《Dave vs The Devil - [Supernatural Dark Comedy/Mystery/Thriller]》


 Chapter 1: The Bet

    I''m dead. As a doornail. My body sits on my couch right now with a blank look on its face that says, "Hi! Nice to meet you! My name is Dave and I''m dead as fuck." How did I come to be dead, you ask? Well, I''ll tell you. It all started on a rainy Sunday afternoon. I was sitting on the very same couch that I was currently sitting on, or my body was sitting on. It was Halloween, so a ton of horror movies were on TV. I loved horror movies. I was watching a movie called "The Devil''s Hand." It was about a guy who made a bet with the devil.


    Spoiler alert, he doesn''t win. The movie makes it seem like he won at first, but then reveals it was all a trick by the devil to give him a false sense of victory, before ripping it away from him.


    "Bah! That''s so dumb! I could do that!" I said casually, as one does. I got a call from an unknown number on my phone. Normally I don''t answer, but I got the call after I said a dumb horror movie line, so some part of me wondered if it was the devil calling me out on what I said.


    I picked up the phone. Before the person on the other line could say anything, I said, "Is this the devil?" I''ll let you know I was a little drunk at the time, so I wasn''t exactly operating at full capacity.


    The person on the other end didn''t say anything for a while, until, "You sucked all the fun out of it! I was going to say, ''Oh yeah? Prove it,'' but you already guessed it was me you jackass. Yes, this is the devil! Now, do you want to make that bet or not?"


    "Uh, sure I guess. What should it be about though?" I said thinking.


    "I have a suggestion!" The devil said.


    "Wait, no, you shut up. You''re the devil. If you choose the bet I''ll lose automatically. Give me a second to think," I said.


    "Wow. No one''s ever told me to shut up before. It feels¡­bad," he said.


    "Sorry, I just really don''t want to lose this bet," I said.


    "I get it, but geez. Ouch," he said.


    "Oh, I got it! What about a ''you can''t kill me'' bet?" I said.


    "That sounds fun but too easy. I could snap my fingers right now and kill you. Make it harder," he said.


    I thought and I thought and I thought. How could I make a bet where I outsmart the devil? That was the only way to win. With a trick. I thought for a while longer, and then I had it.


    "Hey, guy. You still there?" The devil said.


    "Ok. What if the bet was you can''t kill me at 7 pm tomorrow night? 7 pm in my time zone. You can''t say it''s 7 pm in China and kill me then. Wouldn''t count," I said.


    "Hmm. Interesting. It sounds like you have some sort of trick up your sleeve. I like it. I guarantee you there''s nothing you can do to beat me, but you''re welcome to try," he said.


    "Ok. Before we start I have some questions and a request," I said.


    "I''m not guaranteeing I''ll answer or grant your request, but if I do, I''ll tell you and I''ll tell you honestly. There''s nothing I hate more than lying. Tricking people with honesty I''m all for, but pure lying defeats the purpose of the game. It''s cheating. Plain and simple. And I do not abide cheating," he said. "If you lie to me, you will immediately forfeit the integrity of the bet, and receive no reward."


    "Good to know. Ok, do you have the ability to read minds?" I said.


    "Yes," he said.


    "Will you agree not to read my mind for the entire duration of the bet, including the time that I used to come up with the idea for the bet?" I said.


    "I can''t turn back time and unread your mind if I did, but I assure you I haven''t read your mind and I will not for the entirety of the bet. I consider mind-reading cheating as well. You''re not outsmarting someone if you just peek into their mind to find out what they''re thinking. My father did that shit to me all the time and I hated it," he said.


    "He would read our minds, me and the other angels, and punish and shame us for our thoughts. It was actually worse than that. Instead of reading our thoughts privately, he broadcasted them in our voices to everyone in heaven. Only the shameful thoughts though."


    "That''s actually how I got banished to hell. All I did was briefly think I could do his job better and the next thing I knew, my wings had burned up as I fell from heaven down to hell. Hell used to be a place where we just threw irredeemable people. He decided I should punish those people for eternity, because I thought, ''Why doesn''t he punish the wicked? Surely, that would change their behavior.''"


    "I learned my mistake after the first year, but because I thought it once, he sentenced me to do it for eternity, to throw the mistake in my face every day until the end of time. So that''s why I don''t read minds very often. Not unless it''s really important."


    "Wow, that sucks, and fair enough. Can you bring people back to life? For instance, if I were to die before 7 pm, could you bring me back, just to kill me again so you could win?" I said.Support the creativity of authors by visiting Royal Road for this novel and more.


    "No, I can''t do that. Only my father can do that," he said.


    "Ok, cool. Also, I''d like to request my reward for winning," I said. "I assume your reward for winning is my soul."


    "Naturally," he said. "Ok, what reward do you want? Lay it on me."


    "I want 3 wishes," I said.


    "I can''t do 3. I can do one though," he said.


    "Ok, I want 1 wish, but if you don''t fulfill it exactly as I intended it, I get another wish. And you don''t get to read my mind to find out what I meant," I said. "You have to interpret what I meant. I will never lie about what I want though."


    "Hmm. Very tricky. I love it! Done and done. Now all you have to do is make the bet," he said.


    "Ok, I bet you can''t kill me at exactly 7 pm tomorrow night in the time zone I''m in at the time," I said.


    "Awesome! See you soon!" He hung up.


    "See you soon?" I said.


    The devil appeared in front of me. Or at least I assumed he was the devil, because he was the last person I talked to and he said he''d see me soon. He looked like a normal human man. An impeccably well-dressed human man, but a human man nonetheless. He was a tall handsome fair-skinned man with wavy black hair, wearing a black suit, white shirt, and a black bow tie with gold dollar signs on it. I didn''t love the bow tie, but who was I to judge the man''s taste in ties? Tie choice is a very personal thing.


    "Hey, friend!" He said, putting his hand out to shake. "I go by my official title ''The Devil'' down below, but you can call me Lucifer or Lucy, but I prefer Lucifer."


    I shook his hand hesitantly. "Surprisingly, I can say it''s nice to meet you Lucifer. This is by far the most interesting social encounter I''ve ever had. I''d say it was worth making the bet, just for this. My name is Dave."


    "It''s nice to meet you, Dave," he said with a wide grin. "So what''s on the agenda for tonight?"


    "Honestly? I was just going to watch another movie, and then try to get a good night''s rest." I said.


    Suddenly, an alarm went off on my phone. I turned it off and immediately walked to the bathroom and opened the medicine cabinet.


    "What was that?" Lucifer said.


    "My alarm to take my heart medication. I have to take it at 7 pm every night. Otherwise, I could get a blood clot and die. I have a congenital heart defect," I said.


    "Oh, I''m sorry man. Why don''t you just stop taking it though? If you died, then you''d win the bet," he said.


    "I already thought of that," I said. "I figure you could probably make the blood clot go away as soon as I start showing signs. That and I hear it''s an incredibly unpleasant way to go."


    "You''re right. I could disappear the blood clot," he said.


    "Couldn''t you just heal my heart defect?" I said.


    "I could but it takes a lot of juice and I''m not a charity worker," he said.


    "Fair, I guess," I said. I took my medicine and then walked into the kitchen. "I need to start getting dinner ready. Just watch TV while you wait."


    "Fine by me," he said. He grabbed the remote and turned on another horror movie. It was called "Deal With the Devil." Super original, right? This one was also about a deal with the devil rather than a bet.


    I got stuff out of the fridge and pulled out a cutting board and a big knife. I put my hand down on the cutting board and slammed the knife onto my wrist, cutting my hand clean off. I stifled any noises my mouth wanted to make from the pain.


    "What was that?" Lucifer said without looking around. "It sounded like you hit that cutting board as hard as you could. What are you doing? Chopping off chicken heads?"


    "No! Nothing like that. Just cutting my hand off," I said. Normally, I would have lied in this situation, but Lucifer had specifically stated I couldn''t lie or the bet was forfeit.


    "Oh, is that all?" Lucifer said. "Wait, what? Dave, what are you thinking?" He got up off the couch and began to run over.


    My sight started to get blurry and dark. I could feel myself passing out. Eventually, my legs gave out from under me and I fell to the floor. The last thing I saw before everything went black was Lucifer rushing over to me, saying, "Dave! Dave, are you alright? Well, obviously not. You''re missing a hand!" Then, lights out.


    <hr>


    A detective walked into my room. You could tell he was a detective because he wore a long trench coat and a fedora, like in some old noir film. Maybe he watched too many movies. He noted the keys in the bowl by the door and the damaged "Bless This Mess" sign hanging against the wall. The "This" and the two s''s at the end of "Mess" had been scratched off so it just read "Bless Me."


    There was one set of keys in the bowl. There was a kitchenette, a living room complete with a couch, and a bed against the wall. It was a one-room apartment, also known as a studio apartment.


    It wasn''t that bad, considering. It was rather spacious. It was larger than any studio apartment I had seen before. The only thing that really qualified it as a studio apartment was the fact that everything was in one room. I didn''t like that he was seeing it under these circumstances.


    The sight of blood in my kitchen caught his eye. He walked over to take a closer look. There were some peculiar items there that had stumped everyone who had come before him. There was a bloody knife on a cutting board next to a severed hand. There was also a wine corker with an eye attached to the corkscrew. He held the corkscrew up to the light. Nothing was particularly strange about these items alone. It was my body that stumped everyone.


    He walked into the living room and looked at my body sitting on an old red couch. I was a young man in my early twenties. I had blonde hair, blue eyes, and a winning smile if I say so myself.


    I was dead. That said, being dead wasn''t too bad. I could float around and watch people enter my apartment. I could look up their nostrils. I could watch TV at first until one of the investigators turned it off. That was disappointing.


    The strange part was that my body had both of its eyes and both of its hands and no cuts or stab wounds. The crime lab had already examined the hand, the blood on the knife, and the eyeball. They all matched the DNA of the body, but the body had all its parts. The crime scene defied explanation. Well, this scene. They still weren''t sure if a crime had even been committed. They couldn''t figure out what killed me.


    I was a good man. Well, I was a man, that''s for sure. I had what experts like to call "a miserable life." I worked a dead-end job until I got fired. I lived with my girlfriend in a studio apartment, going about a daily routine until one day she didn''t want to be around anymore and she left. I had the same four friends that I drank with at the bar every Friday night until they got sober and left me alone.


    I used to be a professional poker player until I let the liquor take over and ruin my career. I played all the usual secret underground poker games until no one would lend me money anymore. I had racked up too much debt. They sent a few guys around to break my fingers and toes until even they eventually gave up and left me alone too.


    But that was all before the bet, the hand-chopping, and everything else that came after that.

 Chapter 2: The Pit

    I opened my eyes and blinked. Lucifer was standing over me. "You''re alright, buddy. Come on. Let me get you up," he said. He put his left hand out and I grabbed it with my left without thinking about the fact that I had cut it off. But my left hand gripped his and he pulled me up. I looked at my left hand. It was back on my body like nothing happened. Then I looked at the cutting board. My left hand was still lying there.


    "What the hell?" I said, looking at the hand on the cutting board.


    "Oh, that? Yeah, when I regenerate people''s limbs, their removed one stays," Lucifer said.


    "Huh," I said. "I guess that makes sense. So you can regenerate limbs. What about brain injuries? Like if I were to stab myself in the brain, would you be able to prevent me from dying?"


    "Yeah, I would. Brain injuries usually aren''t instant kills like people assume they are. If your body was fully disintegrated by a bomb or something, sure. I wouldn''t be able to bring you back from that, but a simple brain injury is no problem for me," he said.


    I grabbed a bottle of wine off the rack in my kitchen. I needed a drink. I uncorked the bottle, pulled the cork off the corkscrew, and threw it in the trash, laying the corkscrew on the counter.


    "Are you sure?" I said, drinking straight from the bottle.


    "Do you want to test it?" He said.


    "Let me get drunk first, and then we can test it," I said.


    "How long is that going to take?" Lucifer said.


    "About a minute," I said, chugging the wine until only half the bottle was left.


    "Won''t that interfere with your heart medication?" He said.


    "Probably, but it hasn''t yet," I said.


    "Ok. Are you ready yet?" Lucifer said picking up the corkscrew.


    "I''ll never be ready to be stabbed in the brain, but I''m as ready as I''ll ever be," I said.


    "Ok, hold still," he said. He unfurled the metal spiral prong of the corkscrew and placed it in his hand so the prong stuck out of his fist. He grabbed me by the head and pulled his arm back.


    "Where are you putting that?" I said a little alarmed.


    "In through your eye. Where else would I put it?" He said.


    "Why not go in through the temple?" I said.


    "It''s not as easy as everyone thinks. There''s a lot of muscle tissue there to dig into. The eye is soft and easily perforated. Just hold still. It''ll be over and done with faster than you can say, ''Ow, ow, ow, that''s my eye.''" He said.


    He plunged the metal prong into my eye. He pushed and pushed and pulled. The pain was excruciating. When he pulled his hand back, my eye and a bit of spongy tissue were attached to the prong.


    "Is that?" I said, on the edge of passing out.


    "Brain tissue? Yeah," he said. "Let me heal you." He waved his hand in front of my face and my vision came back in my right eye. I didn''t feel like I was passing out anymore. "All better."


    The devil held my eye up to my eye and said, "Now, do you see? Even pierced brain tissue can''t kill you before I can heal you."


    "I see," I said. "That really hurt."


    "You made the bet. Now live with it," he said. He put the corkscrew down on the counter.


    I thought about what he just did. He saved my life. Twice. Wait. This meant he would save my life every time. No matter what happened or what I did. Maybe I couldn''t win the bet, but I could use this. I put my shoes on and grabbed my coat, my wallet, my keys, and a knife from the kitchen. I stuffed the knife in my jacket pocket.


    "Where are we going?" Lucifer said.


    "The Pit," I said.


    We walked down several blocks in the snow and came to an alley. I walked down the alley to where there was a burly man with a long beard standing by a door with a red carpet rolled out in front of the door. The man looked me and the devil up and down and said, "State your business."


    "I want to go inside," I said with a smile on my face.


    "You don''t belong here. Get lost," he said.


    "What if I have the password? Does it matter what I look like then?" I said.


    "No, but you don''t have the password," he said.


    "No, I don''t, but you''re going to give it to me," I said pulling the knife out of my jacket.Enjoying this book? Seek out the original to ensure the author gets credit.


    "Really?" The bouncer said. He pulled out a knife of his own that he flicked open.


    "Yes, really," I said. "Give me the password or this is going to get ugly."


    "For you, it will," he said.


    I slowly approached him with the knife at my side. When I got within a few feet, he lunged forward and stabbed me in the stomach. It hurt. A lot. But I was still alive. I dropped the knife and punched him in the face. He laughed and stabbed me again. I stuck my knuckle out and punched him in the eye. His hand went up to his eye. I punch him in the throat. He got angry and stabbed me again and again until my shirt was covered in blood, but still, I stood before him.


    "Are you on something? How are you still standing?" He said.


    I lifted my shirt up to show no stab wounds. "I''m fine. See?" I said.


    "What the hell? How?" He experimentally stabbed me again and pulled his knife out. The wound sealed right in front of his eyes. "No way. You''re not human. What are you?!?!" He slashed and stabbed at me to no effect.


    I headbutted him and broke his nose. He fell backward onto his back. I grabbed him by the collar and said, "Give me the password!"


    "Over my dead body!" He said. He pulled a gun and shot me several times in the chest. The bullets knocked me back a few steps. He got up and put the gun against my forehead. "Get out of here or I''ll shoot you in the head. There''s no way you can heal from that."


    I looked at the devil. "Is he right?" I said.


    "Yeah. While I can heal many types of head injuries, bullets to the brain aren''t one of them. We should go back," he said.


    "No. Do something to prevent him from shooting me in the head or he''ll kill me and I''ll win the bet. I''m not backing down. If I can''t win this bet, I''m going to have a good time with my last 24 hours," I said gritting my teeth.


    "Fine," the devil said. He snapped his fingers. "There."


    "Good," I said. I didn''t know what he did, but I knew I wasn''t going to die anymore. This was my real goal all along. Not going into The Pit. I was still going in, but that''s not why I was here. I was here to trick the devil into making me invincible to physical harm. I grabbed the gun and held it tight against my head. "Shoot me! Or give me the password! Your choice, asshole!"


    "Ok," he said. He pulled the trigger and the gun went off. My head whipped back and I was staring at the sky. I tilted my head back down to look at the man. He looked at me in shock and horror.


    "No way," he said. "That''s not possible." He looked at the gun and then he looked at me. He lifted the gun and emptied the rest of the clip against my head.


    I reached up and peeled the flattened bullets off my forehead one by one, ominously, trying to intimidate the man in front of me. After I was done, I looked him in the eyes and said, "Give me the password, before I end you."


    "It''s ''apricot'', ok? But I still can''t let you inside," he said.


    "Then I''ll just let myself inside," I said. I stepped past him and grabbed the handle of the door. He pushed against the door. I headbutted him again and broke his nose a second time. He fell over holding his nose and crying. "Now, stay down." I opened the door and held it over for the devil. Lucifer walked past me.


    "Thanks," he said.


    "No, thank you," I said. I walked inside and closed the door behind me.


    We walked down a flight of stairs into a noisy club full of flashing lights. Everyone in there was either a skinhead or a biker and they all sported some form of Nazi clothing or tattoo. The Pit. The city''s fight club run exclusively by and for neo-Nazis. One of the most dangerous and terrible places in the city. They all stopped and stared at me and Lucifer. "Apricot," I said. Then they shook their heads and looked away.


    I walked up to the bar. "Apricot," I said.


    The bartender looked at me over his glasses and said, "I heard you the first time. What are you having?"


    "Pour me the nastiest shot you have," I said.


    "Ok. One Devil''s Donut coming up," he said.


    "Actually, make it two," I said. "One for my friend, Lucifer."


    "That''s not funny," the bartender said. His name tag said, Raphael.


    "It''s not a joke," I said. "His real name is Lucifer. His father named him that."


    Lucifer pulled out his wallet and pulled a driver''s license out of it. He showed it to Raphael, who said, "Lucifer Morningstar." He grabbed the ID from Lucifer and ran it under a black light and some sensors. "Are you sure this is real?" After he had run it through a few tests, he said, "I guess it is real. Weird. Ok, I guess I will pour a shot for Lucifer." He gave Lucifer a look he didn''t notice. Just a brief narrowing of the eyes.


    Raphael pushed up his glasses that momentarily glinted brilliantly in the low light of the bar. Then he changed the angle of his head, the brilliance went away. The light must have been reflecting off his glasses directly into my eyes. Raphael pulled out a small measuring tool and poured different liquors into it and poured them into a shaker. He shook the concoction up and poured it into three shot glasses.


    "I only asked for two," I said.


    "I know. This one''s for me," he said grabbing the third shot glass.


    "Cheers!" I said.


    "Cheers!" Lucifer said.


    "Cheers!" The bartender, Raphael, said.


    I looked at my shot. It was filled with black liquid, but inside the black liquid, was red liquid in the shape of a donut, and the shot was steaming hot. We all threw back our shots. Man did it burn. Holy shit. That was the harshest burn I''d ever felt. That really was a nasty shot. Although, I assumed a shot named after the devil''s butthole would burn.


    "Damn, that''s good!" I said.


    "Thanks. I came up with it myself," Raphael said. "I made it to commemorate someone I never thought I''d see again."


    "Huh. A friend?" I said.


    "You could say that," he said looking at me and Lucifer.


    "I''m looking to fight in the pit," I said. "How do I sign up?"


    "With me," Raphael said. He pulled out a sign-up sheet and pointed at an empty line. "Sign here. The Pit is not responsible for any death, injury, or dismemberment that may occur in the ring."


    "Is that legally enforceable?" I said signing my name.


    "Legally no, but illegally, yes. Very," he said, giving me a grim look.


    "Ok, fine," I said throwing my hands up. "Didn''t mean to offend."


    "None taken," he said pulling the sheet out of my hands. He pulled a microphone out of nowhere and spoke into it. "Will the next two fighters please make their way to the ring now? Dave, uh, Daverson, and Phil "The Fill" O''Malley." He read off the sheet.


    The pit was further into the bar. I made my way over to the pit. Lucifer grabbed my shoulder. "Are you sure you want to make enemies with these people? They''re Nazis."


    "I appreciate your concern, but if I can''t make enemies with Nazis, then who can I make enemies with?" I said.


    "That''s fair, I suppose," he said.


    I walked down into the pit on a ramp. My challenger did the same. Then the ramp was tilted up until it became another vertical wall of the pit. My challenger was well over 6 feet tall and burly and over weight. This wasn''t normally an advantage but it did mean gut shots wouldn''t do as much damage.


    Raphael walked up to the pit and said, "Now you both know the rules."


    "No. No, I don''t," I said.


    "Oh. Well, the rules are that there are no rules. Fight until the other person can''t or won''t fight anymore," he said. "Begin!" He hit a bell with a hammer to start the fight.

 Chapter 3: Apocalypse

    Phil "The Fill" O''Malley''s fist came rocketing towards my face. Instinctively I started to duck until I remembered I was invincible. Then I slammed my face into his fist. I heard bones pop, crack, and break.


    "Fuck, my fist!" Phil said.


    "I''d rather not fist fuck you unless I''m getting paid to do it," I said. "I don''t clip my nails as often as I should."


    I bent my knees then popped up and uppercutted Phil in the chin. Phil stumbled back and felt his chin. His hand came back bloody. "Ow," he said. "You just made me bleed!"


    "I''m sorry?" I said. "Wait!"


    Phil stopped mid-swing. "What?"


    "Raphael!" I yelled.


    "Yes?" He answered.


    "Can I still bet on myself?" I said.


    "Uh, sure. I guess. How much?" He said.


    I opened my wallet and pulled out two hundred dollar bills because that''s all that was in there. "Two hundred!" I tried to hand the money up to Raphael but it was too far.


    Raphael lied down on the ground next to the pit and stuck his arm through the caging surrounding the ring. "Come closer."


    I pressed myself against the wall of the ring and extended my arm as far up as it would go. "That''s all I got."


    "Tippy toes!" He said.


    I got on my tippy toes and pushed the money up. He finally grabbed it out of my hand.


    "Thanks," he said. "Alright, go back to fighting."


    I started to turn around when Phil''s fist impacted my head. His knuckles popped against my head but nothing broke because I wasn''t leaning into it.


    "Ow!" He said. "What''s wrong with your head?"


    I kicked him in the side of the knee, tearing his ACL and LCL, and sending him to the ground. I punched him in the face and a few of his teeth flew out of his mouth. I stepped back and let him try to get to his feet. He barely stood up on one leg. He threw one last punch that I dodged and I uppercut him so hard that he lifted into the air and slammed onto his back on the hard concrete floor of the pit. He didn''t move after that. Everyone was silent after that.


    Something landed on my face. I picked it off and looked at it. It was a hundred-dollar bill. Then I saw nine more on the ground. Raphael had thrown my winnings at me from above. I must have had 5 to 1 odds.


    "I call cheating!" A guy jumped down into the pit and landed next to me. He was a little shorter than me with balding red hair and a crooked nose. He poked me in the chest. "What are you using? A four-leaf clover? A rabbit''s foot? Maybe a voodoo doll? No one takes hits like that from "The Fill" and walks away!"


    "I don''t know what you''re talking about, little guy," I said.


    "Little guy? I''ll show you a little guy!" He said.


    "Whoa, whoa, whoa! I don''t want to see your penis!" I said.


    "I''m not going to show you my penis, you idiot! I''m going to do this!" He said. He slowly grew taller and more muscular until he was a buff 6''5" Irish man with a long red beard and gold horns.


    "What the hell?" I said.


    "What, you''ve never seen a leprechaun before?" He said grinning. He was massive. His fist was as big as my head.


    "Uh, no, obviously not. I feel the need to say this despite you already answering this question. Leprechauns are real?" I said.


    "Of course, they''re real. Where do you think you are right now?" He said.


    "A Nazi bar?" I said.


    "A Nazi bar? Ha! That''s just something we do to scare away tourists. You''re not a tourist are you?" He said.


    "Me? A tourist? No way," I said unconvincingly.


    "He''s a tourist! Lock it down!" He said. Someone pulled a lever. Alarms blared and red lights flashed. The leprechaun tried to grab me. "Come here, you little tourist!"


    "No! Get away from me! Stranger danger!" I said. I dodged out of the way of his grasp.


    "Dave! We need to get out of here, now!" Lucifer said.


    "Yeah, no duh!" I said.


    I ran up the wall of the pit, grabbed the edge, and began to pull myself up. The leprechaun grabbed my leg and tried to pull me down. "No! Stop that!" I said. I kicked him in the face, knocking him back.


    "Ow, my nose!" The leprechaun said as he shrunk back down to his smaller size. Wait, did hitting him in the nose make him shrink? Better store that away for later in case I run into more.


    I climbed through the caging around the pit and flipped over onto my back. Lucifer pulled me up. I looked around the bar as the patrons began to transform. One turned into a massive furry creature that I can assume was a werewolf. Another turned into a pale white humanoid with black eyes and pointy ears. Not sure what that was.


    Then I looked to my left and saw a dude in a fighting stance staring at me. He began to morph and change. He got skinnier and taller. His clothes disappeared and then reappeared, black and raggedy. His skin got pale white and his lips and the skin around his eyes turned black. His hair turned black and spiky and wavy at the same time. Once the transformation was complete, he looked at himself and then he looked at me.The author''s tale has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.


    "What the fuck, dude?" He said.


    "What? You''re acting like I did that to you," I said.


    "I''m supposed to turn into your deepest darkest fear!" He said.


    "What? Emo kids were really mean to me in high school," I said.


    He looked like an emo kid from my high school days. He specifically looked like my biggest bully, Charlie. He was this emo kid who''d always call me a normie and a prude, and would knock shit out of my hands and rip my backpack open, spilling everything onto the ground. I always wondered why he picked on me so much, but thinking about it now, I''m pretty sure he had a crush on me. He never said he was gay, but why else was I the only person he ever bullied? He also slapped my butt and squeezed my balls a lot. I didn''t think much of it at the time since it hurt, but he was probably sexually harassing me. Damn you, Charlie!


    "This doesn''t feel right," the guy said in Charlie''s voice as he looked at his painted black fingernails. "And why do I have an overwhelming attraction to you. I want to kiss you, but I also want to punch you. This feels weird!"


    "I''m sorry turning my fears against me didn''t work out for you, but I have bigger problems to worry about!" I said. I kicked him in the stomach sending him flying back.


    "Come on!" Lucifer said, grabbing my hand and pulling me toward the entrance.


    Two large men stood in front of us and transformed into red skinned demons. They were tall and spindly with long fingers, wearing red suits with black shirts. They grabbed me and Lucifer and one of them said, "We''re sorry sir, but you''re going to have to come with us."


    "Kevin? Dale? Stand down this instant! I am your commander-in-chief!" Lucifer said.


    Several more patrons transformed into demons as well until we were surrounded by them. "This is for your own good." They said to the devil.


    As they closed in, there was a brilliant flash of white light. It knocked back all the demons to the ground, but left me and Lucifer standing. Raphael walked through the bright light and said, "Things are getting hairy. I need to get you two out of here."


    "Who are you?" Lucifer said.


    "Do you not recognize your own brother?" Raphael said.


    "I have many brothers. Which one are you?" Lucifer said.


    "It''s me, Raphael!" Raphael said.


    "Raph! Now I remember! It''s been so long! How are you?" He said.


    "I''m glad you finally recognized me, but now''s not the time," Raph said.


    I looked at Lucifer quizzically and said, "Do you not look at name tags?"


    Lucifer looked at me like I was crazy. "No! Never! Why would I respect the help enough to learn their names?"


    "I don''t even know how to respond to that," I said dumbfounded.


    "Stop making jokes, and follow me," Raph said.


    The demons were starting to wipe their eyes and get up. We followed Raph through the bar. I watched as he put his hand up and flashed every monster and mythical creature that came after us with a brilliant white light that knocked them down and blinded them. He got the werewolf, a ghost, some vampires, a ghoul, and even some random old man. Knocked him right to the ground, cane and all. He took us behind the bar and rearranged some bottles on the wall until the wall opened up and we squeezed through. Once we were through, he pulled the walls shut and put a metal bar through the handles to keep it shut.


    There was a light overhead, but only here near the door. He grabbed a torch off the wall and lit it. Then he led us down a long dark tunnel. As we walked, he said, "I''ve been undercover there for years, watching comings and goings, and informing the right people when bad things went down. Then you guys come in here and blow my cover in 20 minutes. What do you have to say for yourselves?"


    "We''re sorry?" I said.


    "Speak for yourself," Lucifer said. "I''m just babysitting him until the time runs out on our bet. He''s the one who wanted to come here."


    "Hey, I just thought I was going to beat up some Nazis and make a little money. I didn''t expect whatever that was," I said.


    "Yeah, what was all that Raph? I didn''t know there was a supernatural gathering spot here," Lucifer said.


    "I have to say, I''m a little surprised," Raph said. "The demons have been planning something big. I thought it was with your approval, but I guess they''ve been doing it behind your back."


    "What have they been planning?" I asked.


    "I don''t know. I felt like I was getting really close. They let me bartend and serve their private meetings, but now all that is over. My cover is blown. I can''t go back. They''ll tear me apart. I may be an archangel, but enough demons can take down even me. It might take a hundred of them, but they could do it," Raphael said.


    "They didn''t let anything loose while you were in their meetings?" I said.


    "They did let one thing loose. They''re planning to bring about the apocalypse. They think once the final judgment happens, they won''t have to stick around as demons much longer. Once all the souls have been sent to the appropriate circles of hell and properly punished for their misdeeds, they can take vacations, or even leave hell indefinitely and go on to do their own things," Raphael said.


    "But how do they plan to do that?" I said.


    "That, I don''t know," he said. "They didn''t reveal that."


    "Hmm," Lucifer said rubbing his chin. "I might know someone who would know."


    "Who?" I and Raph said at the same time.


    "Mephistopheles," Lucifer said.


    "You know where he is? We''ve been trying to track him down for ages," Raphael said.


    "Who''s that?" I said


    "He''s a general in my army. His domain is gambling and deal-making. He does most of the devil deals, but I wanted to take your challenge on myself, since you specifically targeted me with your initial declaration. He''s also an excellent information gatherer. He likes to know everything that''s going on in the world, supernatural or not," Lucifer said.


    "You''re taking me with you right?" I said.


    "I think this is beyond the scope of your abilities. You should go home and just wait for me to kill you tomorrow," he said.


    "No way! That''s boring! Besides, I might actually useful skills you could use," I said.


    "Like what? I''m sorry to say, but getting drunk and cutting off your own hands aren''t typically considered useful skills," Lucifer said.


    "No, no! Gambling, you idiot! I''m an expert gambler. Especially when it comes to card games. If you get me in a card game with him, I guarantee you I''ll win," I said. I wasn''t lying. I was a top notch gambler.


    "Don''t you have a huge gambling debt?" The Devil said.


    "Yes, but that was because I was wasted. As long as I don''t get drunk, I''m amazing," I said.


    "If you''re willing to pay the consequences if you lose, I''ll take you along," he said.


    "Yes!" I said pumping my fist.


    "Do you need back up?" Raphael said.


    "I appreciate the thought, but you''ll spook him. It''s better if you wait for us outside," Lucifer said.


    "Ok, but you better not ditch me. I''m in charge of this investigation upstairs. I need to keep reassuring people that everything is going according to plan, or all heaven might break loose," he said.


    "Good to know," Lucifer said.


    "Are we almost out of here?" I said. "We''ve been walking for like a mile."


    "Oh yeah we can leave whenever we want," Raphael said. "This is the endless corridor of Gostelf. It can show up anywhere you need it to for a quick escape and it can disappear just as quickly. Oh, and you can leave whenever and wherever you want. Snap and a door will open up to your intended destination."


    I went to snap, but Lucifer put his hand over mine. "You don''t know where we''re going," he said.


    "Oh, right," I said.


    He snapped his fingers and a door opened in the side of the corridor. We all walked through it and arrived outside a Casino titled "The Last Temptation." It was displayed in neon above the entrance. We walked up to the casino and Lucifer said to Raphael, "You wait here. He''ll notice you as soon as you step inside."


    Lucifer and I walked through the doors and were immediately flanked by security guards dressed in fancy black suits and wearing sunglasses at night. A security guard with a red tie, clearly someone of authority, said, "If you gentlemen could please accompany us. Our boss wants a word."


    "Fine," I said.


    "Good," Lucifer said smiling.


    We followed the man in the red tie through a series of doors and down a number of hallways and corridors. We entered a pair of doors covered in gold filigree. A man sat in a chair facing away from us looking over the casino floor through reflective glass.


    "Close the doors," he said. He spun around in his chair like a spy villain and stopped, facing us. "Now, what could the Prince of Darkness and some random guy be doing in my casino?" He smiled a devilish grin.

 Chapter 4: Mephistopheles

    "Now, what could the Prince of Darkness and some random guy be doing in my casino?" Mephistopheles said. He wore a black suit with a red shirt and black tie. He was in human form at the moment. He had shaggy brown hair, green eyes, and crooked teeth. You''d think Hell could afford a good dental plan.


    "We''re here for information," Lucifer said.


    "What about?" Mephistopheles said inspecting his fingernails.


    "The plan," Lucifer said.


    "What plan?" Mephistopheles said now inspecting his shirt cuffs.


    "The plan to start the apocalypse early. Ring any bells?" Lucifer said.


    "No, I can''t say that it does," he said picking his nose.


    "He''s not budging," Lucifer said to me. "Any ideas?"


    "Can''t you just make him tell you?" I said.


    "I can, but he''ll just say he doesn''t know anything. Command in hell isn''t like it is up here. It''s all about power and threats. I have the power, but he knows I won''t kill him, so threatening it does nothing," he said.


    "Can you just hurt him until he breaks?" I said.


    "I can hurt him, but it won''t get us anywhere. You don''t know Meph like I do. He''ll take a secret to the grave if he thinks he can leverage it," he said. "I would know. I''ve put him in the grave before. It''s unfortunate we never stay dead. Angels and demons I mean."


    "What does that mean? Like you come back to life?" I said.


    "Always. We''re immortal. We always come back," he said.


    "I see. Well, I might have another idea for getting the information out of him," I said.


    "You do?" Lucifer said incredulously.


    "Actually, yes. I know what this guy wants," I said.


    "And what might that be?" Lucifer said.


    "Simple. A deal," I said. "Hey, you! Mephelepiggus!"


    "That''s not my name, simple human. Can''t you see the adults are talking? Begone with you!" He said shooing me away.


    "Oh! Ok. Sure. I mean, I was going to make you an offer, but I guess you''ll never know what it was," I said turning away and walking over to another part of the room where there was a poker table and a pool table. I grabbed a ball and rolled it hard so it bounced back and forth several times from the front edge to the back edge of the table.


    Mephistopheles was quiet for 10 seconds. I waited without saying a word. He started tapping his foot on the ground. I ignored him until he could take it any longer. "Ok, fine! What was it?"


    "No. You didn''t want to hear it. You adults go and talk," I said tossing another ball.


    Mephistopheles got out of his chair and walked over to me. He grabbed me by the collar, lifting me off the ground and his face became demonically ugly. One of his eyes was drooping out of his eye socket. I grabbed it gently and pushed it back into the socket. It moved around until its gaze settled on me like his other eye.


    "Thanks. That''s been bugging me for a while, but it''s surprisingly hard to put your own eye back in the socket," he said.


    "No problem," I said. "Now, why are you picking me up? Are we gonna slow dance?"


    "Oh, right. Where was I? Oh yeah. Tell me what the offer was or so help me Dog, I will burn you to cinders!" He said.


    "You can''t," I said.


    "Why not?" He said.


    "Because Lucifer made me invincible," I said.


    "Why would he do that?" He asked.


    "Why don''t you ask him," I said.


    "Lucy, why would you make this kid invincible?" Mephistopheles asked.


    "Only to external physical harm!" Lucifer said.


    "What does that mean?" I said.


    "Only to external physical threats. So like if you got poisoned or you had a heart attack or a stroke, you''d still die," he said.


    "Why?" I said.


    "I can''t cure all ailments. I''m not Jesus!" Lucifer said.


    "Yes, you can. You just don''t want to. You said before you could fix my heart defect," I said.


    "Ok, ok. I stand corrected. I can fix those things but as I said, that takes a lot of juice, and I could well, die," he said.


    "But you''d come back though," I said.


    "Yes, but like an hour later. The apocalypse plot might have already succeeded by then," he said.


    "Why don''t I just poison myself a million times and win the bet," I said.


    "Because I''d know what you''re poisoning yourself with. I could just remove that specific toxin from your body easily. That''s why I''m keeping an eye on you in the first place. I meant if you were poisoned by an unknown toxin," he said.


    "Oh, ok," I said. I was definitely storing that away for later.


    "No one is answering my question! Why did you make him invincible to ''external physical harm''?" Mephistopheles said.


    "Cuz I need him alive until 7 pm tomorrow night. We have a little bet going that I can''t kill him at that exact time," Lucifer said.A case of theft: this story is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.


    "Oh, so that''s why this kid is here. That makes sense, but it''s not satisfying. If I can''t threaten him with death or pain, how am I going to get him to tell me the offer?" He whined.


    "You know, you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar," I said.


    "What does that mean?" He said raising his eyebrow. "You want me to bribe you?"


    "If you offer me something I want, I''ll tell you my offer in return," I said.


    "You''re extorting me just to tell me your offer? Is that the best you got?" He said smirking.


    "Don''t pretend. You want to know my offer," I said.


    "Damn it. You''re good," he said grinning an angry grin.


    "I know," I said. "I can be persuasive given the right motivation."


    "You''d make a good demon," he said.


    "I know, but I''m not super into torturing people," I said. "It''s just not my thing."


    "I suppose that is fair," he said. He paused. "Well, what do you want?"


    "Give me some sort of power. Something cool," I said.


    "It would have to be fairly low power to be justifiable and doable," he said.


    "Hmm," I said. I thought about it for a while. "I''ve had bad luck ever since I can remember. I''m not asking you to give me good luck, but what if you gave me the ability to correct my karma back to zero? Like if a bunch of bad things happen to me, I can correct them with good karma coming my way. Or if a bunch of good things happen to me, I can correct that by sending bad karma to myself."


    "Karmic rebalancing. That sounds relatively harmless since if the universe is operating as it should, your karma should balance out relatively quickly as it is," he said.


    "Yes, but this would allow me to make the karma rebalance whenever I want, in case it''s taking too long," I said.


    "Ok. I can understand that," he said.


    "To be clear, it shouldn''t matter if the bad things that happen to me are my fault. Bad things are bad things," I said.


    "I suppose that''s true," he said scratching his chin. "Ok. Karmic rebalancing with the stipulations you provided. Done."


    "You''re not lying are you?" I said, but then I felt it. The karmic balance of my life. Currently, the scales were being heavily weighed down by negative events. "Oh. I see."


    "You feel it," he said.


    "I do," I said. "Thank you." I bowed my head as much as I could while being held in the air.


    "Yeah, yeah. Now cough it up! What''s the offer?" He said.


    "The offer is if Lucifer kills me and I go to hell, I''ll let you personally torture my soul as much as you want," I said.


    "Hmm. That''s not bad, but what do I get out of torturing your soul?" He said.


    "You get to torture the human that annoyed you so much, you picked him up and still haven''t put him down," I said looking at the ground a foot below my feet.


    "Oh, right," he said setting me down. "In that case, it''s not a bad offer, considering the devil has never lost a bet, but that still depends on what you want in return."


    "The who, what, when, why, where, and how of the demon plot to kick start the apocalypse. Gimme," I said.


    "Fine. I''ll tell you what I know in return for what you offered me. It isn''t much, but it should at least point you in the right direction," he said.


    "Ok, hit me," I said.


    Mephistopheles punched me in the face.


    "I deserved that, but seriously, what''s the info?" I said.


    "They''re planning to rob a bank," he said rubbing his fist. "That hurt. Why did you have to make his face so hard?"


    "So bullets couldn''t pierce it and kill him," Lucifer said.


    "Oh. That makes sense," Mephistopheles said.


    "They''re planning to rob a bank? Why?" I said.


    "I don''t know. But I heard it from a very reliable source," he said. "So I know it''s legit."


    "Who''s your source?" Lucifer said grabbing Mephistopheles by the collar.


    "You don''t have to do that. I''ll tell you. It''s Lilith," he said.


    "She said she tortured the information out of some lower-level demon named Harvey. She said she was going to look into it further, but I haven''t heard from her since," he said.


    "Who''s Lilith? It sounds familiar, but I don''t recall anything specific," I said.


    "She was Adam''s first wife, but she didn''t much like being ordered around, so she left and made a deal with demons to become a demon and now she''s a demon queen who runs a section of Hell," Lucifer said.


    "That checks out. That first thing totally leads to the next thing," I said.


    "Right? Adam was a jerk. He really didn''t like having a wife who couldn''t obey him. I think she made the deal to just have a place to stay. They kicked her out of paradise and my father didn''t build anything outside of it except dirt," Lucifer said. "Kind of dumb if you ask me."


    "That just sounds messed up is what that sounds like," I said.


    "Yeah, well I guess it doesn''t matter how she got there. She''s a demon queen now regardless," Lucifer said.


    "Right. Where do you think we should look for her?" I said.


    "If she''s been captured by this group of conspiring demons, she''s probably in the Fortress of Bureaucracy. They''ll tie you down for ages and not release you but say you''re free to go whenever you want, as long as you sign some forms first," Lucifer said.


    "Sounds like hell," I said.


    "It is," he said. "Figuratively and literally."


    "Well, let''s go then. Time''s wasting," I said.


    "Leaving so soon? We haven''t even gotten to play any games yet," Mephistopheles said disappointed.


    "The coin is in your left hand, then your right hand, then your right hand, then your right hand again. You have a card up your sleeve, in your shoe, and in your crotch, which is gross. And the numbers you''re thinking of are 3, 7, 69, 420, and 666," I said. I could read this guy like a book. He loved deals, he loved games, and he loved winning, but he was predictable.


    "What? How did you?" Mephistopheles said.


    "Because I''ve done it myself. I know all the tricks," I said.


    "Bah! You''re no fun!" He said. Coins and cards fell out of his clothes and several explosions of confetti went off on different parts of his body.


    "Whoa! That''s a little more than I expected. Well done," I said. "Touch¨¦."


    "Hey, I almost always win, and when I don''t, I make the other person wish that I did. You''re the first one to get a fair deal out of me," he said. "I''d tip my hat to you, but I don''t have one, and I don''t want to. You annoyed me too much."


    "I get that," I said. "Well, we''re off."


    "See you later, Meph! Don''t die before I can kill you!" Lucifer said.


    We walked out the way we came in and were escorted back out by the guards that led us to Meph''s room in the first place. When we got outside, Raphael was rubbing his hands together and breathing into them to keep them warm. His breath made steam on the air, but mine didn''t and neither did Lucifer''s.


    Raphael saw me narrow my eyes at that observation. "Demons are cold-blooded, like lizards. Hell has the perfect climate for them, because it''s so hot. You have some of their magic in you, so your body is starting to run like theirs. Angels on the other hand are warm-blooded. That''s why my breath is steaming and yours aren''t."


    "I see," I said.


    "Be careful with that. Being cold blooded means you need external heat every so often, or you''ll get really uncomfortable, and then you''ll die. Cold blooded animals need heat to fuel digestive processes, or as I said, they''ll die," Raphael said.


    "Good to know," I said. "Well, it looks like we need to head to Hell to find answers. You gonna be able to tag along?"


    "Normally, no. Angels aren''t supposed to enter Hell at any time for any reason, but I''ve been authorized full autonomy on where I go and what I do to prevent this apocalypse. So, short answer is yes, I can tag along," Raphael said.


    "Ok, here we go," Lucifer said snapping his fingers.


    We disappeared from outside the casino and reappeared somewhere red and hot. The ground was black and cracked with red light seeping through. There were black clouds overhead that flashed with lightning and a deep red light seemed to permeate everything.


    "What kind of light is this? Am I gonna need to wear sunblock?" I said.


    "Red light? I think thematically it''s red because we''re supposed to be underground. You know, molten magma is red so the light is red, but technically we''re not actually underground. We''re in another dimension entirely. So I don''t actually know where the light comes from or why it''s red. My father created it. Go ask him," Lucifer said.


    "Whoa! Settle down buddy. Sounds like I struck a nerve," I said.


    "No. I mean, yeah. It''s just the first thing everyone asks when they get here. I get tired of explaining it and not having the answer," Lucifer said.


    "Ok. I''ll try not to touch anymore nerves, but no promises," I said.


    "That''s all I can ask for, I suppose," Lucifer said.


    "Hey guys, is this where we''re going?" Raphael said pointing at the massive building in front of us.


    "Is this the Fortress of Bureaucracy? This is less a fortress and more a corporate headquarters. This thing is huge!" I said.


    "You''ll find it''s a little bit of both," Lucifer said. "I try not to spend too much time in there. The people get under my skin."


    "Should we go inside?" I said.


    "Let''s," the Devil said.


    "I''m following you two," Raphael said.


    We walked towards the towering black building that was the Fortress of Bureaucracy. I wondered what dreadful policies and procedures awaited us inside.

 Chapter 5: Fortress of Bureaucracy

    We walked in through the front doors of the Fortress of Bureaucracy and the first thing that happened was someone standing at the door handed us a stack of papers each. ¡°Fill these out.¡±


    They were a stack of forms for different purposes. One was a release form, clearing the Fortress of Bureaucracy and Hell of responsibility for any injury, death, boredom, or annoyance we may experience while inside. Another was a Non-Disclosure Agreement. I didn¡¯t even know they could give Non-Disclosure Agreements to people who weren¡¯t employees. But this was Hell. They probably didn¡¯t have the same rules down here as they did up on Earth. Wait, why am I saying ¡°down here¡± and ¡°up on Earth¡±? Lucifer said this is a different dimension. That we aren¡¯t underground. Probably just conditioning. Oh well.


    There was also a questionnaire. There was one asking why we were visiting the Fortress of Bureaucracy and another one for why we were in Hell in the first place.


    There was also a survey. It asked us how our experience was in Hell so far and how our experience was in the Fortress of Bureaucracy. There were a lot of ¡°rate your experience from 1 to 10¡± sections and they were all measures of negative emotion.


    ¡°On a scale from 1 to 10, how annoying has your experience been so far?¡± One question said.


    ¡°On a scale from 1 to 10, how much do you want to punch someone in the face right now?¡± Another question said.


    ¡°On a scale from 1 to 10, how likely are you to rip all your clothes off and run away screaming?¡± Yet another question said.


    I just circled ¡°10¡± on all of them, on the off chance that they immediately checked these as a way to adjust your experience here. I figured if I circled ¡°1,¡± they would ramp it up to become even more unpleasant than it already was. Meanwhile, Lucifer and Raphael gave honest answers, which made me feel like pulling out my hair. Did they not understand where they were? This was hell! The place where they torture souls! I was feeling tortured already by all these annoying forms.


    The last page just said in big letters, ¡°Deliver your papers to the front desk.¡± So that¡¯s what we did. I finished first, so I was in front. I placed my papers on the counter. Sitting behind the counter was a short red demon with just enough cleavage showing to where it was inappropriate for work, but not enough for coworkers to call her out on it. She was filing her nails. She looked up at me, took the papers, and put them in a ¡°To File¡± basket on her desk.


    ¡°Yes?¡± she said, smacking her gum. ¡°How may I not help you today?¡±


    ¡°Wait, is it opposite day today?¡± I said.


    ¡°Every day is opposite day, except for the days that aren¡¯t,¡± she said.


    ¡°That was illuminating and confusing at the same time. Good job,¡± I said.


    ¡°I aim not to please,¡± she said smiling a white smile with perfect rows of straight sharp teeth.


    ¡°Excellent. So can you not tell us where we can find Lilith, please, and no thank you?¡± I said. I wasn¡¯t sure if talking in opposite speak would work, but it was worth a try.


    ¡°Absolutely not. You won¡¯t be able to find her in the Department of Perpetual Processing,¡± she said smacking her gum louder somehow. I was feeling a strange attraction to this very annoying person, and I didn¡¯t understand why.


    Lucifer saw the look in my eyes, grabbed me by the shoulders, and shook me. ¡°Don¡¯t fall in! It¡¯s a trap!¡±


    I turned around. ¡°What?¡± I said.


    ¡°That feeling you¡¯re feeling. It¡¯s a demonic lure. They use it to enslave the minds of humans to do their bidding. Don¡¯t become a victim of it,¡± he said.


    ¡°Oh.¡± I shook my head, but the feeling didn¡¯t go away. I could feel my attraction to her growing stronger by the second. Then I remembered my new power. ¡°Uh, let me try something.¡± I tried to activate my karmic rebalancing ability. My bad luck was stacked so heavily on the scales that I bet the rebalancing would offer a great boon to me, which hopefully would help me out of this situation. I focused on activating the ability and I felt a weight slam onto the good luck side of the scales, restoring balance.


    Then, suddenly, I didn¡¯t feel the attraction any more. She seemed like an ok, if crappy, person, but I didn¡¯t desire her the way I had moments ago. Huh. Maybe I became immune to it?


    ¡°Uh, I think I fixed it. I don¡¯t feel attracted to her anymore,¡± I said.


    ¡°Good,¡± Lucifer said.


    I turned back to the woman and said, ¡°Where can I not find this Department of Perpetual Processing?¡±


    ¡°Up the stairs three times, turn left, then right, then right again. You can¡¯t see it,¡± she said.


    ¡°Huh? Oh, right. No thank you,¡± I said and winked.


    She winked right back and continued filing her nails.


    We started to walk away when the woman behind the counter said, ¡°You forgot something!¡±


    I walked back to her. ¡°What? What did I forget?¡±


    ¡°This,¡± she said. She handed me a form. It was a ¡°Request for Romantic Engagement¡± form. She had already filled it out. It said her name was Margaret. At first, I was confused about how to respond to this, then I thought, what would a bureaucrat do? And it came to me.


    I leaned over the counter to look at her desk. ¡°Can I see your stamps and a pen?¡±


    ¡°You certainly cannot,¡± she said. She handed me a small bin of stamps and a nice black metal pen.


    I looked at the stamps to find the one I wanted and said, ¡°You¡¯re not going to do this on the date, are you?¡±


    ¡°Do what?¡± She said, looking hurt.


    ¡°The whole opposite speak thing. Like I get you doing it here, but on the date, I feel like communication would get really confusing, and don¡¯t even get me started on how awkward it would make consent,¡± I said, smiling, but also kind of serious.


    ¡°No, I will not. That stays at work,¡± she said.


    ¡°Ok, good.¡± I grabbed a stamp and stamped the word ¡°APPROVED¡± on the form and then wrote my phone number in the margin. I didn¡¯t feel an overwhelming lust for her anymore, but that didn¡¯t mean I didn¡¯t think she was cute or potentially interesting. Even if the date turned out horrible, I¡¯d at least have a story to tell at parties.Love this novel? Read it on Royal Road to ensure the author gets credit.


    I handed her the form. She looked at it and squealed. I didn¡¯t expect that much enthusiasm from a bureaucrat, but maybe I was better looking than I thought I was.


    I left her to do her job. We took the directions she gave us and arrived at our destination. The Department of Perpetual Processing. We walked inside and were faced with endless rows of cubicles as far as the eye could see. Which made no sense, considering the outside of the room that we walked into wasn¡¯t that large. It must have been one of those ¡®bigger on the inside¡¯ sort of things.


    Inside each cubicle was someone filling out forms. Every time they would complete their forms, someone would come up to the cubicle, take their completed forms, and hand them more forms to complete. And on and on into infinity. I wondered if this was a sort of prison. Something that could be bureaucratically explained as just being ¡°part of the procedure,¡± but the procedure was meant to hold you up as long as they wanted you to be there. This made sense as a place to imprison Lilith if she¡¯d gotten too close to figuring out the demonic plot.


    Technically, they probably couldn¡¯t imprison her because she was in too high of a position of authority. She was a queen, after all. But they could effectively imprison her here as long as they wanted. What a truly diabolic mechanism they had constructed here.


    We walked up to the front desk. ¡°Are you here for processing or to de-process someone?¡± The guy behind the counter said without looking up.


    ¡°We¡¯re here to de-process someone,¡± I said.


    ¡°Who might that be?¡± He said. He still hadn¡¯t looked up yet.


    ¡°Lilith,¡± I said.


    The man looked up. ¡°Do you have the proper forms?¡±


    I turned to Lucifer and Raphael. ¡°Punch me in the face.¡± I looked at Lucifer. ¡°Make it hurt.¡±


    ¡°Sure,¡± Lucifer said.


    ¡°Why?¡± Raphael said.


    ¡°Just do it. He probably has a plan,¡± Lucifer said.


    ¡°Ok,¡± Raphael said, winding back.


    He slammed his fist into my face on one side and then Lucifer hit me on the other side. I fell to the ground and slid across the floor until I hit the wall of the front desk. I felt the scales of luck and karma tilt in one direction. I lay there for a while before getting up, brushing myself off, putting my hands out in front of me, and pressing the internal button to rebalance my karmic scales. The scales snapped back into balance and a stack of papers fell into my hands. I looked them over and they were signed by myself and several people. They detailed the process of releasing Lilith from this hellscape.


    I turned around and put them on the bureaucrat¡¯s desk. ¡°Here you go. The proper forms signed by the proper people.¡±


    He looked over the forms, and an expression of shock formed on his face. ¡°How did you get these? These are designed to be nearly impossible to fill out and get approved all in one day. You have about a 15-minute window to do it and only I know when it is. And you don¡¯t get them all approved in one day, they become invalid. You¡¯re not supposed to be able to do this! Only I get to decide when people get de-processed!¡±


    ¡°Why don¡¯t you calm down there, buddy? If they¡¯re all signed and properly filled out, don¡¯t you have to do what they say regardless of whether the process is designed to allow it or not?¡± I said.


    ¡°Technically, yes, but I¡¯m not happy about it. I¡¯ll be filing a complaint through HR against you, uh¡­¡± He looked at my shirt trying to find a name tag but I didn¡¯t have one.


    ¡°Dave,¡± I said, putting my hand out to shake. ¡°Nice to meet you.¡±


    ¡°Paul,¡± he said, shaking my hand. ¡°Nice to meet you too, I guess. Why aren¡¯t you wearing your name tag? Regulation states that everyone has to wear their name tag while at work.¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t work here, that¡¯s why. I¡¯m a visitor,¡± I said.


    ¡°You¡¯re telling me a visitor filled out all these forms and got them all signed by the appropriate people in one day? I don¡¯t believe it,¡± he said, looking defeated.


    ¡°Believe it or not, the evidence is right in front of your eyes,¡± I said.


    ¡°I suppose it is,¡± he said. He dropped the stack of papers into a bin marked ¡°To be filed¡± and stepped out from behind the desk. Stepping out from behind the desk made him lose a whole foot in height and I looked down at him when he said, ¡°Follow me.¡±


    We followed the short red demon through the aisles of cubicles as he turned left and right and left and right again. We eventually came to a cubicle with a pale woman wearing a black and red pinstripe pantsuit with her black hair in a bun behind her head. She was filling out paperwork faster than I¡¯d ever seen. She saw the processing employee and said, ¡°Can I go home now? I¡¯ve been filling out paperwork for hours!¡±


    ¡°Yes, you can go home. Thanks to these people. You should be thankful you¡¯ve only been filling out paperwork for hours. Some people have been here for years!¡± He said.


    ¡°That¡¯s disgusting,¡± I said.


    ¡°It¡¯s not disgusting. It¡¯s bureaucracy,¡± he said.


    ¡°Same thing,¡± I said. I looked at presumably Lilith and said, ¡°Come with us. We¡¯re here to bust you out.¡±


    ¡°Ok, thanks,¡± she said. ¡°I suppose introductions will have to wait until we¡¯re outside?¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s probably safer that way,¡± I said.


    We began to walk away from the bureaucratic employee. ¡°You¡¯ll be sorry! Bureaucracy could save your life someday!¡±


    ¡°I¡¯ll believe it when I see it,¡± I said dismissively.


    We walked back the way we came, and I received a text on my phone. ¡°This is Margaret. Is this Dave? I can¡¯t wait to go on our date!¡±


    Aww. She was cute. I liked it when women were eager. There¡¯s nothing worse than an unenthusiastic date. Why did we go on a date if you were going to play with your food and complain all night about your ex?


    I was about to type out a reply message when we passed the front desk. She peeked her head over the counter and said, ¡°Did you get my text?¡±


    ¡°Yes, Margaret. I look forward to our date too. I was just about to text you back,¡± I said.


    ¡°Oh, good! Let me know when you¡¯re free this week,¡± she said.


    ¡°Will do!¡± I said as we walked out the front door.


    ¡°When did you get her number?¡± Lucifer said.


    ¡°Earlier,¡± I said.


    ¡°Ask her if she likes devil¡¯s threesomes,¡± he said.


    ¡°I am not asking her that!¡± I said. I texted her, ¡°I might be free tomorrow. I¡¯m doing this whole saving the world thing right now, but I should be done with it by tomorrow.¡±


    ¡°If tomorrow doesn¡¯t work, can you do later in the week?¡± She replied.


    ¡°I¡¯m not sure. I may or may not be dead later in the week. The devil is supposed to kill me at 7 tomorrow,¡± I said.


    ¡°Ooo ouch. Yeah, that might hinder us a little bit. 7 am or pm?¡± She replied.


    ¡°PM,¡± I said.


    ¡°I can do 4 tomorrow. Early dinner, late lunch?¡± She replied.


    ¡°Sounds great! Where do you want to go?¡± I said.


    ¡°You pick! XP,¡± she said.


    ¡°I¡¯m from Earth. I don¡¯t know Hell restaurants,¡± I said.


    ¡°Ok, how about the IRS Cafe?¡± she said.


    ¡°The IRS has a cafe down here?¡± I said.


    ¡°Different IRS. Its full name is The Infernal Restaurant Service Cafe. XD,¡± she said.


    ¡°I see. That makes sense. Sure! It¡¯s a date!¡± I said.


    ¡°Ok. Meet me outside of work at 4 since you don¡¯t know where to go and I assume you don¡¯t have a hellphone,¡± she said.


    ¡°No, I do not have a hellphone. Not yet at least,¡± I said.


    ¡°Ok. See you soon!¡± She said.


    ¡°Are you done texting? We have a bank to rob,¡± Lucifer said.


    ¡°We¡¯re not robbing the bank! We¡¯re unrobbing it. I think,¡± Dave said.


    ¡°I don¡¯t care what we do as long as we save the world at the end,¡± Raphael said.


    ¡°Introductions, please! I want to know who I¡¯m traveling with before we teleport somewhere,¡± Lilith said.


    ¡°Fine! I¡¯m the Devil! Nice to meet you! Again!¡± He said exasperated.


    Lilith¡¯s eyes went wide, and she fell to her knees and bowed her head to the ground. ¡°My lord! I¡¯m so sorry! I didn¡¯t recognize you in your human form.¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s ok. I can understand the mistake,¡± Lucifer said.


    Lilith turned to me. ¡°Hi. I¡¯m Dave. I¡¯m in a bet with the Devil that he can¡¯t kill me at 7 pm tomorrow, but in the meantime, I¡¯m helping him save the world.¡±


    She shook my hand. ¡°Nice to meet you, Dave. I¡¯m Lilith. Demon queen and all-around bitch. I hope you win your bet, though I don¡¯t think you will. No one beats the Devil.¡± She turned to Raphael. ¡°And you are?¡±


    ¡°I am the archangel, Raphael,¡± Raphael said, bowing his head. ¡°I am pleased to make your acquaintance. I¡¯ve heard a lot about you.¡±


    ¡°Nothing good, I hope,¡± she said. ¡°Nice to meet you too, Raphael. Ok, now that we¡¯re all introduced, can we have a team meeting?¡±


    I looked back at the Fortress of Bureaucracy and noticed some demons come out of the front carrying weapons. They pointed at us and started running toward us.


    ¡°Hey, guys, I think we¡¯re about to be attacked,¡± I said, pointing at the demons.


    ¡°I¡¯d say that¡¯s a fair assessment,¡± Raphael said, looking.


    ¡°Where can we go that¡¯s safe? My place is probably crawling with demons,¡± Lilith said.


    ¡°Mine too. Now that they know, I know about their plot to end the world,¡± Lucifer said.


    ¡°Let¡¯s go to my place! I¡¯m a nobody! No one will expect it,¡± I said.


    ¡°Sounds good, buddy,¡± Lucifer said, putting his hand on my shoulder. He snapped his fingers, and we disappeared.


    We didn¡¯t appear in my apartment. We were falling through a dark space, but I could see everyone else in the group falling next to me.


    ¡°Where are we?¡± I yelled.


    ¡°I don¡¯t know!¡± Lucifer yelled back.


    Well, that wasn¡¯t good.

 Chapter 6: Sarah

    We fell through the dark endlessly. Wind whipped through our hair and burned our eyes. "What are we going to do?" I yelled.


    "I don''t know!" Lilith yelled. "Why are you looking at me?"


    "Because you''re in front of where my face is pointing?" I yelled, shrugging.


    "This isn''t helping!" Raphael yelled.


    "Someone do something! Dave! Figure it out! You always have an answer!" Lucifer said.


    He was right. I always seemed to have a solution to every problem lately. I just had to think. At least we had endless time. We weren''t going anywhere and there didn''t seem to be a bottom to whatever this was. We needed an escape. And then I had an idea.


    "Raph! Can we use that corridor of Gostelf here to escape?" I said hopefully.


    Raphael shook his head. "There has to be a wall that can be turned into a door."


    "Damn it! That was my one idea," I said. If only we had a wall. Wait, how did I know there wasn''t a wall? We hadn''t moved in any direction except down. How did I know that this just went on forever in all directions? The answer was I didn''t. I looked at everyone. "I have a new idea. We''re going to hold hands and just float sideways as far as we can go to see if there is a side to this endless falling tunnel."


    "That''s not a bad idea!" Raph said.


    "There you go, Dave! I knew you wouldn''t let us down!" Lucifer said.


    "Let''s just hope it works," Lilith said.


    "Ever the optimist," Lucifer said.


    "What''s wrong with being practical?" Lilith said.


    "Guys! Focus! We need to hold hands," Raph said.


    We fumbled around a bit until we formed a circle. "Now everyone, lean toward me!" I said.


    We all leaned and started to drift in a direction. Nothing happened for a good while. We just kept drifting. Suddenly, I fell and hit concrete with my face. "Ow!" I said. "Lucifer! You didn''t turn my invincibility back on?"


    "I forgot to¡ªWhoa!" Lucifer said as he fell and smashed his face into the concrete.


    "Watch out for the drop!" I yelled, as Raph and Lilith fell.


    "Ah!" Lilith said, putting her hands down and slamming them into the ground.


    "Oh, geez!" Raph said as he tumbled and rolled on the ground. Lucky bastard.


    I didn''t know how far we fell, but the impact wasn''t terminal velocity like it should have been. It was a hard fall, but it felt like the impact from a 10-foot fall. Not thousands of feet like it should have been. Everything was dark, so I couldn''t see much around me except my companions.


    Lucifer snapped his fingers, and a light floated above us, illuminating the darkness.


    "You could do that the whole time?" I said.


    "Yeah, I just didn''t think we needed a light. We could see each other just fine," he said.


    "Can you make it brighter?" I said. "I want to figure out what was going on with the endless falling and then suddenly concrete."


    "Sure," he said. He sent the light up higher and made it brighter.


    It illuminated a massive room. I couldn''t see the edges. It just faded into darkness. However, right next to us was a curving metal wall that hummed slightly when I put my ear against it. I climbed up onto it and saw a wide circular grating and wind blasted me in the face. I almost fell back onto the concrete it was so strong. It was a fan. An enormous fan, hundreds of feet wide. That''s why it felt like we were falling forever. We were being blown up into the air by the fan to simulate falling. They had things like this at skydiving schools to teach people how to maneuver their bodies while falling out of the sky.


    It was a trick. A trick to keep us in one place. To keep us distracted. And it worked. It would have worked much longer if it hadn''t been for my quick thinking. The next question was, how did they get us here? I looked through the grating and the spinning fan blades and saw strange markings and geometric patterns etched into the concrete below and painted with blood.


    "Hey, Lucifer," I said. "What is that?" I pointed at the patterns and markings.


    He had to climb onto the fan to see. His eyes widened. "It''s a devil''s trap. That''s why we ended up here rather than your apartment. It redirected my teleportation. That''s what devil''s traps do. I can''t teleport us anywhere except here now until this trap is destroyed. And with a massive multi-ton fan sitting on top of it, that won''t be happening anytime soon."


    "That''s ok. We can still use the Gostelf corridor," I said, putting my hand on his shoulder.


    "You don''t understand. I''m naked without my teleportation. It''s like wanting to have sex, but not being able to. I have ED now," he said, pouting.


    "What does ED stand for in this context?" I said, confused.


    "Extra-liminal Dysfunction," he said, almost in tears.


    "Get over it, you big baby! We''ll find some way to fix it, but first, we have to make sure we''re safe. If someone trapped us here, it''s likely they don''t have good intentions," I said.


    Strange guttural sounds pierced the quiet. Vowels and consonants that shouldn''t and don''t exist in any human language. "KTHULHU R''LYEH WGAH''NAGL-" A mass of tentacles emerged from the shadows towering above us. "BUSINALL VEEGOTH SHYA-achoo!" The tentacle monster erupted into a fit of sneezes and coughs that echoed through the massive, as of yet unknown sized room.


    There was the sound of someone wiping their noise and then, in a normal if hoarse human sounding voice, it said, "Does anyone have a tissue? I''ve been dealing with this cold all week! It''s been a nightmare!"


    "No offense, but you''re a nightmare," I said.


    "Offense taken, my friend. Can''t you look past appearances and see the heart of gold I have inside?" He said pleadingly.


    "Uh, no? We''ve just met," I said.


    "I have a tissue!" Raphael said. "Here!" He held out an unopened bag of tissues into the air. A long black tentacle snatched the bag and brought it back to the body of the monster.


    "Thank you," it said. I heard it blow its nose. "That''s much better."


    "Are you saying you''re not here to harm us?" I asked.


    "No, I am," he said.


    "So then I judged you appropriately. What are you giving me flak for?" I said, throwing my hands up.


    "Just because I''m a violent monster compelled to bring doom and despair to all that I meet, doesn''t mean I want to be seen that way," it said.


    "Tough shit!" I said.


    My words were punctuated by the sound of a wall exploding in the darkness.


    "Bring the light a little closer," a voice said.


    Lucifer moved the light, so it shined on a hole in the wall, where a woman stood proudly on top of a piece of rubble, holding a flaming sword, like she was posing for a movie poster. I recognized this woman. Her name was Sarah. She was the ex of mine who semi-recently moved out of my apartment. Well, it was ''our apartment'' at the time. Now it''s ''my apartment''.Unlawfully taken from Royal Road, this story should be reported if seen on Amazon.


    "Sarah! What are you doing here?" I said, shocked.


    "I''m here to pay you back for what you did for me. Or what you will do for me in the future. I''m from the future is what I''m saying and I''m here to rescue you from this monster!" She said.


    Sarah leaped into action. She jumped over the monster, doing a flip in the air, and stabbed it when she landed on the other side. The monster caught fire from the sword and shrieked. Its tentacles wildly lashed out at her, but she dodged them all with a series of flips, side steps, cartwheels, and bending impossibly backwards without falling down. After her nimble display of acrobatics, she began slicing off the tentacles that came at her one by one.


    "What are you doing?" The monster said. "Stop!"


    After she had sliced off the last tentacle, she ran up to the blob-like monster and stabbed it all the way through. It fully caught on fire from this and shrieked as it burnt to death. Sarah climbed on top of the still somewhat burning creature and did another hero pose before going, "Ow! Hot! Hot! Hot!" as she jumped off the smouldering corpse.


    "Was that necessary?" I said.


    "Of course! He was going to kill you!" she said.


    "I''m not so sure. He said he was here to harm us, but he made no moves to do so. Also, how do you know it was a he?" I said.


    "Slip of the tongue," she said.


    "Wait. None of this makes sense. If you''re from the future, because of something I will do for you, that means we would have gotten out of this situation without your help. So you showing up was completely unnecessary," I said.


    "But I just saved you. You saw that!" She said, pointing at the corpse.


    "Also, our break up ended rather badly. How am I supposed to believe you''re here to help me?" I said, putting my hands on my hips.


    "Damn it, Dave! You always were too smart for your own good," she said. She lunged at me and stabbed me with her sword. It hurt. It felt like my insides were burning because they were.


    "Dave!" Lucifer said.


    "Ouch," I said. She kicked me off her sword as Lucifer, Lilith, and Raphael charged at her. From the ground, I watched them face off against her.


    "That''s Azrael''s sword! How did she get it?" Raphael said, summoning a sword made of light.


    "I don''t know?" Lucifer said. "Why don''t you ask her?" He focused and covered his hands in darkness that turned into clawed gauntlets. He used them to deflect and block her sword.


    Lilith summoned a whip made of flames that she fought with. "Stop arguing and kill her!"


    Raphael crossed swords with Sarah. They were evenly matched. I had no idea when Sarah got so good with a sword, but she was kicking ass. I shook my head. I shouldn''t be rooting for the person who stabbed me.


    They got stuck in a sword lock, pushing swords against each other. Raphael had the upper hand in strength at first, pushing her sword close to her own throat, but then Raph''s sword started to crack. Spider web cracks etched themselves through his sword, made of light. He tried to cut her throat before his sword broke, but he was too late. His sword shattered and Azrael''s sword cut through Raphael like a hot knife through butter. It took a few seconds, but Raph''s head slid off his body and plopped to the ground, a look of shock frozen on his face. His body followed soon after.


    "Ahhh!!!" Lucifer ran in and engaged Sarah close range while Lilith whipped at her at long range. "How dare you kill my brother! Only I''m allowed to do that!"


    Lucifer swiped left and right, but Sarah blocked every blow. He went high, low, middle, left, and right, but she was already there every time. It didn''t make any sense. Lucifer was an angel, or former angel, why couldn''t he just out speed her?


    Then, all the blocking jostled her enough that something fell out of her shirt. It was a chain. It had multiple medallions hanging from it. One was an hourglass, another was a heart with a jagged line through the middle, the third was the head of a goat, and the last was the symbol of a sword. That must have been what was making her so strong. Each medallion must give her different powers. The hourglass for time travel, the goat''s head for either countering demons or gaining the power of a demon, the sword for her sword skills, and the broken heart for I don''t know what. I get that it symbolized her anger towards me, but I couldn''t think of what ability it would give her.


    "Why am I fighting you?" Lucifer said, while jumping back. "I can just charm you!" He grinned and stared at her.


    Sarah suddenly went still and stopped fighting. Lucifer grinned wider and said, "Come here." Sarah started walking towards him and stood in front of him. He put his claws up to her throat and said, "That''s better. It was nice meeting you. I''m sorry we have to part ways so soon."


    "Me too," Sarah said and stabbed Lucifer in the stomach.


    He fell to the ground and looked up at her. "How did you do that?"


    Sarah tapped the goat''s head medallion. "Anti-demon charm. Your abilities don''t work on me."


    "Damn you," Lucifer said, closing his eyes and breathing out for a long time.


    "No. Damn you," Sarah said with a chuckle. "You''ve already been damned, so I guess that''s unnecessary."


    "Damn you!" Lilith said as she swung her whip at Sarah.


    Sarah blocked it with her sword, and it wrapped around the blade. Lilith tried to pull it out of her hands, but Sarah held on tight. She focused and the flame whip began to get drawn into the sword. The sword was absorbing the whip, and pulled Lilith along with it. Lilith tried to pull the whip out, but it was useless. When she got close, the sword began drawing Lilith into it.


    "Noooo!!!" Lilith roared as she was sucked into the sword in a puff of black smoke.


    "Fuck," I said. I needed to get up. I needed to avenge my new friends. Acquaintances? I didn''t know what they were to me, but I knew somewhere deep down I could never forgive myself if I didn''t try to make their sacrifices mean something.


    I could feel the weight on my karmic scales. I had a boon coming when I rebalanced things. I just hoped it would be enough to defeat her. I pressed the mental button and waited. At first, nothing happened, until Lucifer opened his eyes and said, "Ah!! Adrenaline!!" He grabbed Sarah''s foot and yanked hard. She fell to the ground and dropped the sword.


    It bounced over to where I was lying on the ground. "I''m turning it back on, Dave." He snapped his fingers, and I felt better all of a sudden. The invincibility had come back. I looked at my stab wound. It wasn''t bleeding. The burning sword had cauterized the wound, so I wouldn''t bleed out, but I''d probably still die from complications if I didn''t get medical attention soon. But at least I was invincible to further damage.


    I could probably kill myself with the sword and win the bet now. Azrael''s sword could probably get through the invincibility, but what would be the point of that? Sure, I''d win the bet, but the world would be doomed. What was the point of winning if I couldn''t enjoy it? No. I had to save the world and avenge my acquaintances. That was the only option.


    I pressed the sword against the ground to help me stand up, but it sank into the concrete some. Oh shit. I didn''t realize this thing was that powerful. I stood up on my own and pulled the sword out of the ground. I wielded it with both hands and pointed it at Sarah.


    "You killed my acquaintances. So now I''m going to kill you. I think," I said.


    "Is that the best you got?" she said.


    "I didn''t think our relationship was that bad. Why are you doing this?" I said.


    "You ruined my life!" She said.


    "How?" I said.


    Sarah hated her job and told me so every day when we lived together. One day, she got fired. Then she complained all day every day about not having a job.


    I said, "Go get a job then."


    "It''s not that easy!" She said.


    "Sure it is. You go down to the grocery store and ask for a job. If they say no, then go to another grocery store or a fast food place or a gas station," I said, taking a diet soda out of the fridge.


    "No. It has to be in supply chain management. That''s what I went to school for," she said, holding her head in her hands.


    I sat down on the couch next to her and put my hand on her shoulder.


    "Well, are you getting any replies back for those kinds of jobs?" I said.


    "No! They all say I''m either too qualified or not qualified enough!" She said, throwing her hands up in frustration.


    "I get that it sucks you can''t get a job in your field, but any job is better than no job. I can''t afford to support both of us on my salary. As long as you help with your half of rent, I''ll cover the rest," I said.


    I really couldn''t cover her half of the rent. I could cover everything else like I said, but not the entire rent and everything else.


    She moved out a few days later. Said she was going to live with her mom. Said she couldn''t deal with me anymore. I didn''t understand it. I thought our relationship was fine.


    I snapped back to the present. "You tried to control me!"


    "By asking you to get a job? By saying I couldn''t cover all our expenses? In what world is that controlling?" I said.


    "In my world it is!" She yelled.


    "Well, I''m sorry. I never wanted to make you feel that way. I just did what I thought would help us both survive," I said, swinging the burning sword at her.


    "Oh, really? You''re not the evil man that I built you up to be in my head?" Her expression softened and showed vulnerability.


    "I don''t think I am. I just wanted what was best for both of us. I loved you Sarah. I was crushed when you left. I didn''t know what I had done wrong, but I would have done anything to get you back," I said.


    "Really? I thought you hated me for being a drain on your resources. That you wanted me to get a job or leave," she said.


    "Hell no. I would have stuck it out with you even if you never got a job. It just would have been tight, money wise, and that scared me. I was worried we''d starve or go homeless. That''s all," I said.


    Sarah put her against my face and said, "Oh, Dave. I''m sorry. I don''t know what I was thinking."


    Then her heart medallion glowed purple and purple electricity crackled along her body and shocked her. It even shocked me some, before she pulled her hand away from my face. When it shocked me, I felt an overwhelming hatred towards her. I started to feel every tiny thing I disliked about our relationship bubble up and become enormous in my mind. It became all I could think about, and then it was gone.


    Is that what the medallion was doing to her? Was she being controlled by something or someone to act this way? It was the only conclusion I could come to. That was horrible.


    Sarah looked at me again with hatred in her eyes. "It''s too late for apologies. What''s done is done," she said. She tried to punch me but it did no damage to me and hurt her hand. "What is your face made of? Rocks?" She shook her hand out in pain.


    "Maybe?" I said. I swung the sword several more times, trying to cut the chain and free her of the pain the heart medallion was causing her, but I accidentally got her in the arm slightly, and that was it.


    She held the hourglass medallion and summoned a portal, presumably to the future, but I didn''t know for sure. "You may have won this time, but I''ll be back!" She jumped backwards into the portal.


    "No! Sarah! Don''t leave!" I said.


    The portal closed behind her. I started to feel pain in my abdomen that spread throughout my body. I collapsed to the ground in pain and curled into the fetal position. I stayed like that for a while.

 Chapter 7: Stranded

    I woke up on the ground with Lucifer offering his hand to pick me up. "Hey, buddy. You alright?"


    I looked up at him and took his hand. "I feel fine. I assume you healed me?" Lucifer pulled me to my feet. I grabbed Azrael''s sword off the ground and I looked at my torso. The hole in my shirt was still there, but the wound was gone.


    "Yep. Healed myself too. If I''m being honest, I faked dying so she wouldn''t finish me off. I didn''t want to leave you all alone after you defeated her. Which I had full confidence you would do," he said.


    "Yeah, right. I see you''re not above white lies," I said.


    "They''re called ''fibs'' and they don''t qualify as real lies because they''re not intended to be taken seriously. They just give the person fibbing plausible deniability because they didn''t actually admit the truth," he said.


    "Right. You keep telling yourself that," I said.


    "Don''t worry, I will," the Devil grinned wide.


    "So what now? Raphael''s dead and Lilith is trapped in the sword. We can''t stop the bank heist if we don''t know where it is and Lilith is presumably the only person who knows," I said.


    "She can just tell us through the sword," he said.


    "Wait, why do you talk so much like me?" I said. "Your speech patterns are very similar to mine. What''s that about?"


    "Oh, I adopt the speech patterns of people I''m in a bet or competition with. It makes them more relaxed and more likely to trust me and let their guard down. And that''s when I strike!" He said all proud of himself.


    "You must be really proud of yourself. Taking advantage of and manipulating people. Must make you feel a real big man," I said.


    "You know what? I do. I really do," he said wistfully.


    "You''re such an asshole," I said.


    "You take that back!" Lucifer said.


    "I won''t take something back when it''s true!" I said.


    "Ahhhh!!!" Lucifer yelled as he tackled me to the ground. Azrael''s sword went flying. Lucifer got on top of me and started slapping me. "Take it back!"


    "No!" I said, putting my hands up in front of my face.


    "Stop that! Take your beating like a man!" He said, trying to pull my hands away from my face.


    "I bet you wouldn''t if you were in my position," I said, slapping him instead.


    "I don''t have to because I''m not a man!" Lucifer said, holding hands with my hands and struggling.


    "If you''re not a man, then what are you?" I said, smashing our hands together to try to hurt him.


    "I''m a fallen angel. We don''t have genders," he said, bending my hands backwards at angles they weren''t supposed to go. It didn''t hurt since I was invincible, though.


    "Wait, so you''re like a ken doll down there?" I said, headbutting him.


    "No, I have a penis," he said, returning the headbutt. "And balls."


    "Wait, then, how are you not a man?" I asked, kicking him off me.


    "I am not defined by my genitals!" He yelled as he dove at me.


    "I guess I don''t disagree with you!" I yelled as I kicked him off and pushed him back into the air and behind me.


    "Good! We''re in agreement that I''m not an asshole," he said as he landed on his back behind me.


    "I didn''t say that!" I said, getting up and turning around.


    My eyes widened as I saw Azrael''s sword was stuck in the ground between Lucifer''s legs. Its proximity to his aforementioned penis and balls was not what concerned me. What concerned me is that it was sinking into the ground vertically.


    "Grab it!" I yelled, pointing at the sword. I was ten feet away. Much too far to grab it myself. It would sink into the ground by the time I got there.


    "Ok, I guess," Lucifer grabbed his crotch.


    "That''s not what I meant," I said. "Grab the sword!"


    "I just did," he said, looking down at his crotch. That''s when he noticed the sword sinking into the ground. His eyes widened as he realized the implications. "Oh, shit!" He tried to grab it, but it was too late. The sword had sunk too far into the ground to pull it out. Only a small portion of the hilt was sticking out. Lucifer grabbed it with his fingertips but he couldn''t get a good grip on such a small portion of the sword and it sank the rest of the way into the ground and disappeared.


    "Fuck!" I said, holding my head.


    "Fuck!" Lucifer said, grabbing his crotch again.


    "Why is that the first thing you grab when the worst thing possible happens?" I asked.


    "It''s reassuring," he said.


    "Reassuring how?" I said.


    "Reassuring that at least I still have my boys with me," he said.


    "You''re weird," I said.


    "I take that as a compliment," he said.


    "Take it however you want. We need to get that sword back! Who makes a sword where the hilt is the same width as the blade?" I said. "Not only is our only lead trapped in it, but it''s also our only way to destroy the devil''s trap. Who knows where we are now? We could be trapped in the middle of a desert for all we know. That would leave us stranded. We can''t use the Gostelf corridor because Raphael was the only one who knew how to access it. And now he''s dead! We''re fucked!"


    "You don''t know that we''re in a desert. We could be in the city somewhere," he said.


    "Let''s find out. Sarah blew a hole through a wall over there. Let''s take that and see if it leads outside," I said, pointing into the dark in the direction I remembered the hole being.


    "There''s no light coming from it. That''s not a good sign. Maybe it''s nighttime?" He said.


    We walked over to the hole and walked through. Lucifer pulled his overhead light through the hole. It was dark out and we were standing on asphalt. There were no lights or buildings to be seen anywhere, which also wasn''t a good sign. I started walking in a straight line away from the building, and Lucifer followed.This narrative has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. If you see it on Amazon, please report it.


    "Where are you going?" He said.


    "I''m trying to see if the asphalt leads to street or a road or what I fear, sand and shrubbery," I said as we came upon the point where the asphalt ended. It ended where sand and shrubbery began. "Shit. It''s a desert. We''re trapped in a fucking desert miles away from civilization at night.


    "Hey, at least we''re not in a desert in the daytime," he said.


    As if to punctuate his statement, the sky began to become markedly brighter.


    "Oh no," I said.


    "What?" Lucifer said, apparently not noticing it.


    "It''s about to be daytime very soon," I said. "Look at the sky."


    "Shit, you''re right. We better get moving then," he said. He began walking out onto the sand.


    "What are you doing?" I said.


    "What do you mean? We need to get to civilization somehow," he said.


    "Just because it''s a building in the middle of nowhere doesn''t mean it doesn''t have a parking lot or a road to get here. If we take the road, we''re more likely to reach civilization faster," I said.


    "Oh, right," he said, smacking his forehead. "Duh."


    "We just need to walk around the building to find the road leading here," I said.


    "Right," he said. "Let''s do that then. Left or right?"


    "Left," I said.


    "Why left?" He asked.


    "Because it''s the first thing that popped into my mind. Does it matter? Either way, we''ll get where we''re going," I said.


    "Well, I want to go right. I''m still upset with you and I need a moment alone," he said.


    "That''s fair I guess. You go right, I''ll go left," I said. I started walking left.


    "What if I want to go left?" He said.


    "Now you''re just being obnoxious," I said.


    "You''re right. I am. You got a problem with that?" He said.


    "No, I guess not. Just don''t get lost," I said, walking right.


    Lucifer walked left, taking the floating light with him and leaving me without a light to guide my steps. I threw my hands up. "Great. Just great. One of the most powerful beings in existence is throwing a pity party for himself, and I''m stuck in the dark."


    The sky was starting to get light enough and my eyes were adjusting to the dark to the point that I could mostly see, so it wasn''t as big of a problem as I thought it would be, but I was still annoyed. Why was he acting like such a baby? He was an asshole. He was the Devil, for Christ''s sake! He was literally famous for being an asshole.


    Wait! My karmic rebalancing ability. Maybe I could get the sword back! I internally pressed the mental button that activated the ability and the scales snapped back into balance. A solid metal black flashlight appeared in my hand and it was on. Wow! That''s all the juice I had in the tank? A flashlight so I could see in the dark? Now that was just disappointing. I mean, I guess I didn''t earn much karma by slap fighting the devil. And my invincibility was on, so I didn''t get hurt at all. Speaking of getting hurt, my jaw still hurt from when Raphael and Lucifer punched me. I guess his heals had to be targeted. They weren''t fix alls.


    How were we going to get the sword back? For all I knew, it was traveling towards the center of the earth. I needed to ask Lucifer about that when we met up around the side of the building. I walked around the side of the large rectangular building, pointing my flashlight at the building every so often. There wasn''t anything peculiar or interesting about it other than it was a building in the middle of the desert. But that wasn''t that strange. I''d seen building seemingly in the middle of nowhere while driving before. Everyone has. Didn''t know what they were for, but I didn''t ask questions and as far as I knew, no one else did either.


    As I thought more about it on a personal level, I could understand why he didn''t like being labeled as an asshole so badly. I mean, I wouldn''t like it. Just because a person has done a lot of wrong, didn''t mean they enjoyed being called an asshole all of a sudden. And those kinds of things tended to wear on a person. The more you get called something negative, the more it wears on you until you finally snap. Maybe this was just his snapping moment. I''m sure he''d been called that a lot over the many years he''s been alive. The media painted him that way. Just because it was right didn''t mean it didn''t hurt him.


    When I came around the side of the building, I saw a small parking lot with two cars parked in the lot. The best I could guess is they belonged to Sarah and the tentacle monster. I don''t know how such a massive thing could fit into a car to drive, but one of the cars was a pickup. Maybe it sat in the back.


    I saw Lucifer come around the corner of the building shortly after I did. He didn''t look as upset as he did before. Maybe he had time to cool off like I did.


    When we got within speaking distance, I said, "I''m sorry I called you an asshole."


    "It''s all good, bro. I am an asshole. I just don''t like to admit it," Lucifer said.


    "I get it, man. Now, what you say we go hot wire a car real quick?" I said, pointing at the pickup.


    "You know how to do that?" He said.


    "Don''t you?" I said.


    "No. Why would I know that?" He said.


    "But you''re the Devil. Aren''t you supposed to be good at everything, especially mischief?" I said.


    "That''s largely exaggerated. I''m just a fallen angel. Nothing more, nothing less. If anything, I''m less skilled than most people, because I don''t spend much time on Earth. Believe or not, being the Devil is a full-time job. They''re probably running around like chickens with their heads cut off down there without me." He said.


    "Then how are going to hot-wire this car?" I said.


    "I thought you were going to do it." Lucifer said.


    "I don''t know how to do that. I''m a degenerate gambler with a minor ability to read people. I''m not a car thief." I said.


    "Then I guess we aren''t hot-wiring a car," Lucifer said. He paused for a beat, then he said, "Try the visor trick!"


    "The what now?" I said.


    "You know the thing where the hero jumps into a car and the keys are in the visor?" He said.


    I stared at him incredulously. "You think that happens in real life?" I said.


    "Just try it. For me?" He said, putting his hands together pleadingly.


    "Fine," I said. I tried opened both cars. Both were locked. "They''re locked. Guess your visor trick didn''t pan out."


    "Break the windows," he said.


    "You think they would lock the cars with the keys behind the visor?" I said, staring at him, shocked.


    "I guess not. I didn''t really think that one through," he said.


    "Clearly. I guess we''re walking," I said. "Wait. Maybe we can use my karmic rebalancing ability. Beat me up and make it hurt."


    "Didn''t I already do that?" He said.


    "I won that fight and you know it," I said.


    "Fine," he said, snapping his fingers. He got into a fighting stance. "Wahhh!!! Hiya!" He punched me in the chest, sending me flying and tumbling along the ground.


    "Are those sound effects really necessary?" I said, getting up.


    "No, but I do it anyway, because they''re fun and they make me feel like I''m in a kung fu movie. Watahh!!" He punched me again, sending me flying again and tumbling on the ground.


    "This is taking a lot longer than I expected," I said, coughing up blood. "Wait! Wait! I''m coughing up blood. That can''t be good."


    "It certainly isn''t," he said, waving his hand over me, healing me. "I can''t have you dying on me and winning that bet."


    "Of course, that''s the first thing you think of," I said. "I''m going to try the karmic rebalancing thing now."


    I held my hand out and pressed the mental button, preparing for a set of keys to fall into my hand. I was not prepared for what actually fell into my hand. Ten thousand dollars. A nice neat rather small stack of cash.


    "Ok, that helps nothing," I said, staring at it.


    "Want me to beat you up again?" Lucifer said, cracking his knuckles.


    "No, I''m good. The first time was unpleasant enough. Let''s just walk," I said.


    There was a road leading out of the parking lot and off into the desert. We started walking. As we were walking, I said, "How are we even going to get the sword back? It''s probably halfway to China by now."


    "If we''re lucky, the Mole People will have it," he said.


    "The who?" I said.


    "The Mole People," he said.


    "Oh, yeah. Why didn''t I think of that?" I said.


    "I don''t know. Why didn''t you think of it?" He said.


    "Because Mole People don''t exist!" I said.


    "Yes they do," he said.


    "They do?" I said, raising an eyebrow.


    "Sure they do. My father made them when he was building the underground atmosphere generators. Someone has to maintain them," he said.


    "There are underground atmosphere generators? Couldn''t God just wave his magic hands and make the atmosphere exist?" I said.


    "First, don''t say that name in my presence. Second, then he would have to maintain the atmosphere with those same magic hands. Too much work," Lucifer said.


    "So he made Mole People whose sole job it is to maintain these generators?" I said, still not sure I believed him.


    "Yes," he said matter-of-factly.


    "Ok. How are we going to get down there?" I said.


    "The Subterranean Elevator, of course. Well, one of them. There are many," he said.


    "Ok. Are there any nearby?" I said.


    "How would I know? I don''t know where we are," he said.


    "Right. Don''t you have like internal GPS or something?" I said.


    "I do, but devil''s traps screw it up. I would call one of my fallen brothers to come pick us up, but devil''s traps work on all fallen angels, so they''re just as screwed as we are right now," he said.


    "We need to destroy that devil''s trap soon or they''ll get trapped out here too."


    "Wait, you''re not the only Devil?" I said.


    "No. I am the only Devil, but there are devils, lower-case d. It''s a title, but it''s also a category. Devil is a term used for all fallen angels," he said.


    "I feel like I''m learning so much right now," I said.


    "You are, but let''s shut that off for now. I want to let my mind rest while we walk. Too much is happening too fast, and I''m getting a little overwhelmed," Lucifer said.


    "Ok. Let''s walk then," I said.


    And we did. We walked for miles before hitting the first sign of civilization. It was a diner, of course. It was appropriately named the Nowhere Diner. Boy, was I happy to see it. I was glad I kept that $10,000, because before that I was flat broke. I was getting waffles!

 Chapter 8: The Nowhere Diner

    "This is the best thing since sliced Jesus!" The Devil said as he wolfed down pumpkin spice pancakes.


    I stared at him for a long time, eventually breaking the silence by saying, "What is wrong with you?"


    Lucifer looked up with pancake in his mouth. "What?" Bits of pancake exploded out of his mouth and onto his plate.


    "Don''t talk with your mouth full," I said. "Didn''t your mother teach you any manners?"


    "I don''t have a mother," he said, a single tear trailing down his cheek.


    "Oh, shit. I''m sorry," I said with genuine sympathy. I didn''t realize how untraditional his upbringing was. He wasn''t born. He was just created, fully grown. That must have been hell. I actually felt bad for him. It clearly did him no favors.


    Lucifer wiped the tear away. "It''s ok. I didn''t need one. I turned out alright."


    "Right," I said, not wanting to point out the many things wrong with that statement.


    The waitress walked up to our booth and said, "Coffee refill?"


    "Yes, please," I said, pushing my empty cup in her direction.


    "Thank you, uh, Doris," Lucifer said, making a point to look at her name tag. Just the thing he joked he would never do.


    I wondered how much of that was sincere thanks and how much of it was him just mimicking me to make me think we were bonding until he fucked me over like he had fucked over every other person who thought he was their friend. I would have to keep a close eye on him and try to stay emotionally detached. At least until I''d hopefully won the bet by some miracle. Or in this case, by some tragic accident, killing me before he can.


    "You''re welcome, hun," she said, pouring coffee for Lucifer and I.


    "This is going to sound strange, but where are we?" I asked Doris, the waitress.


    "That doesn''t sound strange at all," she said. "You''re in Nevada. The number one state for people to wake up after a wild night out and end up in. You missed Vegas by a bit, though."


    "If we''re not in Vegas, then where are we?" I said.


    "You''re in Beatty, Nevada. You missed the bright lights of Vegas by about two hours, and the skeezy brothels of Pahrump by about an hour. But hey, you''re on the way to Death Valley!"


    "Oh, great. Death is just the thing I need right now," I said.


    "I know hangovers suck, especially when you''re not 16 anymore and can bounce right back from a night of drinking, but you shouldn''t joke about death like that. It might actually sneak up on you if you''re not careful," Doris said.


    "I know, but if you knew the night we had, you''d understand. Wait, don''t you mean 21?" I said looking up at her from leaning exhaustedly on the table.


    "Nope," she said with a straight face. "Why don''t you hit me with it? I''m always up for adding new crazy stories to my collection."


    "Ok. I got stabbed and so did he," I pointed at Lucifer. "The hospital fixed us up and discharged us, but it was certainly a lot of pain and excitement I didn''t need. And the worst thing is, it was my ex-girlfriend that did it."


    "Wow! That is a wild night out. It''s not particularly extraordinary, especially the ex-girlfriend part, but certainly a new one in my book," she said, taking notes on her notepad. I''m pretty sure that was supposed to be used for customer orders, but who was I to question her use of her own notepad?


    "If you want extraordinary, I''ll tell you what she stabbed us with. A sword she had lit on fire!" I said.


    "Ok, that is extraordinary! Good job. Let me pick my jaw up off the floor real quick." She actually bent down to pick up her imaginary jaw from the floor. She wrote furiously in her notepad, then she leaned in. "Can I see the wounds?"


    "Sure," I said. I looked at Lucifer and said, "Lucy, let''s show her the wounds." I winked with my opposite eye so she couldn''t see it. I expected him to magically put bandages on us or something.


    Lucifer casually waved his hand and then lifted up his shirt. There was a burned stitched up vertical stab wound in his abdomen. I lifted my shirt up, and I had a similar wound to show her.


    Doris''s eye went wide, and she said, "Oh my God!" She reached out as if to touch our wounds and then pulled her hand back. "Those are real! Really real! How are you two even conscious? Did you take anything for the pain? Let me get you two some pies on the house. My daddy always said pie was good for the soul, and stab wounds."


    "Did he really say that?" Lucifer said.


    "Shut up you. Don''t you know not to tease a woman about her jokes?" I said.


    "No. No one taught me any manners, remember? I didn''t have a mom to do that. Remember?" He said.


    "Oh yeah. I forgot," I said.


    "He''s right, you know. You don''t tease women about their jokes. I''m sorry to hear your mother wasn''t in your life. That sounds worse than growing up without a father. Your mother is supposed to instill love into your heart. I can''t imagine what my life would be like without my mother," she said.


    "No, I mean I didn''t¡ª" Lucifer started to say.


    "How about that pie?" I said, interrupting him. "What flavors do you have?"


    "Too many," she said, smiling. "Just name a flavor, and I''ll tell you if we have it."


    "Ok. I''ll go with something simple. You have to have apple pie, right? I mean, what''s a collection of pies without apple? That''s like selling dress shirts in every color except white," I said.Unauthorized usage: this tale is on Amazon without the author''s consent. Report any sightings.


    "Right, you are, young man. We do have apple. Did you want that by itself or ¨¤ la mode?"


    "¨¤ la mode, please," I said, grinning at her.


    "Do you have anything spicy?" Lucifer asked.


    "You want spicy pie?" She said incredulously.


    "Oh. I meant more like pumpkin spicy. Those pancakes were delicious and I can''t get enough of this pumpkin spice stuff!"


    "Oh, that makes sense. Yeah, we have that. We have pumpkin spice everything right now. Tis the season to be Fall-y," she said.


    "I like what you did there," I said, pointing finger guns at her.


    "Thank you very much," she said, doing a light curtsy.


    I waited for a beat and then said, "Do you know of a bus or taxi service that could take us back to LA? We really did just wake up here without a car or any means of transportation."


    "No, sorry. We don''t have any taxis out here over even Uber, and the closest charter bus services are hours away in Vegas and I think in Reno too," she said with a worried look on her face. And her face lit up like a light bulb had gone off. "Actually, my cousin Tommy does long distance tow truck services. Maybe he''d give you a ride. For reasonable compensation, of course. I hope you didn''t wake up here without your wallet."


    "No, I have my wallet," I said, patting my pocket with the money in it. "I actually have cash on me, if that works better."


    "If we were in the city, I''d tell you to keep your voice down, unless you want someone to rob you, but out here in this peaceful little town, you''re fine. Yeah, cash would probably be preferable. No taxes that way," she said with a wink.


    "Of course," I said, laughing. "Well, that sounds great. When do you think we could get that ride? Do we need to wait til later after he''s off work or something?"


    "No, he sets his own hours. As long as he''s not doing a job right now, he can be around in twenty minutes, I''d say. Let me text him and find out," she said. "I''ll be right back." She walked into the back, pulling her phone out.


    "Good work," Lucifer said. "But we should go to Vegas instead."


    "Why? Because it''s called ''Sin City''?" I said.


    "No. Because that''s where the closest subterranean elevator is," he said. "Although her previous mention of brothels does have me a little worked up."


    "No. Stop that! Bad Lucifer! We''re not delaying saving Lilith and getting the sword back so you can visit a brothel and impregnate all the women there," I said.


    "Hey, I''m not a fool! I wrap my tool. I don''t want to pay child support," he said.


    "Regardless, it''s time we don''t have to spend," I said.


    "Fine. We''ll go straight to the elevator. Despite how fun it would be to manipulate your karma ability for financial gain," he said.


    "Yes, despite how fun it would be for you to beat the life out of me and exchange my misery and suffering for cash, we need to stay focused," I said. "I do love me a good gamble, but saving the world is far too important and pressing to waste time on that right now."


    "Wow. Look at you being responsible. My little man''s growing up," he said, putting his hand on my shoulder.


    "While I appreciate the encouragement, I feel obligated to say, you''re not my real dad and I''ll never call you my dad, so stop trying to make me," I said, laughing. Dumb jokes. Sometimes I couldn''t help myself.


    "Well, Dave, your mother and I have discussed it and we think you should call me Dad from now on," Lucifer said in a sterotypical dad''s voice, playing into my joke.


    "You two look like you''re having fun," Doris said, walking back up to our booth. "Have you been friends long?"


    "Oh, yeah. So long. Try last night," Lucifer said.


    "Yeah, we actually met at a Halloween party last night. That''s how we ended up in Nevada somehow," I said.


    "Oh. You know, sometimes chance meetings can lead to the longest friendships," she said. "My cousin Tommy says he can come right now."


    "That''s great! Minor change in destination. We need to get to Vegas. Apparently, we left some friends there we need to meet up with. But since I did initially say LA was our destination, what if I paid Tommy the same as I would if we were going to LA?" I said.


    "Wow! You don''t need to do that, but Tommy could really use the money. There really isn''t that much towing business in a town of 800 people," she said.


    "I understand," I said. "Let Tommy know we''re ready now." I got up and dropped $300 on the table. "That''s for the food, the coffee, the hospitality, and for saving our asses from being stranded in the middle of nowhere."


    Doris picked up the money and said, "Thanks! You do know your food was only $30, right?"


    "I know. The rest is your tip. Sorry, I didn''t give more," I said. "Actually, here you go. Do something nice for yourself or maybe put it towards your mortgage." I handed her $700 more. I would''ve given more, but I didn''t know what random expenses might come up during our investigation.


    "Wow! Thank you!" She said, hugging me. I didn''t expect it and I awkwardly patted her back.


    "No problem," I said. "I just happened to have the cash on me." Which was true. I didn''t have to mention that it technically wasn''t mine. Well, I guess it was now, but I had no idea where it came from.


    "God bless you," she said.


    Lucifer winced at the mention of the word. He stood up from the table as well.


    "I''m sure he does," I said. "Thank you."


    We walked out of the diner into the hot Nevada weather. We weren''t waiting more than a few minutes when a tow truck pulled up and the driver rolled down the window. "Are you fellas, the people I''m picking up?"


    "Yes, sir," I said.


    He was older, like Doris. They both seemed to be in their 50s. He had salt-and-pepper greying hair, and a well trimmed white beard. He wore a mechanic''s jumpsuit with the nametag "Tommy" on it. Lucifer and I squeezed into his truck. There was only one seat, but luckily, it was built to sit three. I handed Tommy $1,500, and his eyes bugged out.


    "$1,500 for a two-hour drive? Are you crazy?" He said, shaking the money.


    "Nope. Just, generous," I said.


    "You got that right," he said, putting the car in drive.


    It was a two-hour drive, like he said. We sat without speaking, listening to the radio play oldies the whole way. He dropped us off at a familiar location. It read, "The Last Temptation Casino."


    "Well, you fellas have a good day now, you hear?" Tommy said.


    "Thanks again," I said.


    "We appreciate it," Lucifer said, very lackluster.


    Good thing Tommy didn''t notice. He just nodded his head, smiled, and drove off into the sunset. Not literally. It was still morning. About 10 am, I would have guessed.


    "Meph has a subterranean elevator?" I said.


    "Yes. He''s one of the few people I can trust to guard one well," he said, straightening his tie. "Man, it was stuffy in there."


    "I didn''t think it was that bad, but to each their own, I guess," I said, shrugging.


    When we walked into the casino, the guards took us up to Mephistopheles'' office, but this time they weren''t as hostile. They understood we were welcome guests.


    Mephistopheles did his turning around in his chair routine again and said, "What brings you back so soon?"


    "I''ll tell you what brings us back so soon!" I yelled. Then softly, I said, "We need to borrow your elevator."


    "Which one?" He said.


    "You have others?" I said.


    "Let''s keep the other elevators need to know," Lucifer said. "We need to use your subterranean elevator."


    "Yeah, well, I need to know about these other elevators," I said.


    "Shush you. If you''re good, I might show them to you sometime," Lucifer said.


    "Will this be before or after you kill me?" I said.


    "Ugh. Just come on!" Lucifer said.


    Mephistopheles pulled out a key ring and opened what looked like a bookcase, but after he unlocked it, he slid it to the side to reveal a service elevator. As far as service elevators go, it was unremarkable other than being bright red. Then he put a key into the panel next to the elevator and turned the key to turn it on and open the door. I looked at the key and then at him suspiciously.


    He noticed my look. "Don''t worry. The elevator can''t be shut down when it''s down there. So you won''t get trapped."


    "But then you can just call the elevator up and shut it down," I said.


    "I won''t do that. Even if I did somehow do that, there are other subterranean elevators designed to bring people to the surface that can''t be shut down from the top," he said, smiling devilishly. Sorry. Demonically. I have to make sure I use the right terminology.


    Lucifer stepped inside and said, "Shall we?"


    "Sure," I said, stepping inside.


    There were only two buttons. ''L'' for ''Lobby'' and SB for ''Sub-Basement'', Lucifer told me. He pressed ''SB''. The doors closed, and we began to descend into the deep recesses of the earth.

 Chapter 9: The Mole People v. Dave

    After Lucifer pressed the button to take us to the sub-basement and the elevator door closed, the elevator rapidly accelerated down. It accelerated so quickly that I flew up and slammed against the ceiling. At the same time, Lucifer did a half backflip and landed with his feet on the ceiling. He stood up on the ceiling and stayed like that comfortably.


    "Ow," I said. "Why didn''t you tell me that would happen?"


    "It''s funnier this way," he said, pointing and laughing at me.


    "It''s good to know you have the maturity of a twelve-year-old," I said, standing up.


    We stayed that way for a few minutes before the elevator started to slow down and we gently drifted back to the floor. I awkwardly righted myself and stood back up as the elevator slowed to a stop and dinged. The door to the elevator opened and hot moist air wafted in. We stepped out onto a steel platform. I stared out into a vast darkness without a light in sight.


    Lucifer put something in my hands and said, "Wear these. The mole people don''t like bright lights, so I can''t use my floaty light down here."


    In the dim light from the open elevator door, I fumbled with what appeared to be night vision goggles. Once I had them securely fastened to my head, Lucifer flicked a switch on them and they turned on. I looked back out, away from the steel platform, and suddenly felt dizzy. We were hundreds of feet above the ground without a visible way down that I could see. Out in what was once just darkness, I could see massive generators running and producing steam. Mole people walked between the machines in semi-organized fashion.


    I had an overwhelming urge to hug them. They were so cute and small. They were about half my height and covered in soft fur. I heard a noise to my left and saw a platform lift rise up, level with the platform we were on. There were several mole people on the platform in work uniforms.


    They came up to us and the one in front said, "Hi. My name is Timothy, which I understand in your surface speak is pronounced ''Tim''. So you may call me Tim. To what do we owe the pleasure of the presence of surface dwellers in our humble work and living space?" He took his work hat off when he said this.


    "We wish to retrieve something that may have accidentally found its way down here through pure coincidence and no fault of our own," Lucifer said. He leaned in toward me. "Follow my lead and say nothing unless directly spoken to. They do things a little different down here. Understand?"


    "Understood," I said. He was acting very out of character for him. Like he was actually nervous of these people. It concerned me.


    "Oh. We have happened upon a strange and dangerous artifact that fell down here not too long ago. It appears to be some sort of weapon. Is this the ''something'' you to which you refer?" Tim said.


    "I apologize for my frankness, but it severely injured and crippled Jonathan, who you may call Jon. He can no longer work, so he will soon be put out of commission, instead of leaving him to slowly rot away in solitude for being lame and unuseful."


    "I''m sorry. Put out of commission? What do you mean?" I said.


    "Speak only when spoken to, I said!" Lucifer said to me, then turned back to Tim. "I am deeply apologetic, but this one often speaks out of turn. He is not right in the head, you see."


    "I am sorry to hear that. We can put him out of commission as well, if you so desire such a result? ''Two birds with one stone,'' as you surface dwellers say?" Tim said.


    "I am very grateful for your generous offer, but I am afraid I will have to decline. We like to clean up our own refuse, if you understand what I am referring to?" Lucifer said.


    "Oh, yes. We too like to ''clean up our own messes,'' as you say," Tim winked.


    "Indubitably," Lucifer nodded his head and winked back.


    "The time for the ceremony draws near, so I politely request that you accompany us to it. We will see to the matter of returning the artifact to your custody in due time," he said.


    "Please construct a path upon which we may walk," Lucifer said.


    "Indubitably," Tim said.


    "Indubitably," Lucifer said.


    Tim led the group of adorable mole people and us to a public square where Jon sat in a chair on an elevated platform with a clear glass helmet around his head and a high-tech collar at the base. It appeared the mole people used quite advanced technology compared to us surface dwellers. I mean, compared to humans. Jon was missing a leg, but otherwise looked fine and healthy.


    Tim led us up to the platform and pulled a small microphone out of his work uniform. "Hear ye, hear ye. I, Timothy, or Tim, shall conduct this decommissioning ceremony. As you all understand, Jonathan, or Jon, will be deprived of oxygen until his life functions have ceased. This is the ruling of the mole people."


    "And let it be so!" the gathered mole people in the square all shouted at once.


    This wasn''t right. It was Lucifer''s and my fault he was injured. If we hadn''t fought, none of this would have happened. I turned to Lucifer. "Heal him."


    "No," Lucifer said.


    "Why not?" I said.


    "I don''t want to turn them against us," he said.


    "You''re afraid of these little creatures?" I said.


    "No, I''m afraid of what my father will do to me if I hurt any of them," he said.


    "What do you think he''ll do to you if you don''t save the one who is about to die because of us?" I said.


    "What are you talking about? It was your fault for calling me an asshole," he said.


    "Do you think your father will see it that way?" I said.


    Lucifer''s head sagged. After a moment, he said, "Probably not."


    "Right. Now save him," I said.


    "Fine!" Lucifer said. Lucifer came up to Tim and grabbed the microphone, saying, "I regret to or happily inform you, depending on your perspective, that this decommissioning ceremony will not be performed due to my need to rectify the circumstances under which it is required."If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. Please report it.


    Then he handed the microphone back to Tim and walked over to Jon. Lucifer waved his hand over Jon''s stump. As Lucifer waved his hand, Jon''s leg appeared behind it as if my magic. No regeneration or anything. Just no leg, then leg.


    Tim spoke into the microphone and said, "Ladies and gentlemoles, I do not believe what it is that I am seeing. Lord Lucifer, first of his name, has healed Jonathan''s, or Jon''s, leg! Oh, joyous day! Jonathan, or Jon, may continue to work among us as all mole people should."


    "I have one query. What is it you are referring to when you say, "rectify"? That implies that some wrong has been committed."


    Lucifer snatched the microphone from Tim again and said, "You are most correct, good sir, Tim. A wrong has been committed. By this man!" Lucifer pointed at me. "He is the one who dropped the artifact that injured good sir Jon."


    Tim grabbed the microphone back and said, "Guards, restrain this man! He will face trial for the wrong he has committed!"


    I looked at Lucifer. "What are you doing?"


    Lucifer slowly walked up to me and lowered his voice. "Giving you what you asked for," he said. "You wanted me to heal him, so I did."


    "Yeah, but you didn''t have to tell them I dropped the sword!" I said.


    One of the mole guards attached high tech looking cuffs to my wrists, and another attached cuffs to my ankles. My wrists and ankles snapped together as some force, probably magnetism, pulled them toward each other.


    "That''s not how it works down here," Lucifer said. "People don''t do kind things without a reason and people don''t do cruel things without a reason. Everything has to have a reason. If I had healed him without blaming you, they would have suspected I had done something wrong and I''d be in your position. And I very much do not want to be in your position. You don''t know what kind of trouble you''re in. They have ways of dealing with invincible people that horrify even me."


    "Wow. Thanks for throwing me under the bus to save your own ass," I said.


    "You''re welcome," Lucifer said. "Hey, I never said I was a nice person. You assumed that."


    "I guess I''ve learned my lesson, huh?" I said glaring at him.


    "Have you?" Lucifer said, raising his eyebrows. "Because you still seem to think we''re friends. We are not friends. Temporary allies. That''s all. You volunteered to help prevent the apocalypse, and I took you up on your offer. Nothing more. Now, I get to walk away with the sword and Lilith, and more importantly, the information that will help me stop the apocalypse while you rot away down here in my place."


    "Screw you," I said.


    "When and where, young man. When and where," he said, with a shit-eating grin.


    I struggled with the cuffs, just trying to get into a less uncomfortable position, but I realized the cuffs were too strong for me to do anything. Even if I wanted to break out, I couldn''t. Just because I was invincible didn''t mean I had super strength. "I hope I never see your ugly face ever again."


    "Hey, take that back," he said. "I have a handsome face."


    "No. I won''t," I said.


    "Fine," he said and walked away. He didn''t disappear into the crowd like he probably intended to. The mole people were half his height, so he towered over them, but he stood a good hundred feet away and watched.


    "Would you kindly decrease the force intensity on the ankle cuffs?" Tim said to a guard. The guard pressed a button on a remote and my ankles stopped being forced together.


    They pushed me along and led me out of the square. The cuffs made my steps slow and difficult, but I was walking at the same pace as the tiny mole people, so I didn''t fall behind. I wondered if I could just escape and run away, but with the cuffs being able to fully pull my ankles together, I wouldn''t get far. I asked myself why I didn''t stop them from putting the cuffs on me in the first place. One half of the answer was that I didn''t want to hurt them, and the other half was that I underestimated their capabilities.


    We arrived at what looked like a stereotypical court house. It had the stone steps and the pillars outside and the writing etched in stone. It was just smaller. Lucifer and I fit inside, but only because court houses were designed with high ceilings. They were high for the mole people, but normal for us. The court house was set against a cave wall. I wasn''t sure what that was about, but it seemed important.


    I searched deep within my soul to see if I still found these mole people who were so dangerous that they even scared Lucifer, cute, and unfortunately, the answer was yes. I was still actively underestimating them. I still thought what could they possibly do to me that it scared even an immortal being like lucifer? The only thing I had working for me, was that I knew I was underestimating them. I couldn''t imagine how, but I knew whatever it was, I should be scared of it. And I was.


    They walked us into a courtroom and Tim climbed up to the judge''s chair and sat down. He pulled judge''s robes from behind the seat and put them on. Jon stood below the judge''s chair. The guards had removed his suffocation helmet.


    "Will all please rise for the honorable judge, Timothy, or Tim, as surface dwellers may prefer?" Jon said.


    Jon was the bailiff? What the hell? This felt like a nightmare. The person who I had convinced Lucifer to save was going to be part of the proceedings to put me to death, or worse. I knew it was the right thing to do morally, but boy did I wonder if I had made a terrible mistake in terms of my personal well-being.


    Everyone was already standing, since we had just walked in here. Lucifer stood in the back, looking very amused.


    Tim cleared his throat. "You may be seated," he said while adjusting his robes. "We are gathered here on this day to proceed on the unfortunate incident involving criminal negligence resulting in worker incapacitation, which caused the necessity of a decommissioning ceremony. It is only by the grace of Lord Lucifer that Jonathan, or Jon, was spared of his fate."


    He shuffled paper on his desk. "For the record, please state your name as it appears on surface documents."


    "Dave," I said.


    "Your full legal name. As I understand it, children on the surface are always born with at least a first and last name, most often but not always with a middle name." The judge said.


    I sighed. "Beauregard David Daverson."


    "No way! That is precious!" I heard Lucifer say from the back.


    "We didn''t ask for comments from the peanut gallery," I said.


    Tim slammed his gavel. "Order! I will have order in this court!"


    "I apologize, your honor," I said.


    "See that it doesn''t happen again," Tim said.


    "Yes, sir," I said. I figured I might as well keep the peace while I was here. I didn''t want to make whatever awaited me worse.


    "Beauregard, what is your current occupation?" Tim asked.


    "Please, just call me Dave," I said.


    "Very well, I will heed the defendant''s personal request in how he is addressed, by henceforth referring to him simply as, Dave," he said.


    "Thank you, your honor," I said.


    "Dave, what is your current occupation?" He asked.


    "Unemployed bookkeeper," I said.


    "He failed to mention his illustrious former career in gambling!" Lucifer said.


    "An interruption from the gallery is most irregular. Despite our debt to you, great Lord Lucifer, please refrain from offering further commentary," Tim said.


    "My apologies, your honor," Lucifer said.


    "Duly noted. Now, please continue Dave," he said, leaning on the desk.


    "Bookkeeper and former professional poker player," I said through gritted teeth.


    "Defendant once supported himself by resorting to gambling," Tim said as he wrote something down.


    A murmur of disapproval made its way through the courtroom.


    "Order!" Tim said slamming his tiny gavel three times.


    "Damn it," I said under my breath.


    "What was that, Dave? I was unable to ascertain the contents of your statement," Tim said.


    "I was simply expressing my dissatisfaction with my current predicament to myself," I said. Oh no. I was talking like them now. Wait. Maybe I should take a note from Lucifer''s book and talk like this on purpose. Yes. That is what I do.


    "That is understandable, Dave, but please do try to keep those utterances to within your own mind. We do not desire for these proceedings to take any longer than is strictly necessary," he said.


    "Yes, your honor," I said.


    Someone walked up to Jon and handed him a roll of paper, and walked back. Jon looked at the scroll and said, "The prosecution wishes to present the formal charges, your honor."


    "You may proceed, Jonathan, or Jon," Tim, the judge said.


    Jon unrolled a freshly inked scroll. Jon got some of it on his shirt accidentally, but didn''t seem to notice. "The defendant stands accused of the following: One count of criminal negligence resulting in worker incapacitation, and one count of causing emotional distress and pain to the worker in question."


    Tim nodded. "Grave charges. Grave charges indeed. Does the defendant have legal representation, or shall we appoint one of our legal experts?"


    Before I could answer, a mole person wearing a well-tailored suit scurried forward to my defendant''s table. He sat down in the chair next to me.


    "Hi, my name is Bartholomew, but you may call be Bart, as you are a surface dweller," he said quickly grabbing my hand and shaking it without my consent.


    "Ok," I said in mild shock.


    "Now that the defendant has representation, how does your client plead?"


    Bart stood up and said, "My client pleads guilty, your honor."


    "What?" I said. What the hell was going on? Was I being set up?

 Chapter 10: Just Dave

    "My client wishes to plead guilty," Bart said.


    "What?" I said. "We didn''t discuss that! We haven''t discussed anything!"


    "Bartholomew, or Bart, would you kindly confer with your client what it is that he has chosen to plead?" Tim said.


    Bart leaned over to me and talked quietly, so I had to scrunch down to hear him due to our height difference. "If you plead guilty, he''ll give you a lighter sentence. I know this judge. You want a lighter sentence. Trust me."


    "What kind of sentences are we talking here? And how much lighter is lighter?" I whispered.


    "1 year of imprisonment vs 1 hour of imprisonment," he said.


    "Oh. I think I''ll take the 1 hour please and thank you," I said.


    "That''s what I thought," he said.


    My lawyer, Bart, stood up and said, "My client has confirmed that he wants to plead guilty."


    Tim looked over his tiny glasses at me and said, "That is a wise choice, young man. I thought we were going to have to bring out the Veracity Verification Device, or ''Truth Machine'' as you surface dwellers call it. It forces a person to speak the truth and only the truth, so help them God."


    "But seeing as we didn''t have to do that, and you made this process much easier on everyone, including yourself, I will grant you a lighter sentence. The standard punishment for your crimes is one year in the molten core, but given your guilty plea and cooperation, I hereby reduce your sentence to one hour of imprisonment in the molten core of the earth." He banged his gavel. "This trial is concluded. Bailiff, ready the cage so that we may deliver the sentence forthwith."


    "Yes, your honor," Jon said. Jon walked over to the wall and pressed a button. The wall began to slide up and hot air came wafting out.


    "Wait, what? In the molten core of the earth?" I said, shocked at what I just heard. They were going to drop me into the molten core of the earth! Fuck! I wanted out. I needed to get out.


    Without thinking, I bolted out of my chair and began running down the aisle to the courtroom door. Suddenly, my feet snapped together, and I fell forward onto the ground. Since I couldn''t pull my hands or feet apart, I began to inch worm my way towards the door.


    Jolts of electricity shot through my body, causing me to involuntarily spasm and convulse on the ground. Apparently, I wasn''t immune to the effects of electricity. Jon grabbed my arm and dragged me toward the open wall. He was surprisingly strong for someone so small. As he dragged me, I noticed Azrael''s sword laying on the table made out of some form of metal that wasn''t being scorched by the sword''s flames.


    They pulled me onto a metal grating that hung out over a deep but small chasm. I looked down and saw molten lava far below. I felt heat coming from the right and looked over. There was a metal tube issuing a steady pour of molten lava into a cage. The cage was a tall rectangle with thin criss crossing bars kind of like a deep fryer tray. Its function was very similar to a deep fryer tray, if you think about it. The cage seemed to be filtering the lava through its bars, but I couldn''t imagine what could survive the lava long enough to make it down here.


    Tim stood by me, still in his judge''s robes. "I can understand the fear that strikes a person deep within their soul when they hear they''ll be spending time in the molten core, so I will look past the further crime that you just committed and deliver the original sentence."


    "Now, before we begin, I would like to explain a few things. This method of punishment was devised when we realized all surface dwellers were immune to any form of physical damage. This was the only method that we could create to allow surface dwellers to experience the suffering they deliver onto others, like how you delivered suffering onto Jon through your criminally negligent handling of a dangerous artifact."


    "Now, all the metal you see here is made of a composite alloy that cannot be melted by magma. That cage you see there is where you''ll be spending your hour. That stream of magma you see pouring from the tube is filtered by the cage. It does this to catch any magical or non magical artifacts that survive the trip down, so that they don''t enter the molten core and can be returned to the surface dwellers when they come down to retrieve them."


    "It''s unfortunate that the artifact you dropped did not enter the underground magma flows and end up harmlessly caught in the cage. If that had happened, you wouldn''t need to be punished, but what actually occurred is what actually occurred. So punish you, we must. Now, Jonathan, or Jon, if you would so kindly detach the tube from the cage, close the tube, and cover up the hole in the cage, we will be able to begin."


    This couldn''t be happening, I thought. I did the right thing, didn''t I? So why must I suffer like this? This was far worse than what I imagined the punishment could be.


    Jon did as judge Tim asked and then opened the door of the cage. He grabbed me by the arm, led me into the cage, then closed and locked the door behind me. The grating below the cage dropped open. I was now floating out over empty space. Jon put his hand on the lever to lower me down. Lucifer stood behind the gathered mole people, watching. He didn''t offer any words, and he didn''t have any expression on his face either.Did you know this story is from Royal Road? Read the official version for free and support the author.


    "Do you have any words you would like to say before we lower you in?" Tim asked.


    I thought hard. There had to be a way out of this, and then it came to me. My karmic rebalancing. Maybe it could give me something, anything, to get out of this mess. The scale was tilted down by bad karma, so whatever I got would be good. The question was, would it be good enough?


    I pressed the mental button, and the scales rebalanced. Suddenly, from behind the mole people and Lucifer, a familiar voice rang out. "Stop! Stop this right now! I can''t take it any longer! I''m the one at fault! I take responsibility for crippling Jon! Free Dave!"


    Everyone looked behind them, confused. There was no one there. Then the voice came again. "Stop this right now! I''m responsible! Do you hear me? I am responsible!" The sword flashed orange as Lilith''s voice spoke through it.


    "What the hell?" Tim said.


    Jon was so surprised that he pulled the lever all the way down. The cage just dropped. No, slowly lowering or nothing. I looked below as the molten core got closer and closer until the cage splashed into it. This was scarier than anything I had ever experienced. I felt the magma burn away my clothes and start to fill the cage. I felt it creep up my legs, up my torso, to my chest. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. Then I was fully submerged.


    It was hotter than I expected. I expected it to be hot, but I also expected my invincibility to protect me from it. It protected me from being burned alive, but it didn''t prevent me from feeling the heat. It was truly unbearable. Imagine the hottest spa tub or jacuzzi and multiply it by 100. I felt like I was melting. The worst was definitely the heat, but the second worst was the sensory deprivation. I couldn''t see, hear, smell, taste, or really feel anything on my skin except unimaginable heat.


    There was no way I would last a year down here. I''d lose my mind. I''d be a babbling mess after they brought me back up. I didn''t know if I could even last an hour down here. This was awful. I had to hope that Lilith would convince them to pull me back up soon. I just had to last until they pulled me back up. I kept telling myself that. Any second now they would pull me back up and I''d been fine.


    Seconds turned into minutes, and minutes began to feel like hours. I was boiling alive. Then, I felt a tug on the chain. The cage began to pull back up. I could feel it because the cage was putting more pressure on my feet. I could feel my feet! That was oddly comforting. Being able to feel anything except the heat was like seeing an old friend after a long time. I didn''t feel as cut off and alone.


    Once again, seconds turned to minutes turned to hours. The cage seemed to be pulled forever. I wondered if I would ever make it out of here. Maybe they were reeling in a mile of chain or something. After my mind had truly melted and I couldn''t think straight anymore, the cage was lifted out of the magma. I was suddenly cold from the heat going away so quickly. I curled up into a ball at the bottom of the cage, trying to warm myself up and stop shivering.


    After actual real minutes that felt like minutes, I was pulled up through the hole in the grating and the grating was closed. Jon pulled the cage door open and pulled me out, naked and afraid.


    "Does anyone have clothes I could wear? I feel naked," I said.


    "You are naked," Tim said.


    "I know. I don''t want to be," I said.


    Lucifer snapped his fingers, and clothes appeared in his hands. They were the same clothes I had been wearing. I don''t mean they looked the same. I mean, they were the same. The knees on the jeans were worn and frayed in all the same places, and my shirt even had the barely noticeable hole in the side.


    As I put the clothes on, I asked Tim, "How long was I down there for?"


    "About 10 minutes. Why?" he said.


    "It felt like hours," I said. "It felt like my skin was burning off."


    "I am truly sorry about that. Once the sword confessed to the crime of crippling Jon, we tried to reel you back in right away, but so much chain had been released that it simply took that long," Tim said.


    "To hear you describe it like that, I''m not sure the punishment fits the crime. Maybe we should construct a smaller punishment, like community service, for criminal negligence, and leave the molten core for the truly heinous crimes like murder and other such things," Tim said.


    Once I was finished dressing myself, I asked Tim, "May I take the sword now?"


    "You may take the sword indeed, but while you were down there, our engineers finished constructing a sheath for the artifact, so that it doesn''t find its way down here again. Be careful with it is what I am communicating to you," Tim said.


    "We realized we couldn''t punish the sword, despite it confessing to being at fault, so remanding it to your custody seemed like the next best thing."


    "Understood, and thank you," I said. I walked over to the table that had the sword on it. It had a dark grey metal sheath with a belt attached. I wrapped the belt around my waist and cinched it tight.


    I walked past Lucifer and out of the courtroom. I followed the path back to the lift that then took me back up to the elevator. I got in the elevator and was about to press the button to go back up when Lucifer walked in. I stepped out of the elevator.


    "What?" Lucifer said. "You''re not upset about me blaming you for Jon''s accident, are you?"


    "Yes, I am, but it''s more than that. I''ve realized I can''t trust you, and if I can''t trust you, then you''re a liability to me. Lilith and I will stop the bank heist ourselves," I said, patting the sword at my side.


    "Hey! Don''t jostle me!" Lilith said.


    "Sorry," I said.


    "I can''t leave you alone. You might find a way to kill yourself and win the bet," Lucifer said.


    "You should''ve thought about that before you dropped me into the center of the earth," I said. I was serious. And I was furious at him. But beyond that, beyond the fact I couldn''t trust him, I didn''t like him. Not anymore. He disappointed me. And it''s hard to disappoint me. You really have to try, and he did. He tried and succeeded. He was lucky I didn''t just kill him.


    "Come on, Dave. I was just kidding. What''s the occasional betrayal between friends? It couldn''t have been that bad," he said.


    "Why don''t you hop in the cage? Give it a whirl?" I said my grip on the sword hilt tightening.


    "Ow, ow, ow! Don''t squeeze so hard!" Lilith said.


    "Sorry," I said.


    "Dave! Come on! We have a world to save!" Lucifer said.


    "You''re wrong. I have a world to save. You can fuck off for all I care," I said, and walked onto the lift to take me back down to the mole town.


    "Dave. Come on. You''re not going to abandon me, are you?


    "You really should have thought about your actions. Now you have to pay the consequences," I said. I pressed a button and the lift started lowering.


    "Don''t abandon me! Not like father did!" Lucifer cried, as he fell to his knees.


    "Goodbye, Lucifer," I said, before I dropped out of sight.


    "No!" Lucifer cried, slamming his fists down on the metal grating. The platform and the lift shook from the impact.

 Chapter 11: The Bubble

    When I got to the bottom of the lift, I realized I wasn''t wearing my nightvision goggles anymore. They must have melted in the molten core. My eyes had somewhat adjusted to the low light. As I looked around, I realized it wasn''t actually pitch black like I had thought it was. There were lights. They were just really dim. Well, this is what I would have to work with. I wasn''t going back up the lift to get another pair. Not with the chance Lucifer was still there. That would be incredibly awkward.


    "No, I''m not coming back for you. I''m still done with you. I''m just grabbing another pair of goggles. Okay, bye again!" Is what I imagine I would say. Yeah, I wasn''t doing that.


    I walked back to the courthouse, where Tim was walking down the front steps. "Tim! Judge Tim! Your honor!" I said.


    "You do not have to call me judge or your honor outside of the courtroom, Dave. Did you require assistance with something?" Tim said.


    "Yes. I can''t use the elevator back up. Lucifer is there and I can''t associate with him anymore. Do you have another way back to the surface?" I said.


    "Why are you unable to associate with Lord Lucifer anymore? Are you not friends, or at least associates?" Tim asked, with a puzzled look on his adorable little mole face. Sorry, they''re adorable. I can''t help it.


    "He was partially responsible for dropping the sword. He tackled me while I was holding it, causing me to drop it. But he just blamed me so he didn''t have to be put on trial or suffer any punishment. I can''t associate with someone who would betray me like that," I said.


    "That is most understandable, Lord Dave. I wouldn''t either. But why didn''t you say that in the courtroom? Lucifer would have been put on trial then," he said, rubbing his forehead.


    "I didn''t want to risk being down there for a year. I have a limited time left to live and I can''t waste it. This is going to sound ridiculous, but I need to save the world before I die," I said, sighing. It sounded ridiculous when I said it, but it was the truth.


    "That does not sound ridiculous in the slightest. That sounds noble. Truly befitting a lord of the surface world. If you do not mind me inquiring, how much time do you have remaining?" Tim said, looking worried.


    "Until 7 pm tonight. And I estimate it''s about 11 am right now. So I have eight hours," I said.


    "Well, then we better get you moving! Normally I would suggest just traveling to another mole colony and using their elevator, but that would take hours, which is time you do not have in your possession! You''ll have to take The Bubble. Come with me," he said, beginning to walk towards the cave wall.


    I followed him, and we came to a tunnel opening in the face of the cave wall. It was essentially a cave in and of itself, but not naturally formed. It had been formed through artificial means. I had to duck slightly as we went inside. There was a strange-looking vehicle set up on a track leading to a lava flow on the far side of the room. It was hot, but it was far enough away to be bearable. I assumed the track was there, so you didn''t have to try to get into the vehicle while it was in lava. Not only would your skin probably melt off, but if you missed and fell, you''d be toast.


    The vehicle itself had treads, spider legs, turbines, and a massive drill at the front. It seemed to be called The Bubble because the shape of the body of the vehicle was like a bubble, complete with a glass dome shaped view on the upper half.


    "The way in which this vehicle functions is it finds the quickest way to the surface through the magma flows and shoots you out of a volcano," he said.


    "Which volcano will I be shooting out of?" I asked.


    "Most likely Black Mountain," he said.


    "Is that an active volcano?" I said.


    "It is not, but it is the closest to being directly above us," he said. "The drill at the end is there to bust you through the rock of the inactive volcano."


    "Ok, what about the glass dome? Won''t that just melt instantly?" I said.


    "No, it will not. It is coated in a magma resistant resin as well as being infused with small amounts of the same magma retardant metal that the cage is made out of," he said.


    "''Magma resistant'' doesn''t give me a lot of confidence. Has this been tested before?" I said.


    "No. This is actually a prototype. We built it in case of catastrophic meltdown of the atmospheric generators. It fits four mole people comfortably, or one surface dweller, uncomfortably. Its purpose is to allow any remaining mole people to inform the surface dwellers of the generator meltdown, so they can rebuild or start a new mole colony with new generators," he said. "But you''re impervious to physical damage. If the glass melts, you will be alright."


    "You do realize that most surface dwellers don''t know that the atmospheric generators and mole people, for that matter, exist, right? Also, I''ll be alive, sure, but I''ll be stranded in a magma flow with no way to get to the surface," I said.


    "I am quite certain that the glass will hold out until you reach the surface. We performed micro testing of the materials. We just did not test the vehicle itself because that would render it useless for our purposes," he said.


    "Why is that?" I asked.


    "The vehicle knows how to get to the surface. It doesn''t know how to go back down here. The mole person testing the vehicle would have no way to report back to us if it performed its duty correctly. Colony to surface radio transmissions do not work. We are too deep underground for the signals to travel to us," he said.


    "I see," I said nervously. This thing better work. I was not ready for another magma bath. That was horrifying, and I wasn''t anxious to experience it again.


    "Hold on a minute. Most surface dwellers don''t know we exist? Why is that? Don''t they wonder what makes the atmosphere?" he said.


    "They do wonder why, but they think it was volcanoes," I said. I remembered watching a documentary on it on TV.


    "Well, they are not necessarily incorrect. The atmosphere we generate travels through the magma flows to the surface, but the volcanoes themselves do not create it. Does no one know we are down here?" He said.


    "Important people do, and that''s what matters. We appreciate you and God appreciates you. Without you, the world wouldn''t exist as we know it," I said, patting him on his soft, furry head.


    "Please do not patronize me, because I am smaller in stature to yourself," Tim said.


    "I''m sorry. You''re just so soft and furry. It makes me want to pet you. You see, furless surface dwellers like myself have a strange relationship with furry surface dwellers. We keep them as pets and pet them as a sign of affection," I said.


    "That sounds incredibly demeaning," Tim said.The tale has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.


    "It is, now that I think about it. I''m sorry. I will refrain from petting you in the future," I said, and lightly bowed.


    "I appreciate your effort to resist your base desires," Tim said, bowing in return. "Now, you should deposit your person within the vehicle before we waste any more time. There will be a large red button to turn it on and The Bubble will do the rest."


    "Ok. If we never see each other again, it was nice meeting you, despite the part where I was tortured," I said, as I pulled on the side handle. The whole dome opened up, and I climbed inside.


    "Good luck," Tim said.


    When I closed the dome, I had to kneel down to get it to shut. I pressed the big red button labeled "Start."


    The treads on The Bubble engaged and rapidly drove toward the magma stream. It dove under the magma and I don''t know what it did after that. I heard a lot of different mechanical noises going on at once, and I felt the cabin turn vertical, throwing me back slightly, but that didn''t concern me. What concerned me was the fact that I could see nothing but magma all around me.


    A small screen popped up on the dashboard and displayed a radar view of the magma flows and ducts. We sped through the flows rapidly, covering what looked like miles in seconds. I closed my eyes and tried to relax, but flashes of my time in the cage ran through my mind. What if the glass failed? What if the vehicle got stuck, and I had to swim out? I couldn''t do that again. I just couldn''t.


    Seconds felt like minutes, that felt like hours all over again. I squeezed my eyes shut and clenched my body as hard as I could to distract myself. I was about to really start freaking out, when I heard the drill engage and I looked at the radar screen. We were drilling through the inactive volcano surface! I was almost out! It was so close I could taste it, then 10 minutes later, after I lost my shit all over again, we finally popped out of the top of Black Mountain and traversed the land. A joystick came out of the dashboard and I could control the treads. I sped along the desert plain looking for a road.


    Without thinking, I reached into my pocket to pull out my phone and, surprisingly, my phone was in there. Whatever Lucifer did to regenerate my clothes also extended to my personal items, as well. My wallet was in my other pocket too. Along with the remaining $7,500.


    "Hey, Lilith! Where''s the bank robbery going to happen?" I said.


    "Mmph!" she said from within the sheath. I pulled the sword partially out of the sheath. "It''s going down in Vegas!"


    I put Las Vegas into the GPS, and it gave me a route. I was 5 minutes away from a road and only 20 minutes away from Vegas. It made sense I would be so close since we went down the elevator in Vegas.


    "Where exactly is this bank and how does robbing a bank end the world?" I asked.


    "It''s Las Vegas Cryo Bank and I don''t know," she said.


    "''Cryo Bank''? What the hell is a ''cryo bank''?" I said.


    "I don''t know! Look it up on your phone!" She said.


    I did, and I was confused. It was a sperm bank. "Lilith, what starts the apocalypse in the bible?" I asked.


    "A lot of things really," she said.


    "Why don''t you list the major ones and I''ll see if anything makes sense?" I said.


    "Why? What kind of bank is it?" She said.


    "Just list the apocalyptic events and I''ll tell you after," I said.


    "Fine. The breaking of the seven seals, the trumpet and bowl judgments, the rapture of believers, the rise of the Antichrist, the¡ª" she said.


    "Wait, that''s it! The rise of the Antichrist! They''re trying to birth the Antichrist! The bank is a sperm bank. They must need a specific person''s sperm to do it," I said.


    "Lucifer! They need Lucifer''s sperm! This isn''t in the bible, but our demon texts say the Antichrist must be the child of the Devil." Lilith said, with panic in her voice.


    "We need to get Lucifer''s sperm before they do! That''s a sentence I never thought I would say. But seriously, we need to get that sperm! Also, a sentence I never thought I''d say. Do you know when they plan to do it?" I said.


    "I don''t know! It might have already happened or it might not," she said.


    "Let''s just get there as fast as we can!" I said. I sped along the highway to Las Vegas in a tiny car meant for mole people. It was the size of one of those old electric vehicles from the early 2000s. Clearly not meant for actual humans to drive. My knees were up to my chest.


    A thought occurred to me in the silence. "Why do you think Lucifer deposited sperm at a bank?" I asked.


    "How the hell would I know? Maybe in case he died or something as a back-up plan?" she said.


    "That actually makes sense," I said.


    "I come up with good ideas every once in a while. You might try asking me for them more often," she said sarcastically.


    "Hey, we''ve just met," I said.


    "That''s true!" she said.


    We drove the rest of the way in silence until blue and red flashing lights showed up behind us and the sound of a police siren went off. I pulled over to the side of the road in the most ridiculous looking vehicle ever created. I opened the dome because I couldn''t roll down a window. I was blasted with hot air, but I barely even noticed. I had experienced heat far worse than this.


    "Stay in your vehicle, sir!" the police officer said through a speaker in his car.


    "I''m staying in my vehicle!" I said.


    "No need to get agitated," he said.


    "I''ll show you agitated," I said under my breath. I was trying to save the world here. You''d think people would have the common decency to stand back and let me do the thing that I decided was my job.


    "What was that?" he said.


    "Nothing," I said.


    "Good. I''m exiting my vehicle now and I''m going to walk over to you. Don''t make any sudden moves," he said.


    I just sighed and said nothing. The police officer approached me with a hand resting on his gun. "Umm, sir, what kind of vehicle is this?" he said, smacking his gum. He pulled it out of his mouth and threw it into the brush.


    "I would say ''that''s littering,'' but as you are a police officer and I am not, I will restrain myself," I said.


    "I appreciate your sense of self preservation. Now answer my question. What kind of vehicle is this?" he said in a slight to moderate drawl.


    "It''s a Bubble," I said, and smiled my most innocent looking smile.


    "What''s a Bubble?" he said.


    "A bubble is a spherical object made out of soap or glycerine," I said, still trying to maintain my innocent look.


    "Now is not the time for jokes, son. What is the make of the car? What company is it?" he said.


    "The people who made it are not with any company," I said.


    "You''re telling me this is an unknown, unregistered vehicle? Where are these people that made this thing? So I can question them," he said.


    "In the sub-basement of The Last Temptation Casino," I said.


    He just stared at me for a bit through mirrored sunglasses with his mouth open. I was tempted to close it for him, but I realized he might consider that assault of a police officer and I didn''t want to get arrested. Especially not now.


    "Uh huh," he said. "Can I see your license?" I handed it to him. "Wait here. I''m gonna call this in." He walked back to his car and got inside.


    "Time is wasting," I said.


    "Yes, it is," Lilith said.


    I sighed heavily. I was tempted to try to outrun him, but I didn''t trust my ability to weave between cars once we got into Vegas itself. This thing was on treads, which meant it had the maneuverability of a tank. We waited nearly an hour. This was almost worse than the molten core. At least that only lasted 10 minutes.


    Several more police cars pulled up. He probably just called his buddies to come look at my wacky vehicle. I doubt I seemed like a threat to him. An entire squad of police officers got out of the cars to come inspect what I was driving. Several of them took pictures. A few asked me dumb questions.


    "What happened? Did you leave your clown car at home?" One said.


    "So, were you planning to rob a bank with this thing?" Another said.


    "Do you need to call your wife so she can pick you up?" A third one said.


    "No, no, and no," I said, exasperated.


    The original officer came around again and said, "We''re going to have to impound your vehicle. Here''s a citation for driving an unregistered vehicle and here is your driver''s license back, Beauregard."


    "That''s not my name," I said.


    "That''s not what your license says," he said.


    "It''s Dave," I said.


    "Well, Dave, are you gonna hoof it, or do you need a ride back to the city?" he said.


    "A ride would be nice," I said. "May I get out of the vehicle now?"


    "Yes. You can get out of the vehicle," he said.


    I stepped out of the Bubble and he said, "Whoa! Is that a sword?"


    "Yeah. Aren''t blades legal in Nevada?" I said.


    "They are, but that thing looks cool. Can we see it?" he said in awe.


    "Sure," I said, removing Azrael''s sword out of the sheath. Its blade flickered with flame.


    "Whoa! How is it doing that? Is it hot?" he said.


    "Very. It can melt through concrete," I said.


    "No way! I gotta see this. Do it," he said.


    I plunged the sword into the highway, making sure to keep a firm grip on it, and pulled it back out. Now there was a flaming hole in the highway.


    "Holy crap! Do you know how it works?" he said.


    "No idea. I got it from my ex girlfriend," I said. Which was true. I did.


    "Is she single?" he asked.


    "I don''t know," I said.


    "Oh, sorry. Bad break up?" he said.


    "It wasn''t good, that''s for sure," I said.


    "I''m sorry to hear that," he said. "Do you still need that ride?"


    "Yes, please," I said. I put the sword back in the sheath.


    "You can ride in the back," he said.


    I gave him a look.


    "Don''t worry. I won''t sneakily arrest you. If I was going to arrest, I would have done it already," he said.


    "Ok, thanks for the ride," I said.


    "No problem. We are taking your car, or whatever you called that thing," he said.


    "True," I said.


    We drove back to Las Vegas. It was early afternoon. About 12:30 pm. Six and a half hours before my death.

 Chapter 12: The Trap is Sprung

    "Where are you going?" The police officer said through the partition between the front and back seats.


    "Las Vegas Cryo Bank," I said.


    "Is that the sperm bank place?" he said. "You looking to make a deposit?"


    "No. A withdrawal actually," I said.


    "What? Why?" he said.


    "Artificial insemination, of course," I said.


    "Oh, right," he said.


    He dropped me off in front of the building and said, "Good luck."


    "Thanks," I said. "I''ll need it."


    He drove off.


    I walked into the sperm bank and looked around. Nothing looked out of the ordinary. There was a woman at the front desk and a bunch of patients waiting patiently in chairs in the lobby. I walked up to the front desk and said, "Hi, uh, how do I do this? I made a deposit a while ago and I want to withdraw it. The missus and I changed our minds and decided to start a family. And well, they already did the ol'' ''snip snip'', so we''ll have to do it the artificial way.


    "They cut off your penis?" She said, shocked.


    "No. I got a vasectomy," I said.


    "Oh, right," she said. "What''s the name?"


    I didn''t know if Lucifer would use a fake name or not, so I just went with his real name. The one he used at the bar. "Lucifer Morningstar."


    "Ok," the woman said as she typed on the keyboard, then suddenly she stopped. She looked at me with a meaningful look and stood up. She quickly gathered flames into her hands and blasted me in the chest with it. I flew across the room and tumbled to the floor. Luckily, Lucifer had left me invulnerable, or I''d have a hole in my chest.


    The patients waiting in the lobby all looked at the woman in shock, and then they stood up and generated fire whips in their hands. "Oh shit," I said. It was a trap. I drew Azrael''s sword.


    "It''s a trap!" Lilith said.


    "Thank you, but I can see that!" I said.


    The demons all pulled their arms back to swing their whips at me. In a split second, as soon as they swung their whips, I ducked down and lifted the sword up over my head, catching all the whips on the sword.


    Lilith knew what I was planning. "Don''t you dare!"


    "I have to! There''s too many of them!" I said.


    "Don''t you do it!" Lilith said.


    "I''m sorry," I said.


    I focused on the sword and tried to search for the mental switch or mechanism that allowed Sarah to pull Lilith into the sword. When I found it, I focused on it, drawing the whips and the demons into the sword. After a few moments, all the demons except the fake receptionist had been drawn into the sword. To follow up, I ran up to the front desk and slashed horizontally at her. She feebly put her arms up, but it did nothing to protect her. The sword cut her in half and she fell to the floor.


    "Get off me!" Lilith said from within the sword. The sword began to flash orange.


    "I said get off! Move!" she said.


    "If you''re not gonna stop crowding me, I''ll make you stop! Ahhh!!!!" The sword flashed orange several times, and it grew hot in my hands. Gouts of flame shot out of the sword and then everything was silent.


    "There. That''s better. All alone, once again," Lilith said. "Don''t you ever do that again!"


    "Yes, ma''am," I said, a little intimidated.


    The lights turned off, and the lobby went dark. A voice came on over a loudspeaker. It sounded gravelly and menacing. "I see you''ve fallen into my trap, Dave. My name is Harvey. I plan to eliminate you here once and for all. You''ve evaded my minions long enough. It ends now! As you can see, I''ve gathered more than enough men to take care of you." There was a short silence and then, "Wait, where did my men go?"


    I heard a series of buttons getting pressed on a console and his voice went through a series of changes, seemingly accidental. It got more gravelly and impossible to understand, then high pitched and shrill. "Ah, screw it! I''ll just go no filter." The voice changed to something nasally and high pitched. "What did you do with my men?"


    "I killed them," I said.


    "Actually, I killed them," Lilith said proudly.


    "Yeah, she killed them," I said.


    "You did what?!?!" he said. "No matter. I''ll send in the big gun."


    Sarah ran through the patient door into the lobby. "Dave!" she said angrily.


    "Oh, not this again," I said.


    "You''ll notice I gave her a few upgrades since last time. I found your weakness, Dave. Your ex-girlfriend who secretly still loves you, but I brainwashed her to turn that love into hate. Now die!" Harvey said.


    Sarah began to run toward me, but I put my hand out and said, "Stop! Wait! Who are you again? What is happening? How do you know who I am?"


    "Didn''t I just explain that?" he said.


    "Explain it better. Explain it like I''m five," I said.


    "Fine! I am Harvey. I''m an imp. The lowest of the low among demons. Well, technically, hell spawn are lower, but they grow up bigger and stronger than us, so it doesn''t count! All my life, I''ve been ordered around by so called ''greater demons''."


    I could hear him using air quotes. "Well, no more! I have read every demon text known to demons and I''ve learned all the magics there are to know! I can make magic medallions! I even looked into the future to see if my plan worked, but no. Some random guy named Dave who recently entered into a bet with the Devil defeated me! So I researched you and found out the person closest to you."This content has been misappropriated from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.


    "My mother?" I said, a little worried.


    "No! Haven''t you been paying attention? I mean, Sarah!" he said.


    "Oh, right," I said, smacking my forehead.


    "The person closest to you, Sarah, is your weakness because you can''t kill her! She secretly still cares about you! Only a monster would kill her, and you''re not a monster, are you Dave?" he said.


    "No, I''m not," I said, sounding disappointed.


    "Yes! See? I got you! Because she is your weakness, she will win the fight and you will die, allowing me, Harvey, to win! I purposely leaked the information about the heist to Lilith, so she would lead you here into my trap! This way, you can''t stop me from birthing the Antichrist and bringing about the end of the world! Ha ha ha! I, Harvey, am a genius!" he said.


    "I''m guessing you already found Lucifer''s sperm then?" I said.


    "No! Weren''t you listening? This is a trap, a diversion, a distraction, a bamboozle, etc. Lucifer didn''t put his sperm under his own name, obviously! He must have put it under some fake name, the clever Devil."


    "Wait, then how are you going to birth the Antichrist?" I said.


    "Easy! We kidnapped the Devil and are making him do it for us! I found his weakness too! Satyrs. Goat women. They''re like catnip to him. He can''t resist!"


    "Who''s ''we''?" I asked.


    "The other imps, of course! Haven''t you been listening! Me and my imp brethren are tired of being trampled on! Soon, we will be doing the trampling! Ha ha ha!"


    "Wait, I''m still confused. Why did you bring Sarah from the future? Couldn''t you just use present Sarah?" I said.


    "This is present, Sarah, you idiot! The future thing was a mislead, a trick, a lie, etc."


    "Oh. I hate lying," I said, angrily.


    "Well, none of that matters anymore because soon you will die! Go Sarah! Kill your evil ex-boyfriend!" Harvey said.


    "Wait! What are you going to do?" I said.


    "I''m going to lunch. I''m hungry. Goodbye forever, Dave," he said. He must have left the microphone on because I hear him get out of his chair and awkwardly open the door to leave. "Why are doors so damn heavy in the human world?" He said to himself.


    "That was weird," I said, looking at Sarah.


    "You''re telling me," Lilith said.


    Sarah stood frozen awkwardly until she finally animated and pointed a finger at me. "I hate you, Dave! I''m going to kill you now!"


    "Damn it!" I said, lifting the sword. "I''m not the enemy, Sarah! Snap out of it!"


    "I don''t know how!" she said suddenly, with a panicked look on her face. Then the angry expression came back. "Grr!"


    "Oh no," I said.


    "Oh no," Lilith said.


    "Oh, yeah!" Sarah said, pointing her fist at me. A blast of ice shot out of her hand that I blocked with the sword. It froze the sword and a ton of ice accumulated on it until I couldn''t lift it anymore and dropped it.


    "Shit!" I said, diving behind a bench.


    The bench got blasted with ice. Sarah kept blasting while walking around to flank me. I tried to run out of there to find more cover, and I succeeded, but she got my feet. She froze them both. Now it was like I was walking to two blocks of ice, because I was.


    Once I was out of view, I crouched down and scrambled across the floor to flank her right back. She kept blasting ice around the lobby, not knowing where I was, until I got behind her and put my arm around her throat. She blasted my arm with ice, which froze my arm around her neck.


    I grabbed for the chain around her neck to pull it off her head, but it was partially frozen to my arm. I had to push her neck forward to get the chain with the medallions off her head.


    "Ow, ow, ow!" she said.


    "I''m sorry!" I said.


    "Me too!" she said.


    "Really?" I said, pausing for a moment.


    "No!" She blasted the side of my face with ice.


    Now half of my head was frozen. I was very lucky to be invincible right now. Otherwise I''d be incredibly dead. It was still cold as hell and it hurt.


    I pulled and pulled at the necklace as cracks began to form in the ice, holding it in place. She froze my whole right leg next. With one final yank, I pulled the chain necklace free and dropped it to the floor.


    "Dave?" Sarah said, shakily.


    "Yes, Sarah?" I said.


    "Why are you choking me?" she said.


    "I''m actually frozen like this. I can''t move. I will explain later. Right now, we need to get to that sword on the ground in front of us. Will you move with me?" I said.


    "Rahhhh!!!!" Lilith yelled as the sword''s flames blazed and the ice around the sword melted.


    "Ok, Dave, but you owe me a better explanation than your crotch against my butt," she said.


    "I''m sorry!" I said. "We were fighting, and that''s just where my crotch ended up!"


    "We were fighting? Why?" she said.


    "As I said, I''ll explain later. Let''s get to the sword!" I said.


    "Ok!" she said and began to work with me to walk toward the sword.


    After concerted effort, we made it to the sword.


    "Lilith, flame up and melt my leg," I said. "I can''t crouch down like this to grab you."


    "Ok. Here goes," she said. "Ahhh!!!" Flames burst out of the sword and unfroze my right leg and both my feet while catching my left leg on fire.


    I crouched down and patted the fire out. Then I grabbed the sword and stood back up. I pressed it against my frozen arm and said, "Ok, two more times!"


    "Ok! Ahhhh!!!!!" Flames melted my arm and I could finally remove it from around Sarah''s neck.


    Sarah turned around and gasped. "What happened to your face?"


    "You froze it," I said.


    "How are you still conscious?" she said with her hands over her mouth in horror.


    "Uh, very carefully?" I said, making a joke. I pressed the sword against the frozen side of my head. "One more time, Lilith. Do you have to scream every time? It''s a little disturbing."


    "Yes, I do. Ahhh!!!!" she said, melting the side of my head and face.


    I flexed and cracked my neck. "That''s much better," I said, with a feeling of relief.


    "Now, explain Dave! What the hell is going on?" Sarah said.


    "Someone named Harvey is trying to kick start the apocalypse, and they brainwashed you into fighting me, because they saw you as my weakness," I said.


    "Really?" she said.


    "Don''t you remember?" I said.


    "A little bit. It''s very fuzzy. Kind of like it was all a dream, but I''m guessing it wasn''t?" she said.


    "No, it wasn''t," I said.


    "So, I really killed a giant tentacle monster, stabbed you, some other guy, and absorbed a woman into a sword?" she said.


    "¡­Yes," I said. "When you say it like that, it sounds ridiculous."


    "So what are you doing in all this?" she asked.


    "I''m trying to save the world from the Antichrist being born," I said.


    "Ok. How do we do that?" she said.


    "We can''t now. Harvey said he already has Lucifer, so I have to wait until he either calls or the Antichrist shows up," I said.


    "Hmm. Have you tried calling him?" she said.


    "No, I haven''t tried calling him. Do you really think these people would go to the trouble of kidnapping him and not take his phone away?" I said.


    "Hey, don''t bite my head off, mister. I have more of a right to be angry than you, and you don''t see me blowing my top," she said, with a stern look.


    "You''re right," I said. "What the hell. I''ll call him. It couldn''t hurt, right?"


    I reverse dialed the number Lucifer called from last night. It rang a few times. I was about to hang up the phone when the call connected.


    "This is Lucifer. How may I help you?" he said.


    "Lucifer, where are you?" I asked.


    "I got you! This is my voicemail box! Leave a message after the bell tolls. Ding!" he said. He sounded out of breath.


    Why did he sound out of breath in a voicemail? That made no sense. No one would record a voicemail out of breath. Hold on.


    "This isn''t a voicemail, you jackass! Be serious for once!" I said.


    "No! I refuse! Besides, you abandoned me, remember?" he said.


    "I''m sorry, ok? I heard they kidnapped you. Are you ok?" I said.


    "I''m fine. More than fine, really," he said, still sounding out of breath.


    Something was suspicious. And then a thought ran through my head. He couldn''t be in the middle of doing the thing Harvey was trying to trick him into doing, could he? Could he?


    "Hold on. What are you doing right now?" I said.


    "I''m kind of busy right now. Can we do this later?" he said.


    "You''re not ''getting busy'' right now, are you? With goat women?" I asked.


    "How did you know?" he said.


    "It''s a trap! Pull out! Abort!" I said.


    "It''s a little too late for that," he said. "About 69 times too late."


    "Wait, really?" I said incredulously. There''s no way he''s done it 69 times already.


    "No. I just wanted to say ''69''. But it is too late for that. Why? What''s the trap? I don''t get it," he said.


    "They''re trying to get you to birth the Antichrist to start the apocalypse," I said.


    "Oh, shit. I''m screwed. Figuratively and literally. Alright, I''m gonna bust out of here. I''ll call you to come pick me up when I figure out where I am," he said and hung up. I put my phone back in my pocket.


    "What happened?" Sarah asked.


    "We''re screwed. The Antichrist is coming," I said. Great. Just great.

 Chapter 13: Steve

    "Dave, I have to apologize. Not just for trying to kill you, but I am sorry for that. For the way I ended things with you. Leaving without an explanation why or even discussing if we were still together or not was wrong, and for that, I am truly sorry," Sarah said, with tears in her eyes. She put her hand on mine as we sat on the ground in a puddle of water.


    "Thank you for the apology, but it''s ok. I understand that what I said wasn''t what you needed at the moment. You needed someone to hug you and tell you to take as long as you needed to heal and move forward. But my stupid pragmatic side didn''t see that and only saw the bills coming up. I loved you more than anything. I''m sorry it ended the way it did too," I said, putting my hand on her hand that was on my hand.


    "You know, Harvey''s medallion had me thinking you were this controlling monster who only saw what I could do for you and not who I am," she said, putting her other hand on my hand that was on her hand that was on my hand.


    "No offense, Sarah, but that''s insane. That wasn''t your fault, though. You weren''t yourself and you are now. I''m just happy I could save you without one of us getting killed," I said.


    "Are you still drinking?" she asked.


    "As of yesterday, I was, but a lot has changed for me in the last 24 hours. I don''t think I''ll touch a drink for a long time, if at all," I said.


    There was a long silence, then Lilith said, "Girl, if you think Dave is controlling, you should''ve seen Adam. He''d put Dave to shame."


    "I''ve been meaning to ask, why is the sword talking?" Sarah said.


    "You absorbed Lilith into the sword, remember?" I said.


    "Oh yeah. Right," she said, looking at the sword. "You say Adam''s name like I''m supposed to know who that is."


    "You do. You know, Adam and Eve? I''m his first wife, Lilith. He couldn''t control me, so he banished me from Paradise to live in the wastes," she said.


    "Oh, I''m sorry. That must have been hard," Sarah said.


    "It''s fine. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. I''ve never felt more free in my life!" Lilith said.


    "That''s ironic, considering you''re trapped in a sword," I said.


    "I can feel free and be trapped at the same time. I''m allowed!" Lilith said.


    "Ok. I''ll let you do that. For now, though, I need you to melt the mind control device," I said. "And don''t scream."


    "Ok, fine. Mmmmm," she said.


    "That''s weirder, but carry on," I said.


    "Mmmmmmm!" she hummed.


    I took Azrael''s sword and pressed the tip against the heart medallion laying on the ground. It fizzled and sparked purple at first, but eventually melted under the intense heat. I picked up the chain with one less medallion on it and said, "Would you like this back?"


    "No. Keep them. They would remind me of being controlled, and I don''t want to feel that ever again. Besides, you''re the one who''s going to save the world, so you should have them," she said.


    "Ok, sounds good to me," I said, looking at the remaining medallions. One was a sword, another was a goat''s head, a third one was an hourglass, and the last one was an icicle. "Sword skills, charm resistance, and long range ice powers? Hell yeah. Now the hourglass, I suppose is just teleportation since Harvey said you''re not from the future?"


    "I don''t know. He said it allowed me to travel back and forth between the past and future, but I don''t know what it actually does," she said.


    "Maybe best not to mess with it," I said.


    I put the necklace around my neck and tucked it inside my shirt. I received a call on my phone and picked it up right away. "Yeah?"


    "The inside of that building was blocking my GPS. I''ll send you my coordinates through text," Lucifer said. "Get here quick. Something''s going down."


    "Will do," I said, hanging up. I immediately received his coordinates. "Alright, we need to go."


    "Ok," Sarah said.


    "Ok," Lilith said.


    Looking at my phone, I said, "It''s only three blocks away."


    I began walking, and Sarah followed. I had already put Azrael''s sword back in the sheath. After a 10 to 15-minute walk, we arrived at our destination. It was a random office building a few blocks off the strip. Lucifer was standing outside.


    "Ok, good. You''re here. Let''s go inside. You need to see this," he said.


    When we walked inside, it was a normal office lobby, aside from the dozens of flying imps that were watching over 7 pregnant satyrs. They all looked 11-months pregnant. The gestation period for antichrists must be really fast. They all seemed to be in labor simultaneously.


    "Seriously? 7 satyrs? Was that really necessary? Are we really going to have 7 antichrists on our hands?" I said.


    "Sorry. Satyrs are my weakness. It''s the horns. They make me¡ª" Lucifer said, shrugging.


    "Don''t say it," I said, interrupting him.


    "Fine. It does look like we''re going to have 7 antichrists very soon," he said.


    Lights started to shine above the 7 satyrs. They got brighter and brighter until they were blinding. When they dimmed, the satyrs were no longer pregnant, and the antichrists had been immaculately conceived. The way they looked was both hilarious and horrifying. They all looked identical. They were fully grown men resembling Lucifer with pale skin and black hair, except with small goat''s horns, wearing perfectly tailored white suits with black shirts and white ties. Their eyes glowed white.


    They all looked at each other for a minute, thinking, calculating. Then they spoke in unison, "Mutually assured destruction will result in failure. We must join forces. Very well. Ok. Stop. No, you stop. No, you stop!"


    I interrupted. "Would you all just stop talking and do what you''re going to do?" I yelled.


    "Very well," they all said. They all walked together into a circle and held hands. Lights shot out of their chests and eyes and mouths and gathered into a mass of light in the middle. Then they began to fade away into nothing. When they were gone, the light in the middle dimmed and one antichrist remained. "There. Happy?" I could still hear seven voices, just speaking over each other at the same time. It was uncanny.The author''s tale has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.


    "What is your name?" I said.


    "Hmm. Sssteeeeve. Steve," he said.


    "Ok, Steve. What do you want?" I said, a little wary of the being called the antichrist. I mean, he''s supposed to be evil, so why wouldn''t I be worried he''d turn out to be evil? I''d be stupid not to.


    "I suppose I want to fulfill my purpose," he said with a blank face.


    "Whoa, whoa! I am your creator and you will do as I say!" Harvey, I assumed by the voice, flapped his wings and flew over to where we were standing. He was a purple imp demon. He was about 3 feet tall and looked a little like a pterodactyl, if a pterodactyl had separate arms and wings and was 3 feet tall. "That said, yes, go fulfill your purpose. That''s all I want you to do."


    "You will not tell me what to do, even if it''s just to tell me to do what I was already going to do," Steve said. He grabbed Harvey and slammed him into the ground so hard that the floor beneath them cracked, and it was carpeted. Then he stepped on him. Steve looked around the room. "Does anyone else want to tell me what to do?"


    "No," I said. "I don''t want to tell you what to do. You can do whatever you want. But I do want to say that if it''s something bad, I will have to stop you."


    "You will stop nothing," he said. "I will do what I please. I will please myself whenever, wherever, and however I want."


    "Ok, I know you were just born, but you should be more careful with your words," I said, laughing.


    "What? That I want to pleasure myself? What is wrong with that? Isn''t pleasure what everyone wants?" Steve said.


    "That is true. Nevermind. Forget I said anything. Say that to whoever you want to," I said, struggling not to laugh.


    "Maybe I will!" he said, levitating and bright white light emanating from his body.


    "Hey, before you leave, I was hoping you could help me fill out a survey." I walked over to a desk and took a notepad and a pen off it. I held them like I was going to take notes. "So. On a scale from 1 to 10, how likely are you harm other people?"


    "If it pleases me, yes," Steve said.


    "You have to give a number from 1 to 10," I said.


    "I have to do no such thing!" He roared.


    "Sorry, I meant, if you want to properly answer the question, a number from 1 to 10 is required," I said.


    "Oh. Uh, 10 I suppose," he said.


    I scribbled on the notepad. "Ok. Next question. On a scale from 1 to 10, how likely are you to start the apocalypse?" I said.


    "Hmm. 10 again, I guess," he said.


    "Final question. If you were a washcloth, what¡ª" I said.


    "No more questions! You are wasting my time here while I could be out there pleasuring myself," he said.


    "True. It''s ok, I got the answers I was looking for," I said, drawing Azrael''s sword. "Lilith, are you ready?"


    "Almost. I''m just about done with my vocal warm-ups. La la la la la! Ok, I''m ready!" she said.


    I dashed up to Steve and plunged Azrael''s sword into his chest.


    "I do not like that. That is not pleasurable at all!" Steve roared. He backhanded me across the face, sending me and the sword flying, still firmly in my grasp. I watched the wound in his chest heal in seconds without a drop of blood spilt.


    "That''s not good," I said. "Lilith, I need you to flame on when I''m fighting him."


    "Ok! But I''ll have to hum," she said.


    "That''s fine. Whatever it takes to save the world. Also, I''m kind of getting used to your voice. Your hum is rather soothing in a stabbing myself in the ears sort of way," I said.


    "Thank you. I love to know that I cause you pain, Dave," she said.


    I got up and back onto my feet. I rushed at Steve while Lilith hummed. "Mmmmmm!!!!"


    Steve summoned a sword of light, similar to Raphael''s, that he blocked my over hand strike with. I pressed hard against it with both hands, cracking the sword. Suddenly, the sword of light broke, and Azrael''s sword sliced all the way through Steve''s body vertically. A left and right half of his body fell to the ground, but a living Steve remained.


    "How dare you kill me!" he yelled. I couldn''t be sure, but it sounded like 6 voices instead of 7 this time. He covered his fist in hard light and punched me in the chest. He sent me flying back, but more importantly, he stopped my heart.


    Everything was a blur after that. There were a lot of noises and yelling. I even think I heard Lucifer crying, but whether it was because I was going to die, or because he was going to lose the bet, I couldn''t tell.


    I woke up in my apartment on the couch. A pillow was behind my head and a snuggly warm blanket was over my body. I sat up and put the pillow and blanket off the side of the couch. My favorite TV show was playing on my least favorite streaming platform.


    "About time you woke up," Lucifer said, biting into an apple. "This apple is really good! Is probably what Eve was thinking when she betrayed my father and doomed humanity to be banished from Paradise for all eternity."


    "Hey, you," Sarah said, as she sat next to me and hugged me. "How are you feeling?"


    "I would hug you too, but I''m currently a sword," Lilith said. "I sure hope somebody gets around to fixing that. Eventually." She laughed nervously.


    "I feel fine," I said. "What happened after I died? Temporarily."


    "A lot of things, really," Lucifer said, taking another bite of his apple. "You should eat these more often. I hear they''re good for your heart."


    "What''s wrong with you?" I said.


    "Me? I''m fine. Why do you ask?" he said.


    "You''re acting like a jerk," I said.


    "Well, I''m sorry," he said sarcastically. "Maybe I have feelings too. Maybe I didn''t like seeing you die. Maybe watching my son kill you was not the most fun thing I could be doing on a Tuesday. Maybe carrying your lifeless body away from the scene and performing cpr on you for hours affected me in some way. I don''t know because I''m not supposed to have feelings! I''m the Devil, remember? I''m the bad guy!"


    "Hey. You''re allowed to have feelings, Lucifer. You just can''t let those feelings make you lash out at the people around you," I said weakly. I coughed a few times.


    "I don''t know how to do that!" he said.


    "Well, learn, asshole! Maybe grow for once in your life, and think about the pain and misery others might be feeling besides just your own!" I yelled at him. I couldn''t deal with his constant self pity right now on my literal deathbed. He mentioned hours had passed. That meant I didn''t have much time left.


    "Would you boys please stop fighting?" Sarah yelled.


    "Yeah, what she said!" Lilith commented.


    "Fine," I said.


    "Fine!" Lucifer said, crossing his arms and looking away.


    "I''ll tell you what happened, but as Lucifer said, it''s a lot," Sarah said. "Steve left you alone once we confirmed you were dead. He went off and started terrorizing people in Las Vegas. Lucifer then teleported us to the devil''s trap, and we dismantled the giant fan and devil''s trap with Azrael''s sword. Well, I did the dismantling. Lucifer did cpr."


    "I finally finished dismantling the trap around the time your heart started beating and you were breathing again. Then, Lucifer teleported us to your apartment, and you woke up."


    "Oh. I''m sorry I put you all through that. Truly, I am. But, Lucifer, shouldn''t you be happy the bet is almost over? You''re going to win. Isn''t that what you wanted?" I said.


    "It should be, but it isn''t. We failed man. We failed to stop Steve, and now the world''s going to end. All the amazing things that humans have created will be gone forever. Soap, toilet paper, margaritas. All gone. And I''m going to kill the world''s only chance of survival. You could do it, man. You could stop Steve. You just need another chance. But I''m going to take that all away," he said.


    "It''s not the end of the world," I said, and rethought what I just said. "Ok, it is the end of the world, but it''s not the end of the world yet. It still has you. You''re far stronger than me. You could defeat him."


    "I don''t think you understand, Dave," Lucifer said. "You''re special. You think other people have what it takes to stand up to the antichrist? I sure as hell don''t. I don''t have the heart, or the guts, or the balls. I mean, don''t get me wrong, I have balls. Like big manly balls¡ª"


    "Ok, we get it. You have big balls," I said, laughing slightly.


    "Right," he said. "But mine aren''t made of steel like yours."


    "I appreciate your confidence, but I''m nothing special. I just did what I had to do," I said.


    "And that''s exactly what makes you special," he said, laughing and smiling.


    My alarm on my phone went off.


    "Alright, it''s 7 o''clock. Are you ready to meet your maker?" Lucifer said, getting his fingers into snapping position.


    "Wait! He needs to take his medication!" Sarah said. She picked the bottle up off the coffee table, pulled a pill out, and handed it to me. Then she handed me a bottle of water. I noticed her hands were shaking.


    "Does he really need to do that?" Lucifer said. "He''s about to die."


    "Can you just let him have a bit of normalcy before it all ends?" Sarah said nervously.


    Something was wrong with the way Sarah was acting, but I didn''t have time to figure out why. I took my medication and said, "Ok, Lucy. Snap me out of existence."


    "I will when I''m ready. Don''t rush me! I still have 50 seconds," he said, a bead of sweat running down his face. "I''m gonna do it right now!" he said, but he didn''t snap. "That was just a warmup. Ok, now!" he said, but he still didn''t snap. "Snap damn you! Why won''t you snap?" he said, looking at his fingers.


    I started to feel weird. Like I was suffocating, but not just my lungs were out of breath. My whole body felt out of breath. Like, every cell in my body was suffocating at the same time. "I don''t feel so good," I said. Then everything went dark.