《Dave vs The Devil - [Urban Fantasy/Comedy]》


 Chapter 1: The Bet

    I''m dead. As a doornail. My body sits on my couch right now with a blank look on its face that says, "Hi! Nice to meet you! My name is Dave and I''m dead as fuck." How did I come to be dead, you ask? Well, I''ll tell you. It all started on a rainy Sunday afternoon. I was sitting on the very same couch that I was currently sitting on, or my body was sitting on. It was Halloween, so a ton of horror movies were on TV. I loved horror movies. I was watching a movie called "The Devil''s Hand." It was about a guy who made a bet with the devil.


    Spoiler alert, he doesn''t win. The movie makes it seem like he won at first, but then reveals it was all a trick by the devil to give him a false sense of victory, before ripping it away from him.


    "Bah! That''s so dumb! I could do that!" I said casually, as one does. I got a call from an unknown number on my phone. Normally I don''t answer, but I got the call after I said a dumb horror movie line, so some part of me wondered if it was the devil calling me out on what I said.


    I picked up the phone. Before the person on the other line could say anything, I said, "Is this the devil?" I''ll let you know I was a little drunk at the time, so I wasn''t exactly operating at full capacity.


    The person on the other end didn''t say anything for a while, until, "You sucked all the fun out of it! I was going to say, ''Oh yeah? Prove it,'' but you already guessed it was me you jackass. Yes, this is the devil! Now, do you want to make that bet or not?"


    "Uh, sure I guess. What should it be about though?" I said thinking.


    "I have a suggestion!" The devil said.


    "Wait, no, you shut up. You''re the devil. If you choose the bet I''ll lose automatically. Give me a second to think," I said.


    "Wow. No one''s ever told me to shut up before. It feels¡­bad," he said.


    "Sorry, I just really don''t want to lose this bet," I said.


    "I get it, but geez. Ouch," he said.


    "Oh, I got it! What about a ''you can''t kill me'' bet?" I said.


    "That sounds fun but too easy. I could snap my fingers right now and kill you. Make it harder," he said.


    I thought and I thought and I thought. How could I make a bet where I outsmart the devil? That was the only way to win. With a trick. I thought for a while longer, and then I had it.


    "Hey, guy. You still there?" The devil said.


    "Ok. What if the bet was you can''t kill me at 7 pm tomorrow night? 7 pm in my time zone. You can''t say it''s 7 pm in China and kill me then. Wouldn''t count," I said.


    "Hmm. Interesting. It sounds like you have some sort of trick up your sleeve. I like it. I guarantee you there''s nothing you can do to beat me, but you''re welcome to try," he said.


    "Ok. Before we start I have some questions and a request," I said.


    "I''m not guaranteeing I''ll answer or grant your request, but if I do, I''ll tell you and I''ll tell you honestly. There''s nothing I hate more than lying. Tricking people with honesty I''m all for, but pure lying defeats the purpose of the game. It''s cheating. Plain and simple. And I do not abide cheating," he said. "If you lie to me, you will immediately forfeit the integrity of the bet, and receive no reward."


    "Good to know. Ok, do you have the ability to read minds?" I said.


    "Yes," he said.


    "Will you agree not to read my mind for the entire duration of the bet, including the time that I used to come up with the idea for the bet?" I said.


    "I can''t turn back time and unread your mind if I did, but I assure you I haven''t read your mind and I will not for the entirety of the bet. I consider mind-reading cheating as well. You''re not outsmarting someone if you just peek into their mind to find out what they''re thinking. My father did that shit to me all the time and I hated it," he said.


    "He would read our minds, me and the other angels, and punish and shame us for our thoughts. It was actually worse than that. Instead of reading our thoughts privately, he broadcasted them in our voices to everyone in heaven. Only the shameful thoughts though."


    "That''s actually how I got banished to hell. All I did was briefly think I could do his job better and the next thing I knew, my wings had burned up as I fell from heaven down to hell. Hell used to be a place where we just threw irredeemable people. He decided I should punish those people for eternity, because I thought, ''Why doesn''t he punish the wicked? Surely, that would change their behavior.''"


    "I learned my mistake after the first year, but because I thought it once, he sentenced me to do it for eternity, to throw the mistake in my face every day until the end of time. So that''s why I don''t read minds very often. Not unless it''s really important."


    "Wow, that sucks, and fair enough. Can you bring people back to life? For instance, if I were to die before 7 pm, could you bring me back, just to kill me again so you could win?" I said.Unauthorized usage: this tale is on Amazon without the author''s consent. Report any sightings.


    "No, I can''t do that. Only my father can do that," he said.


    "Ok, cool. Also, I''d like to request my reward for winning," I said. "I assume your reward for winning is my soul."


    "Naturally," he said. "Ok, what reward do you want? Lay it on me."


    "I want 3 wishes," I said.


    "I can''t do 3. I can do one though," he said.


    "Ok, I want 1 wish, but if you don''t fulfill it exactly as I intended it, I get another wish. And you don''t get to read my mind to find out what I meant," I said. "You have to interpret what I meant. I will never lie about what I want though."


    "Hmm. Very tricky. I love it! Done and done. Now all you have to do is make the bet," he said.


    "Ok, I bet you can''t kill me at exactly 7 pm tomorrow night in the time zone I''m in at the time," I said.


    "Awesome! See you soon!" He hung up.


    "See you soon?" I said.


    The devil appeared in front of me. Or at least I assumed he was the devil, because he was the last person I talked to and he said he''d see me soon. He looked like a normal human man. An impeccably well-dressed human man, but a human man nonetheless. He was a tall handsome fair-skinned man with wavy black hair, wearing a black suit, white shirt, and a black bow tie with gold dollar signs on it. I didn''t love the bow tie, but who was I to judge the man''s taste in ties? Tie choice is a very personal thing.


    "Hey, friend!" He said, putting his hand out to shake. "I go by my official title ''The Devil'' down below, but you can call me Lucifer or Lucy, but I prefer Lucifer."


    I shook his hand hesitantly. "Surprisingly, I can say it''s nice to meet you Lucifer. This is by far the most interesting social encounter I''ve ever had. I''d say it was worth making the bet, just for this. My name is Dave."


    "It''s nice to meet you, Dave," he said with a wide grin. "So what''s on the agenda for tonight?"


    "Honestly? I was just going to watch another movie, and then try to get a good night''s rest." I said.


    Suddenly, an alarm went off on my phone. I turned it off and immediately walked to the bathroom and opened the medicine cabinet.


    "What was that?" Lucifer said.


    "My alarm to take my heart medication. I have to take it at 7 pm every night. Otherwise, I could get a blood clot and die. I have a congenital heart defect," I said.


    "Oh, I''m sorry man. Why don''t you just stop taking it though? If you died, then you''d win the bet," he said.


    "I already thought of that," I said. "I figure you could probably make the blood clot go away as soon as I start showing signs. That and I hear it''s an incredibly unpleasant way to go."


    "You''re right. I could disappear the blood clot," he said.


    "Couldn''t you just heal my heart defect?" I said.


    "I could but it takes a lot of juice and I''m not a charity worker," he said.


    "Fair, I guess," I said. I took my medicine and then walked into the kitchen. "I need to start getting dinner ready. Just watch TV while you wait."


    "Fine by me," he said. He grabbed the remote and turned on another horror movie. It was called "Deal With the Devil." Super original, right? This one was also about a deal with the devil rather than a bet.


    I got stuff out of the fridge and pulled out a cutting board and a big knife. I put my hand down on the cutting board and slammed the knife onto my wrist, cutting my hand clean off. I stifled any noises my mouth wanted to make from the pain.


    "What was that?" Lucifer said without looking around. "It sounded like you hit that cutting board as hard as you could. What are you doing? Chopping off chicken heads?"


    "No! Nothing like that. Just cutting my hand off," I said. Normally, I would have lied in this situation, but Lucifer had specifically stated I couldn''t lie or the bet was forfeit.


    "Oh, is that all?" Lucifer said. "Wait, what? Dave, what are you thinking?" He got up off the couch and began to run over.


    My sight started to get blurry and dark. I could feel myself passing out. Eventually, my legs gave out from under me and I fell to the floor. The last thing I saw before everything went black was Lucifer rushing over to me, saying, "Dave! Dave, are you alright? Well, obviously not. You''re missing a hand!" Then, lights out.


    <hr>


    A detective walked into my room. You could tell he was a detective because he wore a long trench coat and a fedora, like in some old noir film. Maybe he watched too many movies. He noted the keys in the bowl by the door and the damaged "Bless This Mess" sign hanging against the wall. The "This" and the two s''s at the end of "Mess" had been scratched off so it just read "Bless Me."


    There was one set of keys in the bowl. There was a kitchenette, a living room complete with a couch, and a bed against the wall. It was a one-room apartment, also known as a studio apartment.


    It wasn''t that bad, considering. It was rather spacious. It was larger than any studio apartment I had seen before. The only thing that really qualified it as a studio apartment was the fact that everything was in one room. I didn''t like that he was seeing it under these circumstances.


    The sight of blood in my kitchen caught his eye. He walked over to take a closer look. There were some peculiar items there that had stumped everyone who had come before him. There was a bloody knife on a cutting board next to a severed hand. There was also a wine corker with an eye attached to the corkscrew. He held the corkscrew up to the light. Nothing was particularly strange about these items alone. It was my body that stumped everyone.


    He walked into the living room and looked at my body sitting on an old red couch. I was a young man in my early twenties. I had blonde hair, blue eyes, and a winning smile if I say so myself.


    I was dead. That said, being dead wasn''t too bad. I could float around and watch people enter my apartment. I could look up their nostrils. I could watch TV at first until one of the investigators turned it off. That was disappointing.


    The strange part was that my body had both of its eyes and both of its hands and no cuts or stab wounds. The crime lab had already examined the hand, the blood on the knife, and the eyeball. They all matched the DNA of the body, but the body had all its parts. The crime scene defied explanation. Well, this scene. They still weren''t sure if a crime had even been committed. They couldn''t figure out what killed me.


    I was a good man. Well, I was a man, that''s for sure. I had what experts like to call "a miserable life." I worked a dead-end job until I got fired. I lived with my girlfriend in a studio apartment, going about a daily routine until one day she didn''t want to be around anymore and she left. I had the same four friends that I drank with at the bar every Friday night until they got sober and left me alone.


    I used to be a professional poker player until I let the liquor take over and ruin my career. I played all the usual secret underground poker games until no one would lend me money anymore. I had racked up too much debt. They sent a few guys around to break my fingers and toes until even they eventually gave up and left me alone too.


    But that was all before the bet, the hand-chopping, and everything else that came after that.

 Chapter 2: The Pit

    I opened my eyes and blinked. Lucifer was standing over me. "You''re alright, buddy. Come on. Let me get you up," he said. He put his left hand out and I grabbed it with my left without thinking about the fact that I had cut it off. But my left hand gripped his and he pulled me up. I looked at my left hand. It was back on my body like nothing happened. Then I looked at the cutting board. My left hand was still lying there.


    "What the hell?" I said, looking at the hand on the cutting board.


    "Oh, that? Yeah, when I regenerate people''s limbs, their removed one stays," Lucifer said.


    "Huh," I said. "I guess that makes sense. So you can regenerate limbs. What about brain injuries? Like if I were to stab myself in the brain, would you be able to prevent me from dying?"


    "Yeah, I would. Brain injuries usually aren''t instant kills like people assume they are. If your body was fully disintegrated by a bomb or something, sure. I wouldn''t be able to bring you back from that, but a simple brain injury is no problem for me," he said.


    I grabbed a bottle of wine off the rack in my kitchen. I needed a drink. I uncorked the bottle, pulled the cork off the corkscrew, and threw it in the trash, laying the corkscrew on the counter.


    "Are you sure?" I said, drinking straight from the bottle.


    "Do you want to test it?" He said.


    "Let me get drunk first, and then we can test it," I said.


    "How long is that going to take?" Lucifer said.


    "About a minute," I said, chugging the wine until only half the bottle was left.


    "Won''t that interfere with your heart medication?" He said.


    "Probably, but it hasn''t yet," I said.


    "Ok. Are you ready yet?" Lucifer said picking up the corkscrew.


    "I''ll never be ready to be stabbed in the brain, but I''m as ready as I''ll ever be," I said.


    "Ok, hold still," he said. He unfurled the metal spiral prong of the corkscrew and placed it in his hand so the prong stuck out of his fist. He grabbed me by the head and pulled his arm back.


    "Where are you putting that?" I said a little alarmed.


    "In through your eye. Where else would I put it?" He said.


    "Why not go in through the temple?" I said.


    "It''s not as easy as everyone thinks. There''s a lot of muscle tissue there to dig into. The eye is soft and easily perforated. Just hold still. It''ll be over and done with faster than you can say, ''Ow, ow, ow, that''s my eye.''" He said.


    He plunged the metal prong into my eye. He pushed and pushed and pulled. The pain was excruciating. When he pulled his hand back, my eye and a bit of spongy tissue were attached to the prong.


    "Is that?" I said, on the edge of passing out.


    "Brain tissue? Yeah," he said. "Let me heal you." He waved his hand in front of my face and my vision came back in my right eye. I didn''t feel like I was passing out anymore. "All better."


    The devil held my eye up to my eye and said, "Now, do you see? Even pierced brain tissue can''t kill you before I can heal you."


    "I see," I said. "That really hurt."


    "You made the bet. Now live with it," he said. He put the corkscrew down on the counter.


    I thought about what he just did. He saved my life. Twice. Wait. This meant he would save my life every time. No matter what happened or what I did. Maybe I couldn''t win the bet, but I could use this. I put my shoes on and grabbed my coat, my wallet, my keys, and a knife from the kitchen. I stuffed the knife in my jacket pocket.


    "Where are we going?" Lucifer said.


    "The Pit," I said.


    We walked down several blocks in the snow and came to an alley. I walked down the alley to where there was a burly man with a long beard standing by a door with a red carpet rolled out in front of the door. The man looked me and the devil up and down and said, "State your business."


    "I want to go inside," I said with a smile on my face.


    "You don''t belong here. Get lost," he said.


    "What if I have the password? Does it matter what I look like then?" I said.


    "No, but you don''t have the password," he said.


    "No, I don''t, but you''re going to give it to me," I said pulling the knife out of my jacket.Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon.


    "Really?" The bouncer said. He pulled out a knife of his own that he flicked open.


    "Yes, really," I said. "Give me the password or this is going to get ugly."


    "For you, it will," he said.


    I slowly approached him with the knife at my side. When I got within a few feet, he lunged forward and stabbed me in the stomach. It hurt. A lot. But I was still alive. I dropped the knife and punched him in the face. He laughed and stabbed me again. I stuck my knuckle out and punched him in the eye. His hand went up to his eye. I punch him in the throat. He got angry and stabbed me again and again until my shirt was covered in blood, but still, I stood before him.


    "Are you on something? How are you still standing?" He said.


    I lifted my shirt up to show no stab wounds. "I''m fine. See?" I said.


    "What the hell? How?" He experimentally stabbed me again and pulled his knife out. The wound sealed right in front of his eyes. "No way. You''re not human. What are you?!?!" He slashed and stabbed at me to no effect.


    I headbutted him and broke his nose. He fell backward onto his back. I grabbed him by the collar and said, "Give me the password!"


    "Over my dead body!" He said. He pulled a gun and shot me several times in the chest. The bullets knocked me back a few steps. He got up and put the gun against my forehead. "Get out of here or I''ll shoot you in the head. There''s no way you can heal from that."


    I looked at the devil. "Is he right?" I said.


    "Yeah. While I can heal many types of head injuries, bullets to the brain aren''t one of them. We should go back," he said.


    "No. Do something to prevent him from shooting me in the head or he''ll kill me and I''ll win the bet. I''m not backing down. If I can''t win this bet, I''m going to have a good time with my last 24 hours," I said gritting my teeth.


    "Fine," the devil said. He snapped his fingers. "There."


    "Good," I said. I didn''t know what he did, but I knew I wasn''t going to die anymore. This was my real goal all along. Not going into The Pit. I was still going in, but that''s not why I was here. I was here to trick the devil into making me invincible to physical harm. I grabbed the gun and held it tight against my head. "Shoot me! Or give me the password! Your choice, asshole!"


    "Ok," he said. He pulled the trigger and the gun went off. My head whipped back and I was staring at the sky. I tilted my head back down to look at the man. He looked at me in shock and horror.


    "No way," he said. "That''s not possible." He looked at the gun and then he looked at me. He lifted the gun and emptied the rest of the clip against my head.


    I reached up and peeled the flattened bullets off my forehead one by one, ominously, trying to intimidate the man in front of me. After I was done, I looked him in the eyes and said, "Give me the password, before I end you."


    "It''s ''apricot'', ok? But I still can''t let you inside," he said.


    "Then I''ll just let myself inside," I said. I stepped past him and grabbed the handle of the door. He pushed against the door. I headbutted him again and broke his nose a second time. He fell over holding his nose and crying. "Now, stay down." I opened the door and held it over for the devil. Lucifer walked past me.


    "Thanks," he said.


    "No, thank you," I said. I walked inside and closed the door behind me.


    We walked down a flight of stairs into a noisy club full of flashing lights. Everyone in there was either a skinhead or a biker and they all sported some form of Nazi clothing or tattoo. The Pit. The city''s fight club run exclusively by and for neo-Nazis. One of the most dangerous and terrible places in the city. They all stopped and stared at me and Lucifer. "Apricot," I said. Then they shook their heads and looked away.


    I walked up to the bar. "Apricot," I said.


    The bartender looked at me over his glasses and said, "I heard you the first time. What are you having?"


    "Pour me the nastiest shot you have," I said.


    "Ok. One Devil''s Donut coming up," he said.


    "Actually, make it two," I said. "One for my friend, Lucifer."


    "That''s not funny," the bartender said. His name tag said, Raphael.


    "It''s not a joke," I said. "His real name is Lucifer. His father named him that."


    Lucifer pulled out his wallet and pulled a driver''s license out of it. He showed it to Raphael, who said, "Lucifer Morningstar." He grabbed the ID from Lucifer and ran it under a black light and some sensors. "Are you sure this is real?" After he had run it through a few tests, he said, "I guess it is real. Weird. Ok, I guess I will pour a shot for Lucifer." He gave Lucifer a look he didn''t notice. Just a brief narrowing of the eyes.


    Raphael pushed up his glasses that momentarily glinted brilliantly in the low light of the bar. Then he changed the angle of his head, the brilliance went away. The light must have been reflecting off his glasses directly into my eyes. Raphael pulled out a small measuring tool and poured different liquors into it and poured them into a shaker. He shook the concoction up and poured it into three shot glasses.


    "I only asked for two," I said.


    "I know. This one''s for me," he said grabbing the third shot glass.


    "Cheers!" I said.


    "Cheers!" Lucifer said.


    "Cheers!" The bartender, Raphael, said.


    I looked at my shot. It was filled with black liquid, but inside the black liquid, was red liquid in the shape of a donut, and the shot was steaming hot. We all threw back our shots. Man did it burn. Holy shit. That was the harshest burn I''d ever felt. That really was a nasty shot. Although, I assumed a shot named after the devil''s butthole would burn.


    "Damn, that''s good!" I said.


    "Thanks. I came up with it myself," Raphael said. "I made it to commemorate someone I never thought I''d see again."


    "Huh. A friend?" I said.


    "You could say that," he said looking at me and Lucifer.


    "I''m looking to fight in the pit," I said. "How do I sign up?"


    "With me," Raphael said. He pulled out a sign-up sheet and pointed at an empty line. "Sign here. The Pit is not responsible for any death, injury, or dismemberment that may occur in the ring."


    "Is that legally enforceable?" I said signing my name.


    "Legally no, but illegally, yes. Very," he said, giving me a grim look.


    "Ok, fine," I said throwing my hands up. "Didn''t mean to offend."


    "None taken," he said pulling the sheet out of my hands. He pulled a microphone out of nowhere and spoke into it. "Will the next two fighters please make their way to the ring now? Dave, uh, Daverson, and Phil "The Fill" O''Malley." He read off the sheet.


    The pit was further into the bar. I made my way over to the pit. Lucifer grabbed my shoulder. "Are you sure you want to make enemies with these people? They''re Nazis."


    "I appreciate your concern, but if I can''t make enemies with Nazis, then who can I make enemies with?" I said.


    "That''s fair, I suppose," he said.


    I walked down into the pit on a ramp. My challenger did the same. Then the ramp was tilted up until it became another vertical wall of the pit. My challenger was well over 6 feet tall and burly and over weight. This wasn''t normally an advantage but it did mean gut shots wouldn''t do as much damage.


    Raphael walked up to the pit and said, "Now you both know the rules."


    "No. No, I don''t," I said.


    "Oh. Well, the rules are that there are no rules. Fight until the other person can''t or won''t fight anymore," he said. "Begin!" He hit a bell with a hammer to start the fight.

 Chapter 3: Apocalypse

    Phil "The Fill" O''Malley''s fist came rocketing towards my face. Instinctively I started to duck until I remembered I was invincible. Then I slammed my face into his fist. I heard bones pop, crack, and break.


    "Fuck, my fist!" Phil said.


    "I''d rather not fist fuck you unless I''m getting paid to do it," I said. "I don''t clip my nails as often as I should."


    I bent my knees then popped up and uppercutted Phil in the chin. Phil stumbled back and felt his chin. His hand came back bloody. "Ow," he said. "You just made me bleed!"


    "I''m sorry?" I said. "Wait!"


    Phil stopped mid-swing. "What?"


    "Raphael!" I yelled.


    "Yes?" He answered.


    "Can I still bet on myself?" I said.


    "Uh, sure. I guess. How much?" He said.


    I opened my wallet and pulled out two hundred dollar bills because that''s all that was in there. "Two hundred!" I tried to hand the money up to Raphael but it was too far.


    Raphael lied down on the ground next to the pit and stuck his arm through the caging surrounding the ring. "Come closer."


    I pressed myself against the wall of the ring and extended my arm as far up as it would go. "That''s all I got."


    "Tippy toes!" He said.


    I got on my tippy toes and pushed the money up. He finally grabbed it out of my hand.


    "Thanks," he said. "Alright, go back to fighting."


    I started to turn around when Phil''s fist impacted my head. His knuckles popped against my head but nothing broke because I wasn''t leaning into it.


    "Ow!" He said. "What''s wrong with your head?"


    I kicked him in the side of the knee, tearing his ACL and LCL, and sending him to the ground. I punched him in the face and a few of his teeth flew out of his mouth. I stepped back and let him try to get to his feet. He barely stood up on one leg. He threw one last punch that I dodged and I uppercut him so hard that he lifted into the air and slammed onto his back on the hard concrete floor of the pit. He didn''t move after that. Everyone was silent after that.


    Something landed on my face. I picked it off and looked at it. It was a hundred-dollar bill. Then I saw nine more on the ground. Raphael had thrown my winnings at me from above. I must have had 5 to 1 odds.


    "I call cheating!" A guy jumped down into the pit and landed next to me. He was a little shorter than me with balding red hair and a crooked nose. He poked me in the chest. "What are you using? A four-leaf clover? A rabbit''s foot? Maybe a voodoo doll? No one takes hits like that from "The Fill" and walks away!"


    "I don''t know what you''re talking about, little guy," I said.


    "Little guy? I''ll show you a little guy!" He said.


    "Whoa, whoa, whoa! I don''t want to see your penis!" I said.


    "I''m not going to show you my penis, you idiot! I''m going to do this!" He said. He slowly grew taller and more muscular until he was a buff 6''5" Irish man with a long red beard and gold horns.


    "What the hell?" I said.


    "What, you''ve never seen a leprechaun before?" He said grinning. He was massive. His fist was as big as my head.


    "Uh, no, obviously not. I feel the need to say this despite you already answering this question. Leprechauns are real?" I said.


    "Of course, they''re real. Where do you think you are right now?" He said.


    "A Nazi bar?" I said.


    "A Nazi bar? Ha! That''s just something we do to scare away tourists. You''re not a tourist are you?" He said.


    "Me? A tourist? No way," I said unconvincingly.


    "He''s a tourist! Lock it down!" He said. Someone pulled a lever. Alarms blared and red lights flashed. The leprechaun tried to grab me. "Come here, you little tourist!"


    "No! Get away from me! Stranger danger!" I said. I dodged out of the way of his grasp.


    "Dave! We need to get out of here, now!" Lucifer said.


    "Yeah, no duh!" I said.


    I ran up the wall of the pit, grabbed the edge, and began to pull myself up. The leprechaun grabbed my leg and tried to pull me down. "No! Stop that!" I said. I kicked him in the face, knocking him back.


    "Ow, my nose!" The leprechaun said as he shrunk back down to his smaller size. Wait, did hitting him in the nose make him shrink? Better store that away for later in case I run into more.


    I climbed through the caging around the pit and flipped over onto my back. Lucifer pulled me up. I looked around the bar as the patrons began to transform. One turned into a massive furry creature that I can assume was a werewolf. Another turned into a pale white humanoid with black eyes and pointy ears. Not sure what that was.


    Then I looked to my left and saw a dude in a fighting stance staring at me. He began to morph and change. He got skinnier and taller. His clothes disappeared and then reappeared, black and raggedy. His skin got pale white and his lips and the skin around his eyes turned black. His hair turned black and spiky and wavy at the same time. Once the transformation was complete, he looked at himself and then he looked at me.This story originates from Royal Road. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.


    "What the fuck, dude?" He said.


    "What? You''re acting like I did that to you," I said.


    "I''m supposed to turn into your deepest darkest fear!" He said.


    "What? Emo kids were really mean to me in high school," I said.


    He looked like an emo kid from my high school days. He specifically looked like my biggest bully, Charlie. He was this emo kid who''d always call me a normie and a prude, and would knock shit out of my hands and rip my backpack open, spilling everything onto the ground. I always wondered why he picked on me so much, but thinking about it now, I''m pretty sure he had a crush on me. He never said he was gay, but why else was I the only person he ever bullied? He also slapped my butt and squeezed my balls a lot. I didn''t think much of it at the time since it hurt, but he was probably sexually harassing me. Damn you, Charlie!


    "This doesn''t feel right," the guy said in Charlie''s voice as he looked at his painted black fingernails. "And why do I have an overwhelming attraction to you. I want to kiss you, but I also want to punch you. This feels weird!"


    "I''m sorry turning my fears against me didn''t work out for you, but I have bigger problems to worry about!" I said. I kicked him in the stomach sending him flying back.


    "Come on!" Lucifer said, grabbing my hand and pulling me toward the entrance.


    Two large men stood in front of us and transformed into red skinned demons. They were tall and spindly with long fingers, wearing red suits with black shirts. They grabbed me and Lucifer and one of them said, "We''re sorry sir, but you''re going to have to come with us."


    "Kevin? Dale? Stand down this instant! I am your commander-in-chief!" Lucifer said.


    Several more patrons transformed into demons as well until we were surrounded by them. "This is for your own good." They said to the devil.


    As they closed in, there was a brilliant flash of white light. It knocked back all the demons to the ground, but left me and Lucifer standing. Raphael walked through the bright light and said, "Things are getting hairy. I need to get you two out of here."


    "Who are you?" Lucifer said.


    "Do you not recognize your own brother?" Raphael said.


    "I have many brothers. Which one are you?" Lucifer said.


    "It''s me, Raphael!" Raphael said.


    "Raph! Now I remember! It''s been so long! How are you?" He said.


    "I''m glad you finally recognized me, but now''s not the time," Raph said.


    I looked at Lucifer quizzically and said, "Do you not look at name tags?"


    Lucifer looked at me like I was crazy. "No! Never! Why would I respect the help enough to learn their names?"


    "I don''t even know how to respond to that," I said dumbfounded.


    "Stop making jokes, and follow me," Raph said.


    The demons were starting to wipe their eyes and get up. We followed Raph through the bar. I watched as he put his hand up and flashed every monster and mythical creature that came after us with a brilliant white light that knocked them down and blinded them. He got the werewolf, a ghost, some vampires, a ghoul, and even some random old man. Knocked him right to the ground, cane and all. He took us behind the bar and rearranged some bottles on the wall until the wall opened up and we squeezed through. Once we were through, he pulled the walls shut and put a metal bar through the handles to keep it shut.


    There was a light overhead, but only here near the door. He grabbed a torch off the wall and lit it. Then he led us down a long dark tunnel. As we walked, he said, "I''ve been undercover there for years, watching comings and goings, and informing the right people when bad things went down. Then you guys come in here and blow my cover in 20 minutes. What do you have to say for yourselves?"


    "We''re sorry?" I said.


    "Speak for yourself," Lucifer said. "I''m just babysitting him until the time runs out on our bet. He''s the one who wanted to come here."


    "Hey, I just thought I was going to beat up some Nazis and make a little money. I didn''t expect whatever that was," I said.


    "Yeah, what was all that Raph? I didn''t know there was a supernatural gathering spot here," Lucifer said.


    "I have to say, I''m a little surprised," Raph said. "The demons have been planning something big. I thought it was with your approval, but I guess they''ve been doing it behind your back."


    "What have they been planning?" I asked.


    "I don''t know. I felt like I was getting really close. They let me bartend and serve their private meetings, but now all that is over. My cover is blown. I can''t go back. They''ll tear me apart. I may be an archangel, but enough demons can take down even me. It might take a hundred of them, but they could do it," Raphael said.


    "They didn''t let anything loose while you were in their meetings?" I said.


    "They did let one thing loose. They''re planning to bring about the apocalypse. They think once the final judgment happens, they won''t have to stick around as demons much longer. Once all the souls have been sent to the appropriate circles of hell and properly punished for their misdeeds, they can take vacations, or even leave hell indefinitely and go on to do their own things," Raphael said.


    "But how do they plan to do that?" I said.


    "That, I don''t know," he said. "They didn''t reveal that."


    "Hmm," Lucifer said rubbing his chin. "I might know someone who would know."


    "Who?" I and Raph said at the same time.


    "Mephistopheles," Lucifer said.


    "You know where he is? We''ve been trying to track him down for ages," Raphael said.


    "Who''s that?" I said


    "He''s a general in my army. His domain is gambling and deal-making. He does most of the devil deals, but I wanted to take your challenge on myself, since you specifically targeted me with your initial declaration. He''s also an excellent information gatherer. He likes to know everything that''s going on in the world, supernatural or not," Lucifer said.


    "You''re taking me with you right?" I said.


    "I think this is beyond the scope of your abilities. You should go home and just wait for me to kill you tomorrow," he said.


    "No way! That''s boring! Besides, I might actually useful skills you could use," I said.


    "Like what? I''m sorry to say, but getting drunk and cutting off your own hands aren''t typically considered useful skills," Lucifer said.


    "No, no! Gambling, you idiot! I''m an expert gambler. Especially when it comes to card games. If you get me in a card game with him, I guarantee you I''ll win," I said. I wasn''t lying. I was a top notch gambler.


    "Don''t you have a huge gambling debt?" The Devil said.


    "Yes, but that was because I was wasted. As long as I don''t get drunk, I''m amazing," I said.


    "If you''re willing to pay the consequences if you lose, I''ll take you along," he said.


    "Yes!" I said pumping my fist.


    "Do you need back up?" Raphael said.


    "I appreciate the thought, but you''ll spook him. It''s better if you wait for us outside," Lucifer said.


    "Ok, but you better not ditch me. I''m in charge of this investigation upstairs. I need to keep reassuring people that everything is going according to plan, or all heaven might break loose," he said.


    "Good to know," Lucifer said.


    "Are we almost out of here?" I said. "We''ve been walking for like a mile."


    "Oh yeah we can leave whenever we want," Raphael said. "This is the endless corridor of Gostelf. It can show up anywhere you need it to for a quick escape and it can disappear just as quickly. Oh, and you can leave whenever and wherever you want. Snap and a door will open up to your intended destination."


    I went to snap, but Lucifer put his hand over mine. "You don''t know where we''re going," he said.


    "Oh, right," I said.


    He snapped his fingers and a door opened in the side of the corridor. We all walked through it and arrived outside a Casino titled "The Last Temptation." It was displayed in neon above the entrance. We walked up to the casino and Lucifer said to Raphael, "You wait here. He''ll notice you as soon as you step inside."


    Lucifer and I walked through the doors and were immediately flanked by security guards dressed in fancy black suits and wearing sunglasses at night. A security guard with a red tie, clearly someone of authority, said, "If you gentlemen could please accompany us. Our boss wants a word."


    "Fine," I said.


    "Good," Lucifer said smiling.


    We followed the man in the red tie through a series of doors and down a number of hallways and corridors. We entered a pair of doors covered in gold filigree. A man sat in a chair facing away from us looking over the casino floor through reflective glass.


    "Close the doors," he said. He spun around in his chair like a spy villain and stopped, facing us. "Now, what could the Prince of Darkness and some random guy be doing in my casino?" He smiled a devilish grin.

 Chapter 4: Mephistopheles

    "Now, what could the Prince of Darkness and some random guy be doing in my casino?" Mephistopheles said. He wore a black suit with a red shirt and black tie. He was in human form at the moment. He had shaggy brown hair, green eyes, and crooked teeth. You''d think Hell could afford a good dental plan.


    "We''re here for information," Lucifer said.


    "What about?" Mephistopheles said inspecting his fingernails.


    "The plan," Lucifer said.


    "What plan?" Mephistopheles said now inspecting his shirt cuffs.


    "The plan to start the apocalypse early. Ring any bells?" Lucifer said.


    "No, I can''t say that it does," he said picking his nose.


    "He''s not budging," Lucifer said to me. "Any ideas?"


    "Can''t you just make him tell you?" I said.


    "I can, but he''ll just say he doesn''t know anything. Command in hell isn''t like it is up here. It''s all about power and threats. I have the power, but he knows I won''t kill him, so threatening it does nothing," he said.


    "Can you just hurt him until he breaks?" I said.


    "I can hurt him, but it won''t get us anywhere. You don''t know Meph like I do. He''ll take a secret to the grave if he thinks he can leverage it," he said. "I would know. I''ve put him in the grave before. It''s unfortunate we never stay dead. Angels and demons I mean."


    "What does that mean? Like you come back to life?" I said.


    "Always. We''re immortal. We always come back," he said.


    "I see. Well, I might have another idea for getting the information out of him," I said.


    "You do?" Lucifer said incredulously.


    "Actually, yes. I know what this guy wants," I said.


    "And what might that be?" Lucifer said.


    "Simple. A deal," I said. "Hey, you! Mephelepiggus!"


    "That''s not my name, simple human. Can''t you see the adults are talking? Begone with you!" He said shooing me away.


    "Oh! Ok. Sure. I mean, I was going to make you an offer, but I guess you''ll never know what it was," I said turning away and walking over to another part of the room where there was a poker table and a pool table. I grabbed a ball and rolled it hard so it bounced back and forth several times from the front edge to the back edge of the table.


    Mephistopheles was quiet for 10 seconds. I waited without saying a word. He started tapping his foot on the ground. I ignored him until he could take it any longer. "Ok, fine! What was it?"


    "No. You didn''t want to hear it. You adults go and talk," I said tossing another ball.


    Mephistopheles got out of his chair and walked over to me. He grabbed me by the collar, lifting me off the ground and his face became demonically ugly. One of his eyes was drooping out of his eye socket. I grabbed it gently and pushed it back into the socket. It moved around until its gaze settled on me like his other eye.


    "Thanks. That''s been bugging me for a while, but it''s surprisingly hard to put your own eye back in the socket," he said.


    "No problem," I said. "Now, why are you picking me up? Are we gonna slow dance?"


    "Oh, right. Where was I? Oh yeah. Tell me what the offer was or so help me Dog, I will burn you to cinders!" He said.


    "You can''t," I said.


    "Why not?" He said.


    "Because Lucifer made me invincible," I said.


    "Why would he do that?" He asked.


    "Why don''t you ask him," I said.


    "Lucy, why would you make this kid invincible?" Mephistopheles asked.


    "Only to external physical harm!" Lucifer said.


    "What does that mean?" I said.


    "Only to external physical threats. So like if you got poisoned or you had a heart attack or a stroke, you''d still die," he said.


    "Why?" I said.


    "I can''t cure all ailments. I''m not Jesus!" Lucifer said.


    "Yes, you can. You just don''t want to. You said before you could fix my heart defect," I said.


    "Ok, ok. I stand corrected. I can fix those things but as I said, that takes a lot of juice, and I could well, die," he said.


    "But you''d come back though," I said.


    "Yes, but like an hour later. The apocalypse plot might have already succeeded by then," he said.


    "Why don''t I just poison myself a million times and win the bet," I said.


    "Because I''d know what you''re poisoning yourself with. I could just remove that specific toxin from your body easily. That''s why I''m keeping an eye on you in the first place. I meant if you were poisoned by an unknown toxin," he said.


    "Oh, ok," I said. I was definitely storing that away for later.


    "No one is answering my question! Why did you make him invincible to ''external physical harm''?" Mephistopheles said.


    "Cuz I need him alive until 7 pm tomorrow night. We have a little bet going that I can''t kill him at that exact time," Lucifer said.A case of literary theft: this tale is not rightfully on Amazon; if you see it, report the violation.


    "Oh, so that''s why this kid is here. That makes sense, but it''s not satisfying. If I can''t threaten him with death or pain, how am I going to get him to tell me the offer?" He whined.


    "You know, you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar," I said.


    "What does that mean?" He said raising his eyebrow. "You want me to bribe you?"


    "If you offer me something I want, I''ll tell you my offer in return," I said.


    "You''re extorting me just to tell me your offer? Is that the best you got?" He said smirking.


    "Don''t pretend. You want to know my offer," I said.


    "Damn it. You''re good," he said grinning an angry grin.


    "I know," I said. "I can be persuasive given the right motivation."


    "You''d make a good demon," he said.


    "I know, but I''m not super into torturing people," I said. "It''s just not my thing."


    "I suppose that is fair," he said. He paused. "Well, what do you want?"


    "Give me some sort of power. Something cool," I said.


    "It would have to be fairly low power to be justifiable and doable," he said.


    "Hmm," I said. I thought about it for a while. "I''ve had bad luck ever since I can remember. I''m not asking you to give me good luck, but what if you gave me the ability to correct my karma back to zero? Like if a bunch of bad things happen to me, I can correct them with good karma coming my way. Or if a bunch of good things happen to me, I can correct that by sending bad karma to myself."


    "Karmic rebalancing. That sounds relatively harmless since if the universe is operating as it should, your karma should balance out relatively quickly as it is," he said.


    "Yes, but this would allow me to make the karma rebalance whenever I want, in case it''s taking too long," I said.


    "Ok. I can understand that," he said.


    "To be clear, it shouldn''t matter if the bad things that happen to me are my fault. Bad things are bad things," I said.


    "I suppose that''s true," he said scratching his chin. "Ok. Karmic rebalancing with the stipulations you provided. Done."


    "You''re not lying are you?" I said, but then I felt it. The karmic balance of my life. Currently, the scales were being heavily weighed down by negative events. "Oh. I see."


    "You feel it," he said.


    "I do," I said. "Thank you." I bowed my head as much as I could while being held in the air.


    "Yeah, yeah. Now cough it up! What''s the offer?" He said.


    "The offer is if Lucifer kills me and I go to hell, I''ll let you personally torture my soul as much as you want," I said.


    "Hmm. That''s not bad, but what do I get out of torturing your soul?" He said.


    "You get to torture the human that annoyed you so much, you picked him up and still haven''t put him down," I said looking at the ground a foot below my feet.


    "Oh, right," he said setting me down. "In that case, it''s not a bad offer, considering the devil has never lost a bet, but that still depends on what you want in return."


    "The who, what, when, why, where, and how of the demon plot to kick start the apocalypse. Gimme," I said.


    "Fine. I''ll tell you what I know in return for what you offered me. It isn''t much, but it should at least point you in the right direction," he said.


    "Ok, hit me," I said.


    Mephistopheles punched me in the face.


    "I deserved that, but seriously, what''s the info?" I said.


    "They''re planning to rob a bank," he said rubbing his fist. "That hurt. Why did you have to make his face so hard?"


    "So bullets couldn''t pierce it and kill him," Lucifer said.


    "Oh. That makes sense," Mephistopheles said.


    "They''re planning to rob a bank? Why?" I said.


    "I don''t know. But I heard it from a very reliable source," he said. "So I know it''s legit."


    "Who''s your source?" Lucifer said grabbing Mephistopheles by the collar.


    "You don''t have to do that. I''ll tell you. It''s Lilith," he said.


    "She said she tortured the information out of some lower-level demon named Harvey. She said she was going to look into it further, but I haven''t heard from her since," he said.


    "Who''s Lilith? It sounds familiar, but I don''t recall anything specific," I said.


    "She was Adam''s first wife, but she didn''t much like being ordered around, so she left and made a deal with demons to become a demon and now she''s a demon queen who runs a section of Hell," Lucifer said.


    "That checks out. That first thing totally leads to the next thing," I said.


    "Right? Adam was a jerk. He really didn''t like having a wife who couldn''t obey him. I think she made the deal to just have a place to stay. They kicked her out of paradise and my father didn''t build anything outside of it except dirt," Lucifer said. "Kind of dumb if you ask me."


    "That just sounds messed up is what that sounds like," I said.


    "Yeah, well I guess it doesn''t matter how she got there. She''s a demon queen now regardless," Lucifer said.


    "Right. Where do you think we should look for her?" I said.


    "If she''s been captured by this group of conspiring demons, she''s probably in the Fortress of Bureaucracy. They''ll tie you down for ages and not release you but say you''re free to go whenever you want, as long as you sign some forms first," Lucifer said.


    "Sounds like hell," I said.


    "It is," he said. "Figuratively and literally."


    "Well, let''s go then. Time''s wasting," I said.


    "Leaving so soon? We haven''t even gotten to play any games yet," Mephistopheles said disappointed.


    "The coin is in your left hand, then your right hand, then your right hand, then your right hand again. You have a card up your sleeve, in your shoe, and in your crotch, which is gross. And the numbers you''re thinking of are 3, 7, 69, 420, and 666," I said. I could read this guy like a book. He loved deals, he loved games, and he loved winning, but he was predictable.


    "What? How did you?" Mephistopheles said.


    "Because I''ve done it myself. I know all the tricks," I said.


    "Bah! You''re no fun!" He said. Coins and cards fell out of his clothes and several explosions of confetti went off on different parts of his body.


    "Whoa! That''s a little more than I expected. Well done," I said. "Touch¨¦."


    "Hey, I almost always win, and when I don''t, I make the other person wish that I did. You''re the first one to get a fair deal out of me," he said. "I''d tip my hat to you, but I don''t have one, and I don''t want to. You annoyed me too much."


    "I get that," I said. "Well, we''re off."


    "See you later, Meph! Don''t die before I can kill you!" Lucifer said.


    We walked out the way we came in and were escorted back out by the guards that led us to Meph''s room in the first place. When we got outside, Raphael was rubbing his hands together and breathing into them to keep them warm. His breath made steam on the air, but mine didn''t and neither did Lucifer''s.


    Raphael saw me narrow my eyes at that observation. "Demons are cold-blooded, like lizards. Hell has the perfect climate for them, because it''s so hot. You have some of their magic in you, so your body is starting to run like theirs. Angels on the other hand are warm-blooded. That''s why my breath is steaming and yours aren''t."


    "I see," I said.


    "Be careful with that. Being cold blooded means you need external heat every so often, or you''ll get really uncomfortable, and then you''ll die. Cold blooded animals need heat to fuel digestive processes, or as I said, they''ll die," Raphael said.


    "Good to know," I said. "Well, it looks like we need to head to Hell to find answers. You gonna be able to tag along?"


    "Normally, no. Angels aren''t supposed to enter Hell at any time for any reason, but I''ve been authorized full autonomy on where I go and what I do to prevent this apocalypse. So, short answer is yes, I can tag along," Raphael said.


    "Ok, here we go," Lucifer said snapping his fingers.


    We disappeared from outside the casino and reappeared somewhere red and hot. The ground was black and cracked with red light seeping through. There were black clouds overhead that flashed with lightning and a deep red light seemed to permeate everything.


    "What kind of light is this? Am I gonna need to wear sunblock?" I said.


    "Red light? I think thematically it''s red because we''re supposed to be underground. You know, molten magma is red so the light is red, but technically we''re not actually underground. We''re in another dimension entirely. So I don''t actually know where the light comes from or why it''s red. My father created it. Go ask him," Lucifer said.


    "Whoa! Settle down buddy. Sounds like I struck a nerve," I said.


    "No. I mean, yeah. It''s just the first thing everyone asks when they get here. I get tired of explaining it and not having the answer," Lucifer said.


    "Ok. I''ll try not to touch anymore nerves, but no promises," I said.


    "That''s all I can ask for, I suppose," Lucifer said.


    "Hey guys, is this where we''re going?" Raphael said pointing at the massive building in front of us.


    "Is this the Fortress of Bureaucracy? This is less a fortress and more a corporate headquarters. This thing is huge!" I said.


    "You''ll find it''s a little bit of both," Lucifer said. "I try not to spend too much time in there. The people get under my skin."


    "Should we go inside?" I said.


    "Let''s," the Devil said.


    "I''m following you two," Raphael said.


    We walked towards the towering black building that was the Fortress of Bureaucracy. I wondered what dreadful policies and procedures awaited us inside.

 Chapter 5: Fortress of Bureaucracy

    We walked in through the front doors of the Fortress of Bureaucracy and the first thing that happened was someone standing at the door handed us a stack of papers each. ¡°Fill these out.¡±


    They were a stack of forms for different purposes. One was a release form, clearing the Fortress of Bureaucracy and Hell of responsibility for any injury, death, boredom, or annoyance we may experience while inside. Another was a Non-Disclosure Agreement. I didn¡¯t even know they could give Non-Disclosure Agreements to people who weren¡¯t employees. But this was Hell. They probably didn¡¯t have the same rules down here as they did up on Earth. Wait, why am I saying ¡°down here¡± and ¡°up on Earth¡±? Lucifer said this is a different dimension. That we aren¡¯t underground. Probably just conditioning. Oh well.


    There was also a questionnaire. There was one asking why we were visiting the Fortress of Bureaucracy and another one for why we were in Hell in the first place.


    There was also a survey. It asked us how our experience was in Hell so far and how our experience was in the Fortress of Bureaucracy. There were a lot of ¡°rate your experience from 1 to 10¡± sections and they were all measures of negative emotion.


    ¡°On a scale from 1 to 10, how annoying has your experience been so far?¡± One question said.


    ¡°On a scale from 1 to 10, how much do you want to punch someone in the face right now?¡± Another question said.


    ¡°On a scale from 1 to 10, how likely are you to rip all your clothes off and run away screaming?¡± Yet another question said.


    I just circled ¡°10¡± on all of them, on the off chance that they immediately checked these as a way to adjust your experience here. I figured if I circled ¡°1,¡± they would ramp it up to become even more unpleasant than it already was. Meanwhile, Lucifer and Raphael gave honest answers, which made me feel like pulling out my hair. Did they not understand where they were? This was hell! The place where they torture souls! I was feeling tortured already by all these annoying forms.


    The last page just said in big letters, ¡°Deliver your papers to the front desk.¡± So that¡¯s what we did. I finished first, so I was in front. I placed my papers on the counter. Sitting behind the counter was a short red demon with just enough cleavage showing to where it was inappropriate for work, but not enough for coworkers to call her out on it. She was filing her nails. She looked up at me, took the papers, and put them in a ¡°To File¡± basket on her desk.


    ¡°Yes?¡± she said, smacking her gum. ¡°How may I not help you today?¡±


    ¡°Wait, is it opposite day today?¡± I said.


    ¡°Every day is opposite day, except for the days that aren¡¯t,¡± she said.


    ¡°That was illuminating and confusing at the same time. Good job,¡± I said.


    ¡°I aim not to please,¡± she said smiling a white smile with perfect rows of straight sharp teeth.


    ¡°Excellent. So can you not tell us where we can find Lilith, please, and no thank you?¡± I said. I wasn¡¯t sure if talking in opposite speak would work, but it was worth a try.


    ¡°Absolutely not. You won¡¯t be able to find her in the Department of Perpetual Processing,¡± she said smacking her gum louder somehow. I was feeling a strange attraction to this very annoying person, and I didn¡¯t understand why.


    Lucifer saw the look in my eyes, grabbed me by the shoulders, and shook me. ¡°Don¡¯t fall in! It¡¯s a trap!¡±


    I turned around. ¡°What?¡± I said.


    ¡°That feeling you¡¯re feeling. It¡¯s a demonic lure. They use it to enslave the minds of humans to do their bidding. Don¡¯t become a victim of it,¡± he said.


    ¡°Oh.¡± I shook my head, but the feeling didn¡¯t go away. I could feel my attraction to her growing stronger by the second. Then I remembered my new power. ¡°Uh, let me try something.¡± I tried to activate my karmic rebalancing ability. My bad luck was stacked so heavily on the scales that I bet the rebalancing would offer a great boon to me, which hopefully would help me out of this situation. I focused on activating the ability and I felt a weight slam onto the good luck side of the scales, restoring balance.


    Then, suddenly, I didn¡¯t feel the attraction any more. She seemed like an ok, if crappy, person, but I didn¡¯t desire her the way I had moments ago. Huh. Maybe I became immune to it?


    ¡°Uh, I think I fixed it. I don¡¯t feel attracted to her anymore,¡± I said.


    ¡°Good,¡± Lucifer said.


    I turned back to the woman and said, ¡°Where can I not find this Department of Perpetual Processing?¡±


    ¡°Up the stairs three times, turn left, then right, then right again. You can¡¯t see it,¡± she said.


    ¡°Huh? Oh, right. No thank you,¡± I said and winked.


    She winked right back and continued filing her nails.


    We started to walk away when the woman behind the counter said, ¡°You forgot something!¡±


    I walked back to her. ¡°What? What did I forget?¡±


    ¡°This,¡± she said. She handed me a form. It was a ¡°Request for Romantic Engagement¡± form. She had already filled it out. It said her name was Margaret. At first, I was confused about how to respond to this, then I thought, what would a bureaucrat do? And it came to me.


    I leaned over the counter to look at her desk. ¡°Can I see your stamps and a pen?¡±


    ¡°You certainly cannot,¡± she said. She handed me a small bin of stamps and a nice black metal pen.


    I looked at the stamps to find the one I wanted and said, ¡°You¡¯re not going to do this on the date, are you?¡±


    ¡°Do what?¡± She said, looking hurt.


    ¡°The whole opposite speak thing. Like I get you doing it here, but on the date, I feel like communication would get really confusing, and don¡¯t even get me started on how awkward it would make consent,¡± I said, smiling, but also kind of serious.


    ¡°No, I will not. That stays at work,¡± she said.


    ¡°Ok, good.¡± I grabbed a stamp and stamped the word ¡°APPROVED¡± on the form and then wrote my phone number in the margin. I didn¡¯t feel an overwhelming lust for her anymore, but that didn¡¯t mean I didn¡¯t think she was cute or potentially interesting. Even if the date turned out horrible, I¡¯d at least have a story to tell at parties.Support the author by searching for the original publication of this novel.


    I handed her the form. She looked at it and squealed. I didn¡¯t expect that much enthusiasm from a bureaucrat, but maybe I was better looking than I thought I was.


    I left her to do her job. We took the directions she gave us and arrived at our destination. The Department of Perpetual Processing. We walked inside and were faced with endless rows of cubicles as far as the eye could see. Which made no sense, considering the outside of the room that we walked into wasn¡¯t that large. It must have been one of those ¡®bigger on the inside¡¯ sort of things.


    Inside each cubicle was someone filling out forms. Every time they would complete their forms, someone would come up to the cubicle, take their completed forms, and hand them more forms to complete. And on and on into infinity. I wondered if this was a sort of prison. Something that could be bureaucratically explained as just being ¡°part of the procedure,¡± but the procedure was meant to hold you up as long as they wanted you to be there. This made sense as a place to imprison Lilith if she¡¯d gotten too close to figuring out the demonic plot.


    Technically, they probably couldn¡¯t imprison her because she was in too high of a position of authority. She was a queen, after all. But they could effectively imprison her here as long as they wanted. What a truly diabolic mechanism they had constructed here.


    We walked up to the front desk. ¡°Are you here for processing or to de-process someone?¡± The guy behind the counter said without looking up.


    ¡°We¡¯re here to de-process someone,¡± I said.


    ¡°Who might that be?¡± He said. He still hadn¡¯t looked up yet.


    ¡°Lilith,¡± I said.


    The man looked up. ¡°Do you have the proper forms?¡±


    I turned to Lucifer and Raphael. ¡°Punch me in the face.¡± I looked at Lucifer. ¡°Make it hurt.¡±


    ¡°Sure,¡± Lucifer said.


    ¡°Why?¡± Raphael said.


    ¡°Just do it. He probably has a plan,¡± Lucifer said.


    ¡°Ok,¡± Raphael said, winding back.


    He slammed his fist into my face on one side and then Lucifer hit me on the other side. I fell to the ground and slid across the floor until I hit the wall of the front desk. I felt the scales of luck and karma tilt in one direction. I lay there for a while before getting up, brushing myself off, putting my hands out in front of me, and pressing the internal button to rebalance my karmic scales. The scales snapped back into balance and a stack of papers fell into my hands. I looked them over and they were signed by myself and several people. They detailed the process of releasing Lilith from this hellscape.


    I turned around and put them on the bureaucrat¡¯s desk. ¡°Here you go. The proper forms signed by the proper people.¡±


    He looked over the forms, and an expression of shock formed on his face. ¡°How did you get these? These are designed to be nearly impossible to fill out and get approved all in one day. You have about a 15-minute window to do it and only I know when it is. And you don¡¯t get them all approved in one day, they become invalid. You¡¯re not supposed to be able to do this! Only I get to decide when people get de-processed!¡±


    ¡°Why don¡¯t you calm down there, buddy? If they¡¯re all signed and properly filled out, don¡¯t you have to do what they say regardless of whether the process is designed to allow it or not?¡± I said.


    ¡°Technically, yes, but I¡¯m not happy about it. I¡¯ll be filing a complaint through HR against you, uh¡­¡± He looked at my shirt trying to find a name tag but I didn¡¯t have one.


    ¡°Dave,¡± I said, putting my hand out to shake. ¡°Nice to meet you.¡±


    ¡°Paul,¡± he said, shaking my hand. ¡°Nice to meet you too, I guess. Why aren¡¯t you wearing your name tag? Regulation states that everyone has to wear their name tag while at work.¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t work here, that¡¯s why. I¡¯m a visitor,¡± I said.


    ¡°You¡¯re telling me a visitor filled out all these forms and got them all signed by the appropriate people in one day? I don¡¯t believe it,¡± he said, looking defeated.


    ¡°Believe it or not, the evidence is right in front of your eyes,¡± I said.


    ¡°I suppose it is,¡± he said. He dropped the stack of papers into a bin marked ¡°To be filed¡± and stepped out from behind the desk. Stepping out from behind the desk made him lose a whole foot in height and I looked down at him when he said, ¡°Follow me.¡±


    We followed the short red demon through the aisles of cubicles as he turned left and right and left and right again. We eventually came to a cubicle with a pale woman wearing a black and red pinstripe pantsuit with her black hair in a bun behind her head. She was filling out paperwork faster than I¡¯d ever seen. She saw the processing employee and said, ¡°Can I go home now? I¡¯ve been filling out paperwork for hours!¡±


    ¡°Yes, you can go home. Thanks to these people. You should be thankful you¡¯ve only been filling out paperwork for hours. Some people have been here for years!¡± He said.


    ¡°That¡¯s disgusting,¡± I said.


    ¡°It¡¯s not disgusting. It¡¯s bureaucracy,¡± he said.


    ¡°Same thing,¡± I said. I looked at presumably Lilith and said, ¡°Come with us. We¡¯re here to bust you out.¡±


    ¡°Ok, thanks,¡± she said. ¡°I suppose introductions will have to wait until we¡¯re outside?¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s probably safer that way,¡± I said.


    We began to walk away from the bureaucratic employee. ¡°You¡¯ll be sorry! Bureaucracy could save your life someday!¡±


    ¡°I¡¯ll believe it when I see it,¡± I said dismissively.


    We walked back the way we came, and I received a text on my phone. ¡°This is Margaret. Is this Dave? I can¡¯t wait to go on our date!¡±


    Aww. She was cute. I liked it when women were eager. There¡¯s nothing worse than an unenthusiastic date. Why did we go on a date if you were going to play with your food and complain all night about your ex?


    I was about to type out a reply message when we passed the front desk. She peeked her head over the counter and said, ¡°Did you get my text?¡±


    ¡°Yes, Margaret. I look forward to our date too. I was just about to text you back,¡± I said.


    ¡°Oh, good! Let me know when you¡¯re free this week,¡± she said.


    ¡°Will do!¡± I said as we walked out the front door.


    ¡°When did you get her number?¡± Lucifer said.


    ¡°Earlier,¡± I said.


    ¡°Ask her if she likes devil¡¯s threesomes,¡± he said.


    ¡°I am not asking her that!¡± I said. I texted her, ¡°I might be free tomorrow. I¡¯m doing this whole saving the world thing right now, but I should be done with it by tomorrow.¡±


    ¡°If tomorrow doesn¡¯t work, can you do later in the week?¡± She replied.


    ¡°I¡¯m not sure. I may or may not be dead later in the week. The devil is supposed to kill me at 7 tomorrow,¡± I said.


    ¡°Ooo ouch. Yeah, that might hinder us a little bit. 7 am or pm?¡± She replied.


    ¡°PM,¡± I said.


    ¡°I can do 4 tomorrow. Early dinner, late lunch?¡± She replied.


    ¡°Sounds great! Where do you want to go?¡± I said.


    ¡°You pick! XP,¡± she said.


    ¡°I¡¯m from Earth. I don¡¯t know Hell restaurants,¡± I said.


    ¡°Ok, how about the IRS Cafe?¡± she said.


    ¡°The IRS has a cafe down here?¡± I said.


    ¡°Different IRS. Its full name is The Infernal Restaurant Service Cafe. XD,¡± she said.


    ¡°I see. That makes sense. Sure! It¡¯s a date!¡± I said.


    ¡°Ok. Meet me outside of work at 4 since you don¡¯t know where to go and I assume you don¡¯t have a hellphone,¡± she said.


    ¡°No, I do not have a hellphone. Not yet at least,¡± I said.


    ¡°Ok. See you soon!¡± She said.


    ¡°Are you done texting? We have a bank to rob,¡± Lucifer said.


    ¡°We¡¯re not robbing the bank! We¡¯re unrobbing it. I think,¡± Dave said.


    ¡°I don¡¯t care what we do as long as we save the world at the end,¡± Raphael said.


    ¡°Introductions, please! I want to know who I¡¯m traveling with before we teleport somewhere,¡± Lilith said.


    ¡°Fine! I¡¯m the Devil! Nice to meet you! Again!¡± He said exasperated.


    Lilith¡¯s eyes went wide, and she fell to her knees and bowed her head to the ground. ¡°My lord! I¡¯m so sorry! I didn¡¯t recognize you in your human form.¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s ok. I can understand the mistake,¡± Lucifer said.


    Lilith turned to me. ¡°Hi. I¡¯m Dave. I¡¯m in a bet with the Devil that he can¡¯t kill me at 7 pm tomorrow, but in the meantime, I¡¯m helping him save the world.¡±


    She shook my hand. ¡°Nice to meet you, Dave. I¡¯m Lilith. Demon queen and all-around bitch. I hope you win your bet, though I don¡¯t think you will. No one beats the Devil.¡± She turned to Raphael. ¡°And you are?¡±


    ¡°I am the archangel, Raphael,¡± Raphael said, bowing his head. ¡°I am pleased to make your acquaintance. I¡¯ve heard a lot about you.¡±


    ¡°Nothing good, I hope,¡± she said. ¡°Nice to meet you too, Raphael. Ok, now that we¡¯re all introduced, can we have a team meeting?¡±


    I looked back at the Fortress of Bureaucracy and noticed some demons come out of the front carrying weapons. They pointed at us and started running toward us.


    ¡°Hey, guys, I think we¡¯re about to be attacked,¡± I said, pointing at the demons.


    ¡°I¡¯d say that¡¯s a fair assessment,¡± Raphael said, looking.


    ¡°Where can we go that¡¯s safe? My place is probably crawling with demons,¡± Lilith said.


    ¡°Mine too. Now that they know, I know about their plot to end the world,¡± Lucifer said.


    ¡°Let¡¯s go to my place! I¡¯m a nobody! No one will expect it,¡± I said.


    ¡°Sounds good, buddy,¡± Lucifer said, putting his hand on my shoulder. He snapped his fingers, and we disappeared.


    We didn¡¯t appear in my apartment. We were falling through a dark space, but I could see everyone else in the group falling next to me.


    ¡°Where are we?¡± I yelled.


    ¡°I don¡¯t know!¡± Lucifer yelled back.


    Well, that wasn¡¯t good.

 Chapter 6: Sarah

    We fell through the dark endlessly. Wind whipped through our hair and burned our eyes. "What are we going to do?" I yelled.


    "I don''t know!" Lilith yelled. "Why are you looking at me?"


    "Because you''re in front of where my face is pointing?" I yelled, shrugging.


    "This isn''t helping!" Raphael yelled.


    "Someone do something! Dave! Figure it out! You always have an answer!" Lucifer said.


    He was right. I always seemed to have a solution to every problem lately. I just had to think. At least we had endless time. We weren''t going anywhere and there didn''t seem to be a bottom to whatever this was. We needed an escape. And then I had an idea.


    "Raph! Can we use that corridor of Gostelf here to escape?" I said hopefully.


    Raphael shook his head. "There has to be a wall that can be turned into a door."


    "Damn it! That was my one idea," I said. If only we had a wall. Wait, how did I know there wasn''t a wall? We hadn''t moved in any direction except down. How did I know that this just went on forever in all directions? The answer was I didn''t. I looked at everyone. "I have a new idea. We''re going to hold hands and just float sideways as far as we can go to see if there is a side to this endless falling tunnel."


    "That''s not a bad idea!" Raph said.


    "There you go, Dave! I knew you wouldn''t let us down!" Lucifer said.


    "Let''s just hope it works," Lilith said.


    "Ever the optimist," Lucifer said.


    "What''s wrong with being practical?" Lilith said.


    "Guys! Focus! We need to hold hands," Raph said.


    We fumbled around a bit until we formed a circle. "Now everyone, lean toward me!" I said.


    We all leaned and started to drift in a direction. Nothing happened for a good while. We just kept drifting. Suddenly, I fell and hit concrete with my face. "Ow!" I said. "Lucifer! You didn''t turn my invincibility back on?"


    "I forgot to¡ªWhoa!" Lucifer said as he fell and smashed his face into the concrete.


    "Watch out for the drop!" I yelled, as Raph and Lilith fell.


    "Ah!" Lilith said, putting her hands down and slamming them into the ground.


    "Oh, geez!" Raph said as he tumbled and rolled on the ground. Lucky bastard.


    I didn''t know how far we fell, but the impact wasn''t terminal velocity like it should have been. It was a hard fall, but it felt like the impact from a 10-foot fall. Not thousands of feet like it should have been. Everything was dark, so I couldn''t see much around me except my companions.


    Lucifer snapped his fingers, and a light floated above us, illuminating the darkness.


    "You could do that the whole time?" I said.


    "Yeah, I just didn''t think we needed a light. We could see each other just fine," he said.


    "Can you make it brighter?" I said. "I want to figure out what was going on with the endless falling and then suddenly concrete."


    "Sure," he said. He sent the light up higher and made it brighter.


    It illuminated a massive room. I couldn''t see the edges. It just faded into darkness. However, right next to us was a curving metal wall that hummed slightly when I put my ear against it. I climbed up onto it and saw a wide circular grating and wind blasted me in the face. I almost fell back onto the concrete it was so strong. It was a fan. An enormous fan, hundreds of feet wide. That''s why it felt like we were falling forever. We were being blown up into the air by the fan to simulate falling. They had things like this at skydiving schools to teach people how to maneuver their bodies while falling out of the sky.


    It was a trick. A trick to keep us in one place. To keep us distracted. And it worked. It would have worked much longer if it hadn''t been for my quick thinking. The next question was, how did they get us here? I looked through the grating and the spinning fan blades and saw strange markings and geometric patterns etched into the concrete below and painted with blood.


    "Hey, Lucifer," I said. "What is that?" I pointed at the patterns and markings.


    He had to climb onto the fan to see. His eyes widened. "It''s a devil''s trap. That''s why we ended up here rather than your apartment. It redirected my teleportation. That''s what devil''s traps do. I can''t teleport us anywhere except here now until this trap is destroyed. And with a massive multi-ton fan sitting on top of it, that won''t be happening anytime soon."


    "That''s ok. We can still use the Gostelf corridor," I said, putting my hand on his shoulder.


    "You don''t understand. I''m naked without my teleportation. It''s like wanting to have sex, but not being able to. I have ED now," he said, pouting.


    "What does ED stand for in this context?" I said, confused.


    "Extra-liminal Dysfunction," he said, almost in tears.


    "Get over it, you big baby! We''ll find some way to fix it, but first, we have to make sure we''re safe. If someone trapped us here, it''s likely they don''t have good intentions," I said.


    Strange guttural sounds pierced the quiet. Vowels and consonants that shouldn''t and don''t exist in any human language. "KTHULHU R''LYEH WGAH''NAGL-" A mass of tentacles emerged from the shadows towering above us. "BUSINALL VEEGOTH SHYA-achoo!" The tentacle monster erupted into a fit of sneezes and coughs that echoed through the massive, as of yet unknown sized room.


    There was the sound of someone wiping their noise and then, in a normal if hoarse human sounding voice, it said, "Does anyone have a tissue? I''ve been dealing with this cold all week! It''s been a nightmare!"


    "No offense, but you''re a nightmare," I said.


    "Offense taken, my friend. Can''t you look past appearances and see the heart of gold I have inside?" He said pleadingly.


    "Uh, no? We''ve just met," I said.


    "I have a tissue!" Raphael said. "Here!" He held out an unopened bag of tissues into the air. A long black tentacle snatched the bag and brought it back to the body of the monster.


    "Thank you," it said. I heard it blow its nose. "That''s much better."


    "Are you saying you''re not here to harm us?" I asked.


    "No, I am," he said.


    "So then I judged you appropriately. What are you giving me flak for?" I said, throwing my hands up.


    "Just because I''m a violent monster compelled to bring doom and despair to all that I meet, doesn''t mean I want to be seen that way," it said.


    "Tough shit!" I said.


    My words were punctuated by the sound of a wall exploding in the darkness.


    "Bring the light a little closer," a voice said.


    Lucifer moved the light, so it shined on a hole in the wall, where a woman stood proudly on top of a piece of rubble, holding a flaming sword, like she was posing for a movie poster. I recognized this woman. Her name was Sarah. She was the ex of mine who semi-recently moved out of my apartment. Well, it was ''our apartment'' at the time. Now it''s ''my apartment''.The tale has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation.


    "Sarah! What are you doing here?" I said, shocked.


    "I''m here to pay you back for what you did for me. Or what you will do for me in the future. I''m from the future is what I''m saying and I''m here to rescue you from this monster!" She said.


    Sarah leaped into action. She jumped over the monster, doing a flip in the air, and stabbed it when she landed on the other side. The monster caught fire from the sword and shrieked. Its tentacles wildly lashed out at her, but she dodged them all with a series of flips, side steps, cartwheels, and bending impossibly backwards without falling down. After her nimble display of acrobatics, she began slicing off the tentacles that came at her one by one.


    "What are you doing?" The monster said. "Stop!"


    After she had sliced off the last tentacle, she ran up to the blob-like monster and stabbed it all the way through. It fully caught on fire from this and shrieked as it burnt to death. Sarah climbed on top of the still somewhat burning creature and did another hero pose before going, "Ow! Hot! Hot! Hot!" as she jumped off the smouldering corpse.


    "Was that necessary?" I said.


    "Of course! He was going to kill you!" she said.


    "I''m not so sure. He said he was here to harm us, but he made no moves to do so. Also, how do you know it was a he?" I said.


    "Slip of the tongue," she said.


    "Wait. None of this makes sense. If you''re from the future, because of something I will do for you, that means we would have gotten out of this situation without your help. So you showing up was completely unnecessary," I said.


    "But I just saved you. You saw that!" She said, pointing at the corpse.


    "Also, our break up ended rather badly. How am I supposed to believe you''re here to help me?" I said, putting my hands on my hips.


    "Damn it, Dave! You always were too smart for your own good," she said. She lunged at me and stabbed me with her sword. It hurt. It felt like my insides were burning because they were.


    "Dave!" Lucifer said.


    "Ouch," I said. She kicked me off her sword as Lucifer, Lilith, and Raphael charged at her. From the ground, I watched them face off against her.


    "That''s Azrael''s sword! How did she get it?" Raphael said, summoning a sword made of light.


    "I don''t know?" Lucifer said. "Why don''t you ask her?" He focused and covered his hands in darkness that turned into clawed gauntlets. He used them to deflect and block her sword.


    Lilith summoned a whip made of flames that she fought with. "Stop arguing and kill her!"


    Raphael crossed swords with Sarah. They were evenly matched. I had no idea when Sarah got so good with a sword, but she was kicking ass. I shook my head. I shouldn''t be rooting for the person who stabbed me.


    They got stuck in a sword lock, pushing swords against each other. Raphael had the upper hand in strength at first, pushing her sword close to her own throat, but then Raph''s sword started to crack. Spider web cracks etched themselves through his sword, made of light. He tried to cut her throat before his sword broke, but he was too late. His sword shattered and Azrael''s sword cut through Raphael like a hot knife through butter. It took a few seconds, but Raph''s head slid off his body and plopped to the ground, a look of shock frozen on his face. His body followed soon after.


    "Ahhh!!!" Lucifer ran in and engaged Sarah close range while Lilith whipped at her at long range. "How dare you kill my brother! Only I''m allowed to do that!"


    Lucifer swiped left and right, but Sarah blocked every blow. He went high, low, middle, left, and right, but she was already there every time. It didn''t make any sense. Lucifer was an angel, or former angel, why couldn''t he just out speed her?


    Then, all the blocking jostled her enough that something fell out of her shirt. It was a chain. It had multiple medallions hanging from it. One was an hourglass, another was a heart with a jagged line through the middle, the third was the head of a goat, and the last was the symbol of a sword. That must have been what was making her so strong. Each medallion must give her different powers. The hourglass for time travel, the goat''s head for either countering demons or gaining the power of a demon, the sword for her sword skills, and the broken heart for I don''t know what. I get that it symbolized her anger towards me, but I couldn''t think of what ability it would give her.


    "Why am I fighting you?" Lucifer said, while jumping back. "I can just charm you!" He grinned and stared at her.


    Sarah suddenly went still and stopped fighting. Lucifer grinned wider and said, "Come here." Sarah started walking towards him and stood in front of him. He put his claws up to her throat and said, "That''s better. It was nice meeting you. I''m sorry we have to part ways so soon."


    "Me too," Sarah said and stabbed Lucifer in the stomach.


    He fell to the ground and looked up at her. "How did you do that?"


    Sarah tapped the goat''s head medallion. "Anti-demon charm. Your abilities don''t work on me."


    "Damn you," Lucifer said, closing his eyes and breathing out for a long time.


    "No. Damn you," Sarah said with a chuckle. "You''ve already been damned, so I guess that''s unnecessary."


    "Damn you!" Lilith said as she swung her whip at Sarah.


    Sarah blocked it with her sword, and it wrapped around the blade. Lilith tried to pull it out of her hands, but Sarah held on tight. She focused and the flame whip began to get drawn into the sword. The sword was absorbing the whip, and pulled Lilith along with it. Lilith tried to pull the whip out, but it was useless. When she got close, the sword began drawing Lilith into it.


    "Noooo!!!" Lilith roared as she was sucked into the sword in a puff of black smoke.


    "Fuck," I said. I needed to get up. I needed to avenge my new friends. Acquaintances? I didn''t know what they were to me, but I knew somewhere deep down I could never forgive myself if I didn''t try to make their sacrifices mean something.


    I could feel the weight on my karmic scales. I had a boon coming when I rebalanced things. I just hoped it would be enough to defeat her. I pressed the mental button and waited. At first, nothing happened, until Lucifer opened his eyes and said, "Ah!! Adrenaline!!" He grabbed Sarah''s foot and yanked hard. She fell to the ground and dropped the sword.


    It bounced over to where I was lying on the ground. "I''m turning it back on, Dave." He snapped his fingers, and I felt better all of a sudden. The invincibility had come back. I looked at my stab wound. It wasn''t bleeding. The burning sword had cauterized the wound, so I wouldn''t bleed out, but I''d probably still die from complications if I didn''t get medical attention soon. But at least I was invincible to further damage.


    I could probably kill myself with the sword and win the bet now. Azrael''s sword could probably get through the invincibility, but what would be the point of that? Sure, I''d win the bet, but the world would be doomed. What was the point of winning if I couldn''t enjoy it? No. I had to save the world and avenge my acquaintances. That was the only option.


    I pressed the sword against the ground to help me stand up, but it sank into the concrete some. Oh shit. I didn''t realize this thing was that powerful. I stood up on my own and pulled the sword out of the ground. I wielded it with both hands and pointed it at Sarah.


    "You killed my acquaintances. So now I''m going to kill you. I think," I said.


    "Is that the best you got?" she said.


    "I didn''t think our relationship was that bad. Why are you doing this?" I said.


    "You ruined my life!" She said.


    "How?" I said.


    Sarah hated her job and told me so every day when we lived together. One day, she got fired. Then she complained all day every day about not having a job.


    I said, "Go get a job then."


    "It''s not that easy!" She said.


    "Sure it is. You go down to the grocery store and ask for a job. If they say no, then go to another grocery store or a fast food place or a gas station," I said, taking a diet soda out of the fridge.


    "No. It has to be in supply chain management. That''s what I went to school for," she said, holding her head in her hands.


    I sat down on the couch next to her and put my hand on her shoulder.


    "Well, are you getting any replies back for those kinds of jobs?" I said.


    "No! They all say I''m either too qualified or not qualified enough!" She said, throwing her hands up in frustration.


    "I get that it sucks you can''t get a job in your field, but any job is better than no job. I can''t afford to support both of us on my salary. As long as you help with your half of rent, I''ll cover the rest," I said.


    I really couldn''t cover her half of the rent. I could cover everything else like I said, but not the entire rent and everything else.


    She moved out a few days later. Said she was going to live with her mom. Said she couldn''t deal with me anymore. I didn''t understand it. I thought our relationship was fine.


    I snapped back to the present. "You tried to control me!"


    "By asking you to get a job? By saying I couldn''t cover all our expenses? In what world is that controlling?" I said.


    "In my world it is!" She yelled.


    "Well, I''m sorry. I never wanted to make you feel that way. I just did what I thought would help us both survive," I said, swinging the burning sword at her.


    "Oh, really? You''re not the evil man that I built you up to be in my head?" Her expression softened and showed vulnerability.


    "I don''t think I am. I just wanted what was best for both of us. I loved you Sarah. I was crushed when you left. I didn''t know what I had done wrong, but I would have done anything to get you back," I said.


    "Really? I thought you hated me for being a drain on your resources. That you wanted me to get a job or leave," she said.


    "Hell no. I would have stuck it out with you even if you never got a job. It just would have been tight, money wise, and that scared me. I was worried we''d starve or go homeless. That''s all," I said.


    Sarah put her against my face and said, "Oh, Dave. I''m sorry. I don''t know what I was thinking."


    Then her heart medallion glowed purple and purple electricity crackled along her body and shocked her. It even shocked me some, before she pulled her hand away from my face. When it shocked me, I felt an overwhelming hatred towards her. I started to feel every tiny thing I disliked about our relationship bubble up and become enormous in my mind. It became all I could think about, and then it was gone.


    Is that what the medallion was doing to her? Was she being controlled by something or someone to act this way? It was the only conclusion I could come to. That was horrible.


    Sarah looked at me again with hatred in her eyes. "It''s too late for apologies. What''s done is done," she said. She tried to punch me but it did no damage to me and hurt her hand. "What is your face made of? Rocks?" She shook her hand out in pain.


    "Maybe?" I said. I swung the sword several more times, trying to cut the chain and free her of the pain the heart medallion was causing her, but I accidentally got her in the arm slightly, and that was it.


    She held the hourglass medallion and summoned a portal, presumably to the future, but I didn''t know for sure. "You may have won this time, but I''ll be back!" She jumped backwards into the portal.


    "No! Sarah! Don''t leave!" I said.


    The portal closed behind her. I started to feel pain in my abdomen that spread throughout my body. I collapsed to the ground in pain and curled into the fetal position. I stayed like that for a while.

 Chapter 7: Stranded

    I woke up on the ground with Lucifer offering his hand to pick me up. "Hey, buddy. You alright?"


    I looked up at him and took his hand. "I feel fine. I assume you healed me?" Lucifer pulled me to my feet. I grabbed Azrael''s sword off the ground and I looked at my torso. The hole in my shirt was still there, but the wound was gone.


    "Yep. Healed myself too. If I''m being honest, I faked dying so she wouldn''t finish me off. I didn''t want to leave you all alone after you defeated her. Which I had full confidence you would do," he said.


    "Yeah, right. I see you''re not above white lies," I said.


    "They''re called ''fibs'' and they don''t qualify as real lies because they''re not intended to be taken seriously. They just give the person fibbing plausible deniability because they didn''t actually admit the truth," he said.


    "Right. You keep telling yourself that," I said.


    "Don''t worry, I will," the Devil grinned wide.


    "So what now? Raphael''s dead and Lilith is trapped in the sword. We can''t stop the bank heist if we don''t know where it is and Lilith is presumably the only person who knows," I said.


    "She can just tell us through the sword," he said.


    "Wait, why do you talk so much like me?" I said. "Your speech patterns are very similar to mine. What''s that about?"


    "Oh, I adopt the speech patterns of people I''m in a bet or competition with. It makes them more relaxed and more likely to trust me and let their guard down. And that''s when I strike!" He said all proud of himself.


    "You must be really proud of yourself. Taking advantage of and manipulating people. Must make you feel a real big man," I said.


    "You know what? I do. I really do," he said wistfully.


    "You''re such an asshole," I said.


    "You take that back!" Lucifer said.


    "I won''t take something back when it''s true!" I said.


    "Ahhhh!!!" Lucifer yelled as he tackled me to the ground. Azrael''s sword went flying. Lucifer got on top of me and started slapping me. "Take it back!"


    "No!" I said, putting my hands up in front of my face.


    "Stop that! Take your beating like a man!" He said, trying to pull my hands away from my face.


    "I bet you wouldn''t if you were in my position," I said, slapping him instead.


    "I don''t have to because I''m not a man!" Lucifer said, holding hands with my hands and struggling.


    "If you''re not a man, then what are you?" I said, smashing our hands together to try to hurt him.


    "I''m a fallen angel. We don''t have genders," he said, bending my hands backwards at angles they weren''t supposed to go. It didn''t hurt since I was invincible, though.


    "Wait, so you''re like a ken doll down there?" I said, headbutting him.


    "No, I have a penis," he said, returning the headbutt. "And balls."


    "Wait, then, how are you not a man?" I asked, kicking him off me.


    "I am not defined by my genitals!" He yelled as he dove at me.


    "I guess I don''t disagree with you!" I yelled as I kicked him off and pushed him back into the air and behind me.


    "Good! We''re in agreement that I''m not an asshole," he said as he landed on his back behind me.


    "I didn''t say that!" I said, getting up and turning around.


    My eyes widened as I saw Azrael''s sword was stuck in the ground between Lucifer''s legs. Its proximity to his aforementioned penis and balls was not what concerned me. What concerned me is that it was sinking into the ground vertically.


    "Grab it!" I yelled, pointing at the sword. I was ten feet away. Much too far to grab it myself. It would sink into the ground by the time I got there.


    "Ok, I guess," Lucifer grabbed his crotch.


    "That''s not what I meant," I said. "Grab the sword!"


    "I just did," he said, looking down at his crotch. That''s when he noticed the sword sinking into the ground. His eyes widened as he realized the implications. "Oh, shit!" He tried to grab it, but it was too late. The sword had sunk too far into the ground to pull it out. Only a small portion of the hilt was sticking out. Lucifer grabbed it with his fingertips but he couldn''t get a good grip on such a small portion of the sword and it sank the rest of the way into the ground and disappeared.


    "Fuck!" I said, holding my head.


    "Fuck!" Lucifer said, grabbing his crotch again.


    "Why is that the first thing you grab when the worst thing possible happens?" I asked.


    "It''s reassuring," he said.


    "Reassuring how?" I said.


    "Reassuring that at least I still have my boys with me," he said.


    "You''re weird," I said.


    "I take that as a compliment," he said.


    "Take it however you want. We need to get that sword back! Who makes a sword where the hilt is the same width as the blade?" I said. "Not only is our only lead trapped in it, but it''s also our only way to destroy the devil''s trap. Who knows where we are now? We could be trapped in the middle of a desert for all we know. That would leave us stranded. We can''t use the Gostelf corridor because Raphael was the only one who knew how to access it. And now he''s dead! We''re fucked!"


    "You don''t know that we''re in a desert. We could be in the city somewhere," he said.


    "Let''s find out. Sarah blew a hole through a wall over there. Let''s take that and see if it leads outside," I said, pointing into the dark in the direction I remembered the hole being.


    "There''s no light coming from it. That''s not a good sign. Maybe it''s nighttime?" He said.


    We walked over to the hole and walked through. Lucifer pulled his overhead light through the hole. It was dark out and we were standing on asphalt. There were no lights or buildings to be seen anywhere, which also wasn''t a good sign. I started walking in a straight line away from the building, and Lucifer followed.Enjoying this book? Seek out the original to ensure the author gets credit.


    "Where are you going?" He said.


    "I''m trying to see if the asphalt leads to street or a road or what I fear, sand and shrubbery," I said as we came upon the point where the asphalt ended. It ended where sand and shrubbery began. "Shit. It''s a desert. We''re trapped in a fucking desert miles away from civilization at night.


    "Hey, at least we''re not in a desert in the daytime," he said.


    As if to punctuate his statement, the sky began to become markedly brighter.


    "Oh no," I said.


    "What?" Lucifer said, apparently not noticing it.


    "It''s about to be daytime very soon," I said. "Look at the sky."


    "Shit, you''re right. We better get moving then," he said. He began walking out onto the sand.


    "What are you doing?" I said.


    "What do you mean? We need to get to civilization somehow," he said.


    "Just because it''s a building in the middle of nowhere doesn''t mean it doesn''t have a parking lot or a road to get here. If we take the road, we''re more likely to reach civilization faster," I said.


    "Oh, right," he said, smacking his forehead. "Duh."


    "We just need to walk around the building to find the road leading here," I said.


    "Right," he said. "Let''s do that then. Left or right?"


    "Left," I said.


    "Why left?" He asked.


    "Because it''s the first thing that popped into my mind. Does it matter? Either way, we''ll get where we''re going," I said.


    "Well, I want to go right. I''m still upset with you and I need a moment alone," he said.


    "That''s fair I guess. You go right, I''ll go left," I said. I started walking left.


    "What if I want to go left?" He said.


    "Now you''re just being obnoxious," I said.


    "You''re right. I am. You got a problem with that?" He said.


    "No, I guess not. Just don''t get lost," I said, walking right.


    Lucifer walked left, taking the floating light with him and leaving me without a light to guide my steps. I threw my hands up. "Great. Just great. One of the most powerful beings in existence is throwing a pity party for himself, and I''m stuck in the dark."


    The sky was starting to get light enough and my eyes were adjusting to the dark to the point that I could mostly see, so it wasn''t as big of a problem as I thought it would be, but I was still annoyed. Why was he acting like such a baby? He was an asshole. He was the Devil, for Christ''s sake! He was literally famous for being an asshole.


    Wait! My karmic rebalancing ability. Maybe I could get the sword back! I internally pressed the mental button that activated the ability and the scales snapped back into balance. A solid metal black flashlight appeared in my hand and it was on. Wow! That''s all the juice I had in the tank? A flashlight so I could see in the dark? Now that was just disappointing. I mean, I guess I didn''t earn much karma by slap fighting the devil. And my invincibility was on, so I didn''t get hurt at all. Speaking of getting hurt, my jaw still hurt from when Raphael and Lucifer punched me. I guess his heals had to be targeted. They weren''t fix alls.


    How were we going to get the sword back? For all I knew, it was traveling towards the center of the earth. I needed to ask Lucifer about that when we met up around the side of the building. I walked around the side of the large rectangular building, pointing my flashlight at the building every so often. There wasn''t anything peculiar or interesting about it other than it was a building in the middle of the desert. But that wasn''t that strange. I''d seen building seemingly in the middle of nowhere while driving before. Everyone has. Didn''t know what they were for, but I didn''t ask questions and as far as I knew, no one else did either.


    As I thought more about it on a personal level, I could understand why he didn''t like being labeled as an asshole so badly. I mean, I wouldn''t like it. Just because a person has done a lot of wrong, didn''t mean they enjoyed being called an asshole all of a sudden. And those kinds of things tended to wear on a person. The more you get called something negative, the more it wears on you until you finally snap. Maybe this was just his snapping moment. I''m sure he''d been called that a lot over the many years he''s been alive. The media painted him that way. Just because it was right didn''t mean it didn''t hurt him.


    When I came around the side of the building, I saw a small parking lot with two cars parked in the lot. The best I could guess is they belonged to Sarah and the tentacle monster. I don''t know how such a massive thing could fit into a car to drive, but one of the cars was a pickup. Maybe it sat in the back.


    I saw Lucifer come around the corner of the building shortly after I did. He didn''t look as upset as he did before. Maybe he had time to cool off like I did.


    When we got within speaking distance, I said, "I''m sorry I called you an asshole."


    "It''s all good, bro. I am an asshole. I just don''t like to admit it," Lucifer said.


    "I get it, man. Now, what you say we go hot wire a car real quick?" I said, pointing at the pickup.


    "You know how to do that?" He said.


    "Don''t you?" I said.


    "No. Why would I know that?" He said.


    "But you''re the Devil. Aren''t you supposed to be good at everything, especially mischief?" I said.


    "That''s largely exaggerated. I''m just a fallen angel. Nothing more, nothing less. If anything, I''m less skilled than most people, because I don''t spend much time on Earth. Believe or not, being the Devil is a full-time job. They''re probably running around like chickens with their heads cut off down there without me." He said.


    "Then how are going to hot-wire this car?" I said.


    "I thought you were going to do it." Lucifer said.


    "I don''t know how to do that. I''m a degenerate gambler with a minor ability to read people. I''m not a car thief." I said.


    "Then I guess we aren''t hot-wiring a car," Lucifer said. He paused for a beat, then he said, "Try the visor trick!"


    "The what now?" I said.


    "You know the thing where the hero jumps into a car and the keys are in the visor?" He said.


    I stared at him incredulously. "You think that happens in real life?" I said.


    "Just try it. For me?" He said, putting his hands together pleadingly.


    "Fine," I said. I tried opened both cars. Both were locked. "They''re locked. Guess your visor trick didn''t pan out."


    "Break the windows," he said.


    "You think they would lock the cars with the keys behind the visor?" I said, staring at him, shocked.


    "I guess not. I didn''t really think that one through," he said.


    "Clearly. I guess we''re walking," I said. "Wait. Maybe we can use my karmic rebalancing ability. Beat me up and make it hurt."


    "Didn''t I already do that?" He said.


    "I won that fight and you know it," I said.


    "Fine," he said, snapping his fingers. He got into a fighting stance. "Wahhh!!! Hiya!" He punched me in the chest, sending me flying and tumbling along the ground.


    "Are those sound effects really necessary?" I said, getting up.


    "No, but I do it anyway, because they''re fun and they make me feel like I''m in a kung fu movie. Watahh!!" He punched me again, sending me flying again and tumbling on the ground.


    "This is taking a lot longer than I expected," I said, coughing up blood. "Wait! Wait! I''m coughing up blood. That can''t be good."


    "It certainly isn''t," he said, waving his hand over me, healing me. "I can''t have you dying on me and winning that bet."


    "Of course, that''s the first thing you think of," I said. "I''m going to try the karmic rebalancing thing now."


    I held my hand out and pressed the mental button, preparing for a set of keys to fall into my hand. I was not prepared for what actually fell into my hand. Ten thousand dollars. A nice neat rather small stack of cash.


    "Ok, that helps nothing," I said, staring at it.


    "Want me to beat you up again?" Lucifer said, cracking his knuckles.


    "No, I''m good. The first time was unpleasant enough. Let''s just walk," I said.


    There was a road leading out of the parking lot and off into the desert. We started walking. As we were walking, I said, "How are we even going to get the sword back? It''s probably halfway to China by now."


    "If we''re lucky, the Mole People will have it," he said.


    "The who?" I said.


    "The Mole People," he said.


    "Oh, yeah. Why didn''t I think of that?" I said.


    "I don''t know. Why didn''t you think of it?" He said.


    "Because Mole People don''t exist!" I said.


    "Yes they do," he said.


    "They do?" I said, raising an eyebrow.


    "Sure they do. My father made them when he was building the underground atmosphere generators. Someone has to maintain them," he said.


    "There are underground atmosphere generators? Couldn''t God just wave his magic hands and make the atmosphere exist?" I said.


    "First, don''t say that name in my presence. Second, then he would have to maintain the atmosphere with those same magic hands. Too much work," Lucifer said.


    "So he made Mole People whose sole job it is to maintain these generators?" I said, still not sure I believed him.


    "Yes," he said matter-of-factly.


    "Ok. How are we going to get down there?" I said.


    "The Subterranean Elevator, of course. Well, one of them. There are many," he said.


    "Ok. Are there any nearby?" I said.


    "How would I know? I don''t know where we are," he said.


    "Right. Don''t you have like internal GPS or something?" I said.


    "I do, but devil''s traps screw it up. I would call one of my fallen brothers to come pick us up, but devil''s traps work on all fallen angels, so they''re just as screwed as we are right now," he said.


    "We need to destroy that devil''s trap soon or they''ll get trapped out here too."


    "Wait, you''re not the only Devil?" I said.


    "No. I am the only Devil, but there are devils, lower-case d. It''s a title, but it''s also a category. Devil is a term used for all fallen angels," he said.


    "I feel like I''m learning so much right now," I said.


    "You are, but let''s shut that off for now. I want to let my mind rest while we walk. Too much is happening too fast, and I''m getting a little overwhelmed," Lucifer said.


    "Ok. Let''s walk then," I said.


    And we did. We walked for miles before hitting the first sign of civilization. It was a diner, of course. It was appropriately named the Nowhere Diner. Boy, was I happy to see it. I was glad I kept that $10,000, because before that I was flat broke. I was getting waffles!

 Chapter 8: The Nowhere Diner

    "This is the best thing since sliced Jesus!" The Devil said as he wolfed down pumpkin spice pancakes.


    I stared at him for a long time, eventually breaking the silence by saying, "What is wrong with you?"


    Lucifer looked up with pancake in his mouth. "What?" Bits of pancake exploded out of his mouth and onto his plate.


    "Don''t talk with your mouth full," I said. "Didn''t your mother teach you any manners?"


    "I don''t have a mother," he said, a single tear trailing down his cheek.


    "Oh, shit. I''m sorry," I said with genuine sympathy. I didn''t realize how untraditional his upbringing was. He wasn''t born. He was just created, fully grown. That must have been hell. I actually felt bad for him. It clearly did him no favors.


    Lucifer wiped the tear away. "It''s ok. I didn''t need one. I turned out alright."


    "Right," I said, not wanting to point out the many things wrong with that statement.


    The waitress walked up to our booth and said, "Coffee refill?"


    "Yes, please," I said, pushing my empty cup in her direction.


    "Thank you, uh, Doris," Lucifer said, making a point to look at her name tag. Just the thing he joked he would never do.


    I wondered how much of that was sincere thanks and how much of it was him just mimicking me to make me think we were bonding until he fucked me over like he had fucked over every other person who thought he was their friend. I would have to keep a close eye on him and try to stay emotionally detached. At least until I''d hopefully won the bet by some miracle. Or in this case, by some tragic accident, killing me before he can.


    "You''re welcome, hun," she said, pouring coffee for Lucifer and I.


    "This is going to sound strange, but where are we?" I asked Doris, the waitress.


    "That doesn''t sound strange at all," she said. "You''re in Nevada. The number one state for people to wake up after a wild night out and end up in. You missed Vegas by a bit, though."


    "If we''re not in Vegas, then where are we?" I said.


    "You''re in Beatty, Nevada. You missed the bright lights of Vegas by about two hours, and the skeezy brothels of Pahrump by about an hour. But hey, you''re on the way to Death Valley!"


    "Oh, great. Death is just the thing I need right now," I said.


    "I know hangovers suck, especially when you''re not 16 anymore and can bounce right back from a night of drinking, but you shouldn''t joke about death like that. It might actually sneak up on you if you''re not careful," Doris said.


    "I know, but if you knew the night we had, you''d understand. Wait, don''t you mean 21?" I said looking up at her from leaning exhaustedly on the table.


    "Nope," she said with a straight face. "Why don''t you hit me with it? I''m always up for adding new crazy stories to my collection."


    "Ok. I got stabbed and so did he," I pointed at Lucifer. "The hospital fixed us up and discharged us, but it was certainly a lot of pain and excitement I didn''t need. And the worst thing is, it was my ex-girlfriend that did it."


    "Wow! That is a wild night out. It''s not particularly extraordinary, especially the ex-girlfriend part, but certainly a new one in my book," she said, taking notes on her notepad. I''m pretty sure that was supposed to be used for customer orders, but who was I to question her use of her own notepad?


    "If you want extraordinary, I''ll tell you what she stabbed us with. A sword she had lit on fire!" I said.


    "Ok, that is extraordinary! Good job. Let me pick my jaw up off the floor real quick." She actually bent down to pick up her imaginary jaw from the floor. She wrote furiously in her notepad, then she leaned in. "Can I see the wounds?"


    "Sure," I said. I looked at Lucifer and said, "Lucy, let''s show her the wounds." I winked with my opposite eye so she couldn''t see it. I expected him to magically put bandages on us or something.


    Lucifer casually waved his hand and then lifted up his shirt. There was a burned stitched up vertical stab wound in his abdomen. I lifted my shirt up, and I had a similar wound to show her.


    Doris''s eye went wide, and she said, "Oh my God!" She reached out as if to touch our wounds and then pulled her hand back. "Those are real! Really real! How are you two even conscious? Did you take anything for the pain? Let me get you two some pies on the house. My daddy always said pie was good for the soul, and stab wounds."


    "Did he really say that?" Lucifer said.


    "Shut up you. Don''t you know not to tease a woman about her jokes?" I said.


    "No. No one taught me any manners, remember? I didn''t have a mom to do that. Remember?" He said.


    "Oh yeah. I forgot," I said.


    "He''s right, you know. You don''t tease women about their jokes. I''m sorry to hear your mother wasn''t in your life. That sounds worse than growing up without a father. Your mother is supposed to instill love into your heart. I can''t imagine what my life would be like without my mother," she said.


    "No, I mean I didn''t¡ª" Lucifer started to say.


    "How about that pie?" I said, interrupting him. "What flavors do you have?"


    "Too many," she said, smiling. "Just name a flavor, and I''ll tell you if we have it."


    "Ok. I''ll go with something simple. You have to have apple pie, right? I mean, what''s a collection of pies without apple? That''s like selling dress shirts in every color except white," I said.This story is posted elsewhere by the author. Help them out by reading the authentic version.


    "Right, you are, young man. We do have apple. Did you want that by itself or ¨¤ la mode?"


    "¨¤ la mode, please," I said, grinning at her.


    "Do you have anything spicy?" Lucifer asked.


    "You want spicy pie?" She said incredulously.


    "Oh. I meant more like pumpkin spicy. Those pancakes were delicious and I can''t get enough of this pumpkin spice stuff!"


    "Oh, that makes sense. Yeah, we have that. We have pumpkin spice everything right now. Tis the season to be Fall-y," she said.


    "I like what you did there," I said, pointing finger guns at her.


    "Thank you very much," she said, doing a light curtsy.


    I waited for a beat and then said, "Do you know of a bus or taxi service that could take us back to LA? We really did just wake up here without a car or any means of transportation."


    "No, sorry. We don''t have any taxis out here over even Uber, and the closest charter bus services are hours away in Vegas and I think in Reno too," she said with a worried look on her face. And her face lit up like a light bulb had gone off. "Actually, my cousin Tommy does long distance tow truck services. Maybe he''d give you a ride. For reasonable compensation, of course. I hope you didn''t wake up here without your wallet."


    "No, I have my wallet," I said, patting my pocket with the money in it. "I actually have cash on me, if that works better."


    "If we were in the city, I''d tell you to keep your voice down, unless you want someone to rob you, but out here in this peaceful little town, you''re fine. Yeah, cash would probably be preferable. No taxes that way," she said with a wink.


    "Of course," I said, laughing. "Well, that sounds great. When do you think we could get that ride? Do we need to wait til later after he''s off work or something?"


    "No, he sets his own hours. As long as he''s not doing a job right now, he can be around in twenty minutes, I''d say. Let me text him and find out," she said. "I''ll be right back." She walked into the back, pulling her phone out.


    "Good work," Lucifer said. "But we should go to Vegas instead."


    "Why? Because it''s called ''Sin City''?" I said.


    "No. Because that''s where the closest subterranean elevator is," he said. "Although her previous mention of brothels does have me a little worked up."


    "No. Stop that! Bad Lucifer! We''re not delaying saving Lilith and getting the sword back so you can visit a brothel and impregnate all the women there," I said.


    "Hey, I''m not a fool! I wrap my tool. I don''t want to pay child support," he said.


    "Regardless, it''s time we don''t have to spend," I said.


    "Fine. We''ll go straight to the elevator. Despite how fun it would be to manipulate your karma ability for financial gain," he said.


    "Yes, despite how fun it would be for you to beat the life out of me and exchange my misery and suffering for cash, we need to stay focused," I said. "I do love me a good gamble, but saving the world is far too important and pressing to waste time on that right now."


    "Wow. Look at you being responsible. My little man''s growing up," he said, putting his hand on my shoulder.


    "While I appreciate the encouragement, I feel obligated to say, you''re not my real dad and I''ll never call you my dad, so stop trying to make me," I said, laughing. Dumb jokes. Sometimes I couldn''t help myself.


    "Well, Dave, your mother and I have discussed it and we think you should call me Dad from now on," Lucifer said in a sterotypical dad''s voice, playing into my joke.


    "You two look like you''re having fun," Doris said, walking back up to our booth. "Have you been friends long?"


    "Oh, yeah. So long. Try last night," Lucifer said.


    "Yeah, we actually met at a Halloween party last night. That''s how we ended up in Nevada somehow," I said.


    "Oh. You know, sometimes chance meetings can lead to the longest friendships," she said. "My cousin Tommy says he can come right now."


    "That''s great! Minor change in destination. We need to get to Vegas. Apparently, we left some friends there we need to meet up with. But since I did initially say LA was our destination, what if I paid Tommy the same as I would if we were going to LA?" I said.


    "Wow! You don''t need to do that, but Tommy could really use the money. There really isn''t that much towing business in a town of 800 people," she said.


    "I understand," I said. "Let Tommy know we''re ready now." I got up and dropped $300 on the table. "That''s for the food, the coffee, the hospitality, and for saving our asses from being stranded in the middle of nowhere."


    Doris picked up the money and said, "Thanks! You do know your food was only $30, right?"


    "I know. The rest is your tip. Sorry, I didn''t give more," I said. "Actually, here you go. Do something nice for yourself or maybe put it towards your mortgage." I handed her $700 more. I would''ve given more, but I didn''t know what random expenses might come up during our investigation.


    "Wow! Thank you!" She said, hugging me. I didn''t expect it and I awkwardly patted her back.


    "No problem," I said. "I just happened to have the cash on me." Which was true. I didn''t have to mention that it technically wasn''t mine. Well, I guess it was now, but I had no idea where it came from.


    "God bless you," she said.


    Lucifer winced at the mention of the word. He stood up from the table as well.


    "I''m sure he does," I said. "Thank you."


    We walked out of the diner into the hot Nevada weather. We weren''t waiting more than a few minutes when a tow truck pulled up and the driver rolled down the window. "Are you fellas, the people I''m picking up?"


    "Yes, sir," I said.


    He was older, like Doris. They both seemed to be in their 50s. He had salt-and-pepper greying hair, and a well trimmed white beard. He wore a mechanic''s jumpsuit with the nametag "Tommy" on it. Lucifer and I squeezed into his truck. There was only one seat, but luckily, it was built to sit three. I handed Tommy $1,500, and his eyes bugged out.


    "$1,500 for a two-hour drive? Are you crazy?" He said, shaking the money.


    "Nope. Just, generous," I said.


    "You got that right," he said, putting the car in drive.


    It was a two-hour drive, like he said. We sat without speaking, listening to the radio play oldies the whole way. He dropped us off at a familiar location. It read, "The Last Temptation Casino."


    "Well, you fellas have a good day now, you hear?" Tommy said.


    "Thanks again," I said.


    "We appreciate it," Lucifer said, very lackluster.


    Good thing Tommy didn''t notice. He just nodded his head, smiled, and drove off into the sunset. Not literally. It was still morning. About 10 am, I would have guessed.


    "Meph has a subterranean elevator?" I said.


    "Yes. He''s one of the few people I can trust to guard one well," he said, straightening his tie. "Man, it was stuffy in there."


    "I didn''t think it was that bad, but to each their own, I guess," I said, shrugging.


    When we walked into the casino, the guards took us up to Mephistopheles'' office, but this time they weren''t as hostile. They understood we were welcome guests.


    Mephistopheles did his turning around in his chair routine again and said, "What brings you back so soon?"


    "I''ll tell you what brings us back so soon!" I yelled. Then softly, I said, "We need to borrow your elevator."


    "Which one?" He said.


    "You have others?" I said.


    "Let''s keep the other elevators need to know," Lucifer said. "We need to use your subterranean elevator."


    "Yeah, well, I need to know about these other elevators," I said.


    "Shush you. If you''re good, I might show them to you sometime," Lucifer said.


    "Will this be before or after you kill me?" I said.


    "Ugh. Just come on!" Lucifer said.


    Mephistopheles pulled out a key ring and opened what looked like a bookcase, but after he unlocked it, he slid it to the side to reveal a service elevator. As far as service elevators go, it was unremarkable other than being bright red. Then he put a key into the panel next to the elevator and turned the key to turn it on and open the door. I looked at the key and then at him suspiciously.


    He noticed my look. "Don''t worry. The elevator can''t be shut down when it''s down there. So you won''t get trapped."


    "But then you can just call the elevator up and shut it down," I said.


    "I won''t do that. Even if I did somehow do that, there are other subterranean elevators designed to bring people to the surface that can''t be shut down from the top," he said, smiling devilishly. Sorry. Demonically. I have to make sure I use the right terminology.


    Lucifer stepped inside and said, "Shall we?"


    "Sure," I said, stepping inside.


    There were only two buttons. ''L'' for ''Lobby'' and SB for ''Sub-Basement'', Lucifer told me. He pressed ''SB''. The doors closed, and we began to descend into the deep recesses of the earth.

 Chapter 9: The Mole People v. Dave

    After Lucifer pressed the button to take us to the sub-basement and the elevator door closed, the elevator rapidly accelerated down. It accelerated so quickly that I flew up and slammed against the ceiling. At the same time, Lucifer did a half backflip and landed with his feet on the ceiling. He stood up on the ceiling and stayed like that comfortably.


    "Ow," I said. "Why didn''t you tell me that would happen?"


    "It''s funnier this way," he said, pointing and laughing at me.


    "It''s good to know you have the maturity of a twelve-year-old," I said, standing up.


    We stayed that way for a few minutes before the elevator started to slow down and we gently drifted back to the floor. I awkwardly righted myself and stood back up as the elevator slowed to a stop and dinged. The door to the elevator opened and hot moist air wafted in. We stepped out onto a steel platform. I stared out into a vast darkness without a light in sight.


    Lucifer put something in my hands and said, "Wear these. The mole people don''t like bright lights, so I can''t use my floaty light down here."


    In the dim light from the open elevator door, I fumbled with what appeared to be night vision goggles. Once I had them securely fastened to my head, Lucifer flicked a switch on them and they turned on. I looked back out, away from the steel platform, and suddenly felt dizzy. We were hundreds of feet above the ground without a visible way down that I could see. Out in what was once just darkness, I could see massive generators running and producing steam. Mole people walked between the machines in semi-organized fashion.


    I had an overwhelming urge to hug them. They were so cute and small. They were about half my height and covered in soft fur. I heard a noise to my left and saw a platform lift rise up, level with the platform we were on. There were several mole people on the platform in work uniforms.


    They came up to us and the one in front said, "Hi. My name is Timothy, which I understand in your surface speak is pronounced ''Tim''. So you may call me Tim. To what do we owe the pleasure of the presence of surface dwellers in our humble work and living space?" He took his work hat off when he said this.


    "We wish to retrieve something that may have accidentally found its way down here through pure coincidence and no fault of our own," Lucifer said. He leaned in toward me. "Follow my lead and say nothing unless directly spoken to. They do things a little different down here. Understand?"


    "Understood," I said. He was acting very out of character for him. Like he was actually nervous of these people. It concerned me.


    "Oh. We have happened upon a strange and dangerous artifact that fell down here not too long ago. It appears to be some sort of weapon. Is this the ''something'' you to which you refer?" Tim said.


    "I apologize for my frankness, but it severely injured and crippled Jonathan, who you may call Jon. He can no longer work, so he will soon be put out of commission, instead of leaving him to slowly rot away in solitude for being lame and unuseful."


    "I''m sorry. Put out of commission? What do you mean?" I said.


    "Speak only when spoken to, I said!" Lucifer said to me, then turned back to Tim. "I am deeply apologetic, but this one often speaks out of turn. He is not right in the head, you see."


    "I am sorry to hear that. We can put him out of commission as well, if you so desire such a result? ''Two birds with one stone,'' as you surface dwellers say?" Tim said.


    "I am very grateful for your generous offer, but I am afraid I will have to decline. We like to clean up our own refuse, if you understand what I am referring to?" Lucifer said.


    "Oh, yes. We too like to ''clean up our own messes,'' as you say," Tim winked.


    "Indubitably," Lucifer nodded his head and winked back.


    "The time for the ceremony draws near, so I politely request that you accompany us to it. We will see to the matter of returning the artifact to your custody in due time," he said.


    "Please construct a path upon which we may walk," Lucifer said.


    "Indubitably," Tim said.


    "Indubitably," Lucifer said.


    Tim led the group of adorable mole people and us to a public square where Jon sat in a chair on an elevated platform with a clear glass helmet around his head and a high-tech collar at the base. It appeared the mole people used quite advanced technology compared to us surface dwellers. I mean, compared to humans. Jon was missing a leg, but otherwise looked fine and healthy.


    Tim led us up to the platform and pulled a small microphone out of his work uniform. "Hear ye, hear ye. I, Timothy, or Tim, shall conduct this decommissioning ceremony. As you all understand, Jonathan, or Jon, will be deprived of oxygen until his life functions have ceased. This is the ruling of the mole people."


    "And let it be so!" the gathered mole people in the square all shouted at once.


    This wasn''t right. It was Lucifer''s and my fault he was injured. If we hadn''t fought, none of this would have happened. I turned to Lucifer. "Heal him."


    "No," Lucifer said.


    "Why not?" I said.


    "I don''t want to turn them against us," he said.


    "You''re afraid of these little creatures?" I said.


    "No, I''m afraid of what my father will do to me if I hurt any of them," he said.


    "What do you think he''ll do to you if you don''t save the one who is about to die because of us?" I said.


    "What are you talking about? It was your fault for calling me an asshole," he said.


    "Do you think your father will see it that way?" I said.


    Lucifer''s head sagged. After a moment, he said, "Probably not."


    "Right. Now save him," I said.


    "Fine!" Lucifer said. Lucifer came up to Tim and grabbed the microphone, saying, "I regret to or happily inform you, depending on your perspective, that this decommissioning ceremony will not be performed due to my need to rectify the circumstances under which it is required."Find this and other great novels on the author''s preferred platform. Support original creators!


    Then he handed the microphone back to Tim and walked over to Jon. Lucifer waved his hand over Jon''s stump. As Lucifer waved his hand, Jon''s leg appeared behind it as if my magic. No regeneration or anything. Just no leg, then leg.


    Tim spoke into the microphone and said, "Ladies and gentlemoles, I do not believe what it is that I am seeing. Lord Lucifer, first of his name, has healed Jonathan''s, or Jon''s, leg! Oh, joyous day! Jonathan, or Jon, may continue to work among us as all mole people should."


    "I have one query. What is it you are referring to when you say, "rectify"? That implies that some wrong has been committed."


    Lucifer snatched the microphone from Tim again and said, "You are most correct, good sir, Tim. A wrong has been committed. By this man!" Lucifer pointed at me. "He is the one who dropped the artifact that injured good sir Jon."


    Tim grabbed the microphone back and said, "Guards, restrain this man! He will face trial for the wrong he has committed!"


    I looked at Lucifer. "What are you doing?"


    Lucifer slowly walked up to me and lowered his voice. "Giving you what you asked for," he said. "You wanted me to heal him, so I did."


    "Yeah, but you didn''t have to tell them I dropped the sword!" I said.


    One of the mole guards attached high tech looking cuffs to my wrists, and another attached cuffs to my ankles. My wrists and ankles snapped together as some force, probably magnetism, pulled them toward each other.


    "That''s not how it works down here," Lucifer said. "People don''t do kind things without a reason and people don''t do cruel things without a reason. Everything has to have a reason. If I had healed him without blaming you, they would have suspected I had done something wrong and I''d be in your position. And I very much do not want to be in your position. You don''t know what kind of trouble you''re in. They have ways of dealing with invincible people that horrify even me."


    "Wow. Thanks for throwing me under the bus to save your own ass," I said.


    "You''re welcome," Lucifer said. "Hey, I never said I was a nice person. You assumed that."


    "I guess I''ve learned my lesson, huh?" I said glaring at him.


    "Have you?" Lucifer said, raising his eyebrows. "Because you still seem to think we''re friends. We are not friends. Temporary allies. That''s all. You volunteered to help prevent the apocalypse, and I took you up on your offer. Nothing more. Now, I get to walk away with the sword and Lilith, and more importantly, the information that will help me stop the apocalypse while you rot away down here in my place."


    "Screw you," I said.


    "When and where, young man. When and where," he said, with a shit-eating grin.


    I struggled with the cuffs, just trying to get into a less uncomfortable position, but I realized the cuffs were too strong for me to do anything. Even if I wanted to break out, I couldn''t. Just because I was invincible didn''t mean I had super strength. "I hope I never see your ugly face ever again."


    "Hey, take that back," he said. "I have a handsome face."


    "No. I won''t," I said.


    "Fine," he said and walked away. He didn''t disappear into the crowd like he probably intended to. The mole people were half his height, so he towered over them, but he stood a good hundred feet away and watched.


    "Would you kindly decrease the force intensity on the ankle cuffs?" Tim said to a guard. The guard pressed a button on a remote and my ankles stopped being forced together.


    They pushed me along and led me out of the square. The cuffs made my steps slow and difficult, but I was walking at the same pace as the tiny mole people, so I didn''t fall behind. I wondered if I could just escape and run away, but with the cuffs being able to fully pull my ankles together, I wouldn''t get far. I asked myself why I didn''t stop them from putting the cuffs on me in the first place. One half of the answer was that I didn''t want to hurt them, and the other half was that I underestimated their capabilities.


    We arrived at what looked like a stereotypical court house. It had the stone steps and the pillars outside and the writing etched in stone. It was just smaller. Lucifer and I fit inside, but only because court houses were designed with high ceilings. They were high for the mole people, but normal for us. The court house was set against a cave wall. I wasn''t sure what that was about, but it seemed important.


    I searched deep within my soul to see if I still found these mole people who were so dangerous that they even scared Lucifer, cute, and unfortunately, the answer was yes. I was still actively underestimating them. I still thought what could they possibly do to me that it scared even an immortal being like lucifer? The only thing I had working for me, was that I knew I was underestimating them. I couldn''t imagine how, but I knew whatever it was, I should be scared of it. And I was.


    They walked us into a courtroom and Tim climbed up to the judge''s chair and sat down. He pulled judge''s robes from behind the seat and put them on. Jon stood below the judge''s chair. The guards had removed his suffocation helmet.


    "Will all please rise for the honorable judge, Timothy, or Tim, as surface dwellers may prefer?" Jon said.


    Jon was the bailiff? What the hell? This felt like a nightmare. The person who I had convinced Lucifer to save was going to be part of the proceedings to put me to death, or worse. I knew it was the right thing to do morally, but boy did I wonder if I had made a terrible mistake in terms of my personal well-being.


    Everyone was already standing, since we had just walked in here. Lucifer stood in the back, looking very amused.


    Tim cleared his throat. "You may be seated," he said while adjusting his robes. "We are gathered here on this day to proceed on the unfortunate incident involving criminal negligence resulting in worker incapacitation, which caused the necessity of a decommissioning ceremony. It is only by the grace of Lord Lucifer that Jonathan, or Jon, was spared of his fate."


    He shuffled paper on his desk. "For the record, please state your name as it appears on surface documents."


    "Dave," I said.


    "Your full legal name. As I understand it, children on the surface are always born with at least a first and last name, most often but not always with a middle name." The judge said.


    I sighed. "Beauregard David Daverson."


    "No way! That is precious!" I heard Lucifer say from the back.


    "We didn''t ask for comments from the peanut gallery," I said.


    Tim slammed his gavel. "Order! I will have order in this court!"


    "I apologize, your honor," I said.


    "See that it doesn''t happen again," Tim said.


    "Yes, sir," I said. I figured I might as well keep the peace while I was here. I didn''t want to make whatever awaited me worse.


    "Beauregard, what is your current occupation?" Tim asked.


    "Please, just call me Dave," I said.


    "Very well, I will heed the defendant''s personal request in how he is addressed, by henceforth referring to him simply as, Dave," he said.


    "Thank you, your honor," I said.


    "Dave, what is your current occupation?" He asked.


    "Unemployed bookkeeper," I said.


    "He failed to mention his illustrious former career in gambling!" Lucifer said.


    "An interruption from the gallery is most irregular. Despite our debt to you, great Lord Lucifer, please refrain from offering further commentary," Tim said.


    "My apologies, your honor," Lucifer said.


    "Duly noted. Now, please continue Dave," he said, leaning on the desk.


    "Bookkeeper and former professional poker player," I said through gritted teeth.


    "Defendant once supported himself by resorting to gambling," Tim said as he wrote something down.


    A murmur of disapproval made its way through the courtroom.


    "Order!" Tim said slamming his tiny gavel three times.


    "Damn it," I said under my breath.


    "What was that, Dave? I was unable to ascertain the contents of your statement," Tim said.


    "I was simply expressing my dissatisfaction with my current predicament to myself," I said. Oh no. I was talking like them now. Wait. Maybe I should take a note from Lucifer''s book and talk like this on purpose. Yes. That is what I do.


    "That is understandable, Dave, but please do try to keep those utterances to within your own mind. We do not desire for these proceedings to take any longer than is strictly necessary," he said.


    "Yes, your honor," I said.


    Someone walked up to Jon and handed him a roll of paper, and walked back. Jon looked at the scroll and said, "The prosecution wishes to present the formal charges, your honor."


    "You may proceed, Jonathan, or Jon," Tim, the judge said.


    Jon unrolled a freshly inked scroll. Jon got some of it on his shirt accidentally, but didn''t seem to notice. "The defendant stands accused of the following: One count of criminal negligence resulting in worker incapacitation, and one count of causing emotional distress and pain to the worker in question."


    Tim nodded. "Grave charges. Grave charges indeed. Does the defendant have legal representation, or shall we appoint one of our legal experts?"


    Before I could answer, a mole person wearing a well-tailored suit scurried forward to my defendant''s table. He sat down in the chair next to me.


    "Hi, my name is Bartholomew, but you may call be Bart, as you are a surface dweller," he said quickly grabbing my hand and shaking it without my consent.


    "Ok," I said in mild shock.


    "Now that the defendant has representation, how does your client plead?"


    Bart stood up and said, "My client pleads guilty, your honor."


    "What?" I said. What the hell was going on? Was I being set up?

 Chapter 10: Just Dave

    "My client wishes to plead guilty," Bart said.


    "What?" I said. "We didn''t discuss that! We haven''t discussed anything!"


    "Bartholomew, or Bart, would you kindly confer with your client what it is that he has chosen to plead?" Tim said.


    Bart leaned over to me and talked quietly, so I had to scrunch down to hear him due to our height difference. "If you plead guilty, he''ll give you a lighter sentence. I know this judge. You want a lighter sentence. Trust me."


    "What kind of sentences are we talking here? And how much lighter is lighter?" I whispered.


    "1 year of imprisonment vs 1 hour of imprisonment," he said.


    "Oh. I think I''ll take the 1 hour please and thank you," I said.


    "That''s what I thought," he said.


    My lawyer, Bart, stood up and said, "My client has confirmed that he wants to plead guilty."


    Tim looked over his tiny glasses at me and said, "That is a wise choice, young man. I thought we were going to have to bring out the Veracity Verification Device, or ''Truth Machine'' as you surface dwellers call it. It forces a person to speak the truth and only the truth, so help them God."


    "But seeing as we didn''t have to do that, and you made this process much easier on everyone, including yourself, I will grant you a lighter sentence. The standard punishment for your crimes is one year in the molten core, but given your guilty plea and cooperation, I hereby reduce your sentence to one hour of imprisonment in the molten core of the earth." He banged his gavel. "This trial is concluded. Bailiff, ready the cage so that we may deliver the sentence forthwith."


    "Yes, your honor," Jon said. Jon walked over to the wall and pressed a button. The wall began to slide up and hot air came wafting out.


    "Wait, what? In the molten core of the earth?" I said, shocked at what I just heard. They were going to drop me into the molten core of the earth! Fuck! I wanted out. I needed to get out.


    Without thinking, I bolted out of my chair and began running down the aisle to the courtroom door. Suddenly, my feet snapped together, and I fell forward onto the ground. Since I couldn''t pull my hands or feet apart, I began to inch worm my way towards the door.


    Jolts of electricity shot through my body, causing me to involuntarily spasm and convulse on the ground. Apparently, I wasn''t immune to the effects of electricity. Jon grabbed my arm and dragged me toward the open wall. He was surprisingly strong for someone so small. As he dragged me, I noticed Azrael''s sword laying on the table made out of some form of metal that wasn''t being scorched by the sword''s flames.


    They pulled me onto a metal grating that hung out over a deep but small chasm. I looked down and saw molten lava far below. I felt heat coming from the right and looked over. There was a metal tube issuing a steady pour of molten lava into a cage. The cage was a tall rectangle with thin criss crossing bars kind of like a deep fryer tray. Its function was very similar to a deep fryer tray, if you think about it. The cage seemed to be filtering the lava through its bars, but I couldn''t imagine what could survive the lava long enough to make it down here.


    Tim stood by me, still in his judge''s robes. "I can understand the fear that strikes a person deep within their soul when they hear they''ll be spending time in the molten core, so I will look past the further crime that you just committed and deliver the original sentence."


    "Now, before we begin, I would like to explain a few things. This method of punishment was devised when we realized all surface dwellers were immune to any form of physical damage. This was the only method that we could create to allow surface dwellers to experience the suffering they deliver onto others, like how you delivered suffering onto Jon through your criminally negligent handling of a dangerous artifact."


    "Now, all the metal you see here is made of a composite alloy that cannot be melted by magma. That cage you see there is where you''ll be spending your hour. That stream of magma you see pouring from the tube is filtered by the cage. It does this to catch any magical or non magical artifacts that survive the trip down, so that they don''t enter the molten core and can be returned to the surface dwellers when they come down to retrieve them."


    "It''s unfortunate that the artifact you dropped did not enter the underground magma flows and end up harmlessly caught in the cage. If that had happened, you wouldn''t need to be punished, but what actually occurred is what actually occurred. So punish you, we must. Now, Jonathan, or Jon, if you would so kindly detach the tube from the cage, close the tube, and cover up the hole in the cage, we will be able to begin."


    This couldn''t be happening, I thought. I did the right thing, didn''t I? So why must I suffer like this? This was far worse than what I imagined the punishment could be.


    Jon did as judge Tim asked and then opened the door of the cage. He grabbed me by the arm, led me into the cage, then closed and locked the door behind me. The grating below the cage dropped open. I was now floating out over empty space. Jon put his hand on the lever to lower me down. Lucifer stood behind the gathered mole people, watching. He didn''t offer any words, and he didn''t have any expression on his face either.A case of theft: this story is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.


    "Do you have any words you would like to say before we lower you in?" Tim asked.


    I thought hard. There had to be a way out of this, and then it came to me. My karmic rebalancing. Maybe it could give me something, anything, to get out of this mess. The scale was tilted down by bad karma, so whatever I got would be good. The question was, would it be good enough?


    I pressed the mental button, and the scales rebalanced. Suddenly, from behind the mole people and Lucifer, a familiar voice rang out. "Stop! Stop this right now! I can''t take it any longer! I''m the one at fault! I take responsibility for crippling Jon! Free Dave!"


    Everyone looked behind them, confused. There was no one there. Then the voice came again. "Stop this right now! I''m responsible! Do you hear me? I am responsible!" The sword flashed orange as Lilith''s voice spoke through it.


    "What the hell?" Tim said.


    Jon was so surprised that he pulled the lever all the way down. The cage just dropped. No, slowly lowering or nothing. I looked below as the molten core got closer and closer until the cage splashed into it. This was scarier than anything I had ever experienced. I felt the magma burn away my clothes and start to fill the cage. I felt it creep up my legs, up my torso, to my chest. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. Then I was fully submerged.


    It was hotter than I expected. I expected it to be hot, but I also expected my invincibility to protect me from it. It protected me from being burned alive, but it didn''t prevent me from feeling the heat. It was truly unbearable. Imagine the hottest spa tub or jacuzzi and multiply it by 100. I felt like I was melting. The worst was definitely the heat, but the second worst was the sensory deprivation. I couldn''t see, hear, smell, taste, or really feel anything on my skin except unimaginable heat.


    There was no way I would last a year down here. I''d lose my mind. I''d be a babbling mess after they brought me back up. I didn''t know if I could even last an hour down here. This was awful. I had to hope that Lilith would convince them to pull me back up soon. I just had to last until they pulled me back up. I kept telling myself that. Any second now they would pull me back up and I''d been fine.


    Seconds turned into minutes, and minutes began to feel like hours. I was boiling alive. Then, I felt a tug on the chain. The cage began to pull back up. I could feel it because the cage was putting more pressure on my feet. I could feel my feet! That was oddly comforting. Being able to feel anything except the heat was like seeing an old friend after a long time. I didn''t feel as cut off and alone.


    Once again, seconds turned to minutes turned to hours. The cage seemed to be pulled forever. I wondered if I would ever make it out of here. Maybe they were reeling in a mile of chain or something. After my mind had truly melted and I couldn''t think straight anymore, the cage was lifted out of the magma. I was suddenly cold from the heat going away so quickly. I curled up into a ball at the bottom of the cage, trying to warm myself up and stop shivering.


    After actual real minutes that felt like minutes, I was pulled up through the hole in the grating and the grating was closed. Jon pulled the cage door open and pulled me out, naked and afraid.


    "Does anyone have clothes I could wear? I feel naked," I said.


    "You are naked," Tim said.


    "I know. I don''t want to be," I said.


    Lucifer snapped his fingers, and clothes appeared in his hands. They were the same clothes I had been wearing. I don''t mean they looked the same. I mean, they were the same. The knees on the jeans were worn and frayed in all the same places, and my shirt even had the barely noticeable hole in the side.


    As I put the clothes on, I asked Tim, "How long was I down there for?"


    "About 10 minutes. Why?" he said.


    "It felt like hours," I said. "It felt like my skin was burning off."


    "I am truly sorry about that. Once the sword confessed to the crime of crippling Jon, we tried to reel you back in right away, but so much chain had been released that it simply took that long," Tim said.


    "To hear you describe it like that, I''m not sure the punishment fits the crime. Maybe we should construct a smaller punishment, like community service, for criminal negligence, and leave the molten core for the truly heinous crimes like murder and other such things," Tim said.


    Once I was finished dressing myself, I asked Tim, "May I take the sword now?"


    "You may take the sword indeed, but while you were down there, our engineers finished constructing a sheath for the artifact, so that it doesn''t find its way down here again. Be careful with it is what I am communicating to you," Tim said.


    "We realized we couldn''t punish the sword, despite it confessing to being at fault, so remanding it to your custody seemed like the next best thing."


    "Understood, and thank you," I said. I walked over to the table that had the sword on it. It had a dark grey metal sheath with a belt attached. I wrapped the belt around my waist and cinched it tight.


    I walked past Lucifer and out of the courtroom. I followed the path back to the lift that then took me back up to the elevator. I got in the elevator and was about to press the button to go back up when Lucifer walked in. I stepped out of the elevator.


    "What?" Lucifer said. "You''re not upset about me blaming you for Jon''s accident, are you?"


    "Yes, I am, but it''s more than that. I''ve realized I can''t trust you, and if I can''t trust you, then you''re a liability to me. Lilith and I will stop the bank heist ourselves," I said, patting the sword at my side.


    "Hey! Don''t jostle me!" Lilith said.


    "Sorry," I said.


    "I can''t leave you alone. You might find a way to kill yourself and win the bet," Lucifer said.


    "You should''ve thought about that before you dropped me into the center of the earth," I said. I was serious. And I was furious at him. But beyond that, beyond the fact I couldn''t trust him, I didn''t like him. Not anymore. He disappointed me. And it''s hard to disappoint me. You really have to try, and he did. He tried and succeeded. He was lucky I didn''t just kill him.


    "Come on, Dave. I was just kidding. What''s the occasional betrayal between friends? It couldn''t have been that bad," he said.


    "Why don''t you hop in the cage? Give it a whirl?" I said my grip on the sword hilt tightening.


    "Ow, ow, ow! Don''t squeeze so hard!" Lilith said.


    "Sorry," I said.


    "Dave! Come on! We have a world to save!" Lucifer said.


    "You''re wrong. I have a world to save. You can fuck off for all I care," I said, and walked onto the lift to take me back down to the mole town.


    "Dave. Come on. You''re not going to abandon me, are you?


    "You really should have thought about your actions. Now you have to pay the consequences," I said. I pressed a button and the lift started lowering.


    "Don''t abandon me! Not like father did!" Lucifer cried, as he fell to his knees.


    "Goodbye, Lucifer," I said, before I dropped out of sight.


    "No!" Lucifer cried, slamming his fists down on the metal grating. The platform and the lift shook from the impact.

 Chapter 11: The Bubble

    When I got to the bottom of the lift, I realized I wasn''t wearing my nightvision goggles anymore. They must have melted in the molten core. My eyes had somewhat adjusted to the low light. As I looked around, I realized it wasn''t actually pitch black like I had thought it was. There were lights. They were just really dim. Well, this is what I would have to work with. I wasn''t going back up the lift to get another pair. Not with the chance Lucifer was still there. That would be incredibly awkward.


    "No, I''m not coming back for you. I''m still done with you. I''m just grabbing another pair of goggles. Okay, bye again!" Is what I imagine I would say. Yeah, I wasn''t doing that.


    I walked back to the courthouse, where Tim was walking down the front steps. "Tim! Judge Tim! Your honor!" I said.


    "You do not have to call me judge or your honor outside of the courtroom, Dave. Did you require assistance with something?" Tim said.


    "Yes. I can''t use the elevator back up. Lucifer is there and I can''t associate with him anymore. Do you have another way back to the surface?" I said.


    "Why are you unable to associate with Lord Lucifer anymore? Are you not friends, or at least associates?" Tim asked, with a puzzled look on his adorable little mole face. Sorry, they''re adorable. I can''t help it.


    "He was partially responsible for dropping the sword. He tackled me while I was holding it, causing me to drop it. But he just blamed me so he didn''t have to be put on trial or suffer any punishment. I can''t associate with someone who would betray me like that," I said.


    "That is most understandable, Lord Dave. I wouldn''t either. But why didn''t you say that in the courtroom? Lucifer would have been put on trial then," he said, rubbing his forehead.


    "I didn''t want to risk being down there for a year. I have a limited time left to live and I can''t waste it. This is going to sound ridiculous, but I need to save the world before I die," I said, sighing. It sounded ridiculous when I said it, but it was the truth.


    "That does not sound ridiculous in the slightest. That sounds noble. Truly befitting a lord of the surface world. If you do not mind me inquiring, how much time do you have remaining?" Tim said, looking worried.


    "Until 7 pm tonight. And I estimate it''s about 11 am right now. So I have eight hours," I said.


    "Well, then we better get you moving! Normally I would suggest just traveling to another mole colony and using their elevator, but that would take hours, which is time you do not have in your possession! You''ll have to take The Bubble. Come with me," he said, beginning to walk towards the cave wall.


    I followed him, and we came to a tunnel opening in the face of the cave wall. It was essentially a cave in and of itself, but not naturally formed. It had been formed through artificial means. I had to duck slightly as we went inside. There was a strange-looking vehicle set up on a track leading to a lava flow on the far side of the room. It was hot, but it was far enough away to be bearable. I assumed the track was there, so you didn''t have to try to get into the vehicle while it was in lava. Not only would your skin probably melt off, but if you missed and fell, you''d be toast.


    The vehicle itself had treads, spider legs, turbines, and a massive drill at the front. It seemed to be called The Bubble because the shape of the body of the vehicle was like a bubble, complete with a glass dome shaped view on the upper half.


    "The way in which this vehicle functions is it finds the quickest way to the surface through the magma flows and shoots you out of a volcano," he said.


    "Which volcano will I be shooting out of?" I asked.


    "Most likely Black Mountain," he said.


    "Is that an active volcano?" I said.


    "It is not, but it is the closest to being directly above us," he said. "The drill at the end is there to bust you through the rock of the inactive volcano."


    "Ok, what about the glass dome? Won''t that just melt instantly?" I said.


    "No, it will not. It is coated in a magma resistant resin as well as being infused with small amounts of the same magma retardant metal that the cage is made out of," he said.


    "''Magma resistant'' doesn''t give me a lot of confidence. Has this been tested before?" I said.


    "No. This is actually a prototype. We built it in case of catastrophic meltdown of the atmospheric generators. It fits four mole people comfortably, or one surface dweller, uncomfortably. Its purpose is to allow any remaining mole people to inform the surface dwellers of the generator meltdown, so they can rebuild or start a new mole colony with new generators," he said. "But you''re impervious to physical damage. If the glass melts, you will be alright."


    "You do realize that most surface dwellers don''t know that the atmospheric generators and mole people, for that matter, exist, right? Also, I''ll be alive, sure, but I''ll be stranded in a magma flow with no way to get to the surface," I said.


    "I am quite certain that the glass will hold out until you reach the surface. We performed micro testing of the materials. We just did not test the vehicle itself because that would render it useless for our purposes," he said.


    "Why is that?" I asked.


    "The vehicle knows how to get to the surface. It doesn''t know how to go back down here. The mole person testing the vehicle would have no way to report back to us if it performed its duty correctly. Colony to surface radio transmissions do not work. We are too deep underground for the signals to travel to us," he said.


    "I see," I said nervously. This thing better work. I was not ready for another magma bath. That was horrifying, and I wasn''t anxious to experience it again.


    "Hold on a minute. Most surface dwellers don''t know we exist? Why is that? Don''t they wonder what makes the atmosphere?" he said.


    "They do wonder why, but they think it was volcanoes," I said. I remembered watching a documentary on it on TV.


    "Well, they are not necessarily incorrect. The atmosphere we generate travels through the magma flows to the surface, but the volcanoes themselves do not create it. Does no one know we are down here?" He said.


    "Important people do, and that''s what matters. We appreciate you and God appreciates you. Without you, the world wouldn''t exist as we know it," I said, patting him on his soft, furry head.


    "Please do not patronize me, because I am smaller in stature to yourself," Tim said.


    "I''m sorry. You''re just so soft and furry. It makes me want to pet you. You see, furless surface dwellers like myself have a strange relationship with furry surface dwellers. We keep them as pets and pet them as a sign of affection," I said.


    "That sounds incredibly demeaning," Tim said.Royal Road is the home of this novel. Visit there to read the original and support the author.


    "It is, now that I think about it. I''m sorry. I will refrain from petting you in the future," I said, and lightly bowed.


    "I appreciate your effort to resist your base desires," Tim said, bowing in return. "Now, you should deposit your person within the vehicle before we waste any more time. There will be a large red button to turn it on and The Bubble will do the rest."


    "Ok. If we never see each other again, it was nice meeting you, despite the part where I was tortured," I said, as I pulled on the side handle. The whole dome opened up, and I climbed inside.


    "Good luck," Tim said.


    When I closed the dome, I had to kneel down to get it to shut. I pressed the big red button labeled "Start."


    The treads on The Bubble engaged and rapidly drove toward the magma stream. It dove under the magma and I don''t know what it did after that. I heard a lot of different mechanical noises going on at once, and I felt the cabin turn vertical, throwing me back slightly, but that didn''t concern me. What concerned me was the fact that I could see nothing but magma all around me.


    A small screen popped up on the dashboard and displayed a radar view of the magma flows and ducts. We sped through the flows rapidly, covering what looked like miles in seconds. I closed my eyes and tried to relax, but flashes of my time in the cage ran through my mind. What if the glass failed? What if the vehicle got stuck, and I had to swim out? I couldn''t do that again. I just couldn''t.


    Seconds felt like minutes, that felt like hours all over again. I squeezed my eyes shut and clenched my body as hard as I could to distract myself. I was about to really start freaking out, when I heard the drill engage and I looked at the radar screen. We were drilling through the inactive volcano surface! I was almost out! It was so close I could taste it, then 10 minutes later, after I lost my shit all over again, we finally popped out of the top of Black Mountain and traversed the land. A joystick came out of the dashboard and I could control the treads. I sped along the desert plain looking for a road.


    Without thinking, I reached into my pocket to pull out my phone and, surprisingly, my phone was in there. Whatever Lucifer did to regenerate my clothes also extended to my personal items, as well. My wallet was in my other pocket too. Along with the remaining $7,500.


    "Hey, Lilith! Where''s the bank robbery going to happen?" I said.


    "Mmph!" she said from within the sheath. I pulled the sword partially out of the sheath. "It''s going down in Vegas!"


    I put Las Vegas into the GPS, and it gave me a route. I was 5 minutes away from a road and only 20 minutes away from Vegas. It made sense I would be so close since we went down the elevator in Vegas.


    "Where exactly is this bank and how does robbing a bank end the world?" I asked.


    "It''s Las Vegas Cryo Bank and I don''t know," she said.


    "''Cryo Bank''? What the hell is a ''cryo bank''?" I said.


    "I don''t know! Look it up on your phone!" She said.


    I did, and I was confused. It was a sperm bank. "Lilith, what starts the apocalypse in the bible?" I asked.


    "A lot of things really," she said.


    "Why don''t you list the major ones and I''ll see if anything makes sense?" I said.


    "Why? What kind of bank is it?" She said.


    "Just list the apocalyptic events and I''ll tell you after," I said.


    "Fine. The breaking of the seven seals, the trumpet and bowl judgments, the rapture of believers, the rise of the Antichrist, the¡ª" she said.


    "Wait, that''s it! The rise of the Antichrist! They''re trying to birth the Antichrist! The bank is a sperm bank. They must need a specific person''s sperm to do it," I said.


    "Lucifer! They need Lucifer''s sperm! This isn''t in the bible, but our demon texts say the Antichrist must be the child of the Devil." Lilith said, with panic in her voice.


    "We need to get Lucifer''s sperm before they do! That''s a sentence I never thought I would say. But seriously, we need to get that sperm! Also, a sentence I never thought I''d say. Do you know when they plan to do it?" I said.


    "I don''t know! It might have already happened or it might not," she said.


    "Let''s just get there as fast as we can!" I said. I sped along the highway to Las Vegas in a tiny car meant for mole people. It was the size of one of those old electric vehicles from the early 2000s. Clearly not meant for actual humans to drive. My knees were up to my chest.


    A thought occurred to me in the silence. "Why do you think Lucifer deposited sperm at a bank?" I asked.


    "How the hell would I know? Maybe in case he died or something as a back-up plan?" she said.


    "That actually makes sense," I said.


    "I come up with good ideas every once in a while. You might try asking me for them more often," she said sarcastically.


    "Hey, we''ve just met," I said.


    "That''s true!" she said.


    We drove the rest of the way in silence until blue and red flashing lights showed up behind us and the sound of a police siren went off. I pulled over to the side of the road in the most ridiculous looking vehicle ever created. I opened the dome because I couldn''t roll down a window. I was blasted with hot air, but I barely even noticed. I had experienced heat far worse than this.


    "Stay in your vehicle, sir!" the police officer said through a speaker in his car.


    "I''m staying in my vehicle!" I said.


    "No need to get agitated," he said.


    "I''ll show you agitated," I said under my breath. I was trying to save the world here. You''d think people would have the common decency to stand back and let me do the thing that I decided was my job.


    "What was that?" he said.


    "Nothing," I said.


    "Good. I''m exiting my vehicle now and I''m going to walk over to you. Don''t make any sudden moves," he said.


    I just sighed and said nothing. The police officer approached me with a hand resting on his gun. "Umm, sir, what kind of vehicle is this?" he said, smacking his gum. He pulled it out of his mouth and threw it into the brush.


    "I would say ''that''s littering,'' but as you are a police officer and I am not, I will restrain myself," I said.


    "I appreciate your sense of self preservation. Now answer my question. What kind of vehicle is this?" he said in a slight to moderate drawl.


    "It''s a Bubble," I said, and smiled my most innocent looking smile.


    "What''s a Bubble?" he said.


    "A bubble is a spherical object made out of soap or glycerine," I said, still trying to maintain my innocent look.


    "Now is not the time for jokes, son. What is the make of the car? What company is it?" he said.


    "The people who made it are not with any company," I said.


    "You''re telling me this is an unknown, unregistered vehicle? Where are these people that made this thing? So I can question them," he said.


    "In the sub-basement of The Last Temptation Casino," I said.


    He just stared at me for a bit through mirrored sunglasses with his mouth open. I was tempted to close it for him, but I realized he might consider that assault of a police officer and I didn''t want to get arrested. Especially not now.


    "Uh huh," he said. "Can I see your license?" I handed it to him. "Wait here. I''m gonna call this in." He walked back to his car and got inside.


    "Time is wasting," I said.


    "Yes, it is," Lilith said.


    I sighed heavily. I was tempted to try to outrun him, but I didn''t trust my ability to weave between cars once we got into Vegas itself. This thing was on treads, which meant it had the maneuverability of a tank. We waited nearly an hour. This was almost worse than the molten core. At least that only lasted 10 minutes.


    Several more police cars pulled up. He probably just called his buddies to come look at my wacky vehicle. I doubt I seemed like a threat to him. An entire squad of police officers got out of the cars to come inspect what I was driving. Several of them took pictures. A few asked me dumb questions.


    "What happened? Did you leave your clown car at home?" One said.


    "So, were you planning to rob a bank with this thing?" Another said.


    "Do you need to call your wife so she can pick you up?" A third one said.


    "No, no, and no," I said, exasperated.


    The original officer came around again and said, "We''re going to have to impound your vehicle. Here''s a citation for driving an unregistered vehicle and here is your driver''s license back, Beauregard."


    "That''s not my name," I said.


    "That''s not what your license says," he said.


    "It''s Dave," I said.


    "Well, Dave, are you gonna hoof it, or do you need a ride back to the city?" he said.


    "A ride would be nice," I said. "May I get out of the vehicle now?"


    "Yes. You can get out of the vehicle," he said.


    I stepped out of the Bubble and he said, "Whoa! Is that a sword?"


    "Yeah. Aren''t blades legal in Nevada?" I said.


    "They are, but that thing looks cool. Can we see it?" he said in awe.


    "Sure," I said, removing Azrael''s sword out of the sheath. Its blade flickered with flame.


    "Whoa! How is it doing that? Is it hot?" he said.


    "Very. It can melt through concrete," I said.


    "No way! I gotta see this. Do it," he said.


    I plunged the sword into the highway, making sure to keep a firm grip on it, and pulled it back out. Now there was a flaming hole in the highway.


    "Holy crap! Do you know how it works?" he said.


    "No idea. I got it from my ex girlfriend," I said. Which was true. I did.


    "Is she single?" he asked.


    "I don''t know," I said.


    "Oh, sorry. Bad break up?" he said.


    "It wasn''t good, that''s for sure," I said.


    "I''m sorry to hear that," he said. "Do you still need that ride?"


    "Yes, please," I said. I put the sword back in the sheath.


    "You can ride in the back," he said.


    I gave him a look.


    "Don''t worry. I won''t sneakily arrest you. If I was going to arrest, I would have done it already," he said.


    "Ok, thanks for the ride," I said.


    "No problem. We are taking your car, or whatever you called that thing," he said.


    "True," I said.


    We drove back to Las Vegas. It was early afternoon. About 12:30 pm. Six and a half hours before my death.

 Chapter 12: The Trap is Sprung

    "Where are you going?" The police officer said through the partition between the front and back seats.


    "Las Vegas Cryo Bank," I said.


    "Is that the sperm bank place?" he said. "You looking to make a deposit?"


    "No. A withdrawal actually," I said.


    "What? Why?" he said.


    "Artificial insemination, of course," I said.


    "Oh, right," he said.


    He dropped me off in front of the building and said, "Good luck."


    "Thanks," I said. "I''ll need it."


    He drove off.


    I walked into the sperm bank and looked around. Nothing looked out of the ordinary. There was a woman at the front desk and a bunch of patients waiting patiently in chairs in the lobby. I walked up to the front desk and said, "Hi, uh, how do I do this? I made a deposit a while ago and I want to withdraw it. The missus and I changed our minds and decided to start a family. And well, they already did the ol'' ''snip snip'', so we''ll have to do it the artificial way.


    "They cut off your penis?" She said, shocked.


    "No. I got a vasectomy," I said.


    "Oh, right," she said. "What''s the name?"


    I didn''t know if Lucifer would use a fake name or not, so I just went with his real name. The one he used at the bar. "Lucifer Morningstar."


    "Ok," the woman said as she typed on the keyboard, then suddenly she stopped. She looked at me with a meaningful look and stood up. She quickly gathered flames into her hands and blasted me in the chest with it. I flew across the room and tumbled to the floor. Luckily, Lucifer had left me invulnerable, or I''d have a hole in my chest.


    The patients waiting in the lobby all looked at the woman in shock, and then they stood up and generated fire whips in their hands. "Oh shit," I said. It was a trap. I drew Azrael''s sword.


    "It''s a trap!" Lilith said.


    "Thank you, but I can see that!" I said.


    The demons all pulled their arms back to swing their whips at me. In a split second, as soon as they swung their whips, I ducked down and lifted the sword up over my head, catching all the whips on the sword.


    Lilith knew what I was planning. "Don''t you dare!"


    "I have to! There''s too many of them!" I said.


    "Don''t you do it!" Lilith said.


    "I''m sorry," I said.


    I focused on the sword and tried to search for the mental switch or mechanism that allowed Sarah to pull Lilith into the sword. When I found it, I focused on it, drawing the whips and the demons into the sword. After a few moments, all the demons except the fake receptionist had been drawn into the sword. To follow up, I ran up to the front desk and slashed horizontally at her. She feebly put her arms up, but it did nothing to protect her. The sword cut her in half and she fell to the floor.


    "Get off me!" Lilith said from within the sword. The sword began to flash orange.


    "I said get off! Move!" she said.


    "If you''re not gonna stop crowding me, I''ll make you stop! Ahhh!!!!" The sword flashed orange several times, and it grew hot in my hands. Gouts of flame shot out of the sword and then everything was silent.


    "There. That''s better. All alone, once again," Lilith said. "Don''t you ever do that again!"


    "Yes, ma''am," I said, a little intimidated.


    The lights turned off, and the lobby went dark. A voice came on over a loudspeaker. It sounded gravelly and menacing. "I see you''ve fallen into my trap, Dave. My name is Harvey. I plan to eliminate you here once and for all. You''ve evaded my minions long enough. It ends now! As you can see, I''ve gathered more than enough men to take care of you." There was a short silence and then, "Wait, where did my men go?"


    I heard a series of buttons getting pressed on a console and his voice went through a series of changes, seemingly accidental. It got more gravelly and impossible to understand, then high pitched and shrill. "Ah, screw it! I''ll just go no filter." The voice changed to something nasally and high pitched. "What did you do with my men?"


    "I killed them," I said.


    "Actually, I killed them," Lilith said proudly.


    "Yeah, she killed them," I said.


    "You did what?!?!" he said. "No matter. I''ll send in the big gun."


    Sarah ran through the patient door into the lobby. "Dave!" she said angrily.


    "Oh, not this again," I said.


    "You''ll notice I gave her a few upgrades since last time. I found your weakness, Dave. Your ex-girlfriend who secretly still loves you, but I brainwashed her to turn that love into hate. Now die!" Harvey said.


    Sarah began to run toward me, but I put my hand out and said, "Stop! Wait! Who are you again? What is happening? How do you know who I am?"


    "Didn''t I just explain that?" he said.


    "Explain it better. Explain it like I''m five," I said.


    "Fine! I am Harvey. I''m an imp. The lowest of the low among demons. Well, technically, hell spawn are lower, but they grow up bigger and stronger than us, so it doesn''t count! All my life, I''ve been ordered around by so called ''greater demons''."


    I could hear him using air quotes. "Well, no more! I have read every demon text known to demons and I''ve learned all the magics there are to know! I can make magic medallions! I even looked into the future to see if my plan worked, but no. Some random guy named Dave who recently entered into a bet with the Devil defeated me! So I researched you and found out the person closest to you."If you spot this story on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.


    "My mother?" I said, a little worried.


    "No! Haven''t you been paying attention? I mean, Sarah!" he said.


    "Oh, right," I said, smacking my forehead.


    "The person closest to you, Sarah, is your weakness because you can''t kill her! She secretly still cares about you! Only a monster would kill her, and you''re not a monster, are you Dave?" he said.


    "No, I''m not," I said, sounding disappointed.


    "Yes! See? I got you! Because she is your weakness, she will win the fight and you will die, allowing me, Harvey, to win! I purposely leaked the information about the heist to Lilith, so she would lead you here into my trap! This way, you can''t stop me from birthing the Antichrist and bringing about the end of the world! Ha ha ha! I, Harvey, am a genius!" he said.


    "I''m guessing you already found Lucifer''s sperm then?" I said.


    "No! Weren''t you listening? This is a trap, a diversion, a distraction, a bamboozle, etc. Lucifer didn''t put his sperm under his own name, obviously! He must have put it under some fake name, the clever Devil."


    "Wait, then how are you going to birth the Antichrist?" I said.


    "Easy! We kidnapped the Devil and are making him do it for us! I found his weakness too! Satyrs. Goat women. They''re like catnip to him. He can''t resist!"


    "Who''s ''we''?" I asked.


    "The other imps, of course! Haven''t you been listening! Me and my imp brethren are tired of being trampled on! Soon, we will be doing the trampling! Ha ha ha!"


    "Wait, I''m still confused. Why did you bring Sarah from the future? Couldn''t you just use present Sarah?" I said.


    "This is present, Sarah, you idiot! The future thing was a mislead, a trick, a lie, etc."


    "Oh. I hate lying," I said, angrily.


    "Well, none of that matters anymore because soon you will die! Go Sarah! Kill your evil ex-boyfriend!" Harvey said.


    "Wait! What are you going to do?" I said.


    "I''m going to lunch. I''m hungry. Goodbye forever, Dave," he said. He must have left the microphone on because I hear him get out of his chair and awkwardly open the door to leave. "Why are doors so damn heavy in the human world?" He said to himself.


    "That was weird," I said, looking at Sarah.


    "You''re telling me," Lilith said.


    Sarah stood frozen awkwardly until she finally animated and pointed a finger at me. "I hate you, Dave! I''m going to kill you now!"


    "Damn it!" I said, lifting the sword. "I''m not the enemy, Sarah! Snap out of it!"


    "I don''t know how!" she said suddenly, with a panicked look on her face. Then the angry expression came back. "Grr!"


    "Oh no," I said.


    "Oh no," Lilith said.


    "Oh, yeah!" Sarah said, pointing her fist at me. A blast of ice shot out of her hand that I blocked with the sword. It froze the sword and a ton of ice accumulated on it until I couldn''t lift it anymore and dropped it.


    "Shit!" I said, diving behind a bench.


    The bench got blasted with ice. Sarah kept blasting while walking around to flank me. I tried to run out of there to find more cover, and I succeeded, but she got my feet. She froze them both. Now it was like I was walking to two blocks of ice, because I was.


    Once I was out of view, I crouched down and scrambled across the floor to flank her right back. She kept blasting ice around the lobby, not knowing where I was, until I got behind her and put my arm around her throat. She blasted my arm with ice, which froze my arm around her neck.


    I grabbed for the chain around her neck to pull it off her head, but it was partially frozen to my arm. I had to push her neck forward to get the chain with the medallions off her head.


    "Ow, ow, ow!" she said.


    "I''m sorry!" I said.


    "Me too!" she said.


    "Really?" I said, pausing for a moment.


    "No!" She blasted the side of my face with ice.


    Now half of my head was frozen. I was very lucky to be invincible right now. Otherwise I''d be incredibly dead. It was still cold as hell and it hurt.


    I pulled and pulled at the necklace as cracks began to form in the ice, holding it in place. She froze my whole right leg next. With one final yank, I pulled the chain necklace free and dropped it to the floor.


    "Dave?" Sarah said, shakily.


    "Yes, Sarah?" I said.


    "Why are you choking me?" she said.


    "I''m actually frozen like this. I can''t move. I will explain later. Right now, we need to get to that sword on the ground in front of us. Will you move with me?" I said.


    "Rahhhh!!!!" Lilith yelled as the sword''s flames blazed and the ice around the sword melted.


    "Ok, Dave, but you owe me a better explanation than your crotch against my butt," she said.


    "I''m sorry!" I said. "We were fighting, and that''s just where my crotch ended up!"


    "We were fighting? Why?" she said.


    "As I said, I''ll explain later. Let''s get to the sword!" I said.


    "Ok!" she said and began to work with me to walk toward the sword.


    After concerted effort, we made it to the sword.


    "Lilith, flame up and melt my leg," I said. "I can''t crouch down like this to grab you."


    "Ok. Here goes," she said. "Ahhh!!!" Flames burst out of the sword and unfroze my right leg and both my feet while catching my left leg on fire.


    I crouched down and patted the fire out. Then I grabbed the sword and stood back up. I pressed it against my frozen arm and said, "Ok, two more times!"


    "Ok! Ahhhh!!!!!" Flames melted my arm and I could finally remove it from around Sarah''s neck.


    Sarah turned around and gasped. "What happened to your face?"


    "You froze it," I said.


    "How are you still conscious?" she said with her hands over her mouth in horror.


    "Uh, very carefully?" I said, making a joke. I pressed the sword against the frozen side of my head. "One more time, Lilith. Do you have to scream every time? It''s a little disturbing."


    "Yes, I do. Ahhh!!!!" she said, melting the side of my head and face.


    I flexed and cracked my neck. "That''s much better," I said, with a feeling of relief.


    "Now, explain Dave! What the hell is going on?" Sarah said.


    "Someone named Harvey is trying to kick start the apocalypse, and they brainwashed you into fighting me, because they saw you as my weakness," I said.


    "Really?" she said.


    "Don''t you remember?" I said.


    "A little bit. It''s very fuzzy. Kind of like it was all a dream, but I''m guessing it wasn''t?" she said.


    "No, it wasn''t," I said.


    "So, I really killed a giant tentacle monster, stabbed you, some other guy, and absorbed a woman into a sword?" she said.


    "¡­Yes," I said. "When you say it like that, it sounds ridiculous."


    "So what are you doing in all this?" she asked.


    "I''m trying to save the world from the Antichrist being born," I said.


    "Ok. How do we do that?" she said.


    "We can''t now. Harvey said he already has Lucifer, so I have to wait until he either calls or the Antichrist shows up," I said.


    "Hmm. Have you tried calling him?" she said.


    "No, I haven''t tried calling him. Do you really think these people would go to the trouble of kidnapping him and not take his phone away?" I said.


    "Hey, don''t bite my head off, mister. I have more of a right to be angry than you, and you don''t see me blowing my top," she said, with a stern look.


    "You''re right," I said. "What the hell. I''ll call him. It couldn''t hurt, right?"


    I reverse dialed the number Lucifer called from last night. It rang a few times. I was about to hang up the phone when the call connected.


    "This is Lucifer. How may I help you?" he said.


    "Lucifer, where are you?" I asked.


    "I got you! This is my voicemail box! Leave a message after the bell tolls. Ding!" he said. He sounded out of breath.


    Why did he sound out of breath in a voicemail? That made no sense. No one would record a voicemail out of breath. Hold on.


    "This isn''t a voicemail, you jackass! Be serious for once!" I said.


    "No! I refuse! Besides, you abandoned me, remember?" he said.


    "I''m sorry, ok? I heard they kidnapped you. Are you ok?" I said.


    "I''m fine. More than fine, really," he said, still sounding out of breath.


    Something was suspicious. And then a thought ran through my head. He couldn''t be in the middle of doing the thing Harvey was trying to trick him into doing, could he? Could he?


    "Hold on. What are you doing right now?" I said.


    "I''m kind of busy right now. Can we do this later?" he said.


    "You''re not ''getting busy'' right now, are you? With goat women?" I asked.


    "How did you know?" he said.


    "It''s a trap! Pull out! Abort!" I said.


    "It''s a little too late for that," he said. "About 69 times too late."


    "Wait, really?" I said incredulously. There''s no way he''s done it 69 times already.


    "No. I just wanted to say ''69''. But it is too late for that. Why? What''s the trap? I don''t get it," he said.


    "They''re trying to get you to birth the Antichrist to start the apocalypse," I said.


    "Oh, shit. I''m screwed. Figuratively and literally. Alright, I''m gonna bust out of here. I''ll call you to come pick me up when I figure out where I am," he said and hung up. I put my phone back in my pocket.


    "What happened?" Sarah asked.


    "We''re screwed. The Antichrist is coming," I said. Great. Just great.

 Chapter 13: Steve

    "Dave, I have to apologize. Not just for trying to kill you, but I am sorry for that. For the way I ended things with you. Leaving without an explanation why or even discussing if we were still together or not was wrong, and for that, I am truly sorry," Sarah said, with tears in her eyes. She put her hand on mine as we sat on the ground in a puddle of water.


    "Thank you for the apology, but it''s ok. I understand that what I said wasn''t what you needed at the moment. You needed someone to hug you and tell you to take as long as you needed to heal and move forward. But my stupid pragmatic side didn''t see that and only saw the bills coming up. I loved you more than anything. I''m sorry it ended the way it did too," I said, putting my hand on her hand that was on my hand.


    "You know, Harvey''s medallion had me thinking you were this controlling monster who only saw what I could do for you and not who I am," she said, putting her other hand on my hand that was on her hand that was on my hand.


    "No offense, Sarah, but that''s insane. That wasn''t your fault, though. You weren''t yourself and you are now. I''m just happy I could save you without one of us getting killed," I said.


    "Are you still drinking?" she asked.


    "As of yesterday, I was, but a lot has changed for me in the last 24 hours. I don''t think I''ll touch a drink for a long time, if at all," I said.


    There was a long silence, then Lilith said, "Girl, if you think Dave is controlling, you should''ve seen Adam. He''d put Dave to shame."


    "I''ve been meaning to ask, why is the sword talking?" Sarah said.


    "You absorbed Lilith into the sword, remember?" I said.


    "Oh yeah. Right," she said, looking at the sword. "You say Adam''s name like I''m supposed to know who that is."


    "You do. You know, Adam and Eve? I''m his first wife, Lilith. He couldn''t control me, so he banished me from Paradise to live in the wastes," she said.


    "Oh, I''m sorry. That must have been hard," Sarah said.


    "It''s fine. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. I''ve never felt more free in my life!" Lilith said.


    "That''s ironic, considering you''re trapped in a sword," I said.


    "I can feel free and be trapped at the same time. I''m allowed!" Lilith said.


    "Ok. I''ll let you do that. For now, though, I need you to melt the mind control device," I said. "And don''t scream."


    "Ok, fine. Mmmmm," she said.


    "That''s weirder, but carry on," I said.


    "Mmmmmmm!" she hummed.


    I took Azrael''s sword and pressed the tip against the heart medallion laying on the ground. It fizzled and sparked purple at first, but eventually melted under the intense heat. I picked up the chain with one less medallion on it and said, "Would you like this back?"


    "No. Keep them. They would remind me of being controlled, and I don''t want to feel that ever again. Besides, you''re the one who''s going to save the world, so you should have them," she said.


    "Ok, sounds good to me," I said, looking at the remaining medallions. One was a sword, another was a goat''s head, a third one was an hourglass, and the last one was an icicle. "Sword skills, charm resistance, and long range ice powers? Hell yeah. Now the hourglass, I suppose is just teleportation since Harvey said you''re not from the future?"


    "I don''t know. He said it allowed me to travel back and forth between the past and future, but I don''t know what it actually does," she said.


    "Maybe best not to mess with it," I said.


    I put the necklace around my neck and tucked it inside my shirt. I received a call on my phone and picked it up right away. "Yeah?"


    "The inside of that building was blocking my GPS. I''ll send you my coordinates through text," Lucifer said. "Get here quick. Something''s going down."


    "Will do," I said, hanging up. I immediately received his coordinates. "Alright, we need to go."


    "Ok," Sarah said.


    "Ok," Lilith said.


    Looking at my phone, I said, "It''s only three blocks away."


    I began walking, and Sarah followed. I had already put Azrael''s sword back in the sheath. After a 10 to 15-minute walk, we arrived at our destination. It was a random office building a few blocks off the strip. Lucifer was standing outside.


    "Ok, good. You''re here. Let''s go inside. You need to see this," he said.


    When we walked inside, it was a normal office lobby, aside from the dozens of flying imps that were watching over 7 pregnant satyrs. They all looked 11-months pregnant. The gestation period for antichrists must be really fast. They all seemed to be in labor simultaneously.


    "Seriously? 7 satyrs? Was that really necessary? Are we really going to have 7 antichrists on our hands?" I said.


    "Sorry. Satyrs are my weakness. It''s the horns. They make me¡ª" Lucifer said, shrugging.


    "Don''t say it," I said, interrupting him.


    "Fine. It does look like we''re going to have 7 antichrists very soon," he said.


    Lights started to shine above the 7 satyrs. They got brighter and brighter until they were blinding. When they dimmed, the satyrs were no longer pregnant, and the antichrists had been immaculately conceived. The way they looked was both hilarious and horrifying. They all looked identical. They were fully grown men resembling Lucifer with pale skin and black hair, except with small goat''s horns, wearing perfectly tailored white suits with black shirts and white ties. Their eyes glowed white.


    They all looked at each other for a minute, thinking, calculating. Then they spoke in unison, "Mutually assured destruction will result in failure. We must join forces. Very well. Ok. Stop. No, you stop. No, you stop!"


    I interrupted. "Would you all just stop talking and do what you''re going to do?" I yelled.


    "Very well," they all said. They all walked together into a circle and held hands. Lights shot out of their chests and eyes and mouths and gathered into a mass of light in the middle. Then they began to fade away into nothing. When they were gone, the light in the middle dimmed and one antichrist remained. "There. Happy?" I could still hear seven voices, just speaking over each other at the same time. It was uncanny.Support the creativity of authors by visiting Royal Road for this novel and more.


    "What is your name?" I said.


    "Hmm. Sssteeeeve. Steve," he said.


    "Ok, Steve. What do you want?" I said, a little wary of the being called the antichrist. I mean, he''s supposed to be evil, so why wouldn''t I be worried he''d turn out to be evil? I''d be stupid not to.


    "I suppose I want to fulfill my purpose," he said with a blank face.


    "Whoa, whoa! I am your creator and you will do as I say!" Harvey, I assumed by the voice, flapped his wings and flew over to where we were standing. He was a purple imp demon. He was about 3 feet tall and looked a little like a pterodactyl, if a pterodactyl had separate arms and wings and was 3 feet tall. "That said, yes, go fulfill your purpose. That''s all I want you to do."


    "You will not tell me what to do, even if it''s just to tell me to do what I was already going to do," Steve said. He grabbed Harvey and slammed him into the ground so hard that the carpet cracked, which shouldn''t be physically possible. Then he stepped on him. Steve looked around the room. "Does anyone else want to tell me what to do?"


    "No," I said. "I don''t want to tell you what to do. You can do whatever you want. But I do want to say that if it''s something bad, I will have to stop you."


    "You will stop nothing," he said. "I will do what I please. I will please myself whenever, wherever, and however I want."


    "Ok, I know you were just born, but you should be more careful with your words," I said, laughing.


    "What? That I want to pleasure myself? What is wrong with that? Isn''t pleasure what everyone wants?" Steve said.


    "That is true. Nevermind. Forget I said anything. Say that to whoever you want to," I said, struggling not to laugh.


    "Maybe I will!" he said, levitating and bright white light emanating from his body.


    "Hey, before you leave, I was hoping you could help me fill out a survey." I walked over to a desk and took a notepad and a pen off it. I held them like I was going to take notes. "So. On a scale from 1 to 10, how likely are you harm other people?"


    "If it pleases me, yes," Steve said.


    "You have to give a number from 1 to 10," I said.


    "I have to do no such thing!" He roared.


    "Sorry, I meant, if you want to properly answer the question, a number from 1 to 10 is required," I said.


    "Oh. Uh, 10 I suppose," he said.


    I scribbled on the notepad. "Ok. Next question. On a scale from 1 to 10, how likely are you to start the apocalypse?" I said.


    "Hmm. 10 again, I guess," he said.


    "Final question. If you were a washcloth, what¡ª" I said.


    "No more questions! You are wasting my time here while I could be out there pleasuring myself," he said.


    "True. It''s ok, I got the answers I was looking for," I said, drawing Azrael''s sword. "Lilith, are you ready?"


    "Almost. I''m just about done with my vocal warm-ups. La la la la la! Ok, I''m ready!" she said.


    I dashed up to Steve and plunged Azrael''s sword into his chest.


    "I do not like that. That is not pleasurable at all!" Steve roared. He backhanded me across the face, sending me and the sword flying, still firmly in my grasp. I watched the wound in his chest heal in seconds without a drop of blood spilt.


    "That''s not good," I said. "Lilith, I need you to flame on when I''m fighting him."


    "Ok! But I''ll have to hum," she said.


    "That''s fine. Whatever it takes to save the world. Also, I''m kind of getting used to your voice. Your hum is rather soothing in a stabbing myself in the ears sort of way," I said.


    "Thank you. I love to know that I cause you pain, Dave," she said.


    I got up and back onto my feet. I rushed at Steve while Lilith hummed. "Mmmmmm!!!!"


    Steve summoned a sword of light, similar to Raphael''s, that he blocked my over hand strike with. I pressed hard against it with both hands, cracking the sword. Suddenly, the sword of light broke, and Azrael''s sword sliced all the way through Steve''s body vertically. A left and right half of his body fell to the ground, but a living Steve remained.


    "How dare you kill me!" he yelled. I couldn''t be sure, but it sounded like 6 voices instead of 7 this time. He covered his fist in hard light and punched me in the chest. He sent me flying back, but more importantly, he stopped my heart.


    Everything was a blur after that. There were a lot of noises and yelling. I even think I heard Lucifer crying, but whether it was because I was going to die, or because he was going to lose the bet, I couldn''t tell.


    I woke up in my apartment on the couch. A pillow was behind my head and a snuggly warm blanket was over my body. I sat up and put the pillow and blanket off the side of the couch. My favorite TV show was playing on my least favorite streaming platform.


    "About time you woke up," Lucifer said, biting into an apple. "This apple is really good! Is probably what Eve was thinking when she betrayed my father and doomed humanity to be banished from Paradise for all eternity."


    "Hey, you," Sarah said, as she sat next to me and hugged me. "How are you feeling?"


    "I would hug you too, but I''m currently a sword," Lilith said. "I sure hope somebody gets around to fixing that. Eventually." She laughed nervously.


    "I feel fine," I said. "What happened after I died? Temporarily."


    "A lot of things, really," Lucifer said, taking another bite of his apple. "You should eat these more often. I hear they''re good for your heart."


    "What''s wrong with you?" I said.


    "Me? I''m fine. Why do you ask?" he said.


    "You''re acting like a jerk," I said.


    "Well, I''m sorry," he said sarcastically. "Maybe I have feelings too. Maybe I didn''t like seeing you die. Maybe watching my son kill you was not the most fun thing I could be doing on a Tuesday. Maybe carrying your lifeless body away from the scene and performing cpr on you for hours affected me in some way. I don''t know because I''m not supposed to have feelings! I''m the Devil, remember? I''m the bad guy!"


    "Hey. You''re allowed to have feelings, Lucifer. You just can''t let those feelings make you lash out at the people around you," I said weakly. I coughed a few times.


    "I don''t know how to do that!" he said.


    "Well, learn, asshole! Maybe grow for once in your life, and think about the pain and misery others might be feeling besides just your own!" I yelled at him. I couldn''t deal with his constant self pity right now on my literal deathbed. He mentioned hours had passed. That meant I didn''t have much time left.


    "Would you boys please stop fighting?" Sarah yelled.


    "Yeah, what she said!" Lilith commented.


    "Fine," I said.


    "Fine!" Lucifer said, crossing his arms and looking away.


    "I''ll tell you what happened, but as Lucifer said, it''s a lot," Sarah said. "Steve left you alone once we confirmed you were dead. He went off and started terrorizing people in Las Vegas. Lucifer then teleported us to the devil''s trap, and we dismantled the giant fan and devil''s trap with Azrael''s sword. Well, I did the dismantling. Lucifer did cpr."


    "I finally finished dismantling the trap around the time your heart started beating and you were breathing again. Then, Lucifer teleported us to your apartment, and you woke up."


    "Oh. I''m sorry I put you all through that. Truly, I am. But, Lucifer, shouldn''t you be happy the bet is almost over? You''re going to win. Isn''t that what you wanted?" I said.


    "It should be, but it isn''t. We failed man. We failed to stop Steve, and now the world''s going to end. All the amazing things that humans have created will be gone forever. Soap, toilet paper, margaritas. All gone. And I''m going to kill the world''s only chance of survival. You could do it, man. You could stop Steve. You just need another chance. But I''m going to take that all away," he said.


    "It''s not the end of the world," I said, and rethought what I just said. "Ok, it is the end of the world, but it''s not the end of the world yet. It still has you. You''re far stronger than me. You could defeat him."


    "I don''t think you understand, Dave," Lucifer said. "You''re special. You think other people have what it takes to stand up to the antichrist? I sure as hell don''t. I don''t have the heart, or the guts, or the balls. I mean, don''t get me wrong, I have balls. Like big manly balls¡ª"


    "Ok, we get it. You have big balls," I said, laughing slightly.


    "Right," he said. "But mine aren''t made of steel like yours."


    "I appreciate your confidence, but I''m nothing special. I just did what I had to do," I said.


    "And that''s exactly what makes you special," he said, laughing and smiling.


    My alarm on my phone went off.


    "Alright, it''s 7 o''clock. Are you ready to meet your maker?" Lucifer said, getting his fingers into snapping position.


    "Wait! He needs to take his medication!" Sarah said. She picked the bottle up off the coffee table, pulled a pill out, and handed it to me. Then she handed me a bottle of water. I noticed her hands were shaking.


    "Does he really need to do that?" Lucifer said. "He''s about to die."


    "Can you just let him have a bit of normalcy before it all ends?" Sarah said nervously.


    Something was wrong with the way Sarah was acting, but I didn''t have time to figure out why. I took my medication and said, "Ok, Lucy. Snap me out of existence."


    "I will when I''m ready. Don''t rush me! I still have 50 seconds," he said, a bead of sweat running down his face. "I''m gonna do it right now!" he said, but he didn''t snap. "That was just a warmup. Ok, now!" he said, but he still didn''t snap. "Snap damn you! Why won''t you snap?" he said, looking at his fingers.


    I started to feel weird. Like I was suffocating, but not just my lungs were out of breath. My whole body felt out of breath. Like, every cell in my body was suffocating at the same time. "I don''t feel so good," I said. Then everything went dark.

 Chapter 14: The Results

    Suddenly, I was standing outside the Fortress of Bureaucracy with a piece of paper in my hand. The building looked massive, even compared to what it looked like the first time. Were they adding floors? The same red light permeated everything.


    The paper was a "Form D-13: Mandatory Post-Mortem Processing Initiation Notice (Recently Deceased)" printed on red paper. It blended with the red light and would seem to disappear when my eyes lost focus. Then it was just floating text vaguely near my hand.


    My eyes refocused, and I read the document. It basically said to report to the front desk of the Fortress of Bureaucracy for processing. I hoped they weren''t sending me where I thought they were going to. I could do painful torture, but filling out forms for eternity was a pain I couldn''t endure forever. Eventually, I''d break.


    I walked in through the front doors and was about to be handed the standard forms by the guy standing near the door, but I showed him my Form D-13 and he waved me toward the front desk.


    When I saw Margaret sitting behind the front desk filing her nails, it all came back to me. Our date! I totally stood her up! Damn it! I had no intention of doing that, and I suddenly, deeply regretted it. I didn''t like to hurt people''s feelings, except Lucifer''s. And being stood up had a lot of negative memories for me, so I assumed the same was true for her, regardless of the fact she was a demon. Demon or not, rejection hurts.


    I rushed up to the desk and immediately started apologizing. "Margaret. I am so sorry I stood you up. I really didn''t mean to do it. I swear!"


    She looked up at me and said, "Who are you?"


    "You don''t remember? We set a date for this afternoon," I said. "You filled out a request for romantic engagement and everything."


    "Sorry. Doesn''t ring a bell," she said, looking at her nails. "Wait. I do remember something. There was this one boy, who was really cute, who gave me his number and made plans to go to the IRS Cafe with me, but then he never showed. I sat there for 3 hours, waiting for a text or a call. Even an email would''ve been acceptable. But no."


    "And now he shows up thinking he can still date me, let alone talk to me, like nothing''s changed. You''re dead Dave! I can''t date you anymore! Don''t you get that?" She said, with tears streaming down her face.


    "I can only date living men. Dead men are either in Heaven, or Purgatory, which I don''t have access to, or they''re here in Hell. And if in you''re in Hell and have been sent here," she gestured to the form in my hand, "that means you''re a damned soul, and I can''t date damned souls. I can only process and file them." She kept looking at the paperwork and then back at me. "This is weird. There''s no destination circle listed. Damned souls are always assigned a circle of hell to spend eternity in."


    "Margaret! I''m not damned! I swear! There must be some sort of mix-up. I was fighting the antichrist to save the world. I died fighting the antichrist, or antichrists, and that''s why I couldn''t show up. I was in some sort of non-conscious limbo," I said.


    Margaret stopped filing her nails and looked at me. Her blas¨¦ attitude cracked slightly. "That would be Purgatory. Or the first layer of purgatory." She leaned in and spoke quieter. "How can somebody get switched out of Purgatory into Hell?"


    "I don''t know. You tell me. You probably know this stuff better than I do. Although, I didn''t get switched out of Purgatory directly into Hell. I was revived, then died again, and somehow ended up in Hell," I said.


    "Did you do something bad before you died again?" she asked.


    "No. I just talked to my ex-girlfriend and Lucifer, took my medication, and died," I said.


    "Wait, why was Lucifer there?" she said, raising her voice slightly.


    "Why wouldn''t he be? You saw me with him when we visited the Fortress of Bureaucracy last time," I said.


    "No, I saw you walk in with some guy who was dressed like wait staff in a fancy restaurant, and a guy in a suit who walked around like he owned the place. I figured they were important, so I let you guys through," she said.


    "Didn''t you read our paperwork? It should have been in there. Mine required that I put my name on a billion things. His should''ve had his name on it too," I said.


    "You think I read the stuff I file? You clearly don''t understand Hell or bureaucracy very much," she said.


    "Oh. Well, the guy in the suit was Lucifer," I said.


    "Why were you traveling with the big guy?" she asked.


    "I made a bet with him that he couldn''t kill me at 7 pm. He was waiting for 7 pm to roll around so he could kill me. We just happened to try to prevent an apocalypse during that time," I said.


    "I want to acknowledge that the apocalypse thing is really cool, but not something I''m going to go into here with you. If we do go on a date, we can talk about it then," she said. She rubbed her forehead. "Ok, so did he end up winning the bet?"


    "I don''t know. I assume so, but I started feeling sick before he snapped his fingers, so maybe not," I said.


    "Huh. Well, assuming you lost, that would make you a bargained soul, not a damned one. Technically, we could still date, but bargained souls have to do whatever the person they made a deal with says. Usually Lucifer keeps them in his castle. They don''t wander around much, so you might not get to either," she said.


    "Ok, that''s cool, but why am I in the Fortress of Bureaucracy?" I asked.


    "He sends bargained souls to the Department of Perpetual Processing at first, if he''s busy. Then he comes by and gets them when he''s done with whatever he was doing. The name is a bit of a misnomer. It''s more like a waiting room. The only difference is some people have to wait forever," she said.


    "I see. What happens if I won?" I said.


    "What? If you won? No one beats the Devil," she said.


    "His father did," I said.


    "Yeah, but that''s different. No one mortal has beaten the Devil," she said.


    "There''s a first time for everything. Let''s say I did win. Where would I be sent after I die?" I said, feeling a little more confident.


    "I suppose you''d be sent to the Department of Perpetual Processing if he was busy, and then he''d get you afterwards. You wouldn''t be sent to Heaven or Purgatory, because he can''t visit those places. You''d have to be sent somewhere he can access, so he can fulfill his end of the deal," she said, the realization dawning on her.


    "You might have actually done it! You might have actually beaten the devil! This changes everything!"


    "Does that mean we can still date?" I asked, curious. I still really wanted to date her. She seemed nice enough, and she was the only demon I had a connection with, and she was a demon. That was cool! How many people can say they''ve dated a demon? Not many, I''d guess.Support the author by searching for the original publication of this novel.


    "If you did win, yes it would," she said, smiling for the first time in this conversation.


    "Ok, I''ll go to the processing department to wait, and I''ll let you know," I said.


    "Please do!" she said.


    I walked to the Department of Perpetual Processing and handed the desk guy my paper. It was the same guy who got mad at me last time. He looked up at me and raised his eyebrows.


    "You''re getting processed? Oh, what a wonderful day it is today! I will personally hand you every piece of paperwork you will fill out during your time here, however long that may be," he said, overjoyed to see me.


    Of course, he was happy to see me here. I''m sure I left a lasting impression, being the only person to outsmart his bureaucratic system. He set me up at a desk not too far from the front desk. I assume it was so he could deliver my paperwork while also still watching for new visitors.


    He handed me my first stack of paperwork. It was a thick stack of papers to sign. I had to sign every page. I had no idea what I was signing, though. They were all written in a language I had never seen before. Maybe it was a demonic language? I didn''t know. Regardless, I began signing the papers. I could just not sign the papers and the effect of having to wait would be the same, but at least it was something to do.


    As I signed paper after paper, my mind kept thinking about the bet. If Lucifer had won, why did he take so long to do it? Why did he get impotent finger syndrome at the last second? Was I growing on him? Did he actually care about me as a person and not just as a tool to achieve his goals? Nah. That wasn''t possible for someone like him.


    But what if I had won? I don''t know. All I could think about was saving the world, since if I didn''t do that, it didn''t matter if I was alive or dead. And then there was the issue of still being dead. What good would a wish do me if I were dead?


    I was nearly done with my first stack of papers when Lucifer walked up to my partitioned desk with the front desk guy. Paul, I think his name was.


    Paul gestured towards me and said, "He''s all yours."


    "Hey, kiddo! How are you doing?" Lucifer was smiling. I had no idea if that was good or bad right now. He offered me a hand up and I took it.


    "How did you get me out? Did you have to get all the forms signed and dotted?" I asked.


    "No, I didn''t bother with that. I just told him who I was. And proved it. He jumped out from behind the desk so fast it was like he was bitten in the ass by a shark," he said, laughing.


    "You could do that this whole time and you let me fumble around, get punched in the face, and berated by Paul?" I said. "Why?"


    "Let''s just say I wanted to help you build up your confidence. After all, you were going to stop an apocalypse. You needed it," he said still smiling.


    I grabbed him by the collar and pulled his face so close our noses were touching. "Bastard, if you don''t tell me who won the bet right now, I will¡­I will¡­" I trailed off.


    "You''ll what? You ain''t got no power here, sonny. That said, I''ll tell you if you give me a drum roll," Lucifer said.


    I sighed and rolled my eyes. "Fine. Badadadadadada," I said, patting the desk with my fingers.


    "You did! You won, Dave! Never have I been happier to lose in my life. Well, never ever have I lost in my life. Except my father, but that doesn''t count. Fathers are supposed to win competitions with their sons. Well, I guess I''m not his son. I''m his creation, but I still call him Father, anyway. Makes me feel less alone," he said.


    "You better not be pulling my leg," I said.


    "I''m not, but I will pull your third leg any time I want. Thank you very much," he said, winking.


    "I wish you wouldn''t," I said, grinning.


    "Well, have you decided what you''re going to wish for?" he said.


    "Not yet, but it certainly won''t be conventional. I was considering wishing to stop the apocalypse, but if you could do that, you would have done it already. It probably has to be something smaller and more simple. Like millions of dollars or the entire world''s supply of toilet paper," I said.


    "Now that would be the beginning of an apocalypse. Imagine everyone not being able to wipe their butts all over the world, just stuck on the toilet? You could end entire civilizations that way!" he said, grinning at the prospect.


    "If only I was evil. Life, or death, would be so much easier. Well maybe not easier. Simpler though. I do evil shit all my life, die, get tortured for eternity. Nothing complicated about that," I said.


    "You''re stalling," he said.


    "I know, but I want to talk to the administrative assistant before I make my wish," I said.


    When we passed by Margaret''s desk, she looked up and her eyes lit up. "Did you win?"


    I smiled like I was the coolest guy on the planet. Which I would be if I were on the planet right now. "Yep," I said.


    "Weeee!!!" She hugged me. Then she stepped back and said, "Now, you better figure out a way to visit me, or I''ll kick your ass!"


    "Will do," I said. "But right now we gotta go figure out this wish thing." Lucifer and I walked out.


    "Bye!" she said.


    "I can''t wish to be alive again, can I?" I said.


    "Nope. No can do. Only my father and Jesus can do that," he said.


    "Well, it can''t be anything worldly, since I''m dead. That would be useless. What if I wished for something for someone else?" I said.


    "You can do that. It would be a waste of a wish, but you can do that," he said.


    "There is one thing that''s been bugging me for the last 24 hours. That chip on your shoulder. And your hatred of other people. I want that to go away," I said.


    "You can''t wish away people''s emotions. Especially not mine. Like how am I supposed to do divine magic on my own mind? I would need my mind to do the magic on my mind. It hurts my head just thinking about it," he said, rubbing his temples.


    "Ok, what if I gave you a time out?" I said.


    "I''d hate that," he said. "And it would accomplish nothing except to make me angry at you."


    "Fair. What you really need is therapy, but like a lot of it. What if I wished for you to get therapy until you forgave your father?" I said, holding my chin.


    "We''d be at it forever. The rapture would have come and gone a million times over before that happened. I''m not saying it''s impossible, but I am saying with our current resources, it''s not possible," he said.


    "Ok, what if we did some divine magic about it and said that you have to get therapy outside of time in another dimension until you forgave your father? Time would be paused on this side, but not in whatever dimension you''re in. It would be a way to prevent the apocalypse. If you never forgave your father, time would never continue, and we''d be stuck in this moment forever," I said.


    "Hmm. That might actually work! Using my hatred of my father against the apocalypse! That''s genius Dave!" He hugged me.


    "Well, Lucifer, the point is for you to forgive your father eventually for the wrongs you think he has committed. Not to pause time for eternity," I said, wiping my hand down my face.


    "Yeah, that''s never going to happen. It''s possible, but it won''t. Not in any human understanding of time at least," he said, stretching his legs.


    "That''s the beauty of it, though. You''d have infinite time. A literal eternity. Meaning you can take all the time you need," I said.


    "You may be on to something, but there''s one problem," he said.


    "What''s that?" I said.


    "I don''t have the kind of juice to pull something like that off," he said.


    "Who could?" I asked, knowing the answer. God.


    "My father, and only my father," he said. "Or the Abyss, but that''s all just evil energy. It wouldn''t work for our purposes."


    "The what now?" I said.


    "The Abyss. You know, the place where every monster imaginable and unimaginable got locked away with the fallen angels? Filled with darkness and hate and evil in a dimension nothing like our own?" He looked at my blank stare, and said, "It''s in Revelations. You should read it sometime."


    "If all the fallen angels are there, why aren''t you there too? You''re a fallen angel," I said.


    "I don''t know, Dave. Maybe I''m special or something? My brain is starting to hurt from too much explaining. The point is, only my father has the juice to do your wish and your wish is with me and not him," he said.


    "Geez, ok. Can he give you the energy if he so desires?" I said.


    "I mean, I guess he could, but why would he do that?" he said.


    "If you had a son who needed therapy, would you pay for it?" I said.


    "I do have a son, and he does need therapy, and a hard kick in the ass. And yes I would," he said.


    "There''s your answer. Now just try to do it and just see if he gives you the juice," I said.


    "Fine," he put his hands together and closed his eyes. A light began to glow next to us, until a rift opened in space, about the size of a person. Lucifer looked surprised. "Wow. I guess he was willing to pay for my therapy. Huh. I''ve never seen him do anything this nice for me."


    Lucifer started to walk into the rift, but I grabbed his shoulder. "Wait. You have to choose a therapist."


    "Oh, yeah," he said.


    "It can''t be a living therapist or a dead one. Living therapist would die too quickly and the only good therapists are in heaven and you can''t borrow people from there, so that leaves us with¡­" I trailed off.


    "Angels and demons," he said. "It can only be someone who can live as long as me."


    "What about Raphael?" I said.


    "He would work. He''s the only one of my brothers who ever had the patience to listen to me complain," he said.


    "Ok, then. I wish for you to enter a dimension outside of time, while this universe is paused, and get therapy from Raphael until you forgive your father." I said.


    "I''m probably going to hate you for this," he said. He snapped his fingers and Raphael appeared.


    "I''m glad you didn''t do that a moment sooner, or my toes wouldn''t have assembled yet," Raphael said.


    "It''s great to see you, Raphael, but we don''t have much time. You do, but this universe doesn''t. I need you to give Lucifer therapy until he forgives his father. You will have infinite time. You just have to have the patience to keep at it potentially forever," I said.


    "Oh, yeah, I can do that. Sounds like a great way to spend a Tuesday night," he said.


    "Alright. See you two on the other side," I said.


    Lucifer and Raphael stepped through the rift and it closed up behind them, pausing time on my side of the rift.

 Chapter 15: Progress

    As soon as the rift closed, it opened right back up again. Raphael stepped out first, looking exactly the same as he had before. It was like no time had passed at all. Then Lucifer stepped out. He was wearing the same clothes, and his hair and facial hair looked the same, but something had changed. He wasn''t the same Lucifer I knew. There was no sign of the tension and stress and misery from before. He was free. Liberated even.


    He pulled me into a hug without warning. He held it longer than normal, but not too long. He stepped back with his hand still on my shoulder and said, "Man, is it good to see you, Dave. It''s almost like I don''t even know you anymore, and I know you better than anyone."


    "I guess it was a good session, then?" I asked.


    "Good for him? Yes," Raphael said. "I''ll be honest. I strangled him a few times. I''m no worse off than I was before, but he can be frustrating sometimes."


    "I feel great!" Lucifer said, stretching his arms and back.


    "How long were you gone? He doesn''t even seem like the same person anymore," I said.


    "I''m not sure. I lost count after 10 billion years," Raphael said, scratching his head.


    "Are you ready for the next step?" I said to Lucifer.


    "What would that be, my dear friend?" He said, smiling clearer and brighter than most people could ever accomplish.


    "Well, it''s logical. You forgave your father for what he did. The step is asking him to forgive you," I said, gesturing with my hands.


    The look on Lucifer''s face instantly went from the epitome of peace to severely offended. "Why would I ever have to do that? I did nothing wrong!"


    "Oh no. I fucked up," I said, putting my hand over my face. After a moment had a passed, I put my hands together is a steeple position and said, "Lucifer. I''m going to be very restrained when I say this, so please listen very carefully. You''ve forgiven your father, but you still refuse to acknowledge that often times fault lies on both sides when it comes to fights and family feuds? What the fuck is wrong with you? I gave you infinite time to work on your mental health and heal and grow, and you threw it in my face! I ought to kill you! Actually, I''m going to do just that. I''m going to fucking kill you, you son of a bitch. Fuck you!"


    I tackled Lucifer to the ground and began to strangle him. He grabbed my wrists and tried to push my hands off his neck, but he either couldn''t or wouldn''t do it. His face started to turn red, then purple.


    "Stop it! You''re going to kill him! Despite his pride, he''s not the same Lucifer he used to be. He''ll let you kill him. You''re his savior in his mind. You healed him. Don''t undo all of that, because he still has a few screws loose. Everyone does. Let it go, Dave!" Raphael said, talking me down from the ledge.


    I loosened my grip and let go of Lucifer''s neck. "I''m sorry Lucifer," I said, tears dropping from my eyes and onto his face. "I guess I just hoped I could fix you all in one go. That was my pride talking and I''m sorry for blaming you for it. I''m know I''m not perfect either. Can we still be friends?"


    I stood up and put out my hand to lift him up. He took it. "Sure, Dave. We can still be friends. I''m sorry I disappointed you. I really expected you to be proud of me, but I guess I have a long way to go."


    "It''s ok, Lucifer. We both do. We both do. You''re my best friend. You know that, right?" I said, hugging him.


    "Thank you, Dave. That means more to me than you know," he said, hugging me back. "But I do feel obligated to point out that I''m not a son of a bitch. I don''t have a mother, remember?"


    I squeezed my eyes shut harder and a few tears escaped. "I know, Lucifer. I know. I''m sorry. I''m so sorry."


    "Don''t cry Dave. We still have an apocalypse to stop. If you cry, what do you think that''s going to do to me? Lead by example, buddy," he said, smiling, a single tear trailing down his cheek.


    "You''re right," I said, wiping away my tears. "How are we going to stop the apocalypse, though? I''m still dead. You can go back to earth, but if I did, I suppose I''d just be a ghost."


    Lucifer looked me in the eye and laughed. "Do you really think God hasn''t seen what you''ve done? What you''ve sacrificed to try to heal his family? God sees everything."


    "What do you mean? He''s going to bring me back to life or something?" I said.


    "Maybe. I don''t presume to know what my father will or won''t do, but I know he''ll do something, and it''ll be enough to save the world. Or enough to allow others to do it for him. He doesn''t like to get his hands dirty, but he''ll go above and beyond to help those who would do it for him," Lucifer said.


    "What then, should I just sit around here waiting for him to do something? I don''t see him summoning me or bringing me to life right now," I said. I looked up at the red sky. "God? Are you there? Every second that goes by could mean Steve kills another person. If you''re going to do something, do some¡ª"


    Everything went dark for a moment, and then I appeared in a white room, sitting at a table across from a man in his twenties with a clipboard and a pen. He wore a white shirt and a black tie with another pen neatly tucked into the breast pocket of his shirt. He had black hair and amber eyes.


    "I don''t mean to be rude, but what took so long?" I said. I assumed he wasn''t God or my eyes would probably be on fire right now, if biblical mentions were to be believed.


    "Well, you are rude, so there. What took so long, you ask? We experienced some interference with our instruments from a rift in time and space that you wished into existence," he said.


    "You know, if you hadn''t interfered with Raphael''s investigation, this whole apocalypse debacle could have been avoided. It would have fizzled out like so many attempts before it."


    "But¡ª" I said.


    "Fzzz," he interrupted.


    "B¡ª" I said.


    "Fzzzzzzzzzzzz," he interrupted again.This story originates from Royal Road. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.


    "Would you stop that?" I said.


    "Sure," he said.


    "Thanks. I was trying to say, didn''t we grow as people along the way, though? Didn''t Lucifer and I become better people? Isn''t moral growth just as important as the goal of stopping an apocalypse?" I said.


    "No, it''s not, but I will say that is why God allowed it. Your interference, I mean. He, in his infinite wisdom, wanted to see if you would accomplish something he has been trying millennia to do unsuccessfully. Bring his wayward son back into the fold. Oh, and grow into a better person yourself, of course," he said.


    "You were this close too," he held his index finger and his thumb together, "but you goofed up the wording of your wish and didn''t succeed in what you were trying to do."


    "Wait! You''re right! My wish didn''t do what I wanted it to do. Do you know what this means?" I said, excited.


    "No. What does it mean?" he said, losing his patience.


    "It means I get another wish!" I said. "I can try again. Oh my God, I could hug you."


    "Please don''t," he said, irritably. "I just ironed this shirt."


    "Fine. Can you send me back? I want to try again," I said.


    "You didn''t explain why this gets you another wish," he said.


    "Oh. In the original bet with Lucifer, the deal was if I won, I would get a wish. But, if he didn''t deliver on what I wanted when making the wish in its entirety, regardless of how I worded it, it wouldn''t count, and I would get another wish," I said.


    "That is a lot of words to say that he had to adhere to the spirit of the wish rather than the literal interpretation," he said.


    "I suppose you could put it that way too, but I like my way of saying it better," I said.


    "Of course you do," he said, sighing.


    "So?" I asked.


    "So what?" he replied.


    "So, can I try again?" I said.


    "I suppose that is alright with me, and I know it will be alright with God," he said, sighing again.


    "Ok send m¡ª" I said.


    I appeared back in Hell, in front of a stunned Lucifer and Raphael.


    "Where''d you go?" Lucifer said. "Did my father summon you?"


    "Our father, but yes, did he summon you? And if so, why are you back?" Raphael said.


    "Because Lucifer owes me another wish," I said. "And no. It was an angel."


    "I do?" Lucifer said.


    "Yes. I stipulated that if you did not adhere to my wish the way I intended rather than the way I said it, I would get another wish. Remember?" I said.


    "Oh, yeah. I do remember you saying something like that," Lucifer said. "I bet I know what you''re going to wish for."


    "What''s that?" I said.


    "A pony," he said.


    "When did I get replaced by a twelve-year-old girl in your mind?" I said.


    "A few minutes ago," he said.


    "Right. Well, wish time. I wish for you to go into a dimension outside of time with Raphael and have him give you therapy until you acknowledge your part in your banishment from Heaven and are willing to ask God for forgiveness and mean it," I said.


    "Damn it. That''s a pretty good one. Well, we better get started, Raph," Lucifer said.


    Lucifer did the same concentration and hand gestures as before, and a rift opened in front of us.


    Raphael sighed and looked at me. "You''re going to kill me, kid."


    "Sorry," I said. "At least I''ll be going with you this time, so you''ll have back up."


    "You''re what?" Raphael said.


    "Dave, you''ll die," Lucifer said.


    "I''m already dead. For eternity, baby!" I said.


    "He''s got us there," Raphael said.


    "You can come, but you better not interfere with my therapy," Lucifer said.


    "Oh. Lucifer, I''m hurt. Why do think I would do such a thing?" I said, holding my hands over my heart.


    "Because I know you," he said.


    "Fair," I said. "Well, either way, it''s part of my wish, so you have to let me come with."


    "You didn''t say anything about coming with though," Lucifer said.


    "I didn''t have to. Spirit of the wish, remember?" I said.


    "He tricked you, Lucy. You got tricked," Raphael said.


    "You done got tricked, son. Pew, pew, pew," I said, doing finger guns.


    "Fine. Come on. We don''t have all day," he said.


    "Awesome!" I said.


    We all walked through the rift, and it closed behind us. I stood in the middle of floating space. I don''t mean I was floating in space. That''s different. I mean, I was standing on a hard surface and images of space surrounded us, but the hard surface was invisible. It was just there.


    "So when did it start? Your impotence, I mean," Raphael said to Lucifer.


    "I''m not impotent, you fool! I''m omnipotent!" Lucifer said.


    "No, you''re not," I said, idly, as I looked around.


    "No, you''re right. I''m not. I just thought it would sound clever," he said.


    "Mission accomplished then. But where''s the furniture? Also, don''t you think space is kind of depressing?" I said.


    "I guess we never really thought about it," Raphael said.


    "Wait, so you''ve just been doing stand up therapy for billions of years? No wonder you tried to kill each other!" I said. "Make a therapist''s chair for you, a chaise lounge for Lucifer to lie down on, and a guest chair or couch for me."


    Raphael clapped his hands together twice and a chair, a chaise lounge, and a couch appeared.


    "What the hell was that?" I said.


    "What?" Raphael said.


    "That clap thing you did," I said.


    "Oh, that''s what I do when I activate my powers to make something appear," he said.


    "Oh. I guess I''m just so used to Lucifer snapping his fingers that I assumed all angels, fallen or otherwise, did that," I said.


    "Nope. I clap. Twice," Raphael said.


    "I fart when I activate my powers," Lucifer said.


    "No, you don''t! Now lay down on the lounge chair," I said, pointing at the chaise lounge.


    "Yes, mother," he said.


    "Raph, can you make a therapy room around us? Put a bookcase here, a white board here, and make the sound system come from here, here, and here," I said, pointing at different parts of the room. "Oh, and put psychology books in the bookcase. Also, add a few random life advice books written by celebrities."


    Raphael clapped twice and everything appeared as I asked him to.


    "Good. Now this feels like real therapy," I said.


    "Also, maybe read some of those psychology books," I said.


    "Don''t you think if I could make them appear, that I would know what they contain already?" Raphael said.


    "I guess that''s a good point, but do you?" I said.


    "I do not," he said, hanging his head.


    "How are you supposed to be a therapist if you don''t know anything about therapy? No wonder it took you over 10 billion years the first time!" I said.


    "Fine. As you wish," Raphael picked out a book titled, "Therapy for Weenies." Then he sat down in the chair and began reading. Like a normal human. Slowly.


    "You don''t know how to speed read?" I said.


    "I do not. Other than divine magic, like Lucifer, I don''t know how to do a lot of things. We''re not humans. We''ve never had to actually live on Earth. So we have no earthly skills."


    "I see. Does that include social skills?" I asked.


    "Unfortunately, yes," Raphael said.


    "Speak for yourself, bud! I have great social skills!" Lucifer said.


    "What are you talking about? You''re like the most antisocial person I''ve ever met!" I said.


    "Doesn''t mean I don''t have social skills," Lucifer said, crossing his arms and looking away from me.


    "Uh, it kind of does," I said.


    "Agree to disagree," he said.


    "You''re making my point for me," I said.


    "Whatever," he said, pouting.


    "Wow. Ok. Well, Raph, just read all those books, and then we can get started," I said.


    "Ok," Raphael said.


    One year passed this way. Then another. And another. Raphael was a really slow reader and his comprehension skills were garbage. No offense to him. He just didn''t have any practice at it.


    After a few years, Lucifer and I developed a game we called Slap-Five, and it worked like this. You had to wind your arm as far back as it could go in whatever direction you wanted to start your slap. Then you would try to slap your opponent. You could slap them anywhere, but only the face counted for points. Person being slapped could block the slap by either high-fiving the slapper''s hand or clasping their hand into a handshake. The first person to get ten points won that round of the game.


    The beauty of the game was that there was no formal start or end time for the rounds. When one round ended, the next began. So you could catch your opponent unawares and slap the shit out of them. And since we were all invincible, including me, it didn''t really hurt. It was just surprising.


    One day, I was reading a celebrity book from the bookcase and Raphael said, "Done."


    "What?" I looked over at him. That was when Lucifer struck. He slapped me so hard, I tumbled off the couch.


    "Reading. I''m done reading," Raphael said.


    "Nice. Now we can start therapy. Get ready Lucifer, you''re about to get therapized," I said.


    After several years in the time rift, we were getting to the real work. I was excited.

 Chapter 16: Therapy

    Raphael sat down in the therapist''s chair, folding his wings neatly behind the back, and crossing one of his legs over the other. "Lucifer, I''d like to take this opportunity to get to know you better. What do you do in your free time?"


    "Well, I like clubbing baby seals, knocking the ice cream off kids'' ice cream cones, and long walks on the beach," he said sarcastically.


    "Lucifer, while I can appreciate your sense of humor, avoiding the question will not make it go away. Understand, I want to know who you are. Who Lucifer really is. Not the Devil, or Satan, but you, Lucifer Morningstar," Raphael said.


    He was off to an incredible start. He really did seem to learn and absorb the information about therapy and psychology in those books. He wasn''t even talking like Raphael, the archangel, anymore. He was talking like Raphael, the therapist.


    "I don''t know if I can do that. What if you hate me? The real me?" He said, suddenly seeming very small.


    "Lucifer, I could never hate you. You''re my brother. I love you. This isn''t very therapist of me, but I''m aware of a vast majority of your decisions, in heaven and in hell, and I don''t hate you. What would revealing your inner thoughts do to change that?" Raphael said.


    "Well, I think mostly of myself and my needs before the needs of others. I take what I want, regardless of how it affects other people. I hate a vast majority of the people I''ve met, including a large portion of our family, yourself not included anymore. I''ve hurt millions of people to get what I want, and I''m about to be the reason the world ends," he said, poking his index fingers together.


    "Brother, no offense intended here, but I already knew all of that. Is there anything else you think could change my mind about you?" Raphael said.


    "Well, I stole someone from heaven because I wanted her to be my girlfriend," he said, looking down.


    Raphael cleared his throat and leaned forward slightly. "Could you clarify what you mean by that?"


    "I tricked someone who was perfect in every way. She was surely destined for heaven, and I tricked her into selling me her soul. I thought she was so good that she could make me whole. Make me a better person, he said.


    "What happened?" Raphael said, his grip on the arms of the chair tightening slightly.


    "She was too good. She hates me. She wants nothing to do with me. I tried to give her back, but apparently that''s against the rules. Once a soul has been bargained, that''s it. They belong in whatever realm or dimension that the person they bargained with belongs in," he said, crying with his head in his hands.


    "She lives in a wing of my castle now and never comes out. All she does is watch hallmark movies all day and drink wine coolers. And cries. She cries a lot. I wish I didn''t have such good hearing. I can hear everything she does. Especially the crying. I moved to the other side of the castle, thinking I wouldn''t be able to hear her anymore, but I was wrong."


    I noticed a flaw in his logic. Or at least a way to correct his mistake. If bargained souls had to stay in the dimension that the person they bargained with belong in, he could simply make himself belong in Heaven again.


    If he did that, then she would be able to enter Heaven and be happy and heal from her negative experiences in Hell. That would require Lucifer to make a great sacrifice of his pride, and apologize to God for his hubris and ask for forgiveness, but it was an option.


    Raphael let go of the chair''s arms and relaxed back into his seat. "Did you learn anything from that experience?"


    "Yes. Don''t trick people into bargains. Only make deals with people who want to," he said.


    "That''s very good, Lucifer. Is there anything else you would like to say?" he said.


    "Yes, there is. I''m sorry for stealing your robes, so you had to wear the same one every day. I did it because you liked me and I thought if I did it, you would know it was me and hate me for it. I thought that if I made you reject me, I would feel in control and less vulnerable, but you never noticed. So I had to watch you suffer every day and still care about me. I''m sorry," Lucifer said, still crying.


    "That was you? That, I did not know, but it makes sense. You seem to engage in self-destructive behaviors in an attempt to feel safe, but it doesn''t work, does it?" Raphael said.


    "No. It doesn''t. I don''t know why I keep doing it, thinking something is going to change. I know I have to change to make my life better, but it seems so impossible that I give up at the first sign of difficulty," Lucifer said, wiping his eyes.


    "I think we''ve made a lot of progress today, but I don''t want you to experience emotional or mental fatigue, so I''m going to stop the session here. We can pick it back up tomorrow," Raphael said. "I''m going for a walk." He walked towards a wall, materialized a door and went through it, closing it behind him.


    "He could do that this whole time?" I said.


    "So can I," Lucifer said, snapping his fingers, and another door appeared.


    "Right," I said. I''m going to sleep. Wake me up when the next session happens.


    It was obvious that Lucifer''s confession had affected Raphael. He was going on a walk to cool off, so he didn''t display his emotions to Lucifer. That would undo the progress Lucifer had made today, and Raphael was starting to act like a professional instead of strangling Lucifer when he got angry.


    If we made this level of progress every day, we''d be done in less than a year. None of that 10 billion years non sense.


    I didn''t want to have to do this, but I''m going to reveal my true motives for this wish. Ultimately, my goal all along has been self preservation. As soon as I heard about the apocalypse plot, I knew I had to be involved, not out of some altruistic goodness of my heart, but because somewhere deep down, I knew that if I didn''t get involved, the plan to stop it would fail. Now you might call that hubris or pride, but I call it intuition.Stolen story; please report.


    It''s what got me to the final table in many tournaments and sometimes allowed me to win the whole thing. That is, until I realized none of my success made me happy and I drank myself into gambling debt and enforcers started breaking my fingers.


    When I''m sober, though, my intuition works like a well-oiled machine. It allows me to figure out solutions to problems with seemingly impossible odds, and even though I don''t know how I beat Lucifer at the bet, I know following my intuition was at least partially responsible.


    So, while I liked helping my friend grow and heal, that wasn''t my only goal from this wish. My goal was to find a way to come back to life and stop the apocalypse. Since Lucifer couldn''t bring me back to life, I knew I had to involve God. What does God like? He likes selfless acts, sacrifice, and helping others. Giving up my wish to help Lucifer become a better person fulfilled all those requirements. The only thing I didn''t foresee was how hard it would be to do that.


    That wasn''t a problem, though. I just had to put in some extra work. What was a million or even a billion years or more in the face of an eternity in Hell? I figured if I saved the world from an apocalypse, I could at least buy myself into Purgatory, to avoid all that Hell business. While I didn''t mind temporary suffering, I sure as hell didn''t have it in me to endure eternal suffering. Maybe if I saved the world a few more times, I could get into Heaven when I die again. Who knows?


    The next few sessions were slower than the first. It felt like every session he would take two steps forward, but then one step back before the next session. I wished he would just take one step forward and stay there instead of giving me false hope we were going to get there quicker.


    Lucifer built his own room out of the side of the therapy room. Every day he would show up in more and more casual clothes until one day he showed up in booty shorts and a mesh shirt. Raphael and I made him change.


    After that, he just showed up in sweat pants and some graphic t-shirt that was too on the nose for my taste. One day the shirt said "Hell''s angel," the next it said "Why do I smell sulfur?" and the next it said "I''m with stupid" but the arrow pointed up at his own face. That last one I actually liked. I agreed with the statement.


    I basically lived on the couch. None of us had to eat or use the restroom or drink water, so we didn''t have any facilities for that. Technically, we didn''t even have to change clothes, because I was a soul and they were angels. Our bodies didn''t get dirty or oily over time like humans did. Man, did I miss food, though. It created such a nice mental break where you could relax and just enjoy the sensations in your mouth. That sounds weird.


    "Can we have food breaks?" I said one day.


    "What, you mean like meals?" Raphael said, reading a book written by a celebrity.


    "Yeah. I feel like it would help with our mental health. I know it would help with mine," I said.


    "Sure," he said.


    "And fiction books, and music, and TV. And personal space," I said.


    After that day, the dimension slowly turned into a house. With a park outside for walks. We all got our own rooms and spaces and TVs. It started to turn into a mansion, but we decided to downsize because it was talking too long to walk to the therapy room. Then it was just a large house with a therapy room.


    I sat in on every session, but I rarely said anything. I liked to watch Lucifer make progress. It made me feel like I was actually accomplishing something. And I was accomplishing something outside of therapy. I had won the last five rounds of Slap-Five and Lucifer and I would watch TV and movies together. We were starting to become real friends. Raphael would join us occasionally, but he intentionally kept some distance to maintain the appearance that he was a professional therapist.


    He seemed to be doing well mentally, though, when I would check on him. He was always doing something creative, like painting, or writing, or playing an instrument. He wrote a lot of poems and short stories. I would read them on occasion.


    He even held small concerts where Lucifer and I would listen to him play piano or classical guitar. I would join him in painting on occasion too, but my work was never as good as his. He was so skilled he could recreate the Mona Lisa, and no one would be able to tell the difference.


    Lucifer never pursued anything really creative. He was more into games. We would play poker together sometimes, but I would always win. Mostly because he had gotten so easy to read. I wouldn''t say I was particularly skilled at reading people, but most doctors wouldn''t say they were particularly skilled at treating people either. Trust me, I''ve asked.


    He also liked to play computer games. His favorite was a role playing game where he got to play a knight who would go on quests and save damsels in distress. It was called Dungeons and Damsels. I played it a few times, but I couldn''t get into it. At least not as much as him. The dungeons were decent but saving damsels always went the same way.


    There was a woman trapped in a tower of a castle and you had to save them from some monster, like a dragon or a vampire. You''d save them, then they would always profess their love to you and would want to make love immediately to express their eternal gratitude.


    I was always worried that more monsters would show up, but they never did. The scenes were also a little too steamy and romantic for my taste. Lucifer seemed to eat it up, though. I think he secretly wanted to be the hero in his life''s story. Not the villain that he was always made out to be. I wanted that for him, too.


    Whenever a TV show or movie portrayed the Devil as a villain, he would immediately change it to something else. I think he cried about it sometimes, because one time I walked by the bathroom, which we had now, since we were eating food again, and I heard him sobbing. I assumed it was because of how others or he perceived himself, but I suppose he could have just been having a hard time in the bathroom.


    On Friday nights, Raphael would cook an extravagant meal for all of us. We called them Raphael''s Chef Nights. We weren''t particularly good at naming things. It always got us chatting and socializing. Lucifer would always talk about the latest TV show or movie he had watched or the latest damsel he had saved. Raphael would always talk about his creative pursuits. And I just enjoyed the company.


    It all ended on a rainy Sunday. Raphael had instituted weather outside the house, because he said it was therapeutic. I didn''t disagree. Sun was good for the mind and rain was good for the soul.


    Lucifer was deep in introspection that day. "I always hurt people because I''m afraid of being hurt. If I was truly strong and powerful like I pretend to be, I could handle rejection, but instead, I reject others before they can reject me. I did it to my brothers, I did to my father, and I did it to you, Dave. I''m sorry. I don''t want to be that person anymore."


    Raphael took down some notes and said, "I think that''s where we''ll end today''s session, and I think that concludes our last session. It was great working with you, Lucifer, and you, Dave. I think Lucifer is ready for the next step."


    "What step would that be?" Lucifer said through teary eyes.


    "Apologizing and asking for forgiveness from father. Remember?" He said.


    "Oh, yeah. I think I might actually be ready to do that now. If I can apologize in here, I can surely apologize out there to him," he said optimistically.


    I think he was underestimating how hard it was going to be, but I didn''t want to bring his spirits down or discourage him. "Good job, Lucifer," I said, with a smile that I didn''t feel. Instead of joy, I felt anxiety and fear. Fear that it wouldn''t last. Fear that he would fail. I wasn''t going to let him see that, though. He needed to go into it with a clear mind.


    And with that, the house began to dismantle and fall apart around us until we were standing in space again. A rift opened in front of us and we all stepped through.

 Chapter 17: The Offer

    We walked out of the rift, and it closed behind us. Lucifer threw himself dramatically to the ground and cried out. "Father!"


    I half expected a deep booming voice to go, "Yes, my son?" But that didn''t happen.


    "Father! I''m sorry! I was wrong to question you and to think I was smarter and better than you and more handsome," he said. Lucifer cried into the ground for several minutes.


    I walked up to Lucifer and put my hand on his shoulder. "I don''t think you have to cry that long."


    "But I want to cry!" he said, shrugging off my hand. He sobbed into his hands for another ten minutes, and then a blinding light came down from the sky.


    "My son. That is enough. You needn''t cry any longer. Come back home and we shall discuss your future," a deep booming voice said. I wondered if that was God or simply an angel speaking for Him. He didn''t seem the type to make public appearances. Especially not in Hell.


    "Yes, father," Lucifer replied. "But I have no wings to fly."


    "I shall return them to you on the condition that you come straight to me. Skip past the front desk," the voice said. "I shall warn them in advance."


    "Thank you, father," Lucifer said. A concentrated beam of light hit Lucifer and he groaned. He didn''t scream, but he was in pain. He ripped his shirt and suit jacket off and threw them to the ground. On his back were vestigial wings beginning to grow in.


    They quickly grew and spurted from his back and extended out into the full form I was used to seeing from Raphael, but they were larger and grander somehow. They glowed with subtle white light. I was seeing something momentous. The greatest angel to ever live was getting back his wings. He stretched and retracted them to get the feel for them again, and then took off into the sky. He flew into the light that was coming down from the Heavens and disappeared.


    "So now wha¡ª" I began to say to Raphael, but when I looked to my right, he wasn''t there. Not because he left, but because I did. I was sitting across a table from the same angel who had summoned me the first time.


    He was giving me a peculiar look. He was smiling in an admiring way, but his eyes were narrowed like he was inspecting me. Trying to see what he had missed the first time. At least he was smiling. The time before, he had been frowning and not in a very welcoming way. This time, it was more like he was curious about me. Wanted to understand me, but didn''t want to do it the normal way, by just talking to me.


    "Are you going to stare at me all day, or are you going to say something?" I asked, a little bewildered.


    "I will stop, since it seems to be bothering you, but I hope it makes you feel better to know that I''m not scrutinizing you because I dislike you. I''m scrutinizing you because I was wrong about you before. I thought you had failed, but you had merely taken the first step toward success," he said.


    "Now, we must talk. There are some logistics that need to be discussed, but first I must congratulate you on achieving something even God himself could not. Getting Lucifer to come home. You see, God had not banished him as he thinks. God simply wanted to give him a time out, so to speak. A moment to clear his head and think about what he had done."


    "But days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months, months turned into years, and years turned into centuries, and centuries turned into millennia. He never pulled himself out of time out. He chose to stay in it, thinking that was where he belonged. God has long since forgiven him for his transgression. God regretted the time out moments after he had delivered it, but Lucifer did not seek to reconcile."


    "You see, divine law required Lucifer to want forgiveness in order for him to receive it. Forgiveness is not a one-way street. Someone can forgive another in their mind, but it does not take hold and achieve an effect until the recipient desires to receive it."


    "You cannot simply forgive someone who thinks they have done nothing wrong. It merely deflects off of them and usually makes them angrier and more convinced they are right than before. So God waited and waited and waited, but Lucifer never came. Only through you has the prodigal son returned. But herein lies the problem."


    "What problem is that?" I asked. I was a smart person. I knew that, but I didn''t know what he was referring to. I was missing something.


    "Up until recently, Lucifer has ruled over Hell. Now, he has re-ascended to Heaven. Who shall run Hell in his absence? Hell does not run itself. I can assure you of that. Without Lucifer, Hell will devolve into chaos. Demons will fall out of line, souls will escape, and apocalyptic scenarios may come to pass," he said, drumming his fingers on the table.


    Oh no. Now I understood the problem, and I also understood how they wanted to solve it. They wanted me to take over Hell. I was trying to earn my way out of Hell, not rule over it.


    "No, no, no, no, no, no, no! It''s not happening! I refuse! You can''t make me do it, and even if you can, I won''t," I said.


    "You haven''t even heard my proposal. Although, it''s not my proposal really. It''s God''s proposal. You would defy the will of God?" he said. "I''m disappointed. I thought you had potential, but I guess I was wrong.


    "First off, I didn''t say that. Second, don''t you dare try to use my pride against me. I''m self aware enough to see manipulation when I see it, and I thought you angels were above that," I said.


    "Angels aren''t above manipulation, but they are bad at it. It doesn''t come naturally to them, like it does to me. That is what I do here in Heaven. They needed someone who had skill at it, unlike those bumbling buffoons. Don''t get me wrong. They are good people. But they''re too stiff. Too rigid. Afraid to get their hands dirty for the greater good. That''s where I come in," he said, smiling with his teeth showing for the first time. Their sharp points glinted in the light.


    "If you''re not an angel, then are you a demon?" I asked. This was curious. I never thought Heaven would employ a demon. I figured they would be strictly against that.


    "Not technically no. I am half-demon, half-angel. The virtue of an angel, but the skills of a demon," he said. I saw a flicker behind him and after looking closer, I noticed a white spaded tail waving in the air. I didn''t see it before because it blended in with the white room.


    "Interesting. And I don''t say that often," I said. "While I''m aware that revealing something secret about yourself is also a manipulation technique to get me to trust you more, I don''t necessarily think you mean to do me harm. So you may continue," I said.


    "Thank you," he said, steepling his short, thin fingers. "While I am using manipulation tactics, I''m not doing it out of malice. It is simply in my nature to talk this way. The pure angels find it irritating. I don''t fit in well. And while I know that you know that revealing my life''s difficulties is another manipulation tactic, I implore you to listen to what I have to say."


    "You shouldn''t assume all forms of manipulation are bad. I would argue that therapy is a form of manipulation, but you''ve just seen the good that it can do. I would also argue that you shouldn''t shy away from using manipulation yourself. It is an excellent tool. Especially when dealing with beings as insubordinate as demons. Pure demons, I mean. While I have been known to avoid my duties at times, I have never displayed the pure malice and hatred of authority and order as pure demons do."


    He had made some decent points. Maybe I would need manipulation in my future. Especially, after he''s convinced me my best option is to take the position as ruler of Hell. I was no fool. He wouldn''t be offering this to me if he thought I wasn''t the right person for the job, and he wouldn''t be offering this to me if he thought I couldn''t be convinced.This book is hosted on another platform. Read the official version and support the author''s work.


    "Let''s say I do take over as administrator of Hell. What do I get in return? You have to acknowledge that this isn''t a win-win scenario for me. It''s a win-lose. Heaven wins, I lose. I''m not taking the job a good salary and benefits, if you know what I mean," I said.


    "If by that you mean monetary compensation, health insurance, and retirement planning, then yes, I do know what you mean," he said, tapping the tips of his fingers together.


    "Yes, that is what I mean. That said, I require more than just those things to convince me. Offer me something I want that I don''t know I want yet," I said, leaning forward over the table slightly.


    "Power, unlimited energy, free room and board, a castle that you can build and reshape however you want to whatever size and scale that you want, a budget, a staff, servants, butlers, women, paid time off. The list goes on for a long time, but you get the picture. This is the contract with an exhaustive list of compensation and benefits, as well as Heaven''s requirements of you in so far as it pertains to your role as Administrator of Hell," he said.


    He pulled out a massive stack of papers from under the table and slapped them in front of me. I looked under the table to see where he got it from, but there was nothing there to rest the contract on. He seemingly pulled it from thin air. I guess I shouldn''t have been surprised. Divine magic seemed to be able to conjure nearly anything.


    I began to look over the contract. Normally I would skip this stuff, but this could dictate my daily existence for an eternity potentially. Although he did mention retirement, so it couldn''t be forever. Just a really long time. The list of benefits was extensive. I couldn''t possibly list them all here. So instead, I will bring them up as they become relevant or important.


    Although, were a few minor benefits that really caught my eye in their specificity and their implications. "The ability to date and pursue a relationship with Margaret Blackscorn," "access to Heaven, Hell, Paradise, and Purgatory," "guest privileges," and "vacation time in Heaven," stood out to me.


    With these combined benefits, Margaret and I could not only date but also vacation in Heaven together. We wouldn''t have to be miserable in Hell forever. We could have brief moments of happiness in Heaven. Although Margaret seemed to be fine with the environment in Hell. It was me who was bothered by it.


    There were also some other cool things, like supernatural powers and true immortality. True immortality not being full invincibility, but the inability to age and the ability to come back to life after dying.


    It stated that the average time required to re-compile my body was between 14 and 24 hours. Which removed the fear of death, but it didn''t remove the possibility of failing to stop the apocalypse. If I died and the apocalypse happened while I was re-compiling, it was still the end of the world, regardless of me being alive or not.


    So in the end, I would still fear dying, but not because of the death part. Because of the time delay. And to make things worse, the contract stipulated that if I failed to stop an early apocalypse, or any other mission I may be assigned, all benefits and retirement would be forfeit.


    That ''any other mission I may be assigned'' part worried me. What if they gave me an impossible task? I''d still have to succeed in my mission regardless of whether it was possible or not, or I would lose all privileges, rights, and benefits.


    On top of that, it stipulated that I wouldn''t be relieved of my position or the tools I needed to do the job upon failure. I would simply no longer be compensated in any way for my job. Similar to how Lucifer was treated before he redeemed himself.


    Well, that sucked. I guess I better not fail then. It also stated that upon acceptance of the job, I would be resurrected and given powers to attempt to stop the currently looming antichrist apocalypse. They didn''t state if the powers given would be enough, so I assumed they wouldn''t be and figured I would need all the help I could get.


    This meant that if I wanted to survive in any real sense, I had to take the job. Since I already made my wish granted by Lucifer, I would likely be sent back to Hell unpunished but not elevated to Purgatory or Heaven. So I''d just be a soul wandering Hell for all eternity. Deep down, before I even looked at the contract, I knew I would end up having to take the job.


    Oh well. I guess it wasn''t all bad. I''d get paid time off in Heaven, which the contract stipulated would take place outside of normal time, so I wouldn''t end up missing an apocalypse somehow while I was gone, or Hell''s bureaucracy wouldn''t fall apart.


    The detailed list of stipulations covered all of my immediate questions, worries, and concerns, so I guess I was satisfied. I knew things would come up I hadn''t thought about and the job would be even harder than I expected it to be, but versus an eternity of being homeless in Hell, I knew it was the better option.


    "Ok, I''ll take it. Where do I sign? I don''t have to sign in my own blood, do I?" I said.


    "No, only Hell makes people do that. Heaven just attaches the contract to your soul, so that you are forced to adhere to its rules," he said.


    "That sounds worse somehow," I said.


    "It''s not," he said.


    "I don''t believe you, but I guess it doesn''t matter because I''m still going to sign anyway," I said.


    "You are correct," he said. He handed me a pen and said, "Sign here, here, here, here, here, here, and here. Oh and here, as well as here. And then initial here, here, and here."


    I did as he said and signed every spot he pointed out as well as initialed the places I was supposed to. He took the pen and put it in his pocket, then he took the contract and placed it somewhere under the table, but when I looked, it was gone. Typical.


    "Well, Dave, it''s been nice working with you. We''ll probably be seeing each other again, so in light of that eventuality, my name is Keir," Keir said.


    He stuck out his hand over the table and I shook it awkwardly. "I would same my name is Dave, Keir, but you already know that. It was interesting to meet you," I said.


    "That''s very direct and honest. We''ll see how that works out in Hell," he said.


    When I blinked and opened my eyes, I was in front of Lucifer and a giant, blinding light.


    "Hey, you," I said. I pointed to the light while putting my hand in front of my eyes. "Is that God?"


    "It is," he said. "My father in all his glory."


    "He just looks like bright light to me. I can''t see anything," I said.


    "You''re not ready to see him, Dave. But you will one day. You will," Lucifer said, putting his around my shoulder. "I assume Keir gave you the rundown?"


    "Yeah. So I''m your replacement?" I said.


    "Yeah. Seems fitting, doesn''t it?" he said.


    "How so?" I said.


    "I don''t know. You just seem like the right person for the job. You''re good, but you''re not too good. You''re smart, you''re relatively charming, and you always seem to succeed at everything you try to do. Eventually," he said. "You''re not as charming as me, of course, but no one is except my father, and Jesus, of course. The heavenly spirit is kind of just there. The word charm doesn''t apply to how it operates."


    "Right," I said. "You''re complimenting me, but I can tell you''re not doing it to manipulate me like Keir, so I''ll accept it."


    "Yeah, Keir is like that. He tries to be sincere, but he never comes off that way. That''s just part of his nature," Lucifer said. "He''s not a bad guy, though. He does his job, and he does it well. And everything turns out for the best. That''s all you can really ask for."


    "I suppose that''s true. Well, either way, it''s been nice knowing you, Lucifer. Good luck with your new role. Old role? Good luck in your newly reacquired role. That''s it," I said, smiling and offering my hand to shake.


    Lucifer took it and shook, but he looked slightly confused. "What do you mean? I''m coming back with you. Didn''t Keir tell you?"


    "No, he didn''t, and it wasn''t in the contract," I said.


    "It wouldn''t be in the contract, because my father just floated it to me as an idea. He thinks it would be a good idea if I trained you to take over my position, rather than throwing you to the metaphorical wolves. Which are demons in this case. Which are actually worse than wolves," he said.


    "So you would be my guardian angel, essentially?" I said.


    "Essentially, yeah," he said.


    "Hmm. I like it," I said. "Can I talk to God?"


    "Sure. He''s rather brief and concise, so you can''t really pal around with him like you do me. He''s not that kind of guy. But you can talk to him. Jesus surprisingly isn''t just hanging around much, so you can''t say hi to him. He spends most of his time appearing to people on pieces of toast," Lucifer said.


    "What?" I said.


    "I''m just kidding. He spends most of his time visiting people in heaven and on earth and spreading his love. Not in a gross way. In a heavenly way. Or a ''holy'' way, you might even say," he said, laughing and looking at God.


    A deep booming voice laughed a hearty laugh. I didn''t understand the joke.


    "Right," I said. I turned to the bright light still covering my eyes. It was like trying to look directly into the sun, but worse somehow. "Well, sir, your holiness. I appreciate you, even if I don''t understand you at times. They say you work in mysterious ways though, so I guess I shouldn''t be surprised there. So thanks for godding your godliness and stuff."


    "Dave. Thank you for your service. You will be rewarded for your sacrifice. Know that I love you and will always be with you, wherever you are," He said.


    "Even in the bathroom?" I said. I couldn''t resist making the joke. I joke when I''m nervous and God made me really nervous. Although, I guess I shouldn''t be more nervous standing in front of God than being anywhere else, because he could see everything.


    "No," He said. No laugh or awkward explanation. Just no. Perfectly, Godly.


    "Ok, well, are you going to send me off, or do I step into a portal or some¡ª" I said, but was cut off.


    Suddenly, I was in my apartment, but not in my body. I floated around for a while and watched a detective look everything over. It took me a while to figure it out, but I realized I was supposed to go back into my body. So that''s what I did. And then the detective lost his mind. Three gunshots rang out in my apartment.

 Chapter 18: Resurrection

    "Ow, is what I would say if that hurt," I said, looking at my chest and peeling the 3 flattened bullets off my shirt. Luckily, it hadn''t torn. I don''t know what I would''ve done if this guy ruined my favorite shirt. It was a charcoal grey graphic tee with just the word "Beans" on it.


    "Instead, I will say, how dare you fire a gun at an unarmed civilian!" I said, looking at the detective with his gun aimed at me.


    His hands were shaking, and his face was twisted with fear. "You, you were dead, and now you''re alive!" he said.


    "Are we just stating facts? You''re a detective and you shot me, an unarmed civilian! See, I can do it too," I said.


    "You''re not supposed to be alive! You''re supposed to be dead!" he said, his voice wavering.


    I looked at the man and sighed. I was sitting on the couch, because that''s what I was doing when I died. I grabbed the remote and tried to turn the TV on, but his body was in the way. I tried holding my arm out to the side to get around him, but it didn''t work.


    "You make a better door than a window," I said.


    "What?" he said, confused.


    "Move out of the way!" I yelled.


    He blasted me three more times with his gun, but these smushed against my forehead. I peeled them off irritably and threw the three bullets at him. "Ow!" he said.


    "I''m trying to turn on the TV. Move! I want to see if Steve is on the news," I said.


    "Steve? Who''s Steve?" he said.


    "He''s the guy in the white suit who''s probably terrorizing Las Vegas right now," I said. I finally scooted to the far right side of the couch to see the TV because the detective wasn''t budging. I turned on the TV and changed it to a news channel.


    "Oh, that guy? He destroyed Vegas already. He''s moved on to Reno," he said, backing towards the door. He fumbled with the doorknob, opened the door and said, "I''m going to get backup. Don''t go anywhere." Then he left and closed the door behind him.


    Something important occurred to me as he closed the door. The sword! Azrael''s sword! I ran to the door and opened it. The guy was already a hundred feet away from me. How fast could this guy run?


    "Hey guy!" I yelled.


    He stopped and turned around. "What?" He looked annoyed, but I couldn''t care less about that. I needed that sword and the police had no right to take it, assuming they committed such a heinous act.


    "Where''s the sword?" I yelled down the hallway.


    "What sword?" He yelled back.


    He didn''t know about the sword. If they had taken a flaming sword that could melt through concrete like butter, they would have told him about it. The entire department would know about it. Hell, they might even throw a party where they cut office equipment to pieces with it. Meaning they hadn''t found it. Time to check the apartment.


    "Nevermind!" I yelled back.


    "Ok!" He yelled and began bolting to the elevator again. That little man was fast!


    I tore the apartment apart. I looked under the couch, under the sink, under the toilet. I looked everywhere it could possibly be under. The place was in shambles when I was done.


    Lucifer popped into existence in the living room and looked around. "Nice. Everything is exactly where we left it. The cops didn''t ransack your apartment. I don''t know from experience, but I''ve heard they have a bad habit of doing that when looking for clues. Well, they added those evidence markers there, there, and there. And there, but besides adding things to your apartment, they didn''t do anything to it. Good."


    "Lucifer! Please tell me you have the sword," I said, making prayer hands.


    "Yes, I have the sword. I even went to the liberty of exorcising Lilith from it. She is safe and sound in Hell as we speak. Filling out paperwork. In her office," he said, smiling his devilish grin.


    Wait. Was he still the Devil? Was he still Satan? Or did those go away now that he had been reinstated? Was Satan a name or a title?


    "Are you the Devil? Are you Satan?" I said.


    "Are you having a stroke?" he said, looking genuinely concerned.


    "No. I mean, do you keep those titles now that you''re reinstated as an angel?" I said.


    "Hmm. I hadn''t thought about it," he said, stroking his chin. "Well, technically, I''m not a devil anymore, because I''m an ascended angel now, not a fallen one. And Satan just means, ''adversary''. So no, those titles don''t apply to me anymore," he said.


    "Huh. I guess I generally just call you Lucifer in my head, but it''s weird knowing that you''re just Lucifer now," I said.Support the author by searching for the original publication of this novel.


    "You say, ''just Lucifer'' like it''s a bad thing. Those titles were the bad things and now that''s not me anymore. You should be happy for me!" he said.


    "I am happy for you! It''s just a lot to adjust to is what I''m saying," I said.


    "Speaking of adjusting, how are you adjusting to the powers?" he said.


    "What powers? So far, all I have is just invincibility still, and I''m pretty sure that''s just because you never turned it off," I said.


    "Oh. Oh! I forgot! I have to pass on the crown," he said.


    "The crown? What crown?" I said, confused.


    "The Crown of Corruption. Hold on a second. Don''t look," he said. He unbuttoned his shirt and then plunged his hand in his chest. After a few moments of fumbling around, he pulled out a crown, freshly soaked in blood and tissue. It looked like tissue had grown around it, because it had been in there so long.


    "Ew!" I said, shielding my eyes.


    "I told you not to look!" he said.


    "I mean, I can''t not look at the crown. It''s gross. You''re not going to put that in me, are you?" I said.


    "I mean, I was, but not if you don''t want me to. This is the only way you get the powers of administrator of Hell though. I will say a lot of the powers are redundant with my own angel powers like teleportation, but not all of them. The darkness manipulation only comes from the crown. And the hellfire. And the zombies," he said.


    "There are zombies?" I said, scratching my head.


    "No. But you do get cool minions. I won''t spoil it. Also, from what God told me after you left, some powers are unique to the individual bearing the crown. Isn''t that cool? So you''ll have powers I never had! I can''t wait to see them! This is so exciting! I haven''t been this excited since I was born!" he said.


    "Hmm. Interesting. Ok, I''ll take it, but you have to wash it off first. I''m not putting parts of your body in my body. That''s nasty. Also, I didn''t mean it to sound like that," I said.


    "Sure you didn''t," he said, winking. He walked over to the sink and began to wash all the gross gunk off the crown. When he was done, he walked back over to me and presented to me a beautiful golden crown with black jewels inlaid around the outside. He handed it to me. "The jewels light up with different colors as you activate the powers. You can''t technically see them, because they''ll be inside you, but you can sense them lighting up and which colors are activated."


    "Cool," I said. "This thing isn''t going to make me turn evil, is it?"


    "No. The Crown of Corruption is just an edgy name. That''s all," he said. "Try it on."


    "Ok," I said. I put the crown on my head, because that''s the first thing that came to mind when he said, ''try it on.''


    "Don''t put it there!" he said.


    "Why?" I said, after already taking my hands off the crown. I immediately put my hands back on it and tried to take it off, but it wouldn''t budge.


    "It''s just going to feel really weird, that''s all," he said, looking concerned.


    I felt as the crown began to dig into the skin around my skull. It dug through the skin, then the bone. He was right. It did feel weird. It kept shrinking and shrinking until it passed all the way through my skull and wrapped around my brain. I had a terrible headache for a split second and then the feeling was gone. The crown wasn''t in my head anymore. I could sense that it was vaguely in my body, but in no specific place.


    "Thanks for warning me after I already put it on my head," I said.


    "Sorry! I thought you''d know since I pulled it out of my chest, but it''s over now, and you''re fine," he said, shrugging.


    "True," I said. "So, when is it supposed to light up?"


    "Pretty close to immediately. You should start with at least one ability," Lucifer said.


    Then I felt it. A jewel lit up purple in my head. "Oh, I got a dark purple jewel. What does that mean?"


    "Teleportation," he said confidently.


    "Nice. That''s exactly what I needed," I said.


    "Well, I should get going. I just came by to drop off the sword and the crown. Apparently, being retrained for my position by Raphael," he said.


    "Thanks for everything, Lucifer. I feel like a new man because of you. And you didn''t even have to kill me to do it," I said, grinning.


    "But I totally would have if you hadn''t died first," he said.


    "We both know you didn''t have it in you at the end there," I said.


    "No, I would''ve done it. I was just getting my fingers warmed-up," he said.


    "Yeah, you keep telling yourself that, buddy," I said. "I''ve got an antichrist to stop. Wait! Where''s Sarah? You told me where Lilith is, but what about her?"


    "Oh, yeah. Sarah went back to her mom''s. She said she''d had enough adventure for a lifetime and left. She told me to tell you to visit her after you''d saved the world," he said. "She said she had something to tell you."


    "Oh, mysterious," I said. "What is she going to say? She''s the one who killed me?" I laughed.


    Lucifer laughed too. "Yeah, right! That would be hilarious! You fight demons, get dropped into the molten core of the earth, and fight the literal antichrist, somehow come back from that, and then your ex-girlfriend finally does you in. Call me when pigs fly, too."


    "I will," I said, with a serious expression. "When do I get my own immortality thingy? Or is it already set up? And how does it work? Where do I respawn?"


    "Oh, your immortality and invincibility are already set up. I transferred it to you when I touched your shoulder. You''re invincible to everything except divine powers and magic. If you are killed, you respawn in a primordial ooze pit in the center of my castle, which is now your castle. The pit is a lot like a hot tub. There are towels set up nearby to wipe yourself off with, too. You can do whatever you want with the castle, and the pit, for that matter. You can reshape it and restyle it however you want. You can even move things from one place to another. Want a bathroom that connects to another bathroom? Why not?" he said, spreading his arms wide.


    "How am I able to control the castle?" I said.


    "The crown ties you inexorably to Hell. Technically, your control is not limited to the castle. You can build, tear down, rebuild, and reshape Hell however you want," he said.


    "Does that mean I can change the circles and choose how to punish sinners?" I said, rubbing my hands together. I was getting ideas.


    "Yeah. If you want. You can do whatever you want to Hell. You just can''t unmake it and you can''t banish souls from Hell. God decides where people go, and if they go to Hell, then that''s where they''ll stay," he said.


    "Does overcrowding become an issue?" I said.


    "No. Hell, like Heaven, Purgatory, and even the universe, is ever expanding. It gets larger as needed, based on occupancy."


    "Interesting. I have too many ideas I want to try," I said.


    "I see that evil look in your eye, and I like it. With that, you''ll go far in Hell," he said.


    "Evil? I was going for excited," I said.


    "Same thing," he said.


    "Huh. I''m not going to argue with that. So. See you around?" I said.


    Lucifer nodded. "See you around. I''ll be keeping my eyes on you. Yes, even in the bathroom."


    "Gross. Weirdo," I said.


    "Nah, I''m just kidding. See you later, Dave," he snapped his fingers and Lucifer was gone.


    As soon as he left, I heard someone say on the other side of my front door, "Breaching." Seconds later, my door exploded inwards into chunks of wood. A swat team quickly marched into my studio apartment. Needless to say, it was cramped.


    "Put your hands up!" One of them said.


    "Get on the ground, face down!" Another said.


    I threw my hands up in the air and said, "Which is it? I can''t do both."

 Chapter 19: New Sheriff in Town

    Different swat team members yelled directions at me.


    "Put your hands up!"


    "Get on the ground face down!"


    "Do the Hokey Pokey and you turn yourself around, that''s what it''s all about!" I said, doing a goofy dance. "You guys better not shoot up my apartment. I''m still paying the landlord back for when the oven went out."


    "Hold on. You''re not supposed to have to pay your landlord when something breaks. That''s illegal," one of them said.


    "John, you''re not helping!" the leader said. "Now listen to me and only me. Get down on the ground and put your hands behind your back!"


    I got down on the ground like he said and put my hands behind my back. He cuffed me. "Now stand up!"


    When I tried to stand up, the cuffs broke. "Oops," I said, showing them the broken cuffs. I guess I had super strength now too. I might need to hold back a little with these guys or they could get hurt.


    I ripped the cuffs off my wrists and looked at their gear. They had multiple sets of cuffs just hanging off their bodies. I grabbed a pair off the leader and grabbed his wrists gently like I would a kid and cuffed his wrists together. Don''t get me wrong, I wouldn''t cuff a kid. I''d just be gentle with them if I was grabbing their wrists. This is just sounding more and more wrong. I''m going to stop talking now.


    The leader said, "Hey! You can''t do that! Uncuff me this instant!"


    "Where are the keys?" I asked.


    He tried to pull them out of his pocket and dropped them on the floor. So I picked them up and hurled them through the glass sliding door that led to the tiny balcony that barely qualified as a balcony. They shattered through the glass and sailed off into the night, never to be seen again. Probably.


    "Hey! How am I gonna get these off now?" He said.


    "I''m sure back up will have keys," I said. "I just need you restrained enough to let me leave without you shooting up the place after I disappear."


    "What?" he said, confused.


    "Get on the ground, please," I said, kicking his feet out from under him. He tumbled to the floor. I grabbed another set of cuffs off him and cuffed his feet together.


    Then I did the same to the rest of the squad. Keep in mind, they weren''t just standing idly by while I cuffed their squad leader. They were beating me with batons and zapping me with tasers, but they had no effect on me, so I barely noticed. I just walked through them and they fell over. I didn''t even have to try to trip them. I grabbed their cuffs and keys and systematically cuffed them all and threw their keys away. When I was done, the entire swat team was restrained on the ground.


    "Ok, I want you all to listen to what I say and watch what I do. Just leave me alone from now on. I am no longer on your radar as a human being that needs the law to be enforced on him. It won''t work, you''ll simply get in the way of me saving the world. Ok? Have we listened good? Nod your heads if you''ve listened good," I said, nodding my head. I leaned down and picked Azrael''s sword off the ground. Lucifer must have set it down before he left.


    They all nodded their heads back. "Good. Now I''m going to disappear in front of your eyes to show you what you''re dealing with. This is not a trick. I am the new administrator of Hell and I have divine powers given to me by God. I''m not crazy and Hell is not a code name."


    I strapped the sword around my waist and cinched it tight.


    "I mean, I literally run Hell now. You would be wise to share your body cam footage with your superiors and get them to start cooperating with me in the future. I am not your enemy. I am here to help you. Now I''m going to go stop the antichrist whose name is Steve from destroying Reno like he did in Vegas. Bye!"


    I waved before snapping my fingers. I didn''t disappear. I snapped them again. Still nothing. I imagined teleporting to Reno, Nevada. Then I was in Reno, Nevada. Huh. Snapping didn''t do shit. Lucifer was full of shit. He didn''t have to snap to activate his powers. He just did that for fun. What a sneaky butthole. Oh well. I had bigger things to worry about. Like finding Steve in this huge, well, not huge, but large enough city to be hard to find someone in.


    Wait. He was probably on the news since he destroyed Vegas. I needed to find somewhere that was playing the news. One of those shop windows with a bunch of TVs playing the news would be great right about now, but those didn''t exist anymore. I don''t know if they ever existed. They might have just put those in movies as convenient plot devices.


    A sports bar would be my best bet. I could just change the channel to the news. I walked around looking at the many casinos, looking for just a regular bar, but everywhere I turned it was either a casino, a hotel that had a casino, or a "video game" parlor that was just another name for a place that had slot machines.


    Eventually, it occurred to me to GPS the closest bar on my phone. When I looked it up, it said it was a 20-minute walk. Ugh! Then it occurred to me I could probably just teleport there. I looked at the picture of the bar and imagined myself in front of it. Then I was.


    "Whoa! That''s really going to take some getting used to," I said, as people stared at the guy who just randomly appeared. Then they started clapping. Huh? What the hell? Oh wait, they probably thought I was a street magician. So I bowed before entering the bar. The name was Tony''s Super Cool Sports Bar.


    When I entered the bar, everyone looked at me like I didn''t belong. It was like literally everyone in here knew each other except me. I walked up to the bar.The story has been illicitly taken; should you find it on Amazon, report the infringement.


    The bartender looked alarmed to see me and then walked up and said, "I''m sorry buddy, but this is a member''s only bar. You gotta get outta here."


    What? I was started to get creeped out by how people were staring at me. Everyone in there was dressed real nice. They either had suits and ties or at least dress shirts and ties. Some of them were wearing sunglasses or hats at night. Those fancy fedora hats that you never saw anyone wear anymore because they were so old-fashioned. They looked like they were about to kick my ass or stab me, and then throw me out to bleed on the ground outside.


    "Look, man, the closest bar to this one is 3 miles away. I just want to see the news," I said. I knew I could teleport and be at the next bar in seconds, but this was an emergency and I knew they couldn''t do anything to me.


    "Pal, you got about 10 seconds to walk out of here or we''ll throw you out," he said, while washing a glass.


    "I''m not leaving," I said. "There isn''t a person in this bar who could throw me out either, so just change the channel to the news and turn it up, would you? It''s an emergency."


    "I''m sorry, pal. No can do," he said and put down the glass. He looked at someone behind me and nodded his head. Someone put his arms under my armpits and attempted to pick me up, but nothing happened. That was strange. Even with super strength, he should be able to pick me up, unless I got heavier somehow. Or maybe it was some kind of stonewall authority thing. Like I couldn''t be knocked over or picked up unless I allowed myself to be.


    I tried that. Allowing myself to be picked up. I imagined he could pick me up, and then he finally did. He was so surprised that he fell over and I fell on top of him. Then I tried to reengage the standing up with authority power and my body just rocketed back up to a standing position. It was really surreal. It happened so quickly, the guy behind me didn''t let go and he slammed his face into the back of my head and I heard something break.


    "Ah, fuck. Tony, I think he broke my nose. How does it look?" He said, walking around me and up to the bar.


    Tony, the bartender, looked at the guy and slapped him. "It looks terrible, but that''s not what I pay you for! I''m paying you to remove this wise guy and you ain''t doing it!"


    "In his defense, no one in this bar could remove me if I didn''t want to be. And spoiler alert, I don''t want to be. Actually, Tony, why don''t you remove me if you''re such a tough guy? Show your bouncer how it''s done," I said.


    I don''t know why I was defending the bouncer who attacked me, but it didn''t seem right the way Tony was treating him. Like I got, this was some sort of mob mafia situation, but you treat your employees with dignity and respect. You don''t slap them around when you''re angry things aren''t going your way.


    "How about I do this instead," Tony said, pulling a shotgun out from behind the bar and aiming it at me.


    "That''s probably not legal, considering I haven''t displayed any hostility, but I''ll allow it," I said, crossing my arms.


    "What, are you some kind of cop or something?" Tony said, still aiming the gun at me.


    "Not exactly, but I do have a level of authority that you''re not prepared to deal with. So how about we make a deal? If I can still stand after you blast me with that thing, you turn on the news and let me watch it? Is that a deal?" I put my hand out to shake his. I wasn''t entirely sure what I was doing, but this felt right.


    I don''t know if it was me or some new power I had, but Tony reluctantly shook my hand. "Alright. I''ll blast you and if you stand back up, I''ll let you watch the news. You''re not wearing a vest, are you?"


    I lifted up my shirt to display my rock hard chiseled abs. "Nope," I said. That was also weird. I was skinny. I didn''t have chiseled, well defined, rock hard abs. Huh. Another new perk, I guess.


    "Alright, sonny. Here I go, and here you go. Away I mean," Tony said, pulling the trigger.


    The shotgun blast was deafening. My enhanced hearing hated it. My ear rang and my ear drums screamed in protest. That feeling quickly went away, though. Apparently, I didn''t have invincible eardrums, but they seemed to heal or adjust quickly. I felt the pellets hit me in the stomach and fall to the ground. I checked my shirt in a panic. There weren''t any holes in it, were there? I couldn''t have anymore holes in my "Beans" shirt. Not now.


    Nope, nothing. I was good. I looked back up at Tony, whose jaw had dropped wide open. I slowly leaned forward and pressed up on his chin to close his mouth for him. "It''s not polite to stare," I said. "Now, how about that news?"


    The surrounding crowd erupted into yells and screams. Not because Tony had fired a gun in an enclosed space, but because I was still standing.


    "I don''t care what I said. I ain''t turning on the news for some scumbag who can take a few bullets," he said, pumping the shotgun, ejecting the spent shell, and loading a new one.


    I grabbed the end of the shotgun and pinched the barrel closed. Then I smacked it out of his hands. It clattered to the ground harmlessly. "Actually, you are," I said.


    It wasn''t a command. It was an observation. His hand had already grabbed the remote and was changing the channel to the news. Then he turned the volume up. He grabbed at his arm like it was betraying him, but there was nothing he could do. He had made the deal, so he had to deliver his end of the bargain. I knew it in my heart like I knew water was wet. It must have been part of the ability that allowed Lucifer to bargain for people''s souls. The contract was binding both ways.


    "How did you do that?" Tony asked.


    "You won''t believe me, but I''ll tell you anyway," I said. "I''m the new administrator of Hell. I''m Lucifer''s replacement."


    "No way. Prove it," Tony said, crossing his arms.


    "Ok. Make me an offer," I said, looking past him at the news.


    "Hi, Stan. I''m standing in front of a pile of rubble that was once a thriving a casino and hotel. It appears the man who decimated Las Vegas has made it here to Reno and is trying to do the same to our fair city. He goes by the name, "Steve." Nothing else is known about this man. The police cannot identify him. He doesn''t seem to exist, and yet we have footage of him shrugging off bullets and smacking away missiles like they''re nothing," the newscaster said.


    "He claims to only want to pleasure himself, but he is causing untold devastation across the city. However, he has never initiated an attack. He simply responds to attacks against him with such overwhelming force that entire city blocks are being destroyed by the wave of his hand. Physical power of this magnitude should not be possible, and yet we''re seeing it unfold right in front of us. The is Nancy Palamay, NBS 2 News. Stan, back to you in the studio."


    The TV abruptly turned off. Tony had turned it off. "Ok, you got to watch your little broadcast. I''m not done with you yet, though. You said you''re the new guy in charge of Hell. Now I believe in God and the Devil, so I don''t think it''s outside the realm of possibility, especially since I saw you bounce a shotgun blast off your abs, but how do you explain that? Did you kill Satan?"


    "Ok, good. You''re finally speaking my language," I said. "I don''t have the time to explain right now, but how about this? You treat me with hospitality and friendship, and I''ll tell you all about it. I''ll even take you to visit Hell if you want. Just to visit, of course."


    "Ok, deal. I''ll show you hospitality and friendship, including but not limited to free drinks, and you tell me how you can shrug off bullets," he said, grinning not in an evil way but not in a nice way, either. He shook my hand, and I felt something like electricity run through me into him and back into me.


    "Sounds good to me," I said.


    "Before you go, what''s so important that you can turn down free drinks?" Tony said, still grinning.


    "That guy on the news. Steve. I have to find him," I said.


    There was a rush of wind behind me that fluttered my shirt.


    "I heard you were looking for me?" A familiar voice said.


    I turned around to face Steve with a rather hostile look on his face. I guess our confrontation was going to come earlier than I expected. I tightened my fist, getting ready for a fight.

 Chapter 20: Steve, Steve, Steve

    "I heard you were looking for me?" Steve said, again.


    "You heard that, huh?" I said. "You must have really good hearing."


    "I must," Steve said, emotionless.


    "I just want you to stop hurting people, man. Is that too much to ask?" I said.


    "Tell them to stop attacking me and I will. I understand that I''m causing a lot of destruction, but I can''t control my strength. Every time I try to defend myself, an explosion happens," he said, looking down at his hands.


    "How about this?" I said. "I''ll teach you a little bit about pleasuring yourself, and you promise to control your powers depending on the threat, of course." I put my hand out to shake.


    Steve kind of just looked at it and then at me and then at it and then at me again. "If you''re trying to attack me, you have to actually move your hand toward me."


    "No, Steve. I''m trying to shake your hand. It''s something people do when they greet each other but also when they''re agreeing to a deal," I said.


    "Oh. How am I supposed to promise to control my powers if I don''t know I can do that?" he said.


    "The deal will actually help you do that," I said. I winked at him and smiled. "Trust me."


    "Is there something wrong with your eye?" he said.


    "I have a lot to teach you about being a human, albeit a very powerful one. Now, do you want my help or not?" I said, still holding my hand out.


    "I suppose it couldn''t hurt to have help," he said. He grabbed my hand and looked at me. "Now, what do we do?"


    "Move your hand up and down gently, like this," I said, demonstrating the movement.


    He slowly shook my hand, and I felt a bit of magic flow through us. Good. Now, as long as I help up my end of the bargain, he would be able to control his powers. Now, I had to teach someone who was one day old how to pleasure himself. Where would I begin?


    "Steve. Have you eaten or drank anything yet?" I said.


    "No. What''s that?" He said.


    "It''s where you put stuff in your mouth and swallow it," I said.


    "What like this?" he said, grabbing one of those small square napkins they put under drinks off the pile and stuffed it in his mouth. He made a pained face as he tried to swallow it, but it was far too dry.


    "No! Stop that! Take that out!" I said.


    "Are you telling me what to¡ª" he coughed as the napkin began to choke him. I grabbed it out of his mouth without thinking and threw it on the ground.


    "Sometimes Steve, it''s ok for people to tell you what to do. Especially if they''re trying to save your life, like I just did," I said.


    Steve looked at me with this guilty look on his face. "You saved my life? Oh, Dave, thank you!"


    "No problem, buddy. Just don''t put random things in your mouth anymore, ok?" I said, putting my arm around his shoulder. I was pretty sure he was invincible and that napkin wouldn''t have done any lasting harm to him, but if it got me on his good side, I wouldn''t say anything.


    I suddenly noticed how quiet it was in the bar. I looked around and saw the crowds of fedora wearing mobsters giving us a wide berth and staring at Steve like they''d seen a ghost. They must have seen the news broadcast. That or they saw him appear out of nowhere. Either one of those would have freaked me out a day ago.


    "Steve, you have got a lot to learn. Tony, can you make my friend a virgin Pi?a Colada?" I said. I didn''t want to give Steve alcohol when he was essentially mentally a child. He might not have to wait a full 21 years since he was essentially fully grown, but at least a few weeks or months would probably be wise. I didn''t want to instantly turn him into an alcoholic.


    Tony looked at Steve in fear and said, "He''s not going to destroy the bar and turn us all into paste, is he?"


    "Not if you get him a Pi?a Colada," I said.


    "Ok! Coming right up!" he said. "I sure hope I have the ingredients to make one." He said that mostly to himself.


    He started pulling things out of the fridge and moving things around. "Pineapple, pineapple. Where is that pineapple?" Tony walked toward the back and opened the door into the kitchen. He yelled, "Jerry! You still got that pineapple I told you to throw out?"


    "What do you think, Boss?" Jerry said.


    "Why I oughta kick your ass! Now is not the time for wise ass jokes! The guy from the news is here!" he said.


    "Tom Banks?" Jerry said.


    "No, not Tom Banks, you idiot! The guy who blew up Las Vegas!" Tony said.


    "Oh! Shit! Yeah, sure Boss, I got the pineapple. Don''t be mad I didn''t throw it out. I was going to, but I got distracted," he said.


    "I''m not mad. I''m glad you didn''t. Give it to me," Tony said. Jerry handed him a pineapple. "Now go to the store and get all the ingredients you need to make more Pi?a Coladas."


    "What, like right now? It''s 10 pm. Most grocery stores are closed," he said.


    "Then go to the one that isn''t! You can go to Shawlmart for all I care! Just get those ingredients! Actually, get the ingredients to make every fruity drink that exists!" Tony said.


    "You got it, Boss." Jerry left out the back. I heard a car start and peel out of the parking lot behind the bar.


    Tony came back and made a whole pitcher of Pi?a Coladas for Steve and then poured one out into a delicate glass and put a tiny umbrella and a straw in it, as well as a pineapple wedge on the side. I immediately took the umbrella and straw out. "Sorry, Tony, we don''t want him trying to eat those and choking on them, too."The story has been illicitly taken; should you find it on Amazon, report the infringement.


    I handed the drink to Steve and said, "Drink this. Don''t eat the glass. It''s just supposed to hold the liquid. And do it slow. It''s cold."


    "Drink it slow. Don''t eat the glass. Got it," Steve said and took a sip. "This is amazing!" Steve looked at the pineapple wedge. "Can I eat this?"


    "I''m glad you like it, Steve. Yes you can eat it but only the yellow part. Now Tony and I are going to talk for a minute. Can you hang out here by yourself for a moment?" I said.


    "Yes, Dave. I''m not a child," he said, like a child. He grabbed the pineapple wedge and put the whole thing in his mouth and chewed. I could hear him destroying even the outside part with his powerful teeth and jaw muscles. I guess that was fine, then.


    "Sure you''re not," I said, smiling. Then I grabbed Tony and dragged him farther down the bar.


    "Tony, relax. It''ll be fine," I said, trying to calm the old mob boss bartender down.


    "Sure, sure. Of course it is," Tony said, not convinced. He tried to act calm, though, which was exactly what I wanted him to do.


    "This is still good, right? What was wrong with the pineapple?" I said, concerned.


    "Oh, nothing. It was just a little dry, is all. He shouldn''t notice a thing. I''m just a bit of a perfectionist, if you know what I''m saying?" Tony said nervously. He didn''t seem like he was lying, though. Just nervous.


    "I''m starting to see that," I said. I leaned over to Tony and whispered, "Even though we''re not ''members'', I want you to treat this man real nice, because he could end us all in an instant. Possibly even me."


    "I see," he said. "So what is he? Like a demon or something? Why are his eyes glowing? And why does it sound like multiple people when he talks?"


    "No, nothing like that. He''s the antichrist. Well, he''s technically 6 antichrists sharing the same body right now," I said.


    "The antichrist?" Tony yelled.


    I put my hand over his mouth and said, "Not so loud. You could get us all killed, you moron."


    "Ok, ok, I''m cool," Tony said, clearly not being cool.


    "He''s harmless unless provoked," I said.


    "Ok, good. I can handle this. I just gotta make a quick announcement to the fellas. Is that alright?" Tony said, deferring to me.


    "Yes, that''s fine. As long as it''s nothing that will offend Steve," I said.


    "It shouldn''t," he said.


    "Good. Now go," I said, shooing him away.


    He hurried over to the crowded group of mobsters and yelled, "This is our new friend, Steve! You know, from the news broadcast about Las Vegas? He just wants to have a good time and everything will be alright. Just nobody be rough with him, alright?"


    "Yes, Boss," all of them said at the same time.


    "Oh, and that other guy is cool, too. I don''t know what his name is," Tony said.


    "It''s Dave!" I said.


    "Dave! Yeah, Dave, is cool, so don''t mess with him either," Tony said. "This is going to sound crazy, but apparently he''s invincible or something. I shot him and the bullets bounced off. Try to stab him if you don''t believe me! Just not Steve."


    "Yes, Boss," they said more enthusiastically. They grinned as they all pulled out knives of various makes and sizes.


    The mobsters then formed an orderly line and stabbed me one at a time. Every time, the knife would stop and not penetrate. One time a guy was using a rather thin knife, and it broke like he was trying to stab a concrete wall.


    "Hey, you broke my knife!" he complained.


    "I''m sorry, but you tried to stab me! I don''t have any money to reimburse you," I said, shrugging.


    "Yeah, I guess that''s true. I''m gonna go cry now cuz my favorite knife is broken," he said, leaving.


    The line of stabbings continued while I drank a virgin Pi?a Colada that I poured for myself out of the pitcher Tony made. It was actually really good. He was a talented bartender for someone who was clearly not a bartender and was actually a mob boss. I could see what he meant about the perfectionism though. He seemed like the kind of guy who went out of his way to be the best at everything.


    Once the boys had all stabbed me, they went back to what they were doing and started talking and drinking and having fun again. I went back over to Steve to see how he was doing. He was just finishing his first drink. He must have taken my advice about drinking slowly.


    "How are you doing, Steve?" I said, putting my hand on his shoulder again.


    "I''m great! This is fantastic! I''m experiencing so much pleasure and I didn''t have to kill anyone to do it. Can we do this all the time?" Steve said.


    "Something you''ll learn Steve, is that you can''t pleasure yourself all the time. You have to take breaks so you don''t go too far with it, and you also will realize that it''s pleasurable to pleasure others as well. Thinking about other people and not just yourself is one of the greatest joys like can bring," I said.


    "Is joy like pleasure?" He said, putting his glass down.


    "Joy is a form of pleasure, yes, Steve," I said.


    "Oh good! Then that sounds great! Can we do that too?" Steve said.


    "Yes, we can do that too, but we have to be patient. Things take time and work to set up, which can be unpleasurable. Sometimes we have to do unpleasurable things to get to do pleasurable things. Does that make sense, Steve?" I said.


    "Like how I had to hurt all those people to get you to make a fruity drink for me?" he asked, innocently.


    "Not exactly," I said, frowning. "What''s a good example? Oh, I know. Sometimes no one else is around to create pleasure for us, like Tony did. So sometimes we have to make our own fruity drinks, or pizza, or spaghetti, or whatever you want to eat or drink. Making those things can be unpleasurable, but they allow us to eat or drink them, when they''re done, which is a pleasurable thing," I said.


    "Do unpleasurable things always lead to pleasurable things?" Steve asked as he poured more Pi?a Colada into his glass.


    A bright flash of light shot through the windows and door of the bar. The windows were large and no one was standing around them so I could easily see outside. Four men on horseback were standing in the middle of the street. They were flanked by a familiar purple imp named Harvey. Uh oh. This looked like trouble.


    It was obvious who they were. They were the four horsemen of the apocalypse. Since the antichrist plot didn''t work out for him, Harvey must have figured out how to summon the four horsemen as a Plan B. I was hoping this one worked out for him as well as the last one. Meaning, not well at all.


    "No. They often don''t, but that leads to a much more complex discussion that it looks like we don''t have time for right now," I said.


    "Why not?" Steve said. Then his gaze followed mine. "Is it because of those people with that guy who tried to order me around earlier?"


    "Yes. It is," I said.


    "Why? What''s wrong with them?" Steve said. "Don''t they want to experience pleasure, too?"


    "They do. The only problem is that for them, the only thing that pleasures them is killing people," I said.


    "That''s awful!" Steve said. "I hated killing people. Think about all the future pleasure they lost out on!"


    "I know, Steve. I know. I feel the same way as you do," I said. "This is going to be your first lesson in doing unpleasurable things to get to pleasurable things. These men want to kill everyone on earth. If we let them, then there will be no one left alive. That means no more pleasure, Steve."


    "But if we stop them, pleasure gets to continue for everyone, including you and me. So what do you say, Steve? Are you willing to help me stop these people from pleasuring themselves with the lives of everyone on earth?"


    "Normally I''m not one for doing unpleasurable things, but the way these people derive pleasure disgusts me. I want to get rid of them. They don''t belong on this planet with everyone else who are just trying to have fun," he said.


    "That''s the spirit, Steve!" I said.


    The four horsemen and Harvey started walking toward the bar. They must have known we were inside. I couldn''t figure out how they knew until I spotted a Channel 2 news van outside the bar and the news lady from earlier talking into a camera. Oh crap, she led them right to us. I guess that was better than having them attack random people first. I''d try to remember to thank the news woman later, if there was a later.


    "Steve, let''s meet them outside. We don''t want our new friends in the bar to get hurt," I said. I walked outside the bar into the street.


    "Ok, Dave," Steve said, following me outside.


    Harvey flew up to us. "Well, well, well. Fancy meeting you here," he said.


    "Cut the shit, Harvey! You knew we were here," I said, crossing my arms.


    "Whoa! What''s with the hostility, Dave? We just came to kill you so you couldn''t stop the end of the world. Is that so wrong?" Harvey said.


    "Uh, yeah. It is," I said.


    "Well, too bad! Get ''em, boys!" Harvey pointed at me and Steve.


    The four horsemen approached.

 Chapter 21: The Four Horsemen

    The four horsemen loomed over Steve and me while Harvey floated off to the side with a look of sadistic anticipation on his face. Death was riding a pale horse, composed entirely of animated bones. He was wearing a long black cloak with the hood up, obscuring his face. Famine was a thin man wearing rags on top of an emaciated black horse.


    War was a very muscular man in intimidating red and black armor, riding a red horse and carrying a massive sword. On his back, he carried a wide array of different weapons from different cultures and time periods. One of them was even a gun, and another looked like a high-tech sci-fi blaster. His horse was massive and muscular like himself. Smoke came out of its nostrils when it breathed.


    Conquest/Pestilence was actually two men riding the same white horse. Conquest wore leather armor, carried a bow and quiver and had a crown upon his head. Pestilence was covered in grey rags similar to Famine, but he wasn''t thin and emaciated like Famine. Instead, his rags were wet with blood and other bodily fluids. Every bit of exposed skin had open sores on it. Flies surrounded him. The horse had a small crown on its head and was covered in sores.


    "Hey what''s your deal?" I said to Conquest and Pestilence.


    "We''re not actually sure. The bible says we''re supposed to be Conquest, but modern interpretations called us Pestilence. So we split into two beings," they said in eerie unison.


    "Wait, you were swayed by public opinion?" I said.


    "You say that like it''s a bad thing, but yes, that is basically what happened," they said.


    "I see," I said. "So, are we supposed to fight or something?"


    "Either now or later," a loud whisper came from Death.


    "Harvey said you''re the most powerful beings on earth. The most likely to stop us," Famine said, weakly.


    "So we figured we''d defeat you first," War said in a loud, boastful voice.


    "Well, did you figure this?" I said, drawing Azrael''s sword. The sword of Azrael, the Angel of Death.


    The horsemen looked at it in awe and fear. They recognized it and its significance. Harvey looked annoyed. "Get them already!" he said.


    The horsemen broke out of their stupor and attacked us. War started with a direct charge at me and a swipe of his massive red glowing sword. I rolled under it and came up, slicing into the back legs of War''s muscular red horse. It didn''t sever its legs. It merely tripped it, causing it to fall and launch War into the air. He smashed through a bar window and slammed into back wall, breaking every bottle on the shelves.


    "Hey, this my bar! Get the fuck out of my bar!" Tony said, pulling out his shotgun. He blasted War with shell after shell, but it barely dented his armor.


    War loomed at Tony through a thick metal helmet with red glowing eyes and said, "Do that again, and I''ll break your face."


    Tony put his hands up and dropped the gun, backing away slowly. War trudged out of the bar through the broken window, because he was too big to fit through the doors.


    Death''s horse trotted at me and Death leaned over with his skeletal hand and tried to slap me. I dodged out of the way. With him being Death and all, for all I knew, slapping me would instantly kill me. I had to be careful around these guys.


    Steve looked at Death and concentrated beams of white light shot out of his eyes. They hit Death in the chest, knocking him from his horse, and making him tumble on the ground like a pile of bones. Which, in a sense, he was.


    Famine rode at me right after Death and I couldn''t dodge out of the way in time. He picked me up and pulled my face close to his. He opened his mouth and sucked. I could feel the life force being drained from my body. He was essentially eating me. I could see my arms growing skinny and emaciated like him.


    Then something happened. My healing factor kicked in, and my life force kept feeding his body. He stopped looking emaciated and started gaining muscle. His back straightened up and his body healed and began to look normal. Then he started to gain weight until the horse couldn''t hold him anymore.


    The horse fell, and he tumbled off. He dropped me to the ground. I got up, and he tried to do the same, but he couldn''t get up. Then he started to lose the weight just as fast as he had gained it. He got up and started to look like his old, emaciated self again in moments.


    "They''re strong, but they''re protecting the civilians! That''s their weakness! Attack civilians and we can win!" Conquest said. He loaded three arrows onto his bow at once and shot them at people on the street.


    I tried to catch the arrows, but they dodged my grasp. They could change directions in mid-air. After dodging me, they hit three separate people and a white ethereal smoke extended from Conquest to the people. They began to run at me with white smokey eyes. He was controlling them. I defended myself, but I didn''t want to hurt them. They were innocent people.The narrative has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the infringement.


    Conquest shot three more arrows at other bystanders and three more and three more until a small army had formed. They dog piled me and Steve and kept us pinned down. They weren''t going to kill us, but I realized that wasn''t their plan.


    "I have them pinned down! Let''s take the city boys!" Conquest yelled.


    The horsemen started to spread out in preparation to attack the city proper, but I couldn''t allow that. The only real power I could use in this position was teleportation. I imagined myself in front of the bar again, and then I was. I looked at all the people controlled by Conquest and imagined them falling into a fountain somewhere in Reno. They disappeared.


    Conquest must have felt himself lose control over the people, because he turned around. "Where did my minions go? What did you do?"


    "That''s not important right now," I said. I imagined Conquest at the top of Black Mountain and snapped my fingers. He disappeared. Black Mountain seemed like an appropriate place to have a showdown.


    Then I teleported Pestilence, War, Famine, and Death, who had since gotten back up off the ground. Then I teleported their horses, too. Who knows what kind of destruction they might be able to do on their own? Then, as an afterthought, I teleported Harvey.


    "Steve, we''re going out to Black Mountain so we can fight at our full strength. Are you ready?" I said.


    "I was born, uh, at full strength," he said.


    "You''re supposed to say ''ready''." I chuckled.


    "Oh yeah. I was born ready," he remembered. "Where''s Black Mountain?"


    "It''s somewhere in the desert. It''s an old dormant volcano," I said.


    "Sounds dangerous," he said.


    "It''s dormant. It''ll be fine," I said.


    Tony ran out of the front of the bar. "Go kick those wise guys'' asses! And come back, we''ll throw you a party for saving my bar."


    "Sure thing, Tony," I laughed.


    I imagined Steve and me on top of Black Mountain, and then we were there. The four horsemen¡ªwell, five horsemen¡ªwere getting back on their horses, and Harvey was still just flying off to the side.


    "Would you guys get off your horses? It''s really hard to fight like this. We''re not getting anywhere. Besides, if you can''t beat me and Steve without your horses, then do you really deserve to win? Also, I don''t want to have to kill your animals too," I said, frustrated.


    "I''m alright with that. I''ve been wanting to fight on the ground ever since I got thrown into that building," War said, getting down off his horse.


    "I suppose it couldn''t hurt. It is difficult to hit someone while on a horse," Death said, hopping down.


    "If everyone else is doing it, I''ll play along," Famine said, carefully getting off.


    "Stop! Don''t listen to him! He''s just trying to weaken us!" Conquest said.


    "I think you''re on your own, brother," Pestilence said, getting off the horse they shared.


    "Fine! If you fools are going to do it, I might as well jump off the bridge with you," Conquest said, jumping down. He landed nimbly in an archer''s pose before getting up.


    Conquest I noticed was the only normal looking one among them¡ªaside from the ridiculously small crown that wouldn''t fall off his head. Well, the healthiest and most normal looking among them. War looked healthy but not normal, with his massive muscular body and glowing red eyes that matched his glowing red sword.


    Next was Famine, who just looked like a man who really needed a sandwich. Then Pestilence, who looked like a really sick guy. Death was the strangest among them. He was just a walking skeleton. I wondered how his bones even moved and held together without muscle or ligaments.


    The answer was most likely magic. And if he was magic, then they probably all were. Which was bad news for me, since Lucifer said magic was one of the few things that could kill me.


    This was going to be a tough battle, and I was not looking forward to it, but it was always better to go forward than move back. I had to face this challenge head on if I wanted to have any chance of winning.


    Conquest started the battle by firing five arrows into the air that disappeared into the dark sky. He did this repeatedly. And he kept doing it without stopping. I didn''t know what he was doing, but it definitely wasn''t good.


    Pestilence followed his lead and barfed up a massive cloud of biting and stinging insects. Some of them flew and some of them just plopped onto the ground and began crawling toward us. There were wasps, hornets, bees, scorpions, and other insects that were too small to see in the light of the moon.


    "Steve, can you throw up a ball of light so we can see?" I said.


    "Sure, but I don''t know why you want me to do it like that," he said, vomiting a ball of bright light that floated over all of us, lighting up the battlefield.


    "I didn''t mean it like that, but ok," I said. "Thank you."


    "You are welcome, Dave," Steve said, wiping the spit off his lips.


    Pestilence kept vomiting insects continuously. I looked down and saw a living carpet of insects swarming toward me and Steve. There were fire ants and centipedes, and many other types of insects that I didn''t know how to classify.


    "Oh, shit!" I said, running away. I really wished I could fly in this moment. Then I realized I sort of could. It wouldn''t be exactly flying. It would more be like continuously falling without hitting the ground, but it would keep those insects away from me.


    War rushed at Steve, taking a swing at him with his massive sword. Steve summoned a sword of his own made of light. It reminded me of Raphael''s, but larger and brighter. Their blades clashed and sparks flew. They attacked and blocked in turn, but neither seemed to have an edge on the other.


    War was supposed to be a brilliant fighter who was an expert in all known weapons. I was surprised that Steve could keep up at first until I looked closer at his technique. Steve wasn''t expertly moving his sword with no wasted movement like War. He was swinging his sword wildly. He was just swinging it many times faster than War, allowing him to keep up with War''s efficiency of movement. Famine and Death just stood off to the side, not really knowing how to contribute without getting in the way.


    And then I felt insects crawling up my legs. "Ah! Get off!" I yelled in panic. I imagined myself high above Black Mountain in the air. When I teleported into the sky, I swiped the insects off my legs, but I lost sight of the ground. I didn''t know when I would hit, and I miscalculated how much time I had in the air.


    I dropped like a rock and smashed hard into the ground. My body crushed all the bugs underneath me and tossed up a ton of sand around me, pushing the surrounding bugs back. Then I had an idea. I teleported myself into the air again, but higher and dive bombed into the ground, crushing more insects.


    I did that repeatedly, but I realized more insects were still spawning from Pestilence''s mouth. Well, if I could squash bugs like this, I thought, maybe I could squash him this way as well.

 Chapter 22: The End of Conquest

    I started aiming at specific spots on the ground to see if I could reliably hit those spots as I fell out of the sky. I would only have a brief moment to do this before they retaliated. Right now, they just thought I was uselessly smashing bugs that continued to spawn from Pestilence. In reality, I was practicing my aim for when I eventually started targeting the horsemen themselves.


    Once I felt my aim was on point, I drew Azrael''s sword and pointed it in front of me. I aimed directly for Pestilence. I hit Pestilence at terminal velocity. The sword pierced his body, but my body squashed him into a mess of skin, bodily fluids, and limbs going in directions they shouldn''t. I got up and pulled my sword free.


    All the insects instantly stopped moving. I looked down at Pestilence''s crumpled and destroyed body with pity. I know they were agents of the apocalypse, destined to bring destruction to the earth and everyone on it, but they were people, too. I didn''t like doing that to another person. But I had no time for remorse.


    "No! Pestilence!" Conquest screamed. He ran to Pestilence''s side and wept. He wiped away his tears and stood up, aiming his bow at me. "I will avenge you, brother."


    I ran at Conquest to engage him in close quarters combat. At a distance, he was dangerous, but up close, he was vulnerable. I swiped at him. He dodged and twisted away, creating a small amount of distance between us. In the moment that I wound up for another strike, Conquest loaded two arrows onto his bow and fired them.


    They pierced both my legs. I tried to run closer, but I no longer had control of my legs. He did. I stood still as he loaded two more arrows. I chucked Azrael''s sword at Conquest, hoping to hit him, but he deftly dodged out of the way and let his two arrows loose.


    They pierced my arms and took control of them, too. Now I couldn''t move my body at all, except to flex my sexy abs and move my head around. I could hear War and Steve''s battle continuing in the background. The loud clashes of War''s heavy metal sword against Steve''s light sword were deafening.


    Conquest confidently walked up to me, knowing I couldn''t move. He wielded his bow like a melee weapon and beat me with it. He hit me in the face, then the stomach, he even hit me in my no no zone. The gall of this man. "You''re only delaying the inevitable. The world will be destroyed by us one day. Why do you care if it''s now or later?"


    I struggled against his control. "Because it isn''t supposed to be now."


    "Come on. You can come up with something better than that," he encouraged.


    "I don''t want humanity to die. Think about those people''s lives," I said unconvincingly.


    He tilted my head up with the end of his bow and looked deep into my eyes. It almost felt like we were about to make out. Then he started talking. "Tell me the real reason you fight so hard to save the world from our wrath? As I said, we are destined to destroy the world eventually. Why is now so important to you?"


    I let my head drop. "Because my ex-girlfriend lives on it. We''re still close. I can''t let you destroy the world with her still in it."


    Conquest spoke softly. "I see. You still harbor human attachments. How quaint. I myself had human attachments before I was chosen by destiny. Her name was Adelaide. She was my queen. I loved her very much. But destiny had other plans. I was away, conquering a nearby kingdom, when she became deathly ill."


    "I didn''t know. I had no way of knowing. They sent a messenger on horseback, but he was killed before he arrived to deliver his message. I continued conquering the kingdom until I ruled over the lands. When I returned, she was already gone. How I would have liked to spend her last days with her. But she was taken away from me."


    "And then, after I died, after I had conquered every kingdom that could feasibly be reached on horseback, an angel came to me. He said I had a purpose. My purpose was to bring about the end of the world. And if I did that, I would see my Adelaide in Heaven. Since then I have been stuck in Limbo wandering endlessly."


    "I want to go home. I want to see my wife. It''s been so long, I''ve forgotten her face. I don''t even remember what she looks like anymore. Please, whoever you are, please, give up, and let me see my wife once more."


    "My name is Dave. I am the administrator of Hell. And while that is a tragic story, I will not allow you to slaughter billions of people to reunite with the one you love," I snarled.


    "Billions? Billions? What do you mean, billions? There are billions of people on earth?" He said, shocked. His jaw dropped wide open and his eyes bugged out.


    "Yes. Why, what did you think it was?" I said.


    "Millions at most. I have to kill billions of people to see my love again? That is obscene! How dare that angel ask me to do such a thing!" He said. He fell to his knees. He stayed like that for a few minutes before standing back up. "No matter. I will kill whoever I need to get back to Adelaide. Starting with you, Dave."


    "Hold on. What was the name of this angel you spoke to?" Something about his story wasn''t adding up to me. Why would an angel promise he''d get to heaven by murdering people? That doesn''t sound very angelic, regardless of whether it was supposed to happen or not.


    "He said his name was Morningstar," Conquest said. "Why?"


    Oh no. That was Lucifer''s last name. Lucifer Morningstar. "You''ve been tricked by the Devil. Morningstar is short for Lucifer Morningstar. He''s the Devil. Or he was the Devil when he visited you. I bet you he was playing a trick."


    "When he said you would "see Adelaide in Heaven," he didn''t mean you were going to heaven too. He''d probably just show you an image of her in Heaven, and then torture your soul for all eternity."


    "That can''t be!" Conquest said. "It mustn''t!"


    "Didn''t you think it was weird that a demon was the one who woke you guys up?" I said, trying but failing to point at Harvey.


    Conquest got a confused look on his face. "That''s a demon? I thought he was just an ugly angel."


    "I am not an ugly angel!" Harvey yelled.


    "See?" I said.


    "Oh no. What have I done?" Conquest said. "Wait, a second. What did you say your job was, Dave?"


    "Administrator of Hell. Well, new administrator of Hell. Lucifer was the old one," I said.


    "How am I supposed to trust the administrator of Hell that he isn''t trying to trick me all over again? You Hellions may have tricked me once, but I won''t let you trick me again!" Conquest nocked an arrow on his bow and aimed it at my head.If you spot this tale on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.


    "No, wait! I''m a good administrator of Hell! I''m not trying to lead anyone astray or anything like that. They just needed someone to watch over the demons and sinners already in hell to make sure they didn''t get up to anything bad. I swear!" I pleaded.


    I wasn''t pleading for my sake. I was pleading for his. I didn''t want to kill these guys if I didn''t have to.


    "A good administrator of Hell? Next you''ll tell me the tooth fairy is evil. That she''s stealing my teeth for some nefarious purpose," he scoffed.


    "Well¡­" I joked.


    "No! No more of your tricks! No more of your lies! I will kill you and then torture this one to find a way to see my Adelaide." He looked at Harvey.


    "What? Why me?" He said. When he saw Conquest wasn''t going to be convinced by the innocent act, he said, "I''m getting out of here!"


    Conquest shot him with an arrow. "You''re not going anywhere!"


    Harvey''s eyes showed white, and he didn''t move from his spot.


    "Now it''s your turn." Conquest aimed his bow at my head again.


    "You''re really not going to back down?" I said.


    "No. Not to you, Dave," Conquest said.


    "Ok," I sighed. I teleported Conquest thousands of feet into the air. I was really hoping I wouldn''t have to kill him, but there was nothing I could do.


    As he fell, I noticed a large gathering of coyotes coming over the ridgeline and into the crater on top of Black Mountain. They all had white eyes and arrows in them. I was alarmed at first until I remembered the control would probably vanish the moment Conquest hit the ground.


    I still couldn''t move, and the coyotes were getting closer. And closer. They ran at me with their teeth bared. Under normal circumstances, I wouldn''t be afraid, but these weren''t normal circumstances. Since they were under his control, they might do magic damage, which could actually kill me.


    The coyotes latched onto my arms and legs and began ripping and tearing at my flesh. They absolutely ruined the sleeves of my favorite shirt, but that wasn''t as bad as the knife wounds it had sustained last night. Hopefully, I could get that conjuring ability Lucifer had soon, so I could conjure a new one.


    I wondered what was taking Conquest so long to fall. How high had I thrown him? Then I remembered. Oh, right. I could throw myself, too. So I did. I teleported myself high into the air with the coyotes still attached, but they quickly lost their grip and fell off.


    I landed in a heap, but I was unharmed by the fall. The coyotes were what did damage to me. Then Conquest hit the ground seconds later. All the controlled coyotes fell limp.


    I got up and looked over at Conquest''s body. "I''m sorry. I wish I could have saved you from yourself. I suppose I''ll see you down below."


    I looked over at Famine, Death, and War¡ªwho was still fighting Steve. I casually teleported all of them high into the air as well. I didn''t want this to become my primary method of fighting, but it would be stupid not to use it now that I knew I could do it.


    Then I noticed Harvey trying to get away again. "Oh no, you don''t," I said, grabbing him by the head. "You''re staying with me."


    Death landed in a pile of bones. Famine was sucking up at the air as he came down, slowing his fall, so he landed safely on the ground. War had stabbed the air and was slicing through the fabric of space to slow his fall. He landed with a hard thud, but no worse for wear.


    I watched as the massive tear in space healed itself. I felt offended somehow that he had done that. It just looked wrong. Then Death slowly began to reassemble himself, until he looked like Death again, literally and figuratively. Well, I guess that didn''t work. I''d have to use other tactics.


    Famine seemed like the weakest at this moment, so I ran up to him. Death got in the way and tried to swipe at me. I dodged out of the way and cut him in half. I avoided touching any part of his body with mine and moved on to Famine.


    Famine opened his mouth wide and sucked me. He started pulling the life force from my body, but my body regenerated its life force just as quickly. By the time I got to him, he was big and buff again. He tried to grab the sword, but it burned his hands.


    He pulled them away in pain, and I used that opportunity to cut his head off. It plopped on the ground with a look of fear on its face. So much carnage. So much death. And all of it just to save the world.


    "No!" Steve yelled.


    I turned around and saw in slow motion Death''s hand flying toward my face. He must have ripped it off and thrown it at me. Then I felt Steve push me out of the way. The skeletal hand hit Steve. It passed through Steve, but it took a body with it.


    Similar to how the two halves of Steve''s body fell away from him when I cut him in half, another body fell away from him when Death''s hand hit him. Death had killed another Steve. Now there were only five of him left. I guess Death''s touch was an instant kill.


    Steve''s eyes filled with bright light and he said, "How dare you kill one of my brothers. Ahhh!!!" Steve screamed, light burst out of his body, and the ground cracked and shook.


    Cracks formed on the ground. The ground shuddered and dropped down. Large sections of earth fell away and plummeted below until a bright orange-red light made its way up out of the darkness. I looked down to see lava bubbling up far below us.


    More sections of ground fell away and dropped into the lava. Since I was pretty sure I couldn''t kill Death, no matter what I did to him, I saw an easy opportunity to get rid of him in the lava below. I took my sword and flipped his hand over the edge.


    Then I ran over to Death''s body that was starting to put itself back together and smacked it with the flat edge of the sword towards the ledge. He slid along the ground and scrambled to stop himself from going over the edge. His hand caught on the edge and he hung there.


    He looked up at me as I walked over. "Don''t do it," he pleaded.


    "I''m sorry, but you killed Steve. You just don''t do that," I said, using the sword to pry his hand off the edge of the cliff. He fell into the orange-red light below.


    "Noooo!!!!" he yelled as he fell. "Petunia!"


    What? Petunia? That must have been the person or maybe dog that he traded his soul for with Lucifer. Huh. Everyone had a different story, I guess.


    War swiped kicked at me from behind, but I dodged it just in time. "Who did you trade your soul for?" I said.


    "My son, Kevin. Morningstar said I''d see him in Heaven too. Just like he did with Conquest. Was it truly a trick?" He said. He sounded choked up, like he was crying, but I couldn''t see his face.


    "Yes. I''m afraid it was. Why do you still fight?" I said, as I rolled out of the way of another massive sword swipe.


    "I''m a warrior. I must be defeated in battle. I know you can do it. So just do it," he said.


    "If that is what you want," I said, looking at him. Then I looked over his shoulder and made a confused face. "What''s that?" I pointed.


    War turned his head to see what I was pointing at. "What? I see nothing."


    I pushed him as hard as I could. He tumbled over the edge, and I almost fell over with him, but I was able to stop myself in time.


    "Damn it! Not like this!" War said, his voice fading as he plunged into the lava.


    I looked around at the crumbling ground and noticed movement. Conquest''s body. It was getting up. Huh. I guess they were immortal. They couldn''t be killed permanently. I looked over at Pestilence and he was getting up, too. Then I looked at Famine, but he was still laying on the floor with his head chopped off. Maybe it took a while to activate.


    I teleported behind Conquest before he could get all the way back up and kicked him in the ass. He tumbled down the slope and into the lava below. "How dare you kick my buttocks!"


    "Sorry!" I said.


    Then I did the same to Pestilence. "Ow, my bum!" He said, falling off the cliff.


    "I bet you don''t know where you''re going!" I yelled.


    Then I teleported to Famine''s lifeless body. I grabbed his head and pulled his eyes open. "Hey, you. Before I drop you into a volcano, what did you trade your soul for?"


    His eyes focused on me and he said, "Pizza. Infinite pizza."


    "That tracks," I said, and threw his head over the edge. Then I did the same with his body.


    Still holding Harvey, I said, "You''re going in there too, buddy." Like a terrible person, I broke his wings with my hands and then threw him into the lava.


    "But my plans!" Harvey yelled.


    You may wonder why I threw them in the lava as a solution and you may not. You may think, the lava will kill them right? Wrong. It won''t kill them, but it will send them to some friends of mine, who might imprison them in the molten core of the earth for eternity.


    If I couldn''t kill them, and I couldn''t imprison them myself, better to give them to people who could. The ground trembled and shook, threatening to fall into the lava at any moment.


    I went back to Steve who was laying exhausted on the ground. I grabbed him and said, "Steve! We gotta go! This place is falling apart!"


    "I''m over here!" Steve''s voice said. It wasn''t coming from his body though. I looked up and saw Steve standing on the edge of the crater, in relative safety. Then I looked down and realized this was the body that Death had killed. Not Steve''s living body.


    "Oh," I said. "Right." I walked over to Steve, away from the danger zone. "So? What do you want to do next?"


    "You said something about eating? I assume I drank that ''fruity drink'' you gave me. Can we go eat something now?" He said with a smile.


    "You really are a simple guy, aren''t you?" I said, smiling with him.


    "Is that a bad thing?" he asked.


    "No. No, it''s not," I laughed. "How about pizza?"


    "I don''t know what that is, but anything sounds better than nothing right now," he said.


    And that''s what we did. We got pizza. And it was delicious.

 Chapter 23: Tonys Party

    We went back to Tony''s Super Cool Sports Bar after we had sufficiently fed ourselves. They threw us a party, and I gave Tony $10,ooo towards fixing up the stuff that got broken in his bar. It wouldn''t pay for all the expensive booze that was destroyed, but it might pay for the window and the shelves.


    I had to teleport back to the Devil''s castle and open up his massive safe full of money and other valuables, because I didn''t have the whole amount on my person. Lucifer didn''t give me the combination, but it wasn''t hard to guess. I used the number of the beast, "666". For the safe it was actually, "6-6-6" but same thing.


    I didn''t look at anything else in the safe. I didn''t want to accidentally curse myself or get drawn into touching something I wasn''t supposed to. At least, not when I had a party to get back to. I would mess with cursed stuff and possessed items on my own time.


    I invited some other guests to join in the festivities. It felt right to invite everyone who had been part of this journey with me. Lucifer showed up in an appropriate jump scare. He appeared right in front of me as I was sitting on the toilet.


    "What the hell? Lucifer?" I said.


    "How else was I supposed to get here other than to teleport right to you? It''s not like you gave directions," he said. He stayed standing there, looking at me. "You pee sitting down?"


    "No," I said.


    "Ew, gross!" he said, still not leaving the stall.


    "Get out!" I said.


    "Ok, ok! Fine!" he said, opening the door. "Geez. Some people."


    When I got out of the restroom, Lucifer was chatting with Tony like they were old friends. I walked up to them. Tony looked at me. "You know this guy? He''s hilarious!"


    I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, I know him. Maybe a little too much."


    "What''s your name, buddy?" Tony asked, putting out his hand.


    Lucifer shook his hand. "Morningstar. Lucifer Morningstar."


    "Really? Did you know that''s the Devil''s name in the bible?" Tony said, looking a nervous.


    "Yeah. That''s me," Lucifer said.


    "You''re the devil? You gotta be kidding, right?" Tony laughed nervously.


    "Of course I''m kidding," Lucifer said.


    "Oh good. You almost gave me a heart attack," Tony said, hand over his heart.


    "I only used to be the Devil. Dave''s the Devil now. Aren''t you buddy?" Lucifer said, putting his hand around my shoulder.


    "What?" Tony said.


    "He''s kidding. I''m the new administrator of Hell. Not the Devil," I said.


    "Oh, you''re no fun! I wanted to scare the pants off him!" Lucifer said.


    "I think he likes his pants where they are, Lucifer," I said.


    "Yeah, I need my pants!" Tony said, leaning over to whisper to me. "So you really are the Devil now, huh?"


    I leaned over to whisper back. "Yeah, I am, but don''t let him hear you. He gets a kick out of it."


    "Roger. Mum''s the word," Tony said.


    <hr>


    "So, how does this work? If I bargain my soul to you, do you just take it or do you have to wait until I die?" Tony said. He was getting a little deeper in his cups.


    "Tony, I''m not stealing your soul as a party trick!" I said.


    "Lucifer''s right. You are no fun!" Tony said.


    <hr>


    I was standing outside drinking my soda, looking up at the sky. It was a new day. The world was saved. I was the new Devil. Everything was right in the world, but I felt anxious. Like another shoe was about to drop.


    I was lost in my thoughts when the sky opened up and a brilliant light shone down in the middle of the night. It was brighter than the sun. Suddenly, it looked like daytime. My brain reminded me I should put on sunblock more often. That was a question. Did I still need to wear sunblock? Or did I just heal the damage?


    "Good job on saving the world, Dave." God said, his deep booming voice coming down from the Heavens.


    "Thanks, G," I said.


    "Don''t call me that," God said.


    "Ok, G," I said.


    "I said don''t call me that!" God said.


    "Alright, my Lord," I said.


    "Don''t call me that either. It sounds weird when you say it. Just call me God," He said.


    "Yes, God," I said.


    "That''s better. Now, I know this party is fun and all, but you should get down below. You wouldn''t want to miss this," He said.


    "Miss what?" I said.


    "The horsemen''s trial. With the Mole People," He said.


    "Oh! Right! I almost forgot! Thanks, G-God!" I said.


    "If I didn''t like you so much, I''d smite you," God laughed.


    I laughed along nervously, not sure if he was joking.


    "Don''t worry, Dave. I would never smite you. You are one of the good ones," he said.


    "What is that supposed to mean?" I said, a little indignant.


    "Oh, you know," He said.


    "No, I don''t know. Why don''t you explain it to me?" I said.


    "Well, Man was meant to live in Paradise, but then Eve and Adam ate the apple and Man fell, and now Man is prone to sin," He said.


    "Sounds like you think you''re better than us," I said, crossing my arms.


    "I am better than you. I''m God," He said.


    "Oh. Right." I uncrossed my arms.


    "See? You get it," God said.


    "Yeah, I do. I wish I didn''t. Sometimes I wish we could go back to before original sin and live in Paradise again," I said.


    "Well, I''m sorry, Dave. I can''t unring that bell. I didn''t ring it to begin with," God said.


    "Yeah, I know. Well, I should say bye to everyone before I leave. It was good talking to you, God," I said. I turned to back into the bar.


    "Wait a second, Dave. I want to tell you something," He said.The author''s tale has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.


    I turned back around. "What''s that, God?"


    "You are not free of judgment just because you''re part of the family now. You have neither been damned nor saved. You still determine that for yourself every day. I don''t say that to scare you. I just want you to be careful. I only want what''s best for you," He said.


    "I understand. Thank you," I said. "If only you were around for my earlier years. I could''ve used the help."


    "I''m always there Dave. You just have to talk to me. I''m glad I finally got you back on the right track. You scared me for a while there," He said.


    "What do you mean, you got me back on the right track? This all started because of my bet with Lucifer," I said.


    "Who do you think allowed Lucifer to hear your boast that you could beat him in a bet?" He said.


    "That was you?" I said in amazement.


    "I am everywhere all the time, Dave. I am always watching and waiting for an opportunity to bring you back to me," He said, sounding choked up.


    "Are you crying?" I said.


    It began to rain on the bar. I could see that the rain stopped a hundred feet away from the door.


    "No! You''re crying!" He said, clearly crying.


    "Don''t cry, God. I''ll be fine," I said.


    "I wish I could be so sure. The problem with being me is that I can see all possibilities all the time, and nothing is ever certain," He said, blowing his nose on a holy tissue. I assumed.


    "God. I''ll be fine. I promise. And I keep my promises," I said.


    "Like you promised to pay back your gambling debts?" He said.


    "Shit! I still need to do that! I''ll get right on it. I promise! Now, I really do have to go! Pee! I need to go pee!" I rushed back into the bar. I really had to go pee, but I also wanted out of that conversation.


    God knew me better than I knew myself. All my achievements. All my transgressions. All my deeds, good and bad. It was hard having that reflected back on you with no filter or sugarcoating.


    I used the restroom, of course, but I''m only mentioning, so you don''t think I didn''t do it. I washed my hands too, but I didn''t dry them. I walked up to Lucifer. He was easy to spot. He was the tallest person in the room.


    I slapped him with my wet hand. "Slap-Five! Don''t you just hate it when you pee on your hands?"


    "Ew, gross!" Lucifer said.


    "It''s just water," I said.


    "Still," Lucifer said.


    "So how''s the party?" I said.


    "Pretty good. Sarah got here a little while ago," Lucifer said.


    "Sarah''s here?" I said, looking around.


    "Uh, yeah. You invited her didn''t you?" He said.


    "Yeah, but how did she even get here? I was actually going to pick her up at her mom''s house," I said.


    "I brought her, of course!" he said.


    "Of course you did," I said. "I can''t tell if you care about my relationships with other people or if you just like watching drama."


    "Yes?" Lucifer said, taking a sip of beer.


    "Does that even do anything for you?" I said, looking at the beer.


    "No. I just like the taste," he said.


    "Oh. I guess that''s fair. I always liked the taste of beer. I tried that non-alcoholic stuff for a while, but it made me miss real beer too much and I ended up just drinking the real stuff. So I''m staying away from beer, alcoholic or not," I said.


    "Good for you," Lucifer said.


    "Well, I''m going to look for Sarah," I said.


    "Good luck," Lucifer said.


    "Thanks," I said as I weaved between people, trying to get to the bar. When I got there, I saw Tony. "Hey, Tony. I''m trying to find someone in this crowded bar. Can I stand on the bar to find them?"


    "If it was anyone else, I''d shoot them just for asking that," Tony said.


    "But you won''t because it''s me, right?" I said.


    "Correct," he said, waiting. "Go on!"


    "Ok!" I said, getting up on the bar. I looked out at the bar patrons. Everyone looked at me, standing on the bar. "Sarah!" I yelled.


    "Dave!" I heard her voice, and then I spotted her. She made her way over to the bar. I got down off the bar and she slapped me.


    "Ow! What was that for?" I said, holding my face.


    "Are you drunk?" she said accusingly.


    "No. Are you?" I said, still holding my cheek.


    "No, but that''s not the point. If you''re not drunk, why did you stand up on the bar? No sober person stands on a bar." She said with a grumpy look on her face.


    "I swear I''m sober! I just heard you were here, and I needed to find you. It seemed like the quickest way," I said.


    "Oh. I guess that makes sense, but you still shouldn''t stand on a bar. It''s disrespectful," she said.


    "Thank you! See, you could learn a thing or two from this young lady," Tony said.


    "Thank you, good sir," Sarah said.


    "What are you in the middle ages now?" I said.


    "No. Now what did you want to talk about?" she said.


    "I thought Lucifer said you had something to say to me," I said.


    "Oh yeah! I do," she said.


    "So what is it?" I asked.


    "I killed you," she said, breathing a sigh of relief. "You have no idea what a relief it is to get that off my chest."


    "You did what now?" I said, my mouth hanging open.


    "I killed you. You know, so you would win the bet," she said.


    "Oh. Well, I guess, thank you for killing me then?" I said.


    "This conversation is too weird and confusing for me," Tony said, walking away.


    "How?" I said, ignoring Tony.


    "Your medication. I poisoned your medication," she said.


    "With what?" I said.


    "Does it matter?" she said.


    "I guess not," I said.


    "Look, I did it while I was mind controlled, ok? It''s all a bit jumbled up there. Like, if you said the poison, I might remember it, but that''s it," she said.


    "I''m not going to sit here listing out poisons for you to eventually remember it," I said.


    "Which is why I asked if it mattered," she said.


    "Right, that makes sense," I said. I paused. "Do you want to watch Lilith do a keg stand?"


    "Sure!" she said, and we went looking for Lilith.


    <hr>


    I got lost after the keg stand. Too many people rushed in to congratulate her that Sarah got lost in the crowd. I went looking for her, but I somehow ended up at the front door. Just then, Keir walked in. He had some paperwork in his hands.


    "Just the man I was looking for." Keir handed me some paperwork. "You''ve been served. You are required to show up in court in four hours at the behest of Judge Tim of the Mole People. You know Judge Tim, right?"


    "I do," I said. "Four hours, huh? I can still hang out here for a while then, right?"


    "I suppose," Keir said.


    "Good. There''s someone I want you to meet," I said. I took him over to meet Lilith who was still a little tipsy.


    "Ooo, who is this devilish man? Friend of yours?" Lilith said.


    "We''re more like colleagues, but I really wanted you two to meet," I said, smiling devilishly.


    "Oh yeah? Why is that?" Keir said, narrowing his eyes at me.


    "No reason. I just thought you two would get along," I said innocently.


    "We''ll get along if he does shots with me," Lilith said. "Barkeep! Six Devil''s Donuts please!"


    "I don''t know what that is," Tony said, confused.


    Raphael walked up. "I do know what those are. May I?" Raphael gestured at the bar.


    Tony backed away and said, "It''s all yours."


    Raphael disappeared and reappeared behind the bar. "Come here. I''ll show you how it''s done. I''ll show you the dirty way and then I''ll show you the human way."


    "Count me in!" Tony said. "Who said an old dog can''t learn new tricks?"


    "The dirty way is you do this, then this, then sprinkle a little angel magic on it, shake it, stir it, then voil¨¤!" Raphael poured six shots all with a floating red viscous liquid donut in the center.


    "How am I supposed to do that? You literally said you used magic," Tony said.


    "I know. I just did that to impress you. That''s why I''m going to show you the human way. Do you have an espresso machine?" Raphael said.


    "I do," Tony said.


    "Good!" Raphael said, gesturing for Tony to lead the way. "I''ll follow you."


    Tony and Raphael disappeared to another section of the bar.


    "So, who are you and what are you?" Lilith asked Keir.


    "My name is Keir. I work for Heaven as a negotiator of sorts, and I am half-demon, half-angel," he said, looking a little nervous.


    "Ooo, sexy. I like it. All of it. My name is Lilith. I''m a middle upper management human turned demon. Don''t ask me how that works. I don''t know. I prefer to be called a demon queen, but that''s not how Hell runs anymore." She said, smiling with her razor-sharp teeth prominently displayed.


    Keir smiled back with his own razor-sharp teeth.


    "Would you care to join me in a round of shots, Keir?" Lilith asked.


    "I think I would," Keir said, loosening his tie.


    "It''s three shots each. The last one done has to wear an article of clothing from the other person, on their head. Deal?" Lilith put her hand out.


    Keir shook on it. "Deal."


    Lilith gestured to the poured shots. "Grab your first."


    Keir and Lilith grabbed their first shots. Lilith clinked her tiny glass against his. "Bottoms up! You better not puss out on me, Keir!" Lilith said to Keir.


    "I won''t!" he said, taking his first shot at the same time as her and slamming down his glass at the same time as her.


    <hr>


    I feel like it''s needless to say, but Keir lost the bet. She made him wear her bra on his head for three hours. She let him take it off later. I know this because I saw them go into the bathroom, and an hour later come out, and Keir wasn''t wearing her bra on his head anymore.


    He did, however, have her black lipstick smeared all over his mouth, face, and neck. I didn''t tell him, mostly because I didn''t want to ruin his moment. The man had done something I wasn''t sure he could pull off.


    I was betting on it, literally, but I wasn''t sure he could do it. I bet Lucifer that Keir and Lilith would hook up by the end of the night, and Lucifer took the bait. I mean, bet. If I won the bet, Lucifer would get me a real life four-leaf clover. If he won the bet, well, let''s just say he didn''t win the bet and leave it at that.


    <hr>


    Shortly after Lilith and Keir left the bathroom, Tony came up to Lucifer and me, saying, "Guys, the bathroom is on fire."


    "That tracks," I said, nodding.


    "Yeah, that makes sense," Lucifer said.


    "Can someone put it out?" Tony asked.


    "Lucifer?" I asked.


    "Yeah, I''ll do it." Lucifer said.


    Lucifer went into the bathroom and snapped his fingers a few times and came back out. Tony walked into the bathroom, stayed in there for multiple minutes, then came back out.


    "Why is everything marble and granite now? I''m not complaining, but why?" Tony asked.


    "It looks nicer now, right?" Lucifer asked.


    "Yes, it does, but do we really need marble toilets? Is that necessary?" Tony asked.


    Lucifer looked at me and I looked at Lucifer, and we ran in different directions.


    "Guys?" Tony said.


    <hr>


    I left the bar completely sober with Steve by my side. It seemed like I was his guardian now. He needed one. He was, by most definitions, a grown man, but he could not take care of himself. He would be crashing with me at the administrator''s castle for a while until I could get him on his feet.


    We teleported to the Last Temptation casino in Las Vegas. I expected the building to be destroyed, but it was one of the few left standing. We went inside to visit Mephistopheles and use his subterranean elevator.

 Chapter 24: The Trial

    When the doors opened to Mephistopheles'' office, Steve and I were greeted by Mephistopheles and Lucifer. I was surprised to see him here, but I figured he just forgot to say something to me at the party.


    "Lucifer, how can I help you?" I asked.


    "I''m going to need that sword you''re wearing on your hip there," Lucifer said, pointing at Azrael''s sword.


    "But I need it to save the world and stuff. Also, it makes a cool crackling sound when I swing it," I said.


    "That is true, but the Crown of Corruption and your other abilities should allow you to serve that purpose adequately. It is Azrael''s sword and as such, he should have it back," Lucifer said.


    "But I needed the sword in the fight against the four or five horsemen. Doesn''t that prove that I need to keep it?" I said.


    "You''ll just have to learn how to survive without it. Steve proved useful in the fight. Maybe you could turn him into a sword," Lucifer said.


    "While that sounds hilarious, I doubt Steve has the ability to turn into a sword," I said, looking at Steve, who wasn''t there anymore.


    He disappeared. And then I looked down. Lying on the floor was a sword made entirely of solidified white light. It was massive. It was more like a claymore or a great sword than a standard sword. "Steve? Is that you?" I said.


    "Yeah. I wanted to see if I could do it. Try waving me around," he said.


    "Uh, ok," I said, picking up Steve the sword.


    I swung the sword a few times. It felt good in my hands. It had heft to it, but nothing overwhelming or too heavy for me to handle. It made a satisfying "Woom" sound every time I swung it.


    Although, it did just sound like Steve was making the sound with his mouth rather than it coming from the sword''s interaction with the air. It sounded so similar to the sword sounds of a popular piece of media that I could probably get sued for copyright infringement, but I didn''t care. It was awesome!


    But I had to let it go. I couldn''t make Steve stay in this form. It felt cruel. "While I greatly appreciate the effort and you make an excellent sword, I can''t have you stay in this form all the time. It feels demeaning."


    "Not to me!" Steve said.


    "Eh, I don''t like it," I said.


    "Would you rather see me standing beside you?" Steve said.


    "Yeah, I would," I said.


    "Well, I can do both," Steve said. I don''t know how to describe this well, but Steve came out of the sword. His arm just sprung out of it, then his head and chest, and then his legs, until he was standing next to me while I held a wicked cool sword.


    "How did you do that?" I asked.


    "Well, there are technically five of me left. One of them stays as a sword¡ªwhich I''ll add he really enjoys¡ªand the rest of me stands beside you. I could split into more of me, but one feels like enough for now."


    "I see," I said. "And you''re saying he likes being a sword. The one I''m holding right now."


    "Yes. Quite a lot, actually. He says he likes the feeling of the wind whooshing around him when you swing him," Steve said.


    "Well, what about when he''s sheathed?" I asked.


    "Try it and I''ll tell you what he says," Steve replied.


    I removed Azrael''s sword from the sheath and handed it to Lucifer, and then put sword Steve into the sheath.


    "He says it''s nice and cozy in there. He likes it. Kind of like a weighted blanket," he said.


    "Nice. Wait, how do you know what a weighted blanket is?" I said.


    "Commercials. I saw a bunch of them before I accidentally destroyed most of Vegas," he said.


    "I see," I said. "Well, I''m good with this if you are."


    "I am, and he is," Steve said.


    "Well, it looks like that''s settled," Lucifer said. "Azrael gets his sword back, and you don''t have to worry about dropping a sword that melts through concrete and accidentally chopping Jon''s other leg off."


    "How did he lose it in the first place?" I asked.


    "I don''t know. He''s always losing that thing. It ends up in the weirdest places, too. One time it got stuck at an angle in a stone and some kid had to pull it out. And then he became the king of England. It was strange."


    "Are you talking about King Arthur?" I asked.


    "Oh, you know him?" Lucifer asked.


    "Um, I mean, pretty much everyone does," I said, scratching my head.


    "Great. That''s just great. Azrael should really get in trouble one of these days for doing this so many times, but father always forgives him. You know, father. Always forgiving everybody," Lucifer said, exasperated.Unauthorized use of content: if you find this story on Amazon, report the violation.


    "Right. He is always doing that. I should really be going though. The Mole People summoned me and Steve as witnesses for the trial of the four or five horsemen," I said.


    "Before you go, here''s your four-leaf clover," Lucifer said, handing me a laminated four-leaf clover.


    "Why is it laminated?" I asked.


    "You don''t want it to break before you use it," Lucifer said, tapping his temple.


    "That''s smart, but what do you mean by use it? Doesn''t it just give me ambient good luck?"


    "That''s a common misconception," he said. "Four-leaf clovers have a shelf life. You can either use the good luck little by little over a long period, or you can use it all at once. Personally, with your karmic rebalancing ability, I''d use it all at once for something big."


    "Good to know. Thanks. We''ll see what ends up happening, I guess," I said, looking at the clover. It was a pretty little thing. "Is it activated passively or actively? Like, do I have to think about using it?"


    "It works either way," Lucifer said. "Just depends on how you want to use it."


    "Cool. Alright. Now I think I''m actually ready to go," I said, putting the clover in my pocket.


    "Ok. Well, good luck," Lucifer said. "I''ll see you around, I guess."


    "Yeah, I guess so," I said, walking past him.


    It was hard knowing I probably wouldn''t see Lucifer again for a long time. We''d been through a lot together and with the aid of a time pocket, we had known each other for a very long time. Roughly 10 years, by my calculations.


    Raphael and I were the reason he was back in his old position and that he was a relatively normal, functioning person. He had been so damaged by his father''s perceived betrayal, and the millennia he spent in Hell.


    It was hard to imagine my life without him by my side, constantly bickering and belittling me. You could argue he was a thorn in my side, but I would argue he was a welcome one. The wound created by this parting wouldn''t heal for a long time. A single tear ran down my cheek that I quickly wiped away.


    "Mephistopheles. If you could ready the subterranean elevator."


    "You can just call me Meph, Dave. Now that you''re the new Devil and all," Mephistopheles said, getting out his key ring.


    "Ok, Meph. You know, I''m technically not even classified as a devil, right?" I said.


    "I know, but the ruler of Hell has been called the Devil so long that it just feels fitting," he said, picking out the right key.


    "I suppose that''s fair, but just know I don''t love that title," I said.


    "Yes, sir, Mr Devil, sir," Meph said, smiling devilishly.


    "Your antagonism is noted. You shall be dealt with appropriately when the time comes," I said, smiling devilishly back.


    Meph slid the bookcase back, revealing the elevator. Then he pressed the button to call the elevator, and it immediately opened. "You know I was just kidding, right?"


    I stepped into the elevator and turned around. Steve followed suit. "You know I was just kidding too, right?" I said, still smiling as I pressed the button for the sub-basement.


    "Of course," Meph laughed nervously as the elevator door closed.


    When the door was closed, I said, "Steve, get ready to jump onto the ceiling."


    "What? Uh, ok," he said.


    The elevator sped down, picking up speed rapidly. I jumped and did a half flip onto the ceiling. Steve tried to do the same, but he landed on his knees by accident.


    "When the elevator slows down, we''ll drift down to the ground. Do another half flip when that happens but slower," I said.


    "Ok," Steve said.


    He did a better job of the slow flip when we slowed down, but he still landed on one knee. We were both standing when the elevator opened. Jonathan, or Jon, was standing there waiting for us.


    "Good evening, gentlemen. My name is Jonathan, but you may call me Jon. I am here to escort you to the courthouse forthwith," Jon said.


    "Yes, sir, Jonathan, sir," I said. "This is my friend Steve. I am acting as his mentor at the moment, since he is technically one day old at this point."


    "Surface dwellers sure do grow up quick!" Jon said. "It''s a pleasure to meet you, Steve."


    "It''s a pleasure to meet you as well, small furry man," Steve said.


    "I am not a man! I am a Mole Man. There is a difference," Jon said, a little upset.


    "I am sorry. It''s a pleasure to meet you, Mole Man, Jonathan," Steve said.


    "That''s better," Jon said. "Now let us make haste to the courthouse!"


    "Yes, let''s do that," I said.


    We arrived at the courthouse in record time. When we walked into the courtroom, the five horsemen and Harvey were sitting at a table with their appointed lawyer, Bartholomew, or Bart. Jon directed us to sit in the gallery until called upon, so that''s what we did.


    A small murmur went through the crowd upon seeing my face again. Judge Tim banged his gavel. "Order! Order! I will have order in this courtroom!" Everyone quieted down. "Thank you."


    The case proceeded similarly to my own. The charges were laid out against the five horsemen and Harvey. They were extensive, but they included "attempted apocalypse," "non consensual mind control," "possessing an illegally large weapon," "attempted cannibalism," "criminal negligence in handling deadly disease," and "killing people when they touch you."


    Bart tried to do the same thing he had with me, plead guilty for a lighter sentence, but the horsemen and Harvey weren''t having it. They decided to represent themselves, which was the first in a series of mistakes they made.


    Another mistake was not covering your mouth when coughing or sneezing. "Add another count of criminal negligence to the list," Judge Tim said after Pestilence sneezed for the third time without covering his mouth or nose.


    The trial did not go well for them at all. Conquest made a fool of himself on the stand. He kept talking about how many people he''s killed and towns he''s conquered. War broke every chair he was asked to kneel for the rest of the proceedings. Pestilence got 92 counts of criminal negligence for sneezing.


    Famine was held in contempt of court for asking when lunch was too many times. And Death was Death. Nothing seemed to go well for him. I found out later that he''d accidentally killed three people before they had to put him in a hazmat suit to protect others from his death touch.


    Eventually, they did the same for Pestilence. You''d think they''d do it before he got 92 counts of criminal negligence, but it wasn''t my court. I wasn''t going to question how Tim ran it.


    None of them took being on the stand seriously. They had to bring out the truth machine to get them to confess to their crimes, but the list was so long that Tim had to pause the trial for meal breaks and even for people to go home and sleep.


    After three whole days, we had finished hearing Conquest''s confession. We spent the next four days listening to the confessions of the other four horsemen and Harvey. I asked Judge Tim if I could get a recording of Harvey''s confession. It contained a long list of co-conspirators that I would need to deal with back in Hell.


    Steve and I spent very little time on the stand compared to the five horsemen and Harvey. Our testimony wasn''t even that difficult. They just asked us if they attacked us or innocents within our view. The answer was yes most of the time. When it was all said and done, Judge Tim sentenced them to 10,000 years in the molten core of the earth. The horses were allowed to go free.


    Steve and I watched the horsemen and Harvey get dunked in the core, and then Judge Tim invited us to lunch. We graciously accepted and spent an hour and a half discussing the trial. There wasn''t a lot to discuss compared to how long it was.


    The lunch consisted of tubers and roots, mostly. They were well prepared, so I enjoyed it, but I wasn''t very hungry. I''d just sat through the longest trial of my life. That said, trials topside had a tendency to last years, so I guess it could have been worse.

 Chapter 25: Dealing With the Cops

    When we were topside again, I teleported Steve and me to my apartment, which was covered in crime scene tape. He didn''t seem to be able to teleport himself. My phone began to blow up with calls from various police departments and news channels.


    How they got my phone number in the first place I didn''t know. I answered the phone for the Las Vegas police first, because they had been the chillest with me in the past.


    "This is Dave. Leave a message after the beep. Beep," I said.


    "Oh, uh, Dave, this is the Las Vegas police calling. Please call us back when you get this message," a nervous police officer said.


    "Hey! This isn''t actually a voicemail. I was just kidding!" I said.


    "Whoa! Ah! Ok. I see. Do you have a moment to come by and sit down with us? We just have a few questions. This is Officer Drew, from before, when I pulled you over? I gave you a ride to a sperm bank?" Officer Drew said.


    "Oh, hi, Officer Drew. Yeah, I remember. I made sure to get some extra sperm from the bank just for you," I said.


    "Oh. Really?" he asked.


    "No, I was just kidding again," I said.


    "Oh, good, because that would have been gross," he said.


    "That''s why it was a joke," I said.


    "Right. Well, if you could drop by sometime today, that would be great," he said.


    "Does now work?" I asked.


    "What do you mean by now? Like in 15 or 30 minutes? How long is it going to take you to get here? Especially considering you don''t have a crazy contraption of a car anymore," he said.


    "About thirty seconds. I just have to tell my friend I''m leaving," I said.


    "Oh. Ok. I don''t pretend to understand how you''re going to accomplish that, but we''ll see you when you get here. Here being the Las Vegas Police Department. Which is somehow still standing," he said.


    "Right. Alright I''m hanging up now," I said.


    "You do that," he said as I hung up.


    I turned to Steve, who was waiting patiently on the couch.


    "Hey Steve. So I have to go to the Police Department and talk some things out with the boys. Are you good to hang out here?" I said.


    "Yeah. Do you have anything to do?" he said.


    "Yeah, you can watch TV. Here I''ll turn it on for you," I said, turning on the TV to a channel that played mostly cop procedurals.


    "Oh, cool! Alright. I''ll wait here until you return," Steve said. "You''re still taking ''sword me'' with you right?"


    "Yes," I laughed.


    "Ok," he said, turning his attention to the TV. He laughed. "That''s hilarious!"


    I looked at the TV, and the cops were just examining a dead body. Huh. I guess we all find different things funny. I teleported to just outside the Las Vegas Police Department and walked inside.


    "You really did mean thirty seconds. Wow. Ok. Come with me. We have a lot to discuss," he said.


    "Before we start, I have to say go easy on the cuffs. They chafe my wrists. And my safe word is ''banana,''" I said.


    "Don''t worry. We won''t be putting any cuffs on you. From what I''ve heard, that doesn''t work on you," he said.


    "You''re right. It doesn''t. I just break them accidentally," I said.


    "Sounds like a nice problem to have," he laughed.


    "You can say that, but I wouldn''t. I just want to get along. I don''t want to look like I''m constantly resisting arrest," I said.


    "From what I''ve heard, you have, in fact, resisted arrest a couple times," he said as we walked into an interrogation room.


    I figured it was standard procedure. I''d seen people talk to police in their offices before on TV, but I wasn''t entirely sure what circumstances dictated which room you got to talk to the police in.


    "Yeah, once. One of those times, I was just resisting being shot to death by a trigger-happy detective," I said.


    "I don''t know the full circumstances of the incident, so I''ll take your word for it," he said.


    We both sat down in uncomfortable aluminum chairs with a table between us. It was a mostly empty room with fluorescent lights and a one-way mirror on one wall. He laid down a folder with some papers in it. I knew he couldn''t do anything serious to me, so I grabbed the folder and pulled it over to me.


    I opened it and started flipping through it. It had pictures of me in various places doing various things. In one of them I was picking my nose, but I was pretty sure that was photoshopped.


    "Hey! You can''t do that!" he said, trying to grab the folder back.This book''s true home is on another platform. Check it out there for the real experience.


    I gently put my hand on the folder, and he couldn''t take it from me. What felt like the tiniest pressure to me was insurmountable to him.


    "I can''t?" I raised an eyebrow. "Do you want an open, friendly, and transparent discussion with me, or do you want to keep secrets and be antagonistic? The choice is yours." I took my hand off the folder.


    He looked at me, then at the folder, then at me again, and took his hand off the folder. He sat back down and fixed his shirt, which had become wrinkled.


    "Since you are not currently being charged with anything and as a show of good faith, I will allow you to peruse the file we have on you, but know that we don''t normally allow this," he said.


    "I understand. These are extraordinary circumstances. I did just save the world from complete and utter destruction," I said. "Well, not just, I guess. I saved it a week ago, but you know what I mean."


    "I think I do, but elaborate," Drew said.


    "Ok. Before I start, I understand there will be a burden of proof placed on me due to the unbelievable nature of what I''m about to tell you. I''d like to get that out of the way first. Do you have anything really difficult to bend or break that I can use to prove my strength?" I said.


    "Hmm. Would a coffee mug work?" he said.


    "It better not be something you like. I''m not going to destroy your ''#1 Dad'' mug. That''s horrific," I said.


    "Ok, what about a rock from outside?" he asked.


    "Sure," I said.


    Officer Drew looked at the one-way mirror and said, "Can someone get a rock?"


    We heard some shuffling, and then a voice came over a speaker. "Yes. Hold on."


    "They better not bring in that wrestler turned actor, or I''m going to lose my shit," I said.


    "They wouldn''t do that. That would be ridiculous," he said.


    The door opened, and someone came in, placed something on the table, and left. I examined the object. It was a granite plaque that said, "Employee of the Year - Janet Meyer."


    "What did I just say? I''m not destroying someone''s achievement. I''m not crushing Janet''s granite," I said.


    The same voice came over the speaker. "Don''t worry. She has twenty of those."


    "She has twenty Employee of the Year awards? I''d like to meet this person. She sounds amazing," I said. "Still, though, I''m not breaking this. That''s just messed up."


    "Fine," the voice said.


    A minute later, the same person walked in as before and put a fist sized rock on the table.


    I picked it up and rolled it in my hands. "Now, this is what I''m talking about. This I can work with." I held the rock in my right hand. "Make sure you get this on camera."


    I slowly squeezed the rock harder and harder until cracks began to form on the surface. Then it began to break apart until it crumbled into pieces in my hand.


    "See? I just did something no normal human can do. Especially not someone of my size," I said. I poured what was left of the rock onto the right side of the table, out of the way of my arms.


    Drew looked at the pile of crumbled rock, dumbfounded. "You certainly met a burden of proof in terms of unbelievable things. Now, what are you going to tell me?"


    "This is going to sound even more unbelievable than what I just showed you, but please try to wrap your heads around it. Hell exists. Hell is real. Demons are real. Angels are real. God is real. And the Devil is real," I said.


    Drew breathed a sigh of relief. "Any god fearing Christian believes that."


    "Here comes the hard part. I am the new administrator of Hell. I recently replaced Lucifer, who has re-ascended into Heaven as a reformed angel. They needed someone to fill the position, and since I was the one who initiated his reformation, they gave the job to me," I said.


    "Ok, now I''m lost," he said, blinking rapidly.


    "Lucifer, the Devil, was in charge of Hell. He asked God for forgiveness for his sins and God forgave him. God re-instated Lucifer as an angel. Are you with me so far?" I said.


    "Yes, I think so," he said, straightening up in his chair.


    "That left a vacancy at the top of Hell''s corporate structure. The CEO position was open. You still with me?" I said.


    "Yes. This is making sense," he said.


    "I got Lucifer to reform. So they offered me his old job," I said.


    "Ok, I get it now," he said. "But you said no, right?"


    "I tried to, but they kind of had me in a corner. Saying yes was the only legitimate option," I said, putting my hands together.


    "Ok. So that makes you the Devil?" he said.


    "Sort of. Devil is a classification that refers to fallen angels. Lucifer was the Devil with a capital ''D'', because he was the devil in charge. I am a human, not a devil. So the title shouldn''t really apply to me, but since the ruler of Hell was called the Devil for so long, the two have become synonymous. So in the sense that I am the ruler of Hell, yes I am the Devil," I said.


    "So you''re a bad guy, then?" Drew asked.


    "No," I said.


    "How? Why not?" Drew asked.


    "I''m just in charge of running Hell, the place they keep people who have chosen to separate themselves from God. I don''t have to tempt people towards Hell or entice them. I''m just in charge of managing the demons and human souls in Hell. That''s all. Oh, and stopping early apocalypses, and basically whatever God tells me to do," I said.


    "I see. So you''re not a bad guy?" He said.


    "No. I''m not," I said.


    "Are you a good guy?" he asked.


    "Arguably. I would say so," I said.


    "Ok. So we wanted to find out what happened with the destroying of Vegas and the fight in Reno and why an inactive volcano has suddenly become active again. But it sounds like you want something more than that," he said.


    "I do. I want special access to crime scenes and all law enforcement and intelligence data. This would help me keep the world safe from future apocalypses and other disasters," I said.


    "I can''t personally grant you access to all of that. I can probably get you access to crime scenes in Las Vegas and the data of the Las Vegas Police Department, but that''s it," he said.


    "Can you share this video with all law enforcement and intelligence agencies and give them my phone number and email?" I asked.


    "Yeah, we can probably do that. I''ll have to ask the chief, but that doesn''t sound unreasonable to me," he said.


    A different voice came over the speaker. "Tell him the Chief is ok with it, says me, the Chief."


    "Ok. Looks like the Chief is ok with those things," he said with a smile.


    "Yeah, I heard that. Not meaning to be rude or anything," I said.


    "That''s fine. Ok, so now that we have your requests settled, do you want to tell us what happened?" he said.


    "Sure," I said.


    I explained everything that happened from just before the bet to the bet, and everything that happened after, including the party and the trial. Even with everything I had already told them, they had a hard time believing Mole People existed, but I eventually got them over that hump.


    They let me take the Bubble with me and when I asked for the medallions that the other police department had taken, they said they would call over there and let me know the results.


    I ended up teleporting myself and the Bubble back to the little cave alcove where it originally launched from. As I was putting it back on the tracks that led into the magma, I wondered why I didn''t just teleport Steve and me down here for the trial.


    It would have been slightly faster than the elevator, but then I wouldn''t have met up with Lucifer in the way that I did. So I guessed everything worked out for the best.


    After I was done, I teleported back to my apartment. Steve was still there watching TV, which I realized was probably the best thing for him right now. You could learn a lot about life and society from TV if you had no other interaction with people to learn from. I wondered if they had TV in Hell.


    After assuring Steve that everything was fine, I texted Margaret and told her I found a way to still date her. She was pleased and excited. I asked her where she wanted to meet for our date and when. She said right now and outside her work, which I knew to be the Fortress of Bureaucracy.


    So I took a quick look in the mirror, brushed my teeth, mussed up my hair, and put on my favorite shirt, which I was already wearing, told Steve I would be gone for a bit, and teleported to the Fortress of Bureaucracy.

 Chapter 26: The Date (Book 1 End)

    Margaret came out of the Fortress of Bureaucracy a few seconds after I teleported in front of it. She looked around and said, "Did the Devil drop you off?"


    "You could say that," I said cryptically.


    I wanted to have a genuine, relaxed date with Margaret to get to know her without having the pressure of me being her new boss''s boss''s boss''s boss''s boss.


    "How are we getting to this cafe?" I asked.


    "We could walk, but let''s take the subway. Walking would take forever," she said.


    "Ok," I said.


    We walked a block to the subway station and went down the stairs. There were what appeared to be homeless demons talking to themselves, a three-man band playing what sounded like a cross between classical and metal music in public, and one guy doing street magic, but his name was probably something like Christopher Demon. It was basically a normal subway.


    When we got on the train, there was a guy talking to his own reflection, someone walking up and down the aisle asking for change, and someone loudly professing their demonic religious views that I didn''t understand.


    "This is just like a normal NYC subway," I said.


    "Yeah, Hell always tends to exaggerate the negative aspects of life on earth, but you can''t really get much worse than a NYC subway, so it stayed basically the same," she said.


    "That seems kind of unfair to demons," I said. "I wonder if the Devil could do something about that."


    "It''s not that big of a deal. You get used to it," Margaret said. "The Devil thinks that demons enduring suffering allows us to better understand how to extend that suffering onto the human souls."


    "That doesn''t really make sense," I said. "Couldn''t you just get good at torturing souls by, you know, torturing souls?"


    "That''s what I think, but no one listens to me. I''m just an administrative assistant," she said, shrugging.


    "What if you weren''t just an administrative assistant?" I asked.


    "I''d make a lot of changes, but why bother with that mental exercise when it''ll never happen? I''m only sixty years old. I''m very young for a demon, and the birth rates have been declining, so it''s unlikely I''ll get bumped up anytime soon. Why think about it now, when it won''t happen for another two hundred years, if it does happen?" she said.


    Damn. That was rough. I felt sorry for her. If only she had more agency in her life. Sure, I could change all that for her without even having to snap my fingers, but that would change our relationship dynamic drastically. We might even have to stop dating.


    Not that we were really even dating yet, since this was our first date and it hadn''t even started yet. But I was tired of relationships not working out. I wanted this one to work. I needed a partner down here, especially if I was going to last long term, at least mentally.


    I''d consider hiring her as my assistant director or something. So far, she seemed to have a good head on her shoulders, but I guess I''d have to wait for the date to really find that out.


    When we got off the train, we found the same situation as before: a three-person band, a street magician, and people staring into their phones, trying really hard to ignore everything that was going on around them. If I hadn''t verified the band and magician were different people, I would''ve sworn we hadn''t left the last station.


    After we had left the underground, we walked a few blocks to the place. It had a big red neon "IRS" sign above the door. We walked inside and were immediately addressed by the host.


    "Two?" She held two index fingers up instead of just two fingers on the same hand. She looked at me strangely, and then her eyes went wide and her eyebrows shot up.


    "Yes," Margaret said.


    "Yes, sir. I mean, ma''am. Yes, ma''am. If you could follow me this way," she said.


    She was a short demon woman wearing a black button shirt and black slacks. She sat us in a booth in the corner of the restaurant. She gave me an almost imperceptible nod. She apparently knew who I was.


    I looked around the restaurant and everyone there was looking right at me. They all nodded slightly and then went back to whatever they were doing. My God. Apparently, everyone had heard the news about the new administrator. Everyone except Margaret somehow.


    "I think everyone''s looking at us because they think you''re a demon in human form. No demons stay in human form when they''re not on earth. And no humans walk around in the administrative district unless they''ve escaped from the rings of Hell," she said.


    "If I''m such an oddity, why did you want to go on a date?" I asked. I was curious. The more she explained, the less it made sense for her to date me. She was on a date with someone who not only stuck out like a sore thumb but also looked like an escaped convict.


    "I like different. I thought you might have a different perspective or way of doing things than every demon man I''ve ever met," she said, smiling a small smile.


    "Do I live up to the hype?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.


    "Well, you haven''t set anything on fire or tried to show off how masculine you are yet, so I''d say yes," she said, still smiling at me like I was the only person in the room.


    Margaret was a demon. I didn''t know what type of demon, if there even were such a thing as types. She had smooth red skin, small red horns, and a red arrowed tail peeking out of her tan pantsuit.


    She was in good shape, like she worked out, but I couldn''t imagine how she had time to do that with a bureaucratic job. Maybe she was one of those religious exercisers who worked out every morning but barely fit it into her morning routine.


    "I have to ask something, though. How come you aren''t drooling all over me? Any normal human would barely be able to speak in my presence. Or they''d try to rip their clothes off or rip my clothes off," she said.


    "Why is that?" I said, looking at the menu.


    Every menu item had some sort of reference either to Hell or the IRS in its name. There was a Deviled Egg Sandwich, a Seven Deadly Sins Club Sandwich, a Damned Good BLT, Form 1040 Fries, and The Audit Special, to name just a few of the many items that were on the menu.


    "Because I''m a succubus," she said.


    I was taking a sip of water when she said this. I almost spit the water out of my mouth in surprise. "You''re a what?"This novel is published on a different platform. Support the original author by finding the official source.


    "A succubus. You know, a sex demon," she said.


    "I know what a succubus is. I just thought you''d be more¡­" I trailed.


    "Sexual?" she asked.


    "I know this is probably offensive, but yes. Just assume I''m an ignorant human and please don''t hate me for it. I''m here to learn," I said.


    "I''m not offended," she said. "I have a thicker skin than that."


    "So are all succubi like yourself? Understated sexually, I mean," I said.


    "No. Most of my family very much represents the stereotype. They all dress inappropriately sexy, even in formal settings, and travel to earth frequently to prey on humans," she said, looking into the distance.


    "This is probably too personal of a question to ask so early, but if we, uh, enter a relationship, so to speak, would you automatically prey on me or is it something you can turn on and off?" I asked.


    "It is a little early for that question, but I understand the need to ask it," she said. "No. It is something I can turn on and off, but if things get really spicy, it can turn on by itself sometimes. Not that it would hurt you much. The sex would just feel exponentially better in the moment, but you''d feel exhausted afterwards."


    "I''m not saying I''m excited by that prospect, but I wouldn''t say no to a relationship with someone as nice as you seem to be over it," I said, still looking at the menu. "I think I''ll have the BLT. You?"


    "Good choice. I always get the Deviled Egg Sandwich. It is to die for," she said. "Also, smooth move tucking relationship talk under food talk." She giggled.


    "That''s what I''m known for. They call me ''Smooth Dave'' on earth," I said, making a goofy ''smooth'' looking face at her.


    She giggled again. "Do they really?"


    "Nope. No one calls me that," I laughed. "To answer your previous question, which I so smoothly avoided, I have an ability I got from Mephistopheles that allows me to get karmic boons if my luck has been bad lately. I used it when I was succumbing to your charms, and suddenly it went away and I could see you as a whole ass person again."


    "You tricked not only the Devil, but Mephistopheles, the king of deals?" She sounded impressed.


    "Yeah. I did. Maybe I''m smoother than I think," I said.


    "Maybe you are. Interesting. So you''re immune to my charms. I wonder what else you have up your sleeves," she said.


    "You''ll just have to wait and find out," I said.


    The waitress came up to our table. "Hi, my name is Nimby. I''ll be your server today. Uh, sir, you don''t have to maintain human form here. You can change back. It''s ok. We''re all demons here."


    "I''m actually not a demon. I''m a human. A living one," I said.


    "Wait, then how are you here right now?" she asked. Then realization dawned on her face. "Oh! OH! I see. Carry on, sir. Sorry to bother you. So have you two decided what you''d like to order?"


    We put in our orders, and Nimby took the menus. She nodded at me and winked. Man, literally everyone except Margaret knew about me. What was the deal? I still wanted to keep the facade up a little longer, though. I really wanted to get to know what she was like before she found out who I was and everything changed.


    "What was that about?" Margaret asked.


    "What was what about?" I asked, avoiding the question.


    "The whole ''Oh! OH!'' thing? What was she realizing? Is there something you''re not telling me?" Margaret said, putting her hands on her hips.


    "Ok, ok. Yes, there is something I''m keeping a secret, but I really don''t want it to get between us, before we even get to know each other properly. Can we please not discuss it until after the meal? Please? I promise it''s nothing bad or harmful to you in any way," I said.


    She breathed in deep and sighed. "With this many red flags, I would normally call a date off completely, but you seem genuine, so I''ll give you just this one time to keep a secret from me. But only until the end of the meal, and after that, you are always honest and upfront with me."


    "I promise," I said. "So big question. Have you ever thought about having kids?"


    "Wow! Ok. You skipped right past icebreaker and split the iceberg. Um, yeah I have. I''m open to kids, but I''m not racing towards it," she said.


    "That''s fair. I''m kind of in the same boat. I''ve always wondered what it would be like to be a father, but I still don''t want to give up my freedom just yet," I said.


    "I get that," she said. "Since you asked a question, I get to ask one now."


    "Shoot," I said.


    She made a finger gun at me and said, "Pew! Pew!"


    "Oh, my God. That is adorable and also incredibly lame," I said.


    "Hey! We don''t say that word down here," she said, looking around.


    A few people were staring at us, but as soon as I gazed back at them, they looked down at their food.


    "Ah, I see. My apologies. It''s going to take a while to get used to living down here," I said.


    "What do you mean? You''re going to ''live'' down here now? I thought you were just visiting," she said.


    "Uh, yeah. That''s part of the big thing. How about this? I''ll tell you a little, but I''ll leave the rest until afterwards. Are you amenable to that?" I said.


    "Sure," she said. "Now you''re making it sound less like a bad thing and more like juicy gossip! Gimme, gimme! Spill the tea!"


    "I''ll spill the tea," I laughed. She was genuinely funny, on top of being cute. The longer we talked, the more I realized I was in deep shit. She was exactly my type. "So I''m moving down here to fill a job position that has been made vacant recently."


    "What? How does that work? I didn''t know a human could live down here, let alone work down here," she said.


    "I''m really not sure how it works. You''ll have to ask the people who offered me the job," I said.


    "Who would that be?" she asked, leaning forward in her seat.


    I pointed up.


    "Earth?" she asked, looking confused.


    "Higher," I said.


    "Purgatory?" she asked, looking more confused.


    "Higher," I said.


    "No way. Heaven?" she asked, shocked.


    "Yes," I said.


    "Why? How?" she asked.


    "Why? Because I was the most qualified person they could find. And how? They were very persuasive. They offered me a ton of benefits, but the one that enticed me the most was the fact that I''d be able to date you. Without taking the job, I''d be stuck on earth with no way to get to you," I said.


    "That''s so sweet, but we barely know each other," she said.


    "I know. I''m not saying I''m ready to get married or anything. I just know if I didn''t at least try, I would always wonder what could have been, and I don''t want to live my life in regret," I said, shrugging.


    "I suppose that''s fair, but that''s another word we don''t say down here," she said.


    "What? Marriage? Why?" I asked.


    "It''s holy. You know the phrase ''Holy Matrimony''? We don''t allow holy things down here. The farthest we take things is a lifelong partner," she whispered.


    "Isn''t that the same thing?" I asked.


    "Not to the big guy, it isn''t," she said.


    "I see. Well, that may change soon," I said.


    "Why?" she asked.


    "Let''s just say I have the big guy''s ear," I said. And all of his other parts, too, because I was the big guy now.


    "Oh, right, because you had a bet with him, right? I thought he would have hard feelings after losing," she said.


    "No hard feelings. We''re basically best friends now. It feels like we''ve known each other for years," I said, because we had.


    "Huh. Ok. I''m not complaining. I don''t know why, but I was really excited about this date. I have a good feeling about this one," she said, winking at me.


    I winked back. The food arrived, and we began eating. I would say it was divine, but that was probably blasphemy down here. So let''s just say it was infernal, but in a good way. The Damned Good BLT was damn good as advertised!


    I was really curious what kind of strange and otherworldly sodas they had down here, but the only thing weird about their sodas was that they had both of the competing brands, unlike earth restaurants that only ever carried one.


    As we were eating and commenting on the food, and having a generally good time, a group of men and women who were dressed similarly to police officers came into the restaurant. They had a very 1990s police officer vibe, except their clothing was black and red.


    I saw them talking to the host, and the host pointed at our booth. Uh oh. It looked like trouble. Trouble I could probably get out of either through authority or force, but I would have to reveal my identity, and I wasn''t ready to do that yet.


    The police officers walked angrily and ominously up to our booth. "We got a report of an escaped damned soul at the IRS. Do you care to explain what you''re doing here, sir?" The officer looked at Margaret. "He''s not holding you hostage, is he, ma''am?"


    "No, no! Not at all! He''s my date! He works here now! Explain it to them, Dave!" she said in a panic.


    "Hold on a sec. Did you say this man was Dave? As in Dave Daverson? As in Beauregard David Daverson?" the officer asked shakily.


    "I think so?" she said.


    The officer gulped and looked at me.


    "Yes, unfortunately for me and for you, I am Beauregard David Daverson. Is there anything I can help you with, officers? Because if not, I would very much like to continue my date with this lovely young lady here," I said.


    All the officers bowed deeply and said, "Yes, sir. No, sir. Please have a wonderful evening."


    The officers left the way they came. Margaret looked at me with a shocked look on her face, mixed with a slight smile. "Ok, you have to tell me what that was about. ''Yes, sir. No, sir?'' You''re not just working here. You have a position of authority! What are you? A duke of Hell?"


    "Not exactly," I said, sighing. "I suppose I''ve kept it secret long enough. I''m the new Devil."


    Margaret''s jaw dropped open, and she said, "What?"

 (Book 2) Ch 1: Workplace Etiquette

    "It''s Tuesday. You should wear your midnight blue tie," Margaret said, handing me the aforementioned tie.


    "Thanks, babe. You always dress me so good," I said, hanging the tie on my neck and checking the lengths of each end in a mirror.


    I leaned into her, and we rubbed noses together. It was something we just started doing because we thought it would look weird and dumb to other people, but then we unironically started enjoying it.


    "It''s ''dress me so well'' dear," she said, grabbing the ends of the tie and tying it for me. As I said, she always dressed me so good.


    "I know, but sometimes I like to talk bad. I think it makes me seem adorkable," I said.


    "It does do that, so mission accomplished, but isn''t the most important thing, turning on your girlfriend? I think it''s so hot when you speak real good like," she said, as she put the finishing touches on my tie.


    "See? I have you doing it now. It''s addicting, isn''t it?" I said, as she patted my tie flat against my chest.


    "Perfect," she said. "You are right. It is fun to talk like that, but it''s unprofessional."


    "I''m the Devil. How professional do I need to be?" I said.


    "You do have a point. The old Devil always wore the most ridiculous looking outfits, but he got away with it because he had the power to back it up. You''re still getting there," she said.


    "Yeah, but no one else knows that. You better not be telling your girlfriends that. I have a reputation to maintain. Besides, with sword Steve at my side, I''m plenty more powerful than any demon alive or dead," I said, patting my sword on my waist. It hummed with anticipation over the next time I would draw it. I mean that literally. It literally hummed. With its "mouth."


    "I love you. You know that?" I said, leaning in for a kiss.


    "I know you do," she said, kissing me back passionately.


    "Why aren''t you saying it back? You always say it back," I said, confused.


    "I''m trying on a new, confident, sassy attitude. How does it look?" she said, grabbing and swaying her hips.


    "It''s extremely hot, but maybe don''t do it in front of the neighbors. You don''t want them to get the wrong idea," I said.


    "And what idea would that be, my dear?" she asked, stroking the underside of my chin with an index finger.


    "That I don''t wear the pants in the house," I said.


    "You don''t though. You''re literally not wearing pants right now, and we''re in the house," she said, gesturing at the house.


    "Yeah, but I don''t want people to know that. I''m supposed to be a big, strong man. I don''t want them to know that you''re my world. That would be a sign of weakness, and you know what they do with weaklings down here," I said.


    "They eat them alive," she said at the same time as me, like she''d heard it a hundred times. Which wasn''t true. I''d only said it on two dozen occasions. No more than that.


    "It''s bad enough they think I''m dating my secretary," I said.


    "That''s because you are dating your secretary," she said, smiling adorably, prominently displaying her sharp white teeth.


    "That''s only because you insist on calling yourself my secretary, when you''re really more of an assistant director," I said, mussing up my hair.


    "That''s because it''s hot," she said, handing me my pants.


    "It is, but it undermines my authority," I said, putting on my pants.


    "Your authority is plenty strong, my love. If anything I think your image needs some humanizing," she said.


    "Really? Doesn''t the fact that I''m human do that already?" I asked.


    "No, people still fear you babe. Lucifer was a known Devil. People understood what motivated him. You''re still relatively new so people don''t know what to expect. They''re afraid you could fly off the handle at something unexpected," she said.


    "They''re waiting for me to prove I''m as crazy and unstable as Lucifer was," I said.


    "Exactly," she said, straightening my collar.


    "But I''m not," I said.


    "They still don''t know that yet, but things will settle down in time. You''ll show them who you are and they''ll love you for it," she said. "Just like I do." She kissed me.


    "Thanks, babe. I''ve been the Devil for a year now, though. You''d think they''d be used to me by now," I said.


    "A year is nothing to a demon," she said. "Imagine you''ve had a new boss for a month, and you''ll understand how they feel."


    "I see. Well, I guess I''ll just have to keep on keeping on," I said.


    "You will," she said. "Now get out there and be a good Devil." She smacked my butt to get me going.


    I left the house and teleported to the control room. I looked out over all the machinery, switches, computers, and Steves.


    "Alright boys," I said. "We''re going to crack some whips today, just like we do every day."


    "Sounds good boss," Steve one said.


    "I just finished oiling the whips boss," Steve two said.


    "Two, how many times do I have to say we''re not cracking literal whips? It''s a metaphor. Where did you even get those?" I said.


    "Uh, Shawlmart?" Two said.


    "Shawlmart sells whips now? Huh. I guess they really do sell everything," I said. "Well, were they at least on sale?"


    "Nope," Two said.


    "Can you return them?" I asked.


    "Not after I oiled them," he said.


    "Ok, just put them in a corner. I''ll figure out what to do with them," I said.


    "Ok, boss," Two said.


    A young demon woman came through swinging double doors. She wore a waitress outfit and carried a cup of hot coffee. "Here''s your coffee, sir."


    "Thank you, Nimby. You know you don''t have to wear that uniform anymore, right? You can dress normal," I said, taking a sip of coffee.


    "I don''t want my normal clothes to get dirty. Besides, what is dressing normal, anyway?" she said.


    "Fair. How''s breakfast coming along?" I said.


    "Chef Demi said it''ll be another five minutes," Nimby said, pausing and just looking at me.


    "What? Do I have something on my face?" I said.


    "No, you''re just a really handsome man, boss," she said.


    "Nimby, is that really a professional thing to say?" I asked.


    "What? Of course it is. I call Demi handsome all the time. Do they not do that on Earth?" she said, looking mildly offended.


    "Oh. Um, sorry. They don''t. They consider it unprofessional up there," I said.


    "They sound like a bunch of prudes if you ask me," Nimby said.


    "I suppose they are," I laughed.


    "Fuck ''em. I say find joy where you can whenever you can. Life is short and you only get one," she said.


    "You''re right. You''re an adorable young lady yourself," I said with enthusiasm.


    "Thanks, boss," she said, slapping me on the ass.This text was taken from Royal Road. Help the author by reading the original version there.


    I pointed at her. "Ok, that''s unprofessional," I said.


    "Maybe it is," she said, putting her finger up to her lips. "Sue me if you''ve got a problem with it. What do they say up there? ''If you can''t handle the heat, get out of the kitchen''," she said, flicking her lower lip with her finger provocatively.


    I narrowed my eyes at her. "I''m pretty sure that''s not how you''re supposed to use that phrase. Also, bad Nimby! That''s a bad Nimby!"


    She was a hell spawn, and a spicy one at that.


    She stuck her tongue out at me. "Prude." She walked back into the back, swaying her hips in an exaggerated manner. If she wasn''t careful, she might end up throwing her back out doing that.


    "Thank you, Nimby," I said, rolling my eyes.


    I hired Nimby and Chef Demi from the IRS Cafe that Margaret and I visited on our first date. All of Lucifer''s inner circle had been in on the apocalypse plan with Harvey, so I had to build my staff from scratch.


    I hired a few well-known technicians and had this whole control room setup in real time. I still didn''t have Lucifer''s conjuring ability, so I had to do everything the old-fashioned way. I preferred it, though. From my experiences in the therapy zone, Lucifer''s conjuring ability could sometimes produce unexpected results.


    One time, the dishwasher started talking to me about how it wished I put more dirty dishes inside it rather than washing them by hand. It was like, "I gotta eat too, you know." Man, that was weird.


    I snapped back to what I was doing. "One, Two, Three, Four, are you guys seeing anything?"


    One, Two, and Four replied with different versions of, "No, boss." Three put up a finger, indicating he was in the middle of something.


    "I got something!" Three said.


    "What is it?" I asked.


    "A recent spike in the global death rate. It''s minor, but statistically significant. And there''s a corresponding anomaly in the data," he said.


    "Hit me with it, but don''t actually hit me. Just give me the information," I said.


    "Ok. Famous people from all walks of life have been dying in droves. The local law enforcement agencies are labeling them as murders, but they don''t give any details on how the murders were committed. There''s no link between the victims other than the fact that they''re all famous for something," Three said.


    "Ok. Can you cross reference the names with our database? On the off chance, they''re related to Hell in some way. It''s slim, but it''s better to check than not," I said.


    "Yes, sir," he said, as he worked on the computer. "We got hits."


    "How many?" I asked.


    "All of them," he said. "They''re all in our database as people who''ve made deals with the Devil or a demon."


    "Huh. There has to be a reason for that. Try to find out why," I said.


    <hr>


    The rest of the day was uneventful. There were no new major disasters that would indicate a coming apocalypse. No plagues or strange natural disaster phenomena.


    The Circles of Hell were operating as intended. The weather and atmosphere were correct, and people were being punished appropriately.


    And Heaven and Purgatory were normal. Nothing out of the ordinary. I teleported in front of the door to my home and opened the door. Something was bugging me. The murders were weird, sure, but we''d figure it out and fix it like the other issues we''d encountered. That wasn''t a problem. I was confident about my work.


    What was messing with me was how Nimby acted towards me that morning. I walked up the stairs and sat down on the top of the steps. It was a place I liked to think. Margaret saw me and sat down beside me. I used my Devil authority to widen the stairs, so it was more comfortable for us to sit side by side.


    "What''s going on?" she asked, concerned.


    "I had this really weird experience at work today," I said, rubbing my forehead.


    "What happened? Are you ok?" Margaret asked.


    "I don''t know. Nimby. She crossed a line, and I don''t know what to do about it," I said.


    Margaret scrunched up her face uncomfortably and said, "Did she get too rough during intimacy?"


    "What? No!" I said.


    "Did she try something inappropriate without asking first?" she said.


    "No! Nothing like that," I said, getting confused and a little worried.


    "Oh! Did she break any of the standard workplace protocols for subordinate to manager relations? I hear Earth has strict rules about these things," Margaret said, looking worried herself. She wasn''t worried for the same reason I was, though. She was worried by how anxious I was getting from her questions.


    "What? No! Margaret? What are you talking about?" I asked, standing up.


    "Dave? Are you ok? You''re scaring me," she said, tears welling up in her eyes.


    I sat back down. My getting upset was upsetting her. I tried to relax and calmly explain my confusion, but first I had to make sure she was ok as well. "Babe, I''m sorry. I think there''s been some sort of miscommunication. I don''t want to see you cry. I''m sorry for whatever I did to cause that. Are you ok?"


    She sniffled and wiped her eyes. "Yeah. It''s just I''ve never seen you so upset before. You always brush everything off so easily. Demon men get angry and aggressive and physical so quickly, but you don''t. I''m just really shocked to see you this way is all. Can you explain to me what''s upsetting you so we can work through it together?"


    "Yes, Margaret. We can. I''m sorry for getting upset. I have a feeling a cultural difference is causing my distress, but as I said when we started this a year ago, I''m here to learn," I said, rubbing her back.


    "Ok. Start over. Nimby crossed a line at work today. What line did she cross?" she asked.


    "She hit on me rather aggressively, then smacked my ass and called me a prude. I''m just so confused," I said. "I don''t want to fire her. She''s such a hard worker, and she really needs this job. She''s helping support her siblings with the money and it''s barely enough for her to get by. I''ve been considering giving her raise too. But this sexual harassment thing has my stomach in knots."


    "Sexual harassment? She forced herself on you?" Margaret asked.


    "No," I said, confused again.


    "She forced you on her?" she asked.


    "No," I said. Man, this was confusing. There was a serious miscommunication happening, but I didn''t know how to untangle it.


    "So then she pulled you out of your pants and performed a sexual act on you?" Margaret said.


    "No. None of that," I said. I forced myself to remain calm despite my confusion. Was that what they saw as sexual harassment down here? Because on Earth those things would be classified as sexual assault.


    "Then where''s the sexual harassment?" Margaret said, genuinely confused.


    "She smacked my butt and flirted with me. Does that not count as sexual harassment down here?" I said, with my head in my hands.


    "No. That''s just teasing. I thought she had done something bad during intimacy from how upset you were," she said.


    "You keep bringing that up, and I could not be more confused by it," I said. "Why do you keep assuming that Nimby is performing intimate acts on me?"


    "She''s not?" Margaret said, shocked.


    "No! Why would she be?" I said.


    "Because that''s what you do at work," she said matter-of-factly.


    "Come again?" I asked.


    "Ok, by how this conversation is going, I''m assuming they don''t do this on Earth, but in Hell, subordinates sleep with and or please their boss or bosses if they have multiple. It''s standard workplace etiquette. It''s also healthy. It creates a stronger bond between the manager and their subordinates," Margaret explained.


    "It''s in the employee/employer handbook. Did you not read it? I gave it to you after you took me home on our first date," she said, starting to get a little upset.


    I grimaced. "Uh, yeah, I forgot to do that. I figured it wasn''t that important. I thought it would be like any handbook on Earth."


    Margaret smacked me on the arm. It kind of hurt, and I was supposed to be invulnerable. I guessed I wasn''t. I must have just been really, really tough. While my body tanked most hits, really hard ones could get through. Actually, that would explain why Steve was able to kill me with a punch to the heart over a year ago. But that wasn''t important right now.


    "Ow! What was that for?" I said, rubbing my shoulder.


    "You always read the handbook. Every new job, every new piece of machinery or technology, and every new relationship. Everything in Hell has a handbook, and you always read it! Even small things like refilling the soap dispenser and washing your hands have a handbook," she said.


    "Ok, ok! I didn''t know! On Earth, no one reads handbooks. They just ask people how to do things or they figure it out through trial and error," I said.


    "Earth is not Hell. Hell is not Earth. Get that through your thick skull, Dave! You''re the Devil now! You have a lot of responsibility and if you mess up, people die, or worse. They suffer and live," Margaret said, very upset. She stood up, then sat down, then stood back up again, and then sat back down again.


    "I really want to storm out right now, but we still need to talk about this sexual harassment situation. You are not firing Nimby because she flirted with you and smacked your butt. It''s in the employee handbook."


    "If anything, I''d fire her for taking a year to start coming on to you, but she''s young and inexperienced. And she''s not a succubus. Sexual customs and behaviors don''t come as easily to her as it does for others. She called you a prude because you are a prude, Dave. Look in the mirror."


    "Wait, so you wouldn''t be upset if I slept with people at work?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.


    "Well, since Nimby is the only woman there and you''re not bisexual, I would be confused if you slept with multiple people at work. Especially, since Steve is practically your son. But no, I wouldn''t be upset. I thought you already were sleeping with a person at work. Nimby. She''s fully mature, but young. She''s the perfect age to be shown the way by a kind older man with experience like yourself," Margaret said, waving a handbook at me.


    I wondered where she even got a handbook from. She''d been sitting on the stairs with me the whole time. Was she carrying it on her person?


    "Okay. Okay. Okay. Ok¡­Ok. I know you''re not supposed to tell someone to calm down, but please calm down, Margaret. You''re scaring me now. I''m sorry I haven''t read any of the handbooks you''ve given me," I said.


    "I get that you told me to read them, but you have to understand, on Earth, everyone tells people to read the handbook. No one ever does. Not even the person telling the other person to read it. It''s a weird Earth thing."


    "Now that I know in Hell you''re supposed to read the handbooks, and it''s important for me since I''m not from here, I will read the handbooks. I promise. I will spend all night tonight reading them."


    "No, you will not," she said. "You will get your required eight hours of sleep, mister."


    "That must be another Hell thing. Man, I really should''ve read those handbooks. Sleep on Earth is a recommended thing, but culturally, a lot of us don''t get enough of it, and some people even see it as a badge of honor that they don''t get enough sleep," I said.


    Margaret looked at me like I was a talking fish. "You Earth people are weird."


    "You can just say ''humans''. ''Humans'' are weird," I said.


    "We don''t classify people by species down here, Dave. That''s speciest," she said.


    "Man. I really need to read the handbooks," I said, rubbing my temples. "Hold on. Are you sleeping with anyone else?"


    "I''m going to ignore the judgment in your tone for now, but by tomorrow, you better talk right, or you''re going to get smacked," she said. "No, I''m not, since I only have one boss, and that''s you. I''m doing my duty."


    "That makes sense. I''m not making any promises, but I''ll think about my prudish ways while I read the handbooks. I may not follow through with what you''re saying, but I will respect it," I said.


    "Wait. I''m your only boss, but you have male subordinates. A lot of them. Do you?" I said, trailing off.


    "No," she said.


    "Why not?" I asked.


    "Because they aren''t you." She sighed.


    "I feel the same way," I said. "Why are you allowed to feel that way but not me?"


    "Because you''re a man. Don''t men want to spread their seed?" she said.


    "Maybe other men, but not me," I said.


    "Ok, you dont have to sleep with Nimby if you dont want to, but you better figure out a way to turn her down without destroying her self image and self confidence."


    Margaret stood up and slapped the handbook she was holding into my hands. It was the employee/employer handbook. "Read it. Then come back to me. I''ll stay up until midnight to wait for you, but no later. You and I have work in the morning."


    "Ok. I will," I said, as she walked down the hallway and closed the door to our bedroom behind her.


    I sat there, dumbfounded. This was by far the weirdest and most confusing conversation I''d ever had. I looked down at the handbook in my hands. I figured I might as well get to work, so I locked myself in my study and began reading.

 [Bk2] Ch 2: Read the Handbook

    As I read through the handbook Margaret gave me, I turned on my computer. There were a few filters that I just thought of that might help me determine what was actually going on.


    I went back to the handbook as my computer turned on. That was the more important thing I had to address. I understood that murders were important, but this was my relationship on the line. That trumped murder. No offense intended to anyone who had been murdered.


    I found a lot of really weird stuff in there. There were instructions on how to properly conduct "business." There was a workplace flirtation manual. There was a guidance on the appropriate way to be passive aggressive at work. There were nickname picking tables, depending on how positive or negative you wanted them to sound.


    There was a wealth of really strange customs that I did not even remotely understand. Like I thought I was pretty open-minded, but ordering exotic dancers for workplace birthday celebrations? That was bizarre even for me. It even gave numbers to call, depending on what you were looking for. I had no idea there were so many flavors of exotic dancers. There were dirty cops, dirty nurses, dirty maids, dirty nerds, dirty clowns, and even dirty exotic dancers¡ªwhich was especially confusing¡ªto name just a small portion of the options.


    The amount of weird things were too numerous to list. It was enough to fill a whole handbook if that tells you anything. Some more notable ones were the correct way to dispose of a body, proper backstabbing etiquette, a list of appropriate and inappropriate workplace pranks, and there was a guide to being late to work and how to get away with it. One of my favorites, though, was titled "Magic Rituals in the Workplace and Beyond."


    I read through that section thoroughly. It detailed a vast number of different types of mostly mundane magic rituals, like how to erase all record of you scanning your butt on the copier, or the way to rid the fridge of food smells that just wouldn''t go away, or how to get the intern you liked to pay attention to you.


    One ritual in particular caught my eye, though. It detailed how to conduct demon deals with mortals. Apparently, there were rituals associated with demon deals that either boosted the power of a deal, reduced the physical and mental exhaustion afterwards, or even nullified the deal and retrieved the magical energy used to make it.


    The detail that made a lightbulb go off in my head was that, if the person you were nullifying the deal of didn''t consent to the nullification or if you didn''t have the body¡ªliving or otherwise¡ªof the demon that conducted the deal originally, the human and the demon would die. It did stipulate if the dealer was Lucifer himself, he wouldn''t die, it would just hurt a lot.


    That perfectly matched what we knew about the murders of the famous people. They all had deals with demons or Lucifer that was obviously the source of their fame. And whoever was murdering these people clearly didn''t have access to the original dealers and probably didn''t have the deal receivers'' consent.


    They were stealing the magic from the demon deals and killing the victim in the process. What they were stealing the magic for, I didn''t know, but it probably wasn''t good.


    I went into the database of demon deals in my computer and cross-referenced the most recent murder with the closest nearby person who had made a demon deal. Uh oh. I knew the person. It was Sarah. I didn''t realize she had made a deal with Harvey on top of the brainwashing. The record just said it was a deal for revenge. It didn''t give specifics.


    I needed to leave if I wanted to save Sarah before the murderer got to her, but I needed to talk to Margaret and apologize. I couldn''t leave things as they were.


    There was a loud knock on my door. "Dave?" Margaret said. "We need to talk."


    I walked over to the door, unlocked it, and opened it. "I know. I''m sorry, Margaret. I should have read the handbook sooner. I didn''t realize there were so many cultural differences in the workplace. I promise I''ll read the other handbooks after I get back."


    "That''s not what I wanted to talk about, but I appreciate the apology. Wait, where are you going?" she said.


    "Sarah''s in trouble. A murderer is after her and if I don''t leave soon, she could die," I said.


    "Who''s Sarah?" Margaret said, putting her hands on her hips.


    "Wait, I''m confused. I thought you said you were ok with non-monogamy. What''s the attitude for? Is this part of that sassy thing you''re trying on, because now really isn''t the time. Someone''s life is at stake," I said.


    "In the workplace, Dave. And only physical intimacy. Emotional cheating is heavily frowned upon down here. Even more so than on Earth, from what I understand," she said, still giving me a nasty look.


    "Ok, look. She''s my ex-girlfriend, but we are over. We''ve been over since before you and I met. But she''s still my friend, and I can''t abandon a friend to die," I said.


    "That''s understandable, but this conversation really can''t wait," she said, handing me a small plastic device. I looked at it and realized what it was. It was a pregnancy test, and the little result window was showing a plus sign. I was pretty certain a plus sign meant pregnant.


    "Oh, my gosh. That''s great, right?" I said, unsure of what her opinion was. We hadn''t been trying to get pregnant. We weren''t even legally lifelong partners yet. We''d actively been trying not to get pregnant.A case of content theft: this narrative is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.


    "Maybe it is. I don''t know. It''s not my job to decide. It''s yours," she said.


    "What do you mean?" I asked.


    Margaret put her hand up to her face and sighed. "You didn''t read the relationship handbook either, did you?"


    "Not yet, but I will," I said.


    "It''s too late for that. Hell''s relationship handbook dictates that it''s the man''s job to decide whether to keep the pregnancy or not," she said.


    "Can I think about it and get back to you later?" I asked. I really didn''t have the time or the energy to think about something so important and life changing right now. I had to save Sarah.


    "No. The decision has to be made by the end of tonight, or the decision will be made for us," she said.


    "What? Why?" I asked, confused.


    "You really should''ve read the relationship handbook that I gave you and told you to read! Ten times! Ten times, Dave! Why don''t you listen to me?" She burst into tears. "Oh shit. The hormones are already kicking in."


    "That fast? How?" I asked, even more confused.


    "The handbook, Dave! Ten times!" She said, crying harder.


    "Margaret! Tell me what the handbook says! We don''t have time for this," I said, insensitively. I didn''t have time to figure out this mystery. Sarah could be murdered any minute now.


    My phone vibrated. I looked at it. It was a message from Sarah. It read, "I think someone''s trying to break into the house! I can''t leave. My Mom is here. Come quick!"


    Oh crap. I was out of time.


    "The handbook Dave! Look up demon-human pregnancy," she could barely form words she was crying so hard. Holy crap. Those hormones were doing a number on her. What the hell.


    "Ok, ok!" I said. I really didn''t have time for this, but something in my gut told me that this was important. More important than the immediate threat to Sarah''s life somehow. I don''t know how I knew. I just knew.


    I ran back into my study and opened the big bottom drawer that I put all the handbooks in. There were a ton of them. There had to be over fifty of them. I started picking them up, checking the covers, and throwing them to the ground.


    "Shit, shit, shit!" I said. I started reading the titles out loud. "Toilets and You - a handbook, Demonic Rituals and You - a handbook, Human-Demon Relationships and You - a cautionary tale." What the hell? A cautionary tale? That wasn''t concerning or ominous at all.


    This was what I needed though, so I opened it to the table of contents. "Blah blah blah, pregnancy. I got it!" I flipped it to the page indicated and started reading, "Human-demon pregnancies, a warning. Always know your decision beforehand, because you won''t have any time to figure it out once the pregnancy begins."


    "The male partner must make the decision whether to keep the child according to demon law? The average human-demon pregnancy lasts two days? The time until aborting is no longer possible, is six hours? The fatality rate of human-demon pregnancies is 80%? Delivery at a demon hospital increases chances of survival by 50%? The patient must reach a demon hospital at least 24 hours before the scheduled birth? Holy hell? I can''t do this! I can''t make this choice!"


    She wasn''t kidding about having no time. I didn''t even know how long she had been pregnant for. For all I knew I had minutes to decide what to do. There had to be something in here about when the hormones and crying kicked in. Maybe that would tell me how long I had to decide.


    "Blah blah blah, the crying begins roughly an hour before the pregnancy is permanent. You should head to a demon abortion clinic immediately if you plan to do anything about it," I read. Shit! Think! What to do?


    Even if I decided abortion was the way to go, I didn''t have time to take Margaret to a clinic and save Sarah. I would either have to choose one or the other. Or I could try to save Sarah really quick and then immediately take Margaret to a clinic.


    That seemed like my only option. I couldn''t leave Sarah to die. I just couldn''t. My phone vibrated again. It was another text message. This one read "My mom and I are in the closet. He''s in the room and walking towards the door. Come now or don''t come at all. I''d rather you not see my dead body."


    Ok, that seemed a little dramatic, but I understood the panic. Shit! "Margaret! I have to save Sarah! She''s literally seconds away from dying!" I yelled.


    Margaret was curled into a fetal position on the floor. She looked at me with a face full of pain, fear, and righteous fury. "Don''t you dare leave me like this, you bastard! I swear¡ª"


    "I''ll be back, baby! I promise!"


    "Beauregard David Daverson! You decide to abort this baby and you take me to a hospital right now, or I will never forgive you!"


    "But¡ª" I started to say.


    "No buts mister!" she said.


    "Sarah will die!" I said.


    "I''ll die if you don''t take me to a hospital. Who are you going to save? Your ex-girlfriend or your current girlfriend?" She said in agony.


    "Why can''t I save both?" I said. This was probably an immature question, but I still hadn''t learned that choices and sacrifices had to be made. I still thought I could save everyone. Especially now that I was immortal and "invincible."


    "You just can''t, Dave," she said, crying. "That''s life. Accept it and save me. Please."


    I paused for a moment and a single tear ran down my cheek that I wiped away. Sarah would never forgive me for this. Would I forgive myself for this if I was Sarah?


    "Yes, my love," I said. I walked over to Margaret and scooped her off the floor. I imagined we were at the nearest demon hospital, and we were.


    Margaret''s stomach was growing before my eyes. We didn''t have much time if we still had any at all. I walked into the hospital and went up to the front desk.


    "What seems to be the problem?" the woman at the front desk asked.


    "She''s pregnant," I said, looking at Margaret.


    "Congratulations! That''s lovely, but what''s the medical issue? Judging by her size, she can''t be more than 3 months pregnant. It''s way too early for her to be in labor," she said.


    "We found out she was pregnant an hour ago," I said.


    "What? How is that possible?" The nurse was deeply confused.


    "Look at me and then look at her and that''ll answer your question," I said.


    "What do you mean?" she said, still confused.


    I realized the problem. She was assuming I was a demon in human form. Not a human in human form. "I''m not a demon. I''m human."


    "What? How are you down here, then?" she asked.


    "Don''t you recognize me? It''s me, the Devil," I said.


    "Oh! Oh! Oh no! She needs to be taken to the emergency room immediately!" she said.


    "I know!" I said.


    The nurse pressed a button on the phone, and shortly after, someone wheeled a stretcher into the lobby. I placed her on it. The man pushing the stretcher said, "What''s the emergency?"


    "Human-demon pregnancy. I''m the new human Devil. She''s been pregnant for over five hours," I said.


    "Well, now, that is an emergency. Follow me," he said. We walked down a hallway and turned into an emergency room.


    The doctor there said, "What seems to be the problem?"


    "Human-demon pregnancy. Me human. Me new Devil. Five hours," I said.


    "Oh, shit!" The doctor said. "Get her prepped for emergency intervention, now!"


    Margaret was placed on the table, and I was ushered out of the room. There were a few chairs just outside the room that I was asked to sit in. I stared at the door, feeling more powerless than I ever had, before and after becoming the Devil.

 [Bk2] Ch 3: Demon Everything

    I sat out in the hallway for ten minutes waiting for any kind of news, good or bad. The doctor came out and looked at me with a disappointed look on his face, but it wasn''t a sad or regretful face. So at least that was good news.


    "I''m going to need you in here. There''s something we need to discuss," he said. He put his hands up. "Don''t worry, she''s fine. There''s been a complication that you should be informed of."


    "Ok," I said, following the doctor into the ER. What sort of complication could happen that didn''t result in Margaret''s death? I was confused and what I saw when I walked inside made me even more confused.


    There were several large medical instruments made from surgical steel that had been burnt, melted, and twisted beyond repair and recognition. "We have been unable to remove the fetus due to extraordinary circumstances. Human-demon pregnancies don''t happen often, but when they do, we have certain procedures to take care of the fetus."


    "First, we remove the fetus from the mother. Then we deposit it into an external gestation chamber filled with synthetic amniotic fluid to complete its development."


    "What? You have that kind of technology?" I asked. That was astounding. Humans had been working on developing that technology for years and here, demons used it in their standard practice.


    "Oh yes. We''ve had it for some time now," he said.


    "Why don''t humans have it on Earth?" I asked, curious.


    "Two things. Actually, three things. First, hi its nice to meet you. My name is Dr Acula," he said.


    "Dr Acula? Oook. My name is Dave, but I assume you already know that. Most people seem to know who I am, except when it''s convenient for them not to," I said.


    "I''m just kidding. My name is Peter. You can call me Dr Peter. And yes, I do know who you are, Dave," he said. "We''ve been watching you for some time now."


    "You have? Who''s ''we''?" I asked. This was a little sinister and creepy, but I assumed it wasn''t intentional.


    "The whole hospital has. It''s actually quite entertaining," he said.


    "What? How?" I asked. Entertaining? What did that mean?


    "On the news, of course," he said, gesturing to the TV displayed on the wall of the emergency room. A female demon in a windbreaker was reporting outside of a hospital.


    "Hi, Jerry, I''m outside the Red Valley Hospital, where recently, Dave, was spotted entering the facility with what appeared to be a pregnant Margaret. I wonder what''s going on inside. We''ll see if we can get Dave to talk to us when they exit the hospital. Back to you in the studio. This is Sabrina Copperfield, HBS 2 News."


    They cut back to the studio, and I stopped paying attention. There were far more important matters for me to be paying attention to, like my pregnant girlfriend. "Huh. I never noticed a news crew following me around," I said. "What were the other things you wanted to talk about?"


    "I was answering your question about why we don''t share our technology with Earth. First, why would we? Humans have never done anything for us. Second, how would we? Humans run away screaming as soon as they see us," Dr Peter said.


    "Those both make sense," I said. "Now that''s settled, why can''t you put the fetus in the chamber? Also, I was a little worried you were going to, you know." I dragged my finger across my throat.


    "No, we don''t do that anymore. We find it slightly more humane to allow them to develop fully and then release them into the wild if they are unwanted," Peter said with a completely straight face.


    "Release them into the wild? What does that mean? Like you just abandon infants to die in the deserts of Hell?" I asked, perplexed. That seemed even less humane than just not allowing them to develop. I felt releasing them would lead to a lot more suffering.


    "No, they don''t die," he said. "They survive. Demons are very resilient and resourceful."


    "Oh. Huh. Weird. Just more culture shock for me to work through I guess," I said.


    "Dave, just let the man do his job," Margaret said.


    "Right. Well, let''s get to the real issue. Why can''t you remove it?" I said.


    "Do you see these tools? We physically can''t remove it. Every time we try, the little devil chomps on, burns, or pushes out our instruments," he said.


    "How is that possible?" I asked.


    "I don''t know. You don''t happen to have any powers or abilities inherent to your position, do you? Like, say, super strength perhaps?" he said.


    "Actually, I do have super strength, yeah. You''re not saying that got passed on to the fetus, are you?" I said, incredulous. This was insane. How could a fetus mess up surgical instruments like that?


    "That is exactly what I''m saying," he said.


    "What now?" I asked.


    "Now, we just give her the best medical care we can provide until she gives birth and hope she survives," he said.


    "Ok," I said.


    "I''ve done my duty as a doctor by informing you of the situation. Now, you two answer my questions," he said.


    "Ok, I guess," I said.


    "Yes, doctor," Margaret said.


    "How could you let this happen? Didn''t you read the handbook?" Dr Peter asked.


    "I did!" Margaret protested.


    "I didn''t," I admitted.


    "Why didn''t you use protection then?" he asked Margaret.


    "We did," I said.


    "Yeah, we did. I made sure. Every time," she said.


    "What brand did you use? Something you got at a gas station?" the doctor asked.


    "No, I went to a pharmacy," I said.The genuine version of this novel can be found on another site. Support the author by reading it there.


    "Ok, what brand?" he asked again.


    "Commando, why?" I asked.


    The doctor put his hand up to his face. "Oh no," he said. "That''s your problem. You used human condoms."


    "There are demon condoms?" I asked.


    "There''s demon everything!" he said, exasperated.


    "What''s the difference?" I asked.


    "Yeah, what''s the difference? I don''t get it," Margaret said.


    "Demon condoms are heat resistant," he said.


    "Why?" I asked.


    "During peak arousal, demon bodies generate enough heat to create micro tears in human condoms. You might as well have not used condoms at all," he said.


    "Oh, yikes," I said.


    "The handbook didn''t say anything about that! It just said ''use appropriate contraception''. How was I supposed to know what that meant?" she said.


    "The reason it says that is most demons would just go down to their local pharmacy or grocery store to get contraceptives. Not go all the way to Earth to get them," he said. "Demons can''t just teleport to Earth like he can." He pointed at me.


    "Oh, so it''s my fault now, is it?" I said.


    "We don''t need to point fingers. Right now we need solutions," he said. He pointed at Margaret. "For you to have the best chance of surviving this pregnancy, the cafeteria will be delivering a full course meal to you every thirty minutes. It will be your job to eat as much food and drink as many fluids as you can. If you don''t, the fetus will starve you to death, and then it will die too when it runs out of nutrients."


    Dr Peter turned to me. "It''s your job to stay by her side as much as she needs you to. If she dismisses you, you can go, but only if she allows it. This will be the most difficult pregnancy in the history of pregnancies. She will need your emotional support."


    "Ok," I said.


    "I''m ready," Margaret said.


    "Some nurses will move you to a hospital room. While sticking things inside you has been fun, there are other people desperately in need of emergency care. I''ve been getting injuries from the Circles all day. That''s not even mentioning the bodies. So many people have dropped dead with no explanation or apparent cause," he said.


    "Before you transfer her, can we have a moment alone?" I asked.


    I could tell him why so many demons have been dying, but I don''t know what good it would do him and it would just lead to more questions I didn''t have time to answer. It had already been long enough.


    If I left now, I might be lucky enough to save Sarah, but I''d have to go soon. I didn''t know how long it took to steal the magic energy from demon deals, and not knowing meant I needed to leave sooner rather than later.


    "I already know what you''re going to say, and the answer is no," she said.


    "Margaret. I need to save her. We grew up together. She''s my oldest friend. I love you. You are my heart and soul, but if I don''t save her, her immortal soul will never forgive me, and I will have to face those repercussions," I said.


    "You will be fine. I know it. All you have to do is eat, drink, piss, and shit for the next twenty-four hours or so."


    "What if you die? You said a dangerous killer is after her. If you die, you''ll be gone for two-thirds of a day. I need your emotional support, and you can''t miss the birth of our child. I swear I''ll never forgive if you do that," she said.


    "I won''t die. And even if I do, the longest my resurrection can take is twenty hours. I''ll be back for the birth of our child. I promise," I said, kissing her hand.


    "Don''t kiss my hand. If you think you can sweet talk me into getting your way, you are sorely mistaken," she said. "I''m serious this time. How many times have I let you leave when I needed you?"


    "A few," I said, looking away and scratching my head.


    "Try over a dozen," Margaret said. "And those were only because you had to save the world."


    "That''s the thing. This might be another one of those times. I don''t have enough information to be sure, but my gut says this is another apocalypse rearing its head," I said.


    "David," Margaret said.


    "Yes, Margaret?" I asked.


    "If you miss the birth of your child, not only are we breaking up, but you will never see them. Ever," she said.


    "I knew you''d understand," I said, kissing her on the forehead.


    "David. I mean it. It will hurt me as much as it hurts you for me to leave. Don''t make me do it," she said.


    "I promise, babe. When have I ever broken a promise?" I said.


    She opened her mouth and breathed in deep.


    "Don''t answer that! Do not answer that!" I said. "I will be back though. I will tear through the fabric of reality to get back to you if I have to."


    "Ok," Margaret said. She stared at me for a few seconds. "Go! Save your friend!"


    "Thank you," I said. "I love you," I said.


    "I know," she said, smiling.


    I teleported away to Sarah''s house. I knew I wasn''t the most reliable partner. I wasn''t blind to it, but I had a lot of responsibility. I was not only in charge of keeping Hell running but also preventing any and all apocalypses that came Earth''s way, no matter how big or small.


    Luckily, nothing incredibly major or difficult to handle had come my way in the last three years. One notable incident, in terms of how strange it was, is I had to reduce the unicorn population. They were multiplying too fast and becoming an issue for a lot of European countries. They had even become a problem in the United States and Canada.


    Not to go too far into the weeds with it, but they were an invasive species that, while beautiful and magical, wreaked havoc on the surrounding wildlife. They felt threatened easily and used their powerful horn on everything. Beavers, badgers, even squirrels. One of them, I had to trap, so I could remove all the dead rotting squirrels off its horn. The rot was getting into its eyes and slowly blinding it.


    Instead of straight up killing any of the creatures, I simply relocated a large amount of them to Hell. I figured Hell''s treacherous ecosystem and deadly wildlife would take care of the problem naturally. And it did, to a point.


    All the normal unicorns died off, but in their place, spawned a new species I called dire unicorns. They''re two times the size of a normal unicorn, with red skin and fur. Extremely dangerous. If you see one, even if it''s a mile away, run.


    If they spot you, they will catch up to you. They will poke you in the butt with their horn. While that sounds fun and nice, it''s not. It will hurt. A lot. And you will die.


    I popped into Sarah''s mother''s living room. Sarah was hog-tied in the center of the living room, naked. There was a glowing red magic circle around her, decorated with demonic symbols and candles. There was a man dressed like a certain professor slash adventurer who recovered dangerous artifacts and stuck them in museums, but without the hat.


    He had what appeared to be a brand on his neck. It comprised thick wavy interlocking lines and loops that ended at sharp points. It wasn''t demonic. I couldn''t read demonic yet, but I knew what it looked like and this wasn''t it. Could''ve been heavenly or Celtic. I wasn''t sure.


    The candles were probably just lighting he was using to see what he was doing, because they weren''t placed in any sort of pattern. They were just haphazardly strewn about. He must not have brought his own candles, because I recognized a scented candle I bought as a present for Sarah many years ago in high school.


    We weren''t dating yet. We were just friends, but we would get each other birthday and Christmas presents. I think my mom made me do it when I was in elementary school and then I just started doing it out of habit and she reciprocated. I couldn''t believe she hadn''t used it yet or thrown it out. Why was she still holding onto it?


    Regardless, this strange man was performing the ritual to remove a demon deal and steal its magical energy, which would kill Sarah and another demon, Harvey. Not that I had much care for him, but not even he deserved to die. Although, he didn''t have a fate much better than death, with him being submerged in the Earth''s core for the next 9,997 years.


    "Hey, you, asshole! Stop what you''re doing and pick on someone your own size! She''s done nothing to you. Also, was the stripping necessary? Nowhere in the handbook does it say the target has to be naked for the ritual to work. I feel like you just did that because you wanted to," I said. I pulled out sword Steve. He made a ''woom'' sound as he moved through the air.


    "That''s not my name!" he roared.


    I gave him a confused look. "I didn''t think it was. I''m using it as a descriptor, you weirdo!"


    "Whatever! Back down! I''m warning you. If we fight, you will regret it," he said.


    "Why? Are you some sort of secret badass I''m not aware of?" I asked.


    "Because of this and this," he said, pulling out a necklace with a medallion on it similar to the ones Harvey made. It had the symbol of a buff arm on it. I could only assume that meant it made him stronger. And then he pointed at the brand on his neck.


    "Ok. I get what the medallion does, but what does the brand do? You point at it like I''m supposed to know what that is," I said.


    "You don''t?" he asked, looking disappointed.


    "Sorry, dude. You''re not as famous as you think you are. Get over it. We all have to come to that realization sooner or later," I said.


    "Ok. Then I''ll just show you what it does," he said, taking a fighting stance.


    I didn''t know what he thought he was going to do without a weapon against a guy with a sword made of white light. That should have clued me in to how screwed I was, but at the time, I just thought he was crazy.


    "Hey, Steve? Are you ready to kick some ass?" I asked the sword.


    "I sure am!" he said.


    The man yelled, and I yelled, and the sword yelled as we ran at each other, preparing to fight.

 [Bk2] Ch 4: The Mark

    After the man and I had dramatically rushed at each other, I swung at his neck and he punched at my stomach. When sword Steve hit his neck, nothing happened. I mean, there was a slight indent in the skin where the sword was pressing against his neck, but no damage occurred.


    Then there was me. I coughed up warm liquid into my mouth. It tasted coppery. It was blood. I looked down to see his fist had punched through my stomach.


    I felt something extremely painful. It felt like my spine was being crushed. It took me a few seconds to realize that was exactly what was happening. He had grabbed hold of my spine through my stomach and was crushing it in his fist. When he finished crushing it, my legs went out. I was paralyzed from the waist down.


    I pulled my head up and started crawling along the ground towards Sarah. I knew I was going to die, but that didn''t matter to me anymore. He stomped on my leg, breaking it, and then kept his foot on it. I couldn''t feel the break. I just heard it. It didn''t sound very good, but that was the least of my worries right now.


    Sarah was screaming through the gag he had put on her mouth. I couldn''t move any closer to Sarah with his dumb foot on my leg. She finally loosened the gag on her mouth enough to talk around it.


    "Ele''or!" she yelled at me. "Ele''or, Ay!"


    She kept screaming the same thing over and over "Ele''or" and "Ay," whatever each of those words were supposed to mean. Then the dude standing on me started a monologue.


    "God has kept me on this Earth long enough! It''s finally my time! Who are you to stand in my way?" he said.


    I didn''t answer him. I was focusing on figuring out what "Ele''or" and "Ay" meant. They seemed important. They were important enough for Sarah to struggle to remove her gag and then continuously scream her lungs out at me with just those two words.


    While in severe pain that I was slowly dying from thanks to my apparent super toughness that wasn''t actually invincibility, I tried to think. What letters do gags prevent you from saying? I quickly ran through the alphabet sounding out the letters. "Ah," "Buh," "Cuh," "Duh¡ª"


    "Are you having a stroke?" the man asked. I don''t like to see jokes get reused in media. It really bothers me. But I''m just reporting the facts. That''s what he said!


    "No! I''m trying to think," I said.


    "Well, think quietly! I''m trying to use you as a sounding board for my feelings about God," he said. "So God," blah blah blah. I stopped listening again. He was like Lucifer before therapy, except worse. At least Lucifer kept it to a couple paragraphs at most. This guy had written a speech.


    Ok, back to thinking. I realized most of the vowels could still be used, except ''U'' when you tried to use the ''you'' sound. But you couldn''t use most consonants. So the missing letters had to be consonants. That didn''t help me much. The alphabet was mostly consonants.


    After going down the list again, when I hit ''D'' I realized that "Ay" was "Dave." Ok. If "Ay" was "Dave," then she must be telling me to do something. The "Ele''or" was a verb, an action. What was she telling me to do that she thought I could do in this moment?


    I went down the list again until I hit "T." I was just replacing all the consonant sounds with a single letter. So "Beleborb," "Deledord," and several others came out before I hit "Teletort." And then it finally clicked. How could I be so dumb? How could it have taken this many paragraphs of thought for me to figure out what she was saying? She was telling me to "teleport."


    I had forgot that I could not only teleport long distances, but I could teleport short distances too. I didn''t need my legs!


    So that''s what I did. I teleported behind Sarah and cut the ropes, keeping her from moving. She got up and said, "Thanks, Dave." The ropes fell off her body, revealing her fully nude form.


    "You''re welcome, but what are you going to do now? You''re naked," I said.


    "Run out the door, of course!" she said.


    "Naked?" I asked.


    "A girl''s gotta do what a girl''s gotta do to survive sometimes, Dave. You should try it sometime," she said.


    "I''ll get right on that," I said, bleeding onto the floor slightly from the massive hole in my stomach.


    "No matter! You still can''t escape the circle! It allows people in, but not out! You''re both trapped!" the man yelled.


    I looked down. I was lying on part of the glowing red circle. "This circle?" I asked, as I wiped my hand through the concentric lines and demonic symbols.


    "No!" he yelled.


    The circle went dark. It stopped glowing. I looked at Sarah, who was still standing there. "Run!" I yelled. "I''ll stall him!"


    I teleported over the man''s head and swung my sword at his face. It bounced off his thick skull, but it messed with his vision. The light blinded him. That gave me an idea. I teleported over him, but behind him this time. I held the sword against his face while using my limp body as leverage.


    He twisted around blindly, trying to grab me. "Ah! Get off!" he yelled.Unauthorized use of content: if you find this story on Amazon, report the violation.


    "No!" I said. "Steve, can we get some extra light please?"


    "Yes, sir!" the sword said, brightening by over three times.


    "I can''t see! Stop!" the man said.


    "That''s the point!" I said.


    "Argh!"


    I couldn''t see either, but I heard the front door unlock, open, and then slam shut. And then I remembered once more what an idiot I was. I could have just teleported Sarah away with me this whole time. Well, at least after I destroyed the circle.


    I teleported outside the house and yelled, "Sarah! Grab me! We''ll teleport away!" As I heard the door open again.


    "No!" the man yelled.


    I felt someone grab my arm, and I instantly teleported both of us back to the hospital, right into the emergency room. They were just starting to move Margaret''s bed out of the room when a severely wounded me, and a buck naked Sarah appeared in the air and plopped on the ground.


    I blinked my eyes. I could see again. I looked up and saw Margaret with a furious look on her face, staring daggers at me. "What?" I asked.


    "Why is Sarah naked? What were you doing?" she fumed.


    "Nothing, I swear! The weird killer guy stripped her for some reason! Don''t ask me why!" I said, and then things started to go dark. I had lost too much blood. I was about to pass out.


    It was only my super toughness keeping me from passing out as soon as he punched through my stomach and broke my spine, but the blood loss was beginning to become too much for even my super toughness to handle.


    "He''s wounded! Get him on a table!" a nurse yelled.


    Then, once again, it was lights out.


    I woke up the ICU hooked up to a big machine. A bunch of tubes were going into my stomach and circulating material through the machine and then through other tubes into my body. I think the machine was acting like my digestive system. I had never seen such technology on Earth, but if they had external gestation chambers, why wouldn''t they have whatever this was?


    A nurse walked through the sliding door and came up to me. She checked my vitals and said, "Your replacement organs and the crushed portion of your spinal column will be ready in a couple hours."


    "I hate saying ''what'' like an idiot, but what? Replacement organs? How can you make them that fast? Are they organic or machines?" I asked.


    "It''s fine. You''re still new to our medical system. We haven''t seen you in here before, so I''m assuming you''ve been using Lucifer''s primordial ooze pit to revive?" she said.


    "Yeah. Couldn''t I just use that?" I said.


    "You showed up here alive. It was our duty to save you. And we did. We''re not allowed to kill people, but in order to use the primordial pit, you''d have to die. Also, it takes too long to regenerate your entire body. We can regenerate parts and replace them much faster. And you seemed to be fighting someone. Wouldn''t you rather recover faster so you can get out there and fight them again sooner?" she said.


    "Ok. Can I see my girlfriend?" I said.


    She sighed. "We can''t move you from this machine and she''s not really supposed to leave her medical room. She''s supposed to be eating and drinking or in the bathroom constantly for the next 24 hours or so. She doesn''t really have time to come visit you. Besides, she''s still upset with you for leaving and almost getting killed."


    "Did she say that?" I asked.


    "No, but she didn''t have to. We women can sense these things," she said.


    "Right. Ok, so I just hang out here for a couple more hours and then go into surgery?" I said.


    "Basically. There''s just one little hiccup we have to discuss. We know how to synthesize demon parts, but not human parts. Not yet, at least. We never had to treat a living human before," she said.


    "What, so I''ll be part demon?" I asked.


    "Only temporarily, until we can find a way to synthesize human parts. Speaking of, we are going to need harvest some of your blood when you''re feeling up to it," she said.


    "Can I talk to my girlfriend first? I don''t know how she''d feel about this? Maybe just a phone call?" I asked.


    "A phone call should be fine," she said. She went to leave. "I''ll let you make your phone call. You have two hours to make your decision. If the organs finish before you''re ready, they''ll go to someone else," she said.


    "Why? I don''t like to do this, but don''t I have priority because of who I am? I mean, the fate of the world could be on the line," I said.


    "You could order us to hold on to them for you, but that is not our way, and that is not the old Devil''s way. You may face public backlash for it," she warned.


    "What is the demon way, then?" I asked.


    "Socialist medicine. From each according to their health, to each according to their wounds," she said.


    "Huh. Ok, I''ll make my decision within the two hour time limit," I said.


    "Very well," she said and left the room.


    I felt the sensation of my ears popping as Lucifer teleported right next to my bed. I rubbed my ears. "Ow! Do you have to do that so close?" I said.


    "Sorry. I''m still trying to figure out how to teleport to you without practically teleporting inside you," he said.


    "Please don''t do that. I''d rather not have you inside me, thank you," I said.


    "Of course. It shall not come to pass," he said, grinning. "Now, I heard you were injured and this giant machine confirms it. What happened? Why didn''t your invincibility work?"


    "Because it''s not invincibility. It''s super toughness," I said, wincing from the machine.


    "What''s the difference?" he asked.


    "One makes you immune to harm, and the other makes you resistant to harm. Really powerful things can still get through the second one," I said, adjusting myself in my bed so I could look at him better. "Can you move slightly farther away towards the foot of my bed? It''ll be easier on my neck."


    "Yeah, sure," he said, moving down to the foot of my bed. "Better?"


    "Much," I said.


    "Ok, so if something or someone got through your super toughness, and did this to you, they must be super strong. Like stronger than Steve strong," Lucifer said.


    "He was," I said.


    "Do you know who he is?" he asked.


    "No, but he had an identify mark," I said.


    "Like what? And where?" Lucifer said, narrowing his eyes. He was thinking about something, but he wasn''t saying what.


    "On his neck. It looked like a brand of some sort. A lot of wavy and looping lines," I said.


    "Did it look like this?" Lucifer said, holding and looping his fingers together in a sort of gang sign. He had too many fingers all of a sudden and they were longer, too. But it did look like the same symbol.


    "Yeah, that''s it. Can you change your hands back to normal? That visual is hurting my eyes and my brain," I said, rubbing my eyes.


    "Sure," he said, as his hands changed back. "So the good news is I know who it is. The bad news is I know who it is."


    "Ok, give me the good news first," I said, messing with him.


    "They''re both the same news, you moron!" he said.


    "I know. I''m just being an asshole. My spine was crushed in that guy''s hand," I said. "I''m allowed."


    "Fine. Be that way," he said. "His name is Cain."


    "Like Cain and Abel, Cain?" I asked. I''d heard of him, but I didn''t know his whole story. I knew he murdered his brother Abel, but that''s it. I didn''t know anything about him being immortal or super tough. "How is he still alive?"


    "The Mark of Cain. He was the first human to murder another human. So my father put a mark on him that turned him into a true immortal, cursed to walk the Earth for eternity. He doesn''t age, and he can''t be hurt or poisoned or get sick. He is truly invincible," Lucifer said.


    "Oh shit," I said. How was I going to stop this guy if he couldn''t be hurt at all? And he had a super strength medallion? Drown him in concrete?

 [Bk2] Ch 5: Apology and Preparation

    "How am I going to stop Cain from killing people and stealing the magic from their demon deals if he''s unkillable and super strong?" I asked Lucifer.


    "He''s doing what? And he''s super strong? Explain," Lucifer said.


    "Yeah, so the Steves and I detected some unusual murders occurring on Earth. Famous people were dying in droves and they had no connection to each other aside from being famous. So we figured out all the victims had demon deals," I said.


    "Then when I was reading a handbook, I realized you can steal the magic from a demon deal, but it results in the death of the human and the demon involved. And a ton of demons have been dying in the Circles of Hell lately with no apparent cause."


    "It all lines up to say he''s stealing the magic and keeping it for something big. I don''t know what it is, but it can''t be good and it might be apocalyptic, so I have to stop him. And he has a super strength medallion. What do I do?"


    "I don''t know what you can do, but one idea would be to get that medallion away from him. Once you do that, he''s a normal strength invincible dude. Then you can just throw him in the ocean or something," Lucifer said.


    "That''s easy to say, but the first time I fought him, he punched a hole in my stomach and crushed my spine. I don''t know if I can get the medallion away from him. I wish I knew what he was trying to do. That might give me another avenue to pursue," I said, rubbing my chin.


    "I can tell you that. That part''s easy to figure out," Lucifer said.


    "Yeah? Do tell," I said, leaning forward and regretting it. It hurt to try to use my abdominal muscles or what was left of them.


    "He hates my father for the curse he put on him. He''s trying to get rid of the curse," Lucifer said.


    "The curse?" I asked.


    "The curse of true immortality. The Mark of Cain, as it''s called," Lucifer said.


    "Oh. So he wants to die?" I said.


    "Yeah. He''s wanted that for millennia," Lucifer said.


    "Ok. What happens if he removes the mark?" I said.


    "I don''t know. You''d have to ask my father that," he said.


    "Right. I''m in no shape to travel to Heaven right now," I said, coughing.


    "I can see that," Lucifer said. "What are they going to do for you?"


    "They''re making replacement parts right now, but they''re demon parts. They said they need time to figure out how to synthesize human parts for me," I said.


    "Interesting. I wonder what that will do," he said.


    "What do you mean?" I asked.


    "Well, demons aren''t humans, so you might have some side effects. I just don''t know what they could be," he said.


    "Great," I said.


    "Hey, maybe you''ll grow a second one," he said, excitedly.


    "Do demons have two?" I said, worried.


    "No," he said plainly.


    "Then why would I grow a second one?" I said, raising an eyebrow.


    He shrugged. "I don''t know. It was just a thought. Don''t bite my head off."


    "Ok. Hey, I''ve been meaning to ask you what happened to that woman you stole from Heaven?"


    "Linda? She''s in Heaven now. My father made her a perfect place by a lake. She''s at peace now," he said.


    "Did she forgive you for what you did?" I asked.


    "I didn''t ask her forgiveness yet," Lucifer said, looking away.


    "Why not?" I asked.


    "I don''t think I could handle the rejection if she says no," he said.


    "You can ask your father for forgiveness, but not a human woman?" I asked.


    "Exactly! I knew my father would forgive me. He is the embodiment of love and forgiveness itself. A human woman, even one who made it to heaven, can still choose to hold on to a grudge. I just can''t deal with that right now," he said.


    "Why? What''s happening now?" I asked.


    "I don''t know. Some guy keeps trying to summon me, and he won''t leave me alone. It takes my full concentration to deny a summon with as much sophistication as the ones he''s making," Lucifer said.Unauthorized tale usage: if you spot this story on Amazon, report the violation.


    "Why don''t you just go and talk to him? Do you even know who he is?" I asked.


    "No! That''s why I don''t want to go! What if he tries to trap me or something?" Lucifer said.


    "I guess that''s a valid concern," I said. "I understand. Take your time asking Linda for forgiveness, but please do it eventually. Can I ask that of you?"


    "Yeah, ok. I''ll do it eventually. Right after this guy stops ''missed calling'' me," Lucifer said.


    "Deal?" I said, putting out my hand.


    "Deal," he said, starting to move his hand towards mine. Then he paused. "Ah, I see what you''re doing. You''re trying to make a binding deal with me, so I have to do it."


    "Is that so wrong?" I smiled innocently.


    "Yes, it''s wrong! I can''t believe I''m having to tell you this to you, of all people, Dave. Manipulating people with or without magic is wrong," he said.


    "If you say so," I said, looking at my fingernails. I really needed to clip them.


    "Don''t you ''if you say so'' me! I invented that!" he yelled.


    "Ok, ok. I''ll try my best not to manipulate you in the future," I said.


    "Deal?" he said, putting out his hand.


    "Wait a minute. You''re trying to do the exact thing you just scolded me for!" I said.


    "And?" he asked.


    "And you''re a hypocrite is what!" I said.


    "I may be a hypocrite, but at least I''m willing to admit it," he said.


    "Are you implying I''m a hypocrite?" I asked.


    "What makes you think that?" he asked.


    "That''s not answering the question," I said.


    "I think we''re at an impasse, so I''m gonna go," Lucifer said, pointing behind him with his thumb.


    "Don''t you dare¡ª" Lucifer teleported out of the room, "leave," I said.


    I heaved a long sigh. Even with a ton of therapy, Lucifer was still Lucifer. That was something I could rely on. If only Margaret could rely on me. I''ve proven to be a fairly unreliable partner over the last three years, and I didn''t like where it left us.


    I wanted to be the man she wanted me to be. I wanted to be responsible and prioritize our relationship, but emergencies always came up. I didn''t know what to do. Would I have to choose my relationship over saving the world sometimes?


    That''s what it looked like I''d have to do. And that wasn''t easy. It''s not like God or Keir was getting on my case about it much. But I always felt the need to solve the world''s problem just in case it became apocalyptic. Maybe I needed to let the world solve its own problems sometimes.


    If I kept trying to save the world every time it stubbed its toe, I would not only lose Margaret but also our future child. And while I never considered myself responsible enough to be a father, now I had no choice. I had to be a father, and I had to be a responsible one.


    I wasn''t going to end up a depressed divorced dad who never gets to see his kid because he squandered all the opportunities he had to show up as a husband and a father. I wouldn''t allow it. I refused.


    Maybe I needed to let this Cain thing go. All he was trying to do is removed a mark that made it so he couldn''t die. That wasn''t apocalyptic. The thing that bothered me the most was he was killing humans and demons.


    I''d text Officer Drew and inform him of the situation and give him a list of the names of people with demon deals in the area. Maybe he could get the people to a safe place to prevent Cain from getting to them.


    On that note, I pulled out my phone and texted Officer Drew. I told him everything I told Lucifer and even had the Steves send him a list of the demon deals in the area to protect them. I made him promise me he wouldn''t punish them for having deals, and if he did, there would be severe consequences.


    After that I called Margaret. She answered on the third ring. "Yes?"


    "Margaret, I''m sorry I let you down all the time," I said.


    "You''re always sorry. What makes this time any different?" she said.


    "I''m sorry, and I don''t want to be sorry anymore. I want to be different. I want to be a proper partner. I called the police and gave them everything they need to stop the killer. I''m taking myself off the case. As soon as I''m better, I''ll be by your side until our child is born," I said.


    "I promise for real this time. I don''t care what happens. I will be there for you. Even if the apocalypse truly does happen, I will stay because you are far more important to me than the world. You are my world. I love you and I want you to feel safe and cared for. Please, give me one more chance. I won''t let you down."


    "Wow. I''ve never heard you be this serious before. Are you sure you''re alright? Did they give you any drugs?" she said.


    "No. And I feel fine. They have me hooked up to this machine that''s acting as my damaged organs. They''re going to replace them in a couple hours," I said.


    "With what?" she asked.


    "Demon organs. Apparently, they can''t synthesize human organs yet, but when they figure it out, they''ll replace the demon parts with human parts and I''ll be back to normal," I said.


    "Huh. What''s the success rate of an operation like this?" she said.


    "I don''t know. They didn''t say. I assume I''ll have to take antirejection meds, though," I said.


    "Make sure you ask them what they think the chances of success are. If they say anything less than 70%, I wouldn''t do it," she said, sounding worried.


    "Babe. I''m hooked up to a massive machine. It''s either demon parts or I have to stay in the ICU until they figure out how to make human parts. And who knows how long that will take? I could miss the birth of our child," I said.


    "If it''ll get you to me faster, I suppose it''s alright," she said.


    "Ok. I''ll let you know how it goes," I said.


    "Good. And yes, I''ll give you another chance. Thank you for finally understanding you need to change," she said. "I don''t know how much more I could handle of you always leaving and not knowing if you''d ever come back."


    "Thank you. I''m sure it was hard," I said.


    "It was. Well, I have to get back to pooping. I have to make room for my next meal," she said.


    "Gross!" I said.


    "Oh, shut up," she said, and hung up the phone.


    I guess that was that then. In under two hours, I''d go in for surgery to get my organs replaced and I''d be able to spend the rest of the pregnancy with Margaret. I was excited.


    We hadn''t been able to spend quality time together in a while. I was always either away working or working from home in my study. I was a busy man, but I realized now that I was simply putting too many things on my plate. It didn''t have to be like that.


    I spent the next two hours looking up demon handbooks on my hell phone and reading bits and pieces of them. Eventually, I''d have to sit down and read them from beginning to end, but I didn''t have the attention span for that right now.


    Before I knew it, two hours was over and the nurse came back in to the ICU. "Have you decided if you''re going through with the surgery?"


    "Yes. I want to go through with it," I said.


    "First, I''ll take a bit of your blood for our human organ synthesis research. It won''t be much. Not enough to negatively affect the surgery. We''ll be taking all the damaged organs we''re replacing for our research as well," she said.


    She took my blood, and then she wheeled my bed down some hallways into the operating room. They put me under anesthesia for the surgery. I closed my eyes and waited for unconsciousness to come, hoping I''d be opening my eyes again very soon.