you want now, I''m not getting out there, and I''m not letting you touch me and go around to the other door," she cried.

    "Very well madam there''s a saw around your feet there that I need.. Do you mind handing it to me through the window?" he asked, politely.

    "Hmmmf,"...

    The driver''s side door swung open. Jed raised an eyebrow, as he heard her handling the saw.

    "Splash!"

    ¡°Here we are,¡± said Jed, pulling his stonesaw out of the ditch and dusting it off.

    The device was powered by electro crystals that rotated a belt of razor sharp cutting crystals. This was a deadly, but very loud combination.

    ¡°Now we just need to find ourselves some victim wood,¡± said Jed, looking off into the fog filled swamp waters.

    ¡°Well you can''t kill what''s already dead, but I''d say that specimen is perfect,¡± observed Mule, pointing a hoof to the hulking shadow of a waterlogged oak.

    Jed slowly waddled into the murky waters lifting his saw overhead. He could feel some real squishy stuff underneath his boots, and rationalized that If a predator was lurking underneath his fancy armor would hopefully be enough to stop teeth. The water was a pitch black void, and the sediment he was kicking up was more rancid than any skunk. All the bubbles, and splashes of probably only Jed were the only sounds nearby. He finally made the crossing to the other side and pulled himself onto a giant mound of soggy moss where the tree sat. It was the closest tree to being in the center of the headlights, but now he realized that he needed to cut at certain angles to avoid becoming blinded by the lights, and making a fetal mistake.

    "Alright here goes nothing," said Jed assuring himself

    He began yanking up and down on the device''s pull cord. The saw came alive spitting sparks into the water, moss, and onto Jed''s metal armored legs. He quickly made his first incision into the tree while the smoke mixed with the mist on the water. He cut in 90 degrees, pulled the saw out, and then completed cutting an acute angle into the wood that he knocked out. Now he would cut from the other side so as to fall the knotted monstrosity without crushing him or their ride.

    Jed turned, and gave mule the thumbs up. The saw screamed as it cut deep into the wood, and it reverberated throughout Jed''s arms as he held on tight. If he made a mistake and pinched the blade there was no getting it out. A guttural growling began growing louder and louder until it had overpowering the sound of the machine. The sound of a predatory animal that made even the most hardened man freeze with goosebumps. There was no timber called as the tree began to slowly fall. Its dead limbs splintered apart, and stuck into the ground like spears on the way down. The trunk hit the water causing a giant splash, while a massive roar filled the air of the entire swamp.

 38: Cannibal Song

    Dead limbs swayed in the breeze.

    "Snifffff. That meat has gone by," observed Edward, fixing his drip.

    The clown corpses lay where they had been tied; full of scars, burns, missing toes, and fingers. One stripped of everything but his head on a spike. A song of white speckled birds perched above as snowflakes fell. It was a murder and gulls that descend to feast with the flies and larvae already going to town.

    Edward climbed back aboard his metal steed. The crystal coated snot dripped from his nose to freeze mid air while flames shot from the exhaust pipes warming knee''s. He was off the country roads thick into a swamp. The water quickly evaporated from the bike in a plume of steam. The spiked wheels flung muddy waters all over. Reeds marked quick sand full of clams. Jets of hot steam shooting from the ground marked drops into boiling pits. Mist rolled in, and the sound of gulls ceased. His designer crocodile skin boots matched the setting.

    ¡°GROWL¡±.

    A big bad beast nearby let rip deadly roars. The thrashings of a 10 ton zombie bear reverberating throughout swampland on the prowl for food. A rotten tree nearby collapsed under its own weight splashing up a cloud of fungus soup into the humid air. Edward stopped his magma cycle to break into a coughing fit, and shake his fist.

    On the other side of the swamp Jed rested. His saw was steaming, overheating beside him. They both sat in a heap over the muddy lawn. Mule and the Queen were in the nearby big rig full of jungle juice.The tires slowly climbed cut wooden sticks getting away from him. His totaled hot rod remained at his side cut off from being towed. It was a casualty of the journey. He had taken everything out of its storage he could. His tools, a few he used to remove the mounted gun from the hood. It and the controller quickly unbolted and threw it in the cab.

    The air horn blew several times, alerting everything in the nearby vicinity. Jed''s body quivered with a fit of fear. Something had happened to give their position away. The low guttural growls filled the breeze. He could just make out two shadows fighting inside the truck cab through the window. The horn stopped beeping as mist covered whatever was happening.

    Jed ran to the truck readying his electric cutter overhead. The vehicle had stalled in front of him just over a culvert pipe. He threw open the driver''s door. There was nobody home, just blood left on the seat.

    ¡°Where the farc?¡± he said, looking dumbfounded.

    Jed started looking under the truck just in case.

    ¡°Poof!¡±

    There was a flash of light. Inside the big rig the Queen had shot Mule in the back with an arrow. His body violently spammed out of control hitting the horn. It wasn¡¯t long before adrenaline brought him back to focus. He had the reflexes to knock Elizabethy out with an upper cut hoof. Now she was the one convulsing. Mule struggled licking at an crossbow bolt pinning his hind leg to the bucket seat with whimpers.

    "Why?" Stammered Jed, looking on in horror.

    "She took me to the core with her Jed. A land of terror no mind comes back from unscathed. She went completely mad before we were teleported back here," gasped Mule, as blood spurted from his wound.

    Jed climbed over and ripped a patch from the Queens jacket to tie off the wound. He deposited his saw into the sleeping quarters behind. He grabbed onto the first aid kit spilling out the contents until he found the right stuff.

    ¡°I¡¯m going to need you to grab onto the arrow, and pull it out,¡± said Mule.

    ¡°Alright¡± said Jed, grabbing hold.

    He pulled, and pulled, but the bolt held a firm grip onto the flesh.

    ¡°Common!¡± screamed Mule.

    Jed pulled with all remaining strength, focused on nothing else.

    ¡°Pop!¡±

    The splinter expelled from the wound. Jed, and his prize fell onto the floor. Mule gripped a torch in his mouth, holding it looking for something to light it.

    Jed didn''t have pockets in his suit of armor. He dove head first into searching the glove box, returning empty handed.

    ¡°Check her pockets for a lighter, I saw her use it while we were trapped together in the mad, mad core¡± said Mule, dropping the torch, and burning the seat.

    ¡°Alright Jed you''re going to have to drive us now, and give me that bolt to bite on let''s go¡± said Mule.

    ¡°Ahh ha¡± said Jed triumphantly.

    In his hands a flint, and soon a spark that lit the torch. He turned the flames on as low of a setting as they could go.

    ¡°This is going to hurt. Of course you know that,¡± said Jed, wincing.

    ¡°Get it over with already,¡± demanded Mule, biting down on the bloody bolt.

    Jed burned at wound, filling the cab with a cooking scent. After he smeared on stink bug honey. It acted as a disinfectant, adhesive for the bandage he rolled. Mule dragged himself over to where the queen laid slack-jaw.This novel''s true home is a different platform. Support the author by finding it there.

    "Farc the Queen" said Jed, helping open the passenger door.

    They dumped her unconscious body off in the marsh by the side of the road.

    "Bear bait," stated Mule.

    Jed struggled with the big rig shifting into third gear at too low of a speed. The truck shook, and jerked almost stalling out.

    "Shift down a gear dammit Jed," yelled Mule in pain.

    "Sorry I''m not trying to get us killed here, I''m doing the best I can I swear" said Jed.

    The truck roared out of bounds of the swamp to safety on a highway of cobblestone.

    "Vroom" the engine groaned.

    "Ok you can shift up now" scolded Mule.

    Mule turned on the radio to rocking guitars playing. He rolled over, passing out to heal his damaged body. The fog of war has cleared now revealing ancient spruce. The trees grew shorter as the truck climbed along a path blasted through twin peaks. Snow was falling heavily now. A winter storm was starting to brew threatening to derail them from getting out of here in time. The guard rail was a thin mesh with the occasional log. The drop below was certainly deadly. Wind whipped the big rig threatening to blow it off the mountain.

    Edward spotted the zombie gnawing on something. It was the carcass of a car. The bear bit it working to retrieve the prize inside. The grizzly¡¯s fur was rotten away showing bones, and sinew. What was left of yellow teeth ground against the metal. The beast pulled the top down like a can of pickled snails. It smelled like them too. Next it bit into the body of somebody dead contained within the metal coffin.

    Edward performed a drive by slashing with his hook. He slowed the bike revving to turn around in the marsh. Looking at the work he had done behind, where he could spot the loosened back flap that fell apart revealing ribs. The bear turned stunned. It had a face full of different reanimated crystals stabbed into it like it had bitten into a porcupine. They pulsed black in the light of two full moons. In its mouth was his mother. She looked dead like the zombie grizzly that towered in front of him standing on its hind legs.

    ¡°AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA GGGGGGGGGG!¡± said Edward charging in on his hog.

    The zombie grizzly swiped left, throwing the raging emperor from off his bike. He tumbled twice, before his tree hooked into the mud, and pulled him up. He was standing on two feet, and charged. The bear dropped the Queen and charged forward on all four paws.

    Slash, Slash, Slash..

    Edward attacked over, and over in a rage. He screamed like he used to back in the early stages of his band. The grizzly swiped again, and sent him spiraling back into the air.

    ¡°Thud!¡¯

    Edward fell on top of the opened hot rod. The seat cushioning the fall, but his armor had already been ripped in deep by claws drawing some blood. His vision was hazy. The sound of gulls gathering could be heard again. They had perched on what little trees remained to eat trash.

    The bear roared a sonic attack shaking the car, then it charged. It pounced onto the frame crushing it and trapped Edward in the backseat. He started cutting through the floorboards with his hook trying to escape only to realize the vehicle had been knocked into a boiling tub of liquid heat boiling below. The core of Tenare would save him from the lava. He took out a board with electrified circuitry, cast a spell, and placed it in a Farc. His body began to dissipate. He was off just as the core of the car began to melt.

    He tumbled through the air. Falling headfirst into the frozen core. Below him screams, and shouts. He smashed into the snow. On the edge of a glacier on a collapsed outer wall. The former palace of ice he had intended to make the capital city lay in ruin. Zombie leprechauns attacked, ripping out necks of knights down below him. The dead wizard used his staff to make the dead dance macabre. Nancy the blind as a bat skeleton necromancer was feeling around looking to taste some flesh.

    "I thought I was escaping death," sighed Edward.

    One of the zombie leprechauns had spotted him. It alerted its brother with gurgling noises.

    "Fresh flesh Mickey looks over there on those rocks," said Ratom pointing at a target.

    "Let''s get them brains," drooled Mickey.

    The two dead sprinted across the parking lot. Edward saw them coming and readied his hook for battle. The wizard saw this and joined in throwing himself forward like an ape. The zombies began to climb up the glacier wall.

    "What''s going on I can¡¯t see?" said Nancy.

    The first leprechaun charged forward its fangs ready to draw blood. Edward slashed while Ned cast a grave spell sending electric bolts zooming. Edward raised his hook, and the crystal slasher sparked deflecting. It was a good thing he was protected by having so much rubbers on him that the electricity was grounded away into the rocks around.

    "Dagnabbit," said Ned.

    He deployed his backup plan of putting a super charged magnet power out. The device was a retractable stack that was extended into something that looked like a fishing rod. The two zombies wore dental fillings that ripped them back from the battle. Edward''s hook was picked up by the field too, and him with it. He found himself sucked forward until he grabbed onto a ledge with his blackened fingernails. The hook was still getting pulled by the magnet, and Edward was getting pulled apart.

    "Gotcha now didn''t I he he," said Ned reeling in the magnetic field with a crank like he was pulling in like an invisible fishing line.

    "Oh good, have you finally caught us some food," said Nancy, having found them.

    "Don''t lie sweetheart, we''ve been eating well all week since we discovered this fortress," said Ned the zombie wizard.

    "Ahh yes, slowly picking them off one by one to slow roast their bones in my cauldron," cackled the skeleton zombie witch.

    Edward groaned in pain as his precious implant was peeled away from skin.

    ¡°Plop,¡±.

    The hook finally snapped away, taking a rocket of puss and blood in its wake.

    "I hooked myself a fancy crystal hook for an arm now didn''t I," laughed Ned.

    "Want me to help?" asked Nancy.

    "Yes mam chop off my hand, I''m going to have myself a hook," said the dead wizard.

    "Whenever you''re ready, let me know," she said, raising a gleaming katakana looted from the icy fortress.

    "Now you go but straight downwards no sudden jerks," said Ned, placing one of his hands under her sword.

    "Chop!"

    Off came Ned''s hand. He laughed, slapping on King Edward''s most prized possession even over his harem members.

    "Boys, I need a light," said Ned, taking a crystal torch from his cloak.

    Ratom had a cheap disposable he had always kept on him long before he ever got into any trouble. He lit up the wizards dead flesh fusing it with the new custom killing apparatus.

    What remained living was in hiding. Having run into the dungeons locking themselves in and putting lots of furniture behind the doors. Nearby in a hidden crevice Edward cradled his stump. He wasn''t just in severe pain from his physical trauma, he was mental too. His soul had been shattered upon seeing the corpse of his mother. He needed his hook back, and to return back to save her from the zombie grizzly bear. He lit a fire under one of many crystal rocks he had hidden. The hard part of the equation.The problem if he teleported himself back it would be directly into the jaws of death.

 39: Rocky Mountain

    The Queen was dead. The zombie grisly ate her brains out and left the rest for the seagulls. Killin company had managed to successfully tag another royal game. The coroner of the woods zipped Elizabethy the 13th into a body bag. The sheriff and a few men stared at the outlaws who had found her mauled apart. Killin Hood played with his mustache watching the scene unfold.

    "I know those truckers we let through the wood tried to help her try to escape, and even worse as soon as the going got rough they used her as bait," said Killin Hood.

    "We''ll keep looking for them," said the sheriff.

    "Of course, we can help hunt them to the very flat edges of this planet where hopefully the royal reward will be extremely large," said the big boss of Killin wood.

    "You boys stay out of trouble or you will face the heat of the empire again. Area is closed to hunting and no rewards are being offered to bandits for anything as always. If I have my way there won''t be any deals at all when you get raided this time," scolded the sheriff of the wild area. "Giddy Up" he yelled to his horse, departing after the hearse.

    Killin Hood smiled, baring his yellowing teeth that resembled sharks.

    "Yes sir, see you again real soon," he slyly called back.

    The zombie bear continued rampaging throughout the swamp in a frenzy of agitation. Killin Hood''s men had finally managed to stop it with a trap. It roared while swiping at a henchmen who dived narrowly avoiding being shaved. The hindquarters ensnared in sharp spikes kept it from taking another life.

    "We will have a cage here soon, Goldenrod, now who''s been a good girl," swooned the head zombie grizzly bear trainer, cracking his whip.

    The zombie grizzly blasted them with saliva as it continued to rage. The whip tried to lash back, but was wound round a claw, and the man dragged towards death. He screamed being shredded while the other stayed back and awkwardly looked in the other direction waiting for the slow death to be delivered.

    Kllin Hood bent to study tracks leaving the swamp, and walked to where the hot rod had melted. The woodsmen in hazmat suits studied the machine''s guts burned by intense heat bubbling forth from beneath the planet. The ground was ripped apart everywhere in this area, filled with dirty water, plasma and other strange matter. One worker got stuck in the mud walking forward. He went tumbling overhead to struggle in a large puddle.

    ¡°Watch your steps men. COUGH. Anyway we saw the King come in here, and we have his bike. We¡¯ve disposed of the Queen with the help of our beast, but he has disappeared from our trap without a trace,¡± said Killin Hood.

    ¡°Perhaps he is in the stomach of the bear or more likely melted in the wreck,¡± theorized the 2nd in charge, with a hiss.

    A bandit lizard leaning against the abandoned bike flicking a long reptile tongue.

    ¡°No. The human king remains alive. He will be our biggest hunt yet, and the proudest trophy on my mantle, and I have a feeling I know where he is hiding out,¡± said Killin Hood, taking something out of his pocket.

    ¡°Aye,¡± said the henchmen standing around him.

    Their boss clicked a button cashing in on one of his killstreaks.

    ¡°Care package inbound,¡± a static voice played from a speaker.

    ¡°Too bad I already used the chopper gunners fuel up earlier,¡± he paused, picking the device to his ear. ¡°Where¡¯s my k-9 unit I called in an hour ago,¡± he yelled.

    ***************

    Meanwhile the flames of a campfire crackled revealing snowflakes falling down the side of the mountain. The big rig was parked for the night under cover of a large rock overhanging it. The winds were too fierce for the journey to continue until morning.This content has been misappropriated from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

    A rusty knife delivered a puncture to a can of ham. Jed retrieved their supper by scooping the moist contents out. It plopped on an iron cooker heated by the fire. Mule lay on his back resting. The contents were cooking. Jed flipped over the thin layer of seared meat. Mule licked his lips in anticipation at the smells wafting to him.

    Mule''s wound had appeared to have stopped bleeding. Jed had recently applied a fresh bandage and his stead was awake standing on his injured leg. He limped over to Jed. The man fed the donkey what remained of raw food from the can, and soon the rest of it was cooked. They ate together warmed from the outside frost. The two moons lit the mountains, and the stars sparkled around them. Mule winced, his eyes hurt, his leg really hurt. That wasn''t all his brain was very foggy ever since the Queen had dragged him to the core against his will.

    ¡°I¡¯ll take a shift to watch over things, Jed you should get some sleep so you can drive good tomorrow,¡± said Mule.

    ¡°I suppose that is a good idea. Yawn.. As long as you''re up for it friend,¡± said Jed, cleaning the pan with snow.

    He returned to the camp, and stretched his arms back on a crate. Mule had him take out his harmonica and set it up on a stand. Jed made sure to save the hard-case of tools from his hot rod, and the hard-case containing his banjo. The donkey began to play a lonesome lullaby with no hands. Jed joined in a traditional tune about fires, mountains, flying swords, and moons. They played a few more folk songs written by slaves protesting the government.

    Jed retired realizing the same problems written a hundred years ago still applied today. He placed his instrument in the heated cab where he ended up sleeping.

    In the morning birds tweeted while Mule held an industrial hose in his mouth. He was pumping liquid brew from one tank into another. The jungle juice would act as liquid coolant, and lubricant for the big rig''s crystal core engine. Meanwhile Jed double checked the chains around the two front tires.

    ¡°Alright, so here''s where my trucking skills will really be tested while you still are injured,¡± said Jed, sliding back the seat, and lifting the wheel.

    ¡°I hope you¡¯ve got what it takes,¡± said Mule, slamming the passenger door.

    They lurched forward onto the dicey mountain pass. The smokestacks leaked into the clouds, as the tires climbed the ice road. The rays of the three suns were the closest either had ever been to reaching them forcing Mule to backseat. Jed''s eyes were protected by his Epic branded trucking hat, and cool crystal glasses. The path eroded leaving only a narrow band to safety.

    ¡°Take it easy now, because this is a one strike and you''re out of this type of deal,¡± said Mule.

    ¡°I can see that let me focus,¡± said Jed.

    He gripped tight hold of the wheel, while taking as big a breath as possible to relax himself.The truck slowly inched along driving snow and gravel falling off road hundreds of feet below. Mule glanced out at the drop to certain death, and gulped. The road angled sideways tilting them to an angle, and teeth were gritted.

    ¡°Almost there, We got it,¡± said Jed, hands locked on the wheel, and eyes dead focused.

    The cab almost cleared the danger. All that was left was the large vat of jungle juice hanging out in the elements. The wind whipped the trailer threatening to blow them off with it. Jed felt the power leaving the vehicle as they were sucked back. He shifted into first gear, and smashed on the pedal. The metal smoke stacks had turned bright red with the roaring fires. The truck slowly pulled itself up climbing the steep rock.

    Jed sighed, as they cleared the hump to a flat roadway. They had made the trek to the top. The trees were absent now, except for little bushes. The snow was very thin up here, and so was the air.

    ¡°I wonder if we have air crystals aboard here in case the atmosphere gets too thin?¡± asked Jed.

    ¡°Actually I do have some gas masks back there in our inventory. Good idea, I''ll go fetch them,¡± said Mule.

    He adjusted the seat to climb further back of the cab. The truck lurched and the donkey smacked his head on a medical chest.

    ¡°Oh man I hope it¡¯s smooth sailing soon, I''m not sure how much more bad fortune I can take,¡± said Mule.

    He found the gas masks containing crystalized air and brought them back to the front. They both slapped them on for full breathing support. The truck had already reached what looked like the highest elevation of the road through the mountain, and the incline had started to go down.

    Above the road on a peak three scouts crouched in hiding in winter camouflage. One of them looked on with a long crystal scope, but they all spied for the same boss.

    ¡°We¡¯ve found the target, let''s get back to where we have service,¡± said a man compacting his spying device.

    They climbed aboard fast snow machines on treads zipping off towards the direction of the swamp and Killin Wood.

    Here in a dark thicket things were going exactly to plan. The coroner of the woods escorted his latest autopsy project. His party included the sheriff for protection. They carried torches, some rode horses, and a few gripped blunderbusses. They were heading to the morgue before the family would be notified to come get their corpse. This was going to be the best paying job he ever did, as well as the first royal he cut up.

    Suddenly a particularly toady looking Bootlicker of the party croaked out. A garrote wound out behind the neck dragging people into the shadows. A horse ran off dragging the flailing body of the sheriff impaled by a throwing knife while arrows cut down a few trying to run for cover. The coroner threw his arms up in surrender. He was executed along with everyone else.

 40: Ghouls n Ghosts

    Edward woke deep in the cold core of the planet. There was the sound of muffled pops outside the cavern. He cradled his throbbing headache in one hand trying to focus inward away from the overwhelming pain. His hand was in far worse condition because it had long ago been cut off by his witch of an ex when she was still quarter human. The appendage had been replaced with a sharp crystal cutting hook, but his heart had never recovered her ultimate rejection. Funny enough it hadn¡¯t taken long escaping to the core before running into her again lurking in here with her newest zombie boyfriend. To add salt to his wounds they had taken the only thing he had left. His prized hook nabbed by Ned, who had let Nancy cut off his own arm in order to re-attach it to himself.

    Edward let out a loud sigh while he inspected his bloody stump. It had started to scab over with little scales of hard crystal that mixed with the dried red. He climbed to his feet after ripping off his shirt and tying it around the hardening wound. He shivered in the cavern as he teased his hair, and wet his face from a cold puddle that he used as a mirror. After kicking a hole in the ice he returned to looking at stalactites above him were green luck crystals that dripped water onto the floor the same color. The mushrooms here were plump red with white spots, and exploding in growth all over. He took his crown hanging off a stalagmite, put it back in place, and kicked a path through the shrooms as he headed for the exit. If he wasn''t on a strict carnivore diet he might have tried micro-dosing a few raw mushrooms for supper.

    Edward stuck his head out of the hole in the ground. Some of the surviving Knights from the ruins of the crystal ice castle were in the process of making their great escape. They had previously taken refuge inside the dungeon, but that had been a mistake. A gunfight was taking place in the ice castle''s courtyard. The knights unloaded their clips, or swung their swords clearing the path of the dead towards a slow moving van. A truck with a full bed headed for the hills, and a second van had fallen into a ditch and now functioned as bait. The advancing zombie horde found themselves full of lead, but still moving.

    ¡°Bang, Bang, Bang!¡± a knight fired off his pistol at a zombie leprechaun drawing close.

    The bullets shot out the other side of the leprechaun while his teeth dug into the screaming flesh. Another knight took out his massive musket with a bayonet stabbing Mickey in the chest before blowing him apart at the seams.

    ¡°Grrrr¡± said Ratom, eating another knight''s brains around the corner.

    A fresh wave of hungry skeletons had been dug up. The knights blasted apart the animated bones turning them into dust with every hit. The mob was being mopped up.

    ¡°We have got to get out of here,¡± said a knight wearing rusted scraps for armor.

    ¡°You can say that again, Scrappy,¡± said another knight through the van''s open window.

    He was the driver wearing crystal plated armor. The van slowly advanced as the Knights pilled in the opened back door. Edward ran from his crevice to the street. He stood waving for help.

    ¡°Oh man that looks like trouble, what are you thinking fellas?¡± said the driver.

    ¡°We gotta pick him up, Look at the crown he might have a key to our teleportation out of here, don¡¯t be dumb¡± said Scrappy. .

    The van skidded to a stop in front of what appeared to be a royal. The rear door swung open. Those inside looked sternly out.

    ¡°I''m glad there''s still some civility around here,¡± said Edward, waving as the van screeched to a stop, and the door swung back.

    ¡°Your highness weren¡¯t you supposed to have some kind of hooker on you at least according to legend?¡± inquired a curious knight aboard.

    ¡°You must have missed I¡¯m emperor now,¡± Edward laughed, fitting into tight quarters.

    ¡°Let''s get going now,¡± said the passenger, hitting the driver''s shoulder to get his attention.

    ¡°Right, Right I know it''s dangerous¡± said the driver.

    The driver took off with a slurp of schlock out of a straw from his insulated cup.

    ¡°So how long have you knights been trapped in the core?¡± asked Edward.

    ¡°We don¡¯t know,¡± said one.

    ¡°How so you must have some vague clue?¡± asked Edward again.

    ¡°Look man, this place is a twisted house of horrors. We are so mentally messed up, we don¡¯t know, So just listen here we need you to get us teleported. We''ll work to piece everything else together at home alright¡± screamed Scrappy at him in frustration. .

    ¡°Right, that is a sound plan I''m also extremely interested in, I¡¯ll be the one to take you to the nearest teleport pad,¡± said King Edward to his men.

    The van erupted full of cheers.

    "Here man take the shirt off my back," said a knight unfastening his armor.

    The road had become snow, but luckily this van was jacked up, and four wheel drive. The driver put in a Terp tape, and the vehicle played old-school rock n roll. The studded all terrain tires rumbled, and slammed as they smeared a group of corpses out of the way. Edward fit into the graphic long sleeve sweatshirt of the royal knucklehead sports team.The author''s narrative has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.

    "There''s the entrance to a teleport," said Edward, pointing down a side road.

    He saw Ned through the building window on the top floor. The corpse was standing on the roof playing with his hook. They came to a stop at the end of the street.

    "Give me a blunderbuss, and stay behind while I clear the building," ordered Edward.

    "Take mine," said the driver, passing one that had been cradled between the hole in the seat and console.

    Edward was running along a shoveled path. The building was a hollowed block of ice. He smashed a frosted window with his scaled stump, then climbed inside. The floor was slippery, accumulated drips from the ceiling melting. He had spotted Ned on the roof. He crouched up the steps with blunderbuss ready. The second floor looked empty. He heard the knights crashing around on the lower level. His eyes scanned this level one more time. It was time to move on to the next. Edward started feeling his way up the steps in the dark.

    "Grrrrr!"

    What sounded like a little rat dog was waiting above. Ratom jumped out of the dark onto Edward, knocking off his crown, and going in for a bite of meat.

    "AAAA" cried Edward.

    The zombie leprechaun snapped his sharp teeth held back from brains by the stump. Edward briefly lost his footing descending back to the second story floor. The zombie bit harder into the stump. He tried swinging and flattened the creature into a box of bricks, but it remained dug in like a tick. Next he took a folding chair breaking it over the zombie leprechaun to no effect. He smashed it through a glass window, but it bit into his arm harder.

    A convenient icebox was in the corner. Edward opened the door, and placed the attacking creature''s head between the rubber seal. He slammed the door closed, and open. Again, and again he repeated this process over, and over. The zombie was momentarily stunned falling inside the box it thrashed around. Edward slammed the lid, and clamped the padlock together. The icebox continued to shake. He dusted off his hand and stump as it bled through the shirt. A knight climbed the steps with a light.

    ¡°Where''s the teleport?¡± asked the knight.

    ¡°The roof was where it was unless it was destroyed, I¡¯ll take the lead and follow me,¡± said Edward, throwing himself to his feet.

    The knight had already started up the stairs. Two more had climbed the lower case and had stopped for a chat blocking the way.

    ¡°Out of my way I must be the first man on the roof,¡± screamed Edward.

    He used his stump to whack over the knight who was chit chatting too close. Next he sprinted up the stairs where the leading knight had turned on the lights. The door to the roof was hidden behind a pallet of frozen rations. Scrappy looked around for clues.

    ¡°Help me sir, would you lend me a hand,¡± ordered Edward, pushing unsuccessfully at the obstacle blocking roof access before he started rapping and beating it. ¡°Door stuck!¡±.

    ¡°Of course,¡± said Scrappy, lending aid.

    The rations were dumped over and turned to flour on the flour. The door to the roof was bashed open. Edward ran up the steps, and out into the open. He was blinded by the moonlight.

    ¡°Came looking for this,¡± said Ned, taunting the hook from where he stood on the edge.

    ¡°That¡¯s my property ghoul. Give the hook back to the king or I''ll blast you,¡± replied Edward raising his blunderbuss.

    ¡°No can do, he he. You might have been a king somewhere else, but in the core you are not in charge,¡± said Ned, getting ready to jump.

    ¡°We will see about that,¡± said Edward.

    He hit the dead wizard with a direct shot who tumbled off the roof with his hook laughing all the way down. Reinforcement knights busted onto the roof behind him looking for threats.

    ¡°Where¡¯s the teleport at huh, I don¡¯t see nothing,¡± screamed Scrappy, spitting.

    ¡°It¡¯s been looted off the building or something. It''s been a long time since I was here, fellas remember.. Anyway I gotta get to the ground floor at once,¡± said Edward pushing past them down the dark stairwell.

    He burst outside frantically scanning the snowbanks. They all walked in circles around the building as the driver watched from the parking lot listening to music. There were no signs anywhere of the zombie wizard who had taken his hook.

    ¡°Farc¡± yelled Edward, kicking up the snow in frustration.

    He tripped on the ice and skinned a knee. The knights had already returned to the van and begun to depart. Edward limped forward flagging them until he blocked the end of the road. He jumped in looking like a wreck. The tires were screeching as they peeled off like a banana peel.

    ¡°You put us in danger in another spot you aren¡¯t sure of, and we will leave you for a dead leader of men or not pal if we have too,¡± said Scrappy.

    ¡°Yeah,¡± said the peanut gallery.

    ¡°Alright, I know 100% a sure spot with a teleporter locked inside a vault. It¡¯s a sure bet but more dangerous,¡± assured Edward.

    ¡°Alright where is it?¡± asked the driver, turning down his loud music to hear.

    ¡°Far up ahead on that ledge where the lightning sparks,¡± said Edward pointing to the high mountain above.

    ¡°The old deserted temple that we never cleared because of it being haunted by ghosts?¡± gulped the driver.

    ¡°Yeah well have you looked around lately. It can¡¯t be any deader inside there, then out here. So it''s worth it for sure if that¡¯s how we escape,¡± said a knight.

    The van climbed the hill heading towards the destination. Shadows danced, and morphed outside into intense northern lights. The wind blew screams of dead terror down the mountain at them. Chimes on the temple added to the eerie ensemble. Outside the lights had shifted into dancing green skulls taunting silent laughs at them.

    ¡°Do you see that?¡± shivered the driver who shook.

    ¡°Yeah I did, but you gotta keep driving towards the crystal temple up ahead, that will save us,¡± said Edward, growing impatient.

    The ancient gothic gate was already knocked over. The van drove onto the property, stopping outside the porch and large graveyard. The moon lit up the stones, and large crypts outside. Penguins played in the distance sliding down a bank of a large freshly dug mound of snow.

    "Let''s go quick," said Scrappy.

    The door swung open and they were outside into a graveyard with dirt showing on many fresh plots.

    Moans, snarls, hissing, and grunts began to grow as dead hands pushed out of the soil. An army of raised skeletons had gathered surrounding them. Some of the dead were freshly dead empire soldiers with all their flesh. The sound of a blind witch lost somewhere in the distance cackled.

    "I''ll be taking that back," said the driver, snatching his weapon back from Edward''s single hand.

    "What is your dear leader supposed to do to protect himself out here?" he cried.

    "Use your stump, it looks pretty tough," suggested another knight, readying his sword.

 41: Fun House

    The horde of skeletons, and zombies continued charging into battle with red eyes. Many waves of enemies already lay cut down in pieces easily dealt with by the knights. Emperor Edward no longer had his signature crystal cutting hook. Matter of fact he did not have any weapons on hand to defend himself or slash some food.

    Out of nowhere a frozen terror dropped from a ledge on the temple above. The party ran for cover as a dead on a collision course did a belly flop. The fall stopped them in their tracks danger close. A temporarily stunned the heavily mutated zombie with hardened cyst sacs bloating out of its cult leader uniform. The skin draped loosely, and its head was nothing but solid crystal.

    Edward beat the corpse that barely moved and more tried stabbing, but it barely registered the damage. This creature was completely armored with mutated scales from over exposure. The special zombie was rising, but it was very slow due to being so huge. They backed away as more knights aimed at the creature. A firing line started blasting, and smoke filled the area. The bullets did nothing.

    ¡°Cleave off his head off Bronco,¡± egged on the most rusted knight among them Scrappy.

    ¡°I gotcha,¡± said Bronco, readying his great sword.

    ¡°AAHHHRG¡± he screamed, charging the dead.

    ¡°Clunk!¡±

    The sword remained lodged deep in the special zombie¡¯s neck.

    ¡°Ooooof,¡±.

    Bronco slipped, and toppled down the steps. He smashed his knee, and found himself empty handed separated from the group. The slow special zombie was distracted by another hail of bullets. It lumbered towards Edward with the weapon stuck in its throat. He jogged away from danger to the door of the temple''s ice wall where remaining knights fell back forming a defensive perimeter.

    ¡°We will never kill that one, so we either have to tie it up somehow, or distract it while we get this temple unlocked,¡± yelled Scrappy.

    ¡°I''ve got cables with hooks in the van parked in the courtyard, and a battering ram,¡± said the owner of the vehicle.

    ¡°Good idea, I''ll go fetch em, and Bronco,¡± said Scrappy.

    "I forgot something so I''ll help with this mission," said Edward.

    ¡°And we will keep that thing distracted,¡± said the van owner, reloading his blunderbuss with a femur bone.

    Scrappy ran for the van, but a fresh wave of skeletons had swarmed blocking the path. Edward ran after him dodging the special zombie''s lunging hands from a distance.

    ¡°Bang!¡±

    The special armored zombie took a direct hit from the blunderbuss. It toppled over, but was slowly working to rise again.

    Scrappy slashed at the dead that had surrounded him from every angle. A never ending stream of the dead was walking into the graveyard. Bronco had made it back to the van in one piece. Edward swung his hardened stump breaking six skeletons apart with a single swing. He worked a path to Bronco who fought a zombie with fisticuffs.

    The three arrived at the vehicle at the same time. The zombies had climbed onto the van¡¯s roof threatening them. The other knights blasted them away from a distance where they hid behind rocks holding the dead back for now. Bronco threw open the vans door, Scrappy climbed inside, while Edward checked out his reflection in a side view mirror.

    ¡°Thanks for having my back,¡± said Bronco, grabbing a sword thrown to him in mid air.

    ¡°Huh.. Oh yeah no problem¡± said Edward, slicking back his hair in admiration.

    "Get what you need quickly sir," said Scrappy emerging with the ropes slung around a battering ram.

    Edward grabbed his lost crown in the cupholder, and ran after the knights retreating up the steps. At the entrance to the temple the doors began to shake. The old oak wood groaned from the dead building behind it, as cracks formed. It splintered apart letting a fresh swarm of corpses stamped out. The van owner had turned his attention away to combat the new enemies. He took his eyes off the special armored zombie for too long. It had slowly sunk behind him before suddenly grabbing on, and slowly angled to bite into his juggler.

    ¡°AAAAA!¡± screamed the man.

    The things that came from the temple grounds had various levels of crystal armor coating. The knights around were having their work cut out for them. One of the special zombies was knocked over revealing a weak spot in the back of his plated skull. It was exploited with a crystal cutting sword skewering the brains.

    ¡°Bang!¡±

    Another armored corpse got blasted at close range by a boom-stick exploding the noggin. A third was momentarily stunned from biting, giving a knight the opportunity to backstab its weak area. The van driver had just enough time to reach his pocket before being grabbed onto by three more of them.If you spot this story on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

    ¡°Clear away from the blast!¡± he yelled, unscrewing the lid to a crystal gas grenade.

    ¡°Boom!¡±

    Everything in the courtyard was stunned by the shock-wave of a smallish explosion that ripped a hole through the wall. Another knight was caught too close in the crossfire, making two of them blow to pieces. It began to snow shards of bloodied ice.

    ¡°NOOO¡± said Bronco, dropping the rope they had worked so hard to get.

    Edward¡¯s stump was also bitten on by a zombie. He threw around its weight smacking the thing into a dozen different skeletons. They all exploded into the same cloud of bone dust. He spotted his men being routed inside the temple behind another armored enemy heading for him.

    Inside the temple wall was a garden of ice. Only a trace of a shadow remained thanks to magma bonfires. A path had once been shoveled, but snow had fallen since.

    ¡°We need to get further inside the premises,¡± said Edward, double checking to make sure his crown was on this time.

    ¡°Yes sir,¡± said the knights.

    They ran up the ice steps passing by crystalized statues, and funky smelling burning incense. An open entrance to the building greeted them beside a fire of magma.

    ¡°These cult members came here to worship the crystal, and got just what they sought after all¡± said Bronco.

    The cult members groaned hungry for brains as they rushed behind them.

    ¡±Just like we are sent here to our death,¡± said Scrappy.

    Scrappy and Bronco worked together with a third knight to shut the door to the temple shut behind them. The paws of the dead had forced themselves into cracks blocking it from shutting.

    "Mooseman, get your sword out and start chopping," yelled Scrappy.

    "Yes sir," said the husky knight, tossing his boomstick, and fumbling to take out his sword he almost fell over.

    Another hand grabbed at Mooseman causing an accidental incoming lunge. The sword flipped upwards. It was on a path of grave danger as it came tumbling down. Edward broke a zombie''s arm, swatted the weapon with his crystalizing stump, and picked it up with his good hand mid air.

    "Check my blade," he taunted.

    He grunting, working hard to chop away at the persistent meat with a dulled sword. One of the dead hands attacking had become fully severed. It fell to the floor rushing the shortest among them who was looking in the other direction.

    "Noo Zito watch out!" yelled Scrappy .

    He and the rest of them were forced to hold the door. Zito turned just as he was grabbed around the neck by a severed hand. It began to choke him out with an icy cold grip. Behind him the knights worked overtime putting all their weight until it slammed shut, and was bolted. They rushed to Zito who was hitting the severed hand with a rock. Bronco pulled off the hand, and threw it to the floor. Mooseman picked up his boomstick and blew the meat apart.

    "The energy in this place is bad, I need a teleport out of here as soon as possible¡± said Bronco.

    "No shit" said Zito, throwing rocks at a frozen trout stuck in the transparent wall.

    ¡°I hope this is the last staircase¡± huffed Scrappy, taking the lead.

    The knights headed away, while their dear leader remained behind to look himself in the mirror. They had worked through room after room of nothing but stone walls, meditation mats, and tapestries dedicated to crystal worship. Finally they had reached a parlor decked with mirrors fit fit for a king, a fancy bar, stools, and balls all made of crystals. As well as a pool table lined with fine worsted wool. Edward eyed over his beard stubble, swollen eyes and messy hair. The growing unibrow hairs that were going to be a problem soon too.

    ¡°I can sense it alright, bad stuff is in the air tonight,¡± said Snaggy, popping a corked bottle.

    Edward jumped, and spun around to the sound behind him. The long lost adviser who he had spent far more time with than his parents was looking his age. His glasses were busted, his pockets ripped apart, and his clothes filled with burn holes. One of his legs was missing a shoe, and one of his arms looked like it had been broken in a car crash.

    ¡°Wait a second Snaggy you look like shit.. Wait what are you doing here clown? And since when have you been into drinking schlock I thought you hated that stuff like my mother?¡± asked Edward, sitting alone at the bar.

    "Maybe I''m getting you a glass too fool," said the jester, cartwheeling behind the bar.

    A solitary shot glass had appeared out of thin air.

    ¡°For your information all you smell in here is the stale decay of a stuck up death cult dedicated to the crystals,¡± said Edward, sticking up his nose.

    ¡°If you say so he he, '''' the fool giggled, his beady eyes glowing like lumps of crystals.

    "I''ll be out of here soon, maybe you''re too foolish..Mad Huh?¡± Edward winked. ¡°Well either way this is just a momentary pit-stop on my path to conquering everything out there including this awful place," said the Emperor.

    "Maybe you will, maybe not who knows except the elementals," said the clown showing his fangs, while his makeup continued to melt just like the candles that surrounded them.

    He had a mouth that was three rows deep of crystal cutting teeth, and a tongue that was spiked with barbs that looked like burdock only much deadlier.

    ¡°So Snaggy you being a fool, are the one I most suspect of having knowledge of a way out of the planet''s core,¡± said Edward, climbing up the first of the stairs.

    ¡°A good guess, Yes I am well read about ancient religions, well there¡¯s only one and it¡¯s this way,¡± said Snaggy, pointing to the stairs.

    ¡°Ah so I was right, Good I¡¯m glad I found you when I did,¡± said Edward.

    Snaggy followed behind Edward rubbing his white jester gloves together. The knights were long gone somewhere else by now, but there was only one way forward. The steps shone, and the walls reflected a very crystallized, polished, and slippery nightmare into his eyes. Edward almost slipped, and fell onto a railing.

    "Oh how I wish I had had my precious homicidal hook back so badly. It''s going to be left behind when returning to the surface to kill my mothers killer who I know as the kidnapper, and have his address, but I miss its sweet voices, said Edward slowly walking on ice.

    "Oh no, that''s so sad. Well I''ll be the one to guide you out of this sticky situation pal," said Snaggy.

    ¡°Thanks buddy you were always a real one,¡± said Edward, grinning at his newfound luck.

 42: The Player of Games

    Edward remained stranded in the core of the planet. A place where the living against a mystery controller was hard, and finding a way out was even harder. His stomach rumbled, grumbled, and cried out in pain. It was fortunate that had some emergency food on hand, but for now they needed to be kept alive for his own protection.

    ¡°Hey Snaggy do you think there¡¯s any snacks hidden somewhere in this haunted temple?¡± he asked the foolish sidekick who had been following him like a shadow for a while.

    ¡°No, I don¡¯t think so,¡± said Snaggy.

    The clown smirked revealing deep wrinkles in his caked makeup. His teeth looked sharp, and his costume smelled like a neglected penguin exhibit at the aquarium.

    "You should pick one of your own men like an apple, for it''s much better than starving to death yourself," Snaggy giggled, and started biting at the air.

    "Don''t run your mouth too much friend, for knights are known to fight back, while king''s find fools to be easy things to torment for pleasure," scolded Edward.

    "Hehehe your secrets are safe with me chief, besides I''m nothing but a loose bag of rotten skin and bones at this point," laughed Snaggy.

    Edward grunted and picked up his pace to get away from the annoying troll-like creature that wasn''t helping him. The jester forced its wide perpetually open grin shut with its soiled formerly white gloves. It reached for the zipper on his mouth which slowly closed shut while his eyes twinkled with mischief.

    Edward arrived at the top of the staircase to the start of a hallway the knights had gathered. Their gear scattered and sleeping bags spread on the floor. They drank coffee standing under a hanging surreal painting that looked particularly confusing.

    ¡°Hey you lead the way to my teleport buddy,¡± said Edward.

    The jester had seemingly vanished into thin air on the dark stairs. A cold breeze emerged from the hallway making hairs stand on end, and snuffing out a knight''s lantern.

    ¡°Sorry King the hall leads to a dead end,¡± sighed the biggest knight aptly named Mooseman.

    "We have concluded the teleport here is too primitive, alien, and unstable for us to dare using. Even if I could bypass the security key written in a language never seen, there''s a 90% chance of being disintegrated by a horrible machine misfire," another Knight butted in confidently.

    ¡°I wasn¡¯t asking you Bobby,¡± said Edward, turning his back around.

    ¡°Knock yourself out King, it''s at the very end," said Bobby, adjusting his helmet in a futile attempt to cover the entire length of his neck.

    ¡°Hmm, I will have to look around here and see if you guys missed anything,¡± said Edward, pushing them away.

    "Yeah, we will be sleeping here seeing as we don¡¯t have anywhere else safer to go at the moment,¡± said a third knight, dumping the contents of his backpack madly searching for something between the trash.

    Edward walked down the hallway of many dusty doors. The one at the end was different, and flashed crystal adjourned into shapes of playing cards. The handle was green, clover, slippery, and locked. He groaned and slammed it in frustration. The door swung open due to not being fully closed. He let himself inside.

    There was one large machine threatening to overtake the space. A giant room-sized computer, and its accessories that adjourned the four walls. It had sea creature-like tentacle hoses thrown everywhere climbing into holes in the walls and ceiling. The main motherboard appeared off, but some lights on the large control panels flashed occasionally, and there was a faint hum of something inside the walls.

    ¡°What the farc is this thing,¡± said Edward, playing with some of the flashing buttons.

    ¡°It¡¯s the mainframe computer for teleporting out of here silly goose,¡± giggled Snaggy.

    ¡°Hmmm,¡± replied Edward, pulling back his hand.

    The large boxy monitor above the keypad lit up in a single tone of red.

    "Well fool, do you have any ideas on starting it up?" he asked.

    The jester''s face paint was permanently melted into a frown even while smiling with his newfound fangs. He somersaulted over to the largest control panel to take a bow before the large tubes housed inside. Snaggy typed away at the keys at a speed that must have been 1000 words a minute with a shit eating grin and without taking his beady eyes off Edward.

    ¡°Ding!¡±

    The room rumbled as four cylinders of crystal clear glass housing started rising from the floor. The cylinders eventually stopped moving at head height, and appeared clear of everything but air.

    ¡°Nobody leaves this place without a little soul sacrificing first hahaha,¡± laughed Snaggy, performing back-flips while he exited.

    ¡°Wait a second here I need you to start up the teleportation,¡± said Edward pursuing his guide back to the hall.

    Meanwhile back in the hall the knights had managed to get a gas stove going, and some more of their oily coffee heated. The five remaining each took turns passing, and drinking from the same cup.

    ¡°That¡¯s good stuff Bobby,¡± said Bronco

    Scrappy cradled the hot mug of steamy goodness he had just been passed. He gave the bean water a good sniff in order to savor the aroma. Bobby whacked the other knight''s shoulder.

    ¡°C¡¯mon stop hogging the coffee, and pass it along while it''s still warm. Mooseman hasn¡¯t gotten a drop yet you fool¡± he scolded.

    "Ooof" said the husky knight after taking a swig, and spilling some on his beard.

    "Give it to me it''s my turn" said a skinny little guy with armor three sizes too large.

    "Calm yourself Zito ha ha you who were our janitor not too long ago remember,¡± laughed Scrappy.

    "Remember things have changed," said Zito.

    Mooseman let out an oversized burp, and passed the cup.

    In the dark of another room was a lurking statue coming undone. The arms and legs cracked into motion composed of crystal exoskeleton, sharp thorns, many wires, and magic circuit boards popping sparks.

    ¡°That¡¯s cool, I wish I could take that back with me to my lair,¡± said Edward.If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the violation.

    ¡°You don¡¯t want to be around it when it becomes fully animated,¡± replied Snaggy.

    ¡°So anyway what must I do to leave this place.. You must know the answer don¡¯t you?¡± asked Edward, shutting the door to that unfortunate room.

    ¡°Oh that¡¯s simple. A life sacrifice of four is in order to be filled. You better work fast while you still have enough of them to fill the quota set ha ha,¡± roared the jester rolling out of this room with acrobatics, and laughter.

    ¡°Hmmmmmmmmm,¡± said Edward, clicking the lock, and holding his chin.

    His thoughts had almost finished calculating an exit strategy. He returned to the knights. They all missed the jester sneaking off again behind them back to the mainframe with glee.

    ¡°So guys, how about we all go check out that machine again together, I think I noticed something changed with it, and I believe it to be our teleportation that you all missed,¡± announced Edward.

    The knights groaned in protest.

    ¡°You''re the technology enthusiast here Bobby, please explain to our king what is in the room that makes it not worth the risk to life or limb,¡± said Scrappy.

    ¡°It¡¯s extremely old technology made in a different language than any of us can understand. A dead ancient tongue coded we are dealing with making it very risky software because we can¡¯t hope to understand what we are doing and the lifetime warranty has certainly expired,¡± said Bobby dissembling his self designed, and manufactured cook stove to store into his backpack.

    ¡°I put our odds of making it back alive at 50/50 each time we use it,¡± he finished.

    ¡°Fine I will be the first in line to try it,¡± declared Edward, waving his hand wildly. ¡°I¡¯m a beast that would rather be dead than caged, and this place sucks,¡± he stomped his foot.

    The knights remained awkwardly silent for a while.

    ¡°Alright if that''s your order sir. Then Bobby do your best to set it up for the king to teleport¡±, said Bronco.

    ¡°Gulp if that''s what he really wants I guess I have to be the one to get it going'' said Bobby, standing.

    ¡°It¡¯s EMPEROR grrr,¡± huffed the frustrated leader.

    The party was successfully lured back down the hall connecting them to the machine. They passed an empty room with the door open ajar. Bobby struggled back because his coffee mug had screwed on cross thread. Edward watched him struggle. He snagged a loose shotgun shell that had rolled out of the knight''s bag.

    The rusty armor in the room creaked while the first knight inside bent to study the suspicious device.

    "Hey Bobby, what do you think about this development?" said Scrappy.

    "The computer has changed. I''ve never seen cylinders connected to a machine before," said Bronco upon entering.

    Edward walked in next with Zito, and Mooseman trailing behind him.

    "Hey wait, wasn''t there a statue in this room that has now gone missing," said Bobby, who had noticed a disturbance in the hallway.

    He was alone out in the hall, looking into another opened door. He heard something lurking. It sounded like an exoskeleton clacking together behind him. Bobby swung around facing the animated statue of an animated mantis. The entire terror overtaken him was transparent crystal.

    "Agggg" was Bobby''s dying breath stabbed by raptorial legs.

    The crystal exoskeleton began to fill with the shroud of the knight''s dying inner being. His power being taken for a fresh energy charge.

    "What''s that outside it sounds like someone is getting stabbed," said Scrappy.

    "Well go out there and find out," said Edward.

    The remaining knights ran out to the hall. There they found a trail of blood.

    ¡°This is where the body was dragged off drats,¡± cursed Edward, shaking his stump he walked back towards the teleporter alone.

    "Bobby.. Noooo he''s gone" sobbed Scrappy, throwing up his arms in despair.

    Mooseman ran to give him a hug of support.

    "That makes only five of us left surviving," sighed Bronco.

    Alone inside the mainframe a little hand pulled on Edwards pant leg.

    "That means you can''t afford to lose another man until they are in the sacrifice zone, if you ever want to teleport out of here again," whispered Snaggy in his ear.

    "Hmmm," said Edward, looking down to see nothing where he expected to see the jester.

    The knights outside drew their weapons and backed into what they thought was an empty room. In the corner of the room the mantis was eating. The body it held no longer had a head on its shoulders.

    "Bang, Bang!"

    The knights shot at the mantis. One shot hit, and one missed. They stormed from that room. In the hallway the door with the most crystals housing the machine was calling. They ran back to safety inside the mainframe.

    "Let''s break this machinery down and use it as a barricade for the door," said Scrappy.

    Zito was still in the background double checking the thick bolt was keeping away the killer mantis at bay.The door starting to thrash widely being attacked from the other side. Edward got between Scrappy and the computer parts he wanted to dissemble.

    "Please remove yourself from hampering us man," yelled Bronco.

    "I am your boss and you will stand down at once, you fools promised me a teleport out of this place using this device not to destroy it due to panic," said Edward.

    "Well our technician has recently been killed so what buttons you suggest we hit because you''re really pressing mine," yelled Bronco.

    "Everyone go stand by those cylinders in the floor and we will brainstorm a course of action go go go," said Edward.

    "Yes sir," said two knights going to their positions.

    Two knights remained next to the king standing in the circle painted in the room''s middle. .

    "Well?" asked Edward.

    "Why don''t we debate things right here as a committee of equals?" asked Scrappy.

    "Yes we are all equally stuck down here in the mad mad core," added Bronco.

    "C''mon do what the king says and get to your places," said Zito.

    ¡°Emperor¡­Never any respect,¡± spit Edward, pissed.

    "That''s right when in doubt, obey the crown," added Mooseman.

    ¡°A sensible man¡± said Zito, checking his revolver.

    ¡°Alright fine¡± said Bronco, throwing up his arms in surrender.

    Scrappy remained standing in defiance.

    ¡°On every ship there are always some rats that try to sabotage you in rough waters,¡± said Edward.

    ¡°I thought you just pretended to be a sailor come bath time,¡± taunted Scrappy.

    Edward was stunned into silence.

    ¡°Guess you ain¡¯t worth any more than us down here buddy remember that, from now on we will work as a committee with equal voices,¡± said Bronco, reengaging into the debate.

    ¡°We have our hierarchies for a reason, and they long ago decided for us that I am the one who controls you,¡± said Edward, playing with his crown for a boost of confidence.

    ¡°What are you going to do about us not following orders then?¡± said Scrappy, raising his sword.

    It came down and sliced apart a computer hose that steamed while a nearby cabinet shot hot sparks. The machine seemed to protest in pain, as the lights to the room flashed in and out and warning tones played. Edward frowned, and then struck out at the offending knight fast. Mooseman, and Zito stuck to fumbling with their guns in the corner still figuring out what to do.

    ¡°Scrappy watch out,¡± yelled Bronco, raising his arms as he jumped between the two to stop a fight from breaking out.

    Bronco took a smack directly to the face, and tumbled towards the ground. Scrappy managed to raise his sword to block the second, and third strikes. Edward¡¯s rapidly crystallizing stump was momentarily repelled. Bronco struggled to his feet from where he had been knocked behind.

    Scrappy blocked another blow, but there was a snapping sound from his elbow. Edward reached into his coat with his hand. In the background Bronco found himself pinned by the two knights on his back. He kicked on the floor where they had tackled him.

    Edward took out the weapon he had hidden after the van driver had exploded. It was an extremely charred, and battle scarred shotgun from the second knight caught in the blast. Scrappy was distracted, and dead set on freeing his sword lodged into a scaled hide of the stump where the hook had been.

    ¡°Here goes nothing,¡± said Edward.

    ¡°Bang!¡±

    Scrappy fell backwards, with a red cloud splattering the wall behind. The knight''s body smacked the gray tiles, and made the last struggles of dying breath.

    Slow listless elevator music began to emit from the machine. The cylinder closest to his body began to take on the color green, while the floor turned red. Everyone stood still while it was filled to the brim. After the sucking process was completed the cylinder automatically sucked into the floor below the pool of blood.

 43: Talking Heads

    Whatever remaining life of the body was slowly extracted into a cylinder. The massive mainframe computer beeped, booped, and hummed processing the soul data. Its spiderweb of tubes glowing as the sacrifice was transferred.

    "Ding!" said the vacuum screen lighting up green.

    The digital number displayed blinked from 4 to 3 in between the hazy bars. A loud wiring sound started, but went ignored as a nearby printer fired out lines of 1''s and 0''s.

    There were 3 remaining cylinders to be filled in order to activate the teleport. 4 people remained locked in the mainframe. Bronco was pinned to the floor. He was hostilely revealed by kicking and flailing underneath two knights who remained loyal to their leader.

    "Let me out! Scrappy''s body should be covered with dignity. It''s the least you could respect him you heartless bastards," he screamed.

    "Calm down, and we will fix things as best as possible. We can''t have anymore death, relax," grunted Mooseman.

    "You need to stay loyal, stop fighting us," said Zito.

    Mooseman pinned Bronco''s upper back with his knee. He shifted his weight to dig into the flesh like a tick making future communication difficult. Zito sat on his feet.

    "Ooof," he grunted, being kicked away.

    In the background Edward paced the room trying to brainstorm a speech. He needed to scheme extra fast while things remained relatively in control. The creepy jester named Snaggy helping him with tech support hadn''t returned. The fool must have gotten himself killed somewhere outside the locked room they had become trapped in. Edward was all alone in figuring out the solution to the problem of sacrificing three men one by one, without them turning on him. He would get the teleport working, and himself back to the surface. A fresh idea popped into his mind. He strutted over to the three knights who continued struggling.

    "This man here disobeyed a direct order from the crown, before I had to cut him down to protect myself, and thus his corpse will receive no honor," he paused to get closer, and unsuccessfully tried to keep a grin from leaking out. "In fact I think I must burn it before it turns into a zombie," said Edward.

    "There''s nothing left to zombify now, the machine has sucked him dry already," said Mooseman.

    "That is speculation. Do you know what facts we don''t have to speculate about?" Edward asked.

    "The price of turnips after you implemented the price lock?" Speculated Zito.

    "No, what is the penalty for treason?" asked Edward, smirking.

    "Death," repeated both men together.

    "No, don''t punish me if we ever hope to return to the surface, man. There''s enough threats for four to deal with already, unless you also feel like being sacrificed so the dear leader can teleport alone to safety," pleaded Bronco.

    The two knights relaxed their choke hold on the prisoner.

    "He''s got a point we need him to survive ourselves," said Zito.

    "Huh, good point," said Mooseman.

    "And that''s why we gotta all be on the same page working together. If only you bozos could figure anything out without it being written in blood first" said Bronco.

    "The three of us have always been on the same page, You see, if you follow the leader you don''t have to think much about it. I will figure out how to get us all out of here, as long as you stay loyal" said Edward.

    "So he needs to follow all orders going forward, or else we kill him, " said Mooseman.

    "I already don''t trust him," stated Edward.

    "I''m not sure I even trust myself anymore, let''s give him another chance for our own luck," said Zito.

    " I agree," said Mooseman.

    "Hmmm,¡± thought Edward.

    The two knights helped pick the third off the floor.

    "No weapons for that knight ever again," ordered Edward.

    Bronco ran to Scrappy''s body. He spoke last word to his old friend, and showed him some respect in death by covering his eyes. He got a blanket from his backpack and covered the body. A cold wind turned the others attention from these trivial matters. All of them froze still as a statue. The opposite wall housing circuits had pulled back sometime in the commotion. Inside there was nothing, but darkness.

    "Psst," whispered a knight, far below the other''s ear.

    Bronco felt something pinch his back. He turned to see Zito gently pricking him. There was cool metal being placed into his hand. He looked down to see a small carved dagger with a blade made of cutting crystal. The entire weapon was carved with vivid pictures of goat sacrifices.

    "Remember I told yah I got first dibs on any loot, everything not nailed down, and I got three more of these puppies stashed on me eh,¡± said Zito, showing off his stash under trench coat.. ¡°Might as well share one just in case another monster attacks,¡± he whispered.

    Bronco stuck it far down his pants. Edward turned his attention back to his men.

    "Well I''m going in, so how about one of you trailing me and the other staying here to guard the weaponless," said Edward

    Edward walked forward without waiting any longer. He entered the dark opening and vanished. Zito and Mooseman did a quick game of rock paper scissors. Mooseman was the winner who followed behind his leader disappearing into the danger.

    Inside the dark Edward could hear something suffering through the winds howling at him, but it wasn''t human.

    "Who''s there?" He asked.

    "I''m behind your majesty," gasped Mooseman, struggling for breath.

    "Well make yourself useful and do a better job with your light so we can see," said Edward.You could be reading stolen content. Head to Royal Road for the genuine story.

    "Oh right, well let me go back to the mainframe. I''m claustrophobic," said Mooseman, loudly banging around trying to find the exit.

    "Send the other knight in your place with the light," Edward hissed.

    "Yes you''re high.."

    "Slam!"

    Mooseman slipped on black ice having caught a foot somewhere nearby.

    "Here I am," another voice echoed.

    Zito walked into the picture illuminating a claustrophobic ice passage. It was dug straight as far as light could penetrate and slightly heading upwards. Edward, and Mooseman would have to crouch uncomfortably to travel further.

    "Wait a second," stammered Edward, moving backwards.

    He turned around in circles as the light was dimming. It was on account of one knight helping the other up from the fall. They were still trying to figure out the light looted from Scrappy''s pack. Edward huffed back past them, momentarily blinded by the glowing lights on returning to the room-sized computer. Finally his eyes readjusted and he noticed what was missing. The next knight he intended to sacrifice, and the one he already had vanished.

    "Fools, I ordered one of you to follow and one to watch the traitor now look at two missing ones, one of which is dead and could be lurking around corners a zombie!" Screeched Edward.

    ¡°Well at least that mantis has stopped trying to break down the door,¡± blurted Zito.

    Edwards stomach loudly groaned in hunger before turning into weird gurgles. He coldly studied the two knights who he figured were quivering with fear. A gust of frigid air had blown past them the smell of moldy tomb.

    "What''s done is done here, and now our only chance is to keep moving on for a chance of survival without the chance of activating teleporter," said Zito.

    ¡°Oh I think I''m going to gag at the prospect of going back into that crawl space.. I¡¯m six foot six you know,¡± explained Mooseman, rubbing his mittens together and pacing back and forth in a vain effort to warm his body.

    Edward let out a massive sigh of annoyance.

    "Well guys what choice do any of us really have now other than giving up?" said Zito, helping himself to the backpack that had been left behind.

    ¡°Ok cheerleader ladies first,¡± said Edward, pointing to the exit.

    ¡°I¡¯m ready to get the fuck out of here, I can do it,¡± said Mooseman gassing himself up for the battle ahead.

    The party of three started forward. While Zito walked in front of them with the light Edward crouched in the middle, Mooseman crawled on his hands and knees in the rear. The cold here seriously threatened to cause a case of frostbite.

    "This is how I''m spending my last days when I had so much left to accomplish in life on the surface. SighI suppose it''s having so much fun with you folk," complained Edward.

    "Hey how do you think we feel, man we''ve probably been trapped in this farcin icy paradise for over a year or more I reckon at this point. I hate it so fucking much," groaned Mooseman.

    "Let''s keep our final moments to ourselves gentlemen and please relax the nerves," instructed Zito.

    ¡°Your hardcore man, alright sorry for my freak out let''s keep fighting forward,¡± blurted Mooseman.

    ¡°Everyone shut the fuck up already,¡± yelled Edward, spewing spit that froze quick.

    The party silently advanced into unknown territory. The rear guard forced himself to go forward down the path ahead laboriously following the other two. The only noise was the creak of the light¡¯s handle as it swung pushing away the darkness.

    What felt like several laborious hours later the situation remained unchanged. Only Emperor Edward the cannibal and two of his knights remained alive. The party crawled along a slim tunnel burrowed single file deep beneath a haunted temple . The chances of a teleportation escape had shrunk much like the surroundings.

    ¡°Man I really hope this goes somewhere good because it¡¯s impossible to turn around and I''m getting more claustrophobic by the second,¡± complained Mooseman from the rear.

    ¡°Let''s only think about the instant future where we only go forward!¡± yelled Edward.

    ¡°Yes Sir,¡± said both knights together.

    Their only light was carried by the smallest knight taking the front. However Zito''s small frame still blocked much of it. Edward blocked more, and by the time it reached the rear not much was leftover for the most frightened.

    The circular ice walls surrounding them appeared to be drilled with a massive sharp crystal drill bit bore into the core of the planet. A distant breeze tickled while the ice leaked the heat from their bones back into the walls. The cold air let them know something was waiting at the end of this tunnel, but it also threatened to freeze them in place with frostbite if not for their premium knightly clothing.

    ¡°The core plays games on the mind, and yet we willingly descend further into it,¡± stated Zito.

    ¡°Yeah well we have no other path to go, although I really think I failed to capitalize on the few slim opportunities to escape, I let slip through my grasp, and perhaps that will be my demise," mused Edward.

    ¡°I can only comment on the instant future, there''s no love in the core,¡± said Mooseman, shivering as eerie stingers and drips of water intermixed with the voices forcing their way into his head. ¡°Hey Zito, your light has dimmed significantly, is it almost out of juice?¡± he forced out, sounding like he was having a panic attack.

    ¡°Are you alright man and yeah the light is getting dimmer every minute, but I suppose we have no other option but to go until the light falls or we do,¡± said Vito.

    ¡°Lets slightly increase our pace,¡± ordered Edward.

    The party crawled forward on the only path remaining to them. The cold walls surrounding them had long ago begun seeping into their bones. The air was becoming oppressive stale.

    ¡°Whoosh!¡±

    A frigid blast hit them spurring backwards movement. Zito was picked up by the gust and blown into Edward who lost his crown. Mooseman stopped them with his big gut, but not before hitting his head bouncing off the low ceiling.

    "Ouch"

    ¡°Well we must be close to something now, go on!¡± yelled Edward, pushing Zito off him with all his might.

    The smallest member of the party went flying forward. The ground started sloping downwards, and being made of ice crystal it was extremely slippery. Zito hit the ice stomach first, and arms outstretched with the light. He began to slide quickly picking up speed. The two remaining were stuck watching their light slide off with increasing speed down the tunnel.

    ¡°Well I suppose sliding on ice beats walking on it,¡± said Edward.

    ¡°Hmm, it depends on what is going to be stopping your motion. In my case I happen to have a crystalized stump that will break whatever blocks my way¡± said Edward, desperately hunting in the pitch dark.

    ¡°Sigh well I hope Vito is alright seeing how he had a light instead of a stump like you or stomach like me,¡± sighed Mooseman.

    "After I find my crown that has fallen, mind helping me down?" said Edward.

    ¡°Very well let me just find you first.Hey how about I stay up here and set up a rope anchored to something too bad zito had a lot of stuff i could use right now including the light," said Mooseman, searching for his backpack. ¡°Zito, are you alright?,¡± he yelled into the dark.

    Suddenly he slipped on a patch of invisible ice, and he fell forward with his arms outstretched that grabbed Edward.

    ¡°AaaaRRRG¡± spit Edward, flying forward with the air knocked out of him.

    They fell down the slippery slide, rapidly picking up speed. Edward was squished underneath the big boned Mooseman who closed his eyes in the dark, and imagined a field of golden flowers overgrown and in bloom. The air whistled past while his unfortunate King became a speeding sled for this Knight.

    ¡°Blind and being crushed under pressure of a clumsy fat oaf ¡± hissed Edward.

    ¡°Try to slow us down King,¡± said Mooseman.

    ¡°What do you think? I haven''t been trying to slow us down,¡± screeched Edward.

    ¡°Grind your face into it if you have to,¡± said Mooseman.

    ¡°Gonna take my stump out from anchoring us and dig it into your face,¡± replied Edward.

    The ice shards were ripped into Edward''s outstretched stump sending small pieces stuck into his eyes blinding him like a bat.

    ¡°AAAARG,¡± he cried, being launched into the air from the ice ramp with a knight still riding him.

    ¡°Don¡¯t open your eyes,¡± Mooseman told himself.

    ¡°WAKE UP AND GET OFF ME!¡± yelled Edward.

    The two hit the apex of their launch. They fell towards the ground. A knight already below them panicked to get out of the impact zone.

    ¡°Smash, Bang, Crash!¡±

 44: Cold as Ice

    Three bodies had collided together midair before collapsing in a heap on the floor. They struggled separate in a medium white room. The walls stained ugly and covered in rusted chains hanging off the rafters. The frozen pipes lead to a shuttered compressor dripping antifreeze.

    Edward kicked Mooseman off his back while underneath him Zito was crushed like a pancake. He stood up with a pounding migraine and dusted himself off. He surveyed the hook that dangled overhead taunting him. He looked at where his arm had been severed long ago. The scales that hardened his stump had now spread past his elbow. How was he going to climb high enough to retrieve the makeshift murder attachment?

    ¡°Zito you are still here with us man,¡± called Mooseman, checking the other knight for signs of life.

    ¡°Get your stinking fingers out of my face you klutz,¡± screamed Zito, coming alive.

    Mooseman jumped back with a face white as a ghost.

    ¡°Ahh my fucking head,¡± said Zito, cradling his head. ¡°You boys knocked me out cold, all I remember is falling down the chute face first,¡± he sighed.

    ¡°You took some damage there, and have a black eye,¡± replied Mooseman, who turned away to study the room.

    There was a lock and chains ran along a factory door trapping them inside the freezer. A similarly rusted meat hook hung from the ceiling lit by an overhead light blinking in and out. There were blocks covered by blankets that had been packed across the floor on pallets. The air was extremely frigid. The husky knight walked to one of the covered squares, and took hold of the blue tarp. It ripped off easily falling to the wayside.

    ¡°Hope you guys weren¡¯t hoping to uncover some food in this freezer,¡± said Mooseman, exposing perfectly cut square blocks of pure crystal ice.

    Their exposure immediately chilled the air even more.

    ¡°Cover that shit back up before we freeze to death,¡± scolded Edward.

    Zito had the transparency of a ghost falling face first and knocked himself out on the floor.

    ¡°Zito you alright?¡± called Mooseman, recovering the ice.

    He walked over reaching for his buddy.

    ¡°Jackpot,¡± said Edward, uncovering another blanket.

    Underneath revealed a large industrial saw greeting him sitting on a sawhorse of metal supports.

    ¡°Hmmm," he said, inspecting the chop saw.

    It looked as if this device had handled a lot of meat over its lifetime. He ripped away his good hand and put it back in his mitten. The environment here was far too cold for normal flesh to handle.

    "That looks tasty," said Edward, sticking his stump towards the red covered blade.

    In all his hunger he had been hypnotized to get a taste. Just a little sample trapped between the sharp edged object. The cord was unplugged leaving this lord with a blessing of blood to lick. The stump had almost hit the saw for a free sample. Edward stuck out his tongue and drooled. Suddenly the machine automatically whirled alive with a mind of its own. It sparked, and nicked the edge of Edward¡¯s limb drawing blood.

    ¡°AAAA,¡± he cried hastily, retracting his arm. "It has a mind of its own,".

    Edward fell backwards into a mess on the floor. The saw still loudly buzzed nearby. His stump throbbed with incapacitating pain. He licked at the blood oxidized before it crystallized between his scales.

    ¡°Fuck stop messing around guys before we get killed. Clearly we are trapped in a strange meat locker,¡± yelled Zito, finally standing.

    ¡°This shits haunted,fuck,¡± cursed Mooseman.

    ¡°Get me a farcing bandage, you damn useless knights, yes that sheet of em on the floor can you spot im wounded,¡± commanded Edward.

    ¡°You caused that with your own actions you tweaker we are screwed for good gah,¡± groaned Zito, heading for the far side of the cooler.

    Mooseman ran to render aid with his feet almost slipping on the way. He slowed his pace.

    ¡°My apologies King but I must take my time to avoid falling,¡± said Mooseman.

    ¡°You are the clumsiest knight to ever fight for the empire,¡± said Edward.

    ¡°You got that right man, erm emperor I remember what you''re supposed to be called now, shut up and hold still," said Mooseman.

    "How in the Farc do I turn this thing off,¡± screamed Zito near the saw still screamed.

    ¡°Check for a lever or switch,¡± cried Mooseman, patching with the blanket taking over one hand he bent to render aid.

    ¡°Let me do it myself before you fuck something else up,¡± screamed Edward in his face.

    Mooseman yielded over the bandage. Zito studied the spinning chop saw from a safe distance as he danced around it. The closest distance he dared until he spotted the stop switch. Edward wrapped up his wound, but struggled to tie the knot with only one hand.

    ¡°Knight you''re mighty fine at tying yourself and others into knots. So how about finishing this bandage on my stump,¡± Edward cried in frustration.

    The bandage was tied tight with a square knot.

    ¡°Alright,¡± he said standing.This tale has been unlawfully obtained from Royal Road. If you discover it on Amazon, kindly report it.

    He pushed Zito away while he approached the roaring saw.

    ¡°Hmmm time for round two,¡± he said, studying it.

    ¡°Careful don¡¯t cut yourself on that edge again King,¡± yelled Zito.

    ¡°Don¡¯t tell your emperor what to do?¡± seethed Edward.

    The saw continued to cut as Edward cautiously approached. He studied the device some more. A crystal cutting saw blade had revealed itself after the blood underneath had been flung away onto the surroundings while it spun. There he found the kill switch underneath and flicked it off.

    ¡°Alright boys I¡¯ve got an idea. Let''s push this over to the chained door, and cut ourselves out,¡± ordered Edward.

    ¡°Yes Sir,¡± said the knights.

    Zito joined the others who had already started pushing the industrial chop saw, which was large enough to be pushed by a dozen. It must have been very heavy, however the floor was icy enough to help slide it along the distance.

    ¡°Careful you don¡¯t roll this thing over your feet it would be just as bad as the blade to the toe I would reckon ha ha,¡± laughed Mooseman.

    ¡°Be a silent knight grr or you mess something else up and we won''t get out of this room as soon as possible,¡± moped Edward.

    They slowly worked the machinery across the floor taking care to keep feet and hands at a safe distance from respective hazards. As It grew closer, and closer it was getting harder to picture the blade reaching the chains. They had reached it now. Zito stepped back. He wasn''t seeing it, his thing was too heavy an object to angle.

    ¡°I used to be a butcher of wild game, you know hence the name,¡± said Mooseman.

    ¡°Yeah what does that matter?¡± said Edward.

    ¡°Anyway I never used a cutter quite that nice but I¡¯ve used a lesser model. Point is I think I can angle it to cut that chain,¡± said Mooseman, approaching.

    ¡°Fine as kind, take a stab at it man,¡± said Edward.

    He was inspecting the saw closer and closer. He moved his hand closer to the blade. Zito gulped and had to look away.

    ¡°Click!¡±

    Mooseman had hit something to unlock the arm attached to the chop saw''s blade. Now it could be swung at an angle. Zito held onto the handle above to control it, avoiding the trigger for now.

    ¡°Very nicely done. There¡¯s our key out of this locked room¡± said Edward.

    ¡°Ok I need both of you to help me hold onto this saw while we cut into thick chains blocking the door,¡± said Mooseman.

    ¡°Alright I''ll turn it on again,¡± said Edward approaching.

    In the background Zito carefully scoped things out from a safe distance. He was trying to stay in focus, but he had been awake for too long. He rubbed his sleepy eyes before being hooked by a hand. He had been grabbed by Edward''s only hand and thrown towards the saw.

    ¡°Help us moron,¡±.

    Edward slowly walked forward. He grabbed the knight he had just thrown, and placed his arm on the handle. Someone flicked the switch, and the chop saw came to life. Zito kept his eyes closed as he held onto the handle with the others relying on them to guide it towards cutting the chain. He braced for the inevitable kickback of impact.

    ¡°Zrrrrrrchewww¡±

    The chop jerked, spraying sparks while it screeched as it began to cut into metal. Zito was thinking some relief with the gut feeling it would be done soon just had to power throw it. His eyes were shocked back open by hot burning sensations along his arms. The saw was cutting out hot chunks of metal and spitting it back in their faces. He couldn¡¯t hold on much longer.

    ¡°Don¡¯t stop supporting no matter how bad it burns,¡± commanded Edward.

    ¡°Yes sir,¡± said the knights together.

    The saw was cutting maybe half way done. Zito gritted his teeth. This was taking much longer than anticipated. His winter coat was full of holes that burned the smell of plastic at his nostrils, and his arms were on fire. Just got to ignore the pain and keep going. This is the ultimate test of endurance. A new pain was joining the others. The constant rumbling of the cutting had his wrists arthritis inflamed. A spark flew directly at his eye, and he slammed both of them back shut to avoid being permanently blinded. He would finish this job by tuning out the outside, and keeping to himself.

    ¡°Careful stay balanced¡± yelled Mooseman.

    Edward forced all his weight into it. He was getting impatient to find out what awaited them behind this door.

    ¡°Don¡¯t tell me what to do,¡± he scolded.

    ¡°Clunk¡±

    The chain had finally been cut. It hit the floor broken in pieces.

    ¡°Screee,¡±

    The saw hadn¡¯t stopped and was working its way to cutting deep into the door.

    ¡°Shut this death contraption off aah,¡± cried Zito, opening one eye,taking both hands off the handle and running as far as he could away.

    The saw came to a stop. Edward, and Mooseman struggled to untangle it from the door. Edward climbed onto the arm above the blade, and started jumping.

    ¡°Come on let me in, why does everything in this place have to be a game of resistance training?¡± he cried.

    ¡°Snap!¡± said the chop saw in response, breaking along a weak weld.

    The arm broke from the table, the saw was still dug in, the door. Edward was on the floor, and the table was gliding away slowly pushed in the other direction. The door creaked open revealing darkness behind it.

    ¡°Are you alright?¡± said Mooseman, picking up Edward.

    ¡°Let''s get out of here," cried Zito, shining the dim light that was cracked.

    He charged past them in a panic out of the freezer and as far away from there as possible.

    ¡°Hmmm I wish I could attach that to myself as an accessory,¡± said Edward, studying the broken chop saw wedged into the door.

    "King, I can''t believe my eyes but your mother is in the next room," screamed Zito.

    Edward ran into the next room. It was a generic factory setting with big cardboard boxes sitting on stopped conveyor belts. He looked around, and then above. The rafters had lots of catwalks, cobwebs, and dirty lights that barely illuminated below. On the far side of the factory floor was a void of nothing. Around it was the rock wall of a cave, a hole most likely dropped forever. He kept running towards the end.

    Across the void walking over it on a thin bridge of ice was the shadows of two people. Edward sprinted past nondescript packages twice his size. He got closer, and closer to the void. He saw his mother being escorted by a mule across an ice bridge. The pair was more than half crossed now. Edward got as close to the edge as possible and waved his arms to get her attention.

    "Mother," he cried, waving his arms wildly to get her attention.

    The Queen wasn''t looking anywhere and her eyes were glazed over in a trance. Her and the donkey just kept on moving forward. Edward continued screaming in vain into the void, but it was as if he was watching a movie that couldn¡¯t be interacted with.

    There was a charge of energy as two portals cracked open at the end of the bridge. Elizabeth had gotten close to the end. The beast had bitten her back, while a tentacle covered in crystal scales slowly emerged from one portal. It slowly began to wrap around the Queen.

    "Nooooo" screamed Edward as loud as he could.

    His mother was carried away into the portal that snapped shut behind it. The donkey looked down and smiled.

    "Shoot that beast," he commanded his two men.

    "Click!"

    The shotgun didn¡¯t fire. The beast was midway through vanishing into the other portal. Edward sprinted to the edge of the void, but the jump was too far and there was nothing on the other side. Mooseman aimed anyway, and worked overtime to pop out the slug that had jammed. Edward stared off into space with eyes of madness and he grabbed the gun and shot at the last moment.

    ¡°Bang!¡±

    The bullet whizzed into the portal just as it snapped shut.

    ¡°That was a mimic playing tricks on us and I better have killed it,¡± coped Edward, still seething.

 45: The Cult

    A large log mansion sat on a cliff overlooking a sizable den of pirates. The sea lovers harboring in the cove below had an interesting business relationship going with the harbormaster. The lawless had grouped together to fend off threats to the sick society they had formed underground.

    Once upon a time he had started humble known by a few as Prospector Hood. While his outlaw brother was out making himself a thing of legend. That eventually led to being executed by the crown. Things were about to change for good. Killin Hood''s mind had a lot of grand plans crystalizing. He polished off his dinner into the running sink, scrubbed the plate with soap, and dumped guts out of the strainer. He strolled to wipe his hands dry before opening his icebox to retrieve a portable cooler. He whistled on the elevator heading to one of the many basements eventually leading to his mining operation 100 miles below. There large caves, and larger tunnels burrowed deep into the mountainside underneath the log mansion.

    At the heart of his success pulsed a massive ore of 12 large crystal arteries all fused together. In addition, occasional visits by Elven contractors contributed their prisoners of war and mining technologies and heavy machinery in exchange for %50 of the crystal. There was a workforce of many diverse factions captured in roadside raids, piracy kidnapping, and looting rural homes.The unfortunate captured sailors and forest folks found themselves slowly becoming what they mined forever trapped away from the suns.

    The elevator slammed to a stop. The crystal heart far below cast rays of sharp light through holes in the floor to light the cavern. This was his man cave where there was a massive row of archery, and hunting trophies. There were even a million first place medals attached to the feet of little critters stuffed on display and furs stacked floor to ceiling. On the opposite wall, and over the midnight tablecloth a flickering crystal ball sat casting shadows. It connected to every game camera on his massive property. One massive grizzly stood out stuffed. Killin Hood sidestepped the outstretched claws dangling from the motionless beast.

    "You''re mamma done good work hunting tonight son Ah ha,¡± he cackled to his trophy.

    The other grizzly was the zombie mamma bear trapped after killing the Queen on its hunt. It had been installed with a convenient zipper along its stomach. This came in handy every time the bear swallowed treasures. In this case the contents had been packed into the cooler with ice crystals.

    He sunk into the last buffalo he had turned into a recliner. It was well broken at this point. Life was grand.

    "What''s up Witch?" he said.

    The Witch was so old she was only known as Witch by most. She had been the one to visit King Mardin as an adviser. She had also been a life coach, fortune teller, and administrator of bogus tests to Edward and his siblings.

    "Hurry with the brains before they melt," she croaked out.

    "I see Isabela, that means my future wife, has been delivered here alright," said Killin Hood, giddy slamming the reclining mechanism into the metal skeleton.

    "Yes hehehe, the delivery men did good work so I didn''t break my back," she cackled.

    They exit the room to the witches quarters down the hall. There they stood silently dissecting the Queen''s lifeless body with their eyes. The witch slapped on two medical gloves while Killin Hood stroked the victims hair. .

    "We must get on with the procedure now before the core steals too much of her essence forever," he said, before Kissing the cold forehead.

    ¡°Yes I have the last piece stored here after we collected that bounty on the corpse from a fool of a wizard and borrowed all his belongings hehe,¡± said Isebela, as he turned a key in a nearby lock box.

    The door popped open, and inside was a mask with a massive circuit slapped onto the outside. She took out a bag of twelve small different crystal chunks, and loaded them into the device so they would stab into a skull. It sparked shocks before he switched it off, retracting the crystal control.

    ¡°Ooops I shouldn¡¯t have left that turned on.. Ah ha that could have ended badly for me,¡± she buzzed.

    ¡°Yes yes anyway hurry and put the facemask mask on my Queen,¡± he ordered.

    Isebela drew open the strings of Queen''s new hood.

    "With the dead Queen raised the crystal cult will grow even faster in our expansion," she cackled.

    "Yes until our marriage papers are finalized in their capital," He finished.

    Meanwhile Jed and Mule had been descending the mountain''s peak for over an hour.

    ¡°Going by the map we only got a week or so of travel before returning to civilization, and earning ourselves a hefty reward for this cargo of jungle juice,¡± said Mule.

    ¡°Yes but we can''t underestimate any more threats from here to there on our quest,but I really hope there won¡¯t be any more bullshit to deal with,¡± said Jed.

    He removed his air mask and tested out the air. Having sniffed, and affirmed it was good he placed his dark shades back on. Mule eyed him over through the rear-view, Jed was looking rough. His hair was thinning, and his face slender, and malnourished. He clamped his trucker hat back on, and gave Mule a yellow, and black toothed grin.Unauthorized usage: this narrative is on Amazon without the author''s consent. Report any sightings.

    ¡°Buddy this plan is all we got, all or nothing really huh,¡± said Jed.

    ¡°What do you mean?¡± asked Mule.

    ¡°I mean that if this doesn¡¯t work out, or if we don¡¯t get paid what was promised that our lives are not going to be very pleasant going forward,¡± he sighed.

    ¡°We will figure something out Jed, some other work or something. The only option we have to win is to keep fighting forward in life,¡± said Mule.

    ¡°Yeah the problem is buddy I¡¯ve certainly got a warrant for what I did trying to help Fred,¡±

    Jed adjusted his seat. His body was beginning to fall asleep.

    ¡°My wounds have healed enough for me to drive when we see a place to pull over, you know it Jed¡± said Mule.

    The seat clicked into a new position. It had ended in a spot very close to the dashboard.

    ¡°Yeah I''m sure there will be a spot just around the next bend,¡± said Jed.

    They had slowed to a crawl, but could not stop moving due to ice underneath.

    ¡°I can¡¯t stop us Mule,!¡± yelled Jed.

    ¡°That¡¯s alright Jed just guide her down the mountain it will all be alright,¡± said Mule calmly.

    This was ice road trucking where it had begun to slide sideways. Jed quickly corrected the course. Then the cab began to shake on account of rough terrain. A steep bend was ahead with a long drive off to the dealership of death.

    "You''re on the break too much, let off or we will spin over the cliff," warned Mule.

    "I''m not sure whether I''d wish you were driving this machine right now expert or not. you''re a better driver but there''s something less scary about having your demise semi within your control," said Jed.

    "And do you imagine I feel any different about the situation?" said Mule.

    The pair held on tight for dear life. Jed concentrated, and Mule used his hoof to steady the wheel. They slowly went around the corner. The cab briefly hung out over the edge.

    ¡°We cleared it,¡± said Jed, leaning, adjusting his seat closer to the wheel to feel more in control.

    He gave a thumbs up with one arm while now gently adjusting the wheel with the other. Mule looked behind them in horror at the trailer in grave danger of being sucked over the side. He made the on the fly decision to lightly smack Jed¡¯s hands to correct the course.

    ¡°Ow,¡± said Jed.

    ¡°Focus on the road,¡± scolded Mule.

    The truck evened out on a steady course. The ground was rock, with patches of snow, and snowberry bushes splashed around. A small tree here or there, or a still statue of stone standing there. The suns had set in the sky. It was dark but the road had gotten significantly smoother.

    The next morning the truck sat parked overlooking a vast forest of mushrooms. The foliage swayed around spreading spores that smacked against the windshield collecting like dust.

    ¡°Those are big shrooms,¡± observed Jed in the passenger seat.

    ¡°You can say that bud,¡± said Mule, wearing his own ¡°Super Duper Legendary¡± branded trucker hat, and crystal suns glasses.

    They were well cleared of driving down the last rocky of the mountain''s rocky roads. Jed was playing with his banjo, plucking them along.

    ¡°We got a long time to go till our destination, but that ain¡¯t true, time goes pretty quick as long as you stay alive along the distance,¡± sang Jed out of tune.

    ¡°That¡¯s great man, how about we hit the road again?¡± said Mule.

    ¡°Tomorrow¡¯s the time for this.ok, let''s check the map one more time before we let off,¡± said Jed.

    The big rig barreled down the forest dirt road throwing the pair in the air. They both wore seat belts. The truck smacked back down. Mule focused intensely on correcting the wheel. Jed felt his gut get squeezed smacking back into the seat with a thud.

    Behind them in the snowy hills Killin Hood¡¯s men kept their distance in luxury crystallac cars. The henchmen wore matching balaclavas, and snow suits suited for winter woodland. The cars were also painted in camouflage winter colors. The men inside smoked cigars, and sniffed away their payment for previous missions. The driver shifted into second and pulled out behind them a rock formation with a second car following.

    ¡°Jed we got company.. Can you grab my double barrel shotgun from the glove compartment,¡± said Mule.

    ¡°Sounds like a plan,¡± said Jed.

    Jed grabbed the shotgun, and put on his armored helmet that doubled as eye protector. The first crystallac car was overtaking them. One of the men aimed his gun, while another one jumped. He latched onto the jungle juice container. A third car in woodland camouflage had joined the battle. Jed blasted the grill from a medium distance, but the car kept on running.

    Mule concentrated, he whipped the trailer around the sharp bend of the mountain path. The big rig pushed the pursuing car over the edge of the cliff. It exploded into flames below. The second snowed car had pulled directly behind the truck. The goons inside the car jumped onto the ladder climbing the jungle juice container. The car fell behind them a distance, its crew having jumped aboard.

    Jed opened the passenger door. He climbed up the ladder on the side of the cab. He saw the first henchmen who had jumped barely holding on by a thread. The truck banged, making his gun hard to handle. Jed started shooting at the attached thorn in the side who rolled away. The bullets then traversed spraying wildly. One cracked a windshield killing a passenger.

    ¡°Jed there¡¯s a ledge coming up close that''s threatening to sweep you off! It¡¯s time to change course,¡± instructed Mule.

    Jed reloaded one of two shot gun shells the gun held. He looked over to see a narrow fit up ahead, and in the rear view enemies on top of the truck. He climbed into a sneaky angle and used a metal bar to steady the weapon.

    ¡°Bang,Bang!¡±

    He blasted the two men on the roof. They fell off. One smacked a car knocking out the driver who plowed into the ledge exploding into a fireball.

    The truck steamed into the mushroom forest. The remaining speeding car with cracked windshield and leaking fluids still somehow managed to gain the distance. Jed sprayed more shots at them, missing many times. They began shooting from the backseat shooting holes in the container next to him. Jed dove into cover between the truck and trailer as bullet holes leaked juice on him. He was reloading when the last man to climb the ladder on back jumped above. The henchman in a military snow uniform used close quarters combat shakedown smacking fist. Jed fell backwards tumbling down the truck barrelling down a hill. He grabbed onto one of the arrows lodged into the cab''s underside. The road threatened to give him a shave.

    The big rig banged, throwing the pair in the air. The truck smacked back down. Mule focused intensely on correcting the wheel. Jed felt his neck get squeezed hard by the tightened snake-like belt.

    ¡°Bang!¡±

    The man tumbled, crunching under many tires on the way out.

    ¡°Thanks bud,¡± sighed Jed, soaked in sweat.

    The last pursuing car slowed down, falling away from them. Its gray woodland camouflage painting enabled it to fade away. The towering mushrooms overhead blocked away all the moonlight. All that was shown now was the big rig''s headlights.

 46: Infected Mushrooms

    The big rig hauling Jed, Mule, and a whole lotta jungle juice continued advancing. By this point they were deep into the mushroom forest. The red caps mixed with toadstools towered over blocking out most of the suns. The road was tricky to navigate on account of the thick white mycelium growing across everything like a soft blanket. This moist mush sucked in the moving tires threatening to eat them.

    Mule was back in the driver''s seat as the road gradually became cleaner. It was smooth sailing with the compost giving way to nothing but some kind of wispy dark mold barely covering the road. However the fog rolling in had the visibility reduced to seeing nothing.

    ¡°Let''s put back on our respirators here Mule who knows what kind of toxins are in this air,¡± said Jed.

    ¡°You got that right, better safe than sorry my man,¡± said Mule, putting on his own specially fit gas mask for donkeys.

    Outside the view was nothing but the dirty rotten mold spores floating into the windshield before the wipers cleared room for more. All from a giant mushroom dying prematurely deflated, blackened, and its stem snapped. A giant gray sack growing a massive payload of spores had revealed itself blocking the path ahead.

    ¡°Once upon a time it grew from the ground but now it has died a stink bomb waiting to be set off if we are unfortunate to trigger,¡± said Mule.

    ¡°Well what do we do now?¡± asked Jed.

    ¡°Hey, let''s put on our hazmat suits, and venture out there for a little stroll. We will scout a path around, or blow our way through with a fiery explosion as a last resort,¡± said Mule, climbing to the back of the cab.

    ¡°Well I suppose I have my crystal cutter here should we need it again too,¡± said Jed.

    ¡°For now just worry about keeping a hand on your gun. I think we want to set things off from a far distance,¡± said Mule, suiting up.

    ¡°Gulp, gee I could really use a day or two vacation from danger,¡± said Jed, working his boots into the first leg of his suit.

    ¡°We signed up for a dangerous job and will be paid handsomely no more complaining fool,¡± cried Mule.

    Both doors of the big rig cab opened letting both adventures drop boots on the ground. They were fully suited for the spooky environment. Jed high fived Mule¡¯s protected hoof with his thick padded scientific gloves.

    ¡°Nice outfits you picked out for us,¡± said Jed.

    ¡°It¡¯s almost like I can fetch things out of thin air or from other dimensions that might come in handy,¡± said Mule, wearing a hazmat suit specifically tailored for donkeys.

    ¡°Speaking of that, how''s the special X-ray vision doing a recovering bud?¡± asked Jed.

    ¡°That part of my identity I have lost forever like most soldiers lose their hearing after many battles. I would say it was taken away sometime during my stay after the Queen sucked me into the core of the planet,¡± said Mule.

    ¡°Yeah I guess that makes sense,¡± said Jed, scratching at the strap around his earlobes that was outside the constant ringing. ¡°I wasn''t a fan of the core during my limited time spent in that crazy dungeon, and I had your fool of a previous master as a tour guide of sorts that was supposed to be helping,¡± said Jed.

    ¡°I forgot to tell you, I stumbled across that very friend who had become lost down there. He had already died,¡± said Mule.

    Jed looked around trying to make heads or tales of a path forwards. He already had to dust himself off from the cling spores that attached themselves all over. He whipped his clear respirator mask with a cloth, and it was almost immediately fogged again.

    ¡°I¡¯m sorry about your previous master. I lost mine somewhere in the jungle too. Well he is probably in jail and set to be hanged, but there''s always a chance I like to think he is adventuring on his own quest.. Sigh well with that sentimentality shared lets get on with things,¡± said Jed.

    ¡°Going forwards in life I suppose that makes us more equals,¡± said Mule.

    ¡°Yeah, our lives ain¡¯t worth all too much yet either. So maybe after we get this cargo delivered, and become rich we won¡¯t be equalized together anymore in survival mode,¡±.

    ¡°That makes sense, hold up,¡± said Mule, grabbing him with his mouth.

    The pair had arrived at the rear of the vehicle''s liquid container they were hauling.

    ¡°You know that no matter how hard I try to tell myself otherwise I just want to get paid and relax. Adventuring is a hard farcing work,¡± said Jed, taking a torch from the steads pack in one hand, and finding flint placed in the other.

    "Well that''s human nature for you. In comparison I''m far too stubborn, and apathetic to do much betraying, and live far too long to want to waste my life laying around all day. So similarly we are both balls of contradictions," said Mule.

    The little sparks didn¡¯t last long in the thick air that dumped them. The torch started really smoking, but no flames had come out yet. Jed climbed the ladder on the back of the truck to the hose attachment. He sprayed a few squirts of jungle juice on what he could see of the torch¡¯s end.Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on Royal Road.

    ¡°Yeah, Yeah that''ll do it ¡± said Mule, standing behind his shoulder.

    Jed grinned as he flicked the flint quicker than he ever had. The added punch of the juice was just the right ingredient to produce flames in the current atmosphere. His torch was really burning intensely now.

    ¡°Burn away the shadows slayed by tachyons and fry away dark magic with the heat,¡± mumbled Mule.

    ¡°Shh.. Did you see that movement over there?¡± whispered Jed.

    There was not a single tree standing anywhere in the vicinity. It was a forest of nothing but shriveled away shrooms, and their artifacts filling the air. There was a big boulder that stood out as the only other stationary object illuminated by the torch. Mule was pointing one of his hoofs at the boulder.

    ¡°The shadow went behind there Jed,¡± he whispered.

    ¡°Here buddy take the torch on your saddle,¡± said Jed, approaching.

    The torch was successfully harnessed safely on the animals back. It casts light just as well as before. Jed had his weapon and it was pointed at the big rock. He was waiting for trouble.

    The objects surrounding them stayed dead still, and so did the sound. Everything was muted by the spores boxing them in. Mule turned to the truck behind them noticing the dimming lights. The vehicle had already become coated with a thick hairy coating of fungus debris trying to tie them down.

    ¡°I think this is a time limited affair here for I now realize there is far more going on underground than up here where we are,¡± said Mule.

    ¡°Isn¡¯t it always?" said Jed.

    Just out of vision behind the large boulder a creature was getting ready to leap.

    ¡°Riiibit¡± it said, pouncing out on two super strong hind legs.

    The creature had some frog features, but was otherwise mutated beyond belief. The eyes had expired, and the front was two tentacle crystal grabbers. The predator''s mouth opened revealing a void lined with increasingly smaller, but just as sharp rows of teeth. It had some kind of scaled nostrils above the mouth. The creature loudly sniffed hunting for a scent to prey.

    Jed and Mule had remained out in the open without moving a muscle. The torch was burning away making extra smoke by burning away clouds of the falling fungus. Jed nervously eyed the flickering flames threatening to kill them. The creature rotated its sniffers looking for clues of where to find food. Otherwise it had not moved.

    ¡°Sniff, Sniff¡± a burning sensation started..

    It hopped out from the bushes directly in front of Jed, Mule, and their truck. It extended a tongue towards them. Jed blasted.

    ¡°Bang, bang, bang, bang!¡± he shot his rifle, blowing holes into the attacking tongue.

    The creature shrieked in pain, and jumped again. This time it was directly at them. Jed, and Mule dove for cover. The thing thudded onto where they had just been.

    ¡°Bang, bang, bang, bang!¡± said Jed¡¯s gun hitting the creature.

    The bullets lodged into the fungous flesh where they stayed resting. Out of the bullet holes a very lethal looking green gas cloud was leaking out. The cloud engulfed the creature before it inhaled into the void in its center. It blew back a smoke trick: A crossbones danger symbol formed in the green poison smoke cloud.

    Mule had his signature sawn off sewn to his harness. He charged the creature. The mutation was waddling away.

    ¡°Bang!¡± he double tapped at close range.

    Mule was blown back by the kickback of the gun that seemingly did nothing.

    ¡°Hu ho hu,¡± the creature seemed to laugh at its antics, and was unharmed from the bullets.

    Jed had started shooting again not noticing Mule on account of being hyper focused in combat.

    ¡°Dont shoot im going in for the finishing blow get the hose and spray when I say,¡± screamed Mule.

    It was at this same time Mule was lining up an angle to reverse throw. He bucked until the torch was undone, and then kicked it mid air as it fell to the ground. The flames on a stick tumbled and went sailing directly into the mouth hole. The creature hissed, as smoke was beginning to pour from the bullet holes.

    ¡°Right get out the way,¡± said Jed, holding the hose off the truck like an anti firefighter.

    The jungle juice was a direct hit spraying creature. Jed shut off the hose as the ground in front of him was burning.

    ¡°BOOM!¡±

    The enemy exploded. Mule launched all four hooves in the air. Jed took a big chunk of rotten shroom covered in slime to his torso that knocked him over like a candle pin. Mule landed on the big rig¡¯s roof denting it on impact. While Jed was knocked over, and trapped under rubble. All around the pair chunks of rotted mutated flesh, shroom, and spores rained thick. The mutated creature had been pushed down the road into the rotten growth blocking the path.

    ¡°crunk!¡±

    A massive chunk of shroom landed directly in front of the truck. It tore the entire bumper off with the force of impact. Meanwhile Jed had got himself free from under the ruble. He made a mad dash to the truck dodging threats from above. Another chunk of something smashed into the boulder, and splashed mutated blood over the trailer. He climbed inside the cab to relative safety, and slammed the door shut behind. Mule was already behind the driver''s seat.

    ¡°Wew, we survived another encounter, guess that''s all you can ask for,¡± said Jed.

    Mule had his hoof on the pedal. The big rig gunned down the path that had been cleared with the explosion. The cargo bumped, and jerked threatening to tear them off course.

    ¡°Thud!¡±

    The tires, and suspension groaned over the added weight applied. Mule concentrated on driving, while Jed frantically checked the mirrors, and rear-view for additional danger.

    ¡°Whatever hit us it¡¯s too dark to see it,¡± said Jed, checking the ammo remaining in his rifle.

    ¡°Never mind, probably just a trophy mounted on the hood for us later after we get out of this place,¡± laughed Mule.

    ¡°You joke, but I worry about things sometimes.. What if the cargo has been contaminated? I¡¯ll climb back there and find out,¡± said Jed.

    ¡°No you won''t. We will find out the answer to that soon enough friend, but I would not worry the liquid container we are trucking is of extremely sturdy construction. It will be fine,¡± declared Mule.

    ¡°Alright. Sometimes it''s hard to remember that after all we¡¯ve been through I¡¯m just a bag of bones not invincible. Well I need to remember the promise of light at the end of this tunnel,¡° said Jed.

    ¡°I will help keep you safe as much as possible for it would be so cruel to have made it all this way only to fail right near the finish line. You know as well as I that things on this planet are really random, but together we will imagine fortune that will last until we expire into dust with it,¡± said Mule.

 47: Wierd Tale of a Mutated Moose

    The storm of thick shroom spores previously plaguing our heroes had disappeared. Instead the terrain had turned to husks covered in thick layers of multicolored mold. There were many shrooms that had died long before being able to fully spread their loads, soon enough the slowly spreading invasive fungus would be the only thing living here. A diverse mold type with wispy strands coming in black, blue, white, green, and probably more.

    The sound around the party was silent, but the traveling was easy going for the truck at least. The air supplies remained strapped on both heads. This trip continued for another hour. The toxic scenery remained relatively unchanged and bleak.

    At least they had some tunes to play. The tape started first with maximum cowbell, then in order clean funky telecaster, fuzzed out bass, wailing harmonica, a crying fiddle, and smooth lap steel guitar. Jed did air guitar while Mule tapped his front hooves on the steering wheel to the drums of the outlaw country song. The band were pros at playing off each other, each getting a turn to solo while others could be heard shouting encouragement in the back of the studio. Jed and Mule both agreed long ago it was all about the rhythm and groove regardless of the genre.

    ¡°You know I have a bad feeling we aren''t out of the woods yet,¡± said Jed, pointing to a gut feeling in the mold suffocating a faraway hill.

    ¡°What makes you say that?¡± said Mule.

    ¡°I really wish you didn''t lose your special vision Mule. That sort of thing really could be really good at saving our asses when my eyes are blind in this gasmask,¡± coughed Jed.

    ¡°I know, but ain¡¯t just surviving what counts right now, or am I just a useful ability to you anyway what''s the trouble man stay cool eh?¡± said Mule.

    ¡°At this point I value most animals the same way, but Mule you are the best among them,¡± said Jed, extending a fist.

    ¡°Thanks hey man, why don¡¯t you recline your seat and get some sleep,¡± said Mule, shifting gears before he could complete their secret handshake.

    It was nighttime for some time, and nearly verging on early morning. The flames shot from the big rig as it climbed a little hill. The visibility was high thanks to the pair of full moons in the sky. Jed had fallen asleep in the passenger seat for a bit. Mule was getting impatient to finally find safe terrain so he could do the same. He dreamed of coming to a stop, and stretching all four legs for a second first. He required every hoof in action to drive this tanker.

    The animal behind the driver''s seat was getting thirsty. Mule pictured himself sneakily refilling his straw cup with a sip of the juice they were hauling. This was one of those adventures that was going to require a long period of recuperation when it was finished. It was one of those things. Hopefully a long rest period of extreme luxury, and pampering fit for spoiled royals. They both deserved it for all their hard work. According to maps they were well over the halfway compilation mark for this life changing delivery quest.

    None of this fungal growth had been marked. It remains uncertain what dangers could be waiting for the remainder of the trip. Earlier they had estimated together 11 more days remained of the adventure. Just 11 more days before they would have a break from each other.

    Mule gazed across the wide open empty fields of mold growing wild. A massive dark shadow was taking up a lot of real estate on the end of one field. He shuddered. It was probably another boulder, but it could be another enemy creature in hiding. He looked over at his sleeping comrade. Jed had a dead shot aim with his weapons should any danger show itself. Since the action started neither seldom got shut eyes. So it was best to make sure the threat was real. Mule looked back out across the field. The largest shadow standing there had disappeared.

    "Jed wake the farc up we got something stalking us on the edge of the mildewing meadow, it might be a tiger" said Mule, gently shaking the man.

    "Zzzzzzzzz..." said Jed, sleeping out cold, and not responding.

    "Awake Man there''s a threat," yelled Mule, really hoof tapping an armored arm.

    "Yaawn..huh what is it now?" yawned Jed, beginning to stretch his limbs.

    "More danger lurking close. It could be a tiger and those are outside my power level at the moment," said Mule, focusing back on the road.

    ¡°There''s always a threat, can¡¯t catch a break,¡± groaned Jed.

    ¡°I would say we are safe here from any animals as long as we keep moving. Just think how thick the grill on this barreling tanker is,¡± said Mule.

    ¡°Then why did you wake me up?¡± asked Jed.

    ¡°Just in case it¡¯s some kind of monster,¡± said Mule.

    The path immediately ahead was blocked by the shadow with two horns sticking forward. It was a mutant creature. A massive mold covered moose with shrooms growing on its hairy antlers and an elephant''s trunk crystalized full of growths for a mouth. The beast sniffed the air, and made a mutant mating call that shook the vehicle speeding towards. It was similar in size to a mammoth with tusks.This narrative has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. If you see it on Amazon, please report it.

    "AAAA shit turn this thing around at once before we¡¯re moose meat!'''' screamed Jed, awakened on the wrong side of the bed inside a speeding truck heading for the end.

    It was too late to reverse course. He grabbed his gun shooting through the window at the creature. The layer over layer of mold coating acted as armor while the beast underneath became enraged. It screamed a call louder than the horn Mule had been blowing. The beast maneuvered itself to lock antlers with the truck.

    "We are screwed," stammered Mule, who had been rumbled trying to slam the brakes before it was too late.

    "Crunch!"

    They remained alive somehow. It had gotten a lot colder, but the vehicle was still running. Jed opened his eyes to see open fields without any windows. He turned to look behind but the mirrors were gone with the rest of the removed cab.

    ¡°Wow that was close, can you climb back there and assess the damage to the vehicle while I get us the farc out of here fast,¡± yelled Mule, stepping on the gas pedal as far as it would go.

    Jed held onto the ripped end of the ruined extended seat belt. He climbed the ladder on the juice container to see a better picture. He saw the big rig''s cab torn off and pierced through the side by the antlers waving the cab in the air like a lighter at a concert far behind them.

    "That was a close call, we almost just got shaved alive damn," yelled Jed.

    "Let it on me Jed, is the moose still on the loose chasing us?¡±

    ¡°Nope, but don¡¯t stop donkey,¡±

    ¡°I can¡¯t hear you buddy but as long as the trucks are still going I''ll keep going until I can''t anymore. Now you watch out for hazards from behind and holler if it starts to chase after us again," screamed Mule.

    "Gotcha," said Jed,hearing enough to get the picture while keeping his eyes peeled, acting as the human rearview with the mirrors gone for good.

    Jed loaded in fresh bullets to top off a contingency for many events to occur. The rifle was strapped to his back, and him to the ladder. The torn apart seat belt was buckled to his belt. The mutated moose had long disappeared from view.

    "Phew," said Jed, adjusting the cap above his respirator.

    He should have put it under his armor to keep it safe from blowing away. The moose loudly called again, rumbling them. It sounded closer than ever. Jed almost jumped off the truck to look in every direction.

    "My nerves have started to fray, and I''m not as sharp as my younger, far less battle disturbed self," said Jed loud enough so that only he could hear.

    ¡°You love to complain, you haunted bastard,¡± laughed Mule, slapping his friends back.

    The truck continued to barrel down mildew roads long gone unused. The temperature outside was getting hotter, while the vehicle was traveling faster. The winds were fiercely attacking our heroes exposed to whatever elements blew in from down the road.

    Later on the man adjusted himself again in order to prevent his body from falling asleep. He had been sitting cross legged for an extended period on top of the oversized container of juice they were hauling. He hadn¡¯t seen or heard from the mutant moose in a long time, probably an hour.

    Three suns loomed overhead in the afternoon. The terrain was beginning to change to the scorching heat of a desert. It was time for another chit chat out front. Jed climbed down the ladder attached to the tank.

    ¡°Watch out for incoming road hazards,¡± yelled Mule from the driver''s seat.

    ¡°Whoa what is it now? There''s always a threat, can¡¯t catch a break,¡± groaned Jed.

    He cursed ducking from the incoming object at the last second. There was something scraping the paint off the back of his armor. Jed lay on hugging the trailer as low as he could get. He saw the thing that had attacked him narrowly smashing into the dust trail left by the big rig''s tires. He had narrowly avoided getting swiped by a prickly looking cactus torn up from the vehicle.

    ¡°Hey watch what you run into and send flying my way..Man I hope civilization lies ahead, a hotel or something we can bathe in,¡± sighed Jed.

    ¡°Yeah, I''ll have an all you can eat buffet,¡± added Mule.

    ¡°Good thinking,¡± said Jed.

    ¡°Either way there''s no way that moose is coming in here. I''d say that''s the last we ever have to worry about it,¡± said Mule.

    ¡°We''ve got all new threats to worry about seemingly everyday,¡± said Jed.

    ¡°You''re always such a pessimistic man, I think it''s time to take up yodeling,¡± said Mule.

    ¡°If I always assume the worst I''ll never ever be surprised,¡± yelled Jed.

    ¡°Yeah that type of thinking won¡¯t do you any favors man,¡± said Mule.

    The big rig limped along as the road turned to that composed of desert packed soil. A sign ahead had sat in the suns too long and was no longer legible. The only part of it not bleached and peeled was a faded picture of a fountain of painted water. Nearby a totem pole of smiling cartoon skulls towered towards the sky.

    ¡°Well that driftwood looks friendly,¡± said Jed.

    ¡°Let¡¯s keep going and find out, but I think those are clearly fake for decor,¡± said Mule.

    ¡°You never know man, I mean donkey.. Those skulls might be a clue to the next creature that will threaten our journey,¡± yelled Jed.

    ¡°Let¡¯s keep going and find out,¡± reiterated Mule.

    Mule shifted to a lower gear. The sand underneath the tires was getting slippery and threatened to suck in the truck. If they got stuck here there was no saying how far they would have to walk to escape. Nope they would have to live on rations and jungle juice while working to unstuck themselves. There was no way their asses were getting saved again by some Crazins or other locals.

    It was time to concentrate on driving. At the moment they were fine as kind, and the road looked good again far ahead. In-fact it looked tarred ahead, but currently the sand was the worst it had ever been.

    The vehicle started pulling off course by the rear axles. Mule looked to the side they were beginning to slip down a dune. He shifted another gear lower by instinct, and gave the pedal a beating to the floor. Jed felt the back of his head getting roasted by the flames and soot puffing out the stacks like a dragon.

    The front tires slammed forward lurching themselves aboard the paved road. The truck drove into a desert sunset, and they stopped for a break.

    ¡°I gotta go to the bathroom but I''m going to be pissed if there¡¯s any snakes or scorpions planning a welcoming party out there for me,¡± said Jed.

    ¡°Remember your own words man, lol to keep your expectations low,¡± said Mule, stretching his hooves.

 48: Psychotic Overkill

    Edward was freaking lost deep in the core. He only had a stump to defend himself in what appeared to be a cursed abandoned factory. There were only two Knights remaining to keep him company. He continued leading them deeper into the haunted warehouse.

    The party of three continued a maze of large identical cardboard packages stacked in rows, and rows. There was an odd mysterious object buried under tarps intermixed in the uniform cardboard cutouts. The shadows trailed them while the clock was ticking to get out of this place full of things that could be real or fake.

    ¡°What the farc is happening to us?¡± hyperventilated Mooseman, his gun shaking cradled in his hands.

    ¡°I think we''re on a death trip to nowhere good?" Squeaked Zito, be careful not set off his friend''s hair trigger with a tap on the shoulder.

    ¡°Don¡¯t touch me man,¡± said Moosman.

    ¡°Psst that really was the Queen we saw, not a trick,¡± Zito whispered softly in Mooseman¡¯s ear so Edward couldn¡¯t overhear.

    The lanky knight''s hands trembled while he held tightly onto his lantern, and sword. The husky one gripped his shotgun above head-height.

    "The Queen or mimic,ahem,¡± Mooseman froze like a deer in headlights on seeing their leader had turned around,¡±

    ¡°She was just here and then she disappeared into a portal either way,¡± blurted Zito, too focused aiming at a covered metal barrel.

    ¡°Okay simpleton listen up. The area around and beneath this temple is haunted, remember the skeletons right?¡± yelled Edward.

    ¡°Yes of course we have been trapped here in the core much longer than you have,¡± said Zito.

    ¡°Yeah remember,¡± stated Mooseman.

    ¡°Well the core is playing mental magic mind tricks in an attempt to break us. It''s a kind of spell defense mechanism that causes a mental collapse in the minds of those too weak to withstand it. Now if the two of you keep your composer we have a good gamble at escaping alive and seeing the real version of my mother on the other side, understand,¡± ordered Edward.

    ¡°Yes sir understood,¡± said the only two remaining knights that hadn''t died.

    ¡°We will survive,¡± nodded Mooseman.

    ¡°Hey there must be another way out of here, perhaps a better teleporter underneath a tarp or built into a section of the factory where they ship stuff off,¡± sighed Zito, putting away his weapon.

    He turned the knob on his lantern as far as it would go, knocking back the darkness.

    ¡°Gulp, we should follow the boxes to their destination then. If the three of us stick together like roach honey we can survive,¡± said Mooseman, turning round to aim at their rear case, anything would charge behind. ¡°Hey man look at that,¡± he started walking towards a ledge.

    Zito sped off to catch Edward who had already begun leaving. The remaining knight was all alone in an instant. Mooseman found himself left in the dust, staring entranced into a dark chasm of nothiness. The void called the deafening echoes of 10 billion souls screaming trapped in the innermost core.

    Mooseman turned spooked out of his wits. He began to jog while losing steam, and sight of both men in front of him. He painted while lagging behind in a zone that punished you just for existing. It only took a single tiny mistake to cause the gruesome demise of anyone no matter how tough in the planet''s ruthless ever evolving core.

    ¡°Hey there that looks like an exit,¡± yelled Edward, changing the direction of his stride with the breeze.

    He had spotted something sparkling at the edge of his vision briefly between the stacked rows of boxes.

    ¡°Maybe we should cut open some of these crates your majesty and see if anything useful resides inside,¡± Zito loudly huffed out.

    ¡°Shh,¡± said Edward, placing a finger over his lips.

    He continued speed walking leaving a dozen identical rows of cardboard furniture behind. Dead ahead was a massive conveyor belt blocking the path forward. It ran stacked with more of the same size boxes along the facility.

    Edward followed it until it traveled through a far wall lined with a heavy plastic flap. He looked to see what was on the other side of the beltway. In the cutout they found two identical looking doors waiting on both ends.

    ¡°Clang!¡±

    The loud noise of colliding metal rang out behind him. Edward turned to see his two knights toppled together in a pile. They had become separated in the box maze before running into each other around a corner. The big one was in danger of steamrolling the little one below him, but at least nobody''s gun had gone off.

    ¡°You two numbskulls need to watch where you are going,¡± Said Edward, rolling Mooseman off the pile with considerable effort.

    ¡°Yes sir," he said standing, and lowering a helping hand for his friend.

    "Hhhmg, Next time you do that one of us is going to die," said Zito.

    ¡°Hey since I feel safer alone, how about we split up and search for clues. I take that door there,¡± said Edward, pointing. ¡°Now you two take the other one, and we will see which one is housing the escape exit,¡± ordered Edward.

    ¡°Ok so explore as far as you can in what you imagine to be an hour and meet back here at this location,¡± added Zito.

    ¡°Sure, fine,¡±.

    ¡°Yes sir, we won¡¯t let you down,¡± said Mooseman.

    "I wouldn''t make any oaths, you can''t keep man.. Ahem anyway King good luck to you solo," laughed Zito.

    ¡°Don¡¯t go dying on your emperor,¡± grumbled Edward.

    The party split up as planned in effort to find the real exit. The two doors slowly creaked on their hinges while one man got farther away from the others. The floors in the different rooms also creaked.

    Edward walked alone further into the abandoned factory. He exited underneath another conveyor belt and ran through the same wall with its entry marked with thick rubber drapes. Those identical looking boxes were still sitting along it every so often. Nothing had changed until he saw the industrial blast door that stuck out from the rest like a sore thumb. It was bright orange and plastered with more warning stickers than you could shake a stump at.

    The room revealed behind the unlocked entrance was crammed full of heavy unkempt equipment that blinked through many layers of dust, and spider webs. The floor was a thin metal grate that let you see the far below. Where some kind of grimy old furnace burner sitting below the rusty thin sheet might still have hot coals going.

    The catwalk ahead forked in two paths to avoid a rock formation in the center. The structure was lined with pipes, and vats of liquid that looked expired. He followed the opposite path staying with the belt.Edward saw a row of bats sleeping overhead on massive hanging rolls of clear plastic shipping wrapper. The boxes on the belt were wrapped in the stuff going forward.

    He continued going until arriving at a rusted railing hanging by a thread that marked a drop to sudden death. A single light lit a rickety looking set of stairs headed underneath the construction failure. He found himself re-acquainted with the other path rejoining into one again. So much for choices thought Edward. He pushed open the next conveniently unlocked metal door.

    On the other side a single red light emitted from a small rectangular control panel left dangling in the steamy closet sized room. A thick wire hung from the ceiling connected to the remote while the three circular buttons dangling around on the surface swung red, green, and yellow. A case of theft: this story is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.

    Edward got closer to the remote waiting to be pushed. He stopped and looked behind his shoulder to double check the coast was clear. A bucket of trash almost looked like an attacker for a second. He noticed the rows of lockers, a slimy toilet, and a bathtub overfilled with maggots a little past it.

    ¡°If only they still made escape manuals for factory settings,¡± sighed Edward, grabbing hold of the device.

    None of the buttons were labeled, but only one of them glowed red.

    ¡°Perhaps that button is the alarm,¡± Edward noted to himself.

    He hit the non glowing green one, and waited. Nothing happened, so he tried the yellow.

    "Farc it," he said, attacking the red over and over again like a bull.

    He climbed the cable it was attached to and started beating the device into the low ceiling. The wall groaned, pulling back a new entrance where the lockers had just been.

    ¡°My lucky day,¡± said Edward, leaving.

    He walked into the dark opening. The air was crisp, frigid, and sinister. A cold wind whistled from somewhere. There he stepped out of the cave, and from beyond a grave. The picture had suddenly become black and white. He held up his stump, and the dull scab confirmed that the color had been left back in the building.

    He approached a small rock wall blocking the immediate way forward. It didn¡¯t take much effort to climb behind it. Inside, rows of small buildings sat every so often among the tombstones. The only illuminating light appeared to be moonlight borrowing through a large hole dug in the massive cavern above. It seeped in enough to provide a clear picture with the aid of a select few burning torches scattered around.

    Edward scanned the massive graveyard for any signs of life. He found nothing in that department, but he did see what looked like a renamated patrolling skeleton. At the far end of the far side looked to be a rock running over a cliff edge. A bridge or something else leading back to his old life of luxury he would find.

    Edward sunk behind a crypt as he heard something drawing near. As soon as he had hidden the sound of horses, sleigh bells, and cracking whip intensified.

    ¡°I almost got our fresh finds to the dump on time just like I told you Nancy. Yeehaw,¡± cried the dead driver, as the pair sped past.

    Ned was clocked aboard a carriage with a blind dead witch of a passenger in Nancy. They were pulled by the two skeletal remains of horses. The vehicle''s body was packed to the brim with jostling coffins threatening to break out, and so one did. The simple wooden coffin flipped over a bump. It smacked into a grave exploding into a shower of splinters, hair, teeth, and armor.

    ¡°Rats, I''ve done and flunked another,¡± cried Ned, stopping the sleigh.

    ¡°What have you screwed up now?¡¯ asked a raspy voice aboard.

    ¡°Just stay put Nancy. We dropped another coffin. You aren¡¯t capable of cleaning up anything due to your lack of eyes,¡± said Ned.

    ¡°I would make you clean up your own messes regardless,¡± she cackled.

    The cloaked zombie with the frozen beard climbed onto the stones. He let the hook out from where it had been hiding in his wizard cloak. It reflected a pale horse''s skull in the moonlight while Ned stroked the sharp edge of the crystal.

    Edward swore under his breath from where he was hiding. This was his best opportunity to retrieve his prized object that was stolen from him by that creature. He just needed to lurk in the shadows a little while longer, and plot the best angle to attack.

    The coffin had bumped off the wagon, and burst apart at the seams. The runaway corpse had all the limbs still attached at least. Ned eyed the target over and then aimed his fist at it. The hook shot out of his arm on sparking wires with a pop pierced through the stomach of the target. Ned fumbled with his other arm looking for something hidden in his robes.

    ¡°No where did I put it shit,¡± he mumbled, throwing out two pool balls black and white out of his front pockets.

    ¡°What¡¯s taking you so long?¡± Nancy whined from the hearse.

    ¡°Shut up witch, Ahh ha nevermind I found it,¡± cried Ned.

    He held a tiny object to the moon in triumph. It was a winch key found on wind up toys, musical boxes and torture devices. Ned slammed the key into his successful experimental arm. He began winding, while an oily substance began spurting, and the corpse hauled forward with haste.

    ¡°Gotcha,¡± said Ned, lifting the pierced body back towards his wagon.

    Edward leapt onto Ned in a surprise attack with his stump extended.

    ¡°Smack, whack, CRACK!¡±

    He beat the cloaked zombie wizard with his stump too hard, launching it into the air like a home run. Ned smashed through a gravestone and kept on traveling on a crash course out of bounds.

    ¡°What in tarnation was that get it Nancy,¡± yelled Ned, smashing another stone to dust behind him.

    Ned tumbled around flailing through different directions until he was heading towards a splat with the wall. He aimed the hook at Edward and fired his shot. The dead pierced body smashed into Edward scoring a direct hit.The corpse''s head bit into a spiked grave marker anchoring Ned seconds away from being impacted by the wall.

    Edward dusted himself off. He saw the wizard start to wind away from him again. He would have to pull it together from opposite ends of the graveyard. There was time to strike when he couldn¡¯t be hurt by his own hook.

    Edward followed the wires to hyper-focus on the fastest route to take. He sprinted as fast as he could past the hearse, and connected living dead horses. He dodged three bites in his general direction. He barreled towards the hook impaling a corpse and hooked to a grave marker towering overhead.

    ¡°What slithers by my hot rod chariot unless it is flame breathing zombie reptiles you stand no chance against my necromancy,¡± called Nancy, sitting in the rickety hearse drawn by the normal looking skeletons of horses.

    ¡°Dead be my eyes, and my teeth, You must rise from the grave to help Ned again, and again forever till time ends because he is incompetent,¡± cried Nancy, seemingly casting a spell.

    A termite emerged from the hearse, as a maggot emerged from Nancy¡¯s eye socket. The bugs ate well, as hungry hands inside the loaded coffins shook the shackles.

    ¡°Oh boy I forgot to unlock you guys.. Well gotta get the key to the coffins, but there''s plenty of freshly buried plots to make up for it,¡± she cackled.

    Edward ran past weathered grave after grave that were all beginning to look the same. A golden naked statue momentarily distracted him with a display of massive junk. A plain fountain marked the path. A hole in the wall to a garden filled with dead flowers withered away to twigs.The grave marker was in the center. It was a spiral building just big enough to house winding stairs. Edward could see them waiting to be conquered through the open door as he continued sprinting through the brown grass. He entered the structure and climbed as quickly as he could to the top.

    The chained door was beaten open by a single blow from the stump. On the roof the wind blew, rattling tarps, drainpipes, and gargoyles. The bloody body hooked through the waist to the highest point overhead rattled the most. Edward looked over the side. Ned was really struggling to wind himself up the tower. Above the King was going to have to come up with a way to wind himself to the top before the wizard.

    ¡°Hmm¡± said Edward stump on his chin deep in thought.

    ¡°UrRG¡± spluttered Ned, winding with his hand, and climbing the tower with his feet.

    The blood supply of the arm long dried on his shirt every twist of the winch still brought the wizard towards his hook, and body. He put foot over foot clumsily shambling along like only a zombie. Regardless of his current condition he would prove Nancy that he was a supremely competent individual. The only problem was she couldn¡¯t see anything including how awesome he was.

    ¡°Smack, Wack, whamo!¡±.

    Edward launched himself onto the wizard, and beat him with the royal stump. He cracked Ned in the head over, and over, and over again at full force. The stump was bleeding again, but Ned''s skull had been caved in. Edward licked his lips when he saw the sweet brains exposed and came down swinging harder, and harder again. They were no longer slowly winding towards the destination hook.

    ¡°UUUUUH¡± groaned the zombie, dropping a device he tried to activate.

    ¡°You were dead before, but now you''re really brain dead. A fitting punishment for a thief it is only too bad you were not alive to suffer more¡± said King Edward.

    He was winding the key impaled into the limp zombie arm with a little skull remaining. They had almost reached the hook at the end of the wires. The device Ned had dropped below was a timed explosive.

    Wind whistled fiercely on top of the grave marker. The spike was a barb over a platform to stand on. Edward held Ned¡¯s arm as the wind blew him side to side, and over the roof. He slowly reeled them towards the hooked corpse. They were almost there..

    ¡°Gotcha,¡± said Edward.

    The impaled knight fell to a limp thud on the platform below. The extended wires from the hook launching mechanism had begun to heap around threatening to tangle everything. The King removed his hook from being unstuck carefully with only his feet anchoring him. Ned added a ton of additional weight that threatened to topple them. Edward raised his stump and impaled it where the hook had previously hooked.

    ¡°Yeeooow¡± he yelled.

    With his body secured at the stump Edward raised Ned by the arm. He already held the dead wizard''s extended hook hand clenched between his teeth. He used his crystal implanted mouth to begin sawing away into the bone. Ned''s arm had attached a modified version of the King¡¯s stolen hook. Edward was getting everything back and more.

    ¡°Hehehehe,¡± the dead wizard faintly laughed insanely to himself to cover up the pain of amputation.

    ¡°Who¡¯s laughing now? I guess still you I thought the dead couldn¡¯t feel a thing shut up,¡± said Edward.

    He finished his cut, and released the body below. Ned hit the edge of the platform with the other corpse before rolling off to further fall. Edward was held high in the air by his stabbed stump as he slowly wound the two part hook launching device back together.

    "Finally the hook is mine again," cried the King of the tower.

    On ground level far below the wave of zombie knights summoned by Nancy had swarmed. Now they entered the base of the structure to climb the stairs. This was where the timed explosive dropped by defeating Ned in time had fallen onto a zombie arrow quiver. It was stabbed by an arrow and soon exploded. The explosion rocked the graveyard destroying anything caught close. The tower creaked, moaned, and began to topple on account of taking most of the damage. It all fell down slowly wobbling from side to side, then just as it had started it smashed all together in a steaming pile of ruble. There was nothing that looked alive remaining here.

 49: Dungeon Crawl

    A knight held metal in both hands. A much larger one held a shaky light high above his head. The door creaked open leading them to an even darker room.

    Zito let go of the door and it clicked shut behind them. He wielded his sword made of sharpened crystal with both hands.The flickering torch lit a large conveyor belt running through the area with the occasion box plopped along it. The rest of the area was stacked with walls of plastic shipping wraps, hundreds of cardboard labels, cobwebs, and dust.

    ¡°Cough..Gag.¡± Mooseman was struggling to breath.

    ¡°Would you spit it out already,¡± scolded Zito.

    ¡°Yes boss, well maybe not my allergies are getting worse as the air seems to be getting worse and worse,¡± moaned Mooseman, as the light bounces erratically.

    ¡°It¡¯s just the same old shit over, and over again ain¡¯t it Moose?¡¯ said Zito, maneuvering over a partially loaded pallet truck.

    Zito attacked a spider web blocking the path, cutting it easily. Mooseman double checked his shotgun was ready to go while simultaneously trying to hold the light. They came to a locked door.

    ¡°Never mind that man you¡¯ve checked your weapon seventeen times since we saw the Queen. I bet if we run into her again you will jump and shoot her dead with that itchy trigger finger, if you don''t get me first by accident,¡± fumed Zito, turning with a scowl.

    A small mouse snuck between their feet trampling over Mooseman¡¯s size 19 boot who jumped in the air and almost blasted himself in fear. The light crashed to the ground as the creature retreated to its home in the wall. The two knights gave each other wide distance causing one to back into a lamp breaking it with their behind.

    ¡°Not my week, not my month, not my year, what the fuck do I wear this thing for,¡± raged Mooseman, reaching for his own neck he grabbed and twisted.

    "Those two were a pair of ghosts. The Queen and her escort are not a mind trick," said Zito, whose face had gone pale behind the crystal gas light cast from far below.

    Mooseman ripped off the necklace containing the small shard of a green crystal all knights wore for luck. He bent down and kissed the transparent shard that showed through to his skin. Where he always wore it was a small scar it had left imprinted in the jugular.

    ¡°C¡¯mon big crystal,¡± he prayed.

    ¡°No you clumsy brute don¡¯t get supersensuous on me. Man that was the real Queen. I know it was her one hundred percent.¡± yelled Zito.

    ¡°Where¡¯s the proof?¡± asked Mooseman, becoming skeptical.

    ¡°Hahah I have all the evidence I ever need found blowing in the wind,¡± said Zito, picking up and inspecting the light with cracked glass.

    He holstered his weapon, and removed a scrap of fabric from one of his many hidden pockets. A pink piece of something embroidered with jewels.

    ¡°What is it, and why didn¡¯t you show the King before?¡± asked Mooseman, aiming to snatch it for himself.

    Mooseman snatched it away, and inspected the object. Zito jumped, and jumped in a futile attempt to reach enough height to grab it.

    ¡°Hey that¡¯s the Queen¡¯s royal panties. I recognize those from her best propaganda spread,¡± drooled Mooseman, giving them the same treatment he had just finished with his necklace.

    ¡°Hey man I always liked the one where she was 22 doing her mandatory military service as a hot yoga instructor. Temporarily pinned to my walls, but forever my heart,¡± said Zito, distracted by sudden hornyness.

    ¡°I guess that lucky charm does work haHA.. Hey why didn''t you tell the King about this discovery anyway Zito?.

    ¡°Well I suppose It''s a very awkward conversation,¡±stammered Zito.

    ¡°No worries buddy when we find him again I will breach the subject,¡± bellowed Mooseman.

    ¡°Do you have a death wish or something? Farc me man don¡¯t rock the boat around leaders with unstable personalities or all the lucky charms in the world ain''t gonna save you or us.Shhhh... shut up before you get us killed I want out of here!¡± yelled Zito, hovering the blade across his lips, and slashing at the air for good effect.

    ¡°Careful with that weapon boss. Umm you know what, let''s calm down and focus again. We know the Queens are still alive and will keep looking for clues to the exit,¡± boomed Mooseman, tying the torn lingerie around his neck.

    ¡°You owe me all the loot you find for keeping those,¡± hissed Zito, as he ran ahead with the light.

    "Alright deal," replied Mooeman.

    The two exited onto a large cement ramp lined with a fleet of forklifts parked along the slope. A moderate incline leading down to several large garage doors rusted shut for business. Every inch of the cement surface had been painted with yellow lines, and red octagon warnings.

    The knights cautiously approached the entrance marked above with lettering that looked elvish, and a red line painted across the path. Zito crossed the threshold first. He bent down to the door handle and gave his all to lift it, but it remained closed tight. Next he put his boot in the handle, and pried his sword underneath. He strained until his back arched, but still nothing moved, including Mooseman. Zito left his weapon stuck and threw up his hands in frustration.Unauthorized tale usage: if you spot this story on Amazon, report the violation.

    ¡°Hey man what the fuck are you doing lollygagging around for?¡± yelled Zito glaring, ¡°I could really use your help right about now¡± he scolded.

    The other knight sighed.

    ¡°Alright boss,¡± said Mooseman, soon arriving at the door.

    "You are an idiot," cried Zito.

    ¡°Just hold the lantern and watch how muscles work,¡± he finished, taking the handle.

    The big knight grunted putting his back into raising it. Zito tried to help lift with one hand, and hold the torch with the other, but did nothing. The garage door began to slowly creek open. Mooseman stopped lifting just over Zito¡¯s head.

    ¡°Alright go under and I''ll hold it,¡± he said.

    ¡°You better not lock me in there¡± said Zito, grabbing his sword, as he climbed underneath.

    ¡°Uuuugh¡± cried Mooseman, struggling mightily as he limbo under the metal.

    The garage door loudly slammed down kicking up cement dust. Both knights found themselves back together in a cramped area.

    ¡°You know you could always use that sword of yours to cut through locked doors instead of depending on me,¡± said Mooseman.

    ¡°That¡¯s true, sorry it¡¯s hard to think with little sleep for days in this crazy core. Thanks for saving us a lot of time getting in here. It looks like a lab,¡± said Zito.

    There were sheets of ice coating every inch of the walls, metal tables, and cabinets. On a table beakers filled with multicolored liquid fizzed, and popped. A cauldron simmered, bubbled, and smoked in the corner above a gas cylinder burning low. The icicles hung from the ceiling above dripped slowly melting into the potion.

    ¡°Gulp it looks to be recently occupied,¡± said Zito.

    ¡°Hey, maybe there''s a helpful scientist somewhere who can zap us back to the service,¡± whispered Mooseman.

    ¡°Well it¡¯s probably a mad scientist man, be careful what you wish for,¡± sputtered Zito.

    ¡°Yeah it could be the home of a mad wizard that will zap us into gnats if we steal his shit, or force us to drink one of those colorful looking potions bubbling over there,¡± said Mooseman, loudly sniffing in the air. "Wow they smell real fruity, I''m almost hungry enough to indulge.".

    "Knock yourself out man," said Zito.

    Their light flickered off the walls of beeping, and blinking panels. They pushed further into the laboratory past pots of dead interior plants. A double sink, soap, emergency eye wash, and foreign looking appliances marked the beginning of a more industrialized kitchen.

    Mooseman opened a fridge, rubbing his hands for food, but was disappointed to be greeted by a smelly musty interior full of cobwebs. Zito walked ahead past an empty well stained couch. The walls after that were lined with coin operated dispensers filled with strange experiments to collect. A picture of somebody''s kid hung crooked on the wall.

    Ahead the hallway got darker, but a green light flickered. It turned to grainy lit screens showing security footage. A figure sitting guard in the chair with a white dome. It was the back of an exposed skull of a skeleton.

    Mooseman knelt along the dispensers inspecting what he could see was inside each. As went along with a brilliant idea for freeing a prize from one of these machines. He got on his stomach, and began crawling along the dusty floor. The knight carefully checked underneath the vending machine, after another. So far he had only turned over gum when he was looking for a coin.

    ¡°Hey man, psst listen,¡± whispered a voice.

    ¡°Aaaachuu!¡± responds Mooseman, smacking his head off a coin slot in the process.

    ¡°Shhh.. there''s a dead man in the next room, get to your feet friend, and let¡¯s clear it,¡± whispered Zito, grabbing his friend''s arm .

    ¡°Nice, and gladly¡± said Mooseman, cradling his noggin with a hand and clutching the coin that he had knocked loose.

    The two knights crept the hall going into the shadows. The grainy screens of the televisions flickered different images captured. The locations picture some familiar, and many more not in unknown locations around the factory. The guard on duty in the chair remained still.

    ¡°On the count of 1. 2. 3.. NOW!¡± yelled Moosman spinning the chair around.

    Zito stabbed, and stabbed until the creature''s jaw hung slack. The skeleton wore a lab uniform that looked like it hadn¡¯t been washed in months. The face was rotten, filled with blackened teeth of cavities, and bones stuck from every angle. A laminated security badge hung securely around the corpse''s neck.

    ¡°Phew alright, we''re safe,¡± sighed Zito, performing a final stab for good measure. ¡°We should get that key card from the dead, maybe it will get us access to certain areas,¡± he finished

    ¡°Good idea, and since you volunteered to be the one to get all the loot, well you be the guy to untangle it ha ha,¡± laughed Mooseman.

    ¡°Alright take my sword fool and cut off the head so I can easily snatch the key,¡± said Zito.

    ¡°Very well, clear back first though,¡± said Mooseman, adjusting the strap of the boomstick hung around his shoulder.

    He took the small sword into the opposite hand of his torch. Mooseman raised his arm back and lopped off the head. The body slashed at the air, while the head bit, and gnashed for blood on the floor. Zito whistled as he stepped away in surprise. He booted the incoming head by reflex. It went smacking off the wall down the hall.

    Meanwhile the rest of the dead scientist''s corpse had calmed slightly from thrashing. He snatched the key from out of his grasp that loosely sat on the creature''s shirt. Mooseman had stuck the sword through the chest like a kebab. The knights slowly regained composure, gasping for clean air.

    ¡°Hey Moose, look at the footage above you,¡± stammered Vito.

    They both turned to study the grainy screens. A video of an empty barroom cut to a safe room full of Elves nervously pacing around. There looked to be about a dozen, and they looked like top tier executives except for one. The odd elf out looked to be tied to a chair, mouth taped shut, while dressed in top tier designer detective clothing.

    That footage cut to Edward batting Ned with his stump in the graveyard. Another screen displayed the Queen in a looping sequence while she was teleporting. The remaining three security screens had shots of nothing but static.

    ¡°We have to run back the way we came from this dead end, and find the exit,¡± cried Zito.

    ¡°Yeah King Edward is our best bet, but I won¡¯t spill the beans. We need his help to get out unfortunately,¡± replied Mooseman, giving his friend back his sword.

    They ran down the hallway past with the head biting into the couch like a rottweiler. The large knight threw open the garage door for the other knight to run under. Mooseman ducked under himself and let it slam to the ground after them. The severed head could be heard continuing loudly teething into the drywall.

 50: Dark Shadows

    Two knights hurried along a dark hallway in the haunted factory. Their metal feet squeaked on the laminated flooring. They stumbled over each other stopping at the opening ripped through the wall leading outside. A cold wind blew in from outside the destroyed bricks where the color scheme became monochrome. The debris led to a path climbing a small hill.

    ¡°Should we follow this explosion?¡± asked Mooseman.

    ¡°I¡¯d say so it¡¯s our only shot really, chief,¡± said Zito, peeking out.

    ¡°I knew this place was dark but now it''s simply black and white only,¡± said Mooseman.

    ¡°Well man at least it doesn''t look like the place is filled with more ghouls to kill yet, ¡± replied Zito, heading up the path.

    ¡°Gulp, Don¡¯t fucking curse us. We saw the footage, maybe this is already king Edward''s final resting place, and soon to be ours,¡± shuddered Mooseman.

    ¡°Okay let¡¯s sneak around, try to find that tower that collapsed with the King on the roof and see if he''s still alive, and if not an exit,¡± said Zito.

    ¡°Yup this graveyard is the only path going forward, but it¡¯s also a circular sandbox of sorts to navigate," whispered Mooseman.

    ¡°Let¡¯s keep the sound snuffed,¡± finished Zito.

    They crept outside the factory walls. A row of fresh burials behind gravestones welcomed them to the new area. A single moon hung in the core of the planet. It cast shadows that moved like tides through a hole in the ceiling.

    Suddenly an amplified cackle rattled the massive cavern. Mooseman jumped in fright with the hairs on the back of neck trying to split. There was a lot of groaning going on. The buried soil of unmarked graves hands slowly rose to unsoiled buried bodies. A dead knight pulled itself from an unmarked plot right next to their feet.

    ¡°Ahh the dead have been raised by a witch!¡± yelled Zito, dodging a zombie grabbing at his armor.

    The creature tried to bite at the neck, but was kept at distance with both hands. Mooseman stood awkwardly trying to aim his shotgun without double tapping his friend. Zito continued to struggle in close quarters with the creature that towered overhead.

    ¡°A little help here man. Fuck bash the thing with blunt force,¡± he screamed.

    Mooseman stood thinking for another second before it hit him what he was supposed to do. He turned the weapon around and started bashing the zombie''s head. He hit, and hit stunning the creature from immediate attack using the butt of the boomstick.

    Zito was able to wriggle free. He struggled backwards off balance, pulling his blade for a counterbalance.

    ¡°Braaains,¡± many voices groaned in agreement on a life goal.

    The closest zombie knight had turned its focus onto Mooseman. Zito charged, and swung his sharp weapon. The dead helmeted head bent sideways half chopped by sword. Zito grunted and struggled to free the weapon while the headless creature was confused. He started kicking the meatbag in the back with equal amounts of effort. The zombie fell over, while he kept his sword in hand. It was trying to rise again, and hungrily chomping at the bit.

    ¡°Crunch!¡±

    Two large feet jumped on the head crushing it underfoot. There were growing groans for breakfast all around them. The mob of the walking dead had been continuously unearthing. Every second they stayed still they were growing closer to being completely surrounded.

    ¡°I think we got some company,¡± Zito said, stabbing a creature through the straps of its overalls, and aiming his revolver in the other hand.

    "Bang!"

    His first bullet knocked a rotten cowboy hat off a decomposing skull.

    "Boom!"

    A shotgun blew the face off another dead attacking them.

    In addition to the zombies a massive pack of skeletons blindly wandered between the crypts in the background. They had already begun to splinter apart after being summoned by the necromancer Nancy. She cackled from the sidelines while her troops hunted every crevice for meat. She was blind and thus had to use her zombie''s eyes to see by returning to their heads.

    She could only see one creature''s vision at a time. It wasn¡¯t that she was fully controlling them, instead all she could do was mark a general point for the horde to swarm. Previously She had directed her dead to climb the tower where Edward, and Ned had dueled over the hook.

    She was too hyper focused on men and missed what was happening right underneath.Her carriage driven by the non-responsive dead horses smashed out of control through the grave-sites. She had lost control of everything when the same tower collapsed spooking the horses who continued to throw fits. The speeding carriage of empty coffins couldn¡¯t be stopped, and neither could her summons.

    ¡°Damn it. Why didn¡¯t I put another corpse in the passenger seat for eyes on the road,¡± she said, slapping her skull repeatedly. ¡°After that bitch disabled me I¡¯ve yet to fully adapt to a blind life among the dead,¡± she hissed ¡°Stop horses or you will turn us both to dust,¡±.

    The skeleton horses smashed through a brick wall. She had adopted both of them because of a shared bond of having no eyes, but they had proved extremely stubborn, and hard to train. She had managed to find the reigns, and worked to halt them unsuccessfully.

    ¡°Halt Howard, and Ducky! Why won¡¯t you stop running?¡± she cried, throwing the reins away in frustration at being unable to fully control her creations.

    ¡°Guess I gotta bail, but I''ll be bone dust on impact,¡± she sighed, fumbling around.

    Her skeletal fingers searched for the button to recline. She dropped back the seat until hitting coffins stacked in the trunk. She felt for a spare as the cart bounced two and fro. She heard something splinter off to smash somewhere behind the charge. They must have been going past a steep turn because everything aboard was shifting. Nancy grabbed a hold to the handles while riding on top of a coffin. She swung beside it, and threw open the door.

    ¡°Bon voyage,¡± she said, climbing inside.

    She slammed the coffin lid, while screwing the key from her armor. She unlocked the locks strapping the cargo with chains, and slammed shut the covers. The dead horses had only increased their pace, and unbeknownst to them or Nancy straight towards a cliff.

    They were long out of the graveyard climbing a massive overhanging ledge that hung over a void of nothing. The steep incline began to slide the coffins off one at a time out of the carriage as it shook, rattled, and tumbled over bumps. Only about half of the cargo had fallen off the wagon as it barreled over the edge. The dead horses continued to haul the remaining cargo as they fell for eternity into the void of nothing.

    Meanwhile Mooseman, and Zito were beginning to accept themselves joining the ranks of the army of the dead surrounding them. The end was shambling closer and closer within the cramped graveyard. A hundred of the corpses already lay on the ground in bits and pieces no longer walking. It looked like ten times that number still waiting for a chance to grab a bite to eat. The entire graveyard had risen, and the two knights looked to be the dessert tonight.If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the violation.

    ¡°Well it was nice fighting with you until the very bitter end of things buddy,¡± said Vito, overwhelmed with targets to attack with his sword.

    ¡°Boom!" said Moosemans broomstick, knocking apart two dozen with explosive crystal loads.

    ¡°Let¡¯s go through the path I just cleared,¡± he boomed, while chomping a lit cigar, and loading two more red shotgun shells.

    They sprinted forward, slowed by dodging the hands in the grass grabbing out. The opening in the horde was rapidly closing. The path was steep onto a muddy road filled with holes of black water.

    A large iron gate at the proper cemetery entrance. There the skeletons stumbled blindly in every direction in this area. The two knights hastily crouched through the mob of slumbering bones. The chasing zombies stumbled from every direction behind filling the road. The armored dead pushed aside anything that clipped them as they swarmed the tombs groaning in frustration, unable to find any food. On the roof of one of the tombs Moosemen, and Zito hid from behind cover.

    ¡°Psst Moose that rubble might be where our king lies, R.I.P.,¡± whispered Zito, pointing his revolver at the big pile of rubble where the tower had previously stood.

    Mooseman lay plopped on his stomach twisting out his cigar stump on the granite underneath.

    ¡°Yup I¡¯d say he¡¯s dead like them ghouls out there alright. No doubt about it¡± he said.

    Zito sighed. ¡°I think our last option here is to try and find those Elves we saw on the footage earlier, and bribe them to help guide us,¡± he whispered, tightly clutching his backpack.

    ¡°Or we follow whatever that is out of here,¡± said Mooseman pointing his stogie at the cave ceiling.

    Zito followed his eyes to the shadowy figure swinging high above them. The thing swung back and forth gathering momentum throwing shadows through the air before a hook shot to another point stopping his free fall.

    Edward swung across the gap in the cavern ceiling leaking moonlight. A king of the castle with his old hook retrieved, and upgraded. He swung out of the graveyard like he had mutated into a half spider. He flew to the far side of the massive cavern and passed the hanging rock of battered coffins around a tree.

    High above the path curved into a spiral staircase heading deeper underground. He swung back and forth until he was hanging still. Edward unlocked the device attached to his missing hand. It slowly retracted, repelling him to the ground while the hook remained anchored in the rocks above. The king landed on the ground and he jerked his hand to undo the hook in the ceiling. It fell as he slowly started winding the wires back into place.

    ¡°It¡¯s good to have you back baby, I missed you so sweet hooker,¡± said Edward, kissing the device.

    The nearby coffin shook and rumbled with vigor. It was wedged between rocks having fallen onto the door. Edward raised his eyebrows and aimed his hook at the commotion.

    ¡°Hey a zombie fish in a barrel,¡± he laughed in amusement.

    The sound of the horde of zombies was increasingly growing from the graveyard.

    ¡°Nah might as well stay locked up,¡± he said, shaking his head and turning to leave the area.

    The occupied coffin stopped moving behind as he entered a small tunnel providing an exit. Edward would find the way out of this mess to save his kingdom, and whatever remained of his family. He fumbled around in the dark,swiping his crystal cutter in front. It clanged against something dripping water.

    Edward stopped to take out a secret box from his clothes, and felt himself combining ten matches into a mini torch. He struck a match against the official D.D.P. matchbox. The light was still black and white. The entrance was several steps from him running face first into it.

    ¡°Uuuuugh this room better at least have some schlock for me to drink on,¡± he cried.

    He shot the hook blowing open the waterlogged wooden door, and advanced winding the hook as he went. This was a medium chamber that appeared to be a dead end. He threw away the stub of matches burning his five, and only fingers. This was a circular cave chamber lined with intricate tapestry hung. Two enclosed pits burned magma coating everything in a red hue. In the center is a carved polished stone with three empty holes. Edward stubbed his foot on something and almost cut himself limping around in pain. He looked down in anger at the culprit three blocks of stone.

    "Hmmm," he said, picking up the heavy stone triangle.

    He saw a square hole, a round circle hole, and then the triangle cutout. He tried to shove it into the circle like a dick.

    ¡°Just kidding, I was only pretending,¡± he told himself, putting the triangle into its cutout.

    The room rumbled as part of the wall slightly retracted before stopping ? down. He hooked onto the circle rock, and grabbed the square. He put them in their respective holes. With the puzzle solved the wall fell revealing a generic office area. The lights flickered on automatically above. Edward paced back and forth on the laminated tiles looking for clues.

    The medium room had six rows of three bulky metal desks covered in papers. A single filing cabinet lined the back wall while a single control panel ran the other length. Above the panel full of buttons, nobs, screws, levers, and flashing lights ran a wide window. Behind the window was what looked to be another generic factory setting. Above that window a sign read ¡°Safe Houses and Crystal centers inc¡±.

    ¡°Gosh darn it the core is so fucking corporate,¡± sighed Edward.

    The factory viewed from here was nothing, but an empty warehouse, with the exception of metal support beams, cobwebs, and some kind of track rail system bolted along. The king raised his hook aiming at the rail outside the glass.

    "Well let''s see where this one leads," he madly cackled.

    ¡°Smash!¡± said the hook, breaking the window as it was launched.

    It shot through the air hooking onto the rail. Edward wound frantically after the hook that was racing away with sparks. The tension immediately pulled tight and he was launched forward after it.. He growled, flung down a dark spooky corridor at high speed. The rail shot over the top of a warehouse composed of many large dark shadows, and silhouettes. He smacked through a rubber blanket and was whipped by cold air. Edward launched into a massive open ice cavern full of tiny homes hanging. Some had lights on, some did not. He rapidly rounded a corner, swung too far and smacked through several icicles.

    ¡°Brrrr,¡± said Edward, covered with snow dust.

    He sped past identical one door, and windowed boxes after another floating in air. A floating library of 100s of safe houses creaking in the breeze attached to off tracks off the main air rail. He swung around another corner and tried to disconnect his hook to land on a porch. He tried again but it was locked into the rail. He slammed sideways spinning like an out of control top. The hook ground round a bend carrying him inside the depths of another factory area.

    ¡°Zzzz,¡± said Mooseman, snoring on the roof of the tomb.

    ¡°Man even asleep you risk blowing our cover,¡± whispered Zito, on the roof of the next structure over.

    Skeletons shambled around knocking blindly into stones. The zombies groaned, shuffling out of the area. It was almost time to make a run for the king, but that was probably the same place the zombies were going. Little time had passed since they had climbed here to hide, but it already felt like an eternity.

    Zito jumped the short gap between roofs landing next to the sleeping knight who¡¯s large gut rumbled. Vito adjusted his slung backpack enough to remove a tin can rectangle. He peeled back the sharp aluminum to reveal fish filets in mustard juice. The food was exposed below Mooseman¡¯s nose. It immediately caused a drooling reaction, as he bit into the air like a hungry hippo.

    ¡°Psst it¡¯s time to wake, gobble this snack, and find the king,¡± said Zito, taking out a fish.

    He began to feast. A cold hand grabbed his wrist.

    Mooseman snatched the container from Zito, and ate four fish at once.

    ¡°Thought you would hog all the food when I was sleeping huh?¡± He loudly questioned.

    ¡°Nope, I need to wake you as the corpses have gone, and we still have a king to find,¡± said Zito, extending a hand.

    The knight helped pull the other to his feet who was three times as big.

    ¡°The skeletons have gone back to bed¡± said Mooseman looking over the side of the tomb.

    ¡°Huh they were just functioning¡± said Zito, looking around piles of bones littering everywhere. ¡°Let¡¯s tip toe out of here so as not to wake the dead¡± he finished whispering.

    The ground began to loudly rumble, and shake all around.

    ¡°Creak.. CRASH!¡±

    The two knights fell through the roof breaking their fall on ceramic urns. The moonlight showed through the broken ceiling where they sprawled in a pile of debris, and ashes. A crystal statue carved in armor watched them from the end of the tomb. They quickly got to their feat, and readied their weapons, as the ground continued to quake. Mooseman charged forward kicking apart the rotten wood boarded across the tomb exit.

    They were in one of many tombs circling an empty mound of soil. The skeleton bones rumbled, and bounced towards a central location. A femur jointed into a hundred others while the spines fused into one thick chord. The skulls attached themselves everywhere, laughing from every section of the towering monster. It jerked shedding bone fragments as the mass formed six legs underneath it, and claws. It scuttled sideways like a crab clicking bones. The gravestones disintegrated before the creature toppled a tomb. The sounds continued further away as the creature rampaged through the graveyard. Both knights had hidden behind the exit to the tomb. Zito peeked out his head.

    ¡°Psst I think the coast is clear. That thing is headed in the same direction we saw the king swinging, maybe we should try another way man,¡± he whispered.

    ¡°Burp.. Farc this place but forward is the only way forward,¡± replied Mooseman.

 51: Cold Plunger

    The giant crab-like monstrosity constructed of fused together skeletons scuttled through the underground graveyard. It clicked and snapped its claws blindly destroying everything it came into contact with. A tomb was toast, as those hiding inside barely dove to safety.

    ¡°Hey dumb dumb over here help me out,¡± a muffled voice called out.

    The crab followed the soundwaves of trapped hands beating to free themselves from the rubble of a collapsed tower. The claws descended to rip and tear up the terrain searching through the area like a backhoe. The first dig site turned over nothing except an old box spring mattress. The claws furiously smashed into the ground digging up a kicking leg it immediately discarded.

    ¡°No, over here you dummy.. That thumping is my arm kicking underneath something separate,¡± yelled Ned the dead wizard.

    The spiky legs of the crab slowly rotated itself holding the flailing arm high over the dead head babbling away below it. A little of the neck and shoulders remained of Ned, but everything else had been cleaved off in the tower fight by Edward.

    A set of skulls attached on the underside of the monster laughed in his face. The monster''s six legs worked overtime to crawl to a higher section of the ruble. A claw latched onto Ned¡¯s exposed entrails and twisted. The monster flung him spinning into space among its many skull faces. The dead wizard''s flesh began to fuse to the spines of hundreds of others, his eyes were the only ones aboard the creature he now shared consciousness with.

    "Grrrr, I put all that work into enhancing my hook only to be easily defeated like a chump. It gets stolen and my body parts cleaved with it," complained Ned.

    The crab collective he was part of continued moving sideways. It easily adjusted itself onto a section of the fallen tower forming a ramp down. While the legs scuttled the claws danced menacingly overhead.

    ¡°Well now look who''s the boss of this arena it''s time for round two,¡± all the heads cackled together blending into a chorus of the dead.

    The two surviving knights gazed at the horror. They had ducked into freshly dug graves as the ground rumbled. Mooseman fumbled with his shotgun at the death directly above. The monster waltzed right past them, then across the graveyard until it smashed through the outer wall.

    ¡°Well I don¡¯t see any way to destroy that thing, or stay alive regardless,¡± Mooseman sighed, sticking his head out.

    ¡°I believe you¡¯ve said that many times already about many things. Well I¡¯m not giving up,¡± said Zito, holstering his revolver.

    He jumped at the roots in an attempt to climb out of the hole. He fell backwards holding rotten wood knocking him to the soil.

    ¡°I suppose it¡¯s best to remain silent and remember all the good times of my life before here and while I still have the opportunity,¡± said Mooseman, climbing from the hole.

    ¡°That¡¯s a whole lotta talking,¡± laughed Zito, jumping in a feeble attempt to escape the grave.

    Mooseman lowered his hand to the smaller knight that ignored him. Zito kicked at the dirt trying to get attached. He finally found a foothold and climbed out all by himself. He dusted off, and shook the dirt from out of his boots, armor, and trousers.

    ¡°Before the crab returns let''s try and find ourselves somewhere it can¡¯t fit, or climb¡± said Zito.

    They began speed walking along a gothic fence of sharp iron points. It twisted along the path with its fine metal working of roses, and rivets.

    ¡°Quick thinking buddy,no point moping about the inevitable,¡± said Mooseman, slapping Zito¡¯s back in encouragement.

    They began jogging in a graveyard that appeared frozen of life. The massive underground cavern they were in had a hole in the ceiling letting in black and white moonlight. A ceiling also coated in crystal deposits that seemed to sparkle. A powerful supernatural energy seemed to flow from the ground into their bones.

    Outside of the cemetery a cliff edge leading to a void of nothingness was a seldom used path. Gnarly trees long dead covered in a thick layer of frost. It coated everything here including a scattered array of well worn coffins. They had previously been tossed out from a speeding hearse.

    The wind moaned blowing from somewhere unknown blowing in clicking and clacking sounds. Hearing the approaching crab the coffin stuck wedged between a gnarly old tree and a rock pile began to thrash. The monster took notice and clawed onto.

    ¡°Hey give me control numbskull,¡± yelled Ned, fighting for full access to the claw.

    Finally he was able to direct it to yank apart the splintering wood to reveal a skeleton dressed in Elven plot armor. Nancy was no longer imprisoned.

    ¡°Wow Ned you look awful,¡± she cackled, falling onto the gravel.

    ¡°And how would you know Nancy blind witch?¡± he retorted.

    ¡°I¡¯ve found a pair of fresh eyes to look through while I was trapped here,¡± she said.

    The monster turned six legs, rotating itself to look behind. A possessed dead bird was watching them with its feet planted on a corpse''s crows feet, and eating the eyeballs. The zombie crow had growths where the resurrection crystals had impaled its rapidly dwindling feathers. It flew away to settle at a safer distance watching from the top of the mangled skunk spruce. Nancy controlled its hollowed out void within the outer layer of original flesh.

    ¡°Huh you really are an old bird,¡± said Ned.

    Nancy nodded, dusting off what she could observe from above of her armor, and bones. The crow flew into the smaller cave next door. She was making maximum use out of its beady little eyes. Next they spotted the broken windows, matches, and other signs of her ex boyfriend.

    ¡°He¡¯s down in that cave kill him Ned,¡± Nancy screached, while pointing towards the cliff that dropped to the void.

    ¡°I think you mean the tunnel over in the other direction where your eyes, and beak have just flown,¡± replied Ned.

    ¡°Yes, Go kill him gently so he can finally join me forever married to death,¡± sighed Nancy. ¡°Don¡¯t ruin his body if you can help it,¡±she finished.

    The claws snapped excited by the thrill of the hunt. The creature was stuck walking back and forth.

    "Hmm, I''m still figuring out my new body, still fighting all these other connected heads with minds of their own to wrangle, haha No promises," said Ned.

    Nancy cracked her joints propping herself on a tree. The vibrations meant she could feel the giant crab moving away. She cackled with pleasure while her crow flew deeper into the factory. Revenge was going to be easy. Getting dropped from the harem was one thing, but getting assassinated by a random was beyond the pale. He didn¡¯t have the balls to do it personally which made this super personal now.

    Ned the crab knocked out the partially broken window in pursuit. He climbed inside to disappear scuttling among boxes in the next room.

    Up ahead Edward¡¯s hook was stuck grinding onto an air rail. He traveled at high speed through warehouse after warehouse while dodging obstacles. He had to get off this ride before being splattered like overpriced art. A large square type face plastered sign warned ¡°Objects May Fall Wear Hard Hat¡±.

    The rail traveled along the factory floor until suddenly soaring towards the ceiling. Edward glanced down at his feet hundreds of meters above an industrial maze. He was over what looked to be a skate park. The sitting tanks of green acid, and the vats of pink labeled ¡°mystery flavor¡± revealed it to be something else.Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon.

    The speeding man tilted his head to prevent whiplash while the track took a crazy left turn. He swung far sideways narrowly avoiding the massive no smoking bolted to the ceiling. A light fixture threatened to catch the sparking rip cord attached to the flying hook strapped over his stump of an arm.

    Edward grabbed the key stuck in and began gruesomely winding himself closer, spurting blood. The air rail creaked while he slowed near the summit. He saw the drop approaching. It was too late to unhook.

    ¡°Aaaaaa,¡± he squealed, dropping like a roller coaster.

    Stacked boxes flew by his feet. The wind peeled back his face full of sparks from his hook. A sign on the floor marked workers quarters. The rail, and surrounding factory was getting more, and more covered in dusty rust. A section of ceiling had dissolved, letting a drip of acid collect from somewhere.

    Edward spotted the flooded tunnel seconds before he plunged into it. The impact of the belly flop rang his royal armor underwater as the rail continued overhead. The momentum whipped him through a school of fish into growth. The area had opened into a large underwater cavern full of floating orbs clustered everywhere in positions to spawn. A home to many plants and algae blooming, fish, and large tarps of kelp growing .

    The bubbles escaped out of the spinning man surrounded by swimming toadies that swarmed. He was unable to unhook to defend himself and was wrapped like sushi in what tasted like a plastic tarp. The webbed flippers grabbed at him from everywhere.

    Edward kicked to fight off the attacking bootlickers but the hook stuck his arm in an awkward situation. He thrashed like an infant throwing a tantrum whilst being carried throughout the water. The wires connecting to the hook were coiling around his body. His vision was dimming, and the lack of air was slowly suffocating him. The energy was only enough to struggle a final time putting all his effort into breaking out. A vain attempt to not join the dead.

    The attackers swam at a steady pace delivering him exactly where they wanted until he gasped for air above the water''s surface.

    ¡°Arg¡± gasped Edward swinging his free hand. ¡°Let¡¯s fight then shitbricks,¡± he finished, looking around madly to inflict violence.

    Having been torn at the arm round, and round he was disarmed. The seaweed wrapped in a coil of his own appliance.

    ¡°It''s funny the second injustice has befallen me again since I forgot my self interest in favor of family, how foolish,¡± he moaned, bobbing among the egg sacks.

    Inside the sacks dozens of amphibious bodies were taking form.

    ¡°Hmm wait a second..¡± said Edward, bobbing underwater.

    He spit out coughing into a hysterical barking seal like noises of hardened vocals before being sucked back under. He was face to face with three Bootlickers. Their green skin was covered in warts, they had gills, and their eyes were fishy. Edward raged at them, thrashing bubbles they swam for cover. He kicked upwards with full force splashing, coughing, and struggling like a fish out of water. This surface area was a small pocket of air with nothing to stand on but the water.

    ¡°Get back here at once and communicate or fight me cowards,¡± he bellowed belligerently. ¡°Ugh¡± he huffed, then sighed, and finally took a deep breath before plunging underneath.

    His previous movements struggling had kicked around the tiny forms of aquatic life making vision blurry. He could still see a grouping of eggs floating besides him. The edges of the sacks were transparent while Inside the darkened centers things were beginning to move. Edward shuddered wrapped in his own chains slowly rotating in kelp. It was time to rise again for air. He found himself again with the three familiar fish staring at him. They grabbed onto him gently forcing him to surface.

    Edward gasped for breath spitting out water. The fishy three stuck their heads up around him curious about the ugly intruder.

    ¡°This is you guys'' operation?¡± Edward asked.

    The toady fish remained silently staring.

    ¡°Ahh unsophisticated members of this special species. Yes you the ones I¡¯m friends with speak,¡± sighed Edward. ¡°If only I could get some help instead of everything in the planet''s center being fucking hostile, ill give all of you a lifetime supply of food and a tank twice as big if you know english,¡± he finished.

    The bootlicker in front of him didn¡¯t blink, however it opened its toothless mouth.

    ¡°You will have to excuse this treatment as we aren¡¯t normally like this except when it comes to guarding our spawn before they hatch, and we expire,¡± said the fish floating in front of him.

    ¡°Yeah sorry fellas, but I¡¯m not trying to have a feast of roe here. You see I was just heading through the area trying to find the exit from the core, I hate it here I need some ass ASAP, and no I don¡¯t do other species,¡± said Edward.

    ¡°This is where we hatch, while that factory is where most of us work¡±, said another fishy voice behind.

    ¡°Us here our work guarding the next round of workers before they hatch for the next seasonal period of labor,¡± explained the third.

    ¡°Yeah alright, So how about untangling me?¡± said Edward, flashing his best crooked smile.

    ¡°No can do. We can¡¯t risk the safety of our spawn,¡± said the Bootlicker directly in front of him.

    ¡°So you''re drowning me then?¡± said Edward.

    ¡°Of course not,¡± the three cried unanimously.

    ¡°We are a peaceful species that has recognized our place in the pecking order as hierarchies meaned everything to us,¡± said the one in the center.

    ¡°Ahh haha,¡± chuckled Edward ¡°You must be working for the Elves I should have known,¡±.

    ¡°You guess wrong, but regardless we will feed you and give you life support for the rest of your natural lifespan ¡± said the other to the side. ¡°That will be our distant ancestors giving you a factory standard funeral when you pass of old age. You have already met the master of this facility¡±.

    ¡°Who?¡± interrupted Edward.

    ¡°Hehe should we tell him,¡±

    ¡°Hint, it isn''t organic,¡± blurted another.

    ¡°I know the mainframe computer!¡± Screamed Edward.

    ¡°Yes, artificial intelligence,¡± they said together.

    Edward stopped struggling. If the computer doesn¡¯t want him to leave he would be stuck trying to outsmart it. Thus accomplishing an escape will be virtually impossible. The difficulty level was ultra nightmare auto loss unless he found a legendary exploit.

    ¡°I really wish my hook that was just shooting sparks would have just electrocuted every egg in this filthy pond,¡± hissed Edward.

    ¡°The reason you didn¡¯t succeed in getting us is precisely because we do our job instruction to the letter of maintaining our workers quarters filtration system controlled by the synthetic master who knows best,¡± said the fish together.

    ¡°Well this place looks filthier than a zoo so I remain skeptical,¡± mouthed Edward.

    He heard splashing from his back, and side. The one fish in front of him remained above the surface, staring.Soon there was plashing as the other two returned in front with him carrying objects.

    ¡°Want to take a closer whiff of these fake props we use to make the quarters more natural,¡± said the fish who remained empty handed.

    On the other hand the objects held included a plant in his hand, and fungal growth in the other. The last fish held a painted wooden stage prop of an underwater shrub, and bit onto a fake sea cucumber.

    ¡°Here take a bit to see for yourself that they have been manufactured,¡± said the fish shoving the plant in his face.

    Edward raged here harder than he ever had before. An emperor had never before let himself be dominated by Bootlickers. All of a sudden the fish looked scared, and dropped their objects.He remained stuck in the kelp cocoon wrapped with many layers. He floated arm tied and twisted to the hooked rail. He was constricted like a snake and the bootlickers cautiously reproached.

    ¡°What¡¯s that moving fast below the surface?¡± cried one in alarm.

    A black streak shot underneath their feet, and past exploding into the air pocket. A pop as a dead crow hit the ceiling and fell to the water to float. Edwards feeble jailers had fled. He looked down with apathy at the rotting floater.

    The dead bird lay lifeless stuck full of zombie crystals floating among the plastic theater props. The beak began to slowly twist from where it had been stuck in place looking underwater. It snapped 180 degrees with a crack to lock eyes beady red on him. The bird saw something it didn¡¯t like smacking the King with a wing. After being hit with a winged attack Edward also started thrashing.

    The water intensely bubbled. It wasn¡¯t the bird. Deep underwater the bootlickers ran for their lives. A giant crab creature tore in pursuit through the roe. The claws descended on their prey, while the crab¡¯s swimmerets worked overtime to catch.

    The slowest of the bottomfeeders found themselves grabbed. The body crunched as it compacted by a giant claw. The crab''s other snapper snipped the cable connecting via cable to the modified cutting weapon. Unhooked Edward spun towards the rocky bottom.

    ¡°Nobody gets the hook now hahaha,¡± said Ned, head of the monster.

    He was still struggling to break free of being coiled. He smacked into the river rock only for it to squeak and cushion the impact. He wriggled, struggling to stay awake while his vision became increasingly vignetted.

    Ned ate through rows of egg sacs with the rest of his heads. The crab smashed, and destroyed the careful planning of the computer and hard work of the bootlickers.

    ¡°Where is our Eddy boy at?¡± he said, as a claw snapped.

    There were detached parts of leaking bodies floating to the surface clouding the water in a much darker monochrome. The crab brushed it away in looking for its prize while the prey swam to live in different directions.

    Edward swam like mad before panicking past a filter sucking in water. He struggled grabbing the nearby ledge and pulling himself out of its suction. The ground dropped out from underneath him leaving an abyss for the liquid.

    He did a double take. At the deepest section of the pool looked to be a stopper cork attached to a chain in the drain. He could gamble on diving downwards with limited oxygen remaining. He was going to drain this fish tank, and it''s killer seafood along with it, or die trying.

 52: Volume 1 Final (A Side)

    It remained deadly silent outside the factory in the underground graveyard. The two knights were still as mice hiding on their stomachs hiding underneath a sarcophagus. There were plenty of larvae, and whole beetles leaking out from holes in the ground below them. Their breath froze, as they both shivered.

    "Psst it looks like the coast is clear man," said Zito.

    Mooseman let out a multi stage rumbling cough in acknowledgement.

    "It''s getting colder every second in this death trap.. We either keep waiting on the king to return and conserve our energy, or go find a fire to heat our bones," he said, hacking snot at a cobweb, but it was iced mid trajectory to target.

    Zito was trying to crawl, but his legs weren¡¯t cooperating.

    ¡°Well my legs have decided to go asleep on me, but I wanna warm my body before danger presents itself again,¡± he said, limping to his feet.

    Mooseman struggled, groaning to climb from out under the hiding spot.

    ¡°I''d rather die on my feet than my stomach which does not have the same insulation levels as yours in this frigid temperature,¡± stated Zito.

    ¡°Ok boss,¡± said Mooseman, dusting off a heavy coating of mummy dust.

    The pair of them emerged from the tomb to a large entryway. The claustrophobic walls hung with thumb tacked posters full of strange symbols. A row of staging ran the wall reaching the stone ceiling in two sections. There wires ran over everything originating from three large spools scattered around, and a fuse box half installed. Many piles of construction materials took up the middle of the floor running to the exit. A set of shovels hung on the wall coated in dirt.

    ¡°Well there¡¯s the door err in this case permanently open engraved rock archway,¡± said Mooseman, taking the lead outside.

    The snowflakes fell here in this small radius area through a hole in the ceiling directly above. The previously walking dead who had terrorized the living had been absorbed into the crab creature. This spot was farthest away from where the creature had chased after King Edward. The two knights stood on the steps looking over a dead yard below them where the grass was thinning like an ancient hairline. A giant statue of a muscled figure stood clad in jester uniform among the standard graveyard features.

    ¡°No sense wasting anymore time. Let''s find out if our king has joined the dead,'''' said Mooseman, double checking he was locked and loaded by sliding down the slide an inch to expose a red shell.

    Zito looked at his comrade fidgeting and pacing overfilled with anxiety. He shrugged while eating a caramel protein bar that matched his patchy beard. Looking at the ceiling where crystal types sparkled through the grime.

    ¡°Good news is the dead are dead again, the picture has been restored to color vision, and maybe luck is on our side,¡± said Zito, extending a fist.

    ¡°Don¡¯t jinx us with your mouth fool jeez,¡± said Mooseman, completing the bump.

    ¡°It¡¯s all emo with you haha. Man let¡¯s celebrate a return to normalcy, and get free from this dumping ground,¡± laughed Zito.

    They started on an iron rung bridge crossing over what must have been quicksand camouflaged underneath dead flowers. A rat darted in between a nearby stack of identical coffins. The wind howled and moaned above driving hairs on end with cold spookiness.

    Mooseman ducked behind cover. He had spotted a moving skeleton at the edge of his vision. He ran, tackling oblivious Zito who had become distracted by a shiny object, and lugged him behind the coffins just in time. There was additional armor creaking on the other side of the hidden knights aiming their weapons.

    ¡°I can¡¯t let him see me like this hehe,¡± a hoarse voice cackled out of nowhere.

    The red torch light cast moving shadows.

    ¡°I will soon trap a dead husband forever with me, but first I need a veil, and a fresh dress,¡± said Nancy.

    ¡°What do you intend to do mama, paint your skull with pretty patterns to attract him,¡± a shrill voice replied.

    ¡°Hehehe be nice If you want an invite to a dead wedding among these tombs or I¡¯ll rip you up again little leprechaun,¡±

    ¡°Uh huh, but you need my eyes so just keep holding my hand. I''ll protect you,¡± said Rotom, leading as a seeing-eye zombie.

    The blind witch found herself led smacking right into a stack of coffins. The knights stared into the empty sockets and lunging bones attacking. Mooseman aimed, while Zito crouched underneath and covered his ears.

    ¡°Where did your better brother runoff anyway Mickey? We just got him sewed back together,¡± she asked. .

    ¡°I¡¯m Ratom miss. You''re a good seamstress if only your eyes were working,¡± said the leprechaun.

    ¡°A trading of organs will be performed with my witchcraft. You see if I take away my lover''s eyes he won¡¯t see my skeletal features,¡± she sighed.

    A growling noise responded. Suddenly Mickey launched himself for the shadows. The leprechaun was stuffed with zombie crystals and had more stitches onboard than a sailboat. His face looked like it had been lifted off a scarecrow, and he even had patches of straw sticking from his overalls. He jumped with mouth open to bite Mooseman. He had successfully latched on but had no teeth or tongue left to rip in with.

    ¡°AAA,¡± Mooseman cried, struggling with the attacker biting above the shotgun.

    ¡°Boom,¡±.

    The boomstick knocked out the broomstick from the skeleton witch and launched her away. Nancy flew underneath the moon and impacted somewhere in the cavern. Mooseman pumped in another red shell while fighting off the small zombie latched to his back. The pellets he just shot had wedged deep inside Nancy¡¯s Elven plotting armor also cushioned the fall from breaking any bones or grace.

    Mooseman head butted the small zombie that remained undeterred. The second leprechaun jumped from the shadows, and gnashed his teeth at Zito who kicked the attacker ? his height directly at Mooseman.

    ¡°Oops watch out man incoming,¡± he said.

    Mooseman¡¯s reflexes instantly responded punted the creature with a kick into the coffins, as he continued to be bitten by its brother. Zito slammed the dead wood over The stack crashed over crushing something tiny.

    ¡°Crunch¡±

    ¡°Boom,¡±.

    The shotgun shredded apart the stitched together body. It exploded into raining goose feathers and other stuffings onto the men. The head detached, and ate the air as it went sailing through after Nancy.

    ¡°What the fuck,¡± exclaimed Mooseman, sitting on the coffins.

    ¡°First aid coming up,¡± said Zito, reaching into his backpack.

    ¡°Give me the kit, I''ll do it myself,¡± said the injured knight, relighting his cigar.

    ¡°Ahh smart thinking using the tobacco to cauterize the wound,¡± said Zito, tapping his forehead.

    ¡°Huh?..¡± Mooseman continued puffing. ¡°Look I''ve got one item on my bucket list and that''s to finish this stogie before I¡¯m dead so I figure I need to finish it now, ¡± he finished, removing a tackle box like tin marked ¡°medical stuff¡± from his pack.

    A bandage was ripped off the roll, and the scissors started cutting some stitches. Mooseman ripped off his torn shirt to reveal wounds in his muscles. He began to wrap bandages through a jungle of hairs. When he finished he outstretched his arm.

    ¡°C''mon give me your medical gear,¡± he said, looking mean.

    ¡°Alright¡± said Vito, handing over the tin with a threaded needle. ¡°How about a puff of that for myself you know to steady my nerves before I sew?¡± He asked.

    Mooseman grunted, and turned in the other direction with an open tin on his lap, and scissors in one hand. ¡°Oh no I¡¯m gonna do it myself thanks,¡±. This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.

    Meanwhile deeper in the mysterious core of the planet Edward was in trouble. His limited air supply bubbled away from the man''s lungs. He raced against time swimming forward with his muscles on fire. Edward¡¯s vision dampened underwater in a factory fish tank that was frigid, full of plastic props, and bootlicker eggs. If only he could pull the plug the place would be drained. The problem was he had to somehow reach the bottom of the pool before death caught up to him.

    ¡°hahah,¡± laughed Ned, slotted among many skulls on the giant crab in hot pursuit.

    The large boney claws clacked, and clicked. Its swimmerets chopped the water like a propeller. It dove down blocking the path to drainage. Its skulls beamed red eyes like headlights while the mouths hissed together like a hot tub on the fritz.

    ¡°Where are you going?¡± laughed Ned.

    The crabs severed head fused to hundreds of other human skeletons making up the monster. The claws however marked grave danger. Edward¡¯s crown was almost cut off by the swiping claws. He aimed his hook launcher, dodging the threat, and fired through the water.

    The wires flew after it underneath the monster''s shell towards the intended target. The creature angled itself and swam forward for another fight with a raised fat claw to separate a head. It instead cut the cable attached to the hook.

    The crab slammed downward in a special move. It intercepted the wires with the hard shell of an entire graveyard fused together. Edward''s arm was ripped forward. He flung towards hundreds of gnashing teeth.

    The remaining oxygen was almost completely sucked away from him. Edward used the very last of his strength to latch onto the key hooked to the side of the empty hand launcher. He started winding himself in like a fisherman.

    While the key continued automatically twisting wildly into veins pulling whatever remained of the line that had been severed. The big claw snapped like a guillotine, but It couldn''t reach the man in the blind spot underneath. Without warning Edward sprung forward into a flying sucker punch directly into the creature. It was knocked back, and momentarily stunned.

    "Welcome to team dead haha," taunted Ned, as the rest of the monster was maneuvering for the final attack.

    Edward was too out of breath to talk back while his head pulsed dark warning signals of fading consciousness. He ignored them and raised his hardened attachment for the final showdown. His muscles ached, convulsed, twitched threatening to give out. The stump fell like a sledgehammer.

    ¡°Wham,¡±.

    The smacked crab formed small cracks in its white shell. Edward aimed at the filtration system and fired the remaining wires. Nearby a crystal cutter fell overboard from the rail it had been finally unhooked from. It fell toward the target with thrashing claws, and harpooned the thing like a whale.

    ¡°Ooof,¡± said Ned, his upper shell had really started cracking apart.

    ¡°Kerplunk,¡±.

    The sharpened hook cut straight through the bone and began to unclog the drain below. What remained of the stopper was sucked in by the force of the fleeing water. The drain sputtered, beginning to suck in anything close. The crab¡¯s shell was caught in the vortex. The claws wildly swung as the creature was trapped in the drain too small. The water began to rush through the shell of leaky bones, pulling them slowly apart under pressure.

    The creature broke apart running down the drain in pieces. The last claw disappeared,as the water level rapidly lowered. Edward was out cold zooming to the surface. The fish tank floor was rapidly emptying itself. Plastic seaweed, and kelp hung in the air from wires.

    The drain gargled, drinking the remainder of the small pool of fish eggs on the incline below him. Edward drooled at the pool edge and was knocked out. Nearby the two remaining Bootlickers clung to the hanging props sobbing.

    ¡°We have failed to continue our species,¡± cried one.

    ¡°We have failed our computer lord,¡± cried the other.

    The last water trickled down the drain of an empty pool. A man with one hand lay like a starfish hanging to the former waterline. His boots leaked as both were removed. The man¡¯s stump wedged in the pool filter he hung from. The sounds of crying and licking grew in scope. He woke to two Bootlickers lugging off his boots. Edward choked heaving liquid snot preventing breathing.

    ¡°Hey I guess you want to become extinct in this place,¡± he threatened, struggling to pull out his stump from where it had clogged.

    Two fish finished climbing a ladder out of the pool. They ran along the poolside into the guts of a dark factory. Edward spit into his good hand and applied it to the stuck object. With the help of the natural lube he ripped his arm from the suction, but he was left hanging by a thread. He unsheathed a knight''s sword he had borrowed, cutting the retractable wires recently attached to a hook and much longer.

    Edward landed on bare feet. He promptly inspected himself briefly to confirm he was still living. He reinserted the sword, winded in what remained of the wires into a spring shooter, and placed the winding key in his pocket.

    He sprinted to the pool''s ladder to chase. He had two more lives to catch for sacrifice here so going back to the mainframe was still on the table. If he was lucky the third one he had in mind was still living.

    The fleeing bootlickers had disappeared into an office maze of cubicles. He had lost them in the sprawling room causing him to sputter in frustration. With a good hand holding his head from collapsing. He spotted what looked wrinkly royal leather sticking around the bend in one path. ¡°Hah¡± he said, slipping it on.

    The path continued around a set of desks full of family portraits of fish. A degree for acceptance into a fancy looking Bootlicker school hung on the wall. Cobwebs and dust covered an empty desk by a janitor''s closet. The area changed to a hallway full of battle scarred tack boards lacking papers but full of damage.

    A sign read ¡°safe houses access entrance¡±. An alarm started blasting around the corner as the building''s sprinklers activated overhead. Edward sprinted around the corner with an uneven gait.

    The two could be seen through the glass slit in a metal door trying to reinforce with objects. They jumped as a stump sized dent blew out above their flippers

    ¡°Ah ha,¡± cried Edward, clearing the sharp shards away from the pane with his boot.

    His eyes spotted his other shoe dropping, as his enemies fled to a control panel and began slapping buttons with fishy fingers.

    ¡°Grrr¡± said Edward arm stuck through the entry unlocking.

    ¡°Oh no he¡¯s coming¡± called a fish.

    ¡°Don¡¯t hurt us,¡± they cried, hugging near a ledge marked with yellow tap warnings.

    The door slammed open and a maniac walked into a bare platform overlooking a void underneath railings. The place began to shake. A tiny home on rails was descending behind the bootlickers trapped onboard. The porch pulled up and they jumped onboard. Edward finished tying his laces to look up in surprise.

    ¡°Where do you think you''re going?¡± He called, sprinting forward.

    A shriek loudly penetrated eardrums with flippers slamming the main entrance followed by loud bolting. The room began to rumble as gear moved the floating mobile residence swinging back into motion. The deck was pulling away from the platform leaving a rapidly expanding gap to fall into darkness . Edward lunged forward like a madman jumping at the last second. He slammed into the deck webbing grabbing onto a railing. He pulled himself onto the decking. A panel of the main door was splintered apart by a stump sledgehammer.

    ¡°Here comes Eddy,¡± he said, relishing in the fear he was causing his victims.

    The fishy shrieking reverberated around the house before the back door slammed.

    ¡°Nowhere to run I¡¯m coming inside,¡± he taunted, smiling as he retracted his stump launcher from the opening.

    Edward ran towards the edge of the deck to find it wasn¡¯t a wrapping porch and there was only one way in. .

    ¡°Here I go overthinking when I¡¯m destined to be brutish,¡± he laughed. .

    The tiny entry busted apart into pulp. The monster entered ducking. The living room greeted him with a small couch and a loveseat covered in plastic. The floor was shag carpet, and there was strange looking lighting due to embroidered lamp shades. A bookshelf was empty, and the walls were bare with no windows. He walked past a mint kitchen sparkling factory clean.

    The back door was pulverized and kicked into the void below with a combo. The bootlickers quivered in fear at the edge of the back deck.

    ¡°I¡¯ve got you cornered now,¡± said Edward,

    He got closer, his long black hair flowing wildly attacked by the sharp wind. The two fish stared back in fear. They turned holding hands, and walked over the edge.

    ¡°Nooo. Damn there goes my tickets out of this prison,¡± cried Edward, rushing forward.

    He looked below to see them plopped on the roof of another floating tiny home directly beneath. One of the fish stuck a tongue out at Edward.

    He gave them the finger and jumped after. He smashed into the dwelling''s roof right into the living room. There he lay motionless sprawled over a shattered glass coffee table. It had collapsed legs, and a book that matched. The ceiling fan hung sideways sparking lightning overhead. The fish flapped into the kitchen. The nearby couches had feet sticking out from them.

    Edward threw himself to his feet. In the living room corner a body was wrapped in tarp. It sat completely still with a head sticking out that looked like a dead elf under a plastic bag.

    ¡°You''ve picked the wrong party to crash,¡± a sly inhuman voice called.

    ¡°Who are you?¡± asked Edward, spinning around confused.

    An S ranked Elf clad in badges declaring it, and layers of exotic cloth raised a green glowing wine glass. The business tie was a pyramid with their image, and likeness on top of the triangle. Gathered around them on the laying on couches the less stylish elves lounged.

    ¡°I believe you tried to kill me before,¡± said the standing Elf boss.

    ¡°Yeah, let''s get this mobile home to a teleport station immediately before I have to try again,¡± said Edward clapping. ¡°Chop, chop.. well I can¡¯t really threaten that anymore, but bash bash I can¡± he finished.

    ¡°No I don¡¯t think so,¡± said the fancy Elf sipping. ¡°You must meet our species'' latest technological marvel. A super obedient cyborg soldier. I have fixed the Elven species'' main exploitation,¡±.

    ¡°What?¡± said Edward, pausing.

    ¡°Look behind you for the surprise,¡± announced the boss Elf.

    He spun, and the tarp had fallen. The plastic head bag remained on the armored body that was light in neon tubes, and gears beginning to turn. It jolted to life with a plume of steam, sitting up in the medical chair. Underneath the clear plastic bag over the head a motherboard revealed itself in R.G.B. strapped over one of the eyes, the other was brown.

    ¡°Them Cyborg Brains is online,¡± it said in a 16 bit tone.

    ¡°T.C.B. would you kill King Edward please," instructed the head Elf executive.

    ¡°Roger,¡± it replied.

    On one of the robot hands was what looked like a hand mixer. A much bigger and sharper looking one than the kind used by royal bakers. It began to spin as the cyborg laughed in a robotic fashion. Ironically the King had done a very similar thing after tiring of a former needy husband always hogging the bathtub.

    The elves scuttled out the back entrance after their boss who had fled first. The cyborg stomped forward threatening to derail the building due to its heavy armor.

    ¡°Let¡¯s investigate how to kill a King of humans," laughed the cyborg maniacally.

 53: Volume 1 Final (B side)

    The heavily armored cyborg stomped forward snapping floorboards. The industrial blender strapped to one arm was set to maximum overdrive. The neon tubed chest lit through a light covering of oil. Its gears clunked as the second arm rotated forward leaking smoke that smelled of gas.

    ¡°Hahah,¡± it laughed robotically.

    ¡°What¡¯s so funny you armored NPC?¡± quipped Edward.

    ¡°It is actually T.C.B,¡± replied the robocall.

    The cyborg started shredding the edge of the checkered loveseat. Edward fled to the back exit of the tiny home on rails. He swatted aside the lock with his sore hardened stump and attached launcher of ropes, but no hook. He was immediately almost blown away by a gust of wind that tilted the porch almost 90 degrees. The tiny home continued to rumble along the rail over a void of nothingness swinging wildly side to side. Edward hung onto a railing for dear life.

    ¡°I¡¯m going to curb stomp a King,¡± buzzed the cyborg in slow pursuit.

    Edward hesitated at the edge of the decking as the structure began to stabilize for now. He spotted one of the bootlickers running along the ledge of a station growing increasingly far below in distance. The fish waved a greeting from at least 100 feet holding a looted boot in its fins. He shifted vision to the second one struggling to unlock a metal gate. They must have jumped off when the platforms had briefly interrupted routes. He had missed the stop and spun round to loud grinding sounds.

    The small wall was quickly torn apart into saw dust by a rotating blender. Next came a continuous gust of flames lit the open air from the other arm. It swept the back porch with its flamethrower. The tiny home attached to a moving air rail with a collapsed roof was now also on fire.

    ¡°Get roasted,¡± said the cyborg, both its armaments winding down.

    The porch crackled as a beam spit apart. The head of the cyborg rotated in RGB vision scanning for the target.

    "Area negative for king slaying," It reported.

    ¡°Remain laser focused on confirming the kill until it¡¯s done,¡± replied the loud static of the executive Elf.

    ¡°Yes boss,¡± said T.C.B.

    Edward interrupted the conversation by pouncing from above. The cyborg remained upright, but was kicked back through the woodwork it had previously chewed. The feet were braked by the cushion of flaming furniture. The chest leaked smoking fluids as the blender started noisily whirring as it accelerated through the kitchen re-engaging.

    Edward aimed and fired out wires from his launcher as it emerged for another round of action. His line had been grabbed in the turbo blending rotation.

    ¡°Ha caught you!¡± said T.C.B., continuing to flame the area.

    The wires were rapidly rewinding, and pulling him towards being roasted alive. Edward turned and jumped from the platform into a swan dive. His stomach was butterflies as he free fell barreling towards the platform below. He was jerked screaming right before impact and flung back towards the spinning auger. The flames jutted over the side of the tiny home in anticipation. The ropes of the hook launcher loudly protested, cutting deep into the cheap pulpy siding.

    ¡°AAA!¡± yelled Edward, shooting face first towards underneath decking.

    He came crashing through cheap timber directly into the cyborg.

    "Wham!"

    He punched it into the burning building, clanking and sputtering along the way. Edward found his arm hauled further up track before the wires snapped due to the heat. There were only three escapes he could think of quickly, and naturally he would gamble for the riskiest, but also best outcome of making it home.

    The reinforced metal legs clanked forward into the small area, cracking tiles. A hand turned on the clicking burner as it rounded the corner. Its arm ripped apart a cabinet to gain clearance, while it punted a trash can away. On the floor food and fridge trays littered in front of the occupied appliance. The thick ice box door was slammed shut from inside sealing the occupants fate.

    ¡°It¡¯s barbecue time,¡± replied T.C.B., shooting flames from an arm thrower. ¡°Sponsored by pure Elf propane¡± .

    A stream of fire roasted above a sink, and gas stove. It began rapidly heating the outside of the refrigerator. There was a loud hissing of escaping gas from the top of the stove.

    ¡°BOOM!¡±

    The oven leak caught flame into an explosion.The tiny house and platform ceased to be held by air rail. A rain of wood splinters and home insulation into a void of nothing. There was another anchored housing platform conveniently far below. The stocked fridge fell like an anvil landing on the building.

    Edward was locked unconscious inside while he smashed his second roof, through two upper floors in short order. There had been four Elves who happened to be counting gold bricks in a small vault in the third. Three stood looking at the appliance impact zone in horror at a crushed body. The fridge door blew open leaking clouds of cold gas. The Elf boss shivered, and shielded their face with a briefcase.

    ¡°Watch yourself it isn¡¯t a zombie gas to turn us rigor mortis,¡± an underling quivered.

    ¡°Nonsense my noodles were in that this morning,¡± scolded the Elf Boss.

    A crowned head emerged from the fridge.

    ¡°He¡¯s naked,¡± shrieked the Elf underling.

    ¡°He¡¯s still alive and dangerous,¡± said the Elf boss, extending a hand in warning. ¡°Where''s our cyborg at?

    They began to tremble at the awkward silence.

    ¡°It was blown to bits hahaha,¡± said Edward, his hand resting on his escape pod. ¡°Now it¡¯s high time you become escorted by me,¡± he finished by showing stump in threatening fashion.

    The three Elves threw their hands in the air in defeated response. Edward turned to remove steaming charred knights armor from the icebox.

    ¡°I want a fancy suit boss, I need something to wear,¡± demanded Edward, extending his lethal weapon.

    ¡°You will take a lawsuit from the one you crushed with a refrigerator is what you will do¡± said Boss Elf, stamping their feet in command.

    ¡°Ahh an accident caused by an industrial appliance equipped in the hands of your very own thoroughbred cyborg that did them in, but my royal insurance will cover regardless¡± King Edward replied, tearing off the bloodied pants sticking out from the crash.

    ¡°Here take these lets, trade,¡± he said, throwing them at the Elf CEO.

    The clothes hit a panicked target who threw their hands and screamed. ¡°Whoever is the lowest ranked here will be wearing the soiled clothes¡± their voice got smaller as they ran away.

    ¡°Yes master,¡± said the other Elves, who promptly followed their master.

    Edward pursued them into the next area. An industrial zone full of belts, machinery, and cobwebs. A machine rumbled in the corner overflowing a hopper on the floor with gold dust.

    ¡°Ahh suits the greedy bastards,¡± said Edward, studying his captives working a combination lock in panic.

    His plans to interrupt the Elves'' plan was cut off by noise. The sound of jet propulsion, and grinding metal emitted from the ceiling. A sea of sparks dropped from the square hole cutter. An industrial attachment twisted an entrance for a jet packing cyborg to descend. T.C.B. had been flame broiled, with smoking plastic head covering melted, and clothing flaming.

    ¡°Thought it would be that easy hah remember our minds will always be better, and now we have found a way to circumvent Elf labor laws by executing business, and political dissidents into our a loyal troop at last for the Elves¡±, laughed the Boss extending a triumphant hand to the sky.

    ¡°AAAA,¡± They screamed.

    The speech cut off as they were ensnared in the launched wires. Edward held a hostage, with a sword to the throat.

    ¡°Burn me baby,¡± he taunted the hovering drone.

    The cyborg¡¯s low resolution predator vision of 16 pixels locked to the target. An S on the tier list for most wanted by Elves. It went crazy with text alert sounds confirming the license to kill.

    ¡°NOOOO!¡± cried the Elf Boss as fire from their creation engulfed the area.

    Edward whipped his stump launcher with the attached hostage before diving for cover. The Boss fell forward still clutching their briefcase. They screamed as the fire burned into bones, and fake leather melted away to the same building materials equal to any other life.

    ¡°Haha you don¡¯t discriminate with that weapon,¡± Edward quipped, while his body was smoking blackened.

    A valve loudly squeaked signaling another round of action. T.C.B. slowly rotated in the air trying to track a sprinting target. The steam jutted from the rest of the soiled cyborg being heated by the attached jetpack.

    ¡°Let¡¯s turn up the gas,¡± it said, floating forward.

    Edward ran into the next room chased by intense heat. The remaining four Elves scampered outside the next exit. They reinforced the door with boards and nails. They worked overtime nervously watching the hallway on the other side through the door lite window. Edward skidded around the corner and spotted them down the hall through the glass.

    ¡°So your species is capable of working with your hands¡± yelled Edward, raising the stump to threaten his next meal.

    He could hear the hiss of jet thrusters in pursuit. There was nowhere to go but forward for now. Edward used his stump as a battering ram and broke through to the other side in three hits. The elves had long scrambled.

    The next area was filled with hanging bags of blood. Skeletons also hung in dusty plastic bags on coat hangers like dry cleaning. A tray of lab instruments next to a covered hospital bed bound with chains. The glass smashed and the sign with helpful bright colors and directional arrow reading ¡°morgue¡± fell.

    T.C.B. clipped through a wall in presuit liting papers on a desk below. It broke descending to ground level. The walls rumbled with each cyborg stomp forward. Edward pushed aside two double doors. The steady stomps continued outside muffled. The small brick room was a dead end. A case of content theft: this narrative is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.

    The area was naked except for an oven marked crematorium above it. The large metal latch overhead opened leading to grated inside underneath a dark void calling. A single dirty red button hung beside the furnace begging to be pressed. There was only one place to hide in this area by crawling beyond the red tape warning where the flame was set to minimum.

    The threatening sound of stomps grew behind the walls with the tension where they stopped. The silence was brief, immediately replaced with the whirl of drilling wood. Soon the splinters gave way as the cyborgs'' attached arm bore through the sole exit. It cleared the plaster after the target.

    ¡°Where are you?¡± It asked.

    ¡°Right here,¡± replied Edward, jumping out of the shadows ringing the cyborg¡¯s helmet with his stump from behind the frame.

    On the other hand still has a sword. He lunged forward trying to kabob a patch of exposed flesh. The jet pack activated in close quarters sputtering emissions moving away any remaining good air. The sword rang flopping away from the wrist of its user after clanging off the cyborg''s outer shell.

    ¡°Drats,¡± cursed Edward, dropping the weapon due to debilitating arthritic sears.

    The cyborg rocked into the far wall and continued the clanging. It had fallen awkwardly with flailing attachments. Sparks flew from the stone floor. The man retrieved his sword.

    ¡°Let¡¯s finish this,¡± he said, cautiously approaching the killing position.

    ¡°Hahahaha,¡± leaked with the oil from the brainwashed weaponized Elf.

    When that emotion was completed the thrower started firing. Thick flames bounced off the floor into the open oven. Edward jumped back with locks smelling of sulfur and almost roasted alive. The rotating arm of death had stopped grinding sparks, but now it was extending like a third foot. It pushed the cyborg back onto its others. The sharp auger revved forward into attack while the jetpack shot it extending towards him. The Elf Boss cackled watching from heavily damaged retinas.

    Edward calmly loosened his body sideways into game position. He batted for home.

    ¡°Whack,¡±.

    The cyborg was driven directly into the open oven. The victor promptly grabbed the handle and slammed closed with his good hand. His remaining strength was depleted, Edward stumbled forward like a schlock-o-maniac. He tumbled slamming into the big red button before totally collapsing in on himself. The metal door was being drilled through as the cyborg was engulfed in flames of the incinerator.

    Edward cradled himself and his ears on the floor. Inside on a rapidly heating bed of embers the loud scraping drill continued trying to escape being cremated for a long time. The sound effects haunted Edward¡¯s brief nightmares.

    Later two knights rested their bones near the area¡¯s single mangy tree. They were on the outskirts of the underground graveyard. A cliff to nothing was below their feet, and a cavern wall they rested their backs against.

    ¡°Ugh where do we go now,¡± Zito sighed.

    ¡°Common sense says we should only follow paths that lead upwards from here on out, but there''s only down,¡± replied Mooseman.

    ¡°Yeah we¡¯ve established we should stay away from that tunnel,¡± said Zito, pointing to a dark passage.

    ¡°Yeah well I''m bored enough to do something stupid, here I go,¡± said Mooseman, standing to attention.

    It was unbeknownst to them that their former king had ventured here into stock factory trouble.

    ¡°Here is where we wait for death to return, there is where we face it head on,¡± said Mooseman.

    ¡°Aye,¡± nodded Zito in agreement.

    The cavern wall was beginning to rumble like a stomach. They jumped from the coffin they had been resting. A nearby section in the rocks pulled away forming an exit.

    ¡°What the farc is going on?¡± asked the Knights in unison.

    ¡°Missed me?¡± a mysterious voice called from the darkness.

    The knights lowered their swords until the Elves started emerging.

    ¡°It¡¯s a trap¡± yelled Mooseman, panicking.

    ¡°No it is your leader speaking lower your weapons if you want to escape with me,¡± screamed Edward seething with rage as he power walked into the cavern.

    ¡°Oh,¡± said Mooseman.

    ¡°These fellows will be accompanying us back to the teleport pad," he added.

    Zito looked sheepish as two Elves waved at them walking out of the secret exit. The party of five walked into the large deserted graveyard. Soon sinew, bones and other bits crunched underneath their feet. Otherwise it was quiet, except for the hooting of an owl. A thick mist overtook them, while a chilly wind blew in snowflakes.

    ¡°Now we have to play the fun game of retracing our steps,¡± said Mooseman.

    ¡°I believe we should be heading in that direction,¡± said Zito, pointing past the circle of tombs, and the mound of collapsed rubble.

    They all followed the familiar path for some time until something didn¡¯t figure.

    ¡°Where¡¯s the gate out of the graveyard?¡± asked Edward.

    ¡°That¡¯s just what I was thinking¡± mouthed an Elf.

    ¡°Over here,¡± yelled Zito from ahead somewhere obscured.

    ¡°Where are you?¡± Asked Edward.

    Mooseman ran out of the fog of war and pointed. ¡°Dead ahead king, you can¡¯t miss it."

    Soon they returned to the freezer where the saw blade was lined with blood frozen between the teeth that had been cut. The ice blocks were silent, and a meat hook was dangling far overhead.

    ¡°Now comes the hard part,¡± said Mooseman, removing his pack to search within.

    ¡°I wish I could at least hold onto that rusted hook,¡± said Edward.

    A switch flicked, and a chain winch began to rattle.

    ¡°What have you gone and done?¡± yelled Mooseman on his feet. ¡°You two are prisoners, don''t touch anything or else,¡±.

    He grabbed an Elf off a control panel and began to shake it. The meat hook lowered in front of them at crown height.

    ¡°Smack!¡±

    Mooseman tumbled away from the Elf. He clutched his head on the floor with a bloodied hand. ¡°Ughh that stump is hard,¡±.

    ¡°That will be enough, those Elves are VIPs of our party with no discipline for them as long as they don¡¯t run off,¡± said Edward, adjusting the cuff of an elven underling tailored suit he had looted.

    ¡°Yes sir¡± mumbled Mooseman, crouching to render first aid. ¡°That was an overreaction from stress i¡¯m afraid,¡±

    ¡°Are you a witch doctor?¡± asked Edward.

    ¡°Well urm no..¡± said the husky knight, winding a bandage around a bald head. ¡°But he will be fine. The real question is how do we climb to ground level when we take a slippery chute to get here,¡±.

    ¡°Easy¡± replied the bruised Elf, tapping a section of ice.

    The freezer rumbled as a door opened revealing climbing steps behind the icicles.

    ¡°Come here often?¡± Asked Edward, grabbing the rusted meat hook, rattling the thick metal holding it from him. .

    ¡°No. We just have a superior tier of vision to humans,¡± said the blue bruised creature limping away.

    ¡°I didn¡¯t even hit them, you Elves are more fragile than our babies,¡± grumbled Mooseman, standing.

    ¡°A natural reaction from abuse of neanderthals taking a mirror from its robes that was shattered,¡± said the smarmy Elf.

    ¡°Clink, Clink, clang,¡±.

    A knight''s sword fell into broken pieces as a prize fell from a crane. He had broken it getting his prize. Edward laughed whilst he screwed on a greatly downgraded meat hook to his launcher. It had been tricky to figure out how to use the key to unlock the chuck accepting a temporary cutter instrument.

    ¡°Huff puff I¡¯m getting to no longer be an effortless youth, ¡°said Edward, spitting a frozen coating of phlegm on the last remaining step.

    The Elves lounged behind the knights crunched under exertion in the adjacent corner.

    ¡°I can¡¯t believe we had carried you since the 13th or so staircase,¡± groaned Mooseman.

    ¡°K Thanks,¡± replied the Elves.

    ¡°Where now? If we¡¯re lost babysitting these goons I¡¯m gonna go mental¡± screamed Zito.

    The Elves shook their heads.

    ¡°Don¡¯t ask us,¡± they said.

    ¡°Well how about that superior vision ladies and gentlemen they see the same things I do, and tell the same lies as I,¡± said Edward.

    ¡°Actually now that you mention it there¡¯s a bright flashing arrow leading the way,¡± said the Elf standing in gaudy pink boots underneath in a matching robe.

    ¡°I see it too ha we are so much better to see,¡± said the second, rising too quickly for anyone to catch the scope of the bigger picture.

    ¡°Well well let¡¯s be off to see the superior nature of Elf, I really am becoming a hardliner of that thinking myself even as a deeply self interested human,¡± said Edward prancing in presuit.

    ¡°I¡¯m going to check my pack for grub. I''ll catch up with you soon, here take this off my hands for now," said Mooseman, handing off his shotgun.

    ¡°Alright chief if you really insist,¡± mumbled Zito like he was sleep walking away with the others.

    ¡°Ahh finally some peace and quiet,¡± said Mooseman, cracking open the lid of something pickled. He dumped the contents into his mouth and gulped it down in under five seconds.

    ¡°Burp I guess I¡¯m top of a tier list in something alright,¡± quipped the drooling knight.

    ¡°You know you will die unless you follow my advice, you want to escape right,¡± a shrill voice cut through the room like a sword.

    Mooseman jumped. A beady set of red eyes revealed themselves from the stairs. Then a painted theater mask covered in makeup, but from the neck down was rotten and disfigured jester garb half hooked with suspenders.

    ¡°I¡¯m Snaggy. Now you should learn lessons from fools and secure your future. The teleport requires a knight''s sacrifice to ensure it ain¡¯t your noggin being digitally uploaded.¡±

    Clang!

    A direct hit from the sardine can went right through the ghost.

    ¡°Out of jester no time for pranks,¡± said the knight shuffling away after the party.

    He crossed through what looked to be a machine underbelly. Pipes ran with every color of wire forming a difficult area to traverse.

    ¡°Hehe don¡¯t tell you I didn¡¯t warn you either you or him buddy don¡¯t forget. Shape your destiny or be the victim hehe,¡± said the Jester near an overflowing bin of trash.

    Mooseman grunted, swinging his weapon swiping right through a target like air. The rubbish coated the immediate area he ran away with no defense against ectoplasm.

    ¡°Hehe,¡± spit the Jester cartwheeling into the dark.

    A light ahead kept what little sanity was left.

    ¡°Hey guys where are you going?¡± Called Mooseman.

    ¡°Here we are,¡± a voice called around the bend.

    The Knight rounded the corner and found himself in the familiar mainframe computer room among the others. The Elves stood over the computer terminal muttering strange things among themselves. Zito talked with Edward.

    ¡°No no,¡± an Elf raised a finger in warning. ¡°This machine doesn¡¯t have the necessary ram power to teleport anyone no chance let''s go.¡±

    ¡°Bummer,¡± said Zito, resting on a cylinder in one corner.

    Edward suddenly pounced forward into attacking. A bucket of blood splashed behind the slashed Elf as their essence was absorbed, and the cylinder lowered with a stomach full of soul. There were two containers remaining to be filled. The other Elf threw themselves into Zito''s arms who dropped them. They crawled below the confused knight who readied his borrowed boomstick.

    ¡°Now I don¡¯t want to shoot anyone, but there ain''t gonna be any more who die on my watch," said Zito, aiming at a crown.

    ¡°You ain¡¯t got no clothes anymore Edward, I¡¯ll shoot if you do anything more,¡± he finished, clicking the revolver''s hammer.

    ¡°Uggggrlllglr,¡± he sputtered, spitting blood in shock.

    A blade pierced his stomach.

    ¡°Sorry buddy, but I wanna get home. I can''t deal with any more bullshit, it''s your or me,¡± said Mooseman, retracting his backstab.

    "Fuck you man," sputtered Zito, sputtering as his lungs filled with fluids.

    ¡°Yeah I deserve that,¡± mumbled Moosman, holding him in his arms.

    The remaining Elf cried in pain as Edward hooked them through the chest. The remaining cylinders retracted into the haunted temple as the computer buzzed, and the screen lit green with a text smiley.

    ":) I love you yumm yum :)".

    ¡°Alright man, welcome to the road-crew,¡± said Edward, helping the last knight to climb away from the deceased on the floor.

    Edward extended a fist that Mooseman half heartedly completed. A surge of energy erupted in the center of the mainframe. The air was sucked into a farc portal that slowly opened.

    ¡°Remember to bring reinforcements to 12345 Killin Wood and save my ass,¡± said Edward.

    ¡°Yes sir, I''ll have to get a bearing of things when I reach the surface again. After that I''m so excited to join you guys on the tour bus when things return to normal it''s going to be like a full time backstage pass,¡±said Mooseman.

    ¡°HEY do it as fast as possible or no tour gotcha,¡± screeched Edward.

    ¡°Yes sir no monkey business of course,¡± said Mooseman, doing the green salute.

    ¡°Zap!¡± Edward tumbled away into the portal.

    He fell dodging other objects, and people on similar journeys. Arms waving towards a dirty body of water. The crown fell off, and he shot the hook in panic. A fast falling object splashed into a swamp. The water bubbled, crickets chirped, and frogs splashed for cover. A waterlogged man emerged to the surface. He struggled coated in mud choking from the flop. He spit water searching for breath. A dark shadow of a skiff on patrol burst into flooding light on his location. Edward was blinded by lights, while nearby voices called out spreading the alarm, waking dogs that began to bark hungry for the hunt.

    ¡°It¡¯s mighty fine to be back home,¡± said Edward, feeling his head that had at some point lost the crown.

    He struggled through the mud of the swamp readying his rusted meat hook.

 54: King Freak

    The receding flood had left a trail of muddy destruction throughout the swamp. The ruts of erosion exposed thick roots running between the trees mixed with fireflies lighting dark corners of the thicket. The humid air filled with mosquitoes swarming above filthy waters bubbling with activity below the surface.

    The heavy mist was scented with dirty smoke pouring from a camp sitting on a hill. Above everything else five wooden cabins. The front porches faced a clear cut parcel of hunting ground. Inside the bunk beds were filled with snoring bodies watched over by their trophies of previous hunts that lined the walls, windows, and mantle.

    The log cabin exteriors are decorated with game tags, hooves, and a professional painting of hunters sticking it to a fallen mammoth. All of a sudden a man barged inside shaking a cowbell amid a frenzy of ear ringing decimals.

    ¡°I¡¯ve spotted the King of humans,¡± screeched the man sounding the alarm in his red union suit.

    ¡°Yeehaw it''s payday boys,¡± hollered another, jumping from the top of a three story bunk in his underwear.

    The alarm bell continued ringing outback outside to announce himself in the next hut in the same manner. Here the air was thick with funny smelling smoke. The men had been playing a game with a knife, and their fingers.

    ¡°Aww shucks It''s king killing time,¡± screamed a guy over the alarm, before it returned to piercing eardrums.

    The noisemaker was chased out the exit by others pushing, shoving, and beating him with glass bottles.

    ¡°I wanna ride shotgun, just as soon as I find my glasses,¡± declared a hunter, frantically fumbling through clothes in an opened trunk.

    ¡°Ah yeah i¡¯m an action star,¡± said a nearby burly huntsman dressed in tanned skin flexing.

    He strained muscles showing off a tattoo resembling a mechanics name patch reading: ¡°Hi my name is Feral¡±. He removed his big knife from thick cracks on a dinner plate while he licked his greasy finger clean of leftovers. Later he slicked back his receding hairline with a comb before trading it in his pocket with a wanted poster. There was a 1 million crystal reward for Edward.

    ¡°My trophy in the mansion underneath my queen size bed hahaha,¡± Feral cackled at the thought.

    They were interrupted as outside the lifted pickup trucks roared to life one after the other like a pack of animals. The air was thick with pollution due the shooting of soot from a dozen smoke stacks while a loudness war erupted between aux cables to sound-systems.

    Every single Killin Hood company vehicle housed grill bar lights, roof mounted rotatable search lights, and dash mounted blinders. The crystal lights cut through the thick armor of mud layered thick. The cabs were filled with loaded weapons. More men climbed into the bed or held onto the floorboards. The last straggler burst from an outhouse with his pants down panicking to not be left behind stirring laughter.

    ¡°Giva sum,¡± screamed Feral, twitching for action behind the wheel.

    He finished packing a fat lip of crystal powder and passed the container.

    ¡°I¡¯m edging to slaughter time, cruelty gets me high,¡± giggled the hyena-like man, rubbing his hands together in glee all over the leather steering wheel.

    The lifted truck roared in front of the rest of the pack rumbling downhill. Feral had the largest vehicle out of everyone. It was covered in traps, trophies, and custom welding that included sharp spikes. He dominated the roads, and thus other men driving it. It was the perfect tool for a modern highwayman to ram, and rob the nobles with. Many a Prince or Princess was terrorized by his bumper grinding against their carriage. Feral often looked down on his victims from a lifted cab when the chase was finished. He was addicted to the violent motor move and the ritual of slowly mounting the stalled vehicle with his monster tires. The victim¡¯s final moments before being crushed spent screaming at his massive truck nuts dangling in their faces.

    ¡°I think it¡¯s time to alert the boss man we got the main man he''s after,¡± said the alarm, gripping the royal band receiver.

    ¡°Where did you see him anyway?¡± demanded Feral.

    ¡°Base camp we got a King Edward sighting in zone number five of Killin Wood. I saw him with my own eyes splashing through the swamp below our cabins before zipping off quickly with some kind of contraption, over and out,¡± he finished.

    There was an uncomfortable awkward silence in the cab. The rumble of the off road terrain underneath and snapping branches pushed aside.

    ¡°Good intel, but don¡¯t kill Edward under any circumstances, I¡¯ll be there in 15 minutes to help ensure he is captured alive,¡± announced the calm crackling voice of Killin Hood.

    ¡°And what should we do in the meantime to play with our dinks?¡± yelled Farel, downshifting to and switching to four wheel drive in order to climb.

    ¡°Hold on dude I have to push the talk button before he can hear,¡± said Alarm. ¡°Go again,¡±.

    ¡°And what do we do for now boss, play with ourselves?¡± asked Farel, shifting up a gear, and voice pitch.The tale has been illicitly lifted; should you spot it on Amazon, report the violation.

    ¡°Drive him into a bear trap, net him, use any wrestling moves to pin him or imagine something according to the situation,, over and out,¡± said Killin Hood.

    ¡°Ten-Four, over and out, roger that boss,¡± said Alarm.

    The convoy splashed through swamp waters leaking across the gravel. They pack slowed to bump over logs shoved into a washout, then they rumbled over a makeshift bridge composed of the same materials. Finally they stopped at a gate meant to keep competing hunters out. Nearby a dock filled with skiffs, airboats, and pontoons sat.

    ¡°Yeehaw gang it¡¯s time to kill something,¡± yelled a mass of voices dashing to the dock.

    ¡°Let¡¯s profit off this handsomely without losing anybody,¡± said Feral, unlocking the gate to the docks.

    A boardwalk led down a rickety ramp to floats leading deeping out. They bounced quickly to the tied outboards that soon roared to life just like the trucks before. Loud boogie riffs of ear splitting masculine rock n roll accompanied the well oiled machines blasting out into the swamp waters.

    Killin Wood had many different zones over its massive area. They had a lot of ground to cover to find the trophy. Nearby lilies began to move, bubbles intensified, and an alligator got out of the way of trouble. A rusted hook moved through the water like the fin of a shark towards where the remaining boats were tied. King Edward breathed through a reed hidden underneath.

    ¡°VROOM,¡±.

    Feral shot out of the gate first with his toy blasting maximum volume. The convoy followed with the remaining boats racing beside them while a boat on the dock filled with panic, and liquid. It began sinking as an outboard took off with the crews bailing for life. A man fell screaming overboard, and was pulled under.

    ¡°What¡¯s happening?¡± yelled a hunter aiming a shotgun.

    ¡°Quick boys get over here,¡± another finished crouching on the edge of the dock with a hand extended.

    Three hunters swam towards safety as fast as they could struggle. A flying hook shot from the water like a fly fishing line, and impaled the man on the dock before dragging him into the waters. The survivors changed directions as the waters grew in color.

    A speeding boat''s crew was so focused on bailing out their pontoon they missed the incoming rocky shore splintering them into pieces. Those onboard were minced by the outboards. In the background the men overboard frantically swam for shore as their bow of a small skiff slowly sucked into the depths. The hook was free again, and racing toward the slowest straggler. A gray bearded old man in a yellow captain''s hat was doggy paddling. He was yanked under, leaving his cap floating. The trucks stopped with the boats. Feral was looking on in his binoculars.

    ¡°REEEEEEEEEEE he''s gone under don¡¯t let him escape,¡± he screamed in rage.

    The outburst was cut off while the rest of Killin Company started blindly shooting the swamp. The liquid absorbed the shooting gallery splashing from hundreds of impacts. On a nearby beach of an island a line shot into the trees, and a shadow flung itself into the dark treeline.

    ¡°We drive that point right now,¡± screamed Feral, slamming the door, and revving his engine with frustration.

    Like an unruly mob the rest of the men slowly stopped shooting one by one, and joined him aboard. Feral was already in four wheel drive, slamming over a barrier of rocks onto mud flats. The tire chains slinging a stream of soil on the driver behind them.

    ¡°Stay focused boys, let¡¯s torture that sissy for embarrassing us,¡± he screamed into the receiver.

    The others had stopped speaking to keep laser focused on scanning the surroundings for clues. They stopped beside a large trunk of driftwood outside the island. A group of boats patrolled towards them. The captain of a pontoon waved a greeting, and cupped an ear for information. On the stern a man mounted a swiveling harpoon gun.

    ¡°Go around back and kill him if tries to swim, we are going to drive this point like he''s a deer,¡± commanded Feral, climbing outside, and slamming the door.

    ¡°Yes sir,¡± said a captain over the radio, as the boats sped away.

    Feral shot into the treeline, reloaded his baby a semi auto with no royal serial numbers, and filled his lip with fresh cracked crystals. He jogged forward leading the charge like the tip of a spear. He imagined himself as the sheepdog culling the big bad wolf.

    ¡°Stay and cover Earl, and your boys,¡± called Feral

    A sawn-off loudly slammed shut filled with fresh buckshot. The hunters charged up the beachhead and into the forest screaming. Feral charged ahead of them, ignoring the thorns tearing into his chest, and coloring the hair red. His eyes became the same color as they scanned for the prize. Somebody behind held a searching light that darted through the trees clearing out shadows. A man jumped as cold hands grabbed him behind. Alarm gulped face to face with a shotgun.

    ¡°Watch your step,¡± he said, pointing to a tripwire between the trees.

    The other man nodded, and turned attention forward again. They charged further into the darkness. It was eerily silent except the occasional twig breaking underfoot. The last straggler of the group gurgled, and sputtered, unable to find air with a hook sticking out the other side of his cheek. He was hauled upwards like a lobster trap. Above them Edward crouched hidden in the limbs of a spruce tree.

    ¡°Shhhh,¡± he whispered, covering the dead man''s last gasps for life as he removed his red hook.

    The carcass lay across two branches to rest Edward jumped to the next tree, and then another, before hooking and zipping to the third.

    ¡°What was that?¡± asked Alarm, looking around as fear overtook his body.

    Nearby Feral''s adrenaline surged into overdrive as he burst onto a rocky beach where the boats were waiting for them. The crews aboard waved a greeting, while a captain shrugged.

    ¡°Ain¡¯t seen nothing,¡± said the captain through a megaphone.

    Feral screamed in frustration, and turned towards the hunt. He ran deeper, and deeper into the dark, but couldn¡¯t make out anyone. He struggled to work through a thick of little furs clumped into a wall of green. He saw the light of his fellow men on the other side. Finally emerging he spotted Alarm hung from a tree by his bootstraps, while his light lit up his corpse from below. Blood dripped from the body hung like a pig waiting for further butchering.

    ¡°Shit,¡± gulped Feral.

    Interrupted by nearby screams, and gunshots he madly sprinting forward widely waving his weapon in the dark. Branches, and mushrooms snapped like necks under his feet. He jumped over a fallen spruce that had begun to rot, and almost slipped. Then he barely cleared a stagnant stream.

    In a clearing the surviving five stood back to back searching for the predator. Their weapons drawn ready as the tension slowly built toward the final showdown. A loud whining noise of rapidly extending wires made them all jump in panic.

    A gunshot started a hail of bullets until a man flew towards them at high speed hauled by a hook that was blasting full of lead. The body impacted the group striking them all like bowling pins. They scattered limply through clearing. A hunter panicked in fear with the dead body of Feral smiling on top of him.

 55: Spirit Crusher

    The hound dogs cried in glee to be hunting on a night of full moons. Their scent filled nostrils had won many prizes for Killin Hood on previous manhunts. He patrolled behind their weaponized paws blending into the foliage in traditional green camouflage. His hawkish eyes hid under crystalized aviators. Killin Hood began climbing swiftly up a hillside sending down showers of sand with his baby seal-skin boots.

    The scoped crossbow scanned a woodland background. He was satisfied with the night vision picture. Killin Hood slid down the tree with his weapon loaded on his back. An arrow remained equipped in the additional compound bow gripped by a man of maximum agility. His sealed diving shoes thumped onto the ground. He was traveling packed for a big game hunting with the explosives, zipline, and much more in storage from Killin Company.

    The breeze was strong enough to begin moving the dark cloud cover above. The majority of the moonlight hidden by thick cloud cover. The dogs nonstop barks echoed throughout the swamp, overexerting themselves chasing after the scent. Suddenly bright crystal scales flashed across the horizon and over extended snouts. Killin Hood taking aim was blinded momentarily from his scoped overlook. The shadow zipped towards a dark corner of the bog. The rain started to sprinkle from the storm beginning to brew overhead. The crossbow followed the target.

    ¡°Thwack,¡±.

    The spiked arrow shaved off a chunk of Edward¡¯s mangy beard. It splintered covering his body in debris. An ancient tree overgrown with beard lichen was harpooned behind him. Killin Hood clipped his belt to the newly minted zip-line. The crossbow planted into the soil like a fence post behind him. The line sagged under load as he zoomed down the hill over packs of his hound dogs with their tongues hanging out.

    The trip was quick, dropping the hunter back on solid ground where the target had just been. The nearby wetland vibrated with the ear piercing roars of the zombie grizzly joining the chase. The hunter loudly sniffed the air quiet again. It was dead silent as he moved forward crouching to follow tracks.

    The walls were closing in on Edward. He ran dazed and confused through the hazy hills, under the dark cloud that hangs over most violent people, while birds and crickets chirped alongside. A mad dash through thick fog, he struggled to traverse the spongy moss bleached center from where the treetops separated. The path curved onto least resistance in the nighttime. He sprinted through a field of ferns with the hook raised.

    A line shot outward from Edward after the hook launched. He hit a lever and wires spun on the contraption where his hand had once been. The smoke poured from the gearbox reeling the fugitive away from danger after his hook. He flew through the air, flapping like an overweight turkey to where the line had become anchored.

    ¡°Smack,¡±.

    A hard collision into wood switched Edward''s vision to lights out.

    ¡°Ugh,¡± he groaned, awaking with drool dripping into his breaches sometime later.

    A symphony of oldtime music broadcast through the boards. His head had rested while his body was upside down. Edward banged against metal throbbing with pain bleeding on a sign labeled ¡°keep out private property¡±.

    Later after being left hanging between two windows from a tree house for some time. Edwards'' feet dangled a long fall by hook lodged deep in the metal sign above. He strained trying to free himself, but it would not budge even after repeated attempts. The calls of the dogs grew in intensity down in the valley. He was in danger of being soon permanently treed.

    ¡°Bang!¡±

    Edward shot backwards, falling forward to tumble towards the ground. A chest full of rock salt while he ate dirt.

    ¡°That¡¯s right, stay off my land,¡± cried out ancient vocal chords.

    A disheveled hermit poked his head out the fresh hole blasted through the residence.

    ¡°Get off my lawn,¡± yelled an old man with a gray beard dressed in a hat and clothes designed of leather and leaves.

    The geezer poured salt from a king size beaker into a pipe rifle, and topped it off with a chunk of root vegetable.

    ¡°Bang,¡±.

    Edward jumped and jived dodging attacks. He mashed through layers of branches thinking he was on solid moss before being sucked five feet below ground. The old man continued to wave threateningly above. A rustle in the underbrush as twigs snapped in protest nearby. The hermit aimed for another shot, and this time it was toward the eyes with intent to blind. A cold claw sliced into his shoulder from behind like butter.

    A scream cut through the night stopping the hounds in their tracks. The heat of the creature¡¯s savage roars cleared every tree in a thousand miles of birds, and scared possums into permanent vacation. The zombie grizzly clawed apart the tree house while bloodied timber splintered to the ground. A bolt of lightning flashed across the sky bringing thunder to match the bear''s guttural growling low rumbling tone while rain started downpouring. Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon.

    Edward returned alive in his makeshift grave. His creaking bones protesting every inch of the escape. A burst of adrenaline cleared aching limbs acting threatening to fall asleep. He sped off as the bear spotted him and spit chunks of saliva on him running away one hundred feet

    Killin Hood sprinted into the clearing following his grizzly cutting through the forest on the hunt. His legs bounced from tree to tree sprinting through the forest like a spirit. He flung up the last tree near a cliff and onto rocks and started a free climb; he dodged a boulder dislodged by his zombie creation attacking above. The master smiled under face mask as he pulled himself up from dangling off a cliff.

    The trees crashed and fell apart from the rampaging beast in pursuit. Edward zipped away from claws that barely missed. He flung upwards near the apex of the jump and jerked his wrist freeing the much dulled attachment hooked below. The darkness of a cavernous entrance swallowed the next shot of the hook. As quickly as it had reeled in from the previous jump it hauled Edward inside the hole. The paw of the grizzly with crystal sharpened claws cut through a section of rock knocking down double the initial load inside the dark.

    Lightning struck the highest rocks above. Time was ticking for the window to close on this perfect storm. The hunter crept after his prey into the cave network. It was a lower entrance he squeezed through. His body squeaked after applying a fresh layer of grease. His mask was off with his hood. The cave shook him loose, knocking a fresh toothpick away from being chewed. A miniature roar was cut short as an escaping bear lunged. Killin Hood¡¯s arrow shot straight through the heart of the attacker.

    ¡°Not my bear,¡± mumbled the hunter, stepping over his kill.

    The dead meat had already been attracting flies in the humid pituitary dish of a place. Dirty water dripped from the ceiling repelled from his slicked back hair. Moths and mushrooms littered whatever wasn¡¯t a small pool underground. Lightning flashed through cracks forming behind his back. The giant bear attacked, shaking everything down to the bedrock.

    The final obstacle stopping the creature''s entrance had fallen away. It roared inside as Edward aimed. The creature charged forward, raising claws. He shot out the hook, pulverizing a stalagmite and shuffled to dodge incoming claws. It somehow ended on a trip line via a formation of rocks that tripped up the bear.

    The roof collapsed as the line cut through the charge of rotting fur and flesh. Edward was hauled forward into the claws banded by the line winding round them both. He bounced onto the hair of the beast that gagged a veteran''s nose closed. It stunk worse than 100 wet skunks. Underneath the folds of decomposing animal fat Edward was slowly constricted and suffocated alive. Edward was losing consciousness as the air was crushed from his lungs. His skin was going to be next as the hook, line, and sinker crushed. Edward was losing consciousness as the air was crushed from his lungs. His skin was going to be next.

    Killin Hood entered the scene loading an explosive arrow. It seemed he had arrived at the perfect time on a perch overlooking the action. He aimed as the wires groaned to a stop at the bone of the beast.

    ¡°Boom,¡±.

    The target was engulfed in an explosion before the cave burst into fireworks. It was getting hot inside the prison composed of flesh burning outside Edward. The creature roared for the last time in flames. The hood worn by Killin was also flame resistant. He pulled away from behind a wall of glowing rocks formerly providing refuge.

    The lightning storm outside lit up a blackened cavern smoldering as the flames ran out of oxygen. The bear continued to burn, cooking the man isolated inside. A stream from a Killin Company fire extinguisher soaped the creature¡¯s carcass in foam. The flames had left Edwards'' balding body unconscious between exposed bear ribs.

    ¡°Whew I got scared my bear was gonna desecrate the royal parts I¡¯m looking for,¡± Killin Hood cried with excitement. ¡°Now we must go fast,¡±. He rustled through his stuff opening a terp-talkie from his bag. "Drop a line on this hill, over" he finished.

    "Yes sir," said the response.

    Killin Hood threw away the bow and put the body on his back darting out of the cave. Gone as quickly as the lightning flashed. He clipped onto a line dropped from a waiting blimp that flew towards base.

    The witch slept away back at Killin estate while a line descended from the sky above. The rooms underneath the bowls of the building had a secret entrance. It was opened by pulling a book revealing a typewriter to input the name of the owner''s first ever hound. Then the passage opened to a tunnel lined by torchlight.

    Killin Hood and his prize limped past the dungeons. It took awhile to reach the opposite side of the elevator traveling to the mines, and witchcraft quarters.

    The door knocked furiously, finally waking the witch from the recliner in her lab. The thick oak door slid open on well oiled hinges. Killin Hood strode into the room. He threw Edwards with a flop onto an operating table.

    ¡°Hehehe, you''ve got him now and the lightning still sparks for us to harness,¡± the Witch clapped.

    ¡°Let¡¯s begin the transplant procedure as soon as physically possible,¡± said Killin Hood, taking out tubes.

    ¡°I¡¯m more concerned magically,¡± said the Witch.

    Edward''s skin was punctured over and over until all the tubes were attached. Because the skin on most of his body was too damaged, his neck, head and normal arm looked like a porcupine. The blood began to be sucked away to a machine connected to another operating table covered with sheets. A hole in the roof with an antenna of metal headed far above. Rain fell through soaking wires connected to sparking electricity crystals, as Edward was strapped down for good.

    ¡°Hahaha,¡± Killin Hood cackled, throwing on a thick lab coat. ¡°The operation will now commence with hast,".

    The witch wheeled in a cart of medical equipment. Edward screamed awake. He was stirred by the sound of a recuperating saw spinning up. No matter how hard he thrashed under the covers the straps remained locked. The witch held a mirror to his face reflecting broken teeth mid call for help. The king looking at him on the other side had begun to scale from head to toe. The hook had been taken from him again, and the arm underneath it was almost rock solid crystal.

    "You haven''t taken horrible care of yourself," laughed the Witch.

    "You haven''t taken horrible care of yourself," laughed the Witch, cracking her bony fingers one after another in that part of the ritual she stretched them out.

    "Now don''t make a fuss, we are going to take your heart among other stuff," she cackled, reaching towards Edward''s chest.

 56: Cherry Pie

    "Brrr," Jed trembled to himself underneath the noisy wind.

    He and Mule drove exposed and strapped to the front of the tanker. Mule drove the damaged big rig truck without a cab at high speed. A few bits of the vehicle had been ripped off by a charging mutant moose previously on the attack. Despite the damages the vehicle continued smoking forward for now hauling the precious cargo that would make them wealthy upon delivery.

    Two full moons hung overhead filling the desert with light. The truck descended into a canyon lined with orange iron rich rocks. The tires kicked clouds off the dusty roads barreling past cactuses, and shrubs. A wolf stood somewhere on the overhead cliffs, howling echoed throughout the night.

    "You reckon we ought to stop for a while?" yelled Jed.

    Mule shivered from the wind getting into his special donkey costume. He was using his mouth to steer and thus couldn¡¯t respond. He never took his eyes off the road because he was paranoid. The vehicle slowed to a crawl so the driver could speak.

    "I''m hoping to get to higher ground before taking any naps unless you are frostbitten," said Mule.

    "That''s a good plan. We get out of this gravel pit, let''s build a fire with you getting the first round of shut eye, or would you rather me taking over the driving? Asked Jed.

    ¡°I''ll take my chances closing my eyes while you drive to keep time as long as you don¡¯t freeze. I''m a high risk animal,¡± barked Mule.

    ¡°I¡¯ve already told you tortoise over hare," reminded Jed, scratching flakes from his wind wrecked hair. ¡°Everything has its physical limits before things break down to a complete stoppage even you Mule that¡¯s the laws of nature,¡±

    ¡°True, but still better to have a soul than to be synthetic. Well let''s adjust to the situation as we go and remember the two of us are tough animals,¡± said Mule.

    The big rig began to accelerate again until a sharp corner revealed ahead, slowing travel. A bumpy road was becoming increasingly narrow to traverse. They rumbled intensely, scraping paint past barbs with little toothpick wood stakes strung with wire flossing. The far drop into the dark below looked particularly deadly should anything slip.

    A large shadow swooped over blocking out the lights momentarily. Jed immediately spotted the culprit as a vulture flying through the sky. It nested on a platform of bones in a haggard tree over top eggs as big as tires. The wind howled and rattled the truck with a large gust threatening to blow it over.

    The road somehow managed to get bumper straining the metal to continue. An incoming reflective construction sign flashed in the center of the road, ignored until it was too late. The sign was crunched up compacting underneath them. The truck continued to thrash, and smack them across a rubble filled road. Another obstacle in the way caused Mule to slam on the brakes skidding forward. They skidded to a stop with the sign crammed directly into their faces. A metal painted plate dangerously close reading: ¡°construction in progress: BRIDGE OUT!¡±.

    ¡°Another close call,¡± sighed Jed, dusting off his armor.

    ¡°Yeah, I guess we might as well take a break here, but first let''s get out and scout out where the bridge is gone,¡± added Mule.

    ¡°I know the government lies about everything but unfortunately I suspect this might be the only time they tell the truth about a situation,¡± theorized Jed.

    "Well there''s always a chance to find out something interesting," finished Mule, unfastening his seat belt.

    They equipped their weapons. The man with a sword, and rifle while the donkey had a shotgun strapped to the saddle.

    "Let''s rock N roll," said Jed, after his metal boots hit gravel.

    Mule continued forward leading the way into the night holding a lantern in his mouth. They climbed a slight hill lined with wilted desert flowers. The rough incline of gravel was slippery underfoot. Travel was tough under full lights. It took the pair a long hard effort to reach the top where the winds became intense rage blowing into the canyon sea level. Without warning a tumbleweed shot forward rolling. Mule easily cleared the object with his hoofs while Jed tripped on the jump falling on his face.

    ¡°There must have been civilization here at some point,¡± advised Mule, pointing a hoof to a toppled fence half collapsed off the cliff. ¡°It hasn¡¯t been maintained in a long long while though,¡±.

    Jed grumbled in agreement, spitting dirt.

    They advanced again soon coming to a fork in the road split with a tall palm tree. The first path they almost missed. A steep goat trail leading straight to the top of the canyon. The second option the road stayed truck accessible, and looked relatively even. That way vanished out of sight winding around a nearby bend lined with placed plastic cones. They continued around the corner as the sounds of roaring waters grew louder. Both had stayed focused on the way they hoped to drive the big rig later.

    A waterfall presented in the distance as a little trickle off the cliff. The road was paved past the falls and angled towards the shadow of a bridge never completed. It was out to reach the small pond waters still being sucked dry from the basin. A drought area where a large lake once flowed was replaced with a small dinosaur skeleton, and a rowboat beached on the cracked mud tiles.

    ¡°Well well ha that good. I would say we can drive right over the riverbed instead of resorting to entertaining crazy ideas like jumping over the bridge on ramps,¡± laughed Jed, slapping his leg.

    ¡°I would have entertained it if I thought I could make it. Now come on buddy let¡¯s get back to the truck,¡± Mule bellowed, while excitedly retreating backwards retracing their steps to the vehicle

    ¡°Wait for me,¡± said Jed jogging after.

    The rocks scattered above the cliffs locked away some of the light. A familiar palm tree held a skeleton bird perched by the goat trail. They had missed the eagle watching them dead eyed from the rear. The undead creature squawked as it leapt at them. Jed unsheathed his sword, and swung on reflex to cut off the creature''s head. He scanned for further threats. A watching mole made eye contact before sticking its head underground.

    The vehicle a deserted shadow below while they descended the hill. They reached the front, and Jed exposed the grill by toppling the sign. Mule had already jumped aboard.Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon.

    ¡°Alright let''s get this show on the road,¡± said Mule, revving to get a head start on the hill.

    The truck groaned under pressure steaming ahead. It was half way climbed now, but getting slower. Mule briefly glared at a distant object lost in thought, before he shifted into first gear easily gunning to the top. A whole lotta flames, and smoke blew from the 8 smoke stacks attached.

    ¡°I don¡¯t wanna curse us before the suns rises, but our day already has a lot of light in it," said Jed.

    The tires interrupted, splattering something underneath. He stuck his neck out to look in the rear. The zombie bird carcass separated earlier had been flattened preventing further movement. They flew by deserted objects under tarps. Jed turned to see they had entered an abandoned construction site. A post had been hammered into the ground, but was absent of any signs. The tumbleweeds blew particularly hot and heavily. The truck bumped further off road driving besides a bridge that led to nothing. The area was lined with piles of building material, and dirt. A section of high stacked wood was so dried it only needed to be blown a short distance to create driftwood without water. A tumbleweed pelted Jed in the helmet disintegrating on contact. Mule shook his head, and Jed chuckled.

    The big rig rumbled down a ramp formerly a boat launch, and sped across the dried bed. It was a remarkably smooth road. This was further reinforced when they went bumping over the bank and peeling onto the gravel.

    ¡°Maybe it really is our lucky day for once,¡± laughed Mule.

    They had reached the other side, and drove by the other side of a bridge not linked in the center. The truck slammed to a hissing stop. Jed was looking all around for threats. Mule unstrapped a small container from the glove box, and unrolled some maps from within.

    "Hold the binoculars for me. Can you see the lights ahead, if it''s civilization?" said Mule.

    Jed looked to where he was guided. In the distance it. The village lights twinkled underneath the stars. This area was becoming more mountainous, but the town was at a higher altitude. He shoved the device in Mule¡¯s face.

    ¡°It¡¯s civilization of some sort alright. Wanna take a gander for yourself?¡± he asked.

    ¡°No. I believe you, I''m tired. I can only look at the maps while we aren¡¯t moving because they will blow away,¡± he said before yawning. ¡°There might not be any bathing with the water shortage, but perhaps sleeping on a proper mattress would be enough to recharge us to full strength,¡± said Mule.

    ¡°I¡¯m sorry,¡± said Jed, depositing the binoculars in the glove box. ¡°Let¡¯s check it out. I just hope it ain¡¯t no ghost town going to haunt us. No, I insist you get a break from driving,¡±.

    ¡°It¡¯s all good man, let''s just stay alive,¡± said Mule, shaking his head. .

    The truck revved loudly whacking away small bushes cluttering the road somewhat alive. The truck roared past a sign post that read: ¡°Ahead the town of Melodd: food, lodging, on good occasions water¡±.

    After finally switching drivers hours later they continued along a mountain pass of eroded cobblestone. A boulder had long ago rolled from somewhere stopping in the center. The truck scraped against the rocks on either side as its largest part made it past the gap. A winding road along each side now rusted metal railing to a drop, on the other few leafless trees grew with roots exposed. The potholes banged the tires heavily, slowing travel. The scenery kept repeating itself. A few trees here, or rocks there that looked identical. Mule had enough real life nightmares with how injured the truck had become to sleep. He kept watchful eyes on the journey for mechanical difficulties until the morning suns began to show. At some point the path had become smoother, and better maintained with pavement that looked relatively kept.

    The donkey slept with the seat back laying down in the wind. The truck drove over a dried stream via a tiny bridge of stone. All around them a graveyard of dry abandoned small farming plots surrounded the road. A rusted tractor sat outside a collapsed barn, while trash mixed with the tumbleweeds. Jed had the truck in high gear thudding over a railroad crossing. He had spotted another building standing in the distance. They soon slowed beside a rickety paint peeled farm house. The driver was blocked from peeping in the broken windows by boards. A covered porch wrapped the perimeter full of junk, and hung with wind chimes dotted through the thick cobwebs that played out of tune. The vehicle was back in motion without the donkey being awakened.

    Jed drove past an extremely rusted line up. A lot of trailers were abandoned near a junkyard. A heaping pile of metal smashed together into perfect squares, stacked into a castle of sorts. Various rusted cranes, a bulldozer, and other heavy equipment littered the premise. A long chain link fence was stapled to various objects running along the road.

    ¡±Maybe we might be able to procure ourselves some auto parts if nobody is home,¡± said Jed thinking aloud .

    ¡°Zzz,¡± replied Mule.

    The truck continued slowly past with the driver gawking from a cabin-less big rig. Jed shifted into neutral to slow roll, and got out his binoculars for further inspection. It was then that he noticed the junkyard dogs chained to the trailers. At some point they had stuck out their heads with ears on alert.

    ¡°Woof, woof, Woof,¡± they barked.

    Mule was wide awake, and on alert looking scared.

    ¡°Drive,¡± he yelled.

    Jed put the truck into gear and had the dirt flying behind them taking off. They rounded a corner too fast, knocking off a mailbox. The road ran besides a very oxidized grain silo looming above. A carved wood sign marked the town limits they had just entered. The next sign was a yellow yield, while a red was ahead. The main road was blocked by crushed metal blocks transported from the junkyard. They were diverted besides a large stump, outhouse, and separate toll booth the same size. ¡°All traffic check in before entering town¡± it said. The way forward was blocked by two rotating metal beams chained together.

    ¡°Well let¡¯s pretend we didn¡¯t see that petty crime I just committed, or perhaps I should find somebody to pay in town,¡± said Jed, shifting into the dirt parking lot.

    Mule nodded. "Yeah but I''d say we should be on our best behavior going forward,".

    "I know we have almost fought, and dragged ourselves over this finish line. Time to play every card right and relax for a long while after," said Jed.

    "Now you''re talking, and by the way I''ll drive us into town," said Mule.

    The vehicle pulled into the station. The smell of fresh baked goods wafted from somewhere. They drooled walking to the window. The toll booth had no width to it but ran lengthwise into the trees. In front a tiny covered porch big enough for a single person to approach. Nobody could be seen through the window, but a light was on. Jed gripped the wooden lip where a bell sat on top of an empty clipboard. Bars blocked the window with a mail slot for doing business. The door beside the window rattled from the outside.

    ¡°Doors locked,¡± said Mule, going back to the front of the establishment.

    ¡°Ring, Ring, Ring,¡± replied Jed, pressing the bell.

    His eyes scanned inside the structure waiting for an answer. In one corner there was a miniature round table set with two chairs. The steaming red hot pie on a place mat glistening with lard on the patchwork crust letting the cherry glaze show from within. The smell of sweet cherry swung forward like a chariot temping break ins.

    On the other side of the room was lined with shelves for books, maps, brochures, old calendars and what looked to be legal forms. An empty basket was labeled with tourist pins of travel decorations and a cup of coffee steaming.

    ¡°I¡¯d imagine they don¡¯t get much traffic going into these parts, but somebody''s home for certain,¡± said Mule.

    ¡°Ring, Ring, Ring, Ring,¡± replied the bell trying again for service.

    ¡°Excuse me man,¡± interrupted Mule, barging through.

    Jed was pushed aside from where he was pressing the button. Mule took his spot resting his front hoofs on the counter in an effort to see into the building. The animal deeply sniffed the air and his eyes closed in nirvana. All was silent in the immediate except for crickets and the loud rumble of a stomach grumbling.

    "That smells so good man the things I would do for some pie," sighed Mule, extending his snout through a hole in the guarding window bars.

    ¡°I''m going to use that outhouse, please don''t be a child while I''m gone bud remember we got serious business to finish to get paid and can¡¯t be getting in trouble over misdemeanors,¡± scolded Jed.

    ¡°You''re always so serious,¡± said the talking animal, walking away on all four legs while its tail playfully cracked at bugs.

 57: Fancy Feast

    It was a humid dawn where only the first sun showed on the horizon. The breeze blew into the deep forest where the only sound was the buzz of bugs sucking blood. Jed grunted picking at what felt to be a tick stuck to him.

    ¡°Cover me,¡± he said, picking the glove box for supplies.

    ¡°Don¡¯t say another word,¡± replied Mule, focusing on the flickering light inside the very long tollbooth.

    Orange flames emitted off a lighter burning the hairs off a very redneck. The air stunk as the parasite sizzled and popped.

    ¡°Let¡¯s hope I don¡¯t mutate due to some disease,¡± said Jed.

    ¡°Don¡¯t be a worry wart soldier, you got the shots, pills, and medicine given to you before your mission,¡±said Mule, spitting a wad of cured Wormleaf.

    ¡°Nope the budget got cut and all we got was one multi shot in the rear.¡±

    ¡°Mmm.mmm.mmm. That cherry pie smells so good it¡¯s giving my nostrils an orgasm,¡± said Mule, whiffing a gulp of air.

    ¡°Ok,¡± said Jed.

    Mule trotted away to the tollhouse, and was leaning his front hooves on the gated window of the long structure.

    ¡°Hey why don¡¯t I just kick the door so we can eat this food that¡¯s been abandoned, knock knock anyone home respond already,¡± Called Mule, taping his hoofs against the establishment.

    ¡°Now don¡¯t get us thrown in jail behaving like an ass,¡± said Jed, yanking the donkey away by the tail. ¡°They probably went to bed and we won¡¯t get let through the gate until tomorrow let''s find another way around,¡±.

    The sound of a coin hitting a hole hypnotized them to a stand still. Inside the both past the steamy pie there was noise. Jed turned and gawked at curved claws more than four feet long, gradually revealing round the corner. It suddenly sliced a quick attack causing him to wince.

    When he looked back inside the building. The pie once baiting them had disappeared while the paint had been peeled off the jukebox with claw marks. It was a music player built like a tank that sparked to life lighting a backlight depicting a cactus. A needle hit the groove of a spinning record somewhere beneath the cover of a curtain of filth. Dreary stingers began to play with old moans of dying speakers full of soot.

    ¡°What an awful choice of avant-garde art,¡± complained Jed, stepping back. ¡°I like my baselines funky to accompany a dance in a honky tonk joint,¡±. He finished slapping a leg.

    ¡°Agreed man. Ahem yo cat what you are charging for the toll?¡± inquired Mule.

    The floor inside the building loudly squeaked like a chew toy underneath every step of the large advancing cat. The door next to them swung open, and the wind howled with it. Jed flung both of them past the metal gates blocking their big rig truck with no cab from further advancement.

    ¡°Let¡¯s hope it suddenly becomes friendly, '' whispered Jed.

    The cat hissed, showing golden fangs behind the bars of the ticket booth. It was dressed in a flashy sleeveless wool sweater vest. An intricate knitted fine armor with shark designs woven all over. The feline sprung like a spring toward them, it hissed , spraying a fishy smelling rain through the window.

    Mule jumped into the air while Jed¡¯s legs buckled on seeing the large cat clawing towards them. He ran away carrying the donkey. It held something threateningly in its paws. Jed hastily put on his armor with his rifle resting on the truck loaded. Mule kept watch of the tollbooth.

    The cat pounced outside into the shadows, slowing the attack to stalk them. Jed¡¯s heart was beating out of his chest as he slapped down his visor. He turned around in frantic circles waiting for the fatal moment. The wind bit at the environment filling his eardrums with static.

    ¡°Splash!¡±This novel''s true home is a different platform. Support the author by finding it there.

    ¡°Heehaw,¡± exclaimed Mule, hit by a surprise attack out of nowhere.

    A burst of liquid had hit his backside and suddenly he was a bull kicking and throwing around hooves wildly.

    ¡°Ooof,¡± Jed said, being thrown aside by friendly fire.

    ¡°Moew, meow show yourself you ancient rat,¡± sniffed the cat from the top of the tanker it had easily climbed. ¡°No matter what you shift too you will always be a slippery untrustworthy creature,¡± it purred.

    ¡°Bang!¡±

    The creature jumped away as Jed¡¯s bullet whizzed above the tank.

    ¡°Whatever riddle is speaking about are you alright Mule?¡±groaned Jed climbing to his feet.

    ¡°Not a riddle,¡± purred the cat playfully from the shadows. ¡°Look at your so-called friend human haha you have been fooled by a master of changing to whatever shape helps its goals at the moment,¡± smiled the cat, sparking a massive cigar that lit its whiskers in the ditch.

    Jed aimed and the cat stuck its head below ground. He turned to hear a sizzling sound at his side. Mule was having reactions to the mysterious liquid the cat had previously hit him with. He had started swelling, forming hives, and one leg had transformed into a goat hoof. Jed fell backwards in shock crawling away while who he thought had been his friend convulsed.

    ¡°What is happening?, what are you really Mule?¡± said Jed, pointing his rifle indecisively.

    Mule¡¯s body had disappeared into thin air. A large rat scuttled to safety underneath the big rig. The cat pounced underneath with one leap, and out the other side with another. Jed readied to shoot but his nerves had been stunned into inaction.

    ¡°Got yah,¡± the feline smiled.

    On the other side of the big rig it was playing with food between paws with claws retracted for now.

    ¡°Put him down at once or I blast,¡± said Jed, approaching with his weapon aimed.

    ¡°Meow let me ask him some questions, I assure you if you shoot at me human I will snap the life from him with my cat like reflexes and surely at least kill you too before bleeding out myself,¡± said the cat, flaring its nostrils. ¡°Two for the price of one isn¡¯t bad,¡±.

    ¡°Makes sense. Go on Mule, start talking the truth,¡± said Jed.

    The rat wiggled and tried to free itself from captivity unsuccessfully. The cat chomped onto its stogie, while smoking the hostage out of its nostrils. The vermin coughed a fit morphing into a golden haired howling monkey. Immediately after completing the transformation it started to resist.

    A smoke screen walled off Jed as the animal fight began. It sounded like a circus in open rebellion. Jed finally got the nerve to run forward. As the smoke cleared the cat held its claws to the monkey''s neck.

    ¡°Fine you got me,¡± sighed the talking monkey in a choke hold.

    ¡°What is your real name?¡± asked Jed, switching his aim back and forth between two targets.

    ¡°I don¡¯t have one,¡± replied the shape shifting creature.

    ¡°Nonsense if the lies do not stop then you will stop breathing and I will start feasting,¡± said the cat, pressing further with its claws.

    ¡°Why would something that can change into anything ever have a concrete identity,¡± whispered the monkey shifting slightly to a baboon.

    The cat blew out another cloud of smoke and the primate puffed away inside of it. In its place a hornet buzzed away from them flying into the tollbooth. The barrier began to rumble as the gate raised away. The cat bounded after until the door was slammed in its face. It bounced off hard with stars circling the flattened whiskers.

    ¡°Curiosity is about to kill the cat. Jed help me defeat this pussy and let''s hit the road again,¡± brayed Mule¡¯s familiar voice from within the nearby building. ¡°Just because I''m a shifter doesn¡¯t make me shifty at heart, hey don''t you want to get paid with me,¡± it begged.

    ¡°There¡¯s no fleshy organs inside one of you, just a void but the crust is still mighty tasty,¡± called the cat, licking its lips as it climbed underneath the structure.

    The truck suddenly pulled away stunning both creatures and leaving them in the dust.

    ¡±Where do you think you''re going, human coward?¡± the others called in a united front.

    ¡°Just run away after me Mule,¡± sighed Jed.

    To himself Jed had reached his breaking point. Sure it was never going to be an easy trip to gun it to payday, but he had hoped it was going to be anyway. All I ever wanted was to be able to retire to a needed life of normalcy but now the shapeshifter will probably turn into a dragon and burn me gulped Jed, swerving towards a crash due to fear.

    He corrected course at the last second before he started hitting the steering wheel in rage. Jed shifted into second gear. The smokestacks of the big rig launched smoke, and magma like miniature volcanoes.

    There had to be much easier ways to get paid as an outlaw. No matter what though going forward Jed figured he would always be working with shifty characters from here on out. So he better get used to it and welcome Mule back aboard. He could never work an honest official job again due to being hung on discovery. Maybe the real play after turning into a traitor was trying on fake identities, but until then he remained a criminal with limited options.

    The sky had become blanketed with overcast clouds that sort of looked purple. The birds were quiet, but the peepers never stopped. The cross stitched passenger bucket seat smoked from a small hole burnt by the first droplet of acid rain. What little of the road he could see ahead looked extremely rough.

 58: Acid Bath

    Killin Hood laughed maniacally in a stained lab coat while holding an electric bone-saw that began to spin. The old witch joined in the cackling while she raised a large crystal ball that functioned as a mirror. The patient screamed at himself strapped to the operating table.

    Edward faced his reflection for the first time ever since escaping from the planet''s hollowed core. He had been on an extended winter vacation in the land where crystals got their powers. On returning to the surface he had received an incineration. Killin Hood had burned him into a disfigured creature with a flaming arrow, but he was kept alive for Now.

    Edwards'' once handsome features worn underneath the crown only a few short months ago had long diminished. In its place his new face was burned, with wrinkles galore, and dark bags under reddening eyes. It almost looked like he had the beginning of an outbreak of some sort of infection. The saw reached into the reflection, and came down across the operating table. Edward screamed until he could no more, and his vision grew dim.

    The witch watched the operation in excitement. Killin Hood''s eyes remained laser focused and his attachment began to spark. Hot red pain seared into the patient''s cranium blinding him. A foot pressed against his arm as the surgeon adjusted the angle of his cut.

    ¡°Clang.¡±

    ¡°Good job, hehe you only sliced the baby a little bit,¡± her voice laughed and echoed in the dark.

    ¡°Open your eyes. All I have done is remove your hook attachment ha ha ah. The real pain has yet to start, give him a few shots or something,¡± said Killin Hood.

    Edwards'' eyesight gradually returned with a migraine. He heard clanging, and didn''t register the syringe until it had finished inserting into his flesh. The crystal ball shoved directly into his face further revealed a bald headed body that was too close for comfort. It was sprouting growths, lumps, bumps, and scabs of dying skin. Added to the mix was hard crystal deposits covering the entirety of what was previously his arm. It now formed a brute¡¯s battering ram that was tied down.

    ¡°Where¡¯s my mother? My memories haven¡¯t mutated. I remember that you kidnapped her,¡± cried Edward, unsuccessfully attempting to lash out at his captors.

    How very astute of you brat,¡± said Killin Hood, drawing closer while his finger pressed down the saw''s trigger, cutting off his calm voice with the sound of attacking motion.

    ¡°Yes, the note I wrote you got hehehe, and her body lies here in my laboratory,¡± the witch interrupted, using her crystal ball to amplify tired vocal cords.

    The candles in the swaying chandelier dimmed blowing side to side where hundreds of beakers filled with potions. The shadows scattered throughout the room that began to rumble threatening experimental combinations. The cobwebs covering the walls in a connected tapestry bounced.

    ¡°Sometimes we gotta deal with the crystal mines below,¡± said the witch Isebela.

    A large spider with a skull shape on its exoskeleton fled underneath industrial ice boxes big enough to store human bodies. She cleaned away the dust from her crystal ball with a tattered sleeve, then tapped its surface with a licked finger and the picture changed. A captured vision of the Queen being kicked outside the big rig cab to the curb. Mule, and Jed laughed through the window at her brains being devoured by the zombie grizzly bear.

    ¡°I¡¯ll kill everyone involved in this plot just you watch witch!¡± screamed Edward, unleashing a wave of spit that mostly stuck to himself.

    The ancient assistant set down the ball in order to roll back the sleeves on her tattered witches robes. ¡°My name''s Isabella for farc sakes,¡± she finished extending a hand with a coughing fit. She shook the captured stump that couldn''t resist.

    ¡°Aha funny. I¡¯ve got cameras hidden everywhere, and here''s the most nosy witch here to monitor them so there¡¯s no secrets that go unnoticed in my woods,¡± said Killin Hood.

    ¡°The crystal ball keeps me company now that my hips are bad and I¡¯m not so mobile anymore,¡± she croaked in jest.

    ¡°Give me the names of those truckers turned kidnappers before I murder you first,¡± demanded Edward.

    ¡°That¡¯s enough of that. I assure you they remain inconsequential, but nevertheless a loose thread that my men will soon crush if it pleases you,¡± said Killin Hood, raising a finger to the crystal ball.Royal Road is the home of this novel. Visit there to read the original and support the author.

    The picture switched view to a picture of the big rig parking at a tollbooth with the party of two getting out. He swiped across it again, and vision switched to a Killin hit squad wearing tactical uniforms, and ski masks on route. They ran through the bushes to ambush with their machine guns while the custom Killin Company gyro-copter flew overhead scouting for information.

    ¡°OK, that''s settled. Hey, wouldn''t you rather learn my master plan for domination of the nation?¡± asked the head of the operation. ¡°It¡¯s much more interesting than what¡¯s gonna be a shooting gallery trust me,¡±.

    ¡°I have a gut feeling you¡¯ve already gutted my mother, and plan the same for me,¡± responded Edward.

    ¡°Yes, soon you too will be experimented with. You can gag him now, Isabella I don¡¯t need anymore mouth," said Killin Hood, licking underneath the underside of his oversized mustache.

    Isabella attempted to place a cotton ball in the patient''s mouth. She ended up dodging a bite targeted at her finger.

    ¡°Very naughty boy,¡± she scolded, spraying him with funny smelling chemicals from underneath her dress.

    The room began distorting in shape and colors. A changing perception that stretched the constricting air with laughing gas, and frowning skulls that flew around before disappearing into a vortex. Out emptied leeches, and beatles from the void crawling all over his skimpy hospital gown. Edward fought hard against restraints that would not budge, while the claustrophobia increased. A special surgical mask with six layers snapped over his skull to muffle his cries for help while the spiders tickled the few sensitive spots left.

    Isabella''s crystal ball had returned to mirror mode. As she brought towards the struggling prisoner it reflected further mutation into a fusion reptilian with a beak, flippers, and feathers.

    ¡°This here is a magic mirror, and you will see our special plans inside,¡± she croaked.

    The picture had become a cartoon diagram of an operation procedure on his human form. It showed the blood being sucked dry, and stored. The next slide was an installation of the King¡¯s heart into another body followed by his stolen royal blood.

    ¡°Humanity is hardwired to be sick in the mind believing that bloodlines can only handle the throne with their genes. I can¡¯t change the minds of the average citizen that this dumb indoctrinated belief in special family nobility is without evidence. Regardless I will find every way to exploit this weakness for all it¡¯s worth for the ultimate gain of Killin Company Inc,¡± said Killin Hood.

    ¡°A key to the kingdom and maximum power is the royal family blood contained in your veins, but we are about to hack it for everyone to have access,¡± confirmed Isabella.

    In the background the sheets started rustling. The rain poured through an opening in the rocks where a tower tilted to the sky. Killin Hood threw back the covers revealing Elizabeth''s corpse. In death her face was blank while the caking of heavy makeup had begun to drip away like a melting candle. Her eyes were covered by the mask of a crystalized cyborg helmet.

    ¡°Nooo,¡± screamed Edward.

    ¡°Yes ha,¡± responded Killin Hood, clenching his fist towards the source of power flashing above them.

    He smiled with sadistic pleasure on feeling the pain of another that fed his essence the most. He began pacing back and forth across the cavern revving in anticipation. High in the sky, lightning sparked, and thunder clapped. The harnessed energy zapped through the metal tower before the current visibly traveled through disorganized piles of cables including the saw. The battery banks in the corner hummed with high voltage, and Killin Hood looked high too.

    ¡°This isn¡¯t simply snuff torture to get my rocks off it''s long term plans of domination finally happening after a decade of effort,¡± he finished, setting down the spinning saw onto Edwards chest.

    The device started smoking upon entering, and slowed to a crawl in between the scales. The victim screamed, convulsing. The cutter clanged to the floor with a blade snapped in half. A small trail of blood and puss leaked from the orifice. The failed surgeon fell back clutching his arms vibrating, and riddled with arthritic pain.

    ¡°You are one tough son of a bitch to butcher,¡± he remarked, throwing open the exit door with his boot. ¡°I''m going to my workshop to get a better blade,¡±.

    ¡°Now wait just a second, ¡° interrupted Isabela with a raised finger. ¡°Let me do it the old fashioned way I insist on traditional operating procedures, and that''s where we have faltered tonight,¡± she scolded

    ¡°After you my dear, after all this your laboratory after all,¡± said Killin Hood, slightly bowing.

    Isabella stretched out her fingers towards the injured chest. In her other hand she grabbed a needle. Then went over to the set of fridges, and opened them. Inside a heart was contained in a block of ice.

    ¡°That¡¯s exactly the condition we found the Queen¡¯s heart in when we cut it out. Swear honey It was frozen rock solid, but I bet yours is fucked up in a different way that¡¯s part of the fun haha,¡± cackled Isabella, removing something else from the icebox.

    She grabbed a knitted figure of her victim who groaned debilitated. She stuck it in the doll, and the blood started to flow. The witch struggled to free something inside her creation. She worked in another needle to the doll while Killin Hood pressed against the chest cavity to keep it from exploding.

    ¡°Pop!¡±

    A tiny red knitted pincushion flung outside the body to the floor. The King¡¯s heart followed beating rapidly. Killin Hood looked stunned from where it had slipped between his bloodied fingers. The witch scooped up the prize in a dustpan, then she sprinted to the icebox and set it inside.

    ¡°Well are we saving him for anything or should I pull the plug?¡± asked Isabella, monitoring the blood going into storage

    ¡°Let¡¯s give him your old beater synth heart, and use the spare fluid from the last three. He can live in my mines as payment for his organs while we take the throne,¡± said Killin Hood, coloring his mustache as he played with it.

 59: Pendulum

    The big rig had a single working light making it resemble a raging cyclops. It rammed the dirt road blowing fat dust clouds behind an 18 wheeler hauling ass. The cab had previously been torn off the carriage by a killer moose and elephant combination. The attacking creature had removed the crucial layer of protection from all the dangerous objects that forever surrounded Jed.

    In the road ahead tree branches draped down like long fingernails. At high speed they were broken, and swatted away by the remaining front grill of broken metal teeth filled with split arrows from battle. The driver found himself clad in handy advanced armor that took minor damage instead of him.

    The acid rain had begun burning holes in the exposed bucket seats. Jed tightly gripped the wheel that was starting to melt. A loud honking somehow managed to overpower the truck''s engine. Mule had previously been revealed to be a shape shifting being without a concrete identity. The cat waiting stealthily for a bite outside the tollbooth had outed him. The intruder inside had successfully lowered the gate letting Jed drive away.

    ¡°Whatcha want me so bad for, yah two whiskers bastard,¡± honked Mule, flapping his wings in the confined area.

    A shower of golden feathers flew into the air with the escaping foul mouthed bird. The guarding cat pounced at the door, and missed him by less than a wingspan. A plain looking egg fell splattering the cat that swatted it. The animal swiped frantically clawing at the walls, while blinded by a face full of moist yolk.

    ¡°Try and kill the golden goose and see what that gets you, and Jed where the fuck do you think your going,¡± called the fowl taking off above the trees.

    Down the road and around the bend the deep woods began to open to a brown grassland. The vehicle roared out while the white tail of a female deer escaped back into the underbrush. The road continued through a field that was full of sharp drops flanked by mounded hills covered in shrubs. The vegetation was mostly expired brown except a few green trees that remained growing together in a single area.

    In the sky high above rain burned away goose feathers, and scorched tail bones. Mule was getting cooked. He began a rapid descending swan dive towards the ground. It was the ominous shrieks of a scorned bird trailing him somewhere high in the dark stormy skyline. Jed groaned, checking the mirror for dangerous objects. He saw a golden goose in hot pursuit.

    ¡°Trying to run from me Jed and take the profits all for yourself huh?¡± squawked the bird.

    ¡°Shoot,¡± shouted Jed pounding the wheel in frustration. ¡°Well come on down here. Buddy?

    Jed glanced at his rifle sitting in the passenger seat, upon switching vision to the side mirror he saw the feathers rustling into a downward spiral. The vehicle groaned around the dirt corners, suddenly shifting its load and nearly tumbling off the road without guardrails.

    In the rear of the tanker something clicked onto the ladder on the end of the hauled container of jungle juice. The dice remained undisturbed in the cycle. The winding path slowed down the vehicle to a crawl. The morning was mostly hidden by the storm while tumbleweeds bounced in the winds. An inhuman scream cut into the air like a knife and the vehicle violently bumped. Jed nervously gulped white knuckling the wheel. He looked in both mirrors but didn¡¯t see any sign of his former friend.

    The man behind the driver''s seat began to detach into introspection while he drove. If he was making a grave mistake in his actions, then time was running low for a course correction. He remembered Fred in what felt like several lifetimes ago going mad with paranoia that he would be attacked again by dwarves. The resulting breakdown had caused him to run away from his only friend who risked it all to help. Fred had almost certainly doomed himself gravely injured while lost out of his mind in the jungle. Was Jed doing the same thing to Mule or was his friend really his foe? That was the ultimate question driving him deeper into this nightmare.

    The truck bounced, throwing Jed into the air until he was caught by the seat belt clipped. The rear-view wasn¡¯t attached, and the tank blocked the view. A pair of dice swung wildly from a hypnotic thread on this mirror that stabbed the passenger seat. .

    Far away a pocket watch oscillated on the same frequency over Edwards body. A dark mare snorted a stream of steam in the field ahead. It neighed an eerie bray while the area filled with mist. The dice, and watch remained on the same pendulum while the truck''s single headlight transformed into a surgical light aimed downwards.This book is hosted on another platform. Read the official version and support the author''s work.

    ¡°Watch my watch as I count 1.2.3.4.5,¡± said Killin Hood, dressed in a suit and tie.

    He sat on a simple wooden chair, and held a clipboard in his other hand. The rest of the room was set with a treatment table, blank whiteboard, and nothing else. The patient remained motionless and connected to tubes of life support running red someplace else.

    ¡°Good let the psychological evaluation commence,¡± said Killin Hood, his chair crying as it leaned on two legs. ¡°It¡¯s time for me to change your mind while you¡¯re both half alive, and half dead in hypnotized coma,¡± he set down the clipboard, and clicked open a gray pen.

    The watch flew past the equilibrium whistling through the air. It went back and forth in the quiet room while rain gently hit the armored roof. The single windowpane had been boarded with a thin sheet of pulp wood. Outside lightning sparked through the gaps while thunder remained absent. A hand gently petted Edward¡¯s deformed face while the doctor resumed the inspection.

    ¡°You appear to have already had a lobotomy, how cruel awe,¡± he said behind a big smile cut off by the watch continuing to swing.

    Meanwhile the dice continued tumbling above Jed who shifted accelerating onto a straight stretch. Out of nowhere camouflaged three wheeled ATVs had been waiting hidden in plain sight. They revved into the action swarming the truck like angry bees. Their little motors buzzed while chasing the tanker. The masked drivers swerved between the gravel road, and grass. The armored passengers aimed guns, or got ready to jump. A gyro-copter flew overhead on patrol watching the first man aboard hang on. Jed saw more three wheelers on the drivers side getting close.

    ¡°Bang.¡±

    The big rig''s mirror was blown to bits.

    ¡°So much for that,¡± said Jed, turning the wheel hard.

    The vehicles hit together as another highwayman jumped. Paint loudly scraped and sparks flew through the air.

    ¡°Get him¡± yelled a driver, revving away as the passenger departed.

    The road grew narrower and the side gave way to a canyon. A covered bridge revealed itself far ahead as gunfire erupted overhead. Jed grimaced, angling the wheel hard the other direction. Three ATVs were hit hard with one going sideways, and off a jump. The occupants screamed towards the long fall below where they had been launched. Meanwhile the rest of the pack was drawing closer to getting a good shot on the driver.

    Jed grabbed hold of his gun in one hand and jerked to attack more drivers with the vehicle. A road sign reading ¡°low clearance ahead¡± beheaded a rammed three wheeler that exploded. The dice continued swinging without hitting a snag seemingly hung from an invisible thread.

    The hypnotizing watch continued flying overhead at Killin manor. Edward¡¯s eyes remained blank voids of nothing while his chest breathed in slow beats of air supply.

    ¡°Your mind accepts its new organs, as we speak the last drops of your bloodline leaves for storage soon I will have it for forbidden purposes, but first a disgraced king will become a lab rat,¡± said Killin Hood.

    In the background Isabella cackled even harder, and almost keeled over. She watched a live stream of the procedure enhanced for ancient eyes through her crystal ball.

    ¡°Let¡¯s see, oh dear I''m supposed to be monitoring those loose ends,¡± she said, chopping off the thread of a freshly stitched witches cap.

    She set down the finished article on the sewing table, next to her broom. Isabella swiped on the crystal next to her radio. The vision switched to a live chase feed from the gyrocopter pursuing the big rig. The old woman picked up her C.B. talking receiver.

    ¡°Hehe, this is ¡°Granny green-apple¡± to the ¡°Fly in the sky¡±, It''s time to start dropping bombs.. over, and out," ordered Isabela.

    ¡°Roger copy that witch, over and out,¡± responded the gyro-copter captain, giving a thumbs up to himself.

    The veteran captain struggled to haul a wooden box from underneath the seat while still focused on flying. The cover popped open revealing a crate of grenades.

    The tanker below was barreling towards the bridge it wasn¡¯t rated to go under. The highwaymen inched closer to overtake, but coming up there weren''t any more roads to travel. A bullet hit Jed in the leg sprayed from a purser. He felt hot pain, but fortunately the armor had tanked most of the damage.

    ¡°Mule if you''re gonna help me buddy now would be the time for action,¡± said Jed, double checking his rifle.

    ¡°Bang,bang,bang.¡±

    The closest two goons in ski masks working up the jungle juice container were gunned off. A third on a speeding three wheeler was eliminated.

    ¡°BOOM!¡±

    An explosion blew directly into the dirt in front of the vehicle. Jed slammed forward being rocked around. He almost was knocked off a bump taking fire. The bucket seats around his resistant armor were filled with bullet holes, and the floating dice were engulfed in flames. He held a tight grip on the steering wheel like a vice grip steadying the rig.

    The Fly flew over the covered bridge in his small flying machine composed of rotting metal. He popped out the pin on the next nade, while turning around in the air for another fly over.

    Out of the woods a dust storm was beginning to stir out of exhausts and spinning tires. The massive plums threaten to overtake the entire ground level with smog. The dish further stirred as dirt bikes roared over the hills flanking armored 4x4s with mounted guns slowly boxing in the target. There was nowhere to run.

 60: Queen of the Cyborgs

    Four stainless steel wheels of a surgical cart squeaked down a dark hallway. On the walls portraits hung of ill-defined figures covered in dust and cobwebs. A whistling turned to a hum. The man wheeling the operating table wore red stained surgery clothing, while the sheets covering the table were fresh linen.

    There was the smell of chemicals, mint, and sickly sweet syrup covering more up. The shotgun doors banged open revealing a lab.

    ¡°Ahh there''s my favorite dog,¡± said Killin Hood.

    ¡°Woof,¡± said the dog, licking its long tongue at the side of the moving cart.

    A bloodied stump fell towards the floor as the beast cleaned it off.

    ¡°Hahaha,¡± laughed the professional of death.

    The next doors burst open revealing a laboratory full of tools of the trade, and other instruments for performing operations. There were two iceboxes and an abacus sitting behind the second royal being experimented on. In another corner of the room a contraption that looked like a throne mixed with an electric chair sat empty in front of a rear tank like a toilet reservoir, but this one was meant for blood. The dialysis tubes ran to the arms caked inside with residue from a previous procedure. An industrial claw arm on a swivel would soon hold a royal heart in its grip for a future step of the procedure.

    ¡°Oh goody Boss back to finish the procedure, by the way I got a surprise for you,¡± said Isabella, who hadn¡¯t taken her eyes off the zigzag stitches she was finishing.

    ¡°It¡¯s not a surprise if you tell me all about it first,¡± he said.

    The witch groaned, struggling to pull herself from a lounging chair wearing a sleeping gown. A crystal ball sat on a long table. It was providing a live stream of a firefight while nestled between the sewing machines, and piles of cut leather chunks piled high. She unhooked a cane off a row of hooks next to a hung modified hook system, and her witch''s hat which she put on next.

    Thunder rumbled the sky and shook the walls sparking through the tower protruding through the opened ceiling. The torrential rain pounded the stone floor, mixing with red blood cells running together into a drain in the center of the room. The cart wheels stopped moving and a foot clad in baby seal skin locked the brakes shut one by one.

    ¡°Have the loose threads been pruned dear?¡± asked Killin Hood.

    ¡°I haven¡¯t checked again recently, let me see,¡± said Isabella, covering her mouth to cough. ¡°Hmm excuse me, but they will be soon¡±.

    She hobbled to the closest table, and threw open the covers. Edward breathed heavily struggling for air in his underwear. A large incision was cut into his chest where his heart had been pillaged of his royal blood. He now slept in a never ending nightmare with both eyes closed.

    ¡°Wakey wakey hehehe,¡± she cackled, while poking the bare feet containing ingrown chunks of crystal. ¡°Soon he will mine for us with no mind of his own.¡±

    ¡°Good one but first it¡¯s time to show off my Queen, and her newest installed hardware,¡± laughed Killin Hood.

    He walked to the second table giddy with anticipation.

    ¡°Well I hope she''s as brain damaged as your preferences are in women,¡± said Isabella.

    ¡°We will find out when she wakes up, and anyhow there¡¯s always the same lobotomy procedure given to her freak son to cure any disobedience against me,¡± said Killin Hood, uncurling the covers.

    ¡°Hehe while you were gone I also increased the size of her lumps ten fold, and added hidden guns in them as well as armoring the buttocks with a thick lift,¡± said Isabella.This story has been stolen from Royal Road. If you read it on Amazon, please report it

    She switched patients, patting her boney fingers over Edward¡¯s disfigured face. ¡°This one used to be so handsome, kinda a shame what you did to him.¡±

    ¡°Now, now dear don¡¯t feel bad for he did that to himself and remember our plans relied on him not being as ruthless as he was billed,¡± said Killin Hood, not looking away from staring at the Queen.

    ¡°I meant purely in a superficial way,¡± she croaked, heading to Killin Hood¡¯s side at the Queen''s autopsy bed.

    Her chest remained frozen with her frozen heart re-installed inside. Her red lipstick curled into fangs while her eyes remained hidden under the visor of a cyborg helmet. Thick power cables ran over thicker stitches sewn over the body to sparking blocks of crystal. A saw had been welded to one arm, but the chain had yet to be installed.

    ¡°Time to flip the switch?¡± asked Isabella, rising from Edwards'' body.

    ¡°Yes, turn her on for I already am,¡± said Killin Hood, rubbing his sausage fingers together.

    Isabella hobbled over to a giant power switch stuck into the wall. She grabbed hold of the massive lever, while gritting what remained of her rotten teeth for what was to come. The rain continued to pour like cats and dogs outside. The rest of the room grew quiet except from the occasional spark from the battery banks.

    Everything remained as time drew on. Killin Hood impatiently glanced at his stopwatch, and the crystal ball in the corner. On the screen was a direct feed from the gyro-copter turning around in the air. A flash of blue averted his eyes to the sky that began to rumble with power.

    ¡°C¡¯mon big money,¡± prayed Isebella.

    Another flash blinded the room as the energy surged into the point it had been drawn. The witch flicked the switch as sparks flowed from the tower to the connecting cables. The candles were snuffed as the Queen''s skeleton became visible under her armaments coming alive on the throne of power. The boney figure became even more pronounced under flesh as the cyborg rose to sit upright on the operating table. The smoke filled the room while burnt hairs singed and popped. Elizabeth¡¯s mask jolted and hummed glowing with the energy of three suns. The room spun around like a top strobing the lights from her eye sockets that looked like lasers. In the background items not bolted down bounced around. The door flew open revealing nothing.

    The process was over as soon as it started. Isabella collapsed in the corner looking dead.

    ¡°ZAAAP!¡±

    Killin Hood descended on his assistant witch with a defibrillator connected to the operation.

    ¡°That heart was 25 or so when we installed it in you many years ago, I think it might be getting close to a replacement,¡± he said, handing her a cup of tea.

    ¡°Well you know that I am extremely picky,¡± Isabella laughed, sitting against the stone wall she took a big swig of the hot liquid.

    The thunder flashed again and then the lights went out. Killin Hood turned as a feeling of paranoia began to grow.

    ¡°I thought my Queen was supposed to remain glowing in the dark at all hours. Hey where''s the matches let''s get the candles going again to see,¡± he barked, fumbling into the dog that growled with the thunder above.

    ¡°Get my crystal ball,¡± croaked Isabella, unable to get up where she had fallen.

    ¡°Oh right, why is that dark too? I can''t see a thing. Oof.¡±

    A loud crash and a bang followed by curses. Isabella clapped two times and the firefight resumed on the crystal ball illuminating the lab who had fetched it in its mouth. Killin Hood lay looking pissed off with a foot stubbed.

    "Good dog, sigh I really gotta figure out how to disable the screensaver," she mumbled.

    ¡°Bring it here Fido,¡± instructed Killin Hood retrieving the crystal ball from his dog.

    He flicked off the live feed of the gyrocopter in action. The pilot was popping the pin on his next grenade overhead the big rig. On the grounds swirling below, the rest of the Killin company boxed in the target. Without warning the crystal ball switched to bright mode that lit the room like it was daylight. Killin Hood covered his eyes as Isabella gasped before covering her mouth.

    ¡°What is it now?¡± yelled Killin Hood, beginning to turn.

    ¡°Master your Queen is gone, escaped,¡± Isabella gulped, almost taking an object to the dome.

    "Get on the cameras and find her. It seems I still have the hard work of training her like my other animals, nothing ever comes easy," he grumbled.

    The witch caught the airborne crystal ball by instinct. Killin Hood was already out of the room with his dog following his lead. Edward¡¯s voice wheezed alive under sheets. He breathed air forced through a tube hidden under the covers, whilst his replacement blood began to slowly flow replacing his dried veins.

    ¡°Shh, rockabilly baby on come down, when the sea surfs the cradle will rock, when the bow breaks the cradle will fall, Down tumbles drowning baby,¡± Isabella sung.

    Edward tried to fight the sleep, but it was inevitable magical anesthesia. His eyes rolled over in the back of his head where he escaped to another dreamlike dimension.

 61: Road Warrior

    The blades of the gyrocopter whirled overhead while the pilot angled for a bombing run. His target, a big rig Jed was driving on an escape run. The tanker was full of illegal jungle juice, and chased by Killin Hood¡¯s pursuing men. The copter pilot above flew with one hand while the other giddily held onto a grenade with the pin pulled.

    ¡°OO OOO AA AAA!¡± screeched a purple glowing monkey, climbing aboard.

    Mule previously transformed from a donkey into several things with wings, before finally becoming a flying primate. He used his new opposable thumbs to grab hold of the pilot who was thrown screaming out of the copter''s driver''s seat and the live nade chucked the other way. Below the dead man fell into the big rig''s open passenger seat head hanging out with bloody face ripped open on the open road. Jed shuddered at receiving a dead man''s smile permanently plastered on his armor.

    ¡°BOOM!¡±

    The fallen grenade exploded into an armored vehicle pursuing the tanker that tore through a cactus and rammed the exposed area behind the open cab while the passengers aimed to kill. The bullets rained around Jed who aimed for the front shoulder. The trucks slammed off-road with the shooting vehicle sent airborne. The machine guns aboard continued blasting while the In the background the flaming truck jumped out of control removing a three-wheeler from the equation and flew into the canyon eventually exploding on impact.

    The bridge crossing was too short to clear the big rig. Jed was forced off road into a desert full of sinkholes. He thrashed and bumped with the last tires leaving off the pavement behind him as some were slack and one flat from roadkill. The railway ran next to the road. The truck followed the cut shoulder being chased by the desert camouflaged three wheeled ATVs.

    ¡°BAM!¡±

    Another explosion as three three-wheelers caught flames from a grenade.

    ¡°I¡¯ve got your six Jed, over and out,¡± said Mule, using his mouth to activate the trucks Crystal Band frequency.

    ¡°Bang,bang, ten four buddy I got my hands full,¡± responded Jed, and rifle into the C.B.R.

    A pack of dirt bikes cut him off causing a sudden swerve throwing another enemy off the tanker. . The trail he was headed to was no more. The truck threatened to flip of course under duress of open desert. Jed struggled to fight the weight of the steering wheel, exposed to the pop of shots.

    ¡°Oh shit,¡± he said, while the truck skidded forward and fell onto the railroad.

    The tires began to blow, one after another as the rims took on the railings and sparks shot out like lightning from the axles. The steering wheel ripped out of Jed¡¯s control and he flew around a corner. The big rig had become a small locomotive on rails.

    ¡°VROOOOM!¡±

    The evil cars were catching up to get revenge for their fallen comrades.

    ¡°BOOOOM!¡±

    Another grenade from Mule interrupted the pursuit, removing more ATVs. An incoming tumbleweed splintered into pieces on Jed¡¯s armor. He could see he was bleeding under. The road had already ended long ago with more weeds crowding the tracks obscuring vision. He went ripping through the rail screeching with speed blind to what was left of the tires cleared away under red hot pressure. The rims somehow held in rotation, acid rain ceased to burn into the dashboard.

    ¡°Hey keep on chooglin'' down there little buddy, and I¡¯ll keep blowing them with explosives, over and out,¡± said Mule, hooting, hollering, and beating his hairy chest in celebration, before he removed another payload from a box marked with warnings..

    ¡°Alright monkey man it¡¯s a miracle I''m still going thanks for helping.. Hey Uh what''s the situation in the distance im kinda locked to one track,,¡± said Jed.

    ¡°Hmmm.. Hold on soldier, I¡¯ll tell you when we get closer, over,¡± replied the voice over the radio.

    ¡°Roger, over and out,¡± said Jed.

    The high speed chase continued along the railroad. A train station flew past with sides filled with straw. A pursuing armored car destroyed bales and boxes littering the air. Another armored tailgater was flaming, but had already withstood a direct grenade attack from above. A dirt bike hit a ramp made into the station and flew atop the jungle juice container. The bike revving its engine sped down the spine of the liquid storage and onto the front without a cab, exposed to the whirring dirty tires. Chunks of rock splattered across Jed''s armor as he nearly got road-burn from the rotation. The bike driver looked up from throttling his machine in the face of the other driver who had a rifle.

    ¡°Bang.¡±

    Jed¡¯s gun blew guts into motion.

    ¡°Jed it looks like a boom town is up ahead,¡± said Mule, throwing another explosive.

    The explosive whistled through the air, as his arm fell into a container searching for his next victim. There was a boom below while the search remained unsuccessful. Mule took his eyes off the old western boom town in the distance flying past a rusted water tower. The truck horn blew in celebration of the third nade taking out the armored vehicle.This text was taken from Royal Road. Help the author by reading the original version there.

    ¡°Uhhh little buddy, I''m afraid I''m out of payloads, so I hope you don¡¯t have much company remaining, over,¡± said Mule, adjusting the gyro-copter flight path.

    He flew over an old shooting gallery full of moving targets, while the live bullets littered the skyline after him. The small t-rex arm like wheels of the gyro-copter were severed from underneath by flying lead. The small flier going behind the cover of bare orange desert hills was taking fire.

    ¡°I¡¯m on fire, but I¡¯ll be back,over and out,¡± said Mule, struggling to stay airborne while smoke poured from the motor.

    There was a single armored car remaining, but it had a turret with a heavy rotating gun that had been winding at Mule. The gunner stopped shooting to adjust his angle in motion. Soon he had a bead on Jed in the front seat dead ahead. The trucker looked behind him and realized he was dead to rights. He pressed on the gas pedal and closed his eyes hoping for the best to unfold.

    The wind whistled through holes knocked in his advanced armor. All was black in the void while Jed had dissociated. It was almost like he had journeyed back into the core of the planet, but not quite. The gun was spinning locked onto his body, but no bullets had come out of the chamber yet.

    ¡°Hmmm,¡± said the gunner, looking over his weapon with a red barrel. ¡°Drat overheated¡±, he finished shaking an iron fist at the truck taking the rails through a small opening of buildings.

    The armored car he was attached to at a swivel and locked, but not loaded anymore. The driver dodged a chicken coop, and rammed into a cow shed smashing aside boards before finally sinking into a vat of liquid manure. Most aboard it jumped off beside the bones of cows while a passenger was sucked into a final resting place trapped inside the cabin.

    The big rig had no cab, but was still going at high speed on the tracks and entering the ghost town. A deserted town in the desert with lots of cactuses, and tumbleweeds, but no people remaining except those currently entering. The big rig¡¯s brakes screeched, being eaten below the foot stomping them. The truck, and liquid load came to a halt in the center of the town next to a fountain of sand. The three-wheelers pulled beside the vehicle hitting the end of the tracks, and a stopper ramming the bumper.

    ¡°Where¡¯s the target?¡± asked the masked man, climbing from the ATV.

    More troops pulled in beside the deserted vehicle. The camouflaged army men spread out and began searching the town in quadrants like their training had drilled into them. Jed watched this hiding from where he had climbed a ladder. The large industrial drill was partially lodged above a mine shaft heading deep below the town.

    The former ghost town was alive with the activities of Killin Hood¡¯s men. As night descended It was stealth time for Jed who crept along in C.Q.C mode undetected. He had removed his noisy armor, and inspected himself for grievous wounds. He had a tourniquet tied to both a leg and an arm after cutting the arms off his flannel.

    Now he wore a stained tank top that was designed for beatings, and a knife in his mouth. He crawled underneath a building like a snake. He had been sneaking around for most of the daylight and sundown was coming. Above the floorboards Jed pulled himself music reverberated. The troops had walked into an old saloon, and spotted free drinks unguarded. Naturally after the pouring had started somebody had activated a wind up piano that would play itself automatically. The floor creaked, and clacked as they danced a jig, and laughed. The revolving doors burst open as more entered the premise to party.

    ¡°Hey a blackjack table upstairs lets go,¡± yelled a deep voice.

    ¡°I¡¯ll be right up there, but first I gotta piss,'''' squeaked another.

    The floorboards continued creaking all around above Jed, crawling to the other side of the dwelling. He was under the decking soon that was also crawling with activity. A voice whistled out the opening side door.

    ¡°Hey uh could you guys look the other way. I gotta take care of some business,¡± squeaked the voice, mixing perfectly in pitch with the nest of rats next to Jed¡¯s head.

    ¡°Hehe, Partner I''m afraid you''re going to have to go out with the ghosts behind another building,¡± said a coarse murmur.

    ¡°Just remember to stay away from the old bank while it gets checked over,¡± added another.

    The spurred boots dropped into the soil from the deck where eyes tracked them at ground level. The man continued whistling as he walked into the darkness. Jed could now see that he wore a holstered gun, bandoliers full of ammo, and a fresh cowboy hat. A zipper loudly descended while a yellow stream watered crystal down a shaft of the same colors. The whistle became strained while something slithered closer to attacking.

    A knife descended onto the neck cutting off the air, and changing the color of the only running stream in town. The man gargled his last breaths, while the flow of blood became a trickle. The body was looted, and dragged underneath a building to hide it. Jed equipped himself as a one man army, as coyotes yipped in the distance. He had stolen a satchel of TNT in addition to all the ammo strapped across his sleeveless garb with bandoleers. It was growing colder outside every passing second.

    The hoedown continued in the dilapidated saloon. The broken chairs had been beaten to a pulp, and now fed the fire. The bar was being emptied while a driver had temporarily switched careers to a tender. Men drank all around while shouts erupted upstairs at the game table. There was even a guy who had figured out how to change the automatic piano to something even higher tempo. People danced like there was no tomorrow.

    Meanwhile outside the two guards looked mean, and cross-eyed to still be on duty. They could see the shadows of fun being projected through the windows onto the faded advertisement for a king size tractor painted red with a dust coating of clay. There was something broken, a twig knocking into something that ringed metallic down the nightmare alley.

    ¡°What was that distraction?¡± asked a guard.

    ¡°Well you heard it, so go investigate it Von,¡± responded the other.

    ¡°Finem¡± sighed Von, stepping towards the distraction.

    ¡°BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!¡±

    They were thrown forward by a massive blast of flames engulfing the saloon behind him. Von ate a face full of desert dirt, and debris crashed around everywhere. A piece of plywood fell onto his back. He grunted to his feet, and began dusting himself off.The building he was outside was on fire and full of screaming. He blinked the gunk out of his eyes raising his gun as vision pulsed in and out of focus. He thought he saw a shadow leap out from the portion of the decking that had not exploded. Von wiped his eyes several times to make sure it had not been a dream, but the crackling continued. He rubbed his eyes a final time, and opened to Jed walking into frame with a rifle.

    ¡°BANG.¡±

 62: Showtime

    Trash rained upon the shell of what remained of the boom town after the explosion. Previously Jed had been the sufficient level of sneaky to rob dynamite from a slain henchmen and then plant it under the boards where all Killin Hood''s men partied. He escaped the scene without being seen, and shortly after the booby-trapped saloon was blown to pieces.

    He had got away from danger with plenty of time to spare so far. Where to go next? The truck behind him on rails without tires, but venturing into the surrounding desert without sufficient supplies was a bigger death sentence than hiding in the rubble. The dismembered bits of the dead coated the deserted street and a fiery barbecued body smashed a car''s front window. The glass broke off the dust-caked exterior melting the paint as the heat spread from the charred machine.

    The man took off his sunglasses to spot vultures circling the three mooned skyline for a midnight snack. The last remnants of the saloon¡¯s wooden and lead piped skeleton was slowly falling apart out in the open. The intensifying wind whistled through the dark alleys, bounced off walls, and hit chimes hung in hidden areas. The eerie desert was only growing colder as the night crept into after hour. The fierce winds blew a signs and wood shingles off the buildings left standing around town. A palm tree and cactus blew off as dust blew into Jed''s eyes. He fought against being swept away looking for cover as a sandstorm started to be brewed.

    A soundtrack production stage for an old radio program provided Jed refuge from a growing sandstorm. He pushed the main entrance shut fighting against the fierce outside pressure blowing against him. The sand pile getting bigger at his feet every second making shutting out the elements difficult. He was losing the fight with his feet pushed back skidding against the floor. The door was opening more, and more. The sand was beginning to crowd the room like an hourglass.

    ¡°Need help soldier?¡± brayed a voice, as a set of four hooves had joined the fight.

    The door was rapidly pushed closed, and the latch bolted. Jed slumped against a trunk folding a cardboard cutout of a long running serialized cowboy, and trusted alien steed eating space cactus behind. The rest of the stage was composed of many different microphones, crystal balls, and props fitting different stage genres. A rack of dull stage swords sat under ropes leading to hanging bags of filler next to magic boxes to saw. Near the garage door exit an industrial treadmill that could fit an elephant ran empty in front of a blank canvas intended for painted moving picture backgrounds.

    ¡°Oh man, I''m kinda glad to see you Mule, Uh creature,¡± said Jed.

    ¡°No problem and I¡¯ll always be a Mule no matter the shapes I take to smuggle,¡± replied Mule, swatting away a fly behind with his tail.

    ¡°Well darn tootin with the state of things I can take any friend I can in getting the payload over the finish line, shoot i''m sorry about going a bit cuckoo when I learned about your true nature was just a shock,¡± said Jed, struggling to his feet.

    Mule gently bit into him and gave him a helping hand pulling him upright.

    ¡°Thanks,¡± said Jed, shaking hands with the hoof of the creature looking similar to a donkey, but slightly different.

    ¡°I¡¯m an ancient being alright, but I try to have fun sometimes because just because I have some powers compared to you doesn''t make me all that powerful in the grand scheme of things. You see this form was what I was born shapeless putty out of a void and then malformed into something with no form in a crystal cavity of all 12 varieties until I cultivated myself to live basically forever,¡± explained Mule.

    ¡°Alright, good information to keep in mind for the future, but I take it you also need the cash from transporting the jungle juice like a regular mortal or you wouldn''t be doing it with me,¡± said Jed.

    ¡°Yes, I wasted much time with my previous wizard master swerving through other dimensions looking for things to alter our consciousness while not getting much done outside our imaginations,¡± said Mule.

    ¡°I see I¡¯m good at working with my hands to build and smash,¡± said Jed, frowning.

    Jed struggled to pull off one of his armored sneakers while loudly grunted as the shoe finally yanked off and sand trickled out like a waterfall. With both his feet cleared of debris they were back in action. They walked past a giant movie camera on rails and he was reminded of the cargo. He checked his rifle and saw three bullets remaining, plus the one in the chamber.Unauthorized duplication: this tale has been taken without consent. Report sightings.

    ¡°So why is a donkey of all things your preferred form?¡± asked Jed, stepping over 2x4s snapped in half.

    ¡°Oh you see I have very limited strength before I will tear myself to pieces with something like being a dragon while another important thing to remember is that using my powers goes by the Elf tier ranking of living beings so being an ass uses almost none of my strength,¡± said Mule.

    ¡°I see,¡± said Jed, breaking down a barrier into the next chamber.

    The next room was a backstage area full of dead goblins where the flies flew everywhere, dead mutton chops littered the tables in paper pulp buckets while the whole bodies littered the folding chairs. The walls were covered in stinky green goblin blood while bloody blue cutt-off goblin tongues flew on chains swaying from the spooky atrium ceiling. A window let the whistling wind smack in more sand piling up to the top of the frame. .

    ¡°Well Mule it¡¯s always been easy mode with you around huh, pff I try to be humble but I''ve been living in a little bit too much fear of the latest creature features always attacking us when you can live forever dang,¡± pondered Jed.

    ¡°Shhh,¡± said Mule, cutting off his friend''s mouth with a two handed human strangulation around the throat.

    A puppet slowly descended from the ceiling. The strings barely visible until a stage light above lit it into action. The puppet jerked forward revealing it was actually a ventriloquist dummy on strings. Up above in the rafters a shadowy figure worked the controls where lightning flashed behind. The shadow jerked the strings and the dummy began advancing.

    Mule dragged Jed out of the room in ape form, then kicked the door open with two tusks, and threw the man into an empty room with a gorilla grip. The dummy continued slowly chasing, powered by evil spiteful magic.

    ¡°Run Jed. Whatever you do don¡¯t let that thing catch you,¡± cried Mule, leaping away like a donkey.

    The pair burst back outside the studio knee deep in sand. The road was full of the dead walking as zombies, or crawling as the sneaking human followed by the donkey. The puppet master jerked the dead into alternate attacking animations or dancing on strings.

    Out of nowhere a hearse revved out of control smashing into the stables. The zombies climbed from coffins spilled from the crashed vehicle or dug themselves out of graves in the ground. One of the dead had rotting farmer overalls and a pitchfork he stabbed at the man. Jed dodged the weapon angled in his direction from death itself. He blasted one of his four remaining rifle rounds into the face of the offender.

    The dummy exited the building. It ran into the street stealthily looking for something to capture. Its mouth moved a slack jaw, while the neck hung limply without a hand for stabilization. The eyes dark beads waiting for a life-line to come into vision. The strings continued from the heavens while the boss creature creaked forward on cheap joints and stiff animation.

    Jed and Mule watched from behind bins of dirty laundry. They hid in a building dubbed the hen house. The being pursuing them jerked forward down the small claustrophobic hallway. The strings clipped through the ceiling without tearing the black molded metal. The dummy entered a nail salon full of industrial hair dryers. It scanned for prey, while its teeth chattered mindlessly.

    ¡°Clang!¡±

    A ringing sound back in the hallway had the dummies head rotate 180 degrees on a dime. The swivel was completed as the stop motion limbs cleared the door, and spotted legs being pulled into a vent. The donkey was still here, and switched to a bee. The dummy surged forward with robot-like precision guided faster than lightning from above.

    ¡°Ddisosajah blah,¡± squirmed Mule, turning shapes several times.

    He sifted from cat to bat, as the creature increased suction level with the void in its back.The puppet master pulled the strings from above while the dummy had a donkey in the ventriloquist role. Jed crawled into the rafters heart beating getting closer to becoming prey while the figure in the shadows turned puppet control towards the winds.

    Another enemy joined the battle and faced a martial arts stance. A crouching bald man in stage robes and makeup put on for maximum offense of the senses. He raised his arms, dropped sparkling glitter that fell towards the dummy.

    ¡°Bang,Bang,Bang.¡±

    What had to be the puppeteer was gunned down full of three large bullet holes, and no longer moving. Jed threw down his empty rifle and spun up the two revolvers he had looted. It was time for dual wielding. He slid down the ladder, and past the sign marked ¡°action¡±. Jed crawled back through the vent retracing his steps and eventually dropped to the floor after slamming his head three times before.

    The dummy was slumped over an ironing board. Mule was slumped in the opposite direction but his hoof was still connected. The wooden control stick had fallen to the wayside.

    Suddenly the dummy dragged itself forward, with Mule followed in a drooling stupor.

    ¡°Heeheehee,¡± laughed both the dummy and Mule together with their dead beady eyes fixed on Jed.

    His friend who could supposedly live forever had been rendered a vegetable from dark magic. The threads of gut fabrics shot out in hundreds of strands to hook barbed ends into Mule. The parasitic plastic dummy slowly feasted on its victims. It was a reverse ventriloquist demon cultivated puppet controlled by a witchcraft master until one day it would eat enough to turn into a real monster with a mind of its own.

 63: Evil Ventriloquist Dummy

    The dummy slowly advanced down the alley like a spaceman. The sandstorm blew fast strands eating away at the plaster, curling the fake hair, and eroding away painted on rosy cheeks. Mailboxes, chimes, and fence posts were ripped away into a distant tornado. The dummy¡¯s fake leathery cowboy hat blew off, but it kept going.

    Trapped into the back of the threaded monster was Mule who remained caught under a spell functioning as a reverse ventriloquist. The stitched-together thing advanced to terminate. The hooves were slowly sucked into the back of a fake cowboy get-up. The hungry smiling threaded being slurped somewhere behind a dumb slackjaw. A threaded digestion system began to process the donkey further into a stomach of needles and threading with every passing second.

    The wind whipped away any exposed flesh caught in the blasts raining into the ghost town after midnight. A pack of zombies danced in the outside streets turning into skeletons from the elements. Jed was boxed into the thick of it. The thing lurking behind him that had gripped his friend in grave danger.

    He had long ago dropped his armor and rifle for a bandolier and two revolvers. He needed to immediately reach better cover. He sprinted down the thin side street, and rolled into an even thinner alley. Jed was sandwiched perfectly behind two greasy bricked walls shielding him from the elements.

    Time ticked by, but the witching hour had just begun. The man crept in C.Q.B. mode throughout the nearby nighttime building. No clue what else the monster was capable of doing but he turned to face the single threat advancing towards him. A sleeping shapeshifter stuck in a donkey body brayed a sinister tone projected from his nightmares. It had caught him.

    Jed barged through an entrance with his armored sneakers breaking out of stealth. The dummy shot forwards in his direction. He shut the metal just as it floated at him. The lock clicked shut, while the door banged with a furry threatening to cleave off the bolt. His vision remained very poor inside the building while banging intensified outside.

    Jed found himself in a store with dusted overhead signs marking tractor supply. A room stacked with hay bales, compost bags, but mostly obscured by the leaking sand that continued to sting at him. The dangerous weather conditions cut in from blinds forced open by a flurry of pounding sand like a seaswell. Luckily Jed was stocked with a stocky frame, cool eyeglasses,tough flannel, air crystals lodged in his nostrils to safely breathe in the elements, and green crystals for additional luck.

    He limped past a showcase riding lawnmower covered in a blanket of topsoil. The walls were littered with similarly gunked up display models of clippers, weed wackers, and table saws defunct from neglect. Jed slid into hiding just as the top of two hoofs floated past the skylight near his head. The dummy shimmied past with its head on straight, but a single beady eye was sneaking a peek inside. It had spotted the edge of Jed¡¯s bloodied bandage on arm while he was trying to hide underneath the tip jar.

    The opposite double doors blew open. The creature entered the premises with the first caught prey still digesting. It scanned a row of old school farming tractors, and then behind the cash register. A bell rang for the manager but there was no response. Jed breathed as quietly as a mouse behind the Extra large deck of a full featured riding lawn mower.

    The dummy raised itself from looking under the front desk, while something towards the back of the store loudly clanged. It charged forward, limbs jerking unnaturally on big threaded seams stitched into it haphazardly. A rat darted for the taped off restrooms.

    ¡°Where are you at?¡± the dummy played from its back through the donkey¡¯s rear end speaker.

    It descended to the underside of a lawnmower. The blades were brand new and a section of the dust had been cleared by human hiding now gone.

    ¡°Wirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.¡±

    The blades of the mower began to power up, as the mower engine sputtered to life. The creature jerked back while its fake hair was buzzed off, and more. Half a fake face was cut into paste sucked into the bag on the back of the lawn mowing machine.

    A remaining beady eye scanned the room. A gloved hand swiped the seat above two big cup-holders. The eye spotted Jed sprinting towards the exit. The creature continued to surge forward, as the windows around it exploded with waves of sand. It rapidly piled from the windows, and surged through the door he had been running towards. This escape path had been closed.

    The wind continued whistling outside, as sand continued to pile indoors. Time was running on for Jed who was hiding inside the thin walls of a standing cheap metal gun cabinet. He watched through the keyhole for his cue to run, or finally fight. The dummy hadn¡¯t been seen in awhile. It was certainly still hunting him that was without question. He saw the edge of the monster slowly entering the hardware section on the other end of the store. It was now or never to go.

    Jed reached out and slowly let himself out of the cabinet. Thankfully the grease was still good on the hinges. His feet remained silent, while sticking to the carpeted racks of soiled clothing. Eventually the path ended at a door labeled ¡°Emergency Exit¡±. He kicked it open. The outside greeted him as a wicked desert storm not fit for man. The wind whistled and cackled through a row of bending palm trees nailed with braces. One of them had already snapped into a ditch like a toothpick. His big rig truck sat a shadow further on the railway that ran beside him. Jed turned as he instinctively felt a knot of terror being unleashed inside his guts.

    The dummy was lurking towards him in the hallway. It swept forward silently floating like a ghost propelled from some kind of invisible power up above. The man turned carefully aiming his duel wielding revolvers.

    ¡°Bang,bang,bang,bang,bang,bang,bang,bang,bang!¡±Unauthorized duplication: this tale has been taken without consent. Report sightings.

    There were many holes in the dummy, but nothing seemed to pause it. The creature space walked forward out the doorway that was now empty of all signs of humans. The dummy cowboy coat began to stitch back together, but the grinding weather paused the repairing process.

    Jed dashed down the tracks that ran through sand dunes. The wind had died in intensity momentarily; but it still stung particularly fiercely. He breathed heavily forcing his bad leg to continue trucking. The building he had just been evicted from had been at the edge of town, and now he was headed back to the center.

    In the far distance lighting lit up the desert valley that had regained brief visibility. The dot of the tornado could be spotted on the horizon eating a farmhouse, barn, and grain silo like a shark takes a small fish. Jed sprinted underneath the stilts of a house. The former saloon had been at the center of town and the smoke had traveled to him.

    Zombies littered the roadside ahead around the big rig that looked impossibly far from reaching. The shuffling dead looked funny on account of being sandblasted. The skin was covered with a million pieces of dirt in twisted above ground burial. And so were the eyes covered and eaten of the creatures blindly roaming around with arms flailing.

    The clouds in the sky began to part. A guttural cackling began to echo around while a pair of old veiny witch hands were revealed. The fingers bent and twisted projected in the clouds, warts and all. They controlled the approaching dummy while the moonlight focused on Jed sprinting away.

    The streets had filled with trash deposited from the powerful waves that had thrashed the area. Jed looked behind him to see the dummy rounding the corner furthest away. He darted over debris, jumped a car, and pounced over an industrial air conditioning unit. An alarm blasted ahead at the totaled bank. A getaway car sat encased in a block of sand while a robber dug for his trapped companion.

    Jed snuck past them into the open door of the bank, surprised there was some honor among thieves. He entered the bank ripped apart by either the thieves or the storm. The floor of sand gradually cleared away for an avalanche of papers further inside the guts of the financial institution. The massive vault ahead was open, and the racks were bare of fruit. A scream rang outside as the dummy claimed another prize for itself.

    The thing on invisible strings entered the bank. It floated forward with another victim added to the digestion que. The donkey was a powerful tough ancient stubborn piece of ass, and was taking a while to process. The human thugs had been chopped up and were acting as fast carbs to keep the cloth running. A clang drew the smiling dummy lashing forwards. It rapidly descended where the noise had been. The victim was trapped in a dead end.

    ¡°I¡¯m sorry Mule, old buddy,¡± said Jed, as he swung the vault shut behind the puppet.

    The dial spun, locking the stitched monster and its victims behind the reinforced door. A man slumped against the other side gasping for air. Jed took a breather, and was too exhausted to plan for the future while his sore limbs and back continued to hold him in place. The suns were beginning to show outside peeping through the skylights that had been blown. The sand forming beds of orange in the lobby below. It looked like the end of the road was coming, but there was still a chance of him getting off it to civilization. In order to complete his mission the truck would need to be rebuilt with parts sourced from the ghost town.

    A loud screeching cut the air from the vault. A witch¡¯s cackling filled the outside with the morning smoke. The vault door remained intact, but it didn¡¯t sound good.

    ¡°Crash!¡±

    The wall to the bank by the tellers was torn apart. The thing advanced again with screws, bolts and splinters stuck all over the front of the fake outfit. A face remained only half intact, but the single beady eye saw the man sprinting away from the building.

    Jed ran down the street dodging zombies. A large pack of them groaned ahead, clumping together into a barrier that could not be crossed. The door of a small workshop was kicked in, and the man on the run cleared the counter. He sprinted out the back and caught sight of the big rig not far in the distance.

    The heat was gradually beginning to build with all three suns now in the sky. The saloon was still smoldering, and those who died inside still slumbered aimlessly. The big rig sat where it had been left on the tracks, but was partially buried in sand. Only the tank full of juice was still above ground. Jed had reached his destination in the open, and hadn¡¯t considered if he would have time to save himself. He began to dig frantically with his hands, while something laughed at the futile effort.

    The dummy walked through the wreckage of the saloon. The dead caught in the wake were pushed away as the thing advanced. It stepped over the burning bar, while the charred pieces of zombies melted in place to the furniture. The staircase had been completely incinerated after the 2nd step.

    ¡°I¡¯m here, c''mon on down,¡± called Jed¡¯s voice loudly from the street.

    ¡°Well howdy there partner,¡± responded the dummy through the rear.

    A board broke off, and the rest of the remaining building fell with it. The frame collapsed into a heap that added more dust to the area. Jed coughed loudly at the big rig, while his vision was cut off. His eyes darted as he kept turning to make sure he wasn¡¯t being crept up on. The dummy rushed at him using its magic suit to glide like a flying squirrel from the roof.

    Jed sprayed out a large stream of jungle juice from out of the hose he dug up and held steady. Next he used his lighter igniting the stream of fire that roared into the dummy shooting towards him. Jed rolled away just in time as the fire continued to haphazardly spray out an inferno. The melting hot wax monster continued to advance intending to smother him from top of the dune. He cut the juice flow, and aimed a revolver.

    ¡°Bang.¡±

    The final fake eye was blasted out. The blind dummy stuttered forward like a stop motion claymation while the fires flickered slowly melting it. Jed jumped out of the picture as a glove descended on his location. The threaded monster and victims flew through the air like a wired actor in a stage production until it crashed into a building labeled ¡°Eddie''s coffin supply¡± that collapsed into a rubble pile.

    On the horizon the witch¡¯s cackles had been silenced. The birds cheerfully chirped while sunslight washed out everything with a drought of heat. The fires smoldered where they had burned some of the ghost town, but not all. The sky was bright blue, and not a cloud provided cover.

    Jed worked while both sweating and being sunburned under the wide brimmed visor of his trusted trucker cap. He was going as fast as he could manage to uncover what remained of the truck. When that was completed he would scavenge for parts, and try his best to fix himself out of this sticky situation. If there was time he would dig a grave provided he found whatever remained of Mule.

    Sundown soon arrived again. The truck had been dug out in the front, but the back-end remained well below ground buried with the tracks. Jed collapsed into a bed formed by what he had removed. This was a lot of work if he couldn¡¯t make it work. No time for that thinking. It was time for a drink if only that hadn¡¯t been what he had exploded. It was time for bed. A solitary seagull watched the man from a roof. Jed headed toward the covers of the deserted jail he would slumber in. The bird began to glow purple.

 64: Witchanic Hallucinations

    Isabella the witch continued to cackle nervously as a nasty habit. Her evil plans had backfired. The magic sands she previously stirred up in her cauldron had stopped when her puppet dummy had been melted to nothing in the sun. The zombies she raised from the dead not killed by Jed wandered the desert roaming for food. Her master manipulation of the situation had been severed much like the human skin she used in the manufacture of her most enchanted designer handbags, clothing, and brooms.

    The sands of her cauldron spilled out onto the floor. She strained her popping joints, and sockets to place it back on the boiler pad after successfully emptying it. A large pantry was the next destination for her old bones.

    ¡°Hehehe I¡¯m 103, and it¡¯s really beginning to catch up to me,¡± she said, adding snake-oil to the pot as a base ingredient.

    The next ingredient was an extra concentrated dose of raw apple cider vinegar, a frog''s tail followed after a puppy tail wart flower. She dumped in extra salt, triple MSG spice mix with the chopped onions dumped in the cauldron, with a little on the floor. Isabella finally dropped in a hefty slab of choice cut red meat. It was lowered into the cook just like Edward¡¯s body had been lowered one step closer to the final destination. Killin Hood¡¯s Labrador retriever licked the salt, and ignored the pepper, while garlic chunks fell from a chopping block under the tablecloth.

    ¡°Bad dog,¡± scolded Isabella, furiously shaking a ladle to the cavern''s ceiling in frustration at her recent failures.

    She added extra spite to the brewing broth from all the hours of stitching and bewitching now wasted from being defeated. All the hours spent on her monstrous creation terminated with a single continuous stream of jungle juice sprayed from that son of a bitch. The dummy had been destroyed, and now she was really annoyed.

    The swampy green cauldron creation continued to bubble into a boil. The room was getting steamy with the humidity of a portal to a different environment beginning to form. A sound of Dodo birds squawking was overtaken by smelting steel and coal smoke of another dimension in the industrial revolution.

    ¡°Isabella, I need you to complete my heart procedure, it can''t wait much longer before the meat goes cold,¡± called Killin Hood, from a nearby room.

    ¡°Yes I¡¯m coming,¡± she replied.

    The vacation portal snapped shut leaving the room smelling of seashells. Isabella got on her cane and put on her pointed witches hat. Today''s robe was a traditional style, but also composed of wild material she had harvested from another planet.. She bent and twisted a dial to reduce the heat to a simmer and limped out of the room with items ready for the next operation.

    A nest of spiders crawled out of hiding as the dog followed. In another area of the lab Killin Hood had partially strapped himself in. His hands were free enough to check a crystal pocket watch. It was almost time to turn himself into a royal procedure. The device he sat on was a special blood converter, heart transplanter, spleen ripper, and kidney pilferer; all in one. The thing also looked like a crossover of an electric chair, and a toilet bowl. An ancient robot claw hung in front of many copper wires leading to the bloodbath.

    A light rapping on the doorway.

    ¡°Here I am dear,¡± said Isebella, hobbling in.

    The walls rumbled with the refrigerators'' cooling units sounding like they were drawing dangerously low. She opened one revealing shelfs full of many things still beating. The harvested organs had been placed on trays and wrapped in paper with electric wires escaping the cracks. It was only that and the continuous drip of some kind of liquid in the otherwise silent room as the witch hunted for the right specimen.

    ¡°Good time to advance our operations to the capital, so no more lollygagging around. I trust the loose threads have been cut,¡± said Killin Hood.

    ¡°Ohh yes our boy is dropped inside a mining system created by our marvelous minds, and we can¡¯t forget you''ve got the Queen now on a short lease hehe,¡± said Isabella, still searching.

    ¡°OK, let¡¯s forget about the mind and worry about organs. Do you need your glasses?. There over here next to the radio so turn the music on and let¡¯s get this show on the road,¡± said Killin Hood, removing a large stake from a drawer on the machine that would soon penetrate him.

    A cart was wheeled beside the organ operator 3000. Isabella¡¯s fingers fell over the surgical instruments, and she handed him a large steak knife. A scraping screeching noise intensified. She turned on the sound system that began playing minor key organ music from speakers decorated with shrunken heads. His blade continued cutting into a steak in addition to the plate. A pool of red blood formed through the cracks to the floor of stone. Killin Hood took the rare chunk of seared flesh into his chompers.

    ¡°Can never do an operation on an empty stomach mmmm,¡± said Killin Hood, between bites of what the witch had cooked him.

    ¡°You can say that again boss,¡± said Isabella, also beginning to drool with the nearby lab.

    She broke eye contact with the juicy steak, and moved over to a row of several operating tables. One held a body covered with a fresh sheet, and the other was empty. The grime from the removal of Edward¡¯s heart still covered the empty metal. She grabbed hold of a key from the foot locker, and hobbled to the refrigerators.

    The door squeaked open again. A mouse headed out the back of the unit to a hole in the wall. The cooling crystals inside the icebox added a cold mist to the room. A beat sounded, a steady rhythm from inside the deep covered baker.

    ¡°Hehehehehe,¡± she laughed, removing the cover.This story is posted elsewhere by the author. Help them out by reading the authentic version.

    The king¡¯s heart was revealed in the sandwich meat drawer hooked to tubes inside. She grabbed a hold of it with fingers. It still beat after she unhooked the first wires. Killin Hood set down the cut in half plate, and angled the stake towards himself. Isabella prepared the royal heart into the operational claw for an ancient procedure. The lights flickered as it commenced without anesthesia or painkillers.

    Meanwhile Edward was covered in filth in the dungeons. He lay limp in a cell, dressed in rags, while his stump was chained to a hook in the mold covered wall. He remained half dead from his heart being removed, and replaced with another of dubious quality. The guards had joked this was his vacation while he recovered, but he hadn¡¯t heard them in his near comatose condition. A scream pierced through the dirt, and floors separating his body from the organ. He was still psychically connected to it and the perfect strings played to wake him.

    ¡°Arggg..cough¡­sputter¡­hack,¡± he cried, with a chest suddenly full of suppressed pain.

    Edward keeled over to the hard floor, sending the roaches running for cover.

    ¡°Thud.¡±

    A dust cloud was stirred and smelled of sulfur.

    ¡°I¡¯m alive,¡± he choked, attempting to pull himself up by the mattress but only pulling out clumps of straw.

    The candle outside the cell had been snuffed. Edward¡¯s eyes opened again. The haze filled the cell that warbled, and he saw pretty colors while something scraped the stone floor outside the crystal reinforced bars. He finally managed to pull himself back onto the dirty mattress. With no sheets or blankets he fell back asleep a second time.

    The former king regained consciousness back in the core of the planet''s hollow center where only one other had escaped. The knight who had escaped had also returned bringing a lot of reinforcements to save him. The wind blew at the advancing columns of soldiers coming to save him. Edward was tied high on the only remaining large section of castle ice once intended to be the new capital. He was wounded with wires that filled with his blood and guts. He screamed, but the fluids in his lungs stopped him from producing loud enough vocals.

    As the nightmare continued he stopped trying when he glanced to the other side of him. The wicked witch held a special ceremony dagger full of the hearts of cards. She let a sample collect into a silver dish marked ¡°Fido¡¯s food,¡± without pricking too much. She turned and raised the sparkling bowl that sizzled in the moonlight and let it flow into a purple hollowed skull. The sacrificial objects clanked flying to the top of the temple across the way like it had been sucked by a turbo magnet field. The crystals sparkled like stars along the triangular object on the roof of the temple he had previously escaped.

    ¡°Hehehe look at me boy,¡± the witch cackled, turning his head back around with her cold boney fingers.

    Isabella used her cane to locate, and sway over a trunk hanging from rope tied to a handle. The over popped open to more clanking, and clanging.

    ¡°Where did I store that?¡± she asked herself.

    Edward spit a chunk of his lungs at her but it overshot, failing off the side of the wall. It was frigid enough to freeze spit and cause frostbite past his limited vision, however his body continued screaming with the hot sensation of burning.Edward wriggled and fought back trying to break free, but that only caused a hit of excruciating pain like being magically mind fucked that totally immobilized him.

    ¡°Ahh there it is,¡± cried the witch, holding a crystal ball in her bony hands while kicking the trunk shut and out of sight. ¡°Ahem.. is this thing working,¡± the crystal ball amp provided a temporary ear destroying feedback as she tapped it. ¡°Ok knight¡¯s listen here the Queen will greet you she will marry Killin Hood of Killin Wood soon spread news to the surface. Before you leave however see here this ex royal has betrayed the throne but never had the royal blood anyway to serve. His entire life is a farce before your very eyes, you were all tricked to serve a monster and I will prove it with a test,¡± she announced.

    Her old hands locked the ancient hollowed skull with the crystal ball locking underneath the jaw. Soon neon lights lit the inside pool project a stream of big block letters into the northern lights.

    ¡°NOT A ROYAL!¡± The DNA test read read.

    The mass formation of knights could be heard gasping at the big reveal of the results from all the way across the valley.

    ¡°He.. I mean I¡¯m so very sorry you were tricked, but science reveals the facts now let¡¯s test the real deal royal ruler,¡± Isabella said, dumping the pool of plain blood from Edward.

    The witch hobbled on her cane while holding the ritual machine under one shoulder. A controller emerged from the robe tied to a wrist band and she aimed the device dead on Edward while cackling pressing buttons. The nearby wall exploded and the cyborg Queen Elizabethy the 13th entered.

    ¡°Nooo,¡± cried Edward.

    The former approaching knights of his had stopped their march to save him. Isabella smiled and put her dried lips to her crystal ball. The Queen remained like a block of ice as blood was drawn.

    ¡°Royalty.¡± were the words the blood placed in the clearing sky this time.

    ¡°Now go knock them out honey with my advanced spells and cosmetics..Hehehe,¡± cackled Isabella, now pressing the forward arrow button on the remote with reckless abandon.

    The cyborg fearlessly stomped forward off the wall composed of crystal ice. It fell tumbling into the air while the witch cackled, and played with her keys behind. The royal cyborg on a jet-pack shot forward with the magma thrusters blackening and melting the ice blocks behind. Queen Elizabethy barrel rolled over the core¡¯s single moon forever burning in full. She flew over her subjects taking a knee deep in the white snow.

    Isabella hobbled off to join her power slave that would soon marry Killin Hood without her own mind. She found it amusing that their chosen method of seizing power was actually the most moral of all things considered. While Killin had long been the name of their company they were actually taking things the path of least resistance instead of a hard revolution.

    Later Edward woke up abandoned alone. He was still tied to the side of the castle while the others all followed the Queen. His lips and limbs had frozen, but the pain he felt wasn¡¯t numbed. The moonlight was the only thing keeping out the night. The mass of armed torches in the distance had now completely fallen away leaving the valley.

    The cold had increased into a frost bitten zone. A single wolf howled away on the cliff under the temple above the castle. The crystals still sparked into the sky lights above. Edward prepared his remaining brain cells for the coming final curtain for himself. A single tear fell from one of his eyes and was immediately frozen solid.

    There was something rustling the guard rail. A skeleton in armor floated into vision that had become heavily distorted.

    ¡°Eddy is that you love,¡± called a voice that sounded familiar and also incredibly smokey.

    His vision faded to black while Nancy blindly searched for him, but ended up tumbling off the wall.

    He much later woke up in the dungeon under Killin Manor. The bars had opened, but his chain would not let him escape.

    ¡°The orders in to transport him to the mines,¡± announcing a gruff henchman, walking through the open gate with a key.

 65: Slice of Life

    It was hot, as were the red dyed dogs sizzling on the grill. It was magma powered and sat in the shade of ghostly buildings. This entire town may have been deserted, but the ice crystals in the diner''s walk-in coolers had kept some stuff cool. Jed held a plastic spatula he found, and cooked in an apron labeled ¡°Merry Sous Chef." The hotdogs flipped revealing cracks forming in the natural casings and he moved to buttering the frozen buns.

    The flat and windless air kept the smoke going up straight and out of his face. The landscape barren sunbaked and dry as the soda he recently found behind the expired fountain in the community center. It was the unfortunate case that most of the sealed liquid in town had disappeared through evaporation. This had Jed worried about the buried jungle juice, but fortunately the big rig truck seemed to have plenty enough remaining in storage to last a few weeks at least. Its highly intoxicating properties also helped numb the roaring pain of his injuries. The question was how long it would last in the open heat until he could get it dug out. Or how long would his body keep going?

    At least he had already found some fresh bandages, and peroxide in the gift shop. The problem was he hadn''t removed the bullet lodged in his thigh, but somehow he could still get around alright for now. It really was a ticking time bomb that needed the attention of a medical professional. To get out of here in one piece he was going to have to become a pro at assembling junk into working parts to fix the truck. The big rig needed a ton of them to ever get on the road again including some serious jacking that probably wasn''t doable by a single man.

    The sandstorm had buried much more than the truck. He had to dig to get into there. What wasn¡¯t torn off yet by tornado was covered in fresh debris stuck in the top of many layers that covered the old. Jed had dug up bones, coins, pots, pans, and a carpet leaving them in the growing pile. To both remedy the payload evaporating, and keep him cool while working he had a couple of solutions. The first was the chunks of ice he had tried to drag over her and place over the container, but it proved backbreaking work for something that quickly melted. His next plan was going to have to rig something up for shade. When lunch was finished he needed to get back to looking for some kind of canopy tent to cover the operation.

    ¡°I really wish Mule was still around, sigh¡­ I suppose nothing is invincible even the most shifty of shape-shifters,¡± he said, packing hot dogs in the toasted buns one by one.

    A dozen were circling the plate. Jed slammed the grill shut as his stomach rumbled ready for action. He grabbed the serving tray in one hand, and his refillable Maxxx-gulp mug in the other heading to the rear of his truck. The vehicle was looking rough at this point. A few of the rims that had been revealed were going to need to be replaced. Jed grabbed the hose sticking from the tanker, and filled his insulated cup full of ice crystals to the brim. The only way he was getting out of here was if he could convert the big rig permanently to a train.

    The only man isolated in this location walked towards the barn on the edge of town. A big building towering above him painted bright red just like the hotdogs he had found pallets of in the market''s freezer. Jed walked through a dead garden that sprawled behind the deserted hotel and houses. The path became well worn and flanked by rock walls. He soon climbed stairs of stone through an area of windmills that stood still. An ancient tractor had turned to such a sheet of rust next to the weathered bones of a horse.

    Jed let himself inside the building much cooler than the jail he first tried to make base. Sure the loft was still unbearable here in the barn but the ground floor was as nice as it was gonna get around here especially with the doors shut. It was all due to the power of the ice crystals in the basement. They had been stored there slowly expiring into a giant pool of slush slowly melting. For now there was still enough cooling power to keep the barn''s 1st floor nice and comfy.

    Jed groaned while lowering himself onto a seat and table constructed of hay bales. His back wasn¡¯t getting any younger. The hay wasn¡¯t soft until it was strewn about loosely and itchy material so dry he didn¡¯t dare bring any magma in the building. It was too much work to empty out the premises, but if a fiery attack happened it was game over.

    At this point Jed was out of farcs if he ever possessed any. He was only getting over the finish line with some calculated gambles. He also didn¡¯t have much ammo remaining and surprisingly there weren''t any more rounds he could find anywhere in town.

    ¡°MMMMMM that¡¯s tasty!¡± he exclaimed, gobbling up a wiener and bun in two bites.

    Next he grabbed one in each hand this time, and ate the first in one go. He was like a dog who had discovered chicken shit.

    ¡°BUUUURP.¡±

    He washed the greasy meat down with the jungle juice that was so good, even warm. If you had to be stranded this wasn¡¯t bad at all.The author''s content has been appropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.

    ¡°If it wasn¡¯t so fucking dry out here I would start a farm, well that and the only girls available out here to marry is the dead,¡± he groaned.

    Jed knew he had been changed significantly over his journey. He could guess that he wouldn¡¯t be living in society if he ever returned to it. With the reward money for delivering what remained of the jungle juice he would buy some nice green rural farmland. His only hope was that he hadn¡¯t been damaged or gone mad enough to never be able to be married, but that was a hard thing to self evaluate.

    ¡°MMM this is some killer spicy mustard I looted,¡± he said to himself, going in for thirds.

    As Jed ate and the dopamine from the food jogged his mind.

    ¡°Oh I got it,¡± he said between a full mouth and teeth that kept eating.

    He had remembered that the saw had been stored somewhere in the truck. If only it was still there he could find it. A cutter like that would greatly help with survival, and construction.

    The time had passed towards dark. The high noon light was beginning to reduce through the cracks in the building, and its entrances. Jed held his face in his hands continuing to wallow in indigestion. He had consumed 9 hotdogs, and the plate below him was empty. He slurped up the rest of his juice through the straw and fell back into a bed of straw. This stuff was a heavy brew, and a nap was in order. His eyes shut and the darkness took over.

    *********************************

    The prisoner aboard the elevator opened his eyes faced with massive grinding gears on the open sides of a slowly lowering platform. The surrounding cave walls went by a blur that all looked similar. There were seven guards surrounding him with weapons.

    Edward tried to say something, but he had been muzzled and a straitjacket had also been fastened. His chest burned with pain so severe it was disorienting him. The new heart he had been given pounded in his chest haphazardly. His vision faded in and out falling towards the edge.

    ¡°ZAP!¡± said a guard''s shocky stick.

    He was jolted to his senses, then picked up by two, and smacked around back into place. The funny thing was the electricity made him feel a lot better. Edward chuckled as best he could under the mask locked to his head.

    ¡°ZAAAAAP!¡±

    ¡°I say he lasts no more than one week,¡±

    ¡°I say under a day and I will give you¡­ 1 Electrostone,¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m out to find another sucker,¡±

    ¡°Let''s make it 1 Electro, and a Farc,¡±

    "Deal."

    The two guards finalized the wager between them with a firm handshake. There were four mercenaries employed by Killin Company in total sat stationed in the grimy booth surrounded by barbed wire and lit by torches. A table full of cards, a sofa, a water-cooler, and a cabinet full of guns to keep them occupied. The surveillance feed was supposed to be strictly for monitoring, but they where watching the game for now.

    A man with a face full of dirt lay across the dirtier coach opening a book filled with pages with filthy materials. The four on duty had moved to different areas to get space away from each other. The warning buzzing sound of the incoming elevator immediately snapped everyone to attention. They had a buffer of five minutes before it would actually arrive, but there was 30 minutes of work that had been put off forever. They threw trash into bags, scrubbed grease off dishes, stuffed sour laundry into closets, and attempted to tidy beds. With that mostly completed a panic ensued as they fought over brooms, and mops. The final touch was cleaning the windows with ammonia and a toothbrush.

    The elevator loudly clicked into the dock. Edward was escorted off into a loading zone of supplies, and spare parts. A crane on a rail moved slowly around the overhead remote control. The sign greeting him said: ¡°Welcome to the Killin Mines. Miner check-in, and human relations department.¡±

    ¡°Simon it¡¯s good to see you, how''s the surface?¡± asked a guard behind the bulletproof see-through crystal of the booth.

    The warden holding the prisoner grunted in acknowledgement, but mostly spoke with his eyes. Simon was a shirtless man of so much muscle it slowed him down significantly and gave him health issues from overgrown organs. His height was big enough to also cause him more problems, but he was really good at his job.

    ¡°I''ll let you through, but you know I gotta see some ID as company protocol,¡± said the guard in the booth.

    The same guard jerked and involuntary response, jumping out of his office chair that spun empty. A fist had cracked the glass, and the guy behind it had run away in a flash. A buzzer signaled to a large section of the cave wall began to open up past the station with the light turned green.

    ¡°Just this way you common man who used to be royalty hehehe,¡± laughed a shrill voiced woman.

    Her voice was familiar to Edward, but things had turned so fuzzy his brain wasn¡¯t connecting the dots too much. His legs moved automatically underneath him following their commands. The cavern went in and out of focus until they traveled into the secret entrance.

    They went through a small cramped tunnel to a large cave filled with lights, wires, equipment, and the loud sounds heavy metal working. It wasn¡¯t a natural formation but something drilled or blasted. A layer of smog that smelled of chemicals intensified with every step forward. As they rounded a corner he heard the distant clink of what had to be hundreds of pick axes.

    ¡°Now surely a former King can appreciate our ambitions,¡± the lady called, stepping in front of him.

    She wore a clean white lab coat that looked brand new, held a clipboard, and had a patch pocket full of pens partially hidden under wild long red hair. She was wearing heels so high they put her on equal footing to Simon. Her long nails descended towards Edward¡¯s eyes, and he closed them scared.

    ¡°Common look at this, don''t be shy,¡± she cooed, unlocking the face mask constricting his vision.

    ¡°Zaaap!¡±

    They stood on the edge of a cliff lined with red tape that wasn¡¯t protecting anything from failing. Simon held Edward over the edge by the ropes on the back of his straitjacket. The cavern here was ginormous, and fell several hundred feet to the little lights below. Edward squinted and realized there might be a million humans working just like ants at a bigger scale.

    ¡°This is where our common prisoners toil, and guess what you ain¡¯t nobody anymore,¡± she cackled.

 66: Zillion Crystal Sadist

    The zeppelin fleet reached cruising altitude. Killin Hood relaxed with his feet propped up while reading a newspaper. The lounge''s onboard small oval room was full of no smoking signs and limited furniture. His lab was bookmarked behind the case of aluminum secret entry to a pressurized room. Also aboard was the pilots cabin plus their chambers then the king-size bedroom company store was in another section that served dessert. This ship was fully loaded.

    He set down the entertainment to finish the plotting for the rapidly approaching incoming bash of a wedding. After the hostile takeover of the kingdom was completed royal skulls would be hacked as the victory lap. And finally there would be a wedding between the last two royals remaining and after the procedure he happened to be one.

    ¡°Let¡¯s see what am I missing?¡± wondered Killin Hood, stroking his comically chiseled jaw.

    So far his list:

    <ol>

    <li style="font-weight: 400">Mail invitations to the baddest beings with the biggest body counts on the planet. (Done).</li>

    <li style="font-weight: 400">Book a big band swing, and swingers. (check).</li>

    <li style="font-weight: 400">A massive wedding cake composed of sugar, spice, and evil ingredients. This one was tricky because a cake that large needed to be baked by a specialty baker, and there was only one on the entire planet, but they would only bake with good ingredients.</li>

    <li style="font-weight: 400">Take the baker¡¯s family hostage until they comply with my demands (easy).</li>

    <li style="font-weight: 400">Prepare the royal feast of the last of the frozen meat that me and the boys have hunted to extinction making it super desirable and fancy by accident. </li>

    <li style="font-weight: 400">Get decor like the cut off heads of the slain royals on spikes for decoration, while the most famous of them remaining would be stuffed just like all his other prize critters. </li>

    <li style="font-weight: 400">Get the one of a kind ring for my precious. </li>

    </ol>

    ¡°Mmmm what else?¡± he thought, lounging deep in the chair while the thoughts continued flying at him.

    There was something else that was needed to complete the wedding. Damn his mind was still foggy after the heart transplant, but he knew he was missing something very important. Farc he should have written it down. If only being boss of the Killin company didn¡¯t require working for 3,4500 hours a week.

    The door slid aside, and the former Queen Elizabethy entered automatically. She lumbered forward with her jet-pack removed in order to not blow up the zeppelin in a misfire. She was in a trance like slumber. Killin Hood had to stop himself rising to greet her due to the filled fluid tubes hidden under his suit tying him to the chair.

    ¡°Alas dear we have another thing in common being two medical experiments,¡± he said, adjusting the blood bag hung on one side of him.

    She remained silent. A slack-jawed face painted with a fresh coat of makeup, and her tits barely holstered. He looked her over with the intensity of a hungry predator licking his lips and finding them dry, finally he stuck a finger into a small leak dripping from the bag. Now they both had bright red lipstick.

    Killin Hood flicked the half empty rainbow colored drip on the other to make sure it was working.

    ¡°This Killin Company super-vitamin drip has magic ingredients that will have me recover from the operation in record time baby. One of many amazing creations brewed and bottled by my main witch and it¡¯s the shit,¡± explained Killin Hood, practicing his advertiser voice for when he would inherit the kingdom''s supply chains for his own devices.

    ¡°Are you thinking what I''m thinking?¡± he asked, before beckoning to her by blowing a dog whistle.

    She remained silent, but started giving him a lap dance. He sunk back in the aluminum recliner covered with furs and sighed feeling like the man. He slapped her with the firm but playfulness of a master. He reached for the coffee table and knocked off his mug while his sausage fingers searched in vain for the remote to his toy. He didn''t find what he was looking for and started growling feeling up the crevices on the recliner instead of his bride. His lab came alive and matched his tone from the other room while his socks got wet inside his sandals from the spilled liquid.

    ¡°GRRR! Of fucking course I forgot to turn off the timed industrial blender in the mini laboratory,¡± he raged, pushing her off him with his whole face turned red like a tomato.

    A bell dinged and the fingers hit their target as the blending stopped.

    ¡°Ahh,¡± he cried gleefully, holding the remote to his bride and clicking unmute.

    ¡°Wanna date?¡± she blurted.

    ¡°No, there won¡¯t be any more courting here dear and our love at first sight is stronger for that. This will be a shotgun wedding because you are already mind controlled forever,¡± he said, rising.

    ¡°Got any crystals?¡± she asked, playing with his rock hard codpiece of the same materials. The story has been taken without consent; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.

    ¡°Yes hahaha zillions of them. Ahem well some of them are yours for now but once we are married we will share the entire stockpile together,¡± he said, pressing the forward button a few times to draw her closer.

    Killin Hood began to stroke her unloving face up-close while the makeup ran away from him. A massive tear escaped from the duct of a TV eyed cyborg woman. It fell on her captor who looked up in surprise.

    ¡°Awww what¡¯s wrong honey,¡± he smiled below a large mustache creepily pricking her peach fuzz.

    He caught the tear cupped in his hands and drank it and suddenly the thought that had evaded the hunter all night charged into his crosshairs.

    ¡°That¡¯s it we need some booze.. I gotta call my witch again to make sure she had that tanker full of juice captured.¡±

    ¡°I want crystals not schlock,¡± said Elizabethy, stomping down her foot threatening to pop the vessel.

    Her fiance loudly clicked the mute button and sent her to the corner to wait on pause.

    ¡°It''s a shipment of jungle juice we were after dear, and It better have been successfully taken by my goons. You see that shit is rarer than super cracked crystals the going extinct dwarves manufacture,¡± he said, looking sternly around the room for answers.

    His lab emerged from the shadows on four paws with something in its mouth. The beast dropped a slimy banana in the master''s lap. It circled the feet before lapping up the spilled milk.

    ¡°Ahh good boy I don¡¯t even have to whistle to you,¡± said Killin Hood, unwrapping the banana.

    He revealed a keypad in the fruity device and a terp crystal antenna popped out where the edible innards should have been housed. He started typing and it was ringing in no time. Isabella picked up on the other side with an enormous coughing fit. Killin Hood angled the loudness at his bride to be and mouthed a complaint she didn¡¯t care to understand.

    ¡°Sorry boss. Are you married yet I want to make it?¡± said Isabella, finally calming herself.

    ¡°No, I¡¯m calling to make sure that shipment of jungle juice I assume we captured awhile ago has started en route to our wedding ceremony,¡± he said. .

    ¡°Gulp,¡± replied Isabela.

    ¡°... Well Is it destroyed?¡± yelled KIllin Hood.

    ¡°I think so but maybe I can brew some mo¡­¡±

    ¡°NO counterfeit shit I want the real deal for my wedding, " he said, slamming the table. ¡°I guess you''re going on an expedition. So witch pack your bags,¡± he hissed.

    ¡°But I''m supposed to watch the fort and mines while you''re away,¡± she said.

    ¡°Those video feeds can be watched remotely if you bring your balls,¡± he said.

    ¡°Ok. I will fly to the desert first for a scout for the truck we had killed, and then head to the jungle if that tanker was drained during the firefight hehehe.¡±

    ¡°Good,¡± said Killin Hood.

    ¡°click/¡± the phone was hung up.

    Capital city was in disarray. After King Edward had disappeared after his mother the place was a mess. D.D.P. had broken up, and was suing each other for royalties, as well as who got to be King next. Roger had wanted the crown for himself so he was locked in the dungeon, and kicked out of the band. This severely stung the cannibal who vowed to get his revenge on the others.

    Luckily he had an agent in town. The secretive figure visited him in his dreams as an old hag who promised a lucrative solo career, and all that jazz. He had later found the key to his cell under his pillow after a wet dream. Now the cell door was open, the guards were dead, and Roger stalked the halls looking for a snack.

    The city streets were dead as the zeppelins circled like vultures overhead. Killin Hood¡¯s ship was the first to descend, docking without a shot fired. He unhooked the emptied medical bags to a new man. He grabbed his suitcases, and departed with his Queen and lab in tow.

    A loud four to the flour beat greeted him with applause of clapping guards and nobles waiting outside. The party turned into a parade through the streets as confetti rained. He did a two step by the bus stop where he kissed babies, and shook hands.

    The palace doors blew open, revealing an empty throne room. A massive crystal ball was hoisted to the ceiling, and an illuminated rug of squares was rolled across the floor. Killin Hood kept on dancing with his most talented henchman snapping into it behind him. He removed his tie, as somebody started break dancing in the background. There were girls covered in nothing but crystal dust rollerblading out of the shadows joining the action. The King to be boogied over to his Queen, and took her hands. After pressing her buttons she began to bust a move too.

    A record scratch cut the action off as soon as it had started. Roger stood in the doorway with an army of guards still loyal behind him.

    ¡°What is this shit! Who do you think you are?¡± he screeched.

    ¡°Sorry that you weren¡¯t invited, kid,¡± replied Killin Hood, dropping his bride''s hand.

    ¡°The rest of my family may have fled, but I''m gonna put a stop to this shame myself,¡± said Roger, cracking his knuckles.

    ¡°Boy don¡¯t you see your mommy right here, you''re gonna be my step-son soon.¡± laughed Killin Hood.

    ¡°Not if you''re dead. Knights and guards still loyal get him!¡± Roger commanded, pointing forward.

    The guards momentarily hesitated before they started inching forward with drawn weapons. Roger aimed his pistol at the grinning Killin Hood who remained undisturbed by it.

    ¡°Bang.¡±

    ¡°Pop!¡±

    An instant pink mist popped like bubble gum. The bullet was easily deflected by an automatic defensive bubble emerging from the cyborg Queen.

    ¡°Now it¡¯s time to breastfeed again you baby,¡± said Killin Hood,

    He pressed a button and the defensive field disappeared. He pressed another button and bra straps unlatched revealing two big guns.

    ¡°Bang,bang,bang,bang,bang,bang,bang,bang,bang,bang.¡±

    The barrels might have been flopping but the aim was steady as fuck. The party resumed raging while the dead remained on the dance floor. Queen Elizabethy¡¯s chest remained smoking a long time after being forced to slay her spawn.

 66.6: Madhouse

    The lights that hadn¡¯t yet blown out flashed cheaply. A hulking prison warden bulged with a body composed of thick muscles under a prison uniform with raggedly cut off sleeves and a name tag reading "Simon.¡± He had only one arm free and the giant struggled to finesse open the little lock on an iron gate entrance. His other arm was busy holding on to the thing slung over it. A broken crystal mutated man dressed in a straitjacket over black and white striped standard prisoner garb. He would have more than enough company in the mines they were headed for.

    Edward found himself held in the vice grip of the law as he struggled to breath. He was already practically comatose due to being only out of open heart surgery for 72 hours. He had few remaining long hairs moping down hallway after hallway while he was hauled by his feet. The walls were bald where everything looked identical inside the labyrinth of a facility under Killin Manor.

    The warden knew exactly where to go with each step of his colossal feet quaking underneath them both.

    "Phew those feet stink," said Simon, loudly snorting as he adjusted the cargo for a better grip while his stomach grumbled like a grizzly. "That reminds me I''m hungry¡± he finished, diverting course with sudden impulse.

    ¡°Hey you mindless savage, we gotta schedule to keep here remember we are being tracked by the big boss!¡± scolded the high heeled lady with a whipping shrill that resembled an old bell in a school cafeteria.

    The rumbling stomach whaling hunger pains overshot her authority. Simon danced forward in a lumbering trance, with bloodshot eyes twitching for a fix of nutrients. His massive chest was muscled out to the maximum with veins popping out, and his entire body glistened with sweat. He must have been juiced to the gills, and severely addicted to something strong that was wearing thin. A green trail of intoxicating scent led his nose on strings. He burst into the next room bypassing the key-card by brute force.

    ¡°Mmmm¡± Simon said, drooling on Edward¡¯s head who had already gotten moist from the sweet.

    Edward gagged involuntarily, but his stomach was empty. The funky scent carried them into a kitchen that was a mess. The chopping block was covered in maggots, sour bones, and the cleaver was rustier than a neglected bridge. The fridge was open, and everything was spoiled inside. The table was overturned with the stock family portraits smashed.

    Simon ignored this gruesome scene to head to a particularly spooky looking corner. There was a vintage vending machine lit up in the darkness all of sudden. It engulfed them with flashing while a catchy jingle was sung with talent. Then a circular thing started blinding him from the neon screen lit with a cartoon of some sort of contraption flying out of the atmosphere and rocketing towards space.

    Edward closed his eyes while he hung in place from his feet. The sound of change jingling began to tear into his eardrums.

    ¡°Clink, clunk, clink.¡±

    The coin slot sound repeated being filled until impatient slamming of the desired selection of product interrupted. Now loud gears rotated into commotion sending an aluminum can tumbling out the chute like Jack, and Jill.

    ¡°Let it rip!¡± Simon cried, picking up the drink.

    ¡°Clssssssooooonk,¡± cried the air escaping as the brute ignored the pull tab.

    He ripped open off the entire lid and started chugging. The gurgling stomach sounds only increased as the acids mixed with who knows what artificial chemicals. The name of the drink was numbskull_deathmetal, and the heavy liquid was sorta golden colored. The can size was XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXL!

    Simon chugged the concoction to completion and his brain was sent into maximum overkill. He raged at nothing before ripping out a toaster then toppled the fridge and crushed it underfoot. One of his diseased hands grabbed hold of the giant cleaver from the cutting board. He raised the blade, and went to strike. Edward tried to retract his head inside the straitjacket like a turtle, but was unsuccessful. The cleaver spun through the air with a hiss.

    "Smack!"

    It hit a target in the next room.

    ¡°Aaaaaahhaha, look at that bullseye,'''' Simon said, beating his pulsing chest like an ape, and feeling extra manly again.

    Simon paced the place finally feeling right again before eventually tweaking into another room. There Edward spotted the cleaver landed dead on the center of a dusty dart board. The shag pile carpet began to smoke while Simon zoomed back and forth. The liquid slowly flooded his brain until he shook in celebration. Simon''s face looked punch drunk, while he strutted forward with utter confidence.

    An hour horn burst into the room shaking it. A whip cracked the air finally calming down the giant by stunning him.

    ¡°Playtime over boys. It''s jail time now!¡± scolded the piercing voice towering overhead.

    The lady¡¯s heels had extended in the blink of an eye making stilts sharpened like switchblades. Her hair was red, lab coat spotless, and well worn jeans wrapped around thick thighs built like a junkyard crusher. She cradled an electric whip that sparked with a menacing hum looking super pissed off. .

    ¡°Crack!¡±

    The sparks flew out on extension that formed fake hearts circling above Edward¡¯s eyes. He was shocked into feeling normal as the freshly implanted heart of dubious quality kicked into proper gear again with the electric charge.

    ¡°Grrrr,¡± he growled like an animal in love.

    ¡°Alright it''s ok I got my thirst quenched for now, because the prisoner is weighing me down,¡± said Simon.

    ¡°Let¡¯s go slowpoke¡± barked the Lady like a chihuahua at them.

    Edward tried howling back at her like a wolf but due to his restraints it came out sounding like a muzzled dog. She cranked the electro device into turbo pile-driver mode and flicked the whip back. She cracked him comatose off the giants back and onto the floor. If you stumble upon this narrative on Amazon, it''s taken without the author''s consent. Report it.

    Simon retrieved the brain damaged madman and headed out the door. Edward¡¯s ears were ringing with reverberating tinnitus caused by a career as a musician. Her weaponized electromagnetic shrieks weren''t helping his head pounding from the surge of impacting gigawatts. The electricity surges through his reinforced crystal scaled body before kick starting his heart and rebooting his consciousness. Edward wasn¡¯t even on this planet anymore. He was a far out man.

    "Time to focus" Simon grunted, hunting for something new in his pocket.

    A gizmo pulled out a quarter the size of the man dangling near it. It was probably a tool of brutal torture, but being branded of the royal gossip rag was the raging clue that it was a scam. Simon activated a trigger, and a miniature robot dick unfolded. He vaped that shit straight into his lungs and blew the smog into the hallway like a smoke machine. The crystal light fixed to his miner helmet lit the filth coated walls while he hummed with pleasure.

    The first inmates they ran into tended toothbrushes scrubbing while more dressed in rags used the same materials to clean machinery. The color of their stained orange prison garbs matched the long hair of the Lady who continued prowling behind them like a cougar.

    Simon was shaking more, and more under the spell of the witch¡¯s experimental energy brew. His body jolted out of control, and boogied down a staircase. This area was the sketchiest place yet. The red hue from the emergency lights penetrated the dead dreary air. The prison party continued down the tricky path to navigate brick steps until eleven short floors later they reached what appeared to be the bottom.

    It was a trash room, and fenced from an alley exit. A set of three dumpsters had mostly finished decomposing the compost, and the floor was a puddle of mud. Simon struggled to wrangle the tiny key into unlocking the path. Lady jumped through the air and snatched it to save time.

    They walked forward again through an underground prison yard followed by a hot spotlight being trained on them. The dusty maroon carpeting looked like it had been dyed in many workplace accidents.

    A little further on the miners worked pickaxes on blocks, while their feet were shackled together. The prisoners covered in soot worked away while those too far gone with various stages of crystal mutations loitered around in chains waiting to die from overexposure. The mining carts functioned automatically on rails crunching away any debris. Air quality was terrible inside the dangerously thick haze of black lung. Edward coughed a fit, rocking him even deeper into submission.

    ¡°Let''s get this over with and get back upstairs for the reward,¡± said Simon, speed walking past a set of industrial conveyor belts hauling multicolored rocks to the surface.

    The walls were covered in a slick of dirty oil, and the entrance to the next area was marked cell block #69. There was a menacing looking slyman on duty holding a bully club outside the incoming stall of the showers. A skinny little old man held a valve and a pot bellied man dressed for executions held the fire hose.

    ¡°Thud!¡±

    Edward¡¯s noggin smashed a filthy toilet in a dead ended square bathroom. A pool of bloody water was in the center with a limp corpse face down in the center for company. He was wide awake by the ice cold brown sludge pooling on the floor. He felt the metal teeth of a discarded hacksaw tapping him over the shoulder, but unfortunately he was trapped in a soiled straitjacket and couldn¡¯t cut himself free without hands.

    ¡°Welcome to your final resting place,¡± announced Lady, slashing Edward with her razor sharp switchblade heels cutting away his bondage and shaved away the final piece of chest hair.

    With a wave of her hand she was gone, however the floor still clicked from the departing rhythm of her thunder thighs. Suddenly the water pressure hit him full on and kept picking up steam. Edward was in handcuffs getting cleaned for his crimes while loud filthy rock n roll was playing in the jukebox next door. A maniac was hitting the keys, the electric guitar had brought up two alternating twangs from the gutter, the bass was dirty, and the drums were swinging. The guitar got mean as a third note got added to the mix and screaming combined. While he struggled to stay alive his brother played ghost notes to him from beyond the grave.

    Edward was swinging sideways as the fire-hose got cranked to 11. The onlookers were in primitive bliss taping their feet to the beat while he was tortured. The-Ex emperor gritted a mouth that had been dethroned of most teeth as he slowly turned purple like a rare lobster. The water threatened to freeze him stone cold dead.

    ¡°MuaHahaha,¡± the group of henchmen including Simon cackled watching.

    Edward¡¯s brain was scratched up like an outlaw country record on a mudding muffin truck. Now he was drinking the jail water, and it tasted kinda soapy. He felt his consensus being hauled underwater into a pool hundreds of cut off feet deep. The skeletons of people drowned surrounded him from all sides floating round a basin. It suddenly developed a ripping current sucking him into whirlpool as it rapidly drained. His lungs filled with water as he was sucked down the void that was a dark drain of nothing.

    Edward sputtered and spit out a stream of water waking. It had become very sunny and the grass smelled sweet. The pavement was hot enough to cook an egg and it was cooking him while he lay limply on it. He pulled himself together in the middle of a street filled with parked Crystallacs reflecting a single sun. The houses were uniformly constructed in ordered suburbia. A few birds chirped, children screamed pretending a killer was on the loose, and the succulent smells of hot barbecues smoking cured meats drifted through.

    A baby was cackling in a stroller wheeled next to the cleanest car on the block. The woman dangled a pair of dice on strings. as four little hands snatched at the prize. She heard approaching leather shoes on the asphalt and cut off the tickling just as it had commenced. The two strangers stared at each other over convinced they were somehow very familiar with each other''s company.

    Back in the hot suburbs he was grilling moose meat. It was a treat from a man of the woods. The mosquitoes zapped by a flashy gadget hanging from the gazebo. In the crib a four armed creature gobbled the second dice. His spawn was a demon, and it needed a burping. His woman had the tongue of a snake, and began unpacking frozen meat from a cooler. .

    ¡°I brought your favorite from the basement just like you requested,¡± she said.

    The baby hissed as the father burped out clouds of toxic gas. Meanwhile the wife was dressed like a naughty witch and removing the fingers and toes from the garlicky marinade. The kid started throwing a tantrum. Its tendrils led to a mouth that looked just like a lobsters. It was crying to get a taste of the sweet meat cooking.

    ¡°Isn¡¯t summer great?¡± cried the mother, dropping a severed hand to embrace Edward''s.

    ¡°I love you beautiful,¡± he whispered, embracing behind her blouse with kisses.

    ¡°Behave yourself dear and eat your supper before it gets cold. We don''t want the neighbors reporting us for indecent exposure and becoming outcasts,¡± she scolded.

    Edward sat back on his lawn chair and ripped into the charred human flesh. The picture suddenly went blank while he was stoned into a coma. A whistle brought him back to the surface. Edward scales were cleaned and his pimples popped. A log hauler fetched him out of the river running down a dream. His cleaned body chained in a spotless cell. His heart barely kept him alive. The crystals sparked and dusted in his nightmares, but the threat was all psychological terror compared to the reality of being a heartless slave.

    Upstairs in her workshop Isabella watched her favorite new prisoner on her crystal ball on mute. She was multitasking on the phone to her gossip crew. They cackled as a full proof plan was hatched to guarantee jungle juice for the royal wedding. Everyone on the call was a witch, but Isabella was the boss of them all.

    The plan was hatched and she packed her magic sack full of tricks. At long last she sped out of the open ceiling on her battle broom. The first order of business was a flyover of the desert sandbox where shapeshifters played more than anywhere else. This mission was going to be dangerous, but she was overpowered and would sacrifice her bottom witches if she had to in order to complete it.

 67: Looter, Shooter, Scavenger

    A scavenger sweated profusely navigating the dunes underneath three blazing suns blasting the desert. Jed remained empty handed after breaking and entering into the last few shops of a western ghost town. He struggled on the outskirts to climb the sand flowing over a privacy fence. This gated residential had some of the fanciest homes ever seen. The unique dwellings no doubt designed and drafted by expensive architects before being built in competition among neighbors keeping up with each other.

    ¡°Ah this is the perfect place to loot,¡± exclaimed Jed.

    The good fortune unfortunately did not last long. In a fit of too much excitement he became distracted.

    ¡°Ooof.¡±

    Jed tumbled down the orange sand to a lawn smothered over by shifting soils. He fell on a supersized sandcastle resembling the capital city that flattened as it cushioned him. He was dredged out by gravity as the dune fell like a wave and the soil collapsed, eating up a cactus in the dust. Jed rolled away with lucky stars spinning overhead. He slumped onto the metal pillow of a flattened sheet of steel on the partially buried roof of a miniature garden shed.

    A little later he climbed to his feet with the help of a nearby rake. Jed coughed out sand in the direction of a full sized four car garage. He studied the rows of once identical looking buildings made unique by the level of wear and tear worn in by inclination weather. A road of flooded orange led to the end of the destroyed block that looked like it had been taken away by a tornado.

    There was no wind now with the remaining standing of suburbia dead quiet. The first dwelling he stood in the dooryard provided a good picture of what the neighborhood had once been. The four garage doors painted with numbers and the prizes behind them were waiting to be revealed. If he could find a working vehicle and liquid drums to store the jungle juice he could still make it in time to claim the reward.

    Jed chose garage door number 1. He groaned trying to pick it up, but it was locked up tighter than a bank after-hours. After further inspection it turned out the entire house including the reinforced front door was locked like a vault.

    ¡°Rats,¡± Jed mumbled to himself.

    He struggled over a medium rock-wall, and landed beside a dried out pool. The furniture had been eaten by the environment, and the pool house had collapsed under its own weight. Millions of strands of sand piled along the back of the big house covering the widows. He spotted a corner while most of the backdoor was buried.

    Jed limped along the ground as it gradually inclined. It was hard to climb when the unstable ground was constantly shifting underfoot so he went mountain goat mode. Next he grabbed hold of the trim, pulled himself parallel to the wall, and breathed heavily.

    The moment of rest was successfully completed. Jed groaned, and strained to climb wood shingling. His flailing legs sheared off the tops of the extremely sun bleached cedar siding, sticking his soles with staples in the process of climbing. His arm had grabbed hold of a tiny windowsill above and that anchored everything.

    Jed dangled desperately grasping for something better to hang onto. He shimmied over and successfully caught hold of the plywood screwed over the screen. The piece was anchored by large screws sticking out of all four corners. It began to groan under the weight, and started swaying. He fully lifted himself above the boards with a concentrated effort. A third floor window was directly overhead, and uncovered. He reached up, and ripped a hole big enough for two fingers to cram into the screen. His muscles strained slowly hauling his body onto the ledge too small to properly hold it.

    ¡°Grrrrr,¡± he said, sticking his head directly through the screen.

    One of his hands followed while the other remained anchoring. This window was locked, but it pried open with a little elbow grease. This port was round and stylized just like a seafaring vessel. Jed barely slithered his body through it. At one point he had almost given up hope, but persisted wiggling after a break in the action until he fell inside.

    Jed tumbled inside like a pair of dice. There was something slimy that cushioned his fall. He withered away in agony at coming into contact with something moist. He panicked trying to get off the slimy floor, but kept slipping back down.He jerked away and his eyes adjusted enough to make out a towel that smelled funky.

    The place was dark, hotter than concentrated ghost pepper, and smelled like raw sewage. Additionally it was humid enough to gag a hippopotamus. After struggling for an extended period of time like a clown he grabbed an empty towel rack. He pulled it out of the wall and himself up in one swift motion.

    After pulling up his fallen pants Jed fished his flashlight out of his back pocket, and shined some light on the area.The looting was going to have to be quick. His light lit a cracked mirror revealing a haggard reflection. He sifted the light to a bathtub full of excrement, and an overflowing toilet. The story has been taken without consent; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.

    He burst into the next room dry heaving down a hallway full of dressers. The ancient stained floor creaked like it was possessed. The ceiling was covered in cobwebs, speckles of black mold, and the wallpaper had flaked away from the cracking walls. The air reeked of mothballs and the smell of dry rot. There was however brand new windows and trim surrounding them.

    The door at the end of the hall screeched open revealing an attic. The place was a hoarders paradise full of stacked packages, hanging coats wrapped in plastic, and wires covered in plaster. Jed climbed over packed trunks and stacked bunks. He walked around a half wall to reach a metal door. He pulled out the bar of treated wood acting as a block and unlocked the bolt.

    The hinges screamed as light illuminated onto a metal catwalk screwed above a sprawling section of the building. The roof in this area was fitted by metal I-beams as were the walls. Jed inched forward testing for signs of weakness. The rusted grates loudly protested as he descended above the dark pit, and the railings had already fallen. He finally arrived at steep steps resembling a fire escape. The way down was slow going until he faced a rickety iron rung ladder.

    The flashlight bounced around the garage blurring objects. He could make out the guts of an abandoned project car littering a lift. A big block engine pulled out and was hooked to a swinging pulley dangerously close. The light bounced off a pool of oil leaking from a stack of barrels, a loose pile of disorganized tires, and a pile of mufflers full of holes.

    After testing the rusted ladder he slid the remaining distance to land on the hard concrete. A brand new ¡°Eval¡± branded welder greeted him.

    This sturdy device is built to last with a lifetime warranty, and has state of the art crystal rods lasting three times longer without having to reload. Let the sparks fly with two torches of professional quality! Order today and receive a golden royal themed welding mask while supplies last. DON¡¯T BE SORRY!

    ¡°Sweet. Well the only problem is figuring out how to carry it over to wield my vehicle fixed,¡± sighed Jed.

    The garage was cluttered with hanging tools, and hazardous objects. He stepped over the extended arm of an industrial jack onto a large square of sheet metal that thudded underfoot. The metal continued acting as a makeshift bridge over pink hydraulic fluid. The path turned directly under where he had been above was a sand sled hung by the pull rope. A dirty shelf was covered in parts including spare train axles.

    For the next several days everything was carried over one piece at a time. Even after figuring out a sand sled the work was painfully slow, but Jed was determined to complete the project on schedule. And finally today he had been welding away all day in the shade. The time was flying and he would be ready to leave tomorrow. The darkness was approaching the valley so tonight he would be burning the midnight oil.

    The desert was heating up as the last sun went down. A noisy gaggle of witches flew through the dry air cackling like geese. They escorted an airship with a hanging tow line, and a drop-ship loaded with supplies. The royal wedding between Killin Hood, and Queen Elizabethy was only a few hours away. The hustle was on to deliver the juice to fuel the celebration, and failure was not an option. Isabella¡¯s beady hawk eyes scanned the valley.

    ¡°Hehehe the jungle juice will soon be ours,¡± cried the boss Witch.

    The rest of them giggled on, while a murder of crows joined the fray alongside them. The music blasting from the fancy brooms was traditional evil folk.

    ¡°Let''s go witches,¡± they cried together, revving their brooms armed with hog tusks that functioned like flying bayonets.

    A flare of magma light lit the man welding away in the dark. He had successfully fashioned on new wheel-sets after jacking up the tanker. The new cab was welded together with sturdy scrap metal. Jed was almost ready to set sail wearing his armored helmet as it offered a visor with built in eye protection. He missed the changing vibes in the sky.

    A Halloween-like atmosphere engulfed the valley as bats joined the pack. The fog rolled into the ghost town with the hags where tumbleweeds blew through past the deserted vehicles. The big rig carrying a prized load of intoxicant was engulfed in green smoke.The dust whipped up a sandstorm, and a naked man ran for cover. The payday was in jeopardy of being seized out from underneath him.

    ¡°Hey this ain''t a ghost town I see people '''' she cackled, raising a wand.

    A big blast of fire rained onto the motel Jed ran towards. He was knocked back with a fiery hot explosion that burnt off his beard hairs. His body was thrown a distance and mind was disoriented, but his revolvers remained loaded. The looted bandelier slung across his chest had some ammo in reserve, but not enough to be comfortable.

    The motel exploded into a mushroom cloud as witches flew bombing runs nearby. Whatever was remaining of the boom town was rapidly exploding around him. The door of the big rig swung wide open, and Jed climbed behind the wheel on rails. He gave her the gas, and she steamed forward polluting the air.

    The witches followed in hot pursuit with their cackles amplified over their crystal balls functioning like sirens. The makeshift locomotive had reached max speed, while the airship cast a long shadow over it. The vehicle was on rails letting Jed have two hands available to wield revolvers. A witch dodged a bullet while another overtook her. He aimed directly at the hag supervising from the rear.

    ¡°Bang,Bang.¡±

    ¡°Pop!¡±

    Her witches cap had a hole in it, but she spit out a bullet caught with cheap bubblegum defensive bubble magic. Isabella aimed her wand in retaliation and shot a flare of blinding light from her fingers. Jed covered his eyes and was blinded by the powerful flash. The cackling intensified, as the truck began to shake out of control.. All he could do at this moment was keep the pedal stuck to the floor.

 68: Taking of Jungle Juice Tanker #123

    ¡°Hehehehe,¡± cackled the pack of witches, riding in hot pursuit on their brooms.

    Also joining the hunt following them was a large airship with a magnetic tow line dangling underneath and finally a dropship full of Killin company men. It was nighttime in the desert and they had zeroed in on their juicy target.

    The big rig continued steaming down the train tracks plowing the sand piles in the way aside with the custom plow. They chased it while the occupant blind fired at them from inside the cabin. Jed couldn¡¯t see anything due to some kind of flash spell penetrating the visor with the witches'' cackles reverberating in his stinging cranium with enough lights to start a rave.

    He knew his dual wielding revolvers needed a refilling. It was a good thing the vehicle was zooming on rails. He could keep the pedal stuck to the floor without worrying about steering anywhere. He was trying to pull out bullets, dropping some in his lap. Jed¡¯s vision came back a blurry monotone sapped of color. His guns spun open, and he filled them from his bandolier one bullet at a time. He had just enough handy to fill all six holes with sleight of hand.

    He checked the only remaining side mirror to catch a witch in the blind spot. Jed shifted lower, putting alotta strain on the engine. The truck revved and the witch closing the distance took a face full of smoke from the stacks rolling magma burn. She sputtered off into a coughing fit before the broom stabbed into a billboard throwing her off onto the ground with a crunch. Jed¡¯s brief chuckles were cut short by three more crones descending parallel to the truck.

    ¡°Hehehe,¡± they cried, aiming warty winds sparkling with dark demon energies in the moonlight.

    He ducked as the vehicle thrashed. There were objects in the way of the tracks hitting and splintering the debris from something ahead blowing sky high and raining over the tracks. While stuff continued falling onto the reinforced cab of the speeding vehicle he shifted into sixth gear. Jed aimed across the seat through the passenger with his free arm.

    ¡°Bang."

    The bullet flew directly into the witches mouth who had blown a bubble of gum.

    ¡°Pop?¡±

    A fast moving piece of leaded crystal had been stopped by a miniature blown pink protective bubble. The witch in question cackled and showed off a fresh package for protective crystal chewing gum. She blew another bubble that vaporized half of the extended side mirror from the vehicle using the mini force-field.

    Jed rolled up the scrap metal window and reached for unworn pieces of his advanced armor on the passenger floor. He missed the emergency sign placed between the crosstracks and labeled ¡°DANGER!¡±

    ¡°Crash!¡±

    The big rig plowed through heavy objects blocking the tracks. Jed jumped in his seat being smashed around as the axles jumped off the rails The cabin rang with an amplified screech of pain that rang his ears like a bell as he crashed.

    One of the pursuing witches'' bubbles burst and she planted face first into one of the boxes. The hidden anvil inside rang out her demise. The tracks were filled with all sorts of mysterious wooden containers breaking apart from the barreling tanker. There must have been a million splinters flying through the gaps in the chicken wire welded over the front windows.

    Isabella the boss witch blew the highest above the action and had the biggest bubble yet forming a shell around her head. She sped ahead vaporizing box after box in one row of the five utilizing her magic wand. There were confetti explosions, special effects, crystal shards, red shells, golden rings, and dead things shot from the destroyed containers. The reinforced cab soaked most of this damage because she was being extra careful not to spill the tanker.

    The path forward was cleared away with witchcraft. The sparks flew onto the front of the vehicle''s grill while the magnetic line descended from the sky. The airship above had been struggling to keep pace until the hazardous boxes had slowled the truck. Its container rumbled from the pull of the magnate locked onto its target with its invisible magic enabling the airship to slowly gain ground.If you spot this narrative on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

    Jed swung out of the driver''s seat fully armored. It was going to take a crack shot to disable that cable and save his ass. He aimed trying to get the perfect angle, but moving things never offered sure shots. He took too long on the first attempt with his hand beginning to shake so he pulled out the other one.

    ¡°Bang.¡±

    His left hand aim was false. The remaining witches mocked him for it with intensified cackling as the magnetic cable psychically connected in the rear. The sparks showered the sides of the tracks while the airship was whisked through the air out of control due to the truck''s momentum. The thrusters couldn''t fully counteract the locomotion, but the front axles were pulled off the tracks.

    The tanker bucked like a bull, and slammed back down like an Orca. The turbulence knocked the guns to the floor and his seat belt threatened to strangle Jed while avoiding throwing him out. The vehicle had been slowed like an anchor thrown off a boat. There were at least six witches remaining drawing close. one blew a fresh bubble and two gums burst midair.

    ¡°Bang, Bang, Bang.¡±

    They weren¡¯t laughing anymore with only three of the hags remaining. It was the boss witch Isabella, and the two cronies riding lower. She flew upwards while removing a checklist from her purse, checking off a mark, and gaining altitude encased within a massive pink protective bubble.

    Meanwhile the tanker creaked to a complete stop. The engine,frame, and occupant cried as it was picked off the tracks into the air. The magma thrusters on the big towing airship marked ¡°REPO¡± were working in overdrive to lift the big rig into empire control. The smaller drop ship had already started dropping in troops on lines to get boots on nearby ground.

    Jed took cover behind the tint provided by the stained glass windows he had refashioned from a fancy building. The available options for escaping alive were running out. He could only quickly think of as much as his remaining bullets. It was time to decide to run, hide, or fight.

    ¡°Time to move in and secure the perimeter,¡± said one of the soldiers pointing at his squad.

    ¡°Yes sir,¡± they called, splitting into a spearhead formation.

    The troops crept forward in sandy camouflage carrying silenced rifles. The lights of the drop ship lit up the big rig lifted high above them in addition to their strobe lights. The desert looked deserted as they passed a cactus on fire.

    ¡°Target spotted!¡± cried a soldier aiming.

    ¡°Twuk,whunk,whack.¡±

    The silenced rifle connected with a body that jumped, and fell behind a ridge. The soldier extended a hand high into the air, and pointed to a massive rock formation.

    ¡°I saw something up there sir,¡± he confirmed.

    ¡°Hey Witches up there, we spotted something on that massive pile of rocks to your left. Can you go and check it out? over, and out,¡± said the voice over the crystal ball mounted to the broomstick.

    ¡°Hehehehe,¡± shrieked the 2nd in control witch on the crystal call who was admin.

    ¡°Creeeeeeeeak.¡±

    She slowly opened the door to the big rig hauled through the air.

    ¡°Bang,Bang.¡±

    ¡°Pop!¡±

    The witch¡¯s crystal bubble gum blocked the shots. She began to involuntarily laugh at how much her opponent pathetically sucked. She continued chuckling in delight at the embarrassing performance and the bubble finally popped.

    ¡°Bang.¡±

    The final shot sent her to the ground already long limp and dead before impact. The last crony witch looked around suspiciously on the other side of the vehicle and couldn¡¯t see what was going on. She checked her crystal ball after seeing her sister being blown away.

    ¡°Drats,¡± she cried, shaking a fist to the sky.

    The big rig¡¯s door burst open smacking her in the ass. Jed jumped out and joined her aboard the broom in a jacking. She revved the flying object with bristles on the end and an accelerator that twisted upwards like an outboard motor on the handle. It zipped, zigged and zagged through the sky narrowly avoiding the drop ship.

    Jed tried to hit her off but she ducked, knocking off her cap revealing a buzz cut. The broom was speeding back towards the smoldering wreckage of the ghost town. Jed heard the bubble beginning to form as her gums loudly smacked with a smirk showing pink. The incoming force-field was going to vaporize him if he didn¡¯t act fast. At the last minute he saw the fresh package hanging from her purse and snatched a piece of it for himself. He chewed, and chewed the gum like there was no tomorrow. He might have quit dipping but his jaw was still extremely well trained. He began to blow as both of them blew out bubbles at the same time.

    ¡°POP!¡±

 69: Rollerball

    The throne room was trashed and trashy music rumbled on the other side of the walls. The dead bodies still waited to be removed after Roger and anybody loyal to him had hit the floor last night murder by Killin Hood. The DJ kept the crowd cool with some funky nu-metal screamo. The very last bottles of jungle juice gingerly popped open with the celebratory promise of more being delivered soon. The thick purple syrup inside was poured into royal limited edition straw cups and slurped up by the nu-nobles.

    ¡°Honey, you gotta meet some of my soldiers slash showgirls rollerballing in here,¡± cackled Killin Hood, sliding to her side on urethane wheels.

    Cyborg Queen Elizabethy the 13th had previously gunned down Roger via remote control. She remained muted by the same device that functioned as a leash carried by the man soon to take the title of King. The DJ switched to a classic disco cut,and began to spin in another record with a finesse groove. Everyone had strapped on roller skates as blades were banned at their wedding. They spiraled around the pulsing rink as the bass dropped and the drink started to take effect. The naked girls spray painted in gold surrounded the King and Queen of the disco who kissed.

    It was morning and toilet paper hung from the chandeliers and draped off the open balcony. It smelled like a sweaty skunk had rolled around to some funk. A lowly jester swept the floor humming to herself underneath a face mask containing air crystals. It was hard work cleaning up after the royals, but somebody had to step up or the kingdom would fall apart. She grunted, lifting yet another pair of soiled panties into the trash can with the end of the broom. It was just another day at the office and only a fool would ever think of rebelling against authority. The only other person here still alive wobbled on the top of a ladder while he painted over the famous art commissioned of the previous King puffing a hookah and covered in crystals. He painted on a massive K composed of different types of camouflage on each arm and leg of the typography. It was woodland, desert, urban, and snow representing the tundras the kingdom controlled.

    ¡°Does this thing work¡­ testing,¡± screeched an amplified voice traveling from far outside.

    ¡°Yes, your majesty, you sound very much like a king,¡± cried the gathering of Bootlickers, clasping their sensitive fish ears that worked partly off echolocation.

    ¡°That¡¯s because I am a King,¡± boomed Killin Hood.

    ¡°Better than King you are the supreme emperor,''"they stammered.

    ¡°That¡¯s right, now it''s time to take a break and have lunch with my wife¡±, he said.

    ¡°MMMMMM,¡± cried the three toadies getting to their knees, licking their lips, and eyeing the clubbed baby seal skin boots worn by their new master.

    ¡°Fuck off,¡± Killin Hood scolding pushing them out of the way and clearing over the drumset, grinding on the stage monitor, and jumped off the stage.

    He began roller skating down the red carpet that rolled the length of the massive arena. A leprechaun technician rigged the lights on the ceiling, while another serviced the grand piano torn open for servicing. Backstage a half dozen divas were acting mean girls clawing each other like cats.A few million empty seats of the coliseum would soon be roaring with applause for the most baller marriage ever conceived.

    The three suns scorched at noon underlying ground sand filled with bones. The sweat ran from the burnt faces of the burnt constructors of a gazebo in a corner. The concentrated heat had already killed 50 workers, and 569 animals (including slaves). The super sunscreen rationed out that cost him a fortune and and must have stolen it for profit so he got rid of it.

    The ruler had three days before being officially crowned. The arches covered in pretty flowers had gone sour and one had even caught on fire. A flatbed truck had entered through the main gate carrying the replacement ginormous crystal disco ball that was big enough to wreck the place once it was mounted to an industrial crane to cast the festival in colors.

    ¡°Now where''s my pretty thing gone, I¡¯ve got so much crystal she will have an overdose,¡± he laughed to himself walking into a shady tunnel.

    The path lined with torches led deeper underground. A malnourished rat tried to run for cover, but was crushed underfoot on the wet floor.Unauthorized duplication: this narrative has been taken without consent. Report sightings.

    ¡°HAha.¡±

    The lights dimmed. Killin Hood approached an ancient door made of glowing runes carved in gold and crystals adjourned in spirals. He pushed open the entrance using the hole drilled through the lock, and entered the guts underneath the arena. Here straw covered much of the ground of the sprawling place filled with cages containing tigers, lions,bears, but the biggest was empty. In another section the skeletons of boats sunk when the arena had been flooded were in various stages of repair for the next round.

    He kept on past the matted lion that roared, and the howling monkeys swinging from tires nailed to telephone poles in their domed cage. A growling in Killin Hood¡¯s stomach mixed with the thousands of hungry growls emitting further down the block. The next door creaked open into the dark groans, moans, and shrieks.

    ¡°Now there you are dear, I thought he somehow regrew your brain and escaped my clutches,¡± he called.

    This underground area resembled a sprawling slaughterhouse mixed with a prison complex. The zombies were rotting chained by the thousands in little pig pens. They were dressed in the same crappy armor worn when they first competed in gladiatorial shows alive. The air smelled ranker than any battlefield and maggots ran wild everywhere the eyes dared look. The vermin ran across the floor with other scavenging animals at the light of his flashlight. Killin Hood had to take a break for a few dry heaves.

    Queen Elizabethy the 13th stood in the center of it all, feeding the horde from the palm of her hand. They also licked her attached chainsaw while her dress was a bloody mess, and her hair was worse than the nearby stripper zombie. Several empty five gallon buckets surrounded her while the zombies that could reach them licked them clean. A fresh bucket popped open revealing that it was filled with guts. She lifted out a fresh brain and swatted away the dead chick with no manners. Her fingers started to sink into the gooey gray matter that sploshed onto her fiance''s suit. He brushed it onto the floor and pulled away his leg as a mouth chomped at his feet. Meanwhile she held out her hand and began to feed the next in line.

    ¡°Grrr,¡± grumbled Killin Hood following, punching away anything too close for comfort with his studded crystal knuckles.

    He pulled the remote control out of his other pocket and had her throw the meat away. She turned and hobbled back to him as the zombies fought among themselves.

    ¡°I must keep my subjects happy,¡± she said.

    ¡°It¡¯s ok dear, I''ve got a very special present for you to follow my lead,¡± he said, dropping the device, and taking her hand.

    ¡°Smack!¡±

    An armored zombie knight painted white had tried to come between them and gotten his face bent in. She helped him by kicking the severed head into a basket with her roller blades.

    ¡°Nice shot,¡± said Killin Hood, taking her arm as they walked out the door.

    The elevators were tricky to find and took them almost an hour to locate. It turned out they were hidden in the underground parking garage filled with muscle cars outfitted for death races. The bell rang and he opened the metal gate like a gentleman. They rolled inside and looked at the rocks behind the glass window. Killin Hood pressed the button for the arena''s royal penthouse apartment, and balcony. The elevator began to rumble as it quickly climbed out of the dark basement, and then through the roof of the lobby. Soon they could see the grounds being worked on by an army sized crew, and even above the smaller walls of the coliseum to the surrounding capital. A giant K had been constructed and his, and her giant statue had begun at the feet.

    ¡°That¡¯s our new logo baby for Killin company,¡± he bragged.

    ¡°Ding!¡±

    The elevator had arrived, and they rolled inside. The penthouse is a massive rectangle with another the same side hung outside. A king size dining table able to seat a hundred filled with fancy food. Outside there was a glass swimming pool where you could see the games while cooling off. A canopy could be rolled over the entire thing to keep away the heat. The water was manipulated by the wind as they stepped on the deck, and looked down.

    The screeching of wheels that needed lube interrupted them. A covered box was rolled toward them by three golden girls skating behind it.

    ¡°Now here''s the main course specially made for your love,¡± he said.

    The cover was lifted revealing a fuzed massive combination of every crystal that sparkled. A card in front of it revealed that it had won a certification for biggest and most valuable ring ever at an over 1 zillion value. The Queen was speechless while she bent to inspect it.

    ¡°Oh my bad dear,¡± said Killing Hood, unmuting her again.

    She started licking the ring in ecstasy and stroking it with her free hand.

    ¡°Watch out you''re going to scratch it,¡± he scolded, holding back her chainsaw. ¡°Sigh no brains let me put it on you,¡± he said, pushing her buttons.

    Killin Hood struggled trying to lift the massive ring. Eventually he controlled her into opening the clasp and wrapping the hoop around her waist. It perfectly fit her hourglass figure as he locked it shut. It functioned sorta like the biggest belt buckle ever made. A set of controls were built in to work the powers housed within the sparkling ultra rare legendary one of a kind object.

    ¡°I think I love you,¡± she blurted.

    "Well I would hope so, it''s a good thing that you haven''t gotten too big or small on me and it fits like a glove," he cooed, stroking her hair turned white while she stroked her wedding ring.

 70: Downward Spirals

    ¡°Click,Click,click,click,click.¡±

    The massive vault filled to the brim with money and counting units all mixed and sorted around the big automatic crystal grading machine that occupied the majority of the space. The underground operation buried in the heart of the capital city far below the streets where leprechauns worked like ants carrying sacks to feed the noisy processing machine. Killin Hood surveyed the cavern with an eagle eyed stare from behind a sheet of clear defensive crystal. A Slyman guide bowed the green salute behind him.

    ¡°You are the man future king. The book calls your name, it knows all,¡± said the guide in a gravely tone, bowing.

    The slyman dressed in traditional furs and knitted jacket switched it up to the orange salute for a second. He resumed slurping pork dumplings in gravy sauce from a wooden bowl with the formalities out of the way.

    ¡°Yes I''ve come to check the books,¡± said Killin Hood, adjusting his polka dotted tie,flicking a bug off his pinstripe suit, and ash from his cigar in the other hand.

    ¡°Gulp,¡± said the plump Slyman eating the launched insect in his lunch. "MMM. Yes sir, right this way and by the way the names Larry,¡± he said, extending a hand.

    Killin Hood grabbed the funny boned fingers with a firm grip that constricted like a snake rapidly becoming more uncomfortable.

    ¡°Crunch!¡±

    He snapped off Larry¡¯s brittle little fingers like a lobster biting off the claws of another.

    ¡°Lets go chop, chop,¡± ordered Killin Hood, clapping his white gloved hands.

    ¡°Rude,¡± stammered Larry, while otherwise seemingly unaffected, finishing the strapping of a mining helmet with his remaining hand.

    ¡°Oh come on we both know your kind rapidly regrow,¡± said the man.

    They continued further on without conversation. The long and tough Slyman beard draped the cavern floors, cleaning it for them to walk while his headlamp lit the spooky door knobs seldom turned in the dusty corridor.

    Killin Hood walked behind, still not crowned. Less than 48 hours remained for that, and the many more surprises waiting in store. The honeymoon would be a zeppelin trip to the waterfall at the edge of the flat planet, and a smooching secession in the tropics. After that it would be time to rule.

    Killin Company was about to revolutionize the kingdom of humanity and liberate the serfs from being unable to buy his things for sale. The first order of business was taking a count of the royal reserve bank. The second was taking out some loans, and using the resources offered by the kingdom''s propaganda department to combine them with his company''s most shameless advertising executives. In secret he would also be kicking off an explosive chain of events under the table. It was all leading to a wartime economy and many multiplying of profits in his namesake.

    He had so many years of maniacal fantasies to accomplish with the power now held. So much conquering of the planet including the unexplored and the work required to form the armies of explorers required. And time was running out to hatch the evil schemes to extend his life before he became too old. Society needed a strongman to whip it forward leaping into an advanced age he would otherwise not see before he died. So his company would single underhandedly force the clock on crystal technology forward. A big part of that would be his spies working overtime within the ranks of the elves to steal their advanced technology secrets.

    They entered a dim room except for the blue glow of something faintly magical. A winding torch lit path of rocks led past dripping waterworks. A cave of bats, echos, and a far drop into a black void in the circular cavern. A dead end buried deep within the maze-like walls of the underground banking system.

    ¡°Here the great book crunches expenses,¡± said the Slyman guide, saluting the table it sat upon with his hand already half regrown.

    The book took up a family sized dinner table set with two chairs, and a third rotting in disrepair. Its pages are filled with many magical details written in red and black ink. A breeze interrupted blowing out of seemingly nowhere, and snuffing the candles that coated the whole operation in various layers of wax. The underside of the tables now also flashed alive in glow in the dark ink.

    ¡°Oh powerful book, how much profit is my kingdom set to net next quarter?¡± said Killin Hood.

    A lighter light emerged glowing underneath table cloth basking the room in blood red.

    ¡°You are in deep debt. The Elves can liquidate you whenever they have enough forces mustered at their disposal,¡± announced the mysterious voice.

    In a rage Killin Hood threw back the table cloth revealing an empty underside beneath.

    ¡°Drats¡± he raged, ripping off the white flowered stitched cloth.

    He stood and held it for a second while he stroked his chin with the other hand. He was sinking into deep thoughts that only a genius like him could hope to decipher. In the background the Slyman dumped whatever remained of the hot bowl of soup down his gullet. Killin Hood blew his nose on the tablecloth.

    ¡°Hey you!¡±

    His cold scolding voice dumped the last scalding hot drops of soup onto flesh and fleece.

    ¡°Yooow!¡± Larry screamed in surprise, knocking off his traditional fur hat on the low part of the ceiling.

    ¡°Hahaha now the guide will show me the vaults of crystal not in this book.. I know that someone knows the location of the royal vaults,¡± said Killin Hood, struggling to grab hold of Larry¡¯s fat neck between his two strangling hands.

    He was also unable to lift this target for extra intimidation like usual.This story has been taken without authorization. Report any sightings.

    ¡°Where is the Queen''s secret vault of crystals hidden?¡± He growled, struggling to snap the Slyman¡¯s neck.

    ¡°I don¡¯t know, I don''t know. Please I have a family,¡± wheezed Larry, struggling for every word.

    ¡°Shhh fool,¡± said Killin Hood, silencing the pleas by applying additional pressure in a sleeper hold.

    The future King shifted into another wrestling position and then started swinging. The gray creature born in swamps and with clay like skin thrashed on the crystalized ground. Now Larry was taking a beating like a punching bag.

    ¡°Where is it?¡± demanded Killin Hood, pounding his face in.

    ¡°Ask the Queen I¡¯m afraid only she knows the map to all of them,¡± croaked Larry, from somewhere in a very dented noggin.

    Killin Hood further released his death grip and left the body limp.

    ¡°Ahh so there¡¯s a map to the vault somewhere thanks, I bet my brainless wife won''t remember where she put it of course,¡± he said, rubbing his hands together in the departing power walk.

    Killin Hood adjusted his polka dots back in the cool hallway full of cobwebs. He took a turn in the dim torchlight towards the growing sound of the official inventory recounting. He was gonna pilfer the kingdom''s official funds to himself exactly by the book. And it turns out wartime was the perfect time to give himself big military contracts so that was also happening.The kingdom would tank so much risk and his Killin company would assume virtually no responsibility for anything if it went sour.

    He strode into the well lit room with the big crystal counter running loudly. The leprechauns worked the same clear crystal glass he stood on while others counted cash. They ignored his presence and continued their counting, while above big letters had hit an automatic count of 357,009,789 in roman numerals.

    ¡°Hello leprechauns,¡± said Killin Hood, grabbing hold of the shoulder of one who had wandered in too close.

    The rest of the workers froze from their jobs.

    ¡°Things around here are going to change,¡± said the new bossman.

    ¡°Clink.¡±

    ¡°Go on son it¡¯s all yours,¡± finished Killin Hood, sounding coins in the purse with the end of a clubbed baby seal skin boot.

    The leprechaun at his feet cautiously opened the drawstrings revealing a bunch of gold coins..

    ¡°They are all yours buddy, in exchange for favors I''m about to seriously improve all your lives,¡± said Killin Hood, slapping the little back hard enough to do permanent damage.

    It was at the end of the block, 3-o''clock the dead of night. The empire entered rumbling armored construction machines driven by knights tore up any gardens and lawns that crossed their paths. They woke up the dead the noise pollution was so high. They were driving besides the empty lot of the house previously demolished by the same forces. They have come to finish the job and the leg of a crushed gnome stuck out from the wheels of a backing backhoe. The bulldozers whipped up clouds of dust as they effortlessly plowed away with no debris slowing them. The demolition derby destroyed the residences, while many lawns and garages had caught fire. The highway traffic continued on in the background as usual undisturbed all throughout the nocturnal hour.

    As planned the fire department waited behind the gate for the orders to put it out when there would be no homes to go back to. The operation continued while the nesting birds squawked with fierce abandon at being forced from their homes. The road rumbled being torn apart by the heavy machinery that could not be stopped. An excavator rolled on tracks while three more planted behind it and began to dig up trees and shrubs.

    The first of three suns was only just lifting itself over the remaining shanty houses in leprechaun town. The buildings were rapidly becoming extinct as they bounced on flimsy foundations losing the last remaining shingles. A dislodged drain pipe dented the roof of a solitary garden shed sitting in the rubble, but avoiding trouble so far.

    ¡°Poof!¡±

    A Farc portal ripped open inside the abandoned garden shed. Three figures tumbled out of a vortex landing on a wet bag of manicure that cushioned their fall. The dead were animated and they coughed. A boney hand reached out and pulled upwards the connected skeleton kitted in Elven plotting armor. Additionally two stitched together zombie leprechauns who wheezed like accordions left for an extended period in 100% humidity. They slapped each other fighting over unfastened parts of their stitched together and trousers that had come loose in the travels.

    The tiny building rumbled, shaking items loose, and breaking apart clay pots with falling hoes.

    ¡°Oh I know where we are home,¡± barked Ratom, screwing back in an eyeball.

    ¡°Where''s that again?¡± asked Mickey, hacking for breath after fitting in his set of teeth.

    ¡°Yeah where are we at anyhow? Asked Nancy, feeling her way off the piles of compost.

    ¡°Thwonk!¡±

    She blindly stepped down onto a rake taking to the face, slashed apart the wooden handle of the tool attached to her skull, and continued feeling forward. The little building they were trapped inside shook like it was going out of style, and the roof started squeaking and crying like a raccoon in heat. The whole thing bounced from the foundation and tumbled sideways knocking everything and anything under the roof loose, and smashing it together in a clumping mess like a washing machine in cycle. The garden shed surfed down a freshly dug trench, while rocks whizzed past and objects flew out.

    ¡°Smash,bang,crash,¡± it was lights out for the party.

    Sometime later Ratom opened his eyes to see out through the open floor long left in the dust. The sand surfing shed was slowing to a crawl, and the other two were still out cold. Well they had plenty of time to rest now at least he thought, throwing off a heavy set of clippers that had almost clipped his neck. A set of lights beamed across the gravel as knights in tactical armor searched the premises. Ratom ducked back behind cover, and zipped his mouth that had been previously stitched together by Nancy shut. The shed was dark as the flashlights moved to another quadrant.

    ¡°I can¡¯t believe Edward sent me away from him, I should have never let him trick me away from getting my revenge,¡± fumed a deeply smoked voice from somewhere in the dark pits of the reanimated skeleton.

    The shed groaned in frustration and tilted on a knife''s edge. Its occupants were thrown into the deep end and covered in debris.

    ¡°Farc it we are back in the thick of it, right back in our hometown being torn down,¡± stammered Mickey.

    ¡°Good thing the dead don¡¯t need homes to sleep then,¡± said Ratom.

    ¡°Enough, we need to figure out where to go guide me zombie leprechauns back to Edward to finish him,¡± cried Nancy, her bones popping as she tried to take a stand.

    That was the final straw that sent the small building falling again. It picked up speed and shot out of the neighborhood through a trench in the woods. On the outskirts of the operation knights taking a break on the edge of the demolition stopped to watch the distant shadow race towards the massive hole dug into the ground at the end. The unidentified object dodged past a dump truck, rolled across a winding dirt road, and zipped out of view down another banking into the depths of the gravel pit.

    ¡°Lets go guys stop idling around,¡± called a voice that cut through the knights helmets.

    They jumped to attention and grabbed shovels, rakes, and stop signs to hold traffic.

    ¡°Clear the road boys I''m coming through,¡± boomed Killin Hood through a bullhorn.

    Main street was really starting to rumble now. A crew of men worked overtime to clear away the old asphalt previously broken apart with heavy machinery. They were cut off by the screeching of a collapsing dwelling and the thick layer of dust it had kicked over the neighborhood. The last leprechaun home was no more.

    ¡°HaHAha, Remember folks I¡¯m driving a super milling machine so you best clear out the way,¡± boomed Killin Hood, pressing the lever down as far as it would travel.

    A thick cloud of soot billowed the vehicle rumbling forward like a demon. The exposed ground unearthed by the empire''s construction crew was being paved over with a molten road. The ugliest machine in the fleet was shitting out a stream of golden pavement. Nearby the bulldozers continued to clear the area. On the outer street many vans full of builders waited patiently for their path to profit to dry. These homes would be for the nu-nobles.

 71: Bad Boy Boogie

    Edward was in the jailhouse now, or far below it. He rotted away chained in his cell. A dim room with a toilet, a straw mattress, and pipe that leaked. At least he had some privacy when he wasn¡¯t working which was a lot more than many other inmates could ever expect.

    It hadn¡¯t been long since he had been incarcerated but it already felt like an eternity. He didn''t have any relocation of time or dates except that the surgical wounds on his chest were beginning to heal. His heart hurt so badly. The room spiraled while his head throbbed slowly becoming more institutionalized. He was miserable, and he was planning on doing anything but putting up with this nonsense long term.

    He heaved, spit, coughed, and cackled until he threw up. His lips curled into a smile as he surveyed an assorted row of crystals, coins, wires, battery from a smoke detector, and the circuit board as well. He had much bigger items hidden in storage; but unfortunately complex tasks he only had one good hand as the other was a crystalized stump. He painstakingly threaded the wires into a circuit through his handcuffs. He finally he connected the crystals making a hot wire too tight and snapped right in two.

    ¡°Farc,¡± he cursed under his breath.

    It was all good because he would live up to his infamous nickname. He fished out the flamboyant contraption rigged and ready to trigger. He put it behind his back, and connected the dots while the guard was whistling outside. The guard approached the cell humming a pop tune, and spinning her keys. She opened the door, and jumped back ten feet.

    ¡°Oh my you are an ugly soul,¡± she exclaimed.

    Edward sat where he had always been in the cell. His beard had gone gray and was very long, and so had his remaining chest hairs. His scales were covered in a layer of frost, and his body was damaged from battle. A hatchet stuck from a freshly mutated tail that thrashed against the floor. The crystal stump he had once fit a hook was now far too swollen to fit any attachments and eyes had remained deranged.

    ¡°You didn¡¯t see anything,¡± he hissed with a tongue now closer to a snake than human.

    He rested his head while his human hand worked the crystals.

    ¡°ZAAP!¡±

    ¡°Ahhh that¡¯s better, you can¡¯t keep a good monster down,¡± laughed Edward, vicing off the shock provided with a stored electroshock stone.

    He cursed to himself as the unit smoked, unable to deliver anymore charges to amp him up. The gizmo he had built exploded on the wall, a shower of circuitry and spent crystals. Edward popped out the hidden heavy metal weapon he had stashed inside the walls.

    ¡°Now it¡¯s time to blow this joint,¡± he yelled, grabbing a g string and letting it sing.

    In the Killin mines thousands of prisoners toiled away in 20 hour blocks of manual labor. A charming place where all prisoners in the bowels of the company had become equally worthless yet very profitable. They did get a few pitiful hours of leisure in the dark and musty cell blocks. Here he lay on a few strands of straws and a bed of bugs doing a life sentence with a newly installed heart that hurt with every pulse.

    The word on the street that had drifted down here was that the official royal charges against the former prince were serious capital crimes that included being too freaky, feral, depraved, and devoid of the culture of humanity. The judges in the capital city had judged him harshly and it was looking like the end of the line. He was extremely burnt out due to crystal mutations and having his royal genes removed for a black and white striped institutionalized uniform.

    ¡°No escaping from the Killin company mines without dying, All employees must wear your hardhats and whips at all times," declared the signs plastered all around them.

    Edward and the rest of the chain gang he was attached to hit rocks with pickaxes. They worked a soot filled and damp job site coated with hairy black mold wrapping the steel frames on the ceiling that made it difficult to think and tell the real bugs from the hallucinations. Further down hundreds of prisoners toiled away in the main wide open cavern with a metal staircase that led to the overlooking office fastened to the rocks high above them. The glass was tinted, but one could always feel the presence behind it watching.

    The walls rumbled from heavy machinery operating that knocked dust loose coating everything in grime. A nearby conveyor belt was in motion peppered with crystal chunks and guards every so often. They watched the ores with killer eyes under sloppy stained uniforms. A senior officer trotted his horse while proudly swinging a stun button equipped with weaponized electric crystal. The sound of rocks being hit all around him had become uniform in what sounded like a swinging rhythm. The makeshift beat had begun to be accompanied by chants from the prisoners as they took up the song of gang vocals and humming. A faint bassline mirrored the rhythm section from somewhere inside the walls.

    ¡°Jeremey was a dealer who thought he was too lucky to lose, He tried to cop a feeler on a princess and ended up without a jack, or arms, Now he''s rockin in the jailhouse loosely holding Ace up his sleeve,¡± they sang.

    An old timer with wrinkles deep enough to be able smuggle contraband and a hunchback so bad he was always touching his toes began to yodel. A hidden banjo started country picking while a loud screech of electricity feedback reverberated through the area knocking out lights . The earache was overpowering and cut deep into the skulls of the guards who covered them. A horse was spooked and bucked the screaming rider who was dragged away kicking and screaming. An electric guitar came to life with the hardest tone ever heard on Tenare. Edward had dropped his mining equipment and picked up the minor pentatonic scale. A guitar made of bones and crystals he had secretly constructed after teleporting to the core and back again with smuggled rocks. The electricity surged from the live wire directly into his heart. The gang vocals became screams as the chains burst into fire frying the other unfortunate souls attached before unshackling.

    ¡°Hey, you''re supposed to be hitting rocks down there, not playing them!¡± screeched the Lady over the intercom.

    ¡°Make them obey authority!¡± yelled Simon, barging from the guard house.

    The guards poured out from all directions as the blues riffing intensified. The majority of the enforcers came down a ramp that constricted them to double file march. The riot was being boxed in before it could start. A colonel named Klink rode in on a donkey cart with riot guards from behind. The colonel hid behind the extended shields of his men who formed a tight wall that blocked spit, and airborne rocks. He chuckled as he.reached to pull out the chord from the illegal instrument and cancel the show. The riot guards advanced, beating anyone in their path, and forming a circle around the troublemakers.

    ¡°You can¡¯t keep a good monster down,¡± Edward laughed, hitting a power chord that amped his eyes wide open and heart into gear like a motor.

    The opening created revealed a hidden stack of amps 10 units tall. The colonel''s body became a skeleton as he sizzled like an egg cooked on a radiator. The nearby rock wall exploded sending the surrounding guards'' bodies flying towards the moon. The feedback caught them off guard, splitting eardrums, and causing the dogs to flee the scene. Out of holes in the walls crawled demons playing an upright bass next to an opened portal to the core with more skeletons, and zombies burst from it playing fiddles, banjos, and each other''s skulls. In the next room a prisoner had broken free and took up a dusty grand piano in the guards rec room. He hit the out of tune keys like a madman shaking off the dust with boogie-woogie jam on the ones not yet broken. Hearing their lockers were in danger of being looted the guards swarmed inside as someone took up a saxophone that shrieked like a banshee.The tale has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation.

    ¡°Let¡¯s make this jailhouse a funhouse boys,¡± goaded the piano man, dragging his arm down the keyboard.

    The riot cops rushed towards the noise to put a stop to it, but they were interrupted by a loud whirring of a cut cable coming loose above.

    ¡°Smash!¡±

    A fallen chandelier had been the perfect trap laid by those hiding behind a curtain. Now anarchy erupted throughout the entire mine as the riot kicked into overdrive. It was set to furious hardcore bluegrass music. The warden watched in horror as a man directly below got a lobotomy with a pickaxe while another was knocked out by a falling extra large energy drink.

    Simon slid down a ladder that threatened to detach under his gravity. The giant warden grabbed hold of a chain gang and easily tossed the ten men attached over the edge screaming. Next he punched a prisoner so hard it knocked over 11 more like candlepins. His eyes locked onto Edward duck walking up a conveyor belt as electricity shot from his guitar frying guards along the path. He jumped onto the ledge where Simon was, and they faced each other down. Seeing the distracted warden another prisoner attacked from behind and began strangling the big brute with a chain around the neck. He was picked up and Simon began to shake, rattle and roll until the little man was crushed before Edward could take advantage of the distraction. Simon dusted himself off and hit his vape in celebration. The robot dick hissed like a too curious cat being fried in a fuse box as his massive lungs filled with juice. The fruity flavored vapor engulfed the area driving out everyone but the two remaining with the toughest lungs.

    ¡°Ready?¡± taunted Edward, waving a finger at his foe.

    ¡°Rrrrrrrrrrrr,¡± fumed Simon puffing up his muscled chest that glowed with veins overflowing with raw energy.

    ¡°Fight!¡± yelled Lady over the intercom.

    Edward began charging his guitar with a fast combo of advanced jazz chords that shot forward a ball of energy.

    ¡°Hahahaha¡± laughed Simon, absorbing the shot that signed off his chest hair and overpowered the fruity stink.

    The floor shook as the brute of a warden jogged forward towards his target. Edward transitioned from an f barre to a sussy d69 chord, and then started hitting the g string in panic. Sparks flew from the instrumental weapon into the charging giant who had caught on fire, but only continued to gain momentum.

    ¡°Hahahaha,¡± Simon, charging up a special move. ¡°DRAGON FIST!¡± he finished, jumping towards his target with an extended arm.

    ¡°Wham!¡±

    Edward¡¯smakeshift guitar splintered into pieces as he was knocked off the edge screaming. Simon strutted to the edge in a victorious dance, and cracked his knuckles while searching for the body among all the others below. His eyes squinted at movement, but it was only a rat feasting on a toe.

    ¡°Haha I win again,¡± he laughed, before instinctively reaching for a victory puff.

    ¡°Bang!¡±

    ¡°Yeow,¡± Simon cried as the vaping device exploded in his face. He stopped, dropped and rolled trying to extinguish the blue flames he had accidentally flamed himself with.

    Meanwhile Edward rolled away from the dead that had cushioned his fall and was carried by more of them from the core. The train of zombies entered the lunch room and set him limp on a table. They argued with growls and pushed each other around while grabbing items in a panic. A skeleton grabbed a vat of cold slop and splashed it over him. The rest of the ghouls had dragged out an entire workshop full of tools that they sorted through. They hooked jumper cables to an electric crystal and then Edwards nipples.

    ¡°ZAAaap!¡±

    He came alive again gasping and coughing for air. The dead continued tinkering, screwing, operating with another body on the lunch table parallel to him. Edward coughed and hacked up a mess of his guts while sweat had soaked his prison jumpsuit.

    ¡°Thanks for saving my ass boys,¡± he said, patting a zombie on the back.

    The creature turned, and handed him his repair instrument of death that looked like a relic.

    ¡°We got you outfitted with 12 gauge terp strings; these shouldn¡¯t break this time sir,¡± said the undead guitar tech.

    ¡°Thank you Jarvis, and company,¡± said Edward, on his feet again.

    He shook hands before turning on all three pickups, and volume to maximum. The outnumbered jail guards on the lower floors had been backed into a corner. Those boxing them in were bleeding but filled with adrenaline. The air smelt sickly sweet like red blood cells and more would die soon. A stream oconnected the bodies on the floor, some of which were missing limbs and crying out for their absent mothers. A prisoner had grabbed onto a fire hose and battered the shields still standing with the highly pressurized spray.

    Edward ran out and jumped onto the conveyor belt behind them. He played a surf riff down the top E string and sparks shot into the puddle of riot guards fried them all to death. It smelled like barbecue and tropical mango banana when he reached the ledge that he had previously been knocked off.

    ¡°Hmmmf,¡± said Simon, turning for round 2, and cracking his burnt knuckles.

    His features had been blackened except for rainbow colored scars covering his face where the vape had exploded. The enemies locked bloodshot eyes and waited for the other to move first.

    ¡°Simon what are you doing letting a sissy emasculate you.. KILL HIM KILL him or you will face a fate worse than death becoming the lowest thing in humanity''s natural hierarchy forever laughed at,¡± shrieked the voice over the intercom.

    ¡°RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAGE,¡± screamed the brute stomping forward ready to kill at any cost to prevent himself being on bottom.

    Edward began to solo on the twelfth fret back and forth with three fingers bending the lower strings before sliding back to the third, then the fifth. Simon rapidly closed the distance with every note. He had almost reached Edward who didn¡¯t look up from the funky palm muting he was doing with a middle finger barre across all the notes. The warden raised his hand to strike while Edward was back to the 12th and his fret-board was humming with energy as the playing was too fast to comprehend.

    ¡°Dragon pu¡­¡±

    ¡°WOOOF!¡±

    A pit-bull demon made of electricity had been conjured by the instrument. It shot forward on the attack leaping fearlessly towards Simon who yelped like a bitch as it bit him in the nuts. The warden ran faster than the notes back towards the stairs to his office and smacked head first into the supporting pillars. The electric dog let off its vice grip, and Edward smirked as he shot fireballs at the metal holding up the office high above. It wobbled and shook as the ceiling rained debris all over the mine. The lady inside ran for cover as the outer office came crashing down and smashing the giant warden who died.

    In the upstairs office Lady began to barricade the door with filing cabinets. She sprinted out of the area on heels so high her head smacked against the next doorway. She ran to where the elevator was and was waved at by the guards who were already escaping a hundred feet above her. It was time to find somewhere to hide.

    She sprinted back to the mail-room, barricaded the only door behind her, and hid underneath a desk before remembering the vault. After cranking back the lock, and hiding inside there was no way they would guess the code on the reinforced door that was explosive proof.

    ¡°Phew,¡± she said to herself, whipping away beads of sweat like a windshield wiper.

    A low sounding growl accompanied by loud clanking noises came through the vent as something advanced. As it got closer she readied her electric whip.

    ¡°Clang!¡±

    The vent toppled and the pit-bull emerged drooling sparks.

    ¡°Bad dog,¡± cried the lady, hitting it with her whip.

    The pit bull being an electric demon was immune to the attack. She extended blades from her heels and went to stomp on the creature but they went right thru in shocking fashion. The beast bit off a heel and chomped it down like a sword swallower at the carnival. Lady couldn¡¯t stand on one leg and toppled over unbalanced. Her shrieks pierced the reinforced vault as a rabid jaw tore into the throat.

 72: Jailbreak

    The fires crackled throughout what remained of the skeletal frames of burning buildings. The legs of a dead witch stuck out of the sand dune that had collapsed on top of her. A hangman''s noose swung gently in the breeze that pushed orange desert dust.

    Nearby Jed lay in the sand on the outskirts of the former boom town, turned into a ghost town in shambles. He coughed, and hacked up black phlegm matching the plumes of smoke in front of him.

    ¡°Phew.¡±

    He brushed off the big beads of sweat that had collected on his forehead, threw off the last remnants of his ruined advanced armor, and tossed away the empty bandolier. He was walking with an annoying amount of the dirt stuck in them leaving rough impressions in his roughed up flesh and slowly falling down his rawhide chaps. Jed¡¯s entire body ached horrible like it had been dragged down a mean street 100 miles long. He spit out the spent purple shield gum that had saved him from certain death, and partially disintegrated the head of the witch, beating her to the bubble.

    The stars were out in the quiet night sky and it felt like it was almost cold enough to be on the verge of frosting. There was nowhere left to go, not even a shack left in town to sleep in, or a horse to ride out on. And the jungle juice that he had invested everything into delivering on time had been stolen out from underneath him by a pack of flying witches.

    ¡°Siiiigh,¡± he said, holding his head in shame.

    The cactuses around cast spiked shadows in the wavy sand illuminated by the double moons hung high overhead. Jed thought he could still hear the airships that had flown off with the tanker, but as the ringing continued he realized it was his ears.

    He pulled himself up and kicked the sand in a rage. If only Mule was here he could have saved the day and they both could have still gotten paid. He fell back on his ass, and continued to grumble. It was time to give up on the very difficult quest. It had all been for nothing and he was probably going die here of thirst.

    His luck had run out and his energy was sapped. Jed gazed up at the stars as his vision blurred and the landscape felt like it was spinning. He drifted off into a plane of nothingness where there were no dreams to be seen.

    Meanwhile Edward slicked back his remaining hairs with the pomade he had looted from the warden''s quarters upstairs. He might have had a bald spot now, but he was doing his best to pretty himself up for the return to the capital. The reflection was cracked, and his eyes had trouble looking fine in the bright lighting.

    ¡°Mhhh¡­¡± he said aloud, inspecting the scars that ran across his chest with what remained of stitching.

    ¡°When I find that bastard who locked me up I¡¯m going to do a little operating myself,¡± he mused, lifting out a massive body part that entered the mirror.

    His stump had long ago mutated beyond recognition and the hardening crystal scales looked as if they had taken hold of half his chest. The dark bags under his eyes were sunken into the bone and it looked like his skull was beginning to crystalize underneath his suit of worn skin. Going forward life was going to be hard, but if you wanted to be the best you had to sacrifice some of your health for it.

    ¡°GRRRRRR,¡± he fumed.

    The stump came down quickly smashing apart the sink into splintering chunks that stuck to his hardened exterior. Next he smashed the mirror for good and punched a hole in the drywall for good measure. No matter that he no longer had royal blood in his veins. He was going back to his kingdom. If they didn¡¯t let him back on the throne he would burn everything to the ground.

    Edward stumbled out of the bathroom past the office that looked like a warzone. The desk was pulled apart, the filing cabinets crushed, and the coach cushions slit open just like any throats that dared get in his way. His large head was feeling light as e began to see things in the hallway. The figures weren¡¯t exactly human, but they were dark and shadowy remnants of some sort. Now it sounded like they were whispering behind his back in tongues that were slurred.

    ¡°Who goes there?¡± Edward screamed, grabbing onto a watercooler for support with his hand that was still human.

    ¡°¡±Barf!¡± all over the shiny tiles in the basement of Killin Manor.

    ¡°Somebody help me oh¡­Blaugh,¡± his cries were interrupted by involuntary dry heaves that overtook his entire body.

    Edward hung onto the cooler for dear life as it teetered on the edge of tipping over with him. The background chatter had only gotten louder. It sounded like the inside of a busy diner, as the shadows closed in closer. Now the entire hallway was dim. The lights got further away by the second. His heart tried to keep beating irregularly, off time through his chest.

    It was time whilst he was powerful enough to further his monstrous evolution by pillaging the countryside. Ifhe played his cards right he imagined getting to a level where nothing could stop his forward momentum. The floor got another round of liquid heaved onto it, but it wasn¡¯t thrown up this time. The water cooler had smashed along with Edward¡¯s noggin on the tiles coated with a pooling vile mixture.If you come across this story on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.

    The shadows sounded as if they were giggling, and mocking him now. His vision had been cut to pitch dark, his heart was beating slower, and slower. The shadows whispered directling into his ears signaling strange things.

    They were directly on top of him, but their chatter was still entirely foreign. The remaining hairs on his neck were raised while he felt his body feel as if it was floating. He opened his eyes, but continued to see nothing. It sounded as if a door was opening and hot air was blowing. He went to shout for help again, but his mouth wasn¡¯t moving. Then he felt something tighten around his neck. His arm reached down to grab it, as the grip tightened, cutting off his life, and the oxygen to his brain. It must have been a noose.

    ¡°ZAAAP!¡±

    ¡°AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!¡± he screamed in the perfectly lit hallway.

    The puddle he had soaked in sparked alive with electric current.

    ¡°Damn it man it¡¯s a good thing we found you,¡± said a pair of floating defibrillators coming into focus in the blinding light.

    Edward closed his eyes and opened them again to see a crowd of prisoners gathered around a medical cart that had been wheeled out. He felt a pinch as he was stabbed in the back with something sharp, and hot fluid entered his body. His heart, and the rest of his body jerked back into gear like a motor.

    ¡°You''re probably going to need to carry the rest of this adrenaline on you,¡± said the doctor who looked stained like he had just come out of surgery holding a row of syringes, and a bottle of clear liquid.

    ¡°Thanks doc, hey what¡¯s truly up with my health anyway?¡± askedEdward.

    ¡°Yeah none of us actually know anything buddy, we just stole these uniforms to blend in when we make a run from the compound into the woods,¡± said a guy wearing a nurse getup.

    ¡°But it seems like you got a bad heart given to you in the operation you told us about,¡± said the escaped convict snapping on fresh blue latex gloves wearing a bloodied doctor suit.

    ¡°No shit.. I knew that man. Look I¡¯ve just got a lot on my mind you know revenge is an all consuming emotion and quest to finish before I die all that matters is staying alive long enough at this point to fix my mistakes,¡± said Edward.

    ¡°You¡¯ve got a bad heart boss, but try to keep a clear head and keep it simple,¡± laughed Jarvis, who along with a few other zombies had joined the crowd that was blocking both sides.

    ¡°Well I learned my lesson boys, and jeez a man falls once, and everybody gets a look in their eyes like they have no more faith in my leadership,¡± said Edward, climbing to his feet.

    He pushed a way through the mob, and grabbed the portable defibrillator for self reviving himself later. The pool of people was growing from the stairs that had taken them 10 hours to climb. There were more coming up in a single file every moment.

    ¡°Well any other clues in this maze I''m ready to hit the road before this place is overfilling,¡± said Edward.

    His crew remained silently frowning until somebody coughed. The miners were still clothed in their ratted prison uniforms with some having reached similar levels of crystal mutation to him.

    ¡°Yeah the car depot is this way let¡¯s go boss,¡± yelled a voice down the hall.

    ¡°Alright Jarvis, and anyone else who wants to ride with me let''s split,¡± he said, pushing through the crowd.

    Edward climbed another staircase, and heard engines revving. They entered a packed garage. Killin Hood had quit the collection of vintage Crystallacs from the past century. Their big boxy features and shiny paint gleaned in the tube lights that hummed above. Killin Hood may have liked to abuse people, but he sure spoiled his machines. Perhaps knowing his ruthlessness was what got him the expansive collection of motors that cost an arm and a leg was enough.

    The garage doors slowly opened revealing many empty parking lots, with more cars idling as the occupants packed inside like sardines. The speeding rear end of one automobile bounced hitting a speed bump on the way out. At the last second he spotted a familiar device he had long forgotten. A crystal hook being shown off greedily in the backseat by the convict who looted it.

    ¡°Gentlemen, I wish you all the best with this place, oh and dibs on that one,¡± said Edward, galloping for the nearest available ride.

    Before he got there he spotted the largest tailfin at the other end. It was an old school classic that kinda looked like a shark. Edward sprinted to the convertible and climbed inside using the luxury running boards. The engine started with a bravado you just didn¡¯t hear anymore. This model had a massive rare v16 motor and was extremely power hungry just like him. There was only a single passenger seat and right now it was reserved for Jarvis. The undead servant he had befriended on his latest trip to the core buckled himself in.

    Edward put the pedal to the metal. The brand new tires burned into the floor as he spun out of the garage screeching all the way burning rubber. The vehicle jumped the bump flying into the air like a spaceship and slammed down without slowing her roll.

    Just when the great escape couldn¡¯t have gone better he spotted the fleeing vehicle with the object he wanted. The tires blew dirt gripping the winding road as he closed in for the kill. Those inside had their smiles cut short as they turned to see his bloodshot eyes behind the window. The man in the backseat lifted the hook to use it, but it was too late.

    ¡°Crunch.¡±

    The trunk of the other car was crumpled as it was eaten up by the teeth of the practically indestructible grill of Edward¡¯s machine. They came unstuck again, both skidded around a corner, and drifted out an open gate from the compound. The trees flew by as the road became a dirt highway, and the predatory vehicle overtook the rear tires on one side.

    ¡°Smash!¡±

    The pit maneuver was right on target, and the vehicle turned over tumbling through the sky. It was off the road now airborne until a tree caught it.

    ¡°CRASH!¡±

    Edward grinned with pleasure as he stopped in the ditch. He had chased down his prey like a tiger chases a human. The unfortunate crash test people inside the backseat hung upside down, while the front had been thrown clear. The predator walked in front of the powerful illumination of the crystal headlights where he spotted his prize. His feet entered thick mud, and he triumphantly held his modified hook launcher that Killin Hood had tried to take away. He climbed back inside the vehicle he had stolen as the first part of settling the score.

    ¡°Well now it is time to finish things, how about some gas,¡± Edward said, gripping the fancy wheel again.

    Jarvis zapped him with the electric juice to kick-start his heart into proper function. They zoomed away into the night at high speed.

 73: Deaths Door

    The V-16 Crystallac car inched through the hazy fog deeper into a mysterious bog. Edward had driven the machine all night long, but he was slowing down. It had taken all his might, liquid adrenaline, and shocks from the defibrillator to keep his heart ticking. He could feel it slowly losing steam as time was fleeting to get revenge. The crickets chirped, and the fireflies bounced all around. He swatted away mosquitos and moose flies swarming that craved human flesh just like him.

    ¡°Alright butler juice me up,¡± said Edward.

    ¡°Yes sir,¡± said Jarvis, readying the portable defibrillator.

    ¡°Zaaap!¡±

    Edward¡¯s eyes lit up the night red as the electric power surged directly into his bones. His tongue stuck out like a wildman and his legs started shaking involuntarily keeping time at 250 bpm.

    ¡°VROOOM!¡±

    The convertible shot forward with the same vigor, almost going off road. He slammed on the brakes moments before hitting a large log.

    ¡°Ahhh that¡¯s better. Now if this map you found is correct the witch doctors office should be just around the bend,¡± said Edward.

    ¡°Hmm this bog is pretty spooky, I like it almost as much as my crypt back home,¡± said Jarvis, completely oblivious to the swarm feasting on what remained of his withered hide.

    ¡°Yes, well maybe when I''m dead or king again you can move here permanently.¡±

    ¡°Only when our mission is completed master until then I remain your humble servant.¡±

    ¡°Jeez Jarvis you lay it on thicker than a bricklayer. Hey I wonder if there''s any Bootlickers living under that pond over there you could swim with,¡± said Edward, pointing his stump of an arm towards a bubbling puddle of thick goo.

    They crossed an old bridge that rattled like a skeleton composed of rust caked metal. The wind howled and thunder growled in lands far away. The stale stink smelled of sulfurous eggs wafted over the dirty bog. The crystal lights of the automobile cut into the dark winding road composed of thick ruts. The tires slushed and descended into the mud, before climbing onto a bed of exposed roots that spiderwebbed across the ground.

    A vulture nested on an old sign of rotted wood that was covered by the yellowing branching of a dying skunk spruce. The lettering long soured and sun bleached away, but some block lettering was lighter than the surrounding mossy oak boards. Edward squinted as the vehicle slowed to a crawl beside it. He continued to struggle with poor literacy while they had pulled up directly next to it.

    ¡°Doctors Quarters it says, Sir,¡± announced Jarvis.

    ¡°Huh, I think my eyes may have somehow rotted out more than a walking corpse, because I¡¯m still blind as a bat,¡± stammered Edward in disbelief.

    ¡°I have been living in the core of the planet so long that it¡¯s enhanced me with superior powers and such,¡± said Jarvis.

    ¡°I see, well keep an eye out for the doctor then will you,¡± said Edward.

    ¡°Yes Sir.¡±

    They rounded a bend walled by a thicket of dead spruce without a single needle remaining to their name. The frogs sounded off in tones, with other things peeping on high alert. Jarvis pointed at a wall that was barely visible with the moss that blanked and camouflaged it. The vehicle came to a stop beside a little hut in similar condition. There was no saying what the dwelling was composed of, but it looked derelict and there were no lights going inside. An open dark crawl hole welcomed them underneath a stuffed boar''s head with big old tusks that appeared caked in dried blood.

    ¡°Well I guess I''m going in to find myself a doctor, don¡¯t mind if you stay and watch the car.¡±

    ¡°No problemo.¡±

    ¡°Oh yeah, how could I forget.¡±

    ¡°Zaaap¡±.

    Edward''s looted cowboy boots sunk into the ground. He fought the terrain and a coughing fit. He sunk into the mud, puked up his guts, before slowly sloshing around to the other side of the car in Killin Hood¡¯s matching suit that was soiled. Jarvas held the hook contraption out the window. It was missing some parts before it could be attached again with its master who was consumed by the dark as he entered the structure.

    The floor to the place must have been the same moist moss as the exterior. It smelled like something was smoldering. The scent was funky enough to gag a skunk like rotting eggs that had been mated with sauerkraut, sweaty underwear, and canned beets with a seal that had rotted away. The tunnel was coated in water with a faint light up ahead.

    ¡°Man oh man this place is a pigsty. Good thing I have the superpower to be completely immune to any level of debauchery,¡± laughed Edward, standing next to a lit jack o''lantern.

    The small room he entered was filled with floating books, a roof composed of gray stuff, a shelf empty of substance, and the wallpaper curled into jerky. The place was filled with smoke from burning wet wood. A painting was coated in strange fungus.

    A crackling called him into the next room where a table was filled with beakers, mixers, and dried ingredients. Nearby a cauldron filled with green glow in the dark liquid was being cooked under a fire. The place started to spin and the smoke sent him into oblivion.This story originates from a different website. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.

    ¡°Groovy operation here.. Now where the farc is the doctor at. Knock knock hello anybody home.¡±

    The waters of the cauldron began to bubble like crazy. It intensified until it was overflowing, hitting the wet rocks with a sizzle. A black cat jumped from a hidden shelf, and darted into a small hole in the wall. Hot steam intensified as a clay-like creature began to form. The little arms got bigger, and bigger, then the mouth and eyes came into the picture. It was a naked Slyman taking form.

    ¡°Who interrupts my slumber?¡± It said, with a gravelly voice that sounded like a mouth full of mud.

    It climbed out from the cauldron. The feet hit the ground just as the big toes, and pinky fingers had completed forming

    ¡°Ahhh well I need a doctor, and you were marked as the only one on the maps so how about we do some dickering,¡± said Edward

    ¡°What?¡± asked the Slyman.

    ¡°I ain¡¯t got much left of me being a man, but how about re-attaching this hook of mine and giving me a look over and some medicine. A new heart if you can. It¡¯s a long story but if you help me now I¡¯ll be able to pay you back tenfold later,¡± said Edward, grabbing a rotting wooden support beam to keep himself from failing.

    ¡°Hmmm a conman more likely,¡± muttered the Slyman, who had by now formed a single wide bucktooth that helped him pronounce things.

    ¡°Hmmmf.. please sir, have a heart, I feel that I am slowly dying, and need medical assistance to complete my revenge before my body rots apart, and I depart,¡± said Edward.

    The creature sniffed the air deeply inhaling into a nose of seven nostrils. He slowly blew out a cloud of mist over his patient. While a layer of clay was growing over the creatures private parts which then became a sort of rudimentary clothing. It waddled behind a wall and fished out a leather bag, and then groaned as it strained to lift a waterlogged wooden box from the waters. The bag clashed on the table, while the box slammed down. Both sounded like they were full of objects.

    ¡°You¡¯re right on the money. About being a dead man walking that is. Well I suppose I¡¯ve got an oath to uphold even for creatures with stenches so wicked as yours,¡± it replied.

    ¡°Let¡¯s call it being a different species,¡± said Edward.

    ¡°Yet you want me to be your doctor, well Dr. Slyman my name is,¡± it said, putting on the thick wool gloves it had pulled out of a drawer.

    ¡°Ok you got me there, although if I had any human options trust me I would have gone there first, as I said already your my last resort.¡±

    ¡°I do like to think of my precious home and the surrounding swamp as a luxury resort. An all in one clinic mostly for my own species but I practice a little of everything,¡± said the Slyman, proudly putting on a stethoscope jamming the listening ends into its seemingly earless head.

    ¡°Now let me take a closer look.¡±

    The gray clay like fingers of the creature placed the circular end over the deformed chest which was equal parts half human and crystalized scale at this point. Edward struggled to breathe in and out in silence. An owl hoot traveled through the walls as the mist faded. It remained quiet for what felt like a lifetime other than the two creatures wheezing in different timings.

    ¡°You have a false heart constructed by a witch barely keeping you alive I¡¯m afraid,¡± said the Dr.

    ¡°Well surely you could put in a new one if I were to go and fetch a fresh human errr corpse donation at the local morgue,¡± said Edward.

    ¡°You could, but you would still probably die in the procedure. Now hold out your tongue and say aaaaaa,¡± said the Dr. who had put away the stethoscope, and got a metal cylinder.

    ¡°AAAAAA,¡± said Edward.

    Edward¡¯s tongue was scaled over like a lizard. As the strange cylinder touched it immediately exploded into loud ticks and bright lights, like a radiation counter.

    ¡°I¡¯m sorry, but you have cancer of sorts. A severe overexposure to crystal energies is your main ailment. It severely mutates you beyond the point of no return. I''m afraid all that can be done is prolong the inevitable and make you comfortable at this point. That artificial witch''s heart can¡¯t be removed for another real one without killing you,¡± explained the doctor.

    ¡°Ok well how long do I have remaining to live?¡± asked Edward.

    ¡°Well I''m kind of surprised you''re still getting around as well as you are. I suppose the determination for revenge, bloodlust, and all that jazz is what is keeping you in such good shape. So, maybe 48 hours, maybe a month or three maximum is the unfortunate timetable,¡± said Dr. Slyman.

    ¡°Well the least you could do is hook my hook back on, and surely you are capable of brewing up some crazy cracked crystal medicine to let me burn out like the star I am,¡± said Edward.

    ¡°Yeah let me see your hooker.. Hmmm that¡¯s a nice device,¡± he said, holding it up.

    He grabbed a monocle from his bag, and a small screwdriver and popped open the gearbox.

    ¡°Oh man this is going to be a pain in the ass to rewire man,¡± said the Slyman.

    ¡°But you can do it, and hook me up with enough medicine to complete my life''s mission?¡±

    ¡°Sure I¡¯m a damn fine chemist, alchemist, and experimenter. We brew the best drugs up here in the swaps with our secret family recipes passed down from generations of practicing, but I¡¯m going to need the payment up front,¡± said the Dr.

    ¡°Good to hear, how about a custom guitar, a loyal undead butler, or trading cars to a very rare crystallac V-16,¡± offered Edward.

    The Dr. waddled into the living room and peeked through the curtains for what felt like forever. Finally he came back, and unlocked the wooden box. Inside was lined with thick metal and an industrial seal to lock in the contained crystals. He grabbed a large green stone shaped like a four leaf clover drilled with holes for a chain, and hung it around Edward¡¯s neck.

    ¡°Well follow me to the operating table out back.¡±

    The two walked past the cauldron, then a small living room with a single recliner, and a magic box of tubes sitting on a table and sandwiched by ferns, and carnivorous flowers. Dr. Slyman pushed aside a curtain of noisy beads, and they entered a dry room lined with packed shelves of flours, pickled things, and plants drying upside down from ropes on the oak beams above. In the middle of it all was an operating table, and on the foot of the bed was what looked to be a big red box that was some kind of alien arc welder.

    ¡°Well, lay down and let¡¯s get to work,¡± said Dr. unhooking a black trench-coat off the wall and zipping it over his heavy frame.

    While Edward resigned himself to his fate on the table, the doctor adjusted the inside of a helmet with painted flames, and what looked like the logos of non-human bands.

    ¡°Bite this,¡± he instructed, giving Edward a salty tasting piece of driftwood to chew on.

    ¡°No pain no gain,¡± laughed the patient. .

    ¡°Seriously this is going to hurt prepare for the worst,¡± said the Doctor, slamming his welding helmet down, after he grabbed a fresh package of welding rods off the shelf.

    Outside Jarvis titled his head, but remained emotionless in the convertible. The hut in the woods next to him lit up in white and blue sparkling lights. The bog became filled with the screams of pain and crackling of flesh being fused permanently to metal as the monster grew in power level.

 74: Crossroad Blues

    The cabin in the dead wood rattled on its foundation.The putrid stale swamp air pierced by the screams of a pissed off small electric rotary engine. It sounded like a rabid cougar was on the prowl and was trapped in the garage that rocked. The single plywood door slowly lifted letting the dank smoke escape the beast inside. The light crystal mounted to the front of the bike was revealed cutting through the thick morning fog like a switchblade. The motorcycle''s double custom exhausts shook, rattled, and roared.

    The rider sitting atop his metal steed was only half human at this point and that was being generous. Edward wanked the twistgrip using the hook welded to his elbow outfitted in human leather chaps, a double rider jacket and on his good hand a single glove stitched together for him by Dr. Slyman¡¯s wife (the black cat named Matilda). Her, and Jarvis waved from behind the window. Outside the Doctor covered his newly acquired classic V-16 Crystaillac with a tarp, and rolled stones on the edges. It was too large to fit inside the garage, but in the value of the trade he had come out far on top.

    Last night, when the doctor asked for his age causing Edward to remember his 27th birthday had come and gone in prison. It was lucky for him there was a single piece of cake frozen in the icebox and a makeshift candle made out of Dr. Slyman''s earwax. They had taken a break after the hook had been reattached, but there were still far more procedures left to go. After the candle had been blown the arch welder sparked back on in the backroom. The doctor welded away on his patient while the succulent smells of cooking wafted back to them. Matilda was the one who hunted and forged while her husband practiced his medicine.

    The multiple operations proceeded until the morning, but was a complete success in the end. When the crows had gathered outside in the dawn the scraps of leftovers greeted them. For the first time in months Edward had devoured human flesh again. A fresh caught meal composed of an unfortunate store clerk¡¯s liver, swamp onions, broad beans, and a splash of spinal fluid.

    ¡°Vroom, VROOOOOOM!¡±

    The bike zoomed away. Edward rode with a full stomach, a six string strapped on his back, and a fuse box welded to the outside of his six pack. Whenever his heart was beginning to stop the device would automatically shock him with the hefty electric crystal bank strapped on the bike. He also had a sleeve wound around his good arm with four different tubes of fluid flowing. With the press of one of four buttons he would receive an IV of vitamins shot directly into his veins. The choices were vitamins C,K, D, and liquid cracked crystals (for emergency use only).

    Edward pressed a button and turned into introspection. His head ran like a motor with too many thoughts racing and bouncing through his mind. A long ride was ahead of him, but there was one thing that couldn¡¯t outrun the hourglass of his lifetime that was going fast like a flooded river. It was a one way trip to Capital City to get his revenge on the man responsible for breaking him and his mother.. Killin Hood would be killed and probably the kingdom. Edward would savor the dish best served cold and hopefully rest a little easier when it was done.

    The bike splashed through the cattails and ripped at the moss. The shadows ran away from the lights in front, while the rear-view was nothing but dark in the fog. His mortality chased behind him just out of view, nipping on his heels. It wouldn¡¯t be long before it caught up.

    It was time for the power of music to strangle out the bad thoughts and shift him back into a flow state. He inserted a blue terp tape between the handlebars underneath a needle in the red. The part sticking out said ¡°blues.¡± The ride cymbals and high hats joined in with a slow train beat with a harmonica that sounded like the same thing. A guitar entered via the voodoo scale moaning and crying like a hard living baby. The thick bass strings were slapped into the groove with a thumb droning on and on.

    The locomotion sent a crocodile hiding underwater and an albatross soaring high over the salt marsh. The water, weeds, and breeze had turned to vinegar as he barreled towards the edge of the ocean. The clam flats sizzled on the pipes, mud speckled the windshield, and the motorcycle ripped up the bank. The drums crashed in synchronicity with the angry waves smashing offshore under the red suns.

    The water cooled engine rapidly accelerated towards 100 miles an hour down a dirt road. The dust was kicked up and spurred into devils that danced alongside the ride. The waves of the red sea crashed to the rocks below the road blowing fresh air in his remaining hairs. Edward¡¯s mutated skeleton was briefly visible as his heart was kicked into overdrive by sparks of electricity. He glanced out at the vast sea lit by a gut feeling. It suddenly looked like something was waving to him from the water with a siren call. He shook his head glancing ahead, and when he looked back what appeared to be a mermaid had disappeared.

    The hours flew by and the coast was left in the rear view. Sundowns had begun as daylight departed. The night would soon arrive as the shadows closed in all around him. Edward tilted one leg to ground him as an anchoring peg. He cut the engine that sputtered to a stop and took out his lunch box. The bike sat directly in the center of a four way crossroad, flanked by a wide open desert. He began eating the leftovers chilled with ice. A loud clicking noise could be heard overhead, then the screeching of magma thrusters hauling a heavy load. A drop ship sped past, followed by a much slower airship hauling away a tanker between the two half moons.If you encounter this story on Amazon, note that it''s taken without permission from the author. Report it.

    ¡°Huh, somebody just got repossessed,¡± Edward chuckled.

    A familiar looking witch had the last laugh. She interrupted him with loud cackles as she escorted the vehicles flying her fancy broom. Edward spit out his lunch on the ground.

    ¡°Hey I know that hag,¡± he said, giving the bike some gas.

    He flew forward scaring the vultures who had already gathered around the remains of a heart tossed by the wayside. The pack flew off the path and the bike followed flying offroad. A stream of sand flew behind the tires while the bike climbed, then it jumped a sand dune, and flew over five more. Edward crashed to the ground running, splintering apart a cactus. The fallen machine kept driving as the bike sputtered to keep up with the chase. Isabella¡¯s neck cracked as she turned her head 180 degrees like an owl and glared at the pursuer.

    ¡°What!?!¡± she sputtered upon spotting the hook that she had thought was hung in her workshop.

    The broom shook, sputtered, and rolled away from the pack. She diverted course behind an orange formation of hoodoos, vanished around the opening of a fairy chimney, and emerged through the opening in two pinnacles. She extended her wand on a bombing run, while the only thing pulled back was the white wisps of her hair.

    ¡°Now my pretty you will die hehe,¡± her voice reverberated throughout the valley amplified over a crystal ball amp. The fires crackled in her burning crazy eyes as she took aim.

    ¡°Boom!¡±

    An explosion blew apart a formation directly in front Edward. The bike''s window was cracked by flying rocks. He was temporarily blind, but kept rolling forward at full steam. Just as the dust was settling another fiery projectile was sent at him, but before it hit the tires launched over a rock.

    ¡°BOOOOOOM!¡±

    It exploded underneath the bike, launching Edward sideways with it. He fell down a natural formation that was like a series of waves crossed with a halfpipe. The pain seared into his back while he was dragged underneath the bike. He came to a skidding stop at the bottom. Isabelal zipped overhead cackling, then zagged around for the killing blow. The electric machine hooked to Edward was going haywire, lighting him up with continuous sparks. The bike was smoking and so was his body.

    ¡°Arrrrggr,¡± he groaned, coming alive again, and struggling to free himself from underneath the heavy motor.

    ¡°Hehehe¡± called Isabella, slowly flying into the area.

    Her wand crackled with pent up explosive energy as her eyes scanned for the target. The screen of her crystal ball formed a radar that bleeped and blooped with every scan. It picked up something traveling quickly behind her rapidly closing the distance. Her ears whistled, and her head slowly turned with the broom. Her bony old fingers twisted her wand to the defensive position while the hairs on her neck shot up in surprise.

    ¡°POp!¡± The defensive bubble instantly formed around her.

    ¡°Clang.¡±

    Edward''s hook bounced off with the deflection. It shot across the sky, and landed somewhere up high. Edward hit the winch on his stump, and pulled himself back onto two wheels. He revved the engine, as the tires left the ground and he was pulled quickly out of the through by the line connected to his arm.

    ¡°Boom.¡±

    An explosion blew flames in his face where the hook had anchored, disconnecting it. He flew backwards down the wave as the tires screeched on landing. The hook slammed back onto Edward¡¯s arm while the motorcycle threatened to tip over back at the bottom. Isabella squinted her ancient eyes to lock onto the target from her broomstick. The light of the double moons temporarily blinded her; she shot anyway, sending a fireball far out.

    ¡°Vrooom!¡±

    Edward revved the motorcycle below riding a rock formation wave like a surfer. It jumped over one, and landed effortlessly into another naturally formed half-pipe.

    ¡°Hmfff.. Die,¡± hissed Isabella.

    She had become so tilted on her broom that the next shot flew far over Edward¡¯s head. He turned his head to the side with a shit eating grin and winked back in her direction. The explosive shots started flying rapid fire hot and heavy explosions all around. The tip of her wand composed of twisted magic material threatened to burst apart. The bike steamed through a sheet of flames that burned holes in the leather and bounced off the rider¡¯s scales.

    ¡°Haha Pfffb,¡± Edward taunted with his tongue stuck out in defiance.

    She smiled back at him, sheathed her wand and winked. Edward looked around confused why she wasn¡¯t big mad anymore until he turned to see an incoming crash. The tanker truck swinging in the air was not far off from his face instead of being high above. He looked below and his mouth opened slackjaw as his bike picked up speed as it fell off the steep canyon he had driven off. The wind whistled, while the butterflies bounced around his stomach as he dropped. Edward shot towards a tiny dried out river that was getting bigger zipping towards a 1000 foot drop.

    ¡°One for the money, two for the show,¡± he yelled, smacking the electric crystal.

    ¡°Zaaap!¡±

    As the final hit of juice surged through his body, he aimed the hook to the sky.

    ¡°Hehehe,¡± cackled Isabella, following every second of his fall with her wand.

    She saw the hook shoot up and raised both eyebrows with glee. The fast approaching prospect of shooting out his last ditch attempt of a lifeline from him filled her with pleasure. As soon as the anchor was hooked to anything it would be blown apart, and the former prince would splatter. The air pressure changed as the shrill shriek of something big pierced her ears.

    ¡°Huh?¡±

    The winds were disturbed as loud flapping intensified. A giant eagle almost ran over the witch spinning throughout the air out of control on her broomstick. She did a barrel roll and hissed as she thought she saw Edward mounted on the creature¡¯s back.

    ¡°REEEEeeee where did he find that creature,¡± she fumed, angrily waving a fist, while her spit flew like venom.

    The witch on the broom sped in the direction of the giant bird that had almost maimed her. Meanwhile Edward hung high in the sky slowly pulled toward the airship he had managed to hook. The motorcycle exploded into a tiny mushroom cloud far below his swinging feet. The air barge hauled the floating tanker full of juice in the other direction towards the Capital City with a special guest onboard for the royal wedding.

 75: Cowboy Song

    Jed woke up stuck up to his neck in sand and trouble. He punched at his shirt being nibbled. A vulture landed on him for a snack and its buzzard buddies were waiting in the wings for seconds.

    ¡°Shoot,¡± he stammered, throwing his empty six shooter at the creature.

    The bird squealed, and squawked, losing feathers from a direct hit. The rest of the pack that had been circling followed on the retreat.

    Jed was all alone again in the desert. The air had died of wind and his mouth was getting close to matching the dry outside. He pulled himself grabbing copper wire hooked to something underground and climbed back to his feet. The sand rushed out of his pant legs while worked overtime to move one leg after another. His battle scarred boots might as well have been weighed down by anchors, he felt black, and blue, sick and needed water.

    It was just light enough to see the bones of the ghost town smoldering in front of him. The western place burned to the ground in the dark and there was nothing left in the early morning. The first sun peaked just over the valley and soon the other two would join it bringing the heat blazing in full force.

    Jed''s face and hands were red and toasted like a pastry. He walked along a main street that was littered with particles. It smelled of soot, and burning bodies. His last hope was the big red barn on the outskirts. A thin trail of smoke was coming from where it had been.

    Jed gritted his teeth and continued. He wasn¡¯t ever giving up on surviving. He walked over a destroyed coffin and the spilled contents ground to dust. The stairs to his final destination were less than a few hundred feet away. His vision swirled and faded as the sunlight grew. He went to cough, but only stirred up more dust.

    A body so worn out he couldn¡¯t even manage to talk to himself. His feet kept on moving, whilst he shut his eyes and ignored everything else. He was almost to the stairs, and then what? It wasn¡¯t looking good, but he had to think of something else. His foot hit something hard, and he almost tripped. He had run into the helmet of a dead soldier, and the stairs were still 50 feet off.

    Jed thought of what he would do if he survived to be an old man. He hoped his mobility and facilities would never get stuck permanently at the levels they had been reduced to right now. He imagined that as long as he could find a wife to grow old with it couldn¡¯t be that bad.

    His bones creaked as he started climbing the steep stone steps. The breeze picked up ever so slightly, just enough to tease a break. He swayed on the precipice almost falling backwards. The suns were sizzling now while whatever water remained in him was being driven out in sweat. He had reached the top step, but the once even path had become a mountain of sand from the storm.

    The windmills formally lining the path had snapped in half, and so had the majority of the palm trees. The cactuses were blown to smithereens with everything else. The vegetation had been fried including all the tumbleweeds that were toast, and the cemetery was buried except for the highest point of a crypt.

    Jed stumbled forward like a zombie looking for shade instead of brains. It was looking more and more like getting out of this mess alive was gonna require a miracle. He fell to his knees as his legs gave out, and smelled barbecue ahead. He saw the roof of the barn, and began to drag himself forward while his head pounded, and eyesight went in and out.

    The sand gave way and he slid back down the way he came, while sick to his stomach. He crawled under a standing palm tree that had been balded by its foliage. He covered his body with his shirt as the only shade, and fought the overwhelming urge to puke from heatstroke.His teeth sank with the rest of him through the dirt. He couldn¡¯t muster enough strength to open his eyes and fight off whatever it was this time. His consciousness faded to black.

    ¡°Wake up cowboy,¡± brayed a familiar voice, as a wet snoot nuzzled him.

    Jed coughed alive again, face to face with a donkey that talked. The beast smiled a sly grin while its eyes twinkled with mischievousness. The floor was familiar straw and the ceiling had red wood planks. Jed had been saved and taken to the barn. He proceeded to puke his guts out in celebration.

    ¡°Good thing I saved plenty of juice,¡± said Mule with a wink, while pushing a dog dish full of purple fluid in front of the human.

    Jed¡¯s lips cracked, and bled as he opened them. He stuck his entire face into the metal bowl, and slurped it up like he was an elephant. When he couldn¡¯t get more he rolled over and dumped the remaining contents down his throat. The liquid was hot and burned, but he wasn¡¯t feeling any pain any more.Enjoying this book? Seek out the original to ensure the author gets credit.

    ¡°You got the big rig back?¡± Jed asked.

    ¡°Nope, but I did siphon it off into these tanks,¡± Mule said.

    ¡°I can¡¯t see anything, but thank you for saving me, the reward is all yours buddy,¡± said Jed, too tired to stand.

    ¡°Nonsense there''s still a lot of ground to cover, and a short time to get there. Besides, it''s clear the empire wanted that juice for something special, and when they figured out the trick I''ve done on them..¡±

    ¡°We are going to have all the heat we can handle,¡± Jed interrupted.

    ¡°Yes sir,¡± said Mule, as his body began to contort like a balloon animal. ¡°Unfortunately we don¡¯t have enough time for you to make a recovery,¡± he finished rolling over, and looking dead.

    ¡°Hee-Haw,¡± groaned the talking donkey, slowly transforming his hoof into a monkey''s paws, while his hair began to retract.

    Mist filled the barn until an upright monkey was standing at attention. Mule leapt forward to a dark corner, as he howled. Jed looked on in stunned disbelief.

    ¡°Now I''m sorry you had to act as our distraction, but it all seems to have worked out ok in the end,¡± said Mule, emerging duel wielding two bananas, and a cowboy hat that was far too big for his little primate head.

    He placed the hat on Jed, and handed him an opened fruit. Jed scoffed it down, getting hiccups. Mule took hold of the bowl and pushed it forward with his monkey feet. Jed quenched with a refill of the legendary purple nectar, while mule emerged again this time carrying two loaded revolvers.

    ¡°Here you go man,¡± he said, tossing Jed both of them, while his feet dragged in more firepower.

    ¡°Thanks buddy,¡± said Jed, grabbing both weapons midair, and spinning the six shooters on opposite trigger fingers before holstering them.

    ¡°Don¡¯t forget the ammo,¡± said Mule, tossing him a loaded bandolier.

    ¡°What about you?¡± asked Jed.

    ¡°Click,¡±

    The monkey slammed a sawn off shotgun together.

    ¡°Oh Haha you mean business,¡± said Jed.

    ¡°OOOO-OOO-A-AAA-AAA, we''ve got a delivery to make, let''s go!¡± yelled Mule, scampering to the exit.

    At the barn door was a pallet packed with sealed metal containers. Next to it was a saddle hanging with full riding gear.

    ¡°Are you thinking what I am?¡± asked Jed.

    ¡°I¡¯m always four steps ahead of you, now give me space,¡± said Mule, gritting his teeth as he was beginning to smoke.

    His body withered, cracked, and bent as a black mane full of hair shot out. The mist filled the entire barn this time while hoofs formed again. Jed covered his face as the air hissed, and Mule groaned. By the time Jed looked again at a wild looking mustang was looking back mean at him. Mule was now pure chestnut. The smoke continuously leaked from his flaring nostrils, as he raised his front hoofs, and proudly neighed.

    ¡°Saddle me up, and let''s ride for the hills,¡± said Mule, standing in front of him.

    Jed threw on the saddle, bags, guns, and pack with haste. He had grown up farming and it was second instinct. The metal container holding their payday of juice was the trickiest thing to strap on, but he got it tied down good eventually. Finally the man climbed aboard wearing his new rattlesnake boots.

    ¡°I¡¯ve got some horsepower now,¡± said Mule.

    ¡°Let¡¯s see.. Giddy up!¡± yelled Jed.

    The cowboy, and his horse charged from the barn kicking up clouds of dirt. They flew down main street, and jumped over the rail road full of debris. The ghost town was a speck behind them, and Mule hadn¡¯t slowed. The winds blew in the start of another sundown.

    A familiar cackling sound filled the air, raising the pair''s hairs. The witch shot through the sky above them looking for trouble.

    ¡°I¡¯ve got you now my pretties,¡± laughed Isabela, aiming her wand.

    ¡°Let¡¯s go witch,¡± said Jed, aiming his guns right back at her.

    A slow moving orb shot through the sky until it was intercepted by a bullet.

    ¡°Boom!¡±

    The explosion blew up midair. It knocked Isabella sideways, throwing off her crystal and connected receiver. She spun through the air out of control as her hairs singed by the fire.

    ¡°Watch this,¡± neighed Mule, leaking smoke, as he continued galloping.

    He began forming feathers from ink, and a beak as his mane retracted. They continued speeding straight for a cliff edge while transforming. Above Isabella had righted the ship and was pissed. She waved her wand angrily in hot pursuit. She blasted explosion after explosion after the cowboy, and his stead who were running out of ground to run. The rider turned, and aimed. Jed fired a hail of bullets that bounced off the defensive crystal force field.

    ¡°Hehehe,¡± she cackled, aiming for the final strike.

    The horse jumped into the canyon thousands of feet drop to the bottom. While the edge was engulfed in a fiery explosion Isabella smirked as she watched them fall out of sight. She cracked her knuckles and prepared to follow the tanker in custody that had flown far ahead. It was going to be a long flight for her ancient bones. A loud whistle cut her off.

    ¡°What now?¡± she huffed, turning her head to scan with hawk eyes.

    The witch raised both eyelashes into her pointed hat, while her mouth was agape. The winds whistled as did a giant bird piercing her eardrums. She covered her head as a giant bald eagle shot overhead with a rider saddled to its back. Jed spun the second six shooter reloaded, then cocked the hammers back to twelve bullets. Mule raised his talons with the jungle juice gripped like a fish. Isabella shook with adrenaline as aimed her wand for the final showdown on the horizon.

 76: Hang em High

    Isabella rode her broomstick studying Jed riding a giant bald eagle burdened with a sloshing container. They two duelists faced each other down high above the desert rocks. The young man gripped the ivory player card handles of two suits in both hands; dual wielding his revolvers. Meanwhile Mule concentrated on flying, and had his talons full with carrying the 2 ton ginormous keg of jungle juice. The witch readied the unlimited magical war chest provided by Killin Company inc.

    ¡°Hehe you¡¯ve already shown me all your tricks my pretties, but I¡¯m a tricky hoarder at hiding everything under my hat,¡± she cackled, spitting spent bubble gum into the darkening skyline.

    ¡°Bang!¡±

    ¡°Hopefully there''s a bald spot under there after I''m done shooting,¡± said Jed, blowing smoke from one of his barrels.

    Jed had thought he had seen an opening, but in reality the sun was shining in his eyes and his reflexes were slow as molasses. In comparison her wand waving skills were unmatched, just like her legendary reputation destroying smear campaigns. She could kill a normal man just by uttering a few words from a long encyclopedia like knowledge of magic curses. With each crystal bubble popped from her ancient tung; a defensive shield quickly blocked any incoming projectiles provided by chewing gum. She twisted her twisted weapon to another setting and a stream of flames searing from the magic wand. She was a wicked boss witch and had no surviving family members.

    Mule squawked like a seagull as he got out of the way just in time, but her secondary attack had other opinions. She had switched to the freezer burning setting. Some of Mule''s feathers fell to the ground frozen turkey, while he flew severely slowed from gaining altitude. Jed was bucked off the saddle and held on by one hand. He held onto one gun while the other fell to the wayside out of bounds. The orange sky crackled with nervous energy as their opponent shocked its presence.

    ¡°Damn we just got destroyed back there. Are you still in one piece?¡± asked Mule, evening himself out in the clouds.

    ¡°I think so, but I also think we need to come up with a better action plan,¡± yelled Jed, pulling himself back onto the saddle.

    He heard something flying dangerously close and ducked as a projectile flew right over his head. It exploded in the skyline ahead of their flight path.

    ¡°Hehehe,¡± Isabella laughed, stepping on the gas.

    She had the targets in her sights now locked on and her next spell would be a very rotten one. The gas launched from the broom bristles like an exhaust made of genetically mutated corn husks of pure funk. So had her previously emitted similar tunes in the last episode; before her crystal ball had been knocked off like her purse. Now clouds broke to clear far out of the way for the ancient crone that stunk up the skyline at sundown.

    Jed tried shooting in return, but was either far off target or the bullet was stopped by magic. The next shot killed one of her little birds, triggering the air all around him turning green. A big skull and crossbones lit up in the smog. Mule tried to get out of the blast zone, but the tips of his wings were frosted.

    The local wildlife was exhausted while the witch was hauling ass in pursuit. The cackling went into overdrive at over 100 miles an hour spreading her plague. The toxin overtook both heroes who erupted into fits of coughing. Jed¡¯s eyes hurt like they were being stung by hornets while his nostrils were aflame. Mule descended into madness while holding his breath against the gas thicker than mustard. He couldn¡¯t hold his breath much longer before being poisoned.

    ¡°I think I¡¯m gonna crash! Hack, cough, ughgg,¡± yelled Mule, bucking forward.

    ¡°AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!¡± screamed Jed, his arms flinging wildly freefalling.

    The butterflies ricocheted through his core. The wind was sucked out of him and replaced with hurt. His lungs felt like they were cooking popcorn. He fell spinning like a top spun out of control. The giant bald eagle circled him with a shadow in death spirals. Mule''s eyes were tired and he didn''t have the energy to maintain his figure.

    ¡°This bird can¡¯t fly anymore,cough,¡± he stammered , flapping in a dogged attempt to stay alive.

    Mule had gone chicken. Jed was well ahead of him on his journey of falling through the thick mist like a rock. The stinking magic skulls of pure evil threatened to genocide anything with a soul. Her special Killin lab exterminator blend was toxic to the core. The boss witch¡¯s broom continued spitting out a steady stream of deadly smog. She was immune to it due to shots.Unauthorized usage: this narrative is on Amazon without the author''s consent. Report any sightings.

    Jed¡¯s cowboy hat hit the ground on the brim. The area around it exploded at the second impact. The picture faded to rotten green as the valley became a slow cooker of death. The trees withered to nothing while the orange sand caramelized underneath in sickly twisting dessert. Nearby the ginormous keg of purple juice was grabbed moments before impact by a gagging vulture, flying low.

    ¡°I just about salvaged this situation,¡± said Mule, struggling onto the precious cargo. ¡°Now to finish saving Jed. Cough.¡±

    The shadow flickered out of the picture. The container tumbled, until it was caught by a rapidly resynthesizing arm. Mule had saved a few farc portal teleport-poppers that snapped bad situations from getting worse. He had to think fast a minute ago in saving both the juice and Jed who was flying his own course into the center of the planet for a brief respite from the fight. The core had nightmare dungeons, temples, and other stuff. Yeah Jed was probably going to need his help if he wanted him back alive.

    It was after midnight when Isabella sniffed the crispy grass below with pleasure. It smelled like the royal dump that had recently dumped their unionized workers in pieces, but without using trash bags. The shady clouds dearly departed from the old bag of wrinkles; a vintage fireplace bellow that puffed out the skunk like a dragon. The fresh wind smelled of wide open spaces, while it covered up the stink like a blanket of thorny roses.

    The``easiest rider¡± eval broom patrolled the troubled skies above carnage. She was scouting for the fallen crystal ball to upgrade her Killin list for a killstreak. Then it would be time to rendezvous with her men escorting Rusty Six hauling their captured booty to the party. The purple jungle juice spoils of war in the belly of the big rig truck they had pilfered.

    .¡°Where are the charred remains of my pretties at?¡± she cackled, licking her cracked lips in similar arid conditions.

    Isabella intended to have roasted dates with smoked cowboy loins for dinner. She had already phoned home the good news. The final sweep of the area was just to kill time and study the effects of her newest experimental gas.

    ¡°YeeHaw!¡± yelled, Jed coming out hot from an opening portal above.

    The broomstick shot out of control with two aboard. The wand tumbled somewhere to the ground. Jed aimed his six shooter, scowling at his target.

    ¡°Draw!¡±

    ¡°Why you wouldn¡¯t want to shoot a little oldy like me, now would yah.¡± she stammered, holding her hands to the sky.

    ¡°That¡¯s what I thought,¡± said Jed, reaching for a lasso.

    ¡°Thunk, thunk, thunk!¡±

    She had many hidden decks of playing cards up her sleeves. She started dealing them through the air like a Tommy gun.

    ¡°Ooof!¡± said Jed, being witch slapped on the face with a full house.

    A joker was the final insult that toppled him back overboard. He only fell a second before a hand grabbed him. Mule had landed in ape form and the broom bent 90 degrees in a break. The ape barely held onto the jungle juice In one hand and Jed in the other as he walked the thin line of the broomstick.

    ¡°Hey I¡¯m supposed to be the one with the flying monkeys,¡± she gasped in surprise.

    ¡°Bang,Bang,Bang.¡±

    Jed had aimed an underhanded series of shots sending a hail of bullets soaring like the eagle did again. A quick fan of the hammer launched Isabella to her end. The stolen broomstick flew between two full moons on the run before it returned to the slain master. Isabella''s bones creaked on their last legs. Her fingers moved while the rest of her lay dead in the ditch. The broomstick impaled through a nearby cactus. She leaked fluid through the bullet hole through a King of hearts card stuck to her skin.

    In death her wand pulled the strings now lifting off her witches hat. Inside the dark void a little stuffed rabbit appeared white as snow. The stuffed animal''s eyes flashed red, while its body began to absorb the similarly colored ditch water growing rapidly in size. Its big hind legs took up the valley rapidly filling, as the stitches burst apart leaking magic stuffing. The big rabbit was ginormous, sewn with rapid evil, and ready for action.

    ¡°We¡¯ve got company,¡± said Jed.

    ¡°Yeah, the Killin company never knows when to quit,¡± said Mule

    ¡°Hehehehe¡± cackled an eerie ethereal voice from beyond the grave.

    The ground shook as the giant stuffed rabbit swiped at the targets. It narrowly missed Mule in giant eagle form and Jed hanging on for dear life. They quickly flew out of range of the dark magic rabbit. It looked disappointed to be considered an optional fight they had avoided to save time. It returned to its default state and waited idly to pounce by some chance were fool enough to descend again.

    ¡°This thing doesn¡¯t matter, I see her dead as door-nail down there,¡± said Mule, screaming a celebratory eagle song.

    ¡°Yeah I see,¡± said Jed, covering his ears from the loud shrieking while his eyes dimmed from overexposure to toxins.

    ¡°Let''s get out of here, and get you recuperated, and the money for getting this cargo delivered, I definitely can''t fly us all the way there we are going to need another smaller vehicle for the final trek,¡± said Mule, slowly climbing through the skies empty of clouds, and toxicity.

    Jed drooled in response out cold, but still onto one gun half loaded in an iron grip.

 77: Royal Shotgun Marriage

    The king size bed creaked as Queen Elizabethy the 13th rolled over onto her side and covered her scars with a blanket made of bearskin. A flame burned hot beside her as her husband pulled out to light a similar sized presidente cigar hanging from his mouth.

    ¡°That was some good action right there,¡± said Killin Hood, blowing smoke out of his nose with supreme satisfaction.

    He adjusted the tobacco with one hand and used the other to smack her fat bottom undercover. She blushed while opening the drawer to the night table. Killin Hood picked up a massive book from the opposite table while his wife picked up a tray full of powder and stuck a straw to her cyborg nostrils.

    ¡°You know the lady who wrote this Mayn Reed was half elf and full genius,¡± said Killin Hood, from behind the pages of ¡°Bogus Bounced¡±.

    Elizabethy snorted in amusement.

    ¡°I had her locked up for blasphemy, the crystals are everything to me and she rejected them to instead worship noble business men, crazy bitch haha,¡± she laughed, and then snorted some more.

    Killin Hood scowled and slammed the covers shut. He removed his trusted remote and turned on the giant crystal ball on the far wall. It lit up into an infomercial for Eval torture tools. He growled like a werewolf while he switched through the channels finding nothing of substance before eventually settling on a livestream view of the city outside the blinds.

    ¡°Clang!¡±

    The silver tray had been polished off, and thrown to the hard ceder floors below. Elizabethy¡¯s helmet blinked with crystal lights while she inched in wrapping her naked body around Killin Hood like a snake. He blew smoke in her face.

    ¡°Ravage me again,¡± she cried, undeterred.

    Her husband picked up her remote control hit vibrate, then mute.

    In Tenare they were only two who really mattered in making the coming prosperity of a reinvigorated human empire. This ceremonious routine had always gone on at any time in history that mattered and now they were committed to all the acts. The newlyweds partied together in a swingers lounge at sundown while servants carried out an endless buffet. The punishment of crime and bad girls was a sacred thing to accompany marriages. As part of the twelve day affair everyday would feature different sorts of sports. All games were legal to hunt for King.

    They continued boogieing in the club, while his trusted men were cleaning out the prisons with guns. The music was trashy and hedonistic; just like he was after work. He had won with every royal already either dead or in prison. The bar was an outside circle around the roller rink. There the rocket skates turbo charged with magma thrusters. Killin Hood got real low while he sliced the kneecaps of his opponent. He boogied back around to his wife who had found a playmate. The parks flew as Elizabethy the 13¡¯s chainsaw tore into the fresh flesh of a rival cyborg. The surrounding crowd erupted in celebration.

    Her prized 1 zillion crystal was locked away in a fort, while Killin Hood had pulled another surprise this morning at her palace. This second sacred day had started with a sick little trick of his own.She had opened the royal dresser to see three of her sons hung by her pantyhose. It was the entire backup section of the death drag piercers dead and gone. The flies, and maggots had gotten to the bodies long before she had found them. Roger, and Cap lay exposed with all their teeth knocked out and their guts played with.

    ¡°What the..!¡±

    ¡°Shhh,¡± said Killin Hood, manually silencing her using both hands and all his fingers.

    She grabbed onto his crotch hard as she could in revenge. ¡°You¡¯re a wicked man aren¡¯t you?¡± she nervously cackled, going for his balls in a last ditch effort for control.

    ¡°I don¡¯t play games,¡± he replied, grabbing her throat, and lifting her towards an open window.

    The curtains blew back from the fast windstorm at midnight. Her feet dangled from the top of a crystal tower while lightning conducted the apex. The rain soaked her leather skirt but her eyes were dry due to being kept under the lock of a cyborg helmet brain damaged. She revved her chainsaw arm, but it was toothless to resist his remote control.

    ¡°Is that all..gut..¡± she choked out while her husband constricted like a boa constrictor.

    ¡°Get gut or kiss my ring, now dance I¡¯m King,¡± he instructed, making his free fingers puppeteer in the rain with glee.

    The first days of the wedding ceremony had gone off without a hitch. Well except for the missing refreshments. They had been stuck drinking schlock while the shipment of jungle juice was late, but Isebella, his head witch, had assured him it was mid-flight en route for tonight. The event had started with a parade down the royal main street. It had rumbled as the trumpets blew, and the elephants sounded their trunks. Then the military had marched with a thousand elite guard uniforms sparkling in the three suns high above. The tanks had driven over the curb draped in ceremonial tapestries while their airships did tricks above. It had all been capped off with a showing of ultimate power, as each of the 12 crystal types was displayed in the open. Each kind a massive ore as big as they had, and pulled through on floats sparkling, and humming with enough energy to level the entire block if something went wrong. But nothing did.

    The parade had ended at the royal garden where the crowd of hundreds of thousands of commoners in attendance were held back. Inside the Queen had walked along the path lined with what remained of her family, and the nobles. Her zillion dollar belt purred like a cat, while her husband walked in front in a suit of similar value. They reached the end of the red carpet where a crystal priest was waiting.The narrative has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.

    ¡°Do you accept this man''s advances," said the servant of crystals.

    ¡°Yes I do,¡± said Elizabethy the 13th, as she stroked the combined belt of all 12 he had given her.

    Killin Hood was outfitted with the king¡¯s crown freshly minted as the other had gone missing.

    ¡°I assure you that I''m not like the other kings, but you all know that as my situation is rather unorthodox. All the changes I make will ensure that all citizens have more money going forward and the love between us is crazy thick,¡± he said, leaning in for a kiss.

    They embraced inside the big gazebo while the surrounding crowd clapped. After they had finished they each sat on the thrones that had been moved to the park. Servants dashed around carrying trays of stink bugs, and setting a buffet of Killin company cured meats with edible flowers. In the background doves splashed in a brand new fountain containing a statue of the newlyweds likeness.

    The band began to play fiddles, flutes, oboes, and trombones. Killin Hood fired up the grill, and began cooking a mountain of marinated steaks he had butchered himself. Kegs of schlock were rolled in, and red plastic cups were filled to the brim with the foamy substance. The bass player arrived late, as the air became funky. The firepit roared into the night while the newlyweds got into their limo. The driver took them straight to the airport where they boarded the zeppelin marked with K.C. They crossed the threshold, while far below them the hundreds of thousands gathered in the stands of the coliseum erupted. After the first round in the sack, the two moved to the air deck and where they got front row seats to the fight below.

    The zeppelin circled just above the stadium while the knights fought each other, and waves of zombies in a battle royal below. The floor had been set with a maze-like labyrinth of an obstacle course full of traps, while their weapons had been sharpened. The rules were simple: whoever was the last man standing would become a noble. And zombies didn¡¯t count as people. The crowd cheered, and jeered, as knights fought and died for a chance at a better life, and their amusement. Killin Hood uncorked his last bottle of jungle juice, and filled his wife¡¯s glass. She reclined in the sunset, while he put his feet up on the rail. The pair drank and laughed at the suffering of others below, and even took turns puffing on his cigar.

    The air outside the zeppelin blew cold, as it climbed higher into the clouds. The darkness engulfed them as the night arrived. Capital City sparkled far below them as the pair held hands down the hallway to the master bedroom.

    At the same time the big rig truck flew through the air being towed by a slow flying junker airship. It groaned, shifting its load through the air while the magnet above held it tight. The cabin was dark and had no windows on account of being rebuilt and reinforced by Jed. Now the truck had been stolen, and was on its way to the capital city.

    Edward was hiding behind the bucket seats full of bullet holes. He clutched his hook while slipping in and out of consciousness. Without the constant zapping of electricity through his body his artificial heart was beating irregularly, even with a constant IV dripping of vitamins. He dreamed of love, and roses, but was shocked back awake by the prickly thorns. The air had become thick with storm clouds that spattered acid rain outside, while thunder boomed. He crawled to the front of the vehicle, and burned himself with the cigarette lighter to keep him awake. Then he threw the door open, and used the hook to pull himself to the roof. A burst of lightning shot out nearby crackling the clouds. He aimed and shot the hook, but was too slow on the draw. His vision was dimming as did the sky.

    ¡°One more try,¡± he murmured to himself, smacking his forehead.

    The hook pulled itself back into the socket just as the thunder began to boom. Edward saw the lighting sparking from the heavens danger close, and grinned.

    ¡°ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!¡±

    This launch was a direct hit, and his mutated body was revived as the skeleton smoked. He climbed back inside the cabin, a happy camper just as the guards on the ship above looked down. They saw nothing, but held their nose at what smelled to be a fried rat somewhere aboard.

    ¡°Rusty six, this is flight control. We see you coming in with the wedding gift, but you''re flying a little low, over¡± said ground control.

    There was no response.

    ¡°Rusty six, we are going to have some fighter planes escort you, over,¡±

    ¡°Static..¡±

    ¡°All air patrol units can we get a close read on rusty six, over¡±

    ¡°Already ahead of you ground control we are flying right beside her, over,¡± responded the voice.

    ¡°Ok i¡¯m not getting any communication from them, does everything look alright onboard?¡± said ground control.

    ¡°Uhh.. well we don¡¯t see anybody on deck, but it seems to be flying alright just a little low,over,¡± said the air patrol.

    ¡°Rusty six do you read me, over¡±.

    ¡°static,¡±

    The three planes continued escorting the rusted out ship painted on the sides with ¡°repo,¡±. Its flight trajectory continued to get lower and lower as it descended towards the capital city. A plane rolled sideways and right on top of it as the co-pilot got out his binoculars.

    ¡°Hold on for a second Frank that looks like a trail of blood along the deck,¡± she exclaimed.

    On the edge of the runway below the aircontrol watched through a telescope. The tower was in chaos as papers were knocked over, and ideas thrown against a dart board.

    ¡°Air patrol, we are going to need one of your co-pilots to parachute onto the deck of that ship, and fix its course before it crashes if possible,¡± said air control.

    The big rig twisted and knocked from side to side midair as the turbulence increased. The descent was getting sharper by the second. Meanwhile a pilot gripped the controls with a grimace, as the co-pilot readied himself for the test of a lifetime.

    ¡°Ok Betty, we are almost at the point, we both eject on 3.2.1..Go.¡±

    ¡°POP!¡±

    The plane launched out two seats, and then careened out of control. The two aboard flew over the hull of rusty six, and pulled their chutes at the last second. The pilot overshot and fell by the wayside as his plane exploded into the countryside below. Betty¡¯s chute was caught on rusty six as she dangled over the side in the air. She pulled herself up while the wind whistled, and the angle of descent intensified.

    Back on the tower overlooking the runway, beads of sweat were running like a flood. The payload was rapidly descending, and it looked much too quick. They held their breath as it got closer and closer to exploding on the tarmac. The big rig started scraping as sparks flew from underneath, and everyone winced. At the last second Rusty six angled upwards, and the cargo lifted back into the air. Then it slowed a bit before the magnet dropped the payload that slid forward in one piece. The air control tower burst into cheers as Rusty six bounced once, and came to a stop at the very end of the runway.

    Killin Hood raced to the area in his zeppelin. By the time he was on the ground of the airstrip the medical personnel were wheeling off body after body from Rusty Six.

    ¡°Your highness, something brutally murdered all these men not long ago,¡± said the doctor, beside a dozen waiting hearses.

    ¡°Yes I should have known that somebody would try to sabotage my wedding. Any clues to what did it," he asked.

    "Yes it appears to be a very edgy hook that did it, they didn''t stand a chance," said the doctor, as he left.

    "I want the city on lock down immediately, and a line established with my witch wherever she has run off to,¡± said Killin Hood.

    ¡°Yes sir,¡± said the highest ranking general, climbing into his waiting limo.

    Killin Hood approached the big rig with a frown. He grabbed a hold of the hose to the tanker, and hit the spray. A stream of desert sand came rushing out where the prized liquid was supposed to be.

    ¡°REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!¡±

 78: Eye of the Tiger

    Jed fell sideways through the sky chock full of green smoke clouds choking him out. The temperature was rapidly dwindling, just like the distance remaining to impact. An explosion cracked overhead like a firecracker. He felt his eyes bulging, while his ears popped, and rang. It was caused by either the sonic boom, or a change in pressure. He had to close his eyes, with them threatening to freeze while the back of his neck was scolded red from the flames chasing him through the sky.

    The fast winds forced frigidaire down his inflamed throat, while his chest hurt like it had been kicked by a horse. The air was cleaning him out, but it didn''t appear to be as deadly as before. He must have fallen away from the green gas at some point, but the witch''s special brand of toxicity still seeped deep into his pours.

    He was falling, spinning, and flailing out of control. The end would be rapidly approaching, and he was in the dark for it. He held tightly onto his six shooter for maybe a final shot at shooting his foe midair. Now that would be a hat trick, if only he wasn¡¯t currently blind as a bat. The butterflies formally screaming in his stomach had gone to sleep with his leg. He must have already died because this descent was getting comically extended.

    Jed forced open one eye, the other seemed frozen shut. The vision slowly came into focus to see a fast approaching threat. A zone of ice, and snow rapidly approaching his downfall. He struggled angling himself to a better position for impact, and almost lost the revolver overboard. He just managed to turn around so he would at least fall on his backpack full of cushioning.

    ¡°Puff¡±. The snow ate his body, while his vision faded to black.

    ¡°Brrrrr,¡± cried the snow.

    A frostbitten arm pushed through holding a loaded gun. The steam from hot breath billowed out next. Jed pulled himself out of the hole in the ground, shimmying with his midsection, and kicking with his legs. He shivered with fingers threatening to undergo the same cold-bluing as his barrel. He put his gun in its hip holster, and pulled off his pack to dump its contents.

    He had a fire-starter, but no wood, a can of sardines under ice, two pairs of dirty socks now slapped over his wrists, and then his buck knife pulled from the sheath. He began sawing a hole into the end of his sleeping bag. Finally he pulled the zipped together stuffed cotton bag overhead, fastening it over his body so there were only the legs sticking out the opening, and small slits to see out. He left the empty backpack in the dust, and headed for the hills.

    A wolf howling accompanied the whipping winds of winter. The blizzard knocked big snowflakes around making long distance visibility impossible. It appeared to be the same situation for any life without shelter. It looked like another final resting place for this dead man walking. He didn¡¯t actually know how he got here, so maybe the dying part had already happened. If he had died he felt cheated, because he wasn¡¯t doing the final resting he had been promised. Jed continued putting one foot in front of the other just like he had been doing all his life.

    The hard ice crushed underfoot while his armored boots threatened to freeze up. The cold was debilitating, numbing, and dumbing. At least the wind had completely died leaving sight of a snow covered mountain range in the distance. The northern lights, twinkling stars, and a single full moon colored what appeared to be a frozen lake he was standing on. He limped forward over the ice of with a mind that already seemed to be subconsciously surrendering to the end. The snow dusted trees taunted him from the banks far away. No matter the grit, and willpower contained in this cowboy he needed a miracle to save his ass.

    ¡°1¡­2..3.4 ... .5¡­¡­6¡­¡­777¡­..8¡­9..10¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­¡­... .11¡±...

    He counted to himself internally in order to mentally to keep himself busy before the end of the path. Something broke as hoofs ran out from underneath him. Jed threw back the sleeping sack over his head, and reached for his weapon. A white tail ran away from him into the dark, while he fumbled to pick up the revolver with his oven mitt like socks for gloves. A deep growling dropped his blood subzero.

    ¡°ROOOAAAAAAAR!¡± hissed the incoming attacker. This tale has been unlawfully lifted without the author''s consent. Report any appearances on Amazon.

    Jed stood nakedly exposed to the elements of nature. He gripped on the cold metal of his only weapon.

    ¡°Bang, Bang, Bang..click¡­shit!¡±

    The charging saber toothed tiger grinned. It shrugged off the little bullets launched at its pelt like bee stings. Jed ducked into cover, while the big cat lunged at its target. The red blood coated the snow as the jugular of the deer was ripped open. Meanwhile Jed lost bullet after bullet from his bandolier trying to chamber them with shaking frozen hands. He cursed under his breath as the big cat turned not satisfied with its hunt yet. It crouched in a stalking position towards its next target, and vanished into the dark. Jed clicked in a single bullet.

    The man ran for his life towards the trees far away. He could feel the big animal breathing down his neck. The cat bounded on the run, and pounced with saber tooth''s set to skewer. Jed turned, and jumped to get out of the way, but slipped on the ice. He slid on his back while the predator overshot. Its claws angrily dug in while it slid forward like it was on skates. The animal drooled that formed instantly frozen pools, while its nostrils shot steam. It slowly moved in to try a new snack.

    Jed steadied his aim from the ground with both hands, and somehow managed to cling to his blade. The cat opened its mouth revealing stained teeth. The man aimed for the curling tung. The predator grew closer and closer cautiously moving to avoid slipping again. Jed¡¯s entire body was shaking from the adrenaline, but he didn¡¯t give into the fear. He held onto his gumption, and the weapons. The beast fully opened its mouth drooling icy stuff on him, as it lifted a pawn to strike.

    ¡°BANG!¡±

    Jed fed it with a shot right down the gullet, stabbed the outstretched paw skewering it in place in the ice, before kicking out the animal''s other front leg that had not raised to claw him. It fell face first smacking its head with its its sabers stuck just like his knife. A hole in its head clawing blindly, while it was hissing in agony. He backed away while the beast slowly completed dying.

    The adrenaline kept him going for now. It was going to wear off soon, and he would be stuck out in the open with nothing. He rapidly scanned for his fallen sleeping bag, and gloves, but there were no signs of them. Time was running thin, and he had lost most feeling in his extremities. His finger tips were in danger of being taken even nestled as deep inside his thin flannel jacket as he could fit them. He quivered uncontrollably from the frozen wasteland.

    The carcass of the kill would have to make do until morning. Jed couldn¡¯t even find the dead deer, he turned round again as his stomach dropped like the temperature. He spotted the big shadow of the slain predator a far ways back. He spotted something blow into the air as the wind howled through, and then dropped dead again. He slowly approached, and discovered his makeshift coat, and a glove. He quickly cut a single arm hole in the sleeping bag for what he would have to do next in order to live until morning.

    Jed''s body creaked under cover, as he awkwardly managed to put another bullet in his gun using his teeth. The man and beast''s eyes met, and both were saddened at their respective situations. Jed felt a primal connection established with the animal that wasn¡¯t really all that different from himself. He blew out a sigh of relief, while it groaned in pain.

    ¡°Bang!¡±

    Jed put the animal out of its misery. It was survival of the fittest, and now misery was his only company. He started slicing open the beasts stomach with his knife. His face was hit with fierce smells, but the hot air leaking out felt better. He pulled out the intestine, stomach, heart, some other parts, and drained as much blood as he could. The blizzard had started howling with the wolves again, as he climbed inside cover for the night.

    The next day a mangy looking donkey hauled an unconscious bloodied cowboy throughout the desert. The pack was loaded with a large keg on the rear that swung with the tail. The tumbleweeds blew by haphazardly between a lone outhouse, and a strip mine that had gone dry. The boss battle was over leaving the witch dead in the ditch, but it had taken a tremendous toll on both of them. Jed had returned from the core with just enough energy to shoot her dead, before passing out cold again. Mule no longer had the energy to take up anything but his base donkey form.

    The three suns of Tenare topped the sky at high noon. The road had grown full of composting leaves, while the surrounding trees were lifeless. A sign was sunburned too badly to tell where they were going. A deserted tollbooth was rusted permanently open. The old bridge they crossed was more orange than the dry rocks below it. A bend took them climbing a small hill.

    On the other side an old farming house greeted them in the distance. The plots were mostly barren, the trees orange at best, and the soil unrecoverable. There seemed to be clothes hung on lines in tatters above wilted grass. A tractor sat out front of a wrap around porch half buried. Mule lifted his nostrils to something that smelled good, and broke into a sly smile.

    ¡°Jed, don''t you smell that bud? It''s something cooking. It''s apple pie this time, I''m sure of it,¡± and Mule, breaking into a gallop.

    Jed groaned like a zombie in response, his mind still lingering in the frozen wasteland core far from home.

 79: Ladies Love Outlaws

    The few remaining russet colored leaves blew in the gentle breeze. Mule galloped down a long dirt road with the precious cargo strapped to his back. He ran by a mailbox full of rusty holes and an equally bent out of shape sign declaring this was ¡°Copperhead Rd¡±. Up ahead the farmhouse greeted them with a big stone chimney and boarded upper windows.

    Mule left the road for the dead lawn. There the rotten fibers of a hammock were roped around a big oak tree and porch as it swung. The decking on this side was bent, stripped of paint, and rotting like the jack o''lantern that grinned at them. It had a big hole in it with boards half nailed in a renovation never completed. The siding shingles were stained from decades of weathering and the curtains were drawn tightly hiding the guts of the home from peeping donkeys.

    An acorn fell off the single oak tree out front smacking the sleeping cowboy in the face. He remained out cold, laying tied on his animals back while the beast put its snout to the ground and started sucking up acorns, eating the juicy insides, and spitting out the spent shells.

    The breeze blew in the fresh smell of apples, buttered crust, and cinnamon. Mule licked his lips, and started around to the other side of the dwelling towards the smell of fresh pie. Out front the paint was still chipped away and the wood well worn. There was some green grass overgrowing, and an orchid of apple trees full of ripening fruit.

    Nearby a well with a hand pump sat next to a rock wall. A deserted rocking chair on the porch, and a small table full of ice tea. The apple pie steamed from the open kitchen window where it sounded like dishes were being scrubbed vigorously. This place was definitely inhabited. Mule started backing away from the pastry he had intended to eat. Jed groaned out in pain while he was covered in sweat, trapped deep in the depths of another nightmare.

    ¡°Who¡¯s out there?¡± a woman''s voice called from inside.

    Mule turned to run, but the door suddenly swung open, and a shotgun was loudly pumped in warning.

    ¡°Now what do we have here?¡± a young woman demanded, aiming at them.

    She wore worn jeans, her dirty blonde hair pulled back in a tight bun, freckles all over, and looked mean despite being only 21. Mule gulped, but decided to play dumb about his true power level. He walked forward with his best begging face. He nuzzled at her rolled up sleeves unafraid of the loaded action.

    ¡°Oh boy it looks like a couple lost puppies. Well sorry times are tight andI can¡¯t afford to feed another invalid, no work no houses now shoo get out of here you wild things,¡± she yelled, trying to spook them.

    Mule continued practicing his sad boy routine.

    ¡°You dumb beast. Ugh pulling at my heartstrings just like pa used to play his fiddle at the square dances in the corn field parties close to town. Anyways we could use a mule for farm work, and I suppose we can fix that cowboy as compensation.. At least he ain''t hurtin nobody in that condition,¡± she sighed.

    She set her gun against the house and fished the gun from Jed¡¯s belt. Next she took the lasso, and tied it to the front porch, and around Mule¡¯s neck. He didn¡¯t resist. Jed was thrown over her muscled shoulder and hauled inside.

    ¡°You wait here and I''ll get you something to eat, after I take care of the sick men.¡±

    Jed was dragged through the big kitchen where a pot of water boiled. The wallpaper was yellowing and old fashioned, so was the furniture in the den. She kicked open the next door with her dirty farming boots. Inside there were two single beds, it was dark, and smelled like death. One of the beds was occupied by an old man who lay still under thick covers wheezing occasionally. Jed was tossed into the other one in a similar state of poor affairs.

    ¡°Now papa I know you always warned me about helping strangers, but I don¡¯t have it in me to turn this one away when he looks like he''s probably going to die anyway, and in the meantime I intend to borrow his animal to make our payments on time again,¡± she said, taking her fathers withered hand revealing crystal scales.

    The old man''s eyes were cloudy when he opened them. He weakly nodded in acknowledgement, it wasn¡¯t clear if he was really all there. She rolled back his covers revealing more mutations. He grasped her hand and tried to cough, but it barely sounded more than a wisp.

    ¡°Oh papa you gotta eat,¡± she said, picking up a plate on the bedside table.

    She picked up a spoon, and forced him to eat his mashed up vegetables. Jed continued sweating in the next bed while breaking into a cold sweat. The woman took the plate, and went back to the kitchen. She scooped squash, potato, and onions out of the boiling kettle, and brought the leftovers outside.

    Mule was drooling as he stared down the fresh pie in the window. He wished for nothing else other than to rube his entire face in it and lick up every last drop. The author''s content has been appropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.

    ¡°Well here you are a beast,¡± Bessie interrupted, sliding assorted vegetables towards Mule.

    He stuck his nose up at the blended roots.

    ¡°Yuck brussel sprouts,¡±

    She laughed ¡°You would rather have that pie huh, well sorry when I¡¯m done tending to your friend, and you help me out with my chores around the farm I¡¯ll feed you some for dessert as a reward alright,¡±

    She strode across the yard to the well. The cast iron pump squealed while fresh water shot into a bucket. She took the five gallon back towards the house, stopping to pick up the plate of vegetables licked clean.

    Inside she poured a silver bowl half full filling the rest with the hot water, then filled a rubber hot water bottle. Next she got a fresh linen and threw it into the bowl. The hot rag was ringed like a chicken¡¯s neck and placed over unconscious Jed¡¯s forehead. The bottle behind his neck as he was nursed back to health by the farmer''s daughter. He was moving in his sleep trying to fight back against something invisible in his nightmares by suddenly grabbing at her.

    ¡°SLAP!¡±

    Jed was slapped at full force with calloused hands back into a peaceful slumber. Bessie hummed, cleaning his freezer burnt hands, and wrapped over them with roach honey coated bandages.

    ¡°Now to find what you''ve got strapped to your animal. What kind of man are you, mister? I must find out in case you are no good,¡± she said, walking away to outside.

    ¡°Alright mule my name is Bessy, now I''m gonna untie you and your cargo there, and leave it on the porch while we work to do,¡± she said, reaching for the tie.

    Mule resisted untying the keg of jungle juice due to its rarity, and illegal status. They probably still had a couple days to deliver it on time, but he couldn''t really remember. It was important that Jed was there to collect the money so he didn''t have to show himself, and could remain incognito.

    ¡°Listen you there ain¡¯t nobody stealing anything in these parts, but we will lock it inside the house okay,¡± she assured Mule, and disarmed him further by scratching underneath both his ears.

    The keg was rolled inside, and locked in a closet. Mule watched her every move through the screen door. Bessy returned outside, and untied Mule.They walked off the porch, and into the dooryard with her guiding him past a chicken coop filled with squawking hens. A cow pasture was filled with piles of hay, but no no animals ahead. They took another path lined with wood chippings. Past a pile of split wood, and an ax stuck in a stump a fence was lined with the hearty stocks of root vegetables growing underneath them. An old fashioned mini plow sat covered in cobwebs, and dust.

    ¡°Maybe you folks can help us finish gettin ready for the winter season, I suppose that¡¯s my angle for taking you in,¡± said Bessy, tying Mule to the plow.

    Bessie gripped the handlebars while Mule began to work. They tilled away with the tool as the donkey slowly pulled. The softened soil revealed plenty of hearty potatoes scattered throughout the loose dirt.

    ¡°Well that¡¯s one row we got done, hopefully I can get at least a dozen more out of you Mule, but for now stay put¡± said Bessie, grabbing a five gallon bucket hanging from a fence post.

    She worked the ground over shaking out vegetables and throwing them in the container. When it was full she dumped it off onto a well worn trailer, and hung the bucket back. Mule swatted away flies with his tail whilst he watched. He was rearing to get back into the thick of it by the time she returned. The faster they went the faster he could get the apple pie he wanted so bad. The road had been rough when it came to getting a home cooked meal.

    ¡°Ok buddy just one more row to clear,¡± said Bessie, patting Mules back, and making sure his condition was good.

    The first sun was setting while they still worked away on the fields.

    ¡° Phew,'''' she exclaimed, resting against the handlebars of the plow. ¡±You know After mama died giving birth to what was supposed to be my brother that left me and papa alone, the drought hit us hard when I was just a little girl. we were gonna lose everything so papa had to go work in the mines, We had to sell our horses, and cattle, but he saved us from ruin by working hard as a man ever could, now it''s my job to keep everything going because he sacrificed his health to save the farm, anyway thank you for helping,¡±.

    She unhooked Mule, and led him past the full trailer of roots.

    ¡°I hope your friend is a quarter as hard a worker as you because when he wakes up he¡¯s going to unload these into the root cellar to pay for his room and board,¡± she finished.

    They walked back on the path towards the big farmhouse. Jed surprised them by rocking the chair limply on the porch. His beard was disheveled and his neck looked caked in blood. His clothes were tattered, eyes wild and his face looked haggard, and burned. He stared far out into space while they approached.

    ¡°You look even worse than I remember you this morning, but I suppose you''re awake, mister,¡± said Bessie.

    ¡°Aye, I wondered where Mule went, Good he found you or you found us miss because I was a goner for sure, my name Jed,¡± he said, extending a bandaged hand to shake.

    ¡°I am Bessie, nice to meet you, might I ask what kind of work you do?¡± she inquired.

    ¡°I am a retired soldier turned trucker who used to be carrying a big rig loaded for a very special wedding. Unfortunately we were attacked by a gang of evil witches who pirated our cargo. I¡¯m glad Mule didn¡¯t abandon me because I would have never fought my way out alone, but I still feel like I¡¯m trapped in an unreal dream,¡± said Jed.

    ¡°No matter if you need to eat your supper so you can recover, your animal is doing enough for now to account for the both of you to stay at the moment,¡± she said, holding out a hand.

    ¡°Nice to meet you. Hopefully we won¡¯t stay any longer than necessary, tomorrow morning we ought to be on the road again,¡± said Jed, shaking her hand.

    ¡°I¡¯ll get you some of papa¡¯s clothes to change into so you look presentable for suppa,¡± she said.

    The dinner was served on a table dressed with a simple cloth. The food was honey ham, yam, mashed potatoes with butter and steamed dandelions. Jed ate on either end of the table while Mule had a bowl underneath. There was an old mining helmet hung proudly on the wall next to pictures of a far younger Pa clearing land. Mule devoured his dinner in seconds and was already licking at the big slice of apple pie that was his payment. Bessie had dinner with her father in his room.

 80: The Final Season

    ¡°ALERT, ALERT!¡±

    The sirens blurted out on the bad side of the capital city. The dirty streets flooded with acid rain as spotlights patrolled where even the guard didn¡¯t dare set foot. A dark alley blew trash in the wind briefly illuminated by passing patrol.

    A cardboard box scuttled between two dumpsters while glass bottles smashed below it. The hook sliced straight through taped flaps of the box revealing Edward standing outside a power station. He felt winded, putting his hand over his chest and felt the artificial witches hard slowing to a crawl. He was rapidly losing steam and all hope of completing revenge. His eyes locked onto the fuzebox seconds before his hook.

    ¡°ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaap!¡±

    The searchlights continued searching for the fugitive lurking on the loose with his purple colored crystal cutting murder machine tucked up his sleeve. He had a humpback and walked like a spent pimp. Edward was a prowler wearing a camouflage of trash collected on the road. His armor includes bent signs mixed with trash can lids and a tattered tarp draped over his ever expanding crystal cyst deposits. The hook was now permanently fused to him due to his evolving mutations. He could retract it into a pouch in his ever swelling cancerous stump of a hand. If somebody wanted to steal his precious treasure again it would be virtually impossible.

    A massive neon sign marked this the ¡°Players area.¡± A casino that still wore the significance of dead King Mardin the 4th. His majesty''s approval rating was currently at record highs rehabilitated by nostalgia and time spent not returning from the dead. The outside of the building was littered with bums, with the bouncer asleep at the wheel. The posters of long lost blockbusters tacked with years of papers weathered beyond deciphering.

    The kingdom hadn¡¯t had a tre revolution to uproot Mardin¡¯s seeds he had planted everywhere during his lifetime. All over growing wild here the coconut and palm trees littered growing from cracks in the curbside. Whilst the old man was still alive he had the entry covered in officially commissioned graffiti that had been long overcrowded with outsider artists.

    Inside the dirty bar was filled with stale smoke, old gossip and wrinkly thin folk. The buffet had a few syrupy hotplates, fried food, and flies. Edward set forth a route down the yellow brick road of fading gold. He walked underneath a giant flying balloon painted in his fathers image, although they no longer technically shared the same bloodline. The poker tables sat unmanned full of dust. The ancient zombie piano player in the corner slowly hit his notes to a crawling bpm of 34 in D minor waltz. There were many neon displays flashing corny words, pretty ladies, and spinning prizes. The waiter carried out a tray of nachos with the cheese dripping onto the floor. A slot machine matched a picture of three Terp¡¯s and a jingle began to play with flashing lights.

    ¡°Crystals are for all to worship, when we go they take us home, the more you expose yourself in life the better the chance of winning the odds for better reincarnation favors, you oddball getting paid by the house,¡± A voice sang accompanied by horns.

    ¡°Clink, clack, clunk.¡± the coins started raining into a nearby rewards tray.

    An old geezer lifted a mask hooked by tubing to a small air supply crystal in celebration. His eyes were too preoccupied with growing greed to see the creature sneaking behind. The lady at the front desk spotted him though.

    ¡°Hello sir, can I help you?¡± She called, lifting up the phone and mumbling something shady to a third party.

    Edward lurched out of the shadows revealing his mutations run rampant.

    ¡°I¡¯m visiting a friend upstairs,¡± he croaked, still cloaked underneath the cloak made of tarp.

    ¡°Uhm sir the hotel portion is closed, all rooms are closed for renovations,¡± she said, holding her nose, before whispering something even lower into the phone.

    ¡°Do you need directions to the hospital sir,¡± a man¡¯s voice called behind.

    Edward lumbered past the front desk as she ducked for cover. A security guard had a knife in one hand and some kind of gizmo in his other. He cautiously followed the strange creature from a safe distance.

    ¡°I have a room upstairs, and I need to retrieve what¡¯s mine,¡± hissed the aimless monster.

    The hook shot out sailing over the man dolphin diving to the floor. The chain clanked as it retracted from the water fountain and the shooting fluid.

    ¡°Run,¡± said the guard.

    The woman sprinted from the desk out of there with a janitor who ran from the bathroom. The hook clicked back into place. Edward aimed it again. He walked forward to close range and harpooned the pursuer to the floor. The taser he held shocked another victim to the final frontier.

    ¡°Ooo yeah gimme my juice,¡± said Edward, retracting the bloody corpse on the winch built into his arm connecting the hook via cable.

    He kicked away the dead grabbing the prize he had been looking for.

    ¡°Zap!¡±

    It wasn¡¯t much, but the looted taser would keep him going for now. He walked past an elevator of screaming people as the door closed just in time for them to escape. The door to the stairs was kicked open. Edward climbed atop the railing and looked up. His hook shot after his gaze smashing somewhere in the roof it stuck. He zipped straight up climbing to the top with ease.

    The door to the ¡°Kings suite¡± was knocked off its hinges. The area was dark until the shudders over the lights were rolled back. The place was cleaned spotless and smelled of fresh mint. He walked forward. A big trunk in the corner shuddered. It began to rumble as he approached it. Edward cursed to himself clumsily fooling around with the lock. He smashed it in one fell motion. The truck flipped open revealing an elf tied and gagged in a princess costume inside.

    ¡°Well Hello there, it¡¯s a good thing elf¡¯s can hibernate for long periods of time in order to stay thin and don¡¯t shit,¡± said Edward ripping off the duct tape over their face.This content has been misappropriated from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

    He cut off the ropes that bound them.

    ¡°I completely forgot the guys kidnapped you into the back of our tour bus so I could be forced to marry you. Oh well I¡¯m sorry I used to be committed to such evil causes, but I¡¯ve run out of time so it is what it is to get lost,¡± he finished, slashing the ropes off the hostage.

    The elf ran away quickly. The coast was clear to get out the big guns. An ¡°Eval¡± branded panel peeled away on input of a juvenile 8008 code hastily typed into a hidden keypad. In a secret alcove was a jet pack and an extremely convenient upgrade for the hook he possessed. He struggled strapping on the pack with only one human hand. The hook upgrade was a snap-on defensive accessory: a magnet combined with a defense crystal that was an emergency shield. He could pull things towards him in two entirely different ways now.

    Outside the moons were full. The party of three sat behind the curtain at the end of the hallway, with one watching the walls, and two chewing into fresh lean meat. Edward left the building by smashing out of the skylight due to the overheating pack of magma propulsion power. Mickey rushed to the door to keep it open.

    ¡°Psst he''s been cheating on you Nancy,¡± said Ratom, lifting up his bloody lips from the elven princess¡¯s throat.

    ¡°Enough you runt,¡± said Nancy, the blind skeleton wearing dented elven plotting armor.

    ¡°Let''s get out of here and see where he flies before we lose him again,¡± cried Mickey, his body folding in on itself at the seams.

    Nancy tossed a Farc crystal into a panel, and hit the trigger. A portal opened into a wall, but she smacked the plaster nearby.

    ¡°This way,¡± said the leprechauns taking her bony fingers into the portal heading straight to the center of the planet.

    Outside the figure sputters out in between the duel full moons. The jet-pack wasn¡¯t holding up, and the figure came crashing down. A metal roof was ripped up as the creature armored by crystal scales landed in a hay bale.

    Edward barged through a wall and sped into the next room. It was dark until he plowed through a register, and floated onto the street with dollar bills falling through the air. The monster continued its rampage down a nightmare alley towards whatever it picked to victimize as the next target.

    A power station hummed ahead. This was a big one. There wasn¡¯t any time to play any stealthy games with Killin Hood. Now was the time to strike head on, and while the element of surprise was an option. A set of three Knights had been deployed to guard the area. They patrolled in shifts, and only one was up after midnight. He smoked a corn cob behind the small wooden guard post. The light was on and the gate was down.

    ¡°Smash.¡±

    The knight almost fell off his chair, but quickly recovered. He pulled a knob underneath his desk ringing the alarm. Then he ran out with his crystal cutting sword drawn. The electricity surged out shooting straight into his veins. It exploded into sparks. The streetlights stalled, and the record playing in the dinner next door skidded to a halt with the bus that crashed lamely. The two remaining knights were awoken. They came steaming out of their barracks towards the commotion. The creature rolled in the power station soaking up the gigawatts. His skeleton smoked, and his bones lit up with surges of juice.

    ¡°Ahh that''s better,¡± hummed Edward, walking from the open electrode stone he had been fondling.

    The knights aimed their guns.

    ¡°Halt, final warning,¡± said one.

    Edward ignored them, and they started blasting him. He activated his magnetic shield. The bullets were stopped mid air by the purple bubble that formed with a yellow outline. The projectiles began to turn on those that had fired them. The knights tried to run as the bullets shot with the launched hook. The hook completely missed harpooning a car. The bullets filled both retreating knights with holes.

    Meanwhile the multi day royal wedding had been put on hold on day 4 of twelve. Killin Hood had departed Capital City on an airship in the very early morning. Now he and his carefully selected posse flew towards their destination. They entered the desert biome by suppertime landing where dessert was served melting ice cream sandwiches with lime breading.

    There were already several drop-ships parked next door gathering Isabella''s dead body on a stretcher on route to the morgue. The tracks were being followed by blood hounds that barked happily to hunt. The tumbleweeds and birds were shot on sight and the cactus were already extinct.

    ¡°Sir, down the valley we have located donkey tracks,¡± called a voice over the crystal band Terp receiver.

    ¡°Alright I''ll be right on down,¡± said Killin Hood, revving his big hog.

    He drove his ivory motorcycle, with at least half of it constructed of endangered species and crystal. It revved ear splittingly loud moving five feet off a steel off the ramp from the cargo hold. The vehicle had sharp tusks that would impale anything that got in the way. The desert sat empty in the night due to every mammal hiding except the soldiers ahead that had thrown a flare at their feet a mile down.

    The bike jumped off a ledge, and skidded down a rock ramp. It revved up a bend blowing up gravestones of a small cemetery under the spiked tires.

    ¡°See them tracks there sir,¡± yelled the special ops goon, pointing on the fast approach..

    The bike purred stalking beside the soldiers. It flew out of the tall grass, circled them like a predator. The kickstand hit the ground.

    ¡°I think I have a pretty good idea of the final loose end that needs to be cleaned up before I get my happy ending,¡± said Killin Hood, crouching to the ground for a closer inspection.

    ¡°This isn¡¯t the work of a normal donkey,¡± he finished, adjusting his hunting gloves.

    He took out a fresh from the factory multi shot crossbow. It had bolts loaded with all sorts of crystal ends to snuff out life in different ways. The man would be a cakewalk to kill, but the other thing traveling with was the hunt of a lifetime. A one of a kind thing to be the only person to ever kill. He strapped the crossbow to his back as something vibrated in his pocket. The banana phone was ringing off the hook.

    ¡°Hello?¡± said Killin Hood, peeling back the receiver.

    ¡°Yes this is the morgue we have your dead witch here,¡± said the voice on the other end.

    ¡°Yes, get her back from the core at any cost, a zombie caster of a spell I desire to heed my commands going forward to raise more soldiers,¡±.

    ¡°Yes sir,¡±.

    Killin Hood checked his messages. There were three, and the first two were ads he skipped through. The next one was an alert from his wife. His stepchild had gotten loose out of prison. She was ready to be controlled into a boss battle.

    ¡°Keep following this trail, and eliminate the two if possible, I''ll have to continue following this thread a little later,¡± said Killin Hood, heading back.

    ¡°Yes sir chanted the men," a squadron of thirty seven more were hot on their heels. .

    Killin Hood drove back up the ramp onto his airship. He boarded into the cargo hold, and quickly headed to the bridge. He stuck his head into the doorway.

    ¡°Scramble us back to the capital city on the double,¡±.

    ¡°Yes sir."

    Killin Hood retired to his quarters where he had work to do. The brat was about to get cooked. He powered on an analog TV connected to a gaming console. Next he picked up a remote control, and slid the antenna out as high as it would head. The screen lit up with a blurry feed of Queen Elizabethy''s cyborg eyes.

    He pushed down the right bumper, and her chainsaw revved on a great delay. The other trigger shot flames from her jet-pack, and her into the sky. She had already been equipped with her zillion energy crystal belt that had all twelve crystals inside. A bunch of switches that only Killin Hood could understand. It was time for that luxury to shine through vaporizing what remained of the son that had gone rabid.

 81: Electric Arc

    Elizabethy 13th was still Queen of the kingdom, but had been turned into a cyborg. She was propelled forward through the skies by her jet-pack. Killin Hood controlled her actions covertly via a remote controller. He sped through the skies himself in his chopper. He was too far away to have the permanent control that he desired. He struggled mightily with a signal that was so wonky.

    ¡°Sir, we have located the target and juice on a farm. Do you want us to attack now or wait?¡± asked the static voice over the banana phone.

    ¡°Wait for now, but if I don¡¯t get back to you in an hour, send in the zombies,¡± instructed Killin Hood.

    ¡°Yes sir.¡±

    Meanwhile Edward was in fully monstrous form. He roamed the streets of Capital City where he continued stalking and eating unsuspecting young prey of legal drinking age. His monster mind was no longer capable of thinking long term beyond instant hits of dopamine. His fuze had reached the end of its burn and his top would soon explode. The taser was out of juice doing nothing when he tried to amp himself up to keep living. He aimed for the top of a pole carrying an electric line. The block went out dark, as his synthetic heart was put in by a wicked witch kicked back into gear. Edward whistled down a dead street re-energized.

    The ancient apartment building in the crime filled district was dark. He let himself into the entry that smelled of roaches past the sleeping host, secured behind a defensive barrier. The stairs were covered in crap as his heavy feet shook the building with every step. A man taking a break from painting saw him and bolted onto the fire escape. Edward continued singing to himself as he clobbered down the hallway. He pushed open his room dragging the victim after him.

    An hour later the water boiled away his latest catch. His fancy business shoes stuck out of the steaming pot, as the rice cooked in a separate pan beside it. The apartment had no furniture and only had his guitar resting in the corner without an amp to power it. There was a knock on the door.

    ¡°I¡¯ll be right there,¡± said Edward, removing the leather shoes and pushing the meat into the boiling pot so the lid would close.

    He flicked a switch activating his hook spinning in place and grinding up the evidence like a garbage disposal. The knocking on the door intensified into a frenzy.

    ¡°Oh knock it off, I''ll be right there,¡¯ said Edward, opening the pantry.

    He grabbed hold of the allspice, MSG, garlic salt, cinnamon sticks, and a splash of apple cider vinegar. It was all added to the dish and now the door was to be answered. He walked through the desolate dump of an apartment. The living room table was covered in menthol cigarette butts and empty light beer cans. The couch had been spotted like swiss cheese and the bed still hadn''t been made from the previous tenant so he threw em out the window. This was a desperate state of affairs acquired with cash on a short term basis. The entry was caked in cobwebs, exposed insulation and crystal residue that occasionally peeled off him just like skin. He was dropping little scales every time he slowly morphed further along the evolutionary line into an ever growing monstrosity. The door exploded into nothing.

    ¡°It¡¯s time to put you down. King''s orders,¡± shrieked Queen Elizabethy on the other side.

    She flew at him while activating her flashing crystal belt. A multi-colored high powered laser shined brightly and sliced through the building like butter. The roof started collapsing while the building shook. There went Edward''s chances of escaping as a brick smacked him in the noggin.. Elizabethy cut the floor bending that side on a precipice and he started slipping. Her monster spawn went smashing out the window and the lights went out.

    ¡°Haha game over,¡± laughed Killin Hood into the microphone built into his bride''s remote controller.

    He pushed down hard on the joystick and the right trigger advancing his wife forward while her chainsaw revved into overdrive. She smashed through two walls and apart the dining room table in the next room grinding anything else that got in the way. The window was broken just like her. She approached and looked down to confirm the kill. A line started whirring as it was hauled in quickly.

    ¡°Wham!¡±

    Edward zipped back inside on his hook punching her. She sawed a hole in the floor that smelled of sweet sawdust and mesothelioma before falling to the next floor revving chainsaw to repeat the cutting process. Edward aimed at a spoonful of dinner with his spare hand and fired at another tall building in the surrounding cityscape with his hook. After three more mouthfuls he zipped after his launched anchor.

    ¡°Grrrrr..,¡± growled Killin Hood, unable to stop the saw from operating from afar.

    ¡°25 minutes until we get back to the city outskirts,¡± said the helicopter pilot.

    ¡°Good it will be the final showdown for this family,¡± said Killin Hood, cracking his knuckles one by one.

    The markets were mostly closed at night except for a single vendor that served breakfast. Edward¡¯s hook rang a bell above as he descended onto the square. The pidgins dove for cover with the rats. He broke apart the top of a closed stall that flattened upon landing. The people ran for cover of the nearby buildings screaming.

    ¡°Grrrrr,¡± growled Edward, lumbering forward.

    His hook was going to get him places including the dam. He aimed and shot a line as far overhead as this portion of the kingdom it would go. This would get the new King¡¯s attention and draw him out, then they could fight mono on monopoly. His launcher exploded with a cloud of stinky puss and all he could do was laugh to stop the hurting inside.

    Edward went hurtling towards the hydroelectric power plant. He stopped the chain of hauling mid air activating his magnetic shield. It yanked him downward right towards the cased electrical crystal batteries the dam powered. His hook left dangling above as his hardened skeleton impacted the casing. He was fading fast again and needed to be shocked immediately. Edward beat on the warning labels of high voltage in a tantrum.

    ¡°FUCK not like this. I need my juice,¡± he screamed.

    A jetpack soared over the dam bringing in the Queen who had caught up.

    ¡°Daddy will be home soon to clean up the house in person but momma will give capital punishment now,¡± Killin Hood spoke through her installed microphone.

    Her belt started powering up.Did you know this text is from a different site? Read the official version to support the creator.

    ¡°Zaaaaap!¡±

    The dam was blasted. The water began flowing from cracks slowly growing in size. Edward was hit with enough electricity to fry 125 elephants. His hide was burned beyond recognition. His skeleton was smoking and his eyes glowing like a tactical nuke. Whatever remained living within him was being fried away to the core.

    Meanwhile Killin Hood''s chopper descended into the area. He divided his attention between the window and his toy on the ground. This kill of the final brat was a long time coming. What a fool he had been following his ego in thinking he could leave anything alive as a slave. Going forward it would only be zombies and cyborgs who would have those privileges. His special ops commando peeled back the cabin door just like a banana. Killin Hood took control of the chopper gunner killstreak mounted onboard.

    ¡°Honey you¡¯re on your own voon the ground over and out hahaha,¡± he laughed, pulling the trigger.

    The rotating barrels of the big gun began spinning up. The dam was salted with holes from the lead being launched downstream. The chopper changed direction and Edward was peppered with bullets some bounced off his most hard body parts. The pain crippled him as the dam burst above him covering him in liquid. Thousands of gallons of water swept forward knocking the Queen out of the sky. The chopper narrowly avoided getting dragged down by the waves. The water''s current ran away fast taking a row of houses in its path. The alarms blared as the newly crowned King glared down his scope above glowing red hot barrels.

    ¡°Boss, let''s hope that this is the end of this bad act,¡± said the pilot, following with a nervous laugh.

    ¡°Let¡¯s keep focused on the task at hand,¡± scolded Killin Hood.

    Edward emerged for air from below the surface triggering Killin Hood to start shooting. The magnetic defensive shield went back online reflecting bullets bouncing backwards towards their shooters.

    ¡°Gurgle,¡± gasped a knight onboard, holding an impacted throat.

    The monster descended back below the surface of the water. A dead body fell from the helicopter belly flopping a big splash in ringing armor. The co-pilot had also been hit, but the pilot was holding steady for the moment.

    ¡°We need to get out of here now,¡± said the pilot.

    ¡°Negative gets me lower,¡± said Killin Hood, turning the nozzle, and unfolding something he screwed together. ¡°HAHA his shields may repel bullets, but my flamethrower is a different animal.¡±

    The chopper pattroled lower to the stagnant waters, something popped up, and was promptly engulfed in flames.

    ¡°What¡¯s going on?¡± Asked Elizabethy calmly, unaware the heat had melted some of her face.

    ¡°Hey bitch get back underwater you brainless grrr. Sigh gotta do everything yourself,¡± seethed Killin Hood, turning down the gas to set his flame broiler down on the now empty seat.

    He grabbed the controller and almost broke it raging like a toddler. He eventually calmed enough to send his cyborg wife back underwater where she was safe from friendly fire.

    ¡°Thunk!¡±

    The dashboard lit up with alarms.

    ¡°We¡¯ve been hooked,¡± cried the pilot, struggling to keep control.

    A line hauled Edward sideways out of the water straight to the underside of the chopper. He reached up a hand that was burned off by liquid magma shot from Killin Hood. It also burned holes in the floor on the vehicle slowly gaining altitude.

    ¡°Yooow!¡± Cried Edward holding a melting hand showing skeleton bones.

    ¡°You die now¡± taunted through the cracks in the floor separating opponents.

    The metal groaned as the hook pulled out a big chunk of the chopper. Killin Hood shot a stream of flames through to the other side catching the nearby high rise rooftop garden on fire. Edward laughed as he shot out the blades spinning overhead. The chain connected to the hook spun out of control coiling around the rotor. The chopper crashed into the rooftop pool while the pilot was impaled to the seat with both halves of a blade. The occupants dragged underwater strapped into the helicopter.

    A crown showed above the waterline near where it said no diving. Something precocious was tossed onto dry ground. A man pulled himself onto the patio after a remote controller. He limped forward, and tumbled over a metal poolside table. He collapsed in a puddle bruised, battered and struggling for breath.

    The pool had become a gray mix of oil, gas, and blood. The empty tail rotors were the only part of the iceberg remaining above the surface. The water¡¯s bubbles began intensifying.

    ¡°Get back creature, I¡¯m afraid I made a grave mistake not immediately killing you,¡± said the man dripping wet, with a singed mustache.

    ¡°Hahahaha I win,¡± sputtered the waters parting away from the monster emerging.

    Edward aiming his hook.

    ¡°Not so fast!¡± Shrieked Elizabethy the 13th flying over in her jet-pack.

    Her chainsaw revved into battle as she landed next to the pool. Edward stepped into battle on the other side and taunted with his hand.

    ¡°We aren¡¯t related anymore, so I have no qualms about disrespecting your corpse,¡± he said.

    ¡°Off with his head honey,¡± yelled her husband from the sidelines.

    The sparks flew as the saw dug into the hook. Killin Hood dumped water out of the controller in the background trying to get it to work. He pushed down the trigger all the way as her belt began to shine. Killin Hood ducked as the flying hook smashed apart the roof above him raining bricks pulled out from above.

    Elizabethy fought her former child while the belt began humming as it charged up. Edward pushed down as the cut went towards her side. The saw cut out a small piece of her intestine while the fighting continued. The belt blasted him with the combined energy of all twelve crystals. His chest took the heat while the saw cut off his good arm.

    ¡°AAAAA,¡± cried Edward, as the hook limply hit the ground.

    The blood leaked from the body of the opponent now unarmed. The chainsaw was redirected towards the neck by the puppet master. He laughed pressing the button that directed his wife to begin sawing the neck off Edward. The severed head fell to the floor beside the hook. The mutated body fell backwards towards the smoking pool.

    ¡°Splash,¡±

    ¡°Well well I ain¡¯t the loser that¡¯s business taken care of. Hey honey what do you say for dinner out on the town we just painted red?¡± said Killin Hood, dusting himself off.

    ¡°How about pizza,¡± she said.

    ¡°Crack!¡±

    The hook¡¯s magnet upgrade had gone haywire after being hacked off. The Queen¡¯s belt was also magnetic sucking in the device. It flew back to it and impaled the zillion crystal belt that sputtered with electricity being overloaded. She was beginning to smoke more than the downed helicopter.

    A defense shield popped throwing parts towards the moons before the belt started shooting random blasts of mixed up elements threatening an unstable reaction as the sky lit rainbow colors. Killin Hood was smacked against the wall and knocked out cold with a follow up blast of ice. A farc portal was ripped open in another random blast launching forward before it sucked him inside.

    The winds started picking up and crackling as a tornado formed from the spare air while fire balls shot out sparking like fireworks. The Queen was beginning to overheat as the combined super crystal continued raining down random spells on the city that burned.

    ¡°Hurry up before it''s too late,¡± a voice scolded from the side.

    Two undead leprechauns were picked up by the wind and smacked into each other. One of them saw the severed head and grabbed it after getting up from the fall. They sprinted back across the roof, but one of the leprechauns was blown off.

    ¡°I''ve got it Nancy, but Mickey took a tumble,¡± yelled Ratom, tossing her Edward¡¯s head.

    ¡°No time we will find him later, let''s go revive him,¡± said Nancy, taking the leprechaun''s hand that guided her into her own portal.

    Outside on the roof the Queen was awash in a rainbow of colors. Her special belt rumbled as it emitted too much energy to handle. Her hair sizzled, while her cyborg helmet sparked, and screamed. A massive vortex was beginning to form in her core. The energy twisted off her arms, legs and head. It sucked everything in, and then exploded in a massive blast of nuclear energy taking out blocks of the city. There was nothing remaining of the Queen and as far as the kingdom knew. It was the same story for the other two lost rulers with everyone a loser.

 82: Punk is Dead

    A hazardous blizzard was strongly intensifying in the core. Edward¡¯s dead head was dragged along by his rapidly freezing tendrils. His mouth hung open slackjawed with his tongue sticking onto a cold metal pole. The animated bones of a skeleton in Elven plotting armor ripped it off like a bandage.

    Nancy the necromancer gripped her lifeless ex in one bony hand while her zombie seeing eye leprechaun led the other. They walked through the snowy wasteland as the wolves howled at the single full moon bathing them in its light. A mountain towered over them while the big snowflakes fell in the background.

    ¡°Are we there yet?¡± asked Nancy.

    ¡°We are almost there, quite asking,¡± said Ratom.

    ¡°Hey Eddy, hear that it¡¯s almost time to reincarnate you so you can join my harem of freaks isn''t that great,tehehehe,¡± cackled Nancy with a hoarse smokey skeletal voice.

    The blanketed white trees grew thin with the air. The pair slowly climbed, but had supernatural endurance to never stop advancing towards the goal. The path ahead had been tread before, but it was rapidly being filled in with fresh snowfall. A steep hill was where Ratom had taken them on a detour.

    ¡°Oooof!¡±.

    Nancy slipped and fell backwards dragging down the other two bodies with her. She slid like a bobsled zooming back down the mountain picking up steam. She lifted Edward¡¯s head, and smacked him into the ice using teeth as a brake. The three dead bodies hung off a cliff blowing in the sharp winds.

    ¡°I think we¡¯re stuck shit,¡± said Ratom, hanging off her armor.

    ¡°Nah I just need some air,¡± said Nancy, reaching blindly around with her freehand.

    She smacked Ratom in the head, knocking him off her back. She hung on to Edward while Ratom hung off her feet.

    ¡°Rat, would you fish the device out of my purse hidden in my armor,¡± she instructed.

    ¡°Ok where is it?,¡± said the zombie leprechaun, starting to climb back up.

    ¡°Hit the four leaf clover on the back in order top left, top right, top right, bottom left to unlock it,¡± she said.

    Ratom hit the clover as instructed and a hatch opened in one of the massive front breastplates.

    ¡°Jeez, I get to reach up there, and your purse too.. I must have graduated to be a harem member myself,¡± said Ratom climbing around to the front all excited.

    ¡°Nah, we''re just friends,¡± said Nancy.

    ¡°Dangit.¡±

    Ratom started fishing around inside the bag made of genuine human leather. He tossed a well lubed bone off the cliff after a pack of bubblegum. In the bottom of the bag he found several wrapped packages that felt like heavy stones.

    ¡°Alright witch, which one is it?¡± he asked.

    ¡°I don¡¯t know man, just start unwrapping. It''s a very light yellow.¡±

    The zombie leprechaun pet unwrapped the first package revealing a magma stone that started smoking. It was tossed off the cliff after the other items. Next he found two stones fused together yellow and white with the center mixing freely.

    ¡°Ok I got whatever this is now what?,¡± asked Ratom.

    ¡°Now just need a charge of electricity to activate it,¡± said Nancy.

    ¡°Ok, I''ll keep looking for an electric stone in here,¡± he said, continuing to shift through the purse contents.

    ¡°I don¡¯t have one in there, we have to find one, or get hit by lightning to activate it,¡± she said.

    ¡°Well then It looks like we''re screwed out here hanging on a cliffhanger farc,¡± growled Ratom.

    ¡°Hmmm you know the saying, three heads is better than one so do keep digging.¡±

    ¡°What is that supposed to mean?¡±

    ¡°Find a zombie crystal, it''s time to revive our third wheel and see if he''s got any ideas. There was never a time he wouldn¡¯t tell me what to do next.¡±

    ¡°Ok but I don¡¯t think he¡¯s gonna be doing much talking with a mouth full of granite haha,¡± chuckled Ratom.

    ¡°Just keep looking,¡± she scolded.

    ¡°Ah, here we go,¡± he said, holding the pitch black stone up to the moon.

    The wind smashed through and almost blew both stones out of his little hands. He bit into her arm like a chicken wing, grabbed one mid air, and the other fell into the bag.

    ¡°Phew good thing you can¡¯t see anything,¡± sighed Ratom, holding onto the stones like he was still alive.

    ¡°Can¡¯t see what?¡± asked Nancy.

    ¡°Nothing, I just have to climb to higher ground to get access to stabbing your little friend,¡± said Ratom, pulling himself upwards.Stolen story; please report.

    Edwards'' face looked mean even resting dead as a doorknob. The leprechaun peeled back his closed eye and aimed the sharpened crystal for its final destination. He aborted the mission at the last second. He would have slapped his head if he had a freehand.

    ¡°Wait a second Nancy when I stab this dude he¡¯s going to let go and let us fall off this cliff,¡± said Ratom.

    ¡°I didn¡¯t realize we were in that kind of predicament, and yeah if there''s someone I can count on letting me down it''s Eddy,¡± she said.

    ¡°Why the farc do you want to revive this asshole then?¡± asked Ratom.

    ¡°I can fix him.¡±

    ¡°Oh.. well what should I do now?¡±.

    ¡°I don¡¯t know, let''s stay put and maybe I''ll think of something, how far is the drop down?,¡± said Nancy.

    Ratom looked below and shook his head at not seeing where the fall would end.

    ¡°We will probably turn to dust on impact,¡± he said.

    They hung out in the cold for what must have been hours. Thankfully since everyone was already dead they weren¡¯t in any danger of freezing to death. The winds whistled in through Nancy''s ear holes, tickled whatever brain remained in the dark void, and came roaring out her open eye sockets. All the noise made for terrible thinking conditions.

    ¡°Alright I got it. Listen, we will force him to stay biting. I''ve got a sword in my other breast pocket, skewer him like a shish kabob,¡± explained Nancy.

    ¡°Jeez girl, it took you that long to remember,¡± said Ratom, opening his eyes from the spell of the half nap he was under.

    She put her fingers somewhere and the other compartment opened revealing a little purple dagger. The point had been sticking out the other side of the armor acting as a piercing nipple. Ratom unsheathed the weapon and slid it through Edward¡¯s jaw like hot butter anchoring his bite down to the ledge and stabbing the zombie crystal into his eye.

    The dead head came alive with a vengeance but the dagger held it muted and secured in position. Edwards'' eyes turned pure red while his bald crystal scaled head started smoking. He tried raging against the oppression regardless.

    Ratom saw sparks of electricity zapping through the hanging entrails and his chance at getting their salvation. He shoved the air/magnet combination crystal deep underneath real quick. The crystal came alive underneath and the head started floating upwards, ripping the teeth, and dagger out with it.

    ¡°Whoa, we''re floating like a balloon,¡± gasped Ratom.

    ¡°That''s what I''m talking about bitch lets go,¡± said Nancy.

    ¡°MMMMMPHgrrrrreeeeee,¡± moaned Edward, trying to speak, but the blade was still straight through his jawbone.

    ¡°Shhh you know how much chewing with your mouth full always bothered me love. Hey you know where to guide us Rat,¡± said Nancy.

    ¡°Yup, well I don¡¯t know how to control this flying stone,¡± said Ratom.

    ¡°Just tell me when we are close,¡± responded Nancy.

    They drifted through the air slowly traveling upwards. The core of the planet already had a lower gravity than the surface, but now it must have been close to zero. The clouds parted ways as they traveled above them. The mountain peak was now under feet as the sky sparkled revealing the roof of the core of the planet several thousand leagues above. The wind was completely absent as they drifted on a slow crash course towards the full moon pulling them closer. It floated just under the roof casting light from what appeared to be nothing. They floated closer and closer.

    Later it became apparent that the surface was made of crystal power giving it its glow. They grew close enough to the moon''s surface now to taste it. A grouping of alien structures greeted them camouflaged within the rocks. Another gravity field took control over the anti gravity crystal.

    A spire built with a dome activated a loud tractor beam that sucked them forward over a graveyard composed of strange stones. The graves looked freshly dug, and the stones were engraved with runes that glowed under the moon dust. There was some kind of generator humming in the background, a dome in the distance, and steam coming from smoke stacks in the rocks.

    ¡°Where are we?¡± asked Ratom.

    ¡°GRRRR,¡± cried Edward, as the sword was beginning to slowly loosen.

    ¡°Just another pit-stop on our everlasting journey of death and discovering the many avenues in which the dead can be reborn,¡± said Nancy.

    The tractor beam pulled them to the spire. Nancy ripped out the stone from underneath Edward¡¯s entrails where it kept on going ultimately sticking to the alien antenna. They slowly drifted toward the ground landing in the graveyard. The runes hummed with power shooting off bursts forming holes through the mist. The bouncing lights intermixed in an orgy of energy as a rainbow of colors danced throughout the area. Eventually the lines separated again, hitting the soil where whatever dead was buried.

    Ratom pulled out the dagger as the ground around them rumbled.

    ¡°My arms, my legs, my cock, and my freedom How are we supposed to slash, and smash anymore Nancy why have you revived me in this useless state,¡± sobbed Edward.

    ¡°I wanted to see you again, but I''m not sure if I wanted to hear you. Regardless, you''re about to get fixed to stay permanently loyal,¡± she laughed.

    At the graves crystal fists punched out holes in the moon dust. The rumbling intensified to a level that knocked them off their feet to slowly fall in the low gravity. One giant after another giant creature constructed of rocks that fuzed, and popped together humming with runes all over fully emerged. They had sleek pyramid heads that shot sparks from the top, and rough legs with no toes.

    ¡°Oh boy here we go, if the ancients can¡¯t fix a man nothing will,¡± said Nancy.

    ¡°Farc me this is some insane witchcraft,¡± said Edward.

    ¡°This is neat, but I wish there was a restaurant that served brains around here,¡± interrupted Ratom, nursing his rumbling stomach.

    ¡°Shhh the Elementals control all shut up and respect them before we are banished to the void forever and ever,¡± said Nancy.

    A crystal giant stomped forward putting a crater in the moon with every step. Nancy blindly held out the severed head as an offering. Edward looked all around as he was lifted high in the sky. The pyramid head zapped, and hummed some kind of ancient tung as he brought in close to its gaze. Whatever lurked inside the creature''s exterior was indecipherable. Thirteen runes lit up the pyramid head in a rainbow of the same colors as Edward got closer, and closer.

    ¡°Hahaha yes power me up, thank you Nancy,¡± yelled Edward, catching a whiff of intense power.

    The humming grew louder and almost sounded like a warning system. At the apex of the creature a ball of lightning sparked. The creature lumbered away as the others followed.

    ¡°Alright Ratom, help me follow after them from a distance,¡± said Nancy.

    ¡°Yeah alright,¡± he said, taking her hand.

    They followed the fused elementals through their graveyard. The giants had fast steps that put them far ahead, but they were impossible to lose. They reached a flat wall of polished moonstone that towered far above. The creature matched its glowing face runes up to the same ones on the wall. The wall pulled down taking Edward inside cackling at the prospects of being powered to max level. By the time Nancy and Ratom caught up following the crater tracks the wall had shut, leaving them out in the cold.

    ¡°What are they going to do to him?¡± asked Ratom.

    ¡°I don¡¯t know to be honest, but whenever I needed a man to do weird experiments with, he was always mine,¡± moaned Nancy, thinking of all the new attachments he might be given.

 83: Terror Time Again

    Killin Hood fiercely raged into the void while being sucked down a portal created by his wife. It was her last brainless action before she exploded from an overload of crystal power taking several blocks out with her. He might have defeated his step son in the battle, but he could have stopped the war long before now. If he had killed him on the operating table it would have saved himself from the current predicament. The vortex he flew through was composed of many different colors. It swirled around him in some kind of love boat tunnel. He tried to shut his eyes but the picture stayed twisting, turning and seemingly looping the same heart shaped geometry over and over again.

    He had so many plans left to do as a ruler of humanity. It was so unfair that just as he had finally gotten the power he had desired all his lifetime before it was sucked out from underneath him. He had abandoned the logical principles of clean killing and wanted to get his rocks off hurting others and that had been his undoing. If only he had stuck to the cold hard life of just doing business this wouldn''t be happening.

    The picture changed to a golden hue while the free-fall seemingly continued forever. He checked his pocket confirming he still had a crystal switchblade on him. He was a patient man, but if this ride was ever lasting he still wanted his escape options. His pocket watch spun around faster than he was falling. He threw the useless thing overboard and it sounded on something far below him.A tunnel of rock opened around Killin Hood speeding by. The bottom revealed below him as he barreled straight towards it. The picture went black, the clanging continued, and pain overtook his legs.

    ¡°GRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAA!¡± he raged.

    His evil rabid bloodthirsty eyes gradually opened revealing a neck buried deep in golden coins. He continued howling like a werewolf that had come home empty handed from a hunter''s moon. He looked from side to side and piles of gold, silver, and diamonds formed a sea, while the twinkling ceiling was seemingly nothing but crystal formations. He tried to move his legs, but nothing happened. There was no telling where the walls were with it stacked in mountains all around him.

    Killin Hood started digging himself out with his arms. He was making good pace having uncovered the scar on his chest where his old heart had been. At the time he had thought the candidate for becoming a royal was the perfect fit, but he had moved in on his prey too hastily. He laughed to himself on the revelation that this had now been the longest vacation he had ever had. All this self reflection came with the realization that he had been acting a lot more impulsive and fruity ever since the transplant.

    ¡°Farc this fucking royal family I should have just started a revolution instead. When I get out of here it''s no more mister nice guy, bodies are going to be burned,¡± he said, taking a breather waist deep to pound his clenched fist.

    He felt a rumbling starting below him as thousands of little objects began to move. A mountain of treasure started shifting from above. The coins came raining down pelting him with hits of currency. Killin Hood was covered up to his ears in gold and more seemed to be flowing every second.

    ¡°STUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!¡± he yelled, which reverberated around the prison.

    Just as his head was beginning to be covered the back wall of the cavern had been uncovered. There was a massive vault door, and words written into the rock with stone. The last thing Killin Hood ever saw was. ¡°QUEEN ELIZABETHY THE 13¡¯s TOP SECRET VAULT NO EXIT!¡±

    ****************************

    Meanwhile back on the ranch the night was well underway. Jed tried to sleep on the couch sweating a high fever. With fat stomachs filled with hearty food they had gone to bed in high spirits and had hoped for dreams finally turning good. Mule slept on a bed of blankets made on the covered porch. He kicked and rolled in the hay changing shape. His stomach turned sour as his dreams morphed into something more sinister.

    Outside what remained of orange leaves were ripped off as the wind whistled. The old oak moved outside the house and tapped against the window, and the upstairs storm windows shook just holding on by rusted screws. The duel moons were full, and the wolves howled in a land far away. A solitary scarecrow guarded the crops, while the mist rolled over the open fields intensifying. The nearby small family cemetery plot sat between two trees on the edge of the woods. The farm animals hid as deep inside their locked pens as they could manage.

    The old house banged, creaked, and made all kinds of other spooky noises as the night continued to drag on. The old sickly patriarch started coughing up a deathly fit in the next room. Jed stared at the ceiling hoping to drift into a better spot, but hours passed with no rest. He just watched the same cracked paint, and the blades of the ceiling fan circling.

    The rooster ruffled its own feathers as it hooted and hollered in the morning. The suns were climbing high in the sky roasting away the first signs of frost that formed overnight. Bessie worked the fields underneath them alone. Her guests had slept in for today, but she wouldn¡¯t extend them the same privileges tomorrow. She grunted, pulling a mesh of interconnected carrots out of the ground, and shook off the dirt before throwing them in the bucket. The next carrot top was the last of the bunch.

    She walked to the wooden fencing to take a breather and leaned against the post. She rested in front of a pumpkin patch full of huge orange fruits in full bloom. The fall harvest had arrived what must have been weeks ago, and time was quickly running out to get everything undercover for winter. There was also the fall festival on the 28th which was next week. In the past it had brought in a great deal of folk to the town which was about 13 miles out. The family had a booth reserved due to their connections, but they hadn¡¯t made it last year. It was going to take a lot of work to make it on time with enough fruits, and vegetables worth selling. For now they were just content to be surviving another day.

    The dirt road running back to the farm was flanked on either side by overgrown grass. It hadn''t been turned to hay like it used to in the old days. Her expelled breath formed a cloud of mist, as she took off her hat to fix her hair. She spotted a four legged creature kicking up a storm towards her. Bessie laughed, relieved to have the incoming helping hooves back with her again. Mule galloped through the open gate stopping beside her.This story originates from a different website. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.

    ¡°It¡¯s about time you rolled out of bead Mule, Now we can start the real work,¡± said Bessie, patting his toughened hide.

    ¡°Hey uhh sorry i''m a late farmer but you fed me too well that''s why I slept in. And uh well Jed still aint right, he needs just one more day to rest up,¡± replied Mule.

    Her eyes almost popped out of her head on this revelation.

    ¡°You can talk?¡± she sputtered.

    ¡°Oops I forgot to keep the act up. It does get tricky always having to reveal myself when the time''s right, as a talking animal named Mule,¡± said Mule, bowing his head.

    ¡°Well I¡¯ll be¡± she dirtied her chin resting on a hand to concentrate on thinking. ¡°Well I suppose I told you a little too much information the other day thinking you didn''t understand, but guess I can¡¯t shun a gift horse for speaking to me,¡± she said.

    ¡°True, besides I don¡¯t judge much, because I¡¯ve been a mule for even the most despicable in my younger years, but anyway let''s stop blabbering and get back to work now,¡± said Mule, walking towards the plow.

    ¡°Alright if you say so.. let me just get rid of these carrots first, and I''ll meet you there,¡± said Bessie.

    ********************************

    Down the road at the county morgue it was a pigsty overflowing with dead. A grimy place lit either by candlelight or oven. It was always full of humidity and the horrors of war rotting outdoors.

    A dead witch was hauled in through the back door. The man inside grunted not looking up from his current project on the table he had cut open just like a car at the garage. The ancient crone was thrown on top of a pile with the other bodies. The two man delivery crew signed a clipboard, placed it on the feet on the table, and departed the premises for the next round of specimens.

    ¡°Thanks guys,¡± said the mortician, adjusting his glasses.

    He did a double take. The old woman''s head was caked in blood, and some of her scalp had been blown off and lost somewhere else with a clean shot. Her skin wore deep wrinkles, with her tongue sticking out, and robes that reeked of only the smell ancient folk carried with them. Her face looked like a creepy rubber mask made for kids, or bank robbers. She had come from the desert a ways off, and tagged on the foot as such. The most important thing though was that this witch must have had a rich family because she had a golden ticket tagged to behind the yellowing overgrown nails that curved back into her big toe.

    He giggled as he pulled a special key from his pocket made of bone, and inserted it into a medicine cabinet. The overfilled shelves were rummaged through as the hoarder looked for his prize. A skull formed a medical container that had been slapped with a warning label. The mortician began to whistle as the top of head was unfastened revealing a single zombie crystal. He almost never got a chance to revive a fresh cadaver due to budget cuts.

    ¡°Now let¡¯s see it says here handle with care Isabela is 102, and extremely powerful¡­well you don¡¯t look a day over 90 honey,¡± he said, picking up the corpse with a chuckle.

    The previous patient was thrown into a heap with the other trash. He closed the five clamps on the bed and bolted down one by one. The mortician¡¯s eyes lit up as he drew out the dark crystal. It slowly descended towards the dead hag. His arm started shaking with nervousness as he grew close to the eyeball that was cloudy white.

    ¡°Phew¡­ I¡¯m out of practice with this,¡± he said, setting it on the desk for now.

    A hot pot of coffee was steaming in the corner. He grunted and pushed over a pile of rotting corpses to get access to a mini fridge. A bottle of whole milk emerged after a wrapped concoction. The mortician poured the milk in his cup, filled the rest with bean water, and then let down his mask revealing a face with graying stubble. He took a big swig.

    ¡°Aah.. Now where the farc is my assistant at Jimbo I need you in here at once for a job of the year,¡± he yelled, pulling back the covers on a foot long sandwich.

    The juices seeped out of the end of the club composed of several types of mystery meat. The sauces were sweet onion, red wine vinegar, and hot relish. The vegetables lettuce, tomato, pickle, green pepper, onion, and jalapeno. He devoured the sandwich like a man who had been starving at the bottom of a well. Then he started hiccuping, and tried to wash it away with coffee. The door swung open, creaking on its un-lubed hinges. The zombie crystal started to shake on the other table until a rotting hand grabbed it. A zombie dressed in clothes covered in dried blood glared at the mortician.

    ¡°HICCUP!¡±

    ¡°Hold on Jimbo, I know you were running the incinerator, but this one needs an extra set of hands.. Hiccup,¡± said the mortician, cautiously lifting the mug to his lips for the last drips.

    The man then tied his apron, fixed his surgical mask, and pulled the gloves over his hands. The dead worker waited patiently while studying over the exposed brains of the witch with great interest. The witch''s body twitched as the zombie crystal went straight into her eye. She thrashed on the bed, but the metal straps held her for now.

    "Well aren''t you a live one, says here your new master is named Killin Hood. Oh boy Jimbo this guy always tips well according to my friend back in the swamp,".

    Jimbo groaned in acknowledgment.

    "Now let''s get her comfortable until he gets here with payday¡­ Wait a sec don¡¯t touch that," said the mortician, his voice growing irate.

    His assistant had started fondling the exposed brains. The witches gray matter lit with sparks, as she started twitching vigorously. Jimbo flew against the far wall tweaked on black magic. The mortician dropped his bone saw, as the room began to come alive. He ran for the exit as the groans for brains intensified. The bonds holding the witch smashed apart as her arms cracked still under rigor mortis.

    The man ran into the next room, locking the door, and pushing a filing cabinet behind it. He continued running while the iced lockers were beaten on from within. He sprinted towards the sunlight coming in through the open door. A cut off hand grabbed his leg and pulled him to the floor where his glasses broke. The door burst open as the dead limped out with Jimbo leading the pack.

    "Hey you wouldn''t do this to me Jim, I always treated you right," he pleaded putting up his empty hands.

    "Brains," they drooled, closing in on the neck.

    They piled on the screaming man ripping open the flesh pulling out the prized guts. The floor was already so bloody it blended right in. The man screamed his last gurgles of life while he was torn apart alive. Undead Isabella watched the action with her eyes growing beady red. She might have been deceased, but she vaguely remembered her final moments. Her grudge had not died with her brain, and neither had her stomach. The horde of plain zombies buried with magic so that their new queen could savor the choice cuts herself.

 84: Domesticated Animals

    The night on the farm was warmer than the last. Jed woke to the darkness creeping through holes in the fraying curtain. He drifted in and out of consciousness locked to the couch. The sunlight shifted shadows over the living room. The old man in the next room kept wheezing in and out as the nearby grandfather clock kept time ticking around the circle. He drifted into ringing ears among an anthology of bad dreams.

    A strike at noon caused an unfortunate twist, turn, thrash, and tumble. Jed hit the floor rolled in blankets like a fool. With his bloodshot eyes wide open he jumped to his feet ready for action of the next gruesome battle that was always coming, but the coast here looked clear.

    He paced around the kitchen handling his line of rope coiled into a very messy figure eight. He never did manage to keep a perfect circle lasso even in his prime. He had already searched around for his gun yesterday, but it was well hidden away.

    Bessie seemed fine, but they had a job to do. The mission to deliver the juice felt like it was slipping away again after being nearly poisoned by the witches. Their magic bit into his mind paranoid causing things to be all out of whack. At least was sorta back on his feet. They would earn room and board a few more days before leaving.

    Mule previously told him that their delivery had been stored in the closet. Jed rooted around in the kitchen until he found a bobby pin. He picked the lock behind door number one and found a dark staircase that smelled of cellar rot. There was also a shelf full of pickle jars and flaked granite dyed green limestone wetted.

    With no light on hand he moved along to the next door. Finally he found the jungle juice container looking untouched. He wiggled it and found it full of liquid after exerting himself.. He didn¡¯t see his firearm stored here so he moved on in search of the house for it.

    After digging out the couch and kitchen drawers he dragged himself up the stairs by putting most of his weight on the railing. To avoid making noise at the top floor he tiptoed. He was hoping for better luck however so far found nothing but dust, mold, disrepair, peeled wallpaper, and mothball smell. There were three rooms, but two of them were boarded up leaving one with no door. Inside there it was a few old bed frames disassembled. The other antique furniture piled into corners of rooms in disarray.

    Jed found nothing useful upstairs and returned below. He eventually stumbled outside to the outhouse. There were no signs of anyone else close by when he emerged out of the door marked by a sliver of a moon. The nearby water pump squeaked to life as his sore muscles felt like they were coming apart at the seams. He worked up a good stream. He stuck his head underneath the cold water roaring onto the concrete platform below.

    ¡°Ahhh man I best find myself useful around these parts, find man''s best friend wherever he is at,¡± said Jed, stretching his very scared and ripped arms.

    He continued searching around until he spotted the packed wagon parked back beside the house. A close entry to the basement was beside. As he walked closer he saw that the wagon was stacked full of harvested pumpkins and squash ready to be stored. The cellar was an obvious destination to put them, but didn¡¯t want to jump the gun until he had confirmation. In the meantime might as well air the place out. He lifted aside a wedged two by four and opened the double basement doors underneath. The suns poured in partially lighting a floor of cracked cement. Jed started down the creaking rotten wooden steps.

    ¡°Wham!¡±

    He cradled the top of his head that had hit a beam on the way down.

    ¡°Ouch.¡± he groaned, taking negligible damage that still really hurt.

    The basement area was sectioned off by uneven walls and unleavened floors. There were tools hung on one side pallets of construction materials. The foundation was old stones stacked on top of each other with the occasional brick inserted with a hearty dash of cement slathered around. A crawl hole showed itself where a big rock had fallen out.

    Jed¡¯s eyes slowly adjusted to the basement as he pushed further inside. He came to the stairs that led to the inside of the house lined with oak barrels stacked nearby. A heavy metal door stood ominously against the back wall. It had a heavy padlock holding the bar to it.

    ¡°Well guess I''m not getting in there,¡± he murmured, lifting the lock and inspecting the number combination without a keyhole.

    The bobby pin he had been holding in his freehand was back behind his earlobe. The floorboard above him began to creak as somebody walked across the room overhead. The basement door upstairs flew open and more light entered the picture. A little mouse ran for a hole in the wall as Jed started creeping back to the exit. His heart nervously raced as his neck hairs stood on end. Suddenly his stomach loudly growled with a mind of its own.

    ¡°Clang!¡±

    There was some kind of mysterious object thrown down to the bottom of the stairs. The wood creaked as somebody started down holding a lantern. Jed jumped for cover under the stairs as fast and quietly as he could do at the same time. He made it just in time behind the cover of barrels kept hidden.

    The yellowing tall socks lumbered down the steps slowly like a zombie. A gangrenous foot hit the next step before the tough old bastard stopped to take a brutal wheeze. The old man hacked something up before he continued his descent in a bathrobe. Jed froze in place somewhere he wasn¡¯t supposed to be. The farm owner took an extended break on the last step gripping the railing with a crystal scaled mutated hand shaking. This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.

    The lantern was set right on the barrel that Jed laid face down behind it. The old man groaned as he bent nearby, pausing the wheeze again while keeling over like a beached whale. He started clicking something against the floor, as the lantern was gripped again. The shadows fell back over Jed as he peaked out and saw his host walking forward with the lantern in one hand and a cane gripped in the other. He reached the heavy metal door and hooked the lantern to a meat hook hung from the ceiling. The swearing started as the combination lock was being worked on by hands full of arthritis.

    The previously locked room swung open revealing what appeared to be a workshop. An old fashioned band saw set right in the opening while behind it what looked to be the big block of an ancient vehicle with the motor suspended on a crane. The old man pushed further in the light and lit up more details of his operation. The car had a spare tire bolted to the side right in front of the door. The engine looked to be a V-8 flathead. It had black paint, deluxe trim, and custom crystal headlights. The entire machine appeared to be in perfect condition except a bunch of bullet holes in the rear end.

    Jed raised his eyebrows and dropped his mouth in stunlocked surprise. The old man limped past an armory along the back wall with gun safes flanking both sides. There were shotguns, rifles, wood-grain sub-machine guns with drum mags and light machine guns with 20 rounds loaded on the back wall.

    The man disappeared deeper inside his workshop. It was now discovered as soon as he turned around. Jed climbed into a crouch and rolled over a barrel before he started sneaking out. His heart felt like it was going to explode while he slowly climbed outside.

    ¡°Wham!¡±

    He held his noggin hit again from the low entry. He almost broke stealth but held his mouth while letting the double cellar doors close as gently as he could. His lack of manners and curiosity had almost spectacularly backfired when he needed a warm bed. The old man was more spry than appearances.

    Jed started down the path flanked by apple trees with many on the ground full of wormholes. Perhaps this interesting new information he had learned about his hosts would be worth it in case anything bad were to happen. One thing was for sure that he was by far the unarmed one, and in no position to make demands and should never trust anyone but himself 100%. His hosts might have been generous, but he didn¡¯t want to be trapped working here on the farm for the rest of the season with no other choices.

    Jed wandered for what felt like an hour going down different paths. The first he took went past an overgrown pasture without cows to graze that eventually turned into a logging road through the woods. Not wanting to leaf peep at the rapidly changing foliage he turned around.

    He walked back and took another trail past a small cemetery plot, and thought he saw figures moving at the far edge of the field until he blinked, and they were gone. He kept along the path past a pen of hogs, and it eventually turned to a dead end at a dried river bed. Finally on the way back he noticed a side road with tracks running through a muddy section. He followed a dirt road until he saw Mule working the plow on the field below.

    ¡°Apologies for being so useless these past few days umm miss,¡± said Jed, going to tip his cowboy hat he realized it was gone.

    His face turned red realizing it must have fallen in the basement when he hit his head on the way out.

    ¡°You can just call me Bessie mister, and it¡¯s quite alright Mule¡¯s told me all about your adventures while we''ve been working,¡± she said, tipping her own hat.

    ¡°Hey man,¡± said Mule, between bites of chewing cud after he had eaten grass too fast.

    ¡°Well seeing as all you''ve done for us just tell me what kinda work you need, and I¡¯ll do my best,¡± said Jed.

    ¡°Hmm well like Mule you do know how to work a plow man?¡± she asked, resting against the fence.

    ¡°Yes ma¡¯am I might be primarily a man of leisure these days. I grew up on a similar operation,¡± Jed said, inspecting the tool attached to Mule.

    ¡°Okay good enough, and anyhow Mule I will tell you the specifics of how I do things but I doubt you will mess up even being stubborn and doing it whatever way you like best. Anyway I¡¯m going to prepare the second root cellar closer to home and then we will unload the harvest finishing today,¡± she said.

    Jed¡¯s back cracked into motion. His bandaged hands started to ache working on the first row of potatoes. He shook off the vegetables, slowly filled the five gallon bucket, and dumped them in the wagon. By the third row it was easier having settled into a rhythm despite the handlebars having a bit of blood spilled on them. He took a brief break to cut off the sleeves, and used them as cushioning. They worked for many hours until this field was cleared.

    ¡°Ha, it feels good to do a simple good day''s work buddy instead of violence of a chancge,¡± said Jed, breaking the silence, unhooking the plow, and patting Mule on the back.

    ¡°We ain¡¯t done yet Jed, Now I gotta pull this harvest home,¡± said Mule, shaking off mud.

    The wagon struggled through the mud. Mule pulled from the front, as Jed pushed from behind. He walked beside as they traversed the narrow road. Bessie waved them down by several mounds of soil covered in grass hidden behind a large metal tank with a hose. The door to the middle root cellar was open revealing benches filled with empty plastic bins.

    ¡°Aright Mule i¡¯d say you''re done for today if you want to find something else to do,¡± said Bessie.

    Mule turned around like a dog before setting down on his stomach.

    ¡°I guess I¡¯ll keep watch,¡±.

    Bessie unlocked the wagon gate, and clapped her hands on seeing it full.

    ¡°Alright let''s go,¡±.

    The containers were pulled out onto the ground while the potatoes dumped inside. When they were filled they were hauled back inside the mound. A new set of four was brought out. They slowly worked back into the trailer until Bessie had to climb onto the bed. Jed hauled them inside as she filled the containers. The suns were setting as they moved to the second root cellar. They finished the last corner of the vegetables just as it got too dark to see inside.

    Back at the house the chickens were shut in. They walked onto the porch. Mule raised his nostrils on smelling something cooking. Inside the kitchen table loaded with a simple supper.

    ¡°Hah yes good of papa to find enough energy to cook for us,¡± said Bessie smiling with pride.

    Jed found his lost cowboy hat resting on the top of the chair at one end of the table. He briefly hung his head in shame. Mule nearly knocked him over and plowed past to get to the grub Bessie was setting under the table.

 85: Life on the Farm

    ¡°Wake up boys,¡± Bessie rang a cowbell in the kitchen.

    Jed groaned, stretching limbs stiff from a week of farming. His bandages no longer applied to his calloused hands. He climbed off the couch in the living room where he had slept another night. Say what you want about the host working them hard, but she had nursed him back to health enough for the final track of the legendary trucking quest.

    ¡°Whatcha cooking today?¡± asked Jed, entering the fruity smelling kitchen.

    ¡°Oatmeal with crabapples and molasses,¡± she said, ladling a bowl full of steaming breakfast.

    ¡°Can I get an egg over easy too please?¡± begged Jed.

    ¡°Alright, sure man but only because we finally got the fair tomorrow. You need to shave yourself by the way to represent our farm,¡± said Bessie.

    ¡°Yes Ma¡¯am,¡± said Jed, before spitting out liquid hot porridge that burned his tongue.

    Bessie and her father Frank Milla were pretty much the last of the clan except for a few distant cousins living off in far away lands. Her great grandfather had purchased hundreds of acres here in the valley right outside the desert. In more suitable lands this amount would have made the owners rich if they had the necessary farming skills, and the Milla clan did. They weren¡¯t knights or nobles though so this was the best a former cattle herder could purchase with careful savings.

    The problem with the land being especially dry in some years meant the wells they drilled couldn¡¯t support even a medium scale farm no matter how deep they dug. Great-grandfather Milla was an expert cattleman and could have run an operation of thousands of animals if only they had the proper royal clan emblem. In reality they had a herd of about a hundred animals that sometimes looked like dehydrated leather still standing. They barely scraped by and the weakest of them died. They had to bring in water onto the farm from away on the worst years and it was already extremely expensive.

    Great grandfather Milla was a one woman man to Great grandmother Goergena ¡°Big Ma¡± Milla and everybody could tell. She often smiled even with a cluttered handbuilt three bedroom farmhouse holding twelve kids. She hosted grand holidays that seated even the extended family. While the man at the head of the table led the gentlemen of the clan she guided the ladies. They laughed, sang, and square danced after eating homemade unseasoned food. It was the best time to remember fondly.

    Together they all formed the perfect team in defending the unit solid and away from trouble that would defeat it. Everybody thought the clan ought to have the best luck due to being so honorable among the decaying countryside that was growing increasingly lawless connected to Killin Wood. And they sorta did with so many of the surrounding farms being abandoned due to threats. They persisted even with him taking a part time one winter as a pulp wood truck driver. A few of the kids had to move away at 16 because they would have starved.

    Grandfather Greg Milla was the third son out of the womb. He had bright green eyes and a square jaw from five. At age 17 he was called into the great war. Off he went to the trenches where many around him didn¡¯t make it. He kept his head down, doing almost no shooting but instead learning to make hooch from airdropped rations to numb the shell shock. He tried not to get too close to any buddies just in case and it was a smart move. After miraculously making it through constant shelling and cold three months he got lucky enough to get all the fingers shot off. He dropped the gun crawling through the grime missing all the fingers on his shooting hand except the thumb biting a handkerchief to keep his position hidden. Two sisters volunteered as nurses and one killed a man covering his retrieval.

    Greg came back to farm a mess delivered in a star striped basketcase and stayed that way a long while bumming in their garage comatose. Eventually he walked the dirt roads collecting scraps thrown away and bottle money. Getting sick of being burdened with depression, the family pitched together to buy a car that was slick and dangerous for troubled minds with a lead foot. To his credit he did get an honest job immediately on learning of the pregnancy. It wasn''t a romance novel but it was real.

    One night after a long day of work installing crystal wire it drove Greg crazy. Instead of climbing a pole he ran his car into something like he meant it. What he had just installed burned up with him in smoke. After that grandma had to start climbing poles while pregnant as a linewoman. She was far more cautious doing it to support little Frank being born. The family lived on in hardcore survival mode.

    Frank turned out to be a brutally honest man and then another generation down the family tree Bessie a splitting image. That was until the mines closed and it was time to lose the farm or turn to bootlegging like a pro. Soon he and his two younger brothers tore apart the back roads in their hotrods drifting bends. They wore shades and played tapes they recorded themselves of others. Their kids were well fed, educated, played every sort of sport, taking singing and guitar lessons to one day be a country pop star, and could stay at home as long as they wanted. He even dusted off his old fiddle to accompany her dreams . It gave him hope even with the scales starting to show signs of cancer on the horizon. That was a sign to worry about for another day.

    A pair of knights on patrol noticed the three cars speeding past. They turned on the sirens in hot pursuit. Frank flew like a mongoose jumping off road and leaving them eating dust. Unfortunately the other two ended up caught and are still in jail unfairly held to this day. Frank even recorded an album of folk tunes to pay the lawyers and feed all the kids scattered around. His band played a mean jug jam back in the present old-fashioned kitchen. The author''s content has been appropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.

    Jed ate the last drop of his oats. Bessie set down a plate with the egg she had just cooked for him. She took his bowl to the sink and washed it in a long old-fashioned sink that was almost a tub. The wallpaper was peeling into a cozy entry lined with their hanging overalls freshly washed and dried on the clotheslines yesterday. The well had plenty of water because they only had a few dozen cattle. The ground cracked veins dried out in the suns and bleached with many years of bad luck. The swines had recently caught flues and the farm had the blues again. They were relying solely on vegetables to carry them at turning a profit at the biggest fair in the state.

    ¡°Thanks Miss this has turned out to be a good meeting of the fates in great benefit to us both if you will stay friends if I ever visit back this way. I intend to purchase a Crystalcycle and go a long distance to express myself with the outside elements flying past fast feeling fine,¡± said Jed, shaking salt and grinding pepper.

    ¡°Yeah hey why not ride Mule?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯d feel better giving him a break when I can break a machine instead plus I need some quiet time don¡¯t tell him that,¡± said Jed.

    ¡°Sure but I''m gonna get him now so we can have the kitchen meeting to go over everything that needs to be packed for our journey to the fair to sell our wares,¡± she said, placing the last dish on the rack and heading for the front door.

    ¡°What¡¯s going on guys I''m feeling fine and ready to farm,¡± said the talking animal prancing in through the screen door Bessie had opened.

    ¡°Hey bud ready to pull some serious cargo tonight?¡± asked Jed, before licking the yolk off his plate clean.

    ¡°Farcing course I am for a good profit and chance to show myself off, Ah I''m already practicing my sales pitches to sell us out of everything,¡± declared Mule, strutting around.

    ¡°How so?¡± asked Bessie.

    ¡°I will have you know that I''m best in show when it comes to magic tricks and carny shit,¡± Mule proudly declared.

    ¡°Cough ahhchoo,¡± interrupted Frank, limping into the area on his cane.

    His birthday was 67 tomorrow by coincidence.

    ¡°Alright Jed it¡¯s time for us to work the longest day ever today but after that you are done I intend to pay you 25% hopefully we make out good,¡± said Frank.

    ¡°Thank you sir,¡± said Jed, extending his hand.

    He shook the old man with a firm grip.

    ¡°Let¡¯s take a ride on my tractor.¡±

    As the last of three suns was setting the old tractor had a connected trailer loaded to the brim. The four of them had done a damn good job cleaning up the remaining work. The vegetables were cleaned, sorted and the best loaded. The large greasy green machine with chipped paint sputtered and belched black smoke from its snout. No matter how many times the old man turned her over and cursed it out, nothing started.

    ¡°FUCKIN ass licking scum!¡± he screamed, kicking the sputtering engine that seemed to die for good.

    He held the key but no sounds continued.

    ¡°Sorry gang but it''s time for plan b so we will have to double load the chuck wagon from here let¡¯s go hook you up Mule,¡± said Bessie.

    ¡°It¡¯s ok I will haul much faster than that out of date piece of crap heehaw let¡¯s go,¡± said Mule.

    ¡°Alright I''ll get ready to move the products one last time,¡± said Jed, crossing his arms to look over what to grab first.

    ¡°Whoah what a fine ride,¡± whistles Jed, as Mule pulls up.

    The chuck wagon was a custom built luxury ride made to celebrate the best year they ever had with spinning chrome wheels. They always used it parked straightaway with the farm''s logo exposed to the fairway lighting bright lights to fit in with the circus. It was a long time ago but the clan had done a fruitful enough harvest to be one of the sponsors of the fair along with a leading brand of royal cola.

    They set off leaving the old man behind with hopes to do good. The rocks kicked up in their wake as Mule galloped forward insanely fast. Being the green horn of the operation Jed had high hopes. Bessie held a poker face while holding onto the speeding wagon for dear life. They rounded a corner tilting and losing a can of pickles that broke glass in the road.

    ¡°Sorry,¡± said Mule.

    Bessie regained her composure, but secretly hoped to break even feared for the worst. She held the reins that did nothing to affect the stubborn beast saving their asses.

    ¡°How far away is this far anyway?¡± asked Jed, sitting next to her in the front two seats.

    ¡°Don¡¯t start that shit, but 86 miles are you up for it Mule?¡± Bessie yelled.

    ¡°How long do I have to get there before the gates open for business?¡± asked Mule, beginning to sprint.

    ¡°Woah slow,¡± yelped Jed, being thrown to the side.

    Mule wildly swerved onto asphalt dodging potholes. The chuck wagon he hauled flew forward king of the road scaring off birds.

    ¡°We got six hours of chill, so slow and steady wins the race we aren¡¯t trying to speedrun,¡± said Bessie.

    ¡°Yeah plus a breakdown is the last thing we need right now let alone an accident, I like to learn from the past and drive cautiously," said Jed.

    ¡°Kinda corny but I¡¯ll obey,¡± spit Mule, rolling his eyes, but slowing his roll.

    ¡°Let¡¯s have fun guys,¡± laughed Bessie.

    ¡°Phew, things really are great,¡± said Jed, feeling himself growing closer to her.

    They could have something going on. He didn¡¯t really have many fucks to give though so being just friends was fine too. Money wasn¡¯t everything, but the time off from war would give him a chance to screw his head back on straight. Jed was feeling really confident about his future whatever that would end up being.

 86: Holiday Special

    A single long main-street ran along the small town. A dirty set of alleys filled with decorations, ribbons, stanchions and stacked hay bales edged by sidewalks filled with attendees trampling over trash while consuming artery clogging food before the packaging was littered with the rest.

    The flea market was packed into the parking lot filled with fake vampires hawking imitation garlic gags and other wares from their trunks. A makeshift casino sold raffles outside under a sign lit up with advertising for bingo and slots within the big gamblers tent. There was a shaman sprinkling a can of ¡°triple action stop evil salts¡± on a mark. In the next booth a young psychic with a massive bust waved her goods in front of the face of an old man in a trance.

    ¡°Don¡¯t tell me I¡¯ll tell you your ex was evil and crazy,¡± she said in a sultry tone.

    ¡°Keep working those charms honey your right on the money,¡± the dirty old man responded grinning from ear to ear.

    A drizzle of rain was slowly ramping down production exposing the suns again. The hissing static of an orchestra played a sad score from a vintage record player. While overhead hundreds of small pulsing orange bulbs running along every pole, ledges and hedges.

    In the farthest rented corner section of the fall festival a cedar wood booth lined with jack o''lanterns of various designs. A sign above them declared the produce was ¡°Farm Fresh¡±. Behind the register Jed, and Mule ate dough boys out of trays while Bessie chomped on fried chicken. The number of customers visiting in the first hour or so had been low. It was mostly a curious trickle of city folk gawking at raw vegetables for the very first time. So far they had only sold six pumpkins out of six hundred, a bushel of apples, but the night had just started.

    ¡°We really should have brought some cooked pies with us,¡± sighed Jed, rubbing his stomach that was threatening to burst at the seams full of fried food.

    ¡°We should have brewed some hard cider,¡± mused Mule with a smile.

    ¡°He has a point. Burp. Uh excuse me I really need a refreshment before the ellipse,¡± said Jed.

    ¡°It¡¯s already started guys get your glasses ready,¡± said Bessie, staring into the sun in her fathers welding helmet.

    The wind blew in a sudden drop in temperature as the light began to dim. Nearby ducks quacked up a frenzy as dogs went nuts. The three suns had turned to one super ball of fire on the horizon. Now the two moons slowly entered the picture to obscure them. A black speck had turned into a fifth coverage by the time Jed found a spare helmet in the chuckwagon.

    ¡°Mule, don¡¯t you need glasses dear?¡± asked Bessie.

    ¡°No Ma¡¯am I already make a habit of staring into the suns normally so this changes nothing,¡±

    ¡°Jeez huh no wonder you lost your x-ray vision,¡± said Jed.

    "Of course you know us guys just love clowning around to pass the time, don''t believe a word I say," explained Mule, popping a slim envelope out of a tiny portal. ¡°GET YOUR ECLIPSE GLASSES $12.99. DON¡±T MISS OUT ON THIS ONCE IN A LIFETIME OPPORTUNITY to see the ultra rare radiant diamond!¡± announced Mule, spinning a magic wand that fizzled with deals.

    ¡°There¡¯s twenty minutes until the peak, how about getting a big thing of lemonade or ice tea, then some fries, and vinegar for us while I man the stand,¡± she suggested to Jed.

    He tossed away what remained of the grease soaked plate that had held the fried dough he had devoured.

    ¡°Hey Mule wanna go for a walk?¡± Called the departing Jed.

    ¡°Farc yeah man,¡± said the talking animal.

    ¡°Alright see you guys in a second,¡± said Bessie, crouching to uncover a fresh crate of spicy pickled eggs.

    She opened a jar and ate three immediately. The pair pushed through the crowd led by their noses. A lizard creature had tried to disguise itself as a human. The cheaply constructed costume barely containing the cold blooded creature was lacking in production value. It hissed at Mule getting too close for comfort and he dropped the brochures listing

    Nearby the farm animals an apple bobbing competition was in progress. It was unclear if a kid had bitten into a rotten one, or if it was the smell of the cows causing him to violently gag for air. A desperate mother was fleeced by a donkey for last minute glasses for three toddlers.

    ¡°Come inside my tent I give you free candy,¡± a sly voice said, slivering out of a dark den, beckoning with a claw extended.

    ¡°We good thanks,¡± said Mule, counting his money.

    ¡°GET YOUR GLASSES $9.99!¡± A nearby hustler called.

    ¡°$7.99 CERTIFIED SAFE FOR ALL AGES GLASSES!¡± announced Mule.

    ¡°HEY!¡± yelled the previous custom pissed.

    ¡°No refunds, sorry mama, all sales are final,¡± said Mule.

    ¡°Damn my steed¡¯s carny or am I the poney?¡± contemplated Jed, fidgeting with his cowboy hat by habit until he noticed something odd.

    ¡°We are equal business partners, but I just have way more hustle going on you lazy,¡± said Mule, as he cut through a line to undercut a sale. ¡°Ma¡¯am don¡¯t buy from him mine are better and cheaper,¡± he whispered, with a beggar''s best eyes. You might be reading a pirated copy. Look for the official release to support the author.

    ¡°Hey uh what¡¯s that line over there for?¡± asked Jed, shifting focus pointing to the end of the street filled with bright yellow streetlights.

    ¡°Oh that¡¯s a haunted house,¡± said Mule, tucking his money somewhere very safe.

    ¡°Fuck I just remembered our deadline to deliver the jungle juice is tomorrow,¡± sighed Jed, resting on a rusted cage. ¡°That¡¯s the real money to stay focused on not worrying about chump change.¡±

    ¡°Yeah, I remember the wedding takes place the day after the holidays. It always creeps up on me as the years blur one after another,¡± said Mule.

    ¡°Well it¡¯s a good thing the celebrations last 13 days.. that''s a long enough time still and what a way to start it,¡± said Jed, staring into the sun again.

    ¡°A speck in the grand scheme of everything, the holidays are gone until this time next year. Hoo ho I always thought they should have spread them out more,¡± mused Mule.

    ¡°Eh I like having them all at once like a fireworks encore,¡± said Jed, looking to the sky for the answers to life. ¡°This is really cool.¡±

    ¡°That it is a supernatural force of great changes I¡¯ve seen several hundred myself,¡± said Mule.

    ¡°Whoa brrr it''s cold,¡± said Jed, shivering.

    The two friends had joined the line that slowly trickled into the ¡°small town cemetery¡±. The sidewalk spilled sports drinks that had frozen into rinks. A ghoul dressed in a molded bed sheet covered like blue cheese in spots underneath an employee badge stood guard with a hole punch. A gloved hand lowered for payment before a moon shaped punched into two ticket slips. They walked beyond the iron gate entrance into a small line of waiting creatures.

    ¡°Well there¡¯s still time for this delivery mission that has taken a recovery pit stop,¡± sighed Jed.

    ¡°Aye an amusing detour, but time is ticking, and I think you¡¯ve lost the plot friend.¡±

    ¡°Attending this failure of a fair just happens to be our last obligation to Bessie, we still got plenty of time buddy,¡± said Jed.

    ¡°You simping bud,¡± scolded Mule. ¡°Well we are going to have to race to the finish line and ignore outside distractions no matter how pretty.¡±

    They reached rusty steps heading to a constructed platform draped with curtains. The grass and vines overgrown boxcar like sections joined together at bolted seams conjured together with spooky exterior paintings that shook.

    ¡°If we take this quick ride it drops us off at a killer overlook,¡± explained Mule, studying the large four sided map block.

    ¡°Sweet I trust you picked something good, I¡¯m just along for the ride,¡± said Jed.

    The double doors on one end of the dwelling blew open carrying a rusted car screeching on its tracks until it slammed to a stop. The stocky bodies of a man and women were grouped in pairs of two in front of them climbing in. The attendant dressed in a skeleton mask lowered the safety bar a foot, and sent them flying into the other end. A track ran along it to doors on either end. Screams reverberated while gears loudly clicked, and things loudly banged deep inside. As the other doors opened the loud sounds of the haunted house intensified. A fresh car graffiti paint still dripping wet balls burst to their feet.

    ¡°We got plenty of time for one last amusement ride, then a snack, and when the eclipse is done we will help pack up the stand before heading for the hills and beating traffic out of here,¡± said Jed, stuffing ribs into his mouth.

    ¡°You eat anymore and my ass won¡¯t be able to haul you with the cargo,¡± laughed Mule.

    They climbed into the vehicle with a ticket exchanged. The ghoulish design dropped a lever with a screwdriver shoved into the socket with duct tape. The ride shot forward as the beat in the filthy speakers dropped. The crude track shook as the ride lurched round a corner full of smoke knocking part of an ass into Jed¡¯s face.

    ¡°OOOWOOOGAAAA!¡±

    A foghorn obliterated the air ringing ears. Jed covered his ear before moving one hand to clamp shut his nose and blowing to reduce pressure. The lights flickered on as the car slammed to a halt. A mummy wrapped in dusty robes lurched forward toward the vehicle causing Jed to wince as he wiggled for his holster by instinct and was reminded that he had checked his guns in on the outskirts of town before entering. The bandages threatened to unravel as it reached forward threateningly. Jed winced as it silently grabbed above their heads. He turned and found out that Mule appeared to have disappeared into thin air.

    The lights gradually dimmed again while the animatronic mummy was pulled back into the wall from which it had come. The tracks led down the corridor lined with darkened outlines as the shadow of the next cart ahead rounded the bend. A scream pierced the air far ahead where it had gone. The smoke machines continued sputtering.

    As the sound of his tinnitus gradually lowered the screaming cut the air behind as the mummy¡¯s foghorn blew. A new sound entered the premises. It was the loud chomping of many mouths ripping and tearing into food.

    ¡°Mule where are you at?¡± stammered Jed looking all around.

    ¡°Hey careful not to crush me,¡± a shrill voice called.

    An armadillo crawled onto the seat from the floor.

    ¡°Oh hey there Mule, you really think i¡¯m capable of crushing your new armor?¡± laughed Jed.

    ¡°I don¡¯t know man you¡¯ve gotten kinda fat with three square meals a day on the farm and the break in adventuring,¡± teased Mule.

    ¡°BOOOO!¡± cackled a ghost falling from the ceiling before bouncing on wires.

    ¡°Oh common¡­ Hey why did you switch from your natural donkey form to an armadillo friend.. Are you scared?¡± said Jed.

    ¡°This critter here doesn''t have good hearing, and I don¡¯t feel like dealing with this sensory overload,¡± said Mule.

    ¡°Well man you got the right idea because I hate the sound of eating, and that¡¯s all the sound effects they are playing, but still Buk buk buk buk ba-gawk you shoulda transformed into a chicken instead hahaha,¡± laughed Jed.

    The vehicle spit sparks from the side of the track as the corner was slowly rounded. Something underneath shook the ride as something threatened to derail them. Jed looked over the side and saw a severed arm waving a greeting at him. A body was stuck underneath and it must be being mushed into paste. The cart ahead had tipped over and a crowd of shadowy figures had surrounded it.

    ¡°Uhhhhhhhhggg,¡± called a zombie stumbling towards them.

    It tripped on the tracks and fell on its face. The moving vehicle crunched over rotten meat, and came to a halt due to too much blockage underneath. Ahead the zombies ripped and tore into the fresh flesh of the couple who had been in line in front of them.

    ¡°I think it¡¯s time to stop clowning around, this action is for real, and i¡¯m stuck under this deathtrap,¡± said Jed, fighting with the safety bar pinning him down.

    The armadillo started to squeal, thrash and smoke as Mule started taking on another shape. The pack of zombies turned their heads and focused on the freshest pair of lunch that had been delivered. Jed continued to struggle as the dead waltzed forward drooling. Mules shell cracked in half then fizzled and out popped a field mouse.

    ¡°Common Mule you got to help me,¡± yelled Jed.

    ¡°Braaaaaaaaaaaaains¡± replied the approaching horde.

    The sound of an ancient undead cackling reverberated before breaking into a coughing fit. The air temperature rapidly dropped causing Jeds breathing to frost the air as a smoke machine began burning up. The place stunk of burnt plastic throughout the props of a house that had suddenly become haunted for real.

 87: Partytime

    ¡°Mule stop clowning around and give me a hand,¡± hollered Jed.

    His echo is the only thing to holler back. He found himself suddenly sitting alone in the seat of the stalled amusement attraction. The aptly named safety bar pressing down hard as a rock causing an unsafe situation in malfunction. The cheap carnival lights flickered rapidly off and on somewhere above in the ceiling of the claustrophobic closet of a haunted ride. His cowboy hat was removed, flogging away the fog as the last active machine sputtered to a stop.

    ¡°Braaaaains¡± drooled the pack of hungry incoming zombies.

    This horde was composed of fresh, relatively non-scaled undead wearing the assorted combined fashion of a funeral home mixed with a construction site. They shambled towards the living struggling to escape. The smell of sickly sweet iron fishy where it seeped.

    The dead feasted on the other guests stuffed like hogs with fair grease that fell ripped In pieces from maroon stained teeth. A corpse in a leather jacket seemingly had the same thick grease in his slicked back bloodied hair. A blazed bone was exposed while nearby an elderly zombie''s dentures fell to the floor and a wheelchair zombied zoomed into battle.

    The horde was moments from devouring Jed who was involuntarily puking his guts out. Mule remained nowhere to be seen. In place of the donkey a balloon animal was constantly changing shapes in the big bucket seat. It wiggled from helium huffing holler monkey to a ballooned up hound dog howling; while under the swinging fake full moon on strings Jed prepared to die. He was going to have to accept having his final resting place being pinned under the safety bar.

    ¡°Pop!¡±

    The air swirled in a dusty cloud obscuring vision as the balloon let out its last breath deflated.

    ¡°Honk, honk!¡±

    A white gloved individual honked on a comically extended red nose. The killer looking clown was washed in freshly applied makeup, but still looked and smelled like ass.

    ¡°Hehehe I got thee,¡± cackled the beady eyed trickster god.

    ¡°HeHehehe¡± interrupted another bout of evil cackling from an ancient voice.

    Isabella had become zombified and infiltrated the fairgrounds. Whatever little of the humanity to survive her cultivated long lifespan had rotten away. However naturally she had still been drawn to this spooky haunted house attraction in particular.

    She paced in the security room behind several CRT screens dreaming of ways to make this into a thrilling and profitable dungeon. A thumbtack board in the background had bounties for anyone possessing royal blood. It seemed that the royal system was being purged for a different style of government, but neither the posters nor the paperwork on the desk provided any further clues. The first test as dungeon master would be defeating the outlaw who had previously owned her.

    ¡°I control the former lives in this small county, but soon the dead will kill off the entire planet and be the new breed of alive, before then I intend to make a haunted house where anyone to survive get a million dollars, but they never will hehe,¡± she continued celebrating barking like a hoarse sea lion.

    Isabella¡¯s wicked breath killed a fly that had dared buzz too close while her cackle shook soot off the loudspeakers. Her evil essence peeled back her puppets clothes and screeched static like nails on a chalkboard into the ears of our heroes. As she checked the security desk drawers for hard candies to help soothe her throat, a metal bar groaned but remained stuck unlike the horde. They would rip them apart in a matter of seconds.

    ¡°Hee Haw hee haw I¡¯m back buddy is the scary stuff over,¡± blurted Mule shifted back into his truest donkey form complete with attached saddle.

    He turned himself around and placed rear hoofs on the obstacle pinning his friend.

    ¡°Jeez help quick, when did you turn into a scaredy cat bro.¡±

    ¡°Clang!¡±

    The metal bar ripped off its gears with a lot of horsepower and sent flying through the sky. It swung round and round straight for the zombies just reaching Jed¡¯s flesh. They were cleaved away for right now, but there were plenty more warm worm filled corpses rapidly incoming.

    Jed rushed to his feet and kicked up a cloud of dried mud in the fight for life. He punted away the immediate threat with a steel toe boot concaving a head built of inferior dried leathery materials splintering at the seams.

    Mule kicked two zombies with his charged back hooves. The energy was so great it turned them into rockets that pasted red on the wall painted like a crypt.

    ¡°We have to find Bessie before it¡¯s too late,¡± said Jed, dodging hungry chompers.

    ¡°That tough lass can handle herself for now let¡¯s focus on getting out of here in one piece,¡± said Mule, kicking a zombie''s head spinning around in circles like a record.

    A flailing dead collided with several other cadavers sending them into a coma pile.

    ¡°Escaping this ambush would be a lot easier with my revolvers,¡± said Jed.

    ¡°Ooowoogaaa!¡±

    A foghorn behind them sounded. The shadows of another wave emerged from that direction boxing them in. A mummy pulled itself out of a prop sarcophagus to stalk the halls.

    ¡°We gotta go forward, there''s too many enemies to take down all at once,¡± said Mule, charging forward.

    They stampeded forward after Jed had hitched a ride. He swung wildly hanging from a single arm around the saddle. The lights were out in this section of the haunted attraction. The metal ground rang out from the running hooves, as a never ending stream of hungry zombies cried out in the darkness.

    They ran into a cold breeze that blew in rattling things unseen. Suddenly light appeared flickering in the far distance. Mule barreled straight for it. The hooves got quiet as the drawing light revealed everything covered in thick spiderwebs. The light crystal lit a webbed monument to the hunt of spider bait.

    ¡°Gulp, I hate arachnids,¡± cried Jed.

    ¡°There¡¯s far scarier creatures out there to be afraid of, like me,¡± said the winking Mule, who slowed to a crawl to concentrate on scowling at the crystal.

    He stood directly next to the good sized glowing/humming/warming light crystal.

    ¡°AHHH that feels good,¡± said Mule, beginning to really scratch his back on it.

    Jed turned around just in time to spot a dark shadow slowly dropping from the ceiling. The incoming giant spiders exoskeleton had a gold and black skull on its underside revealed in the light. It stealthy descended on them weaving a zipline of spider threads in its wake.

    ¡°Hee Haw run you fool!¡± The man commanded over steed.

    Mule ran for cover as ordered, and kept going. Jed ducked as he flew towards a wall covered in white tapestry of many hundreds of layers of fly traps. His heart beat out of his chest seeing many wrapped things bigger than man. The wall of webs however was no match for the plowing ass.

    The neighborhood zombies dressed in suits and slacks announced themselves by groaning as they followed the rails. Jed and Mule had entered a smaller haunted house overlooking the tracks. There were fake ghouls cut off from the energy stones standing unflinching above them in the windows. They two friends hid as the brainless groaning intensified outside.

    ¡°So you age like a tree,or not at all by magic?¡± whispered Jed.

    ¡°Like a rock lobster I shed my various shapes and shells fall off my featureless inner essence of crystals shining bright always until the day I supernova,¡± illuminated Mule.Support the author by searching for the original publication of this novel.

    ¡°I see sounds scary, but I guess you have always been utilizing this to help us,¡± said Jed.

    ¡°Shhh you''re gonna wake the dead,¡± whispered Mule.

    They went quiet as something was banging outside the doors of a mansion cut in half so the guests could look into rooms full of mannequins. It was silent again lasting what must have been several minutes.

    ¡°I gotta say I still miss the X-ray vision you used to have,¡± finally whispered Jed.

    ¡°Me too buddy for over five thousand years I had it and one day my vision is going, my knees ache and I can barely hold myself together in one shape. huff don¡¯t get old,¡± puffed Mule, stopping to catch his breath.

    ¡°Shit look let¡¯s save the talking and escape,¡± whispered Jed, who pointed to a shadow growing in size.

    ¡°Braaaains¡± it groaned.

    ¡°Guess it¡¯s time to go loud,¡± they said in unison.

    ¡°Smash!¡±

    Over a dozen enemies poured inside the set. A zombie was thrown out the top floor window breaking grips equipment. Jed kicked one over the edge before he slipped sideways and fell off by accident. He yelled ¡°mistakes were made,¡± midair as one floor after another flew past in the atrium. A convenient hay bale absorbed the impact.

    Nearby an old fashioned knight propped in the corner was illuminated by a fake flash as bad sound effects accompanied. It looked kinda like lightning but was only a light stone set to cast illusions on the stage. Most of the spooky side effects were of stock variety mixing with the zombies'' cries for hunger all too real.

    Jed released the armor which toppled into a heap of metal on the floor to equip the looted weapon. He heard the incoming shuffle of footsteps and was holding a flail. Now it was his turn to start swinging. The deadly ball of stone energy begins gaining speed.

    ¡°GRrrrrrrrrrrRRRRRR¡± said the pack of zombies shambling forward from crevices.

    ¡°Whoosh Whoosh,woose,¡± replied the real cool Eval weapon spinning at high RPM.

    One of them climbed from a fish pond, another from a trash can, and a third from the bushes.

    ¡°Wham.wham..Blam!¡¯¡±

    ¡°I can¡¯t believe they would leave a weapon in a fair ride even if it¡¯s mid,¡± He said, wielding the weapon.

    A victory dance was performed by shaking his hips and spinning the chained spiked balls like pom poms. He braked from the celebration momentarily to cave in another skull. In the loft above him bodies were packed into the small space. They started sailing over the sides as Mule kicked them to a second death against the concrete.

    He had fallen face first into an underground fight club. The indoor pond was surrounded with meditation pads of a dojo. The workout gear was ruined awash in a sea of sweat and blood.. Many of the zombies joining the action knew martial arts. The outside windows were dark as the eclipse reached totality blanketing everything in an eerie vibe.

    ¡°Shoot it looks like he''s doing all the work getting rid of the enemies. I¡¯ve got to find the staircase to get to the top floor again to escape outside,¡± thought Jed.

    There were plenty of bodies that had hit the floor all around him, but not all of them were down for the count. In particular all the ones to splash into the pools slowly rose to rejoin the action one after another some covered in imitation seaweed. He was surrounded by at least a dozen zombies. It was dark pretty dark indoors and the high shrubs and other assorted potted plants kept him nervous many more remained hidden in the shadows.

    ¡°Guess Mule¡¯s kicked enough down here for now, hurry up zombies and come at me I got big balls,¡± he yelled, raising the flail in an intimidating manner.

    The zombies remained blind to fear as they barreled towards the living. The weapon striked once, popping a socket, then again breaking a leg. Jed turned just in time to cave in another dome from a different freak. A big boned zombie fell from above collapsing on several undead standing around. They boxed in closer and closer with every second. In the time it took the next one to fall to the flail the other two dozen were surrounding him.

    ¡°Wham,Crunch, BOING!¡±

    ¡°Take that you rotten maggot sacks.¡±

    The ball of the flail lashed out at all three in close quarters. It disabled all of these enemies, but the chain became wound in between bones and crystal scales. Jed used his boots to hold back two more hungry mouths. A cold hand grabbed him from behind. He turned around, his vision went in and out of focus.

    ¡°Wham!¡±

    The immediate threat was eliminated for good, but something else was wrong; he had lots of bad symptoms like lens effects including a black vignette and a spell of heavy dizziness. The ground pounded like a massive drum set to 11 beats per minute. Time seemed to be slowing to a crawl.

    The atrium shook again, while the four small ponds all rippled, and the fish remained dazed and confused. On the waters edge Jed was grabbed and rolled onto the mat by corpses that had crawled out after splashing down. He punched the first enemy back down the bank, but two more attacked from other directions and knew how to easily pin to win.. The martial artist zombies pulled him into the depths. The very last thing he saw before going underwater was an Ankylosaurus charging forward, and smashing aside many enemies with its tail flail.

    The zombies hated the dinosaur''s armored exterior. They didn¡¯t see the swinging tail long enough to form an opinion. Mule charged forward trampling several, and impaling two on either side. As he reached the waters edge his energy levels faltered. There were more zombies filtering into the area to take the place of those previously re-deceased. Jed was drowning in yet another water hazard and he was a land lover.

    The Ankylosaurus disappeared into a cloud of smoke. A salmon plopped out of the dust before splashing into the pool. Jed thrashed off a sea of attackers trying to bite him under the surface. The dead chomped the bubbling waters while he ran out of air. Mule swam forward struggling to fight against the small current. His vision had even worse effects playing while his energy levels remained too low to switch shape to a predatory animal.

    ¡°Glub, glub, glub,¡± went the last of Jed¡¯s air escaping.

    The troubled waters had become increasingly bloody while they spun up kinda like a garbage disposal below the drain. There were lots of air bubbles popping while pieces of chewed up arms and legs started surfacing. Just below the surface Mule worked overtime in piranha form biting at the zombies flesh. One dead waitress cried out, surprised to have had the tables turned on the order of meat eaters. Meanwhile Jed climbed towards the surface in a low oxygen dream-like sequence.

    ¡°Splash¡±.

    The man spit water as he doggy paddled back to the shore. He pulled himself up while the water fell off his back. There were at least 50 lifeless corpses littering the nearby vicinity, however none of them appeared to be walking. On the other hand neither did he who stumbled forward like a drunken sailor. Jed fell to the ground dropping with his blood pressure. The dirty waters parted behind him as a donkey shape emerged out of thick goo.

    ¡°C¡¯mon bud hitch a ride, let''s go,¡± said Mule.

    Jed weakly nodded in acknowledgement.

    ¡°Hey man you gotta live, I''m more tired than a tick gorged from the host to it¡¯s breaking point, but too stubborn to quit,¡± mused the Mule.

    ¡°Let¡¯s hope I don¡¯t turn out to be a host and cut the chit chat and split before more zombies show up directed by the witch that broadcasted her warning,¡± said Jed, climbing onto the saddle.

    ¡°I¡¯m pretty sure that was a recording. All part of the attraction, don''t worry buddy,¡± laughed Mule.

    ¡°I just saw you scared you faker,¡± stammered Jed.

    The path forward marked with emergency lights. A door hacked apart through a makeup room. They ran through an office floor. Each cubicle looked identical except for a few cheap plastic toys. A whiteboard displayed a budget, while a poster marked this year''s fair in cartoon violence. Another print advertised a hidden mascot to find.

    ¡°Shudder, this is the scariest part of the attraction,¡± yelled Mule.

    The charging beast skidded around a corner. His hooves loudly smashed past the bathrooms, a boardroom, and the executive offices. Mule smashed aside a metal door to emergency lights headed up a metal staircase.

    Jed¡¯s head was getting dizzy rushing up step after step. He would have never climbed floor after floor. There didn¡¯t seem to be an end in sight with him stuck looking down. He counted numbers in his head to remain from going away, and never coming back. Mule conquered step after step like a champion mountain goat. Despite being near as low on energy as Jed he didn¡¯t show it.

    The bell rang as an emergency exit was pushed open. The light outside had begun to return on the edges of the sun as the blocking moons went upwards. The temperature remained cold. There were many wires run into holes in wood fencing, a loud generator loudly blasted right next door, and a combination of trailers, and RV¡¯s littered the area. The trash blew in the breeze and a club song started blasting bass from speakers all over the fair as people stopped watching the natural phenomenon to return to man made entertainment.

    Everything seemed normal except Jed who had passed out. Mule darted through back alleys, and employee areas. A man and two women smoked around a fire pit. He hid behind their clothesline and used the back gate to re-enter the fairgrounds.

    ¡°Hey daddy look a show pony,¡± said the snot nosed brat grabbing hold of the tail.

    ¡°Honey, that animal is as dirty as they come.¡±

    Mule went to kick by instinct as his tail was yanked, but happened to see a stroller being pushed by the living and paused his muscles just in time. It appeared the other parts of the holiday fair were still going on as normal.

    ¡°WATCH IT,¡± yelled Mule, sending the kid hiding underneath her mothers skirt.

    They trotted through the crowds pushing aside a path until he saw the familiar sign of the farm stand.

    ¡°Hey Mule how was the view.. wait a second what the heck happened to Jed looks haggard as shit pardon me,¡± blurted Bessie running forward with a concerned expression. ¡°This might be the worst I¡¯ve ever seen him, what the farc just happened? Tell me¡±.

    ¡°It¡¯s a long story, I''ve seen him in plenty worse shapes, and we should get going if we don¡¯t want to be eaten by zombies,¡± said Mule, scowling.

    ¡°There¡¯s a chiropractor shop set up not far from here that could provide temporary medical support,¡± said Bessie, looking into Jed¡¯s face with utmost concern.

    She started feeling his forehead.

    ¡°Ca-ugh,cough, hack,¡± he sputtered to life, spitting all over her festive blouse.

    ¡°Hahahaha,¡± laughed Mule. ¡°Seriously though guys save the flirting for later, and clean the register out.¡±

    ¡°Ok yeah let¡¯s get out of here as fast as possible,¡± agreed Bessie.

 88: Rolling, Rolling, Rolling

    ¡°I¡¯m telling you that we were just attacked by a pack of zombies,¡± gasped Jed, pointing to the haunted house entrance behind them while breathing heavily.

    He continued huffing and puffing, unable to think clearly or speak anymore but gibberish.

    ¡°Awe shucks it ain¡¯t nothing for a creature of my kind to perform continuous miracles,¡± boasted Mule, whacking at a swarm of bugs that had gathered in the frigid night air with his tail.

    The talking animal had discovered discarded chicken nuggets on the ground and began to feast. This seemingly normal looking creature blended in with an identical looking farm animal in the background until it paused in the slop basket to open its mouth again.

    ¡°¡°It¡¯s an honest job of keeping fragile humans going,¡± Mule snorted, licking leftover ketchup off its snout before spitting out a half eaten paper plate. ¡°Jed is an especially tough specimen and still frail as a chicken shit bag of bones in the end.¡±

    ¡°Ahem sorry to interrupt your chat boys but are the two of you sure it just wasn¡¯t just a very convincing but ultimately fake haunted house illusion?¡± inquired Bessie, leisurely loading vegetables into the cargo hold of her family owned chuck wagon.

    ¡°I''m positive it was real zombies in there dear we should go faster,¡± he said, becoming agitated as he started throwing things around.

    ¡°Don¡¯t break shit,¡± scolded Bessie.

    ¡°I was nearly killed, but Mule saved my ass once again is what I meant to say.¡±

    She bent over the register. ¡°The haunted attractions here have some of the best witches and wizards in showbusiness working to scare you silly with allusions, but I believe you especially with the eclipse making everything extra supernatural,¡± she added.

    The cash register sang a loud jingle for change as she slid open the lid.

    ¡°It was very real,¡± they agreed.

    Jed returned to Mule, where one of his eyes didn''t stray anyway. Meanwhile Bessie was stuffing the farmstand profits in her exposed stockings. With that task completed she began fishing around in the cloth around her bosom hunting for other objects.

    ¡°Woah,¡± whispered Jed, looking with both eyes again.

    ¡°Bang,Bang!¡± said the flashing chrome emerging out from her breasts.

    The dead body she had just blasted hit the dirt. It folded and quivered on the ground right behind the man looking around dumbly holding an ear that rang like a broken bell.

    ¡°Get your wallet back before another thief tries their luck,¡±she said, blowing smoke away from the steaming hot barrel.

    ¡°A sober man that could often pass off as inebriated,¡± she said, blowing smoke off the barrel of a tiny little pistol. She shoved it back into bra, and raised a rugged eyebrow.

    ¡°Even I know how intoxicating lust is,¡± ribbed Mule.

    He stood on two legs and slung a hoof around Jed¡¯s neck. The man blushed as something was whispered better left unsaid.

    ¡°Enough bromance the riff raff really comes out after closing time. I tease, but you are right to want to get the fuck out of here Jed,¡± interupted Bessie, folding away empty paper bags.

    ¡°I almost let myself get robbed damn,¡± said Jed, thinking aloud while he pried his own wallet from another cold dead hand.

    He gave himself a pat down to check everything else was home. Suddenly a shadow ran from a tent being chased by a man wielding a folding chair into the stands. The action surrounding them intensified as yells in a nearby tent as a drunken brawl broke out among the bingo players. A helpless man was dragged down an extended table collecting every game board and splinter in his path. Another shit talker had a beer can jammed in his mouth, his fingers wedged through broken glass where they bleed; while his own two gonads were added onto the numbered ball pit that painfully spun.

    ¡°Mule you''re up to haul the chuck wagon real fast,¡± said Bessie, popping open one of her many clothing trunks for a change.

    She clipped field tested overalls over her festive pumpkin dress.Then a plaid checkered extra large shirt.

    ¡°Nice beaver you there,¡± said Mule, winking while nuzzling the thieves corpse, knocking off the skin hat exposing a clay dome.

    ¡°Huh a Slyman,¡± he growled, drawing backwards.

    The slain creature rose from the ashes where purple brain matter had leaked from its head. The bullets were pushed out of their entrances and shortly all of its matter had spilled away into the shadows. Mule licked up something that tasted of space dust. His curiosity was directed to little puddles of matter following the Slymans path home.

    A banjo buzzed as the country western swing band cut short their instrumental in a nearby tent. A head was smashed through a table, but the final insult was a bottle of cheap gin cracked open across the noggin.

    ¡°Yeah it¡¯s getting real ugly here alright,¡± said Jed.

    ¡°Hey partner,¡± whistled Bessie, revealing two lever action rifles from a hidden compartment in the trunk underneath the clothes. ¡°Catch a shooter,¡± she said, tossing one.

    ¡°Why aren¡¯t you a smuggler''s daughter,¡± laughed Jed, catching his midair.

    ¡°Wham!¡±

    The nearby brawl had rippled through the cheap tent with an equally cheap punch. A man lay limp in a horse trough. His friend was still standing but stabbed. Jed and Bessie both aimed at the commotion.

    ¡°Only grab what¡¯s absolutely necessary here,¡± said Jed.

    ¡°We will leave the rest of the vegetables for the rats,¡± she said, lifting the heaving trunk onto Mule¡¯s back.

    ¡°Hey wait a second lets do this smart thing here and stack trucks on top of each other while we both carry either end,¡± suggested Jed.

    ¡°With each one hand free to shoot,¡± she finished, plopping the first trunk on the ground.

    There were five trunks total in five sizes which all ended up stacked pretty high. They slowly worked along the gravel of the fairway hanging onto the biggest trunk handles over the side of the slow moving pack animal. The items wiggled in the wind slowly traveled to a crawl in order to keep them balanced. They threatened to shoot a troublemaker trying his luck and managed to make it.

    ¡°I¡¯ve got myself strapped or I would help unload what¡¯s on my back,¡± announced Mule, as they approached.

    ¡°The hardest part loading anyway,¡± stated Bessie, working on coaching the top crate down onto the wagon.

    This pristine chuck wagon had been long ago built by her grandfather. It was modeled after his army unit and mostly stored underground in a makeshift garage of a buried repurposed fuel container. However every holiday season the festive vehicle would emerge from the ground to carry their root vegetables between fairs. This was the first of many festivals scheduled on their calendar with their farm-stand at the spooky fair.

    She strapped in Mule as Jed placed the last container from this one into the cargo hold. She wondered to herself if this would be the last of her farmhand and his magical talking animals help.

    ¡°C¡¯mon slowpokes lets go,¡± yelled Mule, impatiently stamping down his hooves while he trotted in place.

    ¡°Ayah Mule we all set. I grant your wish let''s be off at once,¡± shouted Bessie, wrangling the reins in the front seat.

    The chuck wagon lurched forward through potholes. Jed fell back into the stack of trunks he had just finished strapping down face first.

    ¡°You guys are going to snap an axle if you keep running straight into those holes,¡± hollered Jed.

    ¡°Don¡¯t have to backseat drive me,¡± yelled Mule.

    ¡°Jed is right, Mule. You slow your roll on this bumpy road we got you covered don''t break my family heirloom, this was handcrafted by my late grandfather ill smack you,¡± she scolded.

    ¡°Yes ma¡¯am I wouldn¡¯t dare ruin a thing on this ride, I can assure you my driving record is centuries long and yet spotless, and my insurance is at the highest levels of awesomeness.¡±

    They hit a bump causing Jed to be reunited with the trunks at full force.

    ¡°Ooof,¡± he said as the air escaped his chest.

    Bessie gripped the handles of the wagon that jolted around.

    ¡°Mule slows the farc down,¡± she said sternly.

    The wagon slowed to a crawl at the gate of the fairground parking lot. There was a line of vehicles slowly trickling outside. A group of men gathered around an idling minivan holding lanterns. Something was smashed through the front window as the loud crowd erupted onto the vehicle with baseball bats and sledgehammers. Jed drew his rifle until he spotted all the spray paint tagging up the vehicle.This narrative has been purloined without the author''s approval. Report any appearances on Amazon.

    ¡°Beat the van is a holiday institution in these parts,¡± laughed Bessie, pointing to a man holding up a part he had just severed from the engine compartment. ¡°Any submitted vehicle that doesn¡¯t make the demolition derby for whatever reason is fair game watch ''em go now,¡±. She hollered, raising a fist.

    The mob gathering round the vehicle''s carcass cleared as a screaming man charged forward waving a boulder wildly above his head. The van''s roof was dunked on collapsing by a haggard looking individual wearing a wife-beater and smoking a cigarette in the process. His audience of pregnant girlfriends erupted into cheers as they watched on the rocks. A fire was started in the backseat of the next demolition derby reject. .

    Jed climbed into the passenger seat of the chuck wagon next to Bessie. The truck in front of them was hauling a trailer full of mooing cattle through the narrow corridor flanked by fencing. After that there were three more vehicles crawling around after that and they were out.

    ¡°Hopefully there¡¯s no more hang ups here,¡± said Jed, knocking on the wooden seat three times for good luck.

    ¡°You should have stayed in the cargo hold Jed, we actually need to hide these I almost forgot.. Actually here take the reins and I¡¯ll take that,¡± she finished by disarming him.

    Bessie climbed into the backseat with both guns. Jed turned to where the cattle in front of them were being checked over by two men in uniform. One held a light and the other a clipboard he checked numbers against the tags clipped to the animals ears. There was a clicking thump in the backseat as a secret compartment was opened. The men in front reemerged from the trailer and latched the door before shouting to the driver in the lifted pickup.

    ¡°All set!¡±.

    ¡°Ok it¡¯s our turn,¡± said Bessie climbing back into the driver''s seat.

    ¡°This is gonna be an easy inspection to pass,¡± said Mule confidently strutting forward.

    Jed kept his eyes on the road while a security guard flagged them down. Another man in uniform ran beside the coach boards.

    ¡°You''ve been selling grub?¡± he asked.

    ¡°Vegetable license,¡± said Bessie flashing a laminated badge from her purse.

    ¡°Right my men are just going to have a quick look to make sure nothing on here has been stolen,¡± said the guard.

    ¡°Have at it,¡± said Bessie cheerfully motioning towards the back.

    ¡°You her husband?¡± asked the guard, pointing at Jed.

    ¡°Uhmmmm..¡± he started thinking of excuses on the spot.

    ¡°Yes he is mine, and this is our mule hauling in the front,¡± said Bessie.

    ¡°I see,¡± said the guard, raising his eyebrows.

    There was a commotion in the back as a trunk had been recklessly opened spilling out clothes. Bessie turned and her face went red like her lipstick in embarrassment. The guard next to them blushed a darker shade as a bra fell on his lap. He threw it on the ground as her eyes pierced him like daggers.

    ¡°Hey boys stuff those away at once..erm sorry mam,¡± he stammered looking away in shame.

    ¡°You fellas are too rough, we ain''t done nothing to deserve this,¡± she wept tears into a flower embroidered handkerchief.

    ¡°Ok sorry you lot can go on through,¡± said the guard waving.

    The rest of the men had climbed from the back and joined him at the side. They walked to the next vehicle in line on autopilot. The party left on their chuck wagon peeling onto the asphalt that had been plowed of snow. The wagon continued picking up speed.

    ¡°Heyaaa let¡¯s ride!¡± screamed Bessie.

    ¡°Lady, you played them like a fiddle back there,¡± said Jed.

    ¡°One thing to know about me boy, I''ve got survival instinct over pride,¡± she laughed.

    The road they traveled ran beside a shuttered mill and creek. The boards of the small bridge they crossed had been aged to bleached white, and creaked. The wolves howled in the distance while the air blew in cold snowflakes underneath two crescent moons slim enough to be unable to form a single hole even if pieced together. The river lay undercover of snow and ice while the road wrapped around a covered ancient abandoned stone structure.

    Later on the ground returned to deep ruts in the mud covered with snow and ice that broke. The wagon wheels slurped through muddy soup underneath threatening to sink with every rotation forward. For now she was still rolling steady over broken cat tails of the frozen marsh. An owl hooted as it perched in a hollowed out pear tree that had never bore fruit before the life had been leached from it in a drought. The corpse of a crocodile had frozen too hard for the attached and frustrated turkey vulture''s beak to pierce.

    ¡°Would you fetch my puffer jacket back there Jed?¡± Bessie asked.

    ¡°Of course and I should have given you mine off my back long ago,¡± said Jed, climbing over the seat.

    ¡°Nonsense you are too nice.. just get mine now thanks,¡± she laughed.

    Mules nostrils blew hot steam while the two light crystals fastened in the front of the wagon provided plenty of light. He worked to navigate the difficult terrain. The darkness ahead gave way revealing a steep hill covered in blow-downs. The difficulty of this trek was getting harder. Mule took on a good pace to keep a jog the entire way up, but it would be a close call if they would make the farm tonight before he would pass out.

    ¡°Mule, why don¡¯t you slow down a bit to let us walk beside you in order to lighten the load,¡± said Jed.

    ¡°Right, good idea and you are welcome to stay put if you like princess,¡± said Mule, blowing a kiss to the rear.

    ¡°Alright Jed ill walk with you,¡± Bessie interjected.

    ¡°Sounds good let''s get off around this corner¡­¡± said Jed, climbing to the back of the speeding vehicle.

    ¡°Now easy Mule there¡¯s no rush if we can save some of your strength for emergencies, you do have some limits,¡± Bessie assured, while pulling on the reins with full force.

    ¡°Ok fine¡­ FAAAAARC!¡± yelled Mule, putting his foot down.

    A roadkill had littered the road of a massive mutant moose. A pack of wolves had gathered around for an all you could eat buffet on the torn off tender flesh of the moose''s freaky elephant trunk.

    The chuck wagon slammed to a stop throwing both occupants from either side. Jed jumped through the air a treetop flier before shooting over a small frozen pond and landing on his feet with a headache. Bessie landed face first into a snowbank. She picked her black and blue face out of the slush. The sharp sensation of pain finally set in as she looked down to discover her leg impaled all the way through by a sharp piece of wood.

    ¡°Get the guns!¡±.

    ¡°Roger,¡± said Jed, jumping back into the backseat of the chuck wagon.

    His fingers frantically scoured the wood-grain for secret springs, leavers, or other forms of key-less entry. The dead trees bent threatening to snap as a fierce gust of bone chilling winter air blew into the area. Under one spruce whose limbs had dried while the snow weighed heavily frosted on top a limb broke sending a chute of falling snow. There a dozen red beady eyes cut through the darkness looking for blood. A guttural growling echoed throughout the area. A totem glowed buried under the snow illuminating a pack of muscled wolves. Their fur coats glistened as they darted out of the light. They chased the smell of injured prey across the way where Bessie lay still stun locked from the impact.

    ¡°Jed the wolves are coming and if I decide to shapeshift I won¡¯t have the strength to climb for days,¡± brayed Mule.

    ¡°Aha I''m a genius¡± screeched Jed, throwing his fists to the air in celebration.

    After playing a game Simon says with the drink compartments, and a plastic cup he had won access to the vehicles main weapon locker. Jed slung the lever action rifle on his back, and cradled another in his arms like a baby as his boots climbed onto the ice.

    ¡°Mule I trust you can stay safe, if it comes down to it material objects can always be replaced,¡± yelled Jed as he charged into the underbrush with haste.

    ¡°Ayah captain you know I''m always a pro in the face of grave danger,¡± said Mule, chewing on smoked meat from the also unlocked pantry.

    Jed sprinted forward into the darkness. Bessie lay as quiet as she could manage nursing an injured leg. The wind blew hair into her face, and her scent into the noses of the hungry animals heading inbound to feast. They howled in premature celebration.

    ¡°Bang,Bang,Bang!¡±.

    ¡°Yelp!¡±.

    A wolf was cracked in the back of its spine with a bullet. It tumbled underneath a mess of tree branches to finish dying unseen. Bessie had managed to free her impaled leg with great determination; she continued lifting off the spike despite the pain. She limped forward as wolves leaped out of the underbrush in attack mode.

    ¡°Bang,Bang,Bang!¡±.

    Jed¡¯s gun ran throughout the dark treeline briefly illuminating him after every shot. The wolves he shot at darted between the knotted spruce that bore his bullets like hornets. There must have been hundreds of them.

    ¡°Come hunt me dogs not Bessie damn it,¡± he yelled, eyes frantically searching for areas they were not able to see in the dark. He continued trudging through the snow that was in danger of growing neck deep. Nearby Bessie held onto her bleeding leg with one hand while fishing underneath her fur coat with the other. A wolf snarled with impatient hunger as it drew in with teeth ready to rip and tear at dinnertime. It was close enough to be overpowered by its filthy wild animal odor.

    ¡°BANG!.BANG!.BANG!¡±

    She began blasting her massive big iron revolver 18 inches long. The attacking wolf was riddled with bullets tearing out the other side. The sound of the shooting was so loud a shower of snow was knocked from the trees blowing messed up flakes all around. All the icicles previously littered the fir trees like holiday ornaments until they shot downwards on command of the roar of the echoing big iron shots. The pack yelped away on the retreat as the storm chilled their backsides.

    ¡°Bessie that¡¯s you alive I hope,¡± yelled Jed emerging from the freshly cleared branches into the clearing.

    A blizzard was brewing into the area. The shadow of her feminine figure limped towards him.

    ¡°Yeah I''m fine,¡± she announced, holstering the big gun to inspect her injuries for the first time after the battle.

    ¡°Your bleeding,¡± said Jed, approaching her with a face full of concern.

    ¡°Never-mind partner, you focus on shooting more of these wild dogs that surround us before we catch rabies,¡± her loud gun started blasting again, cutting off her voice for now.

    Jed couldn''t help spot that she had ripped off some more of her clothing to tie around the wounded leg. The sound of howling intensifying in the distance reminded them of their original objective.

    ¡°Oh shit we are gonna lose our load to the wolves,¡± screeched Bessie limping forward.

    ¡°It¡¯s alright Mule is seemingly invincible as far as I have observed,¡± said Jed, aiming to the

    ¡°What do you think he really is?.. Something we can trust and not a parasite?¡± she inquired, while traversing over a fallen log.

    ¡°A fool and a horse''s ass that might just be the child of something alien, but he means well I entirely trust my life on it,¡± Jed replied, reloading his bolt action from a pouch built into his leather jacket.

    ¡°Alright let''s boogie on back to the wagon,¡± she said, doubling her limp. ¡°Say sir, do you happen to be a knight, suppose I never asked..¡± she inquired.

    ¡°Why yes I¡¯ve been knighted a long while now,¡± replied Jed, double checking the safety was on as he ran ahead.

    Back up the bend Mule whistled an ancient folk melody to himself while he waited for his friend''s return. A pair of wolves emerged with stomachs growing into the clearing.

    ¡°Well shoot, how about you two take something already cooked?¡± pleaded Mule.

    The wolves stopped to seemingly consider the offer. What acted like the alpha among them began to howl, drawing in a dozen more blood red eyes with the call for food. Another wolf snapped at the false alpha howler who yipped away with an injured ego as the rest advanced for supper.

    At the treeline a volley of projectiles greeted the advancing predators sending them running for the hills. Bessie ducked while reloading her guns, while Jed took his turn. The remaining wolf pack continued to howl. The chuck wagon lurched forward quickly gaining speed ahead while beginning to climb the steep hill. The pack of wolves followed their dinner barking while leaving a trail of drool behind them to melt the snow. Jed and Bessie trailed in the rear shooting at dark shadows. They quickly found themselves left behind to rapidly dropping temperatures.

 89: Wolves Eat Kibble

    A man struggled exhaling into the frigid night air. The savage winter forced down his throat. The snow blowing in sideways funneled throughout the blown-down tree corridors. The falling timber limbs followed by fierce flurries that matched an ever intensifying building tension before the inevitable snap.

    At the edges of the steep hill it whipped up snowflakes like a blender into the night skies where the second person caught up climbing together in the intensifying weather.  Bessie and Jed were out in the dark. The light cast by their runaway chuck wagon had long disappeared. The wild call of hungry wolves could still be heard however the good news was it was diminishing in the distance. The pack chased the gravy train driven by Mule acting as bait, but hopefully he would come back for them eventually.

    ¡°Are you sure you don¡¯t have a light.. I have a healing kit in my backpack that might have a glowstick,¡± said Bessie.

    She limped injured behind with two guns ready. The ground was a slippery mix between black ice on exposed granite and snow. The skin around the injury on the leg could be seen black and blue even in the limited light of full moons.

    Jed started fumbling with his clothing ruffling through the pockets of his winter jacket.

    ¡°Shit you didn¡¯t tell me you had survival supplies. Give me your healing kit off your back, let''s see what we got,¡± commanded Jed.

    ¡°Aaa. Sorry it¡¯s hard to think, give me a second to adjust to the pain,¡± she mumbled, barely holding her head up.

    She began to fall until he caught her shoulder Jed inspected the makeshift bandage wound around the wound.

    ¡°Dang nammit Bessie you need immediate care from a doctor fuck, MULE WHERE ARE YOU?¡± hollored Jed, as loud as possible.

    His voice echoed through the snowy valley scaring the crows. He hastily unzipped the medical supplies and knocked things everywhere. Jed rested Bessie gently on a stump. He got on his hands and knees on the cold snow slowly losing his mind. His heart beat out of his chest as he picked through ointment tubes, and tweezers. It was impossible to see the full picture and find light.

    ¡°Snap.¡±

    ¡°Found it now let¡¯s fix me up,¡± said Bessie, holding the glow stick that slowly warmed into color.

    She rolled up her pant leg and applied the stinging disinfectant on the puncture while wincing.

    ¡°You ok?¡±

    ¡°Nope but let¡¯s roll anyway,¡± she said, before biting into the fabric of her sleeve.

    He started retying the bandage tightly as possible. The winds seemed to whine into ears while he wound tape around the last bandage and cut it off. They had used up all the medical supplies left on hand. This had long become a truly urgent wilderness survival situation.

    He dumped snow that had rapidly accumulated on the trenchcoat. The area was growing thinner with trees just like his hairline. The valley was filled deeper every second with rapidly collecting snowflakes. The inclement weather seemed to be building into a rage yet to be fully unleashed from the elements.

    ¡°MULE HELP,¡± whistled Jed.

    ¡°No sense wasting vital energy man, let''s figure out our best shot at not freezing come morning,¡± yelled Bessie over the storm.

    She juggled through her weapons while limping along in the rear.

    ¡°I¡¯ll help you live the best I can ma¡¯am, even if we have to spend the night on ice,¡± he said.

    ¡°The good news is those wolves seem to all be focused on Mule.. Ouch..The so-called nature preserves we are in are massive,¡± she said.

    Jed wrapped his flannel around her face to protect it.

    ¡°Thank you.¡±

    ¡°Brrrr,¡± he said, buttoning up the winter trench coat with one layer underneath removed.

    He paused and slapped his forehead in frustration. Off fell the used beaver skin hat Mule had previously looted from a creature now forever rendered brain damaged.

    ¡°What''s your pain level for walking forward?,¡±Jed asked, pausing the hike and listening intently.

    ¡°I¡¯m fine..Grr¡­.,¡± she mouthed additional swears that didn¡¯t fully form vowels.

    The wolves howled in the distance while she did in his face. Jed bent down and retrieved his hat.

    ¡°Here take my hat lady, unfortunately we can¡¯t really settle down somewhere, start a fire, and huddle for warmth with all the hungry predators about,¡± he said.

    ¡°You go find help from a nearby village. I will finish climbing the hill and bask in the green stone fires,¡± she stammered in pain.

    She gripped her crippled leg before shrieking.

    ¡°I will carry you on my back up this hill,¡± said Jed, tossing away 1 of 2 lever action rifles in order to not be encumbered by weight.

    ¡°Only go just as far as you can manage,¡± she said, getting into position.

    Jed grunted, lifting her onto his back. ¡°You will have to do the shooting from here on out,¡± he said.

    ¡°Okay we got this team survival mode,¡± she said.

    Jed retreated into his mind to continue hiking. He let out a long and exacerbated sigh as the terrain ahead became twice as difficult. The trek continued over deep snow and exposed glacier boulders for some time. The repeating gallery woodland in the background blurred together. Thousands of steps later he glanced around as if he had just awakened from a deep slumber in an unfamiliar area.

    The two of them awkwardly supported each other in a spacious thin forest on a hillside. A possible result of meticulous cleaning just like her wound needed to be treated. Despite being treated to the best of his abilities Bessie was still bleeding all over him. Jed struggled into gear slowly moving forward one step at a time. His paints and back had become warm due to her leaking fluids.

    He continued almost jogging faster uphill. It took several minutes of intense cardio until finally he reached the rocks. A section heading straight up with an iron rung ladder. He hosted her half way up and she pulled herself to the top. He followed and they arrived into a thickly forested area full of moss covered rocks jutting sharply through the foliage. A cave revealed itself shining on the cliff edge.

    ¡°Good luck crystals wow those are big,¡± said Jed.

    ¡°Look there''s a light in the distance,¡± whispered Bessie.

    ¡°Hope it¡¯s Mule,¡± said Jed, squinting with the blizzard clouding his eyes.

    The wind howled while the wolves joined in. The angry storm clouds momentarily pushed aside to reveal a steep drop below the trail and the northern lights. Where trees thinned to nothing but the smallest saplings rooted among crevices dotted a full slope.

    ¡°Hey there it looks like a familiar camp,¡± she mumbled, pointing above where the green waves danced with the stars on top of the hill.

    ¡°Yes, shelter soon,¡± whispered Jed.This tale has been unlawfully lifted without the author''s consent. Report any appearances on Amazon.

    ¡°It¡¯s such a steep climb,¡± she said before passing out cold.

    ¡°Ooof,¡± he called, falling over each other after tripping on something.

    He dusted off some of the ground in an effort to pull himself upwards, but slipped. They tumbled over the peak of a cord of chopped firewood buried under the snow. He turned and pulled out a splinter from himself before dumping her into a small cave. There he found a steady pulse, and her breathing gently in and out. She has only passed out for now.

    Jed worked free the crystal cutting hatchet strapped to her pack. His hands trembled as he pulled out a matchbook and lit off three duds in a row. He smacked himself in the face to calm his nerves. He tried again but he was no match for the match, this time drawing a brief flame that flickered a few seconds extinguishing before he could do anything with it.

    ¡°Farc,¡± he yelled.

    ¡°Who goes there?,¡± an angry voice couldn''t exactly cut through to make out the entire thing. ¡°Hello HQ does this fucking thing work Hello?¡± a voice screamed into the microphone.

    Loud static responded while the firestarter found in the health kit sparked to life with moist twigs.

    ¡°Stay here safe,¡± Jed whispered looking over Bessie one last time before crawling forward.

    ¡°Hello, anybody home?¡± the unknown voice yelled again, breaking branches as it got closer.

    A high beam light started bouncing from the tree to the exposed ledge above him. Jed remained unseen on the ground like a worm. The light inched closer and closer towards Jed who lay still under a tiny spruce sapling. He readied his hatchet to attack from the back, but then paused at the last second.

    The light was right on top of him now blinding him from sight before taking a detour around him. The heavy soldier worked extra hard to be moving forward with thunder shock thighs scraping together. He also wore fur and goose carcass stuffing, and held a mighty fat gun in his mittens. With the exterior armor covering everything sparkling beside the crystal light it was evident that this was made out of heavenly material slowed down due to body mass.

    Jed was dumbfounded at how to improvise another way of sneak attacking the especially large goon. He stroked his black and white beard. The option he needed to be thinking of was dragging Bessie out stealthily. He knew logically he could just leave her out in the frost to the wolves, and run for Mule, but that wasn¡¯t right. Besides, as long as the geezer was alive he would never give them back the jungle juice if they didn¡¯t return his daughter alive.

    He had to act fast on coming up with a plan. Jed looked all around while the soldier lumbered forward directly into the slim shade of moons.

    ¡°Chop, chop, chop!¡±

    ¡°Who goes there?,¡± demanded the heavily armored troop.

    He started to turn his body at 11 RPM, his minigun also began to spin. Finally after many sweaty seconds waddling around he saw nothing.The blizzard swirled around obscuring all vision.

    ¡°Chop, Chop, chop, chop!¡± cried the trees from the forest.

    ¡°Prepare to die animals,¡± announced the heavy soldier spinning up six rotating barrels with a quick crank spinning into action.

    Fresh bullets entered the many chambers to be ignited. The thug had dropped his light breaking out the crystal juice that seared a hole into the snow yellow just like piss. The light was gradually fading.

    ¡°Timber!¡± called Jed, exacting the round he had just shot in response while sprinting away.

    The tree was falling when the bullets started loudly shooting while dust and lead dust riddled the air around the camping shooter. The air was raining sweet smelling sawdust as the thing was full of enough holes to be a cheese. It became pulpwood falling to dust on its obliterator.

    ¡°HAhaHA,¡± taunted the heavily armored individual.

    A single branch managed to escape, scratching the heavy armor on the way down. The minigun barrels glowed bright red while smoke poured out the ends that continued spinning to cool. The snow swirling around sizzling after coming in contact with the hot metal barrels.

    Jed started hacking into another gnarly ancient tree. It was like butter with the fresh cutting crystal blade of her factory new hatchet. His arms burned with exertion as he forced his body to hack like no tomorrow.

    The bullets pelted the forest shredding trees, stumps, and burrows. Jed lay on the ground covering above his head as he army crawled behind a small bump in the terrain. The heavy soldier spun his big weapon around slowly shooting in that direction. The bullets whizzed by as they ricocheted off rocks and zipped into squirrel holes. A tree creaked as it was torn apart at the roots. Another one cracked apart as it fell over.

    Jed rolled away just in time with one side of branches stabbing into the frozen ground like dozens of swords. The smallest limbs snapped and shattered by the impact, throwing them out like quills. He covered his face with an already bandaged hand that was now full of splinters. An intense flurry of snow was kicked up burying him in the aftermath.

    Meanwhile Mule remained on the run from a pack of hungry wolves. There must have been a hundred predators in hot pursuit of the chuck wagon he was hauling up the hill. The sharp incline and slippery snow meant one misteap could easily be the end after a trip.

    "OooooooooooooooooOOOO,¡± howled the pack, drooling for food.

    The two leading predators were in front of over a dozen more nipping at his hooves. Mule couldn¡¯t turn his head to see how close they were getting to catching him. The trees got smaller and smaller as did the path. The crushed stones zipped behind him with the wolves as he climbed.

    Mule huffed and he puffed. He closed his eyes and dissociated into a happy place. His legs were on fire from a hundred suns but he persisted to run. He possessed practically unlimited depths to his abilities and cultivation, however his power came at a significant cost. It was getting very close to time to pay up.

    ¡°I¡¯m not becoming dog food,¡± he repeated in his head over and over again.

    He almost didn¡¯t hear the teeth clacking together after a narrow miss at eating his hind quarters. Mule opened his eyes and kicked.

    ¡°Wham!¡±

    The loaded two front wolves went flying as their limp bodies took off sledding downwards fast. The chuck wagon slowed down. The terrain had suddenly become covered in a thin layer of black ice laying in surprise. Mule had discovered this grave danger far too late as he slipped.

    ¡°Woof,¡± snarled a jumping wolf, biting onto his tail.

    ¡°Yooow!¡± yelled the ass.

    Mule bucked forward, throwing off the attacker while skating uphill due to momentum. The rest of the pack cautiously advanced to finish the hunt with their unclipped claws digging into him. Their rabid eyes worked with their voracious appetites to overpower danger to self. The load was slowly killing Mule as he slowly lost the battle against gravity.

    The wagon skidded sideways adding more passengers as wolves sailed through the air jumping aboard. The dogs ripped into cupboards gobbling up a store of lard in a bucket. They howled in delight, also nibbling on spilled kibble.

    A surprised wolf yelped as the icebox crushed it. The rest of the ride tilted sideways bucking him off paste on the trail. Mule''s momentum had stalled out after crunching on another wolf''s foot. Now his hooves were sliding backwards pulled down by the anchor on wheels. The weight of the many mangy bodies of the attacking starving beasts. A particularly malnourished wolf the straw that collapsed the camel''s back.

    The entire thing fell backwards. A tangled mess all wound together, the wagon spun and flipped taking out half a dozen enemies who had yet to climb aboard. The entire thing was launched off a cliff. Mule had used every last drop of his energy reserves. He had none left to take on any other form except for his default donkey skin. A wolf had jumped on top of him. He wiggled for dear life fighting to reach the saddle bag. He bucked and kicked, smacking off an attacker''s canine teeth. The crash was imminent. A wolf yelped as another bit him in the back as some last ditch effort of control. At the last second a slim tentacle lashed into the saddlebag fishing out a farc crystal.

    ¡°Poof!¡±

    Mule and wolves attached to him no clipped through the floor disappearing from this reality.

    The wagon and everything else exploded onto the ground. Flames lit up a tree covered in spilled magma powder. An explosion rocked the hillside reverberating across the valley. The laughing of the heavy soldier echoed the clearing with it. Nothing in the immediate area had been left standing after the hail of bullets. He spun his minigun over his head and then dunked it in snow that quickly melted.

    ¡°Targets eliminated,¡± he cackled into a crackling earpiece under the low visibility heavy duty helmet.

    ¡°Roger timber trooper,¡± replied a max volume radio.

    ¡°I wish I could hear you but I¡¯m heading back to base camp over and out,¡± he said waddling forward.

    ¡°Gotcha timber trooper we will inform the lookout for more enemies,¡± blared outside the slowly retreating heavily armored infantry.

    ¡°Hey timber,¡± hollored an unseen voice.

    ¡°What?¡± Asked the soldier looking up over and out of bounds.

    ¡°Timber,¡± Yelled Jed pushing a boulder above.

    ¡°Yeah whaaAAAAAAAAAAAAT THE FUC!¡±

    ¡°SMASH.¡±

    It was lights out forever bonked out with a noggin crushed on direct impact from a falling boulder. Jed shimmed the ledge he had climbed working to the body. It was still squirming with the life not fully squeezed out of it.

    ¡°Bang.¡±

    Jed retrieved the fallen minigun as the ammo had started to roll off the cliff. A makeshift sled was made out of the heavy soldier''s dislocated breast plate. The area was fully exposed to the elements. He would have to work fast to avoid frostbite to shovel in as many bullets as he could carry. Jed quickly checked the dead a final time discovering a pack he threw with the other loot. He had already found a rope he used to pull the attached sled.

    The snowflakes blinded him from the path, but he had tied red ribbons. He smelled smoke from the cave and heard knocking sounds. He jogged increasingly quickly, spilling bullets. Outside the area he found Bessie knocking together frozen firewood.

    ¡°Ah Jed I didn¡¯t know if you had gone for help like I suggested, but regardless have you seen my ax it would make the fire much easier to manage?¡± .

    ¡°Yeah actually¡­¡± Jed searched himself and sled for it, but came up empty handed. ¡°Here check out this loot I got you as a present, I¡¯ve got more stuff to get including your ax but understand I was under attack.¡±

    ¡°Yeah I understand, stay safe,¡± she called, but he had already left.

 90: Inferno Level Up!

    Mule found himself free-falling into the hollow center of the planet. He and his entangled attackers kickiing and biting up a storm through the air. Engaged in battle with three wolves thrashing around with teeth dug into ass. The clouds darted apart letting the connected pack through. A massive object flew in front of them blinding them in its vast mast reflecting bright yellow light from itself underground in the even vaster center of the planet.

    ¡°What the farc is it?¡± cried Mule, slinging his tail sideways.

    He turned around in circles eventually spotting the massive target. A moon flying underground directly towards him. The gravity got weird as he cracked a wolf''s skull using it to bounce forward avoiding a direct impact. It had grabbed onto his tail and ended up ripping it off with it. Another of the beasts bit even harder into Mule¡¯s behind. He thrashed with touchdown imminent.

    ¡°Yow!¡± he cried, and a stream of blood followed.

    At the last second before impacting the lunar surface Mule spun sideways knocking two yelping wolves into each other inside a crater. The pack bounced together before hitting a crater and spinning in different directions. Mule floated backwards before touching down skidding across the sharp dirt of the surface. He slid into clouds of kicked up moondust disappearing inside the field of radiation.

    The yellow surface let off groans from deep below while the shaking intensified, threatening to cause a quake. A collision course approached with the ceiling of the center of the planet sparkling with energy. In the distance the alien antennas connected to the moon''s surface in the far distance began to extend until they were connected to the ceiling. There was a loud humming as bars of color formed a rainbow connection to the sparkling cavern roof rapidly growing close to hitting. Mule covered his face, and turned his hand into a bird''s wing he used to swat away the obstructing dust in the windless sky.

    ¡°Woof!¡±

    A fourth wolf that had remained hidden until now spawning onto Mule¡¯s back. It snapped its jaws shut clamping off the wing that fell to the ground. It gently fell into the low gravity impact while the body it had been attached to bug out jumping around howling. Mule bounced across the moon¡¯s surface dodging the second attempt at a bite from the chasing wolf that remained laser focused on eating him for dinner.

    He also bounced between shapes, but from rabbit to snake he was always missing at least one arm, and a tail. The roof was imminently ready to collide with the surface as he turned into a fly. The wolf snapped its jaws shut on the insect just before being squashed. The surface hummed jolting with transferred energy while something on the moon or maybe the whole thing entirely was refueled with some kind of energy source. The loud humming began to gradually subside until something somewhere dinged.

    The roof of the planet''s core began to slowly shake again. The moon also moved as it slowly retracted from the impact zone. Small rocks and other debris shook loose from both sides pulling apart and were left floating in no man''s land. The dead wolf was among these things floating with its tung hung out with its crushed body leaving a newly minted crater implanted in the surface below. A fly flew out of the other end of the beast before turning into a one winged hummingbird that shifted again, and again.

    A gray three legged rat with no tail blended into the environment nimbly darted between moonrocks. It was working towards the glowing antennas in the distance. In swift form Mule jumped over a small gaped crevice that fell miles below the surface. The antennas sparkled towering over his small little rat body above him. There were steep dirt piles preventing a climb, but a rune filled surface started at his level. The lights engraved in the crystal rockwall were a rainbow of the twelve colors. The white engraving on the very bottom had formed cracks leaking air.

    This entrance was just big enough for Mule to squeak into. He wiggled out of the first crack into another before he had to transform into a smaller mouse to proceed down a tunnel. Eventually he saw light on the other end and emerged from a small hole in the wall. He then crawled into a small ritual room with three glass cube prisons made of crystals. Two of the prison chambers were much smaller and contained a cat stuffed into each. The third in the center was like a fishbowl full of some kind of medical fluids. Inside it had a man''s head strapped with a mask while in a coma he floated. He wore a breathing mask connected to the tubes leading to the cats. A feeding tube was not needed because he was just a head. One of the cats farted and a digital meter displayed underneath the man inched forward. There was about a third left to go before it became full.

    ¡°Smack!¡±.

    Mule jumped back in surprise as one of the cats had launched itself against the glass that separated them.

    ¡°Ding!¡±

    A green light on the cats'' prison pens lit glowing them and their litter. A hatch had opened letting out an able bodied mouse into each box.

    ¡°I¡¯ll take that,¡± squeaked Mule, transforming his remaining arm into scales he became a tailless snake yet again.

    The vent hissed while he slithered inside before metal banged. As one of the cats jumped onto the mouse it later bit into nothing but air. Mule ate well inside the gears of the machine he hid. He went to slither out but was too fat.

    ¡°Oh right,¡± he squeaked, changing back into a mouse.

    The one in his stomach was absorbed into parts rebuilding his tail. Now he just needed to do the arm but the other cat had already gobbled up hers. The chart underneath the science experiment inched closer to done.

    ¡°I¡¯m already well past nine lives, but that man¡¯s well past the afterlife somebody ought to put him out of his misery,¡± said Mule, composing himself into a one armed man with a top hat and suit. He bowed winking playfully at the cat still trying to eat him. ¡°Hey you there mr. whiskers and your friend look particularly hungry tonight I will be back with a snack promise,¡±.

    He walked towards the other side of the small room. A cane began to form from dark matter dripping slime. The dripping top-hat slowly composed of the same insidious fibers. A loud beeping alarm had the shadow man stop in his tracks, and turn 180 degrees. The fishbowl containing the head bubbled while it was slowly pulled underneath the rocks. Its eyes had opened under a bald head full of crystal cysts while the waters around its nostrils raged.

    ¡°Toxic plasma transfer almost complete subject will soon be fully under control,¡± a robotic voice played over the speakers, but appeared to originate from what little remained of Edwards head submerged under medical waters. It mouthed the words underneath the mask as it was sucked into a chute towards its body to be reattached.

    ¡°Oh Elementals well let¡¯s see what''s behind door number 2,¡± said Mule, tapping on runes lit into the wall.

    The room began to loudly rumble and shake as ? of the rock walls around him was pulling into the ceiling. The next room, a bar, is the only thing lighted by lamps hanging upside down from the darkness. It was composed of crystal glowing in the center. Around it was nothing, but the sound of water dripping like it was lightly raining. The tale has been illicitly lifted; should you spot it on Amazon, report the violation.

    Mule walked to the center of the room while being gently moistened. A control panel behind the bar lit up with runes. He pressed several buttons until something projected a light into the darkness. It was diagram after diagram of animals including the subject in the other room who had become top priority due to his resistances to their rocks.

    ¡°Ahh a plan of yours to build a monster mix of man and the elements that you control brainwashed with cat toxins,¡± said Mule tapping buttons, revealing that another body was in production in another area of the facility to be attached to the severed head he had already become acquainted with.

    ¡°BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ,¡± hummed the control panel begging to smoke.

    Mule was shocked away from touching it further. The projector went into overdrive pushing away the darkness. There were diagrams of how the test subject known as Edward¡¯s new body would be able to progress various skill paths to level up until it eventually will conquer the planet''s surface alone with crazy strong magic powers from the crystal batteries built into his elemental suit.

    The flood lights sparked on to the far reaches of the corners revealing row after row of quietly standing elements towering well above 30 feet tall in the cavern. They began glowing red and snapping into movement with sharp animated movements. There was an ear splitting buzzing. The laser scanners scorched sections directly in front of the slowly advancing giants.

    ¡°Well well it''s time for some martial arts action, and me to break this whole moon operation apart¡± said Mule, readying his magical cane.

    It reformed a mirror in his hand he used to cast back the laser backwards busting apart the one who had cast it. The cane reformed in his hand, smoking hot and overcharged for now.

    ¡°There¡¯s plenty more of that waiting for you, I¡¯ll blow this entire place up,¡± Mule taunted.

    The creatures advanced without showing any sign of being able to understand him. Mule retreated but the door he had used to enter had closed and locked.

    ****************************

    Meanwhile outside the core shadows danced between the flickering lights cast through the valley from far away flames. Jed found himself running towards the source of light polluting the forest. The sound of crackling wood burning intensified with the glare and lens flare. It was a particularly winter night on the planet Tenare. While it would be awesome to have a wagon to pull the injured party member Bessie. It was something he figured was becoming highly unlikely of stumbling onto Mule.

    A wolf howled a series of painful blues in the distance. Bessie rested in a small dug out near a fire with the night and storm too fierce to continue. A fool of him being out on this excursion. He raised her hatchet that he had borrowed, lost, and now retrieved. The crystal blade she had asked him to retrieve was studied like a textbook. The truth was He had gone mad in love with her, and would kill anything on the path back to the farm. This would greatly increase his chances of wedding her. The jungle juice could still be delivered somehow¡­ If he could just deliver that on time somehow it would enable him to purchase her a fancy crystal ring.

    Jed stopped in his tracks while thick black smoke barreled his way after being filtered through the forest further on ahead down the valley. At the last second the wind averted the smoke in another direction. No longer his slow plan of working way up from stable hand to hand in farm ownership. If he played his cards right he could do it overnight. There were various scenarios played in slightly different life movie fantasies religiously replayed rent free in his mind. He had hatched up a plan long ago in romancing her just like they would hatch chickens, and eventually children. He was jumping the gun because she remained stranded and injured resting before they would have to run again soon.

    Suddenly something cut his heart strings, and his gut told him to give this entire situation a look over from a different perspective. After searching all around he found a thick tree and stored his belongings underneath. He began to climb the branches with the goal to reach the top. While reaching for the next ring of branches piles of snow smacked him. It splattered into wet white whip cream on his steaming red face threatening to knock him out. He persisted to climb even with flaming arms. There was a strong anxiety building in him that the fire further on would spread too fast and trap him up here but he persisted.

    Jed swung between branches with renewed confidence like a monkey. He would finish this mission as fast as possible in order to guard his princess he would save just like the old fables. However first thing first he had to double check on what had become of her chariot. Jed, who had never been officially knighted but considered himself a self-diagnosed member of the highest order riding in shining white armor, and his steed a wildcard of legendary strength. Mule was of a different species than him and Bessie being basically unkillable.

    He climbed onto the peak of the tree and remained still. The sharp winter winds threatened to throw him off while swinging back and forth. The tree sprung backwards, slowing some; he saw the wreckage far below across the valley. The chuckwagon had for certain crash landed under a cliff. It was near the same road they had just run from the wolves.

    He launched forward again, but this time a wave of hot air full of embers and smoke greeted him. The scene of the crash had already long been burnt away in the insane heat. Now was nothing but an outline of ashes chunks burning brightest in the aftermath their gunpowder popped with bullets firing haphazardly. It was time to leave.

    Jed¡¯s feet and landed on the ground. The area was covered with spruce trees that had shed their winter coats and stood rooted in ever deepening puddles.

    ¡°Hey MULE.. buddy if you hear me I''ve got to go.. Bessie is injured. I''ve got to get her home now, back to the farm.. Anyway I¡¯m sure you will survive you tricky old bastard, I''m out,¡± he yelled, jumping over a stream running high, to run through branches that had long been melted into sludgy mud.

    He jumped a log and ran along a deer trail before he entered a clearing. He stopped while exploding into a hacking fit of coughing up his guts. The twin moons hung like needles in the sky illuminating two slivers onto the forest. Both cast ugly scenes of barfing, but the blazing going on in the other moon''s light was much worse. It smelled of barbecue again as smoke was cast in like a spell from the wind.

    Jed was half blinded with eyes fiercely stung and the poison seeped into the treeline behind the stinking of a wet burn. He bent over and continued to gasp for breath putting a cloth over his face. He ran again with eyes darting into a cloud of smoke long after his body. His escape was slowed due to vision being fully knocked out with a fierce stinging sensation. ¡°Cough cough cough,¡± he hacked, while his thick noggin smacked aside branches.

    ¡°Good thing for this.. Shit where I put it¡­¡± he continued to curse, while blindly rooting around in his backpack.

    It was too bad he had disposed of the heavy soldier in the previous episode with a boulder to the head or he would have used that dude''s fancy helmet. Instead Jed was stuck with a flimsy mask from the looted medical sack. He slapped it on, then covered it with the ripped clothes and continued forward into the dark forest burning up with a fever behind him.

    ¡°Let''s get going honey there''s a fire burning towards here,¡± he thought he yelled upon jumping into basecamp.

    On further reflection he realized half the words had been a hoarse mumble due to vocal cords damaged by smoke.

    She stuck her head out the cave where she thought to herself for many seconds.

    ¡°And my wagon?¡± she asked, limping forward.

    She used her arms to climb down outside. There they faced each other with tears beginning to brew as the storm ravaged the land. He hugged her tightly as the wind moaned, smiting them with hail, and blowing up powder from the ground.

    ¡°I¡¯m afraid it¡¯s been destroyed, and the Mule has gone M.I.A.¡± hollered Jed, straining his eyes that bulged with styes while his cheeks had somehow managed to turned bright red as genetically modified tomatoes. ¡°We need to get running now,¡± he screamed into her ear, shaking her well in the process. ¡°I¡¯ll carry you if need be, but I ain''t leaving anyone else behind,¡± he finished pulling at her coattails.

    Bessie and Jed began to escape together while a trail of smoke was hot on their heels. They ran along a trail of footprints buried in the white. Bessie grabbed onto the metal roof of a tiny building with rotted sides not big enough to be a doghouse. They ran down a bank almost tripping on a tree spray painted with a large K. Then the branches of furs and thick bushes they pushed past.

    Soon the pair arrived at a frozen pond where along the bank they stood. A beaver had cleaned away the brush leaving an open view of the ice. Across it the fog hung over the treeline winter covered foliage.

    ¡°We''ve got to cross to the other side,¡± said Jed, stepping on the ice.

    ¡°Brrr¡­wait, test it out first, and don¡¯t lose it this time¡± she said, handing him back the crystal cutting hatchet.

    Its blade sparkled in the thin slivers of moonlight while he stepped forward into the open and used it to test the water.

 91: Headless

    Bubbles aggressively bubbled away from the severed head being sucked down an alien lab tube full of lube. Inside this another life support tube shoved down the throat and equipped with an air crystal preventing any further brain damage from occurring due to lack of oxygen.

    Edward could no longer speak, eat, or ever hope to conquer what he was entitled to ever again. His head screamed out setting a VO2 max record among humans if he even still counted. His mind formally racing with racy thoughts on breeding as many as possible became only interested in birds to catch, and catnip, and other cats. Although he still thought of himself above all humans like usual. The mind virus was beginning to take further effect.

    Unfortunately he had far bigger problems to deal with at the moment. What if he had started aging into his uncool years? He thrashed, having an existential crisis.

    ¡°Glug,glug.¡±

    He started sucking and biting on the life support shoved down his throat. Eventually scoring a direct hit on a casket connecting two sections of tube. The hot mixture stored inside ran down the back of his throat just like his glory days. He spit out with enough force to pop apart the hard plastic of the 50% clouded tunnel transporting him over-top the strange lab.

    He fell out and so did the mouthpiece; an annoying appliance set up to take away his autonomy both physically and mentally. Below racks of square beakers containing rainbow colored brews melted failing screws as the beams supporting the tube were ripped from the wall.

    He fell into a very shallow sewer thrashing around like a cod fish pulled into a skiff as the waters rushed rapidly from above. Below a square beaker containing a rainbow colored brew was dinged by failing support as screws supporting the tube were ripped from the wall.

    ¡°Cough,cough, cough,¡± the newly installed electronic voice box spit out the sound of his guts on the floor.

    He started bouncing around the walls and the sound kept on coughing robot style. ¡°You''ve picked the wrong test subject for brainwashing. Blah I AM A royal pain in the ass and the main character here uh bubzzzz huh buz, haha.. buzz,¡± he sputtered, whilst shooting out sparks from what remained of his body like an electric eel.

    He was speaking with a tone he seemed to have inherited from a long time smoking relative. No, it was an electric voice box. Edward stuck out a taunting plaque-covered tongue that sparked either from electricity stored deep in what little remains of his radioactive bones. After finally gently licking himself clean like a feline the voice box that currently smoked from abuse. Regardless he looked like a growth-covered aquatic animal that had been set upon by a propeller.

    There had been far too many parties interested in experimenting with him. His recklessness and lack of fear hadn¡¯t been quite as positive attributes he had once thought. With more paranoia life could have turned out so much easier.

    ¡°Sob. I wanna control the slavery and harem everywhere in the known universe, not the other way around. I need in stockings. Bzzap.. Stocks¡­ stork¡­ stanky panky,¡± screamed Edward, his words increasingly glitching while smoke clouds puffed out of his open mouth that foamed.

    He remained covered in slime that clung on hot and heavy like honey. The rest of him was soaked from ear to ear like a wet noodle in a puddle composed of his own broth. He felt many phantom pains trying to stamp down his no longer existent leg, or play with himself.

    ¡°Grrrrrrrrrrr¡­ I need somebody this is the longest i¡¯ve ever been alone,¡± he hissed as tiny tears fell down his shriveled under eyes. ¡°Where¡¯s Nancy gone? I want to rattle her skinny old bones. I''m desperately down bad.¡±

    Suddenly he began to purr as his imagination went wild.

    ¡°I bet she¡¯s got tuna mmmm.¡±

    Edward rolled himself in front of a particularly reflective object. A giant crystal that crackled with energies buried deep with the many layers. It reflected a horror scene back at man''s continued destruction and evolution into monster form. Edwards'' brain was similarly changing condition, while his skin was both wrinkled and peeled tightly like dried codfish. He had become a living shrunken head with a bald horned scalp sparkled with crystal scales that cracked and split puss. Within the deep crevices exposed cancerous tumors hidden underneath the surface rapidly mutating, wiggling in the mirror''s image with minds much of their own.

    A civil war was going on between different things infecting his brain, somehow freeing himself to be able to retain primary control of the wheel for now. It must have been playing tricks on him because there was no way whiskers had started growing. Edward¡¯s grasp of reality was rapidly shifting.

    ¡°Meow.. Oh I¡¯m finished poor me,¡± he wept with tears beginning to puddle with the goop that dripped off.

    The limp life support hung out flying around on a final spurt frizzing misting everything. A panel popped its cover instantaneously frying like a hot egg and other fluids sliming from the wall. There was a glowing light far above him in the entire room. The hue and vibe of ancient poetry told in runes scribbled on surfaces everywhere. Another strange machine made sounds similar to xylophones.

    It was going to be a challenge to reach a higher area with nothing but brains. The room was filled with weird jagged edges of little corners and mysterious holes in the walls that pulsed on and off. He rotated his head around the room intently searching for anything else, but there was nowhere to climb. He would have to use sheer willpower.

    The brightest glowing place on would have to be his salvation, or bust. Thankfully the floor being very uneven he easily rolled over on his noggin and then used his extended rockstar tongue hardened on lot lizards to paddle the remaining pond. It launched out like a cobra strike and suction cupped onto a tarp tape reel on what was a cliff to just a little head. Edward slurped and slurred, while hauling himself up by his tung blackened and cracked with cancer from overdose of the radioactive rocks that changed color the more he exposed himself. The glass panel of the tape deck he had hooked himself to banged falling halfway down like a baby changing station. Edward bobbled, remaining stuck in he bounced smacking between the wet floor and a hard place.

    ¡°I fuckin ldbzzzx zzzz zapppp brrrrap want my old body back brrrrrrr or to die quickly someone please quickly turn me off for once,¡± he sobbed, his tears washed away with each dunk in the rising waters.

    His eternal energy was hopeless until he felt a rising force. It was a hiccup produced enough electricity to make out the water with gas propulsion. He shuddered off the switch of gigawatts and it was dark again. He pulled himself up close to the door, dripping but away from the water for now. The lights sparked and went out leaving him in the darkness.

    ¡°I guess I might as well drown myself,¡± he said, flicking his tongue, and burped for the final breath of propulsion into breaking the suction.

    ¡°Hiccup,¡± he sputtered.

    ¡°Brzzt,¡± he said, bursting into the sockets midair.

    ¡°Splash¡±,

    Whatever alien water it was seemed to amplify his powers.

    ¡°ZAAaaaap!¡±

    He smoked like a spent flare floating on the dirty surface. The electric surge had coated the walls in a substance resembling his cancer. He floated upside down raging at the mouse that rode a keyboard full of powered RGB glowing runes like a raft. He whacked the upside of his noggin on something and raised his head facing a floating magic carpet.

    ¡°Haha,¡± he triumphantly chuckled before taking a bite. ¡°Blah¡± he spit it out in disgust, sending it sailing away while he was pushed in the opposite direction.

    On his additional scrutiny it had proved to be a very ordinary carpet that tasted of rival animals. He hissed on being unable to mark his territory with no lower extremities except tendrils trailing him. With his tongue randomly rolled out to puff himself up he had got it caught into something like a street cat caught in a dumpster.

    ¡°Ooof.¡±

    He became face to face with a metal grate that dug into his flesh forming squares in his head. The liquid pushed behind trying to force a round object through little openings in the bottom. A lab sink built for giant aliens. The material was made of some kind of slippery porcelain at a slight incline leading to the drain. He spit out in disgust after getting out some of what had just been shoved down his throat. This was some kind of other fluid that was much thicker like maple syrup, but tastes acidic. He needed to look at cat pictures to decompress.The tale has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation.

    He reckoned by the time the room was fully filled with liquid there would be enough pressure to turn him into sausage. It was a shame nobody would probably ever get to enjoy his body spiked with the many proteins of consuming hundreds of others essence. He knew he was the king of all consumers, art, and for a brief period the fashion of not giving a farc, but still not everything living or dead on the planet knew the facts of his extraordinary excellence. He would be too insecure until he proved it. For now he was an embarrassing loser but also far too fabulously powerful to succumb to the awful fate of dying in this state. What legacy would he leave at his current wake.

    ¡°Blah¡± he spit again, not accepting it.

    ¡°My goals aren''t even a fraction complete hiccup, bzzap, How can I rest before everyone knows my name forever, and ever, and without completing my first solo album that will no doubt go platinum, and my harem never really got explicitly going while I was hottest at 21,¡± he blurted while bolts of electric energy flew out of his mouth, ears, whiskers and snout.

    The water sucked in a steady stream down the vent that made creepy echoing sounds deep below. He was being crushed by a vent cover that took the brunt of the charges. It sparked forming small cracks while his mouth began foaming. Then he wept some more, and his acid laced tears burned little holes into the metal grate while his face was smashed right in.

    The room must have been completely filled by now. His story was almost over, but first he thought he spotted a tuna swimming away from him in the distance that he wished he could catch.

    ¡°Blublbublbub,¡± Edward¡¯s dying head breathed its last breaths while he began to feverishly drool.

    ¡°Clunk,¡±.

    He was submerged into complete darkness. The current pulled while his tongue had been freed but it was sucked forward with full force down the duct, so not really. His head rolled with the waves forcing themselves somewhere he could not compute. It didn¡¯t matter he was hallucinating in a completely different world. While outside his skull rattled around the ducts bouncing around like a ball stuck inside a pinball machine.

    Inside his thoughts consciousness he had become a soft spoken, and broken drone living in an office environment long past real middle age.There was a soft rap on the outside wooden door frame causing the back of his neck hairs to stand on end.

    ¡°Whoa I¡¯ve got my back body again..my hands are wrinkly and hurt damn my back is bad,¡± he said inspecting himself.

    The hulking square desk he had been deposited behind with the first drawer full of envelopes. There was alien material inside made of green bills all marked 100s and rubber banded for good measure. The next compartment was twice as large and locked.

    ¡°Hey can I come in,¡± a sultry voice called from outside.

    ¡°Oh well of course shoot, zap,¡± he said, slamming shut the desk that was seemingly his but he had amnesia too bad to remember anything. ¡°Ughgh,¡± he groaned, clutching his head, and pushing in strongly to apply pressure in certain areas to relieve the migraine.

    She strutted in. A red head wearing all red except for the black stockings connected to high heels, and straps including what was visible of her no doubt double D or bigger bra.

    ¡°AWOOOGAAA!¡± he stuttered, short-circuiting all over again.

    ¡°It¡¯s ok sir, I know about your throat, and voicebox. My father had the same procedure, so it doesn¡¯t bother me a bit,¡± she briefly paused to find something in her purse. ¡°You are more brave than you realize. Actually, I got you a box of chocolates since you are back from the hospital boss,¡± she said, nervously handing him a heart shaped package.

    ¡°Why thank you kitten oh how I wish I was still in my prime like you are, brrrzap,¡± he said, putting one hand on the desk to steady himself, then grabbing hold of his pen, clicking it, retracting in and out.

    ¡°You know back in college I was top of parties, and my band was top of the live game destined for top of the charts. We had songs in the sports games too before everyone else got old gray and gave up the gig right before we could really make it,¡± he waved his arms like a wild man.

    ¡°Rock and roll hehehe,¡± she giggled, her boobs jiggling right into his face.

    ¡°I must be dreaming,¡± he moaned, before she pressed him into silence.

    Edwards'' head began to smoke while he drooled all over a lit cigarette that had magically placed itself in his fingers. She coughed and looked uneasily at his well yellowing tarred fingertips backing away. Somehow when he looked back down it appeared he had paws.

    Edward licked his lips and then bent in to lick hers, before invading her mouth. She initially obliged with the smooching, but his geek stink breath was a huge turnoff. Meanwhile he could not stop having intrusive thoughts about extending his claws and playing with his food.

    ¡°Damn I want to eat you right now hooga buzza if only you had a tail, pointy ears, and lots more hair,¡± he said, taking her hands in dance while spinning her like a top. Then he rolled her back to him like a tape measure revealing the full extent of fishnet stockings.

    ¡°Meow, let''s dance and play Layla,¡± she said.

    ¡°Playing that song,¡± said the AI assistant bursting into noise from speakers hidden in all four walls and the ceiling at max volume.

    The couple awkwardly danced around the noise while knocking over a wastebasket. His eyes wandered to his desk where he spotted a picture of himself sun-burnt and perched on a fishing boat next to a caught tuna fish. His bright red face popped with renewed spark.while she stretched herself and him to the door she locked. He took a puff and blew smoke satisfied before scaring her away with a fit of deathly coughing. They broke apart.

    ¡°Ew man I can¡¯t do this. Put that out can¡¯t you see it¡¯s killing you,¡± she said.

    She went to his desk and bent over it lifting up her skirt to show him yet another red piece of clothing. This one was soaking wet just like the love handles under his leather jacket.

    ¡°¡°What did you just say?¡± said Edward, stunned. I think we need to lower the temperature some,¡± he said, turning like a blind man for the thermostat.

    ¡°Take off your jacket, and put out your cancer sticks for good. I beg you,¡± she said, turning to sit on the desk.

    She crossed her legs with an ashtray in her lap and patted. ¡°Give me the entire pack, be a good boy,¡± she said like a stern teacher.

    He slunk over in a dumb stupor to spread ashes from his butt as the wind whistled in from an open window somewhere. His bald scalp caught fire as if it had been seasoned with accelerant, but only she noticed as he approached.

    ¡°Hey, not like that,¡± she said, her face taking on a different color. ¡°Ahh you''re on fire,¡± she yelled, struggling with the door she had previously locked, her fresh flesh clapping together. ¡°Get the cops and the fire department!¡±

    The fire continued burning but Edwards hornness levels were so overwhelming the view of her juicy ass covered up the pain. He began coughing while patting down his pants and leather jacket desperately looking for the things he was addicted to to stop his mind from crying out in mental anguish of being dry for ten minutes.

    ¡°If only I didn¡¯t have that awful stigma around my neck I would be a perfect modern guy swimming in cats.. pussy.. cough chicks,¡± He signed, leaning back and staring at the humming lights in the cheap tile ceiling.

    While he was thinking of all the smutty stuff society was forcing him to sustain from yet still mentally punishing him his hands had seemingly kept little minds of their own as well as muscle memory. One fished out his pack of cigarettes and a light, and the other fished out a ring of keys that jangled from nowhere. While his head continued to crackle with heat he puffed in the first hit that might have been laced with unlit butane.

    He let out smoke as his mind''s eye flashed to the idea of catnip. What must have been a fast acting coworker''s suit legs and polished leather shoes appeared with the bottom of a red container. He fidgeted with a hose and before Edward could protest he was shooting out the substance. Two more sets of legs entered the picture and the pressure of his chemical bath increased twofold. A white dusting of white foam coated him while more sprayed on at high volume.

    ¡°Fuck how self absorbed do you have to be to not notice you¡¯re on fire,¡± a random voice called.

    ¡°The ambulance is on the way,¡± called another.

    Edward spit out his cleaned cigarette and licked as much of the fire extinguisher foam into his mouth as he could in protest. The chemicals tasted like it. He had just been edged to the max with no payoff. He wanted full penetration right now and was pissed.

    ¡°Challenge completed! You have unlocked a 27% longer length tongue,¡± a robotic voice screamed into his ears.

    He splashed awake from this strange office space to another just as weird. A vent popped open springing his wet severed head back into the present moment in the moonbase. He flew out into a hallway built for giants with sparking cables, wires, and crystal dust from the blown lights. There were explosions, projectiles, lasers, heat, sound based weapons in play.

    ¡°How I got myself into this mess, I''m a genius zaaaaaap,¡± he said, delivering his last words before his noggin was delivered into some kind of foreign tile that cracked.

    Edward¡¯s head rolled across the floor while the action exploded above. The entire time Mule had been locking horns in battle with the Elemental Enemies. He jumped over a red laser then slid under another that cut a hole on the floor. He transformed, growing a rack of twelve points and stabbed the elemental with his antlers in between its cracks. They pierced right into the block made of four rocks locked together with magic gravity that swung themselves into any order until the connection was lost. The element fizzled as it became a pile of three still lit with glowing runes, but useless to move without a connection to each other. More moving at high speed until he severed four more connections.

    ¡°Pew,pew!¡±

    Mule blew a massive hole in the wall. The attacking elements continued flying into a void until it was soon only visible as a speck. Edward pulled himself out of danger as fast as he could while still trying to remain stealthy. The pile of three formerly making up an elemental powered down to become shiny rocks. He launched his extended tongue there and pulled himself quickly between cover.

    ¡°Aha, just the test subject I''ve been looking for,¡± said Mule, spotting the escape, while kicking the ass of another Elemental in donkey form.

    ¡°Let¡¯s talk man to man,¡± he said, while three of his hooves became two legs, and an arm.

    A set of clothing also emerged stretching out of fibers that pooled from the tail. The suit became fully tailored covering the flesh that popped into place with one sleeve a top-hat, and began to materialize underneath an off face that was a poor mask of hiding his nature.

    ¡°I ain¡¯t scared,¡± said Edward.

    ¡°We will find out soon.¡±

 92: Hook up at the End of the Flat Planet

    The battle continued in a series of corridors alternating in colors. The secret moonbase it was taking place on might have been camouflaged on the surface but underneath was much more. A labyrinth filled with uniform tiles that all blended into each other filled with strange machinations suddenly coming alive.

    The area had only grown bigger as they had reached further underground. Mountains of moon dust fell like snow. The ceiling shook that housed hundreds of pipes like the one Edward had just snapped himself out of. He flopped out of the way as more fell bouncing around, then dodged a laser-beam by rolling to cover.

    In the far background the moving rocks below fell over a hundred feet, while the walls were growing in the other direction. The formerly hyper reflective walls had been charred removing previously glowing glyph, gold, and reflective materials. Mule had caused several piles of debris to be nothing but a gravel pit of ashes. He cast some kind of web onto an elemental that grew a quick acting dark moss. The stones struggled to fight back while Mule used his full concentration to wring the power out of them.

    Edward snapped like an alligator exposing an open mouth showcasing a freshly mutated in crystals. His breath smelled of rotten bait and his body rank like he still had a long bottom. Now he was but a mutated skull detached from the neck down due to his mother¡¯s chainsaw. He growled like a hydraulic press about to crush something but glitched. ¡°Bzzzmeowza before your alpha male,¡± he screamed.

    ¡°Haha,¡± laughed an alpaca standing in his place that raised an eyebrow in amusement, and spit. ¡°I can recognize a tool to utilize for my ulterior motives when I see one, and so do these Elementals,¡± a deep voice said.

    There was no echo until an explosion rang Edwards bell again. Whatever being it had had empty eyes, an emotionless voice of nothingness, and a pale expressionless face that never seemed to move its mouth. What previously looked to be brand new threads that materialized out of nothing now seemed fraying with a magical energy felt almost warming. There was a creepy vibe that was incredibly alluring to things that could smell it, and Edward had been drawn into orbit like it was catnip. Wait a second it was really catnip..

    Edward burst into a laughing fit fueled by madness. A messed up head rolling around the destroyed tunnel hissing. His white beard was caused by the excessive frothing around his face that looked like shaving cream. It mixed with his exposed spinal cord until he shook it off, thrashing like a wet dog with a series of spasms while hissing like a feline.

    ¡°¡°Recognize my power level!¡± raged the synthetically babbled the talking head cut off from his organs. ¡°Stay back or get attacked buzzzza!" Edward¡¯s voice box was cut out as shocks of electricity shot out his remaining sockets.

    He winced, smelled like frying takeout, and hurt really bad. Mule was silently approaching inch by inch the entire time. A sweep ahead performed by an edge tipped cane held by the one handed sailor dressed to kill. He was close enough their tendrils could touch whatever little was remaining of a severely broken man. He raised his shadowy cloak enough to reveal more than the dark filler offered by the outfit. Edward was momentarily mesmerized by a tip of the hat, and flash of queer charms. Mule turned, letting the brim of the hat cover everything except the jaw.

    ¡°Your mine now,¡± Mule teased, exposing a smile so bright it acted as a flash bang.

    ¡°FLASH!¡±

    The feral instincts of Edward kicked into gear while he was blind. He struck back in an effort to strike first before being hurt. His [rockstar tongue] with previously unlocked 27% extension shot out on the offensive lashing all around the battlefield. He opened his stunned eyes to see his body part lashing through the mist empty handed. Mule vanished into smoke and instead he had licked onto an Elemental rumbling into the picture.

    ¡°Alghhhh shlichhht.¡±

    He was suddenly being simultaneously electrocuted, roasted, air fried, and dehydrated. As long as he remained connected on the line to the creature it would keep doing damage. A three block triangle floating around and buzzing occasionally while perpetually humming forward. Meanwhile the crystalized tongue felt like it had become a magnet connecting to the three connected stones slowly killing him.

    ¡°Do you feel pain?¡± Whispered Mule¡¯s voice from nowhere.

    ¡°Grrrr no way nothing I can¡¯t handle as a seasoned sadomasochist zap aaaaaaaaaa,¡± huffed Edward, getting shocked and shooting sparks.

    It was getting close to electric chair levels of high voltage. His evil eyes were beginning to gaze into oblivion and his flesh began to smoke. ¡°Show yourself rat AAAAAAAAAAA!¡±

    All around them more and more elemental blocks snapping into place. Some unlocked from the walls leaving square holes in their place while others fell out other dimensions making it six he was connected in one shape. More shuffled into the growing like a game of dominoes.

    The Elementals continued forward at the same slow and steady advancing pace, but rapidly charged up their defensive capabilities to eliminate. There were more of them joining the battle every second in the area forming octagons and other trapezoids. An air pocket formed around the tip of Edwards tongue and followed it down to his base.

    ¡°AAHZaAaAP!¡± He sparkled looking like he was composed of glitter, and even spit out some. ¡°Ughh the sicker I get and the further I slip nzzaza, and The less in focus other things become, the more demons spawns,¡± he screamed robotically.

    His mechanical voice box had become waterlogged during his trips through the flooded vent. It was only made the sound higher pitched.

    ¡°ZAP.¡±

    Edward launched another blind barbed tongue attack in response to the pain. Mule performed perfect timing transforming into a beast and dodged the attack in the process. He shifted into a higher gear to a charging ram that pinned its attacker''s body part to the wall then broke off both horns leaving them pinning the talking head in place. Edward¡¯s connection with the powerful energy of the elements had been finally severed leaving him dazed and soot covered.

    Mule¡¯s hooves again bent into pretzels while the air misted and shrieked with changing molecules. A puff of smoke changed into a woman dressed in a pink floral dress. Edward found immediate gas in the tank thinking he had a much better chance because he¡¯s a misogynist.

    He rolled forward ready for action. Suddenly the painted flowers turned viscous and started flying out. He was smacked in the face enough to have stars circling. Suddenly a boxer with magic gloves morphed into place ready to rumble.

    ¡°Wack, smack, punch!¡±

    Edward was punted into a wall leaving a crater. Mule turned distracting as the Elementals attacked in coordination with each block. The boxing gloves punched holes in them like butter. The individual elements were rapidly disposed of causing chain reactions of chaos. The battle exploded like mortars put in the tube the wrong direction. Reading on Amazon or a pirate site? This novel is from Royal Road. Support the author by reading it there.

    ¡°GRRRRR,¡± said Edward, rolling himself forward quickling gaining momentum.

    ¡°WHAM!¡±

    Mule was caught and knocked over like a bowling pin. The previously disassembled Elementals began re-fuzing their cracks in bodies looking like shattered vases sloppily repaired. They formed four smaller square walls inside the rectangular tunnels and continued closing in. Edward smacked into them like a bowling ball knocking several connections apart with his numbskull. He bounced off one, then gained speed on hitting the opposite wall. By the third hit he wasn¡¯t touching the ground anymore and getting faster and faster.

    ¡°Bang!¡± He blew a gaping hole in the wall.

    ¡°Your head has been further thickened %50. Congratulations on meeting hidden conditions #43!. Protip if you survive eleven explosions to unlock a reduction of %1000 explosion/flame retardant,¡± a robot voice boomed out from somewhere deep inside.

    It echoed bouncing around all the empty area while he flew out of bounds.

    ¡°I¡¯m going to be unkillable haha,¡± laughed Edward rolling on to the other side.

    ¡°Neat,¡± said Mule, climbing to his paws as a boxer breed of dog.¡±woof, woof,¡±.

    The beast charged forward, sliding under a slowly closing door made by fused elementals, and then leaping through the air after Edward.

    ¡°Let¡¯s hook up,¡± interrupted Mule, sending a line of twisted substance spinning toward his target.

    It wrapped his head up like a spider''s victim. Edward tried to fight back, but he was suddenly overwhelmed with non stop orgasms.

    Mule suddenly unhooked Edward''s head and sent it spinning at a group of enemies. He nocked apart blocks that turned into chunks. A tiny Element beeped like an ambulance speeding across the floor lit up in flashing runes until Edward hit into it smacking it away with a home run.

    ¡°Boom!¡±

    The ceiling in front of them collapsed burying blocks and kicking up moon dust.

    Mule cracked two bags of crystal dust together, and then rubbed them as they hummed a spell in ancient tongue. The air in front of him turned into his own world while the two powders mingled into a combination.

    ¡°There''s one down, time to farm some more, want me to hit your g spot again,¡± teased Mule, holding Edwards suspended in the air with an anti-gravity spell.

    ¡°Fuck you buddy,¡± laughed the man receiving oxygen again.

    Wait I can breath Edward realized, floating high within a hazy bubble of a medicinal spell.

    ¡°Actually just do it once more please,¡±

    ¡°Later bitch.¡±

    An explosion rocked the surface as Edward was shot through the roof into the moonlight. A trail of connecting substances of blank mass connected him to his puppet master.

    ¡°I see the human through you.¡± he heard telepathically.

    The surface of the floating moon had become eerily quiet until he heard the pouring water. It sounded as if a thousand rains were happening simultaneously on the rocks of an offshore ledge. The previously tranquil surface of the advancing moon was washed away as the giant natural magic spaceship was put under pressure by the waterfall at the end of the planet.

    Edward was sucked back under the surface as water bouncing from impact miles away began to fall on here as rain.

    ¡°They are flying us from the core through the massive waterfall at the end of the surface, brace yourself,¡± explained Mule via different voices in his head.

    ¡°Get us to safety c¡¯mon fool,¡± screamed Edward, having landed in Mule''s outstretched hand that rested on the other side on the flat top of cane.

    ¡°It¡¯s fascinating that these creatures have remained hidden from me all these years despite my constant searching. . I wonder if they have shown themselves to many, if any, before us, but now they are on the move uncloaked for some inexplicable reason,¡± continued Mule, camouflaging under a pile of blocks formed from toppled Elementals.

    Many more enemies had entered the picture with different new forms had been added to the fray. There was one that rolled in like logs on a river. They flew on some kind of energy that controlled them forward. One log of runes would dip in a section of its invisible flying course and then the next in line would mirror this bizarre behavior. This was interspersed with the booming bass that rattled the floor on the slow approach of the next elemental combination of war.

    ¡°Hey help me escape before we hit space and I¡¯ll help you,¡± Edward pleaded while the walls around him closed to nothing.

    ¡°Hmmmm,¡± mused Mule.

    The humming energy echoing from them and cracked static noises of glitching production. A dark and sinister synth played an industrial blend while steam filled the area. The blocks absorbed more blocks from nearby walls and special runes along the hall with every addition the surge of energy increased as the floor was repaired. It would keep growing until the threat was terminated. Now it was 24 blocks joined together, and another hall was completely walled off. The power levels had become sufficient to start magnetizing in new blocks from an increasing distance to grow increasingly quickly. They were trapped.

    ¡°A tank is headed our way,¡± said Mule.

    ¡°Well i might be hard as farc but my head ain¡¯t thick enough for this fuck off,¡± yelled Edward as he rolling away.

    He groaned in frustration and immediately reversed course coming in contact with a log that hit him back into place like a pool cue. In the distance a tank composed of what looked like thousand sheets of elementals stacked on top of each other like little plastic pieces. It crawled forward hovering as close to the ground as possible. A massive totem on the back charged momenta until pounding down producing a miniature quake in its wake. Another tank followed this from somewhere doubling the shaking ground.

    Mule flew through a gap as a hummingbird. Edward tried to follow but was caught out in the cold, stuck in a spot not any bigger than a coffin and sprayed with any icy mist by an Elemental. Mule stared Edward in the eyes while his mouth was frozen shut from a distance.

    ¡°You are a man. You must recognize I am more than a man. better than,¡± Mule communicates telepathically.

    ¡°poof!¡± vanished.

    ¡°Coward. I¡¯ll eat my way out of here and then you ass!¡± Screamed Edward.

    The rocks kept closing around while he kept biting. Little pieces chipped away in both directions until his teeth were rapidly filled down to nothing, and the hole he had eaten was quickly plugged by more flying logs. The final scream was muffled as they locked together into a tight prison system.

    ¡±Smash!¡±

    Mule had shifted into a giant octopus flopping around and flinging blocks into each other with enough force to shatter them like glass. The area around Edward had been cleaned away.

    ¡°Now you are free to speak, but best do it quick before the flood hits,¡± he finished.

    ¡°Parasite,¡± ragged Edward internally.

    He was still trying to fight a rock by biting it, but ended up sucking the tentacle. The ground pulled apart in sections of increasingly growing rifts. The water poured away taking anything caught in the sinks. A massive chunk was pulled away taking the tank that had caused it and many nearby blocks falling into the lunar sea. The sound of the waterfall was immense, packing enough decimals to deafen anything with normal ears, and flatten anything not rock it immediately hit on impact. If gravity would have slowed the stream or had any effect it didn''t show falling off Tenare into space.

    ¡°Splash¡±.

    A wave of water rushed into the trench, down a matching turquoise tunnel, and then charged around a corner. The levees broke until there was the loud roar of 1000 times the force. There was a mounting pressure while everything was pushed down the corridors as they rapidly flooded.

    The octopus with 7 arms flew through the hole it had smashed in the wall. Into the void inside the moving moon carrying the moaning Edward. The water followed raging into the entry before spilling away into darkness. Mule grabbed the cut off head by his suction cups as the bubbles blew from his beak. Air bubbles also escaped Edwards mouth as he drowned trying to get in a bite.

    ¡°Hehehe I¡¯ve got you man don¡¯t worry huhuhuhu,¡± laughed Mule, inspecting his prize.

    The rest of the tentacles wrangled deeper into the cave with his four legs for movement, two appendages spread air crystal dust over the head tightly held. Edward was put into a coma with mind melting orgasms that wouldn¡¯t stop going.

 93: Marquee Moon

    In the expanse of nothing tangible an electric voice modulator sparked to life again. The shrunken head held by a 7 armed octopus swimming through a void. They had been engaged in alien intercourse and neither had any stats in shame. It had been a real cool time, but Edward hated being controlled.

    ¡°Are we there yet?¡± he asked, coming out of a coma caused by injected ecstasy.

    ¡°Waaah waaah shhh big baby enjoy your aftercare,¡± Mule mocked, rocking him in the fetal position between two tentacles; silencing him with a third.

    The grumpy reincarnated cut off head was cradled in an air bubble. The colors pulsed while rings formed into a techno tunnel around them. Mule injected Edward with his addictive juice after penetration and was confident the new catch couldn''t escape. They had entered this gray zone from below the surface of a moon. In order to escape the Elementals they found themselves somewhere more terrifying because you couldn''t reach out and touch anything tangible.

    While they drifted through the nothingness. The sound was absent and so was the air. It was like they were in outer space. Mule blew bubbles from his beak that fed air to Edward while he swam as fast as he could using five arms. Behind the pair water splashed into the area forming a waterfall falling away to nowhere. The hole they had entered was a distant speck in the rearview before disappearing.

    Edward was beyond confused. How his captor must have been some kind of ultra concentrated magic somehow managing to not explode from overload. Who knew how the being thought, but he doubted he was its first priority. Nope he was most likely seen as an insect to play with. It was smart too so he was going to have to pick the perfect time to break free. If only he could become an independently flying head and figure out a way out of this relationship. He had to ultimately find a way to escape this space, but it felt so good. Might as well maximize dopamine because you only live once.

    Edward knew that whatever the latest experiments done to him by the mysterious Elementals had granted many hidden ways to level up into an indestructible monster. So far he only had knowledge of two paths:

    <ol>

    <li>surviving 10 explosions would make him bombproof.</li>

    <li>he continued using his tongue and it would increase in length.</li>

    </ol>

    So if he could somehow manage to escape these slimy tentacles carrying him he could figure it out and become more powerful than he ever had been. Maybe some of the other paths he had not yet discovered would grant him arms, legs, a bigger dick, or even fire breathing. For now he had to rely on being carried, flying, rolling, or using his mouth on the long journey to search and destroy.This story has been taken without authorization. Report any sightings.

    ¡°I¡¯m hungry for more of your juice, let me suck,¡± Edward said, hungrily licking his lips and smiling like razor sharp shark teeth.

    ¡°Shh '''' said Mule, placing a silencing suction cup over the snotty mouth who tried to bite but only hurt himself in the process. ¡°You don¡¯t even know where we''re going human, it''s time you learn some patience, because not everything is now, now, now.¡±

    Edward tried desperately to talk back, but only growled muffled. Mule chuckled until the tip of a moist [Rockstar Tongue] tickled his suction cup and he let go. The bite was delivered immediately with no mercy.

    ¡°Yoooow!¡± screamed the creature throwing the head in the air while the end of one of its arms fell away severed.

    The blood floated in no gravity with pools of red spreading thin before disappearing. Edward had long ago spotted the Elementals pursuing their route. The logs flew in close, zipping by and overtaking them speeding off further into the void with too much speed to stop. Mule dodged them with split second reactions like a smooth criminal. It was as if there was a third eye or even more. He grabbed onto Edward again cuffing him with dark matter flowing into his ears and mouth for good measure.

    ¡°Behave or else,¡± Mule telepathically showed him how he would be subjected to 100 years of solitary confinement the partner could be subjected to on a whim.

    ¡°If I still had balls I''d say you have me truly gripped grrrr,¡± Edward, communicated back through their connection.

    While the pair had been fighting a dozen blocks had connected into a machine. A floating satellite complete with extended antenna already beginning to charge. Edward¡¯s panicking eyes reflected the bolts of energy humming off the growing device. Mule angled the head back like a pitcher and threw a fastball straight for the target.

    ¡°AAAAAAA screw you!¡± screamed Edward, traveling forwards with too much momentum to stop.

    ¡°Ok screwball.¡±

    The satellite was set for a crash course in milliseconds. At the last second a force field popped before he hit and deflected him right back to Mule who caught him. The satellite sparked and hummed shooting flares into space.

    ¡°We need to run,¡± said Mule, changing shape just as a beam that melted matter shot right through where his massive form had just been.

    He became a shark while hauling Edward behind like he was on jet skis. They accelerated rapidly forward while the satellite recharged for another hit. They jumped over it speeding through the digital tunnel. The sensation of travel on this insane current was too much to handle. Edward was knocked out at the speed of light while the surroundings became plaid.

    A twinkling delight in Mule¡¯s eye¡¯s matching the surrounding stars. The new couple vibrated through space and time engulfed in the rainbow spiral that traveled outside the transparent moon slowly orbiting Tenare into a highway out of the galaxy. Mule in the shape of a turtle protecting Edward from the cosmic horrors in the safety of his shell. The next step of the journey would be a lot less boring with a boyfriend.

 94: Thaw

    Jed¡¯s body burned while his mind wandered on autopilot to more memories he never sorted between good and bad. Perhaps the mixture of both is what called him to recall times gone past. He had been a soldier, but never a knight. It had always been his goal as a kid to wear the suit of shining armor, but here he had ended up an outlaw.

    In his dreams he returned to youth. He was not even a pawn yet fresh out of the first phase of training with his bonus burning a hot wad in his pocket. The naive recruit set out to spend it on anything but lottery, or drink. Instead he went inside a little shop next to a tattoo parlor and billiards off base.

    Outside ¡°Predatory Pawn!¡± establishment wafted the commingling scents of strip joints and pizza parlors. Jed has many purchased objects in a paper bag. Who knows if there would be candy where he was going so he had bought a surplus. A laser stone lighter was a special mixture making a fire starting laser, purchased from a very expensive canteen and engraved with a four leaf. It lit under his helmet a light engraving of a rose to manifest love and finally a lunchbox that was plain blue hue he also marked up with the laser beam. He was somehow 16 again, and getting tattoos with his squad-mates. The items fell as the needle inked his skin.

    The forest burned into the night behind the pair struggling to keep going. Bessie limped behind, struggling to get through the thick snow to sit on a log. Jed had taken a break from carrying her weight to drink from his canteen. A crude metal leaking cold water that tasted metallic sweet. His teeth chattered while escaping drops froze midair before his white beard. He chugged the winds whistled through the wasteland hardly illuminated by his flickering lantern.

    ¡°Dang,¡± he said, reemerging into the present, the cold eating away at his soul.

    He raised a glove melded to his sleeve to shake the snow off the dropped weapon.

    ¡°You know you can leave me behind anytime, I can take care of myself,¡± Bessie said, adjusting her identical model lever action rifle.

    She had finally caught up to where he had stopped and braced against a fur tree for support.

    ¡°We¡¯ve talked about this. I don¡¯t leave friends behind,¡± said Jed, unsuccessfully trying to cover his ears with a snow crusted cowboy hat. ¡°Finding good people is a rare thing indeed and with my steed gone I can¡¯t leave you to die out here in good conscience."

    She shivered involuntarily a split second before covering it up with a brave face. She had seen the real him, but didn¡¯t seem to mind steadying the rifle on the other hand that threatened to throw off her balance. Then she leaned on him for support long enough to transfer the warmth of her earmuff to his ears that had turned blue.

    ¡°Thank you."

    ¡°Can you carry yourself a little longer before needing to lean on me again to continue?¡± he shouted.

    She let go of her support structure and grimaced.

    ¡°Yes, let''s go¡±.

    The pair continued on into the frozen forest with wind pushing against their backs the smell of wet wood smoldering dissipated. There were no howls of the wolves that had previously harassed them. Nothing but the branches they broke. The light had drastically increased with a full moon taking up half the sky. The danger facing them ahead is nothing but the cold hard elements. Jed charged forward through the drifts first clearing a path. His legs broke the ground ahead while she followed. There was a lack of moonlight tonight with a windchill enough to kill. The stars twinkled in the dark night. It was like the moons had been removed from their usual position. Everything in the dark tundra looked similar. The only thing keeping their progress the deep tracks left behind in the snow.

    "On the bright side at least the moon will guide us tonight," said Bessie.

    "Yeah we will make it," said Jed.

    Her clothes were covered in a messy mix of sweat and half melted mix of snow that clung like glue to her attire. Jed was in similar condition and struggling due to his injuries adding up from an extended campaign of battles making him a veteran, but his leg hadn¡¯t been bloodied like hers. To himself he thought it a good thing to have an extended recovery from the alien presence of his former Mule. He didn¡¯t know if he could trust the creature, but before it was to rely on him or die. Now Jed intended to make Bessie his partner if the opportunity arose and perhaps more. For that reason he was acting like a good man while he might not be. He shook snowflakes from his cowboy hat. It was actions not intrusive thoughts that actually mattered in reality to everyone else but himself. The deadline to deliver her home and then get the jungle juice to the finish line was long past. That had to be an unfortunate fact. He slapped his beard clean of caking, and himself back to reality.

    ¡°You don¡¯t happen to know these hills?¡± Inquired Jed, pointing down the slopes lined with brush, and beaver clippings.

    ¡°Shhh¡± she said, mouthing beside him a sign for silence. ¡°I smell smoke¡± was whispered into Jed¡¯s ear as the scent entered faintly.

    He turned and whispered back. ¡°Sure it¡¯s not just the forest fire from your chuck wagon explosion?"

    She tapped his shoulder and pointed him underneath a brightly shooting star.

    "That star just shot out of that moon," said Jed.

    "What?" Bessie asked, looking deeply concerned. "Hey don¡¯t become hysterical , I see it alright man, but that¡¯s a long way away and won¡¯t save us from freezing to death,¡± she nudged him in a different direction.

    "BOOM!"

    Bessie pointed with a shaking hand while Jed couldn''t even find the words to respond. Suddenly the sky had turned red as the moon went supernova as flaming hot fireballs shot across the horizon. A massive explosion orbiting them rumbled them with objects sent out in fiery streaks resembling shooting stars.

    "Look, Look, am I going mad, I can¡¯t believe my eyes,¡± he yelled.Support the author by searching for the original publication of this novel.

    "Nope I see it and an incoming shower of debris RUN!"

    Far underneath this destruction taking place the two figures ran through thorny snake-berry bushes covering the snowy field. Their icy breaths trailed behind them disappearing in the deep tracks left behind. The wind howled through the sparse trees bending and threatening to snap them like twigs with force of nature. The horizon was on fire as the first chunks of moon burned up on entrance, but heartier chunks were incoming.

    "Yo look, here''s a log cabin way down there at the bottom of the hillside we should head towards," said Bessie, grabbing his hand.

    Jed loudly breathed in and out, catching his breath and releasing his anxieties. Where she pointed he spotted a tiny yellow rectangle of light from a log cabin.

    ¡°You suppose the residents will be friendly folks willing to lodge or enemy¡¯s ready to slit our throats for our meager gear?¡± he asked.

    ¡°How would I know but I need to take my chances here in order to survive,¡± she said, taking the lead forward.

    ¡°I would expect this area to be your area of expertise,¡± he called back.

    ¡°Truth be I don¡¯t know where we are, but you can sleep outdoors if you wish, it''s time to improvise," she said, charging for the sticks.

    Jed followed like a lost puppy dog. As they worked down the slopes the natural elements attacked them. The wind chill was sadistic and working through the several feet deep snow drifts littered the area was a nightmare. A vision of one pushing black smoke into the field below puffed into a smoke signal quickly dispersed just as it registered. Jed felt Mules presence enter his consciousness again and shivered, chilled to the bone. The feeling went away as the shooting star fell away into the mountain range bordering their location.

    ¡°There goes another one,¡± hollered Bessie, aiming her rifle at the horizon. ¡°I wish I had my family''s deer slayer with a wide scope attached to get a better picture."

    ¡°That¡¯s well and good. Adrenaline got you going good so we need to get moving again before."

    ¡°We need to get smart here on getting into the cover of that cabin,¡± she interrupted.

    ¡°We¡¯ll scout it out together, let''s go,¡± said Jed, charging forward in the lead.

    Later they sat resting on their stomachs directly overlooking a small house. There appeared to be one floor, two windows and a steep roof. Out front the guards sat looking dumbstruck at the horizon.

    ¡°I think the apocalypse is upon us,¡± yelled a grunt in winter camouflage.

    ¡°The what?¡± Asked the heavy troop holding a giant minigun.

    ¡°Not another one of those guys,¡± whispered Jed.

    ¡°We can outmaneuver him.. we have to,¡± replies Bessie, with a thumbs up.

    ¡°The end times are here, look!,¡± screamed the winter camouflaged grunt at the top of his lungs.

    ¡°Well yeah I can see that clear as day.. Man I hate being stranded at this outpost till summertime with you fools,¡± replied the heavily armed and armored individual.

    The moon had cracked in half, and the bottom end had fallen out of view. The top portion was coming apart at the seams as flares shot outwards. Bright spears of light shone right through holes from behind. The cracking noises intensified while holes formed in old asteroid holes. The crusty crescent moon resembled a rotten banana husk dying in the sun.

    ¡°We gotta find out how many are inside that house and plan from there,¡± Bessie whispered, starting forward.

    She quivered as a cold hand grabbed her from behind. Jed¡¯s stern face met hers and his stare in the moonlight was intense enough to scare her still. He pointed towards a separate woodshed where a flag was flying limply on the roof. It said ¡°K for Killin Hood¡±.

    ¡°Bad guys,¡±.. He angled her head back towards the main house where smoke was coming from a chimney. ¡°Those windows are boarded while light might escape out the corners we have to guess how many are indoors,¡±

    A soldier spun around looking confused and peered into the shadows. The pair stuck their heads in the snow and gulped.

    ¡°Did I hear something?¡± the guard yelled.

    The angry burning up sky responded with what sounded like a guttural burp deep enough to split atoms apart. The soldiers fell over like greenhorns working a boat in their first offshore storm. Shingles flew from the buildings while a pile of logs rolled out a door ripped open. There were big chunks of space junk raining towards the area.

    ¡°Help me up boys quick we gotta get to the cellar¡± Screeched the heavily armored soldier flailing his arms and legs.

    He was stuck on his back at an awkward position having fallen on his gun. Reinforcements ran from the dwelling to join the circle around the perimeter. Three troops gathered around their fallen comrade and began to pull. Four of them groaned until they were all pulled back to the ground like an anchor collapsing in a heap together.

    ¡°This armor is ridiculous.¡±

    ¡°They don¡¯t call it heavy armor for nothing.. Get a winch or something Boris.¡±

    ¡°Yes Sir.:

    ¡°Now our chance to strike before the storm hits there''s no time for anything smarter,¡± said Bessie, aiming her gun and flicking the safety to the side with the red dot.

    ¡°Hold yours horses just a few more seconds,¡± muttered Jed, holding her back again. ¡°Where¡¯s that cellar entrance that¡¯s where we need to be,¡±.

    ¡°Must be inside that house,¡± she replied.

    ¡°I¡¯ll distract them, and you get indoors, kill anything in your way, and then get into the safety of the basement and wait for me,¡± he finished.

    ¡°Fine, I''ll wait for your first move..hurry,¡± she said.

    ¡°Yup,¡± mumbled Jed, sprinting for the woodshed.

    All six soldiers who were outside now surrounded their fallen compatriot. The heavily armored individual was almost pulled to his feet as Jed climbed. His arms grabbed into open slits in the woodshed while his feet used the flat wall. A snowball smacked right in the face of one pulling soldier. He fell on his ass knocking down the entire pack back into collapse. Jed crouched behind the cover of the roof and set his loaded gun on the apex. He flicked the safety off and aimed right between the eyes.

    ¡°Bang!¡±

    The heavily armored trooper withered screaming in pain. Blood spurted out the hole in his helmet like a geyser of hot water melting through the ice. The rest of the regular soldiers turned and aimed their weapons.

    ¡°Bang, Bang, bang!¡±

    The enemies started shooting while Jed kept shooting and another grunt crumpled to the ground. Return fire whizzed above his head as he returned to cover. He breathed a sigh of relief to still be alive until hot steel penetrated the shingles next to him like nothing.

    Jed jumped from the roof while bullets shredded his former location. The remaining soldiers kept blasting as Bessie ran behind them creeping into the cabin in stealth mode. The place appeared empty as her heart beat rapidly. There was a fire burning in an open stone place, a spartan kitchen table with a cabinet full of canned items,an icebox, and some beds and couches well slept in. The floor was littered with fresh fallen objects and broken glasses. Towards the far end a dark rectangle greeted her behind a half open door slowly creaking open on its hinges, underneath a stuffed boar''s head must have been the basement entrance.

    She turned and saw the troops walking slowly towards the shed. The sky right above was full of flaming objects getting closer and closer. Where was Jed? She turned to shoot him an exit.

    ¡°Boom!¡±

    Something smashed into the roof above sending her falling to the ground. Things fell from the kitchen while her broken leg exploded into pain immobilizing her.

 95: Skyfall

    The fire in the pit crackled and spit sparks while casting evil shadows all around. They danced around the cabin as roofing fell from hits upstairs. The shaking walls were built of uneven material hand milled by an amateur and no match for space junk. The windows shattered into exploding broken glass impacting the floor like shurikens. The first asteroids impacted into the nearby hills, shaking the place like it was a maraca. Snow still fell outdoors as a front door creaked shut. A figure was trapped underneath a partially collapsed ceiling struggling for breath. A faint sound of classical music emitting from somewhere as Bessie started hacking.

    ¡°Chop, chop, chop,¡± went her hatchet cutting into a wooden beam trapping her underneath.

    The first square spruce beam was full of knots and bends that made even the sharpest of blades dull quick.

    ¡°C¡¯mon you bastard,¡± she said, attacking the object like a trapped animal.

    Only a thin thread of wood remained when an eruption of deafening gunshots directly outside. Bessie froze her momentarily in place. She heard the creaking of boards as someone climbed the basement steps. She strained grunting to reach for her gun but it had fallen underneath some ruble and wouldn¡¯t be pulled out at this angle. The hairs on her neck stood up straight as the main entrance to the log cabin creaked open.

    ¡°Heading to safety don¡¯t friendly fire me,¡± announced a whiny voice called from the other side.

    "Ok I''m already in the basement. I hope everyone is alive," a muffled voice called from below the floorboards.

    She was surrounded and stuck between two enemies.

    "Nope."

    ¡°BOOM!¡±

    A soldier tumbled through the door as a meteor blew up the woodshed behind him. There was ugly screams of pain outside as someone was thrown a considerable distance and leaving the smell of burnt hair behind him. The remaining were in full retreat towards the log cabin. They blasted randomly into the dark just in case Jed decided to do anything funny if he even still was alive.

    ¡°Target neutralized we need to get to cover now!" yelled a sprinting soldier.

    "Heading right into your line of fire headquarters over,¡± another cried, jumping over his smoldering comrade.

    ¡°Leave him,¡± another scolded.

    The hesitating teammate caved to his nerves the impacts of the destroyed moon were only getting worse. A nearby growth of trees was blown to smithereens.

    BOOM!

    The section of the log cabin collapsed blocking the main entrance right when the troops had almost entered. One was crushed underneath and started thrashing. Another guy pulled him out, still alive but dazed, and concussed.

    ¡°We gotta use the basement entrance around the back,¡± he yelled, helping the other guy to his feet after dragging him through an area of little weather underneath an eave.

    Meanwhile inside the burning building Bessie struggled to breath and reach her rifle with a soldier on top of her strangling her neck. Her hatchet was out of reach having been thrown with no other option. The weapon lay wedged into the neck of the guy who had tumbled through the front door. He gargled, spitting blood as he convulsed in the corner. His comrade stopped his choking momentarily to see his friend dying. He turned spit in her face, but resisted the urge taunt knowing it was time real serious about ending her existence as quickly as possible. She began to thrash about as his grip intensified.

    ¡°Bye bye grrrrr,¡± hissed the soldier, trembling on account of adrenaline overdrive.

    He slowly squeezed out another human''s life for the first time not having the courage to look at anything but the roof. With her mostly limp he removed one hand off her neck and reached for his pistol to make it quicker and easier. This was rough business, but he had signed up for Killin company. The basement door swung shut as the cabin seemed to roll like it was out at sea. Cans and vegetables rolled from side to side due to the storm. Bessie''s light going out while the fire intensified. She spit right back into the attacker''s face.If you find this story on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the infringement.

    ¡°Bang!¡±

    He blindly shot the wall above her head. She kicked him in the crotch and he shot again.

    ¡°Uggh."

    She grabbed the extended barrel of the big iron revolver, spun it round to her hand and reversed the barrel back on the owner.

    ¡°Bang, Bang!¡±

    The dude fell off her dead leaving a red plaster of brain matter imprinted behind him. Bessie¡¯s other shot had blasted away the remaining pulp wood she hadn¡¯t yet chopped. She threw off two pieces of heavy timber and climbed to her feet. She was freed, but alive at the cost of ears screaming and ringing. She wiped a face that was coated with gunpowder with an early coated arm. Outside the explosions continued now much more muffled on account of the damage. She limped to retrieve her hatchet while her victims gargling reached heart attack levels on approach.

    She entered the basement gripping the railing. The building rattled threatening to collapse whatever hadn''t fallen. One of the steps broke, throwing her down thudding onto the hardened cement.

    The basement was nothing but smelly darkness. Bessie lay gripping her gun while her head spun. She couldn¡¯t hear, or see any enemies in her condition. The pain overwhelmed her senses, but there was a good chance somebody was down here. The time to use her adrenaline reserves was coming to an end. Her recovery was going to be a process she thought while dissociating into a brain fog and drifting off.

    ¡°Thud, thud, thud."

    She winced as something attacked a metal door exit at the fire end. A tiny amount of light entered from a torch on the other side.

    ¡°Let us in before we perish out here what the fuck man,¡± screamed a man beating on the other end like his life depended on it.

    ¡°Let us in at once Bobby before you have to live with killing your friends,¡± cried another.

    Meanwhile Jed crawled through the burnt smoldering crater left from the impact of a chunk of moon rock. Another soldier hadn¡¯t been so fortunate. His charred boots and feet were the only thing that remained in the blast zone. He skirted the heat around the edge and peaked out the other side cradling his rifle. The cabin in front of him was half collapsed next to an untouched guard tower.The woods around them were beginning to thin with the bombardment that hurled millions of pine cones smoldering through the air like bottle rockets.

    ¡°We are so screwed,¡± a voice yelled somewhere nearby.

    The basement door dented as the troops attacked it with a stick. The improvised battering ram splintered apart to nothing.

    ¡°Clear out I gonna cut it,¡± said a soldier priming his crystal cutting sword.

    It started slowly being driven through the metal. He started slowly cutting upwards like a can opener. Another troop touched the weapon''s extended handle providing stability.

    ¡°This is going to take at least 15 minutes, we''re dead,¡± whined an onlooker.

    ¡°Well then go run into the forest and take your chances,¡± said the fourth crouched near the two at work holding a light.

    The dark valley continued boomed with a torrential onslaught. The hairs on the back of Jed¡¯s neck stood straight up as he heard dirt shuffling behind him. He spun around to see two skeleton hands reaching from the soil. The white roof of a skull was slowly exposed. The dug up sand was thrown in his direction as a smile was revealed and the edges field tested Elf plotting armor. Jed sprinted into the open as the reanimated corpse exploding into a cackling fit louder than anything else around.

    "Hehehe it''s raining women," Nancy cackled, exposing herself.

    Jed ran for the cabin with no other choice.

    "Eddy wait I just reincarnated you don''t run away on me again," she blindly grasped at straws.

    Jed watched from behind the corner of the building. He had tried to crawl through a crack but the fire pushed him back. If Bessie was in the basement she was going to have to get out before suffocating. He crept forward around the other side. If she was still alive down there the remaining four soldiers had her trapped. He peeked around to the other side not realizing more bodies were rising just behind him. He had to think of a good plan fast.

    The soldiers slowly cutting the door briefly paused. The sword was removed, then rotated 90 degrees. They struggled as one hammered the end to reenter from a new angle. One of two sides down, now the top of the entrance was being cut. The explosions hitting the forest had reached a deafening encore.

    More and more of the many lights from outside were starting to force into the basement. Bessie coughed as she came to her senses. The smoke wafted down the stairs from above while the hot blade sawed away. She spun her revolver around and tossed it to the side empty. She used the but of her rifle as a stand to lean on climbing back to her feet. The cement hadn¡¯t been smoothed and thus was spiked. She crouched behind an overturned shelving unit covered in dust, and a vintage push reel lawn mower. The gun was propped on a box aiming towards one avenue of danger.

    ¡°Come on down,¡± she taunted, making sure the round was fully chambered.

    ¡°I know he locked the tunnel, a basement above a burning building ain¡¯t no use,¡± moaned the pacing soldier, pushing his long hair back underneath his helmet.

    ¡°Shut up,¡± yelled another.

    They all turned to the sound of something winding up and four jaws dropped. Their heavily armored soldier friend who had been shot in the head was slowly approaching while his gun spun. They looked on in complete confusion until his face came into view. The first soldier ran away followed by a second. One of the guys holding the sword was left behind as the third sprinted away yelling.

    ¡°Bzzzzz¡±

    The guy left out in the open was mowed down by the heavily armored cadaver.

    ¡°Hahaha,¡± it laughed.

    Nancy joined in the cackling in the background. The undead chants intensified as another dead soldier rose from the ashes. Jed ran away from the building in front of the three who took potshots at him. They quickly gave up the idea and decided on concentrating on running in panic after him. One of the three dropped their gun behind. Jed jumped the edge of a massive crater and continue running.

 96: Moonglazer

    The atmosphere directly above Tenare boomed like a subwoofer the size of a skyscraper. A large chunk of formally intact moon fell underneath the red horizon. An Elemental space station in disguise was destroyed.

    A giant space turtle smashed through space rings and dodged explosions gunning into the galaxy. Something tiny was carried on its back that stuck on even through corkscrews, dives, and flips. The rules of nature didn¡¯t seem to apply to a strange creature like this.

    ¡°Pew, Pew, Pew,¡± came the heat vaporizing asteroids into nothing.

    In hot pursuit propelled a satellite composed of various elements. It had been charging a payload. Now it fired the laser in a three round burst again frying the air. The fusion of Elemental all that remained from their destroyed hive camouflaged in the sky. The apocalypse had arrived in style with a light show that resembled many a rave Edward had attended to have sex. His cut off head breathed inside a bubble while his tendrils were tied to his captor.

    ¡°Bzzzap," electric sparks created a miniature storm in Edward''s dome. "DAMN HOW DID YOU DESTROY A MOON?¡± he screamed at the top of what remained of one lung hanging out.

    An electric voice box turned to maximum volume suddenly made him stutter. After corrupting and overloading him into a fit of sparks contained inside his air bubble Mule turned turtle sticking his head out the shell slightly and winked.

    ¡°Bro I can¡¯t hear you scream in space.. HEY try communicating again like this,¡± he telepathically sent to his captive head.

    Edward stopped for a second to think about what could be his next actions. He wanted out of here ASAP. He realized he couldn¡¯t survive in the vacuum of space by himself. He considered stubbornly not taking part in the games as a form of sabotage. That and playing sick he concluded would do him no favors either. Instead he focused on something else.

    The full force of all his mental capacities began reliving a former life spent inflicting death, trauma, and punishment for not paying taxes on others. Nasty gory crap on top of conjured images of transferring his pain to others. Hopefully soon the flat plane of Tenare will be completely destroyed below them for a fresh start where people couldn¡¯t ruin anything ever again.

    Edward still had his beautifully twisted mind. As long as he had that he could imagine a way out. For now he mentally escaped via fantasizing about how eventually he could level up himself into a giant mutant dripping slime, rising out of the polluted sea and ripping apart everything with his crystal cutting teeth. His third arm smacked away a pedestrian on the swing to annihilate everything.The buildings of the capital burned while he burped after dumping a city bus down his gullet. He rampaged across the peninsula consuming an entire college campus¡¯s innocence in the process.

    ¡°Very swell imagination you got there Eddy. Can I call you that? I¡¯m Mule again if you''ve forgotten¡± interjected his captor in monotone.

    Edward''s mind was then taken over with hiss of static until the sound of screeching jazz took control. Next the black and white image of a teleprompter invaded. His mind had shifted from an inner sanctuary into another avenue to be controlled. He reccolled while forced to imagine an office environment with a scrolling project. The fancy lounge outside the open door was empty except for a mopping janitor. The screen showed sappy slide images of a date nights the creature had planned for them together.

    What actions would the thing demand next after that? He was supposed to be the man..The head in the bubble sputtered into rebelion beaming back telepathic warfare going through a montage set to botched yacht rock performances given out of nepotism at age 14. The band persisted despite a few lineup changes. There were enough siblings to survive their initial cringe factor of something old ladies found adorable into angsty violators of public decency. They toughened up and he eventually had them performing disguised undercover in the ruffest biker bars, sunset strips, and ripped leather clubs. The music sampled in past tortures performed on enemies, and the sweet ends of love affairs that he had harvested just before they turned sour.

    ¡°You''re a mean one Mr. Teddy bear. A real slayer of weaklings, and taker of virgins but only able to do it all because you''re such a dullard behind the mask¡±. Scolded captor creature not impressed with what it had learned so far on the psychological adventure.Stolen content warning: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.

    ¡°You will either address me as King or Emperor, or not at all, at the very least as equally sided equals¡± huffed Edward, already mentally exhausted by this new fangled form of communication.

    Perhaps there was a way to level it up.. His opponent was much more advanced in the skill.

    ¡°The planet down there doesn¡¯t have a convenient but extremely fortified self-destruct button to press like the one I just did,¡± calmly refuted Mule, holding his host¡¯s imagination hostage with a presentation of slides even an infant could decipher. .

    ¡°PEW,PEW,PEW!¡±

    A three round burst of laser fired after them. It had been shot out from the fully charged only surviving pursuing Elemental construction. Mule swerved behind cover of a chunk of the now destroyed moon the Elementals had used as HQ. The first two shots flew past while the third tore right through the asteroid to the other side. The turtle trying to hide took a blast to the back of the shell, splintering apart the shell exposing smoking flesh. He had already been missing a tail, and was now in danger of being vaporized with a direct hit.

    ¡°I fought through a million waves of enemies on my way to hitting the self button back there while you were rolling around being useless¡± beamed Mule.

    ¡°Yeah well you try being reduced to a nothing man, a mutant head..¡± stated Edward.

    ¡°You need to stop moping around and concentrate on leveling up after I ditch this space laser¡± responded Mule.

    Edward spat into his bubble turning red; he was so concentrated on mental warfare. He gave everything he had remaining to launch a psychic attack. Using his memories into composing the loudest distorted noise music on the planet.

    Mule frowned at the distortion, pulling his head back into the shell that blocked Edward from further communication. The creature disappeared into thin air as a shot flew where it had just been. Edwad hissed like a cat punished with a squirt of water. He fell until Mule reapered and caught him back in turtle mode.

    ¡°That¡¯s better,¡± said the head to himself.

    But now he had to figure out a way off this ride.

    ¡°Zap!¡±

    The laser beam flew so close it practically fried him without actually making physical contact.

    ¡°Pop!¡±

    The air bubble housing Edward had been broken. He tumbled away drifting into space. He was trying to scream, but his voice no longer worked. Mule continued shooting through the stars while the space laser followed charging up another shot.

    ¡°Survive 8 more explosions for reward,¡± a robotic voice installed onboard Edward announced while the rest of him suffocated.

    As his vision faded he focused his remaining energies on beaming a panicked telepathically transmitted S.O.S back to the turtle. But he was flying a million miles an hour away, already a speck amongst the stars.

    Edward stared down at his impending doom while a massive chunk of moon fell towards the planet below. He was probably finally going to die, but it would be with a big bang like he always wanted. Too bad the entire universe couldn¡¯t be destroyed. Farc it all if he couldn¡¯t fuck it, but now he was dickless. Perhaps there was a leveling quest to regrant that. It was too bad that the paths had no system to easily follow like how he used to work out his muscles in the gym. Instead he was going at it completely blind of the options at hand to maybe regrow his hands.

    The satellite fried nearby atoms as it charged itself for the kill shot on floating head.

    ¡°BOOM!¡±

    An alien hovercraft had been retrieved from another universe and used as a boomerang. The laser blew too close to home destroying the satellite in the process.

    ¡°Ooof!¡± Edward found himself picked up by Mule flying back through on a bombing run. A gentle outstretched tendrils housed the head in a fresh bubble made from saliva straight from the strange creature''s beak.

    He had many strange feelings about this relationship but he had been saved like a damsel in distress. This strange creature''s powers could help him conquer the entire universe and easily power level out of his current cockless predicament. The problem was that he was insecure about being the subservient and less endowed partner. Nope he would gamble on gaining some quick level ups in this setup and then bail when he was in good enough form to ultimately be in control again.

    ¡°We need to get back to solid ground before my magic wears off and my body implodes into space dust but I can¡¯t survive descending through the atmosphere You are going to have to fend for yourself a long while I recover from using up my energy,¡± wheezed the being who had somehow shifted into a one armed astronaut.

    Mule''s front helmet constructed of tinted glass slowly cracked apart while the fabric of his spacesuit frayed. Edward and his bubble were kicked from foot to foot juggled around like a football. Next Mule materialized a motherboard housing a large farc crystal.

    "Oh spaceman I never thought I would be so glad to go on a trip to the brutal core, anything but the slow suffocation of delicate space," telepathically whined Edward

    He flipped a switch and the device sparked to life engulfing them inside a portal, and out of their current environment.

 97: One Million Souls

    Two creatures floated in each other''s appendices, slowly dancing in space.

    ¡°You were just the one I was looking for to bring me back after I power down soon, not a lovesick cowboy, but a pure killing machine soon I recon,¡± Mule sent telepathically.

    The cracks in his astronaut helmet were hundreds about to break into on opening. And ever threatening to give way to the vacuum of space. The open portal sucked the pair into its opening just as the fabric frayed open a hole in the suit.

    ¡°What''s that now explain what you want and what¡¯s in it for me before your time up spaceman,¡± replied Edward.

    ¡°Listen I¡¯m going into sleep mode sooner than I thought..need the power of 1 million dead to revive me back, I will soon be compressed into a size you can carry everywhere, and when you bring me back with the 1 million you were probably slaying anyway I will do anything you desire Okay?,¡± finished the creature, transformed into a squirrel in a spacesuit, and then donkey in saddlebags.

    ¡°And what happens if I leave you behind,¡± sent the bubbled head beginning to drift away.

    ¡°I stay dormant until a million things die nearby however long it takes and my millions of years of experience in picking you as a logical desire of an organic shape shifting super weapon such as myself,¡± cried Mule, kicking his way towards the escaping head.

    ¡°Hmmm.. my very own genie in a bottle, I suppose I should keep you on deck for the future,¡±

    ¡°You suppose?¡± the creature was becoming increasingly agitated.

    ¡°It¡¯s a good goal to work towards being the taker of 1 million souls, a special achievement to work towards in the process of getting your level ups, many of which remain hidden.." explained the creature in a tone that signaled the others lack of intellect.

    "yeah I¡¯ll bring you back and have do something really cool I suppose, Hahah,¡±

    Edward began laughing maniacally, imagining how he could evolve into something the ladies loved again, but more monstrous towards his enemies times one hundred, and then use his new found attack dog to blow up a sun or something.

    The colors of this funky portal travel style swirled like a disco ball. In and out of focus popped flares expiring away but replaced twice as quickly spiraling round them. The speed seemed to increase roaring into unbeknown dimensions. With the flashing lights enough to blind Edward shut his eyes.

    ¡°LOW POWER going into shutdown mode,¡± a female robot voice streamed out of the ether.

    ¡°POP!¡±

    Like a pimple bursting the head was launched from the burst bubble with accumulating foam spaying behind him. The wind whistled out of nowhere as severe turbulence began. Thick storm clouds entered the picture shaking enough to knock frames off walls. As the rain began to fall with them lightning sparked around.

    Falling nearby Mule was wiggling about to shut down. His body turned two-dimensional, and began to crease like paper as the hairs fell away into reality. The origami magic produced a tail compacted, legs folded, and head shut in prison. It all bent in again, and again until a little cube of strange compacted material. A cube remained in his place that plummeted. Edward fell after whipping out his tongue he whipped the clouds like whipped cream.

    ¡°Sluuurp,¡±This novel''s true home is a different platform. Support the author by finding it there.

    The 27% distance extension he had previously unlocked had added just enough reach to his <lashing tongue> ability. The scaled and hardened muscle latched onto the cube before it could run away from him. The little square somehow yanked his chain forward with its crazy mass on a mad descent to the ground.

    The clouds parted revealing a wasteland. There was not the snowy tundra he expected to find in the core. Instead volcanoes were active on a crusty plain of basalt. Edward reeled himself forward, and fully ate the cube.

    ¡°Burrrp there,¡± he said as a form of final insult.

    The impact would be any second.

    ¡°Congrats you have eaten over 100 tons, advanced stomach unlocked,¡± a robot voice inside Edward¡¯s skull announced.

    ¡°Guess neither of us are very human perhaps I''ll survive,¡±

    ¡°SMACK!¡±

    Vision went blank.

    Asteroids continued raining like no tomorrow onto the flat planet from space. The start of the apocalypse appeared to be here for Tenare, and the frosty region was being particularly hard hit. The debris from the destroyed moon peppered cratered scars everywhere that spewed thick and dirty space smog limiting quality of life significantly. Where was there remaining to flee from danger?

    Jed remained on the run followed by three soldiers running from the dead. The heavy snow and thick branches left standing in the area tried their best to slow travel. The easier ground kept him under the treeline. Any of those remaining alive would have noticed more strange occurrences on the horizon if they had time to look up.

    A deafening danger close explosion right next door blew chunks of heated mud everywhere. One paused at the edge of the impact while Jed jumped through part of the smoking zone of hot embers because the alternative was meeting certain death from the dead pursuers. The soldiers heard each other gasping for air amid the overwhelming ammonia smelling pollution. Yelling panicked while their fallen comrades stalked after them beside shattered crystals.

    ¡°Brains,¡± groaned the regular zombie units, stumbling through the underbrush that gave way like cheap fold-able chairs at an all you can eat buffet as they tumbled one by one into the pit.

    ¡°Gun, gun.. fun,¡± boomed the voice of the heavily armed zombie joining the battle.

    ¡°Shoot em buddy,¡± A sultry smoky voice blew in from nowhere.

    ¡°Yes Nancy,¡± replied the heavily armored zombie, as the mini-gun spun into maximum overdrive.

    It lumbered past the burning log cabin as the roof fully collapsed shooting embers into the sky. Standing on the edge of the treeline spinning up its minigun where the regular zombies entered. In the background asteroids rained into the mountains on fire. A skeleton dressed in smoldering Elven plot armor blindly fumbled around.

    ¡°Edward, where have you gone? I save your ass again and you abandon me you son of a bitch,¡± she raged, walking right into a crater.

    ¡°Brzzzzt,¡±

    Bullets flew forward spraying dead wood into splinters. A soldier dashed ahead of Jed escaping the crater. The rest of the group followed, coughing out gunk. They ducked clutching their behinds from the shooting gun with six rotating barrels that blasted just overhead ringing their collective eardrums. The hail of incoming bullets peppered the snow showering them in flakes of torn up roots. The guy running in front of the pack continued zig-zagging deeper into the forest. The bullets from the undead bulldozer chased him forcing him to make a sudden turn. They overshot that direction blasting away at birdies in the nighttime.

    Jed saw his opening to pounce. He suddenly turned around, surprising the soldier taking up the rear. He pulled him behind a log in a choke hold where he knocked the enemy out non-lethally to stave off another zombie from spawning.

    ¡°BRZZZT!¡±

    Jed fled diving behind rocks as nearby trees exploded into pulp. The bullets ricocheted off the stones before shifting direction again. Another soldier saw Jed hiding safely and nowhere else to flee there as well. He ran in that direction alerting the regular zombies. The bullets ripped into the ground spewing snowflakes while the horde zeroed in.

    ¡°Oooooooo¡± he cried out, tripping forward on a root.

    The chase was on for the incoming zombies gaining on the man. Jed matched their groans on seeing all the trouble heading his way.

    ¡°BRZZZT!¡±

    The incoming wave of zombies were hit by friendly fire and pulverized. Red hot liquid splattered and splashed all over the scene as if a dump truck of blood had tipped. The soldier diving for safety made the last ditch jump onto Jed.

    The broken body flopped like a fish out of water, pulsing organs fell out of holes and the punched stomach leaking rotten supper. Jed¡¯s heaving painted body was trying its best to dissociate but the overwhelming stench was too much to handle. His mental facilities had caved to stress and were stunned into inaction. The trembling man in his arms let out his last breath that stunk like there was no tomorrow.

 98: Plot Armor

    Brutal cold and faint painful yowling filled the smog filled warzone. The snow still fell as usual. Asteroids delivered deafening explosions destroying the few trees that remained standing. What had not already fallen over to the meteors would soon be clear cut.

    In addition a heavy zombie revived by Nancy the necromancer provided overwhelming stopping power cranked out by six red hot rotating barrels of a minigun. The heavily armored corpse apparently had infinite ammo exploit.

    Jed really had his hands full. The mangled corpse of the fallen soldier remained frozen in his lap. The guy had been running for cover one second, then heaving his last breaths leaking guts from holes behind the cover of rocks the next from the big gun, until he suddenly sputtered back to life again.

    ¡°Brains,¡± cried the re-animated cadaver, thrashing about.

    The zombie soldier had an eyeball dragging on a thin line behind followed by his intestines. A mouth with two holes out the other side and a nose shot off lunged forward. Jed flinched seeing the red eyes determined for fresh blood. It snapped ready to bite. Jed unstunned just in time to survive the current battle dodging the snapping teeth by instinct.

    It was as if by instant a mental switch had flipped. Jed grabbed onto the shredded remains of its military backpack of the assailant. He tossed away the zombie into incoming bullets and into a burn pit. It screeched on account of being raked over hot coals.

    ¡°Bang!¡±

    The valley exploded with light as a big chunk of fallen moon hit a nearby mountain. Jed was a soldier doing actions his subconscious acted out while the man supposed to be behind the driver''s seat drifted away into a far out dream. His brain a shell shocked pudding spinning round the ring around the rosie. His eardrums cried like they were being cleaned with a broken fiddlehead. Additionally his pulse pounded in a headache with every nearby impact of the outside meteor storm.

    Out of nowhere slithered the return of the burned zombie making a beeline towards the survivor growling on fire with hunger. It crawled underneath obstacles overhead. Jed picked up a rock from the pile he was hiding behind.

    ¡°Come to papa you little bastard,¡± he taunted.

    The zombie remained fearless in pursuit of getting dinner until suddenly it sputtered backwards seemingly cowering away in fear. It¡¯s'' eyes were all that showed out of a dark hole until it changed color to gothic pitch black. Nancy now had control of the body from the other end of the spirit realm.

    ¡°Oh Eddy that must be you also cast down by shooting star, smooch smooch smooch,¡± emitted the gargle of dead vocals from the dark.

    ¡°Let''s start the love early before my skeleton gets there to bone you,¡± drooled the zombie sensually, looking for something more to snack on than brains.

    It broke the ice leaping out of its hiding spot in a foxhole right on top of Jed. He rolled out of the way just in time as his ears screeched like they were being cleaned with a broken fiddle. The creature Nancy controlled tried attacking him in a non-consensual manner, but that just pissed him off.

    ¡°Crunch!¡±

    The creature¡¯s head was pulverized underneath the makeshift weapon of stone, but it was still trying to kiss him.

    "OOOOGAAAA BOOOOOOGAA!"

    Jed screamed out like a caveman grabbing hold of a wooden club conveniently cut out from the bullets. He continuously smashed the brain until nothing remained. His knuckles bloody alternating between fists of rage.

    ¡°Get rekt there¡¯s suppa, eat that,¡± Jed said, leaving behind a bloody mess.

    ¡°Brrrrzt.¡±

    The remaining tree trunks in the area were ripped open in similar fashion to an experienced mortician cracking open the final cold one from the fridge on a Friday night. The branches launched while the trunks turned to splinters. The rest of the grove creaked, cracked, and toppled over on each other causing a chain reaction among the timbers. There must have been an end to what seemed to be an unlimited amount of bullets.Unauthorized reproduction: this story has been taken without approval. Report sightings.

    Jed had alway been lucky enough to not count himself out just yet. He realized his rifle was missing in action. The only options left seemed to be sneaking out of the area somehow in one piece or hoping a falling object would bullseye the shooter.

    The hail of bullets ripped into things heading away. The zombie wielding the minigun must have been gunning for the other target still alive. It was now or never to act.

    Jed searched the smoking clearing for any cover still standing, but what he was behind all of it. He sprinted from behind cover into the open. The bullets started turning back his way, shredding the ground as the angle of attack was recalibrated. He jumped back into cover just in time to avoid being shot. He held his ears tight and his head down behind the rocks as bullets whizzed and popped being deflected right behind his head.

    Not going back to the burning cabin where the heavily armored zombie continued to shoot its minigun, Bessie had probably fallen with the collapsing roof. There was no going back to her family''s farm either empty handed to get the supplies of jungle juice he had a quest for. Her father would shoot him on site regardless if he was going to sneak in and steal it or try to rest. He would somehow survive another day. The road comes to the end for everywhere sometime and old Jed had done good to fight himself this far.

    Meanwhile back on the ranch in ruins.

    ¡°hahaha ,¡± laughed the heavily armored zombie shooting the minigun.

    ¡°Where¡¯s the exit?¡±

    Nancy the blind skeleton witch was fumbling around inside a nearby crater she had fallen inside.

    ¡°Oh how I wish I had my eyes, or a seeing eye guide,¡± she said, blindling slashing the air.

    ¡°Rap,rap, rap!¡± the sound of something knocking on her metal breast.

    ¡°Taking advantage of the blind girl to feel her up oh how shameless who dares disturb the dead,¡± she said.

    ¡°Let me out and I''ll show you the way to victory and teach you love,¡± called a faint pissed off voice trapped somewhere.

    ¡°Oh Ratom I should have known I would find you there,¡± she laughed, touching a secret wedge hidden somewhere.

    The large breastplate of her signature Elven plotting armor popped open revealing a flat chest holding a zombie leprechaun in the compartment. Ratom jumped out foaming at the mouth and took her hand. Together they walked out of the smoldering crater.

    ¡°Girl how did you get so lost damn last time I remember we were on the moon,¡±

    ¡°It was blown up I think.. Luckily my armor seems to have saved both you and me he he,¡± she cackled.

    ¡°I¡¯d say we got shot out of there on a rocket or something,¡± replied Ratom, leading her beside the ashes of the burnt log cabin.

    ¡°A rock. It felt like being on a shooting star,¡± she explained.

    Where the nearby woodshed had been replaced with a massive hole holding a large sparkling crystal meteor. The only thing left standing in the former camp was a small darkened guard tower. Laying a mess on the floor eavesdropping at the top somebody. Cramped next to the ladder Bessie lay surviving.

    After narrowly escaping being trapped in the burning building''s basement. The smoke had wafted down the stairs and she had run to the basement steps to find the door still locked. Luckily the soldiers locked outside had tried to cut their way back in before fleeing for the forest. Just enough for her to kick open a square bending the metal where it was still attached on one of three sides into an opening. She crawled right behind the heavy zombie too distracted with shooting to notice. She pulled her injured body and rifle through the dirty melting slush to where she was now cradling the weapon for safety. The sound of Jed screaming in pain cut into her like a knife.

    ¡°Sick em boy," said Nancy, petting her pet.

    ¡°Yummmy,¡± drooled the zombie leprechaun, letting go of holding his master¡¯s hand and becoming feral.

    "Go boy get the brains. I saw him in the woods killing one of my zombies and tricking me into thinking he was Eddy," she pointed randomly pointed the opposite direction.

    He picked up a scent and barked like a hound, then chased it into the forest on all fours going underneath the friendly fire.

    Bessie ducked back into the tower from where she watched. If she didn''t act fast and cause a distraction Jed was gonna be toast. She made sure her gun was ready and aimed for the skull.

    "BANG!"

    She blasted the skeleton and ducked back into hiding. She heard it collapse outside and readied for the return fire. As quietly as she could used the gun''s lever action to load the next bullet.

    ¡°Creek.¡±

    The small tower felt like it was moving. She felt her world collapsing sideways on a collision course.

    ¡°Smash!¡±

    Bessie was tossed out of the falling tower like water being thrown out of a bucket. She skidded behind a massive smoking meteor where the woodshed had previously stood. The heavy zombie stopped shooting at Jed, and started to turn.

    ¡°What was that?¡± asked Nancy, trying to climb off her knees blind.

    Bessie had rolled onto her hindquarters recovering from the tumble like a cat with nine lives. The bullet aimed at her skull must have instead hit that armor, bounced clean off, and blasted away a support structure on that tower. This realization crystalized the next angle of attack.

    The heavy minigun wielding zombie had now fully completed its slow heel turn. Bessie was running right in the crosshairs of death itself.

    ¡°Brrrrrrrrrt!"

    She dove behind the cover of Nancy¡¯s thick armor, but her bony thighs had a hug gap so she had to hop on the skeletons back. The bullets blasted away at the magic plotting device ricocheting right back off return to sender. The heavy zombie¡¯s clothing was ripped into shreds, its plates broken, and its flesh cooked. The minigun collapsed into a pile of guts and big bones.

    ¡°Aww shit here we go again¡± cried Nancy, her skeleton sent flying back into space.

    ¡°Grrrrrr,¡± growled the zombie leprechaun turning around for revenge.

 99: Rock Eater

    ¡°Wham!¡±

    Edward¡¯s mind went blank after crash landing in alien looking terrain. He dreamed of Nancy and all their unfinished drama that seemed to fill his soul. He remembered the first time he had undressed her black silk stockings in the graveyard. She had led him there under false pretenses, and later held onto a tombstone moaning for mercy until he broke it off with powerful thrusts from behind while slapping bouncing booty cheeks. This was one of their tamest ever encounters,one of the few rare times they really had a try at love making passionately.

    The other girls he got close to emotionally would soon find themselves dead, but Nancy was built much different from them. She was already kinda dead inside even back then and down for just about anything. Fully sexually liberated she never seemed to judge him as a freak no matter how weird their activities. All of the above plus being a huge chested goth girlfriend.

    The good news now was that he was dead and ugly, but so was she. They could date again even if all he had left for her needs was his cultivated tongue. No matter what his ends he was confident in his exquisite taste. Him and Nancy could have already gotten married if he hadn¡¯t been so preoccupied with getting his rocks off speeding down other highways of intense pleasures in his short lifetime. He certainly had taken her for granted and now prized her far more than pretty much any of his official husbands and wives. Unfortunately the addictive soul sucking but oh so powerful crystals had come calling with their powers and overtook his life. She had caught him going insane after an extended bender lasting weeks. They had fought in the hot tub after he had got up for the bathroom and came back with powdered nostrils matching his face.

    ¡°Your going to die fast,¡± she angrily scolded, slapping him.

    The extended nails cut his face causing bleeding damage.

    ¡°Ow you witch,¡± he responded, grabbing her neck to push underwater.

    In return she stabbed him in the thigh with enough crystal to overdose, collapsing into the bubbling hot waters comatose.

    He could confess that he wasn¡¯t good, but it wasn¡¯t his fault he had become a jailbird then escaped a mutant thing. He had a genetic predisposition towards risk taking behaviors, and addiction. The sacred ceremonial crystal lobotomy (and circumcision) given at 12 years old in order to make him more holy had backfired. Thankfully being a self aware genius had allowed him to keep the shameful homicidal behaviors away for a time. But now he had a million souls to collect and couldn¡¯t discriminate or apologize in the process.

    ¡°blblblbl,¡± he gargled back to reality bubbling underwater.

    The outside ground began to bounce while the bubbling intensified as the heat multiplied. The temperature was beginning to melt what remained of his brain. Edward was already cooked.

    Edward had become a powerful mutated hardened skull and entrails, but very recently he had also unlocked a super strong stomach. A thick industrial garbage bag hooked behind him and splashed into fluids below.

    ¡°Grrr I¡¯m stuck,¡± was electrically transmitted from the collar worn by the head stuck in a hole in the ground.

    He had fallen out of the portal into a steam filled area. Suddenly the geyser he was wedged into erupts, ejecting the head. Edward shot back into a strange wetland dripping wet. Unauthorized usage: this narrative is on Amazon without the author''s consent. Report any sightings.

    ¡°DING YOU HAVE 7 EXPLOSIONS LEFT TO SURVIVE¡¯ loudly played the robotic voice in his flying head.

    ¡°Splash¡±.

    Edward found himself floating in a kiddie pool.

    ¡°Man, where the farc am I now?¡± he asked, squinting at what looked like some kind of nest on the other side of the steaming area.

    He shot out his extended tongue, hooking it around a conveniently placed palm tree. He pulled himself rolling onto land.

    Edward rolled to a stop into a pile of coconuts. He gobbled them up then rolled into the nest of eggs drooling.

    ¡°Wonder if these suckers count and other things before hatching, guess I¡¯ll have to do some experimenting,¡± announced the talking head. ¡°Yum yum yum,¡± he said, gobbling up the entire nest in one go like a goblin.

    Edward scouted the immediate area and found no bugs to collect. He returned to the geyser and plopped himself back in.

    ¡°Ha I will farm this path without risking li f..e.,¡± his voice box stuttered on the last word, electrocuting the rest of him into shock. ¡°Never luckybazzzaz,¡± he crackled, continuing to shoot sparks.

    In his transit to this primal low tech appearing wasteland he had eaten a being more powerful than himself. Of course this was after it had shut down in cubed low power mode from destroying a moon. It must have weighed a ton because eating it had fast tracked an upgrade for his monstrous body. Edward eventually intended to spit it out and crush it like a bug at a point much further in time when he was more powerful in his cultivation of powers. Speaking of bugs he was going to have to add them to his diet as a cheat meal. For now he hooked a nearby rock and slowly dragged it forward.

    ¡°Hahah me rockeater,¡± he laughed, shoveling it into his mouth.

    ¡°Munch,¡±.

    Four hours later the single sun was setting and the geyser had yet to explode again.

    ¡°Screw this,¡± Edward announced, shooting his tongue back around the palm tree.

    He yanked himself out of harm''s way just as the geyser blew again.

    ¡°Farc me,¡± he yelled angrily behind his phantom backbone.

    ¡°Thud¡±.

    Without the pile of coconuts to slow him he had slammed hard into the trunk hard threatening to knock himself cold. His headache blitzed hot pains in the mist from the geyser still blowing behind him. There was something else hissing a fit just beyond his face.

    ¡°Oh shit zzzzz,¡± cried Edward electronically fizzling onto a pissed off velociraptor.

    There were many more where that came from. An entire pack of the carnivores incoming at speeds too high to comprehend. Their beady eyes studied the alien looking half meatsack that lay in front of them. Could it be eaten?

    The first dinosaur attacked, snapping its teeth around the strange object.

    ¡°Hey I''m rolling here,¡± yelled the head being eaten.

    ¡°Crunch,¡±

    The velociraptor shrieked, pulling away on the retreat with a mouth full of broken teeth.

    ¡°Hahaha my hide aint raw,¡± laughed Edward, cracking out his tongue like a whip.

    Next he shot the extended thing out grabbing around the neck of the next victim. A third dino tried to bite this extended muscle, but he saw it coming and used the body of the one being strangled to beat the other to death. Two soul orbs flew out from the deceased into Edward. The rest of the enemies ran for the hills as he licked his lips.

    ¡°hahahahaha only nine thousand nine hundred and ninety eight more to go oh ho ho ho then I can leave dino land the apex predator let''s go,¡± he said rolling forward.

    Edward opened his mouth around the dead velociraptor and took a bite. He recoiled, spitting out the putrid flesh. He needed to locate his choice meat instead of this trash. Where was the hairy cave woman to beat his meat too.

    The ground began to shake thumping while the nearby puddle got ripples from the vibrations signaling the approach of something big. He got his mind out of the gutter and back on track to battle. The ground shook his head loose again rolling into the water.

    ¡°ROAR!¡±

    A tyrannosaurus rex exploded from the bushes and swallowed Edward in one quick bite.

 100

    ¡°Grrrrrrrrr braaains,¡± growled the zombie leprechaun, licking its lips.

    It opened a starved mouth full of rotting teeth broken into jagged edges where slime dripped. Ratom had additional brain matter leaking from the ripped open stitches on his noggin, but also still had an undead fondness for the witch who had stitched him and his brother back together.

    This new dame had gotten Nancy blown away tricking friendly fire. All that plus the intense hunger pains of many moons not being fed had him revved into a frenzy lusting for the bitches blond hair britches brains and blood. He would¡¯ve eaten anything living however being a zombie snarling forward. It was time to ruin a pretty face.

    Ratom charge attacked claws outstretched. He darted through the debris field of flaming boards, craters, all sizes of log from chip to half trunk, none cut the same length by the force of nature apocalypse.

    ¡°Stay back you,¡± yelled Bessie, aiming down her rifle''s iron sights from where she had tumbled.

    The dead slithered like a snake remaining unbothered by the threat.

    ¡°Bang¡±.

    Her missed shot flew just under the zombie gunning forward like a tweaking squirrel. Ratom darted in between torn toiletries and broken kitchen scraps torn about.

    Bessie swiftly lever actioned readied the next round and steadied her nerves. She breathed in and out just like her Pa had trained her from age 6 when they had started shooting tin cans, 7 cutouts of the King, 8 clay pigeons, 9 ducks, after 10 how to harvest a hog. She had the confidence of having slept in the crib with magazines on hunting.

    ¡°Bang!¡±

    Stuffing burst from behind Ratom¡¯s body as he went tumbling from the bullet''s impact. Bessie immediately made sure the lever was good for another shot ready to go, but in the process was temporarily knocked on her face due to close impact. She tried climbing on her feet while the zombie looked alarmed at a gaping hole burst into the chest. Bessie tried to stand but couldn¡¯t and had to remain on one knee. She used the rifle''s butt as a crutch to steady herself.

    In the background the cabin continued to burn, and asteroids rained into the muddy field of craters.The zombie leprechaun had vanished somewhere else for now, but she knew she hadn¡¯t delivered the necessary headshot to permanently end its troublemaking existence. It would be watching for as long as it took for her to weaken.

    She laid back and sighed, cradling the weapon for comfort in the clearing sky. Would she have enough for another go when she had already lost so much energy to fight from previous injuries. Even if it was cripled for good the undead were scary resilient. She corrected the rifle''s lever fully locked in, and pushed the safety out on the red dotted side.

    A dangerously close explosion blew and she rolled into a crater for cover. The flying dirt covered her from head to toe and a rock smacked her elbow, but where her body had just been was another flaming moon rock.

    Bessie hauled her wounded body towards the crackling warmth of the cabin fire. The good news was that the raining storm of impacting objects falling from space seemed to have slowed their shower of terror for now. The bad news was she was probably going to soon bleed out or eventually die of hypothermia, but at least the flames emitting from the burning building were nice and hot enough to keep things going for now. Hopefully Jed was long gone for the hills by now. The skeleton necromancer would certainly be back in her plot armor that was surely undefeatable and this area didn¡¯t need anymore zombies roaming around. The dead should stay there for their own good.

    There were many lights that seemed to float in the wasteland below their elevation. There had never been a major population center in the area, but it looked like a small town had been ravaged far away near the lake that steamed like a piping hot stew full of moonballs. The mountain across from them seemed to have had its legendary face dusted off by a massive chunk of moon that fell partialling into the valley. The forest fire continued in the few and far between zones that still had trees standing.

    ¡°Oh no,¡± Bessie began to sob, thinking of all the woodland that was forever ruined, not to mention if her father and home had probably not survived the meteor storm.

    She crawled underneath a blocky wooden desk close enough to the fire for warmth, but the smoke conveniently drifted elsewhere. She focused on ripping apart her scarf and tying it to stop the bleeding on new cuts. There was brown grass here and the surrounding area once a forest was eerily quiet except for the crack and pops of the large fire pit that was where the cabin had previously stood..

    It was far too much to process in the short time she seemed to have remaining to live. She figured it was better to focus on the memories because she wasn¡¯t changing reality. Bessie cleared her frozen tears and smiled. The stars looked mighty fine tonight, and a full moon had replaced the destroyed one.

    Nearby lay Jed collapsed onto the rockpile that had provided enough utility to save his life. The wind blew in fresh snowflakes onto his jacket. There was bush''s burning and what remained of a blown apart tree stump. Lights appeared floating through the mangled blow downs while his vision blurred and he fought off the overwhelming urge to sleep. Jed tried to stand but his legs wouldn''t cooperate. There was something that sounded like shouts and calls in the distance. He felt his heart slowly beat to a crawl while he lay drifting off into the great beyond away from this ugly area. Unauthorized duplication: this narrative has been taken without consent. Report sightings.

    Jed fell on his stomach and began crawling back towards what remained of the burnt log cabin. He kept pushing while the floating lights intensified and he thought he heard the shadows calling out his name from down the hillside. He had to rest just for a second. The lack of sleep and cold was numbing his mind from just how much danger he really was in.

    Just a moment more to rest he thought, closing his eyes. The problem with dying now was he still had so many dreams, and he figured the universe had owed him a good decade to live it up in retirement at least. It was pretty disappointing to be dying out in the middle of nowhere. Having never delivered on the shipment of a lifetime, or lived¡­

    Suddenly the first of many lawmen showed up galloping throughout the wasteland on horseback. More small wagons followed their lead, narrowly navigating the debris. The man in front of them all dismounted with a lantern. He wore a heavy fur over matching cotton uniform, leather weapon strap and a shining gold star badge out front.

    The light flickered, illuminating the survivor half encased in ice. Bessie groaned where she had fallen moments from freezing to death.

    ¡°Ma¡¯am names Sheriff Nat Spit, did you know you have been traveling with a dangerous fugitive here,¡± he said, lowering a hand but hesitated. ¡°Oh dear get the medic he''s left her near dead with attempted murder,¡± finished the sheriff.

    ¡°What?¡± Bessie faintly asked, her gun falling over splatter into the mud where it sank away.

    ¡°Easy there dear, I''m not gonna hurt ya,¡± he said, lowering a hand to her. ¡°take him away boys,¡±.

    ¡°Yes sir,¡± shouted the others.

    Jed was hauled out by two cops handcuffed. He struggled in a fight until a third threw him in a reinforced bar wagon and slammed the prison door shut. Bessie was being treated by a medic while wrapped in a blanket for warmth. A cop winked while grabbing hold of her rifle. ¡°Nice piece, we will give it back to you,¡± she said.

    ¡°Your farm happens to be just down at the bottom of the valley if it is still standing¡±

    ¡°If the apocalypse here hasn¡¯t destroyed it, we will take you there for shelter,¡± said the lawman, pumping his shotgun..

    ¡°Take me to the hospital,¡± she sighed.

    ¡°It¡¯s been destroyed in the nearest town from here don''t you have eyes,¡± replied the cop.

    ¡°I¡¯ve been surviving an onslaught of zombies,¡±.

    ¡°Yeah now''s not the time for talking miss sorry, " said a cop manhandling her.

    Bessie was gently forced into the backseat of a police wagon.

    ¡°What did he ever do?,¡± she struggled climbing inside the lifted vehicle on account of being wrapped up so tightly.

    ¡°We¡¯ve been tracking his ass for a long time. Jed¡¯s wanted for murdering a mass of army soldiers, and at least one Knight not to mention all the killing of Killin company employees which last I checked,¡± The sheriff paused to knock the ice that had accumulated off his mustache, ¡°Now let¡¯s get a medic to save you from dying. Miss I''m not taking anything else but saving you from yourself,¡± he commanded, picking her up.

    Bessie didn¡¯t have the energy to fight back.

    ¡°Unfortunately you will have to ride in the back of the prison wagon with the dangerous criminal who seems to have ruined your life a little longer in order to receive proper medical attention until we meet the rest of the fleet of survivoring officers,¡± he finished.

    The medic hastily beckoned for them with his kits unzipped on the wagon''s open tailgate. Jed was handcuffed to the bars in the dark of the far corner closest to the window to the drivers. The medic worked away stitching, spraying stinging disinfectant, bandages and burn cream to treat Bessie near the rear en route back to the farm. They took what felt like days to slowly traverse throughout the field of smoldering craters.

    She was told she had been given the best medical attention as could be given out here in the sticks. Then she was crammed into the heated passenger seat of the waiting heavy machinery on treads that they met in a clearing further down the mountain. The metal beast spewed smoke as it snow crawled down the steep side of the path taking a precipice shortcut.

    The cabin rumbled while the engine worked overtime. She sat on the seat doing nothing but worshiped the heat emitting from the vents, and avoided eye contact with the driver. There was the ever growing tension of what they were going to find tonight. It was something you could not think about but was ravaging the body''s anxiety system to nothing behind the scenes.

    The farm appeared out of the mist to her through the window. Her stomach dropped with the big barn burning up in flames. Their house was in the background untouched.. Near the fire a tractor drove carrying something in its bucked while the highbeams provided additional temporary light for a farmer to drive through the ring of flames.

    ¡°Papa,¡± Bessie cried as he drove fearlessly towards the smoke.

    The tractor dumped water out of its bucket onto the flames, and sped off into the dark. The police convoy continued down the unplowed road until it suddenly stopped where the bridge had been taken out by an asteroid.

    ¡°You guys turn around and stay close. Keep guarding the girl, we are gonna wrangle up the father,¡± yelled the sheriff from his advancing horse. .

    ¡°Let me see my dad,¡± Bessie yelled, throwing open the snow-crawler''s door to escape.

    She was jump scared by the masked medic holding a needle.

    ¡°No,¡± Bessie cried, as the medic injected her with the tranquilizers.

    ¡°Sorry miss, but we do things by the book just gotta secure the area,¡± said the sheriff , who directed his horse through the craters while the wagons were stopped in their tracks. ¡°Giddy Up ah yup,¡± he yelled, angrily forcing his horse to gallop after climbing onto flat ground.

    Most of the other cops on horses followed after him speeding across the ruined farmland towards the burning barn. Others ran after their dogs. Bessies father drove back into the fire being pursued by The dozen lawmen on horseback.

    The medic carried Bessie back to the same jail bars that trapped Jed. She slumped into the same deafened position as him drifting out of focus. It was a miracle both of them were still so uninjured after so much nonstop action. She fought as hard as she could to stay awake watching the dark for any signs of life behind the collapsing barn.

 Apocalyptic Survival 101

    Jed glared at the medic working on saving Bessie. She was sedated and her wounded body was left wrapped in a blanket sleeping. The medic took a brief look at Jed, but quickly established he was a lost cause. The jailwagon was stopped and he jumped out the back locking the door shut on the way out.

    Nearby the burning barn on Bessie''s family farm shot flames into the sky. The asteroid storm from the destroyed moon had slowed, but there were still plenty of impacts. Somehow the usual two moons appeared to hang out full on the horizon.

    ¡°Our machines are running out of crystal fuel, so good thing for the horses, but we¡¯re stuck without any more charge for our vehicles and more mouths to feed,¡± somebody moaned outside.

    ¡°Well Farc me ain¡¯t you a prissy little weakling how about walking haha?¡± laughed another lawman.

    ¡°Seriously boys I want your eyes glued on guarding those prisoners at all times understood, getup,¡± announced a guy on horseback riding off.

    ¡°Yes sir," said a guy, who dumbly pointed at a big rock falling from the sky.

    ¡°BOOM!¡±

    Whatever remained of the big red barn exploded shooting flaming fireballs out into the blast radius. A mushroom cloud formed over the farm as the previously cratered spaceballs rolled into the winds stirred into a blender again.

    ¡°Get down,¡± yelled the Medic, running for the wagons while deadly objects blew overhead.

    The main farmhouse had half its shingles ripped from the front while the gazebo and a section of the porch was crushed. The cowshed went up in smoke while what remained of a fence shot out posts. A spooked horse bucked kicking off the straggling rider into the mud and sped off into the woods without them.

    ¡°Fuck that must have been the old mans still in there,¡± said Jed, gripping the jail-bars as the wagon they were locked inside.

    The wagon began tilting sideways on its wheels. They slammed forward and rolled, falling until he was hanging by his handcuffed arm swinging through the air. The vehicle rolled into the ditch as the spokes snapped. Bessie fell beside him unconscious. The runaway prison wagon stopped upright with a heavily dented cage and exposed axles.

    Jed thanked his lucky stars he was still alive even being presumed a prisoner for the rest of his life. Funny how fast things changed so fast from his previous hard-line of "you''ll never take me alive¡± to being ultimately saved by these guys.  Maybe the apocalyptic event he had just witnessed had destroyed all the judges, jails and courthouses. If that was the case then all the places to spend the bounty money would have also gone toast. And in that case they probably weren¡¯t going to keep feeding him long term. Gulp they could find plenty of uses for her for better or worse, but he was probably soon to be executed.

    The stars circling all around made him dazed and confused. He had probably hit his head was the last thought he could muster up before collapsing on his back. He stared at the blurry spinning ceiling overwhelmed with the feeling of motion sickness and the urge to puke. He had managed to throw the thin blanket back over Bessie for warmth in the meantime. He felt his heart beat a sigh of relief after making sure she wasn¡¯t dead. The snowflakes continued falling outside filling the sacred ground. The two lay passed out drifting apart into separate nightmares while the lights of their rescuers caught up to them.

    Nearby the chase to catch a tractor was ongoing. The old farmer sputtered away spewing a trail of smoke for the lawman to follow after. The sudden explosion had spooked many of the horses, but sheriff Nate Spit¡¯s stead was so broken to his will it obeyed his every command to keep pushing forward through the smoke. He even had it jump through a ring of fire and over a washout.

    The barn explosion backfiring on his machine loaded with something, and the horse having trouble due to the horrible air quality. He pushed the animal forward while aiming his shotgun. He had almost gained close enough to jump to the tractor''s cab when it suddenly disappeared out of view. The tractor had fallen sideways into a dark hole in the ground he had missed due to poor vision. The wheels spinning out of control in the air while out came spilling twelve liquid containers from the bucket rolling away in the process. The old man had spilled out two without being crushed. He tried to climb to his feet but he couldn¡¯t without assistance.

    ¡°Whoah,¡± scolded Nate, slowing his horse, before turning it around in a field.

    ¡°Hey mister, If you''re thinking about doing anything funny well the first place your daughter will be taken is for a good long look at your fatal mistake, heck I might even rub her face in it,¡± taunted Sheriff Nate spit, showing off a sparkling badge and drawing his weapon to show he meant business.

    The old man fell out of his overturned tractor and groaned on his stomach crawling out of the wreck as best he could manage. His mutated crystal coated body made his movements stiff and erratic. He rapidly breathed in and out underneath a shotgun shoved down his throat by a man with a wild look in his eyes who said he was keeping law and order. There was a showdown at the end of the property line where he had crashed. A concealed carry pistol revealed behind the old man''s flapping jacket as the wind smacked them with the weather. The man paused for a second to think things over and realized he couldn¡¯t grab it in time before he stopped resisting. The sheriff grabbed the weapons and started a pat down, finding three more small semi pistols, and a sawn off down his trousers that were built extra large to accommodate the mutations.

    ¡°I¡¯m truly sorry about your horrible condition sir, well as the condition of your farm, but we do have a public emergency order in effect granting us the laws to secure everything in the kingdom,¡± said Nate who was midway into helping the sick suspect to his feet when he spotted purple leaking out of several of the spilled containers.

    ¡°Sir what have you tried to escape from the burning barn with?¡± questioned Nate.

    The sheriff threw the old man down on the ground as three of his deputies ran into the picture, with one holding a bright light. The surrounding environment was suddenly still giving center stage to the humans.Support the author by searching for the original publication of this novel.

    ¡°He could mutate into a monster at any second, be careful,¡± yelled somebody.

    Nate bent and let his hand be filled with the sticky purple substance leaking out of a container at his boots.

    ¡°This is highly illegal shit right here¡­Jungle juice,¡± he said after taking a taste. ¡°One of you gets word out to the others to take over the farmhouse there to sleep for the night we have full right to seizure now that we have evidence of this stuff being stored here,¡±

    ¡°No warrant to come here,¡± gasped the old man being handcuffed.

    ¡°Don¡¯t need a warrant in the apocalyptic conditions we can go onto any land as an enforcer of the crown''s laws man you are lucky an act of likely a god destroyed most the evidence in that there barn,¡± speculated Nate, before pausing to lift the heavy container to where it wouldn¡¯t spill anymore. ¡°Men, we will first clear the house building, quarantine the old man in one of the rooms I guess, and spend the night until we can acquire the necessary crystal gas in order to charge our empty vehicles to move out,¡± he ordered.

    ¡°Sir the jail wagon took a tumble in the blast,¡± the messenger paused on seeing his boss''s intense questioning eyes staring him down. ¡°The prisoners were retrieved fine, but my horse ran off,¡± he was finally able to spit out under pressure.

    ¡°Right get the prisoners guarded and take them to the front steps of the farmhouse¡± Nate ordered.

    ¡°But my horse,¡±

    ¡°Forget it you''ll never catch it follow orders,¡±

    ¡°Yes sir,¡±.

    The lights flashed reflecting off the windows still intact. The house was dark as their footsteps creaked across the porch. Three officers remained guarding the prisoners laid out near the front steps while the rest prepared to breach the residence.

    ¡°3¡­2..1.¡±.

    ¡°Go, Go, Go!¡± Nate yelled, kicking open the front door.

    They streamed inside the building, weapons drawn.

    ¡°Shit what was that?¡±

    ¡°Bang!¡±

    Glass broke as something shattered apart in the kitchen.

    ¡°Hold your fire damn it,¡± yelled Nate, holding his ears.

    He aimed his flashlight into the room with his pistol and charged towards danger. The shot had broken a cookie jar and scared a mouse across the floor.

    ¡°Watch your fire,¡± Nate nervously yelled at the man aiming his gun while the varmint ran under his legs and into a hole in the wall on the other side.

    ¡°Phew,¡± he said, whipping his sweat covered forehead. ¡°You trigger the happy guy go in first to the next room,¡±.

    ¡°Yes sir,¡± said the officer, hanging his head in shame.

    He walked across the room before exploding into the next room. ¡°Clear!¡±.

    Later the flames crackled as a grandfather clock began to strike the twelfth hour. There was a familiar couch where a familiar woman was tied to it. Jed¡¯s vision returned to him before his mind came fully online. He was laying on the floor near the grate of a stone fireplace. He couldn¡¯t move and whether it was due to the five star wanted response of having ropes, plastic ties, a mouth mask, a thing around his chest, and handcuffs holding him down around his body. Or maybe it was to do with the previous injuries that hurt like crazy. He had to fight his darkening vision to stay awake until the voices charged his adrenaline and he pretended to be asleep under closed eyelids but was really woken up by the situation.

    ¡°You guys know I was a deputy underneath the last sheriff before somebody killed him, I know who it really was too but a big part of my job is not acknowledging it,¡± said the Sheriff, strutting across the living room.

    ¡°Well with both rulers dead, a truly disastrously unproductive ¡°Temporary council,¡± of nobodies in their place, I much preferred the royals because that''s how we''ve always done things,¡± said another voice.

    ¡°And the moon blowing up triggering an apocalyptic event, who knows what we will find of civilization when we return to it,¡± added Nate, studying a row of family pictures.

    ¡°But do we want to return or play it safe and wait it out for a while?¡± asked the other.

    ¡°Of course there¡¯s only a dozen of us here Charles, we need a full town of somebody to serve and protect. I ain''t fit to govern or lead a cult,¡± said Nate.

    Another cop barged from the kitchen. They''ve got the stockpile enough to feed us for at least a couple weeks,¡± he yelled, waving a bag of donuts in his hands.

    ¡°Hey don¡¯t eat all those,¡± Nate scolded, catching one. ¡°Thanks, but I intend for us to be out of here come tomorrow morning soon as we can, but first that requires us to get out of the old man where his gas storage on the property and let him know the alternative of not giving that up will be severe,¡±

    ¡°Yes sir, but don¡¯t you figure that the gas that was exploded that barn,¡±

    ¡°Nope, that was mostly highly flammable but more highly illegal juice. Anyway, did you do what I told you?¡± Nate asked, before placing the food under his mustache.

    ¡°Yup we have the old guy chained to the radiator upstairs like you ordered.. But is it uhm that disease is contagious?¡± one trembling cop asked.

    ¡°Nope, as long as he''s alive you can play cards with him if you want, the issue is when he dies if his zombie returns it ain¡¯t gonna be a normal one¡± said Nate, nervously chuckling afterwards.

    ¡°No kidding, going to be extremely armored should it be revived like what we narrowly escaped from in the police headquarters back there in town but perhaps twice or three times as bad from the scale coverings,¡±.

    ¡°Gulp from going off that we should get the gas information off him and leave him behind so we don¡¯t have to deal with the aftermath,¡± whispered 2nd in command.

    ¡°We should stay here and reinforce the building, but take him out to pasture who knows how many other bases are standing after the apocalypse from the destroyed moon,¡± said another.

    ¡°Look Charles and the rest of you listen, I realize the choices are we could settle down here stuck all winter, or take a gamble and look for a group of more people that have also survived,¡± said the sheriff, beginning to pace the creaking floorboards. There was a tapping on the window and he spun with a pistol.

    ¡°Just a branch boss,¡± said the cop standing beside it who had jumped out of the way. The sheriff walked to the window and remained silent staring outside. The horses were hooked on the porch and began pacing in place looking spooked. While the fires had mostly gone out there were little embers that illuminated smoke from smoldering craters. He thought he saw a shadow moving far behind where the barn had burnt to a crisp. There was a meadow full of undisturbed snow with a willow tree in the center of a small cemetery plot in the far view.

    ¡°Huh I wish I had my binoculars right, nevertheless we will divide ourselves up, I will interrogate the old man, and the rest of you will draw straws on dividing up the jobs of watching these two, beginning the reinforcing the building, cooking supper, plus going outside and bringing in water from the pump, while two more take the rest of the stuff from the vehicles,¡± ordered Nate.

    Some began working together to haul bookcases, desks, and other furniture towards reinforcing the windows and backdoor. Nobody had wanted to go back out into the cold outside so spaghetti was repurposed. Charles and two others groaned on drawing short ends, and heading for the front door. Jed heard the sheriff and one other heading upstairs. He opened his eyes briefly enough to see he was still well guarded by two. He truly was crippled up shit creek without a paddle.

 Error Code 102

    The interrogation of the old man chained to the radiator continued upstairs. Below Bessie was unconscious on the living room couch, while Jed desperately wriggled working to escape inches away from the scorching heat of the too close to the stone fireplace that roared. The flickering flames cast ugly shadows on the barricaded windows. The grandfather clock has seemed to cease ticking after being crudely repurposed.

    Jed stopped moving in his tracks. There were pots and pans loudly ringing out from the swinging kitchen door. The guard assigned to watching them returned licking food off a spoon. While the kitchen door had settled moving most light continued to pass through a cut in the wall divider with the bar facing the living room. The guard sat on a stool and started talking to the back of the house. It didn¡¯t seem any of them were escaping.

    Officer Charles was on cooking duty wearing a flowered apron inside the kitchen clanging metal bowls frantically mixing corn flour and eggs. There was half of his ingredients in the bowl and half on the floor before he was frantically jumping back to chopping farm carrots, potatoes, onions and squash on the cutting board.  While more frying pans sat on the stove-top bubbling full of hot oil because he needed to get it done on time for the boss. It wasn¡¯t his rodeo cooking tonight but the first with something other than spare canned soups previously mixed over campfires. It was hard to remember most of the manic progression of the last few days. It was only now they had a good moment to remember anything in the fog and mental grime that occurred in battle.

    This was the first night setting foot into a proper kitchen in years and he made a lot of noise trying to feed at least some of them. He cooked the three extra meals just to be safe using the recipe books straight from their family. Being a chef was a new double duty for this newly knighted individual used to the nonstop dogged pursuit of criminals throughout the kingdom, then later the empire''s most wanted enemies. With so many Knights being purged by Killin Hood due to family relations they had all been Knighted together as a squad but it was long deserved. Only problem was nobody in the unit seemed to care anything at all about knighthood but him. And since Killin Hood¡¯s time in the spotlight was seen as a major blight that ruined everything Edward already had, they had gone back to being treated like mall cops who bounty hunted on the weekends and not professionals with honor and a code.

    He who gunned down criminals on the regular in the pursuit of justice (as well as legal cold hard cash bounties) had also previously worked one summer at a restaurant. Thus Charles was assigned intern chef for the unit after the previous cook had been taken out when a space rock exploded on one of their vehicles killing four officers. It was either 48 or 24 hours or less ago he couldn''t remember now, but they would have caught up and apprehended the outlaw nicknamed Lead Dead Jed and saved Bessie from his wicked clutches much sooner if the impromptu funerals and graves they had dug like dogs under firestorm hadn¡¯t slowed their advance.

    There was the sound of a loud smack from a bedroom upstairs disrupting the atmosphere.

    ¡°Do we need to integrate your daughter with the same methods instead of busting your balls?¡± yelled sheriff Nate Spit in bad cop mode.

    There was a loud punch before a sudden pause in the torture. The old house became silent except for the trembling whimpers of its broken elderly owner. As the uncomfortable tension skyrocketed Jed¡¯s heart beat out of control threatening to burst out of his chest knowing he could be next. It all depended on if the Sheriff and his men only used violence when they wanted compliance or just for fun.  Finally the slow wheezing started a long stream of information that began to tremble out upstairs.

    ¡°Right okey-doke... I''ve got the initial part written wait hold on go again code 102 buried after the sand grater and lower gravel pit a few miles out?¡± a faint voice could be heard questioning. ¡°Hey Mr. Medic, stop helping the bad guy and dump your kit for something for use to draw a map on,¡± Nate commanded.

    ¡°Yes sir,¡± the medic meekly responded.

    Jed''s neck sharply cracked as he struggled and angled it to get a good look over at Bessie.  He was glad she was still truly well sedated for this ugly shit, but was also becoming increasingly worried about her ill health. His stomach gurgled aching badly as the scent of garlic cooking in olive oil wafted through while the rest of his body just hurt. The creaking floorboards upstairs returned his focus to playing dead as somebody soon began descending. Whatever good feelings he''d recently had at being alive even if constrained to a prisoner were starting to itch like poison ivy. Cabin fever already seemed to be setting in and anxiety was killing him by the time whoever had come down those stairs had walked over and stood over him. There just wasn¡¯t a chance of fighting anything with the amount of injuries he had already sustained and amount of bondage he was under.  Maybe they should have just died back there if all that was going to happen is being tormented and played with like food by corrupted knights.

    He remained tense as the feet walked away towards Bessie¡¯s location.

    ¡°Now I don¡¯t believe this one has done anything wrong yet. We shall let her get as much beauty sleep as possible before we leave.. medic would you clean this broad up please,¡¯ he said, gently rubbing away dirt from her forehead with a handkerchief after tucking in the blankets.

    Nate turned and locked eyes on Jed leaving the watching medic to return to checking Bessie¡¯s vitals.

    ¡°You know there¡¯s no gentle way to tell you this but seeing as you''re a soldier killer so phew here goes the brutal truth of matters¡± Nate Spit lowered over Jed who still resorted to pretending to be dead.

    The sheriff made a funny noise with his throat before he spat on Jed then rolled him in it in order to untie his gag from behind. Unlawfully taken from Royal Road, this story should be reported if seen on Amazon.

    ¡°Alright what you intend to do? haul me when I can¡¯t move, tied up a hundred times to the horse for information I don¡¯t know to end either way in the hanging post no matter what,¡± groaned Jed, staring him in the eyes until the lawman looked away awkwardly.

    ¡°I haven¡¯t decided for right now Jed you are welcome to participate in dinner but first I have something to get off my chest,¡±.

    ¡°Go,¡± said Jed, putting all the snarling menace he had remaining behind a single word.

    ¡°Man to man you should know It was I who ran down your old partner in crime that you split like a banana from abandoning long ago in the jungle,¡± he paused to grab his wide brim hat and held it solemnly at his chest. ¡°Anyhow they gave us a half a million royal coin after the corpse was deposited,¡± finished Nate, almost instantly snapping out of his awkwardness in order to study Jed¡¯s next reaction like a shark.

    ¡°Fred went mad from the war long before we became separated, it¡¯s been so long ago now but I assure you I''m the victim of a mix-up here. Sigh it was an extremely messy campaign where I was just a fresh grunt thrown into the grinder now the memories sit in a hazy bad dream I wish simply best not remember. Long story short, while me and Fred were friends due to me being assigned his assistant in the first place I did nothing wrong other than getting lost from the unit in the chaos of war and his brutal backstab that I have just learned of, " pleaded Jed.

    ¡°Well he went probably crazier than anybody we ever dealt with.. I rode in with him already resisting arrest from the first Knight to discover him strangling them with his hands and trying to eat the face off through the helmet''s visor with his mouth¡­ Easiest shot of my life killing the former Knight gone mad Fred Smith,¡± he said matter of factually while looking at the floor and holding his top hat in his hand.

    ¡°I assure you I only killed what I thought were a few bandits once in self defense not knowing his allegiances to Killin company and thus the kingdom I hadn¡¯t even realized was empire until tonight and beyond being a threat to my own life, Killin Hood even met us and said it was all cool I swear¡± Jed protested.

    The truth was he had gone ham on being a one man army with the help of his supernatural super powered stead that was long gone shape shifted away without a trace of evidence tying it to anything.

    ¡°That¡¯s what they all say besides in the eyes of the law when you killed those Killin company troops they were considered a part of our branches,¡±

    ¡°It is crazy unlucky how what appeared to be a two bit backwoods mob operation we originally ran into turned out to be an empire affiliated company but makes sense how their equipment and number of troops rapidly upgraded as our encounters increased from scythe slashing peasants to fully geared commandos in APCS,¡± mused Jed.

    ¡°We?¡± questioned Nate, raising his eyebrows while leaning in listening intently.

    ¡°Me and my Mule,¡¯¡± explained Jed.

    ¡°Oh I thought you had suggested Fred,¡±

    ¡°No sir get the timeline right damn man how long did it take for you and your dogs to catch and kill pour Fred anyhow,¡±

    ¡°Many months with the jungle so thick it was like looking for a needle in a haystack,¡±.

    There was a loud banging in the other room as something crashed to the floor. Sheriff Nate jumped into action with his pistol drawn. He crept forward towards the back of the house where there was a bedroom next to the basement door.

    ¡°Don¡¯t shoot, I accidentally knocked over this clumsy wooden barricade I was trying to hammer,¡± a flustered voice yelled.

    ¡°Ricky I want you to go and hammer and break it up into individual boards. Actually I bet there''s nails down there in the basement, I order you to go down there and check it out after dinner for supplies. I think we are staying put till tomorrow noon when everything is organized for the road,¡± Nate ordered.

    ¡°Gulp yes sir can I take somebody down there with me,¡± replied Ricky.

    ¡°What scaredy cat are you a scaredy cat?¡± scolded Nate.

    ¡°Gulp course not just figured it will be like looking for nails in a cluttered dark basement full of who knows traps or something,¡± stammered the man.

    ¡°Nonsense if there were traps anywhere on the property we would have run into them already. Now you can go down there and explore in a heated building while we retrieve the fuel several miles away after dinner or join us, understand?¡±

    ¡°Yes Sir, thank you,¡± Said Ricky.

    Sheriff Nate Spit returned to the living room holstering his weapon.

    ¡°I won¡¯t shoot you in the back mate, " he said, extending a helping hand. ¡°It''s time we eat and I insist you must join our feast seeing how the other hosts remenan incapacitated,¡±.

    The dining room table was maxed out with chairs to accommodate everybody for supper. Jed was sandwiched in the middle of two officers. He had his arms freed to eat but in return his legs were still bound and his torso became tied to the chair he sat.

    ¡°Eat well because we set out for the liquidized crystal fuel for our vehicles right after super now please pass the salt,¡± said Nate Spit, digging into his vegetables at the head of the table.

    ¡°Good thing for bringing those spare gas cans in our vehicles to bring it back with,¡± replied the lanky officer next to him, dropping off two shakers labeled S. and P.

    ¡°I really do strive to honestly enforce the law in the people''s lands but at the same time I can be merciless when it comes to punishing those who continue disobeying that''s the first part of the speech I have started writing,¡± monologues Sheriff Nate, holding a piece of hot baked cornbread crumbling all over table from his clenching fist.

    ¡°Ha¡± laughed Charles, getting up and walking away.

    Five minutes of small talking with full mouths later and without being offered dessert the prisoner was picked up and thrown shockingly close to the fireplace again. Jed squirmed like mad for a more comfortable position while the guy guarding them was in the bathroom.

    ¡°Unfortunately the girl is still drugged by our doing but I think she will make it alive she stays here a few days, if she is transported tomorrow she dies,¡± said the medic.

    The medic had reentered the room from a trip to grab more medical supplies from outside he immediately began an IV drip. Bessie lay filthy on the couch with a huge pile of spent alcohol wipes that had only partially cleaned off the soot and filth of their intense trial in the vast wilderness then the apocalypse situation of a moon going kaput to boot.

    ¡°Alright boys there¡¯s seven of us and me and three will go out while three more will stay. I want you watching her Charles.. Ricky will stay in the basement where he can keep his hands to himself, ¡± said Ned spit, walking towards the door, pumping his shotgun.

 Fever 103

    ¡°She¡¯s burning up at a fever 103,¡± shouted the medic, wiping Bessie¡¯s forehead with a cold rag.

    Her blond hair hung in a bucket of water lay on the floor underneath her head on the couch.

    ¡°I wish I had an ice crystal for super cooling right now,¡± the medic finished, wringing the towel

    ¡°Hey Charles, leave it alone and please help me explore the basement for just a second. It will save us an hour with two,¡± pleaded Ricky, whilst trying to load a revolver and accidentally dropping a bullet that rolled away.

    ¡°Watch where you''re pointing that thing dude.. You''re going down there to that basement that''s for sure orders,¡± interjected Charles, stamping his foot.

    ¡°Hey I think I¡¯ll wait with you for the rest of the guys actually,¡± said Ricky, slipping a leather jacket full of skull emblems and cumbersome service medals over two revolver holsters.

    ¡°You''re going down there because you can¡¯t be trusted around any sleeping beauties like the one on the couch mate, you can¡¯t ride a horse nether, or shoot much worth a damn with your cataracts these days. Useless extra mouth we are feeding if you ask me,¡± warned the knight, cracking his knuckles.

    ¡°Old, I''m only 33 years old for farc sake not useless, blah already forgot I was the one that saved everyone by shooting that crazed veteran before he could get us with his contraption,¡±..

    ¡°Ancient for the job, and average life expectancy is 39," said the medic.

    Charles laughed. ¡°Yeah and that was a dime a dozen even the medics saved us from being attacked by things he revived that attacked,¡±.

    ¡°Those things overdose on crystal and went crazy for brains vs a veteran war machine designer who tried to engineer a doomsday machine to smoke us back on the streets Pimply,¡± said Ricky, aiming one of his guns at the hall towards the basement.

    ¡°Look I¡¯ll give you in that case the rocket-prepared wheelchair was scary for a split second the first time we saw it flying at us, but that guy was too out of his mind to ever engineer something truly lethal. You shot him flying for the sun. He was going to burn up anyway without the intervention,¡± said Charles.

    Ricky began to protest more, but it went ignored. His face lit up in disgust as he walked away down the halfway.

    ¡°I''m the guardian of the house here, that''s orders,¡± replied the knight sitting at the nearby bar in the living room.

    Charles began whistling out of tune confidently after changing into full armor except his helmet. He sat on a stool in front facing his stern square jaw that was soon covered by a book he had found on crystallography. Jed remained wiggling about under heavy chains near the roaring stone fireplace.

    ¡°Don¡¯t make me use you as a punching bag prisoner,¡± Clarence scolded, looking up angrily to be distracted from learning.

    Jed stopped resisting arrest for now.

    ¡°Man I should have retired like I planned instead of doing an extra year for money. I get no respect,¡± Ricky groaned, whilst creaking away the floorboards under foot.

    He dreaded heading away from the warmth and light on route to the darkest coldest part of the building. The basement door moaned as it opened without any lube. He held it open peering down the creepy steps with his light. The stone steps were lined with various shelfs full of every kind of pickled thing including eggs, beats, sausages, pigs feet and snouts. The non-perishable foodstuffs floated around preserved in vinegar solutions of salt dill, garlic and sliced jalapenos.

    Rick slowly crept down the basement steps groaning and complaining with every step of the journey.

    In the basement the last step creaked as Ricky stepped off it. He shone his light at dusty jars, wooden barrels, and packed peanuts. He stopped in his tracks hearing something move. There was a gust of cold wind blowing down here? With no other option he crept forward; it had to have been another mouse or something.

    He turned the corner around a divider as metal banging conditioned. There were ropes and rusted chains dangling all over the ceiling swaying. He stepped onto a thin covering of snow that increased in depth as he got closer to the basement bulkhead. The door was cracked open and the wind kept blowing it back and forth making noise.

    ¡°Phew,¡± said Ricky, whipping off his sweaty forehead.

    He crept forward towards the exit to close it. It continued to bang at a steady interval while his heartbeat got faster and faster towards oblivion. He flinched too slowly to draw on the draw as something pounced from outside hugging him by wrapping around his face.

    ¡°Ahhh¡± cried Ricky, falling backwards from the surprise attack.

    He slammed on the snow over the concrete and was momentarily stunned until he tried to breath and couldn¡¯t anymore airway constricted. He panicked in the dark grabbing at his head until he pulled something slimy off and threw it away.

    ¡°Blagaha,¡± he groaned in between gasping for breaths.

    ¡°Phew,¡± he said, really rubbing off the sweat.

    The enemy had been a plastic trash bag blowing in the wind until he got in its way smothering his face. Ricky climbed to his feat and dusted himself off. His body hurt all over, and his blood pressure was clouding his vision. He unzipped his coat, popped open holsters, and drew duel wielding weapons as he crept back towards where he had fallen for another round of action.

    ¡°I¡¯m getting too old for this shit,¡± he said, climbing the first of three steps.

    The wind whistled fiercely outdoors, shaking the ramshackle farmhouse above. He slowly stuck his head out to look for threats. The hot ashes of the barn and two moons cast just enough light to confirm the coast was clear.Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on Royal Road.

    Meanwhile others had gone out into the night to bring back enough fuel for the vehicles to then travel over and fill the rest of the way to capacity.

    They rode the horses through the scorched grounds with guns on hand and mounted lights that wobbled .The wind blew the bitter cold snow storm into a frenzy. The nearby smoldering craters sizzled, melting away the fleeting flakes on contact.

    The man galloping into the middle of the pack followed the rapid bob of his tac light through the trees. He thought he saw something instantly dart away from vision. It was probably just another small animal. Man oh man why was it so important to go out tonight when daylight was only a few hours away.

    Nate Spit led the charge on horseback carrying his huge flashlight one step below a floodlight. His gun was holstered while his men remained jumpy. He had to confirm as soon as possible if the hidden storage of fuel was even still usable. They could stay here another week, but if the liquid crystal was gone they were going to have to somehow scout out more way further out. He needed as much time and information as possible to stay planning in order to keep anyone more in his posse from dying.

    ¡°There¡¯s the old fencing that I''m talking about,¡± he said, pointing.

    Nate had halted his horse and jogged it back to the others.

    ¡°We need to look for the next landmark that the dying old criminal confessed which is an overgrown road hidden between mounds of gravel that look like boobs with two pointy nips on both tops he put to remember,¡± He dismounted tying the horse to a rusting skiff trailer with tires that had been flat so long they were mostly moss. ¡°Then to the ultimate hiding spot of the underground fuel tank hidden where he was dumping rocky sand over to get finer stuff below. That''s the mission, let''s split up and look for clues,¡± said Nate.

    ¡°Yes sir,¡± said the other two with as much gungho performance as they could muster.

    The others had gone left and right while he had gone straight ahead. Nate was the only one who had to tie his animal in order to traverse across a rickety rope bridge not looking down. On the other end he charged up a washed out narrow road going deeper into the gravel pit. He kept pushing forward by jumping over rocks stacked in piles and dodging holes that could lodge legs as he climbed higher into an ancient quarry.

    There were three big levels to the pits and he found himself in the middle facing a high wall of slippery sand cut out from the ground. It looked like something was staring at him from the top part behind a row of rocks. Now it is gone, what is going on? He continued walking along the wall of sand before heading down a steep slope back down eventually leading through a hidden path through two mounds of dirt overgrown with blackberry barbs.

    There were only three of sheriff Nate Spit¡¯s crew occupying the building at the moment and one had been confined to living in the basement. If Jed was going to break free then now was a chance to run without the horses. He tried wiggling around again as much as he could without drawing the attention of a guard or medic. His bonds were way too much and even if he got out he wasn¡¯t outrunning anyone even if he dumped Bessie. Well that would actually be the correct move since they seemed to suggest she was innocent. Of course that could be a trick, but why bother to lie with both of them so injured. Oh bother he remained stuck as ever.

    ¡°It¡¯s too hot in here. I need help transporting her upstairs,¡± said the medic, looking concerned.

    ¡°As long as you think the boss will be cool with it, but I¡¯ll have to stay down here to watch him and unlock the door when they return,¡± replied Charles, putting down the book to stand.

    They each grabbed one end of Bessie and began carrying her up the steps.The old man groaned in pain as they snuck her into the room. The medic had already made up a beat in the corner of pillows and old musty blankets from a nearby trunk.

    No longer under supervision Jed thrashed as hard as he could to break free. This was the best chance of escaping he was probably ever going to get. The tapping on the window scared him a bit, but he remembered it was just a tree branch. Jed rolled away from the scorching fireplace until his blood ran cold. It sounded like scratching behind the same window, but it was barricaded so you couldn¡¯t see.

    In the basement Ricky had dropped one of his weapons back into the holster for his light. He crept forward while the chains on the ceiling rattled parting around his body. With the door shut the air had become musty as fuck. It felt like an occasional water drop fell from the ceiling on the back of his neck.

    He had already passed back by the stairs. He was only going to do one more quick sweep just to make sure there wasn¡¯t any legendary loot sitting out in the open that would make him look like a fool to miss. The flashlight passed stacks of barrels and boxes to focus in on a locked door at the back wall of the other end.

    ¡°Now what the farc is that?¡± said Ricky, slowly approaching a padlock.

    He put away his remaining equipped gun in order to better see the combination. He picked it up and held it close. The numbers already there were bunk so he tried 102.

    ¡°Click,¡± it unlocked.

    ¡°Haha I¡¯m a genius,¡± Ricky yelled, throwing the lock away with a loud clang.

    ¡°Smash!¡±

    The breaking glass behind him returned his attention before he had a chance to push open the door. Something was dragging itself through broken glass while otherwise quiet.

    ¡°Who¡¯s there?¡± Ricky said, reaching for his weapon.

    His light lit up a zombie looking right at him. It was a stitched together leprechaun crawling across the floor pulling strands of rotten stuffing in its wake. Its eyes were feral while its mouth was foaming for brains.

    ¡°Grrr,¡± growled Ratom, lurching forward to pounce out of the shadows.

    ¡°Bang,Bang,Bang,¡±.

    Jed was deafened by the gunshots right below him. The knight came flying down the stairs right to him.

    ¡°Ricky are you alright?¡± called Clarence, down the hall to the open basement door.

    There was no response. He threw Jed on his back and carried him upstairs swiftly like a beast.

    ¡°Watch them all , I''ll go check on Ricky,¡± Clarence told the medic, drawing a side piece and handing it to him.

    The medic thanked him and stuffed the weapon in behind his belt.  Jed was chained up right next to the old man. Clarence left holding his primary weapon whilst the medic was focused on healing Bessie in the other corner.

    ¡°I found your stuff hidden in the barrel in the closet. In secret I cloned the jungle juice recipe and further improved the formula by filtering it 12 times through the last of the precious crystals I borrowed to pay the bills from work thirty years ago,I did it all for Bessie and figured you never notice by the time you get back and hit the road to continue on drifting. You have to protect her now,¡± he wheezed.

    ¡°I¡¯m gonna try to save both of you,¡± said Jed.

    The old man chuckled. His face was black and blue and flaring up with crystal mutations while he struggled for every breath. He then groaned trying with all that remained of his strength to rip the radiator out of the floor but it wouldn''t budge.

    ¡°Cough, darn my habit of using 100 screws on everything done really got the best of me again. Sigh well I was smart enough to load up the moonshining mobile with enough cases of the stuff to live modestly for a long while if yous can escape,¡± whispered the old guy in Jed¡¯s ear.

    Suddenly they heard footsteps shambling outside of the incoming walking dead. The horde started breaking things and groaning with hunger for human brains.  They might have been stupid meat sacks but hundreds had surrounded the farmhouse and practically formed a line to beat on the weakest point at the front door.

    "Oh come on!"

 104 MPH

    Jed woke in the dark. He wriggled his chains and checked his handcuffs to make sure he was stuck. He stopped moving and concentrated on listening for clues to what was going on. It sounded like he was alone until he heard a low groan and a wolf howl outside.

    "Bessie?" he whispered.

    ¡°Drip,drip,drip¡± a leak dribbled somewhere in the attic above. There were fierce gusts of winter winds banging branches outside the house. Downstairs it sounded like someone was knocking before crashing and breaking glass from broken windows on the first floor. The front door was also being pounded by somebody from outside and it sounded like they were trying to break in.

    ¡°Let us in!¡± the desperate muffled voice outside yelled.

    Meanwhile Nate Spit had found the gas and was filling the container from a pump in the ground before an evil cackling pierced his eardrums. On the bank above him zombies emerged from the mist and began falling down into the gravel pit. They picked themselves up and slowly lumbered towards those still living.

    He ran back towards the farm carrying the gas can in one hand and a gun in the other. He dodged the enemies easily at first, but the number of dead grew rapidly boxing him into the tightening paths leading out. The dead were well decomposed with frayed rags and exposed skeletons.  Then he saw the narrow exit ahead was flooded with corpses before turning around and finding himself surrounded from all angles. A crawler even tried to bite his ankles after falling out of their wheelchair because the pit wasn''t handicap accessible.

    Nate Spit had to think fast or die soon. He reached for his big iron to take down as many meat-sacks as possible. The gas can had to be dropped.. Suddenly he knew what he must do and threw the can as far in front as he could manage.  He was using the last seconds he had to aim as the horde was close enough to taste.

    "Bang."

    ¡°BOOM!¡±

    The bodies next to the inferno blasted into smithereens.  Nate jumped over the path he had cleared with no time to spare. Next up the rickety rope bridge he had to cross while the horde chased him. The mist had grown the entire time and now was thick as pea soup and only getting worse. He had to take a leap of faith in running to the other side when he couldn''t see what was there. The zombies swarmed in behind him while the mad cackling had reached a fever pitch making the choice much easier.

    The bridge dangled over a steep drop to rocks. It was covered in a layer of slippery snow while more blew in from the wind that rattled those ropes. As he worked forward he had to keep clearing his eyes to see anything. Suddenly two cold hands emerged grabbing his neck.

    ¡°Brains,¡± it groaned, opening its mouth while dragging in its prey.

    Nate lifted his gun and shoved it in instead of his flash.

    ¡°Bang.¡±

    His ears were in serious pain when he reached the other side and found the horde eating his horse that had saved him indirectly. Nate ran away yelling out so he wouldn¡¯t be a victim of friendly fire. Finally at the exit of the meeting the three others waiting for them. They sprinted not stopping to look back as they raced for the safety of the barricaded old house. There was the small family graveyard they had gone through on route.

    ¡°Let¡¯s go around that,¡± said Nate.

    ¡°Fantastic idea,¡± agreed the others already spotting skeleton hands digging out from underneath the tombstones.

    It sounded like a battering ram was being employed downstairs. It was now or never to get out.

    ¡°Bessie can you hear me?¡± Jed whispered.

    Bessie started mumbling in her sleep, but he couldn¡¯t see her. He could however make out the shadow of the old man laying forward in an extremely uncomfortable position dangling off the radiator he was cuffed to.

    ¡°yawn ¡­ Yes,¡± she replied.

    ¡°Where did they go? I think I passed out,¡± he said, trying to roll closer towards her voice in his many shackles.

    ¡°Who''s going?¡±she asked, confused.

    ¡°The knight and medic,¡± groaned Jed.

    ¡°I don¡¯t know.. Where¡¯s papa?¡± she asked.

    ¡°He should be sleeping next to me but it''s too dark to confirm. Are you tied up tightly?¡± Jed asked.

    ¡°Not really I''m way ahead of you, hold on,¡±she said.

    Suddenly a zombie groaned somewhere close. Jed thought it was outside until he heard the chains hooked on the radiator next to him begin to rattle. The sounds intensified as the shadow where the old man had been began to move while his former wheeze returned to life this time much more sinister.

    ¡°Papa?¡± asked Bessie.

    ¡°Grrrrrrrrr,¡± it responded, suddenly lurching forwards.

    Jed rolled onto his back. The zombie inches from his face gnashing its teeth. The old man¡¯s remaining gray hairs fell off in chunks as it salivated for brains. The only light in the room was a capped crystal tooth glowing in the attacker''s mouth. Jed lifted both legs together holding them apart so the chain was by itself in between his boots.Support the creativity of authors by visiting the original site for this novel and more.

    ¡°Brainssssssss,¡± wheezed the zombie. ¡°Chomp,¡± it bit the middle section of the handcuffs.

    ¡°Clink!¡±

    A link of metal fell on Jed¡¯s lap with the bottom section of dentures. He had no time to act in disgust rolling under the deceased family turned enemy. The radiator and floor it was anchored to started loudly protesting ready to break.

    ¡°I¡¯m sorry Bessie, where are you, we need to run?¡± said Jed, crawling through the dark room as far away from the light as he could reach.

    ¡°Hold on man,¡± she fumed, struggling to stretch very uncomfortable angles to free herself.

    ¡°Grrrrrrrrraaah,¡±.

    ¡°I¡¯m sorry,¡± said Jed.

    A flashlight turned on and pointed right at him before it turned to focus on her father. Jed flinched nearby as a gunshot erupted outside.

    ¡°He¡¯s already dead, now it''s time we bury what''s left, and clear the property of scum,¡± sneered Bessie, cringed while the monster salivated over them.

    As it thrashed mad it was restricted from getting brains, however the bolts holding the zombie to the floor had been slowly vibrating, twisting, and turning the entire time. Suddenly the radiator was pulled out along with several boards.As the thing charged forward Bessie tried to open the door. It had been locked from the other side. She turned to see her mutated father charging right for her.

    ¡°Daddy please no,¡± she cried.

    He didn¡¯t slow down and neither did Jed who tackled her to safety at the last second.

    ¡°Smash!¡±

    The charging heavily crystalized zombie smashed right through the wood. It continued dragging the radiator in its wake. The entire house shook as it smashed through the interior balcony and crashed to the floor.

    ¡°Shit I knew he would turn upstairs,¡± a voice yelled.

    ¡°Bang, Bang, Bang!¡±

    At the same time Ned Spit and his men had broken down the front door to escape the zombies pursuing them.The four of them rushed into the living room. They were covered in shit from a protracted battle with the dead on their failed mission to retrieve the gas outside.

    ¡°Hold your fire damn it. Look bullets won¡¯t penetrate its mutated crystal scales,¡± Nate ordered.

    ¡°Where are the others?¡± asked another

    ¡°Hiding or dead I figure..we need to get away from it go upstairs and board up doors and windows with the supplies,¡± called Nate.

    ¡°Watch out they don¡¯t jump out of somewhere and bite you,¡± somebody yelled as they ran upstairs.

    The zombies from outside shambled through the front door slowly clogging the house. Bessie had quickly untied the rest of the ropes around Jed¡¯s arms. They switched rooms somehow creeping to one with a door that they locked without being seen in the firefight.

    She used her flashlight to pry boards off the window to where she knew the way to get to the ground. Jed shuddered looking outside. The visibility through the mist was garbage but there had to be at least hundreds of zombies slowly walking through the wasteland of smoking craters. The heavy zombie shook the house with each slow step up the stairs in pursuit.

    ¡°I think you ought to know your old man told me that he set up an escape vehicle loaded with a shine worth a fortune, either way we are going to need weapons and I also know there¡¯s plenty down there.. Too bad he forgot to tell me the lock combination,¡±

    ¡°I know the code.. Now shh let''s go quickly follow me,¡± she said, gently removing the last of the wood blocking the window.

    She climbed outside as the doorknob behind them started rattling.

    ¡°Who locked this,¡±.

    Jed followed her to walk along the roof. He held the light and her hand lowered her onto the top of the covered porch. The door in the room they had just left was kicked open.

    ¡°Clear,¡± a knight called.

    ¡°Fuck what now?¡± called another.

    ¡°Out that window to the roof we got nowhere else to go,¡±.

    Bessie carefully began climbing down alternating between using a window sill,a drainpipe, and finally the deck railing. She skirted just out of the way from a zombie by hiding inside the hole offered by the basement window well. Jed was trapped on the copper roof because if he moved those standing above him would see him and shoot.  He motioned to Bessie to go forward. She acknowledged and slid the small window open before sliding her body through to the basement. As soon as she entered there was a piercing scream.

    ¡°Shit,¡± said Jed, as he jumped off the roof.

    ¡°Bang,Bang, Bang."

    The cops shot at him as he fell. Jed grabbed onto the deck railing and kicked a zombie in the face. He rolled underneath the arms of the horde diving into the open window.

    Bessie used her flashlight to hold back the zombie leprechaun on top of her. It had a hole in its chest but that didn¡¯t stop it from scratching her while she had her hands full with its teeth.

    ¡°Get bench gun,¡± she hollered, as a tooth broke off biting the metal rod of the flashlight.

    With no time to think more Jed scrambled for a gun. He saw a shotgun and picked it up racking the slide but it wasn¡¯t loaded. He saw the slugs on top of a gun cabinet across the room and sprinted kicking the zombie leprechaun off Bessie and underneath the car. He jumped over the hood.

    ¡±Splat.¡±

    Ratom was curb-stomped with his brains turned to a puddle of mush that coated everything underfoot.

    ¡±Braaaains,¡± groaned a fresh zombie Knight bursting from a monster closet.

    Jed got to the ammo tearing apart the paper box and knocking the rest of the slugs on the floor for the one he loaded.

    ¡°Bang.¡±

    The body collapsed near Bessie who was shaking and unresponsive. Jed grabbed her and threw her into the car. He added the shotgun in the backseat and three boxes of ammo with it. The only other gun he had time to grab was the sub-machine with a drum mag on display. His heart skipped a beat turning the key.

    ¡°VROOOOM, VROOOOOOOOOOOM, VROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!¡±

    The custom car exploded out from out the basement garage plowing over any zombies in its path. Sheriff Nate Spit and the rest of his men started shooting from the roof of the house, but the vehicle was too fast. Jed pushed the pedal all the way to the floor accelerating them out of range in less than four seconds. He swerved past the hole where the barn used to be and onto the straight stretch leading off the property. Where the bridge was out was an easy jump to clear with momentum.

    Jed drove and drove, not willing to risk stopping. It was well past morning now and the deserted countryside looked like nothing had happened. Bessie held her face with a wet rag after waking.

    ¡°We need to get back there so I can bury my father as soon as possible.. The condition is no longer human and the man he was never deserved it. The longer whatever animal keeps lives inside his deceased body.. Sigh the guilt I feel increases,¡± she said.

    ¡°I know, but first I know where we can get paid, and use it for our hospital bills, then return when we are all patched up and finish things for good.. Is that a deal?¡± asked Jed.

    ¡°That¡¯s a deal partner,¡± mumbled Bessie, drifting off again as the adrenaline was wearing off and they were starting to hurt mighty bad.

 105 Million Years Ago

    The tyrannosaurus stomped through the prehistoric wasteland ready for serious business. It¡¯s tummy hurt badly with someone really toxic floating around inside it. The king of lizards carefully moved into foliage covering its farting rear end in leaves in order to take a more private dump.

    ¡°Oooof¡± said Edward stretching out yet another hole with his big head.

    He shot out the enlarged butt gusto that exploded spurts of gravy like liquid. He fell covered in shit while the nearby T-Rex triumphantly roared victoriously relieved to have cleared the sore stomach before it stomped off for something more appetizing than the mutated piece of shit. Edward lay dormant whilst it stomped away for fresher meat.

    ¡°Blah,¡± he said, spitting out excrement. ¡°Grrrrrr,¡±

    As he growled the rage meter built towards its breaking point. Edward blinked over and over but his eyelids couldn¡¯t quite clear the debris. He could hear the jungle outside alright with the animals going hard with squeaking.

    ¡°Icky sticky I''m a sick individual,¡± he grimaced, licking grime off his face with his extended tongue.

    The crust encasing him tasted terrible, but he was soon clean except for his filthy mouth. He rolled forward desperately looking for something to drink. There were tar pits everywhere intermixed between sheets of the bedrock. He saw a crop of coconuts and with quick thinking devised a foolproof plan to get them down to earth.

    ¡°Here goes nothing,¡± his electronic voice box echoed.

    ¡°Sluurp!¡±

    This mutant main charecter had managed to wrap his extra long rock star tongue around a tree. He hauled himself forward using all his reserves of pent up homicidal energy.

    ¡°Crack!¡±

    Just as he had planned the coconuts fell onto his crystal scaled head. His mind went temporarily blank with stars floating circles around his stunned numbed skull. Edward¡¯s rage was lowered due to the direct hit similar to the electroshock therapy he used to get as a child.

    Edward finally looked down to find a nut split open leaking fluid. He stuck his tongue right inside the coconut and lapped it up to get rid of the shit in his mouth. He let out a massive burp rolling through the grass. The ducks flew away as fast as possible quaking up a fuss. Edward growled again due to being hungry. There had to be his preferred prey running around out here somewhere. He was born to be a man eating predator when the alternative was boredom or worse the prey.

    Edwards'' teeth cut through the grass like a buzz-saw as his tongue pulled him along fast. Things were going smoothly again for this monster. It was a good thing he had adapted to become so antisocial with everyone trying to put him in his place. Well now he had broken free from the latest laboratory, hooked up with what must have been a god, and given a quest to reap 1 million souls. He intended to fulfill the quota by grinding it out on anything necessary.

    The mutant head soared over a plant dinosaur sleeping in a water puddle. The next pitstop was a rock whacked into at full force. There he fell to the ground, temporarily knocked out. He remembered the fond memory of his very first time. He had been in school getting stuff out of his locker when he thought he heard somebody laughing at him behind his back. He turned expecting to find what he figured was a bully trying to get the best of him. There was nobody in the hall except a shadow gone in a flash.

    He found the culprit later that day. The high school had taken him back in after the moral panic he had caused had now calmed enough to return to civilian life. Stolen from its original source, this story is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

    Things were normal again and he had a swim meet after hours. He was doing his laps for the contest in the pond when something grabbed his legs and pulled him underwater. Edward was being drowned by somebody. He kicked and kicked, feeling his feet hit the head of another human until the threat stopped trying to kill him. When he returned to the surface gasping for air he headed right to the sidelines pulling himself out of the water a panicked mess. The pool water was cleared, nothing was found, and he was disqualified from the contest never to swim again.

    With all this happening to him Edward who normally only talked to his many siblings became a paranoid freak. He no longer even trusted any of them except the very closest in his band. They must have been conspiring to get him locked up in the asylum again.

    He walked the bleak school grounds by himself. There was a breeze and all the orange leaves had fallen. The tension to something was building. He knew he was being watched, or going crazy. There weren''t any other options. He set his backpack on a wooden picnic bench and opened up revealing a cluttered disarray of loose papers. Art and History was the only classes he wasn''t failing horribly.

    The good news was the paranoia paid off when a gang cornered him naked in the locker room. Edward felt the adrenaline surging, jerking his muscles as it ran into his heart like a high voltage charge. His face lit in shit eating grin of defiance as the other boys cracked their knuckles. There hadn¡¯t been much point crying about things for a long time now. He felt alright pulling out a knife.

    The group of four circled around awkwardly trying to build their courage for the first attack like a pack of wild animals. Logically it was time to strike first and ruthlessly to establish dominance before they could think of any better ideas. Edwards'' heart beat out of his chest in ecstasy in blood-lust as he lunged forward stabbing the nearest boy in the arm. He let go leaving the blade sticking out. His eyes had gotten primarily serious about the task of beating the brakes off the next kid. He tackled the next victim kicking, punching and screaming in the bathroom.

    The things being a royal you could get covered up Edward chuckled to himself. He had woke up from the complicated dreams back in the prehistoric age. He had a lot of souls to harvest to escape. He rolled down a little back past thick foliage thinking it was only a little bank. He had been wrong about that.

    He clanged between the rocks like lost change on the street. Then his head rolled, bounced, and ate dirt. At least Edward had grown accustomed to the chaos of being out of control.

    ¡°Wait a second if I was gonna die it would have happened already..This ugly ass body of mine needs to be abused to level up. I¡¯ve figured out the secret to cultivating myself is self destruction,¡± he yelled to himself falling through the air too long now.

    ¡°AAAAAAAAAAAA,,¡± screeched Edward, looking down a mountain.

    There were huts and wafts of smoke from a city of tents below. A bunch of cavemen, women, and cave children minding their own business when something fell out of the sky. It hit a hut and ripped a big hole in the fabric. The tribe cautiously circled the alien that had tumbled into their mist. The smell of strange chemicals made them close off their neanderthal noses. The bravest warriors inched forward with weapons drawn. There was guttural growling going on inside the tent. The tribe prepared for the worst.

    The caveman wearing only a loincloth pushed aside the tent flap. Inside the smoke was thick causing a coughing fit. At the back of the tent where the shrine had been laid the creature. A strange head knocked out cold on their sacred crystal composed of all 13 colors. It glowed and hummed with energy for the first time in a long time.

    Outside the ground quaked threatening to erupt like the volcano on the other side of the valley. A slow sludgy sinister inevitable energy filled the air.

    ¡°Farc off troglodyte you''ll never take me alive,¡± a digitized voice played monotone from inside.

    There were whispers that quickly spread away from the epicenter of evil. One by one the cave people dropped to worship. They bowed and chanted while drummers began pounding giant turtle shells to a groovy bass-line from two strings fastened to a branch above a hollowed out rock.

    The monster began to spark, scaring back the closest worshipers. Edward opened one eye and grinned.

    ¡°I really am the most privileged person to ever exist haha damn am a rock god too bad I don¡¯t have hands to make the horns with anymore, but otherwise I think I''m in paradise yes,¡± he barked disrupting the peace out an amplified electric voice-box.

 106: Cultivation King

    A demonic cut off head crash landed into the realm of dinosaurs and many other secrets yet to be revealed. The extended cultivated [rockstar tongue] rampaged throughout the burning village. A fallen prince mutated beyond recognition. The monster rolled between rocks as he caught a flying chicken he choked. Edward no longer had a long bottom so he rolled his noggin while a plastic magic stomach trailed among his dragged entrails. He could level up by eating souls and had to collect one million as his ultimate quest.

    When it was completed to revive the creature known as Mule inside him. The thing seemed to want a boyfriend while he just wanted to escape to have more fun destroying the next realm. They could probably work out a mutual fling again, but Edward was a control freak at being the leader of his harem. A being that powerful made him insecure unless he could break it. If he was smart he would get as strong as possible himself before then.

    In the meantime he was hungry, foul, and restless. His headache was throbbing and his crystallizing exterior melted down to whatever bones remained inside. He felt gross and as ugly inside as out. It sucked here without technology or crystal cultivation powder n pills. Everything hurt so very wrong with a fever and the cure was that he needed to be sedated into rock n roll meditation to ecstatic revelations.

    ¡°Gobble.¡±

    Another dude was swallowed whole.

    ¡°Mmm I need to consume everything until I am fat enough to meditate to the next level then rage again,¡± Edward smiled a mouth full of shark teeth that had regrown since last time he bit off more than he could chew.

    The weird system the elementals had installed inside him offered persistent upgrades. The big issue was figuring them out because nothing was explained. By complete accident he had discovered he needed to survive ten explosions for explosive immunity and his tongue got more vicious with more use.

    Great thing he was in the stone age and could do whatever he pleased. Too bad he just had a head and had to make due with his tongue. Whatever, there must be a lot of cool things he could do with his rolling ball to upgrade as well.

    ¡°Whack!¡±

    A shot rock dinged into an eye knocking out vision.

    With one open he sped for cover as a volley of projectiles smacked the ground behind. The attackers he spotted as a group of goat ropers winding their slingshots whilst riding onboard charging horns. Hundreds more cavepeople gathered their clubs and grunted as they gathered in the gallows against the threat.

    Edward shot out his extended tongue just like he had done long ago with his hook while he was less along the monster elevation. He was airborne over the cave, people with shocked mouths hanging open drooling. He tried to kiss a pretty cavewomen who ducked at the last second and Edward kissed the goat she rode instead. There were screams (mostly his own) as he bounced from the rooftop eventually pushing somebody folding loincloths on a rooftop clothesline over the edge.

    He went zipping back through the air with iron will to win at any cost. Cave people ran for cover except a little kid calmly meditating on the sunbleached mat on the rooftop. The mutant pulled itself forward.

    ¡°You there weak god don¡¯t fuck with the sect,¡± taunted the pipsqueak voice

    ¡°Slap!¡±

    The nimble attacker faster than the wind smacked him and dashed away instantly. Edward¡¯s remaining eye was very bloodshot as his rage meter maxed and both opened pure bright red.

    ¡°RAAAEEEEEEEEEE!¡±

    The crystal mutated tongue swept the deck like the tentacles of a giant squid. Arrows, clubs, and swords did absolutely nothing to penetrate the creature. Edward rolled forward off the roof.

    ¡°Crunch.¡±

    He crushed a bodybuilder caveman underneath his rawhide. The blue soul from the dead flew in his wake before he stopped to change direction and it was absorbed inside. That was only thirty or collected so far. He had a very long road ahead to reach a million.

    ¡°Who did that?¡± he screeched, blindly lashing around like a wildebeest.

    ¡°I¡¯m right here you lame loser blah pffff,¡± spit the youngster in a martial arts robe jumping between the top of a huts fast enough to windrun.

    ¡°Damn kid, what gives you so much arrogance anyway?¡± asked the monster, turning his gaze.

    ¡°Little meatball with pink eye. Just wait until you anger OSMA.¡±

    ¡°Who?¡± asked Edward.

    ¡°Our clan leader, who has cultivated tiger powers, tries to battle her. I double dog dare you,¡± said the child, pointing towards where the heavens met towering cliffs far above.

    ¡°Yeah kid keep shit talking. Hey yeah take me to your master so I can bring them to their knees,¡± boasted Edward, licking his lips.

    ¡°Sure to catch me if you can¡­ HEY by the way I fucked your mother last night HAHHAHA,¡± taunted the young master of words running for the hills.

    ¡°That¡¯s it no more nice god I''m burning all the crops after I farm bodies for my farcing quest,¡± fumed Edward, spitting chunks of filth at the retreating enemies.This book''s true home is on another platform. Check it out there for the real experience.

    He spotted that punk kid running away through bamboo. Towering in the distance was a massive mountain. That was the location of the final boss, but first he needed to beat up some easier targets to boost his stats.

    People ran away from their burning homes into the jungle. The monster rolled the empty streets with little grub in his belly to show for it. Between dinos and humans they were too much work for the volume he needed. His mind flashed to the idea of becoming an anteater in order to cheese. Being a lone predator was exhausting. Maybe it was time to start a cult around himself to make cultivating easier. The common people wouldn¡¯t obey until their current idol was destroyed. It was time to search and destroy the weaker masters until he got the prize.

    He slithered through a garden searching for something to do. His mind was wobbling around before spinning in and out of focus. The lens flare, bloom and god rays were out of control. The colors in this realm were extremely saturated causing foliage to look alien. Suddenly a cloud blocked out the single sun. The ground thumped causing the puddle to bounce.

    ¡°Oh boy, I bet it''s another hungry T-Rex. Well bring it on bitch,¡± said Edward.

    ¡°CRACK!¡±

    Two massive cavewomen stood looking unimpressed. One cracked her knuckles as the other folded muscular arms. They both smoked primitive unsmoked cigarettes and wore pink and purple bathrobes.

    ¡°Which one of you twins is the boss around here?¡± asked Edward.

    The ladies remained scowling. One eventually raised a unibrow turning to point at the community bulletin board. The first announcement read ¡°landladies just married¡± and below that another ¡°friendly announcement if you don¡¯t pay rent things hurt bad.

    ¡°Huh I defeated the worst of the worst and you troglodytes think you have a chance hah,¡± laughed Edward.

    The two landladies looked at each other before they lit each other''s fresh cancer stick. Next the strongest grabbed onto the shorter and threw her up into the heavens. Fast drumming began to groove out of nowhere from the peanut gallery that also hooted and hollered with every punch. One of the home town heroes started belly dancing in the smoke while the other seemed to float. She angled her belly and tilted her hips as the other came back home to mama.

    ¡°Bounce,¡± the buoyant belly sent her sumo wrestling mate flying towards the target.

    ¡°Kerplunk!¡±

    Edward was hit and sent spinning away like a pool ball. He sputtered out of control into the gutters before shooting down the pocket of an ancient water system. He cleared the pipes of shit being dragged underground scraping the tunnels. He could do nothing to stop it being forced down his throat. He shot out of the tubes into a large body of water and floated straight to the surface out of the sewer into the leach field going out cold from impact.

    The soaking wet crystal scaled meatball whimpered defeated next to a pond. He had detoxed many times before, but this time was different. It was a hurt that went deeper than even his cancer continuing to eat away at his core. Perhaps the culprit was he was far away from the home he preferred to terrorize. These neanderthals lived in badlands of constant danger and that meant he was on the weaker end of the food chain of predators.

    His heart no longer existed so why was he feeling so many phantom pains screaming for another creature''s comfort. A mental image of the shadow master touching him again with its pleasure filled squid tendrils floating through the void with a muted sound like being underwater except no pressure. The thing in his stomach sending out lullabies to lure it back out with the completion of the quest for a million souls. He must resist the master of nothing and get stronger all by himself.

    ¡°Cough, spit, GRRR time for round two,¡± he yelled, launching his dirty tongue towards trouble.

    The arena smelled like gasoline and bad dreams. The village made of clay/rock huts burned as the dead rested. A rolling mutant monster had rolled around looking for trouble in the prehistoric realm and found it. Edward the freshly reincarnated monster had angered many cultivators much further along the path despite their appearances being primitive as fuck.

    ¡°Man I really wish I wasn¡¯t sober to face myself,¡± moaned Edward, staring at his distorted reflection in the water of a puddle. ¡°My ego can¡¯t accept that I am not the very best of the best. Farc I''m getting clobbered out there I wish the creature inside me wasn¡¯t waiting on a quest completion to reactivate.¡±

    The prehistoric realm full of dinosaurs, cavemen and a tiger cultivator had no hooch to make thinking easier. On the other hand he found himself bouncing between two coochies after re-entering the ring in round two of the battle. It resumed as he was fisted through a rockwall and into the ass of the 2nd opponent who farted right in his face.

    ¡°Ding! Survive 6 more explosions to upgrade!¡± announced the strange system the elementals had installed into his monstrous inner core beneath the hardened exterior shell.

    ¡°Yeah keep farting and level me up ladies hahah,¡± laughed Edward fully in his element.

    The lesbian land ladies were pissed he had destroyed their revenue stream and intended to destroy him in return.

    ¡°WHAM-O!¡±

    He was losing badly tossed heads or tails between themselves before one started dribbling him like a basketball. .

    ¡°OW, Ow, OW!¡± screeched Edward, with every hit on the ground.

    A layup of him into a fruit basket and quickly fished him out before he could run away.

    Edward had met his makers who were ranked 8 in sumo wrestling and 11 in being slumlords. One of the big boned neanderthals grunted on seeing an opening and he was passed off for the last time. They carried him into a sprint rapidly gaining speed as the ground shook underneath. Suddenly the wind whistled as they jumped high in the air. Edward looked down and became scared seeing a hundred foot drop only getting higher.

    He had tried to use his [Rockstar Tongue] ability but they had countered by winding him around and around until the extended body part wrapped all around him. They tried their best to bait him into bitting it off himself, but he was at least smarter than that. Next it was tied in a bow making him look like a ball of yarn. They fell together with Edward on bottom.

    It was lights out as a belly flopped on top crushing the living daylights and snuffing the sun.

    Suddenly there was a predatory hiss from the tall grass. Edward needed to blow off steam with the masculine need to cut grass (that was his excuse for a retreat to lick his wounds like a cat anyway).. He gassed himself up and sped forward in a special way to cause enough friction from his armored scales to leave a trail of smoldering blades in his wake.

    The ground shook as tons of kilograms standing perhaps 4 meters tall a giant wild goose entered the battlefield in a random encounter blocking the route.

    ¡°Hey bird squawk off! Can¡¯t you see I''m trying to take a break from being beaten,¡± grumbled. Edward, steaming with being a loser.

    ¡°Honk, Honk, Honk!¡± replied the attacking Garganornis Ballmanni adding insult to injury.

    Edward soared through the air and landed next to.the big bird raising his wings into an aggro attacking flapping.

    ¡°WHACK!¡±

    He was beaten into the ground as a pin shadow gradually got bigger and a whistling bomb fell for impact.

    ¡°WHAM-O!¡±

    The falling big butt dropped on top of the villainous mutant prince from a long fall from the sky and it looked like he was crushed for good. In reality Edward was digging through the dirt by eating aggressively. He dug a tunnel cutting with crystal teeth and munching ruff down his magic unlimited cavity throat.

 107: Happy Ever After?

    The bootlegging car might have had a supercharger under the hood however it remained stuck in traffic. A motorcycle flying past carried six weaving through the fine lines. The music blaring from a series of lifted limos bringing in Crazin guests loaded for the wedding. Another car made of nothing but sparkling crystal doubled as a lowrider that ground away any unfortunate terrain underneath like a cheese-grater underneath.

    ¡°Dangit, this wedding is going to set records and I hate crowds and cities like nothing else,¡± said Jed, punching the steering wheel in frustration.

    ¡°Awe you humbug we¡¯ll be fine after getting to the hospital, chill and listen to the radio,¡± said Bessie.

    ¡°Fuck it you need medical attention yesterday this is still bad,¡± yelled Jed.

    ¡°Shut up dude already it won¡¯t change what time we get to the hospital.¡±

    He was cut off by the screams before a chugging breakdown of deathcore (It was D.D.P¡¯s first album before they sold their souls).

    ¡°This is cutting up your family members crap, turn that off, don''t you like a groove found in country western music or soothing an already agitated soul with relaxing miracle raps,¡± complained Jed, reaching to change the dial.

    ¡°Hey I love all genres while you sir are very close minded,¡± said Bessie, slapping him away from changing her favorite angst ridden terrible teenage tunes.

    ¡°I just have good taste in music,¡± observed Jed.

    The current music went ¡°RARAHRAAAAAAAAA!¡± right in his tinnitus scared ears.

    ¡°BEEP!¡± added a tailgating vintage truck to the assembly mix while the blast beats rattled his skull and bones.

    ¡°AAAA,¡± screamed Jed, giving another driver the finger as more and more cars started beeping back. ¡°I might as well shoot the planet to contribute to the racket!¡± he spit.

    ¡°Control yourself clearly Jed you are not equipped to handle anything in a city compared to where on back dirt roads you are max level,¡± said Bessie, petting the driver on the shoulders she rubbed to soothe. ¡°Hey pull over to the shoulder there. My bad to bother you, let''s listen to talk radio to calm us,¡± she took over, changing the channel.

    Jed stared off into space stuck with a bad mood he could not shake. He had some kind of vague idea, something stunk. The car stopped at a pull off directly next to the highway letting other cars fill in the gridlocked gap.

    ¡°Stop!¡± he screamed, grabbing Bessie, before she could touch the door handle.

    She jumped in her seatbelt. ¡°What the farc is up with you man?¡±

    ¡°Look,¡± he pointed to cars speeding past like a race flag had been waved on the suddenly cleared highway.

    ¡°I wasn¡¯t getting out.Woah traffic cleared in an instant like magic,¡± she said, sliding the passenger seat all the way back and climbing into the rear atop crates of juice.

    ¡°Shit we¡¯re a sitting duck on the shoulder and if somebody taps us all the cargo is going to splat with us right before the finish line fuck,¡± raged Jed.

    He was lucky enough to glance in the rearview and spot rapidling incoming danger.

    ¡°Hold on to something dear, we gotta go fast.¡±

    ¡°VROOOM!¡±

    He revved it up over a hundred. The vehicle shot forward right before the incoming semi truck could swipe them. The bootleg bottles hidden in the trunk rattled while they sped onto the highway rapidly accelerating. The big block engine roared into overdrive narrowly merging between tight packed zooming traffic.

    ¡°Today on relationship central we got many callers talking about their no good cheating partners, but first let¡¯s chat about men controlling women with their rage.¡± said the single mono speaker in the vehicle.

    Bessie got closer and listened with satisfaction while Jed rolled his eyes. The traffic slowly inched into the veins of the city as the AC blasted them with engine breeze.

    ¡°Buy, Eat, Repaste green goop with added gruel of dick hardener and a year''s supply of fecal stool changers and vitamin d deposits ordered now to fully complete your optimization,¡± pushed the studio''s resident on-call witch doctor.

    ¡°Damn can¡¯t wait to optimize myself into a jackass, hey let¡¯s listen to rock n roll Bessie bet you like that same as me,¡± interrupted Jed.

    ¡°Yeah not dad rock,¡± snorted Bessie.

    ¡°My dad didn¡¯t listen to anything and never owned a radio, said it was all noise and I had to sneak records and hide them under the floorboards whenever he was home, but anyway he was right all along if this is the drivel we gotta be stuck listening too,¡± said Jed.Unauthorized content usage: if you discover this narrative on Amazon, report the violation.

    ¡°Ah ok rock is rebellious to old head you like asylum pop was to us,¡± replied Bessie.

    ¡°What in the farc is that? And I ain¡¯t that old twenty four.¡±

    ¡°Well you act ancient,¡± she said.

    ¡°Whatever and that nuthouse genre is probably a lame gimmick, The traditional genres already cover all the bases,¡± said Jed.

    ¡°Well the asylums became run by the inmates who used scraps to build a hidden recording studio and makeshift instruments then added autotune croons of their painful human conditions they suffered while making new sounds.¡±

    ¡°Wow uh crazy you must have been bored growing up all alone on the farm,¡± said Jed.

    ¡°Yeah well we had a town and small grade school of 50 kids, but no high school for me let alone academy all taught from papa or the library,¡± boasted Bessie.

    ¡°Hey I didn¡¯t graduate high school either, well didn¡¯t really have a choice of being conscripted into the army,¡± said Jed, shifting into fifth gear.

    ¡°Hey I gotta G.E.D. I¡¯ll help you get started.¡±

    The car followed hundreds of others entering the tunnel underneath the city. The light in the cabin darkened and the max blasting cold air shooting from the AC began to sting. Jed studied the map like his life depended on it in the passenger seat. They later parked outside a hotdog stand. Bessie grabbed a box stacked with steaming grub through the window.

    ¡°Fuck man we are so close and just need to find the wedding venue,¡± groaned Jed.

    ¡°We will find it. Here hold these,¡± Bessie said, dropping the takeout tray containing six loaded chili dogs, curly seasoned fries, fried clams, and onion rings.

    Jed¡¯s stomach growled and moaned, feeling the hot plate underneath it. He dipped the first victim into a jumbo sized tub of ketchup and dug in.

    They heard the wedding long before they saw it. The streets bounced from the bass of party beats. A massive tent had been pitched in the center of the city under a crane holding a disco ball. There was a sweet smell of barbecue and people were celebrating.

    ¡°Let¡¯s get in and out, before they mistake us for an entree,¡± said Bessie.

    Jed nodded his head in agreement. The car drove past Slyman valets handling stuffed luggage staining through. He gulped as they entered the point of no return in a checkpoint. A barrier blocked the front and another had suddenly boxed in the rear. There were no other humans anywhere to be seen.

    ¡°Gulp were sitting ducks.¡±

    ¡°No ducks are much safer around here slurp,¡± drooled the Crazin guard.

    ¡°Hello,¡± bowed Bessie. ¡°We bring wedding refreshments in the back on a special quest granting us immunity from being eaten I hope.¡±

    ¡°OH you guys.. You''re very late, but should make it just in time go go go, I''ll phone ahead and tell them you''re coming to get the cash ready..Park in the loading zone out back,¡± yelled the guard, lowering the gate from the booth.

    Without having to be told twice Jed stepped on the gas and got them out of there. They passed underneath the shadow of a giant clock tower casting its spell over a line waiting outside to enter. A long trickle of Crazins willing entered the intestines of the industrial bowls. The purple glowing windows on the top floor pulsed as previously bleak buildings burst into colorful jellyfish like veins over the entire exterior.

    ¡°Huh of all places to have a wedding this is one,¡± thought Jed aloud.

    ¡°Even to us this is pretty exotic architecture, admit it,¡± said Bessie.

    ¡°Sure,¡± admitted Jed.

    "Look there''s a chunk of moon on the roof of the clock," she pointed in awe.

    They narrowly pinched between two buses and stopped at an intersection. Both occupants gawked at the chunk of space debris lighting with the same energy as the rest of the tower.

    ¡°Where now?¡±

    ¡°Look down that dark alley it says loading and unloading zone,¡± said Bessie.

    The large unit of a muscle car ground the paint as it passed a dumpster. Above them the big clock hands slowly inched upwards to fall again representing a forever function. The threatening close quarters concealed fears of unknown death as the big hand struck the next hour. Deep within the tower an electronic bell blasted out the marking of the next step towards the grave.

    ¡°Gulp,¡± said Bessie.

    Their car headed down a ramp before turning to get in line behind an idling moving truck. A group of workers unloaded the next van after that of cheese wheels. They were done and out of the picture. The moving truck pulled up and the back slid up revealing couches.

    ¡°Shoot those are gonna take awhile to unload,¡± complained Jed.

    ¡°Knock,knock, knock!¡±

    Both occupants nearly shit themselves.

    ¡°Hey roll down the window,¡± said a woman dressed in strange clothing.

    ¡°Yeah hey look there are other people here without being eaten,¡± said Bessie, rolling down the window.

    ¡°It¡¯s a great honor for me to serve myself as a voluntary tribute, but until then I must serve the juice,¡± said the human sacrifice.

    ¡°Oh the quest cargo is in the trunk,¡± Bessie blurted.

    ¡°And the reward?¡± asked Jed, tilting his head ready to rumble in case things hit the fan.

    ¡°Tap,tap!¡±

    ¡°Right here is the prize for completing the quest well done,¡± said a man also dressed in the flowery beads of giving up all ego.

    A heavy duty locked briefcase was handed through the window and a tiny key thrown in after. Jed scrambled until he could find it. Bessie¡¯s heart beat like crazy as the last creations of her father sat in jars. The unloading process felt like it took an eternity. It was like the big clock sitting above the loading zone was casting a slowing spell. Jed peaked into the briefcase confirming they had been paid what was owed.

    ¡°All set,¡± said the woman outside, giving a thumbs up.

    ¡°Wanna stay with us till the end?¡± asked the sacrificial man.

    A Crazin ran into the area to sample a bottle from the many stacked in wooden boxes. He unscrewed the lid and gulped 16oz down the hatch in one go.

    ¡°Buurp. Farc me that¡¯s the best jungle juice I ever tasted. Humans are such a good species,¡± he said, as his tattoos glowed into overdrive activated by the supernatural brew.

    ¡°No thanks, we are gonna take the money and run,¡± said Bessie.

    The confetti erupted as the car burned rubber out of the area.

    ¡°Now to get some much needed medical care and a fucking vacation,¡± said Jed.

    They struggled navigating the bowls of downtown packed with guests staying for the big event. There was red lights, full crosswalks, and loaded buses. Jed got out and was almost hit asking for directions only to be yelled at. Eventually they paid a small few and entered the parking garage of the hospital. The car locked up, but the big prize carried the prize tied around his wrist. Bessie and Jed entered into the emergency room.

    Inside the hospital the receptionist greeted them.

    "We need urgent care," explained Bessie.

    "The best package?" asked the clerk.

    "The very best whatever the material cost I want health," explained Jed showing the cash.

    "Come right on in," announced the friendly waving of a Dr. Slyman.

 108: Techno-Rock Witch-Doctors

    The waiting room spun around with blades of three ceiling fans made of bones of unknown origin. A poster of traffic signposted the pedestrian slow jazz played riffing for an extended ten minute loop as if to rub salt in their wounds.Two injured people slumped into chairs heavily breathing and holding on for life. The pain hit hard with their grievous wounds sustained barely surviving large sums of untreated traumas. This hospital looked empty and yet the picture kept distorting as if magic was projecting the veil of normal.

    Bessie and Jed had collapsed in the emergency room after using everything to escape the night of the triple threats. First the falling asteroids from an exploding moon, then being captured by the sheriff¡¯s men before finally being attacked on the farm by the living dead. They were the lucky ones although Jed had his suspicions that his old friend Mule was alive.

    ¡°Ty6 the payment has cleared you may heal them to 100%,¡± a mysterious voice commanded out of nowhere.

    ¡°Dingdong!¡± Rang a gong.

    ¡°Hello patients and thank you for waiting. I am the AI secretary of this legendary operation. The techno-rock-doctors will now see you. Please follow the glowing green arrow illuminated on the floor,¡± said the robot.

    The monotone artificial voice played over the speakers muddying the jazz. The lights dimmed as a smoke detector chirped and the green arrows coated the glossy floors in flashing glows that appeared to linger. The AI finally found the right security camera in the ceiling and zoomed in before enhancing it down to study the patient''s pores.

    ¡°Oh no you appear too weak to walk, hold on,¡± The boring tone continued droning on.

    Something about it was phony enough that it was like the perfect artificial whistle to piss off anything with ears.The hairs on the back of Jed¡¯s neck stood up as he heard miniature spinning blades moving through the air. He wanted to run away and his body ignored the alarm bells because it was too distracted from the pain caused by a bad knee.

    ¡°Squeak, squeaky, squeak!¡±

    A self rolling hospital bed wheeled out from the shadows.

    ¡°Squeak, squeaky, squeak!¡±

    And here comes an even squeaker one in tow. The beds tipped and burdock shackles extended like tentacles scooping up both heroes too weak to resist the incoming aid that would cost much of their fortune just to stay alive. However they had to remember that no amount of money mattered to a zombie. So they might as well pay the exorbitant fees even if they lost their minds in the process.

    Whatever remained of the briefcase full of cash remained unmolested for now and shackled swinging from Jed''s arm. The extended adventures had grown into some serious mental troubles that kept him paranoid and restless. He was self aware enough to realize he was burnt out to the maximum, but at least he had gotten handsomely paid by the finish line. A final rest crept back into the picture as doors swung closed behind them, His place here a necessary choice made on the quest. Without magic their broken bodies were only human and so these horrors had to happen to progress with a good life going forward. It''s too bad the goop plaguing his mind couldn''t be messaged out.

    Bessie meanwhile dreamed of nothing but revenge. She would be returning ASAP home to the farm at any cost and avenging her fallen father. In due time there would be redemption, but for now she remained disturbed by bad dreams of his final moments. The zombie that took over her dads body after he was killed was not him. Its actions are not his and needed to rest. It suddenly dawned just how scary the mental scarring of using the crystals to heal psychical wounds and fighting the upcoming battle was going to be. The price of revenge couldn¡¯t be hitting her more in the head, but there was no other logical path forward. Too bad they were only human and would never fully function again without bad magic. She grit her teeth and prepared for the worst. Hopefully this was a knockout procedure.

    ¡°BASS DROP!¡±

    The horrified patients rolled through hanging tarps composed of rotting compost into a claustrophobic enclosure filled with shadowy figures manipulating controllers.The cyborg witch doctors rose from the floor in choreographed fashion, They snapped into the picture with static shock X¡¯s, and stars of pulsing sonic metal. Their version of the chromo-zone robot dance was terrifying. They were covered in mossy organic motherboards connected to fleshy veins attached with fresh polished prehistoric chrome medical equipment for arms or legs. Unfortunately their bolts were in the beginning stages of rust.

    As the dance continued the scalpels and bone saws were dipped in vats of bubbling acid. They looked brand new when raised but the sickly scent of heavy duty cleaner and formaldehyde gave away the cover up of the rotting cyborg underside. A shrub grew from one rock doctor''s crystal head while another dragged behind roots planted into the walls from crystal mutation. They all had severe scales covering any exposed flesh like reptiles and while all goons had unique features they all were connected to the mainframe in some manner.

    At the furthest table steam poured from the combination of an air/zombie crystal plugged in a scent booster infesting the atmosphere with extra spooky particles and the doctors psychic orders.A thick outer shell of bark was retracted revealing the heart of the hospital¡¯s operations deeper inside. Blinding flashing neon bulbs red, green. and white mixed with a urine like yellow filter that made the picture muddier.

    The sparkling operating room l looked like a basement dance floor that filled to the brim with alien horrors to their human minds. Hundreds of thousands of drone dragonflies flashed as the hard techno beat began to shake liquid tubes. A spider¡¯s web taped together a collection of turbocharged crystals all 13 types harnessed together from the ceiling. The power concentrated into person sized cylinders holding patients comatose plugged into the organic mainframe wagging around in grotesque fashion. So many exposed organs beating to the doctor¡¯s songs slowly fixed by wires in murky liquid bottles.

    ¡°This ain¡¯t no human hospital what the fuck have we gotten ourselves into,¡± said Jed.

    ¡°It is what it is,¡± muttered Bessie, too weakened from her injuries previously sustained to further protest.

    "SLUUUUUURP!"

    A disgusting sound caused by thick slime sludge oozing down the walls lowering two clear crystal pods. The faint hum accompany automatic pod doors popping open in unison. A sunflower wand shoved in Jed¡¯s face triggering him to cough. The fruitiest scent ever concocted shoved down his throat making him laugh and try to dance in bed. He flashes forward in time influenced by drugs laying down before crashing out.

    It was time for the rock doctors to go to work. The techno turned industrial, clamping them with metal instruments. Only one doctor still had human hands heavily mutated while the rest used either cold medical instruments or pine-cones instead of latex gloves.

    The room filled with anchored orbs buzzing with powerful energies bouncing off the walls between millions in an eventual loop. The walls reeked of funny smelling gas, medical mishaps, and madcap laughter. The rock doctors beamed x-rays deep into their skeletons.Stolen from its rightful author, this tale is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

    He passed out unable to fight any longer. The bad dreams seemed to become real. A dissociated out of body experience of the operation continued in a hazy third person view. The power surge continued repairing skin and cartilage with high voltage magic. The procedures accelerated without painkillers as the broken leg snapped back into place. Every painful second pulsed with the flashing lights forming a sick seizure.

    The strange surgeons remained mostly the same in the dream version of life. They communicated through beeping headsets with boom mics working away, wore wired vests full of circuits and exposed chips on their motherboards. Each had hollowed crystal balls for helmets that received a lucky jolt if selected to be next in the chain of 0101¡¯s. Plastic gloves manual made sure the healing was going well while snapping a bone back into place. Another sewed stitches with robot fingers applying top of line disinfectant. The bass dropped like an elevator sabotaged with explosives as they all stopped to let the head doctor enter the picture

    ¡°Beep, Beep!¡± the technology doctors said, while collectively spinning up their various appliances.

    Later following a boring montage of slow rehabilitation magic that lasted what must have been a week. They were both sleeping soundly having avoided any electroshock therapy. Still the rock doctors used their strong smelling salts to keep them docile. when suddenly woken by the staff.

    ¡°The AI determined you are healthy, thank you very much for staying and paying come again soon!¡±

    ¡°Woosh!¡±

    The hospital beds they were sleeping on tipped towards open vents releasing Jed just as he woke up.

    ¡°AAAAAA," he screamed, falling down a giant tube.

    The partners in crime entered the parking garage feeling good restored to practically perfect health. Jed and Bessie wore matching bland tan sweat outfits.. He grunted, pulling open a metal dumpster to throw the empty quest reward container. What had taken them so long to get reduced to bills stuffing a fat wallet because neither had health insurance.

    ¡°I¡¯m sorry about the trouble I¡¯ve caused you,¡± said Jed, climbing into the driver''s seat of the plain looking, but supercharged turbo bootlegging vehicle built by Bessie''s deceased father.

    ¡°It is what it is, we''ve had a long string of bad luck you didn¡¯t bring anything,¡± sighed Bessie.

    Jed gripped the steering wheel with a hand while dripping with sweat. He gulped down water from a plastic cup on doctor''s orders.

    ¡°We have two options and it¡¯s up to you little lady,¡± frowned Jed turning the key the big block engine road to life shaking the frame and non padded bucket seats. ¡°I¡¯m gonna leave you the money to help you buy a new place or we can go back to the farm and face the heat for revenge,¡± he finished already knowing the answer.

    Bessie frowned as her eyes pierced through the dark alleys surrounding the vehicle.

    ¡°Let¡¯s go do some shopping,¡± she said.

    ¡°We should have enough left for quite the arsenal, plus the stuff hidden in the trunk,¡± said Jed, putting on his jacket from the trunk.

    With the jungle juice traded in there was nothing but a few guns hidden in storage with the spare tire. Bessie put on shades in the driver seat.

    ¡°Good I hate driving in the city,¡± said Jed.

    ¡°Vroom.¡±

    The ground was covered in snow and every street went underneath towering trees removed from leaves letting three suns into the picture. Bessie turned on the blinker outside the ¡°gun store¡± that was sandwiched between a ¡°liquor store¡± and the red lit ¡°strip mall¡± that was mostly taken for a gentleman''s club. The car pulled directly to the parking spot closest to the front of the establishment.

    ¡°Sniff that smells like baked beans and pork fat,¡± exclaimed Bessie, before slamming the car door.

    ¡°In and out, can¡¯t spend too much if we still want to afford anything to make money on the land once we take it back,¡± cautioned Jed, gently closing the passenger door.

    ¡°You are putting the cart before the mule,¡±

    ¡°Sigh it¡¯s been nothing but bad luck since my buddy went, we need to figure out how to gather more allies somehow, maybe move my family across the lands.¡±

    ¡°Hey scatterbrain, let''s invest to win a shootout or at least get as many of those bastards as possible,¡± she scolded spit on the ground. ¡°I¡¯m focused on one goal. Are you ready to pay the ultimate cost with me if things get tits up?¡±

    Jed gulped. ¡°I¡¯ve got my own personal stake in this, that sheriff and his men killed my best friend Fred,¡± a tear ran from his eyes. ¡°I don¡¯t have anyone else nor enough resources to go on my own anyhow so thus I am committed to being a business partner like we talked about mam, so that we can both grow the investment,¡± said Jed, opening the door to the store for her.

    ¡°Please stop being so corny,¡± teased Bessie, making a gag motion.

    ¡°Sigh maybe I should grow some super GMO corn to get rich once we finish this drama for good,¡±

    ¡°Hello, can I help you?¡± Boomed an aggressive voice.

    A massive belly with red cheeks and white whiskers was dressed like a stuffed cranberry in Elven clothing. The big man stood behind the counter and front of an arsenal that decorated the entire wall. Bessie looked around the shop with a deeply confused look.

    ¡°What¡¯s wrong?¡± whispered Jed.

    She ignored him pushing past the big man at the counter.

    ¡°Hello mister. Uhm excuse me but don¡¯t you sell any guns?¡± she asked.

    The shopkeeper sighed.

    ¡°We sell defensive equipment only,¡± he burped out, while flexing towards magnetic tapes, paints, air masks, and smoke grenades.

    ¡°What about all that deadly looking stuff on the wall behind you? Please mister see I''ve got a really bad zombie problem on my farm and can¡¯t spare a minute to return to my father who was left behind,¡¯ Bessie pleaded, beginning to cry.

    Jed had been searching through his duster, but squinted in on the shopkeeper''s laminated nametag until the reflection of a laser pointed him blindly towards a security system. Fortunately he tumbled into a wooden barrel filled with discount items en route to spinning reels on a giant vacuum cleaning system.

    ¡°You lot aren¡¯t from this area are you? hahahah,¡± laughed the shopkeeper, loosening the belt to let out some gut as he stood from his stool.

    ¡°Hey ZYO we have the cash for some serious equipment, show us something good if you want to make a buck,¡± demanded Bessie fearlessly.

    ¡°I can sell you full sets of armor with built in crystal magic, a gun that shrinks things temporarily, a net gun and zombie bait, lures, tackles, and distractions,¡±

    ¡°Crash!¡±

    Jed interrupted flipping the barrel and falling out on the floor surrounded by dish sponges, sanding sponges, and a green luck crystal sponge directly in his face.

    ¡°Ring it up and we will take this,¡± he said, climbing to his feet and beginning to clean.

    ¡°Ahh a [lucky sponge] (throw on ground after soaking to trigger random help 3 uses).¡± explained

    ¡°Let¡¯s keep looking around the store and make sure we buy exactly what we need,¡± said Bessie, looking through the selection of caged traps of various sizes.

    ¡°Psst Hey ZyOx you don¡¯t have anything under the counter more lethal for a lot of money,¡± whispered Jed, to the man putting the items they had picked out so far through the laser scanner.

    ¡°You naive corrupted screw-up probably thinks the liquor store sells something other than the chocolate stuff for baking purposes or the strip mall next door has anything but the girls next door eh?¡±

    ¡°Yeah that makes cents haha,¡± replied Jed, pausing as Bessie gave him the stare of death, while placing two extended wide scopes into the shopping cart.

    ¡°Well we follow the laws here mister and if you ever try saying otherwise I am booting you from my store,¡± yelled the man behind the counter, beating the counter like a judge on the bench. ¡°Going forward I only deal with her and don''t make the same mistake as your friend.¡±

    ¡°I understand he has a big mouth. What is here on the counter is exactly what we need except armor," said Bessie.

    The register continued to beep as items were scanned through. The shopkeeper stopped the cover and ducked underneath to haul up a hefty box.

    ¡°Can you sell this portable sucker for a very low price?¡±

    They both shook their heads.

    ¡°Well well well I have three different choices of magic armor to pick from: [healer],[looter],[grower],[lucky fool], oh and I got [sexy witch outfit] in stock as well,¡±

    ¡°Looter doesn¡¯t sound very defensive, what does that do,¡± blurted Jed.

    ¡°Out!¡± said the shopkeeper, strictly pointing him towards the door.

    Jed handed her the wallet as he left like a scolded dog.

    ¡°All purchases final, no refunds,¡± the shopkeeper adjusted his monocle before licking his fingers to flick through a catalog. ¡°Ah for what your friend said about only selling defensive uh, um maybe we can bend definitions here in paradise city. Ahem. The [looter] sucks in metal things you program as being valuable, I must confess to having an obsession with suction technology.¡±

    The big man''s nose blushed like an inbred reindeer. ¡°It also boosts loot from select mystery boxes in Dwarf mines due to hacking their ancient codes,¡±

    They went through items for what must have been hour. Jed paced back and forth in the loading zone. Finally she handed him the unloaded wallet of cash. Together they loaded the vehical with identical cardboard boxes supposedly containing the special defensive items. As they drove away Jed studied the book of maps looking for an off ramp. Bessie cruised in the left lane behind a bus. She hoped like nothing else her childhood home was still standing despite the apocalypse. Any damages could be fixed in time once they reclaimed it. Maybe Jed would stick around. She hoped more and more every day that he would remain in her life for the long term.

 109: Route 666

    Bessie¡¯s goofy purple driving gloves gripped the wheel. The muscle car''s cabin shook from steaming over the asphalt. She remained in the groove of outmaneuvering other vehicles. Unfortunately the custom hotrod built by her father was acting up. It was like it wasn¡¯t designed for these crazy speeds. She remained undeterred and abused the car''s supercharged magma crystals to cut corners.

    ¡°Vrooom!¡±

    They boosted ahead another gear combining into the engine a witch¡¯s brew of alien nitro stored underneath the seats before rapidly converting into a terrifyingly fast magic gas. They might as well have been on a magic carpet ride.

    Jed was no stranger to speed. Won a lot of small time races way back in the day. That was in the country where he was driving.

    ¡°Fuck man everything has been out of our control since we met and I hate being manipulated by mysterious outside forces,¡± raged Bessie.

    She was the one controlling the wheels, not him. This death racer was gonna get them both mushed. Jed at least was always wearing his seatbelt. And now for additional protection both wore pieces of the ¡°magic¡± armor they had bought at a gun store that sold no guns. They had partially changed into the distinctive classes at a roadside diner¡¯s bathroom. The material was naturally fleece which Jed figured was the scammer rubbing in they had been fleeced. It was a very brief pit stop where they both gobbled burgers and pop.

    ¡°Should have bought magic beans instead,¡± he grumbled, messaging the expensive green luck sponge.

    ¡°Yeah yeah yeahs should have split our cash between two storefronts, but I need that spongy for my build, and also no time to spare bitch,¡± she snapped.

    ¡°Jeez,¡± sighed Jed.

    ¡° Perhaps I would make one more stop for crystal swords,¡± she said.

    ¡°Those cost an arm and a leg. Hey, look at the road!¡± yelled Jed, pointing to the next hazard ahead.

    She was beeping, and swerving into the rumble strip narrowly avoiding a slow horse and carriage taking up the fast lane for some reason.Suddenly a hidden box unlocked in her mind and before she could stop the unleashed energy she was slapping the steering wheel with [Forced Slapstick!] ability. She seemed to be mentally aware of the abilities like a third limb.

    She slowed whilst her armor heated. A funny sound and flashing circuitry flashed runes within. More text for them to read on the armor''s chest pieces in a large digital reader. The blue information boxes plugged into the same area and looked identical on both their otherwise completely different sets.

    ¡°Luckily that ability only works on organic life,¡± read Jed, studying some of the words displayed on her chest.

    She was too busy giving a flame painted van driver the finger to notice the drooling slow learner occupying the passenger seat.

    ¡°Bessie trust me I know how important this last act is for you,¡± grunted Jed, adjusting his trucker hat, featuring a scraped duck sticker on the heavily bent rim

    He was never giving up his favorite hat to complete the [Grower] armor set. He also rubbed his face that felt swollen, especially under his eyes. The armor headset came attached with a molecule hooked along the tight strap of a medieval kettle hat. No thanks.

    Jed scratched his itchy scalp adjusting the hat featuring holes through the x large headband. He adjusted the mirror and his jaw dropped to the floor flashing fresh pearly whites.

    ¡°Damn man, they even gave me new teeth.¡±

    ¡°Haha man if Mule were here he would probably joke we look like the movie stars playing our life story,¡± she laughed.

    Jed paused, noticing he had a 360 degrees circle of stitches sewn around his collarbone (directly below the neck). He shuddered realizing his fresh face might be a mask repurposed from others.

    ¡°We control the future,¡± she said confidently passing a truck.

    ¡°I hope so, you know the cargo is fragile,¡± Jed adjusted his seatbelt until he caught a look at her.

    Bessie smiled.

    ¡°Phew they just fixed mine instead of taking me out, but gasp I might have had lip fillers,¡± she stuttered.

    He thought she was a bombshell even in that ridiculous armor. Her long hair tied behind in a leather ponytail while runes hung over her chest and arms. She wore tight bright green leggings and a colorful knitted headband. The brown eyed crystal maiden he fancied so much had picked the [Lucky Fool] class armor for some dumb reason. He had picked the [Grower] armor which seemed to apply a constant boost on his body part. The shopkeeper hadn¡¯t explained shit.

    Bessie drove hard but looked at him with the innocence of a hardened nun. He looked away shyly at first but then turned to hide a sly smile. Life was good as they sped unearth a bridge before entering a short tunnel. The car was fast alright and so was his kick started heart. He had intended to take it slow, but who knows if they would survive what remained of the apocalypse. The vehicle was going 123 throttling towards a situation where she might get him killed.

    They locked lovey dove eyes again before he glanced down at her thick thighs. Cured of medical problems the young pair were becoming increasingly lust filled. He had to fight his animal instincts but it was increasingly looking like they might lose control again. The only thing in the way is that they could be caught any second by the zombies with his pants down. The annoying armor blocked many of his other fantasies from further progression.

    ¡°Uh.¡± He said dumbly, fumbling to find words. ¡°You are a real pretty woman,¡±

    ¡°You know Jed before we do anything you should know i''m not like many of the other girls,¡± she blurted out, blushing and pursuing fresh blood red lips.

    ¡°In a good or bad way?¡± asked Jed, his mind jumping to her being a vampire or feeder.

    ¡°The doctors might have made me more beautiful, but underneath it all i¡¯m still a traditional wife,¡±

    ¡°Uhm so you looking for a husband?¡±Love this novel? Read it on Royal Road to ensure the author gets credit.

    ¡°Well actually.¡± she said, looking in the other direction uncomfortably.

    The silence was extremely awkward but just kept dragging on further increasing the crush.

    ¡°But yes I do want the uber traditional twelve harem with a twist,¡± she said, toying with her ponytail like a playful cat.

    ¡°Well we¡¯ll well,¡± blurted Jed, eyes popping when he realized she was far outside his experience level.

    While he tended to wear his heart on his sleeve while she appeared to be a cold blooded reptile.

    ¡°I think it will be all women as I''m bisexual,¡± she said, shrugging. ¡°And maybe a good man.¡±

    Jed realized he was sweating like a pig, and thinking many pig pen thoughts, but hadn¡¯t betrayed her trust. He swore to fight to remain level headed as he was raised mostly right (just poor). There was also still a chance to lock it down over the long term. He would play as long as there was only one rooster on the farm.

    Also long term they were desperately going to need help with the chores. Jed was completely ignorant about how pregnancy affects bodies so he figured she could easily pump out a dozen free workers in the next ten years without too much labor. He knew enough to keep quiet, but knew he had to be right because magic had seemed to magically fix most problems. The biggest problem with magic was expensive. Besides, he knew exactly what he was getting himself into courting a rural traditional woman. If he wanted radical monogamy that only wanted to cook and clean he would have to search the cities.

    The belt unclipped. Finally he shrugged loose and turned himself around awkwardly to fix a fallen box in the backseat. The nondescript cold industrial city left behind speeding down the highway. All that could be seen in the rearview mirror was the massive solar antenna towering over the mountains. The three suns were only tolerable due to tinted crystal windows and sunglasses.

    ¡°We have to find exit 99 off of route 666,¡± said Jed, studying a book of road maps with the same intensity he had used to cram for military academy exams so very long ago now. It was helping to keep his mind busy studying the streets.

    ¡°We should talk about our strategy for besieging the farm and different scenarios, like if the sheriff and his men are still occupying the land.. What if there''s a hundred knights sent directly from the empire,¡± she wondered aloud.

    ¡°We will scope the entire place out.. Of course first we need to stop and put our gear together.¡±

    The gun store might not have sold any guns however it had sold them wide zoom scopes for their already owned rifles.

    ¡°We should be almost out of city limits.¡±

    ¡°There¡¯s a sign for the exit in two miles.¡±

    ¡°Let¡¯s go,¡± they said together.

    Jed sighed slowly realizing how locked in she was. Bessie¡¯s driving was more terrifying than their trip to the techno witch doctors. His recovery was still ongoing. He reckoned he was back to 77 percent of life where before it was less than 20.

    ¡°Those two are together,¡± he said, pointing to another van coming up in the other lane.

    The other vehicle was painted with groovy flowers and font saying boogie surrounded by musical notes come alive as pissing cartoon characters desecrating art.

    ¡°Get a gun from the backseat we aren¡¯t getting boxed in by the boogie vans,¡± she yelled.

    The van with boogie on its licence plate got over in the slow lane as if it had heard.

    As the sky darkened they kept cruising on undisturbed by a false alarm triggered from too many ambushes on their adventures. As night set upon the thickets of pine, birch, and cedar that all looked the same in the low light. The big block engine spit crystal flames from the quad exhausts flying off-ramp. Jed closed his eyes as she drove like a fool. The wheels flew off the ground before they slammed hard on their heels.

    ¡°Last stop up ahead if we need anything is a small town where we sold our wares last year,¡± she sighed, pointing to a sign gone by.

    Approaching closer to the outskirts it sounded like a distorted synthesizer was building in intensity. Bessie tried to turn the volume down however the radio was already off. A tree popped into view before its foliage glitched green and blue. It was finally enough to wake Jed from his nap.

    ¡°YawnLittle Rocks Village are you driving through,¡± he paused to look far toward the horizon. ¡°Wait stop.¡±

    ¡°We need to turn around and take the long way out,¡± said Jed, pointing to the tattered carnival tent blowing in the wind.

    ¡°Remember Me and Mule stumbled across a nasty witches dungeon and it looks like she¡¯s set up here putting everyone else out of business. If we get sucked into her zone it will trigger quite the time sink and right now Bessie time is of the essence to get home,¡± he quickly explained, not moving his body due to being scared of accidentally using an ability.

    Dust kicked and twirled a magic building dance in the distance. The stingers continued building into a climax before attacking.

    ¡°We need to turn around, that evil bitwa aaaaaaaaaa!¡± yelled Jed, being stung by the unleashed swarm of Isabela¡¯s zombie bees penetrating his armor.

    He tried to fight back the old fashioned way, but the bees turned out to be digital. They flashed, glittered, and glitched in and out of play faster than any human reaction speed. Very confused, and in increasing pain as the enemy found more flesh Jed ended up activating his armor''s [Stomp] ability by mistake. His feet felt an itch as the rubber boots expanded 6 sizes and turned extra wide instantly killing anything stinging that area.

    ¡°Fuck that hurts watch out,¡± he bleated.

    Jed retreated his seat all the way with an inch to spare while his clothes continued out. The killer bees in turn had found a bigger opportunity for much more flesh to sting while descending down the pant legs.

    ¡°Yooow¡± he cried.

    Jed was fully [stunlocked].

    Doomed to die by zombie bees, what a farce.

    The swarm combo the [Zombie Apitoxinx23] fastly drains his life. It was worse than death for him becoming a zombie slave to the zombie witch he had originally killed.

    [Slapx11]

    [Full forcex1]

    [Eat shitx23]

    At inhuman speeds Bessie first swatted away bugs, then she tried saving Jed but ended up slapping him out the window, then in trying to apologize her armor activated forcing her to eat the bees. With a cool combo hit it lit up with flashing lights like a circus as simple show tunes played. She slammed on the brakes, keeling over from intense stomach pain of the first stings. Time seemed to crawl slower than a slug while the lights dimmed.

    [x3 combo mana boost granted]

    The words flashed like lightning into her mind, while the armor steamed around the rapidly heating rainbow crystal core. She felt the tickling of nuclear energy as the person and item started fusion. The first of a hundred stingers pricked her stomach lining.

    ¡°Honk, honk, honk!¡±

    The vehicle skidded to a stop beeping from the driver laying on the steering wheel.

    Fortunately she had activated the armors'' [clown nosed stomach] ability eliminating the remaining enemies.

    The showtimes continued raging as she passed out. All energy used up and was very bloated.

    7 hours later.

    ¡°Bessie, Bessie can you hear me,¡±

    ¡°Splash!¡±

    She thrashed waking up with the fishes. The air was sucked from her longs escaping as she was hauled backward out of a pond.

    ¡°Why did you pick the [Lucky Fool] class it¡¯s going get us killed?¡± pleaded Jed, cradling her in his arms.

    They were practically kissing at this point.

    ¡°WHY did I wake up drowning?¡± She demanded.

    ¡°You weren¡¯t I was in control and had to wake you up besides you almost killed me with your fucking abilities,¡± he was getting heated.

    ¡°Only a fool would ever seek revenge especially against a sect of the Empire¡¯s law enforcement. I lied before about marriages because I''m not thinking of a future after this,¡± she sobbed, pushing him away to stand on her own two legs. ¡°You know I¡¯ll be making my stand on that land as long as I¡¯m living and a lucky fool might make it a long time,¡± she walked away having found the nearby parked car.

    ¡°Let¡¯s go.¡±

    ¡°Beep.¡±

    Dozens of trees popped in and out of view before its foliage glitched green and blue. She switched from forward to reverse three times changing directions. The lines on the road switched between a hundred decals a million miles an hour.

    ¡°Alright, an extra 15 minutes detour,¡± she laughed like a maniac.

    ¡°Vrooom!¡±

    ¡°Don¡¯t trust road signs or land.¡±

    ¡°I know these lands like the back of my hands honey hush,¡± she said, turning on the classic rock terp tape in the vehicle¡¯s player.

    ¡°Pa¡¯s favorite tunes.¡±

 110: Bang, Bang, Bang, Bang

    ¡°Yaawn I¡¯m so tired, how long was I out?¡± Bessie asked, pressing hard the gas with her rat skin boots.

    ¡°A couple hours dear. Hey these classes are a super fit,¡± huffed Jed, long becoming upset after looking out the window too long.

    The outside environment was still spooky, but Jed had got them out of the dungeon. Hopefully daylight and green growth would someday return to the troubled region. For now the moons were fully maxed in the night. He returned to studying the gambling themed engraving on his duel wield revolvers.

    Previously both of them had desired to settle down to a simple life. Now Jed checked the digital shockproof watch part of his [Grower class]. It came lined with four simple buttons he was unable to comprehend similarly to his high power chest piece that had lots of unlabeled labels. He didn¡¯t dare accidentally use any more skills inside the moving vehicle.

    Bessie''s stomach roared with engine groaning, grumbling and gurgling for grub. The hunger had grown so fierce her insides almost sounded like a howling werewolf.

    ¡°Jed, I''m hungry enough to eat a horse. Grrr get me food,¡± she snarled like a feral dog.

    ¡°Yes ma''am," he said, reopening a bag of beef jerky from storage.

    Instead of taking one piece she opened her mouth and gobbled down the entire bag. The automobile almost flipped, drifting round a corner. Jed kissed the lucky sponge again while flailing around as he had unbuckled to reach her snacks. Meanwhile Bessie looked crazed fighting the steering wheel like it was a demon.

    ¡°Careful driving tired is the same as driving drunk,¡± he scolded, having fallen towards the backseat.

    She replied by [Swiping] a can of meat away from Jed to finish opening it with her teeth. He watched her wolf it down grimacing at the sharp edge.

    ¡°Yum I¡¯m calling these amazingly quick gloves Mustang @ GTO.¡±

    ¡°That class fits you silly Sally,¡± he laughed.

    ¡°Burp¡± She turned to stare him down with a new found hunger that scared him. ¡°WHERE ARE WE JED?¡± She yelled at him. ¡°We should be there by now!¡±

    ¡°Sigh Unfortunately I had to take two detours: 1st to avoid a dangerous dungeon with a slain witch on her own revenge mission against me. Thankfully when you slapped me outside it killed all those enemies saving my ass,¡± laughed Jed, going for a high-five until he noticed her eyeing it like food.

    The faint presence of voices of millions of souls babbled in the background. These magic suits of armor might as well make them knights. The crystals powered their cores rooting deep inside their brains and bones further disturbing them. Jed was the most experienced over his adventure. He could tell his free will was slipping with every use of the powers.

    ¡°Our powers are too strong yet limited by how much the crystals drain from our cores,¡± she realized out loud.

    ¡°Yeah and of course we can¡¯t control them at all either. Damn it this is something you have to go to a magical schoolhouse for a long time to master just like being an electrician, ¡° added Jed, checking his wrist.

    ¡°Speak for yourself as I''m learning this shit individually. It¡¯s a simple system and we aren¡¯t children. learn by doing yourself and pay in personal energy,¡± she huffed.

    ¡°Yeah but how much?¡± Interjected Jed.

    ¡°I¡¯m just saying it would be nice to have a manual for power armor or something. It could be possible to accidentally use too much energy at once and permanently exhaust yourself for good.¡±

    ¡°Life would¡¯ve been great with a manual, but anyway man I¡¯ll do what I have to do to get revenge on that punk ass copper,¡± she spit.

    ¡°There¡¯s a thing called planning. I know the apocalypse has hit this region hard but we could train and try to knock on doors to spread news to your family''s sect. We are going up against the man after all,¡± said Jed, eyeing his revolvers.

    ¡°Pa was a loyal member of the union between farmers and miners, not fighters. Anyway I have no room for larger organizations of any sort anymore after his demise,¡± she said.

    ¡°There¡¯s nobody else in the family?¡±

    ¡°It split long ago and we were the odd ones cast out plus we don¡¯t have time to find people,¡± she sighed, looking off in the swirling mists disturbed at seeing what looked like a glitch.

    ¡°You''re missing the point, we have to go fast before they get away,¡± she said, pulling herself together.

    ¡°You should know you were out cold in the passenger seat for 7 hours and 22 minutes. The next detour was the road being covered with space debris from the destroyed moon. That area was also glitching out when I stopped to really smell the roses uhm joking. It was still part of the Witch''s dungeon zone just not as bad as her circus,¡± he explained.

    ¡°This fog is nuts!¡± she raged.

    "Shh we are so very close to our final destination,¡± Jed said, pointing to the road on the map.

    ¡°Oh shit we might have already gone past the dirt road,¡± she said, cautiously slowing an automobile for the first time in her life.

    The winter air was frigid through the hole she had previously smashed him out when the killer bees attacked through the stereo/HVAC. They drive around a bend revealing rolling hills. At first it looked like hay bales covered by snow but on 2nd inspection actually full of cooled space debris. A huge shadowy structure in the distance while close impacts still smolder a week later.

    They crawled forward and fought to push through the snow. Out of nowhere a howl that rumbled the street under the full moons. It was light enough to get a good picture where the high beams pointed, however many dark shadows remained around the vehicle.

    ¡°Okay that¡¯s the Dapper Clan''s grain silo, their property wraps ours on 3 sides,¡± she explained, pointing to the shadowy structure. Stolen story; please report.

    In the meantime Jed had attached a scope bigger than the revolver to one and was considering doubling down.

    ¡°It¡¯s too bad we don¡¯t have any silver bullets.¡± he grunted.

    ¡°Let alone magic guns,¡± she added.

    ¡°Hmmm I''m old fashioned,¡± said Jed,hiding from Bessie that he was cutting a small piece out of her lucky green sponge lined with magic crystal particles for his own use.

    Next he took an empty shell casing and stuffed it in the magic sponge piece. He almost sprinkled in the magma powder before she looked over catching him red handed.

    ¡°What are you doing?¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s a werewolf. We might need to combat it so I''m swinging for the fences on magic bullets,¡± he admitted, throwing the sponge on her lap.

    ¡°Alright just remember to add water to activate, and next time just ask,¡± she sighed, her partner had some real annoying habits.

    She wanted to drop him, but also not all. It was a complicated situation and everyone had their flaws. She had to admit she couldn¡¯t do this mission solo. Anyway the cold blooded revenge was much easier to let take the reins for now. After the hospital she did feel strangely less human in her core. And with every use of the crystal powered power armor grew colder, and colder.

    Jed spit into the casing. It quickly grew so hot he had to throw it out the makeshift sunroof he had previously created. She slammed the breaks.

    ¡°That''s a valuable sponge back there,¡± she said, climbing outside. ¡°Watch the car.¡±

    ¡°Aright,¡± said Jed, watching the rear.

    She started searching while he opened the trunk to organize equipment. The mist was heavy all around them like they were on a boat. Jed turned his attention to the front where the crystal light headlights shone penetrating just enough to see the sign.

    ¡°That¡¯s the dirt road to your farm right Bessie psst,¡± whispered Jed, opening the passenger door.

    ¡°Shit shut off the engine Jed,¡± she whispered back.

    They both illuminated the sponge that had split the bullet casing in half. It foamed before grass sprung from magic seeds overriding the white with bright green. With a growing circle of dirt road sprouting wisps as if time had jumped forward a month. They held their breath as it continued to spread. Anyone close was going to be alerted.

    ¡°We need to hide the car off the road,¡± said Jed, removing his signature hat.

    The frigid air attacked his shaved head. He strapped on his special helmet fully embracing his class identity. She grinned on eyeing her partner¡¯s new monocle.

    The car was parked underneath trees. The wild grass grew past their feet, but eventually stopped expanding out. It grew so fast upwards they were soon hidden deep inside thick blades. They finished unloading their gear and locked the car.

    ¡°Beep,beep,beep,¡± said the box of tricks being primed a little ways away.

    we got 15 minutes before the distraction springs so let¡¯s get going. The road to the farm is just under a mile,¡± she whispered.

    Jed grunted following her lead as he struggled to strap on a belt of tactical gear. He had his two cowboy revolvers fully loaded, but the scope attachment he had just installed to one was detrimental in the mist. Bessie cradled her trusted heirloom rifle.

    They both breathed heavily working overtime to avoid snapping twigs through what little remained of the forest pounded by rocks. Jed gently let his breath out steaming the air whilst she breathed in. Together they stood overlooking the family farmhouse. The lights were off on the property but an engine was loudly running somewhere.

    ¡°Whoever thinks they can take my property.

    The cold frosty winds blew away the mist letting the moons fill in the spooky picture.

    ¡°What the fuck,¡± she whisper, zooming in on her scope.

    Jed¡¯s mouth dropped as he followed. The fields were full of workers and the trees full of vultures. People gathered around the boulders with pickaxes going to town. In Fact it looked like the whole town was out there working in what could have been a hundred small groups of a dozen or so, others toiled the soil tirelessly. The last batch of workers cut off heads before loading dead bodies into a wood chipper that was spread into paste to grow for zombie crops. Finally the cut off heads were replanted in the soil.

    An undead horse trotted into view. Its bones clicked echoing across the valley. On its back two rode. The first in uniform whilst a skeleton rode on back wearing very similar plotting armor to them.

    ¡°I wish it was quicker to find that needle in a haystack.Well babe it¡¯s a good thing I have spies working overtime to find you at any cost,¡± said Nancy the necromancy.

    ¡°No luck seeing anything inside Nancy they got the place boarded up and I want brains grr,¡± growled a pawn.

    ¡°My zombie mice were keeping watch until they vanished almost as if a cat was in the house with them. Whatever, we will starve them out. Remember boys I¡¯m not running a dungeon here. We need to cultivate rapid growth not value for royals. as much meat as possible before our army of the dead can portal hop in search of my one to love Edward,¡± she sighed.

    With the mourning complete Nancy began blindly cracking her whip. The weapon lashed a fence post, before it tied a slip knot around a corn ear. Her dead horsemen accelerated through the fields filled with workers. She finally managed to score a lucky hit, bonking one over the head with cornballs. Her remaining zombie slaves began working faster and faster on harvesting crystals and repurposing flesh. Some bones broke in two but they kept digging.

    ¡°Says she¡¯s 540 but she¡¯s really 666,¡± whispered Jed, unable to help himself.

    ¡°Shut the fuck up and listen our targets still alive.. When our distraction goes off we run inside and shoot,¡± she replied.

    ¡°What was that?¡± questioned a smokey undead voice.

    Nancy¡¯s skull suddenly turned 180 degrees to look right up at them. Luckily the eyes had been long ago hollowed leaving voids, but the horseman was turning.

    ¡°Caw caw caw,¡± said the crows nestled on the nearby scarecrow.

    There are a few remaining corn stocks in the burnt field background. The only place with ripe fruit was the pumpkins marked the edges of a pentagram marked with blood. In the center the scarecrow planted on a post without souls. The murder of crows eyes were red matching the field workers. The squirming human sacrifice¡¯s lay terrified neatly in a row ready to demonically harvest.

    ¡°Activity at the farmhouse,¡± yelled a henchman., as Nancy snapped to another location. Her little birds had already sounded the alarm at the jailbreak.

    Suddenly next to the farmhouse a hay wagon seemingly picked up speed by itself. It rolled down the hill smashing into the small garage beside the burnt remains of the barn. The zombie horde became fixed on the garage and so did the adventures.

    In the meantime three shadowy figures had popped out of a hole in the ground next to the big green tractor that had previously fallen out of commision. Sheriff Nate Spit climbed out first with the jack. He and his men worked like a well drilled machine fixing the beast. He jumped on the seat and fired up the engine. The dead turned their heads again as wheels started turning.

    ¡°BOOM!¡±

    What remained of the garage burst into flames. Many zombie¡¯s waltzed on fire in the fields while Nancy had fallen off the saddle. The ground fissures and the sky glitched as the frame rate went to absolute zero. The sound was fried and time slowed to slop as they walked around like being seasick in the stormy offshore. Suddenly things snapped full force back into reality.

    ¡°I¡¯ve never been a horse girl, even dead the fucking things they listen,¡± grumbled the Necromancer, crawling for clues to her remaining enemies.

    In the meantime she was having her crows ripped the flesh from the bound sacrifices feeding souls to the scarecrow.

    ¡°Bang, Bang, Bang, Bang!¡±

    Bessie had noticed sheriff Nate on her fathers tractor and started blasting at him. It was a long way off and a moving target, but one bullet looked like it hit the engine. Jed focused on making one good shot while holstering the non-scoped revolver. He began squeezing the trigger. He became distracted as the ground rumbled and a faint circus theme song entering play in the zone far behind them.

 111 : Zombie Blocked

    "Bang,Bang, Bang!"

    Jed cocked the hammer back on his scoped big iron. The intended fleeing target driving the tractor had gotten lucky. One of his deputies had jumped aboard taking two bullets that hit as the third narrowly missed. The shadow in the cabin was pierced by moonlight creeping through the bullet holes. Jed squeezed the trigger again, frowning seeing his first bullet sprayed open a shoulder blade without seeing any blood. Time was running out to get a shot in before they would escape. The snow was keeping their enemies slow, but three different evil factions surrounded them.

    ¡°Bang.Bang.¡±

    He double tapped the downed enemy and used [Speed Reloader] to reloadx6 in one motion. Using a simple device to reload sapped energy for some strange reason? A veteran like him it ought to be effortless. He tried to quickly shoot but his trigger finger had [Grown] too big to fit into the revolver''s trigger guard.

    ¡°Dang nabbit this class sucks ass in unexpected ways,¡± complained Jed, fighting against both his weapon and the [Grower] class he had spent his remaining money on.

    He had chosen this Knights armor from the mysterious shopkeeper. While nothing came with warning it''s been well established that too a human using too much crystal magic power will shorten one''s life. He tried switching stance to left handed but his legs had turned to a solid tree trunk of flesh. He holstered his weapon to bend to try and dig himself out.

    ¡°What the duck? I can''t move, I''m mutant rooted¡± He shouted, having a panic attack.

    Bessie was shaking from an adrenaline dump. The smoke filled air in the shooting gallery became impossible to see without dead eyes. Suddenly her nerves bolted as muscle memory snapped into the suit''s system gear. The scared farmer¡¯s daughter instantly became a super soldier. She activated her gloves [sleight of hand] skill reloading 4 bullets with one.

    ¡°Bang, Bang, Bang, Bang.¡±

    The duel full moons illuminated a tunnel through the foul gunsmoke building in the shooting gallery. Jed gave up on running and had two revolvers gunning on rails. The two unleashed everything they had sprayed down the fleeing tractor and the first zombies slowly waltzing too close.

    ¡°Jed keep shooting using your [Anchorman] ability with that super steady shot %33 accuracy increase!¡± She hollered, patting him on the back.

    ¡°I want a touch of somebody else¡¯s class instead of this dumb shit,¡± grunted Jed, fed up with the changes he kept intentionally triggering on his body. "But anyhow do you know what''s up?"

    "Our armors are mental and the little blue circle full of text on our chests spells it out," she explained, tapping the glass piece on his chest.

    Jed tried looking at his watch and noticed the combo bar at the bottom was milliseconds from being out.

    "Bang,Bang,[Boomstickx6!]"

    The revolver exploded like a shotgun. The aftermath left a wide opening of cleared zombies.

    [Bang, bang, bang, reloadx23]

    The abundance of easily dispatched ordinary dead kept the combos going allowing more and more firepower to shower the land. The bullets drained from their bandoleers feeding the blaze.

    ¡°Boom!¡±

    The tractor blew up while the couple continued shooting to overkill.

    Nate Spit dove through the flames out of the cabin after taking a second bullet in the shoulder. The glass broke all around him on the ground while he dragged himself into the ditch following the blood trail of another. He heard rebel yells of a crazed female shooter shrieking for more bullets in the hills. The fallen knight began twitching in the road as the horde moved in.

    ¡°Sigh it¡¯s gonna take all damn night to finish this unfortunate business and find a sinkhole,¡± said Jed, slowly reloading.

    ¡°We gotta get back to the car and start moving,¡± she said, catching a handful of thrown bullets.

    Meanwhile Nancy the necromancer¡¯s hundreds of zombies groaned slowly moving throughout the apocalyptic cornfield. Her army at this point was mostly zombie farmers and townsfolk harvested from various graveyards without special abilities. Her necromancy journey this entire adventure had sucked even with having [Elven plotting armor] on the entire time she was still kinda weak powered this late in the plot. She had tried to rush the growth of mutants and the demon scarecrow and open more portals in order to find the sandman but had run out of time.If you spot this narrative on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

    Finding the god of time and offering the corpse of the one who killed you before your time was the only known way to turn it back and change fate. You were granted whatever remained in your hourglass before being cut down short changed. She hoped like hell to be sent back to the club. Capital city 7 years ago when the Death Drag Piercers cut their first record and victim. The early touring days long before the tables turned and she was destroyed like the rest of the harem.

    It greatly troubled Nancy that even if she got a second chance by going back in time she would have to escape Edward all over again. She had to also break the mental spell cast by him in the short time before he could fully mastermind her into his complete mental control. Failing to change fate would create a time slip allusion dooming her to keep getting groomed, murdered and arriving here on this filthy farm dead skeleton again and again.

    Perhaps it was better to give up on fighting in a man¡¯s world opting to instead loitering around in purgatory on the astral trains bar for eternity. Her inner rage fed her zombies causing them to start sprinting. First she would destroy everything living until the flat planet was a 100 percent apocalypse.

    ¡°Shit she¡¯s pissed,¡± stammered Bessie.

    ¡°We need to retreat, but shit I¡¯m rooted in place,¡± Jed, trying to bounce his heavy beanbag for feet. His shoes were finally slowly beginning to shrink but the horde was swarming to them fast.

    Bessie was trembling in control of her wits again instead of the lucky fool''s clothing that seemed to have a magic mind of its own. She helped Jed walk along this time as he blasted with his free hand.

    ¡°CRACK!¡±

    The sky split apart as worlds briefly collided.

    ¡°Hehehehehe,¡± announced the arrival of the wicked zombie witch Isabella.

    She was riding on a broomstick surrounded by her flying monkeys through a portal. The ground shook like an earthquake as her circus was coming to town on the ground. A hundred zombie elephants dragged the packed up dungeon carnival core through the snowy wasteland. Looking like ants swarming around the convoy the special zombies introduced themselves. A horde of jugglers, clowns, fire breathers, knife throwers, and acrobats waltzing around two wooly mammoths booming hooves. A giant thundered along playing the single bass string with its giant thumb keeping time with the stomps loosely attached on its massive bone club with sinew. The drums beat the shit out a single massive skin stretched with blood on a sled pulled by roaring polar bears littered in zombie crystal shards pulsing at full force magic energy.

    Bessie keeled over breathing heavily in and out to calm herself having a panic attack.

    ¡°Do you need a hand?¡± asked Jed, with as much worry in his eyes as possible for an outlaw killer.

    She smiled back in the same gloomy demeanor, haunted eyes glazed by reality hitting in.

    ¡°Let¡¯s get to the car, the distraction might give us enough of a break if we run,¡± said Bessie, jumping off a rock.

    ¡°Bang,bang bang bang.¡±

    ¡°Fuck no time this is our last stand dear at least the revenge is done with and they will go with us,¡± Jed cried, covering her behind.

    ¡°I¡¯m sorry to drag you into this,¡± said Bessie, reloading the level action rifle in one motion.

    ¡°I know my family had my funeral long ago and move on..Not their fault with me being officially KIA,¡± he replied, while she helped him climb this time.

    ¡°No tears, let''s use these super powered armors for all they are worth.¡±

    ¡°BANG,BANG, BANG BANG.¡±

    ¡°HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWL!¡±

    A howling wolf was pissed the fuck off enough to stand the hairs on all but the most decomposed in fear for 100 acres. Nate Spit like a demon as his body began to transform in the ditch. The deputy was following suit on the road. Their lawful uniforms tearing away at the seams. The golden badge flashed in the full moons as the sheriff''s howled naked in [RAGE MODE!]. Nate was a full turned werewolf and ate the harmless metal star for tomorrow''s breakfast. Tonight It was time to ruthlessly tear apart criminals.

    It looked like it was the end of the line for our anti heroes. Jed blew the dome off an attacking clown moments before it bit his ass. There looked to be an endless swarm of enemies surrounding them on all sides and his partner was already out of ammo. He only had the ones in the chambers and not an ounce of silver even if they could run back to the vehicle.

    Jed heard Bessie resort to spitting on enemies behind him. He turned to throw expecting the worst. They had been shooting the easy rounds of zombies and now the sprinting hordes had boxed them in. Jed went to throw her the un-scoped gun. He made a face of utter disgust seeing her taking a leak in the corner. Why risk death with your pants down.

    "Bang."

    The bullet turned a charging skeleton''s femur to dust. He turned back to spot the lucky green liquid activated sponge directly below her squat. It had already grown into a thick jungle bush. Bessie jumped out of the way just in time to avoid the sprouting tree shaking out the magic material.

    Jed looked the other way to hide his smirk before throwing her his revolver.

    ¡°Cover me, I''m gonna grow a jungle to protect us,¡± he said, unzipping his fly and activating his magic member¡¯s [Dirty Growth $tream] ability.

    They jogged through the quickly thickening green pulp rapidly eating away the snow. Vines entangled the asteroids and entangled zombies like snakes while trees sprouted rapidly camouflaging impact zones.

    ¡°That¡¯s some super powered fertilizer thanks,¡± she said, hugging him. ¡°We need to hide from the werewolves unless silver starts growing on trees,¡±

    They broke apart to dash out of the blinding moonlight and into tall wild grass rapidly thickening.

    ¡°That distraction must be glitched if it hasn¡¯t gone off.¡±

    ¡°Shh.¡±

    ¡°HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWL!¡±

 112: [C]

    A hulking werewolf stepped over the bullet filled body of a knight. Jed and Bessie had blasted three lawmen from a distance. Only two turned into beasts while the latter continued being left in the cold.

    Nate Spit grey hairs covered his naked 9 foot hulking form. The thick raging veins on his muscles were able to be seen through the thick rug. His boots, naturally the only clothing still remaining on him as werewolves feet, one of the few things that didn''t grow in luminescence. The razor blade-like claw on both hands lashed outwards shredding apart zombies in the way of the living prey. He dashed forward through the opening created in easy mode.

    Nancy the necromancer had been so hardcore in her former life she pierced herself everywhere and anywhere plus past the skin deep into her bones. These sharp edges sticking out from her skeleton glistened in the moonlight causing the werewolves to bolt in the other direction like scaredy cats.

    ¡°Rats,¡± she cursed, left in the mummy dust.

    Normally Nancy relied on her dead pets but when she tried to see in the sky all her birds were offline. She might have been blind but the snarling sounds bounced into her earlobes and open eye sockets. Coming heavily decomposed and straight from the underground, very few of her horde had eyes left either.

    ¡°CLINK!¡±

    She smiled, activating [Silver Nipples] ability that caused two more silver edges to reveal themselves on her chest. Her zombies sprinted after leaving the snow behind for the freshly sprouted magic jungle.

    Jed and Bessie had hidden for what felt like hours whilst the other factions loudly fought. They had already used too many abilities draining their strength. And had limped forward through the jungle about to faint from exhaustion. So far they had only killed weak enemies. Saved by the wild grass from growing from the dissolved magic lucky sponge. It was super tall at this point, enough to hide them well and block out most of the two full moons. Directly ahead the foliage rustled before a jump scare.

    ¡°Bang!¡±

    Jed blew the head off a sprinting zombie.He went back hugging a tree for support. He noticed the combo gauge at x2 on his digital watch and the smaller gauge at the top slightly inched forward filled enough to just reveal itself. There seemed to be a super long way to go towards his first level up.

    ¡°phew ,¡± he said, wiping the sweat off his face. ¡°Well head-shots count double for combos unfortunately that was my last bullet.¡±

    ¡°Ugh there¡¯s more bullets in the basement if we could get inside,¡± she said, stopping to gasp for breath and smell the roses. ¡°It makes sense the grower class would focus on growing combos.¡±

    ¡°Dude I know your class is foolish but we can''t fight them until morning but also can''t run anymore. So where''s the car?¡± asked Jed.

    ¡°No clue.. I was hoping you would save that last bullet for a hail Mary play at slaying the wolf,¡± she said, showing her knife.

    ¡°Look at this,¡± she said, suddenly becoming animated.

    Jed turned barely able to open his eyes. She approached and the power of love was enough to keep him from passing . She tapped the blue box on his chest.

    ¡°Is there a combo sheet.. We need something to save us.¡±

    He felt some energy slowly returning with a click. Enough to support himself again.

    ¡°What did you do?¡±

    ¡°I put a point in endurance for both of us.There¡¯s five stats to level up: Endurance , Health, Agility, Strength, and Luck with ten points to place,but we only had 1 point each.

    ¡°I reckon health is hit points while endurance lets you use more mama without exhausting,¡± she theorized.

    ¡°What about combos past 25x. I know that x25 turned my revolver to a shotgun. So if we get to the farmhouse and I get a machine gun perhaps hitting a 100x combo will get us out of this.¡±

    ¡°Yeah or I can melt silver on the stove-top,¡±

    ¡°Those wolves ain¡¯t dumb Bessie I bet they removed anything silver from that house when trapped inside,¡±

    ¡°Yup shit we drive away and come back first thing in the day plan,¡± she said, slashing a really big iron knife (still not enough to clear through the grass).

    ¡°Shh let''s go.¡±

    ¡°Watch out, I''ll lead,¡± said Jed, taking out a machete.

    He slashed a path forward while she covered behind. They worked forward quietly for a good while until suddenly an attack.

    [Sleight of Slashx2,]

    She rapidly stabbed the charging zombie in the chest. The first slash hit a double causing the single wound to explode soaking the inserted knife. This ability was like she had instantly completed a 2nd attack making the weapon unstuck. The second [slash] didn¡¯t trigger the bonus. A normal stab knocked down the feral zombie biting the air. The final [slashx5] pulverized the threat into becoming a blood pulp on the strip.

    ¡°POP!¡±

    Suddenly the distraction they planted went off. A hundred different tactical grenades tied together. The colored smoke grenades caused a massive amount of rainbow smoke while flash bangs popped like a strobe light and concussions stun-locked the dead. It being closer to the vehicle made them find it.

    ¡°Hehehe,¡± laughed Isabela, finally having enough and beginning to rain [Napalm Death].This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.

    The road to escape was blocked by her flames causing them to turn around. The car barrels towards the farmhouse. Zooming out of the burning jungle back into the snowy apocalypse. The witch kept cackling above cooking up her next scary spell.

    Her flying monkeys chased the car until one of the werewolves snatched one out of the air and the rest swarmed it.

    ¡°HowL.

    ¡°Krack!¡±

    The hit werewolf thrashed on the hood. Jed stepped on the gas to the floor. Without lead all he had was a lead foot and one shot to steer them into death. The angry animal loudly scraped and scratched the paint and glass to shreds. The air whistles deafeningly through the claw holes as the car''s structural integrity was less than 50 percent. They smashed through corpses at max speed. It might still not be fast enough.

    ¡°WHAAMO!¡±

    A direct hit with the blind witch in the road killing the werewolf with her silver nipples built into her plot armor. More and more meatshields hit them until they crashed. The werewolf was thrown away with Nancy¡¯s many piercings hooking more zombies in the path.

    ¡°YEEEHAW!¡± yelled Jed and Bessie high fiving each other while the stalled car sputtered its dying breaths with the roadkill.

    ¡°We got one of the bastards let''s loot that skeleton before the other gets here,¡±

    ¡°Damn I hope we got lucky and hit the big bad wolf and not one of his deputies.¡±

    ¡°HOOOOOWL¡¯

    ¡°Shit its too heavy, no time to run inside.¡±

    ¡°Just one second..¡±

    Jed stopped in his tracks seeing the ball of zombies thrashing around the only silver outside.

    ¡°The main doors are locked.¡± she yelled, shaking the knob.

    ¡°Shit probably the cellar is too.¡±

    ¡°Quick Bessie to the backyard I''ll distract the wolf while you run for the hills¡± said Jed.

    ¡°But you..¡±

    ¡°No time,¡± he said before kissing her on the lips.

    They made out while the howls grew closer and closer.

    ¡°Save yourself and stop being foolish please,¡± he instructed.

    She whispered the plan in his ears and it didn¡¯t involve retreating.

    Jed saw her jumping down the well. With the hot hairs of the wolf breathing down his neck he jumped after.

    The predator stalked them inside the family farmhouse. They run into the hallway with three doors on each wall being chased. Jed opened the middle right door and pulled Bessie inside. The werewolf slammed inside the room after them just as they ran out the first door on the left. Bessie ran straight across the hall to the first right door and Jed followed inside slamming it in the werewolves face. The werewolf howled in rage tearing down the door. It ran into the room and emerged from the third door down. The prey had escaped.

    Jed and Bessie slipped into the basement and raided the armory as quietly as mice. The escape tunnel was conveniently nearby. The dark path outside was filled with claw marks signs they had been working at night. They emerged with loaded tommy guns through the tunnel where the tractor had been. They sneak away while Isabella has the farmhouse surrounded with her circus.

    ¡°Krackow!¡±

    The werewolf tore the farmhouse front door to splinters. He flew out tearing apart two dozen zombies before jumping to the mammoth. He climbed it¡¯s back tearing into it like a cat climbing a couch before ripping into the jugular.

    The witch howled in frustration realizing the mistake of giving her knife throwers budget cuts. They might as well have been throwing butter knives as her army of clowns was knocked down around the fallen tusks. She aimed her wand at an elephant and turned on the anti-gravity.

    Jed and Bessie recovered from the quake. They pointed their tommyguns to the sky and started shooting at Isabela. The distracted evil crone was too busy maneuvering her dead army to notice. She was peppered with bullets knocking the wand out of her hand before she could activate her shield.

    ¡°Yeeowtch!¡± she cried, falling from the sky with her elephant landing first.

    Her broom zig-zagged out of control. Lucky for Bessie and Jed one of their [Smokin Aces] skills applied to both of them. Their aimbot-like firepower combined through the power of friendship. Submachine gun bullets hitting marks at long distance. Isabela was cooked across the sky. Defeated again exploding like an entire firework show accidentally being launched at once.

    <u style="color: rgba(224, 49, 49, 1)">¡°HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWL.¡±</u>

    The werewolf had torn through the dropped elephant.

    ¡°Shit run till dawn those are sharp,¡±

    They quickly embraced long enough to dump skills into endurance to outrun the wolf. Knocking out one witch and a werewolf had leveled them up three more times and Jed was real close to reaching the next.

    ¡°Give me one point in strength,¡± instructed Jed.

    ¡°Roger.¡±

    They ran forward pumped fresh full of energy. Faster than varsity track stars in their prime through ashes towards the grain silo in the distance. She pointed at it, whispered more and he nodded in agreement. The climb to the top was exposed to the elements making them unable to hide in the full moons.

    ¡°HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWL!¡±

    They sprinted up the winding rusted metal staircase towards the top. The pissed wolf nipped at their heels only unable to catch up because he barely fit squeezing between the rail.

    [BITE!]

    The machete was ripped from Jed¡¯s hands and thrown over the edge. Bessie climbed inside the top of the silo and pulled him after. Drool dripped from Nate¡¯s fangs as he climbed inside the silo to hunt.

    ¡°SNIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIF¡±

    He smelled them at a dead end. There was a solitary catwalk that ran over the grain below. The werewolf grabbed the key with his teeth and pulled the door shut before eating the bronze key.

    ¡°Gulp,¡± he licked his lips, itching towards the end of the line.

    ¡°Well go on, show me if you got silver or not hah,¡± snickered the monster.

    ¡°Your wish is my command,¡± said Bessie, popping out from the shadows.

    ¡°Bububububububu,¡± she began blasting.

    The bullets weren¡¯t silver but still ripped into the beast like paint-balls. They also began building a combo that grew exponentially once Jed started shooting with her. Their guns kicked like mules at x25. At x50 tracers lit up the flailing creature before x75 turned on [Doubletap]. Somehow both from the other end near the locked door. The werewolf howls in pain and confusion at letting him slip. No worries they were still locked inside.

    [Finx100]

    Together they had rapidly hit the last combo level turning their ammo infinite as long as they kept shooting. The wolf tried reaching for victims but the storm of lead was overwhelming. The bullets however were beginning to ricochet around the structure making things increasingly dangerous.

    The very bruised werewolf was slowly gaining ground despite the pain they inflicted. Its eyelids closed swollen and it clawed along the catwalk. Bessie felt a sudden sensation awaken in her core on reaching x250.

    ¡°Hang on,¡± her voice boomed as her body filled with overwhelming pressure.

    Jed turned distracted as the werewolf lunged for his throat. The tracers stopped and it was dark.

    Bessie opened her mouth due to a gut feeling and out came an ultimate attack.

    [C] ability.

    A psychic scream took the form of a cone of ultra concentrated c notes circling from the depths of hell. The noise attack then had tons of magic filters applied making it super dense. It flew out of her mouth in circles and blew apart whatever remained of Jed eardrums as he held onto the railing for dear life. A miniature tornado was forming down below in the grain.

    ¡°Hooowl!¡±

    Nate Spit¡¯s claws slowly lost the fight and he was sent spiraling overboard. Bessie shut her mouth, collapsed and it was over. Jed dragged himself towards her. He could see below the enemy trying to pull itself from drowning.

    ¡°Click.¡±

    He groaned and threw the empty magazine at the werewolf with the very last of his strength.

    ¡°Klunk!¡±

    A direct hit to the noggin was long enough to stun it into submission. The last nails pulled underneath the millions of shifting grains.

    Jed collapsed beside Bessie with an absolute exhaustion he had never felt before. He could feel the light fading but her warmth increased as they fell asleep in each other''s arms.

 113: Demon Kings Rebirth

    ¡°Sploosh!¡±

    What remained Edward plopped out. A mutant lobotomized head covered in sludge. His bloodshot eyes blackened and his teeth knocked loose. A frothy bloody crown, bald scars and tar residue covered the fallen angel.

    The monster was surrounded by angry enemies on all sides. The cut off head rolled back and forth, stimulating himself. He wished he could go back in time to being a predator of easy victims in the entertainment industry. Instead he was stuck being exploited again and again without being able to pass the buck.

    The angry villagers grabbed everything from folding tables to towels. There must have been thousands of loin cloth fools gathered from all across the area. More road in on dinosaurs. The two big boss ladies cleaned out their buried treasure to hand out leather balloons made of stomachs and filled with green acid inside.

    Edward drooled, spotting drinks and dinks. His [rockstar] tongue lashed out assaulting things, but none of the powerful passives hit. His big mouth couldn¡¯t resist taking the bait and now the jig was up. The green potion wasn¡¯t the megalomania fueling psychedelics he was seeking to make him god. Instead the trap tabs consumed shut down his powerful system abilities for 27 seconds. He winced and cried as many weapons were raised.

    ¡°Sham, cram, bam!¡±

    The attack by cavernous cretins made good use of clubs to beat the ever living crap out of him. A heaping of rotten fruit was thrown for good measure. He was bullied and smashed through lockers before being dropped through a toilet.

    ¡°Gag.¡±Stolen from its rightful author, this tale is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

    Edward was fished out stunned and passed off into a layup through a primitive basket. The big land ladies had split taking teams of more trolls into basketball.

    ¡°Smack,whack,hack!¡±

    Edward was getting turned into a super heel by this point from impacts. They tried to rope him but he seemed to slip out. At some point the audience was going to flatten him enough to grow bored. Until then he had zero shame so it was all just a game.

    ¡°Bash!¡±

    Like smacking anything broken it seemed to fix him. Suddenly he broke free from the diabolical control of their drugs to hop out attacking like a frog.

    ¡°Smash!¡±

    ¡°MMM even bad head hits good.¡±

    He slurped out the brains from a cracked skull caused by a flying head butt.

    ¡°Finally I get some satisfaction,¡± Edward paused to smile a shit eating grin

    While rocking and rolling into sucking out another soul the demon king cums. To understand his nature he wishes to kill as many as possible to harvest for his god. An extremely powerful alien watching from inside him. It made Edward feel even nastier and vulnerable with an intense narcissistic fantasy of beating it. Killing a god was gonna be as easy as anything else. .

    He rolled under legs successfully but his tongue was fouled. He might have been antisocial but he still needed friends. Maybe another reincarnation to get the band back together for more bullying power. A side quest to find, free, and recruit the most horrible abusers possible in all the lands.

    If he escaped or not once the million souls was collected he would wish to grow a demon cock bigger than a skyscraper and start fucking worlds.

    ¡°CLICK!¡±

    ¡°Woof.¡±

    He turned and started biting but only gummed the chain and was choked out. One of the land ladies had thrown a collar around his neck earlier and now the other had hooked on a magic short leash.

    ¡°Bark,bark,bark,bark.¡±

    Edward started barking while being treated like a dog.

 114: Lovey Dovey Phase

    ¡°Rap,rap,rap.¡±

    They woke in complete darkness. A banging somewhere. It sounded to Bessie like someone was trying to break into the farm silo. A sudden panic overwhelmed her remembering the boss enemy knocked into drowning in the millions of grains below. She threw off Jed to start crawling forward. The cold metal catwalk was lined with bumps swaying on wobbling lines from the darkness above.

    ¡°Jed?¡±

    Jed felt the cold without her warmth and looked around with a confused expression. He opened his mouth with a feeling of disappointment.

    ¡°What are you doing?¡± he stuttered.

    Bessie turned with a smile as the coast was clear.

    ¡°I can¡¯t believe we got em. All those enemies were slaughtered. Now some well deserved honey,¡± she said, suggestively.

    ¡°I can''t hear anything at all dear." He shrugged. "My hearing is completely destroyed from combat but I¡¯m still good as a seat.¡± he winked.

    Jed might not have heard her tone but liked the shacking boogie in his face.

    ¡°Shit well if we get the money again those techno witch doctors will fix anything,¡± she said to herself. ¡°It¡¯s gonna have to be from robbing a train or something though ain¡¯t nothing growing in these hills.¡±

    ¡°What?¡± he asked.

    ¡°Nothing.¡±

    ¡°I can¡¯t hear?¡± He yelled.

    [Smooch!]

    She could tell he was getting tense to something stupid so she turned on a dime and started kissing. The previous intense use of abilities to defeat multiple bosses had completely drained their energies. They had been knocked out for an unknown amount of time. His legs rested more before they could even summon the energy to walk home. Passionate lovemaking was also off the table so they made due for slowly exploring.

    There would probably be easy zombies to farm when the rooster crows. He whispered dirty things in her ear in the dark. She tried the same but he had become deaf from her ultimate ability. Jed trembled on realizing he would be unable to ever be able to hear the phrase ¡°I love you¡± and it was very depressing. She started using her hands as love language. He shed a couple tears but forgot about it. The sickly sweet love was hairs stand, thighs twitch, and armpits sweaty. At least he could still smell and taste her.

    Their lovemaking made a magic aurora around them. It was like a convenient plot device rapidly returning their lost mana super quickly. It felt good to be playing by the rules while pretending to be cheating. Victories came too easily to get too big for their britches.

    For as much fun as Bessie was having in the moment they had gone from great communicators to her partner being kinda like a caveman. He was grunting like a wild animal now. Oh well yeehaw.If you find this story on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the infringement.

    [Jed Smash]

    The door to the outside was kicked open at full force.Jed used his new found strength to break through while knocking away a horde of zombies crowding the other side. It had taken a long time for them to get to this point. Now the two seemingly super powered knights walked into the moonlight.

    Bessie turned to him looking fearful.

    ¡°What is it?¡± He said, peering over the edge of the environment below.

    The former farmland was an apocalyptic zone. There was nowhere to hide nearby except a soup of steaming asteroids and craters that had pulverized the tators. His eyes moved further back towards the even worse zone one of the witches had cast [napalm death] ruining it in green slushy forever chemicals.

    ¡°It should be well into the morning.¡± He stopped as the alarm bells started ringing. ¡°Maybe we slept 48 hours.¡±

    She tapped his shoulder and shook her head in strong disagreement. He turned back to the battlefield to see zombies sprinting.

    ¡°Sigh that last armored witch is still around and until she¡¯s gone these lands are under her dungeon spells that¡¯s why the other bosses on the scene after are weaker. They are in her magical arena.¡± Jed theorized without anyone able to correct him.

    She tapped on the blue box on his chest and tried sign language for the first time. Jed couldn¡¯t read himself or her very well and looked confused. She pointed back inside the silo and then at his watch. He saw she was getting frustrated trying to mouth words. Oh she was saying ¡°no XP.¡± What does that mean?

    Suddenly the silo began to shake violently like an earthquake. Jed couldn¡¯t hear the howls but he saw her face white as a ghost and filled with horror. It was like a small cyclone was building as the air was sucking them backwards towards the opening to the angry shifting sea of grain. At that moment Jed realized the werewolf was still living. He grabbed her arm and jumped over the edge while all the air was sucked.

    ¡°Crash.¡±

    They tumbled into a zombie smushing it underneath their combined weight. It helped break the fall but they were still very disoriented.

    ¡°CREEEEEEAAAAAAAK!¡±

    The ear splitting sound effect was right next to them and had Bessie shielding herself. Jed only noticed the increasingly growing cracks forming in the metal silo.

    ¡°Man we can¡¯t catch a break¡­ Let¡¯s run back home now,¡± he yelled, climbing to his feet.

    They sprinted away at full speed.

    ¡°I¡¯ll huff and I¡¯ll puff until I have my revenge HOWL!¡± growled the angry animal still contained in the grains.

    Bessie ran ahead with more points allocated in quickness than Jed. He was persistent and stayed running even with aching joints and muscles. The air began carrying them back towards the silo. It was a full on turbo suction like a shop vacuum. They grabbed and hugged onto rocks whilst zombies collided. The werewolf gobbled air like a pig gulping everything including the dirt for a root. Jed was being pulled backwards and losing grip. He couldn¡¯t see if Bessie was alright either. Just had to keep fighting to hold on. Suddenly they fell to the ground as the suck stopped as quickly as it started.

    They found each other entangled but this time it was annoying when they had limited time to run. Bessie slithered away sprinting back towards the home where she was born on ground no longer familiar.

    ¡°PUFF!¡±

    ¡°CLANG,Bang, Tang!¡±

    With a great burst of air the grain silo was split apart at the seams. Some flying chunks of metal catapulted into the environment while others were dust.The next phase had started and it was looking like the difficulty had doubled. It was funny it was raining popcorn when that wasn¡¯t what they had seen on the surface until she heard a whistle.

    ¡°Ooof.¡¯

    Bessie rugby rushed Jed knocking him out of the danger close impact. Where they had just been was a giant chunk of razor sharp heavy metal.