《Hiraeth》 Day 1 Benthyg dros amser byr yw popeth a geir yn y byd hwn. Everything you have in this world is only borrowed for a short time. Day 1 So small that it could fit in the palm of my hand. That¡¯s what I think when I first see it. So fragile, so hopelessly fragile. A little baby blue ball clothed in light green tapestries. Like earth, but softer. Like earth, but even more delicate. So much like earth. An enthusiastic chatter emerges throughout the shuttle. Lots of ¡®what ifs?¡¯ and ¡®maybe¡¯s were exchanged. What if this could be our new home? Maybe this could be our new home. ¡®It seems like the planet is already inhabited.¡¯, our captain exclaims through the intercom. Now the murmur becomes more of a cacophony. Others humans. Would they be cordial? Would they be hostile? Would they drive us away like the last five colonies? I do not know what to think, so I make my way over to the cockpit, where the Second mate and the Captain are arguing about what to do. ¡®We¡¯ve been travelling for way too long. This planet looks a lot more habitable than the last one.¡¯ ¡®We can¡¯t just make-¡® ¡®Let¡¯s send out a signal.¡¯, I hear our First mate say. ¡®Maybe ask if we have permission to land.¡¯ The Captain turns toward me. ¡®What do you think?¡¯ I think for a second. ¡®Guess there is no harm in asking.¡¯ We send out the signal of peace, followed by a request to land our vehicle. To our surprise we are greeted by a green sign and a request to make radio contact. We are almost afraid to make the connection. When Cap pushes the button, a composed but not unfriendly voice sounds through the speakers: ¡®This is your landing guide. I will send you the landing site coordinates and talk you through the landing process. Before we continue, I must ask for your consent with the following statement: you attest that you will not set foot on this planet with any ill intent. During your stay on this planet you will not exhibit any misconduct including, but not limited to violence, bigotry and other acts of hatred, drug abuse, theft, fraud or destruction of property. If you do not act in accordance to these rules, you declare hereby that we are allowed to take action to remove you from this planet, possibly using force if the circumstances demand it. Do you consent?¡¯ A stunned silence arises in the cockpit. Cap, First, Second and me all look each other in the eye. What do we do? ¡®I repeat, do you consent?¡¯, the voice sounds patiently through the intercom. ¡®Uh, we need one moment please.¡¯, Cap answers hastily. ¡®Take your time.¡¯, the voice answers. ¡®We can¡¯t keep cruising around forever.¡¯, Second whispers. First nods. ¡®We have enough food and still a third of our fuel left. However, we don¡¯t know when another opportunity to stack up on supplies will arise again.¡¯ Cap sighs. ¡®You¡¯re right, but I don¡¯t trust them one bit.¡¯ ¡®Neither do we.¡¯, Second says. ¡®Neither do we. But I don¡¯t see any better options floating around. Everyone in favor?¡¯ Everyone raises their hand. ¡®Then it¡¯s settled then.¡¯, Cap says as he contacts the unidentified voice. ¡®We consent.¡¯ The voice immediately responds: ¡®Then I welcome you to Hiraeth.¡¯ We land in what seems to be a secluded area, a stone plateau in the middle of several rock formations. Expecting an army to receive us, a lone man awaits us. ¡®He really seems to be all alone. What have we gotten ourselves into.¡¯, First whispers. When we take a closer up peek at him through our camera ships, he appears to be smiling, sheepishly. His skin and his hair are both caramel-colored and he is wearing¡­What is he wearing? ¡®What is he wearing?¡¯, Second reads my thoughts. The man seems to be wearing a long lavender robe with a pair of butter yellow, fluffy slippers. Around his neck he is wearing what looks like a long chain of rubies. Half of his hair is up in a bun, the rest of it is blowing in the wind. First is squinting his eyes, while Second is turning his head while observes him from head to toe. Cap pokes both of them. ¡®Stop staring. We can¡¯t just keep him waiting for us. Let¡¯s go.¡¯ We make it to the entrance of our ship, all wary and suspicious. But when we open the hatch we are immediately greeted by a deep, but warm voice. ¡®Welcome strangers! My name is Arwain. What brings you to this lovely planet?¡¯ I await an answer from Cap, but he looks at me with a questioning look. I cough and answer: ¡®We¡¯ve been travelling around the galaxy in search of a new home.¡¯ ¡®Preferably one with lots of greenery and plenty to eat.¡¯, Second adds. ¡®We do not want to be an inconvenience of course.¡¯ ¡®Well then you have come to the right place. Welcome to Hiraeth!¡¯, he greets us again. This content has been misappropriated from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere. Arwain leads us from our landing site toward a path of yellow stones. While we follow the path, the vegetation transforms from prickly, dry shrubbery to more lively bushes and grass. It was like the world was painted stroke by stroke of lovely green color until finally we reach the start of a forest. It¡¯s the first time I''ve seen trees in a long time. The leaves are lighter than I remember, the trunk smoother and warmer than I remember. Maybe trees on this planet grow differently or maybe it¡¯s just my memory failing me. Whatever it may be, it feels good to let my hand graze the bark. I close my eyes and listen, the air whistling through the leaves sounding like a nostalgic song from my childhood. I am not the only one gripped by the nostalgia of this place. The rest of the crew is wandering around; Cap rips a leaf of a tree and inspects it like it¡¯s a rare jewel, Second lays down in the grass, grabbing handfuls of it as if trying to make up for every moment we lost while roaming in space. Arwain must think we are mad, but we cannot help ourselves. Take a person roaming the desert for three weeks. Could he help himself from guzzling the first glass of water handed to him before thanking the person who gave it to him? I am surprised to find Arwain looking at us empathetically. ¡®You know, this place got its name for a reason. The great discoverer who found this planet called it Hiraeth. The word refers to a homesickness for a home you can¡¯t return to. And so Hiraeth was born, a haven for everyone who lost their home.¡¯ I breathe in as much of the fresh, oxygen filled air as I can, before turning towards him. ¡®You¡¯ve lost your home?¡¯ He smiles sadly. ¡®A long time ago. Sometimes it feels like another lifetime.¡¯ Most of the crew nods slowly. I think we can all understand him. ¡®But those days are over.¡¯, he continues chipperly. ¡®Now you are here.¡¯ He brings us to what I guess could be considered a small town filled with simple white buildings. ¡®This is the second biggest town, Nyth. It¡¯s not much, but it is home.¡¯ In exploring the galaxy, I had seen cities of inky black glass skyscrapers and intricately carved formations of orange stone. This town was infinitely more beautiful. This town did not start up an extermination program once you approached it. We walk up to the front step of one of the bigger buildings. A sign at the window sill says: ¡®Cynefin guest house¡¯. After Arwain knocks, a stocky, but friendly looking woman with honey blonde hair opens the door. ¡®I brought our new visitors.¡¯, Arwain announces. People must have been informed about our presence. I do not blame them. Alien spaceships generally do not always bring good fortune. The woman introduces herself as Rhian and welcomes us into a building. The inside of the building is as simple and amiable as the town itself. The room smells like lemon mixed with peaches and cream. Butter yellow couches and a birchwood table make up a waiting area. To the left of the waiting area stands a front desk that matches the table. Rhian walks behind the desk and pulls out a few forms and a pen. ¡®You must all be very tired from your trip, but we ask all our visitors and potential new residents to fill in a few forms. Besides that, an ambassador of Hiraeth will find you in a moment to tell you something about the way things work around here.¡¯ I think we are all dumbfounded by our reception. It almost feels like we are on holiday. In a moment, we will leave this place to go sightseeing and take a few pictures to put in our photo album. I can see on his face that Second is about to say something stupid about the situation. Cap kicks him in the shins before he is able to. Our responsible leader picks up the forms and says: ¡®We¡¯ll start filling these in for you.¡¯ Once we have filled in a form, a tall and dry looking man enters the room and tells us about this planet and the rules and regulations we have to abide by, the process of becoming a citizen, etc. One of the most important things he tells us, and frankly, the only interesting thing he tells us, is about the discovery of this planet. The story is similar to any origin story of the long lost nations of earth; it is a bit patriotic and paints a picture of the founder as a mythical hero, a brave pioneer, contrary to a very human fortune hunter. ¡®The foundation of this community, the discovery and development of this planet, it would all have been impossible if the inhabitants of the planet Amddifad had not encountered the Great Founder. They met her around three hundred years ago. Their planet had been destroyed by a meteorite shower, her planet had been destroyed by a decades long war. Separately, they had been searching for a new planet. Instead, the inhabitants of Amddifad found someone to inspire them and she found her people. Because of their smooth cooperation, it took them not too long to find a new home together. Based on their common background, they decided to call it Hiraeth, symbol of their longing to a home planet they could not return to. Because the great founder knew what had happened to her old planet, she lobbied extensively for a strict no violence policy and tight regulations around carrying weapons. Therefore, anyone in possession of firearms without legitimate reason will be banished from this planet. The same fate will happen to those who spread violence and hate. That way she created a home for all who have lost theirs, a new beginning for all orphans of space.¡¯ First rolls his eyes and Cap tries not to. After that very inspiring speech, the ambassador gives us a few more forms to fill in and gives us a halfhearted goodbye before leaving. Then Rhian brings us to our rooms. I share a place with Cap, First and Second, which consists of a living room, a bedroom with two bunkbeds, a bathroom and even a small kitchen. Though it is not the most luxurious space I have ever seen, it is infinitely more than I think all of us had expected. We throw down our stuff in the bedroom. Second immediately plops down on one of the bottom beds and falls asleep. Cap and First decide to explore the building, while I stay at our place to keep an eye on our stuff. While we have been received warmly, we still have scarce information about who these people are. As I take place at the kitchen table, the glass vase placed on top of it grabs my attention. It¡¯s filled with flowers. Bright lime green flowers with delicately curved turquoise tips as if they were dipped in sea-colored paint. Golden pistils spring from the hearts of the alien belles. When I touch one of them, the leaf curls around my finger. ¡®What are these?¡¯, I ask in awe. ¡®They are called calennig. It¡¯s a flower native to this planet that the founders discovered in one of the caves when they first arrived here.¡¯ It is magnificent. ¡®Could I maybe take one of them with me?¡¯ ¡®Sure, I¡¯ll bring you one after I return from my rounds to the market.¡¯, she answers as she walks towards the table. In one swoop she picks up the flowers from the vase. ¡®These ones are getting a little stale.¡¯ She pulls out what I would assume is a garbage bin from under the table and drops the flowers in it. Upon further inspection, I can see what she is talking about. Some of the leaves are getting parched and brittle and a few of the stems are sagging a bit under the weight of the flowers. I pull one of them out from the trash. ¡®This one will do just fine.¡¯ I put the calennig in my map filled with all the other treasures I managed to snag from the planets we have travelled to so far. A shard of black glass, an opalescent stone, a piece of a thick cloth and a paperthin green leaf. A smashed lime-green lamp and a copper-colored bolt. Though our visits might have been short, I still managed to bring a physical memory with me from each of those places. That¡¯s when I notice that photo. That photo of you and me. Celebrating the passing of a new year. Another year of surviving. I should have thrown that picture away years ago, but I guess now is as good a time as any. But before I even make it to the garbage bin, I turn around again. Carefully, I put it back between my other memories. I guess it will have to stay there for another while. We share a homely dinner of an interestingly colored soup and something that resembles bread in structure, but tastes like beans. Arwain and Rhian are there, as well as a few other people from this planet. Everyone treats us cordially, but I do not manage to feel entirely comfortable. After dinner, all of our crew is still drained, so we go to bed quickly. But as soon as my head hits my cushion my thoughts start racing. I remain awake for what must be hours before my thoughts finally quiet down to an inaudible, but frantic buzz. Welcome to Hiraeth. Day 2 The next day Arwain takes us on a trip around Nyth. In exploring the town, we get to see how small it really is. The Cynefin guest house is located at the edge of a long, smooth road that is mostly empty, except for a few cars, which remind me of the old citro?n 2CV. A couple of children are skipping along on the sidewalk. They seem to be blowing soap bubbles. One of them creates a little snowman by stacking three bubbles on top of each other. The others laugh and try to catch it, which makes it burst and makes them giggle even louder. The road that leads to the town center, a town square surrounded by pastel colored houses. It is filled with people, busy hurrying along as people do, but they do not seem to mind it. One woman is hanging from a window, short black hair blowing in the wind, singing a song as she hangs her laundry out to dry. A real life Snow White. As we make our way across the town square and I have to try to not lose sight of the others in the crowd, the air feels a little harder to breathe and I cannot help but feel smothered. I write it off as not having been around this amount of people in a while now. But something tells me it is more than that and it bothers me to not be able to lay my finger on it. To stop thinking about it, I shift my attention to the individuals in the crowd surrounding me. They are all clothed in colorful, light robes that match the houses; peach and powdery blue, lavender and lemon yellow, seagreen and seashell. But most importantly, they seem to be wearing high quality fabrics, silks and velvets and all kinds of material I have never seen before. Their necklaces are laced with gems in the most creative and strange shapes. Our first mate must have noticed it too. Once we finally make it out of the crowd and I have let out a big sigh, he asks Arwain: ¡®How come the people in this place are able to dress so luxuriously?¡¯ Immediately I¡¯m afraid we must have offended him and that he is readying himself to throw us off this planet, but he just smiles and answers: ¡®When the Founder first arrived here, a few brave explorers found out that this planet has a very extensive cave system. Initially led there by traces of gold, they decided to thoroughly investigate the cave for other treasures. During this expedition they stumbled upon a special alloy. Inside this alloy, which has since been named enaid, a reaction takes place that causes the substance to glow a blue light. We do not exactly know what that reaction is, but it must either be a very slow reaction or take very little resources, because none of the enaid that has been found has stopped glowing yet. You can imagine that such a substance does well on the interplanetary market.¡¯ ¡®And you are not afraid that anyone might be so interested in this substance, that they¡¯d be willing to bypass the whole transaction and instead take it straight from the source?¡¯, Second asks. ¡®And you don¡¯t think we didn¡¯t invest in measures to protect this place if that scenario were to happen?¡¯. He grins knowingly. ¡®We might be peace-loving folk, but we aren¡¯t as na?ve as you think.¡¯ I wait for a few hours while the others go to sleep one by one. It is not like I would be able to fall asleep anyway, I think, as I slowly pull out the rusty ladder and make my way over to the roof. In a world where artificial light is scarce, you really get a glance at how insane it is to think that we might be the only living creatures in this universe. Stars and stars as far as the eye can see, forming their own solar systems. A symphony of light arriving here from thousands of light years away. You would think I might get bored from looking at it, after experiencing it for hundreds of years. But I think those stars became as close of a friend to me as one could be. And the experience is different now that I have my feet on solid ground again. Here, I feel like a spectator, observing from a distance, instead of a part of that ocean of galaxies. ¡®It doesn¡¯t get any less amazing, does it.¡¯, I hear a whisper beside me. I must have rocketed five feet into the air. As I get ready to attack my mugger, I realize it¡¯s Arwain. He calms me down. ¡®Don¡¯t worry, I¡¯m not here to attack you.¡¯ My heart feels like it is about to jump out of my chest. ¡®It would be nice if you could warn me in advance next time. What are you doing here?¡¯ He shrugs. ¡®I often sleep here.¡¯, he says as he points to a mattress in the corner of the roof. ¡®The stars always had a calming effect on me.¡¯ ¡®Sorry for disturbing your sleep then.¡¯ He shrugs again and turns to look at the stars. It remains quiet for a while and I¡¯m wondering if I should leave him alone. Then he points at the sky. ¡®Do you see that cluster of stars?¡¯ I try to follow his finger, but there are too many stars to be sure of what he is talking about. ¡®Find the biggest, brightest star in the sky.¡¯, he continues. I find it easily, as it is at least thrice as bright as the other stars and has a faint pink aura. ¡®I see it.¡¯ ¡®Good. You might have noticed that it has a pink glow. That¡¯s why we call it Briallen or Primrose. Now, if you look to the left of it, you might be able to see a circle of smaller stars.¡¯ I nod slowly. ¡®Imagine that circle is a wheel. If you extend your view towards Briallen again, you might see that the wheel is attached to a barrow with a very long handle, with Briallen in the middle of the barrow.¡¯ It takes me a while to see, but once I see it, I cannot unsee the wheelbarrow in the sky. ¡®We accurately call it the Wilber constellation, which means wheelbarrow.¡¯, he says. With a sense of wonder he looks at Briallen, before continuing: ¡®Around here, there is not much in terms of entertainment. So a game we made up to fill our need for entertainment is to make up a mythical origin story about how Wilber came to be. The person who comes up with the most original story, can ask the other person any question they want.¡¯ He looks at me expectantly. Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on the original website. I nod slowly. ¡®Okay, I¡¯m in. But you have to go first.¡¯ ¡®That¡¯s a deal.¡¯ He nods, coughs and starts his story: ¡®There once was a farmer who was very handsome. This handsome farmer lived in a very beautiful land, far away from here, with gardens with the most fertile soil that overflowed with flowers and fruit. He himself had the most fruitful garden of them all, acres and acres of crops he harvested each year. This caused him to become one of the wealthiest men in the country. But the funny thing about being human, is that no wealth is ever enough to satisfy, so the farmer sought for that what he did not yet have and could not have. It considered a fair maiden who was betrothed to a formidable baron, who was, coincidentally, the farmer¡¯s biggest rival in the agriculture industry. The farmer asked for her hand. She was willing to consider him, if and only if the farmer brought her a wheelbarrow filled with his finest primroses, which were the rarest of all flowers in this land. So the farmer brought here a wheelbarrow of primroses. And the lady took the flowers, but she did not take the farmer. After storing the roses away safely, she called on her husband to be and told him about the farmer who dared to approach her in this perverted way. The severely offended farmer took it upon himself to bring retribution for this sinful act. Together with a few of his knights, he burned down part of the farmer¡¯s garden. The farmer, blinded by rage, returned the favor, destroying land of the baron and his deceitful minx. This move was of course met with another push back from the baron, which in turn caused the farmer to react angrily. The fight continued until every piece of land of both the farmer and the baron was annihilated and they were both left empty handed. Now, you have to know that the combined land of this baron and farmer was extensive and fed about fifty percent of the country¡¯s population. When their argument blew out of proportion and the harvest was destroyed, it threw the land in a crisis. While starvation was imminent, this problem might have been solved if it weren¡¯t for the whole political and economic system falling apart. The aftermath was more than just ugly, a grim and abhorrent picture of death and despair. The farmer had enough money left to leave the country and start a land elsewhere. But he will never forget the wheelbarrow of primroses, the thing that started it all and a symbol for what happens when you let greed and desire get the better of you.¡¯ A pair of old, run down eyes stares far into the distance, behind the planets of this solar system to a solar system far away. After a deep silence, Arwain turns to me. ¡®Your turn.¡¯, he says with his smile, while he rearranges the collar of his purple cape. I know what story to tell, but I think for a moment on how to start. ¡®This is a story about the origin land of all people. In its prime, development was off the charts and growth of the population was rapid. However a crisis arose, since the land was a small land which could not fit all its new, wonderful inhabitants. In search of a solution, the inhabitants decided to spread out to other lands, over the hills and across the seven seas and the origin land became great once again. But because of the increase in immigration, endless possible lands were discovered in the process, many that were higher in riches than the origin land. The opposite problem was now at hand, there were too few people willing to stay in the land to keep its society turning. A few young, brave knights willing to find for their motherland, decided to found the order of Briallen, with on their banner a primrose, a symbol for youth and new beginnings. Their goal was to reestablish the political and economic structure of the land. They all swore an oath to protect the land until the day they died. At the time they all imagined this day to arrive in a few decades. However, in the discovery of a new land, an explorer had brought back a special herb. An alchemist that was tinkering with this herb brewed a potion that turned out to be a cure against the aging process. All knights took the potion, which bound them to the planet for an eternity. One of the knights, the red knight, knew that during their oath they did not take into account this turning of circumstances. She brought the issue to the order and all decided to declare the oath invalid. A few of the other knights decided to take a new oath, again swearing to protect the earth until its death. The red knight asked them to reconsider, to ask themselves whether they were able to make this commitment. But all of them swore that they would be there, fighting for the planet until its deathbed. So the red knight swore with them, blinded by a belief that the others would not betray their oath. But when times got tough and wars broke out, the knights faith in their cause started to falter. The foundation of their order was crumbling, doubt trickled in until the order came apart. One knight, the green knight, was the first to leave, the first to betray the oath. A letter with empty words explained in summary that the green knight had gone to search for fame and fortune elsewhere. This knight had fought side by side with the red knight since the beginning. The red knight considered this knight one of her most trusted allies and one of her dearest friends. But when push came to shove, this friend left her behind. And with her disappearance, one sheep had strayed and the rest followed. Only a few remained, including the red knight who could not betray her oath. But with the others gone, there were too few left to fight for the fate of the origin land. The land was torn apart by warlords and bandits. With no land to defend, the knights that remained were freed from their oath, with the price being everything. Everything they had given their lives for, they had given up eternal slumber for, was gone. So they were forced to leave, to seek refuge elsewhere. But after all this time, centuries they had spent fighting for a dying land, no other land was willing to take them in. All the humans that had left ages ago had claimed their own place and they were willing to fight to defend it. It is said that, even to this day, the remaining knights still wander under the primrose banner, searching for a new place they can call home.¡¯ When I end my story, Arwain is still smiling his docile smile at me. ¡®I am not an authority on what makes a good story, but I certainly consider yours to be one of them.¡¯ I do not know how to answer. I end up giving him a simple ¡®thanks¡¯, and hope that will suffice. ¡®However¡¯, Arwain continues, ¡®now we have a problem. How do we decide which of our stories was the best? We don¡¯t exactly have an unbiased jury who can decide for us.¡¯ ¡®I guess that makes the outcome of this competition a tie then.¡¯, I answer. ¡® I guess that would be fair. So, that means we can both ask each other a question.¡¯ Before I can react, his normally glossy gaze becomes sharp as he asks me: ¡®Has the red knight managed to become independent from the green knight?¡¯ Caught off guard, I answer hastily. ¡®Well of course, the green knight has left many centuries ago. The red knight has had to fight for herself all that time.¡¯ ¡®That¡¯s not what I mean.¡¯ He still smiles, but it seems like a veil has been removed, as if he has taken off his cloak of a simple and agreeable character. ¡®Independence is not merely a matter of material dependency, it¡¯s also a mental dependency. I guess what I am asking is, is the red knight still mentally dependent on the idea of the green knight?¡¯ I snort, but his words feel like I am being punctured by a thousand icicles. ¡®No.¡¯, I answer. ¡®My turn.¡¯ Arwain nods and looks at me as if I have given him the answer he wanted. But two can play at this game. ¡®If the farmer could speak to the fair lady one last time, what would he want to say?¡¯ Arwain smiles, a smile belonging to an eagle. He stands up before he says: ¡®He would probably be mad at her. But in his anger he would realize he is not the person to be calling the kettle black. He would realize when he saw her, that he was not the only one feeling consumed by guilt. And in leaving the dying land, he would forgive her and be merciful, taking her with him.¡¯ He had walked towards his makeshift bed and he turned around a final time. ¡®And maybe, just maybe, they would find a new land, where they would both work hard to help others and try to make up for their past. One step at a time.¡¯ And again, he smiled a docile smile, his eyes glossy and soft again. ¡®Goodnight Red.¡¯ Day 99 We think of time as a linear concept, but these days I would swear it was not. Hours turned into days and days turned into weeks into months. We never consciously made the decision to stay, we just never made the decision to leave, causing us to indirectly choose to stay. The first days we roamed around, still a little lost. Then Rhian noticed that one of our crew members was a very good cook and asked him if he wanted to work in one of the town¡¯s kitchens. Haven been given such a warm welcome, he could not refuse. One by one we are being engulfed by the system. Cap works at the town¡¯s office of interplanetary affairs, where he is highly needed, as the amount of space immigrants is rapidly increasing. Our crew does not seem to be the only one searching for a home. Second works as a mechanic, fixing the town¡¯s small supply of cars. First works as a more general consultant. I work in Nyth¡¯s garden, where I help to set up a system to use biowaste as fuel for the town¡¯s heating system. Though Hiraeth¡¯s population remains small, I know how fast that can change and how scarce natural resources can turn out to be. Others in the garden are friendly people. Many are not native to the planet, but have immigrated over the years. One notices the differences immediately. The best way I know to describe it is that those who were born on this planet tend to be smooth and soft, whereas the newcomers have a bit more bumps to them. The immigrants tend to love working in the garden, maybe because they love seeing life be created instead of destroyed. The first time they talk to someone they speak in a pleasant way, hobnobbing about the weather or nature. Surface-level. But once one asks them a question that really concerns them, a switch turns on. Sometimes it is hard to notice how deep of a mine I dive into when I ask these people a question. One moment I could be talking about the new neighbors and the next old wounds are shared or deep guilts or lifetimes of nostalgia. Sometimes it overwhelms me, but I like how it gives a bit of weight to my day. And as long as they talk, I can listen. But still something gnaws at the edge of my consciousness and it becomes bigger and louder with every moment. I try to ignore it, act as if it is speaking another language I cannot understand, but I know what it says. You do not belong here. You have to leave. It battles for attention with the other voices in my head and it is defeated by another every time. What if you never find a place like this again? A few members of our crew already signed up for housing in Nyth and I know that one day I would have to make a final decision about whether or not I will join them. I almost wish someone can make that decision for me. For now I push the matter to the attic of my mind. Together with Cap, First, Second and Arwain, I will visit Deml, more commonly known among the community as BF. BF is a four thousand square feet, extravagant temple. It¡¯s covered in small pieces of glass and crystal placed in a scale pattern, hence the nickname BF, Big Fish. The building was an initiative by a few of Hiraeth¡¯s natives and newcomers to give the planet a more rich culture. Because it is a newly inhabited planet, there are no monuments or religious spaces, which a few of the elders commented on as being ¡®a severe loss of human heritage¡¯. As Rhian told me, BF was built as a sort of religious space, not so much a sanctum to worship any specific gods, but where a more general spiritual air prevails. Besides forming a pinnacle of human heritage, it was built to create a feeling of community. Establish a sense of nationalism, or planetism in this case. Who knows whether the initiative will succeed in their efforts to bring people together. Earth¡¯s history shows that any attempts to forcefully create solidarity among people are often met with resistance. However, small groups of people already gather around BF. We make our way through the gigantic, wooden doors into a still soberly decorated interior. Not as many visitors have made it into the sanctuary. Maybe the people outside are too engrossed in its shiny exterior to see what its inner sanctum looks like. Poor BF. I am surprised to see how much of the temple is inspired by the churches and other sanctuaries I know. The roof of the building is held up by grand arches. The floor is filled with small seating areas, soft cushions in Hiraeth¡¯s characteristic pastel colors. Between the cushions a path leads to the front of BF, where a large altar is placed under a round window. Placed on the altar is a statue of two pilgrims shaking hands with the remark: ¡®United we stand, divided we fall.¡¯ I guess it does get the point across. If you encounter this narrative on Amazon, note that it''s taken without the author''s consent. Report it. A box of candles is located at the bottom of the altar. I take one of the candles to light and put it next to the other candles, in remembrance of an old home. Cap and Arwain burn a candle as well. I know Arwain¡¯s thought behind the gesture, but I wonder what Cap is thinking. His brows are furrowed and he scratches his chin as he stares in the distance. But before I can even think about asking him about his thoughts, Second, screams from the back room of the temple: ¡®Wow, who is this?¡¯ The sound echoes back and forth, which makes a few people glance at us with an irritated look. Cap slaps his forehead and I shake my head. Arwain just grins and makes his way over to Second. From the distance, I hear Arwain explain: ¡®That is a painting of the Great Founder.¡¯ ¡®Aha,¡¯ Second says, ¡®so they placed it here to commemorate her.¡¯ ¡®Moreso to thank her efforts in the discovery of this planet and the work she still puts in this community till this day.¡¯ The hair on the back of my neck prickles when I hear that statement. ¡®Wait, you mean she is still alive? Did she not discover this planet centuries ago?¡¯ ¡®Yes, the Founder is immortal.¡¯ Cap is notably shocked and First has gone quiet as well. Unless somewhere at the other edge of the universe, people found a cure against aging as well, there are only so many immortals roaming around in space. I make my way over to the back room. And that¡¯s when I get to see a seven feet long painting of your face. Besides small smiling lines, it¡¯s mostly wrinkle-free. Your smile still as bright as I remember, maybe even brighter. Golden blonde hair framing your oh so perfect face. ¡®Excuse me.¡¯, I mumble quickly as I run out of the door. Just in time I reach a garbage bin. I throw up until my stomach is empty. It takes me a few minutes to stop gagging. I don¡¯t know if it¡¯s the spit dripping from my face, the stench of the mixture of garbage and vomit or the weakness in my limbs, but I feel vile. After I wipe my mouth I sink down in a corner and cry. I shake and cold waves roll of my shoulders. But then I think a thought that shakes me out of the debilitating sadness. Arwain knew. He knew it was you. And I run back to the backroom where everyone else is still waiting. Cap, First and Second all look at me concerned, but I am not concerned with them. I turn to Arwain and barely manage to whisper: ¡®You knew.¡¯ He remains silent, so I repeat myself. ¡®You knew she was the Founder.¡¯ ¡®I did not.¡¯ ¡®Liar!¡¯ The acoustics of the room shrill and sharpen my voice. ¡®I did not know for sure, though I had my suspicions.¡¯, Arwain says calmly. He knew. ¡®Maybe you should talk to her about it.¡¯, Arwain says. I chuckle a hard laugh. ¡®Yeah, maybe I should. Why don¡¯t you bring me to her?¡¯ ¡®I will.¡¯, he says. The rest of the crew looks shocked. ¡®Are you crazy?!¡¯, Cap yells, but Arwain ignores him. ¡®Since it¡¯s Monday, she will probably be out of town today. But if you want, I will bring you to her tomorrow.¡¯ With a big snarl I stick out my hand. ¡®Then it¡¯s a deal, I say.¡¯ After this great reveal, we return to Cynefin at once. During our walk, Cap and First try to convince Arwain to not take me to you. But Arwain remains silent. Meanwhile, Second walks in the back like a beaten puppy, visibly feeling guilty for starting this discussion. It is not his fault, how could he have known? Cap and First and Second, they don¡¯t really know you. They joined the order after you left, so they never got to know firsthand your toxic and cowardly nature. I do not blame them. They are not the ones to blame. The rest of the day proceeds without many a sound, though everyone who would have been present would have felt its noisiness, the cacophony that hides behind the silence. I hear the confused and concerned whispers from the crew behind my back. I hear Cap and First discussing the situation in hushed voices. I hear the thoughts in my head swell, swarms of killer bees. They never stop, not even after hours of laying awake at night. Something inside me finds this very funny, slapping my knees roaring with laughter funny. Karma or fate or whatever you might call it is really a very funny thing. Tomorrow I will get to see in person the person who betrayed me the most. The day of justice has finally arrived. Day 100 Arwain had promised me he would be waiting for me outside the Cynefin at 9 AM. At 8 AM I put on clothes, had dinner and am sitting at the dinner chair, waiting. When I walk outside at 9 AM sharp, Arwain is waiting for me, that sheepish smile still plastered on his face. He greets me, I ignore him. He does not seem surprised. The deadening silence of the previous day continues as we walk towards the town center. It certainly is a weird thought to think that you have been present a few miles away from me for a hundred days now. You would think I would have noticed, that I would have felt something. Maybe you were the discomfort I felt all along, a septic presence muddling my thoughts. We arrive at the town hall. Do you really live here? But no, Arwain points at the small, pink flat next to the town hall. ¡®That¡¯s her office.¡¯, he says. One would think that the Great Founder would have taken a more prestigious building to be her office. Is it modesty? Or is it the sign of a deep guilt, knowing that you do not deserve any of the luxuries you have claimed for yourself. We go inside, where what I assume to be your secretary is typing rapidly at her desk. For a moment the rattle of her keypad stops and she looks up. ¡®Did you make an appointment?¡¯, she says. ¡®It¡¯s an emergency.¡¯, Arwain says. Her fingers go back to frantically tapping keys, before she looks up again. ¡®Okay, wait here for five minutes.¡¯ We spent the waiting time sitting on a set of mint green sofas. Five more minutes of silence pass by. I do not care in the slightest. What are another five minutes on centuries of waiting? Finally, the secretary looks up for a third time to call us over. ¡®Okay, the Great Founder will see you now.¡¯ Her comment cracks me up. You really are the Great Founder to all of them. What would they think of you when they knew what I knew? As always, Arwain tells me goodbye chipperly. And seemingly lightly, he says: ¡®And, take it easy in there. Don¡¯t destroy anything too precious, will ya? I don¡¯t want to come in there and get you.¡¯ But I see his sharp gaze and I know that this is far from a light comment. Is it a threat? I smile the biggest smile I can muster. ¡®I¡¯ll be good. Besides, if I destroy anything too important, I can always flee to another planet and start over, right?¡¯ He does not stop smiling for a moment, though the light in his eyes dims a little. The secretary seems a bit concerned, but says nothing. No one seems to ever speak their mind around here, do they? I walk to the door and enter your office. There you are! Blonde curling neatly over your shoulder. A colorful and eccentric, but at the same time impeccable outfit. Arched over a perfectly smooth, light wooden desk. Green, doe eyes looking up at me, quick to conceal the shock you experience once you recognize me. ¡®Red?, what a surprise, I thought I¡¯d never see you he-¡® ¡®SHUT UP!¡¯ Your eyes widen, your mouth still opened slightly. ¡®JUST SHUT UP.¡¯ The veins in my head are throbbing. I want to throw your perfectly polished desk at your perfectly polished head. And then I want to wreck this miserable little planet, this giant lie you created. I manage to regain myself a bit and in a hushed voice I say: ¡®This is where you went off to? This is where you ran off to when the earth was falling apart?!¡¯ ¡®Well yes, but it is not as you think it is.¡¯ ¡®How is this not as I think it is?¡¯ I can¡¯t keep my tone from rising. My eyes feel like they are about to pop out of your head. ¡®You came here to play the little hero, the Great Founder who builds a home for all the little space orphans. You are unbelievable, absolutely unbelievable!¡¯ You reach out to me, begging. I almost slap away your hand. ¡®Do not touch me!¡¯ For a moment I am so filled with hatred that I cannot speak. ¡®Earth is dead.¡¯ Your eyes widen as you act surprised. ¡®I didn¡¯t know. I¡¯m so sorry, I-¡® ¡®You know it¡¯s your fault, right? After you, they all left.¡¯ I¡¯m heaving and my chest aches. ¡®Earth would still be here if it wasn¡¯t for you. You and the thousands of fighters who swore on their life that they would protect earth. You all ran away like cowards the second things got tough. I asked you, I asked them a million times if they wanted to stay. They said yes, you said yes, each and every time. How can you live with yourself?¡¯ ¡®I just couldn¡¯t say I wanted to leave. I don¡¯t think I even knew it.¡¯ That¡¯s bullshit. ¡®That¡¯s bullshit! How can you not know? After all this time.¡¯ ¡®Hiraeth has another meaning. Besides a homesickness to a home you can¡¯t return to, it¡¯s also a homesickness to a home which never was. A yearning instead of a nostalgia.¡¯ When I do not answer, you keep talking. ¡®That¡¯s what this place is to me, the place I always wanted, the place I knew in my deepest of being I belonged to. And that¡¯s why I left earth, because it wasn¡¯t that place.¡¯ I snicker, my blood boiling with a poisonous fury. ¡®Of course it wasn¡¯t. No place was ever going to satisfy your fairytale dreams. So you just created your own little wonderland. One where you can play with your dolls forever, play house with the seven dwarves.¡¯ ¡®That¡¯s not fair.¡¯ Unlawfully taken from Royal Road, this story should be reported if seen on Amazon. ¡®Is it? You know these people all adore you, right? That they think of you as their savior, their messiah? The one who built a place for the lost to be found. But you never intended this place for anyone but yourself.¡¯ I walk closer and closer to you. ¡®Because you don¡¯t care, really care, about anything or anyone other than you.¡¯ ¡®That¡¯s not true, I love all of them. I would give my life for all of these people.¡¯ You try to be as mild-mannered and calm as you always were, but eyes are a liar¡¯s worst enemy. And in the midst of that well-kept exterior your eyes confess shame. ¡®If that¡¯s true, why didn¡¯t you tell them the truth?¡¯ Now, when my face is only inches away from yours, your eyes scream your guilt. I whisper: ¡®Why don¡¯t you just tell them that you didn¡¯t find this place because you had no home left to return to. That your home still existed and you left it to DIE. That you are no Great Founder. That you are a traitor. ¡¯ I can hear the smallest whimper exit her mouth. ¡®I can¡¯t.¡¯ I have you, I totally have you. If the people of this planet hear who you really are, then you will experience firsthand what abandonment feels like. After all these years, these centuries of suffering that felt like eternity, I finally have my revenge. They say nothing tastes sweeter than revenge. And in this moment revenge tastes like sweet, sweet chocolate wrapped in candyfloss. I do not know if you have ever had candyfloss before. It tastes like the greatest thing you have ever had when you first take a bite. But with the tenth bite you are ready to throw up. Revenge feels a little like that. For a second it is ecstasy. Within ten seconds that feeling withers and decays and you are left feeling sick. I feel so sick I feel mute again. You are still looking at me, a little scared, a little guilty, maybe a bit pitying. It makes me feel even more nauseated. I have to leave. I have to leave before I throw up again. It is the only thought that fills my head as I storm out of your office and slam the door shut. In a flurry I rush back to Cynefin. I see nothing and hear nothing but static as I walk up the stairs. Nothing registers until a voice drowns out the noise. ¡®Red!¡¯ Arwain stares at me with something resembling concern on his face. ¡®How did it go?¡¯ It takes me ages to answer, as my body is physically unable to. When I do manage to produce the words, I feel weak. ¡®I did not kill her at least.¡¯ I expect him to scream at me or console me or criticize me or to just tell me everything is going to be okay. Instead, he tells me to write down my feelings. The mere words inflame in me an anger that could burn down cities. That someone can tell me that a centuries old torment involving the loss of one¡¯s whole life could be solved by putting it down onto paper is a vulgar insult to say the least. Seeing the white hot anger in my eyes perhaps, he tells me that it is not the solution to everything, just a start. That it was a start for him too. And considering that I do not have anywhere to start, I follow his advice. From the little belongings I have, I fetch a piece of paper and a pen and start writing. I start writing a letter to you starting with how I hate you. I hate how everything always comes easy to you. I hate that everyone always loves you for merely existing, for merely being you. I hate that things just seem to fall in to place for you. I hate that you do not notice that things just fall into place for you. I hate that you do not notice how hard I have to fight just for people to endure me. I hate that you do not seem to see that every waking day I have to push myself to make it through. I hate that I feel guilty once I think these thoughts, because deeming my suffering more impactful than yours seems arrogant and egotistical. I wish I could just be arrogant and egotistical and selfish. I wish I would have, could have taken revenge on every one who left me behind so that they could experience a sliver of what it feels to be the one who is left behind. I wish I could actually hate you. I wish I did not hate myself. I wish that I had enough self-respect to leave a planet entering its deathbed; to not hold onto withered flowers and find the blooming ones instead. And now that I write this letter I secretly wish that it did not make me feel as relieved as it does, because it means that Arwain was right and more importantly that I was wrong. And I hate being wrong. When I start going around in circles I realize I have written what I needed to write and I lay down my pen and search for Rhian. I ask her where I can find the calennig. ¡®At the marketplace.¡¯, she tells me again. ¡®I¡¯ll buy you a bunch, it¡¯s no worry.¡¯, she tells me again. ¡®But where does it grow?¡¯ ¡®In the caves east from the town. But I don¡¯t know if it¡¯s safe to go there.¡¯ I tell her I¡¯ll be fine, but she comes with me anyway. It¡¯s an hour hike to the caves. The weather is beautiful as always. ¡®Does it ever rain here?¡¯, I ask Rhian. ¡®Only at night.¡¯ It¡¯s almost like this planet is specifically built for humans to find. As if it is telling you: ¡°I was here all along, waiting for you. Why did you take so long to find me?¡± It does make earth look miserable in comparison. ¡®Is there anything you don¡¯t like about this planet?¡¯, I ask further. ¡®Since there are new things to explore every day, life never gets boring. People are happy, bullying or hateful speech rarely takes place, the weather is good.¡¯ ¡®So you¡¯re saying there¡¯s nothing you don¡¯t like.¡¯ She turns to face me. ¡®This place seems perfect, but perfect isn¡¯t always what you want. Sometimes it seems to miss something. A deeper layer, a purpose, an understanding that only comes with a lifetime of experience, both good and bad, in both planet and people. The people born on this planet live to enjoy, a lifetime of bliss, nothing more nothing less. Sometimes I wish I could find a planet, where things aren¡¯t as perfect and people aren¡¯t raised with the expectation that things would be perfect. Where people understood my sometimes ill-funded anxiety and how much I loathe my sometimes self-indulgent acts. ¡¯ Again, I am surprised by the complexity of those who moved to this planet. And it strikes me how much I am not alone in wandering through space, looking to not be lost for a while. When we enter the cave system, it seems like we leave Hiraeth behind for a second to enter another world. When you are outside, Hiraeth seems like a young child, smooth and light. But in here, the jaggedness and coarseness of the stone, the darkness and stale air make it seem ancient. The only sounds I hear are the echoes of our footsteps and water dripping from a rock into a puddle below. Rhian takes out a small orb from her bag with a blueish glow. Enaid. It sure is fascinating to look at, resembling what I would imagine a phantom or spirit to look like. Its light reflects on a small river that flows besides the stony path. Maybe if we cross that river we will end up traversing to the great beyond. The journey through the caves we make in silence, not uncomfortable, just emerged in our own thoughts. The path is not always easily passable and it is clear it is not treaded often. Some passages are blocked and at times I fear that we might be trapped under a stone avalanche, never to be found again. But then, as I struggle to get over the rubble, Rhian holds me back and points up at a high stone formation. Somehow, sticking out of the top of that formation, I see a bright lime green flower. Delicately curved turquoise tips as if they were dipped in sea-colored paint. Golden pistils that spring from the heart of the alien belle. And it''s fresh, a new bloomer that survived in this barren landscape. I stumble as I make my way up to the flower, but I catch myself in time. At first, I stretch out my hand to pluck it. Then I reconsider and instead dig it up out of the ground. Rhian sees what I am doing and rummages around in her bag for a bit. She pulls out a little plastic cup. I plant the calennig in its temporary home. ¡®You¡¯re coming with me.¡¯ I am happy to have Rhian with me as her sense of direction is flawless and we make it out of the caves in no time. Outside, it has already become dark and rain is pouring down. It is a nice change. Soaked to the bone, we make it back to Cynefin. After getting dried by the fireplace, I go to bed and fall into a deep slumber, sung goodnight by the crackling of the burning wood. My mind stays as silent as the night. Day 101 There you are again. Still looking a little scared, still looking a little guilty. And here I am again, in your office. When I see your face, I get a little nauseous again. Maybe I should have waited a day before knocking on your door. But I needed to see you and tell you: ¡®Whatever has been said in this office, will stay in this office.¡¯ You frown just a little. ¡®Are you sure?¡¯ I can hear relief in your voice. ¡®Yes.¡¯, I answer. Not knowing what else to say, I remain quiet. In the end, I decide to just exit your office. This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere. Before I can leave, you ask: ¡®I get if you don¡¯t believe me when I say this, but I truly am sorry for what happened to Earth. And I am sorry leaving like that.¡¯ I believe you, in a sense. You continue: ¡®I wish I could travel back and do it all over again, but I can¡¯t. The least I can do for you, is be there now. So don¡¯t hesitate to ask if you need anything.¡¯ I nod. I do not need anything from you. This was never about you, not really. It was merely the idea of you, shards of a blackened memory that still remained. The shrapnel of a bomb that was deteriorated long ago. One foot out of the door, I hear you ask: ¡®Can we maybe talk some more about what happened?¡¯ ¡®Sure.¡¯, I say. ¡®But at another time.¡¯ And finally, I leave your office. Day 160 ¡®I¡¯m leaving tomorrow.¡¯ As I expected, you utter a whole lot of objections to my statement. Though they are nice to hear, they also sound a bit shallow. You do not want me to stay, not really. I get it, you build this place, Hiraeth, a place you wish that had been, a place for you, a fresh start. I do not belong here anyway. I have to keep up my search to find my own home. What¡¯s another few years to me? I have all the time in the world. The day I leave, you give me the biggest hug. I almost push you away, but I don¡¯t. If I did not know any better, I would have thought this would be the last time we saw each other. But fate is a funny thing and the world we live in is always smaller than we think. Who knows when we will meet again. As I wave you goodbye, I feel a sadness, but also a relief wash over me. Stolen content warning: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences. I¡¯ve spent most of my endless life protecting earth. Days and days filled fearing whether we would live to see another day, so many hours spent doubting whether I wished to see any more days. When it finally disappeared in a giant cloud of smoke it created an emptiness in me. And that emptiness remained with me as we wandered through the great emptiness that is space. But at the dawn of that morning, as Hiraeth shrinks in the distance, becomes so small again that I could hold it in the palm of my hand, that emptiness becomes a little less empty.