《You Can’t Spell Funnel Without Fun》


 Prologue: At the Base of a Mountain

    At the base of what seemed to be a mountain lay a small, but heavily fortified mansion and a wide flat field of dark granite surrounded on all sides by high stone walls without any crevice as though they had been formed from solid stone. The only way to approach the building was along a wide and straight cobbled road that led to a single, metal gate.


    This place thrummed with deep, primordial magic.


    Beyond the manse lay fields upon fields of carnivorous giant aconite. The guards at the top of the gate tossed over a haunch of meat and the nearest plants snapped at it, smashing leaves, vines, and teeth-like spikes against one another, their blue and white flowery heads attempting to devour.


    "I will have the guards disciplined, sire." His weedy voice unimpressed, Chancellor Fajor, Summoner Class, Tier 6 - High Summoner of the Kingdom, narrowed his eyes at the guards.


    Prince Almir, Conjurer Class, Tier 6 - High Lord of Funnel Science and Heir Apparent to the Throne of the Kingdom of Infundi chuckled. "No need Fajor. Let them blow off steam. This galdr has taken much longer to inscribe than all previous years. Everyone is over anxious for it to begin."


    High on the stone wall, the two men could see everything below them. Almir watched indulgently as the runic inscriptions of multicoloured sand were poured out into elaborate weaving strokes and whorls by Fajor''s handpicked Summoners.


    "This will be momentous for all of us." Though Fajor''s tone was placating, there lay a hint of pride underneath it. Almir knew that if this succeeded, it would be also the greatest triumph of Fajor''s life; for Almir had promised to marry Fajor''s youngest daughter and make her the future Queen of Infundi. Fajor would no longer just be a Chancellor, but also the Queen¡¯s father. That would make him one of the most powerful persons at Court.


    "Too long, Chancellor, the Funnel has been a danger that went unchecked. Tell me again about this Realms of Infaneli and Earth. In fact, we have a few minutes. Show me the Programmers."


    "Let me take you to see their Raid Dungeon first and the Computers. They are curious machines borne of a world without magic." Fajor''s face twitched just enough that Almir knew he had something to hide and was trying to distract.


    Years at Court and intrigue with his siblings taught Almir when to strike at a weakness or at a crack in someone''s demeanour. "What happened to the Programmers?"


    Fajor hesitated, but said, "There was an escape attempt. Some made it to a Teleportation Circle and disappeared while two sacrificed themselves by running into the aconite. We have their bodies in the morgue. They are ¡ª" Fajor took a moment and then said, "¡ª Unrecognisable and bloated. Death by monkshood is extremely disconcerting."


    "Nevermind that. Did they ruin the Expansion?"


    Fajor shook his head. "No, sire. They did not. The Betrayer assures us that the Expansion will drop, we will get the Funnelers from the best stock of this Realms of Ifaneli. He was there when it happened, sire. We also tested his words against a Telepath and she echoed the truth of his words. Besides the Teleportation circle had not been used in awhile. It may have sent them to their doom."


    "Good. Good. Give the Betrayer what he wants then. He has proven useful."


    Chancellor Fajor nodded and then he looked at the field below to see his Summoners were just finishing one last inscription. Some more sand poured into fine scrollwork, then all Summoners stepped away from them as a deep thrum of magic made the ground tremble.


    Both men looked up at the mountain. Bright multicoloured lights blossomed from the Summoning Inscription and veins of power lit, rushing up the mountain and along its edges to climb somewhere near the apex. That primordial magic exalted, poised to awaken the great Funnel itself.This story originates from Royal Road. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.


    "It is already time, your highness. Should I have a Teleport made to send you back to Court for the Funnel''s Eve?"


    "No." Almir placed his hands on his hips while looking up, way up toward the summit of the mountain. From this view, the Funnel looked so ordinary. So unremarkable. Underneath that facade, however, lay great power and a centuries long alliance that only slightly chafed.


    He would be the first royal to appease it without undermining his own people.


    "This year I have more invested in being right here, right now. I will return in Court in due time. But, for now allow me this grace. I would like to give a speech as I always do just before you catalyse the Summoning."


    "Of course. This way." Fajor led him down circular stairs built into a corner watchtower of the wall and then out into the dark granite field. They stopped just before the glowing lights of the inscriptions. Almir recognised some of the symbols, but not all. There were so many that the lights dazzled and left purple spots in his vision. He turned around, facing a crowd that had gathered while he climbed down the stairs.


    "My people. The ones who have sacrificed greatly to ensure the future of Infundi. I speak to you tonight not just as a Prince of the realm and Heir Apparent, but also as a scientist just like all of you. Tonight will be a night of triumph for our people and it''s all of you I have to thank."


    "The Funnel''s history is one of oppression and fear. It is also a history of great wealth; in knowledge and skills pulled from Its depths. And It is one of great sorrow as there are few who remained untouched by Its greedy maw."


    "It was not long ago, that each year the Funnel took indiscriminately from our masses. No person of any age was safe. No person of any class or breeding was safe."


    "But my great-grandfather and the Summoners of his time discovered a way to narrow the focus of the Funnel''s gaze. To ¡ª force It ¡ª to pull from only a portion of the populace. In their research we can see some of the inscriptions used this eve.


    ¡°With such control given by selective Summoning, we could even convince the masses to volunteer to fill the numbers of those sent to sacrifice in Its hunger by offering respite to the families of those who won the Funnel ¡ª or at least came close to the end."


    "Of course we all know that nobody has yet to exit the Funnel. The futility of the exercise was not lost on any of us."


    "I digress. At first, the focus seemed to work. We could pool our power and keep those we did not want in Its grasp out of It. Progression beyond previous years! Glorious results! Still, the Funnel hungered and the magics that kept It at bay grew weaker with each successful cycle."


    "When last year, this Funnel," he swept his arm up to the mountain before them, "took even those whose immunity was protected by our wards ¡ª including my own beloved brother ¡ª my purpose was clear: the Kingdom of Infundi had to come up with a solution."


    "You, the best magical minds in our land, came up with that solution. Using the initial research of our ancestors and some modifications, we expect that by midnight tonight, the Funnel will pull not from the people of this land, but from people of another land. Multiple other lands. Funnelers who will not be missed."


    "As my grandmother brilliantly said on the night of her father''s triumphant Summoning, the Funnel is our greatest weakness, but is also our greatest strength. She would be proud that we are using her father''s knowledge to protect you, my people."


    "So, I salute all of you. Tonight, with success of this Expansion, Funnelers will be sent who understand the meaning of what the Funnel is. They will go further and deeper than we have ever done. Most importantly, they will feed the Funnel. This may not be a lucrative Funnel year, we have no idea if these foreign Funnelers will understand what is needed to be done by them, but we will win so much more in protecting the lives of our own."


    "Oh and don''t worry. We will still send our undesirables there, of course." There were a few chuckles, enough to placate his ego.


    "Here. Here. To the Funneled."


    All gathered around him applauded except for the High Summoner who began to catalyse the inscription and one other man. This man stood alone and caught Almir''s eye. Unlike his subjects who knew not to look him directly, the man''s glance met his and with a nod, the man acknowledged him.


    The Betrayer. Almir had not met any of these Earth people so he was surprised to see that the Betrayer looked very much like anyone he would meet at Court. It was astounding that a lone man had conspired to betray his own kind, all for what? A class, some power, and his own life.


    Almir nodded back because deep down, he would let the world burn just for his class, some power, and his own life too.


    In fact, he thought as the mountain began to rumble as the Funnel awoke for another year, he already had.

 Chapter 1: World First

    Into the fourth hour of my stream, I felt a bit manic and out of control. Less than a minute before, another bigger streamer who also played Realms of Ifaneli had just dumped a streaming raid on me and I had never had so many eyes watching me at one time.


    I understood the reason why. We were in the thick of it. The patch dropped today at midnight Pacific and we''d all downloaded it, installed, and since we''d logged out right outside the dungeon, we entered the exact moment we could. Buffed and cleared the first six bosses after only a few wipes. We''d even found the three rare spawns.


    I was so tired, but forced a smile on my face. There were a hundred and thirty four new people watching me, afterall.


    I brightened my smile just a smidge. "Hey everybody! Thanks to SirFragzalot for Raiding! I hope you''re right Fragzalot that this is going to be a cool stream." I winced. So cringe. "We''re about to go deep in the depths of The Funnel of Madness to fight the Lich. Just waiting on my guildies to come back from AFK and we''re gonna kill this sucker."


    My whole body pulsed with adrenaline. A hundred and thirty four ¡ª no three ¡ª no two ¡ª people were watching. I was losing them. I felt a bit stupid having so many people with eyes on me, but if I was going to make being a streamer work, I''d have to get used to it. Self-consciousness or not. Otherwise I''d have to go out and get a fast food job to pay rent.


    "Peregrine? You there?" Over voice comms, my fellow late-night raider Kitch was back from his bio.


    Remember Kaylee, act like nobody''s watching.


    "Hey, Kitch. Yeah, I''m here." I smiled wider than it felt normal to do and I purposely did not look at my stream stats.


    "Just reading the strat logs from Test and the change log for the Update. There''s something the devs added to the patch that''s supposed to trigger in Phase 2 but it''s not in the Test strats. We should be ready for that, but no worries."


    Something about Kitch''s deep voice made everything feel comfortable like we might actually be able to succeed at this.


    I took a breath and then depressed my push-to-talk button on my mouse. "Thanks for looking that up, Kitch, you''re the only reason Late Night Crew is even progressing." It was true. Kitch had switched from the A Team progression raid to ours when his schedule at work changed. A Team and B Team ran in the evenings and were full of our best raiders and their alts. Even C Team was early morning on weekends full of folk who could be on the A Team. Late Night Crew, well up until Kitch switched a few months ago, had been the people who didn''t even get to run on their mains for any of the alt raids. The misfits. The weirdos. And Kitch.


    He had turned everything around. We went from zeroes to doing server firsts. Now according to my chat it seemed like we were about to do a world first. If we downed the Lich it would be. Across the world, raid guilds were all fighting and wiping in this dungeon right now. Some even on this boss.


    Late Night Crew was the only group in our guild keyed for the new raid in time for the patch and last week before the key despawned, the other four from the A Team had subbed in to grab it.


    I realised I''d been just staring at the screen all quiet and knew I had to speak.


    To my audience I chatted. "Not our regular Night Crew tonight. Since the recent update, we have a couple of the A Team slotted in this run." I panned my screen over the geared-out members of our raid. Next to them Kitch''s avatar waved and then danced.


    "KitchenSimon on main healer. I''m on tank heals. My roomie Tudojoia on DPS. There''s the deeps over there: Courtesy, Humplains," I purposely pronounced it Hum-Plains with a pause between the words because that drove him batty. "FairDinkies enchanting the legendary bow she just got the last fight." That''s where the regular Night Crew ended. You could tell since all the avatars I named were doing dances and goofing off like we normally did. Plus our gear was haphazard and not optimised.


    The remaining players were kitted out with best-in-slots gear. Only one joined in the stupidity of the rest of us and that was because Chocoboss was young and silly. My little guild brother. "Chocoboss is offtanking. Hey dude."


    "''Sup Peres?"


    "And there''s GoGo, Halliday all on DPS. And¡ª" I paused to look at our main tank. Best on the server. Raidleader of A Team. Guildleader. The guy everyone on the forums @mentioned. And my ex-boyfriend, Matt.


    "¡ªValhz on main tank."


    Chocoboss used a harmless tinkerer firework that lit up the screen. He spun around in circles.


    My view count suddenly dropped by about twenty. I tried not to look like I cared at all.


    C''mon Kaylee. Be entertaining! I could hear an echo of Valhz'' voice. Back when we were together and our computers were set up right next to one another and we streamed on his channel. Ages ago. Eons ago. Well, last year.


    "I''m Kaylee ¡ª Peregrine ¡ª and I play different games every night, but mostly Realms of Ifaneli. I''ve got five max level characters, but right now I''m playing my Dieux Priestess. If we down the Lich tonight, I''m hopeful that my helm will drop because I''m leading DKP."


    I''d also been highest healing for the whole of the dungeon so far. Whoever designed these bosses made them mostly tank and spanks with lots of heavy damage on the tanks. Last fight a clutch heal from Kitch had stopped Valhz from dropping when I ran out of mana and some AOE knocked me out. It had been down to just Valhz and Kitch up. They duo''d the last quarter of the boss'' health. It''s how we even downed it.


    Now we were on the Lich. Final boss of the dungeon. A really complicated fight and one that''d require all of my focus.


    I depressed the push-to-talk. "Everyone here?"


    There was a chorus of the others all announcing they returned from AFK. All of them, except for Matt.


    Where was Valhz? We were waiting a bit too long. I''d buffed everyone as soon as we were back up from the last fight and they were ticking low so I''d need to reapply them. Plus, the longer we idled, my viewers continued to drop.


    Discord chat was murmuring constantly in my ear, but it was the general hubbub of a bored bunch of guildies who would probably lose steam if they didn''t get going soon.


    My livestream chat was active. I muted one guy for a bunch of trolling and responded to some other comments," Oh yeah. I look frustrated because we don''t typically AFK this long. We''ll have to rebuff for sure for this attempt." It was also 4 am and we couldn''t go past 5.


    A follower chatted to tell me that our closest competition for world first had wiped on the Lich''s first phase. That was really good news.


    I let my guildies know over voice chat. Everyone cheered. "Let''s goooo!" Chocoboss yelled so loudly it caused feedback from someone else''s speakers.


    I tried very hard not to look over at the laptop perched on the side of my computer desk. Before buying my new rig, it had been what I gamed on. At the moment, it had one screen up and it was a different view of the same dungeon full of the same people with a small window showing an empty desk where Matt should be sitting. His view count was always at about 400 during the A Team raid nights. Tonight it was really high.You might be reading a pirated copy. Look for the official release to support the author.


    As I babbled inanely to the people watching me, my mind was distracted with thoughts of Matt. What was he doing? Did he know that I watched his channel with a sockpuppet account? Where was he? This was the longest freaking AFK ever¡ª


    Just then, Matt came into view. Not just him, but also Her. I forgot all about my own chat and keeping up the conversation. I might have just trailed off in the middle of a sentence.


    She was carrying a laundry basket and went around the room completely in view of the camera. I didn''t have audio on from Matt''s stream and he was muted in Discord. It was clear that the discussion between them was heated. From the way Matt acted, he probably had no idea he left the stream up and no doubt he hadn''t even muted his mic on that channel.


    I tore off my headset and pressed the up volume on my laptop. I am sad to say I forgot my own stream as I stared, riveted, at Matt''s stream.


    "¡ª can''t believe you! This is the third time you are playing after midnight and you missed an appointment with our therapist so you could nap for this!" She waved her manicured hand at the computer set up. She was grabbing things from shelves and tossing them into the laundry basket. She yelled and tossed. Yelled and tossed. "How am I supposed to explain to someone I''m paying hundreds of dollars to see that you missed it for some videogame that you play with your ex-girlfriend?"


    I felt my cheeks heat. I wasn''t sure to be embarrassed because it was clear from Her tone that it was childish and stupid to play the game but then also maybe She was jealous that he spent so much time with me...and fifty-seven of our closest guild mates. That last thought made me frown and not feel quite so special.


    "Look, babe." At Matt''s pet name for Her, I cringed. He used to call me that. To be fair, I had kinda hated it, but it was even worse to know that he called Her the same pet name. "She means nothing to me. Just we''re actually on the final boss of Shade and if we get him down tonight we''ll be a server first. Maybe even a world first. Babe, can you stop grabbing your Funkos. C''mon, babe. Don''t do this now, please."


    "What? Don''t want me to leave while you have your stupid little game to play?" She grabbed another Funko Pop and She shook it at him threateningly, "We haven''t even had sex for the past three weeks because of this Tunnel¡ª"


    "¡ªFunnel." He corrected and then visibly winced as She gaped incredulously at him.


    "Seriously? Seriously!" She grabbed something from the shelf, it looked shiny and plastic but was not a Funko Pop and She hurled it at him. Her aim was off, what with balancing the now quite full laundry basket on one arm, but nearly clipped him in the head.


    Matt ducked and then stood up giving his Look. It was the most smug, most smarmy, most stupid looking face he ever gave. He was always trying for Cheeky Devil but it usually came off more as Pompous Ass.


    She had something in her free hand. It was shiny, dark and plastic. There was a black fabric cape and a long red lightsaber.


    Oh no. I recognized what it was. Probably Matt''s most prized possession. It wasn''t mint-in-box, but it was from his childhood.


    "Hey babe. Please put Darthy down. Please. Babe? He doesn''t deserve this. Neither do I. It''s just a game."


    He was lucky She missed him. Darth Vader ¡ª all 12 inches of him ¡ª flew past. Then She grabbed something else and hurled it at him. More things that were clearly his action figures. They flew across the room to the sound of crunching and thuds as they hit the far wall. Then one smashed right into Matt''s shoulder and went careening toward the camera. It landed short, but was very dramatic.


    "Just a game? Just a game!"


    Did he know that he was streaming this?


    I thought for a moment about how I should feel bad for watching this fight live on his stream. I should possibly text or call Matt to let him know he was live. But then I saw his views were way higher than normal as people jumped into watch reality streaming at its finest. Also, people were practically spamming the channel with tips. So maybe it was actually helping him not to let him know, right?


    Matt''s gaming room was a battlefield of tossed collectibles. Nothing was spared. She''d even punched the cardboard cutout of the Paladin from Ifaneli in the face. Multiple times. It only hung by a bent cardboard hinge.


    I winced. Matthew had been stoked to get the cardboard Paladin from his job at GameStop. I remembered him gushing about how many extended warranties he sold that weekend to get it.


    With the murder of the cardboard Paladin done, She was out of physical ammunition and instead went for verbal. "What a waste of a year of my life. I''m done. I''m so done. You were shit in bed anyway." With that truth bomb dropped, She just stomped off-screen.


    Matt stared after Her and he took way too long to react. He then shot Her the middle finger. The chat went wild. People were spamming truly insulting emojis and it was unclear who the recipient was since it was scrolling so fast. There were thousands of people watching. He might have made the Main Page.


    Did Matt truly just give his girlfriend the middle finger? Did She say he was bad in bed? Was it true? I didn''t have much experience with sex, but he had been my First and it hadn''t been too bad. I didn''t think. But then again, he had been the one who cheated because apparently our sex life was boring. Was that irony?


    Defiant Matt with the middle finger suddenly cowered and looked very apologetic as She came back into the camera view. "Oh yeah? You want to tell me to fuck myself? Well guess what? Fucking myself is way more enjoyable than fucking you."


    I gasped and I wasn''t the only one since chat switched emojis to the Shocked Face. So many Shocked Faces.


    Matt ran off-screen, was gone for a minute, then he ran on-screen and up to the camera. His eyes were raging with anger. He put on his headset and looked at the monitor where he typically had Discord up. He unmuted himself to the guild.


    "I''m back. Buff up and let''s do this."


    I reached up to adjust my headset but then realised the headset was nowhere near my head. I grabbed it off my desk, held the mic up to my mouth and pushed press-to-talk button. "Okay everyone. Incoming buffs. Kitch repeat the strat?"


    "Sure, Peregrine." As Kitch repeated the strategy he''d found from the raiders on the test server, I buffed the group and doled out potions.


    I wanted to know if Matt had any idea that his chat was full of questions like whether his ex-girlfriend was as hot of a thot as his current one. But he rarely interacted with his chat while raiding so maybe he hadn''t seen the activity.


    If I hadn''t known Matt for as long as I had, I would have guessed he was faking the fight for the views. But how many times had Matt said he didn''t like fighting and abhorred faking it for the views. He wouldn''t AFK for this long without a real reason. He was always spouting off about "integrity" and "loyalty."


    Yet, he was the one who cheated.


    My own stream had been chatting on without me. The view count was down to about the same as it ever was. My one mod had booted some randos who asked for foot pics and there was an exodus after that. Probably all headed to see the drama on Matt''s stream.


    Part of me felt bad for Matt, but there was a part ¡ª the petty part ¡ª that enjoyed seeing him get torn apart on stream.


    "Served him right." I said, accidentally, out loud. Oops. I had automatically pressed the push-to-talk.


    "What''s that Peres?" Chocoboss asked me.


    "Uhh. Just we''re gonna serve this boss." I covered for my weirdness. I think.


    We set up all ready to rush into place as soon as Kitch gave the order. "Okay. Small pull FairDinkies."


    On that command, FairDinkies shot an arrow from range at the item in the room which those on the test server had said would summon the Lich. If the raid was in the room with him, he''d send out an attack that caused a debuff where you could not heal any health back for 2 minutes. Since we were all hiding in the doorway, it theoretically wouldn''t affect us.


    Sure enough the Lich appeared in the center of the room and a wash of dark magic spread out around him. It hit nobody. Success.


    "Tanks now." Valhz took over the orders then.


    Both Chocoboss and Valhz rushed in to tank sharing the threat so that the Lich was turned this way and then that way as he did his gaze attack. I healed through the gazes. They hit like a truck. First Choco''s health plummeted. Then Valhz took damage. My heal over time spell barely had time to top them off before they''d switch and then I''d have to spam full heals on them.


    I had my focus on their health bars and balanced my mana use. I couldn''t see the boss''s health or the output of the DPS, but felt that thrill when I heard Valhz announce, "Health''s almost at 50%, incoming phase 2."


    I barely noticed that the room around us changed colours as strange symbols began to glow in a circle around the Lich.


    "Everyone in the circle! Stack up!" Valhz commanded. We all rushed into the circle close to the Lich''s feet, stacking upon one another. At that point, only Valhz continued hitting the boss. I laughed as Chocoboss''s avatar began dancing sexily in the Lich''s crotch.


    "Ready? 5-4-3-2-1. Phase 2!"


    I felt a strange buzzing in my ears and the weird sensation of dropping from a large height extremely fast. Then there was an audible popping sound.


    And my room was gone.


    Darkness. The only other time I experience something like that was when I fainted during a choral concert in junior high. One moment I was singing Under the Sea and the next the world sucked in on itself and darkness overcame everything.


    This was that, only the darkness was coloured deep greens and purples. It swirled. For a moment, I could hear the others in the raid crying out. Then I heard a pop and static sizzle. Then silence.


    In that place of in-between and nothing only one thing came out clear. A singular voice in an accent that sounded unfamiliar and at the same time carried a hint of old-timey radio man.


    "Welcome to the Funnel! It''s a World First!"

 Chapter 2: Welcome to the Funnel.

    I hate that feeling when you''re on an airplane and your ears are plugged and you have to make dying fish movements with your mouth to pop your ears. I think it''s something to do with the difference in air pressure. Whatever it is, that''s what I felt after hearing those four words which would change my life forever.


    "Welcome to the Funnel!"


    It was dark. There must have been a power outage. One downside to streaming was that I had to block out all outside light in my bedroom or I was backlit. There was this one street light outside our apartment that constantly shone in my window at an angle that made me look like a hideous beast -- or so said the rando that dropped in my channel just to troll and insult me. After that I used thick drapes over my windows to block out light.


    "Oh man!" Of course there was a power outage in the middle of an attempt. I hoped to hell that we could get back into the game before the group either wiped or killed the boss.


    I pushed back my chair as I stood. "Suze! Do you have power?" I called out. No response. I stumbled a bit in the dark toward the doorway of my room. "Where is the breaker?"


    I''ve been in that apartment for about a year. Suze had allowed me to move into the second bedroom in her apartment just after Matt dumped me. She also invited me to join the Late Night Crew instead of getting benched from the B Team.


    Honestly, there had been lots of power outages of late. What with the heat wave and everyone running their AC all day. Plus my new rig set up with all the RGB paraphernalia I bought, well ever since the new update it seemed to draw way more power than it should. I hadn''t figured out why.


    Where was my cellphone? I touched my back pockets and then felt in the front kangaroo pocket of my hoodie. Nope. I must have left it on the desk somewhere.


    I reached forward to grab the phone off the desk. Where I typically had my phone on the charger, it wasn''t there. I probably forgot it in the bathroom.


    Where was the light? I tsked in annoyance.


    With a soft fppthisss, a round golf ball-sized ball of light glowed on just in front of my face. Finally.


    You have learned Cantrip: Minor Globe of Light. Somatic and verbal components required. Duration of 10 seconds at this level of the spell.


    The voice that said that spiel echoed in my head and it sounded suspiciously like the computer voice in the Star Trek. What was her name? The one who played Lwaxana. Oh well, it didn''t matter. The point was, it was exactly like her voice.


    I blinked. The glowing light hovered about my face and then poofed out of existence.


    "Salutations Funneler and welcome! Your raid has succeeded in being the first to be chosen to experience the Funnel of Madness. I am Nigel Montgomery, Bard Class Fifth Tier, Royal Voice of Infundi for this the first Annual Outsourced Funnel!" There was the sound of applause that was very much like a terrible 90s sitcom audience.This narrative has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. If you see it on Amazon, please report it.


    I couldn''t see anything. Where was the sound coming from?


    "Hey Suze! Can you turn that thing off?" I yelled as I turned around in a circle and then stumbled in the dark trying to find the edge of my desk.<u>


    </u>


    "Suze! Hey Suze!" I turned by head this way and that, but couldn''t see anything. A kernel of panic nestled itself within my mind and I could feel the full-blown panic attack about to bloom. Suze was bombastic and loud. She should be swearing up a storm and stomping her way to fix the power outage.


    I stumbled as my foot hit the edge of the futon I used for a bed. Now, I''d done that plenty of times before, but this time it hurt like a sonofabitch.


    The voice, that old timey radio man''s voice, spoke again. "Thank you. Thank you. Now, we understand that many of you are ill-equipped for this experience. That is an unfortunate side effect of our new recruitment galdr, however, this first level of the dungeon typically is full of low level gear and minor magic items that will help you level up whichever class you do choose to grow."


    Galder? Dungeon? Magic items? I touched my head. Did the excitement of watching Matt''s fight, getting to the last boss, and then having to tank heal cause some kind of embolism and now I was in a coma? Wait. Was I dead?


    "This greeting has been woven into the fabric of the teleportation spell so it can be extra long and allow me to explain some things that are typically taught to our usual Funnelers. Periodically, spells-willing, you will hear my dulcet tones again to announce the standings and explain each level of the dungeon to you."


    "There is a timed component to the Funnel. This first floor is around for a tenday. Even if you have not levelled or picked a class by then, you will automatically portal to the second floor of the dungeon. Please try and find a class as you will be behind the others and be more likely to uhh... not make it to the third level." He laughed uproariously as if that meant something.


    "Everything you find is yours. Anything might be useful. You never know! The first floor will be a learning experience, but you can still die."


    Can still die? With sudden clarity, I touched my fingers to the pulse point in my neck and counted. Despite the panic speeding up my heart rate, I definitely did have a pulse.


    "So be careful! Since none of you already have classes, this will be a unique opportunity. If only we could communicate back with you. Alas, that is the way of the Funnel of Madness." The canned audience then let out a dejected aww sound.


    The panic attack was coming. I could feel it rising. I closed my eyes and tried to imagine the panic energy flowing out from my body and through my feet into the floor. I tried not to fight the urge to hyperventilate. Instead I took long, staggering breaths.


    The voice was still going on and on. I tried to listen while also breathing and transferring the energy to my feet and out into the world.


    "I know. I know. But! And this is an important but! Periodically you will find marked chests bearing the crest of the Infundi Marketplace on them. We ask that you place items that no longer have value to you within them. In exchange, you will find items that will be useful for your excursion into the Funnel. Healing potions, food, water, bandages. The more you send us, the more we supply! Win! Win!"


    "Now, as another one of you have probably discovered by now, the Funnel typically starts you off in a precarious location and in total darkness. I suggest finding a light!"


    I felt the moment where the panic just released. The tightness in my body ceased. A calm broke over me.


    You have learned ability: Calming breath. Requires concentration.


    "Good luck to you all! Happy leveling and Funnelers! And remember; you can''t spell Funnel without Fun!"

 Chapter 3: Let There Be Light

    The silence after the sourceless voice was almost oppressive, but the after effects of the Calming Breath skill were pretty damn great. I felt like I had taken lorazepam. The panic was entirely gone and instead I felt that calm that allowed me to think straight.


    To get through this, I had to make some decisions.


    I could assume some crazy person had drugged and kidnapped me. Maybe this was some kind of rich guy''s weird game. Like some Eyes Wide Shut stuff. Not that I had actually watched that movie since it was made way before I was born, but I knew the reference from memes. If this was that, then the goal was to escape and call the authorities. I''d listened to enough murder podcasts to stay sexy and not get murdered.


    But, what about the Calming Breath skill. I was still standing in one place, I heard the voice tell me about the skill, and then I felt the after effects. Really good after effects.


    Ignoring the fact I was probably dead already ¡ª or maybe accepting the fact that I was dead and this was some kind of afterlife. The words the old-timey radio guy ¡ª Monty? ¡ª had used had some meaning to me. He mentioned a dungeon. I knew all about dungeons from Realms of Ifaneli. I also knew all about dungeons from murder podcasts. I really hoped this was supposed to be more of the former rather than the latter.


    I could also assume this was a hallucination. Or I was in a coma. Or I was dreaming and it was really realistic. Only I suddenly really had to pee and if it was a dream, I hoped it wasn''t the one where I could never find a toilet.


    Plus, the Star Trek voice had spoken twice. Once, a spell and another, a skill. It reminded me of the pop-ups when you randomly unlocked skills in Realms. Mind you, the pop-ups were the world exploring and profession skills and not the truly useful skills of your class. Those you unlocked with levelling and talent purchase through feat points.


    But that was just how Realms did it. Every game was different. Typically it took me a month to learn a game''s mechanics and to understand how it worked. Also to play not like a complete newb or blow useful skill points or whatever on pointless things. So you didn''t have to respec later. Or start over with a new class.


    I didn''t have a month. I had a week-ish. I also had no idea if I could reroll if I chose wrong.


    "I need a light." I said out loud in exasperation then tsked.


    The globe of light popped into existence with the ffpppfddhist sound of before.


    Level up! Cantrip Minor Globe of Light. Somatic and verbal components required. Duration of 20 seconds at this level of the spell.


    I counted in my head and the light popped out of existence after 20 seconds.


    So if I cast it again, it should last 40 seconds right?


    "I need light." I said out loud.


    Darkness.


    "Hello? Light?"


    Nothing. Just the darkness.


    Annoyed, I tsked and the globe of light appeared. But this time, there was no alert that the spell had leveled up. The globe lasted 20 seconds again. Ahh. The tsking did it. That would be the verbal component.


    "Okay Kaylee." I talked to myself. "We''re going full in on this. No chaser. If this is a dungeon and that was a spell you leveled after 2 uses, but not 3. Then how many tsks," the globe of light burst into existence again, "does it take to level up again? Well, not 4, obviously. And what do you do to move the ball of light?" I waved my hand around and got my answer. The globe floated lazily in whatever direction I moved my hand as if I dragged a helium balloon attached by a string.The tale has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.


    As it moved, I got a view of where I was. It looked like a large stone walk-in closet similar in dimensions to my room. No, it was my room. A replica of my room. Except where the closet would be with its accordion doors, there was just a bar and a couple of empty wooden hangers. My desk was there. The chair and mouse too. That was about it for real items and I noticed that the bucket of cosplay weapons I had that leaned against the desk were gone. Weirdly, outside a ring around my desk, the things that would be my clothes, or shoes, or whatever were outright missing. Anything else tchotchke-like including my bookshelf full of YA urban fantasy novels was just carved right into the wall in stone.


    No wonder my foot throbbed. The futon was entirely stone.


    When I turned back to the window, I was glad for the chill pill the skill had given me because a humanoid shape was just there. A looming wooden mannequin with no facial features stood with its arms akimbo and legs straight. It was creepy AF. Even more creepy when the light popped off.


    I tsked and recast the globe spell. That was going to get old real quick. Hopefully, it would level soon so I didn''t have to remember to tsk every 20 seconds. Also one globe was not as useful as multiple.


    When I thought that, the globe split itself into two and then three and then four.


    Modification! Cantrip Minor Globes of Light. Somatic and verbal components required. Duration of 20 seconds at this level of the spell.


    Alright. If I could modify a spell into a different version of itself, then clearly I needed to figure out how to turn this spell into a go the fuck home spell.


    "Tsk teleport home!" The globes of light went on, but nothing else happened.


    "Well. Shit."


    "Kaylee? Is that you?"


    "Suze? I''ve been yelling for ages."


    "Where are you I -- Ow!" There was a thud, then a sickening sounding crunch and Suze -- who was typically the fearless person in the house who crushed the spiders and bugs for me -- let out the kind of girly scream that I had never heard from her in my life.


    "Tsk! Tsk!"


    The globes appeared and frantically I waved my arms about, moving them across the room like balloons being dragged slowly from here to there.


    The door to my room was wood and it was exactly where it would be in the layout of the apartment. I leaped toward it and I slammed it open. "Suze. I don''t know what you are doing, but this is--" I gargled, choking on the thing I was about to say.


    In a stone replica of the hallway of our apartment, a giant spider the size of at least a dachshund -- maybe even a schnauzer -- had its hairy spidery, tarantula legs splayed wide and rather largish fangs dripping with lime green venom onto Suze''s painter white overalls while it spun some kind of web from its back end and was wrapping the stuff around Suze''s legs. Suze, herself, wasn''t moving and seemed to be passed out.


    I screamed a scream that I bet beat out Suze''s prior one by a good couple decibels.


    The spider, turned its scary as heck face toward the sound. Its giant multiple eyes whirled at me as it raised its furry front legs showing off paws with razor sharp claws at the tip. I hate spiders. I don''t care that the internet thinks they''re cute. Well internet, you''d be scared shitless too if a spider like this one ended up in front of you.


    The globes of light disappeared.


    I didn''t think, I just reacted with the terror I felt. I tsked the lights back into existence, reached down, pulled off my slippers and pelted them at the spider. The fuzzy white bunnies bounced off, but beaned it in one of the bigger eyes. Then I raced back into my -- no, the stone -- room looking for something to squash a small dog-sized spider with.


    The only thing there was my desk, chair, and the mannequin. I wrapped my arms around it and tugged. It barely moved. It was heavier than it looked since it looked to be solid wood anyway. I yanked at one arm. It popped out of the socket. I whirled around.


    The spider''s leg curled around the doorway as it crawled into the room, a menace at the doorway. I swung the arm. It bent at the ball joint in the elbow and seemed to whirl a bit. I flailed it at the spider frantically. Despite my lack of finesse and skill, the wood fist hit the spider in the head. And then in an arm. And then over and over as I screamed and smashed it with the arm.


    "DIE! DIE! DIE! DIEEEE!"


    The spider''s insides were just as gross as the outsides. Splattering bug guts covered the wooden arm, the floor, the doorway, walls, and me. All over me. I could feel the goo of flesh on my face, over my arms, and down my neck. I only stopped screaming when a bit of bug got into my mouth. I spit it out and it made me angrier so I smashed harder and harder.


    You have killed Baby Giant Spider.


    I asked incredulously at the corpse, "Baby?"


    My lights disappeared.


    Could that have only been 20 seconds?


    "Okay. That''s really annoying. How many tsks does it take to get to a freaking upgrade around here?"


    The light globes popped into existence as if to mock me.

 Chapter 4: Touch My Butt

    "Oh shit! Suze!" I ran back out the door into the hallway while brandishing the spider-gut splattered mannequin arm in front of me in what I hoped was a threatening manner. Only the balljoint whirled and the arm flopped over pathetically.


    The lights bobbed in my wake like balloons following a child.


    Suze sat in the middle of the stone hallway with a wan expression on her face. In shock, she stared at the webbing wrapped around her while her expression turned into one of confusion.


    "Suze? Susana?"


    "A spider just wrapped me in a cocoon?" It was a question, but also a statement at the same time. Her Brazilian accent was thicker than normal. There was fear on her face along with that confusion.


    "Yeah, I killed it. A baby giant spider."


    "Baby spiders can''t spin." Suze said in her pedantic way that she did when I said something dumb. Usually it was over the cool fun science facts that people forwarded from TikTok that Suze always claimed had very little proof behind them, but made for a great byline so the media liked to post them. "It didn''t have a spinneret. How did it spin this?" Suze touched the silk and then she gasped. "I just had a voice ask if I wanted to loot spider silk."


    "Loot it!" I shouted and tsked in case my lights gave out.


    "How do I do that?"


    "I dunno. Say yes maybe?"


    "Yes?" Suze was more asking a question to clarify if that was what I meant, but it didn''t matter the context. The affirmation was enough. The spider silk disappeared.


    She shrieked, scrambling backwards and smacked into the stone wall. Then groaned and rubbed her head.


    "Where''d it go? Do you have an inventory?" I looked her over, trying to discern if there was anything different about her. But the woman looked the same. Same white overalls covered in splatters of paint. Same ridiculously pristine white running shoes, despite the rest of her clothes being covered in all kinds of paint colours. She looked like she typically did.


    "Kaylee. What the shit is going on?"


    "You heard the guy?"


    Suze nodded. "Mmhm. The one who sounded like a used car salesman?"


    "Yeah. Him." The lights disappeared. "Wait a minute." I tsked and they came back to life.


    "What the shit is that?"


    "A spell. A cantrip. I learned it right away. I bet you can learn it too. Just think let there be light. And then there is. The command word seems to be tsking." The globes flared brighter in response for a second, but then back to their typical brightness. "This would be so much easier if I had UI or a HUD or something."


    When I said that, my vision went blank in blackness and then pixelated squares cleared out like a terrible PowerPoint transition until I could see again, but this time my vision held a rudimentary UI that not was dissimilar to the unmodded UI of Realms. It''d been so long since I saw it in that form, that it was likely to be the unmodded UI of Realms.


    I felt that ping. That feeling I got when I watched a crime show and saw the person that we''d later find out was the killer. If there was audio attached to the feeling, it''d be deep and foreboding. Something right out of that Inception movie soundtrack.Enjoying this book? Seek out the original to ensure the author gets credit.


    I ignored it because when I tsked some light into existence, I got an alert.


    Level up! Cantrip Minor Globes of Light. Somatic and verbal components required. Duration of 40 seconds at this level of the spell.


    "Finally!" My relief was so very potent that I almost forgot to tell Suze about the UI. Almost. "Oh! If you think about things, they seem to pop into existence. Like I now have a HUD. It''s really terrible, but maybe I can download some addons for it." It dawned on me that I didn''t even know how to access another site to download anything since my computer was not even there.


    We spent a few moments talking Suze''s UI into existence. Suze was not stupid, but she had a difficult time at first translating what would require using a mouse and hotkeys to instead use thought and verbal commands.


    Finally it appeared for her. "I don''t know what you''re complaining about. The HUD looks fine to me."


    "Right. Because you still use the default one in Realms."


    "It does seem really similar. There. Oh yes. I get it now."


    Once she got it, she got it. Suze''s eyes turned somewhat glazed as she peered into her own UI. "Found the inventory. There''s the silk and my cellphone. I wonder how I get it--" The cellphone appeared in her hand. "--No bars." She did the stereotypical lift up your phone high to see if you get a signal, then sweep around until she finally dropped her arm and the phone disappeared again -- possibly in her inventory.


    "Want to practice the light spell?"


    Suze rolled her eyes and stood up. "No thanks. I never play spellcasters." She turned about in the hallway, staring down at her overalls and patting herself down. Her back end was filthy with dirt. Also so was the floor. You could see our footprints and the scuffle marked in an inch thick pile of dust collected on the ground.


    "I''m just saying that - tsk - having spells will come in handy."


    "I''d rather use a torch." Suze paused after having said that and she screwed up her face. "Don''t tell me you''re going to tell me how to play again." We''d had this same discussion last week when I she said she was bored in Realms and I said she should roll a spellcasting alt.


    "It''s not that. I''m trying to tell you that I''m fairly sure knowing spells might be useful here." I said. I reached out to dust off Suze''s behind.


    The moment my hand touched overall and, by extension, Suze''s butt, the voice spoke again.


    Would you like to heal Suze - Tier 0 - High Rise Window Cleaner?


    I blinked. High Rise Window Cleaner? "Uhh, yes. Yes, I would."


    "Yes you would wha¡ªwoaaaah!" Suze jumped up as the jolt of healing energy hit her behind.


    You have learned Spell: Minor Healing Touch. Somatic and verbal components required. Distance of Touch. Duration instantaneous. Repairs 1 hit point at this level of the spell.


    "What the shit was that?"


    "I learned a new spell. A healing spell. This is crazy. But what''s crazy is -- why are you a High Rise Window Cleaner?"


    "I''m not an High Rise Window Cleaner."


    "When I healed your butt, the game voice told me you were a High Rise Window Cleaner. A tier zero one."


    Suze looked truly confused. "That doesn''t make sense. I mean. I sometimes clean windows on jobsites, but I lay drywall and do painting."


    "Can you see what I am?" I asked.


    "Can''t see anything in the HUD except your name floating above your head."


    "Hmm. Touch my butt."


    Suze narrowed her eyes. "I''m not touching your butt."


    "I want to know!"


    "Does it have to be the butt?"


    I shrugged. "It worked that way for me."


    "No, I''m not touching your butt. I''ll try to inspect you. Nope. Not working." She harumphed. "I don''t get this anyway. Kaylee, did you sign us up for some kind of kidnapping VR experience?"


    "You think I could afford that? Let alone have any connections that would be able to do such a thing?"


    "I don''t know what your internet sugar daddies do with you all day."


    Exasperated, I raised my voice to say, "I am not a streaming thot okay. I play the games on my stream. I don''t even make the kind of money those women do. I got tipped once and I''m pretty sure it was an accident."


    "Still. These are some impressive graphics. Seems really real. I actually can feel my arms and the things I''m holding. Can I have that guts-covered -- whatever it is you''re holding?"


    "Be my guest." The arm flapped limply as I passed it over.


    When Suze touched the arm, the disembodied voice asked, Would you like to give Suze Tier 0 - High Rise Window Cleaner the Kaylee Mannequin Arm? Yes or no?"


    "Yes. She can have it."


    It disappeared as Suze''s mouth formed an amused and mocking moue. She laughed gleefully the way she did when she had some great form of juicy gossip and wanted to share it.


    "What?" I asked, slightly concerned.


    "I knew you were a streaming thot. Miss Kaylee - Tier 0 - ASMR Content Creator."


    "No." I said with disbelief.


    "Oh yes. Oh yes," Then she began to laugh her face off.

 Chapter 5: Send One of Your Balls With Me

    Once my class or whatever the starting label ASMR Content Creator meant was said out loud, then I actually saw the words were in the upper right corner of my UI, in small text, just above the minimap. Had it always been there and I just missed it? I certainly hoped not.


    The minimap itself only showed the map places where I had been. So that hadn''t changed.


    "I am not an ASMR streamer. I am not." My voice sounded far too petulant to even my own ears. "Besides, you aren''t an High Rise Window Cleaner so clearly this is some kind of joke class thing."


    The lights poofed away.


    "Tsk."


    "We need to find a more permanent light source." Suze looked around the hallway and then walked down toward the door which ¡ª if they were in our apartment ¡ª would lead to Suze''s room. "Send one of your balls with me."


    "I don''t know if I can do that," I said, but one of the globes followed in Suze''s wake as if it had a mind of its own. The rest remained floating nearby.


    "Be careful!" I added and then felt a little stupid for pointing that out to her. Suze did not give two shits about what anyone said about her or to her. Telling her to be careful was just plain condescending. I needed to watch that.


    Truth to fact, telling Suze how to do anything seemed a little bit stupid. My roommate came from Brazil and had moved to an entirely different country alone to go to school, learn a totally different language, and worked like six different jobs at the same time -- not all of them paying above the table.


    I was about to apologise, but Suze was already gone into her room.


    While she did that, I went back into my room to see the actual layout. A quick glance around the space showed that it matched the layout of my actual room and where the window was there was just a gaping hole without the giant super thick light-blocking curtains. I poked my head out the window and one of the balls floated into what looked to be a massively deep ravine and a dark stone cavern ceiling only 20 feet or so above.


    Leaning out, I could see windows above us which were similar to the second floor of our apartment building. No windows below though.


    Careful to refresh my spell before the balls disappeared, I swooped the globe of light around the ravine as far as I could until it just stopped and went no further. I swept the ball along this invisible barrier, similar to reaching the edge of the map or the invisible boundaries in a video game. I sent a second ball out and it zoomed away until it also hit an invisible wall.


    On both sides, the rocky ravine continued onwards lengthwise and also deeper. The balls themselves only seemed to illuminate a certain distance in brightness and a bit further in low light.If you stumble upon this narrative on Amazon, it''s taken without the author''s consent. Report it.


    "I looted everything in my room and in the bathroom. I''m going to take everything in yours now."


    I agreed with a noise as I continued to test out the lights and ravine. With the return of Suze''s globe in the room, the light nearby expanded. Just bright enough as if there were two sources of light in the room. I could move them together and they would not combine, but became like a mass of light globes. Controlling them individually took attention, but I found I could just think about them doing a thing and it was done. Maybe at some point I wouldn''t have to think about it. Like riding a bike.


    "I think my spell has a maximum distance. Or maybe if this is VR, then the draw distance... no. Things seems to exist past the bright radius of the light created by the globes and they''re rendered really well."


    "Half that was gibberish to me, but this is not VR. This is very real but ... not," she said.


    Suze lifted up the heavy Kaylee mannequin and then it disappeared, likely into her inventory. "Uhh. Wow. That had been heavy." I said and felt stupid saying the obvious.


    Suze just grinned. "I unlocked a skill. Something called Oxen Strength. Kinda insulting title, but it made everything easier to pick up." To prove her point, she reached up for the metal bar with the hangers on it attached to the wall and pulled. It came loose with the sound of metal scraping against stone and as soon as it was free from the wall, it disappeared. "I''m going to loot the kitchen and living room."


    "Right." I sent a second ball of light after Suze and pulled the two down the ravine back into the room which was now very empty since she had looted everything you could loot. I had a moment of sadness for the bookshelf and those books I could not loot, then yelled down the hallway. "You forgot the door!"


    Suze shouted back from down the hall, "I can''t rip them from their hinges yet. I''m trying to level the skill."


    Right. It began to make a bit more sense. Skills. Spells. Using them levelled them. So how did we unlock either thing? I wondered if the Tier-0 ASMR class gave any benefits. I focused in on my HUD, imagining a character sheet or skill tree or something that would show the current abilities or even possible abilities I could have.


    If only it was that simple. Nothing happened. I could only see the minimap where I saw the blue circle that had to be Suze as well as two tiny glowing blips moving around in a dark patch that from the distance probably was our kitchen. I could see my lights on the minimap. Cool. It still was all very basic. In Realms I had downloaded an upgraded minimap addon because the game''s basic one was just so bad. This one was very bad.


    "This game could really use a tutorial!" I shouted, but alas nothing seemed to happen.


    The minimap''s fog-of-war had expanded to encompass the ravine and showed where my window was and also Suze''s as well as a jut-out that had to be the small apartment balcony. Basically everywhere that I had been able to view within a range, even if I hadn''t seen them myself. That was useful to know. You didn''t need to look directly at something for it to unlock in the map, you just had to be in the area near it. Though walls seemed to block the unlocking. That meant the game had some form of line-of-sight mechanics.


    I moved through the apartment again aware I had to pee. First I checked Suze''s room, where there was nothing left and it looked as though she had unsuccessfully tried to pry a stone out of the doorjam. Then into the bathroom which had a hole in it where the toilet typically stood and that was it. No shower with the creepy bathtub that neither of us ever actually had a bath in. No sink and 1970s melamine counter. Just the hole.


    I leaned over the hole and sniffed the air. The globes floated as I checked see if there was anything down the hole. I had a rule about not peeing into outhouses and a toilet hole sans the seat was essentially an outhouse.


    The light pulsed as two things happened at once. I tsked to refresh the spell while a multi-eyed face glittered up at me then lunged.


    Words flashed across my vision in the HUD.


    COMBAT INITATED!

 Chapter 6: Toilet Hole Combat

    The spider expanded as it squeezed out of the toilet hole. This one was definitely bigger than the other had been. About the size of an Italian mastiff. The spider''s multi-faceted eyes circled and glowed with an eery greenish light.


    You have been restrained by Baby Giant Spider''s Paralysis Stare.


    The words flashed quickly at the bottom of the screen in the space that the default chat window would be.


    I felt all parts of my body just become solidly rigid and I lost feeling to those limbs. I couldn''t feel my fingers. I couldn''t feel my toes. Vertigo hit as I realised my head felt like it was just floating in the air without any substance beneath.


    The spider slowly crawled closer. All the furry limbs moved forward one leg at a time. Panic rose within me. I saw that my circular minimap flashed with a red ring around it, showing the spider as a red dot. Above the spider''s head was the name Guilty Baby Giant Spider. The difference between its name and the alert of the petrification gave me a momentary pause from the panic.


    Guilty? Why would a creature be guilty? Did that make it intelligent in some way? While I wondered that, the spider turned around sticking its butt end out and began spinning the spider silk around my frozen form. A fast-spinning splurt of sticky silk thread inexplicably wound around my body without the spider having to move from where it stood.


    A new line added itself to the little chat window.


    You have been paralyzed by Baby Giant Spider silk. 2 minutes until full petrification.


    The spinning web of silk grew around my body. I could see it in the peripheral of my vision, getting wider and whiter around my form. I could not actually feel it from the restraint. It was like I was already completely paralyzed.


    In my minimap, a blue dot hurtled down the hallway.


    "Porra! Oh no you fucking don''t!" Suze lunged past, in her hands were two of the metal bars that had been in our rooms. The hangers on them clattered as they twirled around from the whirling movements of their bearer.


    The spider lifted its legs and the eyes began to shift a little, the greenish glow about to get brighter.


    I shouted, "Don''t look at its eyes." and was delighted to know that I could actually talk and make sounds, even though the fact I couldn''t move my lips made it almost unintelligible. More like, "Doooo ooo aaaa iii eeeyeee"


    "What?" Suze asked.


    "No! Eyes! Bad!" I tried and this time it sounded almost like the words. "Oooo eeye aaa."


    But the distraction was enough that Suze looked back in consternation just as the greenish glow of the spider''s eyes hit its apex.


    You have already been hit by Baby Giant Spider''s Paralysis Stare. Its duration has increased by 5 minutes. Less than 2 minutes until full petrification.


    Suze smashed one of the bars down, the hangers slid along its length and flew off as she swung. She then smashed the other. One hanger just pinged off an eyeball and went flying. Back and forth she connected smashing the spider''s head into smithereens. From absolutely nowhere or maybe from Suze herself, the sound of a vaguely 1960s movie musical score faded in. It was then that she began singing very loudly, "Spin your wheels. Then you''re gonna know how it feeeeels to spin out!"


    Suze lifted both arms above her head, they vibrated and shook the bars. Then both arms wooshed down as she drummed onto the skull of the spider until it splattered out covering everything in the room. The music faded out as if someone turned a volume knob way down into nothing.


    Guilty Baby Giant Spider has died.


    Suze stood over the spider remains, breathing heavy and holding the two metal bars out. She looked crazed. Her shoulders raised up and down.


    Even though it was dead, I still was unable to feel anything in my body so I had some time to look at my HUD. Even though the spider''s corpse showed up as an X -- as in X it''s dead -- the minimap edge still flashed red. What did that mean? It had been so long since I used a default user interface in any game I played that I barely could remember how things worked.You might be reading a stolen copy. Visit Royal Road for the authentic version.


    "Suze!" I said. Which sounded more like, "Oooo!"


    I had to repeat the sound several times before Suze actually looked my way again. Those two metal bars disappeared as Suze stepped over the gore and began tearing away at the silk.


    "That''s a ton of silk around you. How long were you in here?"


    "Iooo oh."


    "I''m assuming you said that you don''t know. Let''s get you out of there." Suze tore at the silk and each chunk that went away disappeared. She was really quick at absorbing things into her inventory. When all the silk was gone, I still stood there unable to move.


    My eyes stung from being unable to close my eyelids. Water had begun to pool there and the fact the tears rose somehow behind the user interface really did a number on my head. That meant that the user interface wasn''t like a VR headset or something like that. It was actually inside my head.


    The lights went out.


    "What the fuck?" Suze growled. She was at least near enough to touch.


    The globes of light had run out. That had been just 40 seconds of actual action from the moment the spider crawled out to the moment that Suze smashed its head in.


    That minimap still blinked red. It was the only light in my vision. Everything else was that oppressive dark that only comes from a stone room in a dark, dark dungeon.


    I made noises, but the tsk sound didn''t work without the ability to move my mouth and tongue. A massive flaw of that spell.


    "We really need a permanent light spell. This is brutal."


    Suze pulled and prodded at my limbs, but there was no sensation.


    I thought about how it would be easier to understand what was going on if there was some kind of debuff tracker. There had been three debuff sounding words listed in the chat: restrained, paralyzed, and petrification. Clearly the restrained had somehow continued from the spider''s stare attack even though it was dead. I was just unsure if the paralyzed and petrification were in effect.


    "Kaylee, how did you get me out of it earlier?"


    If I could have closed her eyes, I would have, but instead I let out a breath. My lungs were working. That seemed to mean my lungs and probably my heart were moving fine. So I took a deep breath in and let it out.


    Activated Calming Breath.


    I instantly felt that calmness that I had felt earlier. Suze released a heavy breath of air as whatever Calming Breath was seemed to have affected her as well. "What was that? Your breath smelled of ... lilacs?"


    And the minimap stopped blinking.


    You have shrugged off restrained. You will not be petrified.


    "Oh thank goodness." I sighed and dropped to my knees into the spider goo. "I am going to find out how to download and install interface addons or so help me I''ll make my own. Oh yeah. Tsk." Lights flared on.


    "Even when angry, still not safad?o." Suze was already looting the spider and the goop. Basically anything that she could pick up in some way just disappeared into her inventory.


    I wiped the spider goo and guts off myself. Despite how gross it was, Suze looted those bits. Gross, but it kinda tracks because Suze was the type of player who had every grey and white drop in the game stacked in her many alternative bank accounts.


    While she looted, I pondered about this place we were in. I spoke out loud to her, "I don''t want to be a downer, but this is kinda a bad game." I began to count off on my fingers. "One. It''s unclear how to level or even if we''re getting experience. Two. There was that initial monologue thing that we can''t even pull up in the UI to listen to it again or read it for clarity. Like who puts in a cut scene without a high quality graphics animation and just audio with a black screen? They have the budget for some really great graphics -- look how realistic this all is. But no budget for cut scenes? Come on! Uhh... Where was I?"


    "Three." She scooped goop from the ground that disappeared into her inventory.


    "Right. Three." I thought for a moment, my rant having been a bit distracted by my own digression.


    "Monologue." Suze prompted, still absorbing the spider bits and gunk into inventory as though clean-sweeping the stone bathroom.


    "Yes, right. Monologue. Three. Whatever debuff that thing had seemed really powerful for probably the tutorial level of the game. We don''t even seem to be level 1 or tier 1 or whatever. I don''t know many lives we have."


    There was only a grunt of assent from Suze.


    "I mean, if this is a MMO, then usually there''s a tutorial level or a starting area that''s easy combat."


    "Starting areas are full of player corpses during the start of an expansion." Suze said and I thought it was kinda unhelpful, but I just breezed onto my list.


    "And four. Quests? Have you gotten a quest text? I certainly haven''t. I have no idea what purpose there is. Is there a storyline? Is this a complete open-world sandbox?"


    Suze answered as if the questions were not rhetorical. "No storyline. Just bad biology. As if whoever built this has never actually seen a spider except in a game like Realms. Also there''s no sand."


    "Sandbox isn''t about sand it''s just ... it''s like how they made the fifth expansion for Realms. Remember?" The fifth expansion was the worst. It was this open world where you could do almost anything except actually affect the world permanently. There were no quests or quest hubs. And they dropped the Beta and everyone complained so they had to delay launch while they shoehorned in some questlines and like everyone quit their subscription until they finally pushed in the sixth expansion a year early.


    "Oh yeah. In Brazil, I stopped to play then."


    "I still subscribed but I thought about quitting. I can''t stand a game without quests."


    "I wonder if there''s anything in that toilet hole--" Suze plunged her arm into the toilet hole up to the elbow.


    The world froze.


    That was the moment we got our first quest text.

 Chapter 7: Arm in the Hole!

    Suze had plunged her arm into the hole up to the elbow. The world froze.


    A quest box identical to the default one in Realms of Ifaneli with its pixellated stone-like edges and the same semi-gothic, medieval-inspired, and absolutely difficult to read text appeared:


    Time is not on your side. You two are stuck here in the Funnel of Madness! Poor you! And while you complain about how poorly designed it is -- nearby is a nest full of hundreds of Baby Giant Spider eggs and they will hatch all at once. You have until the hourglass runs out to find a way out of this apartment or it''s Ate O''Clock!


    The text remained until I read it all and then it minimized and swooped down into a new pop-up window at the lower right of my vision where it only showed Ate O''Clock and a Timer that counted down 15 minutes.


    She pulled her arm out of the hole and in her hand was a glistening, shiny hourglass. "Oh, an ampulheta. What''s it called in English?" She got up from the floor to stand.


    "Hourglass."


    "It''s ticking down sand. Eh, I guess there is sand in this dungeon, afterall."


    I didn''t follow Suze''s line of thought, but I questioned her, "Didn''t you read the quest text?"


    "No. I never read that." Suze scoffed. "You will just tell me what I need to do always."


    I paused for a moment as I wondered if that was some kind of dig or not, but then let it go. There were more pressing issues. "We have to find our way out of this place by the time the timer runs out or more of those spiders will --" The time in my quest log sputtered a bunch and dropped by 30 seconds all of a sudden. Freaked, I shouted, "What are you doing?"


    Suze shook the hourglass.


    The quest dropped another fifteen seconds as sand poured through faster than it would on its own.


    "No no no!" I lunged. "Please give me that. Don''t shake it!" I took the hourglass from Suze and held it close to my chest, careful not to grip it too tightly lest it break and the sand pour out all at once.


    "Wow. You need more of that breath thing you do."


    This lack of understanding was really getting on my nerves. It didn''t help that we were stuck in this game -- if that''s what we could call it -- without a user manual, or any understanding of why we were actually there in the first place. The timer wasn''t helping. Each second passing felt like another click higher in my anxiety. We needed to leave. Time was ticking. Ate O''Clock did not sound like it was going to be a good time.


    Then Suze, inexplicably kneeled down to shove her arm deeper back into the hole. She felt around and dropped further to the ground, putting her arm deeper into the hole almost up her shoulder. "Don''t put your arm in the hole!" I shrieked.The narrative has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the infringement.


    "Arm in the hole!" Suze cheered. "You know. That would make a great name for an achievement." In Realms, Suze''s favourite thing had to been to chase after all the achievements you could get in the game. Also looting everything and filling up half a dozen alt banks full of random junk and grey loot. Whenever you needed some obscure item it was almost guaranteed that Suze would have a couple stacks of it in one of her banks.


    "Hey! I just got the achievement. Arm in the Hole." She still shoved around her arm in the space. "Obrigada!" She said while looking up at the ceiling. She looked very religious in that moment.


    Since she had her arm down there, I asked, "Is there anything else in that hole?"


    "Just poop."


    I gagged.


    "I''m kidding Kaylee. No, there''s nothing else down there. Wait. Wait. Waaaaaai!" Suze wailed and she began thrashing about. She had the most macabre, terrified and pained look on her face.


    I screamed, nearly dropping the hourglass in the process.


    Then Suze cut off the screams and she laughed. She removed her arm from the hole and shook it at me. "Joking. Joking."


    "Don''t do that to me." I took a deep breath and I hoped it would trigger my Calming Breath skill, but my heart pounded too much. And the time, it ticked down. This all wasn''t helping. I let Suze know that. "Look, this isn''t helping. I''m pretty sure that if these spiders hatch, they''re going to come out of that hole."


    "Logical." Suze nodded. "Imagine if you had actually pooped in that hole. The spider could have ended up in your butt."


    "That''s a point." I pondered out loud and remembered that I still needed to pee. "What are we going to do if we have to poop? I''m going to have a complex if I have to poop over a hole. Especially if spiders come out of it. I can''t even go in an outhouse."


    Suze''s eyes glazed for a second and then there was suddenly a porcelain toilet over the hole. "Here. Poop away." Suze pushed the flush and the toilet made a flushing sound.


    My mind full-on fritzed for a moment. More questions popped into my head about our toilet at home -- for it was definitely ours because it was my Hello Kitty toilet seat cover -- being ported in here. How was there water in the bowl? Where was the plumbing? Why the toilet?


    "No plumbing, but it works." Suze said, mildly impressed. Then she dropped the Hello Kitty toilet roll stand including six pristine Kirkland rolls of toilet paper just in front of herself. "Look. Even your precious Costco butt paper." Suze grinned and flourished with her arms as if she were a model presenting the toilet and paper to me.


    I could hold my pee. The timer was more important than my bladder. We didn''t have time. "We have to go. Loot those." I heard the bossiness in my voice so I added, "Please." I hadn''t even thought about toilet paper until that moment. Precious, precious toilet paper. What other things existed in my life that would become precious commodities without being able to do a Costco run?


    The lights went out again.


    "Tsk."


    Cantrip Minor Globes of Light. Somatic and verbal components required. Duration of 40 seconds at this level of the spell.


    Still no upgrade to the time of that globes of light spell. Darn it.


    "So if we need to leave," Suze said as she hefted up the porcelain toilet, water sloshing in its bowl audibly. It disappeared into her inventory and she only staggered a little as the weight poofed away. "I don''t know how we will do that."


    "We have how many exits? There''s the windows which seem to drop down into an abyss."


    "This hole." Suze kicked at the edge of the poop hole. "That leads down to a bunch of spiders."


    "Which likely means the apartment beneath us is not a good place to go. Out the front door then."


    "The front door isn''t a door."


    "The front door isn''t a what?"


    "Ehh. That''s just the thing." She picked up the toilet paper stand and pointed out of the bathroom. "After me." The stand disappeared as Suze pushed past into the hall. I followed, my lights floating ahead of me and trailing after her.

 Chapter 8: Ceci nest pas une porte

    She led me to the front door. The whole front entrance to the apartment was just carved stone. Even the cheap shoe rack was there, but it was carved stone with all the shoes like carefully chiseled pedestal sculpture to decorate a shoe department.


    "So while looting, I noticed this." She flourished her arm at the wall.


    It took me a few seconds and another refresh of the light spell to realise that the front door was in fact not actually there anymore. The handle itself was just a protrusion of stone sticking out of the wall. It did not turn.


    In the place of the front door was a facade of a door. More of a carved bit of lines and grooves that did not even give the deception of going deep. Despite seeing that it looked like the door was stamped on the wall, I attempted to pry at the groove with my fingers only to snag my nail on a rough bit of stone and it tore part of my fingernail off. Rather painfully.


    You have taken damage. Would you like to heal?


    "No." I grumbled to myself and sucked on my fingernail. "It''s not even that much damage. Of course I don''t want to heal."


    "See." Suze said and knocked on what sounded to be the thud of her knuckles against stone. "It''s even carved a little bit to look like door, but there''s no way to turn the handle."


    I tapped my fingers onto the edges of the door again, trying to distract myself so that the slight throb in my finger could be forgotten. "Maybe it''s supposed to be a puzzle."


    "No. This is not a puzzle."


    "Was there a quest when you came here earlier?"


    "No. It''s not a puzzle. I''ve just told you that."


    "Humour me."


    "Pretend that you think I know what I''m doing. I may ignore quest text, but I would have known if there was something like a clue. I actually enjoy puzzles."


    I tried very hard not to let on that I was unconvinced but Suze knew me too well.


    "You don''t believe. Well, whatever Kaylee. We have a timer. Figure it out. See if you can solve it without YouTube to help."


    "Hey!" I said, a little bit hurt.


    "Kaylee, don''t kick away the tent pole. And stay calm okay? I love you girl."


    "Right. Right." Okay she had a point. I was more likely to watch a solution of a puzzle on YouTube or Twitch than to solve it myself. My algorithm was just spoiler videos of dungeon strats and whatnot for a Raid. Also game lore. Suze did like solving puzzles, but she was more likely to solve it by running right through a room to trigger all the traps and then tank the mess while in DPS gear while I desperately attempted to heal her ass before the rest of the DPS could catch up and help mop up the mobs.


    "This door is not a door. You know this. But it is a challenge." Suze smiled with exhilaration. She was definitely enjoying this. "Find a way out it''s telling us. Very philosophical."Stolen from Royal Road, this story should be reported if encountered on Amazon.


    "This is not some Magritte Ceci n''est pas une porte thing."


    "Oh, yes it is. The door is not a door. The toilet is not a toilet."


    I added in exasperation still pawing all over the stone wall looking for cracks or crevices and failing at it, "The window is not a window!"


    Suze gasped. "No. It is not."


    "You look like you''ve figured something out."


    "Let me go check something. Can I have one of your balls?" She giggled a little.


    "Cute. Sure."


    Suze went back down the hallway almost running into the darkness, so I quickly whipped one of my light balls after her. By whipping I meant I watched it float gently in her direction. I would have to figure out how to increase velocity of the things too. Did that upgrade?


    "This is bad design." I murmured to myself. "If this is a tutorial level, it''s brutal. Barely any dungeon dressing. There''s no rhyme or reason to the UI design and the quest text was almost an afterthought. Oh, incidentally, you have only a few minutes left before you die and no explanation how anything works! Awesome."


    I looked up at the stone ceiling and shouted, "What kind of dungeon has a low level mob able to petrify you? This is really, truly the worst design. I don''t know what full petrification is, but it could have seriously wrecked me!"


    "You tell ''em!" Suze yelled.


    I called down the hall to her. "I have played three different MMOs from first level and you never release a game for newbies without at least explaining the rules. Or giving people a rulebook. Or having a goshdarn tutorial level with low stakes combat in a zone that''s easy to get the heck out of."


    From down the hall, Suze yelled. "Yep!"


    I pried at the stone door handle again, but it didn''t budge. I then ran my fingers down the indentations in the stone wall that marked where the door jamb would have been if it wasn''t just a solid wall of stone. I even held one of my balls excruciatingly close to the wall looking to see if maybe there was some hidden text, indentation, or some sign of a trigger to open the door.


    Nope. Nothing.


    I tried yanking on the door handle and then pushing. Nothing happened.


    "Not much time left!" I yelled down the hallway.


    Silence.


    "Suze? Hello?"


    I hadn''t heard from Suze for over a minute of quest countdown. I gave one last look at the door and turned to go find my roommate. I even jogged a little bit to feel like I was going faster.


    Our kitchen slash living room slash dining room was empty. Not that we had much in the way of communal furniture to fill the space. Both of us spent most of our money and time in our rooms with our computer rigs.


    It didn''t take me long to explore the rest of the apartment and the bathroom. That included both of our bedrooms. If there had been anything spawned in either room, Suze had definitely looted all of it. The problem was, Suze was nowhere to be found.


    I thought in horror about the hole. I was about to go back into the bathroom when I heard a scraping and scuffling sound then some swearing come out from what had been my own bedroom. I ran into the room.


    Suze stood in the open window, her feet on the stone sill. She hung there, awkwardly bent so that her head pressed up against the top of the window head. She wavered precariously.


    I lunged toward the window and grabbed at Suze''s ankles.


    "Holy shitballs. Woah woah, Kaylee! You''re going to push me out."


    I released Suze, but only a bit. I clung to her feet. One of the balls of light bobbed just beyond reach and over the giant chasm just outside the empty window. My heart dropped. It was a long, long way down. "What are you doing? Do you have a death wish?"


    "A good point. What happens if we die? Do we spawn in a graveyard. Do we have to go retrieve our corpse?"


    I didn''t think I wanted to answer that question. I hadn''t really thought about how spawning worked.


    "So, I think I found us a way out of this mess. How do you feel about free climbing?"


    "How about no?" I looked down at the hourglass as the last trickle of sand slid into the bottom. I thought about turning it over, but instead decided to loot the hourglass into my inventory.


    Ding. Ding. You are out of time. It is Ate o'' Clock. Quest failed?


    What did it mean Quest failed -- Question mark?


    Welcome to the Tutorial Level.

 Chapter 9: Tutorial Level

    "Tutorial level?" We both shouted at the same time. I was shocked, but Suze sounded annoyed in a totally different way.


    "Did the quest fail for you too?" I asked while thinking of the hourglass.


    Before she answered, my whole vision was covered by a black window with elaborate filigreed scrollwork along the edges that reminded me of Celtic knot-work, but was definitely different and uncanny like I had never seen its like. There was only just a smidge of the rest of the world visible around the edges. I moved my head and could somewhat see Suze and a globe of light, but only just a sliver.


    In the darkness, foreboding music played with timpanis rumbling. The whole world beyond muted. A bright golden-coloured quote faded into view, taking up the middle of my vision.


    Kaylee Smith hangs upon somebody else''s legs. The future is in Suze not losing her balance during this Tutorial. -- The Funnel


    "Oh, very funny." I said and even my own voice sounded far off like I was talking while wearing sound muffling headphones.


    Text then scrolled up from the bottom of the black screen in that slow upwards scroll of Star Wars. A choir of voices sang with deep rumbling basses backed by an orchestra of sweeping sounds like howling winds and crashing waves.


    In ages long past, magic belonged to every living creature. It was part of the air they breathed and the elements that threaded through the world. It was a time of unimaginable opportunity, harmony, and promise. All centered around a core of magic that pulsed out its power to all.


    The music turned darker with crashing symbols and uncanny sounding instruments that were bizarre and I couldn''t place what they were. Kinda like woodwinds, but deeper and creepier. Underneath it all was a thumping heart.


    However, for one creature that was not enough. He amassed great power and strength, but wanted more. He wanted to control everything. He reached the great heart of the world and built an impassible tower around it. Darkness fell.


    Then one lone soprano cut through the air. The soprano was forlorn and singing in a language I did not recognise.


    She came as a ray of light. In her wisdom and knowledge, she stored magic to be doled out to those who were willing to clash with his forces of darkness. Light rises where she strides on her way to fight him and bring back magic for all.


    Both seek allies in their battle.


    Choose wisely.


    I couldn''t help it, as the window disappeared I said to Suze, "That was more like an intro screen than a tutorial. What did you see?"


    "I just closed the window. Was looking in my inventory. And, ahh. Perfeito." A pile of nylon cord just appeared in Suze''s hands. She wrapped it around herself with practiced ease. "Kaylee, please let me go." I did as she asked and refreshed the globes of light.


    She continued talking. "I just climbed down a bit to see the apartment below us does have glass windows. So, then I climbed up and could see that there is an apartment above us that also has no glass windows like ours. If we can''t leave through the door and if the apartment below us is likely filled with spiders, then I''d rather go up and not down, don''t you?"


    "Yes. Let''s go up. Please let''s go up! I just don''t climb!"


    "I do." Suze grinned and then added. "We also don''t have much time left before this place is overrun with spiders. The door is not a door. The window is not a window, it''s a door. I solved it."


    "Awesome. But you''re forgetting there is a death abyss below us."


    "When I climbed up the first time, I thought about how much it would be better to actually have my window cleaning gear with me. Well, wasn''t it lucky that inside the window of the apartment above us was a glowing box. I opened it up and it was a pretty good imitation of my gear. So what I''ll do is put you in the harness, climb up and anchor the rope above and I''ll pull you up. F¨¢cil."


    "No, no. You say f¨¢cil when it is not actually going to be easy. That time you decided to cook a turkey for Thanksgiving. Do you remember that? It was frozen in the middle."


    "Hey. That was my first turkey so-- What does it matter now? I may not know cooking, but I do know climbing."


    Suze gripped the windowsill and then hoisted herself up. I knew she bouldered, but watching her hang from the top of the window really made it a legit thing. She gritted her teeth and I decided not to admonish her for not reading whatever that intro text was for her.


    She climbed hand over hand up the wall and out of sight. I leaned out the window opening to see her climbing further up to the floor above. She pulled herself into that window and disappeared from view.


    "Please don''t die on me!" I called up.


    The floor beneath me quaked. I gripped the window ledge.


    I heard sounds of crackling gunfire. Pop. Pop. Pop. Like really loud Pop Rocks fizzing and crackling as maybe hundreds of somethings were exploding beneath the floor.Support creative writers by reading their stories on Royal Road, not stolen versions.


    Then started a shrieking that grew in a crescendo. Rising like some kind of siren of murder, death, kill and we were the targets.


    The hourglass quest. Crud.


    They were coming.


    I peered up, looking up at the minimap to see if Suze''s dot would give me an idea of what she was doing up there.


    A black window popped up, covering my vision again. Golden text phased in.


    In your upper right corner is your mini-map. It can be resized and moved.


    I mentally closed the window.


    You can close windows with your mind. Once a window is closed, it cannot be opened again. Should you want to save the information in the window, you can minimize it. Minimized windows will remain in your vision until they have been closed. Be warned as windows can block your field of vision.


    Tell me something I didn''t know.


    I snarled and closed that window. I didn''t need instructions on the UI. When we had some time where spiders-like monsters were not screeching underneath my feet about to come murder me, then maybe I would read the tutorial.


    "Look, Funnel!" I yelled up and out the window at the dark cavern above. "I get it. Stop blocking my vision with windows. I can do this when I''m not about to die."


    A rope dropped down and something that was attached to it clunked me on my head. "Sorry!" Suze called out.


    A window popped up.


    You have taken 1 point damage. Your health meter is located to the upper left of your HUD. Health only regenerates through first-aid, magical healing, food, rest, or items such as potions and spells. Some creatures have abilities that...


    I closed the window before the text finished.


    "What did you drop on me?"


    "A harness. Put it on around your legs and arms. I''ll pull you up!"


    I should have gone with her the bunch of times she offered to take me to the climbing gym.


    "I trust that this is not going to kill me!" I called it out to try to deny the fear in my heart. I climbed into the harness hopeful that I''d done it correctly. The rope tangled up around my arms and neck, but somehow it didn''t strangle me.


    "Tug on the rope when you''re ready."


    I took a deep breath.


    A window popped up.


    You have activated a skill related to your occupation of ASMR Content Creator: Calming Breath. Autonomous sensory meridian response creates a mild form of euphoria. This is an area of affect skill and non-magical. You may be able to view the skill''s information sheet once you have received a permanent class...


    I closed the window feeling like I was about to miss something important, but I could read it later. I can''t read when I''m dead.


    I tugged the rope. It went taut automatically.


    "Get on the ledge. I''ve got you."


    I whimpered and climbed up onto the window ledge while trying not to fall to my absolute doom. Thinking about a plummet to the death, I was surprised to find that I felt really mellow about it. Calming Breath, what a thing.


    I climbed up on the ledge and focused on looking up at Suze. I really wanted to tell her, "No pressure," but I kept it to myself. I gripped at the window as tight as my hands could.


    "Don''t look down."


    "Yeah. Sure. Right." I smiled really wide at her. Her frown told me that I looked like a psychopath.


    The rope pulled taut, and I jerked a little as it pulled me upward and then she was out of sight again in the room above. A few jerks and then the rope began to move smoothly as let my last grip of the window go and I was just hanging. Over nothing. My stomach flipped. I felt woozy.


    The abyss beneath me went further than my balls of light could go. I couldn''t even imagine falling that far.


    The world tilted. I scrambled and clawed for the window or anything to get my hands on. I swung crazily while I tried so hard to get any purchase on the wall or window ledge with my feet.


    "Stop!" I shouted up.


    "Don''t freak out on me now. Come on. You can do this."


    Suze climbed up and actually stood -- albeit in an awkward angle -- in the window above. She leaned out. "Keep looking at me. I have you." The nylon rope wrapped around her and she was somehow pulling me with it.


    "You can let go. I''m going to pull you up. Ready?"


    I''m not ready. I swallowed some bile.


    "Here we go!"


    I was again about to cry out to stop, but then I saw that back in my room where one of the globes was just kinda chilling, a wave of spider legs and bodies and eyes pushed into the doorway. A tsunami of black and ochre and purple and basically obsidian limbs and fuzz and mandibles or whatever it was that spiders had for anatomy. Chittering, shrieking, insecty sounds filled the air.


    Spiders crawling over every surface. I don''t like spiders. I really don''t like spiders. What''s worse is that every single one of them was labeled a --


    A window popped into my vision.


    You have looked at a monster. You will see its name located in a bar above its head. The glowing red bar is its health bar. Foamy Giant Baby Spider''s health is currently at 100%.


    I was about to close the window with my thoughts, but the text continued and I forced myself to stop, somehow.


    Some abilities or skills will make it so you can see more information about the monster, including monster category, attitude, special attacks, abilities, skills, cooldowns and debuffs.


    I waited for more information, but that was it. I closed the window to find myself dangling over the abyss and being hauled up smoothly, but maybe not fast enough. The swarm of spiders -- the cluster or clutter of them -- engulfed the empty room, a wall of limbs rushing toward the window.


    If one single of those petrificus totalis attacks hit, it was all that was required to freeze me.


    How did you even counter such an attack? I only had a few things on hand. One healing spell that required touch. One blooming light spell that didn''t seem to want to progress at all. And a skill to basically take a chill pill. I needed something that would bridge the gap from utility to combat because at the moment, only Suze had any kind of combat skill and I didn''t want her to change her focus from hauling me up from certain death drop.


    I didn''t get combat skills when I used the mannequin arm to beat that spider to a pulp. It hadn''t even seemed to give experience points or whatever was required in this game to level up. So that would not help. What else was there?


    Toilet paper. Nope. I would hold onto that stuff until the very last square was used. Besides, Suze had that.


    Hangers. Nope. Suze, again.


    My bunny slippers dangling from my toes. Nope.


    Something in my years of gaming and a few rough semesters of school had to help with this.


    Well, what was petrificus totalis? Latin and not the actual name of their ability. That was Paralysis Stare. What kind of attack was it? Maybe psychic? It required sight so some kind of gaze attack.


    What did I know about gaze attacks? In mythology, gaze attacks could be countered by reflective surfaces. Like what happened with Medusa and Jason or was it Hercules? Didn''t matter.


    I yelled up. "Suze! Suze! Did you loot the mirror in the bathroom? Give it to me!"


    "How am I supposed to drop a mirror down to you while I''m hauling you up here?"


    Good point. What else did I have in my inventory?


    All I had left was the mirror. It appeared in my hand.


    I paused a moment in confusion because I knew I had a mirror, but it felt like I didn''t understand why I had a mirror. I did not remember it being in my inventory, but concentrating on it I saw that it indeed was labeled:


    Mirror of the Moon. Conjured by Kaylee. Level 1 item.


    A black window appeared. Really?

 Chapter 10: Mirror of the Moon

    You have pulled an item out of your inventory. Items are interactive objects within the world. This item can be examined by looking at it.


    Close window.


    You have examined Mirror of the Moon. This will pop up a window with information about the item. The Mirror of the Moon is a reflective surface where you can see your face. It''s a mirror. Duh.


    Stupid game window. Closed it.


    Well. It was about time to find out if reflective surfaces worked. The first spider in the pack reached the window and was crawling up and climbing up at a speed faster than she could be hauled. I looked up, not wanting to chance making eye contact.


    If only the mirror was larger.


    When I thought that, the mirror shimmered, pouring out like a pancake on a griddle as it spread a silver circle and became wide as a snow saucer or maybe a shield. As I thought about a shield, handles formed on the edges of the mirror. It gave me an idea so lifted up my legs and then sat on the saucer.


    Right on time, my vision was blocked by a window.


    You have activated an item''s special feature. Items sometimes have magical or mundane affects that can affect the world around you.


    Something hit the metal beneath my butt. I turned my head to the left and right and saw that the tutorial window blocked my direct vision. I could only see a little out the sides of the window.


    Then I did something reckless. I knew that my vision was technically not covered by the imaginary window, but I leaned over the edge of the shield and looked down in the direction of a spider crawling up the wall. I stopped moving. I felt, rather than saw, a strange haptic buzzing and then nothing.


    It happened again and again.


    They were trying to hit me with their gaze attacks, but the tutorial window actually worked as a block to my vision and negated their spells. I didn''t even need the butt shield. I laughed.


    "Why are you laughing so evilly?" Suze yelled down.


    Another spider joined the first and then another and another until there was this mass of spiders clinging to the wall that were all attempting to hit me with the gaze attack. I grasped tightly onto the shield under my butt.


    From behind the first game window, another one of them popped up just a little staggered at the edge. Then another. And another. I heard what I could only think of as frustrated shrieking from the giant baby spiders.


    The gaze attacks and haptic feedback suddenly stopped. From the edges of my vision, the spiders who had attacked must have realised I was somehow immune and they crawled up the wall to the window where Suze was. She''d be overrun soon, if not petrified by one of them.


    I called up to her, "Do something that will pop up a tutorial window. They can''t hit with the gaze attack when the window is up. Leave it up until we kill all these things."


    "How can I trigger it?"


    "Tsk. I don''t know. Maybe cut yourself?"


    A moment later, Suze began to laugh in her own evilly delighted way. She yelled down, ¡°They¡¯re here! It''s gonna get rough. I''m going to pull you up between attacks.¡± Something shrieked above and then I heard a sickening crunch and splurt.


    "Okay!" I said with only just a little bit of fear in it. Something bumped the shield again.


    The splattering sounds from above were, frankly, disgusting. Stuff dripped down onto me and I just didn''t want to know what it was. It sure smelled awful. Still the spiders kept coming. I dangled just beyond their reach and I felt the buzzing which told me the spiders were still trying to hit me with their gaze attack. If they jumped, maybe they could physically attack me. I thought about what I could do with the shield.


    "Incoming! Yeeeeet!" Suze yelled. "Yeeeeet!"


    And then spiders were falling into the abyss beyond. I curled up further into the body of the shield and just dangled as I think Suze began just hurling the spiders off the ledge as they climbed up to it. At the edge of my vision I could just see them flailing their legs as they disappeared into darkness, out of the range of my balls of light.


    "Yeeeeeet!" Her voice echoed down the cavern.Reading on Amazon or a pirate site? This novel is from Royal Road. Support the author by reading it there.


    I felt truly pathetic all of a sudden. She couldn''t have all the fun.


    I moved the shield to my left arm. That felt like something I was supposed to do because all avatars in games held their shields on their left arm. It was not heavy, but felt very solid and a bit unwieldy. Then I levered myself pumping my torso and legs so that I began swinging closer to the spiders and just targeted the shield side at them.


    My feet hit the stone wall and I pushed off, careening somewhat uncontrollably. But with my shield I felt the crunch of hitting spider and then as I launched away, that spider just dropped.


    With my vision covered by the tutorial window, I didn''t see any other pop-ups telling me if abilities or attacks were used against me, but I didn''t feel anything except the crunch of spider against wall as I swung myself at them, then kicked off to do the same thing further away.


    Suddenly, Suze pulled and the rope jerked me up. Enough game windows had opened so that I could not even see far enough around them to tell if the spiders were within reach. It had the beneficial effect of feeling like a blindfold. What you can¡¯t see, can¡¯t hurt you? I certainly hoped so.


    I kept swinging the shield and kicking my feet. Something grabbed my jeans and gained purchase, but I shook so hard that I know the rope wobbled dangerously and dislodged the spider. It dropped to its doom.


    Suze let out a grunt of satisfaction and it was actually right beside my head. She¡¯d pulled me to the top.


    I chanced closing a game window. Then another. And another until there was just one game window covering my vision. I know I missed a bunch of notifications, but I needed to see just a bit better to pull myself up into the apartment. While Suze continued to dislodge spiders and knock them out of the window, I pulled myself up into the room. Another spider grabbed my legs before I could get all the way in, but Suze dealt with it.


    On what seemed to be solid stone ground, I scrambled up to face the oncoming spider horde. Now I could try the thing that I had summoned the Mirror of the Moon for.


    I dropped the final game window. My vision clear, I looked pointedly at a spider trying to attack Suze from behind. ¡°Hey you!¡± I shouted and shoved at it. It turned its eyes my way and then just as I saw the initial whorl of the attack, I shielded my body and face with the mirror shield.


    A glorious window popped up.


    Achievement: Boomerang! I¡¯m rubber, you¡¯re glue. Your gaze bounces off me and sticks to you. You have negated and returned an attack that has affected a creature.


    I closed the game window.


    The spider was frozen solid. Its many eyes whorled. It took very little for me to shove it with the shield out into the abyss. I leaned over the edge of the opening and showed my face for a few moments, a spider¡¯s eyes began to whorl that crazy way before the attack, then blocked it with the shield. I peeked a little over the shield to see it drop as another spider crawled over its body and both of those spiders just fell into darkness.


    Suze had the arms of my mannequin or maybe hers. It didn¡¯t matter. She smashed and crunched them and I shield punted or froze them with the reflection. A game window popped up and just to be careful, I let it stay for the duration of the fight.


    It was easier to mop them up after that. The big ones had come in the first wave. The ones after were smaller and some even had been wounded prior to climbing up. It was like popcorn popping with a massive amount of spiders at first and then there was a delay before the arrival of one or another, until we thought we were done only to have a couple of spiders show up.


    Finally, Suze yeeted a spider out into the deep below and we waited, but no more came.


    I leaned over, shield ready, but saw no spiders hanging from the wall. There was gore and some spider bits still clinging to the rockface, but all the spiders were gone.


    I closed that game window and breathed a sigh of relief.


    I saw then that Suze was absolutely filthy with spider guts and webbing. She pulled it off her body and disappeared it into her inventory.


    ¡°I really hope that our inventory is a physical space. Yours would be so gross.¡±


    Suze asked, ¡°Speaking of inventory. Did I just see you conjure a mirror out of your ass?"


    ¡°Yes, but not from my ¡­ butt.¡± I tsked again to regenerate my light spell. ¡°I thought about how to fight a gaze attack and then this thing was my in my inventory. I just don¡¯t remember how it got there. I think I created it somehow. It¡¯s called the Mirror of the Moon.¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s useful. Can I take a look at it?¡±


    ¡°Sure.¡± I removed the shield from my arm and as I did so, it reverted back to a silver hand mirror.


    Would you like to give Suze Tier 0 - High Rise Window Cleaner the Mirror of the Moon? Yes or no?"


    In frustration, I growled out while looking up at the ceiling, "Can I just give her blanket permission to hold anything of mine?"


    Would you like to give Suze Tier 0 - High Rise Window Cleaner unlimited access to inventory? Yes or no?


    ¡°Absolutely.¡±


    ¡°That won¡¯t bite you in the butt later.¡±


    ¡°C¡¯mon. You¡¯ve always been better at inventory organisation than I have. If I have anything you want, I think it¡¯d just be easier if you can grab it yourself. I could use a guild bank right about now.¡±


    Suze laughed as she took the mirror out of my hands without difficulty. She swung it around, but it stayed a mirror. ¡°How did you get it to become a shield or switch back to a mirror?¡±


    ¡°No clue. I closed the tutorial window that probably explained how it was done.¡± I looked around at the place where we were. The room was stacked from top to bottom with cardboard boxes. ¡°Where are we?¡±


    ¡°Geraldine¡¯s apartment, I think.¡± Suze said as though she was slightly impressed.


    I looked around as far as I could see. It was like we were transported into an episode of Hoarders. As far as I knew, neither of us had ever been in the apartment of the sweet little old lady with the scotch mints who lived above us. While our rooms below were basically empty except for the small things that Suze looted, this was the complete opposite.


    This room was crowded with cardboard boxes piled to the ceiling and mounds of ruined newspapers. A layer of dirt sat on all of it as if this room had been neglected for a very long time. Just wall to wall cardboard and paper. A trail had been dug out to the doorway just wide enough for one person to move through to the window and back.


    At least everything in here smelled like sneeze-inducing dust only. No weird animals smells.


    "Do you know if it always looked like this?" I asked.


    "N?o. Cardboard and newspaper may come in handy.¡± So, of course, Suze began looting.

 Chapter 11: Geraldines Apartment

    You have left the tutorial level. Congratulations!


    I heard a sad sack party favour trumpet sound.


    "Gee. Thanks," I said while wiping spider gunk off my body. "I need a shower."


    "Don''t waste it!" Suze scooped up the goo I left on the ground and it disappeared in her inventory.


    "That''s just too gross. I can''t."


    "You will thank me later." She said with all seriousness, then she looked speculatively at the cardboard boxes and just began looting them again.


    "Hey. Can I have my mirror back please?"


    In a move smoother than I could ever do, the mirror appeared in Suze''s hand and she tossed it to me. I''m the least sporty person I know in the world and I knew I wouldn''t catch it, but then at the last minute, the mirror flipped over and I was able to catch it with both hands. "Could you not throw the clearly magical item?"


    "It showed as basic and wouldn''t change shape for me. Might be only magical to you."


    I had nowhere to hold it so I let it disappear into my inventory. How much space did we have in there? Suze''s seemed to be infinite as she kept grabbing everything in here.


    Even covered in spider gore, Suze was careful about how she looted the room. Box after box disappeared as they entered her inventory. She gingerly picked up each one, not even bothering to open them to see what was inside.


    "Don''t you want to know what''s in them?" I asked.


    "I will do that later, when we are in some place safe."


    "Right. Tsk." The minimap was no longer glowing red and I could not see any hostile dots in range. We were probably safe for a little while. Maybe we would be safe in this area in general. I certainly needed to take a breath, but not near my own self because ruff I smelled something awful.


    If Geraldine had a shower, hers might be the real thing like our toilet was the real thing and our shower was not. Looting a working shower would be very fantastic. Our party would be the best one ever with a real toilet and a shower.


    Party. I thought to myself about the fact that we were not partied and had no guild chat open. "Do you have a chat window?"


    "N¨¡o. Kaylee. You are talking so much. Could you loot as well?"


    "Let''s try partying up."


    Suze sighed as she stopped looting and stood for a moment. "Okay. So do it."


    "I party with Suze!" I slapped her on the shoulder.


    Nothing happened.


    She lifted one eyebrow at me.The narrative has been illicitly obtained; should you discover it on Amazon, report the violation.


    "Maybe it needs to be both of us?"


    "I party with Kaylee." She said with only a bit of sarcasm in her voice.


    Again, nothing. "I might need a little oomph to it." I lifted my hands in what I thought could look like a pretty cool mage casting pose. With a tsk I reupped the light spell and swirled the globes around us in a whirlwind. Well, a really slow moving and bobbing whirlwind.


    "I. Party. With. Suze." Each word was its own sentence just like Captain Kirk of that Star Trek show. I emphasized each one with a flourish of my head this way and that.


    We waited a moment, but nothing happened.


    "Here. Let me try." Suze, standing in silence, gave me a very serious, very pointed look and then a window popped out.


    Would you like to join a party with Suze Tier 0 - High Rise Window Cleaner?


    "Yes. I would."


    And just like that, a chat window opened in the lower left of my vision. It held a few tabs. One was COMBAT that when I focused on it I could see the remainder of a combat log showing a long list of "Insert Adjective Baby Giant Spider has been killed by Suze Tier 0 - High Rise Cleaner" and each line had a corresponding attack. There were tabs to the little window. Another said PARTY and it blinked urgently so I thought hard and it came to the front.


    Suze Tier 0 - High Rise Cleaner: Safad¨¡o! ;P


    "Oh funny. Well good now we''re partied up. I feel a bit better." She even showed up in my minimap as a different coloured dot. Kinda Prussian blue.


    "Kaylee you know I love you girl. That exploit you found worked great."


    "Yeah. I''ll have to figure out more of them. Is it really cheating if it''s programmed into the game? No, don''t answer that." I waved my arm as if waving a response away. "You loot. We might need to get out of this room soon."


    As for the morality of cheating in the dungeon, I''d have to ask Kitch. He usually had the best answers to my hypothetical questions or moral dilemmas. Thinking of Kitch brought on another question in my mind.


    "Do you think that the rest of the guild is in here with us?"


    "N¨¡o, I really hope for their sake that they aren''t. But if they are, I hope that it''s Late Night Crew."


    "Ditto."


    Having her say that outloud really was the first moment I thought about who the Late Night Crew were and who would be in the dungeon. I mentally combined the main CHAT window and the PARTY window, they merged after a moment to be CHAT PARTY which would probably annoy the pants off me, but I could ignore it.


    I thought firmly about sending a whisper or direct message to KitchenSimon. The chat remained just Suze calling me naughty in Portuguese. It might require me using his first name. So I tried focusing on Simon or messaging Simon, but nothing happened.


    I then tried Matt too. Again, no response. Maybe they weren''t here. I could hope for their sake, but I was kinda leaning toward the idea that Realms of Ifaneli had something to do with this. It was just too convenient.


    Suze and I had been in that raid dungeon The Funnel of Madness doing that Lich fight when we dropped out of whatever game we were playing into this bizarro alternate reality. It could follow that the guild was in here somewhere too. Maybe in strange facsimiles of their current living situation.


    That could be kinda cool because FairDinkies and Humplains were currently living in a tricked out hippy van with crazy laptop set ups. I wondered if maybe they were still in that van, but in the dungeon.


    For this was fairly obviously a dungeon. Part of it was pre-designed and required a bit of planning or maybe scouting out our living situations. The apartment building around me was proof of that. Though it did not seem to work like a well-programmed dungeon. I had to complain about there being a tutorial level before there actually was one. Maybe it was generating as we went based on whatever we said. The ultimate in sandbox creation.


    It could be just me and Suze. That would make sense based on what I''d figured out or guessed at that point. The thing is, we were in Geraldine''s apartment. The quacky little old lady who lived updoors with like three cats and pretended that she only had two for the condo board.


    I thought about the room around us and all these things that Suze was looting. "Geraldine''s stuff came with us. Do you think maybe she did too?"


    "Maybe we should go check."


    "Yes. Yes we should." I scurried to the door, tsking my lights again. If we were in this dungeon fighting for our lives, then if Geraldine was, she could be dead by now and it''d be all our fault.

 Chapter 12: Cage Fight

    "Geraldine? Are you here?" I called out tentatively. "Geraldine?" I cracked open the door and sent a globe of light into the hallway. The light lit up a packed hallway with a few of those iron cages you can put cats in so they can safely enjoy being outside without running off to never be seen again. I sneezed from the dust or maybe dander. I don''t think I''m allergic.


    I turned back in the hallway, skirting the clutter and I stopped at the piled cat cages. The metal cages had blankets in them, but no sign of the cats except for fur and filled water containers. I looted the water container. And even the cat fur-covered blanket. Then I looted the cage. It was not as strongly put together as I thought.


    A dark shadow launched from the floor up into the globe of light and through it. It was a distinctly feline shape. Geraldine had some really silly names for her pets. I couldn''t remember if the svelt black one was Mistress Sugarpuss in Boots or Lady Eleanor Pawsevelt. I knew the chubby orange one was Tubbs. That was easy to remember because he joined Geraldine whenever she went down to the mail room.


    We''d watched them for her a few times while she went down to the casinos in Washington State. Suze was more of a cat person so she took care of them. Geraldine had brought them down to our apartment though and I could understand since her place was a little bit of something out of that Hoarders show, but at least it smelled just dusty.


    A hiss and the same shape flew into another one of the balls so I combined them into one spot on top of a metal crate and the cat pounced onto it, shredding the blanket on the top of the crate while attempting to attack the lights.


    I scooped her up gently and rubbed her fur behind the ears. A name tag showed on her head. Mistress Sugarpuss in Boots - Tier 0 Cat. Ahh, yeah the black one was Mistress Sugarpuss in Boots, otherwise known as Bootsie. Luckily, she recognised me enough and purred. A fierce hunter until held, then she was a complete suck for attention.


    It seemed the summoning thing also brought along at least one of the cats. That did not bode well for Geraldine.


    "Where''s your mom Bootsie?"


    The cat just purred. I tucked her into the hood of my hoodie since she had liked doing that the last time we cat sat them.


    "I''ll check the other room and the bathroom." Suze said and I sent a few balls of the light with her.


    "Then it''s me and you in the living room and kitchen Miss Bootsie." I couldn''t bring myself to call her ''mistress.''


    "Geraldine?" I inched along the hallway. Bootsie had gone silent and alert in behind my ear. Her paws on my shoulder dug in with those little tiny claws of hers. "Geraldine?"


    So yeah, Geraldine was summoned into the dungeon too. I could tell the moment I pulled out from between two cardboard boxes to see the room lit with some kind of eery greenish glow except for a flashlight beam that followed a small, cragged looking man around the room. The beam came from a pass-through window that Geraldine must have added to the wall between her kitchen and the living room. She was in the kitchen, holding something in her hand and then some kind of utensil flew across the room at the little man. It missed.


    "This is the filth forge! Stupid human with iron!" The little man jumped around and around.


    "No it''s not! This is my apartment you little pervert! Put that thing away! Nobody''s got time to see your weenus!" Geraldine tossed another fork at him from the pass-through in her kitchen. I could see that she was still in her nighttime curlers above her head, wrapped in a silk scarf.


    Indeed, the little man was naked and I felt like I wouldn''t get that nasty image of his dangly bits out of my head for a good while.


    Kaylee Tier 0 - ASMR Content Creator: Suze, come quick. There''s some kind of little dude waving his naked ... dot dot dot at Geraldine.


    Suze Tier 0 - High Rise Cleaner: Did you just type out dot dot dot?


    Kaylee Tier 0 - ASMR Content Creator: This is in my mind and I can imagine how I type however I want.


    Suze Tier 0 - High Rise Cleaner: OMW


    I stepped into the room and tsked some more globes of light.


    Level up! Cantrip Minor Globes of Light. Somatic and verbal components required. Duration of 60 seconds at this level of the spell.


    "About flipping time!" I shouted, surprised at the 20 second improvement.


    The little man whirled and I winced, looking away from him.


    "Another human of iron. Hahahaha!" He flew at me and I then noticed the strange whip in his hand. It was what glowed with the eery lime green light. Glowing weapon? Maybe it was enchanted?


    Before I could think more about the properties of his weapon, he was swinging it at me. I tried to swerve, but I''m very not agile or athletic and I wasn''t fast enough. The little punk hit me in the arm with a crunching sound and the pain was unimaginable. Something snapped. My vision blanked and then as I screamed out, I could feel that my shoulder-length blonde hair was growing and growing and spreading around. I could feel it at my neck and then saw it covering over my eyes. My hair twisted and it hurt as it grew. Each follicle felt the same kind of pain as if someone was brushing out knots and was not being gentle.If you discover this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the violation.


    It hurt, but even though I couldn''t see (this seemed to be a theme or something) I could see in the combat log. I somehow instantly switched to it and then combined it with the chat to make a combined COMBAT CHAT PARTY tab.


    You have been hit by Bright Hair Bullwhip''s Strangle Mecate Attack.


    The hair got tighter, twisting around my neck. It still pulled at my scalp and still it grew. I tried pulling at the hair with the good arm, but then it snaked around my arm and began to twist, tightening.


    I could still breathe, but as each hair pull happened, the entire thing got tighter against my skin.


    Kaylee Tier 0 - ASMR Content Creator: Suze. I''m going to get strangled again.


    "Leave Kaylee alone you little demon!" Geraldine shouted and threw a pot through the window. It missed.


    "I''m not a demon. I''m The Hangman I''ll have ye know! And thar she will hang!"


    The hair yanked and I flew upside down. Out of my hoodie, I felt weight leave me as Bootsie launched or fell from it as I dangled by my own massively grown hair.


    "Ow! Call off your feline! Ow! Stop beast! Don''t hit me with iron you old bat!"


    The growl that came out of Bootsie caused my whole body to shiver. She meowed angrily and hissed.


    He really said iron as if it was a swear word or curse. It gave me an idea.


    Kaylee Tier 0 - ASMR Content Creator: The cages in the hallway. I looted them. Please get them from my inventory and toss them at the little man so he''s stuck inside. I think iron''s bad for him.


    "Already ahead of you." I swung and my hair hurt like crazy as Suze touched me.


    Suze Tier 0 - High Rise Cleaner has removed cat cage from your inventory.


    I swung from my own painfully tightening hair. The combat log began to scroll with different attacks. Suze was not doing any damage at all. Then again, neither was he. I saw a lot of Suze dodged. Suze dodged.


    I heard the clatter of the cage and a click of a lock.


    Suze Tier 0 - High Rise Cleaner has defeated The Weewee Hangman.


    "The Weewee Hangman?" I groaned.


    In the combat log, there was a message.


    Suze Tier 0 - High Rise Cleaner has looted Bright Hair Mecate Bullwhip. You were part of this battle. Do you want to roll against her?


    No way would I want whatever that thing was. My negative thought translated to the chat as a decline and it automatically showed that Suze receieved the item.


    "Noo. Not my bullwhip!" The little man whined. "Let me out of this infernal iron cage."


    Suze''s response made me smirk. "N¨¡o."


    "Oh girls. Am I glad to see you. Good girl Bootsie. Now where''s Tubbs and Eleanor? Oh my sweets. Mommy is happy to see you three." There was a pause and the sound of crinkling packages while I assumed the cats were being fed treats.


    "Susana, are you going to get Kaylee down from the ceiling?"


    "Working on it Geraldine."


    "Good. And as for you. Put some pants on you little pervert." I heard a cage rattling and the little man began cursing.


    Suze Tier 0 - High Rise Cleaner has canceled Bright Hair Bullwhip Strangle Mecate Attack.


    Moments passed and my hair softened and relaxed and just shrunk on itself until it was the same length it had been before I got into the dungeon. I dropped from the ceiling and Suze caught me, then placed me down on the ground. The spot on my arm still hurt like crazy pants.


    I healed myself by slapping my own ass with the good hand.


    Level up! Minor Healing Touch. Somatic and verbal components required. Distance of Touch. Duration Instantaneous. Repairs 2 hit points at the level of the spell.


    I wryly told Suze about the increase in healing and added, "With upgrades like these we''re so going to mow through this dungeon like nobody''s business."


    The pain lessened from the healing, but it was not entirely fixed. I gingerly rubbed around it. "It didn''t fully heal. At least that means we have more than 2 hitpoints, I guess."


    I tried healing again, but got a message telling me that I could not do it again for another duration. It didn''t give me the amount of time for the cooldown either. The inconsistencies were going to be very dangerous.


    "Okay you little pervert. Tell us why you''re In my apartment." Geraldine poked several long barbeque tongs at the WeeWee Hangman and he danced away from them as far as he could in the cramped cat cage. Suze had locked it and any time he tried to touch the little metal luggage lock, he hissed and drew his hand away. The tongs he kept his distance from those too.


    "I''m not telling you nought."


    "Double negative." I said. "So that means you are going to tell us something."


    The man exagerratedly pressed his lips together and covered his eyes with his hands. He could have covered something else which would have been much nicer. "Don''t you have pants?" I asked him. "Maybe we should give you a towel. Do you have any Geraldine?"


    I turned to look at Geraldine and she was staring at the both of us. "Now are you two going to tell me what''s going on here? Is this the Apocalypse and that''s one of Satan''s minions?"


    I hemmed for a moment and then said, "To tell you the truth, I don''t know if this is the Apocalypse or not, but that is definitely a dungeon mob and this is nt exactly your apartment, but is probably your tutorial level. I guess what I''m saying is that we''re in a video game. I think."


    "You think?" She repeated, her hair in curlers. Her eyes were wide.


    "It has all the markers of a video game, but it''s really real to touch. Suze and I just fought off hundreds of spiders the size of Tubbs or even bigger. This guy," I jerked a thumb at the little man in the cage. "Is probably the monster you''re supposed to fight to learn how to play this thing."


    "Kaylee. How is it I''m in a video game with you two? I''ve never played anything except Candy Crush on my phone."


    "I don''t really know. I think we have to go further in the dungeon to find out." I noticed that Suze had left the room since the green glow faded, moving along with her. I sent her a ball of light after reupping it again. "First, I''m going to add you to our party along with maybe the cats?" I looked at the three cats who were lapping up ice cream in bowls.


    My mind fritzed. "Do you have your fridge?"


    "Oh yes dear. After what Bootsie did to that little man, I thought they all deserved some ice cream."


    Kaylee Tier 0 - ASMR Content Creator: SUuuuuuuze! We have a fridge! I repeat. WE HAVE A FRIDGE!

 Chapter 13: Respite

    Not only did Geraldine have a fridge, but she also had a working stove and a dishwasher. I was famished enough to ask if we could bug her to have breakfast. We had been raiding late at night until early in the morning and I think at least a few hours had passed since we entered this dungeon. I hadn''t eaten since a bag of microwave popcorn at 9pm the night before.


    While she cooked, Geraldine told me about how she woke up in her lounger chair to the sound of someone rummaging through her kitchen. When she came around the corner, it was the little man. She grabbed a knife and he ran past. So she shut the door on her kitchen and threw things at him.


    Geraldine''s apartment was so full of stuff I had to imagine that was the reason we didn''t have anything spawn in ours. Calling her apartment a hoard was unkind after I realised that it was more like a treasure trove. The fridge was a golden prize ¡ª actually harvest gold. It was older than either me or Suze and it hummed, but it was inexplicably cold inside and Suze could actually pick it up to loot it.


    Apparently Suze had levelled some abilities with all the fighting of spiders. She was able to temporarily increase her strength. It lasted long enough for her to pick up not just the fridge, but also the stove and the dishwasher one at a time. All of them were old, metal, and decorated with harvest gold paint, but they worked. How they worked, I had no idea. I just loved that we could turn the oven on and cook something and when you put something in the fridge, it was like it automatically got chilled to the set temperature.


    As Geraldine cooked and Suze ensured that the entire apartment was looted, I went to the front door. Geraldine''s front door, was an actual door. This was likely our exit. I didn''t want to open it for fear that it''d unlock some kind of monster and I still was unable to heal myself again. The cooldown timer was bizarre. I explained as much to the two of them while we ate Mac''n''Cheese with bowls and spoons and drank some OJ.


    Geraldine fussed over me to help ease the pain and bruising. She had so many pills of all kinds in her kitchen cabinets. I took a couple of acetaminophen.


    As I did, no game alerts happened. I inspected the bottle and it just said Bottle. I did feel less pain in the right amount of time. I let Suze know.


    WeeWee had given up giving us the silent treatment so began singing a loud and out-of-tune song in a language none of us understood. He annoyed Suze enough that she put his cage in time out in the bathroom. It was the only room where nothing had spawned. Not even the toilet paper. I felt a bit better once Geraldine let me know that it was the expensive fluffy stuff from the drug store. There was no gaping hole in her floor for spiders to climb up. I checked.


    We took time to block the windows entirely and barricade the doors and set up jingly bells to hopefully alert us if anything broke through. I added another larger cage around the cage that held WeeWee and ignored him while he hissed at me and threatened to cast curses on me and the like. I ignored him. If he could have done it, he would have already.


    Then I closed the door to the bathroom and we barricaded that.


    Geraldine was amused by us looting everything. She told us so when we sat around the glow of candles eating the last of the slightly congealed Mac''n''Cheese directly from her pot with a two large wooden spoons. It was nice not to have to cast my light spell, but I wondered if maybe I was losing out on levelling it up so every once in awhile I cast it just to do it. The cats got some canned catfood and were enjoying our attentions. I noticed the other two cats also had a Tier 0 class or whatever of Cat as well.


    Geraldine was talking so I focused on listening to her. "If I''d known you girls liked cleaning up all my things so much, I would have had you over earlier."


    "I hate cleaning, but I like looting." Suze leaned back. She was still inspecting the whip. It glowed that greenish lime light whenever she wanted it to. Another light source unattached to a spell that required recasting would be useful. "You had so much to loot too."


    "Suze." I admonished her.


    "No she''s right. I have too much stuff. Most of it was my late husband''s and I just hadn''t found a way to get rid of it."


    "Oh, Geraldine." I said and reached out to touch her on the arm.


    "I''m not sad Kaylee dear. He''s been gone over a decade now. I didn''t need the space in that room so I just shut the door and left it."


    "What''s in all the boxes?"


    "Who knows? Most of those things were from his shop. When the lease ended I didn''t want to offload it all and just had it shipped here."


    "Shop? What did he do?"


    "He was a traditional Chinese medicine practitioner."


    "Oh, wow." I looked at Suze who seemed just as impressed. Some of the stuff in those boxes could be really useful medicine-wise, but I didn''t know how long supplies would be okay since 10 years was a long time. Besides, everything would likely be labeled just Bottle so it would be trial and error to figure out what anything was. "Do you know how to make things with his stuff?"


    She shook her head. "No. That was his expertise. Mine was a little different."


    "What is your expertise Geraldine?" Suze asked.


    "I''ll be right back." She wandered back into the kitchen, taking our dirty dishes with her.


    "Suze. Don''t you think it''s terrible that this game thing summoned Geraldine? She clearly didn''t play the game. I don''t even think she owned a computer."


    "I thought she could be a trick. Some kind of NPC trap. But it''s definitely Geraldine. She handed me a letter that had ended up in her mail that she said she was going to drop off in the morning." Suze yawned. "I''m so tired, I''m dead."This tale has been unlawfully obtained from Royal Road. If you discover it on Amazon, kindly report it.


    My heart dropped. "Please don''t say that."


    Suze half-grinned and then had the audacity to wink at me.


    Geraldine came back to us right then, carrying several bottles of beer in each hand. "Here''s my expertise girls. I worked in a brewery. Still brew my own wine and beer."


    Suze whooped in joy and Geraldine tossed one to her. She opened the bottle with her teeth. I frowned at her.


    "You can lose teeth that way."


    "Yes m?ezinha." She took a swig and after an appreciative grunt, she said, "We should have spent more time with you before this."


    "Well. Well. I keep to myself." Geraldine''s voice was gruff, but she looked actually happy. She passed a beer to me and I thought about using my shirt to twist off the lid, but it was caked in guts and bits of my weirdly magicked strands of hair stuck to that. I just settled for twisting off the bottle top with my hand.


    I sipped at the bottle while the other two talked. Geraldine knew quite a bit of apartment building gossip. Suze knew the people around us enough that she could show interest in it. It felt good, but strange to hear them chattering as if the last bunch of hours hadn''t happened.


    I just couldn''t let go of it. In the course of the past few hours I could have died multiple times. I can cast spells. I summoned or conjured or created a magical mirror from nothing. I pulled it from inventory and it appeared in my hand.


    Mirror of the Moon. Conjured by Kaylee. Level 1 item.


    Looking back at me in the silver depths was just a reflection of me.


    "Mirror mirror!" Suze tossed a pillow at me. "Drink your beer."


    "It''s just. It''s kinda unbelievable."


    The other two laughed wryly and drank their beer.


    I just played with the bottle, not drinking any more. I thought about the door and how I had no idea what lay beyond it. I also thought about the abyss outside the windows we barricaded. Then the little man locked in the bathroom who I could barely just hear shouting obscenities at us.


    While we drank, Geraldine hauled a bunch of knitted and crocheted blankets out from a closet. They only smelled a little dusty, but I didn''t care. Then she pointed at us, "You two look disgusting. Take off your clothes and we''ll clean them tomorrow."


    "We don''t have anything to wear."


    "Hmph. I have just the things." She took off again with one of the candles but then stopped at the edge of her hallway. "Did you loot everything in here Susana?"


    Suze answered in the affirmative.


    "Can you cough up the things from my closet?"


    "Uhh." Suze seemed a bit stumped and then as she focused on something, she chuckled happily. "I just got a skill about an improved inventory. I can search now by category. What am I looking for?"


    "My clothes."


    A few moments later, a pile of brightly coloured fabric lay on the floor. Geraldine attacked the pile like nobody''s business and clothes flew back to Suze who absorbed them back into her inventory one by one.


    Geraldine was a small lady, but she had lots of clothes from the 1970s that were way too large for her. The final items that remained were three giant muumuus covered in psychedelic patterns. "Put these on and here are some baby wipes. Use them liberally."


    We did as we were told and put our nasty clothes in a pile far enough away that I realised they had been stinking. I even used the baby wipes on my hair. It was gross, but not as gross as the gunk that came off when I cleaned them. We used up an entire package. Suze then looted the empty package.


    "Are you going to loot everything? Even garbage?"


    "Sure." Suze grinned. "I loot everything."


    Yeah, well we''d looted everything in Geraldine''s apartment and we could put it back. If Geraldine stayed here, she''d maybe be safe. But then, what if this area closed off and she ran out of food. I had no idea how long the game would last or what happened if you stayed in one place for too long. Did things respawn?


    She wasn''t safe. She had to go with us.


    "Geraldine, I don''t know how we''re going to get you out of here, but I really want you and the cats to stay with us so we can protect you."


    "Kaylee..." she trailed off and it became clear to me that she''d decided to stay here.


    "No way. You''re not staying. We''re going to need to sleep for the night here, but I think the WeeWee guy is easy mode in this dungeon and he nearly strangled me to death with my own hair. I have no idea what else will come into this apartment or even if you''ll be able to survive. At least with us we can protect you."


    Suze raised her eyebrows.


    "Well, at least Suze can protect you."


    Suze frowned at me. "That''s not why I gave you that look."


    "You''ve got combat skills. I don''t -- yet. I will. I''ll work at it. But I can heal once in a blue moon and that''s useful. I have some lights and they''re slowly levelling up. If I work at it, I bet I could be just a good a healer as I am in Realms. I can protect you." I said to Geraldine with as much seriousness and assuredness as I could fake. I almost believed myself.


    "Yesterday is a foreign country." Geraldine said sadly and I had no idea what she meant by that. "Maybe this is my time. You girls should just leave me."


    At the exact same time, Suze and I said, "No/N¨¡o."


    "Not an option." Besides the guilt I felt at having her with us here which was likely our fault if my theories were correct. I couldn''t just leave her. We still had no idea how respawning worked or if this area would remain standing. Without groceries to replace her food, she''d starve to death. "You''ll come with us."


    "I don''t want to kill things or fight, dear Kaylee." She pet Bootsie and the cat arched up to her hand.


    "You won''t have to." I said.


    Suze gave me a look like, Are you crazy? Maybe I was. So far at every step of this place we had interacted with things intent to kill us. Geraldine maybe was not going to be helpful in combat, but technically neither was I in comparison to Suze. Geraldine may prove useful in so many ways like she knew how to crochet and she spent years making beer and wine. If anything, she could help us get drunk when things got really terrible.


    "I''m going to find us some kind of safe place. Like a guild hall." I didn''t add that I hoped they existed because I didn''t want her to question coming with us. "You can live there while we explore the dungeon and try to level up to fight the big bad at the end and get out of here." I hoped. I had no idea if killing the final boss got us out of this place, but it was at least a goal to work towards. "Besides, your Mac''N''Cheese was the best I''ve ever had so if you could cook for us, that''d be so freaking helpful you have no idea."


    Suze added, "Kaylee is the worst cook."


    Sarcastically I said, "Thanks." Then after a moment of really admitting to myself I said, "It''s true. I can''t cook. We play a video game and nowhere in it do you have to stop and eat food, but we''re going to need to. We''re going to need to sleep. Rest. Eat food. Drink. I have no skills at cooking or anything really domestic. I mean I order breakfast and pick it up at the coffee shop. You, have those skills though. And more! Look at all you can do. I mean, with yarn you can make clothing and blankets."


    I knew that I needed to get her on board with us. I couldn''t live with myself if she just sat here and eventually starved to death or died by some dirty little creature with his weenie hanging out.


    "I''ll think on it," she said and deflated with a heavy sigh. "Now I am exhausted. Don''t mind an old lady who needs her beauty rest."


    We all three laid out together in her living room. Geraldine fell asleep first. I felt like maybe I should stay awake and watch over them, but Suze sat up and she said, "Kaylee. Let me stay up. I''m tired, but I had a second wind."


    I wanted to bicker and try to be the hero, but I was really tired. A kind of tired I hadn''t felt in a long time. "Okay. Thanks Suze." I lay down and closed my eyes. I was almost asleep when I heard Susana say one last thing.


    "Besides you''ll need the respite to interrogate that unpleasant little fucker in the bathroom in the morning."


    Sleep dragged me under.

 Chapter 14: Explaining to Geraldine

    I woke up to find two of Geraldine''s cats had snuggled into my body. I was tempted to doze off again with hope that this was a dream and I would wake up back in my bed at home, but someone lit a candle and the room glowed with light.


    "Suze?"


    "No dear. It''s me. Susana fell asleep sitting up. I''ve tucked her in. Let''s speak quietly so not to disturb her." Geraldine had her black cat on her lap and sat cross-legged watching me. "At first I thought I was dead and this was the afterlife."


    I nodded because the thought had crossed my mind.


    "Then I thought it was a test by the devil or I am dying of carbon monoxide poisoning."


    I again nodded in agreement with her.


    "Whatever it is, I am going with the two of you and we are taking my cats."


    I smiled at her and before I could say anything she held up her hand as if to stop me.


    "And I am going to find a way to defend myself. I don''t want to fight, but if it comes to that, then I will."


    "I promise you that we''ll do everything we can to protect you."


    "It''d be nice to know what it is you''ll be protecting me from."


    "I can''t tell you what we''ll face, but I can tell you what we think about this. We think it''s a game."


    "A game? I play #Candy Crush and #June''s Journey."


    I hemmed and hawwed, "No. It''s not like that. It''s more like shows like Game of Thrones or Lord of the Rings. Have you heard of Realms of Ifaneli?"


    She furrowed her brow. "Is that the game with blocks my nephew''s kid plays?"


    "Not that one specifically. It''s a MMORPG -- multiplayer online uhh. Massive multiplayer online roleplay game. Though the lore of this game seems kinda celtic? Or maybe Shakespeare." I said it with the hard ''k'' sound in the c. "It''s the same idea. In Realms there are two factions."


    Suze mumbled from her pile of blankets. "We play the dark side."


    "What Suze means is that we play as Dark Blight. It''s kind of full of darker monster races."


    "Kaylee chose it only because they have the hot elves. I wanted to play undead."


    "I did not choose it for the elves."


    "You switched sides when the hot elves expansion happened. All your characters are hot elves."


    I got hot in the face. I switched sides because I met Matt on the server Discord and we''d hit it off. It''d been two years of voice chat flirting and PvP murdering one another before that. The expansion had just coincided with me switching over and so we started low level characters together. "I only have two Pirates of the Consort." I don''t know why I felt peevish about this and so I switched tracks. "It doesn''t matter about Realms. It''s just an example of the kind of game I think this is. It seems like we have to decide between factions run by two big leaders. I don''t know who would be the equivalent Dark Blight here and I don''t know if that''d be a good choice right off the bat."


    "Obermoron is Dark Blight. Titanic is Sun Paragon."


    "Let''s wait to pick if we run into some of our guildmates. Or at least get more information first."


    I realised that Geraldine had not said anything for a bit and so I looked over at her. She had this blank look on her face as she sat now with her three cats in her lap. She just pet them.


    "Have I lost you?" I asked.The author''s tale has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.


    "Yes, dear. I felt like I was listening to the adults in Charlie Brown."


    I had no idea what she meant by that, but I tried to explain it in the way that I had explained it to my mother when I moved across the country to move in with a guy I met online in a video game. "Essentially it''s collaborative puzzle solving and combat. You work with others to achieve goals and it''s like a community. Like group chess."


    "With more blood."


    "Go back to sleep Suze." I tossed a stuffed bolster pillow at her. "Geraldine, I think that this Funnel or whatever they''re calling it, is the same thing, but instead of playing as imaginary characters, we are the characters. We learn the skills. We have to physically attack things. We can learn magic." I cast the balls of light spell to emphasize my point. "It''s some kind of simulator thing and I can''t tell how they''re doing it. Or why we''re in it. We even have chat and a minimap and windows that pop up in our vision."


    "Is that why I have all these things blocking my sight?"


    "Oh! Let''s help you with that. It may take some explanation."


    "Then while you explain I''m going to make us breakfast. Pancakes, bacon and eggs?"


    "Geraldine, te amo. I will be marrying you." Suze stretched.


    "Well dear, could you please cough up my kitchen table and cooking supplies first?"


    Suze saluted Geraldine and then grunted as she stood up. Instead of folding the blankets, she bent down, picked them up and they disappeared in her inventory. She dispersed most of the things she had looted from the kitchen. Including the fridge. When Geraldine was satisfied with the supplies she had, Suze said. "If you need to use the toilet, I''ve got ours and Kaylee''s toilet paper. But that little man is in the toilet so I am going to set it up in your room." Then Suze went off to set up a temporary toilet for us in Geraldine''s now empty room.


    Cooking pancakes, bacon, and eggs made the whole place smell heavenly. I explained about the UI and while helping Geraldine, I actually was able to do some minor modifications to my own. I talked her through the basics and then stumbled upon adjusting colours and transparency. With tweaking, I could get my screen to almost look like my heavily modded Realms one. I still could not find my abilities, character sheet, or skill list. There also wasn''t a hot bar to set up with the spells.


    When she was done cooking, she loaded up some plates and just as she was about to pass them to me she jumped up and nearly dropped the plates. "Oh!"


    I reached to catch the plates, but she had a solid grip on them so I didn''t want to rip them out of her hands. "What? What!"


    "''You have received a cooking skill called ''Gourmeth.''"


    That didn''t sound good. "Oh. Uhm. Can I set the table?" I reached again for the plates and this time the dialogue box happened.


    Would you like to take Plates of Gourmeth Enhanced Pancakes, Eggs, and Bacon from Geraldine - Tier 0 - Bed & Breakfast Innkeeper? Yes or no?"


    I thought positively and it seemed to work enough to make my end of the interaction happen.


    "Oh. Yes." She seemed very distracted and had a look on her face like she was staring at her UI. She had accepted my request.


    I took the plates of food and then inspected them.


    Each one said, Plate of Gourmeth Enhanced Pancakes, Eggs, and Bacon - Cooked by Geraldine.


    "It told me you are an ASMR Content Creator. What is that?"


    From the other room Suze came in, wiping her hands with the baby wipes. "She gets paid to blow on microphones."


    The look on Geraldine''s face made me quickly cover for myself. "No. I don''t do that. I have a job doing overnight IT helpdesk and sometimes when we''re playing Realms of Ifaneli I livestream it. But there''s nothing wrong with being any kind of content creator."


    Before I could warn her to wait, Suze took one of the plates and just began shovelling the food in her face. Between mouthfuls she said, "Mmm. This is really, really good."


    "Kaylee doesn''t have an OnlyFans account, but it''s just a matter of time."


    I took a deep breath hoping that my Calming Breath skill would trigger, but it did not. "Please don''t listen to her."


    Geraldine waved her hand. "Eat up. Eat up. Anyway, the two of you speak in tongues. Half the time I don''t have a clue what you are saying, anyhow. I''m sure I''ll pick up on it as we go."


    I watched Suze carefully to see if the food triggered anything. Since I couldn''t see the properties in the item itself, I hope I could at least see if it caused a buff or debuff with her. Suze''s health bar was in the green and then it had a little symbol of a steaming dish on it. She seemed to be fine so I sat at the table and began eating the food on my plate. After a moment, I felt a surge of warmth.


    You have been blessed with the Gourmeth buff.


    Other than the alert, nothing popped up for me to able to inspect it. So frustrating. At least I felt a bit better.


    Once Suze finished shovelling most of the plate down and had swallowed. She slowed right down on eating. Geraldine served us cups of orange juice and brought her own plate to the table.


    "I know it''s a lot. It''s a lot for me too. All I think you need to know right now is you''re a Bed & Breakfast Innkeeper. It''s some kind of class or something. A job that you are and I think it''ll offer some abilities like this Gourmeth buff -- uhm -- it''s like a boon or a gift you give us through the food. It seems to be positive." Even though the name really gave me concern. Meth?


    We ate in silence for a bit, but I couldn''t stop thinking about the door and what could be outside.


    "We need to know more about this place before we go out that door. I think we should talk to the little man in the bathroom."

 Chapter 15: Weewee Man

    Suze opened the door to the bathroom and I stepped through. My globe of light illuminated the creepy little Hangman and I couldn''t help but say, "Ew." He was doing something rather gross with his dangly bits. I looked away.


    He laughed this rictus cackle. "You left me in here human without anything but me balls to play with."


    Suze snorted.


    I tossed him a tea towel. "At least put that around your waist. And keep your hands away from your body please."


    He grumbled and I expected him to fight me on it, but he complied. With my balls of light in here, I could see that his face was craggy and stone-like with a greyness. His eyes were pure black orbs either all pupil or just black. He had sharp little teeth when he smiled at me, like he slowly did. His jaw widened as he did so, like a shark in a kid''s cartoon.


    "So little man." I kneeled down in front of the Hangman''s cage. He was little, creepy and fey-like and dark. I inspected him, but far enough away that his weird gangly arms could not reach me through the metal bars of the cat cage. His information popped up:


    The Weewee Hangman - Monster - Tier 0 Boss - ?


    Well that was interesting. I wanted to know more about the symbol that looked like a craggy mountain.


    Suze - Tier 0 - High Rise Cleaner: He won''t tell us the truth Kaylee. We should just drop him off the abyss.


    Kaylee - Tier 0 - ASMR Content Creator: I know I don''t trust that he will tell us the truth, but he might give us some information. Some is better than basically none.


    I spoke out loud to him. "We need some information."


    He cackled again. "You think I will give it to ye?"


    "I hope so. I don''t want to have to threaten you because that feels really against my character."


    "It''s not against mine." Suze said, rather unhelpfully again. She smacked her palm and one fist together.


    "Suze. Not helping."


    "He wanted to kill Geraldine. I have zero fucks to give about this porra."


    "Not kill," he said imperiously and glared at Suze.


    I needed to get some control of the conversation. I waved to get his attention. "Hey. Hey. Yes. Over here. Hi. I''m the one asking you questions. First, can you tell me what the mountain means on your tag?"


    "Mountain on my tag? Is this some foreign saying I do not comprehend?"


    "Your name is The Hangman - Monster - Tier 0 Boss and then a mountain appears after your name. What does that mean?"


    He narrowed those creepy black eyes at me. "You speak a strange language. Witchery? Follower of Titania?"


    "I don''t follow anyone."


    "Then you should follow my Master."


    "No!" I answered quickly and saw his eyebrows gather and a glint of fierceness grow over his face. So I backtracked and gently said, "Not yet. I haven''t decided. We haven''t decided. Yet."


    "Then you must all decide to follow my master! King Oberon will give you power! Might! Magic!" He jumped up at this and then winced when his head braised the bars. Carefully he sat onto the plastic floor of the cage, his hand rubbed the spot that had sizzled at the metal''s touch. He perched a bit more that he had interest in this conversation. "He sent me here to the Filth Forge to collect the Chosen One. If the three of you join him, one of you must be her and so he will be most pleased! You could come with The Hangman and he will let King Oberon know that you are his minions and he will be most pleased. Most pleased." The little man rubbed his hands together eagerly.


    I''d joined a MLM once. A friend from high school told me she had a great opportunity to make some money selling candles. I didn''t even like candles, but I had sunk about $500 into the inventory of candles that smelled like Thanksgiving Dinner and Christmas Mistletoe and Pureed Beets. Their smell lasted longer than my interest in the scheme because every month she bugged me ceaselessly about selling more candles and I really just didn''t want to bug all my friends and family who already were bugged by their friends and family.


    Something about this reminded me of her initial pitch. You''ll make so much money Kaylee! Yeah. No.


    I really didn''t. It cost me even more to cancel my contract with them. Apparently I had to buy myself out of the business which was an extra $50 for nothing.


    "We''ll think about this Oberon guy if you tell us about this world."


    "King Oberon." He corrected.


    "Right. King Oberon."


    He pondered for a moment, but seemed to come to a decision and he spread out his two hands as if about to start a tale. "This world is split between those who follow my master and the other one."


    "Queen Titanic." The way Suze said it sounded hilarious. Tee tan eek.


    "It''s Titania. I think it''s like a Shakespeare world or something." I said and really wished I had paid attention to the high school production of Midsummer Night''s Dream that they''d forced us to sit through instead of going to class. I vaguely remembered something about a donkey. "So it''s split between Queen Titania and King Oberon. It benefits us somehow if we pick a side."


    "All must pick a side in the War." He said. "We will be victorious and so you should choose ours. All the Funnelled must choose us if they want to live."


    "Is this a permakill game?" I asked.The author''s narrative has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.


    He twisted his head a bit. "What is perma kill?"


    "I mean. If we die, do we come back to life?"


    He snorted. "Not humans. Never."


    My heart dropped. Permakill would be a really bad thing.


    "So what perks come with your side?" I needed to hear the full spiel now.


    His delight in answering was almost orgasmic. "My Master is the Lord of the Forge. He can make any blade and imbue it with the magic of any of his domains."


    I tried to remember what I knew about domains in video games and tabletop RPGs. In Realms of Ifaneli, the divine was all just one thing and it was split between Light and Dark. Kinda like Star Wars. The one time I played D&D, I had been told to make a cleric and so I distinctly remember being overwhelmed by the many choices I had in domains. In the end I''d let the DM choose for me ¡ª who was Matt''s best friend and he didn''t like me so he made sure it was a really boring one.


    D&D and I didn''t vibe despite how much I loved playing Realms which was supposedly created by a bunch of guys who played D&D together who formed a game studio or something.


    Suze Tier 0 - High Rise Cleaner: Are you there? Did he cast something on you?


    Kaylee - Tier 0 - ASMR Content Creator: Sorry. I got distracted.


    I needed to focus and stop thinking about Matt. The Hangman was still going on about the perks and I had missed a few.


    "... Summoning of the wolves and ravens. He is the King of the Storm. He can offer magics of all kinds. My bullwhip ¡ª that one stole ¡ª was created by him."


    "Oh, so he''s the ruler of strangling hair extensions?"


    The little man furrowed his brow, clearly not understanding my quip. He continued as if I hadn''t said anything at all. "When Queen Titania falls, we will march on the Center and steal the power of magic. All of us will be rewarded."


    "Cool. Cool." This was all backstory and lore. I guess the motivations of the expansion or game story or whatever. I just needed to know a couple of things about gameplay. I had a feeling that since he was clearly an NPC, he wouldn''t know about mechanics. But he might understand things if I explained them like I was roleplaying in the game.


    "Is there somewhere we can go that will be like a hub city in a game. Where all the Funnelled go to do quests and stuff?"


    "Pah. You speak of Loch Mol. One day my Master will come and murder all of them. What is worse than following the Bright Queen is following no one at all."


    I began to wonder if when I asked him about humans dying being permanent, he told me about NPCs. So I asked, "Do the Funnelled die and come back to life?"


    "Only as the undead and under control of someone else."


    "So when we ¡ª and I mean the Funnelled ¡ª" I made a mental note to start referring to myself as a Funnelled, whatever that meant "¡ª die. We''re dead. Dead. No come back."


    He nodded. "Yes. Dead. Dead. No come back." He mocked my tone.


    Suze had let me do the talking. She probably had been scrolling through her inventory with that new skill she learned. When he said dead however, she sent me a chat.


    Suze Tier 0 - High Rise Cleaner: Kaylee. Does that mean we could die?


    Kaylee Tier 0 - ASMR Content Creator: I think it does. I don''t think we respawn. I don''t know if that means we end up out of this game and back in our own home. But I really bled Suze. The spider guts were really real. That breakfast was the best I''ve ever had.


    Kaylee Tier 0 - ASMR Content Creator: I don''t want to die.


    I schooled my face to try to keep the emotions that ran through me deep inside my skull and not on my rather expressive face.


    "What does your master offer us if we ally with him and I have one more question, why did he send you to kidnap Geraldine? Why are you here?"


    I could see he wanted not to answer, but then something shrewd came over his expression and he said, "Master knew the Prophecied One was here and so sent me to collect her. The Queen sent her spider minions as well."


    "They would have killed us."


    "Perhaps. Or she would have stolen you. She is sly."


    Suze Tier 0 - High Rise Cleaner: They did immobilize you. I just thought that they did it to kill.


    Kaylee Tier 0 - ASMR Content Creator: Ditto.


    I stood up and then paced a bit around the cage. The Hangman watched me, turning so that his back was never to me or Suze. I didn''t relish the idea of having to kill this little creature, but maybe we had to.


    Doing it with him in a cage, that just felt really wrong.


    "I can see yer struggling with what to do with me. How''s this. I have a wager for ye. We toss dice and if I wins, then ye goes with me and I get my sweet Bright Hair back. If I loses, then I''ll tell ye how to get to Loch Mol and she can keep it."


    Like I even had dice. I paused for a moment, then realised that enclosed in my hand was a set of silver dice. I looked down at them. Dice of the Moon. Conjured by Kaylee. Level 1 item. Somehow that mirror was now dice. I thought about how the Hangman was allergic to metal and as I did, the shiny surface turned into what looked to be plain clear, but silvery tinted resin dice with black pips.


    "Okay, little man." I said. "You''re on. But we''re using my dice."


    Suze shouted, "No!"


    I just stared at her.


    Kaylee Tier 0 - ASMR Content Creator: Trust me.


    Suze Tier 0 - High Rise Cleaner: Let''s just toss him and be done with it.


    Kaylee Tier 0 - ASMR Content Creator: Trust me.


    "Let me out of here!"


    "You can toss dice in a cage." Suze said, shutting that down.


    "Fine." He looked sullen and crossed his arms.


    "Okay. What is this dice game of yours?"


    "I roll one. You roll one. The highest wins. One roll. One chance."


    "Sure. Here." I tossed a dice into the cage and it clattered on the ground.


    He grabbed it with both hands and brought the dice up to his eyes, then his nose and sniffed. He turned it this way and that.


    "What?" I asked, suddenly concerned that he could tell that the dice were conjured or magic or whatever although I had no clue on how that would give me an advantage.


    He gave another huff onto it and the die just remained a die. He gave it a lick. He spent a moment flicking his tongue at the dice and I cringed.


    "Stop tonguing it. Toss the damn thing." Suze snarled.


    "On three." He said having finally come to some kind of conclusion about the die in his hand. "One. Two. Three."


    I crouched and tossed mine onto the ground by my feet. He tossed his -- which was also mine -- by his own feet.


    We both got 4s.


    He grunted, frowning at the dice.


    "It''s a tie. What happens in a tie?" I asked.


    "Reroll." He poked at the dice and then he tossed it outside the cage. "We switch dice."


    "Okay." I did so, giving him the die I used in the throw. I wiped the die onto my borrowed muumuu to at least get some of his slobber off and the bits of stone floor that stuck to it. "Let me count this time."


    He grunted in assent, after he gave the new die another taste and sniff test. This time he seemed to smile widely. "Be my guest."


    "One. Two. Three." I tossed.


    He tossed his.


    We both got 3s.


    Suze let out an exasperated sigh. "No more switching. Roll again. One. Two. Three."


    I swiped up my die and tossed. He did the same.


    His landed on 3 again.


    Mine landed on 4.


    I shrieked in delight. "Aha! We won!"


    "Tricks! Lies!" He tossed the die and grabbed it and tossed and grabbed and tossed. Each time the die come out with an assortment of results. Each time he got more angry. "Magic blocking! Cursed tricks!"


    The room glowed green and Suze held the bullwhip in front of his face. I hadn''t seen her move up to the cage. She growled. "Why are you mad pintinho? Did you try to scam us by using magic? We won fair and square. Now give Kaylee back her dice."


    He tossed the dice out of the cage and I didn''t want to chase after it, but I also didn''t want to forget that it was there so I ended up doing so.


    "Now you''re going to show us which way to go. You''re not going to lie to us or the next time I see you, you''ll be..." Suze made the finger motion about cutting off at the neck.


    Kaylee Tier 0 - ASMR Content Creator: Suze. Are you okay...?


    Suze Tier 0 - High Rise Cleaner: ;p Go with it.


    "Oh yeah she means it. She''s so violent. And will totally murder you to pieces."


    The Hangman cowered and Suze smirked. "Now. Sit tight here while we clean up the place. I''ll be back and you better be ready to give us directions Weewee Man."

 Chapter 16: Choose Your Path

    Packing up was so easy since we could loot everything. Geraldine, it turned out, even had a portable washer that when you put clothes in it then closed the lid, just automatically cleaned them. I mean, they were sopping wet, but after a bit of time wringing out the water and carefully holding them in front of the open over door, we had warm and dry clothes. We were going to be so spoiled having clean clothes and cold orange juice.


    The downside to having all these awesome appliances was that Geraldine was stuck in here with us. That made me think about the rest of our apartment building. I wondered if the apartment below us had someone stuck in it and I mentioned it.


    Geraldine patted me gently and said, "Oh, dear. They moved out last month. That apartment''s still empty for renovictions. If that slumlord was staying the night in the place, then he deserved to be spider souffl¨¦. Serves him right for kicking out a young couple with a brand new baby."


    I felt so relieved, but then conflicted for a moment because I didn''t want anyone to die. Even if he was our scum sucking landlord.


    Suze looted everything for us until the entire apartment was bare. I explained to Geraldine how to give Suze and me access to her inventory to make it easier to pass things back and forth. I gave both of them unlimited access to mine.


    It felt good to be back in my own jeans and hoodie. I could have used some running shoes instead of bunny slippers, but Geraldine had the world''s tiniest feet. So, no go there.


    To help with moving the cats, I wore the coolest backpack I had ever seen. It was like a cat backpack condo. Each cat had their own individual little bag including shoulder straps that zipped together. All three made it rather tall, but Suze said she''d carry two of them once we dealt with The Hangman. The cats could look out mesh sides and those could be closed in case of rain or snow.


    We had no idea what the weather would be like outside since the abyss had just been dark and stoney. We had to be ready for anything.


    When Suze returned with the Hangman, I was happy to see that he just sat in the middle of the cage, focusing on not sliding about and hitting the edges. He wasn''t overtly trying anything.


    We all moved to the entrance to the apartment. I stood in front of the other two.


    I reached out my left hand back to grab Suze''s. She gripped mine in comfort. I reached the other hand beside me to Geraldine. She squeezed with her papery thin skin dry against mine.


    "Are you ready?"


    They both answered, "Yes/Claro."


    I let go of their hands and reached out to the door. "Okay, here we go." I took a deep breath, then I turned the handle, and opened the door.


    I fully expected an attack in my face, but instead we were standing on what looked to be the landing in front of Geraldine''s apartment. The industrial grey carpet went out in front of us and where the apartment door on the other side of the hallway would be, instead was a great vista of a miraculous world.


    We stood at the edge of a steep cliff. It cut through the carpet in jagged edges as though someone had just sliced half the building to form rock crags. I stepped out a few steps, testing the solidness of the ground beneath me and it seemed safe so I shuffled out further.


    Beneath me was the carpet, but I could feel the solidness of earth underfoot instead of the bizarrely spongy landing floor. What we looked out upon was breathtaking.


    It seemed to be early morning. At least looking straight ahead it gave the appearance of a morning sky. Birds flew up in the ether chirping and riding along the wind currents. There was wind. It gusted and I could feel it on my face and smell that clean crisp scent of wilderness, not the wet city cementness I was used to.


    To the right the horizon was blocked by a massive mountainous region with cragged peaks tipped with snow. Heading toward it were rocky uplands with smaller mountains and dark, coniferous forests. The sky grew darker there and behind a few of the mountains, smoke curled around and spread out. Even further off, there was a constant red glow like maybe lava or fire?


    Foundations of a shattered stone bridge stuck out from our side and it would have cut across to the other side of a ravine but the bridge itself was missing. Where the stone bases anchored, someone had attached a rickety wooden bridge of planks and rope to cross the expanse from one side to the other. A definite death trap of wood almost out of a cartoon.This story has been stolen from Royal Road. If you read it on Amazon, please report it


    "That''s a nope for me." Suze said and I looked at her to see that she was staring at the bridge too.


    "There. Release me there!" The Hangman pointed at the bridge. "We will go to my Master. See his likeness?"


    I followed his finger pointing across to the other side of the ravine and up a rocky hillside where there was a chiseled chinned man''s face with a crown carved into the stone. I said, "His cheekbones are so jaunty that they have birds nesting on them." Sure enough, there not only bird nests, but so much bird poop dripping down that it looked like he was crying white tears. If Lord Oberon looked like that, he could be an amalgamation of every 30-to-40-something Hollywood hero. Square jaw. High cheekbones. Narrow eyes. It was unclear about his hairline because his head just formed into the natural rock.


    "Birds! Defiling the Master!" He hissed. "Let me free from this cold iron. I will eat those birds for dinner!"


    I could then notice a definite path curving up from the bridge formation and up into the hillside. It passed beside the stone likeness and wound up and up until it went around a craggy bend and I couldn''t see it again.


    There was no way we would be doing that. Suze put The Hangman''s cage down far enough away from the edge that it wouldn''t topple unless he chose to push himself toward it. With his complaints about the metal, I don''t think he could.


    She wandered along the carpet toward where the front side of the apartment building would have been. At home, that was a doorway leading to a wide staircase that went down to a landing midway between floors and then downward to the next floor. Here, it was just open to the world. She peered out over the edge of the cliff and beyond her it was very dark.


    "Stairs?" I asked somewhat hopeful.


    "N?o. It''s just the abyss below. It goes on for a long time. There is a waterfall down here though." She pointed to the ravine between us and the mountain path. "And a river that way." She then dragged her finger along the line of the ravine and to the opposite direction of the abyss.


    I leaned over the edge and could see there was a bottom several stories below. With a meandering narrow river below that did run down to the abyss and water sprayed off into the darkness. In the opposite direction and upriver, there was wide pond created by beaver dam that crossed the river''s width. It blocked up the water enough that a pond with giant water lilies and lilypads had formed.


    "Release me! We had a deal!"


    I ignored him, for now. "Here Suze. See anything? Tsk." I sent all the globes of light toward her and ran them around the corner out of my line of sight. I zoomed out in the minimap to see the markers of the balls moving in darkness.


    "Just the side of the apartment building and darkness."


    I didn''t bother to bring the balls of light back, but when I stopped concentrating on their direction, they flew back to me as if I pulled an elastic band before they dissipated at the end of their duration.


    Well, mountains to the right of us. Then I looked to the left following a path that traveled along the cliff that turned into dirt at the point where the back stairwell would have been. They could have just marked the road with a sign that said Queen Titania this way because where the mountains had been all cragged and dark, this area was deep forests almost to the point of jungle and pockets of bright light shining through clouds in a way that would make you think there were dozens of suns all over the sky.


    The path weaved downward in a long and easy slope toward the deep forest. The cliff extended along the path and bare earth was streaked with crimson, as if bloody rivulets.


    "You''ve got to be kidding me." I said. "Is this supposed to be subtle?"


    The forest itself was just massive and unending. It seemed to stretch past the horizon that way. In between the bands of light, streaks of yellow, green, and blue twirled and writhed. Light filtered over the mixed leaves, dappling different shades of green and dark greenish blue.


    Just where the path met the wood was a roadside shrine and I could tell it was vaguely the shape of a woman made from twisting wood. Wood that looked blackened and smoked a little.


    "That way is death." The Hangman said ominously.


    "We seem to have two paths."


    The little man snorted. "Two paths. Two paths. You bested me and I promised to send you true to your fellows so I will tell you where the other path lies. Unless you want to join with my Master?" He flourished at the stone head with the crown.


    "There are only two obvious paths."


    "No, there is another." He did not point, but looked straight ahead - across ravine in front of the doorway.


    "It''s at least a four-story drop."


    "Release me and I''ll show you."


    I stepped toward the edge, not ready to release him just yet. We would. Just I had no idea what he''d do if we did release him. I looked across at the cliff''s edge. It didn''t seem like there was a path down.


    The little man smiled a creepy little smile and motioned to the cage doors.


    "Okay. Let''s let him go." I said and Suze complied as she unlocked the cages and he jumped out as soon as it opened.


    "This way!" He said, running to the edge of the cliff and stopped. He turned to look at me pointedly, then did a strange dancey side step closer to the bridge to the mountain path.


    I moved up to where he had stood and didn''t really see anything that denoted a trail. Maybe that was the point. Maybe there was an invisible one. "Is this an Indiana Jones thing that we step out and it''s solid underneath? Is this a Leap of Faith thing? Okay!"


    Before I could step off the edge, Suze grabbed me. "Stop! There''s a trail." She pointed down just a bit to the left and indeed there was signs of little trail that clung to the edge of the cliff-face. It was camouflaged a bit from view until she pointed it out.


    The little man laughed and he ran off, scurrying across the bridge with uncanny speed and then he raced up the mountain trail.

 Chapter 17: Thirsty, But Not That Thirsty

    "If I ever see that little man again, I''ll kill him," Suze promised.


    "Yeah, he''s not on my list of favourite people." I said in agreement.


    We both stepped away from the edge of the cliff. I turned to check on Geraldine and caught her locking her door with her key and then she looted the keychain. She bent down and looted the "Welcome to my nest" mat that had been in front of her door.


    "You''re getting the hang of that." I said with admiration.


    "I don''t want any of those little devils to get their hands on my things." She came up to me and then reached behind to coo at her cats. "Well dears, we''re going on an adventure." The way she said it gave the hint that she was pretending to be excited. She removed the cat backpack from her own back and gave it to Suze.


    I could hear the trepidation in her words. I felt that deep in my bones. I mustered up a bit of pep inside and said as cheerfully as I could, "It''s going to be a big adventure." I spread my arms out wide and showed off the vista ahead of us.


    Straight ahead was a mixture of foothills and flatlands that made me think of prairie. Far off in the distance was a glimmer of a large watermass. Maybe that was the Loch Mol that the Hangman had mentioned.


    The wildlife that I could see were some swallows that darted along the ravine, heading toward the thick woods along Titania''s path. They chirped and called out as if beckoning us. Swooping down from somewhere up in the sky a bird of prey dove at the swallows so they scattered.


    Suze had already started climbing down the path. It went down a cut in the ravine and was a small, winding track that wove back and forth. I''d been hiking before and tried to do the Grouse Grind, but this was primitive in comparison of that.


    I let Geraldine go in front of me to set the pace. She took small and secure steps as if she was used to this kind of thing. In the end she was better at it than I was. I had to take several sitting breaks to deal with the waves of vertigo while Geraldine happily talked about her hiking club back home.


    A few times I skidded, almost sliding down into her. I roughed up my hands on the rocks bad enough that they bled. So I healed myself. No improvements popped up.


    It took longer than I expected to get us down to the river below. Then we followed a rocky path along its edge all the way to the beaver dam. It took over an hour and I felt hot and sweaty by the time we got there. The river poured out here from spots in the dam, but it wasn''t so loud that we were unable to talk.


    I was thirsty. Really so thirsty. I hadn''t had anything to drink since we left Geraldine''s apartment and I''m one of those people who drink a full litre bottle of water in a raid session. I belonged to our HydroHomies group in the guild.


    When I bent down to get water from the river, Suze grabbed me to haul me back up.


    "We don''t know if it''s poison."


    "I''m thirsty." I said and tried hard not to make it sound like I was whining. But I was hot and sweaty and the cats at my back moved around so it felt unbalanced when walking on slightly slimy river rocks. Overall it had been a horrible hike and I felt like I couldn''t complain because Geraldine was taking it so well and seemed perfectly fine.


    I''m an indoor only kind of person. I did my running the way that humanity had improved it -- on a treadmill.


    It was hot. The rising sun was beginning to get warm and I was already hot from the exertion. I needed water.


    "I''m thirsty." I said again. This time, I said it with finality. Like I made my decision to drink the river water.


    Suze smirked. "You could always drink the toilet water. We know that''s okay to drink."


    I gagged. "No."


    "The bowl is clean." She even dropped the toilet right there in front of us. Geraldine lifted the seat and made a cooing sound like she was impressed about it.


    "I''m thirsty, but not that thirsty."This narrative has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. If you see it on Amazon, please report it.


    "Beggars can''t be choosers!" Geraldine dipped a hand into the toilet water and then tentatively sniffed. "Well, bottoms up!"


    I turned away. I couldn''t look.


    "There''s a line. I draw it at toilet water. I''ll try the river." I bent down and put my hands in the water. It felt coldish, but not overly chilled. No pop-ups happened or warnings or any screens. That had to be a good sign.


    "Beaver fever," Geraldine said ominously.


    "What?"


    "Beaver fever. From the beaver poop. There is a dam."


    I looked at the massive dam just a little ways away, then back at the water. "No. It can''t be that bad. Can it?"


    "Those that walk in the rain, get wet." Suze said h.


    "Well yeah. But this is water. We''re going to need to drink and I will not drink out of a toilet."


    "Tasted fine to me." Geraldine said.


    I paused for a moment and looked between the toilet and then the river. Then back again. Could I really drink from a toilet bowl? No. No. I could not. "River it is." I bent toward it and cupped my hands.


    Suze and Geraldine laughed and then something bonked me on the head. A bottle of water careened off and splashed into the river. I grabbed it before it could float away.


    I looked at it. Pure, sparkling mountain water. Then I whirled on them, about to give them a tongue lashing only I ended up pointing the bottle of water toward a spot behind them.


    "Giant beavers!"


    Suze whirled around first and then Geraldine.


    Standing on the dam were two giant beavers. I assumed they were giant -- not like I had ever seen a beaver in person before. They stood upright on their back paws. Both held spears in their front paws. One had a helmet on its head. The other wore a kind of leather jacket.


    "This game really likes giant things." I said outloud without really thinking about it.


    "Beaver dammit." Geraldine said and then she started laughing. Her laughter caught the attention of the beavers who both stood at alert and held their spears menacingly.


    In response to their response, Suze pulled the bullwhip up and looked about ready to pounce.


    "Wait! Wait!" I yelled to stop her from jumping right in. "We might be able to talk to them. We don''t always have to attack everything. They might have quests."


    "Beavers having quests." From her tone, I could tell that Suze thought that was stupid.


    "You never know. I''ll go up and talk to them. Here, Geraldine." I removed the backpack from my back and put it down in front of her. "You stay here with the kitties and Suze if I give you the signal, you''ll run and save me." I strode toward the beaver dam.


    "What''s the signal?" Suze also removed her kitty backpack as I passed her.


    I turned about, still moving forward. As I walked backward, I said, "I''ll do the Gangnam Style pony." I made the knuckle movements with my hands and wrists, but just small enough to keep it contained and the beavers wouldn''t be able to see.


    "You''re so thirsty." Suze smirked at me.


    "What are you talking about? -- You know what? I''ll ask you to explain it later."


    I turned about and walked toward the beavers with my hands raised, palms out. "Hi there! Hi! My name is Kaylee." I felt kinda stupid saying it, but I had to add, "We come in peace."


    I had no idea if they could understand me or even if they spoke a language, but I assumed that if this was some kind of fairy land then it''s possible that animals spoke. Like Narnia or -- my mind drew a blank thinking of any other fantasy fairy worlds.


    As I approached, the name tags appeared above the two of them. Their name tags over their heads said Guiltless Giant Beaver and Dirty Giant Beaver. Neither of them had a symbol by their name so maybe that was a good sign. Since the mountain symbol folk were followers of Oberon, I assumed that Titania''s followers would also have a symbol. They weren''t named PCs like The Hangman and that could be also be a bad thing since maybe they were meant to just be random mobs. I hoped not.


    "Back! Back!" Dirty Giant Beaver said and his masculine sounding voice had an accent that I couldn''t quite place. I kept my distance anyway. With an adjective like ''dirty'' in his name, I didn''t want to get too close. He was the one with the leather jacket. "Funneler!" He spit which was kinda funny looking when he tried to get around those giant beaver teeth.


    He then slapped his tail on the water with a deafening smack.


    I took a breath and put on my best I''m on camera right now face and cheerfully said, "I promise we are just wanting to cross the dam to the other side and that''s it."


    Dirty Giant Beaver waved his spear and then spoke. "We''re not letting any of you near the bridge. Not again. Your promises are dogshit." I placed his accent. It reminded me of K-pop bands speaking English. Like he was from South Korea. That seemed bizarrely on the nose with the Gangnam Style hand movements.


    "Is there anything I can offer you?"


    "Get bent, Funneler." Get Bent? Interesting choice of words for dismissal. He growled to the other one. "This is why the frogs were right to join Titania. You know. They said that she''d make us great again by protecting us from these Funnelers."


    The other spoke then with a similar accent, but they sounded more feminine. "Timber. It''s just a few Funnelers. What can they do to us?"


    "What can they do to us? What can they do to us?" He said incredulously. "They killed Buzzsaw yesterday."


    "But that was a pack of those feral ones. These ones seem nice." Guiltless Giant Beaver smiled at me toothily. "I''m Alice." The Guiltless Giant Beaver tag changed to say Alice - Tier 0 Giant Beaver.


    "Alice in Wonderland!" I said outloud and slapped myself on the forehead gently. "Of course." Happy to remember another fantasy world where animals spoke.


    The slap to my forehead cause massive concern in the other who no longer was called Dirty Giant Beaver, but was called Timber - Tier 0 Giant Beaver Elite ??. He had a strange wooden tree suddenly appended to his name and I had a foreboding feeling.


    I frantically made the Gangnam Style pony knuckle movements behind my back. It was really more complicated than I thought it would be.


    COMBAT INITIATED.

 Chapter 18: Dam It

    Timber, the dirty beaver, ambled hastily toward me. I could not flee fast enough as he lunged at me with the spear. What surprised me was that Alice''s furry foot stuck out and smashed down on Timber''s tail. He jolted to a stop and then let out a horrifying shriek of frustration. "Alice you traitor!"


    From behind me, Geraldine shouting angrily and a rock flew past, but the arc was low and it thudded into the wood of the dam and plunked down into the water.


    I had to think of something to do to either stop him or to protect myself. I had zero combat skills.


    I did the only thing I could think of. I tsked.


    Level up! Cantrip Minor Globes of Light. Somatic and verbal components required. Duration of 75 seconds at this level of the spell.


    I couldn''t even celebrate the upgrade of the spell because as soon as the lights appeared, I shot them into dirty Timber''s eyes. The balls of light weren''t actually substantial or fire, but just some kind of illusion of light, but it seemed effective enough because he closed his eyes and hissed angrily. He slashed his weapon from range. The spear tip connected with my upper right arm and I felt it slice the skin.


    My combat log filled up.


    You are hit! You have taken 1 point of piercing damage from a spear wielded by Timber - Tier 0 Giant Beaver Elite ??.


    I grabbed my arm at the slice.


    You cast Minor Healing Touch. You have healed yourself for 1 damage.


    The wound actually closed under my fingers. The smarting pain disappeared.


    We were located about halfway across the dam. I wasn''t sure how fast Suze could run and whether she''d get to me before I took more damage than just 1 point.


    I also hoped Geraldine stayed behind with the cats. Did beavers eat cats? I then thought about Matt and how he would have made some crude joke about pussies and beavers. Not the time Kaylee!


    Timber pulled his tail free, then he began to whine this unreal and ear-splitting childish keen, and I saw him spin around, whirling like a furry brown dervish, and then he stopped suddenly, his tail undulated almost as if in slow motion. It rose into the air and then slapped down against the water. A wave that looked like ripples of water, but was made of air, flew out from where his tail connected with the water.


    The noise was deafening. Literally. It was a throbbing rush of noise, I felt a pop, and sudden silence.


    You have been deafened by Timber - Tier 0 Giant Beaver Elite ??Tail Slap. Deafness debuff for 45 seconds.


    Shocked by the deafness, I barely saw as Timber got his furry feet under him and he lunged at me. His giant, yellowish square teeth flashed across my vision. He clamped down on my shoulder.


    I have never felt pain like it. I''d never broken a bone or had anything worse than the one time I cut my finger while chopping carrots. This was ten million times worse pain than that had been and I had to have about 10 stitches.


    You are critically hit! You have taken 4 points of piercing damage from Timber - Tier 0 Giant Beaver Elite ?? Teeth Chomp.


    The teeth were lodged in my shoulder and Timber reeked of animal musk, mud, wet dog, and outhouse.


    Your health is critically low.


    You will die soon.


    I screamed. I''m sure it was really loud, but I had no idea because I could not hear a thing. I hurt so much I couldn''t believe I was still able to read the combat log. The minimap angrily glowed red and showed Timber as a red dot and Alice as yellow. Suze coming from behind me was blue. Heavenly blue. Help me blue.This content has been misappropriated from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.


    Alice had come up to us both now and she shouted at Timber though I could hear nothing. Her mouth moved soundlessly, but at a speed that only could mean she shouted a blue streak at him. She seemed to be trying to pull him away.


    Whatever she shouted, he dislodged his teeth from my shoulder and his mouth moved as if he shouted something back at her. I reeled with the agony of the pain. Alice reached out, but her stubby little beaver arms missed him completely as he danced away.


    I think I must have dropped to my knees and fallen over to the ground because there were tree branches and mud in my face and everything smelled like really strong piss. A far away thought hoped that the pee smell wasn''t coming from me.


    I tried to cast my heal by moving my hand to my shoulder. It felt wet and slimy. I could feel there was a chunk of sliced skin, something fleshy and hard and touching it made the pain exponentially worse.


    Your spell is on cooldown. Please wait to cast in 20 seconds.


    I knew I was bleeding. It pooled around my fingers. The combat log didn''t show me losing any more health. It did, however, show that Suze had finally arrived to save the day. I tried desperately to turn my head to see what was happening but I also needed to move so he couldn''t hit me again. I didn''t know my maximum health. I could be almost dead.


    I re-read the ominous:


    You will die soon.


    It felt real and scary and painful and I did not feel like I was about to resurrect in some graveyard or reincarnation circle. It felt very, very final.


    I began to count to 20. The pain throbbed and blood poured out with each heartbeat, but the combat log didn''t remove any health from me. Instead it was full of the combat around me that I couldn''t directly see.


    Suze Tier 0 - High Rise Window Cleaner hits Timber - Tier 0 Giant Beaver Elite ?? for 2 damage with bullwhip.


    Timber - Tier 0 Giant Beaver Elite ?? hits Suze Tier 0 - High Rise Window Cleaner with Beavertail attack. Suze is stunned.


    Timber - Tier 0 Giant Beaver Elite ??hits Suze Tier 0 - High Rise Window Cleaner with spear for 1 piercing damage.


    Suze Tier 0 - High Rise Window Cleaner is no longer stunned.


    Suze Tier 0 - High Rise Window Cleaner attacks Timber - Tier 0 Giant Beaver Elite ?? with Bright Hair Bullwhip''s Strangle Mecate Attack. Hair entangles Timber - Tier 0 Giant Beaver Elite ??.


    Timber - Tier 0 Giant Beaver Elite ?? is restrained.


    Suze Tier 0 - High Rise Window Cleaner punches Timber - Tier 0 Giant Beaver Elite ?? for 3 bludgeoning damage.


    Alice - Tier 0 Giant Beaver pushes Timber - Tier 0 Giant Beaver Elite ?? and shoves him into the water.


    Timber - Tier 0 Giant Beaver Elite ?? is still restrained.


    Timber - Tier 0 Giant Beaver Elite ?? will drown.


    I attempted to heal myself.


    You cast Minor Healing Touch. You have healed 1 point of damage.


    Deafness debuff is removed.


    "Suze! Suze!" I cried out but it didn''t sound very loud. The pain was excruciating. I tried to move my head, but everything hurt so much that I couldn''t see beyond the screens. The whole world was blurry. I agonised as I rolled over onto my back.


    "Kaylee? Kaylee!" I felt Suze''s hands on me, trying to pull me up.


    It felt so difficult to talk. Why was my tongue so huge? I tried hard to make noise above a whisper. "Let him go. He''s going to drown. Let him go."


    "Fuck him," she said and I knew she meant it. "Heal yourself. Why aren''t you healing yourself?"


    "Cooldown." I tried to heal and got a warning about 14 seconds to go.


    Timber - Tier 0 Giant Beaver Elite ?? is still restrained.


    Timber - Tier 0 Giant Beaver Elite ??is drowning.


    "Let him go."


    "He''s a beaver. He can hold his breath." She said and boy was she pissed and worried.


    Alice the Beaver was still shouting at her friend. I caught something about not respecting the memory of Buzz, but I wasn''t quite sure what she was saying.


    I cast the heal again.


    You cast Minor Healing Touch. You have healed 1 point of damage.


    I felt a rush of relief like a wave of golden warmth in my body. It still hurt, but it was worlds better. "Please let him go, Suze." I looked her in her brown eyes and could see the anger and fear there. "I don''t think he can breathe with the hair restraining him."


    "We''re going to have kill people Kaylee. He was going to kill you." Her voice was full of anger.


    "I scared him. He was just protecting Alice. And Alice could have attacked me, but she was trying to get him to stop. Their friend was killed by Funnelers. He just thought we would kill them too. Please let him go."


    Suze frowned but I saw that she twisted the bullwhip and the long strands of brown hair retreated from the water, pulling themselves back into the wooden weapon.


    Bright Hair Bullwhip''s Strangle Mecate Attack wanes.


    Timber - Tier 0 Giant Beaver Elite ?? is no longer restrained.


    I heard gasping and splashing as Timber surfaced.


    Timber - Tier 0 Giant Beaver Elite ?? is no longer drowning.


    "Stay in that water or I''ll castoreum your ass Timber!" Alice was shouting just a little ways away. "You''re lucky I pushed you in the water!"


    COMBAT ENDED


    I tried healing and got a warning.


    Cooldown for Minor Healing Touch has increased to 4 hours out of combat.


    I couldn''t understand the warning. That made zero sense. That massive cooldown was new and not welcome.

 Chapter 19: Beaver Exploits

    Suze looked down at me. She was pissed off, sweaty, and covered in blood. "You''re still bleeding. Why aren''t you healing yourself?"


    "I can''t. There''s a cooldown that''s 4 hours outside of combat." I felt the throb of pain and I gasped out, "I need you to help me bind my shoulder to stop the bleeding."


    "I can do that dear." Geraldine was there holding all her cat carriers in her arms. She touched Suze on the shoulder and Suze put the carriers on her back. The entire time, Suze watched the water while smashing the whip into her palm as a rhythmic warning.


    "Oof. You smell of piss, dear."


    "I don''t know if it''s me." I said, trying to say something lighthearted and then as she gently prod my shoulder I uncontrollably screamed from the sharp pain.


    "Let''s wrap it quickly. I don''t have anything antiseptic to clean it. Who knows what''s on that spear" She then, with an askance view at Alice the Beaver, added quietly, "or that Timber fellow''s mouth." She spoke normal volume when she asked, "Do you have your tetanus shots up to date?"


    I shook my head. "No." I hadn''t even thought about getting tetanus or anything like that. What if the wound went septic? What if it became gangrenous?


    "Well. Think antiseptic thoughts." A bottle of water appeared in her hand and she twisted off the cap to pour the clean water over my wound. I was about to protest since it was drinking water, but as the blood cleared I could see that the wound was still open and bleeding. She poured out most of the bottle on the wound except for about a sliver at the bottom. She gave the bottle to me. "Drink the remainder." I did as I was told then I looted the empty bottle. The clean water was so satisfying.


    Geraldine then pulled something out of her inventory that looked like tea towels. She applied gentle pressure on the wound and then wound the tea towels around my shoulder over and over and then tucked the remaining end in. "I''m no nurse, but I know that tv shows have you apply pressure so hold onto that wound." Wow, did it hurt when anything touched the wound. I held onto it, adding some pressure.


    Alice the giant beaver still yelled down at the water, "I told you that these humans were no danger, but no you didn''t listen to me! I''m only your wife."


    "They threatened you!" Timber yelled from the sanctity of the water below.


    "With what? Her little human hand to her forehead? You''re lucky that other one didn''t kill you. You would have deserved it. Now stay in there and soak your hot head." She slapped her tail on the dam as if to punctuate her point. Then she ambled over to us.


    "I''m so sorry about my husband." She had a big furry face with giant teeth, sharp teeth that probably could chomp me like Timber had done, but her large eyes were imploring. "He''s been listening to that Titania propaganda from the frogs ever since the Funnelers killed his cousin Buzzsaw."


    I gritted my teeth. Wow, wounds are painful. Though, I was somehow able to ask her, "How long ago was that?"


    The big brown beaver looked at me with obvious sadness in her eyes. "A day ago. He was a dumbass Buzz, but he didn''t deserve how he went."


    "I''m sorry to hear that," I said.


    Geraldine tutted. "These girls are protecting me, but so far haven''t killed a thing."


    That wasn''t exactly true, but I don''t remember if we told her about the spiders. It wasn''t an appropriate time to correct her though. Not in front of what must be a game mob. I groaned as the pain lanced through me.


    Alice''s sweet giant beaver face turned into concern. "Are you going to be okay? You look not great."


    I felt fuzzy in the head. The pain was all I could think about. Except one little thing nagged at me. I love exploits. I was not above using them before they were inevitably patched out of a game.


    The 4-hour cooldown for my heal was out of combat. It was new and punitive.


    I needed to test something.


    "Can I ask you for something bizarre?"


    Alice balked, "Is it sexual?"


    Suze laughed out loud. She muttered, "Tier 0 - ASMR Content Creator," under her breath.


    "No. It''s... can you hit me?"


    "Oh, so it is sexual." Alice shook her head. "I''m not into humans and I''m very loyal to my moron of a husband."


    "No no. I need to be in combat. I want to test out a heal spell. You don''t have to hit me hard. Just... I don''t know if intent to attack will start it?" I groaned again as a pain throbbed through me. "I need to heal. Please. Hit my wound?"


    Alice quirked her head in confusion then she tentatively reached out and with a claw she pressed on my wound covering.


    COMBAT INITIATED


    I cast the spell.


    Level up! Minor Healing Touch. Somatic and verbal components required. Distance of Touch. Duration instantaneous. Repairs 1 hit point at this level of the spell. Cooldown 20 seconds in combat. 3 hours out of combat.


    I cheered and Suze cheered as well. "You healed in my combat log!"


    "Yeah. It''s only got the ridiculous cooldown out of combat. So, uhm. Alice can you please do that again?"


    It was like I had requested her to do something perverse. I had to explain myself. "It''s not a sexual thing. I can actual cast my healing spell on myself in combat. It''s only 1 point of health per 20 seconds though and I think I have lost 4 points of health."


    You have cast Minor Healing Touch. You heal 1 hit point.If you spot this story on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.


    I began slowly counting to 20 with my fingers for when I could do the next heal.


    "You humans speak in such strange tongues."


    "You''re telling me." Geraldine agreed with Alice the Beaver. "They talk and I have no idea what they''re even saying. I never thought that I''d have to relearn it all in my 70s."


    "It''s Funneler language." Alice added with a touch of concern. "Are you not able to understand them either?"


    Before they could commiserate more, I noticed a slowing in the red blinking of my minimap. "Uhh. I hate to be a bother, but could you please just push my wound again? It''s still bleeding out and it looks like we might go out of combat."


    I hadn''t lost any more hit points, but the wound hadn''t closed. I don''t really know what that meant, but I definitely wanted to heal at least until the skin closed over. The possibility of gangrene and sepsis would have to wait until I learned a spell that could fix that.


    "Oh!" Alice pressed the wound again. It still hurt, though less than before.


    You have cast Minor Healing Touch. You heal 1 hit point.


    This time, the wound closed up. I could feel a shiver of rightness and wholeness race through my body. "Thanks." I started counting on my fingers again.


    Suze stood guard while the other two ladies -- one human and one giant beaver, cooed over Geraldine''s cats from their carriers attached to Suze''s back.


    The minimap still blinked red long enough to get another heal off. This time any pain just dissolved and I felt as good as I typically do. I pulled off the bloody tea towel and the skin was marked by two thin scars about where the beaver teeth had broken through during the attack. It had left a mark. I ran my fingers over the raised thin bumps. They felt really real.


    COMBAT ENDED.


    Though my body was okay, the fact the attack left two little obvious scars, bothered me. I looked at the place on my arm where the spear had sliced, but there was no sign it had done so. The difference between the attacks were that one was a crit and the other wasn''t. The crit attack left a scar.


    I joined Suze and looked out to where she was watching Timber sit in the shallows of a whirlpool in the river. He had his arms crossed and glared at us sullenly. "Suze. I know for sure this isn''t a game. We''re here. Somehow. Like going through the wardrobe in Narnia or dropping into the rabbit hole by Alice in Wonderland. This is real." I showed her the scar on my arm.


    She didn''t look surprised, just thoughtful. "During that combat I leveled up some skill or ability which said it improved my strength. Check out these guns." Suze said. She pulled up the sleeves of her shirt and then she flexed. The muscles in her arms bulged. "It''s like I''ve been working out for months. I don''t have pains for the improvement either."


    "Girls!" Geraldine called, pulling our attention. "Alice tells me that there is a town just a half day''s walk in that direction." Geraldine motioned to a dirt road that was about wide enough for a single car to drive. "She says there''s an inn where we can wash and a market for human clothes."


    Our parting from the dam was sweeter than our arrival. Alice filled us up with some food supplies from her lodge. She said she would have offered to take us to town, but she''d just slow us up because walking on land was difficult for her. At some point, she ordered Timber to apologise to us, which he did sullenly. The tree did not disappear from his name.


    She waved at us when we left down the road and wished us well.


    "I like her. I hope we don''t have to kill her later."


    "Suze." I said, but really felt the same way so couldn''t come up with anything else to tell her off with.


    We traveled along a worn path with wagon ruts and footsteps pounded into it.


    One thing I will never underestimate again is what a half''s day walk means. It was certainly not a half day''s walk for a giant beaver unless she could walk way faster than I could. It was certainly not a half day''s walk for someone wearing fuzzy slippers and who had nearly died not that long ago.


    I had to take breaks way more often than Geraldine. I covered for it by saying I needed to water the cats. But really I was exhausted. I needed better shoes or to somehow get the same fitness buff skill that Suze had picked up. She seemed absolutely able to walk for hours as if it was barely an inconvenience.


    At least Geraldine was winded a little but after the fifth time that she lingered extra long during our breaks, I began to wonder if she was just doing it for my benefit.


    The third such break, Geraldine stood up far too early and dusted herself off. Just raring to go.


    I lay on the ground, sprawled out against the soft cool grass. The sun rose in the sky and it was beginning to get warm. Too warm. The grass was such a welcome refreshment. I could almost forget that I stunk still from earlier in the day.


    Suze poked at me with her toe. "Kaylee. Let''s go."


    "We could stop longer," Geraldine offered.


    "You two. I''m fine. I can do this. Just a short rest and we can go." I sighed, but rolled over toward the cat cages nearby. They sat shaded under a tree''s shadow. I unzipped the mesh opening of a cage and gave Lady Eleanor Pawsevelt a bit of a scratch on her head. She closed her eyes in contentment, then all a sudden her ears perked up and she turned her head. Right after, I heard a strange sound not far off. I "Wait shh. Do you hear that?" I zipped up the cage. All the cats had perked ears that swiveled. They heard something too.


    Instantly, all tiredness disappeared. I stood and pulled the Mirror of the Moon, in its mirror form, into my hand. To my left, Suze raised the bullwhip ready to battle. Geraldine ducked down toward her cats.


    The noise came from off in the brush. It was sounds of some kind of chase. Underbrush cracked and wooshed as forms ran in it, heading in our direction. I heard a thunk. A curse. Then another thunk and a bloodcurdling scream. For a moment, there was silence, then two different people shouted, laughed, and ambled about in the forest without seeming to try to be silent about it. They congratulated one another. They were coming closer. I could barely make out their shadows coalescing into forms in the forest beyond.


    Suze crouched, ready to spring the moment they broke into the edge of the clearing.


    I may not have had a combat spell, but I had my mirror and that light spell.


    Two people broke through the bushes and then froze when they saw us. Before I could fling my balls of light at them, one of the two men''s face broke into a bright smile.


    "Peres! Dude! It''s Peres!"


    The voice was unmistakeable and familiar. We weren''t exactly close, but I''d heard him time and again in the PvP raids we ran against the other faction.


    "Halliday?"


    "It is Peres! Holy shit dude. Is that Tutujoy?"


    "Tudojoia." Suze said unimpressed. She had never really liked the A Team much even though they''d wanted her to join their Arena teams and treated her pretty well.


    "Wow. You''re dang hot Tutu." The other man said and from the deep Texan drawl in the words I recognised exactly who it was.


    Suze growled, but I put a hand on her arm. I said as politely as I could muster, "Uhh. Gogo hello to you too."


    I felt so relieved and excited that yes some of our guildmates were stuck here that I didn''t really acknowledge what the two of them looked like for real and that Gogo said something pervy right out of the gate. If these two were here as well, then maybe just maybe the others were.


    I knew that Suze only put up with Gogo purely because nobody would make her PvP Lead and he was that.


    "Who''s the old lady? She a spawn?" Gogo asked. He lifted up a giant axe in a threatening manner. Suze''s arm clenched underneath my hand and I jumped forward.


    "No! No. That''s our neighbour Geraldine. She was Funneled with us." This whole interaction felt gross and tense. I needed to break up whatever was happening and calm it down. If my calming presence skill thing could be an AOE, then that would be amazing. I didn''t think it could be, but I needed to channel a bit of that chill into my voice and change the tone.


    "You have no idea how happy we are that there are others here. Do you know where the rest of the guild is?"


    "Yeah." Gogo said cheerfully as if he hadn''t leveled a slight threat at our companion. "This way."


    I looked at Suze who looked ready to murder them and then at Geraldine who looked scared and out-of-her-depth for the first time.


    "They''re okay. I promise. It''s all talk."


    Though I said it, I had this foreboding feeling that I would be very, very wrong.


    Gogo and Halliday began walking down the road we were just on and headed in the direction we had been going. Halliday chortled and said, "Oh, man. Valzh is going to shit himself." Gogo laughed.


    Matt was here. That feeling of foreboding increased tenfold.

 Chapter 20: Halliday and Gogo... Away

    The rest of the walk down the road was a lesson in why I will trust Suze''s knee-jerk reactional instincts about people. Gogo and Halliday were really unnerving. While Gogo no longer said anything perverted, he would just jump into the bushes or off the road at the movement of any kind of creature. Halliday was more than happy just to follow.


    At first we waited, but we didn''t bother waiting for them after the sixth such disappearing act.


    Throughout the afternoon, they''d catch up to us, both laughing and joking with one another about who was the better player at the game. I ignored my combat log entirely because when I did pay attention, it made my stomach queasy. So many squirrels and rats and songbirds died in a scroll combat log of attacks.


    From the way Suze glared at Gogo and Halliday I had a feeling that if Geraldine and I weren''t so vulnerable, she would have ditched the two men long ago. It didn''t take long for my assumption to turn out correct. I received a direct message in my chatlog, probably because our group chat now included Geraldine.


    Direct Message from Suze - Tier 0 - High Rise Window Cleaner: Let''s ditch these morons.


    Direct Message to Suze - Tier 0 - High Rise Window Cleaner: I like Halliday. He''s not a bad guy. Gogo is a pain in the butt, but we''ll be with the guild soon.


    She sighed in annoyance, but said nothing more. I knew her concern wasn''t over because she held her bullwhip constantly, not bothering to put it back in her inventory. We walked in silence for a bit, listening to the sounds of the forest.


    "Peres! Wait up!" I stopped and turned to see that Halliday stumbled out of the brush covered in blood splatters. He held two daggers that were just coated in dripping blood for a second, but once he started running, they disappeared as he likely shot them back into his inventory.


    I noticed that Gogo was not with him. It might be my chance to talk to him without the other man.


    Halliday jogged up to me and it gave me a moment to really look at him. He had short curly hair with shaved sides and a rather friendly-looking, but generic face that just made me think that he came from some US state like Idaho or Utah. His arms were covered in fairly cool nerdy tattoos of swords and gaming dice. For clothes he was wearing jeans and a tshirt with black sneakers as if it hadn''t been like 6am where he was from and he was ported here after a whole night of gaming.


    "Kaylee?" Suze asked with a hint of warning.


    I just waved my arm at her. "We''ll catch up. I''m fine."


    He caught up to me and I gave him a few moments to breathe. He seemed so elated and so alive. I was tempted to touch him to see if his name and profession would show up for me, but I was already so weirded out by our first interaction that I had to ask him the thing that had bothered me for the last little while.


    "Uh, Halliday. How did you know it was me when we met?"


    "I used to watch your streams."


    "Right. With Valzh."


    "No. Uh. Your streams you''ve been doing with the Night Team. You guys are progressing real good." His cheeks reddened a little to match the splatters of fresh blood on his face. I took an intake of breath, as the revelation that Halliday watched me stream was kinda unnerving and confusing. I barely talked to him in guild. The tangent nearly distracted me from what I wanted to know.If you encounter this narrative on Amazon, note that it''s taken without the author''s consent. Report it.


    I pulled back to the point of why I wanted to get him alone to talk. "So uhm." How was I supposed to approach this? I decided to just start with an easy step. "Can you call me Kaylee? It feels weird to be called Peres or Peregrine to my face."


    He looked a bit bewildered. "We''re not face to face."


    Aha. There it was. He really thought we were in a game.


    "Yes, we are face to face." I said very calmly and as sincerely as possible.


    He scoffed and laughed at me with that kind of way the B Team used to do when I had an idea for a fight strat. "I know it looks really real, but it''s just a game. Gogo and me -- we''re grinding. Getting that XP! I looted a class already. One of the first in the guild. We''re on a kill quest even. It tracks the number of dead rodents in my UI."


    "R-right." I tried to get out and needed really terribly to be believed all of a sudden. I didn''t like the feeling that he thought I was being dense or obtuse. "When you say it that way, it''s obvious it''s a game. I mean, Suze and I had done a quest and failed it rather terribly. We''ve gotten skills. We''ve looted and killed things. But you have to believe me. I know deep down that we are really here and this isn''t some VR thing. We''re here. We''re really here."


    "I don''t-- I mean." He really seemed to be thinking it over. Just for a second. Then he said, "Nahh."


    "Look! I can prove it. See her?" I pointed at Geraldine. "Geraldine didn''t play the game and she''s here. It''d be really weird if someone programmed our neighbour from our apartment building. Not just her, but also her cats. All three of them."


    His brows furrowed a little and for a moment he seemed like he might be believing me.


    Except Gogo slapped me on the butt as he appeared nearby. "Hey!" I shouted.


    You have been hit for 0 damage from from Willie - Tier 0 - Sandwich Artist.


    Would you like to give Willie - Tier 0 - Sandwich Artist unlimited access to inventory? Yes or no?


    "No, I won''t." I said outloud. "Don''t touch my ass ever again."


    "Touchy." He pushed past me, shoving me a little to the side. "Don''t fill his head with bullshit Peres. Don''t listen to her brother. C''mon. Found a warren of rabbits to cull. You girls stay here and look pretty. Okay, sugar tits?"


    I stood there, mute and stunned unable to come up with anything to say. In game, Gogo had always been a bit of a jerk. I just laughed along with everyone else because it felt harmless. But this was on a different level. Gogo just brimmed with an energy that was dark and mean and almost comically sexist.


    Before I could save face, Gogo twirled his axe in the air as if to show off and also as a strange threat. Then he winked at me and stalked back into the bushes.


    I shuddered. Gross.


    Halliday still stood in front of me. He seemed a bit embarrassed by the display. "Hey. Sorry about that. He''s been weirder since he looted that axe awhile ago. I''ll call you Kaylee though. You can call me Rupert, but my last name is Halliday and most of my friends call me that. So."


    I smiled at Halliday. Maybe he wasn''t going to be a murdering psychopath after all. The guild might be an okay place to be. "Thanks, Halliday. Rupert. Yeah, Halliday."


    He waved as he turned and ran off after Gogo. I waved back.


    "I told you we should ditch them. I want to smash Gogo in his face."


    "Gogo''s real name is Willie. He''s a sandwich artist. He tried to access my inventory and I didn''t give it to him." In game, Gogo was an officer and had access to the guild bank. He hadn''t seemed like a loot whore, but I rarely played with him even when I was in the good graces of the B Team and still dating Valhz.


    "I would like him to Gogo away." Suze said with an evil grin.


    I couldn''t help but laugh at that.


    "Girls! Girls!" Geraldine called out. She had stopped up ahead. On her back was one of the cat carriers. I could see that inside the carrier, the cat was standing up with ears forward and alert. She was pointing off to the other side of the road from where Gogo and Halliday had ran off. "There''s something there. I Bootsie just growling away in my carrier and then in my minimap there was a big red dot. It disappeared for a moment, then reappeared closer and along the edge of the forest just there." She pointed.


    "Stay near her and protect Geraldine at all costs," Suze said to me.


    "I will, but don''t go running into the bush. If it''s coming to attack I''ll need you close enough to heal you."


    We didn''t have much time to do anything as something yellowish gold flew out of the forest impossibly fast, airborne in the direction of Geraldine. The brief moment it was airborn, the form made sense to me as a giant bright gold frog with big black spots. It was easily the same size as the beavers, which meant it was our size.


    COMBAT INITIATED.

 Chapter 21: Leap into Battle

    The yellow with black splotches, frog-like creature flew through the air and Suze reacted first. A long branch of green hair rope shot out from the whip and just missed the creature by a finger''s breadth.


    The parabolic curve of the frog''s jump seemed like something out of a wuxia movie just there were clearly no strings attached. The creature flew up, floated down in an arc and landed right on Geraldine. It flattened her to the ground. With a speed that showed as just a blur to me, it began attacking her with its spindly, sucker-toed hands and feet. At each contact, Geraldine glowed with a sickly greenish light.


    I cried out and ran to her.


    Suze let out an Amazonian wail.


    I don''t think the frog knew quite what hit them. I barely had time to see that their title was Barbarous Golden Frog - Monster - Tier 0 - Water Leaper Elite?? before I bashed them on the head with the Mirror of the Moon, that was now a silver shield. The summoning had happened so quickly that I hadn''t overtly thought about it.  Each of the hits dented the shield, but the dent popped back out before the next hit. A strange mucus substance splattered, but the shield kept it from hitting me in the face.


    Suze whipped the frog''s head again and again with the bullwhip, then she used the hair from the bullwhip to wrap around the slimy looking golden body and pull the frog being off Geraldine.


    Dropping to my knees, I pressed my hands onto Geraldine''s shoulders and healed her once. Anxious, I began counting down to heal again. Her eyes were closed and she was extremely rigid. It made me think about that moment in the bathroom where I was unable to do anything -- was that just yesterday? I gently shook her, feeling like this was a bad idea but I had no real world experience with first aid and didn''t know if doing that would wound her more. The magical healing cooldown was even more awful when I couldn''t get the points of healing into her fast enough. She was healing though. She just didn''t move and she certainly wasn''t waking.


    "Suze. Something''s wrong with her. She won''t wake up."


    I scrolled back into the combat log to see what it was that could have affected her. Then I saw the line that absolutely was the reason she wasn''t getting up.


    Barbarous Golden Frog - Monster - Tier 0 - Water Leaper Elite??poisons Geraldine - Tier 0 - Bed & Breakfast Innkeeper with [unidentified] toxin.


    Geraldine - Tier 0 - Bed & Breakfast Innkeeper is poisoned.


    Geraldine - Tier 0 - Bed & Breakfast Innkeeper is down.


    It had happened so quickly I missed the combat log and missed the ticking of Geraldine''s health after each heal. I healed her for 2 and then it ticked down for 1 health.


    I couldn''t tell if the poison had a debuff timer. Without being able to see a debuff timer, I didn''t know if this toxin was permanent or it would run out. I also didn''t know what would happen because of the toxin. I felt so helpless.


    "She''s poisoned. I don''t know how to heal poisons."


    "Hey Frog." Suze kicked at the frog. It was, surprisingly, still alive despite the pounding that Suze had just given it. "How do you cure the poison?"


    The frog opened its wide mouth and laughed. "Stupid Funnelers. She will die and you will soon and my Lady Titani--ow!" Suze smashed him with the end of the bullwhip handle.


    "I am speaking the same language. How. Do. You. Cure. It?"


    I attempted another heal and while she absorbed the magical healing, Geraldine wasn''t getting better, opening her eyes or moving. Her health ticked down in the combat log.


    I stood up so furious I could spit. "Oh, you will tell me how to heal her. So help me." I stalked over to him, the shield shrunk into the side of a dinner plate, but had a bulbous knot right in the middle of it. It fit easily over my fist. I knew exactly what to do with it. My insides churned and I swung and hit him.


    I''ve never hit anyone like this. It was the worst feeling in the world, but also I was desperate to get the answer of how to cure the poison. I smashed him with the little shield. The movement jarred up my arm and it hurt, but it felt also righteous. He would tell me. He would.


    "Tell me!"


    "By my Lady I won''t!" He shouted and struggled against the bonds of the bullwhip''s mecate rope.


    I let out a scream of frustration. In the combat log I could see that Geraldine''s health still ticked down. I didn''t want him near her and I needed to physically touch her to heal her so I gave up and ran over to heal her.


    Barely a step was taken before I heard a meaty thunk. I whirled around and gasped. A handaxe stuck out of the frog monster''s huge eyesocket and across most of its froggy face. It was in there real deep. Blood gushed out of the wound.


    Barbarous Golden Frog - Monster - Tier 0 - Water Leaper Elite?? is dead.


    Barbarous Golden Frog - Monster - Tier 0 - Water Leaper Elite?? has been defeated.


    COMBAT ENDED


    Gogo jogged over as if he''d just done something really awesome. He strutted like a proud predator that had done us a favour. "Yeah! An elite. The loot''s gonna be awesome."Unauthorized usage: this narrative is on Amazon without the author''s consent. Report any sightings.


    I began crying and again dropped to my knees when the frog no longer moved. "He''s dead!" I sobbed because I knew that without having an antidote, Gogo had essentially killed Geraldine.


    "You''re welcome," Gogo said as he bent down and looted the frog monster''s corpse.


    A pop-up window showed up over my vision. It was a box window with icons of two items -- a book and a golden ball -- and percentile dice beside them. The dice began to roll. The numbers stopped on 31 beside the book and 98 beside the golden ball.


    You have won Barbarous Golden Frog''s Golden Ball.


    The window closed on its own.


    The golden ball appeared in my shield-free hand and was surprisingly heavy. The inspection window popped open without me thinking about it.


    Barbarous Golden Frog''s Golden Ball. Level 1 Item. Allows bearer to cast the Poison Splash Spell (Tier 0) and whenever the bearer heals or is healed, the healing spell gains an extra point of healing per tier level plus gains the Antidote Buff. This item levels with use.


    Gogo and Suze were shouting at one another. I didn''t care enough to pay attention. I scrambled over to Geraldine and healed holding the golden ball. The pop-up window had more words to read, but I minimized it to look at later.


    Geraldine - Tier 0 - Bed & Breakfast Innkeeper gains Antidote Buff.


    Geraldine - Tier 0 - Bed & Breakfast Innkeeper is healed for 2 points of health.


    I waited, expecting her health to drop again. It didn''t. I breathed a sigh of relief.


    "Thank goodness." I clasped my hands together in joy and looked up to tell Suze, "She''s going to live!" Only once I said the words, I closed my mouth in shock at what was going on just a little ways away.


    Suze had Gogo in some kind of headlock. They struggled and although Suze was thinner and shorter than Gogo, she seemed to have the upper hand. From his head under her armpit, he shouted, "That''s my loot! Let me go you stupid cunt!"


    Suze flipped him in this move that was straight out of a movie. She then had him pinned down in some kind of hold. It must have hurt because Gogo swore his head off with spit flying out of his mouth.


    Their fight didn''t show up in my combat log. I found that extremely odd and concerning.


    Suze held him stoutly. She seemed anchored to the earth itself as he tried to kick her and pull himself away. Her Brazilian accent was a bit strong when she ground out, "You''re lucky Geraldine lives or I would being looting your corpse."


    "Who cares if the old bag dies?"


    "We care you filho da puta."


    Alarmed at the escalation of this I wanted to diffuse the situation before somebody got seriously hurt or killed. "Woah woah! You two. She''s fine. It''s all okay." It wasn''t. I knew it wasn''t. I didn''t want anything to do with Gogo, but I also didn''t want to fight him. He had way more gear than we did, even though he didn''t have a class. Suze did have him in a hold, but if Halliday returned, I had no idea what would happen.


    "Let me go." He struggled and seemed to get a bit of leverage, but then Suze did something and he was back to ineffectively struggling against her.


    "I''ll let you go on two conditions. First you will apologise for your mouth. Second you will apologise to Geraldine for being a fucking asshole."


    "Fuck you Tutu. You''ve always been a stuck up bitch." He was struggling, but I couldn''t believe how strong Suze looked just holding him in one spot, but at some point she might lose control of him. "The old lady''s just going to resurrect anyway."


    I gasped out, "No, Gogo. When Funnelers die, they die."


    "What the fuck is a funneler?"


    "We are." I felt this conversation was going nowhere. "If any of us dies we won''t come back."


    "Stop saying that shit. Things respawn in this game. I''ve seen it. Halliday and I have been up and down this road tons of times and we fight the same damn things."


    "Have you died?" I asked just as he and Suze began struggling again and this time he actually seemed to almost get out of the submission hold, but she did something else and he growled in annoyance as he was back to being unable to move.


    "If Tutu lets me go, then I''ll kill her and you can see her come right back."


    I heard the crack and then he just screamed.


    "Suze! What did you do?"


    She sounded pleased with herself. "He pulled a knife from his inventory. He didn''t need his wrist to work properly. Thank you for the knife dickhead."


    Holy crap. I had no clue where Suze had learned this fighting stuff. It was way out of control.


    "You have got to stop! Both of you. We''re in the same guild!" For some reason, saying that out loud seemed strangely hollow. I''d said those exact things during Discord fights and guild blow-ups, and somehow felt truly that I was helping the situation. But at this moment, I felt the words were empty of meaning. I didn''t like that empty feeling. It allowed something dark and scared to crawl into the hole it created in my thoughts that had not been as present since we arrived in this game or dungeon or whatever it was. I had to push it down.


    It was then that Halliday returned. He came not from the bush, where he''d jumped to fight whatever it was they were killing. Instead, he came from around the bend in the road in the direction we had been headed. He beamed at me, seemingly unaware of the fight between Gogo and Suze nor even phased by the body of the giant frog creature which was leaking out in a dead slump by the side of the road where Suze had dragged him.


    Cheerfully Halliday said, "Hey guys! You''ll never guess who I met around the bend."


    When I saw the first person to come around the bend, my heart suddenly soared with hope. Although I''d never met him in real life, I had seen photos of him from pictures he''d posted to our discord. He wore patchwork armour -- of course he would already have some pieces -- that covered his chest, one shoulder, and his thighs and held a really basic looking mace in one hand. After he took in the struggle bus that was the fight between Suze and Gogo, I saw him smirk in amusement. Then his dark eyes met mine. He smiled. He smiled and it felt like maybe, just maybe we were all going to survive this thing.


    "I see you three are pvping already," he said in his deep rumble.


    "Kitch." I said while trying to muster up the usual playful chiding tone I had when I spoke with him on comms, but I could tell I sounded a bit too desperate. I cringed at myself, but then let him know exactly what I felt. "I am so glad to see you."


    He seemed about to say something, but a very familiar voice called out from behind him. "''Sup Peres!"


    "Chocoboss!"


    A young guy who was insanely tall and lanky raced over and picked me up to swing me around. I couldn''t help it, but I laughed. He put me down and patted me on the head. "You''re so short in real life."


    "Peres! Tutu!" With Chocoboss came a bunch of people and I vaguely recalled their visages from the many posts in the guild discord. All of the Late Night Crew that had been raiding with us were there, including some people I didn''t recognise which I remembered from photos of families and roommates. Nobody seemed to even mention that Suze had Gogo in yet another hold. She seemed almost to be showing off that no matter what he tried, she could just adjust and he''d be stuck again.


    "Is this all of you?" I asked them, but was really asking Kitch.


    A weird wave of disappointment crashed over me as two more people finally made their appearance from the back of the group.


    One was Matt who saw me and broke into this strangely delighted grin as if I was a solution to some problem he''d been having. The other person next to him was his girlfriend and she looked really, really angry.