ã€ŠEVERYTHING WE WERE - BOOK IVã€‹


 LASTMAN

    ¡°My soul grows weaker.

    He knows and he waits.

    He watches over me.

    Standing at the infernal gates.¡±

    ~

    ¡°In The Presence of Enemies ~Part II¡± Dream Theater

    Not only did I expect a response from Anya the following morning, I also expected her to ¡°meet me¡± there, to see if she was as proud of our love as I was. If she couldn¡¯t do that much, she couldn¡¯t have believed in it as much as I did, or at all. Early the next morning, I received my answer.

    ANYA: ¡°Good morning babe. How r u? U know what I could use tom? I could use a long hug! How about you? I love you.¡±

    Instead of a prideful fastball, she surprised me with a knuckle curve when she told me, in her own special way, she wanted to see me the following day, something I could do nothing but appreciate.

    ME: ¡°Good morning! I¡¯m good! You might need to call for the jaws of life to escape my hug tomorrow! Can¡¯t wait to see you babe. I love you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Haha! Maybe we should set the alarm and just close our eyes. Just want to hold u and melt away.¡±

    Anya¡¯s sweet and unexpected texts left me to feel like a bona fide jackass as it left me to question my own sanity. Anya showed me she wanted the real thing over phone sex just as badly as I did, just her sweet way of staying connected to me until her kids could no longer dictate her movement. Her show of love also left me to consider a possible need for psychological counseling. How could I question her love for me in any way? A woman who didn¡¯t love me would never make plans to fall asleep in my arms and melt away. To imagine her in someone else¡¯s arms just drove me crazy enough to fill me with a fear that rivaled an act of death-defying proportions. I knew one thing was certain, I was a mental mess at a time I needed a strong mind in every facet of my life. I could take not being loved, but I could never accept being used. If I couldn¡¯t distinguish between the two, and it affected her life when I could be wrong, maybe I had to consider a psychologist to determine my thought process? How could I be so off about her love and intentions?

    As I spent another day in Hesperia, Clyde called to tell me what I had already learned; the symposium hosted by Jackson Caiaphas would be next week. He then stressed the importance of networking with everyone at the event, especially Jackson, as I agreed to do so even as trepidation consumed me.

    ¡°Did you know he¡¯s an acting commissioner for the California State Assembly?¡± Clyde asked.

    ¡°I didn¡¯t know that.¡± I said.

    ¡°Oddly enough I didn¡¯t either until this morning.¡± he said. ¡°So, there will be quite a contingent there.¡±

    ¡°What does he do in that capacity?¡± I asked.

    ¡°He has the ability to hear cases and new legislation.¡± he said. ¡°He seems to have built significant relationships with city attorneys, city prosecutors, and even judges. There will be other officials from government there, possibly even senators. Most of them are business owners as well. Good people for us to acquaint ourselves with.¡±

    ¡°I see.¡± I said. ¡°But how did he get to know these people well enough to become a commissioner for the state assembly?¡±

    ¡°I imagine he rented spaces to them.¡± Clyde informed me. ¡°Some may have been tenants in one of his many office buildings.¡±

    ¡°Sorry, I¡¯m a little green in the real estate audit arena.¡± I covered. ¡°I¡¯m sure his rent roll reports would reveal that info if we audited him, I imagine.¡±

    ¡°Did we ever give you any real estate clients, Landyn?¡± he asked.

    ¡°Nope, just mostly mortgage banking clients.¡± I said.

    ¡°How are they looking this year?¡±

    ¡°Last year wasn¡¯t very kind to them.¡± I said. ¡°A lot of loan receivable write-offs.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m afraid this recession could be nasty.¡± Clyde forewarned. ¡°Really nasty.¡±

    ¡°It doesn¡¯t seem the mortgage bankers are prepared for it. Even with a record breaking market and PE ratios through the roof.¡± I said. ¡°They just kept loaning money. Loaning to anyone thinking the market had no reason to crash.¡±

    ¡°Be a shame if we lost clients due to bankruptcy.¡± he said. ¡°Please be sure to propose a going concern notes disclosure in the financials if you see a significant amount of loan receivable write-offs. We need to protect ourselves here.¡±

    ¡°I agree. I¡¯ll be sure to do that.¡± I said.

    ¡°Oh, did you get things straightened out with Jerry?¡±

    ¡°I did. In fact, I drafted financials for his two clients, but I¡¯m still waiting for him to review it.¡±

    ¡°Thanks for letting me know.¡± he said. ¡°I¡¯ll go curse him out right now about it.¡±

    Clyde then winked at me as a smile broke upon my face. I loved working for Clyde. In every situation, he always backed me and I appreciated him for his support. It¡¯s why I felt so strongly that if he were to learn of Jackson¡¯s improprieties and my relationship with his wife, that he would consider my side of things enough to understand. I believed any decent human being, who knew of Jackson¡¯s transgressions, that he would have very little power left to control and influence them, and it¡¯s why I believed he could never destroy my career. The ¡°truth¡± was the power I had over Jackson, and I couldn¡¯t fathom he wanted any piece of it. I wasn¡¯t out to smear Jackson, or threaten to ruin his career and all his hard work as it would affect both Katie and Andrew if I ever did. I only planned to use the truth to defend myself, if I ever needed to do so. All I wanted to do was make things right for his wife, the love of my life. As much as I disliked Jackson as her husband, and even as a human being, I wasn¡¯t out to destroy the man¡¯s career or to take what he¡¯s built. More than anything, I especially didn¡¯t want to make him look like a bad father. I actually hoped to get along with him and work with him so the kids would be less affected. I never asked to be in his life in the capacity I was. In fact, I never even sought it out. The universe carved me out of nothing into his existence, the night Anya approached me. As much as I felt he deserved to be ¡°outted¡±, for all the things he put Anya through while she carried his child and the lack of remorse he had after Andrew¡¯s premature birth that he caused, I¡¯d never say a single bad thing about him to Katie and Andrew, even if they prodded me to. I only wanted to supplement him, not supplant him as their father. I¡¯m sure they looked up to their Dad as their hero and loved him; I didn¡¯t want to change that. Yes, there were some things he fell short as a father, but all parents fell short somewhere and there were things he did better than most parents. You take the good with the bad, and no one is perfect, but he failed at his most important duty; to be a good husband. He emotionally abused and grossly disrespected a woman I would have died for without a moment¡¯s hesitation. Despite the vows he made on his wedding day, he failed to honor her and instead shamed her. If I had to defend myself, to him, or even God one day, I felt the evidence was overwhelmingly on my side. I knew from day one there could be consequences for my decision to love Anya, but I was ready to face them all from Day one. I¡¯ve read stories in the newspapers about how these could end, and even if I had to stare down the barrel of a gun, I prepared myself for the consequence for the inability of others who were unable to see the sun behind the dawn. I only hoped to do it in a diplomatic and dignified way, but at this point, I had to be ready for anything.

    At about five that evening, as I sat in traffic on my way home from Hesperia, Anya texted me a breaking news event.

    ANYA: ¡°Did you know Sonoma¡¯s is no longer? Was sold.¡±

    ME: ¡°No way! Wow! How did that happen? Do you have any details?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Was sold to the group that owns ¡°Piranhaz¡±.¡±

    ME: ¡°Sounds like they are going for a younger clientele, the college crowd.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°That¡¯s what it sounds like to me.¡±

    ME: ¡°Oh well, I don¡¯t think Mitch will miss a beat then. What r u up to?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ha! Special Ed will probably feel more at home now. Home with Andrew. Making him bland dinner cuz he doesn¡¯t feel good. Going to pick up Katie soon. Spent the week with sick kids. Basically I¡¯m swamped with work stuff! What r u doing?¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m just on my way home from work. I don¡¯t want you to stress you out any more than you already have. Please don¡¯t feel any pressure if you can¡¯t work it out to see me tomorrow. I¡¯d be disappointed only b/c I want to see you, but I¡¯d totally understand.¡±

    I expected her to jump all over this offer; to take the time to catch up on her work instead. As much as I needed to see her, it wasn¡¯t fair if the kids were sick all week and she fell behind on work. I wanted her to know, this wasn¡¯t all about me, but we.

    ANYA: ¡°No I want to see u! Like I said I could use a big long hug!¡±

    ME: ¡°Ok! My offer is now off the table! Can¡¯t wait to melt away with you babe! I really miss you!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I miss u too! Can¡¯t wait to cuddle with you!¡±

    ME: ¡°I can¡¯t wait to have you in my arms tomorrow. I love you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Me too! I love you!¡±

    Although I never heard back from her on this day, the day we first met twenty-two months ago, her pending visit brought me so much positive energy, it didn¡¯t bother me at all. It made me realize as long as I knew I¡¯d see her again, within a short reasonable amount of time, I felt secure that the form of her love was well intentioned. I understood, our love had to be on her terms for the time being, I just trusted it would change. I didn¡¯t realize the more time I gave, the more I¡¯d risk to lose. I thought she would reward me for my patience and understanding, but it seemed every visit, no matter how great it was, she¡¯d leave and left me to wonder if and when I¡¯d see her again. I poured my entire being into our relationship, while the man she married only poured his bodily fluids into his marriage with her. How could I be left to be unrewarded?

    The night before her visit, I decided to go to the mall. I then made an unplanned visit to the See¡¯s candies store to pick her up a box of chocolates, specifically her favorite, nuts and chews. As I walked around the mall, I next found myself in a store called Brookstone, a store that sold tech gadgets and other odds and ends. My mother loved this kind of store, where they sold things you wouldn¡¯t even think you needed, until you saw the item on the shelf and went ¡°you know, I could really use a foot-long wooden back scratcher.¡± I had Anya in mind though as I feared her visits might get stale. Anya always seemed to appreciate my simple gestures. When she told me, she was a ¡°simple person¡±, I believed it. To me though, simple was never good enough for her. When we were together, she made me the happiest person alive, and candles and music were nice but she deserved more. I felt those things were nice, but really short changed her value. I feared her visits may get stale, that the music and candles were nice. They showed an appreciation for her, but also provide no element of surprise. I wanted to make sure she knew her visits meant the world to me. Unlike her husband who only wanted a release of his bodily fluids, I needed her presence. I wanted to let her know I appreciated her, and the time she gave me. If she believed her visits were stale, she might believe my love for her was as well. I thought I would pick her up a couple of things, just to let her know her visits were important and she was always on my mind wherever I went. Whenever the courting stopped, a relationship usually followed suit.

    When the next day came, I placed the ¡°presents¡± I picked up from the mall on her side of the bed.

    ANYA: ¡°Here.¡±

    Unknown to her, this was her forty-first visit to my gate, and the eighty-first time we¡¯ve been in the physical presence of one another. Each night my apartment felt like a dreary cold cell, but whenever Anya graced its floors, it felt like the most majestic castle. Upon entry, I picked her up in my arms, and with my eyes in hers, led her to my room. I gently laid her down and when I did, she saw the gifts on her side of the bed and her smile lit up my candle lit room.  ¡®Very thoughtful of you, babe.¡± she said as her lips met mine.

    ¡°I thought you could use the massager if your ankle hurts after you run.¡± I said as I took off my shirt then jumped in bed next to her. ¡°I even picked one up for myself, and was even kind enough to give you the pink one.¡±

    She laughed then threw herself into my arms. I inhaled in her sweet perfume off her bare body; a scent so good I could¡¯ve breathed it in forever. She thanked me several times and told me how sweet the gifts were as I could tell the event was a rare one for her. We then laid half naked in my bed in each other arms, as our lips and hands tried to reclaim our lost time. As much as I wanted to go there, to experience the deepest acts of intimacy, I feared my emotions might lead to pressure her, so I held back, and used my hand to stimulate her. I pleasured her for about ten minutes and after she climaxed, she looked into my eyes in a way I never seen before; as if I touched a part of her no one ever had. After an hour of an uninterrupted affection, that alleviated our stress and need for each other, I held her in my arms while she gazed into my eyes and waited for me to speak.

    ¡°Feeling good, babe?¡± I asked.

    ¡°I love it when your strong hand touches me.¡± she said. ¡°I get so turned on.¡±

    ¡°Feeling you with my hand makes me want to feel you with another part of me.¡±

    ¡°Oh. My. God! You¡¯re turning me on again!¡±

    ¡°The whole time I was touching you, I was imagining how you would feel along my tongue and against my lips.¡±

    ¡°Anytime you¡¯re ready!¡±

    ¡°Well¡­I¡¯d love to, but I was going pretty good with the hand!¡±

    ¡°Mmmmm. You were!¡±

    ¡°Touching you is a huge turn on for me.¡± I said. ¡°Especially when I know you¡¯re enjoying it.¡±

    ¡°I loved it!¡±

    ¡°It was really hot how you showed me you loved it.¡± I said.

    ¡°Natural response.¡±

    Loving Anya was as natural to me as her response. I found her spot naturally because I felt naturally connected to her; designed for each other by the universe. I wanted to give her so much more than a mere touch to a preferred spot of pleasure. The way she looked at me, almost seemed to say she couldn¡¯t believe it felt so good, and it behooved me to know, I could¡¯ve made her feel even better as my remarkable restraint drove me to the edge of sanity when I saw how much she loved what I did. I felt women generally disregarded me as a poor lover, but I held enough confidence to believe after one night with me, I could change their mind. Even Denise used to comment I had strong hands as well and that they went ¡°through her¡±, and loved the time we spent in the bedroom together It¡¯s all I ever was to her though, a good time in the sack, as it all meant nothing when she chose someone else. It took me six years to regain my confidence in the bedroom, to have the strength to love someone the only way I knew how to love someone, with my heart and mind. I knew even if I was the world¡¯s greatest lover, if I lost Anya, I could never touch or love someone the same again, and lose all that ever made me a great lover. I would have lost not only Anya, but the woman I knew was my soulmate, and I¡¯d simply lose my ability to love someone like that again. Another reason I restrained myself from loving her as much as I wanted to in the bedroom. Also, there still remained one last thing for Anya to know about me before I could fully reclaim my ability to love in the bedroom; her awareness of the extra bone on my leg, the same protrusion that scared Denise away. At this very moment, I contemplated a decision to tell Anya, to let her know one of the reasons why my restraint in the bedroom existed, but I feared a loss of the momentum I made in my recovery of this missing part of me.

    ¡°I¡¯m thinking about taking a leave of absence after busy season.¡± I told her.

    ¡°Would they let you, babe?¡±

    ¡°I think they will. I really need to reset and find a better balance in my life. I¡¯m going to let them know about my mother¡¯s illness and that I want to spend some time with her.¡±

    ¡°Have you asked her yet? About something she may be keeping from you?¡±

    ¡°No, but I plan to.¡± I said. ¡°As much as it might affect me, and I respect how my grandmother handled it, I prefer to know. I have a mental job and need to be prepared for something like that.¡±

    ¡°When do you plan to ask her?¡±

    ¡°Next time I visit. I¡¯m going to stay with her on Saturday night and spend Easter morning with her and my Dad.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re a good son.¡±

    ¡°I try.¡± I said.

    Just as I spoke her Pink Blackberry phone sprang to life. She then leaned over, grabbed it, laid with it face up on my bed, smiled and showed it to me.

    ¡°Who is it?¡± I asked. ¡°Is it him?¡±

    ¡°No. It¡¯s my mom.¡± she said. ¡°Do you want to answer it?¡±

    ¡°What an honor it would be.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m not going to answer it.¡± she said.

    ¡°Does she usually call you at this time?¡±

    ¡°Never.¡±

    ¡°Do you think she may suspect anything?¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t know.¡± she said. ¡°I don¡¯t think so.¡±

    ¡°Kind of crazy how we were just talking about my mom¡­¡± I said. ¡°and your mom calls. Do you think they are on to us?¡±

    ¡°I wish!¡± she laughed.

    ¡°Your husband would never go to your parents with this, would he?¡± I asked. ¡°He suggested they would be horrified if they knew. It sounded to me like a threat from him because how else would they find out but through him?¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t think he would.¡± she said.

    I wanted her to follow with ¡°if he did, I would leave him.¡±, but my heart never received the wish it made.

    ¡°It¡¯s hard for me to not feel tremendous guilt about things.¡± she said.

    ¡°Tremendous guilt?¡±

    ¡°Yes. I¡¯m a walking, breathing, living guilt.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re not putting a gun to my head, babe.¡± I said.

    ¡°I know¡­but I worry about your emotions.¡± she said. ¡°When you hurt, I hurt.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯ll have no choice but to walk if I ever hurt you again.¡± I said. ¡°As much as it would destroy me, I¡¯ll have no choice. If I can¡¯t keep my emotions in check, then I need to admit they are too big for me. I don¡¯t want you to ever feel guilty about your true feelings. I¡¯ve put too much trust in them for you to feel guilty about them. The only reason you should feel ever feel guilty, when it comes to your love for me, is if you¡¯re being dishonest about it.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m not lying to you.¡±

    ¡°Then I don¡¯t think you should feel guilty. If I let my emotions get the best of me again and it puts pressure on you, then I¡¯ll have to walk away.¡± I said as I looked into her soft dark eyes and played with her hair. ¡°Can I ask you a question?¡±

    ¡°Yes, babe.¡±

    ¡°Has love ever been important to you?¡± I said. ¡°Important enough in your life to have? Do you think love is important for men to have? Or is money more important?¡±

    ¡°I think men place more value on money than love, and having friends is more important to women.¡± she said. ¡°What do you think?¡±

    I felt disheartened by her answer, as it seemed to prove her popularity meant more to her than love did, and the loss of ¡°seventy five percent¡± of her friends if she left Jackson. That her choice to stay for the sake of the kids was predicated upon what others thought of her if she were to leave, as she planned to keep Jackson¡¯s impeccable reputation as her husband intact in their eyes. I began to feel sick to my stomach as I thought of the repercussions of the response to my question. That I could¡¯ve loved her to the greatest of any man¡¯s ability, and it never mattered.

    ¡°That¡¯s interesting. I generally always thought having financial freedom and being taken care was most important to women. I thought having friends were somewhat of a byproduct from having money. That if men defined themselves by how much money they made, it was because women defined men by such terms. I always believed women, for the most part, drove men to make as much money as possible.¡±

    She nodded but not in agreement, as my life experiences up to this point, disallowed me to see it any other way as I tried to further understand the truth behind why she still didn¡¯t know. Was it because Jackson¡¯s money allowed her to have a number of friends she wouldn¡¯t normally have or associate with? I didn¡¯t seem like Anya had any life-long friends, like I did. It appeared she seemed to lose most of those friends when she married Jackson. Didn¡¯t she care about the friends she lost at all when she broke off her engagement, or were those friends always expendable? Or did she realize, when it came to Jackson and his money, she could easily shun those who truly cared about her? As long as she had money and the friends Jackson¡¯s wealth and status afforded her, that she could just shit on everyone else? That the hearts, minds and emotions of others didn¡¯t matter? Each time I tried to see her side of things. Each time I tried to see her pain above my own, her answers left me with questions and doubts. I just wasn¡¯t sold on her kids being vulnerable and too young as the reason she stayed. They were even more vulnerable and younger when we first met almost two years ago. At times I felt her love led me to a den of darkness where lions awaited me, and at times I felt she loved me too much to ever do such a thing, but one thing I knew for certain, it was either the den or her heart she led me to, and there could be no destination in between. There had to be something else, the real reason behind her ¡°I don¡¯t know¡± even beyond her own hopes, wishes and dreams. By the look in Anya¡¯s eyes when I told her my feelings on this issue, told me I was a little closer to the truth.

    ¡°Thank you for the gifts. Babe.¡± she said. ¡°You didn¡¯t have to.¡±

    ¡°I felt so bad for you this week, babe, and I felt helpless.¡± I said. ¡°You¡¯re getting pulled in so many directions right now. You¡¯re getting slammed by me, your father, you¡¯re dealing with that woman at the games. I love you and it¡¯s my job to care about your happiness when no one seems to.¡±

    She then rolled into my arms as her lips found mine. We kissed and whispered to each other, our mouth inches apart as we spoke. Ten minutes later, when our time expired, and after I brought her back to me a few times with my left arm, I finally let her escape so she wouldn¡¯t be late to pick up her kids at school. When she returned home after pickup and I returned to the darkness of Hesperia, after a long drive, in a fog of emotions, Anya texted me.

    ANYA: ¡°Thank u sooo much for everything! You¡¯re the best!¡±

    ME: ¡°Thank u for visiting! I had a great time! Miss you!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I had a great time too! Cloud 9! Miss u too!¡±

    ME: ¡°Time flies by way too fast whenever I¡¯m with you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I know! Crazy!¡±

    ¡°Cloud 9¡± was a perfect description for our time together as I still saw her beautiful soft dark eyes in mine, but I wanted to see her face every day and it hurt me to know I wouldn¡¯t know when I¡¯d get to see her again. Within my point of missing, I considered how a person who worked at a gas station got to see Anya, and could even talk to her out in public, when her best friend, the man she loved, couldn¡¯t. All of her ¡°friends¡± could do the same, while her ¡°best friend¡± remained a horrible secret. All that love I gave her, everything I poured of myself because I trusted her, yet I remained her ¡°secret¡±, as if my love was her was horrific, and Jackson¡¯s so pure. Sure, these people didn¡¯t share the same things with her I did, but they had freedoms I wasn¡¯t allowed, and I was the man she loved. I didn¡¯t want Anya to feel any more guilt, or any pressure from me, but if she truly loved me, why did she care about losing seventy five percent of her friends when she had more to gain with me? Were they even friends to begin with if they couldn¡¯t respect her reasons or appreciate the love, she found in me? Unexpectedly, I felt even more empty than when Anya left my side in San Diego. I tried to focus on the good feelings after her visit thought, and was able to combat the negative energy my mind tried to feed off from.

    When I got home, I texted to see what she was up to.

    ANYA: ¡°Just hanging out with Andrew. Did you talk to your mom tonight, babe?¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m going to give her a call before I go to bed.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Tell her I said hello. Giggles!¡±

    ME: ¡°Oh I will! I¡¯m sure she would get a kick out of that. She will tell me to say hello to you too.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Really? Thank u again for the thoughtful gifts. U know I broke into the chocolate box!¡±

    ME: ¡°Haha! I¡¯m glad! Now you¡¯re making me hungry! You¡¯re welcome.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Thank u! Muah!¡±

    When I closed my eyes to say goodbye to the day, her texts helped me to focus on the good feelings her visit brought me; a great day together we both needed to keep our hopes alive. The next day, a Saturday, I didn¡¯t hear much from Anya as I tried to stave off the flow of any negative energy in her silence. When I did hear from her, after I texted her from work to see how she was doing, I started to feel better.

    ANYA: ¡°Just finishing up last min touches on Katie¡¯s room b4 I pick her up from her friend¡¯s. She¡¯s going to be sooo excited!¡±

    ME: ¡°What else is there left to do?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Curtains, lamps, knobs, pictures, etc. Have an hour! Ahhhh!¡±

    ME: ¡°She¡¯s going to love it! I¡¯ll let you get back at it!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Thx! Creative juices flowing!¡±

    Anything Anya did for her kids never bothered me as I wished I could¡¯ve helped her get it all done, or at least the parts of her project she could¡¯ve used a man¡¯s help with. I admired Anya in a lot of ways, and her love for her kids was one of the reasons I loved her as much as I did. As much agony it caused me when I felt she pit them against me, against us, and against her happiness, I appreciated her for it. She carried them in her womb for nine months and no man could possibly understand the bond she shared with them, especially me. For her to go through what she did, at a time she really needed Jackson, would always strike an emotional chord within me as I empathized with her pain greatly. My struggle is that I didn¡¯t expect this to be an issue if she loved me. I didn¡¯t expect her kids to be the reason she stayed after what she told me in the beginning. It almost felt as if my love was hijacked, but for her to allow and encourage me to love her so deeply only spoke volumes about her pain, and her need for love. If she went through less than honest lengths to have love, to a point she admitted she couldn¡¯t help it, then that only fueled my fire and belief in all I fought for her to have. How could she not realize for her to stay with Jackson at this point represented a complete denial of her own self? Some choices mothers made to stay for the sake of their kids were valid sacrifices to make, however I felt such sacrifices should never come at the cost of their character or well being. I could never understand a mother¡¯s sacrifice under those terms, especially after we¡¯ve shared so much of ourselves with each other.

    When I returned home from the office, I needed to find another outlet for those times I missed Anya, so I decided to tune my acoustic-electric guitar, a hobby I picked up after Denise left me. As I tried to remember a tune I used to know how to play, Metallica¡¯s ¡°Fade to Black¡±, Anya sent me a text.

    ANYA: ¡°What are you doing?¡±

    ME: ¡°I tuned my guitar and I¡¯m messing around with it. Glad you¡¯re not here to witness this! Still thinking about how great yesterday was. What r u doing? I miss you.¡±

    I laid my phone down and thought I would hear from her immediately, but I played my guitar for about another hour before I did.

    ANYA: ¡°Sorry went for a run. That¡¯s great! Andrew loves the guitar! I know yesterday was just what the Doctor ordered! I miss you too babe.¡±

    I don¡¯t know why, I guess my sadness worked on my mind that way, but I put my guitar away when I heard back from Anya as I anticipated it would be the last time, I heard from her for the rest of the evening. When I heard she ran in the afternoon, another oddity, I feared she had plans with Jackson on this night, and it got my wheels to spin in the mud yet again. Although, my journal was the only other outlet that helped me with the longing, even that began to provide no comfort as I couldn¡¯t help the emptiness. When she asked me what I was doing, it got my hopes up I might get to see her, but I was wrong. It found it strange she went for a run the second after she had just sent me a text. As I went to a dark place, I decided to go to pick up my mail from the office. When I retrieved it, in the stack was a pink envelope. When I saw the pink envelope, my heart rate increased as I jogged back to my apartment, and even up my stairs so I could open it quicker in private. A card emerged from the envelope that read on the front.

    ¡°On the highway of life, there are many challenges¡­¡±

    When I opened the card, it read.

    ¡°And through all of them, just remember I¡¯m in your lane.¡±

    At the bottom of the card she wrote

    ¡°Love, Anya

    Xxxoxoxoxoxoxooxox¡±

    All I could do, at that point, was bury my head in my hands and cry, never more moved by a card. To receive such a thing from someone I loved so much, at a time I struggled without her, I thought could only happen in the movies. I then composed myself, wiped the tears from my eyes and texted Anya to thank her for a show of love, at a time I desperately needed it.

    ANYA: ¡°I love you very much babe.¡±

    When she put her name on the card, it meant so much. She even put a return address on the envelope, and took a chance it could be returned to its sender. It was a show of love and trust I had to remember each time I struggled. Each time I worried about her form of love. Each time I thought of the missing piece around why she didn¡¯t know. I had to think of how her presence surrounded me in this most unexpected form, the sweetest one yet. On a night I knew I¡¯d hurt; she knew she had to reach me. I felt so much; I didn¡¯t know how to process the pain other as it made more logical sense if she didn¡¯t truly love me. If I knew that, I might have a chance to survive if I lost her, but the reality remained dark, I would miss her love too much, even air would never be enough to sustain my existence.

    With the news of Sonoma¡¯s closing, I feared I¡¯d never see ¡°our office¡± again. Since I knew Anya wouldn¡¯t be able to join me before it closed, I decided to visit and get the inside scoop from the people who worked there. If they had plans to tear it down, I wanted to remember our night together when she asked me ¡°Would you fight for me¡±, and the night she revealed I had swept her off her feet, what was required of me when we first met to receive a promise to leave. Unfortunately, this also meant I probably had to tolerate Mitch¡¯s presence, but I also wanted to see what would become of his life if Sonoma¡¯s ceased to exist.

    When I reached the establishment at about nine-thirty that evening, I was greeted at the door by Howard, a large hefty bouncer there for at least the last ten years, as he informed me of the change in ownership before I could even ask.

    ¡°You heard the news, right?¡± as he presented his fist at me to bump.

    ¡°So, I guess it¡¯s true then.¡± I said as my fist met his own. ¡°Do you know if they are closing the place down?¡±

    ¡°Not sure, man. Not sure.¡± he said with his deep husky voice.

    ¡°Do you know why they decided to sell? It¡¯s still a popular place.¡±

    ¡°They want a younger more ¡°hip¡± crowd.¡± he said. ¡°They¡¯re tired of all the manthers and the cougars prowlin¡¯ around the joint.¡±

    ¡°A more ¡°hip¡± crowd?¡± I asked jokingly. ¡°What am I chopped liver?¡±

    ¡°Shit, dude. Whatchu talkin¡¯ bout? You don¡¯t even come here anymore.¡± he said. ¡°The last time I saw you, you were walkin¡¯ outta here with some hot Asian chick.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯ve been here a few more times since then.¡± I said.

    ¡°Well, it¡¯s different here now anyways. You ain¡¯t missin¡¯ shit, man¡± he said. ¡°And you kept that one dude in line.¡±

    ¡°Who? Mitch?¡±

    ¡°Yeah, Bitch. I mean¡­Mitch. Whatever his name is.¡± he confirmed. ¡°Dude¡¯s a fuckin¡¯ train wreck, man. I¡¯ve had to kick him out of here at least ten times over the last six months. He¡¯s always giving the ladies a hard time.¡±

    ¡°Why do you keep letting him back in?¡± I asked.

    ¡°I don¡¯t know¡­it¡¯s kind of fun watchin¡¯ him get shut down.¡± he said. ¡°As long as he keeps his hands to himself. He¡¯s cool. He¡¯s done that¡­for the most part.¡±

    I nodded, but unsure I agreed with his reason, as it seemed everyone, even the staff, had very little respect for the women. At the time I started to frequent Sonomas I was down on women. They seemed to have zero respect for me, so I felt inclined to return the sentiment, but I just never had it in me to be the asshole they needed a man to be. Sonomas was a place men went to house their bitterness, but when I met Anya, it saved me from taking up residence here. When Anya said she liked to think we both saved each other, she was right.A case of content theft: this narrative is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.

    After my conversation with Howard, I walked directly to ¡°our office¡± and stood inside it, empty, for probably the last time. I brought myself before the part of the wall, the one Anya leaned upon when her soft dark eyes spoke to me in desperation and then asked me if I would fight for her. Those same eyes, with all the love that had to be in the world in them, gazed even deeper then told me ¡°You¡¯ve swept me off my feet¡±, the only thing I needed to do for her to gift me a promise. A scene transpired that seemed just like yesterday, but over a year ago. I then touched that part of the wall and brought my hand to my nose, with the outrageous of hopes, that maybe her scent rubbed off against it. I stood there longer as I hoped maybe we were connected enough, she knew where I stood, but my phone never moved nor blinked, and doorway as inanimate as ever. Now over a year later, I stood alone in front of the same wall, in front of a ghost, and unsure of the future as the employees of Sonomas felt about theirs. I felt like I worked for a company, who promised me payment when they made enough money to get off the ground, yet even after they made their first sale, never came through with payment. I felt Anya and I had, in essence, a verbal agreement she instead chose to breach, but I couldn¡¯t find complete fault in her, because love looked inside before it went outside. Even as I stood before an apparition, I felt like a soul damned to this part of the bar for all eternity, unwilling to ever trek outside. For the first time, I considered it wasn¡¯t my heart that was broken, but rather my mind; the only reason it felt like my heart was.

    After a half hour inside ¡°our office¡±, I broke away from the haunted area and decided to head home and to end the night. As I walked out into the bar area, I saw no trace of Carolyn and Debbie, or my Anya, but seconds later I was greeted by the bar¡¯s own living legend and fixture.

    ¡°What¡¯s up?¡± Mitch asked as he jerked his head upwards as he sat at the bar perched next to a woman that must have weighed more than the bar itself.

    ¡°Hey, nothing. I¡¯m just leaving.¡±

    ¡°Did you hear the news?¡± he said as he rose and approached me.

    ¡°Yeah, I heard. Howard told me.¡± I said. ¡°I guess that¡¯s going to turn your life a little upside down.¡±

    ¡°Not as much as yours already is.¡± he shot back.

    All I could do was nod in disagreement.

    ¡°I guess the real question is where you¡¯ll go when she leaves you behind and blames you for all the trouble in her life.¡± he said. ¡°Did you ask her for a promise yet?¡±

    ¡°No.¡± I lied.

    ¡°You should do it.¡± he said. ¡°I bet she plays dumb with ya¡­like ¡°What? Why would you ask me that? You know my situation. You¡¯re an asshole.¡±.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m not going to pressure her.¡± I said. ¡°and you can¡¯t make assumptions about my situation based on your experiences, because you don¡¯t know everything there is to know. So¡­ it¡¯s easy for you to make judgments.¡±

    ¡°What don¡¯t I know?¡¯

    ¡°She mailed me a card yesterday.¡± I said. ¡°A very sweet thoughtful card.¡±

    ¡°Yeah, but did she suck your dick?¡±

    ¡°No. And what would that prove anyway?¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s better than a fucking card.¡±

    ¡°I want to be with her so I¡¯ll take the card.¡± I said.

    ¡°Yeah, but you should just take the BJ. At least you¡¯ll get something out of it.¡± I said. ¡°Let me ask you a question.¡±

    I just looked at him because I knew he was going to ask it regardless.

    ¡°Does she love you? Does she miss you?¡± he asked. ¡°Cause I don¡¯t see her here tonight.¡±

    ¡°She has to be at home with her kids, Mitch. It¡¯s a Saturday night.¡±

    ¡°She could let the kids sleep over someone¡¯s house. My bet is she¡¯s out with her husband tonight, it¡¯s date night for them. She¡¯s partyin¡¯ it up like a rockstar, gettin¡¯ shitfaced, and fuckin¡¯ him while you¡¯re here at Sonomas with both hands in your pockets.¡± he said. ¡°That card was just another way to mislead and bullshit you. Another tool out of her shed to fool the tool.¡±

    ¡°She tells me she loves me and misses me all the time.¡± I said. ¡°Why would she have any reason to come out here anyway? She doesn¡¯t know I¡¯m here. To see your miserable ass?¡±

    ¡°Hasn¡¯t she been like¡­tellin¡¯ you those things for the last two years now?¡± he asked. ¡°I see a lot of tellin¡¯ but not a lot of showin¡¯.¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s not just about me.¡± I said. ¡°She has kids. She shows me when she needs to.¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s you and the kids, Landyn.¡± He said. ¡°You and the kids.¡±

    ¡°I know, but it¡¯s not that simple.¡± I said. ¡°She has concerns for them.¡±

    ¡°She has concerns for herself, Landyn. That¡¯s why she¡¯s still there. That¡¯s why she¡¯s not here.¡± he rambled on. ¡°If she loved you, if she missed you, nothing would stop her. I had this happen to me once. It¡¯s why I know. It¡¯s why I¡¯m vocal about it. I just never bought it for two years.¡±

    ¡°I think she has the right to be cautious about this.¡± I defended. ¡°It¡¯s not an easy thing a mother to make a decision based on her own happiness. I love that about her; that¡¯s she¡¯s not able to do that. She¡¯s visited my place over forty times. We¡¯ve hung out over eighty times. I favor our statistics, and it¡¯s nothing close to what you experienced with that bitch you hooked up with. I¡¯m sorry she left you so bitter, but she¡¯s not Anya. Not even close. You¡¯ll see.¡±

    ¡°Ninety-eight. Two.¡± He replied.

    ¡°Whatever. Later.¡± I said as I walked out in exasperation.

    As I sat inside my car, I didn¡¯t start it as I chose to stew over Mitch¡¯s assessment of Anya¡¯s love for me. I reasoned he just wanted someone to hang out with again. Someone to keep him in line and out of trouble. Someone to offer him a free ride instead of an expensive cab ride home. He knew girls gave him more of a chance with me around, as I legitimized him in some way, but I also didn¡¯t want them to associate me with him based on his crude behavior. He was a dude I met there and not a lifelong friend or even a friend I considered to be a good one. The sale of Sonoma¡¯s had to be a good thing as the place seemed to promote debauchery. If it wasn¡¯t Mitch, it was Carolyn and the cop, and those were only the instances of which I was aware of. I believed my relationship was the only one of decency to come out of the place, but if Anya still didn¡¯t know, then how did it differ from any of the others?

    I woke up the next morning disoriented, as if I had been drinking. After I answered the red light that blinked on my phone to read Anya¡¯s early ¡°good morning¡± text, I texted her back to inform her for the late response.

    ME: ¡°Good morning. Just woke up.¡±

    Since Anya never texted me back, I decided to go to the gym to sneak in a Sunday morning workout, a rarity these days for me. When I returned to my car after the workout, I saw Anya had texted me.

    ANYA: ¡°Just got out of KB. Whatcha doin?¡±

    ME: ¡°Hi babe! Just got out of the gym. How r u?¡±

    She usually texted me now five to ten minutes later on the average whereas in the past she¡¯d text me back immediately. She responded to my text in less than a minute though as I feared my short morning text may have worried her.

    ANYA: ¡°Good! It¡¯s beautiful out! Just hanging w/the kiddos.¡±

    ME: ¡°It is a beautiful day! Not as beautiful as you though, but not too shabby either!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ha! Thx babe! I love you!¡±

    ME: ¡°I love you too!¡±

    It warmed my heart to see Anya receptive to my comparison of her beauty text as it set the tone for me to have a day full of positive thoughts. As the day carried on, she kept me ¡°in the know¡±.

    ANYA: ¡°The kids raided the chocolate box!¡±

    ME: ¡°Haha! Good for them! Did I tell you you¡¯re the first girl I¡¯ve ever bought a box of chocolates for?

    ANYA: ¡°Seriously?¡±

    ME: ¡°It¡¯s true.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Well I thought it was very sweet and thoughtful of you. You¡¯re an angel, my love.¡±

    ME: ¡°Thanks babe. Just wanted you to know I¡¯m always listening and thinking of you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I love you forever.¡±

    To be referred to has as an ¡°angel¡± fueled me even more to find the emotional resolve within to make this work. It frustrated me too, only in the sense how she was unable to vouch for me. Why couldn¡¯t she be proud enough to defend me if she viewed me as an ¡°angel¡±. At least enough to make me a promise that one day she would leave him? At this point, I couldn¡¯t understand why the opportunity to stay with Jackson forever could ever exist, even after the kids left home, and it was just her and him. Even with her kids involved, she knew I came into this with only the best of intentions, and was still here because she and I both still believed in them. The lack of a promise though, even if she couldn¡¯t leave at this moment, is what threatened to wreak havoc on my mind and heart. On this Sunday, her love shone through for me, even at the end of the night. The night of the week she usually devoted to the fa?ade.

    ANYA: ¡°Goodnight babe. I love you.¡±

    Anya was the most loving woman I knew on this planet, and I found it tragic her kids never knew that about their own mother. Nearly two months ago, Anya sent me a letter to let me go, but it only proved one thing; she never could because she knew where love truly resided. To let me go was to also let go of being truly loved. How could she ask the man who knew this, to allow her to ever make such a choice? I had to find a way to look at the things I struggled with differently. Something I couldn¡¯t do it with mistrust, but with love. If I continued to be frustrated, even as warranted as it was at times, she would use it against me. I had to be both rational and articulate whenever I communicated with her, to be the voice of reason and not the voice of fear. Although we¡¯ve had some really good times together, by far the greatest times of my life, our best times together were still ahead of us. I needed to be a little more patient than I¡¯ve ever been. Regardless of what Mitch thought, I could tell she really missed me on a day she usually never seemed to. She responded quicker to my texts and even wished me a good morning and goodnight, things she rarely did anymore, especially on a Sunday with her kids there. She even thanked me more than once for the gifts and sent me the most thoughtful card I¡¯ve ever received. I began to be consumed by guilt as I recalled her cries during our last arguments; ¡°I have no one¡±, ¡°you¡¯re not listening¡±, and ¡°my heart is bleeding, happy?¡± I could never be happy if her heart bled simply because it only led mine to bleed even more. I came to learn, no matter how frustrated I got, the pain would only circle back around to me, an emotional boomerang. Anya needed my love and I couldn¡¯t let her down. I knew she was ¡°the one¡± without the time to consider it; her love hit me so hard--I just knew. I had to be more understanding about her kids. To find a way to not take this so personally and try to sell her on the benefits for them if she left. On how our love could only help them more than it ever could hurt them.

    With a lot on my mind, and with another long work week ahead of me, I decided I couldn¡¯t hold out any longer as I made a visit to see my mom. To learn the truth about the prognosis of her illness, so I could fall asleep and be ready for the new week ahead of me. When I returned home, my mother gave me assurances she would tell me if a doctor gave her months, or even a certain number of days to live. Before I fell asleep however, I sent Anya a few late texts to share with her the details of the conversation I had with my mother.

    ME: ¡°Hi babe. My mom finds out from the oncologist on the 16<sup>th</sup> if the chemo is working or not. She told me when she was diagnosed with bone cancer, the doctor gave her 3 years to live. It¡¯s now year 6. At the time, her oncologist told her she was the longest known living case of cancer patients who used the drug Femarra. When he told my mother, ¡°You were only given 3 years but the drug had given her 6¡±, she told him ¡°The drug gave me 3 years, but God gave her 3 more.¡±

    ME: ¡°I mentioned taking the leave of absence from work only because if the chemo wasn¡¯t working, I didn¡¯t think I¡¯d have much time left with her. I think there¡¯s a strong possibility that the lesions on her skull could enter into her brain, and at that point, she may be gone sooner even if she¡¯s still alive. I¡¯m afraid of it happening so quick, and since my job is 100% mental, I think it¡¯s a good idea for me and also the firm, if I took a leave if possible. My mom has always been there for me so now it¡¯s my time to be there for her.¡±

    ME: ¡°Your card really cheered me up babe. I¡¯ve added it to the Anya shrine in my room. It really touched me and was very sweet of you. Thank you so much again for it. It meant a lot. I love you forever.¡±

    The next morning, she responded.

    ANYA: ¡°Good morning. Thank you for sharing last night. It helps me understand better what¡¯s going on. I hope you can take a leave.¡±

    ME: ¡°Good morning. I hope so too. I can only imagine you must have a busy week ahead of you because the kids were out sick all last week.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°YES! Big time catch up! Have lots going on. I¡¯m so sorry about your mom babe. When she goes in on the 16<sup>th</sup>, r u going with her?¡±

    ME: ¡°Thanks Sweetheart. My mother told me she didn¡¯t want me to go. My dad is going though, so I might go regardless. I¡¯ll let you go babe so you can get cranking! Have a good day! I miss you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I miss you too.¡±

    As the day continued, and silence prevailed on my phone, I decided to text to let her know she was on my mind.

    ME: ¡°Still very touched by my card. You¡¯re just so beautiful babe, inside and out. I hope you know that. I love you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Still very touched by your thoughtful gifts! I love you forever.¡±

    When Anya upped the ante, as she added a ¡°forever¡± to her ¡°I love you¡±, it helped me to focus and finish out the rest of my work day on the highest of notes.

    Later that evening when I got home from work, I texted her to see if she had physical therapy the next day, and to gauge if she had time to see me this week.

    ANYA: ¡°Hi! Sorry got busy w/the kids and then been on the phone with a friend who was complaining about her husband. Just got off! Yes, PT tom. I miss u babe. How r u?¡±

    I responded to her text in kind, then both wished each other a goodnight. Mondays were hard for me to adjust to emotionally, even when I felt secure. Anya¡¯s phone conversation with a friend though, who complained about her husband, led me to wonder if Anya ever complained to her friends about Jackson. Since Carolyn and Debbie both adored me, she had to have told them something about him, just not the whole story. Or did she field complaints from her friends about their husbands without reciprocation? To lead them to believe she had the perfect marriage and family life? It just made me wonder about the show she put on for others, who weren¡¯t as close to her as me, Carolyn and Debbie were. I had to find a way to convince my mind, that some of the things she shared with others didn¡¯t mean she didn¡¯t love me or miss me less, but rather the opposite. If she did have complaints about Jackson though, did they have the potential to hurt me and that¡¯s why she chose to go through other friends? Or did she not want to give me the impression she would do the same to me if we got married? I would hope she knew I wasn¡¯t perfect, and could always feel safe to come to me directly with her complaints so I always had the opportunity to make it right for her. Men could be insensitive and stupid at times, and I was no different.

    The next day, the seventh day of April, and one day away from Jackson¡¯s symposium, I heard from Anya briefly to wish me a good morning, so I decided to check up with her on my lunch break to see how her physical therapy went.

    ANYA: ¡°Hi babe! Ok so yes, but got a call from the school nurse right after I dropped the kids off to pick up Andrew because he wasn¡¯t feeling good. He got in my car and threw up! So I cancelled PT and dropped the car off to have it detailed. He¡¯s asleep now.¡±

    ME: ¡°OMG! Poor Andrew. He must have been trying to fight that the entire time he was in class. I¡¯m so sorry to hear that babe. That will definitely knock your day out of whack.¡±

    It brought me back to the time when I was about ten years old. I told my mother and father, I wasn¡¯t feeling well, but my father thought I had made it up, and told me I had to go with them to Bob¡¯s for dinner. I sat in that booth with nausea for twenty minutes before I let loose in the restaurant. My parents were really embarrassed, but both of them felt bad because I warned them in advance. At ten years of age, I didn¡¯t understand how it made the people who dined near us felt, but I¡¯m sure I ruined a few meals that evening. When Anya told me the story, I wish I had been there to help her out, as that was all came back to mind.

    Later that evening when I returned home from work, I texted Anya to see how the rest of her day went and how Andrew was feeling.

    ANYA: ¡°He¡¯s better thx. Whew! Rough day! You¡¯re not going to believe this but I just dropped Suki¡¯s glass food bowl and the glass shattered all over the place!¡±

    Just like the glass bowl, my heart shattered in pieces for Anya as I read her text. She lived a hectic existence and with the little help she had, it only made me want to be with her that much more to help her during times like this; to let her know she had a team player on her side who wanted to take the stress off her plate. Even as tired as I was after work, I wished I could¡¯ve been there to sweep up the glass, to take care of Andrew, and to help Katie with her homework, so she could just read a book to get her mind off the day. I didn¡¯t believe these happenings were coincidence, but rather signs. Signs from the universe so she couldn¡¯t ignore the option of her heart. The woman at her son¡¯s games could not be pure coincidence anymore than Andrew¡¯s upset stomach or a broken glass bowl were. Someone, or something was trying to reach her, who knew and witnessed our struggle. The louder the Universe spoke, and the more stress Anya incurred, she could no longer ignore the increasing reasons to leave. If having me in her life and being in love with me wasn¡¯t enough evidence all the stars could muster, they would only provide her with more over time.

    ME: ¡°Today surely hasn¡¯t been your day! I¡¯m sorry it¡¯s been such a rough day for you. I wish I could help.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°No it hasn¡¯t been. Tom is another day! Thank you! I¡¯m going to meet the girls for a drink cuz I need one!¡±

    ME: ¡°Tom will be a better day for sure. Please be careful. I miss you. I love you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yup! I¡¯m only going to meet them for one. That¡¯s all I need. I miss you. I love you.¡±

    Instead of my arms, she turned to alcohol to solve her stress. It broke my heart to imagine her one day on a bed, like my mother, to imagine Katie or Andrew faced with the sight of the back of their mother¡¯s bald head as she laid on a pillow when they walked into her room. Anya had to be selfish in this situation; she put herself in harm¡¯s way everyday as Jackson was too busy, obsessed with his political agenda. A nanny couldn¡¯t be there all the time, and she needed his help. I learned Anya only developed a palate for fine wine because this mountain of stress drove her to seek solace in it. If she needed to reach for alcohol in times of distress, we were more connected than I even believed we were, as that same need in me existed whenever I reached for a Vicodin; just to feel fifteen minutes of euphoria to replace the sting of her absence. I felt we were on the cusp, the verge of being together one day, but if I got frustrated, it would only push her further away, as moments like this were one of the many reasons I believed in the goodness of our love. Her bad day left me unable to sleep, and as I wrote in my journal to help deal with my concern for her, she sent me a text two minutes past eleven.

    ANYA: ¡°Still up?¡±

    ME: ¡°I am babe. How are you doing?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Good! Had two Coronas w/the girls. Just what I needed! Whatcha doin?¡±

    ME: ¡°Just thinking of you babe. Writing in my journal. I couldn¡¯t go to sleep. I was worried.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Thank you. I¡¯m good baby. Time for me to say nite nite.¡±

    As she ended our exchange, I felt helpless, as I wished she opened up to me rather than have two Coronas with the girls. Although she informed me of her bad day, why did she suddenly confide in others? It left me to feel why choose a day of happiness if she just planned to sacrifice it anyway? A part of me died inside tonight as I failed to bottle up any of the positive thoughts I had earlier. After all I¡¯ve given, I finished second to a bottle of Corona. Part of me believed she made a decision to no longer confide in me, afraid I¡¯d pressure her to do the right thing, heaven forbid. She could love me any way she pleased, at any time she pleased, but if I did the same, it could only be perceived as ¡°pressure¡±, and not love. If Carolyn and Debbie were true friends, I couldn¡¯t understand how they could convince her to stay after all they knew. When I went to bed with this negative energy on my mind, a bad night¡¯s sleep was the last thing I needed. I had to get adequate rest especially with the symposium the following day. I then did the only thing I could, to take my negative energy and compose it into a text message to her.

    ME: ¡°I was going through old texts u sent me over the last 16 months. You have said so many sweet things to me. It goes to prove you can really touch me from anywhere. I¡¯ve never had someone love or care so much. The things u tell me, the things u do for me, and the way u treat me is the way love should feel. I always knew it was supposed to feel this way. It¡¯s definitely a first in my life. Sometimes I feel though I¡¯ve punished you b/c of the girls I met before you. They weren¡¯t very good to me and I kind of resort back to the way they treated me. How they made me feel like such a fool. Anyway, what I¡¯ve experienced with you is nothing close to what I¡¯ve experienced with them. I¡¯ve always believed in the love you¡¯ve shown me.¡±

    ME: ¡°You¡¯ve told me men judge themselves upon the wealth they can accumulate. I¡¯m not saying money isn¡¯t important to have b/c it¡¯s essential to survive, but I¡¯d rather be judged by how much someone loves me (you) and by happy I¡¯ve made them more than how much money I¡¯ve made. Having love and being in love is how I judge my worth in this world; always have, always will. Sorry for the rant! I wish I could¡¯ve been there for you today, babe. I would¡¯ve cleaned your car and took care of the broken glass for you. Then I would¡¯ve held you in my arms until u fell asleep and forgotten all about your bad day. Tomorrow (now today) will be a better one my love. It can¡¯t get any worse! It just has to be! JK! I love you babe. Goodnight again.¡±

    After I sent these texts off, I felt a lot better and was able to fall asleep. When I woke up the next morning, afraid to learn she didn¡¯t respond, I finally mustered up the courage to look at my phone after ten minutes of a pep talk to myself in the event she didn¡¯t respond. When I looked at my phone and saw my phone¡¯s red light on, I actually felt the relief run through my body.

    ANYA: ¡°Good morning! Thank you for the texts last night. That was very sweet of you. It just sucks we¡¯re not together.¡±

    ME: ¡°Good morning! It sure does. Busy day I bet for you. Is Andrew feeling better?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°He¡¯s better, babe! Yes, busy and you will be in my thoughts every step of the way! I love you!¡±

    ME: ¡°The day is already better! Andrew is well again! I¡¯m really happy to hear that! Have a good day babe! You¡¯ll be in my thoughts as well! Love you, too!¡±

    Anya was right; it really did suck we weren¡¯t together as I hope it resonated inside of her to make it a reality. How could the life of her kids be any worse, if her life was so much better and less stressful? I wasn¡¯t convinced they received the best mom as long as she stayed with Jackson. They only got an older, less efficient version of her, like an older, less efficient version of operating system software that couldn¡¯t function properly with new computer programs that required more memory. I couldn¡¯t believe the well-being of her kids could possibly be intact without her well-being intact as well. The universe played its hand and relied on me to find a way for her to trust in the stars now.

    On the day of the symposium, I coordinated with Kevin that morning, as we agreed to take separate cars and meet there at seven sharp. When Clyde entered my office, I hoped he offered me a last-minute chance to back out, but he only wanted to make sure I knew the symposium was ¡°tonight¡±. Later that afternoon, while on my lunch break, I texted Anya.

    ME: ¡°Missing you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Missing u too! I miss kissing u!¡±

    ME: ¡°There¡¯s not one thing I don¡¯t miss about you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Is it your lunch time? It is beautiful out. Always thinking of u. I love you.¡±

    ME: ¡°My lunch break just ended. It¡¯s a beautiful day. A good day to be at our beach! With each heartbeat, I¡¯m thinking of you. I love you, too.¡±

    Anya¡¯s simple text snapped me out of my morning funk. Her text gave me a sudden rush of adrenaline as her text made me feel so good to know she missed my lips as much as I missed hers. I couldn¡¯t help but pour my heart out to her every chance I got. I just needed her to know how much she meant to me as I wanted her to feel safe with her feelings. To know without any doubt, I felt the same way, and in a lot of ways, even more. As my day continued on, and I became more stressed as the event was now only a few hours away, the Anya I knew and loved, the one I wanted her kids to know like I did, made an appearance with an uninitiated, out of the blue text.

    ANYA: ¡°I love you forever.¡±

    Even sixteen months after we met, these uninitiated texts of love she sent, could end my darkest moments and destroy any negative thoughts I had about anything; work, mom, and even love. She had a healing power over me I could only describe to be ¡°Jesus-like¡± as I felt like a man raised from the dead. Why she had that power over me only the universe could have created or known. I felt so hopeless at times, that if things worked out with Anya, how could I further deny the presence of a higher power, if not the Bible¡¯s God? Her love, the way she loved me, and how much it meant to me, made it possible for me to believe in the impossible. For Anya to come into my life and for the good times to feel so good and right, someone or something, must have loved me more than I ever believed they did, even as that same entity tried to take my mother from me. Maybe this was the trade-off? Was Anya brought into my life to soothe the loss of my mother? I needed and wanted both though, not one or the other. These were how my thoughts would go, from the greatest belief to a horrific disbelief.

    ME: ¡°You must have read my mind. I love you forever.¡±

    As my workday further crept and neared the early evening hour, Anya sent me some more of herself out of the clear blue.

    ANYA: ¡°Muah!¡±

    Her unexpected texts filled my heart with happiness at a time I needed her fuel, just before the symposium hosted by the man who denied her the happiness, we both deserved.

    ME: ¡°You¡¯re the best, babe. Muah!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°No u r!¡±

    ME: ¡°No, you got me licked!¡±

    About two hours later, as the clock struck six p.m., an hour away from sharing the same room with Jackson Caiaphas, for the first time since he came by the office almost a year ago, Anya again hit me with her love one more time.

    ANYA: ¡°I really miss you.¡±

    ME: ¡°I really miss you too. It¡¯s tough.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°What¡¯s tough?¡±

    ME: ¡°Not knowing when I¡¯ll see you again.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°It is.¡±

    ME: ¡°Wish I could see you this week. Is there a chance I can?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I would love to but I¡¯m totally swamped babe. Overwhelmed.¡±

    ME: ¡°I totally understand.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I feel so bad.¡±

    ME: ¡°Don¡¯t feel bad at all, babe! I know you would if you could! Both of your kids were sick and yesterday set you behind the eight ball too. I only have one more week of busy season and a vacation in a few weeks.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I can¡¯t help it. I¡¯m like a walking guilt!¡±

    ME: ¡°I don¡¯t want you to feel guilty about things out of your control, babe. I understand. I know you would if you could.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°You know I would. R u home now?¡±

    ME: ¡°I actually have a company event tonight after work so I won¡¯t be home until late. What r u up to? Any plans tonight?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Just finished dinner. I¡¯m supposed to be at Andrew¡¯s game right now but not going. The ¡°witch¡± is there and not in the mood to go.¡±

    After I read her text, this was proof she really missed me. A bold move by her, one that would only perturb Jackson to know why she refused to go to their son¡¯s game. Today, I felt a shift; a movement towards me as the universe had lined up all these false ¡°coincidences¡± perfectly. It seemed she began to realize, after her kids were both sick, how she could use my help and how the extra stress without it seemed unnecessary. My intentions were pure and never said just to get a promise. I¡¯d help her in every way imaginable and stay focused on my career to give her the things she needed to make it a smooth transition, for her and the kids. At this point, I would lose my career without her as her love carried my drive, my focus, and my success. Without her love, I¡¯d lose all I worked so hard for. A power she had I could never reveal to her because she would only feel more guilt. Although I felt it wasn¡¯t unreasonable to feel she should feel obligated to be with me, I didn¡¯t want to make her feel that obligation existed, as I would only have wanted her to be with me because she truly loved me and knew this would all work out for the best.

    ME: ¡°Do you mean ¡°witch¡± or ¡°bitch¡±? I¡¯m sorry you feel you have to miss Andrew¡¯s game. Wish I could do something to make you feel better so you didn¡¯t have to miss any of his games.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Haha! Yup used that word b4! Thank u for ur support. You really love me, don¡¯t you? You really would do anything for me, wouldn¡¯t you?¡±

    Her text message first hit me in the eyes and then touched my heart. Short of killing anyone, unless in self-defense, I would¡¯ve done anything for Anya. Whenever it came a time to show my love for her, fear did not exist within me. If Jackson planned to have me kidnapped, tortured, killed and chopped up, then my fate was predetermined and sealed the night I met her as I was ready to die for her love. Of course, I didn¡¯t want to experience a ¡°Braveheart¡¯ type end to my love story, but with Anya¡¯s love in my heart, I wasn¡¯t afraid to take on the world. As long as she believed in our love, I didn¡¯t care what anyone thought and I didn¡¯t fear the consequences. I¡¯d challenge society¡¯s corrupt belief systems when it came to marriage and its false sense of morality. I would pry open the judging eyes of the ignorant and expose them to a truth they never wanted to face. To see Anya in any pain, to see her struggle, to hear her cry, to taste her tears, was to see, feel, hear and taste all these things from myself, too. Emotionally and spiritually, I connected with her on a level I could not explain nor ever connect the same way with someone again.

    ME: ¡°I really love you babe. I¡¯m on your side because I know your heart. I would do anything for you or I would die trying.¡±

    I would have loved to talk to this woman at the baseball games. To bring her stares, rich in hypocrisy, right down to earth so Anya never had to deal with them again. I would have welcomed the chance even more with Jackson in the stands as well so I could bring an awareness to his narcissism. How dare you make your wife come to these games with her here, and allow her to look at her in such a manner. Do you remember you cheated on her with this woman while your wife was pregnant with your second child? Now she has to stomach even more disrespect by you fifteen years later? Why aren¡¯t you taking that woman aside and telling her to grow up? I would tell him. Anya had no idea how badly I wanted a shot to go to bat for her. If I were to sit with her at the games, Anya would have nothing but a good time. That woman would not only no longer have a reason to stare but also no but choice to see her happy. It would actually show her that she did Anya a favor because what was the prize anyway? A chronic philanderer? An abusive narcissist incapable of loving only himself? A person that would only end up doing the same thing to her one day? If Anya wanted revenge, she should have just given Jackson to her. It would have been the greatest form of vengeance in human history. If my role in her life wasn¡¯t enough evidence for Anya to leave Jackson, the fact a fifteen-year-old problem still existed, provided all the evidence in the world why she should leave him. Jackson deserved to be alone with only his political aspirations and career achievements in tow because he simply valued those things more than his wife. This woman¡¯s role at the games had to shout out to Anya from the rooftops that what happened in the past would eventually reappear; no matter how much she tried to forget it. People could always forgive, and they should for their own sake, but if they could never truly forget, then forgiveness could never truly exist. I knew that Anya¡¯s tolerance at the games, she did for the sake of her kids. If she didn¡¯t take care of herself though, and if she didn¡¯t realize she mattered too, she risked not living long enough to be around for her kids. To see them get married, to see them have kids of their own, to see her grandkids grow, and to know they found true happiness.

    I arrived at the lavish Caiaphas Property Group¡¯s corporate offices of at seven p.m. as planned. When I made my way inside, at least three hundred people, mostly men dressed in dark power suits, graced the floor of their state-of-the-art conference room. The area we stood in seemed more like an auditorium than a conference room, as the only comparison I could make was when I visited the Los Angeles branch of Ernst & Young, one of the ¡°Big Four¡± accounting firms, but I think even their room paled in comparison. As I made my way around and grabbed a bruschetta from a waiter who came my way, I couldn¡¯t find Kevin so I began to introduce myself around the room as I met the heads of many real estate management companies I knew, such as SBRE, Allied Partners, and Lakeman-Rushfeld. I then met a woman who introduced herself to me as a Los Angeles City Prosecutor. I then met the gentleman who talked with the L.A. City Prosecutor, who introduced himself as a District Attorney. After these introductions, I had to find a way to politely retreat from the conversation as I couldn¡¯t admit I didn¡¯t know the substance of what they did. After my escape, I then ran into a female Orange County Judge who seemed to be the most popular person at the event who spoke so glowingly of the evening¡¯s host, I almost gagged on my piece of bruschetta. I then made my way toward one of the two stocked open bars as I decided to have a cocktail, the only drink one should ever get at a fully stocked open bar, a long island iced tea, as there was no way they could be cheap with the alcohol. The drink seemed to calm my nerves as I became more social over the next half hour. I then networked with bank executives, public accounting firm partners, doctors and even a congressman who made the event.

    As I met all these people with so many highly regarded backgrounds, I couldn¡¯t believe Anya arranged this entire affair. It convinced me she had to have known these people on some level, even the ones I networked with. Although they never mentioned her and only praised Jackson, it made me feel better to know they didn¡¯t associate the two of them. With this alcohol rich drink now in my system though, I doubted my heart could handle their names being mentioned in the same breath as the scene made me feel far less than adequate that she knew all these people in such high places. Although I knew her in a way they never did, I grew concerned if she ever planned to leave if these people made up most of the seventy-five percent of friends she stood to lose. Would she have ever risked the loss of these hard to obtain business contacts and all their potential money if she left Jackson? As I walked the room further, and had not yet seen Jackson Caiaphas, I suddenly came across Kevin Kash, who I couldn¡¯t tell had been here or just arrived.

    ¡°How long have you been here, Land?¡± he asked me before I could pose the question to him.

    ¡°About a half an hour or so.¡± I said. ¡°I thought this presentation started at seven, but the program says eight.¡±

    ¡°I thought so too.¡± Kevin responded. ¡°It¡¯s what Clyde told me. Be there at seven.¡±

    ¡°Have you been here since seven?¡± I asked. ¡°I didn¡¯t see you.¡±

    ¡°Yeah, but I ran into Jackson so we talked for a little bit.¡±

    ¡°How¡¯s the audit coming?¡± I asked as I tried to ignore their camaraderie.

    ¡°It¡¯s going good.¡± he said with a slight tone of condescension. ¡°He has some subsequent events so I¡¯m reviewing their note disclosure and it¡¯s taking some extra time to wrap.¡±

    ¡°You look sharp, Kev. Oh wow.¡± I said as I saw his wrist. ¡°Is that¡­if that a Rolex?¡±

    ¡°Why yes, it is.¡± He said as he showed it to me as it¡¯s band and unmistakable face glistened in the lights. ¡°It¡¯s actually courtesy of Mr. Caiaphas.¡±

    ¡°Really?¡± I asked. ¡°He bought you that?¡±

    ¡°No, but he only put me in touch with someone who gave me a nice discount.¡± he explained. ¡°Please keep it between us though.¡±

    ¡°Sure thing. Of course.¡± I said as I thought nothing of it.

    At eight, we were instructed to find our seats as we both opted to sit together in last row of seats. There was a podium set up at the front of the room with the CPG logo upon it. As I looked in front of us there seemed to be more people than I initially believed were here. It appeared to be standing room only as several people stood behind us. I watched as so many people in the room came in admiration and wonder--when one only came with knowledge and truth. I felt completely out of place as I tried to fit in among the many admirers. The event, was both uncomfortable and bittersweet, but I found it hard to regret my attendance. If I hadn¡¯t made the perfect pitch, I would¡¯ve never been in line for the promotion to partner, and never been in the position to provide Anya with the financial security she needed to leave. I attended the event for the firm; not for myself. If I had the choice, I¡¯d be at home, in front of my computer, memorializing about how much I missed the non-present, but ubiquitous, event¡¯s organizer. I sat there in quiet contemplation and waited for a man who I despised as a husband, and as politican, to address and con us all. Although I felt there was nothing wrong with that, as the room was filled with people who did the same exact thing.

    When Jackson strode up to the podium, in a dark suit, red tie and mouth piece, he was drowned in a downpour of applause. The admiration and show of respect continued for another two minutes as some people felt obligated to rise from their seats to pay tribute, something I didn¡¯t quite understand. It¡¯s not like he was the POTUS, or he cured world hunger or saved the California Condor from extinction or even a decent husband. He was just a commercial real estate buyer, seller and landlord, and at best, an aspiring politician, not worthy of dignified air. Thankfully, Kevin stayed in his seat, grounded, I believed out of respect for my situation, a nice gesture by him. Jackson then fiddled with the mouth piece and his tie before he asked us how we were doing and thanked us for coming. I knew Kevin had to attend this event to ensure the subsequent events note for disclosure was complete in order to wrap up the financials, but my role still remained unclear, as maybe this was another part of the universe¡¯s plan for me.

    ¡°As you all know we are seeing a market decline this year. A decline we expect to continue for the short duration after such unprecedent economic growth in our country¡¯s history.¡± Spoke Jackson Caiaphas as the lighting above him changed to a light blue hue. He then pulled a small remote control from a pocket on his suit jacket as a large screen behind him began to come down. ¡°How will the real estate market be affected? Will the commercial real estate market suffer along with the residential? We don¡¯t know the answer yet, but we have to be prepared for the worst. In a possible ¡®knee jerk¡¯ response to the real threat of a long-term recession, I¡¯ve had to lay off several of my people over the last several months. People that have worked for me for many, many years. Although there were painful decisions to make, the triggered needed to be pulled if we¡¯re to survive this recession. My buildings are operating at ninety seven percent occupancy on the average, let me repeat that¡­ninety seven percent. I have also negotiated many long-term leases, most of them twenty-year commitments, that run well past the year two thousand twenty-five. We know this doesn¡¯t guarantee our tenants will stay in business and be able to pay their rent, however it does provide a steady stream of income for us. With the help of our new audit firm. KSR, we were able to identify and attain tenants with strong cash positions so we feel we¡¯ve minimized the risk of bankruptcy for the new leases we¡¯ve entered into. This should put us in the position most commercial real estate firms won¡¯t be able to do during this recession; to expand. This strategy should allow us to further expand our portfolio of commercial real estate properties faster than the competition. With my superior vision, construction is currently underway on three brand new office buildings in the heart of Orange County in the city of Irvine. Now while I am most confident about our survival during this recession, I can¡¯t say the same for our competition. Therefore, I¡¯ve identified several commercial real estate properties for acquisition and have even made several offers to buy existing properties that are now falling along the wayside. I estimate CPG will soon own and run essentially seventy percent of the total commercial real estate market in southern California within the next three years. To capitalize on this forecasted success of CPG, I¡¯ve engaged in talks with several investment bankers to take the Company public by early next year.¡±

    Palms upon palms blasted in front and behind me as Jackson relayed this news. I loved the corporate world and over my years as a public accountant, I learned most corporate owners and leaders were misunderstood human beings. That most people who thought they were greedy just wasn¡¯t a true assessment of them at all. They led me to side with the wealthy, and despise the ones who envied them, but Jackson Caiaphas was what gave their envy teeth, and what made CEO¡¯s seem like the bad guys. What people perceived as great news and I perceived as a lack of loyalty to the people who helped get him to where he was. As he negotiated long-term leases with companies who had great liquidity that protected his firm during a recession, he still decided to discard people? He basically admitted he didn¡¯t need to let go of the people that got him this far and further planned to buy more properties so he could do the same thing? As I pondered the depth of his narcissism and greed, he then discussed the commercial real estate market outlook and other related industry news, but I was too disgusted to pay attention to it. I shot a glance over at Kevin, as he appeared intrigued and content to buy what everyone else did; that Jackson Caiaphas was only worthy of admiration and not condemnation for his vision. I couldn¡¯t help but think that if Anya left Jackson to be with me, no matter how much he abused her, I would be the one viewed with consternation by mostly everyone, and not him. That society would hold in contempt the man who truly cared people, and not the man who used the lives of people like pieces on a worn chessboard. After he rambled about the market crisis and how long he thought it would last, he saved his biggest announcement for last.

    ¡°Now, on a bit of a side note, I have a big announcement to make.¡± he said. ¡°After spending my last seven years as a commissioner for the California State Assembly. Where I¡¯ve had the honor and privilege of working with the state¡¯s finest human beings. I am announcing tonight that I will be making a run as member of Congress and for a seat on the House of Representatives in two thousand ten!¡±

    Cheers and aah¡¯s filled the room, as once again, at least six hundred strong stood up to applaud Jackson¡¯s announcement. Since Kevin stood, I did as well, and when he saw me stand, he turned to me.

    ¡°You have no idea how huge this is for KSR.¡± he said. ¡°This will really get the firm into a market place outside of California. Our soon to be first SEC client!¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s huge, for sure.¡± I said. ¡°But I don¡¯t know if the firm wants to deal with the risk associated with SEC clients.¡±

    ¡°Think about it, Land. Especially with us in a recession.¡± he said. ¡°This should help cover any audit clients we lose.¡±

    ¡°We¡¯ve been in a recession and really haven¡¯t lost any business, though.¡± I pointed out. ¡°Our current clients will still need to be audited, or at least reviewed and have their tax returns prepared.¡±

    ¡°Didn¡¯t you hear Jackson¡¯s speech? He said mortgage banks are going to be the hardest hit.¡± he said. ¡°Mortgage banks make up about fifty percent of our audit and tax business. They won¡¯t need to be audited or have tax returns done if they go bankrupt.¡±

    ¡°There are other industries out there though.¡± I countered. ¡°I think we can find a way to find new business in different industries to stop the bleeding.¡±

    ¡°Only if there¡¯s not too much blood lost, Land.¡± Kevin remarked.

    I nodded in agreement as I forced myself to watch Jackson soak in all the adoration and support he received. I couldn¡¯t help but be disturbed by it all. Why didn¡¯t Anya tell me about these people? Why didn¡¯t she tell me what I truly faced? I didn¡¯t just face her kids; I faced a herd of sheep as well. As I tried to stem the tide of negativity, Jackson hit me with a shot to the heart.

    ¡°My wife couldn¡¯t be here this evening. She is home tonight with our two sick kids; Katie and Andrew.¡± he informed the contingent. ¡°Of course, without my wonderful wife, and family I wouldn¡¯t be where I am today. I wouldn¡¯t be the perfect husband if I didn¡¯t mention that in less than three months from today, my lovely wife of mine, my best friend and life partner, will be celebrating sixteen beautiful and glorious years together on June twentieth.¡±

    As cheers paraded around us, Kevin looked at me in doubt as I returned his observance without a word to say. I saw the watch upon his wrist, and although Jackson only directed him to a discount, I feared he bought Kevin in a way, enough to believe the things he said. The same way he bought everyone else in the room, but me. The one person he could never buy. The one person he could never fool.

    ¡°He¡¯s a good father.¡± I said to Kevin as I leaned into his ear so no one around us could hear.

    Kevin nodded and smiled as he continued to stand and applaud. I then decided to sit back down in rebellion as my rampant negative thoughts couldn¡¯t be drowned out by the applause. I came here for information about the direction of the real estate market. I even took some notes for any future audits and reviews so we had a better understanding of the industry and the trends the industry operated in, including all possible risks and uncertainties. I also came here to network, but I never came here to be a part of a political rally--yet here I was, surrounded by people who would hate me to know how much I despised him for what he stood for.

    The rest of the night seemed to go in slow motion as I continued to network and fuel our firm¡¯s growth as Clyde relied on me to get a number of new contacts. By the end of the night, and although I struggled throughout with my emotions, I picked up at least fifty business cards, and at least five new client leads. When Jackson¡¯s self-gratification ceremony finally came to its conclusion, I had only one thing left to do before I left; the thing Clyde expected me to do; I had to personally thank and say goodbye to Jackson Caiaphas.

    As I tried to fulfill my final task of the evening, I watched a group of people converge on Jackson, and then stayed back until they filtered out. I guess since Kevin talked to him beforehand, he felt he could leave our exit to me.

    ¡°I have to run, Landyn.¡± Kevin said. ¡°Sadie wants me home no later than eleven. You comin¡¯ with?¡±

    ¡°I have to stick around.¡± I said. ¡°Clyde wants me to let him know I was here.¡±

    ¡°Are you going to be okay?¡±

    ¡°Just going to give him a quick ¡°congratulations.¡±¡± I said. ¡°Then run like hell out of here.¡±

    ¡°Does his wife know that you know him?¡±

    ¡°Not at all.¡±

    ¡°You haven¡¯t told her? How come?¡± he asked.

    ¡°I eventually will¡¯ Kev. The opportunity really hasn¡¯t presented itself yet to tell her.¡± I said. ¡°Besides, she never told me about who he was and his entourage so I think it evens out. I don¡¯t want to worry her about something else anyway. She already has enough stress in her life as is.¡±

    ¡°Are you in the office tomorrow?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯ll be there.¡± I said.

    ¡°Okay. See you there. Have good night, bud.¡±

    ¡°You too.¡±

    As Kevin exited, I turned my attention back to the front of the room, where only a handful of people stood with him. I then sat in an open chair about fifty feet away from the podium, with my eyes on the notes I took, chicken scratch I¡¯d have to type out on Word when I returned to the office in the morning. Ten minutes later, with only two people near him, I began to approach. As I did, his eyes shifted to me and then looked away to return them to the people before him. I stood there and waited patiently until the last person finished their conversation with him, and only the two of us remained in the entire room, somehow by strange design. He then turned to face me, in a manner that made it seem he waited all night for this interaction. When I extended my hand to him, he met mine with a solid grip. I kept my eyes in his even as our hands separated and smiled as I spoke.

    ¡°Congratulations on your announcement. I¡¯m certain you will do very well in your bid for a seat in Congress next year.¡± I said. ¡°Thank you very much for inviting us. All of us at KSR look forward to seeing the continued success of CPG and your upcoming IPO.¡±

    ¡°Thank you.¡± he responded with a crooked grin.

    ¡°Well, you have a good night, Mr. Caiaphas. Thank you, again.¡± I said as I turned around to walk away.

    ¡°Please try to do the same¡­Mr. Lastman.¡± he said as I felt his eyes burn through the back of my head.

    When I looked back at him in surprise, our eyes met yet again. For the first time, he got my name right. Not ¡°Landman¡± but ¡°Lastman¡± and that¡¯s when I knew, he knew I was in a relationship with his wife. I then thought about all the things he did to hurt the woman I loved. The woman I adored. The woman who deserved to only be loved, honored, respected and never shamed. All the reasons why she encouraged and allowed me to be a part of her life. I then thought about the pain I went through every night because of Anya¡¯s pain, recalled all the times she cried and even Katie¡¯s letter. I thought of his his lack of character and integrity, as his look told me he thought I was the one who lacked those qualities, and not him. I wanted to say something so bad. All the things that boiled inside of me, but here I was, on Company time, handcuffed and bound as a professional and pending partner of a firm that his business helped build. The symposium an event to prove his greatness to me, and he wanted me in attendance, a witness to it all to discourage me to continue to give Anya the love she deserved. I felt certain he felt the same disgust and validation I did, as we tried to gauge each other and what we both knew. This event was planned, without a doubt, to put an end to Anya and I. To make me aware of his power and all I was up against, but he also exposed the power I held over him; the truth of his character, and I refused to give him what he hoped for. I couldn¡¯t help but revel in the fact, that his plan backfired on him. That after all the times he chose to disrespect me, when he didn¡¯t care enough to get my last name correct because in his mind it was never worth knowing. Out of all the last names he knew in this world, it was mine he would never forget for the rest of his life.

    I nodded at him then walked out.

 CHAPTER 1 ~ FIFTY PERCENT

    ¡°A lie that is half-truth is the darkest of all lies.¡± ~ Alfred Tennyson

    ANYA: ¡°Good morning! Sorry about last night. Fell asleep early. Didn¡¯t even charge my phone. How r u?¡±

    Little did Anya know, the furthest thing from my mind was why she fell asleep early. Now that I knew Jackson was on to us, I struggled with telling Anya about it. I had to be careful because if she showed me any fear, I¡¯d question her loyalty and love once again, something I tried to avoid, at least until I could tell her about my promotion. There was no turning back now for me, and if I couldn¡¯t turn back, I wouldn¡¯t understand the person who loved me doing so. Now, she had to catch me as I always planned to catch her. My reputation and career weighed in the balance just as much as hers did now. My sacrifice was permanent now, but I also felt I held power over Jackson too. His wife and I dated for the last sixteen months for a reason, and it wasn¡¯t because Jackson was husband of the year. I held knowledge of the truth about him, and he had to see that as dangerous as a four-year-old with a gun.

    ME: ¡°Good morning! I hope you slept well babe. I¡¯m good. How are you?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m good. Just working. I miss you.¡±

    ME: ¡°I miss you too.¡±

    The event was a setup and show of power by Jackson. His wife just unwittingly set it up without knowledge as it showed the mind games played on both sides of the aisle. He thought it would intimidate me into breaking things off with Anya, as if nothing weighed in the balance for him as he tried to intimidate me into leaving our relationship. I wanted to let Anya know of these dramatic turns of events, but if she told me we were through, I honestly wouldn¡¯t take it well after all I¡¯ve sacrificed. Things would never be the same for me in the eyes of Jackson Caiaphas even if I were to break things off. I¡¯d never be trusted. My character and integrity, two extremely important traits for a CPA to have, would always come into question in my career. There was no doubt he would spread the bad word, without a blemish on himself, if I stayed or left. I had more power if I stayed, because if I left at this point, It would be the same as saying ¡°I was wrong to be here¡±. I believe there was too much goodness in us for it to be viewed as wrong at this point, and I refused to bow down to him. I also didn¡¯t want Katie and Andrew to find out about Jackson as I was up against that monster as well. One of us had to back down, and I never asked to be here. I never wanted to be in the middle of this as I felt Anya and Jackson both had to take responsibility and be held accountable for this. I felt Anya, if she loved me, had to protect me against him. She had to promote the goodness we found in each other to others, if I meant anything to her. Anya and I both had to stand our ground, and with the love we found in each other, things would work out for the best; the way they were meant to.

    I couldn¡¯t deny the sudden unwanted stress and pressure now. I worried and hoped Anya would give me more of a case against her staying since Jackson knew now who I was. The damage he could do to my career if she were to walk away would devastate me forever. She had to vouch for my character and integrity, to act with the knowledge that she approached me at Sonomas, and allowed and encouraged me to love her. To acknowledge all the things she ever told me that allowed my feelings to grow for her. To acknowledge she asked me to fight for her and I¡¯ve done nothing less for the last sixteen months. To acknowledge I wouldn¡¯t have risked our lives for a single day if she never wanted me here. To acknowledge it was the horrific things she told me about the untouchable Jackson that led me to feel this strongly that put my remaining breaths and heartbeats on the line for her.

    I also couldn¡¯t get my mind off of the things she told me the other day as her absence from Andrew¡¯s baseball game was an act of defiance against Jackson, and her marriage, as I wanted to build on her emotions and the decision she made to not attend because of the woman Jackson used to hurt her with. When she stated ¡°I really would do anything¡± for her, she almost begged me to help her in regards to this dilemma. I could do nothing but hope she would ask me see one of Andrew¡¯s baseball games, like the time she invited me to Katie¡¯s ballet recital, or the times she invited me to the movies. To know, she wasn¡¯t at those games alone, and her real protector was there to make sure she could enjoy the games. I¡¯d have gone to the games with her as long as it didn¡¯t create a stir enough to hurt Andrew, and I felt confident Anya wanted me there. Now that I had knowledge Jackson knew I was his wife¡¯s lover; I¡¯d have to either tell her how I knew her husband or tell her I was under the weather. The woman at the game seemed to break her down, especially when she fell behind on work due to her kids both being sick last week. The universe only continued to provide more than enough valid and legitimate reasons for her to leave Jackson. If the infidelities weren¡¯t enough, the inequities in her marriage were. Anya never thought I understood the ¡°kids thing¡±, but it was because I understood the ¡°bad husband thing¡± more. If you¡¯re going to make your career your life, you need to let your wife in on it. I could appreciate Jackson¡¯s hard work for his family and kids, but it came at the expense of Anya¡¯s happiness. Her happiness had to be factored into this decision, especially after he took if from her when he cheated on her several times. It seemed he relied on Anya to do everything at home and if it got too difficult, he¡¯d just hire a nanny to do his share. The kids probably understood, but they really didn¡¯t have to do what Anya did, but benefit from it. How could they possibly ever understand her position? Would Anya want the same life for Katie when she got married? How is Katie going to know her marriage had a risk of inequity if Anya stayed? If Anya were to leave, she could deny our relationship during her marriage to them, and tell Katie and Andrew she didn¡¯t want them to think she had a normal marriage. That marriages should not be inequitable. She could also hide his infidelities from them as well if she left and gave both her kids a chance at better marriages one day, because they would know what destroyed them. With Anya¡¯s defiance mixed with Jackson¡¯s schemes and reputation on the line, it was hard for me not to get my hopes up more than ever before as a new form of urgency took shape.

    Later that afternoon, I texted Anya to see how she was doing.

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m good. Took a break to go get flowers for my kitchen! They¡¯re gorgeous! How r u?¡±

    I found it strange that Anya would get flowers for the kitchen. My low sense of self came into play to ask the question, ¡°what if they came from Jackson¡±? If he obviously felt her anger because of his ex-mistress at the games, and he knew she refused to go and deal with it, it made all the sense in the world those flowers came from him with the hope it got back to me. I asked Anya one time if he ever got her something for Valentine¡¯s Day, and she told me they didn¡¯t exchange gifts, but in a defensive manner to my question. I was certain, she would never tell me he sent her flowers to avoid the things ¡°better left unsaid¡±. In the same breath, she told me one time it made her sad that she could never receive flowers from me. Maybe she bought these flowers for her kitchen to pretend they came from me? I knew Anya for nearly two years now though, and not once did she ever talk of flowers. There just seemed to be more things in play for these to be a gift from Jackson, maybe even a thank you for the event she planned. I let Anya know I was good, but I couldn¡¯t shake off the gorgeous flowers in her kitchen that put my radar up.

    Later that day, she texted me with some news about the place we first met at.

    ANYA: ¡°The rumor is they¡¯re going to reopen Sonomas for a month and then will change the name permanently to Baja Joe¡¯s. I don¡¯t know if this is true.¡±

    ME: ¡°Baja Joe¡¯s? That¡¯s going to be a major demographic shift. That franchise caters mostly to the college crowd. I guess Special Ed only has one more month before he turns into Old Man Winter.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ahahaha! Yes, he will have one more month!¡±

    ME: ¡°He has no conscience. He¡¯s going to feel like Benjamin Button when the new place opens up. He¡¯s probably gonna be even worse if you can imagine that. Those poor people. I miss you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°No kidding! My heart goes out to those patrons! I miss you too babe.¡±

    After we shared a good laugh about Mitch. She texted me about an hour later out of the blue.

    ANYA: ¡°Muah! I miss you handsome.¡±

    I loved her text but the entire day bummed me out, even as it continued into the night. Since she missed the game last night, I thought Jackson would give her a hard time about putting her feelings above her family which in turn would remind her how he put himself above his son when she carried him. Instead, flowers she described as gorgeous, were replaced by an opportunity for us to be together. When I didn¡¯t hear back from her for the entire evening, not even to wish me a goodnight, I feared he took her out to dinner to talk. That the ¡°Muah!¡± text was not only because she missed me, but because she did something that would¡¯ve hurt me if I had known. I remembered my mother¡¯s words when she told me ¡°Remember, he¡¯s the father of her children.¡± A statement, when taken into consideration with the ¡°gorgeous¡± flowers, only stung me more as she felt inclined to put the fa?ade of their marriage on life support, as if I never existed in her life. I thought I¡¯d be able to sleep the negativity away, but it still flowed through me when Anya texted me the next morning.

    ANYA: ¡°Good morning! TGIF!¡±

    Her short ¡°good morning¡± text didn¡¯t make me feel any better as I felt a coldness in her greeting more than a warmth. Her mixed feelings seemed to show as I interpreted her text as ¡°Hey good morning! TGIF! Now leave me alone I got stuff to do.¡± and to be honest, I would¡¯ve preferred not to hear from her if she couldn¡¯t ask me how I was doing It just seemed she wanted to avoid the question, what she did last night. I doubt I would¡¯ve received the truth anyway. Like I did the night we decided to pursue a relationship when she told me all of the friends in high places she had, one of the real reasons she was still with Jackson.

    As much as I struggled, I chose to be cordial and wished her a ¡°Good morning! TGIF!¡± back. When I tried to reach out to her during a silent afternoon from her, I sent her a text and received two, even shorter, responses.

    ANYA: ¡°Yay!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°!!!¡±

    What was she doing? Where was she at? Who was she with that she couldn¡¯t respond at all to me? Where did the Anya from two days ago vanish to? The day reminded me of my workdays when Karyn started to date the Vice-President at my old Company after I sent her flowers. When she went from talking to me all throughout the day to staying away from me completely, as she preferred to be in another office behind a closed door. Here I now dealt with the same exact bullshit ten years later as Anya¡¯s silence gripped me in the same manner those days did. It made me nauseous to realize what I now faced when I trusted she was only still married to Jackson because she believed no one wanted to be with her due to her ¡°baggage¡±. When she led me to believe Lance left her because she had kids. My reward for trusting and opening my heart to her seemed to be the same price Jackson should¡¯ve paid. As I fell behind on work yet again, unable to focus as deadlines approached, I felt more wronged than ever before, disappointed more than ever from the hope of two days ago when she bailed on Andrew¡¯s baseball game as flowers from Jackson seemed to save the day. When Anya texted me later, I think she knew whatever she did on this day, and on the prior evening, was wrong.

    ANYA: ¡°Hope you¡¯re having a nice day. Missing you.¡±

    I began to remember what Mitch said. How many times has she told you she missed you? How many times has she said ¡°I love you¡±? She¡¯s been saying these things for well over a year now. When is she going to prove it with a promise? That she knew all she ever told me? When is she going to feel a responsibility to me? When is she going to hold herself accountable for more than allowing and encouraging me to feel so much for her? I never deserved a single mixed feeling, only consistency if she ever had any real intentions to be with me. Here was the perfect chance to do so. After Jackson¡¯s event failed to produce the end of our love. That the woman at the game was not only evidence you couldn¡¯t forget, but also that you couldn¡¯t forgive, for what he did to you. Why not jump on the opportunity to hide the infidelities from the kids, but expose the inequities that won¡¯t change anytime soon? To show the kids this marriage wasn¡¯t normal and not on equal enough ground to ever have? There were times she left me to feel I conquered Everest, and at other times as if a sink hole opened right underneath my feet. I just had a harder time digesting these cavernous descents.

    ME: ¡°It¡¯s been ok. Hope you¡¯re having a nice day. I miss you too.¡±

    After I sent this text, I vowed to never text ¡°I miss you¡± again unless she said texted it to me as her silence made me doubt the authenticity behind her words. It seemed her longing meant something entirely different than my longing for her, as I sensed it carried a manipulative purpose at times. Said only to lower my guard as it seemed to serve a selfish purpose. If she could go through the entire day, without any effort to see the person she missed, how could I ever trust her missing was more than just a manipulative tactic?

    ANYA: ¡°Just ok?¡±

    I fought back my negative emotions as her silence left me unsettled. I wanted to tell her to continue on with her day and admire the gorgeous bouquet her husband got for her. Go and pay homage to all the friends and popularity his ambition afforded you. Just pretend it¡¯s night time right now, say goodnight to me only if it¡¯s safe to, turn off your phone, and continue to pretend the man you love doesn¡¯t exist at all.

    ME: ¡°Just hasn¡¯t been the best of days for me.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m sorry babe. I hope it gets better. Thinking of you.¡±

    ME: ¡°I appreciate that. Thanks.¡±

    I should have written ¡°thanks for your support¡± to see how it made her feel. Did she not know I didn¡¯t support her marriage in any way shape or form or for anyone¡¯s sake? How could I after all she allowed and encouraged me to feel for her? After all we shared, and all she confided in me about Jackson, she felt I even supported a decision for her to never leave? Thinking of me was hardly enough anymore, I had to know she needed me. If she thought of me, she probably knew she hurt me and felt bad. I appreciated her empathy, but I needed her not to hurt me, and it didn¡¯t matter if we were together or not. She just couldn¡¯t live her life as if I didn¡¯t exist anymore. She didn¡¯t have to text me all the time, but she needed to be consistent. If she planned to go somewhere, let me know. Don¡¯t leave me to wonder and go mad. If it would hurt me, then don¡¯t do it. Period. If she had to do it because of her kids, I¡¯d understand, but things she did with or for Jackson, after she never told me about all these people she knew, I no longer would or could understand.

    About ten minutes later, her guilty conscience caught up to her.

    ANYA: ¡°Is it me?¡±

    She didn¡¯t text me at all last night and went to sleep early, possibly to avoid a confrontation with her husband. Sent me a short text this morning and even shorter ones throughout the day that only brought forth inconsistencies which stirred wonder within. She told me she missed me and that she loved me for over sixteen months. Words started to mean less, and actions meant everything. After sixteen months together, I didn¡¯t expect to feel any negative energy if that¡¯s true, yet here I was--left to doubt her authenticity. She didn¡¯t need to send me long texts or even stay in touch with me all day long. All I wanted was consistency from her without mixed feelings, and if I couldn¡¯t get that, after all we¡¯ve been through, just let me know why so I don¡¯t have to question it, and put the ball in my court.

    ME: ¡°I¡¯ll tell you later. It¡¯s nothing to worry about. I miss you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ok thx. I miss u too.¡±

    Dishonesty wasn¡¯t my style, and she deserved to know what bothered me, but I needed to cool down before I could. I dropped my guard when she didn¡¯t go to the baseball game with the hope she realized she couldn¡¯t stay for the kids. That even fifteen years later she still felt the same stress and anger because of the infidelities, and the marriage was now too unhealthy. That it was a good time to teach the kids this wasn¡¯t a normal marriage so one day they could have one. Although I needed consistency and no mixed feelings from her, I wanted to keep my promised I wouldn¡¯t pressure her. If I could ignore the pain I felt, then maybe I can find fault in my thinking and possible false assumptions I made. The truth was, feelings ruled my emotions and not facts. I didn¡¯t know if Jackson got her flowers, as the fear her silence brought me created the assumption. I had to recognize it was a Friday, and I hated the weekends the most as that¡¯s when her mixed feelings really seemed to take shape. Her ¡°TGIF¡± was sweet, and I know she meant no harm in it, sent to me only from a work is over for the week perspective, but I appreciated weekdays more than the weekends because I at least had a chance to see her on the weekdays. Fridays now were the beginning of my heartache. About a half hour later, I guess the suspense was killing her as she texted me.

    ANYA: ¡°R u mad at me? Did you have one of those days at work cuz work, mom or me? Maybe all?¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry if I gave you that impression. What I¡¯ve started to realize about myself is that when I get stressed out by work and life, it makes me miss you more than usual. I miss u all the time anyways but there are some days I just become needy. Then, I start to dwell on things maybe I shouldn¡¯t. I¡¯m not mad at you. Sometimes I just miss you beyond missing, if that makes any sense.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I miss you too. I wish I could hold you right now.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m thankful for our love. It¡¯s the greatest thing I¡¯ve ever felt. Nothing has ever come close to it. Like I¡¯ve told you before though, I really wish your husband had been faithful and you could¡¯ve lived a life of happy ever after with him, even if it meant I¡¯d never know how great this feels.¡±

    The truth was this arrangement became different for each of us. She seemed to be content with the current arrangement, with its current shape or form. I was at first, but after all we¡¯ve shared, I couldn¡¯t deny I wasn¡¯t. If she never told me Jackson cheated on her, I wouldn¡¯t be in this self-destructive emotional state. I put an enormous amount of trust in her; that her marriage was something she wasn¡¯t willing to live with if she had me in her life. As great as this love felt, it now also left me alone--more than I¡¯ve ever been. Who in their right mind would ever fall deeply in love with someone they couldn¡¯t be with? To fall in love with someone who only missed and loved them, like a puppy? A fun thing to have, but not a necessity?

    ANYA: ¡°If I were there I¡¯d first give you a beer! Then I¡¯d feed you and rub your neck and shoulders. Then I¡¯d take u in the Jacuzzi to relax and give you another beer! Muah!¡±

    I thought her text was very heartfelt and sweet as I remembered the card, she gave me just less than a week prior.

    ME: ¡°You wouldn¡¯t need to bring me a beer. You wouldn¡¯t need to make me a meal. You wouldn¡¯t need a Jacuzzi either. Having you there, would be all I need.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Awww babe. I love you.¡±

    I texted as much truth as I could¡ªshe was truly all I ever needed. She sent some sweet messages, and they always made me feel good or better, but they never changed where she was, and never contained even a promise yet to be. The weekends would now become harder than ever to get through now that I knew Jackson knew it was me. Her love and missing through texts were just not enough anymore because they did the last thing, I thought they would ever do--they prevented my reality and only promoted her fantasy.

    When I got home later that Friday evening, I texted Anya to see what she was up to.

    ANYA: ¡°I have a house full of kids! Last day of school! Just ordered 6 boxes of pizza! Gotta love takeout!¡±

    The fa?ade carried on and it bummed me out like never before. I blamed Jackson for this, that he gave a scorned wife, through his own arrogance, the power to do what she pleased. To even approach decent men at bars to tell them about his wickedness and here I was, alone, full of love and mistrust, more than ever before. The very thing he deserved to feel, I felt for him. The more she carried on with her life as if I were a mirage in the desert, the more I quenched for the truth to be known. The loneliness I now felt, and this sense of despair ran so deeply, it left me to consider the bad, more than the good. My thoughts were so unaligned, I began to empathize with Glenn Close¡¯s character in ¡°A Fatal Attraction¡±. Like her, I dwelled mentally in Anya¡¯s world, more than my own as I left me paralyzed, unable to move in my own life. I could do anything I wanted on Friday night, bound by nothing, but Anya¡¯s love bounded me to a love so great, I felt unfaithful to her and to my love for her if I did. I felt as if I disgraced the beauty of our love if I were to live my life as if she didn¡¯t exist. Although I felt her marriage was a disgrace, I¡¯d give it the legitimacy it didn¡¯t deserve if I were to live as Anya did by the motto ¡°they can¡¯t be hurt by the things they didn¡¯t know¡±. With so much love for Anya, I would only hurt another person if dated until she figured things out. As much as I should¡¯ve thought that way, I wasn¡¯t built that way. I believed in true love too much; my hamartia. I didn¡¯t deserve this though; I never jumped into only a sexual relationship with her, but one based on love. I even walked away from her to avoid all I felt at this moment, but she ¡°couldn¡¯t help it¡±, a recklessness I didn¡¯t appreciate because I trusted she was able to do that, and could only appreciate if she promised to leave him. I then thought of her kids; how she had to do be there for Katie and Andrew, and that helped to get me through this darkest of nights.

    ANYA: ¡°Goodnight sweets. I love you.¡±

    Anya¡¯s sweet goodnight text made me feel better, and I didn¡¯t want to upset her at all with the loneliness and fear I felt. I just didn¡¯t like the power she had over me. She had too much control and I needed to control something before I lost all I ever worked for. The only way I could wrest control back was if I took it to Jackson. To see who she would defend; the man who dishonored her or the man who did nothing but honor her to see where I stood in her life. To know if she truly missed me and loved me. If she defended him in anyway, after I put my reputation and career on the line for her, my entire future and life, I¡¯d have my answer to the things she believed were ¡°better left unsaid¡±. Now that he knew who I was, he needed to also know why I was here. Was I only encouraged and allowed to be her life to feel pain and sadness? I was never going to get my answers from Anya. If she missed me and she loved me, the time came to shoe me. I kept thinking back to Mitch¡¯s words ¡°For how long has she been telling you this now?¡±. I didn¡¯t want him to be right. He couldn¡¯t be. If Jackson knew we were in a relationship, and he did, then I wanted her to come clean with him to protect and defend me. Not to continue to pretend of give him the false hope this was just a phase she was going through. Just an illness until she cured herself of me. If she couldn¡¯t protect or defend me, then she put that duty in my hands. It was clear, Jackson allowed this to happen, but why? Was he confident she would not ever leave him? If so, what gave him that much confidence? He suspected something about Lance too, and watched that eventually deteriorate into nothing. His master plan was to allow me in her life because he knew his wife would hurt him because of the kids so he allowed an affair, but he never bargained for a relationship. He never bargained for a man like me who truly loved her. I had little choice to confront him since he knew anyway, and if I lost Anya over it, then I¡¯d at least know the truth--I never truly had her to begin with.

    The next morning, with a less fatigued and stressed out mind, Anya sent me a text that gave me a little consistency I craved from her.

    ANYA: ¡°Good morning! How was your night? Hope you got some rest.¡±

    ME: ¡°Good morning! I did thanks. I went to bed early. How was your night?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°It was busy! The kids didn¡¯t leave till midnight. Tired too. R u going to stay with your mom tonight?¡±

    ME: ¡°Yes I am. The kids didn¡¯t leave until midnight? Was it a party for parents too?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°All kids, but my immediate neighbor came over.¡±

    I felt Anya¡¯s texts were sweet but purposeful--to keep me from questioning, as if I tried to collect money from her that she still owed me. Although it seemed to be easier for her to hide an adult party behind a party for kids, I didn¡¯t like the fact she partied while I suffered at home because I trusted her with my life. At the same time, I couldn¡¯t ask her to stop the lives of her kids. I had now gotten caught in a vortex of confusion, then love, then confusion and frustration. Everything she did hurt me now, and maybe even most of it to no fault of her own, but I didn¡¯t truly know. When my heart couldn¡¯t tell the difference, my mind interfered to remind me of my past. I just felt all this stuff I learned on the fly, after I fell for her, she should have been open about when we started to see each other.

    Later in the afternoon, I texted her to see what she was up to.

    ANYA: ¡°Errands. Getting kids¡¯ stuff for Easter. U.¡±

    Business as usual as she didn¡¯t even try to make plans to see each other. I felt left for dead, and so I began to act it.

    ME: ¡°Missing u.¡±

    When I didn¡¯t hear back from her, even after an hour passed, I couldn¡¯t hold back how dead I felt; annoyed how she could jump so easily back into the fa?ade as if I didn¡¯t exist.

    ME: ¡°I guess we don¡¯t miss each other the same way.¡±

    It didn¡¯t take longer than thirty seconds for her to let me know how my text made her feel.

    ANYA: ¡°Why would you say such a thing?¡±

    ME: ¡°It¡¯s the way you make me feel at times. I don¡¯t think we miss each other the same way.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°You don¡¯t think I miss u? I miss you all day everyday until I fall asleep and when I wake up I miss u all over again. Do you sit there and think of ways to hurt me?¡±

    While she partied with kids and friends, as I suffered with a loneliness her love should¡¯ve never left me to feel, I was the one who hurt her? She couldn¡¯t merely sell me on words anymore. They now had to be backed up by actions. She should have told me all about the status of the seventy five percent of her friends I met at the event she stood to lose if she left her marriage. I put my career and reputation on the line for nothing? Yet, I sat and thought of ways to hurt her? How could she not consider how her weekend vanishing acts left me to feel after San Diego? After all we¡¯ve ever shared. How could she leave my heart in such limbo?

    ME: ¡°If you read my text and not be so quick to delete, it didn¡¯t say I don¡¯t think you miss me. I just don¡¯t think you miss me the same way I miss you. I only look for ways to be with you, not to hurt you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I don¡¯t want to start babe. My kids r off school and I don¡¯t want to have negative feelings. I do miss u.¡±

    Her last text it brought me back to earth as I felt ashamed that I couldn¡¯t hold back my negative emotions, but I didn¡¯t know her kids were on spring break. If she didn¡¯t want to have negative feelings, then don¡¯t pretend I didn¡¯t exist, and we won¡¯t. I knew Anya missed me, but not the same way I missed her. I wanted to be supportive of the things she did for her kids, but it also meant to support her marriage, and I hated her marriage because it hurt me and others. If I had to support the marriage, and the fa?ade, then she should¡¯ve told me that in the beginning, before I fell in love with her. I would blame myself before anyone about this, but I walked away from her in the beginning, and I trusted her to let me know about these things, especially when another man existed before me. How could she allow someone to feel all these things for her and not know? How could she disrespect my heart this way when the only reason I chose to be in her life was because someone disrespected hers?

    ME: ¡°Ok babe. I¡¯m sorry. Enjoy your time with your kids. Have a good day.¡±

    An hour later, Anya sent me a text as she tried to show me the importance of my existence.

    ANYA: ¡°I dream everyday. I haven¡¯t stopped missing u or loving u not even for a split second. Even when we get mad at eachother I never stop missing or loving you.¡±

    ME: ¡°I dream everyday too. I like how you put each and other together. Very sweet.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s one word when it pertains to us.¡±

    Anya never told me why she wrote it that way, and I never mentioned I noticed, but nothing meant more to me than her reason why. At times, Anya loved me in a way she never had to say ¡°I love you¡±, but now I wondered of her form of love, and not if she did. Was it truly love or did it only feel that way to her? Was I really special at or was I the only man alive would sacrifice everything for her? Did she think this was true love only because I let her love me on her terms and conditions without a promise? No wonder why she thought I was crazy. Who in their right mind would allow this? A man who was truly in love. The truth seemed to be that Anya loved me as long as she could do so from a distance, and only if the relationship was on her terms and fit into her schedule. As long as I remained a secret. I felt at times, she always knew this but loved me in a way that made me too vulnerable to not accept her in any way shape or form. Wouldn¡¯t true love, know no fear? I wasn¡¯t trying to discount her fears, we all had them, but I strongly believed they all had a way of working themselves out if what she truly felt for me was love. One thing was for certain though, now I knew that Jackson knew about me, the clock was ticking.

    When I arrived at my parent¡¯s house to spend the night, my mom seemed to have our whole night planned with popcorn and a movie. It felt really good to see her in good spirits.

    ¡°What are we watching?¡± I asked. ¡°Or better yet, what do I have to watch?¡±

    ¡°Stop it!¡± She snapped. ¡°You ever heard of the movie ¡®Kingpin¡¯?¡±

    ¡°¡¯Kingpin¡¯? Sounds stupid¡¯¡± I joked.

    ¡°I¡¯ve never seen it but I heard it¡¯s funny.¡±

    ¡°Ok, I¡¯ll put it in.¡± I said but instead grabbed her nearby pill bottle and jokingly put one of her Vicodin pills in my mouth.

    ¡°Landy! Not funny!¡± She said as she slapped me hard on my back with her wooden back scratcher.

    ¡°Owwww!¡± I said. ¡°What was that for? You hit like a girl, Mom!¡±

    ¡°You son of a bitch! Give me that!¡± She yelled at me as she snatched the pill bottle from the top of her dresser and put it in her night gown. ¡°You¡¯re cut off. No more¡±

    ¡°I sure am!¡± I said as I went to put the DVD in her player.

    ¡°You sure are what?¡± She asked.

    ¡°I¡¯m a son of a bitch!¡± I joked.

    ¡°You sure are!¡± She said. ¡°Hey, wait a minute¡­You son of a gun!¡±

    ¡°That makes no sense, Mom.¡±

    ¡°Shut up and put the movie in, please.¡± She said as she hit me on the head with her back scratcher ¡°I¡¯ll go get the popcorn.¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t want any.¡±

    ¡°You always say that.¡± She said. ¡°Then you end up eating most of it.¡±

    ¡°I mean it this time. I¡¯m on a diet.¡± I said as I put the DVD in and started to fast forward it through the old movie trailers.

    When she came back into the room, the smell of kettle corn popcorn filled the room. I could only hold off for another fifteen minutes before I dove my hand into the bowl, and just ten minutes later, there were only a few kernels left. About thirty minutes into the movie, I decided to text Anya.

    ME: ¡°How are you doing babe? Watching ¡°Kingpin¡± with my mom and was just thinking of you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Good. Just cleaning up the house from last night. I love that movie! How was your day? Say hi to mom for me!¡±

    ¡°Mom.¡± I said to my mother who turned to me. ¡°Anya said ¡°hello¡±.¡±

    ¡°Hi Anya!¡± my mom waved excitedly at my phone with a smile as if Anya could see her.

    ¡°You¡¯re such a dork.¡± I said as I texted Anya back.

    ¡°Huh?¡±

    ¡°Nevermind.¡± I said as I fantasized Anya was here with us.

    ME: ¡°She said ¡°Hi Anya!¡± with a big smile. I wish I could help you over there. I¡¯d do the cleaning and then bring you a couple of beers afterwards! Get you drunk and then give you the massage of a lifetime! Loved your sweet texts today. Just hearing from you made my day so much better.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Haha! Thx! U always find a way to make me feel good!¡±

    ME: ¡°Just returning the favor babe. I love you forever.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I love you forever.¡±

    After I got off the phone with Anya, my mother and I finished watching ¡®Kingpin¡¯ after going through two bowls of kettle corn. The last time I spent the night at my parent¡¯s house, was the last night before I moved out to Orange County. It felt just like I lived at home again, a nice break away from all the anxiety and depression I felt living on my own these days. Although anxiety and depression began to consume me, I refused to believe it was a problem, not a masculine thing to do. Instead I relied on an occasional Vicodin and pride rather than advice or help. All I had to do was make it to the day of my promotion, when the chips would all fall in place. When all the sacrifice, pain and anxiety would prove to be worth it once I could let Anya know how good things would be for us. She already knew my mother. Would she have said ¡°hi¡± to my mother if she never planned to be with me? If Anya knew how much her ¡°hi¡± meant to me, she could also understand how much I wanted to one day be able to do the same with her children. If you loved someone, and couldn¡¯t live without them, she would vouch for me. The way I vouched for her everyday. How could she not vouch for me one day too?

    The next day, Easter morning, my mother made me a bowl of oatmeal with cinnamon toast for breakfast, my favorite, as it reminded me of being a kid again and all the wonder ahead of me. Nothing seemed to slow my mother down, not even chemotherapy, as she seemed to be in really good spirits, something I badly needed to see to get me through the rough patch I went through.

    As I ate the best breakfast I had in years, I received a very sweet text from Anya.

    ANYA: ¡°Btw Happy Easter to you and your family!¡±

    Anya¡¯s text put a smile on my face, in more ways than one. Although I was agnostic, and also respected Jewish people, for Anya to acknowledge Easter represented a clash with Jackson¡¯s Jewish faith who believed Jesus to be a sorcerer, incapable of rising from the dead. I found it very sweet that Anya knew what Easter represented to my mom more so than what it represented to the Jewish faith she reformed to when she married Jackson.

    ME: ¡°Happy Easter to you and yours too! Easting¡­I mean eating breakfast right now! What are you doing for Easter, babe?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Haha! Just going to my mom¡¯s. R u helping your mom? Who¡¯s making the food? I think that¡¯s sweet you spent the night and hung w/ur mom.¡±

    ME: ¡°My mom is! Can you believe it? I¡¯m going to clean up though.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°She¡¯s strong enough to do the cooking? That¡¯s nice your helping cuz it can be tiring especially the cleanup. Proud of u babe.¡±

    ME: ¡°My mom is in really good spirits! It¡¯s been the best Easter!

    Anya¡¯s mom was Christian, so when I heard she planned to visit her mother too, it warmed my heart as anything she did against Jackson¡¯s faith made me feel safe. After I got off the phone with Anya, I went to do the dishes, but my mother pushed me out of the way when I tried to clean up the kitchen. I guess she just wanted to feel like her old self again. After breakfast, I hung out with her and my dad for a little bit longer before I went home to catch up on some work I needed to finish before the new work week began. At about four thirty that afternoon, I took a break to text Anya.

    ME: ¡°How are u babe?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m good. Just spending time w/the kids. They¡¯re growing so fast.¡±

    ME: ¡°Sounds like you¡¯re having a nice day. What are you noticing?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Just the way they talk and act. Not to mention Katie is my height now.¡±

    The last time I saw Katie was at her recital over a year ago, and even back then she looked as tall as Anya. After a rough week, I appreciated she shared this with me. I viewed it in nothing but a positive light, as if she wanted me to know they may be growing fast enough to not hate her and understand her reasons if she left Jackson. That¡¯s the way my heart chose to look at it anyway, especially when she followed it with the next text.

    ANYA: ¡°I miss u.¡±

    ME: ¡°I miss u too.¡±

    I chalked up yesterday to just being one of those days for me as I noticed how the weekends left me to feel lonelier than the weekdays did. My mother¡¯s battle with Cancer also exacerbated my emotions as well, as the time I spent with her made me feel stronger within. With the weekend behind me, I felt really good about us, but I worried with the kids on vacation, I would be faced with another week of mixed feelings followed by silence and inconsistency over the phone; the lifeline of our relationship. Now that I knew Jackson was aware who Anya was in a relationship with, she needed to understand how much I gave up of myself and my own future to be with her. Unlike her husband, I never vagina hopped. I knew what love was and I respected it. I just wanted someone to love who felt the same I did, and she led me to believe I had that. I walked away from her after we met only because if I fell deeply in love and things didn¡¯t work out, I would lose myself for a very long time, if not forever. I would only feel married to her, and not just an acquaintance. It would bother me deeply if she ever though I should¡¯ve never put my heart and soul into us. Not only because I didn¡¯t know any other way to love someone, but after she asked if I would fight for her and did. I gave her my life in the process for what I felt would be, the rest of it. If things didn¡¯t work out, I also gave away the opportunity to have kids of my own one day, because I would never love someone this way again, nor would I be able to for a very long time. And if I ever found myself again. I¡¯d be too old. When I lost Denise, a three-month relationship. the mental damage cost me six years. How many years would it cost me if I ever lost Anya? After I trusted her promise to be with me if she fell in love with me? Even after I gave her the time to make it happen when she felt most comfortable? She shared the most intimate details of her kids¡¯ lives with me. She even told me I knew her only daughter better than any other man. By doing so, I fell in love with not only Anya, but all three of them. She even gave me more hope when she told me she fantasized about having a child with me; words I trusted were real enough to fall even deeper. We talked of marriage, even dreamt about it in detail, and different ways of how to show our affection. We talked of trips, things to wear and forever. At this point, how could she use her kids as a sentimental wedge between us after all we ever shared and experienced, if I truly meant everything to her? All the pieces, pieces I gave her in complete trust, were in play for her to leave. I didn¡¯t want her to leave right away if she felt it was not the right time. The lack of a promise though, of any kind, after all I¡¯ve sacrificed and shared, is what hurt me now. Even if she couldn¡¯t leave for another year or two, a promise carried weight with Anya. It carried the same risk I took with her, and more than anything, a promise I could trust in. Also, it would put the ball in my court to be strong emotionally for her, but without a promise, I could never be the ¡°Big Boy¡± I told her I would be. My emotions would only continue to eat me alive.

    ANYA: ¡°Goodnight babe!¡±

    When Anya texted me goodnight, I worried about her potential mixed feelings with her kids on spring break. I worried about her silence and inconsistency over the phone. I didn¡¯t expect her to contact me like she usually did. I understood and wanted her to spend time with them this week. They were only this age once, but I only didn¡¯t want to feel as if I didn¡¯t exist. As if we never shared a thing, and her marriage was the same before she met me. I could only hope she wouldn¡¯t use the kids as a reason we could never be together after she shared their lives with me in such detail, it allowed me to love them too. I sacrificed kids of my own when I trusted her love for me, and although I¡¯d never tell her that because I wouldn¡¯t want her to feel an obligated only because I mentioned it, I felt she should exercise some sensitivity to the man who truly had no one, if he didn¡¯t have her. She should consider that I truly loved her, the same kind of love that kept a widower single forever, and that my love wasn¡¯t something that could simply be turned off like running water from a faucet.

    When Monday rolled around, I had to make one last trip to Hesperia to get my senior staff up to speed on the work I did while he was out sick. On my drive in, a ninety-minute journey due to traffic, I thought I would hear from her. When I didn¡¯t however, the fears that swirled inside my mind from the night before, now began to swarm. When the clock struck eleven on that same morning., I decided to take an early lunch to try and clear my head so I could find the focus I needed for the rest of the afternoon.

    ME: ¡°How r u this fine morning?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Good! How r u?¡±

    I hoped she was ¡°good¡±, but how could she be when her silence unsettled me? The Anya of old would have texted to say she missed me, but could it be true that she only missed me when her kids were at school or weren¡¯t around to keep her company?

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m good. Just thinking of you. What¡¯s r u up to?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Hanging w/my kids.¡±

    With a fear of abandonment in my mind, I paid close attention to her word choice. When she substituted her usual ¡°the¡± with ¡°my¡±, it felt defensive, as if my question annoyed her in some way. Her kids were now eleven and thirteen, soon to be twelve and fourteen. When I was their age, I was usually hanging out with my friends, not my mother or father. It made me wonder if she told me the truth and if this was the sentimental wedge she tried to insert between us as if I had no right to ask her such a question. I also realized last year at this time; she was in Spain with her husband on a Canary Island. What was supposed to just be a business trip. Was she possibly upset that there wasn¡¯t such a trip this year for her because of me? If I hadn¡¯t texted Anya, would I have ever heard from her? If she didn¡¯t want pressure from me, why couldn¡¯t she at least kept me updated so I didn¡¯t wonder about things. Or did the woman who told me ¡°I hurt when you hurt¡±, purposely decide not to even say ¡°good morning¡± so I would?

    After I received her text, I realized to be focused at work wouldn¡¯t be on the menu on this day for me.

    ME: ¡°Sorry to bother you. Have a good day.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Bother?¡±

    ME: ¡°It just feels like I am.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°U ok?¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m ok. R u?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yes! Just busy w/kids! Irvine?¡±

    I wanted to ask her what her and the kids were doing, but she might think I pried too much, and would only lead to pressure from me. Maybe I just overreacted to her silence, but when you had your heart so much into something, I think it was only natural to question things sometimes. She told me at times it was hard to believe I was for real, when in actuality, I felt that at times about her. Her silence stunted my ability to understand.

    ME: ¡°Hesperia. Have fun w/your kids babe. Sorry.¡±

    Maybe the kids were over the house with their friends and I overreacted because I missed her and it seemed she didn¡¯t feel the same? I knew she had kids, and I respected her time with them. I wouldn¡¯t have been in her life for the last sixteen months if I didn¡¯t. I couldn¡¯t ignore the more she hung out with the kids, the more she would be pulled in that direction. Because of it, it was hard not feel she pit them against me. It felt at times, since she made no plans to be with me, that she only loved me so deeply so she could question my love for her if I disagreed with her decision to stay. If she loved me that deeply for that reason, she couldn¡¯t have known love, let alone respected it. Love was more than words from a poet or what she saw in movies. Love wouldn¡¯t allow her to ever become a martyr.

    I didn¡¯t know if I could buy what she tried to sell me as I started to believe it was the money that afforded the kids their lifestyle, one of horse and boats, was what kept her there; not the reasons she led me to believe. If Jackson was broke, or his company went bankrupt, would she still be there? Every logical person knew the answer to that one; no way in hell. Anya was there for Jackson¡¯s money. I no longer believed she stayed there for the popularity it bought, because she already collected that payment as evidenced by the friends in high places at the symposium. She was still there because of the lifestyle Jackson¡¯s wealth afforded her kids, the real reason why she feared they would hate her if she left him. I couldn¡¯t say Katie and Andrew were spoiled because I felt they did deserve to be rewarded for the work they put into their lives to do well. I admired their upbringing and their drive for those reasons. It¡¯s good motivation however, when you¡¯re given a reward for your hard work and that didn¡¯t happen in most households. Kids should be raised to work hard without reward, and not have investment accounts setup for themselves already. I couldn¡¯t blame Anya for that though, because why wouldn¡¯t a parent want their kids to have things to motivate them to do well in school and in their activities? I wanted nothing but the best things in life for both Katie and Andrew. They deserved it. The problem I had is I was encouraged and allowed to fall in love with her without any fear this was the reason she stayed. This is something I learned on the fly, and never told about in the beginning. Anya felt for them, I would be a downgrade, and if she couldn¡¯t love me enough to show them otherwise, then how could she say she loved me? She never went to bat for me. She never told her kids that boats, horses and money didn¡¯t lead to happiness in life. She could have given her children the ultimate gift: to teach them money didn¡¯t lead to happiness. Why share so much? Why bring me this far? How could she do this to me? How could she put me in the position to feel so loved but so alone and worthless? How could she share intimate details of her children, claimed I knew her daughter better than any other man, and never planned to have them ever meet me? A promise would show me she understood my position and she was a significant reason why I existed. All I wanted to know from her now, whenever she chose to communicate her kids to me, was when she planned to introduce them to me and how she would integrate them into my life. It was obvious now--she didn¡¯t think I could compete with Jackson¡¯s money, and if I was unworthy of her vouching for me because she believed that, how could she say she loved me? Especially when she could go throughout her day without sending me a single text? How could she say she missed me if she could go through an entire day without contact? These things could only be communicated as a means of manipulation; to keep me in fear and to take advantage of my vulnerable fragile state. I know she also feared my emotions could set us back, but she couldn¡¯t give purposely give me negative thoughts and fear my sadness at the same time. The thing that really worried me about her spending time with the kids wasn¡¯t the fact she was spending time with them. Fatigue and stress only enhanced these negative feelings, so I tried to hide how I felt from her when she texted me later that afternoon.Love what you''re reading? Discover and support the author on the platform they originally published on.

    ANYA: ¡°Hope you¡¯re having a good day.¡±

    ME: ¡°It¡¯s going good. How¡¯s urs?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Good! Just nice to spend time w/the kids!¡±

    I¡¯m sure it was nice for her to spend time with the kids, but she hung out with Katie in San Diego just weeks ago, and they were just sick for the last two weeks. I trusted she always did, and was the reason why I couldn¡¯t see her as much as I liked. My mom never wanted to hang out with me when I was their age as she always wanted a break. Why would spring break be any different from the summer months as far as spending time with her kids? Was I being too sensitive about this? Was it because she wanted to have kids with me, but never acted on it? Was it because I knew if I lost her, I¡¯d never have kids of my own? Was she trying to push me away by mentioning this to me each time we texted on this day?

    ME: ¡°That¡¯s nice babe. Don¡¯t u always spend time w/the kids though?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°They r on vacation.¡±

    The main reason Anya and I couldn¡¯t be together, or why she¡¯d always have to bid me an early ¡°goodnight¡± or quick ¡°good morning¡± -- or at times was too busy to say those things at all, was because she led me to believe the kids took up most of her time. Vacation or no vacation, what was the difference? I just found it hard to believe an eleven and thirteen-year-old, on spring break were hanging out with mom all day. I knew they had a lot of friends in their neighborhood, dozens than I did growing up and I never was home at that age. Anya could feel where I was though, when I questioned the form of her missing, and essentially, the form of her love for me. Couldn¡¯t she hang out with the kids and talk to me at the same time? How was this different from Andrew¡¯s baseball games she used to text me all the time from? Without a promise to hold on to, I became more sensitive when she texted me about her kids, the thing that kept us apart. Unless she were to tell me she would like to introduce them to me one day, what¡¯s the point if she viewed me as a downgrade to a man who not only cheated on his wife, but his family on several occasions? What I learned at the symposium, the mysterious nature of the gorgeous ¡°flowers¡± she got for her kitchen, talk of her ¡°good¡± day with her kids while I secretly hurt inside, the possible manipulations of the words ¡°I miss you¡± and ¡°I love you¡± with no plans to see me, and no mention of me and the kids, but only of me versus them without the thought of a promise to be together, but only fantasies while reality poured cruelly upon me, along with this stress and fatigue, broke me down emotionally even as I tried to stop myself from mentioning a word.

    ME: ¡°I know you love your kids, babe. Just please don¡¯t throw them in my face and pit them against me. That¡¯s not right.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Huh?¡±

    The woman who claimed she felt ¡°tremendous guilt¡± because I would be on my merry way if she hadn¡¯t approached me, responded to my sensitivity with a ¡°huh¡±. She only felt ¡°tremendous guilt¡± about her kids, and not for me. She lied to her kids on a daily basis when she was with me or without me. Now that Jackson knew who I was, I put my reputation and entire career on the line for her, and I refused to be a mere fantasy. She had to know that her love should never change even when the kids were around. I know her husband didn¡¯t care about the feelings and emotions of others, but I did, and I couldn¡¯t pretend her change in communication didn¡¯t affect me¡ªall because her kids were around. If she felt she betrayed them by talking to a man she fell in love with, then she betrayed them for her entire marriage, not just over the last sixteen months. What she tried to sell me, I could no longer buy from her.

    ME: ¡°Nevermind. I guess ¡°huh¡± is love? Please don¡¯t tell me ¡°it¡¯s nice to spend time w/the kids¡± because you¡¯ve led me to believe that¡¯s what you always do. The reason we can¡¯t hang or talk out as much. It makes me feel I¡¯m only worth anything to you when they aren¡¯t around. That hurts. I¡¯m sure it¡¯s nice to spend time w/the kids regardless if it¡¯s a vacation or not. That is why I mentioned you don¡¯t miss me the same way. You have someone; your kids. I didn¡¯t say you didn¡¯t miss me. This is coming from me missing you and me being in love with you. Not trying to hurt you. I want you to enjoy your time with your kids without saying anything. I have never not supported that even if I miss you more because of it, but it¡¯s not right for you to disappear or to treat me differently all because they¡¯re home. That hasn¡¯t stopped you in the past. That¡¯s all I¡¯m asking. I want you to have the best time with them, and not just a nice time. Just please be aware I¡¯m a little more sensitive to things now. After all we¡¯ve shared, I have a right to be. I do exist when your kids are on vacation or not.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I don¡¯t want to walk on eggshells anymore.¡±

    When Anya sent me this text, I knew my time in Hesperia was over as I could no longer concentrate on my work for the day, and would now have to drive all the way back to finish it the next one. For her to let me know she walked on eggshells brought me right back to Jackson, and the things ¡°better left unsaid¡±. If she had to ¡°walk on eggshells¡±, then there¡¯s no way she was truthful to me. When I realized all the times she hurt me that she¡¯d never tell me about, because she was afraid of my emotions, things she allowed and encouraged me to have, the very essence of love, I could no longer hold back as I sent several texts to her as I tried to get her to see the strategy Jackson used against us, to see if she would defend me, after sixteen months of defending her.

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m really upset at your husband for cheating on you and for allowing you the liberty to meet me. We both hurt everyday because of it, especially me. I¡¯m not happy with him at all about this. If he was a good husband we wouldn¡¯t be in this pain. It sucks.¡±

    ME: ¡°He knew you would struggle and hurt even more if you had an ¡°affair¡± especially knowing how loving you are. Then he¡¯d tug at your heart strings by playing the kid card so he knew we¡¯d both be hurting and now we¡¯re mad at eachother which we should never be.¡±

    ME: ¡°And he knew the guy would hurt b/c of how beautiful you are. He definitely wasn¡¯t thinking of me. He thinks he¡¯s clever though. That¡¯s for sure.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m in love with the most beautiful woman on the face of the planet in my eyes but I want to be with her. Not much to ask when she is in love with me too. He¡¯s trying to make you look like a poor mother when you¡¯re the best mother and person when you¡¯re just a bad wife because of all he¡¯s done. Because of who he is.¡±

    ME: ¡°I don¡¯t dislike him as a human being. I only dislike him as your husband. You deserve better.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°All I can say is I love you and I don¡¯t want to get into it.¡±

    After I read her text, all I could say is I didn¡¯t know how much more of my heart and soul I could pour into our love if she never wanted to get into it. Her text was a perfect example of how her love for me only existed on her terms. Jackson was the responsible party for the woman at the games. And just like myself, she would¡¯ve never existed if he hadn¡¯t cheated on her. Yet not one time did she blame him for her discomfort at the games to me. A decision she should have also made the first night we met, if she didn¡¯t want it to affect me at all. Since he bought her kids with boats, horses and rewards for their hard work, I wasn¡¯t worth being vouched for, protected or defended. She wanted me to fight for her without a fight, and it made no sense anymore. I felt she unnecessarily and purposely threw the time she spent with her kids this Easter weekend in my face, to drive a sentimental wedge between us, and I wasn¡¯t happy about it. Jackson¡¯s symposium left me to feel misled by Anya, and her love for me. I didn¡¯t want to hurt her, but I was in massive agony that I trusted had reason. I didn¡¯t want to argue. I didn¡¯t want to pressure her, but I felt Jackson not only wanted this but that Anya misled me about her intentions as it seemed this was the plan since Day one; to hide all she couldn¡¯t from Lance, then allow me to fall deeply in love with her and then hit me with the ¡°kids¡± and a mother¡¯s sacrifice after my love for her was secured. She said I was the ¡°perfect¡± man, and not like any man she ever knew, yet she treated me just like the man who cheated on her; like a man devoid of empathy. If she truly loved me, she needed to make a stand for me. She had to show me she didn¡¯t mislead me in any way, shape or form, otherwise I had to seek the truth on my own.

    When Anya told me she ¡°didn¡¯t want to get into it¡±, I respected her wishes. I knew it wasn¡¯t easy to talk to me with the kids around, and I didn¡¯t want her to be at an emotional disadvantage around them. I tried to ease what I told her by going after Jackson instead, but it didn¡¯t have the effect on her I wanted.

    Anya broke the silence between us when she texted me the next morning.

    ANYA: ¡°I think people like hurting me to get a reaction out of me. I must be fun to hurt. I¡¯ve told you everything. I don¡¯t know what more you want me to say.¡±

    Everything she did, hidden or not, in support of her marriage hurt me. Everything she did for Jackson that she kept from me, hurt me more than ever. She allowed me to feel something so beautiful and great for her yet she couldn¡¯t understand my goal wasn¡¯t to hurt her. I loved her, but she couldn¡¯t love me on her terms, and call it love. Anyone would love someone who gave them everything they wanted without any cost. She owed it to me to tell me everything I needed to know before I fell in love with her. If she gave me the chance she did, she had to know I wasn¡¯t close to the dog she married. This wasn¡¯t about hurting her, I loved her more than life itself, but understanding why I hurt so much. Why I was allowed and encouraged to fall in love with her if she had kids and mothers made sacrifices for them? Why did she wait to tell me what I was up against? Why didn¡¯t she tell me about all the friends in high places, whose relationships she built and mattered to her, that she stood to lose if she left Jackson? Why did she choose to ruin my life and not the man who allowed me to exist? I wanted to say these things to her. I wanted to drill them in her head. No, you haven¡¯t told me everything. There are still things I don¡¯t know. Things you should have been totally up front about in the beginning. You never told me about the things ¡°better left unsaid¡±. Things that would challenge your love for me. You never told me the real reason why you were there. That it was money, not because of ¡°baggage¡±. But, I couldn¡¯t bring myself to do it. I was too happy to hear from her. To worried about how she felt and didn¡¯t want to ruin her time with the kids, even as I felt ruined for life. I wanted to let it go because I took no pleasure in her pain. It was never fun for me to say a word that hurt her, when I loved her to death. I know what I wanted her to say, but I knew my life would end by her response if I told her.

    ME: ¡°Nope. I¡¯m just an idiot. Not easy missing someone you want to spend every waking minute with.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°What now?¡±

    ME: ¡°Enjoy the time w/your kids, babe. We¡¯re secondary.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Thank u.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry to hurt you. I love you. I understand how you can feel that way.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s not u against them.¡±

    ME: ¡°Ok.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I miss u more than u know.¡±

    ME: ¡°How r u? Did you sleep ok?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ok. Tossed and turned. U?¡±

    ME: ¡°Ok. I didn¡¯t sleep well either. I apologize for giving you a hard time. I¡¯m trying to keep it together for you, but it¡¯s difficult sometimes.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m sorry you¡¯re hurting. You know how much that hurts me. I just don¡¯t know anymore.¡±

    I felt the form of love I had for Anya would have told her ¡°I won¡¯t do things to hurt you anymore¡± rather than ¡°I just don¡¯t know anymore¡±. She knew what hurt me, yet she had no plans to discontinue what she did or change her behavior. If she allowed or encouraged any man to feel as much as I did for her, she had zero right to act as if her hands were tied behind her back. I never wanted to come in the middle of a marriage if she had any plans to stay if she experienced even a percent of what we did. When her form of love failed to meet mine, a love she told me was ¡°true¡±, I ached to see what truth existed behind her words.

    ME: ¡°What don¡¯t I know about you missing me?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Huh?¡±

    ME: ¡°You told me you miss me more than I know. What don¡¯t I know?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°You don¡¯t see me throughout the day. You don¡¯t see what I go through.¡±

    ME: ¡°What do you go through babe? Please tell me. I need to know.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°A lot of missing you.¡±

    ME: ¡°How specifically?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Nothing to open up. I just miss you a lot.¡±

    Her vague responses only left me more unconvinced, just something said to quell the storm within me. I wanted peace between us as well. I didn¡¯t want to burden her at all, but why did she allow me to feel what I did¡ªall for the sake of a dream? She only told me she loved and missed me so I wouldn¡¯t pressure her to leave, as she hoped I would just walk away if I couldn¡¯t handle it, but I found it impossible now. I stood to lose too much, not only her but my career as well, but it seemed she left me with only two choices; to leave or to put up with it, and if that was true, how could she say she loved me in any way shape or form? I counted on her to know what love was after the emotional abuse she endured by the hands of a man who promised to honor her for her lifetime. I never wanted to put pressure on her, but it was a great challenge while she partied like a rockstar with neighbors and hung out with her kids, while I hung out with a stage four cancer patient for comfort when I missed her. She complained of inequity in her marriage, but she gave me the same inequity. If she could watch me walk away without a care, then she never needed me enough to love me at all. I felt now, if she ever truly loved me, she would¡¯ve separated from Jackson or made me a promise to leave him one day. I knew it wasn¡¯t simple for her to do, but it was that simple if she truly loved and respected me. If I didn¡¯t show her what love was, she would only do this to someone else. In a way, I felt I protected her by holding her accountable to know what love was. That she couldn¡¯t just love people this deeply without any real sense of obligation, only for the sake of a dream. Love was a crazy emotion, I felt it, but if she put the wrong man through this, she would never live long enough to leave Jackson. Of course, I¡¯d take my own life before I¡¯d take someone else¡¯s, but I wasn¡¯t like most men. As much as I questioned her form of love at this time, I didn¡¯t want to steal her away from her kids, so I caved in.

    ME: ¡°You know you put a lot of women to shame, if not all of them. I know you might find this contradictory but I wouldn¡¯t love you if you were the type of woman to leave your kids behind for me b/c if you were to leave them behind, two innocent people, you wouldn¡¯t hesitate to leave me behind one day too. It¡¯s a beautiful quality and I respect that about you, babe.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I don¡¯t know what you mean.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m just saying I love you for putting your kids before yourself. If you didn¡¯t, I don¡¯t think I would.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Thank you.¡±

    Although I felt I deserve a promise, and for her to at least separate from Jackson. I wanted her to know, as much pain as it brought me, I respected her struggle too. If she should feel tremendous guilt about anything, it was the way she allowed and encouraged me to fall in love with her as if she planned to leave Jackson. How could she allow that to happen and not at least promise to leave? How could she be so bold yet so cowardly at the same time? I believed if I had done this to her, and the circumstances were reversed, I would¡¯ve never have heard the end of it. If Carolyn and Debbie thought we went in circles, that was the reason why. My own contradiction was as much as I questioned her form of love, I didn¡¯t want to believe I was right about it. I wanted to believe her love for me was the same form of love I felt for her. I wanted to give her the chance to prove that to me, and if we broke up, it would always seek it or feel completely misled. I even felt a bit victimized by it at times, almost as if I were a rape victim because I never signed up for this. I always trusted her to leave if she loved me the way I loved her.

    I didn¡¯t hear from Anya until about seven that evening, and when I did I felt like it was done not only to avoid me, but to avoid a situation that would¡¯ve hurt me and only led to pressure from me.

    ANYA: ¡°Turning in early! Goodnight u!¡±

    As much as I wanted her to talk to me, I couldn¡¯t blame her as I knew the emotional toll this relationship was beginning to take on both of us as I wanted to crash as well. I felt bad about the pressure I gave her because she had to face her kids while I only faced four walls with my emotions. Although she was at an emotional disadvantage at home, she had something I didn¡¯t; she knew without a doubt I truly loved her.

    The next morning, the Anya I knew and loved, appeared.

    ANYA: ¡°Good morning! How was your night?¡±

    ME: ¡°Good morning! I went to bed early too and slept better! How was your night?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I crashed. Needed it!¡±

    ME: ¡°By the way, today is the last day of busy season! I finally get my life back!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°That¡¯s good! I miss u.¡±

    ME: ¡°I miss u too.¡±

    With the fifteen-hour days and office work on Saturdays behind me, I had high hopes the stress and fatigue would decrease enough for me to deal more constructively with my emotions and to not put any more undue pressure on Anya. She mentioned there might be a chance for her to visit me, on Friday, the seventeenth of April, but it was extremely tentative as it happened before our bump in the road the last couple of days. As much as I missed her, I didn¡¯t want her to visit if she felt uncomfortable as we both needed less apprehension and more positivity. I also wanted Anya to know, I thought she was a great mother. Even as we dated, she always went beyond the call of duty as a mother for her kids, and I needed to better instill that kind of positive reinforcement in her. I didn¡¯t have a problem with Anya, the mother. She reminded me too much of my own. I only had a problem with Anya, the parent, as I felt she needed to be brave enough to teach her kids what was and what was not acceptable in a marriage. They were growing but she also wasn¡¯t fooling them anymore--not after Katie overheard her threaten Jackson with divorce. Anya couldn¡¯t destroy a big part of who she was, a crucial part of her well-being, just to please them. To make them feel everything was just super when things weren¡¯t as evidenced, even fifteen years later, by the woman at the baseball games. I didn¡¯t think it was right that she remained dishonest with her children and treated them as if they were inept to feel or know what was happening around them. There was a way she could be honest with them without being totally honest about their father. His money shouldn¡¯t be enough to replace his presence as he wasn¡¯t there as much as a father should be. He also had no plans to change as his political aspirations would separate himself from them even more. I didn¡¯t believe mothers were intended to make sacrifices in dishonest environments, but rather showed the courage to be honest with their kids and not to pretend they were perfect. Anya and Jackson built a bubble around Katie and Andrew, a false environment that only set them up for failure when adversity struck to show them life wasn¡¯t fair to anyone. To me, Anya had to know when she had to be a mother, and when she had to be a parent¡ªa struggle every parent had.

    ME: ¡°I hope you know I think you¡¯re a great mother, babe. I hope you don¡¯t think I¡¯d ever be critical of all you do for your kids. I know it¡¯s not an easy job, and I respect that.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Thanks I try. Of course, I have to be a responsible mom. I always have a lesson to teach. They just don¡¯t ¡°get¡± just to ¡°get¡±. So, they will be purchasing today.¡±

    The last thing I wanted was for her to think she had to vouch for her skills as a mother. All because Anya stayed with Jackson didn¡¯t make her a bad parent either. I wanted her to be both, a great mother and parent, and felt if she was honest with her kids, and showed them what she preached, that money didn¡¯t lead to happiness, she was a leader of parents and mothers, and not just a part of the herd. Her well-being was just as important as her kids. They looked up to her for leadership. Did Anya want them to have the same kind of marriage she did? One that led to infidelity instead of love? Did she plan to teach them that marriages were unrealistic anyway? Was that the purpose of the sacrifice I made in my life for her? I had to laugh at Anya because even though they made their own purchases, they likely got the money from her or Jackson¡ªthey weren¡¯t part of the labor force just yet. I still loved Anya¡¯s message to me, as her text intended to show me that she wouldn¡¯t buy their love, the way Jackson did. That although it seemed they always got what they wanted, they didn¡¯t, and to me, that was being a good parent and not just a good mother.

    ANYA: ¡°Muah! Nite nite!¡±

    For the second night in a row, Anya texted me goodnight, and it helped me settle my emotions as her text exhibited behavior I expected from someone who cared about me. Most importantly, although it was spring break for the kids, she texted me in a way I didn¡¯t feel played with my emotions. She didn¡¯t have to text me all day long. She just needed to be consistent with her communications, and not turn into the next Houdini. I knew some days she couldn¡¯t stay in touch as much as she liked, but as long as I felt the love and I knew why, I was comfortable with her silence.

    The next afternoon, as morning passed in silence, the Anya who understood my sorrow, made a triumphant return.

    ANYA: ¡°I love you.¡±

    ME: ¡°I love you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I love you forever.¡±

    ME: ¡°I love you forever!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°So tomorrow or not a good idea?¡±

    Since her kids were on vacation, I assumed she never planned to meet me on the seventeenth, especially after I broke down on her again. I figured at that point, she wouldn¡¯t even dare to mention it, but when she did, I found authenticity in her ¡°I miss you more than you know¡± texts from the other day.

    ME: ¡°I¡¯d love to see you tomorrow. I didn¡¯t want to mention anything b/c of the kids. I wouldn¡¯t want to take any time away from your time with them. Are you sure you want to? I¡¯d love to see you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯d love to but I worry about you. After early part of this week, I wasn¡¯t sure. I can take a quick break from the kids.¡±

    ME: ¡°Thank you, Sweetheart.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°You don¡¯t have to thank me. I want to see you. I just don¡¯t want you to hurt afterwards. Of course, I hurt too but I have the kids and it¡¯s easier cuz busy with them.¡±

    When she acknowledged this fact, I was so deeply touched by her empathy a tear shot down my face. Once again, I felt this enormous guilt for letting my negative thoughts run amok. It broke my heart for her and this was all I needed from her at times; a show of what I meant to her¡ªthat I had a real purpose in her life. Her text didn¡¯t tell me she missed me, it showed me she missed me even if she couldn¡¯t make it tomorrow. I didn¡¯t want to ever tell her my missing her was not the same, because I didn¡¯t want her to feel bad about it, but only aware of it. I needed to know she wasn¡¯t like her husband, a person void of empathy. Her love was thoughtful enough to consider my side of the fence, and even after I left her unsettled, she understood how her silence could leave me to feel. If I didn¡¯t love her, I wouldn¡¯t have cared to ever hear from her, but she was my ecosystem now, and I needed her light to help me through the darkness. There were times I wish I had kids of my own just so I¡¯d feel less inclined to give her any grief, and be able to relate better. I felt bad for Anya in that sense, but if we ended up together, it would benefit her more as I could focus on Katie and Andrew and not kids of my own. Unfortunately, the things in my life didn¡¯t keep me engaged enough to keep my mind off her. I was happy she had Katie and Andrew to help her with the emotions because I wouldn¡¯t have wished this longing on my worst enemy, let alone my best friend. This love Anya gave me was akin to winning the biggest lottery jackpot in history and not having to share it with anyone, but the barriers of our relationship, also made it feel like I had both my arms and legs amputated. I had no doubt if she didn¡¯t have her kids, she would know exactly how crazy this missing truly felt, and how it could get the mind going in places you didn¡¯t want it to ever go. I didn¡¯t mean to hurt her when I told her she didn¡¯t miss me, but the schism between our feelings of missing were wide enough to feel like she didn¡¯t miss me at all as her silence helped increase the gap, and it scared me. I didn¡¯t want to be caught off guard and told ¡°I love you¡± when she decided to patch things up with Jackson after all we¡¯ve shared. I also didn¡¯t know what Jackson was capable of emotionally. I didn¡¯t think he¡¯d personally kill me, but he definitely had the money to hire someone to take care of business if he felt threatened. The stakes were now higher than ever as lives, reputations and careers were on the line. If Anya planned to veer off road. I deserved to know, and not be left to figure it out on my own. Consistent communication weathered the storms I encountered within whether she missed me or not, and thankfully it seemed she understood.

    ME: ¡°I¡¯d hurt more if I didn¡¯t see you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ok. Can¡¯t wait!¡±

    When I read her ¡°can¡¯t wait!¡±, it felt like I just learned there really was life after death, relieved to know she missed me as much as I missed her. Later that evening, my first night back home on a regular, non-busy season work schedule, I texted Anya to see what she was up to.

    ANYA: ¡°Hanging w/Andrew and making dinner. Have to pick up Katie from a party later and have 5 girls spending the night. You?¡±

    ME: ¡°Oh nothing. I¡¯m just staying home tonight, but now living vicariously through Andrew.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ha!¡±

    I didn¡¯t hear back from Anya that evening but I knew she was busy as she had her hands full with all the kids at her house. It felt so much better to know I¡¯d see her the next day as I got the best night of sleep since her last visit weeks ago. Back in tune with her, I tried to finish ¡°Breaking Dawn¡±, the last book in the ¡°Twilight¡± series. I even decided to take the day off to make sure my apartment was clean and in proper shape for her visit. I looked at my journal and noticed her last visit was exactly two weeks ago on April the third, and this visit would be her forty second time to my place and the eighty second time we¡¯ve seen each other overall. I then took a Vicodin; in case she spoke of anything that might illicit negative emotions within me. I hoped this visit would be positive, but after my breakdown a few days prior, I was unsure if she had the same thing in mind. If she didn¡¯t want to walk on eggshells anymore, I feared she might say something that would get me to think. After forty-two visits to my apartment, any perceived allegiance to her marriage could steer me over the edge of Niagara Falls. If she¡¯s has been walking on eggshells, what things were I not made aware of? Before Anya arrived however, I truly believed this would be a positive visit, as she texted me in the morning.

    ANYA: ¡°Good morning!¡±

    ME: ¡°Good morning! Excited to see you!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Me too! See you soon!¡±

    I tried not to analyze, or read into, Anya¡¯s short morning text on a day we were to see each other, but I just didn¡¯t sense the same excitement from the prior day. It even got a little stranger when she texted me an hour before she was due to arrive.

    ANYA: ¡°OMG! I¡¯m still at the Dr¡¯s office! I¡¯ll rush them!¡±

    Her text made no sense to me. How could she let five friends spend the night when the kids had doctor appointments in the morning? Did she just boot them all out of the house at nine in the morning? Notwithstanding Anya never told me her kids had doctor appointments when she asked if a visit was still a good idea. She always told me of things that could cause her to run late or why she had to meet at a certain time. Although something seemed out of place, I played as if all systems were normal.

    ME: ¡°Babe. I had no idea they had doctor appointments today. Please take your time. If you have to cancel I¡¯d understand.¡±

    Fifteen minutes later, she sent me another text.

    ANYA: ¡°Ok so just got home. Will leave in 2 min!¡±

    ME: ¡°Take your time babe. Please be careful. I¡¯m not going anywhere.¡±

    It surprised me when she said she would leave in two minutes as I feared she planned to cancel. It would have devastated me if she cancelled because I had my heart so set in her visit now, and I missed her terribly. At the same time, I didn¡¯t want her to leave her kids just to see me. For all I knew, she could have struggled to find a nanny, and if she told me that, I¡¯d have another reason for her to leave Jackson. Everything seemed possible but improbable because I knew her well enough now to know the difference.

    About a half hour later as I stood by the gate, I received the text I always loved to see as I watched her car pull into the parking lot area.

    ANYA: ¡°Here¡±

    Everything seemed on par for the course when she snatched my hand in hers as she entered past the gate. Although overcast and drab, her smile and laughter made the sun¡¯s presence irrelevant when she showed me the necklace I gave her, gracing her immaculate neck line. After we entered my apartment, she came into my arms and our lips found each other as they seemed to resolve any unsettled feelings that remained. Five minutes later, we found ourselves in the company of candlelight and soft music as our skin melted into each other to form a single person. After an hour passed, she lied apart from me on her side of my bed, an oddity I found hard to ignore when the opiate¡¯s euphoric high I thought I needed was replaced by her affection for me. Without a Vicodin to dull them, and without her in my arms, I sensed negative emotions from the early part of the week begin to creep back in.

    ¡°I put my phone at the bottom of my purse after we talked on Monday.¡± she informed me. ¡°I¡¯m sorry but I needed some time to think.¡±

    ¡°You don¡¯t owe me an apology, babe.¡± I said. ¡°That was my fault.¡±

    ¡°My son is afraid I¡¯m going to leave.¡± She said.

    ¡°What gave him that impression?¡± I asked shocked he knew something wasn¡¯t right. ¡°The night you didn¡¯t show to his game?¡±

    ¡°Yes.¡± She said. ¡°He asked me to promise him that I never will.¡±

    At the time I was upset that Anya didn¡¯t ask Jackson for a separation when she felt discomfort, even fifteen years later, when she couldn¡¯t see her son play baseball because of his ex-mistress at the game. Now I felt ashamed by it; that it was because her son, who had grown dependent on his mother to be at his games, got to her about the issue first. All I could do was hope Anya, would do the right thing, but if she lived in a world of fantasy, I could only fear the worst.

    ¡°Okay.¡± I said as I tried to breathe. ¡°Did you?¡±

    ¡°I did.¡± She said as her eyes failed to meet mine.

    ¡°I see.¡±

    I could see how Jackson was mostly absent in their lives, and how much Andrew in particular, was dependent on her. Her promise was very sweet, but again, another example of how she left me to feel non-existent in her life. While she lived in a world of fantasy and luxury as I lived in a world of reality and need. As if my love, sacrifice and pain couldn¡¯t possibly have been real. If she promised Andrew she would never leave, what stopped her from patching things up with Jackson, if she hadn¡¯t already? The realistic scenario was clear; what monster wouldn¡¯t agree to let her go now? Her love left me now to feel if I didn¡¯t agree, that I didn¡¯t care for her, or for Andrew and only myself. This was the perfect excuse, to tell me it was Andrew who asked her to stay, and not Jackson. If Andrew, at eleven years old, sensed she might leave, didn¡¯t she realize her kids were aware she lied to them? If she truly loved me, why would she continue to do so? Wouldn¡¯t her dishonesty be more of a reason to come clean to Andrew? She could¡¯ve pointed to the inequities in the marriage, and not the infidelities. This was the only part of Anya I found wrong, how she wanted to be a friend more than a parent. If Anya and I never experienced a thing together, but I knew she did with another man in the same manner we did, I would also disagree with her decision to fulfill Andrew¡¯s desire to never leave. The only way I¡¯d be behind it, is if our relationship lasted for a short duration, but we were talking sixteen months of virtually unrestrained love. She led me all this way for just a feeling? She led me all this way to treat me as if we never shared all we did? I didn¡¯t know what to say. I didn¡¯t want to hurt her feelings. I didn¡¯t know what to trust as I didn¡¯t want to question her intentions. I didn¡¯t know how to react as she then continued to reinforce the reason for her promise to him.

    ¡°They feel safe where they¡¯re at.¡± She said.

    I didn¡¯t buy it. How could after sixteen months? After we just showed our settled affection for each other? What made her think they¡¯d leave home if Jackson planned to give the house to her if she divorced him? All I could do was nod because what else could I do? If I accused her or said anything in my head, it would only be viewed upon as pressure. After we just had a beautiful time together, she put me at a great emotional disadvantage, a spot I never anticipated to be in. I fought not to read too much into it, as I remembered a visit when she told Andrew the same thing; the night she left the house to sit inside her car when no one helped her clean up after dinner. Anya told me the other day that the kids didn¡¯t ¡°get¡± just to ¡°get¡±, but it seemed they always got what they wanted, and if they didn¡¯t, they eventually did. Why did she believe they would be less safe with me? Maybe there were things I didn¡¯t understand but was too emotional to ask, and I didn¡¯t want to burden her more than she was already. I was prepared for her mixed feelings because I knew they were on vacation and in her company. How many times did she try to leave but ended up unable to? All she did was deny here true feelings. She loved me with zero restraint. I could have gotten her pregnant if I wanted to. Anya used to ask me why I held back which implied she wouldn¡¯t stop me. I only disagreed because I knew the truth about our relationship. All that was ever said and all that was ever shared. She could lie to everyone else around her, but she could never lie to me, and it¡¯s why I fought for her. I knew one thing was absolutely true, her kids and her husband, her family, didn¡¯t want the best for her, but the best for themselves. Although I respected her kids, I knew I wasn¡¯t an unsafe option, so I fought against it because I truly wanted the best for her. I was even asked if I would fight for her, and now I knew it was for times like this, and that¡¯s what I planned to do.

    When I could not find any words to say, Anya told me she had to get back to her kids and I agreed as she sucked the life out of me with what she told me out of the blue. I didn¡¯t say a word to her as we walked to the point of her entry as I tried to smile through the promise she made to her son. I couldn¡¯t hate her for it. I know she loved her kids and I didn¡¯t want to discourage that, but she should¡¯ve never allowed me to feel so much, not even for a day. Her kids existed in her life during the time before we reconnected and she dated Lance. She just couldn¡¯t do this to people, but I remained hopeful as we¡¯ve been down this road a few times before.

    ¡°You know babe. Just because you get a divorce, doesn¡¯t mean you¡¯re leaving your kids behind.¡± I said as we reached the gate. ¡®Maybe you could explain that to Andrew and it won¡¯t scare him.¡±

    ¡°I know I¡¯m not leaving them.¡± She said. ¡°It¡¯s the sharing part.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re worried about the sharing part, babe?¡± I laughed. ¡°You¡¯ll win custody and probably have the kids every other weekend.¡±

    ¡°But I don¡¯t want to leave them even fifty percent of the time.¡± She said.

    Like a dead fish, every hope, wish and dream I held for us, floated lifelessly. I nodded and kissed her goodbye, told her I loved her, thanked her for her visit and watched her as she drove away. Before I began the lonely walk back to my apartment, I dug my hands deep into my pockets and looked up into a semi-overcast dark sky, and at a setting sun that provided the same amount of warmth as the moon. As I walked back to my holding cell, I kicked a pebble who seemed to have more significance in life than I did. I then descended back to a world I used to feel I never had a chance in, as the woman who told me ¡°I have been honest with you from the beginning¡±, now told me she didn¡¯t want to lose fifty percent of her kids, after she took a hundred percent of my life. Anya loved me so much, she waited until after I couldn¡¯t live without her, to tell me she could.

    If Anya didn¡¯t want to lose fifty percent of her kids, then I wouldn¡¯t want her to, but it made me feel her mind was made up about us, long before Katie¡¯s letter. In fact, long before we even started to see each other. This is what she told Lance as well, and why he felt there was a tragic ending to their relationship¡ªvery strong words for a relationship she said was nothing close to ours. I felt betrayed by her as I felt she knew this for a long time. I felt set-up, as she loved me to control me, to use my own love for her as a weapon against her. So, if I didn¡¯t agree with her decision, she could question my love for her whenever I questioned hers. I felt bamboozled, something I should¡¯ve realized when she couldn¡¯t tell her son the truth; that even if she left their dad, she wouldn¡¯t be leaving him. This was the trouble I found with Anya¡¯s parenting, it was not only dishonest, but it also feigned nobility. When she made a promise to Andrew, it proved to me my greatest fear; she possessed the ability to make promises to the people she loved and didn¡¯t want to hurt. It showed if she couldn¡¯t make me a promise, what other proof did I need to know where I stood? It also showed she felt ¡®tremendous guilt¡± for her kids, not for me as if deserved this fate of pain; as if she told me everything from day one.

    On the other hand, it was now perfectly clear that she hid things from me¡ªI knew this desire to not lose fifty percent of her kids existed long before I ever did. Now, Lance and I were both in the same boat set adrift, as it seemed the men who cared were only selected to pay the price for Jackson¡¯s infidelities and abuse of her. I knew there was no way past this feeling as once again her words ¡°some things are better left unsaid¡± filled my mind enough to break me, enough to consider a drive to a marine green bridge. There was just no way I could defeat them by simply trying to live life. All I could do was reach for a Vicodin and fight to believe she would never do something like this to me¡ªto allow and encourage me to feel love for its own sake, and to take sixteen months of my life for nothing.

    ME: ¡°Did you make it home ok?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Just dropped them off at the beach! Thank u for taking time off today! It was nice to see u! I love u!¡±

    ME: ¡°It was nice to see u too. I love u too.¡±

    After the way her visit ended, I reflected upon the right choice I made to take the entire day off from work as I never felt more discouraged in my life. Why did she have to visit just to hit me with this while we we¡¯re in bed together? She didn¡¯t want to lose fifty percent of her kids but she wanted to know all my sexual fantasies and make them come true? How could she do this to the man she claimed to love? I just wanted to disappear from the human race after what she told me. If this is what life had in store for me then what was my purpose here? Did she think I wanted her to lose fifty percent of her kids if she was never willing to? Now if I disagreed, she would look upon me as not ever truly loving her? How could she love me on this level and not be willing to at least lose fifty percent of her kids? She told me she didn¡¯t know, yet she knew she didn¡¯t want to lose fifty percent of her kids? If she didn¡¯t want to lose fifty percent of her kids in a divorce, then she never planned to get a divorce, and only planned to use me to fill the void in her marriage. I felt violated by what she told me after I sacrificed and endured so much. After I knew I¡¯d never be the same person again, and would never again trust someone who loved me as much as I loved her.

    As I laid down in my bed, I could not get my mind off the thoughtlessness and selfish nature of her words as if I never meant a thing to her. How she turned her love from, me versus a horrible marriage, into me versus her kids. The same kids whose lives she shared with me that allowed me to fall in love with them too. I didn¡¯t know how I would find the strength to ever text her again as it felt she had just told me ¡°I don¡¯t love you anymore¡±. In essence, that¡¯s exactly what she told me. It was easier to tell me ¡°I don¡¯t want to lose fifty percent of my kids¡± than to tell me ¡°I still love my husband¡± or ¡°Money matters to me¡± or ¡°and as long as he provides for my kids, he could cheat all he wanted to because marriages were unrealistic anyway¡±. If she believed she learned, felt and grew from our love, I now knew that wasn¡¯t true.

    As I sat in my bed, among candles that still burned, she texted me.

    ANYA: ¡°U ok?¡±

    As upset as I was, her text gave me some room to breathe as I remembered Anya¡¯s empathy and this text seemed like an admission that what she did was pretty fucked up. As the Vicodin kicked in, it allowed me to remember all the times she¡¯d hit me with something heavy to only come back to her senses. I didn¡¯t want to believe Anya was capable of such a violation of someone¡¯s trust in them. Yes, she didn¡¯t know. Yes, I hung in there with that knowledge, but the love she showed me in San Diego only brought her closer to knowing. She came over and nothing held her back from loving me, not even the fact she didn¡¯t want to lose fifty percent of the time spent with her kids. What parent would want to lose fifty percent of her kids anyway? As upset as I was with her, and how unfair it was what she told me, I wasn¡¯t ready to give up that easily, not after sixteen months.

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m ok. I love you and miss you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ok I¡¯m glad you¡¯re ok! I miss you and love you too!

    ME: ¡°Very sweet of you to wear your thingie!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I love my thingie and I love u!¡±

    I found it funny she worried about me being ¡®ok¡¯, but had no problem in communicating what she did, words that could only devastate me. She allowed me to fight for her upon her request, something I poured my heart and soul into for sixteen months only for her to pull a bait and switch? Now, if I fought for her, I would be fighting for her to have her kids only fifty percent of the time? How did she lead me to believe I fought her for her happiness to only end up fighting for her unhappiness? I had to face some hard facts. As much as she told me she loved me. As much a she told me she missed me. She only loved and missed me as long as I remained a secret¡ªas long as she could stay in her marriage. As long as we had each other clandestinely, she loved me forever. In any other form though, especially one that threatened her marriage, she did not love me nor did she miss me. If she didn¡¯t have Jackson, she had her kids, her friends and her family¡ªall the things he afforded her in life to have. I was only in her life for the reason I told her I would never accept if we pursued a relationship¡ªto fill a void in her marriage; a truth too painful to accept. The very thing I warned her about in the beginning, she disregarded completely as whatever Anya wanted, Anya received. As if no man could ever resist her¡ªan ego that pulled me straight into her web of lies. She even got this one to fight for her for sixteen months. I just wasn¡¯t ready to accept Anya could do this to me. That she would never violate me as a person in this way. Not the man who loved and cared for her. Who even told his mother, who was battling Cancer, about her. There had to be an explanation for this, somewhere.

    She then sent me a few texts to help ease the turmoil within.

    ANYA: ¡°Muah!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I miss u.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Goodnight babe!¡±

    I stayed cordial as I tried to believe she could never possess a reason to hurt me like this. I couldn¡¯t allow her to make a huge mistake; one I knew she would regret. I surmised with her kids at home on vacation, she caved in as her texts showed me it wasn¡¯t the way she truly felt. If she knew she was right, she would¡¯ve never had a reason to care enough to text me. I stayed up that evening and as I searched the internet for anything that would help me with the way I felt, I found this article written by a woman who left her marriage and the reasons why she felt she did the right thing. It was titled ¡°Should You Stay for The Sake of The Kids¡±? Her story opened my eyes as her oldest child came back from school crying that her best friend¡¯s parents were getting divorced. She told her oldest child at the time that it would never happen to her family. She said when she looked back, it was the worst thing she could have told her, not because she lied to her, but because when they did get divorced, it did more harm than good. Her husband was cheating on her and she decided to not get divorced, even allowing her husband to have a girlfriend, rather than tearing down all they built. She tried to fight the divorce and the other woman, for the sake of the children, but in the end realized her children were not benefiting from trying to keep the family together. It made all the sense in the world as her reasons for leaving validated all the reasons I gave Anya to leave, and why I couldn¡¯t allow her to make that mistake. That when you stay in a marriage that lacks love and trust, you teach your children that is ok for them too. For the sake of others, it is okay to not be loved and something we¡¯re supposed to do. Did Anya want to teach Andrew and Katie that their needs come last? She taught Andrew and Katie that all marriages are this way, loveless, and you¡¯re not worth being loved within it. That marriage is a commitment to misery and not joy. To stay for the sake of the kids, in order for them to feel safe and to protect them, is a lie and only provided a temporary benefit; a false sense of security because there was no way to hide from the truth, and it will affect them emotionally down the road. By staying with Jackson, Anya was teaching her kids through the silent anger and dishonesty, was to live a life void of any acknowledgement of pain, as if they should disassociate themselves from normal emotions. That you didn¡¯t need love in life, it was unrealistic and a sign of strength to do with out it, when we were made to survive and thrive on it. All Katie and Andrew were learning at home was how to live life in sad silent desperation, with no affirmation of love or belonging. This would only affect the quality of their marriages, and even their relationships down the road. All that Anya hid from them, that she believed brought them security, only deprived them of much needed survival skills, like coping with the unfairness of life, and other basic problems. Anya didn¡¯t do it purposely, but she denied them the strength needed to exercise choices that could make their situations better as she taught them, this life she hates is as good as it gets, so strap yourself in for the long haul of a miserable life that is waiting for you too. The more Anya pulled the wool over the eyes of her kids, the more damage she potentially did to them. Not to mention, if Andrew worried she would leave, she only made matters worse by continuing to be dishonest with him. He was impressionable, had eyes to see and ears to hear, and he knew there was trouble in paradise otherwise, he would¡¯ve never feared it. He gave Anya a chance to come clean with him, to show she respected him, yet she chose not to protect him, but to control him. To even gaslight him into believing it was all his imagination. All she did was show her son, how out of touch with reality his mother was, and she set the stage for him to hold it against her one day when he was old enough to put the puzzle together. Anya would rather Andrew and Katie blame themselves rather than be honest with them about the abnormal marriage, and how could she even dare to do such a thing with a man in her life the way that I was? It was clear Anya wanted control, and manipulated their minds through dishonesty, a disciplinarian parent, but not a leader. Just another egotistical parent who aimed to please the herd while denying her children the chance at healthy, happy relationships. Anya could stay with Jackson, and prove to her kids that parents should stay together, but she missed the opportunity to teach them about mutual respect, love and honesty. She missed the opportunity to teach them if you¡¯ve made a terrible decision in life, you could always make a decision to correct it, and how could I allow that to happen when I loved her so much? With her promise to Andrew, one other thing was certain, she could never again accuse me of breaking her heart.

    Before I went to bed, and after she turned off her phone for the evening, I sent her some texts in an effort to relieve my tortured mind.

    ME: ¡°I was just thinking of you putting your phone at the bottom of your purse on Monday. Sometimes when we disagree, I leave my phone in the car and walk back into the office, but I¡¯d say about 30 minutes later, I¡¯m right back down at my car checking it to see if you texted me.¡±

    ME: ¡°It was really nice to talk about things today even though it made me sad. It¡¯s good for me to know b/c your husband blurs things. When you told me it was ¡°nice to hang out with the kids¡±, I felt like you were hanging out with someone else the other times you told me you were hanging out with the kids so I wondered ¡°Is she really or does she just tell me this to hide the ¡°things better left unsaid¡± from me?¡±.

    ME: ¡°It¡¯s important for you to share what you did with me today, and anything else you¡¯re feeling, so I can better understand what you¡¯re going through.¡±

    If she could stay after all we¡¯ve shared, then I felt a part of her still loved Jackson, and I wanted her to tell me that so I would have no choice but to fall out of love with her. I wanted her to rip my heart out of she had to, but I felt the things ¡°better left unsaid¡± should¡¯ve been said to avoid all I felt now, and learned the prior day.

    Anya texted me early that next morning.

    ANYA: ¡°Good morning! ¡°Things better left unsaid?¡± What does that mean?¡±

    I found it interesting Anya didn¡¯t remember her own words. Either that, or I put it in a context that confused her.

    ME: ¡°Good morning! It¡¯s what you¡¯ve told me before. Do you remember telling me that? It was a while ago.¡±

    I didn¡¯t want to bring up the day she told me this. The day after she confessed she still slept with Jackson.

    ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s what you want. Right?¡±

    All I ever wanted was the truth, especially before I fell for her as it would hurt a lot less than it would now. In the beginning, I told her I wanted to know the brutal truth, even if it hurt me. I wanted to know my true chances of her being with me. If she felt she had a right to shut down on me and not talk about the girl after the game, which she did, I had the right to know when we first met, she didn¡¯t want to lose fifty percent of her kids so I could avoid this heartbreak. So I could save my heart and mind from all this anguish and pain. So I could save my life! I had the right to know the truth, why all of a sudden, she didn¡¯t want to lose fifty percent of her kids, when she told me no men wanted to date her because she had baggage, and that was why she was still married. Not one time did I ever hear because I don¡¯t want to lose fifty percent of my kids. She couldn¡¯t bring someone into her life, wreck it recklessly, and change her mind on a whim unless she told me the truth that she still loved Jackson and it¡¯s why she still slept in the same bed. That this love was payback for all he put her through, because right now that¡¯s what it felt like!

    ME: ¡°All I want is to be with you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°You said you didn¡¯t want me to tell you details cuz hurts too much.¡±

    I couldn¡¯t recall I ever said this to her but I agreed with her as I couldn¡¯t deal with the details. She made the statement the other day that she must be easy and fun to hurt. If she slept with her husband, what the hell did she think she did to me each time she did? Did she only consider herself when it came to hurting someone? She didn¡¯t want to share any details because she knew she would feel pressure, and she preferred not to feel pressure rather than do the right thing when you loved someone. Every single day, she only proved to me she did the wrong thing. Over and over. She lied to her kids. Lied to her friends. Lied to her family. What made me think for a second, she wasn¡¯t lying to me? As much as I wanted to defend her, her blatant disregard for my feelings, much like Jackson¡¯s for hers the day he cheated on her, just before she left my apartment was too cruel and vicious to ignore. Now that she fought back on ¡°things better left unsaid¡±, I wasn¡¯t sold this was about her kids at all, but something more. She allowed me to enter a den of lions at the symposium. She never talked about that woman at the games anymore. The gorgeous flowers she ¡°got¡± for her kitchen. It just all added up that she planned to work through her issues with Jackson, after she took my heart. I deserve the right to know what was going on, and after she told me she didn¡¯t want to lose fifty percent of her kids, she couldn¡¯t hurt me more than she had already did.

    ME: ¡°So¡­is that what¡¯s going on?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°No, but you told me u didn¡¯t want to know.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯ve been wondering what¡¯s going on at home to keep him thinking there is nothing going on between us? Why am I the one pressuring you, but he isn¡¯t? I worry about that.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°What do you mean?¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m under the impression, you¡¯re doing things for and with him to prove that you¡¯re not seeing me at all anymore. So, he doesn¡¯t pressure you, like giving yourself to him sexually.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m going to pretend you didn¡¯t say that. Ouch.¡±

    ME: ¡°Ouch? So, that¡¯s not happening? I¡¯m wrong?¡±

    I only mentioned it because I wanted to be so wrong¡ªas wrong as any human being could be about something. I hated to pressure her but if she lied to me, I needed to know the real reason why out of the blue she didn¡¯t want to lose her kids fifty percent of the time. When you loved someone as much as she claimed, pressure of any kind could never exist. You would want to be pulled in the direction of the one you loved. She not only sounded like a woman who didn¡¯t love me, but who also had no clue what love was. Her mind seemed to be made up, as she now tried to separate herself from me to save face, the same thing Denise did. Did she choose not to sleep with Jackson because she loved me and didn¡¯t want to hurt me? Or because in a marriage, having sex was hard with kids around and that¡¯s why no intimacy existed between them? I needed to know what she did to my heart so I could save my life. I couldn¡¯t continue to love someone who lied to me and who lived dishonestly as it seemed she treated me just like everyone else around her. My life seemed to weigh in the balance as I waited for her response.

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m not going there.¡±

    ME: ¡°So is it happening? You told me you¡¯ve been nothing but honest with me. I don¡¯t expect that to change now. I need to know. Yes or no?¡±

    In essence, I asked her ¡°do you love me?¡± as I waited for her honest answer, and I didn¡¯t know if I could handle the truth at all as my emotions held dominion over me. If she truly wanted me to quit her, here was her golden opportunity.

    ANYA: ¡°No way! I¡¯m not even talking to you about details! You¡¯re only going to get mad again!¡±

    ME: ¡°Honey, I don¡¯t want to know the details. After San Diego and all the other special times, we¡¯ve shared, are you still engaging in sex with him as if I didn¡¯t exist in your life? All you have to say is yes or no. You claimed to always be honest with me so this shouldn¡¯t be too hard.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°What do you expect?¡±

    ME: ¡°I would expect after all the love you¡¯ve shown me and all the hurt, he has shown you that it¡¯s a no. I would expect you¡¯d know the difference between a man who loves you and a man who doesn¡¯t. You claimed you never hurt me nor do you ever mean to. You tell me you love ME. You tell me I want to wear your ring. You tell me I don¡¯t know how bad you miss me. You tell me you hope, wish and dream everyday. You tell me you only love me, and not him. I would expect since your words are true, and you want me to trust in them, that you would never engage in sex with him, when you had me. And I would definitely expect you to know that if you willingly engaged in sex with him, that you¡¯re also willing to deceive me. I would hope you at least respect my heart enough to not hurt me like that, something I would never dream of doing to you because I love you.¡±

    Every second felt like an hour as I awaited her response, one that never came because she now knew I needed reality, not a fantasy. After sixteen months of the greatest love and heartache I¡¯ve ever known, and twenty-two months since the night our eyes first met, she could no longer pretend I didn¡¯t exist. The mixed feelings could no longer exists if she loved me. She had to show me more than words on a phone screen. If she loved me, she needed to slowly extricate herself from Jackson¡¯s pull. I had to understand, sometimes, she had to cave into him, but how would I know that¡¯s all it if she didn¡¯t change a thing about her sleeping arrangements? Couldn¡¯t she fall asleep on the couch a few nights during the week? Why was she so willing to give herself to him if she was so disenchanted with him? Did she initiate the intimacy between them or did he? I understood she didn¡¯t want to feel pressure around her kids, but she needed to make me feel safe, and engaging in the same lifestyle she had before we met, showed me nothing but heartache and pain. If I jumped into this with two feet without hesitation, I deserved every bit of this, but not when I walked away because she was married and was told I broke her heart. I trusted her with my entire life as much as she trusted me with hers. If she was going to disrespect my life by being dishonest, then how could I care about hers? When she was betrayed, she ran to the mistresses¡¯ husband without a second thought. She knew the power of emotions and how anger prevails upon the very thought of betrayal. How could she be this thoughtless? If she planned to jump in the sack with her husband, and pretend I didn¡¯t exist, the card she sent me was a lie. She couldn¡¯t be in my lane, and in build her marriage at the same time. All I wanted was the truth. It¡¯s all I ever wanted from her. If she respected my heart, it should be easy to give me but I was beginning to see, but not willing to fully accept, that this love existed on only her terms. In her silence, it seemed since day one, that she used me to feel love so she could keep her marriage intact.

    An hour later when she still hadn¡¯t responded, I spoke for her.

    ME: ¡°I guess I¡¯m just a fool then.¡±

    I texted it in hope her love for me would shine through. To tell me I couldn¡¯t have been more wrong about anything in my life. That she moved out of the bedroom months ago, or planned to thwart his every advance, since she would never allow him to kiss her passionately again anyway.

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m not going to continue this.¡±

    I didn¡¯t know what she meant by that. To not continue responding to my simple question or to not continue our relationship? Her response was the kind of spin a politician would give; An admission of guilt without admission.

    ME: ¡°It must be ¡°yes¡±, then. That¡¯s ok. Now I know the truth.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Stop.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯ll stop. I think I know what I need to do. I would like you to please consider something though, and to think long and hard about it because I don¡¯t think our love is what¡¯s irrational here.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°What?¡±

    ME: ¡°I want you to look at your kids today, and then take a step away from the present, and ask yourself if what¡¯s best for you right now is really what¡¯s best for them, too. If you care enough about their future well being to do so.¡±

    If Anya couldn¡¯t look at her life and honestly say, this is not what I want for my kids, then I knew there was nothing to stop her dishonesty, not even my love. She would only plan to betray me, the same way Jackson betrayed her.

 CHAPTER 2 ~ AS HEARTS BREAK

    ¡°Down I go¡­

    I just can¡¯t take it all alone.

    I really should be holding you¡­

    holding you,

    loving you, loving you.¡±

    ~

    ¡°Tragedy¡±

    by The Bee Gees

    ANYA: ¡°I hate today. Doing my best to get through it.¡±

    ME: ¡°Me too.¡±

    She visited me the other day to let me know she first promised her son, who didn¡¯t know the reasons for her threats to divorce, the reason for missing his baseball games, the reason two different men had been in her life, the reason for her stress and unhappiness, and the reason she would never leave his father. Then as a parting blow, told me she didn¡¯t want to share custody, even fifty percent, after I walked away from her sixteen months earlier to avoid the spot, I now found myself in. Anya felt she was entitled to my heart, could do whatever she wanted in life, and hurt others any time they didn¡¯t fall in line with her terms. She never told me that If I wanted to be with her, and if I truly loved her, I also had to support her marriage and the dishonesty to all those around her, including those half truths she made to me. Knowing all we¡¯ve shared and knowing all she did, I couldn¡¯t believe she could allow them go to bed blaming themselves for the problems in her marriage. With her only concern being the perfect image, she portrayed to those around her. She wasn¡¯t protecting her kids, she was protecting her perceived perfection. I had to be honest with myself, I felt she betrayed me. That she led me on and used me to serve the purpose of evening the score with a husband who wronged her because the ¡°love¡± she felt was just a bonus, a luxury but never a need. She even told me one time, ¡°I need love.¡±, but not one time did she say she needed me, only ¡°love¡±. I wanted her to have love again, but I never thought it would come at the price of my own happiness. If she believed mothers made sacrifices, then she lied to me from the very beginning of our relationship, and that broke my heart more than anything. She asked me to fight for her, because she knew she would put me through the ringer emotionally, just like she did to Lance, the man who thought the ending of their relationship was ¡°tragic¡±.

    As badly as she made me feel, I still tried to give her the benefit of the doubt. To try and understand she had to keep the golden goose happy for the sake of the kids. At the same time, I couldn¡¯t allow any woman who told me she loved me, who led me to trust her, sleep around with another man, even if it was her husband. She had always told me ¡°it¡¯s not a marriage¡±, so if that¡¯s true, I had every right to feel the way I did. Anya knew I was in her life because I despised infidelity, and I only agreed to this arrangement if she planned to do the right thing and leave if she loved me. I never would have agreed to this if I knew she wouldn¡¯t even try to know, and place my hopes on just wishes, hopes, and dreams. If she cared so much about her situation and all she faced, then she never should¡¯ve agreed to pursue a relationship with me. I tolerated the dishonest person on a temporary basis, but not when Jackson knew the truth. I now expected her dishonesty to change, to protect me and our love, not to abandon it when it turned into an honest relationship. The only way I could not pressure her is if she were honest. If she remained dishonest to everyone, how could I expect her to be honest with me? Even if she were to leave? Unfortunately, twenty-two months ago she met an honest person¡ªwith a plan to turn her into one. I arrived in her life by way of the universe¡¯s plan and with nothing less than all the love in the world for her.

    I truly cared about her well-being and I felt the kids could only benefit from the truth. How could it not strengthen their relationships with both their mother and father over time? It would also force Jackson to play a more active role in their lives; I shouldn¡¯t be the man to know Katie better than her own father. Jackson should be rushing home from the office to play catch with his son. Anya allowed me to share nearly every aspect of her children¡¯s lives for a reason, so much so, I dreamt about being their stepfather. I was placed in their lives as part of the universe¡¯s master plan. A situation founded on hopes, wishes and dreams to be reality. I was chosen to be their mother¡¯s hero by a power we all couldn¡¯t see, one much greater than all of us. Where there¡¯s a will, there¡¯s a way. If she wasn¡¯t willing to find a way, then nothing would stop her from breaking my heart more than she already did.

    I again sat on her question, ¡°do you sit there and think of ways to hurt me?¡± She actually engaged in an act that could only hurt me, yet accused me of ¡°sitting here¡± thinking of ways to hurt her. If she was still amorous enough to have sex with her husband, how could she claim to be numb? How could she do so without any feelings for him? How come women couldn¡¯t understand why guys couldn¡¯t be nice? Why they were dogs and jerks? My experiences seemed to teach me if they weren¡¯t jerks, they would get walked over by them. Even the one who loves me, would hurt me this way? Did I have to be an asshole just to earn their respect? This is what happened to ¡°the nicest¡± man she knows. It only gave her an excuse to shit all over my loyalty and empathetic heart. She wanted to bring me closer to her yet continue to sleep with her husband? It seemed she didn¡¯t have time to sit there and think of ways to hurt me because she was always doing something to hurt me. I¡¯m in this for real with a ton if feelings¡ªthere was no numbness here. I felt everything she did every second of the day. I didn¡¯t give her my heart and soul so she could continue living in a fantasy world. She represented my last shot at love and I had to go all in. She just had to be prepared for a life of truth, because I would settle for nothing less. True love was on the terms of two people¡ªnot only on the terms of one.

    I didn¡¯t talk with Anya for the rest of that day, as she opted to disappear into a false life instead. When the next day arrived, her silence left me in a bad emotional state of mind as I questioned her intentions to ever leave Jackson.

    ANYA: ¡°How r u?¡±

    ME: ¡°Ok. How r u?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ok¡±

    ME: ¡°Ok?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ok¡±

    ME: ¡°Why? You have everything you want. Your life is right side up. You got to feel love and not lose anything. You got everyone fooled. You should feel good.¡±

    I felt manipulated to feel great feelings for someone who only planned to play the ¡°kid card¡± from the very start. If she secured my love for her, it provided the perfect excuse to stay. The problem was though she chose to remain intimate with a man she led me to believe she despised enough to not even want to kiss. It not only told me that she not only stayed for the kids, but for him too, and after all the love I gave her¡ªI felt used and played for a fool.

    ANYA: ¡°You went too far. It wasn¡¯t enough you said what you said about my kids yesterday. Now this? Really Landyn?¡±

    ME: ¡°The problem is you met an honest man. I thought you hated dishonesty as much as I did. All I said about the kids was that Katie and Andrew needed to see two affectionate parents, not just one. They are going to think the kind of marriage you have is good enough for them too. Do you want Katie to feel any of the pain you do? She won¡¯t tell you if she meets a man who disrespects and dishonors her, either. She¡¯s going to protect him too. I just said I want you to think about it. That¡¯s all. I¡¯m sorry for the way it came out, but it isn¡¯t easy to communicate when you¡¯re hurting inside as much as I am.¡±

    After I read her text, I felt bad for the one I sent her. I wanted her to have a good life. I just didn¡¯t want mine to hurt so bad. She may have felt she lost her hopes, wishes, and dreams, but she took mine away with what she told me after she visited me. I just couldn¡¯t believe she hit me that after what we shared. How could she protect and defend a husband who led her to two other men? She claimed she wasn¡¯t looking the night we met, but she couldn¡¯t deny his infidelities didn¡¯t still led her to approach me and make a date with me. Although it sounded as if I fought for myself but I fought for her too. How could she continue to live a false life? How much longer could she continue to lie to herself? Would her mother honestly support her staying with a man who used her as a vehicle for personal wealth and gain? Sure, her kids gained from it too, but it brought me right back to what she led me to believe¡ªmoney did not lead to happiness. By staying with Jackson, the backward tradition of staying in god forsaken marriages that led to living false lives would only continue on with her children. Her kids may not understand why she left her husband today, but they would eventually come to understand it, and even benefit from it. An hour later, Anya responded to my text, with a series of her own.

    ANYA: ¡°You want details? I had dinner w/a new salesperson yesterday and all she talked about was how she spent a romantic month in Italy and Paris w/her bf.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°All I thought about the whole entire dinner was going to Europe and getting lost with you for a month. Made me so happy dreaming about us.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°After dinner I was depressed. I was so unsure of my life. I so want that with you. I can¡¯t sort anything out in my head when I get blows like this from you. Pressure!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°After your hurtful jab, I don¡¯t have anything to say to you right now.¡±

    Of course, when I read this, it broke me in pieces, especially when it made her so happy. I read her texts and started to dream with her. How badly I wanted to get lost with her for a month in Europe, as I fantasized about my proposal under a Paris landmark. I thought about how much fun it would be to wake up next to her in the morning, and have nothing but a full day of fun ahead of us, whether we left our hotel room or not. It didn¡¯t matter what I was with her, because the place I was with her was always the place I wanted to be. I then regretted my hurtful texts as she took them as jabs because it took away from her happy thoughts. A place I wanted her to be but the truth was, I also couldn¡¯t deny how I felt. It seemed Anya only wanted to live in a fluffy cloud world full of unicorns and rainbows. She only wanted to take the month-long trip to Europe in her head, and not with her hand in mine. All my love for her did was encourage more fantasies, but never reality. The reality was after sixteen months, I trusted that not only would she have this all sorted out in her head, but also a plan to in place to make it a reality. When she continued to live outside of reality, she not only hit me with a painful jab, but also a crushing left hook that knocked me completely off my feet. All I ever tried to do was just answer the bell, so she could consider the message she sent to her kids whenever she gave them everything they wanted to hear, even if they were lies.

    ME: ¡°As much as you don¡¯t want me to pressure you, babe, I don¡¯t want to pressure you. It¡¯s really hard for me to see you be dishonest or deceptive your kids b/c that¡¯s not the girl I fell in love with. I know it¡¯s not who you are. I¡¯m here because I know you¡¯re not like your husband. I know you¡¯re better than him because I know you have more character and integrity than he does.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Do you think I enjoy being dishonest with my kids? Do you think it¡¯s easy for me? ¡°Have everything I want¡±?

    ME: ¡°I don¡¯t think that at all. That¡¯s why I¡¯m asking you to think about the message you¡¯re sending them. It¡¯s why I think you should be honest with them because what if they find out you¡¯re not? What if?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Stop¡±

    How could you contain a brush fire with wind? It was the same way with my emotions. I always fought hard to state my case, and I usually didn¡¯t stop for anyone, but for Anya I had to. Regardless of how upset I was with her, I couldn¡¯t deny I loved her, and it¡¯s why this hurt so much. I had to stop because I wanted to be wrong in order to not pressure her any further.

    ANYA: ¡°Just know I love you and it¡¯s not easy.¡±

    ME: ¡°Ok.¡±

    Her ¡°you want details?¡± text was told through a dream but done with love. To let me know how she truly felt regardless of the promise she made to Andrew. I didn¡¯t want her to break her promise to Andrew, I just trusted her not to make such a promise with me in her life. After all we shared. I trusted her to be honest with him about us. About the love she found, if she wanted Katie and Andrew both to have it too someday. Was my love not worth fighting for? Was the goodness we found in eachother not worth believing in? Or did Anya see our love as a god awful thing? Anya couldn¡¯t control the love I had for her especially when I knew she still slept with her abusive husband. As strange as it sounded, what if maybe she still had sex with him for me? To keep him off my scent so she could continue to believe? Unfortunately, my heart wasn¡¯t built on a pillar of such high self-esteem for me to believe that.

    ANYA: ¡°Goodnight. Hope you¡¯re ok.¡±

    No matter how I felt, or how mad I was, after Anya and I argued, I always felt bad afterwards. I wanted to be okay for her, more than for myself. When she texted me, she also seemed to say ¡°I understand your frustration.¡±, and it only reminded me why I hung in there for so long without a promise.

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m ok. I hope you are too. Goodnight.¡±

    Although I was a the ¡°nicest man¡± in her eyes, if she had no respect for my heart and emotions, I could never take it as a compliment. She had to come to the realization that her marriage was no longer the same before she met me. That I never made myself available for her to fill a void or in support of her marriage for any reason. That I never came into her life to be dishonored or disrespected like she was by her husband, or to be demonized for wanting to be honest with her kids or looked upon as wanting to break up a family after she allowed me to feel so much for her. She had to remember I initially walked away for those very reasons, and unlike her children, I deserved the truth even if it hurts me. That I always expected her to be an honest person, and to no longer choose to live a false life for anyone¡¯s sake. That she understood true love was on the terms of both people in the relationship, and never just one the terms of one without their approval.

    At a late hour on the morning that followed, Anya texted me.

    ANYA: ¡°I miss you.¡±

    ME: ¡°I miss you, too.¡±

    Three hours later, as the clock neared three, she reached out again.

    ANYA: ¡°Was in Irvine office today. On my way home, I went to Wholefoods to feel close to you. I traced out path. It was a happy feeling. Got a coconut to drink ¨C native.¡±

    On a day new assignments rained down upon me at work, I appreciated Anya¡¯s text so much a tear streamlined down my face. I just loved that moment we met at Wholefoods. We found each other near the wine section as everything around me ceased to exist. I left the store that day thinking this has to work out, or my life is over because I missed her so much after she departed; like she had just taken a year off my life when she did.

    ME: ¡°That was such a fun day. I can still your smiling as we talked by the wine area. You just lit up the whole store. I¡¯ll never forget it. I love you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Just how I felt. Wanted to share with you. I love you.¡±

    Even if she never visited me again, how do I part with the beauty of a text like that too? If I never heard from her again, how could I possibly continue to live life without her? I didn¡¯t know how to perceive her text after she told me of her promise to Andrew other than one of continued hope we would be together one day. Otherwise, why would she ever text me such a thing?

    The next day however, her inconsistency reared its dreadful head once again, and threatened everything we ever shared together. The whole day, in and of itself, didn¡¯t start well when Clyde came into my office first thing that morning. He usually walked in my office, closed the door behind me with a smile or a grin, but this time I saw no teeth from him, as if he came in to admonish and revoke the partnership offer from me.

    ¡°Good morning, Landyn.¡± he said as he walked into my office and quickly closed the door.

    ¡°Good morning.¡± I said. ¡°How are you?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m well, Landyn. How are you?¡± he asked as he sat down on the chair in front of me and crossed his legs.

    ¡°I¡¯m good. We¡¯ve made it through another busy season.¡±

    ¡°How many busy seasons have you been with us for now?¡±

    ¡°This was my seventh.¡± I said. ¡°and the most challenging.¡±

    ¡°Ah¡­why was that?¡±

    ¡°All the new engagements I had on my plate along with implementing the new internal control standards this year.¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯m sure Jerry can attest to that in some way.¡±

    ¡°Oh yes, Jerry. Did he get what he needed from you? Are you guys ok now?¡±

    ¡°I think so. I apologized to him too. I got him what he needed and I already set up all the files we need for next year. It should help streamline the process and take the team less time for planning. He¡¯ll notice it next year and I¡¯m sure we won¡¯t have any of the same issues.¡±

    ¡°Landyn, we decided to push your promotion back one month until August first.¡± He shot.

    ¡°Sure. Ok.¡± I said as I tried to hide my disappointment.

    ¡°Until then, the non-disclosure agreement remains valid.¡± he said. ¡°As I am certain you have honored.¡±

    ¡°It sure hasn¡¯t been easy because of all the excitement I feel, but I¡¯ve certainly honored it.¡±

    ¡°Excellent.¡± He said.

    ¡°Can I ask why it¡¯s been pushed back a month?¡± I asked. ¡°I understand if you can¡¯t tell me.¡±

    ¡°It was an internal decision we made in the best interest of the firm.¡± He said tersely.

    ¡°Oh Ok. Thank you.¡± I said as I worried about its ambiguous nature.

    ¡°Thank you, Landyn.¡± He said as he walked out without even the courtesy of a handshake. ¡°Should I keep your door open?¡±

    ¡°Yes, please. Thanks for the info.¡± I said.

    Although disappointed, I reasoned my promotion was only pushed back a month. He didn¡¯t rescind the firm¡¯s promotion, and they were within their right to do that. He mentioned nothing about my poor performance this busy season so I had no reason to suspect anything was out of place. I was only bummed out because it tacked on an extra month before I could tell Anya about my promotion to partner. I hoped its announcement would help turn the tide and convince Anya to leave Jackson. If she went to Wholefoods just so she could feel close to me, I trusted she still believed in our love, I felt we still had a chance, but now I risked another month of mixed emotions that spurred pressure that might ruin it.

    Although the day didn¡¯t get off to the best of starts for me, I never feared it would continue down the path of disappointment, so I texted Anya to see how she was since I haven¡¯t heard from her.

    ME: ¡°Good morning beautiful! Still feeling bad about the other day. I hope you¡¯re doing ok.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Thx for that. The thing is you can¡¯t take back the hurtful words. Everytime you get mad at me and tell me things in a hurtful way you chip a little bit of me away.¡±

    My day was about to get even worse as her text caught me completely off guard. I couldn¡¯t take back the hurtful words? Why did she penalize me when the same thing be said about her hurtful actions everytime she slept with her husband? She knew that hurt me, yet she still did it as if my feelings didn¡¯t matter at all. If the roles were reversed, would she not question my love for her if I slept with my wife? To tell me I ¡°chip¡± a little bit of her away was void of all empathy. She told me after sixteen months of the greatest love I¡¯ve ever known, she didn¡¯t want to lose fifty percent of her kids and that she promised her son she would never leave as if I didn¡¯t exist in her life. Yet I chipped her away? To say that to me immediately after a show of affection, carried not only a humiliation but a violation on par with how a victim of rape must have felt. If I chipped any of her love away from me for standing up for sixteen months of my life I¡¯d never have back because I trusted her so much, her love was a manipulation to serve her best interest, and never mine. She told me she felt ¡°tremendous guilt¡± for the things she did to me, so how could she accuse me of hurting her when I said ¡°ouch¡± after she, in essence, shot me? Before I could respond to defend myself, she jabbed me again.

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m not out to get you. I didn¡¯t stay to see how much I can get out of you to make me feel good. I never tried to ¡°fool¡± anyone. I fell in love with you.¡±

    When I read her ¡°I fell in love with you¡±, it sounded like she phrased it in the past tense; that I had not only chipped her away, but completely away. If she never tried to ¡°fool¡± me, then she certainly misled me ¨C she never told me the real reason why she was still married. I honestly didn¡¯t believe she did these things; but that didn¡¯t mean it didn¡¯t feel that way. When I read these texts, I noticed Jackson in her for the first time as she seemed to return to the woman who would choose to marry a vile person for all the wrong reasons; the last thing I ever expected from her.

    Once she jabbed me once more, I now had to defend my thoughts.

    ME: ¡°I just can¡¯t believe after all we¡¯ve shared; you¡¯re still sleeping with him. You told me, in the beginning, you don¡¯t kiss the man and you had no feelings for him, yet you¡¯re engaging in the most intimate of acts with him? That¡¯s hard to understand. You don¡¯t think that hurts me and that¡¯s what prompts my texts? How would it make you feel if I was that contradictive? You¡¯ve loved me with your ¡°heart and soul¡± and it¡¯s beyond unfair you allowed me to feel that and then tell me you don¡¯t know or you don¡¯t want to lose fifty percent of your kids. Wouldn¡¯t that drive you a little crazy and make you say hurtful things? I don¡¯t want to say hurtful things but it¡¯s like trying to contain a brush fire without you giving me any water. I¡¯m not setting out here to hurt you. I¡¯m overwhelmed by emotions I¡¯ve never felt before. I trust you to help me with them.¡±

    It seemed the only reason she ¡°fell in love¡± was because I let her stay this long for the sake of the kids without much of an argument. Now it appeared I was the only one who truly loved. It¡¯s easy to feel betrayed in this situation, whether true or not, it gets you to consider things; thing that she could hide from me and seemed willing to. It seemed to me she felt people fell in love all the time for just the sake of it, and it would be abnormal if they were to feel jaded at all if things didn¡¯t work out. It was not better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all; not in this situation. That statement was reserved for people who loved as if it were an everyday occurrence; predicated on lust, not love. Anya was the only one I loved, and quite frankly the only one I wanted to ever love. If I lost her, especially over an issue of trust, how would I be able to trust anyone who said ¡°I love you¡± ever again?

    ANYA: ¡°I don¡¯t kiss him! I told u that! You knew my situation from the beginning! You told me you were a ¡°big boy¡±. If you don¡¯t want to know stop asking me!¡±

    Anya was the wife of a politician, as I saw what moved her to marry Jackson; to be held in reverence of others. I asked for ¡°brutal honesty¡± in the very beginning so I could make the best decision for both of us. The only thing I knew in the beginning was she was married, but not what she married into. She made it seem like she could leave if she fell in love, and never told me the truth why she was still there. Why wouldn¡¯t she tell me she was having sex with him from the very beginning if ¡°kissing¡± was such a big deal to make known to me? I knew the answer to that; she wanted me to fall for her. Again, she took my ¡°big boy¡± comment out of context. I meant it. I would be a ¡°big boy¡± if she didn¡¯t fall in love with me, but she did and she inspired me to put my heart and soul into her so she would because that¡¯s the only reason why she would leave. I made good on my side of the deal, and now I wanted her to make good on hers. I trusted her to never do anything that would hurt me if she claimed to love me. She knew what my motto was the first night we met. If someone cheats on you, they don¡¯t love you, now, she put my mettle to the ultimate test. She couldn¡¯t engage in sex with Jackson and love me at the same time, not after sixteen months. Not after where her lips were in San Diego. Letting me go now would not make this any better ¨C I couldn¡¯t turn my love off and on for her like a water faucet. All because her husband did it with ease, didn¡¯t mean I could, I actually loved her.

    ME: ¡°The pain I feel belongs with him, not me. I opened my heart to you thinking you wouldn¡¯t bring me closer if you couldn¡¯t be with me, or better yet, if you didn¡¯t want to share custody with him. I trusted you whether you could promise me anything or nothing. Actions speak louder than words, babe. I also assumed you were a ¡°big girl¡± when I said I would be a ¡°big boy¡±, as again, I promised to be if you didn¡¯t fall in love me, but you did.¡±

    When I texted these feelings to Anya, I thought she would meet me halfway. That those feelings of ¡°tremendous guilt¡± she claimed to feel about ruining my life would somehow shine through that sweet heart of hers, but I only received the furthest thing from empathy and understanding.

    ANYA: ¡°You know you are always the ¡°victim¡±! I need you to be a man and make a decision! If you hate it then tell me to fuck off!¡±

    The thing she asked me to do was easy to¡ªif I wasn¡¯t in love with her. I saw a lot of myself in Anya, and I would go as far to say she was the version of myself I strived to be. If I lost her, I lost more than just her, I lost myself too. I had to understand she was used to a man who truly only wanted one thing from her, that became two when he married her. Just take care of the kids, so I could pursue my dreams. I¡¯d bet my last dollar he never got behind a dream she ever had unless he had something to gain from it. I could never tell her to ¡°fuck off¡±. If I could, I would¡¯ve never texted her with my feelings. The thing that disturbed me about it was she had no plans to alter her relationship with Jackson. She basically told me to ¡°fuck off¡± in this text, but made it seem I was the bad guy. I felt like a ¡®victim¡± because I considered myself one. For the last fifteen years, she played the role of ¡°victim¡± because of Jackson¡¯s cheating ways, and she truly was. I don¡¯t think she intended to make me a ¡°victim¡±, but it happened. It was ironic that I chose to be in her life because she was a ¡°victim¡± but now I turned into one. For sixteen months I sided with her on virtually everything she did, but now I felt she misled me, and because of that, I felt like a victim to her marriage, just like Lance was. The only thing I hated was she still lived a lie. I hated how she lied to everyone, but the most hurtful thing was she even lied to herself. That she lied so much, she even believed them. The last thing she wanted me to be was a ¡°man¡± in this situation, because if I chose to be, this deep in the relationship after all we shared, I wouldn¡¯t be able to tiptoe quietly. I wanted to avoid it for her sake, but I would be a ¡°man¡± and confront Jackson. I refused to be silenced like all the others people before me who feared him. If I ever decided to respond to her question of my ¡°manhood¡±, and make a decision, I would tell her to ¡°fuck off¡± with the truth. I sacrificed my manhood every day, not being able to talk to him like any lover of hers should be able to. She told two men of his emotional abuse towards a woman, allowed and encouraged those men to fall deeply for her, and then tied their hands behind their back when it came time for them to defend her honor. If I made the decision to be a ¡°man¡±, there would be nothing left to lose other than to be the man and go for it all. To see what my love truly meant to her. To see if she would defend me, the man who honored her, or would she defend the man who dishonored her. I understood her struggle, but she shouldn¡¯t find it any easier to hurt someone simply because that person didn¡¯t know she hurt them. Her actions should be guided as if I knew, not as if I didn¡¯t, and if she loved me, she wouldn¡¯t show love to any other man, but me regardless of the circumstances.

    ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s always ¡°what about me?¡± I need you to be a strong man and deal with it. You know my situation and if you¡¯re willing to see where it goes then stay, and if not just go!¡±

    For sixteen months, I trusted everything she ever told me. Especially when she texted me ¡°I¡¯d rather die than never have you in my life¡± and ¡°Kids are resilient. Nothing is impossible¡±, ¡°I want to wear your ring¡±, and ¡°I wish I belong to you¡±. If I didn¡¯t put trust in her, I would¡¯ve told her to ¡°fuck off¡± a long time ago. Again, for the last fifteen years Anya lived with a man who she made kiss her ass for all the turmoil he put her through. A man who had to make amends to her, and for fifteen years, she felt she deserved that. It appeared she couldn¡¯t distinguish between a man who had to make amends and the one who didn¡¯t have to, as this relationship unlike her marriage, was now on the terms of two people, not one. Jackson could never turn to her and say ¡°what about me¡±? He no longer had a leg to stand on, but I did. I wasn¡¯t the one who damaged her, and now she had to adjust to the opposite role in our relationship; something she didn¡¯t thinks he had to. She treated me as if I had cheated on her while she was pregnant with her son, and Jackson, since he had to make up for his infidelities, as the ¡°man¡±. I never did her wrong, not one single time, but she did me wrong each time she slept with that sleezeball she chose to wed if she truly loved me; if what we shared meant anything to her.

    If our relationship ended on this note, I would take the truth with me, so she really had two choices if she forced my hand ¨C to stay where she was under an umbrella of truth or to be with me. That¡¯s what a man would do, but I didn¡¯t want to blow up the world. I wanted a diplomatic solution. I didn¡¯t want to give up on her, as cold as her texts were, the anger in her texts also told me she felt helpless. I didn¡¯t want to make this about me, but Anya didn¡¯t understand all that was at stake for me, only what was at stake for her. I couldn¡¯t tell her that not only was my career in jeopardy, but my whole life would be if I ever told her to ¡°fuck off¡±. I would have no choice but to hate her in order to purge the love in my heart for her if I had any chance at survival. Yes, I wasn¡¯t happy with how she discounted my situation, solely concerned with hers, but she basically asked a paraplegic to walk with her messages. I loved her so much, I tried to empathize with her. Maybe this was my fault? Maybe my low self-esteem punished her and she really was the true victim? I¡¯ve never been more confused and desperate.

    I tried to weigh everything before I responded. At the same time though, I had to dig a little deeper in the meaning behind her texts. It wasn¡¯t ¡°what about me¡±, it was always ¡°what about my situation?¡± and ¡°you know about my situation!¡± and ¡°My situation!¡± For the last fifteen years, Jackson had to make it about Anya as it was a marriage on her terms, but little did she know, she didn¡¯t want to lose that kind of arrangement. This anger she exhibited was her realization that with Landyn, the relationship wouldn¡¯t center around her, but also on both of us. I began to see how she feared to lose control, and through manipulation, she planned to continue the same kind of ¡°me¡± type relationship. After fifteen years of it being about her, she didn¡¯t want to lose that power. If I had any plans to save her, the truth would have to come Jackson¡¯s way because it would put their relationship, if she stayed, back on the terms of two people, and not center around her. If she lost that power, then she would have an incentive to leave. The problem was, if I confronted Jackson, she would never be with me, as it would not be looked upon as an act of love to fight in her honor, but an act of betrayal because of the grip she lost over him, and other men.

    Just like her marriage was for the last fifteen years, our relationship was centered on her, and if that changed, I¡¯d lose her and her love. For the last sixteen months, each day I lived without her as I trusted in a promise, I showed how I cared about her happiness more than my own. My reward in the end, because she still slept with her husband, was ¡°it¡¯s all about you.¡±. All those nights I suffered in bed, paralyzed, unable to move while she threw parties and attended them, even during the week, yet this relationship was ¡°all about me¡±. She at least knew I didn¡¯t do things to hurt her, I however couldn¡¯t say the same thing. By being in a relationship with me, in essence she told me, I don¡¯t care about my situation. So why was it my job to care especially when it has brought me nothing but heartache now? Why did she ever allow me to be in your life if her situation, with kids and those seventy five percent of friends she stood to lose, was so important? She knew about her situation the entire time yet chose to let me learn about it on the fly as I trusted she told me all there was to know. I wasn¡¯t going to give up because of the situation now. I existed in her life because of the unhappiness her situation gave her. If the situation puts her in this new situation with me, she should not be in the old situation anymore. Period. Her situation was the reason I came to be in her life. I came to change it for the better, not to leave it as is and untouched for another poor soul to stumble into it. I came in her life to get her out of the situation, even without me, especially now that it caused me this much pain.

    ME: ¡°How do you tell someone to ¡°fuck off¡± if you love them to death? My decision is the same decision I made almost seventeen months ago. To be with the one I love.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Then stop complaining! Wtf! I can only take so much!¡±

    ME: ¡°So I guess your love for me is conditional after all. At least it sounds like you don¡¯t want me to leave. I guess it¡¯s safe to say u get mad and hurt b/c u don¡¯t want me to go. R u done yelling at me?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I can only take so much.¡±

    Through her texts, I could feel she was exasperated and emotionally exhausted, and so was I. If I complained, then she felt she should let me go, and if I didn¡¯t complain, she would only continue to sleep with her husband. I tried to calm the storm, but I didn¡¯t feel love in her texts at all, but a love for herself. There was no understanding at all, but I guess she felt the same way after she told me she promised her son she wouldn¡¯t leave ¨C that I should have been understanding after what she shared with me. There was a huge difference in leaving her marriage and leaving her son, though. She had to understand her role in my complaints. They didn¡¯t fly out of the sky for no reason, they did when she didn¡¯t communicate with consistency. I shouldn¡¯t have to tell her at all, she should know better not to pretend I didn¡¯t exist whenever she had mixed feelings. I had to ignore my low sense of self and remember, each time we¡¯ve ¡°broken up¡±, she always came back because she struggled, and as much as I felt wronged at times by her love, I didn¡¯t want her to go through that because her kids would worry about her. I had to factor them in each time I struggled and I had to look at myself in that regards. If I couldn¡¯t handle it, I had to walk away. I felt at this point I let her down, and was no longer the man she needed me to be around her kids. I still wanted to try and make things right for her even when I felt wronged.

    ME: ¡°Ok I¡¯ll try and be a stronger man for you and stop whining. I don¡¯t hate it, just wish things were different. I¡¯ll put my trust in if you truly love me, you¡¯ll find a way to be with me. I want to make your dreams come true and if that has a chance to happen, I need to do my part. It¡¯s my dream too.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ok¡±

    I didn¡¯t know how to communicate to her how badly she torched me when she slept with her husband. A part of her prepared for this not to work out because of her kids, but I never had that luxury of disbelief. I trusted her love was true, and made a promise as if she did nothing to shake my trust. I received no promises to change her sleeping arrangements yet I made her a promise as if I did. I made promises I had the desire to keep, but not the strength to. If I broke this promise one and she let me back in, it would feel like I played a game with her. I never intended to not fulfill the promise but my emotions were dependent on her actions and inactions. As these low self-esteem issues crept in, I didn¡¯t know if I could keep my promise, but I had to fight through this. The day I could tell her of my promotion, is the day I could fight for her, but until then I had to be positive. I would much rather keep this between us, and not be inspired to be a ¡°man¡± and confront Jackson with the truth. I never wanted to blow up the world with truth, but my whole world stood on the verge of destruction, and the truth was all I had. After she allowed and encouraged me to be in her life, I didn¡¯t feel protected by her not even vouched for, the man she claimed to love; her soulmate. If her protection for me was to sleep with her husband, my life was over. It was that simple. I would never trust another woman who said ¡°I love you¡± again, and if I couldn¡¯t do that, what¡¯s the purpose of life anyway? Misery? People in love with themselves more than the ones they claim to love? People who chose money and image over goodness and character? I would be too disgusted with life if this love didn¡¯t work out. I would go off the rails in a train of mistrust.Enjoying this book? Seek out the original to ensure the author gets credit.

    ME: ¡°How are you holding up over there?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Keeping positive. Have kids open house tonight. Just wanted you to know.¡±

    In order for me to keep my emotions in check, I needed Anya to not have mixed feelings about us. She couldn¡¯t let me know she traced our path in Wholefoods on Monday, and then on Tuesday hit me with I couldn¡¯t take back my hurtful words. This seemed to present a microcosm of the whole relationship, love me one day like no other, then treat me like I didn¡¯t exist the next day. What about the hurtful things she did to me at home? When she went and partied at the houses of neighbors as if I didn¡¯t exist? How could she not know she paraded around as a proud married couple when she did? I felt if she loved me, and had any intentions to leave Jackson, she would not do such a thing? If she respected me, she would never do such a thing. How could she think showing me respect was by letting me go? I didn¡¯t want to pressure her or to give her any grief, but she also had to respect my heart. What I struggled with more than anything, is she seemed to be as twisted as Jackson at times. The only reason I agreed to be in her life because I trusted she was nothing like him.

    ME: ¡°Ok. I guess I¡¯ll say goodnight now.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I don¡¯t want u to analyze, criticize, judge and dream up things just b/c I can¡¯t contact u sometimes.¡±

    When I read her text, I could she how she wanted control. The same control she had for the last fifteen years of her marriage to her husband. Her text sounded like the same kind of thing she told Jackson when we first started to see each other, and maybe something he told her when she suspected he was cheating. I began to see how Anya seemed to be an expert at manipulation. She tried to even control things she had no control over, and this text only made me lose even more trust in her. This text was not from the Anya I fell in love with, but from the man she married who I could never side with. Her lack of empathy, her inability to see where I stood, and only saw where she stood, as she claimed it was ¡°all about me¡±, seemed not only loveless but even sinister.

    ME: ¡°I would only want you to text me if you truly want to. If it feels like a chore to you, then I¡¯d rather not hear from you. Sometimes I can¡¯t tell if it¡¯s done out of obligation or not.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Can¡¯t sometimes and don¡¯t want sometimes b/c I can¡¯t handle the pressure! You won¡¯t hear from me if I feel pressure.¡±

    ME: ¡°So I won¡¯t hear from you even when you claim you want to be with me?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Victim?¡±

    When Anya talked of pressure, she meant stress. She was already under enough stress at home. If she felt stress, or sadness, or guilt, then she wouldn¡¯t respond. She didn¡¯t feel like I pressured her¡ªbut she felt bad about herself. What if it meant that? After fifteen years, she had to relinquish her victim role, and she couldn¡¯t face that I was now a victim to her form of love, she led me to believe was true. I wasn¡¯t arguing with her for the sake of it, she claimed this was true love and I planned to hold her to that. She knew from day one, I was nothing like the man she married, and I¡¯d be damned if she was going to treat me like him in any way. I even recalled the time she told me she felt like I was the one paying for her husband¡¯s mistakes so in essence, she even said I was a victim in this, and I had to remind her.

    ME: ¡°You¡¯ve told me before it seemed like I was paying for your husband¡¯s mistakes. That doesn¡¯t sound like a ¡°victim¡± to you in some way? Why are you giving me a hard time?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°¡± If it¡¯s a chore I¡¯d rather not hear from you.¡± You know how I feel about you. Why do you keep doing that? I don¡¯t get it.¡±

    I empathized with Anya on her last text as she was punished at times for what other women did to me in the past, even my relationship with my father. I didn¡¯t want her playing politics with my heart. She told me this was ¡°true love¡± and I planned to hold her to it. People could give me tough love and I had to take it, and I was sick of it. Sick of having my heart stomped on and discarded. If the woman who told me I was her true love would do that to me, the buck stopped right there. If she wanted to text me because she missed me. then text me, but I didn¡¯t want her to contact me if she felt guilty or out of fear, because then I¡¯d know she was doing something to hurt me behind my back.

    After she sent me these texts, I¡¯d never have the strength to initiate another text to her. If I never heard from her, she¡¯d never hear from me because if she feared pressure, then she would rather I not exist if her silence hurt me. There were two parts to me now; the part that wanted to be patient and the man she needed me to be, and that felt she betrayed me. If she couldn¡¯t find the strength to do the right thing and be with the man she gave these feelings to, then the one part of me we both didn¡¯t want, would be the only part of me left. She couldn¡¯t even give me a simple ¡®yes¡¯ or ¡®no¡¯ answer on Saturday. If she truly wanted me to tell her to ¡°fuck off¡±, why wouldn¡¯t she tell me?

    I despised and loathed her marriage and all it stood for; a false union kept together for the sake of money and friends that affected the lives of decent people it should¡¯ve never reached. Her marriage had to be godforsaken. It ended a previous engagement and hurt that man so badly it sent him to another state. It then went on to ruin another man¡¯s marriage. Years later, it hurt another man¡¯s life as its end was referred to as ¡°tragic¡±, and now it threatened to ruin my life as I got caught up in the vortex of Anya¡¯s heart and mind. All this pain her marriage brought to others, it left me to only wonder who else it infected over the last sixteen years. If there was anything else better left unsaid it should be the family name, which Katie stated in her ¡°essay¡±, her mom fought hard to protect¡ªan absolute lie. She even defended Jackson by keeping her closest friends completely in the dark about his gross transgressions so why did she tell Lance and myself if she didn¡¯t want something from us? The amazing thing about it all? She still had sex with her philandering husband and if I didn¡¯t like it when she hurt me by doing so, she would rather have me tell her to ¡°fuck off¡± than to stop. Yet, she wondered why I had the audacity to question her love for me? She told me he chipped her heart away so why would she still engage in sex with him for any reason if she had me? Because I restrained myself out of respect for her after our pregnancy scare? If Jackson had that much control she couldn¡¯t say no to his sexual advances, then why would she encourage and allow me to fall in love with her? If he had the final say and she was under his control, then why allow another man to feel so deeply for her? How was that not an act of betrayal and a false misrepresentation? It¡¯s almost like she gave me no choice but to confront Jackson by the way she handled things.

    If she truly betrayed me, I would turn both her and Jackson into honest people before I¡¯d allow their unholy union to affect someone else¡¯s life. It would be my social responsibility to make sure they didn¡¯t manipulate and lie their way into the hearts of others. It¡¯s crazy to think, I¡¯m the one who showed my love the most to her, went through tremendous amount of mental anguish, yet it would be another man, even the one who dishonored her, who she would choose in the end. How was that even possible? How could she love someone, someone out to save her, only to leave them in complete and utter ruin? I never agreed to be in her life to strengthen her marriage, and if she used me for that purpose, she would feel pressure from me beyond the word itself. The only way my love helped her to grow as a person is if she left, and I could live with that, even if she fell in love with another man, which she probably would because of the part of me that felt betrayed.

    Unable to reconcile these feelings, I went back and forth from compassion to disbelief. I¡¯d put the blame on myself then heaped it back on to her. I didn¡¯t like she felt I played the ¡°victim¡± card when I considered she told me she felt ¡°tremendous guilt¡± about what she had done to me. Yes, it took two to tango, but I walked away from her to avoid all of this, and if she stayed at this point, after everything, how could I not feel betrayed? I¡¯d feel not only used but humiliated once again. I would then feel the need to make it right for me even if I had to exercise the truth to defend myself. If she defended Jackson in any way, or for any reason, it would be the ultimate betrayal because she knew full well it was his abuse of her heart and mind that brought me into her life. To defend him in anyway would not only be a vicious act towards me but it would feel she had the right to steal my life from me. That she gave me a false sense of purpose for no reason other than to destroy my life.

    In the same breath, I never wanted to be completely bat shit crazy wrong about anything more in my life. I loved her dearly and would always look inwards first if I had to. I¡¯d even consider some help from a counselor to deal with all the emotions I felt, and even be willing to delve into my past. After her texts left me to consider things, I never dreamed were possible, I took even more Vicodin to help internalize my analyses so it never reached her. If she decided to get nasty with me, after all I gave of myself and took such a leap of faith to trust her only to suffer with these thoughts and loneliness, I couldn¡¯t be noble enough to not respond accordingly. If she refused to respect my situation, the one she put me in, then I couldn¡¯t respect hers as well.

    I¡¯ve had long weeks in my life made even longer by the busy season, but this week proved to be the longest for me as I hoped to make it through. I felt more confused than ever about all I felt. One second, I felt betrayed, and the next I felt responsible as Anya reflected her mixed feelings upon me. I tried to see things in her eyes, and prayed that I was wrong about everything, but because her love for me no longer felt the same, it was hard to do. For some reason, she felt my feelings should always remain the same, like Jackson¡¯s, but the longer this relationship continued, the more I fell and the more I needed her. I even began to feel she felt Jackson¡¯s love for her represented the norm, and mine wasn¡¯t; that she trusted his love more than mine and even passed that judgment knowing the situations were completely different. That she preferred being in an unfaithful marriage than be with me. I began to sense she felt that way when she told me I should be a ¡°man¡± and make a decision about us. It was like asking a man confined to a wheelchair, one she put him in, to get up and walk. She made it an impossible decision now¡ªI¡¯d be hurt just like someone confined to a wheelchair who tried to walk from it. I hated to admit this, but her love crippled me mentally, to the point I felt victimized by it, and even as I sat in my wheelchair, I had to find a way to believe in her love, so I had a chance to walk again. The entire rest of my life weighed in the balance now, and I had to find out why she took it from me.

    Anya texted me the next morning, a surprise.

    ANYA: ¡°Hope u had a good night.¡±

    ME: ¡°Hope u did too. Hope you have a good day.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°U have a good day too. I miss you and I love you.¡±

    ME: ¡°I miss you and I love you too.¡±

    This was the Anya I needed her to be if she wanted me to be a ¡°strong¡± man, and not the one who vanished on me without warning that led me to wonder if she did truly love me. Even the nature of her ¡°I miss you¡± and ¡°I love you¡± now seemed to serve a purpose; not one solely intended to make me feel loved and missed, but also meant to hold me off from questioning her. Her ¡°I love you¡± and ¡°I miss you¡± texts, after she told me she didn¡¯t want to lose fifty percent of her kids, lost their power as the good feelings they gave me were lost now. If she truly wanted me to leave, then all she had to do was tell me about all the things ¡°better left unsaid¡±. Tell me all the things she did, things she knew would hurt me if she wanted me to leave. If she wanted me to leave, why not be a ¡°woman¡± and text me to let me know she¡¯s going to have sex with her abuser before she goes to bed instead of wishing me a goodnight. Why not? Because it would be confirmation that she played a vicious game with my heart. If she truly wanted me to leave why not tell me the details of the sex with Jackson? The truth was, she didn¡¯t want me to go unless I left with the thought, she was the greatest woman on the planet, and she knew that would never happen if she did tell me what I sought¡­the truth. Or maybe she still hoped, wished and dreamed¡ªthat if she told me the things that would hurt me, we would die ingloriously.

    Later that morning, she texted me again.

    ANYA: ¡°Miss u.¡±

    It was texts like these that made me believe what I only truly wanted to believe; that I was wrong about the betrayed part of me.

    ME: ¡°Miss u too.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Maybe we can talk next week. I know you said you¡¯re off but idk if we should ¡°get together¡±. Maybe go somewhere or just sit in your living room and talk?¡±

    ME: ¡°Sure. I¡¯m open to that.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°K.¡±

    A relationship mostly over text, sixteen months in, was no longer conducive to building a bridge of trust, love and understanding. Heavy ideas and feelings got lost in translation now and really needed to be discussed in person. She could no longer hide behind her phone and then hit me with thoughts I never expected nor could she question my manhood based on my reactions to them. I appreciated the fact she wanted to come over and talk, but she should have asked me this before our last visit. I had no idea she planned to ¡°talk¡± after we ¡°got together¡±. The relationship had to always be on her terms, and never mine yet she got upset at me when I made it ¡°about me¡±. How could she take someone¡¯s heart, give someone so many feelings for her then suddenly decide she couldn¡¯t lose fifty percent of her kids? Or needed time to figure things out? To take my heart should have been just as decisive for her as the decision to stay. I just couldn¡¯t see this as an act of love for anyone but herself anymore. Then I considered her two kids¨Ctwo innocent parties caught in the crossfire, and that wasn¡¯t right either. Then I¡¯d visit Lance¡¯s website and see the word ¡°tragic¡± and get lost again about the right way to feel about what she did. She honestly left me unsure of if I should love her or hate her, when she had a history of leaving hearts in her wake before while she claimed each time that it was her heart they broke. It all felt too familiar when I thought of what she told me, after I walked away because she was married before we reconnected, ¡°you broke my heart.¡±. I know I¡¯d be advised by most people to leave just to find myself again. Not to fall in love with anyone else, but to see if I could recover any part of me that existed before I met her. I think that¡¯s what upset me more than anything though, was how her ¡°love¡± took away that part of me and I wasn¡¯t the same person before I met her. Because of all she went through with Jackson, when she told me this was ¡°true love¡±, I trusted she knew what true love was completely. Now, her interpretation of ¡°true love¡± was one a love on terms she could dictate and control, as she only truly loved herself. I didn¡¯t want to take that away from her after all she went through. She should love herself, it¡¯s imperative in being able to love someone else, but in my case, she didn¡¯t truly love me, and her form of true love was only one where she truly loved herself more than anyone. Anya was entitled to love as she pleased, I just felt she needed to be more aware of how her love affected the lives of others who trusted she knew what true love was supposed to mean. Not only did I believe I was misled, but I became aware of how she misrepresented her pain to me, just like she did to the other men before me. I then pondered reasons why Anya would even marry a man like Jackson let alone be drawn to him. I always trusted she was the ¡°victim¡±, but I began to sense he stood behind her the whole time with a wicked smile, laughing at me from the distance¡ªtwo narcissists who were part of one huge ego that set out to manipulate the good and kind hearted for their own gain for those things they lost in themselves.

    The next day Anya sent me a text that morning, as she started to do things she used to do, a consistency I appreciated in line with our sixteen months together that quieted my tortured mind.

    ANYA: ¡°Good morning. Hope u have a good day. Not working out today. Home today playing catch up.¡±

    ME: ¡°Good morning. Thanks, I hope u do too. I hope you can get caught up on things.¡±

    I wanted to be so wrong about the negativity I felt. I wanted her to show me enough love that I felt like the biggest jerk on the planet to consider her and Jackson, one and the same. My heart beat only for her, and I wanted to give her all the chances in the world and every benefit of the doubt possible. I wanted her to shut me up for good so I could commit my thoughts to more productive activities and not pressure her. I wanted her to prove me so wrong, I¡¯d never question her love again, and apologize to her for the rest of my life for it ever being a question in my mind at all. When she texted me like she used to, when she texted me no matter who was around or where she was. When she used to walk out of a party with friends so she could say ¡°hi¡± just to feel close to me. That was the Anya I needed to have again. The one who feared to lose me as much as I feared to lose her. Without that Anya, I turned to the part of me I didn¡¯t want to turn to nor ever wanted to create. The Anya I needed, then texted me later that same afternoon to let me know Katie was accepted to the magnet school program in the bad neighborhood, and she decided to go to there.

    ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s not going to be easy. Everybody I talk to just shake their heads when I say the program¡¯s name because it¡¯s so demanding. Scary.¡±

    ME: ¡°I think she¡¯s going to do great. I¡¯ve read her work and she¡¯s ahead of the curve. She has a really bright future. You¡¯re a huge part of her success too. I miss you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯ve missed you too. I¡¯m here.¡±

    The next day, a Friday, I heard from her just three times, but I expected it since the kids had a carnival at their school that evening. When she sent an uninitiated ¡°I miss u¡± text during the time she had to be at the carnival with them, it felt more like love than an obligation. As much pain as I was in, I couldn¡¯t stop loving her. I could cry my heart out and be angry, but at the end of the day, I still loved her more than life itself. The difference was in the love we were willing to accept. We both needed to feel love, but I needed the person I love, and not just the feeling. If the person didn¡¯t come with the feeling, I didn¡¯t want to feel anything. It¡¯s why I felt misled. Anya was right, I knew her situation from the beginning, but I had no idea, after she asked me if I would fight for her and fell in love with me, that she would fight me to stay with Jackson, and not to leave. I suspected she lived well and lived a life or relative comfort, but it seemed she felt entitled to ruin other people¡¯s lives. I was the second man in her life, and not the first; our relationship was no mistake. If any sacrifices were to be made for the kids, it should have been made after the first man, not the second; something else the part of me that felt betrayed tussled with.

    The next morning, she sent me a text to inform me of some future plans.

    ANYA: ¡°I might be going to Cabo in 2 weeks. A runner friend of mine has a time share and she decided not to go this year so offered it to our running group.¡±

    ME: ¡°Sounds like a lot of fun! Do you know when you¡¯re heading down?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Not sure yet. It¡¯s booked for a week but I think we¡¯re only going for 4 days.¡±

    ME: ¡°I think 4 days is enough time in Cabo.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Been there? I¡¯ve been once.¡±

    ME: ¡°I went there on a cruise but only spent a few hours there. I went with some friends and we docked at 9 a.m. so we didn¡¯t get to do much since we had to be back on the boat by noon. It¡¯s a fun place though. We made the most of it.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Party town.¡±

    ME: ¡°I was there 10 years ago. I¡¯m not much of a partier anymore.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yea not totally thrilled cuz not looking for a place to ¡°party¡±. The girls are excited to go so I¡¯d be the party pooper if I backed out. I¡¯ve hinted though.¡±

    ME: ¡°I know. I¡¯m more of a Splashes type of person now. I¡¯d rather hang out at Splashes than go to Cabo.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ha! Splashes! One of my favorite places!¡±

    I couldn¡¯t remember a tougher period of my life than the last six weeks had been. Katie¡¯s essay and Anya¡¯s letter. My mother¡¯s cancer. Two significant disagreements with Anya. All my doubts and heart aches, and I could count the number of times I¡¯ve seen Anya on one hand the last six weeks. My life seemed to fall apart, little by little and piece by piece, as I tried to keep myself together for her. After our morning conversation about her potential trip to Cabo, it left me to feel bittersweet. On one hand I was happy for her because she needed a break from the stress at home. On the other hand, I feared if she didn¡¯t stay in touch with me when she went to Cabo, which was really likely after our fallout, I¡¯d begin to pressure her again, and then further lose trust in her love for me. I believed Anya loved me, I just believed it wasn¡¯t the same kind of love I had for her. Especially when she told me I chipped her heart away because I wanted her love to be real. If she were to add up all the times she was away from her kids, times she spent with neighbors, friends, work events and trips, it came close to sharing fifty percent custody or close to. As again, I didn¡¯t know what to think about her love for me as she seemed to show that her love would never catch me, but instead only prop me up after I had enough strength to support myself. I felt she nearly left my heart for dead, and I feared it was only a matter of time before she would discard it completely. All I truly had was the hope she would come around to understand my situation as much as she wanted me to understand hers.

    Saturdays were the hardest days for me, and when I didn¡¯t hear from her for the rest of the day after our morning exchanges, it put me in a tailspin. Nights like this made me hate her marriage, and all similar marriages with a dishonest nature, and false sanctity. I wasn¡¯t a dishonest person, and I wanted it to end so it could never hurt another person, the way it hurt me on nights like this as I went to bed early to sleep it off, unable to move at a time I needed to.

    When I woke up the next morning, I texted Anya to see how her night went.

    ANYA: ¡°Good! Sunday morning stuff! Kids had friends spend the night. How r u?¡±

    ME: ¡°Do you have a busy day with the kids today?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yes but I have a jewelry party I have to go to after Sunday school. It¡¯s a fake jewelry party full of Jewish women eating and talking too much! I¡¯ll get sucked into buying big ugly costume jewelry that I¡¯ll never wear. Then u compliment the jewelry artist about how creative and amazing her work is. Ugh!¡±

    ME: ¡°Oh well, I¡¯m sure they will have some good food there!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°When do u want to get together to talk? Where? I can do either Wed or Thur.¡±

    When she asked me what day we could get together to talk, of the blue, it helped calm the storm within about her silence from the previous evening.

    ME: ¡°If you don¡¯t mind, I¡¯d like to meet at my place so we can have privacy. I can meet either day. Whatever works best for you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I don¡¯t want to hold you up if you go somewhere.¡±

    ME: ¡°You won¡¯t. Just hope you don¡¯t chew me out!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m not going to ¡°chew¡± you out.¡±

    ME: ¡°I know it¡¯s hard for you when I break down. You have your hands tied there and you have me bitching about things with your kids around. I know you¡¯re upset with me and I know you¡¯re frustrated as well. If I didn¡¯t love you, I would never try to see your side.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I know babe. I don¡¯t want to argue either.¡±

    As much as I struggled, I genuinely meant what I texted her. It broke my heart every time I broke down on her. She was the only person that could ease my pain, and I had to go to the source if I was wrong to feel it. It irritated me that if she didn¡¯t want to lose fifty percent of her kids, that she told me sixteen months later. That¡¯s my frustration because if I knew that from the very beginning, I would¡¯ve never allowed myself to fall in love. As much as I feared she wronged me, I loved her and came too far to give up. I tried to chalk it up as a moment in time she felt that way. She gave me a chance to talk to her and I think we really needed to get to the bottom of this. The craziest thing was I could be upset with her for twenty-four hours, so upset I wanted to confront her husband, and then one sweet thoughtful gesture and a second later I felt awful and back in love with her. It seemed I had no choice but to let her drive ride shotgun with the hope she took me to the place I wanted to go.

    Later that day, I decided to take a drive along the Palos Verdes coast to escape my dismal apartment. As my car moved swiftly along its newly paved roads, the surreal, blue sky and rugged green cliffs that held beautiful mansions, made me wish Anya¡¯s hand was in mine and seated to my right. As I drove straight into beauty¡¯s own heart, and made a pit stop at ¡°Our Beach¡±, I thought of all the things I wanted to say to her. To genuinely present to her how I felt, but with cognizance of her feelings too. I never wanted to hold onto bad thoughts of her, and wanted to get them out of my head so she wouldn¡¯t feel any pressure from me. I never wanted to argue with her and I appreciated the chance she gave me to clear the air with her.

    When I got home, I texted Anya to see how her day went.

    ANYA: ¡°My day was good. U did? Where did u go?¡±

    ME: ¡°Palos Verdes Cliffs. I stopped off for a minute at Abalone Cove to feel close to you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Awww I bet it was beautiful.¡±

    ME: ¡°Only as beautiful as it could be without you there.¡±

    It was nice to see an ¡°awww¡± again from her ¨C I couldn¡¯t remember the last time I did. Although this weekend I hardly heard from her, it still bled positive energy as we planned to meet during the week to have a heart to heart talk to rebuild our trust in each other. When the next morning came around, Anya texted me, and I could tell she was still unsettled, but in a way that made me feel bad for her.

    ANYA: ¡°Morning! Made it thru another nite! Seems like I¡¯m living day by day waiting for it to end so I can sleep it off. Just leaving to go run.¡±

    Her text message was hard for me to read, but something I needed to see. It broke my heart to know she denied such a part of herself that the ¡°good¡± part of anyone¡¯s morning went missing. It seemed she knew exactly how I felt about her promise to Andrew, as it hurt to have ¡°us¡± taken that away from her. How could I read this, someone who loved and cared for her so much, and not want her to ever live another day just so she could sleep it off? She was a mother and she mattered just as much as her kids did. How could she not feel this and realize how vital our love was to her psyche and well-being? I could never punish her if she hurt this much without me. This was the kind of text from her that made me feel like an absolute fool to doubt her love for me. This was why I couldn¡¯t give up on her. Not when she came clean like this. In fact, her text spoke louder than ¡°I love you forever¡± as she showed me how much I meant to her rather than said it. This is why I fought for her regardless of my doubt. I didn¡¯t want to have her struggle through another night. Her words reconnected me to her as it described how I lived my life every day without her love too now. Her text even laid to rest my fear, because if she did experience the ¡°things better left unsaid¡± with her husband, it surely didn¡¯t mean much to her, if she had to sleep off the day so it could end. I wanted more for her than this. I thought the truth would set her free more than it could hurt her, even though she claimed it would hurt her. I loved her so damn much that even if she tried to kill me, I¡¯d eventually come to understand her reasons. For all I knew, I deserved it. Love was life, and this was an example of what happened when it¡¯s lost. If there was a God, how could he not be on her side to have the love she needed?

    ME: ¡°Maybe we should go somewhere scenic and talk? To feel some positive energy around us.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°What would you like to do?¡±

    ME: ¡°Maybe we can take a walk and talk on the trails off the cliffs of Palos Verdes?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Do you think it might be too cold?¡±

    ME: ¡°I guess I should have pulled up the forecast before I mentioned anything. I just did and it¡¯s going to be fifty some odd degrees all week long! Yikes! Uh¡­scratch that! What day works best for you?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Can I let you know as soon as I know today? I¡¯m trying to work some stuff out with work and physical therapy and other small appointments.¡±

    ME: ¡°Sounds good!¡±

    I didn¡¯t expect to feel her heart today as I was ecstatic to feel connected to her again. I wanted her to have ¡°good¡± mornings every day, and not have to ever sleep a day away. If Anya was generally unhappy in her marriage, the kind of unhappiness that occurred over time, I would¡¯ve never chosen to be a part of her life. Her unhappiness was great and different from the general kind, enough to give air to a disease like cancer, and I couldn¡¯t stand idle and just watch my love, my life, lose her hope, wish and dream. I had to challenge her to leave Jackson more than ever, without the pressure she feared from me. If what she texted me was true, then there¡¯s no chance pressure from me could exist. I could no longer watch her choose a false and dishonest life because I saw the toll it took on her. Before she met me, she could live that way, but now, we both were in the same boat, and once you know this kind of love, you¡¯ll never be the same way again. I didn¡¯t get involved to have my own heart sacrificed, let alone hers too, but if it had to be, she would have to live an honest life. I would not allow my heart to be sacrificed so she could continue to live a dishonest one. If she went through all the trouble to not fill me in on things I needed to know, that Lance knew, so I would fall in love with her, then she should have no trouble in making the choice to live a life based on truth. In most instances, I would agree that mothers should stay of the sake of their kids, like Francesca Johnson did in ¡°The Bridges of Madison County¡±, but in this instance, no way. If Andrew knew her mother could get sick and die if she stayed with his dad, he would¡¯ve never asked her to promise him not to leave. His mother needed my love like she needed air, and I knew this because I felt the same way about her love.

    The day brought with it some more positive energy when I told Anya I contacted a real estate agent this week.

    ANYA: ¡°Good time to look and buy!¡±

    ME: ¡°I agree! With the market in a recession it brought the house prices down. It¡¯s what I was waiting for.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Wish we could look together.¡±

    She didn¡¯t have to text me this, but she did, a piece of her she couldn¡¯t deny called the truth within. When you consider how she felt the other day, she couldn¡¯t have made a bigger statement of how greatly she felt. This show of love, her truth I tried desperately to bring forth from her, was what we both needed. It said ¡°I love you¡± without having to. More importantly, it gave me the confidence and safety to know when we met this week, it would be a positive visit.

    ME: ¡°Were you able to get everything done today?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I did but got frustrated so went to get my nails done. All better!¡±

    Sometimes all it took was life balance, even if it was just to get her nails done, to feel better as Anya sacrificed that part of herself for her kids, which added to her frustrations. A part of her I had to understand better that led her to feel I made it ¡°all about me¡±. Later that evening though, her frustrations began to resurface, when I texted her.

    ME: ¡°Hi babe! What r u up to?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°At batting cages w/Andrew!¡±

    ME: ¡°Alone in an unsafe place again?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yup! One female employee!¡±

    ME: ¡°Sorry babe.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Used to it!¡±

    Her text was an admission; that she was not her husband¡¯s wife, but rather his ¡°female employee¡± as it seemed her marriage was run much like an LLC. In essence, Jackson basically told his wife, that ¡°if you don¡¯t do this, you don¡¯t love your children¡±. Anya¡¯s truthful texts brought me back to the side I only wanted to be on; her side. Even if it meant my feelings would be put on hold, I looked upon her well-being as more important than mine because I didn¡¯t have two kids that depended on it to be well adjusted. There were no assigned roles in marriages. Both parties had to pick each other up and be in communication. Since Anya and Jackson were disconnected, much like my father and I were, there could be no equity. Since Jackson already chipped her away, there would never be equity, that would only lead to an unhappy partnership. In a marriage, people had to pitch in to pick one another up, and no husband, unless he was completely disabled, should let his wife, let alone one as attractive as she was, run around the kids to unsafe places, especially at night. Since I¡¯ve known her, Jackson never treated her like a wife or even a partner as evidenced when the corporate office was moved and he didn¡¯t give her an office. I think I was more upset about that than Anya was. It¡¯s why Jackson chose an impressionable nineteen-year-old girl to date¡ªso he could manipulate her for his own purposes. As long as he provided her with a bevy of friends in high places so she had value, he could control and manipulate her. Even get her to stay with him instead of taking him to the cleaners when he cheated on her while she carried his son, and raised a two-year-old. Even though Anya brought me pain when she wasn¡¯t open with me as she should have been when we met, Jackson¡¯s abusive ways made it absolutely impossible for me to give up on her. If I gave up on Anya, I would also give up on myself. In essence, it would prove my father was right about me all those years. To accuse Anya of anything would feel like I did it to myself. That all those opinions my Dad had of me after all the years I tried to prove him wrong, were right. Anya was used to it the structure and roles of her marriage, so much so it all seemed normal, even for those women she knew who did the same, but I awakened her to the possibility it was wrong for a wife to feel like an employee¡ªa person to use and not a person to love. Marriages weren¡¯t easy but when you made the decision to have kids, you made the choice to not only work together, but to protect each other and the kids from harm. To me, it seemed Jackson protected and valued his best interests rather than those of his wife, another reason why I secretly fantasized if he ever decided to confront me. I hoped a confrontation could be avoided, out of respect for Katie and Andrew, however, if Jackson still suspected in any way Anya was still seeing me after the symposium, where it made his awareness of me known, a confrontation with him was inevitable.

    When Tuesday, the twenty-eighth day in April, arrived, I sent a text to Anya to see what her plans were for the day.

    ANYA: ¡°Well I have a lot to do and I have PT at 12:20 but the girls are trying to get me to meet them at the mall. So, if I go, I¡¯ll go for an hour and leave. U?¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m going to go workout, get a haircut this afternoon and then see how I feel. I miss you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Have a good workout! Chat later when ur done!¡±

    About an hour later, after I stepped out of the shower just before my haircut appointment, Anya sent me a text.

    ANYA: ¡°I was thinking maybe tomorrow that way you can still do something the latter part of the week.¡±

    ME: ¡°Are you okay with coming over to my place tomorrow?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Whatever you want to do!¡±

    ME: ¡°My place it is! Thx!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°How long does it take to get a haircut? Can u do tea? I¡¯m leaving the mall around noon. I have a 20-minute window before PT. I was able to change it to 1.¡±

    After I read her text, I realized Anya planned to go to the mall near my place with the girls hoping to see me. She said she had a lot to do when I asked her what she had planned, that it never occurred to me she may have time to see me, even if she went to the mall near my place. I just didn¡¯t suspect she would find the time to with so much to do as I feared to pull her in another direction. Now, she planned to ditch Carolyn and Debbie completely just to meet me for tea? Something that just didn¡¯t happen anymore filled me with a hope I hadn¡¯t felt in what seemed like years. When Debbie and Carolyn used to always say hello to me and understood the depth of what we felt for each other. I had to reread her text again just to make sure I understood it correctly.

    ME: ¡°It only takes about 20 minutes, babe. I can meet you at a coffee shop nearby my place since you¡¯re close to the mall.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I can meet you at the Starbucks on McAdams if you can. If not, no worries!¡±

    ME: ¡°I know where that is. I can meet you there at noon, but I¡¯m worried about you having enough time to make it to PT.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I should be fine but if you can¡¯t get out of there, no worries. Do u want to just text me around noon to let me know?¡±

    ME: ¡°My appointment is at 11:20. I promise I¡¯ll be there. R u sure u can be there at noon?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yes! C u there!¡±

    Her text was not a ¡°K¡± but a resounding ¡°Yes¡±, a genuine excitement I hadn¡¯t felt from her in months. How could I ever give up on this special happiness even if she asked me to?

    I arrived ten minutes before noon so I went in and got her a Grande sized unsweetened iced green tea then waited for her at an outside table, one separated from most of the other tables for optimal privacy. I feared she might want to move since we were out in public and there seemed to be no private areas. As I sat there though, a wide smile broke upon my face as I got caught up in her act of unexpected kindness. I just really needed to see and be around her. I decided to remain at my table for a couple of reasons. One, I didn¡¯t want to lose it to anyone, and two, I feared Anya might not appreciate us together in public view as we were in an area where people knew her. Sometimes being a gentleman had a fine line to it, as I could very much not be one if I left her exposed for judgment. Jackson didn¡¯t protect her, but I wanted to make sure her reputation stayed in good standing, as much as that hurt me at times. At those times I felt abandoned, it really was just a lot of fear and frustration having a deep conversation inside of me. I never wanted to compromise Anya¡¯s integrity as that would be up to her, even as she hurt me at times. I tried to keep a short memory when it came to Anya for those times her love showed me I was wrong to question her, like her love did on this day. As much as I wanted her to scream my name from the rooftops, and I deserved to be announced by her with love and pride, I didn¡¯t want to give people any power over her. Especially those blind to societal falsehoods about the institution of marriage in today¡¯s loveless world. Just as the clock hit the noon hour and as I gazed down at my phone, I heard a familiar voice behind me.

    ¡°Is this seat taken?¡±

    I looked up at her and just smiled, so ecstatic to see her, I could barely even speak. As she stood near me, I could smell her scent as I badly wanted to hold her and put my face next to hers.

    ¡°I¡¯m saving it for the most beautiful woman I know.¡± I said as I rose from my chair to pull hers out before she sat. ¡°Thank you for meeting me. You look so beautiful today, babe.¡±

    ¡°Thank you.¡± she replied, flushed.

    As she sat, she then grabbed my hand before I could walk back to my seat across from her. I held her hand in mine for five seconds before I made my way to my seat. When I sat down to face her, she got lost in my eyes just before I got lost in hers, as if we never argued about a thing the other day. For the first time, Anya was adorned in lavish and bold golden jewelry in my presence. It didn¡¯t seem like the kind of costume jewelry she purchased from the Jewish jewelry makers ¨C this was too exquisite to be the kind of jewelry she wouldn¡¯t wear. She had on a few gold bracelets on each wrist, and then two gold earrings that were so lavish, she could easily be robbed at gunpoint for. I always found Anya to be sophisticated by the way she carried herself, as she was always proper and classy, but this was the first time I¡¯ve seen this level of sophistication from her as the wealth she wore penetrated my eyes and heart.

    I wasn¡¯t sure if this was done to make a statement of some kind and to whom. It made me question if she really did have physical therapy after our meeting. It seemed like a lot of work to put this all on and to look so nice, just to take it off in the next half hour or so. Did she meet up with an entirely different group of friends at the mall and not Carolyn and Debbie? Friends who spoke of their husband¡¯s wealth, and she felt the need to compete? To show how much their husbands loved them? I knew Anya talked of big, ugly costume jewelry but what she wore didn¡¯t match that description. I honestly didn¡¯t know what to think or how to feel about her ensemble. She looked absolutely magnificent and divine, but was this a message to me? That this was what I had to compete against? I¡¯ve already seen enough beauty each time I saw her to last me a lifetime. Among the gold though, laid across her neck was my necklace, the ¡°thingie¡±, and when I saw that, I realized the message was meant to defy the group she met with, and a bigger message sent to me my past never allowed me to consider. When I saw my necklace near her heart, all the gold in the world couldn¡¯t measure up to what sparkled from the sun more than the gold she wore. Although it hurt to remain a secret, I never wanted her to compromise her integrity and character, especially to a group that likely had none to begin with. Who couldn¡¯t tell the difference between a husband who loved them and one who bought them? When I saw the thingie as it sparkled in the sun and the smile on her face when she put her fingers on it to show me what piece of jewelry had the most meaning. It brought her inner beauty into focus like a telescope on a newly discovered planet.

    ¡°Are you okay with this spot?¡± I asked.

    ¡°Yes! This can be our new spot!¡± she exclaimed excitedly. ¡°I love your haircut! You look very handsome!¡±

    ¡°Thanks!¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯m really looking forward to tomorrow.¡±

    ¡°I am too.¡± she said. ¡°I love you, Landyn. I hope you know that.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m sorry I ever question it, but I know you do. I love you, too.¡± I said. ¡°I hope you know that.¡±

    ¡°I know you do.¡±

    She then touched her necklace and looked at me with the widest smile¡ªthe kind of smile that inspired tears of joy and sadness I fought back hard on.

    ¡°I love my thingie.¡± she told me.

    Whenever I saw the thingie against her neckline, it made my world right side up¡ªa simple gesture but with great meaning. When she wore it around me, I felt my life had a true purpose and meaning¡ªthat I had a real identity. A purpose and identity that couldn¡¯t exist to wreck lives but to make sense of them. As her necklace sparkled in the sun, I felt the Universe told me, this is why you¡¯re here, Landyn. This is why I put you here and why you were never aborted. My purpose, my being, why I walked the earth was why I had to fight harder for her. Without my experiences in life, that shaped me into being open to Anya¡¯s heart, this love we felt, never could exist. Without her, my birth would never make sense. This had to be true love for so many reasons. If it wasn¡¯t, I could no longer justify, let alone rationalize, why and what my place was in this world. How could I belong to a world where I served no other purpose? After my many heartbreaks, I poured all I had left into her, so much so, afterwards there would be none of me left to give anyone else. If I lost her, it would take a minimum of a decade to get over her, if I ever could. Her love meant that much to me. It¡¯s why I had to trust it, even when I had good reason to question it. I had to believe she wouldn¡¯t take me to the place she did for nothing; when she knew how much it meant to me. When she knew how much I believed in not only love, but our love. I wouldn¡¯t know what life was for anymore if I lost her.

    Twenty minutes later, Anya had to leave. I walked her back to her car, but there were too many people around to give her a hug or a kiss, so I just told her ¡°goodbye¡± until the next day. Roughly a half hour later, she texted to let me know she made it to her physical therapy appointment on time and she finished her tea. Then, I didn¡¯t hear from her for the rest of the night as I tried to sleep off the day and waited for it to end like she did. Her plan to meet with me though was very thoughtful after we had the roughest week of our relationship. She seemed to recognize how she ended our last time together was unfair to me. I held out hope this could springboard us in the right direction again. The true spirit of our meeting was to let me know she really did love me as she feared the same disconnect now through texts. The truth was though, other than the fact I didn¡¯t want her to be compromised in front of her children, I couldn¡¯t root for her to make it through another day and night. I couldn¡¯t root for her to be able to sleep it away either because if she was continuously successful, we would never be together. Not to mention, like she told me before when I told her about taking my own life, we were meant to live life to the fullest here, and anything less was a sin. Based on her own words, if she lived her life without me, without her purpose as much as mine, she truly sinned. I believed the stars sent her to me to give me the purpose and meaning in life I always sought an answer for. In the end, love conquered all, so she could spend her days wide awake, days she would never want to sleep off again.

    When the next morning arrived, with my heart was steeped in anticipation, Anya texted me. A text I thought would notify me of the time she planned to be at my place for a visit I couldn¡¯t wait for like any other before it.

    ANYA: ¡°Good morning! I kinda have to let u know about our meeting time a little later this a.m. He decided to work out of the home office for the morning. I think he suspects¡­¡±

    When I read her text, a few things were clear. The first being, Anya couldn¡¯t hide her love for me from him. The girl who I questioned days earlier, showed me without saying ¡°I love you¡± and ¡°I miss you¡±, the things I criticized her for, and how she understood my position. In what had to be her most loving gesture, she made adjustments to accommodate my fears although she didn¡¯t want to lose fifty percent of her kids; the reason she still gave into him. Second, I knew what Anya was unsure of, he stayed home because he did indeed ¡°suspect¡±. And lastly, I had complete and total confirmation he planned to confront me.

 CHAPTER 3 ~ AN UNSTILL SILENCE

    ¡°Silence like a cancer grows."

    ~ ¡°The Sound of Silence¡± Paul Simon

    ANYA: ¡°Sorry babe. Can we meet at 11:45? Best I could do. Didn¡¯t expect the curve ball.¡±

    ME: ¡°Don¡¯t you dare apologize. I totally understand. Sounds good babe. See you then.¡±

    Zero doubt existed. Jackson knew not only she had a relationship, but Landyn Lastman, not Landman, was his wife¡¯s lover. Why did he not issue her an ultimatum? Was his arrogance so great it blinded him to the possibility she was in love with me? Did he consider myself so inferior to him that he believed she would eventually come back to him? Was this why he didn¡¯t confront me at the symposium? Or did he fear the loss of his perfect image and reputation? Why would he choose to stay with her after a relationship that lasted nearly two years now? Was it because he knew about Lance and expected the same to happen here too? That I would eventually leave her too? Did he not consider how we¡¯ve gotten so close over the last seventeen months? As these questions darted back and forth in my mind, I only knew one thing was certain, Jackson was breaking and a confrontation was inevitable. I didn¡¯t know when it would happen, but I knew one thing was certain¡ªwhen it did, I wouldn¡¯t back down. He may have been her husband in the eyes of society, but in the eyes of God, if there was one, he lost her fifteen years ago.

    I paced back and forth, not sure what to say to her. I typed up many thoughts in my journal just so I could track all of my heavy emotions to determine if they served a valid purpose. I didn¡¯t know what happened at her home and what made Jackson convinced she belonged to him. She had to know where I stood¡ªI couldn¡¯t deceive her. I also didn¡¯t think she was fair to judge me based on the situation due to its overall dishonest nature. If she took the set of circumstances away, and I acted crazy emotionally, I could see how that could give her pause. For anyone in this kind of situation, where there was an element that was easy to hide behind if one wanted to, it would be hard on any heart, especially one who loved her so judiciously. I never jumped into this with two feet, and even tried to walk away. I completely trusted she would never make promises to her children about not leaving if she pursued a relationship with me after I walked away from her. She wasn¡¯t the best parent but Anya was a great mom. If she wanted to be the best parent, leaving Jackson was the right thing to do as it would teach her kids money didn¡¯t lead to happiness. She even reminded me of my own mother at times and I could see why her son feared she would leave. Whenever she spoke of Andrew, we didn¡¯t seem much different from each other when I was his age. For her to tell him though she would never leave, after she allowed and encouraged someone to fall deeply in love with her, was criminal. She just couldn¡¯t tell me it was true love she felt if she wasn¡¯t willing to share custody especially when she lived a life as if she already did. She either loved me in a completely different form or much less. I didn¡¯t want Anya to hurt her kids, but I saw a valuable lesson from a parent within a promise to leave him. First of all, she would have told Andrew ¡°no¡±, a word I don¡¯t think either of her kids heard enough of. She would also become a person they could trust¡ªa parent who refused to put on a show for them to give them a false sense of security. It would also provide her kids with an admission, that she knew she couldn¡¯t fool them and she respected their ability to sense things weren¡¯t right. The biggest message would be to her daughter, Katie, who blamed herself for the problems in the marriage. It would instead let her be able to sleep at night without such a heavy burden. If Anya had to blame me for the threat to divorce, I was all for it, because at least Katie could rest her mind about it knowing she was never to blame. That was why I thought Anya should leave Jackson ¨Cto be the great parent her kids needed her to be. If she were honest with them now, they would understand she lied to protect them. If she were to leave later down the road however, her kids would more than likely resent her for it because they knew something was amiss years earlier and she pretended as if nothing was wrong. When I learned through Katie¡¯s own words that she overheard her mother threaten to divorce her father, that spoke louder to me than anything. In auditing, the best evidence to support a conclusion always comes from a third party. Whenever I questioned Anya¡¯s love for me, all I really had to do was go back to Katie¡¯s own words as the best evidence of Anya¡¯s love; a confirmation by a third party. If I didn¡¯t challenge Anya, the one who truly loved and cared for her, no one ever would. As much as I didn¡¯t want to lose her, I knew I had to risk losing her in order for her to do the right thing. To choose a life of truth over a life of false hoods. She told me I deserved better one time. I agreed, but she did too¡ªwe both did. It was never about me¡ªit was about we.

    ANYA: ¡°Here¡±

    I raced downstairs to meet her at the gate when she arrived as I knew time was of the essence. Nothing appeared out of place as her beauty remained the same and she didn¡¯t appear rattled as she put my hand in hers. When we were inside, she fell into my arms as if we never had a single disagreement after two fairly nasty ones that left us both unsettled.

    ¡°I wouldn¡¯t be surprised if he followed me here.¡± she told me as after her lips met mine.

    ¡°It wouldn¡¯t surprise me either.¡± I said as grabbed her soft hand in mine and escorted her to my couch so we could talk.

    As soon as she sat down, her phone began to ring as if on cue.

    ¡°Is it?¡± I asked.

    She then nodded in affirmation¡­it was Jackson.

    ¡°I¡¯m not going to answer it.¡± She said.

    ¡°What¡¯s he going to do babe?¡± I asked. ¡°It¡¯s not like he¡¯s going to the right thing and divorce you.¡±

    ¡°I just don¡¯t want to deal with the twenty questions at home.¡± She said. ¡°He¡¯s not making it easy.¡±

    ¡°I understand how that can get stale.¡± I said. ¡°If you answer it though, he¡¯s less likely to have them, don¡¯t¡¯ you think?¡±

    ¡°I can¡¯t talk to him right now.¡± she said as I knew she couldn¡¯t hide from him all she felt in her heart.

    I then grabbed her hand in mine and looked into her eyes ¨C eyes that never wavered from mine as I began to speak.

    ¡°I hope you know what my goal is¡ªit¡¯s not to take you away from your kids.¡± I said. ¡°But to get you away from him¡ªfrom what he¡¯s doing now. I¡¯m just trying to save you from yourself.¡±

    ¡°I promised Andrew though, Landyn.¡± she said.

    ¡°What did you really promise him though, Sweetheart?¡± I asked. ¡°More stress and unhappiness ¡­things that cause disease? You may have promised him less years of you being there for him. Babe, he¡¯s a kid and he¡¯s only fearful because he knows something is wrong at home. You have to be honest with him.¡±

    ¡°As a mother, it¡¯s my responsibility to provide a stable family environment.¡± She countered.

    ¡°But babe, how can you possibly provide that¡­when there¡¯s so much you are holding inside?¡± I asked. ¡°It¡¯s true, a mother may have the responsibility to provide a stable family environment, but a parent would never provide them with a false stable family environment.¡±

    ¡°But babe¡­¡± she said.

    ¡°Sweetheart, please hear me out here. Me aside¡­let¡¯s say I¡¯m not in your life. This stable family environment is not only not good for their mother, but it¡¯s also not good for them. Anya, I know you¡¯re not an angry person, but you¡¯re fuming inside, so much so, your kids think you¡¯re unloving. This anger is more pronounced than ever because of me, but I know you, and I know there is so much beauty inside of you that you¡¯re not living your life to the fullest because you¡¯re keeping it from people, even from your own kids. Can you honestly tell me your kids are being properly nurtured when you have so much resentment bottled up inside of you? Don¡¯t you think if were truly happy, and you chose to lead a life of truth, that your kids could only benefit from that? How could them being able to feel and even see your love ever hurt them? They have a right to know their mother the way I know her. If you¡¯re not loving towards your husband, and he¡¯s hounding you because he knows your marriage lacks the most essential thing every marriage need¡ªtrust, then your kids are going to think it¡¯s okay to not trust their significant others as well. I know you, and I know you don¡¯t want the pain you feel inside for your kids. Staying for their sake is a vicious cycle, Anya. Your pain will only continue to be passed down from mother to child. Don¡¯t you think in some way that you¡¯re hurting now because of the love you didn¡¯t see, but needed to see, growing up? How come you never dreamt of falling in love when you were a little girl? That¡¯s something I¡¯ve never heard before because most girls dream of their Prince Charming. You couldn¡¯t even remember if you were happy on your wedding day. Babe, you¡¯re making a terrible mistake by staying with this man. By allowing him to ask you twenty questions when there¡¯s really only one question left to be asked. I¡¯m not a proponent of divorce. I think people should try to stick together for ¡°better or for worse¡±, but I think all the infidelities between you both nullifies that. There¡¯s no sanctity in your marriage. If there¡¯s truly a God, in his eyes false vows were given and the marriage is cursed until the light of the truth brings its dishonest nature to an end. If you¡¯re looking for support from the holy, refer to Matthew five, verse thirty-two.¡±

    Anya looked at me with sadness in her eyes, as her head fell to the ground and back up at me. Since she did not speak, I continued to.

    ¡°You told me yourself, when we talked of suicide, it was a sin to not live your life to the fullest. If that¡¯s true, not only are you committing a sin, but also suicide. Babe, your kids will be fine¡ªno one is leaving Andrew. No one is going to take him away from you. He¡¯s only afraid of you leaving because he¡¯s in the dark but he knows something is wrong. If you¡¯re truly happy, how can he be ever be afraid of what your light brings upon him? Katie and Andrew need you to have the courage to show them important lessons in life, like this one, and I think by staying you¡¯re going to cause them damage in their future relationships. I think a divorce would benefit them in the sense it would force their father to take a more active role in their lives; to not just show up for games and competitions, and not leave you in harm¡¯s way. Maybe they would even get to know him better and get closer? It would also teach them what leads to true happiness in life and they are equally important in a marriage. That it should be fair and equitable. Babe, as much as an honor it is, I should never know Katie better than her father. I¡¯m begging you to think about this long and hard. You deserve to be happy and your kids would only benefit from it. I think if they knew all you went through, and why you¡¯re so unhappy, I think they would be upset with you for placing the burden of your unhappiness on them. I guarantee you, when they are older, they will come to understand, and it would only inspire them to pursue happiness as well. I only say these things with nothing but all the humility and respect in the world and out of my love for you¡ªnot from just someone who wants to be with you, but I say it to you as your best friend as well. You¡¯re just one step away, and I promise you this¡ªyou will thank me one day.¡±

    Her eyes never left mine the entire time as she sincerely took in all I had to say. All I had on my mind before she arrived that Jackson¡¯s suspicions put into overdrive. I¡¯ve just come too far to not lay it on the line like I had to.

    ¡°I¡¯ll consider all you¡¯ve said¡± she said. ¡°but I can¡¯t handle the pressure, babe.¡±

    ¡°It feels like pressure to you because I¡¯ve expressed it with more pain than love. I don¡¯t think my love has come through the wire as much as I hoped it would.¡± I reflected. ¡°The toughest thing about my pressure is you feel for the most part, the same pain I do, and I understand it¡¯s why you get upset at me for it. As much as I wish I could take the hurtful words back, I know I can¡¯t, but I can at least let you know I¡¯ve recognized what I¡¯ve said and how they made you feel and say I¡¯m sorry.¡±

    ¡°I understand you love me and it¡¯s why you say the things you do.¡± she said as tears filled her eyes.

    ¡°I don¡¯t know if you remember this, but one night, a while back, you told me you were having thoughts of running and you even texted me ¡°why can¡¯t I be with the one I love?¡±. I continued. ¡°I would say it was your most vulnerable hour yet I never took advantage of that and didn¡¯t put pressure on you to leave. I didn¡¯t pressure you because I love you and I knew that would hurt your kids. In fact, I hold back sexually because I think that will lead me to pressure you to leave so I hope you know the pressure is never intentional. I honestly think about your kids when I say the things I do. It¡¯s the hardest thing for me to do, to tell you not to run when I knew you would, because I wanted to be with you so bad. If you were to ever run to me though, I¡¯d let you spend the night with me, but in the morning, I would only send you back home. Not because I don¡¯t love you, but because I do. I just hope when you think of my ¡°pressure¡±, you remember the times when you were most vulnerable, when you wanted to run, and I pushed you to stay as badly as I wanted you to be in my arms. If it feels like pressure, I apologize but it doesn¡¯t mean leave now and be with me, but rather just see me when you can, and that I¡¯m missing you terribly. I don¡¯t care where¡­I¡¯ll drive to you even after a long day if I have a chance to see you. It doesn¡¯t matter what we do together as long as I get to spend some time with you. RJ¡¯s, Good Morning Cafe, Starbucks, PV, Abalone Cove, Sonoma¡¯s, here¡­wherever. Any place you feel safe and comfortable at.¡±

    The one thing I loved about Anya is how she always let me have the floor. She never spoke over me, and I had her full attention as if I were Winston Churchill. She never spoke above me, and hung on every single word and syllable. She allowed me to express my ideas as if she wanted me to challenge her. How many men would fight for her the way I did for almost seventeen months? She needed to see the sincerity in my eyes so she could trust it, and I meant every word. To know the pressure only existed because I loved her far beyond the words I spoke. I would¡¯ve announced all I did on the floor of Congress if I could.

    After I spilled my guts, it appeared to have been well received when we made it to my bed so I could hold her in my arms for the final twenty minutes of her visit. To see her leave was one of the hardest things I¡¯ve ever endured, but when she did, I felt we had a better understanding of where we stood; the overall goal of her visit. We even got to feel our love for each other, as my candleless room showed I didn¡¯t expect it. I walked her out to make sure Jackson didn¡¯t plan to ambush her and when she drove safely way, I knew she would be okay.

    When she texted me after she left not ten minutes after she departed, I knew she took my words to heart.

    ANYA: ¡°I miss u.¡±

    ME: ¡°I miss u, too¡±

    Although I¡¯d probably not see her again during my week off from work, it was just nice to know we were back on the same page. Then more Jackson hawked her, I refused to push her as much as I needed her. After our visit, I realized the jewelry she wore the other day was meant for me to see another side of her beauty, but she already captivated my soul a long time ago. Her ensemble had to be what tipped her off to Jackson as I recalled the time, she told me he looked her up and down, on a day she planned to visit me. A day he also stayed home in suspicion, what had to be over a year ago. Later that evening I texted to see how her night was going and to tell her how I felt, but I didn¡¯t hear back from her until an hour later.

    ANYA: ¡°Sorry. I was in a looooong meeting at the temple for Katie¡¯s NY trip in May. Just finished and late for Bday dinner. I had a great time too! I love you!¡±

    Anya never told me about a ¡°Bday dinner¡±, but after such a great day together, I couldn¡¯t let it bother me. Three hours later, she sent me a text I didn¡¯t expect.

    ANYA: ¡°Just leaving dinner! Nite!¡±

    Although it bummed me out I didn¡¯t hear from Anya much on this particular evening, it was thoughtful of her to let me know I was on her mind as much as she was on mine. When the last morning in April arrived, a day that also officially marked the seventeenth month of our relationship, I texted Anya to wish her a good morning, and she didn¡¯t waste a minute to respond.

    ANYA: ¡°Good morning! Loved being in your arms! It was fun! I like it when we don¡¯t have pressure.¡±

    ME: ¡°Me too, babe. I never intend on giving you pressure because I know it bothers you, and you know how badly I want to be with you. It¡¯s also hard to not only see the love of my life, but my best friend too, go through her days unhappy and miserable. That¡¯s not how anyone should have to live their life. It¡¯s too short. In the meantime, I just want to give you all I can so you don¡¯t have to.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I understand. I¡¯m not happy but I¡¯m not miserable. I can control that part.¡±

    I guess she could control that part. She could see me any time she wanted to and she had friends, neighbors and staff she could hang with. Her unhappiness did border misery however if she slept days off just to get through them. That didn¡¯t sound like someone who lived a life free of misery, although she could control it somewhat. I just knew if she lost me, just the same as if I lost her, we both would be miserable and unhappy. I didn¡¯t want that for her or for myself. We still had each other and she still slept her days off so what would her life be without us?

    After our textversation, I drove to Palos Verdes to walk the trails near the cliffs. I really needed the crisp air and the surreal blue Pacific to clear my head. It would be my first time back since Anya and I walked it together and stumbled upon ¡°our beach¡±, Abalone Cove. When I reached the trail to our beach, I walked down to see if it looked the same and it did, still a hidden sort of paradise. I then decided to sit on the sand and watch the waves roll in, as I revisited that day, with Anya as she smiled underneath my towel, and as the sun graced her body as she knelt in the sand with her hair strewn about yet unable to hide the love in her eyes and the pure joy she felt as much as I did. It just seemed the universe brought us together on that day, as the sun and ocean conspired to play a role in our love. Nothing spoke more about the beauty of our love than that day did¡ªwhen it seemed the Universe was completely on our side regardless of her kids, and any other reason that kept us apart. As I walked along the cliffs, I texted Anya so it could feel like she was with me.

    ME: ¡°Texting you from Abalone Cove. It¡¯s beautiful here babe, but not as beautiful without you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I bet! I¡¯m sorry I¡¯m not there with you.¡±

    It struck me in the heart when she didn¡¯t text ¡°I wish I was there with you¡±, but instead chose to apologize she couldn¡¯t be there. I tried not to interpret it because I didn¡¯t know how to. Did her apology mean she could¡¯ve been here with me? Or instead of wishing, she apologized for not being there as if she thought she should? Or would she opt not to go even if she could? Or perhaps, I was reading into it too much because she couldn¡¯t go because Jackson stayed home again. The last thing I wanted to do was make her feel sad about it.

    ME: ¡°Whenever and wherever it is beautiful, you are with me. You¡¯re in every beautiful blue sky, every dazzling sunset, in every soothing sound of the breaking waves. Every beautiful thing I ever see or experience you¡¯re with me, because I think of you everytime.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Oh that was beautiful babe. Thank you. R u walking?¡±

    No ¡°awww¡±, but rather an ¡°oh¡±. Or maybe the ¡°oh¡± meant more? I didn¡¯t know, but I would like to think it meant more than an ¡°awww¡± would. Or perhaps, yet again, I read too much into things, but that¡¯s what her texts began to do to me. I should¡¯ve also considered she didn¡¯t want to be replaced by objects. It was just a spur of the moment thing and I hoped she didn¡¯t think I wouldn¡¯t take her here all because I walked the cliffs on this day. If she told me to come pick her up so she could be with me, I had done it in a heartbeat.

    I spent a half hour on the beach at Abalone Cove before I hiked again on the trails. I walked for about another hour before I headed back to my car¡ªwith only two minutes left on the parking meter. Close to my parent¡¯s home, I figured a visit was in order but before I started my car engine, Anya texted me.

    ANYA: ¡°Muah!¡±

    ME: ¡°Muah! Just ended my hike. Heading to my parents¡¯ house now.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ok have fun! Hi to mom!¡±

    When I read Anya¡¯s ¡°hi to mom¡±, I began to laugh at my own critical assessment of her texts to me. How ridiculous was it of me to analyze her responses that way? An ¡°oh¡± versus an ¡°awww¡±? How could I be that obsessed over a message behind the message? I felt crazy to think that way as I vowed to not read into her texts, and to trust her. Her ¡°hi to mom¡± was too sweet to think for a second, any woman with intentions to hurt me, would ever say such a thing. Her text left me with positive vibes and it carried over into a very positive visit with my mom, who revealed that although she had trouble eating because of the sores in her mouth, the doctors told her the chemo seemed to be working. I really needed the good news, but Anya always made my life better when she remained consistent in her communication with me. On my way home, I received another text from her.

    ANYA: ¡°Hope ur having a nice visit!¡±

    It was hard not to hope, let alone imagine, having her accompany me on my visits to see my mother. Her texts gave me hope not only for an introduction I wanted so badly to make, but also the dreams I had of us together in her room, watching the same shows my mom did with a bowl of popcorn to share among us. I also imagined a grandchild for my mother too, just a room full of love and respect for all the people in it. A dream I started to have each time I visited my mother as if it could be one of the last times as the reality of her disease began to chip away at that dream each day that passed, the danger and audacity of dreaming.

    The following afternoon, on the last weekday of my vacation, a Friday and the first day of May, Anya surprised me, on a day she had to be in the corporate office.

    ANYA: ¡°Maybe we can meet later for a bit on my way home? Idk exactly how long I¡¯ll be at work.¡±

    I didn¡¯t hesitate to say yes, as my vacation would now have a happy conclusion. But as the day progressed, and right before her visit, an unfortunate situation developed.

    ANYA: ¡°OMG! I can¡¯t c u now! Too embarrassing! Bit into a juicy strawberry and it dripped all over my blouse!¡±

    ME: ¡°OMG! I¡¯m so sorry to hear that babe! You probably look nicer though with a strawberry stain on your blouse than I do in my unstained clothes! Please don¡¯t let that stop you. I really want to see you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I was kidding about not seeing u! Oh, I don¡¯t really care as long as u don¡¯t! I look like a big baby!¡±

    ME: ¡°I got Tide! I got All Temperature Cheer! I even have Palmolive here! I¡¯ll clean it for you, babe. Whatever you need!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ha ha! K I¡¯ll text u in a bit!¡±

    Around Anya I recovered all the confidence I ever lost¡ªall the confidence my father took and all the girls who ever made me feel unworthy of love stole from me. Even with uncomfortable emotions, Anya always had a way to make me comfortable. I know I let her down whenever I broke down, but when we began our relationship, she never told me she would need the permission of her kids for her to leave. That she would need their stamp of approval and their blessing, and that¡¯s what I had to fight back¡ªthe reason for my struggles. Why would I ever choose to be in a relationship and to put her children, let alone her, in that position if I knew this at the beginning? I didn¡¯t want to fall in love with someone who relied on others to make the decision to leave for her. Even another man, Lance, suffered the same tragic fate, but unlike him, I refused to go down the same path he did without a fight. As much as I loved Anya, as much as I didn¡¯t want to pressure her, and as much as I wanted to trust her, I just could no longer disappear without a trace into that goodnight. If her excuse was ¡°I couldn¡¯t help it¡± and I was supposed to understand, then she would have to understand the reasons why ¡°I couldn¡¯t help it¡±, as well. She couldn¡¯t allow or encourage any man to develop massive feelings for her in this situation¡ªespecially when that person walked away initially because they feared what I now endured. Unless she was willing to go to bat for them and to catch them when they fell. If I didn¡¯t challenge Anya to have love, after she couldn¡¯t help it, then I failed her in every way.

    ANYA: ¡°Leaving Irvine in 5 min! Can¡¯t stay long!¡±

    ME: ¡°I understand. Just happy to see you!¡±

    When I read her text, it left me confused. I already knew this would be a short visit because she had to pick up the kids from school. If she felt she would cut it too close, she didn¡¯t have to visit at all. I always thought if she offered, then she had enough time albeit short. I almost texted her to let her know it was okay if she couldn¡¯t make it, but before I could she had already arrived. As I walked to open the gate, I planned to just send her home as just the chance to have her in my eyes and to hold her for a minute or two meant the world to me because it wasn¡¯t expected.

    As I tried to talk her out of it, she refused as she put her hand in mine and kissed me as soon as she entered the gate. As the sun shone above, even with a strawberry stained blouse, her beauty remained intact. When we got inside my apartment, she stomped her foot and sported a pouty face when she pointed out the spot on her blue blouse. I then rubbed my hands softly along her bare shoulders and laughed as the spot was barely noticeable. She came into my arms as my lips met her pouty ones.

    ¡°If you didn¡¯t point that out to me, I would¡¯ve never noticed it was there.¡± I said.

    ¡°I would love to lie with you on your bed right now, but I won¡¯t have enough time babe.¡± she said as she looked up into my eyes. ¡°The longest I can stay is twenty minutes.¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s twenty minutes more than I expected, babe.¡± I said. ¡°I just love having you here. Do you know how many times you¡¯ve visited my place?¡±

    ¡°You know?¡± she asked in astonishment.

    ¡°I sure do.¡± I announced. ¡°This is your forty fourth visit here.¡±

    ¡°Really? Forty-four times?¡± She exclaimed. ¡°How do you know?¡±

    ¡°I keep track of your visits, even all the times we¡¯ve ever met up in my journal.¡± I said. ¡°We have so many beautiful memories. Your first visit. Una Toda Vida. My birthday lunch. Even the time you came just to try to break up with me was a beautiful moment.¡±

    ¡°Awww. Babe. I came to break up with you but I didn¡¯t want to.¡±

    ¡°I know.¡± I said as I nearly teared up myself. ¡°I tasted your tears.¡±

    She then moved her lips back into mine for about ten seconds before she spoke to me again.

    ¡°One of my friends is getting divorced.¡± She revealed.

    ¡°Oh no.¡± I said. ¡°Anyone I know?¡±

    ¡°No¡ªno one you know babe. She just told me yesterday.¡±

    ¡°Was this a friend you saw during the birthday party you went to?¡± I said as I worried because she never mentioned the birthday party during her visit.

    ¡°No, I talked to her before I went to the Birthday party.¡± She said.

    ¡°Is she seeing someone?¡± I asked.

    ¡°No¡ªshe says she doesn¡¯t want to date anyone for a while. She wants to take her time.¡±

    ¡°I think that¡¯s where Flora went wrong. She jumped right back into the dating scene.¡± I said. ¡°I think your friend is doing the right thing.¡±

    ¡°I agree.¡± she said.

    ¡°Flora was trying to recover from her grief and that¡¯s why she dated so quickly.¡±

    Anya nodded her head and then brought her eyes away from mine, something she rarely did. She then hit me with something as unexpected as her twenty-minute visit.

    ¡°I don¡¯t blame my friend for not jumping right into another relationship. I¡¯d wanna do the same thing.¡± she said. ¡°To be with anyone right after a separation is scary, and I¡¯d want some time to see if this is what I wanted.¡±

    I couldn¡¯t believe what I had just heard as I felt I just received a shot to the back of my head. She would need time, after she left Jackson, to see if she even wanted to date me? After all her hopes, wishes and dreams? After all the missing I didn¡¯t even know about? After she wanted to wear my ring? And she wonders why I pressured her at times an why I wasn¡¯t a ¡°big boy¡±? Did I misinterpret things? Even after all those times she wanted to run to me? She would even need time to figure out if this was what she wanted after I gave her nearly two years of my life so she could? If there was ever a statement that revealed her love only existed for me because the entire relationship existed on her terms, she provided me with her answer. Was this twenty minute visit intentionally cut short and made just to tell me this?

    ¡°If you ever needed some time to think if being with me is what you wanted, after nearly two years of being with me, after all we¡¯ve shared and all you¡¯ve ever told me you hoped, wished and dreamed for¡ªthen I¡¯d have to leave you for good.¡± I said.

    ¡°No, that¡¯s not true!¡± she exclaimed. ¡°It¡¯s just something I wouldn¡¯t want to do right away.¡±

    Anya claimed I hurt her with some of the things I texted to her, but this hurt me to hear beyond anything I could have ever texted that hurt her. After seventeen months together, she wouldn¡¯t want to be with me right away if she got divorced or separated? After she had a dream of our wedding not too long ago? Did she forget this was the same man she fantasized having a baby with? The same man she claimed would be a dream come true if we were married? I could understand not being together right away out of respect for her kids, but why did she find it ¡°scary¡± to be with someone right after a separation when she dated me for the last seventeen months of her sixteen-year marriage? After I taught her what love was all about and took this giant leap of faith all for her, she hit me with this? If ¡°I didn¡¯t want to share custody¡± wasn¡¯t bad enough, she now made me feel like the bad guy all because I wanted to be with the one, I loved?

    Forty-three of the prior visits Anya made, I hoped time would stand still, but on her forty- fourth visit, I couldn¡¯t wait for the twenty minutes to put an end to this destruction of my heart and soul. As the negative energy swelled inside of me, I prayed I wouldn¡¯t crack emotionally in front of her. This living room where I stood with her, full of the best moments of my life, was now far from living. Her words led me to one hard question¡ªhow could she feel anything for me even remotely close to all I felt for her? How could she be so flagrant? Everything she led me to believe she feared to lose; I now feared to lose more than she did.

    As I walked her out to her car, I smiled to hide the pain I felt by what she said as her words left me feeling dead inside. Before she exited the gate, I hugged her as if what she said didn¡¯t scar my heart. After she exited the parking lot, I decided to go for a ride to take my mind off of her more than ¡°scary¡± comments. When I ended up at an old spot near my parent¡¯s house, called Royal Palms. I parked just a hundred feet away from the rocks that separated the coast line from the Pacific as a meteor shower of thoughts streaked through my mind. My father and mother used to take me there when I was a kid, where I¡¯d climb on the seaweed strewn rocks then pick them up to see how far I could throw them into the ocean. Sometimes I¡¯d be pinched by an annoyed crab or get poked by a perturbed sea urchin who had made the rocks their shelter but they had plenty of other rocks to choose from. When I got older, I spent many sunsets there, desperately depressed to be alone with my thoughts. Thirty-eight year later, I couldn¡¯t believe I was back again; this time left alone by someone who actually loved me. I stayed inside my car as I listened and watched the waves roll in and out as tortuous thoughts seemed to ride with each swell.

    What hurt the most was how it seemed Anya never appreciated the sacrifices I made for her happiness over the last seventeen months. She treated my love for her like Jackson¡¯s¡ªsomething that could be turned off and on when necessary. She accused me of being ¡°contradictive¡± yet she told me she wished she belonged to me, but now found it frightening to jump into a relationship with me after separating and wanted to see if it was what she wanted? What were the last seventeen months about then? How could she discount all I ever felt and did for her? My love never wavered, my need for her only increased. I knew what I wanted from the very first night I met her, but trusted her promises and words before I¡¯d pursue it. It also seemed she felt I should just be thankful for her love regardless of her belonging to me as well, as if she gifted herself to me, and not the other way around. As if I wanted to fall in love with her even if I couldn¡¯t have her, after I made it clear that was never the case seventeen months ago. She seemed to come into this relationship with the idea that it would be okay to love me deeply, render me completely naked and vulnerable, then leave it up to me to put my ¡°big boy¡± pants on and end it all if I wasn¡¯t happy with our status¡ªwithout a single concession from her other than to leave me high and dry. Lastly, it now seemed her love for me only existed on the sole condition that I would support her decision to stay for the kids. If I didn¡¯t support her, then her love didn¡¯t exist for me as well. That¡¯s why she was always perfectly fine with the ¡°loving someone is letting go¡± mantra. How could she fail to comprehend that if she told me the real reason she stayed with Jackson when we first met, that I would¡¯ve never dated her in the first place? How could she forget so easily that I walked away from her because of this very reason? Why would I disrupt that? Why would I allow myself to be in a situation that would not only hurt her kids, but ultimately myself? I felt so railroaded by her last two visits. It was grossly unfair and disrespectful to all we¡¯ve shared, and all I¡¯ve ever felt for her. I only allowed myself to fall so in love with her because I trusted she would promise to be with me if she fell in love with me. If I knew she was willing to live with her husband¡¯s four separate infidelities seventeen months ago, I would¡¯ve never gotten involved. I felt she should¡¯ve disclosed so much more to me in the beginning than she did. It was her duty to tell me she still had sex with him on a regular basis, and that she still slept in the same bed. That the infidelities never bothered her enough to redesign her sleeping arrangements¡ªas if she had forgiven him. That she was still there because mothers sacrifice their own happiness for kids, and not because she didn¡¯t want to burden anyone with her baggage. That her circle of friends in high places was everything to her. That losing seventy five percent of her friends if she left him was too much to risk. That her own mother even sacrificed her happiness for her. After all I went through with Denise, there was no way I¡¯d put myself in the same position with someone who seemed to not know what love was at all, especially a married woman.

    I felt betrayed¡ªas if my life meant nothing to her. She decided instead to punish and hurt the man who truly appreciated her rather than the man who had a history of abusing her. When she used the word ¡°scary¡± I didn¡¯t understand how she could be scared of a man she claimed to love enough to dream about her marriage to him. Love was an emotion and she had no right to deny something she gave to me. I never screamed nor even cursed at her. I never threw my phone against the wall or anything that would put her in any state of reasonable fear. I was only hurt and her love was the band-aid. I only wanted her to show me she loved me as much as she said she did. As much as she did in San Diego.

    The situation is what unsettled me, and I refused to let her inconsistency chip away at my heart. My feelings never changed only because I wanted to give her a chance to prove me wrong¡ªblaming the situation that led to her dishonesty. I tried to understand her predicament, but I found it unfair to judge me for my emotions within it, while another man, if she left Jackson, would never have to deal with a situation like I did. She should only judge me when she removed the situation that drove my wild emotions. I didn¡¯t believe the breakdowns I had emotionally and the manner in which I presented my feelings to her were entirely excusable. I just felt I was being unfairly judged by her for them as if she were free to love. Over the span of our relationship, she told me many heavy things, but how real could all those things be if she wasn¡¯t willing to be on my doorstep the minute she left Jackson? She told me she would run to me if she ever left him, but now she needed time to determine if she wanted to be with me? Yet I was the contradictory one? This was a perfect example why I lost it emotionally whenever she said things inconsistent with the things she said and did that rendered me completely vulnerable because I trusted her with my life. She even told me that she had ¡°real thoughts of leaving¡±. When I say things that show I want to be with her, why would she ever fight me if her real thoughts of leaving were true? I had never felt so lost.

    As the waves continued to crash on the rocks before me, and more seaweed was spread about, my phone began to vibrate.

    ANYA: ¡°What r u up to?¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m at Royal Palms, it¡¯s a parking spot off the coast. It¡¯s near my parent¡¯s house so I¡¯m thinking about going to see my mom afterwards. I¡¯m just thinking about what you told me today.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Don¡¯t be sad. Just wanted u to know what I was feeling. Have a good evening. Hello to ur mom.¡±

    ME: ¡°Ok. I will. You have a good evening too.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Take me to Royal Palms one day?¡±

    ME: ¡°I would love to.¡±

    I then put my phone away as I felt her text was thoughtful but also sincere¡ªsent probably out of boredom at home. What she told me was something someone she loved should never have to hear, let alone ever have to feel. She discounted every single moment and feeling I ever had with her and I felt she had cheated on me. The hard truth of the matter was if she truly loved me the way I loved her, she would¡¯ve never felt the need to tell me what she did. As I looked out upon the ocean, I was now on the cusp of losing all I ever loved and worked so hard for. The entire week, I hoped this vacation would reconnect us, instead Anya¡¯s words disconnected me enough to regret we ever met. I didn¡¯t want to give her any grief about this as it would only be perceived as pressure. All I could do was deposit my grief into my vault of heartbreak.

    When I left Royal Palms, I decided to just go home, and not burden my mother who fought her own source of sadness. It would only worry her and I didn¡¯t want to give her the impression Anya and I were having problems¡ªespecially after I told Anya my mom knew who she was. I didn¡¯t hear from Anya the rest of the night, and after her words that day, I refused to ever initiate another text with her, as the last thing I wanted to do now was ¡°scare¡± her.

    The next day, I didn¡¯t hear from Anya until ten the next morning, and if I hadn¡¯t heard from her, she wouldn¡¯t have heard from me.

    ANYA: ¡°Good morning!¡±

    I was always happy to hear from her, but when she just said ¡°Good morning!¡± on a Saturday, I contemplated whether or not to respond because the only man who cared enough to dry her tears, didn¡¯t want to frighten her any further.

    ME: ¡°Good morning!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Did you visit your mom last night?¡±

    ME: ¡°I did. She said hello to you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ur an angel¡±

    I didn¡¯t have the heart to tell her I didn¡¯t go see her as I didn¡¯t want her to feel responsible for it. I don¡¯t know what Anya¡¯s definition of an ¡°angel¡± was, but I guess even an ¡°angel¡± frightened her these days. I didn¡¯t hear from her for most of the day, so I decided to drive around a little bit to get her silence off my mind, and how empty she left me to feel. At around four that afternoon, she sent me a text that prompted me to pull my car over so I could read it.

    ANYA: ¡°Today¡¯s the 2<sup>nd</sup>. It would be 2 years next month! I heard Sonoma¡¯s was packed w/young kids in their 20¡¯s! Yikes!¡±

    ME: ¡°Hard to believe! That¡¯s really hard to believe about Sonoma¡¯s too! A total 360. What r u up to?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°On my way to the game!¡±

    ME: ¡°Ok. I hope you can enjoy the game.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I miss u.¡±You might be reading a stolen copy. Visit Royal Road for the authentic version.

    ME: ¡°Miss u, too.¡±

    Her texts did make me feel a little less empty, as I decided to drive home and end my aimless Saturday afternoon drive. When I got home, I knew I had to get out of my apartment on this long night as the silence overwhelmed me enough to pressure her if I didn¡¯t. I decided to visit Sonoma¡¯s to see how the remodel looked and if what Anya said about the new crowd was true. As I pulled into the parking lot, my phone¡¯s red light blinked¡ªa message from Anya awaited me.

    ANYA: ¡°How was your day?¡±

    I felt if I received a text message from her on this night, it would only be sent to say ¡°goodnight¡±. Instead it seemed like she wanted to talk.

    ME: ¡°It was good. How was yours? Did Andrew¡¯s team win?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Good. Yes, they did!¡±

    When an exclamation point failed to follow her ¡°good¡±, I knew we both had just ¡°ok¡± days. I just didn¡¯t want to give her grief about this, but I had an especially hard day if it culminated in me wanting to get out to the apartment to visit a place I could really care less about. I just didn¡¯t know where else to go with my pain.

    ME: ¡°That¡¯s good! Happy for Andrew!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I think so! Staying in tonite?¡±

    An odd thing happened; in the last seventeen months together, not one single time had Anya ever asked me on a Saturday night if I planned to stay in or not. It made me hope she spotted me outside and wanted to say hello. I also started to believe she began to regret what she told me, as she seemed somewhat afraid to lose me, the Anya I always trusted in. At that moment, I had to tell her where I was even though I now felt strong enough to return home to catch up on the sleep I missed the prior evening.

    ME: ¡°I think I need to get out of my apartment tonite.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Mom¡¯s?¡±

    ME: ¡°Not tonight. I¡¯m going to check out the new Sonoma¡¯s.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Should be interesting.¡±

    ME: ¡°Did Carolyn or Debbie tell you that it was packed with young kids?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°No some other friends did.¡±

    ME: ¡°Friends you¡¯ve met there before or other friends you know who hang out there?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Not friends just people I know.¡±

    ME: ¡°I see.¡±

    Her texts made me wonder if Anya knew as many people who went to Sonoma¡¯s as often as Mitch did. It only left me to wonder who these ¡°people¡± were, as I thought I¡¯d know more about Sonoma¡¯s happenings than she did.

    ANYA: ¡°Better say goodnight! Have fun and be careful. I love u.¡±

    ME: ¡°Thanks. Have a goodnight! Love u too.¡±

    On a night I missed her the most, it was nice to hear from her. After I noticed our office was left untouched, I couldn¡¯t stomach the inside of the newly remodeled Sonoma¡¯s for more than twenty minutes before I left as I also witnessed what I was faced with if I ever lost her. After I received her uninitiated ¡°I love u¡± text, she seemed to be regretful for what she said to me the other day. I got the feeling she knew what she said was contradictory, and I loved her too much to punish her. Her thoughtfulness allowed me to quickly fall asleep as a text from her awaited me when I woke up the next day.

    ANYA: ¡°Good morning! So how was it?¡±

    ME: ¡°Good morning! It was ok.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°How long did you stay?¡±

    ME: ¡°About twenty minutes.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Was it any different? Office still there? SE?¡±

    ME: ¡°Our office is still there! The only changes I saw was that they added some more flat screens and put in a couple of new booths where the tables used to be along the windows. They reupholstered all the booths. I didn¡¯t see SE¡­so I¡¯d have to say the place has seen an improvement.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Hmmm¡±

    Her ¡°hmmm¡± response I couldn¡¯t entirely decipher but if she thought I¡¯d be there more often with him, she couldn¡¯t be more wrong about anything in her life. Most men she knew made no secret they liked younger women, but I preferred women like Anya as I had nothing in common with the younger women who now were patrons of Sonomas. I also wasn¡¯t a predator like her husband who dated a teenager after he hit his thirties. The one thing that would surely lead me to pressure Anya is if she ever confused her husband with me¡ªthere was no comparison. If I allowed her to compare him to me to justify his behavior, as if he made small errors in judgment, I could never feel more betrayed by her. Especially when I knew the only reason she justified his behavior was because of his money, and the potential loss of her image in the eyes of the seventy five percent of fake friends she feared to lose.

    ME: ¡°What are you thinking?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Oh nothing.¡±

    ME: ¡°Tell me babe. What r u thinking?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Nothing really. What r u up to today?¡±

    ME: ¡°I have some errands to run. Typical catch up weekend. What r u up to today? Were you able to get the strawberry stain off your blouse?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Oh it¡¯s in my laundry basket to take in. I¡¯m sure they will get it out. Thx for asking. At temple for Andrew¡¯s Bar Mitzvah meeting.¡±

    ME: ¡°Is he having his Bar Mitzvah on July 4<sup>th</sup>? The day of his birthday?¡±

    I didn¡¯t hear back from Anya after this text I sent her until several hours later.

    ANYA: ¡°Good memory! Yes 4<sup>th</sup> of July but boys have theirs at 13. Close though! Whatcha doin? Ready for tomorrow?¡±

    I responded back quickly, but I still wondered what her ¡°oh nothing¡± text meant. Did her

    silence have something to do with her slow response? Even if things didn¡¯t work out for us, the last thing I planned to do was go back to Sonomas. My heart and mind would be in no shape to go and secondly, I was nothing like her husband and not attracted to women younger by a decade or more. If I lost Anya, I would be more likely to be found at the top of a marine green suspension bridge in the Port of Los Angeles than inside Sonomas listening to Mitch patting himself on the back.

    I didn¡¯t hear back from her for the rest of that evening, and even though it still hurt, I started to expect her inconsistency. She didn¡¯t even return my ¡°I love you¡± or ¡°I miss you¡± at times now because I questioned if she truly did. She wanted me to understand her but she seemed to not understand how her silence made me feel unsafe, and how the things she said during her last two visits left me to question her love. She also had a way of showing her love in ways I never saw coming that made me believe she did love me. I struggled to find the balance between those two feelings though because her silence ruled most of the time these days. She would go silent, I¡¯d question her love, she¡¯d then ask to see me, I¡¯d get my mind back on track only to be hit with ¡°I don¡¯t want to share my kids¡± and ¡°I would need some time to think about dating you if I left my marriage¡±. Things that only confirmed the doubts I felt. I¡¯d rather her just rip my heart out of my chest, admit she fell out of love with me, so I wouldn¡¯t have to wonder. Instead, she let me get caught in the vortex of her love.

    How come she only looked at how ¡°scary¡± it was for her? Couldn¡¯t she see how ¡°scary¡± it could be for me that someone who claimed to hope, wish and dream of being with me for the last seventeen months would need time to figure out if she even wanted to be with me? It almost felt as if she thought I should¡¯ve known better than to date a married woman with kids and punished me for it. It felt as if she said to me ¡°you knew I was married with kids from the beginning and how dare you put me in the position to promise to be with you and want me to hurt my kids!¡± and ¡°you knew I was married with kids from the beginning so this is a gift I¡¯m giving you!¡± Since it didn¡¯t fit her narrative, she conveniently forgot all she told me that brought me here. She held on to the things she decided to be honest about after I fell deeply in love with her. Those were the things she wanted me to pay attention to and what held all the weight. As if I could only hold her to things she felt at this time, and not a single thing she did or said that allowed and encouraged me to be so in love with her. As much as it unsettled me to believe she was the kind of person to love so recklessly¡ªif she did love me with any intent to be true to the things she said and did that allowed me to feel all this pain and sadness, she really did ruin my life.

    When the next day arrived, I felt out of sorts¡ªabandoned by the person I trusted to be honest with me from the beginning about the pain I had to feel today. As her silence continued, I didn¡¯t know what to do with the turmoil she left me to feel within. It¡¯s almost like she purposely wanted to break me down emotionally. Not that I wanted to kill anyone or to boil Suki in a pot, but this had to be similar to what Glenn Close¡¯s character felt in ¡°A Fatal Attraction¡± because the pain and loneliness was so great, a huge part of me wanted the truth to be known. The difference was though, I didn¡¯t want to take it out on Anya, but on Jackson. I blamed him for the way she misled me to believe she would leave him when we first mer. He inspired her by his actions and inactions throughout their entire marriage, an entity I felt should be shut down like a company plant that pollutes the environment regardless of the jobs its employees lost. I saw their marriage as a prop to make money, and not a union of sanctity. Jackson didn¡¯t even respect the sanctity of marriage when he cheated on his pregnant wife with a married woman, so why did his marriage deserve any respect? If there was a God, and Jackson broke the vows made to Him more than once, then how could God be against me when I only armed myself with love and the truth? The more Jackson¡¯s behavior was positively reinforced, the more people would lay in the wake of their marriage

    When I didn¡¯t hear from her in the morning, I texted Anya in the afternoon to try and quiet the demon who sought to destroy us.

    ANYA: ¡°Have a nice day at work! Btw the girls and I had a round table discussion and decided to go forward with Cabo.¡±

    ME: ¡°That¡¯s great! Sounds like fun! I love you!¡±

    I feigned my positive response to generate positive energy between us, but when she didn¡¯t return my ¡°I love you.¡¯ I felt more lost than ever, as I tried desperately to silence my mind. A few hours later I texted her again to see how she was.

    ANYA: ¡°Good! Just getting caught up! I miss u!¡±

    ME: ¡°I miss u too! I got spoiled on my vacation week seeing you so much!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I know! Oh well you¡¯ll just have to take more time off!¡±

    I started to pick up the possibility Anya wanted our relationship to morph from one of love to just one of lust¡ªdevoid of all emotions and feelings. I felt I had to morph into a dishonest person to save myself from a devastating heartbreak. That I even had to hide my true feelings from her¡ªor lose her. If she truly felt all I did, I didn¡¯t understand how she summoned the strength, especially if she ever had any intentions of leaving her marriage. The truth was, I shouldn¡¯t have had to take a vacation to see her, if she could go to Cabo with the girls. I couldn¡¯t even feel she didn¡¯t love me because this may have been a way for her to get away so she could feel close to me, even if we were in two different places. What was her incentive to ever leave her marriage though if Jackson allowed her this much freedom to act as if she were single? It felt as if she knew all along that she would never leave her marriage. That she loved me so well only so I¡¯d have a hard time hating her if she never left, something it seemed she planned to do anyway. Nowadays, it seemed like she didn¡¯t care if she ever heard from me as I had to text her just to stay in touch. When I text her that evening after I got off of work, her response surprised me.

    ANYA: ¡°Going to the Lakers game. U?¡±

    Not just ¡°a Lakers game¡± but a Lakers playoff game. Game one of the series against the Houston Rockets. Would she have told me this if I hadn¡¯t texted her? This was a perfect example of how she claimed to be an honest person, but she was only honest when prompted to be. I could only look at this with positive energy though because the truth was this¡ªAnya didn¡¯t care for basketball until she met me and after she knew my mother was a Lakers fan. Although I felt slighted because I don¡¯t know who she attended the game with, I didn¡¯t understand why she didn¡¯t tell me about it. Was it because she didn¡¯t text me the entire day but had time to plan a Lakers game?

    ME: ¡°Very cool! Have a great time! Why didn¡¯t you tell me?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yea I told u I¡¯m afraid to tell u things sometimes.¡±

    Was it better to let me wonder? I didn¡¯t want her to have to walk on eggshells around me, but she caused that as much as I did. Then again, I didn¡¯t tell her I was going to Sonomas the other night and when she texted me is when she found out I did. I had to be fair to her too. I had to remember sporting events had a spontaneous nature at times.

    ME: ¡°You can tell me. I don¡¯t want you to feel that way. I¡¯m sorry.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Glad I can tell u.¡±

    I had no one else to blame but myself for the way she felt. It was hard though, to be at home by myself, unable to move because I missed her so damn much, while her life didn¡¯t miss a beat. It wasn¡¯t that I wanted her to feel as paralyzed as I did, but her love crippled me, and that wasn¡¯t right if mothers made sacrifices for their kids. If my heart had to be sacrificed, I wanted her kids by her side twenty-four seven.

    I watched the game on TV with the hope I¡¯d see her, but had no idea where she was seated. At halftime, I sent her a text.

    ME: ¡°I hope you¡¯re having a good time! Looks like it¡¯s going to go down to the wire.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Thank you! Xo!¡±

    I didn¡¯t know who she was with and since I didn¡¯t expect to hear back from her, I decided not to send her another text. He text read ¡°I¡¯m scared of you, now.¡± so what would be her incentive to text me back? All I could do was imagine all the people she allowed to be around her with no fear, while she left me with a ton of feelings for her just to be left alone with them.

    ANYA: ¡°I so miss u.¡±

    After I read her text, I didn¡¯t know what inspired her change of heart, but it lifted me up from the dead as my heart shook off its own ashes.

    ME: ¡°I miss you very much.¡±

    Her texts rejuvenated me, as the Anya I knew and loved rose from the dead. I then put my trust back in her love once again, and abandoned my negative thoughts in the graveyard of mistrust. She even sent me a text as she left the game¡ªone the Lakers lost.

    ANYA: ¡°I love u. Just leaving Staples.¡±

    I didn¡¯t know what brought on her change in attitude. Did she see couples kissing on cam or watched couples together at the game? Was it because I didn¡¯t give her any pressure? Or did she want to go to Lakers playoff game to feel close to me? Or maybe she had too many drinks at the game? Whatever it was, I needed any positive energy from her to find me, and it did.

    Although I felt lost, my love for Anya never wavered¡ªI still had my eye on the prize. I wanted to trust in her love and believe her. I wanted to be wrong about my negative feelings, and give her the chance to prove me wrong on all of them. I also knew I had to repair what remained of our relationship, although the situation made it difficult to do so. I felt if I didn¡¯t though, if I didn¡¯t fight back the negative energy, I¡¯d let her down, and fail her even when the reality was that she failed me. I didn¡¯t want to believe she failed me, but I also couldn¡¯t ignore the possibility. Although her insensitive comments from her last visit rattled me deeply, I refused to be pulled off life support as I tried to look inwards more than outward¡ªto see where I failed her more than she failed me. My heart wasn¡¯t willing to accept that Anya loved herself more than she loved me, especially not after the hope she gave me at the game. I imagined how many events we could accompany each other to, beyond sporting events, as I would want to do things that made her happy regardless of what they were. I knew the kind of love we had for each other was one that made concessions to each other, that crossed the bridge of compromise, because the common interests were there because of the love we had for each other.

    The next morning, I texted her early after her sweet heartfelt texts at the game filled me with so much adrenaline, I couldn¡¯t sleep anyway.

    ME: ¡°You got to see a great game last night! Did you have fun?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I know!!! Yes, I did thx! I thought about how fun it would be to go see a game with you!¡±

    Anya¡¯s consideration left me with such a huge smile on my face I could¡¯ve tore a muscle in my jaw. This did leave one concern however¡­would she want to see a game with me as her husband or boyfriend, or just as a friend? After what she told me the other day. I didn¡¯t know the answer to a question I thought I always knew the answer to.

    I texted her later in the day to see how her day was going on Cinco De Mayo.

    ANYA: ¡°Was just thinking about u! Just picked up my book club book for Cabo! No not ready yet. Wish u were going!¡±

    The Anya that greeted me on this day, was the Anya I met almost two years ago. the one that bleed herself into me that I trusted my life with like she trusted me with hers. The Anya that couldn¡¯t help it because she loved me and had every intention to be with me. Not the Anya who I felt at times misled me only, so she could feel love again. I only wanted to believe in the former so badly, I took here every word at face value since the value of her love equated to the same as the air around me. I started to imagine her hand in mine as we read books from our own club we formed, as we tanned together on a Cabo beach. One of many beaches I wished I could go with her to. As her beauty shone through as bright as the Cabo sun, I felt secure enough to try and make her feel safe with her words and the things she did so we could live the Cabo dream together one day.

    ME: ¡°I wish I was going with you too, babe. You don¡¯t have to if you don¡¯t want to, but I would like for you to try to feel like you don¡¯t have to walk on eggshells with me anymore. I¡¯ll look at things more positively. I felt really bad last night that you felt you couldn¡¯t tell me that you were going to the Lakers game. It¡¯s hard to explain how I feel sometimes. I just miss you so much it gets the best of me sometimes, but I want you to be you because I love that part of you too. Please just know wherever you go I just wish I could be there with you. It doesn¡¯t matter where.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I don¡¯t want to hurt you anymore.¡±

    I didn¡¯t want Anya to feel she hurt me whenever she went somewhere with her friends or the things she had to do for or with her kids, even in a family setting. I denied her a good time in Mammoth with the girls, and I didn¡¯t want to repeat the same mistake when she went to Cabo. I wanted her to do what she wanted without worrying how I feel. If she denied Jackson and didn¡¯t go out of her way for him, something that would show him she still loved him unless it benefited the kids, then I could stomach the things she did. She had to show me that she understood, I wouldn¡¯t be in her life if she told me she still loved her husband, and that my life has been affected by that. When she chose to fall in love with me, all because I trusted her to do the right thing if she did, she also chose me, not him.

    ME: ¡°Going to a Lakers game shouldn¡¯t hurt me. I let it hurt me and it¡¯s not your fault. I¡¯m going to look at things in a different light and I¡¯ll be a stronger man for it. Of course, it¡¯s your decision but I don¡¯t want you to feel you have to tread lightly.¡±

    In essence, my motivation was to subconsciously close the gap between us so chose an honest path with me. She couldn¡¯t be afraid to hurt me because I expected honesty from her even if it caused me to never trust love again. The last thing I wanted her to do was love me like she did her kids. I didn¡¯t need to be put in a bubble and shielded from the world. I needed to know so I could make good decisions based on facts and not feelings. I also didn¡¯t want her to think suicide was an option for me. If she thought I¡¯d kill myself over us, she would never tell me the truth about anything, even the things I needed to know. If I ever took my life, it wouldn¡¯t be her fault at all and only my destiny, designed by the universe. She could only be a player, and not the cause. She claimed she loved me as much as I loved her, and I trusted she not only knew what love was but it¡¯s value to me¡ªas I gave up my best years in life for her.

    I checked in with her again when I got home from work, to see if she was all packed for the trip.

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m so not ready!¡±

    ME: ¡°Wish I could help you, babe!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Thank you!¡±

    Since Anya never initiated a text on this day, I felt I prevented her from packing by texting her so I stopped. I guess I feared if I didn¡¯t text her, I¡¯d never hear from her. I did find it odd that Jackson let her go to Cabo with her friends, if he knew she was going. I knew it was Mother¡¯s Day weekend so maybe this was his gift to her? Maybe he planned to be with her there for a day or two with the kids? Or maybe the time share was theirs and this is what she told me? How come he wouldn¡¯t be concerned I could be there with her? He let her go to both Mammoth and now Cabo without any pushback at all? Wouldn¡¯t she be more open to the twenty questions she didn¡¯t want after a trip to Cabo with the girls? Did she threaten divorce if he didn¡¯t let her? How could he trust her if he knew she has a relationship with me? She was going to a known party town and left the kids with him yet he didn¡¯t say a single word about it? The only other logical conclusion I could come up with was he allowed her to go because it was Mother¡¯s Day weekend. It¡¯s possible Anya did the same thing for him on Father¡¯s Day and maybe they had an agreement to take the kids off of each other¡¯s hands those days. It¡¯s the only thing I could come up with that made any sense considering Jackson¡¯s mistrust of her.

    When the morning arrived, I wanted to make sure she knew I loved her before she left.

    ME: ¡°Have a safe flight babe! I love you!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Thank you! On my way! I love you!¡±

    I figured she had an early flight out, and I didn¡¯t want to bug her as she ran around and communicated back and forth to her kids if she needed to. At five minutes past nine that morning, Anya sent me a text.

    ANYA: ¡°Waiting to board.¡±

    ME: ¡°Oh really? I thought you¡¯d be half way to Cabo by now! Is your flight delayed?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°No not delayed. Just had to make several stops to pick up all the girls. Have to admit the girls made me drink Bloody Mary¡¯s! So much pressure!¡±

    ME: ¡°That¡¯s the perfect way to start a trip to Cabo! Wish I could be boarding the plane with you!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Me too!¡±

    I let a half hour pass before I texted her again to send her off much closer to her actual take-off time.

    ME: ¡°Have you boarded yet? If so, have a nice flight. Please let me know when you get there. I love you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Um yea just boarded and almost missed last boarding! Thank you! Will let u know when we land. Love u!¡±

    A few hours later, she made good on her promise.

    ANYA: ¡°Made it! On our way to hotel!¡±

    When I got word she landed, I felt better knowing she was now on the ground. A couple of hours later, she texted me again.

    ANYA: ¡°Sorry to say but hanging by the pool now drinking Coronas and eating chips! Going to gain some lbs on this trip!¡±

    ME: ¡°Ahhhh! I feel like one of Pavlov¡¯s dogs, my mouth is watering! Sounds so relaxing! You deserve it! Enjoy yourself!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Wish you were here! So beautiful!¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry, no offense to the beauty you¡¯re surrounded by, but you can¡¯t fool me. No place on this earth can be more beautiful than you in my eyes. Wish I was there too! Miss u!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Awww I miss u!¡±

    There¡¯s the ¡°awww¡± that I longed for, as I could tell whenever she was away from home, I received the Anya I fell in love with. I couldn¡¯t blame her for not being in the mood for romance when her kids were around but I missed this Anya, my Anya, and I needed her. Here texts reminded me of the ones she sent me at the same time last year, when she went to Laguna Beach. It brought me back to the night at Mozambique when I fell in love with her all over again the minute, I saw her. That¡¯s how I felt each time I saw Anya; I just fell in love again each and every time. There were a couple of differences between Cabo and Laguna Beach, we were much farther away from each other, and I wasn¡¯t invited.

    When I got home from work I sulked on my couch as the reality of my loneliness punched me square in the gut as I felt an uneasiness in the pit of my stomach. It¡¯s the loneliness I couldn¡¯t control as I wondered if this trip would be anything like Mammoth¡ªwhen she she was surrounded by men. It also made me fearful that Carolyn¡¯s beau may have been there with them, and that¡¯s maybe why Anya kept in touch with me. My low self-esteem was vicious to both Anya and myself sometimes, an entity I hoped Anya¡¯s love had obliterated by now. I felt the chance of me not hearing from her, were much greater now than when she was in Mammoth because of the way I left her unsettled since her trip to Mammoth. It wouldn¡¯t have surprised me if I didn¡¯t hear from her at all, but when I noticed the red light pulsated on my phone, Anya had plans to prove me wrong.

    ANYA: ¡°I miss u.¡±

    When I read her text, I began to tear up as it just meant everything to me to hear from her. To know I was on her mind as much as she was on mine. I felt much like King Kong must have felt when Ann was back in his sight, at total peace with the world.

    ME: ¡°I miss u too.¡±

    After this text, Anya sent me short texts to convey not only where she was, but also how she felt¡ªeven though she was out on the town with the girls.

    ANYA: ¡°Ghost town!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Soul mates¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Beat! Going to bed! Nite nite!¡±

    After her texts, For the second night in a row, I went from being shipwrecked to being rescued as I fell asleep comfortable on my couch into a world of sweet dreams until Thursday morning arrived. The new day did bring with it some trepidation however as I feared how my heart would handle her silence while she danced the night away in Cabo with her friends. The next morning, I texted her to get an idea of what to expect.

    ANYA: ¡°U can walk everywhere. We¡¯re going to a fun place I¡¯ve been to b4 called ¡°The Office¡± for food now! Have a good day! I love you!¡±

    The day brought with it at least enough hope to get me through the morning. As much as it hurt, I couldn¡¯t be with her. I was happy Anya got to go out and enjoy her life. I think it was something Jackson gave her, probably an agreement they made after he cheated on her, to keep the peace between them. I¡¯m sure he gave her this too because it was difficult to spend time with her because of his business and political aspirations. It was done to make sure she remained engaged and happy in the marriage, probably for the sake of the kids. I don¡¯t think he took over duties to watch them while she was away, but probably hired a nanny to drive them to and from their activities. She deserved the time away from the kids and her usual duties, and if I were her husband, I¡¯d let her do the same even though I¡¯d never cheat on her. I¡¯d want her to be happy too and I¡¯d want to show her I trusted her. When she said she didn¡¯t want to share custody though, I didn¡¯t see much of a difference between that and trips to Mammoth and Cabo. I¡¯m sure she had the same amount of control of her kids if she went on these trips with shared custody. Throw in the neighbor parties, the time the kids spent with their friends and the nanny, and any other things she did without the kids in tow, and it had to come close to fifty percent custody anyway. I think that¡¯s why her words hurt me so much, beyond her lack of full disclosure when we reconnected.

    As the day lingered on at a sloth-like pace, Anya texted me out of the blue.

    ANYA: ¡°hola!¡±

    ME: ¡°hola! Como esta, hermosa?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Good! It¡¯s soooooo hot here! Did u get the email?¡±

    ME: ¡°I didn¡¯t know you sent me one. Let me check!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Carolyn did from her fone. She sent it to your personal email.¡±

    I got up to close my office door and then seconds later I was signed in to my regular email to track down what Carolyn sent. As I went through my inbox, it was nice to know it seemed Carolyn still held me in high regard. When I didn¡¯t see it in my inbox, I began to panic. I then remembered Carolyn had never emailed me before and since Outlook didn¡¯t recognize it as coming from a safe source, it more than likely got sent to my spam email inbox. Sure enough, there it was as it contained an attachment within. I opened the email and then waited a minute for the attachment to upload, a jpeg file. When the file opened on my screen, a could do nothing but smile as it revealed a picture of Anya in the water, from a distance, in her bikini. The sun shone directly upon her wet and tan body. As I stared at her as if she stood before me, I recalled the same magic I felt when we were on ¡°our beach¡± as her beauty never betrayed her in my eyes. I wanted to superimpose a picture of me next to her, but all I could do was imagine it as I lacked photoshopping skills. I then noticed the attachment contained three pictures. Another picture of the same pose was attached but at a closer distance, and then another picture with her and the girls in their bikinis in a more intimate up close. I loved Anya¡¯s fashion sense as much as I loved anything else about her as it even showed in the bikini she wore with its gold rings on her blue bikini top. I got so caught up in her beauty, I didn¡¯t even care who took the shot of the group as I¡¯m sure they attracted the attention of guys since they all looked great. Her skin looked so golden and soft, I imagined it upon on mine and got aroused.

    Anya was by far the beauty of the entire group of attractive women. I admired all of their tenacious spirits¡ªtheir ¡°work hard play hard¡± approach and how they embraced life even in marriages that left them feeling empty and unappreciated. To think they deserved more from their marriages than they received, my heart broke for them, but none no more than Anya. I could¡¯ve made Anya feel like a weekend away from home was never necessary the way I would appreciate her if was given a tenth of the chance to love her that Jackson got. They may have met and married men who were unfaithful to them¡ªso much so it led them to believe it was the norm in our society, but Anya showed me why love, respect and trust were imperative in a marriage. After I wiped the tears away from the happiness her pics gave me, I texted Anya to let her know I received them.

    ME: ¡°Look like you¡¯re all having a good time! You even have a sense for fashion when you wear a bikini! You look absolutely spectacular babe. It¡¯s hard to believe I wish I could be there with you more than I do. I miss you. I love you. Thank Carolyn for the beautiful pictures for me.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Thank you babe. I miss you. I love you.¡±

    After all we¡¯ve been through, and all she told me just a couple of days ago, it felt better to know she felt comfortable enough to send me a bikini pic¡ªa sign of trust. The pictures suggested that she wanted to give me a chance to repair what was chipped away. When my workday ended and the moon governed the sky, I texted Anya to see how she was doing. I couldn¡¯t wait to save the JPEG file to my desktop computer at home so I could view it privately. Although I didn¡¯t hear back from her after she sent the pics, I at least had her pics to help with the heart ache I felt. Since she was in a foreign country, one that was hostile to Americans at times, I hoped to touch bases to know she was okay. The thought of losing her and being unable to hold, feel or talk to her again, made me nauseous. After four hours passed, I worried to the point I couldn¡¯t even eat. If this was even slightly what my mother felt over the years with me and my disregard to her worries, it was major payback. Just before ten p.m. though, the universe decided to let me off the hook.

    ANYA: ¡°Hi! We had dinner up in the hills called Frida¡¯s and didn¡¯t have any reception! Just came out of the woods and in civilization! How r u?¡±

    When Anya told me she just came out of the ¡°woods¡±, I couldn¡¯t tell if she was in Forks, Washington or Cabo San Lucas. I couldn¡¯t help but feel like Edward did in the ¡°Twilight¡± series¡ªwas my Bella with Jacob? Once she told me she was at ¡°Frida¡¯s¡± however, she went to a level of detail she didn¡¯t need to as it seemed I worried for nothing.

    ME: ¡°Oh babe! I¡¯m just happy you¡¯re alive! I thought something might have happened to you! I thought you were still at ¡°The Office¡±. How was Frida¡¯s?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ha ha! Alive! Totally safe! I promise! Just for breakfast. Frida¡¯s was sooo romantic! Of course I missed u! They had a Mexican singer and she sang Toda Una Vida.¡±

    ME: ¡°OMG babe. I wish I could have been with you. I love that song for obvious reasons. That sounds so romantic I¡¯m dying. I miss you so much right now!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I sooooooooooo miss u!¡±

    ME: ¡°You know I¡¯m always with you in some shape or form. I love you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I love you!¡±

    Her love for me was all I needed to know. If I had felt this from her in Mammoth, I would¡¯ve never given her any grief. Even if guys were around them on this night, it wouldn¡¯t have mattered to me because I knew ¡°Toda Una Vida¡± belonged to us, and that was nothing no one could take from me. If she associated me with that song, then I knew no man could ever get close enough to her for me to be sad or worry about anything. It was not just a song to us, but a moment that deeply connected us. Thanks to Cabo, Frida¡¯s, and even Carolyn, I had my romantic partner back, my beautiful Anya¡ªaway from the chaos and pull from home. Her texts made me wish she could go on trips with the girls every weekend.

    I thought of all the trips she took with the girls over the course of our relationship. Laguna Beach, Palm Springs, Mammoth Mountain, and now Cabo San Lucas, and how each of those trips she stayed connected to me, and even looked forward to them so she could. I didn¡¯t want to ruin her Cabo trip with a heart that ached for her, as she fed me the love I sought to feel from her. Before she responded to my text, I sat in an empty space on my couch with the television on, but with nobody truly home. I couldn¡¯t tell you a single thing that came on the stationary screen as my heart ached in wonder and despair. That all changed in an instant the second she revealed she missed me, and how the whole time I ruled her romantic thoughts. It also showed how vulnerable I had become and how I was at the mercy of her mind, heart and fingertips. If that didn¡¯t scare a human being or render them helpless, nothing ever could.

    For a singer at Frida¡¯s, a venue that served minimal portions, to sing a song of such romantic proportions had to come from a higher power. A song that only brought us closer and elicited emotions because of the sheer value of what that particular song meant to both of us. A song that brought her back to the time when our love knew no bounds at a time I desperately needed the universe¡¯s intervention. Through Anya, the universe whispered in my ear, ¡°let me handle this¡± as it seemed to say, ¡°if you¡¯re not going to believe, let me touch her heart in another spot for you to see if I can help you with that¡±. When she shared things like this with me, it made me regret my thoughts when I became frustrated and would question her love for me. At times, I could hear my father calling me ¡°a failure¡± and if I failed here, I would never have a leg to stand on. At times like this, I couldn¡¯t help believing in our love as much as Anya couldn¡¯t help the choice to be in a relationship with me regardless of the kids, and the sacrifices mothers make. I wanted Frida¡¯s someday with her. I wanted to have a minimal dinner and dance with her while the entertainer sang ¡°Toda Una Vida¡±. Those specific dreams would make it even tougher on me¡ªto know I had this great love with someone yet I couldn¡¯t fully embrace all I felt¡ªthat I couldn¡¯t love her the way I wanted to, and the way I deserved to. This was the kind love I always believed in since I was a kid. A love I envisioned for myself and waited for as many nights I spent with a pillow in my arms instead of the one I waited for. I waited my entire life for what I had with Anya, yet here it was beyond my grasp. How could this be?

    Although my love for Anya did not chip away, my belief in love did. It made me at times want to disrupt her marriage in any way I possibly could. To make it too hard for Jackson to bear that he had no choice but to let her go. I didn¡¯t want to hurt her though, and if I confronted Jackson, it would do just that. I had to convince myself she was not in love with him, and after all we¡¯ve shared, she would never love him again. How could she possibly love him after all the abuse? Did his money make everything right in her eyes? That the things he bought the kids was enough to resolve the damage he did to her? Even after she chose to encourage me to fall deeply in love with her? I trusted, she couldn¡¯t love Jackson again because she knew what existed out there for her now, a love beyond forever far out of the reach of Jackson¡¯s control of her. How could she ever love a man who loved her over one who only loved himself? He may have her in the physical sense, but to women, it¡¯s not what mattered the most. If she heard the song ¡°Toda Una Vida¡± anywhere, even with Jackson on a dinner date, she would always and only think of me. This is the monster Jackson could not defeat, It¡¯s the thing he couldn¡¯t control and would never know of¡ªher thoughts.

    Anya continued to text me on this night as it reminded me of the time she spent in Palm Springs, and I loved every second.

    ME: ¡°Hey, when are you going to send me more pics? I love you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I love u! If I keep up the chips and salsa and beer no pics!¡±

    ME: ¡°Please don¡¯t think that way. You always look beautiful! I love you, you know.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°K when we get back to the time share I¡¯ll have Carolyn send it again cuz she took them on her fone.¡±

    ME: ¡°Thank you babe! Have fun! Be careful!¡±

    I tried to avoid a repeat of what I did in Mammoth and as I didn¡¯t want to take her away from the girls. I really didn¡¯t think I¡¯d hear back from her as I prepared myself for that possibility and decided to write in my journal to feel close to her. Little did I know, I wouldn¡¯t need to.

    ANYA: ¡°Only if u could see what is going on at Cabo Wabo! There¡¯s a ¡°soon to be bride¡± just tearing it up!¡±

    ME: ¡°I hope you girls are out there showing her how it¡¯s done! Btw, that¡¯s Sammy Haggar¡¯s bar! You should have a Waborita!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ahhhhh! How do you know about Waborita?¡±

    ME: ¡°I had one when I was at Cabo Wabo years ago!¡±

    After Anya¡¯s text, I imagined I was with her next to me, and how I would nudge myself into her and tilt my head as to motion for us to go outside. We¡¯d both run outside together away from the crowd. Once we found a secluded spot, mesmerized how the moonlight reflected off of her perfect bare shoulders, and with her eyes in mine, our lips would meet. I then imagined moving my hands along her waist, to bring her body into mine as we danced to whatever tune played at Cabo Wabo. Whenever I thought of Anya in these places without me, I tried to be there with her, especially when her texts told me she wished I could be there with her.

    That was the last text I received from Anya that night, but it was already midnight. I¡¯m sure her friends gave her a hard time about texting me, but we talked more than I expected to. I just hoped the bikini pics weren¡¯t sent to pacify me so I wouldn¡¯t text her, or if they thought I was hurting without her. If they did, it was probably my fault, but I truly loved her unlike any of the other guys they hung out with¡ªespecially her own husband. No one wanted to be treated like a fool, as I¡¯m sure they felt the same way. I needed to know what I had was real, and that the bikini pics were sent because she missed me as much as I missed her. It bummed me out when she didn¡¯t wish me a goodnight, as it led me to go to bed in wonder, but I believed Anya¡¯s heart was with me regardless of if she was surrounded by guys. The thing that sucked about that for me was I didn¡¯t think I ever had to compete with more guys than the one I knew going in. I just wanted to be there with her, and it naturally broke my heart that other men, she didn¡¯t even know, could hang with her and the girls. That the man who fought every day for her, the one who put the work in, the one who went to bat for her, couldn¡¯t be or wouldn¡¯t be allowed¡ªthat he would be the one punished when she returned home to reality.

    I knew the next day would present a bigger challenge for me¡ªa Friday night in Cabo. The two week nights would be tame compared to what the weekend possibly had in store for my heart. Especially when she couldn¡¯t even say ¡°goodnight¡± to me when she was at Cabo Wabo. Anya and her friends knew a lot of people, and for I knew, a history with them may exist that she never disclosed. I hoped the bikini pics were in no way as bait¡ªto keep me in line so I would leave her alone during her trip. I felt bad about how much I took her away when she was at Mammoth, and I refused to do that to her again. The Friday started off well as she text me first thing that morning.

    ANYA: ¡°Good morning! Sorry about last night. Came home and crashed.¡±

    To say I didn¡¯t wonder if she was being truthful, would be a false statement, but I decided not to question her. For all I knew she had a disagreement with the partying habits of the girls like she did in Mammoth, and it slipped her mind. If it were me though, especially if I was tipsy and I wished that person was here with me, nothing would¡¯ve stopped me from contacting her before or as I fell asleep. I don¡¯t think Anya left with guys, but I think they were hanging with either guys they met there, or guys they knew especially when they were out in their bikinis or scantily clad clothing that showed their sun kissed skin. As much as it made me wonder, I refused to make her trip about me. If she wanted to spend time with me, and if she truly missed me, she would. I couldn¡¯t sit here and be mad at her. If her actions weren¡¯t consistent with someone who truly loved and missed me, I needed to make a choice for myself, and seek the truth from her, and not whine about it. Before I responded to her text, I decided to pull her picture up on my desktop computer¡ªthe one she took with the girls in a group bikini pic. As I got lost in her beauty, I then noticed a necklace on her neck. I couldn¡¯t tell, but it looked like she wore my thingie on the trip. I didn¡¯t expect her to wear jewelry at all since I figured she might lose it on the beach, so I never looked for it on her when I saw the pics the first time. I latched on to any kind of hope I could to get me through the weekend nights I¡¯m sure would be murder on my heart¡ªthe likely reason the pics were sent to me.

    ME: ¡°Good morning! I understand! Looks like you have the thingie on in your group bikini pic?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Thank u. No, an old one sorry. Didn¡¯t want Shana to ask.¡±

    After Anya confirmed it wasn¡¯t my necklace, I zoomed in and I felt bad I didn¡¯t do that before I asked her.

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry. I didn¡¯t zoom in before I asked you. I hope you know I want you to have a great time. I don¡¯t want you to feel obligated to text me unless you want to.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I know babe. Thank u! I love you.¡±

    ME: ¡°I love you too.¡±

    I didn¡¯t want to be the emotional burden I was when she went to Mammoth with the girls. I didn¡¯t want to give grief when she tried to escape it from home. I had to put my life in the Anya¡¯s hands and let her run with it. The Universe was in control now, it always had been and I was powerless against it. I then realized what she told me the other day, about not wanting to jump into a relationship right away with me if she left Jackson, was born from this trip to Cabo. If she truly went there with the girls, this was really the first time she was free to flirt with guys with no one really to keep tabs on her. I¡¯ve seen these girls in action to know, they loved attention and if they could flaunt the bodies they worked so hard during the week to maintain, they would have a lot of it on this trip. Before Cabo, Anya wanted to wear my ring, but now she suddenly wanted to wait before she would be in a relationship with me, another detraction from our agreement when we first met¡ªwhen she told me she would only leave if someone was there for her. Maybe this was wrong, but I felt slighted a bit she didn¡¯t wear my necklace. Did she only wear it around me and never with her when she went to other places? It¡¯s fair to say, she wouldn¡¯t want to lose it, and that¡¯s why she wore an old one. Then again, maybe this necklace was from a past lover she planned to see while in Cabo? I hated to think this way, but I had to prepare myself for her silence.

    She hadn¡¯t called me ¡°babe¡± in a while and she said ¡°I love you¡± but these sentiments and words began to carry a different meaning for me¡ªsaid only to prepare me for the time it would surely feel she didn¡¯t love me this weekend. Was I really crazy for questioning her love and for how badly she missed me? She couldn¡¯t be mad at me for not texting her because it seemed whenever I did, she was too busy to respond. It brought me back to the Memorial Day weekend last year, when she asked me to share a fantasy and she disappeared on me after I did. She told me this was true love and I believed her, but it seemed I was losing trust in her and she lost her respect for me. Without those essential ingredients, it couldn¡¯t be but a fleeting feeling for her now.

    As the clock struck nine on this Friday night, and I hadn¡¯t heard from her, her silence hit me right in the heart. I found it hypocritical how these mothers, who made great sacrifices for their kids, let completely loose whenever they left their kids, but I also found it sad at the same time. Sad to know their home lives were miserable and unhappy enough for them to be relegated to act like single women with wedding bands on. I loved Carolyn and Debbie, and they also deserved to live their lives as happily as Anya did. This was not sacrificing your happiness for the sake of their kids because they partied like rock stars when they were away from them. If I never realized why they were still with their husbands, it seemed this was the reason why. They were all wonderful mothers, but living it up in Cabo didn¡¯t seem like much of a sacrifice for the kids. Their call to virtue disguised behind the value of money and power. I couldn¡¯t blame them for their actions because of the way their husbands had left them to feel. The behavior of their husbands justified the trip in their minds, but it all seemed too fake to feel right at all. Their marriages and their way of life were all lies, and they lied to everyone around them¡ªnobody more than themselves. They were so adept at it, they believed their own lies, even the ones they made to themselves. If they felt the need to party, flirt as if they were single and drink until three-thirty in the morning all because they were away from their kids, they had no reason to be married for their sake¡ªthere were no real sacrifices being made here. They were either having a major midlife crisis or were extremely unhappy, or both.

    If Anya truly believed in us, and she really loved and missed me the way I loved and missed her, her silence made no sense at all. Was this something that awaited me if we were together? I always believed she would run to me if she ever left Jackson, now I believed she would only run away if she was too afraid to text me when she had the freedom to do so. Her silence seemed to sadly prove that the pics were sent because of what she planned to do on the weekend. All done to pacify me so I would be less inclined to pressure her, as she employed the strategy of politicians, to deal with my heart¡ªthe same strategy her husband probably used when he ran around on her while she was pregnant. I guess since I pressured her with the way I felt, I deserved the same treatment.

    This life style spoke of a great unhappiness in all of their marriages. A four-day weekend bender in Cabo didn¡¯t seem like much of a sacrifice to me. I didn¡¯t want to be judgmental, but my heart was deeply vested in one of them. If Anya could stay in her marriage because Jackson allowed her to be single since he was busy with his career aspirations; she seemed more than content with the arrangement and never needed me in her life to begin with. At times like these, it seemed like when she met me, she put on an act to get me, and then left it up to me to leave her once she revealed her true self and feelings. As she went completely silent on me, I only lost more trust and faith in her love and true intentions seventeen months ago.

    I refused to give her any grief and pressure, but I also refused to deny how her silence left me to feel. I hoped I was wrong about all of this, but my gut told me there was some truth to it. My phone stayed silent and motionless until 10:39 that Friday evening.

    ANYA: ¡°Have a goodnight! Going to bed soon!¡±

    ME: ¡°Goodnight!¡±

    I responded to her quickly and followed my good night with an exclamation point afraid to interrupt her time with the girls. Sure, I hurt and had my doubts, but I didn¡¯t want to burden her like I did when she was in Mammoth. At this point, I put myself through this misery but caring too much about her happiness and wanting to believe in her love for me. Her silence told me ¡°what he didn¡¯t know couldn¡¯t hurt him¡±, and that hurt me more than the silence alone did. It seemed to be that Anya was more like Jackson; two people who had no idea what love was or meant. The problem was, I trusted after all Anya went through with Jackson, that she at least knew that much.

    I wondered how come she wasn¡¯t affected at all by the things I did? If I went to Cabo with friends, and never texted her, would she have even cared? The difference was this, my love made her feel secure than her love for me did. By loving her deeply, I lost the part of her I wanted. I only received a part of Anya¡¯s heart now, the piece of her heart that only cared to pacify me more than it cared to love me. I couldn¡¯t believe after the six years it took me to get to a position of strength mentally to get past Denise, I found myself in an even worse place than I¡¯ve ever been¡ªthis ride to heaven only led straight to hell.

    At this moment, I lost a piece of her I may never recover. Her silence was so piercing, she was no longer the woman I fell in love with. She used me so she could build herself up emotionally, to repair her ego while she left me hanging out to dry. Before she met me, she was living a false life for fifteen years. I found out this weekend however, unlike she told me when she dropped her hook into my heart, it was the life she always preferred. If she felt unhappy or miserable, she could just grab a time share in some resort town or a few drinks with friends to get past it. She didn¡¯t need me at all, and what hurt the most, as long as she had Jackson¡¯s friends and deep pockets, she never did. All she wanted and needed was far outside of me, otherwise her silence would¡¯ve never existed.

    If I was going to lose her¡ªwhat did I have to lose? I didn¡¯t appreciate what I perceived to be a complete disregard for my feelings. The way she seemed to serve herself when she pacified me with pics she didn¡¯t even take with her phone, just so she wouldn¡¯t have to deal with my feelings for her, something love was all about. She banked on politics to get what she wanted in life, a life skill she no doubt learned from Jackson. I then thought of her ¡°living day to day waiting for it to end so I can sleep it off¡± text and I clung to it to help fight back the multitude of bad feelings that ate me up alive. I just couldn¡¯t understand how she could¡¯ve shared so much with me, yet continue to live her life as if we hadn¡¯t spent one moment together¡ªas if it meant nothing at all. She could live off her memories of love, more than love itself and that didn¡¯t feel like love at all. She didn¡¯t miss me, but rather having the best of both worlds. I wanted what was right, and I had to have consistency from her if I were to reclaim any trust at all in her love after Cabo. Her silence seemed to prove how much of a fool I¡¯ve been. I now had to do whatever it took to learn the truth about her life, and about her love for me, even if led me to an old unforgiving bridge suspended over a cold shallow harbor.

 CHAPTER 4 ~ WHEN LOVE GOES BLIND

    ¡°Must we end this way

    When so much here is hard to lose

    Love is everywhere

    I know it is

    Such moments as this are too few

    It¡¯s all up to you¡±

    ~ ¡°The One That You Love¡± Air Supply

    During Anya¡¯s Friday night evening in Cabo, I struggled to get her politics out of my head. I despised politicians, never more so when Bill Clinton claimed he never had relations with Monica Lewinsky. Anya claimed to be a conservative yet it seemed she played the exact same game Bill did. It seemed if I wanted Anya¡¯s love, I would have to accept it on her terms, or it didn¡¯t exist at all. Was her love for me only a form of politics? If my heartache didn¡¯t fit in her schedule, she was ready to remove me from it completely. How could she have loved me at all if she wanted me by appointment only? If I didn¡¯t fall in line with her terms of love, she only had an incentive to play politics with my heart. How could true love ever exist on the terms of one?

    I wanted the truth, but I wanted the truth to come from her. I would only seek it if I felt she betrayed me. The pain came on so great now when I felt disconnected from her, that my mind had no mercy on me. Her silence in Cabo threatened my life as if she were to choose another man over me, all because I pressured her to be with me, I wouldn¡¯t be able to survive it mentally. When I thought about her being in someone else¡¯s arms, after all I¡¯ve given and sacrificed, I would feel so betrayed¡ªsuicide would be my only option. I needed her to prove me wrong, and if she couldn¡¯t, I¡¯d be too traumatized to think again¡ªjust like a rape victim afraid to relive the experience. If Anya planned to break my heart, it would be my last heartbreak. I wouldn¡¯t see the lesson or the reason in meeting and falling in love with her¡ªother than her love was meant to end my hope and my belief in love for good.

    After the Saturday sun rose, with another day of expected silence ahead, Anya sent me a text.

    ANYA: ¡°Good morning! At the gym by myself! The girls didn¡¯t get home until after 3:30 a.m. last night! I went to bed right after dinner so I¡¯m the only one up! How r u?¡±

    Her text made me first at ease, but it soon opened up a fissure in my critical mind. If she was by herself, how come she didn¡¯t text me at all? How was it possible, that in a span of less than twenty-four hours, it went from romantic feelings to such silence? I believed she did leave before the girls did, but she left right after dinner and didn¡¯t text me at all the rest of the evening? Did she come back with Shana or alone? I could understand maybe she wanted to talk to her kids for a little bit, but I found it very unlike her not to text me especially if she came back alone. I didn¡¯t want to ask her anything and ruin her trip like I did when she went to Mammoth so I decided to let it go. As I decided to keep the heartache to myself, it reminded me of the time she told me she didn¡¯t want to be a nagging girlfriend when she dated Jackson. For the first time, I considered her position and realized if I didn¡¯t nag, I would probably suffer the same fate if we were married. It just seemed the more tolerant I was, the less she began to respect me. If I let loose though, I don¡¯t know what would come from my fingertips with all the negative emotions I felt.

    ME: ¡°Good morning! I¡¯m good. Why did you head back right after dinner? How r u?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Good but tired of drinking. I knew they were in the mood to drink heavily last night and I just didn¡¯t want to go there. I¡¯m glad I didn¡¯t b/c they¡¯re all out!¡±

    When I read she was ¡°tired of drinking¡±, I began to trust her more¡ªshe must have been drunk by the time she got home after dinner. I knew how she followed what the girls did, and she probably drank all day long. I¡¯m sure she had a bit of a headache and that¡¯s why she decided to go to sleep instead of text me. That seemed like the most likely scenario anyway and I¡¯d be selfish to say anything. I understood better why I didn¡¯t hear from her after she told me she left early. If the shoe was on the other foot, I wouldn¡¯t have texted her either, and it didn¡¯t mean I wasn¡¯t crazy about her. Who knows? Maybe it was her friends who wanted to pacify me by sending me the bikini pics so she wouldn¡¯t leave them to go to the hotel and text me? Maybe they teased her when she left and she wanted to prove them that wasn¡¯t the plan, even though her heart wanted to?

    After she texted me, I felt much better as the worst of scenarios got the best of me. Sometimes, I wish I was really ignorant to heartbreak, but I wasn¡¯t. I connected with Anya over heartbreak and losing Anya would crush me more than anyone I ever had. This was the first time though I seriously considered what if she were in the arms of another man? Even if she didn¡¯t love him, as she reasoned she had just sex with her husband. If she considered us not together, then nothing stopped her. I worried for the first time I dated a version of Jackson, and not the wife in distress she led me to believe she was. The scary part about that was, it was also the first time I knew that the only remedy to resolve those emotions was by suicide.

    I told her to enjoy herself then retreated into my usual Saturday of errand running. As the day progressed though, the Saturday only morphed into another version of Friday as I didn¡¯t hear from her for the rest of the day. I found it kind of strange how Wednesday and Thursday felt like her Palm Springs trip and Mammoth, but both Friday and Saturday felt like when she was in Tenerife with Jackson. Could it be he was there and that¡¯s why she texted me from the gym? I recalled how I felt when she was in Spain with him and she was fearful how I might not feel the same when she returned. I never doubted her love for me when she left for Spain with him. She told me it was a business trip and something she had to do for work. She even considered not going at all, but we had only been seeing each other for a few months. It felt the trip was something she committed to before she met me and I didn¡¯t feel threatened by it at all¡ªthat was until she texted me from the Canary Island of Tenerife, three days into her trip. I felt she knew Jackson had something planned for her as the trip also coincided with her fifteen-year wedding anniversary. The way those days felt after she told me of her time spent with him in a somewhat romantic place, made me feel she knew it all along. She even told me these trips last longer than planned sometimes, and I knew she cut it short because of the Canary Islands. If she worried, she would lose me because of that trip, then she had to know all along about the detour to the Canary Islands. I guess that was the difference between the way I felt back then and now. Not that I loved her any less, but because I not only loved her more, but an admission I needed her more too. There was nothing I could do after Tenerife, but I knew if she ever went again, that would be my confirmation of betrayal. The most horrific things about this was that I only chose to be in her life because she was betrayed, I had no idea I would be the one betrayed in the end. The thought of that possibility, drove me absolutely crazy, and if I let her go, I¡¯d still feel betrayed because I had no choice to. The only way I could make any sense out of her allowing me and encouraging me to fall so deeply in love with her was because of the infidelities and the gross disrespect he showed her afterwards. If she couldn¡¯t help falling in love with me, then how could she help not to leave him? To me, that¡¯s what created mistrust. All these things added up to something I had a bad feeling about, but my love for her, so deep, is what kept me hoping I was wrong. That she knew if she betrayed me it would be to lie to me about everything she ever said and felt. The reason Jackson allowed her to go to Cabo without a word was because Jackson was more than likely with her. Her silence couldn¡¯t be deciphered any other way in my mind. If he was watching her like a hawk, and he just suspected the other day, how did he trust enough to let her go to Cabo for four days? It would make some sense considering I only heard from her in the morning and at night, the same level of communication the weekend brought. If he was there, she knew it would bother me and lead me to pressure her, so she had no incentive to tell me unless I asked, a very dangerous game she played with my heart and mind. The more I thought about it, the more I believed Jackson was likely with her.

    At about eleven that evening, to my surprise, Anya texted me.

    ANYA: ¡°Goodnight u! Just waiting for a cab to go back!¡±

    ME: ¡°Are you by yourself?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°No w/all.¡±

    ME: ¡°Ok! Goodnight!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Goodnight!¡±

    It was nice of her to say ¡°goodnight¡±, and I cared to know she was okay. In that¡¯s sense, I was glad to hear from her, but other than that it was obligatory. I didn¡¯t want to bug her at all like I did in Mammoth and relied on her to keep in contact. It just seemed each time I texted her, she could care less. Her silence though caused me to lose trust in the trip to Cabo. Would any friends ever stop you from communicating with someone you loved and wanted to be with? You would do whatever it took if you loved someone to talk to them. I knew my friends would never be able to stop or deter me, because I¡¯d never allow them to. I tried to consider both sides of the coin as much as I emotionally could, but the truth was, I didn¡¯t know what to believe¡ªother than what my heart feared may be true.

    As she was set to return home on Sunday, Mother¡¯s Day, I swallowed my pride and reached out to her early that Sunday.

    ME: ¡°Good morning! Happy Mother¡¯s Day! How r u?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Good morning! Thank you! Good! We¡¯re just packing up to get outta here! I hear the line at the airport is crazy cuz they¡¯re checking temps!¡±

    ME: ¡°Well, Okay! Be sure to eat before you board! You probably won¡¯t get a chance to eat until you get home. Don¡¯t want to fly on an empty tummy!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°You¡¯re kidding, right? Have you been talking to my mom?¡±

    ME: ¡°Hey, I need somebody to talk to! JK! Have a nice flight home! Let me know when you get in please. Love you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ha! Love you too!¡±

    I felt better to know her Cabo trip was over, so I could just go back to worrying about the fa?ade. I couldn¡¯t tell if her husband was with her or not and I wasn¡¯t going to ask. It could be he wasn¡¯t with them at all, or maybe he came down for just a night? At any rate, it seemed like he wasn¡¯t there because I don¡¯t think the girls would have partied all night if he was in the vicnity. With it being Mother¡¯s Day, maybe she just wanted to ensure she had no drama on this trip and I couldn¡¯t fault her for that especially with the way I thought while she was away. For now, it seemed like trips away with the girls were kinder on my heart and mind than trips away with her husband.

    I went to the gym that morning and pulled my back on the squat machine¡ªthe only exercise I ever tweaked my back doing. I cut my workout short and hobbled sideways back to my car and up the stairs to my apartment; a rather painful hike. I grabbed an ice pack from my fridge and placed it beneath me as I gingerly brought myself on my bed. After an hour passed, I then made my attempt to spend Mother¡¯s Day with my mother. When I reached her house, my back stiffened up on me when I slowly rose from the car seat. I then felt a sensation of heat and pain shoot up my back as all I could do was lay face down in the grass for the next five minutes until the pain subsided. I then lifted myself up off the lawn and immediately began to itch all over my body¡ªI just had to wear shorts and a sleeveless shirt to her house. As I reached her backdoor, I remembered the gift I got her was still inside the car, and its retrieval took another five more minutes after I could say I officially arrived. I then walked through her open bedroom door, bent over and looking up at her in the corner of my eye upon entry.

    ¡°Who do I owe the great honor to be blessed with the presence of Quasimodo on Mother¡¯s Day?¡± she joked.

    ¡°Very funny.¡± I said as I handed her a DVD. ¡°Happy Mother¡¯s Day.¡±

    ¡°Thank you! Oh my God. Soap?¡± she asked. ¡°I hadn¡¯t seen this show in years!¡±

    ¡°I remember you used to love that show. Always watching it when I was a kid.¡± I said. ¡°I saw it and had to get it for you. All four seasons.¡±

    ¡°I can¡¯t wait to watch it!¡± she announced with excitement and then a hug. ¡°You look like you¡¯re in a lot of pain.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯ve been sitting down in my car for the last forty minutes on the way over here. I just need to loosen it up a bit.¡±

    She then walked over to her dresser, grabbed her bottle of Vicodin and then put several in my hand.

    ¡°Take one now.¡± she said. ¡°It¡¯ll help. Please be careful with the rest.¡±

    I nodded then pointed at a bottle of water on her dresser. ¡°Do you mind?¡±

    ¡°No, go ahead.¡± She said while I swallowed the pill then brought the bottle to my mouth.

    ¡°Are you feeling any better?¡± I asked.

    ¡°I still have a hard time eating.¡±

    ¡°Nausea?¡± I asked.

    ¡°Not really. Just mostly the sores in my mouth.¡± she said. ¡°I can¡¯t even have a nice salad anymore. Everything burns.¡±

    I nodded in understanding, but I couldn¡¯t have understood how that felt. Food brought great comfort to us all. To look forward to a tasty meal may have been the thing to get a Cancer patient through the days, and she couldn¡¯t even eat a bland salad. My mother always made it seem it was just another silly side effect of the chemo, but eating was a big thing for a Stage Four Cancer patient. If she couldn¡¯t put food down, she would have to go to the hospital to be fed intravenously, and it broke my heart to even think about it. After all she¡¯s been through in her life, here was her reward. With a bad back, Anya¡¯s silence in Cabo over the weekend, and my mother¡¯s inability to find something that helped get her mind off her battle, it really put me in a terrible mood. When the Vicodin took effect, and I started to feel better, I took time to notice how other than her hair loss, my mother looked like herself. Thankfully, she seemed to gain weight, and didn¡¯t look like she lost any.

    During my time with my mother, while my father worked at the park, Anya sent me a text to let me know she made it home but she was ¡°beat¡±. I thanked her for letting me know she made it in safely and wished her a ¡°Happy Mother¡¯s Day¡±. I couldn¡¯t help but think though; here it was Mother¡¯s Day and she just returned home after she spent the last four days with friends. If that didn¡¯t tell the kids something was wrong with the marriage, I didn¡¯t know what would. If she wanted the kids to feel secure, why would she opt for time away from them near Mother¡¯s Day? Unless Dad was with her, then maybe that¡¯s why they thought nothing of it, but what did they think when she went without him? Although I was hurt by her Houdini act over the weekend at Cabo, it¡¯s on me to find a way to communicate with her to avoid the way I felt. I just had to present it when the time was right, and the time wasn¡¯t as I didn¡¯t want to steal their mother away from them on Mother¡¯s Day.

    At about six that evening, I hobbled from my parent¡¯s house and headed back home. My mother watched me the entire time as I struggled to sit inside my car for the ride home. After I did and started my car, my mother waved goodbye from the window in front of the house. I waved back at the bald woman with the wide smile who made a mockery of my bad attitude. After I pulled into my carport forty minutes later, it took twenty-five minutes to get into my apartment¡ªa usual two-minute exercise. I then crawled in agony onto my bed, with my ice pack in tow and let it rest upon the source of my pain for an hour. The entire time, I couldn¡¯t help but think that not only was I a mental train wreck but now a physical one as well. Even though I took another Vicodin and it helped, I still couldn¡¯t sleep through the night as one movement left me wide awake. At about five-thirty that morning, I received a text from my heartbeat.

    ANYA: ¡°Good morning! Sorry about last nite. Came home and spent time w/kids then crashed.¡±

    ME: ¡°Good morning! Oh, babe please don¡¯t apologize! I totally understand. I pulled out my back and couldn¡¯t sleep. I¡¯m getting ready for work now. Btw, are you available this week? I¡¯d love to see you if you can.¡±

    I rarely asked to see Anya, but after her weekend in Cabo, and with all this mental and physical pain, I could break down emotionally on her and I didn¡¯t want to pressure her. About an hour later, she responded.

    ANYA: ¡°Sorry was walking Suki. 3 Motrin for back. Tons to do this week but maybe Fri for a bit?¡±

    ME: ¡°Ok, I¡¯ll see if Motrin works. Friday is perfect if you can pull it off. Thank you.¡±

    Cabo left me with mixed feelings, although I felt better now she was back, if Jackson allowed her to act like a single person, what incentive did she have to leave her marriage? She could just meet any guy she felt attracted to, tell them of his infidelities and let her version of love fill the gap. Then she could just go back into her marriage and let nature run its course and the cycle continued, over and over. Anya¡¯ love seemed just like a Tank in Tiananmen Square that rolled over good people who genuinely cared for her. The only way it seemed to stop the carnage was to make our relationship known. To not fall away like Lance did and simply go into a treacherous night. My heart was never made available to her unless she left. I even secured that promise in the beginning based on her performance marker. I went all in, and never held my love back from her, even after all the disappointments from my past. I loved her more than anyone I loved before, and I restrained myself sexually only for her own good, not my own. Yet here I was, in a worse spot than ever before. Anya¡¯s mixed feelings only created mixed feelings within me. Either she allowed me to cut the right wire to connect us forever, or we would all blow up defusing this difference we had and forever be disconnected.

    Later that day, I texted Anya to see how her day was doing.

    ANYA: ¡°Just buried. How¡¯s yours?¡±

    ME: ¡°Sorry to hear that, babe. It¡¯s going good so far. I¡¯ll let you get back to what you were doing. Oh btw, did you call your mom yet? She wanted an update to see how much you ate on the Cabo trip.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Haha! Thx! Since u talked to my mom u should know she¡¯s worried sick b/c I didn¡¯t get enough to eat. Love u!¡±

    ME: ¡°Haha! That¡¯s a good thing though! More bikini pics for me! Love u too!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Haha! No bikini pics for a while!¡±

    After a fun text exchange, I realized how much my feelings depended on our communication, or lack thereof. Anya didn¡¯t want me to have negative thoughts ¡°all because¡± she couldn¡¯t text me sometimes. She then followed that up with ¡°sometimes I can¡¯t and sometimes I don¡¯t want to.¡±. Could she honestly ask herself how it would make her feel if told her the same thing? I wasn¡¯t a buyer of politics, and I didn¡¯t buy pacification. Honesty was the only currency I dealt with, even if it ripped my heart out. Although it was hard to hear honesty at this point in the game, I¡¯d at least know how to feel. Her silence during Cabo weekend put me out of touch with how I should feel. How she went from romantic feelings at Frida¡¯s on Thursday night to nothing but ¡°goodnight¡± and ¡°I crashed¡± on Friday. It started to feel at times she did it on purpose to break me, and if that was the case, she was close to having that become a reality. I would hope at this point, her silence only existed because she was as tired of this contained relationship as much as I was. I felt and knew too many things to continue this way. Her silence was an effort to disconnect and stymie our growth, a control mechanism she used on someone who had nothing but defense systems built in him for years. Each time she fired a missile, I planned to shoot it down. I¡¯ve outgrown my cage because she fed me too much and allowed my love to grow for her, and she couldn¡¯t just stop feeding me. I felt like a puppy who got all the attention but now grew to an old dog who wasn¡¯t adorable because it learned things from its owner that made it lose its puppy-like innocence. It wanted to live in the house now, and not be tied up to a tree with a leash that only dug into its neck forever. The Universe brought me in her life to bring out the beauty in her, and not the ugliness. Who was she to defy the Universe? Who was not to believe in its message to us? From the night we met to the girl at the baseball game, the Universe was on our side from the very first day we laid eyes on each other and I had to make sure these galaxies that collided to destroy her marriage would lead to the construction of something beyond beautiful. If we weren¡¯t meant to be, then nothing could ever be.

    I didn¡¯t hear from her that evening and as much as the silence scorched my world, I understood she had a lot on her plate after a weekend in Cabo. It was nothing I could be critical about as she needed to time to get things done so she could see me on Friday, if possible. The next morning, I got a quick obligatory text from her.

    ANYA: ¡°Good morning!¡±

    ME: ¡°Good morning!¡±

    When I described her text as ¡°obligatory¡±, I questioned if that was an unfair thing to say. I just couldn¡¯t determine her motive for it. She was almost damned if she did and damned if she didn¡¯t at times, and that wasn¡¯t fair to her for me to consider her texts ¡°obligatory¡± but they felt like they were sent simply as means to control my thoughts. I remembered sometimes she couldn¡¯t and sometimes she didn¡¯t want to. Why would she never want to is what worried me. We were too late in the game for anything she texted me not to affect me. Even her silence did, but she built this city, I just lived in it. She couldn¡¯t just turn off the electricity, the heat, and the water completely all because I complained when it wasn¡¯t working. She was the landlord of our relationship, and if she didn¡¯t want the responsibility, she should¡¯ve never told me all she did. She just wanted the fantasy to get her through the day, but denied me the reality to get me through mine. I could tell she was loving me in a different way, and I had to take some responsibility for it. I wasn¡¯t perfectly noble in this, but even when she was in Cabo with her friends, she was as quiet as if she were at home. As much as it hurt, I could understand the silence when she was at home, but I didn¡¯t think it was irrational for me to think that she went to Cabo so she could feel closer with me through the phone without being hawked by Jackson. Nothing on this earth, even if my mother hated her, would stop me from wanting to be close to someone I claimed to miss and love dearly. The weeknights in Cabo, just like her ¡°Good morning¡± texts now felt like they were meant to manipulate the way I felt. I just didn¡¯t know what to believe. All I knew was that I wanted to believe her. I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. I wanted to trust in her love and tried to put the onus on me for her loving me less than she did. My life now depended on a deeply depressed person to only think positive thoughts.

    ANYA: ¡°How r u feeling?¡±

    Another thing I noticed; the old Anya would have asked me how my back was feeling. This new Anya seemed to just remember, and that seemed to tell me I wasn¡¯t on her mind as much as I used to be.

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m not walking sideways anymore. Thanks for asking. How r u?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Busy but good.¡±

    Since she had a busy day ahead of her, I didn¡¯t want to distract her so I didn¡¯t text her back for the rest of the day. I felt if I did, I wouldn¡¯t be able to spend time with her on Friday. Later that evening however, she texted me.

    ANYA: ¡°What¡¯s for din din?¡±

    ME: ¡°I made the Truffle Rice.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°R u serious?¡±

    The truffle rice became my favorite thing to eat since my Birthday lunch. I made it at least twice a week, and each time I did, I would play the CD she burned me, and have a glass a wine as if she were next to me. Of course, it was tough to see an empty stool next to me, but it¡¯s the only way I could fight the sadness and loneliness, and it helped. I didn¡¯t want her to know I did this often because it would make her feel bad, I didn¡¯t want her to love me because she felt obligated, but because she loved me.

    ME: ¡°Of course! It¡¯s tasting better every time.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Awww babe that makes me smile.¡±

    ME: ¡°Makes me feel close to you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ur breaking my heart¡±

    Over the last seventeen months, I¡¯ve texted her about the things I did so I could feel close to her. From reading the ¡°Twilight¡± books with her to watching TV shows to going to ¡°our beach¡±, and not one time has she ever responded that I was breaking her heart. For a woman who missed and loved me as much as claimed, I expected her to smile or text me ¡°awww¡±. She even forgot to add a period to the end of her text, and I couldn¡¯t tell if it made her mad, sad or both.

    ME: ¡°Why babe? I always do things like that.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I know, just b/c we¡¯re not together that¡¯s why.¡±

    Did she mean we weren¡¯t together physically or figuratively speaking? If she meant physically, I could feel the sincerity and sweetness behind her text. If she meant figuratively though, why did she visit me while I was on vacation if we weren¡¯t? Just to tell me she didn¡¯t want to share custody and she was scared to jump into a relationship with me right away if she left Jackson? If she didn¡¯t want to share custody was Katie¡¯s letter really the deciding factor? Yet, she also wanted me believe she loved and missed me too? I didn¡¯t know how to interpret her text¡ªthe dangers of this type of communication I began to grow weary of. As I turned down the heat on the pan of rice I had on the stove, I went from being hungry just a minute earlier to having an upset stomach.

    ME: ¡°Ok, I won¡¯t tell you these things anymore. You do the same things too. Just the other day you went to Wholefoods to feel close to me.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I do.¡±

    ME: ¡°I still read ¡°Twilight¡± just to feel close to you too.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I know.¡±

    When she texted ¡°I do¡± instead of ¡°I did¡±, then she had to have meant ¡°physically¡± rather than together as a couple. She made some things known to me, how she felt at that moment, but she never gave me the impression we weren¡¯t together, otherwise I wouldn¡¯t have asked her to visit me during the week. I doubt she would¡¯ve gone to Wholefoods if she thought we weren¡¯t together as a couple. Was she under the illusion if we weren¡¯t together as a couple that I would just forget about her? She could hold me to every single thing I ever said, texted and did. I truly put my entire heart and soul into loving her and she could never just leave my mind.

    One thing I never considered before her silence in Cabo was what if she felt she betrayed her kids by loving me? That she decided to love me less because she felt she betrayed them? For seventeen months, after she led me to believe Lance left her because of them, she could possibly feel she betrayed them by loving someone who honored her, truly respected and loved her? Did Jackson¡¯s abuse bend her mind that much to believe that if she ever left him, she would betray her kids? If she felt that way, how could I not feel absolutely used to fill a void in her life? To say she felt she betrayed her kids, would be an admission that she used me to feel love again. If she felt she betrayed her kids by loving someone who honored her, then she never had plans to ever leave Jackson. This was something she had to know because she stayed with him for years after and during his great disrespect for her. If she felt she betrayed her kids, yet allowed and encouraged me to fall deeply in love with her, who did she really betray? Not only would I feel betrayed because I trusted her to let me know that was why she stayed with Jackson, but she also betrayed herself to even believe she betrayed them by wanting to be respected and loved. Things she should be teaching her kids was important in life since she risked everything to have it! So much so she couldn¡¯t help herself to betray them. She even told me there was a goodness to our love, so how could she ever feel her love for me betrayed them? Especially if she had no regrets? How could she possibly ever look at a man who honored and respected her as an act of betrayal to her kids?

    Anya betrayed her kids long before I entered her life. She betrayed them when she hid her true self from them¡ªso much in fact they believed she was unloving. She betrayed her kids when she lied to them about how wonderful their father was to her. She betrayed her kids the day she decorated Andrew¡¯s room with dollar bill wallpaper. She betrayed her kids when she allowed them to have boats and horses as means to hide the truth from them. She betrayed Katie the day she read her letter, and still let her go to bed each night blaming herself for a marriage she threatened to leave for a real reason. She betrayed them when she taught them that money was the only thing with real value in life instead of the importance of having values within. In fact, Anya never betrayed her kids, Jackson did the day he cheated on her. Each time he chose to disrespected their mother. Jackson betrayed her kids, our love did not. Unfortunately, I began to fear that Jackson¡¯s money and the friends it afforded her, was what betrayed her, even twisted her mind enough to believe that loving someone who truly valued her was an act of betrayal against her kids.

    I refused to believe she could feel she betrayed her kids, not after all she told me about Jackson and not after seventeen months together. Not after I walked away from her when we first met for five whole months¡ªplenty of time to consider if loving me would equal an act of betrayal against her kids. Jackson¡¯s gross disrespect and dishonor is what betrayed the kids. That betrayal opened the door to love for her, and I would not allow her to believe she betrayed her kids for a second. Jackson betrayed her kids by chipping away her love for him. Our love was too good to betray them. If Anya felt that way, the only person she betrayed was me because of all she told me that allowed and encouraged me to feel this deeply for her. I¡¯ve explained to her how my heart works, over and over, from day one. I didn¡¯t want to drive her nuts with it, but she knew from the time we began that I only allowed myself to fall in love with people who would choose to be with me. If she felt she betrayed her kids, she betrayed me too¡ªit was that simple. If she truly felt she betrayed her kids, then Jackson¡¯s money was more important than love, shattering to pieces all we ever shared together. When a marriage affected the lives of people outside of it, when it should only affect the lives of people within it, that marriage should cease to exist. I would feel violated and emotionally abused if she believed our love represented an act of betrayal against her kids because I walked away from her for five months when we first met and trusted she would never feel that way. Especially when she told me ¡°You broke my heart¡± when I did. I couldn¡¯t allow her marriage to hurt more people with kind trusting hearts, if it hurt myself and the others before me. I couldn¡¯t believe she would hurt me like that, but her silence and the inconsistent way she loved me, a way that only seemed to serve herself, handed my low self-esteem the wheel¡ªmy memory of past failures now catching up to me.

    The next day Anya didn¡¯t text me good morning, and for the first time ever in the seventeen-month relationship, I was relieved. If she didn¡¯t have time to care if I was alive, then why bother? It only seemed as fake as her marriage whenever she texted ¡°good morning!¡± but had plenty of time in her day to go kickboxing.

    Later that morning, I texted her because I genuinely cared how she was doing. Unlike her, I couldn¡¯t change the manner in which I loved her, especially if it hurt her or made her wonder.

    ANYA: ¡°Hi! Just finished KB! Good just trying to figure out where to start my day. A billion things to do w/no right direction! I guess I¡¯ll start in the middle. How r u?¡±

    ME: ¡°Haha! Well, I hope you can get a few of those billion things done today! You must have a lot of stickies around you at the home office. I¡¯m hanging in there!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°The next few weeks are going to be crazy for me. Dance recital, competition, baseball, all stars, grad week of activities, field trips, parties, grad day prep.¡±

    When she shared all the things she had on her plate, I felt bad I even contacted her. I knew she was legitimately busy and I didn¡¯t want to take her away from it. I knew her kickboxing class was important for her mental well-being, and not only her physical well-being and I didn¡¯t want to discourage that. I missed her to death, and I felt like she should have never allowed me to feel so much for her if I was something that had to be penciled into her life. She seemed to show me every day, that as long as you had money and you could take care of my kids, then you were good enough to be with her. The man that commanded her respect was the one who gave her kids a great life and could buy her friends to have and popularity. The more she texted me, the more she gave me the impression love, and any man who believed in it, were a novelty item. Nice to look at, but not worthy enough to keep around. The only problem I had at this point, was she chose my heart to do that with after I walked away from her. Instead, she told me I broke her heart regardless of all I came to know over the last seventeen months. Here I was; and there she wasn¡¯t.

    ME: ¡°OMG! I don¡¯t know how you do it. I¡¯ll let you go so you can get started. Have a nice day!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I have to go to so many shops for all their needs! I¡¯m spinning! On top of that, Katie goes on a NY trip next week and I will have a house guest for a week!¡±

    Both news items put me in idle but the word ¡°house guest¡± was what stopped me in my tracks. Why was the word ¡°house guest¡± so vague? Was this another half-truth she fed me? The truth was she did have a house guest coming, but I feared the specific half of it would hurt me. While at work the entire day, I wondered about the ¡°house guest¡± and all of the other half-truths she left out there for me to decode¡ªhow badly the part she elected not to share would hurt me. I didn¡¯t want to ruin her day with my doubt. She needed to get things done and I didn¡¯t want to interfere. The hard part for me to get past was that much like the holiday plans she made, that whoever the house guest was, she made up her mind to go through with it regardless of how much it would hurt me. Again, the scariest things about Anya, was she felt what people didn¡¯t know, including her kids, could never hurt them. I always believed this was a tool narcissists and liars used to manipulate and control people¡ªthe influence Jackson had on her. She told me she protected me, but who¡¯s feelings did she really protect, mine or hers? Her change in the way she loved me left me to feel even the things I didn¡¯t want to feel. I was now sensitive to her silence and words, even those actions and inactions that maybe shouldn¡¯t have bothered me.Unlawfully taken from Royal Road, this story should be reported if seen on Amazon.

    As the day went on, I zeroed in on my work. I rarely talked to anyone at the office anymore, a huge change people had to notice. I usually joked around and stopped by offices and cubicles to see how people were. For the last two months, since Anya¡¯s letter, I never left my office as I tried to deal with all I felt. I lost myself in myself and a lot of the drive Anya gave me was sapped from me as Anya¡¯s love and my mother¡¯s illness stole my soul. Anya didn¡¯t think I understood her situation with the kids, but I wouldn¡¯t have been patient at all if I didn¡¯t try to understand. What Anya didn¡¯t know, and I could never share with her, was how much sleep and mental focus I lost whenever her love was inconsistent with what she told me and shared with me. How much her silence threatened all I built over the last nine years of my life. If I had told her how much I stood to lose, she would have left me, and I wasn¡¯t ready to accept she didn¡¯t truly love me. That her love existed for me only because the relationship was all on her terms and that it was a secret. A love that could be penciled in on a calendar as I learned every single day, that Jackson¡¯s money and the friends it afforded her meant more to her than love did. To learn this seventeen months after I poured my entire being into her, was now also a death sentence. I wasn¡¯t ready to die yet while I stood on the edge of heaven. I had to give her a chance to prove me entirely wrong; my life depended on it. I just wasn¡¯t ready to believe she could betray the only man who ever honored her for anyone¡¯s sake. I wasn¡¯t ready to believe she betrayed me. I couldn¡¯t deny along the way, I lost Landyn, but only Anya¡¯s love could make me whole again, and resurrect the spirit within me. As these thoughts penetrated my mind, it seemed the Universe heard me.

    ANYA: ¡°Thinking of u¡±

    These texts nowadays were far and few between, but I valued them the same as when we first started dating. These were the ones that lacked an obligation and only carried a feeling. When I didn¡¯t see a period at the end, it carried even more meaning as it connected me to her. As much as I questioned her intentions and love, whenever I interpreted emotions in her texts, it made me feel extremely foolish, but it¡¯s what I wanted her to do. I couldn¡¯t have miscalculated her love like this. If I was in my twenties, it could happen, but not as I neared my forties. She didn¡¯t realize how much of an emotional stranglehold she had on me. She couldn¡¯t tie me up to a tree with a rusted chain that would only cut through my neck. I wasn¡¯t the dog, her husband was.

    ME: ¡°Always thinking of u.¡±

    Every feeling I ever communicated to Anya was truly heartfelt. They were more real than anything, and that¡¯s why they hurt me when they went unreturned, or deleted, or were lost in cyberspace. It seemed I didn¡¯t know to reach her when she disconnected my heart and soul from hers with silence or any other tactic she used. Every chance she gave me though, I would try everything I could to reignite it.

    ANYA: ¡°I love you.¡±

    ME: ¡°I love you too.¡±

    Her love left me for dead at times and then brought me right back to life. Did couples who considered themselves ¡°not together¡± ever tell each other ¡°I love you¡±? Her texts only warmed my heart and not one time led me to believe we were not together. Of course, our love would be perfect if she was next to me, but fear kept her from me, regardless of the purple heart she earned over the last seventeen months. She knew how much I loved her, and she knew there was no other woman I wanted to be with¡ªa security I didn¡¯t have. It¡¯s why I wondered more than she did. I didn¡¯t want her to wonder though¡ªI wanted her to feel secure in my love and that told me I did my job. A job that wasn¡¯t supposed to be mine¡ªone assigned and taken on by someone way before I arrived on the scene.

    The Anya I knew and loved. The Anya that encouraged and allowed me to be in her life, was the most special woman on this earth. When she made the choice to love me, those times she did it so naturally, she understood what most women didn¡¯t. When I felt her love, Anya showed she understood what mattered most in life and it made my love for her grow. The need to make sure she would never be disrespected again under my watch and her heart would be well taken care of. I couldn¡¯t leave her fate in Jackson¡¯s hands. He failed her many times before and he was certain to do it again now with more temptation before him if he got elected. Although I felt it each passing hour, I didn¡¯t realize the tenacity of the fight that brewed within. The battle between the Anya who understood love and the Anya who believed it to be irrational. After seventeen months together, and five months spent apart with a broken heart because I walked away from her, there was no way I¡¯d accept she betrayed her kids by loving me. Especially not after the way she loved me over the last seventeen months and it¡¯s what led to the end of us, I would take my battle to the true betrayer of her kids¡ªJackson Caiaphas.

    An hour later, my phone vibrated upon my desk as its red light tried to grab my attention.

    ANYA: ¡°How¡¯s your back?

    ME: ¡°All better! I¡¯m walking upright like a homo sapien again!¡±

    Her texts on this particular day left me with great feelings as the Anya I knew and loved returned. For the first time it what seemed like forever, she even texted me ¡°I love you¡± and there wasn¡¯t one obligatory feeling I felt about it. My only concern was with the ¡°house guest¡± she invited over as I hoped her return was not a act of playing politics with my heart. As much as that concern existed, my heart needed to feel her love and overruled my mind¡¯s question of it.

    When the next morning, a Thursday, arrived, I texted her when I didn¡¯t receive one.

    ANYA: ¡°Good! Yes, waiting to go in soon! How r u? Still on tomorrow? What time?¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m good! Yes! Can you come by at noon?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yes!¡±

    There was an excitement from her I hadn¡¯t felt in a while. If the ¡°house guest¡± was the reason for her return to love, she would have texted in the morning to stay on the side of me that didn¡¯t pressure her. Her excitement felt like we were at the height of our love, and after seventeen months, it relieved me to know she felt the same way I did. Her texts, I perceived to not be made out of obligation or sympathy, inspired me to send uninitiated texts to her of my own.

    ME: ¡°I miss you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I miss you too! Less than 24hrs!¡±

    When I read ¡°Less than 24hrs!¡±, I knew we were back on the same page. A woman who felt she betrayed her kids, would¡¯ve never sent me that. Only a woman who knew the value and the goodness of our love would. This was love, not a lust that would leave her kids in pain if she left him.

    ME: ¡°This will be the longest 23 hours and 42 minutes of my life! Please forgive me for being so excited! I hope I don¡¯t pull out my back again!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ha ha! I¡¯m excited too! Be careful there!¡±

    ME: ¡°I was thinking about going to the gym. Bad idea?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yes rest up. Just watch Grey¡¯s Anatomy tonight!¡±

    ME: ¡°Grey¡¯s Anatomy? Babe, I¡¯ve never seen one episode.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Doesn¡¯t matter. Finale, going to be good!¡±

    Her love brought a euphoric feeling in me no drug could rival. I found it sweet she didn¡¯t want me to go to the gym. I found it funny she wanted me to pick up watching Grey¡¯s Anatomy at the finale of only God knows what season. I also learned the real reason why she wanted me to start at the Finale; so, I could feel closer to her. Much like the truffle rice I made the other night. Two hours later, Anya sent me a text.

    When nine rolled around, I started to watch Grey¡¯s Anatomy¡ªcertain she did the same. I got lost in imagination though, as I pictured Anya and I together in our master bedroom with a large big screen TV upon the wall watching all the shows we liked. Of course, my colorful commentary filled the air, and in the middle of the show we couldn¡¯t keep ourselves away from each other and had to TiVo it anyway. At the same time my imagination ran away from me and I tried to catch up on the episode that played out before me, Anya sent me a text.

    ANYA: ¡°How¡¯s the show? Just picking up from baseball and still have to feed Andrew when I get home. Don¡¯t know if I¡¯ll get to see it. So tired! Gotta love TiVo!¡±

    ME: ¡°It¡¯s pretty good so far! The only character I know is that McSteamy dude from the movie ¡°Can¡¯t Buy Me Love¡±. Trying to follow along! Hope you get time to see some of it.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ha! We¡¯ll c. Been up since 4. Pretty tired.¡±

    It always astonished me how Anya could wake up at four in the morning and could go until ten each night. I usually woke up at six and was ready for bed when I returned home from work ¨C at six. Overall, this was a good day for us to build from, although her ¡°house guest¡± brought with it some measure of concern for me. Compared to how I feared if she felt our love was a betrayal of her kids, a question her love answered to prove as baseless, I didn¡¯t want to waste my time wondering about a likely insignificant house guest.

    The next morning, her forty-fifth visit to my one-bedroom apartment, I texted her first to see what she thought of the Grey¡¯s Anatomy finale.

    ANYA: ¡°OMG! Did u watch the whole thing? I stayed up till midnight to watch it! Can¡¯t believe they ended it that way! Did u notice Greg Laswell¡¯s music at the end?¡±

    ME: ¡°I watched the whole thing but I didn¡¯t know the characters well enough I think to appreciate it. I did hear Greg¡¯s music at the end though!¡±

    Anya met Greg Laswell, a musician, at her son¡¯s school¡¯s principal retirement party months ago. I remembered the candid, almost personal, conversation they had and it reminded me of the way she must have talked with Lance, another musician but one she dated while married. I felt confident in her love for me back then when she told me about her conversation with Greg, but now, I didn¡¯t feel nearly as secure. I wondered how he felt comfortable enough to ask her if she ever missed someone really badly¡ªand when she told him she knew that pain. His question just seemed like one you would ask a person who made themselves available alone with you or did her neighborhood reputation just precede her since her friends were with her also? I always had some strange feeling about that conversation they had as it came at the same time she got back from New York with Katie. After I had just poured my heart to her with my ¡°All I Know¡± texts.

    I felt Anya loved me. I felt she truly cared about me, but I now felt her form of love was not on the same page as mine. If she could give me up so easily, regardless of her kids, there could be no chance she loved me the same way I loved her. What reason did she have to leave her marriage when she could talk to Greg Laswell, have a brief relationship with Lance the romantic singer, and a full-blown relationship with me? A marriage that gave her that plus a nice home, a nanny, and even a wage-earning job? I wanted to talk about these things when she visited. I wanted to see what she thought about our forms of love, and how they differed, but when she sent her ¡°Here¡± text to me, and I saw her beautiful sun-kissed face ten minutes early. When I felt her soft hand in mine¡ªhow the air smelled so good when she brushed against me, to hear her laughter fill me with both confidence and happiness, and why my day was so dramatically better with her next to me, I knew I¡¯d be unable to discuss anything that threatened to take all of that beauty away. All I could do was pray she didn¡¯t bring me news that would bring forth the pain inside of me.

    For two solid hours, her and I displayed our affection for each other¡ªlike it was the first night we met. Her visit seemed to carry bits and pieces of every visit she ever made to my place. I got lost in the simplicity of her beauty as she laid face up with her dark hair strewn royally upon a white pillow. She laid there with my necklace on her breastplate, and with her arms lying just above her head¡ªa pose that told me she was mine for the taking. As I hovered above to kiss her neck, I felt my bone graze her leg¡ªa moment that grounded me back to reality. I wondered if she could feel it, but when she kept her eyes closed, it annoyed me that it threatened the moment after so many years after Denise. When she sensed something may have been wrong, she put her hands along my shoulders and moaned with pleasure. Anya showed affection the same way I did; unselfishly, as we both wanted the other to feel really good before we allowed ourselves to. I then brought my body back above hers and drove my lips deeply into hers to ensure we shared the air between us. She then stopped to trace her hands along my back, and they even made their way towards my buttocks. I then thrusted my pelvis slowly into her as she gave an uncontrollable moan.

    I had the woman I loved more than life itself before me and when she I brought my chest down upon her breasts, her skin within mine nearly left me in tears. I wanted to love her the way I wanted to. I wanted to lose myself in her love. I wanted to love her like I always dreamed I¡¯d love someone. Not one single time we made love did I not wish I could have a child with her. Every time I looked into her eyes, I wanted something that would make her a part of me forever. To bring her into a situation where she had to promise to leave. As I pushed her legs outward, she moaned without resistance. Each time I found myself with her in this spot, I wanted to get finish inside of her. To show her that the love she experienced with Jackson wasn¡¯t love at all. She never told me, but I believed Jackson cheated on her while she was pregnant with Andrew because the pregnancy didn¡¯t put her in the mood for sex. A thirty-year old man who dated a teenager cared more about his manhood than he did about her feelings. I knew if I had a baby with her, I would easily be able to prove what love was to her. I loved the closeness we shared at these moments, but if she wasn¡¯t feeling well, or wasn¡¯t up for it, I would never take it personally enough to find someone else to make love to. That must have destroyed her inside and I¡¯m sure Anya blamed herself, but it didn¡¯t matter because Jackson loved himself more than he loved her. If she didn¡¯t give him what he wanted, to hell with her. Maybe that¡¯s why Anya¡¯s love existed on her terms with me¡ªin fear I¡¯d do the same thing Jackson did. The only way it seemed I could prove myself that I was nothing like him, that I loved her more than life itself, was to have a child together and show her how easy it was to remain faithful to her. How could he be concerned with sex while she battled morning sickness? If he put on twenty-five pounds would he have felt sexy? Confidence was the lifeblood of arousal. In his sick head, Jackson reasoned if he cheated with a married woman and Anya found out, she would feel his mistress was unavailable anyway. There was manipulation in that though, a lesson to never deny sex to Jackson or else he would use his money and influence to get what he wanted. Now, fifteen years later Anya dealt with it at her son¡¯s baseball games.

    For the first time I thought of getting her pregnant. If she thought Jackson was like most men, then how could I ever prove her wrong unless I got her pregnant? She said she dreamt of having a child with me. She did absolutely nothing to stop me from loving her. Why not let love sort it out the way it was meant to be? She never asked me to use a condom and the look in her eyes saying ¡°please, just love me¡± said all I needed to know about what Jackson had put her heart through over the years. It the reason why I chose to love and to trust her as deeply as I did. As badly as I wanted to love her the way no man has ever loved her before, there was one problem¡ªI truly loved her. It would only give her kids a reason to hate her, and I didn¡¯t want to give Jackson that power. It just wouldn¡¯t have been the right thing to do as the very thought of it showed how desperate I became. When I didn¡¯t follow through and held back, she looked at me with all the trust and love in the world in her eyes.

    ¡°I don¡¯t want you to go inside me. I just want to feel you here.¡± she said.

    ¡°Okay.¡± I said as I fed her lips. ¡°I love you.¡±

    ¡°I love you.¡± she whispered, softly moaning again.

    As we loved each other, I felt bad to question her form of love for me, but I never expected her love to breed so much loneliness within. At times I felt, she loved me the way Jackson chose to love her, and she knew I didn¡¯t believe that was love. I didn¡¯t know what else I needed to do to prove my love was real and to secure a promise other than to get her pregnant. It would just set a bad example and it would make our love wrong. I didn¡¯t want to ruin the moment we just shared but I needed to clear my conscience. This moment was one of a lifetime and I knew it, but I wanted to be with her forever in a manner that respected her and those who loved her. I remembered how little I saw of her last summer, and this summer appeared to shape up the same way. It tore me to shreds to not know when I¡¯d see her again. My heart wasn¡¯t built to love so deeply to only be led to loneliness. I didn¡¯t know how to explain this to her because I couldn¡¯t explain it myself. I just didn¡¯t want to see her leave anymore. My heart couldn¡¯t take it. I could have truffle rice every night of my life, but what did it all mean if I could never have her? How could feeling close to her leave me forever alone? It broke my heart to feel the negative things I did. The form of love I gave her and that she gave me meant the world to her, but it was easting me alive. I never wanted nor ever intended to pressure her, but if she truly wanted to be with me and had plans to, should it ever feel like pressure to her? My thoughts overwhelmed me at times to the point I began to live my own lie. As I held her in my arms, and fought back time so I could hold her longer, I felt a desperation like no other as I knew the minute she left, would be the exact minute I¡¯d start to die all over again.

    About a half hour after she was free from my left arm that always pulled her back, I texted to see if she made it home safely.

    ANYA: ¡°Just got home! I had a great time too! I like it when we are at peace!¡±

    ME: ¡°I like being at peace too, babe. I loved having you back in my arms.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I could have fallen asleep for hours in your arms.¡±

    After our textchange, I rolled off my bed and it felt like I passed through ghosts as I found it hard to believe just minutes earlier my room was so full of life. I thought about all the hours her and I spent on my bed together and how much time seemed to stand still. How many candles I burned, and how many times my ears heard ¡°I love you forever¡± from her very lips. How many traces of her hair I found afterwards, and how many breaths we took in from each other. I stared at my untidy bed and it never looked more right as I blew out the candles that still burned, in denial she had the strength to leave it behind.

    As I walked into my living room, every where I went was a memory of her. Some bad, but even those bad times were perfect and only brought us closer to our fall. This was the first time though after the moment she left that I just didn¡¯t want to feel the loneliness anymore. I didn¡¯t want to rely on a rice dish to make me feel whole. I didn¡¯t want to feel as if she chose Jackson over me, and that¡¯s what it began to feel like. That she chose a philanderer. A man who dishonored her, and loved himself more than he could ever dare to love her. A man who mocked her, abused her and betrayed not only her, but her kids. How could every single one of my relationships end up the same? It had to end differently this time around. A person who loved me couldn¡¯t leave me alone just like the ones who never did. I expected Denise to break my heart, but not Anya. Not the one who claimed I had broken her heart by walking away from her. People would say Anya stood to lose more than I did, but my problem with that was, she never made me aware of that before she told me I broke her heart. She allowed and encouraged me to mend it and I did, and that couldn¡¯t be an argument. After she told me I broke her heart, she had no right to tell me mothers made sacrifices for kids, or that she didn¡¯t want to share custody, or she didn¡¯t want to jump into anything if she were to leave, or she feared she would lose seventy five percent of her friends, or ¡°I love you forever¡±. She told me I broke her heart and if those things were true, there¡¯s no way her heart could¡¯ve ever been broken, only her ego. If she didn¡¯t know the difference between her heart and her ego, how was she any different from the man she married?

    At about six that evening I sent her a text to tell her I missed her.

    ANYA: ¡°At Bunko. Miss u too.¡±

    ¡°At Bunko¡± left me to feel more alone¡ªshe never told me about a Bunko party that evening during her visit. Although that was the last time I¡¯d hear from her that evening, I tried to remember the love we shared earlier in a desperate attempt to etch away her mostly silent weekend in Cabo from my memory. It didn¡¯t seem that long ago when even a Bunko party never stopped her from telling me ¡°I miss you¡± and ¡°I loved today¡±. The end of a miracle must be near.

    When Saturday morning arrived, Anya sent me a text.

    ANYA: ¡°Good morning!¡±

    ME: ¡°Good morning! How¡¯s your day looking?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Full day for me! Running around w/kids getting ready for next week and end of year grad stuff. Baseball in the afternoon and then baseball pool party tonite.¡±

    Anya never really asked me how I was anymore¡ªlikely out of fear. What would be her incentive to if she feared we wouldn¡¯t be at peace? Her ¡°good morning¡± felt like she just hoped she make it out alive as it seemed she continued to walk on eggshells around me. If anything, it only proved she didn¡¯t want to lose me, and what we had¡ªa love on her terms. I knew she didn¡¯t want me to chip more of her away, but she seemed to think I had complete control over what I perceived and then felt. If she changed the way she loved me, my perception would be she didn¡¯t love me as much anymore. She only loved me when she could control me emotionally. How could she allow me to feel so much, then try to control all I felt? I never expected her to not know if she could be with me if she shared all of herself with me, even her kids, that made me feel nothing less than special and loved. I knew this wouldn¡¯t be easy on her, but at the same time, I trusted it would not be an issue after she allowed me to feel so much for her. It surprised me to hear of the ¡°baseball pool party¡± as I wondered if she hosted it, and if so, did she bury the hatchet with that woman at the games? She couldn¡¯t exclude that boy from Andrew¡¯s party, right? It seemed to me something happened that made it no longer an issue, which would go hand in hand with her suddenly not wanting to share custody and wanting to see if she wanted to date me if she were to leave her husband. It would also explain the silence during her Cabo weekend. I just didn¡¯t feel the love like I used to, and the more she pulled away, the more it felt she played a game with my emotions. I wanted to ask her about the woman at the games, but decided with all the stress in her life at the moment, I decided to let her tell me on her own.

    Later that afternoon, Anya sent me a text. One of those that caught me off guard.

    ANYA: ¡°It was nice to see u yesterday. I always feel like you¡¯re holding back. True?¡±

    ME: ¡°It was nice to see you too. Holding back? How so, babe?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°In bed¡±

    Her text caught me by complete surprise. I could understand how she felt that way, because a part of me did. I amazed myself each time I held myself back because I wanted to love her like no man ever had before, but losing control would have hurt her. I held back not for myself but only because I loved her. We had a pregnancy scare and she made it clear she played with fire. Once inside of her, I¡¯d never be able to stop myself, and a part of me wanted to get her pregnant, but I knew that would hurt Anya and her kids more than anything. I held back mostly because I knew I couldn¡¯t once I went to the place that loved her so damn much. To not be able to have her in my arms, or know when I¡¯d see her again, would only cause me to pressure her. She even told me she didn¡¯t want me to go inside of her, so how could it bother her if I held back or not? I hope this wasn¡¯t a question of my love for her because I never wanted to hold back. I wondered why she would ask me such a thing after she told me she didn¡¯t want to lose custody of her kids and she needed some time to think us over if she left her husband? Would she have not held back a little if the shoes were on the other foot? Did she think it was easy for me? The truth was, I¡¯d do anything for her and I wouldn¡¯t get so upset about things at times if I didn¡¯t love her. There was also one other reason I held back. The reason that left my heart in the dust with Denise. Maybe the time arrived to test her love for me? To show her the extra bone on my leg?

    ME: ¡°I get a little scared sometimes, babe.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Why scared?¡±

    ME: ¡°Nothing about you scares me babe. It¡¯s something else that holds me back. Can I tell you about it in person tomorrow? Can you get away for a little bit?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Don¡¯t know if I can get away tom.¡±

    ME: ¡°Ok, babe. If you can, let me know. I won¡¯t take too much of your time.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°R these things about sex?¡±

    ME: ¡°Not at all.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Then what?¡±

    ME: ¡°I need to tell you this in person.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Why don¡¯t u tell me things when I see you?¡±

    This text came from the Anya I didn¡¯t know. Did she not understand if she had told me she feels like I hold back yesterday, I would¡¯ve told her ¡°things¡± when I saw her? I had to understand she reacted this way though because it was so hard for her to get away these days with so much going on in the upcoming weeks. The Anya I knew though, wouldn¡¯t have wasted a minute to tell me, ¡°Okay I¡¯ll see what I can do. I miss you.¡± Another reason I held back now.

    ME: ¡°Babe, it¡¯s not easy to break away from what we shared yesterday to talk about it. If you can¡¯t make time tomorrow don¡¯t worry! I can tell you the next time you visit. You feel like something is holding me back and I feel I owe you an explanation in person and not over a text. It¡¯s something I¡¯d like to show you, not just merely talk to you about.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Now I¡¯m curious about what it is that u want to talk to me about.¡±

    ME: ¡°I wanted to apologize to you too.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°For?¡±

    Her ¡°For¡± response surprised me as it seemed she forgave me for my past mistakes, almost as if I never chipped a piece of her away.

    ME: ¡°For the way my emotions have gotten the best of me at times. I feel I owe you an explanation why they do.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Have u noticed a difference in my way of loving you? More guarded?¡±

    ME: ¡°Yes, and I¡¯m sorry that you feel you need to be guarded. Babe, you know I don¡¯t want you to feel that way.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Can¡¯t help it.¡±

    Or maybe her ¡°for¡± meant no apology could change the way she guarded herself now. I didn¡¯t think her ¡°guarded¡± stance inspired honesty, and was even done more to hide things that would hurt me. I needed her to crack those eggshells into pieces and that our love deserved the truth even if it ripped my heart out of my chest. If she needed me to move on, she needed to be honest about why I had to, and I had the right to feel she didn¡¯t love me the way she led me to believe, and she was less than an honest person. I know she loved me, but I wasn¡¯t Katie or Andrew. Her love for me had to be just as great but different. I didn¡¯t want her protection because without the truth that should come along with it, it could never serve anyone but herself.

    Anya left our electronic exchange with the feeling she would try to meet me the following day and would let me know in the morning. As the day turned into night, I sent her a text to tell her I hoped she had a good day.

    ANYA: ¡°Hope u did 2. Baseball party now. They¡¯re in 1<sup>st</sup> place and now going onto championship so they are celebrating. Miss u 2. Goodnight. Oh, possibly 1sh tomorrow. I¡¯ll know for sure in the morning. Ok w/u?¡±

    ME: ¡°Sounds great babe! Thank you! Goodnight! I love u.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°K goodnight. I love u.¡±

    I felt Anya questioned my love when she wondered if I was ¡°holding back¡± and what better way to show her who truly loved who in person. This just had to be done in person as I laid a lot on the line with her. I¡¯d also be able to tackle one of my greatest low self esteem issues. I didn¡¯t want my issues with Denise to affect her so I had to clear the air¡ªto let her know she wasn¡¯t the reason I held back. For all I knew, she may have had some low self-esteem issues as well and that¡¯s where her question came from, but nothing could have been more ridiculous.

    The next morning, as promised, she texted me.

    ANYA: ¡°Morning! 2:45? Sorry best I can do.¡±

    ME: ¡°Morning! Now worries! I appreciate it babe! See u then! Thank you!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°K see u then! Good Morning Cafe, Right?¡±

    ME: ¡°Yes! See u then!¡±

    The confidence I felt the night prior was now replaced by sheer nervousness when I imagined my past could now come back to haunt me. I then remembered how those nights spent with Denise on the cruise never meant a thing to her. How she used my interest in her as a way to unwind on a business trip. I tried to make the nights romantic for her too because I wanted them to mean something to her. I wanted her to know she wasn¡¯t just a fling to me. I may not have loved her quite yet, but I cared for her and respected her enough to. Those nights I spent with her wasn¡¯t something I just did with other women. I had to see something special enough in her to be able to experience what we did. In the end, I guess it was all too unreal for her¡ªtoo good to be true even though I really wanted to be with her. I could still hear her voice in her hotel room and her words ¡°What¡¯s that¡± as she pointed to my leg. As low as my self-esteem was at that time, I still thought nothing of it. Even treated it as a chance to get closer to her¡ªan opportunity for her to tell me she loved me. All my efforts went to waste however when she treated me like I had an STD and tried to hide it away from her. I wouldn¡¯t have allowed myself to fall for anyone if I thought it would change someone¡¯s feelings for me. The truth was, the growth was small and insignificant. I could get it removed tomorrow if I wanted to, but I had too much pride about it. I got tired of moving my leg away from Anya in fear I¡¯d be transported in time; to hear ¡°What¡¯s that¡± again. I saw this as yet another opportunity to see if I could trust Anya¡¯s form of love¡ªif she truly loved me. Of course, it wasn¡¯t the main reason I held back, and just one of the reasons. I never held back because I wasn¡¯t attracted to her. It was quite the opposite; I was so attracted to her I wanted my kids to have her features. I decided to come clean about the small bone on my leg simply because I wanted her to know when I held back that it had nothing to do with her. That she was perfect in every physical sense of the word to me. I hoped this would make her feel less self-conscious about it. To know I wasn¡¯t perfect, and if she ever thought I was, here¡¯s her proof.

    I was always fifteen minutes early to our meeting spot at the caf¨¦ just in case she got there early and I had a chance to spend some extra time with her. I also went inside to buy our respective teas so we could set off for our spot right when she arrived. Our time together was a precious commodity these days and I didn¡¯t want to waste any of it waiting in line for a drink. When she arrived and parked next to me, before she exited I wondered like I always did¡ªhow beautiful would she look today? When I saw she wore a loose purple blouse with a pair of tight white pants, before her bare tanned feet hit the pavement, I wished we were meeting at my apartment instead. Each time she took off her clothes I couldn¡¯t wait to feel her soft cool skin against mine. It honestly was an act of a much higher power that gave me the strength to hold back and nothing short of miraculous I¡¯ve done it for as long as I have. When she entered my car, her smile gave me the feeling the world couldn¡¯t have been more right. She then brought her lips to mine, and her freshly shampooed hair instantly aroused me as I ran my right hand along the inside of her hips. She breathed deeply as I kissed her, and when I pulled away her eyes were still closed¡ªher lips still slightly open. She then opened her eyes and when she saw her Grande Unsweetened Passion Fruit Iced Tea in my cup holder, she thanked me profusely. She always made it known how much she appreciated my simple gestures that led me to believe that even in their courting days, Jackson never did something that thoughtful for her. As she sipped from her drink, I drove us to Cascade Park with my left hand on the wheel and my right hand holding hers. When we arrived at our destination, I turned to her, her hand still in mine, and got sidetracked¡ªlost in her eyes. A look of concern was reflected back at me as she looked down and then back into mine.

    ¡°Thanks for coming.¡± I said.

    ¡°What is it you want to tell me?¡± She said. ¡°I¡¯ve been dying to know.¡±

    ¡°Forgive me if this sounds a little strange to you, but this has been on my mind since we met.¡± I revealed nervously. ¡°To be honest, it¡¯s probably unnecessary at this point because we¡¯ve been intimate so many times now.¡±

    ¡°Okay.¡± She said as confusion seemed to fill her face as she gripped my hand tighter.

    ¡°I want you to know that whenever I ¡°hold back¡± it has absolutely nothing to do with my attraction for you. Holding back from loving you is the hardest thing to do. I want to love you without restraint, and I¡¯m not going to lie¡ªI want a child with you.¡± I said, momentarily looking away then back at her. ¡°The reason I hold back is because it¡¯s the wrong way to have one. I hold back because I love you, and has nothing to do with not being attracted to you. As much as anything or anyone on this planet can love someone, I love you even more.¡±

    ¡°Aww babe.¡± She pined, as tears filled her eyes. ¡°Thank you.¡±

    ¡°The reason I asked you to see me is because I wanted to show you something.¡± I continued.

    ¡°What is it?¡±

    With her hand already in mine, I put it near my shin and on the inside of my right bare leg. I then moved her hand in a circular motion across the same bone growth that scared Denise.

    ¡°Can you feel that?¡± I wondered fearfully.

    ¡°Feel what?¡± She asked. ¡°The bone?¡±

    ¡°Yes, that bone right there. Did you notice anything different about it?¡±

    ¡°Let me feel it again.¡± she said as she ran her hand across it on her own a few times. ¡°Is this what you¡¯re referring to? The bump right here?¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s it, right there.¡± I said. ¡°It¡¯s an extra bone on my leg.¡±

    ¡°Really? Let me feel again.¡±

    I let her feel it a few times, as I prepared my explanation¡ªthe defense I should have used when Denise asked about it.

    ¡°Are you serious?¡± She replied.

    ¡°Serious about what?¡±

    ¡°Is this what you had me come out here for? Just to feel an extra bone on your leg?¡±

    ¡°I told you it might sound strange, but I needed to get this off my chest. If there¡¯s anyone here who isn¡¯t perfect, it¡¯s me, babe.¡± I answered. ¡°It¡¯s something I wanted you to see and feel.¡±

    ¡°This? This bothered you?¡± She asked, incredulously.

    ¡°It never bothered me until it bothered my last girlfriend enough to leave me.¡± I said. ¡°I have purposely kept my leg away from your body when we¡¯re in bed together because of it, and I didn¡¯t want to lie to you about it. If it made her change her mind about me, then you deserve the same opportunity.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯ve held onto this for a year and a half?¡± She smiled.

    As I nodded in response, she kept her hand on my bone growth and then began to massage it.

    ¡°I think that if she left you because of this, she wasn¡¯t in love.¡± She said with the sincerest look of concern in her eyes¡ªas if Denise had left me just yesterday.

    ¡°I know that¡­now.¡± I replied, feeling foolish. ¡°It¡¯s crazy how at the time I wouldn¡¯t have been able to hear that from anyone, but coming from the person who made me realize I never loved her either¡ªthat I just thought I did, it means the world to me.¡±

    ¡°I hope you don¡¯t think I¡¯m dismissing what you¡¯ve shared with me. It¡¯s real to you and I totally appreciate it.¡± She said. ¡°I¡¯m just trying to tell you¡ªI love you no matter what.¡±

    As her hand remained on my leg, I brought her face to mine to kiss the woman who took away over seven years of doubt and pain. After Denise left me, I thought I would never find love¡ªthat my dream was officially dead. I realized at this moment, all I fought for both of us to have was the reason why I asked her to meet me today. I needed to believe she truly loved me, and that true love did exist. And if Anya were to leave me, just like Denise did, it couldn¡¯t have been true love. As insignificant as it seemed to Anya, I risked everything today just hoping to believe what we had was true love, I risked it all with this one action she deemed to be silly, and it gave me another reason to hold on and to fight for the true love I always believed in. As I slowly and reluctantly broke away from her lips, I had a few more words to say.

    ¡°Well, I kinda already knew you loved me with a couple of wooden legs.¡± I said. ¡°I just didn¡¯t want to leave anything to chance.¡±

    She smiled and then brought her lips down to kiss my bone.

    ¡°Sweet loving kisses for your ¡°extra¡± bone.¡± she said as her eyes aligned themselves back within my own watery ones. ¡°Another part of you to love.¡±

    My mother used to tell me for years that the extra bone on my leg wouldn¡¯t matter to someone who truly loved me¡ªand I never believed her. Anya¡¯s love had a healing power I never knew existed when her kiss did something a surgeon never could. She not only took away seven years of doubt, but also proved my mother to be prophetic.

    ¡°What you just did, babe.¡± I said as I fought back tears. ¡°Was something I thought I¡¯d only be able to dream of. For seven years, I subconsciously let this imperfection prevent me from getting close to people¡ªafraid it might turn them off. Although now I feel pretty damn embarrassed by asking you to come see me, I¡¯m glad I did.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m glad you shared and got it off your chest. Don¡¯t be embarrassed. I love you and it doesn¡¯t bother me at all.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m relieved¡­and just when I thought I couldn¡¯t love you more.¡±

    ¡°I think it took a lot of you to open up to me. And I¡¯m touched. Thank you for telling me.¡± she said, her eyes falling sincerely into mine. ¡°You should know me by now¡ªI love all of you.¡±

    ¡°I just didn¡¯t want you to think I¡¯m perfect.¡± I said. ¡°Far, far from.¡±

    ¡°Remember I¡¯m a nurse and have seen a lot. Not impressed by much. If you told me you had a third eye in the back of your head that would impress me!¡±

    ¡°Oh, that reminds me.¡± I laughed while moving my hands frantically behind my head in search of a third eye. ¡°I know it¡¯s around here somewhere. Hard to find that little bastard sometimes. Oh well, I guess I¡¯ll have to show it to you another time.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m not perfect!¡± she laughed.

    ¡°In my eyes you are, babe.¡± I said.

    ¡°You are in my eyes, too.¡± she said, her eyes filling up with moisture like mine.

    I put her face in my hands and put her soft cheek to mine. Sometimes, I just loved to feel her face against my own. I then put my lips to hers, inhaling her fully before kissing her. The sincerity in Anya¡¯s eyes as she spoke to me, and the way she turned her body to face me, with her legs under her on my car seat, made the blood race through my veins. I never felt more alive, and more in love with life or with anything else. With her by my side, it was easy to remember all the beauty we shared together. From the time she asked me if I would fight for her to the exact moment I arrived in Laguna Beach¡ªher perfect beauty before me. The night it rained and we retreated to her car to make out to the sound of rain drops on her windshield and to the way I felt when I drove home on that same rainy night listening to the CD she burned for me. Her four in the morning visit when she walked past me, her pony tail bouncing behind her anxiously¡ªthe best morning of my life. Our three mini dates on a usually lonely Saturday for me to the time she came to my apartment in tears because she felt she had to break up with me because of her summer plans, and not because she didn¡¯t love me. To the way the sun failed to outshine her on our beach to the moment she showed up at my room¡¯s door in San Diego, a bottle of wine in tow. The time she visited me with a rice dish I¡¯d taste forever and the happiness in her eyes and a smile that left me speechless whenever she proudly showed me the necklace I gave her. If we¡¯re lucky, we may get to experience the elation each of those moments brought me one time in a lifetime, but someone must have loved us from up there¡ªthey must¡¯ve loved us very much and knew our pain. Now, I had this moment to hold onto forever¡ªwhen she kissed the bone on my leg, a burden beyond burdensome for the last seven years, was just another instance of her perfection, and why she was so beautiful in my eyes.

    As she sat in my car with so much love in her eyes for me, a love she allowed me to feel like never before on this day. I felt so sad I ever questioned it. After the things I said that left her unsettled, she forgave me enough to meet me on a Sunday¡ªan extremely difficult day for her to get away with her kids and Jackson at home. She did it with a smile on her face and all the love in the world for me in her heart. She kept my dream that she would leave Jackson alive and my dream of true love alive¡ªwhy she was beyond the woman of my dreams and why I fought so hard inside myself. I would say that even my dream woman would¡¯ve never shown up today. On the day I planned to reveal my greatest physical flaw, Anya appeared before me flawless.

    ¡°I know I¡¯ve made you feel uneasy babe, but I¡¯m really tryin¡¯ to make it to where you don¡¯t have to walk on eggshells anymore.¡± I said. ¡°I struggle because I don¡¯t know what goes on at home, and I miss you so much. I let my mind wander when I don¡¯t hear from you and it gets the best of me, but I¡¯m working on it. It¡¯s not fair for you to feel you have to love me differently.¡±

    ¡°What do you think goes on at home between him and I?¡± she asked with genuine concern.

    ¡°Other than what I¡¯ve told you. Other than what you¡¯ve told me.¡± I explained. ¡°I wouldn¡¯t know what else to wonder about beyond that.¡±

    ¡°We¡¯re not a couple.¡± she said, her eyes within mine.

    ¡°As contradictive as this sounds, in a way, that makes me feel bad to hear. For a wife to say such a thing, it¡¯s just so sad.¡± I replied. ¡°You¡¯re just too beautiful inside and out for that. You¡¯re the last person in the world who should ever feel that way. It¡¯s why I fight so hard for you. Everything that makes you so beautiful, is going to waste.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯ve always told you the truth. We¡¯re just not a couple, Landyn. I live day to day¡ªjust waiting to sleep it off so I can do it all over again the next day.¡± She said. ¡°I¡¯m afraid I¡¯m always going to be guarded with you now.¡±

    ¡°I respect that.¡± I nodded, agreeing it was my fault. ¡°I love you.¡±

    ¡°I love you, too.¡± She said as she moved her lips into mine.

    The ¡°extra¡± bone was a subconscious source of low self-esteem for the last seven years, but Anya¡¯s reaction released me of the torment I felt from it, and brought me back to the same sense of peace I had before I met Denise. She kept my belief in our love alive and this could only help me understand her situation more. I knew my missing would only become greater, but at least the love Anya showed me today would not only revitalize my positive thoughts, but also our relationship, our friendship, and all the other things that made us soulmates.

    Unknown to us though there was a monster that still lurked in the darkness. An entity that worked in the shadows that only looked to break me down, and to destroy the love we found in each other. Along with my belief in true love.

 CHAPTER 5 ~ LOST WITHIN

    ¡°So how can it be true?

    How can you just turn and let me go?

    Let the story of your life with mine

    Forever go untold?"

    ¡°Here with Me¡± ~ REO Speedwagon

    ME: ¡°Thank you for making time for me yesterday to tell you about what I¡¯ve been holding inside for a year and a half. When you brought up ¡°holding back¡± the other day I knew it was time to share what I did with you. It just had nothing to do with you. Hands down, you¡¯re the most beautiful woman in the world to me. I know you¡¯re not shallow but I was afraid you thought I was perfect, but I¡¯m just not. When you don¡¯t have love in your life and someone reinforcing that, it¡¯s hard to get past things like this. It¡¯s been that way for 6 years before I met you. You start to believe no one could love you for who you are. My mom used to always tell me that when someone loves you nothing like that is going to matter to them. She was right. I love you for that. Goodnight.¡±

    After our meeting on Sunday, she said she could see me on Friday, and after I sent this midnight text to her, I stayed up to write in my journal to memorialize one of the best days of my life. I was certain she didn¡¯t think much of her gesture, but it meant the world to me as she singlehandedly erased six years of ruthless derision inside my head. I couldn¡¯t even go to sleep as it only brought more dreams of a knee taken under a Paris moon. She texted me early the next morning.

    ANYA: ¡°Good morning! Hope u got some sleep last night. I¡¯m sorry this concern has haunted you all this time. I¡¯m glad you told me but you could have a year and a half ago. It doesn¡¯t matter to me. What I¡¯m happy about is u don¡¯t have this hanging over u and ur relieved u told me.¡±

    When the word ¡®good¡¯ preceded ¡®morning¡¯, it was nice to see she seemed to have one as well. I was relieved it didn¡¯t matter to her as I hoped it didn¡¯t for all the right reasons, and not because she had no plans to leave Jackson. I couldn¡¯t believe that though¡ªnot after she brought her lips to kiss my condition. In essence, her kiss took it away out of mind. I felt anxious to be able to feel her skin even more against mine than before¡ªI didn¡¯t have to shy my leg away from her ever again. Anya didn¡¯t think much of it, but her acceptance was significant to my mind and heart. Anything she did that shut my mind off relieved the pressure we both faced from each other.

    On this particular workweek, Clyde asked me to cover for Kevin on a review client near Los Angeles International Airport¡ªa gourmet food company that farmed and sold imported artichokes from Peru. I had no idea the artichoke market was so big, and they were even packaged and sold in local supermarkets. Reviews were usually fairly simple and generally only required us to inquire of management about any material changes in their accounts from the prior period. However, this company had eleven subsidiaries and that made it not only more complicated, but also time consuming. As I sat down with the Company controller to go over the account variances over the last year, I couldn¡¯t get Anya off my mind. The love she showed me yesterday inspired me enough to be productive, but I missed her so much that I missed half of the answers the Controller gave me. Her love consumed so much from the prior day; I was too full to focus. When I wrapped up my inquiries, I went to my workspace to see if she had texted me. When I saw she hadn¡¯t, it made me a bit sad, so in an effort to regain my focus at a client¡¯s place of business, I texted to see how her day was going just before my lunch break.

    ANYA: ¡°At Katie¡¯s high school right now. Trying out for dance team. Sorry can¡¯t talk.¡±

    I had no one to blame but myself as I should have asked what she had on her plate before I texted her. Unable to talk to her, I skipped lunch to work through it so I could leave a little earlier and beat the airport freeway traffic. It wasn¡¯t until around four that afternoon that I heard back from her.

    ANYA: ¡°Sooooo sorry! Just finished!¡±

    It was sweet of her to apologize, but I felt like the one who should apologize for not asking her what her plans were for the day when she texted me early that morning. After a long day with Katie, I figured she would have a busy evening at home so I decided not to distract her with my neediness.

    When the next day rolled around and I didn¡¯t hear from her in the morning, but later that afternoon during my lunch hour, I texted to see how her day was going.

    ANYA: ¡°Good! Leaving soon to pick up Katie and friends. Will take them around 2:30 as registration opens 2:45. I miss you.¡±

    ME: ¡°Ok babe. I miss you too.¡±

    When she informed me that she planned to pick up Katie and her friends, it sparked a new concern within me. Were these new friends being introduced to the fa?ade of her marriage or were they old ones from her previous dance teams or school? Was she now being introduced to a completely new group of parents? It made me fear what she told him. Did she brag about who her husband was and what they did when she met new people? Did she enjoy being called Mrs. Caiaphas? I would think it would make her cringe if she didn¡¯t love her husband. It was scary to wonder that much of a charade was going on. That she would talk of herself and Jackson in glowing terms to an entire new set of acquaintances she met through Katie¡¯s love of dance. It worried me that this could pull her away at a time she pulled me in. As the day labored on, my worries and my missing of Anya only grew, as I tried to let her know I was thinking of her.

    ME: ¡°Hi babe! Have you ever purchased artichokes from the grocery store? I¡¯m working for the company that grows and sells it. It¡¯s called RTC Trading Company.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Maybe! I don¡¯t pay attention to the name but I¡¯ve grabbed artichokes from Whole Foods many times! I love artichokes! Good in pasta!¡±

    ME: ¡°Yikes! Not the P word!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ha ha! I know! I¡¯ll be sure to never ever make pasta for u!¡±

    ME: ¡°If you made me pasta, I¡¯d devour it! Remember I love you!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Hmmm I don¡¯t know about that cuz I love u but I still wouldn¡¯t eat your chicken or fish or meat dish! Ha!¡±

    ME: ¡°If I made you any of those dishes knowing you¡¯re a vegetarian, I should be immediately dumped! I love your cooking. I¡¯m sure I would love it.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Keep in mind ur partial cuz ur in love with me!¡±

    ME: ¡°Babe, you¡¯re a great cook! I make your rice dish all the time. You¡¯re really doing an injustice to the world by only allowing a select group to enjoy your cooking! If I wasn¡¯t in love with you, I¡¯d tell you the same thing! I¡¯m just lucky enough to taste your cooking b/c you¡¯re in love with me!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Awww that¡¯s sweet babe. Thank u!¡±

    If her cooking wasn¡¯t good, I would talk about it once and she would never hear about the dish again. I loved her cooking so much, I mimicked it. The tomato soup and truffle rice were both restaurant worthy¡ªher cooking was that good. To come home to her alone would be a dream come true in and of itself, but to come home to a great meal she made for me too? How could that not be heaven on earth? It made me more upset to think that Jackson had all of that, yet still cheated on her. He had a phenomenal cook and life partner and he chose to cheat on her? With another married woman? How arrogant could one be? How did he deserve her to begin with and how could she give herself to him still? It made me so sick to my stomach, I threw up my dinner that night.

    Later that evening, I texted Anya to see how her day went.

    ANYA: ¡°Good day. Not too tired actually. Thought about u!¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m still really touched by all the loving things you said to me on Sunday. I thought of you too but I always do! I love you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I love you.¡±

    I didn¡¯t know what to make of her ¡°thought about you¡± revelation. It made me wonder when she thought about me in what context she did. Did I just pop into her mind for a second or two? Was there something she saw that if she told me would break my heart? Just two days ago, she kissed my bone away, but now after seventeen months of missing and always thinking of me, it sounded as if I took up far less space in her head, and her heart.

    Anya then texted me about an hour later.

    ANYA: ¡°15-1 Dodgers!¡±

    ME: ¡°Go Dodgers! Congrats on the title!¡±

    Anya¡¯s text provided me with information as to why she cut our conversation off short. It also marked the first time I was happy for the Dodgers since I was a kid¡ªbefore the organization blew up its farm system and tried to win a title through free agency. These were Andrew¡¯s Dodgers though and my heart exploded with joy inside for him as I remembered just a year ago he went from finishing in last place to getting a trophy for finishing in first. Of course, it also worried me that the lady at the game seemed to be a non-issue now. Not that hoped it would always be, but I wondered how it seemed to be resolved. She even threw a house party with the team as if that lady at the game never bothered her a day in her life. Or maybe it was a good sign, that she recognized she had me in her life, and it finally didn¡¯t anger her anymore.

    When the next day arrived, and still stuck on a stressful engagement near LAX as I covered for Kevin, I hoped to hear from her, but when I didn¡¯t, I texted her that morning to see what her day entailed to better prepare myself for her silence.

    ANYA: ¡°Since we will go right into recital and competition after school is done, we only have the 1<sup>st</sup> weekend to go away. She wants to go to Cabo. Thinking about it.¡±

    ME: ¡°That sounds like fun!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I think so too!¡±

    Whenever Anya talked of taking trips to places, she would usually tell me she would love to go with me to the place we talked of one day. When I didn¡¯t receive anything like I received in the past, I felt she tried to manipulate and control my feelings for her. That was fine to do when we first met, but after seventeen months? Just three days ago, I never felt so loved by anyone before, and I didn¡¯t want to question it here, but she couldn¡¯t pull the rug out from under me like this unless she explained to me her strategy, and not just let me wonder about it. I didn¡¯t appreciate the mind game she seemed to play with me on this day, so I sent her a text to test her feelings for me.

    ME: ¡°I miss u.¡±

    After an hour passed and she hadn¡¯t responded to my ¡°I miss u¡± text, I didn¡¯t want to jump to conclusions in case she never received it. I then thought of her ¡°I thought of you¡± text from the prior evening, and thought that was so unlike her. She would have told me she thought of me all day, and not leave it up to misinterpretation. I decided to send her another text to see how she would respond.

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m near LAX and dreaming about getting lost with you somewhere.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°A trip sounds fun!¡±

    When Anya texted me quickly back, I didn¡¯t know what to think. I didn¡¯t want to push the issue so I decided to let it go, although I found it to be bizarre. When she texted ¡°a trip sounds fun¡±, something seemed off base to me with her. The Anya I knew would have sent me a text to say ¡°I would love to get lost with you somewhere!¡±. This response came from the same woman, who no more than two months ago, would go anywhere with me and even dreamt of our wedding. Her inconsistency sent me down a portal of fear¡ªfast and furiously. Did she just kiss my bone because she had no plans to be with me anyway? Is that why it didn¡¯t matter to her? I knew any time she spent with Katie could pull her in that direction, but this wasn¡¯t me versus her kids. Why did she need to be married to Jackson to have a good relationship with her kids? Anya¡¯s texts, and lack thereof, hit me hard on this day as there seemed a coldness to them. After all I shared with her on Sunday, after all she told me, it didn¡¯t make sense to me. I knew Anya was busy and had to be there for Katie, but she couldn¡¯t lead someone to believe she loved them yet make them feel like a burden. That¡¯s what I felt like¡ªa burden and not the man she loved. I knew she was busy with Katie, and I didn¡¯t want to take her away from what she needed to do. If Anya only loved me because I gave her the best of both worlds, I needed to know sooner, and not left to figure that out on my own. I started to feel the same way I did when Denise changed on me, but even worse because she never told me she loved me. if Anya¡¯s love changed for me, and not just the way she loved me, she needed to tell me or to provide me clues. She wanted me to be a big boy, but she couldn¡¯t even be a big girl and she was three years older than I was. What also made me a bit distraught was it seemed Anya looked to make new friends as Mrs. Caiaphas, and not as Mrs. Lastman. It burned me inside to think she introduced new people to the fa?ade of her marriage after she allowed and encouraged me to feel so much for her after I walked away. I understood the kid thing, I really did. I know why she had a hard time, but she had to be super sensitive to my heart after I trusted to give it to her after I walked away from her to avoid all I experienced now. When Anya changed the way she loved me, she didn¡¯t hope but demanded my feelings change for her in response. It only spoke volumes about the way she loved me¡ªwith a reckless abandon. She minimized my feelings to the point she felt I should be able to turn them off and on like a water faucet. That I knew her situation going in however she was the one who knew her situation going in. I only knew she was married and not all of these other things that are out of the ordinary that I couldn¡¯t have possibly known unless she disclosed them to me. At times, I felt she had led me to a place where we could be alone, but instead brought me into the deepest part of a den filled with salivating lions. I loved her to death. I wanted to believe she wouldn¡¯t do such a thing to me, especially after a day like Sunday. Her silence in Cabo and now just didn¡¯t feel like love at all to me. If she complained about the way Jackson loved her, and she didn¡¯t love him because of it, she seemed to be a hypocrite the way she now chose to love me. If she didn¡¯t change the way she loved me soon, I would do everything in my power to avoid falling off the edge of the cliff she led me to. If she struggled for a minute that she betrayed her kids by connecting with me, after all she told me so I¡¯d be here, I would¡¯ve never felt more betrayed by anyone in my lifetime.

    In an effort to stymie the fear I felt, I texted her again, to see if all these negative emotions were only an apparition brought on by the stress of my work.

    ME: ¡°Thinking of u. What r u up to?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Thinking of u too! End of the year stuff! Katie leaves tomorrow morning trying to get stuff done and carpool finalized.¡±

    ME: ¡°Where is she leaving to?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°New York w/temple.¡±

    ME: ¡°Oh! I didn¡¯t know she was leaving tomorrow.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°She goes to NY this month, possibly Cabo in June, Vegas in July and Malibu for 3 weeks in August.¡±

    ME: ¡°Do you usually help her pack?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Sometimes. She comes to me for advice.¡±

    I felt a little better as it seemed she was really tied up getting Katie ready for her trip. Her responses to my texts seemed to be consistent with those in line with someone who was running a mile a minute trying to get things done. I had to understand a mother¡¯s position when her first born child, a daughter, went on a trip¡ªlet alone a cross country one. I wanted to be fair to Anya, and not judge every move she made. She had a right to not text me, and if she was really busy like it seemed she was, I understood. I have always been a no to low maintenance guy but my heart and mind were at war. She needed to give me details so my heart could absorb the punches my mind threw at it. When she didn¡¯t consider how I felt that much to do so, it only confirmed what I thought could never be. That I loved her a lot more than she loved me, if she ever truly did at all.

    The next day did not bring any good feelings with it as well; a replication of the entire week as I texted Anya that morning to see how she was.

    ANYA: ¡°Good just going to take KB!¡±

    When she didn¡¯t ask me how I was, and on top of that she was even ¡®good¡¯, I felt sick to my stomach as I had to leave the client¡¯s office to spend some time alone in my car. I understood I had to finish second to her kids, but she now even put me behind kickboxing. All the things Jackson made Anya feel, I began to I feel as well¡ªtaken for granted, used and needed if it fit into her schedule. I didn¡¯t even feel like a need anymore; not even a luxury item, but rather pure novelty¡ªgood to look at just not good enough to buy. How could she dive headfirst into a relationship outside her marriage, allow and encourage people to fall madly in love with her, and expect them to understand she stayed because she had kids? After all the love I gave her after all she told me, after all the lonely nights I endured after she asked me to fight for her while she slept next to another man. After all the times being there for her whenever she needed me, how could she treat me this way? I didn¡¯t have her respect because I wasn¡¯t the provider of her children¡¯s security? Was that how she viewed me? She loved me so well, even better than any woman who was free to love me, but all along was it done behind a well-hidden agenda? Was there an ulterior motive behind her love I had yet to learn? Maybe she¡¯s been unable to workout because she had been so busy with Katie and was off mentally? I sat in my car for an hour before I found the strength enough to return to the client¡¯s office.

    I then decided to do my best to focus on the artichoke business instead of the pain I felt in my heart and head. As much as it gored me inside, I couldn¡¯t jump to conclusions, but I also couldn¡¯t text her anymore. I needed to let her run the show entirely from here. Each time I text her, it would only break my soul. If that was her intention, what could I do about it? I wanted to believe she loved me, but no one who truly loved someone would choose a kickboxing class over them. As much as it hurt to acknowledge, her love seemed to be a lie more than a feeling.

    A little after three p.m. that same day, she texted me.

    ANYA: ¡°How r u? Feels like Friday for some reason.¡±

    My strategy not to text her seemed to pay off. She usually texted me after kickboxing, but I think she knew it bothered me when I didn¡¯t text her during my lunch break. I couldn¡¯t deny it was nice to hear from her, but at the same time I didn¡¯t know who I heard from anymore or what her motive was. If it felt like Friday to her, an especially free day usually, why wouldn¡¯t she have time to text me in the morning?

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m hanging in there! It looks like I¡¯m going to have to dump this work off to staff people. I hate to do that but I can¡¯t do everything. I miss u.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I bet but delegating is a good thing! That¡¯s the way I do it ¨C the best way! I miss u too.¡±

    The way she left me to feel, it seemed her delegating remark was an admission she didn¡¯t love me enough to leave her husband. It only left me to question if she delegated to others then how come she couldn¡¯t see me or text me more often? Or maybe I¡¯m losing my mind to think such a thing. She returned my ¡°I miss u¡±, but after she chose her kickboxing over wishing me a good morning and to see how I was, it felt her text was sent only to pacify me. She probably hoped I was less than good so she could gauge if her tactic worked. I always did everything I could to make time for Anya, and I already finished last in her world, but to finish behind even kickboxing was tough. I knew she needed to work out, but I wasn¡¯t asking her to not go but could you make about ten minutes of time for me before you do? When she reached out though, I felt better, but her sporadic obligatory texts and Cabo-like silence had traumatized me a bit. She didn¡¯t have to text me all the time but after seventeen months together it felt like her love for me was really just small talk to her. I would never demand to be put on her ¡°schedule¡± but I could have never dreamt after all we¡¯ve shared¡ªI¡¯d only be a ¡°break in her schedule¡± or just another direction she was being pulled in. I then asked a question I feared to ask when we made plans on Sunday to meet on Friday.

    ME: ¡°Will you have time to see me tomorrow?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Well I have a parent lunch at school w/Andrew then I have to get the house ready for a house guest. Can I tell u later? Have to see how much I get done today.¡±

    ME: ¡°Of course!¡±

    This was definitely not the Anya I knew. When Anya loved me, there would be no question, just a time given. I felt better when she didn¡¯t shoot the idea completely down, but the ¡°house guest¡± ambiguity created a virus that made me sick again. After I gave her seventeen months of my life, in a situation I trusted her to never hurt me in, I felt she owed me more than ambiguity when it came to her ¡°house guest¡±. I didn¡¯t want to be nosy, but why has she always been so open with everyone else in her life except the ¡°house guest¡±? This provided me with yet another example of Anya¡¯s ¡°honesty¡± I had to take note of. ¡°Yes, I¡¯m having a house guest, but it will only upset you if I told you who it was¡±¡ªjust another half-truth, and that bothered me more than who it actually was.

    Four hours later though, Anya sent me a text to let me know if she could see me the next day.

    ANYA: ¡°Looks like Andrew¡¯s lunch goes till 12:40 so I can¡¯t come by till 1ish. Ok w/u?¡±

    ME: ¡°Only if it¡¯s ok with you. You know I¡¯m always available whenever I get a chance to see you. When does your house guest arrive?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Tomorrow night. Not really looking forward to it. Lots to do.¡±

    I hated to read into every word she used but my heart and life were on the line in a way I could never have imagined when I fell in love with her. The word ¡°really¡± in between ¡°not¡± and ¡°looking¡± seemed bizarre to me. Why would she just tell me she wasn¡¯t looking forward to it instead? I believed what she told me was true but it only made me wonder even more who the house guest was and why there was ¡°lots to do¡± for their arrival. As much grief as I felt over the last few days, I didn¡¯t want her to feel it at all because she had so much going on.

    ME: ¡°It will be nice once everything is done and then you could look forward to spending time with the house guest.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s nice to have u to look forward to!¡±

    Her sweet words provided the antibody that fought back the virus that claimed me over the last few days. Her daily presence in my life helped smooth out the bumps in the day for me. When I didn¡¯t hear from her the way I grew used to, it derailed me mentally. Now when she went silent on me, I felt she played a game with my emotions at this stage of our relationship. I should feel secure, but without a promise to leave Jackson, how could I? She could kiss the bone on my leg everyday but what would it mean without her next to me anytime I wanted her there? At this point, I felt like a dog begging at her dinner table for food scraps. The way she chose to love me made me dependent on her, and I found it impossible to pull away for reasons even beyond that. I knew her sadness, and that made it as hard to pull away from as my own. Her sadness was equally important to me as mine was. She told me they weren¡¯t even a couple, and she was too damn beautiful to live that way. My success on the job was dependent on her love as well¡ªwithout it I lost the ability to focus. I had a job that was dependent upon billing rates and if I couldn¡¯t concentrate, I was doomed. I would lose the partnership promotion I worked nearly the last decade for. I had come a long way, and she was as much a part of me now as the bone on my leg was. She meant everything to me though, and if lost her, I¡¯d lose so much more of all the things that made me; me. I came into this relationship for one purpose¡ªto save her from a lifetime of unhappiness in an unloving marriage, but now I relied on her to save me too.

    ME: ¡°It¡¯s been a long week for me. I can¡¯t wait to see you!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I can¡¯t wait to see you too! Let¡¯s have a liquid lunch ¨C Coronas!¡±

    ME: ¡°I love the way you think, Beautiful!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Cool!¡±

    Although ¡°cool¡± wasn¡¯t her usual response to when I called her ¡°beautiful¡±, I surmised something about her house guest stole the Anya I knew away. An hour later she sent me a ¡°goodnight!¡± text which was nice as I felt our love was back in alignment. I didn¡¯t want to be unfair to her. She had a busy week with the kids, and she made time to see me this week so I couldn¡¯t hold those days against her. Every minute of the day now, my heart ached to be with her and at times, it was hard to understand her silence when I felt so much. I didn¡¯t want to punish her for the times we couldn¡¯t feel close. I didn¡¯t want to penalize her for loving me, but her love felt like an infection when she acted differently and I had no antibody for it. I also didn¡¯t know how to handle all my emotions in an environment that required my focus as stress compounded my reactions. Thankfully, she put me back on the right path later that day so I had a chance to feel right again with her in my arms.

    There are days in our lives that come in which we have no idea of their significance, and the twenty second day in May 2009, was one of those days for me. It felt just like another day Anya visited me, but the day of her forty-sixth visit to my apartment, would be nothing like any of her prior visits. I decided to take the day off in an attempt to make it special for both of us, and I woke up early to inform her of this decision.

    ME: ¡°Good morning! I decided to take the day off. I might be a few Coronas ahead of you before you get here! JK! Excited to see you!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Good morning! Well, I¡¯m going to have to down my Corona in 2 seconds b/c I don¡¯t have much time! Will leave lunch at 12:40ish and have to pick up at 2:20.¡±

    When I read her text, I didn¡¯t know how much time this translated to, but it seemed like we had at least an hour together¡ªwhat we usually had. Even if she could only stay for twenty minutes, I was just happy to see her. My only real concern was this being hard on her. If this visit put too much stress on her then I couldn¡¯t feel right about it. If she were to get in accident trying to fit me in then I¡¯d never forgive myself.

    ME: ¡°Please don¡¯t stress. If it¡¯s too much on you, just let me know. I¡¯d totally understand. I¡¯m just happy to see and spend some time with you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Sorry really pressed for time. Andrew gets out early and have to grocery shop b4 his practice at 4 pm and guest at 5 pm.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m just really touched you would come see me. That means a lot more to me than how long you stay. Stop feeling guilty, babe. I love u, u know. I¡¯d love you to stay longer, u know that, but it means a lot when u visit no matter how long. It tells me you love me.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I do love u! Gtg! Enjoy ur morning! C u soon!¡±

    The Anya I knew would have been excited to see me, but something didn¡¯t feel right to me about her visit. It seemed I had become a burden in her life more than the man who came to save her from unhappiness¡ªthe disease; not the antidote. I only wanted her to come visit, only if she wanted to, and in the past, nothing stopped her. She would get things done early just to spend more time with me, but I felt like an obligation, loved but not needed. All week it felt like she was on a mission to fall out of love with me, and have me do the same.

    I didn¡¯t want to give her a hard time about it. I chose to be here and was a willing participant however if I knew I¡¯d be in such torment, and mothers sacrificed their happiness for the sake of her husband¡¯s money, even staying with successful men who abuse them emotionally afraid, I would have never been willing at all. I hated to say this but it seemed all she told me when we met was a lie to hook me in. Once she had me on her hook, she tried to throw me back in the water after I went brain dead due to a lack of oxygen. For me to end our relationship was to not only fail her but to commit suicide in many ways as well. I couldn¡¯t help but feel I deserved more from her. She told me she risked ¡°everything¡± to be with me, but what was everything? In my mind, ¡°everything¡± couldn¡¯t have been all it was cracked up to be if she was willing to risk it at all. After almost eighteen months together, she had changed nothing about her life¡ªnot one single thing. How could she tell me she risked ¡°everything¡± yet never changed a thing? It was one thing to be willing to risk ¡°everything¡± but another thing to lose everything. It seemed she was only willing to risk everything because the risk of losing everything never existed.

    ANYA: ¡°Here¡± A case of theft: this story is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.

    I had extreme negative emotions about this visit when she arrived. I usually spent the time steeped in anticipation and thinking of creative ways to make it memorable for her before her arrival, but our eighty-eighth meeting carried a great deal of apprehension and anxiety for me. When I added up all the texts within the last eighteen months, and a couple weeks away from the night we met two years ago, her unwillingness to change anything about her life stung me more on this day than any other day before. I didn¡¯t want to spend my lunch hours depressed with a silent phone in my hand ever again. I didn¡¯t want to read into her texts anymore, and I surely didn¡¯t want to question her love. I knew all my doubts couldn¡¯t be instantly removed anyway, but I needed her to eliminate most of them to avoid any pressure she didn¡¯t want from me. I knew my pressure not only affected her but also her kids, and it¡¯s the last thing I wanted. At the same time, after all she ever led me to believe and trust in, and all she allowed me to feel, she owed it to me to make some changes, if she couldn¡¯t give me promise and she loved me¡ªto show she respected my heart, feelings and emotions. More than anything, I needed to know she wanted to be an honest person and not live a dishonest life. That she knew the benefits in that, and not the just the pain it could bring her kids. I felt her kids both knew something was wrong. Andrew asked Anya to promise him she wouldn¡¯t leave him. Katie overheard Anya threaten to divorce Jackson. How could she continue to lie to them? She fell in love with another man because that man respected, loved, valued and honored their mother. Why couldn¡¯t she vouch for me based on those things if she had come this far? Especially if she made a twenty-five-minute drive to see me for as little as thirty minutes? These were the things on my mind the minute she arrived¡ªthings I didn¡¯t want to share with her on this visit. I feared if she mentioned one thing that made me feel unneeded in her life, I wouldn¡¯t be able to hold this storm that brewed inside of me just before her visit. I had no Vicodin this time to turn to. I had to go into this with no feelings of euphoria but rather feelings of desperation.

    Like every other visit before it, when she appeared at my gate, we were both ecstatic to see each other. She even snatched my hand in hers as we walked together, past the blooming Tiger Lilies, the white bottomed singing birds, and even the family of ducks that strode right before us. When we reached my apartment, I sprang into action to maximize the time we had together.

    ¡°I¡¯m only one Corona ahead of you.¡± I said while retrieving two Coronas from my refrigerator. ¡°You want a lime with yours, babe?¡±

    ¡°Yes, please.¡± she responded. ¡°Only one? I thought for sure you¡¯d be way ahead of me!¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s no fun drinking without you.¡± I said as I put a lime on the rim of her bottle and handed it to her. ¡°Cheers.¡±

    ¡°Cheers. Thank you.¡± she said, touching her glass bottle to mine. ¡°I have to drink this pretty quick because I have to get back to pick up Andrew. I can only stay for about twenty minutes.¡±

    ¡°Twenty minutes?¡± I responded, fighting to hide my disappointment. ¡°Sweetheart, I¡¯m happy to see you but I feel bad¡ªI wouldn¡¯t have made you drive all this way for just twenty minutes.¡±

    ¡°I wanted to have a Corona with you.¡± she said as she took a hearty drink of her beer. ¡°I have to go shopping after I pick up Andrew from school. My sister-in-law is staying with us for a week.¡±

    Even though I found it strange she never mentioned who her house guest was, I didn¡¯t want to be nosy so I didn¡¯t ask. When she told me, it was her sister-in-law, she was the last person I expected it to be. Each time she hurt me with the things she did, or failed to disclose, I dealt with my emotions from behind the comfort of my phone. I could hide them from her so it didn¡¯t become an issue but this was the first time I felt this way with her in person. I took a few more sips of my Corona and tried to stave off the pain that built inside after. I then realized she made this trip just to tell me in person so she could see my reaction. She was looking for a way out and I¡¯d be unable to hide my reaction over the phone from her. If she saw me in pain as she methodically extricated herself from me, she¡¯d have a reason to leave me for good. That way she didn¡¯t have to feel bad about betraying her kids¡ªif that¡¯s what she believed. My heart, all she did to bring me here no longer mattered¡ªshe wanted out. The kiss in the leg was meaningless. The bikini pictures in Cabo were sent to remember her by. She knew having her sister-in-law visit would break me and a liquid lunch to soften the blow made all the sense in the world. When my hand began to tremble, I quickly downed the beer I had¡ªsomething she never saw me do before. I had to get it out of my grasp before she knew her mission was a success. She then looked in my eyes with concern¡ªwith the same sincerity in them when I told her about the bone on my leg. She then stoked the fire that now burned hot in the pit of my stomach.

    ¡°Did I say something wrong?¡± she asked, knowing full well she did.

    I tried to hold in all I felt. I didn¡¯t want to pressure her. I didn¡¯t want to give her grief after she drove twenty-five minutes to spend even less than that with me. I sincerely appreciated it and she was my guest. What she told me exacerbated all I felt over the last few days. I felt she wasn¡¯t being honest with me about things, even her feelings for me as I didn¡¯t feel love from a woman who claimed to love me. How could she make plans to entertain her sister-in-law after all we¡¯ve shared? How could she live such a lie?

    ¡°Are you telling me all I need to know, Anya?¡± I asked as my voice trailed off in exasperation.

    ¡°What do you mean?¡±

    ¡°I mean¡­what exactly is going on at your house?¡± I asked.

    ¡°Why are you asking me that?¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t know. Maybe because you told me your husband cheated on you several times and I¡¯m in your life solely because of it? Yet you¡¯re entertaining his sister after all we¡¯ve shared?¡± I jabbed. ¡°How are you able to do that? To look at her with a straight face? What¡¯s going on over there that I¡¯m not aware of that allows you to be okay with something like that.¡±

    Anya stood up from her chair, and stared at me for what seemed like an eternity before she spoke.

    ¡°I don¡¯t know what to say¡­¡± she softly spoke. ¡°or do anymore.¡±

    ¡°I know what you should do, but if I express that, then I¡¯m the bad guy and it¡¯s pressure and everything else other than love to you.¡± I retorted, unable to look at her. ¡°I understand it¡¯s Katie¡¯s and Andrew¡¯s aunt too and I get that part, but that¡¯s his sister. After all we¡¯ve shared, whether we¡¯re together or not, how could you? How are you able to look into everyone¡¯s faces and lie so easily as if we never shared a single moment together? Now that¡¯s pretty scary.¡±

    ¡°Scary?¡± she asked.

    ¡°What scares me about it is that you seem to trivialize heartbreaks.¡± I explained. ¡°Like they¡¯re nothing, and anyone who experiences them should be able to just get over them¡ªjust like that.¡±

    ¡°What do you mean?¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t minimize heartbreaks because I know what they feel like. The things you do and say sometimes though, it makes it seem like you¡¯ve never had your heart broken before.¡± I continued. ¡°Heartbreaks are different for me than for most people¡ªI¡¯m not Greg Laswell who can pick up a guitar and easily recover from his heartbreaks. Lance could pretty much do the same thing if he wanted to¡ªall he has to do is sing one of his romantic songs and women swoon over him. I don¡¯t have that gift. I don¡¯t have the same opportunities to move on from heartbreak that these other guys do. They have no clue what love is let alone what a real heartbreak feels like. If my girlfriend left me the same way Greg¡¯s did, I¡¯d never see another one in my life for a decade. That¡¯s real heartbreak. I¡¯m a normal man, Anya¡ªnothing special here. Heartbreaks last a lifetime for men like me¡ªnever a divorcee, always the widower. I only hurt people who hurt me.¡±

    Anya looked at me in disbelief, unable to speak, so I continued.

    ¡°The night we reconnected you told me I broke your heart. I cared so much about breaking your heart, I came back into your life because I wanted to take care of it the way you always deserved, and what¡¯s my reward? You breaking my heart. Something I can¡¯t afford at this age.¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t minimize heartbreaks.¡± she said. ¡°You¡¯re wrong.¡±

    ¡°All you¡¯ve ever done is break hearts.¡± I scolded. ¡°You broke up with a guy that left him so broken¡ªhe moved to another state. You broke off your engagement to someone whose ring you accepted and then left him for your husband. Over the last eighteen months, you¡¯ve left me pretty much convinced Lance never broke your heart¡ªyou broke his when you told him ¡°Mothers sacrifice their happiness for the kids¡±¡ªthe perfect out. Just tell me you don¡¯t love me anymore¡ªthat all I ever was is someone to have fun with. The only heart that is broken here is mine and it breaks every day with the things you do, like this.¡±

    I tried to keep my voice down, but I lost a third of my hearing in my left ear and didn¡¯t know how loud I was. She didn¡¯t look fearful at all though, but when tears fell from her soft dark eyes like a waterfall, I immediately regretted my words.

    ¡°I have to walk, Landyn.¡± she said.

    ¡°Please don¡¯t walk. I am so sorry.¡± I said, bringing her body into mine. ¡°I know she¡¯s Katie and Andrew¡¯s aunt. I don¡¯t know what I¡¯m saying anymore. It just caught me by surprise, and I had a hard week. I just never expected it to be your husband¡¯s sister.¡±

    All I could do was hold her as she wept on my shoulder. I didn¡¯t know what I could do. I could say ¡°I¡¯m sorry¡± a million times over, but I had already pulled the trigger. All I could do was wait for her response, but I knew at that moment I had chipped away the last piece of her.

    ¡°I have to go.¡± she said as she slowly pulled herself away from me.

    ¡°Okay. Let me walk you out.¡± I reluctantly agreed, reaching for and handing her two tissues. ¡°My emotions just got the best of me. I¡¯m sorry for doing that to you.¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t want to walk.¡± She replied. ¡°but I have to.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m too disgusted with myself to talk you out of it.¡± I answered, trying to hide my own tears from her. ¡°I can¡¯t blame you. I had a bad week, and it just got the best of me. I feel too much now¡­too much.¡±

    Before we left my apartment, I dried her eyes with a tissue to make sure her kids would never know I just made their mother cry¡ªsomething you never do to someone you; die for. I then held her and ran my hands through her beautiful dark hair for what I feared would be the last time. I then put my cheek to hers to feel her soft face before she departed from my life for good. I wanted to kiss her, to share oxygen with her, but feared it would disrespect her after my breakdown. In those brief two minutes before we left my place together, I revisited all the beautiful moments we ever had in the same entryway we now stood. I couldn¡¯t control my emotions anymore, and had to face that reality. I didn¡¯t know if this visit would be her last, but it certainly felt like it was. Her guarded stance and her silence would only be more pronounced.

    I walked out with her beyond my gates, wanting to make sure she got in her car safely and her face looked the same way it arrived. She then drove slowly off and waved goodbye. I then sat down on a curb in the parking lot, hoping she might drive back. An hour passed before I would return to my apartment empty hearted. My mind replayed the barrage of tears that fell down her face and knowing I couldn¡¯t contact her with Jackson¡¯s sister there. It was too late to view the house guest as an aunt rather than her sister in law¡ªI couldn¡¯t take back the hurtful words. I couldn¡¯t take back the painful reasons I concocted about her coming to see me to end us without realizing no one who wasn¡¯t in love would drive twenty-five minutes to come see someone for just twenty minutes. The fear of losing her had turned me into damaged goods.

    I wanted so badly for the dishonest nature of our love to change and I just couldn¡¯t take another instance of it. If she couldn¡¯t leave Jackson now, with Katie now going to high school, the dishonesty would spread to new friends of the family, and my heart couldn¡¯t handle that. I gave my heart to her because I could¡¯ve never foreseen these scenarios after all she told me. Why couldn¡¯t she be proud of me? The harsh reality was this¡ªif Jackson were broke, there¡¯s no doubt she would have left him a long time ago. The man who loved her had become the monster. I was no longer an enigma to her, but the one who kept her from the better world.

    I found myself on one of the two empty stools at my kitchen bar¡ªmy eyes unable to leave her unfinished Corona bottle, as if she was still there. I never cared much for Corona beer until I met Anya, and now it was my favorite. I always despised dark heavy rain clouds before I met her too and how they stole the sun away, but now I looked forward to the downpour. Before I met her, I only had an affinity for soft and hard rock music because it spoke to me, but she made me fall in love with a genre of music I used to greatly despise only because I it now spoke to me too. She brought out someone in me, I always was¡ªI just locked that person away to deal with all the disappointments in my life. In the middle of my rant about her breaking the hearts of others, I broke her heart in the process after nearly a year and a half of believing I¡¯d never do such a thing.

    Her half full Corona bottle provided me with all the evidence I needed¡ª to know this darkness was the greatest I had ever known. When I couldn¡¯t distinguish the light of day from the darkest night, I knew I was in for the fight of my life. For the first time, I felt I needed a painkiller to get through this. And for the first time, ever, I decided to drive to my mother¡¯s house for the most selfish of reasons¡ªto see if I could bum a few Vicodin off a woman with Stage Four Cancer. On my way into town, I drove over the Vincent Thomas Bridge, and also for the first time ever, I really studied it. I observed all of its details to educate myself which route was best¡ªto reach its highest point. If I lost Anya for good, and if I was about to lose my mother as well, the only two people I had on my side in this world¡ªI simply couldn¡¯t occupy this space anymore. It was time to leave this world as unceremoniously as I entered it.

    When I got to the house, I noticed my father¡¯s truck wasn¡¯t in the driveway. I soon also learned once I stepped inside, my mother wasn¡¯t there either¡ªit was her chemo treatment day. When I went inside the bedroom to seek her pill bottle, I didn¡¯t have to look hard as it stood ostentatiously upon my mother¡¯s dresser. Without her there, I took more than I ever did before¡ªby at least twenty-five pills. I immediately popped three in my mouth to combat the horrific emptiness I felt. I then went to the kitchen and stared out of the window over the kitchen sink as I waited for their effect on me. When I caught a blue-sky moon on the horizon, I tried to recapture the magic I felt on my way to meet Anya at Maestros¡ªa time we had trouble before. I caused this pain though, and had no idea how to repair it. Somewhere beyond the blue-sky moon, the Universe listened¡ªin the form of a red light that blinked on my phone.

    ANYA: ¡°Sick to my stomach. Hope ur ok.¡±

    I knew that sick to my stomach feeling so well, I knew she could never fake it. I then desperately tried to make her feel better. As she tried to make the man, who didn¡¯t deserve to feel better, feel better.

    ME: ¡°Sick to my stomach too. I¡¯ve failed you. All I ever wanted to do was make you happy, but all I did was fail you. Beside myself with sadness. I¡¯m sorry for hurting you today. I¡¯m sorry for hurting you and your kids by hurting their mother. You¡¯re the only reason I look forward to my next breath. I¡¯m sorry you have to hurt right now and I hate that I¡¯m the reason for that. I¡¯m sorry for being at the mercy of love. I¡¯m sorry you¡¯re sick to your stomach. I¡¯m sorry for being less than a man and breaking your heart. I¡¯m sorry I accused you of breaking the hearts of others. I¡¯m so terribly sorry to do this to you when you had to pick up Andrew and you have your sister-in-law visiting. It was extremely selfish of me. I feel just awful after all you did just to come see me. Breaks my heart to do that to you. I don¡¯t blame you for walking. I¡¯ve never had anyone love me so much, be so kind and care so much about me. I want to believe it¡¯s real. I just hope you don¡¯t get too upset with me for wanting to have that every day. Just know I love you with every piece of my heart.¡±

    After I sent this text off to her, I read it a couple of times¡ªI hoped to not sound too pathetic. As the effects of the Vicodin began to kick in, I hoped she texted me again to build some positive energy. When she did, under the blue-sky moon, it caught me by surprise.

    ANYA: ¡°I really really tried.¡±

    ME: ¡°You really tried today, and I hurt you over something so senseless. It was so nothing. I think I need help. You¡¯re in love with me, I have you right in front of me and I act that way? I don¡¯t even understand myself anymore. I hope you¡¯re ok. I feel so bad for you. I¡¯m here in any way you need me. You did nothing wrong, everything right and I punished you for it. I feel sick to my stomach for you, not for me.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Don¡¯t be so hard on yourself. You¡¯re in love with me that¡¯s why. Felt like a liar even though I didn¡¯t lie about my house guest. I just don¡¯t know what to say anymore.¡±

    ME: ¡°I know. I¡¯m fed up with me. Period. I have an issue I need to get straightened out. I¡¯m stressed. I¡¯m fatigued. I¡¯m in love. I need to seek help when it hurts someone I love. There¡¯s just no excuse for it.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Please don¡¯t be so hard on yourself. I love u.¡±

    ME: ¡°No. I have to, babe. It was way out of line, and I wasted your time. I¡¯m not deserving of your love right now. You did nothing to deserve my tirade. On a day you should have only been smiling about, I instead brought tears to your beautiful face. I¡¯m so sorry for letting you down. I love you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I love you too.¡±

    I felt at a loss for words as Anya was so distraught, she broke away from her house guest to text me. When I considered all I told her, even though part of it might have been justified, it didn¡¯t make it right. I always prided myself on being a gentleman¡ªalways the man women missed out on. It was the first time I was no better than Jackson. A real man doesn¡¯t make the woman he loves drive all that way just to spend time with him then send her back home to her own kids an emotional wreck. Her inconsistent communication hurt me, but I had no right to accuse her of the things I did. I could ask her about it, but to go off the way I did after she drove all the way over to spend time with me¡ªthere was just no right in that.

    I then decided to drive home as I didn¡¯t want my mother to see me this way when she had her own struggle. I also had to explain to her why I took so many of her pills and had to come up with a good reason besides ¡°I was desperate¡±. During the drive home, I began to talk to myself in disgust which prompted me to take another Vicodin, the fourth one I took in less than an hour. When I got home, I walked through my apartment like a it was a morgue¡ªcaught up in its nostalgia. As I walked in the entry way, I imagined her purse on the counter. All the times she couldn¡¯t wait to be in arms that ached to have her in them. We spent so much time in the entryway showing our affection for each other, we barely had enough time to spend in the bedroom. I¡¯d never forget the time she went through the entry way with her hair in a pony tail that moved with excitement and in perfect tune with the beat of my heart. The living room was also full of memories. The time she spoke the words of ¡°Una Toda Vida¡± to me with all the love in the world in her eyes. Our slow sensual dance that made me never want to dance with anyone else ever again. The time she stood there in tears only to show me the greatest love I¡¯ve ever felt in my life. The time I picked her up and carried her to the bedroom. The two pictures and candle holders I got for my bathroom to make it feel more comfortable. I then fixated on the bottles of her perfume which stood proudly next to my bottle of cologne on my dresser. The bed had the most memories. How we always threw our clothes on the floor then met in the middle of it. I lost count of all the times I anticipated her soft skin touching mine¡ªrubbing her breasts upon my chest when we embraced. All the times she laid down on a pillow, her beautiful dark hair strewn upon it perfectly. The many times we inhaled each other, exhaling only to say ¡°I love you¡±. I then stumbled upon all the candles I planned to burn for future visits that now seemed unlikely to ever meet a flame. She was in every part of my apartment and in every breath I took. When I finally laid on the right side of my bed, the only side I ever slept on since I met her, all I could do was wonder if she would ever lie to my left again.

    When the next day arrived, May 23<sup>rd</sup>, a Saturday, I remained in my bed¡ªa state of paralysis. I tried not to think, because if I did, she would dominate my mind and I couldn¡¯t imagine a world without her in it. My mother left me a message on my phone wondering why she was missing so many pills and to call her back. All I could do was reach for another Vicodin to not only make the silence around me tolerable, but to try and recapture the time when I deserved her love. Although Anya understood why I cracked, I couldn¡¯t find any solace in it. Like a galaxy on a natural collision course with another, my mind only knew self-destruction. I thought love could change that, but even with all this love I had for Anya, I was still unable to use reason. If I could¡¯ve just focused on my heart and the ¡°aunt¡± role of her house guest, I would have been just fine. My mind thwarted my heart and the role of Jackson¡¯s sister instead. Her silence during the week and in Cabo that weekend left my mind to its own devices. I couldn¡¯t see past her accommodating nature for his sister¡¯s visit¡ªan extension of her love and respect for the man she told me she didn¡¯t have feelings for. I knew she didn¡¯t love him the same way she loved me. She told me she didn¡¯t love him at all though because of the things he did to her, and I trusted that with my life. I even trusted with my life she would be true to all those around her¡ªif she fell in love with me. I had endured too much heartbreak before I met her to ever risk putting myself in a position of heartbreak again¡ªespecially one that on a surface level would only lead to heartbreak. That is what broke me down.

    I hated to see a single tear fall from her eyes. Even though I felt wronged, I betrayed her when a single tear fell from them. I remembered all the times my father¡¯s words made my mother cry, and how it made me vow to never allow a tear to fall from the eyes of someone I loved. Anya had a very busy week, and her silence over those days hurt. I even believed she loved me differently because her feelings had changed, and not because she feared I¡¯d pressure her. Although she could¡¯ve reached out more than she did, she still found a way to come see me. For her to make a twenty-five-minute drive just to spend twenty minutes with me¡ªwhile she had to race back to pick up her son and get the house ready for her sister-in-law, was a subtle admission and apology to me for the silence during the week. If she wanted to lose me. If she didn¡¯t love me¡ªshe would¡¯ve never showed up. I then thought about the pain, the sadness I rewarded her with that she carried home to her kids and how it affected them. It broke my heart she had to step away from all she had to get done, not just to visit me, but so she could feel better after I tore into her. Especially when I knew my love got her through her days, like her love got me through mine. I just couldn¡¯t get my mind off the tears I caused to fall down her cheeks. This convinced me I needed help to fight back what threatened to take the only thing I ever truly loved in life away from me.

    I didn¡¯t expect to hear from her at all the day after my tirade, and refused to text her¡ªI wanted to respect her feelings and space. She had her sister-in-law over and didn¡¯t need me distracting her. There were times when I never expected to hear from her, I did, and these were one of those rare times.

    ANYA: ¡°Hope ur ok.¡±

    After I took my third Vicodin of the day, I couldn¡¯t give her any assurances I was. I could only hope I was too.

    ME: ¡°Other than missing you to death. I just hope ur ok. I love you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I love you.¡±

    I respected the fact Anya didn¡¯t miss me to death too¡ªI didn¡¯t deserve to be missed. All I could do was reiterate how awful I felt about all I said. You don¡¯t invite a guest to your home and then send them off in tears¡ªespecially when that guest is a mother who has to go home to her kids.

    ME: ¡°The hardest part for me was seeing the look in your eyes yesterday. Seeing the tears, and all I can think about was all the tears I haven¡¯t seen from the other times I¡¯ve hurt you. It just tears me apart to even imagine how your drive home felt when you left here yesterday, but I¡¯m also sorry for every tear that has ever touched your cheeks because of me. Yesterday was definitely the saddest, most painful moment of my life. I just hope you¡¯re ok. I don¡¯t deserve to be ok for putting you through that.

    ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s ok.¡±

    ME: ¡°No, it¡¯s not.¡±

    Strong emotions of anger, sadness, and fear left me with an uneasy feeling in my stomach¡ªmy past the catalyst to all of them but never to this extreme before. Saturday nights were the hardest nights for me as I faded into the darkness on this particular one, bound to a bed and four walls that felt much more like a prison than a room named for its comfort. I set my alarm for six the following Sunday morning¡ªan attempt to get physically stronger at the gym. I only felt strong enough however to turn off my alarm when it broke the morning silence. I didn¡¯t know what to expect on this day as it was easier to expect nothing, confined to my bed yet another day¡ªnot even inspired enough to eat for a second straight day. I had never experienced the dark like this before¡ªa darkness that existed even in the light of day. Even after each torturous night, with my vivid imagination after Denise left me for someone else, I still found the strength to leave my bed the next day. On a mentally debilitating Sunday, at about a half hour past three, I texted Anya just to see if she was okay.

    ME: ¡°I hope ur ok. Just thinking of you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Been at a funeral and reception all day. I¡¯m very sad. Overwhelmed with losses.¡±

    When I learned of the funeral and reception, it seemed to suggest the reason for the house guest¡ªa piece of information that would¡¯ve helped me to understand better. Information that could¡¯ve stopped my tirade in its tracks. It appeared someone from Jackson¡¯s side of the family had passed away, and I don¡¯t know why she hid that from me. I guess it was for the best because she knew anything, she did for Jackson annoyed me, but a death in the family was something entirely different¡ªshe had to know I made an exception for that.

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry for your loss. You didn¡¯t lose me, u know. I¡¯m the one who lost you with the way I handled things. I¡¯m the loser here. I¡¯m very sad too and I¡¯m still sick to my stomach. I lost the most important thing in my life. You still have both of those things; Katie and Andrew. You didn¡¯t lose babe. I¡¯m sorry you¡¯re so sad. I wish I could be there for you.¡±

    Of the twenty-five Vicodin I took from my mom¡¯s bottle; I had already taken sixteen of them in two days as I tried to mask the sadness I felt. Although they helped me feel better, I still couldn¡¯t escape from my bed. All I could do was fade in and out of the light, with memories of being unable to distinguish a rainy day from a sunny one with her in my life. I failed her and had to find a way to right this ship for her before it sank, if it still even had a life preserver on board. How could I punish someone who loved me like no one ever did before? If something inside me wasn¡¯t broken, it surely was damaged. How could I be so emotionally abusive towards her? How could I berate the only woman who has ever loved me? How could I stop this from every happening again?

    At about a half hour past eight that Sunday evening, I reached out to her one last time.

    ME: ¡°Thinking of you. Hope you¡¯re doing ok.¡±

    Twenty-six minutes later, she responded.

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m ok. Hope u r too.¡±

    It was nice to hear she was ok, and not sad. I understood she would be sad, but felt that should be reserved for the fool who made her feel such. As much as the things she did got my wheels spinning, whether necessarily or unnecessarily, I loved her to death. To see her in any pain or sadness, the very reason why I chose to be in her life, killed me inside. I never wanted to win an argument, if it caused her tears to fall¡ªI only wanted to be wrong about the things I feared I might be right about. If Anya and I argued, I contended with no desire to win but with only a wish to lose¡ªfor her to prove me wrong.

    On this particular Sunday evening, I finally extracted myself from bed to transfer my dead weight to my desk chair. I then took another Vicodin and planned to reread my daily journals from the time we first met all the way up until the time she left my apartment in tears. I wanted to feel all the emotions I ever felt, especially the laughs and all the ¡°feel good¡± moments, but when I got to my ¡°All I Know¡± texts I sent, the ones she saved, fear and sadness consumed me. I then realized my poor decision to tear her down would only lead her to delete the only texts she ever saved, and my heart and soul at the same time. Tears began to stream down my own face when I considered she may never wear the necklace I got for her ever again, and that¡¯s when I had to send her another text before I could return to bed.

    ME: ¡°Sorry for the late text. As you can probably tell from the texts, I¡¯ve sent you over the weekend I¡¯m having a hard time. I just can¡¯t get the image of you hurting on Friday out of my mind. I saw how much I mean to you. I have always known you as a person who hides things at times and to see that come out of you was heart wrenching to me. Like I said, all I can think about are all the times I¡¯ve hurt you and all the tears you¡¯ve cried because of me, and I wasn¡¯t there to hold you. To tell you I¡¯m sorry. You will tell me it¡¯s ok but I know it¡¯s not.¡±

    ME: ¡°I made a foolish, hurtful, blanket statement when I said ¡°I only hurt people if they hurt me¡± and that was spoken completely out of context, but that was my fault for not clarifying. I hope you don¡¯t think all because someone hurts me, that I would feel justified to go out and hurt them. I meant it in the context that I would have to feel it was intentional. For example, when that woman at your son¡¯s games cheated on her husband with your husband. You recognized someone intentionally hurt you, and you told her husband. That¡¯s just human nature to defend yourself and that¡¯s all I meant by it. Your reaction to the pain caused you fit the crime. I would never go out and just hurt anyone who hurt me. It would first have to be unprovoked and instigated by the other party and then have to also be intentionally done with the sole purpose to hurt me, and even then, I¡¯d still probably turn the other cheek when it¡¯s all said and done. I¡¯m not a vengeful person, but I also can¡¯t let people walk all over me and take advantage of my giving nature. I don¡¯t think there¡¯s anything wrong to stand up for yourself. That¡¯s all I meant by that. I hope it makes better sense now.¡±

    I had a woman approach me, ask me for my number, call me, set up a date with me, tell me her husband cheated on her, then loved me with her heart and soul. It broke down my walls enough to love her back just as deeply and to trust someone like never before. It led me believe I had found the love I always believed in and waited for. If she told me the first night we met, that even if I gave her all of me, she would still find reasons to stay in her marriage rather than reasons to be with me¡ªI would¡¯ve been fine with the sacrifices a mother made. It didn¡¯t seem Anya even tried, at times, to understand why I felt the way I did. If she stayed in her marriage after the second man in her life¡ªshe would make a horrible mistake unless she enjoyed being able to date men in her marriage. That this arrangement was predetermined to stay married for the sake of the kids. In that case, if that was agreed to, how could all the pain I felt be perceived as anything else but intentional? Staying only for the sake of the kids was a vicious cycle passed down from one generation to the next¡ªa dilution of happiness. Anya knew better than anyone that having money didn¡¯t lead to happiness. Was having a successful career more important than having a successful life? She couldn¡¯t tell me she and Jackson were happy about this marriage at all. Underneath the surface, he had to be as unhappy as she was. How could the kids possibly benefit from their parent¡¯s false union? Was it better for them to find out their parents cheated on each other than to get a divorce for other viable reasons? How could I support a marriage¡¯s existence that not only hurt the people within it, but those outside of it as well?

    By the grace of a higher power, Monday was Memorial Day and a needed day off for me. I felt out of sorts that morning before I threw the eighteenth Vicodin over the last three days down my throat¡ªthe only chance to disguise the sadness that paralyzed me. In response to the texts I sent her the previous night, Anya sent me a text that morning.

    ANYA: ¡°Hope u have a nice Memorial Day.¡±

    Although it was just a one sentence text that ignored the last two, I sent¡ªI was happy to hear from her, but it broke me down. Especially when I remembered the last Memorial Day she spent surrounded by friends while I wished I could be with her. When I imagined her in between neighbor parties while I remained tied down to my bed, unable to move, I felt emotionally distraught.

    ME: ¡°This won¡¯t be an easy day for me. I¡¯m having a hard time. Lost without you. I hope ur ok.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I feel empty.¡±

    ME: ¡°I keep hearing over and over again in my mind ¡°I¡¯m feeling sick to my stomach¡±. I keep seeing your tears. I know u told me it¡¯s ok but I know it¡¯s not acceptable and I have to be a better man. I¡¯m just so sad. I never want to hurt you. I only want to love you. I just hope you know that.¡±

    Anya never responded to my text, but at this point no response necessary¡ªI was just happy she read it. I realized how I couldn¡¯t afford to lose her this way¡ªor any other way. I wanted to apologize to Katie and Andrew for hurting their mother, but I truly loved her¡ªa lot more than their father did. To know I couldn¡¯t talk to them after I knew so much about them was the hardest thing for me¡ªthat in their eyes I was the villain, because their mother refused to let them know I was her hero. The hardest part about it though, at their age, they wouldn¡¯t have cared what I was as my feelings had outgrown our contained relationship.

    Last Memorial Day, I remembered she was with neighbors, and she asked me to share a fantasy with her, and I did¡ªbut never heard back from her. She claimed she couldn¡¯t get away and in a perfect world she could have responded¡ªbut why did she ask me to share? It was times like those that left me to wonder about her intentions and why she allowed me to fall so in love with her. She apologized the following day for it, and it was water under the bridge but on this Memorial Day, I wondered how she spent it. With a house guest and after she attended a funeral service, she could¡¯ve spent it at home this year and not with neighbors. Regardless, I had never spent a paid day off in such a somber fashion, and it made me feel that much lonelier. I then sent her a text to see if she would respond.

    ME: ¡°Thinking of you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°U haven¡¯t left my mind.¡±

    When she responded to my text within a minute, it shot me with so much life I jumped out of bed and into the shower. I didn¡¯t know if I still had her heart, but I at least knew I was still on her mind¡ªso I could rest mine.

    When the next day arrived, a Tuesday, I couldn¡¯t face the day as again¡ªimmobilized in bed. I left a message with the receptionist to let them know I would not be in. I was allowed to work remotely from home at certain times, and I did that even when I was sick. On this day, I found myself lost in a mental fog unable to focus on nothing but my sorrow. Later that morning, Anya sent me a text as I remained holed up in bed¡ªmy room in complete darkness as the sun shone brightly outside.

    ANYA: ¡°How r u?¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m hanging in there. How r u?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ok. Glad weekend is over. Just taking one day at a time.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m an emotional mess right now.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I know what you mean.¡±

    Anya¡¯s texts seemed to suggest she had as hard a time as I did this weekend¡ªand I believed her. I saw the tears when she left, and there was no faking them. When I thought about how it was much worse for her with people around her, and I was lucky I could escape to a bed, I felt even worse about what I did. The last three days were the most brutal of my life. I never felt more disconnected from the world¡ªa domain I¡¯d have to find a way to embrace again without her. Her texts did motivate me enough to vacate my bed and inhabit my shower. I felt better when I got out and even inspired enough to put on some clothes. I then made my bed as I hoped I could change her mind about things. This last visit couldn¡¯t be our last memory together as I hoped for a chance to love her the way I knew I could love her. The love she not only missed but also needed¡ªevidenced by the tears that fell from her eyes. I didn¡¯t want to pressure her. I only wanted to give her what she needed from me. After I had lunch, only the second meal I had over the weekend, I bravely texted her.

    ME: ¡°Thinking of you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Thinking of you too. How was your weekend?¡±

    ME: ¡°What weekend? It wasn¡¯t much of one to be honest. How was your weekend? Did your daughter come back from NYC yet? Will the house guest be there until Sunday?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°It was hard. I understand. Katie got home late last night. Yes she will be here till Sunday.¡±

    Her texts helped me to get through the rest of the afternoon, and although I felt Anya might give me a chance to mend what I¡¯ve done, I may have given myself false hope. I¡¯d take any kind of hope at this point¡ªif it got me out of bed in the morning. At about seven that evening, I had another chance to see where I stood when she texted me.

    ANYA: ¡°U holding up?¡±

    ME: ¡°Barely. Still mad at myself for hurting you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Landyn, please stop beating urself up. I want us to heal and be able to talk again as mature grownups and friends.¡±

    When I read her texts, I focused on ¡°mature grownups and friends¡±¡ªa double uppercut punch to the heart. I guess she viewed my texts as an act of immaturity and that¡¯s why she never responded. I didn¡¯t know how else to feel¡ªembarrassed for the tears I caused her. She told me she felt empty and I wanted her to know the details behind my emptiness. That seemed to be the difference in our love¡ªI provided details behind the emotions I felt and she provided a word or two to convey her feelings. To her, more than a word conveyed a sign of immaturity and that stung me deeply¡ªif she viewed my emotions as an act of immaturity, she viewed our love the same way. I guess in her mind, a sign of a mature love was one that cheated on you several times instead of letting that person know how you felt. When she used the word ¡°immature¡± to what I deemed to be how Friday left me to feel, I felt she abandoned me long before Friday. When she included the word ¡°friends¡± at the end of it, I knew I stood in a place I didn¡¯t want to be with her. I caused her tears though and I needed to give her the time to heal from this. I couldn¡¯t expect her to want to be with me after my meltdown¡ªI had to accept that. This was a bad thing to happen to my heart, but maybe it needed to happen so I could make certain it didn¡¯t happen again. Her text suggested she wanted to just be friends and nothing more after she healed, so I replied to ask for clarification¡ªso I could drive the stake in my own heart.

    ME: ¡°Is it safe to say that you don¡¯t want to be with me anymore?¡¯

    ANYA: ¡°That¡¯s not what I wanted, but I think it¡¯s for the best.¡±

    As much as it hurt, I couldn¡¯t blame her one bit. Even though I felt her different way of loving me prompted my emotional response, she couldn¡¯t be an emotional wreck around her children¡ªI had no one to blame but myself. Upon reading this, over the next two hours, I took the remaining six Vicodin I had. I then went to bed, hoping to wake up in another dimension.

 CHAPTER 6 ~ IF I CANT HAVE YOU

    ¡°What do I gotta do to make you love me?

    What do I gotta do to make you care?

    What do I do when lightning strikes me?

    And awake to find that you¡¯re not there?

    ¡°Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word" ~ Elton John

    Anya turned into a dragon slayer with her words that pierced my heart. As painful as her words were to read, I deserved them and the fear within them. I had become sensitive to everything now¡ªeven her house guests. She couldn¡¯t win with me right now. Even if she did nothing¡ªI would find fault in it. I had to defeat the enemy within before I could be the man she needed me to be. I wasn¡¯t built to love a woman I had to share with someone¡ªlet alone a man of Jackson¡¯s ilk. I knew I was the better man for Anya without a doubt, and timing seemed to be a huge issue. I just trusted Anya that timing would never be an issue if we agreed to take a chance on each other. This low self-esteem issue carried throughout my life that I thought died when I met Anya, but it now returned from the dead with a vengeance. I always believed when I met my true love, it would no longer exist, but I was only partially correct. When I realized that I morphed from a hopeless romantic to a person who pointed the finger¡ªI knew I needed help.

    Her love brought out the best in me, but whenever I feared I could lose it¡ªit brought out a dragon that needed to be slayed. My outburst wasn¡¯t her fault. She entertained Katie and Andrew¡¯s aunt for a week¡ªnot only Jackson¡¯s sister. I also hated to see her in a dishonest situation and nothing boiled me over more than the show she put on for family, friends, and neighbors about her marriage after she encouraged and allowed me to fall deeply in love with her¡ªafter all we had shared. I saw the house guest as an extension of the fa?ade, and over time, the accumulation of these extensions took their toll on me to a point I felt betrayed. Although I was justified in some ways to be upset, I truly felt this particular incident was my fault¡ªI misinterpreted the nature of the house guest. My accusations were off base as well¡ªAnya didn¡¯t want to lie to her sister in law as much as I didn¡¯t want her to lie to her. Why should my heart be punished though when she allowed and encouraged me to fall so deeply in love with her? It only stung me badly because without a promise, I felt she was just fine to carry on this way forever. I trusted her that if I came into her life, she would have no reason to do this anymore¡ªwhat she led me to believe even when she knew all along about the sacrifices mothers made for their children. A promise would keep the pressure off her from me. I knew her vows were golden unlike the ones made to her by her husband. As much as I blamed myself for this though, and believed she was justified enough to walk¡ªI couldn¡¯t help but feel betrayed because her marriage never changed while she encouraged my feelings to grow. It was also natural to feel even more betrayed when she chose to love me less after she had already shot me. When I woke up the next morning, after my attempt to wake up in another dimension failed, I composed and sent two texts to Anya¡ªto try to win her back. The problem was I was at war with myself¡ªthe side who felt I had betrayed Anya with my words, and the side of me that felt she betrayed me by not making a promise she promised to make if she loved me.

    ME: ¡°Sorry babe. I can¡¯t sleep. Do you honestly think I could ever just fall out of love with you? Was that what you mean by healing? Sweetheart, there¡¯s no turning back for me. Like every star in the sky, I¡¯m going to be here in love with you until the day I die.¡±

    ME: ¡°Nearly two years ago, you came up to me at Sonoma¡¯s. You asked me for my phone number, you called me, you set up a date, you told me he cheated on you 4 times, we fell in love, and you loved me with all of you. When we reconnected, you asked me how come I left you that night. You told me I broke your heart and from that day on I swore I would never break it again. Your husband cheats on you so badly you felt compelled to talk the husband of the woman he cheated with. He put you in that situation, not me yet it feels I¡¯m punished for the things he¡¯s done. You begged me not to leave you. You told me kids were resilient, divorces happened all the time and that nothing was impossible. I never left you then¡ªnor could I ever. You then gave me your heart and soul if not more. I¡¯ve shared the most intimate moments of my life, and about myself, with you, something I had never done with anyone else. I waited 38 years for the best birthday of my life¡ªyou were the one who gave that to me. The best days of my life were all shared with you, and they were only the best because of you. You told me you hoped, you wished, and you dreamed about our love every day. I opened my heart, my soul and my complete self to you because of the ways you chose to love me. I¡¯ve tried really hard to be nothing but thoughtful and understanding and I¡¯m sorry I questioned your feelings when I sensed something felt different, but all I wanted to know, was for you to tell me so. Instead of giving me details of what I thought may be happening, you gave me details of what you wanted to happen when you shared that one of your sales reps just returned from Paris with her boyfriend¡ªyou wanted us. I have no doubt you wanted me to fall in love with you the first night we met. All I¡¯m really trying to say to you is¡ªhere I am. Please don¡¯t abandon me with all these feelings. Please don¡¯t penalize me for only wanting to be with you. I know you have some stressful things coming up and I¡¯m busy as well. Please let¡¯s not make this our last memory together. I never meant to hurt you or anyone. I only want to love you.¡±

    While I waited for her texts, I called in sick yet again. I now missed more workdays due to illness over the last week than I had in my entire tenure with the firm. It wasn¡¯t long before I received a response from Anya, what did surprise me however was that twelve others would immediately follow.

    ANYA: ¡°I know you¡¯d never hurt anyone. Your heart is pure. Yes, I walked up to you and called you and set up a time to meet but it takes two. You were a willing participant.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°You left me and we reconnected yes. I asked you to stay but I didn¡¯t beg you. I didn¡¯t make you do anything you didn¡¯t want to do and hope it wasn¡¯t out of pity.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I told you my situation and trusted you with my heart. I talked to the husband b/c he was a victim too. We were both in it together and we had to come up with a solution.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°You have some anger in you and I hope one day you can free yourself. I fell in love with you and no I can¡¯t just fall out either. I¡¯ve cried many tears over you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°What happened at our last meeting was the last straw for me. It wasn¡¯t just that incident. It¡¯s been building for quite some time and you hurt me over and over and¡­¡±

    ANYA: ¡°You take my words and literally use them against me. I trust you when I tell you things or show you things. You¡¯ve promised many times but I forgave over and over and¡­¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I never came into your life with the intent to hurt you. We both agreed we¡¯ll give it a try and see what happens. I trusted your words.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Don¡¯t make me look like the bad guy here. I gave it my all. I gave you all my heart, soul and utmost respect. I don¡¯t ignore you. I try to talk it over with you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I hate to text it but you¡¯ve pushed me to this point. No, I¡¯m not blaming you b/c it¡¯s a unique situation and we¡¯re both in it together. We both hurt.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Part of me is telling me that the best way to handle this from now on is to stop communicating all together. It¡¯s too painful to keep talking.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°What I meant by healing is to stop seeing each other. I¡¯ve made up my mind and this is my wish for now. I will forever be in love with you too.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I want to keep in touch for you are and have been my best friend for a long time. It hurts to not have you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Please don¡¯t push me away as friends too. I really did give it my all. I can¡¯t go through hurting you one more time. When you hurt, I hurt.¡±

    The back end of her thirteen texts softened the blow of the first eleven she sent, but all thirteen of them were equally hard to read. I didn¡¯t see things the way she did, but I really needed time to sort out my feelings before I responded to them.

    ME: ¡°Thank you for the texts. I just need a little time to absorb them.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Don¡¯t take every word and read into it.¡±

    Her response brought a smile to my face¡ªshe knew me too well.

    ME: ¡°I don¡¯t know what I could possibly read into. You¡¯ve left nothing to the imagination.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Have you told your mom? I¡¯d hate to worry her. Breaks my heart.¡±

    Anya¡¯s text was very thoughtful, but if she didn¡¯t want me to date her out of pity, I didn¡¯t want the same from her as well.

    ME: ¡°I haven¡¯t talked to my mom about this. It¡¯s funny how my mom has told me the same thing before that sometimes I read into things too much.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I think that¡¯s what got us into trouble. Got to the point where I was afraid to say anything b/c you¡¯d take it the wrong way.¡±

    That was the nature of the texting world¡ªit left a lot open to misinterpretation. Anya¡¯s use of the word ¡°us¡± was a kind gesture as she didn¡¯t want to finger point, but the truth was, I began to lose trust in her. Why not use the word ¡° the kids Aunt¡± or ¡°Sister-in-Law¡± instead of ¡°House Guest¡± when she knew I read into things? She couldn¡¯t love a man with her heart and soul, things she claimed, and be with another man without a reaction from me. She even admitted it herself¡ªshe would be in love with me forever too. That¡¯s why I would always be hurt by the things she did whether we were together or not. As much as I didn¡¯t blame Anya for feeling the way she did, I also didn¡¯t think she played fair at all. If she couldn¡¯t blame me, then how could she get mad at me for anything?

    As the day turned into night, I felt like a newborn thrown in a dumpster. I thought she would text me during the day, but she never did. Although she feared to text me sometimes, I felt that same fear on some level too, and nothing scared me more than her silence¡ªa stillness that never existed even in her ¡°situation¡±. How could Anya trust me to respect her situation when she encouraged and allowed me to be such a huge part of it? As I sunk within a bed that rendered me immobile, the truth sunk within me¡ªthat without Anya, I would lose my career job. I couldn¡¯t focus, and I couldn¡¯t concentrate properly. I was no longer affable and approachable as I hid in my office all day, and at the offices of my clients. I was now behind on all of the jobs I oversaw and failed to meet budget constraints on most of them. To distract myself, I would come home to get on Facebook¡ªjust to see how happy everyone else was while I felt more removed from life than ever before. Social media seemed to be a great vehicle to use for the Caiaphas¡¯s¡ªan easy place to hide behind a picture. While all my friends posted pics of themselves with the woman they loved, I settled for true love and found a woman who loved me so much she couldn¡¯t even make a promise to be with me. A secret life I chose to gift her because I trusted her reasons for our love. The reasons why she would visit me at four in the morning so we could wake up in each other¡¯s arms. The reason she performed an intimate act in San Diego. She never told me she would need the permission of her children before we could be together. She wanted me here and she has that. She couldn¡¯t allow me to go all in and pull the rug out from under me. Love always caught the ones who fell¡ªit didn¡¯t just let them fall. If she decided to cut off all contact or to just be a ¡°friend¡±. Now, not only did I cling to Anya, I also clung to my career, my hopes, my wishes, my dreams, and my life as I laid it all on the line via electronic transmission.

    ME: ¡°Can¡¯t sleep again. Ok, I have read into each and every text so here it goes.¡±

    ME: ¡°Let me correct you. I was ¡°more¡± than a willing participant. I¡¯ll never hide that fact, but I asked you what you needed from me to be with me. You told me that I would need to sweep you off your feet. Something you told me I did the night you asked me if I would fight for you. Yes, you¡¯re right I was a willing participant, but only based on those conditions we agreed on. I have eighteen months¡¯ worth of texts from you that prove I met your lone condition to leave him. I was never a willing participant if you had told me that mothers made sacrifices for kids the night we decided to give our love a try. You knew that from day one and you never mentioned it, so all I¡¯m saying now is here I am.¡±

    ME: ¡°My texts weren¡¯t meant to point the finger at you. I just wanted to show you that you¡¯ve initiated our relationship regardless of your situation. Regardless of everything including the sacrifice ¡°mothers make for their children¡±. In doing so, I felt you were telling me ¡°here is my situation but it doesn¡¯t matter to me¡±. I trusted what you told me the night we decided to give our love a try, not what you told me months later after I had already fallen in love with you.¡±

    ME: ¡°The actual words you texted were ¡°Please don¡¯t leave me¡± not ¡°I beg of you¡±, but you¡¯re kind of playing semantics, and I don¡¯t see much of a difference there, but if you feel that way, I¡¯m not going to argue with you. It doesn¡¯t matter. For the record it wasn¡¯t done out of pity, but out of a great deal of love and trust.¡±

    ME: ¡°Anya, you talked to the husband because you were angry. Even to this day, twelve years later, you¡¯re still angry about it. That¡¯s nothing to be ashamed of, and I don¡¯t judge you for it. I¡¯d be angry too, and I would have done the same thing. I just don¡¯t think it¡¯s fair to judge me for the way I feel when I¡¯m certain you¡¯d feel the same way I do if the roles were reversed.¡±

    ME: ¡°Anger resides in everyone. That¡¯s an emotion people are entitled to have as long as they now how to manage it, and use it in a constructive manner instead of a destructive one. Anger resides in you too, Anya. I wouldn¡¯t be in your life otherwise, and you would¡¯ve never approached me at Sonoma¡¯s if there was none there. If you think about it, you¡¯re so blinded by it, you¡¯re punishing the one who has never dishonored you or used you in any way¡ªthe man who truly loves you.¡±

    ME: ¡°You have told me many loving things. You have done many loving things for me. You have shared every detail of your life with me, even the lives of your children. So much so, I want to know them one day. You have loved me in a way that will affect me not just today, but forever.¡±

    ME: ¡°Anya, let¡¯s be fair here. I trusted you with my heart just as much as you trusted me with yours. You told me I broke your heart when we reconnected. I trusted your pain. You told me you don¡¯t kiss him yet you still have sex with him? I put the ultimate trust in you that you would leave, and not leave me hurting¡ªunable to get a promise from you. You¡¯ve hurt me a number of times too. You even make promises to people as if I don¡¯t exist in your life. As if we never shared a thing. As if my heart and even my life means nothing to you. You say I¡¯ve hurt you many times, and it¡¯s chipped you away from me yet every single day you break my heart with the things you do yet here I am fighting for you without taking any part of myself away from you. I try to understand you yet your love doesn¡¯t offer me the same. I¡¯m not going to get into details how you break my heart every day b/c I don¡¯t have to tell you, but all because I don¡¯t know about it, doesn¡¯t mean you¡¯re not doing anything to hurt me.¡±

    ME: ¡°I have to say there were times I felt betrayed and yes I got upset about some things you do that are inconsistent with your love for me. It hurts a lot especially when I¡¯ve been nothing but faithful to you. During your trip to Cabo, you sent me pictures, told me romantic things, but the minute the weekend arrived, I hardly heard from you. What happened to your love? I think you need to really consider the things you do sometimes that would lead me to question it. Like I said before, love is a need, and sometimes you make me feel like the last thing you need.¡±

    ME: ¡°I need to make this perfectly clear. I don¡¯t get upset just for the sake of getting upset. You have hurt me over and over too. Hurt is hurt whether it¡¯s intentional or not because you always have a choice not to hurt someone. I would never hurt anyone preemptively, especially someone I love. It¡¯s just a reaction to pain they caused me. If anything I tell you in self-defense is going to hurt you, then what doesn¡¯t hurt you? I can¡¯t even explain to you how I feel without you being hurt by it?¡±

    ME: ¡°I trusted you to be consistent with your feelings for me. My words are solid, but I wasn¡¯t expecting if you fell in love with me that you would find ways to stay in your marriage and not be with me. I really thought you would do the right thing and choose to live an honest life and be with me. I know I said I would be a ¡°big boy¡± but nothing could have prepared me for the inconsistency in your love for me. If you¡¯re not proud of me, or willing to fight or vouch for me, then how could you say you truly love me? I¡¯m not saying you don¡¯t love me; this is probably how love feels to you, but I have to feel your love too for it to be love, Anya. It may be a strong physical attraction that feels like love to you but love comes with respect too. If you truly gave me your upmost respect, it wouldn¡¯t be just to talk things out with me but you would¡¯ve at least asked for a separation from your husband by now, don¡¯t you think? When I told you I¡¯d be a ¡°big boy¡±, I meant if you didn¡¯t fall in love with me and I¡¯d move on. I never expected this.¡±

    ME: ¡°As I text these things to you, please know I think we are both guilty of hurting each other. It¡¯s not one sided. Love is the strongest emotion any human being on this planet experiences and it is not easy to contain. It¡¯s easy for you because your love isn¡¯t as strong as mine. You have something to fall back on if this doesn¡¯t work out so it¡¯s easy for you to say good-bye. It took me six years to get over a six-month relationship and I was very careful with you because I didn¡¯t want to go through that ever again. The truth is, I go through it again every day with you now and I can only imagine how many years it¡¯s going to take me to get over you. The things we say and do resonate inside of us and really hurt. I really care about what you think about and of me, and I always take it in and reevaluate. I respect and care about your thoughts about me and that¡¯s why I¡¯ve responded to your texts. I really hope you can honestly do the same because I¡¯m unsure if you can.

    ME: ¡°Idk. Maybe I just had to be there for you before you would let me be with you?¡±

    ME: ¡°I don¡¯t believe in love anymore. I¡¯m forever done with love. It doesn¡¯t exist in a world where financial resources rule it when the man who has never dishonored you a day in his life, is the one who is punished as if I had. I guess it was nice to believe in, immature, but nice. I¡¯m sure it exists for other, more mature, people though.¡±

    Though unintentionally, but maybe poetically, I sent fourteen texts to meet Anya¡¯s thirteen. I didn¡¯t want to sound mean, but some of the things she texted me were really inconsiderate and narcissistic. I held back some things I wanted to tell her. For instance, if Jackson wasn¡¯t a good provider, she would have left him a long time ago. The first night we met, I asked her if she was there for the money. She told me ¡°no¡±. but if he didn¡¯t make her kids feel secure where they were at, she wouldn¡¯t have stayed. I¡¯m not saying she loved Jackson¡ªshe used him as much as he used her now. I was just saying her love for me may have felt like love to her, but it only did because she had no clue what love was. She didn¡¯t marry for it. She married for money. She married for popularity. She married for what her culture wanted for her. She married for lust and boats and whatever Jackson gave her. She was not honest with me from day one yet had the audacity to tell me I was the dishonest party. She told me I was ¡°angry¡± yet it was her anger that allowed and encouraged me to approach me at Sonoma¡¯s. When she failed to look inside, like a politician would, love and respect were the last two things her texts showed me.

    Her texts spoke of things she wanted to believe, in the hope, I¡¯d believe them too. I remember the night we first met however, and the night we agreed to see each other seriously. Why would it be unreasonable for me to expect her ¡°situation¡± didn¡¯t mean much to her if she pursued this relationship with me? After she pursued one with another man before me? If our love could never change her situation, why did she allow me into her life? If Anya was in her twenties, I may have cut her some slack, but she was older than I was, and she knew better. I started to sense; she knew exactly what she was doing. She knew her situation better than I did, and I trusted she would not use my blindness against me. I found it unbelievably self-centered for her to simply point to her situation and the little knowledge she gave me of it at the beginning and hold me responsible for my reactions. She lied to everyone around her. She lied to her husband, which I understood. But she lied to her friends. Her neighbors. Her co-workers. Her parents. Her family. And worse of all, she lied to her kids¡ªeven after they knew something wasn¡¯t right. That to me was her greatest shame¡ªshe was prouder of the lies she made to all of those around her than her love for me. She seemed to lie so much, she believed herself, yet for some odd reason, I trusted she would never lie to me. If I asked, I felt confident Anya would tell me the truth, but if I didn¡¯t ask because I didn¡¯t sense I was being hurt, I had no faith now she would ever be honest about it¡ªshe was just like Jackson, a narcissist.

    Anya seemed to forget she was the married person in our relationship¡ªnot me. She knew her situation much better than I did, and I trusted her to disclose all I needed to know so my caring heart had a chance to avoid what it went through now. She wanted to paint my love for her as something I recklessly jumped into¡ªanother lie she told herself evidenced after I walked away from her solely because of her marriage. If she truly respected her situation, she needed to respect my heart just as much. To allow me to fall in love with her without any fear and then pull the rug out from under me, was only respecting her situation and her lies to protect it. If what Katie wrote in her letter was true, about her mother always protecting the family name, that the Caiaphas name meant that much to her after Jackson¡¯s infidelities, then I trusted her to never pursue a relationship with me. To never lead me to a place that would only lead to pain and suffering when my only crime was caring so much about hers.

    As my phone vibrated and its screen indicated I had a message waiting for me, I held my breath that she took my texts well. I hope they didn¡¯t hurt her, but I felt her texts painted a very biased and unfair picture of me that greatly discounted and minimized my feelings and emotions. I took the blame for my reaction to her ¡°house guest¡±. I was wrong but at the same time she had to understand why I felt the way I did. If she couldn¡¯t do that, after I accepted my role, how could she say she loved me at all?

    ANYA: ¡°Ok, I am so upset with your texts right now that I can¡¯t even argue with them. I must look like the most terrible person to you. You will always blame me and that¡¯s fine. Do what you must. It¡¯s out of my control. Sorry we can¡¯t be friends.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry they upset you. I was hoping you would see my side of things, but I guess that¡¯s out of my control too. I¡¯m in love with you Anya, and if you just want to be friends, then that doesn¡¯t feel like you love me the same way. I can¡¯t be a fake person. Sorry.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I don¡¯t want my love for you to be questioned one more time! That¡¯s the biggest pain ever! I¡¯m upset and am escalating and think it¡¯s a good idea to stop talking for now.¡±

    ME: ¡°Ok.¡±

    I didn¡¯t want to argue with her and I wanted to respect the way she felt about my texts. I wanted her to understand although I got involved to save her from a life of unhappiness, our love was more than about just her. In all fairness, my low self-sense of worth was a challenge for her, and at times she was punished for that, but I trusted her love to eliminate feelings¡ªnot make them worse than ever before. Regardless of how perfect Anya thought I was, I spent an entire lifetime with people who didn¡¯t think the way she did. Her sense of worth was never truly challenged¡ªJackson always came back when he cheated. In my life, not a single girl I cared about ever fought for me to be in their lives. Now, the one who not only claimed to love me, but also claimed to be my soulmate, just wanted to be my friend¡ªan attempt to control and manipulate my feelings for her as if I didn¡¯t have a right to feel so strongly about them. The things she did was similar to what an unscrupulous salesperson would do¡ªa bait and switch. Anya believed all normal rational men were just like her husband. She knew I loved more deeply than he, but if I deviated from Jackson-like behavior, my love was immature, irrational and deemed crazy. Now, she wanted to manipulate and control my feelings for her¡ªas if I had control over them. All she did was give me a death sentence. She treated me as if divorces never happened in life and that I was wrong to pursue a relationship with her and expect her to leave after she told me mothers made sacrifices for her kids. If Anya left me, not only would she now take my life, but if I survived, I¡¯d be so traumatized by her decision, I¡¯d feel just like a victim of rape. Anya worried I found her to be a ¡°terrible person¡±. I wouldn¡¯t have fallen in love with a terrible person, but the person I talked with now. The person who couldn¡¯t make me a promise to do the right thing. The person who suddenly told me after two years that she didn¡¯t want to lose fifty percent of her kids. The woman who told me she would have to wait to see if she wanted to be with me if she left Jackson. The person who needed the permission of her kids to be with me after she told me she was afraid no one would be with her because she had kids. The woman who asked me to fight for her then told me to man up after I did nothing but fight every single day. The woman who didn¡¯t even want to talk to me while she partied in Cabo with her friends. That Anya, the one I didn¡¯t know until now, the one still married to Jackson Caiaphas was not only possibly a terrible person, but a horrific one after she allowed and encouraged me to be in her life and feel as much as I did. This Anya didn¡¯t understand, nor did she care, how high the stakes were for me.

    As I sat at my desk, my face buried into my hands wondering how I would possibly get through this day¡ªor this life without her, I agonized that it might be a while before she contacted me again. I then reached into my laptop carry and grabbed two Vicodin to steady my uneasy mind. I then saw my favorite pen there too, the one she gave me for my thirty-seventh birthday and put it against my cheek as it felt nice and cool. As I held it in my palm, I remembered all the times we spent together and how invincible I felt. I initially came into Anya¡¯s life to save it, but now I needed her to save mine, but she made up her mind to walk. I know I carried anger in my heart at times, but this was why. Time and time again, the more I loved, the more I suffered. And it was men like Jackson, who loved themselves, and didn¡¯t give a shit how people who loved him felt that were rewarded. They could cheat all they wanted and women like Anya wouldn¡¯t leave because his wealth and the friends he purchased with it were more valuable than even love. Then women like Anya, sell themselves a lie, that the love she received from men like Jackson, was how all men were, at least the one who were good providers, and so love was unrealistic. Like a spider who weaves a thick web in the darkness to snag her prey, she loved me with a mission¡ªto weaken me so she could manipulate and control me. I couldn¡¯t deny it worked¡ªI was helpless yet unwilling to give up on my dream of true love after I tasted it. More than anything, I felt too much love for her to not question my thoughts. How could I think so badly about a woman who kissed the bone on my leg? How could I question her love all because she felt the need to walk after I lost it over a visit from her kid¡¯s auntie? If she accused me of the things, I accused her of, would you want to stay? I was angry¡ªI was tired of going through this with women especially from the one who loved me more than all of them combined. Now, all because I wanted to be with the one I loved, the one who told me she would leave if she fell in love with me, I had never felt more alone. With these thoughts, I took the pen and flung it against the wall. The pen just bounced and rolled right back on my desk¡ªstrong and unbroken. When I walked out of my office to take my mind of the pure torture I felt, a couple of coworkers asked me if there was something wrong. After I told them I was ¡°fine¡± and thanked them for their concern, I made a beeline for the door and slipped away in a hallway across from other businesses in the building. I then sat down alone as my shoulders, head and eyes sunk to the floor into all that seemed to go wrong.

    Three hours passed when Anya sent me, what had to be the most surprising one, I ever received from her.

    ANYA: ¡°I know I said I didn¡¯t want to talk to you right now. I haven¡¯t stopped loving you and caring about you. I¡¯ve been crying all day. Don¡¯t text me back just hope ur ok.¡±

    When she told me not to text her back, I respected her wishes. I just couldn¡¯t believe she could allow me into her life because she couldn¡¯t help it yet ignore what she just texted me. To ignore her pain and suffering so her two kids could have horses and boats instead of knowing the truth where true happiness lied. One of the reasons I loved Anya was because she put her kids first. Anyone who criticized her love for me couldn¡¯t walk a day in her shoes. She didn¡¯t live the same simple lives most married couples did. If she were to jump ship, she took lives with her. Her kids and the people her husband employed. It wasn¡¯t simple and it could be argued to leave wouldn¡¯t be prudent. The problem was those people didn¡¯t know her pain like I knew it. That I read in texts and even felt in person. She made a twenty-five-minute drive just to spend twenty minutes with the man who made her happy. How come she felt guilty about a true feeling? I took my role in her life seriously. She could¡¯ve had a famous pop artist whisk her away to freedom, but she chose a normal man instead because I was her soulmate. Nothing could have ever been reciprocated in this life between two people the same way. Without a doubt, I knew what no one else but the universe did¡ªAnya was made for me, and not for Jackson. My pain came because I wanted it to be real. Like Tony Montana did¡ªI wanted the world too. I didn¡¯t think it was much to ask for since my world also wanted me. This woman, my heartbeat, the personification of the love I believed in resided inside her. If I lost her, I not only failed her, but I failed myself¡ªI was the loser my father always thought I was. Everything in my life¡ªpast, present and future were at stake. Her love made sense of the all the heartbreaks I ever faced in my life. Her sweet love had the power to destroy my past and reconstruct a new life in the present. With the promotion soon to come my way, she gave me a future too. We gave this to each other though. It¡¯s what soulmates did¡ªthey erased the past, made the present, and carved a future. There was now a fine line between love and disgust between Anya and I. I didn¡¯t want to cross the line of disgust but when she came through like she did in her message, I could go right back to the love. I wanted to be the Landyn she wanted me to be¡ªpatient, kind and understanding; the one she fell in love with. I understood her position and I didn¡¯t want her kids to hate her, but I didn¡¯t want her to put the burden of her happiness on them and be a fake person around them. I wanted her to stop running around like an immature adult behind another immature adult¡¯s back, and show him she didn¡¯t need him for anything anymore. The worst part is that he knew about us yet it still didn¡¯t stop her from seeing me. I hated to see her live in that much denial, to even lie to herself. Anya would never understand the depth of my love for her. That it transcended beyond the physical and me wanting so badly to be with her. If the greatest love we¡¯ve ever known only left us apart, I would have never been involved. I only got involved because I wanted to be with her forever; not only if she left him. If I ever thought or she led me to even slightly believe she would stay after all she initiated between us, there¡¯s no way I would have risked my heart, let alone the fragile lives of her kids. I loved her too much to have wanted her to be in a position she is now. She convinced me enough to trust her that if she fell in love with me, she would be with me. That I wouldn¡¯t have to argue with her about her true feelings¡ªthe ones I received in her text. I knew she couldn¡¯t stop loving and caring about me¡ªit¡¯s all I¡¯ve felt for eighteen months. I think we did reach a crossroad though and as angry as some of the things she said and did recently made me, this text put me back in the right state of mind. A state of mind that said I couldn¡¯t stop loving or caring about her either. The state of mind that didn¡¯t want to see her crying in front of her kids. If I could take those tears and make them mine¡ªI would. I know she believed I loved her but she had no idea how much I did¡ªthat I even put my life on the line because I trusted her pain. Why she was unable to ¡°help it¡± the night we met, the night we reconnected and through the text message she just sent me.

    Three hours later, after my workday mercifully ended, I texted her.

    ME: ¡°I could never be ok without you in my life or if you¡¯re sad. I hope ur ok too.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Not ok¡±

    I read her text and could tell she was in tears¡ªwhy she didn¡¯t add a ¡°period¡±. I wanted to respect her feelings and not overwhelm her with my own emotions. I hit her with some heavy words this morning and she needed time to absorb them and give her the time she needed to do so¡ªthe same thing she did for me. I didn¡¯t want to hurt her, but I wouldn¡¯t be able to sleep if I didn¡¯t make this right for her in some way. My thoughts then shifted to Katie and Andrew, and what I just put their mother through. Anya, Katie and Andrew were the only three people I wanted to share life with in the future, but that wouldn¡¯t happen if I couldn¡¯t sort my emotions out. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt Anya, but I never expected to be hurt by some of the things she did. The ¡°house guest¡± issue was on me¡ªI made an issue out of nothing and I had to look inside and take responsibility for how I reacted. Although I believed her texts were a bit inaccurate, I had to take responsibility for the way I responded to them. She didn¡¯t have the time to provide a thoughtful analysis like I did because she had her kids in tow. I had to understand her situation at home with the kids better and keep my emotions in check so she would be able to¡ªher pain and unhappiness always trumped my own. The only way I could make this right for her was if I took my own life.

    ME: ¡°Anya, I¡¯m sorry for my texts. I was not questioning your love for me and I don¡¯t doubt you do. Sometimes your love doesn¡¯t feel as strong as mine and I don¡¯t know how to handle it. I¡¯m sorry my texts made you cry. That always breaks my heart.¡±

    ME: ¡°I know what I texted upset you, but I also know it¡¯s due to the situation. I know how beautiful of a person you are. Your love means everything to me. You¡¯ve accepted me even with my imperfections. I¡¯ve been waiting a lifetime for you and losing you in any way is devastating to me.¡±

    ME: ¡°I think it¡¯s best for now that we don¡¯t talk until at least after Katie¡¯s graduation festivities. We¡¯re both hurting too much right now and the last thing I want to do is upset or hurt you. You¡¯re my true love and soul mate and I don¡¯t want to hurt you. This is a big moment for you and your daughter and I don¡¯t want to take any of that joy away from you. She needs 100% of her mom and so I need to cut off contact with you right now. When the grad celebration is all done, let¡¯s talk again and see where we stand.¡±

    ME: ¡°You¡¯re not a terrible person. I wouldn¡¯t have fallen in love with you and still be in love with you if you were. Take care of yourself. I love you.¡±

    After I committed suicide by sending these four texts to her, she made me wait for less than a minute for her response.

    ANYA: ¡°Thank u. I appreciate that. Yes, I have to be there for her. I won¡¯t get into what upset me so much. Just know that I love you very much and I know you¡¯re my soulmate. Btw, you can buy Adam Lambert¡¯s songs on iTunes now. I just bought ¡°If I can¡¯t have you¡±. You take care too. I love you forever.¡±

    ME: ¡°I love you forever.¡±

    Adam Lambert was Anya¡¯s favorite singer on ¡°American Idol¡± but I didn¡¯t know he did a cover of ¡°If I can¡¯t have you¡± by Yvonne Ellman. I then went online to read the lyrics to the song.

    ¡°Don¡¯t know why

    I¡¯m survivin¡¯ ev¡¯ry lonely day

    When there¡¯s got to be no chance for me

    My life would end.

    And it doesn¡¯t matter how I cry

    My tears, so far, are a waste of time

    If I turn away

    Am I strong enough to see it through

    Go crazy is what I will do

    If I can¡¯t have you

    I don¡¯t want nobody baby¡±

    Feeling every bit like a captain that went down with his ship, I had to stop at this point because my heart couldn¡¯t take it. She knew I would read into every word and I felt the same way she did. If I couldn¡¯t have her, then I didn¡¯t want anyone else either. After all I shared with her, there could be no one else to take her place in my heart. This was the part of Anya I knew that no one else did¡ªwhy I fought for her. Her emotions she made me aware of through a cover song, spoke loudly of my disdain for Jackson Caiaphas. Why I felt she should leave him¡ªso her life could begin and never end. I fought not only for my soul, but for Anya¡¯s soul as well. I didn¡¯t believe Anya¡¯s life would end. She had her kids, Jackson¡¯s money and all the friends it bought to fall back on¡ªmy life was the only one that would truly end. I didn¡¯t need a song from someone with only a good voice, who didn¡¯t feel anything close to what t I did, to tell me what I already knew.

    After I set the stage and committed a form of suicide by cutting off communication with Anya until Katie graduated, I didn¡¯t know how I¡¯d handle it. For nearly eighteen months we¡¯ve been in touch everyday, but now a tumbleweed moved across this desolate heart of mine. When she texted that I had a lot of anger in me, it made me believe she thought I was a loose cannon¡ªincapable of controlling my emotions. She was right, I did, but it bothered me for two reasons. The first being how she encouraged me to fight and love her then failed to catch or vouch for me. How she told me there was a goodness to our love yet couldn¡¯t be proud or vouch for me. She also seemed to fail to recognize her own anger that led me in her life. Her own disdain for her husband¡¯s infidelities and the inequities their marriage created that she shared with only me¡ªthat encouraged and allowed me to be here. I never meant to throw anything in her face she shared, I only did as a reminder when she seemed to forget what brought us together¡ªher memory was all I had. If she got Alzheimer¡¯s, my reason for being in her life would end. How could she stay with this man after all the things we¡¯ve shared? After all she told me about him that led me here? To keep this fa?ade alive, she deserved an Oscar. How could she believe for a minute I wanted to fall in love with her if she could never be with me? What gave her the impression I would be okay if she ever left me if she loved me? Because I didn¡¯t use her for sex? Because I truly loved her? Because I was ¡°the nicest man¡± she ever knew? I felt betrayed by that alone. She needed to understand where I was coming from too. I didn¡¯t want to hurt her, but I trusted she would catch me if I fell¡ªthe one she claimed to love.

    After four days passed without a word from her, she seemed to be more than okay with the arrangement. This was the longest period of time, I hadn¡¯t heard from her, since her trip to Spain¡ªwhen she was on the islands of Tenerife with Jackson¡ªpseudo Romeo. Although some of it was deserved, I hated this agony I felt. The silence was hard on me to understand even though I initiated it. When I made the suggestion however, I forgot June second fell within the same time period of my proposed silence¡ªthe day we met two years ago. If I didn¡¯t break the silence and recognize the day, I feared she would feel the day meant nothing to me¡ªwhen it meant everything. I didn¡¯t want her to falsely perceive me as the guy who didn¡¯t want to have a girlfriend on Valentine¡¯s Day and other holidays. Mentally, the four days felt like a self-mutilation so I broke the silence to make sure she knew what this day meant to me¡ªto see if it still meant anything to her.

    ME: ¡°Hello there, stranger. I know I told you I wasn¡¯t going to contact you until Katie¡¯s grad celebration but I miss my best friend.¡±

    ME: ¡°I can¡¯t remember a time in my life where my days seemed so long. They just never seem to end and I can¡¯t wait for them to. To add to it, it rained this morning.¡±

    ME: ¡°I know you¡¯re unhappy with me right now which I understand. I hope you can see through all the pain I¡¯ve caused you and that my love has only grown for you since we first met, even though you might have trouble believing that but it¡¯s the truth.¡±

    ME: ¡°I love you much more than I did in our earlier stages. My feelings for you only got stronger. They just outgrew our contained relationship.¡±

    ME: ¡°I tried to fight it but, in the end, you loved me too well and it just got the best of me. As sad as this is for both of us it¡¯s for the best. I just love you way too much now.¡±

    ME: ¡°I hope you¡¯re doing ok. I think about you every second. I wish I could have made this a happier day for us than it is but I just wanted you to know this will always be a significant day for me. The day I met my soulmate.¡±

    ME: ¡°There¡¯s just no other love like your love for me nor will there ever be. You¡¯re simply the love of my lifetime and it¡¯s why I have had a hard time. I love you forever.¡±

    After I sent these texts, I could only wonder what her response would be. Ten minutes later, I had my answer.

    ANYA: ¡°Good morning. Thank u for the texts. It is very sad but for the best. I feel hollow.¡±

    The same girl who told me she bought the song ¡°If I Can¡¯t Have You¡±, now answered seven texts from my heart in four short sentences and in one text. It seemed like the day meant nothing to her now all because I wanted her to be with the man she loved. I read my texts again and saw that maybe I confessed too much of how I felt. They did come off as there is no chance for us now because I love you too much to remain in the same kind of relationship. I then gave her response the benefit of the doubt and wished I had only sent her a reminder that today was the second of June. Instead, I sent her confirmation of the struggle that still existed within. I didn¡¯t like the fact she felt hollow, but she definitely spoke for the both of us.

    ME: ¡°I stayed up until 2 last night to watch a movie just to feel close to you and to try to feel better, but all it did was make me feel the same emptiness.¡±

    After I heard back from her, I felt a little better. I carried these good feelings when I got into the office, but just before I fired up my laptop to begin the day, I received an unexpected visitor. Drake Rendon, an equity partner at the firm¡ªthe ¡°R¡± in KSR.

    ¡°Landyn. Good morning.¡±

    ¡°Drake! Good morning!¡± I said. ¡°How are you?¡±

    ¡°Good!¡± He exclaimed. ¡°Do you mind if I close the door?¡±

    ¡°Not at all. Please.¡±

    Drake had a shooting guard¡¯s height at six foot five inches. He had dark thick curly hair and eyes, and possessed a lean vegan type frame. He was the partner who interviewed me and recommended the firm to hire me, and without him, I wouldn¡¯t have even been hired. Drake and I both connected on music and shared the same taste. He reminded me of my old manager at Frugals, Mark Warner, the kind of guy you wanted to work hard for. Drake was a manager at the time the firm hired me, but became partner a few years later. He was the one person I really looked forward to partnering with at the firm. I was also certain he was instrumental in locking me in as an equity partner. Drake rarely came to my office though, and hardly ran into each other because he was out selling the firm all day. So, when I saw him on this day, I feared something might be wrong as it seemed out of character.

    ¡°Just so you know, we¡¯ve decided to let go of some the audit seniors and staff.¡± He told me as he sat down.

    ¡°I¡¯m sorry to hear that. How many were let go?¡±

    ¡°Five audit seniors and five audit staff. Ten in total.¡± He informed me.

    ¡°That¡¯s a shame. Can I ask why?¡±

    ¡°The recession is affecting our mortgage banking audit business.¡± He said. ¡°We¡¯ve lost sixty percent of our mortgage banking clientele due to bankruptcies¡ªwe need to restructure a little bit.¡±

    ¡°Okay.¡± I said.

    ¡°Clyde sent me an email this morning¡ªhe wants you to CC your Going Concern evaluation memo to the entire audit team.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯d be happy to do so.¡± I said. ¡°In fact, I¡¯ll do it right now.¡±

    ¡°Also, one other thing.¡± He said. ¡°If you please could.¡±

    ¡°Okay?¡±

    ¡°We¡¯re short on seniors so we need to send you to Hesperia again to wrap up the audit testwork.¡± He said. ¡°We¡¯ll set you up with a hotel so you won¡¯t have to drive back home each night¡ªyou¡¯ll be out there for the next two weeks though.¡±

    ¡°Sure, how soon do you need me out there?¡± I asked.

    ¡°They¡¯re expecting you this afternoon.¡± He said. ¡°Susan will get your room booked and email your itinerary before you head out there.

    ¡°Looks like I have to head out there in a few minutes then.¡±

    Drake nodded and offered me a smile as he knew this wasn¡¯t usual standard operating procedure.

    ¡°I guess we gotta get the job done.¡± I blurted, hoping it made Drake feel better.

    ¡°Thanks, Land. We really appreciate it.¡±

    ¡°No problem.¡±

    I dreaded the drive to Hesperia along its indiscriminate, windy dreary desert landscape¡ªwhy I referred to it as Despairia. I didn¡¯t mind being out there for a day or two, but for ten days made it a tough assignment¡ªeven though I¡¯d be back home on the weekends. We had two clients out in this neck of the woods, and now it seemed I picked up both of them. This was a different client, not the one that entertained me on the job, and that made it a challenge. After I stopped off at home so I could quickly pack, I tried to look at the bright side of things¡ªit saved me from the fear of my sadness being exposed at the office, but it also made me feel that much lonelier.

    When I arrived at one that afternoon, I met with the Company¡¯s Controller, who then had the Company¡¯s IT guy set me up in a small conference room where I could get started. It was a good thing I interacted with these people¡ªit forced me to be more focused and took my mind off the emptiness I felt inside. I still needed to take a couple Vicodin however to have the strength to put a smile on my face and to carry on, at times, a stressful business conversation. At around four thirty, I was shocked to see my phone¡¯s red light frantically blinking.

    ANYA: ¡°I miss you very much.¡±

    After I read her text, I didn¡¯t know whether to respond or not, but it meant everything for me to know she felt the way I did¡ªthat this silence was just as hard on me as it was on her. When my day ended at five and after I checked into my hotel, I texted Anya back.

    ME: ¡°I got assigned to another job in Hesperia this morning for the next two weeks. I¡¯m staying at a Best Western out here. Just wanted you to know. I miss you very much too.¡±

    I don¡¯t know what else she expected from a deeply emotional and physical relationship. What she expected for me after she asked me to fight for her. Did she expect the man who loved her more than life itself to just go quietly into that good night? Did she expect the man who put her happiness above his own to never be affected when she made zero changes to her lifestyle after she changed his life forever? Did she really believe I agreed to this in the beginning? I didn¡¯t want her to think she was a terrible person¡ªshe was big hearted person. She was the most loving person I knew, but as long as her last name was Caiaphas, she could never be the woman I thought she was¡ªwhat I needed to change in order for me to trust in her love again. She needed to change her last name¡ªan action consistent with her hopes, wishes and dreams. If she only had the bravery to take my heart, without the bravery to end her marriage, how could I ever trust her love? As long as she stayed with Jackson, she was no better than him, and even worse, just like him. That was where the true betrayal lied¡ªthe last thing I ever thought she would allow me to believe after she allowed me to feel so much for her.

    The next day was long, lonely and drawn out. When you were by yourself on audits, they could be horrifically dull. To do audit testwork, you had to be enthralled by it¡ªto see it on a grander scale beyond its tedious nature. It was an entirely different beast when your heart and mind we elsewhere¡ªlike nothing like when you suffered from a broken soul. It was the equivalent of a construction worker doing brickwork with two broken arms¡ªyou might be able to get it done but it would take forever. In this work environment, forever meant being over budget and that usually equated into employee turnover. With my mind on Anya, I now feared every day at work could be the one that got me called into Clyde¡¯s office. In the past, when Anya¡¯s love made me feel safe, I could get lost in my work even as I daydreamed. Now, under the cloud of loss, like a patient just given news they had days to live, I couldn¡¯t think about nothing but what could¡¯ve been and what was. I tried to listen to music but it only took me further away from my work. When Drake gave me the news this morning that I had to take on this audit client, through him the firm had issued me a challenge¡ªthey wanted to gauge where my mind was at. I didn¡¯t find it coincidence this assignment came right after I threw Anya¡¯s pen against the wall. That my office door, usually always open, was now often closed. The only thing that saved me from losing my career was Anya¡¯s texts and the Vicodin I took¡ªboth gave me the focus I needed to finish the tasks at hand. When I got back to the hotel after a quick dinner, I saw the red light on my phone blinking once again.

    ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s me. Just want to say hi and you¡¯re in my thoughts 24/7. Don¡¯t text me back ¨C too hard.¡±

    I wanted to text her back at that instant but I felt it could be held against me. It was comforting to know this moratorium I suggested was hard on her as it was on me. Her last two texts helped me to trust in her love again, and that¡¯s what I hoped for. Just like a doctor who had just given me months to live¡ªI could think of nothing else but Anya and what I stood to lose. I usually snuck in twenty minutes naps after work, but the mental and emotional exhaustion wiped me out so considerably I fell asleep for two hours. When I woke up well rested, I decided to watch some television, which I rarely did, but everything on reminded me of her. I then took another Vicodin to fight back my urge to text her back. When the little hand on the clock landed on the number two, still unable to sleep, I caved in.

    ME: ¡°Hi, it¡¯s me. Having a hard time falling asleep in this bed. You¡¯re always on my mind and always in my heart. There were always three words that meant more to me than ¡°I don¡¯t know¡± and those words were ¡°I love you¡±. I just wanted you to know. You never leave my mind too. I miss you.¡±

    I thought she might respond to me when the morning arrived for in only a couple of hours, but she chose not to. I then relied on a Vicodin to get me through the heart wrenching morning. When the Controller came to see the progress I¡¯ve made, just before lunch time, he appeared to be disappointed I hadn¡¯t gotten to some of the items yet. He felt pressure from the bank as their loan department wanted to know if they had met their covenants. In order to calculate the covenants correctly, I had to audit the numbers first, and that always took some time. All I could do was apologize and tell him I could calculate the covenants for him by early next week when I anticipated most of the testwork would be finished. If I was the Controller, I would have pushed me as well, but even if Anya hadn¡¯t been on my mind, he asked for an impossible feat at this juncture of the audit process. As Anya¡¯s silence continued to rule my mood, I took another Vicodin to make sure I made the timeline I gave him.Love this story? Find the genuine version on the author''s preferred platform and support their work!

    Every ten minutes, my mind would draw my eyes to the phone I now lived through. Each time I hoped to see its red light blinking, it seemed my phone was uncharged. Even with all the loneliness I ever felt, I never felt like no one cared about me, but on this day it seemed that way. The turmoil I felt within brought me back to when I read an article over a year ago. A piece written by someone who had to have felt the same pain I did when he advised people in my situation to run¡ªthat I would eventually be blamed for the turmoil in their life. I criticized the opinion back then as just a guy who jumped into a relationship with both feet who didn¡¯t think about the consequences. It seemed he knew more about it that I did¡ªthat even if you took precaution, these people would do the same thing to you. I began to learn something I denied I¡¯d ever face¡ªI was no longer the solution, or the cure, but the problem. Her duty to her children, and to Jackson¡¯s wealth, had left her delusional enough to believe his abuse of her wasn¡¯t a rational enough excuse to leave him for a man who truly loved her. The darkness of my phone was so bright even without the red light that I couldn¡¯t ignore its truth. With every minute that passed Anya¡¯s love seemed to show me I was the darkness in her life¡ªno longer the light. At thirty-three minutes past three that afternoon, after I took a third Vicodin, she gave me a glimmer of hope.

    ANYA: ¡°Having a hard time.¡±

    I didn¡¯t wish for her to have a ¡°hard time¡±, it was sadistic of me, but I needed to know she struggled like I did. That although I was lonely, I wasn¡¯t alone in this battle for survival and my sanity. I had to be the solution and the cure though¡ªnot the burden or the problem. Her pain provided a spark, and I had to put my hands in the fire.

    ME: ¡°In my texts last night, I just wanted you to know I don¡¯t question your love for me. I saw it in your eyes and heard it through your words the last day we were together.¡±

    ME: ¡°I felt it every day when I couldn¡¯t touch you yet you found a way to touch me regardless of the distance. I know your love is true and real.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m having a hard time too. I¡¯ve spent most of my life alone but I¡¯ve never felt this alone before. It is so hard not to text you. To find out how you¡¯re doing and what you¡¯re up to. You¡¯re still everywhere around me and within.¡±

    ME: ¡°I know I¡¯m making this hard on you and I promised I wouldn¡¯t contact you until after Katie¡¯s graduation. I¡¯ll try it again. Just know I love you very much, this is the hardest thing I¡¯ve ever done, and I care about you more than you could ever realize. I¡¯m here for you if you need me.¡±

    It sure felt I was losing my sanity¡ªjust seconds before I received her texts, I basically questioned her love. The minute I saw her text, I changed back to the man who wanted to believe she planned to be with me. The man who believed in her love because he wanted her to prove him wrong. If she didn¡¯t prove me wrong, I had no reason to live. I didn¡¯t make a life for myself because of a good paying job. That¡¯s not how I ever believed life was made. I made a life for myself to love someone and to be loved¡ªit¡¯s what life was all about. If I lost who I knew without any uncertainty was my soulmate, I was certainly doomed. I would be thrown back into a world of insignificance no matter how much money I made. No matter if I proved to my father that I wasn¡¯t a failure. He was right about me if I lost Anya¡ªI didn¡¯t amount to anything because I was nothing. That¡¯s how I measured myself¡ªto save her from the treachery that was her marriage and the man she married. I struggled back and forth with her betrayal of me but also my betrayal of her. I wasn¡¯t thrilled or jubilant about her having a hard time. I trusted in her broken heart because I never wanted her to experience a hard time ever again. All I wanted to do was hold her in my arms and have her never leave them, and when she had to, kiss her on the head to tell her I can¡¯t wait to have you back in them¡ªwhere she belonged. She didn¡¯t belong in Jackson¡¯s bed¡ªshe belonged in my arms. I didn¡¯t want to give her grief I couldn¡¯t control if I lost it over her ¡°house guest¡±. I didn¡¯t want to risk stealing Katie¡¯s mother away from her during such a great moment for even Jackson to experience with her. It was sure a good strong idea at the time! She was the second closest thing to oxygen¡ªI needed her to live. Without her, if I failed to save her, to ignore the pain she spoke of in texts that she ignored, I couldn¡¯t stay here. I couldn¡¯t be on this planet knowing she was still here also. I¡¯d have to take it to another dimension and try my luck there. This world wasn¡¯t big enough for me and Jackson, and since I knew ¡°I¡¯d lose two arms if I could change things¡± wouldn¡¯t even be willing to part with a pinkie if he lost what I did, I¡¯d have to leave to earth. The world I came from before I met Anya no longer existed for me. I couldn¡¯t go back even if I tried. I didn¡¯t prefer to enter a world without her¡ªI¡¯d have to choose one she wasn¡¯t a part of. I was just happy to be on her mind¡ªthat all these feelings and emotions I felt had a reason for their existence. That I was entitled to feel all I did.

    Anya never responded to my texts. If she had anything close to the difficult time that I did with no one around, I could only imagine the difficulty she had with her kids around¡ªand a suspicious husband.

    Later that morning, to my great surprise, Anya sent me a text,

    ANYA: ¡°Thank you. I appreciate that. Have a nice weekend.¡±

    I guess my heart hoped for a little push back from her rather than a ¡°thank you¡±, but my mind told me her response was for the best. Without her in my life, I could never have a nice weekend. Since she knew how much I hurt without her¡ªshe might as well had wished me to have a nice drowning too. As much as I knew she meant it in the best of ways, my greatest fears always interpreted her pleasantries another way. My heart feared in her silence, that her mission might be to fall out of love with me, and the texts she sent me were nothing but letters in a bottle thrown out to sea. This fear forced me to respond to let her know I refused to give up on us.

    ME: ¡°After Katie¡¯s graduation, I would please like to know the things that upset you so much when I texted you. I don¡¯t want you to hate me. I hope you have a nice weekend too.¡±

    I didn¡¯t hear back from her and I couldn¡¯t deny it didn¡¯t pain me when I didn¡¯t. I tried not to take her silence personally and took another Vicodin to help me through the day. I remembered a time when Fridays were my favorite day of the week, but now I dreaded them as much as Mondays. The excitement of the love I shared with Anya seemed to be lost¡ªreplaced with unfulfilled expectations that rendered me hopeless. I couldn¡¯t help but be worried that I gave my heart to someone who only wanted someone to help her get past the memory of Jackson¡¯s infidelities¡ªthe same way I now used Vicodin to help me erase the pain I felt so I could continue with my life. The only difference was it seemed she didn¡¯t need me after she escaped.

    My weekends now carried a dulled feeling but with a great uneasiness inside, like a tortured ghost on a ship that constantly relived the intense hopeless moments before it sank. My weekends were just another day during the week without Anya in my life. I no longer wanted to meet anyone else, or could accept love from another. Like the skin from a reptile after it shed¡ªthe Landyn I knew before I met Anya, was forever gone. Growing up, I never understood any of Air Supply¡¯s songs, especially the song ¡°I¡¯m all Out of Love¡±, but I surely knew it now. I always wondered if I could ever relate to those songs I used to listen to when I dreamt of love, but now I did more than I ever wanted to. I was truly all out of love, and I could never give someone else what I already gave to her. I remember I laughed at a friend¡¯s love sickness once day. When my friend, Mick aka ¡°Sweetie¡±, told me he couldn¡¯t sleep, he couldn¡¯t eat and he couldn¡¯t even do number two. I could now attest it did exist, but he handled it much better than I could. I felt love sick several times with Anya, nothing more than the way I felt when she was with her husband for three days in Tenerife, but that was nothing but a small headache compared to the soul deadening pain I felt.

    Early that Saturday morning, as I laid in my bed deeply depressed, and wondered how I could ever recover a small piece of my life it I lost her, the red light on my phone began to blink.

    ANYA: ¡°Sorry, turned my fone off¡ªin Cabo. Hope you¡¯re having a good weekend.¡±

    With renewed life, I felt relieved she was now in Cabo with Katie. I then texted back to let her know this wasn¡¯t about me, but about her time with Katie.

    ME: ¡°Thank you, have a good weekend. Enjoy your time with Katie.¡±

    I found it funny she could ever believe, for a second, I could ever have a good weekend without hearing from her. I found her to be sincere though, and she didn¡¯t mean anything by it to hurt me. She only texted me it because she knew how tough the silence was on her¡ªshe knew we were in this together. I would find it easier to ride a unicycle and balance a stack of tea cups on my head than to have a nice weekend. Anya was all I knew for the last eighteen months, and during that time she became all I ever wanted to know. Without her in my life, I was just like dark matter¡ªnothing at all.

    Since she was in Cabo, I had to stick to what I promised her. I found it odd she had her phone off though, but I then realized a possible reason for it¡ªto help her get through the silence on the other end. She may had felt if she wouldn¡¯t hear from me that she had no reason to keep it on as it tortured her¡ªthe same way it tortured me. But I was a glutton for punishment however, and remained. Over the next three days, my phone¡¯s red light appeared to be as broken as my spirit until Anya reached out to me on the morning of June ninth, a Tuesday.

    ANYA: ¡°Hope ur doing well.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m just really missing you. I hope ur doing well.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I miss u very much.¡±

    Although her text informed me that her daughter¡¯s grad trip was over, Katie had not yet graduated¡ªwhat I wanted to give Anya the time and space for. As terribly as I missed her, if she was in the same kind of fragile emotional state I was in, if I cracked, it would take her away from her daughter. I remembered the feelings she had with Andrew the day he graduated elementary school¡ªhow she felt she lied to him, a preemie who made it a long way as he wore nothing but smiles. I didn¡¯t want her to have the same feelings when Katie graduated. I wanted her to be there for Katie in every way and to really enjoy the moment. I didn¡¯t want her to look back years later and regret any feelings she had that day. That could only be possible if I left her alone, and stayed out of the way. On my lunch hour however, I just wanted her to know she was on my mind¡ªI didn¡¯t want her to think, after she reached out to me, that I wanted the same for her as well.

    ME: ¡°I hope you¡¯re having a good day. Thinking of you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°How r u?¡±

    I didn¡¯t know what to make of her response because I didn¡¯t expect to hear from her. Her question worried me¡ªshe only asked me how I was and she usually told me she was thinking of me too. I didn¡¯t know what to tell her. I didn¡¯t want to make her feel bad if I told her the truth¡ªthat I died more each second without hearing from her. That I¡¯d rather have the hair pulled out of my head than to go through the torturous thoughts that swirled inside of it.

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m doing okay. Just keeping busy with work. I¡¯m out in Hesperia again this week. How r u?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m ok. Of course, I think about you constantly. Just hope ur doing well.¡±

    ME: ¡°I think about you constantly too. I even watched ¡°The Bachelorette¡± last night and thought of you. There¡¯s always something that reminds me of you. You¡¯re my best friend, Anya.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°You¡¯re my best friend too, it hurts.¡±

    ME: ¡°Do you shutoff your fone to deal with the silence?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yes I do.¡±

    ME: ¡°Not looking to start anything, but I just hope you know how much you mean to me. How much I miss you every day. This has been really hard but I need to do this for you. I don¡¯t want you to feel the same thing during Katie¡¯s graduation that you did at Andrew¡¯s elementary school graduation. I just wanted you to know I¡¯m aware more than ever that when I hurt, it hurts you too. From where we are, it¡¯s equally hard for me to see your pain as it is for you to see mine. I just wanted to let you know I understand, and that¡¯s why I thought the silence would be a good idea. It¡¯s not done to hurt you babe, but to help you really enjoy Katie¡¯s graduation without feeling you¡¯re letting her down because I¡¯m distracting you.¡±

    What I shared shouldn¡¯t have surprised her, but what she shared with me, hit me square in the gut, and my heart at the same time.

    ANYA: ¡°I asked Andrew what he wanted for his Bday and he said ¡°my family¡± looking right at me w/big brown eyes. I don¡¯t expect u to understand but what is a mother to do?¡±

    Her text left me in pieces as I tried to put together a response. On the one hand, it broke my heart to read for her. It broke my heart too, but not as much as it tore into hers. I feared I may have caused his birthday wish to be requested with the tears I caused during her twenty-minute visit to my apartment. I then imagined her eyes filled with tears when she got home. I also couldn¡¯t help but think how she either tried to avoid them altogether, or tried to act like nothing affected her while she integrated herself in their world with reddened eyes. I couldn¡¯t imagine what it felt like when he looked up to her with his big brown eyes. Eyes that trusted her from the minute he vacated her womb, brought into this world months earlier than expected because of all the pain she carried in her heart.

    There was also the part of me that struggled with why Andrew asked for his ¡°family¡± for his birthday. He was far too young to sense something was wrong with his family, and for him to do so suggested he was on to her. It was not the first time he worried about her leaving. He also worried the night she was overwhelmed when no one helped her clean up after dinner. I never understood why Anya confided in a stranger more than her own kids about her disdain for Jackson. I guess in her mind being a great provider was more important than being a great husband. She felt to leave him for that was unfair to the kids, but it was also now unfair for her to stay because of what she confided in that stranger¡ªa secret with great significance. Why did she tell me at all if she would never be brave enough to tell them? She didn¡¯t even have to sell him out for his unfaithful heart. As much as I despised him for his cheating ways, I had no plans to reveal what she shared with me about the perfect father and husband portrait she painted for them. The thing that bothered me, was that they thought she was the problem in the marriage. That mom was the unloving and uncaring one especially when I knew there could be nothing further from the truth. Jackson brought out the worst in Anya. He only inspired her to teach her kids about the value of money, and not about true values. That was never more evident the day she told me his room had dollar bill wallpaper. I had posters of my favorite baseball players on the white painted walls in my bedroom. Money was important to have in life, no question, but something like that only inspired an idolization of it. What kind of security did Anya provide her children knowing all she truly felt inside? How much her heart belonged to someone else? How come it would be unreasonable to be open with Andrew about why it didn¡¯t feel like a family at times? Anya was a people pleaser, and there were no two people she wanted to please more than her children. I honestly loved her for that, but at the same time, how could she bring me in her direction and then hit me with something like this without a belief in the goodness of our love? I didn¡¯t want to minimize how she felt when her baby told her this. I surely wouldn¡¯t want her to disappoint him, but why was she so fearful of her own children? How come she couldn¡¯t sit down with him and ask him why he felt that way? What did it truly mean when he asked why he worried about losing his family? I tried to put myself in his soon to be eleven-year old shoes and I didn¡¯t think I could ever be that fully aware of what a family represented enough to know what I stood to lose. Families had to be lost at a regular clip where he lived.

    I understood Anya¡¯s position, but I couldn¡¯t say it didn¡¯t scare the life out of me. If she were to give in to everything a ten-year old desired, then what stopped her from falling back in love with Jackson and trying again? It killed me to think selfishly but Andrew¡¯s birthday wish represented a death sentence to the man his mother confided in. It bothered me that Anya made promises to him as if I didn¡¯t exist in her life¡ªthat I had no right to feel this way about it. That if I did, I was a cold heartless piece of shit human being who cared less about her kids, or her. That I couldn¡¯t have loved her if her kids would be hurt by her leaving their father. How could she punish the man who honored her, and not the one who dishonored her? Who used her to build his wealth while he played on the side? She knew all we shared was so special she referred to me as her soulmate. How could she cave in and then turn around to the man who endured so much just to see her twenty minutes every two weeks now? How could she forget there was another man in her life before me too? She had no business being married as much as she had making promises to stay for her son. I loved Anya with every fiber of my being, and I¡¯d try to understand before I lost my wits about it all, but she had to show the same amount of fear with them as she did the day she approached me at Sonomas. If anything, that should scare her more than anything her kids asked her to promise them.

    I didn¡¯t want to criticize her, I loved her, but this hurt a lot. That she couldn¡¯t sit down with Andrew and find a solution to make him feel safe within the truth he was even aware of. Even with Katie, it seemed she¡¯d rather let her go to sleep at night carrying the problems of her marriage along with her¡ªall because Anya wanted to keep them in a bubble that would only burst one day. It seemed she filled their world with sunshine and rainbows, and whatever they wanted under that same sky¡ªeven at the expense of others. I just couldn¡¯t understand why she allowed and encouraged me to feel so much when her kids were the ultimate decision makers. That she took my heart and placed it in their hands, instead of her own. I didn¡¯t understand how she could accuse me of not being the big boy I promised her I would be, when she allowed her children to make adult decisions for her. As much as I felt she owed me more than letting her kids make a decision I trusted was hers to make¡ªit wasn¡¯t right to make her feel guilty about it. I respected it wasn¡¯t easy for a mother to hear, and I wanted to be on her side, not against her. I wanted to trust her, not question her. I wanted to believe in her love¡ªit was the only thing that could save me¡­and us.

    ME: ¡°Thank you for sharing because it helps me understand better what you¡¯re going through. I would love to sit down with you in person some time and talk to you about it. I love you and I know it¡¯s hard on you. I know you feel your hands are tied.¡±

    ME: ¡°I think the saddest thing about Andrew¡¯s request is knowing the reason he would be aware enough to ask for it. It¡¯s the same reason he¡¯s afraid you¡¯re going to leave. It¡¯s because he knows there¡¯s something not right at home. I hate to say it but even though there¡¯s peace he can sense the tension because he¡¯s already experienced it.¡±

    ME: ¡°The last thing I ever want to do is hurt you. I want to be on your side. I want to be there for you. Just know that I¡¯m also an advocate for your happiness. I have to have the courage as your best friend to sometimes tell you things others won¡¯t, and I can only hope you do the same for me.¡±

    ME: ¡°All I ever wanted from day one was to be with the greatest person that walked into my life. I could never hate you even if I tried, and I understand your struggles better than you think I do.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Thank u I appreciate that. This is the Landyn I fell in love with.¡±

    If I believed she didn¡¯t truly love me, I would never make it out of life alive¡ªI had to try and see her side or die. I never wanted to stray from the Landyn she fell in love with, and felt bad I did, but I fell in love for the sake of being with her¡ªnot for the sake of falling in love. I wanted to believe she truly loved me the same way I loved her. I knew if she loved me the way I loved her, there¡¯s no way she would choose a dishonest life---she would break free and make the promises that brought the truth along with them.

    Before I headed back to my hotel room that evening, Anya messaged me again after a longer than expected workday.

    ANYA: ¡°How¡¯s work going? What do you do for dinner out there?¡±

    ME: ¡°I had a productive day today. I just grab a sandwich from Subway or something. They have an Applebee¡¯s out here, but I don¡¯t care for ribs. Are you ready for Katie¡¯s grad festivities?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I bet Applebee¡¯s offers more than just ribs. I think they r like a Chili¡¯s. You should go wild one night and check it out! Grad plans are coming along.¡±

    ME: ¡°I don¡¯t know if I have it in me to be that wild.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ha ha! I¡¯ve missed you.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯ve missed you too. It¡¯s been really nice hearing from you today.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Likewise¡±

    Whenever she finished a message without a period, it seemed she experienced an emotional moment of some kind. I just hoped I didn¡¯t text anything that upset her and if I did, she would be open about it. I began to regret when I texted her that my ¡°feelings had outgrown our contained relationship¡±. I didn¡¯t mean it in the sense I loved her any less or I was planning to confront her husband now that I knew he knew, but it was the furthest thing from my mind. I just can¡¯t believe she¡¯d ever put me in the position to feel the need to do that¡ªthat she¡¯d protect me if it came down to it. I also didn¡¯t want her to think I couldn¡¯t go on anymore because my feelings outgrew our contained relationship. I loved this woman to death. Without killing another human being, I¡¯d do anything for her and that included taking a bullet if I had to. I¡¯d put my life on the line for her without a second¡¯s hesitation. If Jackson threatened to kill her, I would take the bullet for her and all the blame for our love if it came down to it¡ªeven if I believed she was more at fault. We were here now. There was no turning back and no changing anything that has happened between us. I had no regrets for the way I loved her. I felt blessed to have shared all I have with the most beautiful person put on this earth in my eyes. How many people can truly say that? That they got to love and be loved by the most beautiful person both subjectively and objectively? Anya was beautiful to a lot of people, not just myself¡ªI just knew her inner beauty more than most, if not all. Anya was my dream of true love realized. To lose her would be far worse than just losing her. She was not another fish in the sea, but the only fish in the sea. If she escaped my grasp back into the cold sea, I¡¯d rather drown in it too. Not only did my career ride on Anya¡¯s love for me, but all I ever hoped, wished and dreamt for since I was a kid. I¡¯d lose the meaning in every love song ever written if I lost her. I couldn¡¯t have been more a failure in this life if I did.

    Although Andrew¡¯s birthday request crushed me, I also knew he had nothing to fear¡ªhe would have his family for his birthday. Even if Anya wanted to run away with me on that very night, I would never deny him his wish. To fulfill his wish came a greater burden on my heart, that his mother would give back her heart to her abuser. How could that ever set well with me after all I put on the line for her? How could she ever do that to me? That was the kind of betrayal that would drive me over the edge, and confront Jackson. I just couldn¡¯t believe for a second Anya¡¯s love could lead me there. That all we shared meant something special to her. That she understood all I endured the nights I spent paralyzed in bed because I missed her so much. As unlikely that chance was, it worried me still because the unknown variable of our relationship, when she was at home and away from me, told me there was a chance especially after she rolled out a red carpet for her sister in law.

    I began to feel back to normal after we talked and when the sun shone upon the next day, I felt courageous enough to reach out and see how she was doing.

    ANYA: ¡°Crazed! Katie¡¯s recital is this weekend too! How r u?¡±

    ME: ¡°Not bad! Hang in there! It¡¯ll be over before you know it so try to smell the roses and enjoy yourself! Just wanted to check in with you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ha! U know me ¨C stressed! Grad party and recital party at the house as well!¡±

    When I learned she hosted the recital party as well at her house, it bummed me out to see more people around her would be exposed to her marriage with Jackson. Why did her house always have to be party central? Was it for networking purposes? She claimed to be in love with me yet she¡¯s showing off the house she bought with Jackson and her marriage to him with others? Maybe I was just sensitive because I knew the weekend would be another hard one on my heart¡ªspent in bed as if I was nailed down to it. It never bothered me when she did these things for her daughter, but it gave everyone around her the impression she had the perfect family and marriage. It seemed like so many people, even in her own neighborhood, left their spouses for much lesser reasons than Anya would. I worried the more parties she threw, the more she gave to her marriage, the more people who knew of them, the harder it would be for her to leave. The crazy thing about it all, was that Anya felt if she changed the way she loved me, then it gave her the right to do these things. She couldn¡¯t go back and remove the bullet from my heart then tell me okay, you¡¯re as good as new. The damage had already been inflicted¡ªwe¡¯ve been together for eighteen months now, not just eighteen days. The recital party had to be for business, political or for tax purposes¡ªit just seemed overkill to me. Then again, I was only sensitive to it because of my hope to be with her, and for a woman who told me she wanted to be with me¡ªthese actions spoke painfully louder than her words. When I focused my thoughts on Katie, certain the recital party meant the world to her, it made me feel selfish to think the way I did.

    ME: ¡°You¡¯re amazing.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Not amazing. Just being a mom.¡±

    ME: ¡°My mother is fantastic, but she never did things like that for me.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Neither did mine, but she didn¡¯t know how.¡±

    ME: ¡°Hence amazing.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Thank you.¡±

    I believed both Katie and Andrew deserved parties and everything else she gave them, but I never saw Anya deny her kids a single thing. They only seemed to learn the value of money and not anything about adversity or the word ¡°no¡±. Maybe that¡¯s what all parents wanted for their kids? To never say ¡°no¡± to them if they had the money to do so? It only bothered me because she used Jackson¡¯s money as if she never had any plans to leave him. I had to be honest with myself, without his money, the parties aren¡¯t possible. In all fairness to Anya, she loved her kids and was an artistic person, and I¡¯d view her recital party that way if my heart wasn¡¯t so vested and I hadn¡¯t trusted her as much as I did. Anya probably viewed the recital differently than I did¡ªnot an event to accentuate her marriage, but as an opportunity to utilize her creative side. I had to also understand she was a social person who loved gatherings and being around people. It¡¯s what made her a great event planner for CPG. I just wish I could look at things differently but her inconsistency at times forced me to read into things¡ªeven those as benign as a recital party for her daughter.

    Since Anya had a busy weekend, when Friday came around, I planned to leave her alone. I didn¡¯t want to distract her from anything, and I promised her we would talk after Katie¡¯s grad festivities. I strayed enough from my proposal, but I just wanted her to know how much she meant to me, and that she was on my mind the whole time. However, Anya surprisingly decided to break the silence.

    ANYA: ¡°Graduation went well.¡±

    ME: ¡°Congratulations! Very happy to hear that! Was her ceremony this morning?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yes this morning. I was sad.¡±

    ME: ¡°Why were you sad?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Can¡¯t believe I have a high schooler.¡±

    ME: ¡°Time sure flies, doesn¡¯t it? Is her grad party tonight?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yes¡±

    It must have felt just like yesterday when she dropped her daughter off at school for the first time, and now here Katie was¡ªin high school. I wasn¡¯t a parent though¡ªI didn¡¯t know exactly what Anya felt so I could offer the right words to comfort her. All I knew was how it made my day to hear from her. When I saw another period missing from her ¡°Yes¡±, I could sense the whole day was emotional for her and wanted to respect that.

    The Lakers were back in the NBA Finals against the Orlando Magic, and while Katie¡¯s grad party took place, I decided to watch a pivotal Game four from my hotel room. The Lakers hadn¡¯t been to the Finals since Shaq was with the team in 2004. Orlando was only 4.6 seconds away from tying up the series at two games each when Derek Fisher dribbled down the court unguarded and nailed a long clutch three pointer to tie up the game. The game went to overtime and Fish hit another big shot to pull out the win and put the Lakers up three games to one in the Finals. Even though he missed all five of his three pointers in the game, he still took a shot with everything on the line without thinking twice about it. I loved Derek Fisher as a basketball player, a pure professional his entire career who had the knack for hitting big shots¡ªnone bigger than the three-pointer to send the game into overtime in the NBA Finals. A few seconds after Fisher hit that shot, my mom called me. When I told her I saw it and how unbelievable it all was, we hung up the phone only to be back on the line fifteen minutes later when he hit another shot in overtime to seal the game. My mom and I bonded over the Lakers¡ªshe loved them more than my Dad did. After the Lakers won Game Four, on the same day Anya sent me a very sweet text, I slept well that night¡ªa good night of rest I desperately needed and my final weeknight I had to spend in a hotel room.

    When the next morning arrived, I provided the Company¡¯s Controller with the bank loan covenants calculations I promised, and told him I¡¯ll be out of his hair before noon. He thanked me for my time and for getting the things he needed from me done on time. When I returned to the client¡¯s conference room, to wrap up the last of my audit test work, the red light on my phone blinked.

    ANYA: ¡°I miss u. Hope ur well. Good game last nite!¡±

    ME: ¡°Remarkable game! Work is going very well. I¡¯m just wrapping up the final audit work now and then heading home. I¡¯m doing ok. I miss u, too. How r u?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Glad to hear work is going very well. I¡¯m ok too.¡±

    When I learned Anya watched the game too, or was aware what happened, I put my phone to my chest. I couldn¡¯t help but dream of one day watching a game together with her and my mom. With my mother¡¯s uncertain future, I couldn¡¯t deny a little pressure began to build¡ªIf this event ever had a chance to take place.

    The minute I walked inside my apartment¡ªI immediately crashed. After four straight nights in a hotel, it felt good to be in my own bed. When I woke up at around six, I tried to come to my senses after an unexpected four-hour nap in the middle of the day while the red light on my phone told me I had a message.

    ANYA: ¡°How¡¯s your mom?¡±

    The Anya I fell in love with emerged from her cocoon the past two days, as I could feel the love, within each one she sent. That was the beauty of Anya¡¯s heart I struggled the most with¡ªthe times she said ¡°I love you¡± without telling me.

    ME: ¡°The chemo causes sores in her mouth. They burn so badly she has a hard time eating a salad. Each sore is small but she has quite a few of them. Other than that, she¡¯s doing good. Thank you for asking.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m sorry that¡¯s rough. I think about her all the time. Watching the game with her this weekend?¡±

    ME: ¡°Very sweet of you. Thank you. Yes I am.¡±

    Anya¡¯s concern for my mother was genuine and heartfelt. A large part of the pressure behind my push for Anya to leave Jackson, and to live an honest life, was due to my mother¡¯s battle with Cancer. I knew without a doubt they would hit it off if they met each other, and I really wanted Anya to know her. I would probably have to pry my mother away from her if they ever did get to know each other. Anya had a magnetic personality and their personality types were a perfect match for each other. My mother would be in her corner if she needed her to be, and would¡¯ve disown me if I ever cheated on her like Jackson did. A big part of me couldn¡¯t deny I wanted my mother to be a grandmother before she died too. Now though, that would only happen with Anya¡ªI didn¡¯t want children with anyone else but her. If I did meet someone else if Anya left me, I¡¯d be way too old to even have kids because I wouldn¡¯t get over her anytime soon. I also believed if she stayed, I feared she could be battling cancer too one day¡ªthe same way my mother did. My father was there for my mother, if she needed a ride to her chemo treatments or to the hospital, but not emotionally. My father checked out when my mother battled the mental aspect of her disease. Jackson would hire someone to take care of Anya if she got sick. How could she trust a man to care at her worst time when he left her hanging at her best times? Anya was pregnant, with her son while Jackson was out galivanting with another woman who was also married. At the time she needed his support the most, and all because she wasn¡¯t in the mood for sex after she spent the day with her head in a toilet, Jackson made it about him instead and found it elsewhere. In his sick mind, since the woman was married too, he found the heart to arrange it with someone who had no plans to leave too¡ªso Anya could feel safe he had no plans to leave her, just using the woman for sex until Anya could feel up for it again. I didn¡¯t care if it happened fifty years ago to her¡ªit should¡¯ve never happened at all. Part of my anger was my disgust with Jackson¡ªa man who would do the same kind of thing if she were to fall ill with Cancer. He wouldn¡¯t be there for her, he¡¯d make it about himself, and give a sob story to the next woman who was stupid enough to buy it because of his social status. I came into Anya¡¯s life to save her from the rest of her life with Jackson. I had a right to have selfish reasons for Anya to leave¡ªafter all she allowed and encouraged me to feel for her. It wasn¡¯t all about me though¡ªI had valid thoughtful selfless reasons why I wanted her to leave. If Anya were to lose a breast like my mother did, there was zero doubt since Jackson cheated on her when she was pregnant, that he would¡¯ve cheated on her if she lost a breast.

    I hated that Anya was still with him since I came into her life to save her from him. He could be the Father of the year, but that¡¯s not what this was about¡ªhe had to be the husband of the year too for me to see them as a ¡°family¡±. When Anya shared with me that Andrew wanted his family for his birthday, it seemed more fantasy than reality. It was a nice Hallmark moment, but how could there be a family when there was no honor in the marriage? The only honorable thing about their marriage, the only thing that legitimized it was the accumulation over time of green paper. Andrew did not have a real ¡°family¡± anymore, and it was sad she felt she had to make believe he did. He had four people who lived under the same roof who did family related things, but in my eyes and for anyone who knew their marital history, there was no family without two parents who honored each other. There was no communication, no trust and no love between them. Their marriage was riddled with deceit and knowing that, the family he wished for was a mirage. Anya did the right thing, and I didn¡¯t expect her to tell the kids about the infidelities, nor would I want to. I just wanted her to not be so quick to believe that shielding them from the real world was the right and only thing she could do¡ªif she truly believed in her heart that there was goodness in our love. I also knew a huge difference existed between my mother and Jackson¡¯s own mother, her current mother-in-law who advised Anya to ¡°suck it up¡± after Jackson cheated on her. I only hoped Anya didn¡¯t raise Andrew the same way her husband¡¯s mother raised Jackson to be¡ªto absolve her perfect son of any wrongdoing because he at least provides for his family¡ªsomething he shouldn¡¯t have received a medal for. The way she raised Jackson only created a monster Anya had to deal with. All because a man was a good provider didn¡¯t mean his philandering ways should simply be forgotten and tolerated. Would Jackson¡¯s mother have told her son to ¡°suck it up¡± if he was cheated on? In any relationship, loyalty and respect always held each other, and regardless of her mother in law¡¯s version of it, Anya¡¯s awareness of the bond between them was why I was in her life. I now had to find a way to get Anya to see how important this was for her kids to know as well, so one day they could avoid what she wasn¡¯t able to¡ªso that Anya¡¯s grandchildren would never believe their parents were unloving too.

    Anya¡¯s sweet words about my mother, made my Friday night much better, and when Saturday morning arrived, I sent her a text with memories of Katie¡¯s last recital on my mind.

    ME: ¡°How r u? Does Katie¡¯s recital start today?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yes 3 shows today. Just shoot me! I¡¯m good ¨C getting ready to head over. How r u?¡±

    ME: ¡°Aww babe. I¡¯m good. Don¡¯t stress out over there and enjoy yourself. I¡¯m sure Katie will be great!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Thank u.¡±

    Katie¡¯s recital jettisoned me right back to a little over a year ago¡ªto her last recital and the night I learned her last name was Caiaphas¡ªa significant detail about herself Anya believed I was still unaware of. Lance though not only knew who Jackson Caiaphas was, but also that he was married to Anya. She told me the reason Lance left her was because she had kids, but his knowledge of who her husband was seemed to be the much likelier reason why he ran. After Lance broke her heart, Anya¡¯s strategy with me was if I didn¡¯t know who her husband was, I could never use it as a reason to leave her too. She never really chose to tell me she was married¡ªMitch instead forced her to. But more importantly, I needed to know who she married to as well. I felt it was her responsibility to make that known to me, and not my responsibility to let her know I actually knew what she married into. I knew why she never planned to tell me though¡ªit would obliterate her argument that she stayed solely for the kids. If she had told me who her husband was, she knew I would¡¯ve never chosen to fall in love with her. She knew I would be up against his money, and that was the real reason why she never left the Goose who laid the golden eggs after he used them to cheat on her. It was Jackson¡¯s wealth and status that gave him more opportunities than it did most men¡ªnot his looks and character. If she couldn¡¯t help herself from being dishonest with me about her marriage and who she married so I would date her, then I couldn¡¯t help but to hold her accountable for her belief in love. If she lied to someone so she could have love in her life, then she only lied to herself if she chose not to take the love I gave her. If she was willing to lie to me about Jackson, then she really wanted to be with me regardless of her two kids. That alone spoke loudly than when she told me ¡°I love you forever¡± did. If I couldn¡¯t fight for her to have love, and the things she purposely didn¡¯t disclose, so she could have love, then I couldn¡¯t fight for anything or anyone. The part of me that hurt because of her lack of disclosure was mad at her, but the larger part of me that loved her knew she deserved to have love.

    I wished I could¡¯ve been at Katie¡¯s recital, but I had to understand why I wasn¡¯t invited this time. Not to mention, if Jackson was there, it would be simple arithmetic for him. I never aspired to always be a stranger in the crowd anyway. I understood I had to be the stranger last year, but I knew so much about both Katie and Andrew now that it was painful to retain the ¡°stranger¡± title. It was tough to know Anya was brave enough to share their everyday lives with me, even up to the minute, but wasn¡¯t brave enough to know if she wanted me to meet them one day. After all we shared, every promise she made to Andrew to stay only crushed me inside¡ªI fell in love with them too.

    A little later that Saturday afternoon, I texted Anya again to see how things were going.

    ME: ¡°I hope the recital is going well. Thinking of you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°You never leave my mind. Going well. Intermission of 2<sup>nd</sup> show now.¡±

    ME: ¡°You never leave my mind too.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I remember how excited I was backstage around this time last year.¡±

    ME: ¡°. I was just excited to be that close to you. I remember how honored I felt just to be in the crowd. I remember feeling how proud you must have felt watching Katie perform. Believe me, there hasn¡¯t been a minute that¡¯s passed by today where I haven¡¯t wished I could be there right now. I would¡¯ve seen every show.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I know you would but I have to talk to you about that. You told me I brought you too close to my kids and I¡¯m trying to be sensitive to that.¡±

    ME: ¡°I just don¡¯t think you realize for every dream I¡¯ve had of us¡ªI¡¯ve also had a dream of knowing your kids. I won¡¯t get into details but I fell in love with them too. I appreciate that you¡¯re considering my sensitivity but I have to laugh because I already feel what I feel for them so it really doesn¡¯t matter now.¡±

    I couldn¡¯t believe Anya texted me what she did. After she invited me to her daughter¡¯s recital and said it meant a lot to her that I was there. After she shared with me the daily lives of her kids, so much so I grew to care for them. After she shared their lives with me, so much so, I even began to relive my youth vicariously through them¡ªshe now planned to be sensitive to ¡°that¡±. Anya made it clear she shared their lives with me because she wanted to share them with the man she loved. Was it unreasonable for me to believe that if she withdrew them that she did so because she no longer felt the same way? I saw this as an attempt to manipulate and control my feelings, and after all we¡¯ve shared and all I¡¯ve felt, after eighteen months it felt wrong for her to do. She already shot me, and she couldn¡¯t remove the bullets and I¡¯d be like new again¡ªit was too late to be sensitive to my feelings. Now, if she were to be sensitive to my feelings, it felt like she could care less for them. Although I didn¡¯t feel loved by her through that text¡ªI didn¡¯t want to feel like a stranger in the crowd again. I did that to show her I was for real, that I loved Anya even with her ¡°baggage¡±. I did it to prove I was nothing like Lance, who she claimed left her because she had kids. When Anya told me, she wanted to be ¡°sensitive¡± to me with her kids¡ªit felt the invite to Katie¡¯s recital was a test rather than an act of love for me. The only reason I wouldn¡¯t have gone to the recital was because I would feel awkward not knowing Katie. When Anya communicated to me that it meant a lot to her for me to be there¡ªI was all in. If it made Anya happy; I¡¯d do anything for her¡ªeven feel like a creep. Her text only made me question why she shared so much of them with me in the first place? For any man in my position, I would think it was a great thing, even an honor, for a woman to share the lives of her kids for me. And it indeed was an honor, but wouldn¡¯t most people in my position believe that she wanted me to eventually meet them one day? Anya shared so much of Katie¡¯s life with me that she even told me I knew Katie more than any man ever had¡ªeven her own father. Yet, why would she ever pull them away from me all because I wanted to meet them after she shared their lives with me in such detail nearly every day? Did she do it because she planned to be with me or did she do it for a cause she purposely made me unaware of? Did she bring me close to her kids as a political move? That if I knew all about them that I¡¯d be inclined to understand if Anya completely pulled the rug out from under me after all we¡¯ve shared? I hated to think she would do something like that to me, but the fear was there. All along, I thought she wanted me to know about them because she wanted me to be a part of their lives one day. Consistent with the times she told me she fantasized of having a kid with me and wanting to wear my ring. Why would I not be allowed to think she wanted me to know them one day after she told me those things¡ªafter all we¡¯ve shared together? Without a promise, who¡¯s to say she didn¡¯t play a game with my heart if she tried to manipulate and control my feelings? I know Anya didn¡¯t want to hurt me¡ªbecause when I hurt, she hurt, but if she truly cared about my feelings and my sensitivity to things, why couldn¡¯t she also find a way to leave Jackson and be honest with them about her unhappiness with the marriage? She knew I was most sensitive to her sleeping next to Jackson than anything she could possibly share about her kids yet she never cared doing anything about that. These were the kind of inconsistencies that led me to question her love¡ªwhy I teetered on the edge of insanity.

    As these thoughts flew around in my head with the precision of a thousand aimless asteroids, I hoped to hear back from her. When I learned my Saturday night would be as quiet as the red light on my phone, I had a hard time falling asleep. Regardless of my negative feelings from Anya¡¯s gesture to my sensitivity, I was genuinely happy for her daughter. Although she had a recital, her grad and recital parties, it was important for her to play hard before she would be sent off to work harder. I really hoped she enjoyed herself because it was a weekend she would one day reflect on and say ¡°gosh, I really miss those days¡±. It¡¯s what I would¡¯ve told my daughter, anyway.

    When the next morning arrived, I grabbed my phone and noticed its red message indicator light was on.

    ANYA: ¡°Sorry, got busy and didn¡¯t get home until after midnight. Wiped out. I didn¡¯t realize u felt that way about my kids. You love the complete me. You¡¯re a special man.¡±

    ME: ¡°I don¡¯t know if that makes me special but I do love the complete you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I love u, u know.¡±

    ME: ¡°I love you too.¡±

    When Anya told me, she didn¡¯t know I felt that way about her kids and that I loved the complete her, I felt left for dead. I know she loved me, but it didn¡¯t feel the same. She had to have known I loved the complete her. I always cared about her kids. Each time they were sick, I¡¯d always ask how they were. Even when Anya sent me Katie¡¯s letter¡ªit bothered me that she went to bed at night blaming herself for Anya¡¯s marriage to Jackson. For the last eighteen months I fought for her to have love yet I wasn¡¯t even worthy of a text during a break in the recital? She seemed to care about what others thought more than she could have loved me. I knew she loved me over Jackson, but it didn¡¯t give me comfort that she didn¡¯t love him at all. How could she sleep in the same bed after all we¡¯ve shared if she didn¡¯t? If she truly cared about my sensitivity to anything, why did she still share a bed with him? I couldn¡¯t say ¡°I know¡± you love me anymore. If she had to follow ¡°I love you¡± with ¡°you know¡±, how did that not bring her love for me into question? I would leave her with zero doubt if she ever questioned my love for her. I knew her hands were tied, but I went off my prior experiences with her love for me to question it a bit¡ªwhy it felt different. I had to be honest with myself. If she loved me differently it was for only two reasons¡ªto fall out of love with me or she had already fallen out of love with me.

    After our exchange, I felt a little better and decided to watch Game Five of the NBA Finals with my mother. When I arrived at my parent¡¯s house, my father was home as well and offered to order a pizza, so we took him up on the offer. When the pizza arrived and my father and I were seated at the table, my bald mother bounded into the kitchen from her room with a huge smile as she took her seat to eat with us. She usually walked around the house without her wig on but she looked just fine without her hair¡ªor maybe because it never seemed to bother her, it felt that way. It even felt as if my mother was not a Cancer patient, and only decided to cut her hair off in support of one. When she sat down excited to eat, my father put a slice of pizza on a plate and brought it to her.

    ¡°Did you want a salad?¡± he asked her. ¡°I ordered enough for two.¡±

    ¡°Oh no. I can¡¯t eat salad.¡± She replied.

    ¡°But you can eat pizza?¡± I asked wide-eyed in disbelief.

    ¡°Yes.¡± she said as she took a bite of her pizza then started to fan at her mouth wildly. ¡°It doesn¡¯t burn as much.¡±

    ¡°I would¡¯ve thought a salad would be easier for you.¡± I wondered aloud.

    ¡°I find it strange, too.¡± she answered before taking a hefty drink from a glass of water.

    ¡°Did you return your wig?¡± I asked.

    ¡°I decided to keep it.¡±

    ¡°You don¡¯t wear it around the house?¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t.¡± She replied through a napkin. ¡°You can call me Kojak, Honey.¡±

    ¡°You look good without hair, Mom.¡± My Father said to her.

    ¡°Doesn¡¯t she?¡± I agreed. ¡°Her head is symmetrically perfect.¡±

    ¡°Some lady really ticked me off at Foodco the other day.¡± My mother blurted out. ¡°Your father was there.¡±

    ¡°What happened?¡±

    ¡°I won¡¯t be going back there ever again.¡± she continued. ¡°I won¡¯t even buy my coffin from them now.¡±

    ¡°Please stop talkin¡¯ like that.¡± My father said to her.

    ¡°They sell coffins there?¡± I asked. ¡°They really do sell everything there.¡±

    ¡°They¡¯re nice too, Honey! I wanted to see how much they were.¡±

    ¡°No, they¡¯re not.¡± My father retorted, annoyed by my mother¡¯s interest.

    ¡°What did they do to upset you?¡± I asked.

    ¡°It¡¯s not what they did.¡± She corrected. ¡°It¡¯s always packed and the people there are so rude. They take their shopping carts and bump into you without even watching where they¡¯re going.¡±

    It¡¯s the reason I hated Foodco¡ªit always seemed people grabbed their shopping carts and then ran amok inside. I had been hit by people who made you question how they even got a driver license if they couldn¡¯t maneuver a shopping cart properly. My mother never left the house anymore. She used to drive me all around town, and always wanted to be out and about. I now better understood her reason why¡ªthe world had turned mad and cold on her. People weren¡¯t as kind and courteous as they used to be. Everyone seemed to think they were entitled to whatever they wanted to do at any time they wanted to do it¡ªwithout a regard for anyone but their own self. They didn¡¯t play by any set of rules yet complained whenever their lack of consideration was returned. It had to be hard for my parents to understand how the times changed on them. To be thrusted into this new world, where people generally didn¡¯t care about others. The only people you could trust seemed to be the ones you¡¯ve grown up with.

    My mother at times could be unreasonable in her thought process. There were things that irritated her that I found to be non-irritating and she had a tendency to overreact. I couldn¡¯t judge her for it, I know I¡¯ve done the same before, but she could make mountains out of mole hills. Before she started to share this particular incident, I felt it would probably garner responses from me like ¡°if you would¡¯ve just¡± and ¡°why did you do that¡±.

    ¡°What did you do this time, mom?¡± I asked.

    ¡°Well, I was walking down this really wide aisle, and this big woman bumps right into my hip and my hand with her shopping cart.¡± She illustrated. ¡°We had just gotten back from my treatments and they had to give me a shot in my hip because they couldn¡¯t find a vein. I have arthritis in my hand so It hurt really bad. So, I waited for an apology but she didn¡¯t say a word. I then turned to the lady and told her to please watch where she was going. She then called me a ¡°fucking bitch¡±, and told me to watch where I was going. She then told me ¡°your hair looks horrible and ridiculous¡± and that she would bump into me again if I didn¡¯t watch my mouth.¡±

    Although I doubted my mother used the word ¡°please¡± with her request, the lady had to be aware the thing she was given the privilege to use at the store hurt if it hit you square in the bone¡ªespecially a sixty-year-old woman with arthritis undergoing chemo. In the lady¡¯s defense, my mother doesn¡¯t look sick at all, but she could¡¯ve said ¡°excuse me¡± or ¡°pardon me¡± or ¡°I¡¯m sorry.¡± In the past this kind of story would¡¯ve made me laugh, but with all I was going through personally, I didn¡¯t find any humor in it.

    ¡°Did you say anything to her, Dad?¡± I asked my father.

    ¡°I was on another aisle¡± he said. ¡°I wasn¡¯t around to hear what was said.¡±

    ¡°Your father didn¡¯t want to ask for help looking for ice cream¡ªI then left him behind to track someone down, but I ran into the ice cream section and got sidetracked.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m glad I wasn¡¯t there.¡± I said, putting the pizza slice back on my plate. ¡°I would¡¯ve said something.¡±

    ¡°Oh, honey, she was an overweight miserable person¡ªnot even worth the breath.¡± She countered. ¡°She didn¡¯t know what I was goin¡¯ through¡ªshe was probably havin¡¯ a bad day herself.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m sick and tired of people being so inconsiderate of others.¡± I retorted.

    ¡°It¡¯s better to let God handle things like that¡ªshe¡¯s not goin¡¯ to change anyway no matter what you, I or anyone else would¡¯ve told her.¡± she said. ¡°I want to leave this world in a better place. It doesn¡¯t matter.¡±

    This was a first for me¡ªa story my mother shared that I took her side on. I wanted this woman to know about my mother¡¯s pain and struggle. How what she said about someone¡¯s hair looking ¡°horrible¡± and ¡°ridiculous¡± after they lost it fighting a disease was absolutely disgusting. My mother was right though¡ªthis woman wouldn¡¯t have cared either way. She didn¡¯t even apologize when she bumped into her. My anger with God and my mother¡¯s love for Him is why I saw things differently. How could God give my mother Cancer while this selfish careless woman, who could care less about her own health was given His favor? Why did God play favorites with the one who clearly didn¡¯t believe in Him? This was the reason why I rebelled against God¡ªthe reason behind my agnosticism. Not just for my past bad luck with love, but for the disparity that existed between my mother and people like this woman. It came to the point, I distrusted people so much, I highly doubted this woman would have shown any compassion if she actually knew the reason my mother was self-conscious of her wig. A disease stole a symbol of my mother¡¯s beauty, and this woman rubbed it in.

    ¡°If you say so.¡± I said. ¡°but I find it hard to believe this didn¡¯t make you really angry.¡±

    ¡°Oh, believe me I was angry, Honey.¡± she said as she raised her tiny fist at me. ¡°I could¡¯ve inflicted some damage.¡±

    I then flashbacked to those times my mom hit me¡ªwhen I used to pop off when I was younger. How she would hit me as hard as she could in my shoulder and how I couldn¡¯t help but laugh.

    ¡°You sure about that, Mom?¡±

    ¡°Well, she was a pretty big woman. She could¡¯ve sat on me and I¡¯d turn blue.¡±

    My parents and I laughed at the visual, and even though my mother was feisty, she knew her limitations. She then looked at her plate¡ªdefeated.

    ¡°It burns too much to finish this slice.¡± she said as she waved her hands in front of her mouth. ¡°I¡¯ll try again later.¡±

    ¡°Did you want me to go get you something else?¡± My Father asked.

    ¡°No, I¡¯m fine.¡± she reiterated, standing up. ¡°I had a late lunch.¡±

    ¡°I can grab you two tacos if you want?¡± I asked.

    ¡°No, Landy Joe. I¡¯m okay.¡±

    ¡°Well, if you get hungry later, I¡¯ll pick them up for you before I go home.¡±

    ¡°Thank you¡ªI should be fine though.¡± She answered as she started to walk away from the table. ¡°Do you think my wig looks horrible and ridiculous on me? Do you think that¡¯s what most people think? Should I just wear a beanie or turban instead?¡±

    ¡°I think the wig you picked looks pretty close to your original hair.¡± I said.

    ¡°Stop it, Suzanne.¡± Responded my father. ¡°Your wig looks fine.¡±

    ¡°That lady was just trying to get under your skin, Mom.¡± I reminded her. ¡°She has the mentality of a second grader. You called her out on her rudeness and just like a second grader would, she threw a temper tantrum.¡±

    ¡°I think your wig looks pretty, mom.¡± My father said as he stood up from the table and planted a kiss on the top of her bare head.

    As kids we see our parents as unbreakable people, then one day, we learn they¡¯re just like us. It seemed my mother lost so much already in life¡ªher mother and father, her best friend, the teeth in the top front row of her mouth, a breast, her hair, and now her sense of beauty. I hadn¡¯t come close to losing anyone of those things yet when she seemed to lose her sense of worth, even with God in her heart, it broke mine. I then thought of Anya and wondered if her husband would ever plant a kiss on her bald head if she lost all her hair. If Jackson would have been half as supportive of Anya if she experienced what my Mother did. My father never cheated on my mother however and that¡¯s when I knew Jackson would only put on a show for their kids if Anya had Cancer. Jackson would only play politics and treat her just well enough so people would see him as a supportive caring husband¡ªthe only way he knew how to love was through his popularity. As much as I felt betrayed at times, it also wrecked my heart to think Anya would surely betray herself, and possibly her health, if she stayed with Jackson. That her decision to stay for her kids and got sick, could even jeopardize enjoying her grandchildren one day and other great moments in the lives of her children. That if she stayed and got sick, she would never be loved the way she needed to be loved. That if she stayed and fell ill, her husband would only immerse himself in work¡ªnot into her pain and fight. I wanted Anya to have everything she deserved in life and to live long enough to watch not only her children grow, but their children as well. I fought with her on this because I knew she possessed the two things cancer thrived off of¡ªunhappiness and stress. True love kissed her bald head as easily as her lips¡ªmy love for her. When I fought for Anya, or those times I fought with her¡ªI fought back the heartache of my mother¡¯s cancer too. At times I found it difficult to communicate the anger I felt about my mother¡¯s cancer and the fear of Anya getting stricken with Cancer one day made this inferno I felt inside even hotter. I¡¯m sure my words were lost in translation at times, why she thought I had anger inside of me, but my mother¡¯s illness was why my words were strong. I would pull out all stops, every single one I had, to make her see how much I loved her, how much I feared to lose her, and how much she meant to me. I wanted to make her see past the present¡ªto a time when she would really need love in her life, because her kids weren¡¯t going to be at home with her forever. I hoped she understood all I fought for her to have and the passion behind my words¡ªthat I believed she risked breaking the hearts of her kids one day even if she stayed too.

    My father had to go into work at the park, but I stayed with my mother long enough to watch the Lakers claim their 15<sup>th</sup> NBA Championship on the television in her bedroom. When the final second ticked away, my mother jumped off her bed while I clapped then high fived her.

    ¡°Yeah!!!!¡± she yelled as she crashed into me as we hugged each other. ¡°Kobe!!!¡±

    ¡°Kobe?¡± I said. ¡°He missed like thirteen shots!¡±

    ¡°Lamar!!!¡± she exclaimed. ¡°He¡¯s my favorite, you know!¡±

    ¡°He¡¯s only your favorite because of Khloe!¡± I teased.

    ¡°Khloe!!!¡±

    ¡°Mom! She¡¯s not even on the team!¡± I reminded her. ¡°What about Fisher? What about Gasol?¡±

    ¡°I guess, they¡¯re okay.¡±

    ¡°Without Fisher we wouldn¡¯t have won it all!¡±

    ¡°Shannon Brown!!!¡± she exclaimed.

    ¡°Shannon Brown? Why?¡± I asked.

    ¡°He¡¯s so cute!!! If I was single, I¡¯d marry him!¡±

    ¡°Tooo much info. Way too much info¡± I said, shaking my head.

    ¡°All this excitement makes me want to go pee.¡± She exclaimed before leaving her room to relieve herself.

    As I waited for my mother to return, I noticed my cell phone¡¯s red message indicator light was on.

    ANYA: ¡°Wow! Go Lakers! Ur mom must be happy!¡±

    ME: ¡°Go Lakers! Like you wouldn¡¯t believe! Miss you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Miss you too.¡±

    After I texted Anya, I sought out another reason for my visit¡ªmy mother¡¯s Vicodin container so I could restock. I had taken all of the twenty-five pills over the last two weeks, but the dull orange bottle was not in its usual spots. Just as I closed her dresser drawer, she reentered her room.

    ¡°A-ha! Gotcha!¡± she announced in a sinister tone.

    ¡°I was just looking for a couple.¡± I said. ¡°My back¡¯s been really botherin¡¯ me.¡±

    ¡°It doesn¡¯t look like your back is bothering you at all.¡± She told me.

    ¡°All because I¡¯m not walking sideways doesn¡¯t mean my back doesn¡¯t hurt.¡± I informed her. ¡°Where¡¯d you put the bottle?¡±

    ¡°Can¡¯t find it?¡± She mocked.

    ¡°Nope¡ªthat¡¯s why I¡¯m askin¡¯ you where it is.¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s because I hid it.¡±

    ¡°You what?¡±

    ¡°What part of ¡°I hid them¡± did you not understand?¡± She struck back.

    ¡°Why would you do that?¡± I

    ¡°Because you took a lot without asking me.¡± she said. ¡°At least twenty pills.¡±

    ¡°Are you sure I did?¡± I told her. ¡°You might have taken them yourself.¡±

    ¡°I told you I don¡¯t take really take them¡ªthey don¡¯t help me much anymore. I get them filled just in case.¡±

    ¡°How do you know I took twenty pills?¡±

    ¡°Uh because it was a full bottle and it looks like a third of it was missing. Duh?¡± she said. ¡°Now it looks like I have to hide it from you because you¡¯re addicted.¡±

    ¡°Addicted?!¡± I laughed. ¡°That¡¯s ridiculous! I¡¯m not addicted.¡±

    ¡°Why¡¯d you take so much then?¡± She demanded.

    ¡°I pulled my back out at the gym really bad. When I came by you weren¡¯t home. I didn¡¯t know what time you were comin¡¯ home.¡±

    ¡°Why didn¡¯t you tell me how many you took?¡±

    ¡°I didn¡¯t think you¡¯d care since you told me you don¡¯t really need them.¡± I replied.

    ¡°When you take that many, I do care.¡± she said. ¡°They¡¯re no joke, Landy¡ªyou can die if you take too much. You can build such a high tolerance for them that over time you can overdose without realizin¡¯ because takin¡¯ five feels the same as taking one and then you lose count.¡±

    ¡°Do you think I want to die, Mom? My life isn¡¯t perfect but I¡¯m the happiest I¡¯ve ever been¡ªI just hurt my back really bad.¡±

    ¡°Why don¡¯t you go see a doctor and have them prescribed to you?¡± She reasoned.

    ¡°I don¡¯t have time¡ªI can¡¯t afford to miss any work right now.¡± I told her. ¡°They just laid off a few employees because of the economy.¡±

    ¡°They did?¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s why I was out in Hesperia the last two weeks.¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s awful, Honey. Are you afraid you¡¯re gonna lose your job?¡± She inquired; a look of deep concern formed on her face.

    ¡°Not at all. They are promoting me to partner in less than two months now and even announced it to the entire firm. They do a really good job of resource planning. I¡¯ve been with them too long¡ªthey wouldn¡¯t do that to me. Without me they would¡¯ve never gotten CPG.¡±

    ¡°What¡¯s a CPG?¡± She asked. ¡°You got them a new car?¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s MPG, Mom.¡± I corrected her. ¡°It¡¯s the firm¡¯s largest client¡ªthe reason why they¡¯ve grown so much. I¡¯m too valuable for them to lose¡ªlike Kobe.¡±

    ¡°But you told me Kobe didn¡¯t do anything tonight.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m sorry, I¡¯m their Lamar.¡± I corrected.

    ¡°You¡¯re just like Khloe then.¡±

    ¡°Nevermind.¡± I told her as I needed a Vicodin just to continue this conversation.

    ¡°Are you sure, Landy?¡±

    ¡°Sure? Sure of what?¡±

    ¡°That you won¡¯t lose you job?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m positive.¡±

    ¡°I can give you a few pills.¡±

    ¡°Can I get five, please?¡± I asked.

    ¡°Five? What happened to the twenty-five?¡± She asked with incredulity in her voice.

    ¡°I still have five left over from the twenty I took.¡± I lied. ¡°I just need five more and I should be okay. I won¡¯t bug you again for them¡ªat least for a while.¡±

    ¡°Okay¡ªturn your back.¡± She directed.

    ¡°Turn my back?¡± I snapped. ¡°Why?¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t want you to know where I hid them.¡±

    ¡°You know me better than this. I¡¯m not addicted¡ªI refuse to turn around!¡±

    ¡°Well then I refuse to give you any!¡± She snapped back.

    When I realized she held the upper hand, I turned around and made a mental note¡ªlike a person who lived in the same house all their life who just went blind.

    ¡°Wow. After all these years.¡± she muttered.

    ¡°After all these years?¡± I shook my head unable to understand the meaning behind her words.

    ¡°That¡¯s all it took to get you to finally listen to me and do what I want you to do.¡± she said as she stuffed a pill laden Kleenex in my jeans pocket. ¡°That¡¯s it, Landy¡ªI can¡¯t get this refilled for another sixty days. If your back is bothering you that much¡ªyou need to see a doctor and get the pills that way.¡±

    ¡°Thanks, Mom.¡± I said as I hugged her. ¡°I think my back will be back to normal now. Get it? My back will be back to normal? Clever, huh?¡±

    ¡°Remember¡ªthat¡¯s all you¡¯re getting so don¡¯t come over here for them. You won¡¯t be able to find them either.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m not addicted, okay?¡± I reiterated again. ¡°I don¡¯t crave them at all¡ªI just needed it for my back and that¡¯s it.¡±

    The minute I got inside my car before I drove away, I opened up the bottle of water I picked up before I visited to wash down one of the five Vicodin she gave me. On the drive home under a vigilant moon and a healthy back, I wondered how I¡¯d ever get through the week with only four left. I just had a bad feeling about the week-- a real bad feeling.

 CHAPTER 7 ~ ATRIAL SUICIDE

    ¡°Once upon a time there was light in my life.

    But now there¡¯s only love in the dark.¡±

    ¡°Total Eclipse of the Heart¡± ~ Bonnie Tyler

    As my workload and stress level rose due to the firm¡¯s layoffs of staff and senior staff personnel, I felt as if the busy tax season restarted. The firm did not part with any of its upper level management employees, and would never layoff someone they were promoting to partner in less than two months. Although I felt secure professionally, I couldn¡¯t say the same personally¡ªrelying on Vicodin to help see me through my days. I didn¡¯t feel addicted to it, but I did have an affinity for it. After two weeks on it, I¡¯d have to make an adjustment with only three pills for the entire week. Mondays were especially brutal as I dreaded walking into the office to receive assignments, I not only didn¡¯t want to do but was overqualified for. I looked forward to my own bed and not one in places that would never make anyone¡¯s vacation hotspot list. The Vicodin got me through days with a smile on my face¡ªdays I would¡¯ve called in sick without them. There were a few times I could admit I needed them, but I didn¡¯t feel that way every time I took them. I knew the danger in them, and the risk it presented, but I always felt in control¡ªthe most important thing. I could probably sweet talk my mother into two or three pills¡ªhere and there from time to time, but I felt confident after I got through this week with only three, I wouldn¡¯t feel a desire to take twenty or more from her. I was very health conscious¡ªI ate well and worked out at least five days a week for the last five years. Even when I was out of town, I¡¯d head to a gym to get a work-out in if I had to. Since my rant about her ¡°house guest¡± though that caused her to pull away from me, I hadn¡¯t gone to the gym.

    Since it was a Monday, I didn¡¯t want to bother Anya. When I didn¡¯t hear from her for the entire day, I couldn¡¯t help but feel sad. It wasn¡¯t on her to say ¡°good morning¡± each day nor was it her duty to reach out to me. With her love in question, something I know she didn¡¯t appreciate, I felt I had to let her reach out to me¡ªto confirm why it should never be questioned. I believed she loved me, but the problem was she led me to believe she felt the same love I did. My love was without question, and she knew if she did question it, I¡¯d show her in a hurry how wrong she was¡ªbut I couldn¡¯t say the same for her. I felt her love began to fade away, and there were some things I did that caused that, but the kind of love she led me to believe she had would never fail to catch me¡ªyet it did. Her love changed because my love did too¡ªit became greater. Taken our time in San Diego, nothing held her love back yet when my love grew because of the love she showed me¡ªshe pulled herself away. I expected that from someone who didn¡¯t love me, and not from someone who did. After eighteen months, I found a hard time adjusting to her different way of loving me because it felt like she did with no plan to ever be with me, and it left me to feel betrayed. To put a legitimate face on it, and to rationalize what she did, I feared she called it love and it¡¯s why I subconsciously held back from sharing my deepest fantasies with her. I wanted to experience everything under the sun with her, but I suffered when she left me, and it seemed like she didn¡¯t at all¡ªshe had another outlet. When she was ¡°too busy¡± to text me, it didn¡¯t feel like love at all and so that¡¯s why I let her text me, not because I felt she should, but so I could gauge what her true feelings were. At the same time, my lifelong belief in true love and that I¡¯ve finally found it through Anya was hard to give up on. I couldn¡¯t accept she didn¡¯t truly love me¡ªit would be the end of my dream. I had to give her a chance to prove me wrong, and when I could finally disclose my promotion to partner with her that it would come through. In the meantime, the silence on the phone made it hard to ignore the questions that burned inside me.

    At five minutes past four that afternoon however, she broke her silence.

    ANYA: ¡°Just wanted to say hi.¡±

    Her sadness seemed to jump off my phone¡¯s screen¡ªa disappointment I hadn¡¯t reached out to her¡ªor maybe that¡¯s how I wanted to decipher it. I also knew the past four days were extremely busy for her with Katie¡¯s graduation and recital. It wouldn¡¯t be fair to question her love all because she was too exhausted or was trying to get back in her regular routine. Unfortunately, I had to take a Vicodin to get me through the silence and now only had two pills left.

    ME: ¡°Hi! Happy to hear from you! It¡¯s unanyalike to not hear from you at all! Are you through with both the recital and all of Katie¡¯s grad festivities now?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Unanyalike? I like that word! Yes both.¡±

    I demonstrated patience and gave her the time she needed to focus on Katie¡¯s graduation and recital. It also gave me time to sort out my head a little bit¡ªmostly the emotions I felt over the texts she sent me. I wanted to see if we could now get together to clarify the part of my texts that upset her. I wanted to understand her side of things and used the time away to get my emotions in check so I could attempt to, and to square away the things I said that inspired the respite between us. I knew this wasn¡¯t a good time to bring them up, so I didn¡¯t push it. Just before I shut down for the night, and after she probably shut off her phone, I sent her a text to see if we could get together to talk about what went wrong. She acknowledged my text early the next morning.

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m not ignoring your texts. Of course I miss u and love u. Of course I considered your point of view. Of course you put your heart on the line and so did I. Just don¡¯t want to keep pointing out the obvious.¡±

    If she considered my point of view and she stilled loved and missed me, it didn¡¯t seem necessary to revisit. I didn¡¯t want to upset her and I agreed¡ªwhy keep pointing out the obvious? If she put her heart on the line, the same way I did, then I wanted to make this better for her. I apologized for my misinterpretation of her house guest¡ªthat was solely on me. If she was fine with what we texted each other, and she found it in her heart to forgive me then I could find it in mine to do the same. All I wanted to know now was what I texted that upset her. When she hurt me¡ªI hurt alone. When I hurt her¡ªshe hurt around others, and I wanted to make sure I didn¡¯t do that to her again. If I didn¡¯t know what it was specifically that upset her¡ªit could happen again.

    ME: ¡°Well I think I¡¯m going to take another week off. I was going to take a leave of absence but they laid off some of the audit staff because of the economy. I can¡¯t take a large amount of time off right now. The firm needs me.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°If you had any two places to go on your vacation, which two places would you choose?¡±

    When she asked me this question, I wanted to tell her Seattle and Paris, France¡ªonly because I wanted to go to those places with her. I feared if I told her that though, she would think I wanted to go without her. Lost without her¡ªI didn¡¯t want to mention any place that brought me any further away from her I that already felt.

    ME: ¡°My first choice is obvious; my second choice would be to stay home. Would love to spend some time with you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Home? Out of all the places u could visit you¡¯d rather be home? Katie is very sick right now. I¡¯m going to wait a couple of days and see how she does.¡±

    When she replied ¡°home?¡±, it bummed me out because I hoped to hear something consistent with her missing and love. When she mentioned Katie was sick only after what I wrote, it brought me back to the time when nothing stopped her from seeing me¡ªwhen fear never existed in the same heart. As disappointed as I was by her response, I couldn¡¯t take it personally. It was a very thoughtful thing to ask me and Katie¡¯s health was paramount.

    ME: ¡°Oh no, I¡¯m very sorry to hear she¡¯s sick. I guess she¡¯s had a lot on her plate. I hope she gets well soon. Ok. Sounds good.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I asked Katie what she wanted for her grad gift thinking new Ipod or camera or something. Boy was I off! She wants an Imac! She¡¯s even asking for a 24¡± screen! No way!¡±

    When Anya revealed what Katie wanted for her graduation gift, I felt a spark inside me¡ªI missed hearing about her kids and that part of Anya too. When she shared this news with me, it also left me a bit disheartened¡ªthat the man who knew her better than any other man couldn¡¯t even buy her a gift.

    ME: ¡°OMG! I wish I could buy it for her. I would if I could. The ¡°24¡± inch screen is no big deal¡ªI¡¯m sure she would use it for school and put it to good use.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Awww very sweet of you.¡±

    It didn¡¯t surprise me to hear Katie was very sick. She graduated from middle school, had a grad party, went to Cabo, and then had a three-day recital and party¡ªall in a seven-day span. What was more astonishing was that Anya didn¡¯t get sick at all¡ªa miracle in its own right. I felt Katie deserved an Imac, and the twenty-four-inch screen too. She worked extremely hard, did well in school and should be rewarded for it. When Anya said ¡°no way¡± to the 24-inch screen, I was proud of Anya for being a good parent¡ªto not give in to what Katie wanted even though she deserved it. I wanted to buy it for Katie but within Anya¡¯s shadow, but I didn¡¯t want to put Anya in another deceptive spot. I couldn¡¯t help but wish I knew Katie so I could get her a grad gift. I also knew though, as much as Anya denied it in her text, Katie would get an IMAC with a 24-inch screen simply because ¡°what is a mother to do¡±?

    Katie deserved everything she worked for and it was important she received positive reinforcement for her effort but I then realized I forgot a missing part of this¡ªwasn¡¯t the trip to Cabo her graduation gift? When I realized this, it stung for the simple reason I had no idea what Anya put me up against when we first met. She told me there was a lion in this den, but not a pride of them. I didn¡¯t know what to think. One part of me, wanted to love and hold her for what compelled her to allow me into her life¡ªit¡¯s the part of me I wanted to believe in. The other part of me had never felt more betrayed¡ªI didn¡¯t know what way to feel. Anya knew everything I faced the night she approached me at Sonomas yet in her mind the fact I knew she was ¡°married¡± also represented a disclosure of all these things¡ªlike all things inherent in the sun. Anya and her ¡°family¡± lived a life different from most¡ªa business, close knit neighbors and even political aspirations that forced the family to hold on. Without my knowledge, by loving Anya, an emotionally abused woman who was cheated on by the man who claimed to honor her, also meant I didn¡¯t love her kids¡ªall because I wanted to be with the one, I loved. The longer Anya told me ¡°I don¡¯t know¡±, the more I believed she always did¡ªher politics in play, and not her love. I felt I became a victim to her idea of politics and that somehow love was tied to its tactics. If Anya needed to hide the details of her marriage so I could save her then I didn¡¯t feel betrayed by that or all¡ªnor a victim of her politics. If I didn¡¯t need to know because we would soon be together then I could understand when she told me she couldn¡¯t help it. I didn¡¯t want her to help it¡ªI wanted to save her so she would never feel that way again. After eighteen months had passed, and she still didn¡¯t know after all we shared, then it left me to feel she hid those things from me to bait, manipulate and then control me. Lance had to have felt what I now did on a certain level¡ªI just trusted her more than he did and that she knew what love was. It almost felt like she loved me so deeply to substantially weaken me so she could have a reason to break it off¡ªwhy I felt she minimized my feelings for her. When I considered her history with other men¡ªone who ¡°stalked¡± her, one she broke off her engagement to when Jackson reappeared in her life who moved to another state, and then Lance¡ªI worried I would lose everything. When I considered who she married and stayed with for his money and all she told me so I would date her¡ªI felt sick to my stomach. As much as these concerns wreaked havoc on my mind, it was something I wasn¡¯t willing to accept as fact, if ever. I still considered them theories, spurned by a broken mind¡ªwhat I wanted to believe was untrue because I knew what it meant for me if it wasn¡¯t. The more Anya gave to her kids without ever saying ¡°no¡±, the more I feared her love betrayed me. Through the madness brought on by her non-disclosure when we first met¡ªI tried to be trusting, loving and understanding. All it seemed to do was give her another reason to tell me ¡°I don¡¯t know¡±¡ªthe exact opposite of what I tried to achieve. It seemed that no matter what I did, no matter how much I cared for her, no matter how much I loved her, it never mattered¡ªher mind was made up two years ago after Lance left her.

    When a new day arrived and I yet hadn¡¯t heard from her, I sent her a text when I got home from work to see how Katie was feeling.

    ME: ¡°Just thinking of u. How is Katie feeling? Is she able to eat anything?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°She¡¯s feeling a little better. I make this soup w/Maitake mushrooms, kale, and miso. It is the highest form of immune defense. My kids would rather catch swine flu before having my soup.¡±

    ME: ¡°Ha ha! Really? It¡¯s miso soup just minus the tofu. I love miso soup!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Not your typical miso soup though. I just discovered the power of the combination about a year ago.¡±

    ME: ¡°Oh, I see! Very cool! Oh well, I¡¯m not having any miso soup tonight but I am having me some Cherry Garcia right now!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ahhhhhh I love Cherry Garcia! The bomb!¡±

    When Anya mentioned she loved Cherry Garcia, I remembered when she told me she ate ice cream in bed while she watched movies¡ªall she did was give me another reason to want to be with her.

    ME: ¡°How¡¯s Andrew doing?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°He¡¯s still playing city tournament but I just found out he made All Stars today. That will start at the end of June. Oh boy!¡±

    ME: ¡°Happy for him! Oh boy Lucky you! You might have to change your address to where those batting cages are. At least it¡¯s starting to get warmer.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ha! Exactly! He asked me to take him to the batting cages last nite after practice. So, I did. Know what he said? ¡°You¡¯ve only taken me a few times mom.¡±

    ME: ¡°Only a few times? More like a few hundred times!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°You know that meant war! I told the manager on him and know what he said? ¡°Andrew, your mom has been bringing you here since you were 5 years old siting in the cold!¡±

    ME: ¡°You didn¡¯t say anything to him?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Well the manager set him straight so it was sweet. Ha!¡±

    ME: ¡°I bet that quieted him down.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yea he didn¡¯t say a word but ¡°thank u.¡± Sweet.¡±

    I wasn¡¯t the most grateful kid when I was his age. Most kids who have good parents don¡¯t realize all they do for them. I¡¯m certain at times I acted no different than Andrew, but even at his age, I would never say my mother only took me to the cages a few times when she usually took me to the cages on a moment¡¯s notice like Anya did. I didn¡¯t think it was anything to get upset with Andrew about, but his response seemed to tell the tale. I also didn¡¯t understand why Anya feared her son so much¡ªwas it because he was a preemie? Why would she let his manager communicate this to him? Why would she put a parenting opportunity into his hands? She has sat in the cold at the cages since he was five and he told her she had only taken him a few times? My mother would¡¯ve told me ¡°Okay, then this is the last time I ever take you¡± and I¡¯d change my tune really quick. I didn¡¯t want to criticize her for the way she raised her children¡ªshe did a great job, but this was a reason why she broke her promise to me. She should¡¯ve told me her kids made decisions for her¡ªeven making the decision if we were together. I could¡¯ve given her my last drop of blood and she would still never know all I did from the minute I met her.

    Why was she so afraid to be a parent? Andrew told her she only took him to the cages a few times¡ªshe¡¯s been sitting in the cold at the cages since he was five yet let¡¯s his manager handle her¡± war¡±? Katie wanted a 24-inch Imac, and although Anya told me she told Katie ¡°no way¡±, I would put my last dollar that Katie would get it¡ªon top of the trip to Cabo. Katie wanted horses and boats¡ªshe got a horse ranch and a driver that drove her boat to wherever she wanted to go. Andrew wanted money wallpaper in his bedroom and even had enough money to invest¡ªshe made she he had it. When did her kids ever hear the word ¡°no¡±? I loved her and she was a fantastic mother, but I felt she treated her parenthood as a popularity contest. That she wanted her kids to talk about how cool their mother was to the other kids at school¡ªto be known as the cool mom and not the best parent. The worst thing about it was she neglected to tell me something very important¡ªshe needed Jackson¡¯s money to do it, another reason why she stayed. If Anya thought Katie had a ¡°big head¡±, it was because of the way she parented. She taught her being revered by others was more important than being humble¡ªhow people perceived who you are was more important than who you actually were. If Anya hadn¡¯t allowed or encouraged me to fall in love with her; to be in the position where I could lose my career, and even my life, I wouldn¡¯t have cared so much about this, but the way she chose to raise her children affected me. Each time she gave in to her kids and wanted to be known as the cool mom when she should have been more concerned about being the best parent¡ªit left me to feel betrayed each time she did. What she failed to tell me the night we decided to give it a try, was that she stood to lose her popularity and the perception she was a ¡°cool¡± mom if she left Jackson¡ªthings that apparently meant a lot more to her than I did.

    For the last eighteen months, I¡¯ve always respected Anya¡¯s need to be there for her kids. I had a few emotional breakdowns that required her to be there for me, but for the most part kept them tucked away from her consciousness. In particular, for the last three weeks, at a time I missed her greatly, I again put her needs in front of my own, and respected her time with the kids. I didn¡¯t want to distract her during Katie¡¯s graduation so she he could be there and really enjoy the moment with her. I hoped to learn she loved me more than I knew, and Anya kept in touch and allowed me to keep in touch with her. I seemed to learn after my proposed moratorium had passed, it was Jackson¡¯s wealth that kept her there¡ªnot for just herself but mainly for what he provided her children with. When Anya told me, Katie wanted an Imac for her graduation, I thought that was a fair grad gift, but when I remembered Anya told me the trip to Cabo was Katie¡¯s graduation gift it hit me. Anya was there for the sake of the kids because of what Jackson¡¯s wealth provided them¡ªas evidenced when Andrew told his mother she had only taken him to the cages a few times¡ªI now knew why they would hate Anya if she left. Why her son wanted his ¡°family¡± for his birthday¡ªbecause the money the marriage provided them. Jackson and Anya spoiled them with horses, boats and money to reward them for doing what they were told. This was a massive discovery for me about all I faced. She would never admit she knew all of this before she allowed and encouraged me to fall deeply in love with her. When Anya told me, her kids were good kids, I believed it¡ªthat remained true. Katie and Andrew were exceptional and were both well raised, but Anya and Jackson shielded them from something they couldn¡¯t protect them against¡ªa thing called life. She gave them everything they wanted¡ªnot to make them feel safe but to throw them off guard.

    I remained patient when she didn¡¯t want to get ¡°into it¡± three weeks ago, but I now wanted to know what I texted that upset her so much. I wanted to know how she could be so much stronger emotionally than I was¡ªif she felt the same love I did. I also wanted to know so I could work on not letting it hurt me and us¡ªto see if that was even possible. Her ¡°reservations¡± about my reactions to things she never disclosed when we first met was unfair. She failed to take any responsibility for hiding them from me and my emotional reactions only existed because she chose not to do so. If she couldn¡¯t help it and purposely omitted this information because she wanted me in her life, then she should make a promise to be with me. If she didn¡¯t have the courage to show her kids the truth about life after she took my heart, then how could I not feel betrayed?

    I sent Anya a text to let her know how empty I felt without her the last few weeks¡ªthat it felt like I was ¡°losing my life¡±. In the past, she would respond that she knew how I felt because she felt the same way. I felt her response would give me a good indication of where she stood.

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m sorry. What do you mean by losing ur life?¡±

    After I read her text, I feared the Anya I fell deeply for had all but vanished. If Anya felt pained when I questioned her love¡ªthis seemed to prove she couldn¡¯t relate to what I felt for her. I told Anya many times how much our love meant to me¡ªmy description of how I felt shouldn¡¯t have come at any surprise to her after all we shared and after all she ever told me. How could she ever ask me such a question knowing all we¡¯ve been through? Anya seemed to not understand love on the level I did, and that¡¯s fine, but she led me to believe she did and I trusted a wife who had been cheated on to know¡ªespecially one who was pregnant at the time. As her response left me nauseous, she then hit me with another text that made me feel disease stricken.

    ANYA: ¡°You know I feel responsible for taking two years of your life.¡±

    I didn¡¯t want her to feel responsible for that, but at the same time if she truly felt that way, then why was she fighting with me about anything? I didn¡¯t like either of her responses because it was exactly what I feared by giving her time away from me would happen¡ªnot an excuse to spend time with the kids but to find a way to leave me stranded. Her words sounded that she made the decision to stay, to choose Jackson over me, and now planned to fall out of love with me. I found appreciation in her acknowledgement¡ªshe was responsible for that, but again she minimized heartbreak because she not only took two years, but many more than that if she stayed. She didn¡¯t realize how long it would take me to get over her by loving me, period. I wasn¡¯t Greg Laswell, or Lance, or Michel Buble¡ªmen who sang and wrote love songs but had no idea what love truly was because they always had other options immediately available to them. According to Anya, I may have had extraordinary qualities, but they weren¡¯t extraordinary enough to leave a husband who cheated on her multiple times who she claimed she no longer loved. I had only one heart and one soul to give¡ªnever the divorcee, always the widower. If she planned to stay, she took my entire life with her, not just the two years she claimed to feel responsible for. If Anya had not hidden things from me about her life, all the parties, all the trips, the boats, the horse ranch, the money wallpaper, the lessons she taught her kids that money and things did lead to happiness, still sleeping with her husband¡ªall the things that would¡¯ve given me the chance to save myself, then I could understand her staying a lot better. For those to be hidden from me, damaged my life beyond repair. I knew heartbreak and vowed to never put myself in this position again. I would never give a married woman a chance, but I trusted her pain and all she did was inflict her pain upon me then turned me into a monster if I disagreed, not her husband. As upset as I was with her, I wanted to blame Jackson for it all¡ªthe man whose actions and inactions led her to me. I didn¡¯t want to believe she could play me for such a fool¡ªthat she loved and respected me too much to. I felt splintered, torn and broken in every single place like the remains of a tree after a tornado¡¯s swath. Her love put me in a hot and cold vortex that I didn¡¯t know what to believe. How could I hurt like this and she only felt responsible for taking two years of my life if she truly loved me? This was why I questioned her love and why I had the right to¡ªand the right to even feel betrayed. It eviscerated my manhood so much that I even felt like I had just been raped. If I couldn¡¯t tell the one who loved me, I felt I lost my life when I lost her, then who could I ever tell such a thing to? All I knew was if she had told me ¡°I felt like I was losing my life without you¡±, my love wouldn¡¯t feel guilty¡ªit would¡¯ve caught her.

    ME: ¡°I have always said that you were my life and everything to me. It just feels like I¡¯ve lost my life and sense of being. If this was a love I¡¯ve experienced before then I¡¯d probably not feel this way, but it¡¯s not. You even wrote to me that you felt you lost your life before in Katie¡¯s letter.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I wrote that cuz I was ending us for good (so I thought) and that was how I felt.¡±

    When I read ¡°that was how I felt¡±, it implied she didn¡¯t necessarily feel that way now¡ªsomething she wrote me just a little over three months ago. Why was I not allowed to feel that way? Because it inconvenienced her? Is true love an inconvenience?

    ME: ¡°If you love me, and you feel the same way I do, then you should understand how I could feel like I¡¯m losing my life. I just find it strange why you would ask me what I mean by that.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ok.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m still curious to know what I said that upset you so much. I¡¯m sure most of what I wrote did, but you told me you cried all day. Btw, I¡¯m not holding you responsible, however I do hold one person responsible.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I really don¡¯t want to get into it right now.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry. I didn¡¯t want you to feel you had to tell me right at this moment. Just when you¡¯re ready to. I understand it¡¯s hard. I hope you¡¯re having a good day.¡±

    If Anya wasn¡¯t ready to talk about it, I wouldn¡¯t push her to. If it upset her enough to cry all day, I definitely didn¡¯t want to bring her back there if she wasn¡¯t ready. As much as her responses bothered me, I didn¡¯t want to accuse her of anything. I did care that what I texted upset her so much that she cried all day about it. I guess a part of me would fight back the love I felt for that person a little bit too¡ªso they couldn¡¯t control me. I wanted to shift my disgust from Anya to Jackson. If I felt Anya betrayed me then I¡¯d never be able to save her from the real monster. I loved her too much anyway to see her in any other way. I could be mad at her. Hate her but at the end of the day she was the person I associated love with¡ªthe only person I¡¯ve ever felt it with. I had to give her the benefit of the doubt. I wanted to know what I texted so I could reflect upon it then not mention it ever again. If I even had to talk to a psychiatrist about it¡ªI would do it to avoid hurting her like that. My goal was to understand her, and never to hurt her, but the pain that splintered inside me was tough to ignore. I truly felt lifeless without her in my life¡ªa scary thought I sought protection from. Just when I thought our textversation had concluded, Anya sent me another text.

    ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s everything. The months of pressure when I kept asking to please stop. Months of getting upset with me. Months of feeling bad about hurting you took its toll.¡±

    I couldn¡¯t criticize Anya for her passive aggressive behavior because I¡¯d be a hypocrite. How could she feel months of pressure from the person she hoped, wished and dreamed to be with? How could she feel months of pressure from the person she claimed to love as much as air? How could she not expect me to be upset with her when I felt she did something entirely inconsistent with the love she claimed to have for me? Or maybe I wasn¡¯t listening to her but I had a simple solution for her to avoid the pressure, to avoid me from getting upset and everything else¡ªto not do anything that hurt the man she loved. Her solution to ¡°everything¡± was to obliterate my heart into pieces and let me go? At this point in our relationship, that would be the actions of someone who not only didn¡¯t love me but who wanted me to hurt. The actions of someone who just wanted to have fun in the bedroom. The actions of someone who used another for stress relief purposes. Why couldn¡¯t she just tell me ¡°Landyn, I don¡¯t love you¡± at this point? Why fight me on that? This wasn¡¯t a contest of who loved each other more. I wasn¡¯t Katie and Andrew¡ªI didn¡¯t need a mother¡¯s love, I had one.

    Anya first had to understand why the pressure existed in the first place and if she already knew she hurt me then I felt certain she also knew she caused the pressure. What did she expect from a man who loved her? Months of feeling bad about hurting me took such a toll, she decided to break up with me and create the greatest hurt of all? To just let her go after she again admitted, she took the last two years of my life? There was a reason why she did that¡ªJackson. If she wanted me to let her go then tell me ¡°I don¡¯t love you¡±¡ªand I¡¯ll walk. Although I questioned her love, and felt betrayed, I wasn¡¯t going to let her take my life away until I knew for certain. I had put too much of my time, my heart and my soul into loving her and she needed to show me the respect I deserved from her. As much as this was my mindset, I had to look past my reawakened low sense of self and broken heart, to what her mind was set on¡ªthe fear she would be found out by her kids. She didn¡¯t want to feel pressure because it exposed her as she tried to preserve her ¡°situation¡±, and not give her the time to change it. The problem was she had two years to change it but instead held onto it for dear life as she made a promise to the wrong person. She felt responsible for hurting me and for taking two years of my life yet she punished me for ¡°everything¡± I felt. It seemed I only hid my pain from her so she could continue to hurt me. What would her love had done if I told her I wanted to be with her and I then turned around a day later and promised my kids I¡¯d stay with another woman? How could she ever be upset at me for questioning her love when she seemed to contradict it every day? Did she understand that she treated me even worse than when her husband cheated on her? Why did she make it seem I was the monster here? All she had to do was make a promise to be with the man she hoped, wished and dreamed to be with. Why was I the villain for holding her to things she told me? I wasn¡¯t using her words against her¡ªI was holding her to her words. The things she told me allowed me to drop my guard six feet into the ground. For a woman who just claimed she felt responsible for taking two years of my life, why did she make me feel I was the one who did her wrong?

    ME: ¡°Do you feel I¡¯ve been unfair to you?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°No¡±

    When she didn¡¯t add a period at the end of her ¡°no¡±, I feared my question prompted her to be emotional. How could she ever feel I was unfair to her after I put so much trust in her? I didn¡¯t think it would make her emotional, but it was a fair question to ask. Also, Anya told me it was something in my texts that made her cry and I still wanted to know what that was.

    ME: ¡°I already knew that you made the decision to love me differently because of everything over the last few months but I was curious about what I said in my last set of texts three weeks ago, specifically, that really hurt you. You don¡¯t have to tell me if you don¡¯t want to.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°It wasn¡¯t just those few texts. It was just the final straw¡­¡±

    ME: ¡°When you say the ¡°final straw¡± it sounds to me like I¡¯ve done you wrong in some way, hence being unfair to you. The ¡°final straw¡± makes it seem like I cheated on you or something, when all I¡¯ve done is do everything you¡¯ve ever asked me to do. I think I¡¯m the last person who should ever receive a ¡°final straw¡± verdict from you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°See that¡¯s just it. I feel like I can¡¯t b/c you would get mad at me for what I say. So, I just shut up in the fear of upsetting you or hurting you. It¡¯s a learned behavior.¡±

    ME: ¡°If you feel that way then what¡¯s your incentive to tell me the truth about anything? You¡¯re entitled to feel how you do, and I¡¯m not minimizing it, but after you¡¯ve loved me with your heart and soul, so much so, that it allowed me to want to be with you isn¡¯t fair to me at all. It¡¯s also hard for me to see the one I love, who I believed is a good person, sacrifice her character b/c she is with someone who makes her feel guilty about just wanting to be happy. You must have forgotten I love you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I haven¡¯t forgotten. ¡°Final straw¡± means I couldn¡¯t listen to how much I hurt you anymore. I was responsible for your anger and hurt. Wanted it to stop.¡±

    After I read Anya¡¯s text, I understood better what she meant by ¡°final straw¡±. It wasn¡¯t because she didn¡¯t want to be with me¡ªshe just wanted my pain to stop so she could be. It felt like she was her way at getting back at me for making her feel bad. Did she expect me to lie? Is that what Jackson did? Lie about the way he felt? Well, I knew how that ended up all. I did see her point¡ªwho would want to be with someone who made them feel shitty about themselves? I had to take responsibility for the last time she visited and all I accused her of after she made the identity of her ¡°house guest¡± known. Although there were some negative feelings that lingered, I had to put the blame on myself and try harder to not let the things she did hurt me. Otherwise, how else could we go on? I didn¡¯t want to continue this as much as Anya did if nothing changed. This only made me despise Jackson even more. I didn¡¯t want to go to war with the person I love¡ªit would be what Jackson wanted. The reason why he let this go on¡ªhe knew one of us would eventually break. My anger resided in what Anya purposely hid from me about her marriage when we first met¡ªthe same things that drove Lance to leave her. How could she think any single or unmarried person, would be fine with only a piece of her with all the hecticness that consumed her life? How could she think anyone would want to fall in love with someone they couldn¡¯t have? What made her think someone would want to fall in love with someone they would have to share with another man? Those simple questions she had five months in between the time we first met, before she told me ¡°I broke her heart¡±, she never respected my heart enough to consider? She knew she had kids the night she approached me at Sonomas so did she make me aware of the sacrifice mothers made only after I fell deeply in love with her? If she made me a promise¡ªI could understand this better, but without it I felt she only loved me to betray me. To set me up for the pain only her husband deserved, and that alone was maddening. Only married people were okay with this kind of relationship not working out because they still had something to fall back on. It even felt like Jackson never wronged her a day in his life and she penalized me for his infidelities as if I were the one who dishonored her. This feeling of possible betrayal I felt was powerful enough for me to confront Jackson about it. Even though I felt better after Anya explained the meaning behind ¡°final straw¡±, I had to pay attention to the terms of her endearment.

    Later that evening, I texted Anya to see if Katie got the graduation gift she wanted.

    ANYA: ¡°Yes. They both got the 24¡± Imacs. Macs r really cool! You should go check them out for the heck of it. Really mind blowing.¡±

    ME: ¡°I think they both deserved them. It¡¯s a good investment into their futures. I¡¯ll have to check them out.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yes. I know I¡¯m weak.¡±

    I felt the computers would help them in school and were important for them to have in today¡¯s day and age. It¡¯s one of those things I thought she should have said ¡°yes¡± to¡ªeven with the ¡°24¡± inch screen. I also thought it was really cool that Andrew got one as well¡ªit made it seem Cabo was Katie¡¯s graduation gift. Anya tried to compensate for their troubled minds in the marriage with things that took their minds off of it. Although it didn¡¯t bode well for my heart, I couldn¡¯t blame her for it. I wanted her kids to adore her, but at the same time I didn¡¯t want Anya to defraud them¡ªto paint a blue-sky picture when there was a lot of gray in it. It only bothered me for one reason, and one reason only¡ªAnya should have told me about what I faced¡ªthat her kids got everything they wanted and without Jackson it wouldn¡¯t be possible. She wanted me to understand what she faced yet never gave me the chance to understand what I faced¡ªthat was the only unfairness that existed between us. It was also the reason the kids loved and adored Jackson¡ªhe had the money to always get them everything they wanted. When Katie wanted a horse¡ªshe got a horse ranch at a time she didn¡¯t even know what a horse was. It sure would¡¯ve been nice to know that¡¯s what I faced. That Jackson could¡¯ve dishonored her every single day of his life, but as long as he gave Katie and Andrew the things they needed and wanted¡ªlove never mattered to Anya. She didn¡¯t need it at all¡ªI was the one who did, and I gave it to someone who was married nonetheless and still didn¡¯t know what love was. Anya may have loved me, but she completely misled me about who she really was. She allowed me to fall in love with a figment of her imaginary self. How else could I explain why she felt so responsible that she now planned to leave me with enough deep feelings and emotions to destroy me¡ªan act of betrayal on a level I could¡¯ve never believed possible. Anya¡¯s love led me to appreciate Denise¡¯s brutal honesty¡ªI respected her now for never telling me she loved me and when she ran off with another man. At least she never allowed or encouraged me to fall in love her so when she left, as much as it hurt me, I had no grounds to fight for her. I hated to feel this way but the woman who loved me better and more than anyone else in my life was the one who hurt and betrayed me the most¡ªthe most gut-wrenching paradox ever. I held Anya to a much higher standard, and for her to do this to me, to learn after I fell in love with her that she wasn¡¯t ambivalent to her marriage, was more than willing to accept it, and not the broken hearted victim she led me to believe the night we reconnected, my feelings were similar to those a rape victim felt. I could see why some rape victims never come forward¡ªthey feel ashamed because how ridiculous would that sound from a man¡¯s perspective? I never agreed to this though. I never agreed to pursue a relationship with her after all she decided to hide from me if she planned to never make a promise to leave, or worse yet, needing the permission of her children. More than anything, I didn¡¯t want to be right about the way I felt¡ªmy life would end, but I struggled to feel differently until she proved me wrong.

    I felt all over the place¡ªpulled into a vortex of sadness, anger, and fear. I didn¡¯t even know how to feel anymore¡ªa part of me suspended in belief and disbelief. She tried to sell me on her love but I couldn¡¯t feel it anymore, I could only read it electronically. It felt as if this was all by design to give her a valid reason to leave me. Her love infected me badly and the only cure was more infection. The only thing that kept our love alive seemed to be the love I had for her¡ªa heart that believed she could never do this to the man who didn¡¯t bring her into this relationship. My mind told me the opposite¡ªthat this woman was not only fully capable of betraying me but also of conspiring against me. It¡¯s what fueled the anger inside me not because I couldn¡¯t accept one¡¯s disposition for me, but because I walked away from this. It was my compassion that gave us our love. I felt bamboozled to believe that she only felt compassion for me because she felt guilty. After taking two years of my life, I wasn¡¯t understanding nor compassionate of her guilt¡ªshe knew from day one all I learned eighteen months later. She made the decision to hide those things from me. Her power move born out of her husband¡¯s lust for power is what burned me inside¡ªas if she had the right to my feelings. She told me I broke her heart and I trusted her words everyday for the last eighteen months, and trusted she would never break mine in return. When the possibility existed, she did just that, it brought out an anguish in me I thought only the insane could feel. I didn¡¯t know what to think or what to do. Her words, her mixed feelings and inconsistencies made it hard for me to feel the compassion for her I wanted desperately to feel because I knew it was the only thing that could save our love. So I did the only thing I could do¡ªhold on for dear life and hope the Anya I trusted in would show me the compassion we both needed. The one that understood why I could feel this way and stop the behavior that contributed to it¡ªto end the lies, to reward the people who believed love wasn¡¯t irrational or unrealistic, and make the promise we both deserved

    The next day when I arrived at the office, I was again asked to drive out to Hesperia for one more day to wrap up the engagement partner¡¯s review comments that required additional audit testwork. I usually smiled with all assignments given to me, but I found it hard to as my life unraveled before me. Not only was I stressed out as badly as I had been during busy season, but Anya seemed to blame me for the turmoil in her life. I trusted in her unhappiness so much that I was now in a situation where I could only be harmed, and it was hard to feel the love and compassion in that at all. I also struggled with after all we shared, she relegated me to ¡°friend¡± status because I broke down emotionally. Yes, I made a mistake and she had the right to pull back a bit but she had to know better¡ªshe had to know better. How could we ever just be friends after all we¡¯ve shared? I¡¯d always want more and could never understand that arrangement after I walked away before we reconnected five months later. When I hadn¡¯t heard from her for my entire workday, combined with my unexpected trip to Hesperia, I burned inside burdened by an unhappiness all my own¡ªall because I cared more about the happiness of someone else.

    As my day in Hesperia came to a close and I headed back on the long and lonely drive home, I noticed the red light on my phone come alive. When traffic came to a halt, I picked up my phone to see a text from Anya.

    ANYA: ¡°How r u?¡±

    It took me over an hour to gather the strength to not respond with a ¡°do you really care?¡±. I even contemplated not texting her back until she fell asleep, but when I got home I had a change of heart.

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m ok. I had to drive out to Hesperia today but it¡¯s my last time. I¡¯m home now. No more Hesperia. How r u?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Oh great! You¡¯re done! Welcome home! I¡¯m ok. Have a house full of loud boys.¡±

    I always underestimated the power of an Anya text¡ªit quieted the thundering tornado in my head. Just a little over an hour ago, I was really upset with her, but now it was if I didn¡¯t have one negative thought. This was why I had to sit on things before I responded¡ªit allowed me time to come to my senses. At times, the stress of work exacerbated how I felt about our relationship. Anya was my Vicodin, my bed, the sun on a day off in the summer, my vacation and sick days, and the air I breathed. Without her, I could find no joy on earth. I didn¡¯t have kids nor did I have the money to do things to take my mind off the pain. Anya had the tools at her disposal to recover from heartbreak that I didn¡¯t and I didn¡¯t feel that was fair after she led me to believe she was unhappy, even miserable after I broke her heart. She couldn¡¯t go around in life telling men nothing was impossible then turn around the next few months and tell them mothers make sacrifices for their kids. How could she call herself a trustworthy person if she reserved the right to change her mind without a care or consideration for anyone but herself? I didn¡¯t like that part of Anya¡ªa side that said ¡°fuck everyone outside of my family, it¡¯s all about me¡±. Again, I jumped back and forth from being extremely upset with her to loving her to death¡ªI lost my mind almost constantly if I allowed one negative thought to enter like a wrecking ball. Her mere presence, even just through a text, had an enormous effect on me at times that maybe she understood how I could feel and react the way I do and did. Her text showed me she still cared and it changed my mood and outlook substantially. On a day of barren hopelessness, it filled me with life again.

    ME: ¡°The Controller thanked me for helping him out with an issue he was having with his accounting software although I didn¡¯t go out there for that! What r u up to?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Good job! You¡¯re the best! You should be proud! Just leaving the house to run errands. I put Katie in charge but the boys are taller than her. Hope they listen!¡±

    ME: ¡°Thanks! Ok! Oh, they better!¡±

    On a Friday night, it seemed rather strange that Anya went out to run ¡°errands¡±. It just seemed really bizarre to me, and even more strange she left her daughter to watch the boys at the house. I didn¡¯t know if Katie was at the age where she could watch the house, but she definitely had the maturity to handle such a task. As Anya ran out on an ¡°errand¡±, it brought me back to the time when Jackson hawked her and she had to see me. Now, that option never seemed to be on her radar anymore. When I found this to be bizarre, I then focused on what she texted me the other day.

    ¡°See that¡¯s just it. I feel like I can¡¯t b/c you would get mad at me for what I say. So, I just shut up in the fear of upsetting you or hurting you. It¡¯s a learned behavior.¡±

    When I went back to my phone to read this text¡ªI couldn¡¯t get it off my mind. Instead of stopping the behavior that would upset or hurt the man she claimed to love¡ªshe blamed him for the learned behavior when he called her out on it. It brought me right back to the article I read and the advice given to me as its reader¡ªthey will eventually blame you for the turmoil in their life. It made me sick to my stomach to think she would lie to me to serve herself. I tried to see the love in it. That she didn¡¯t want to lose me if she told me and I hung onto that feeling and tried to go to bed on it. While on my quest for peace of mind, I began to toss and turn when I realized there was something unique about the nineteenth day of June. I then jumped out of bed and decided to get on my computer to visit a Jewish church¡¯s website. In their monthly periodical, it mentioned wedding anniversaries of some of the couples who belonged to the church. It was then I came across the only couple who celebrated a wedding anniversary on the twentieth day of June¡ªJackson and Anya Caiaphas, their sixteenth wedding anniversary.

    Luckily I had two Vicodin left and threw them both down as I felt nailed down to my bed, unable to move. I tried to not let her Friday night ¡°errand¡± bother me, but I began to notice a pattern¡ªthat she showed her love more to me at times she hurt me. Although I knew it wasn¡¯t intentional, and in a way it was something she had to go along with, she couldn¡¯t tell that to a heart that bled for her. When Anya stayed in her marriage, in my heart and mind, she stayed for glasses to be raised to her and Jackson every year. It made me to feel beyond all madness that she would allow anyone, a single person, to recognize their marriage after all she ever allowed and encouraged me to feel for her. She could do things for her kids, but it¡¯s the things she did for her marriage that drove me over the edge. Her love is what allowed me to breathe, and without her love, how could I possibly breathe again? I believed in true love my entire existence even when it proved to be as real for me as a unicorn, and for this to not be it, after all I felt with the one who personified true love for me¡ªI¡¯d never love, trust, or open up to another living soul the same way again. I¡¯d rather live and be buried alone than to not have this kind of love. If Anya broke my heart, and she stayed with the man who dishonored her, I could never believe in love again. Unlike the Great Gatsby, who couldn¡¯t get past Daisy loving Tom before he came back into her life, I could deal with that because it would be too much to ask. If Anya stayed at this point though, she chose Jackson too along with her kids.

    As I laid in my bed like I was trapped in a car¡¯s wreckage, surrounded by her perfume bottles, her cards, the CD¡¯s she burned for me and even her bra, things she wanted me to have, it dawned on me why she did so. Why she got me things to remind me of her kindness¡ªfor those times she knew she would and had to be unkind. The entire time, I thought they were given to me because she planned to be with me¡ªshe wanted to make sure no other girl took her place. I was beginning to see and learn I couldn¡¯t have been more wrong. The greatest irony of it all, she told me she didn¡¯t know, but at this point she had to have always known she would break my heart since the decision would be up to how her children felt about it.

    At ten minutes to ten, as the Vicodin began to kick in to save me from my journey into a circle of hell, the red light on my cell phones began to speak.

    ANYA: ¡°U never leave my mind.¡±

    I had to say her text to me was one of the most, if not the most unexpected one I ever received from her. It then brought me back to her texts last year, when she did the same thing, on the weekend of her fifteenth wedding anniversary.

    ME: ¡°U never leave my mind too. I miss you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I miss u too.¡±

    Her text made me feel connected to her as it breathed new life into me. There also seemed to be a certain sense of sadness within it¡ªconsistent with being at a place she didn¡¯t necessarily care to be, but found it necessary to be there. I couldn¡¯t ignore the sense her sweet texts had an entirely different meaning behind them now. In the past, when she sent me a text like ¡°You never leave my mind ¡±, it echoed the same sentiments I did, but now they came with a disclaimer¡ªthat this was an admission of guilt more than love; that this had nothing to do with missing me but rather to do with hurting me. I always believed a text such as this meant that she wanted to be with me, now it seemed to be sent only because she was worried about me. These competing thoughts were now the norm and I struggled to find an epiphany that would render the negative obsolete. I then asked myself one simple question¡ªdid she have to text me at all? When my answer to that question was ¡°no¡±¡ªI found more love in her words than guilt.

    I wanted to build on the good feelings her text left me to feel. I imagined her surrounded by friends, neighbors, politicians, and family were all guests at an anniversary party Jackson never told her about. I imagined she played along as a huge part of her died inside and pulled her away from the party to find time to be with the one who made her honest¡ªthe one who truly loved and honored her. As much as I loved Anya and as much as the things she did that hurt me, she deserved to celebrate her anniversary party with a man she loved¡ªnot with a man who abused and dishonored her. Even if it meant I never got a chance to meet her¡ªI always wished he had never cheated on her and that she had the kind of love she deserved even with him. That was the saddest thing to me, more than the loneliness and pain I felt by her wedding anniversary, was the fact a mother with two kids she had with him didn¡¯t have that.

    The fact remained, the next day, was the twentieth of June, the actual day of their wedding anniversary¡ªnot the night when it appeared to be celebrated. After all we shared over the last year, I didn¡¯t understand how she could look Jackson in the eye at this point, let alone accept any of this. If I were truly crazy, I would¡¯ve found out where the party was and showed up to rescue her from it. If she truly loved me, I had grounds, but it would¡¯ve been wrong without a promise and disrespectful to her kids. To make matters worse, her anniversary fell on a Saturday, the night of the week I usually struggled with the most. If her anniversary had fallen on a Wednesday, it would have taken less of a mental toll on me. The fact it fell on a Saturday gave it the opportunity to be celebrated as an entire weekend event. After all we have shared, after all the love I was told she felt for me, after all her hopes, wishes and dreams, and after all she told me about the man that led me here¡ªI couldn¡¯t believe she could allow anyone to raise a single glass to her marriage. More than ever, I despised Jackson as I was certain he planned a party whose only design was to tear my soul to shreds. And he knew she would go along with it because she never gave him anything to question anymore. He put my entire life in play, for all the love he purposely failed to show and give to her, and I didn¡¯t appreciate it.

    When the dawn of her wedding anniversary showed through the blinds of my bedroom window, I threw the bed covers over my head¡ªdistraught and disheartened by the pain this day would bring me. Without a Vicodin to soothe the anguish, I thought my best chance to get through it was to hear how it made her feel directly from her. I couldn¡¯t afford to let my imagination run wild, because if it did, I would lose all I ever hoped for. It made it tougher to fight off my negative emotions when I considered a bigger reason behind why Anya texted me the prior evening¡ªto plant those words in my mind to prep me for when she went incognito on Saturday evening and possibly into Sunday. I didn¡¯t want her politics anymore and I couldn¡¯t handle the details¡ªall I wanted was the truth and if she wasn¡¯t brave enough to give it to me, it would only then lead me to seek it out for myself.

    When I didn¡¯t hear from her by four that Saturday afternoon, I feared I wouldn¡¯t hear from her at all. I then decided to reach out to her¡ªto see if she would be honest with me about it.

    ANYA: ¡°How r u?¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m ok. Getting some errands done. How r u?¡±

    After I sent this text to Anya, I didn¡¯t hear back from her until two hours later.

    ANYA: ¡°Good for u! I¡¯m ok too.¡±

    After I read her text, I considered the time was a little after six now and it seemed she was getting ready for something. Since she didn¡¯t know that I knew when her wedding anniversary was, I didn¡¯t want to make it a ¡°a-ha¡± kind of thing. I wanted her to tell me in the same truthful way she did when I asked her if she still slept with her husband. The best way was to go around what I knew and give her a chance to tell me. Anya boasted she always told me the truth and has always been nothing but honest with me. She has been honest the times I¡¯ve asked and I had no reason to believe her trend of being honest when asked wouldn¡¯t continue.

    ME: ¡°Do you have any plans this evening?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Niece¡¯s birthday party.¡±

    I believed Anya completely that she planned to go to her niece¡¯s birthday party. The problem was I had known Anya for two years and had seen her attend more than one party in a single day before. Her niece¡¯s birthday party didn¡¯t preclude her ability to attend another party that same night. Her niece was a year old and the time of the party would be more appropriate for an adult and not a one-year-old child. Her answer to my question was also very straight-forward, even a little hostile and protective¡ªshe knew I was onto something. I then decided to take my question another step further.

    ME: ¡°Is there something else being celebrated this weekend? Please be honest with me.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°What? Um no.¡±

    Her ¡°what¡± response reminded me of the time I asked her to give me a promise to be with me¡ªas if I was crazy to ask such a thing from the person who claimed to hope, wish and dream she was with me. When she followed it with an ¡°um, no¡±, after I knew it was her wedding anniversary date, it crushed me inside. She wanted me to let her go on her terms¡ªbut never on my terms. Why not tell me that this weekend was her wedding anniversary but she refuses to celebrate it for obvious reasons? Why come at me with a ¡°what¡± to a question I felt was done right and even asked her to please be honest with me about it. If she wanted me to leave her then why not tell me something that would rip my heart out and force me to walk away? Why couldn¡¯t she just simply respond ¡°No, just my niece¡¯s birthday party. What else did you think was being celebrated?¡± Her response only stoked the fire that boiled the water that made my imagination run torturously free. I gave her an opportunity to be honest with me, to not sell me on romantic feelings, but the truth. If she felt the need to hide what was celebrated from me then it had to be my worst fear realized. That this weekend carried significance like the three days did in Tenerife she also had to have known of. Who would respond to a text message ¡°what¡± if she were honest? That¡¯s the kind of response you give to someone over the phone because it¡¯s not concise, clear or could be heard well. My question was concise, clear and could not be mistaken, and her ¡°what¡± response was the realization of my worst fear.The tale has been illicitly lifted; should you spot it on Amazon, report the violation.

    When I didn¡¯t hear back from Anya at all, it seemed she ran away to hide from her lie. It also seemed like she held the right to lie about this to me¡ªas if it were none of my business. I would agree, however the last two years she led me to believe she didn¡¯t love her husband and she loved me. The worst part about it was that it confirmed what I feared¡ªthat her ¡°U never leave my mind¡± text was sent for political purposes¡ªto throw me off the scent of her wedding anniversary dinner or whatever it was, with Jackson. I felt I kindly asked her two questions and the responses I received were not anywhere in line with the manner the questions were presented to her. I figured I would text her again to smooth things out and to see where she truly was. I figured if she was at her niece¡¯s birthday party, she could get away for a second to text me back. If she was with Jackson, there was no way she could.

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry if what I asked upset you. Could you text me back to let me know you¡¯re not mad at me so I can go to bed? Thank you.¡±

    Anya told me just the other night that I never left her mind. Days earlier she told me she felt responsible for taking two years of my life. She then followed that up with that she felt bad after months of hurting me. I was starting to learn that I never left her mind because of all the things she did that would hurt me if I knew, and not because she needed me the way I needed her. This all came from the same woman who would get mad at me when I questioned her love. The same woman who told me she hoped, wished and dreamt we would be together. The same woman who wanted to wear my ring and even dreamt of our wedding. The same woman who told me she would rather die than never have me in her life. The same woman who visited my apartment nearly fifty times. The same woman who told me nothing was impossible and divorces happen every day. When that same woman never responded to my texts when she knew what my heart was going through and how it would make me feel if she ever celebrated a wedding anniversary with the man she led me to believe she didn¡¯t love and had chipped away her feelings for him¡ªI had reached my final straw.

    I couldn¡¯t believe the woman who loved me was out on a Saturday night, having a wedding anniversary dinner with a man she told me horrific things about. After I walked away eighteen months earlier to avoid the heart wrenching feeling I felt now. While I trusted this woman¡¯s cries when she told me I broke her heart, I now found myself in the darkest of all despairs¡ªbound to my bed like a hospice on a Saturday evening with a mind she allowed to run recklessly. As I laid down, distraught and tormented, Anya was out in celebration of her unholy matrimony¡ªall at the expense of my heart. While she showed off her marriage to others as a beautiful sacred union, the heart that believed in her hopes, wishes and dreams now beat slowly and ever so closely to its finality. I had to be honest with myself about how I felt¡ªit made me sick to think glasses were being raised to a marriage that hurt my life. I had no idea the day I made the decision to mend Anya¡¯s heart that she could be as cruel as the man she told me horrific things about¡ªthings that led me here. When she decided to honor her marriage to Jackson, after sixteen years of wedded dishonor, and decided it best to dishonor me, it left me to feel betrayed by her. How could she love me so deeply only to leave me to feel this way? If she loved me, how could her only remedy to stop me from hurting would be to break my heart? Did she really think she put herself out there as much as I did? She was able to brace for the fall because she controlled the soft landing spot. It seemed she only referred to me as her ¡°best friend¡± so I¡¯d feel guilty about her betrayal¡ªanother political ruse. Make him feel like my confidant so when I break his heart, he¡¯ll believe he broke mine. What I felt was so horrific, I couldn¡¯t believe it was real. I felt I had been put to death for a crime I didn¡¯t commit. I thought she truly loved me, and always held on to that belief even in disbelief. Now, the woman who loved me so strongly suddenly switched her allegiance and became weak, and left me begging for air for wanting a dishonest person to be an honest one. I came to her rescue while she drowned in the shark infested waters of a sea of betrayal, and when I brought her ashore safely, she pushed me in and now left me for dead.

    I blamed Jackson for her sickness though and I wanted him to feel what she did. I wanted to turn the tables on him. I wanted him to know what it was like to be broken hearted. Anya and I both didn¡¯t deserve this, but I knew he did. When she decided not to text me back that evening and to immerse herself in a lie without a single regard for how I felt, it only caused my mind to drift away from everything we shared. My feelings and emotions may have not meant much to Anya, but they held value to me. My heart wasn¡¯t something I just gave anybody, after all I¡¯ve gone through with other women¡ªit came with an enormous amount of trust in all she told me from the beginning¡ªall the trust in the world she knew what love was after being cheated on many times in her marriage. I wanted the truth whether it hurt me or not, and never expected her to ever play the ¡°kid¡± card¡ªnot after she had five months to consider them before we reconnected. It seemed she still loved Jackson and refused to be honest about it. All she had to do was give me the word and I¡¯d be gone forever, but her preference of silence put me in the position to go another route¡ªone I never wanted nor thought she would ever put me in a position to consider, let alone, take. She loved me to ruin, then left me under the rubble. I was entitled to know the answer to the questions my heart had for her¡ªafter it felt like she hijacked it from me with all she neglected to tell me about so I¡¯d mend a heart left me to believe I broke.

    The next day was Father¡¯s Day, but after a night of complete and total despair, the day meant something entirely different to me¡ªmy declaration day. The day I laid it all on the line with Anya¡ªI refused to ever go through the torment her marriage put me through ever again. She had no right to celebrate her marriage to the man whose infidelities she made known to me so she could use me for love¡ªI just wasn¡¯t the kind of man she could use and discard me at her convenience. She told me just the other day that after months of pressure that it was the ¡°final straw¡± for her. If she could pull the final straw for me, then I could also do the same. After a soul deadening restless night I spent in bed because she celebrated a marriage that did nothing but cause good people pain¡ªI no longer had anything to lose. On a night I didn¡¯t sleep a wink, I began to text Anya at six in the morning determined to salvage what I had left of a life that no longer existed.

    ME: ¡°Morning. Sorry if I upset you with what I texted last night. I have to say it¡¯s pretty ridiculous when you tell me you don¡¯t tell me things b/c you¡¯re afraid it will hurt and upset me. Now when I ask you even legitimate questions, I may have you get mad at me for asking them? Like I have no right to? It¡¯s only natural to ask these things b/c it¡¯s a learned behavior now.¡±

    ME: ¡°You can¡¯t be mad at me for asking you questions. That¡¯s not fair. Am I not being fair to you by asking them? Idk. I¡¯m trying to be fair here. Just let me know so I could understand how you see it.¡±

    ME: ¡°You know Anya, I¡¯m in love with you and it¡¯s not right you ignore me. I would never in a million years ignore a text from you. You tell me you don¡¯t want to hurt me yet you ignore me?¡±

    ME: ¡°Your silence has led me to believe you¡¯re hiding something from me that I need to know. For a year and a half, I have respected your situation out of respect for you, hoping you¡¯ll find the strength to end your marriage. Taking my heart should be just as hard as it is to leave. You told me you ¡°couldn¡¯t help it¡± but now there are things I can¡¯t help. I need to find out if I was loved for just a feeling, to fill a void in your marriage, and if you had any real plans to be with me. I hope you don¡¯t hate me and I don¡¯t want to hurt anyone but I feel now there are some things I need to know whether it crushes me or not, and since it seems like I¡¯ve already lost you and you¡¯re not being honest with me, then I guess you¡¯ve given me nothing to lose.¡±

    After I sent these texts to her, I hoped she would answer them with a show of love¡ªenough to believe in. I preferred not to confront Jackson, but I needed to understand this pain she gave me no real explanation for. I understood the fa?ade of her marriage had to exist at certain times, but when it appeared to be celebrated that put me over the edge. If she planned to let me go then she needed to tell me the truth why so I could move on knowing I wasn¡¯t the one to blame¡ªif she betrayed me, I would have no choice but to never look back. Lance disappeared into that good night, but he did with answers I never received. I truly loved Anya and I didn¡¯t fear the things Lance did. I definitely didn¡¯t fear Jackson like he did because I carried a weapon all his money could never defeat¡ªthe truth. I also needed to know if the woman who loved me had my back¡ªor if she would pick up a weapon and use it against me. I needed to know how real her love was, because my pain was more real than anything.

    When Anya returned my text, I realized there would be no turning back on this day for me, as I prepared to make sense of what she proclaimed to be love.

    ANYA: ¡°Do what you have to do Landyn. I hope you can live with yourself. You just ended us for good. Just want you to know I will still be buried in Abalone Cove. Have a nice life.¡±

    Her passive-aggressive response suggested there was something I would learn that would end us for good. At this point, I wasn¡¯t sure if I ended a friendship or a relationship. Her reply only seemed to confirm all I feared and why I needed to confront Jackson. To read ¡°have a nice life¡± from someone who claimed she felt responsible for taking it from me, made me feel even more betrayed. Before I could respond though, she did what she should¡¯ve been able to do the prior evening¡ªshe texted me again.

    ANYA: ¡°Please don¡¯t text me back and say you didn¡¯t mean it, you¡¯re sorry, and that you couldn¡¯t hurt anyone. You really hurt me. I wish you well. Your mom will be in my prayers.¡±

    Anya celebrated her marriage last night as if I didn¡¯t exist in her life yet I was the one who hurt her. I kindly asked her for honesty, instead I got ignored. I didn¡¯t have any plans to stop the fun she planned at my heart¡¯s expense¡ªall I wanted was a response back so I could fall asleep and not send her the texts I did on this morning. Even after how horrific she left me to feel, I read her texts again, and felt like I wronged her. Just hearing back from her usually softened my stance¡ªeven made me forget how she betrayed me. I then asked her one simple question to see if I could avoid our discussion from getting worse.

    ME: ¡°How come you didn¡¯t text me back last night?¡±

    I waited for five minutes. Then ten minutes. Ten turned into twenty and twenty turned into thirty. When thirty turned into an hour, I truly knew I had nothing to lose.

    ME: ¡°I would just tell your husband everything. I know who he is. His name is Jackson Caiaphas, and you have no one to blame but yourself for withholding who he was from me. Proof you didn¡¯t tell me everything in the beginning I needed to know¡ªthings even Lance knew. You hid him from me because you didn¡¯t want me to run like he did. Now I understand why he broke your heart. It would have helped me avoid all this pain I feel now. You¡¯ve left me no choice but to find out why you allowed me into your life when you knew mothers made sacrifices when they marry rich men¡ªfor the sake of their kids. Please tell your kids the truth about me Anya. Please let them know why I¡¯m in your life¡ªbecause I love their mother.¡±

    ME: ¡°Just in case you try to play the religious card with me, if there is a God, I¡¯m certain he brought me here, a man who never settled for anything less than true love, because false vows were made in his name. He brought me here because you married a man who has no respect for marriages other than his own. I¡¯m certain God wants to see two people in love together, and not two people who think love is irrational and unrealistic. I can live with myself knowing that, but I don¡¯t know if you can. I don¡¯t know much about God, but I know if he stands for love, he would be in support of us over a marriage you both lied to him about. I just hope you can live with yourself for hurting your kids¡¯ lives by staying all because their father is a goose who lays golden eggs.¡±

    ME: ¡°You put me in this position¡ªall I¡¯m doing now is playing the card you dealt me. If you cared so much about the family fa?ade, you should¡¯ve never encouraged and allowed me to feel so much for you. I could have lived just fine without knowing what this love feels like if all it would lead me to was heartache. I told you from day one that I didn¡¯t want to fill a void in your life¡ªyou knew that from day one. All I¡¯ve ever wanted was to be your hero and be with the one I loved. The one who claimed to love me too. The one who told me it was her hope, wish and dream. The one who told me she wanted to wear my ring and could see us with a child.¡±

    ME: ¡°You should¡¯ve also told me about the popularity contest that goes on in your neighborhood before you met me and about all the friends his money has bought you over the years. That your love would leave me paralyzed at home missing you on the same nights you partied them away. I don¡¯t even want to imagine what happens when you come home drunk. I deserved to know in advance no matter what I did for you, you would still celebrate your wedding anniversary as if your marriage is a blessed sacred union¡ªlike you were never cheated on. That was beyond disrespectful to me and I will never understand what made you feel you had the right to do that after all we¡¯ve shared. After you claimed to love me and even got upset with me for questioning your love. You wonder why I question your love? This is a reason why. No one has ever hurt me as badly as you did by ignoring me and letting my mind wonder last night.¡±

    ME: ¡°Your excuses for still being there, after you allowed and encouraged me to fall in love with you, all exist in the bank accounts your husband¡¯s money resides in, and now I have to suffer. Well, I won¡¯t.¡±

    ME: ¡°This weekend was the final straw for me. Thanks for showing me love doesn¡¯t exist. I will never fall in love again. Ever!!¡±

    I believed I caught Anya in an act of dishonesty, something I never dreamed possible even after I asked her to please be honest. For her to choose dishonesty, she must¡¯ve really believed I had a right to be furious over such a thing if I knew. I could be hurt by the truth, but never upset about it¡ªit¡¯s only the lie that could anger me. I felt betrayed beyond her act of dishonesty though. How could she love me at such depth and then expect me to be flippant if she stayed with Jackson? Especially when she knew the only reason I chose to be in her life was because of all the horrible things she told me about him. It scared me to think she could do that to me. Did she do this to everyone to get them to have sex with her? Did she assume because she met me in a bar that I only wanted sex? That when I talked of love, she thought I was full of shit? Was her love for me ever real? I was that lost by her silence the prior evening. She didn¡¯t just take two years of my life away¡ªshe stole them. I didn¡¯t want her sympathy or her ashes¡ªI wanted her. Lance may have not held her accountable but I planned to. She couldn¡¯t go around telling men, who spoke of love, that her husband cheated on her to get what she wanted from them. If Anya had been honest with me about her love from the beginning, I wouldn¡¯t have had a leg to stand on. But, if she also had to go through these lengths just to feel love, there was no way I could allow her to live a life of deception as other well-intentioned men who genuinely cared about her happiness, apparently needlessly, suffered like I did.

    ANYA: ¡°I was at my niece¡¯s Bday. I helped out all night.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯ve known you for two years now and I know that would¡¯ve never stopped you from texting me. You could have text me to at least tell me you weren¡¯t mad. No or yes. Just a two second text. You were short in your other texts to me anyway.¡±

    ME: ¡°When you love someone there is no end¡ªnothing matters. Love catches the ones who fall¡ªit never lets them go especially when someone is hurting. Please save your ashes. I only wanted you, not your condolences. The man you celebrated last night deserves your ashes¡ªif you can recall, he¡¯s the one who dishonored you.¡±

    ME: ¡°You live a life of entitlement¡ªone I can¡¯t even begin to understand. The one thing you were never entitled to was my feelings¡ªunless you were willing to be with me. Even regardless of a sacrifice you knew mothers made the very first night you approached me at Sonomas. Sorry I feel the way I do, but I don¡¯t want this happening to any other decent man who gives their heart to you because they trusted in your pain and sadness.¡±

    ME: ¡°Your husband uses your kids as weapons against you. That makes me even more upset about this.¡±

    ME: ¡°Ok, I¡¯m shutting up now. I got to stop. Believe me I hate to do this to you but you¡¯ve given me a death sentence by loving me like that and making promises to your kids as if we never shared a thing.¡±

    I felt separated from my body¡ªI hated to tell her these things and not believe what she told me, but she wrecked me emotionally. My hands trembled with every text I sent and I literally felt sick to my stomach. I thought I would feel better after I sent her these texts but it only made me feel worse. I knew I risked everything with each text I sent, even my entire life, but the pain overwhelmed me. The problem was is that I sent her these texts as if I wasn¡¯t in love with her. I failed to recognize I loved her even when I believed she betrayed me¡ªand I didn¡¯t even have proof of that. We were together for eighteen months, and her situation was the only reason why I struggled. I thought if I fought for her, I would be rewarded, not punished. If she believed for a second what I told her brought me any joy or vindication, she couldn¡¯t be more wrong. This hurt me a lot more than it did her. I couldn¡¯t stomach the thought of her being with Jackson¡ªthe man who led me to this pain. Why did I have to feel any of the pain for things that I never did to her? This pain and suffering should only be reserved for the man who wronged her, not for the man whose lone intent was to love her¡ªto save her from further pain.

    ANYA: ¡°Why are you doing this to us? Do you truly believe I¡¯m ok and you¡¯re not? Do you truly believed I messed with you?¡±

    ME: ¡°If you weren¡¯t ambivalent to your marriage and you were willing to live with it, I can¡¯t help but feel you messed with me. My goal wasn¡¯t to make you ambivalent to your marriage if you were willing to live with it. That tells me I never would have the chance you led me to believe I did from the onset, and you had no real plans of ever leaving even if you loved me.¡±

    ME: ¡°How could you ever love me, so much so you called me your soulmate, and then tell me it would hurt your kids if we were together? Why put me in that position? I¡¯m here because you wanted me here, and you never allowed me to feel any fear in my decision until after I fell deeply in love with you. Well, now I¡¯m here.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°If you decided you¡¯re going to do what you¡¯re going to do, there¡¯s nothing I can do about it. I¡¯m sorry you want to end us forever and you want to hurt me like that.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I would never in a billion years think to even hurt you on purpose like that. I am so confused. I know you¡¯re really a noble person and that you¡¯re really not like that.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°If you must do it then it¡¯s out of my control. I know that he will go after you. That¡¯s not a threat. Just know him, that¡¯s all. I don¡¯t want anything to happen to you.¡±

    I couldn¡¯t believe what I read¡ªhe would come after me? If it wasn¡¯t meant to be a threat, it sure sounded like one. It even sounded as if she believed Jackson would be justified to come after me. How could she love me yet not be by my side? How did she know he would come after me? Even worse, how could she marry, let alone sleep in the same bed, with someone like that? She didn¡¯t want anything to happen to me yet she would take his side? The side of the man who dishonored her over the one she betrayed? He would actually want to fight me? He could ruin other people¡¯s marriages, but his marriage was off limits? She seemed to forget all she ever told me about the man. He cheated on her several times¡ªwhile she was pregnant¡ªcaused her so much grief she gave birth to her son prematurely. Andrew nearly died at birth because of his libido yet she felt I wasn¡¯t justified to be her hero? Her words didn¡¯t jump off my phone screen as she loved her husband but she sure still seemed to care about him more than she did me. The fact was, there should be nothing I could do that would end our love if she truly loved me. The only way our love would end was if she had already ended it without letting me know about it¡ªall because I desperately wanted to be with the one, I loved. The only one who deserved promises form her. She lied to her kids so much, her son altered his birthday wish because he knew otherwise.

    Her words seemed to point out that he would come at me physically if I confronted him. I thought we would have it out, but nothing that would come to blows¡ªhe was a client. I also respected his kids too much and I wanted to get along with him for their sake. It didn¡¯t seem like she was in love with him, but she must have still carried him in her heart. It didn¡¯t mean she didn¡¯t have feelings for me, but they didn¡¯t seem to matter enough to be the love I felt for her. Jackson knew who I was. He knew Anya and I had a relationship yet had done nothing to stop it. What was he waiting for? For me to fall apart like this? Had she already conspired with him against me? Did they have an agreement and plan of action already in place? Did Lance ever have to hear the same thing I just did? Contrary to her belief, she had control over this¡ªshe could¡¯ve been honest and told Jackson she loved me and wanted to be with me. Did she only love and want to be with me as long as it remained a secret? Did she just tell me these things so I¡¯d never think about facing him? Something that happened in some form already at the symposium? How would Jackson knowing the truth end us forever? What could possibly stop her if she wanted to be with the man she loved? I knew the answer to that question¡ªnothing would. Not his money, not her kids, if she loved me, she would have made it happen by now. For thirty-six years I waited for true love and for the last eighteen months Anya allowed and encouraged me to believe that¡¯s what she felt for me, but now I learned the exact opposite of all she ever told me. Like the politician her husband was, she baited me then switched on me, threw words like ¡°best friend¡± and ¡°forever¡± at me like they meant something to her. I seemed to learn on this day, they were meaningless¡ªall of them served only one purpose¡ªher own. If Anya still loved him, in any way, I had the right to know. She talked of him as if I were a business contact, not her lover. She used his infidelities to reel me into a situation that left me so emotionally dependent on her, I could now only be harmed. I had the right to know why she never left and lied to me about how she truly felt about the infidelities. Why once it was time to put her money where her ¡°I love you forever¡± words were, why she ran away. I also believed she told me this to deter me from reaching out to him, and gambled that I loved her too much to lose her by doing such a thing. The thing she had to know was I didn¡¯t want to reach out to him to begin with¡ªbut I needed answers she wasn¡¯t giving me. I wanted her to be honest with him, but when she refused to and celebrated her marriage instead, I had never felt more betrayed. Even though I didn¡¯t want to reach out to Jackson, I also wanted her to know I wouldn¡¯t be intimidated by him or anyone. That her text about him coming after me only upset me even more¡ªI was the one who was ultimately punished for his infidelities.

    ME: ¡°I told you I was willing to die for this love. I fear nothing and no one¡ªI¡¯ll even leave him my address.¡±

    ME: ¡°If that¡¯s the kind of man you¡¯re with then I definitely want to do this. I¡¯ll let Andrew have his family on the 4<sup>th </sup>before I reach out to him though.¡±

    As much as her text about Jackson coming after me really ticked me off, once I thought of Andrew¡¯s birthday wish, I didn¡¯t have the heart to follow through with it. I just wanted Anya to know that if she thought I was intimidated by Jackson, she was wrong¡ªthe reason I texted her what I did.

    ANYA: ¡°As much as you don¡¯t think it¡¯s true. I really really wanted to change things. I took a chance. I tried. If you truly know me and you know how I feel. I know for a fact you know me. That I¡¯m certain of.¡±

    ME: ¡°No, Anya. You never tried to change a single thing. You always knew he was going to give you a choice and that¡¯s not trying. You never even put him in a position to not give you a choice. All you did was hang out with me only when time permitted, and never tried to be with me. Thoughts and words don¡¯t count, actions do.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ok, just tell me when you¡¯re going to call him. Just give me that. I can¡¯t believe you would do this to the one who loves you.¡±

    ME: ¡°You love me so much that you completely ignored my text last night. If you truly loved me, you would have never put me in the position to feel this way¡ªlet alone feel the need to act out on it.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I would never in my life, ever think to hurt you like this. I hope your mom never finds out! I¡¯m so upset I can¡¯t stop crying!¡±

    Anya knew all my weaknesses, and I felt like a brought a butter knife to a gun battle. After she threatened to sick the man who dishonored her on me, now she threw my mother at me and tears. I refused to let her tears prevent me from letting this pain known¡ªthat she gave to the man she loved. She had to learn to respect my heart, feelings and emotions the way I always respected hers. I put her first while she put me after even her kickboxing class. This relationship wasn¡¯t just about her now¡ªI mattered too. You don¡¯t give someone enormous feelings for you then let them go. That¡¯s not love for another¡ªshe was much more in love with herself.

    ME: ¡°I wasn¡¯t in your life for marriage support. That¡¯s insulting.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ok, so it¡¯s all my fault. You really do question it, don¡¯t you?¡±

    ME: ¡°Loving me the way you have loved me, and then telling me you can¡¯t be with me should be a crime.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°So you hate me for falling for you?¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m not questioning that you love me as much as I¡¯m questioning your intentions to ever be with me. You stole my heart. I think you only fell more in love with yourself¡ªnot with me.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Do you really question that after what we¡¯ve been through?¡±

    ME: ¡°If you love me as much as you claim, especially after all we¡¯ve been through, you would¡¯ve at the very least made a promise to be with me by now. I don¡¯t hate you¡ªI hate the lies and the fa?ade of your marriage. Your love hurt me, and love is not supposed to do that.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°What lies?¡±

    ME: ¡°The lies behind the Caiaphas family name among other things.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I took a chance and really hoped. I still can¡¯t tell you what is to become of me in the future, but we could never be even if I were alone in the future.¡±

    ME: ¡°Please tell me what have I got to lose anyway?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ask your mom about a mom¡¯s pain for kids. I told you I struggle.¡±

    I didn¡¯t want to minimize Anya¡¯s pain and struggle in regards to her kids, but I trusted her when she encouraged and allowed me to fall deeply in love with her that this would never be an issue. If she cared more for her kids than any promise, she made to me, then I felt it was another way to say she chose Jackson and his money over me. Facts were facts¡ªif Jackson wasn¡¯t well off, she would¡¯ve been gone eighteen months ago. If she didn¡¯t want to lose fifty percent of her kids, why did she take a hundred percent of my heart? What gave her the grounds to do such a thing without knowing what love was? This is why I believed she got what she wanted from me¡ªmy love. Once she got that, all bets were off¡ªher ego, the same one Jackson had, was now satisfied. I couldn¡¯t believe this was the same woman who told me I had broken her heart. The same one who told me she could see us with a child. The same one who told me ¡°I love you, forever¡±. The same one who wanted to wear my ring. She changed course on me, like a crooked politician after they were voted into office. Once she had the power over me, she planned to wield it if I got out of line in anyway. She would even sick the man, who cheated, dishonored and abused her, on me if she had to, since he held more value to her kids than I did. This struggle should¡¯ve never been an issue for her, after I walked away to avoid falling in love with her¡ªespecially after she told me she was only still with her husband because she feared no one would want to be with her because she had ¡°baggage¡±¡ªthe reason Lance left her. It was her politics that led me here only to be destroyed by them. She told me of her struggle too late, after she had hijacked my heart and soul¡ªfor me to feel she could never leave Jackson. If she stayed for the kids, she stayed because she still had feelings for him too¡ªthere could be no in between. I was no expert on evil, or Satan, but it now seemed I had a close relationship enough to know the entity personally. I wondered if Anya fed the same things to Lance, and that¡¯s why he left¡ªnow I wondered no more. After Anya decided to take two years of my life, something she claimed to feel bad about, I couldn¡¯t accept her struggle as an excuse, especially when she compared it to my mother, who never cheated on my father, instead of her own who had real thoughts at one time. I deserved to know from her, why she could never even offer a promise if she truly loved me.

    ME: ¡°My mom did not marry a man out of convenience. She did not marry for money or status; she married for love. Most importantly, my mother never allowed nor encouraged another man to fall in love with her and be in her life. You¡¯re comparing an apple to an orange. My mother kept her vows. You¡¯re reaching now Anya, and you know this is not the same struggle¡ªnot even close.¡±

    ME: ¡°If you won¡¯t be with me, then I¡¯d rather see you away from him and with someone else who made you happy. You owe me that much.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I will never love again even if I were alone in the future. I will never be happy again. You happy?¡±

    ME: ¡°That¡¯s all I¡¯ve done every single minute for the last eighteen months is care about your happiness. What do you want from me? What did you ever want from me? To satisfy your ego? To have love for the sake of falling in love when you have already have someone?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Please just tell me when you¡¯re going to do your thing. I¡¯m so sad we can¡¯t ever be even friends.¡±

    ME: ¡°Your husband knows who I am anyway. Who knows what he has said about me behind my back. After July 4<sup>th</sup>, if I even do it at all.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°He would never unless you do something first. Thx for letting me know. I would never tell your mom or your family. U know. I gave you my everything. Take care.¡±

    When she texted ¡°You know, I gave you my everything¡±, it made me literally throw up in disgust. She gave me everything that nicely fit in her schedule, not everything. All I learned the last twenty-four hours is what I always feared¡ªshe only took and gave me heartache.

    ME: ¡°How can you even think that let alone text it? You¡¯re not here with me. You¡¯ve never vouched for me. You protect a man who dishonored you over one who honored you. I have to talk to you in texts and not in person. You gave me everything as long as it fit in your schedule. A kickboxing class was more important to you than I ever was. You¡¯ve only taken from me and given me heartache. After I walked away from you and then trusted I had broken your heart¡ªcame back into your life just so you could suddenly struggle and take mine. You knew what you were getting into from the very first day with me and you decided to disrespect my heart anyway. This is where your struggle should lie.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Did you not hear anything I¡¯ve ever said and did you not feel everything I¡¯ve given.¡±

    ME: ¡°Love is a verb before it can become a noun, Anya. I know honesty and trust is the kryptonite of the Caiaphas family name, but I feel at this point, if there¡¯s a God, I¡¯m only doing His work by being honest. You have a chance to talk me out of it, but my heart won¡¯t accept just a friendship. Not after all I¡¯ve ever shared with you. I truly gave you my everything and you truly are my everything. You¡¯re going to have to prove to me you didn¡¯t use me.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ok Landyn. Do what you have to do. I can¡¯t do anything about it. Just know I could never hurt you in the way you¡¯re going to hurt me. In God¡¯s name I love you.¡±

    The more I read her texts, the more I believed her love only existed on her terms, as long as I fit nicely into her schedule and didn¡¯t disrupt her married life. I couldn¡¯t believe she so grossly disrespected my heart, to put me in the position to feel I had to do something so desperate like confronting Jackson. The worst part is she was never the ultimate decision maker in our relationship¡ªher kids were, her friends were, and ultimately the man who dishonored her was. She told me one hell of a tale of woe to hook me, and now left me dangling from it just inches from the mouths of sharks. Everything she told me in the beginning was fabricated to satisfy her ego, and in a way, even stroked the ego of a sociopath, Jackson Caiaphas. She had no right to pursue a relationship with me at all if the decision would be predicated upon everyone else but her. It was vicious, inhumane and cruel to allow me to feel so much and I felt violated¡ªlike I had been raped. She never had my consent if the decision were in the hands of everyone else but her regardless of what I did for her. She didn¡¯t take two years of my life, she stole them from me¡ªit was that simple. I wanted no part of her ¡°love¡± if she struggled with the pain of her kids. I wouldn¡¯t have wanted to put her in that position, or them, for one, but her love was a complete disregard for my own heart, and the emotions loving her produced. She created what I felt through trust, and for her to violate that by holding back was like tying a dog to a tree and then moving away. For her to use God¡¯s name was shameful. How could she tell me she loved me yet left me to feel so discarded and abandoned with so many feelings for her there wasn¡¯t enough room for them in my heart.

    My career depended on a focused mind, and her love crippled me mentally so badly I couldn¡¯t even concentrate on my work. She loved me with her heart and soul, yet continued to live as if I didn¡¯t exist in her life¡ªunless I spoke out in defense of my heart. And when or if I ever did, she threatened to let me go, and the problem would be solved¡ªno, the problem was not solved. My whole life was now upside down and close to complete ruin because of her ¡°love¡± for me. Love was supposed to save people, not give them a death sentence. It was impossible for me not to feel she knew exactly what she was doing from day one¡ªshe had experience with Lance. She knew I would eventually crack and break, and then Debbie will take her out for a drink to get her mind off of things, and onto the next sucker from there. Anya didn¡¯t like to remember she approached me at Sonomas¡ªnot the other way around. I now no longer trusted her love for me. I trusted her love for me was just like Jackson¡¯s love for her¡ªonly an extension of the love she had for herself. I deserved her to be off the fence and into the know. I didn¡¯t deserve her indecision. I didn¡¯t deserve her struggles with the pain of her kids. I didn¡¯t deserve her change of heart after mine would never change for years to come¡ªall I know was still all I knew. She only loved me because I let her love exist on her own terms. If they existed on mine, all I would receive from her was ¡°have a nice life¡±. Her behavior had to be put to an end before it destroyed another life¡ªthe way it destroyed mine. As much as I threatened to tell Jackson, I also didn¡¯t want to. I thought it would inspire her to be honest with him, but I think I had all I needed to know¡ªshe didn¡¯t truly love me. Her love for me only existed because it fit into her schedule otherwise it could¡¯ve never worked out. I remembered one time she even thanked me for that. Little did I know where she planned to lead me. I should¡¯ve known when she texted me after three quiet days in Tenerife¡ªshe had no idea what love was to know how to love someone. I began to feel the last two years were only fun and games to her¡ªwhile they meant everything to me.

    ME: ¡°How will me telling him, hurt you? Please explain.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I never thought we could hurt each other on purpose, not in this life time. Do what you must. I will always love you. Do you want your thingie back?¡±

    ME: ¡°Why would I want it back? If you don¡¯t want it, just toss it or flush it away. I¡¯m sorry, but your marriage to this man is now going to be under an umbrella of truth and no longer under the black cloud of deception. I got into this to be with you¡ªnot to be just a friend. After all I¡¯ve shared of myself with you, I just can¡¯t accept that. I¡¯m sorry.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°If you don¡¯t want it back, I¡¯d like to keep it if you don¡¯t mind. It¡¯s the only thing I have to keep to remind me of what we shared no matter what you do to me.

    Anya confused me more than ever. Why would she want to hold on to my necklace at this point anyway? As a memento of lies? Wouldn¡¯t she feel guilty keeping it around while she loved Jackson¡¯s money¡ªI mean her husband? What did we really share? She wanted to keep something that reminded her of her struggle with kids? If she struggled, then we were nothing¡ªI was nothing to her but an escape from a life that got a little lonely.

    Could I be wrong about this? Was I losing my mind? Why did I suddenly feel like I stole something from her when I was so certain she stole it from me?

    ME: ¡°You¡¯re killing me! Why don¡¯t you just be with me if you love me so much?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°If you want it back then I¡¯d understand.¡±

    ME: ¡°I don¡¯t want it back. I got it for you because I love you. I will always love you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ok I will keep it then. I will always keep it.¡±

    ME: ¡°I think this has to be the craziest day of my entire life. Are you afraid of him?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°What do you mean?¡±

    I started this text exchange determined to learn the truth about her love. I felt the writing was on the wall for me. What if she feared Jackson would physically assault her though and that¡¯s why she struggled? She was capable of hiding things from me¡ªif she told me he was physically abusive to her; she knew I¡¯d go after him¡ªeven willing to take a bullet for her. I¡¯d sacrifice my own life¡ªeven if she found love with someone else if I could pry her away from him. I didn¡¯t feel all this pain so she could stay with the man who led her to me. I felt I failed her if she stayed with him. If Jackson was a good husband¡ªI would¡¯ve walked away and never been involved in the first place. I tried to eradicate the situation because it¡¯s what kept us apart. I thought if the cat was out of the bag, it would bring discomfort that she would have no choice but to leave him. I had to pay attention to what she told me though¡ªit didn¡¯t seem like she would leave him to be with anyone else but me. I then started to rethink things and how harsh I may have been. The more she texted me, the more I believed even if she did celebrate her wedding anniversary¡ªit didn¡¯t seem to mean much. I hoped to learn the truth today and I didn¡¯t have to go through her husband to do it. As angry as Anya left me to feel sometimes¡ªit was only because I felt nothing but all in the love in the world for her. She didn¡¯t even have to be with me¡ªshe just couldn¡¯t be with him¡ªthe reason I suffered. The truth was it seemed the only person who could make her happy was the only man whoever truly fought for her to have it¡ªme.

    ME: ¡°I know you¡¯re crying, u know. I¡¯m sorry for that. Is the reason you¡¯re still there is because you¡¯re afraid of what he might do if you left him?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m here b/c of my kids. U know that. I haven¡¯t kissed him since I met you.¡±

    The significance of what Anya told me left me sick to my stomach. Another inconsistency with what she told me in the beginning¡ªthat she never kissed her husband. Her statement led me to believe she still kissed him passionately at times¡ªwhy he reacted so angrily when she didn¡¯t return his passionate kisses back in January, after New Year¡¯s Eve. Her lack of feelings for Jackson was the one thing I trusted fully in¡ªwhat allowed me to feel safe to fall for her. Now though, I began to feel manipulated and misled about her feelings for him. After she revealed her kissing discrepancy, I now feared she still told him ¡°I love you¡± when he said it to her¡ªat the very least before she met me and again another inconsistency. If she wouldn¡¯t leave him because he would know we had a relationship, then this theory had more than two legs to stand on, and it shook me up even more than I already was.

    During our back and forth, I drove to my parent¡¯s house for Father¡¯s Day. When I arrived at the house, but before I entered, Anya had sent me a text.

    ANYA: ¡°Do you want to call me?¡±

    ME: ¡°Can I call you later?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°When? I have to see my Dad today. U busy now?¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m at my parent¡¯s right now.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°OMG I¡¯m so sorry. I assume ur dad knows too then. I beg of their forgiveness.¡±

    ME: ¡°My parents don¡¯t know our struggles. This is our business, and only between us. You don¡¯t have to be forgiven for anything.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ok. I¡¯m sorry.¡±

    ME: ¡°Nothing to be sorry for. I¡¯m the one putting you through this. Nothing to apologize for. This is on me.¡±

    I hated to do this to her as I began to hate myself for it. I needed to see things differently, but my past beat me up at times. If it wasn¡¯t my own father knocking me down, it was Karyn choosing the VP over me, or Sara preferring a taller man, or Denise after a weekend together on a cruise ship, or Lexi who still loved her old boyfriend. Most men didn¡¯t believe in true love and had it¡ªyet it eluded the guy who genuinely appreciated it, who even dreamt about it. I had to consider would Anya had chosen to hide all those things I needed to know if she didn¡¯t love me? Would she have sacrificed the relationship with her kids forever, two people who trusted her, if she didn¡¯t love me? Would she have left Jackson suspecting the same day she visited me if she didn¡¯t love me? I just felt I deserved more if it was true love¡ªI deserved her. I even thought Anya deserved it more. The situation had eroded my trust¡ªit threatened to destroy all we shared and I wanted it eradicated like a disease. I wanted Anya quarantined from the virus that was Jackson. Whenever she made me feel like the virus¡ªit really hurt beyond physical pain. After two years, I couldn¡¯t just walk away and I didn¡¯t understand how she could so easily if she loved me. My life bordered on complete shambles, and I felt left for dead¡ªjust because I trusted someone¡¯s love for me. As much as Anya couldn¡¯t believe I¡¯d put her through this, I couldn¡¯t believe she¡¯d allow me to feel this way. I expected this from every other woman, but not Anya¡ªnot from the only one who ever loved me.

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m sorry I¡¯ve hurt you. You¡¯re the last person I¡¯d ever want to hurt. I really do have a good heart you know.¡±

    ME: ¡°I know you do¡ªit¡¯s why I love you so much. I¡¯m not going to say anything bad about you, no details about what we¡¯ve shared, but I¡¯m going to tell him what I think of him as a husband. He¡¯s going to live with what you¡¯ve lived with for 12 years. See how he likes it. It¡¯s his turn now. Maybe I¡¯ll show up at Andrew¡¯s games and watch them. He can see what it feels like to live with that for the sake of the kids.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Do what you must Landyn. It will be the end of us but I will always carry our memories with me. I will never forget us.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Please don¡¯t hate him. He is not a bad person. You will only hurt my kids for doing that.¡±

    After I took the blame, she then texted me the last thing I ever wanted to hear about her husband. How could she tell me not to ¡°hate¡± him and he wasn¡¯t a ¡°bad¡± person after all the horrible things she told me about him? Why couldn¡¯t the one who claimed she told me everything in the beginning, tell me these things when we first met? Did she honestly believe, after I walked out on her at the bar, that I would¡¯ve ever dated her if she told me her husband wasn¡¯t a bad person? She wanted me to understand the ¡°Kid¡± thing yet she never attempted to understand the way I felt. She could apologize but it still lacked an understanding. If she had never made it a point to tell me he cheated on her several times, I¡¯d never know this pain. She knew as well as I did¡ªit only hurt the kids because he would withhold his money from them. When I decided to get involved with her, she then allowed me to hurt someone she considered to not be a bad person? She came over my apartment nearly fifty times to hurt someone who she didn¡¯t hate? Who she didn¡¯t consider a bad person? Of course, he¡¯s not a bad person¡ªhe bought the kids Imacs with 24¡± screens, a horse ranch and investments! Her text made me absolutely sick to my stomach as I threw open my car door in case I vomited. If I didn¡¯t hate the man as her husband and thought he was a ¡°good¡± person, I couldn¡¯t even rationalize the last eighteen months or a single thing we shared. The hurt she brought into my life when she texted me that left me flat out disgusted. I needed time to regroup from her text as I saw my mother waving at me from the window above the driveway. I tried to put her text in terms of Jackson the father, and not Jackson the husband, but any defense she gave him left me shaken.

    ME: ¡°If he was a good person, I would¡¯ve never been in your life. You would¡¯ve never told me all the horrible things he did to you that led me to believe he was a bad person. I¡¯ll let u know.¡±

    She asked me to fight for her¡ªeven encouraged me to be in a situation that would only hurt Jackson, and now she wanted me to believe he wasn¡¯t a bad person? Why did I have to love her so fucking much that when I wanted the truth, I was too weak to seek it? That even after all the horrific things he did to her, he was still not a bad person in her eyes? She didn¡¯t want me to hate him for what he did to her? The hate she relayed to me that allowed me to feel all this misery? All this emptiness? All this loneliness? All after I walked away! How dare she defend him in anyway¡ªthe greatest horror. I tried to look at it from another angle. I wouldn¡¯t want to hate him if she left him¡ªfor Katie and Andrew¡¯s sake I would have to get along with him. How could I rationalize our relationship though if she didn¡¯t think he was a bad person? He essentially broke up another man¡¯s marriage. He cheated on his wife while she was pregnant. Her son almost died from a premature birth .After I considered that Andrew almost died from the stress his infidelities caused Anya, I realized what the kids would learn if I talked to Jackson. It was hard for me to look past what Jackson did to Anya, and the turmoil his infidelities caused in my life after she communicated them to me. I knew men could be pigs, but I wasn¡¯t one of them. Is this what our world had turned into? That men like Jackson got the things they wanted in life, and men like myself got nothing but heartache? I found myself suddenly sucked into the darkest of black holes, torn apart from life by love¡ªit even made my mother¡¯s illness and the loss of my career feel like nothing at all. My head was no longer in this game of life¡ªI felt truly disconnected from the human race. All I could think of was how I¡¯d manage without hope in this world. How the only time something so beautiful felt so right was only because it was an illusion. All of what I deemed to be a miracle, was pure delusion. I didn¡¯t know what to hold onto anymore. Did I hold on to what I had in Anya, accepting her form of love, or did I hold on to a belief that things were too good to be true, clutching only death?

    ANYA: ¡°I should go see my dad soon. Let me know if you can call me. I would like to hear your voice. U ok?¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m trying my best. R u?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m sad. Still crying. Can¡¯t help it. Have to clean up before I see my dad.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Me too.¡±

    She usually read me the riot act whenever I lost it, but not this time. Over the last eighteen months, I tried to hide these feelings from her¡ªthat I wanted her situation to change so I could trust her like I did when we first met. If she made me a promise, even if it didn¡¯t happen, I¡¯d at least be able to trust in her love at times I struggled. One of the reasons I loved her was how she gripped her lack of a promise. Especially at a time like this when she could be tempted to make me a promise just to stave me off from confronting Jackson. There was some honesty in the things she did tell me. I was glad she didn¡¯t feel compelled to make a promise because I wouldn¡¯t have accepted it after this pressure filled exchange. If I had confronted him, I would never tell him details of what we shared. I would¡¯ve told him we love each other and I think he should know that wasn¡¯t going to change because of his infidelities. Then, when I thought of Katie and Andrew, I couldn¡¯t bring myself to do it. I guess I just wanted to feel in control of something but if it only inspired Anya to give up on us. I couldn¡¯t throw two years of my life away in that way. I just wanted her to see my struggle and why I questioned her love at times. Even though she texted some things I didn¡¯t appreciate¡ªthey never left me convinced she still loved him especially if she planned to hold on to my necklace. The necklace was the only way to know she loved me. I found her reasons to hold onto it forever, no matter what I did to her, a genuine way of telling me she still loved me¡ªthat I still had something to lose. I don¡¯t know what she expected from me at this point, but I had to give her credit¡ªshe made me a priority and tried to iron this out with me. She didn¡¯t run off like she did in the past. She faced the music, and even accepted it. I didn¡¯t threaten to talk to Jackson to get her to make a promise to me¡ªI felt I had already lost her love and had nothing to lose when I told her I planned to confront her husband. I felt she betrayed me and she celebrated her wedding anniversary, but I couldn¡¯t even prove that. I loved her too much to not believe her. Even with her back to the wall, she found a way to be civil through it all, even as it broke her heart. It became clear on this day that I had to make one of two choices¡ªget help or run for my life.

    ME: ¡°When I said I won¡¯t ever believe in love again, I said it because even though there are other women out there, I know there are no other Anyas. I have dreamt of our love. The way you look at me. Smile at me. Kiss me. I¡¯m forever done. Never the divorcee, always the widower.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°You¡¯re making me cry again.¡±

    If what Anya texted me was true¡ªthat she would never be happy again because there would be no chance for us to ever be together, then certainly she could understand how I felt if she stayed with Jackson. I expected a promise from her after all we¡¯ve shared and after all I¡¯ve given. I got involved to be with her and for nothing less. I would be fine being second to her kids but I wanted everything she could give me after them. Although we were in a dishonest relationship, I thought she wanted to be honest and would change things on her own, without any interference from me. And that she would definitely never leave me to feel all I did¡ªeven enough disappointment to feel betrayed by her.

    It broke my heart to put her through this¡ªto not be able to trust her love for me. Too many nights alone with an imagination that ran free in the dark stricken by a paralysis that only left me crippled¡ªwhile she moved freely about had taken its toll on me rendering my nobility as a foolish notion. I didn¡¯t appreciate her defense of Jackson as she made it seem she would not step in the way of him ¡°going after me¡±. She even left me to believe she would even pick up a weapon too against me. If she could only view that as if I did so with the sole intent of hurting her children¡ªto rape them from the source that gave Katie a horse at a times she couldn¡¯t tell a horse from a cat, then how could I trust her to know all I ever remained noble for? The guy who cared about her happiness more than anyone in their family did. Her love only led me to believe that she wanted to be with me and if I couldn¡¯t fight for her, after she asked me to, then what was our love about? To love me so deeply, that it led me to believe she wanted us, nothing should stand in her way¡ªnot even her own kids. I really didn¡¯t want to confront Jackson¡ªit was never in the plan, but he knew who I was. Anya even knew he did, so how could he suddenly morph into the opposite of a bad person? Tell me he¡¯s not a bad father, or a horrible husband, but don¡¯t ever tell me he¡¯s not a bad person. To lump a guy who ruined the marriages of others into the same category as a good person was an insult to every decent human being out there. If Anya was never prepared to see the consequences of her love for me then she had no right to approach me, no right to tell me I broke her heart and definitely no right ask me to fight for her. She made me her hero then changed her mind after I went all in to show her my heroism. The only thing on Anya side was that I wasn¡¯t O.J. Simpson. If she had done this to him? She wouldn¡¯t have seen the light of the next day. Anya needed to come to my defense at this time¡ªnot pour any salt into my wounds by protecting him. The guy who did nothing but take her side on everything and supported her was now the villain because he wanted her to be with him? I had never treated her unfairly but maybe that was the problem? She seemed to respond favorably to men who dishonored and shamed her. With all she told me, shoe now didn¡¯t want the bomb to go off after she already lit the fuse? I tried to look at this at all levels. For all I knew she may have been confused and thought I hated the man enough to hurt him physically¡ªwhy she defended him but that was not the case. I knew he was a father and even if he wasn¡¯t, that¡¯s not the kind of person I was. I defended the people I loved, including myself¡ªthat¡¯s all it was and I expected Anya to do the same. She had to understand his infidelities caused her to tell me she would be with me if she fell for me. I threw my life savings into her account. I didn¡¯t care for him at all¡ªif I did, I wouldn¡¯t have been in her life for a minute. Whenever she defended him, in any way, it would set me off because of how it affected my life. She needed to be very careful and if she planned to defend him, the guy who cheated on his own kids and compensated it with horse ranches and boats instead of helping out with their activities, it would drive me over the edge after I gave her two years of my life. She could tell me he¡¯s not a bad father or provider, but she had no right to tell me he was not a bad person after all she told me that I trusted in. I would only be physical with him, or anyone, in self-defense¡ªI would have to be attacked first. Anya had to take responsibility for the position she put me in¡ªall the feelings her silence allowed me to feel. Problems don¡¯t go away by ignoring them¡ªthey only grow, even fester. I¡¯m a reasonable man even at times I felt out of sorts. She needed to understand why I felt the way I did¡ªwhy I even threatened to talk to him in the first place. If I ever confronted him, I had her kids in mind. I was mature enough to hide the details of our relationship from him¡ªour relationship was about love not sex. If she led me to believe she loved me¡ªthen he deserved to know she did. Maybe Anya had forever, but I didn¡¯t believe tomorrow was promised to anyone. I wanted my life to begin with her¡ªthat¡¯s love. If she didn¡¯t feel the same way then how could I put faith in how she felt? I would feel like any reasonable person would who was in my position¡ªbetrayed. I also didn¡¯t want Jackson to think I cowered in the corner of my room if he ever made the mistake to come knock on my door. The very second, I made the decision to date Anya, I accepted the consequences of that decision if he found out. The one thing I always banked on was that Anya would support me after all she told me about him¡ªto not vouch for and support the man whose actions led her to me. It left me to wonder if she understood the consequences of her decision to see me¡ªor did she think there were none? At least it began to feel that way now every time we texted¡ªI hadn¡¯t heard her voice since she cried in my apartment weeks ago. Anya knew better¡ªshe dated another man before me. She knew from the very beginning what this could lead to, and for her to take Jackson¡¯s side in anyway, after all the horrific things she told me about him, and not protect me¡ªI didn¡¯t feel was fair nor right. A part of me did this too because I wanted to see if she would.

    Although I wasn¡¯t happy with Anya¡¯s protection of Jackson, I chose to look at it as from the point of view as the father to her kids. I gave her the benefit of the doubt as I distressed her and she didn¡¯t have time to really think of what the right words were to respond with. I kept it in the memory banks though as I contemplated how I planned to handle this.

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry for making you cry again. I miss us so bad¡ªall we had.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Me too. Going to be driving soon. Have a good visit w/your parents. Sorry about today and sorry it has to end this way.¡±

    ME: ¡°Have a safe drive. I¡¯m sorry too. Not what I wanted that¡¯s for sure.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Thank you. The thought of never speaking or seeing u ever again in this life time is beyond scary. I hope we can stay in contact but idk how that would be possible after¡­¡±

    Anya¡¯s last set of texts reminded me of the Anya I came to know and love. I guess all I wanted was to feel love and hope from her¡ªsome understanding for the way I felt. When she ignored my text last night, on the weekend of her wedding anniversary, all that kept me together inside broke apart. All in all, each disagreement I ever sparked was because I severely missed her. I couldn¡¯t deny that she spent the entire Father¡¯s Day morning with me and into the early afternoon to help sort this out. It was comforting to know the mere thought of never speaking or seeing from me again in this life time was beyond scary for her¡ªI couldn¡¯t deny I felt the exact same way. It scared me so much because I knew I couldn¡¯t live here without her. After today I knew if I lost her, my life was definitely over. The thing was, if I did take my life¡­it wouldn¡¯t have been her fault at all¡ªjust my admission that the thing I cared about most in life was never to be. If Anya left me after all she allowed and encouraged me to feel, that would just be my confirmation that I didn¡¯t belong in this world¡ªthat I was better suited for another dimension. That maybe being thrown into a loveless world was my punishment from a past life. By taking my life¡ªI¡¯d only fulfill my destiny. I could never hold Anya responsible for a fate laid out to me since the day I was born. If Anya left me, my belief that I¡¯d find true love, was a theory that would have to die as well. While Anya feared the truth¡ªI accepted mine.

    ME: ¡°Who knows? I may disappear forever before he knows.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°What r u talking about?¡±

    I then felt bad about what I texted her because it wasn¡¯t her fault, and backtracked.

    ME: ¡°Nothing. Just feeling depressed. I shouldn¡¯t have text you that. I¡¯m sorry.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Like I said if you must tell him, please do it before you do anything crazy to yourself. I¡¯ll just live with the consequences.¡±

    ME: ¡°That was a selfish stupid thing for me to text. I¡¯m sorry.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m sorry. Please be strong for your mom.¡±

    If I ever chose to kill myself, I would leave a long note for Anya to make sure she never blamed herself. I had always felt cursed from the womb¡ªlike an uninvited guest to the party of life. My only concern was for my mother. If I killed myself¡ªI¡¯d only take her life with me at a time she fought for hers. She even found the strength to wear a smile everyday just so my Father and I wouldn¡¯t worry about her and feel sad. I may have looked more like my mother on the outside, but I didn¡¯t have her same spirit within me. My mother was a truly noble person, and I fell way short in that area even when I tried.

    I went into this morning to take the bull by the horns and gain control of my emotions, but by the end of the night I only felt more discombobulated. I either hoped to end all hope between us or to have it renewed, but by the end, I felt more hopeless and defeated as ever. The goal was never to make her cry but I should¡¯ve known better how it would make me feel if she did. I had to be honest with the way her weekend made me feel, to find myself again, but I now felt more lost than ever. With less than a month away to my promotion, a chance at a new life she didn¡¯t know I could give her, I had to find a way to hold on to us. I blindsided her this morning with my threat to talk to Jackson, and I now had to find a way to repair the trust I damaged. I honestly didn¡¯t view it as a threat when I made it known. I never told her ¡°Anya be with me or else I will talk to Jackson¡±! It was only said to gauge her reaction¡ªto see if she loved me or him. When she told me, he wasn¡¯t a ¡°bad¡± person, she gave me what I wanted to hear, but also the thing I was too weak to handle. After that, I didn¡¯t deem it necessary to confront him at all¡ªeven though I never truly considered it. I only told her I¡¯d talk to him to see if she would tell me the truth about why she didn¡¯t know. Yes, they would hurt my feelings if I knew, but at least I had the truth and could accept an end to our relationship. To know she never believed in our love. Even to know she still loved him and this wasn¡¯t solely for the sake of the kids, I felt it would help me accept my fate quicker. To know that in the end, I didn¡¯t break her heart¡ªthat there was nothing else I could¡¯ve done. I guess a part of me wanted Jackson to hurt the way I did as I felt this pain belonged to him, not to me. Why should I be carrying things he should be feeling?

    What she did to me was wrong, but at the same time, a month from now, things could be different. I found it right to accept responsibility and hold myself accountable for what I felt I should. I loved her, but our fallout only now allowed my past to haunt me more than ever before. The truth was I didn¡¯t love myself at all, and maybe it wasn¡¯t fair to love Anya without trying to. It didn¡¯t mean to love myself where I put myself before her, but to feel good enough about myself so she didn¡¯t receive this kind of grief from me ever again. I felt my past punished her at times unfairly, but her past with Jackson also punished me the same way.

    When I got home after spending time with my Father on Father¡¯s Day, I sat in my recliner when I got home and revisited our text exchange. The more I read, the more my emotions overwhelmed me as I feared that I lost her forever. I then tried to keep hope alive, even beyond reason at this point, and sent her a series of texts to explain the reason for my emotional breakdown.

    ME: ¡°A month ago when you told me you ¡°I trusted you with my heart¡±, that really upset me that day. I would like to explain why. Every night when I go to bed, I think about what is going on at your home. Even right now I think about it. For 18 plus months and counting, I have hurt most every single night and it¡¯s not going to stop even if you left me¡ªI¡¯m sorry to say. The pain of knowing the one you love, the one who loves you, is lying next to someone else. You can¡¯t imagine how crazy that has made me because I know what it¡¯s like to lie next to you and it hurts.¡±

    ME: ¡°Every day I use your pen, I write in my journal, I look at your beautiful pictures, I read your thoughtful cards, and I¡¯ve been nothing but 100% loyal to you even in my thoughts. Even in my thoughts, Anya. Trusting me with your heart was always the one thing you could count on me for¡ªunless there are things I¡¯m unaware of that you were referring to.¡±

    ME: ¡°The silence over the last month from you was really hard on me. Yes, I deserved it to some extent, but I felt it was mostly undeserved. I thought you would be more understanding of my struggles and would propose a better remedy to resolve the issues I have when I miss you terribly. Instead you did something that only intensified my longing for you. All I¡¯ve been doing for the last month was absorb myself at work and hope I could do a good job when you dominate my every thought¡ªhoping to find a way to make you see why I feel the way I do without hitting you out of left field with all the things I¡¯m feeling.¡±

    ME: ¡°When you didn¡¯t text me back last night, and I get the cold shoulder from you¡ªit was only bound to drive me to tell you things I did today b/c of all the hurt inside. Ignoring me and threatening to let me go only intensifies it because I don¡¯t expect that from the person who loves me¡ªonly from a person who doesn¡¯t. Just like the words of the song ¡°If I can¡¯t have you¡± says-- ¡°go crazy is what I will do¡± and ¡°my life would end¡±. All those things I feel because that¡¯s love. I¡¯m not saying you¡¯re not hurting too and I know it¡¯s not easy on you too, but you have distractions I wish I had. I don¡¯t just say things, Anya to say them¡ªI genuinely feel them. Love is not a game of politics¡ªyou have to say what you mean and mean what you say.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m not a mean guy. I¡¯m a really nice guy but this happens to me time after time again to me in my life. It¡¯s gotten to the point that I¡¯m sick of it. I expect to feel these things from someone who didn¡¯t love me but never from someone who does. For some reason whenever I¡¯m compassionate towards women¡ªI pay a price for it. My kindness is seen as weakness and not as a strength¡ªI thought you would appreciate that after all you¡¯ve been through with a person you don¡¯t want me to think is a bad person, but if you wanted me to believe that, you should¡¯ve told me that when we met, not eighteen months later. I¡¯m tired of my kind compassionate heart being taken advantage of, and it hurts to know the only woman who I thought would appreciate that in me really doesn¡¯t at all. If all women think I¡¯m too good to be true all because I give them my heart and respect them¡ªthen I¡¯m cursed and my fate has already been determined and sealed long before I ever met you.¡±

    ME: ¡°I think what has happened over time is my disdain for him as your husband grew because my feelings grew for you as well. The more I saw your pain and how much you struggled, the more I wanted you to leave him so I could rescue you. Your situation has infected me, and. I thought if I confronted him, the situation would have a better chance of changing, if you truly loved me and end this infection. I¡¯m not looking to devastate people¡ªI¡¯m just trying to get through this. I would like to believe that you would never hurt me on purpose or betray my trust, so I would rather seek some professional help to sort this out in my head rather than confront anyone about it. You¡¯re right¡ªif that would hurt you and your kids, then it¡¯s something I can¡¯t do. I have read your texts over and over today and have done nothing but cry for you. I truly love you and you should know by now the last thing I would ever want to do is hurt your kids. Don¡¯t tell him anything please¡ªI don¡¯t plan on telling him anything. I¡¯m going to get help. I love you.¡±

    All I could do was hold what remaining breaths I had, and hoped her heart, the one who appeared on this day, would appear the next morning. On a day she was historically quiet, the worst day possible¡ªa Monday.

 CHAPTER 8 ~ DISMANTLED

    ¡°They spun a web for me¡±

    ~ "Trouble" Cold Play

    ANYA: ¡°Ok, so obviously I didn¡¯t sleep last nite. I hope I don¡¯t fall running this morn. I cried when I read your texts and I¡¯ll explain later why.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ok so first of all, I¡¯m not ok. I was really taken back yesterday but I understand you were very upset. Idk what set it off. I sat my purse down and helped out.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°My brother had 120 people at the party and it was at a hotel w/tons of kids, elders I had to attend to. My parents, etc. I had to hold my niece all night.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I attended the ¡°kids¡± activities tables, made sure all the little kids were entertained, made sure my kids were fed and engaging etc. Didn¡¯t even eat myself.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°It was a big deal. I stayed after to help clean up and load up their cars and my car w/gifts, decorations etc. I had to drive over to theirs. I was wiped out.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I told you a year and a half ago if I don¡¯t respond it¡¯s b/c I can¡¯t for some reason not b/c I want to ignore you. I have basic human respect and courtesy.¡±

    After I read her texts, I felt bad, but let¡¯s face it¡ªthat was her mission. She was right and I had to be wrong about everything I ever felt. I don¡¯t know why she didn¡¯t tell me this yesterday, instead it only made me wonder why she waited until this morning. Again, she never mentioned anything to her ¡®best friend¡± about her niece¡¯s birthday party? One as large as this one? I couldn¡¯t believe it. The truth of the matter still ruled my head; I¡¯ve lost trust in Anya. Even as hard it would be to believe that the details divulged suggested she wasn¡¯t making this up, I still questioned if this was the truth only because she chose to share it now. If she had text this to me yesterday, I would¡¯ve trusted it, but maybe this is also what she wanted to tell me over the phone, and not have to type out. In fairness, I hit her with something yesterday that was pretty emotional and maybe she just didn¡¯t get around to telling me the details. The bottom line was this¡ªif I didn¡¯t trust Anya, then it was clear I had to do either one of two things. One, just end things for good or two, trust her and seek counseling. Her texts made me feel somewhat delusional, as if I made the scenario up in my head, but it¡¯s a ¡°learned behavior¡± now. It broke my heart to use her words against her, but couldn¡¯t she see the hypocrisy in them at all? When she defended her husband, I questioned it. When she told me she hadn¡¯t kissed him since she met me, I questioned it because she told me she never kissed him when we met¡ªthat also led me to believe she wasn¡¯t engaging in any sexual activity with him. After my horrible luck with love, I put my entire trust in her. I know she wanted to pursue a relationship with me, but if she planned to omit things about her life, she loved me to mislead me if she stayed for any reason. Could she not understand how she wronged me at all? Could she not see how her truth by omission was not telling me the truth at the beginning? Anya was like a lawyer who exhibited half truths to win a case. This was a tactic from her that left me horribly changed inside. Not only was I losing my faith in love, I was losing the willingness to trust another woman ever again.

    ANYA: ¡°I shouldn¡¯t have to defend myself.¡±

    ME: ¡°No, but a lot has changed between us over the last year and a half. There are more feelings and emotions involved now, and you have to be sensitive to that too.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I know u wonder about what goes on at home b/c I wonder too. We are not together anymore and I¡¯m trying to accept that. Only time will heal and tell.¡±

    ME: ¡°It¡¯s not the same, Anya. I¡¯ve told you over the last 18 months, there¡¯s only you in my heart even if you consider us ¡°not together¡±. That doesn¡¯t change at all. You have no worry there. Do you honestly think I can just jump in bed with someone else after all we¡¯ve shared? You know how much I love you. If I didn¡¯t love you I would never give you grief about anything. On the other hand, I know what goes on at your home, and it¡¯s hard on me when you choose to stay for any reason. It raised questions in my head.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Every time I feel better about us and start letting my guard down you blast me with something which totally blows me away.¡±

    ME: ¡°Maybe you should have been completely upfront with me about everything when we met and not after I fell in love with you if you didn¡¯t want to be ¡°blasted¡±? I feel you hid a lot of stuff and I shouldn¡¯t have been required to ask when I didn¡¯t know what to ask. I counted on you to lead me in the right direction. I didn¡¯t think that being together would ever hurt the kids. You¡¯ve had kids when you saw Lance. They were there before we reconnected. I don¡¯t understand. Why would I want to be in that position? A position where my happiness would also equate to their sorrow? Why would I put myself in a position to have another broken heart? Why would I even want to put you in this position? So I could just feel loved? To say I ¡°blast¡± you knowing this is grossly unfair to say.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I did trust you with my heart. I don¡¯t mean just being faithful. Know what it feels like to hurt and wonder someone else lying next to someone u want. U know that.¡±

    ME: ¡°Sweetheart, there¡¯s no one lying next to me though. That¡¯s the difference. You know that.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I trusted you w/everything. I still trust you but I¡¯m weary and you can¡¯t blame me. You told me you wouldn¡¯t tell him so we can take a chance at it. I took that chance.¡±

    ME: ¡°What chance babe? The chance he would give you a choice? Do you remember telling me you told Debbie ¡°I¡¯ll be okay, I love Landyn¡± if he knew that you loved me? Do you remember your text to me? My question is this. What husband, if he knew his wife was unhappy because of him, would want her to remain unhappy if he truly loves her? What man?¡±

    Anya just didn¡¯t seem to understand where I stood. She did trust me with a lot of things, and I never intended to tell Jackson about anything we shared. That was not the plan at all. In fact, I never had a single thought of telling him anything until I lost trust in Anya¡ªwhen she appeared to misrepresent her situation to me, opting to let me find out on my own. I took a chance with her as much as she took a chance with me. How could she possibly believe I¡¯m seeing someone else when I¡¯m giving her all this grief? The thing that bothered me was how could she not understand how I could question things being so in love with her and knowing I¡¯ve held on this long because I was afraid to lose her? It seemed she thought I as delusional and irrational to think the way I did, but I¡¯ve been lied to in the past and left behind as if I never existed. When I began to consider that maybe I was crazy, there was no escape from the gaslight that shone upon me. After our conversation the prior day, I knew I would never talk to Jackson¡ªthere¡¯s no way I could ever do that to her. I only said it in the hope she would decide to be honest with him or me. I was starting to learn though it seemed, if Jackson ever found out about us, she would stay with him, and not be with me by her inability to answer a simple question as if she was a press secretary.

    ANYA: ¡°Telling him is something I¡¯ve accepted now. You have threatened me with it and I have given it up to God. It¡¯s out of my control and I¡¯m not scared.¡±

    ME: ¡°Why would you be scared after an 18-month relationship with me? Why does him finding out scare you? I told you I wouldn¡¯t tell him. If I had any plans to do so, I would have done it a long time ago.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°If you¡¯re going to do it, I just ask that you tell me when so I can check into a hotel w/my kids for a nite or two. I don¡¯t want my kids to get scared. Then I¡¯d just have to beg for forgiveness and not tell the kids. You¡¯d just give him more power against me b/c he¡¯d have that to use. It would only hurt me and the kids.¡±

    One of those texts I couldn¡¯t believe I had just read. ¡°beg for forgiveness¡±? After all we¡¯ve shared? After all he had ever put her through, she would beg him for forgiveness? I couldn¡¯t tell you was crazier; Jackson or Anya? Why would she not tell him the truth? She told me our relationship and love represented goodness, and it did. He would then tell the kids on her? Anya loved me. What was his excuse for wrecking another man¡¯s marriage? After I heard this, there would be no way if I ever told Jackson, I¡¯d give Anya the heads up. I feared she would protect Jackson and not protect herself. I wanted the kids to see the real Jackson, and the real Anya. But again, I refused to put her in a position to be hurt even as she put me in the position only to be hurt, the position I was in right now. A position I trusted her love to never put me in. She then laid it on thick, with a little manipulation, and a dash of politics.

    ANYA: ¡°So as your best friend, I just ask if you can tell me when so I can plan on removing them for the night.¡±

    Her texts were hard for me to digest, so I remained silent. They bothered me so much I couldn¡¯t promise her as much as she couldn¡¯t promise me anything. I didn¡¯t want her to hurt, but I wanted her to see my world just as much as she saw hers as she continued to text me.

    ANYA: ¡°I know you¡¯re not a mean guy. One of the reasons I cried was b/c your texts showed me the sweet guy that I know and that I fell in love with. I didn¡¯t know you yesterday.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°You tell me all these kinds of things happen to you over and over but we were not ¡°these kind of things¡±. It was beyond that. It was so special and out of this world.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m not just another girl who ¡°disrespected¡± your heart. I truly love you. I took a chance with my inexperienced heart. My heart was out there along with yours.¡±

    Not quite.

    ME: ¡°It¡¯s just different Anya. There is nothing for me to fall back on. if it doesn¡¯t work out, you have your kids. You have something. I have nothing but complete darkness to fall back on. I¡¯m not saying this for you to feel sorry for me. I don¡¯t want sympathy. I¡¯m just saying, you do have something at the very least to fall back on. I¡¯m not minimizing your heartache, babe because I know how you feel. I have seen it in your tears. I felt the pain in your stomach because I¡¯ve felt that same pain many times, almost every night. I see you in pain and I know how you feel. I know you laid it on the line for me too, but it¡¯s is much easier for you to rebound from because of your kids. You will only prove that to me over time. I know I¡¯m right about this. I trusted you to know love is more than just a word. That it¡¯s a verb before it can become a noun. Even my inexperienced heart knew that much.¡±

    I trusted in Anya¡¯s pain. In her heartbreak with Jackson. That she loved him at one time as much as she loved me, but apparently, I was wrong. I did find it astonishing, the day I decided to act like a ¡°mean¡± guy, she couldn¡¯t stop responding to me as she started to text me again.

    ANYA: ¡°I respect your mom. I felt this strange connection with her. When I met you the first time you told me she was suffering from cancer and that you¡¯re helping to take care of her.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Idk if you remember but when I saw you again the second time around, I asked how your mom was doing I never forgot her illness and you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Of course I haven¡¯t forgotten about Abalone Cove. I made Carolyn promise me and she has all the info. I told you that. What we had was very special.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m not going to ever forget what we¡¯ve shared. I thank God everyday for what was given to us. I really tried and took a chance.¡±

    She thanked God but she looked at our love as hurting kids? Her words didn¡¯t make sense to me. I also didn¡¯t like the past tense Anya used and it set me off again inside¡ªshe just could never could understand my pain. Then again, maybe she used the past tense because she knew I could only take so much and it was said in the past tense out of respect. She could thank God for the pain she felt, but I surely didn¡¯t appreciate it. I made every effort before our relationship began to not be in this position¡ªto see what my eyes did on my cell phone screen. It even felt like she had planned this all. That she went in half-heartedly and never full heartedly as she led me to believe. I didn¡¯t want her ashes at all¡ªI wanted her. Although I know she didn¡¯t intend to be mean in her words, that¡¯s the only way I could interpret them as she took a lot more than two years of my life by her willingness to beg a man who cheated on her several times for forgiveness. Her words dismantled me enough to want to end this joke of a life. I know she cared, but at the same time her words seemed to suggest the tears she cried were from the eyes of a crocodile as she then took her texts to a whole other level.

    ANYA: ¡°The other reason I cried was b/c of what you said about my kids and my parenting. I didn¡¯t have much growing up but love. I was showered with love from my parents.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Just b/c I had love didn¡¯t mean I didn¡¯t envy other friends with ¡°things¡±. We didn¡¯t have the means to go and get what we wanted. It always made me sad.¡±

    When I read her second text, I could see how great her parents were, but Anya¡¯s ¡°envy¡± was the thing that led her to Jackson. If I had any doubts she was there for the money, her text turned a theory into fact¡ªmaterial things and the means to obtain these things were more important than love. Did she still love her husband because he provides these things to her kids? So was that the reason she will ¡°beg for his forgiveness¡±, after she told me money and things didn¡¯t lead to happiness? The only sad part to me as I read her texts, was how intact her little girl thinking still was. Maybe she just meant to share this to let me know why she got caught in Jackson¡¯s web, but my heart was so involved, it affected me. Her texts weren¡¯t meant to take a direct shot at me, but their intent was to notify me in an indirect way that her kids would not have the means to go and get what they wanted if she was with me. As any man would, I took it personally because she claimed to love me. I remained silent and read as she divulged her parenting philosophy.

    ANYA: ¡°I know you¡¯re right that they get a lot. I guess I give them more b/c I have unresolved issues as a little girl not being able to have everything my friends had.¡±

    ME: ¡°You told me ¡°money and things don¡¯t lead to happiness¡±. Weren¡¯t these issues already resolved when you met me? Why are you choosing to not teach your kids that? Were your parents poor?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°We were not dirt poor but if my parents had more to give they would have. What parent wouldn¡¯t? It¡¯s just nature.¡±

    ME: ¡°ok.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°What u don¡¯t know is that they are really good kids and that I¡¯m tough on them. In return for spoiling them they have to give their 100% in life. They get straight A¡¯s except for Katie¡¯s final year in grade school but she was able to reflect and recognize at her tender years to not make those mistakes. They recycle and make money, they sell their old things online to generate money, they do chores to make money and give to charity. They give 100% to their sport of choice. They never fight. They respect their friends. They try to save money whenever they can by researching. They really r good kids. I¡¯m not trying to justify my actions but they do deserve some credit.¡±

    ME: ¡°I think they¡¯re great kids. I think you¡¯re a great mom too. I never questioned that at all.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m going to quit now. I almost told him last nite. Just know that I still talk to you b/c I love you, not b/c I¡¯m scared. Just remember our moments.¡±

    After I read her last text, I now feared her love only existed for me because it was a secret. That she referred to me as her ¡°best friend¡± only to lead me into guilt if I ever questioned it. That her love for me was now as a friend, not a lover and leaving me to feel more misled than ever before. After she finished her texts, I tried to focus on work but an hour later she texted me again¡ªeven though it didn¡¯t matter, I lost all focus anyway.

    ANYA: ¡°Sorry for the long messages. I wish u well. I love you to the Abalone Cove and beyond.¡±

    There was no greater schism that existed between her long texts¡ªfull of excuses not to be with me. And my long texts¡ªfull of nothing but love for her. I guess she felt emboldened to send me long texts if they were done in the past tense, yet I had to look upon them as acts of great love for me when they didn¡¯t feel like love at all. Whatever love remained in her heart for me was in the past and what remained was a fight for my demotion because she allowed and encouraged me to fall deeply in love with her. She didn¡¯t want me to hate her because she feared her kids would find out the truth about our love, and to me. that wasn¡¯t the Anya I knew and fell in love with. The Anya I knew and fell in love with disappeared months ago without me even realizing it. If she truly loved me, if she truly ever wanted to be with me, she wouldn¡¯t just promise me one day. She would make it happen, and she certainly would never say ¡°I wish you well¡± and make me feel I was only worthy of her ashes.

    ANYA: ¡°Did I make sense? U ok?¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m ok. What do you think he would do to you if you feel the need to get a hotel room? Why isn¡¯t he taking responsibility for any of this?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°He wouldn¡¯t do anything. Just don¡¯t want the kids to hear our discussions and/or arguments. Would need him to think first before he speaks. No, he knows it¡¯s his fault.¡±

    When Anya texted me this, I better understood the process, but if she planned to tell him, she had to tell him nothing less than the truth and all she ever allowed and encouraged me to feel. He should also know about Abalone Cove as well. And that¡¯s what I feared; he would only receive Anya¡¯s lies, and not an ounce of the truth. If what she did plan to tell him was the truth though, I deserved the right to know. I would settle for her telling him nothing less than the complete truth.

    ANYA: ¡°Sorry about all the typos earlier. Was emotional and crying ¨C couldn¡¯t see. Ha!¡±

    ME: ¡°You did just fine. Didn¡¯t even notice.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Thank you.¡±

    ME: ¡°How were you going to tell your husband?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Idk. I was just going to start and let things take its course.¡±

    ME: ¡°Ok. I was just curious. I¡¯m glad you didn¡¯t. Sorry to put you in that position.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°We don¡¯t really communicate but this would force me to communicate more which I don¡¯t want. I guess it would be an opportunity to talk.¡±

    Only in the world of the wealthy, did a marriage like this exist. Did Anya really want the same kind of marriage for both Katie and Andrew? One with zero communication?

    ME: ¡°Why wouldn¡¯t you want to communicate with him?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Want to communicate? You know why. It will force me to open up and resolve my anger. He will look at it as we¡¯re even now and let¡¯s start fresh and solid.¡±

    ME: ¡°Ok.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°The thing is my anger will not be resolved. You know what I want. I don¡¯t want him to take this as an opportunity to make things all nice.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Well ¡°If¡± I were to leave one day I wouldn¡¯t have that for him to use against me. I could always say I¡¯m still angry. If I tell him I¡¯m stuck for good.¡±

    More confused than ever, I began to feel bad for the way I interpreted her texts. If her anger would never be resolved, why would and how could she stay? Anya fell in love with another man, unlike Jackson who went and had sex with several different women. Why couldn¡¯t she justify our love on those grounds? Was this love not worth fighting for? Maybe she still loved me more than a friend and I let my past get in the way of it, but would she really be ¡°stuck for good¡± if he knew? Why couldn¡¯t she believe in the goodness of our love if she were to leave? How could she have shared all she did with me, knowing her anger would never be resolved, and not vouch for me and the reason I was in her life? People left marriages for other people all the time, and most of the time it was for a lot less of a relationship than Anya and I had. I didn¡¯t know what to think as my heart weighed in the balance.

    ME: ¡°What is it you want?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Happiness but don¡¯t want to hurt the kids. You know all this Landyn. It hasn¡¯t changed. Still ¡°don¡¯t know¡±. Don¡¯t get me wrong. I¡¯m not trying to give you hope. No way.¡±

    She didn¡¯t want to give me hope? Didn¡¯t she already do that by the way she chose to love me? Didn¡¯t she want the pressure to stop? Why would she allow someone to feel so much for her and tell them ¡°I¡¯m not trying to give you hope¡±? Was I not her hope too? I guess after all we went through yesterday, it was something she didn¡¯t want to inspire in me because I might break down emotionally again. Here, I didn¡¯t want her to walk on eggshells and she obliges and I feel crushed by what she sent me.

    ANYA: ¡°The minute he finds out I will surrender my phone over to him. I¡¯d have to get a new number.¡±

    ME: ¡°Why couldn¡¯t you just reply to my text to let me know all you were doing at your niece¡¯s party so all my craziness could have been avoided?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Maybe b/c I was too upset to reply. It doesn¡¯t matter now. You say you won¡¯t say anything and I believe you but it doesn¡¯t matter. I¡¯m pretty numb now. I give it to God.¡±

    ME: ¡°I told you I¡¯m not going to tell him anything, and I mean it. I¡¯m going to seek professional help. I think I need to.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Do you have someone in mind?¡±

    ME: ¡°Not yet, but I¡¯ll let you know.¡±

    Upset about what? Asking her if she had other plans for the weekend? Was I wrong about all I felt? Was I not being fair to her? Was I ¡°blasting¡± her for what others have done to me in the past? Although accepting a demotion to friend was impossible, maybe there was a way I could save our love by looking inside first before I looked outside? I loved Anya more than life itself, and I didn¡¯t want to hurt her ever again, let alone feel I needed to talk to Jackson. If her anger would never be resolved, an anger she admitted still existed, then I needed to fight off my ill feelings about the status of our relationship.

    Later that evening, Anya sent me a text to get me caught up on her daily events.

    ANYA: ¡°They just won the city championship game. Just wanted you to know.¡±

    ME: ¡°Happy for Andrew and his teammates. I hope you¡¯re ok over there.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m not totally ok. Miss our friendship.¡±

    ME: ¡°I miss it too, babe.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I know you said friendship is not good enough and you won¡¯t accept that but I hope we can at least be ¡°friends¡± one day. I don¡¯t want to lose you. It¡¯s me, u know. It¡¯s ok if you¡¯re not okay with it.¡±

    ME: ¡°Maybe one day.¡±

    I recalled the time when Anya told me ¡°maybe one day¡± in regards to us being together. I remembered how it hurt she didn¡¯t know, so I couldn¡¯t say my response didn¡¯t have a tinge of wanting her to know how it feels in it. I guess she felt I pushed her away by wanting her to be something she couldn¡¯t be right now and for me not to accept a friendship left her to feel abandoned and hopeless. After all, women were different than men, but my heart was broken when she pulled away because it seemed she misrepresented her situation to me¡ªlikely why she chose to date me because I wasn¡¯t in her inner circle of friends, like Lance was. Anya¡¯s response to talk to her husband, seemed like he had never done her wrong a day in her life, a scary feeling for me. It led me to feel trapped because of the enormous feelings I had for her. At lease enough to know if I lost her, I would lose my life as well. I trusted her love for me. I trusted her pain. I trusted her tears. I trusted her actions and words. I trusted they would never leave me in the current position I was in, or to ever feel the need to talk to her husband. I sensed she wanted to dodge any responsibility for the way I felt, even when she told me she felt responsible for taking two years of my life. I wanted to believe in her love for me more than the belief she didn¡¯t love me. I would not be satisfied with a friendship, and if she wanted marriage support from me, she wouldn¡¯t get it after all she allowed and encouraged me to feel. To let me go, to threaten that Jackson would ¡°come after me¡± was inconsistent with the love we shared. I was torn now too¡ªbetween being angry with her indecision¡ªher reckless way of loving me, and wanting to give her the benefit of the doubt¡ªto be grateful for her love. I wanted to feel the latter, but felt buried alive by her willingness to stay with a man whose complete disregard for her heart brought her to me.

    I sent Anya a text the next morning, trying to ease her mind about my threat to talk to Jackson. I thought it would be a way to learn the truth she refused to give me, but I didn¡¯t think I¡¯d lose her if I did so, and I wanted to believe in her love even as the signs pointed the other way.

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m starting to notice it seems your mood depends on how we¡¯re doing. I hope you believe me when I say I¡¯m not going to talk to your husband. I am serious about working on me and seeking help to make sense of all these feelings I have.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°You¡¯re right about my mood. I¡¯m surprised you¡¯re just realizing it. It doesn¡¯t matter how much or what you tell him. In no way is it good but like I said, do it if you must.¡±

    ME: ¡°I have no plans to do so and never have before. I¡¯m sorry I even mentioned it. If I really wanted to do it, I¡¯d have already done it by now.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m happy when we¡¯re good but when you¡¯re upset with me, I run b/c I feel like the cause.¡±

    ME: ¡°I don¡¯t mean to be critical of the way you¡¯re raising your kids. I¡¯ve seen how his parents ended up causing him more bad than good. Mitch¡¯s parents in a way screwed him up, and I don¡¯t want the same to happen to you. Mitch used to be a straight ¡®A¡¯ student too and looked what happened to him.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°As far as raising my kids, in no way do I want to use SE as an example. I have other stories of friends and family members and SE is not whom I refer back to.¡±

    In Anya¡¯s mind she was the perfect mom, and Jackson was the perfect dad, yet I couldn¡¯t understand how they both could let Katie go to sleep at night blaming herself for the problems they had in their marriage. Anya was a fantastic parent, but if Jackson didn¡¯t have the kind of living that could provide their kids with rewards for their chores, there was no way she¡¯d stay for their sake. I was up against Jackson¡¯s money and she should¡¯ve been honest with me about that from the beginning. They should strive to do well in school TO do well in school, and the most valuable lessons they learned in life wouldn¡¯t come from a textbook. She put her kids in this safe space, and now I¡¯m the one who wants them to be insecure because of the love she encouraged and allowed me to feel for her? I was beginning to realize that the man she claimed to love was comparable to a serial killer when it came to her kids. If I had made her feel that way, and the roles were reverse d, she would make me fully aware of the holes in my parenting skills. I couldn¡¯t tell if she was a parent or a friend most of the time. I would think if she had any plans to be with me, she would¡¯ve taken Mitch¡¯s story into consideration and not quickly dismiss it. Anything that could give us hope, if she truly loved me the way she led me to believe, would¡¯ve not been so quickly shot down. Then again, without the golden goose, how would her kids be bribed to get good grades? He made her a respected mother in the eyes of her children and she would lose the reward system she had in place for her kids¡ªone of the reasons she stayed. It made me realize the true measure of a great parent¡ªbeing able to have your kids get great grades without the promise of a trip to Cabo, Imacs with twenty-four-inch screens, or another horse. What Anya needed to realize, the way she chose to raise her kids affected me; another thing she conveniently left out when we met.

    ANYA: ¡°As a parent you do what you think is best for them given no previous experience. In no way am I claiming to be an expert but I try to do the best possible.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°All I can do is the best job possible and hope for the best. You can¡¯t map out a child¡¯s life and expect a certain outcome. It¡¯s a chance you take.¡±

    It was evident, the chance she took only existed because of the reward system Jackson provided. To be with me would take away the reward system, the real reason she stayed for the sake of the kids.If you stumble upon this narrative on Amazon, it''s taken without the author''s consent. Report it.

    ANYA: ¡°There are no algorithms to follow for raising a child a certain way and the outcome guaranteed. This is all new for me. I was still a ¡°kid¡± when I had them.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m not a bad person and in no way perfect. I try in life, I take chances, I learn along the way and take what life deals my way.¡±

    Now she was suddenly ¡°not a bad person¡±, a phrase she used to describe her husband and the comparison rattled me inside. I felt bad that Anya felt like she had to defend herself, but maybe she knew the way she raised them was something that she couldn¡¯t change¡ªthat she acknowledged the choices she made to raise them is why she broke my heart? If the roles were reversed, she would find naturally find holes in my parenting skills because of all I allowed and encouraged her to feel for me. I wasn¡¯t trying to hurt her, but trying to get her to understand how her parenting skills kept us from being together¡ªa blockade I never expected to encounter. As far as taking chance in life are concerned, we all do that to some degree, but you never try to take chances with someone else¡¯s heart in the mix¡ªyou only take chances in life that would affect you, not others. I don¡¯t think she considered how her texts came off as selfish, and I¡¯m sure if she did, she wouldn¡¯t have sent them. There was just no empathy in them at all for how I felt¡ªjust sympathy for herself. I didn¡¯t want to respond to her texts¡ªtoo afraid to write the wrong thing.

    ANYA: ¡°I didn¡¯t go out to meet anyone two years ago. I didn¡¯t want to take a chance when we met, it just happened. I didn¡¯t want to hurt you or myself.¡±

    If this was true then why didn¡¯t she tell me this in the beginning so I could make the best decision for myself? Less than twenty four hours earlier, she communicated that she ¡°really really wanted to change things¡±. Why didn¡¯t she tell me that the gross infidelities didn¡¯t matter because without Jackson, there would be no reward system for her kids to be successful in life? Jackson had been so emotionally and mentally abusive to this woman, she seemed to transform into a version of the same monster. The Anya I knew and loved began to dissipate before my very eyes, announcing the arrival of the real Anya who believed money and things did lead to happiness. It felt Jackson¡¯s emotionally abusive ways towards her were now being transferred to me. With every text she sent, it seemed she never felt the way she led me to believe she did.

    ANYA: ¡°I didn¡¯t know what was happening except that my heart went with what felt right at the time I¡¯m crushed just like you are. It¡¯s just not about you.¡±

    The difference was this¡ªshe broke my heart with all she failed to make me aware of when we met and, in my mind, there was no excuse for it. She was a forty-year-old woman, not a twenty-year-old woman¡ªshe knew what she was doing. It seemed to be an admission that she does whatever she wants and if anyone gets hurt, oh well, I hurt too so it¡¯s all good. Take away her home; kids and friends, then she would truly understand how selfish her words were. When I read ¡°with what felt right at the time¡± it made me sick. It¡¯s not that she loved me that hurt, it¡¯s that she allowed me to love her without restraint. Again, I decided to keep quiet and let her continue to dig her own grave. Her reckless disregard for my heart, considering only her own, made it seem she had never been hurt by her husband a day in her life. I didn¡¯t doubt she was crushed, but as much as I was? She didn¡¯t fight for me¡ªher texts nothing but a clinic in fighting against me.

    ANYA: ¡°My life has been turned upside down and I¡¯m in a deep hole I can¡¯t get out of. I¡¯m reminded everyday by my kids that they need me. I¡¯m reminded of my sadness.¡±

    The hole she never made me aware of in the beginning. The hole that was she referred to as baggage was the hole she threw me in¡ªthe day she allowed and encouraged me to fall deeply in love with her that I couldn¡¯t get out of. Then, just when I thought I heard it all, she hit me with another jab.

    ANYA: ¡°Yes I¡¯m older than you but that doesn¡¯t mean I have all the answers. Just trying to say that I try and have tried my best and I¡¯m not perfect.¡±

    Anya was three years older than me, not thirteen years older like Jackson was. I don¡¯t know why she believed all because she was older than I was, that she was looked upon as some kind of wise sage. What did age have anything to do with this, especially only a three-year age difference? Did she think since she was older, she could pull the wool over my eyes, like she could with her children?

    ANYA: ¡°Don¡¯t hate me and punish me for taking that chance and loving you. I¡¯m only human.¡±

    She needed to consider, if she did feel punished, it wasn¡¯t because she loved me, but because she allowed and encouraged me to love her, deeply without telling me all aboiut the hole she was in. She seemed to forget she told me that Lance left her because she had kids, not for that she decided to stay for the sake of them. As badly as I wanted to see her side and tell her it was okay, every admission was like feeling a 7.0 earthquake from within¡ªit really shook me up.

    ME: ¡°I don¡¯t hate you nor do I want to punish you. Don¡¯t you think it¡¯s a good thing to teach your kids that money and things don¡¯t lead to happiness though? That there are things more valuable in life than money? That they should get good grades to get good grades, not because they will be rewarded with ¡°things¡±? Why do they need these perks to be successful? You¡¯re a good parent Anya, but some of the things you place the most value on is wrong, and could hurt them one day. Have you ever considered this?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ok then you don¡¯t know my kids. One thing you don¡¯t want to do is attack someone on their parenting skills. Good, bad or indifferent, it¡¯s just not what you do.¡±

    Unfortunately, Anya¡¯s method of parenting affected my life as her reward based learning system relied on remaining married to Jackson Caiaphas, and I felt betrayed because of it. She had no right to tell me all she did about Jackson, allowing me to care for her happiness that only assured a great agony. For her to look upon my response as an ¡°attack¡± seemed to suggest she knew I was right about it. I learned with every character she typed that she would always fight to stay with him for the money, and his ability to provide this reward-based performance system that kept her kids in line so she could remain ¡°Mom of the year¡± every passing year. No matter what my love for her fought, she viewed her situation that if she left to be with me, she couldn¡¯t love her kids because of the reward system in place. Essentially, without a reward system, her kids would not be successful in life. All she cared about where the eyes looking down upon her while mine now went ignored.

    ANYA: ¡°I hope that no one ever lectured my mom for her parenting skills. That would make me sad cuz I know she did her best.¡±

    I started to feel bad for Anya, and began to reconsider the harshness in how I presented myself to her as she felt attacked. What she didn¡¯t understand that the way she chose to parent her kids that required Jackson¡¯s money to do so, it felt like she lied to me about any chances we had of being together any time soon, and all this pain I felt, that consumed me every second that I would feel for a very long time could¡¯ve been avoided if she were honest from the beginning. She knew from the very beginning if she had been truthful about why she was still there, I would¡¯ve never given her a chance. Knowing that, why would she do that to me without thinking she had a responsibility for following through? I don¡¯t think she even considered for a second any of the positives that would lead me to believe she truly hoped to be with me. Anya told me the only reason she was still married to Jackson was because no one was there for her if she left and also because she thought no one wanted to deal with her kids. I put complete faith in all she said and believed her happiness was worth fighting for. When she started to fill me in on the details she purposely omitted so I¡¯d feed her ego, I didn¡¯t expect any of these blockades that surrounded me after all I had gone through, even battling through having to use a drug to level the emotions. What felt like ¡°attacks¡± and ¡°blasts¡± to her, she felt wronged by because she couldn¡¯t look back at herself and go ¡°ok, I can see why he could be upset¡±. Now, my entire career and life weighed in the balance because I put faith in all she told me about Jackson. She attacked me every single time she tried to defend him and made me aware of things she should¡¯ve told me in the beginning so I could make the best decision for myself, and even her. All because she hurt too didn¡¯t make it right for me to hurt. Not once did she look into herself, like I attempted to do. When she hit me with the stuff, she should¡¯ve made me aware of two years earlier, my natural reaction was to defend myself. She put me in the same hole she was in and it was wrong¡ªthe only thing truly wrong about all of this. If I didn¡¯t feel misled before, I felt completely misled now. I felt she cared for me, but she didn¡¯t truly love me. If she truly loved me, she would have saw this as constructive criticism, or at least looked into why I would say such things. Wouldn¡¯t true love see the good in us and not the bad? I wasn¡¯t asking her to abandon the kids, but to live an honest life by leaving Jackson. Anya loved her kids, no doubt as she should, but all she only consulted with biased people who raised their kids the same way. I saw firsthand how people were against the way these kids were brought up these days, privileged and entitled, and in need of safe spaces if they didn¡¯t like that they heard, much like Anya seemed to want at this time. A safe place where the truth could never find its way to her. I knew I had hurt her with how I presented my views, but the pain I felt because of her lack of full disclosure tore me organ from organ, limb from limb. I didn¡¯t know how to tuck away the pain anymore and even the drug was starting to make matters worse.

    I respected Anya¡¯s mother, but look at her own daughter, who married a guy for his money and status, so she could be ¡°popular¡±. So she could be the friend people envied instead of the one who envied others. Who turned into someone that now appeared to always have been as bad of a person as Jackson. Anya wasn¡¯t going to leave the man who rewarded her kids for getting good grades, something they should have done anyway.

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m not trying to put you down. All I¡¯m saying is to consider what you¡¯re teaching them by staying. You¡¯re teaching them that your marriage is normal. Don¡¯t you want more for them in life than money?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I don¡¯t want to talk about what I¡¯m ¡°teaching¡± my children. You don¡¯t know.¡±

    She got that right¡ªI didn¡¯t know what the hell she was trying to teach them. Katie¡¯s act of rebellion in her 7<sup>th</sup> grade year was all I needed to know about what she taught them¡ªlove is a fairy tale and unrealistic. It¡¯s better to live a false life predicated upon money and having things. Keep yourself as busy as possible and ignore the world around you. I felt bad for both Katie and Andrew¡ªto know what life had in store for them and wondering if they had enough skills to cope. That they would end up just like their parents¡ªliving a false unhappy existence. Knowing Anya had to know this, I found it hard to believe she wanted the same for them.

    ME: ¡°Do you ever wonder why Katie rebelled? It¡¯s because you¡¯re keeping her so busy so she doesn¡¯t pick up on anything wrong with the marriage. Teenagers shouldn¡¯t be having nervous breakdowns. That¡¯s for adults to have. Just my opinion.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°If this is about the Imacs I¡¯m sorry if I even confided in you. I don¡¯t want to tell you things and have you throw it back at me. You¡¯re my friend, not my dad.¡±

    ME: ¡°It¡¯s not about the Imacs at all. I think they need those in today¡¯s education environment. This is about the kids having ¡°things¡± if you stay with him versus if you stay with me. You¡¯re choosing your husband over me so they¡¯ll be driving their own car in high school and being ¡°cool and popular¡±. You think with me they would hate you and have nothing, and I¡¯m a little more than a friend, I think. If I share my body and my life with someone I want you to treat me with a little more consideration than that.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°You have it all wrong. You¡¯re not a parent, you¡¯ll never understand. For the last time it¡¯s not money and it¡¯s not you against him.¡±

    ME: ¡°Sure. Whatever.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re still there because of the reward system you have put in place for your kids to perform, and without your husband, that doesn¡¯t work. Another thing you should have told me from the beginning.¡± I thought but kept to myself. I couldn¡¯t be convinced now this wasn¡¯t about Jackson¡¯s money as I fully believed she would be gone by now if it wasn¡¯t. This wasn¡¯t about the kids but about possibly losing what Jackson provided them with such as horses, and soon to be, cars.

    ANYA: ¡°Btw who said they are getting cars in HS? They¡¯ve been saving forever. If Katie only has $1,500 by driving time, guess what? She¡¯ll buy a car worth that much.¡±

    ME: ¡°Let me get this straight. When Katie was 3 or 5 years old, you bought her a horse ranch. My money is on her driving a BMW regardless if she has the money or not when she is in HS.¡±

    Katie deserved the Beemer in High School. She deserved the horse ranch and all the horses. She busted her tail, but my problem with it is that Anya brought me into her life. And allowed and encouraged me to fall deeply in love with her without reservations or any fear that I would not be up against horse ranches and boats and everything else she gave them.

    ANYA: ¡°I don¡¯t want to have any more negative feelings. We are not together. If you change your mind as a friend one day, I¡¯d be grateful.¡±

    ME: ¡°I don¡¯t know, Anya. I would always want more.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Then what¡¯s the solution? I can¡¯t live w/bad feelings. Not good for you either.¡±

    ME: ¡°I don¡¯t want us to have bad feelings either. I would like for us to be together.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I can¡¯t do it.¡±

    When I heard Anya¡¯s response, I couldn¡¯t blame her. I needed a promise from her, and not to be with her, but people had to understand this was life or death for me. Truly, life or death. If there was no hope for us to be together, there¡¯s no way I could continue this life.

    ANYA: ¡°Too many months of bad feelings, sadness, pressure and fear. I can¡¯t do it.¡±

    Her words paralyzed my mind, leaving me in a true state of madness. Did she put me in this position to feel this way on purpose? She had to know no matter what I did for her, she was in a hole she would only get out of if the same safety was provided to her kids and she knew from the very beginning I would fall short. These bad feelings of sadness, pressure and fear were brought upon by her dishonesty with me about the real reason she was still there. Opting instead to hide it from me, tell me about her husband¡¯s infidelities because she knew I¡¯d try and save her. I trusted that her unhappiness mattered and it did, but as long as everything remained intact for her kids. I felt both greatly loved and greatly wronged by the sadness, pressure and fear her omissions unfairly gave me. Instead of a woman like Denise, who chose to give me hints along the way to figure out, Anya allowed me to fall into a trap where my love for her would truly be put to the test unfairly. In her mind. if I were to feel an ounce of anger over this, I couldn¡¯t have possibly loved her. I was beyond beside myself that she allowed me to love her deeply and care about her happiness that would only lead me to be harmed. I trusted her to catch me and be with me if she fell in love with me. I couldn¡¯t blame her for the way she felt, but she also couldn¡¯t get upset at me for the way I felt. I would not accept a demotion. Not after all I gave to her that led me feel my death would be the only solution to this pain. She brought me way too far to let me go like this, something even if I were a parent, would never do to her. I would¡¯ve made a promise to her and chose to be honest with my kids especially if I carried anger that would never be resolved. I would¡¯ve never allowed them to go to bed at night believing they were to blame for me wanting to divorce my wife. I would be strong enough to teach my kids about real values, and not just about the value of money and things¡ªthat those things weren¡¯t the only means used to reward kids with. That love is what led to happiness and not material things. That you get good grades because you¡¯re supposed to, not because you¡¯ll get an Ipod if you do. I would vouch for the one I loved and believe in them. I would trust them that everything would work out for the best. I¡¯d believe in love, especially this love. That was me though, and not the woman Anya portrayed herself to be the night we met. Anya may have been so mentally ill, the only person who could save her was the little girl with unresolved issues¡ªherself. Or maybe I just had to face the most painful truth of all; what we had wasn¡¯t special enough to her.

    ME: ¡°I think you only want a friendship out of fear not love. The same reason you stay in your marriage.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°What fear? I want a friendship out of love but if you can¡¯t give me that then I can¡¯t do anything about it.¡±

    ME: ¡°You¡¯re afraid I¡¯ll tell him, so that¡¯s why you want to hold on to me as a friend.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Know what? Telling him? I told you I don¡¯t care anymore! Go ahead and do what you want!¡±

    ME: ¡°I don¡¯t want to be unauthentic but I just would always want more. After all I¡¯ve shared with you, after I truly gave you everything, you want just a friendship. That¡¯s not love. Love catches the people who fall.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I refuse to feel bad anymore!¡±

    ME: ¡°Do what you have to do. I won¡¯t accept a friendship after all we¡¯ve shared together. It doesn¡¯t mean I don¡¯t love you. It means I know I deserve more than your feelings of guilt. You feeling ¡°bad¡± never stopped you anyway. I don¡¯t want your sympathy.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Know what? I¡¯ve been so patient with your feelings and you just keep jabbing me. I try to tell you how much I care but you don¡¯t care about what I¡¯m going through! I quit!¡±

    ME: ¡°If you truly cared about my feelings you would find a way to be with me, and not make excuses not to. You cared about my feelings so much you couldn¡¯t even make me a promise to be with me so I could feel safe in your love for me.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Stop messing with my heart! You¡¯re making it very difficult to love you.¡±

    ME: ¡°If my friendship means so much to you and if you truly love me, why don¡¯t you make a promise to be with me? That¡¯s the real solution.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Just stop. No more pressure! I¡¯m done.¡±

    ME: ¡°Amazing.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I could say the same thing!¡±

    ME: ¡°I love you too much. I couldn¡¯t accept a friendship. I¡¯m sorry.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°So that¡¯s how you treat someone you love?¡±

    She wouldn¡¯t have spent so much time with me trying to resolve this issue if she didn¡¯t love me. She wanted the friendship so she could keep her hope alive and I was so distraught I couldn¡¯t see what she was trying to accomplish. In a way, she even took the blame, trying to explain why she didn¡¯t know, and all I did was give her absolute grief over it while she was grieving. She¡¯s right¡ªI was blowing it. I was sick in both heart and mind over this that I didn¡¯t know what I was fighting her over. I was basically doing the same thing to her that I believed she did to me, and that¡¯s when I knew I needed help. I hated that she was letting Jackson win¡ªletting him destroy our hopes, wishes and dreams and it felt like she sided with him. I guess I had developed an ego too by Anya loving me. The critic inside made me feel like she was messing with my heart too when she couldn¡¯t make me a promise, yet my love for her never wavered even without it. But without my friendship, a tool she would only use to manipulate me with, I was no longer worthy of her love. I began to sense the grounds her love for me existed on were simply that her marriage remained preserved and intact, and my heart felt disgraced after all she allowed and encouraged me to feel for her. I was quickly learning, this relationship could only exist on Anya¡¯s terms, and not on my terms. Didn¡¯t true love simply exist on the terms of two people, not just one?

    ME: ¡°My feelings are stronger than yours for me. I can¡¯t accept a friendship.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Stronger than mine?¡±

    ME: ¡°Yes. My feelings are much stronger for you. You¡¯d feel the same way if you were me. I¡¯d always want to be with you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s not tit for tat, Landyn. It¡¯s clear that you feel I don¡¯t understand your point of view and clear that you don¡¯t understand my point of view.¡±

    ME: ¡°I don¡¯t think this relationship was ever about me anyway.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Do you think it matters at this point? My heart has been ripped in pieces so it doesn¡¯t matter what you or I think.¡±

    ME: ¡°Not my intention to rip your heart in pieces, but rest assured my heart will never be recoverable.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°My kids have been waiting very patiently to go to the library all morning but mom has been in her room upset all morning. They cleaned up the house waiting for me.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I think it¡¯s time for me to go and try to be a ¡°good¡± mother, don¡¯t u think? Have a good day.¡±

    It bothered me that Anya would hit me with that after she left me in complete disarray. She could have told me she promised to take the kids to the library, instead she went on a tirade and we got lost. It¡¯s not as if I knew her kids were waiting for her. Little did she know, I didn¡¯t go into work on this morning, nor did I have time to call in. I could lose my job, a career job, yet did I text her back to tell her how I felt? Or how many sleepless nights I¡¯ve had over the last year because she wasn¡¯t honest with me about the truth why she was still there? What right did she have taking my heart if she planned to hide things from me rather than have a plan to be with me?

    ME: ¡°Maybe now is the time to be honest with them, and not let them continue to believe they are the reason, and not the marriage for what they are seeing?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I don¡¯t need you to pressure and threaten me. Now I¡¯m really angry I trusted you with everything.¡±

    ME: ¡°If you couldn¡¯t handle the truth, you should have never taken my heart. You won¡¯t get anything less than the truth from me.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Know what? I¡¯m not ok right now. Thanks a lot. You¡¯re just doing a great job of pushing me away. I¡¯m going to turn off my fone b/c I have to spend time with the kids.¡±

    ME: ¡°Ok. I¡¯ll shut up. I hope you have a good day. Enjoy your time with them at the library.¡±

    I had turned into a horrible human being¡ªI couldn¡¯t just shut up. I should¡¯ve stopped while I was ahead, but the pain of losing her was greater than my nobility and I lost all decency. The fact she put up with this and tried to hang in there for a friendship was an incredible act of perseverance. She didn¡¯t want just a friendship with me as much as I did with her, but she couldn¡¯t be what she needed me to be at this time but she wanted to give me some piece of her instead of nothing. The pain her indecision gave me blinded me to it at the time. I then tried to picture the scene, as it seemed I recreated the same one she had in her hotel room when she found out Jackson had cheated on her. If I was going to lose her, my negative mind wanted to obliterate all hope. I didn¡¯t even want a remnant of it to exist. I loved her too much and I¡¯d never move on if I didn¡¯t go through all the way with this suicide mission.

    I finally got around to calling in sick after our textversation¡ªfortunately the firm was understanding about my absence. I was sick though, super sick in both the heart and mind, as I laid in bed unable to move yet once again. After our conversation, when I refused all hope, I knew the end of our love was near. At about six that evening, I texted Anya.

    ME: ¡°How was the library?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I never took them to the library cuz I was in no shape. Nice mom huh? Yea I really deserve an award now!¡±

    ME: ¡°Is it not clear enough to you that the marriage is ruining and affecting other lives, mostly yours? I hope you¡¯re ok.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m so angry I¡¯m irrational and if you keep up the jabs I will only escalate.¡±

    ME: ¡°Is that what the truth represents to you? A jab? I¡¯m trying to help you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yea keep it up.

    If I couldn¡¯t tell Anya about the way I felt. If I couldn¡¯t talk to her about her kids or her marriage after the last eighteen months, then what did I have to lose? If she considered these ¡°jabs¡± then there was no reaching her. The truth was this though; I was equally angry with her but when she used the word ¡°irrational¡±, I feared she may harm herself so I tried to clean up the mess I made, but also be honest with the way she made me feel.

    ME: ¡°There is no ¡°me¡± texting you how I feel if there was no infidelity on his part. You¡¯re taking this out on the wrong person, and you don¡¯t feel an ounce of this anger or pain in your heart, and the kids get 100% of the best mom.¡±

    ME: ¡°I wasn¡¯t questioning your parenting skills. Both Katie and Andrew are both healthy, smart, good kids. You¡¯re doing a lot of things right. I know they got that way because of you.¡±

    ME: ¡°You¡¯re a phenomenal one of a kind Mom. I have always believed that and you¡¯re right, I don¡¯t know how to raise kids but I just know b/c of what you told me that money and material things didn¡¯t lead to happiness so maybe that would be a good thing to let them know if you hadn¡¯t already. If we were together I¡¯d never criticize you on the way to raise your kids because first of all, they are not my kids, and I respect that fact and second, you¡¯re great at it.¡±

    ME: ¡°Of course I don¡¯t know your kids to know they are good kids. I wish I could know them but I know who their mother is, so I also know they have to be good kids. That¡¯s all I have to go on.¡±

    ME: ¡°I think the most frustrating thing for me is you hear and listen to all these things about how it would ¡°hurt the kids¡± from people who are more biased, I feel, because they are mothers and they also don¡¯t want to see you leave the neighborhood. It frustrates me because as your best friend, I have no voice because everytime I give another viewpoint, I¡¯m sure they will argue me on it and be against me, even if it makes a lot of sense. I feel I know more than they do as your ¡°best friend¡±, and it¡¯s not fair their opinions have more weight.¡±

    ME: ¡°I don¡¯t threaten people with pain especially the ones I love and I will tell you this about myself. I would never in a billion years love someone with all my heart and soul and give myself to someone else, especially one who has hurt me as he as hurt you. Even if it¡¯s not him versus me, that doesn¡¯t mean it doesn¡¯t hurt at all. This isn¡¯t hatred. It¡¯s pain.¡±

    ME: ¡°I know there¡¯s the kid equation in there. I know I¡¯ve been harsh at times, but it¡¯s the pain of knowing in my heart and mind you¡¯re better off happy.¡±

    ME: ¡°Telling me you hoped, wished, and dreamed for us was probably the thing you never should¡¯ve told me without telling me at least what you needed from me to make that possible. You would have never heard a word from me.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m the same guy you met 2 years ago, but I¡¯m stuck in a painful spot right now; like I have bullets lodged in my chest. A spot I¡¯ve never been in before, but we¡¯re here together.¡±

    ME: ¡°I just wanted to be vouched for. I wanted you to defend me. I wanted you to be proud of me and our love. I wanted you to tell the world he¡¯s here b/c he¡¯s a good man, and I¡¯m in love with him. I wanted you to go to bat for me, the way I would go to bat for you, and not to deny me. The fact you were not willing to do that has hurt me a lot. Just don¡¯t judge me for it please. It¡¯s not fair.¡±

    ME: ¡°Hope you¡¯re not doing anything irrational over there.¡±

    ME: ¡°You mentioned that you wonder too. I¡¯d have to sell this bed before that would happen.¡±

    If she had done anything she considered to be ¡°irrational¡±, I¡¯d be devastated. Yes, I was hurt by all she texted me, but she was hurt too. Although we didn¡¯t see eye to eye, I cared about her life and her well being. I planned to seek help as I felt confident once I did, maybe Anya and I could be friends again. I didn¡¯t think I¡¯d hear back from her as it was late and this was a lot to read, but she proved me wrong, and I appreciated it every time she did so.

    ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s me you¡¯re talking to. I do defend you.¡±

    ME: ¡°These last few days have been the worst days of my life. I don¡¯t like to argue at all with anyone. I¡¯m going to seek some professional help and make sure this doesn¡¯t happen again between us. I never wanted to argue with you, today or at any time prior. Never thought I ever would.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Never wanted to argue. Never argued this much in my life.¡±

    She never argued this much in her life? Even after Jackson had cheated on her several times? I just found that hard to fathom, then again, there were a lot of love and emotions in our relationship than there ever was in her marriage. If Anya thought she could just break things off with me, as if we never existed, and I should just go into that good night, she couldn¡¯t have been truly in love.

    The next day, I didn¡¯t hear from Anya at all¡ªthe first time she ever decided to not text me without it being agreed upon between us. Her silence, brought upon negative emotions within me once again as I tried desperately to stave them off, but when I didn¡¯t hear from her again on the morning of the next day, I could not hold off my silence in a series of texts.

    ME: ¡°I hope you¡¯re ok. Just so you know why I was so upset this Saturday, and so you don¡¯t wonder what set me off, it was b/c I knew what June 20<sup>th</sup> was.¡±

    ME: ¡°The thought of glasses possibly being raised in honor of something that has hurt people made me sick to my stomach, and very angry, especially when I didn¡¯t hear back, it just escalated, like your anger for me yesterday. I was only acting out in response to the way I felt I was being treated.¡±

    ME: ¡°I just felt it was fair for you to know what set me off. I don¡¯t get upset without a reason and I liked that we were doing good and didn¡¯t want to screw that up, but I felt you wouldn¡¯t be honest with me about it anyway b/c it would upset me and ruin your night, so I had to go with my gut instinct. I¡¯m not trying to argue with you, I just wanted you to know why I said the things I did, and that I knew what that date was.¡±

    When Anya responded to my text, and after I reread them myself, I knew her response would not be favorable.

    ANYA: ¡°Not ok. You¡¯re totally wrong about June 20<sup>th</sup>. I¡¯m sure somebody in the world celebrated if that was their wedding date cuz not mine. Niece¡¯s Bday party.¡±

    ME: ¡°I got the date from the Temple of Jewish Faith online newsletter and that¡¯s what it stated although they got the number of years wrong on it. Also, you hinted your wedding date was around this time when you talked to the clairvoyant last year. I know you didn¡¯t want to hurt me. I¡¯m over it. Just wanted you to know what upset me enough to text the things I did.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Nice. That¡¯s what you did? Looked it up and assumed? Wow. Yea totally wrong. Can¡¯t believe all that just b/c of¡­¡±

    ME: ¡°I didn¡¯t just look it up. I¡¯ve known for a year now. There were things my heart needed to know at the time I was hurting. If I¡¯m wrong with the date, I¡¯m sure it¡¯s somewhat close. Be upset with the Temple of Jewish Faith for the misprint, not with me.¡±

    If Anya couldn¡¯t put herself in my shoes, how could she expect me to put myself in hers? Her empathy seemed to disappear and so did mine. If she didn¡¯t celebrate it on Saturday night, I was certain she celebrated it on Friday night, or some other night without telling me. This was the part of the fa?ade, the unknown variable, the condition that chipped away my trust in her. It seemed if she told me the truth she feared she¡¯d lose my love, or worse yet, I¡¯d tell her husband. In her mind, Jackson knowing would end us, and I trusted her that would never bring an end to us, but the beginning of forever.

    ANYA: ¡°At what point do you think we can be civil again? I don¡¯t want to keep arguing back and forth with who¡¯s right and who¡¯s wrong. It¡¯s really a huge turnoff.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I don¡¯t want to blame you and I don¡¯t want you to keep blaming me. Bottom line we are two good people that fell in love and dove in together.¡±

    I wanted the same thing she wanted. I didn¡¯t want to blame her for the pain I felt, but I felt the pain she felt was more self inflicted. If she truly felt we were just two good people who fell in love and dove in together, how come she couldn¡¯t vouch for us? She then hit me with another text that left me unsettled.

    ANYA: ¡°We didn¡¯t know what we were up against but still decided to take a chance b/c it was so special. I don¡¯t want you to hate me and I don¡¯t want to hate you.¡±

    She always knew exactly what she was up against¡ªshe just decided to hide it from me so I¡¯d dive in with her and she even refused to take any responsibility for it. Lance left her because she did know what she was up against. The only reason she chose me was because Lance was too close to home where and I was not known by her circle of popularity in the neighborhood¡ªit was easier to manipulate and hide things from me than it was with Lance. I did not know what I was up against because she intentionally hid it from me. I didn¡¯t know about the rewards for academic performance system she put in place for her kids that she relied on Jackson for. One of the main reasons she stayed for ¡°the sake of the kids¡±. She stayed for his money. She stayed for what he provided the kids, and she knew they would not be successful in the things they did, and she would be viewed upon as someone who was unworthy of their love, without his reward system in place. If she truly believed our love was ¡°so special¡± she would have found reasons to leave, and not resort back to a single reason to stay. She told me all she needed was my love and nothing else mattered. She had Katie¡¯s letter for proof that her unhappiness in the marriage affected her life, and still ignored it as if I was non-existent¡ªas if we never shared a thing and she had not told me one thing about her unhappiness. You take a chance with a pair of shoes you ordered online or a dress¡ªnot with someone¡¯s heart. As much as I wanted to be wrong, all the evidence pointed to the fact Anya chipped away a sizeable chunk of the trust I had in her, and continued to bury me alive with every text she sent me.

    ANYA: ¡°I want us to let go of negative feelings and be thankful for what we had. We are blowing any chance if there¡¯s any left at this point of even being friends.¡±

    Love didn¡¯t bring people close to them to just let them go. Love always caught the ones who fell for them. Anya¡¯s love for herself was on full display while her love for me dwindled away before my very eyes.

    ANYA: ¡°I would like it to be nice between us. Do you think that¡¯s possible? Starting now I want to let go of negative feelings, and be civil. I don¡¯t like negative feelings.¡±

    Little did I know what her negative feelings truly meant¡ªanother thing she hid from me. She wanted to be friends for a reason¡ªanother thing she hid from me that I could¡¯ve never expected. Now that I questioned her parenting skills¡ªI was a threat to her and her lies about her life were now in danger. My threats to talk to Jackson were now being purposely misinterpreted but I had no clue¡ªI still trusted her regardless of the things she purposely hid from me in the beginning so I¡¯d take the plunge. I wanted the same thing she did though but knowing she continued to hide things from me, I didn¡¯t know how it was possible¡ªI felt manipulated more than loved. When I considered therapy and counseling may help me salvage our relationship by accepting some responsibility for where we were now, I directed my fight for her inward. If I can get back to the old Landyn, then maybe there was a chance. When I weighed my options¡ªlosing all I ever worked for and all I truly loved, I really had no other choice but to seek counseling. To be honest, I didn¡¯t know if I was right or wrong about the way I felt. Was I being entirely unfair and too harsh towards her? Maybe therapy could help me answer these questions.

    ANYA: ¡°Just please let me know what you¡¯d like to do.¡±

    It then dawned on me there may be a real misunderstanding between us, one not so evident. I didn¡¯t want just a friendship, but I would accept it if she still believed in us. I wanted to trust in Anya¡¯s love for me again. She deserved the chance to prove me wrong, but she never would if I continued down this path with her. For us to get back ¡°together¡±, things needed to change between us, especially all the negative thinking on my end. If I went for help and could change the way I perceive things then maybe I could mend our relationship. I hoped I was wrong as I texted Anya to see where she stood on a future relationship, and not just a future friendship. One in which I could never be a good friend.

    ANYA: ¡°Just want to let you know. I told the girls we are having problems but didn¡¯t tell them in detail. They would die. They adore you.¡±

    I put her in the position to have to tell them¡ªthey likely sensed something was wrong. I¡¯m glad she could talk to them. Of course, they would only receive her side of the story and not mine. I couldn¡¯t expect them to side with me. I began to consider that the only reason they ¡°adored¡± me was because she told them I was okay with this arrangement¡ªthat she could stay for the sake of the kids and I¡¯d be fine with it at this point. I started to fear her friends adored me because Anya didn¡¯t tell them the truth either.

    ANYA: ¡°I was proud of you when you told me you were going to seek help. Think I may need to do the same. I hope I don¡¯t have to go on medication. It¡¯s not my nature.¡±

    ME: ¡°Thank you. I feel I owe it to you to do that. I don¡¯t want to argue or have negative feelings either. I think there¡¯s been a misunderstanding with the things I texted you the other day¡­¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I think so but I don¡¯t think it matters anymore.¡±

    ME: ¡°I just wanted you to know what I meant by ¡°a chance for us¡±. I meant if you left then be together.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Huh? Sorry, explain again?¡±

    ME: ¡°I didn¡¯t mean be friends with a chance still if you didn¡¯t leave.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Honey that¡¯s what you said. You were very clear. What exactly did you mean?¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry, I just meant if you left, that you would be with me. Then I could be your friend. Not if you didn¡¯t leave get back together. I don¡¯t even know how to say this. Let me just ask you this. If you left, would you still want to be with me?¡±

    Her response to my question would determine my course of action. If she said she didn¡¯t want to be with me anymore, and just wanted a friendship, then I¡¯d have to walk away for good. Time seemed to stand still, and the phone in my hand remained silent as my entire future weighed in the balance.

 CHAPTER 9 ~ AN UNDERSTANDING

    ¡°I''ve had a few little love affairs.

    They didn''t last very long, and they''ve been pretty scarce.

    I used to think that was sensible.

    It makes the truth even more incomprehensible.¡±

    ¡°Lay Your Love on Me¡± ~ ABBA

    ANYA: ¡°Yes.¡±

    ME: ¡°Yes?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yes but we would have to have some serious conversations with what is expected of each other. At this point I told you I¡¯m not leaving so it doesn¡¯t matter.¡±

    ME: ¡°Serious conversations? What about?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°What type of behavior is expected of one another. Seriously, I¡¯ve never argued this much with anyone in my whole life. Couldn¡¯t live with that.¡±

    ME: ¡°I don¡¯t think that¡¯s a fair thing to judge me upon because I¡¯m not playing on a level playing field. Remove the ¡°situation¡± then pass judgment on me if I argue with you. Remove the situation and I know for a fact there¡¯s perfect harmony between us. My arguments are based solely on someone who is in love with me who¡¯s with someone else. I argue because I love you and I¡¯m fighting for our love. That¡¯s it. Remove another man from the equation and you would be mad at yourself for not leaving sooner than you did. I don¡¯t like negative feelings or friction either. I text you because I¡¯m hoping to resolve these negative feelings too. I feel betrayed in a lot of ways and I¡¯ll be honest with you, if you were planning to hang out with other men and we were married, we would argue a lot more than we are now. It¡¯s called respecting the heart of someone you love. I love you, you know. I want peace and harmony, not anger and frustration between us. I don¡¯t want to argue with you as much as you don¡¯t want me to argue with you. As much as you may want to believe so, this isn¡¯t me.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ok I¡¯m just not use to the outrage. It scares me.¡±

    ME: ¡°You¡¯re not used to being loved by someone.¡±

    She judged me as if the situation was normal and didn¡¯t seem to understand what I endured for her. How much trust I put in her. How much I believed in her love and all the horrific things that led me to be here for her, and she seemed to appreciate none of it, as if Jackson had never cheated on her at all, and if he did, she had completely forgiven him for it. The ¡°outrage¡± existed because I trusted in Anya¡¯s pain and love for me so much, I put my entire life on the line. I initially put her happiness above my own but as my feelings grew, my life now depended on her.

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯ll tell you this much though. If you ¡°tell¡± and I leave eventually. I¡¯d never want to see you. Even if I leave for other reasons. I¡¯d never want to see you again if you ¡°tell¡±.¡±

    The more Anya texted me, the more she began to chip away at my trust in her love for me.

    ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s not a threat or anything like that. It would just be as simple as breaking trust. I¡¯m already having a hard time with some of our past convos right now.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Anyway, it doesn¡¯t matter. I¡¯m just trying to feel better and would like us to be friendly again. Still blown away and haven¡¯t been able to snap out of it.¡±

    If I did tell Jackson, I would¡¯ve already concluded that she had betrayed me. Her words did upset me because they came with zero responsibility for the way I felt. She never considered how she brought me into her life. The same woman who claimed she felt responsible for taking two years from me now told me I had no right to feel betrayed by that. If it did come to confronting Jackson, the enigma she should¡¯ve made known to me in the beginning, she should understand her role if she wanted me to understand the ¡°kid¡± card she played. The same one she played with Lance. Two guys she left to face the tragedies of their own existences. And she was mad I broke her heart? Did she ever consider the hearts she has broken or did she always play the damsel in distress? It also seemed she was fine without love in a marriage¡ªshe didn¡¯t have to deal with any emotions there. After all of his infidelities and disrespect. After all the resentment and anger that will never be resolved¡ªshe truly argued with me more than her husband? Even after Andrew¡¯s premature birth? Even after he put her in the position to tell Jackson¡¯s lover¡¯s husband? Did she think people in love didn¡¯t argue this way? She asked me to fight for her and I did exactly that. The problem was she fought with me instead of for me¡ªanother thing I trusted her never to do. A hurdle for me to overcome was that Anya did things she knew would hurt me if she did them, yet her love for me never stopped her from doing each and every one of them. Her disregard to all the things she said and did that allowed and encouraged me to be here is what caused me enough pain to hold on to the ¡°tell¡± card. I didn¡¯t want to ¡°tell¡± Jackson anything, but I hated her marriage enough because of the pain its brought to others outside of it to blow it up. I didn¡¯t bring her here, she brought me here. What was wrong with me telling Jackson anything if she didn¡¯t love him and she loved me? She told me she was willing to risk everything yet when faced with it she coiled and that inconsistency¡ªthat lack of follow-through is what scared me more than I could ever scare her. This perfect picture she painted to those around her had hurt my life and I failed to see the love in her bringing me in to be a part of the lie. That¡¯s not what I signed up for and after two years, I didn¡¯t plan to go away silently. Love would¡¯ve never threatened me with what she did. I hid nothing from her. She could show up at my apartment and I¡¯d have nothing to hide from her, but I couldn¡¯t do the same. The person I loved dearly would morph into someone I never knew and yet, confronting Jackson would make her feel betrayed? Why could I approach Jackson the way Anya approached the husband of the woman Jackson cheated with? Weren¡¯t we both ¡°victims¡± and had to come to a solution? I trusted Anya to leave Jackson after all we shared. How could she look him in the eye knowing all we¡¯ve shared? If she didn¡¯t feel any guilt for that then he must be even worse than she led me on to believe. It made me believe her marriage was nothing but legal prostitution¡ªhe basically had to pay to get her to stay. All these negative feelings ran through me until I realized the end game; either try to fix this or die¡ªthere were no other options. I had no plans to ¡°tell¡± her husband anything¡ªI just didn¡¯t like being threatened, not after all the gut-wrenching nights my heart ached for her while she slept next to the man, she purposely told me horrible things about so I¡¯d care for her happiness. I¡¯m the only one who stood up for her happiness and in her eyes, I was the monster for it. Maybe my presentation wasn¡¯t the best but dammit, I trusted all she ever told me about her unhappiness. Yet here I was, the villain¡ªno longer the hero.

    ME: ¡°I understand. In all fairness, I¡¯m having trust issues with you anyway. Why did you think I even thought of talking to him?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°That¡¯s fine. I don¡¯t want tit for tat. Please don¡¯t throw things right back at me. Maybe wait a bit to do that. I don¡¯t like it when you throw it right back.¡±

    ME: ¡°This isn¡¯t about ¡°tit for tat¡± or ¡°throwing it right back¡±. There¡¯s two sides and people here. I¡¯m just saying we are both having trust issues and if we love each other they can be resolved.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I don¡¯t want to get upset. I refuse. I just want peace. I¡¯ve told you the truth and that¡¯s all I can say or do. You believe what you want to believe.¡±

    At a time, I was trying to understand, she hit me with yet another lie¡ªI¡¯ve told you the truth. If she told me the truth, I would¡¯ve known about the hole she couldn¡¯t get out of. She told me that Lance left her because she had baggage¡ªnot because she was there because she worried about them. I asked her why she was still married after Jackson¡¯s infidelities¡ªshe told me it was because no one would be there for her if she left. She told me she would be with me if I swept her off her feet¡ªshe told me I did that six months ago. Her ego, as great as Jackson¡¯s, caused her to misrepresent herself to me to be pacified. The only thing I was believing was the truth.

    ME: ¡°Judge me outside the ¡°situation¡±, not inside of it. I agree with you, it raises a trust issue. There have been times I wonder if you¡¯re being completely honest with me. I believe you because I want to believe you. Because I want to trust you. Because I want peace between us.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ok so what have I said to you that you don¡¯t believe? When have I broken your trust? Just would like to know.¡±

    ME: ¡°It¡¯s the things you choose not to tell me. What you choose to omit to avoid hurting me or to avoid you having to deal with me around your kids. I believe everything you do tell me. Truth by omission is not honesty and I have trust issues because of it now.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°That¡¯s it? Wow.¡±

    I knew she could never deny that truth¡ªit happened every single day now. I began to learn Anya was only sensitive to the things that affected her, and not the things that truly affected me. And for the first time, I met the real Anya Caiaphas, Jackson¡¯s wife. The little girl with unresolved issues who married him for money and status¡ªnot the one who led me to believe she was in great sorrow and unloved. When I thought about the number of days, and nights, I spent paralyzed and unable to sleep in bed because of all the pain the unknown brought me, I had never felt more used. In her careless world, as long I couldn¡¯t see what she did, she couldn¡¯t hurt me. But even the things she didn¡¯t tell me, found a way to hurt me. It had come to the point that anything she ever did, even if I disappeared from her life, would affect me for a long time to come. If she didn¡¯t care if I dated someone, there¡¯s no way she could¡¯ve loved me at all¡ªthat she gave up on us a long time ago.

    ME: ¡°That¡¯s not being honest. Just think if you would have been completely honest with me about everything, maybe we¡¯re not having this conversation right now?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°So I¡¯m getting punished for something I haven¡¯t even done? Really?¡±

    It made me sad when she thought I punished her. I guess I did, but I felt so wronged by her. My low self esteem never allowed me to think that losing being in my presence would be a punishment to anyone. Pain had consumed me to the point I could no longer think straight.

    ME: ¡°Ok, here¡¯s an example. When you thought your husband knew and Debbie asked you what if he does and you told Debbie in response ¡°I¡¯d be ok. I love Landyn.¡± Not that I blame you for telling him we¡¯re ¡°just friends¡± b/c of the kids, but I was disappointed and started to question.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Started to question based on what?¡±

    ME: ¡°Based on the fact you couldn¡¯t make at least a promise to be with me. Based on the fact you refuse to be honest with anyone after all we¡¯ve shared. It made me question if you loved me as much as you said you did especially when he learned my name. It made me question your intentions from the beginning. It made me question if you only loved me because I was a secret, and if I thought for a second in the beginning I would only be your secret and not worth fighting for to be with. That if what we had was ¡°so special¡± you would be proud of me or vouch for me to him, then you wouldn¡¯t be reading what I¡¯m texting to you right now.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Just question in your head? Nothing else to go on? I¡¯ve never broken promises. That¡¯s something.¡±

    ME: ¡°It¡¯s easy to not break a promise when you don¡¯t make one.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Please stop ¡°questioning¡± my love.¡±

    At this point, the writing was on the wall for me when she now aimed to control my thoughts. I had to give her credit¡ªshe never made a promise she hadn¡¯t kept. A promise from her was solid and I knew having a promise from her to be with me would make me feel safe¡ªI¡¯d feel she did tell me the truth. There was honesty from Anya there. She¡¯s been honest now but it should¡¯ve come eighteen months ago, not after I fell deeply in love with her. She had no right to love me the way she did without any intentions to leave her husband and that incinerated me like a walk on the sun. Anya needed to recognize she had a shitty husband, and that¡¯s why I existed in her life¡ªnot a special love for me. I felt bad questioning her love, I know she loved me in some form, but I felt too much agony because she led me to believe she loved me the same way I loved her. The more I texted with her, the more I seethed surmising she felt she betrayed her kids. She would¡¯ve crucified me if she believed that was true, it would kill me.

    Our love meant more to me than it seemed to mean to her. If she believed she betrayed her kids, then she blamed her love for me as the culprit¡ªnot what Jackson did that led her to me. I never questioned if he hadn¡¯t cheated on her, but now questioned if it mattered to her at all. I thought I gave her a gift, but it seemed she never truly believed in love to truly see it as such. I had to talk with someone about all my feelings, and this entire situation in confidence, hoping to see the wrong in what I¡¯ve done to her¡ªI didn¡¯t want to be right about anything I felt. I never wanted to be more wrong about anything in my life because being wrong meant she truly wanted to be with me. I tried to understand her anger too¡ªshe was mad at her situation as much as I was. The only problem with it was she had control to change it and chose not to. The hole she was in she should¡¯ve told me when we met because now, what do I do with all of this? Instead, she made me feel guilty for walking away and for breaking her heart. I walked away back then so I wouldn¡¯t have to do it now¡ªso she also had to understand the origin of my temper tantrums. If she recognized she did do that, I could shut up but she argued back without a care of what she did that led me here. I just couldn¡¯t get past that aspect of our disagreement. And we were going to argue because I loved her enough to give her a chance to prove me wrong.

    As I tried to save myself from certain death, it was death itself, two of them to be exact, that came to my rescue on this day, the twenty fifth day in the month of June, 2009.

    ME: ¡°I just heard Michael Jackson died today. Can¡¯t believe it.¡±

    ANYA ¡°I just heard too! That¡¯s freaky! Farrah Fawcett (sp?) died too. They die in 3¡¯s! Who¡¯s next?¡±

    I wanted to text her ¡°me¡±, but didn¡¯t think I was famous enough to be considered

    ME: ¡°Ed McMahon died just the other day. Michael was the third!¡±

    ANYA ¡°Yeah I just figured that out! Freaky!¡±

    Although Anya and I had another bad day, another day I never could¡¯ve dreamed would ever happen between us, it ended on a good note. In the middle of my heartbreak, I forgot about my partnership promotion now only five weeks away. Anya and I both sat on negative feelings the last few days and I know we both wanted to know there was hope for us regardless. I loved her and I wanted to believe in her love for me even as the deck was stacked higher against me. With a partnership promotion she knew nothing about and a therapist who could help me work through my low self esteem issues, maybe I could turn this around. Even though what I felt did have some validity, I still loved her to death. I just hated to love someone so much because I trusted they wouldn¡¯t bring me in a scenario that they would view upon as wrecking lives¡ªa horrific feeling reserved for plane crash victims. Maybe I was blowing this? Maybe my past got in the way of my present and my future? What if I truly did punish Anya for loving me? I would feel better if I held myself accountable and found a way to be noble for her again. I didn¡¯t want her to think I messed with her heart. I had to find a way to love myself in order to save her.

    I spent the entire night lost in thought and unable to sleep. I started to feel guilty for all of this. Maybe I was overreacting to everything but her letting me go, although seemed logical, it felt like a death sentence to me. She lost nothing while I lost everything. It wasn¡¯t a trade-off done with love, but with her not recognizing at all why I could be so upset at her. I expected a child to love me this way, not a forty-year-old woman. She claimed to have an inexperienced heart, and in a way she did, but her history suggested otherwise. It was the third day I had to call in sick because how much pain her indecision left me in¡ªor rather her harsh decision. At the same time, to not agree with her would be also saying ¡°hey, I want to hurt your kids¡±, but I felt by allowing and encouraging me to feel all I did for her, she HAD to look at that differently. That the love in her heart for me, if it existed, meant telling the kids the truth and not hurting them. I felt the best thing to do was to look inside rather than question her love. At about seven the next morning, I texted Anya.

    ME: ¡°How r u?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ok. U? Still can¡¯t believe MJ is dead.

    ME: ¡°He was the biggest thing for me growing up. The album ¡°Thriller¡± has so many good memories for me as a kid. He had so many great songs. It¡¯s hard to put into words. Sad to see how much this crooked world changed him. If it makes any sense, I¡¯m shocked but at the same time not surprised he died.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I know. He was weird but I love his songs. He was very talented.¡±

    About an hour later, I texted her again as I had a lot to make her aware of.

    ME: ¡°I hope you don¡¯t have to see a doctor over us. I have low self esteem issues.¡±

    ME: ¡°I feel I¡¯m unlovable. People who love me, I question them. I feel maybe I¡¯ve punished you for loving me.¡±

    ME: ¡°I think I need to learn to love myself because, I just don¡¯t. I think it leaves me to think people are always trying to hurt me b/c I feel I¡¯m truly unlovable. I¡¯ve been alone too long and all this time took its toll on me without really realizing how it¡¯s made me feel not worthy of love, so much so, I¡¯ve become skeptical when someone loves me and even worse, if they love me then leave me.¡±

    ME: ¡°I think I may have been grossly unfair and negligent to your feelings and to you. I have to shoulder the blame. This is really all my fault¡±

    ME: ¡°Maybe I should be the one begging you for a friendship. I hope one day you will forgive me.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry I made you feel fearful because of my threats to tell him. I just really needed you that night.¡±

    ME: ¡°This heartbreak will help me to get straightened out.¡±

    ME: ¡°When you wear your thingie, just please remember I truly love you. You¡¯re beautiful to me. You always will be. Just know I didn¡¯t love myself. You did all you could.¡±

    When I sent these off and didn¡¯t receive a single response, I thought it went through one eye and out the other, but when she began to text me back, I couldn¡¯t have been more wrong.

    ANYA: ¡°Sorry driving¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m sorry. I didn¡¯t want to end it. I really felt I had no choice. Of course, you¡¯re worthy of love. I fell in love with you because you¡¯re a wonderful person.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I really did try. I will keep and wear your thingie forever.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I understand you were frustrated. Idk how you couldn¡¯t be.¡±

    ME: ¡°Just know it¡¯s only because I love you and not because I don¡¯t. You¡¯re my best friend and love. It¡¯s rare to be in love and want to hang with that person all the time.¡±

    ME: ¡°I don¡¯t want to make excuses but I also think I¡¯m angry about my mom¡¯s illness and that added to it a little. Just really wanted you to meet her and for her to meet you, and that¡¯s another reason I¡¯ve pushed. It¡¯s ok though. I learned a lot from this. I know why you did what you did. You had to.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°OMG. I¡¯m so touched. I know I would love her.¡±

    ME: ¡°She thinks the world of you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°That makes me sad.¡±

    ME: ¡°It¡¯s ok! Sorry to tell you that. I just wanted you to know. Not so you would feel sad.¡±

    I truly felt bad about telling Anya how much my mom liked her. It made her feel guilty for a decision she didn¡¯t want to make, but had to, and that was not my intention. My intentions were to communicate to her that I could take responsibility for this nightmare I created with my heart ache. I missed her beyond the capacity to miss someone. I needed her so badly in my life that it became life and death for me. Along the way, the frustration blinded me to the bigger picture and I had to make this right for her so we had a chance to make it there. Everything I texted Anya was sincere, and truly how I felt¡ªowing her to love myself so I could love her the way she needed me to.

    ME: ¡°I feel, in hindsight, which is always 20/20, I should have let you go when you sent me Katie¡¯s letter. I guess through her own words I saw her resiliency but I should¡¯ve been strong enough to let you go and give you time to absorb things. I messed up there. So hard to do at the time and easier said than done.¡±

    ME: ¡°I was terrified at the thought of not seeing you ever again at the time so I held on. Now, I have no choice¡±

    ME: ¡°I guess it was much easier to blame you than myself but sometimes you just have to look at yourself in the mirror and take responsibility for the outcome of things. I think I can do that now.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°What made you change?¡±

    ME: ¡°I think it¡¯s what you said about the ¡°trust¡± thing. Punishing you for the things that you didn¡¯t tell me. You were right. It made sense and made me look at myself instead. Maybe I wasn¡¯t being fair to you by doing that.¡±

    My low self esteem allowed me to imagine the worst-case scenarios, even the ones that didn¡¯t happen¡ªa defensive mechanism. My past only allowing me to see the bad and not the good in people. I also knew this wasn¡¯t all on me, but Anya as well, but being a man who truly loved her, I should dig deeper inside and heap this on myself¡ªthe only way I could learn to grow and love myself. Hopefully, it would save our hearts from forever breaking and give us a chance.

    ANYA: ¡°Just want to give you a big hug right now.¡±

    ME: ¡°I got some things to prove to you before I deserve any hugs.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°You know I still love you. You will always have a piece of my heart. Like I said before it¡¯s me you¡¯re talking to. I¡¯m not some stranger. Us, it was real.¡±

    ME: ¡°Thank you for that. That means so much to me. I will always remember that. You¡¯ve showed me I was wrong the last 3 days in your texts. A lot of love and there would be no anger with me if there wasn¡¯t love for me.¡±

    ME: ¡°I need help though still. Not with the anger, but with the missing. The missing is what leads to my anger, but I think I¡¯m at the acceptance stage of this thing now.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I agree that it would be good to talk to someone.¡±

    ME: ¡°I have a mental job unfortunately so it¡¯s imperative.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I think we all could use talking to someone.¡±

    ME: ¡°I was surprised you even mentioned that to me. Made me feel sad for you. Made me realize ¡°Hey Landyn, guess what? She¡¯s hurting too.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s not easy for me.¡±

    ME: ¡°I know. The problem is I don¡¯t think I¡¯m anything special, so that was hard for me to see. Years and years of feeling that way. A lot of days and hours feeling unworthy of someone I loved loving me the same in return. You can always take solace in the fact it¡¯s not easy for me too and don¡¯t wonder about things at all because you know how I feel about you. It was real.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°It was real for sure.¡±

    Although it pained me greatly to hear her talk about us in the past tense, I had to look past it into the future if we still had one. We shared too many beautiful moments for me to punish her the way I had, or to feel a hundred percent sure about it. I looked at things as ¡°she couldn¡¯t help falling in love with me¡±, but was that such a bad thing? When she accused me of using her own words against her, like when I fired back ¡°now there are things I can¡¯t help¡± I finally related to where she was coming from. I just wanted for her to see how not being able to help it could affect her negatively as well. I needed to check myself before I broke myself by putting my past failures with women in check. These issues with women from my past needed to be faced now or lose the chance at a love of a lifetime. I had to find a way to trust her even as my mind told me not to. I didn¡¯t want to give in to the world and its dark outlook. I didn¡¯t want to conform to putting my mind before my heart, like every individual does and calls it being rational. You had to be irrational to feel the true happiness love brings. Whatever gut instincts I had, they had to be left behind. I¡¯d never have the love I dreamt of if my mind was used to support its case. How could I throw away all we shared, surrounded by the mementos of her heart she left in my room? I walk inside my apartment and all I have are memories with her. Every night I come home I¡¯m surrounded by memories of her. All the times she cried and all the times I held her in my arms. All the times she tried to escape from my arms only to be pulled back in. And that one sweet time she pulled me back to her. All the heart-to-heart talks, good and bad. I was going to throw all that away because I thought she celebrated a marriage I already knew existed? She didn¡¯t tell me any details, the things better left unsaid, because she didn¡¯t want to lose me, not because she didn¡¯t love me. After each time Jackson harassed her, after each time her son looked at her and begged her not to leave and even after Katie¡¯s letter¡ªshe fought for us in some form, even if it had to be only a friendship. She simply didn¡¯t tell me things because she didn¡¯t want to lose me, not that she didn¡¯t love me. She¡¯s angry like never before because she loved me a great deal more than she ever loved Jackson. Funny to think we fought for the same things but viewed them opposingly against each other. To save us from eternal sadness, I had to find a way to connect to what she fought for, then she may see what I truly fought for too. We deserved the greatest joy imaginable, not the greatest sadness imaginable. Believing this love couldn¡¯t end this way, I had to gut out my internal house and redecorate it with our memories together, and not my past.Unauthorized usage: this tale is on Amazon without the author''s consent. Report any sightings.

    Later that evening, she sent me a text.

    ANYA: ¡°U alright?¡±

    ME: ¡°Yes. I am. R u?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yes. Worried about you but I always worry. Glad you told me what you told me today. I questioned your character but I know it was just because you were frustrated.¡±

    Anya would have never said ¡°yes¡±, if I hadn¡¯t said it, as she always tried to meet me where I was emotionally. When she questioned my character, I found if funny only in the sense my feelings were because I questioned hers. I ignored her jab though, and tried to keep my focus on fixing my side of the fence.

    ME: ¡°I just need to talk to someone, a therapist. I think it will help with all I¡¯m dealing with and not lead to any more pressure from me.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m sure a therapist will tell you not to ever speak to me again, but I hope we can continue contact at least at some level.¡±

    It was something I never considered a therapist would tell me. And if she felt a therapist would tell me that, why would she fight me on anything I felt?

    ME: ¡°I could never take that advice.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°No matter what anyone or any professional tells you or me, we have to believe that what we had was extraordinary and true. I don¡¯t want to lose that. We were one. I¡¯ll always believe that. We don¡¯t always get to marry or end up with our soulmates but I know in my heart that I was given the opportunity to at least meet mine.¡±

    Her first sentence warmed my heart, but also left me to wonder if she truly believed this, how come she couldn¡¯t vouch for me? At least enough to make a promise? I didn¡¯t care for her last sentence much just because she had something to fall back on. She truly lost nothing and risked nothing if she knew Jackson would want her to start fresh if he knew. At least she had the opportunity to have kids and be a mom¡ªshe took the chance for me to have a family away from me because it would take years for me to trust again. Lucky me¡ªbeing stuck in limbo forever because I met my soulmate. People who don¡¯t end up with their soulmates never meet them and that¡¯s why they never end up together for the most part. They don¡¯t hide a hole they are in from them giving them false hope to begin with. Now, it seemed I¡¯d be buried alone next to strangers. She was just happy for the opportunity while I opted for more than that¡ªan option she led me to believe existed when we first met. That if I swept her off her feet, something the word soulmate implied, that she would be with me¡ªno permission asked from anyone. I wasn¡¯t going to see a therapist to end us, but to save us.

    ME: ¡°If my therapist discounts my love for you then he/she will not be my therapist. I¡¯m going there for help because I need to love who I am, and that would only set me further back.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I love you and I always will. I promise.¡±

    ME: ¡°I love you and I always will too. I promise. Please don¡¯t worry about me, of course I hurt, but I¡¯ll be ok.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m crying I can¡¯t help it.¡±

    ME: ¡°Why Sweetheart? We¡¯re going to both be ok you know. No one can ever take away or have what we had together.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°No, no one can. Listening to my old playlists and reflecting. I couldn¡¯t listen to them for the longest time but I think I¡¯m facing my emotions now. Crying.¡±

    Her tears caught me by surprise. My intent wasn¡¯t to make her cry but to ease her mind about me. To be honest, I thought of the bridge more than ever, and how it might be my only way out. Another reason I needed to seek help, a fate I might be left to face. All we shared just meant everything to me. It brought me back to a time of happiness in my life I never thought I¡¯d feel again. It wouldn¡¯t be her fault though. It would be my own and my inability to deal with a past that haunted me like never before. Love, true love, meant everything to have in life to me. I didn¡¯t want to fall into the earth trap by trying to achieve heaven on earth, but with half my life gone, the odds were against me if this didn¡¯t work out between us. When Anya went to her old playlists though, I felt hope even as she told me there was none. Just like the times she showed me ¡°I love you¡± without telling me those exact words. I believed her heart was like mine, and would not give up on us. I wanted to better myself so she faced no more ¡°outrage¡± from me ever again.

    ME: ¡°There r so many songs that I hear and you¡¯re the only thing that pops into my head. Like ¡°Babylon¡± and ¡°This Year¡¯s Love¡± by David Gray. Everything by Michael Buble, Greg Laswell, Damien Rice¡¯s ¡°Cannonball¡±. Every time I hear these song it takes me to a very happy time in my life. It¡¯s so crazy. Even happy songs you burned for me can make me cry.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I know what you mean.¡±

    Who could ever take that away from us? She could be with Jackson out to dinner at a Spanish restaurant and ¡°Toda Una Vida¡± will elicit an emotional response in her because she would think of me, and what she lost, even years from now. I couldn¡¯t let her go down that road because I knew whenever I heard any of the hundreds of songs she burned for me, I would always think of her too, no matter who I was with.

    ME: ¡°I will always remember every moment we had.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Me too baby.¡±

    ME: ¡°You¡¯re the only one I could call ¡°babe¡± and ¡°baby¡±. You¡¯ll always be babe and baby to me. Hope ur doing ok over there.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ok¡±

    After five straight days of going back and forth with each other, it was nice to have the peace that bred hope again. If this therapist discounted my love for Anya, or hers for me, I would have to seek others until I found the right one. Although I had my doubts, I felt they mostly existed because of my past failure to women. It was such a powerful and intolerant defense mechanism it had to lend to the delusional at times. I loved Anya too much to not trust in her love for me. A different outlook would produce the man she fell in love with, and bring back the most beautiful woman in the world to me. We were worth it.

    I didn¡¯t hear from her the following day, the 27<sup>th</sup> one in June, but I felt we both needed the break as we texted each other non-stop to help find a solution to my emotional break down. It allowed me to catch up with work and find the time to look for a therapist in my medical insurance directory. I decided to try this psychiatrist office in Irvine, near my work, as they seemed to help with all the symptoms I struggled with. I chose to go with a female doctor over a male one as I believed she could provide more insight into how women think. I wanted to absorb myself in Anya¡¯s perspective on things so I could be a better man for her.

    The next day, on my lunch hour, I reached out to Anya to see how she was doing.

    ANYA: ¡°I feel bad all around.¡±

    ME: ¡°What is meant to be, will be babe. I know you really tried.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°You¡¯re right. I read a quote last night ¡°Life is short, never regret anything that made you smile¡±. I like that. Made me smile.¡±

    If Anya truly believed she betrayed her kids in anyway, she wouldn¡¯t have smiled. Her regret existed because of the pain she felt, and maybe because it distracted her from the kids the last five days. If she would never regret being with me, then she didn¡¯t truly love Jackson, and she didn¡¯t betray her kids, and that made me smile.

    ME: ¡°That¡¯s a nice quote. My only regret is hurting you the way I did. I feel if I love who I am, I would¡¯ve never hurt you because I would just feel it was your loss (not in an arrogant way but a self confident way). I feel this is my loss though. I feel I failed you. I would feel these things anyway, but just to a lesser degree.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I know you didn¡¯t want to hurt me. I understand what you¡¯re trying to tell me.¡±

    ME: ¡°In no way. You kept telling me I was hurting you and I didn¡¯t really get it because I felt ¡°Well you¡¯re hurting me too, u know¡±. I¡¯ve realized you weren¡¯t hurting me at all. My feelings of self loathe were hurting me and then in turn, hurting you. I really hurt you though. I never meant to. You¡¯re beautiful, you know.¡±

    I truly meant what I said to her. Although on the surface, I felt the truth would set her free, and not hurt her. It would force her to choose, and so I¡¯d knew what direction I had to take, but if she claimed it would hurt her and the kids, especially the kids, I didn¡¯t mean to do that. I just wanted to force her into honesty, and away from the lies and distrust. I didn¡¯t think it would hurt her, but if she said it would, then I had to believe her.

    ANYA: ¡°I know you didn¡¯t mean to. You¡¯re a beautiful person. I hope you learn to love yourself because there is no other like you. You¡¯re very special and I¡¯m thankful.¡±

    ME: ¡°Thanks babe. I wish I could see myself the way you see me.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Babe you have sooo much going for yourself ¨C looks, smarts, personality, kind heart, profession! It¡¯s my loss.¡±

    I didn¡¯t want this to be her loss. If she truly believed I represented all these things, this is why she deserved me. She deserved the best version of me though, one who saw the same things in myself she did. If I could do that, our love would even be more spectacular than I dreamed it could be.

    When the next day arrived, I finally got the guts to call and set an appointment up at the psychiatrist¡¯s office. After I did so, I texted Anya to see how her day was going.

    ANYA: ¡°Holding up ok. How r u? Another beautiful day.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m holding up ok, too. Just wanted to check in and let you know I set up an appointment to meet with a psychiatrist. I felt a little awkward doing it.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Why awkward hun? I¡¯m proud of you for doing that.¡±

    ME: ¡°Idk, I guess they probably think they¡¯re talking to some kind of crazy guy on the other end of the line. I¡¯m just trying to be a better person.¡±

    After I gave the receptionist my name, I felt the call made me feel inferior to them. I guess it made me feel like I wasn¡¯t a normal person anymore, but then again, if the call made me feel that way, it only provided me with more evidence of why I needed to make it. It also made me feel by seeing a therapist that it was admitting I was nuts, and it would change Anya¡¯s feelings for me. I really hoped by admitting I could use some help that it may stop her from using us in the past tense. As I thought these very things, Anya tried to connect with me as she seemed to sense the reason for my fears.

    ANYA: ¡°You know I still think about you every second. Even though we¡¯re not together. I never stop thinking about you and what we had. Just want you to know. Good memories.¡±

    ME: ¡°Thank you. It¡¯s the same for me too. The best times I¡¯ve ever had in my life were all spent with you. You made them good memories for me.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Hope I didn¡¯t bum you out with what I said. I just wanted you to know that I don¡¯t just go about my day as if my life hasn¡¯t changed.¡±

    ME: ¡°You didn¡¯t bum me out. It helps to know that. After all we¡¯ve been through the last five days, it means a lot to me. You¡¯re embedded in me no matter what happens.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Not sure if it¡¯s such a good idea to keep telling you. Just didn¡¯t want you to think I can walk away that easily. You¡¯re forever embedded.¡±

    ME: ¡°It helps me to know and I appreciate it.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°That¡¯s funny we used the same word ¡°embedded¡± while texting at the same time.¡±

    ME: ¡°We¡¯re always connected on some level, babe.¡±

    As I worried about Anya, and about the things that went on in her home, I lost sight of her feelings for me. It became about ¡°me¡± in a way I¡¯m sure she wasn¡¯t used to. I had to get my mind straightened out, and back focused on work as well. I hoped a therapist could be a mediator between my heart and mind¡ªto bring forth a peace treaty with the two. I had to admit to the world, I breathed with my heart, and not my lungs. Life brought the most happiness when the heart won over the mind, but it came at a great risk and at a great cost in this world. A world that grew further away from love over the years. Even Anya herself viewed it as irrational and unrealistic. I guess in the sense nothing really lasts forever, it made sense she felt that way. I just thought we had something different between us¡ªif it didn¡¯t last forever it would last for a lot longer time than her and Jackson¡¯s ever did. If the situation was removed, and she truly loved me, there was no doubt in my mind there were some things that last forever.

    If a bridge couldn¡¯t be built between my heart and mind, I would have to accept my belief in love was outdated, childish, ridiculous and worst of all, unrealistic. Regardless of having a great career in front of me with many opportunities to be happy in this world, it would have to be done solo and forever lonely¡ªa never ending sadness hid behind a smile and worldly possessions. I would never trust in anyone¡¯s love again. If I heard ¡°I love you¡± from the lips of another woman again, I would only hear ¡°I love what you can give me¡± or ¡°I love what I can take from you¡±. Anya represented my last hope in women and their ability to know what love truly was. I¡¯d forever believe women I found myself attracted to only cared about what they could receive from me. If I had fallen in love in high school, or met someone when I had nothing but dreams, I could trust in a woman¡¯s love for me¡ªI knew they loved me for me. As I got older, and although I didn¡¯t believe this applied to all other men and women, love would never find its way back to me again¡ªI¡¯d be too fearful and skeptical to ever let it back in. I didn¡¯t want to live a life that way. As awkward I felt about not feeling like a normal person after I gave the receptionist at the psychiatrist¡¯s office my name, the truth was simply this¡ªto the rest of the world, I was far from normal.

    When the afternoon of the last day of the month of June came upon me, Anya sent me a text.

    ANYA: ¡°Today is the 30<sup>th</sup>.¡±

    ME: ¡°I know. A lot of good memories over the last nineteen months!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°For sure! I don¡¯t want to make you sad or give you hope but just want to share with you that I wore my thingie today. I put it on 1<sup>st</sup> thing this morning. Good memories.¡±

    When I read ¡°Today is the 30<sup>th</sup>¡±, the day of the month we met nineteen months ago, a tear transited down my cheek. It meant a lot she remembered not the day we met, but the day we reconnected¡ªthe day we decided to give it a try. I fought so hard to have the love I forever believed in¡ªthis just meant more to me than she could ever comprehend. I dreamt of this growing up, but she never did. Of course, I would fight for her love more than she would fight for mine. Of course, I would do crazy things that scared her. When you¡¯ve waited for this your entire life¡ªI had no choice but to fight for it by all means necessary. Again, if I could get my head straight then maybe I could give her the hope I took away from her with my pain. Even after all our disagreements, and all the bad vibes, she still believed, but I still had to deliver. For her to put her thingie on first thing on this morning, it breathed new life into me.

    ME: ¡°Babe, please don¡¯t feel you can¡¯t tell me things like that. It only validates why I think you¡¯re so beautiful. Hope or no hope. Sad or happy, that made my day. It also made me smile and tear up at the same time. It is the 30<sup>th</sup>. I love you forever.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I love you forever.¡±

    After five days of absolute hell, of what seemed like a darkest of nightmares. my life had morphed into this¡ªa day of much needed healing. It breathed life into the dream of a lighted Eiffel Tower under a Paris moon.

    As the day carried on, Clyde came by my office and asked me if I could perform a period end inventory count at midnight for the client we had near the LAX airport. Audit managers were never asked to perform inventory counts, but since the firm had to lay off some of its Audit staff, I couldn¡¯t say ¡°no¡± now only one month away from becoming a partner of the firm. Later that evening, just as a blue sky moon began its journey into the rays of the Sun, Anya texted me again.

    ANYA: ¡°U know I miss u. Again, not trying to start anything. Just miss u, that¡¯s all.¡±

    ME: ¡°I understand, babe. Thank you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°You just get used to it, just like you are with your schedule.¡±

    ME: ¡°Do you understand now why I adore you so much? This might surprise you, but I miss you too, and I¡¯ll never stop missing you. I¡¯m not going to the therapist to forget about you. I¡¯m going because I want to love you better.¡±

    After I informed Anya I had to drive to LAX to perform an emergency inventory count at midnight, We both wished each other a ¡°goodnight¡±, as I got in my car and began my forty mile freeway trek. My face carried a smile the entire time thinking of the great kindness of Anya¡¯s texts to me¡ªlistening to the CD¡¯s she burned for me on my drive to work. I arrived an hour early before the count began so I could grab the inventory listing to plan out the most efficient way to perform the count. All I had to do was recount some high value inventory items to confirm their existence so I hoped it would only take a couple of hours. The count ended up only taking an hour and I was back home by two in the morning. A few hours later after I arrived home, Anya texted me after my longer than anticipated night counting artichokes.

    ANYA: ¡°U awake? How did it go last nite?¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m awake. It went ok. I can¡¯t believe we¡¯re in July already.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I know! Before you know it we¡¯ll be out X-mas shopping!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Have a good day.¡±

    ME: ¡°I miss u, u know. You never leave my mind for a second. Just wanted you to know.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I know. I miss u too. I¡¯m going to be in Vegas for Katie¡¯s competition week July 5<sup>th</sup> ¨C 11<sup>th</sup>. I¡¯m staying at the MGM cuz that¡¯s where the comps are being held. The whole fam is going until Tuesday and then it will be Katie and I from Wed to Sat.¡±

    ME: ¡°That sounds like a lot of fun.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°As much as I would love for you to go to Vegas on Wed, I don¡¯t think it¡¯s a good idea. You¡¯re not offended, are you?¡±

    I really wasn¡¯t offended by that at all, just again, another inconsistency from her, but I grew used to them by now. I just had to keep my eyes on the bigger picture and realize why she felt that way.

    ANYA: ¡°Sorry never mind. Ttyl!¡±

    ME: ¡°I didn¡¯t think there would be a chance to see you if I went. Wasn¡¯t expecting anything really. Not saying it wouldn¡¯t be nice though.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I don¡¯t mind if you go to LV when I¡¯m there. You can go whenever you want. Of course, it would be nice but I just don¡¯t think it¡¯s a good idea to see each other.¡±

    ME: ¡°Not a good idea. Ok.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°My heart couldn¡¯t take it.¡±

    ME: ¡°I understand.¡±

    When she told me her ¡°heart couldn¡¯t take it¡±, I felt the same as she did; maybe it wasn¡¯t such a good idea.

    ANYA: ¡°Did I bum you out? I shouldn¡¯t have told you. I¡¯m beating myself up for saying something.¡±

    ME: ¡°No babe. I know you want to see me.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ok thank u. Glad u know that.¡±

    ME: ¡°Ok I am bummed out. Would love to have experienced LV with you. It¡¯s hard. Hard not to want to love you because I do so much.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m sorry. Do you understand now why I can¡¯t tell you things? It makes you sad therefore makes me sad. I don¡¯t want to be down. It¡¯s not me.¡±

    If she¡¯s a person who is never down, why did she lead me to believe she was when we first met? It could have spared me from this pain I felt. I needed to know these things whether they hurt me or not. If she was afraid to feel ¡°sad¡± then what was her incentive to be honest with me, and that¡¯s what led to my trust issues with her.

    ME: ¡°I guess I thought maybe you wanted to see me. My mistake.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I do but not a good idea. Please don¡¯t start. I had a really bad day.¡±

    Her ¡°really bad day¡± shut me down really quick as my concern shifted from me to her.

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m not upset. I¡¯m sorry. It¡¯s ok. Why a bad day?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Just one of those shitty days w/everything that¡¯s all.¡±

    I wasn¡¯t being fair to her about this, and after I knew she had a bad day, I felt bad for what I said.

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry to hear that babe. I just love you, ok? I¡¯m not mad. Wish I could give you a hug. I¡¯m here for you if you need to talk.¡±

    After an hour passed and I didn¡¯t hear back from her, I sent her another text to acknowledge my fault.

    ME: ¡°Guess I can¡¯t blame you for not wanting to tell me anything. I love u, u know. Take care over there.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Thank you. I love u.¡±

    I¡¯m sure her love began to wane for me after my latest misstep. Emotionally, I was not the same man she met¡ªI loved her more than ever. Anything she did without me was crushing. The things she shared at times felt like getting burned on the stove¡ªa reaction you can¡¯t control. My emotions were like that now and they singed me each and every time¡ªespecially when Jackson was around. I couldn¡¯t penalize her for being a mom, and for Jackson being a father. It felt like I had no choice to not be hurt by the things she did anymore, even as legitimate as they were to everyone else. Unfortunately, those legitimate things on the outside is what kept me in pain and apart from the only one who could stop it.

    When the next day arrived, I planned to leave her alone. If she wanted to share anything with me, she would. I knew she didn¡¯t want to give me any false hope, but she already did that for the last nineteen months. The truth was, she feared to give me any fuel, and any further good reasons I had for her to leave Jackson.

    ANYA: ¡°How r u?¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m ok. Just having a late lunch. How r u?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m ok. Just another day of driving around. Oh, that¡¯s nice babe! Have a great lunch! Smile!¡±

    Her ¡°smile¡± melted me like butter in a microwave set on high as I seemed to forget all I felt earlier. When my day came to an end, and I was back at my apartment, I texted her.

    ME: ¡°R u having a better day today?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Hi! I¡¯m just having drama w/Debbie. She¡¯s sooo emotional I can¡¯t stand it!¡±

    Anya brought me to another reason why I adored Debbie, she was an emotional human being with real feelings like me. If Anya couldn¡¯t stand her being ¡°sooo emotional¡±, how did she truly feel about me? Did she have any real empathy or was she someone I never knew?

    ME: ¡°Was this why you had a shitty day yesterday?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yes but one of many challenges yesterday.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry. If I may ask, why is she being so emotional?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°She knows about the BU and she hasn¡¯t been a very good supportive friend so I pulled away and now she¡¯s whining.¡±

    ME: ¡°What? This is about the BU? It can¡¯t be.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yes why not?¡±

    This was about our break-up? Why would she feel Debbie wasn¡¯t being supportive? I could only reason it was because she and Carolyn both advised her to leave me after six months, but they should be mad at me for that, but not mad at Anya¡ªwe both felt six months wasn¡¯t enough time for her to leave. I couldn¡¯t blame Debbie at all for not being ¡°supportive¡±. She knew I was the second guy here, and not the first. How many times would Debbie have to go through this with her? Debbie helped enable Anya, and even stuck her neck out for her, like a good friend would. I hoped, even though I could be wrong, Debbie saw the wrong in what she did to both Lance and I, and decided not to enable her anymore.

    ME: ¡°She wants you to cut off all contact I bet.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°No. Please don¡¯t assume.¡±

    In my heart, I wanted to believe she wanted Anya to do the right thing, come clean, and leave Jackson, if she truly loved me. I remembered one time Debbie mentioned we had two things she didn¡¯t have with Jackson¡ªtrust and respect. We truly had both those things if Anya were to leave Jackson. Maybe Debbie wasn¡¯t being supportive of the break up because she knew we belonged together if Anya still loved me. As I continued to discuss what happened with Anya, the more I wanted to believe she wanted her to leave Jackson, and it¡¯s why I was so intrigued.

    ME: ¡°I love that woman! Haha!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Drama queen.¡±

    She decided to stop talking to Debbie for reasons she didn¡¯t know of. Didn¡¯t Anya¡¯s silence create the drama? Didn¡¯t Anya approaching me at Sonoma¡¯s over two years ago prompt the drama between us? Could she at least see her role in anything she did that left people to react emotionally to her?

    ME: ¡°Does Debbie see you in pain over us? I¡¯m just curious. I know you have been hurting pretty bad. So have I, of course.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°She told me I¡¯m ignoring her and I told her she¡¯s not sensitive to my pain. She said ¡°What do u mean I¡¯ve been totally supportive¡± which is not true. I¡¯m sick of it. I don¡¯t need drama!¡±

    What I heard sounded similar to something Mitch had said to me. Although, I never received his support from day one, he certainly would never be sensitive to my pain.

    ME: ¡°Sounds familiar. I think I know how you feel. Does she discount your feelings for me? Tells you it wasn¡¯t real? I¡¯m not assuming.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°No¡±

    ME: ¡°Makes it seem like it¡¯s easy to move on?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Way off¡±

    ME: ¡°She must not support the BU. She must not know everything though. How bad it¡¯s been. Then again, she doesn¡¯t know about his infidelity too. Of course, I¡¯m just taking a stab at this.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Wrong again. It¡¯s nothing but girl drama. She wants my attention.¡±

    Anya¡¯s responses of ¡°wrong again¡± and ¡°way off¡±, felt cold and uncalled for. She told me this drama was because of the break up so what else was I left to think? Anya demanded Debbie to be sensitive to her pain, yet Anya, I felt, wasn¡¯t being sensitive to mine.

    ME: ¡°You told me it was related to the BU so that¡¯s why I texted you my thoughts.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°It does but not directly. Please don¡¯t read into it. I just wanted to tell you I¡¯m having drama with Debbie, that¡¯s all.¡±

    ME: ¡°I think she will understand that you were hurt because you felt, she, as your friend, wasn¡¯t being supportive. Just let her think about it b/c that what it seems to boil down to. I don¡¯t think you¡¯re being unreasonable to think she would be there for you especially being as close as you are. I¡¯d be hurt too.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s ok. We¡¯ll work it out. Thank u.¡±

    After this exchange we had, I had some soul searching to do. If Anya didn¡¯t even treat me like a trusted lover anymore, then what was the point? I felt more burden than confidant now. If she couldn¡¯t allow me to save her. If she defended Jackson, the man who murdered her heart over the man who cared for it, then what was the point of me being in her life? I had to disappear for a while so I sent Anya a series of texts to let her know, I¡¯m not needed in her life without letting her know it¡¯s how I felt.

    ME: ¡°What do you think of me as a friend?¡±

    ME: ¡°True heartbreak is when the one you love doesn¡¯t want to be with you. I think I need to embrace my true heartbreak. Everything I say just isn¡¯t coming out right because my heart is still into us being together, but I think only one of us feels that way, and I feel that¡¯s me. I want to be your friend but I have to be a good one and I¡¯m not because I still want to be with you.¡±

    ME: ¡°I just feel you don¡¯t trust me with anything and it doesn¡¯t feel like I¡¯m much of anything to you anymore.¡±

    ME: ¡°I just need to be a good friend and I can¡¯t because my heart is still into us. I¡¯m sorry.¡±

    Anya had gotten enough mileage out of me and my love for her. She never planned to leave nor would she ever. All she wanted was someone to sound off on, some dope to listen to her so she didn¡¯t have to bring it home to her kids and Jackson¡ªto save her marriage. If the woman at the game wasn¡¯t enough evidence for her to leave, on top of having me in her life, what was my purpose? What was my real purpose to begin with?

    I believed she would come back with ¡°I wanted to be with you¡±, but how could that be when she only ¡°struggled¡± to stay? She fought back all her emotions of being with me for two years. While she asked me to fight for her, and I did that, she fought her own good conscience not to be with me¡ªconsidering all the ways it couldn¡¯t work out instead of any of the ways it could. She used words to describe our relationship as ¡°extraordinary¡±, ¡°real¡± and ¡°we weren¡¯t one of those things¡±, yet it felt like she only convinced herself of those things, never truly believing them. She called me ¡°very special¡± and ¡°one of a kind¡± but how could that be true if she chose to remain with Jackson? It even felt as if she did these things intentionally so I would pressure her, so she¡¯d create a reason not to leave. And how was that loving someone? The reality was financial security, comfort, and what people would think of her if she left, were always more important to her than being with me. I didn¡¯t know if that was fair to believe or say, but it¡¯s what it felt like to me. I understood mothers made sacrifices for their children, and yes, I would never know a mother¡¯s pain for her children. But, if we were to take away the financial security and the comfort her marriage afforded them all, I believed she would be with me. The first day she allowed me to believe what we shared was ¡°extraordinary¡± and ¡°real¡±, and ¡°very special¡± and ¡°one of a kind¡± is the day she should have left him, but the reality is she still didn¡¯t know if she could ever leave. As much as she told me it¡¯s not him versus me, it was¡ªmaybe not in her love for me versus him, but what he gave her kids versus what I couldn¡¯t give.

    I couldn¡¯t sleep a wink that night, as without a friendship to fall on, I awaited her verdict; to do the thing I now began to believe she planned to eventually do all along; to leave me with a heart in pieces and a life in shambles.

 CHAPTER 10 ~ HOW LOVE BECOMES A VERB

    ¡°The things that you told me

    I don''t know if I was dreaming

    And dreams aren''t enough

    Life is so lonely

    I need someone to believe in

    Are you in love?

    Can''t you see that''s everything to me?

    That''s enough.¡±

    ¡°Magdalene¡± ~ Boston

    ANYA: ¡°So the only solution is to stop contact?

    Surprised to hear Anya¡¯s coldness to my solution, it warmed my heart to hear her fight me on it¡ªtaking anything positive these days to get me through them. But then, she struck again.

    ANYA: ¡°Ok. I will respect your decision.¡±

    Was this really on me? She treated me coldly the other day and I felt guilty about it because my heart was still into us finding a way to be together.

    ME: ¡°You¡¯re acting like this is something I want. You were pretty nasty to me yesterday.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°OMG! R u serious?¡±

    ME: ¡°You told me the drama was b/c of the BU then u told me ¡°Not directly¡±. I didn¡¯t know what to believe.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yes it was but not directly. She knows about the BU but she hasn¡¯t asked me how I was doing w/it lately b/c she is so self absorbed these days.¡±

    ME: ¡°Oh, Ok.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°So I started to back off hence the ¡°hurt¡± feelings b/c she thought I was ignoring her. Like I said, girl drama! I¡¯m sorry I confided in u!¡±

    I didn¡¯t think the ¡°sorry I confided in u¡± was necessary but I chalked it up to being a knee jerk reaction for telling her she was ¡°nasty¡± to me the other day¡ªand she was. I¡¯ve been nasty to her too of late so I had to let this go.

    ME: ¡°You told me it was about the BU, so I thought it had something to do with the details of it. I don¡¯t know the first thing about girl drama.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Why should I share details?¡±

    ME: ¡°U have to understand one thing, if nothing at all. I have to deal with him in conjunction with my hurt. You don¡¯t have to deal with that. I¡¯m jealous of that. You¡¯ve told me Debbie and Carolyn knows all we have shared so I thought so.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Did you think I shared with them the threat? I would never do that! They think the world of u!¡±

    My hurt feelings have disconnected me from what Anya was telling me. Text messaging created dissonance naturally but my emotions compounded my lack of understanding what she tried to tell me. It really was unfair to her that I couldn¡¯t rein in the unknown variable¡ªthe fear that gripped me that my life neared its end. How could I tell her that our love was truly life or death for me? All I could do was let my fear, an entity I lost all control of, cloud her message.

    ME: ¡°If you told them, it would only be fair to tell them that he cheated on you several times too. I would want them to understand what my reasons were. I will never defend him.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Look, I don¡¯t want to get into another fight with you again.¡±

    My fear disconnected me from why Anya considered this a threat. I wanted so badly for this to be real. As long as she stayed there, in my distressed mind, she loved Jackson and not me. Her considering telling Jackson a threat instead of setting her into the light of the truth, the light I¡¯m sure God wanted for her, it made me feel used. After all my past heartbreaks, I need Anya because she represented all I ever believed in and why I held out for so long. She made sense of everything and she was right there for the taking. She even gave me her heart and soul but how come she didn¡¯t want to belong to me? Telling me she didn¡¯t want to hurt anyone is something she should¡¯ve told me in the beginning, not nearly two years later¡ªit really fucked me up in the mind. Even though the threat meant something entirely different to her than it did to me¡ªshe thought that would destroy any chance of her seeing me ever again. While I looked at it as an opportunity for us to be together. Fear had only one mission¡ªto keep the disconnect in place.

    ME: ¡°Take your pain and times it by 50. Not trying to minimize what you feel but it¡¯s not the same.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ur getting angry and I can feel myself escalating again. I don¡¯t want to repeat this¡ªI don¡¯t want to fight.¡±

    ME: ¡°Why r u angry?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Because u r starting w/me again. How many times do u want to make me feel like shit? I¡¯m crying again and I have to get ready for Andrew¡¯s Bday Party.¡±

    After reading her text, I didn¡¯t know how to respond. When she broke this down, how could I disagree with her? Why am I making her feel like shit? Yet, she never told me one time to fuck off, even while getting ready for Andrew¡¯s birthday party.

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m tired of watching Andrew walking on eggshells w/me in fear of making me cry.¡±

    She paralyzed me with her words, and I felt defeated. How could I keep putting her through this? Picturing that scene at her house was probably one of the things she told me I never knew about. She tried everything reasonably in her power to not lose me, but my pursuit to make us real left her in pieces¡ªin front of her son.

    ANYA: ¡°Damn it! I¡¯m a f***in mess now and I can¡¯t get anything done! I just want to die!¡±

    She further paralyzed me with her last statement¡ªI just want to die. I knew the feeling she described all too well¡ªwhy my work went down in quality. I didn¡¯t know what to say other than to tell her I was through¡ªI was responsible for this.

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m done with it.¡±

    The entire afternoon I couldn¡¯t extract myself from bed¡ªI felt awful about how she felt but I had no one to blame but myself for it. She meant the world to me and it seemed my fear of losing her forever and being played for a fool, wouldn¡¯t allow me to communicate that to her the right way. She had every right in the world to be angry with me. She hung in there for me¡ªthere could be no other reason, and Andrew was a witness to it all. I needed to see a therapist more than ever before¡ªI couldn¡¯t control myself. Five hours later, I sent her a text.

    ME: ¡°Hey, hope you¡¯re doing okay. Look, I¡¯m sorry about what happened earlier. I hope the party is going well.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m in a lot of pain and I just thought I wasn¡¯t being a good friend. I don¡¯t want to stop contact. I just thought I would get on some medication so I could be a better friend. Believe it or not, I was thinking of you. U know my life is terribly depressing without you.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry again. I hope Andrew is having a great time. Take care over there.¡±

    After sending the last text, I laid back down in a bed I never left that day. As I laid my phone on the nightstand, its red-light started blinking.

    ANYA: ¡°I just don¡¯t know what to say.¡±

    ME: ¡°I know. What can you say or do anymore? I¡¯m trying not to say something that hurts you but the pain seeps in and I can¡¯t stop from doing it. It narrows everything down and blinds me from the big picture. Idk if that makes any sense to you.¡±

    ME: ¡°I want to be a good friend and if I can¡¯t be that, I¡¯m just going to make your life a living hell. I don¡¯t want what happened today to ever happen. I felt so bad for Andrew when you told me that.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I get it. Be well, Landyn. I¡¯m trying. Today was a wow moment.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m trying to keep it together for Andrew. Wow as in I thought we were ok but we¡¯re really not. I¡¯m done with it like ur ¡°done with it¡±.¡±

    The beautiful thing about Anya is she rarely used the word ¡°I¡± or ¡°you to describe us when we had issues. She always used the word ¡°we¡± and it was one of those special things about her. My arguments did carry a much more selfish nature to them than hers ever did, and I loved her for it. I had a roadblock most people who loved someone didn¡¯t have to deal with and she was the only one who could break that down¡ªand it hurt she couldn¡¯t see any positives in doing that.

    The next day was Andrew¡¯s actual birthday, the fourth of July. I didn¡¯t even attempt to get out of bed on this day¡ªI knew I wouldn¡¯t hear from her, but later that afternoon I did.

    ANYA: ¡°Happy 4<sup>th</sup> to you.¡±

    When I imagined her surrounded by family, neighbors and love, I felt extremely angry. Last year was completely different than today for me. I couldn¡¯t remember a time I wasn¡¯t somewhere watching fireworks, but I felt dead inside¡ªa burden to everyone.

    ME: ¡°Sorry I just woke up. All I do is sleep my life away these days. I¡¯ll try. You too.¡±

    After all that happened the day prior, I couldn¡¯t blame her for not texting me back at all. I hated to even tell her what I did but I felt removed from the entire world¡ªthe most depressed I had ever been. My mom was too sick for fireworks and I was too sick to even leave the comfort of my bedroom. I¡¯m sure my mother left her bed the entire day and she had Cancer. That¡¯s when I knew my mind had defeated my heart.

    The next morning, surprisingly she texted me.

    ANYA: ¡°How r u? How was ur 4<sup>th</sup>?¡±

    ME: ¡°It was ok. How was yours? How r u?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Same here u know. It was Andrew¡¯s Bday so hung out w/him and his friends. I¡¯m ok. How¡¯s ur mom?¡±

    ME: ¡°She¡¯s ok. I felt bad about what I put you through the other day. Hope you know I missed you yesterday.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I know u did. I missed u too.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry we had to end up this way.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I know babe. My heart is broken.¡±

    Anya left for Vegas later this day and more heartbreak and loneliness was on the docket for me. She would be with Jackson and their kids for a few days before he left to do whatever it was he did. I didn¡¯t expect to hear from her at all and I prepared myself for the quiet. When she arrived in Vegas though, she contacted me.

    ANYA: ¡°Hot as heck here!¡±

    It surprised me to receive a text from her after I resigned myself to the fact I¡¯d never hear from her for a few days. She even sent me a text later that evening.

    ANYA: ¡°Going to bed b4 10pm in Vegas! How pathetic! Grandma!¡±

    ME: ¡°How was your first day?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Was w/Katie all day and went out to dinner w/other dance moms.¡±

    ME: ¡°The night is still young! You¡¯re in Vegas!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yea in Vegas every night is a late night I think.¡±

    The next day brought a text early the next morning apologizing for falling asleep the night before and that her foot and ankle were feeling better. The rest of the day brought complete silence from her and it depressed me. It seemed all we talked about anymore was the mundane and insignificant. I texted her back and she responded about ten hours later.

    ANYA: ¡°Thx. Still here. Award tonight. Packed!¡±

    The trip had a New York feel to it, more than a Vegas feel. An award ceremony? Since Jackson was with her, it seemed the trip was for something else other than an award show dance recital and it really left me unsettled. Being in Vegas with her husband, it seemed they were out for a night on the town while I was left at home left to rot. Nothing would¡¯ve stopped her in the past from texting me but now it seemed everything stopped her. Hell, she didn¡¯t even want me there with her. Her silence tripped me up yet again.

    ANYA: ¡°Think it¡¯s going to be 107 all week. Yikes.¡±

    Her silence the prior day left me to feel her text was obligatory and one done out of sympathy to pacify me. Then she would just disappear for the entire day as if I didn¡¯t exist in her life. I returned her text with the same spirit hers was sent to me.

    ME: ¡°Great. Good to know! Thx!¡±

    I then climbed in bed and sure as the sun rose each morning, I didn¡¯t hear back from her for the rest of the day. Imagining her surrounded by the fa?ade with the other dance moms just wrecked me inside¡ªhow could she do this to me? How could she have ever allowed me to fall deeply in love with her if this is what I had to endure? I just couldn¡¯t believe it. I guess guilt started to seep in and she texted me later that evening.

    ANYA: ¡°How r u? I¡¯m so tired.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m ok. What¡¯s going on?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Show all day and night.¡±

    ME: ¡°How did they do? Did you have to work backstage?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°They did well. No no back stage.¡±

    ME: ¡°Well I hope you¡¯re having some fun in between shows.¡±

    After I texted her my last response, she never responded to it¡ªlikely sensing I had some doubts if the shows lasted ¡°all day and all night¡±. Although I felt uneasy about the trip being a twenty-four seven dance marathon, all I could do was try to sleep it all off. After our exchanges over the last few days, I began to resign myself to this friendship never working out. The joy I felt with her was gone now, replaced by her unwillingness to make our love something beyond other than a secret. At this point I could only say ¡°what¡¯s the point¡±? It seemed like she had as much respect for the man who cheated on her several times as she did for me. I felt insulted each time the fa?ade reared it¡¯s phony money loving head. If she truly believed what we had was ¡°extraordinary¡± and ¡°real¡± and ¡°not one of these things¡± and I was ¡°one of a kind¡± and ¡°very special¡± then why couldn¡¯t she vouch for us and for me? I had to be grimly honest with myself¡ªshe couldn¡¯t be ¡°in love¡± with me¡ªshe now only loved me as much as she loved Jackson but I was only good enough to love, and not good enough to be with. She only respected men with money and status and she cannot even change that part of her. I had to start facing the facts¡ªnot one time, even as she shared their lives with me, not one time did she tell the man she loved that she wanted me to meet her kids one day. To her, I¡¯m a cancer not the cure. When the light of truth is turned on, she runs away like a cockroach would. The silence while she was in Vegas was deafening and although, I did have a part to blame in it, I just felt like a necessary evil to her at this point. At this point, I was lost more than ever before.

    It was at this time I decided to book a room at the Mandalay Bay¡ªthere was nothing more left to lose. My plan was to tell her of my whereabouts and it would be up to her if she wanted to see me. My heart couldn¡¯t take it anymore and my first therapist session was a week away. This was a monster gamble for me. Figuring she was with Katie when she came to see me in San Diego, there would be a good chance to see her. Being with her helped calm my anxieties and I needed her more than ever. I couldn¡¯t stay bed ridden from being love sick¡ªrefusing to be anything less than the cure.

    When I arrived in Vegas after my five hour drive, I texted Anya.

    ME: ¡°Babe, there is no pressure, but I wanted to let you know I¡¯m in Vegas and I¡¯m staying at the Mandalay Bay. If there is a chance to see you, it would be great, if not, I totally understand. I just needed to get out of the house and I¡¯d feel better knowing there was someone here for you and Katie if something were to happen.¡±Support the creativity of authors by visiting Royal Road for this novel and more.

    When she responded less than enthusiastically, I lost my wits and we had a back and forth like no other. I hit her with ¡°if you¡¯re in love with someone, you don¡¯t walk away from them¡± and she countered with ¡°sometimes showing love is walking away¡±, I then struck back with ¡°I need to feel that way for it to be true.¡±. I then hit her with some desperate bombs like ¡°You should¡¯ve told me your mom stayed for the kids and that half your friends have also¡± when we first met. She then threw another bomb at me ¡°we fell in love too quickly and I wasn¡¯t ready to share¡± and then quickly struck me with ¡°would it have made any difference?¡± Her first response I had to agree with¡ªwho would tell someone that the day they meet? I told her ¡°it would¡¯ve made a world of difference¡± because I would¡¯ve known what to expect so I could ease my fall. It wouldn¡¯t have stopped me from loving her but at least I¡¯d be aware of the outcome before I fell so deeply. Then she hit me with the deepest cut ever.

    ANYA: ¡°You¡¯ve ruined my day, my hope and my life.¡±

    As I paced the Mandalay Bay¡¯s casino floor, this text stopped me in my tracks¡ªit hurt me badly. She then went in for the kill.

    ANYA: ¡°Stop being so mean to me! I can¡¯t take your accusations anymore!¡±

    After reading her knockout punch, a haymaker that cut off my breathing, I had never felt so badly. What was I doing to this poor woman? How dare I put her through this? She didn¡¯t ask you to show up, you chose to. What made it even worse is she was surrounded by dance moms and kids¡ªnothing could¡¯ve been more selfish and wrong of me. I couldn¡¯t believe what my words and thoughts were doing to her. I sat down at a slot and put my phone down next to it. I pulled a hundred dollar bill out of my pocket, placed it into the machine then pulled down on the lever. A waitress suddenly appeared.

    ¡°Could I get ya somethin¡¯ to drink, Hon?¡± she asked.

    ¡°Crown on the rocks, please.¡± I replied, fighting back tears.

    She nodded then ten minutes later, after I lost that hundred dollar bill to the machine, she laid down my drink. I tipped her five dollars then downed the beverage in less than five minutes. After losing three hundred more dollars and consuming three more crowns on the rocks, I unsteadily rose from my seat and walked back to my room. When I got to my room, I threw myself down on the bed as the room began to spin¡ªI hardly drank anymore. I started searching for my phone to see if she had texted me, but it wasn¡¯t in my pockets. I then began to search the room before suddenly realizing I had taken my phone out of my pocket and placed it near the slot machine. After getting on the elevator to head back down to the casino''s gaming area and reaching the machine I was playing on, it was no longer there. I then tracked down my waitress and she told me she didn¡¯t see it but directed me to the lost and found. When I talked to the man behind the lost and found counter, he informed me no one had returned a cell phone. After returning to my room, I called my cell phone number and when what sounded like a Hispanic woman answered the phone, I knew it was gone for good.

    When I lost my phone, I wasn¡¯t upset by its loss, but worried about how Anya would perceive my silence if she texted me. It couldn¡¯t have come at a worse time¡ªwhen she told me I had ruined her life. It was the ultimate worst case scenario¡ªI didn¡¯t have the chip that carried her number and would have to wait until she texted me again. Additionally, it was now too late to buy a new phone because the stores were closed¡ªI¡¯d have to wait until the next morning then wait for her to text me.

    When the next morning arrived, I flagged down a taxi to get me to the nearest cell phone store in 117-degree heat. The only silver lining was that I needed a new phone and could now get a Blackberry¡ªthe phone Anya wanted me to have. My only fear was how she would believe I was upset with her and that¡¯s why I didn¡¯t respond to any of her texts¡ªnot because I lost my phone. Our conversation couldn¡¯t have ended on a more horrific note and it worried me that she might be worried about me. Yes, we fought and I deserved most of the hell she gave me that day, but she cared. There was no question she cared about me and us.

    When I set up my new Blackberry phone, I contemplated walking through MGM Grand to track her down but was afraid she might be with her daughter¡ªI didn¡¯t want to startle her if she thought I was upset enough to not give a damn about what her kids thought. It wasn¡¯t until five that evening that she sent me a text.

    ANYA: ¡°I wished and hoped I¡¯d run into u at the pool today. Just got back. Please tell me ur ok and I¡¯ll leave you alone.¡±

    My fingers couldn¡¯t keep up with all my thoughts telling her all that happened.

    ME: ¡°Honey I¡¯m fine. I laid my phone down yesterday after we talked and someone took it. I just got a new Blackberry phone today. I¡¯m glad u texted me because I don¡¯t know ur number. I knew u would worry because u worry about me and that worried me. This is the only message from you I¡¯m aware of. I hope ur ok.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I sent u messages yesterday. It¡¯s ok. I¡¯m glad ur ok. Thank you.¡±

    ME: ¡°I lost my phone at around 5 last night. I just picked up this phone an hour ago. Did u come to the Mandalay Bay?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yes¡±

    ME: ¡°I wish I had known. I didn¡¯t know how to get a hold of u to let u know I was ok because I was really worried about you worrying. I¡¯m so sorry. I can¡¯t believe you came here. Thank you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Just glad ur alright. I was worried sick.¡±

    What she told me made me feel a lot worse than the time she told me her sister in law was staying with her¡ªshe came to the Mandalay Bay looking for me. This was the love I fought for and why it stung so badly not to have her¡ªwomen don¡¯t do this kind of things for a man. Sure, they may come looking for them to see if they were being cheated on, but they don¡¯t come looking for a man who ripped their world to shreds the way I did on this trip¡ªher trip. After our spat, I thought she didn¡¯t want to see me at all and she came looking for the guy who intended to make her feel bad. In the end, I felt I had cheated on her.

    ME: ¡°Believe me, I was really worried about u being worried. If there was a way to let u know what happened, I would have but I knew u were with people.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I know. U leaving tomorrow? R u still here?¡±

    ME: ¡°Yes, I¡¯m still here. I may stay an extra day but it depends on how well I¡¯m doing. Otherwise, I plan on leaving tom.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°What r u doing for ur last nite? Have you gambled some more?¡±

    ME: ¡°I was just planning to hit the tables¡ªI¡¯ve been losing my shirt at the slots! It¡¯s all for fun though.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Oh good luck! Katie and I are going to see ¡°Love¡± (Beatles tribute) at the Mirage at 9:30 for our last nite here.¡±

    After receiving her text, I figured there would be no chance to see her¡ªI blew it by losing my phone. Really the trip couldn¡¯t have gone any worse for me at this point, but being able to reconnect with her saved the trip for me even though I never got the chance to see her. I thought about getting tickets to the show, but I figured it was sold out and I feared making Anya feel uncomfortable around Katie. I thought about seeing ¡°Nights in Rodanthe¡± in the same theater with her and I remembered how elated I was, especially when she handed me the heart note. At this point, we both deserved to sit next to each other, and not merely share the same theater. The funny thing was, if I had known about her plans sooner, I wouldn¡¯t have minded sharing the same theater again¡ªto be reunited with my life.

    ME: ¡°Thank you for ur texts and for coming by. I know I¡¯m not deserving of your kindness but it was very sweet. Thank you. Have a great time!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Where r u gambling tonite?¡±

    ME: ¡°I think I¡¯m just going to hang here at the Mandalay Bay.¡±

    That evening, I got dressed and grabbed dinner at Nobu at the Hard Rock Caf¨¦. I then took a taxi back to the Mandalay Bay and proceeded to lose another five hundred dollars at the slot machine. After a few drinks, I got over my loss and texted Anya.

    ME: ¡°I hope ur enjoying the show. Heading to the Luxor to gamble some more.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Just leaving show. It was great.¡±

    ME: ¡°Sounded like a great show. I¡¯m glad you enjoyed it.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Have a good time whatever u decide to do. Later.¡±

    The tone of her text was unanyalike, very unanyalike¡ªbut I didn¡¯t think too much of it. Afterall, she was with her daughter and dance moms. If I had any chance to see her at all it would¡¯ve been earlier down at the pool area. I just felt so guilty about ruining her day worrying about me. She may have had other plans that day and my emotions pulled her in another direction. I just had no right showing up in Vegas hoping to see her if I was going to criticize her at all if she didn¡¯t want to see me because she was with Katie. She told me the score and I took a chance coming out here¡ªthis was all on me. After another two hours at the Blackjack table and now down two thousand for the trip, I knew I had no right being here¡ªI unfairly disrupted her trip and time with Katie and paid for it. I then drunk texted her at about midnight.

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m just getting creamed at the tables! Wish I knew u were here today. Bummed. Goodnight.¡±

    The only reason I told Anya I was ¡°gambling¡± so that she wouldn¡¯t feel guilty if she didn¡¯t want to see me. The sole purpose of the trip was for a chance to see or hopefully hangout with her. I bet I would¡¯ve had much better luck with her by my side at the slot machine than I did alone. Being in Vegas without her by my side, knowing she was so close, just broke my heart even further. I thought being close to her would help me not go crazy and get me from spending more time trapped in my bed, but there wasn¡¯t much difference. Life surrounded me but I had never felt more lifeless.

    I never heard from her the following day. The drive home from Vegas was long and hard enough, but that particular drive home seemed like days, and not hours. The entire ride home I couldn¡¯t get her off my mind¡ªher silence confirming going to Vegas did no good for our relationship¡ªif it even existed at this point. When I got home, I checked my finances for the week, and then went to bed. When I woke the next morning, I texted her to see how she was doing.

    ME: ¡°Hi. When did you get home?¡±

    Two hours passed before she responded.

    ANYA: ¡°Yesterday¡±

    No period at the end of her sentence had me worried.

    ANYA: ¡°Glad u made it home ok¡±

    No period at the end of this one as well¡ªshe hid her emotions from me.

    ME: ¡°I was worried about u. I¡¯m glad u made it home ok too.¡±

    Fearing I would likely hear from her for the rest of the day, I tried to continue or textversation.

    ME: ¡°When I lost my phone, did you tell me you were coming to the Mandalay Bay? I have no idea what you texted me. When you get a chance can you please let me know in a nutshell what you said in those texts? I¡¯m clueless.¡±

    To be honest, I didn¡¯t understand why she hadn¡¯t text me at all yesterday¡ªit was very unlike her. I then began to worry that she told me something in those texts I never received because I had lost my phone. Was she now not talking to me? Was she still upset? I needed to know so I could quiet my mind.

    ANYA: ¡°I don¡¯t remember but yes I responded to you. Yes I told u what I was going to do that nite and that I was going to MB the next day. It doesn¡¯t matter.¡±

    ME: ¡°You came to the Mandalay Bay alone or with friends?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°My daughter¡±

    When she told me she came with her daughter it left me in a state of shock¡ªshe brought Katie with her? I couldn¡¯t believe it. When I saw she didn¡¯t have a period at the end, I felt her emotions telling me this and why she was upset with me.

    ME: ¡°You came to the Mandalay Bay in the morning. What did you do the night before? Did you come to the MB the night before too?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°It doesn¡¯t matter.¡±

    ME: ¡°Please, babe. I worried you sick and it matters to me. I¡¯d like to know.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I don¡¯t remember. After what was said to each other there¡¯s nothing more to say.¡±

    ME: ¡°Regardless what we said to each other, you still came by to see me b/c u were worried sick. I know I screwed up and it was entirely my fault¡ªI overreacted and I¡¯m to blame for it all. I had no business giving you a hard time. I just want to know how you¡¯re feeling and then I¡¯ll leave you alone.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I really wanted to c u or talk to u Friday nite and u knew it and blew me off. I¡¯m good with it now. Hope u had fun.¡±

    When she admonished me for ¡°blowing her off¡±, I almost cried through a smile. It¡¯s not that I felt good about how she felt, but it was the first time, in a long time, her love for me shone through. Unlike her husband who she was afraid to nag, she could nag me all she wanted¡ªI wanted to know when I disappointed her so I could make sure it didn¡¯t happen again. This was a moment of growth for our relationship¡ªshe had proven me wrong about her love. I only used gambling so she wouldn¡¯t feel guilty about not being able to see me. I wanted to hug her so tightly and never let her go¡ªtake care of her sweet heart of hers, the last thing I ever wanted to hurt. I had been waiting for a moment like this¡ªa time I could never doubt her love. This was it and it was as unquestionable as it was undeniable. She couldn¡¯t have been more wrong about anything in her life.

    ME: ¡°There is nothing in this world I would rather do than hang with you. Gambling over seeing and talking to you? You¡¯re kidding, right? I thought I had missed my opportunity to see you after you came to the Mandalay Bay. I seriously had no clue you wanted to see me because you went to see a show with Katie. I would never blow you off. I¡¯m crazy, but not that crazy. That was the whole reason for me driving out there, not to gamble.¡±

    ME: ¡°I went to Vegas for just a chance to talk to you. Not a guarantee¡ªjust a chance. The first day I was there I took a taxi to the Paris hotel just to spot a place under the Eiffel Tower so we could talk. I was going to ask you to meet you there but I lost my phone.¡±

    ME: ¡°I thought maybe you were tired¡ªthe first night there you went to bed early and you were with Katie and other people. I didn¡¯t know you wanted to see me on Friday nite. That would¡¯ve made the whole trip worthwhile. If I had known you were there that morning, I would¡¯ve been at the pool area the first thing that morning but I drank too much the night before and had to go get a new phone that morning.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m glad you told me off because I felt your love for me right there. That¡¯s unquestionable. Finally, you get mad at me. I respect your feelings but I did not know. I knew you wanted to see me earlier in the day but thought I missed my chance. I would¡¯ve met you anywhere, anyplace and at any time. You should know me by now. I would¡¯ve even gone to see ¡°Love¡± with you if I had known earlier just to be near you. I only told you I was ¡°gambling¡± so you wouldn¡¯t feel guilty for not being able to see me. I had already made you feel bad enough and I was wrong for doing so.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I asked u what u were doing and where u¡¯d be and u told me u were going to hang out at MB and gamble. U said have fun and we stopped talking.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Next thing I knew u were on ur way to the Luxor. I was bummed cuz I was hoping to see u after the show as I felt it was the last chance.¡±

    Whenever Anya told me ¡°You broke my heart¡±, I always shook my head wondering why couldn¡¯t she see that she was breaking mine? Now, I saw how I broke her heart.

    ME: ¡°You break my heart. I had no idea.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Thinking back I guess it wasn¡¯t the best idea anyway cuz I can¡¯t see u. We¡¯re not together and I pay for it for weeks after I see u cuz it¡¯s too hard on u.¡±

    I guess she couldn¡¯t resist a jab, but I couldn¡¯t blame her for it¡ªI deserved it. She was right, she couldn¡¯t win no matter what she did. She then threw another one at me for good measure.

    ANYA: ¡°Like I said, I¡¯m good with it.¡±

    ME: ¡°Well, I¡¯m not good with it. I wanted to see you. It was the only reason I went there.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Have to go. At the OCPAC w/Katie. Shows about to start.¡±

    She hit with one more zinger before she left¡ªshe was near my apartment.

    ME: ¡°Well just so you know, Silly¡ªthe Luxor is connected to MB so it wasn¡¯t like I was taking a taxi to another casino miles away. I was going to text you about the mall in between Luxor and MB but I didn¡¯t want to bother u at the show.¡±

    ME: ¡°And for the record I didn¡¯t have fun. I would¡¯ve had fun if you were with me¡ªthat¡¯s the truth. You were on my mind the entire time.¡±

    ME: ¡°Ur right about having to pay the price later. I was just hoping to talk but I am in love with you so I guess I would¡¯ve wanted more too. I¡¯m going to the therapist tomorrow. I¡¯m really trying to change, not my feelings for you, but how I feel about me and the way I see things. I need to change and I will. I will make u proud of me again.¡±

    About three hours later, Anya responded.

    ANYA: ¡°Ok. Just leaving show. Good luck tomorrow.¡±

    The entire trip had been a nightmare scenario for me¡ªone meant to bring us closer but only bringing us further apart. I then took a Vicodin and went into an explanation for my behavior, hoping she could understand better why her Landyn broke down yet again.

    ME: ¡°I must tell u I was very surprised you were bummed out when you didn¡¯t see me on Friday nite. I¡¯m still in a state of shock.¡±

    ME: ¡°First off, the trip was a nightmare for me. Started off great and then I hurt you and it all went downhill from there. I lost my phone, lost my a** at the tables but the only thing I felt I really lost was the chance to see you. That alone made it a bad trip.¡±

    ME: ¡°Not withstanding the things I said to u on Thursday, this is a perfect example of my low self esteem hurting you, me and us.¡±

    ME: ¡°I only got upset because I felt you didn¡¯t want to see me at all. I told u how I wished u were here with me and u never responded to that. Not like u had to but I guess I wanted to hear that. Then u told me u were good b/c u were happy to be away from home and I guess I wanted to hear u were happy b/c I was there. Then that started my diatribe on ur love for me and everything else.¡±

    ME: ¡°In regard to the things I said about not telling me about ur mom, Carolyn and other friends of urs being cheated on and staying for the kids when we met, I just wanted u to know I agree with u. It would¡¯ve not stopped me from being w/u but I guess I feel if I knew about those things I would¡¯ve expected u to stay therefore I feel I wouldn¡¯t be upset about it. That¡¯s all. U didn¡¯t tell me b/c u didn¡¯t want to discourage me b/c u do love me. I get it.¡±

    ME: ¡°When u said u were still wary it hurt b/c I could¡¯ve easily gotten a room at the MGM Grand. If I didn¡¯t care I could¡¯ve gone downstairs and talked to u regardless who was around. The fact of the matter is this¡ªI love you. I¡¯m not going to jeopardize your kids finding out about us and hating u for it. I don¡¯t want to give him that power over u. More than anything I want ur trust. I know I made ¡°threats¡± but I just really didn¡¯t understand what was going on. I basically didn¡¯t realize I was still ur hope until u told me on this trip when u thanked me for ¡°ruining¡± ur life. That hit me very hard.¡±

    ME: ¡°In ur defense, I wanted to hide from u the fact that I wanted to see u and that¡¯s why I was there. I didn¡¯t want u to know that so u didn¡¯t feel obligated or bad yet I still ended up making u feel that way¡ªI ended up hurting myself in the end. Again, I wanted to get together with u in person and not over the phone. After all we¡¯ve been through together, I thought it was possible. Not to start another argument but to talk and help ease your mind about things I¡¯ve said. My low self-esteem issues prevented that from happening.¡±

    ME: ¡°I must admit it was nice to hear that u were ¡°bummed¡± u didn¡¯t get to see me and that u were mad that I blew u off. I¡¯ve never sensed any anger or disappointment in u whenever there was a chance to see me in over a year and a half. It was always like ¡°well, if u can¡¯t make it, I¡¯d understand¡±. My low self esteem would tell me ¡°She could care less if she saw u¡±. It was just nice to know that u do care, a lot.¡±

    ME: ¡°That was love to me b/c that was a real emotion I could trust in. I just encourage u to be that way with me¡ªtrue to ur feelings with me. U once told me that he used to flirt with girls in front of u (hard to believe someone could be that arrogant), but you¡¯d never say anything b/c u didn¡¯t want to be a ¡°nagging¡± girlfriend. I¡¯m different¡ªu could never nag me b/c ur the one I want to be with. Nobody else has mattered to me since November 30, 2007. To me, it doesn¡¯t matter if we¡¯re together or not. I just really appreciated that kind of honesty and I would never take it for granted.¡±

    ME: ¡°My low self-esteem babe would¡¯ve never allowed me to see that u wanted to see me on Friday nite. I just thought u wanted to make sure I was alright¡ªmeaning I didn¡¯t do anything stupid. I was absolutely clueless. When you said ¡°later¡±, something seemed off with that goodbye to me but I chalked it up to u still being upset with me about the things I said¡ªnot that you wanted to see me and was disappointed. Now, if I had better self-esteem, then I would¡¯ve asked what u were going to do¡ªwhich I should have in hindsight. I feared hearing ¡°going to bed¡± from u. Since I thought that¡¯s what I would hear I left it alone to avoid being hurt and getting upset again.¡±

    ME: ¡°I have monster self-esteem issues. The fact u came to the Mandalay Bay was shocking to me. I could not believe u did that, let alone told me u wished and hoped u would run into me with ur daughter there too. I thought I would¡¯ve had to go to the MGM Grand to see u. All I did on that trip was gaze at that casino and think to myself ¡°she is in there somewhere. She¡¯s right there.¡± I learned a lot on this trip about u and the way u feel about me, I needed that. I had though u had given up hope and I was wrong.¡±

    ME: ¡°Before u give up on me and us, just let me see if this therapy can work¡ªI believe it can. I believe u think it can too. I think I can build my self-esteem up where the things that hurt us won¡¯t hurt anymore. I just can¡¯t let the things I can¡¯t control bother me. I need to work on me and I really believe u will see a change in me so that ¡°maybe one day¡± will happen for us.¡±

    ME: ¡°There are things I didn¡¯t realize. I didn¡¯t realize u still believed and I¡¯m not asking u to get back together with me¡ªI can¡¯t blame u for not wanting to be with me but I¡¯m begging u not to stop believing in us. You¡¯re my hope too. I don¡¯t want to lose you. That¡¯s why I¡¯m doing this.¡±

    Wrapping this up at two in the morning, with only four hours to go before the workday began, I turned off my phone and hoped for the best.

 CHAPTER 11 ~ TWO LIFETIMES

    ¡°Running in circles, coming up tails

    Heads on a science apart

    Nobody said it was easy

    It¡¯s such a shame for us to part

    Nobody said it was easy

    No one ever said it would be this hard.¡±

    ~ ¡°The Scientist¡± Coldplay

    ANYA: ¡°As u can imagine, I¡¯m swamped with work and emails. I have over 700 emails to go through. I can¡¯t respond to your texts right now.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry, but got on a roll last night. I totally understand. No stress or pressure. Have a good day.¡±

    I felt bad to hit her with so many texts¡ªI just wanted to let her know how I felt and that I knew what I needed to do. I didn¡¯t think I¡¯d hear back from her for a while as I sat in the waiting room of the therapist¡¯s offices for my first meeting. When I finally met her, she introduced herself as Tobey¡ªa curvy blonde with soft light blue eyes, possibly Swedish. I followed her nervously to her office then sat down on a black leather chair. She smiled warmly then asked me what brought me in to see her. From that moment she just listened as I explained my situation to her. Halfway through what seemed like a speech, my phone began to vibrate in my pocket, continuing to do so for about twenty minutes. After Tobey officially diagnosed me as clinically depressed, I returned to my car then began to read her texts to me.

    ANYA: ¡°I told you I don¡¯t mind if you went to LV b/c u were going to go anyway. I told u I couldn¡¯t see u. I need u to own up to why I can¡¯t be with you anymore.¡±

    After I read her first text, I wondered if she had read them¡ªmy whole point for sending them was to own up as to why she couldn¡¯t be with me anymore.

    ANYA: ¡°When you started with your anger outbursts, I told you many times to stop. I¡¯ve never experienced anything like it before. You don¡¯t stop when I ask you to. You just keep jabbing.¡±

    I understood her point, but in all fairness, this wasn¡¯t a normal situation either¡ªone I reasonably expected would change if she fell in love with me. Of course, I wanted to stop when she asked me to, but I couldn¡¯t help pushing for her to prove me wrong about the way I felt, and I only carried on in the hope that she would.

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯ve told you the truth all along and never lied or did anything to lose your trust. I should at least get credit for that.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°You¡¯ve questioned my love over and over and did not listen to me. I told you, you never know about the future and things will happen if meant to be. You agreed.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°You kept giving me pressure for the past 6-7 months and I felt so disappointed and sad you were acting that way. I tried to hang on and give another chance.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Well, I gave it another chance alright. Over and over no matter how much you¡¯d push me away I kept forgiving and kept hanging in.¡±

    Other than claiming to tell me the truth in the beginning, I couldn¡¯t disagree with her. She kept forgiving each and every time and gave me chance after chance to get straightened out. I really tried not to give her any grief, but the loneliness overwhelmed me. To know she had things in the same place she did before she met me, as if I never existed, was hard for me to quietly accept. There was also a great love in my heart for her that was not coming through. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn¡¯t seem to reach her as my pain prevented me from showing the love still there. Anya was a heartbreaker in every sense of the word because her situation never changed¡ªremaining intact regardless of all the love I showed her. I really wanted to see things through her eyes, and that¡¯s what I tried to do even as my eyes welled up.

    ANYA: ¡°It was if you wanted some kind of weird reaction out of me which is not my character. You wanted me to be dramatic-maybe that¡¯s what made you feel good.¡±

    All I wanted was for her love to become a verb and not remain a noun, so I wouldn¡¯t question it. Considering the circumstances, couldn¡¯t our relationship the entire last nineteen months be described as ¡°dramatic¡±? She told me she dreamt of having a child with me. She told me she wanted to wear my ring. She told me she¡¯d rather die than never have me in her life. All I wanted was consistency from her in regards to such dramatic statements.

    ANYA: ¡°When you said you wished I was with you, I didn¡¯t respond because I didn¡¯t want to give you hope. I was there for one reason and you¡¯re right in that I didn¡¯t have to respond.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yes, I still had hope but every day that hope was shriveling away w/the way you would treat me. My only fault was loving you. I got punished for that.¡±

    After I read this text, I realized how far apart Anya and I have become¡ªno longer connected; no longer one. She felt I punished her for just loving me; I felt she punished me for wanting to be with the woman who loved me enough to call me her soulmate and put her ashes out at Abalone Cove¡ªour beach. To deny me hope was a bit cruel, but deserving.

    ANYA: ¡°I kept telling you that you were and are blowing any chance of us in the future, but you didn¡¯t listen. You¡¯ve crushed my heart. ¡°I can¡¯t believe this is my Landyn.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Sorry you lost your ass in LV. I guess that¡¯s always the risk one takes when gambling. I believe you do need to work on your self esteem. You have a lot going for yourself.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I said I was good cuz I was away from home and was with Katie for her competition. You¡¯re so self absorbed that you couldn¡¯t even be happy for me. It was only about you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I told you that I felt secure just by knowing you were there. We¡¯re not together, Landyn. I don¡¯t want to tell you things that makes you over analyze our situation.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°As far as telling you about Mom and Carolyn. I didn¡¯t have to tell you anything. It¡¯s personal and I don¡¯t go around divulging other people¡¯s stories. I trusted you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I said ¡°wary¡± b/c you¡¯ve threatened me over and over and over. You¡¯ve given me plenty of reasons. Do you understand it¡¯s not normal to do that?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s like an abusive person who says he will never hurt you again but keeps doing it over and over. I understand that this was b/c of your low self esteem.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°You say I¡¯ve hurt you but I¡¯ve only hurt you, b/c you form wild conclusions in your head about me. I only tell you the truth but you turn things around in your head.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yes I wanted to see you and yes I was bummed but it was for the better. I wanted to see you to talk to you, not get together.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I hope you continue to get help and feel better. I really do. Like I said before please don¡¯t hate me for loving you. If you want to know the truth, here¡¯s the truth.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I hope I¡¯m wrong but there are many untruthful girls out there. You will not meet another like me who¡¯s been nothing but honest with you from the beginning.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°If nothing else that was one unique gift I gave you but you didn¡¯t want it. You chose to form your own ¡°truth¡±. I know you¡¯re not well ¨C self esteem. Sorry I had to pay.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I know you will be ok. Don¡¯t stop the meetings. As far as us, I don¡¯t know what to say. It¡¯s not normal or natural for me to fight this much.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Time will tell. I¡¯m not giving you false hope. I want you to get better.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Hope your meeting today helped.¡±

    After I left the meeting, I found the session to be a good start, allowing me to get some things off my chest. After I read Anya¡¯s texts, I felt left for dead¡ªnot entitled to feel anything I did. Whenever she told me she was honest from the very beginning, knowing the first night it was my friend who forced her to tell me she was married, that left me unsettled. I hated to throw anything back at her, and mostly this was my fault, but she thought being truthful was being forced to show me her ring? I had to walk away from her, breaking her heart, not because I didn¡¯t have feelings for her but because I did and she was married. The first thing I asked her before considering a relationship the night we reconnected five months later was ¡°what needs to happen for you to leave him?¡± She never told me she was there for the sake of the kids¡ªshe told me she was there because no one was there for her if she were to leave. She then told me in order for her to leave I would need to ¡°sweep¡± her off her feet¡ªshe even admitted I did that. Now, why did she believe I couldn¡¯t question her honesty? How could she consider me abusive when it was her answers that actions and answers that led me here? How could she continue to ignore her own needs after she allowed and encouraged me to be in her life? I think any normal person would question her, but I guess to fight for love, in her world, is what made me abnormal. What made it hard is, yes she made me angry by choosing to let others make the decision for her¡ªI had no idea she put me up against her own kids¡ªthat by wanting her to choose love would also be choosing to hurt her kids. She allowed and encouraged me to love her deeply and then hand cuffed me, not allowing me to love her in return the way she loved me. Either she didn¡¯t want to face what she did or she wanted me to think differently so there was a chance for us¡ªI couldn¡¯t tell. I felt by loving me the way she did, that she had set a trap for me¡ªturning me into the role of homewrecker instead of savior. How could she make the decision to allow and encourage me to love her deeply yet let others make the decision to be with me¡ªwasn¡¯t that truly abusive?

    I felt punished for caring about her, and that was a tough pill for me to swallow and accept, but I had to. I had to work on me, and once I did that, in conjunction with my promotion to partner, I believed we could build something more beautiful than ever. Although I didn¡¯t care for the arguments too, the communication was healthy for the relationship. It showed we both cared about each other to be open and honest with the way we felt so we could progress and grow together. I know it affected her more than it affected me because she was in the company of her kids and because of that it was impossible for her to see it that way. I agreed with her¡ªthe arguments had to end and that was my goal in seeking therapy.

    Unfortunately for my heart, a fear I made known to her in the beginning that she pretty much blew off, all the marriage provided to her kids made our love irrational. I was up against a woman who was conditioned to believe her marriage was normal because the marriages around her mirrored hers. They were the same mirrors found in funhouses though¡ªnormal marriages did not carry a history of infidelities throughout it. I felt for Anya to never recognize how the ¡°situation¡± affected our relationship, and how her marriage presented a platform for her to lie, made her union with Jackson dishonest in its very nature. Yet, I was an enemy each time I called it out for what it truly was¡ªa plant that polluted the environment around it. If our relationship was a normal one, with no situation in its way and I acted the way I did, I could understand Anya¡¯s anger with me better. For her to completely ignore the barriers I faced and went through just for a chance to be with her, made me feel more worthless than ever before. Since she lived without it for the last ten years, love was non-existent on her priority list. She could just go back to the life she knew¡ªan unchanged entity. Love meant less to a married person than it did to someone who always wanted to be married but never made it. Marriages like Anya¡¯s jaded people enough to think love was unrealistic anyway. She could say my love changed her and made her a believer, but in the end, she¡¯d settle back into her marriage without a second thought¡ªshe was always just fine without love while I would suffer until the day I died. Anya expected our love to end, while I believed it had an infinite quality and that¡¯s why she was just fine with it coming to an end. Nothing lasts forever, especially being in love¡ªI felt betrayed that she seemed to always believe that after leading me to believe we were soulmates.

    That evening when I got home, I couldn¡¯t get my mind off the coldness behind some of her words, and although I appreciated her candidness, I felt the need to defend myself. At about midnight, when I knew her phone was off and she was asleep, I sent her my response to them.

    ME: ¡°The meeting went well today. I was officially diagnosed as ¡°clinically depressed¡±. They prescribed and put me on a drug called Zoloft. She said it will take 2 weeks to kick in. I¡¯m looking forward to seeing how it will work.¡±

    ME: ¡°In response to our texts, I can tell you¡¯re upset because we¡¯re not together. I am too. I feel I am ¡°owning¡± up to it by seeking help to improve myself.¡±

    ME: ¡°As far as being ¡°self absorbed¡±, I feel asking for an hour of your time doesn¡¯t really qualify as being self absorbed. There are times I¡¯ve been selfish but I¡¯ve been anything but in our relationship. I¡¯ve always had to meet your time constraints and have given you complete control. I feel I¡¯ve been anything but selfish in a lot of ways.¡±

    ME: ¡°It¡¯s crazy that we both feel we are being punished by each other. You feel you were punished for loving me and I feel I was punished for wanting a promise from u to feel secure.¡±

    ME: ¡°I didn¡¯t care about losing money in LV. I go expecting to lose and only bring what I can afford to lose. I just usually do better.¡±

    ME: ¡°It doesn¡¯t matter if we¡¯re together or not b/c the feelings are still there. Why deny them?¡±

    ME: ¡°I know there are no other girls like you. Why do you think I hurt so bad? If I didn¡¯t think you were the greatest the why would I even care this much? If we were just going to talk what could be the harm in that?¡±

    ME: ¡°I didn¡¯t want it? What did you need from me, babe? What did you need that you could honestly say I wasn¡¯t or wouldn¡¯t be willing to give to you?¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m going to get better. It¡¯s not normal for me to argue this much either. This is a first for me too. I would only want you to hope only if I could treat you better and not argue at all anymore. If I didn¡¯t think that could happen, I wouldn¡¯t have sent you all these texts last night and tonight.¡±

    ME: ¡°I know how you feel about me. You wouldn¡¯t have been disappointed or upset with me if you didn¡¯t truly love me. Just wanted you to know you were wrong. I really wanted to see you on Friday night. I would love to see you anytime and I know you know that.¡±

    ME: ¡°The therapist asked me what I expected from you. I told her I expected that if she encouraged and allowed me to fall deeply in love with her that she would be with me and not see the harm to anyone in that. I just didn¡¯t feel it was unreasonable to expect that in light of the facts of her marriage and how I¡¯m in her life.¡±

    ME: ¡°I will always be your Landyn. I¡¯m just really sad. I don¡¯t hate you. I miss you. I miss us. It just hurts a lot.¡±

    ME: ¡°I guess you¡¯re going to tell me I needed you to stop pressuring me. My response to that is what would you do for me so that I would not feel the need to pressure you?¡±

    After I fired off this final text to her, I went to bed, but I couldn¡¯t help but wake up and re read them in fear how she would interpret them as I sounded fairly harsh in some of them. So, I sent her two more texts in the hope she didn¡¯t get too upset with me about what I felt.

    ME: ¡°I haven¡¯t been able to sleep b/c I¡¯m worried you¡¯ll be upset with some of these texts. Not what I wanted. It was not my intention.¡±

    ME: ¡°I didn¡¯t realize how hurt you are that we¡¯re not together anymore. How much you blame me for that. Even though you were upset with me, you still wanted to see and talk to me even after all I¡¯ve put you through. I don¡¯t care if you just wanted to talk to me. That¡¯s love.¡±

    As I woke up that morning, I hoped I hadn¡¯t sent anything that would upset her, but just before I went to lunch, I had my answer.

    ANYA: ¡°I can¡¯t even respond to you. I tried all morning and I would just delete them. Bottom line it seems that you don¡¯t see things my way and I don¡¯t see things your way. Maybe you think I¡¯m not listening cuz I feel the same way about you and we are getting nowhere.¡±

    ME: ¡°I want to see things your way.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I can¡¯t seem to get over how you treated me in the last 6-7 months. I know your natural reaction will be ¡°I can¡¯t get over how you treated me, Anya¡±. That¡¯s your motto. When I tell you something, you throw it right back like a child instead of listening.¡±

    ME: ¡°I know you¡¯re listening otherwise you wouldn¡¯t respond at all. I don¡¯t want to argue with you. We are both right and wrong in some ways. It doesn¡¯t matter. You telling me that make me want to change my behavior. I know I can. I appreciate your honesty.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m glad they put you on meds. I hope it helps. I think we should wait until you feel better to talk cuz we¡¯re not getting anywhere like this.¡±

    When I read ¡°I¡¯m glad they put u on meds¡±, I laughed loudly¡ªI would¡¯ve felt the same way if I were her. It broke my heart each time I gave her grief regardless how justified I felt¡ªI really just wanted to let it go, but the pain gushed out of me like a geyser. I was glad they put me on meds too. My meds and partner promotion would rekindle our connection.

    ME: ¡°I just wanted you to know that I¡¯m owning up to things. I¡¯m not going to argue anymore. I know how you feel about me. I found out in LV. I felt your pain. I got upset for nothing.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ok.¡±

    ME: ¡°I agree with you. I don¡¯t think we¡¯ll get anywhere unless I¡¯m medicated. Just kidding about having to be medicated but at least feeling a little better about who I am. Anyway, that¡¯s how I¡¯m feelings. 2<sup>nd</sup> day of meds. We¡¯ll see how it goes.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I understand. Just remember I love you and I never meant any harm. I know you didn¡¯t either. We¡¯re good people, u know that. Take care of yourself. I¡¯ll be here.¡±

    ME: ¡°Thanks, babe. Take care of yourself too. Love you.¡±

    I just wanted to try and find peace with Anya, and to give the Zoloft a chance to work. I had to understand Anya was just as upset with me because we weren¡¯t together anymore as I was with her¡ªshe didn¡¯t want this as much as I didn¡¯t want it. I had to believe Zoloft was the miracle we needed to keep our love alive. Regardless of her inconsistencies and admissions when we first met, we came too far together to be considered anything less than my hope, wish and dream. I wanted her to have all she wished, hoped and dreamt for too, and I loved her way too much to not see this as my responsibility to man up, and be the person she needed me to be, whether or not I disagreed with her on some things. I had to create a better environment for her¡ªnot one leading to further hostilities and misunderstandings.

    Later that evening, Anya texted me to give me some trivia regarding my drug of choice.

    ANYA: ¡°Btw Carolyn¡¯s dad was one of the scientists involved in developing Zoloft. Just fyi.¡±

    ME: ¡°That¡¯s good to know if my tongue starts to turn blue or if one of my testicles shrink! JK!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Haha! It¡¯s going to make you numb and not care.¡±

    ME: ¡°Really? I can¡¯t wait!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Really? I understand.¡±

    Anya seemed to misinterpret what I meant about being numb and not caring.

    ME: ¡°Not about how I feel about you¡ªjust how I feel about the situation so I don¡¯t say anything stupid, babe. I don¡¯t like drama and I don¡¯t like to argue¡ªit¡¯s not me either. I still want to talk to you every day. I just don¡¯t want to talk about anything that hurts us.¡±

    When Anya didn¡¯t respond to my text. I sent her one more for good measure, so she knew I meant what I said.

    ME: ¡°The only altered state that could make me numb to how I feel about you is death.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Don¡¯t say that. When do you see your therapist again?¡±

    ME: ¡°In another 2 weeks.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Why not sooner?¡±

    ME: ¡°I don¡¯t know. I didn¡¯t ask. I¡¯m think I may be able to see her next week.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I think that¡¯s a good idea.¡±

    Here I feared Anya took something I said the wrong way, and it only led her to worry about me. Crazy thing was, I felt pretty good¡ªit seemed the Zoloft was already working. Or, maybe I was happy we had a better day together. The next morning, Anya sent me a very sweet text.

    ANYA: ¡°Day 3. Hope you¡¯re well.¡±

    I appreciated her tracking of my treatment as her words gave me hope I could turn this ship back around in the right direction¡ªespecially with my promotion now only two weeks away.

    ME: ¡°Thanks babe. I start taking full tabs tomorrow, but I already feel more focused at work.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Oh ok. That¡¯s good, right?¡±

    ME: ¡°It¡¯s a godsend. How r u?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m ok. Just worried about you.¡±

    ME: ¡°No need to worry babe. I feel ok. It¡¯s working.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°It doesn¡¯t make you feel drowsy at all?¡±

    ME: ¡°Not that I¡¯ve noticed but maybe when I start taking full tablets? I probably wouldn¡¯t have taken anything if I didn¡¯t have a mental job. I told the therapist it¡¯s like a construction worker having to work with 2 broken arms¡ªmy mind is broke. It¡¯s not just us, even though it¡¯s the main reason I chose to go to see a therapist, but also dealing with my mom¡¯s illness and an issue I¡¯ve ignored in the past because of my pride.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°What¡¯s the issue you¡¯ve ignored?¡±

    ME: ¡°Self esteem.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°What do you think made you have such a self esteem issue? I didn¡¯t know for a long time.¡±

    ME: ¡°I don¡¯t want to go there, if you don¡¯t mind.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°You don¡¯t have to explain. It¡¯s ok. Just feel better babe.¡±

    When Anya handed the keys to her decision to stay or leave to her children, my self-esteem took a huge hit¡ªshe¡¯d rather stay with a man who emotionally abused her than be with a man who truly loved her. When we first met, she made me feel like my self esteem issues were in the past, but she changed. When I started to realize she judged me for not being able to provide her kids with the things her marriage provided them with¡ªit brought my low sense of self-worth back to life. Her excuse to stay, unknown to me in the beginning was the real reason she was still there, was just another in a long line of excuses from women in my past. Considering the fact she chose to live with another man than be with me, the self-esteem she had given me then died. If I answered her question, it would only set us further back¡ªI needed to get to my promotion first before I imploded again.

    That evening I decided to visit my parent¡¯s house, but when I entered my mother¡¯s room, my dad was in there with her.

    ¡°What¡¯s going on in here?¡± I asked.

    ¡°Hey.¡± My father said to me.

    ¡°Hi Honey!¡± My mother straightened her posture while she sat on her bed. ¡°Your father is putting up some crown molding.¡±The narrative has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.

    ¡°How about giving me a hand here, Land?¡± my father asked.

    ¡°Please Landy, I¡¯m tired. Your father is driving me nuts.¡±

    ¡°Would you stop it?¡± requested my father, wiping a bead of sweat off his forehead. ¡°Land, how about a hand over here?¡±

    I then held up one end of the crown molding slab so he could attach it, and then another. I then felt my phone vibrate and when my dad needed a breather, I grabbed my phone.

    ANYA: ¡°What r u up to?¡±

    ME: ¡°Putting up some crown molding in my mom¡¯s room. What r u up to?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Putting up crown molding? Handy guy you are!¡±

    ME: ¡°My dad is the handy man here, but I I¡¯ve learned a few things from him.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Very cool! I¡¯m doing the usual! Carry on!¡±

    An hour later, after all five were properly aligned and attached, my father looked at me.

    ¡°Thanks, son.¡± he said. ¡°Now I got to run to the park to put up a volleyball net.¡±

    ¡°Thanks, Landy.¡± My mother chimed.

    ¡°Of course,¡± I said. ¡°Glad I could be here to prevent you from strangling Dad.¡±

    ¡°Your father sometimes.¡± she said. ¡°He doesn¡¯t listen.¡±

    ¡°Huh?¡± my dad replied, turning to us while he admired his work.

    ¡°See what I mean?¡± she said to me.

    ¡°Gotta go.¡± he said as he kissed my mother on her bare head. ¡°Thanks again, Land.¡±

    ¡°Sure, Dad.¡± I said as he exited the room.

    After the back door slammed, I brought my attention to my mother¡¯s orange pill bottle that was in plain view.

    ¡°Do you mind?¡± I asked, grabbing the bottle.

    ¡°Is that what you came here for?¡±

    ¡°No¡ªbut since I¡¯m here, I should stock up.¡±

    ¡°Just a few.¡± she barked. ¡°Is your back hurtin¡¯ you that much?¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s always hurting me.¡± I lied.

    ¡°It didn¡¯t look like you were in any pain just a minute ago?¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s mostly in the morning¡ªwhen I get out of bed.¡±

    ¡°You should put ice on it instead. Have you tried?¡±

    ¡°I can¡¯t sit still for ten minutes, Mom. I need to be moving.¡± I said, popping one of the pills in my mouth. ¡°How are you?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m ok.¡± She moaned. ¡°I run out of breath more often, but my mouth feels better.¡±

    ¡°Why you havin¡¯ trouble breathing?¡±

    ¡°The doctor told me I¡¯ve lost a quarter of my lung capacity.¡±

    ¡°Because of the chemo?¡±

    ¡°Because of the cancer.¡± She replied with a hint of sarcasm.

    ¡°I see.¡±

    ¡°How¡¯s Anya?¡± She asked, a smile forming on her face.

    ¡°She¡¯s doin¡¯ ok.¡±

    ¡°Just ok? Why?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯ve been giving her a lot of grief lately.¡±

    ¡°Grief? Why?¡± she inquired in a heightened tone.

    ¡°I¡¯m not happy she¡¯s still there."

    ¡°You need to stop Landyn¡­¡±

    ¡°I know.¡± I cut her off.

    ¡°Stop acting like every other man out there.¡± she continued then finished her statement.

    ¡°I¡¯m trying.¡± I agreed. ¡°I expected her to leave her marriage by now, and I¡¯m struggling with that.¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s not easy for her.¡±

    ¡°I know.¡± I agreed again.

    ¡°But if she loves you¡ªshe should be with you.¡±

    ¡°But just like you said¡ªit¡¯s not that easy.¡± I countered.

    ¡°If she loves you¡­why not?¡±

    ¡°No offense, but she doesn¡¯t live your kind of lifestyle, Mom.¡± I retorted, with annoyance. ¡°and neither does her children.¡±

    ¡°My kind of life?¡±

    ¡°Yes. There are things that hold her down.¡±

    ¡°Like what?¡±

    ¡°For instance, her husband is not just her spouse, but her employer.¡± I started. ¡°They run a company that employs people. If Anya wer to just leave, people could lose their jobs.¡±

    ¡°Oh?¡±

    ¡°She also does volunteer work for many organizations. If she were to leave it could hurt her reputation and image¡ªshe¡¯d lose seventy five percent of her friends.¡± I continued. ¡°It¡¯s also looked upon as an act of nobility in their neighborhood to stay for the kids. She also has to contend with her ¡°marry well to be well¡± Korean culture. It¡¯s not easy for her to leave.¡±

    ¡°Then if she had no intentions of leaving because of these roadblocks then why did she bring you into her life?¡± She asked, her eyes wildly looking into mine.

    ¡°Well, that¡¯s why I¡¯ve struggled, and believe me, she knows all about it.¡± I confessed. ¡°I decided to see a therapist about it and they prescribed me Zoloft.¡±

    ¡°Are you takin¡¯ it now?¡±

    ¡°I am, but not because of Anya¡ªI¡¯m tryin¡¯ to correct my issues with low self esteem.¡± I said. ¡°I need to fix that part of myself.¡±

    ¡°If it helps you be the man, she needs you to be, then I think it¡¯s worth it.¡± She supported. ¡°Zoloft has helped me in the past¡ªwhen I got depressed because of my cancer.¡±

    ¡°You told me it worked for you¡ªthat¡¯s why I asked the doctor to prescribe it to me.¡±

    ¡°It should help.¡± she said. ¡°It really helped me."

    ¡°I don¡¯t want you to think Anya is to blame.¡± I told her. ¡°My low self-esteem has hurt her and this is on me. I¡¯ve been punishing her for things she¡¯s not responsible for.¡±

    ¡°I know, Honey.¡± she acknowledged, scratching her head. ¡°I think it¡¯s good what you¡¯re doing¡ªI know she¡¯s not to blame. Everything happens for a reason.¡±

    I left the house with ten Vicodin pills in my pocket, enough to get me through any rough patches mentally¡ªand if I experienced any back pain.

    That evening when I got home, I decided to elaborate on Anya¡¯s question to me earlier about why I went to see a therapist in another series of texts.

    ME: ¡°My self esteem issues originated with my Dad. I doubt you remember this convo but during our day at Abalone Cove, I told you I felt the reason my Dad got married was because my mom was pregnant with me. I always felt he treated me differently because of it.¡±

    ME: ¡°My Dad¡¯s side of the family are historically stubborn old county Italians. My Dad¡¯s mom never talked to my Dad again after he married my mother because she didn¡¯t want him to marry her. I¡¯m not implying my father didn¡¯t love my mother, I¡¯m just saying he seemed to take it out on me. I just never felt much love from him. I even highly doubt we¡¯d be talking today if I hadn¡¯t become a CPA, but now I¡¯m ¡°acceptable¡± to him. We have a good relationship now, but he really laid down the foundation for my issues, I feel.¡±

    ME: ¡°My past experiences with 2 women in particular, that I¡¯ve also told you about, has added to my issues with low self esteem. They left me to feel even more so that no one was ever proud to be with me, let alone ever truly loved me. It¡¯s one thing to have someone you care about meet someone else and beg for you back, but it¡¯s entirely different to have someone you care about meet someone else and never want to hear from you again, especially after you shared what you were led to believe, was special to them.

    ME: ¡°I¡¯ve never met anyone who reinforced that I was anything special so I never dared to allow myself to feel like I ever was.¡±

    ME: ¡°The reason you never felt my self esteem issue is because you¡¯ve never made me feel that I wasn¡¯t special. I used to tell you all the time ¡°you know how to love me¡±. I¡¯ve never felt truly loved by someone until I met you.¡±

    ME: ¡°Just the way you¡¯ve loved me. The look in your eyes. The softness in your voice. How you gave me all of you. It was undeniable whenever we were together.¡±

    ME: ¡°My low self esteem just never crept in when we were together because of the way you chose to love me so fearlessly. Even your physical touch. You really loved me. I just always felt great about who I was whenever I was with you.¡±

    ME: ¡°The problem was this though; my feelings naturally grew and you started to become less available. My self esteem started to fall gradually and the things that didn¡¯t affect me started to. Things just became more pronounced and I then started to question things.¡±

    ME: ¡°It was just nice to feel good about myself for once in my life¡ªthat someone accepted me for who I am. I¡¯m just trying to figure out if the good feelings were real or if they were just a product of the situation. Idk.¡±

    ME: ¡°I used to tell you that you mean everything to me. That you validated me. You really did. Since I don¡¯t have you anymore, I have to learn how to validate myself through myself. If that makes sense.¡±

    ME: ¡°Hope that answers your question.¡±

    The next morning, Anya wasted no time at all to respond.

    ANYA: ¡°I remember the conversation at Abalone Cove. I¡¯m glad you have a good relationship now. Can¡¯t hold grudges when you¡¯re trying to move forward.¡±

    Her last statement about not holding grudges when you¡¯re trying to move forward scared me. If her statement pertained to us, I found it a sweet thing to say, but did this apply to her relationship with Jackson? Sadly, I couldn¡¯t tell the difference and was afraid to ask.

    ANYA: ¡°I loved you the only way I knew how. It was natural. I became less available and you became more insecure. As you grew more insecure, I grew more wary.¡±

    Anya claimed to me that she hated ¡°drama¡± and it wasn¡¯t her character, but wouldn¡¯t this create the very thing she hated¡ªjust like Debbie had done to her about not being there for her during the BU? When Anya broke up with Lance, Debbie was there for her¡ªthe night I met her at Sonoma¡¯s. Did she expect Debbie to do the same¡ªget her out of the house and head to Sonoma¡¯s? I couldn¡¯t blame her for becoming less available to me¡ªI had ¡°threatened¡± to tell her husband, but in the same breath, she had to understand how I grew insecure. It was the first time I saw the parallel between the way she treated Debbie and how she treated me.

    ANYA: ¡°You were so out of character that it scared me b/c I felt like I didn¡¯t really know you. I don¡¯t want to keep blaming you but I wanted you to know why I pulled away.¡±

    When she told me that it felt like ¡°I didn¡¯t really know you¡±, it really set me aback even on Zoloft¡ªso much for numbness. How could she not see that I could feel the same way? She never told me she was there for the sake of the kids until after I fell in love with her yet I didn¡¯t make myself unavailable to her. Even with all the inconsistencies¡ªI never once thought that I didn¡¯t really know her¡ªespecially considering we¡¯ve shared so much. Could she not see how I could feel betrayed at all? Did she really believe she told me the truth without omitting very important things before she allowed and encouraged me to fall in love with her? Her lack of compassion didn¡¯t seem like the Anya I knew at all, disconnecting us even more.

    ANYA: ¡°It happened over a long period but it was progressive. I felt like staying with you I was only causing you pain and grief and I needed to let us go.¡±

    I didn¡¯t blame her at all for needing to do that for herself. There were times I was out of line and I didn¡¯t stop when she asked me to, and kept jabbing. In her defense, she could only have taken so much, and again, my low self-esteem contributed to this result¡ªone I tried to desperately fix. I felt I had the power within to make this right again for both of us.

    ANYA: ¡°You may not agree but those were my feelings and real to me.¡±

    Her responses to my texts overall were fair¡ªshe just stated how she felt like all the times I ever did. I guess I hoped, like I always did, she¡¯d text me something hopeful¡ªlike she used to. Send me a text telling me she came to the realization she loved me too much to live a lie and stay with her true abuser. It scared me that she was unable to see how she broke my heart and that I broke my own heart¡ªit troubled me deeply. I know she believed she loved me, and I felt it and believed she did too, but in a different form than she led me to believe. Her love turned from not being able to live without me to I don¡¯t really know you because you called me out on some of my shit. Was I crazy to feel a little used and manipulated? Ok, she couldn¡¯t help it but it was both very loving and very hurtful¡ªbecause it seemed she never had real intentions of leaving¡ªonly threatening to gain the upper hand in her marriage after years of abuse. I was on her side the entire way¡ªI just couldn¡¯t believe she¡¯d ever lead me to question if her love was true. I guess from her side of things, she felt the same way about my love for her. I just never dreamed our love would exist in her heart because it was a secret but because she needed it enough to leave an abusive marriage. If she could see only the things the marriage provided her kids, then I had the right to know that in the beginning.

    As my negative feelings continued to build, I fought them back from making an appearance on her phone. If that¡¯s the way she felt then I had to respect that. She texted me these things before and then accused me of ruining her hope and her life. Although they unnerved me, I had to focus on the bigger picture. I needed to feel better and once this therapy worked, I could then try again and see if I could get this right for both of us. If I was serious about making adjustments in my life to accommodate her happiness, I had to heap the blame for her feelings upon myself.

    When my workday was done and I was back at my apartment, Anya sent me a text.

    ANYA: ¡°Day 4. Do you feel any different?¡±

    ME: ¡°Maybe it¡¯s just me being positive but I do feel better.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I would love nothing more than to see and talk to you. It¡¯s not that I don¡¯t want to, I just don¡¯t think that you¡¯d be ok with it afterwards.¡±

    I didn¡¯t know how to respond to her text, but before I sent my response, she sent me a revelation.

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m going to San Francisco next Friday for the half marathon on Sunday. I¡¯m not ready for the race. I will definitely walk half of this race for it will be hilly.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m would just be going to see and talk to you, and not get together. Why would that upset me afterwards? It was the intimacy we shared that hurt me.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Because of history. Never mind. How different?¡±

    ME: ¡°Would you be okay? I feel different enough to see and talk to you and being ok afterwards.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯ll be more ok than you.¡±

    ME: ¡°Can I see and talk to you tomorrow?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I think too soon but I appreciate you asking. Thank you for that. I have a long run in the morning ¨C in training and taking Katie shopping for 3 week camp.¡±

    ME: ¡°Okey doke.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Okey doke!¡±

    Her exclamation point at the end seemed to suggest she was shocked I didn¡¯t question her love, instead responding with an ¡°okey doke¡±.

    ME: ¡°How has the training been coming along for the SF half? Have you had a hard time training because of what¡¯s going on between us?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Maybe. All the girls are slower.

    ME: ¡°Why are they all slower?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°They are all depressed too! JK!¡±

    I guess we were all in the same boat¡ªthe Titanic. The next morning after I took my Zoloft pill, Anya stayed consistent and sent me a text.

    ANYA: ¡°Day 5. I¡¯m proud of you for asking me to see you today and ¡°taking¡± the chance. Hope you¡¯re well.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m trying! Hope you¡¯re well too.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°What do you feel?¡±

    ME: ¡°A little numb. Kind of carefree.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°In a good way?¡±

    ME: ¡°I think so. Maybe it¡¯s because you¡¯re texting me¡ªthat lifted my spirits.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m glad you feel good! Just brought tears to my eyes.¡±

    At first, I thought after reading her text, if I¡¯m to blame, why did she feel bad? Then I realized she wanted me to feel good so she could feel good enough to see me. Or maybe she blamed me because it was hard for her to accept responsibility for the way she left me to feel? I wouldn¡¯t want to place that burden on her although I felt that way¡ªI was to blame too. Little did I know the true reason why she wanted me to feel ¡°good¡±. She then sent another text my way.

    ANYA: ¡°So do you feel numb about our situation?¡±

    ME: ¡°I don¡¯t know how I could feel completely numb to it. I feel I¡¯m less analytical about it and have made a conscious choice to try and focus on your point of view. I think I¡¯m more open to listening now.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Wow! I like that¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m more focused on me and what I¡¯m doing here rather than what you¡¯re doing over there.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Good babe¡±

    ME: ¡°I think I¡¯m experiencing a side effect down there though.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Down there?¡±

    ME: ¡°I think it makes me more aroused and gives me harder erections.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Wow¡±

    ME: ¡°If I have a side effect of an erection longer than 4 hours I need to see a doctor. Please don¡¯t let this get back to Carolyn¡¯s dad!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Haha! Ok!¡±

    I don¡¯t know why I shared that with her, but the idea of walking through my office with a pitched tent horrified me¡ªI needed to let someone know it wasn¡¯t due to a dirty mind.

    The next day, a Saturday, I didn¡¯t hear from Anya at all. I didn¡¯t know if it was intended to be a test from her, to see how I would react to her silence, but I could¡¯ve easily assumed it was. Regardless, it seemed her silence bothered me less now that I was on Zoloft, but I think a lot of factors played in to me handling Anya¡¯s silence better. In just twelve days, I would be officially promoted to my position as partner, and being able to share that news with her should give us a completely renewed hope. I truly believed, if she loved me, the news would at the very least secure a promise from her¡ªtelling me where she really stood on us. I also believed the therapy and Zoloft had already helped me¡ªmy mind was no longer at her home, but on my home. I also felt much more focused at work again. Even in her anger with me, I truly believed she still held out hope after all we went through. She loved me enough to know why my frustration was there and didn¡¯t punish me for my reaction to some things. Therapy and my promotion were the two things to bring her heart and mind home. If I broke down again, I¡¯d lose her for good. I just had to get there with heaven so close for us both.

    When the Sunday star rose, Anya sent me a text.

    ANYA: ¡°Hope you¡¯re doing well.¡±

    ME: ¡°Hi Sweetheart! I¡¯m ok. I hope you¡¯re doing well too.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m ok too. Feeling good?¡±

    ME: ¡°I feel subdued¡ªit¡¯s hard to explain. I feel like something is blocking my usual thoughts.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Blocking your thoughts? Is that good? Do you feel you¡¯re still you or do you feel like you¡¯re someone else?¡±

    ME: ¡°It seems like the things that bothered me about our situation before are not affecting me as much¡ªI¡¯m sorry I hadn¡¯t gotten on this sooner. Of course, I still feel sad but I don¡¯t feel upset about anything. Then again, I¡¯m really making an effort to focus on what I¡¯m doing here and not what¡¯s going on over there. I think the drug helps aid that focus. I don¡¯t feel like anyone else¡ªI just feel more like my old self.¡±

    ME: ¡°And when I say I¡¯m more focused on me, I don¡¯t mean I don¡¯t care about how you¡¯re doing. You¡¯re still on my mind every second. I¡¯m just not concentrating on things that allow me to ¡°make my own conclusions¡± and that ¡°create my own truth¡±.¡±

    ME: ¡°I feel less distracted and am able to focus more. I feel relaxed too. That can¡¯t be a bad thing.¡±

    This was no exaggeration at all. I didn¡¯t know how the drug worked but I genuinely felt this way about things. Maybe Zoloft aided and worked well for those on it with positive thoughts? One thing was certain though¡ªI never felt this way before I took it.

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m sooo glad to hear that! I¡¯m happy that you¡¯re more relaxed! You don¡¯t think it¡¯s affecting your work, do you?¡±

    ME: ¡°That¡¯s a good question. I think it has helped my focus but I¡¯m afraid it might make me forget things. That¡¯s my only concern.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Uh oh¡±

    ME: ¡°We¡¯ll see though. I haven¡¯t been forgetting anything so far.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°You have a great mind.¡±

    ME: After all you¡¯ve been through with me? You¡¯re too funny! You really think so?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I do. It can also get you in trouble!¡±

    ME: ¡°Haha! Coming from you, that¡¯s a huge compliment. Thank you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ha! Which one? Great mind or great mind that gets you in trouble?¡±

    ME: ¡°I concentrated on your ¡°great mind¡± stand alone compliment. See, a week ago I would have concentrated on the get me in trouble part and I would¡¯ve started acting like a ¡°child¡± again! Ha!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°That¡¯s true! I¡¯m glad you can laugh about that!!! Well maybe not laugh but find some humor.¡±

    I¡¯ve always been the type of person who could always make light of serious topics¡ªto avoid the emotions involved with them but they overwhelmed me over the last year. Being far more diplomatic than confrontational, the emotions I felt for Anya put me in a blender set on the highest speed. Now, I felt my negative thoughts weren¡¯t getting through the gate in my mind to bring out my emotions. If I could get back to being the man Anya met and fell in love with, there was no doubt in my mind everything would work out. If she truly still hoped we could find a way to be together, she deserved nothing less than the Landyn she met. While I contemplated these range of feelings, her heart posed a question to me that caught me completely off guard.

    ANYA: ¡°How do you think you¡¯ll feel if you saw me again?¡±

    Upon reading her text, I drew a blank¡ªwas I truly ready to see her yet or was it too soon? My heart wanted to but my mind couldn¡¯t afford a setback of any kind¡ªat least until I passed the non-disclosure agreement period in regards to my promotion.

    ME: ¡°I think it¡¯s too soon still. I¡¯d just like to hold off until I¡¯m a little further into it. I¡¯d love to see you, you know that.¡±

    ANYA: I know. I just want you to feel better.¡±

    ME: ¡°Thank you. I¡¯m listening to you and I see what you were trying to tell me now. This is the real me. I¡¯ve never been one to take myself too seriously. I¡¯m glad you can laugh and find some humor in it too.¡±

    I left out textversation feeling more in control than I had in a long time. The last thing I ever wanted to do, or feel the need, to ¡°threaten¡± to talk to Jackson. When I hit her with that, I was seriously at the end of my rope. All I could picture was a possible betrayal, like she pulled the wool over my eyes for two years, and I was desperate for answers. Notwithstanding I despised the man as her husband a ton because of all she told me about him¡ªI never would¡¯ve given her a chance without telling me all she did. What she told me about him had to not only be true, but also enough to make her to never consider saving her marriage, otherwise she allowed me into a situation that could only harm me. If she betrayed me, and planned to ever conspire against me, then the truth was all I had to protect me. It broke my heart to even tell her this was how I felt¡ªI also didn¡¯t think I had to. I just hoped she knew that if I truly wanted to confront him or had any intentions to, I¡¯d simply just do it without letting her know about it. I told her about the ¡°threat¡± because I wanted to be truthful about how I felt but mostly wanted her to talk me out of it. Thankfully, she did.

    Later that afternoon, she texted me again.

    ANYA: ¡°Have you ever been to SF?¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯ve been to SF a few times. I¡¯ve seen the hills!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Oh no. Bad?¡±

    ME: ¡°Idk, babe. I don¡¯t think there are many places here where you can train for that kind of race.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I don¡¯t think so either.¡±

    ME: ¡°Have you been to SF before?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I have many times. Mostly stayed in the square. I really should look up the course and find out the elevations. Not that it would help me at this point.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m sure you¡¯ll do fine, babe. SF is known for its hills and I imagine they¡¯ll probably integrate that into the course in some way. Do whatever makes you feel better about it though. I think you¡¯ll be ok.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I know they will for sure cuz it¡¯s advertised. They have two waves and we picked the hilly race. Isn¡¯t that nice and special?¡±

    ME: ¡°Haha! Nice! I¡¯m just worried about your ankle, babe. I¡¯d hate to see you hurt yourself, but you¡¯re a tough cookie.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I just want to tell you that I am very proud of you for taking the steps to seek help and going on meds. I care very much.¡±

    ME: ¡°Thank you. That means a lot to me. I know you do.¡±

    I did it because I loved her more than life itself and I feared losing her. She mattered more to me than anything¡ªI wanted to make her as happy as she made me. I didn¡¯t want to ever see her struggle in front of her kids because I broke down on her emotionally¡ªI wanted to show her I could ¡°own up¡± to things. That I could take a hard look at myself, diagnose a problem and then take steps to fix it. She deserved nothing but the best version of Landyn I could give her. Even though I did this for myself as well, her love motivated me to do so. I wanted to see a smile on her face forever, and I cared about her more than I cared about myself.

    The next morning, at fifty-two minutes past five to be exact, Anya texted me, providing me with something to read when I got out of bed.

    ANYA: ¡°Good morning to u!¡±

    After I responded in kind, she then disappeared for the remainder of the day. When I got back home from work, I texted her.

    ME: ¡°Just wanted you to know my day went well. I hope you had a good day. Thank you for your very sweet text this morning. It was nice to wake up to.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m so glad to hear that! Thank you for letting me know! My day was fine too thx. We¡¯re you able to concentrate ok at work?¡±

    ME: ¡°Yes. My thoughts always stray at work though--it¡¯s accounting and staring at the wall can be more entertaining! I¡¯m kidding. Working on Zoloft is a little different¡ªI tried not to push myself too much. Just wanted to ease back in. Did you look up the course for elevations at all?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Different but were you able to focus? No, I haven¡¯t had the chance yet.¡±

    ME: ¡°It was different in a good way. I was able to concentrate much better.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m glad sweetie!¡±

    ME: ¡°Thank you! Me too and it¡¯s only day 8!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Amazing!¡±

    ME: ¡°You have to work at it though, the drug just really helps. It really is amazing.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°What do you mean you have to work at it?¡±

    ME: ¡°You need to have a positive approach to the process and a better outlook. The drug helps enhance those positive moods. Keeps you focused and lock in on things that would only enhance the mood.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Oh I see.¡±

    ME: ¡°I made a conscious decision to focus on what upset you and not what upset me. I focused on my faults.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s not all your fault. I have my faults too.¡±

    This is the Anya I needed and the one I fell in love with¡ªthe Anya that could stymie any argument we ever had. I felt at times, she claimed to feel responsible, but never took any responsibility for the way I felt¡ªI guess that¡¯s hard for anyone to do. The truth was, I fought with her because I wanted to give her the chance to prove me wrong about the way I felt. I wanted Anya to obliterate every negative feeling I had. I was a laid back, light hearted man¡ªnot one who jabbed, attacked, accused or threatened people; especially those I¡¯d give my life for. My intent wasn¡¯t to criticize her parenting but to present another angle, but my heartache got in way of the message. Anya and even Jackson, as parents did a lot of things right, but I thought staying in their marriage was not one of them¡ªmy existence in their lives and Anya being unable to quit me was proof of that. I wanted nothing more than to prove my love to her every day. She was the first thing on my mind in the morning and the last thing on my mind when I went to sleep for almost nearly two whole years. I never wanted to disrespect, dishonor, or shame her, but my heartache had gotten in the way at times. Considering the situation, one I never thought she¡¯d lead me to, and the level of feelings, there were bound to be missteps from time to time. Throw in the mode of communication and it left things to misinterpretation. Like American freedom, I had no choice but to fight for this dream or perish into darkness forever. I then sent her a series of texts to make her feel better.

    ME: ¡°I put you through a lot of shit though. You didn¡¯t deserve it, babe. The message just didn¡¯t come out the way I intended it to.¡±

    ME: ¡°I think about all the things you told me like ¡°ripping my heart into pieces¡± and ¡°you¡¯re messing with my heart¡± and ¡°you¡¯ve crushed my heart¡± and ¡°you¡¯ve punished me for loving you¡± and ¡°I had to pay¡±, among all the other things you¡¯ve told me. The entire time you were telling me these things, all I could see were my feelings and suffering. I never saw yours because I was too self absorbed in mine. Anyway, I see your pain now.¡±

    ME: ¡°I chose to see your pain and the drug is helping me in every way to do so b/c it¡¯s what I want to do.¡±

    ME: ¡°It¡¯s crazy to say this but I don¡¯t know why I was so upset. That¡¯s how I feel now. I had a beautiful thing.¡±

    ME: ¡°Stepping into the gym. I¡¯ll text you tomorrow.¡±

    Since we could instant message each other now that I had a Blackberry, my phone informed me if my messages were read or not. After noticing she hadn¡¯t read any of them, I decided to get a workout in. After I finished my workout, my phone notified me that she read them. She then responded a few minutes later.

    ANYA: ¡°Let me think about your texts. I¡¯ll text you tomorrow.¡±

    I didn¡¯t know what she meant by that and it led me to fear she had doubts about the drug¡¯s effectiveness¡ªbut these were the kind of tests I¡¯ve failed in the past. Her tone also sounded reconciliatory, even admitting she had faults of her own. This was the Anya I knew¡ªmy Anya, the empathetic one. Not the Anya that belonged to Jackson¡ªthe impressionable little girl his narcissism had molded her into becoming.

    Before I went to bed, I went through some of the scattered paperwork upon my desk. Within the mess, I noticed an invitation about my twenty-year high school reunion on Saturday, July 26<sup>th</sup>¡ªthis upcoming Saturday. Vance and his wife, along with several other of our close friends were going and that inspired me to want to go too. Although it would¡¯ve been nice to catch up with old friends and to see how everyone was doing, the only thing holding me back was I¡¯d have to go alone¡ªeveryone else would be with their significant others. I didn¡¯t want to be at the singles table when my heart was unavailable¡ªI didn¡¯t want to be the side show or be gossiped about. After convincing myself that it would be really nice to catch up with friends whom I used to see everyday and now only once every few years, I completed the RSVP and put a stamp on the return envelope.

    The next morning Anya sent me a text in response to the ones I sent to her.

    ANYA: ¡°Thank you for the texts last nite. It caught me off guard. I try to understand your anger and sadness too. It¡¯s not just me. I think we have to talk in person.¡±

    After I read her text, my heart and mind seemed to be at peace as hope reigned supreme within me¡ªit was the one of the most, if not the most, thoughtful text she ever sent me.

    ME: ¡°I appreciate that. I think so too. I¡¯m feeling good again today. How r u?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Good! I¡¯m ok just leaving to visit a friend in the hospital.¡±

    ME: ¡°Sorry to hear that babe. I hope she/he is ok. Have a good day.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Babe, I know it¡¯s too soon, but I was kinda hoping you¡¯d go to SF this weekend. Not trying to mess with your head.¡±

    Ten days away from my promotion to partner, and she gave me the ultimate sense of hope by hoping I would go to San Francisco. When she added she was ¡°not trying to mess with my head¡±, it made me feel secure she held the same belief I did¡ªa chance to show the world that true love always prevails and conquers all. A trip up north could only present the chance of our lifetimes to save our lifetimes¡ªto keep the dream alive they are spent together; to turn our lifetimes in one, but was I ready to? I believed she wanted me to go to San Francisco for the right reason¡ªto save our love. There were times I couldn¡¯t believe I could love her more and this was one of those times. San Francisco would be a trip of a lifetime to save a lifetime¡ªthere was no way I could pass it up regardless of the uncertainty of the drug¡¯s true effectiveness. I¡¯ve had a few moments in time I wished I could revisit and being in San Francisco with her represented one of those moments. I not only wanted to enjoy it, but also regret nothing. One thing was certain, two lifetimes weighed in the balance and I couldn¡¯t afford a single misstep. Believing Anya really wanted to find a way to reconnect again¡ªI threw my RSVP to the twenty year high school reunion in the trash and decided to lay it all on the line.

 CHAPTER 12 ~ SAN FRANCISCO

    ¡°Making love with you

    Has left me peaceful, warm and tired.

    What more could I ask

    There¡¯s nothing left to be desired.

    Peace came upon me and it leaves me weak

    So sleep, silent angel

    Go to sleep.¡±

    ~ ¡°The Air That I Breathe¡± The Hollies

    After my threat to talk to Jackson, I felt Anya started to understand better what I faced. She had to know me enough by now to know for that to cross my mind, I must¡¯ve been beyond confused and frustrated. The last thing I¡¯d ever want to do was hurt her or her kids, but what if she intentionally hurt me? I just didn¡¯t think that was even remotely possible, but that didn¡¯t mean it didn¡¯t scare me to death to think it was. I could say ¡°I¡¯m sorry¡± all day long to her, but I also had to prove to her how sorry I was. By seeking and going to therapy it showed my actions aligned with my words. I had to get us back to the beginning, even if it meant I had to be on medication¡ªit was for us. More than anything in this world, and really all I ever desired, was to take a knee and put a ring on her finger, and I¡¯d choke on any amount of pride to do so.

    ME: ¡°I know you¡¯re not trying to mess with my head. You never have. I should be ok to go to Sf this weekend. I¡¯d love to see you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Seriously?¡±

    ME: ¡°R u serious about it? I would.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I don¡¯t want to get your hopes up or think we¡¯re getting back together. I just wanna talk.¡±

    ME: ¡°Sweetheart, I don¡¯t expect that at all. I just want to talk to you too.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s costly just to come up for the weekend. Sorry. When would you come up? I¡¯m leaving Fri afternoon (Jet Blue) out of LB airport.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯d take the afternoon off and drive up there on Friday. Where are you staying? I¡¯ll get a hotel near you. What days are you going to be there?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I think it¡¯s called The Palace. Going Fri till Mon. Do you know when you¡¯re going and where?¡±

    ME: ¡°Not sure yet, but what works best for you?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Hmmm I¡¯d have to think about that. Were you thinking to come up for 1,2, or 3 nites?¡±

    ME: ¡°I was thinking 2 nights.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Which 2 nights would be better for you?¡±

    ME: ¡°It will probably be Friday and Sat nite. Which nite did you want to talk?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ok then we can talk both nites. It will be later in the evening I have to figure out what I¡¯m going to say to the girls.¡±

    When she told me both "nites", my life felt renewed sensing some hope she¡¯d give me a genuine chance to prove how the therapy and medication has helped. Giving me a real shot to get back to the start of our love without the sadness that ruthlessly reigned in my mind. Anya was true to her own words¡ªthat you can¡¯t hold a grudge when you¡¯re trying to move forward.

    ME: ¡°I¡¯ll look into hotels and let you know what I find out so I can give you more detailed info.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ok. Let me know what u discover later.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯ll let you know the very minute I know!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°K!¡±

    With renewed vigor, on a Tuesday nonetheless, I went back to work. With hope back in play, I actually loved everything about my life, even the mundane world of accounting. I enjoyed my career for the most part, but with more experience came more work, and with more work came more responsibilities, and with more responsibilities came more pressure and stress. I had a hard time handling stress as much as Anya did at times. I look back at all those times she told me she couldn¡¯t handle the pressure and I felt just awful. Stress is the great distorter of feelings and emotions¡ªit obstructs people from connecting. When things were good with Anya, the pressure and stress were just ordinary challenges that I willingly tackled with passion. I loved my career because I was in love with Anya¡ªher love was integral to my success. Having her in my life helped me get the promotion to partner¡ªwithout her I wouldn¡¯t have cared when it happened. The way she lived her life inspired me to live mine to the fullest and losing her meant all that inspired me would slip away forever¡ªwhy it scared me so much. Her love simply made me feel capable of accomplishing anything in life. I dreamt after a long day at work coming home to her, and that became not only a goal, but a must have in my life. Her hold on me, became that powerful and important. It¡¯s why I could feel the slightest movement and the lowest of sounds that lead to me struggling mightily. As I tackled the plethora of outstanding items on my desk, and staying late to close a few engagement files before my trip to San Francisco, I heard some commotion outside my office. Listening intently, I overheard Clyde and Kevin making plans to grab lunch together across the street. I expected Clyde to poke his head inside and ask for me to join them, but he never did. I was relieved because I planned to look up hotels on my lunch break.

    When I arrived home from the office that evening, Anya sent me a text that tempered my excitement.

    ANYA: ¡°How are you feeling?¡±

    ME: ¡°Fantastic!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°That¡¯s good! R u sure you want to come up? I don¡¯t want you to if it¡¯s going to make you sad or upset. I don¡¯t want to fight either. Just talk.¡±

    ME: ¡°How do you feel about it?¡±

    Her concerns, along with her ¡°I don¡¯t want to get your hopes up¡± text from earlier, captured a microcosm of why I struggled at times. How she went from ¡°I was kinda hoping you¡¯d come up¡± to ¡°I don¡¯t want to get your hopes up¡± would drive anyone in love with her insane. Maybe that was the plan? I didn¡¯t know but at times, it felt that way. I tried to ignore her inconsistency but her question was left up to misinterpretation. All I could do was put it in her court. When she didn¡¯t return my volley, I tried to put her mind at ease with some lobs of my own.

    ME: ¡°Honey, I¡¯m past being upset. Sure, it might make me sad, but I¡¯m sad anyway. It would be nice to see you.¡±

    ME: ¡°Things just don¡¯t bother me anymore. I care, but I don¡¯t care. If that makes sense.¡±

    ME: ¡°I told you I feel bad for you. I hurt you really bad. I wasn¡¯t and am not expecting you to get back with me. I know you just want to talk.¡±

    ME: ¡°The fighting is over on my part.¡±

    After I sent these off to her, I reread them a few times before she responded about fifteen minutes later.

    ANYA: ¡°Ok then I¡¯d love to see you and talk. What time r u leaving Friday?¡±

    ME: ¡°Not sure yet. Hopefully in the morning but it may be in the afternoon.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I won¡¯t be able to meet you till 10ish Friday night. Is that ok?¡±

    ME: ¡°Yes, that¡¯s fine. Thank you for giving me the chance to talk to you and know about this. I appreciate it.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I can meet you after our carbo load dinner, but I don¡¯t know the time yet.¡±

    ME: ¡°Ok! Do what you need to do!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Thank you for understanding. You pinky swear, right?¡±

    ME: ¡°Pinkie swear not to tickle you? JK! Pinky swear!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ok thank u! I will trust u!¡±

    I truly believed with Zoloft, a pinky swear would be a piece of cake. Without it, I doubt I could¡¯ve promised it. Believing the medication helped me deal with any issues I had with her, I took the chance of a lifetime for a moment of a lifetime. I had no control over the unknown variable and what Anya did with Jackson at home. All I could control was my perception of the unknown variable and not let it affect me. I had never felt more optimistic about our relationship, and more hopeful, than I did on this day, and felt just as much in control of my thoughts and emotions as the night we met.

    The next day, while on my lunch break, I booked my room for four hundred dollars a night. After seeing my therapist for the second time, I texted Anya when I got home.

    ME: ¡°I booked my room. I¡¯ll be staying at the Hotel Milano on 5<sup>th</sup> street. It¡¯s about a half mile from your hotel. It¡¯s the closet place I could find that was available both Friday and Saturday nights. I hope it isn¡¯t haunted! Ha!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Great! Haunted? Why would u think that?¡±

    ME: ¡°It looks like an old spooky hotel. Most hotels are haunted in SF aren¡¯t they?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°They r? I don¡¯t like haunted places! I hope it¡¯s not too far! Walking distance?¡±

    ME: ¡°A half mile isn¡¯t too bad, is it? Hope your hotel isn¡¯t haunted too!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Great Landyn. Now I¡¯m going to stay up all nite waiting for my walls to move! JK! That¡¯s not too bad.¡±

    ME: ¡°Haha! Maybe your ghost is friendly? Who knows?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Not funny!¡±

    ME: ¡°Just call him Casper. If he doesn¡¯t answer to that. Um¡­nevermind. Ok I¡¯ll stop!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Too funny!¡±

    ME: ¡°You believe in ghosts, don¡¯t you? See, if I ever see a ghost, it wouldn¡¯t scare me. I¡¯d be happy, actually.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°What? You¡¯d be happy if you saw a ghost?¡±

    ME: ¡°I didn¡¯t say I wouldn¡¯t be scared, but if I saw a ghost it would confirm there¡¯s life after death! See! Always a silver lining if you¡¯re willing to look for one! Ha!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°No, I don¡¯t believe in ghosts. La la la la la! I can¡¯t hear u!¡±

    ME: ¡°Well you might believe in them after this trip! I¡¯m kidding!!!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ur bad!¡±

    ME: ¡°That was bad! Sorry!¡±

    I believed this was the first fun text exchange we¡¯ve had in a while, and it filled my heart with more hope and optimism that we could get back to the beginning¡ªto an even higher height of love for each other. Every real relationship had its share of struggles. We were passionate about each other and sometimes that passion bred heart wrenching discussions, but San Francisco provided us with a chance to grow. To learn from our hard times and move on from them to an even better place where love and understanding ruled supreme.

    There have been many times she had given me hope just to take it away, but she was known from time to time to give hope¡ªI had never been caught more off guard by her next text.

    ANYA: ¡°If I can ditch the girls and not go to the carb dinner on Sat, would you like to have dinner somewhere nice?¡±

    One of our dreams since we first met was to have dinner together. As far as dreams coming true, a dinner together gave me more hope than ever she wanted to hit reset and work on getting back together. As I wiped a tear from my eye, I texted her back.

    ME: ¡°I would love to have dinner with you somewhere nice!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ok! No hopes up, right? Just talking?¡±

    When I read her text, it left me disheartened once again. Why not hit me with that before asking me to have dinner? She was ditching her friends to have a nice dinner with a man she loved yet she didn¡¯t want to give him hope? I put my head in my hands and pushed in the sides of my face then looked up at the sky¡ªtrying to deal with another thing she would say at times that put me on extreme highs then extreme lows. After I had already committed to dinner, I then played it cool to show her it didn¡¯t affect me either way¡ªthat I understood the romantic dinner we dreamt about having was just another hopeless endeavor. I had to ask myself the question though, if she truly wanted to be with me, wouldn¡¯t she allow a dinner at a nice place together to get her hopes up too?

    ME: ¡°I understand.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ok we¡¯re on! We may need to work on a reservation though for it will be a busy weekend!¡±

    ME: ¡°I can take care of that!¡±

    Doubting Jackson ever made reservations for them, I decided to be the man in the relationship and take the initiative.

    ANYA: ¡°Ok! Thank u! Do u want restaurant recommendations or do you want to go to a place you know and like?¡±

    ME: ¡°Do you have any place in mind?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Boulevard. Kuletos or Slanted Door. Fleur de lys if you want fancy.¡±

    Kuletos¡ªwhere I met Jackson Caiaphas for the first time with Clyde when we pitched our services to him. I didn¡¯t know what the other restaurants served, but I did lean a little towards Kuletos due to the familiarity I had with it. Remembering how he bragged about himself and his perfect family, there was a sense of pride I couldn¡¯t deny in taking his wife there for a romantic dinner. A place he likely embarrassed her at before while flirting with waitresses in her presence.

    ME: ¡°They all sound good to me!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°U pick! Do u have a place u like?¡±

    Uh oh, I thought. My ¡°they all sound good to me¡± didn¡¯t seem to fool Anya as I believed she picked up on the fact I had no clue what was on any of the menus of the restaurants she suggested.

    ME: ¡°I really don¡¯t. Is your heart set on a certain restaurant? I¡¯d be more than happy to go there!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Not really. Fleur is more dressy-expensive. Kuletos is Italian. Boulevard is American and Slanted Door is contemporary Vietnamese. See which has availability.¡±

    ME: ¡°Ok, availability will probably narrow it down for me! I¡¯ll pick a winner for us!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I hope you can get a reservation cuz busy weekend!¡±

    ME: ¡°Me too! We¡¯ll see! Is 8 a good time u think?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Plus or minus 30 min to an hour. We may have to be flexible.¡±

    ME: ¡°Ok! I just want to make sure you don¡¯t have to rush after visiting your nephew.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Thx I¡¯ll be fine.¡±

    ME: ¡°Ok! Let me see what I can do.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°K¡±

    It took me all of five minutes to phone Kuletos and make a dinner reservation for 8 p.m. The main reason I decided on that restaurant was because I knew Anya believed I didn¡¯t like Italian food. I wanted her to know I was willing to give it a try, although it was hard to pass up the expensive dressy restaurant because I wanted to see what Anya would wear, but I knew she would look beautiful regardless. I also knew she wanted to carb load on Saturday night so her heart had to be set on Italian food.

    Ten minutes after we finished texting, I texted her again.

    ME: ¡°Kuletos. 8 p.m. on Saturday evening has been reserved. You can carb load there if you want to!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ha ha! Great! Thank you!¡±

    ME: ¡°Should be fun!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yes! How r u feeling?¡±

    ME: ¡°I feel well. Talked to my therapist today. I told her how I feel so different than I did just a week ago and she said that was great b/c the med hasn¡¯t really set in yet. How r u feeling?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°That¡¯s good! Glad u r still going to see her. I¡¯m good. I have to admit I¡¯m a bit nervous about this weekend but I know you¡¯re feeling better so I¡¯m good with it.¡±

    ME: ¡°If here was ever a time not to be nervous, this weekend is the time. I know it is hard to understand and believe but it¡¯s true.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m glad we are going out to dinner. I hope we can really talk and get it all out.¡±

    ME: ¡°I think we¡¯ll be able to do that!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ok, I will believe u.¡±

    ME: ¡°You have never been safer from my negative emotions.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ok¡±

    ME: ¡°2 months from today was the last time I saw you. Hard to believe.¡±

    May 22<sup>nd</sup>, 2009, the day I blasted her for having her sister-in-law as a house guest¡ªAndrew and Katie¡¯s aunt. I looked back at that and could only shake my head in disbelief that I let that break me down. I guess I hoped she wouldn¡¯t have been comfortable having her over to stay because of our relationship. Then again, she had to keep up appearances because Jackson knew.

    ANYA: ¡°Really? I remember putting my half full Corona on the counter in disbelief and feeling so sad.¡±

    ME: ¡°I know. I remember too much from that day. I¡¯ve had some bad days in my life but that was the worst one for sure. That date is hard to forget for me.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Sorry. Let¡¯s just enjoy our time this weekend and not be down and sad. Ok?¡±

    ME: ¡°Ok. I¡¯m looking forward to it.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Me too.¡±

    Regardless of her inconsistency, her words of encouragement lit me up inside enough to feel this would be a dinner together full of hope and love. That she wanted to give me a chance at redemption. To get us back on track and in the right direction. If that was her intent, whether she admitted it or not, we would fly from here.

    The next day, I asked to take the day off on Friday so I could drive up early enough to avoid much traffic. Since the firm didn¡¯t pay for overtime worked during the busy season, they put up our overtime hours in a bank that I could use for days off when it wasn¡¯t busy¡ªup to eighty hours a year. A lot of people chose to not work on Fridays during the summer months instead of going on vacation during the year. When I took this particular Friday off, even after I had just taken three sick days, it was standard operating procedure for the firm¡¯s employees.

    When the next day arrived, and I was home from work, I texted her hoping for consistency.

    ME: ¡°One more day!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Can you believe it?¡±

    ME: ¡°No! Ha ha! How r u?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Horrendous day! Going to be a long nite. Long story. Will tell you tomorrow. A bit nervous but good. U nervous?¡±

    ME: ¡°U know I¡¯m not nervous at all. I¡¯m looking forward to talking to you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Good! Do you feel good?¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m feeling good. I feel very different in a good way.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ok I¡¯m glad. What time are you leaving tomorrow morning? I¡¯m so overwhelmed right now.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m thinking at about 9 in the morning. Wish I could help you. Are you packed yet?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ha! No not yet.¡±

    ME: ¡°Take it easy over there.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Thx trying.¡±

    When she told me she was nervous, I chalked it up to nothing more than the usual excitement we felt when seeing each other. I also couldn¡¯t blame her for being nervous after the last time we saw each other at my place and I lost my marbles. With Zoloft working, the shield that protected me from my negative thoughts, things would be different this time around. It was only natural for her to worry about me breaking down¡ªa learned behavior. Knowing I had to earn her trust again, I wasn¡¯t even slightly concerned I¡¯d fail her.

    When the morning, of the day we were to meet for the first time in two months, arrived, I texted her.

    ME: ¡°Good morning. I hope you had a good night and your day got a little better. I¡¯m going to leave in an hour.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Thanks. Haven¡¯t slept. Been up all nite with Andrew. Sick with high temp. Drive carefully.¡±

    The drive to San Francisco carried the same haunting memory as the one I made on the same highway to meet Denise in Sacramento¡ªa six-hour trip I made just to be treated like a monster. Although some similarities could be made because of the apprehension in her texts¡ªit didn¡¯t carry the same emotions because Anya loved me. We experienced far more beautiful moments than Denise and me ever did so there should be no comparisons made but that trip haunted me. I didn¡¯t want to leave San Francisco feeling the same way I left Sacramento, but fear knew no variances and always prompted pain. Anya¡¯s love left me to feel my depression when Denise dumped me was the biggest joke. Losing Anya¡¯s love should cause that kind of depression, not Denise¡¯s lack of love. Falling for Anya made me realize how irrational I was for letting Denise¡¯s loss affect me the way it did. Although there was no way this trip would end the same way and was an entirely different set of circumstances, the fear of failure remained with me. But I knew love now and to let the past enter my consciousness would be irrational. Continuing my drive, and only four hours removed from my destination, Anya sent me a text.

    ANYA: ¡°Hi. Hope driving is going well. Don¡¯t text me until 3 p.m. just in case. My computer guy¡¯s going to work on my phone and I don¡¯t want him to get any info. Ok?¡±

    ME: ¡°K!¡±

    An hour later, I received a call and voicemail from an unknown number. When I went to retrieve the message, the voice was Vance¡¯s to let me know they all pitched in to get a limo for the high school reunion¡ªI had totally forgotten to tell them about my change of plans. When he announced the names of everyone in the limo, a group of some of my closest friends, it broke my heart to have to let him down. I immediately called and explained to him what came up and how important it was for me to go to San Francisco this weekend¡ªthe moment of a lifetime. When I told him, I would still pay my share for the limo, he told me not to worry about it and wished me the best. When I hung up the phone, it brought me back to a time when being in the limo with my close friends would my first option, but I wanted my best friend, Anya, with me now. Other than meeting my mother, I wanted her to meet my closest friends¡ªI know they would love her. There was no doubt that this trip to San Francisco was the most important trip I¡¯ve ever taken. I loved this woman with my heart and soul¡ªI ate, slept and breathed her. If things were right with her in my life, my life was perfect. Anywhere with Anya was always the place I wanted to be. If she were removed from my life, I would only be lost forever. I knew this and that¡¯s why my first and only choice was to go to San Francisco¡ªto prove to her I was well, and we belonged together. Yes, I went to San Francisco with hope in my heart, but not expecting anything other than the chance to talk. If there was hope for us, it had to start in San Francisco and not necessarily happen there. We couldn¡¯t be together in San Francisco because I had to prove to her I could fix the mess I made first. Our meeting could only represent a starting point and nothing more¡ªI had to earn back her trust.

    My route into San Francisco, at about 3 p.m. took me on the Oakland Bay Bridge, a conduit I remembered during the 1989 World Series was damaged during an earthquake. Since it was a Friday, I forgot that rush hour started early. As traffic grounded to a halt, Anya sent me a text.

    ANYA: ¡°R u here?¡±

    ME: ¡°On the Oakland Bay bridge stuck in traffic! R u here?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°K! Yes, I¡¯m here. It¡¯s freakin¡¯ cold up here! Brought all the wrong clothes! Just waiting for shuttle.¡±

    I rolled down my window, letting the cold air blow against my hand before rolling it quickly back up.

    ME: ¡°OMG! It is cold! Just thirty minutes ago the temperature was 90 degrees and now it¡¯s 55! A temperature difference of 35 degrees just 30 miles further?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Hope u packed warm clothes!¡±

    ME: ¡°Nope! I didn¡¯t pack any long-sleeved shirts.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Me too! Couple of Southern Cali rookies!¡±

    I knew San Francisco could get windy, from my time catching a Giants game as a kid at Candlestick Park. The temperature was a comfortable seventy degrees at first pitch but at around the sixth inning a fog rolled in and all of a sudden there was a wind chill factor of forty degrees. It would¡¯ve been nice to recall this memory before I arrived in San Francisco, but my mind was elsewhere.Love what you''re reading? Discover and support the author on the platform they originally published on.

    After I reached my hotel room about eight hours after I embarked, I emptied my suitcase and set up shop before I texted Anya to let her know I arrived.

    ANYA: ¡°Welcome! We just made it too. Yes, dinner with them and an old neighbor who moved up here. I could be free around 9-9:30ish? Ok with you?¡±

    ME: ¡°Of course! Have a great time!¡±

    Since I had four hours to kill, I planned to grab dinner then take a quick nap¡ªthe drive had worn me out a bit. About a half hour before we were to meet, she sent me a text.

    ANYA: ¡°Sorry running late! 10:30 ok?¡±

    ME: ¡°Absolutely! Thanks for letting me know!¡±

    I snuck in another half hour of rest then got up to shower, however when 10:30 came around, I still hadn¡¯t heard from her. I didn¡¯t want to text her because she was with her friends and trusted she would let me know when she would be ready. At fifteen minutes past ten thirty, she did.

    ANYA: ¡°Can you meet me at my lobby at 11:30?¡±

    ME: ¡°On my way!¡±

    Her hotel was within walking distance of mine, and since there seemed to be little parking available, I decided to walk sleeveless in the fifty-degree night. I arrived at her hotel lobby at twenty minutes past eleven and sat down to wait for her. The lobby captured the essence of its namesake, The Palace. Gold drapes and marble floors created a majestic feeling as people walked back and forth. Loud voices from the hotel¡¯s nearby banquet rooms could be heard in the lobby area creating a party atmosphere¡ªno wonder why Anya had a hard time pulling away. After getting up to see what was going on, I felt a light tap on my shoulder.

    ¡°Landyn!¡±

    ¡°Deb!¡± I announced loudly back before giving her a hug. ¡°How are you? You look really nice!¡±

    ¡°Good! Thank you!¡± she replied, taking a sip from her wine glass. ¡°Cold enough for ya?¡±

    ¡°You could say that!¡± I laughed. ¡°I definitely didn¡¯t pack for this.¡±

    ¡°We all didn¡¯t pack for this.¡±

    ¡°What¡¯s going on in there?¡±

    ¡°Oh¡­somebody got married.¡±

    ¡°Do you know them?¡±

    ¡°No, we basically decided to go crash it and they invited us in for a drink.¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s classic!¡± I laughed, hoping to join the fun. ¡°Is Anya in there?¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t know¡­we all got separated. I think so.¡± She answered, taking another sip of her drink while trying to maintain her balance. ¡°Did she ask you to meet her in the lobby?¡±

    ¡°She did, but I¡¯m ten minutes early. I¡¯m sure she¡¯ll be here.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m sure she will.¡± She assured with a smile. ¡°I¡¯m going back in. Take care, Landyn. Nice to see you.¡±

    ¡°Nice to see you too, Deb. Take care.¡±

    After I ended my conversation with her, I decided to look at my phone to see if Anya sent me a message, and she did.

    ANYA: ¡°Come up to room 822.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯ll be right there!¡±

    As I knocked on her room¡¯s door, I didn¡¯t know what to expect. When it swung open, my eyes widened fueled by the increased rate of my heartbeat. Over two months¡¯ worth of sand fell through the hourglass of time since my eyes met hers, and when she extended both of her hands out to me I couldn¡¯t put mine in hers fast enough. Walking slowly backwards as I followed her lead, she didn¡¯t say a word¡ªwe were too lost in each other to speak. Her dark hair flowed down her shoulders, like the most tranquil waterfall over a healthy green cliff. Like a drop of water into the ocean, my eyes were lost in the soft darkness of hers. With a smile that pierced my heart with the precision of Excalibur, her cheeks enhanced my view like watching the synchronicity of two setting suns. She wore a beige, almost golden blouse loosely hanging over high-rise dark blue jeans with open toed heels¡ªan ensemble I had yet to see on her. Unable to control the beauty before me, I slowly brought her into my body releasing her from our extended embrace, and back home to me. We stood in her room for no less than five minutes holding onto each other for dear life¡ªas if we were stranded in a frigid ocean and finally able to board the boat that saved us. Not only did I not want to let go¡ªI couldn¡¯t let go. If it was possible to hold her forever so I could never lose her again, I was up for the challenge. To feel her in my arms. To smell her sweet perfume. To see her sweet face. To hear her soft voice. There was no closer thing to heaven on earth.

    ¡°I¡¯ve missed you so much.¡± I whispered in her left ear, reluctant to let go.

    ¡°I¡¯ve missed you too.¡± she whispered softly back.

    She then began to withdraw but held her hands out so I could put mine back in hers where they belonged. Then it hit me¡ªthis was one of those moments of a lifetime. One of those moments in time we had to seize or lose it forever. Trying to fight back tears, she slowly guided me in front of her and right over her bed¡ªthe time to seize the moment of a lifetime upon me. Taking a step backwards, she fell down upon the bed as I brought myself upon her. It was at this moment I realized she was a little tipsy, and she smiled then closed her eyes recognizing she couldn¡¯t fool me. The way she laid there, with her hair sprawled over a white pillow and with unbuttoned jeans exposing her toned stomach, her beauty rendered like a mute on the San Francisco streets. With her eyes closed, she brought her left hand to the side of my face and began to run it through my hair. I then closed my eyes¡ªit felt so good after the long day I had. Running my fingers through her thin soft dark hair, I didn¡¯t stop until her eyes were back into mine. The last thing I wanted to do was assume anything, but my visit to her room filled my heart with the hope that this trip wasn¡¯t just meant for talking¡ªbut for the chance to get back together. That she wanted the same thing that I wanted setting up our dinner the following evening to be the romantic one we dreamt about. Anya then brought her hand from my hair and to across her neck line.

    ¡°My thingie.¡± she announced, smiling while her fingers played with the necklace I had gotten her. I could barely speak upon seeing it on her neckline.

    ¡°I love you.¡± I exhaled, bringing my lips to kiss her neckline.

    ¡°I love you too.¡± she whispered.

    Bringing my lips into hers, it was time to lay it all on the line¡ªto see if she wanted to do more than talk on this trip. Letting our natural instincts overcome us, she met mine without restraint as we seized the moment of our lifetimes. It all felt surreal knowing this very moment was one of those defining ones of fate and destiny we¡¯re only allowed a few times in our life. But the real miracle of what I experienced resided in one simple fact¡ªmy moment of a lifetime came with my soulmate. As she writhed below me in pleasure, I brought her hands above her head so I could take off her blouse. I then removed my shirt and brought my bare chest upon her bosom a she whispered ¡°I love you¡± before her lips crashed into mine. I moved my hand downward across her stomach and moved them lower past her unbuttoned fly. With each kiss and moan, the further her last visit to my apartment and Las Vegas disappeared from memory to remind us we needed to feel each other again to save all we had¡ªthe one thing no one could take away from us. With each word, the more convinced I became that this trip was about getting back to the start, and Anya felt just as frustrated as I was. Her love instantly brought my guard down about any reservations I had before leaving that morning and it showed she cared about my plight¡ªhaving to go on medication to resolve the issues I was to blame for that hurt her¡ªthat hurt us.

    ¡°The girls are going to be back here any minute, babe.¡± she informed.

    ¡°Ok.¡± I answered, pulling slowly away from her while playing with her hair again. ¡°I ran into Debbie downstairs.¡±

    ¡°Did you see Carolyn, too?¡±

    ¡°No, just Debbie.¡±

    ¡°Oh okay, Carolyn was with her. I left.¡± She filled me in. ¡°I didn¡¯t know those people.¡±

    ¡°Well, I¡¯m glad you did!¡± I smiled.

    ¡°Can I come to your room later?¡± she asked abruptly. ¡°I wish I could go now and sleep with you tonight, but I promised the girls I¡¯d be here when they got back.¡±

    ¡°Or course you can.¡± I quickly responded. ¡°I didn¡¯t expect this at all¡ªI understand.¡±

    ¡°Me neither¡ªI¡¯ve missed you so much.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯ve missed you beyond missing.¡± I said, gently kissing her lips. ¡°How do you plan on getting to my hotel?¡±

    ¡°I was going to walk.¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s pretty cold out there, babe.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯ll be fine¡ªI just don¡¯t know how to get to your place.¡±

    ¡°How about you text me ten minutes before you¡¯re ready to leave and I¡¯ll meet you downstairs so we can walk together?¡± I offered. ¡°How¡¯s that sound?¡±

    ¡°That sounds perfect! Can you just meet me in the lobby in about four hours¡ªat five thirty?¡±

    ¡°Five thirty?¡± I joked. ¡°Piece of cake!¡±

    She broke into laughter before coming into my arms. We continued to hold each other on her bed, fading in and out of consciousness, before she fought off contemplations of leaving with me at that very moment. She had been up the night before tending to Andrew so I thought it would selfish to stay. Seeing how the alcohol slowly worked it depressive effects on her, I brought my lips upon the top of her forehead.

    ¡°Get some rest, babe.¡± I spoke. ¡°I¡¯ll be in the lobby by five thirty. Ok?¡±

    ¡°I love you forever.¡± She whispered with her eyes closed. ¡°Let me know when you make it back to your room, please.¡±

    ¡°I will. I love you forever.¡± I replied, kissing her lips one more time before leaving her room.

    When I made it back to my room ten minutes later, I texted her.

    ME: ¡°Made it back. Goodnight sweetheart. I love you. Sweet dreams.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I love you too! Goodnight!¡±

    I tried to close my eyes to fall asleep, but the adrenaline flowing through me stole away any chance of that happening. Nearly two years later, a single moment with Anya felt just as great as the night we first met. Gratitude filled me for the chance to reconnect with her¡ªa huge statement about her love and belief in us. There was no way she¡¯d allow San Francisco to take place without knowing she was better off with me. The reason she told me not to get my hopes up was so she knew I was coming to see her for the right reasons¡ªout of love. Whether she chose to believe it or not¡ªat least subconsciously she knew what Jackson was all about¡ªa man who used sex to ease stress, and not out of love. To know he was a larger pig than she was willing to ever admit, I felt more justified by my actions. The bottom line is that I loved Anya and if I felt anything less, I would¡¯ve never chosen to be in her life¡ªlet alone give her any of the grief I did. Afraid I¡¯d fall asleep right through a hotel alarm clock I had little faith in, I woke up at a quarter to five and left the room a half hour earlier than anticipated. I sat in the hotel¡¯s lobby for fifteen minutes before Anya sent me a text at five twenty to tell me she was on her way down to the lobby¡ªshe was just as excited as I was.

    ANYA: ¡°On your way?¡±

    ME: ¡°I just got here, babe. Whenever you¡¯re ready, come on down.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°On my way!¡±

    I waited in her hotel lobby with an anticipation I¡¯ve not felt in what seemed forever¡ªanxious to build on all that transpired hours earlier. I didn¡¯t expect any of this before I got in my car to drive to San Francisco¡ªespecially her desire to be in my arms in bed with me. All I expected was a chance to have a nice dinner together followed by a conversation afterwards. But based on what happened between us already, it seemed the conversation was a moot point. I¡¯m sure she wanted to have a serious conversation as much as I did but not if it would steal from what we¡¯ve shared or what is yet to be shared. When she came down to meet me in the lobby, she looked as beautiful as ever as a huge smile broke upon a face that glowed¡ªa look that showed me this moment together would be one to be remembered forever.

    Walking hand in hand, on a cold forty-five-degree July morning in San Francisco, I felt nothing but warmth as we strode in unison back to my hotel room. Anya rubbed my left arm with her free hand as we held each other close walking down the street together. We then crossed paths with a man holding a sign with extremely small lettering. Whatever the message was, no matter how early he tried to get it out there, it didn¡¯t have much of a chance making it to the people anyway. I laughed internally visualizing a passerby having to stop with a magnifying glass to learn what he was protesting about. We were right in the middle of downtown San Francisco, the business hub of the city, but he was the only one crazy enough to be out with us. With her hand and her eyes in mine, it made me sad no one was out with us because it made me proud to be with her in public¡ªa couple in their eyes. When we got to my hotel, we wasted no time picking up where we left off just hours earlier. She then fell asleep in her arms and I did the same¡ªfinally at peace with each other.

    When I awoke an hour later, it shocked me she was in my arms¡ªshe was as comfortable sleeping with as a blanket was. When we awoke, we couldn¡¯t keep our hands and lips off of each other; as if we were never ¡°BU¡¯d¡± for even a day. Not only were we now back to the start, but back where we belonged. Felling Anya¡¯s love for me once again and without any uncertainty, I could tell she missed every part of me. She tried to hide her true intentions for this trip as much as I tried to hide mine from her in Las Vegas¡ªit felt like I had won the lottery rediscovering our connection again. I had been in San Francisco with her for about twelve hours and already the trip was a resounding success. It just made me feel that much worse for all the grief I gave her¡ªthere was no question this woman loved me and that¡¯s why I pushed back as hard as I did¡ªhoping she realized the importance behind having each other. We weren¡¯t about wrecking a home, or hurting people, we were the reason why people should believe in love and to never settle for less than true bliss. For our love to have any chance at all, we needed to feel each other again and I loved her so much for knowing that. I tried to let her run the show, not because I didn¡¯t want to, but so she could see how much this love meant for her to have. If she didn¡¯t think what we had was special, she would¡¯ve never asked me to come up. Her life mattered too. I had to let her initiate things because she wouldn¡¯t be able to deny how she truly felt about me, and about us. By giving us a chance, she recognized her faults too and the beauty of that is she didn¡¯t have to tell me that at all¡ªshe showed me that. Her ability to see how I could feel, her empathy, told me the narcissist that Jackson brought out of her was not even remotely close to who she really was¡ªI did change her forever. With every touch, she understood my emotional breakdown was the result of a situation that she hadn¡¯t changed yet, and for her to love me in this manner, with so much affection and purpose, proved her heart forgave me. With the good feelings I built up before the trip, aided by the medication and therapy visits, these positive thoughts would only grow from here¡ªher love breathing life into all that was ever possible. With the worst days now behind us and the truth about the strength of her feelings for me revealing themselves without restraint, we could move forward without holding any grudges.

    At about nine that morning, after our most meaningful morning together, we walked back to her hotel, but opted not to hold hands since people were walking about. I gave her a warm hug in her hotel lobby and we said our goodbyes. When I got back to the hotel, I crashed landed on my bed but could not close my eyes for the life of me. All the pain and loneliness I felt for the last two months floated away in thin air replaced by gratitude and contentment.

    At around noon, my phone¡¯s red light started to blink.

    ANYA: ¡°Anyway u can try to move our reservation to 7:30? If no availability, no problem.¡±

    ME: ¡°Ok, I¡¯ll call right now.¡±

    When I read her text, I surmised her schedule opened up a bit for her and she wanted to spend some more time with me if possible. When I called Kuleto¡¯s, they easily moved our reservation to 7:30.

    ME: ¡°Hi babe. I was able to move up our reservation to 7:30.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Just wanted to give you a heads-up bout tonite. I can¡¯t stay out late cuz we are all waking up at 3:30 a.m. and I want to be well rested. Hope u understand.¡±

    ME: ¡°I totally understand.¡±

    I felt bad she even had to mention it, but after a beautiful morning together and having to walk on eggshells around me, I¡¯m sure she worried I might not understand. Although I felt a little disheartened by it, I totally understood why. She skipped her carb loading meal with the girls and it was a big deal¡ªI was grateful just to have dinner with her. After this morning, she deserved nothing but my understanding.

    Later that afternoon, she texted me again.

    ANYA: ¡°Getting nervous.¡±

    ME: ¡°Why nervous, babe?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m sure it won¡¯t happen but you never know. What if we run into someone I know? What should I say? Old friend from high school?¡±

    A dinner at Kuleto¡¯s, the place I met Jackson on a business lunch, provided the real possibility for such a scenario. He was popular at the restaurant and even the hostesses knew who he was. For all we knew, Jackson could be on his way up north with their kids in tow¡ªhe was watching her like a hawk. Unfortunately, I couldn¡¯t dismiss her concerns, one I never considered when I made the reservation.

    ME: ¡°I think that¡¯s a good idea, or a new client or business associate.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°What¡¯s your name?¡±

    ME: ¡°How about Rich Hopkins? I¡¯ll even throw in a British accent for good measure.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ok Rich!¡±

    Anya suddenly seemed a little skittish¡ªlike she would be if she were home. It surprised me mostly because she never addressed these concerns after she asked me if I wanted to have dinner with her. Usually after a beautiful morning together, she¡¯d send me a text telling me she loved our time together, but she only asked me to move up the reservation then told me she couldn¡¯t stay out late. Did she know something I didn¡¯t? Was she having regrets? Her sudden nervousness worried me a little bit. I took my Zoloft pill for the day and focused on the positives to get me through the quiet afternoon before dinner.

    Having a few hours to kill, I jumped in the shower, got dressed and then went out to have lunch. After having a turkey sandwich, I stopped off at a nearby convenience store for a bottle of water and a bag of almonds to snack on. Just as I was entering the store, Anya and Debbie passed by me on their way out of it. When I saw them, a smile broke out upon my face¡ªthe universe was definitely on my side. Wanting so bad to grab her hand and kiss her but knowing I couldn¡¯t, I hoped we could talk for a few minutes. Instead of stopping, they seemed shocked and waved as they walked quickly by me and continued on their way, presumably back to her hotel. Although it stung, I figured Anya likely told Debbie and Carolyn I was leaving today so they wouldn¡¯t think she ditched them to have dinner with me instead. After all we shared just six hours earlier could there be any reason other than that. Also, she had told Debbie we were broken up so why would she do anything more than wave and walk away? After they disappeared into a crowd of people I¡¯ve never met in my life, it made me a little sad knowing her hand was just in mine on the same sidewalk. Knowing that in a perfect world, she could¡¯ve jumped into my arms in front of them all, like anyone else who loved someone could do. After our tremendously beautiful morning together, positive thoughts soon overcame the sadness of the situation. Although the day brought with it a different version of her, I felt better knowing a dream would come true later this evening.

    After I got back to the hotel with my water and almonds, Anya sent me an instant message.

    ANYA: ¡°Sorry I didn¡¯t stop. I was startled.¡±

    ME: ¡°No worries, babe! Nice to see you though!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Uh huh! How was your day. Do you regret coming up here?¡±

    ME: ¡°I had a beautiful night and morning with you. I¡¯m good and relaxed. No regrets whatsoever!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ok. I¡¯m glad u came up and glad you¡¯re relaxed.¡±

    After what we shared this morning, it startled me she would ask if I regretted coming up to San Francisco. Sure, she seemed a little different this afternoon, but dinner would resolve any anxieties I was feeling. She proved the depth of her love for me this morning, and I had to focus on the chance she gave us to reconnect. All the pieces were coming together for us to be one with each other again, but I could not risk chipping any of her away by forming my own conclusions because of the loneliness I felt. She then sent a text that instantly brought a smile to my face.

    ANYA: ¡°It was nice to be in your arms again.¡±

    ME: ¡°I loved having you in them again. I loved and cherished every second of last night and this morning.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Me too.¡±

    After our brief textchange, the Anya who left my hotel room six hours earlier made a reappearance after weathering the storm of her concerns. I didn¡¯t expect last night and this morning to happen, but it did. Now, enjoying the rest of our time together in a city we made memories in, took precedence over any serious talk. She told me this trip would be a ¡°pinky swear¡± good time, and after all we shared already, it was better to keep it that way. While my parents celebrated their thirty-ninth wedding anniversary and my friends celebrated our twentieth-year high school reunion, here I was in San Francisco celebrating a day I dreamt about for two years¡ªto have a dinner date with the love of a lifetime.

    Coming up to San Francisco was proof that if you fought for and willed them to happen, that hopes, wishes and dreams could come true. That nothing was impossible if you believed in love. Spending more time than usual hoping to look handsome enough to be seen with her, I couldn¡¯t wait to feel enormously proud to be out with her in a public place¡ªas if we were a couple. After our morning together, I felt neither fearful or nervous about dinner with her. There was no way any conversation at dinner would be anything less than playful banter between two people who wanted so badly to reconnect. We promised each other it would be a ¡°pinky swear¡± night and she already proved to me it would be nothing less. She didn¡¯t want a serious conversation as much as I wanted one¡ªwe could save it, if it was needed, when we returned home. The fifteen hundred dollars I spent on this trip was worth every penny because of the moments of a lifetime we shared. Now, here was another milestone, a dream achieved, a nice dinner together. The very thought of sitting across from her made me incredibly proud¡ªI couldn¡¯t wait to flirt with her too¡ªa change from what she was used to. This dinner and the entire trip, was one we¡¯d never forget¡ªthe moment of a lifetime that saved our love. Something we¡¯d look back on years from now, if we married, giving us a reason to visit San Francisco each year. I then recalled my parents spent their honeymoon in San Francisco¡ªa strange coincidence that I found beauty in the same city they did, encapsulating everything right about our love.

    After slipping on a pair of slacks with a dark green Hugo Boss shirt that exposed my biceps a little more than I anticipated, I grabbed my room key and bank card before closing the door behind me to brave the brisk Frisco air once more. I then hailed down a taxi to take me to Kuleto¡¯s. On my way to the restaurant, she texted me.

    ANYA: ¡°Wearing jeans.¡±

    ME: ¡°Wearing slacks! See you soon!¡±

    I guess she feared I may overdress and didn¡¯t want me to, but Anya¡¯s jeans were dressy more than they were casual. Although I would¡¯ve loved to see her in a black cocktail dress, I¡¯m sure there would be another time, hopefully at Valentino¡¯s¡ªanother place we dreamt of having dinner at.

    Unable to handle the anticipation, I arrived at the restaurant a half hour early. While waiting in the reception area, Anya sent me a text.

    ANYA: ¡°U here yet? On my way.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m here.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Almost there!¡±

    A dream nearly two years in the making had finally arrived¡ªa dinner date at a nice restaurant. What seemed small to the outside world, was a huge victory for us both. We¡¯ve come such a long hard way to be here just to achieve one of our hopes, wishes and dreams. As I sat waiting for Anya¡¯s arrival, I imagined many nights like this, sitting across from her with a menu in my hand and a smile on my face. After this morning, everything and anything was possible. I then fantasized having dinner with her, after leaving behind a lighted Eiffel tower under a bright Paris moon, wearing my ring while she perused her menu¡ªinstead of the one that weighed her down. I then replayed a lot of the moments we shared in my mind. From the first night we met, to the night she asked me to fight for her. From Laguna Beach to Our beach. From the saved texts I sent her when she was in New York City to her pony tail dancing behind her when she showed up at my apartment at five in the morning. To the tears she cried in Canada over a phone that died to the ultimate love and trust she showed me in San Diego. Her face touched my mind, forcing a smile in front of strangers who looked at me oddly¡ªbut I didn¡¯t care. I had never been more in love with her than I was at this moment. When I thought about the contrast to the last trip I took up north to be with someone¡ªI smiled even more. If Sacramento led to San Francisco, then the pain was all worth it. I just couldn¡¯t wait to have a real date with her¡ªwe were more together on this night than we ever have been before. Knowing that made me grin from ear to ear¡ªI was finally worth a damn in this life. I meant something. The wait was over for me¡ªI was having a dinner date with the girl who was even better than the girl of my dreams.

    When she arrived, her beauty left me breathless, like she did the night I met her in Laguna Beach¡ªthe most beautiful thing I¡¯ve ever laid my eyes on. I saw the heads turn, and unfaithful eyes follow her as she approached me, her dark feathered hair flowing to the middle of her back while gracing the front of her forehead. I could tell she felt a little uneasy, unable to smile with eyes that moved cautiously outside of mine, so we did not embrace. Jackson Caiaphas was held in high regard here, and I had to respect that she was Anya Caiaphas. Yes, this was a dinner date, but no one but us knew that¡ªI had to protect her. I then informed the hostess my ¡°other party¡± had arrived, and she walked us immediately to our table. As we ambled through the restaurant, it was certainly filled with distinguished people that exuded an aura of sophistication and class. Anya easily fit in but I felt a bit out of place. When we reached our table, it lacked both a romantic and private feel, but we were together to have dinner, and that meant the world to me. I waited for Anya to be seated before I took my chair. Our waiter immediately came to our table and handed us our menus and a wine list. I adroitly ordered a glass of wine for both Anya and myself, a difference from our first date two years earlier when I couldn¡¯t tell a wine list from a menu. I knew she had to get back early and was a little nervous, so we quietly looked over the menus and decided our entrees before trying to comfortably engage each other. Anya dared me to order pasta, and I almost did but they had a chicken parmesan dish I couldn¡¯t pass up. I then found myself watching her dark eyes peruse the menu before they gently swept up into mine, like a leaf blown off the ground by a soft breeze.

    ¡°What?¡± she whispered, catching me in the act.

    ¡°Oh, nothing.¡± I replied. ¡°Just admiring your beauty.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re too sweet.¡± She said, a small smile breaching upon her face.

    Anya wanted to order a vegan dish they had and after giving both of our orders to the waiter, I handed both menus back to the waiter and thanked him. Anya seemed to be surprised by my gesture, and it surprised me only because Jackson never seemed to do that for her either. I hoped she saw how, unlike her husband who used to flirt with the waitresses in front of her, I¡¯d never take her for granted. That the most important thing in my life sat right across from me, and I¡¯d be the gentleman she always deserved to have in a restaurant.

    ¡°You look very handsome tonight.¡± she said. ¡°Thank you for meeting me here.¡±

    Her kind words hit me hard¡ªhaving the most beautiful woman in the entire restaurant tell me I looked very handsome meant the world to me.

    ¡°On the way to our table, I took a good look around the restaurant.¡± I informed her. ¡°Do you know what I learned?¡±

    ¡°No?¡± She responded, her eyes looking around her.

    ¡°That I¡¯m the luckiest man alive because I¡¯m having dinner with the most beautiful woman here tonight.¡± I told her, then looking around like she did before saying. ¡°And it¡¯s not even close.¡±

    ¡°You always make me feel special. Thank you.¡±

    All I could think about were all the times she got dressed up, and Jackson made her feel anything but beautiful while he flirted with the waitresses in her presence.

    ¡°No¡ªthank you. Thank you for such a beautiful morning.¡± I replied. ¡°I didn¡¯t expect that at all.¡±

    ¡°I didn¡¯t either.¡± she said. ¡°I guess I missed you a lot.¡±

    ¡°The feeling is beyond mutual.¡± I said, as the waiter put our salads down in front of us. ¡°Have you been to this restaurant before?¡±

    ¡°Several times.¡± she said, as we placed the cloth napkins on our laps. ¡°Have you?¡±

    ¡°I was here last year for a business lunch.¡±

    ¡°I see.¡± She said, as she started to eat her salad.

    ¡°How¡¯s Andrew feeling, babe?¡±

    ¡°He¡¯s feelin¡¯ better¡ªhe had a real high temperature the night before I left.¡±

    ¡°Were you having second thoughts of coming up because he got so sick?¡±

    ¡°I did.¡± she said. ¡°His temperature was normal the next morning so I felt better about coming up.¡±

    I nodded with a smile as I sunk my fork into my salad¡ªI was really hungry but excited at the same time to be having dinner with her. All I could do was revel in the moment¡ªit all seemed so surreal.

    ¡°How are you feeling?¡± she inquired, her eyes down on her salad. ¡°Did this morning set you back at all?¡±

    ¡°I feel great, Sweetheart.¡± I assured her, while picking at my salad. ¡°Not at all.¡±

    I didn¡¯t analyze her question at all¡ªthe exact opposite of what I would¡¯ve done before I started taking Zoloft. I knew it was asked out of love.

    ¡°I was worried what happened this morning could set you back.¡±

    ¡°I think the therapy and the medication is working.¡± I explained, picking a small cherry tomato from my salad and into my mouth. ¡°I feel different but in a very good way. Unlike moments we¡¯d share when we¡¯re at home, I knew I would see you tonight so maybe it¡¯s unfair for me to say ¡°it¡¯s working¡± just yet, but I feel it is. You know, I feel more positive about things¡ªespecially about us. I know I misinterpreted things and therapy has helped me with that.¡±

    ¡°I didn¡¯t expect things to happen the way they did last night or even this morning.¡± she announced. ¡°Like I just said¡­I¡¯ve missed you very much.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯ve missed you very much too.¡± I said, withdrawing my fork from my salad to wipe my mouth and to look at her.

    ¡°But I hope it didn¡¯t give you false hope.¡±

    When I heard these words, it seemed the Zoloft had retreated from me, overwhelmed by a neurotransmitter that screamed for vengeance. I brought my fork back inside my salad bowl and tried to ignore the sting of her words as dread threatened to penetrate my heart and mind.

    ¡°Oh.¡± I replied, trying to give her an answer that wouldn¡¯t give any insight into how her question made me feel. ¡°I understand it¡¯s too soon¡ªthe medication hasn¡¯t even set in yet. I should have to prove myself to you. I guess I felt hopeful we could get back together after this morning, but it¡¯s too soon still.¡±

    Although her words cut me deep and left me disheartened, for me to be so hopeful wouldn¡¯t have been fair to her. I needed to prove myself to her that moments like we shared this morning wouldn¡¯t wreck me when she left. The true test would have to come when we return back home because I simply knew when I¡¯d see her again being in San Francisco with her. When I considered her question in that regard, then it hurt a lot less.

    ¡°Even if you were better.¡± Anya spoke, as she wiped her mouth then looked into my eyes. ¡°I couldn¡¯t get back together with you, Landyn.¡±

    Her decisive statement left me in such a state of shock, my stomach instantly felt queasy, like I had just woken up after being under anesthesia. All the positive thoughts, I thought the Zoloft aided me to have, disappeared into nothingness¡ªlike me. There was no way now I¡¯d be able to finish my dinner. I then did everything in my power to hide from her how far my heart had sunk into the pit of my stomach.

    ¡°Ok.¡±

    ¡°I want you to find someone else and fall in love again.¡± she continued, while consuming her salad at the same time. ¡°And live a happy life.¡±

    I looked around for help in a public place as I couldn¡¯t believe what I was hearing while reliving my trip up to Sacramento with Denise. What transpired before me, from this morning up until this moment, captured all the reasons why I broke down on her enough to feel I had to talk to Jackson. How she allowed and encouraged me to feel the greatest love I¡¯d ever known just to be able to take it away from me. If this wasn¡¯t a form of emotional abuse on display, in a public place that denied me to respond appropriately, I didn¡¯t know what was. The worst part being she had more to say.

    ¡°That¡¯s a really sweet thought, but I would never fall in love again.¡± I told her. ¡°This is it for me.¡±

    ¡°What are you talkin¡¯ about? Why wouldn¡¯t you just move on?¡± she retorted. ¡°Why wouldn¡¯t you move on and let me go? Go on with your life?¡±

    I felt she had just ransacked all the love I had left in me¡ªtaking all of it and leaving none for anyone else. After our morning together¡ªI couldn¡¯t believe what I was hearing. I felt she had just left me for dead and that my life was ending before my very eyes. I then realized, she asked me to come up to San Francisco so she could break me down and end us for good. The fact she did this in a public place spared her my emotions if they got out of hand. Without her kids around, she could end us without them being able to see how it affected her. I guess she just wanted to connect one more time with me before pulling the plug away from home.

    As bad as she wanted to break me to pieces, I refused to let her know how much this hurt. I expected this from Denise, but not from Anya¡ªnot from someone who loved and missed me. How could she be so unaffected by living the rest of her life without me¡ªenough to tell me these things while eating a meal nonetheless? She couldn¡¯t have been in love with me¡ªa person in love with me would never be brave to give up on me. After allowing me to feel all the hope in the world, she threatened to kill me. I now began to regret my decision to come to San Francisco¡ªturning her promise of a ¡°pinky swear¡± weekend it into anything but.

    As I tried to come up with a response that didn¡¯t give me away, our main entrees mercifully arrived.

    ¡°It looks delicious!¡± she said. ¡°Bon Appetit!¡±

    ¡°Bon Appetit!¡± I obliged, doing my best to play along.

    I couldn¡¯t believe she had just snatched away what should¡¯ve been a special moment for us. One she told me she hoped, wished and dreamt of, and turned it into the most hopeless evening even I couldn¡¯t have imagined.

    Our conversation lightened up while we ate our meals, and the rest of the dinner date went well from that point on, but I couldn¡¯t shake what she told me¡ªthat even if I were better, she would not get back together with me. I never finished my dinner but I took a bite of a piece of raspberry cheesecake together before I paid the bill and exited Kuleto¡¯s. We then decided to take a taxi together and go back to her hotel for a few minutes. We kissed while in the cab, but at that point I believed the wine had forced her into it. I then walked her up to her room with a mind that couldn¡¯t think straight. Before she went back inside her room, she told me she wanted to spend the night with me but was afraid she wouldn¡¯t be able to sleep. She then thanked me for dinner, I wished her good luck on her race tomorrow, we kissed once more, and embraced each other before she disappeared inside. When her hotel room door shut, it seemed to signify something a lot greater. I stood and stared at her hotel room door for five minutes as I hoped she might come out, to tell me she made a huge mistake, but she never did. Unable to trust or even feel anymore, I then headed back to my hotel¡ªmore lost than I¡¯ve ever been in my life. Miraculously, I kept my sadness away from her consciousness, and pretended what she said at dinner didn¡¯t affect me at all, but it broke me into pieces. A trip that should¡¯ve only carried the fondest of memories for a lifetime would only haunt me for the rest of my days. Her words at dinner really shouldn¡¯t have surprised me¡ªeven the morning was unpredictable and I shouldn¡¯t have expected anything less but her inconsistency. I just didn¡¯t think she would¡¯ve chosen that particular time to tell me what she did¡ªa time that should¡¯ve been one of the happiest of our lives.

    I¡¯ve had a lot of lonely moments in my life, a lot of lonely walks and trips, but nothing ever made me feel more alone than this¡ªthe kind of moments of a lifetime reserved for a man like me. My trip to San Francisco felt even worse than the one I made to Sacramento years earlier with Denise. But when I considered why she and Debbie didn¡¯t even stop to talk to me when I saw them at the convenience store earlier, it all made better sense. I didn¡¯t know what other proof I needed to know that I was used so she could feel love again. I¡¯m not saying she didn¡¯t love me, but her form of love was not the same as mine, nor as I was led to believe. She loved me out of guilt, but she was not in love with me, and I had to make a six-hour drive to learn something I already knew.

    Drowning in negativity, I led Anya to believe I took a taxi but decided to walk back to my hotel instead. Ghosts of us surrounded me as I walked in the coldest of nights by myself, unable to determine if I shook from the frigid windy air or the uneasiness and hopelessness that nestled inside of me¡ªthere was no recovering from this. Anya only wanted my love when it was convenient for her and she only wanted the love I was willing to give her¡ªit¡¯s shape and form having a much different meaning than the love I felt for her.

    As I continued to walk for what seemed like an eternity, Anya sent me an IM.

    ANYA: ¡°U home?¡±

    ME: ¡°Almost. I decided to walk.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Frozen?¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m home now. Nice and warm.??¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Oh good! Thank u again for dinner! I had a great time! Goodnight!¡±

    I couldn¡¯t believe she told me she had a great time. I guess I did a pretty good job of hiding how her words made me feel. I did have fun with her, but I would be lying to her if I told her I had a great time. I went into therapy and on medication to be the man she needed me to be and instead, she tells me I¡¯m not in love with you because of it. She couldn¡¯t even love me enough to see how giving me hope in the morning and taking it away in the evening was why I needed to seek help. She may have loved me, but she was no longer in love with me and there was nothing I could do but contemplate if I had a further reason to live.

    ME: ¡°You¡¯re most welcome. Thank you for the honor. Goodnight.¡±

    After I sent her this text, I didn¡¯t hear back from her. I then started to think of the song ¡°I Left My Heart in San Francisco¡± and I started to realize how lucky that guy was not to lose it. On my final night in San Francisco, a night that felt like the final one of my life, the only moment I¡¯ll remember was falling asleep on a cold hard tile floor at the foot of the door instead of the warm soft bed I paid for.

 CHAPTER 13 ~ MORE THAN EVER

    ¡°It¡¯s cold here in the city

    It always seems that way

    And I¡¯ve been thinking about you

    Almost every day.

    Thinking about the good times

    Thinking about the rain

    Thinking about how bad it feels to be alone again

    I¡¯m sorry for the way things are in China.

    I¡¯m sorry things ain¡¯t what they used to be

    More than anything else

    I¡¯m sorry for myself.

    ¡®Cause you¡¯re not here with me.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m Sorry¡± ~ John Denver

    When I woke up that morning with a sore back, I texted Anya to see how her half marathon went.

    ANYA: ¡°Good thing I had that pasta last nite! Ran well. It was cold, windy and hilly. Started at 5:30.¡±

    ME: ¡°Happy to hear you ran well! How much of it did you walk?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Couple of hills.¡±

    ME: ¡°Good job! That¡¯s great! Was it what u expected or worse?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Thank u! What I expected!¡±

    I texted with the intent to show I cared about her and that the medicine was working, regardless of the hope she took from me last night. I wanted to just put it behind me and get to my promotion to partner. If I could make it until then, her hope could change but she began to probe.

    ANYA: ¡°I had a great time last nite.¡±

    I wanted so badly to tell her I had a great time too, but unlike our situation, I was an honest man. She stole the great time it should¡¯ve been for both of us at dinner¡ªa moment we dreamt about. If anything, it showed me that this entire relationship was not about me or even us, but about her and others around her. She would accuse me of not understanding the ¡°kid¡± thing but I wouldn¡¯t have been this patient if I didn¡¯t. She started off our weekend in San Francisco like she did our relationship¡ªwith a love bomb that allowed and encouraged me to get closer and to feel hopeful, then hours later just took it away from me in the blink of an eye¡ªthe very reason why I had to seek help. If that wasn¡¯t an act of emotional abuse, I didn¡¯t know what was, but it¡¯s what she learned from her husband and it was normal. The writing had always been on the wall¡ªshe dated Lance before me and claimed he had left her. She even left a man she was engaged to for Jackson¡ªforcing him to leave the state. Then she told me about another who stalked her¡ªI could only imagine how she treated him. It was Anya¡¯s world so much she was entitled to everyone else¡¯s. Of course, I never wanted to see this side of her¡ªI was in love with her. I just wish she¡¯d prove me wrong about every single negative thought I had about her intentions with me. I don¡¯t know how she could feel so much for someone and in a matter of a few hours treat them as if they had no right to feel a thing for her. Even if I was the man she needed me to be, she basically told me you still wouldn¡¯t be the man for me. I then thought about the time she told me she would want to figure out if she wanted to be with me if she ever got divorced, after telling me she wanted to wear my ring and that she wished she belonged to me. I remembered her telling me she didn¡¯t even want to share custody of the kids with Jackson¡ªI couldn¡¯t blame her but why did you allow and encourage me to feel so deeply for you? Why did you tell me all the things you did about Jackson for nothing? I was safe, an outsider, unlike Lance who was close to all of the people she knew¡ªher circle of friends. I felt at dinner she admitted to me that she wasn¡¯t proud I sought help, but that she believed I was damaged goods¡ªflawed, imperfect and unfit to be with her. Yet the man who cheated on her several times that led her to mislead me about her life so she could feel love again, got a free pass. Zoloft may have been able to stop me from being overwhelmed by negative thoughts and self-loathing, but it couldn¡¯t stop the truth about the way she truly felt about me. That I was no better than Jackson, Lance, the man she left for Jackson and the one who stalked her. I ended up turning the night around and did have fun with her, but I couldn¡¯t tell her I had a great time. She couldn¡¯t tell someone who drove all the way up to San Francisco for a dinner date that even if he were well, that she wouldn¡¯t want to be with him. In my mind, for the first time, she had morphed into Denise.

    ME: ¡°It was nice to have dinner with you, but I wish I could say I had a great time. I felt our convo put a damper on the dinner and the subject matter should have been brought up in a private setting. I found it to be inappropriate during dinner.¡±

    The conversation that tore me into pieces had to have been planned¡ªthe reason why she asked me to come up. She purposely told me in a public place so I couldn¡¯t get upset with her. I¡¯m sure she had it arranged that if I walked out on her, something I¡¯d never do, her friends would be there for her. Whatever negative emotions came her way, she¡¯d be able to handle them with no kids around. It showed me that her love blossomed for me whenever alcohol was involved, but being sober brought clarity of purpose. There was no question she didn¡¯t expect Friday night and Saturday morning to happen, but what she told me at dinner was unexpected only by one of us¡ªme. I wished she had just gone to San Francisco, without asking me to come up, and just text me her feelings from there¡ªthat would¡¯ve not been giving someone false hope. Instead, she showed me I was crazy for seeing a therapist and getting on Zoloft. To hit me with what she did at dinner knowing I had been diagnosed as clinically depressed, threatened everything I found beautiful in her for the first time.

    ANYA: ¡°I was telling the girls how I had a wonderful time and I was able to talk to you. I¡¯m sorry you didn¡¯t have a good time. Have a nice trip back.¡±

    In essence, her text read ¡°I told the girls I had a wonderful time and I was finally able to wreck Landyn¡¯s life in person. When I thought about her and Debbie blowing me off at the convenience store before dinner, I imagined they had already discussed the game plan¡ªto take advantage of having this talk in a place where I¡¯d let his guard down and couldn¡¯t react. Then to make sure to tell me that she had a great time so I¡¯d feel even more shitty about myself if I didn¡¯t respond in kind. I had a fun time, but not a great time. Her response provided even more proof that our relationship was never about me¡ªhave a nice trip back for being crazy enough to share your feelings with me. Anya lived a life full of lies and I refused to live the same way. If she told me she didn¡¯t have a great time because of things I told her on a dinner date¡ªI would¡¯ve never told her to have a nice trip back. This is why I felt like the victim in the relationship, and why it seemed her ego would never allow her to be in love with anyone else but herself. I had to read her response several times because I couldn¡¯t believe this was the same woman who wanted to wear my ring and who even wore the necklace I bought her. The girls, her children, and Jackson, would all be proud of the things she did and said to me, so why not blame and destroy the man who she encouraged and allowed to love her?

    ME: ¡°I had a fun time. Not saying I didn¡¯t but you¡¯re leaving out some things that happened between us this weekend, aren¡¯t you? We didn¡¯t just ¡°talk¡±, u know.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°What?¡±

    ME: ¡°Did u tell them about the morning?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°What r u talking about?¡±

    ME: ¡°How we spent the morning together in my hotel room?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Why the F would I tell them? None of their business!¡±

    ME: ¡°Ok.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°You¡¯re doing it again. I let you ruin my trip this time. Shame on me. I had only amazing memories and thought maybe there might be a chance after our dinner talk.¡±

    She always reacted in a way to make me feel unworthy of my feelings, when all I did was share how I truly felt with her. Anya lived a false life for so long that she could only appreciate and respect those who had the capability to lie. I didn¡¯t live a fraudulent life while she cloaked herself and bathed in it on a daily basis. Now after what she told me last night, I was expected to leave the dinner believing there was still a chance for us? Dinner seemed to provide me with my first real evidence of her desire to control people.

    ME: ¡°You sure didn¡¯t make it seem like there was a chance after last night. Why did you hit me with that? I just felt that should¡¯ve been said to me in a private setting. Is that so wrong?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Now I know it was a mistake and I shouldn¡¯t have asked you to come up. Not working. I have to go. Goodbye.¡±

    Anya accused me of acting like a child at times¡ªthat I never listened and continually made jabs at her. To me, at least at this moment, she turned into the very child she claimed me to be. I was starting to learn she was either the greatest thing in the world or get out of her world. Unfortunately, she was my world.

    ME: ¡°Don¡¯t you feel we should have talked about our situation privately?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Who was listening? It was just us! I¡¯m not going to have you start again. No, it doesn¡¯t matter.¡±

    ME: ¡°Maybe it didn¡¯t matter to you, but it mattered to me. The waiter was always around us. I¡¯m not trying to argue with you. I¡¯m communicating my feelings to you.¡±

    She had me confused with Jackson who patted her on the back, while he cheated on her behind it. I wasn¡¯t going to kiss her ass when I knew I wasn¡¯t in the wrong for the disrespect she showed me at dinner. After what we shared the previous morning, for her to hit me with what she did, nailed me right in my core. All the hope she gave me, she snatched it from me for no good reason. We could¡¯ve experienced that morning in San Francisco and if she felt it was still too soon, I¡¯d understand¡ªI had to prove I could improve the way I handled my emotions. But to experience that morning and to tell me she would never consider getting back together even if I were better¡ªshe dropped a nuclear bomb on me. If the morning never happened, I could understand her saying that to me¡ªit would be consistent with her not wanting to be intimate but to invite intimacy with open arms and then deny me them less than eight hours later was completely unexpected¡ªeven as it showed how loving me then making me feel like a cancer to her was emotionally abusive. I never told her I was okay with being a secret and she knew what she had to do since day one¡ªbut basically told me I couldn¡¯t have possibly loved her if I didn¡¯t hold her to the rules of our relationship.

    ANYA: ¡°Sorry I ruined your evening. He couldn¡¯t care less about our convo. Who the hell cares about others anyway?¡±

    This came from the same person who worried earlier that she might see someone she knew at our dinner. I had to smile because there was no one who cared more about what others thought than Anya Caiaphas. It¡¯s the reason she couldn¡¯t make me a promise and if she truly believed this then we¡¯d be together and all of our arguments would¡¯ve never occurred.

    Anya¡¯s words did ruin my evening¡ªI hated to admit that. I opted to sleep on a hard cold tile floor rather than my bed because it wrecked me that much. I paid a hundred dollars for a dinner I hardly touched. The fact a simple dinner date with Anya was a dream made me realize how much of a loser in the relationship I had become. We had such a beautiful fun morning together the impossible happened¡ªI fell more in love with her. I think what made me more sad than anything Anya told me was the fact the love I had always believed in, that I thought I had found, was nothing more than a mirage.

    ME: ¡°I just felt considering the private nature and depth of our situation that our convo should have been held in a private setting. That¡¯s all. Maybe you didn¡¯t want that. Idk.¡±

    ME: ¡°U didn¡¯t ruin my evening, I just felt it should have been done in a private setting. That¡¯s all.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m done. I can¡¯t do anything right.¡±

    She told me she ¡°kinda hoped¡± I would come up to San Francisco with her so we could talk. The more I thought about her harsh words at dinner, the more I believed that was her plan all along¡ªto end all hope between us. If she thought it was the right thing to do, to have me drive all the way up to San Francisco just to hear what she told me, during what I perceived to be a fun dinner date regardless of our morning together, I¡¯d hate to know what she thought was right. It¡¯s what she wanted, the easy way, so she didn¡¯t have to face a thing. Just like Denise did many years prior, she left me to do her dirty work. A person who was truly in love with a person would not be happy if they fall in love with someone else. The only people who truly think that way were those who were not in love with that person.

    ME: ¡°That¡¯s what you want.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°You should¡¯ve left it alone. I almost asked you to meet me before you take off. Guess not. I just finished my race and sore. I don¡¯t need it. Bye.¡±

    I loved her deeply and went into our relationship knowing it was about her happiness more than my own, but even though she was unhappy it was never enough to make her want to leave her comfortable life. Her reputation and money seemed to carry a lot more weight than something as unrealistic as love. I¡¯m sure after she was cheated on, and learned to live with it, she found love to be a ridiculous state. She never planned on meeting a man who didn¡¯t believe it was ridiculous. I hated to even think it, but I seemed she knew we were doomed from the start¡ªturning me from hero to adversary.

    I couldn¡¯t end this argument without trying to make her see how her actions left me to feel. At this point, I had nothing to lose anyway even though my heart remained painfully devoted to hope.

    ME: ¡°You wore my thingie. My favorite blouse. You looked beautiful as ever. Less than 24 hours ago I had the most amazing time with you. Then you hit me with ¡°I don¡¯t know why you wouldn¡¯t move on.¡± and ¡°I couldn¡¯t be with you even if you were better¡±. I hope in this lifetime, you will never know how it feels hearing that from someone you are deeply in love with.¡±

    ME: ¡°I hope you will give me the real chance to talk to you in private sometime. I¡¯m happy you did well on your race.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Thx¡±

    I now had a real hard truth to face¡ªthe ultimate dilemma. To know she wouldn¡¯t want to be with me even if I was better felt like being stung by hundreds of bees after running face first into a honey drenched hive. That¡¯s exactly where she led me to when she asked me to come up to her room¡ªa honey drenched hive smelling of sweetness and hope. And I fell for it, like I always did. Trusting her with my life, only to become a mangled mess inside. Yet, here I was working restlessly to show her the Zoloft and the therapy was working, and she was only proud of me because she knew I¡¯d need the help once she leaves me. And here she was, making me feel bad for her making me feel like shit--leaving me to feel I was the one who caused these bad feelings between us. I could¡¯ve never foreseen Anya becoming Denise. If I had known that, I would¡¯ve passed up on San Francisco. She told me after I had shown her the bone on my leg that if it bothered Denise enough for her to leave me, then she wasn¡¯t in love with. After our dinner date, Anya exposed herself as the woman who could not be in love with me. What she told me at dinner was something I¡¯d have expected Denise to say, but never from the woman who scolded me for questioning her love. I didn¡¯t want to feel anything more for Anya than I already did. Now, she left me either trying to find a way to destroy all I felt for her, which would also mean the end of my life¡ªor to try to find a way to make her feel better, so I could see the light of another day. What if I misinterpreted her words and she really thought there still might be a chance for us? Was I ready to die yet, with the job promotion that could save us so close? I then sent her a series of texts to hopefully break through her pain to see if could meet her one final time before she left. If she was open to healing, then maybe I could right this ship as I headed for her hotel.

    ME: ¡°I wasn¡¯t trying to upset or hurt you. I was just hoping you¡¯d listen to me. Is it wrong for me to tell you how I truly felt? Should I lie instead? Is that what you want? Another liar in your life? I had a fun time with you. I am in love with you. Is that wrong?¡±

    ME: ¡°I really had a good time here with you. I just felt the conversation should have been private. That¡¯s all.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m in your lobby right now. I¡¯m getting ready to leave. Can I talk to you for a few minutes?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Still at the race. Not the time.¡±

    ME: ¡°Ok.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Have a good drive back.¡±

    After I got her text, I decided to head back to my room to check out and drive home¡ªshe clearly didn¡¯t want to see me. While walking by couples holding hands, I found it hard to believe just a day earlier, I had taken this same path with her hand in mine, feeling so happy and hopeful. Instead, it vanished in thin air like a cruel magic trick¡ªreplaced by a microcosm of our entire relationship. If Anya felt she was punished for loving me, I felt punished for the situation. I thought her love would see the good in us, the benefits in its removal, but all she allowed me to see where the omissions of truth about it. A lack of full disclosure that left me to fill in the blanks with a broken heart and mind.

    As I slowly packed my things, dreading the long drive home and feeling more broken than ever, I weakly caved in. Feeling the same sense of impending doom like a heart attack victim, I sent her a text.

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry. I had a great time with you. I really did. Just wasn¡¯t expecting that during dinner. I just felt that conversation was better reserved for another time and place. You told me you didn¡¯t want to talk about sad things during my visit. Even made me pinky swear to you. I didn¡¯t expect to hear what you told me. Please don¡¯t hold that against me.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Please just drop it. It wasn¡¯t the best of time for me to handle it. Please consider what I went thru this morning and receiving your texts. I thought we had fun.¡±

    She had just run a cold, windy, hilly race that left her happy but also sore. As unexpected as her words were to me at dinner, my texts to her were just as unexpected. For her to admit she could¡¯ve handled her response better was a sweet concession. Although I feared my phone would be silent on the way home, at least my negative thoughts wouldn¡¯t run away from me.

    ME: ¡°I¡¯ll consider that. I should¡¯ve not said anything. I didn¡¯t think you would be upset and thought you might have agreed because we did have a great weekend together before that. I¡¯m sorry.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Drive safely.¡±

    The ride home from San Francisco seemed like I was driving on an endless road to nowhere while the weight of the entire world crashed down upon me. I thought of other meanings behind Anya¡¯s words to me at dinner¡ªthat they came the guilt of feeling happy, and were not meant to hurt me. Since she told me she was open to being together again after dinner, this became a real possibility. If I could somehow build on the good that came out of San Francisco and if she was truly open to getting back together, then I had to keep showing her this could work out. Although I broke down, the Zoloft hadn¡¯t even taken full effect yet so it really was too soon for me to see her. I was only four days away from my promotion to partner, and the half a million dollar a year salary that came with it. I could finally tell her all about it, easing her fears about money¡ªwhat had to be a major issue with her. She could see my one-bedroom apartment but not everything I worked for behind the scenes. Being able to show her that we¡¯d be fine financially would allow her to feel less guilty about her kids¡ªthat I could provide for them too if they needed that from me. If she continued to feel guilty about being happy in life, then we didn¡¯t stand a chance. It was then that I decided to stop to take a break from the drive of eternity to text her my thoughts before I lost them.

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m just going to say a few things then I will let it go. I want you to know our time together was more than I expected and hoped for. I did have a great time with you. Just do me one favor, please. Stop feeling guilty! I cherished and loved every second with you.¡±

    ME: ¡°We¡¯re in love with each other and that¡¯s the bottom line. If we end up together it would be a dream come true, but if we don¡¯t, we enjoyed every second together with no regrets. Just stop feeling guilty, babe.¡±

    ME: ¡°Just enjoy the moments we¡¯re together. That¡¯s all I can ask of you. You shouldn¡¯t have to feel guilty about them.¡±

    I then held my breath as I awaited her response.

    ANYA: ¡°I agree w/enjoying the time together and I do! Everytime, we do spend time together I have to pay for it after. I didn¡¯t expect that. You should have dropped it.¡±

    ME: ¡°We had a great time Friday nite. Yesterday morning was perfect. Dinner was great and then you hit me with some things out of the blue b/c you felt guilty. Don¡¯t worry about me. I was just saying I felt awkward talking about that in public. I couldn¡¯t respond to you. I just thought we should have had that discussion in private. You didn¡¯t know how I felt so you didn¡¯t know. I¡¯m not trying to make you pay for anything. I told you I wouldn¡¯t.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°You told me you wouldn¡¯t and you did and at a very difficult and emotional time this morn!¡±

    ME: ¡°Ok. I didn¡¯t know.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°It should have been a ¡°feel good¡± moment for me but when I was blasted with your text, it ruined my whole day. I need your support. The girls kept asking what¡¯s wrong.¡±

    ME: ¡°Ok. You¡¯re right.¡±

    I didn¡¯t mean to steal her ¡°feel good¡± moment away from her¡ªeven when she had no problem stealing mine away the prior night. Considering my ¡°clinically depressed¡± diagnosis and all I tried to work on¡ªI needed her support too. The more I texted her to try and connect with her, the more disconnected we became. This trip made me realize I never quite got over the way Denise made me feel¡ªmy low self-esteem was still with me. It had taught me over the years, that my feelings didn¡¯t matter much to women, even ones who loved me. More than ever, I had to face a cold hard fact¡ªAnya was not in love with me. She didn¡¯t feel the same way I did and if she worried about her children¡ªthen she never wanted to fall in love but to feel alive again, if only for a short time. As long as I remained a secret and accepted the relationship would only be on her terms, then she was in love with me. Yet now, because my entire life depended on it, I had to hold on for dear life, with the hope that maybe four days from now, she would have a change of heart.

    When I got home, I desperately tried to return the ¡°feel good¡± moment I took from her.

    ME: ¡°I could¡¯ve looked at you all night from across the table.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°It was a feel good time that¡¯s for sure.¡±

    ME: ¡°There were many feel good moments.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yes.¡±

    ME: ¡°What r u up to?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m out to dinner. Thinking about last nite.¡±

    ME: ¡°Where are you having dinner?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Slanted Door at the Ferry building.¡±

    ME: ¡°I bet you look beautiful. I can¡¯t get out of my head how beautiful you looked last night. What r u having?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Wine for now. Waiting for our table.¡±

    ME: ¡°Very nice. Cabernet?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yes¡±

    ME: ¡°R u pretty sore?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yes¡±

    ME: ¡°Awww. I wish I could have stayed an extra night. I always dreamt of giving you a massage.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m still not ok w/this morning.¡±

    ME: ¡°Ok. I¡¯m sorry. Have a nice dinner.¡±

    In a desperate attempt to save San Francisco, I just ended up making things worse. Without unpacking, I threw myself upon my bed and closed my eyes wishing I hadn¡¯t told her how the conversation at dinner made me feel.

    An hour later, she texted me.

    ANYA: ¡°Thank u. I wish this morning didn¡¯t happen. I really really do. I¡¯m not dwelling. I¡¯m re-evaluating.¡±

    ME: ¡°Ok. I wish it didn¡¯t happen either.¡±

    I had no clue what she meant by ¡°reevaluating¡±¡ªwas it a good thing or a bad thing? I then decided to get on my desktop computer and journalize the thoughts I had about the trip¡ªto get them out of my head since I couldn¡¯t sleep anyway. An hour later, she reached out to me again.

    ANYA: ¡°Back at the hotel now. I can¡¯t wait to get home. It¡¯s time.¡±

    ME: ¡°I bet. You know I just got back an hour ago.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°No, I didn¡¯t know that. Why so late?¡±

    ME: ¡°I kind of kept stopping off so I could text you plus I had lunch too.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°U tired?¡±

    ME: ¡°Not really. I slept in pretty late. U must be really beat.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yes I am. The girls are out and I just got in. I am both tired and sad.¡±

    ME: ¡°I had a great time this weekend with you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°You don¡¯t have to say that. It¡¯s done it¡¯s ok.¡±

    ME: ¡°I came back home and I was bummed because what I said hurt you, but I felt really good. Not like I usually felt. I feel better.¡±

    ME: ¡°I don¡¯t want to say the wrong thing. I came a long ways to show you I was better. There were a lot of things you told me last nite that didn¡¯t bother me at all.¡±

    ME: ¡°Why not tell me you wanted to work on mending things last night instead of telling me even if I was better, we¡¯re not going to be together? Saturday morning was beautiful and then I was just really surprised when u told me what u did at dinner.¡±

    I tried not to text her the wrong thing, but texting the wrong thing was all I could do.

    ANYA: ¡°Don¡¯t. I didn¡¯t know I did anything wrong. You don¡¯t get it. You¡¯re the man. I¡¯m the woman. You know what upsets me so why keep doing it? A man has to know women change their minds in a split second. We had a nice weekend. I didn¡¯t know I was open to ¡°mending¡± until end of Sat nite. When you blasted me this morning everything came to a screeching halt and validated my feelings again.¡±

    I couldn¡¯t argue with her¡ªI really didn¡¯t know that about women. The women in my life never changed their minds¡ªnone of my exes have ever come back to me. Every girl I dated who perceived me to be not their type, never called me up with a change of heart. As much as she scolded me, she was telling me what I needed to do to keep hope alive. I just didn¡¯t know what I was hoping for or what getting back together meant.

    ME: ¡°I respect you completely. The last thing I want to do is upset you. I didn¡¯t know that about women.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I don¡¯t know what else to say.¡±

    ME: ¡°Ok. Well, it seems like your mind is made up about me.¡±

    When I never heard back from her, I couldn¡¯t help but try to restate my case through a series of late-night texts when I knew her phone was off.

    ME: ¡°Ok I was reading through your texts. I did not say ¡°I did not have a good time, I wish I could say I did.¡± I said ¡°I had a nice time but I can¡¯t say it was great.¡± How was that a ¡°blast¡± or a ¡°slam¡±?¡±

    ME: ¡°If I was to tell you ¡°even if u were better Anya, I can¡¯t get back together with you¡±. Would that make it great for you?¡±

    ME: ¡°I think you¡¯re being hugely unfair. Wow. I can¡¯t believe you would be this way.¡±

    ME: ¡°You told me just the other day that you try to understand my anger and sadness too. I don¡¯t know why you didn¡¯t here especially knowing your mind changes all the time. Don¡¯t you think that¡¯s being just a little unfair?¡±

    ME: ¡°I just said I felt that our convo was better held privately. I can¡¯t even communicate my feelings to you? When I do, that¡¯s being mean?¡±

    ME: ¡°I wasn¡¯t looking to upset you, I was just being honest. I¡¯m sorry it hurt you. I didn¡¯t drive 400 plus miles to hurt you or make you pay for anything. All I wanted to tell you was that I felt we should have talked privately. I didn¡¯t stew on it. I didn¡¯t dwell on it. I wasn¡¯t going to stop you at dinner b/c u wanted to go there.¡±

    ME: ¡°Plus you already went there so what could I do?¡±

    ME: ¡°We¡¯ve dreamt of having dinner ogether many times. You told me you didn¡¯t want to talk about things that would make us sad. I don¡¯t understand why you would tell me what you did during a very special moment for us. I don¡¯t understand why.¡±

    At this point in our relationship, there was nothing I could say that she wouldn¡¯t take the wrong way, so I waited for her responses like a judge¡¯s verdict. When the morning arrived, so did her response.

    ANYA: ¡°Will you stop already? I said sorry. It¡¯s done ok. Why must you beat a dead horse over and over? Just drop it already!¡±

    Her apology caught me by surprise and was good enough for me to drop it.

    ME: ¡°Sorry, I didn¡¯t know it was a dead horse. I hope you¡¯re not feeling too sore this morning.¡±Support creative writers by reading their stories on Royal Road, not stolen versions.

    Text messages left a lot of things open for misinterpretation and I just wanted to make sure she understood me. That was all and it seemed like she did. At this point, I had to side with her¡ªI beat things over and over because I felt an impending doom each time I faced losing her. Fear, not anger, caused me to respond the way I did.

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m ok.¡±

    ME: ¡°When r u coming home?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Noon¡±

    When I received Anya¡¯s text without a period at the end, I felt she was done talking to me. So, I decided to get ready for work even after I contemplated calling in sick.

    ANYA: ¡°I will only think about the good things that happened this weekend.¡±

    ME: ¡°Me too. There was a lot of good.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yes¡±

    ME: ¡°There actually was a lot of great for me. I really did have fun.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Saturday nite was the best for me. Despite the not so perfect ending, it¡¯s hard to stop thinking about it. Thank you for dinner.¡±

    ME: ¡°I wish we could do that every night. I¡¯ll never forget it. Dinner was fun. I really enjoyed spending time with you. Thank you for the entire weekend.¡±

    Anya handed me an olive branch and I grabbed it as tight as I could¡ªwanting to put our hurt feelings aside and move forward. I was thankful Anya would only think about the good things that happened between us¡ªand not the bad. I rarely listened to music at work, but when the song ¡°Babylon¡± by David Grey came through my headphones, it made me want to text her.

    ME: ¡°I haven¡¯t stopped thinking about you. There were a lot of good moments.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yes there were.¡±

    ME: ¡°I loved walking with you at 5:30 in the morning to my hotel.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Me too.¡±

    ME: ¡°Every little thing I ever do with you is so meaningful. I cherished every step we took together. It didn¡¯t matter how cold or what time it was¡ªI couldn¡¯t have been happier.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Sorry I disappointed u.¡±

    The Anya I knew and loved made an appearance, so the Landyn she knew and loved tried to make a cameo as well.

    ME: ¡°You know what. You were just trying to be the good person you are¡ªyou were thinking of me like u always do. I just happened to be around for it this time. I¡¯m sorry I disappointed you. I hurt your feelings. You were right. I should have been a man about it.¡±

    ME: ¡°We had such a great time together on Saturday morning. It just made me sad to hear that. I understood though. I was accepting of it. I understand how you feel. Just bad timing that¡¯s all. Doesn¡¯t discount the entire weekend for me. I loved the time I got to spend with you. I¡¯m grateful you gave that to me.¡±

    After I sent these texts to Anya on a brutal Monday morning, I didn¡¯t hear back from her until she got home that evening.

    ANYA: ¡°I loved this weekend.¡±

    ME: ¡°Me too. I loved it.¡±

    What the future held for us was a mystery. Anya tried to make San Francisco special for us, but for some reason she slipped, like I¡¯ve done many times in our relationship. How fair was it of me to hold that against her? She left for San Francisco with a sick son at home¡ªthe one with the big brown eyes that wanted his family for his birthday. ¡°You can¡¯t hold grudges when you¡¯re trying to move on¡± played over and over in my head as she tried to move forward. I would¡¯ve continued with the therapy either way, but it really discouraged me to hear what she said at dinner. In appreciation of her attempt to move forward, I chose to consider the probably source for her feelings¡ªa sick kid at home and the guilt associated with her not being there for him, but for herself. She signed up for a marathon on this weekend though, so it couldn¡¯t be solely because she wanted to spend time with me. For some reason, Anya believed that she was betraying her kids but she proved each and every day, the way she fought me, that our love was a need, not something just to feel good about. If she felt she betrayed her kids, then there was no getting around the sentiment that she was using me to feel good¡ªfor stress relief from the pressure of raising a family. The unhappiness an inequitable marriage brought with it. And if she ever felt like she betrayed Katie and Andrew, even for a second, we were doomed because I¡¯d feel betrayed. Everything about our time together in San Francisco, if I excluded what she told me at dinner, was a perfect weekend for me. What she told me at dinner, I just felt so deceived by it, and I reacted to it because it reminded me too much of my last trip up north to visit a woman. Anya was held to such a higher standard because she was the only one who could heal the scar in my heart.

    Later that evening when her phone was off, I sent her a text so she had something to read in the morning.

    ME: ¡°You know I have to say this. After all we¡¯ve been through the last 6 months. I know I have put you through a lot babe. This weekend was really a testament of our love for eachother. For you to accept me the way you did. You really do love me and I¡¯m thankful for it. I really am grateful. You¡¯re a special person and lady. You¡¯re my best friend forever no matter what happens. I miss you and I love you. Thank you for San Francisco.¡±

    As long as she believed she never betrayed her kids because our love was a real need for her, it¡¯s how I felt about her. After a crazy, rocky, hilly, windy, and emotional roller coaster, the fact we were still in love was remarkable. Considering all my imperfections she weathered, I had to forgive her for the things she said at dinner. Anya was right¡ªI hit her at an emotional time that should¡¯ve been nothing less than a ¡°feel good¡± moment for her. I just didn¡¯t realize what I took from her at the time. Fear she was no longer in love with me was my worst enemy¡ªthe greatest loss imaginable.

    ANYA: ¡°Thanks for coming up. I thought it was the most memorable b/c we finally had dinner together. The conversation, good, bad or indifferent it still was really nice for me. I miss you very much and I love you. Take care.¡±

    When she finished her text with ¡°take care¡±, I didn¡¯t know what to make of it. We¡¯re we done in her mind? Instead of asking her about it, like I probably would¡¯ve done before therapy, I sat on it, relaxed then texted her when I was on my lunch break.

    ME: ¡°This weekend was the best. Missing you very much.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Miss u too. Did the glass of wine affect you?¡±

    Anya¡¯s question was not one of criticism, but mostly came with hope and love. It sounded like she wanted to give us another chance¡ªsomething a woman in love with a man would do.

    ME: ¡°I wasn¡¯t hungover or anything. It might have.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Glad u didn¡¯t get sick.¡±

    ME: ¡°Now if we shared a bottle! Yea, I¡¯d be sick. Playing catch up today?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°In Malibu right now dropping off Katie and her friend at camp.¡±

    ME: ¡°Does she like summer camps? Malibu seems like a nice place.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I think so. Tons of teens and teen boys! Yea uh they were very happy! I told them no sex, drugs and rock and roll, well a little rock and roll. They laughed.¡±

    I¡¯m sure summer camps in Malibu were another reason why she stayed¡ªwhy she felt the kids would hate her if she ever left Jackson. As the day dragged on, I felt emotionally drained. After I learned about Katie¡¯s summer camp in Malibu, it just depressed me knowing all I was up against and having to learn it after I fell in love with Anya¡ªit just wasn¡¯t fair. Jackson set himself up nicely¡ªgiving their kids everything they wanted to keep a resentful wife by his side. For as long as I remembered, I always believed in the sanctity of marriage, wanting nothing less than to be married one day. The more I learned about Anya¡¯s marriage to Jackson, the more I began to despise marriages. If this was normal for marriages nowadays, then I knew I¡¯d never be married nor have kids one day. There was no way I could put my trust and life in another¡¯s hands if this represented marriages¡ªall for the sake of the kids. I always believed people got married because they wanted to spend the rest of their lives together¡ªbecause their love for one another was so great. I came to learn that people seem to only get married to have kids, and that¡¯s the sole reason. To me, learning this was more devastating than if Anya fell out of love with me. This relationship took on a much greater meaning for me¡ªit represented the end of a nearly forty-year dream¡ªthe last thing I held onto from my youth. If love didn¡¯t truly exist, then happiness was a myth as well. Bringing my thoughts back to my promotion, there had to be a way to keep those summer camps in Malibu going for both Katie and Andrew. Hopefully I could share this with Anya in a few days.

    As the day wore on, at about three that afternoon, I received a throwback text from Anya.

    ANYA: ¡°I love you.¡±

    After all we went through, from Las Vegas to San Francisco, I couldn¡¯t believe she¡¯d ever send me an uninitiated, out of the blue, text, and it made my entire day. With the partnership promotion just days away, this gave me the strength I needed to remain hopeful.

    ME: ¡°I love you! Can¡¯t stop thinking about this weekend.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Me too.¡±

    ME: ¡°It was fun. I was just thinking about that guyy walking down the street with his sign. How we were thinking the same thing. How can we read all that?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Awww Landyn. It was fun.¡±

    ME: ¡°It¡¯s the company I¡¯m with though.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Thank you.¡±

    ME: ¡°When I told you I miss you very much today, I meant it in a good way. Not a sad way like I¡¯ve done in the past. I just really miss you. Just wanted you to know that.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Thank you. I appreciate that. Do u think SF set u back?¡±

    ME: ¡°I don¡¯t think so. The drug really hadn¡¯t taken full effect yet when I was in SF. I was still building it up in my system. I felt better than I usually do.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°That¡¯s good.¡±

    ME: ¡°I really went there expecting just to talk. I think that threw me off a little. I loved that we didn¡¯t just talk.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I didn¡¯t expect more either. That proves that it¡¯s still very hard for us.¡±

    Was that all it proved to her? That it was just still very hard for us? Did she ever contemplate why that was so? You could lie to everyone that you wanted to in this lifetime and even get away with it, but there was one person you could never lie to, yourself. Whenever she denied her own truth, it crushed me¡ªI¡¯m not doing something right or was there just too much comfort around her for me to ever reach her? Disheartened by her text, I tried to move forward.

    ME: ¡°I¡¯ve missed you. After Saturday morning, I didn¡¯t feel like talking. When I first saw you in your room and we embraced. That was all I felt that needed to be said.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Couldn¡¯t help it. I¡¯ve missed u so much. I don¡¯t want to set u back. I didn¡¯t want to give you mixed messages and mess u up. I didn¡¯t know what I was doing myself.¡±

    It sounded an awful like the night we first met¡ªor at least the way she liked to think of it in her head. If she chose to marry a man for his popularity, or his height, or his status, or to be envied by others, or his money and to completely ignore his character and integrity¡ªto be willing to sacrifice all that to be dishonored, betrayed and disrespected--she has never known what she was doing. And to make matters even worse, she chose instead to continue to lie to all those around her, and worse yet, to lie to herself. Not only did she feel guilty about the entire relationship, the purest thing she had, she made me feel guilty for trusting she would ever leave if she fell in love with me. Not only did she refuse to recognize it, the only time she had ever known what she was doing, was when she opened the door to her hotel room in San Francisco.

    ME: ¡°We really love eachother though. It¡¯s hard to hold back what we feel.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I know¡±

    ME: ¡°I needed to know you still had those feelings for me. It was the best I felt in over 2 months. I missed you so much.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Me too. Natural high.¡±

    ME: ¡°The best high there is! ??¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yes¡±

    ME: ¡°I watched you sleep when you were over my room. I still have that image in my head. Happy feeling.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ha ha! Really? Ur funny.¡±

    ME: ¡°You look so beautiful when you sleep. I love it!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°You¡¯re silly!¡±

    ME: ¡°Oh shush you.¡±

    I knew my emotional outbursts I had over text, dampened those highs for her. The minute she felt high, I¡¯d let her down. It was never tit for tat, but I felt she did the same to me, especially in San Francisco. I went to see a therapist to see if I could change my ways¡ªthe last thing I wanted to do was hurt or upset her. Fear just got the best of me sometimes. All I could do was transport myself back to that moment in my hotel room. When she laid in my arms in perfect peace while I played with her hair¡ªjust so in love with her. I knew at that moment, I could never fall in love with someone ever again, that this Landyn Lastman her love brought out would be forever gone. Hopefully love existed for others, but I¡¯d have all the proof in the world to know that love didn¡¯t exist for me if even my soulmate would never vouch for me.

    ME: ¡°I loved all the time I got to spend with you. Very thankful for it. Thank you for wearing my favorite blouse at dinner and my thingie. It was very loving and thoughtful. I love that about you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°My pleasure.¡±

    This day was a good day for us. Something to build on the good feeling San Francisco gave to us. I believed she just felt guilty and it got the best of her at dinner. After all she went through with Jackson and after all we¡¯ve shared, she shouldn¡¯t have to feel that way¡ªshe met her soulmate. Despite the bump in the road, the weekend was great. I just had to remember the good times in San Francisco and build on it.

    At about midnight, while lying in bed trying to fall asleep, I turned on my phone to read through some of her old text messages. I saved all her good messages and would read them whenever I missed her. While scrolling down with my finger through her many texts, I accidentally called Anya. In the last two years, I had never called her nor even heard her voice mail. Knowing her phone was off, I decided to let it ring so I could hear her voice mail message. Hearing her voice gave me a sense of comfort and the next thing I knew, the sound of the alarm clock woke me up at six thirty. I noticed the red light blinking on my phone and saw she had texted me.

    ANYA: ¡°You called me last night?¡±

    ME: ¡°Sorry about that. I was trying to delete a text last night and scrolled down the full menu and accidentally selected call. I got to hear your voice though so it was nice.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°How r u?¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m good. How r u?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m good. Watched ¡°Notebook¡± yesterday. Made me cry.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m surprised you¡¯ve never seen it before. I bought the DVD when I was in Utah for work and watched it. It¡¯s a Nicholas Sparks novel. It is sad. Did you like it?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yes sad and yes liked it.¡±

    ME: ¡°It¡¯s a tear jerker for sure. I liked it too.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yup. Have a good day. Yoga class starting.¡±

    ME: ¡°You too. Have a nice workout.¡±

    Later that day, I told my therapist all about the weekend I spent with Anya in San Francisco and also about our hiccup. I tried to gauge if she passed judgment on me, but she was more focused on exploring my past than my present. I didn¡¯t want to hear her opinion on the situation itself¡ªthat¡¯s not what I paid her for. Until the day I die, this was a special circumstance and not like general extramarital relationships that were sex ruled, and confused for love. I knew what I felt, I just wasn¡¯t certain if Anya did. Thankfully my therapist never took sides, even as her client stated his case to her. It didn¡¯t mean she filed to understand my side of it, but she also wanted to gain my trust and she¡¯d minimize all I fought for by criticizing Anya. She even told me San Francisco was not a setback and was a good thing for me. She just wanted me to get better and knew I needed to focus on me. She also asked me to create an ¡°A¡± list and a ¡°B¡± list. The ¡°A¡± list would contain the one thing I wanted to do for myself and the ¡°B¡± list contained something I wanted to do that I can put off for another time. She gave me the analogy of a cup, and told me my cup is filled with Anya, and I needed to fill the cup with different things.

    ¡°If you and Anya were to get back together, you can¡¯t make her a priority unless she left.¡± She explained. ¡°Landyn has to be the priority until she leaves.¡±

    At first, I pushed back¡ªAnya was my priority simply because she was everything to me. I feared by not making her my priority that she¡¯d never leave. I could see how my therapist wanted to make me stronger by focusing on myself instead of a situation I had no control of. In my heart, I felt my promotion to partner gave me some control of my destiny with her. She had no idea how the money could change the situation¡ªI just needed to get there. My therapist gave me great advice, she refused to take my hope away from me, but tried to prepare me for the worst. Little did she know, not even a partnership promotion could save me if I lost Anya¡ªthat¡¯s how deep this was for me. It was truly the difference between life and death. If the love I believed in for nearly forty years did not exist for me, even being financially stable, then there was nothing left for me here. I would simply never recover from this.

    How could I ever pretend Anya wasn¡¯t my everything? Everything I did was for her¡ªeven my career. I couldn¡¯t get through a single work day without having the inspiration of giving her a great future¡ªhaving both money and love. Everything I filled my cup with contained Anya in some way, whether it was writing, working out, or listening to music¡ªshe was embedded in everything I did, even helping me get out of bed in the morning. The reason I came to the therapist was because I wanted to stay out of bed. My therapist was fair and helped me to see things at a different angle. As she attempted to delve into my childhood though, I steered away from it for the meantime because Anya was the real reason why I sat on her couch. When I got out of my session, Anya sent me a text.

    ANYA: ¡°You know, if you weren¡¯t so damn special it wouldn¡¯t be this hard!¡±

    ME: ¡°You¡¯re telling me this? I miss you too!!!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ha ha!¡±

    This text was one of my favorites, and it came nearly two years after we met. After my therapist session, I felt a little bit down because I hadn¡¯t heard from her all day, but when she came through, I couldn¡¯t help but say ¡°thank you¡± to a God I didn¡¯t believe existed. Maybe I was ¡°so damn special¡±? How many guys would¡¯ve done what I have for her? Remained loyal and took responsibility for my mistakes by seeking mental help? I cared about her happiness more than my own and it broke my heart each time I¡¯d have negative thoughts¡ªwishing I could be the kind of man who just didn¡¯t care about being made a fool of. When you¡¯ve played the fool so many times, it was naturally for me to be defensive. I never loved her any less, it was because I loved her more than I ever loved anything before. Of course, I wished she¡¯d understand it better but she also wanted me to understand the ¡°kid thing¡± better too¡ªit was hard for both of us to understand the side of the fence we sat on. I fought for her every single day since the day we reconnected. She never had to ask me to¡ªit was just natural for me to do so.

    ME: ¡°I love you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I love you too.¡±

    ME: ¡°We had a lot of fun this weekend.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yes we did. It was special.¡±

    ME: ¡°We have a special love.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°We do.¡±

    ME: ¡°I love it when we feel this way. This is the way it should be.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I know.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯ve had Diana Krall in my head all day. ¡°I miss you so¡±. I love how she sings that song.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Awww it¡¯s so hard, isn¡¯t it?¡±

    ME: ¡°It is. We had such a great time together.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yes we did.¡±

    After this text exchange, I didn¡¯t hear back from her for the rest of the night, but I didn¡¯t think I would. Katie was at camp, and I¡¯m sure she had a harder time getting away from Jackson without Katie around. It also worried me with Katie gone, and maybe Andrew spending a night at a friend¡¯s house, this increased the time she spent alone with Jackson. This always troubled me mentally as her night of silence filled my heart with fear,

    At ten minutes past ten p.m., at a time she usually turned her phone off, she surprised me.

    ANYA: ¡°I love it when you gently force open my legs and keep them open with your arm. It¡¯s so hot. I like it when you gently dominate.¡±

    ME: ¡°I love how you surrender to me when I touch you and take control. It¡¯s a huge turn on for me.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I can¡¯t help it. At your mercy when you touch me.¡±

    Even Denise said the same thing about me¡ªshe told me my hands went through her whenever I touched her. If Denise felt that good with me, Anya must have felt twice as much about my touch for the simple fact she loved me. I felt the same way about her touch too, that my skin was one with hers.

    ME: ¡°I¡¯ve replayed Saturday morning over and over.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Me too.¡±

    ME: ¡°Oh, and Friday night I just wanted to rip your designer jeans right off of you. You were just lying there in a way I felt you were giving yourself to me. If you could have read my mind.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ha ha! Have to go! Have a goodnight! I love you!¡±

    ME: ¡°Goodnight beautiful! I love you!¡±

    Regardless of what she told me at dinner, the weekend brought us closer. The consistency I craved from Anya made a beautiful appearance that brought me the safety I needed from her to keep me in line. After I received Anya¡¯s late night texts, and after she told me she watched ¡°The Notebook¡±, which I¡¯m sure precipitated her uninitiated ¡°I love you¡± text, I couldn¡¯t help but feel badly about what I told her. Whatever she tried to tell me at dinner held little value to her. Hopefully letting her know that she shouldn¡¯t feel guilty about needing to be loved helped her to realize how bad I felt about my reaction. If she felt guilty for needing to be loved, then we were in this for all the wrong reasons. If Jackson had been faithful, then that¡¯s another story. Without his infidelities, our relationship would seriously be breaking up a family¡ªI¡¯d be the personification of a home wrecker, but that was not the case. If she was the only cheater, not only would she be betraying her kids, but I would be too. Those are the kind of extramarital relationships that were never special and undoubtedly wrong. Anya was in a tough spot¡ªshe really needed someone to be there for her if she were to leave. She was definitely honest about that in the beginning. She was honest about being married in the beginning too. Sure my friend pushed her to tell me, but could I blame her for not wanting to considering how much we connected that night? I ended up walking away but I didn¡¯t want to as much as she didn¡¯t want me to. When we reconnected, it only confirmed I had met my soulmate five months earlier. Anya¡¯s beautiful texts only provided more evidence¡ªthat the only reason she felt like she didn¡¯t know what she was doing was because she refused to listen to herself. For over a decade she felt unloved yet did the exact opposite of what she truly wanted to do¡ªto please all those around her. To please the ones who didn¡¯t live with her anguish. The day we decided to give love a try, I vowed to be there for her when she took that rightful step, every step of the way. If she felt guilty about our love, the kind we all deserved in this life, then she betrayed me and herself.

    When I imagined her watching ¡°The Notebook¡± and afterwards texting me to tell you ¡°I love you¡±, a wet streak shot down the side of my cheek. I used to watch romantic movies and have no one in mind after watching it. To be able to tell someone ¡°I love you¡± because the movie reminded them of you, was too damn special not to fight for. I went to bed early that night because I felt so much better about where our relationship was headed. With Katie in Malibu, it allowed Anya to see what life would be like without me¡ªsomething she really needed to feel. Things weren¡¯t perfect and still a work in progress, but Anya¡¯s love for me along with a belief in us, began to rise to the surface. I truly believed our greatest challenges were behind us¡ªthat only the truest of all loves, for all the right reasons, laid on the horizon. As the sun came up the next morning to end the night, I couldn¡¯t wait to see what the day had in store for us after her texts from the previous night.

    ANYA: ¡°Sorry if I teased you last night. Just wanted you to know what I was thinking.¡±

    After I read her text, I feared an inconsistency might soon rear its hideous head. I didn¡¯t want her to feel guilt about anything because she was in love with me.

    ME: ¡°I didn¡¯t look at it as teasing me.¡±

    I began to fear this day, a Thursday, could bring me heartache. As the day trudged on, my fears grew¡ªI hadn¡¯t heard from her. Trying to fight back my negative feelings, I sent her a text during my lunch hour to ask how she was doing.

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m good. Just having lunch with a girlfriend.¡±

    ME: ¡°Enjoy your lunch, hun. I love you.¡±

    I sat and waited for Anya¡¯s return text inside my car¡ªone that never came. As I was waiting in the firm¡¯s parking lot, I watched Clyde and Kevin walking towards then getting inside a black BMW with Jackson Caiaphas. It wasn¡¯t odd to see a partner take a client out to lunch with the manager of the engagement, but they usually drove to the client¡¯s offices¡ªthe client never came to our office. Not that I wanted to be invited, but I found it strange that I wasn¡¯t invited as a partner of the firm. After watching them drive off and another twenty minutes passed without a response from Anya, I prepared to go back upstairs to begin the second part of my day. While in the elevator, the red light on my Blackberry started to blink. I breathed a sigh of relief but this text didn¡¯t come from Anya, but from a number I didn¡¯t recognize informing me of some really bad news¡ªVance¡¯s mother had passed away. It came from my childhood friend''s wife, who wanted to also let me know the funeral was the next day. I responded to the text in disbelief, offering my condolences and letting them know I would be there. Vance¡¯s mom was so full of life and energy I found it hard to fathom. Vance was the brother I never had, and the news hit me just as hard as if my own mother had passed. Since the funeral fell on a Friday, one of my vacation bank days off anyway, all I¡¯d have to do is let the firm know. When I got upstairs, I let Clyde¡¯s administrative assistant know I¡¯d be out.

    Clyde and Kevin both returned to the office an hour later, and I deeply exhaled when Jackson did not accompany them upstairs¡ªthe last thing I needed was any drama before my promotion.

    Then, two hours after I sent a text to her, Anya responded.

    ANYA: ¡°Thank u, just finished. I love you too.¡±

    I didn¡¯t understand why she responded two hours later¡ªnothing in the past ever stopped her from responding quickly back to me. Especially considering she responded back quickly when I asked her how she was. I guess I was feeling disheartened that we couldn¡¯t build off the texts she sent me the previous night, instead opting to apologize for them. When I didn¡¯t hear back from her for the rest of the day, not even Zoloft could stop my negative thoughts from seeping in. Since the kids were likely not home, it made me think she sent me those texts because she felt guilty about something¡ªlike having sex with Jackson. From there, my fear gripped me by the throat.

    Later than evening, when I knew it was too late for her phone to be on, I sent her a series of texts.

    ME: ¡°I love hearing your thoughts. I don¡¯t think it¡¯s teasing me because I know you love me. It¡¯s done out of your love for me so it makes me feel really good.¡±

    ME: ¡°One of the other memories I have in San Francisco was when we got to the elevator of my hotel and you waved at the mirror. I didn¡¯t even know it was there. It was really nice to see us together.¡±

    ME: ¡°I remember at dinner you told me your favorite Michael Jackson songs were ¡°You Are Not Alone¡± and ¡°She¡¯s Out of My Life.¡±. I told you mine was ¡°Beat it¡±, but the truth was those are mine as well. I was going to tell you too. I wish I had. I just didn¡¯t want you to think I was sad.¡±

    ME: ¡°I was so proud to be seen with you. I was with, without a doubt, the most beautiful woman in the restaurant. Well, of course you¡¯re the most beautiful woman in the world to me but I don¡¯t want to give myself away. I want there to be some mystery. Oh, that¡¯s right. I¡¯ve already told you that before. So much for being mysterious!¡±

    ME: ¡°When you were touching me Saturday morning I was thinking about you on ¡°Our Beach¡± those days. Then I¡¯d think of you in your Cabo bikini pics. I thought of you lying on your bed on Friday night smiling at me. Of course, all scenarios had me undressing you and making love to you.¡±

    ME: ¡°I just wanted you to know that whenever you touch me, I think of you. I love your touch.¡±

    ME: ¡°I hope you¡¯re sleeping well. I miss having you in my arms. I miss having your head on my chest. I miss feeling your body melting into mine. I love you. Goodnight Beautiful.¡±

    When the next morning arrived, the last day of July, the day my promotion would become official, I was more excited of finally being able to tell Anya about it, than I was about it going into effect. I couldn¡¯t have asked for a better start to the day, a Friday, when Anya sent me a series of texts in response to mine before six a.m., her most loving and most moving words yet.

    ANYA: ¡°I remember a week ago about this time, I was lying in bed unable to fall asleep because I was so excited to see you in San Francisco.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I miss you more than ever. Haven¡¯t stopped thinking about our weekend, especially dinner. You looked so cute and I loved having dinner with you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°This is a very hard time for me. I struggle b/c we¡¯re not together and I miss u so much. After your texts on Sunday, I swore to myself I couldn¡¯t talk to you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°My bad feelings after your texts just melt away when I think of our weekend. I don¡¯t know what to do. It¡¯s like I¡¯m on the fence and anything can set me off.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°This is the hardest thing I¡¯ve ever been through.¡±

    When you consider we have been dating for nearly two years, her words ¡°I miss your more than ever¡± were acutely significant. Anya and euphoria were synonymous, and her honesty and love shone through more than ever¡ªI was beyond ecstatic reading them. Not because I wanted her to have a hard time, that didn¡¯t make my heart dance inside my chest, but because her love for me was undeniable to even her. This was my chance to make this right for her and for us. Based on the events of this day, my promotion to partner becoming official, there was no better time for her feelings to hit this kind of crescendo¡ªmasterminded by the universe. My plan to save our love would be put in effect today¡ªto show her what she believed to be impossible, was more possible than she ever could have imagined or hoped for. That love always won in the end. All I could do was dream that once I told her about my promotion, a promise would soon follow it. She didn¡¯t have to leave right away, but just to have a promise she would never make just to make it, would keep us safe. I could then really do what my therapist recommended¡ªfocus on other things until she left Jackson.

    ME: ¡°I would like to build on the good feelings of SF, and I would like us to get together to have a good positive talk. I miss you more than ever too.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°What do you mean by that?¡±

    ME: ¡°I want to make this right for you. I want to mend what I¡¯ve broken.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°R u talking about getting back together?¡±

    ME: ¡°Would you be willing to listen to me and my ideas?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ideas? I don¡¯t want pressure.¡±

    ME: ¡°I know. There will be no more pressure. That would be one of my promises to you. I have something really important I want to share with you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ok, maybe we can have tea tomorrow.¡±

    I really wanted to share my promotion with her in person¡ªto let her know love was more realistic than she could¡¯ve ever imagined.

    ME: ¡°I talked to my therapist about our weekend in SF. I want to tell you about what we discussed. Tea is perfect tomorrow. My therapist is the best. I really lucked out with her. I¡¯m glad I went.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m glad you have her.¡±

    I also wanted to share my discussion with my therapist too but I couldn¡¯t wait to tell her about my promotion to partner and what it meant financially to me, and how it would benefit her too. All I needed was a promise from her¡ªthat¡¯s all. Just a promise to let me know ¡°one day¡± existed for us. Just a promise so the inconsistency wouldn¡¯t affect me so this could work out¡ªthat the last two years of our lives wasn¡¯t for nothing.

    The next morning while driving to the funeral, my phone began to ring. After I brought it up to my nose to see who it was, it caught me by surprise.

    ¡°Hi Clyde.¡± I quickly answered. ¡°How are you?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m well, Landyn. Where are you?¡±

    ¡°Today is one of my vacation bank days off. My friend¡¯s mother passed away and I¡¯m heading to her funeral.¡± I told him. ¡°Did Kim tell you? I told her yesterday I would be out.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m sorry to hear that. Where¡¯s the funeral?¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s in Palos Verdes.¡±

    ¡°Are you coming back to the office?¡±

    ¡°I didn¡¯t plan to, but if you need me, I¡¯ll certainly come in.¡±

    ¡°If you could Landyn, we¡¯d appreciate it.¡± He replied. ¡°I didn¡¯t know you were out today.¡±

    ¡°Alrighty! I¡¯ll be in no later than three this afternoon, Clyde.¡±

    ¡°Ok, talk to you then. Thanks.¡±

    ¡°Thank you.¡± I said, then putting the phone back into my cup holder.

    Although I hoped to take the entire day off, Clyde likely needed me in to discuss the transition to partner, and to sign and go over the partnership agreement documents. I was now an owner of the firm, and I should be expected to come back in and not taken the entire day off. It was a usual vacation bank day off though for everyone at the firm, so I didn¡¯t think it was something that couldn¡¯t be put off until Monday. I had to drive back out to Irvine on my way back home anyway.

    I hated funerals more than anything, but especially those funerals of people you didn¡¯t expect to die. The death of Vance¡¯s mother, a widow, was completely unexpected, and it broke my heart for Vance who now lost both of his parents before their time. We were just kids when his father passed away and I didn¡¯t know how to approach him to let him know how sorry I was. Vance¡¯s mom was a lot of fun, and to be honest, I would¡¯ve never gone on that cruise with Vance if it wasn¡¯t for his mother¡¯s love for cruises¡ªshe talked me into it one night at a party at his house. I remembered all the times I¡¯d pick Vance up at his house to go to a club after we just turned twenty-one, and how his mother would come outside and talk to me while he was ¡°getting ready for the ladies¡±. She had names for all of our friends. Mine was ¡°Chuckles¡±¡ªI used to laugh a lot around her but that was her own damn fault. The best name she gave was to one of our friends who threw up one night at her home from drinking a cocktail called a Snakebite. From that point on he was forever known as ¡°Snakebite¡±. ¡°Is Snakebite going out with you guys tonight?¡± and ¡°Watch Snakebite, he might throw up on you¡± always had me chuckling. Vance¡¯s mom was always a lot of fun, and her passing felt like I had lost a huge piece of my youth.

    After they placed his mother¡¯s coffin into her spot on the wall, below her husband, in the mausoleum, I approached Vance to tell him how sorry I was. His eyes grew wide with surprise when he saw me, he nodded and we embraced. I patted him on the chest to let him know to be strong and let him know how much I loved his mom. We hadn¡¯t talked since I cancelled joining them to the reunion. They didn¡¯t care, they wanted to know how San Francisco went and I told them it went better than expected. Vance and his wife then invited me to a reception being held at his mother¡¯s house and that Tony and even Johnny would be there as well. It bummed me out to tell him why I had to get back to the Irvine office, but he congratulated me before ribbing me about having to skip another chance at catching up. I told all my friends we¡¯d get together soon enough and they agreed. I didn¡¯t mention anything about Anya to them, but I couldn¡¯t help but believe the next time we did hang out, it would be to meet her.

    While driving back to the office, I couldn¡¯t help but reflect on how everything seemed to finally be falling into place. When driving over a bridge I¡¯ve contemplated jumping off, I couldn¡¯t believe I ever considered it. A genuine happiness just never seemed even close to being in reach¡ªit was easy to do when you felt like nothing. On this day, after a funeral no less, my mind flooded with positive thoughts. At last, a moment I worked so hard for and sacrificed so much of my time for was here. Still kind of shocked they didn¡¯t just have me come in on Monday to sign the partnership agreement¡ªespecially knowing today was a usual day off for me during this time of year, I appreciated the fact they couldn¡¯t wait to have my signature on the dotted line. More than anything, I couldn¡¯t wait to tell Anya about it in person and how much I would be making a year. That my one-bedroom apartment would soon be vacated for a place more suitable for us. I could really turn the bedroom into something special for us and have her do all the interior designing¡ªI needed her minimalist mindset. I could see us painting the house together and going shopping for items we needed. I could do nothing but smile thinking about. Thinking about how much this could change the situation between us gave me more hope than I ever had for us. Now, she could leave and have the security she needed for her kids. Forever changed by her love it was time to turn her hopes, wishes and dreams into a reality, because they were mine too. I didn¡¯t expect to tell her about my partnership promotion and she would leave right away, but at least it would inspire her more to come up with a way for us to be together knowing there was too much goodness about our love to ever hurt her kids. At the very least, I believed it would inspire a promise from her to leave one day¡ªthe thing I desperately needed.

    After parking in the office¡¯s parking lot, Anya sent me a text.

    ANYA: ¡°Kinda worried about tomorrow. Feeling anxious.¡±

    ME: ¡°It¡¯s ok. Nothing to be worried about. I promise.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ok¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m anxious too, actually.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Why¡±

    ME: ¡°Just can¡¯t wait to talk to you.¡±

    When Anya didn¡¯t complete her question with an exclamation mark, I became a little fearful but I didn¡¯t think much of it¡ªshe had no idea what I planned to share with her. My promotion to partner was the game changer. Finally, I¡¯d have something to show her that this could truly turn out better than she expected¡ªthat the impossible was more than possible. This promotion provided a way for her kids not to hate their mother¡ªI¡¯d be able to give them the things Jackson did. Not in any way to upstage him at all or to replace him, but only as a supplement to him. I didn¡¯t care for Jackson the husband, not Jackson the father. Jackson was their father, not me¡ªand they loved him, not me. My role was to take good care of their mother, and to supplement anything they needed from me. Jackson could keep his money; I wasn¡¯t into this to hijack a man¡¯s worth or the fruits of his labor. I just wanted to love and respect Anya the way she deserved to be loved and respected¡ªit would add years to her life. I wanted Katie to keep her horse ranch, and hopefully I could help add to her collection. I wanted Andrew to be able to keep investing in stocks and build on his interest in finance. I wasn¡¯t looking to take anything away from them they were accustomed to, but to add another element of help if they ever needed it. I had to make sure Anya had the same resources available to her for them, as she did with Jackson.

    With a spring in my step and a smile on my face when I got into the elevator, I excitedely pushed the button to head upstairs. Every time I stepped inside an elevator now, I flashbacked to Anya waving at the mirror in the elevator at my hotel when she saw our reflection¡ªone of the best feelings I¡¯ve ever had in my life. With each floor that passed, everything was in rhythm for success in love, and in life. Anya missed me ¡°more than ever¡± and struggled like never before. Her words ¡°more than ever¡±, after all we¡¯ve been through, were as powerful as when she told me ¡°I want to wear your ring¡±. Once she received news of my promotion, it would ease her struggles as well as my own. We could then truly start building the hopes, wishes and dreams we both shared. When I reached the tenth floor, the lucky tenth floor, I headed directly to my office to drop off my laptop before my meeting with Clyde. Before I could remove my laptop from its bag, the partner who hired me, Ken, stood at my doorway.

    ¡°I thought I heard some rumblin¡¯ goin'' on in here.¡± he said.

    ¡°I just got here.¡± I told him.

    ¡°Where were you?¡±

    ¡°A funeral in Palos Verdes¡ªone of my closest friend¡¯s mother died.¡± I told him, surprised he didn¡¯t know.

    ¡°Sorry to hear that.¡± he replied, his eyes falling to the ground then back up again.

    ¡°It was a surprise for sure.¡±

    ¡°Are you ready to talk to Clyde?¡± he asked.

    ¡°Yes, Sir!¡± I answered, a huge smile adorning my face.

    As I walked by various cubicles in the office, a route to Clyde¡¯s office I rarely took, no one took notice of me¡ªthey all looked super busy. Since we picked up CPG, everyone at the firm seemed busier¡ªhaving little time for office chats anymore. I did notice an uptick in happy hours employees attended but was usually out of town and couldn¡¯t join. While walking through what felt like a maze, I hoped they didn¡¯t do anything special for me¡ªI didn¡¯t want any recognition for the achievement. Promoting me to partner was recognition enough. I hated being the center of attention and preferred it to be a quiet affair¡ªit would be disrespectful to Kevin if it wasn¡¯t.

    A sense of great pride flowed through me creating a positive array of thoughts that only Anya¡¯s love could rival. Like when she revealed she never dreamt about love, I never had a single dream about being promoted to partner of a CPA firm. It felt good to know that I was an integral part in taking the firm from its notoriety as a small local firm to one of national recognizance. I didn¡¯t want any accolades though¡ªthe promotion to partner, the pinnacle of my career, was all I needed. I always believed love could never co-exist with a capitalistic world but I felt an even greater pride knowing I had proved my own theory wrong. Hard work, persistence, patience and perseverance all paid off in life if you believed in yourself. Life was fair if you work hard enough for your goals and dreams, but you also had to fall in love with the process and the journey before you could reap its final result.

    I took one last look around the entire office to smile before entering Clyde¡¯s office. I just wanted to witness the process and journey one last time before I reaped its result. Once I entered, Clyde rose to shake my hand, and took a seat as Ken closed the door then sat down in the chair next to me. Clyde then handed me a sealed envelope and began to speak.

    ¡°Landyn.¡± Clyde spoke.

    ¡°Yes, Sir.¡± I said grinning widely as I took the envelope from him.

    ¡°This is your final paycheck.¡± He said, his eyes never leaving mine. ¡°We¡¯d like to ask you to please remove any belongings you may have inside your office.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m sorry, Clyde.¡± I replied, my voice suddenly hoarse while I looked at Ken. ¡°I don¡¯t understand.¡±

    ¡°We¡¯re sorry to inform you that you¡¯re no longer a fit for us.¡± He continued, as a security guard entered the office. ¡°Once Mr. Lastman grabs his belongings, please escort him downstairs and out of the building.¡±

 CHAPTER 14 ~ AT A LOSS

    ¡°I might not be a savior,

    And I¡¯ll never be a king.

    I might not send you roses,

    Or buy you diamond rings.

    But if I could see inside you

    Maybe I¡¯d know just who we are.

    Cause our love is like a hunger,

    Without it we would starve.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯d Die for You¡± ~ Bon Jovi

    Unable to look at Clyde like a solar eclipse, I remained seated¡ªstunned.

    ¡°Can I ask why?¡± I responded, looking back at the security guard then back at Clyde. ¡°Is there something I did?¡±

    ¡°The economy, as you know, is really bad.¡± Clyde answered, nodding at Ken. ¡°As you¡¯re aware, we¡¯ve had to lay off quite a few people¡ªwe lost most of our mortgage banking clientele which makes up more than fifty percent of the firm¡¯s business.¡¯

    ¡°Clyde, you¡¯ve always been honest with me.¡± I said, knowing I managed no mortgage banking client engagements.

    Clyde neither nodded nor shook his head, he just glared back at me.

    ¡°Is there another reason?¡± I continued. ¡°If you don¡¯t want me here¡ªI respect that. You don¡¯t need a security guard¡ªI¡¯d leave on my own but I¡¯d like to know the truth. I didn¡¯t just lose a job, I¡¯ve lost a partnership.¡±

    ¡°We¡¯re a conservative firm, Landyn.¡± he retorted, clearing his throat before placing his elbows upon the desk and leaning forward.

    ¡°We¡¯re in a conservative based business.¡± Ken elaborated.

    ¡°I understand that¡ªit¡¯s why I love our firm. We¡¯re ethical.¡± I acknowledged, wondering where they were going with this. ¡°Did I do something in regards to my work here that violated our core values?¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re sleeping with the wife of our most valued client!¡± Clyde yelled, banging his fist on the desk.

    The toxicity of his response left me even more stunned than when he told me I no longer fit in the firm¡¯s plans.

    ¡°You¡¯re getting only one side of the story Clyde.¡± I countered, having a good idea how he learned of my personal life. ¡°With all due respect, you¡¯re making an uninformed, one-sided decision.¡±

    ¡°There is only one side we¡¯re concerned with Landyn¡ªthe client¡¯s¡± he fired back. ¡°Your personal life¡ªhow you choose to live it, is not in line with KSR¡¯s core values. We simply cannot afford to partner with someone who lacks a sense of morality or even compassion for people, especially a home wrecker. Even if you weren¡¯t involved with a client¡¯s wife, we would handle this the same way. We hold firm, from the partner to the management down to the staff, their accountability for all ethical and moral decisions they make in their lives.¡±

    ¡°I had no idea she was Mr. Caiaphas¡¯s wife until after I started seeing her.¡± I defended. ¡°By that time, I couldn¡¯t just turn my back on her.¡±

    ¡°You still could¡¯ve stopped, Landyn!¡± Clyde scolded.

    ¡°We had already fallen deeply in love when I learned.¡± I stated. ¡°You don¡¯t know the story¡ªyou don¡¯t know the kind of¡­¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t care¡ªyou should¡¯ve left Mrs. Caiaphas alone. A partner at this firm would have done the right thing and walked away.¡±

    ¡°Mr. Caiaphas isn¡¯t the man you think he is.¡± I shot back. ¡°Shouldn¡¯t our clients be held to the same moral standards we hold ourselves to? Isn¡¯t the firm putting themselves at risk with clients who exhibit the same lack of compassion and moral ineptitude I¡¯m being accused of? I didn¡¯t go out looking to date a married woman, Clyde, let alone the wife of our most valued client. I didn¡¯t come into her life¡ªshe came into mine. I¡¯m being unfairly judged here. I didn¡¯t fall in love with a married woman for fun. I truly love this woman and love doesn¡¯t just abandon people¡ªit catches them. Where¡¯s the immorality in loving someone who needs to be loved?¡±

    After I challenged the firm¡¯s own set of moral principles, Clyde decided to go all in.

    ¡°As an owner of this firm, who started it from the ground up, inside a garage, you learn you side with the client or you¡¯re no longer in business. I didn¡¯t start this firm to lose all I¡¯ve built because a partner couldn¡¯t tell the difference between right and wrong!¡± he yelled. ¡°You need to take a good look at yourself and see how you¡¯ve jeopardized what was certain to be a great career. All you had to do was make the right choice, and in the opinion of our firm and its partners, you did not. We can¡¯t put our trust in you to make the right ethical decisions going forward¡ªdecisions that could sink the entire firm¡ªour livelihoods after decades of toil. Your inability to set aside foolish desires put the future of KSR at risk. Our decision has been made.¡±

    I looked over at Ken, who nodded in affirmation with Clyde¡¯s statements. All I could do was drop my head and nod as well¡ªthere would be no changing their minds. I then stood up, reached over and extended my hand out to Clyde.

    ¡°Thank you for the opportunity.¡± I said as he begrudgingly met my gesture.

    I shook Ken¡¯s hand and then exited Clyde¡¯s office for the last time with a security guard in tow. As I ambled through the office, I felt like Bud Fox from the movie ¡°Wallstreet¡±, as if I had just committed securities fraud¡ªthe entire firm eerily silent. Not only did it appear Mr. Caiaphas threatened to pull the plug on KSR, he also took the time to make sure my co-workers were aware of my foolish desires as well. When I reached my office, I quickly packed up my laptop and my accounting manuals. I then took my CPA certificate that was framed on the wall down and tucked it under my arm.

    When I turned around, Ken stood next to the security guard.

    ¡°Did you need me wrap up a file before I left?¡± I asked, concerned this put him in a bad spot.

    ¡°Clyde gave Kevin all of your engagements.¡± He told me. ¡°They promoted him to partner last month.¡±

    ¡°A month ago?¡±

    ¡°Yes.¡±

    ¡°I see.¡±

    When the moment couldn¡¯t find a way to turn into anything worse, I learned the day I confided in Kevin, a day I was at my lowest point, he had sold me out to Mr. Caiaphas. When I recalled the Rolex watch on his wrist at the symposium, it all made sense. Kevin had an incentive to get me out¡ªto save his marriage to Sadie. He saw himself in Jackson Caiaphas¡ªa victim trying to mend a marriage in turmoil. The only problem was, Kevin was Anya and Sadie was Jackson in their respective marriages. To know a friend, I completely confided in could betray me in such a way, gave me little hope I¡¯d ever befriend someone I worked with ever again. My drive for success would never feel the same way ever again. Without drama and as a hurricane of emotions churned inside me, I exited the office for the last time.

    The meeting I looked so forward to with Anya, now took on a different shape¡ªthe promotion I relied on to bring her home would never happen. All hope was lost¡ªI should¡¯ve known better that Capitalism bred marriages, not love. I recalled how Anya admired me for my innocent qualities¡ªI was foolish enough to believe in love because I¡¯ve never been married. To learn people found Jackson Caiaphas to be the victim left me without a leg to stand on in life¡ªthat my belief in love has cost me everything. I didn¡¯t know how to tell Anya what just happened, but I knew one thing¡ªshe deserved the truth about me. I just didn¡¯t want her to feel responsible for it¡ªit was my decision to love her¡ªmy decision to try to save her. With my life now in absolute disarray, I texted the only good thing I had left in the world.

    ME: ¡°Just so you know, I was laid off today. I¡¯m ok. I¡¯m good with it.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°OMG! What happened? Was it b/c you took a lot of time off?¡±

    ME: ¡°Not at all. They gave me all that time off. It had nothing to do with my work performance. Just an economic decision they decided to make.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m so sorry! R u ok? What now? What r u going to do? Honey I¡¯m so worried! What¡¯s your plan?¡±

    ME: ¡°I have a great resume. I have great and valuable experience! I¡¯m going to explore all my options and I think I will actually make more money now.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I love your positive attitude! Proud of you for staying positive. Did you know it was going to happen?¡±

    ME: ¡°Totally blindsided! It was ok though. I¡¯ll be ok, babe. I have money saved so I should be ok. Things happen for a reason. I¡¯m just going to relax this weekend and weigh options then reach out to my network.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Were you the only one?¡±

    ME: ¡°They laid off several staff members weeks before they let me go. I don¡¯t know if they let anyone else go today¡ªI didn¡¯t ask. I didn¡¯t want to know.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I feel so bad. I¡¯m so sorry. It¡¯s tough out there.¡±

    ME: ¡°Don¡¯t feel bad. I think the Universe has something else in mind for me and now I get a fresh start somewhere else. I¡¯m looking forward to the challenge.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°That¡¯s the attitude!¡±

    ME: ¡°If I was fired, I¡¯d be negative. Just laid off.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°What¡¯s the difference?¡±

    ME: ¡°Well, if I was fired, I probably wouldn¡¯t be able to get a good reference from my former employer.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°No doubt you¡¯ll find something soon. Everything works out the way it¡¯s supposed to.¡±

    ME: ¡°Thank you. I think so too.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°You will. Don¡¯t stop till you do. You ok?¡±

    I was as far as okay with this as anyone could possibly be¡ªunable to see the ¡°everything happens for a reason¡± part of it yet¡ªor if I ever would. I didn¡¯t want her to feel responsible for it. I didn¡¯t want her to feel sad and I didn¡¯t want her to worry. I loved her and I¡¯d do it all again for her and never change a thing. That¡¯s truly the way I felt.

    ME: ¡°Yes I¡¯m fine.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m glad.¡±

    ME: ¡°You watch. This is probably a huge blessing.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I believe that!¡±

    ME: ¡°Thanks for being there for me.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Always¡±

    I needed to know her love didn¡¯t run from me, and when she texted me ¡°always¡±, it was nice to know I had someone there for me at the lowest point in my life.

    ME: ¡°I think you¡¯ll like what I have to say tomorrow, so don¡¯t be worried.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ok. What time did they tell you the news?¡±

    ME: ¡°It was about 4. I just remembered a friend of mine, his Dad has a CPA firm and is looking to hire people. I forgot about that option. I¡¯ll reach out to him. He¡¯ll probably hire me next week.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°That¡¯s great babe!¡±

    ME: ¡°I think so!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°You¡¯ll be fine! I truly believe that!¡±

    ME: ¡°I think so too. It took me by surprise but I think I¡¯m going to be much happier and in a better place when this is all said and done. I want to be with a firm who cares more about my license and the quality of work and not just the quantity of work. I think they were getting away from pursuing quality clients and choosing to increase their client base instead. They were beginning to take on some clients that could put the firm at risk.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s going to work out for you babe.¡±

    ME: ¡°Thanks sweetheart.¡±

    When I ended my textversation with Anya, it all started to sink in. How all I worked for, all the hours and the sleepless night, all the nights spent in unknown cities, and all the time spent in traffic, how all the stress and anxiety required to become a partner was all for nothing. I lost a million dollar a year potential payday simply because I believed in love¡ªthe promotion I banked on to save my relationship with Anya was gone forever. And little did Anya know; Jackson was in on it. That the husband who loved her so much, looked to destroy her happiness because I showed her what loving someone was all about. Anya¡¯s love helped me not to dwell on how Jackson and Kevin had conspired against me¡ªhow I¡¯d never feel the same way seeing a Rolex watch again. Anya was there for me when I needed her to be and I needed her now more than ever. I knew I would find work again, but it would take me a decade or longer to have another shot at a million-dollar salary, if ever again. The Zoloft had to have buffered the agony of this devastating news; unwilling to succumb to its dreariness¡ªor maybe I was in state of shock about it all and unable to process it yet. My only fear now was losing Anya, because if I lost her, I would truly lose everything. I knew yesterday¡¯s meeting, one I previously hoped to obtain at least a promise from, now took on a different approach and goal. I could no longer ask her to leave Jackson. I had to swallow my pride, continue with the therapy, and just wait for her to come home when the time was right for her to do so. I couldn¡¯t ask her to make a promise to leave without my promotion to partner on the table. Even if it took several more years, I had to fight for her love otherwise its loss equated to a death sentence.

    At about nine that evening, Anya sent me a text I didn¡¯t expect from her on a late Friday night.

    ANYA: ¡°What r u doing?¡±

    ME: ¡°Moping! Just kidding babe. I¡¯m just relaxing. What r u doing?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Getting ready for bed. Was just worried.¡±

    When she told me she was getting ready for bed, it stung to know she would be lying next to Jackson.

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m ok babe.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°R u sure you¡¯re ok?¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m really ok, babe. Please don¡¯t worry. This is a good thing. Please sleep well.¡±

    What she texted me was super sweet of her. The kindness and compassion she showed me was greatly appreciated¡ªgiving me hope for us. I then decided to stay up and work on the promises I¡¯d make to her¡ªconceding to wait until Andrew graduated high school and both him and Katie were out of the house in three to five years if I had to. I didn¡¯t want to love anyone else. I had just lost my career job over my strong belief in our love. I¡¯ve come too far and I¡¯ve endured too much to just give up¡ªI only wanted to be with her anyway so time no longer mattered. Once I got back on my feet, I could still offer her and the kids a really good life¡ªone that didn¡¯t stray from the life Jackson gave them. After losing my promotion to partner, I was no longer in any position of control or power with her. If she came sooner to me, it would be great, but if she didn¡¯t, I refused to give her any grief over it. Since I would have COBRA, I¡¯d just continue to work on myself. Without the money needed to take care of her, there was no way I could get mad at her for not making a promise to be with me. I had nothing to offer other than my love.

    At the end of the most eventful day of my life, the day decided it wasn¡¯t through with me just yet when Anya sent me a text at ten minutes past eleven that night.

    ANYA: ¡°Huge fight. Facebook.¡±

    When I read her text, it left me confused.

    ME: ¡°Huh? Is this text meant for me?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Can¡¯t meet for tea. Ugly.¡±

    ME: ¡°What happened?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°You wrote about LV and SF on Facebook.¡±

    I had been a member of Facebook for a few years¡ªit was a fairly new social media platform. I got on it just before I met Anya at the request of a friend. I did post about my trips to Las Vegas and San Francisco briefly, but didn¡¯t say I was with anyone, but only to let my friends know where I was. Most of my friends on Facebook were from high school and I wanted them to know why I couldn¡¯t make the reunion. When she revealed this to me, I knew Jackson was hell bent to destroy me and us. As the crest of the day crashed upon me, for the second time, I defended myself.

    ME: ¡°No one can see my Facebook account unless they¡¯re my friend and I gave no details in my postings. He either hacked his way into my profile or paid someone to do so.¡±

    ME: ¡°Sorry, but I didn¡¯t announce what I was doing or who I was meeting. I was just l letting my friends know where I was. That¡¯s a shame.¡±

    ME: ¡°Your own husband does not respect you, Anya.¡±

    ME: ¡°After all you do to keep that family functioning, and all you do for the kids, even carrying his own weight so he can make a living, he does not trust you nor does he respect you. He could care less about your happiness. Just wants to make you feel guilty for his infidelities and about what you¡¯re doing to the kids, and not what he has done to their mother. He¡¯s an abuser.¡±

    ME: ¡°Sorry you have to go through that, but I¡¯m not happy he¡¯s invading my privacy. That information is for my friends only.¡±

    After I sent her these texts, she never responded as she must have shut down her phone. On a day I expected nothing but everything in the world to finally fall in place for me, the day threatened to remove everything from my life. The next day should have been a good one for Anya and I, but now, everything appeared to be in jeopardy. Unable to sleep and deeply distraught by Jackson¡¯s antics, I texted Anya at four the next morning.

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m really sorry you have to go through what you¡¯re going through right now. I hope you¡¯re ok.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Not ok¡±

    ME: ¡°The last thing I thought anyone would do was hack into my Facebook account. I would¡¯ve never posted anything if I thought that your husband was that much of a stalker. That¡¯s very creepy.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°You sure you put restrictions on your FB?¡±

    I had to think about that one because I thought Facebook automatically had privacy settings¡ªthat only my friends could see what I posted, and not anyone else. Did she honestly believe for a second, I would¡¯ve ever mentioned I was in Las Vegas and San Francisco if I knew her husband was stalking me on the internet? I purposely used the word ¡°creepy¡± because I wanted to see her reaction¡ªto see if she would defend him.

    ME: ¡°I¡¯d have to look into that. I thought only my friends would be able to see what I posted on FB.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I just want to bury my head and not wake up. I just don¡¯t want to face anything anymore.¡±

    When she texted those very words to me, I felt separated from her love. How her words coincided on the same day she knew I lost my job seemed curious. After she told me just the other day that she loved me more than ever, now she suddenly didn¡¯t want to face anything? For the first time, it seemed to confirm that as long as our love was a secret, then she was in love more than ever. How could she ever have been open to mending if she didn¡¯t want to face anything anymore? That she didn¡¯t want to basically face the truth? That it was more comfortable to continue living a lie? How could she let Jackson win so easily?

    This was the kind of things that would break me down emotionally¡ªwords I should¡¯ve heard the first month we met and not twenty months later. These were the words that should¡¯ve been told to Jackson¡ªnot to the man who loved her. All it took was Jackson getting into my Facebook account to no longer believe in our love? She owed me more, she owed herself more and she owed us more than allowing him to win.

    ME: ¡°R u home? I bet you didn¡¯t get much sleep.¡±

    ANYA ¡°No sleep¡±

    ME: ¡°I understand how you feel. You¡¯ve been feeling this way for a long time. I just think your life is going to be a living hell with him now. This is really something to pay attention to. He went digging for this. There¡¯s no more trust.¡±

    The more I texted her it seemed the more she believed Jackson had every right to stalk me on the internet¡ªopting to punish me instead. Instead of seeing the mistrust in her marriage that has existed ever since he cheated on her, she instead blamed me for its existence in her marriage. Her sudden lack of wanting to face anything anymore left me with little faith she ever planned to face anything over the last twenty months. That falling in love was supposed to be fun and exciting, but not a lifelong commitment. Losing my sanity by the second, I texted her one last time then retreated.

    ME: ¡°I just don¡¯t trust him¡ªI think he¡¯s up to something. This was something he went out of his way looking for. I¡¯m here in every way if you need me. I¡¯m in this with you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Thx I need to go to sleep.¡±

    I had to give her the benefit of the doubt¡ªshe was under tremendous stress and fatigue and I knew firsthand how that was the soil for negative thoughts. I wanted her to get some rest first and then see how she felt afterwards. Twenty months went by with its hiccups along the way, but her mind could change in an instant. I held tightly to the belief Anya taught me¡ªthat women changed their minds all the time and a man needed to know this.

    I tried to sleep, finding it hard to believe a week ago we were holding each other falling asleep together¡ªmore ready than ever to face the world together. Now, it seemed the world began to spin backwards, leaving us lost in orbit and not knowing when or where we would end up. Jackson and I were on a true collision course, destined for a major confrontation, and I could no longer tell if it would be a civilized or an uncivilized meeting. Something seemed super out of place with Anya¡ªsomething I was unaware of. Less than twenty-four hours earlier, she told me that she loved me more than ever, but now she didn¡¯t want to face anything? I understood women changed their minds frequently about things they wanted to do, but the same applied after a two-year relationship? Did she ever consider that changing her mind after allowing and encouraging someone to fall deeply in love with her could be emotionally abusive? I wanted to trust and believe in her love for me, but that trust and belief were now in question. Why couldn¡¯t she see how I could draw up false conclusions about her when she felt she had the innate right to change her mind anytime she pleased? Even after someone went all in for her¡ªeven losing a career job in the process? It was her sudden unwillingness to face anything, after I went all in for her, that made me create wild scenarios in my head. Her continued inconsistencies threatened to destroy everything we ever shared. I was beginning to see the wrong person was seeing a therapist and on Zoloft. I was more than ready to face anything for her¡ªeven losing a career job because I trusted in her love and her sadness. Could she ever truly understand at all how I felt? Why was she giving in to him after all we¡¯ve shared? I didn¡¯t want to share any of these negative thoughts of mine¡ªI may have been overreacting and not being fair. She texted me with little to no sleep and I had to keep my emotions in check now more than ever. I refused to slip up and let Jackson win.

    I texted her a few hours later to see how she was doing.

    ME: ¡°R u home?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yes¡±

    Her lack of a period at the end of her sentence told me that she was likely really tired and sad.

    ME: ¡°U should go to sleep. U need to rest.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m trying¡±

    ME: ¡°Don¡¯t think about it, babe. Just close your eyes and imagine you¡¯re lying on a beach. All you can hear are the sounds of the waves hitting the shore and rolling back out.¡±

    ME: ¡°I haven¡¯t slept much either. I¡¯m going to rest too.¡±

    As the morning turned into the afternoon and the afternoon turned into the evening, I hadn¡¯t heard back from her. Although I felt listless as the reality of unemployment hit me, I was more worried about Anya. When I recalled Anya telling me that he would ¡°come after me¡±, I knew Jackson and I were officially at war. I knew my fight for Anya to see the good in us had also now officially begun when Jackson forced my hand by stalking me on Facebook. But being considerate towards Anya¡¯s emotions was key to keeping intact all we built on in San Francisco. Knowing Jackson actually read what I posted on Facebook, I updated my status to read ¡°Worried about his best friend tonight. She deserves better.¡± Anya did deserve better than a husband who cared more about his happiness than her own. People would argue that he stalked me on Facebook because of the kids, but I believed he did this for himself. Because if he truly loved his wife, he would know that her happiness was important to her kids as well. Since he kept them in the dark, he was the hero in this scenario, and I, the villain. They would cry ¡°why is this guy hurting my dad?¡± and no matter if they knew the truth about me, I¡¯d still be the monster in their eyes¡ªthe most absolute gut wrenching and helpless feeling any person in my position could feel.

    I knew if he ever called me, Anya told me she would leave him¡ªI could only hope to bait him into doing so. But him knowing what the real reason why I existed in her life was, he didn¡¯t want to face anything as much as Anya didn¡¯t at this moment. Afraid I wouldn¡¯t hear from her, I texted to see how she was doing.

    ME: ¡°Sick to my stomach over this. Worried sick about you. I hope you got some sleep.¡±

    ME: ¡°I was really looking forward to our meeting today. I¡¯m so sorry you¡¯re going through this. I would¡¯ve never said a word about where I was if I had known he¡¯d get into my FB. I hope you know that. I feel awful about this.¡±

    ME: ¡°Busting into someone¡¯s private information or hiring someone to do so is just not the act of a sane or normal person. If he wants to talk to me, pick up a phone¡ªI¡¯m right here. Say whatever you want to me. Be a man about it.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry. I really am. I just wouldn¡¯t have thought he¡¯d stoop that low. I mean, he¡¯s 13 years older than I am. He¡¯s a 51-year-old man for crying out loud.¡±

    ME: ¡°Just know I¡¯m thinking of you and I¡¯m here for you in every and any way.¡±

    Anya seemed to hold me responsible for this, and I understood how she could¡¯ve felt that way, but he already knew who I was. He had to have known she was in love with me if he¡¯s known for ¡°awhile¡±. You¡¯re going to fight for someone who is in love with someone else? I guess he believed if he took my ability to provide for her away, then she would run away and not want to face anything anymore. It was time for her to take a real good look at who she married and why she remained with him¡ªher life would now be a living hell. Him getting into my Facebook account should¡¯ve never determined she didn¡¯t want to face anything anymore¡ªthat should¡¯ve come twenty months ago. An argument for the day she met Lance, the man before me, should¡¯ve sparked the sentiment she wasn¡¯t willing to face anything. To read that from her twenty months later, especially after what she left me to believe the prior day, was soul shattering.

    I wouldn¡¯t put it past Jackson to install a chip in her phone¡ªif he hadn¡¯t already. Maybe that¡¯s what made Anya sad, that she would lose contact with me. Jackson was a sociopath who viewed his wife as property. After over fifteen years of marriage, I¡¯m sure she had that ingrained in her head¡ªthat she belonged to him. Twenty months though, allowed me to believed that couldn¡¯t be true. Their marriage at this point seemed to resemble a form of legal prostitution if she truly didn¡¯t love him and wanted to be with me. Based on what he did during their marriage, his infidelities, his emotional and even financial abuse towards her, lead her to approach me at Sonoma¡¯s almost two years ago. Whether she planned it or not, I existed in her life because of his abuse. Did she think it would ever get better now? Did she want this same kind of marriage for her kids¡ªan abusive marriage full of distrust? What was she really fighting for? Our love happened for a reason and Jackson pursued the truth for a reason¡ªlet the reason find the truth and take its course. Ten minutes after I sent my texts, she responded.

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m ok. It¡¯s not your fault. Sorry about your FB.¡±

    When I read her text, I exhaled so heavily I almost fell asleep¡ªgrateful she didn¡¯t hold me at fault. Did she know how hard it was for me to not tell the world about how much I loved her? Did she know how much I respected her? Even when she tore my heart into pieces with her inconsistency, I never thought once of telling her friends the truth about Jackson and why we were together. Loving her so much, it was really hard to keep that from her friends. It upset me that they thought she would just cheat on her husband without a single ounce of compassion for him or her kids. It¡¯s easy to be critical though. They would argue then she should divorce him and then date me, but the reality was she needed someone to be there for her before doing such a thing. For a man of Jackson¡¯s caliber to stalk me in the shadows left me in complete and utter shock. Why did he wait for over a year to do this if he truly cared for his wife? The minute I found out I¡¯d be trying to stop it¡ªif I loved her. His quest for power was always more important than his quest for Anya¡¯s love and that¡¯s why I existed. He never knew a man would ever threaten to take what he owned, let alone a man of my status, but the danger was finally real to him. His wife may have been next to him in bed, but he had to have somehow seen his wife¡¯s heart belonged to me¡ªthe part that mattered the most.

    ME: ¡°Thanks for letting me know you¡¯re ok. I was really worried.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I know you were. It¡¯s not easy.¡±

    ME: ¡°I know, Babe,¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m sorry I put you through this too.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m fine. Just worried about you. Don¡¯t worry about me. I¡¯d face anything for you. I know what you¡¯re going through.¡±

    Jackson threw the gauntlet down with his money and politics reminding me why I despised everything he stood for. He coerced a friend of mine to betray me with his money and connections. He then whined to my boss to turn him and my colleagues against me. Now, he hacked into my Facebook account and it wouldn¡¯t have surprised me if he tried to turn my own friends, I¡¯ve known for years, against me as well. His last act of vengeance was simply now to turn his wife against me¡ªto scare her into submission knowing if I blinked, she¡¯d leave me forever. I wouldn¡¯t even put it past him to even reach out to my parents, trying to turn them both against me too. Like he has done for decades, he planned to fool everyone¡ªthe same way he fooled his own kids and Anya¡¯s family about his perfection. Throw money at people if he had to, just give them something so they will get in line like the sheep he knew they all were. I had learned too much to become part of the herd and needed to be eliminated. If I continued to defend myself, and I was successful, no doubt a hitman would follow¡ªhe was that far gone.

    If this was proper in our society¡ªto believe what came from the mouths of people who had an incentive to lie because they had to hold on to money and the people that helped that grow¡ªthen cast me out of our society. I wanted no part of its falsehoods just to protect the reputation of inherently bad people. That went for all those who surrounded him or met his acquaintance and who believed he was the salt of the earth. There was a reason his wife couldn¡¯t help falling in love with me¡ªhe was quicksand. Being unable to help from falling in love with a simpler man and being unable able to quit him, spoke volumes about Jackson Caiaphas. Anya knew what he truly represented and she wouldn¡¯t have sacrificed the pain of her kids for any other reason. If he planned to ruin my reputation based on lies, only to protect the lie that he was, he would be in for a rude awakening¡ªhe was open season now.

    The next morning, I didn¡¯t have to text Anya as she sent me one early.

    ANYA: ¡°How r u?¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry, I just woke up. I¡¯m ok. How r u babe?¡±This text was taken from Royal Road. Help the author by reading the original version there.

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m ok. Was up late taking care of my nephew w/a stomach ache. Was going to take him to Disney but afraid to wake him.¡±

    It then dawned on me the significance of Anya¡¯s information about her nephew¡ªhe was likely at the house when Jackson blew up about Facebook. I then thought even further of the significance of her nephew staying with them¡ªboth Katie and Andrew were at summer camps and Jackson still didn¡¯t have the privacy he hoped for. When I realized her nephew was probably with her when he exploded at her, I felt absolutely terrible about it and a lot more understanding.

    ME: ¡°I bet if you mention Disneyland he wakes up! Haha! How old is he?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ha ha! You¡¯re probably right! He¡¯s 7.¡±

    ME: ¡°Is it the same nephew that stayed with you last year and Andrew thought he was too immature?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yes! When Andrew rolled his eyes, I had to remind him he was 7 once and gave me a lot of grief!¡±

    I thought about the relationship she had with Andrew and I could do nothing but smile¡ªI loved how close she was to her son. I didn¡¯t find fault in Anya being friends to her kids, I just selfishly rooted for her to parent because it could bring us together. She was a great mom, and she reminded me of my mom in a lot of ways so it hurt to be judgmental. It got really tough to know so much about her kids but seemingly ambivalent to me ever having the chance to meet them. It tore me apart whenever I thought about it.

    ANYA: ¡°So how do you like your Blackberry? Does it have a camera?¡±

    ME: ¡°It probably does but I¡¯ve never used it.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I just sent you a pic via BB Messenger. Did u get it?¡±

    When I viewed the image, it revealed a little white dog sitting up on a chair.

    ME: ¡°Who is that?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Was it clear? That¡¯s Suki!¡±

    ME: ¡°I was going to ask if that was Suki! Very clear!¡±

    Maybe that would mean nothing to most other people, but when she sent me a picture of Suki, she opened up a big part of her world to me¡ªa victory at this point in time.

    ME: ¡°I think Suki wants to be on your lap!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°She¡¯s just fine where she is!¡±

    Grateful that Anya felt better enough to text me, I decided to get out of my bed and force myself to do something productive. With so much on my mind, it was hard to leave the house. I hadn¡¯t even told my parents I lost my job yet, afraid to worry them. After pulling out of my garage, my wheels were pointed to Harbor City to go visit them, but changed my mind and decided to drive along the coast to Laguna Beach instead¡ªI didn¡¯t want to bum them out. When I found myself in Corona Del Mar, Anya texted me.

    ANYA: ¡°R u driving?¡±

    ME: ¡°Yes.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Near your moms?¡±

    ME: ¡°No, I¡¯m in Corona Del Mar now.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°What? I don¡¯t get it. You just left your mom in Harbor City but you¡¯re close to Corona Del Mar? How does that happen?¡±

    I didn¡¯t want her to worry about me, she had too much on her plate, but I was severely depressed and couldn¡¯t get out of bed--I wanted her to think I was in Harbor City visiting my mother instead. I initally planned to visit my mom, but decided to feel close to Anya instead by driving along the coast to the hotel we stayed at in Laguna Beach. Since I was driving at the time she sent her text, I found a spot to pull over before I could respond while she continued to text me.

    ANYA: ¡°Wanted to see if you could meet for a bit but you¡¯re far away. Nevermind.¡±

    ME: ¡°Sweetheart, I can meet up with you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s ok.¡±

    ME: ¡°I would love to see you for a bit.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°No really, it¡¯s last minute. It¡¯s ok.¡±

    ME: ¡°It doesn¡¯t matter if it¡¯s last minute to me.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Where were you going?¡±

    ME: ¡°Not sure. Was just driving around and I ended up in Corona Del Mar.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s ok. You¡¯re in Corona Del Mar.¡±

    ME: ¡°Not anymore, I¡¯m now in Costa Mesa.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Can u meet me at the Good Morning Cafe in 30 min? I¡¯m just getting home and I have to jump in the shower. I don¡¯t have much time.¡±

    ME: ¡°Yes! I¡¯ll see you in 30.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ok thx.¡±

    Coming clean, I did lie to her this time about my whereabouts¡ªif I revealed my car was still in Corona Del Mar, I¡¯d never get a chance to see her¡ªCosta Mesa was closer. Being a Sunday, the traffic would be on my side to our usual tea spot hangout. I needed a ¡°feel good¡± moment of my own so I drove to Laguna Beach to get away from all that happened in a span of just two days. On my way to our meeting, the Sunday traffic worked against me. When she texted, it marked the first time she beat me to our spot.

    ANYA: ¡°Here want anything?¡±

    ME: ¡°No thank u! Almost there!¡±

    When I arrived five minutes late, and saw her waiting in her car, my mind went blank. I was just so happy to see her I forgot all I wanted to tell her. As badly as I just wanted to hold and kiss her, I knew that wouldn¡¯t happen. I promised to propose a plan to her¡ªto see if our love could make it past the greatest test it ever faced. When she jumped from her car and into mine, anything could happen on the way to Cascade Park¡ªJackson could show up at any time, unannounced. Anya took a great risk to meet with me, on a night they usually had their family dinners, but more than anything, it showed how much I meant to her and how much she missed me. She was now in the face of it all, in the eye of the storm, and she chose to run to me for comfort and safety. I owed it to her to try and find a way she could have the love she deserved. A love all of us deserved. A love built on trust and mutual respect. All things she no longer had, if she ever truly did, with Jackson.

    As she sat in the passenger seat, she turned her body towards me, a loving gesture that almost made me cry. As I looked into those soft dark eyes I adored, she looked back into mine and peacefully smiled. The look on her face told me we were home, away from the chaos that suddenly engulfed our hopes, wishes and dreams. It was a Romeo and Juliet moment¡ªone that suggested an eternal way to be together, but also one I¡¯d never allow. As her hand moved within and grasped mine, it made it hard to believe she could physically and emotionally be with someone else. I¡¯ve had some major crushes in my days. When I was a young and starry eyed, I wrote a letter to Jenny Garth and Tiffany Amber Thiessen to let them know how much I admired them because I thought I had a chance with any girl if they got to know me. When they never responded to that crazy guy¡¯s letter¡ªthe hopeless romantic in me died each time. Anya gave me those same feelings, the only difference being that if I knew her at that time, she would¡¯ve been the only one to receive a letter from me. Anya did the impossible¡ªshe resuscitated the hopeless romantic in me. What I was about to do on this day, was the ultimate act of hopelessness. I just didn¡¯t know it at the time.

    ¡°I know this is a hard time for you. For both of us.¡± I said, hoarsely and never more nervous in my life. ¡°I¡¯ve let my emotions overtake me at times and I want to be more sensitive to that.¡±

    ¡°Thank you.¡± she whispered, her sincere eyes never leaving mine.

    ¡°It seems we¡¯re up against all odds here¡ªlosing my job wasn¡¯t something I expected.¡± I continued. ¡°They put me on the partner track, fully intentioned to make me one. To say losing that opportunity didn¡¯t hit me hard would be a lie, but I believe in myself and I can find something else soon¡ªgetting myself back on the partner track.¡±

    ¡°I believe you will.¡±

    ¡°I know you do¡ªthank you for believing in me. It¡¯s beautiful to have that and I feel I can accomplish anything with your love in my life.¡± I stated. ¡°But I also understand how much you¡¯re hurting. I miss you more than ever too and I want to build on the good feelings we had in San Fran. I think it¡¯s possible more than ever, and I have some ideas I¡¯d like to run past you, if you¡¯re willing to listen.¡±

    ¡°Ok. What are you suggesting though, babe?¡±

    ¡°These are my promises to you.¡± I announced. ¡°Promise number one¡ªno more pressure. Promise number two¡ªpinky swear days¡­every day.¡±

    ¡°Ok.¡± She replied, wide eyed with interest.

    ¡°The third promise is a promise to me¡ªyou cannot feel guilty anymore when it comes to me. The fourth promise is a request¡ªto see you as much as humanly possible. Promise number five¡ªI¡¯ll leave my options open so you don¡¯t feel as guilty and also promise to focus more on myself¡ªso I don¡¯t give you a hard time when you can¡¯t text me. That doesn¡¯t mean you¡¯re not my number one still, it just means it¡¯s a promise not to pressure you. And in exchange for those promises we are together again, but if I break any promises, then I promise to let you go.¡±

    ¡°Do you have a time frame?¡±

    ¡°I was thinking between four to six years¡ªwhen it¡¯s likely Andrew and Katie will be out of the house.¡±

    She looked at me in absolute disbelief of my proposed time frame. I knew what she couldn¡¯t believe, but without her, my life would be over¡ªif I couldn¡¯t have her, I didn¡¯t want anyone else so why not give her the time she needs? After all the love we shared, there could never be a replacement. Like I¡¯ve maintained all along, I felt married to her, and I¡¯d be forever a widower, and never a divorcee if things didn¡¯t work out between us. I loved her that much and after losing being a CPA firm partner, I would need between four to six years to reestablish myself with another firm. It wouldn¡¯t have been fair to her to ask her for a promise now¡ªI couldn¡¯t be the man she needed me to be to save her from the ire of her children if she left. If Jackson believed his tactics would destroy all I felt for Anya, he made a grave miscalculation. I wouldn¡¯t run from her like Lance¡ªI did not fear his power over me like all those who bowed down to him in the past. If he came after me, he would have to deal with me¡ªI¡¯d be willing to even die. The way I looked at it was this¡ªif I couldn¡¯t fight for Anya¡¯s love, what else on this earth could I ever fight for?

    Anya¡¯s eyes started to moisten after she heard my suggestions. I felt with the therapy and Zoloft, only more great memories awaited us. I hoped to never argue with her ever again over our circumstances. She needed me to fight for her, by making a firm commitment to her, so she could trust in love again.

    She then spoke a little choked up when she did.

    ¡°If it hurts my children, Landyn. Even if they are out of the house four to six years from now, then it won¡¯t matter. I wouldn¡¯t leave.¡± She told me. ¡°Then I took four to six more years of your life away.¡±

    When she hit me with this possibility, it rocked me to the core. How could she share so much of herself with me if she believed for a day being loved would hurt them? Maybe it would hurt them if I never was successful enough to help give them the lives they deserved? In that sense, the kids would be hurt and I wouldn¡¯t allow Anya to leave. I guess the fact that every divorce did affect all kids on some level was painful to hear because she allowed and encouraged me to feel so much for her. I couldn¡¯t deny what she told me threw a monkey wrench into my entire plan, but at this point it was a matter of life or death for me. She gave me a ton of feelings for her I couldn¡¯t change even if I wanted to. Sure, wounds heal over time but I¡¯d be out of love for at least a decade if not forever if this didn¡¯t work out. If this love was anything less than a soulmate kind of love, I¡¯d be gone before she could ever ask me to leave, but to lose my livelihood and the love of my life? There was no way I could find the strength again mentally for years to come. Although I now found myself giving up even more terms of the relationship to someone who already had our relationship entirely on her terms, without her in my life, I didn¡¯t believe I could go on¡ªI just couldn¡¯t tell her this.

    ¡°I understand.¡± I said. ¡°That would be on me then.¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s not because I wouldn¡¯t want to be with you.¡± She replied, thoughtfully and considerately.

    I nodded, wiping a tear from my face then smiling through it.

    She had to get back so I drove her back to her car. After she got inside her car and waved goodbye to me, her smile pierced my heart knowing I couldn¡¯t afford to lose that. It seemed what I offered lifted her spirits though, and honestly, I was just really thrilled to see her regardless of how well she received my proposal.

    Later that evening, Anya sent me a text.

    ANYA: ¡°U ok right?¡±

    ME: ¡°Haha! R u kidding? I¡¯m good! I got to see u!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Thanks for meeting me. I¡¯m going to think about what you said.¡±

    ME: ¡°I appreciate that. Give me a test run. I think we have something special enough to see. I just want good feelings. The feelings we shared in SF. I really believe we have more really good moments to share with eachother. In fact, I think they could be the best we¡¯ve ever had.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I have to think about it.¡±

    ME: ¡°Ok. Was what I told you earlier what you were expecting?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I didn¡¯t know what to expect.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m such a wild card sometimes.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ha ha! Uh yes, you can be!¡±

    ME: ¡°I plan on cleaning that up.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Pinky swear, but I haven¡¯t thought about it yet. Remember?¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s ok. You looked really cute today! Have a good night!¡±

    ME: ¡°Hey stop teasing me!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m not trying to!¡±

    ME: ¡°I know. Hey. You love me.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I do.¡±

    ME: ¡°I know you do. I miss you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I miss you too.¡±

    ME: ¡°Either way babe, I will always love you. That¡¯s the dilemma I¡¯m in. I just feel if there¡¯s hope for us, let¡¯s give our love a chance. Have a good night.¡±

    If she didn¡¯t want to try again, I figured I¡¯d remember she changed her mind all the time and that it¡¯s not because she doesn¡¯t love me¡ªshe doesn¡¯t want to hurt her kids. I believed with every fight they hear and see, they would want them to be broken up so maybe, there¡¯s a greater chance than even she believed there was.

    At twenty-four minutes past six on the morning of August 3<sup>rd</sup>, 2009, Anya informed of her feelings about my revised plan full of concessions.

    ANYA: ¡°I thought about what you said and I appreciate it. I¡¯m glad you feel better and that you¡¯re working on you. The last 6 months have been tough on me more than you know. It doesn¡¯t mean I¡¯ve fallen out of love. It¡¯s been tough. I love you more than ever. You mentioned 4-6 years and that scared me. You said if it doesn¡¯t work out then it doesn¡¯t work out. I don¡¯t want to take 4-6 years out of your life when you could be building it with someone else. Of course, I¡¯d be sad but I truly want you to be happy. By staying around to ¡°see what happens¡± doesn¡¯t make you happy does it? Idk about getting ¡°back together¡± but I¡¯m willing to take one day at a time. I don¡¯t want to say we¡¯re back together b/c then there r expectations and pressure. I hope you understand.¡±

    I liked what Anya had to say, and if a woman always changed her mind, if she truly loved me more than ever, then she could also change her mind about this. What Anya didn¡¯t understand, and what I could never explain to her, was that by allowing and encouraging me to feel all I did for her, enough to a point I didn¡¯t want to meet anyone else, in fact I couldn¡¯t meet anyone else because of all I felt for her, she had already taken those four to six years from me. Because women always changed their minds, and as a man I had to know this, I believed these were positive words from her. I sent her a series of texts in response.

    ME: ¡°So you¡¯re saying there¡¯s a chance? JK! I like that.¡±

    ME: ¡°I tried yesterday to set expectations to where if it didn¡¯t work out then it¡¯s understandable. If there is pressure then it just wouldn¡¯t work out.¡±

    ME: ¡°I wasn¡¯t planning on staying home and waiting for you. Not that I wouldn¡¯t be faithful and true to you, but I would at least put myself out there in case things didn¡¯t work out between us.¡±

    ME: ¡°You make me happy. When we are at peace and indifferent. It¡¯s perfect. I love it the way it is between us right now and I think it¡¯s worth seeing what happens.¡±

    ME: ¡°I love you more than ever too.¡±

    ME: ¡°I think the problem with me is that I was insecure. I focused on you instead of me. I pressured you because there were expectations. I think the expectations were fair for me to have considering all we¡¯ve shared and I know the pressure was unwanted even when you told me you felt like running several times.¡±

    ME: ¡°I feel more secure now. I know I have to focus on me and I have. I laid out the facts based on what we know now therefore there are no expectations as far as not expecting you to so anything and there just can¡¯t be any pressure and I know that.¡±

    ME: ¡°It¡¯s just different but my feelings and love for you are stronger than ever. One day at a time sounds good. I like that.¡±

    On the first day of my new life without a job, and my first Monday to myself in a long time, I waited for Anya¡¯s response.

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m glad to hear that you understand. Thank you.¡±

    ME: ¡°Of course I do.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°You do now. I appreciate that.¡±

    ME: ¡°I think we¡¯ve learned through all the turmoil how to communicate better.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I think so.¡±

    ME: ¡°Such a weird feeling having to wake up without having to be anywhere. No stress. A new life. Scary but exciting. Destined for something greater I think!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ahhh! I¡¯m very excited for you! So, do you have a time frame? How much time r u going to take off before you start looking? Not 7 months, right?¡±

    I had forgotten I told her a friend had taken seven months off before finding his next job. After eight years in public accounting, no doubt some time off was needed, but not seven months. When Anya responded ¡°not seven months¡±, it gave me hope she wanted to divorce Jackson as soon as possible¡ªespecially if he continued stalking me through Facebook account.

    ME: ¡°Although I could use some time off, I¡¯m starting at the very latest tonight. I¡¯m not looking to take a vacation, babe. I asked some colleagues to come over so we could brainstorm business ideas. With my accounting and auditing background, I¡¯m considering starting my own practice.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Only one day? Awww I¡¯d say take advantage and take two days! When r u having people over?¡±

    ME: ¡°No rest for the weary! It takes time to interview and everything so I can¡¯t afford to get laxed. I¡¯d probably have a week or two in between before I can accept an offer and to start a job. I think I¡¯m having people over on Friday night.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Very well!¡±

    ME: ¡°Did I tell you my friend took 7 months off?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yes¡±

    ME: ¡°You always remember the things I tell you. I don¡¯t even remember telling you that.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Uh oh¡±

    ME: ¡°No, babe. I remember everything I said about us! I was all over the place! I talked way too much. My throat was so dry.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°You were just fine.¡±

    ME: ¡°Plus my heart wanted to beat out of my chest.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ha ha! It was nice to see you too!¡±

    ME: ¡°It was really nice for me.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Me too.¡±

    I didn¡¯t hear back from her for the rest of the day so I went to work on finding just that. I¡¯d need another job to support any business idea that came my way. With about thirty thousand dollars in cash and another tweny thousand in investments, I had some time to figure things out, but I didn¡¯t want to deplete the money I saved for a potential honeymoon and other destinations. The stocks I made investments in were steals and had gone up¡ªlike Sirius Satellite radio at twenty-five cents a share. I invested in Waste Management and Wells Fargo Bank¡ªstocks with a great future. Wells Fargo was one of the banks that didn¡¯t need a federal bailout, and I bought Waste Management when I learned they planned to close the landfill in Los Angele in 2016 which should increase their business. I also invested in some future start-ups and super low prices, but I had the take the risk now more than ever hoping these paid off soon giving me more leverage with her. One of the skills I gained during my years at KSR was the ability to grow my money and have it work for me¡ªinstead of me working for it. This was another reason why I believed we would be just fine and the kids hate for her, if any, would be short-term.

    After revising my resume and sending it to a few internet job postings, Anya sent me a text that left me a little unnerved.

    ANYA: ¡°Ok so if one of your friends on Facebook is not blocked, you can open up his or her wall and see every conversation you had with your friend. You don¡¯t have to hack into your personal profile.¡±

    Her text left me open to misinterpret it. After accusing her husband of hacking into my account, she seemed to defend his actions by clarifying he didn¡¯t ¡°hack¡± into my Facebook account, he just stalked my friends instead for weaknesses to get to me. In essence, I guess the more proper way to hack into an account, without it being ¡°technically¡± hacking, is to stalk the person of interest, find out who his friends are, then stalk them to see what the person of interest is posting about. Her text just really rubbed me the wrong way¡ªit seemed she was more interested in defending the person who dishonored her in life and not the defend the man who had. It wasn¡¯t hacking but rather some alternative method to stalking¡ªbasically telling me that Jackson was not the creep I pegged him to be. Whether he hacked me or not, he still violated my private information. Since he knew Anya would leave him if he ever called me, he created a go around¡ªa stalking loophole.

    ME: ¡°I checked my privacy settings and it was restricted to my friends only. You have to be accepted as a friend to see anything I post on my wall.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yes, but if I click on one of your friends, and he doesn¡¯t have his restricted, I can see all the convo that u sent him.¡±

    ME: ¡°How would he know they were a friend of mine though? The only way he could tell it¡¯s a friend of mine is if he got in my Facebook account.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s listed under your name and just click on one.¡±

    ME: ¡°Where do you see that? My friends aren¡¯t listed under my name. You have to be in my profile to see my friend¡¯s name.¡±

    After jumping online to see for myself, she was right¡ªhe didn¡¯t have to be in my page to see who my friends were.

    ANYA: ¡°No, if you have an account you can see all the names of your friends. Click on Jay, the first one.¡±

    ME: ¡°Oh wait. I see what you¡¯re saying.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°He¡¯s not restricted.¡±

    When she clicked on Jay¡¯s name, and even saw the names of my Facebook friends, mostly people I knew for years, it made me wish she could meet each and every one of them. Talking to her made me realize something¡ªthis is why Jackson told her one of my friends told him that she was seeing me. He was telling a twisted version of the truth, none of my friends ever told him a thing¡ªit¡¯s what he saw on their Facebook pages when he started stalking me two years ago is why he grew suspicious. I had a feeling on of Anya¡¯s friends, likely the one she not so affectionately referred to as ¡°Mother Hen¡±¡ªshe knew my name and gave it to Jackson.

    ME: ¡°I see.¡±

    After Anya showed me this, I seethed only because it seemed she defended him. One of my biggest hurdles was feeling like she never vouched for me so her text hit me in one of my weakest spots. She told me she would end their marriage if he ever called me, because she told me that would be just crazy. How was what he did any better? Stalking someone on Facebook by creeping through the Facebook profiles of his friends, who believed their information to be private, was not enough evidence of his insanity? How was that not sociopathic or even narcissistic behavior? Stalking Jackson never crossed my mind and I was curious about things too. After she informed me of how he learned of my postings about Las Vegas and San Francisco, I decided to test her true loyalty.

    ME: ¡°Still doesn¡¯t make it right.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°No¡±

    ME: ¡°My Facebook is none of his business. Very creepy.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I know¡±

    ME: ¡°If he wants to play games, I¡¯ll play. That¡¯s inexcusable.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I think it was done out of curiosity. No different than you looking him up. Not to make up excuses.¡±

    After reading her text, a whole range of emotions filled me¡ªdoing a Google search on someone was entirely different than going through what people believed was a private social media account. If she didn¡¯t want to make up excuses, then she should¡¯ve never made one. The bottom line was this---I was in a ton of anguish because of the horrible things he did to her. I trusted her those things were bad enough to leave him if someone was there for her. If she defended him in anyway, regardless if she loved him as the ¡®father of her children¡± then she would conspire with him against me if she had to. This was really the first time she defended him. I went into this for her only because of what she told me about him, and I actually lost things in my life trusting in those things. I even saw it as a crazier act than him calling me. I trusted her to defend him when we met¡ªnot now. I didn¡¯t care if that was the father of her children, you¡¯re defending a dishonest narcissist¡ªshe should be admonishing him, not finding excuses for him especially after all I had done for her. It just really rubbed me the wrong way when she tried to defend his actions. If he loved his wife and family so much, he should¡¯ve let her know two years ago, not now. She was going to compare his curiosity to mine? I never cheated on her and I was the one who didn¡¯t make the vow not to!

    ME: ¡°The difference is that my information he looked up was meant to be private. It was something he had to poke around in, fiddle with and find. I think it¡¯s creepy.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I know¡±

    ME: ¡°If it¡¯s public knowledge and he Googles me, I could care less.¡±

    I sat down on my bed and tried to cool down¡ªher defense of him really irritated me. I didn¡¯t want to say the wrong thing to her, but how dare she do such a thing? After all I¡¯ve gone through for her based on all the terrible things she told me about him? I had to endure her sleeping with the man because I trusted all she ever told me about him, and now she defends his action? How could she? Defend him to your friends who¡¯ve lost nothing, but not to the man who actually lost his livelihood because of the things she told me about him that I trusted. She should be vouching for me, not trying to find ways to deny my existence. I then asked her a question that burned me to know.

    ME: ¡°How r things with him? Is he watching you again? How r u?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Idk. We haven¡¯t talked since. I¡¯m ok. How r u?¡±

    I softened my stance one I received this information from her¡ªconsidering to look at things differently. I then thought that she likely told me these things not to necessarily defend him, but so we could continue to see each other without him learning of it. Jackson never played fair¡ªhe¡¯d tell the kids their mother didn¡¯t love him and was with another man. I knew Anya well enough to know, she¡¯d never do something as immature as that. When I started to consider she was not truly defending him, but rather trying to keep him from gaining and wielding his power recklessly over her, I felt bad for feeling the way I did. I always faced the worst-case scenarios with women having no problem abandoning me, and I had a hard time seeing it any other way. Fear would just automatically take over and my emotions would scramble. I understood his curiosity, but I felt he crossed the line by going through the profile of my Facebook friends. I didn¡¯t know if Anya was ignoring him or not, but I really hoped this was the final straw for her in their marriage. I hope she realized what she should¡ªthat what he did exhibited outrageous behavior.

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m ok too. Sorry for being rough on you there. I¡¯ll let it go. No big deal. I have nothing to hide. It was just the principle of it. I¡¯m not mad. I just hate to see you go through such BS. You¡¯re a good person. It bothers me.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ok¡±

    I spent the rest of the day looking for job openings and firing off my resume online to firms that seemed like a good fit for me. I also made plans to host a Friday night meeting with friends to discuss potential business ventures at my apartment. Later that evening, Anya sent me a text about Andrew.

    ANYA: ¡°My son wants to play tackle football this year. I¡¯m thinking about it.¡±

    ME: ¡°Has he played tackle football before?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°He¡¯s played flag but never tackle. Have you played tackle football before?¡±

    ME: ¡°Disorganized tackle football. I used to play with friends all the time.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°You wanna teach him? JK!¡±

    Although I loved her text, it dawned on me who would have to teach Andrew how to play tackle football¡ªthe father of the year wouldn¡¯t be around enough to.

    ME: ¡°I would! Ha ha! Tackling is easy. You just have to be crazy enough to take down the bigger boys. Just go for the legs and down they go.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ha ha! I think he¡¯s crazy enough!¡±

    ME: ¡°He¡¯d be good at it then!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Kinda sick of emergency rooms though.¡±

    ME: ¡°If he tackles right, babe¡­he won¡¯t end up there. It¡¯s usually the person getting tackled that gets hurt and it doesn¡¯t happen a lot.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Uh trust me, he¡¯ll find a way!¡±

    I would¡¯ve given up the rest of my life for a chance to teach Andrew how to play tackle football. After our text exchange, I felt bad about the grief I hurled at her about Jackson being in my Facebook account¡ªI just wanted her to penalize him for it, and not me. For two years I never uttered a word about who I was in a relationship with, despite the inconsistencies from her that occurred from time to time. Having to file for unemployment, and losing my partnership promotion because of what he did gave me the right to be ultra-sensitive about it. If she defended him and felt guilty in any way, then she played me for a fool¡ªsomething that I never believed, but when times were hard like they were now, it was hard to discount. His stalking behind the scenes were starting to take its toll on me, especially after I lost my career believing in someone¡¯s pain that he caused.

    After not hearing from her the next day, I reached out late the following afternoon.

    ANYA: ¡°Just made it to facial. Ttyl!¡±

    ME: ¡°Oh, I thought you had it already! Ttyl!¡±

    I forgot she had told me she had a facial, but I thought it was in the morning.

    ANYA: ¡°No had to pick up Andrew.¡±

    ME: ¡°Sorry babe! Going to Whole Foods store. I¡¯ll be thinking of you by the wine bottles. Enjoy your facial!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Our Whole Foods store? Ha ha enjoy!¡±

    When I didn¡¯t hear back from her for the rest of the day, her absence hit me harder than usual¡ªI didn¡¯t have work to keep me busy. At least mentally when I was gainfully employed, it was easy to convince myself she didn¡¯t want to distract me from working. Now, it felt like she just didn¡¯t have time for me as ¡°ttyl¡± felt distant¡ªor maybe my loneliness made it feel that way. Knowing she was busy with her kids; it wouldn¡¯t be fair to penalize her for doing what she needed to do for them. Notwithstanding, Jackson was putting more pressure on her than ever. That evening, when I knew her phone was off and she wouldn¡¯t contact me, I sent her a series of texts.

    ME: ¡°I can¡¯t imagine what you¡¯re going though over there right now. I¡¯m sure you¡¯re really tired, but I¡¯m sure you just want to go to sleep to just get through another day. I¡¯m really worried about you babe.¡±

    ME: ¡°You told me the other day in your message that you love me more than ever. When you take into consideration all that you¡¯ve been through the last 6 months with me, that was just the most powerful, most moving thing you¡¯ve ever said to me. I was blown away when I read that.¡±

    ME: ¡°I remember you told me in Vegas after our disagreement that ¡°I ruined your life¡±. Especially after the Facebook fiasco, and what you¡¯re going through and what may be more to come from him, I feel I have.¡±

    ME: ¡°You told me I could be building my life with someone else by waiting but I equally don¡¯t think it¡¯s right or fair that I¡¯ve imploded your life just to go on and build it with someone else leaving you behind with your life in shambles. After Friday, I refuse to do that whether we are together or not. Love catches the ones who fall.¡±

    ME: ¡°I happened to meet my soulmate when I was available. I truly believe you¡¯re the one for me. You just are. To be honest, I¡¯d rather just die alone. The reason I can face anything in life, the layoff, is because of the way you make me feel about myself. To have someone believe in you when you don¡¯t believe in yourself most of the time is special. All the love you¡¯ve shown me even with my emotional transgressions is a miracle. Not one time have you passed judgment on me, not for one moment even at times I¡¯m sure you wanted me to get lost. You¡¯ve been there for me in every way and you¡¯ve even loved me when I wasn¡¯t deserving of it, and I appreciate you and am grateful.¡±

    ME: ¡°You¡¯re very special. I¡¯m worried about you. I miss you very much. I love you more than ever. I hope you¡¯re sleeping well.¡±

    When the morning came, Anya sent me a text to acknowledge she received them.

    ANYA: ¡°Good morning. I¡¯ll have to get back to you later. I have KB and a funeral this morning.¡±

    ME: ¡°Good morning. Oh, great a funeral. Sorry to hear that. Ttyl!¡±

    While Anya paid her respects, I tried to exorcise the ghost of a lost career¡ªfiring off more resumes hoping to hear my phone ring soon. I initially planned to reach out to my friend¡¯s father, but grew hesitant about getting back into public accounting¡ªthe industry had a high turnover rate for a reason and I was burnt out on it. I hoped after my Friday meeting I organized from my network of friends; I¡¯d have a better idea of what my next step would be. Just before I made myself a sandwich for lunch, Anya sent me a text.

    ANYA: ¡°Just left. Sad.¡±

    ME: ¡°I bet.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°What r u up to?¡±

    When I received her text, I got a bit excited hoping she may want to grab tea since I had all this free time now.

    ME: ¡°Nothing! Haha!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Good!¡±

    ME: ¡°I sent some resumes out. Trying to figure out if I want to get back in public accounting or not. Looking forward to my gathering tomorrow. It will give me a better idea of what I want to do.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Sounds like you got it all figured out. Ready for your gathering?¡±

    ME: ¡°As ready as I¡¯m going to be! I¡¯m going to go pick up some drinks and some snacks for the group. What r u up to?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ha ha! Going home to change out of my dress then I¡¯ll figure it out! Lots to do!¡±

    There was a time Anya would¡¯ve wanted me to see what the dress looked like on her¡ªbut maybe it was just my depression talking. When she didn¡¯t acknowledge my late night texts at all, I decided it best not to bug her about them¡ªshe didn¡¯t have to respond to them anyway.

    Without anything really to do, I decided to go to the movie theater near her home to feel closer to her, and less alone. I decided to see a movie called ¡°The Ugly Truth¡± with Katherine Heigl and Gerard Butler who plays a male chauvinist. In the middle of the movie, my phone began to vibrate, and when I looked at my screen, Anya had responded to my texts.

    ANYA: ¡°In response to your texts, I¡¯m confused. I don¡¯t understand what you want. You said you were going to put yourself out there just in case and now you¡¯re saying you¡¯d rather die alone. I don¡¯t understand your thoughts. Yes, it¡¯s been hard the last 6 months but I¡¯m still in love with you. I can¡¯t just stop loving you. I just don¡¯t know what to do. I understand what you¡¯re going through and then I worry about my kids. So many thoughts go through my head. It¡¯s crazy! If you can look into my brain it¡¯s just a big giant mess! One day at a time is all I can do.¡±

    She made a lot of sense¡ªmy texts were contradicting. It was hard for me to understand myself sometimes as the depression began to kick in without me being aware of it. I had just lost a career job causing my fear of losing Anya to grow. It wasn¡¯t my intention to confuse her at all and it was one of the times I was inconsistent with her¡ªbut unknown to me, I was falling into the darkest depression of my life. More than anything, I just wanted her to feel secure in my love for her and it just didn¡¯t come out that way. It wouldn''t have been fair for me to go out and have a great life with someone else while she was stuck in a loveless marriage that was even worse now because of me. To abandon her like that¡ªI loved her too much and I¡¯d rather die alone. Unfortunately, I met my soulmate before I committed to someone else. I would become dust before finding love again.

    I left the theater before the movie finished, so I could answer Anya. Walking into a book store that was adjacent to the theater, I sat in a comfy sofa chair and began texting her.

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m worried about you, that¡¯s all.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Thank you. I¡¯m worried too! Ha!¡±

    ME: ¡°I know, Sweetheart. I don¡¯t think it¡¯s fair just to leave you with a ton of feelings and a mess. Just let¡¯s take it one day at a time. I love you, you know. It¡¯s embedded to care.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Oh, if you¡¯re feeling guilt because you met someone, it¡¯s ok. Really. I want you to be happy, Honest.¡±

    When I read her text, it shocked me. I then ran through my past texts to her to see the way they were worded¡ªhow could she possibly think that? After all our struggles, did she really think I could just go out and date someone else that easily? I fought with her only because I loved her so much. I wanted to be with her every single day, and if I was lucky enough, for the rest of my life. As much as I held Anya responsible for encouraging and allowing me to develop deep feelings for her, I held myself responsible for doing the same thing as well. I understood she wanted to take it one day at a time and found it to be a great idea. Her heart was my responsibility to take care of, and I respected her feelings and emotions too much to just go out and find someone new. After all those arguments, she really thought I¡¯d go out and meet someone else all because she wanted to take it one day at a time? No one could ever just step in and replace her in my heart. She had not only had a hold on it but a huge stake in it. Being loyal to her was easy because it was innate for me to be. I didn¡¯t even check other women out after I met her¡ªI loved her that deeply. She was in my head, my eyes and my heart every single second of the day for the last twenty months. It broke my heart she could ever think I found someone new. Did she really think I¡¯d be happy with anyone else but her? I¡¯d rather be alone and miserable, than be with someone else. Those four to six years she thought I¡¯d waste away waiting for her were already gone¡ªI already felt married to her. The bond and pull towards her was too strong to go on if I lost her. I felt if I dated someone else, after all we¡¯ve shared, I¡¯d betray her now¡ªand even betray myself simply because any girl I dated had no chance. We¡¯ve shared too much. I¡¯d hear those cries in my head as if she were lovesick all over again. She meant the universe to me, and everyone else was non-existent. With no uncertainty, I knew I had only one soulmate, and I met mine¡ªthese strong feelings told me that every single day. I didn¡¯t care what anyone told me¡ªI lived what I felt.

    ME: ¡°Haha! I didn¡¯t meet anyone, babe. R u kidding?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°No!¡±

    ME: ¡°What would make you think that?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I don¡¯t think it¡¯s right to leave u w/a ton of feelings and a mess¡±?

    ME: ¡°Right! It doesn¡¯t mean I¡¯ve met someone else!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Hmmm¡±

    ME: ¡°I said that in reference to you mentioning ¡°building a life w/someone else¡±! I didn¡¯t meet anyone else. I would be honest with you if I did.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m half joking with you!¡±

    ME: ¡°I would tell you. I promise.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I know you would and I would get mad at you.¡±

    ME: ¡°You would! I knew it!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°*woundn¡¯t¡±

    ME: ¡°Not even an asterisk is going to save you now! I knew you would be mad at me!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°No!¡±

    ME: ¡°Sure sure sure! Ha ha!¡±

    Although I knew she meant to type ¡°wouldn¡¯t¡±, my heart wanted to believe she didn¡¯t. She then sent me a text that melted my heart as much as anyone she had ever sent me.

    ANYA: ¡°If we were free to love, I would love you so much that you wouldn¡¯t want to meet anyone else. I¡¯d love you so much and I¡¯d selfishly want you all to myself! I¡¯d let my guard down and love you freely in bed.¡±

    If she considered her love for me as it stood, a freedom less love, I already didn¡¯t want to meet anyone else. Her text was super sweet and brought a huge smile to my face, but part of the problem was she loved me as if she were free to love already¡ªwhy I felt so much pain and so much love for her. She loved me so freely, I never wanted to be with anyone else ever again. In desperate need of a ¡°feel good¡± moment, she delivered.

    ME: ¡°I know this. Why do I think you¡¯re so great! That was a very sweet text.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s true!¡±

    ME: ¡°I know it is! Thank you for that. This is why there could be no one else.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I love you.¡±

    ME: ¡°I love you!¡±

    I sat there in that chair and looked around the book store with a huge grin¡ªI really needed to feel some positive energy. When I rose from the comfort of my chair at the bookstore to head on out before the evening traffic started, I felt a strange source of energy around me. I don¡¯t know what it was but it was the closest thing to ¡°feeling like a million bucks¡±. Feeling something different about my surroundings, like being in a dream, I continued to head toward the bookstore¡¯s exit. As I walked by the travel section, there she was, Anya¡ªsitting on the floor absorbed in a travel guide. I wanted to get down on my knees and wrap my arms around her, but we were in a public place near her home. Afraid she may not be open to seeing me in public so close to home, I texted her when I got outside.

    ME: ¡°I just walked past you sitting down reading a book. I wanted to say hi but didn¡¯t know if anyone was there. I went to the AMC theater next door to see ¡°The Ugly Truth¡±. Pretty good movie.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m here with Andrew! Where r u?¡±

    ME: ¡°Haha! I thought you might be! I¡¯m in my car now.¡±

    Fearing I¡¯d make her feel uncomfortable, especially with her son, I decided to jump in my car and head out. Suddenly, she sent me a text.

    ANYA: ¡°What? Come back so I can see u!¡±

    Was she serious? Andrew was with her¡ªwasn¡¯t she worried? Did she really want to see me and risk everything? Or did she think I was on a date and that¡¯s why I went to the movies? I had to reread it again before I responded.

    ME: ¡°R u serious? I look like crap!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°So do I!¡±

    ME: ¡°No you don¡¯t! I saw you already! You always look great! Be right there!¡±

    It all felt surreal walking back into the bookstore knowing I¡¯d see her in seconds. Approaching her slowly and with caution, she was standing up when I reached her. Her beautiful dark soulful eyes peered up at me with a smile that could make the books around us fall off the shelves.

    ¡°Well, well, well. What have we here?¡± I smiled back.

    ¡°I¡¯m taking Katie to Boston at the end of August¡ªtrying to plan the trip,¡± she told me. ¡°She is interested in going to Harvard.¡±

    ¡°She¡¯s Harvard material all the way.¡± I boasted. ¡°Boston is a great city.¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s right. You told me you¡¯ve been there before.¡±

    ¡°It was almost twenty years ago.¡±

    Lost in the dream before me, a woman who told me she looked like crap but looked as beautiful as ever, a young boy suddenly appeared at her side with a look of curiosity in his eyes.

 CHAPTER 15 ~ TEATERRING ON THE EDGE

    ¡°Wait, can this be a dream

    There¡¯s a voice in my head

    It belongs to you it says

    Don¡¯t cry, no need to be sad

    There¡¯s a way to stay with you again.

    It¡¯s more than you ever had

    And no death brings us apart

    Our timeless love always grows

    Because you are my other part.¡±

    ~ ¡°We¡¯ll Burn the Sky¡± The Scorpions

    As the son I wish were mine stood next to his mother, I had so many questions. ¡°How are you¡±, ¡°How¡¯s your all-star team doing?¡±, ¡°Is Mom going to let you play tackle football this year?¡± ¡°Do you have any big plans for the summer?¡±, ¡°Do you have any hot stock tips for me?¡±, but more than anything, I just wanted to be able to simply say ¡°hello¡±. Knowing I couldn¡¯t acknowledge him killed me inside. Andrew, a small but cute kid looked up at me then shyly away, burying his head into his mother¡¯s hip. Even working for three years at a day care filled with kids between the ages of five to thirteen, could¡¯ve prepared me to be so suddenly graced by his presence. The hardest thing was knowing so much about this little guy, but not being able to talk to him. What made it so cruelly agonizing was the fact in his eyes, I was the villain in this story. That he stood face to face with the man who loved his mother more than his father ever did, yet it would shatter his world if she left for me. The biggest surprise though was not so much Andrew appearing before me, but how comfortable Anya felt about it. In the only way she could, she vouched for me at this moment.

    I didn¡¯t even know what to say to her, if anything. Should I ask ¡°Is this your son?¡± and just pretend to be a business acquaintance? If I stuck around, he surely would remember my face, and if Anya and I were together one day, his photographic memory will set in. I guess there was only one thing I could say without going into full Jack Nicholson mode.

    ¡°It was nice seeing you.¡± I said, then turning to walk away.

    ¡°Nice seeing you too.¡± she responded.

    The only thing left to do was flee the scene. When I got inside my car, I texted her before leaving the parking lot.

    ME: ¡°Very nice to see u!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°U too! Busted huh?¡±

    This was the Anya I knew¡ªthe light-hearted woman who didn¡¯t fear our love. She had no idea how bad I wanted to stay and hang out with them¡ªsomething I dreamt about. She shared so much about their lives with me, it only became natural to want to meet them one day. My fear was making Anya feel uncomfortable and anxious. I only threatened to tell Jackson that one time because I feared she was being dishonest with me about her wedding anniversary but I¡¯d never dream of telling her kids anything about us, or even about their parents. If I had known Andrew and fled the scene, then that¡¯s a different story. Sure, I¡¯d get upset with her at times and have crazy negative feelings, but not one single time did my thoughts ever stray to ¡°I¡¯ll tell the kids!¡± to even the score. I¡¯d be a bigger douchebag than Jackson if I ever did something like that. The shock of seeing Andrew was the only thing that subdued the sadness I felt for not being able to say ¡°hello¡± to him.

    ME: ¡°Haha! I don¡¯t think so. I¡¯m sure that happens!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ha ha! He asked if I knew you!¡±

    ME: ¡°He did? What did you tell him?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Nope!¡±

    I don¡¯t know why it disappointed me when she said, ¡°nope¡±, but it did. I guess that level of quick denial penetrated my heart a little¡ªor maybe I hoped she¡¯d tell him ¡°that¡¯s the greatest man I¡¯ve ever known.¡± Then again, after my meltdowns, I¡¯m sure I wasn¡¯t the greatest anymore, anyway.

    ME: ¡°Haha! Just another weirdo son!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ha ha! You were so close to Andrew!¡±

    ME: ¡°I know! Good looking kid! Wish I could have introduced myself.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Thx! I know I¡¯m sorry.¡±

    Only because I knew so much about him and even seeing my younger self in him, that I wanted to ask him so many questions. Like, if he planned to play tackle football and if he liked his IMACs. How is your wallet business coming along, Andrew? How did it feel winning the baseball championship this year? It just made me feel like the biggest creep on the planet to know so much about someone who hadn¡¯t the slightest idea who I was. Why did she tell me so much about her kids without ever fielding a plan to have me meet them one day? I loved her and I wanted to know her life, but why share so much with me with no plans in place to leave? I know I fucked up at times, but it seemed she understood my struggles. I understood her concerns, but at the same time, it was hard to because of how much I knew that no one else did.

    ME: ¡°Oh it¡¯s ok! I know so much about him! Haha!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°You do and he has no idea!¡±

    ME: ¡°Haha!¡±

    I tried to laugh it off¡ªto hide how much it hurt to know so much about him but remaining a stranger to him. I thought Anya handled the situation the right way, she had to, but I couldn¡¯t deny someone who claimed to love me as much as she did could do it so easily. I would¡¯ve never shared the lives of my children with her if I had no plans to be with her one day.

    ANYA: ¡°How did you know I was there?¡±

    ME: ¡°I saw you as I was walking out. I went to the movies by your home just to feel close to you, and went to the bookstore afterwards. I hoped to see you but couldn¡¯t have dreamt it possible. Crazy.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°What a coincidence! Yea, Katie wants to visit Harvard and Boston Uni. Not that she¡¯d get in but she wants to know if she should set herself up for local universities or go back east. She said she¡¯d like to maybe do her undergrad in CA and go back east for her post grad. Yea um, let¡¯s see after a couple of years at butt kicking PACE! She may change her mind about going to college!¡±

    ME: ¡°I think that is really awesome you¡¯re doing that for her! Get her goals set early and it gives her a better chance at achieving them if she can see them happening. She¡¯ll figure it out. She¡¯s a really bright girl with a brighter future ahead of her.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I bet you were surprised to see me hunkered down on the floor reading in mid day!¡±

    ME: ¡°Yes I was! But I was surprised to see you period!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Did you run?¡±

    ME: ¡°No! I didn¡¯t know what to do though. I wanted to approach then scare you, but it¡¯s near your home and I didn¡¯t know who you were there with.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Thank you I appreciate that.¡±

    ME: ¡°It was done out of respect.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Well thank you!¡±

    ME: ¡°I was going to kneel down and put my head on your shoulder like some annoying creep would who wanted to read the same book you¡¯re reading.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°OMG! That would have been creepy! I would have screamed!¡±

    ME: ¡°Good thing I didn¡¯t then! Haha! Andrew would have been in the store thinking ¡°Gee, that sure sounds a lot like my mom!¡±. Great first impression that would¡¯ve been.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Uh yea! Not good!¡±

    ME: ¡°It was really nice to see you. Thanks for asking me to come back.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°It was nice to see you too! I¡¯m glad u texted me!¡±

    ME: ¡°Me too!¡±

    Although I felt bummed about not being able to talk to Andrew, it felt good to know how comfortable Anya felt with me being near him. That night I decided to send her another series of text messages¡ªthe norm now that we rarely saw each other. Fearing a disconnect, I made an effort to maintain our closeness as much as I could. I started to think since I never told her about my Facebook account that she thought I may have used it to meet other women¡ªwhy she felt I had met someone new. I tended to forget her own experiences with Jackson led her to believe all guys were like him. She believed Jackson¡¯s behavior was normal for men, even when it was clearly and wholly unacceptable.

    ME: ¡°Hey there. You¡¯re probably sleeping away. I know it was a long day for you and a long night too. I was really happy to see you today. I wanted to lean down and kiss you so bad. I love the look in your eyes whenever you see me. It just makes me so alive. I¡¯ve never felt that way before. It was nice to see your son too. I wanted to ask him so many questions because I know so much about him! It was nice to see him in person.¡±

    ME: ¡°If you think I¡¯ve met someone or am even looking that just couldn¡¯t be further from the truth. I shouldn¡¯t have said I¡¯d rather die alone but it¡¯s just the way I feel. You¡¯re the best. There are so many things I love about you, it¡¯s like no other girl has a chance.¡±

    ME: ¡°I only started a Facebook account mostly because of my high school reunion which I didn¡¯t even go to b/c SF came up, and that took priority. So many times, I go into town and people seem to remember me, and I look at them trying to remember their names! I just thought it would be a good way for me to not look like a jerk at the reunion. I feel bad when people remember me but I don¡¯t remember them or can¡¯t at the moment. I just used FB to reconnect that way, not to meet anyone else, and I¡¯ve had the account before we met.¡±

    ME: ¡°Everyone that¡¯s a friend on my FB are my real friends or were at some point in my life. It¡¯s just nice to stay in touch. The girlfriends I have on there are mostly people I used to work with and they are either all happily married or in relationships. I wish I could introduce you to everyone. I know they would love you. Who wouldn¡¯t? Haha!¡±

    ME: ¡°I didn¡¯t mean to confuse you. I just meant considering what you¡¯re going through right now, it¡¯s not fair to you that I go off and start building a life with someone else while your life is in shambles because of me. I¡¯m not interested in meeting anyone else. Period. I just didn¡¯t want you to feel guilty about anything so that¡¯s why I said I would put myself out there. Not because I want to. I love you and you¡¯re my soulmate. It¡¯s not as easy as you think for me to go out there and meet someone now. I just don¡¯t care about being with anyone; unless that anyone is you. I know you want me to be happy, but I¡¯m happiest with you or at least having that hope of being with you.¡±

    ME: ¡°I just wanted to make that clear. I don¡¯t want you to feel guilty about anything, anymore. I want you to have someone because I know you don¡¯t. I feel you need love in your life, more than you think or realize you do, and I want to give that to you as much as I can. You¡¯ve put a lot on the line for me, so much so, things won¡¯t ever be the same ever again for you. They just won¡¯t. You know better than anyone, internal wounds of the heart and mind fester over time and all because we can¡¯t be together, doesn¡¯t make it right that I abandon you when you probably need me and my love more than ever or more than you realize.¡±

    ME: ¡°Just know I¡¯m here and I love you completely. Oh and btw, you aren¡¯t free to love me and I don¡¯t want to meet anyone else!¡±

    After I sent this off, I faded off into the night. When I woke up the next morning, later than I usually did, I checked my phone to see if she responded¡ªshe did.

    ANYA: ¡°Wow! That was a long one! It was nice to see you too! What a nice surprise! As far as your FB goes, I think it¡¯s wonderful for you to have one! It¡¯s a good way to stay in touch. Good for you! I think I¡¯m just holding back right now b/c Katie wants a Myspace account and I¡¯m trying to prolong that as much as possible. Now I think I¡¯m private in that I don¡¯t share my business with people unless they are in my immediate circle. I¡¯d be a bit sad for a while but I¡¯d understand and be happy for you! You have to focus on yourself, remember? Don¡¯t worry about me. I¡¯m ok. I¡¯m happy when I¡¯m with you too. I¡¯m also happy when my kids are happy that¡¯s why this is so difficult for me. No, I¡¯m not free to love you and you should not be closed to meeting new people.¡±

    After reading her text, all I could see was red. The first thing that irritated me was when she seemingly took a jab at me, telling me she was a private person and only shared her business with people in her immediate circle. This felt like instead of blaming her stalking psychotic husband, she blamed me for him getting in my Facebook account. She likely defended him because he might tell her kids, but she needed to put the blame solely on him¡ªnot me. The most unsettling thing in her message was ¡°I¡¯m happy when I¡¯m with you too. I¡¯m also happy when my kids are happy.¡± It¡¯s not like I didn¡¯t want her to feel happy when her kids are happy, but I could¡¯ve avoided a ton of heartache that led me to a therapist couch and Zoloft if she told me that in the beginning. When I asked her why she was still with Jackson, after she had just got supposedly dumped by another man, she didn¡¯t tell me ¡°Because I¡¯m happy when my kids are happy¡± but rather ¡°Because no one wants to be with a woman who has baggage¡±. What made me more upset with her is that if I were to bring this up, she would feel she betrayed her kids¡ªand not feel as if she betrayed the man who trusted she told him the truth in the beginning. This bait and switch method left me beside myself. It was a good thing I did lose my job after reading her text¡ªI would¡¯ve had to call in sick.

    To add further insult, she told me ¡°I shouldn¡¯t be closed to meeting new people¡± seemed to suggest Jackson¡¯s infidelities never mattered to her. The woman took nearly two years of my life and hits me that? Did she honestly think I believed she was in love with me after writing me that after all I texted her about the way I felt? Her response was cruelly cold after telling me she loved me more than ever after San Francisco. I didn¡¯t care if she had ten kids, her selflessness only came after I feel deeply in love with her. So much so, I seriously considered waiting four to six years for her if I had to. If she felt she betrayed her kids by loving me, then she couldn¡¯t have loved me the way she claimed she did. Her feelings for me were dead and she didn¡¯t want to hurt me at this point. How could any woman, that was ¡°in love¡± with another man, tell that man he should be open to meeting new people? It made me so sick to read her text, I couldn¡¯t help but pace around my apartment with a stomach in knots and an increasingly rapid heartbeat. After all we shared¡ªafter losing my career job because of our relationship, after being told ¡°I love you more than ever, after nearly two years of fighting for her and going on a drug to save her from sadness she never truly cared about at all, after seven long heart filled texts, she morphed into Jackson Caiaphas before my very eyes. After all of that, she turned me from her hero to the monster. And why was I ever her hero in the first place? If she ever felt, for even a second, that loving me was betraying her kids, I¡¯d feel betrayed enough to confront Jackson¡ªsomething I promised never to do.

    From her text, she must¡¯ve understood why Jackson had cheated on her¡ªsomething else she kept from me for nearly two years. Cheating happens and so it was never a big deal because if my kids are happy, then that¡¯s all that truly matters¡ªmarriages were unrealistic anyway. My husband could cheat whenever his heart desired as long as my kids are happy! As long as the golden goose kept money coming in, it didn¡¯t matter. For all I knew they could¡¯ve made a pact to date other people but never end their marriage because of the kids. After her text, it should¡¯ve become more evident than ever that she just wanted to fall in love for the sake of feeling again, but I opted to look at myself instead and my past. All those heartfelt texts I spent the night composing, she only used against me. She probably thought there was love behind them but not after what I¡¯ve lost believing her situation was one she just needed someone in her life to change. Trying not to let my emotions get the better of me, I responded to her text. If she was never free to love me, then why did she ever put her heart and soul into us?

    ME: ¡°So basically what you¡¯re saying is if he cheated on you again, you would choose to stay anyway because it would make the kids unhappy if you were to leave?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I think if he did it again I would have to leave.¡±

    She ¡°thinks¡± if he ever did it again she would have to leave? But what about the unhappiness of her children? Isn¡¯t she happy when her kids are happy? Just a few days ago, this woman told me she loved me more than ever, and now she tried to convince herself that she was never free to love me after allowing and encouraging me to feel the greatest love I¡¯ve ever known for nearly the last two years? She told me I broke heart when I left her after we first met, and now she hits me with this? I didn¡¯t want to give her a hard time, I loved her to death, but her text was one I expected to read from a woman who didn¡¯t love me¡ªnot from the one who claimed she loved me more than ever.

    ME: ¡°Ok.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ok?¡±

    Her ¡°ok¡± seemed to say ¡°wouldn¡¯t you want me to leave¡± but I thought she had more reasons than ever to leave him, including one big reason¡ªme. Now it seemed there were two things she should¡¯ve told me the night we decided to pursue our love. One¡ªI would need my kids¡¯ permission in order for us to be together, and two¡ªmy husband would have to cheat on me again. How could she feel guilt about her children, but not feel an ounce of guilt for the things she failed to tell me in the beginning? I didn¡¯t want to make her feel bad, but this is why I¡¯d ¡°make my own conclusions¡± and it was disrespectful and insulting. Stopping from pacing my apartment, I fell down on my bed and began to type away on my phone knowing I¡¯d be too depressed on this day to look for work.

    ME: ¡°I would hope that you would if he did it again.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°R u going to hire a sexy girl to lure him? JK!¡±

    ME: ¡°That¡¯s not a bad idea!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ha ha!¡±

    ME: ¡°I think that would have to happen on its own. I think if there¡¯s a God, He¡¯s an advocate for people who are in love. I really think He would work in ways to bring them together.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°You¡¯re right.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m not much of a believer but if he¡¯s there, he is working on it. Just the way I feel about it. Yesterday was a good example. It¡¯s weird b/c I don¡¯t understand how everything can feel so right and natural. And it shouldn¡¯t if people were to be hurt.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I know.¡±

    If there was a God, who I was starting to believe in, how could he allow the people around the people who truly loved each other to get hurt? If Anya and I were having sex in the bathroom stalls of restaurants, I could easily understand the universe working against us, but in our situation? I just couldn¡¯t believe for a second, the lives of her children ever being destroyed by the love we found in each other¡ªand any unhappiness they felt would only be temporary. I really didn¡¯t believe a loving God would allow us to feel the love we have if it would hurt her children. If we weren¡¯t allowed to feel the goodness of a love such as ours without it bringing pain to children, then He could have my soul¡ªit was worthless.

    ME: ¡°Have you spoken to each other yet?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°A little.¡±

    ME: ¡°I see.¡±

    After her text, I figured she was back on speaking terms with him. After all, they are flying out to Boston with the kids and I imagined they would have to. I knew they lived in a rather large home but the silence couldn¡¯t last forever¡ªespecially during the Sunday night dinners. Later that evening, after winding down a pretty unproductive day with my job search, Anya sent me a text.

    ANYA: ¡°How is it going? Did you have your get together?¡±

    ME: ¡°Going ok. My friends got caught working late so we didn¡¯t have it.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Awww. I¡¯m sorry.¡±

    ME: ¡°It¡¯s ok. I have time to have another one.¡±

    Not one of the best days for me, as Anya¡¯s morning text left me feeling hopeless throughout the day. Her response to my texts crushed me when she seemingly defended Jackson and left me doubting once again her honesty from the beginning about her situation. When I started dwelling on the planned family trip to Boston without telling me about it until I ran into her at the bookstore, it left me unable to move out of bed.

    When I didn¡¯t hear from her the next morning, I deducted that she only sent me texts in the morning if I sent her texts the previous night. Being a Saturday, I reached out to her to see what she was up to.

    ANYA: ¡°Hanging then a friend¡¯s B-party later. U?¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m just hanging. No plans. Have a good one.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ok u too!¡±

    No wonder why Anya asked me to come back inside the bookstore¡ªshe knew the only time I¡¯d get to see her is if I ran into her somewhere. After I told her of my new agreement, I thought she would at least try to see me when she could, but after Jackson stalked me on Facebook, she had to be more careful. I just had to be understanding of that.

    My plan for the day involved going to the gym then continuing my job search but pulling my back out at the gym again wasn¡¯t on the day¡¯s agenda. Just like my Friday, it seemed the promise of tomorrow wouldn¡¯t be any better, but to my surprise, Anya sent me a text just before noon.

    ANYA: ¡°R u going to the movies today?¡±

    ME: ¡°Haha! Sorry, I just got back from the gym. I wasn¡¯t planning on it because the theaters get packed on the weekends. I love the weekday matinee or the late night shows. Were you planning on trying to go?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°No was just asking. I was hoping to get away for tea but now I¡¯m kinda out of time.¡±

    I guess in Anya¡¯s mind, if I planned to go out that way, then she wouldn¡¯t feel guilty about asking to see me. I found it really sweet of her to even ask me.

    ME: ¡°I would¡¯ve loved to have met you. Thanks for thinking of that. I miss u, u know. That was a really sweet thought.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Sorry. I miss u too.¡±

    ME: ¡°It¡¯s ok. You made my day anyway.¡±

    Her sweet thought truly got me through the rest of the day. As the Sunday unmercifully dragged on, I decided to read a book after talking myself into picking back up the job search on Monday. At about a little after four, Anya texted me once more.

    ANYA: ¡°What r u up to?¡±

    ME: ¡°Nothing at all! Just bumming around.¡±

    In case there was any chance I could see her, I made it known to her I was available.

    ANYA: ¡°Ha ha! You¡¯re getting good at that!¡±

    ME: ¡°Too good! Monday or Tuesday I¡¯ll get back on track. Next week for sure I¡¯ll work on things.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Too funny! Or Wednesday?¡±

    ME: ¡°Wednesday sounds more realistic!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Haha!¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯ve been in public accounting for 8 years. I need a small break.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Don¡¯t blame u.¡±

    ME: ¡°R u at the party?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°No not till 5. Andrew has friends over. I might go back to the bookstore to look at Boston books again if I can get everything done here. I¡¯m making appetizers for the party. I bought 3 books on Boston and they all recommend different places to eat and see! I went to the bookstore the other day to see if the other books had the same recommendations just to find out that those other books had other recommendations!!! One thing they all had in common was the Harvard Yard and the Holocaust Memorial so that¡¯s a start. It¡¯s going to scare the kids but I think it would be a good educational experience for them.¡±

    ME: ¡°Oh wow! That¡¯s funny! I think it would be a good educational experience for them too.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I want to do it right. My main goal is to have it be an encouraging experience for Katie. She asked if she could see Boston and the college town just to get a feel for back east. I¡¯m hoping that the trip would motivate her when she starts high school and not blow it. After all u kinda only have once chance in each grade. I just don¡¯t want to miss anything and have her have a ¡°so so¡± experience.¡±

    The way Anya planned her daughter¡¯s trip was a great testament to her the love she had for her kids. All bases had to be covered if Katie was considering a move back east to go to school and I loved the extra care Anya put into making sure her daughter would have all the information she needed to make a sound decision. Anya always had the best interest of her kids in mind in all she did for them¡ªalways wanting to give them the best future she possibly could. Her kids were first, and I loved her for it. I just wish she¡¯d show that being loved was a need in life, and not a luxury. That the true source of happiness was derived from love and not just from earthy desires.

    ME: ¡°Just remember Hun, the most valuable things Katie will ever learn in life won¡¯t come from out of a textbook. She¡¯ll do great in school, you watch!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Awww thanks. Hope so.¡±

    ME: ¡°She¡¯s too smart to fail, babe. You¡¯ve done a great job.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ah yes, but she has a party girl side!¡±

    ME: ¡°Who doesn¡¯t want to ditch school work and have fun though? She¡¯s lucky she¡¯s female! I¡¯m sure there will be a rich guy somewhere she can meet who will take care of her one day.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°What? No way! I would never encourage that!¡±

    When I texted this to Anya¡ªit was a jab I shouldn¡¯t have taken. My frustration from her responses started to take a toll on me. After putting my heart and soul into her, it felt like she was turning her back on me. I wasn¡¯t a feminist, but supported women being dependent on themselves for income rather than a man. Anya¡¯s response was in line with how she ended up in her current situation with Jackson¡ªrelying on a man for income rather herself. I didn¡¯t think it was wrong for a woman desiring to be taken care of by a man, but they should be independent. For the most part, Anya had become independent but there was no way she could convince me at nineteen she was into a broke thirty-one-year-old. Jackson was always well off and he sucked in a starry-eyed impressionable teenager like a Hoover.

    ANYA: ¡°You know guys can go for the sugar mommas of the world!¡±

    Anya¡¯s response seemed to suggest I had struck a nerve. There were some guys that did go for the Sugar Mommas of the world¡ªI just wasn¡¯t one of them, unlike herself who went for the Sugar Daddy.

    ME: ¡°Women r vicious and more judgmental about it though. Trust me, I know.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°How do you know?¡± Support creative writers by reading their stories on Royal Road, not stolen versions.

    ME: ¡°I had a dating profile a few years ago and it got very little attention until I decided to change my income figure upwards. All of a sudden, I got emails and winks. I learned the hard way.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°You¡¯re really bothered by that, aren¡¯t you?¡±

    ME: ¡°I just feel it¡¯s wrong.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yea it is, but people are judged everyday by their looks, color, race, height, income figure, weight, etc. They are all wrong but it¡¯s just the way it is. Could you marry a sugar mama if you fell in love with her? Sugar mama sounds so ugly! Who came up with that anyway?¡±

    She was right about this¡ªwe¡¯re all judged every single day for something. I didn¡¯t necessarily think all of it was wrong either¡ªbeauty is in the eye of the beholder and we all had our preferences. I found women to be more vicious because they judged men for things they couldn¡¯t change about themselves, such as their height. When a man judged a woman for her size, she could at least change that about herself. My experiences with women have left a very bad taste in my mouth, and they mostly existed because of my height and my financial status. I¡¯m sure if Anya had to face the things I did, she¡¯d completely understand where I was coming from. I couldn¡¯t penalize her for it, but be proud of the way she raised Katie not to be dependent on a man for anything. Maybe even realizing the mistake she made out of convenience.

    ME: ¡°If you marry and fall in love with a sugar mama for her money then I don¡¯t think you¡¯re marrying for love. You¡¯re in love with the wrong thing.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Well let¡¯s say you didn¡¯t know she had money. You fall in love with her then you find out she is loaded. You marry her b/c you¡¯re in love with her who just so happens to have money you didn¡¯t know of. After the honeymoon she asks if you could stay home and take care of the household while she brings home the figure. Could you do it?¡±

    ME: ¡°I wouldn¡¯t feel comfortable about that though because I like to work and would like to contribute. I got in a debate with this girl one time who told me she loves funny guys but they also have to make a 6 figure salary. So that¡¯s what makes him funny and worthy of your laughter? Give me a break.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°What? Who said it was funny?¡±

    ME: ¡°This was a girl on a dating website years ago. I¡¯m sure she picked a winner!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Women! Can¡¯t live with them and can¡¯t live without them! Well, I guess you could but they can drive you crazy!¡±

    ME: ¡°That¡¯s for sure! It seems like money is all that truly matters to them no matter what they say. It¡¯s not about love.¡±

    This is why it upset me when Anya discounted my love for her¡ªI knew what awaited me and wanted no part of the games they played. Anya was the only woman I had ever met who accepted me for wearing my heart on my sleeve¡ªappreciative of my openness. Now, it seemed she only accepted that part of myself all because she had no intentions of leaving her marriage and actually being together.

    ANYA: ¡°I don¡¯t know if that¡¯s entirely true. Can¡¯t speak for all.¡±

    ME: ¡°I know you love me. I know that much.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I do! Going to the bookstore now. Dip is finished!¡±

    ME: ¡°You didn¡¯t want me to go to the movies and then to the bookstore? Just kidding!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ha! I don¡¯t care as long as you don¡¯t post it on your FB!¡±

    Still struggling with Anya¡¯s responses to my heartfelt texts, this day was not shaping up to be one of my better days. Beyond sensitive to everything she did, when she joked about not posting it to ¡°my Facebook¡±, it rubbed me the wrong way. I tried not to let it bother me¡ªit really punished her when I blundered by posting about San Francisco and Las Vegas. She was sensitive to it too because it caused her some discomfort at home. To me, this is when staying for the sake of the kids made zero sense. Jackson confronted Anya about us several months ago and it didn¡¯t stop her. Shouldn¡¯t she be telling Jackson the things she told me in San Francisco during dinner? Why are you staying with someone who you can¡¯t trust and who has no respect for you? The entire Facebook ordeal at her home, and all it caused, made even less sense to me. Why continue living such a lie? Anya told me ¡°There is no marriage¡±. Jackson should be punished about Facebook, not me. It¡¯s amazing I kept all this love for her under wraps for nearly two years. She needed to tell her husband he didn¡¯t have the freedom to stalk me on the internet and he had no right to invade my right to privacy the way he did. Why did she hold me responsible for Jackson rummaging through the profile of my friends, to read what I posted on Facebook? It seemed she believed what he did was perfectly within his right to curiosity and I was out of line for posting such things. This all circled back to my issue with women and their love for money¡ªif Jackson wasn¡¯t wealthy, would she even try to defend him? I didn¡¯t think so.

    ME: ¡°It¡¯s ok. Have a good time.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Did I say something wrong?¡±

    ME: ¡°Nothing wrong.¡±

    Did she want to drag it out of me? How her joke made me feel? I couldn¡¯t respond, afraid it would only cause her to pull more away from me.

    ANYA: ¡°I only have a small window and I would hate to ask you to drive all the way up here just to say hi in the bookstore. Not fair for you. I was kidding about the FB.¡±

    For nearly the last two years, we only operated within her small windows of time. Why did she care so much now? This guilt trip should¡¯ve been given to me when we first met, not now. All I could do was continue to hide my negative emotions from her.

    ME: ¡°No worries!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°You know I¡¯d love to see you!

    ME: ¡°I know you would.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I tried this morn!¡±

    ME: ¡°I know you did! I appreciated that!¡±

    As the hour passed, I hoped that she would text me, but her silence reminded me that I was never a true need, but a luxury. She didn¡¯t have to stress about money, Jackson gave that to her. The more I dwelled on that¡ªthe more it ate me alive. She never needed me as long as she had Jackson¡ªsomething she never really risked to lose if he only gave her the silent treatment over divorce papers. Maybe I was wrong for being so sensitive to it, but I couldn¡¯t take it anymore.

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m sensitive to the FB thing because he went into a friend¡¯s personal profile, looked through only God knows how many of my friends to find me, then looked at private info which I thought was only being shared with my friends. I don¡¯t think he should be given the benefit of the doubt for that. He should be told to stay out and not to be told ¡°it¡¯s ok, you were curious¡±. I feel anyway.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I never told him it was ok! I yelled at him!¡±

    It was hard not to question her willingness to be with me. If there was ever a time she should¡¯ve threatened divorce, this was the time. If she yelled at him, then why was he still with her? In his eyes, his wife was in Las Vegas and San Francisco with another man¡ªwhat leverage did she have to yell at him? I didn¡¯t want to argue with her, but if she had defended me, wouldn¡¯t he have threatened to divorce her at the very least? To see how money could be the only explanation, because of what it provided her kids with, was maddening. Regardless of the way I felt, I had to drop it.

    ME: ¡°Ok. Thank you. I appreciate that you went to bat for me. I didn¡¯t know you did that.¡±

    I thought I might hear back from her later that evening, but when I didn¡¯t it left me in deep despair. As her silence grew louder by the minute, likely because she was having a great time at a birthday party while I suffered another exhausting night full of mental anguish, I texted her.

    ME: ¡°I hope you¡¯re having a good time at the party. Seems like you¡¯re having a good time. I¡¯m glad. Have a goodnight.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Goodnight.¡±

    While lying on my back in my bed, staring into a plain white ceiling, I contemplated the meaning of my life for the first time since I met her. She accused me of forming my own conclusions and truth, but knowing how she tried to make her life easier at home, she only told me she yelled at him so I wouldn¡¯t question her love. I understood Jackson¡¯s curiosity, but he had no right to go through the FB profiles of my friends to stalk me. If she couldn¡¯t see the wrong in that, or defend me, then how could she have ever seen the wrong in his infidelities? It just seemed like she had forgiven him for all he ever did to her¡ªwithout telling me she did. If he wouldn¡¯t divorce her because he didn¡¯t want to lose half of his wealth, then did she ever really risk losing anything? She should¡¯ve defended him twenty months ago. By defending him in any way was beyond disrespectful. I didn¡¯t ask her to be in a relationship with me, she pursued the entire relationship and I trusted her reasons for doing so. For her to defend him would be a betrayal after all she told me about him that led me here. After walking away from her initially, then telling me ¡°You broke my heart¡±, she knew why I trusted her to leave him. As these negative emotions threatened to wreck me, I sent her a series of texts¡ªmessages I knew that could make it another long day for me.

    ME: ¡°I know you didn¡¯t mean anything by the FB comment. I had such a great time with you in SF and I miss you every second and then he does that and it affected the things you were telling me after SF. Then I don¡¯t get to see you and it just bummed me out. Hope you are or had a good time at the party. You deserve it. Goodnight again.¡±

    ME: ¡°I hurt my back yesterday working out. I think it put me in a foul mood and made me ultra sensitive on top of everything. I didn¡¯t want to tell you about it. Working out was the one thing I was going to really get back into regularly after I lost my job. Bummed me out.¡±

    ME: ¡°I know you really wanted to see me yesterday. You didn¡¯t have to ask me if I was going to the movies. I would¡¯ve met up with you for even 10 minutes at the bookstore I miss u so much. Don¡¯t ever feel bad about asking. I want to see you just as bad. Sorry I didn¡¯t pick up on it.¡±

    ME: ¡°You¡¯re seriously the only good thing in my life right now.¡±

    ME: ¡°I know you were making a joke. I promise I won¡¯t take that any other way again. I¡¯m sorry.

    Although every joke contained a hint of truth, I didn¡¯t want to be at odds with her. No one ever plans to yell when they¡¯re struck by a bullet¡ªit¡¯s only natural to react when it happens. What I faced now though was something as powerful and foreboding as the death of the sun.

    I didn¡¯t know how Anya would respond, but I would learn early the next morning.

    ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s ok.¡±

    ME: ¡°Ok. Thank u. How was the party?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°It was good thanks.¡±

    ME: ¡°Did you pick up any more books on Boston?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°No¡±

    ME: ¡°How come? They didn¡¯t offer any additional info?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°So confusing plus wasn¡¯t really in the mood yesterday.¡±

    When I noticed there was no period after the word ¡°no¡±, I broke down in tears, unable to stop their fall imagining how hurt she must have felt when she read my scolding text. I felt even worse when I realized she only went to the bookstore again hoping to see me, or at least wanting to get away from home to feel close to me. It just killed me inside that the negative emotions overwhelmed me¡ªthat the Zoloft wasn¡¯t really working at all.

    ME: ¡°I see. My fault. I understand. Well, if you can go today and you¡¯re up for it, I can go see a movie.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I have to go to my parents all day.¡±

    When I read this, all I could do was leave her alone. Anya was right about a lot of things about myself. Yes, I had the right to be upset with her but I had become so absorbed with my feelings that I ignored hers completely. If I made it ¡°tit for tat¡± then we had no chance of working it out, and it really was all on me. My negative emotions were threatening to destroy us forever, having to rely on her actions and inactions, words and silence, to hold them off. It was grossly unfair to her, but my thoughts were pressure building upon the dam that was my mind. Thoughts that should¡¯ve only been felt in the heart had caused a rush of blood to the head. Now that I lost my job, and struggled to find work, my confidence was fading away. It wasn¡¯t Anya¡¯s job to give me confidence, and heaping that responsibility on her shoulders on top of everything else she dealt with was selfish, if not cruel. For the first time, I put a woman on a pedestal and tried to knock her off of it before she could spit down on me. With women in the past, that treatment was warranted, but doing that to Anya was not.

    ME: ¡°I hope your mom and dad are doing well. Thinking of you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°They are thank you.¡±

    She responded an hour later which led me to believe Jackson may have visited along with her. Remembering the conversation, she had with her father when she visited with her parents the last time, it didn¡¯t take a rocket scientist to figure out Jackson mentioned something to him about Anya¡¯s behavior over the last year. I put nothing past Jackson¡ªeven a hit against me. Since I feared a life without Anya more than death, I could care less about watching my back. We seemed to be like two galaxies destined to collide¡ªconstruction by destruction, the natural circle.

    At six that same evening, I texted her again.

    ME: ¡°R u still at your parents?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yes¡±

    ME: ¡°Sorry. Thought you might have been home.¡±

    When I didn¡¯t hear back from her for the rest of the night, my depreciating self-worth left me feeling more depressed than ever, even on Zoloft. When not even a powerful anti-depressant could stop my spiraling negative emotions, I felt true hopelessness on a scale never experienced before. There were two sides of me, and maybe even more. One side felt all the love in the world and beyond for her¡ªwas willing to do anything, even die for her. I only wanted to listen to the part of me ruled by my heart. I wanted to understand how she was torn between me and losing her kids. The second part of me however, ruled by a mind obliterated by lies and deceit in the past was starting to take over. I tried to fend it off with Vicodin and Zoloft, but it carried the truth of my past with it¡ªsomething I was made certain of before that kept me from trusting the unknown variable. The mind ruled part of me only knew disappointment and instinctively knew what it felt like¡ªno woman has ever been honest with me before.

    Anya believed she would lose fifty percent of her time spent with the kids. She must¡¯ve also believed Katie and Andrew¡¯s grades would fall, therefore affecting their future if she left Jackson for me. Maybe that was the part of her that felt she betrayed her kids, but to love me and not be with me even down the road, holding to the belief being with me would destroy their futures wasn¡¯t right either. It just felt like Anya knew what she was going to do from day one¡ªhit me with a love bomb hard enough I¡¯d be crazy to ever question her intentions and love when the time came to hit me with what she planned to do all along¡ªthen accuse me of breaking her heart. The truth was she would not only break my heart, but hers as well¡ªa sacrifice she was willing to make since she stood to not lose much of anything.

    The cold hard truth I started to learn was simply this¡ªshe stayed for the kids because she believed they would not have the best things in life if she were with me. This is why the part of me I didn¡¯t want to listen to, the one I fought off, was winning the battle over my heart. By opening my heart to her, she did the one thing I trusted her never to do¡ªpass judgment on me. She loved me but feared telling me the one thing that she had to know would end us¡ªI wasn¡¯t good enough for her to be with¡ªI was best kept as the eternal secret. The possibility that I had been gaslighted was hard to believe. I didn¡¯t want to admit I was that much of a fool, but I was. Katie would not be able to fulfill her dream of Harvard if she was with me. She wouldn¡¯t have the finer things in life if she was with me, so she makes the sacrifice to stay in her marriage because if it hurts my kids, they don¡¯t get the best things in life money can buy, then I¡¯m staying with the monster I told you that betrayed me. And if I ever dared to disagree with Anya¡¯s perception of me? She¡¯d let me go that easily. It was a super fucked up thing to do to someone¡ªto encourage and allow them to fall in love with you only to be judged and discarded by them in the end. To have the same woman, who once told me I broke her heart after I walked away from her only because she was married, then tell me I shouldn¡¯t be closed to meeting other people after she had broken me was wrong. I couldn¡¯t believe someone who I shared all those beautiful moments that meant everything to me would not see how cruel those texts were, and those words she told me at dinner in San Francisco¡ªshe had no grounds to do what she did to me. Anxiety gripped me to know I¡¯d have to see her as the monster she may have been all along, if I had any chance at having a life again. I believed she loved me, but she gave me false hope leading me to trust her love for me was so great, she couldn¡¯t live without me. I was learning she sat on the fence way too much for her love to be as strong as she led me to believe. She may not have been in love with her husband, but she wasn¡¯t ambivalent to her marriage for a reason too. She played a game of semantics with my heart¡ªshe had forgiven the philanderer before she met me. She may have not been in love with Jackson but she still loved him if she still had sex with him. When I remembered when she told me there was no joy in her life before she met me, yet now she tells me she is happy when her kids are happy? If that¡¯s the case, she couldn¡¯t have ever had any real intentions to leave her marriage for me no matter what I did. If the kids were happy and she was happy when her kids were, then she was never sad enough to leave the world of comfort he provided her. As all these negative thoughts started to slowly turn into bits of likely truths, if she couldn¡¯t understand the reasons why I became so sensitive to everything she did, she never would and she never cared anyway.

    I believed in a mother¡¯s sacrifice, but not after nearly two years after a serious relationship with another man. A mother¡¯s sacrifice should¡¯ve been made after the man before me had left her, not after the second man came into her life. Her marriage of entitlement started to rub me in the most horrific of ways. I don¡¯t doubt her love for me. Her love for me only existed because she didn¡¯t need me for money, she had a sucker already for that. Her love for me only existed in fantasy¡ªin the world of secrecy. When her secret world was threatened, her love was so strong for me that her only impulse was to let me go. I don¡¯t believe Anya was looking for a Sugar Daddy, she already had one of those, but money for her kids was what mattered to her the most now. It made me feel my heart was just fun and games to her, but when it came down to reality compromising the fantasy, she ran.

    Not one time had Anya ever told me over the course of the last twenty months that she would ¡°love for you to meet my kids one day¡±. Not one single time yet shared enough intimate details about their lives with me that it made me feel l knew them as well as anyone. She even told me I knew Katie better than any other man¡ªincluding Jackson. A profound statement that left me so proud, had actually served an entirely different purpose¡ªto only make me feel better after she let me go. She told me she shared the lives of her kids with me because she wanted to share the most important thing in her life with the man she loved. I believed it for twenty months without question. Now it seemed she shared their lives with me because she wanted me to feel the same fears she did for them. So, when the time came to leave me, like she always planned to do, I¡¯d have a hard time believing she had planned to stay a long time before she found Katie¡¯s essay. If she had said she wanted me to know them one day, I¡¯d feel differently about this but she never did¡ªthe man she claimed to love. To know after all the love we shared, in the eyes of the woman who loved me, I was never good enough to meet her kids, just good enough to tell me about them, stung beyond words. Even as these thoughts scorched my mind for the first time, it was still too hard to give up on the dream of meeting her kids one day. What made it impossible, was that I knew if this relationship didn¡¯t work out, I would never have kids¡ªthat what I felt in my heart for Anya would never feel right with anyone else. What made it even more agonizing was that no matter how much I explained this to her, which I never would, the woman who loved me would only refuse to understand.

    After Jackson got into my Facebook account, Anya no longer saw me as the man who came into her life to save her, but as the man who wrecked her life. In her mind, by posting about Las Vegas and San Francisco on my Facebook account to my small circle of friends, I had effectively wrecked her life and her kids would hate her when Jackson divorced her for it. After twenty months together, in a relationship she entirely initiated and controlled, she still refused to own up to her own reasons for needing to feel loved in life. Jackson¡¯s money covered up all his wrongs¡ªhow could I compete against that any longer? With each dollar she accepted from him, the more I felt betrayed by it. She never cared about having a love story¡ªshe didn¡¯t even dream about love as a child. She had always placed more value on having money and things and it was beginning to shine through how little love mattered to her. It was all unrealistic to her even after all we shared. She wanted me to be thankful for feeling love? She essentially had taken the last life boat, leaving me on a sinking ship. In her eyes, Jackson was a normal man, and I was crazy to believe in love enough to feel all I did.

    I even began to contemplate the only reason Debbie and Carolyn adored me was because Anya told them ¡°If it didn¡¯t work out, Landyn would be a big boy¡± and that ¡°he would rather be hurt than to hurt her kids¡±. Here I thought she would tell them the truth¡ªshe wanted to be with a man who loved her, and not with one who didn¡¯t. Instead, she built up Jackson and made it seem if I pushed back, that I was a liar and wanted to hurt her kids. She basically took away all of my leverage and all I got into this relationship for. Instead of making Jackson out to be the snake, she found a way to make me a King Cobra. It wouldn¡¯t surprise me to know that Carolyn and Debbie both believed Anya¡¯s current relationship carried no consequences for her¡ªthe reason why a woman would suddenly have respect for a ¡°nice guy¡±. What bothered me the most about what she likely told Carolyn and Debbi was what made her think I had ever gotten involved with her if she told me the reason she was still there was because of the kids? Did they really believe I¡¯d have been in a relationship with her for this long knowing going in that she was there because she was afraid, she would hurt the kids if she left? I hated to disappoint the girls, but Anya had been dishonest with them about me¡ªanother reason I started to feel betrayed.

    When I went to bed that night, I prepared myself to not hear from Anya for days. Each time I contacted her, it seemed I wrecked her life in some way, so I decided to wait. If she viewed me as a burden now, I would choose silence.

    As I chose silence, she chose to end it.

    ANYA: ¡°Sorry I couldn¡¯t talk yesterday. Lots of family drama.¡±

    It startled me to hear my phone text tone¡ªI didn¡¯t expect to hear from her, let alone this early.

    ME: ¡°It¡¯s ok. Not related to you, right?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°My dad is grumpy.¡±

    ME: ¡°Was he giving u a hard time about not visiting again?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Kinda. I haven¡¯t been around for 2 years and it¡¯s my fault. All my fault and I know it.¡±

    After I read her text, it was clear¡ªJackson whined to Anya¡¯s parents. It was no coincidence her father brought up the same time frame Anya and I had been seeing each other.

    ME: ¡°It¡¯s not your fault. You¡¯re really busy with the kids. How would you even find the time to visit? It¡¯s not like you live down the street. It¡¯s not your fault. Please remember that.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Thanks.¡±

    I didn¡¯t want to disagree with her father¡ªhe was the man who raised her and put a roof over her head. What he felt was much more significant than my feelings about it. Generally, how often did parents visit their parents? I could easily visit my mother¡ªI had no kids and was basically single. On the flip side of things, Anya was always busy running her kids around. From Andrew¡¯s baseball games to Katies¡¯ recitals, there was not a single time Anya mentioned her parents came to see them unless she decided not to share that with me. In Jackson¡¯s sick mind, he was the victim in all of this. The man who instigated the abuse and spurred the indiscretions was the one who need to be consoled and recognized as the hero trying to save his marriage for the kids. Jackson knew Anya has grown more over the last two years than she did in twenty years with him. Little did I know, Jackson was seething behind the scenes conspiring to destroy us, by first destroying me. That somehow Anya was just under some kind of spell by a monster who wanted to take her away from him and the kids for no good reason at all. He painted himself as the loving father and husband to Anya¡¯s father and it disgusted me. Jackson respected her parents so much that he had no problem lying to them.

    ME: ¡°If you need to let off some steam, I¡¯m here for you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Thank you. I¡¯m ok. What r u doing today?¡±

    When I read her text, it got my hopes up she may be up for a bookstore run.

    ME: ¡°No plans other than firing out my resume. What r u doing today?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I just got home w/Andrew. Have to work today. You guessed it, playing catch up.¡±

    ME: ¡°Well if you can find time to get away for tea or some good Boston literature, let me know.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Thx but today is not a good day.¡±

    Her coarse response came off as a rebuke more than disappointment. Whatever her father told her yesterday, she believed and respected every word of it.

    ME: ¡°No problem. I just thought I¡¯d mention it just in case there was a chance.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Thank u I appreciate that.¡±

    After our text exchange, it left me too depressed to look for work. It seemed my drive to succeed was dying along with my sense of self-worth. If I couldn¡¯t get a woman who called herself my soulmate to see the good in me, then what hope was there? Being buried alive in the present, the dirt thrown upon me blinded my future. After losing my job after eight wasted years busting my tail in the public accounting profession, it took my ambition along with it. With the way things seemed to be headed with Anya, I don¡¯t know when I¡¯d be mentally prepared to work for someone again. To help deal with the anguish from losing my job and seemingly Anya, I took more Vicodin when visiting my mother, on top of the Zoloft. Feeling too depressed to look for work, my car drove me to the same movie theater again near Anya¡¯s home. In the middle of the movie, ¡°Funny People¡±, she sent me a text, and I immediately left the theater to respond¡ªhiding the fact I was close by once again.

    ANYA: ¡°How r u feeling?¡±

    ME: ¡°My back feels a lot better thanks. I¡¯ve been resting it quite a bit. R u having a birthday party for Katie? Her B-day is coming up isn¡¯t it?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Good memory! No, she wanted to go see Boston and that¡¯s her gift. I know it¡¯s premature but I hope it will inspire her.¡±

    ME: ¡°Never premature to start preparing for college when she has a bright future ahead of her.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°We¡¯ll see!¡±

    After our brief exchange I ran back into the theater to finish the movie. Comical actors Seth Rogen and Adam Sandler both had roles in ¡°Funny People¡±, but the movie was far from funny to me. Adam Sandler¡¯s character dated a married woman and Seth Rogen ripped into him about breaking up a family. Adam Sandler¡¯s response was ¡°The guy¡¯s an asshole.¡± Jackson was more than an ¡°asshole¡±, he was a sociopath and an abusive husband in my eyes. Also, Anya initiated the relationship and yes I willingly participated but it was based on my trust in her that she wouldn¡¯t have allowed me to fall in love if this hurt the kids. It was hard for me not to believe she didn¡¯t judge me for living in a one-bedroom apartment and that Carolyn and Debbie made that known to her. I knew women changed their minds, but changing her mind in this situation was beyond deceitful and cowardly. Especially after I lost my job because of our relationship. If I had ever believed for a second that falling in love with Anya would be looked upon as ¡°breaking up a family¡± rather than saving someone from an emotional and mental abusive marriage, I would¡¯ve never been involved. It took me years to get past Denise¡ªI simply would¡¯ve never considered her heart¡ªI couldn¡¯t afford to be burned by another woman. I didn¡¯t have a hard time understanding the ¡°kid¡± thing, I loved her kids, but I didn¡¯t understand how she could play the ¡°kid¡± card after allowing me to fall so madly in love with her. I wanted to see the love in her not being able to stop herself from falling for me, but it brought me a great deal of anguish and loss. Whenever I couldn¡¯t help being hurt by her inconsistent behavior, her only resolution was to let me go. She called it loving me, but it was punishment because she knew damn well I couldn¡¯t just turn off these feelings like a faucet¡ªshe knew it would only hurt me more.

    Maybe subconsciously, her goal was to always drive me crazy¡ªat least make me mad enough for her to fear me so she had an excuse to walk away. Now, instead of being her hero, because I wanted her to leave her marriage and live an honest life¡ªI was now a monster, unworthy of a promise, always the dirty secret. For her to be unwilling to at least make a promise to leave, was vicious at this point. To tell me her kids would be hurt, knowing full well kids are always somewhat affected by a divorce, was the most disrespectful thing a woman had ever done to me¡ªespecially after all we shared and giving her more than everything I had to give. I couldn¡¯t deny the romance between us was dying because of how her perception of our relationship had changed. I just didn¡¯t feel the love from her anymore. I knew she loved me in the form that suited her best, but that was all I knew. It¡¯s not like I wanted her to found out, but why continue to live a lie? What kind of example is that setting? These negative feelings were torn against the fact I needed her. I could criticize her all day long, but at the end of the day¡ªshe was everything to me. I didn¡¯t want to accept the negative feelings¡ªit¡¯s why I took Vicodin and Zoloft. In essence, it was beginning to look like I fought the truth. If that was the case, how could I ask Anya to be true to herself if I wasn¡¯t accepting the truth about my predicament?

    If she was happy when her kids were happy, even after she led me to believe I brought joy back into her life, then she had no real plans to ever leave him. She made a promise to her kids to never leave him¡ªwithout telling me she made that promise when we met, and that¡¯s why she was still there and not because no one would want to be with her because she had ¡°baggage¡±. She was right about having baggage, but it was not the kids¡ªpurely a history of deceiving and hurting others and now I was next in line to wear the crown¡ªKing Stupid. The cold reality was she won¡¯t hurt her kids, but she had no problem hurting me¡ªas if choosing to be with me would ruin their lives forever. If she believed that for a second, she couldn¡¯t have truly been in love with me¡ªever. As these thoughts bounced against and tore through my head, I forced myself to fall asleep as my life fell apart at the seams.

    While preparing to face a new harsh and grim reality, she contacted me the next morning.

    ANYA: ¡°How r u? I¡¯ve been pressured to open up a FB account by my friends, but I¡¯m not sure if I want to. I¡¯m such a private person. I don¡¯t even like people googling me! Did you know people actually pay to find info out on other people? That just sucks! I don¡¯t think that¡¯s right and it¡¯s such an invasion. It¡¯s so private. What would people do that? I guess I just don¡¯t want people to read anything about me unless I volunteer my info. You know first hand what that¡¯s like. Idk guess I¡¯m just on the fence and not sure.¡±

    I didn¡¯t know what to make of this. Why would she suddenly feel pressure to open up a Facebook account? Even bringing up that ¡°people pay people to find info on other people¡±? Then she further asks ¡°why do people do that¡±? I wanted to text her back ¡°why don¡¯t you ask your husband?¡±. As much as I didn¡¯t understand why her friends pushed her to open a Facebook account, I tried to be supportive.

    ME: ¡°You should consider it. I ran into some old friends from way back and current. It might also be a good networking tool for business too. I know people can pay to find out info on other people. It¡¯s so stupid. I don¡¯t like it when you think info is private and it¡¯s not.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I think all personal info is private unless you tell the person your info. I just don¡¯t know if I should.¡±

    ME: ¡°I agree with you. You don¡¯t have to share¡ªyou can just comment on what your friends share. You won¡¯t have to volunteer your private info if you don¡¯t want to.¡±

    After our morning conversation, I felt more inspired to look for work, firing off a few more resumes out to employers seeking help. After several weeks without any invitations for an interview, it seemed the recession made it much more difficult to find work. As I sat there believing the worst was yet to come, Anya texted me again.

    ANYA: ¡°What r u doing today?¡±

    Her question forged me out from behind my misery, lifting my spirits hoping there was a possibility to see her.

    ME: ¡°I have no plans. What r u doing?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Andrew has camps so I¡¯m in between camps right now. I feel like crying and idk why.¡±

    I didn¡¯t think it was possible to have my heart broken in two ways¡ªone by her and one for her. I didn¡¯t want to assume, as horrible as this seemed, but I hoped it was because she missed me and struggled, like I did. Then again, I recalled when Denise did the exact same thing just before she dropped the bomb on me. Was this a tactical move?

    ME: ¡°Awww babe, why?¡±

    I waited fifteen minutes for a response before I sent her another text.

    ME: ¡°Ok, you got me worried about you. How is your dad treating you? Do you need to talk about that? I can be a good listener, you know.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°No, the last thing I want is for you to be worried about me. Just needed to tell someone that¡¯s all. Just take it for what it is. Maybe going through PMS or something. Sorry.¡±

    The last thing, a woman who loved me, wanted was for me to be worried about her? Why was that? Because I¡¯d actually get to love you the way you loved me? If I couldn¡¯t worry about the woman I loved, then who could I ever worry about? Maybe her telling me she was crying was just another one of those nuances I never knew before about women¡ªlike them changing their minds all the time. Or maybe she felt alone because both Andrew and Katie were at camps? Realizing what her life would be like without love? She didn¡¯t want me to worry about her for one simple fact, she didn¡¯t want to hear her truth come from me. If she never listened to the man she loved, who loved her, then she¡¯d never listen to anyone.

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m here for you in any and every way. I love you, you know.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I know. Thank you.¡±

    ME: ¡°Maybe you¡¯re missing your daughter?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°No, just emotional that¡¯s all.¡±

    ME: ¡°It¡¯s natural for me to worry about you.¡±

    When she didn¡¯t respond with an ¡°I love you, too¡±, I knew the reason for her tears¡ªshe had given up on us, her hope, wishes and dreams were dead. Sadly, I started to believe they existed under false pretenses.

    A few hours later, I texted her to see how she was doing.

    ME: ¡°R u feeling better?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yes I cried and all better!¡±

    ME: ¡°Good! ??¡±

    Although I was happy Anya felt better, deep down I was disappointed¡ªhoping her emotions would spark her to leave Jackson or to make me a promise to leave him. If she believed by making me a promise would be an act of betraying her kids¡ªI¡¯d feel beyond betrayed by that. After all she told me about Jackson that led me to the greatest sense of mental anguish I¡¯ve ever felt. As much as I wanted to fight it¡ªI could feel no other way.

    Anya and I had been using instant messenger in our Blackberry phones to communicate instead of texting, so I decided to use our old way of communication when I reached out to her later that evening.

    ANYA: ¡°Hey you¡¯re back to texting! I¡¯m ok. How r u doing? This is really hard.¡±

    Her response suggested why she refused to tell me about the reasons for her tears¡ªshe didn¡¯t want to get into it with me¡ªjeopardizing what little we had left.

    ME: ¡°I thought I would throw you a curveball! I was going to email you and really throw you off! It¡¯s really hard for me too. Was thinking about our dinner together. Did you start a FB account?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°No I didn¡¯t. Still on the fence. So, idk what to do about us except one day at a time but that is very hard too. Your thoughts?¡±

    I didn¡¯t know what she asked of me. Why was opening up a Facebook account so hard for her? Would she post pictures of her and Jackson up on it? Or was it the only tool she had left to stay connected with me? Or was she out to destroy us for good? Wouldn¡¯t she have to advertise the fa?ade of her marriage if she did open up a Facebook account? Or did she really miss and love me more than ever? Or was she planning to hurt me with it?

    ME: ¡°We are at the height of our love.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°How so? We don¡¯t even see each other?¡±

    Was this by Anya¡¯s design or was she just too busy with the kids? We only saw each other when she was available anyway, but if she refused to make herself available then what could I do? Was this why she was happy with any shape or form?

    I decided to throw her a fastball down the middle¡ªto keep the pressure on her to face her truth. To face the reality her tears revealed earlier, and to trust in her love for me so I could hope to catch her.

    ME: ¡°Women change their minds all the time. I¡¯m going with that.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Hahaha! You kill me! Too funny!¡±

    ME: ¡°Isn¡¯t it a woman¡¯s prerogative to change her mind?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°It is! No joke!¡±

    ME: ¡°I know this much. I miss you as much as you miss me. Do you feel he is watching your every move right now?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yes and yes.¡±

    When she answered duplicate affirmatives, the real reason behind her tears became clear, and they tasted of sugar, not of salt.

    ANYA: ¡°Tea tomorrow?¡±

    ME: ¡°Would love to do tea. What time?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°10:15 or 1:30 pm. Won¡¯t know till about 8:30 am. Ok to let u know then?¡±

    ME: ¡°Yes that¡¯s fine!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ok thank u!¡±

    ME: ¡°Thank u!¡±

    Laying my phone upon my chest in bed, I breathed a monster sigh of relief. Upon realizing I was on her side of the bed, I wondered if the next day would bring us closer together or closer to the end. I didn¡¯t want to believe all the accumulating negative emotions my mind fed me every second of the day, at least for another hour just so I could fall asleep in peace¡ªto dream of a miracle.

 CHAPTER 16 ~ TOIL AND TURMOIL

    ¡°I could be great like Tennessee Williams,

    if I could only hear somethin¡¯ that sounds like the truth.¡±

    ~ ¡°Lies¡± Elton John

    The last time we met was nearly a month ago¡ªanything could happen. One of the conditions of our revised agreement was the pinky swear, so if she veered off the side of the pinky swear road and onto the path to nowhere, she couldn¡¯t blame me. While waiting anxiously to see her, she messaged me that morning about our meeting time.

    ANYA: ¡°Looks like 1:30 today. Hope that¡¯s ok with you.¡±

    Anytime worked fine for me these days after losing my promotion to partner. Tired of feeling trapped inside my apartment, I brought the laptop to The Good Morning caf¨¦ a couple of hours before our meeting to fire out some resumes. Upon reading my journals the night before, this meeting marked our ninety second face to face interaction. Since I no longer did accounting for businesses, I now accounted for the only company that mattered to me. Peering out the window outside the caf¨¦ at the world around me, a world I suddenly found myself thrusted in, it astonished me how many people were in the coffee shop¡ªat a time I believed most people were too busy making a living. A packed coffee shop at eleven in the morning meant the recession hit more people than I believed it would. It was bittersweet knowing that I wasn¡¯t the only person having a hard time finding work. The job postings were minimal on this day¡ªmost of them were opportunities I had already applied for. Money wasn¡¯t much of a concern, I had enough to last me for a year, but I also didn¡¯t want to lose all I saved up. I was on the cusp of a house purchase and I didn¡¯t want to lose that dream¡ªthe chance to build some equity. I had also saved up for travels to Tahiti, Seattle and Europe with Anya. My dream of a proposal under a lighted Eiffel Tower still reigned supreme in my head regardless of all the negativity.

    At fifteen minutes past one, I ordered a hot green tea for myself and a non-sweetened passion iced tea for Anya. Then packing up my laptop, I went to my car and sat there waiting for her to arrive. Taking note this was twelfth day of August, I started reminiscing about the time she visited me a year ago, while walking ahead of me at five in the morning, her pony tail bouncing up and down, leading me to my own apartment in the dark--a beautiful morning together. Remembering the happiness of that moment compared to what I felt during the week brought me chills¡ªI couldn¡¯t believe how things have gone so downhill. The feeling of excitement to see her never faded, but the fear of what I felt afterwards, or what she might say when we saw each other was greater. Feeling Jackson¡¯s stalking of me on Facebook gave her grounds to leave him, I feared my emotions would inspire me to say the wrong thing. If no trust existed in her marriage before though, it was now official¡ªthere was no trust in their marriage. How could she possibly repair the most significant thing in a marriage considering the history of gross infidelities between them? They didn¡¯t have to get into the details with their kids, but at this point, Jackson and Anya, both owed it to them to be honest about the inequities in their marriage, and how important that was to have¡ªthat they should settle for nothing less but an equitable and honest partnership with their future spouses. They could make it amicable for their benefit, but Jackson¡¯s money seemed to be the real reason why she stayed¡ªnot because no one would be with her because she had kids. I loved her so much, I didn¡¯t know if I could be upset with her for being dishonest about that. She owed me the real reason why she remained married to Jackson, but she viewed our connection as too overwhelming for her to discourage me. In other words, being honest about the reason why she was still there was truly what she couldn¡¯t help from doing. How could I be upset at someone, especially someone as stunningly beautiful as she was, who wanted to be with me that much? For us to experience all we did without pause then throwing out ¡°what about my kids?¡± card, branding me a homewrecker and her an adulterer was really hard for me to accept. If we were having sex in bathroom stalls, then that would be understandable, but she led me to believe there was goodness in us. If she didn¡¯t truly believe that, then it left me to feel betrayed. My negative emotions were spurred by her perception of the damage our love would cause others after being allowed to love freely.

    When she arrived, her hair, face, scent and clothes in beautiful order, she told me she ¡°only¡± had a half hour. Handing over her drink, I told her I understood. As soon as our usual drive to Cascade Park ended, it didn¡¯t take more than a few seconds to catch up on lost time. After fifteen minutes of groping and kissing, she fired some questions at me¡ªa side of her I hadn¡¯t really experienced before. Her line of questioning was far from prodding¡ªasking about my back, my mom, my job search, and my therapy. Just having her in my direct line of sight only enhanced the wonders of any drug I took to deal with the daily anguish of not being together. When I tried to talk about us and how hard it¡¯s been, she would just fire back with another sweet question, refusing to abandon our pinky swear agreement. She truly wanted to savor the moment and it told me what I really needed to know¡ªshe had no plans to give up on us.

    ¡°I think you must be out of the white truffle oil.¡± she stated, smiling.

    ¡°Oh no, I still have so¡­¡± I replied, before getting her point. ¡°I mean I¡¯m out! I¡¯m all out!¡±

    She leaned into me amused at my response¡ªit healed me just to hear her laughter. Her subtle way of wanting an excuse to come visit me just meant the absolute world to me at a time I desperately needed to feel her love again¡ªconsistent with her texts about loving and missing me more than ever since our time in San Francisco. She then showed me some knuckle abrasions and new bruises and looked up at me to tell me it was from kickboxing¡ªno doubt they came courtesy of the turmoil Jackson caused us. I¡¯m sure some of the things I did made her angry as well, but she was my life and losing her didn''t just feel like a death sentence¡ªit was a death sentence. I felt bad about the grief I gave her because I loved her to death. Her father, Jackson and then there was me she had to deal with. I just wished my mind was overruled by heart so I could feel her suffering. It was hard when I suffered too and part of my anger was not being able to wrest away my heart from my mind. My wicked haunted past of disappointment put our relationship in jeopardy as much as Anya¡¯s indecision did.

    After softly rubbing my finger against her tiny knuckles, I looked upon her glowing tanned face, leaving me speechless. Every time I got lost in her, it felt like the first time I felt love for her. The way her entire face lit up when she smiled just floored me each and every time. And I was a lucky man simply because something I said inspired her to floor me. The way she looked back at me; I knew this feeling would never hit me the same way ever again if I lost her. All I could do was pray that my mind wouldn¡¯t crush my heart. As we drove back to where our cars were¡ªparked next to each other just like we were at the moment. An eeriness fell upon me¡ªan unexplainable ominous sense¡ªlike this would be the last time we will ever see each other. Then again, I treated every meeting the same way; never knowing when, or if, I¡¯d see her again.

    After watching her jump out of my car in a rush and into hers before driving away, I felt a sudden sadness I hadn¡¯t felt before. Thirty minutes came and went like it was thirty seconds--that¡¯s all the time we had now¡ªmaybe all the time I was worth. A thirty-minute fix before my emotions ate me alive. Leaving me to worry that even with white truffle oil in tow, her love seemingly morphed into a relationship of convenience, and maybe that¡¯s why it felt like love to her. She only loved me because the relationship existed on her terms.

    When she left that day, it felt like it would be the last time I¡¯d ever see her. After returning to my apartment, I got distracted by a new ¡°ping¡± instant messenger feature on my Blackberry phone.

    ME: ¡°PING!!! I loved seeing you, I miss you. You smelled sooo good!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Thank u for my tea! It was really nice to see u too! I miss you and I love you!¡±

    ME: ¡°I love you!¡±

    Her uninitiated ¡°I love you¡± lit me up inside, helping me get through the day. When I didn¡¯t hear back from her that evening, a feeling of insecurity raged inside me enough to send a good night message.

    ME: ¡°I loved seeing you today. I don¡¯t care if it was only for a half an hour, it was worth every minute and I cherished it. Just wanted you to know I love you and I had fun today. It was a good time. Goodnight.¡±

    By instant messaging her, I could see if she read it or not, and she did but never responded. It brought me back to my online dating days before I met her¡ªwhen I noticed a potential date read the email I sent and chose not to respond. Although it didn¡¯t feel the same, but it kept me up a little later than it should have on this night.

    The next morning, Anya alleviated my fears.

    ANYA: ¡°Good morning! Thank you for the message last night. It was really nice to see you. Thank you for meeting me and my tea which I finished!¡±

    Her text didn¡¯t feel as loving as mine was. Fighting back my sensitivity to something that was likely the result of a frantic morning and day for her, I responded.

    ME: ¡°Good morning! I can¡¯t believe you finished the tea!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I did! It was perfect! So whatcha doin¡¯ today?¡±

    I always held out hope there might be a chance to see her whenever she asked me what I was doing, so I purposely made myself look available to her.

    ME: ¡°Eat lunch. Oh, and take my pill. I don¡¯t know Riley personally, but I feel like I¡¯m living his or her life.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Wow! Well u enjoy Riley¡¯s life!¡±

    Her response felt a tad rigid to me¡ªit didn¡¯t seem we were on the same page. I then recalled to when she told me she was doing her nursing CEU¡¯s but doubted she would ever go back because it would hurt her financially. That maybe she was bummed I wasn¡¯t looking for work so she could leave Jackson and start our future together? What I hadn¡¯t convinced myself of yet, even as I fired resumes off and heard nothing back, was how mentally exhausted I was. Eight years of the grind of public accounting busy seasons and my own emotional struggles with Anya had taken a toll on me without me realizing it. It was also completely possible that the Zoloft left me feeling careless¡ªmaking me complacent with my current work situation. In what was becoming the worst recession in this country¡¯s history, this was not a good time to become lackadaisical. I decided to lobby a return back to her.

    ME: ¡°What r u up to? Why am I tired?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Workin! Lots to do! What else! Ha! Just leaving to take Andrew to his tutor! You¡¯re a night owl!¡±

    ME: ¡°You¡¯re an early bird!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yup¡±

    ME: ¡°Wish I was an early bird though.¡±

    After this exchange, I recalled her tears from the other day, likely brought on by stress and fatigue. If anyone was emotionally exhausted, it was Anya. On top of the stress, she faced as a mother, it broke my heart to know I caused a portion of it, if not all of it, with my emotions. To see her bruised shins and bloodied knuckles, there was no doubt she felt the same emotions I did. One thing was certain, she handled them a lot better than I did. With a mental job, I couldn¡¯t turn to a punching bag or kickboxing dummy for a few hours a day¡ªI needed something to help throughout the day. With the onslaught of emotional anguish, I felt each day, I worried if I could ever work in public accounting ever again¡ªnot being mentally strong enough anymore.

    When I figured she may be at lunch, I sent her an IM.

    ME: ¡°How¡¯s your work day coming along? Lots of work huh?¡±

    When I didn¡¯t hear back from her, I sent her a few more follow-up texts.

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m sure you¡¯re stressed out. I don¡¯t know how you get any work done when you have to run the kids back and forth too.¡±

    ME: ¡°You¡¯re an amazing woman.¡±

    ME: ¡°Just thinking about you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ha! That¡¯s just it! I don¡¯t get any work done! That¡¯s why I¡¯m always playing ¡°catch up¡±! I never do actually catch up!¡±

    ME: ¡°I know, babe! I don¡¯t think anyone who does all you do would catch up either.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ha!¡±

    I told myself I wouldn¡¯t text or message her. She didn¡¯t seem to be in a good mood today so I decided I¡¯d just let her be, but a few hours later I texted her anyway.

    ME: ¡°How¡¯s your day going?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Just picking up Andrew from Bday party then making dinner then back to football practice in Los Al.¡±

    ME: ¡°Ok just seeing how ur doing.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Thx for checking. Just busy. How r u?¡±

    After telling her ¡°I¡¯m doing good¡±, disappointment festered when she stopped sharing her true feelings about her life at home with me¡ªat a time Jackson hounded her. It brought me back to our very first meeting¡ªwhen she told me her husband promised before they were married that she wouldn¡¯t have to work, yet now that¡¯s exactly what she did. She tried to reel me in with that but it wasn¡¯t enough for me to buy it. In order to make a better sales pitch, she then made a date with me to let me know even more¡ªthe real hook she put in the water. And I bit down hard on it, because I identified with her emotional anguish. Then I did the unthinkable¡ªI walked away from her because she was married. Not because she had kids, because she told me they were ¡°baggage¡± no man wanted to deal with, but because she was still married to a douchebag. When we reconnected, and she told me I had broken her heart, I did the unthinkable once again¡ªI put all of my trust in her that she never would misrepresent her situation to me. Now, I came to learn she did just that. She told me a version of the truth when we met in the beginning, but never the entire truth and now I suffered greatly for loving her. Even worse yet, she judged me for caring about her¡ªfor being loving enough to trust in everything she told me. The more she acted differently from the girl I trusted, the more I began to believe she betrayed me all along. I didn¡¯t know whether to love her or hate her for the love she gave me. I just hated feeling this way and I couldn¡¯t believe someone who truly loved me would ever allow it.

    Before I went to bed, I IM¡¯d her to try to give her good feelings at a time I felt they were beginning to wane.

    ME: ¡°I was just reading a message you sent me on March 5<sup>th</sup> of this year. We hadn¡¯t seen eachother in over a month and you asked me ¡°Does your mom go in for chemo today?¡± And then you followed ¡°I could meet you towards SP if u want.¡± First you remembered the days my mom had her treatments then you offered to meet me towards my Mom¡¯s house. You¡¯re such a sweetheart. I¡¯m just missing you. Have a goodnight.¡±

    Her love for me had changed, morphing into the physical so she could distance herself emotionally from me¡ªlike men who cheated on their wives usually did. If Anya viewed our relationship the way Jackson treated his, she would look for no reasons to leave, and I¡¯d never see that promise she promised, that she would be with me if she fell in love with me, the day we decided to give it a try. Careless feelings created from Zoloft alleviated most of the pressure I gave her, but this also aided in me not caring to find work¡ªsuppressing my drive for success that helped me handle all urgent matters. It only made me forget the urgency in all things allowing more room for stress.

    The next morning, Anya responded to my message, but not through an IM, but rather through a text.

    ANYA: ¡°Morning! Hope you had a goodnight!¡±

    I knew she was stressed out and unhappy, but I felt my text warranted a better response from someone who claimed to ¡°love¡± me ¡°more than ever¡±. It felt like walking right into a buzzsaw each time I texted her now.

    ME: ¡°When you get a chance, could you fill me in on how you¡¯re feeling and what¡¯s going on these days at your home? Thank you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m good! Just going into KB! Will message you when I get out. U ok?¡±

    Kickboxing classes have become popular outlets for people to take out their frustrations on a punching bag. Her knuckle abrasions and leg bruises told me she was far from good these days. I had lost my job and struggled to find work. She told me a man needs to know a woman can change her mind in a split second. A woman needed to know a man¡¯s worth is defined by his ability to make money. If she believed I was ¡°good¡±, she should know better.

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m ok just getting a different vibe from you ever since FB. Just let me know what you¡¯re thinking. I have no clue.¡±

    Her ¡°Morning! Hope you had a good night!¡± text after what I sent her the night before felt both cold and cruel. I wasn¡¯t looking to argue with her¡ªI just needed to know what she was thinking since she never communicated much with me anymore¡ªclaiming she was afraid I¡¯d ¡°overanalyze¡± things like any man who truly loved her with his entire being would. When I sent this text, I didn¡¯t think I¡¯d hear back from her for hours, but she texted me right after she was out of class.

    ANYA: ¡°I don¡¯t like where I am in my life.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m constantly stressed out and I don¡¯t like it.¡±

    When I read her texts, I didn¡¯t know how to interpret them. Did she see me as adding to the stress in her life and viewed me as the problem? Then I thought back to something she told me a while back¡ªthat she never felt stressed when she was with me, just happiness. What she shared wasn¡¯t about me, but about her. The stress came from her knowing what she had to do, but not having the strength to do it. A major reason I fought for Anya was because I didn¡¯t like to see her being constantly stressed. It could easily take her life one day and I refused to allow that to happen without a fight. Jackson didn¡¯t give a shit¡ªI did.

    ME: ¡°I understand. Well, let¡¯s talk after KB. Heading to the gym. I¡¯m just going to run for a half hour.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Have a good workout.¡±

    There are moms who do the world for their kids and their husbands, but could you imagine doing so much for someone who betrayed you? Then if she were to leave, her husband would villainize her to their kids, telling them ¡°Look at what Mommy did to Daddy!¡±. Jackson had stalked me through Facebook, ran to the head partner at my firm and cried on their shoulders. After his sense of entitlement caused me to lose my job, he began to hound her every move. Jackson thought he was destroying me, when he went out of his way to deprive his wife of the happiness she deserved in life. No matter how upset I¡¯d get at Anya for the times I hurt because of the important things she should¡¯ve told me when we reconnected, the truth was I wanted to see her happy¡ªeven if it was with another man. By staying with Jackson, after watching him try to destroy her as if his cheating wasn¡¯t bad enough, I started to believe my love for her would likely have to be sacrificed. As long as Jackson remained her husband, she would never be happy and that was just fine with Jackson. He didn¡¯t need to be loved as long as he had her¡ªhis female employee. Was being in love with someone who respected, honored and cared for her the trait of a bad mother? According to Jackson, it was. Worst of all, she likely believed it because of his wealth and what it provided to Katie and Andrew. And those kids deserved the best things money could buy them, but it should come under an umbrella of truth and not from under a cloud of deception. When her dad told her this was all her fault, and she had friends who judged her for not getting off the pot, the stress of being viewed upon as a bad mother likely took a toll on her¡ªcausing her to be cold to me. Who should she listen to? Her family and friends? Jackson? Or me?

    After I finished my short run, I responded to her.

    ME: ¡°Thanks! Just got back.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°How was it?¡±

    ME: ¡°It was good. My back doesn¡¯t hurt which is a plus. How was yours? How are your knuckle and leg bruises doing?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°That¡¯s good! Bruises still there but whatever. Part of it I guess.¡±

    I found it hard to ignore. She¡¯s been kickboxing since I¡¯ve known her, but I¡¯ve never seen bruises on her legs or scratched up knuckles before.

    ANYA: ¡°So what¡¯s on the agenda?¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m getting back on the job search wagon again today, but I have a therapist session today too.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Good! I have to get going now! Really under the gun! Have a nice day!¡±

    ME: ¡°You too!¡±

    What Anya revealed earlier, her constant stress, and how she hated her life is all I fought for her to change. I didn¡¯t fall in love to hurt kids or to break up a family, but to save a mother from her emotionally and mentally abusive narcissistic husband. The only way I could do that was to be there for her and continue to love her¡ªhoping she¡¯d follow her heart and choose life over a false sense of duty.

    When she sweetly texted me back a little later that early evening, I informed her of the outcome of my day.

    ANYA: ¡°How was your day?¡±

    ME: ¡°It¡¯s been good. My therapist appt. was cancelled. She forgot to log me in her appt. book! It¡¯s ok though. How was your day? Feeling a little better stress wise?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Oh I¡¯m sorry. Oh well happens. Good just trying to get stuff done!¡±

    ME: ¡°Yea, she wrote it down on my appt. card and didn¡¯t log it in the book. I didn¡¯t feel like talking anyway. Guess where I¡¯m at?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Where?¡±

    ME: ¡°Sorry I know you¡¯re busy. I¡¯m at the movies again. Going to see ¡°District 9¡±.

    ANYA: ¡°Great! Envious of all the movies you get to see!¡±

    ME: ¡°It is! Haha! Sorry, I probably shouldn¡¯t tell you. It¡¯s only a temporary thing though then I¡¯m back to catching them on DVD! Take it easy over there. Wish I could see all these movies with you.¡±

    Even though she never responded to my last text, today had a good feel after she shared with me her honest feelings. Even if they didn¡¯t favor me, that¡¯s all I needed from her. Anya revealing that she didn¡¯t like where she was in life and didn¡¯t like being constantly stressed was what I needed to hear. Who could blame her? She always went beyond the call of motherly duty, and all because she wanted to feel loved, honored and appreciated by someone for all she did didn¡¯t make her love for me wrong. Would I have wanted my daughter to be with a man like Jackson? He¡¯d be expected to take care of her emotional well-being in addition to providing for her.

    The truth resided within me and her, a truth I trusted she would embrace¡ªa fact she could no longer run from or suck it up for. Although she was being good to me, Anya didn¡¯t seem to be the same loving person since Jackson invaded my Facebook account. After San Francisco, she loved and missed me more than ever, but it didn¡¯t feel that way. I understood Jackson¡¯s curiosity, but knowing there was zero trust in his marriage from its inception was completely hypocritical. Was he piling on more work for her and adding activities for the kids to do since Facebook, such as the Boston trip? I knew she was struggling and I didn¡¯t want her to worry about me, or us. I fought back from pressuring her, refusing to let my emotions get the best of me, but it felt like she was slowly phasing me out of her life. Of course, I hoped for a promise but ¡°one day at a time¡± was fair¡ªespecially after some of the things I¡¯ve said. She¡¯s right¡ªI couldn¡¯t take them back and they put her in self-defense mode. She could come visit me any time and I¡¯d still stick to the plan, but her love seemed to fade away too easily, and it was hard for me to adapt to after learning over the years what felt right and what didn¡¯t.

    The summer posed a hard time for her to see me because the kids were now mostly at home instead of in school. Although I wasn¡¯t working and had more time to text her, I treated our communication as if I was working, afraid to bug her. This also made me more sensitive to any slight pulls away from me, especially when she hid her unhappiness and what she struggled with at home from me. If Anya was unhappy before she met me, how happy would Jackson watching her every move make her? I felt certain Jackson would add more things to her plate to make her too busy to see and communicate with me¡ªthe most likely reason for the increase in kickboxing intensity. Not to mention, she not only would start driving Andrew to football practice, games, and Katie to dance, but in two weeks she would also start driving them to and from two different schools. One school was stressful enough for her but now two? This would only make her an unhappy camper, especially if Jackson continued to tail and hawk her, but the shit would really hit the fan without me in her life. It broke my heart to know all she struggled with and she expected the man who loved her to be okay with that? To just stay in line like the rest of them? This was a moment to love her and if she didn¡¯t allow me to, then how could I believe she loved me? I¡¯d jump at the chance to take away her stress, so she could fall in love with life again. She may lose fifty percent of her kids, but they¡¯d get a hundred percent of the best mom if she left Jackson for me. Knowing the kind of man I was, I knew the kids would be just fine if we were together. Running around the way she did, there was no way she could convince me that she and the kids were in a safer environment than they would be with me.

    By two p.m. the following day, I hadn¡¯t heard from her and naturally began to worry. I almost reached out to text her but decided against it¡ªafraid it would cause her more stress. If I were to lose her over Facebook then I likely had nothing to lose. If she allowed Jackson to win, then I had to go for it. If she wasn¡¯t going to defend our love because of a fear of obligation, regardless of the peril it put her and the kids in, and jump back into a relationship of deceit and dishonor, Jackson had to be confronted about it. I wouldn¡¯t look to get into a fistfight with him, but in the way any civilized human being would fight for love when they believed in it as much as I did. As her lover, after all we shared, she couldn¡¯t deny me the grounds she allowed and encouraged me to walk upon for twenty plus months. Why should her kids be made to believe their parents had a normal marriage when they had a marriage that wrecked lives? Did she want her kids to be in loveless disrespectful marriages one day too? That what was good enough for mom was good enough for Katie and Andrew? If marriages were unrealistic anyway, why wouldn¡¯t she share that truth with the kids?

    Anya knew from day one what I was all about, making it no secret what I stood for and against all the world stood for, even telling her I always believed in love¡ªthat no one would cheat on someone they truly loved. For some reason, Anya was starting to prove me wrong¡ªthat cheating on someone you love was a natural thing¡ªobliterating my belief in true love. My strong belief in love, even after all the times I¡¯ve been crucified for it in the eyes of the women I cared about, I never hid from her. I fought with her because I loved her and her response to that was ¡°I have to go since you want it now¡±, but all I wanted was a promise we both deserved if I couldn¡¯t have her now. If she couldn¡¯t deliver me with a pact to leave, after doing all she ever required of me to leave, then I had to stick around for the truth as to why¡ªthe real truth why she misrepresented herself. If I were to leave now, my life would be over¡ªit was that simple. I wouldn¡¯t be able to go on living a lie anymore. If I didn¡¯t believe in love anymore then I¡¯d never be happy again. As much as I wanted to be sensitive to her ¡°situation¡±, there was the expectation for her to know how much I believed the lie of her marriage should no longer exist¡ªmuch like a factory that pollutes the environment. I wanted Katie and Andrew to have and expect more from someone they loved in life. Not just money and things, but every and all things. Especially a contract that their mother and father believed was unrealistic. When you truly loved someone and married them for all the right reasons, marriage was more than realistic. If their mother wasn¡¯t brave enough to come forward, then I¡¯d have to sacrifice myself and pray that Anya¡¯s love would defend me when pressured to do so. I¡¯ve come too far; felt and shared too much for her to believe her kids would be hurt if we were together.

    About an hour later, a little past three, I broke down and texted her.

    ME: ¡°How r u? How¡¯s ur day? R u ok?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yes at a memorial.¡±

    ME: ¡°Ok. Sorry to hear that.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Thx. How r u?¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m ok too. Just hanging at home.¡±

    Every memorial and funeral Anya attended, it provided me with hope¡ªthat she¡¯d realize we weren¡¯t promised tomorrow, life was too short and she needed to live a full and honest life. Did she truly want to go to her grave with resentment in her heart? I didn¡¯t want that for her.

    Wondering why she didn¡¯t tell me about the memorial, I cooked my favorite meal to feel close to her. She then texted me later that evening to put an end to a query I kept internally.

    ANYA: ¡°How was your day?¡±

    ME: ¡°It was a good day. I¡¯m cooking the truffle rice right now since I can cook more now that I¡¯m home in the evenings. Craving it!¡±

    I only revealed this to her because she knew I cooked it to feel close to her, but her response wasn¡¯t one I hoped for.

    ANYA: ¡°You¡¯re gonna get sick of that rice! I¡¯m sick of it and I haven¡¯t had it in months! Went to my friend¡¯s mom¡¯s memorial. She had cancer for 17 years. She was an amazing lady.¡±

    ME: ¡°How sad. What type of cancer?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Recurring cancer.¡±

    I didn¡¯t know what honestly made me sadder. A woman who passed away from a disease my mother currently fought against ever day or Anya being sick of a dish she knew I loved because of her. It seemed her idea to take things one day at a time was meant to describe how she planned to destroy any chance I had left.

    Unable to ignore the over analysis going on in my mind, I sent her an instant message so I could tell what time she read it.

    ME: ¡°Every time you attend a memorial service, I want to ask you who it was but I just wanted you to know I don¡¯t only out of respect for you. I just wanted you to know I care and I don¡¯t ask out of respect. Have a goodnight.¡±

    At eight minutes past five the next morning, I retrieved my phone to see if she read my message but she didn¡¯t. After waking up over three hours later, I retrieved my phone again, noticing she responded at forty-five minutes past five. Her response though was surprisingly longer than most.

    ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s ok. What a day for me yesterday. I went to go catch a movie last night with the girls. Was last minute planning. I thought I was going to take a break. We saw ¡°500 Days of Summer¡±. The guy in the movie so reminded me of you. OMG I was blown away at how much he felt for her. Of course it¡¯s not our story but it hit home. Just was interesting that¡¯s all. Hope you are ok. I¡¯m well. Going on a run for the 1<sup>st</sup> time since SF. Yikes!¡±

    Although it hurt, she didn¡¯t text me while she went out to the movies, it could¡¯ve also been a good sign. She felt envious I got to see all these movies lately, and maybe she wanted to feel close to me? Pathetically sensitive about everything now after losing my job, thinking positive was a way to regain my sanity, even as simple as her going to the movies without letting me know. Now that the guy reminded her of me, it was a movie that piqued my curiosity. More than anything, it was nice for her to mention SF.

    With a good start to my day, I told her I was doing well and told her to have a good run¡ªthen went straight back to bed. A little later that morning, I messaged Anya to see how her run went and what was on her agenda.Unauthorized duplication: this narrative has been taken without consent. Report sightings.

    ANYA: ¡°It was good! Needed to start back up again! Leaving soon to go pick up Katie from Malibu. I¡¯m so excited to see her!¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m sure she feels the same way! Was ¡°500 Days of Summer¡± any good? I¡¯m surprised I didn¡¯t hear of it.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yea the movie was interesting. Actually, I¡¯d like for you to see it and tell me what you think!¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯ll go see it tonight then.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Well let me know! I have to hit the road. Ttyl!¡±

    When Anya left our IMversation, I felt happy for her, and excited to have a new movie to look forward to later that evening. It sounded like a relationship story that brought out good feelings from within her about us. I couldn¡¯t wait to watch it, hopefully alone in the theater, but in a way, with her there too. I needed a movie like ¡°500 Days of Summer¡± more than ever to feel her love for me. After she started to get sick of truffle rice, something that made me feel closer to her, the timing of this movie was the Universe, or even God, working his magic without our knowledge.

    Figuring she wanted to spend time catching up with Katie, I jumped back into my, so far, fruitless job search not expecting to hear from her for the rest of the day. I believed not having Katie around made her sad, so in that regard, I was happy she was back home from camp. As luck would have it, and with good feelings generated from seeing a movie that connected me to her, she texted me out of the blue.

    ANYA: ¡°How r u?¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m good! How are you? Is Katie girl home now?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Good! Yes she is! Glad to have her home! We¡¯re just catching up!¡±

    ME: ¡°I don¡¯t want to take time away from you girls. Enjoy your time catching up with her!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Thank u!¡±

    Anya¡¯s good vibes helped me to have my most productive day since losing my promotion to partner. After working out, cleaning my kitchen, laundry, firing off several resumes and checking in with my mom, I ventured out to the late show on a Sunday night. Figuring no one would be in the theater at ten on a Sunday night and things hit me hard these days, I left the Kleenex at home. Googling movie reviews was something I just never did and since she never made a bad recommendation, I trusted Anya¡¯s request¡ªlikely made because she wanted us to feel close to each other.

    At six minutes before midnight, as the movie scrolled its ending credits, I walked out with mixed emotions. It was by far the best movie I¡¯ve seen on my unemployment tour, but hit me in an unexpected way. What I believed would be a ¡°feel good¡± love story since the guy reminded her of me and how the movie hit home with her felt far from. Walking back to my car, all I kept asking myself was ¡°how did this movie hit home with her?¡± There was no doubt the main male character resembled me¡ªa guy who believed in love, falling deeply for a girl named Summer. There was also no doubt Summer liked him a lot, but clearly didn¡¯t see forever with him. Sadly, and I hated to see things this way, but at times, the female character reminded me of Anya¡ªhow this guy loved her so much and would do anything for her, but she didn¡¯t feel strongly enough to do the same for him. I believed Anya was not like this girl who, in my opinion, played with this man¡¯s heart and emotions. But the fact she seemed a little like her, really shook me up. Summer also had no problem engaging in acts of love with him, acting like any girlfriend would, but only enjoyed his company and not wanting a serious commitment. Blinded by this great love in his heart for her, he failed to see how she really felt about him¡ªeven disrespecting her wishes because he believed she had to love him too. If Anya thought I reminded her of this guy because of the way he cared for her, and wanted me to see the movie for that reason, then it made me feel good to see it. I just couldn¡¯t understand how this movie hit home for her. To see Summer shit all over this guy¡¯s heart and his belief in love worried me¡ªwas I essentially in the same boat as him? Was that why it hit home to her? That she was in Summer¡¯s shoes with me? There¡¯s a scene near the end of the movie when she invited him to a party. Since the moment she invited him, he held major hope for getting back with her and made sure he looked his best for the party. What he didn¡¯t know, but would learn, was that she invited him to her engagement party¡ªshe wanted him to meet the man she planned to marry. When the scene split the screens showing one side called ¡°expectations¡± and the other side ¡°reality¡±, it summed up my life with Anya over the last few months. It was hard to believe that just two hours earlier, I walked into a movie theater with nothing but love and hope in my heart. That I would see something beautiful and special, yet ended up walking out feeling more alone than I¡¯ve ever felt in my life.

    Maybe the day fatigued me and I wasn¡¯t in the best state of mind to catch a late show¡ªit was only a damn movie for crying out loud. I needed to get a good night¡¯s rest and I¡¯m sure this feeling would be too ridiculous to consider again. Then again, why couldn¡¯t ¡°500 Hundred Days of Summer¡± just remind her of me instead of ¡°hitting home¡±? Why did she really want me to see this movie? To see a guy, who reminded her of me, get his heart ripped out? Or was it because at the end he met a new girl named ¡°Autumn¡± and wanted me to see how easy it was for him to move on? I honestly loved the movie, there were a lot of great parts, but it just didn¡¯t feel as good as it should have. When I got back home, knowing her phone was off, I messaged her.

    ME: ¡°I just got back from watching the movie. I really liked it. It was funny and sad. It was definitely the best movie I¡¯ve seen on my movie tour. I liked how they split the screen with one side ¡°expectation¡± and the other side ¡°reality¡±. Very clever. Sad but true.¡±

    ME: ¡°I have to admit I agree with you. That guy was so me. It¡¯s one thing to really love someone but when you really believe in love on top of that (destiny, fate, soulmate), it¡¯s a very hard road back from heartache. I think that¡¯s what makes it so difficult because you believe in love so much, and not just the love you have for that person.¡±

    ME: ¡°I laughed at some of the parts and I also noticed I was the only one laughing only because I knew how he was going to feel before I everyone else saw him feel it. Very interesting movie I must say. You said it hit home for you. Where did you feel it hit home? What did you think of it overall?¡±

    A movie, of all things, I became sensitive to because of how someone I loved so much found it interesting. The only way this movie hit home for her, is if she played a game with my heart. There were times she couldn¡¯t believe I was ¡°for real¡±, but certainly by now she had to know I was. Her reaction to this movie filled my heart with fear and my head with madness. After reaching for two Vicodin pills and popping them in my mouth like pieces of See¡¯s candy, I began to calm down enough to fall asleep. When the sun rose a few hours later, I grabbed my phone to see how she answered.

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m glad you liked the movie. I thought it was well done too. It hit home in that other people do believe in the ¡°love fate destiny¡± too. The writer had to have known the feeling of love to write that movie.¡±

    Her response seemed to dodge my concerns. I knew the story wasn¡¯t ours, and I believed Anya loved me, but just like Summer, I questioned why Anya would allow and encourage someone to feel so much for her without any plans to be with them? Summer at least gave the guy in the movie a heads up, but Anya did not¡ªonly telling me she was married and wanted to be with me, but was still with her husband because no one wanted to be with a woman who had baggage. Maybe Anya finally saw the wrong in doing that to me, and that¡¯s why it hit home with her? I wouldn¡¯t have given my heart so easily to a bad person. I didn¡¯t want to prod her about how her response didn¡¯t feel right to me¡ªshe¡¯d probably think I was losing it. How many more times am I going to take things the wrong way before she never talks to me again? Sure, I reminded her of this guy, but he wasted no time finding love again¡ªI¡¯m not that kind of man. Summer never told the guy she was his soulmate like Anya told me. There was something much deeper between Anya and me than with Summer and this guy who remined Anya of me. After Summer, or Anya, there was no Autumn, no Spring or no Winter for me, nor even another Summer after Anya. After her weak response, I posed to her a more daunting question she couldn¡¯t respond meekly to.

    ME: ¡°How r things at home with him? Is everything ok? Why so busy of late with work? Has he been purposely giving you more or is it because of the trip?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m sorry but I don¡¯t understand your question. ¡°Busy of late w/work¡±?¡±

    My negative emotions inspired my question to come out wrong. She apparently felt my question implied she was never busy up until now, but I didn¡¯t mean for it to come off that way. I knew she was always busy and stressed¡ªthe last thing I wanted to do was take that lightly. I¡¯ve known her for almost two years now though, and not once has she ever told me she felt like crying¡ªor she was tired of the constant stress she felt until last week. It seemed since her husband invaded my privacy on Facebook that she suddenly had lots of work to do. It made sense to me that he would try to put more on her plate so she wouldn¡¯t have time to see a man he knew was now more available to be seen than at any time before.

    ME: ¡°You said you¡¯ve been busy. ¡°Lots to do¡±. Playing ¡°catch up¡± but never really ever catching up. So, I just thought maybe he was flooding you with extra work like he¡¯s done in the past when he was ¡°suspecting¡±.¡±

    Anya has told me many times that she told me ¡°everything¡± in the beginning of our relationship but decided after nearly two years of a serious relationship, it was time to tell me more on top of everything.

    ANYA: ¡°Hun I have sooo much responsibilities. I manage the household, Sukie and all her checkups and grooming and dental, etc., the kids and their activities, Katie¡¯s high school info and coordinating her school dance that starts today, returning emails, not for work, but friends, fam. Doctor¡¯s, secretary from Katie¡¯s high school, dance studio, camps, tutors, temple, volunteer organizations I¡¯m involved with etc. I¡¯ve been busy coordinating Boston stuff (not easy to do), summer Dr¡¯s appts for the kids and me. Dental, braces, kids¡¯ haircuts, eye exams, back to school items etc. Been shopping for two weddings, Kids¡¯ birthday parties etc. meanwhile trying to coordinate work meetings, working on marketing to drum up more work (slow), working on various work projects for upcoming meetings (nothing new). I handle all the bills and office stuff at home too. I manage properties here and many other states. Just going through an eviction of a tenant in AZ and lawyers are involved and getting ugly. Huge complications. I just had one of my tenants die in one of my units and is under investigation by the court. We can¡¯t find next of kin so it¡¯s delaying the process. Meanwhile I¡¯m losing money from both places waiting to clear them out so I can rent them out which will take a minimum of 2-3 months. Although Katie was gone it doesn¡¯t mean I had more time. I¡¯m always ¡°behind¡± on something. I do all the grocery shopping and cooking and some cleaning. I try to workout so that I can stay in decent shape. My list can go on and on and on. It¡¯s a big headache. I¡¯m always running and stressed but just try not to show it. I hope you understand.¡±

    After reading the longest message she ever sent me, a laundry list that should¡¯ve been communicated to me on the night we talked about giving it a chance, she revealed more reasons why she was in too deep to ever change things. I was too in love to not understand all she did, but how could she encourage and allow me to love her so deeply when she had too many people dependent on her to ever be with me? Upon learning this about her life, how could she ever have claimed this relationship was about me? Either I fall in line with her life or get out of it. With all of these things on her plate, that were always on her plate, how could she get upset at me when I questioned her true intentions to ever leave? How could she allow me to feel so much for her knowing her day to day responsibilities would cause me pain? How could she allow me to fall so hard and hit me with something she should have told me in the beginning? That my life would have to revolve around her schedule and she would only fit me in when she had the time to do so? When I didn¡¯t respond because she knew I read it, she sent me another text.

    ANYA: ¡°I get so overwhelmed I just want to cry.¡±

    There was one certain thing about Anya. What every guy learned about her before I did. She was a heartbreaker. She would only break your heart, in ways no human being, man or woman, could ever imagine. On the other hand, this was confirmation that she hated her life because of these responsibilities, and not because of me. That it was this constant running around that caused her to be constantly stressed and not my relationship with her. If anything, it likely confirmed my worst nightmare¡ªshe would¡¯ve fallen in love with anyone who had given her a vacation from this chaos. She equated stress relief to a soulmate, and I suddenly didn¡¯t feel very special anymore. I was the last of her priorities and only worthy of her love when she finds the time for it¡ªeven behind her dog.

    ME: ¡°Sorry to keep you. I¡¯m here if you need a breather.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Thanks, I¡¯m just leaving to take Andrew to crew. Starts at 8. Have a carpool today so I¡¯m responsible for two others then have to take Katie to poly for dance then Suki¡¯s appt. When the kids get back this afternoon I have to take them to football and studio dance and tutoring so won¡¯t have time for a breather today! Have to get some work done in between. I¡¯m ok. Thx for caring and being there for me! I love u!¡±

    I wanted to be there for her; I loved her and there was no changing that. It broke my heart to see her struggle like that and to be under that much stress. Of course, she had feelings for me and feared losing me if she made this information known, and it¡¯s nice to know she felt that strongly about me¡ªenough to lie about her life so we could give it a try. To do that though, she had to do, not just try¡ªthe situation was too perilous to leave a loved one hanging in. She called her marriage a ¡°situation¡± when the situation was actually a dangerous predicament for anyone who dared to fall in love with her. She never told me that her husband was Jackson Caiaphas. Then she revealed all of her duties around the house. Would she have done this for a man she wasn¡¯t in love with? Is this why she wondered if she could have two soulmates? As much as I hated to know the details of her stressful life, and I know she told me hoping for understanding¡ªit made me question if she truly loved me or if she just truly loved herself. As my negative emotions threatened to breach the surface, I didn¡¯t want to cause her any more stress than she already have.

    ME: ¡°You know how much I care about you! I¡¯m always here for you when you need me. Remember that! I love you too, babe! Take it easy over there.¡±

    When I didn¡¯t hear back from her for the rest of the day, I took two Vicodin to cope with the silence. Breaking down, I sent her a text to let her know I was thinking of her.

    ME: ¡°I hope you¡¯re doing ok. I don¡¯t know if you remember this but one day I had a tough day at work and you told me you would massage my shoulders and give me a beer. After hearing all you¡¯re doing this morning I think you¡¯re the one deserving of a massage and that beer.¡±

    I thought and hoped I¡¯d hear back from her. Feeling disheartened when I didn¡¯t, I sent her one last text.

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m sure you¡¯re wiped out. Wish I could help. Sleep well.¡±

    Even though I sent these instant messages several hours earlier than I normally did, they remained unread even though her phone was likely on. After all she shared today, her phaseout plan seemed to be in full effect. It was easy to reflect upon my past failures with women to prepare myself for what was to become. I didn¡¯t feel the love from her at all anymore¡ªher true intentions coming into question more than ever before. How could she believe someone would want to fall so deeply in love with her if they rarely got to ever see her? That they only got to see the one they loved when she permitted them? She had to know what she was going to do to me. She just had to. She claimed one time she felt like I punished her for loving me¡ªthat she had to ¡°pay the price¡± each time after making time to see me but who truly paid the price? She¡¯d rather be with me than running her dog to the vet or getting a finger put up her ass? Wouldn¡¯t she substitute just about anything else for those things? She¡¯d miss sitting on lounge chair in her yard watching a squirrel race up a tree just as much as she missed me, living the life she did. I wanted to understand because she hoped I would, but her silence on this night only made me feel like she used me for stress relief from those things. Her life was so busy she had no time to miss me.

    After ¡°500 Days of Summer¡±, her list of responsibilities, a lost career job in the middle of the worst recession in United States history, Zoloft and psychiatry appointments, it was time to find out where I really stood in her life. Why did she make me feel so special just to be put behind vet appointments and kickboxing classes? I didn¡¯t want to argue with her, but if she wouldn¡¯t allow me to fight for her, then I had to start fighting for my survival. If her plan was to submerse herself in responsibilities, that she knew all about before we met, then go to bed at night still claiming she loved me, then I had something to say about it¡ªI didn¡¯t agree to be in her life just for emotional support¡ªshe had a Suki for that.

    She told me one time this fifteen-year-old kid from the neighborhood told her that he wanted to marry her. She didn¡¯t tell him she was married or found anything inappropriate in what he said to her. Why would she tell me that? Are those the kinds of kids being raised in her neighborhood? She was okay with a fifteen-year-old telling a married woman he wanted to marry her but I couldn¡¯t fight for the woman I loved? What the fuck was going on in her world? How could she do this to me? Why was she punishing me and not the man who cheated on her several times? She handled me the same way she handled the fifteen-year-old future philanderer. Why did I remind her of some guy in a movie who had a woman completely mind fuck him and break his heart into pieces? Is that where we are now?

    When I woke up the next morning, I hoped to feel differently than the night before when she responded to my texts.

    ANYA: ¡°Good morning! Yes, I remember! Thank you that was very sweet. Hun, don¡¯t worry about me. It¡¯s what I do every day and that¡¯s the way it is. I do have to tell you that I woke up with a cold sore yesterday morning. I guess I¡¯m a little run down and I need to take care of myself. I¡¯m ok so please don¡¯t worry. How r u?¡±

    Her text overall was positive but when I read ¡°that¡¯s the way it is¡±, it hit me the wrong way. Could she possibly comprehend how ¡°just the way it is¡± has affected my life? How she knew all along ¡°just the way it is¡± would never be changed no matter all she asked of me to do to change it? If I were to die tomorrow, would she continue to deny I ever existed to those around her? My destiny was to be the worst secret in her life? Her text provided even more evidence against her staying there for the sake of the kids¡ªshe had another cold sore caused by stress unrelated to me but solely related to the narcissist she married. I refused to go down the same roads Lance, her ¡°stalker¡± and the man she broke her engagement did. If I couldn¡¯t fight for her with all the reasons I knew, who ever could? After allowing me to feel so much for her after I walked away at one time, it was disrespectful to tell me ¡°It¡¯s just the way it is¡±. I¡¯ve given up everything to be with her and it needed to change. The time had come for me to test her love for me. I needed to know why she brought me here.

    ME: ¡°Yes you do. You need to take care of yourself babe. I am in love with you so much. I can¡¯t stop caring about you. I just don¡¯t like to see you stressed. I think it takes years off your life and I want you to be around. Your reward for all your hard work as a great mother and keeping everything in order is being cheated on and not being trusted. Just not fair or right. Sorry about your cold sore, Babe. I¡¯m ok. Just missing you.¡±

    After I instant messaged her these words, I didn¡¯t hear back from her for over an hour later as an emotional onslaught built inside me.

    ANYA: ¡°Sorry been driving kids around. I¡¯m ok, like I said nothing more than usual. I miss you too. What¡¯s on your agenda?¡±

    ME: ¡°Just scheduling interviews. It seems more than usual to me though. If it¡¯s not more than usual then I feel ever since FB, I¡¯ve noticed a change in you. Can you please tell me what¡¯s going on with him and how you¡¯re feeling? Thank you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yes of course a bit more b/c of summer! Having to work more ¨C bad economy. Idk what you want me to tell you. You want me to tell you how hard it is to live like this after FB? Yes, it¡¯s hard! Not talking much. Just trying to get thru everyday.¡±

    I then sent her three texts to help her better understand what I wanted her to tell me.

    ME: ¡°Ok. I¡¯m not trying to pressure you. Not trying to argue with you but I love you. It¡¯s hard to just stand over here and watch it especially when you know the one you love, loves me too.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯ve shared so much with you. I feel I know your kids. No one knows me better externally and internally than you other than myself. There¡¯s this huge bond between us that will always be there because of how much we know and have shared with eachother.¡±

    ME: ¡°I fight every day to show you how much I love you and you fight every day to stay right where you¡¯re at. You can¡¯t ever say I¡¯ve broken your heart.¡±

    Once I went there, I hated myself for it, but when I did, I knew there would be no turning back this time as I felt left in the dark and cold about where I truly stood in her life.

    ANYA: ¡°I know. I think I want to take a break. I need to work on myself right now. Oh, and yes you have broken my heart and trust when you threatened me.¡±

    In Anya¡¯s mind, she wanted to make a clean break if she divorced Jackson. That it wasn¡¯t because she fell in love with another man, but because things weren¡¯t working out at home. Then she hit me with a shot I never saw coming when she visited me a couple of months ago¡ªtelling me that she wouldn¡¯t date me if she left because she wanted to see if this was what she wanted. She always wanted me to understand her situation, and for the most part I did. But when she hit me with things like that, it made me question her true intentions. Wouldn¡¯t a promise to be with me one day have come already if she truly loved me? After she told me all about Jackson¡¯s infidelities and knowing that was the reason I chose to be in her life, why not leave him because of the truth? If the goal if she were to leave him was to give people the impression that he was this great man then why tell me about his infidelities at all? Anya found true love in me¡ªwhy not tell the world about me instead of protecting him? He will always be Katies and Andrew¡¯s father¡ªthe truth never changes that but to want to make a clean break and not want to be with me right way after all we¡¯ve shared was the most selfish act I¡¯ve ever been made aware of it. Especially after losing my job because of all I sacrificed for her happiness.

    In Anya¡¯s eyes, I did break her heart and I could see that from her perspective. She felt if Jackson knew about us, it would end us. To tell me horrible things about the man then disabling me from taking her away from him was horrible. Look, if a clean break was possible, then let¡¯s do it but it felt like she never had any intentions to leave him and that she used me for stress relief. Could she really have sex with him if the kids were always around or she was too tired or busy to? Her current marriage was too hectic for her to have alone time with Jackson but with me, twenty minutes of stress relief was better than nothing. Now, she can go home and be a pleasant person to be around. I wanted that for her, but she needed to be with me otherwise she used me and after losing my job¡ªthis secret she held faced a real threat.

    If I felt truly loved, why would the thought of talking with Jackson ever cross my mind? Could she try to understand why the threat happened before crucifying me for it? Just tell me you used me for stress relief and confused it for love if you want me to understand. Did she ever consider that it broke my heart when she wasn¡¯t able to tell her abusive husband that I want to be with a man who truly loves me? That I¡¯m leaving you for him because you were unfaithful and abusive? Why protect him after you bringing me into your life? Didn¡¯t you make the decision to freely love me the day you did that? If I did confront Jackson, it would be to defend the woman I loved who died more and more each day doing the things he should be helping out on. Maybe she viewed Jackson getting into my Facebook account as an act of love instead of destroying the only happiness she had in life?

    For her to claim that I broke her heart after she fought every single day to stay in her marriage surpassed any of my contradictions. How could she not love me? A man who gave a hundred percent of himself to her for only a sliver of her allotted time? If she truly missed me and if she truly had any real intentions to be with me, she would¡¯ve left fifty percent of those responsibilities behind without having time to blink. The only special thing about me, was that I was a foolish enough to give her every reason she needed to leave him.

    ME: ¡°How could you say I¡¯ve broken your heart? You fight everyday to stay, and not be with me. I¡¯ve been guilty of hurting you, but it¡¯s only because I want to be with you, and not because I don¡¯t think you¡¯re the greatest thing in the world.¡±

    ME: ¡°So let me get this straight. He gets in my Facebook and I pay the price for that? Isn¡¯t it time to defend me?¡±

    ME: ¡°My heart is not for your intrigue, or anyone else¡¯s, and it¡¯s not for fun and games and then when reality sets in you threaten to run away from me. How is that breaking your heart?¡±

    ME: ¡°Katie and Andrew can both make it to Harvard one day whether you are with him or with me.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ok don¡¯t, it has nothing to do with FB. We were not together for a long time and you told me you wouldn¡¯t give me pressure. If you start to get mad again I¡¯m going to escalate. You have broken my heart in that you broke your promise to me over and over and when you threatened me over and over telling me you won¡¯t do it again. Stop throwing jabs at me, I¡¯m not out to get you! I¡¯m not playing with your heart like a game and I could say the same to you!¡±

    ME: ¡°Do you remember the things you have said to me after SF? I love you more than ever? Then he gets on my FB and suddenly you don¡¯t tell me anything like that anymore! Stop making me feel bad for having feelings and emotions. I¡¯m not buying that anymore. I¡¯m entitled to an emotional response when I¡¯m affected by something. Please recognize this isn¡¯t an ordinary situation.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m playing games with you? I¡¯m consistent with my feelings no matter what. I love you and always there for you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°You don¡¯t buy that anymore? R u kidding me? You¡¯re going to spin it on your head again? Don¡¯t message me. I need a break.¡±

    ME: ¡°That¡¯s your thing. Making me feel bad for things you¡¯re doing to me. I ripped your heart in a million pieces. I¡¯ve ruined your life. I¡¯ve had to face obstacles. Now your husband knows who I am. Do I have to start defending myself since you¡¯re not doing it for me? Is this how you love someone? Do you want me to message some of the things you¡¯ve told me over the last twenty-one months? You think I¡¯m on Zoloft because of me? I¡¯m on it because of your marriage.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Uh getting mad then upsetting me then promising me you won¡¯t get mad for telling you things then threatening me then promising you won¡¯t do it again then getting mad, then upsetting me then promising me you won¡¯t do it again for being honest then threatening me then promising me you won¡¯t do it again and so on and so on. I can¡¯t take the pressure!¡±

    After reading this text, as upset as I was with her, she had a point. From her vantage point, it did feel like I played with her heart when I broke down like this. She was right¡ªtime and time again I promised not to and then I do. I had no control of these emotions anymore. I tuck them away afraid to pressure her and then they overwhelm me¡ªthey were never intentional but they were blasts and jabs to her. She made me feel no better than that fifteen-year-old kid who wanted to marry her and that angered me. It angered me to call me her hero but wouldn¡¯t allow me to confront Jackson to fight for her¡ªthat she viewed that as breaking her heart and ending the relationship. There could be no other end to this story after Jackson invaded my privacy¡ªhe was the dragon who needed to be confronted. If I lost Anya over doing what any man would do for the woman he loved as dearly as I loved her¡ªthen there was nothing to lose. The thought that she would not let me love her the same way she loved me left me overwhelmed with emotions. Anya needed to understand that not allowing me to share how I felt was like asking someone who was shot not to say ¡°ouch¡±.

    ME: ¡°Not going to argue with you because then I¡¯m accused of throwing it back. So much for that.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°You know what let¡¯s just stop talking. Yea, just blame the whole thing on me. It¡¯s my fault. Just please don¡¯t message me. I HATE arguing! I don¡¯t do that!¡±

    ME: ¡°I don¡¯t like to argue either. This is not a normal situation though. Not fair to judge someone who gets upset because you¡¯ve tied hands around their back.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°You¡¯re not listening. I don¡¯t want to talk.¡±

    Her total disregard to how my life was affected by her loving me didn¡¯t set well with me. If she didn¡¯t want to talk then I planned to stop listening. She needed to learn relationships were not on the terms of one person, but had to be on the terms of two. As much as I wanted to honor her, she had greatly disrespected me by allowing me to fall so deeply in love without any plans to even promise to leave¡ªlike she promised to. It was funny how I was held to the promises I made to her, but she forgot all about the promise to be with me if she fell in love with me. At this moment, the suffering I experienced was because she always believed her life was ¡°it is what it is¡±. I felt like she had sentenced me to prison for ten years for a crime I didn¡¯t commit¡ªit would take me at least a decade to get over her if I lasted that long. She tied the hands of the man who loved her behind his back after her husband stalked him from the shadows. She had no right telling me I love you but not defending me but instead wanting a break from me. Knowing she had all those responsibilities, she brought me into her life as if she had none, taking advantage of my ¡°innocence¡± about her life. Lance surely knew and that¡¯s why he left¡ªhe got out before it was too late. No matter what she did or said, I truly loved and cared for her, but the time had come to make a stand¡ªI couldn¡¯t allow her husband to stalk and harass me on Facebook or anywhere. She would have to leave him because of his failure to remain faithful or not at all¡ªhe was the bad guy, not me. After all I gave, shared and lost for her, I resented the fact she was still married to this supreme narcissist¡ªit was me and the kids, not me versus them.

    ME: ¡°Please communicate to the goose who laid the golden egg, Daddy Warbucks, or whatever he really represents to you to stay off of my FB account and that¡¯s coming from me. I¡¯m going to test him too. He can go ruin someone else¡¯s life like he¡¯s done in the past but he won¡¯t ruin mine. I¡¯m sick of paying for his mistakes.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°What?¡±

    ME: ¡°Tell him I told him to stay off my Facebook. Tired of this shit. Divorce your wife if you don¡¯t trust her.¡±

    More than anything, I wanted to test her loyalty to me. If she defended him in anyway, I planned to tell him these things myself. She threatened that he would ¡°come after me¡±, but not if I come after him first. If she would never be with me after that¡ªthen she never had any plans to be with me anyway.

    ANYA: ¡°I just told you it has nothing to do with FB! Stop discounting what I tell you!¡±

    ME: ¡°Make sure he knows. I have to hurt because of him. We¡¯ll see if he listens.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ok don¡¯t believe me. Don¡¯t message me. I can¡¯t talk to you because you make up your own stories!¡±

    ME: ¡°Make up my own stories? What? How so? Do you want the proof?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Proof?¡±

    I then consulted with my daily journal, sending her a few of her own words before Jackson stalked, harassed then invaded my privacy¡ªa right of his according to Anya.

    ME: ¡°¡± I miss you more than ever¡±, ¡°Haven¡¯t stopped thinking about our wknd especially dinner, ¡°This is a very hard time for me¡±, ¡°I struggle because we¡¯re not together and I miss u so much¡±, ¡°I love it when you gently force open my legs and keep them open w/your arm¡±. All these texts were ones you sent me before FB. After FB, I can¡¯t even get a goodnight out of you when I text you goodnight. I get a ¡°hope u had a goodnight¡±! and now ¡°I need to work on me¡±. I know you too well, Anya. Please tell him I told him to stay off my FB. That it¡¯s coming from me.¡±

    I believed she did tell Jackson to ¡°stay out of his Facebook¡±. There was no reason not to believe she did that but I¡¯d bet my last dollar she didn¡¯t tell him that I knew about it. How could she say I broke her heart if she couldn¡¯t defend or even vouch for me? Why couldn¡¯t she tell him I¡¯m with him because he¡¯s a great man? Would he run to the kids and cry ¡°Mommy doesn¡¯t love Daddy!¡±? Even if her reasons were more than proper? Jackson may feel entitled to the lives of others, but had no right to be in my Facebook account. His marriage had trust issues even before they made vows to each other and they both needed to face that because it affected many lives outside of their marriage. The others ran away but I had no plans to¡ªI loved her. Anya knew from day one I didn¡¯t choose to be in her life for marriage support or to be her emotional friend.

    ANYA: ¡°Listen ok? I don¡¯t want to talk to you or argue with you until you calm down and talk to me nicely. If that is not possible we can¡¯t ever talk. I¡¯m tired of your 20 questions, I¡¯m tired of your accusations, I¡¯m tired of you making scenarios in your head that are totally untrue. I¡¯m tired of you getting mad at me. I¡¯m tired of the pressure! You¡¯re blowing it again big time! Stop making up things in your head! I told you I was busy! Why do you have to question every little thing? I told you one day at a time and that wasn¡¯t that long ago and now look you¡¯re already starting shit with me! Why can¡¯t you just leave it alone and let things pass? Do not message me!¡±

    ME: ¡°Ok. That was a good message. It¡¯s the way you treat me though. You being busy like usual didn¡¯t matter before FB¡ªyou¡¯d make time for us regardless but you¡¯re not doing that at all anymore. What scenario have I made up in my head lately that is untrue? I believe everything you tell me. I¡¯m listening.¡±

    If I thought for a second, she would ever cower in fear from him, knowing all the times he cheated on her and all the inequities in the marriage, I would¡¯ve never allowed myself to fall in love with her. If she considered me a Beta and him the Alpha, after allowing me to believe I was the Alpha, this would not end well. I trusted her to take it to him when the time came, and it clearly arrived. I needed her to prove the ¡°more than ever¡± love she claimed to have for me, otherwise they were just empty, possibly drunken words. If she missed me ¡°more than ever¡± then how come I didn¡¯t feel it? You mean to tell me Jackson finding out about us would destroy any chance of us being together? To arm me with the weapon to take the money shot and not allow me to take it is what raised trust issues and why it seemed like I made up things in my head. It was her job to prove me wrong about them¡ªI didn¡¯t want them to be set in stone. Nothing made sense but once again, I tried to look inside of myself while she continued to look outside of herself.

    ME: ¡°I know he wants to catch you in the act so it evens the score. I didn¡¯t realize a lot before the ¡°threats¡±. You communicated that to me so I get it now. You know I don¡¯t want that to happen. I wasn¡¯t secure back then like I am now because we¡¯ve discussed it. I listened. I know the threats were stupid to make and I¡¯m not doing that here. I¡¯m trying to protect my name and us¡ªhe knows the truth. I should be allowed to defend myself if no one is going to. I¡¯ve gone to bat for you and I want you to do that for me. not run from me. I got nothing more to say.¡±

    For once, I wanted her to take responsibility for our situation and how it affected my life, not just hers. I didn¡¯t approach her at Sonoma¡¯s; she approached me¡ªeven making a date to tell me all about Jackson. For nearly the last two years, every single day I went into a dark trench to fight for her happiness, the least she could do was go to bat for mine. I was tired of hearing things from her that Jackson should be hearing like ¡°You broke my heart¡±. What vows did I make in front of God, family and friends then break? I was in her life because of his unfaithfulness so why not hold him accountable for it? I was beginning to learn a painful truth, one I didn¡¯t initially set out to seek, that her love only existed for me as long as it could be a secret forever.

    ANYA: ¡°I told you earlier that I want to take a break. That is what I want. If you want me to be happy and you say that you do, then please don¡¯t message me. I need some time to gather my thoughts. At this point after all the grief you just put me through today it just confirmed even more than ever that I don¡¯t want this. Please respect my wishes and please don¡¯t come back with what about me and that you¡¯re the victim and that I did this to you and that I¡¯m etc. I¡¯m not exactly having a picnic over here which you forget every time you get mad. We are adults. I NEED a BREAK. If you continue to message then have a good life. I wish you well. I also want to tell you only one time I¡¯m not going to answer your messages until I¡¯m ready to talk to you.¡±

    I had to laugh at her last few sentences¡ª"If you continue to message then have a good life.¡± followed by ¡°I¡¯m not going to answer your messages until I¡¯m ready to talk to you.¡± After that brought out a chuckle, out of respect for her wishes since I never respect them according to her, there was no reason to respond. After reading what should¡¯ve been reserved for Jackson, like the day she agreed to marry him, her love only existed for me out of convenience. The only thing that made me special, and I¡¯m certain laughable to her friends, was the fact I was still stupid enough to believe in love. Without ever being married, she felt she knew more about love than I ever possibly could. Try marrying the right person first, then come back to me because I¡¯ve seen a lot of marriages work when love is based for the right reasons. I thought Anya had loved me for all the right reasons, but her latest response to my concerns only proved that love inconvenienced her. Without a promise nor even a plan to leave, it wasn¡¯t fair to say I broke her heart. She could accuse me of upsetting her but she had no right to accuse me of breaking her heart if she couldn¡¯t vouch or go to bat for me. The things she told me should¡¯ve been reserved for the man who truly broke her heart when he stalked and harassed me by invading my privacy on Facebook. If she couldn¡¯t leave him because she loved a man who truly honored her, then she could never leave him for anything else.

    Anya¡¯s ¡°picnic¡± at home¡ªthat issue that Jackson caused by stalking me on Facebook, she held me accountable for. She had no clue all I lost because of our love¡ªall the things she hid from me so I¡¯d give her a chance. She asked me to fight for her and I did every single minute of the day and my reward was ¡°I NEED a BREAK¡±! In her defense, she was very busy and I didn¡¯t want to take her away from her daily usual life¡ªbut she knew since Jackson got into my Facebook account that she was suddenly too busy for me.

    I basically lost a career job, a half a million dollar a year position, because I trusted in her love for me. What did she lose? The respect from her husband she never truly had? The trust in her marriage that didn¡¯t exist? The ability to con some other man into loving her deeply then pulling the ground out from under him? I understood she was stressed out and maybe it was unfair to bring up how I felt at this time to her. The summer was always a busy time for her¡ªespecially this year because of Katie¡¯s graduation. And just before a family trip with her husband watching her every move, but it seemed all the things I did for her was not being recognized. That the only remedy was for me to leave with nothing left to give anyone else. Now, her happiness was predicated on me leaving her alone? She blamed the turmoil in her life on me and not the man whose multiple infidelities led her to me? When was she going to stop punishing the wrong guy? She needed time to think? At this point I deserved nothing short of a huge apology for misrepresenting any aspect of her life to me. She never gave me the chance to make the best decision for me because she hid her life from me. My life mattered too. Here I was--left with nothing; unable to find work and too fucked up in the heart and head to. And she needed a break? She was the one who felt pressured? God¡ªI just loved the woman to death yet I had so many negative feelings towards her. How was it possible to still be in love with her? Yet, I was. I couldn¡¯t imagine life without her. I was just so angry with her for allowing me to love her so damn much then making me the villain when I expressed myself. I should be able to confront her shitty abusive husband and fight for her. She didn¡¯t want her kids to know she married a creep who ruins the marriages of others yet thinks his is sacred?

    If I couldn¡¯t fight for Anya after she knew the sole reason, I was in her life was because he was a cheat then I had nothing anyway. Cheating on someone meant the affair was a loveless one¡ªthat¡¯s what her husband did. Anya called me her soulmate and less than two weeks ago told me she loved me more than ever. How come I couldn¡¯t bring the fight to Jackson for love? If Jackson knowing she loved me would end us then she didn¡¯t love me. She had to love me enough to tell her children the truth about their father after he stalked me on Facebook. If she couldn¡¯t do that then she never loved me. If she believed the truth would hurt the kids¡ªthen she didn¡¯t love me. If she thought she betrayed her kids in any way by loving a man who respected and honored her¡ªthen she didn¡¯t love me. If I had known she sold her soul before we met, why would I have chosen to be here? As I stewed over her irresponsible heart, she sent me another text for good measure.

    ANYA: ¡°BTW I hope you respect my last message and it could be days or weeks before I talk to you. I wish you luck with your search. I will continue to pray for your mom. I hope she is well and please take care.¡±

    An article I recalled reading over a year ago claimed that an extramarital relationship always ended up with the married person blaming their partner for the turmoil in their life. At the time, I believed her love for me was too strong for that to ever happen. I¡¯ve come to realize now, the article represented a warning more than a story. Now the turmoil in her marriage, that usually infected others, had now infected me. There was no doubt the end of everything was nearing.

 CHAPTER 17 ~ ANGER AND IMMOBILITY

    ¡°I can¡¯t get any stronger

    And I can¡¯t climb any higher.

    You¡¯ll never know how hard I¡¯ve tried.

    Cry a little longer

    And hold a little tighter

    Emotions can¡¯t be satisfied.¡±

    ~ ¡°A Man I¡¯ll Never Be¡± Boston

    For the first time ever my trust in Anya truly waned. She told me she wanted to be with me. That it was her hope, wish and dream, yet failing to mention as long as the relationship remained on her terms¡ªas long as it didn¡¯t inconvenience her. Since she became aware of Jackson¡¯s infidelities, her marriage was on her terms or else¡ªthe problem was I wasn¡¯t Jackson. The man she married that promised to remain faithful was the one who broke her heart¡ªnot me. Each time I wanted her to do something, regardless of it being the right thing, she¡¯d just abandon me while not wanting me to ever question her love. I only lost my job and the respect of my peers fighting for her. Not that I didn¡¯t do things that made her break away¡ªat times she was in the right to do that, but I wasn¡¯t wrong every single time. She just couldn¡¯t claim she loved me more than ever then do things to keep her marriage intact. After Jackson stalked me on Facebook exposing the trust issues in their marriage¡ªit should¡¯ve no longer been a question of if but when she would leave him. Instead, she powered through work to ignore the truth. That was just fine in the past for her to do, but not after allowing and encouraging me to be in her life. It made me feel like I had been raped¡ªshe never had my consent to lie about me if we dived in together. She had two kids before she met me and that never stopped her. In my eyes, at this point, she betrayed her kids if she continued to live the lie of her marriage, not because she was in love with me.

    When you¡¯re in love with someone, you want to announce it to the world, not take a break. She should want me to meet her kids and do things to ensure that happened. I¡¯m not saying she didn¡¯t love me, but her form of love was never strong enough to be with me¡ªonly strong enough for stress relief here and there. I found it bothersome that she treated my reactions as if I were in a normal relationship. Did she think I would tell her the things I did if we were in a normal relationship¡ªone where she didn¡¯t tie hands behind my back? I had to find the strength within to face this new reality. She was more like Jackson now¡ªin love with herself more than anyone. Love only existed when you loved someone else more than yourself.

    As far as what she viewed as a ¡°threat¡± was twofold. Of course, I saw it from her side¡ªit would only give him more power over her. The last thing I wanted was for her kids to know about anything¡ªI didn¡¯t think about them when I considered confronting Jackson. When I realized, Jackson would cry to them and blame their mother for leaving him, I saw how what I texted was threatening to her. She saw it a much different way than I did and when she explained it to me, I understood. The other side of it, what I struggled with, was why she brought me here if I couldn¡¯t go to bat for her¡ªafter all she told me about him¡ªall that led me here. She had no right to allow me to feel so much because of what he put her through, then not allow me to protect the woman I loved. Instead, she let the man who broke her be her protector and I felt betrayed. There was a thin line forming between love and hate.

    As silence prevailed, I coped with Vicodin to help dull my negative emotions. More concerned about my broken heart than her cancer, I visited my mother mostly so I could raid her pill bottle. I refused to admit an addiction to painkillers because I knew Anya¡¯s love could put the need for the pills to rest. Without Anya in my life though, I¡¯d need them to get through it. Each time my mother asked about Anya, I told her we were doing well, not wanting to burden her with my heartache. Although I had a ton of negative emotions, I couldn¡¯t believe I was thinking clearly enough to be right about them¡ªand that we would eventually work things out. A break wasn¡¯t the end of the world¡ªwe both needed it. We took one during Katie¡¯s graduation and we away with a better understanding. When the kids were back in school and after her trip to Boston¡ªwe¡¯d talk again. If this had any chance of working out, no matter all of the negative things that pierced my mind, I couldn¡¯t give her any grief.

    After three days of a silent phone, my negative emotions threatened to get the best of me again¡ªtorn between feeling like I never meant a thing to her and feeling like I let her down. The more hopelessness I felt, the more I realized the Vicodin helped me more than the therapy and Zoloft did. I began to feel I¡¯ve exhausted all avenues to be the man she needed me to be. But also felt that she had to become the woman I needed her to be before I could become the man she needed me to be. If she needed me to be compliant and complicit, I couldn¡¯t be that man for her because it hurt to share her in anyway with Jackson. I got in this because I trusted her pain and that she wanted that to change. If she could stay with him after all we shared¡ªI couldn¡¯t trust her love¡ªour form of love for each other was disconnected. Our love held the key to end her pain, but I need her promise to leave him¡ªand to know by promising me that she wasn¡¯t breaking promises she made to her kids. It¡¯s not the fact she was still there that led me to question her love for me. It was the fact she couldn¡¯t make a promise to leave him even after telling me she would be with me if she fell in love with me. How could she not expect me to form my stories and own conclusions? If she was in my shoes, she¡¯d feel the same way. The hard truth was that she never believed in love long enough to know what it truly was. Unfortunately for me, I learned this after I fell deeply in love with her.

    As I laid depressed in bed, unable to sleep, at two minutes before one in the morning on August 22<sup>nd</sup>, 2009, she cracked.

    ANYA: ¡°Morning!¡±

    All my negative thoughts fell like an arctic shelf crashing into the sea, when her message came at such an unusual time.

    ME: ¡°Morning. I hope you¡¯re doing ok.¡±

    I didn¡¯t hear back from her until forty-six minutes past eight that morning.

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m just ok. Hope u r ok too. I¡¯m not ready to talk to you. I can¡¯t do it. I have kids from Katie¡¯s HS coming over for a bbq so I will be very busy. Take care.¡±

    Her message sucked the hope out of me knowing she threw a bbq for kids that Katie barely knew¡ªintroducing an entire whole new group of people to the fa?ade. Of course, it was great for Katie, helping her get acclimated to her new school easier, and also very sweet of Anya to do. But I saw the politics and networking behind it too because my heart was vested. If Anya ever felt like I discounted her emotions¡ªthis kind of thing was why I felt she discounted my reason for choosing to trust she would never leave me hanging if I fell for her. Did they choose this school for Katie in the hopes of drumming up new business or way to get Jackson elected? Was this bbq geared more for her parents than it was for Katie? I felt awful thinking this way¡ªit was horrible but my past failures with women forced me to always be in defense mode. I didn¡¯t realize how deep my scar was¡ªthat I didn¡¯t even trust people who told me they loved me anymore. If Anya ever believed Katie felt she was ¡°cool¡±, her popularity seemed to be something her parents encouraged her to have. I could never give Anya grief over this but every little thing she did now chipped my hope of ever being together away. And with each chip¡ªit made me more disconnected from hope. If I never analyzed the things she did, I¡¯d have no idea what she planned to do. But this seemed to be what she always planned to do, like she had done to others in the past¡ªto let them go after her ego was fed¡ªproviding yet another shining example of how this relationship was never about me. After all we¡¯ve shared, after all I¡¯ve lost, my reward was for her to continue building the lie to an entire new group of people. If I didn¡¯t feel she misrepresented her life to me, I felt completely misled by it now. I couldn¡¯t even reason in her defense anymore¡ªthat she did these things so she¡¯d be disconnected from being alone with Jackson. The fact of the matter was I couldn¡¯t because she announced to an entire new set of people that this is my husband and we¡¯re happily married. To say I felt wholly disrespected would¡¯ve been an understatement.

    ME: ¡°You sent me a message last night. Was that meant for me?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yes¡±

    ME: ¡°Ok¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Sorry was drunk. Emotions.¡±

    ME: ¡°Ok. I figured. I hope the bbq goes well. Take care over there.¡±

    I thought this last instant message would be my last contact with her until she hit me with a hard truth.

    ANYA: ¡°I find myself drinking too much every nite just to get thru and not hurt.¡±

    When she hit me with this left cross from out of nowhere¡ªevery negative emotion I felt about the party blew up in my face. I¡¯d take anything from her to quell my negative emotions as tears fell down my face after reading her message. Did she think I wanted this life for her? A life without me? This connected me with her¡ªI did the same thing but used a different source of self-medication. Anya had kids though¡ªwhat would stop her from driving them around drunk? Who would get them from point A to point B if something happened to her? Who would be there to help them with their homework and life struggles if something happened to her? Jackson? The man who hid behind parties he paid for to make it seem he was there for them? Once again, I began to backtrack on ALL of my negative emotions about her true intentions¡ªI knew her pain all too well to believe her love wasn¡¯t genuine¡ªand I felt awful for all I put her through.

    ME: ¡°How long has this been going on? Since Tuesday?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I have to go, sorry. At the emergency room with Andrew. Think he broke his arm. Lot of pain and can¡¯t move his arm. Take care.¡±

    ME: ¡°OMG! R u serious? I¡¯m sorry to hear that. Ok. Take care. I¡¯m here if you need me.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Thx¡±

    I had no idea she texted me from the emergency room, but after a night of being critical of her, I suddenly crossed back over the line of love. I waited about an hour before texting her again for an update on Andrew.

    ME: ¡°Did he break his arm?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Don¡¯t know yet¡±

    ME: ¡°Was it the same arm he broke playing baseball?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yes¡±

    ME: ¡°Poor Andrew. That¡¯s too bad. So sorry to hear that. That¡¯s a bummer.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Thx. Gotta go.¡±

    I didn¡¯t know who to feel worse for¡ªAndrew or Anya. It seemed when one thing was going well something else would rear its ugly head, and stress her out even more. Although there were things she failed to teach her kids, she was nothing short of a phenomenal mom. No parent was perfect and I know she did the best she could. She had resources at her disposal and I had no problem with her utilizing them. My only issue was she seemed to think those resources would completely disappear by being with me, and that was hard to understand. It broke my heart when she perceived my advice as being critical of her parenting skills but I had to be brave enough to tell her things no one would tell her. Their whole family seemed like a political party¡ªkept together for networking and business purposes, with no set values. Lying was looked upon as a noble act and money seemed to take center stage. Anya and Jackson had a lot to protect their kids from, but instead of looking at themselves for the answer, they pointed the finger at others¡ªeven those who loved them. I was blind to what happened behind the scenes¡ªthose actions that gave their family validity in the eyes of those around them. How Anya keeping the fa?ade alive enabled them to gain things and favors from others. If the truth was ever learned, it would not only end the false family environment predicated on their acquired wealth, but would also expose the layer of people who unknowingly protected it. The entity she worked so hard to protect, that she claimed she really wanted to change, was something she never planned to give up on. That was a tough thing to accept for me. This marriage was really no different than a multiheaded serpent that was ready to strike the same day she told me ¡°I love you forever¡±.

    Later that evening, Anya updated me.

    ANYA: ¡°Bad sprain. Splint no cast! Whew!¡±

    ME: ¡°That¡¯s great to hear! I mean it sucks but at least it¡¯s not broken. Thx for sharing.¡±

    After Anya informed me about the bittersweet news, I called my mom asking for some advice on how to handle some of my negative feelings. After I got off the phone with her, I texted Anya to share what my she told me.

    ME: ¡°Just talked to my mom about our disagreement. She let me have it. Wasn¡¯t pleasant to hear from her. Told me and I quote ¡°You¡¯re acting just like every other man¡± and ¡°Give her a break she¡¯s under a lot of stress at home¡±. My mom is always on your side. I just wanted you to know that. I know you don¡¯t want to talk to me right now and I respect that. I do want you to be happy and if that makes you happy then that is what I have to do. Have a good night.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Thank u.¡±

    Only under extreme despair did I ever share details about my relationship with my mother. Whenever I did, she usually gave me good advice that helped me see another side to the argument. Even when I stated my case, she always took Anya¡¯s side. When she told me she was drinking to get through the days, it crushed me knowing I self medicated to get me through the days too. It was fine for me to do, but Anya had kids and could affect them if she had to drive them around inebriated. I don¡¯t know if she was drinking because Jackson was not really talking to her or if she missed me¡ªmaybe a combination of both, but my mental anguish was second to what she went through at home right now.

    After not hearing from her the following day, I opened a bottle of wine from the prior Christmas. One glass led to another, until the bottle was empty. I then composed a message to Anya.

    ME: ¡°Ok my turn to drunk message you. This is most I¡¯ve drank since San Dego. One of ur favorite phrases when you get mad at me is ¡°U know what?¡±. Well you know what? I love you forever. You know what? I miss you like crazy. You know what? I think you¡¯re the most beautiful girl in the world. I know you hate me right now, but I love you. I care about you more than you can possible imagine. I just wish to show you. I know you don¡¯t want to talk to me but know that u r all I know and ever want to now.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I don¡¯t hate you.¡±

    I could barely read her response with the room spinning around me. When I woke the next morning, my head ached far worse than it did the morning in San Diego with her. The next day I couldn¡¯t get out of bed¡ªthe first time I didn¡¯t hear from her and was fine with her silence. The next day she seemed to wonder if I was alive.

    ANYA: ¡°How r u? U ok?¡±

    After reading her text, sober eyes stared at the ceiling wondering about the aftermath of the drunk message I sent. It was my first drunk text to someone and didn¡¯t know what to expect.

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m still not feeling well. How r u?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Sorry to hear that. R u sick? I¡¯m ok. Just trying to focus on kids and trying to hang in there.¡±

    As mad as she made with some of things she texted me, she had to do what she had to do and the last thing I wanted was for her to have to hang in there. I refused to be like every other man and had to acknowledge and be respectful of her stress level at home¡ªeven when it felt like she didn¡¯t respect all I had to deal with.

    ME: ¡°Yes. Just not feeling well. I drank too much on Saturday night. I think it knocked me out of whack. Was sick all day yesterday. Lightweight here. I thought you were in Boston. Is that next week?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I leave on Thursday.¡±

    ME: ¡°Oh I see.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m sorry.¡±

    ME: ¡°It¡¯s my fault. Stupid man here. I¡¯m sorry too.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°How¡¯s the job hunt going?¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m going to meet with my friend¡¯s Dad, who runs his own CPA firm, next week.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Very cool! No harm in meeting with him.¡±

    ME: ¡°I agree. We¡¯ll see what happens. How is Andrew doing? Is he bummed out?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°He¡¯s ok. Yea pretty bummed out. 2-4 weeks.¡±

    ME: ¡°He¡¯ll be back on the field in no time.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yup¡±

    I think Anya wanted the break from running him around everywhere. Not in the manner she received one but she was run down and extremely busy. Andrew¡¯s bad sprain was a blessing in disguise.

    Later in the day, I sent her another message.

    ME: ¡°Hope you¡¯re doing ok over there.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m ok. Still sick?¡±

    ME: ¡°I feel better thanks.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m glad.¡±

    ME: ¡°Take it easy over there. Sleep well.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Thx. You too.¡±

    Her life had to be a living hell after Jackson stalked me on Facebook. She was no longer the loving Anya I knew¡ªbesieged with guilt and turning into someone I didn¡¯t know. I just didn¡¯t think she should feel guilty about a thing unless she misrepresented her situation to me. I wanted to save her from this false sense of duty others made her feel. She couldn¡¯t be living her life to the fullest¡ªthe thing she told me God demanded from us¡ªif she stayed married to Jackson. Did she blame herself for Jackson¡¯s many infidelities? She was perfect and beautiful in every way¡ªa famous singer even saw that in her. No man in their right mind, if she were single, wouldn¡¯t jump at the chance to date her. After all we¡¯ve shared, even calling me her soulmate, how could she not expect me to not fight for her? Even if I had to take the fight to her husband? I wasn¡¯t looking for a dime from him¡ªand any monetary agreement they reached would go solely to the kids. I wanted to take care of Anya. Sure, I couldn¡¯t do it as well financially as Jackson did, but eighty percent of the men out there would fall short too. At this point in the marriage, where there is no longer any trust, it made no sense for her to stay but to find a way we could make this work out. As the man who loved her, I had to be brave enough to make her see things that made me crazy. If she loved me, she would understand them and know I was on her side regardless of how I felt. Even if she loved another, my advice would remain the same, she could not deprive herself of living life to the fullest by staying for the sake of the kids¡ªGod demands it.

    Without Anya in my life, it had no real meaning. This was it¡ªand I knew it. After returning home from the movie theater, I sent her a series of texts.

    ME: ¡°I went and saw ¡°500 Days of Summer¡± for the second time. I don¡¯t know if you remember the scene when they were playing the Hall & Oates song ¡°You Make My Dreams¡±. That scene just cracked me up because I swear to God I¡¯ve felt that way inside every time (except when we breakup) I¡¯ve seen you. That feeling of being on top of the world. A huge high.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯ve spent the last seven days writing this huge message to you. I think I¡¯ve gone through 6 drafts and I was even working on it the night you texted me. I was just at home worried sick about you. You¡¯re right about a lot of things. I didn¡¯t go on Zoloft because of your marriage. That was an awful thing to say to you. I went on it because I wanted to be the man I was before I ever said anything to hurt you. I went on it to win you back. Even though I don¡¯t allow things to bother me as much anymore. There are those days like Tuesday when I miss you really bad. More than usual. Most of the time I¡¯m good but then I get overwhelmed with the missing and it does upset me. Not all the time and it doesn¡¯t happen often but it does happen.¡±

    ME: ¡°You can get on my FB any time. I could really care less. What upset me is that I felt I wouldn¡¯t be able to see you for a while because now he¡¯s watching your every move. I really wanted to build on the ¡°I love you more than ever¡± feelings after SF. I miss you so much especially after SF, it made me pressure you again. I have to give you all the credit in the world though. No matter what has happened with him, even on the same day he suspected, in our relationship, you never stopped seeing me when most people in your situation probably would have got scared and stopped. That¡¯s love and I really appreciated that. I don¡¯t think I¡¯ve ever told you that.¡±

    ME: ¡°About the ¡°threats¡± I made. I just didn¡¯t understand a lot. It¡¯s hard to explain how I feel on this end to you because we are on opposite ends. I have admittingly shaken your trust but I¡¯d never break your trust. There¡¯s a difference of words versus actions. The only reason I made the ¡°threats¡±, I¡¯ve done it twice, once after your broke up with me suddenly and unexpectedly in October and then of course, the recent time. I was really lost and confused. It¡¯s really hard for me to understand sometimes. It¡¯s not like I don¡¯t trust you but it¡¯s easier for me to think that there was something you weren¡¯t telling me that would help me understand better, if I knew, why we weren¡¯t together. I felt if I has this missing knowledge then I could move on if I had to.¡±

    ME: ¡°I guess I was hoping to scare you into telling me things I didn¡¯t know, but something better happened though. I found out you weren¡¯t hiding anything and I was just making things up mostly because of my past experiences with women being less than honest with me. ¡°Brutal honesty¡± is all I¡¯ve ever asked for. I¡¯ve come to learn it just saves a lot of time and heartache from believing in something that isn¡¯t true. I¡¯d rather be hurt one time by the truth rather than be protected several times by lies. When you love someone as much as I love you, throw the situation in the mix, I¡¯m really vulnerable. It¡¯s the most helpless feeling I¡¯ve ever had. I hate feeling like a fool and I wanted control of something to prevent feeling like one. I¡¯m not saying what I did was right. I don¡¯t want to lose you so I¡¯d never break your trust.¡± Support the creativity of authors by visiting the original site for this novel and more.

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m just as tired as you are of the 20 questions, the accusations, etc. I know it doesn¡¯t seem that way but believe me, I pay for it dearly every time too. I¡¯ve been so depressed. More than ever. It is so hard to see someone you love dearly go through what you go through on a daily basis. I just want to hold you and never let go. Kiss you and tell you everything is going to be ok. I want to take a lot off your plate. It gets the best of me sometimes because I want that so badly. I know one thing is for sure, without a doubt, if we were together, you would love me even more. I think you would see the kind of person I really am. It¡¯s tough knowing that.¡±

    ME: ¡°I don¡¯t really want to talk about this. It just makes me sick to my stomach. I just wanted to get some of this off my chest. I want you to work on you. I want you to focus on your kids. Just know I miss you a lot and I love you very much. I¡¯m here if you need me.¡±

    It broke my heart to know a mother resorted to drinking to deal with the emptiness that surrounded her because I couldn¡¯t keep my emotions in check. I felt responsible for her sadness and I wanted her to know how I felt. What I didn¡¯t know however, was the way she truly felt about us.

    ANYA: ¡°Ok Landyn although I appreciate your messages I don¡¯t want to go back into it. Bottom line is we are both in pain. You hurt because you can¡¯t be with me and you want it now. You tried not to pressure me but it happened many times. You can¡¯t take it back. I hurt because I feel like I really did take a chance and all I got in the end was hatred and resentment. You forever question my love and honesty. If you can¡¯t believe me there¡¯s nothing I can do about that. You say you don¡¯t question my love but you contradict yourself all the time. ¡°You said this or you did this and that¡¯s how I know you really do love me¡±. Uh well no duh. I¡¯ve put my life out there and things will never be the same again and you continue to go back and either jab or accuse or threat. You say you only threatened twice but can¡¯t you understand that was too times too many? When I decided to take a chance with you, I couldn¡¯t have imagined you would ever pressure me or threaten me. I trusted you. Had I known I would have so stopped talking to you right away. I don¡¯t see how things can be repaired. Every time I ask you to meet me or meet me out of town, I pay for it afterwards too. How could you expect me to keep seeing you when I get pressure for a long time after each meeting? I make you crazy and I can¡¯t carry that guilt anymore. I carry enough every day and I can¡¯t do it. In order for you to get better I need to let you go and you need to let me go. I hope to god that you take ¡°us¡± and turn it into a positive life experience and not make it into a negative part of your life. We got to feel the real thing, we grew, we learned, we laughed and enjoyed pure euphoria as you say. I want you to get out of your depression and make life a better life for you. I don¡¯t want you to blame him or me anymore for your unhappiness. Only you can make yourself happy. You can¡¯t depend on anyone else to make it happen for you. So Landyn, just let me go. Walk away with good memories. My life will never be the same and I will pay for the rest of my life. At least you have a chance. I will always love you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I will always be here if you want to or need to talk.¡±

    I had to read her response several times before I could think about responding. I didn¡¯t expect her to be with me right now but I didn¡¯t think a promise to be together, if she truly loved me, was out of line to want now. I didn¡¯t hate or resent her, but how come she couldn¡¯t feel guilty about staying after all we shared? After all she trusted me with? Why share so much, then instruct me to let her go? How could she expect any man, who loved and cared for her a much as I did, to know and see her pain, to tell her, ¡°Hey you¡¯re doing the right thing by staying for the kids.¡±? What seemed to be a contradiction to her was confusion because of the situation she appeared to misrepresent to me. She had just told me ¡°I love you more than ever¡± less than a month ago and now she wanted me to let her go? Speaking of contradictions, how could she tell me I brought joy back into her life then tell me she¡¯s happy when her kids were happy? Telling me not to blame him for my unhappiness set me a fire inside¡ªhow dare she defend him. And her greatest contradiction at all? To be in a two year extramarital relationship with a man for two years, telling him ¡°I love you forever¡± and ¡°I want to wear your ring¡±, then running away from him when it was time to face the music. She knew Jackson knew the truth, so why continue to live a lie? How is that living life to the fullest? How would her kids be hurt by the truth? Why run the risk of them finding out from someone else? Why would they hate their parents if Anya and Jackson were truly the ones in charge?

    How was Anya¡¯s life never the same again now? She couldn¡¯t go back to living like a single woman? She would have to go back into her marriage? She stood to lose nothing by this¡ªhe knew she was in a relationship with another man and still refused to divorce her. Why isn¡¯t Jackson the one being told to let her go? Why was the man she ¡°loved¡± being told this? How was her life different? She still had two kids. She still had a husband and a beautiful home¡ªnice cars and clothes. He wouldn¡¯t leave her and would view it as ¡°we¡¯re even¡±¡ªso what did she really lose? His trust that was never there to begin with! Anya wanted the fun and games, but not the reality. My ¡°jabs¡±, and ¡°accusations¡± and ¡°threats¡± existed because she never tried changing anything. When relegated me to friend status just like the guy in ¡°500 Days of Summer¡± was¡ªthat¡¯s why it hit home with her. She could do the same thing Summer did to that guy and Landyn would meet an Autumn and live happily ever after. That may have been the way her life unfolded in the past, but mine was far from the ending of ¡°500 Days of Summer¡±. After she secured my love for her, she changed the rules of the relationship¡ªshe felt guilty about using me for stress relief and that¡¯s why she wanted me to let her go and for me to be ¡°happy¡±. I needed her to care about my happiness the night I met her, not now. She ruined me for others by doing what she did¡ªI¡¯d never trust another woman as long as I lived. I expected someone who didn¡¯t love me to send a message like that, but not someone who ever believed I was her soulmate. I couldn¡¯t help but feel bamboozled and gaslighted. How could she add up all we¡¯ve shared and experienced, and feel the right thing to do was to stay in her marriage? It made me want to seek the answers she¡¯d never tell me because they would hurt me. I never asked for nor did I ever want her protection from the truth. If she was going to rip my heart out, I wanted her to rip it all the way out. If she truly didn¡¯t want accusations, jabs and threats why did she do things to inspire them from me? I didn¡¯t know what to believe anymore after I read her text.

    I had to read ¡°when I decided to take a chance with you, I couldn¡¯t have imagined you would ever pressure or threaten me.¡± five times over, if not more. Did she think in a million years, after asking her what she needed from me to leave her husband, after knowing I asked because I didn¡¯t want to get hurt, after being told the only reason she was there was because no one wanted to be with a woman with ¡°baggage¡±, after being told she was still there because no one would be there for her if she left, and after being told she would be with me if she fell in love with me, that I couldn¡¯t imagine she would ever grossly misrepresent herself to me? And I was the one who contradicted myself all the time? I never accused her of contradicting herself even when she did on a major scale. I couldn¡¯t have imagined she would blame me for the turmoil in her life and not her shitty marriage. I couldn¡¯t have imagined that she would defend her husband in any way. I couldn¡¯t have imagined that she would turn me into a homewrecker instead of her hero. Did she think if I had known these things, after being told I broke her heart by leaving her the first time because she was married with kids, I would¡¯ve taken a chance with her? I loved sex but I had control over my libido¡ªdon¡¯t ever confuse me with the pig you chose to build a life with. How could she have even thought to send that to me after I walked away from her initially? Did she have early symptoms of Alzheimer¡¯s disease? How could she so conveniently forget all those things? That¡¯s right, those misrepresentations affected me, not her.

    Did she ever think I could¡¯ve imagined that wanting someone, who wanted to wear my ring, to make a promise to be with me would be perceived as pressuring or threatening her? We both sought the same thing; safety¡ªwe just had different means of obtaining it. Almost two years later of loving someone with all I had and this was my reward? Her goal had to be to make me crazy to justify letting me go. What she did wasn¡¯t right. This text was as wrong as wrong comes. I already knew what love was. I¡¯ve always believed in it, and she grew because of my belief in love. But I knew love enough to know, that it¡¯s not the real thing unless she did her part to make it the real thing. But this had become all too real for her, and she lived in a fantasy world.

    Another headscratcher was when she jabbed me with ¡°Only you can make yourself happy¡±. After leading me to believe I was the one who made her happy for nearly two years, she hit me with that. This message could not have come from someone who was in love with me. All these things she texted to me, if she truly loved me, were all things Jackson should be reading and hearing; not me. I knew I couldn¡¯t depend on anyone to make that happen for me, but people should be able to depend on happiness from the people who claimed to love them, especially those who wanted to wear their ring. For her to step up her game by telling me not to blame him for my unhappiness, made me seethe inside. Everything was great until he stalked me on Facebook¡ªshe even loved me more than ever. A long as Jackson had money and it kept the kids happy, she had zero plans of leaving. She made the decision to hide who Jackson was from me, knowing full well he could harm my life with the power he held¡ªand knowing full well if I knew she¡¯d never be able to repair her ego.

    As much as I began to see things I hoped to never seriously consider, I couldn¡¯t respond to her before I calmed myself down. The plank of sanity cracking beneath my feet with every negative thought that seared my mind. Not only would her life never be the same, but mine as well. She seemed to conveniently forget I tried to stop talking to her the time I left her at the bar. Five months later, after she told me I broke her heart by leaving her, even not being able to understand why I did, we reconnected so she could break mine. For her to view me as a homewrecker, after walking away from her, after allowing and encouraging me to fall deeply in love with her, after asking me to fight for her, after doing all the things she asked of me in order for her to make me a promise to leave, then her response was an intentional infliction of emotional distress. She would take many years away from me now, not just two of them and I¡¯d probably never have kids of my own, especially after learning what she taught me about having them. I tried to fight off these treacherous feelings¡ªI didn¡¯t want to upset her. She would just scoff at them anyway¡ªshe was no longer in love with me, if she ever truly was. All I could do was try to learn what the real truth was if she wanted me to let her go.

    ME: ¡°Love doesn¡¯t abandon the ones you love in their time of need and I don¡¯t plan on abandoning you. I know you say ¡°I¡¯m happy when my kids are happy¡±. That¡¯s a really nice noble thing to say but I don¡¯t believe that because I¡¯m sure they were happy before you met me and you have told me several times you¡¯re unhappy. If I thought you were making a mistake before FB, I know for a fact you¡¯re making a huge mistake by staying now. I really believe that. Do you really want to live the rest of your life this way? Him looking over your shoulder constantly? I still believe in us even if I can¡¯t get to see you. I don¡¯t hate you. I¡¯ve never used the word ¡°hate¡± ever in regards to you and I never will.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I don¡¯t want to continue. I want you to be happy and move on with your future.¡±

    Now she cared about my future? Or did I just speak too much truth for her to handle? Why not tell me you¡¯re not in love with me anymore? It¡¯s fine¡ªwomen change their minds all the time, right? How was it that she could advise what she thought was best for me, but when I did the same, she turned a blind eye to it? After all she shared that led me here, I had every right in the world for her to choose happiness and move on with her future¡ªeven if it didn¡¯t include me. I dug for more information from her to confirm what I¡¯ve come to fear and all I¡¯ve ever questioned. If she was in love with me, she should have no problem proving it.

    ME: ¡°So there is no hope for us?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Not at this point. I¡¯ve made up my mind.¡±

    ME: ¡°Sounds like you¡¯ve fallen out of love with me.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°No. Don¡¯t question me.¡±

    ME: ¡°Ok. I¡¯ll trust you then.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Good.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m going to fight to save you then.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°What? What does that mean Landyn?¡±

    ME: ¡°Just putting my trust in all you¡¯ve ever told me. All you¡¯ve ever allowed me to feel. Everything you¡¯ve ever told me, everything you¡¯ve ever showed me and led me to believe in your love for me over the last 2 years. I¡¯m going to put my complete trust in.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°You¡¯re doing it again. Threatening me and using what I¡¯ve told you against me. Do you understand what you¡¯re doing? If you truly want me to be happy then just let me be. This is why I tell you I can¡¯t talk to you. All you have to say is ¡°I will respect your wishes¡± and I would be more open to talking to you. Instead, you twist it and don¡¯t respect my wishes. I have to go.¡±

    She wanted me to respect her ¡°wishes¡± but how come she couldn¡¯t respect mine by making a promise if she truly loved me? I knew she had feelings for me and I knew she cared, but not like a lover would. If she viewed this as a ¡°threat¡± then she had to be hiding something from me.

    ME: ¡°See what I mean? You¡¯re not being real with me. You tell me so many great things then I tell you I want to be with you and you run away like a scared five-year-old child. It¡¯s like you only love me as long as you don¡¯t have to be with me, as long as you can stay in your marriage. How can you take the end of your marriage as a threat if you truly wanted to be with me? how did you think that would happen? While you¡¯re still married? How can you view anything I say as a threat? You are in love with me.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s not all about you you you. Maybe you should look at what has caused me to leave. You can¡¯t treat me the way you have and demand me back. You just can¡¯t. I can¡¯t erase everything you¡¯ve done to me the last 7 months. You don¡¯t even give me time or chance!¡±

    ME: ¡°I guess people who cheat on you several times are more deserving of a chance. I think these are words that should be reserved for that wonderful man you married. How many years did you need from me? 50?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m talking about your anger and your pressure! Just let me go! Time will tell and you¡¯re not being patient! I need to go!¡±

    Did she really think I demanded her back? It¡¯s not like we haven¡¯t talked to each other in months¡ªwe¡¯ve been in touch every day. I had been patient for two years¡ªduring that time I lost a career job, my professional reputation and friendships, yet this was all about me, me and me? The most frustrating thing was how she wouldn¡¯t allow me to love her the way I wanted to¡ªhow she tied my hands behind my back even after her husband attacked me by taking her away by stalking me on Facebook. She could love me any way she chose, but if I did the same, I was a monster.

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m not angry. I told you I¡¯m going to put trust in your love for me. I¡¯m not angry at all.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°You¡¯re not angry? Well maybe you should have not acted angry the past 7 months. Well I¡¯m angry! I¡¯m angry I trusted you with everything! I¡¯m angry you let me down with threats and accusations! I¡¯m angry you made me angry! I¡¯m angry you made me scared of you! I¡¯m angry you made us this way! I¡¯m angry you didn¡¯t give us a chance and got impatient! I¡¯m angry I risked everything and you always looked at it as if you were the only one hurt and affected! I¡¯m angry for the pressure! I¡¯m angry you¡¯re not respecting my wishes! I¡¯m angry!!!¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m angry you didn¡¯t give us a chance and got impatient¡± hit me at my heart¡¯s core. That singular honest statement took a million negative emotions away from me in an instant. It even justified her reasons for misrepresenting herself to me¡ªdone so she could feel loved. This kind of emotional honesty, although unpleasant came from the Anya I fell in love with. The beauty in her anger was the passion behind it¡ªshe was dying inside over this, over us turning out the way we were, and I needed to feel that. She never fought with Jackson because there was no passion there and it made her ¡°I¡¯m angry¡± message translate to ¡°I love you, fucker.¡± When I sent those texts to her the previous night, I told her to not respond to them¡ªthey didn¡¯t need to be discussed. I thought she would appreciate that¡ªbut the fact she responded at all to defend herself was why I fell so in love with her. Anya and I butted heads because we were the same person and she taught me more about love than I would ever know if I hadn¡¯t have met her. My presentation was too emotionally unintelligent because my feelings for her had outgrown the contained nature of our relationship¡ªmore so after Jackson stalked me on Facebook. This response, as brutally honest as it was, is all I ever wanted from her. I could let her go knowing it was not what she wanted.

    ME: ¡°Ok. Relax. I don¡¯t want you to get angry.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Too late!¡±

    Knowing first hand how she felt, anger was a natural emotion when you were passionate about someone. If she wasn¡¯t angry, it should scare the shit out of me. I preferred her being at peace than being angry¡ªher anger was just something I needed to see. When she told me she was angry that I didn¡¯t give us a chance and got impatient¡ªI took it to heart because I felt the same disappointment she did. Her anger provided the spark needed for a connection and that¡¯s exactly what I needed. I never wanted to inspire anger from her, but rather emotions consistent with being in love. Whenever she acted like she could care less, that¡¯s what made me question her love out of fear. Our love shouldn¡¯t be anger less¡ªno real relationship was and this confirmed it¡¯s what I had. If she felt like she had to let me go then she should be livid with me. If she was truly in love with me, it should feel like something she wouldn¡¯t want to do. Sadly, I needed her to let me have it so I could respect her wishes.

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry. Let¡¯s calm down. I didn¡¯t realize how angry you were with me. I¡¯m glad you got that off your chest.¡±

    I hoped she wanted to talk to me, but after ten minutes of my life passed me by without a word, I responded to thin air.

    ME: ¡°I understand, ok? I do.¡±

    After an hour of silence passed, I sent her one last text.

    ME: ¡°I¡¯ll leave you alone.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Don¡¯t message me. I don¡¯t want to talk to you. My kids left me cuz they are scared. I have to go. I¡¯m leaving town Thursday and I will not talk to you. This is their trip! I will be fully engaged with them! Take care.¡±

    I remembered the days my texts felt like presents to her, now they were more like improvised explosive devices.

    ME: ¡°I like it when you¡¯re real with me. Even if it hurts. You don¡¯t have to tippie toe past me. There¡¯s no charade here. Just two people with real feelings being honest with eachother. I appreciate you telling me that you¡¯re angry. You won¡¯t hear from me. Please have a nice trip.¡±

    I needed to respect her wishes¡ªit killed me to learn her emotions scared her kids away. I felt even worse knowing I ruined her day with them. She was well within her right to tell me to get lost and to leave her alone. As she vacationed in Boston, a descent from life truly began for me. I visited my mother just to load up on Vicodin, using them for survival. I then made the executive decision to stop taking Zoloft, sending me into brain shivers. When my therapist forgot to log me into her schedule book, it seemed to be a sign from the universe¡ªthere was no saving me. After this last argument with Anya, it was time to accept there was no chance for us. I had to face reality¡ªno matter how hard I worked, or hard I tried, or how much I sacrificed, things I wanted in life always found a way to elude me. I couldn¡¯t even have my soulmate without a caveat attached to it. This was the last joke I allowed the universe to play on me. With the exception of one day, getting out of the house to stock up on Vicodin, I spent the last five days of August in bed, unable to move or even the strength to eat¡ªopting to swallow five Vicodin pills a day to help get me through the greatest depression I¡¯ve ever felt.

    Unprepared mentally to go back to work in a mental profession¡ªI stopped sending resumes out¡ªresigning to hopelessness and the greatest recession in the history of the United States. Imagining her in Boston, relieved to be with her kids and Jackson, and not with me¡ªinspired an appetite for pain killers. Knowing her only remedy for my situation was not a promise, but to let me go, also made me reach for more painkillers. I had no choice but to accept her terms once again¡ªa relationship she said I made about myself. The more anguish I felt, the less I felt deserving of it.

    I no longer wanted to go through life getting over a heart break for the next several years after it took me so long to get over Denise. This broken heart would be by far the worst and the hardest to understand¡ªthere could be no reason for this. I hated who I was¡ªhow my heart and mind constantly waged war against each other, destroying any chance to have love¡ªor the marriage and kids I always dreamt of having. Women would only judge me for not having any significant long-term relationships. They would also continue to think I couldn¡¯t be for real if I loved them¡ªeven judging me for things I had no control over. It was men like Jackson who had dreams come true for them. I came into this world a century too late to be appreciated. I gave all I had to offer to someone who never needed it¡ªlove was a luxury to Anya because she believed it would hurt her kids. Women would only continue to judge me for showing the heart on my sleeve too soon or using it to gain the upper hand when the time came to show it to them. Anya¡¯s silence confirmed what I already suspected¡ªshe only needed me when her kids were in school or her stress level was high and needed a break from it. No doubt she loved me, but she was never willing to lose the life she claimed to hate. She was definitely willing to risk losing all Jackson gave her, but wasn¡¯t willing to lose it. After our weekend in San Francisco, when she told me she loved me more than ever, a promised seemed to be on the horizon. When Jackson got into my Facebook account, I truly believed it would be the last straw for her. She even joked around asking me if I was willing to teach Andrew how to play tackle football¡ªan opportunity I would¡¯ve given my life to have. Instead, she immersed herself in the fa?ade, afraid to lose it all¡ªdooming my heart for the rest of my life. There was no doubt she loved me, but only if the relationship remained on her terms. It wasn¡¯t fair to encourage and allow me to fall deeply in love with her if being with me meant having to give up her kids. I could only feel the lust in that, but not the love. Whenever I threatened to shift the relationship towards any terms and conditions of mine, she¡¯d leave me in the dust. It was her way or the highway, and once I began to learn that, I knew this depression I¡¯d sink into would only consume, then eventually end me.

    On the thirtieth day of August, marking the twenty first month of our relationship, while reaching for another pill to get me through the day, I received a message I didn¡¯t expect to hear any time soon.

    ANYA: ¡°I just want to let you know that I¡¯m ok and that I hope you are too.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m glad. R u home?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°No not till Wednesday.¡±

    ME: ¡°Ok. Thanks for letting me know you¡¯re ok.¡±

    There was no way I would tell her what I was going through¡ªshe¡¯d only feel burdened by it. Of course, losing Anya put it into motion, but ending my life has been in the works for years before I met her. Wanting to remove myself completely from the world I hung up my bed cover over my window, not allowing a sliver of sunlight into my room¡ªfrom the same sun that used to inspire beach days. Feeling like a paraplegic, I laid motionless, submitting to total despair and darkness. How could I show so little gratitude for a life that others would¡¯ve died for? My mind was completely diseased¡ªunable to step outside of myself to consider how wonderful my life seemed to others. We only knew the pain we felt¡ªmentally I felt I had been dismembered and dumped in a grave to rot. If my mind couldn¡¯t differentiate that feeling from the actual thing¡ªthere was no hope for me.

    On the second day of September in the middle of the afternoon, Anya texted me again.

    ANYA: ¡°How r u? How is the interview process going?¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m ok. To be honest not really going at all. I was supposed to interview with my friend¡¯s dad¡¯s firm but they are busy right now. My heart isn¡¯t really into it much anyway. How r u? R u back home now? How was the trip?¡±

    I didn¡¯t know how to feel about her text when I received it, but at least she cared enough about me to see how I was doing. If she truly wanted me to let us go, she wouldn¡¯t have messaged me, helping me feel a little bit better.

    ANYA: ¡°Oh I see. Something will turn up. Have you heard from any other places? Yes, got home late last night and was at Katie¡¯s new high school all day for orientation. Trip was good.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m sure once I start getting on it I will find something. I just want to be happy where I¡¯m at. I know it¡¯s ¡°work¡± but I want to be someplace that inspires me. Did Katie like the Harvard campus?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°It makes sense if you can do it financially. Katie loved it but getting in is another story.¡±

    ME: ¡°I think anyone can do anything they wanted to if they really set their mind to it and really wanted it. I think she has all the tools, that¡¯s for sure. I think she¡¯s really bright.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°How¡¯s your mom?¡±

    ME: ¡°My mom is doing pretty good. No more chemo treatments for the time being and her hair is even starting to grow back a little bit. It¡¯s different to see her with gray hair. Thanks for asking. About my job search, fortunately for me I saved but I need to get my butt in gear. I hate my life right now.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m sorry. I know it¡¯s partly because of me.¡±

    ME: ¡°I know it¡¯s been too tough for you. Just don¡¯t hate me please.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I don¡¯t hate you I promise.¡±

    ME: ¡°Thank you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Thx. R u still taking ur meds?¡±

    ME: ¡°No I decided to stop against the doctor¡¯s orders.¡±

    When I didn¡¯t hear back from her after my text, I sent her a follow-up white lie.

    ME: ¡°Just kidding. I¡¯m still on them.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ha! Think it¡¯s still helping?¡±

    ME: ¡°My therapist called me today wondering how come I haven¡¯t seen her and I had to tell her I lost my job and I¡¯m waiting to get medical again before I see her. She offered her services for free but I felt bad. I think I may have to up the dosage to be honest. I can¡¯t get out of bed. I woke up at 1:30 today. I¡¯m just really listless.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Really? How have you been spending your days?¡±

    I couldn¡¯t tell her about quitting Zoloft, or about the brain shivers, or how I¡¯ve been in bed for four straight days popping Vicodin like candy. What I felt was years in the making before we met and although our relationship kicked my depression into overdrive, it wasn¡¯t fair to make her feel guilty about it.

    ME: ¡°Haha! I have to plead the 5<sup>th</sup> on that one! Let¡¯s just put it this way. I¡¯m not sure what day it is.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ok u need to get out of bed and go do something babe. Really.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m just in a funk right now. I¡¯ll snap out of it.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m worried about you. Are you still in bed?¡±

    It was sweet to read she was worried about me, but my mind to leave this world was pretty made up. Without her, my journey on earth no longer made any sense. Afraid she would feel responsible, I had to lie to her.

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m out of bed now. I¡¯ll be ok babe. Please don¡¯t worry.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ok. It¡¯s nice out.¡±

    ME: ¡°It is pretty nice out. I just noticed it. It¡¯s been hot here. How was the weather in Boston?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°It was perfect in Boston. No humidity and in the high 70¡¯s ¨C 80¡¯s. Tons of history in Boston. Lexington and Concord were cool! We went down the road where Paul Revere alerted the minutemen and walked on the actual battleground. I¡¯m no history buff but I loved it!¡±¡±

    ME: ¡°That¡¯s very cool! I was there with my Dad back in 1989. We basically did an east coast sports trip through Boston, Baltimore, D.C. and New York for a week. It was fun.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Did you go to Fenway Park? They are very serious about their Red Sox team.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯ll never forget my time at Fenway Park. I got to watch Roger Clemens pitch in his prime, and before all the steroid allegations. They are very serious about their baseball team and even their football team¡ªI caught a Patriots game too. Boston fans take their sport teams seriously.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yea you don¡¯t dare say you¡¯re not a Red Sox fan when you¡¯re in the audience!¡±

    ME: ¡°Haha! That¡¯s for sure!¡±

    After imagining her family trip with Jackson, with her kids likely having their own rooms, and planned even after he stalked me on Facebook, I felt more paralyzed than ever, as I threw down another Vicodin, my sixth of the day, sending my mind into shivers and threatening to destroy a heart that still wanted to believe.

 CHAPTER 18 ~ BIFURCATION

    ¡°You left this morning on an early plane

    You left your picture behind to haunt me.

    You left in a steady rain

    You¡¯ll say you miss me; say you want me.

    I¡¯m left this mornin¡¯ with a world of doubt

    I¡¯m left this mornin¡¯ indecently exposed.

    So much we never did talk about.

    And your kiss goodbye, said the case was closed.¡±

    ~ ¡°I Don¡¯t Wanna Lose You¡± Reo Speedwagon

    ANYA: ¡°This is your wake up call! The sun is up and beautiful! The world is waiting for you to charm them with your smile, grace them with your kindness, tickle them with your sense of humor and touch them with your big heart. So much out there to see, feel, touch, taste and experience. You have so much going for you and to give. So, my darling, please leave your home today and see what god gave us. ??¡±

    Her text was warm and beautiful, bringing a smile to my face through the threat of tears. The problem was I knew the sun outside paled in comparison to her beauty. My state of depression was growing so dark it blocked out the sun¡ªa star far off in a distant galaxy brought as much brightness. God had abandoned me years ago, and it was clearer than ever he was gone for good. My mind was breaking, leaving me to opt for descending into nothingness. Her text was a super sweet gesture, but after I lost my partnership promotion and then Anya, the meaning of my life had vanished.

    I didn¡¯t want to discourage her from sending me her sweet words, refusing to let her know how immobile I¡¯ve become. Without a promise to leave Jackson, a promise that should come naturally, I didn¡¯t see the second half of my life changing for the better.

    ME: ¡°Haha! That was sweet. Thanks for that.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°It is really nice today! I promise! This is your day and it¡¯s all about you! So up and adam!!??¡±

    Her ¡°up and adam¡± message made me laugh¡ªreminding me why I fell in love with her. Recalling the time she called duct tape ¡°duck tape¡± brought back some needed contentment to my life¡ªenough to consider getting out of bed and showering. If she saw herself through my eyes, how much she meant to me, she¡¯d understand why my life had to end. If I¡¯m not allowed to embrace the best feeling on the planet¡ªfalling in love, then there no longer was a purpose for being here. I¡¯d just make people miserable, even making normally peaceful people angry. I didn¡¯t want to be remembered for inability to move on from heartache. She would never be able to understand how a story ending with her staying with a mentally abusive philanderer would be impossible to ever recover from. As intentionally sweet her texts were, they only reminded me of what I lost and what would never be. As much as she believed she was, Anya was no longer in love with me. She was just killing time to make a friend feel better after being so much more. To know she was only brave enough to choose love as long as it didn¡¯t interfere with the fa?ade of her marriage was the toughest thing I¡¯ve ever had to face. Her warmth was one of the best things about her, but if I were to die tomorrow, she would never even attempt to be by my side. Knowing that, I couldn¡¯t fully embrace her heartfelt texts.

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m only on my 11<sup>th</sup> hour of sleep though! Jk! ??¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Time to move!¡±

    ME: ¡°You¡¯d be proud of me. I¡¯m at my computer now.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Off the computer and out of the house but computer is a start! ??¡±

    ME: ¡°You¡¯re too cute, babe.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°??¡±

    A few hours later, I forced myself to leave my apartment. Sitting in my car and warming it up for over ten minutes uncertain if I had the strength to be seen in public, a message came through my phone.

    ANYA: ¡°R you out of the house young man?¡±

    ME: ¡°Haha! I¡¯m in my car and out of the house I am happy to report. It¡¯s hot but beautiful out.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yay! Good for you! Yes, hot but beautiful! Life is good! Now where are you going?¡±

    ME: ¡°Good question!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Well doesn¡¯t matter. You¡¯re out of the house!!!¡±

    ME: ¡°I think I¡¯ll just drive around. Nice to be out again.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Good! I¡¯m so glad! Thank you! Smile at someone. You¡¯ll make their day! I swear! You have a great smile!¡±

    ME: ¡°Haha! Oh, I doubt that!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Believe in it!¡±

    ME: ¡°I know you¡¯re really worried about me. Thank you for your sweet texts.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I care you know.¡±

    ME: ¡°I know.¡±

    There was no doubt in my mind Anya cared about me, but it wasn¡¯t enough to save me from this sorrow¡ªjust enough to try and help me cope with it. I decided to take this small victory of leaving and parlayed it into a return to my bedroom to further contemplate my existence¡ªfeeling more removed from the world than ever before.

    My life became centered around taking a Vicodin pill, taking one every two hours in an attempt to stimulate me into looking for jobs, but all I did was read my old journals when things were good between us. Since my room was dark, I had no idea if it was day or night time. If I did fall asleep, it was no earlier than five in the morning. With my sleep cycle completely out of whack¡ªI had never felt this much in despair. Since I also wasn¡¯t eating, I couldn¡¯t tell if it was lunch or dinner time¡ªI didn¡¯t have time for breakfast. Only if Anya messaged me did I know what time it was.

    ANYA: ¡°Rise and shine! Another beautiful day! I went to work in Irvine yesterday and everybody in their blue or white shirts reminded me of you! Time to get back into the swing of things sweetie! Get up get up! Life is beautiful!¡±

    Her texts were sweet and thoughtful¡ªbut no one could save me now, not even her love. Suicide was the only answer to end this pain. Even if I got another job, my mental state wouldn¡¯t have allowed me to be successful¡ªI was done for. Anya feared that I would end my life, somehow, she could sense I was at the end of my rope, but it¡¯s the last thing I wanted her to worry about. To want sympathy is pitiful in my book, all I ever wanted was understanding. I planned to end my life not because of Anya, but a culmination of everything that happened to me in life, and not just necessarily about love. There were a lot of people who would¡¯ve loved to be in my shoes, but my mind was too diseased to recognize that. A century ago, my existence made a lot of sense¡ªbut not in this century. My suicide note to everyone will ensure no one feels responsible for any of this. If it was a sin to end my life, then a descent into nothingness made the most sense¡ªI wanted to erase my entire record of existence.

    ME: ¡°But it¡¯s sooo early! I¡¯m kidding. Thank you, Sweetheart.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ahhhh ur up! Yay!!! This is going to be a great day!¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m up but not quite yet adam. ??¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Good good!!! Going to get my hair cut off today. Going to get a long bob.¡±

    ME: ¡°Haha! What¡¯s a long bob?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°A bob down to my shoulders. Need a change.¡±

    When Anya told me about getting her hair cut, I recalled the time she asked me what I thought about it, in fear of losing me over it. Now, it seemed official¡ªher mind was made up proving what I always believed¡ªwomen never change their minds when it came to me.

    ME: ¡°Cute!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°?? We¡¯ll see!¡±

    ME: ¡°Oh I¡¯m sure. ??¡±

    ANYA: ¡°?? Thx! I¡¯ll let you know. Meanwhile you¡¯re going to get out and do something right?¡±

    ME: ¡°I plan on it. I can¡¯t tell you when or what but I have to do something.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m glad to hear that! Good for you! You¡¯re awesome! ??¡±

    ME: ¡°I really am awesome, I swear! Just kidding. I¡¯m just down right now. I¡¯m sure I¡¯ll snap out of it soon. Your words help me feel better.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°You are awesome! I know you will sweets.¡±

    ME: ¡°I just don¡¯t want you to worry about me. You have enough to worry about. I¡¯ll be ok.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Only natural to worry. I¡¯m sorry. I feel responsible for all of this.¡±

    ME: ¡°Well it¡¯s my fault for making you feel that way¡ªit¡¯s not your cross to carry. I¡¯ll get back on track. You¡¯re not responsible. Your life is what you make it. This was my choice. I¡¯ll be fine I promise.¡±

    She shouldn¡¯t have felt bad about getting angry at me. Your life is what you make it and I made it to feel the way I did at this moment. I could¡¯ve walked away and not allowed her to reconnect with me and followed my mind instead of my heart¡ªthat¡¯s not who I was though. It¡¯s my fault for not protecting myself and letting my guard down. My decision to trust she wanted me to fight for her and do all the things she asked of me for her to leave Jackson. I made my bed and now I literally, slept in it. Love simply did not want anything to do with me. I wasn¡¯t rich enough, tall enough or popular enough for her to be with me. I knew it from day one and I refused to believe it¡ªthinking me, of all people, could get her to leave a man who represented all the things I was not. Although appreciated, I didn¡¯t want Anya¡¯s sympathy. My mind was made up to end this hellish joke of a life. If I needed a drug to feel euphoric, this life wasn¡¯t worth loving. My drive to succeed has been dismantled. Years of toil, hard work, sacrifice and belief had become a complete waste of time. Although it was Anya¡¯s responsibility to inform me of the real reasons why she remained married to Jackson when we decided to give this a try, the blame rested on a weak hopelessly hopeful heart for my misery¡ªthis was all on me.

    After Anya¡¯s messages, I found the strength to shower and grab lunch out before running around to do a few errands. About two hours away from the comfort of my dark bedroom, Anya sent me an instant message.

    ANYA: ¡°Whatcha doin?¡±

    ME: ¡°Just got done getting my car washed. Did you get your haircut?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Oh good! It¡¯s hot out there! Yes, it¡¯s short! They cut 6 inches off!¡±

    ME: ¡°How do you like it?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Well I have to get used to shorter hair. It¡¯s much darker too. It¡¯s more of a sleek look than messy. Wanna see it? I can send you a pic.¡±

    ME: ¡°Yes! Of course, I do!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ok but don¡¯t laugh!¡±

    ME: ¡°Come on now. You¡¯re beautiful!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I just sent it!¡±

    When her picture arrived on my phone, I couldn¡¯t stop the tears from falling because my reality was this beauty would never belong to me. Her dark hair now curled slightly at the ends barely past her shoulders¡ªI just loved her new look, her smile making it purely perfect. She was just one of those women that could do anything with her hair and look absolutely stunning¡ªjust another form of gorgeousness. As much as my heart disallowed my eyes from her photo, my mind intruded telling me to not torture myself.

    ME: ¡°Wow! It looks great!

    ANYA: ¡°Thx! Have to get use to the dark and short.¡±

    ME: ¡°It looks perfect.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Thank you! You¡¯re sweet!¡±

    Her hair made the word beautiful an understatement¡ªbreaking my heart even more knowing I couldn¡¯t see her new haircut in person. When I didn¡¯t hear from her that evening, the new haircut had to be for a client meeting. Or maybe she reconciled with Jackson after Facebook during the Boston trip¡ªshe likely had their own bedroom away from the kids, and was out on a date with him. To my surprise though, she sent me a late night text.

    ANYA: ¡°How r u feeling?¡±

    ME: ¡°I feel ok. I did get out of the house today though. How r u?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Well you did get out so that¡¯s a good thing! I¡¯m good just worried about you.¡±

    Anya made it hard to follow through on my pact to kill myself with her sweet text at a very late hour for her. She wasn¡¯t responsible for being angry at me¡ªshe had every right in the world to let me have it. Sadly, she had turned into Summer from the movie we saw and my heart was reeling. Anya had her ¡°everything¡±, but I lost mine. If I wasn¡¯t good enough to be with my soulmate, I had no business being on the planet. All I had left to fall back on was a lost career, love and a sick mother. This relationship could never have been about me, and I dove in knowing it had to be about her. I just never dreamt she would leave me, broken beyond repair. I would leave her a personal letter explaining why I decided to take my life¡ªshe wasn¡¯t responsible for my belief in love.

    ANYA: ¡°Please feel better soon.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯ll be ok babe.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Promise?¡±

    ME: ¡°I don¡¯t make promises anymore. I¡¯m kidding! ??¡±

    How many promises have I broken already? I had to take a page out of her promise playbook and not make them in order to avoid breaking them. Unfortunately, and although I disagreed, promising to be with me was the same as hurting her kids¡ªshe forgot to tell me when we met that they trusted her to never leave her abuser. If what Anya and I had was true love full of goodness, there was no way the kids would be hurt if she left Jackson. They would only be hurt if this wasn¡¯t true love¡ªwhy it scared me that she believed her kids would be hurt by us being together.

    ME: ¡°You shouldn¡¯t feel responsible. I wouldn¡¯t want what I was doing to you if I was you either.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m worried about you. Wish I could make it better for you.¡±

    She had the power to make me feel better. But as long as she believed a promise would bring me happiness and her kids sadness, I had to accept my fate.

    ME: ¡°Me too.¡±

    I would¡¯ve rather not known this kind of love existed. To know a love so deep could lead to such emptiness brought forth my complete and total demise. I wasn¡¯t suffering from a broken heart. No, this was a broken soul. If my soulmate, the one the universe put on this earth for me, couldn¡¯t see the innate goodness in our love, then there was nothing else to live for. I didn¡¯t want to discount anything Anya felt. I fought her long and hard to see that our love would not hurt them¡ªbut in her eyes it did. When she had to spend time dealing with my emotions taking her away from them. I wasn¡¯t at home¡ªI didn¡¯t see what she did. And she wasn¡¯t home with me and wasn¡¯t inside a head that spent lonely nights while she slept next to someone else. As much as she claimed to love me because our relationship problems took her away from Katie and Andrew, that didn¡¯t mean what she felt was love. She likely believed since she told me so much, she had to show compassion to soften the threat. Now that she didn¡¯t believe the goodness in our love, talking to Jackson was fruitless. Once she felt secure that I was fine, she would disappear from my life for good and I¡¯d certainly know what I suspected for so long.

    The next morning, Anya¡¯s compassionate heart came through once again. a consistency I always craved up until now.

    ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s a beautiful morning! Am I bugging you w/my wake up calls? Well too bad cuz you¡¯re getting up! Hmmmm¡­what¡¯s on the agenda today? ??¡±

    Did hurt and sadness count as being on the agenda? Not in her wildest dreams could she ever bug me. This poor woman had to put up with a lot of my shit¡ªso much it ashamed me to reflect upon it. Although I needed to see her anger, I preferred her to be at peace¡ªI was desperate to know how she really felt about me. In the same breath, I knew these messages would cease sooner than later. This represented my last depression¡ªthe fire inside me will soon forever be extinguished by my own hand. Anya had no idea of my plan to exile myself from the world. I knew with certainty she would stop messaging me soon as much as I knew if I died she would never be there for me. I hated to hide the darkness from her, but there was no saving this soul anymore. The damage has been done and the time to take the trash out was near.

    ME: ¡°I love my wake-up calls. Hmmmm¡­Idk. ??¡±

    After an hour passed, she found the time to respond.

    ANYA: ¡°??¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m sure I¡¯ll snap out of this funk soon. I go to bed early and still can¡¯t get out of bed. Never thought getting out of bed would be on my daily agenda! All I want to do is fall asleep and dream. I¡¯m ok. Thank you for your thoughtful messages.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I know you¡¯ll be ok.¡±

    After our IMversation, I decided to get on my computer to read and write in my journal¡ªgiving up on my job search. As much as I wanted to turn ¡°us¡± into a positive in my life, my life was forever altered by Anya¡¯s love¡ªthere would be no recovery from this. I wasn¡¯t the same man anymore and my search for love has ended after knowing I met my soulmate. When I failed to secure a promise from her to leave her husband¡ªthere was no place for me here any longer. If the woman who hoped, wished and dreamt of being with me, who wanted to wear my ring, who would rather die than never have me in her life could easily change her mind about those things simply because as a woman she had the right to¡ªthen my life was eternally doomed. Part of the fun of living life was the hope of falling in love and sharing a life with that person. When the universe denied me that, it was time to become stardust. It broke my heart to know she would never defend me or vouch for me to her children¡ªthe man who truly honored and respected her. I always respected her wishes even when she claimed I never did¡ªif I couldn¡¯t fight for the one who called me her soulmate, then I couldn¡¯t fight for anything. As much as Anya claimed to believe in our love because it was good enough to even say in God¡¯s name ¡°I love you, Landyn¡±, the truth was she wasn¡¯t proud of me or us¡ªeven if I truly honored her like no man ever would. That she looked as being with me was the same as giving up her children. That she could tell me all about her kids, even telling me I knew them better than any other man, but never viewing me as worthy of an introduction. In the end, it felt like she viewed me as the abusive cheating monster and not her husband¡ªthe actual one who committed the most treasonous acts in a marriage. As I continued to read through my daily journal, I decided to tally up all the times we met to get my mind off my dwindling days.

    ME: ¡°I counted up all the times we¡¯ve seen each other. It¡¯s been over 90 times with 46 of those times at my place.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Wow!¡±

    ME: ¡°Then of course I can¡¯t help but think of how busy you always were and I feel bad for you. Sweet of you to see me that many times. Have a good day!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°You too! You¡¯re up, right?¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m up.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yay!!!¡±

    ME: ¡°Haha! Getting better¡ªI¡¯m up by noon now! Now you don¡¯t have to worry about me anymore. ??¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Getting better!¡±

    After Anya communicated her daily responsibilities to me before she left for Boston, for her to fit me in her schedule was no small feat. Sadly, I couldn¡¯t tell if she did it out of soulmate love or was just under way too much stress at home and desperate for relief to stay in her marriage for the sake of the kids so she wouldn¡¯t lose fifty percent of them. The longer we dated, the more I thought she would feel inclined to leave Jackson. All it did though was seem to show she viewed her marriage as the general unhappiness every marriage goes through¡ªher unhappiness not attached to anger about Jackson¡¯s infidelities. As long as he provided, she was never ambivalent to her marriage¡ªthey were unrealistic anyway.

    I couldn¡¯t have imagined she would allow me to go all in for us, then fight to stay in her marriage. If she didn¡¯t want to lose fifty percent of her kids, I would¡¯ve understood that¡ªbut not after allowing and encouraging me to fall deeply in love with her. And definitely not after asking me to fight for her. How could I not feel betrayed by that?

    The next day, she remained consistent with her concern.

    ANYA: ¡°Rise and shine!!! ??¡±

    ME: ¡°Rising ??¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Good!¡±

    ME: ¡°How r u?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m good. Taking the kids to the beach. Last free weekend before school starts. How r u feeling?¡±

    ME: ¡°I don¡¯t want to tell you babe. I¡¯m ok.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Tell me what?¡±

    ME: ¡°I just want to spare you the details. I¡¯m ok. Sorry emotions. No anger at all. Great day for the beach!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m sorry.¡±

    ME: ¡°Not your fault.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I still feel bad. Very bad.¡±

    ME: ¡°Why? I was the one who was pressuring you. Who would want that? It¡¯s just so tough.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s tough. I¡¯m so sorry. I know you¡¯re having a hard time.¡±

    I¡¯d go back and forth from getting upset with her to being compassionate to her feelings. I wouldn¡¯t have wanted my pressure either, but I also felt those presented times to show your love for someone. Anya claimed to be torn and so was I¡ªtorn being mad at her for allowing me to feel this and being compassionate for her struggles. Sadly, I trusted her to lead me in the right direction from day one; not day five hundred. After feelings of despair over Denise¡ªI vowed to never feel that way again and here I found myself in a much darker place. How much more of my pressure could Anya take? What I couldn¡¯t see was how it affected her kids when her mood changed on a dime because of me. From that standpoint, she had every right in the world to get angry at me for pressuring her. In my head, pressure to be with me, someone she claimed to love, shouldn¡¯t be pressure at all. Her view of the pressure was different¡ªit was the pressure to be who she needed to be around her kids at home and the extra stress I put her under at home. That was part of our disconnect and heightened the fragility of our hope. In the summer, the kids were out of school and she felt much more pressure having to be around them. Anya really had no choice but to pull away, and that was on me. When you¡¯re married for nearly twenty years, love just didn¡¯t mean as much to her. She believed love died naturally in a marriage and she likely believed the same would happen with us. Love meant a lot more to me than it did to her because it never left me jaded. Sure, it broke my heart, but never left me believing it was unrealistic if I ever got married. No wonder why Anya thought I was crazy.

    I thought I could control the pressure I gave her but I couldn¡¯t control how much I missed her. Although it broke my heart, I¡¯m glad she seemed to be in a good place emotionally and mentally. I¡¯m sure she missed what we shared but I could no longer trust what it meant to her. If what she felt was truly love, or at least truly believed it could last forever, she would¡¯ve been willing to lose everything, not just risk losing it¡ªlove had to be a verb before it became a noun. I would¡¯ve never pushed her to leave if I believed our love would hurt their kids and if it did hurt them, there had to be something else she wasn¡¯t telling me.

    The next morning, Anya texted me first thing once again.

    ANYA: ¡°Good morning! Happy Labor Day!¡±

    ME: ¡°Good morning! Happy Labor Day to you too!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°??¡±

    While she went to social events on this day, like the earth spinning on its axis, I stayed in the comfort of my bedroom, in and out of sleep. Unable to move and never feeling more alone.

    Over the next two weeks, Anya morning texts started to naturally cease¡ªlike I believed they would. On the afternoon of September 22<sup>nd</sup>, while continuing to struggle to get myself out of bed to face the day, she sent me a text.

    ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s hot as heck! How r u?¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m good. How hot is it? How r u?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Idk but pretty hot! It¡¯s really nice though. I¡¯m good just working at home.¡±

    ME: ¡°Doesn¡¯t feel too hot here. Oh wait. It is. Guess the trees make it seem cooler. Good day to be in a nice cool movie theater!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I wish.¡±

    ME: ¡°How¡¯s Katie liking her high school so far?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°She loves it minus the ghetto factor. She says she gets ¡°daaaaaang girl¡± sometimes. You know what that means.¡±

    ME: ¡°I guess a public high school wouldn¡¯t be a public high school without getting sexually harassed. ¡°Dang¡± is still being used? Thought that word was old school.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ha! Yea they say you get approached differently by race. ¡°Daaaaaang girl, chi chi Pssp, hey girl etc¡±! You should hear these girls talk about ¡°them¡±. DACE kids are mostly ¡°white¡± so they get their share. Luckily Katie blends in better than her friends.¡± If you come across this story on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.

    ME: ¡°I went to public schools and never heard chi chi before. These kids don¡¯t even make sense these days.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°The Hispanics say that.¡±

    ME: ¡°I thought the greeting was the same for both sexes. So, I guess they don¡¯t say ¡°Hey Holmes¡± anymore.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°No not to girls. They save ¡°chi¡± for special times like when they see girls.¡±

    ME: ¡°Haha! And here I thought chivalry was dead.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yea Rico Suave¡±

    I¡¯ve seen women fall for guys who basically sexually harassed them, then turn their noses up to men like myself. Sadly, Anya basically dated, married and had kids with a man who basically treated her like a ¡°chi chi¡±. It was natural for me to fear that Katie could fall in the same trap. When Anya told me ¡°I should hear what these girls say¡±, it made me feel special, loosening the noose of darkness around my neck. Even as the cold hard truth surrounded me, I still searched for a sliver of a silver lining. I guess what worried me about Anya¡¯s love is how come I was so broken up and she didn¡¯t appear to be. How could this be so terribly hard on me, and appear to be so easy for her? The fact she would allow me to get so close, feel so much, then tell me she had no idea what she was doing was more evidence than I ever wanted to accept. I didn¡¯t want my mind to win over my heart. I willed my heart to win, but my mind gained a lot of ground.

    When I didn¡¯t hear from her the next day, her inconsistency returning with a vengeance, I started to crack once again. Just before I broke into pieces, Anya texted me at thirty-seven minutes past eleven the following morning.

    ANYA: ¡°How r u?¡±

    When I heard from her, I felt relieved she had stopped the implosion of my soul.

    ME: ¡°Hey chi chi! I¡¯m good. How r u?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Haha! Too funny! I¡¯m good. It¡¯s my turn to host Book club so I¡¯m busy getting ready for that. What r u up to?¡±

    ME: ¡°What book did you read? I¡¯m just relaxing, waiting for my recruiter to give me a call. I might go see a movie. Idk.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°You mean what book I was supposed to read? ¡°Devil in the White City¡± Erik Larson.¡±

    ME: ¡°Haha! I was going to ask if the host read it but I got away with ¡°chi chi¡± so I didn¡¯t want to press my luck. Hmmm¡­never heard of that one and I¡¯ve been going to the bookstore often.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Old book.¡±

    ME: ¡°That explains it. ??¡±

    ANYA: ¡°?? ¡°

    ME: ¡°Just walked outside. It feels hotter than yesterday.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yea feels good.¡±

    Her response was strange¡ªshe didn¡¯t like hot weather.

    ME: ¡°Oh I know how much you love hot weather.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yea it¡¯s pretty hot.¡±

    Her responses did not follow her usual script¡ªshe seemed distracted by something, or someone. I decided to leave her alone but messaged her two hours later.

    ME: ¡°What time does your Book club meeting start?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°7 pm¡±

    She seemed to be drifting in her thoughts, possibly drinking again, or sad---likely all three. Whenever she failed to place a period at the end of her messages, it gave me the impression she was messaging me with Jackson around or she was emotional. Since she hosted book club, she was likely a bit inebriated. Those thoughts I had wondering how it could be so easy for her, was likely the same act I gave her¡ªshe had no idea about the darkness of my depression. I wanted to live a haggard life in the truth, not one clothed nicely in a lie. For a man to deeply fall in love with a woman who refused to be with him was atrial suicide. Anya was never a luxury to me, but a necessity.

    When the morning arrived for me, usually now at ten, I messaged her.

    ME: ¡°How did your Bookclub meeting go?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Good! Just cleaning up the mess! How r u?¡±

    Anya had asked me everyday this week how I was doing¡ªsomething seemed to be on her mind.

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m good. How r u?¡±

    Although I was far from ¡°good¡± without her in my life, I didn¡¯t want her to worry about me.

    ANYA: ¡°Good just tired.¡±

    ME: ¡°Was it a late night?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Kinda¡±

    Again, she failed to add a period at the end of ¡°kinda¡± and this time she didn¡¯t seem to be around anyone or in any kind of rush. This period neglect felt intentional¡ªwanting me to pay attention to it. Maybe she felt like crying again, wanted to share, but she didn¡¯t want me to worry about her¡ªthe last thing she needed. With her son and daughter now at two different schools, she had to shuttle them back and forth¡ªat least for the next two years before Katie could drive. One of my reasons for pressuring her was so I could help take things off her plate. I could easily have taken Andrew or Katie to school before heading to work. It amazed me that since he ran his own business, Jackson¡¯s hours were flexible enough to at least take the kids to school in the morning. Maybe I was old-fashioned, but if it made Anya happy, I¡¯d be happy to do it. Anya could¡¯ve feared I¡¯d fall out of love with her, doing those kinds of things, but my love for her was why I would be more than happy to do it. Each time I pressured Anya, as much as she thought it was about me, it was thinking of her, of us. It was impossible to be happy every day, we were remarkably unhappy most days of our lives, but at least she¡¯d be happier. Living a life full of stress and pressure was the last thing I wanted for her. She had to believe in our love though for me to show her how much better life could be with me instead of their father¡ªa man who didn¡¯t put any real work into raising them. The inequity in their marriage was evident¡ªit¡¯s why she pursued me.

    Continuing to sleep my days away, life seemed to slip through my grasp¡ªuninspired to put myself out into the world. In the past, depressions were eventually shaken off, but this was not the same Landyn before meeting Anya¡ªlike a soldier who returned home from war a shell of his former self. Although I promised myself to never initiate another message between us, I broke my vow.

    ME: ¡°R u sleeping ok?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Huh?¡±

    ME: ¡°Have you been sleeping ok?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yes why?¡±

    ME: ¡°Because you said you were tired and you said it was a ¡°kinda¡± late night. Thought maybe you weren¡¯t sleeping well.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Oh just last night cuz I stayed up cleaning plus think I drank too much. I¡¯m ok. What¡¯s up with you?¡±

    Anya¡¯s defensiveness regarding a simple inquiry sparked negative emotions. Her ¡°what¡¯s up with you¡± seemed more like ¡°what¡¯s your problem?¡±. I didn¡¯t know what to make of it.

    ME: ¡°Just got done having lunch. I went to the gym earlier for the first time in 2 weeks. Easy workout though. Are you still drinking more than you usually do or are you feeling better now?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Oh good for you!!! No, I¡¯m better. Haven¡¯t run since SF.¡±

    ME: ¡°Good! Why haven¡¯t you run since SF?¡±

    Anya told me she ran for the first time since SF a couple of weeks back, but she must have forgotten.

    ANYA: ¡°Um haven¡¯t felt like running. Maybe burnt out. I¡¯m still working out just not running. Will pick it back up soon. So I won¡¯t be running another half this year.¡±

    ME: ¡°Is it because we don¡¯t see each other anymore? Just kidding.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Idk¡±

    Her ¡°I don¡¯t know¡± response seemed to contain hidden emotions¡ªa mix bag of anger and sadness.

    ME: ¡°I have to admit I feel less of an incentive to look good. That¡¯s how I feel anyway. You inspired me to care about myself. I¡¯m just that way.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Sorry. I still workout everyday not to look good but to feel good. Think that¡¯s just me though. I don¡¯t feel good when I don¡¯t work out. You always look good.¡±

    ME: ¡°I know what you mean. That¡¯s because you love me. I don¡¯t look so good these days. I¡¯ll get back in shape though. How¡¯s the new hairstyle holding up?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Hair is fine. Grown out a bit. Have to get it cut soon. I don¡¯t believe that.¡±

    We exchanged a total of 12 texts on this day, far fewer than we have recently. It seemed she was trying to send me a message of some kind. Or maybe she was coming to the reality of a life without me in it¡ªone without stress relief. If I was asking Anya to run away with me and leave the kids behind, I would let her go¡ªbut this wasn¡¯t the case. At this point in time, I felt as insecure as a house five yards away from a tornado. All I needed was a promise from her to choose me, so I could wake up each morning not worrying if her love has changed. Didn¡¯t we both deserve that? I trusted everything she told me that led me to feel this strongly about us. I feared nothing and no one, not even death. If I couldn¡¯t fight for Anya, I couldn¡¯t fight for anything in this life. I¡¯m not saying her financial security isn¡¯t important. I¡¯m not saying her image and what people might say about her wasn¡¯t important too and I¡¯m definitely not saying the fear she had for her kids wasn¡¯t real. All I¡¯m saying is that it should¡¯ve been just as hard for her to make the decision to love me in the manner that she did. If she couldn¡¯t help it, then there was no argument she could make to me that could support staying in her marriage for anyone¡¯s sake. To stay in her marriage after all we shared just felt insulting to me. The decision to stay for the sake of the kids now had to consider my feelings too, and that doesn¡¯t mean it¡¯s about me, but it¡¯s not just about her either.

    Then there¡¯s also the part of me that can understand how Anya could be afraid that Katie may fail to get into a good college, affecting her future. Anya would then place the blame on herself, and us. My problem with her thinking here was that it neglects the shitty marriage, and punished us instead. Anya likely also felt why should the kids pay the price of having a great life for a bad decision she made? She likely thought the only way she could be with me is if she left Jackson and the kids behind completely¡ªwhy she felt she would have to give them up. I know she was angry with me because of where we stood. I know it hurt her that she couldn¡¯t feel my love because I will think we were getting back together¡ªbut how could she allow me to feel so much and be fine with her staying with another man? Without uncertainty, I was not built for this kind of situation--imagining someone I loved with another man alone drove me insane, but knowing she was with another man? It was atrial suicide¡ªI had no clue she would ever consider staying at this point. Anya was everything to me and she knew me better than I knew myself. People announcing their love from the rooftop wouldn¡¯t notify enough people about my love for Anya. I was beyond proud of her and wanted the whole world to know how special she was to me. For twenty-two months I¡¯ve fought off the urge that should be denied to no one who felt as much love as she allowed and encouraged me to feel. Drinking herself into oblivion was a better solution than a promise? Didn¡¯t she want me to meet her kids one day? Why couldn¡¯t this work out if she truly loved me? Why did my heartache seem so much greater than hers? As I sulked the entire day, distraught from not hearing from her, I took a late afternoon nap hoping to sleep away the nightmare what was now my life. When I woke up, she had messaged me twice.

    ANYA: ¡°Did you have a nice day?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°R u ok? Haven¡¯t heard from you.¡±

    ME: ¡°Hey! I¡¯m sorry for the late response, I fell asleep¡ªI¡¯m ok. I had a nice day. Did you have a nice day?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yes nice day now house full of kids.¡±

    ME: ¡°So your day is just starting? I¡¯m kidding. Pretty busy day for you I bet.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Haha! Yea going to be a long night.¡±

    On a Friday evening, surrounded by people that kept her mind off of me, I had never felt more disconnected from the human race. Fridays used to be the happiest of days for me¡ªthe beginning of the weekend, but compared to Anya¡¯s life, it became the bleakest day of the week. At five minutes to midnight, while sitting in front of a computer screen, fully separated from the world, Anya sent me the most unexpected message of our relationship.

    ANYA: ¡°How r u these days?¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m ok. How r u these days? Still worried about me? ?? ¡±

    When I glanced at my IM screen, it indicated that she had logged off.

    ME: ¡°Where¡¯d ya go? ??¡±

    ME: ¡°Hope the kids are treating you well.¡±

    Putting my phone down, I went back to typing in my journal¡ªJackson was probably around and she had to turn off her phone. Ten minutes later though, she logged back in.

    ANYA: ¡°Just got your messages. Yes I am.¡±

    ME: ¡°I guess my reassurances aren¡¯t working, are they? You must think I¡¯m really crazy.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°No¡±

    ME: ¡°Haha! Ok good! It¡¯s really tough. I wouldn¡¯t kill myself though. I don¡¯t know if that¡¯s what worries you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°No I don¡¯t worry about that. I worry about your depression and you not working and if that might add to your depression. I know you¡¯re going to come out of it and I know you know it too, just concerned that¡¯s all. You know there are 5 steps to grieving right.¡±

    ME: ¡°I do¡­what are they again?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.¡±

    When she texted this to me it broke me into pieces¡ªlike what she told me at dinner during San Francisco. If she thought I could go through the five stages of grief in a couple of weeks, she clearly didn¡¯t know how much I loved her. Worst yet¡ªshe seemed to be in the acceptance stage and way ahead of schedule. While I was too depressed to find the strength to look for work¡ªwanting to do nothing but sleep all day, unable to move¡ªtaking an opiate to cope. I didn¡¯t want Anya to know about any of this, her sweet texts gave me hope and were the only thing getting me out of bed at all. Then, out of nowhere she reminded me why I needed a promise from her, hitting me with the five stages of grief. Fighting back negative emotions, I refused to allow her to make me feel obligated to reach the acceptance stage anytime soon.

    ANYA: ¡°U there?¡±

    ME: ¡°Yes. I know I¡¯m depressed¡­that¡¯s for sure. I know it¡¯s hard for you to understand.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°It¡¯s temporary. Yes it is. I¡¯m depressed too but I don¡¯t understand what you¡¯re going through. Maybe because I have kids and I have to get myself up every day?¡±

    When I read her words, there was no way she could¡¯ve felt all the love for me that I did for her. For her to consider this as ¡°temporary¡±, she never would be able to understand all I put into our relationship. I know she feels she put herself into our relationship too, but not nearly as much as I did¡ª It wasn¡¯t tit for tat, but a fact. She lost really nothing she didn¡¯t have before we met, I lost all I ever built, even losing my belief in love forever. To Anya, love was a fairy tale¡ªjust like it was for Summer in ¡°500 Days of Summer¡±. Money was real to Anya¡ªlove was an unrealistic belief that was more for fun than ever meant to be a reality. Her reputation what people thought of her was all too real to ever believe in love. Financial security was all she truly needed in life and the only reason she told me money and things didn¡¯t lead to happiness was because she was never in danger of losing them. She was only willing to risk them, and never willing to lose. The only loser here was me--I lost my career job and much worse, my belief in love. I even lost my sense of self¡ªno longer the Landyn Lastman I knew before I met her. All I had left was a damaged soul¡ªthe last thing I had to lose.

    ME: ¡°I think what¡¯s hard is you have your everything and I don¡¯t anymore.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I don¡¯t have my everything. Guess you¡¯ll never understand.¡±

    ME: ¡°Your kids are your everything. You have them. They bring you happiness.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ok I guess¡±

    Anya must have been drunk to message me such a thing. If I truly was her ¡°everything¡±, she would¡¯ve at least been willing to make a promise. She had her everything, and it wasn¡¯t me.

    ME: ¡°Really? I didn¡¯t know you felt that way. I¡¯m dying to ask you this. Please don¡¯t get mad at me but when you don¡¯t use a period are you frustrated with me?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°No I¡¯m just tired and fading ??¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m better off being a priest. Not catholic though.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ha! Why do you say that?¡±

    ME: ¡°I don¡¯t know if I¡¯ll ever be able to look at someone else and tell them I love them and I miss them. I can¡¯t even imagine kissing another girl. It would always make me miss and think about you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°You will. I hear the only way to truly forget your past love is by caring for someone new. At least you have a chance at love again. Maybe not forget but ¡°get over¡±.

    ME: ¡°Ok I guess¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Hey you can¡¯t use that!¡±

    ME: ¡°Sorry I was tired and fading! ??¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ha!¡±

    ME: ¡°If my past love wasn¡¯t my true love or my soulmate it would be easier for me to look at things that way. That¡¯s for sure.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ok you¡¯ve got a point but it¡¯s possible to care again.¡±

    ME: ¡°Haha! Sure.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ok fading now. Bye byeeee¡±

    ME: ¡°Nite nite.¡±

    Little did I know that she had morphed into Summer before my very eyes. There was no question she really liked me, but just like Summer, my heart was fun to her¡ªthat¡¯s why the movie had ¡°hit home¡± for her. She probably thought I was like all the rest, just like Jackson, only out to get laid¡ªnow I had to deal with that monster until the day I ended my life. I¡¯ve felt too much for Anya to feel anything else for someone else. Nothing would top what I feel for her and I knew this was too rare to ever feel again. After thirty-eight years of letdowns, I knew this would be my last one. Sensing she had already moved on after nearly two years together, she gave up on us, while I resided in the denial stage¡ªlight years away from where she resided.

    If I truly was Anya¡¯s ¡°everything¡± and she didn¡¯t have that anymore too, then how come she didn¡¯t make me a promise? A simple promise to leave one day soon so I could feel secure her feelings for me wouldn¡¯t change the next morning¡ªthat her love existed beyond being a secret. I wanted her to have her everything because she was my everything too. She felt responsible for taking two years of my life, but I didn¡¯t have the heart to tell her she took a lot more than that¡ªI didn¡¯t want anyone else and I could never be with anyone else. Never the divorcee, always the widower. I got upset and pressured her because I knew she was the only one I saw a future with. I needed her and it was that simple¡ªthe problem was she didn¡¯t need me.

    The next day, a Saturday, she messaged me in the middle of the afternoon.

    ANYA: ¡°Hi!¡±

    ME: ¡°Well good afternoon!¡±

    When she texted me so late, it seemed she messaged me in a drunken stupor the night before, rendering her ¡°I don¡¯t have my everything¡± statement pretty much meaningless. Just like the time she asked me to fight for her, and not knowing she was drunk, rendering her words inconsequential.

    ANYA: ¡°Katie volunteered to work at the water station for the breast cancer walk this morning and I thought of your mom. How is she? One of my friends just got diagnosed with breast cancer so a group of us got together to make a thousand cranes. I guess in the Japanese culture if you gift a thousand cranes it represents good health.¡±

    ME: ¡°She¡¯s doing pretty good, but of course we can¡¯t get too excited because of where her cancer is. You¡¯re so sweet. What¡¯s a crane? I¡¯m assuming it¡¯s not heavy machinery you¡¯re gifting over there but the only other crane I know is a bird.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yes a bird! Origami birds! Takes forever to make! So many steps! My cranes don¡¯t look so healthy!¡±

    ME: ¡°Haha! Well, I¡¯m sure if I was to make a crane it would look like a sidewalk. A thousand cranes? That¡¯s a lot!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°A sidewalk? As in a flat sheet of paper w/no attempt? I¡¯m not making a thousand. We are all putting ours together to make a thousand.¡±

    ME: ¡°Even for like ten people that¡¯s still a hundred each! I¡¯d struggle with crane number one! There would be an attempt but it would turn out looking like no attempt was made.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yea my first one looked like it was shot.¡±

    ME: ¡°Hahahahaha! You¡¯re killing me over here!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Like a sidewalk ??¡±

    ME: ¡°Somehow I doubt that.¡±

    I hadn¡¯t truly laughed or smiled since she decided to break up with me to work on herself¡ªgiving me another a reminder why I loved her so much. During this very difficult time, I wanted to trust and believe in her love for me¡ªthat she always had true intentions to be with me one day. She then sent me a picture of one of her attempts at a crane.

    ANYA: ¡°The one that was shot!¡±

    ME: ¡°There should be a John Doe tag put on that one! JK! Well, I¡¯m sure the other ones you made are all alive and well. ??¡±

    My phone then notified me of another pic she just sent over to me.

    ANYA: ¡°The one that made it alive!¡±

    ME: ¡°That one looks perfect!¡±

    My phone notified me once more of a pic she sent.

    ANYA: ¡°Thanks. Get the picture? ??¡±

    ME: ¡°Haha! The third one looks like a pterodactyl that survived extinction! Very cool!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°How do you even know how to spell that?¡±

    ME: ¡°I loved dinosaurs when I was a kid. I wanted to be a person who studied them and even knew how to spell paleontologist when I was 5 years old. I know crazy.¡±

    I expected Anya to judge me for this, especially when she believed I was crazy for believing so strongly in love.

    ANYA: ¡°No not at all! Andrew was crazy about them too! He actually came up with a business idea when he was 7 which was very cute. Never told anyone about this. He wanted a store called ¡°Dino-World¡±. It would be a toy store ¨C everything about dinosaurs and its habitat. A toy store of course. He wanted a big huge T-Rex you could climb and slide down the tail. A hands on dino-world. A caf¨¦ w/dino shaped everything. That¡¯s how crazy he was about dinosaurs. This came from a 7 year old so you would have to trust what kids that age would like. I thought it was a cute idea. He eventually grew out of dinosaurs thank god!¡±

    ME: ¡°I was going to say what a great idea. I would have definitely been there if I was that age. The T-Rex idea is awesome! Like a Rain Forest caf¨¦ but with dinosaurs.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yup!¡±

    How come she never shared his idea with Jackson? Did she see the significance in what she texted to me? She let me inside a world not even Jackson was allowed to be in. This seemed to confirm more how her own husband left her to raise his son. To hold that back from her husband seemed like something she believed he hadn¡¯t earned. Andrew¡¯s love for dinosaurs had to be much greater than mine to come up with that idea. The more things she told me about her son, the more I saw pieces of myself in him. Why wouldn¡¯t we have a strong father/step son relationship? For Anya to share this story with me, essentially telling me the night before our love was her ¡°everything¡±, and the cranes she ¡°shot¡± or made, she had to be in the denial stage with me too. Our exchange lit a fire under me enough to get out of bed to try and resume my job search. For the first time in a month, I even didn¡¯t feel the need to reach for a Vicodin to help me cope. Powering through brain shivers, I got showered and dressed, then headed to a nearby caf¨¦ to fire off some resumes. A couple of hours passed before I decided to check in with her.

    ME: ¡°Did u finish all your cranes?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°No way! Not even close! I have to make 200 and I have maybe 50?¡±

    ME: ¡°Oh wow!!!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yes, I need to get busy!¡±

    ME: ¡°By the time you get to number 200, it will be considered a masterpiece. I¡¯m contacting the Smithsonian! ?? ¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yeah rt. ??¡±

    ME: ¡°??¡±

    Her messages filled me with hope¡ªa possible turning point in our relationship. The chance to see if we could find a way to see each other again¡ªmaybe even getting the promise I desperately needed from her. If she still loved me enough to hope¡ªI¡¯d catch her.

    That same night, I got a phone call from an old friend who I¡¯ve known for thirty years who wanted to visit with me. He ended up bringing a friend along and we all went out to dinner at a restaurant night club called Quantum in Newport Beach. By the time the night ended, they were both pretty drunk when we got back to my apartment at about midnight. Since they had a long drive home, I made them crash at my place. When they finally woke up the following afternoon, they hung out for a couple of hours before leaving. It was really nice catching up with them, but they got so wasted I had to stay sober so they wouldn¡¯t do anything to get themselves in trouble. I hadn¡¯t heard from Anya since we last spoke about her origami crane dilemma, so I sent her a message to see how she was doing.

    ME: ¡°How r u? Did you finish all those cranes?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Hi! I¡¯m good! Been running around with the kids and no not finished! Will work on them tonight! How r u?¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m good. I had two friends visit me last night. They stole my bed, and I had to sleep out in the living room. Didn¡¯t sleep well. I should¡¯ve known better.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°What??? Stole your bed???¡±

    ME: ¡°I had them all set up in the living room but after I got back from the bathroom to brush my teeth, they were in my bed! I finally fell asleep on my couch bed at 5:30 this morning. Then they woke me up at 9. Last time I invite them!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Oh I see! Funny!¡±

    ME: ¡°Yea big longshoremen. They don¡¯t move much!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°So what did you guys do? School friends?¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯ve known one of the guys for over 30 years. He lived on the same block as me and we became good friends. He used to be my roommate years ago. He¡¯s a really good guy. They came over my place at 4:30 and they started drinking. We went to a lounge/bar/restaurant called Quantum in Newport Beach. We had dinner and played pool and by midnight they were too drunk to drive home. They could barely walk straight. They drank all night.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Did you have fun?¡±

    ME: ¡°It was really nice hanging out with them because it¡¯s been a long time, but can¡¯t say I had fun because when they got drunk, I had to play babysitter. They had fun.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I bet!¡±

    I loved the messages she sent me the previous day, but when she never reached out to me and I had to message her, I felt depressed once again. I then remembered that Yom Kippur, the ¡°day of atonement¡± was the following day¡ªmore than likely the reason I didn¡¯t hear from her. I then recalled her condescending tone from last year when I asked about it.

    ANYA: ¡°Uh day of atonement? Time to reflect and consider? It¡¯s just a serious holy day that¡¯s all.¡±

    She wasn¡¯t Jewish; Jackson was¡ªshe converted for him. For a woman who claimed she no longer loved him, that was a significant conversion to make. She had to understand when she defended his religion, no offense against Jewish people, that she defended the man who stalked me and went out of his way to destroy me as if I broke wedding vows to God and family. The fact she still slept next to him was ultra-tough on the heart and mind. Anyone in my position, knowing that would¡¯ve questioned her love for me too¡ªeven her authenticity yet I fought for her love as if those things were hardly obstacles. Now, with her not being with me, I imagined on this particular Yom Kippur, Anya asking forgiveness from God for falling in love with me¡ªnothing could¡¯ve disturbed me more after all I lost for the chance at happiness. By her asking for forgiveness, it was a huge slap in my face¡ªI would¡¯ve never pushed her towards a quest to sin. If Anya viewed our love as something she should be repentant for, then it could never have been love, but rather lust. For her to reflect and consider, then ask for forgiveness, recognizing our love as a sin after I worked so hard holding back my sexual desires so our love was one of goodness and purity, would be the ultimate insult to me. If she were to feel that way and pay homage to Yom Kippur, she essentially agreed with Jackson and likely even conspired with him against me¡ªthe reason she decided not to contact me until I reached out to her. The man she claimed to be her everything and extremely worried about didn¡¯t represent love, but the worst of all possible things. As crazy as it sounded, this Yom Kippur represented to me, not only where she stood on us, but where she always stood on us. Her silence on this Sunday left me unsettled after I learned the following day was Yom Kippur. After all we¡¯ve shared, this day should have zero meaning to her¡ªif our love meant anything to her¡ªif she truly didn¡¯t love Jackson. If she bought into a day of atonement instead of living every day in such a way, she also bought into Jackson and the sanctity of their marriage. After all I¡¯ve lost, and all the sadness I felt. After the loss of self, I knew I¡¯d never recover if she recognized this day for any reason, it would only confirm my life was truly over. If Anya bought into Yom Kippur, her love for me she would try to kill and she had no plans, if she ever did, to be with me.

    All those instant messages Anya sent me each morning, worried about my grief, now faded away into non-existence¡ªlike I knew they eventually would. Surprisingly, on Yom Kippur, she tested me at a half hour past noon.

    ANYA: ¡°Have you recovered?¡±

    ME: ¡°Oh I didn¡¯t get drunk at all on Saturday night. I was just tired. Went to the gym this morning and rested up. How are you? How are the cranes?

    ANYA: ¡°Oh that¡¯s good. I¡¯m good but the cranes are not doing so well! I just texted my friend to get the deadline.¡±

    ME: ¡°How many do you have left to go?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°About 50 but she said I have till the 10<sup>th</sup>! Yay!¡±

    ME: ¡°Plenty of time! ??¡±

    ANYA: ¡°That¡¯s what I say!!! How¡¯s the job hunting?¡±

    ME: ¡°You mean how¡¯s the movie watching? Just kidding! It¡¯s a little slow right now. I really need to motivate myself to step it up a bit. I sent out a couple of resumes this weekend.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°That¡¯s good.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m disheartened about it.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Disheartened?¡±

    ME: ¡°With how my job search is going.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Well how can you change it? Is it a combo or your depression and not much out there b/c of the economy?¡±

    ME: ¡°I think so.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Well don¡¯t let the economy get you down. Things are starting to pick up and you will find something out there. Have you considered public accounting until you find something else? How about your friend¡¯s dad? Any word? You will find something; you just have to keep working it. It¡¯s not going to happen on its own. People are working twice as long and hard to make the same money they once did so know that it¡¯s tough out there. You will land something. Just don¡¯t stop. Make it your main focus and goal.¡±

    Anya could not begin to realize how dark my thoughts had become. I put on a happy face so I wouldn¡¯t lose her, but I was falling apart at the seams. The recession compounded things for me, making me feel even more worthless and unwanted. I knew she only tried to make me feel better, but any gains I made were eventually lost because my heart was in shambles over us. After becoming aware of Yom Kippur, it only nourished my disillusionment with the world. Even if I were to find another job, my relationship status with Anya would affect me from being successful.

    ME: ¡°I¡¯ve considered a return to public accounting but I know I¡¯ll get trapped. My friend admitted his dad¡¯s business is slow right now. I¡¯d be in the same boat there as well. I¡¯d rather start my own practice which I¡¯ve been writing a business plan for. Sometimes I feel I¡¯m selling myself short by not starting up a CPA firm b/c my strengths aren¡¯t really on full display in a typical job setting. I guess I¡¯m weighing options still. This is a pivotal time in my career and have to make the best choice. I have options but I need to rediscover the drive I once had¡ªI¡¯m trying to get that back but I¡¯m struggling.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I see. I know you will. Do you feel better with each day?¡±

    ME: ¡°I feel a little better each day but then I have set backs.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°What brings on the setbacks?¡±

    ME: ¡°Just thoughts. I live alone. I spend a lot of time alone. Partly b/c of me whenever I¡¯m down, I just want to be away from people.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°How about getting a roommate?¡±

    ME: ¡°Haha! Nooo way!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°You sure? Could be fun! What have you got to lose?¡±

    ME: ¡°Been there done that¡ªI get screwed every time.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Don¡¯t you miss having people around though? I understand about not wanting a roommate.¡±

    ME: ¡°There¡¯s this one person I miss having around. I¡¯m pretty good on my own. I try to get out and do things.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°We had some good times. ??¡±

    ME: ¡°Yes we did.¡±

    The moments I shared with Anya were only the best moments of my life, by far. When she mentioned ¡°what have you got to lose?¡±, it stung¡ªshe was definitely in the acceptance stage of the grief cycle. When it hit me that she could care less if we were alone together at my apartment ever again, it left me unsettled. If she believed our love represented a sin, after she had been cheated on several times by her husband. After having another relationship with another man that then led her to me, all was lost on the first day we met. Her ¡°what have you got to lose¡± text nestled in uncomfortably in my head. What did I have to lose? Anya went from believing in our love to becoming Summer in ¡°500 Days of Summer¡±. After getting on Facebook to clear my head, posting a message with the hope Jackson would read it, I sent Anya a message putting my worst fears on the line¡ªwhat did I have to lose?

    ME: ¡°I have to admit I didn¡¯t think I¡¯d hear from you today because it¡¯s Yom Kippur, the ¡°Day of atonement¡±. I just wanted to be honest and tell you I posted a FB status that read ¡°I¡¯m not an anti-Semite but I¡¯m not a fan of a religious holiday that enables people to sin again. Everyday should be Yom Kippur¡±. Obviously, I have strong feelings about this.

    ME: I don¡¯t know if you think you¡¯ve sinned at all by being with me but just in case you do, I just want you to know this. I feel there are two kinds of sin in this world. Moral sin and social sin. I believe the only sin that matters in the end, is moral sin because those are the sins we are judged for by the Almighty. A social sin is something others, or this world, our society, may judge you for but it¡¯s subjective, and mostly formed without complete knowledge of the facts. Moral sin is objective as stated in the Bible, determined by the just. I have to let this be known simply because if you believe you¡¯ve committed a sin then you also believe I have as well. This is what I believe¡ªmarriage is a man made ¡°legal¡± institution evidence by a contract. When God visualized marriage in the Bible, its beginning and its end was determined by the heart. There was no court process needed to end the marriage. Contracts are entered into and broken every day and no one is going to hell for what man created in the first place. Even the Bible, Matthew 32, Verse 5, allows for divorce in the case of ¡°unchastity¡± or infidelity. Anyway, I¡¯m only trying to tell you that you¡¯re not a sinner and I don¡¯t think you need to ask for forgiveness for anything.¡±

    Jackson promised to honor and cherish her until death parted them and he didn¡¯t come close to fulfilling that promise. I believed in the eyes of God, that the day she fell in love with me, was the day He chose to no longer recognize her union with Jackson after his deliberate breaking of his vows to her and to God. Without complete knowledge of the facts, society recognized it differently from God who saw and knew all. Why should Anya feel an ounce of guilt for being in love with someone who honored, truly loved and respected her? If Jackson had been faithful, then undoubtedly Anya committed a sin, but what I gave Anya was love. Wouldn¡¯t God have wanted that for her after the great pain Jackson had caused her? The only way she could have sinned was if she lied to me about everything just so she could feel alive again. If she believed falling in love with me was a sin, I could only trust in her loyalty to Jackson after all I¡¯ve done for her and all I¡¯ve lost.

    ANYA: ¡°Thank you for that. Honestly. I¡¯m not sure what to think. Yes, I feel as if I sinned. I feel I have betrayed my kids. I think that bothers me more than anything. Have you been reading the bible?¡±

    Anya was a great mother and always put her kids first from day one. I suffered from it on a daily basis, so I know that much was true and I accepted my position as second to them as I should have. But after all the infidelities, after she shared so much of her kids¡¯ lives with me, how could she tell me our love, and its goodness, all it ever stood for, was a betrayal of her kids? Only lust or a hidden agenda should¡¯ve been viewed as a betrayal of her kids. As much as I tried to fight back how much this stung me, I realized at this point not only did I lose her, but she misled me to believe our love was special.

    ME: ¡°How do you feel you betrayed your kids? By choosing to be honest with them by falling in love with me?¡±

    When I didn¡¯t hear back from her for twenty minutes after I knew she read my message, I sent her three more responses.

    ME: ¡°I don¡¯t get that because I¡¯ve never heard of a husband who knew, let alone wanted to see, his wife be unhappy. I don¡¯t think you should feel that way at all.¡±

    ME: ¡°That¡¯s a shame.¡±

    ME: ¡°Last time I checked, 60 percent of all marriages end in divorce. If that¡¯s the case, a lot of mothers are betraying and hurting their kids for only wanting to be happy and to feel loved, honored and respected.¡±

    When I sent this text, the last thing I expected to see from her was all I ever feared.

    ANYA: ¡°Don¡¯t classify me with the general public.¡±

 CHAPTER 19 ~ HOW EVERYTHING DIES

    ¡°If you believe in the power of magic

    It¡¯s all a fantasy.

    So if you need to believe in someone.

    Just pretend it¡¯s me.

    It ain¡¯t enough that we meet as strangers

    I can¡¯t set you free.

    So will you turn your back forever

    On what you mean to me?¡±

    ~ ¡°Don¡¯t Answer Me¡± The Alan Parsons Project

    I froze while my hand trembled and brain shivers hit me from out of nowhere. Upon reading her words, ¡°don¡¯t classify me with the general public¡±, it confirmed my greatest fear. She had no intentions to leave Jackson¡ªit would put her in the same group that she wanted no part of¡ªthe general public. Apparently, Anya seemed to have always believed those who divorced their spouses were less than those who did. I would even go as far to believe she believed they didn¡¯t have a right to leave under any and all circumstances, especially with kids involved. Anya was really Summer from ¡°500 Days of Summer¡±¡ªthe true reason why it hit home with her. I then couldn¡¯t help but recall certain scenes in the movie. When Summer told things to the guy that reminded Anya of me, Tom, that she never told anyone else before. Although I believed I wasn¡¯t just anybody too, like Summer, Anya failed to see it. The way Summer wanted only the fun without any of the pressure, while I needed the consistency, like Tom¡ªneeding his paramour to tell him she is his girlfriend, just like I needed a promise. Anya wanted to remain friends¡ªSummer wanted the same and couldn¡¯t understand why it was so hard for Tom to be what she wanted him to be. After they found themselves on the same train bound for a wedding then unexpectedly reconnecting with Summer romantically¡ªlike Anya and I did in San Francisco, she invites Tom to a party at her house, without telling him it¡¯s her engagement party. After their time together at the wedding, he believes she invited him for romantic reasons, instead, the same as our dinner in San Francisco, she shatters Tom¡¯s heart instead. Even when he asks Summer why her past relationships failed to work out, she tells him ¡°What always happens? Life.¡±. Summer believed love was as unrealistic as Anya believed it was. Even in the opening credits of the movie, Summer showed off an origami bird she made, while Anya became an origami bird artist over the last week. Sure, our story wasn¡¯t the same, at least Tom knew what he was getting into from the beginning¡ªSummer told him she didn¡¯t want a boyfriend, but I never got to hear ¡°Don¡¯t classify me with the general public¡± until nearly two years after we met.

    This was my confirmation, that just like Summer, this entire relationship was just fun and games to Anya¡ªshe never had intentions to ever become a part of the general public. Even if the reasons for getting a divorce were valid. I learned at this moment, in Anya¡¯s eyes, even unfaithfulness and falling in love with another man, was not a good enough reason to divorce Jackson¡ªbeing considered part of the general public was worse than divorce and she was special. There was no question, she used me to keep her marriage intact and to keep the fa?ade in perfect order. She bought into Jackson¡¯s lust for money, things and power, and Lance knew himself there was no changing her and that¡¯s why he left¡ªeven being privy to all the information she kept me in the dark about. If Anya felt she sinned, she also just admitted she used me to fill a void in her marriage¡ªfor stress relief. As long as ¡°love¡± remained on her terms and in her control to continue on as only a secret, it was love she believed she felt. Even when she told me things like no matter what she had no regrets, and she needed me like she needed air, it was all to give oxygen to the fa?ade of her marriage, and Jackson¡¯s political interests¡ªbuilding on their vital network they amassed during the course of their marriage. Like Katie had written in her essay that Anya found on her computer, her mother worked hard to protect the family name¡ªsomething she worked hard at even when she allowed and encouraged me to fall deeply in love with her. The only way Anya could feel she betrayed her kids was if she considered our relationship one of lust, not of love. Or, she judged me for losing my job during the greatest recession in the history of the United States, in an effort to save our relationship. Now that she confirmed her true intentions, and what she always believed, I could feel no less than betrayed. My mind knew long ago what my heart never wanted to accept until now.

    ME: ¡°Money distorts everything.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry I took a shot at your wonderful husband. I know that upsets you. He¡¯s such a good provider.¡±

    ME: ¡°Our love for each other makes you feel like you betrayed your kids? A love you told me no matter what happens you¡¯d have no regrets? A love that you told me you needed like you needed air? A love you told me you¡¯d rather die than never have me in your life? A love you asked me to fight for? Unbelievable. In a million years I will never understand that. That really hurt me. I¡¯m sorry you feel that way. Tough to be a mom, I know. I understand that part.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯ll shut up. Sorry.¡±

    As my mind absorbed my new reality, one that always existed, my heart tried to fight what little fight it had left inside. But I knew the truth now on Yom Kippur. If Anya was worried how I would react if she told me she still loved her husband, there is no way she would ever tell me that. She would always try to deceive me into believing she loved me and that I was her everything when I knew I wasn¡¯t even in the same class. After reading her texts, confirming she believed she sinned, believing she betrayed her kids, and she despised being classified with the general public, I now had nothing to lose.

    ME: ¡°Yes, it¡¯s possible to care for someone else again but every time I do, I end up getting my heart broken. It¡¯s just not worth it.¡±

    ME: ¡°Coming to that realization is why I¡¯m depressed, among other reasons. I¡¯m in the same boat as you about having a chance at love again. Hope you can understand why.¡±

    Twenty minutes later, Anya responded.

    ANYA: ¡°Unbelievable is right!!!¡±

    ME: ¡°Just stop.¡±

    Unbelievable she would¡¯ve ever allowed or encouraged me to fall so deeply in love with her for nothing, but for the sake of falling in love. Maybe it was fun for married couples who never got to feel love again like that after it faded, but not for single people like myself who believed they had a chance at something special¡ªshe stole my life from me and unbelievably, couldn¡¯t have cared less. She didn¡¯t drink because she missed us, she drank because she believed she betrayed her kids. She drank because she believed she sinned. She drank because she knew she betrayed me. All of her morning texts weren¡¯t done out of love for me, but out of love for herself¡ªso she could live with less guilt. Her words made me feel inferior, as if all the emotions and feelings I put into her were something to be mocked and laughed at. I should¡¯ve known better to trust a marriage founded on capitalism would destroy me. Anya morphed into a living example of why I became so disgusted with society. She used political tactics to get what she needed from me and then tried to use them against me. The problem was, I hated politicians.

    I didn¡¯t know how to handle the situation from here¡ªshe paralyzed me. When I didn¡¯t hear from her the following day, I knew it was time to make her aware of all she ever put me through. Each time we argued, I felt awful and always tried to see things from her angle, eventually siding with her in the end to give her the love I believed she deserved. While her politics led me to believe I made up my own stories and conclusions about her, the ¡°Don¡¯t classify me with the general public¡± rebuke told me all I needed to know about her true intentions¡ªshe fought every day to not be a part of the general public by staying put in her marriage. The only time she ever betrayed her kids was when she allowed them to go to bed at night blaming themselves for a bad marriage rather than freeing their minds from their burden of it. The worst part of all of what she told me was learning Anya never respected my heart, my feelings or emotions¡ªmen weren¡¯t allowed to have them. I could¡¯ve never believed she would ask me to fight for her and then pit me up against her children¡ªa man she shared the details of their daily lives with. If she felt she betrayed her kids, in any way, she never defended me to Jackson. In fact, she conspired with him against me. If she felt she betrayed her kids, she would never vouch for me no matter what I did.

    She allowed me to fall in love with her, shared the lives of her children with me, their successes, their failures, and then pit them against me¡ªproof she never loved me and only told me she did so I wouldn¡¯t become angry enough with her to reach out to them. As much as I would love Katie and Andrew to know me, even if Anya tried to murder me, that would never be an option¡ªthey were innocent parties in this. This was between Anya, me, and Jackson¡ªand no one else.

    When I woke up the next morning, marking the twenty-two-month mark of our relationship, I knew I couldn¡¯t hold this inside anymore. I worked so hard to try to fight my emotions, but her devastating messages were too much to bear. When she decided to go incognito on me, as if I cheated on her four times, her reckless carelessness drove me to the point of no turning back. When it hit me, that after all I endured for her, that she thought I was more a disease than the cure, it was time to let her know where I truly stood. Now knowing her feelings for me only existed because it was a secret, I spent the entire day, the second straight I didn¡¯t hear from her, writing all I felt. I then sent my true feelings to her the only way I was ever allowed to.

    ME: ¡°On Lance Palaces website, he writes about a ¡°wonderful relationship¡± and then described its end as a ¡°tragic¡± moment in the past year of his life. If he truly felt that way you could only imagine what I must be going through right now.¡±

    ME: ¡°You know, I woke up on Monday morning at 4:00 a.m. knowing for the first time in my life that it was Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement. I then remembered last year when you told me about this day¡ªtelling me it made you feel weird. I then asked you why and you told me ¡°Uh Day of Atonement¡± like I was Jewish and I knew what this day was even about. I couldn¡¯t fall back to sleep thinking about the condescending tone in your text. Two years ago, I would¡¯ve never known what this day was, let alone what it meant, but now it upsets me because I¡¯m affected by it. It wouldn¡¯t be a problem for me if I was Jewish, but I¡¯m not, However, I¡¯m reminded of it for only one reason¡ªyou only observe it because of him.¡±

    ME: ¡°There are a lot of things you don¡¯t understand about how I¡¯ve felt over the last 22 months because you never had to face the same things. I want you to know so you can understand where ¡°20 questions, jabs, accusations, and threats¡± could come from.¡±

    ME: ¡°When I first met you, I asked you point blank and simply ¡°If you¡¯re not happy with your marriage, why don¡¯t you get a divorce?¡± And you said ¡°Nobody would want to be with a divorcee who has baggage.¡± Of course, later I would find out you could get ¡°any man I want¡± but that¡¯s not surprising. However, not once did I hear in the beginning, a time you claimed to be ¡°honest¡± with me, that ¡°I¡¯m afraid it would hurt my kids.¡± Or ¡°My kids trust me to never leave my husband.¡± Or ¡°My kids would never give me permission to leave him.¡±

    ME: ¡°I gave you my trust from day one¡ªall the trust in the world, without judgment, I gave to you. I believed you when you told me that no one wanted to be with you because you had kids. I trusted you to lead me in the right direction. I trusted you to tell me ¡°I¡¯m still there because I¡¯m better than the general public¡±. You also then told me ¡°I¡¯m not happy because he made me work and he promised that I wouldn¡¯t have to.¡±. I then replied ¡°That¡¯s not a reason to be unhappy in your marriage because that¡¯s what a marriage is all about.¡±. Of course, chose to conveniently forget ever telling me this, but you did and it¡¯s why you wanted to meet just to tell me ¡°He cheated on me four times¡± because you know you failed to sell me on it the first time. All the while without telling me it didn¡¯t matter how many times he¡¯s cheated on you because you¡¯re better than the general public.¡±

    ME: ¡°Of all the things you ever told me, telling me he cheated on you four times was the worst thing you could¡¯ve ever told me because I¡¯m simply not here if you never did. To make it even worse, you were still sharing the same bed with him and having sex as if he had never hurt you a day in your life. You even had the balls to tell me you don¡¯t even kiss him or say ¡°I love you¡± back to him when he says it to you. If that was true, why did you have to make a promise not to kiss him on New Year¡¯s Eve? He seemed upset enough with you to make me believe kissing him never ceased otherwise why would he have been so alarmed?¡±

    ME: ¡°The thing that bothers me more than anything is that you assumed and trusted me to be a dishonest person along with you. To basically live the lie you choose to live every day, even using lies to reel me in then hang me out to dry with. Again, I trusted you that his philandering was a problem in your marriage and not that you were at ¡°peace¡± with each other. I was misled¡ªperiod. If you treated me like everyone else you seemed to respect, like a ¡°Ya-Ya, or a neighbor, or a co-worker, then I wouldn¡¯t be here right now but you chose not to because you thought you could get away with it.¡±

    ME: ¡°In the beginning you could have told me ¡°yea but I¡¯m willing to live with his infidelities¡±, but you didn¡¯t until after you were assured, I had fallen deeply in love with you.¡±

    ME: ¡°As much as I was a willing participant, you fail to recognize you, probably out of the guilt you feel for betraying your kids, that you pursued me, not the other way around. And I was only a willing participant because I trusted all you told me about your husband and the way you felt about him was true. You approached me at Sonomas, not the other way around. My only fault was believing you wanted to really change things and opening my heart up to you. Just pointing out the facts here.¡±

    ME: ¡°One thing I¡¯ve learned about you in two years is that you will say anything to anyone to get what you want from them¡ªmuch like a politician does. You seem to think it¡¯s best to tell people what you think they want to hear and not what they need to hear. It¡¯s manipulative, self-serving, and I¡¯m hurting right now because of it. I have little doubt you¡¯ve picked this up from your husband.¡±

    ME: ¡°I want to make this perfectly clear¡ªI¡¯ve never hurt you the way you have hurt me. You have no right to accuse me of breaking your heart. You have broken your own heart at the same time you¡¯ve broken mine.¡±

    ME: ¡°I have had to endure dinners with him and family, client dinners, Valentine day dinners, a trip to Spain, family trips, skiing trips, New Year¡¯s Eve parties, Hanukah dinner parties, Thanksgiving, Christmas, social events, anniversary dinner parties, neighbor parties, birthday parties, girlfriend trips, girlfriend parties, you sleeping in the same bed naked with him, you walking around the house naked (yea right, you don¡¯t care about the way you look), pool parties, labor day parties, independence day parties, bat mitzvahs, soccer games, baseball games, Kings games, Galaxy games, BBQ¡¯s, etc. The list could go on and on. This relationship was never about me¡ªthis was about you.¡±

    ME: ¡°Then you would tell me ¡°I hope you understand¡± or ¡°It could never work out if you didn¡¯t understand¡± or ¡°I¡¯m afraid I¡¯m going to hurt you with my plans coming up.¡± But you went ahead and made those plans anyway, didn¡¯t you? Oh, that¡¯s right, I had the choice to leave you, but by that time, it was the equivalent to pushing a disabled person out of their wheelchair and demand them to walk. And you wonder why I question your love?¡±

    ME: ¡°Trust me, if you were me, if you stood where I stood, you would also be making your own conclusions, jabbing me, accusing me and even ¡°threatening¡± me too if you had to endure all of those things just to be told ¡°have a nice life¡±. When you¡¯re throwing and going to parties every weekend, it gave me the impression that you weren¡¯t hurting or missing me as much as you told me you were. Because you preferred a secret relationship over the real thing, reading into things was my only way to try to make sense of the things you were doing. If you wonder why you got 20 questions, accusations, jabs and threats, this was just one of the reasons why.¡±

    ME: ¡°You reeled me in with your actions and words then dumped me off with a ton of feelings and I¡¯m not happy about it after enduring all I have. If I had known all this was going on in your life and I would rarely get to see the one I loved, I would¡¯ve never pursued a relationship with you. Guess what? I would¡¯ve stopped talking to you too¡ªespecially if it would make me pressure you and you¡¯d only look upon us as betraying your kids. You told me you believed in our love and you believe you¡¯ve sinned and betrayed your kids? You accused me of contradicting myself all the time, but this was the reason why I did¡ªyou completely mind fucked me. What did you really think of me the night we met? Was I some kind of joke to you and your friend that you really wanted this kind of relationship for me? You had all this knowledge about your life yet still allowed and encouraged me to fall deeply in love with you?¡±

    ME: ¡°Understand this; You¡¯re only ¡°in love¡± with me because it¡¯s a secret. I¡¯m sorry, but you played a game with my heart by loving me the way you did while knowing you looked down upon those who¡¯ve divorced¡ªaka ¡°the general public¡±. If I felt you were showing me you loved me by ¡°letting me go¡±, I¡¯d be the first to tell you so. All you did was put my heart on a string, tugged and pulled only when it best suited you.¡±

    ME: ¡°San Francisco was a perfect example of the way you¡¯ve treated me. A beautiful time together. Perfection. Then you blasted me out of nowhere during dinner bringing me from a high high to a low low. I drove all the way up there, a man you knew was diagnosed as clinically depressed, so you could tell me that? As if twenty-two months meant nothing to you? You could have just told me the things you did at dinner, here via text. Did I need to go all the way up there to have my heart ripped out of my chest? You did that enough here with your daily inconsistencies. Then your husband decides to cyber stalk me on Facebook and suddenly after twenty-two months together you ¡°don¡¯t want to face anything anymore.¡±? Since you demand me to understand everything, can you at least understand why I questioned your love, even feeling betrayed by it? Sorry, but this wasn¡¯t all about me, but certainly all about you. All you wanted was the fun and games but nothing else¡ªit¡¯s not right. You complain about me blasting you out of nowhere sometimes but you did that to me all the time with your inconsistencies¡ªloving me one day then seemingly forgetting about me the next. There were many times you¡¯d bring me up just to bring me down days later, even hours later like you did at dinner in San Francisco.¡±This novel is published on a different platform. Support the original author by finding the official source.

    ME: ¡°Worst yet, I can¡¯t even express my feelings without you getting upset at me. Instead of getting ¡°Landyn, I can understand how you feel, but you¡¯re misreading things¡± I¡¯d get ¡°I don¡¯t want to answer that because it will only upset you.¡± So, let me get this straight¡ªthe things you don¡¯t tell me, things that you know would hurt me, is also being honest with me? Is loving me? I rarely got any understanding from you other than to tell me to have a good life to even questioning my manhood after gaslighting me. Of course, I¡¯m going to feel like a victim¡ªlove is an emotion yet you even tried denying me that by trying to pull the wool over my eyes like I was your kids. You even treated me like I didn¡¯t even exist whenever I fought for you¡ªtreating me like the disease and the reason for your god awful marriage.¡±

    ME: ¡°I shared my entire being with you. I don¡¯t allow that treatment from people who I share myself with¡ªI¡¯m not your sex predator husband. Sorry, but you¡¯ve been entirely disrespectful to me by thinking I was just like him.¡±

    ME: ¡°Another reason you got 20 questions, jabs, accusations and threats is because you intimately shared the lives of your kids with me. You even invited me to Katie¡¯s recital and told me I knew her more than any other man. You made me feel super special then hit me with ¡°if I were to be with you, it would hurt my kids¡± after you encouraged and allowed me to fall deeply in love with you. How does loving and being with a man who honors, respects and loves you betraying them? Why would you ever pit them against us knowing the truth? You think a mother¡¯s mental state is well adjusted enough to stay in a marriage that inspired her to fall in love and pursue another man? How could you ever allow me to fall madly in love with you for even a day with zero real intentions of ever being with me? Why would you ever pit them against me? Because I¡¯m upset with you for staying in a marriage that¡¯s only inspired you to pursue another man twice already?¡±

    ME: ¡°I appreciate that you shared their lives with me but not if you felt it would hurt them if we were together or that loving me was betraying them. You told me Lance left you because you had kids¡ªI had no idea I¡¯d be judged for not having any of my own¡ªlike I was never worthy enough to even meet them one day. You basically used them as weapons against me. I never lied to you about what I stood for¡ªyou and kids were a great package deal in my eyes and I meant it. Sharing your kids with me made me fall deeper in love with you; allowing me to dream of getting to know them. I have to be honest here, but that¡¯s probably the most fucked up thing anyone has ever done to me. You might as well had just put a bullet in my head.¡±

    ME: ¡°I understand you feeling the way you do about your kids¡ªI really do. But not when you allowed me to be in your life, especially when there was a man before me, and after you approached me, set up a date, and allowed and encouraged me to love you so deeply. The ¡°sacrifice¡± mothers make should have been done after Lance, not after Landyn. Then you told me you would leave an adult decision, our life decision in their hands, after I was already in your life. When we first met, you never told me that their permission would be required if you were to leave. If I had known that, I¡¯d know I¡¯d never have a chance and if breaking their hearts were on the table, I would¡¯ve run for my life, but you took it from me instead¡ªeven taking the chance of having kids of my own one day because it will take me years to get past this, if I ever do. I had no idea from the very first day we met that you just had absolutely zero respect for my heart. I think this is a sweet thought for a mother to have¡ªto think of her kids, but not when someone is in your life the way I was. You seem to conveniently forget I walked away at one time because you were married and I feared you¡¯d use me to fill a void in your marriage. After your ¡°Don¡¯t classify me with the general public¡± and ¡°I feel I¡¯ve betrayed my kids¡± comments, that¡¯s exactly what you did, my greatest fear coming true.¡±

    ME: ¡°Another thing that upset me, especially the closer we became, is we would share beautiful moments together. Whether in my room, on our beach, Laguna Beach, San Diego, or San Francisco. After every moment you would tell me things like ¡°It was the best morning ever¡± and ¡°it meant everything¡±.¡±

    ME: ¡°You always got mad at me because you felt you would pay the price afterwards. Well, it was because you would just go home and three days later you would basically disappear as if I didn¡¯t exist. You cheapened our beautiful moments by going back into another bed without caring how it would make me feel. I don¡¯t know where you got this sense of entitlement, but I expected a man like the douchebag you married to do that, not the woman I love¡ªI¡¯ve never slept with someone and disappeared on them as if they didn¡¯t exist. I don¡¯t know where you learned this behavior from but you can¡¯t do that to people, Anya. Again, you don¡¯t know how that feels because I never did that to you and that¡¯s where 20 questions, accusations, jabs and threats come from.¡±

    ME: ¡°Believe me, I paid dearly every time¡ªit wasn¡¯t just you who paid.¡±

    ME: ¡°The last reason you got 20 questions, accusations, jabs and threats is because you made the decision to ¡°suck it up¡± when I was in your life after all I endured just for a chance to be with you. After you encouraged and allowed me to fall in love with you. After I walked away from you to avoid all I feel now. Again, I trusted you to lead me in the right direction. I understand Katie¡¯s letter was tough for you to read and you felt like you weren¡¯t there for her. You felt guilty about this like the great mother you are¡ªand you are a great mother, no question. You weren¡¯t there for her not because of your love for me, but because of the inequity and trust issues with your marriage. What you found on Katie¡¯s computer was proof the marriage was hurting the kids, but you didn¡¯t see it that way because of the financial security it provides you and them. You know, I can¡¯t even fault you for that, I just don¡¯t think it¡¯s fair you were never honest about it¡ªthat I had to find this out after allowing and encouraging me to fall madly in love with you. I know you ¡°hang in there¡± for the kids too, but this is why I asked you on the first night if his wealth was why you were still there and I¡¯ve had to learn it was for the money all along because you believe your kids wouldn¡¯t have the best things in life if you were with me. I see other things too and I get it. Since you take care of the kids, you know he wouldn¡¯t know what to do if he had them¡ªhe¡¯d probably neglect them since he already leaves things up to you that he should be doing. I also believe you stay however to protect your image, your reputation, and to keep up appearances as to not lose 75% of your friends and business contacts. If I¡¯m your ¡°everything¡±, I find it very hard to believe taking all that into consideration. This relationship was never about ME¡ªnot for a single day. It was all about YOU. But I accepted that going in because it had to be about your happiness more than my own¡ªand your happiness would¡¯ve always been more important than my own¡ªit¡¯s the way I am. I just didn¡¯t expect you to hide so much from me, to the point I not only feel misled, but that you misrepresented everything about your situation to me that put me directly in the line of fire.¡±

    ME: I know you¡¯re afraid and I understand your fears more than you think I do, and what you¡¯re up against and they are all legitimate reasons to be afraid, but Anya, there is one truth about love above all else--love does not know fear, The problem I have is you brought me into your life, a stranger you encouraged and allowed to feel deeply for you, and that should have scared you more than anything, especially after what I told you about money scaring me away when I decided to walk away from you on our first date. You told me I broke your heart and I took responsibility for it, trying to make it right so you¡¯d never have your heart broken again¡ªI couldn¡¯t have ever imagined you would break mine instead¡ªtreating me as if I was the one who cheated on you multiple times in your marriage. To learn the reason Lance left you wasn¡¯t because he thought your kids were baggage, but because you pitted your kids against him too¡ªwhy he described his beautiful relationship with you as tragic. Lance also knew most of the people in your circle of friends, and that¡¯s why it was easier to date me¡ªI was more disconnected from the real picture of your life than Lance was, You should¡¯ve equally afraid of taking my heart without being prepared to leave and denying me any sense of hope. Again, you played with my feelings by loving me with your heart and soul and leaving me hanging out to dry, as if I deserved this. Your husband deserves this, not me. This wasn¡¯t about you leaving now, no, this was about you not even being able to make a promise to leave one day. Now that I know you had no plans to ever divorce, daring to be labeled as part of the general public (your reputation and image), it¡¯s quite clear you used me to feel again.¡±

    ME: ¡°I gave you 100% of me. Sadly, you will have that for a long time to come. I was there for you whenever and wherever you needed me. I even supported you when you had rough times, choosing to give you a chance to figure things out. I never made you pay for a mistake after breaking up with me, opting instead to see your side of things¡ªnever turning you away whenever you wanted to see me again because you were having a hard time and missing me. I scheduled my life around you and always made myself available to you, even opening my heart to you because I trusted you would lead me in the right direction to at least a promise to be together one day. I trusted in your hopes, wishes and dreams¡ªbelieving they wouldn¡¯t be those things if they hurt your kids.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯ve had to endure the fa?ade every day for 22 months and you never changed one single thing in your life. My reward for loving you and wanting to be with the one who wished she belonged to me, who wanted to wear my ring, who loves me forever, was to let me go. Even Summer in the movie ¡°500 Days of Summer¡± didn¡¯t do such a thing to the guy who reminded you of me. It wasn¡¯t our story because at least Summer was straight up with that guy. As much as you think I¡¯m an angry person, I got angry for a reason, Anya. I argued with you for a reason. If you could somehow get a man who doesn¡¯t get angry and who doesn¡¯t argue, who in fact hates arguing, to get angry and argue then you¡¯ve done something wrong. As much as you would love to believe I am, I¡¯m not crazy or psycho. This love was so passionate and emotional because of the situation, it drove me crazy¡ªit would do that to anyone who feels all I do. I¡¯m sure you would like to think of me as such because it would make your decision easier, and maybe you did that intentionally for that reason? You took me for a hell of a ride.¡±

    ME: ¡°I know you like to hold onto the words ¡°I don¡¯t know¡± or ¡°I told you I couldn¡¯t promise anything¡± but I can¡¯t let anyone tell me or lead me to believe in ¡°I love you forever¡± and ¡°I believe in our love¡± or ¡°I want to wear your ring¡± to leave me hanging to dry without having something to say about it. There were a lot more things you told me and allowed me to feel that brought me here and it¡¯s not fair to be judged for the anguish it¡¯s caused. This relationship was never about me for a single day, but you twisted it to make it seem that way whenever I felt hurt by the things you did. This entire relationship was on your terms and never mine, and I played along up until now. I¡¯ve been nothing but a gentleman about it for a long time before it started to hurt me because my feelings naturally grew because of all we shared.¡±

    ME: ¡°You just don¡¯t do this to people, Anya. Loving someone with your heart and soul, and not doing anything to be with them is not a unique gift. You gave me a gift you wouldn¡¯t allow me to unwrap. You never take chances with someone else¡¯s heart. You don¡¯t take or try¡ªyou do. You stand up for them. I didn¡¯t do this to us¡ªyou did this to us by not knowing things you should have known.¡±

    ME: ¡°If you thought at any time during this relationship that being together would hurt Katie and Andrew, you misled me completely and gave me false hope. How dare you allow me to ever be in your life if you felt that way and how dare you tell me that you would beg a man for forgiveness who has cheated on your four times, the only reason I was in your life in the first place. Again, if I had known you felt this was a betrayal of your kids, I would¡¯ve never allowed myself to trust you. If mothers make sacrifices for their children, it should have been done after Lance, not after Landyn. I¡¯m the second guy here, not the first, and who knows if there¡¯s more than that? You seem to be letting me go really well.¡±

    ME: ¡°If you¡¯re hurt too and your life will never be the same again, then you should not be there otherwise you must¡¯ve always been open to working on your marriage¡ªanother thing you decided to hide from me.¡±

    ME: ¡°You told me you were close to getting out of the car like Francesco Johnson in ¡°The Bridges of Madison County¡±, but how close were you? When was that moment? I¡¯d like to know because if you really wanted to change things, I wouldn¡¯t think you¡¯d feel I was pressuring you by any means.¡±

    ME: ¡°You must¡¯ve been drinking when you told me the things you did that allowed and encouraged me to fall deeply in love with you, or you¡¯re just a politician who says things to get what you want from people.¡±

    ME: ¡°Your ¡°Don¡¯t classify me with the general public¡± remark on Monday set all this off. You had no right to snap at me. I didn¡¯t deserve that at all and I won¡¯t take it from you. Believe it or not, I not only risked everything too, but I actually lost things. You¡¯ve crippled me mentally and emotionally by loving me the way you did and then pitting me against your kids. I hate to tell you this and I always intended to hide it from you, but my love for you was the reason I lost my job because I lost focus. Your husband, Jackson, was my firm¡¯s biggest client and he whined to my boss about our relationship. My boss confronted me about it and admitted it was why they fired me, on the same day as my promotion to partner. I then watched your husband cyber stalk me on Facebook for an innocuous post about San Francisco and Las Vegas, and you did nothing at all to protect me¡ªinstead blaming me for everything and giving the serial philanderer you married the benefit of curiosity. I took a monster leap of faith for you and with you. I was badly hurt in my last relationship and I didn¡¯t want to get hurt again¡ªI couldn¡¯t afford to at my age and with a career that depended on a sound mind. I trusted in your love to find a way for us to be together; if we were one, if we were soulmates. I trusted in your love not to ever hurt me. And I trusted your love not to leave me stranded and leaving me to believe you misrepresented everything about your ¡°situation¡±, even telling me ¡°There is no marriage¡±.¡±

    ME: ¡°I trusted your eyes when they got lost in mine, with all the love in the world in them to never hurt me just as much as you trusted the way I looked at you. I trusted you to at the very least make me a promise to leave if you truly loved me that much.¡±

    ME: ¡°I trusted you all the times you ever told me ¡°I love you forever¡±. I trusted you when you told me ¡°I want to wear your ring¡±. I trusted you when you told me ¡°I could see us with one¡±. I trusted all the things you told me consistent with love for me, so I fell freely and securely in love with you regardless of the situation. In the end, you just played with my heart without even trying to find a single way for us to be together, enough to at least make a promise to be with me.¡±

    ME: ¡°I know you think I will care again but my life is forever changed¡ªI¡¯ll pay every day for the rest of my life, never being brave to feel or trust love ever again I¡¯ve always believed people got married for the wrong reasons, but now I know they also stay together for them too. I always thought the divorce rate was too high but now I know it¡¯s too low. I used to have the utmost respect for marriages and all relationships, but you have taught me otherwise. I¡¯ve also learned kids ruin marriages.¡±

    ME: ¡°I was not ¡°stress relief¡±. I was not in your life for marriage support nor was I a ¡°vacation¡± for you. My heart was not for your intrigue to look at like a novelty item in a store and to decide if you wanted to buy it or not. I¡¯m not a pair of shoes or a dress you try on then return without a second¡¯s thought. You bought it the day you decided to love me with your heart and soul. The day you called me your true love. The day you told me you knew I was your soulmate.¡±

    ME: ¡°You had the audacity to tell me not to blame him for my unhappiness. Well, all I know is this¡ªif he didn¡¯t cheat on you, I wouldn¡¯t be depressed, angry, sad, and on Zoloft right now because I would¡¯ve never known you and I always told you I wish he had never cheated on you.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯ll be the first to admit I¡¯ve made some mistakes and took responsibility for even the mistakes that weren¡¯t my fault, I did nothing deserving of this broken heart. I¡¯m allowed to defend myself, Anya if you¡¯re not going to. Yes, I¡¯ve shaken your trust, but I¡¯ve never broken it, but you¡¯ve decided to treat me as if I had. If you felt you betrayed your kids at any time during our relationship, then you were always looking for a way out, and what better way than to blame me for being angry so you could make a clean getaway? You don¡¯t get to point a finger at me anymore and say I didn¡¯t want this. I¡¯ve endured a lot just to see you a few hours every two weeks and I¡¯m the only one here who had to pay every day and night for it. And my only reward for being a ¡°nice guy¡± (Yep, I fell for that one again) and a ¡°gem¡± was you telling me to ¡°have a nice life¡± because you couldn¡¯t handle the pressure yet I had to handle knowing every night that the woman I loved so much was sleeping next to someone else and everything else you led me to believe you wanted to change, but never even tried to do.¡±

    ME: ¡°I hated to do this to you, Anya¡ªto send all of my grievances to you. To whine and tell you all this stuff I feel, but your words on Monday and the silence that followed, made me feel used, misled and played and it was time to let you know¡ªI¡¯m no longer your fool. You picked the wrong guy to treat this way.¡±

    After I sent the forty third and final text just after midnight, I ran to my bathroom, threw my head in a toilet to empty out my stomach¡ªthe end had arrived, and I knew it. My trust in her to lead me the right way, the entire way, even in the middle of her indecision, was my undoing. There had to be a balance of control in our relationship¡ªit couldn¡¯t just reside with her. After I lost my job and spent the last month unable to move out of bed, even getting addicted to opiates in the process to help me cope¡ªit was time to lose my life. In the end, I trusted Anya to be honest in the end if she truly loved me, never choosing to live a dishonest life¡ªthe reason I fought so hard for her happiness. Believing she was being honest with me was what made her so beautiful to me. That she knew what love was and loved me too much to do something that would hurt me. Instead, since there was no way, I would ever know, she took advantage of my blind spot, and did things she knew would hurt me. In her head, if I never knew about them, they couldn¡¯t hurt me. That works with her children, but not someone who put their heart on the line for her. Over time, I learned what felt like love to Anya, wasn¡¯t truly love. Instead of fantasizing about a possible life together, she wanted to share sexual fantasies. Either she treated me as if her husband and I were the same kind of man, or all she ever wanted was to enjoy sex without having kids barging in on her.

    I didn¡¯t sleep the entire night¡ªthese texts tearing into my soul. My heart wasn¡¯t just broken, but beyond repair. I hoped maybe she would see how I could have felt about the things she told me, but I expected to be blasted by her in the morning, if she had the strength to respond to them at all. I held out little hope she would see my words as nothing less than a personal attack on her character¡ªand in her defense, they were. I then started to see Anya for what she really was¡ªa woman who had a history of changing her mind at a moment¡¯s notice towards the men in her life¡ªfinding fault with them instead of herself. Of course, her husband was excluded from the list, and although I didn¡¯t know the details enough to truly judge, something had to be said for the way Anya dealt with them. She even made fun of her friend, Flora, even calling her a ¡°psycho¡± for smashing her ex¡¯s phone after she found out he cheated on her, and told me after she got divorced that Flora went ¡°shining¡± on her. She even told me about having a stalker in her life. At the time I dismissed it, but now it seemed she likely hurt him really bad. She was also engaged at one time to another man before Jackson reappeared in her life. When she dumped him for the man she ended up marrying, the guy was so broken up by it, he fled the state. Then there was the friend of Jackson, who after she married him, wanted her to take a chance with him¡ªleaving me to have little doubt I was at least the third guy she¡¯s done this to while being married. By far, I¡¯m sure I was the biggest fool out of all of us.

    Anya never dreaming of falling in love as a little girl should¡¯ve given me great pause¡ªthere was no way she¡¯d ever believe love was a rational notion. As much as she claimed to hate it, Anya was drawn to drama. Not only was she a gifted actress, but she was a Director as well. As much as she demanded to be in control, she was too intoxicated with whim and fantasy to deserve the wheel. For her to have hurt a man so badly that he felt the need to leave the state was all the evidence in the world of who Anya truly was as a person. It could be said that Jackson breaking up that engagement was the second time he ruined a marriage. It seemed what she considered to be settling out of ¡°convenience¡± for a disrespectful and arrogant man like Jackson, a man who broke up another man¡¯s marriage while cheating on his pregnant wife, was just karma for canceling her engagement¡ªshe wasn¡¯t the victim she made herself out to be. There was no doubt she fell out of love with Jackson, but it had nothing to do with his infidelities¡ªrather for the general grievances in any marriage. As long as women desired Jackson, regardless of his transgressions, Anya was honored to say she slept in the same bed as him. The fact that she could sleep in the same bed as him, even looking him in the eye after all we shared just destroyed me from the inside out. There was no way I¡¯d ever trust the words ¡°I love you¡± from someone again¡ªthere was no chance at recovery for me. The dream of love, of having kids and raising a family, would die because I planned to.

    When Anya responded to my forty plus instant messages at fifty-seven minutes past five that morning, messages I wish I could¡¯ve been strong enough to never send, I expected nothing less than a response to officially end all I ever believed in and fought for. Instead, she responded in a manner consistent with the way I was living my life because of her love for me.

    ANYA: ¡°Can¡¯t move.¡±

 CHAPTER 20 ~ THE FOOL

    ¡°Never realized the passing hours of evening showers,

    Slip noose hangin¡¯ in my darkest dreams.

    I¡¯m strangled by your haunted social scene.

    Just a pawn outplayed by a dominating queen.¡±

    ~ ¡°Someone Saved My Life Tonight¡± Elton John

    Although I felt some poetic justice in Anya¡¯s ¡°Can¡¯t move¡± response¡ªshe had no idea how many times the things she said and did left me feeling the same way¡ªI knew the great cost that came with it. After her ¡°Don¡¯t classify me with the general public¡± and ¡°I feel I¡¯ve betrayed my kids¡± statements, I felt completely betrayed. It¡¯s fine for a woman to change her mind about where she wanted to go to dinner, but after all I endured to be with her, I didn¡¯t deserve for her to feel this way. Her words opened the gates of hell to me¡ªshe had deceived me as much as she deceived Jackson. What she texted me was cold and heartless, shining more light on how this relationship was all about her. They represented a flagrant disregard to everything I fought for her to have, and although she would claim she warned me, nothing could¡¯ve prepared me for learning that loving me was not love but a betrayal of her kids. Money distorted what she considered a betrayal. The day she told me she wallpapered her son¡¯s room with dollar bills, I should¡¯ve run for my life, instead I believed a woman who never dreamt of love, to know what love meant. If she was proud to not be part of the general public in regards to divorce rates, then Jackson could¡¯ve had sex with an orangutang, brought her back the Ebola virus, and she would have still chosen to stay with him. After learning that she betrayed her kids and never planned to divorce Jackson no matter what I did, even after telling me what I needed to do then doing those things, after promising to be with me if I swept her off her feet, it was official¡ªshe had taken not only two years from me, but my belief in love forever. As my mind claimed victory over the beauty of the heart, all that made her beautiful began to fade away.

    When I didn¡¯t hear back from Anya, I searched for the emails Denise sent me over the course of our relationship, along with the one that ended it. When I sent them to Anya, I wanted her to see how this happens to me time and time again¡ªhow the ones who claim to love me do the same thing. I could understand a heartbreak like this in my twenties, I had time to figure things out, but this was the mother of all self-esteem crushing heartbreaks, and I was now nearing forty. The more things changed, the more time passed me by, it only proved that love would always be a dream for me¡ªnever a reality. Anya painted a nice picture, we both got to have fun, grew and laughed, but she was the only one who felt that way. For her to believe being able to experience what I did with Anya was a positive in my life, she had the same amount of arrogance Jackson did. No doubt Anya had feelings for me, she couldn¡¯t fake the tears and joy I saw and felt, but that only existed as long as she didn¡¯t have to announce to the world she loved me¡ªas long as it remained a secret, as if Jackson was the perfect husband and she had the perfect marriage. To be honest, it all felt surreal at this particular time, but inside I had never seethed more about anything.

    After I sent Denise¡¯s emails to Anya on the morning of the first day of October, I followed-up about them.

    ME: ¡°I don¡¯t have anything else to say. Those were a sequence of emails I received from my ex. Since it was a long distance relationship we emailed each other often. Texting wasn¡¯t an option for us. It¡¯s a good example why I feel the way I do about things and why I didn¡¯t want to go through this again. Why I walked away from you initially.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m exhausted. I helped a friend move today. Hopefully I gave you a little insight into my thinking process. Why I read into things as much as I did. It¡¯s because, like you, she got me really excited. She never loved me but she was making plans for us so something was there. She got me really excited about our future then hit me with that email. It doesn¡¯t matter anymore but it took me a long time to get over that. I walked away from you for a reason¡ªall I¡¯m feeling now is a thousand times worse than what she did to me.¡±

    ME: ¡°Nice guys finish last. That¡¯s all I know.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m all cut up. Can¡¯t move.¡±

    How did she think I felt at dinner in San Francisco? How did she think I felt when reading ¡°I felt I sinned and betrayed my kids¡± and ¡°Don¡¯t classify me with the general public¡±? After all I endured for her over the last two years? All the times I¡¯d stay home too sad to leave the house while she¡¯s out partying with friends and enjoying life as if I didn¡¯t exist? Making plans she knew would rip my heart of my chest if I knew about them. Lying in bed next to a man she told me she refused to kiss anymore and never returning his ¡°I love you¡¯s¡±. Now, she sided with him after all the infidelities, even willing to hand over her phone and beg for forgiveness? After she took two years and counting from me? She may claim she felt responsible, but they were just crocodile tears if she believed she betrayed her kids by falling in love with a man who would walk the ends of the earth and back for her. She even judged me in a situation, without seeing all the sacrifices I made, tying my hands behind my back unable to love her the way anyone else would be able to. How could she expect me to see her side of things when she never attempted to see mine¡ªshe even had no idea what I went through and based it on her own feelings that were more self-serving love than a love for me. Sadly, as special as I thought she was and deserving of true love, she was no different than every other superficial woman in the world who lusted for money and popularity. The greatest heartbreak was learning that the Anya I fell in love with was deserving of an Oscar.

    ME: ¡°I¡¯ve said what I needed to say. Not something I wanted to do but when you¡¯re telling me ¡°I don¡¯t want you to think we¡¯re getting back together¡± and ¡°Maybe you can get a roommate¡± and ¡°You will have again¡± and ¡°You will care again¡±. I know you thought you were meaning well but it was too much, especially when I think your husband should be the one hearing these things and not me. I didn¡¯t want to tell you any of those things.¡±

    ME: ¡°Thanks for reading. That¡¯s all I could really ask for.¡±

    As much as she wanted me to believe she was ¡°cut up¡± and ¡°couldn¡¯t move¡±, I found it hard to believe. Anya had proven to me more than once that she would say anything to get what she needed from me, and even what she didn¡¯t need from me. I refused to fall prey to her politics ever again¡ªa love for politics she incorporated into her everyday life to manipulate others for her own benefit. She may have been able to bait and switch on me like the most adroit salesperson could do, but I was dropping the curtain on this shit show. Anya was beyond cruel for allowing me to feel so much for her if she found people who divorced to be in a group of people she would never consider being a part of. To find out things two years later that she should¡¯ve told me in the very beginning was maddening. If she viewed herself as above the general divorcing public, then why didn¡¯t she tell me that was the reason she was still there? Instead, she tells me no one would want to be with her because she has baggage. After doing my due diligence before agreeing to date her, and then trusting her answers, she decided to deceive me anyway. I couldn¡¯t have imagined this level of deceit from her although the very nature of her love for me was based on it. She never had my consent to be involved in a relationship with her if she felt it would betray her kids¡ªthis would leave me traumatized as much as a rape victim would be. The only person who was honest at the beginning of our relationship was me. Beyond upset and devastated, I still held out hope that the woman I fell in love with would somehow emerge from this to prove me wrong about everything.

    Later that evening, I sent her another message.

    ME: ¡°Just know what I sent you was the hardest thing I¡¯ve ever done in my life. I know you¡¯re a good person and even good people do bad things sometimes. I don¡¯t know how I can ever trust anyone again if I can¡¯t put my trust in someone who is in love with me. Just like when you told me if you can¡¯t trust me then who can you trust? I know that it hasn¡¯t been easy for you over there and I know you feel bad and responsible. And you¡¯ve been really nice to me, but my life is a wreck and I don¡¯t know how to handle it other than to wake up and realize all I¡¯m up against now. You don¡¯t know how much I hated to tell you all the things I did, especially the job part. It appears I need to do whatever it takes to move on and I have to see this love of ours for what it really was now. I¡¯m sorry we had to end up this way. It¡¯s the saddest thing I¡¯ve ever experienced.¡±

    I thought I might hear back from her after she read this text in the morning, but I never did.

    I hoped she would do whatever it took to prove me wrong. I wanted to be wrong about everything, but her continued silence only confirmed the validity of my feelings. She couldn¡¯t even send a message to tell me ¡°I can understand how you could feel that way Landyn, but you¡¯re wrong¡± or ¡°You¡¯re taking what I said out of context, what I meant was¡­¡±. Fighting for our love, in her mind, was choosing sexual pleasure over her children, telling me all I needed to know about Anya¡¯s ¡°love¡± for me. No wonder why she demanded me to never question it.

    I didn¡¯t know who I was anymore¡ªa different person shoved into a colder world with nothing to believe in ever again. Even as I tried to see through her eyes, Anya only saw through her own. In no uncertain terms did I see myself as an angel in this by any stretch of the imagination, but it was because Anya had misrepresented her situation to me. I meant what I said and said what I meant. Never would I allow someone to develop enormous feelings for me without going to bat for them. If I had kids, and I encouraged someone to fall deeply in love with me, it was no longer about just me dealing with staying for their sake. I¡¯d have recognized I made a conscious decision, not a mistake, to allow someone to care for me greatly for a reason regardless of my children. I would never bring someone to heaven on earth who loved me dearly and kick them out the way Anya did. For her to even sit on a fence was cruel and if she knew she wanted me to date her, by telling me all she did about her philandering husband, then I¡¯d be there to catch her¡ªno questions asked. Anya even claimed she wasn¡¯t submissive like her mother was, and she proved that up until now. Up until Jackson stalked me on Facebook, instead of blaming the dishonest spouse, she blamed me instead¡ªthe man who honored and cherished her. When Anya made the decision to never leave, way before she found Katie¡¯s essay, her goal became to slowly weed me out banking on me eventually giving up. When that didn¡¯t happen, she would just wait for the moment I¡¯d crack and then she had her way out. Her tears were never meant for me or for us, but the guilt she felt for her kids. Everything was starting to fall into place now after she told me she felt she betrayed them for merely falling in love with a man who honored and respected her. The only way Anya would tell me, about betraying her kids and not wanting to be classified as the general public, is if she truly didn¡¯t love me. Anya was unable to move because she was caught in her own web of lies after I tried to break free from it.

    Anya¡¯s continued silence only added to the fuel burning inside me. Since she seemed to see nothing wrong with her husband stalking me on Facebook, doing nothing to defend me, I decided to see if Carolyn and Debbie were on Facebook. It had always burned me that she never told them about Jackson¡¯s infidelities. Her reasoning for not doing so was ¡°Why paint a bad picture of someone?¡± Well, for one she could¡¯ve saved me a lot of heartache by following that kind of wisdom. Instead, she chose to paint a bad picture of me to her friends as a homewrecker, if they never knew about his infidelities. Another thing that bothered me was how she never allowed them to hear my voice. They only got Anya¡¯s side of the story and never received mine, as if my life didn¡¯t even matter. I had even lost all the trust in what she told them about me. If they thought Jackson was a faithful man, Anya had to tell them I was just in this for shits and giggles and was just fine if she stayed for the sake of the kids¡ªthe reason they thought I was ¡°an angel¡±. For all I knew, she told them Landyn was okay with the arrangement, even after all we shared, and supported her marriage and would never want her to leave Jackson because it would hurt the kids. I found it troublesome that the woman who loved me wouldn¡¯t defend my reason for being in her life to anyone. Now, she could tell me ¡°I love you forever¡± until she was blue in the face and I wouldn¡¯t have believed a single word of it. This woman did not love me¡ªshe only loved herself. When she never shared Jackson¡¯s transgressions with them, it led them to believe I was a true homewrecker¡ªthe only bad picture she painted of someone was of me. For them to enable Anya to pursue a relationship with me just because she had fallen out of love with her husband was awfully twisted of them. Did Jackson¡¯s wealth even make them do things they didn¡¯t want to do?

    I wanted them to know the truth about why I chose to be in Anya¡¯s life¡ªstraight from the horse¡¯s mouth and not a biased party¡¯s watered-down version. I wanted all her friends to know about Jackson Caiaphas, so guys like myself, even Lance, would no longer have ¡°tragic¡± experiences. If Lance thought his loss was tragic, I was afraid to know what my loss was. Anya seemed to need a man who could care less about love¡ªwho just enjoyed no strings attached sex. She got a hell of a bonus from me, and if she thought this love was free of consequences, that my heart was a free ride, she had the wrong man¡ªnobody rides for free. Not after all I endured just for the chance to hear her say ¡°I promise to be with you.¡±. It¡¯s not the fact she wasn¡¯t with me that brought me so much pain and grief. That alone tore me apart, but it was the fact she never knew even after all we shared if she could make a promise¡ªeasily making the promise to continue lying to her kids about her marriage to their father. If I ever mattered to her for a single day out of our twenty-two months together, she would¡¯ve made the impossible possible. Sadly, Anya never wanted reality¡ªshe believed it meant hurting her kids and didn¡¯t include the means to the finer things in life. Unknowingly, I was about to learn, she wasn¡¯t swallowed up by her husband¡¯s narcissism¡ªshe exhibited the same sociopathic traits as he did. The real tragedy was finding out the hard way how narcissists, psychopaths and sociopaths operate to destroy the lives of others.

    I located both Carolyn and Debbie on Facebook and then emailed them the same message. When I didn¡¯t hear from Anya for the last several days after my messages, making no effort to defend herself, I started to believe I was right about all the things I never wanted to be right about. The time had come to set the record straight and since it was quite clear she had no plans to defend me, or us, I took it upon myself to do so. If Anya had no plans to prove her love for me after allowing me to feel all of this, and I wasn¡¯t able to communicate it to people to fight for all I did the last twenty two months, then I could never fight for a damn thing.

    Hi Debbie & Carolyn,

    I¡¯m sorry to bother you with an email to your Facebook account, but I picked this up from a certain someone. I don¡¯t know what Anya has told you about me or us, but she told me you girls know pretty much everything. She has told me you girls think I¡¯m a ¡°saint¡± and you both stick up for me. I really appreciate that but my fear is I don¡¯t think you really know why I¡¯m here. I would like the opportunity to explain myself to you and I think this is the only acceptable forum I have do so considering the situation.

    This is what Anya has communicated to me. She told me you guys know she is unhappy in her marriage and that she just fell out of love with Jackson. Unfortunately, I feel I have to defend myself and my position to you both because I don¡¯t want you to think I¡¯m a terrible person and neither is Anya. I don¡¯t want you to think she was being selfish or she was acting irresponsibly. She¡¯s a human being and sometimes I think she forgets that because of all the people she tries to please in her life.

    What Anya communicated to me is that she fell out of love with Jackson and is unhappy in her marriage because he has cheated on her several times. I guess the last time was 5 years ago or so. When I met her in 2007, she told me it was 3 years ago. He¡¯s also done some other things too that chipped away her feelings for him. I have to tell you this because I think dating her for just being ¡°unhappy¡± without being made aware of her husband¡¯s infidelities makes us both look bad. There is no way I¡¯d be here for any other reason, especially if she was just ¡°unhappy¡± in her marriage. I would never put a faithful loving husband through this kind of suffering because I¡¯ve been in that position before. It had to be a long history of gross infidelities and disrespect for me to even consider seeing Anya.

    I really don¡¯t have any respect for Jackson as her husband and I have no respect for their marriage whatsoever for what he has put her through over the years. A bad marriage should only hurt those on the inside of it, not those on the outside of it. My only fault was opening my heart to someone who led me to believe they were in great despair and emotional anguish. If I thought for a second that falling in love and wanting to be with her would hurt her kids, I would¡¯ve never given her a chance¡ªit¡¯s why we¡¯ve gone in circles. The pain she feels about our breakup is just an extension of the pain Jackson has put here through over the years. He took a perfectly good wife and mother and damaged her mental well-being. Anya is too good of a person to cheat on someone simply because she fell out of love with someone--there was a good reason for it.

    This was a secret she wanted me to hold onto but I wouldn¡¯t be here if she never told me about Jackson¡¯s gross infidelities. I told her I would not protect him and would defend myself if nobody else would, especially when he clearly knows who I am. She told Jackson we were ¡°just friends¡±, and I really trusted her love to be with me, not to ever deny me. That¡¯s why I lost trust in her, we began to argue and one of the reasons why our relationship went south. If there was no situation, she never referred her relationship with Jackson as a marriage, trust would not be an issue between us¡ªthe situation clouds my vision. I love her and miss her very much and I always will.

    Thanks for reading. Take care.

    Landyn

    The next morning, Carolyn and Debbie informed Anya of my emails, bringing her silence to an astonishing halt.

    ANYA: ¡°I just saw the FB. I can¡¯t believe how much you¡¯re hurting me out of malice. I wanted to talk to you this week but I don¡¯t think that is possible now. You¡¯ve said it all. You¡¯ve done enough. I don¡¯t think I could ever hurt you or your friends or your family on purpose. After all we¡¯ve been thru¡­I will forever suffer. I¡¯ve lost my will. Goodbye my Landyn. I continue to pray for your sweet mom. I¡¯m not a bad person Landyn.¡±

    Anya¡¯s broken text would¡¯ve broken me down in the past, but when she went silent instead of taking me to school, it only confirmed she used me. She claimed to not be a bad person, but did good people do those things to good people? Did she not think telling me that our love, all I fought for and lost fighting for her, betrayed her kids was something she shouldn¡¯t apologize to me for? She loved me but still passed her sentence when she said ¡°don¡¯t classify me with the general public¡±. Why didn¡¯t she tell me that when we met so I could still have a chance at a family of my own? There was no girl out there for me, Anya was all that was left for me. She didn¡¯t understand all she took from me by not defending our love, instead choosing to look at it as the killer of children. Could there be something I¡¯m missing? There very well could be, but each time I gave her that opportunity, she made me feel like a monster. Love went to bat for people and she had no plans of even stepping into the batter¡¯s box since the day I met her. I felt betrayed when her words and actions didn¡¯t match up. Anya¡¯s love for me forever a noun, and never a verb.

    ME: ¡°You left me and I trusted you not to do that. To leave me hurting. I trusted you.¡±

    ME: ¡°I trusted in your love, but all you¡¯ve done is ignore me and pretend I never existed. I¡¯m the only one here who is truly suffering.¡±

    ME: ¡°I would never do that to you, but I guess it¡¯s ok to do that to me.¡±

    ME: ¡°You¡¯ve ignored me all week and this weekend. You had your chance to make things right and it took an email to Debbie and Carolyn to get you to finally contact me after all my messages?¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m giving you a chance to have love again and make things right. We¡¯ll see if you choose a life of honesty and love or a fake phony life instead.¡±

    ME: ¡°If you think wanting and doing things to be with you is hurting you, or malice, after all we¡¯ve been through, how can I trust you?¡±

    ME: ¡°You love yourself much more than you love me, if you do anymore at all. If you loved me like you say you do then I think you would¡¯ve at least tried to see me. We¡¯re going to see if I was your life or ¡°everything¡±. We¡¯ll see.¡±

    ME: ¡°I guess I¡¯ll consider everything you¡¯ve ever done to me malice too then. Thanks for that.¡±

    I didn¡¯t send that email to her friends believing she wouldn¡¯t find out about it, but I thought she''d at least view it as coming from a man who loved her. That it was written to defend and protect us both, not just myself. Anya owed the truth to them, especially if they¡¯re giving her advice without knowing all the facts. When she didn¡¯t tell them the truth, I felt like a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest. After all I¡¯ve lost and endured for, Anya needed to be honest about the reasons we were together. Carolyn even advised Anya to work on her marriage over a year ago¡ªwould she feel that way if she knew the truth about Jackson? Anya gave me a ton of gifts but they didn¡¯t mean much if I could never unwrap them. I could see her being upset what I wrote to them, it probably sucked for them to know she kept that from them, but knowing Anya, she¡¯d likely tell them I was lying about Jackson¡¯s philandering.

    ANYA: ¡°We¡¯re not together cuz you broke the trust I had in you. I trusted you. Why don¡¯t you read everything and tell me how many times I purposely hurt you. Do you think after all you¡¯ve done to hurt me that I could even go back to you? You hurt me so bad last week I told you I was cut up and couldn¡¯t move. Did you want praise from me for your hurtful messages? You couldn¡¯t even give me time to recover from your nasty messages? Do you think I had a step by step handbook to fuck up our lives? Do you think this is only my fault? It really doesn¡¯t matter what I say. I had so much to say to you but it doesn¡¯t matter anymore. Even if I were to be single I couldn¡¯t go to you. You¡¯re demonstrating behaviors I just couldn¡¯t trust. I thought maybe, just maybe, but now I know you will continue to hurt me. I still think you¡¯re a noble person and I think you should think about what you¡¯ve done and what you¡¯re doing. Goodbye.¡±

    Why would she think I wanted praise for my hurtful messages? I wanted her to prove me wrong about every single one of them. Instead, her silence verified their validity and reasonableness. Did she believe she was too entitled to be subjected to criticism because she had kids? Did she think her misrepresentations to me shouldn¡¯t have affected me after they destroyed me? After encouraging and allowing me to fall in love with her, she basically believed I had no right to my feelings¡ªshe told me she was married in the beginning. If she wanted to pull out the marriage card, then she should¡¯ve never let me feel so damn much for her. Since she believed she was god¡¯s gift to men, another misrepresentation in the beginning, not being able to help it was supposed to be appreciated¡ªI should¡¯ve felt like the luckiest man on earth making a woman of her great beauty not being able to help falling for me. Unfortunately I¡¯d learn, her narcissism blocked any goodness she may have had from telling herself you don¡¯t love someone, allow them to greatly care for you, then give yourself to someone else. If Anya had not fallen in love with me, then I had no right to feel this way. But I simply trusted her to know what love was, and that it didn¡¯t betray her kids or see herself as a statistic. More than anything, I trusted her not to allow me into a situation just to turn me into a homewrecker. At the very least, since they enabled us to see each other, I expected her to tell Carolyn and Debbie the truth about why I was in her life.

    She may have not liked what she had to hear from me, but she never had to second guess how I felt. She owed me the truth, not to protect me from it¡ªI wasn¡¯t a child of hers. If she wanted me to let her go, and I had no right to fight for love, then tell me the truth about everything. Love wouldn¡¯t have allowed me to feel all the things I did, or to question anything. She demanded I understand her situation or else, but made no effort to understand mine, because if she did, at least a promise would¡¯ve been made. If that wasn¡¯t possible, then the truth why it never did. Instead, she hid behind the fa?ade of her marriage to hurt me and I planned to tear it down so she could never do this kind of thing to another man again. I didn¡¯t want praise for my hurtful messages, but the fact she could sit on them without acknowledging them or apologizing for the reasons why I felt that way, was enough for me to believe she didn¡¯t care how I felt. Anya was a politician and a salesman¡ªjust like her sleazy husband. It¡¯s how she dealt with problems. She left a hook out there, telling me I was a noble person and there was still a chance, but she always told me this to control me. That¡¯s all Anya was about¡ªcontrol. If the relationship wasn¡¯t all about her and on her terms then get lost. My messages were me telling her that I mattered too. That she didn¡¯t get to go around and punish people for the things her husband did. I still loved her. I still cared for her. Those things just wouldn¡¯t change for a long time to come, if ever. I still held hoped she would prove me wrong, but I wasn¡¯t going to deny what my gut told me. I couldn¡¯t ask her to be honest with me then turn around and be dishonest with myself. If she thought I enjoyed any of this I didn¡¯t. It broke my heart to see things the way they really were. I cared about her feelings, but I was so overwhelmed with grief that I couldn¡¯t feel her pain anymore, only my own.

    ME: ¡°Did you read any of my messages at all? I was only reacting to you hurting me. What don¡¯t you get about that? Whether intentional or not, hurt is hurt. I don¡¯t trust you. It¡¯s comical. You¡¯re the one who spins it on its own head. After all we¡¯ve shared you still chose to have sex with a man you told me cheated on you and that you don¡¯t trust, yet you can¡¯t trust me? Then you share the lives of your kids with me and tell me it would hurt them if we were together after I had already fallen for you? WTF? And you can¡¯t trust me? If you would do anything for your kids and you¡¯re this mother who makes sacrifices, the why didn¡¯t you just resolve your anger and work on the marriage instead of making me feel bad for breaking your heart after I walked away from you? You make no sense. Go ask any of the friends I¡¯ve had for over 30 years if they can¡¯t trust me. Here¡¯s the problem. Every day I make a choice to be an honest person in life, and you continue to choose not to. Don¡¯t ever trust me or expect me to lie to anyone or act dishonestly. I did that for you for almost 2 years and all I watched you do is disrespect me by intentionally sitting on the fence the entire time.¡±

    ME: ¡°Outside of your lying, phony, money hungry, using religion to make a buck world, you can trust me with anything. Step into a life of truth first before you accuse me of not being trustworthy. How would you know anything about trust when you¡¯ve never dared to live an honest life?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I guess we¡¯re not hearing each other.¡±

    ME: ¡°I gave you a chance. You misled, used and played me by not making any kind of promise to be with me. It¡¯s simple arithmetic like 1, 2 and 3.¡±

    ME: ¡°If you love me, you¡¯re with me. Not making excuses not to be.¡±

    ME: ¡°You did almost the exact same thing my ex did, but you were in love with me. Go figure.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°What I say doesn¡¯t matter anymore. You don¡¯t hear me. I¡¯m putting my fone away b/c I¡¯m very hurt. Please don¡¯t message me.¡±

    I wanted to be merciful, but all I could see were the politics she played with my heart to get what she needed from me. There was no doubt she had a lot to keep from me. It all felt surreal¡ªlike it wasn¡¯t even happening. I knew this would be our last argument¡ªthere would be no coming back from this. Her love for me only existed on conditions¡ªmore than I already knew.

    ME: ¡°You told me you were cut up and ¡°couldn¡¯t move¡±. How many times did you move to have sex with your husband over the last few days since I sent you the messages? But you would never do anything to purposely hurt me, right?¡±

    ME: ¡°You and him are perfect for each other. You both are dishonest and do nothing but lie. You both care about your image and business more than doing the right thing. You both have worked so hard to burnout your kids so they don¡¯t suspect anything is wrong there so please don¡¯t let me ruin the life you decided for them¡ªplease stay together. Don¡¯t even think about leaving your marriage and go out to meet some other guy who you can blame for hurting you when you mislead him into believing you want to wear his ring too. Please forgive me for ever taking you away from working for him and doing all his side of the parenting. He¡¯s a great provider so unfaithfulness and disrespect doesn¡¯t matter. He¡¯s even worthy of defending to your friends and everyone else you encounter, at least you have respect for them since they add monetary value to your life. Have a good day.¡±

    ME: ¡°When you know something about truth and trust then I¡¯ll listen. You chose to stay with a man you don¡¯t trust¡ªthat sure makes a ton of sense. I promise, you¡¯re going to find out what the truth is and means very soon.¡±

    Anya¡¯s ¡°don¡¯t classify me with the general public¡± statement in regards to divorce, gave me something to grasp¡ªlike she often did with me. It was beyond easy for her to prove me wrong, but just like her intentions to leave, she would never dare to try. Anya used my ignorance to her situation at home to hide the truth from me, but I was now on the cusp of learning all I ever feared¡ªmy worst nightmare.

    ANYA: ¡°Only if your mom, dad, bro and your sister knew what you were doing. But guess what? I would never contact them or FB them cuz you know why? I can¡¯t do that to you.¡±

    I didn¡¯t know what she hid from Carolyn and Debbie, but it had to be pretty significant if my email bothered her that much. I trusted her to be honest with them about the reasons why I chose to be in her life¡ªafter I walked away because she was married. I trusted her not to pretend her and Jackson were happily married after all she told me about him. I trusted her to protect me¡ªnever allowing me to feel anything for her if she was spinning a completely different tale to others. I trusted her to never pursue a relationship with me if the decision to be with me was up to other people, or her perception of the general public. I especially trusted her to never allow Carolyn and Debbie to enable her if the fa?ade of the marriage to them and all those around her was more important than her love for me. I trusted her to never play the ¡°kid¡± card without telling me the truth why she was still married to someone who was grossly unfaithful. She owed me the truth about everything in the beginning, instead she chose to mislead just to feed her ego and to feel alive again because she believed she was entitled to. And if things went wrong, she¡¯d just lean back on her mentally ill husband for help if I failed to fall in line. It became clearly apparent the only reason she told me she was married was because Mitch forced her to show me her ring¡ªshe never volunteered that information on her own. She had no problem omitting all the things I needed to know¡ªthat caused me a tremendous amount of pain. If she loved me that much, enough to hide things from me so I¡¯d give her a chance, then she owed it to me to take it with both hands and never look back.

    ANYA: ¡°There you go with threats again. You can hurt me over and over out of malice. I will never do that to you.¡±

    ME: ¡°I don¡¯t support a marriage that¡¯s ruined a marriage and have hurt two men. Who¡¯s next?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Stop harassing me.¡±

    ME: ¡°Whatever. You¡¯re such a drama queen. When a company pollutes the environment, it is exposed then shutdown.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I¡¯m going to call the police if you don¡¯t stop harassing me.¡±

    It was ridiculous enough she considered this harassment. If this was ¡°harassment¡±, arguing with someone, then we were lost forever as a society¡ªI definitely no longer wanted to be a part of this world. The only person harassed in our relationship was me when she misrepresented her entire situation to deceive me into entering a relationship with her. She harassed me the minute she approached me at Sonomas, if she considered our conversation harassing. She instigated my feelings, and I had a right to defend myself when she refused to.

    When she followed that up with wanting to call the police on me, for arguing and from seeking the truth she felt entitled to deny me, she had completely gone off the rails.

    ME: ¡°Go ahead and tell them. I could care less. I¡¯ll give you their phone number. I¡¯m glad the girls got my emails. You still have some more learning to do though, but like you told me, I hope to God you turn this into a positive thing in your life and not a negative.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I don¡¯t need their numbers I have people!!!¡±

    She had people¡ªJackson¡¯s people. This side of Anya was one I wouldn¡¯t have believed existed¡ªeven as I believed she played me for fool. Her politics were not working for her anymore and since she didn¡¯t want to heed her own heartless advice, she played a card she always had at her disposal. She intentionally hurt my life, allowing and encouraging me to fall in love with her, leaving my heart¡¯s decision in the hands of others instead of her own. After having to seek professional help, and losing a half a million dollar a year career promotion, she now decided to drive the knife through the middle of my chest¡ªas I were a vampire. Her ¡°I have people¡± threat would carry only lies about me¡ªwhile making Jackson look like the victim only angering me even more. I had all the proof in the world Anya never cared about me¡ªshe lied so I¡¯d never lose it, but now, there was no stopping it¡ªI had nothing more to lose.

    ME: ¡°You have people? What does that mean? Go ahead and call the police. I¡¯ll give them your bra to give back to you. That¡¯s all you do is hurt people.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yes I will! You have no grounds! Wow they will tease you for ¡°broken heart¡±. Boo hoo. Now stop being so immature! What is wrong with you? You want to expose your family to all this and hurt more people? People you love? Why? Just give it a rest!¡±

    To say I had ¡°no grounds¡± after all we shared and all I felt for her was like being shot in the face. For her to even suggest that others would tease me about having a ¡°broken heart¡±, and adding a ¡°Boo Hoo¡± for good measure, told me all I needed to know about the woman I tried to save. I always felt she discounted all I ever felt, even trivializing it, but after she poked fun of the pain she caused me and after all I lost believing her broken heart was real¡ªI knew I¡¯d never trust another woman again. This statement was the nail in love¡¯s coffin. Having my broken heart belittled was my reward for caring about hers. Little did I know when we met that she would not only break my heart, but shatter it beyond repair¡ªwithout blinking an eye. This was the very moment, although I still refused to fully accept it, when I learned the girl I loved so much, never truly loved me. I now knew a promise would¡¯ve never been made to me¡ªshe needed to know what love was and she remained as clueless as her husband was¡ªand all of her friends and all the ¡°people¡± she had. Those people must have been the same people that she would¡¯ve allowed to harm me if I did what any normal person who was loved by someone would be allowed to do. They were part of the battlefield she and Jackson had constructed for moments like this¡ªwhen the shit they took on the lives of others who cared about them went sideways. Her words only further confirmed the marine green bridge near my home would be my only salvation from this truly horrific life.

    ME: ¡°That¡¯s the real Anya right there--not caring who she hurts as long as she gets what she wants from people. I say bring them on¡ªbring them all on. The police. All your people too. I¡¯m not ashamed. You think I¡¯m the immature one? Really? Am I married with two kids? Again, you make no sense. Get your people, I want to meet them. I want my voice heard.¡±

    ME: ¡°You know, it¡¯s a sad thing to wake up one day and realize that maybe if I was a doctor or a famous songwriter or musician that I might be worthy of the person who loves me, wanting to be with me. I wanted Debbie and Carolyn to tell you about the emails I sent. I would never ask them to lie or be dishonest to a dear friend or best friend for me. The problem we are having is you met an honest man. If we were together that¡¯s what you would get¡ªall the trust in the world. I don¡¯t think I could ever trust you though, especially if I ever heard the words ¡°just friends¡±. I know for a fact if I hadn¡¯t sent those emails I would¡¯ve never heard back from you this week. Again, you will say anything to get the reaction or actions you want from people. Case in point, ¡°I¡¯ll call the police¡± or ¡°I know people¡±. I¡¯m not out to hurt people--just out to make things right. Yeah, officer we were having an argument, arrest me. I hope one day you truly fall in love with someone so you can understand how it feels when they ignore you. Like you told me, just turn all of this into a positive experience for you. Take care.¡±

    I didn¡¯t hear back from Anya, but didn¡¯t think I would. What else was there left to say after she threatened me with her ¡°people¡±? She took zero responsibility for any of the pain she caused me. Everything she ever hooked me with was a lie, and she only told me she loved me so I would always doubt myself if she hurt me. The night she told me her husband cheated on her, I told her no one who truly loved her would ever dream of jeopardizing losing that person by cheating on them. I wasn¡¯t going to fool myself; I did it well for two years¡ªAnya had betrayed me by staying in her marriage and allowing her kids to make an adult decision. I asked her what I needed to do for her to choose happiness and I did all those things, even being understanding when she need more time. She claimed I was impatient but my heart couldn¡¯t take her sleeping next to Jackson anymore¡ªshe hid things that would have affected my decision to date her. At times I loved her for it and other times I hated her for it. She gave me a clusterfuck of emotions I was ill prepared to handle.

    Sadly, I learned more about Anya¡¯s love and respect for me over the last couple of hours than over the last twenty-two months. How calling the ¡°police¡± could ever enter her mind was beyond outrageous and irrational to me¡ªall because her lies were no longer working on me. If I had threatened her with bodily harm then I could understand her wanting to call the police, but how she considered people learning the truth about her marriage as harassment. If that was harassment, then telling me about it so I would pursue a relationship with her was intentional infliction of emotional distress if she planned to put me in harm¡¯s way by not telling me the truth about her life¡ªthe people she knew and why she was really still wearing Jackson¡¯s ring. It was especially harassing and abusive to love bomb me not because she loved me, but because she believed I would be easier to manipulate¡ªshe knew I¡¯d question my sanity if I questioned her love. She called me her best friend, not because I was, but to further manipulate me into protecting the fa?ade of her marriage¡ªjust like Lance did. Anya was a total politician¡ªthe worst kind and why politics interested her¡ªshe even married one. Playing politics is what she did. She built people up, got them on her team so they would be easier to control. It was a tactic I never saw coming¡ªI believed in her love for me, but she read me the first night we met. She connected with me because she saw my weakness by sharing a weakness she concocted. When I failed to buy it, she called me to make a date to secure she would have me under control until she had no further use for me. I had no idea people, especially mothers, were capable of doing this to others. Anya left me both emotionally unstable and mentally crippled. I didn¡¯t know how to feel¡ªit wasn¡¯t in my blood to feel hatred and contempt for someone I loved so much. I popped four Vicodin pills after she threatened me with ¡°her people¡± to calm myself, as brain shivers hit reminding me of my failed Zoloft experiment. When Anya unexpectedly messaged me again, I knew my heart and mind were about to be skewered.

    ANYA: ¡°They are creeped out by you crossing the line and contacting them. Please put it to rest. I don¡¯t want to play war. I¡¯m not reading your messages so don¡¯t reply.¡±

    ME: ¡°Sounds like to me someone was lying to them.¡±

    ME: ¡°Is there a single authentic honest bone in your body? You have my vote for actress of the year.¡±

    ME: ¡°Since you were so hurt by your husband cheating on your four times, enough to tell me all about it, I want everyone to know your sob story now. Boo Hoo.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I hope you know I¡¯m not reading your messages. You¡¯re the biggest liar I know! They don¡¯t care what you say. They just don¡¯t want to hear from you, creepy guy!¡±

    The biggest liar she knows? Even worse than the husband who cheated on her several times? To add insult to heartbreak, Anya decided to dig the knife in my back even deeper by defending Jackson¨C-intentionally choosing the word ¡°creep¡± the way I used it to describe the man she chose to marry who stalked me on Facebook. When I called him a ¡°creep, it was a test to see how she truly felt about him, and she bit down hard on the hook I put into the word. There was no doubt Anya believed a creep was any man who believed love was realistic¡ªthere was no man creepier than me to her. The man who broke his vows to honor her was not the creep¡ªit was the man who never promised to honor her but did it anyway. The more Anya texted me, the more I learned about her ¡°love¡± for me¡ªthat it only existed in her mind. As if breaking my heart wasn¡¯t bad enough, she hit me with her best shot yet.

    ANYA: ¡°Maybe I should tell your mom and your sis how immoral you are! How many times did I try to tell you it¡¯s not right and I¡¯m hurting my kids! You wouldn¡¯t let me go! I¡¯m married!¡±

    After she had the audacity to send me this message, there would be no return message from me; only a phone call. A phone call she never dared to answer, but I made sure she got the message by leaving one on her voicemail.

    ¡°I am so sorry, Anya.¡± I said, my voice and hand shaking. ¡°I should¡¯ve recognized you were married and said ¡°no¡± when you asked me if you could put your lips on my penis in San Diego. Now, you¡¯re gonna play the ¡°I¡¯m married¡± card after playing ¡°the kids¡± card with me too? Could you please explain how I ever broke your heart? If you remember, a married woman actually had the audacity to tell me I broke her heart¡ªimagine that. I knew you wouldn¡¯t answer the phone¡ªyou¡¯re a coward. How dare you tell me ¡°I¡¯m married¡± and ¡°immoral¡± after allowing and encouraging me to fall deeply in love with you! How dare you!¡±

    Anya¡¯s message claiming ¡°I¡¯m married¡±, left me beyond livid with her. It was a good idea she didn¡¯t pick up the phone¡ªI would¡¯ve lit into her for telling me that. She went from claiming ¡°harassment¡± to threatening to call ¡°the police¡± to ¡°I¡¯m married¡± told me more than I wanted to know about her. To find out not only did she lie to me, but learning she didn¡¯t love me too was beyond horrific. This day was no different than the moment a seven-mile-wide meteor slammed into the Yucatan Peninsula 66 million years ago¡ªmy life was over. For Anya to say ¡°I¡¯m married¡± was the most disgusting thing I¡¯ve ever read from her. Whoever sent me that message, couldn¡¯t have been Anya¡ªI had no idea who this person was¡ªin fact, I never knew her at all. This was the moment Anya had become a Sith lord. She was officially gone from my life forever. She took no responsibility for anything, love bombing me with the hope I¡¯d take the blame for everything when things didn¡¯t work out. She only shared the lives of her kids with me not to make me feel special or to have me know them one day, but to protect them. To always leave me second guessing myself, even when I was right about why a promise never came my way. She conveniently forgot, that I left her because she was married¡ªbut she found it more important to blame me for breaking her heart instead of telling me I did the right thing. Anya¡¯s goal from day one was to destroy me¡ªby recklessly loving me without knowing what love was. If trouble arose, after realizing she used me, she would just summon the people she knew and conspire against me with her husband¡ªrelying on his power and influence to harm me. Love never mattered to Anya, and her husband¡¯s infidelities never mattered as well¡ªshe could live her life as a single or married person if she wanted to. At this point in time, I couldn¡¯t even defend Anya as being a good person¡ªshe was no better than Jackson. What was even tougher was learning that she was made more for him than she was for me. Little did I know, the complete annihilation of my life, for the crime of caring for someone¡¯s happiness more than my own, was about to take place when she returned my call.

    ¡°Please be my friend.¡± she cried. ¡°I beg you.¡±

    ¡°Everything in your life that was in place when we met, are still in place today.¡± I replied with a raspy voice and a trembling hand. ¡°After all we¡¯ve shared, you¡¯re relegating me to the friend zone? I couldn¡¯t be your friend¡ªI¡¯d be disingenuous because I¡¯d always want more. I wouldn¡¯t make a good friend. This is just a bunch of politics you¡¯re playing here at this point. We¡¯re not on the same page anymore, and it seems like we never were.¡±

    ¡°Politics?¡± she responded incredulously. ¡°Is that what you think this is? I was just telling Carolyn about my ashes last week.¡±

    ¡°You know I wanted you, Anya. Not your ashes.¡± I replied. ¡°Don¡¯t confuse your kids.¡±

    ¡°He would never allow it to happen.¡± she blurted.

    ¡°He would never allow what? He¡¯d never allow what to happen?¡± I asked, my voice trembling. ¡°He controls you? Are you his possession? What kind of power does he have if he¡¯s cheated on you multiples times for sex? You¡¯re in love with me, right? What could be more powerful than your love for me?¡±

    I could tell she spoke to herself in silence, and I couldn¡¯t stop; so unsettled by another significant thing that she should¡¯ve been honest about in the very beginning. That not only would she need permission from her kids to be with the man she loved, but her philandering husband¡¯s as well.

    ¡°If he would never allow us to happen, then the day he knew or suspected about us¡ªthe day he stalked me on Facebook was the day that ended us? Is that why you¡¯re way ahead of me in the grieving process? You knew what I didn¡¯t? I don¡¯t get this at all. What power does he have over you choosing to be with me at all? Shouldn¡¯t he respect your wishes like I have to?¡±

    ¡°He won¡¯t allow it to happen. I know him.¡± she said. ¡°He wouldn¡¯t allow it.¡±

    Anya¡¯s didn¡¯t seem to know men¡ªespecially men in love. She didn¡¯t seem to understand telling another man that another man wouldn¡¯t allow something was akin to a declaration of war. When I told her I¡¯d take a bullet for her, I meant it. I planned to kill myself at this point anyway if I lost her, so taking Jackson with me now appeared to be an option.

    ¡°Sounds like women don¡¯t change their minds after all, do they Anya?¡± I retorted. ¡°I¡¯ll tell you what, why don¡¯t you go to Jackson and beg for his friendship and see how well that goes with him? Out of all the men out there, that would¡¯ve just wanted a piece of ass and not given you pressure, why did you choose me? Do you really think I want to be with you now after all the things you¡¯ve hidden from me when we first met? Why didn¡¯t you just work on your marriage if you¡¯d sacrifice anything for your kids? If he wouldn¡¯t allow you to be with me, then why the fuck did you lead me to believe you had the power to make the decision to be with me? It seems like you¡¯re more willing to fuck over good people in this world instead of resolving your anger. Essentially, you took the anger reserved for the creep you married out on me. I wish I could be your friend, but you made me your lover. I¡¯ve never felt more used in my life.¡±

    ¡°I know you don¡¯t want to be with me anymore, but I had so many things I want to tell you¡± She cried. ¡°I beg you to reconsider a friendship.¡±

    This was another one of those moments in a lifetime I wish I could¡¯ve grasped. One of those moments when I met her in San Francisco that may alter the course of my history. The problem was, I was so distraught with emotions, I could no longer seize it and would always wonder that those many things she had to say were. I just couldn¡¯t see past the next massively corrupt act she planned to commit against my belief in love.Love this story? Find the genuine version on the author''s preferred platform and support their work!

    ¡°I can¡¯t do it.¡± I replied, giving her a taste of her own medicine. ¡°I¡¯ve come too far to feel so much, and still unable to get a promise from you. For some reason, after two years with a man who lost everything for you, you still had the audacity to equate doing the right thing by leaving your marriage to hurting your kids. I wish I could turn off these feelings and be your friend, but you betrayed me, Anya. You¡¯ve played a wicked game with my emotions¡ªeven admonishing me for feeling them. I found out today you¡¯re no better than your husband, and astonishingly, you may be even worse. You guys are perfect for each other. In fact, I think I owe him an apology. She¡¯s all yours.¡±

    ¡°I have to go, Landyn.¡± she replied, seemingly ignoring my words. ¡°I don¡¯t understand why you feel you need to tell him anything if I¡¯m going to stay. Do what you must. I will always love you.¡±

    ¡°I plan on it.¡± I told her. ¡°And there¡¯s only one person who will always love someone here, and that person is me. Good bye.¡±

    When I hung up the phone, I knew what I had to do next¡ªconfront the man who would never allow it. The man she planned to, if not already, conspire against me with. Still, her kids came into my head, likely the only reason why she ever told me about them¡ªshe knew she intentionally misrepresented her situation to me. If I felt betrayed by it, I¡¯d have second thoughts of hurting her kids if she shared their lives with me. Katie and Andrew were the only two reasons why I hesitated confronting Jackson¡ªI knew it wouldn¡¯t end well for him and for me. I didn¡¯t want to be known as the man who killed or hurt their father. If cancer didn¡¯t kill my mom, her son intentionally killing another man would¡ªshe didn¡¯t raise that kind of man. Sure, I struggled with my belief in God, but she instilled enough of Him in me to worry about breaking the most damning of the ten commandments. On the other hand, maybe it would teach their kids a valuable lesson¡ªone their parents could never teach them? To live an honest life and to stay faithful to your spouse.

    Anya suddenly morphed into a woman who protected her marriage¡ªsecuring the nail in the chance of ever being friends coffin. If she was so proud of her marriage and about the ring on her finger, she misrepresented her entire situation to me just for fun. To learn Anya was not the honest genuine person I thought she wanted to be just wrecked me beyond all understanding. Like the business owner she was, she sold me on her sorrow, and after I bought it, she raised the daily price on me¡ªa cost she knew I would struggle to afford. She infected me by selling me that she believed in our love, manifesting it into the worst of all addictions, then leaving me to suffer the most acute withdrawal symptoms imaginable all alone.

    After we got off the phone, she tried vehemently to save our friendship, but my decision was already made¡ªthis relationship was now on my terms too.

    ANYA: ¡°U ok? I¡¯m glad we talked. I think you¡¯re right that I should tell him. The girls are pissed that I¡¯m being forced. Maybe it will help my marriage.¡±

    After she hit me with the reason why I walked away from her at the bar, I once again emptied the contents of my stomach into the toilet. If working on her marriage was ever on the table, she truly betrayed me. If she ever loved me, our relationship should¡¯ve only proven after the first one she had, that her marriage was the problem¡ªthat feeding cancer with more cancer was never a good idea. To read half the things I did today from her, made me feel as if I had been in bed with the devil the entire time. And just like that, after nearly two years of the greatest love I¡¯d ever known, Anya¡¯s beauty committed suicide.

    ANYA: ¡°I know he will blow up but I don¡¯t think I have a choice.¡±

    After reading this, I now knew she had no real thoughts of ever telling her husband about us¡ªshe feared him too much than to ever do the right thing. It almost seemed as if he had never cheated on her at all. The more Anya texted me, the more my fate was sealed.

    ANYA: ¡°I really wanted us to be friends forever. Wouldn¡¯t it be great if one day we could have lunch as friends and just laugh? No more hatred and anger?¡±

    I wanted to hear ¡°wouldn¡¯t be great if we were married one day¡± not if we could have lunch as ¡°friends¡±. I wanted to hear she wanted to wear my ring¡ªI could¡¯ve been a friend if I wasn¡¯t lied to about her life in the beginning. The last thing Anya appeared to be was a friend of any kind. As long as I remained a secret, I was a special man, but without that, she had more respect for a pile of shit. The truth was that without her marriage, she would¡¯ve chosen another man, not me¡ªthat was the reality of the situation. Her messages were sweet if we had never shared a thing together, but after reading this, she couldn¡¯t have truly been in love with me¡ªonly in love with herself. To send me a text like this after all we¡¯ve shared only proved to me that she was never a friend. No friend would ever allow someone to love them deeply knowing they would end up hurting them badly in the end. She knew the entire time that she was going to intentionally break my heart because the decisions she led me to believe would be made by her would not be her decisions to make. At this point, it seemed even Katie was more mature than she was.

    ANYA: ¡°I apologize from the bottom of my heart for all the pain I¡¯ve caused you. I never meant to hurt you. It¡¯s me. I¡¯m sorry.¡±

    Anya only said and did things that served herself, or some other hidden purpose. She had morphed from a sweet angel into the darkest of all demons. I had to go through an entire meltdown in order for an apology I deserved long ago to reach me¡ªanother shining example of her politics. And maybe she didn¡¯t intend to hurt me, but she took me on a ride that she knew led to nowhere. She did try to tell me, but she had already made the mistake of allowing and encouraging me to fall deeply in love with her. Men in love were going to fight for the women they loved¡ªespecially believing they felt the same for them. She could question my manhood, but she had to understand I was the only real man she had ever known¡ªI¡¯d never dream of cheating on her or making her feel guilty about breaking up a family after I wronged her like her husband did.

    If she planned to stay in her marriage, after all she put me through with her misrepresentations, it would be under the light of the truth and no longer under a cloud of deception. She could stay in her marriage, but the fa?ade was coming down. Since her love only led me into a lion¡¯s den, without nothing to lose, I had to protect myself at all costs. While I fought to be with her, she fought to keep her secret alive. For a woman to tell me she loved me forever to take such a dramatic turn forced me into survival mode. What she saw as malice, I saw as justice. To allow and encourage someone to fall deeply in love with her, knowing the decision to be with me would be in the hands of people who would never allow it, was where the true malice lied. All I wanted from her was the truth¡ªto let me know she had no plans to join the general public and becoming a divorce statistic. She should¡¯ve defended her wonderful husband in the beginning so I could¡¯ve been on my merry way instead of clandestinely recruiting me to be a part of the fa?ade and for marriage support. Without a doubt, Anya had misled me the entire way, using something I always believed in that she never did, love, to manipulate my actions. Anya was nothing more than a desperate housewife¡ªwho had her sex life altered because of kids and stress¡ªlike any other marriage did. Without ever being married, she pounced on my naivety and knowingly used me to fill the void her bedroom wouldn¡¯t allow the room for. Her only care wasn¡¯t feeling love again, but feeling pleasure again. When the plan backfired on her, and I started to make my own conclusions, she ran¡ªjust like she did the night I asked her if she still slept with her husband¡ªshe knew she planned to betray me. Anya didn¡¯t want to be my friend, she wanted to control me from ratting her out when I learned the truth. By wanting to be ¡°friends forever¡± she tried to keep the relationship on her terms¡ªand out of fear not love. What Anya called love was really just damage control¡ªand that burned me as much as anything. The same woman who wanted to wear my ring, who loved me more than ever just two months ago now wanted to be ¡°friends forever¡±¡ª the price I paid for showing kindness, compassion and understanding.

    I would be single for a very long time after this. I would never love anyone, the way one should love someone, ever again. She took my belief in love with her. She had no right to ever tell me she hoped, wished and dreamt of being with me if she would follow her husband¡¯s orders and never allow herself to be in my arms. When she told me he wouldn¡¯t have allowed her to be with me, it only confirmed whatever she felt for me wasn¡¯t strong enough to be love. If I didn¡¯t feel so betrayed by it all¡ªI would¡¯ve just walked away. Why would she ask me to fight for her knowing she¡¯d leave the decision to be with me in the hands of her husband and kids who would never allow it? Who did this kind of thing to people?

    Since Anya left me to die, the only thing I had for protection was the truth. I warned Anya from the very beginning that I was a different kind of man. I wasn¡¯t perfect by any means, but I believed in love¡ªknowing through heartbreak what it was and what it wasn¡¯t. Yes, I¡¯m ¡°boo hoo¡± ing over a broken heart, but that was because she broke my soul too. Her rationale for ¡°loving¡± me was that she ¡°couldn¡¯t help it¡± she¡¯d tell me. If she expected me to understand that¡¯s all it was then she shouldn¡¯t have a problem understanding how I couldn¡¯t help it now either. Of course, she¡¯d twist that and accuse me of using her words against her, but it¡¯s in essence the same thing¡ªI didn¡¯t appreciate her not helping it if she planned to break my heart and she clearly did from day one¡ªthat¡¯s why she tried to let me go. The problem was with her forward-thinking strategy was that she allowed and encouraged me to fall deeply in love with her knowing the decision would never be hers to make¡ªthat our hopes had to end if Jackson were to ever learn of it. After I walked away from her because of this fear¡ªshe still allowed and encouraged me to fall deeply in love with her¡ªI just couldn¡¯t believe she would do something like that to anyone, especially me. That¡¯s the kind of thing you do to someone who has wronged you in life, but she decided to punish me for Jackson¡¯s multiple transgressions.

    Anya could¡¯ve trust me with any secret she had, but not the one she used to judge me for having emotions after learning she didn¡¯t tell me the truth at the very beginning of our relationship. She had the type of marriage that full disclosure was necessary to anyone she allowed and encouraged into her life the manner in which I was. I shouldn¡¯t have had to ask about her still sleeping with her husband, she should¡¯ve disclosed that in the beginning, especially knowing she would follow his marching orders and never leave him. Passing a test only 17% of people passed the first time they took it wasn¡¯t even nearly as hard as messaging Anya all the things I did¡ªknowing all I ever believed in was on the line just to learn that she only loved herself. After all the bed ridden days and nights imagining the worst-case scenarios while she socialized to protect the fa?ade of her marriage, she referred to me as the ¡°creepy guy¡± in defense of the true creep she married and had kids with. All to protect a marriage she claimed did not exist¡ªa marriage that should be stricken from the record.

    I wasn¡¯t the type to go after people, but I was the type to defend myself¡ªI¡¯d take my own life before harming anyone¡ªeven those who purposely harmed me. After I gave her the same silent treatment she gave me that inspired my email to Carolyn and Debbie, I prepared myself for her next betrayal. She had already played several cards and when the next day arrived, I knew she would do all she could to protect her lies¡ªconspiring with the man who dishonored her several times for the man who did all he could to honor her just to be betrayed.

    I know her kids mattered to her, and I respected that. I truly put them above me in all aspects, but Anya couldn¡¯t continue to give people tragic endings. Here was an opportunity to teach her kids one of the greatest lessons they could ever learn in life but doing the right thing was never on her agenda.

    Her madness started with a text she sent to me at eight forty-six in the morning, coincidentally, the same time I was born but in the evening. Little did I know it marked the beginning of the end of my life.

    ANYA: ¡°It got really ugly. I¡¯m really scared. Our neighbor, a police official was notified and given all your information. Our lawyer was notified for stalking and harassment.¡±

    On the morning of October 6<sup>th</sup>, 2009, if I had any lingering doubts if I was betrayed or not, her text eliminated all of them. The woman who less than two months ago told me ¡°I love you more than ever¡±, now showed me what those words truly meant to her. When I read ¡°our¡± in reference to her neighbor and lawyer, I had never been so mad at another human being. The woman who I trusted to be honest turned out to be the most dishonest person I¡¯d ever come to know. A woman who shared the lives of her children with me, even inviting me to her daughter¡¯s recital, who I was there for anytime she needed me, who I lost a career job for fighting for, who I became clinically depressed over, using Zoloft and Vicodin to cope with all the pain, went for the kill after she had already shot me in the face with all she told me the day earlier.

    ME: ¡°Please explain. I don¡¯t understand why.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Anybody who knows (friends and family) will be brought into report. The girls were forced to produce a hard copy of fb last night.¡±

    ME: ¡°Report? Report what? Did you tell him about us?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Anything that is sent from you will be turned over to the official for recording then over to the lawyer. They will trace everything.¡±

    ME: ¡°Did you tell him?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yes I had to. They are installing a chip in my fone this afternoon. Landyn, I¡¯m so scared. Idk what to do. They are out for blood. I was so scared. I haven¡¯t slept. I¡¯m a mess.¡±

    ME: ¡°Out for blood? What r u talking about? I¡¯m lost. What did you say to him? What happened? Just fill me in. Thanks.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°My body is shaking so badly. I can¡¯t stop. My kids¡­¡±

    What did she tell Jackson? Did she tell him she was in love with me? If she did, what would it be necessary to install a chip in her phone? What would be sent to their lawyer and what would be recorded and traced? The fact that I wanted her to be honest with him about her love for me? To be honest with their kids? Or did she tell him something completely different like he plans to tell the kids about us? That I was going after their kids? The last thing I would ever do.

    ME: ¡°So you told him you¡¯re in love with me?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Yes. Doesn¡¯t matter. He said you could tell him we slept together every day for 2 years and it wouldn¡¯t matter. Going after everything. Computer guy is here.¡±

    He would be just fine with her being in love with me after having a sexual relationship with me? Something seemed out of place here. Going after everything? How could I be stalking and harassing someone who was in love with me? None of this made sense¡ªshe lied to him about me and about us. When I thought she had already did the worst thing possible to another human being, she topped herself.

    ME: ¡°R u kidding? This is my moment to shine! This is the best news I¡¯ve ever gotten!

    ANYA: ¡°Be careful. I need to say goodbye. I wish you and your family well. I¡¯m sorry.¡±

    She may have told him that she loved me, but it seemed to come with a disclaimer¡ªhe plans to tell the kids about us. This was the only logical explanation how ¡°stalking and harassment¡± could ever be considered¡ªthe first case of its kind that a woman who loved a man claimed he was stalking and harassing her. Anya went shining on me when she decided to lie to her husband about reaching out to her kids about us¡ªthe greatest lie ever told by the greatest liar on the planet earth,

    ME: ¡°I¡¯ll be sure to keep them busy. I would hate to see all this time and effort wasted.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°I have to forward everything. Sorry.¡±

    Anya was just as sorry as a crocodile who teared up while eating its prey. For twenty two months, that¡¯s all she ever communicated to me through¡ªthe tears of a crocodile.

    ME: ¡°Should I forward the stuff you gave me too?¡±

    ME: ¡°Tell his lawyer and the cop official to contact me so I can give them a detailed report.¡±

    ME: ¡°Nothing I wrote was untrue. I¡¯m safe unless you lied to me.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°You can but it will only be recorded and traced and used for the case building. Harassment. I¡¯m only trying to protect you. You have to go now.¡±

    Well, at least she acknowledged this case she was attempting to build didn¡¯t include stalking. The last thing Anya ever did was anything to protect or defend me, but she went out of her way to defend and protect herself. And if I ever felt she protected, defended or vouched for me, we wouldn¡¯t have been where we were now. If all of what she just told me was true, she couldn¡¯t care less about me.

    ME: ¡°Could you also send a copy of the police report? I have proof this was with consent.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°You better stop. I asked you to stop harassing and the more you do, the more it¡¯s being recorded.¡±

    ME: ¡°For the first time in history, when someone is called out for lying it¡¯s somehow called harassment. Your sense of entitlement is now legendary. I really don¡¯t care. I¡¯m only armed with the truth. I¡¯m harmless and you all know it.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°But they don¡¯t care. That¡¯s what I¡¯m trying to tell you. I¡¯m so shaking.¡±

    ME: ¡°I want to meet my accuser face to face. Please arrange it¡ªI want to meet these people.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Believe me you don¡¯t¡±

    ME: ¡°It sounds like you¡¯re used to being ¡°harassed¡± for this option to even be on the table for you. They probably have your names on file at the police station. I¡¯m sure all I have to do is present prior history and they will know I¡¯m dealing with 2 nutcases.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Just let me go. This is what I want.¡±

    ME: ¡°Then I want to seek closure. That¡¯s what I want. It¡¯s not just about you anymore. You should¡¯ve told me half the things I learned yesterday the night we met.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°You better stop. Come this afternoon I don¡¯t need to forward your messages.¡±

    ME: ¡°Is that chip installed yet so I can send them all of the things you¡¯ve texted me over the last two years?¡±

    ME: ¡°You and the girls really need to come up with a better scheme than this. Not fooled.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m sure this is what you told him¡ªI fell in love with him but I¡¯m not in love with him anymore and when I wanted him to let me go because I was afraid it would hurt my kids, he wouldn¡¯t let me. I told him I was married. That is such a lie. You call that love? Do you have the slightest idea what love is? I thought you grew and learned? You really had me fooled.¡±

    ME: ¡°Texting someone is not stalking or harassment. Sorry.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m going to make sure, and I surely hope this is recorded, what kind of people you and him are. I¡¯m going to expose the truth about both of you and our love. Guess what Caiaphas legal team? Guess what neighbor? It¡¯s all true! I¡¯m untouchable! Can¡¯t get in trouble for the truth. ??¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Just want you to know I¡¯ve not been reading your texts. Been just forwarding. Going on record again, please stop texting and harassing me.¡±

    For twenty-two months I trusted in her sadness and this was how she rewarded my compassion and empathy for her. All those nights she went to social gatherings leaving her children behind most of the time, while I endured lonely nights at home believing her hopes, wishes and dreams were real¡ªthis was what she believed I deserved. That fighting for her, something she asked of me, would be perceived as harassment and stalking in the end. Anya reserved the right to change her mind, but she had no right to exercise it to execute me. If this was another tragic ending, I was going to make sure it would be the last one she ever gave to someone.

    ME: ¡°Great! I have some more for you to forward but something tells me I doubt you will. If they are recording why do you have to forward anything?¡±

    ME: ¡°I am going to make a formal request for the plaintiffs to please provide me with the names of the couple whose marriage Jackson destroyed. I would like the name of the gentleman who Anya was previously engaged to that had to leave the state when she broke his heart. I would also like the name of Anya¡¯s supposed ¡°stalker¡± so I may contact him as well and to use as witnesses to the kind of person who is making these claims against me. I would also like to talk to Mr. Lance Palace to see how he feels too. Also, I would like to request the names of all the people who have been affected by Anya¡¯s marriage. This is my official request and under law you are to provide me with this information so these individuals may be contacted and deposed or subpoenaed. Karma is a beautiful thing.¡±

    ME: ¡°I also want the ¡°officials¡± who are out for blood to please know Jackson Caiaphas has cheated on his wife four times per Anya. Thanks!¡±

    ME: ¡°You forwarding these I hope? I want these texts received by my ¡°accuser¡± on record. Thanks!¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Fourth time. Please stop texting me and harassing me.¡±

    ME: ¡°You told me you¡¯re not reading them and just forwarding them so how can you be affected by something you¡¯re not even reading?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Fifth time. Please stop texting me and harassing me.¡±

    ME: ¡°Get ready for a lot more texts to forward on over. And don¡¯t pretend to be scared or tell me that you¡¯re shaking in your boots over there. You cheated on your ¡°husband¡± for two years so that¡¯s really good proof you¡¯re not afraid of much. Here are some of the texts you¡¯ve harassed me with over the last twenty-two months that allowed and encouraged me to be in the position I¡¯m in right now. Please forward.¡±

    ME: ¡°¡°I don¡¯t want you to leave me.¡±¡±

    ME: ¡°¡°Thanks for hanging!¡±¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Sixth time. Please stop texting me and harassing me.¡±

    ME: ¡°¡°I believe in our love.¡±¡±

    ME: ¡°¡°I don¡¯t want to do anything you don¡¯t want to do. I dream about being with you.¡±¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Seventh time. Please don¡¯t text me or harass me.¡±

    ME: ¡°¡°Thank you for being in my life. You always make me feel special. I love you.¡±¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Eighth time. Please don¡¯t contact me, text me, and harass me.¡±

    ME: ¡°¡°I¡¯m flattered! I¡¯m flattered you met with me just to see me knowing I couldn¡¯t kiss you. You¡¯re meeting me on Thursday just to see me without motive. You¡¯ve shown me you care. Thanks!¡±¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Ninth time. Please stop contacting, texting and harassing me.¡±

    ME: ¡°¡°I could say I love you all day long just wish I could announce it to the world.¡±¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Tenth time. Please stop contacting me, texting me, harassing me.¡±

    ME: ¡°¡°Yes, you¡¯re right. I¡¯m surrounded by love everyday so I won¡¯t cry you a river about how complicated my life is. But I long for our love.¡±¡±

    ME: ¡°¡°Do you have to work tomorrow? If not, can I come and see you for an hour?¡±¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Eleventh time. Please stop contacting me, texting me, harassing me.¡±

    ME: ¡°¡°I wish I was at ¡°home¡± waiting for you. Have a goodnight baby. I love you.¡±¡±

    ME: ¡°¡°I would rather die than never have you in my life.¡±¡±

    ME: ¡°I guess I¡¯m harassing you with your own words. I hope you know I¡¯m just submitting evidence since you¡¯re forwarding it to the authorities.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Twelfth time. Please stop contacting me, texting me, and harassing me.¡±

    ME: ¡°The true harassment lies in your texts to me. They should show how much you played with someone¡¯s feelings. If anything, you should be arrested for harassment and stalking¡ªyou never had my consent to lie to me.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Thirteenth time. Please stop contacting, texting, harassing me.¡±

    ME: ¡°I never threatened you with any harm other than to tell him the truth about us since you did nothing to defend or protect me. So, I had to protect and defend myself. That¡¯s not harassment. It¡¯s called self-defense and serves a legitimate purpose¡ªyou¡¯ve put me in harm¡¯s way by allowing and encouraging me to fall deeply in love with you when you left the decision to be with me in the hands of your husband and children.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Fourteenth time. Please stop contacting me, texting me, harassing me.¡±

    ME: ¡°I have contacted my family and friends and they are all on my side. Just further evidence. My people are ready.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Fifteenth time. Please stop contacting me, texting me, and harassing me.¡±

    ME: ¡°I also just contacted child protective services. I wanted to make sure the kids are ok there. I don¡¯t trust the metal states of their parents who run around cheating on each other. I think they are hurting the kids.¡±

    Of course, I didn¡¯t contact child services or my family and friends¡ªI just wanted to use the same tactics she used on me. With each message she sent, counting the times I contacted her, it only proved Anya accepted no responsibility for anything she ever did.

    ANYA: ¡°Sixteenth time. Please stop contacting me, texting, and harassing me.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯ve never threatened you with bodily harm. I¡¯ve never called you names. Never raised my voice in anger. I¡¯ve never followed or stalked you. I would never do any of these things. What grounds do you have? Why keep building a case you know you don¡¯t have? I have nothing to lose anymore but you do. Your reputation and image will now be in the spotlight for all to see. This is the dumbest move you and him could ever make. The power lies in the truth about your marriage, not in your lies about me.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Seventeenth time. Please stop contacting me, texting me, and harassing me.¡±

    ME: ¡°Isn¡¯t contacting and texting the same thing? Ok, whatever. This is now the seventeenth time you¡¯ve responded to my text. Please stop contacting, texting and harassing me. Thank you in advance for your cooperation.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Eighteenth time. Please stop contacting me, texting me, and harassing me.¡±

    ME: ¡°I didn¡¯t call child protective services. Just wanted you to know. I would never do that to you or them. Sorry for telling you that.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Nineteenth time. Please stop contacting me, texting me, and harassing me.¡±

    ME: ¡°All I ever wanted was to be with the one I love¡ªthe one who claimed she loves me too. Shouldn¡¯t have been too much to ask for. It¡¯s my only fault. Goodbye.¡±

    As my life unraveled before my very eyes, I decided to go for a drive to get what just happened off of my mind. I didn¡¯t know if she was serious or not, but I needed to take a step back regardless. This wasn¡¯t all Anya¡¯s fault¡ªit was my fault for believing in something I knew I had no business believing in; love. After all my failures with women, I somehow found it in me to trust one I should¡¯ve been beyond skeptical about. All the signs were there from the start too, even warned by a friend that she was a dishonest person, yet ignored all reason choosing to focus on her pain instead¡ªa brokenness similar to mine. I thought her love would blind me to my own personal anguish enough to focus on hers, but her love was one for self, and not for me. I often time saw how women made bad choices in men by turning a blind eye toward their character if it brought them money and popularity. Anya pretended to be different, but she wasn¡¯t. She even shared how much she respected men. She hurt someone who she was engaged to so badly, he felt compelled to leave the state. She then broke Lance¡¯s heart, even referring to the ending of their relationship as ¡°tragic¡±. Now, I guess it was my turn in line. To watch her choose me for heartbreak after having enough of them in my life left me more damaged than any one that fell before me. She first lovebombed then gaslighted me, and if that wasn¡¯t a form of emotional abuse, I didn¡¯t know what was. I still opted to blame Jackson for the monster he created in her, then again, it was her inability to cope with the rage within that broke the hearts of other men. What happened earlier however was only the tip of the iceberg¡ªthere existed much more peril below than what I could¡¯ve ever imagined. By trusting Anya¡¯s love for me, I had awakened the demons inside both her and Jackson. Anya was part of the group who were now out for blood because she believed being in love with a man who honored and respected her was an act of betraying her kids. She told me one time ¡°In God¡¯s name, I love you¡± but I was on the verge of learning God had nothing to do with our love.

    The only place I could think of going during this great time of emotional despair was my mother¡¯s house. On my way there, I got a call from an unknown number I believed to be my mother---she hid her caller ID from people she called from the house.

    ¡°Hey Mom.¡± I answered.

    ¡°Is this Landyn Lastman?¡± asked a husky voice.

    ¡°Yes, it is.¡±

    ¡°This is officer Doug McNulty calling on behalf of Mrs. Anya Caiaphas.¡± he stated. ¡°She wants you to leave her alone and to stop contacting her, texting her and harassing her.¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t know what she¡¯s told you, but I¡¯m sure it¡¯s not the truth.¡± I replied. ¡°I¡¯ve been in a relationship with her for the last two years¡ªyou can¡¯t deny me my right to self defense and to an emotional response¡ªI¡¯ve never threatened her with violence.¡±

    ¡°Just leave her alone, Buddy. She wants nothing to do with you.¡± He scolded, adding fuel to an already burning fire.

    ¡°She claims she¡¯s not even reading my texts and just forwarding them so how is she affected by them?¡± I retorted angrily. ¡°Tell her to just delete them like she always does¡ªshe¡¯s the one harassing me.¡±

    ¡°If you don¡¯t stop, you will be arrested.¡±

    ¡°What¡¯s your badge number, Officer?¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re not entitled to that information¡ªyou¡¯ve been warned.¡± He countered. ¡°If you contact her again, a restraining order will be filed against you. You will be arrested and you will go to jail.¡±

    ¡°She is in no harm and she knows it. What¡¯s your name, Officer? I¡¯d like to call the station for verification¡± I asked again. ¡°You¡¯re violating my constitutional rights.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯ve been warned.¡± he said before hanging up on me.

    After I received the call, I immediately pulled over and texted Anya.

    ME: ¡°Ok Anya, your cop friend made a huge mistake. I¡¯m heading to the courthouse right now to file restraining orders against you and your husband, including your cop friend for contacting me off duty. Do you want to keep playing this game or not?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Twentieth time. Please stop contacting me, texting me, and harassing me.¡±

    After talking to what was likely a retired police officer who lived in their neighborhood, it seemed Jackson was trying to scare me into giving up. I wasn¡¯t fully convinced Anya was behind any of this. She wouldn¡¯t call the cops on me and was just playing along. She told me her husband would come after me if he knew¡ªthe time arrived to take it to him. If Anya wasn¡¯t reading my texts and just forwarding them, then she likely forwarded them to Jackson. I then decided to tailor my messages for his reading pleasure.

    ME: ¡°I don¡¯t think there¡¯s any stopping the harassment charges now. This man cheats on the mother of his two children four times, hurting her so bad she fell out of love with him and in love with someone else who respected her feelings, who was always there for her and who he threatens with harassment and stalking charges. What have I done wrong but be there for someone in need¡ªwho wanted to feel like they were truly loved? Whatever is coming down upon me are only ridiculous charges for taking care of someone¡¯s heart and making her happy. She came to me¡ªI¡¯m embedded in her heart forever. It doesn¡¯t matter what you or anyone does to me. When she is with you, she wishes she was with me. She¡¯s forever unhappy¡ªhappy? Is that what a marriage is nowadays? Imprisonment? Are women bought and treated like possessions? Whatever goes down, it doesn¡¯t matter¡ªI won. I¡¯m in her heart forever no matter what.¡±

    ME: ¡°Hey you got me for harassment! Congrats! No matter what she tells you, she will always love me. Always. I could care less what comes down on my head. I believe in our love. She¡¯ll find her way back to me one day.¡±

    ME: ¡°She knows what love and beauty is now and it¡¯s all because of me¡ªLandyn Lastman. Always remember that, Jackson. You may win the harassment case, on a legal technicality, but I have her heart. Good luck.¡±

    Twenty minutes after I sent these texts, I pulled away from my impromptu parking spot and soon found myself in front of my mother in her room. Feeling frantically uneasy, as if a limb had just been severed from my body. I tried to give her the impression everything was fine. The problem was, she knew the man who stood before her was not the same man she knew over the last two years.

    ¡°What¡¯s wrong?¡± she wondered, her hazel eyes looking into mine from behind her reading glasses.

    ¡°Nothing.¡± I replied noticing the few strands of gray hairs she had remaining on her head. ¡°I¡¯m fine.¡±

    ¡°How¡¯s Anya?¡±

    ¡°She¡¯s ok¡­she¡¯s good.¡±

    ¡°Is something troubling you, Landy?¡±

    ¡°What makes you think that?¡± I snapped.

    ¡°Because I haven¡¯t seen you around much the last few months.¡±

    ¡°Been busy tryin¡¯ to find work, that¡¯s all.¡± I replied, digging my hands deep into my jean pockets. ¡°We¡¯re in a recession right now, you know.¡±

    ¡°How are you and Anya?¡± she fished.

    ¡°We¡¯ve had better days.¡± I broke.

    ¡°What do you mean?¡±

    ¡°You tell me.¡± I said, selecting one her messages and handing my phone over to her.

    ¡°Who¡¯s sending you this stuff?¡± she wondered, a look of confusion breaking upon her face.

    ¡°Anya.¡±

    ¡°It sounds like she¡¯s breaking up with you?¡±

    ¡°Yeah, well.¡± I said, unable to look at her. ¡°I don¡¯t know.¡±

    ¡°She loves you, right? Why would she do this?¡±

    ¡°We¡¯ve been struggling lately and she¡¯s afraid I¡¯m going to tell her husband about our relationship.¡± I told her.

    ¡°Are you?¡±

    ¡°Of course not, but I gave her the impression I was going to.¡± I admitted. ¡°He already knows who I am. I don¡¯t understand why she just wouldn¡¯t be honest with him at this point. I could understand if we were dating for only a few months but after two years?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m sorry, honey.¡± she said.

    All I could do was nod my head¡ªthis was par for the course in my life. Eventually my heart would end up in a bloody mess. Of course, there was a lot more to the story than she knew, but I gave her the gist of it. My mother was the only friend I had left now. I hated to dump this on her while she was fighting cancer, but I had no one to turn to.

    ¡°Honey, you need to stop contacting her.¡± she instructed. ¡°Regardless of who you think is doing this.¡±

    ¡°I know¡ªI have.¡± I informed her. ¡°I don¡¯t know what to do. I can¡¯t eat. Can¡¯t sleep. I¡¯m completely mentally and emotionally exhausted. I don¡¯t have the right words to say to her anymore. How do I get through this? How come she can¡¯t be honest and end her marriage? I was with her for nearly two years, not two months¡ªand I¡¯m the second guy here. How could this happen to me?¡±

    ¡°She had no right to date you without any intentions to be with you.¡±

    ¡°She promised me she would if I ¡°swept¡± her off her feet. She told me the only reason she was still married to him was because she didn¡¯t think a man would want to be with her because she had ¡°baggage¡±. She even told me she was there because if she were to leave, no one would be there for her. I trusted all that was true.¡± I explained. ¡°I wouldn¡¯t get involved in the middle of anyone¡¯s marriage unless I felt strongly the marriage was dead. The things she hit me with today...I just can''t believe it.

    My mother didn¡¯t say a word, but I could tell she felt the heartache I did.

    ¡°I don¡¯twant you to think she¡¯s a bad person, mom. She doesn¡¯t want to hurt her kids. That doesn¡¯t make her a bad mother or person.¡± I continued. ¡°I really think her husband is behind all of this. She told me he would never allow it.¡±

    ¡°He would never allow what?¡±

    ¡°He would never allow her to be with me¡ªhe¡¯d never allow her to leave their marriage for me¡± I said. ¡°For Anya to go along with this¡ªhe had to have threatened her.¡±

    ¡°What power would he have if she wanted to leave? Would he hit her?¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t think so. She told me he¡¯s not violent, but she also told me he would blow up if he knew the truth about us.¡±

    I guess all those years of running around on her while she was pregnant that caused a premature birth and even ruining the marriage of another man for good measure gave him what right to blow up at her? Because she wanted to be happy and happiness wasn¡¯t possible with him? Jackson¡¯s narcissism wasn¡¯t only evident but legendary. If the kids ever learned about Anya and I, or even his past history of unfaithfulness, it would have been through him. I was with Anya for almost two years, not just for two weeks. What did he think we were doing the entire time? Playing patty cake? Did he perceive her love for me as just a malady? That after all he ever put her through made them even now? Why would Jackson choose to be with someone whose heart no longer belonged to him?

    How could Anya choose to stay in a marriage, regardless of the kids, after all we¡¯ve shared? How could she be dishonest enough to still lie next to him in bed? How could they be so dishonest to all the people around them? He would never allow what? To be humiliated after he humiliated his own wife? My heart wasn¡¯t ready to accept she was the bad guy but rather the victim.

    While I spoke to my mom in her room, a few hours after I had sent my text to Anya about her police official neighbor, I received a text from her and had to excuse myself from my mother¡¯s room to read it.

    ANYA: ¡°I hope you know I¡¯m not reading your messages. For the 21<sup>st</sup> time stop contacting me, texting me, and harassing me.¡±

    ME: ¡°I don¡¯t know how they can be harassing¡ªyou can¡¯t be affected by anything you¡¯re not reading. At any rate, it doesn¡¯t matter. I just hope you forwarded those messages too.¡±

    ME: ¡°I just want to let you know that you have nothing, and I do mean nothing, to be afraid of. Your kids are going to be fine. Just worried about you over there. You know me, Anya. You know what I¡¯m about. If he does anything to hurt you, let me know. Take care.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°For the 23<sup>rd</sup> time please stop contacting me, texting me, and harassing me.¡±

    ME: ¡°It was actually the 22<sup>nd</sup> time, but who¡¯s counting? I really hope you¡¯re careful of him. He¡¯s leading you down the wrong path. If there was ever a time not to trust him, now is the time.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°For the 24<sup>th</sup> time please stop contacting me, texting me and harassing me.¡±

    ME: ¡°You know this isn¡¯t harassment, Anya. If this is harassment then all the texts you ever sent me were harassing in nature since you knew when we first met, he would never allow it and you¡¯d go along with it¡ªthat you intentionally misled me. If all he¡¯s ever done to you didn¡¯t matter then you had no right telling me it did matter. What are you going to do? Sue me for him being a bad cheating disrespectful husband? Sue me for caring about you pain and sadness? Sue me for fighting for your happiness after you asked me to? Go right ahead.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°For the 25<sup>th </sup>time please stop contacting me, texting me and harassing me.¡±

    ME: ¡°My only crime was being a nice guy and opening my heart to someone. I had no idea that was criminal intent.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°For the 26<sup>th </sup>time please stop contacting me, texting me and harassing me.¡±

    ME: ¡°Do you understand why I left you the first time? Do you remember you were mad at me for letting you go even though you were ¡°married¡±? That¡¯s the truth. Your unhappiness is what hurt Katie. You¡¯re fighting cancer cells with more cancer cells. You will see that not choosing happiness will only drive your kids away from you. Why live a fake life? Is that what he wants for the mother of his children? For her to be unhappy?¡±

    ANYA: ¡°For the 27<sup>th </sup>time please stop contacting me, texting me and harassing me. I hope you know I¡¯m not reading your texts. I have no idea what you¡¯re texting. Just forwarding.¡±

    ME: ¡°That¡¯s good because I¡¯m not making any threats and I know what you¡¯re forwarding is for his reading pleasure.¡±

    ME: ¡°I know this is breaking your heart to do this to me. I know it. You know who truly loves you. I just want you to be truly happy again. You are not a trophy wife or someone¡¯s employee.¡±

    I guess she started to read my messages because she stopped forwarding them after I sent the last two to her. When I saw her name and number disappear from my Blackberry¡¯s IM contacts¡ªit broke me down. Reminding me of the loneliness I felt while sleeping on a cold hotel room floor in San Francisco after a heart crushing dinner. The times I went to the theater only to sit rows away from her. All the nights of heartache spent alone in my room after she had just left it hours earlier escaping back to her social life where she¡¯d forget I even existed. I hated to think this way¡ªbut Anya knew what she planned to do from day one. I guess, unlike Lance, she thought I¡¯d eventually just walk away¡ªjust another man that proved love was unrealistic.

    As the reality of a life without her began to set in, I still refused to accept my phone would remain permanently silent¡ªthat she would find away like love always did. If I truly stood for love in life, I had to make a stand to end her dishonesty. I refused to allow her, or myself, to like a false life. I truly believed once she realized what she did, she would find her way back to me¡ªlike she always did. She would eventually come to the realization she couldn¡¯t live without me and to judge me emotionally in this situation wasn¡¯t fair. I further believed she would see how she couldn¡¯t be the mother she was meant to be for her kids without love in her heart. I would become more than a fantasy, and she would turn against Jackson. I just needed to give her time and even after all of this, I would still catch her¡ªrefusing to penalize her for the situation in the same way she punished me. She would¡¯ve never figured it out any other way than through what transpired today. If she were comfortable at home knowing she had me at her disposal and leisure, she would never have an incentive to be honest. I felt if Jackson knew the truth, he would annoy her enough to leave him. And if she chose another direction, finding happiness with another man, at least I wouldn¡¯t feel like she loved me for the sake of falling in love¡ªthat she truly had the intent to change her life. How could she ever find enough strength to deny our love and all we ever felt for the remainder of her days? There was just no way she could live that dishonestly. If Jackson knew the truth, he would never trust her and she would always be looking over her shoulder¡ªeventually, this would end them.

    When I returned to my mother¡¯s room. I noticed she wasn¡¯t there, but her pill bottle was. I reached for the nearly full bottle and poured half of its contents into my palm and stuffed them down one of my pockets. I then quickly exited her room. On my way out, she was making a sandwich in the kitchen. After letting her know I was heading home, she gave me a hug as I tried to escape before she found out how many Vicodin pills I had taken.

    When I returned home, feeling emptier than I ever felt before, I waited until ten that night before sending Anya a series of messages meant to smooth things over, completely convinced Jackson made her do this.

    ME: ¡°Please forward these messages along. I wanted to apologize to you for taking shots at you today. It was nice of you to let me know what was going on. I just didn¡¯t know what to believe or think. I¡¯ve never had this happen to me before so I just didn¡¯t know.¡±

    ME: ¡°I hope you¡¯re ok over there. Sad we had to end up this way. I didn¡¯t know any other way I could move on. I¡¯d just keep hoping and I know who you want to be with. Like I said I would¡¯ve never done this if I thought it would hurt the kids at all. Never.¡±

    ME: ¡°It appears the ones who are out for blood are trying to make me look like a homewrecker. A real bad guy and I¡¯m kind of hoping I get a chance to prove to everyone what kind of man I am. I just wanted to be honest Anya, that¡¯s all, even if it meant we couldn¡¯t be together anymore.¡±

    ME: ¡°I believe this to be an attempt to repair his ego. He has nothing on me. Even with his status, you¡¯d choose me over him if it wasn¡¯t for the kids. That¡¯s tough to live with. Guess I should feel sorry for him.¡±

    ME: ¡°It¡¯s hard to imagine our time in San Francisco and now this. I¡¯m not a stalker or a harasser. I¡¯m a guy who is very honest. I¡¯m straight up. I¡¯m authentic. I do not lie. I would never expect anyone to lie for me, and then tell me I don¡¯t love them if I didn¡¯t. I wanted D&C to send you those emails. I wouldn¡¯t want them to keep anything from you.¡±

    ME: ¡°I just don¡¯t care what Jackson does. I¡¯ve got more character and integrity than anyone. I¡¯m honest to a fault. I just really trusted in you to be honest with him about us. You led me to believe we were special enough.¡±

    ME: ¡°I don¡¯t want you to be scared. You have no reason to be afraid of me. He doesn¡¯t either but I¡¯m sure he¡¯s afraid of the truth catching up to him. Hey, I¡¯m glad he knows. Like I said, if you love your kids and would do anything for them, even sacrifice your happiness, then you might as well resolve your anger.¡±

    ME: ¡°Of course, I¡¯d rather see you with someone who truly loves and respect you. Someone who brings the best out of you. He might act likes he does but we know otherwise. He would have to face the folks that you would rather be with an out of work CPA than him and all his money.¡±

    ME: ¡°I call this harassment and stalker case building, ego repair building. Anyway, don¡¯t be scared. He may be able to get me for harassment but nothing else. I just wanted him to know the truth about our love for each other. If anything, I should be filing stalker charges for him getting in my Facebook account.¡±

    ME: ¡°Also just tell C&D I¡¯m sorry for the Facebook messages. I didn¡¯t do a creepy thing like he did and go into their profiles and read what they were writing and posting on their walls via their friends¡¯ accounts. You can send a message without going into someone¡¯s Facebook.¡±

    ME: ¡°Anyway I¡¯m hoping the day comes when I get to meet my arch enemy face to face. Nice to be hated for once. The nice guy schtick was getting me nowhere. I¡¯m hoping this case he is trying to build against me based on the truth will do the trick.¡±

    ME: ¡°You know I love you and I had to go for it. I told you I¡¯d take a bullet for you and still would. You were my life. You still are. Will be for a long time. I had to risk everything. I¡¯m sorry things didn¡¯t work out the way we hoped. I just didn¡¯t know what else to do. I just want you to have love and not have to pretend.¡±

    ME: ¡°I think I¡¯m over 30 now so I think that¡¯s enough to get me on harassment. If it will repair his ego, more power to him. Take care of yourself.¡±

    After I sent these texts, I took a break as my mind seemed to spiral back and forth between Jackson and Anya. I suddenly lost the confidence to believe she wanted an out of work CPA over a man with Jackson¡¯s wealth and that nine times out of ten she¡¯d surround herself with more Jacksons than Landyns. What if Anya never told him the truth and this was all her doing? I then started a new set of texts to touch on that possibility, my self-esteem now plummeting to an all-time low.

    ME: ¡°I was thinking how ridiculous it sounds that you are in love with me and trying to build a harassment and stalker case against me. I had no idea you were his trainable robot when you married him. He even controls your thoughts to believing you are screwed up to be in love with me¡ªa man who truly loves, honors and respects you. What has this world come to?¡±

    ME: ¡°I really hope you told him the truth that I broke your heart and that¡¯s why we aren¡¯t together. That the real reason we stopped was because you were afraid I was going to tell him about us. It wasn¡¯t because you told me to let you go because you didn¡¯t want to hurt the kids. I believe that¡¯s called defamation of character and slander because that¡¯s not true. Forward this on please.¡±

    ME: ¡°It¡¯s a sorry state in this world when people who live dishonestly will do anything to protect those lies and do anything in their power to try to bring good honest people down. I really wish he¡¯d confront me but I know he doesn¡¯t have the balls. He doesn¡¯t want to hear something he can¡¯t handle and he knows it.¡±

    ME: ¡°The thing about all of this craziness is all you had to do was tell me you talked to him, then tell me your decision that we can¡¯t be friends anymore and I would¡¯ve just walked away but he had to take it a step further and contact a lawyer and a neighbor to whine about it. Big baby. What else could I do but walk away? I¡¯d have no choice but to move on but no, he had to cry harassment or something else that is so untrue.¡±

    ME: ¡°This whole situation, them being ¡°out for blood¡±, make me want to meet my ¡°accuser¡± face to face. Not a threat. Just man to man. Let¡¯s see who the real harasser and stalker truly is. How dare anyone accuse me of that when this relationship was between two consenting adults? Does the truth hurt so much you have to build a case to prevent its disclosure? He¡¯s a joke of a human being.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m more of a victim than anyone here. I trusted and opened my heart to you because he cheated on you, and you don¡¯t defend me? You tell me I¡¯m harassing you? You told me you don¡¯t trust him and you defend him? Just doesn¡¯t make sense to me. I¡¯ll be absolved though. It will be much sweeter when this all comes out of the wash.¡±

    ME: ¡°They are ¡°out for blood¡±? Does he think that scares me? It makes me want to see who is thirstier.¡±

    ME: ¡°You know, the kids were probably safe from knowing anything, but now that he has created a circus to try to repair his ego and to protect a flat out lie, the kids may find out now. He should want to protect them and not potentially expose them to this garbage. Just really stupid.¡±

    ME: ¡°I can¡¯t believe you married this guy. I can¡¯t believe you settled.¡±

    Her ¡°they are out for blood¡± statement roughly gnawed at my mind inciting me to fantasize about entering the battleground at her home. Did I have to go inside her home and pull her out of there? I then reeled in my insanity to how that would look to outsiders¡ªI was definitely losing my mind. It begged the question though--what did she tell her husband that set them out for blood? Were they out for blood because I honored and respected her while the real villain, her husband, never did? Were they out for blood because I wanted a woman who claimed to need me more than air to leave her marriage and be honest to those around her? Shouldn¡¯t I be the one out for blood after Jackson took my ability to make a living from me and cyber stalked me? If anyone was harassed and stalked, it was me¡ªI¡¯m the one who should be out for blood. When Anya phrased it that way, it made me thirst for vengeance¡ªor at least to be able to arm myself with all the reasons why she fell in love with me. The truth was though, the only thing that could make them thirsty for blood, and even justified, is if she told them the tallest of all tales¡ªI planned to go to the kids with all I felt. The thing that troubled me the most, after all we shared, after all the love I gave her, was how she had the audacity to pick up the phone to call the police on me. How could she ever choose do something to ensure we¡¯d never see each other again if she ever loved me? As livid as I was, I still held out hope she¡¯d come to her senses and prove me wrong. I was in complete denial that I could be this right about all my false conclusions¡ªor had I been gaslighted by the master herself that badly? The thing that hurt me the most was the fact she was doing things to ensure she would remain with Jackson, and not with me¡ªthat she chose the unfaithful over the faithful.

    After the most eventful day of my life, I somehow fell asleep, emotionally and mentally exhausted. I closed my eyes still believing she would sleep on it and come clean with him. She told me she wasn¡¯t a malicious person, and I truly believed that. Her stress levels would only further increase and once reality set in, she¡¯d reach out to me and I¡¯d be open to reconciling, hoping I got this all wrong¡ªI couldn¡¯t continue living life if I was right. My feelings didn¡¯t change for her¡ªshe was being forced to put on this dramatic show. Jackson told her you either get rid of him or I¡¯m going to put you out on the streets¡ªor something like that. If she left Jackson and came to me, eliminating the cloudiness of the situation I lost trust in the more my feelings grew, there¡¯s no way I could turn her away¡ªshe had shown me she really did love me. Based on our past history, how each time she broke up with me, she always found a way back to me, I had faith she would return to prove me wrong. When I heard the ring tone indicating I had received a text from her, I held out hope she had stopped counting how many times I had contacted her and counted on me to show her we could work this out.

    ANYA: ¡°For the 28<sup>th</sup> time please stop contacting me, texting me, and harassing me. Please don¡¯t show up at my properties.¡±

    Hope remained as the postponement of disappointment for me¡ªlike it had for nearly two years. When she added to not show up at her properties, as if I knew where her properties were, it seemed like Jackson had his name written all over the texts she sent me now--or their lawyer did. Although I had never threatened a soul with violence, and although I was the one who was stalked, their goal was to turn me into the monster. There¡¯s no way Anya told Jackson she was in love with me¡ªshe told him he planned to hurt her family. When I realized all my hopes were being annihilated, I swallowed three Vicodin pills, before I could respond, both emotionally and mentally exasperated. I now truly had nothing more to lose.

    ME: ¡°This is defamation of my character. I would never show up at your properties. You are in love with me.¡±

    ME: ¡°Do you Remember when you told me ¡°There is no marriage¡±? So why are you doing this? I¡¯ve done nothing to deserve this from you.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°For the 29<sup>th</sup> time please stop contacting me, texting me, and harassing me. Please don¡¯t show up at my properties.¡±

    ME: ¡°Why would I ever show up at your properties? Your husband is the creep, not me.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°For the 30<sup>th</sup> time please stop contacting me, texting me, and harassing me. Please don¡¯t show up at my properties. Please don¡¯t harass my family n friends.¡±

    ME: ¡°What a joke. I just wanted you to know I just deleted your phone number from my phone. This will ensure you won¡¯t ever hear from me. For the record you can just delete texts and not read them so I don¡¯t know how you could be fearful of a text message. I¡¯m harmless. If he decides to come after me in any way, he better be prepared to face the folks. I¡¯m not Lance, the guy whose marriage he destroyed or the man who fled the state after he broke your engagement off. He¡¯s not untouchable--he¡¯s out there with me. Goodbye.¡±

    Her texts made me choke on hope, filling me with more pain and sorrow that I¡¯ve ever felt before. To reveal so much of myself to her while she conspired with her husband against me, after disrespecting my heart for two years was too much for me to bear. I trusted in her love for me so much, I foolishly believed she would make things right, instead, she couldn¡¯t have made things more wrong. After selling me in the goodness of our love, she proved she never felt that way at all, and if she did, it was likely in a drunken stupor. Anya told me she grew from our relationship. The only way I grew from it was to know to never trust another woman, especially one who told me ¡°I love you¡±.

    ME: ¡°Just remember one thing. To love someone, the way you loved me, by sharing the lives of your kids with me, even inviting me to Katie¡¯s recital and telling me all you did about your husband, and then just letting me go instead of finding ways to be with me, was malicious to me. I am now going to delete your phone number. Any messages you send me after this text I will consider to be harassment and stalking.¡±

    Since she never responded to my last text, it seemed she was reading them all along. In the end, she stayed true to herself¡ªnever showing me any real understanding, instead her only solution was to let me go. Her love non-existent, and fraudulent. If she felt like she betrayed her kids and she knew he would never allow her to leave, then what did she ever risk? I would¡¯ve respected her situation if she had been honest in the beginning, instead she chose to weaken me emotionally by dropping a love bomb as destructive as a nuclear weapon if it was dropped on me. To make matters worse, she never defended me, leaving me to fend for myself while being submerged deep within the earth with nothing left to live for. These feelings of love would follow me everywhere¡ªtoo much fear and anxiety for me to accept the truth that she never really loved me¡ªshe was too much in love with herself to be able to.

 CHAPTER 21 ~ SOULLESS

    ¡°You¡¯re such a secret, misty-eyed and shady

    Lady how you hold the key.

    Oh, you¡¯re like a candle, your flame is slowly fadin¡¯

    Burnin¡¯ out and burnin¡¯ me.¡±

    ~ ¡°Bringin¡¯ On The Heartbreak¡± Def Leppard

    And just like that, after talking to her nearly every single day for the last two years, the woman who told me I broke her heart because I chose not to date her because she was married disappeared from my life¡ªas if I didn¡¯t even exist. Even in her absence, I blamed myself for the mess I created with my emotions. The woman who abandoned me, in my sick heart and mind, wasn¡¯t the reason for vanishing¡ªit was mine. Reluctantly embracing a world without her, I continued to write in my journal while submerged in hopelessness. Torn between the truth and fault, I still refused to give up on us while enlisting an opiate to keep my dream alive¡ªshe had to be finding a way to right this wrong.

    Hoping that she still believed in our love, I kept my Blackberry near me at all times. There was just no way she wouldn¡¯t eventually come to see what she did and then contact me. With a mind ravaged from the emotional toll our relationship took on me, I gave up on my job search¡ªmentally unable to work during the greatest recession in United States history. When I decided to trust Anya, I came in knowing our relationship would be more about her than it would be about me. In the end, I failed her, and being a competitively spirited man, I refused to accept that. I hated to let people down, especially when I only came into someone¡¯s life to make it better. Then there was the part of me who felt like she played me for a fool. Without any real plans to be with me, how could I feel anything different? Then there was the part of me that felt like I let her down.

    As long as I believed love existed between us, I would judge myself the same way I judged her. I was upset with her because it seemed like she never protected me. That she led her friends to believe she was just unhappy in her marriage and that Jackson was a faithful loving husband. After all the heartbreak before Anya came into my life. the Universe had me in mind to show her love never cheated on anyone. I never expected to see this side of Anya, a side that was extremely inconsistent with what she communicated to me when we first met.

    I thought back to some of the things she said to me, especially when she asked me over the phone why would I tell Jackson about us if she planned to stay? Well, I loved her, that¡¯s why. If she made the decision to work on her marriage, after I walked away from her, and after two years being told ¡°I love you forever¡±, there was no way I¡¯d accept that. She can have her marriage, but it will be under the umbrella of truth and not a dark cloud of deception. Her decision to stay made me feel used, another reason I wanted to confront him. The five months before we reconnected, should¡¯ve been the time to consider working on her marriage. Instead, she told me ¡°You broke my heart¡±. So I go all in to unbreak it forever, and the thanks I got was ¡°I feel I betrayed my kids¡± or ¡°Don¡¯t classify me with the general public¡±. Did she realize how rotten that was of her? All she could see is her kids, and that¡¯s fine¡ªI always considered myself second to them, but she even put me behind her kickboxing classes even comparing me to some man who believed in love who had his heart cut out of his chest and stomped on. If I didn¡¯t care about her, or the kids, I just would¡¯ve gotten her pregnant¡ªsomething I could¡¯ve easily done especially in the beginning when she was most vulnerable. Instead, I treated her like a lady, never punishing her for trying to run when the going got tough. My reward was to be accused of stalking and harassment by the woman I gave the last two years of my life to...and likely more than that. If mothers made sacrifices for her kids, why didn¡¯t she just do that and leave me the fuck alone? I didn¡¯t need to date a married person to find out love didn¡¯t exist for me. Her indecision turned me into a homewrecker and the reason for the turmoil in her life. She looked upon me as the disease instead of the cure after giving nothing but everything I had, even my career. A career I spent six years in school and passing an extremely difficult exam building? What did she lose? Her husband¡¯s trust? Something that she never had in the first place?

    With my Vicodin dosage increasing by the hour¡ªI hoped to just drop dead. I couldn¡¯t make sense of all the emotions I felt¡ªthey consumed me every second of the day. I knew there would be no getting past this. Two years of seeing and talking to someone every single day and now suddenly cutoff and I had no right to defend myself? I had no right to make this right so I can seek some kind of closure if I had to? Would the only closure I¡¯m worthy of is death just for loving someone? Why was I being eternally fined for falling in love? Telling Anya the way I felt in a relationship, if she did use me, was considered harassing behavior? Why the hell did she tell me about her husband¡¯s infidelities? She was there for the sake of the kids? Why couldn¡¯t she just tell me the truth instead of encouraging and allowing me to fight for her? I couldn¡¯t believe all that I was feeling.

    I never reached out to Jackson, yet she treated me as if I did. If I had any real plans to tell Jackson, why would I share them with her? I wouldn¡¯t have told her about it¡ªI just would¡¯ve done it. I told her what I was feeling because I didn¡¯t want to hide it from her, hoping she would do something consistent with her love for me to kill the thought. Instead, she conspired with him to call ¡°our¡± lawyer and their neighborhood police official. After I had lost my career, because she refused to share who her husband was with me when we met, like everyone else who dated her knew, that was what I deserved. I knew her daughter more than any other man, yet she didn¡¯t think twice about getting her ¡°people¡± involved to harm me? None of her ¡°people¡± knew the story. Did they know she loved me or did she tell them something else to get them to come after me?

    After popping my tenth Vicodin that day, I concentrated on when I told her ¡°What makes you think I¡¯d want to be with you now¡±? She responded with ¡°Well, I know you don¡¯t want to be with me anymore. I had so much to say to you but I would like you to reconsider us being friends one day.¡± As evil as conspiring with her husband against me was, her words gave me pause about my role in this¡ªI was no angel either. The sadness in her voice will always haunt my ears because my pride lied to her¡ªI would always want to be with her. Now, she falsely believed that I wanted nothing to do with her. The truth was I wanted her to fight for our love, not just a friendship. After all I¡¯ve shared with her and all I¡¯ve lost, she couldn¡¯t see how merely being friends was too hard for me? Maybe she fought for the friendship because she believed it was the only way a real relationship could still have a chance at existing. Anya became a need while I remained a luxury in her life and that need turned me into a man that scared her away. She wasn¡¯t scared in the sense I¡¯d hurt her, but that I might do something to destroy us. My pride led to my fall in a lot of ways¡ªit caused my own self destruction. I wish I had given her the time to tell me all the things she wanted to tell me¡ªmaybe they held the key to my survival. Instead, I erected the largest of barriers between us¡ªfear. There¡¯s no way I could ever fall out of love with her and only sorrow consumed me when I imagined all these things, she wanted to tell me, things I¡¯ll never know, because I denied her the chance to. I wanted to be her husband, not just her friend and that was tough for me to swallow or accept.

    I asked myself what would make this right? If she came to my door, all my pride would be out the window. I could easily apologize for what I did and do whatever it took to make things right for her¡ªbut she would have to take that step after weaponizing the man whose unfaithfulness led her to me. I still believed in us. I still believed in our love and I still loved her but was she truly in love with me? I wasn¡¯t even close to believing she wasn¡¯t in love with me, or maybe it was just the euphoria the pills gave me¡ªI didn¡¯t know. Even though she never stood up for me after giving her a hundred percent of myself, if the situation was removed from the equation, we could get back on track for good¡ªI would then know her love was genuine.

    The third day without Anya in my life, for some reason, I carried positive thoughts and it carried on into the day, or then again, it could¡¯ve been the Vicodin. That morning I worked out and even searched for jobs before deciding to visit my parents. On the drive over, I listened to some of the music she burned for me¡ªtunes I also burned on the Ipod she gave to me. When David Grey¡¯s ¡°Babylon¡± and ¡°Baby, You¡¯re the World to Me.¡± played, a smile broke upon my face, but when ¡°This Year¡¯s Love¡± came on, I had a hard time seeing the road.

    I stayed in my car for about ten minutes, trying to rid the redness from my eyes before entering my parent¡¯s house. I didn¡¯t want my mom to worry about me and crying was just something I never did.

    ¡°Hi.¡± She dryly greeted upon entering her room.

    ¡°Don¡¯t be too excited to see me now.¡± I sarcastically replied.

    ¡°What are you doin¡¯ here?¡±

    ¡°Just wanted to say hello.¡±

    ¡°Oh, I thought it was because you¡¯re lookin¡¯ for drugs.¡±

    ¡°Drugs?¡± I responded, pretending to be annoyed. ¡°What makes you think that?¡±

    ¡°Because I had a full bottle a few days ago and now I have half a pill bottle left.¡±

    ¡°You better have a talk with Dad then.¡± I joked. ¡°We might need to have an intervention.¡±

    ¡°Yeah, for you.¡± She answered with distress in her voice.

    ¡°I¡¯m sorry, I didn¡¯t think you¡¯d care. I¡¯m not addicted¡ªI¡¯ll bring them back if you want.¡± I replied knowing I had already taken most of them.

    ¡°No. That should hold you over for a long time.¡± She countered. ¡°I just don¡¯t want you takin¡¯ anymore. I need them too, you know.¡±

    ¡°Really? I didn¡¯t think you needed them.¡±

    ¡°Well, I do.¡±

    Although I knew she only told me she needed the pills to stop me from stealing them, my fate was already sealed. Not only had I become addicted to them, but abused them as well. Luckily, and unfortunately, she received two hundred pills a month, enabling me to take up to about seven pills a day. I knew I¡¯d probably have to look outside her room to get my hands on more. I just didn¡¯t care about living anymore. Perching on her old pink recliner chair, ¡°You¡¯ve Got Mail¡± was playing on her flat screen television¡ªbringing me back to a conversation we had about the chemistry Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan had together, and how much it mirrored mine and Anya¡¯s at the time. Naturally starting to miss her, I grasped onto hope for dear life once again.

    ¡°Have you heard from Anya?¡± My mother blurted.

    ¡°Nope.¡±

    ¡°Oh.¡±

    ¡°As crazy as this sounds. I still have hope for us.¡±

    ¡°What makes you think that?¡±

    ¡°What makes me think that? Are you serious?¡± I said turning my eyes away from the movie.

    ¡°Well, it¡¯s just that she broke up with you, honey.¡±

    ¡°She¡¯s broken up with me before.¡± I reminded her.

    ¡°She wouldn¡¯t have broken up with you if she wanted to be with you.¡±

    To hear these words come from my mother¡¯s mouth, a supporter who always defended Anya¡¯s love for me, left me in shock. Her words added a cement block to a soul that treaded for water, sinking me into deep despair. I then tried to defend her.

    ¡°Should I have expected her to just leave her kids behind to be with me?¡± I hit back. ¡°Should I have expected her to be with me with a husband who looked to sell her out to their kids and who¡¯s watchin¡¯ her like a hawk? Her husband is looking to make his wife out to be the scapegoat¡ªas if he is the victim in all of this after he wrecked another man¡¯s marriage because of his libido. After his infidelities caused her such great emotional distress that she had her son prematurely. Are you just going to attack her now? You know, maybe I was wrong for forcing her to defend me?¡±

    My mother stared at me then hit me with a haymaker called common sense.

    ¡°What kind of say would her husband have if she loved you and wanted to be with you?¡±

    I could feel the need for a Vicodin grow, as brain shivers hit me from out of nowhere like they often did after I quit taking Zoloft.

    ¡°Maybe it was me who did her wrong?¡± I answered. ¡°She¡¯s faced with a lot of things over there most people aren¡¯t faced with. Maybe the way I took the bull by the horns was wrong.¡±

    ¡°Like what kind of things is she faced with?¡±

    ¡°Like a business and properties¡ªlots of properties.¡± I said. ¡°What happens to all the employees? What happens to all the property they own? This isn¡¯t your typical situation--there¡¯s a lot involved that doesn¡¯t meet the eye.¡±

    ¡°She put you in the position to grab the bulls by the horn and maybe it was wrong in her point of view.¡± She retorted. ¡°But if she truly loved you it wouldn¡¯t matter¡ªshe would be with you.¡±

    ¡°You really think it¡¯s that simple? You don¡¯t think she loves me at all?¡±

    ¡°Not anymore¡­if she ever really did¡± she shot. ¡°People who love others would never ask them not to contact them or text them¡­let alone be willing to report them to the police if they did. You¡¯re in denial.¡±

    ¡°Do you see why I need Vicodin?¡± I snapped, her words unsettling me. ¡°If my self-esteem didn¡¯t take enough of a beating from Dad, you¡¯re now there to pick up the slack. My entire life I¡¯ve been dealing with this bullshit¡ªI have to go.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m sorry, Honey. I..I didn¡¯t mean to hurt your feelings.¡± She said trying to smooth things over. ¡°Please stay. It¡¯s the medicine I¡¯m taking. It¡¯s making me loopy.¡±

    ¡°I really have to go, Mom¡ªI have to get send some resumes out.¡± I lied. ¡°I¡¯m super sensitive to everything right now¡ªI really shouldn¡¯t have come by at all. I¡¯m not right in the head over this, and I¡¯ll only bring you down with me. This is the last thing you need right now.¡±

    I didn¡¯t want to leave my mother with bad feelings, but I couldn¡¯t hide how what she told me left me extremely unsettled. Sure, Anya¡¯s form of love for me was different than mine, but to say she didn¡¯t love me at all anymore? I wasn¡¯t ready to hear that, and I never would. If I had to accept that, jumping off the bridge would become reality as well. Could my mother understand how hearing something like that after all I¡¯ve lost and endured would greatly affect me? Did she think this breakup would be easy for me? Did she think me taking over a hundred Vicodin pills from her was normal? Didn¡¯t she realize how my low self-opinion was a major obstacle for me in life? I felt bad for my mother when she claimed her medication was what led her to tell me what she did, but the damage was done.

    I left her house feeling lonelier than ever, and out of desperation I reached out to my psychiatrist¡¯s office to set up an appointment as soon as possible. Thankfully, she had an open slot on Monday morning, a few days away. With the onslaught of brain shivers, I needed to let her know about these symptoms after ceasing my use of Zoloft three weeks earlier.

    I went back and forth between liberation and remorsefulness. I had my pride, and learned it truly did go before the fall¡ªwhile I fell apart at the seams. She told me women changed their minds all the time, but she also taught me the same lesson other women did¡ªwhen it came to leaving me, they never changed their minds after they did. I trusted that Anya was disgusted by Jackson so much, that all she needed was someone to be there for her when she left him. I trusted she would only be happy by leaving him. That not having someone to be there for her was the only thing holding her down¡ªand I gave her far more than adequate time to follow through. To look at me the way she did, with all the love in the world within her eyes¡ªI felt misled by her love. That she only looked at me in such a way because she knew all along this would happen¡ªthat she would never leave and force me to leave her. All she did was take me in, not out of a deep love for me, but she hid from me knowing those moments were fleeting.

    When I attempted to change the terms of the relationship, so it would be fair to me too, her true colors shone through¡ªshe needed to be in control or else. For a woman who dreamt, wished and hoped to be with me, she had it all planned out if the secret was ever threatened. It made me feel this was all discussed with the girls a long time ago, and likely even with Jackson. These emotions were bigger than me¡ªimpossible to make sense of. Would she have wanted to fall deeply in love with someone who slept in the same bed as someone else? How could she allow me to feel so much for her when even her sleeping arrangements never changed? If Jackson had dominion over her, then why the fuck did she lead me to believe she had control of her own destiny? It just made me sick to speculate. To me, it¡¯s basic common courtesy to not allow another human being to fall deeply in love with you if you are not the decision maker in that person¡¯s future. She only loved me because of my innocent na?ve qualities¡ªI was dumb enough to fall for it. When I reflected upon this romantic side of her, it occurred to me that no one has ever loved me adoringly like she did. I had never met a woman who couldn¡¯t take her eyes off me and I still failed to heed the warning Anya blatantly gave me each time she got lost in my eyes.

    A week passed before meeting up with my psychiatrist. After confessing I discontinued taking Zoloft cold turkey, she explained why my brain shivers were severe. It didn¡¯t happen often but it jolted me with a constant stream of electric shockwaves when it did. After catching her up with everything that happened, she felt disheartened for me. I was too proudful to break down in front of her, but had to catch myself when my voice started to shift. Instead of reprimanding me for the texts I sent Anya, and as long as I didn¡¯t cross any lines, she told me I was entitled to an emotional response.

    ¡°It¡¯s hard to have an electronic communication relationship.¡± She told me ¡°It often left things to misinterpretation. All you see are words and not the person¡¯s demeanor.¡±

    I was upset with Anya, no doubt, but never acted out violently like punching a hole in my wall or breaking things¡ªjust a great deal of mental anguish. My frustration only mounted each time I couldn¡¯t talk to her face to face because of her situation. The situation needed to change in order for us to make it¡ªand I believed she never planned to change it if she looked down upon those who divorced. Leaving the decision to be with me in the hands of others proved she had no real intent of ever leaving¡ªshe thought eventually she¡¯d wear me down with her planned indecision and I¡¯d just disappear from her life after becoming tired of her staying. To me, that felt like a game and why I acted out the way I did. Over time, I had to keep my hurt inside while it built up until ultimately getting lost in translation when it all came out. My psychiatrist agreed with me that her husband probably forced her to do what she did, however she explained that if she threatened me with harassment and stalking, she had no intentions of leaving her husband. To hear that from someone outside the voice in my head put me in a darker place. She finished the session by telling me that she might contact me again, giving me some hope, but overall, she really brought forth my greatest fear¡ªthat the stories and conclusions Anya said I formed in my head were always true.

    Before leaving her office, she handed me a note in which she drew an iceberg then ran a line in the top third of it to denote water. She then wrote the word ¡°hurt¡± on the part of the ice berg that protruded above the water then asked me what lied underneath the surface of the water¡ªthe part of the iceberg no one could see. In essence, explaining that if hurt was just the tip of the iceberg, what lied beneath it? I then told her, the hurt created after sharing the lives of her kids with me, allowing me to believe I was special. When she did that, I trusted she would never hurt me, it only encouraged me to fall deeper in love with her. Having kids of my own were really important to me before I met my soulmate¡ªafter that, I only wanted kids with her. Anya didn¡¯t just deny me love, she denied me my hopes to have a family one day too. After all we shared together, it hurt me to know she chose to stay with Jackson, even using him to conspire against me after she shared how much he dishonored her¡ªthe only reason I got involved with her. Now, it hurt because I didn¡¯t get to see her anymore. It hurt because I felt she abandoned me with a lot of feelings for her. It hurt because I endured and sacrificed a large part of my life for her¡ªeven losing a career job. It hurt because I opened up myself to her like never before¡ªshe knew me better than anyone ever has. It hurt because I felt like a fool after trusting in her love so much. Even when I felt otherwise, I still believed her love for me was true. Lastly, it hurt because my perception of love, family and marriages are forever changed¡ªher love for me corrupted my belief in the beauty and joy of life.

    As I shared these things with my therapist, I saw how my mom felt that Anya didn¡¯t truly want to be with me, hurting me even more to see the reality in that¡ªthese were no longer just thoughts inside my head now. After I left the session, all the positive thoughts I had when I arrived were all washed away. How could Anya, the woman I loved more than anything else in this world, do this to me? How could she have allowed me into her life for a single day, the most courageous of acts by a married woman with kids, to only cave into fear in the end? I took every precaution with her in the beginning, even walked away from her, and she still managed to rip my heart out of my chest¡ªlike all the other before her I wasn¡¯t cautious with. Now, anyone who knew of my situation, every single one of them believed, no matter how much Anya got angered when I questioned her love, that she didn¡¯t love me, and likely never did.

    When I came home, I took inventory of Anya around me. Her shrine of perfume, candles and cards still graced my dresser. The CD¡¯s she burned for me, songs that always touched my heart, sat next to the Ipod she also bought for me, on the nightstand next to my bed. The Ipod charger/alarm clock I used every day was next to the Ipod. The pen she got me for my birthday, my favorite writing tool I used to jots thoughts down on paper in the middle of the night was on the same nightstand too. The bookmark she had laminated that read ¡°I love you forever¡± was in the book I was reading on my bed. Anya even surrounded me whenever I had a meal at the mall¡ªmost of the popular songs she burned for me would be heard from the restaurant¡¯s speakers. When my mother told me Anya did not want to be with me and my therapist drove the point further by telling me she had no plans to leave her husband, it threatened to destroy everything I ever believed in about our love. A woman who ever considered me her soulmate would¡¯ve never dreamt of doing the things Anya did that day. I wasn¡¯t convinced I did anything out of line of a soulmate¡ªfighting for her to live an honest life. I truly loved her and she wasn¡¯t going to get anything sugarcoated from me¡ªshe got plenty of that from the person who cheated on her several times. If I couldn¡¯t tell her when she was acting like an entitled shit, then she never believed I was her soulmate¡ªit was only said to disarm me. Of course, there was still a chance she could prove them all wrong, but there was one hard truth in life that never strayed off course¡ªwhen a woman made up her mind about me, she never changed it. I know my mother and therapist didn¡¯t say these things to hurt me, but to help me, I wasn¡¯t close to being ready to accept it¡ªstill well into the denial stage of the grieving process. A process I didn¡¯t believe I was truly engaged in. In fact, they should add another stage to it¡ªthe hopeful stage, if I was truly engaged in the grieving process. The fact I still hoped, even beyond hope, wouldn¡¯t allow me to believe I was grieving her loss¡ªjust on another hiatus until we figure things out again. Even as the fact of the day and all the evidence edged towards the darkest of despair, my heart refused to believe what my mind already knew.

    Without Anya in my life to make me feel safe, I printed all of my daily journals since November 30<sup>th</sup> 2007, the night we reconnected almost two years ago. Well over two thousand pages, I ran them through a three hole punch and put them all in a huge black folder. Tucking this monstrosity of a binder under my arm, I jumped in my car to stay connected with my soulmate. Upon arriving at the Good Morning Caf¨¦, I¡¯d throw down a Vicodin and plop myself down into a black leather chair. Instead of looking for work, I succumbed to the darkest depression I ever had. For days on end, I¡¯d find myself at the Good Morning Caf¨¦, hoping to run into her, while poring through a binder searching for proof they were wrong about Anya¡¯s love for me. I read those daily journals with my entire heart, while my mind gave me an eye roll, but I didn¡¯t care¡ªthe Vicodin wouldn¡¯t allow me to.

    Fourteen days passed without Anya in my life while I worked tirelessly to prove I knew more about Anya¡¯s feelings for me than anyone else did. I found solace in the good times and feelings we shared through her own words in my binder of hope, still believing she still had so much she wanted to tell me. By putting myself in the caf¨¦, if she walked in alone, I could give her the chance to after my emotions stole that from her. When I¡¯d get home hours later, several more Vicodin would be taken before relaxing in my recliner reading through the binder. Focusing on the good times we shared, it hit me out of the blue giving me hope my mother and therapist were both wrong¡ªif she didn¡¯t want to be with me, how come she still held on to my thingie? The necklace I bought for her? Wouldn¡¯t she have returned it by now if she wanted nothing to do with me? My mother and my therapist both never considered this fact¡ªevidence in favor of hope. With this infusion of light, I started to write a letter to her, not to send but to act out if I had another opportunity to talk to her.

    Read all the words you have ever written me. How can you expect someone, who loves you as much as I do, to not see your pain? I just think it shouldn¡¯t have been a matter of ¡°if¡± but ¡°when¡±. I trusted you to never turn me into a bad person. We had a pure love. There were no agendas. I loved just walking with you, holding your hand and talking to you just as much as being intimate with you. It was sweet. It was special. It was respectful. It was not about lust. There was a lot of love and respect¡ªI couldn¡¯t even go there because it hurt too much to see you leave not because I didn¡¯t want to. How could it have been so easy for you? Was this a lustful relationship in your eyes? I could understand you fighting it the way you did and you thinking you betrayed your kids if you believed it was such. You led me to believe our love was real--that it was true. That it was everything love should be. If I was using you or taking advantage of you in some way. I could see him not allowing it or people being against it. How could you not stand up for our love if you believed it to be good? When you said you felt like you betrayed your kids, you tore me apart with that. Why would I ever put you in that position especially with the way I loved you? It just hurt so badly because of how much of them you shared with me. Listen, I can handle a broken heart better than anyone¡ªI¡¯m used to it, but this one cut right through my heart without warning. I worked really hard to make our love special.

    After I typed this up, I saved it in a file folder called ¡°thoughts¡±¡ªthat¡¯s all they were. To try to capture and pull in the right emotions in case she ever showed up at my door. Everything happening around me, even in the news, brought out the feels. Steve Phillips, the ex-general manager of the New York Mets turned ESPN analyst was fired for having an extra marital relationship with a young assistant. After their affair ended, his mistress called Phillips wife repeatedly and also left her a descriptive letter that even detailed where his birthmarks where to prove she had a relationship with him. She also allegedly stalked his son, asking him about their parent¡¯s love life. Although these kinds of things never entered in my mind to do, it was good to know it wasn¡¯t entirely off course in this kind of deep emotional relationship to want to talk to Jackson. The way I played it out in my head, I would leave out the tawdry details, only wanting to tell him the reasons I chose to be in her life. He should hear it from me because I brought with me the one thing no one else would represent, the truth. He obviously wanted to know the truth if he stalked me on Facebook. Why not give it to him so he knew what he faced? When he went into my account, that forever changed the game for me. I expected her protection and defense, not her running away and not wanting to face anything anymore. Ironically at the same time, the McCourt¡¯s, who owned the Los Angeles Dodgers were going through a contentious divorce which prompted her to be fired as CEO. There were even pictures of his wife with a bodyguard, yet she never ran and met it head on regardless of her being in the public eye. Anya faced a lot less than she did, and I¡¯m sure his wife was just having fun with the bodyguard.

    As I struggled more each hour to cope with my grief, I was curious to see if Anya had set up a Facebook account for herself. While searching for it, her daughter¡¯s Facebook profile came up in my window¡ªit seemed like Anya hadn¡¯t set up one for herself yet. Her profile picture was one of her and Andrew together¡ªbrother and sister. I found it to be the sweetest thing that she¡¯d make that her profile picture¡ªit was nice to see they had a close sibling relationship and appeared to be really happy. It made me wonder if Katie knew of me and maybe it was posted to send me a message? As if to tell me this is what you¡¯re taking away from me by wanting to be with my mother. I didn¡¯t think I was delusional, but I could very well have been. The pain I felt inside made me fear the worst was yet to come and how easily the worst-case scenarios came to mind. Although I did glanced at Katie¡¯s Facebook profile picture, there was no intention, nor even the slightest thought to ever contact her or Andrew like the jaded assistant in the Phillips affair did. I felt jaded as well, especially after she shared so much of their lives with me, but the thought never entered my mind. I may have been somewhat delusional but I¡¯d suffer from delusions of grandeur believing they would choose me over their father no matter how much better I treated her than he did. I knew telling the kids anything was completely out of line and futile. This was between three adults and no one else. The duty to talk to their kids was theirs and theirs alone. After I saw Katie¡¯s Facebook profile picture, I told myself if she ever displayed a profile picture of her father and mother together, it would confirm Katie was aware of an issue in her parent¡¯s marriage. After all the times she claimed to break down in front of her kids, wouldn¡¯t Katie and Andrew be curious about what caused their mother¡¯s tears?

    I contemplated writing a letter to Anya at this time, but wanted to get through some therapy first before making a decision to send it¡ªneeding to distill the raw mixed emotions I still had about everything. Part of me wanted to ask for my thingie back¡ªnot because I wanted it back. What would I do with it? But if she thought I was an harasser, a stalker, the guy who led her to betray her kids, the guy who encouraged her to be a part of the general public she despised and the guy who wanted to hurt her kids, then why would she hold onto it? At the very minimum, I gave that to her believing she thought the very opposite of those things about me. If our love never inspired her to leave her marriage, how could I have meant anything to her?Stolen from its rightful author, this tale is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

    As I mourned her death, I started receiving calls from a number containing only zeroes. Unfortunately, since I began muting my ring tones, I missed each call and they never left a message. Could it have been coming from a pay phone? Did they even have pay phones anymore? Or maybe it came from the neighborhood police official or their lawyer¡¯s phone? When I started to hope it was Anya who called, to tell me all the things she never got a chance to say, I chalked it up to being delusional.

    During my therapist appointment that day, Tobey asked me what I wanted. The question left me in a state of shock¡ªa question Anya never asked me. I became so conditioned to no one caring about what I wanted, I didn¡¯t know what to say.

    ¡°As you can tell I¡¯m having a difficult time. People are telling me that she never wanted to be with me and it¡¯s killing me inside¡ªI don¡¯t want to believe it. Of course, I¡¯ve had my doubts too, but I¡¯ve never been willing to fully believe that. Even when I know better, I still didn¡¯t believe it.¡± I explained, feeling a sense of defeat. ¡°What I want is for her to prove them wrong. In my hearts of hearts, I believe she¡¯s still holdin¡¯ onto my necklace for a reason¡ªshe still hopes we¡¯ll be together one day. I can¡¯t give up on her yet.¡±

    Tobey looked at me with sincerity and deep concern in her eyes, the same way Anya used to look at me.

    ¡°But Landyn, you need to choose healthy relationships.¡± She opposed. ¡°She loved you, but only because you were her confidant. When that ended, she ended her relationship with you. You have to beware of these types of unhealthy relationships. And Landyn¡­¡±

    My suddenly reddened eyes awaited her response.

    ¡°Hope is only the postponement of disappointment¡± she stated.

    Tobey had given me hope and always saw my side of things. When she objectively broke this down for me, I took it to heart but was unwilling to accept it, regardless of the writing on the wall. That night I couldn¡¯t fall asleep. The night I first met Anya, I should¡¯ve just talked to her wearing a multi-colored wig with a white painted face, a round red rubber nose and oversized shoes¡ªshe basically thought of me as a clown anyway. After Tobey pointed out my role as Anya¡¯s confidant, something I never considered, it wrecked me. Anya knew exactly what I represented to her, her confidant and nothing more. It¡¯s why she predicted my therapist would recommend cutting off all contact¡ªeven she knew she was using me and the only reason she loved me was because I believed there was something greater behind it. What I didn¡¯t realize is the woman who claimed to love me had judged me¡ªshe wrote me off sooner than I could have ever recognized. My therapist session broke my heart as much as Anya did.

    It seemed I always chose unhealthy relationships¡ªones in which the women needed saving in. For starters, I always went into my relationships focusing on others instead of myself¡ªthe surest way to someone¡¯s heart. The problem was I didn¡¯t love myself each time I did. In order to be able to put myself on the backburner for people, it had to be intentionally done and not by nature. Basically, I had to love myself before I could love someone else. Anya didn¡¯t create the inequity in our relationship, I created it by accepting my role as confidant with no complaints. Unless I found a way to love myself, I would only continue to be mired in relationships with no return on my invested time. It was hard to acknowledge that I was there for Anya at all times and defended her at every turn, yet received nor was worthy of the same in return. Instead, the man who abused Anya is now playing the role of hero¡ªlikely telling the entire neighborhood how a psycho who thought he had a chance with his wife was harassing and stalking her. The hardest thing to accept was how Anya knew what she was doing, likely why she felt guilt all around. How she likely told Jackson ¡°I told him we were just friends and he wanted more¡± even though she claimed to love me more than ever. I knew she loved her kids, but she also knew I was a good man. Did she just think that lowly of me as a man because I respected her?

    She told me the girls were forced to produce a copy of the Facebook email I sent them, but were they really forced? Or were they more than willing to hand it over? Anya had to have lied to them about our relationship. If they willingly handed those over to him then they encouraged her all along to work on her marriage. If they were forced, I just didn¡¯t see a scenario how they could be, then Anya didn¡¯t want me to think badly of them. All I wanted was for them to know the truth as to why Anya and I believed in our love¡ªwhy we both went in circles. I would¡¯ve never been in her life for a single minute if Jackson had never chipped her heart away from him with his infidelities. I was not the kind of man who dated people who were friends with benefits¡ªespecially in an extramarital relationship. These thoughts suddenly brought me back to the time she broke away from me claiming, there were ¡°expectations¡± and she wanted those removed after over a year of being together. Of course, there were expectations after all we shared. There had to be.

    I went back and forth between anger and compassion, hoping to remain on the kinder more understanding side of my emotions. As much as the outside world believed she didn¡¯t want to be with me, and no matter how accurate and decisive their assessment seemed to be, I chose to deny them¡ªshe still held onto my necklace for a reason. I went back and forth with my mother and Tobey on the issue, hitting me hard by taking my current status with Anya at face value. Although I knew they wanted me to get well. they just could never know how much I loved Anya. How much she still meant to me, while I learned how little I meant to her. I had no doubt Anya loved me, but only as long as a condition was attached to it¡ªit being a secret. While I saw how the marriage hurt her kids, Anya only saw how it provided her and them with the best things in life¡ªwhy she was never ambivalent to her marriage and why she had no problem sucking it up no matter what anyone else did for her. What made is so excruciating for me was that she knew this from day one¡ªthat she let the clown turned confidant give it his best shot knowing he would eventually fail her after she proved she never planned to change a thing regardless of how much she claimed a woman changed her mind. It likely surprised her that the fool in love lasted as long as he did before breaking. Driving me crazy just had to be by design.

    Tobey advised that it would be a bad idea for me to contact Anya, but I continued to work on the letter with the intention to send it. I believed my right to an emotional response¡ªyou don¡¯t just cut off things completely after two years with someone. If I had threatened anyone, I could understand how I would be out of line, but I had a legitimate purpose after nearly two years of trusting her love for me¡ªmy time, energy and heart was not for free. Anyone who knew the nature of our relationship knew I was more her husband than her actual husband was. She gave me a landslide of emotions and she shouldn¡¯t be allowed the right to shoot me without me telling her how badly it hurt. I don¡¯t know what Anya told Jackson, or the neighborhood police official, but it couldn¡¯t be anything close to the truth.

    A month passed without a trace of the woman I heard from several times nearly every day for twenty-two months. Yet, still believing she would reach out and prove everyone wrong, I wanted her to be more than the illusion everyone else believed she was. After getting a call from a private number in the morning that never left a message, it got me through the day imagining it may have been her. When the same number called again and left a message for me the following day, I couldn¡¯t wait to listen to my voice message. When I learned the identity of the caller was my cable company, it brought to life Tobey¡¯s prophetic words ¡°hope is the postponement of disappointment¡±. After the reality of the private caller¡¯s identity revealed itself, I immediately popped two Vicodin to escape the pain. What made it even harder was coming to the realization that Anya was likely not having a hard time with this like I was. Then again, I wouldn¡¯t have wanted that for her because of her kids¡ªthis heartache was entirely debilitating. Once the opiate kicked in, I mercifully entered a realm where compassion overruled the reality of the everyday world. I refused to return to my Pre-Anya existence because I wasn¡¯t the same person anymore.

    While searching the internet, I found and read through many ¡°missing you¡± quotes, choosing one in particular that I posted as my Facebook status that read ¡°People that are meant to be together always find their way in the end¡±. I then found myself looking at Katie¡¯s posted picture of her and Andrew once again. As I got caught up in the picture again, it killed me inside to know they had no idea who I was. If they were my kids, I would¡¯ve been so proud to have created them¡ªit killed me even more to know they weren¡¯t mine at all. To know the only reason, she shared their lives with me was because she planned to break my heart one day, made it that much harder. If Anya had told me she wanted them to know me one day, I could look at things differently, but she never did. She thought if she shared the lives of her kids with me, I¡¯d be more than understanding when it was time to rip my heart out¡ªthe kind of move a politician would make. It just really burned me to know that and there was no getting around that truth¡ªshe never wanted her kids to know me. That fighting for her to choose love and happiness was asking her to hurt her children. I couldn¡¯t have imagined a more hurtful position to put someone in who you asked to fight for you. I just couldn¡¯t believe she¡¯d do that to anyone one she loved, let alone ever planned to be with. Sure, I thought it was unfair how she pit her children against me, but never for a second did I believe loving me betrayed her kids. There were times I struggled, but I was under the impression she would leave her marriage, not stay after sharing all we did especially for nearly two years. The only time she betrayed her kids, was when Katie blamed herself for her mother threatening her father with divorce, and Anya let her go to bed with that guilt on her mind rather than being honest about it all. If the decision was made to protect Dad¡¯s history of disrespect from them, then she had no business allowing me to feel so much for her¡ªAnya knew why I chose to be in her life.

    Sure, I had a ton of opinions on this, but it made me equally upset that people would judge Anya unfavorably as a mother if they knew of our relationship. There was never a doubt in my mind that Anya was a good mother. If you¡¯re going to fairly judge her, you have to understand the emotional abuse levied upon her by Jackson and the inequities he created in their marriage leading her to me. Although I questioned Anya¡¯s love and intentions, I truly loved her and how could you accuse a mother for betraying her kids when she wanted to feel appreciated, respected and loved? Her husband broke his vows to her and that¡¯s what betrayed the kids¡ªit was nothing Anya did. Her husband chipped away at her heart for years after he cheated on her, basically never atoning for a single thing¡ªeven when Yom Kippur reminded him of it each year. I never felt sorry for Anya, I understood how she felt because I¡¯ve been there too and under much less excruciating circumstances. No one had a right, without knowledge of all the facts, to ever say she betrayed her kids by loving me. Anya did her children a disservice by being dishonest with them about the marriage only because Katie overheard her threatening to divorce Jackson¡ªa moment in time that she would give Jackson no choice but to allow it.

    The fact she still held onto her necklace gave me hope that she still believed in us, even after all the craziness. How could I doubt her love and intentions after Katie overheard her threatening Jackson with divorce? Would she have ever threatened her husband with divorce if she didn¡¯t love me and wanted to be with me? My therapist and mother didn¡¯t know about that so how could they believe she never wanted to be with me? Without Anya holding onto the necklace I got her, I would¡¯ve taken my life by now¡ªthe only thing keeping me away from the bridge. I wasn¡¯t willing to accept what everyone else wanted me to¡ªholding out hope I¡¯d get the chance to hear all the things she wanted to tell me but never got a chance to. To keep the hope alive that she wouldn¡¯t have to ¡°suffer forever¡±, effectively ruining her life. When I recalled the time she told me ¡°my anger will never be resolved¡±, maybe this will backfire on Jackson turning her even more against him? If she no longer held the cards in her marriage because they were now even steven in his eyes and considering her anger will never be resolved, how could this not make her ambivalent towards her marriage? How would she handle the transformation from being the victim to Jackson to now being the culprit? Wouldn¡¯t that just make her angrier than ever before? Especially if he hounds and piles more work on her to ensure she¡¯s too busy to stray again? Was she really willing to hand the cards over to her abuser to help her marriage?

    On a drive to visit my parents, I got stuck in a rare traffic jam. While at a standstill, I noticed the driver in the car next to me, a black BMW, throwing half of his body outside his car window to peer ahead at the traffic. I was no fan of traffic even spending two years in it every single morning, but not once did I ever think to lunge half of my body outside my window to see what the holdup was. While witnessing this driver¡¯s ¡®A¡¯ personality shine through, I noticed another trait impossible to ignore¡ªI knew this driver. It was Jackson Caiaphas, seemingly driving home from work on a Friday evening. Presenting me with an opportunity to catch my accuser off guard, I fought off the urge to approach him in the middle of traffic instead. When the traffic began to move normally, I watched him drive off taking the chance to confront him away from me.

    With Anya fresh on my mind after seeing Jackson, I couldn¡¯t stop thinking about why he was in such a hurry to get home. Why it was so important to throw half his body outside his driver¡¯s side window. When I started to think of another social gathering, it put me in a bad state of mind. It spurred me to revisit the time we argued and she told me ¡°yea keep it up¡± then warning me she was about to do something ¡°irrational¡± because her anger was ¡°escalating¡±. She further elaborated on this emotion by telling me she never knew she could be capable of such anger. My crime that day? I hit her with something called the truth¡ªthe things she denied herself on a daily basis. This led me to believe she was holding on to the ¡®harassment and stalking¡± card for some time¡ªlong before she used it against me. Upon this sudden revelation. a part of me wanted to refocus the intent of my letter, even daring to ask for my necklace back. Why hold onto something a harasser or stalker would give to you?

    Then I thought of San Francisco¡ªwhen she hoped I would go to see her, even planning a date for dinner. The wonderful feelings we both shared when she opened the door to her room when I arrived at her hotel. The perfect morning walking in downtown San Francisco, hand in hand until she left my room. Then my thoughts carried over to when we accidentally ran into each other at the convenience store¡ªwhen she claimed I startled her. Just a few hours later, we finally fulfill a hope, wish and dream of having dinner together. After knowing full well how badly I struggled with my emotions, she hit me with ¡°I could never be with you even if you were better¡± leaving me about as broken as the guy in ¡°500 Days of Summer¡±. It resembled the part in ¡°500 Days of Summer¡± when Summer invited Tom to a party she was throwing without telling him that she was engaged, and how his expectations were crushed by reality. Anya did the same thing to me and the worst part was that she loved me. It seemed like the only reason she told me not to question her love was because she believed she betrayed her kids. Well, she did if she knew it wasn¡¯t love she felt. It¡¯s almost as if she used ¡°love¡± to make herself feel better. The problem was the person she loved had to feel loved. Instead of feeling loved, I felt used. Love never would¡¯ve dared to call a police official or a lawyer on me and if she considered that an irrational response, she was right if she loved me. Sure, Anya apologized to me from the ¡°bottom of my heart¡±, but that was the kind of apology a five-year-old made, not a forty-year-old adult. I deserved a real apology¡ªan acknowledgement that what she did was nothing short of wrong and beyond being irrational. She gave me a lot of feelings, then didn¡¯t allow me to feel them.

    Her apology came after she riddled my body with bullets. She played a game with me if she believed at any time being with me would hurt the kids. Then she goes out and shares their entire lives with me, allowing me for the first time in my fucking pathetic life to feel great about who I was, then hits me with ¡°I feel I¡¯ve betrayed my kids¡±. And how was she betraying them? By being honest with them about her unhappiness? By not wanting to place the burden of her unhappiness upon them? By trying just to be happy because of their father¡¯s gross betrayals? By wanting to be honored, loved and respected? Tell me again Anya, why you felt like you betrayed your kids? The truth was these kids of hers were spoiled. They got things, even horses and boats, allowing them to see mom as the villain if she left, and adoring their dad who was the source of the things. And that¡¯s fine¡ªif the most important to thing to Anya was permitting her marriage to keep building stable and marina spaces for her kids, I¡¯m good with it. Just let me know in the beginning so I don¡¯t set my heart on anything, especially after walking away. Don¡¯t allow me to feel anything that would only end up destroying me¡ªthat¡¯s not loving someone. Because she couldn¡¯t help herself from doing that, now we have a problem. No, you didn¡¯t betray your kids¡ªyou betrayed me.

    I could only imagine what Anya thought of me now. Did she tell the people around her, including Jackson, ¡°oh he¡¯s crazy and delusional¡± and ¡°he knew from the beginning we would only be friends and he wouldn¡¯t leave me alone¡±. It made me so sick to think she could be that dishonest; I took seven Vicodin in a five-hour span just to deal with it. My thoughts then drifted to all the times she asked me why I held back. Was there any question why now? I refused to let her cheapen our love¡ªto love her with everything I had while she climbed back in bed with the man who led her to me. She even had the audacity to tell me ¡°you¡¯re exhibiting behaviors I couldn¡¯t trust¡±. Did she ever consider what created those exhibited behaviors? Did she include her role in their exhibition? Did she ever consider the behaviors she exhibited that I couldn¡¯t trust? If she could never see the things she was doing that brought forth my negative emotions, it was never about me, not for a single day. And when the day came to make it about me, she felt betrayed and accused me of harassing and stalking her.

    When you love someone, you stand by them and you never leave them. I stood up for her in every way shape and form. When she wanted to run, even when I wanted her to, I talked her out of it instead¡ªshe chose to be with me the right way or not at all. All I wanted was for her to tell Jackson she was in love with me. Not the juicy details even though he deserved them. All I wanted was for her to say to him ¡°I am in love with Landyn. He respects me. He honors me. He loves me. He¡¯s thoughtful and caring. He is always there for me. I want to be with him.¡± If she truly loved me, I believed this would be an easy thing to promise me one day.

    After seeing Jackson, it destroyed any hope of seeing my mother that day¡ªmy emotions were too raw to be around her if she said the wrong thing. I then turned my car around and twenty minutes later found myself in the comfort of my own bed. I didn¡¯t want to hear the same old thing from others who didn¡¯t know the entire story. The last thing I wanted was to argue with my mother over it. Reeling from untamed thoughts, curiosity got the best of me and decided to jump on the computer. I visited Katie¡¯s Facebook to see a new profile picture up¡ªone of Anya and Jackson together. They both were sitting next to each other on a boat. Anya was sitting Indian style; her hands were near her mouth suggesting excitement about something. Jackson was seated with his legs out in front of him and looking at her with a grin on his face. I didn¡¯t know what to make of it, but I could feel my stomach turning over itself inside of me. I convinced myself that if Katie ever changed her Facebook profile picture to one featuring her parents, then she had to be aware there was trouble at home. I didn¡¯t know any kids who posted a picture of their parents as their profile pic on Facebook¡ªthey were too consumed with acting cool at that age. I know at her age, unless my parents were both tragically killed or it was their anniversary, I would¡¯ve never made my profile picture on Facebook on of my parents. But it was Sunday, November 9<sup>th</sup>¡ªnot even close to their anniversary date and they were both alive and well. This was either an attempt to get her parents together or to let her friends know the rumors around the neighborhood, if rumors existed, were not true.

    The picture appeared to capture Jackson¡¯s marriage proposal to Anya. I then recalled the time Anya told me ¡°I can¡¯t remember if I was ever happy on my wedding day¡±. Well, if she wasn¡¯t happy on her wedding day, she seemed to be purely euphoric when she excitedly accepted his marriage proposal¡ªlikely just after she had just broken off an engagement to another man. I could understand better why the guy left the state, but he could¡¯ve mistreated Anya too and deserved to be cast away. When I noticed Jackson proposed while on seated ass, it should¡¯ve given Anya insight into what she could expect in their marriage. The narcissism and disrespect were clearly evident in the pic.

    After seeing her new profile pic, it made me wonder where Katie got the picture from. Did one of her parents give it to her or did she grab it from a photo album or wall? If things were truly going great there, why not grab a more recent picture of them together? The fact she put up an old picture of her parents told me Katie sensed something was not right at home proving my point¡ªkids had a sense about those things. It also made me feel bad as well. It was never my intent or goal to sell them out to their kids. Even if my heart was not involved, knowing all I knew, staying for the sake of the kids was not the right thing for Anya to do. Although seeing that picture filled me with both hope and fear, it was bittersweet because it was her daughter who posted it. It made me sad to think she may have blamed herself for the problems in her parents¡¯ marriage. I¡¯d be willing to take all the blame for that if she felt that way. She had no idea how much her mother loved her¡ªnot a clue. It made me mad and sad that Katie believed her mother was an unloving person¡ªshe couldn¡¯t have been more wrong about anything in her life. Sure, Anya only loved me on the condition the fa?ade of her marriage remained a secret, but I felt the true nature of their mother¡¯s heart and not the one she disguised from them because of their father¡¯s transgressions.

    The picture also made me wonder if it was possible that Katie found out about me¡ªthat the picture was a message meant for the man who harassed and stalked their mother. The more I thought about the picture, the more galaxies collided against each other within me. After an emotionally exhausting day, I took another Vicodin hoping to fall asleep with better feelings about it.

    The next day I visited my mother and couldn¡¯t help myself.

    ¡°Anya¡¯s daughter has a Facebook account now.¡± I informed her.

    ¡°What¡¯s Facebook?¡± she asked, her face looking up at me sideways.

    ¡°It¡¯s a website where you can post pictures and socialize with your friends.¡± I explained. ¡°They can comment on your photos and you can even let them know what¡¯s on your mind.¡±

    ¡°Do you have a Bookface account?¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s called Facebook.¡± I replied. ¡°And yes--I do.¡±

    ¡°How did you know her daughter had an account?¡±

    ¡°I googled her name and it came up.¡±

    ¡°Did you get inside her account to see if her parents are still together?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m sure I could if I tried but I can¡¯t do that¡ªit would be an invasion of her privacy.¡± I stated. ¡°All I did was look at the pic she posted on her profile.¡±

    ¡°How were you able to see her profile picture without getting in her Bookface account?¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s Face first, then Book.¡± I restated, patting the side of my face for emphasis. ¡°You don¡¯t have to get into someone¡¯s account to see their profile pic.¡±

    "Oh."

    ¡°Do you think it¡¯s normal for a fourteen-year-old kid to have a pic of their parents up as their profile pic?¡±

    ¡°That seems normal.¡± she said. ¡°It¡¯s a picture of her parents¡ªshe¡¯s proud of them.¡±

    ¡°Don¡¯t you think kids her age are too embarrassed of their parents to post a profile pic of them?¡± I asked. ¡°At fourteen, I thought it was more important to be cool and parents were a drag.¡±

    ¡°What¡¯s your point?¡± She retorted, a hint of anger in her tone.

    ¡°The pic suggests something is wrong at home. I think they might be separated or divorcing.¡±

    ¡°Don¡¯t read into things¡ªit probably doesn¡¯t mean anything.¡± she jabbed. ¡°Wake up, Landy¡ªshe doesn¡¯t want to be with you. She¡¯s not in love with you.¡±

    Hearing her words exacerbated all the turmoil inside, leaving me deflated. I understood why she told me that¡ªshe wanted me to move on, but my idea of moving on entailed climbing to the top of the bridge just outside her window. Her recklessness had good intentions but also threatened my continued existence. Each time I felt Anya didn¡¯t love me, we kept it between us, but this was out in the open now and up to interpretation from the outside. Captain Obvious would say she didn¡¯t love me, not my own mother. It didn¡¯t take a genius to come to that conclusion based on what happened, but I felt that way more out of fear than belief. To fully embrace and believe she didn¡¯t want to be with me would be the day I took my first step onto the bridge. I still held out hope, beyond all hope, that she would prove my mother and therapist wrong, finding her way back to me¡ªlike she always seemed to do. How could either of us live the rest of our lives without each other after we found each other? There was no doubt in my mind that if Anya was willing to remove the situation from the equation, we¡¯d experience an even greater love than we had. As I tried to keep hope on life support, my mother ripped the cord out from the wall.

    ¡°I don¡¯t know why a teenager would choose to put a picture of their parents up as their profile pic on Facebook.¡± I said. ¡°It makes no sense unless there was trouble in the marriage.¡±

    ¡°She probably put it up because her parents are getting along better now and she¡¯s happy about it and wants everyone to know.¡± She replied, her eyes focused on ¡°The Golden Girls¡± rather than me.

    If I could¡¯ve swallowed the remaining Vicodin pills in her dresser drawer I would have. Hearing this from the woman who always defended Anya and supported me just left me unsettled inside. I didn¡¯t want my mother to be mad at Anya or to hate her. As much as I felt she was to blame, I was at fault too. I wasn¡¯t ducking my responsibility for this mess¡ªit just seemed she didn¡¯t accept her role in it at all. I left my mother¡¯s house that day more depressed and hopeless than I¡¯ve ever been. I didn¡¯t know what to hold onto anymore¡ªthe truth everyone else saw or the truth I manufactured from our love. I knew Katie had over three hundred friends on her Facebook account. That figure doubled the number of my friends and I had twenty-five more years on this planet than her. I guess my heart wanted to believe she had to put on a show for her friends. She had to give them the impression, amid the rumors, that things between her parents were peachy keen jolly green. Even venturing to say not one of her three hundred plus friends had a picture of their parents up as their profile pic on their Facebook accounts.

    Another possibility is Katie knew who I was, and this was her way of speaking to me. With no uncertain doubt, horrible things were said about me if she did know who I was. She probably thought of me as no less than a monster¡ªthe man who wanted to take her father and mother away from her, her brother and each other. This would always be the thing that hurt me the most¡ªthat if Anya believed she betrayed her kids, then she would protect Jackson before protecting me. She would never vouch for me or to even defend me, opting instead to destroy me. That she would rather her children fear me, just like King Kong¡ªwhy I found so much association with the movie being the same beast forever misunderstood in the eyes of others. If her parents were truly getting along and Katie was happy about it, how come she had a seventeen years old pic up and not a recent one? Likely because a recent one of them together didn¡¯t exist.

    I hated to think of things that would crush the feelings of an innocent fourteen-year-old kid, who like most kids, would want to see their mother and father happy and always together. She knew how her neighborhood was and my heart broke for Katie¡ªthere was no way I could ever tell her the truth. It would forever remain locked away in the vault of my mind. She would never know the real reason why and how I came into her mother¡¯s life. Although I believed if her parents did get divorced that it would give both, her and Andrew, a better chance at having a real love in their life one day, those beliefs will never be known. I guess if my dad treated my mom, the way Jackson had treated Anya, I would be understanding. I also wouldn¡¯t want my mom or my father though to be with someone who made them feel badly about themselves¡ªthat kept them from being the mother, or father, or human being they were meant to be. This wasn¡¯t about me, but I would never want my mother or father to place the burden of their unhappiness upon me without my knowledge. I¡¯d hope they would be honest with me and not allow me to go to bed at night blaming myself for the inequities they created in their marriage. No matter how much Anya and I shared, it wasn¡¯t my place to make Katie aware of the reality surrounding her, but rather Anya and Jackson¡¯s place to. As much as I disliked Jackson and as much as Anya had wronged me, I had no right to talk to her children¡ªthey were both off limits. Yes, I was devastated. Yes, I felt betrayed and wronged. Yes, I felt desperate and disrespected, but no matter how I felt, I could never justify reaching out to Katie or Andrew about this. Even if they reached out to me, I¡¯d send them back to their parents. As much as I wanted to know them, Katie and Andrew were not my kids. I would just have to accept the role of monster they created for me. All I could do was hope they wouldn¡¯t place the blame upon themselves for the problems they began to see in their parent¡¯s marriage. My heart broke for both of them and not just for myself. I deserved this drama, they did not.

    When November 10<sup>th</sup> arrived, a year to the day when Anya left home to spend the night alone, at least until I showed up, in the same Laguna Beach hotel we first stayed in, I knew I¡¯d be in for a rough day¡ªmuch like the day she left me. It felt like we were North and South Korea after a formal end to the war took place but no peace treaty was ever signed. That the end of our relationship was more like an armistice than a breakup. As I went through both extremes, I hoped to find an elusive middle ground between madness and sadness that could help me see through the darkness. It brought me back to when she told me that Jackson would never allow us to be together. In essence, never allowing his wife to be happy after cheating on her several times. If that was ever the case, which had to be since day one, how could she have asked me to fight for her? After doing that for nearly two years, she seemed to forget she ever asked me to do that for her. That my reward for doing so was to contact a lawyer and a neighborhood police official. How could any of this be for real? Did the last twenty-three months of my life really happen to me? Just a year ago, all signs pointed to us being together soon, yet here I was now closer to hell than heaven. I talked to her nearly every single day for two years, and now a month later she had vanished as if I never existed¡ªlike a bad dream.

    That evening, I again found myself in front of a computer screen, looking at the picture yet again trying to wrap my mind and heart around its significance. Since I felt strange looking Katie up just to see it, I saved it to my desktop so I wouldn¡¯t have to Google her anymore. It crushed me to know her mother would never be brave enough to tell her the truth about me¡ªthe noble reason I was in her life for. Katie would never know how much I cared about her mom and how I would¡¯ve done anything for her. That I wasn¡¯t the homewrecking monster her father tried to make me out to be, but everything her mother needed her father to be. There was no intention to invade Katie¡¯s privacy by infiltrating her Facebook account like Jackson did to me; I was just trying to find the right direction to feel. I was lost in the deepest depths of the ocean, pressurized with less than zero sunlight and touched by things I¡¯ve never seen or known¡ªI needed to see something familiar.

    Still searching for the significance of the picture, I found myself having imaginary conversations with her out loud¡ªa symptom of heartache reserved for hardened soldiers.

    ¡°I don¡¯t want you to blame him or me for your unhappiness.¡± She told me.

    ¡°Then who else am I going to blame? Myself?¡± I¡¯d reply. ¡°I never approached you. I never told you that I broke your heart. You¡¯re blaming me for caring about your happiness more than my own, and you think you¡¯re the one who gave me the unique gift? I trusted you to lead me in the right direction. Should I have not trusted you, Anya? Would that have been the key to my happiness?¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t want my kids to hate me. I don¡¯t want to hurt my kids¡± she said to me.

    ¡°Why? Is it because they wouldn¡¯t get the things they were used to getting?¡±

    I reflected on the sentimental wedge she put between me and her kids. There was one time she was told me she was thinking about running away, but her kids came in with Valentine¡¯s Day cards they made for her. Then there was the time she asked Andrew what he wanted for his birthday, and with his ¡°big brown eyes¡± in hers he asked her for ¡°my family¡±. If Andrew asked for his ¡°family¡± on his birthday, he had to have known something was wrong at home. Why did they continue to lie to them? Because they wouldn¡¯t be successful in life without monetary rewards? A room with dollar bill wallpaper seemed to suggest that was what Anya and Jackson instilled in Andrew. Anya even told me one time ¡°I don¡¯t know why Andrew loves money so much¡±. Little did I know, I was up against that wallpaper as much as I was up against the fa?ade of her marriage.

    I then thought of another scenario¡ªwhat if Anya had already left Jackson, or vice versa, and the profile picture was Katie¡¯s way of trying to reach them to get back together? That when Jackson forced Anya to contact the neighborhood police official, that she finally made a stand for me and the goodness of our love. Of course when I thought of the schlub calling me, it made me angry to imagine Anya handing the phone to him¡ªher hero after all I had sacrificed for just the promise to be with her that I deserved. I really wanted to believe this possibility more than any of the ones before it, but history taught me many times, once a woman made up her mind about me, she never changed her mind. I first learned it with Sara then with Denise, and now with the girl who would¡¯ve rather died than lose me, Anya.

    Like clockwork, I found myself back on the internet, but this time googling ¡°Anya Caiaphas¡± to see what may come up. When I saw Anya had finally opened up a Facebook account, I couldn¡¯t hold back my excitement. Now the scenario I hoped for had a real chance of becoming true. Jackson would¡¯ve never allowed her to open up her own Facebook account, in light of our relationship¡ªshe had to have left him! Opening up a Facebook account was her way of reconnecting with me. Anya was right, women did change their minds, I knew she had to be different than all the rest¡ªthere was no way she could fake that love and there was definitely no way all we felt for one another would just fade away. When Anya said ¡°I love you forever¡±, this is what she meant. That maybe she couldn¡¯t be with me now, but she would somehow find a way to make it right in the end for both of us. Every single time she broke up with me, she always found a way back home and here she was again, showing me whenever hope seemed lost, she found a way to touch the sun. As I opened the link to her account and waited for it to load onto my screen, I looked up into the sky imagining my Vicodin days behind me. As her Facebook profile loaded, with the bigger picture Anya finally started to see with me more in focus than ever, a sudden great pall fell upon me when her profile picture revealed itself¡ªher head near Jackson¡¯s chest in a warm close embrace.

    The picture was likely taken when she was in Spain on the beaches of Tenerife, and if Jackson had ever cheated on Anya, no one would¡¯ve ever known, and would never believe it if he ever did. They both had mile long smiles suggesting nothing less than pure marital bliss¡ªnothing even close to what I was led to believe. I always fought back the thought of images like the one before me existing in her home or even in a photo album somewhere. Knowing she slept with her husband, I opted to believe she slept on the far side of the bed¡ªit would drive me mad thinking any other way. Now, I could no longer deny the evidence why Anya could and would never prove me wrong¡ªI was right all along. The stories and conclusions Anya gaslighted me into believing were formed in my head now revealed itself to me as she opened up her marriage to the entire outside world. Not only was she never ambivalent to her marriage, but proud of it. While Anya claimed I harassed her for being right, for good measure she decided to harass me with a picture she had to know I¡¯d eventually see. How could my soulmate, after only a month apart, be so malicious? I knew the answer to that now¡ªAnya was never my soulmate, but my soul¡¯s destroyer.

    I knew one thing was absolutely certain after I grabbed five Vicodin and swallowed them all at once¡ªI would never survive this heartbreak.

 CHAPTER 22 ~ THE GUARANTEE

    ¡°I can¡¯t love you, if you won¡¯t let me.

    Can¡¯t touch me, if you don¡¯t try.

    I can feel you

    I know that you¡¯re ready to take it to the other side.¡±

    ~ ¡°Love Will Keep Us Alive¡± The Scorpions

    The picture of Anya in Jackson¡¯s arms, with a huge smile on her face, as if he had never hurt her a day in his life, captured my struggle for the last twenty-two months¡ªan emotional hardship beyond explanation. A battle Anya told me was all in my head. Now I understood why Jackson fought for her¡ªno matter how many times he dishonored her; he still felt her love. While I was led in the beginning to believe she never kissed him or said ¡°I love you¡± back to him. Sure, she might¡¯ve done it a few times when she was upset with him, but nothing even close to what she represented to me. I knew the devastating potential a pic like this, that had to have existed on a wall or shelf in her home, could have on me, yet I continued to seek them out. I needed to be torn apart and they held the thing she kept from me¡ªthe truth. Unfortunately, this was a picture I needed to see when we first met¡ªnot after my soul became vested in her. If I had known this is what she was really proud of in life, it could¡¯ve saved mine. Instead, she decides to shove it right in my face like I deserved to feel any of this¡ªlike I was the one who cheated on her and his kids several times.

    While she accused me of forming my own truths and conclusions, she was busy memorializing moments that misrepresented everything she ever told me about her husband. Even if I asked how she could post this picture for the world to see, she would¡¯ve continued to do it anyway and keeping me blind to the truth. After throwing down two Vicodin to avoid driving to the bridge, I reminded myself that she likely did it for her kids and was forced to. Hoping beyond hope, I just never wanted to believe a picture like that could exist when the reality was many of them did. Anya proved that money was both her master and servant. She could cry ¡°but my kids¡± for days on in, but without Jackson¡¯s money, she would¡¯ve been long gone. After he cheated on her, she even told me she stayed because she couldn¡¯t raise her kids on her own. She couldn¡¯t give them the life Jackson did and that¡¯s why she stayed and took pictures with him regardless of the men she brought into her life.

    An institution I used to hold in the highest regard, marriage was now the biggest sham on the planet¡ªbasically, just a form of legal prostitution. Having a family used to be the most beautiful thing to me¡ªeverything I ever dreamed and wanted. Now, having a family was the rock people hid behind to either network with or bring legitimacy to themselves. People would never respect a man without a family over a married man who was a father. If Anya could stay with Jackson after all we shared, she could¡¯ve never known real heartbreak. She only pretended to so she could repair her ego, and I bit on the line she threw like a big mouth Grouper. All this time I believed to have a special love¡ªone not created to hurt kids, but to raise them up. Although I blamed Anya for misleading me, my belief in something that even she knew didn¡¯t exist was to blame. I couldn¡¯t say I wasn¡¯t at fault¡ªhaving a lifetime of failures that should¡¯ve prevented me from ever trusting her. It was my choice to ignore my past and to take a leap of faith into a boiling river. If she truly wanted me to let her go, all she had to do was show me that picture, and I would¡¯ve disappeared forever. That picture told me all that ever really mattered to her, and I would¡¯ve been able to salvage my life. It would¡¯ve been easy to let us go because I¡¯d know it wasn¡¯t me who blew it. For her to post this pic after all we shared, under any circumstances, was something I¡¯d expect from Satan, not Anya.

    I considered the possibility this was likely a trap¡ªto get me to respond so Jackson could build a case against the man who honored his wife and made her happy. Maybe this wasn¡¯t her profile and it was set up by their neighborhood police official to trap me? If they would install a chip in her phone, how could I put it past them? What also made the possibility of it being a fake profile account was the fact Jackson had his own Facebook account but wasn¡¯t even one of her Facebook friends. All my married friends on Facebook were friends with their spouses, and I was friends with both. Why weren¡¯t Anya and Jackson Facebook friends? Had he not yet accepted her friend request? If I were to tell my mother about this pic, would she have also told me to not read into it? Or did she only tell me not to read into things that were positive? I refused to believe the words of my mother and my therapist¡ªthey¡¯ve never been in the same room with us.

    After seeing all I hoped to never see, I started talking out loud to myself¡ªas if Anya stood right in front of me.

    Bottom line is this Anya, if you felt I was pressuring you. If you felt that what I said at times were threats, if you felt I was hurting you by being upset that I couldn¡¯t get a promise from you to be together¡ªI¡¯m sorry, but you couldn¡¯t have been in love with me. Sure, it felt like love to you, but the only reason you were so in love with me was because I let you remain in your marriage. That¡¯s not being in love, Anya¡ªlove conquers all. When you¡¯re truly in love with someone, you don¡¯t care what others think. When you¡¯re truly in love with someone, you don¡¯t decide to stay with someone else. The only reason you fell in love with me was because you thought I¡¯d be okay with this arrangement and let you stay without an argument¡ªas if my feelings would never grow beyond the first night we met. This same thing happened to me with a receptionist at my old job. I got a sob story (¡°my boyfriend hits me¡±) just like you did (¡°my husband has cheated on me four times¡±) and then she gave me an excuse as to why we couldn¡¯t be together (¡°I¡¯m still going through emotional damage¡±) like you did (¡°my kids¡±). Then it all got clarified when I learned the truth; she was involved with the Company¡¯s VP and you are staying because of Jackson¡¯s ability to provide when you cried ¡°I¡¯m married!¡± when I threatened to tell him¡ªthe day I learned the hardest truth I¡¯ve ever had to learn. The fact you would stay and even tell me maybe it would ¡°help your marriage¡±, was beyond insulting but all the proof I needed--that should¡¯ve never been an option for someone who loved me as much as you claimed to. If this wasn¡¯t true, my words would¡¯ve never been described as ¡°pressure¡± and ¡°threats¡±. All you had to do was make me a promise we both deserved, if your love for me was true. The truth was you only fell in love with me because you thought I would let you stay. It took me a long time, but I finally got wise and brave enough to learn a truth I never thought I¡¯d ever have to seek. When you threatened me with ¡°harassment and stalking, turned my name over to a neighborhood police official, and threatened me with ¡°people¡±, that was all I needed to know about your ¡°love¡± for me¡ªa love for only yourself. That¡¯s not being in love with someone, but because of the stupid man you chose who believed in it, you received love in return.

    Feeling more lost and unrecognizable with each pill I swallowed to mask the emotional toll her ¡°love¡± had taken on me, my sanity went sideways. With the truth drilling me deeper than I ever wanted to go, her profile picture stole my ability to pretend my fears weren¡¯t real. Vicodin and the faint hope of being wrong was my only saving grace. My therapist¡¯s words played in my head like a Hiroshima bomb¡ª"she¡¯s made it perfectly clear that she isn¡¯t going to leave¡±. If her words were correct if not prophetic, finding a way to pretend she was dead to me, not literally but figuratively, became paramount. Even with the truth in my face, I fought back against giving up on her. The picture was impossible to deny, but could she be that evil? I just couldn¡¯t believe I¡¯d ever fall in love with an evil woman. This Facebook profile just couldn¡¯t be hers¡ªit had to be setup by Jackson to trap me into contacting her. Jackson wanted me to hate her¡ªhe wanted me to think she was the one behind it all. After that picture initially breaking me, and although the possibility existed this was Anya¡¯s Facebook account, I couldn¡¯t believe after Anya knew how much I questioned things that she''d ever come clean like this. There was nothing normal about our love in the first place so why would I, or anyone else, try to put it in normal terms? With her version of love still evident in my bedroom, I refused to believe that she didn¡¯t love me¡ªshe held onto my necklace for a reason. She was forced to put that picture up otherwise she would¡¯ve sent my necklace back to me by now.

    Somehow through the chaos, I landed an interview with a company just walking distance from my apartment. I met with three different people in the company¡¯s accounting and sales departments and left the interview with a really good feeling. It had to be an act of divine intervention for me to even put on a suit on again, but Vicodin did wonders. I had to land another job before sending Anya any letter¡ªit would give her the impression I wasn¡¯t falling apart at the seams. It worried me that mentally, I didn¡¯t know if I was ready to go back to work, especially relying on a drug to get me through the day. I¡¯d have to completely change this life I¡¯ve gotten used to. In the meantime, I kept writing in my journal to work through all my emotions. If I planned to write her, I had to keep my negative emotions in check.

    When you wanted to see me in San Diego, I was there. When you wanted me to come to Laguna Beach, I was there. When you wanted me to come up to San Francisco, I was there. Whenever you needed or wanted me, I was there. I gave you all of me, and if that wasn¡¯t enough, I¡¯d find a way to give you more.

    I then found myself examining Katie¡¯s profile picture again, the one I saved to my desktop, wondering who took the picture and how the marriage proposal was planned. When I first saw the picture, it never occurred to me it was a marriage proposal¡ªit was not a traditional wedding proposal in any sense of the word, but a perfect snapshot of what was yet to come. To see how Jackson proposed to Anya, on seated ass instead of bended knee, and Anya happily accepting, told me they both never believed in love. Worst yet, Katie likely held her father¡¯s disrespectful proposal in the highest regard, showing it off proudly to family and friends. In my mind, the picture provided all the things a marriage proposal should never be. It was clear back then that Anya believed love was unrealistic, not just marriages, and she willingly exchanged disrespect for social status. Being respected and honored never mattered to her and she likely knew vows were only made to be broken eventually. She didn¡¯t want to be a nagging girlfriend because Jackson made her feel valued and independent. Knowing she was eleven years his junior, and she was nineteen when she met him, he was better suited to be seated there next to Chris Hansen, not the love of my life. Would he be fine with Katie dating a thirty-year-old man on her nineteenth birthday? Anya was still an impressionable teenager when he met her and if she felt pressured not to be a nagging girlfriend in the fear of losing him and the friends she made through him, then she was with him for all the wrong reasons.

    Anya had to have known from day one where this marriage was headed and to share this moment with her daughter drove her mindset even further home¡ªshe taught her kids money and things did lead to happiness. That being honored and respected didn¡¯t matter because love was unrealistic anyway. I was torn between anger and compassion for her. How could she fall in love with me knowing who she was? That being respected and honored didn¡¯t mean much to her? That she always believed money and things led to happiness. Did she feel pressure to say ¡°yes¡± because of how he arranged it, inviting friends and maybe even family on his boat? Was she going to say ¡°no¡± in front of everyone? It just broke my heart to see her so excited to say ¡°yes¡± because in a perfect world, that should¡¯ve been me and never Jackson. After all we shared, I just couldn¡¯t believe she¡¯d allow Katie to post it to her Facebook account.

    I still held out hope, even as the evidence and opinions stacked up against me, that Anya still believed in us. I kept my phone with me at all times, even sleeping with it just in case she got drunk and wanted to run. I googled her often, searching for hints she held out hope too. I couldn¡¯t be convinced a person I fell so deeply in love with could¡¯ve wronged me¡ªthat she could be that cold and calculating. How could anyone judge me for feeling the way I did after all we shared? Vicodin was the only thing that could bring me closer to the person I needed to be. The person who needed to believe when the phone was silent that hope still remained. Being two weeks away from our two-year anniversary, she surely planned to come back into my life to remind me of her beauty like she always found a way to.

    Compassion for all I put her through found a way to roost inside me. Would I have wanted to deal with so many emotions from someone when I needed to be there for my kids? I could understand how she could be relieved not to be talking to me anymore, but I also never would¡¯ve allowed anyone to develop deep feelings for me, in her situation, if I wasn¡¯t the real decision maker. All we could ever see in the end were the worlds that disconnected us from each other. It could easily be argued that this was for the best, but if that was true, why was my life so off track? If I couldn¡¯t believe in Anya¡¯s love, what could I ever believe in? The only thing I felt certain about was knowing nothing would stand in my way of the unthinkable, the unimaginable and the inevitable in the eyes of those who knew me.

    My feelings remained unresolved for her mainly because she held on to my necklace for a reason. She always put it on whenever she came to see me or when I came to see her¡ªher beautiful smile and the happiness in her wide eyes meant the world to me each time she showed it off to me. Most people would get to live the kind of happiness I felt each time she did that without fear of losing it, but not me. I¡¯ve never had love long enough in my life to feel secure in never losing it eventually. I knew nothing lasted forever, but I believed my love for her did. I never expected her love to last longer than mine, but I also never thought I¡¯d ever question it. All I needed was some part of her to hold onto me in some way. This all had to be a production Jackson ran to fill doubts inside of me¡ªhoping I¡¯d fall out of love with Anya so she would fall out of love with me. If I were to lose hope and get upset with her again, he would win her back without even trying. As proof of the contrary stacked up against me with each passing hour, I chose to go to bed at night believing we could find a way back to each other. People believed in God; an entity that never gave them evidence of existence¡ªwhy couldn¡¯t I believe in Anya¡¯s love? As long as we could see the same moon, we were still close enough for a chance to still exist for us.

    Armed with hope in my heart and Vicodin on my mind, when my mother called, it provided an opportunity to show her just like her belief in God, my belief in love would not be shaken.

    ¡°I guarantee, on my life, she¡¯s never coming back to you.¡± she harshly predicted after I told her my hope. ¡°She¡¯s workin¡¯ on her marriage.¡±

    ¡°Ok.¡± I replied with a defeated tone. ¡°I have to go mom¡ªit¡¯s been a long day. Have a goodnight.¡±

    ¡°Goodnight, honey.¡±

    I would¡¯ve rather absorbed a Mike Tyson jab than my mother¡¯s words¡ªshe knew how this usually panned out for me. That¡¯s an easy guarantee for my mother to make because it was that simple. I believed in hope the same way I believed in God¡ªalways caving into reality and logic. To imagine her working on her marriage was beyond sickening to me¡ªthe last thing I could believe. I knew Anya¡ªshe would never post something like that unless she was forced to. She just couldn¡¯t do something that vicious and cold regardless of all that went down over a month earlier. She told me she felt responsible for all of this¡ªwhy would she take another kill shot? I wanted her to take the kill shot when we reconnected, not two years later.

    Unable to sleep, my mother¡¯s words fueled me enough to take the thirty-minute drive to the bridge to examine my destiny. I drove across it three separate times, spotting several areas I could quietly get to the very top of it. There was no settling for anything less than its highest point¡ªthere could be zero chance at surviving this. If I were to survive this attempt, I¡¯d only be more depressed. My mom¡¯s assessment provided me a view of the future¡ªthe Landyn Lastman who believed in love would never return. My Vicodin usage would only turn me yellow one day if I tried to battle through it. The bridge would bring a swift descent into nothingness¡ªthe only darkness I wanted to know. For Anya to take away my belief in love by working on her marriage would be the ultimate insult after walking away from her because she was married when we first met. To be that disregarded as a human being would be something I couldn¡¯t live with and my Vicodin usage would only grow. My suicide note would absolve Anya of any fault¡ªgoing from the womb straight to the tomb was always my destiny. I just didn¡¯t know it until now. Maybe I was just a bad person in another life and this was my punishment¡ªto be given this great belief in love but be damned from ever obtaining it. If she was working on her marriage, that would be the final nail in my coffin and it was time to expedite the postponement of disappointment.

    My letter would only be an act of holding on to a hope that didn¡¯t exist. While I believed she would arrive at my door or reach out to me, her love was only based on hopes, wishes and dreams¡ªnever reality. The minute reality became a possibility, her love vanished like a shooting star upon its entry into the atmosphere. When I first met her, I thought her love was the only thing I could trust in this world. The way she looked at me; the things she told me¡ªthings that only happened because reality never did. If Anya could go on for a single day without seeing or hearing from me; if she could call a policeman and turn my name over to a police official; if she could tell me I should get a dog or a roommate, she couldn¡¯t have wanted to be with me, or even be in love with me.

    That evening, as three Vicodin swirled in my system, I discovered a new profile picture Katie had up¡ªthis one of her and Anya. The picture was a beautiful one of her mother along with Katie¡¯s strong resemblance to her. All I could do was get lost in Anya¡ªI hadn¡¯t seen her in over a month and it looked like it was taken during Katie¡¯s Bat Mitzvah. When I recalled Anya telling me she had me on her mind the entire time, then taking it a step further by telling me she wanted to wear my ring, it was hard to believe how far apart we were¡ªI had never been more filled with love and more crushed so instantaneously. I¡¯d never understand how she could make me feel so loved yet never being courageous enough to make a promise to be with the man who¡¯s ring she wanted to wear. If Katie continued to post pics like this one, Jackson didn¡¯t have to force Anya into doing anything else¡ªmy life was already over.

    I found myself watching ¡°The Notebook¡±¡ªa movie Anya told me she watched after San Francisco and I hadn¡¯t seen in a long time. When the scene came where she wanted to give up because they were fighting too much, it reminded me of Anya and I. I wish I could¡¯ve had the same confidence Jake Gyllenhaal¡¯s character had. Yes, I fought with Anya because I had to be brave enough to tell her the things she didn¡¯t want to hear but needed to hear¡ªI loved her. Every single thing Anya and I ever disagreed on could be resolved over time. It was something we had to work hard on so we knew where we stood. Everything I ever fought her one was an act of fighting for her because I trusted she wanted to wear my ring. If she was bold enough to ask for a necklace, it was my job to make her courageous enough to have the ring she wanted too. I didn¡¯t need to ask Anya to forget about what everybody else wanted because I knew she wanted us. I threw things back at her not to hurt her, but to make her see past today but ten or twenty or thirty years from now. That her kids would leave her one day, and it would just be her and Jackson. The longer she stayed in her marriage, pushing her kids to be too busy to hide behind how bad it was, the more she set them up to drive themselves away from her and Jackson¡ªas far away as possible. I argued with Anya for the same reasons Jake Gyllenhaal did in ¡°The Notebook¡±¡ªI wanted Anya to see to a time when her children were no longer a daily part of her life. I didn¡¯t have to ask her what she wanted over everyone else¡ªshe showed me everyday and it drove me mad she refused to listen to herself. That¡¯s all I ever tried to do. What she felt were jabs, accusations and twenty questions was me fighting with her to see she mattered as much as anyone did, if not more.

    While awaiting news about another job offer, I skipped my job search for the day and visited my mother.

    ¡°Your hair is coming back in.¡± I told her.

    ¡°It¡¯s gray, but I never thought my hair would ever grow back.¡± She remarked, while rubbing her hands through the stray strands. ¡°They put me on a lighter chemo treatment.¡±

    ¡°What do the doctors think?¡±

    ¡°Well, the cancer is still on my liver and lung¡ªon my skull as well.¡± she stated. ¡°Although it¡¯s not spreading, it¡¯s still there¡ªthey say I have stage four cancer.¡±

    ¡°The higher the number, the more serious the cancer?¡±

    ¡°Yes.¡± she confirmed, looking away from me.

    ¡°How many levels are there? Ten?¡± I wondered; it was hard to believe she even had cancer.

    ¡°No. Four.¡± she replied while her eyes peered straight into her television screen and away from mine.

    She was doing so well, I found it hard to believe she had the worst possible stage of Cancer. How could she be at the most serious stage when her hair was growing back and they shifted to a lighter chemo treatment?

    ¡°Do you trust the doctors? Do you think they¡¯re being honest with you?¡±

    ¡°I do. I¡¯ve had my oncologist, Dr. Delmann, for twenty years now¡ªhe¡¯s always been so supportive. But one of the nurses snapped at me the other day while I was getting my chemo treatment.¡±

    ¡°She snapped at you?¡± I shook my head in disbelief. ¡°Was she unable to find a vein again?¡±

    ¡°Each time I go in for treatment, there have cancer patients of all ages there¡ªeven kids. I try to say something positive to everyone I see there, especially the kids.¡±

    ¡°What kind of things do you tell them?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯ll say things like¡± you¡¯re gonna beat this!¡± and ¡°don¡¯t give up hope!¡± she explained. ¡°I guess I gave words of encouragement to a terminal patient without knowing and the nurse scolded me for it.¡±

    I understood the nurses who worked at the chemo treatment center saw what my mom didn¡¯t every single day¡ªthat hope was the postponement of disappointment. They probably knew, or were often shocked to learn, a patient having a scheduled chemo treatment missed their appointment because they lost their battle. These nurses watched many times how people with hope and all the good chances in the world would be gone before they finished the end of their treatments. What they neglected though was the personal cancer experience and how easy it was for fear to overcome hope. My mother had the same disease, now a stage four cancer patient, and had as much of a chance at dying as a terminal patient did. My mom could have easily given up years ago¡ªI know I would¡¯ve. Every doctor appointment she had would bring bad news followed by more bad news and she still never gave up on hope. Not one time did she ever say she was beaten and tired¡ªshe just kept fighting and kept believing. For a nurse to reprimand a stage four cancer patient who didn¡¯t have the same time sensitive prognosis just didn¡¯t sit well with me. They had no right to deride my mother for the only thing she had beaten this disease with for the last twenty years; hope. Then again, maybe this nurse, like many of them, had become close to the terminal patient.

    ¡°I think that nurse is probably as angry and frustrated at this disease as much as anyone receiving treatment is¡ªit probably just got the best of her. She might¡¯ve gotten close to the terminal patient.¡±

    ¡°I guess I¡¯ve never looked at it like I was too special to get Cancer.¡± She said with a sullen tone. ¡°I didn¡¯t always believe there was a reason, but getting Cancer was God¡¯s way of giving me an opportunity to touch others. That He chose me because he knew I was strong enough to give strength to others. I¡¯d like to think that anyway.¡±

    ¡°You shouldn¡¯t let a nurse having a bad day take that gift away from you.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re probably right.¡± she replied, unmoved while pointing the remote at the television to change the channel.

    ¡°I have a question to ask.¡± I blurted, changing the subject. ¡°Do you think anyone would ever let go of someone they were truly in love with? For any reason at all?¡±

    ¡°No.¡± she responded; her eyes now focused on me. ¡°That¡¯s how I know she¡¯s not in love with you, Landyn.¡±

    ¡°Okay.¡±

    ¡°She doesn¡¯t even know what love is.¡± She continued. ¡°When you told me she still slept in the same bed as her husband even after all his cheating, I knew she¡¯d never leave him.¡±

    As my mother played the same role the nurse who reprimanded her did, she was surely sick and tired of hearing about my broken heart. Every waking hour she struggled with having stage four cancer on her mind and would happily switch places with me. That fact alone made it perfectly clear¡ªmy heart break couldn¡¯t be taken seriously. There would be no understanding of what I was going through from her even while feeling like a cancer patient with a terminal prognosis.

    After leaving my mother¡¯s house that day more depressed than before my arrival, I couldn¡¯t believe how much of a fool for love I was¡ªhoping beyond hope for twenty-two months she would find a way to be with me. It was like being told I had two days to live but deciding to finish the work week. Even when Anya told me every day was a reminder of her sadness and how much her kids needed her¡ªI still clung to hope. When she explained she would only be with me if it was certain their futures would not be affected by her decision to leave¡ªI still clung to hope. How could their futures also not be affected by Jackson¡¯s own actions that led her to do something she couldn¡¯t help? That¡¯s what didn¡¯t make any sense to me. It made sense before she met me, but how could she share so much with me after things remained unchanged for years between her and Jackson? How could she work on things now knowing all we¡¯ve shared for nearly two years? If he wins a seat on the house of representatives, what happens then? Wouldn¡¯t he have to fly to Washington D.C. for work each week? Unless she went with him, wouldn¡¯t they eventually be back to square one? It drove me ever crazier to think how she was unable to see herself in the mirror. She told me one time I exhibited behaviors she couldn¡¯t trust, yet she chose to stay, and sharing the same bed, with a man she knew without a doubt she could never trust? How did her decision to work on her marriage make an ounce of sense? Did she ignore every single thing she ever felt? And what did her kids stand to learn from working on things after intentionally trying to destroy it? In fact, not being able to help, suggesting a natural response, herself from intentionally trying to destroy her marriage? Anya never held back; I was the one who did¡ªI could¡¯ve easily have gotten her pregnant.

    Making the mistake of going online before going to bed that evening, left me tortured to the point, I needed three Vicodin to deal with the negative emotions¡ªand the fear of seeing another picture that would stir me into madness. I found more articles about staying for the sake of the kids, and each one I read stated it was never a good idea to stay for the sake of the kids in a marriage like Anya¡¯s. One article also suggested that spouses mainly stayed in bad marriages because they didn¡¯t want to be separated from their kids. Experiencing that first hand, it added credence to the argument, but it didn¡¯t mean it was right¡ªespecially when you throw in a twenty-two-month relationship with one partner and another brief two-month affair with another before that. After adding that into the mix, it made zero sense to me. If Anya had told me she didn¡¯t want to be separated from the kids before I fell and I gave her grief over this, I could understand her being very upset with me. I¡¯d easily understand how she could let me go. To allow me to fall deeply in love with her though, based on the premise that the only reason she was there was because she didn¡¯t believe anyone would want to be with her due to having two kids, or ¡°baggage¡±, just murdered me from the inside out. If there was anyone who exhibited behaviors she couldn¡¯t trust, it was Anya. Two happily separated parents were better than two parents living together in misery. Her kids knew more than she gave them credit for and Katie¡¯s Facebook profile pictures proved that she was no dummy. The worst things Anya and Jackson could do was pretend she was blind and dumb to everything she felt around her. Katie was extremely perceptive and the monster they tried to create in her eyes wasn¡¯t me at all, but the ones who denied her peace of mind.

    The next day brought news that the Company who showed an interest in hiring me decided to pass. Washing away my disappointment with water and more Vicodin, I watched my savings dwindle from thirty to fifteen thousand dollars in just four months. My addiction to opiates brought an attitude of carelessness that led to indifference¡ªsomething would show up sooner or later. In all honesty, I hadn¡¯t given my next career move any real serious consideration and the only reason I applied for the job was due to its proximity to my apartment. With a crippled mind at the helm, tackling the corporate world again gave me an anxiety I had never felt before and the drive to be successful in life was no longer there anymore. The drive to even get out of bed was basically non-existent. I had always had the ability to bounce back from any setbacks I¡¯ve had, but there was a finality with this one¡ªit was so damn dark I couldn¡¯t see tomorrow without the help of a pill intervening. My sense of self-worth was at an all-time low¡ªa feeling I left in the rearview ten years ago. There were no silver linings and the light at the end of the grieving tunnel couldn¡¯t escape from the black hole of my mind. After deciding to get out of bed at one that afternoon, and skipping another lunch, I jumped on my computer, unleashing my flash drive mind onto it.

    I was thinking of when you told me ¡°I don¡¯t think I know you¡±. Well, maybe you didn¡¯t? One thing you did know about me though is that I was deeply in love with you, and what came with that was me caring about your happiness¡ªyour true happiness; the one you showed me when we were together. I also remembered when you texted me ¡°I had so much to say to you, but it doesn¡¯t matter anymore¡± and also when you texted me ¡°you¡¯ve said enough. You¡¯ve done enough¡±. You told me you were in love with me then you did something people in love with someone don¡¯t ever do. When I first met you, I thought you knew what love was and meant. We never had sex in parking lots or cheap hotels. I never asked you to leave your kids or to choose me over them¡ªit was always them and me. I never knowingly got in the way of you being a mother to them and I never would. In fact, I believed you being with me, therefore being genuinely happy, would only benefit them. You may have thought you felt love for me but somewhere along the line you fell out of love. When you¡¯re in love with someone Anya, the very thought of what you ended up doing would¡¯ve never crossed your mind. You don¡¯t tell people ¡°I love you forever¡± then call the police on them. You knew all I wanted you to do was to tell someone you told me you no longer loved and no longer trusted, who betrayed you countless times, that you were in love with me. To protect, defend and vouch for me after he got overzealous. After he stalked me on Facebook, the time to be honest had arrived¡ªhe knew we were together. If you were truly in love with me, like you claimed you were, I wouldn¡¯t have had to feel like I needed to push you to be honest or for a promise. All you had to do was be honest with me¡ªto tell me ¡°Look Landyn, I want my kids to have the best things in life and I feel staying in my marriage gives them that¡±. Let¡¯s be honest, that¡¯s the reason why you stay with a philanderer, Anya. I may have not liked what I heard¡ªbut I needed that from you. I may have told you to think about what you told me about money and happiness, but I would¡¯ve respected you for your honesty. I would¡¯ve just left your life months ago because that¡¯s not the kind of person I could ever see myself with. The thing that bothered me the most about all I learned the last day we spoke, was that it seemed from day one you always felt that way. And if you did, how could you ever call your ¡°love¡± a unique gift? How could you have asked me to fight for you and then after I did, turn around and say to me ¡°I¡¯m married!¡±? After you told me there was no marriage? After you told me you wanted to wear my ring? I¡¯ll never understand how you fail to see the malice in that.

    Even after being betrayed, a look at her side of things marched on¡ªwanting to face the truth but unwilling to accept it at the same time. How could she have faked all those tears? Or were those tears never meant for us, but for her kids? Getting lost in her picture with Katie, she couldn¡¯t be the deceptive cruel woman that used me. Although I harbored anger for her, I couldn¡¯t completely house it yet, holding out hope she¡¯d do something to show me that I was in the wrong for feeling the way I did. I wanted my therapist to be wrong. I wanted to guarantee my mother was wrong about working on her dishonorable marriage. More than anything, I wanted to be wrong about everything¡ªI could never hate her enough to get over her. She was in every song that found its way to my ears. She was in the truffle rice I made for dinner most nights¡ªI even used the Tupperware she gave me the food in. Pieces of her surrounded me in my room, and even traces of her silky dark hair were likely still on my pillow. How could I ever hate her when so much of her still remained? She gave me the best holiday seasons I ever had by simply being in my life and the fall would never feel the same way again. How could I ever give up on all the great feelings she gave me? I could only mimic them with Vicodin if I didn¡¯t need her, but I still did. The good feelings and times we shared were so great, it trumped all the bad times we ever had. She still meant the world to me after disappearing from mine. Maybe she needed some time to realize how much I meant to her? She admitted she didn¡¯t know what she was doing on our last day before giving my personal information to Jackson, and to the people who would harm me. And of course, if she didn¡¯t know what she was doing, then how did she ever know what she felt for me was love? My heart wasn¡¯t willing to accept what my mind already knew.Did you know this story is from Royal Road? Read the official version for free and support the author.

    Believing I knew the real Anya¡ªthe one without Jackson¡¯s influence gave me hope she would reemerge from his shadow. When she said her anger would never be resolved, it gave me hope¡ªshe held onto my necklace for a reason. I didn¡¯t care what my therapist thought or my mother guaranteed¡ªthis couldn¡¯t be over. Anya would reach out then prove me wrong¡ªI just didn¡¯t know when. The love in my heart for her could not be changed even as my mind had evidence against it. It was the kind of love that made summer people fall in love with the rain. The kind of love that made one remember insignificant days of the year, like June second and November thirtieth. The kind of love that makes you feel euphoric without a pill for twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. Although it¡¯s also the kind of love that rips your heart into a million pieces making you wish you had only been hit by a bullet instead, you still fight for it when you¡¯re in danger of losing it. If I couldn¡¯t fight for a love like that, what else could I fight for on this earth?

    No doubt Thanksgiving and the thirtieth will allow me into her mind. Jackson may not allow her to choose love but he could never disallow her mind the freedom to romp. If Anya truly cared about the well-being of her children, she had to also consider her own too because they were likely affected by it. Her unhappiness had to cause discord in the home and if anything, my presence in her life brought her the peace and happiness she sought. If Anya¡¯s well-being wasn¡¯t in place, how could the well-being of her kids be? If they already believed their mother was unloving, what did she plan to teach them by staying in her marriage? By staying for the sake of the kids, she stole the most beautiful things about her from them. Did she really want her kids to believe marriages were unrealistic and a source of unhappiness in life? This is why I gave Anya such a hard time¡ªI saw the things she was either unable to or refused to see. If this relationship was all about me, I would¡¯ve loved her freely and gotten her pregnant. As much as I wanted to be with her, all I did was communicate the things she showed me every single day of our relationship. I held back because I loved her, not because I didn¡¯t. It¡¯s one thing for a parent to divorce but what would her kids think if she was divorcing because she was pregnant? The kids would¡¯ve never recovered from that. I put myself on the back burner for nearly two whole years, even seeking therapy to make things work and it all backfired in the end¡ªmaking it impossible to let go or to accept my mother¡¯s guarantee. Leaving Jackson and allowing all that made her beautiful to come to life was a great opportunity to show her kids why happiness matters. Anya wasn¡¯t giving up on her family or her marriage¡ªJackson did that the days he chose to chip her away. It shouldn¡¯t have taken Landyn Lastman in his life to change his ways. Even Jackson¡¯s friend, the doctor, who told Anya to take a chance with him, knew this has been going on far too long to stay for anyone¡¯s sake. Yet, she refused to listen to herself. I don¡¯t care who the person is, if someone fought for her the way I did, they¡¯d never quit fighting. Anya had the chance of a lifetime¡ªto have love and to show her kids what was acceptable and unacceptable in life. That if you ever made a mistake, you can correct it. That being respected and loved is more important than money. That fear and worry will keep you from the life you deserve to have. Now if Anya had cheated on Jackson if he was faithful, then there was no question she betrayed her kids by loving me. But for her to feel she betrayed her kids felt like a personal attack on me, and after all we shared and I sacrificed for her, it was something I¡¯d never understand. I thought Anya did great things for both Katie and Andrew, but I just wanted her to know she didn¡¯t need Jackson¡¯s money to get her kids to excel in life. That money wasn¡¯t the great motivator¡ªlove was. That with love in your heart, anything and everything was possible. And our love especially, was too good to be kept a secret.

    If you care about the well-being of your kids so much, I think you would¡¯ve never pursued our love, but I don¡¯t know how their well-being won¡¯t be affected if your well-being is not intact. Your well-being is more important than theirs only because it affects them as much as it affects you. Don¡¯t you see that, Anya? Don¡¯t you see why I was so hard on you? Our love was special. It wasn¡¯t a parking lot, bathroom stall or cheap hotel love. It was not something you should feel like you betrayed your kids to have. That¡¯s why I was so upset with you when you told me that. It was like you were telling me our love wasn¡¯t a good thing and how could that ever be true? You once told me every girl should experience this kind of love at least once in their lifetime. I think our love is the only kind of love every girl should experience. I don¡¯t want to be mad at you. I want to be your Landyn. Fun Landyn. Good times, Landyn. Easy going Landyn. Life is good Landyn, again. I don¡¯t want to hate you. I love you. I always will. I miss you. That¡¯s the truth.

    Vicodin kept my love for Anya alive. Whenever I felt defeated¡ªI¡¯d just reach for more. When Denise left me, the guitar turned into my best friend, now a white ten milligram capsule became oxygen to me. It also gave me the temerity to withstand checking in on Anya¡¯s Facebook account¡ªto see if she had befriended her own husband yet. After learning they still remained strangers in the Facebook world, I felt relieved. That peace would be short lived when a negative thought, or reality occurred to me¡ªit was a trap to see if I would contact her. For all I knew, the pics Katie posted on Facebook may have been pleas for her dad to come back home. The most heartbreaking scenario I envisioned was one of Katie blaming herself. That she put the pictures of her father proposing to her mother and of her and Anya together because she blamed herself for their separation. I could only hope from afar that both Katie and Andrew didn¡¯t blame themselves for a separation, if it happened at all. No doubt I had my issues with their parenting at times, but they both loved their kids to death. Anya could¡¯ve chosen a way to not expose his cheating, but he had to come clean in some way¡ªhe couldn¡¯t dance around the fact he hurt his wife for years with the choices he made. Anya also needed to come clean¡ªwe were not a roll in the hay or a one-night stand. How could she love someone the way she loved me and choose to be dishonest about it if it was love in her eyes? I guess my heart was in the way of what was truly happening over there.

    How could Anya choose to work on a marriage with a man who innately led her to two other men over the last two years? Was she, at the very least subconsciously, out to wreck other men instead of the one who intentionally abused her? Even her husband¡¯s best friend thought Jackson was a douchebag. How many lives did she plan to wreck in the name of staying for the sake of the kids? How could she allow him to do anything with or for her at this point? Whether we were together or not, Anya was better off being separated from Jackson. As long as she remained with Jackson, she was a terrible person¡ªhe brought out the absolute worst in her. If you didn¡¯t have honesty and trust in a marriage, you didn¡¯t have a marriage¡ªshe even admitted so. Jackson didn¡¯t bring out the best in her¡ªI did that. How could the man who inspired her to fall in love with other men ever bring out the best in her?

    Anya must have warned Jackson she¡¯d never pursue harassment and stalking charges against me. That this ¡°case building¡± brought on by falsehoods caused enough tension between them to start the divorce process. If she did ask him to leave, she finally did the right thing for the first time in her marriage. Telling Jackson to exit stage left would prove Anya was better than Jackson all along, and more importantly that I was wrong¡ªthe only thing I ever wanted to be about all of this. This would explain why she never returned the necklace, and if she did choose to come to me, I¡¯d be there to catch her and hold her forever. Even if she told him to leave, and she chose someone else over me, I¡¯d be proud of her for doing the right thing. If letting me go was loving me then wanting her to be with another man instead of Jackson was me loving her in the same regard. Her well-being staying intact for her kids trumped my ruined life.

    All I ever wanted Jackson to know was that there was no turning back for Anya now because she loved me forever. It wasn¡¯t right for anyone to stay in a marriage with deep feelings for someone else. It wasn¡¯t about him knowing the details of our relationship¡ªit¡¯s only about the love she had for me. Just him knowing she was in love with me was spilling the beans about the details without them being known. As much as I disliked Jackson, that¡¯s not what I wanted him to know. Our love wasn¡¯t based on sex, like his marriage was, but a mutual respect for each other. There was no need to rub his face in our love, but he needed to know the truth if he went out seeking it. This wasn¡¯t about driving him to do something he¡¯d regret¡ªhe was a father and had a lot to lose. In fact, I hoped we could get along for the sake of his children, but that was likely far more impossible than improbable. Jackson went looking for the truth because Anya refused to be honest with him. He clearly wanted to know the truth, and he deserved that much. Anya didn¡¯t deserve to feel a morsel of guilt about loving someone who honored and respected her. We still had a chance to turn this into something beautiful, and if she left Jackson the right way, I¡¯d easily forgive and forget¡ªchalking it all up to the fear of hurting her kids. I strongly believed she held on to the necklace because she held on to us still. Why would she hold onto something that reminded her that she betrayed her kids?

    The movie ¡°New Moon¡±, the second book in the ¡°Twilight¡± series we read together, opened up in theaters on November thirtieth¡ªthe same day we met two years ago. Hoping she had this information as well, I made plans to go see the movie at the theater near her home¡ªon the thirtieth day of November. If there was a chance to patch things up, especially if she did separate from Jackson, she might be compelled to see the movie hoping I might be there. She had to be holding onto my necklace because she wanted us to reconnect. When I told my mother about the coincidence of the movie ¡°New Moon¡± over the phone that evening, she convinced me that I was verifiably insane. Although I disagreed with her psychiatric assessment, it was impossible to fully discount her analysis. My mother¡¯s buzz kills came with good intentions, but I loved Anya anyway, so it didn¡¯t matter. I just hoped she was wrong as I held on to this new found hope in my heart instead of reaching for a Vicodin. With this newfound hope in my heart, the chance at a reconciliation of some kind, I reached for popcorn instead of a Vicodin.

    While reviewing one of the texts she sent me over a month ago that read ¡°Goodbye, my Landyn. I¡¯m not a bad person¡± a deep sadness swelled inside of me knowing the man she married brought out the worst in her. It made me sad to know she felt the need to tell me that. Anya wasn¡¯t a bad person, I would¡¯ve never fell in love with a bad person, but her marriage led her to do bad things¡ªand I knew she was better than that. She even told me she would never love again or be happy again. How could she expect me to think staying for the kids was the best thing to do knowing that? If she ever did the right the thing and left him to be with me¡ªher happiness was my top priority for the rest of her life. I could never deny her my arms. If she truly believed I ruined her life, I¡¯d do everything in my power to fix it for her if she left Jackson. She accused me one time of ruining her life. If she were to leave, I¡¯d make sure to repair any damage I¡¯ve done.

    As the holiday season rolled around, it brought back memories of how much fun the days up to Thanksgiving were last year. We had started reading the ¡°Twilight¡± series together and good feelings about the future surrounded us. Especially after the pregnancy scare, we became closer than ever before. Last Thanksgiving Day, with Anya¡¯s love, I felt blessed and thankful for the first time in decades. This Thanksgiving Day however, the day started off with me rolling out of bed at around two in the afternoon¡ªthe latest I had ever slept in on a holiday. Even having the gift of life, a wonderful blessing taken away from billions, I was unable to find anything to be thankful for¡ªthe greatest of tragedies. I had things people would die to have but the darkness of my depression blinded me to all the beauty around me. And whenever I sought a ray of sunshine through the darkest of tunnels, it disgusted my mother.

    ¡°Well, I¡¯m really hopin¡¯ I¡¯ll hear from her today.¡± I told her. ¡°Afterall, it is Thanksgiving.¡±

    ¡°Give it up, will you?¡± She scolded, shaking her head. ¡°She doesn¡¯t wanna be with you.¡±

    ¡°After all we shared? That doesn¡¯t make sense to me.¡± I countered.

    ¡°Nothin¡¯ will ever make sense to you until you let her go.¡± My mother stated, slapping me on the thigh with her wooden back scratching tool. ¡°No matter what you¡¯ve shared together, she¡¯s never comin¡¯ back to you. Her mind is made up and once a woman¡¯s mind is made up, it¡¯s over for them. You need to accept that and move on.¡±

    Armed with three Vicodin already in my bloodstream, there was nothing my mother could say that would shake me¡ªat least for another hour or so.

    ¡°What time is dinner?¡± I asked, deftly changing the subject.

    ¡°I¡¯m having it at four.¡± She answered, with a sigh. ¡°I don¡¯t think I can do this anymore.¡±

    ¡°Do what anymore?¡±

    ¡°All this cooking¡ªit¡¯s a lot of work. It wears me out now.¡±

    ¡°What do you need help with?¡±

    ¡°One thing I don¡¯t need is my kitchen lookin¡¯ like Yucca Flats after the blast.¡±

    ¡°Yucca Flats? What does that mean?¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t want a disaster happenin¡¯ in my kitchen.¡±

    ¡°Alrighty then.¡± I caved. ¡°I¡¯m gonna step out for a bit and do some of my CPE hours.¡±

    ¡°Don¡¯t you want to use the den, Honey? Your father started a fire downstairs¡ªit¡¯s relaxing.¡±

    ¡°Thanks, but I think I need to get out of the house for a little bit.¡±

    ¡°Okay, just be back by four.¡±

    ¡°Back by four¡ªgot it.¡± I said, throwing my laptop bag across my shoulder then kissing my mother¡¯s mostly bald head before heading out to the local caf¨¦.

    When I arrived, I couldn¡¯t leave my car¡ªmy depression kicking into overdrive. Twenty minutes later and after the redness disappeared from my eyes, I grabbed the big black binder from my backseat and headed inside the caf¨¦. After seeing my familiar black leather chair was available, I fell into it and pored over the pages, trying capture some kind of happiness. Like Linus¡¯s blanket, the monstrosity of a binder that carried my entire soul within it gave me some security. Within its pages carried the magic to transport me back to the best times of my life¡ªa life that felt decades away now. I thought Thanksgiving would¡¯ve given her an emotional excuse to reach out to me, but my phone remained as silent and still as the dead. Since it appeared she had no plans of reaching out to me, at least the text exchanges memorialized in my binder could make it feel like she did. After adding two Vicodin to the equation, I fell whole heartedly into the past without a care of the future, or the present. Seeing my mom¡¯s usual jovial holiday spirit tempered by my sadness and her own also compounded my mental anguish, but the Vicodin helped temporarily ease my disposition. With the opening of ¡°New Moon¡± on the thirtieth of November on my mind, it restored hope that Thanksgiving had taken away. Albeit small, there existed a chance to believe she still carried the same feelings I did.

    My mother and therapist couldn¡¯t be right about Anya¡ªthey were lying to get me to move on. After convincing myself Anya still loved me, and everyone else was wrong, I threw the black binder in the back seat and headed back to my parent¡¯s home to enjoy a great Thanksgiving dinner. While my mother led us in prayer, I went through the motions to make her happy but refusing to thank a false entity who gave me nothing but pain and sorrow. The only gratefulness I could muster was to thank Him for allowing me to feel love for nothing. Watching my mother struggle to eat the meal she made because of all the sores in her mouth, made me as angry at God as I¡¯ve ever been. Before leaving my mother¡¯s house, I tried to load up on more Vicodin to get me through the week. While my parents cleaned the dishes, I went in her room to look for her pill bottle, but it was nowhere to be found. When I reasoned she hid it from me like I was a junkie, it angered me. Did she not understand all what I was going through? Did she think the pain was nothing and just something that should be easily gotten over? Could she possibly understand how much effort I put into loving Anya? That I lost my career fighting for her? Didn¡¯t she know by now how much this love meant to me after holding out for nothing less? She had to know that hiding her Vicodin from me was akin to killing me. This truly became a matter of life and death. Vicodin was my only life source now¡ªAnya was not there. As these emotions drove my brain it all became clear¡ªI now thought and behaved like an addict.

    When my mother returned to her room, I made my case known.

    ¡°Hey mom, can I get some Vicodin for the road?¡± I asked.

    ¡°No.¡± she swiftly replied. ¡°You¡¯re takin¡¯ too much of it. I had a hundred pills and now I¡¯m down to twenty. Now I have to wait another week before I can get my prescription filled.¡±

    In her defense I took eighty pills from her the last time I visited. With no leg to stand, it looked like I¡¯d have no choice but to cut down so the fifteen pills I had left would last until she had her next presecription filled.

    ¡°Would you be able to spare five? I won¡¯t be able to see you for a week.¡± I negotiated. ¡°Why are you hidin¡¯ them from me anyway? I¡¯m not addicted.¡±

    ¡°Right. If you¡¯re not addicted, you¡¯re abusing them¡ªthat¡¯s why you need five for the week.¡± she said, trying to keep her voice low so my father wouldn¡¯t hear. ¡°I¡¯m hiding them because you¡¯re stealing em¡¯¡ªa lot of em¡¯!¡±

    ¡°I can get off of them, mom. I need them for my back pain.¡± I lied. ¡°It¡¯s the time of year.¡±

    ¡°Why don¡¯t you see a doctor about your back?¡± She shot. ¡°They¡¯ll prescribe them to you.¡±

    ¡°Ok, I¡¯ll do that but can you give me five for now? Just to help get me through before the next refill?¡±

    My mother looked into my eyes then sighed.

    ¡°Alright, leave the room and I¡¯ll get you five.¡± she caved. ¡°Even though your back looks fine to me.¡±

    After nodding then exiting her room, she shut the door behind me. Disappointment grew inside me after dreaming of leaving with at least fifty pills and the ability to have a decent week emotionally ended quickly. Instead, I¡¯d be getting only five pills that would likely be gone in one day with six days to go. If my life couldn¡¯t get any worse after losing my job and Anya leaving me, I now needed a pill to get through the day. I¡¯ve never needed anything but the sun in the sky to face even hardest of days, but now it was either Vicodin or the bridge. The last thing I¡¯d survive is a return to the same dark place Denise left me. Even more daunting would be going to an even darker place after losing Anya. There would be no surviving this heartbreak without hope or Vicodin¡ªand the complete denial of the most painful of truths in the eyes of my mother and my therapist. Anya holding onto the necklace, my black binder and using Vicodin to mimic the love I felt with her was all I had left in this world.

    Upon reentering the room, my mother handed me the five Vicodin as she promised. After telling her not to worry about me, I gave her a hug and thanked her for dinner. Seeing my father on the way out, I thanked him for dinner and exited the house into a crisp and cool November evening. Before getting inside my car, I walked into the backyard to stare up at the moon. I began reminiscing to happier days as a carefree child, my mother making a tent for me by hanging long white sheets from the clotheslines. Looking out at the diamond shaped grass area, I saw myself at the plate with my mother pitching to me on our makeshift baseball field. I could never hit a real baseball in the backyard¡ªeven a tennis ball would easily break a neighbor¡¯s window. My mother then came up with her most brilliant idea¡ªa sheet of tin foil she crunched up into a ball that I could hit a mile that would never break anything. She must¡¯ve spent half her earnings on aluminum foil just to keep me happy. My backyard carried a ton of fond memories, but it didn¡¯t provide a safe place anymore. Everything in life seemed mundane and dull now¡ªnothing felt the same. Even the moon didn¡¯t have the same beauty¡ªnow, just a floating rock in the sky. Before leaving the driveway on my way home, I quickly threw down a Vicodin to ease the anxiety I felt whenever I drove over the bridge now. When I needed a pill to stop myself from ending the torment, that¡¯s when I knew life would never be the same again.

    Hydrocodone became the ingredient to cope with great mental anguish my life¡¯s failures brought upon me. While people demanded me to ¡°get over it¡±, it was impossible to do with a crippled mind. It was beyond such comprehension that I couldn¡¯t even begin to describe how I felt to people. Men weren¡¯t supposed to hold onto pain, but to let it go, but I lost all the things that made me a man. Taking a Vicodin helped me to temporarily forget the things I lost so I could function, but at the end of the day, my manhood was non-existent. Worse yet, I wasn¡¯t ready to accept she was gone--that our love could come to such a horrific, beyond tragic, ending. As long as she held onto my necklace, I held strong that Jackson made her do this to us¡ªthis could never be what she wanted.

    When black Friday arrived, melancholy diffracted hope nailing me to my bed throughout the day. Staying under the sheet hoping to wake into darkness became a common theme for me over the last two months. In comparison to the year before, I would¡¯ve never believed this was ever possible. The Vicodin mixing in the blood through my veins was the only life I had left. Lying in bed wondering what it feels like to love someone so much who you¡¯re able to love freely was sheer madness. Why was it impossible for me but possible for others? It all didn¡¯t make sense. All my life, it¡¯s been either they¡¯re into me and I¡¯m not into them, or I¡¯m into them and they¡¯re not into me. Then, when I finally meet someone with the same zest for me as I do for them, it¡¯s an illusion? It seemed the only reason why she felt the same way was because she had an out. She never had to be real¡ªshe could just continue to pretend if she had to. This huge heart was now forever worthless¡ªI had nothing to offer anyone anymore. Loving Anya sapped all the hope and energy that my belief in love gave me. Like the Giving Tree, the book my mother used to read to me, I was just stump to be sat on. I gave my all to Anya and she never allowed me to love her like any lover would be able to. I was never rich or tall enough to be proud of in her eyes¡ªeven as she literally dreamt about our wedding day and wanted to wear my ring. I thought all I had to do was give her the love she always deserved, and she¡¯d find a way to leave her marriage¡ªI couldn¡¯t have been more wrong about anything. My greatest miscalculation, in a life full of them, was believing in the love she had for me.

    The following day, I escaped the dreariness of my apartment to walk around the mall as holiday shopping season began. Before I met Anya, I¡¯d go just to check out all the women, but I couldn¡¯t have been more disinterested, walking the mall like a zombie. As women passed me by, mostly affluent, I wondered how many of them lived secret lives. How many of them went out shopping on their husband¡¯s dime without any love for them in their hearts. How many of them were living a lie but hanging on because their husband wouldn¡¯t allow them to leave. When I was younger, the world seemed fair but now, why would I want any part of this? Why would I want to be with a woman who was only out to take and not to give? I refused to be one of those husbands holding on to nothing¡ªbeing merely an ATM machine for their retail therapy needs. It seemed as long as I provided financial security, I was worthy of being loved¡ªno thank you. I¡¯d rather leave this loveless world now than stay here making myself and others miserable.

    The thing that upset me about Anya is she knew my fears and went out to harm me anyway with her version of love. I never meant to break her heart¡ªI was only trying to protect mine. I should¡¯ve known better though¡ªthat her love was nothing more than a mirage. That she would use me to fill a void in her marriage. I just didn¡¯t think she had the audacity to do that knowing my fears upfront. It¡¯s like¡ªit¡¯s my world and fuck you, Landyn¡ªI¡¯ll do what I want to do. Like an entitled child, she stepped on the gas and drove right over me no matter I did to stop her. Every single day for twenty-two months I proved to her my love, while she proved she never had plans to leave her husband. She couldn¡¯t have broken my heart more than when she told me she felt she betrayed her kids. I had to be honest with myself¡ªthat didn¡¯t feel like love at all to me. She looked at our relationship like the one in the ¡°Bridges of Madison County¡±¡ªjust a four-day fling. Our relationship was two years¡ªthere was nothing brief about it. And definitely nothing deserving of its ending. She betrayed her kids? How so? By loving someone who honored, respected and didn¡¯t use her for anything? Can someone explain that to me? She betrayed her kids by staying with Jackson, not me! No wonder why Anya told me no matter what happens she had no regrets¡ªshe didn¡¯t lose anything she didn¡¯t already have. She just lost the vacation from her stressful life she found in me, but there was another dope just right around the corner, I¡¯m sure. And her kids were the perfect out¡ªone she planned to use all along. If I died tomorrow, the woman who loved me more than air, would never be there. Knowing that was the killer of my soul.

    The day before November thirtieth, my mind was all over the place. This day I focused on Jackson setting me up and how he forced Anya to hurt me. His dominion over her gave me the craziest thoughts I ever had. A part of me wanted a fight to the death because his marriage was a hotbed for bringing pain to good people. I wanted to wipe his arrogance off the face of the earth¡ªI wanted to end him then take my life. I had never considered killing another person but the thought entered my mind on this day. I didn¡¯t have firearms, or any means to kill or even harm someone else other than my fists, but I just couldn¡¯t get the satisfaction out of my head. I just wanted a one on one even if it meant my own demise. The disrespect shown to me was on a level that I didn¡¯t see could be overcome any other way. Anya¡¯s ¡°he will come after you¡± statement added fuel to my rage. What I didn¡¯t realize at the time is that he would come after me legally and not physically¡ªI wasn¡¯t prepared for that. If that¡¯s the way he dealt with conflict, then it was likely worth getting my money¡¯s worth.

    After taking a couple of Vicodin, the rage inside began to die. Killing Jackson would also be killing two innocent people who needed him and loved him. If I were to ever kill or hurt Jackson physically, I¡¯d be no better than he was. It made me mad just to know it even became a thought. My parents didn¡¯t raise a murderer and then I would be the real monster in all of this. This entire experience drove me off the edge of sanity¡ªI didn¡¯t know who I was anymore. How could Jackson believe he won anything by forcing Anya to hurt me? I was at the very least in her heart¡ªhe could never control her thoughts. The only reason she was even still there was because I forced her to be honest with him. He didn¡¯t truly love Anya¡ªhe loved himself, and it was cheaper to keep her.

    When the thirtieth arrived, I had a therapy appointment at ten that morning. The morning appointment provided me with a chance to be out of bed before the sun reached its highest point in the daily sky. After lying to Tobey about my anger lessening, she told me it appeared I was entering the acceptance stage of the grieving process. When I told her about the letter I wanted to send to Anya, she advised me not to do so. Even though I didn¡¯t think she would be supportive, it bummed me out to hear that from her.

    ¡°You were the nurturer in the relationship.¡± She told me.

    ¡°What makes you think that?¡±

    ¡°You were always more concerned with giving than receiving back.¡± She explained.

    ¡°The last day I spoke to her, I demanded something in return from her.¡± I quipped. ¡°How does that make me the nurturer in the relationship?¡±

    ¡°You did it for almost two years.¡± She countered. ¡°That¡¯s why you¡¯re the nurturer in the relationship.¡±

    ¡°In all fairness to her, I did give her a lot of grief.¡± I revealed. ¡°but, I¡¯d usually end up apologizing for it to get us back on track.¡±

    ¡°To get angry and then apologize to keep up the nurturing.¡± She said, ¡°That just so happens to be the number one trait of a nurturer.¡±

    After my therapy session ended, I walked out feeling better than when I came in then drove to the movie theater near Anya¡¯s house to see ¡°New Moon¡±. It was the same theater we saw ¡°Twilight¡± and adjacent to the bookstore we ran into each other in. As I searched for my seat in the theater, I scanned for any trace of Anya. Upon realizing I had the theater to myself I was thankful for its emptiness¡ªI had to be the only straight man in his late thirties worldwide who planned to see the movie on its opening day. Although I hoped to see Anya walking in, or already sitting there with her popcorn and diet coke when I arrived, the emptiness of the theater fit the way I felt perfectly. To watch Bella grieve after losing Edward, never left me feeling more in tune with a female character. When she gazed outside her window watching the months and seasons pass by without him in her life haunted me¡ªwas this all that remains from here on out? . After reconnecting and Edward found Bella in his eyes once again, it made me scan the theater hoping she was there with me, but life wasn¡¯t a movie.

    After the movie ended without an Anya sighting, I went inside the book store to the exact same spot where I spotted her reading a book two months ago. Unless she was wearing a cloak of invisibility, she was nowhere to be seen. Believing she would likely catch a later viewing, I got a hot green tea and pretended to look at books for another four hours before accepting the reality I wouldn¡¯t see her on the day we reconnected two years ago. As downing a Vicodin to help me cope with another day that didn¡¯t pan out the way I hoped, leaving me to wonder if this day ever crossed her mind. On my drive home, for some reason I still held out hope, believing she likely wrote me a letter to let me know she didn¡¯t forget this was an important day in her life too. Upon learning the mailbox was as empty as the theater was, an eerie sense of hopelessness consumed me like beyond anything I ever felt before. Even in my severely depressed state, I hadn¡¯t reached out to her once to try to sort out the mess I felt inside, leaving me to wonder how such emptiness could take residence inside a full heart still. While Bella, distraught by the breakup, screamed in her sleep, I did the same internally every night and every day. The only difference she didn¡¯t resort to pills the way I did, but that same black hole pulled my zest for life within it¡ªnever to be released again. My sorrow was so acute, not even several Vicodin could calm my negative emotions.

    I felt the same vulnerability for Anya as Bella felt for Edward. As a man, how could this be? While it left me to question Anya¡¯s love, it also led me to believe in it¡ªI just wasn¡¯t ready to give up on her. When things were good, and they were good more than they were bad, our love was that perfect best friend love. A once in a lifetime love¡ªa love so special it¡¯s ending wouldn¡¯t simply break a heart, but also a soul. Recalling the time Amya told me ¡°If you don¡¯t believe me, there¡¯s nothing I can do about it.¡±, even saying ¡°it doesn¡¯t matter anymore.¡± left me pleading for her to prove me wrong. I still loved her and she could convince me easily if she only tried. The fact there was no effort to even try, left me traumatized. All she had to do was nullify my mother¡¯s guarantee that she would never come back to me. Even Bella¡¯s father told her the same thing¡ªEdward wasn¡¯t coming back. When Edward did, it gave me hope that maybe my life was a movie too. That part of the story proved that parents didn¡¯t want to see their kids in pain after losing someone they loved. They only said those things to help us move on more than they believed they were true. Bella went back for Edward though, and that¡¯s what I had to do here. I had to be the one to extend the olive branch otherwise she would never appear in my eyes again. If Anya went through anything Bella did, I¡¯d rush back to take care of her no matter what the consequences were.

    That night I finished the letter, but before deciding to mail it, I reflected upon Tobey¡¯s advice not to. If the letter was purely an attempt to explain myself to her, even apologizing for my actions, then I didn¡¯t see the harm in it. If the letter was a personal attack filled with threats, then I could see her advising against it, but I still loved her. In the end, Anya couldn¡¯t trust me with her pain as much as I couldn¡¯t trust her with mine. My actions may have been reckless but were not intended to be malicious. In all fairness to Anya, she only viewed my actions as malicious because it threatened to end our relationship. If she truly loved me though, that just could never happen. I didn¡¯t want her marriage to exist or to work after a nearly two-year relationship¡ªnot after being in her life the way I was. The man that loved her saw how the marriage mostly hurt her more than anyone. She gave me all the evidence in the world to know without uncertainty that her marriage made her unwell. If her marriage was solid in anyway, knowing how much she loved her kids, would she have ever felt compelled to approach me? To call me up and set up a date to tell me about her husband¡¯s indiscretions? To invite me to Laguna Beach for the weekend? To allow another man to make love to her? To tell that man she wanted to wear his ring? Would she ever dare to hope, wish and dream about marrying someone else? Would she have ever cried uncontrollably over the phone? How come she couldn¡¯t quit me if she truly wanted to be married to Jackson? Why would she ever threaten him with divorce or leave the house at times? Would she have ever told me about escaping to Laguna Beach to feel close to me? Why couldn¡¯t she see that it was a marriage to a man who dishonored her that led her to feel she betrayed her kids? What kind of man would I be if I never allowed her time to see the truth? It was her marriage that betrayed her kids, not our love. How could any attempt by me to defend the honor of the woman I loved, be looked upon as driving her to stay in her marriage? Either way, her marriage was no good for anyone and if I was going to be the casualty of it, then I refused to accept its continued existence.

    One question I really needed to know was why her husband wasn¡¯t her friend on Facebook. It then dawned on me that the reason she hasn¡¯t contacted me was because she likely surrendered her phone to him. He probably even took her laptop away and the reason why he wasn¡¯t her Facebook friend was because it was his account, not Anya¡¯s¡ªonly set up to trap me. The best way of reaching her was to send a letter to her home since she would likely get it while he was at work. Hand delivering would¡¯ve been my preferred option, but my heart wouldn¡¯t be able to take her unwillingness to accept the letter. I just needed her to read it.

    If I never mailed this letter to Anya, I¡¯d never know if a chance still existed. I didn¡¯t believe a teenager would ever post a picture of their father proposing to their mother as a profile picture on Facebook. Something had to be wrong at home and Anya needed to know I was still there to catch her. If I was wrong about all I said in my text barrage, and I hoped I was, she remained the only one in my heart. For all she knew, Anya probably thought I moved on as if she never existed. Most men she knew easily could, but that wasn¡¯t me¡ªI truly loved her. After all the we shared, moving on was an impossibility. I never held on to disrespect her wishes, I only held on because I still loved her. Since there was no trust in her marriage anymore, Jackson likely demanded her to stay home unless she had to drive the kids somewhere. That also made it hard to hand deliver the letter¡ªit had to be sent to her home. Even at the height of our love, I never drove by her home. Even when I feared her dishonesty, I never felt compelled to follow her to see if she was lying to me. For all I knew, Jackson asked their neighborhood police official to trail her if she left the house. It wouldn¡¯t surprise me if he was ordered by Jackson to follow her when she visited me at times too. He may have even arranged it so she didn¡¯t have to leave the house at all¡ªby hiring other people to drive the kids around to keep her at home. Only her freedom was limited now and not her love for me.

    What could go wrong if I sent the letter? Could I get charged for harassment and stalking? I didn¡¯t know, but if she fought so hard for two years to keep us a secret, would she risk having to divulge all the details of our relationship? When I planned, or threatened in her eyes, to talk to Jackson, it wasn¡¯t to enlighten him on the details of our relationship, but to let him know we were in love with each other. The same way Jay Gatsby in ¡°The Great Gatsby¡± wanted Tom to know¡ªso the two people who belonged together would be together. In Anya¡¯s eyes, she saw me as the bad guy because she believed it only gave Jackson power over her. At the same time how could she have dared to pursue a serious relationship with me and allow him to have any power over her?

    I couldn¡¯t live my life with any regrets. If I didn¡¯t send Anya the letter, and took Tobey¡¯s advice, life would remain still and nothing moved without energy. While she remained in my heart, I refused to live a life in total silence. I had to know if the flame still burned inside her heart¡ªa fire I¡¯d rather be burnt by than believing it wasn¡¯t there.

 CHAPTER 23 ~ BARREN

    ¡°Turnin¡¯ circles and time again.

    Cut like a knife, oh now.

    If ya love me got to know for sure.

    ¡®Cause it takes something more this time.

    Than sweet sweet lies, oh now

    Before I open up my arms and fall

    Losing all control

    Every dream inside my soul.¡±

    ~ ¡°This Year¡¯s Love¡± David Gray

    My Dearest Anya,

    I hope you¡¯re doing well. I¡¯m sure this letter will have to be put through a shredder, so it seems like a lot of work for nothing, but doing the right thing always matter to me because you matter to me. It has been two months since I heard your voice for the last time. A voice I truly didn¡¯t listen to for the last ten months. A voice I should¡¯ve listened to. I really can¡¯t tell my dreams from reality these days. That¡¯s been my life without you, but it¡¯s a life I guess I deserve. This has been the toughest holiday season by far for me in my life because you¡¯re missing from it. I really hope the holiday season is treating you better. I never knew the rain could hurt so much when it falls, but I believe it was the rain that allowed me to see the wrong I¡¯ve done and all the pain and fear I¡¯ve put you through. I¡¯ve been working on this letter every day for the last two months, a letter evolved to what it is now¡ªmy resolved feelings. This letter was intended to show you the pain I felt by realizing you were not ¡°truly¡± in love with me because now you¡¯re gone. When I¡¯m wrong about something, I¡¯m usually the first to admit it but I just could not understand how someone could truly love me and let me go, what seemed, so easily. I had thought at the time, with no doubt, that it was plain to see I was used and misled. I¡¯m sorry it took me such a long time to truly understand your point of view and why you let me go and by doing so, I was the one who broke your heart. My realization was much like Bruce Willis¡¯s in ¡°The Sixth Sense¡±. I had to go back in my journal and re-read all our arguments and what you told me¡ªjust like when I wanted to see that movie again after its ending so I could pay attention to the signs that would have given away the ending. To see if it was true¡ªwas he really dead the entire time? The only difference between Bruce Willis and I, is that I¡¯m still alive.

    I know it¡¯s too late to change things, but it¡¯s never too late to tell someone you¡¯re sorry, especially after all the pain and fear you caused them, so I feel I owe this to you. I apologize for the length of this letter, but there are not enough words I can write, or text, or say, or even in the dictionary, to express how truly sorry I am from the bottom of my heart for all I put you through after my birthday and any time before that as well. I know I let you down big time. I could tell you ¡°I¡¯m sorry¡± a million different ways and it still wouldn¡¯t be enough to show you how sorry I really am for what I put you through. I know I have probably more to lose by sending this letter to you but I¡¯ve already lost you as my love and friend, so nothing I lose from this point on could be any worse than that. At least you will know I was wrong and to me that means more than anything. I feel so bad about my behavior that it makes me truly want to die. Not so much because I¡¯ve lost you, even though it has something to do with it, but more so because I¡¯ve hurt you terribly. The one I love most in this world. I would¡¯ve just rather lost you than hurt you in anyway. I don¡¯t carry misplaced anger anymore because it¡¯s now been replaced by a deep sense of compassion for you. This I promise forever.

    For many months, I truly couldn¡¯t understand why you felt the way you did. The thing that boggled my mind the most was that you considered me telling him a ¡°threat¡± and not an act of love. I fought you tooth and nail on this and we went back and forth. My feeling was how could you consider me telling him a ¡°threat¡± if you¡¯re truly in love with me? In my mind, I felt by calling that a ¡°threat¡± that you couldn¡¯t possibly be in love with me as much as you said you were. So, I started questioning your love and the truth. I started to believe you held onto some things I really needed to know. On Yom Kippur, when you told me you had sinned and you betrayed your kids, the hurt I already felt inside intensified to a point where I couldn¡¯t hide it or be noble for you anymore. If I wasn¡¯t listening to you before, I completely stopped listening to you after you told me that. It just really hurt mostly because you shared the lives of your children with me, and was a huge reason why I felt so much for you. However, I was really blinded by a potent combination of my hurt, your hurt and the frustration I felt of not being able to freely love you because of the ¡°situation¡±. I never thought I would truly understand why you let me go. I felt a person who was in love with me would never let me go. I was so sure I was right about the way I felt. I thought you were seriously crazy every time you were mad at me for getting upset or showing you my ¡°feelings¡±. I finally realized why you felt I ¡°threatened¡± you and why you pulled away. I finally realized I had hurt you really bad. I also finally understood why I scared you so much with my outbursts. All I thought in my mind was you thought I was on the other side of the phone in an out-of-control rage which was very far from the truth, but now I realize it was the recklessness in the words I chose to text you and how I said the things I did which gave you that impression. I was so focused on proving to you I wasn¡¯t even visibly upset and that I was just upset (hurt). Finally, all the anger, fear and pain you felt started to make sense. Now I can¡¯t understand why you would¡¯ve even wanted to still be my friend after all I had put you through and even more unbelievably, I can¡¯t believe you were still in love with me. I deserved nothing from you after I put you through all that but you kept hanging in because you kept believing this couldn¡¯t be your Landyn, the one you gave your heart and soul to, the one you risked everything for, and you were right¡ªall you received was hatred and resentment for it in the end; for just hanging in and believing in me and us, showing me a great deal of love and trust, regardless of the fear, pain and sadness you felt. I never saw this but I can see why you thought I acted just like an abusive person would to you. You became fearful to be with me not because you weren¡¯t in love with me but because I would overanalyze things, form my own conclusions and truth, and then say crazy things which scared you and further crippling our chances of ever being together. You tried to hold on to a friendship, not just to be my friend, but to save our relationship, our hope. If anything, by not being with me and by trying to be a friend, you were desperately trying to save us. You were fighting for our wishes, hopes and dreams regardless of the pain and fear you felt everyday. You were showing me how much you wanted to be with me by not being with me, and I was too blind to see it. You even felt I was messing with your heart because of this and I had no sympathy whatsoever because I couldn¡¯t understand where the pain and fear was truly coming from. You were right, I was self-absorbed. I understand your pain and fear now, completely and wholly. Your only fault was being in love with me and I punished you for it severely. I really did blow it. I really let us down. Now I see what I did to us.

    When I told you I wanted him to know about us, I never made clear what I wanted to ¡°tell¡± him. I told you one time ¡°I would just tell him everything¡±. You saw the unpredictable nature of my text outbursts and thought I was a wild card so you didn¡¯t know what I wanted to tell him and when I would. I accused you of being inconsistent with your feelings but little did I realize the only reason I felt that way was because I was inconsistent with my reactions. You were scared (because of your experiences with my outbursts) that I could probably tell him anything which would not only hurt you tremendously, but also you kids, and it would haunt you forever. To you, if what I would say was ¡°crazy¡±, you would also have to think I would do something crazy as well. I understand better now why you viewed these as threats and sadly I honestly never understood it at all until about a month ago. I had to rewrite this letter completely because of it. By thinking I wanted to tell him everything, that included the trips with Katie. The significance of those two trips was that you were responsible for her. If I had told him you were with me at anytime during those two trips, he would accuse you of ditching your own daughter to spend time with me, whether that was true or not. I truly <u>never</u> realized this until now. Anya, I was <u>never</u> going to tell him about <u>any</u> of our times together, <u>no</u> details whatsoever. I <u>truly never</u> realized your fear of this being known because it <u>never </u>crossed my mind due to me having no intentions of giving him details, so I <u>never</u> gave your fear about that any thought at all. If he knew about this, he would never let you live it down and you would have to pay for the rest of your life. You would truly suffer forever as your kids would expect you to stay and make it right for Dad and them. He would¡¯ve used this as a nuclear bomb against you and you¡¯d be trapped forever and at his mercy. He¡¯d probably threaten to tell the kids, your parents and try to paint you as a horrible mother if you were to leave so he could get custody of them not because of a great love he has for them, but because he doesn¡¯t want to pay child support. His greatest love is money. Not only was this why you felt you betrayed your kids and sinned, even though we never met in Vegas, but this is why me ¡°telling¡± him was a ¡°threat¡±. This is why you thought what I was doing was ¡°malicious¡±. This is why you felt I was ¡°harassing¡± you. This is why you called the police. This is why you were ¡°very hurt¡± and ¡°really scared¡±. This is why you felt ¡°pressured¡± and ¡°punished¡±. I cannot imagine how it must have felt to be in love with someone that you thought could do something that vicious to you. I realize now I didn¡¯t just break your heart, I shattered it. You had no idea what I would ¡°tell¡± him and it really scared you. It breaks my heart even more than it already is broken to realize what I did to you and what hurt even more is that I couldn¡¯t recognize it at the time to prevent it, or to at least tell you how wrong it was and how sorry I was. The saddest thing is that you apologized to me for what I put you through. I can¡¯t even put into words to explain how much that hurts me that you felt you had to apologize to me for that. I seriously would¡¯ve called the police too. I¡¯m really ashamed of myself. I was so blinded by my pain (self absorbed) that I didn¡¯t realize the frightening nature of the things I said when I would get upset with you. I guess if you hang around a Special Ed long enough, they tend to rub off on you eventually. You told me one time ¡°stop messing with my heart¡± and you told me ¡°unbelievable is right!!!¡±, and ¡°you¡¯ve ruined my life and my hope¡±. Then you would tell me things like ¡°Do you sit there and think of ways to hurt me?¡± and ¡°Don¡¯t you know twice is two times too many?¡± in regards to my threats. I can¡¯t believe I told you I had ONLY threatened you twice. I can¡¯t believe I told you ¡°You¡¯re going to know what the truth means and means very soon¡±. I thought you were the crazy one for feeling the way you did. Why can¡¯t she understand ME? Can¡¯t SHE see what she¡¯s doing to ME? Can¡¯t SHE see that thinking I¡¯m threatening her is not being truly in love with ME? I didn¡¯t realize how you were thinking and you had EVERY right in the world to feel threatened AND harassed. I put myself in your shoes and if you had done that to me, I would have been so pissed off at you I would¡¯ve gotten a restraining order. I would be so afraid of you, there¡¯s no way I could put any trust in you¡ªabsolutely none. Now I see why you felt I broke your trust as well and not just shook it. I acted like a monster to you, like King Kong, roaring, beating my chest and crushing cars and not really thinking how I was acting out just to get to you¡ªthinking only of myself. I had no idea you thought I was going to tell him about our time anywhere and about any intimate details we shared together but I should have known this by the way I was talking. There¡¯s no excuse. I should¡¯ve known. I acted out like a huge jerk because I thought I was the victim. I¡¯m so mad at myself for this. It was my fault because I gave you intimate details of things to you over the phone the last time we talked. I was just pointing out the depth of your love for me by telling you that. That¡¯s all, and not as a hint about what I planned to tell him. Now I see what you meant by ¡°malicious¡± and to think about what I¡¯m doing and what I had done. Now I understand your pain, fear and why you would get so angry with me when I thought all I was doing was telling you how I felt. I am so sorry for all I¡¯ve done to make you feel that way, and to put you in that position. It¡¯s completely my fault for scaring you like that. I was reckless with my words. I have no one else to blame but myself. I hurt you really bad and I am really sorry. I was too blinded by my own hurt to know what I was doing to you. I was angry but not that angry. I could¡¯ve never done that to you. If you believe one thing I ever told you, please believe that. This is the absolute truth but all I wanted to ¡°tell¡± him, and I didn¡¯t want to ever tell him, was that you were ¡°in love¡± with me and why I was in her life. I¡¯m not saying even that would alleviate your fears, but that¡¯s all I wanted him to know only because he already knew who I was for well over a year and I felt both of us were hurting too much living a lie. If he didn¡¯t know me, I never would¡¯ve considered telling him anything. I just felt if you kept denying our love to him, we would have less of a chance of ending up together. I felt the time came to be honest about it and as much as I dislike your husband as your husband, it was time to stop playing mind games with him. There was no denying San Francisco after he stalked me and got into my FB account, and if we kept on denying it further it was only going to make him even more resentful towards us if we were ever together. If we were honest, we had a better chance of being together rather than continuing to play this game for years and years. If we were ever together, I wanted us to be somewhat civil to each other because he¡¯s Katie¡¯s and Andrew¡¯s father, and I wouldn¡¯t want to deter him from being there for his kids. I¡¯d want to be respectful of their father and I felt it was now or never. I respect him greatly as Katie and Andrew¡¯s dad, even though I think he should do more than just show up for games and dance shows. I just do not respect him at all as your husband. Anyway, that¡¯s how I felt about that.

    I didn¡¯t want him to know any details about what we shared. He will never know what we¡¯ve shared. Everything we ever shared together was only between two people¡ªUs. Forever. I promise. I could never be mad enough at you to do something that cold, calculated and malicious. I understand now where you were coming from. I¡¯m sorry I didn¡¯t get it. Remember I love you. It¡¯s me. I wouldn¡¯t have been so upset about things if I didn¡¯t love you. I know he opened a FB account. I¡¯m guessing partly in the hope It would entice me to contact him and spill my guts. Tell him he might as well close it if that¡¯s what he¡¯s hoping for. It¡¯s not out of fear but only because I¡¯ve said what I had to say and he already knows all I wanted him to know. I may be younger but I¡¯m wiser than him¡ªI don¡¯t need a lawyer to defend me. If he wants to vent, he can contact me anytime and I promise I won¡¯t get him for harassment and stalking. He won¡¯t learn a thing.

    Listed below are the legal definitions according to California State Law.

    <u>STALKING</u>

    ¡°Any person willfully and maliciously, and repeatedly follows or harasses another person and who makes a credible threat with the intent to place that person in reasonable fear for his or her safety or that of an immediate family member is guilty of stalking.¡±

    <u>HARASSMENT</u>

    ¡°Unlawful violence, a credible threat of violence, or a knowing or willful course of conduct directed at a specific person that seriously alarms, annoys, or harasses that person, and that serves no legitimate purpose. The course of conduct must be such as would cause a reasonable person to suffer substantial emotional distress and must actually cause substantial emotional distress.

    I feel my legitimate purpose is stated below in your own words over the last 22 months. You don¡¯t have to read all of these, but I hope you do because I think it will give you a better idea of how I felt and why I acted the way I did. This is why I mailed this letter to you. There were 3 things that just tore me apart, why I wanted him to know you were in love with me and why I was here; these words, the agonizing thought of you being with someone else (him), and my need to show you my love. Again, I am sorry for the length of this letter.

    ¡°I don¡¯t want you to leave me¡­¡±

    ¡°You know people divorce all the time and kids are resilient. I can¡¯t promise when or how but nothing is impossible. I hurt everyday because I miss you so much.¡±

    ¡°I believe in our love.¡±

    ¡°I just want to run to you and never leave. I guess I need to control my feelings and be rational, it¡¯s for the best. I love you!¡±

    ¡°Thank you for being in my life. You always make me feel special. I love you.¡±

    ¡°I could say I love you all day long, just wish I could announce it to the world.¡±

    ¡°Yes, you¡¯re right. I¡¯m surrounded by love everyday so I won¡¯t cry you a river about how complicated my life is. But I long for our love.

    ¡°Wish I was at ¡°home¡± waiting for you. Have a goodnight baby. I love you.¡±

    ¡°These are my feelings about love. Love is selfless, patient, understanding, honest, protective, comforting, giving and forgiving. You¡¯ve shown me nothing but love.¡±

    ¡°When I say I feel safe in your arms, I don¡¯t mean from physical harm. I feel like you would never intentionally hurt me. My heart will never break if I let you in.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re such a special guy. You are so thoughtful. You truly care about what I do. You always follow up with questions regarding what is going on with me at the moment.¡±

    ¡°You are by far the most sensitive, sweet and romantic guy I¡¯ve ever met! Life with you would be like a dream.¡±

    ¡°You know the clich¨¦, ¡°Money doesn¡¯t buy you happiness¡±? I understand it. The way you make me feel, I want to have it again. I haven¡¯t ¡°felt¡± in years.¡±

    ¡°I miss u so much.¡±

    ¡°No not tonight. I¡¯m alone. I¡¯m at the Surf & Strand Hotel. Been crying all day. Came here to clear my head and to listen to the waves. I¡¯m ok.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m fine thanks. Pretty busy. I¡¯m not mad at you. Just don¡¯t know what to do. Easier for me to shut down sometimes than to hurt. I miss u.¡±

    ¡°They¡¯d probably think you were the cause. Only if they knew what kind of man you are they¡¯d fall in love.¡±

    ¡°I miss your kiss too. I miss hanging in your bed with you. I miss you pulling me back to you when I try to leave. I miss laughing with you.¡±

    ¡°I love you my best friend.¡±

    ¡°Of course I have! All day! I love it when our faces touch. I feel so close to you.¡±

    ¡°Yes it did. I do feel closer to you, more than ever. I couldn¡¯t stop kissing you. I couldn¡¯t get enough.¡±

    ¡°I wish you wouldn¡¯t. I¡¯d love it.¡±

    ¡°I love you Landyn.¡±

    ¡°Missing u.¡±

    ¡°I miss you baby. It¡¯s torture.¡±

    ¡°I want to see you everyday.¡±

    ¡°Sometimes I lay my phone on my tummy waiting for it to vibrate when I¡¯m lying down. I¡¯d put it on my chest close to my heart but it doesn¡¯t exactly lay flat.¡±

    ¡°No it doesn¡¯t sound weird. I know the feeling though you¡¯re more free to text me than I am to text you. When I wake up to see a text from you it¡¯s like a present!¡±

    ¡°I love sharing feelings with you too b/c it¡¯s mutual therefore it¡¯s safe. No judgment.¡¯

    ¡°I agree babe. Amazingly it didn¡¯t take me long to let down my guard and trust you. Didn¡¯t think I¡¯d be able to trust again.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re beautiful and perfect to me. You do ¡°dazzle¡± me babe! It¡¯s the way he loves her and takes care of her. Though he wants her, he would never hurt her. I love you!¡±

    ¡°I love talking to you when we¡¯re really close and our lips are barely touching. I¡¯ve never done that before with anyone.¡±

    ¡°Do you know you¡¯re the sweetest man alive? I still chuckle at the fact that you¡¯d watch me sleep. You must love me!¡±

    ¡°For instance, I¡¯m good with only a wooden leg or two, I¡¯d rather sleep than stay awake to watch you sleep, and I couldn¡¯t take a bullet. Ouch! Is that fair?¡±

    ¡°Really missing you to death.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re my soulmate babe.¡±

    ¡°Easy for you to say. I guess I don¡¯t need you if I don¡¯t ever need love again.¡±

    ¡°I know. You¡¯re all I know now and it¡¯s hard for me too. I long to be close to you every minute of the day. I love you.¡±

    ¡°You know it¡¯s true love when all you need is rain, candles and each other.¡±

    ¡°Btw I loved the butterfly gift bag with pink sparkly tissue paper! You¡¯re so cute!¡±

    ¡°I hope you don¡¯t think I¡¯m stringing you along. I¡¯m in love with you. I can¡¯t fake that. Idk if you could ever truly understand my position. I love you.¡±

    ¡°Missing you like crazy.¡±

    ¡°It was hard for me too. I saw couples kissing on TV and I was envious. I missed you very much.¡±

    ¡°We had a huge fight and he took off. Idk where he is off to but just in case he has your address and he shows up, don¡¯t open the door. Remember we¡¯re just friends.¡±

    ¡°He wanted to kiss me and I wouldn¡¯t.¡±

    ¡°Passionately and I wouldn¡¯t cuz made me sick.¡±

    ¡°He is not making it easy. He said he knows I have a ¡°relationship¡± and he wants me to stop it. He made me feel guilty about the kids.¡±

    ¡°He started in about what I¡¯m doing to the kids and how my family would be horrified. I denied but he doesn¡¯t believe it.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m depressed and sad.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m so sad.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m sorry I couldn¡¯t meet for tea today. I really wanted to.¡±

    ¡°I understand why you say the things you do. Thank you for being so protective of me. I know you love me. I would do the same. I¡¯m sorry you¡¯re not feeling well.¡±

    ¡°You bring me smiles and laughter. I miss all of you too.¡±

    ¡°Should be ok. He¡¯s watching me like a hawk.¡±

    ¡°The flowers were beautiful. Very thoughtful. Thank you.¡±

    ¡°I noticed the color babe. That was very thoughtful.¡±

    ¡°I felt happy the whole time! It just blows my mind how perfect we are together!¡±

    ¡°Out to dinner. Missing you.¡±

    ¡°Wish I could meet your mom. Wish you could meet mine. I¡¯m sure I¡¯d love her and I¡¯m sure you¡¯d love mine cuz we love each other. Any shortcomings would be dismissed.¡±

    ¡°Awww hun. I feel honored you feel highly of me. Just an average simple girl wanting and wishing for a simple life.¡±

    ¡°Thank u babe. U always make me feel so special.¡±

    ¡°Me too. Every time I look out the window I think of you. It¡¯s quite picturesque.¡±

    ¡°Not so bad. They¡¯re just having fun. I miss u so much.¡±

    ¡°U have to know you¡¯re the only man in my heart. I carry you around everywhere I go. I only want to be with you. I only love you. I just went to bed. Is that so wrong?¡±

    ¡°I loved eating with you! I love you!¡±

    ¡°It felt as if we were together and it was an everyday thing. So natural.¡±

    ¡°It was done out of love. I hope you¡¯re ok.¡±

    ¡°It was the best!¡±

    ¡°Yesterday¡¯s memories are still so very clear. I love hanging with you. I love you.¡±

    ¡°Thank u babe. I don¡¯t want to hurt anyone.¡±

    ¡°I know! I miss you too! It¡¯s so hard to be away after sharing so much.¡±

    ¡°I really miss u.¡±

    ¡°I love u, u know. And I always will.¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s amazing to me that you don¡¯t take anything for granted.¡±

    ¡°I know you¡¯d make a good husband. You¡¯re very special.¡±

    ¡°We¡¯d make a good team.¡±

    ¡°I just teared up. You make it impossible to stay mad at you cuz like you said, at the end of the day, you do love me.¡±

    ¡°I can¡¯t stop thinking about what you said earlier about saving for a ring and travels. I¡¯m a lucky girl to have a guy like you to love me that much.¡±

    ¡°You had me in tears all day.¡±

    ¡°I have to get back by 5 p.m. for Andrew¡¯s baseball game. Not looking forward to it.¡±

    ¡°I just found out you stay with the same team for two years.¡±

    ¡°Hate this I swear.¡±

    ¡°I think so! I¡¯m sooo happy right now!¡±

    ¡°I miss u too. I miss everything about yesterday. I miss us.¡±

    ¡°This is what impresses me every time. You don¡¯t care about what kind of shape or form. You¡¯re just happy to see me and I so appreciate that. I love you forever.¡±

    ¡°Thank you. You¡¯re my angel.¡±

    ¡°I miss u so much. I only have beautiful memories.¡±

    ¡°I know this sounds crazy. As angry as I was with you, I long to kiss you, hold you, and be in bed with you. Dying inside.¡±

    ¡°I haven¡¯t stopped thinking about today. When it¡¯s good, it¡¯s really good with only good feelings! I¡¯ve missed you so much.¡±

    ¡°Good morning babe. How r u? You know what I could use tom? I could use a long hug! How about you? I love you.¡±

    ¡°Still very touched by your thoughtful gifts! I love you forever.¡±

    ¡°I really miss you.¡±

    ¡°Just finished dinner. I¡¯m supposed to be at Andrew¡¯s game right now but I¡¯m not going. The ¡°witch¡± is there and not in the mood to go there.¡±

    ¡°Thank you for your support. You really love me, don¡¯t you? You really would do anything for me, wouldn¡¯t you?¡±

    ¡°I dream everyday, I haven¡¯t stopped missing you or loving you not even for a split second. Even when we get mad at eachother, I never stop missing or loving you.¡±

    ¡°I miss you more than you know.¡±

    ¡°You don¡¯t see me throughout the day. You don¡¯t see what I go through.¡±

    ¡°A lot of missing you.¡±

    ¡°Nothing to open up. I just miss you a lot.¡±

    ¡°Just dropped them off at the beach! Thank you for taking time off today! It was nice to see you! I love you!¡±

    ¡°You want details? I had dinner with a new salesperson yesterday and all she talked about was how she spent a romantic month in Italy and Paris with her bf.¡±

    ¡°All I thought about the whole entire dinner was going to Europe and getting lost with you for a month. Made me so happy dreaming about us.¡±

    ¡°After dinner I was depressed. I was so unsure of my life. I so want that with you.¡±

    ¡°Morning! Made it through another night. Seems like I¡¯m living day to day waiting for it to end so I can sleep it off. Just leaving to go run.¡±

    ¡°Yup! One female employee!¡±

    ¡°Use to it!¡±

    ¡°Take me to Royal Cove one day?¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re an angel.¡±

    ¡°I miss you.¡±

    ¡°I so miss u.¡±

    ¡°Ha ha! Alive? Totally safe! I promise! Just for breakfast. Frida¡¯s was sooo romantic! Of course, I missed you! They had a Mexican singer and she sang Toda Una Vida.¡±

    ¡°I soooooooooooo miss u!¡±

    ¡°Every day I like V-day for me because I¡¯m in love with you. I fantasize about putting on that cocktail dress and going on a romantic dinner with you. Miss you.¡±

    ¡°I love you so much it hurts.¡±

    ¡°I question our strong feelings. I don¡¯t know if this is normal or even healthy. I know ¡°love¡± but not this way.¡±

    ¡°I would rather die than never have you in my life.¡±

    ¡°Thanks for calling me. I feel better now. I hope that you really, truly believe that I am in love with you. You are my true love. I really believe that. I want to be with you.¡±

    ¡°Thank you, you¡¯re a bigger person than I can ever dream to be. My heart just skipped a beat! I love you with all my heart!¡±

    ¡°Soulmates, no doubt.¡±

    ¡°Thank you, baby. You spoil me with your beautiful thoughts and words. The more I fall, the more I hurt because I want to see you all the time. I¡¯ve never missed anyone this much.¡±

    ¡°Thank you. Miss u and love you too. I can¡¯t quit you.¡±

    ¡°Loved every moment from Republique falling asleep with you. Waking up to the waves crashing, banana breaks, riding in your car, and hanging at the movies!¡±

    ¡°I wish I can tell the world that you¡¯re my ¡°boyfriend¡±! I miss u and love u very much!!!¡±

    ¡°I love you more than chocolate and that¡¯s big!!!¡±

    ¡°I love you forever! Have you ever said ¡°I love you forever¡± to anyone?¡±

    ¡°Me too! Can we own it? That is our special ¡°I love you¡± to each other!¡±

    ¡°Now I know there are four things in life I¡¯m sure of: Death, Taxes, Teen lies, My love for you.¡±

    ¡°In the past 7 months, I¡¯ve loved, felt, and grown like never before. You made my life full of color and I¡¯ve enjoyed every moment with you. Hope for many more moments!¡±

    ¡°I really miss you babe.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m still very touched you came to see my daughter perform. Made me realize how much I love you.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re a very important part of my life. I love you.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m really having a hard time right now. I just miss you so much I can¡¯t handle it. I miss our closeness. Can you have tea tomorrow if I can get away?¡±

    ¡°On my way home. I want to be happy again. I only thought of you the whole time. I love you! Forever!¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re the sweetest babe! I¡¯m sooo lucky to have such an amazing guy in my life!¡±

    ¡°Hi babe! At Nobu having dinner! I was just thinking about u! That¡¯s very sweet! How I¡¯d love to have you with me on top of the world! The night is beautiful!¡±

    ¡°Never met a man like you.¡±

    ¡°Hard for me to understand that because you¡¯re the most lovable, caring, thoughtful, loving, romantic, gentle and patient man I know.¡±

    ¡°Good morning! I changed my mind. I want my ashes to be spread out on ¡°our beach¡± where the sea meets the land. Care to join me?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m so sorry. My heart is broken. Your love is such a gift. Having had that will carry me through. I¡¯m a better person cuz of you. I miss you like I¡¯ve never missed before.¡±

    ¡°I didn¡¯t pick my marriage over you. There¡¯s no marriage. I know I¡¯ve said it before but it¡¯s hard to understand a mom¡¯s sacrifice. I really did want to be with you.¡±

    ¡°If we don¡¯t end up together, I will still have my ashes scattered at ¡°Our Beach¡±. I will put it in my will. This I promise forever.¡±

    ¡°Wish you were here. I miss you.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re always there for me. I love you.¡±

    ¡°I can honestly say it was the saddest wedding I¡¯ve been to. Not because the wedding was sad, but what I felt inside. I felt helpless.¡±

    ¡°The guy my cousin married is a great guy and I¡¯m happy for them. You should have seen the way he looked at her as he promised his heart to her for a lifetime.¡±

    ¡°No doubt he is completely in love with her. They dated for almost 5 years. One of those years was a long-distance deal from Canada to Vegas.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m sooo sad right now. It was really hard. I had to leave the party.¡±

    ¡°What makes it so sad? R u serious? I want what I witnessed tonight with you! My side of the family constantly commented all weekend about ¡°how lucky I was¡± Gag!¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m so sad. I want to wear your ring. I feel helpless.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m not well right now.¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s ok. I just can¡¯t stop crying. I just love you very much.¡± If you spot this story on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

    ¡°I¡¯m having the time of my life with you in my life!¡±

    ¡°After homework and dinner, helped Andrew sell and buy stocks last nite. You won¡¯t believe it but I went to bed at 9. I just didn¡¯t want to feel sad anymore so I slept.¡±

    ¡°You always know how to touch me. That got to my core. I love you.¡±

    ¡°I know I can¡¯t see you during the week and this weekend is my running weekend. Can I see you for tea on Saturday morn? I miss u very much.¡±

    ¡°Chivalry is not dead! You¡¯re a perfect gentleman and I think it¡¯s sweet. I love that about you.¡±

    ¡°I love you too. I miss your bed. I miss kissing you. I miss being in your arms. I miss your scent. I miss your eyes. I miss your face. I especially miss your arms.¡±

    ¡°Two peas in a pod! Such a clich¨¦ but this time it truly has meaning.¡±

    ¡°Haven¡¯t stopped thinking about our afternoon. You make me happy. I miss you very much.¡±

    ¡°Days get harder to get through now more than ever. I feel so close to you. It¡¯s such a great feeling to be in love with you. Intoxicating.¡±

    ¡°¡°Window ring dreaming?¡± Awww babe. I love that you tell me that. I wish¡­we do have the greatest time together! We are one for sure!¡±

    ¡°Just want you to know you¡¯ve changed my life forever. It has been the best 10 months of my life. True love does exist. You made me a believer. I¡¯ll watch the game with Andrew.¡±

    ¡°That was beautiful babe. Thank you. That makes me sad when you say you¡¯re not my everything. You¡¯re my everything in many ways.¡±

    ¡°I love you very much. You¡¯re the only man in my dreams.¡±

    ¡°I wasn¡¯t out looking for you. I fell in love with you. I want to be with you. I¡¯m scared to death; I don¡¯t want to hurt anyone. I will always love you.¡±

    ¡°I love you and yes I want to be with you. I dream of it every day and have real thoughts about telling my husband.¡±

    ¡°You want the truth? Here¡¯s the truth. The truth is I was betrayed. I¡¯m not happy but I¡¯m there for the kids. Cheating is not rampant. Money does not equal happiness.¡±

    ¡°Thank you. I know it is. My stomach is in a knot. Mind is foggy. Can¡¯t seem to catch my breath. Teary eyed. I guess I¡¯m a mess too.¡±

    ¡°Good morning. How r u? Hope you had a nice evening. Walked in the rain again this morn. Naturally thought of you. Having a hard time. I really miss you.¡±

    ¡°It just loses its freshness, that¡¯s all. I miss you terribly.¡±

    ¡°I know babe. It¡¯s all about tea, soups, books, rain and cuddling. All the things we like!¡±

    ¡°I know but I can¡¯t complain cuz I don¡¯t work full time and it¡¯s just my assumed role. Sorry for venting.¡±

    ¡°I know I make some noise sometimes.¡±

    ¡°Thx for understanding. I hauled ass today and haven¡¯t stopped driving since 3:30 and won¡¯t be done until baseball is over at 8:30. Gets old!¡±

    ¡°I just think maybe helping with one way or two would take a great load off my back especially this rain! OK I¡¯m done. Sorry.¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s pretty typical. I work out at 5 so I can stay looking decent and work all day till pick up. Then I have to handle homework and dinner in between!¡±

    ¡°He does play catch and practice with him, just not enough. I¡¯m not protecting him and defending his actions. I¡¯m protecting my kids. I don¡¯t want to fight anymore.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m thankful for your support and love.¡±

    ¡°I miss u too. Sad.¡±

    ¡°Thinking of you.¡±

    ¡°Missing u terribly. Eyes are heavy. Want to cry,¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m always with you in some shape or form.¡±

    ¡°You don¡¯t even know how much I miss you.¡±

    ¡°Lonely without you.¡±

    ¡°I want to cry I miss you so much.¡±

    ¡°I love you so much. Dying inside.¡±

    ¡°I guess never say never. That¡¯s all I have to hang on to. It¡¯s my hope.¡±

    ¡°Thank you for loving me. Goodnight. I love you.¡±

    ¡°Passed out early from drinking and exhaustion but got up super early and couldn¡¯t go back to sleep. Can¡¯t imagine life without you.¡±

    ¡°I miss you. I miss us.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m so sorry. My heart is so broken. I miss you so much.¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s because you¡¯re a noble man.¡±

    ¡°I miss you every second and I will continue to miss you every second and will never leave me. Sorry.¡±

    ¡°It makes me cry a lot. I miss you.¡±

    ¡°I love you too. Makes me sad to think that one day you will stop writing about me. Makes me cry.¡±

    ¡°Can¡¯t stop crying. I¡¯m so sad.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m just So sad.¡±

    ¡°You made me fall in love with life again except don¡¯t feel so alive right now.¡±

    ¡°Still missing you so much.¡±

    ¡°I miss you to death too. Idk, I have good days and bad days. I don¡¯t have anything of yours to hold onto. Not even a picture. I read my saved texts when I¡¯m sad.¡±

    ¡°I miss you like crazy. I want to see you so bad.¡±

    ¡°I miss looking into your eyes too. I miss everything.¡±

    ¡°I really love you.¡±

    ¡°I miss you more!¡±

    ¡°You¡¯ve done nothing but to support me.¡±

    ¡°I love you forever. Please have me as a friend. I want to keep in contact. I don¡¯t want to lose you. You¡¯re my best friend.¡±

    ¡°I just broke down in front of my family. They don¡¯t know why and I didn¡¯t explain. I feel so lost. I¡¯m sorry you¡¯re going through this.¡±

    ¡°I know. Thank u. It¡¯s so hard. I so want to see you and hold you again. I can barely see my screen as I type b/c I can¡¯t stop tearing up. I love you. Thank you for being there.¡±

    ¡°I love you very much. My soulmate.¡±

    ¡°I do because I love you forever and we¡¯re one.¡±

    ¡°I think it was sweet of you. I¡¯ll never forget it! No one has ever asked me to play a board game on a ¡°date¡±. You¡¯re the cutest ever!¡±

    ¡°Goodnight baby. I miss you terribly.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re here for a reason. The world would be a better place if more people were like you.¡±

    ¡°I want to fall asleep in your arms again. It felt so natural. I felt so safe in your arms.¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t trust him. I¡¯m not in love with him. You call that choosing over you?¡±

    ¡°I miss you so much. Lovesick I am.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re my BF, my soulmate, my love¡­¡±

    ¡°I used to ask my husband for years to please take me to a book store after dinner to hang out for fun. We¡¯ve only been two times together in 21 years. Hard to believe.¡±

    ¡°Idk why I thought of that. Maybe cuz I go often and I think about how much we have in common. I don¡¯t think I¡¯d have to beg you to take me to a bookstore.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m ok. Just know that I live and breathe you. U r close to my heart at all times. I will miss you every second. I love you forever.¡±

    ¡°I understand. I feel the same way from the other side. If I said I was dating a man to the relatively ¡°normal¡± public, they would look at me like I¡¯m crazy.¡±

    ¡°They don¡¯t know my reasons why¡­¡±

    ¡°My nephew announced his engagement yesterday and I admit I was envious. I was happy for them but bummed me out at the same time. They seem so happy.¡±

    ¡°He is 22 and she is 24 with a child. The ex left her and the child. They are so in love. I couldn¡¯t look at her ring b/c it truly represented love.¡±

    ¡°I want to wear your ring.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m just so sad.¡±

    ¡°I miss you so much.¡±

    ¡°Ha! I love it! I just meant it wouldn¡¯t matter what it was made out of. I would just love to wear something of yours.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m touched. I¡¯m so in love with you.¡±

    ¡°I agree. It¡¯s totally disrespectful to check out somebody in front of the partner. ¡°

    ¡°Pretty much. I¡¯m emotionally taken by you.¡±

    ¡°No. They (the kids) usually don¡¯t ask unless I¡¯m upset or crying. I try to keep a happy face on for them. You can¡¯t fault me for that.¡±

    ¡°Ok, I¡¯ll tell you where I was coming from. I met my husband when I was 19 and insecure. He always checked out other girls and I just thought that was normal.¡±

    ¡°He checked them out in front of me and I accepted it b/c I didn¡¯t want to be a nagging girlfriend. He never actually flirted but I did feel insecure b/c of that.¡±

    ¡°I just thought that was normal behavior b/c other guys do the same with me when they are with their partners. Of course, I don¡¯t feel insecure anymore but it did suck.¡±

    ¡°Thank u babe. I agree that it was totally disrespectful and I resent it!¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s very nice babe. I don¡¯t feel insecure anymore. I simply don¡¯t care. I miss u babe.¡±

    ¡°I miss u so f***in much! I¡¯m so sad. Sorry goodnight again. I love you.¡±

    ¡°Idk if you remember, but you told me once that holding my hand, kissing, holding me, or just seeing me holds the same weight as making love to me.¡±

    ¡°You have no idea how much that has touched me. I don¡¯t want to get into details but that just shows me you love me no matter what.¡±

    ¡°I miss u like crazy. I¡¯m sad again babe.¡±

    ¡°Sorry big fight tonight. I¡¯m fine. I¡¯ll tell u tom. Goodnight.¡±

    ¡°I can¡¯t help the fact I¡¯m no longer in love with him. He chipped away at my heart for years. I¡¯ve been hanging on for the kids. I have a lot of anger.¡±

    ¡°I know what you mean. I feel everything now too and can¡¯t help but think of you when I listen to love songs or watch romantic movies.¡±

    ¡°I used to cry for the characters in the movie but now I cry b/c I feel for us.¡±

    ¡°If we were together, I believe we would last forever too. Yes, I have fear b/c I was betrayed and it¡¯s hard to believe it would never happen to me again. Idk why.¡±

    ¡°Knowing what I know about you now, I have no doubt that you would never do that to me. Our love is mature and that¡¯s what I love about it, no games.¡±

    ¡°Trusting your love is the easy part¡­¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re right in that it¡¯s wrong for a married woman to be cheating no matter how you justify it. I need to leave first before I see you and since I¡¯m not ready, where do we stand?¡±

    ¡°Thank you for being my best friend. You¡¯re my best friend too. You¡¯re not responsible for how I feel about my situation. It¡¯s just the way it has been and still is.¡±

    ¡°The best day ever!¡±

    ¡°We had three mini dates! We were perfectly happy just to meet! How lucky we both are to have found something so beautiful! I love you!¡±

    ¡°Me too. I love that our feelings for each other are so mutual. I think you felt every bit of happiness I felt each time we got together on Saturday. It was precious.¡±

    ¡°It was! I had the best time! I love you Landyn!¡±

    ¡°Just hugged Suki, wishing I was hugging you.¡±

    ¡°Glad you had a good day! Suki is sick of me! She tried to get away a couple of times but I wouldn¡¯t let her. Poor baby Suki. I miss you babe.¡±

    ¡°I would love you so much you would get sick of my closeness!¡±

    ¡°There must be something about Seattle. I wonder why Seattle is mentioned so many times in movies and songs. Would love to visit and find out.¡±

    ¡°I imagine Seattle to be a romantic city.¡±

    ¡°I want to go to Seattle with you.¡±

    ¡°I know it makes me sad. And mad.¡±

    ¡°Good morning! Idk if I can say I¡¯d die for you because of my children. If I only had you I¡¯d feel differently. It¡¯s not that I¡¯m a girl, it¡¯s that I¡¯m a mom.¡±

    ¡°I hope what I said doesn¡¯t bum you out. It¡¯s just the way it is. I¡¯d sacrifice anything for my kids. This doesn¡¯t mean I don¡¯t love you to death. You¡¯re my hope¡­¡±

    ¡°You can count on me for a kidney as long as my other kidney will sustain me to take care of my kids.¡±

    ¡°Light rain baby.¡±

    ¡°I love you!¡±

    ¡°It was nice to see you yesterday. I always feel like you¡¯re holding back. True?¡±

    ¡°Why scared?¡±

    ¡°I think it took a lot for you to open up to me and I was touched. Thank you for talking to me. You should know me by now. I love all of you.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m glad you shared and got it off your chest. Don¡¯t be embarrassed. I love you and it doesn¡¯t bother me at all.¡±

    ¡°I feel empty.¡±

    ¡°You haven¡¯t left my mind.¡±

    ¡°I know you¡¯d never hurt anyone. Your heart is pure.¡±

    ¡°I know I said I didn¡¯t want to talk to you right now. I haven¡¯t stopped loving you and caring about you. I¡¯ve been crying all day. Don¡¯t text me back, just hope you¡¯re ok.¡±

    ¡°Thank you, I appreciate that. Yes, I have to be there for her. I won¡¯t get into what upset me so much. Just know that I love you very much and I know you¡¯re my soulmate.¡±

    ¡°Good morning. Thank you for the texts. It is very sad but for the best. I feel hollow.¡±

    ¡°I miss you very much.¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s me. Just want to say hi and you¡¯re in my thoughts 24/7. Don¡¯t text me back ¨C too hard.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re my best friend too. It hurts.¡±

    ¡°I asked Andrew what he wanted for his Bday and he said ¡°my family¡± looking right at me with big brown eyes. I don¡¯t expect you to understand but what is a mother to do?¡±

    ¡°Thank u. I appreciate that. This is the Landyn I fell in love with.¡±

    ¡°Sorry got busy and didn¡¯t get home till after midnight. Wiped out. I didn¡¯t realize you felt that way about my kids. You love the complete me. You¡¯re a special man.¡±

    ¡°You never leave my mind.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m sad. Still crying. Can¡¯t help it. Have to clean up before I see my Dad.¡±

    ¡°The thought of never speaking or seeing you ever again in this life time is beyond scary.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m crying. I can¡¯t help it.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re a beautiful person. I hope you learn to love yourself b/c there is no other like you. You¡¯re very special and I¡¯m thankful.¡±

    ¡°Babe you have sooo much going for yourself ¨C looks, smarts, personality, kind heart, profession! It¡¯s my loss.¡±

    ¡°Good! I¡¯m ok just leaving to visit a friend in hosp. I know it¡¯s too soon but I was kinda hoping you¡¯d go to SF this weekend. Not trying to mess with your head.¡±

    ¡°It was nice to be in your arms again.¡±

    ¡°I miss you more than ever. Haven¡¯t stopped thinking about our weekend, especially dinner. You looked so cute and I loved having dinner with you.¡±

    ¡°This is a very hard time for me. I struggle b/c we¡¯re not together and I miss you so much. After your texts on Sunday, I swore to myself that I couldn¡¯t talk to you.¡±

    ¡°My bad feelings after your texts just melt away when I think of our weekend. I don¡¯t know what to do. It¡¯s like I¡¯m on the fence and anything can set me off.¡±

    ¡°This is the hardest thing I¡¯ve ever been through.¡±

    All these words that came from you over nearly two years, I feel, are my legitimate purpose and provide proof there is absolutely no threat, nor was there ever a threat made to you or anyone else that would make them feel a fear for their safety. I know you told me that ¡°I¡¯m going to stay so why tell him?¡±. These words from you, your very own, are the reasons why. I¡¯ve not only read and heard these words everyday for nearly two years, I¡¯ve felt them too, and I believed every one of them completely. You told me these things for a reason, and I fell deeply in love with you because of them. All these words together, all the tears you and I have both cried, all the happiness our love brought us, and all the times we shared together, added up to far greater than anything else you could¡¯ve ever told me on the last day we communicated with each other. All the moments I ever shared with you were simply the best times of my life by far because of you. All the good times stand out above all the bad times to me because they were the best times of my life. Not only were you my love and my best friend, you¡¯re also a wonderful mother. I¡¯m sorry, but I am in love with you. What came with my love, part of the deal, is caring about your happiness and I knew you were the happiest when you were with me. You told me you¡¯re happy when your kids are happy, and I truly know you mean that, but I feel being and staying in your situation would not allow you to truly feel that way because there was happiness missing from your life when I met you. You cried on the phone the last day we spoke for a reason¡ªI feel it was pure sorrow. You even told me you would now ¡°suffer forever¡±. Not only are you unhappy but you even described it as ¡°suffering¡±. After all you shared with me, all you ever gave me, and all you ever told me, I had to fight for your happiness because I knew you would be too scared to fight for it yourself. You asked me one night if I would fight for you, and when I told you I would, I meant it. I feel you told me this because you knew (1) you would let fear of the unknown make your decision for you. (2) he would ¡°fight¡± as well. It¡¯s why you¡¯re still there. I feel you were severely unhappy to fall in love with me because I know your heart is always in the right place. I feel it¡¯s been in the right place for 12 years too long though. I just could not be trusted with the things that hurt you simply because I love you. Just like I could not trust you with my pain, and the things that hurt me because you love me (you would let me go). You couldn¡¯t trust me with your complaints because I love you. If you complain of chest pains, and tell me about it, I¡¯m calling 911, not remaining in silence to protect a lie. I saw your marriage hurt you and it hurt me to see you hurting. It was simply the reason why I was in your life. It hurt me to hear you say ¡°I hate my life¡±. It hurt me to hear you say ¡°I¡¯m so sad¡±. It hurt me to hear you say ¡°I miss you terribly¡±. It hurt to hear you say ¡°I feel so helpless¡±. It hurt to hear and see you cry. It hurt to hear you say ¡°I feel sick to my stomach¡±. It hurt to see you take a long trip just to spend 20-30 minutes with me just so you could feel a little bit of love and happiness in your life. It hurt me to know you were at home stressed and managing the household while he was at work on the internet trying to find ways to end your ¡°everything¡±, and your ¡°happiness¡± believing your unhappiness and a need to feel truly loved was a great injustice to your kids. It hurt to see you drink your hurt away to deal with the pain. It hurt to see you pretend. It hurt to see you struggle. It hurt to hear you say ¡°I¡¯m just a simple girl wanting and wishing for a simple life¡±. It hurt to see you going to sleep early and shutting down on everyone just so the day would end as soon as possible. It hurt to see you not look forward to and truly enjoy Andrew¡¯s baseball games because of the ¡°witch¡±. It hurt to see you stressed out. It hurt to see a wonderful person and mother being watched by him like a hawk. Your pain became my pain as well. I hurt, you hurt. You hurt, I hurt. That never changed no matter what we went through together. My feelings for you and my desire to be with you only grew stronger because of the pain you felt by not being with me, made me hurt as well. I didn¡¯t want those things for you, especially for anyone¡¯s sake and I simply could not support a marriage that hurts you because I truly love you. I care about your present and future well-being. I feel for the most part this has been a 12-year struggle of unhappiness for you. I felt if you were truly happy, your kids would only benefit from it. If I didn¡¯t know and feel so much, I¡¯d probably feel differently. I feel all the things you told me, including painting a bad picture of him to me, was a cry for understanding and I wasn¡¯t serving my purpose being in your life by just sitting on the sidelines hoping to be put into a game I¡¯m already in, knowing day in and day out, you¡¯re hurting. ¡°Suck it up¡± in a workout for an hour after a workout is one thing, but having to ¡°suck it up¡± for an entire lifetime is extremely unrealistic and grossly unfair. I feel no one should have to ¡°suck it up¡± in a marriage considering what you¡¯ve been through. How could you expect me to want that for you for the rest of your days when I¡¯m truly in love with you? I just feel there¡¯s the general unhappiness that people can live with, and then there¡¯s the unselfish unhappiness that I feel is unhealthy due to anger you refuse to resolve¡ªand shouldn¡¯t have to resolve because of his betrayals. I was protective of you at all times and still am. All because you¡¯re a ¡°mom¡±, doesn¡¯t mean you¡¯re not important and not deserving of all the happiness in the world, too. In fact, I feel a mother is the most important person in the family because a mother needs to hold love and happiness in her heart, not carry anger and resentment, because of her role as nurturer since the very day her children are born. I knew and felt too much from you to want this kind of life for you. I wanted you to enjoy life again. I dreamt of it. I dreamt of helping you clean up around the house. I dreamt of taking the kids places so you wouldn¡¯t have to. I dreamt of playing catch with Andrew and taking him to the cages. I dreamt of helping them with their homework. I dreamt of helping you cook, although I must admit this probably would create more work for you. I dreamt of helping you with the shopping, not the buying part, but the carrying part. I dreamt of helping you manage the properties. I wanted to save you from killing yourself so you had more of yourself to give to others, including your kids, family (your mom, dad and brothers) and to yourself. You matter too because you mattered to me more than anyone ever has. Those were my wishes, hopes and dreams as much as the fun things were. I dreamt of helping you in every way you wanted me to help in order to make a better life for you. I feel if you had me in your life, you would¡¯ve been able to concentrate on everything else better. Wanting to be with you was not asking you to give up your kids for us, but just asking you give up the reason and source of your unhappiness¡ªyour marriage to him. I wanted you to not just like where you¡¯re at in life, but absolutely love where you¡¯re at in life. Life is too short and all the money in the world could never be enough to buy lost time. I didn¡¯t feel that a mother wanting and having a better, less stressful life was being selfish or an act of betraying your kids because you were betrayed and it greatly affected you. I want you to live long enough to enjoy your grandkids one day. There are people who should feel selfish and who should feel like they¡¯ve betrayed their kids due to their transgressions, like Tiger Woods, but I feel I was all the evidence in the world that this was a need because of how you feel and what you¡¯ve been through. If anything, without our problems, I¡¯m certain our love would have made you a better mother because it made you a better person. Please don¡¯t hate me for falling in love with you and caring about your happiness. I know you don¡¯t trust me after what I¡¯ve done to hurt you, but from all the tears you have cried and all the ¡°I miss you¡¯s, ¡°I love you¡¯s, and the ¡°I hate my life¡¯s, I heard over nearly a 2 year span, I just couldn¡¯t walk away from that because I knew you weren¡¯t letting me go for yourself but only because you feel others would be disappointed in you. The problem is they don¡¯t know your struggle, but I do. I believe by being with me and telling me the things you did, you created a crisis in your marriage so you could have a way out. You chose the right guy for that, a guy who respects the pain in your heart because he¡¯s been there too. If nothing else, I feel that was my purpose in your life and I wasn¡¯t doing you any favors by just quietly walking away. I wanted to see you happy in your life because this was not about being selfish but fulfilling a need (See Maslow). If I thought your kids would suffer in this life, I would¡¯ve never fought for it or wished for it too, and neither would you have shed a single tear over it. If he didn¡¯t know who I was and he never betrayed you, I would¡¯ve walked away from this even after nearly 2 years because from the beginning I knew the true score, but how could I possibly do that after all I heard, knew and felt? How could I just walk away? No one¡¯s wife, especially someone I love dearly, should be going through what you go through every day. I think you would¡¯ve done the same for me. I wanted that simple life for you. I felt living the way you live everyday was over and beyond a mother¡¯s sacrifice. He promised to ¡°honor and cherish¡± you forever¡ªfrom all I know, he didn¡¯t even come close. This wasn¡¯t about him being a bad person. I know he¡¯s not a bad person. This was about him being a bad husband. I may be loyal to a fault at times, but I could not sit here and just let him manipulate you into thinking you¡¯re a bad mother and that you betrayed your kids because you fell in love with someone who truly honored you with no hidden agendas. I truly love you for YOU. I would be faithful and respectful to you, not because of a growing business or jointly owned properties or a campaign run, but because I love you for YOU. All I would need from you was your love. That¡¯s why you are in love with me forever. That¡¯s why I¡¯m the only one who can use the word ¡°beautiful¡± to describe you and it meant something. I feel he has marketed and branded your marriage for business purposes to people and not for love. I believe that¡¯s what your marriage really is and it¡¯s why you fell in love with me, an idealist just like you. That is why you were drawn to me. There were no strings attached with my love. You wanted something real, with no hidden agendas and client dinners. It was a special bond and friendship founded on mutual respect, love and trust. Three fundamental things you were promised when you agreed to marry him. God would¡¯ve never given us our brand of love if it was a bad thing. Regardless of your situation and two kids, God sent you to me, me to you and our love to us because it was pure, good and right. I couldn¡¯t just walk away especially with him knowing you and I had a ¡®relationship¡±. He took the initiative to find out who I was, which was fine, I understand, he''s trying to protect his assets (something I could care less about), but I couldn¡¯t let him have the audacity after what he has put you through to make you feel guilty about this in anyway. I feel you¡¯ve been honest with him about the way you felt. You told him you were no longer in love with him. This was bound to happen and if anything, I feel, he should feel guilty for knowing this as long as he did and letting it manifest itself into what it is today. He could tell you he loves you all day long, but that¡¯s not being in love with someone after you¡¯ve cheated on them. I feel he¡¯s just acknowledging it¡¯s ¡°cheaper to keep her¡± and I know you know that. How could I possibly want that for you and support you to stay after all I know and all I feel? I wanted you to have a love that¡¯s real for the first time in your life. You fell in love with me for the right reasons because our love was true and you were supposed to be given that from him. If anyone has betrayed their kids, he did. He was responsible for the way you felt and he allowed you to feel the way you did. In this life, your thoughts eventually become your actions. In my humble opinion, he was the one who truly betrayed the kids and I wasn¡¯t going to let him make you carry the guilt because you loved someone who truly honored, loved and respected you. He had no right to make you feel guilty about our love. He could try to get me for harassment and stalking because I know he would lose. This was love and not a physical obsession or a ¡°fatal attraction¡±. I¡¯d take a bullet for you still and that¡¯s just a loving protective gesture, and that¡¯s as fatal as it gets. Our love was the real deal and he would make a huge mistake if ever tried anything litigiously. I really believe him and his lawyer would be laughed out of the courtroom by the judge. It¡¯s just a ¡°scare¡± tactic he¡¯s using to try and get more information out of me to use against you so he can trap you forever if you ever did try to leave just to pursue happiness, and I would never allow that to happen. I just don¡¯t want you to worry about anything. I¡¯d rather people call me a ¡°home wrecker¡± and pass their judgments down on me than have someone say anything bad about you. They can say what they want and think about me. I¡¯ve spent most of my life proving people wrong. I know my heart was in the right place because it was with you. What we shared was wholesome in this situation and something you needed and deserved. I would never allow him to make you look bad in anyway. I know what his FB account is all about and I¡¯d never give him that power. Those are the things you could always trust me with. I know what having our love meant to you. I had felt it and seen it many times. You are too loving and too good of a person to hold anger and resentment in your heart for anyone, especially for someone you reside under the same roof with. My birthday taught me all I needed to know about the goodness of your heart, how much you loved me, how much I meant to you, and what he¡¯s done to make you feel the way you do. I want you to feel love in your heart forever even if I¡¯m not the one you love and that hurts a lot for me to say. As much as I wish it was me, I truly believe the Universe brought me in your life to get all the love and beauty out of you to feel someday. You are the most loving person I know and I don¡¯t want Katie and Andrew to think you¡¯re unloving in any way. I feel it¡¯s important for them to know their Mom is one of the most, if not the most loving person in this world and her heart is one of the very few things right in a world that is so wrong most of the time. I don¡¯t think the Universe would have brought me, of all people, in your life, make if feel so right under the circumstances, and allow you to fall in love with me unless it was a good thing and unless it was the right thing regardless of the circumstances. I strongly believe this.

    I know you think I¡¯m this angry person who did things out of malice but I had absolutely no intention whatsoever of sharing any intimate or specific details about us with him. All I wanted him to know from me was (1) why I was in his life and that (2) you were in love with me. When you told me everything that went down, all I asked you was ¡°Did you tell him you were in love with me?¡±. You said ¡°Yes, I had to¡± and that was really all I wanted him to know. I know I sound like a broken record, and maybe even nails on a chalkboard, but I don¡¯t know where to begin or how to say how sorry I am for all the things I said that brought you anger, fear or tears. I was extremely hurt, confused and overwhelmed with feelings I¡¯ve never felt before. The pain and hurt was so great at times, it felt like someone was stabbing me. When someone stabs you, you tend to yell and not ask why you¡¯re getting stabbed. I was blinded by it and I reacted negatively. I never realized how complex the emotion of love in this situation could be. My past experiences with women certainly didn¡¯t help much that¡¯s for sure, and I¡¯m sorry I never sought therapy for those residual anger/betrayal/trust issues of mine I unknowingly still held until we started having problems understanding each other. The therapy sessions have helped me tremendously. That¡¯s why this letter could not be an attempt to ¡°get back together¡± unless you were to leave. I¡¯ve come too far to hurt that much again even though I love you more than I ever did. I know I didn¡¯t act normal at times but I hope you can please recognize this was not a normal situation. If we didn¡¯t have such strong feelings of love for each other, we wouldn¡¯t have been so angry at each other. You had every right to be mad at me. There¡¯s nothing that you could say that would make me feel better either because I know you¡¯d just say it was ok so I wouldn¡¯t feel bad. I just really wished I had been able to really listen to you, the way you needed me to, but it was impossible at the time. I should¡¯ve known your heart was always in the right place¡ªit always has been. The bottom line is this, it was impossible for the situation of great restraint to contain all our feelings for eachother to stay together. If it was a purely physical relationship based on lust instead of love, I think it could have survived within the situation, but it was love. The situation just would never allow us the time we needed to freely communicate to where we both could feel safe and find the comfort we needed in order to resolve how we were feeling. We both live busy and stressful lives. I just had more time on my hands when I came home from work. I couldn¡¯t really talk to you when I needed to because of the kids so any bad feelings I held onto, I would have to wait for an appropriate time to discuss with you and by the time I did, they were so great and painful, I would say ridiculous things to you. I know it was tough on you, too. You really did an incredible job dealing with me. I have to give you a lot of credit for that. I know I told you ¡°what makes you think I want to be with you now?¡± the last day we spoke on the phone but it was a lot of hurt talking. I¡¯m sure you probably feel that way about me but just know I will always want to be with you. The only time we felt safe with each other was when we were together or somewhere close enough where we could be together if we wanted to. It became a need to love you. You became a need in my life. I couldn¡¯t live with you being and staying with him because of all I knew. I just couldn¡¯t be trusted with the things that have hurt you, and that¡¯s the truth only because I love you. I hope one day you will understand. You could make fun and belittle my broken heart all you want but it wasn¡¯t your typical broken heart, but a broken soul. We shared a special love and bond. There were so many wishes, hopes and dreams. You were the best friend I ever had and you were the only one who ever truly loved me. I have literally dreamt of meeting someone like you my entire life and I actually met someone better. I fell in love with your kids, Suki, and your mother, even though I wasn¡¯t strong enough emotionally to get the honor of meeting them. I fell in love with Carolyn and Debbie too. For me, this was much more than just losing you. I also fell in love with everything around you as well however I wouldn¡¯t have wanted you to be with me because I was hurt. I would¡¯ve only wanted you to be with me because you were truly in love with me and truly wanted to be with me, and that¡¯s why I let my masculine pride get in the way. I never wanted to give you any pressure whatsoever or even the slightest guilt, but over time it became something I couldn¡¯t stop, just like us falling in love. I really tried to not let your indecision about us affect me, but it did. I really tried to let it roll off, and continue to be noble, not just for you but also for your kids, but it overwhelmed me. In the movie, ¡°The Time Traveler¡¯s Wife¡±, she was mad at him because he kissed her which made her fall in love with him. She was mad at him because she didn¡¯t know he was going to die, and leaving her alone in agony one day. He knew this information and chose not to tell her. When she realized he did know, she got very angry with him for it, but he countered with ¡°It was your choice¡±. She then told him ¡°No. I didn¡¯t have a choice¡±. That¡¯s exactly how I felt about us. The day you looked into my eyes with all the love in the world, the night our lips truly met for the first time, and the day you told me everything about your unhappiness, I didn¡¯t have a choice either than to fall so in love with you. Not just for an hour, a day, or a month, or a year, but for a lifetime¡ªyou¡¯re forever embedded in me. That¡¯s what I¡¯m up against. I tried to be noble about it. I never wanted you to know what I went through (a lot more than you know), but I just really began to lose the fight against myself as what you told me on Yom Kippur tore me apart. I just didn¡¯t understand how our love, a love ¡°based on tea, soups, books, rain, candles, cuddling, and eachother¡± could make you feel like you betrayed your kids and that you sinned. I now understand why. It was my fault you really didn¡¯t understand how I felt and I didn¡¯t listen to what you were telling me. It just killed me when you told me that and I felt there was just something you weren¡¯t telling me. I was desperate. On top of my broken heart, I was hurting because of everything else going on in my life too. I lost my livelihood (job) and I was losing my mother on top of losing my life (you). It just all added to my frustration and I started to feel hopeless. I even couldn¡¯t get out of bed or look for work to start rebuilding my life again.

    I know you think I¡¯m ¡°the biggest liar you know¡±, but I told you every single feeling I ever had, good and bad. I am so sorry I broke my promises, but it was like making you a promise that if I was ever shot with a gun I would never feel pain from it, and that¡¯s an impossible promise to keep for anyone. I never intended to break any promise I ever made to you, but I had no idea my emotions wouldn¡¯t allow me to keep my word. I¡¯m the kind of person to stand up for the things I believe in and more than anything I really believed in our love. I should have all the freedom in the world to defend the people I love if I need to, otherwise I¡¯d just go bat shit crazy because it¡¯s instinctual to defend you to others because I love you. I know I hurt you terribly with the things I said but it was hard for me to see why you let me go because of all the pain and frustration I felt. It was a ton of pain talking. I never wanted nor did I ever intend to hurt you. I died the day you left my life¡ªthe day your name disappeared from my BB Messenger. I know you think I have a chance at love again, but I guess you will never understand. For me, it¡¯s about the person I¡¯m in love with, not just being in love, and there¡¯s only one you. That¡¯s why I would always want to be with you. I¡¯m just going to concentrate on my writing and my career (starting my own practice, another 9-5 job, and perhaps teaching) from this day forward. I just can¡¯t get it right and I can¡¯t afford to fall again and have things not work out and lose everything I worked for. I¡¯m just going to get lost in the things I want to get accomplished personally and professionally. I have no desire to meet anyone. I don¡¯t think love is worth the pain you feel at my age. Love is meant for other people to feel now. This was my last chance just because I put a lot of myself into my relationships and I don¡¯t know how I¡¯d find the time now. If there is a possibility of that, it will be 3-5 years from now when I feel completely secure with everything, if ever at all. I know you think you took two years of my life but I also gave you those two years as well. You never held a gun to my head.

    Just so you¡¯re aware, I saw the profile picture of you and him on your FB account. I only mention it because that was that kind of picture I had in my head whenever I struggled. I¡¯m not questioning your love for me by mentioning I saw the picture, but this was the only thing that brought me pain, and the more feelings I had for you, the more that same kind of picture became real in my head, and the harder it was for me to tuck away my emotions and save them for a later date to be discussed. This is also why I had such a hard time listening to you. The more we fell in love with eachother, the more experiences we shared, the more I got to know you and your pain, the more I began to see this kind of picture in my mind, and it¡¯s why I lost my patience and why I would question if you were ¡°truly¡± I love with me. If you could for a moment, please try to put yourself in my shoes and it¡¯s me telling you ¡°I¡¯m not in love with my wife¡± and ¡°I don¡¯t trust her¡± and she ¡°cheated on me¡± and then one day you see a picture of us together like this. Throw in all the words you told me that I included in this letter and ask yourself, would you be able to put all your trust in me? You once asked me ¡°Did you not hear anything I ever said and did you not feel everything I have ever given?¡±. Yes, I did¡ªeveryday. When I take that into account, that¡¯s why I struggled so much. I know it¡¯s just a picture¡ªeveryone smiles in pictures. I¡¯m sure this doesn¡¯t show how you truly feel inside because I know what you did and do feel inside however this was the mental picture that would crush me the more time passed without you being able to at least make me a promise to be together. It wasn¡¯t fair to me, you, or us, to equate making a promise to be with me, after leading me here, as akin to hurting your kids¡ªthat¡¯s not right. This is why I felt you broke my heart. Your love for me was a unique gift, the way you loved me was so beautiful, but this was the only reason why it felt like it wasn¡¯t because if you stayed, it felt like you hurt me on purpose. You once told me ¡°I wish you were psycho¡± and I always wondered why you told me that. At times, I began to think the reason you loved me so much was so I would go crazy and therefore leave you with a legitimate reason in your eyes to let me go¡ªthat¡¯s just how it felt at times. I know you told me I knew your situation from the beginning, but my feelings were not the same as they were on the day we met¡ªwe became one person. My feelings grew because of all we shared together. Though I never had an actual picture to draw any wild conclusions and form my own truths from, this was the kind of thing I saw in my mind and it¡¯s all I really struggled with because you chose to be there. A picture like this, one I saw in my head though, is why it felt like you were choosing him over me. This is why I took ¡°jabs¡± because thinking about this was like getting stabbed. I only grew out of character because my love grew for you and the more it grew, the more I struggled with the picture inside my head. When you would tell me ¡°I don¡¯t want you to think we¡¯re getting back together¡± a picture like this one would pop inside of my head and it would lead me to get really upset with you. It would never allow me to accept that were staying just for the sake of the kids. I felt because of my past heartbreaks, that you were telling me it was for the kids because you didn¡¯t want to hurt me and it was the easy way out. If I were to even question that, it would make it seem like I was a horrible person who never understood. It just felt like the perfect excuse to me only because of my past experiences with women. I¡¯m not saying ¡°the kids¡± wasn¡¯t a huge reason. I know it was a real reason but my self-esteem issues would kick in and never allow me to feel it was the real reason, even though I always knew how much you worried about your kids. I¡¯ve had experience with heartbreak before, and though I¡¯m sure I was wrong to feel this way because I knew how much you loved me, I naturally and instinctively drew from those prior experiences. I imagined a picture like this being displayed proudly in your home, and it just killed me after all we shared. It made me angry why I was even allowed to be in your life for a single day if this picture could possibly still grace a wall in your home. It was always the things I didn¡¯t know that I questioned, and never the things you told me or made me aware of. I saw the look in your eyes when I asked you if you still slept with him. I know you didn¡¯t want to tell me because you were afraid to lose me, but you told me the truth. It showed your character even at such an inappropriate time when I chose to ask you the question, but that was my fault entirely. That wasn¡¯t easy for you, I know. I know you told me I wasn¡¯t responsible for the way you felt about your situation, but I still wouldn¡¯t have wanted to come in between this no matter how beautiful I thought you were or how great our connection was, unless you truly couldn¡¯t live with his betrayal anymore, and not because you met me, but because it was a struggle before you met me. I felt you convinced me that the marriage was truly beyond repair due to his infidelities. When I let you go in June ¡®07¡¯, I hoped that you could work your issues out with him, but when you told me 5 months later you still felt the same and that I had broken your heart, I felt there was something very special about us worth pursuing and you communicated to me that you didn¡¯t want to work on your marriage. I really believed you when you told me ¡°no one would want to be with a divorcee with baggage¡±. I really believed your self-worth was that low due the betrayal and still being there was a kid related issue. This was why I was willing to endure so much and understand it. I just trusted this was a real problem in your marriage. If you thought you had to live with it because no man would want to be with a divorcee who has kids, I could easily prove to you that you were wrong if someone truly loved you, like I do. This is the honest truth though, more than anything in this world, even at the cost of my own happiness, I wanted you to be happy again and if my feelings didn¡¯t grow so much for you so I could remain patient and not pressure you, I would¡¯ve done it just so you were happy, but I couldn¡¯t restrain my pain. It shattered my heart to see you stay with him because of all I knew. If I was ¡°in lust¡± with you, I could¡¯ve easily held on, but I would never have pursued this for anything less than love¡ªI¡¯m not that type of man. I didn¡¯t know what I was up against either simply because I¡¯ve never been truly in love before. The kind of love where you want to see the one you love every day¡ªthe kind of love where your heart beats out of your chest every time you do. I have dreamt of a love like ours for a long time in my life. I dreamt of someone telling me all the words you ever said to me. I dreamt of someone looking at me the way you did. The anticipation that I may just find that kind of love one day got me out of bed every morning. Then I had my heart broken a few times and I just stopped believing. I didn¡¯t want to fool myself anymore, but then I met you and started to believe again more than ever. It was just more depressing for me because I¡¯ve waited my entire life for this. You told me you have an ¡°inexperienced heart¡± and I feel this was mostly because you never dreamt of love like I did. I think maybe it was because of the issues you had as a little girl. I think about why you check the ¡°female¡± box and although we joked about it a lot, maybe I shouldn¡¯t have because those issues may have held you back from being with me. I feel he resolves those issues for you and because of that you¡¯re able to stay for the kids and even still share the same bed regardless of his thoughtless transgressions. I don¡¯t think these issues are important to you personally like they used to be, but I think they still take up residence inside you. I know I filled a need in your life emotionally and I know having my love meant everything in the sense there were no strings attached. If you¡¯ve ever dreamt of falling in love like I have, then I think we¡¯d be together. One of the reasons I would take shots at him (example: call him a ¡°creep¡±) was to see if you would defend him. To your credit, you never really did even though you did call me a ¡°creepy guy¡±. I know you were just trying to get under my skin though because I hurt you. I deserved that jab, and I¡¯m sorry. I guess I just come from the school of thought that if you are in love with someone, you wouldn¡¯t sleep with someone else and when you are in love with someone, nothing matters because you believe things will work out for the best¡ªbecause of the person you¡¯re in love with. I know you were only 19 when you met him. I think about that I don¡¯t think you really knew who you were or what was really important to you until you were older and wise enough to know. I understand money doesn¡¯t mean much to you personally anymore and I know it¡¯s only meant to give your kids the best you can, because if it did mean as much, you wouldn¡¯t have risked it all and fell in love with me. I¡¯m glad you learned that about yourself through me. I wish I had something (a life other than myself) or someone (kids) to help buffer the pain and craziness I felt, but you were my life. I know you felt I should just let you go if I felt this way but the problem is this; everything you told me I included in this letter, I believed in. I wanted to believe everything you told me was true. Even when I had doubts, I really trusted your words and in your pain. It is so hard to walk away from that because (1) I¡¯m truly in love with and care about you. (2) I¡¯ve already shared so much with you. (3) I totally believed everything you told me. (4) I truly believed you would do nothing to hurt me, and (5) I couldn¡¯t stomach the thought of living without you. I really believed you would tell him about us because our love was pure. What kind of ugly details could I have possibly given to him about our love other than the pure beauty of it? I just wasn¡¯t prepared that if you fell deeply in love with me that you would consider staying after all you¡¯ve gone through and felt. In my experience, women have been less than honest with me and I still carried those issues with me. I was only trying to protect my heart, why I asked for brutal honesty even if it hurt me, when I would ask for details, but I also understand why you wouldn¡¯t give them to me. I put you in a real tough spot¡ªyou didn¡¯t want to lose me and you were afraid I might get crazy on you. I always understood your stance with the kids but this picture in my mind haunted me and brought with it too much pain to completely embrace that, yet because I wanted to believe you were being honest with me, I tried to fight how it made me feel. I guess I felt even if he were to cheat again, because you have already taken the ¡°mothers sacrifice anything for their kids¡± stance so you didn¡¯t hurt your kids and feared they would hate you, that you would still stay. Wouldn¡¯t that possibly hurt your kids and wouldn¡¯t they hate you that way too if you told him it was over if he cheated again? That¡¯s why I think you¡¯re just afraid and I felt if he knew you were in love with me, it just might give you the strength to tell him the truth; that ¡°this doesn¡¯t make us even¡± because you found something very special. Your anger is real and I don¡¯t think it should be resolved for anyone¡¯s sake.

    The more I fell in love with you, the more a picture of you and him would pop into my head. I never hid from you how much I was in love with you and you told me you were in love with me, and not him nearly every day. The pain you feel sharing someone with the one you are deeply in love with is excruciating and I¡¯m sorry it led me to act immaturely. I just felt that if you couldn¡¯t tell him that you were in love with me, it was the only time you weren¡¯t being ¡°courageous¡± during our relationship. This was not about evening the score with him because you fell in love with me and you weren¡¯t looking for it¡ªsomething very magical happened. I wanted you to tell him you were in love with me because that was the woman I fell in love with. The one who had the courage to approach me. The one who has the courage to meet me, even at times it truly risked everything. The one who had the courage to love me with their heart and soul. The one who had the courage to come see me even if he stayed home from work and you thought he was suspecting. The one who had the courage to never break a promise to me. That¡¯s the courageous woman I fell in love with. By lacking the courage to tell him you were in love with me, I felt you were out of character, so I lost trust in your true feelings for me, and this picture would pop in my head, time and time again, and then I¡¯d get out character too. I know you were deathly afraid to hurt your kids, but I guess I hoped you would have summoned the courage to know our love for eachother would never have allowed that to ever happen. My outbursts appeared to you as anger, but in actuality it was sadness and I know your anger was too. I know the courage is there. You had the courage not because you were seeking love, but because you knew you found something real and you felt you were deserving of it, and you are. You felt the ¡°love¡± you received from him was not genuine and that is important to you. I felt by being honest with him about you being in love with me just might give you the courage to take a huge step toward happiness. I would love for you to have the courage to show your children how important having love, trust and respect in a marriage is one day so they will have the courage the have the same in their lives too. To me, that is the greatest thing you could ever give to both Katie and Andrew because all the money in the world could never buy them that.

    Anytime we were together, I felt so much love from you. It was all encompassing and powerful. You always loved me with so much thoughtfulness. You loved me with everything I found beautiful in you¡ªwhat made it feel like a unique gift. I do know this though, our love just proved to me that in a marriage, it always comes back to being and falling in love with someone for who they are and not for what they have or what they can give. Without that kind of love, it doesn¡¯t matter what you have or what you have accomplished because you need that kind of love in a marriage, based on the right things to avoid losing or risking the loss of those things. That¡¯s what is most important. Even though I was hurt by it, I¡¯m proud of you for falling in love with me and trying to get away from living a false existence and for trying to resolve your past issues. I know now why you told me I changed you forever. I¡¯m proud of you for not wanting your marriage to be marketed and branded like a product for business. I¡¯m proud of you for knowing what a ring should truly stand for. I¡¯m proud of you for trying to be true to yourself by falling in love with me for the right reasons¡ªI think you know what matters more than anything else now. I understand you wanted and needed to feel truly loved¡ªyou always will be. I know you wanted to be happy¡ªa need we both wanted. I¡¯m just happy I was able to give you that. I think the only person you ended up betraying in the end was yourself. I think you¡¯ll realize this when the kids are old enough to move out and it¡¯s just you and him at home. If anything, you wanted to be honest with them and teach them an important lesson in life. I feel a valuable lesson that would¡¯ve made them stronger people and prepared them for life. I felt the Universe, or God, was on your side on this one because of the kind of man and person I am, and the love we found in eachother. I would have taken a back seat to them and would¡¯ve been very understanding of everything and friendly to everyone. If it¡¯s all about them having the best things in life, then I¡¯m probably not the right man for that because I can¡¯t contribute to teaching them that having the best things in life is what life is all about, even though I would really want them to have the best things in life. I¡¯ve learned to deal with adversity throughout my life and it¡¯s about making the best of your situation and I guess I feel that¡¯s what made me perfect for this. I know I could¡¯ve made them better, stronger, and smarter people in this life because of what I¡¯ve been through. Not that I came from a poor family, but I had to work hard for everything and also had to learn to make sacrifices. I would always be there for them if they ever needed me. I would¡¯ve never undermined anything you did with them, been supportive of your rearing, and loved them like my own. I would¡¯ve been there for them if and when they would need me. I think everyone would have eventually realized why you fell so in love with me and chose to be happy.

    More than anything else though, more than being upset about a picture in my head I should¡¯ve never seen, what hurt me the most is I wanted to show you how much I love you. I¡¯m a nurturer¡ªlearned it from my mom. It¡¯s just not in my DNA to be so in love with someone and not be able to express it freely. What you did for my birthday was unexpected, greatly appreciated, and it threw me off enough to blow it with you. I will never forget all you did and all the thoughtfulness you put into each gift. The image of you retrieving the bags from your car will live with me forever. I¡¯m not used to anyone giving me what you did and at least not being able to freely return the favor. For the first time I felt someone truly loved me. It just makes me so sad. I wish I could have been your friend forever but we were much more than that. You told me I was your soulmate and you¡¯re truly mine. I would always feel there was hope for us and the pressure would never stop because I¡¯m in love with you. Also, I wanted to be in your life without hiding. I felt our love or even any aspect of our relationship was not worthy of that because it was pure and it was true¡ªwe were best friends. We didn¡¯t meet and have sex in parking lots or cheap hotels. Our love was beautiful. It was given to us by something greater than us and that¡¯s why it felt so natural and right. We held eachother more times than we ever made love to eachother. We both laid our phones close to our hearts (Well, I had an even surface to work with) when we laid down in our beds in anticipation of hearing from one another. As long as we were together, in any shape or form, it didn¡¯t matter what we did¡ªthere were no hidden agendas. Being with you made me feel safe. If I couldn¡¯t kiss you because of a cold sore, I could always still hold you in my arms. Holding you hand was always a proud moment for me. Everything we ever did together carried equal weight in my heart. I felt that¡¯s a love you fight for, especially when you consider you were betrayed. It¡¯s the way love is supposed to be. My heart was beyond broken especially when you told him we were ¡°just friends¡± because of the purity of our love. It was best friend love and I felt it was special enough to be honest about. I understand why you didn¡¯t want to tell him when he surprised you with it a year ago, but I thought after San Francisco and Facebook that it was time to be honest. It was only natural for me to question things because of the picture in my head. You told me I wasn¡¯t responsible for the way you felt about your marriage and I learned from listening to you that it seemed like your unhappiness was a personal internal struggle at least since Andrew was born. I remember you told me the story of Jackson¡¯s best friend asking you to take a chance with him. If his best friend would do that to him, it made me not like him as your husband even more because he must have known something about him to do such a thing. The writing was written with a Sharpie on the wall before you married him as well. He told me he used to check out girls in front of you and I could only have imagined what he probably did when you weren¡¯t around if he had the audacity to do that. Did he stop doing that because of how it made you feel or the fear of you leaving and talking half his net worth with you? I have listened to you, and thought anyway, that the unhappiness in your marriage had been a 12 year struggle¡ªI didn¡¯t want you to struggle anymore. I have read Katie¡¯s letter a number of times and I kept in mind her words ¡°change is necessary for growth¡±, and she couldn¡¯t have been more right. I just couldn¡¯t believe you couldn¡¯t see the truth in her words¡ªthe necessary change you needed for growth. There¡¯s no doubt in my mind that you needed a change in your life¡ªto be with someone who makes you a better person. I couldn¡¯t let you go because I know you¡¯re a better person with me. I¡¯ve asked several of my married friends if they¡¯ve ever told their wives, even as a joke, that they would trade them in for two 20-year-olds when they turned 40, and they looked at me as if I was nuts. How could he even dare to say something like that to you especially after he cheated no less? His arrogance and narcissism seem to be off the charts. It shouldn¡¯t have taken me in your life for him to feel repentance for his infidelities. I felt he should¡¯ve told you ¡°I¡¯d lose an arm if I could change things¡± when you found out he cheated on you, not when he suspected you were seeing me. I don¡¯t think people like him really change, and if he did, his past history and social tendencies will never allow you to trust him. Is he faithful because he is in love with you or because he¡¯s afraid to lose that wholesome family owned business and political image that generates his net worth? He even told you that you could have the business but he would fight for the kids. I mention this only because the last day we spoke, you told me ¡°He wouldn¡¯t allow it¡±. Now I see why you felt running away was your only option. I think this was a ploy to scare you to stay because he knew exactly how you felt about the kids. He''s just protecting his net worth and that¡¯s why he¡¯s willing to accept a ¡°roommate¡± situation. I understand what you¡¯re going through and you¡¯re not in love with him. I¡¯m sorry it took so long for me to get all of this. I just don¡¯t feel he¡¯s good for you anymore because you¡¯ve outgrown him¡ªyou know what¡¯s most important in life. You do control your own destiny and I felt him knowing you¡¯re in love with me just might give you the courage to do that. I would always be there for you¡ªyou have all the love and help in the world if you ever do. You are not just a good person, but the best person. I knew the real Anya, but I feel staying married to him doesn¡¯t make you a better person. I don¡¯t care if he is the father of your children or if he¡¯s a good provider or if you live in a beautiful home or if he has all the money in the world. You should be with someone who makes you the best person you can be. I don¡¯t care if he treats you better now¡ªit¡¯s unauthentic because he¡¯s afraid he would lose half his worth. Someone may get hurt even worse if you stay. What if he cheats again out of spite because he can¡¯t forget, but this time he comes back home and you get something from him? What if the kids find out dad cheated on mom? I would hate to see them hate their dad. As much as I dislike him as your husband, I wouldn¡¯t want that to happen. I just feel these risks are higher now just because it¡¯s been a constant in your marriage. I know I have crushed your heart in pieces, but I don¡¯t care if he''s the most successful man on the planet. You¡¯d really have to be a Special Ed student and legally insane to cheat on someone as beautiful a person as you are. There are a lot of beautiful women in this world on the outside, but the combination of your inner and outer beauty makes you more beautiful than anyone to me¡ªthere is no one like you. He cheated in you for sex¡ªplease don¡¯t let him make you feel guilty for being in love with someone for the right reasons. You weren¡¯t getting back at him; true love happens. You deserve to be truly happy after all you struggled with. I write this with great respect, but I feel staying for the kids, with the way you feel about your situation, the state it is in now, who you are now, and even without me in your life, is a huge mistake simply because this has been a personal internal struggle for you for 12 years now and counting¡ªnot just the years I was in your life. The last two years only brought it to light. I think Katie and Andrew are both really good kids and will understand why one day. It¡¯s not even about the betrayal, but more so how he made you feel about yourself and how he shaped you as a person. I don¡¯t think staying and being with him will shape you into a better version of yourself because you¡¯re not the same person anymore. I only say this because I love you and I really want to see you happy. Time will tell though and I would only want you to do that for you, not even for me. Again, I feel like you shouldn¡¯t have to resolve your anger for anyone and you deserve to be happy.

    I mailed this to you because I wanted to keep our words between us. I never wanted him to know what we shared¡ªwhat we shared together belongs only to us. I just wanted him to know that you were in love with me. We simply were not ¡°one of these things¡±¡ªI knew all your pain. When he went on my Facebook, I felt it was time the truth be known (he¡¯s known for over a year). Our love was not created by lust but by love and a mutual respect¡ªthe things he never gave but you always deserved. We both held back a lot sexually. I held back because it hurt so much, and I was afraid how I would feel afterwards. I also didn¡¯t want to pressure you as much as you didn¡¯t want pressure from me. I also held back because if we were together, it would be brand new to us and I didn¡¯t want you going home with more guilt than you already carried. I would¡¯ve loved you in ways that would never leave any doubt in your mind how much I loved you. San Francisco was romantic and fun and just proved we could get through anything together. I felt all the love in the world in your embrace when we saw each other. We were two people who could say so much to each other without ever saying a word. After San Francisco, I wanted to go somewhere else with you so bad. I think about San Francisco and I can¡¯t believe where we are today, but it¡¯s my fault.

    Again, I¡¯m sorry if I¡¯m repeating myself but in regards to the harassment and stalking charges. I¡¯m really sorry for upsetting you. Thanks for reading this novella and sorry for everything.

    Take care,

    Landyn

 CHAPTER 24 ~ STREETLIGHTS, PEOPLE

    ¡°We walked on wires, through the burning fire.

    Just to prove that we belong.

    And oh, still in my head, a rising choir.

    And it goes on and on and on, singing.¡±

    ~ ¡°Something Real¡± Civalias

    I can¡¯t remember the day, but I¡¯ll never forget the moment when her response to my letter arrived in a pink envelope¡ªthe sweetest choice of color. ¡°Pink¡±, I thought. ¡°That¡¯s sooo her¡±. I couldn¡¯t have been more ecstatic even if I had won the lottery. She even headed it ¡°My Dearest Landyn¡±, like she did with every letter she ever wrote me. Seeing the pink envelope alone gave me new life, turning my eyes instantly red. Her words were handwritten to me on quality stationary with a painting resembling our beach beneath her words, all in an attempt to replace the picture in my head with the one I should be focused on. Her response was short but thoughtful¡ªjust what the doctor ordered and everything I needed. Her precious envelope had two stamps and no return address providing me with proof Jackson forced her into threatening me with stalking and harassment. Anya could never know how seeing two stamps on a letter that weighed a couple of ounces at most released a lot of anguish I was feeling since the last time we spoke nearly three months ago.

    Her response to my letter didn¡¯t give me closure, but a silver lining I desperately needed. It showed there still remained a chance for us and that she understood how I felt. The last time we spoke was as bad a day as anyone will have in their life¡ªher response meant a lot. I just wanted to choke and die on every negative thought I ever had about her. After receiving her letter, every day that passed brought us another day closer to being together, and if it didn¡¯t result in that, then maybe I still had a shot at coming out of this alive. Anya revealed in her letter that she was still hurting too by telling me she was taking things one day at a time. I just needed to know I wasn¡¯t alone in feeling this acute anguish¡ªthat all this pain was not for nothing.

    After receiving her letter, each weekday morning I was at ¡°The Good Morning Caf¨¦¡± hoping to emerge from my depression and to decide my next move. But, more than anything, hoping that Anya would be as nostalgic as I was about our past. Instead of reconnecting at Sonoma¡¯s then maybe we could find a way to reconnect at our favorite caf¨¦¡ªit definitely wasn¡¯t going to happen with me sleeping in until one in the afternoon. I just still believed the Universe¡¯s wish was for us to be together, even bringing a copy of the letter I wrote to Anya to the caf¨¦ with me each day. With my morning green tea, my eyes pored over the words I chose for her, imagining she¡¯d walk in and say hello while I did. It made me feel good to know that she felt comforted by my words enough to write me back. No doubt my therapist gave me sound advice to never send the letter, but my relationship and breakup with Anya was not the nine times out of ten variety. We didn¡¯t break up because one of us fell out of love, we broke up because we couldn¡¯t handle not being free to love each other. Now, with my letter at the very least in her head and heart, there remained a chance of her changing her mind about us down the road. There was no further need to write her¡ªshe had thirty pages worth of all I wanted her to know. My letter planted a seed to give me the hope of reaping the benefits of a harvest one day. Now, being out of work for almost seven months, I had to plant a seed a day in regards to my future.

    I didn¡¯t know much about deep depressions, but this one ambushed me on a daily basis. Even innocuous movies such as Peter Jackson¡¯s ¡°King Kong¡± and even the cartoon ¡°Monsters, Inc.¡± made me emotionally vulnerable. When my depression morphed into manic episodes, I used Vicodin to mask the emptiness inside. The drug also aided in helping me to see Anya¡¯s side of things¡ªthe self-induced euphoria giving her an enormous benefit of the doubt. In my mind, this was Jackson¡¯s shit show he put on, and not Anya¡¯s. There was no way a woman who shared all we did would hurt me like that. If Jackson forced her to do anything, it would be malicious of me to go after her for it. All the mental anguish blinded me to things at times, but the Vicodin usually set me straight and calmed me down whenever my thoughts tried to undermine me. I would find myself listening to the CD¡¯s she burned for me to get me through hard days and nights. Some songs she burned for me in particular, like Diana Krall¡¯s ¡°They Can¡¯t Take That Away from Me.¡± would illicit an emotional response in me. The more emotion in the singer¡¯s voice, the more I heard Anya¡¯s, telling me she wouldn¡¯t allow her children or Jackson, the children she told me she betrayed, take our memories away from her. I found hope in all the music she ever burned for me and the bands she introduced me to. Songs like ¡°Surprise Surprise¡± and ¡°Something Real¡± by Civalias played constantly on the Ipod she bought me. ¡°Infinite Arms¡± and ¡°No One¡¯s Gonna Love You¡± by Band of Horses were every day staples that kept me connected to her. Even Diana Krall¡¯s ¡°Look of Love¡± had an effect on me, and whenever I listened to David Gray¡¯s ¡°Babylon¡±, ¡°This Year¡¯s Love¡± and ¡°The One I Love¡±, they took me back to the times of my life I was happiest with her. As her favorite songs found their way to me, it made me realize how badly she never wanted me to be disconnected from her. The music she burned for me always had a purpose¡ªno matter what she told me. She knew something I didn¡¯t at the time, and I could only find myself loving her for it.

    During our nearly two-year relationship, she considerately burned ten compact discs for me containing hundreds of songs, even buying me an Ipod to keep them all on. And not one time did I ever burn her a single CD. Needing to right that wrong, three and a half months after we broke up, I burned some of the songs that moved me at the time and in the past on a CD for her, even composing a short letter along with it.

    Dearest Anya,

    I¡¯m glad you received my letter. Thank you. You apologized to me numerous times for things you didn¡¯t have to, so you didn¡¯t have to say you¡¯re sorry again. I know you feel bad about things too, but you shouldn¡¯t. I put you through a lot and I¡¯m the one who owes you the apology. Thank you for not hating me. That was your ¡°thingie¡± before I even picked it out for you. It was just waiting for me to come get it and bring it home to you.

    I¡¯m listening to a CD you burned for me a while ago so I wanted you to have one from me. I just wanted you to know you¡¯re never alone as long as I¡¯m alive on this earth.

    Thinking of you as always,

    Me

    After mailing the CD with a brief letter, I fell back into full survivor mode¡ªtrying to live without her. Given my state of mind, I only put three sad songs on her CD with the rest being mostly upbeat. All I had left now was music, a thirty-page letter letting her know my feelings and a little thing called hope. She should never wonder how I felt. There was no room in my heart to find fault in Anya, but plenty of blame to fault her philandering husband. He was responsible for the pain I felt¡ªfor allowing his own wife the freedom, the mother of his children, to go out to single bars with her friends because of the way he made her feel. Jackson pressured her to call a neighborhood police official, to install a wiretap on her phone, and for notifying ¡®their¡± lawyer. He truly was the world¡¯s biggest fool¡ªfighting to continue paying for something I received from Anya for free. His marriage to her represented a form of legal prostitution and at most a business partnership¡ªa place love could never exist. In fact, if I hadn¡¯t forced Anya¡¯s hand and held it together emotionally, we¡¯d still be together. If he knew she loved me, how could he believe, after all he chipped away from her after years of emotional abuse, would ever return to him? No matter how hard he tried to keep her apart from happiness, he could never control or have access to Anya¡¯s real thoughts. She could be the actress of the millennium, but he¡¯ll never know how she really feels. If he believed this was a contest for her heart, it was a game I already won two years ago. Apparently, he was so afraid of his competition, he commanded her to destroy me, basically her happiness in life, so he could control his destiny. Only Emperor Palpatine could be so bold¡ªJackson was nothing less than a Sith who only delayed his eventual overthrow. If Anya had been my wife, and she fell in love with another man who made her a better person, a man who Katie brilliantly pointed out that change was necessary for growth, I¡¯d find a way to make the divorce as amicable as possible. Anya¡¯s heart wasn¡¯t up for contention, she loved another man because of the way he made her feel. If the mother of my children¡¯s well-being is not intact, then neither will the well-being of my children be. Jackson couldn¡¯t have believed in love at all, not for a second if he¡¯d be just fine with her being in love with another man. Either that or he felt this was just a phase she was going through, and once separated, she will see it wasn¡¯t love at all. I really believed Jackson Caiaphas was in for the rudest of awakenings.

    Her husband allowed our love to manifest itself so I felt nothing for him¡ªnot after all the years of chipping her away with his emotional abuse. He should be thankful out of all the possible men out there, that it was me¡ªa man who truly loved and cared about Anya for who she was and not because I just wanted sex, like he did, or his wealth. Jackson treated the woman I came to adore like a teenage executive assistant more than his wife and the mother of his children. If Jackson ever threatened to tell the kids about me, or us, I¡¯d force him into honesty¡ªmaking the truth known about why Mom threatened divorce. They can blame me all they wanted, but never their mother who only wanted to be loved.

    Jackson surely believed this was something I wanted¡ªhe had no idea I walked away from Anya when we first met because she was married. Anya approached me, initiated the entire relationship, even telling me about his infidelities and that I broke her heart. If I had known she would¡¯ve been on the fence after all we¡¯ve shared, I would¡¯ve ran for my life. I never dreamt of being in the middle of another relationship. If he believed for a second that I deserved all I felt because my intention was to break up a family, he was clueless. My intention was never to break up a family, but to end a godforsaken marriage. While he played the role of victim, he ignored the marriage he destroyed because his libido was more important than being there for a pregnant wife. It was never a goal of mine to come in and disrupt the lives of his children, but to give them a shot at happiness one day. Now, the serial philanderer played the role of hero, attacking what he wanted others to perceive as a threat to their family. If Jackson was truly a good person, I knew Anya well enough to know she¡¯d never do all she did with me. The only reason I chose to be here was because I trusted in her love for me. It¡¯s not my fault he decided to cheat on her several times. I¡¯m mad I had to do his job¡ªhe made the vows to honor his wife, not me. If he didn¡¯t know better at forty years of age to not cheat on your wife, let alone while she was carrying his child, with another married woman, you deserve me in your life. You deserved a man to come right in and take what should¡¯ve never been given to you. Jackson may have been able to fool Katie with her own horse ranch, and Andrew with an investment account, but his overcompensation will come back to bite him. The man was thirty years old and Anya, all of nineteen years of age, when he met her. Without a doubt Anya was mature for her age, but would Anya want Katie to meet a man like her father at only nineteen? Anya should never tear Jackson down and rat him out to her children, but after a two-year relationship with another man, why did she still give them the impression he¡¯s the best thing since the laptop computer? Sadly, their father was not a man of good character. He even lacked a conscience, was grossly unfaithful and lived life dishonestly. Why keep setting her children up for a major heartbreak by keeping the fa?ade alive? Especially allowing them to go to bed at night blaming themselves for a terrible marriage? Anya criticized me for not being a ¡°big boy¡±, but how big of a boy is Jackson? Do big boys stay with spouses who were in two-year relationships with another?

    As much as I tried to hide my broken heart around my mother, it inhaled me alive like a Komodo dragon. Each time I sat in her room; my eyes searched for her Vicodin bottle¡ªthe only way I could keep from unleashing my sorrow upon her. I know she only wanted the best for me, but she had no idea how precariously close I was to the edge of extinction. Reaching for my mother¡¯s pills was the only means to stave off the anguish and anxiety, needing now five Vicodin and even four Excedrin a day, to cool the fire burning out of control within me.

    ¡°I¡¯m thirty-nine now. I told her one day. ¡°And I have as much as when I was one.¡±

    ¡°You have a lot more than most.¡± She replied, shaking her head. ¡°You have a lot going for you, Honey. It just hasn¡¯t happened yet.¡±

    ¡°Like what?¡± I wondered aloud. ¡°I lost the love of my life. I lost a career job, one I worked years for by going to school. Not only that, I lost it during the greatest recession in our country¡¯s history¡ªa half million-dollar salary per year with a great firm. I¡¯ve got nothing.¡±

    ¡°You have your health.¡± she said. ¡°Without your health, everything else doesn¡¯t matter.¡±

    ¡°What good is my health when my mind can¡¯t tell the difference between a healthy man and a diseased one?¡± I countered. ¡°Well, at least Anya wrote me back.¡±

    ¡°She wrote you back?¡± she shouted, shaking her head. ¡°I don¡¯t believe you.¡±

    ¡°And you said I¡¯d never hear from her again.¡± I boasted, removing the letter from my pocket and handing it to her.

    ¡°I¡¯m just surprised she did¡ªshe¡¯s probably miserable at home right now.¡± she retorted, snatching the letter from my hand then putting her glasses on to look it over. ¡°Did you send her the letter you weren¡¯t supposed to send?¡±

    ¡°It was important to apologize for the pain I put her through.¡± I explained. ¡°I just couldn¡¯t live the rest my life with the way things ended for us, Mom. We shared too much for it to end so horribly¡ªI know I¡¯m your son, but I was beyond nasty to her that day. What I did caused her a great deal of pain, fear and sadness¡ªI took it too far. I needed her to know that I felt bad about all that happened and that I held myself responsible. It made me feel better she knows that now. Two days ago, I mailed her a super brief letter, not even half a page along with a CD of songs I promised her when we were together.¡±

    ¡°I hope you know the fact she wrote you back doesn¡¯t mean she still loves you, Landy.¡± She stated, handing me the letter then removing her glasses. ¡°You need to move on with your life--she¡¯s never coming back to you. Look, she even wrote take care. You shouldn¡¯t be holding out any hope¡ªit¡¯s over.¡±

    ¡°I know I need to move on with my life, but I can¡¯t lie to you¡ªI¡¯m still holding out hope she will one day.¡±

    ¡°How could you believe she¡¯s ever coming back to you?¡± She said, shaking her head. ¡°How many pages was the letter you sent her?¡±

    ¡°Thirty.¡± I replied, annoyed. ¡°Don¡¯t you¡­¡±

    ¡°Thirty! Thirty?¡± She laughed. ¡°And she wrote you back a couple of paragraphs and you still believe she loves you?¡±

    ¡°Well, she never returned my necklace back to me.¡± I reasoned. ¡°And that tells me she¡¯s holding onto us and me, too.¡±

    ¡°Don¡¯t you think if she cared she would¡¯ve asked you how you were doing or even how I was?¡±

    ¡°Come on, seriously. Considering I mailed the letter to her home, I don¡¯t think she¡¯s going to ask questions that would encourage me to mail her back.¡± I deducted. ¡°The fact she even wrote me back was pretty ballsy if you ask me. She put two stamps and no return address on the letter because she wanted me to get it and didn¡¯t want anything coming back to her. It¡¯s her husband¡¯s show, Mom. He¡¯s the one forcing her into doing what she¡¯s doing.¡±

    ¡°I just don¡¯t want you getting¡¯ your heart set on somethin¡¯ that¡¯ll never happen.¡± she said. ¡°I don¡¯t want to see you throw your life away.¡±

    ¡°I know and I appreciate that. I¡¯m gonna still put myself out there, and work on getting my life in order.¡± I answered half truthfully. ¡°I know I have to live my life as if she¡¯s never going to be in it again, but at the same time, hope she will find her way back home.¡±

    ¡°Can you forgive her?¡±

    ¡°Do you remember the time I told you when Anya asked her son what he wanted for his twelfth birthday and he looked up at her, with his big brown eyes, then told her ¡°My family¡±?¡±

    ¡°Yes, I remember you tellin¡¯ me that.¡±

    ¡°What else is she to do, Mom?¡± stating my case further. ¡°Of course, I could forgive her¡ªit¡¯s just the situation she¡¯s in.¡±

    ¡°Okay, Honey.¡± She sighed.

    Removal of the situation would remove our angst, and if this relationship were under a normal set of circumstances, I¡¯d be hard pressed to find a reason to ever argue with her. I always respected Anya, I just never respected her marriage because I knew it was the source of her pain, anger and why she hated her life. The day the one I loved more than anyone on this earth told me she hated her life¡ªit redefined my entire purpose on this earth. Hearing those words broke my heart more than her staying in the marriage for the sake of her kids ever could. My heart was extremely vested in her happiness, and for her to open up to me about the way she felt about her life, upset me more than anything ever could. Regardless of what my mom believed, I felt Anya loved me. Even as all the evidence in the world stacked up against me like a Congressional indictment, I couldn¡¯t accept she didn¡¯t love me. Only Anya and I knew all we shared¡ªwe were the only ones in my room when she visited. My mother never saw the look in Anya¡¯s eyes and the agony in her voice when she told me she loved me while we made love. It¡¯s the one thing I would question at times, but the one thing I was unwilling to accept. Even as Jackson spun a web for me, Anya would not allow him to abuse his power to ever hurt me. If push came to shove, she¡¯d stand by my side at the end. As much as the evidence and my mother¡¯s opinions grew, the more I refused to accept them as truth. If Anya still didn¡¯t love me, she would¡¯ve handed my letter to her police official neighbor, and not written me back. If she still didn¡¯t love me, she would¡¯ve returned the necklace. If she still didn¡¯t love me, she would¡¯ve returned the last letter and the CD I mailed her back to sender. She even put her heart into the response to my letter using an artist¡¯s stationary resembling our beach¡ªeven drawing a small squiggly line to indicate it¡¯s where she will be in the end. If I meant nothing to her, she would¡¯ve either written it on ordinary stationary or not responded at all. Denise never responded but Anya did¡ªI still believed she loved me.

    I didn¡¯t want Anya to lose her kids, but I also didn¡¯t believe she wanted to be around them twenty-four seven. It didn¡¯t mean she loved them less, but her kids didn¡¯t want to be around their mother twenty-four seven either. Anya did want access to them twenty-four seven, as any loving parent would, and this was why I couldn¡¯t take a hard line black and white stance. My mother viewed our relationship as if it were any other relationship and it wasn¡¯t even close. I couldn¡¯t blame my mother for not being able to distinguish the differences¡ªshe was a better and less complicated person than I was. It was hard to get sound advice because the relationship was just so different than others. Anya couldn¡¯t just leave¡ªshe had kids and employees who relied on her so grey areas consumed our relationship and her love for me. Drawing a line in concrete would never be fair to her, but I was the only one who knew the complexities in our relationship. My only beef with Anya was letting me find out about the challenges after I fell deeply in love with her, and as unfair as that was to me, it was my ace in the hole¡ªknowing all she faced, she still couldn¡¯t help falling deeply in love with me. If she only listened to herself, the decision was easy. Instead, she had others make the decision for her because the truth was too much for her to face. Was that enough to question her love for me? I didn¡¯t have to face half of all she did if she left Jackson. I had to be hard on her, otherwise she¡¯d never listen to herself and that¡¯s who the decision maker should¡¯ve been, not a twelve- and ten-year-old kid who loved their lives. Although she threw me into the fire of inequity, she truly couldn¡¯t help herself because she knew change was necessary for growth. I saw and knew things my mother never could, but there were many things she did know and see, making it harder on me to discount her opinions. And when her view didn¡¯t align with mine, I craved a Vicodin for realignment. My mother wasn¡¯t the reason I used the pills, this inequity of life was.

    After visiting my mother, I took my letters, large black binder and laptop to the Good Morning Caf¨¦. Upon arriving, I needed a Vicodin to build up the temerity to relive the last two years of my life. I also planned to read the thirty-page letter I wrote¡ªto better imagine how she felt reading it. Although my mind should¡¯ve been focused on work, my fragmented heart wouldn¡¯t allow my mind to. In order to move forward, I still needed her in some way, shape or form. For now, I had to throw in the towel on my career because of the recession.

    While poring through the thousand-page binder and comfortably seated in the familiar leather caf¨¦ chair with the same color, a blonde woman likely in her early forties sat down in the open leather chair next to me. After looking over when her sudden movement startled me, she smiled apologetically. I smiled back then dove right back into my black binder. I tried to keep an extremely low profile inside the coffee shop because Mitch¡¯s friend, Dave, who told me a couple of years ago that he stuck his head in the mouth of a killer whale and survived to tell the story, was an all too frequent customer. I had to treat Dave like a Tyrannosaurus Rex¡ªhoping he couldn¡¯t see me if I didn¡¯t move. I came to the Good Morning Caf¨¦ only to deal with my heartbreak, while he came to talk to anyone who would listen to him. I was trying to learn a way to breathe without her, and had no desire to make new friends that would only end up letting me down one day. It wouldn¡¯t be right to be rude to people, but my faith in the human race had been shaken to its core. I just wanted to be left alone with Anya in my head, but this day would not be one for the promotion of solitude.

    ¡°Are you reading the Bible?¡± she asked.

    ¡°Yes, I just picked up the three-ring black binder edition.¡± Sarcastically responding.

    ¡®Ha!¡± she snickered. ¡°You must admit it looks big enough to be a Bible!¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s definitely as voluminous...¡± I replied, smiling slightly. ¡°But I can assure you it¡¯s not¡ªI¡¯m not much of a believer.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re an atheist?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m more on the agnostic side.¡± I said, shaking my head.

    ¡°Oh, so you have to see to believe.¡±

    ¡°You could say that.¡±

    ¡°My name is Theresa.¡± she said, extending her hand out to me. ¡°Nice to meet you.¡±

    ¡°Landyn.¡± I said, extending my hand to her. ¡°Nice to meet you too.¡±

    Theresa seemed like a very nice lady, but I came to relax and read a bible of my own¡ªshe was killing the peace Vicodin gave me.

    ¡°May I ask what¡¯s in the big book?¡± She asked, leaning in a little closer.

    ¡°This big book?¡± I answered, pulling it slightly away from her. ¡°I¡¯m doing research for a book I¡¯m thinkin¡¯ about writing.¡±

    ¡°Oh, you¡¯re a writer?¡± her eyes widening.

    ¡°I wouldn¡¯t say that.¡± I quickly backtracked in an attempt to kill her interest. ¡°I¡¯m actually an accountant.¡±

    ¡°Are you a CPA?¡±

    ¡°I am.¡± I said, surprised she made the assumption.

    ¡°This is the third time I¡¯ve seen you in here.¡± she admitted, smiling widely. ¡°Are you working?¡±If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. Please report it.

    ¡°Not right now¡ªI¡¯ve kind of been coming here to sort my life out.¡± I broke. ¡°I¡¯m not sure if I want to work for an employer again or do my own thing.¡±

    ¡°So, you¡¯re not writing a book?¡±

    ¡°Maybe one day, but it¡¯s more of a hobby right now than a career.¡± I told her, hoping she¡¯d buy the white lie.

    ¡°I see. I¡¯m working on startin¡¯ my own business too.¡±

    ¡°What field of work?¡±

    ¡°Behavioral Science.¡±

    ¡°Interesting.¡± I said without rolling my eyes into my head. ¡°What made you choose that field?¡±

    ¡°I want to help people.¡± She stated, removing a small white binder from her bag. ¡°Help me understand them and help them understand themselves.¡±

    ¡°Those all sound like noble reasons.¡±

    ¡°Thank you. I¡¯d like to think so.¡±

    After uttering these words, I looked up to witness Dave¡¯s blue eyes peering over the top of the newspaper he held to his face. When his eyes went from Theresa to mine, he quickly disappeared behind it. This kind of thing Dave did wasn¡¯t his only quirk. He always came in with a plastic grocery bag full of newspapers to read as if they were his most prized possession. He¡¯d arrive in the morning and stay until midafternoon¡ªjust before the kids from the local middle school infiltrated the caf¨¦. By early afternoon, Dave would¡¯ve have ripped into, a conservative estimate, of about twenty pink Sweet & Low sugar packets that he left scattered across his table¡ªall for a single cup of coffee. He usually sat next to another guy, who according to a barista, was here at five in the morning when the doors opened. When Dave arrived a few hours later, he hung out with him before bailing to an AA meeting¡ªhe was a recovering alcoholic. It seemed like Theresa was a woman Dave took an interest in. Theresa was not a bad looking woman¡ªshe had big green eyes, a kind round face with long dark blonde hair. Her skin was creamy white and she appeared slightly overweight but curvy in an attractive way. From the first moment I met her, unlike Anya, I instantly knew she was not my type. Furthermore, even if I had never met Anya, I felt no sparks whatsoever. She seemed like a nice person though and didn¡¯t want to be rude, but I¡¯d find a way to disengage myself even if Megan Fox tried talking to me. Although it made zero sense to come to a place where people were, all I wanted was to be left alone¡ªto escape my apartment to be surrounded by civilization without actually being a part of it. I hoped extricating myself from my miserable apartment would give me some semblance of a life again. The people frequenting the caf¨¦ seemed to have mental issues, but we didn¡¯t have the same issues. Theresa¡¯s reason for coming was to work on her business and didn¡¯t seem to carry any baggage like the rest of us did. I also came to the caf¨¦ hoping to run into the one I loved, but after seeing the place was more of a mental institution, I¡¯ d likely hide in the restroom until she left if she did walk in. Every time Anya and I came, it was generally empty but I underestimated how much the recession affected everyone, and not just myself.

    When I got home later that evening, I went online to torture myself¡ªto see if Katie had put up a new profile picture. When I saw it was the one her mom showed me of Katie on her pony when she was a little girl, I found myself so drawn into the innocence of the picture that I couldn¡¯t stop from tearing up. Sitting on that pony was probably one of the happiest moments of her life and her mother sharing that pic reminded me of one of the happiest times of mine. That picture affected me as much as the one with Jackson and Anya did, and I instantly regretted seeing it. It also made me mad at Anya, for allowing me to feel so much for her, just to make me feel by wanting to be with her that I also wanted this sweet little girl to be stripped of the happiness she felt on her horsey. Katie wasn¡¯t my daughter but the closeness I had with her mother, even being told I knew her better than her own father did, made me feel emotions I didn¡¯t know I had¡ªor maybe I just wish I was her father.

    I then found myself on their Company website, noticing the site indicated some holiday cheer picture would be posted soon. It relieved me to know they weren¡¯t up, but at the same time knew some future pain was in store for me. With my heart in so much agony, I searched for the answers she never gave me to ascertain the meaning of my struggle¡ªdid she still love me or did she not? This internal struggle stopped me from living so I naturally looked for things that could springboard me back into the human race¡ªsomething that would either give me life or take it from me. Katie did remove the picture of Jackson and Anya after mentioning it in my letter, so it seemed Anya dictated what her daughter posted on Facebook. It was a good sign that at least Anya respected my heart enough to ask Katie to not post pics of them on Facebook¡ªthat had to mean something.

    As weeks passed without hearing from Anya, my focus remained on that big black three ring Bible I created and the letter I wrote her. While obsessing over my words and her silence working against my theory¡ªI held on to the belief she still loved me. My dead weighted spirit leaving me unable to move forward with my life. What did I do with all I felt for someone who ran out of my life? Using a small white capsule that shot me through a portal to where hope reigned supreme and dreams never died. Without it, there was no strength to work out or to look for work. Just getting out of bed became the most arduous of chores and the greatest of personal achievements. Without Anya, what purpose did I have to breathe? Everything I ever hoped for or believed in was gone, leaving me in the darkest of nightmares; like a banished soul into a circle of hell¡ªthe price paid for loving someone more than myself.

    Each time I visited my mother, I threw a pity party for myself¡ªuntil taking a Vicodin or two. After Anya responded to my letter, my mother stopped telling me she didn¡¯t love me, but I think she didn¡¯t want to destroy my belief in love as much as she didn¡¯t want me to destroy hers in God. To be told Anya¡¯s love for me wasn¡¯t real, that it was feigned, would make me soft enough between the ears to scale the bridge. If losing Anya had happened to me in my twenties, there would be a chance to recover, but not as I headed into my forties¡ªthis could end no other way.

    With all this time on my hands, I visited my parents more, and that only increased the likelihood of butting heads with my father. Being in such a sensitive state to everything around me, my tolerance with his opinions would be non-existent. I never wanted to argue with him, but he aimed to push my buttons on one particular visit, and my mind wasn¡¯t in the right place to take it.

    ¡°How are you, Dad?¡± I asked, after leaving my mother¡¯s room to head home.

    ¡°Ok.¡± He replied, sweat beading off his brow while he was bent down cutting the edges on the front yard grass. ¡°You find a job yet?¡±

    ¡°Not yet,¡± I responded. ¡°I¡¯ve been lookin'', but it¡¯s tough out there right now because of the recession¡ªcompanies aren¡¯t hiring much right now.¡±

    ¡°What do you mean it¡¯s hard to find work? Aren¡¯t you a CPA?¡±

    ¡°I find it hard to believe too, Dad.¡±

    ¡°Something tells me you¡¯re not tryin¡¯ hard enough.¡± He stated, digging his clippers deeper into the thick blades of grass bleeding off the edges of the lawn.

    ¡°You¡¯re right, I could give it a little more effort.¡± I told him. ¡°And I will.¡±

    ¡°How long have you been out of work now?¡±

    ¡°About seven months.¡±

    ¡°Seven months? What the hell have you been doing?¡± he yelled. ¡°You must have a lot of money.¡±

    ¡°Well, Dad. I can definitely say I don¡¯t have a lot of money.¡± I informed him, a little annoyed. ¡°I¡¯ve actually had two interviews but they both passed on me. I¡¯ve also been seeing a psychiatrist to help me work through some personal issues so I¡¯m mentally prepared to go back to work when it happens¡­so I guess it¡¯s kind of a blessing in disguise things hadn¡¯t materialized for me yet. I don¡¯t know if mom told you, but I just got off a drug called Zoloft.¡±

    ¡°What¡¯s Zoloft?¡± he said, vigorously cutting into the blades of grass.

    ¡°It¡¯s an anti-depressant.¡± I replied. ¡°It¡¯s supposed to help correct chemical imbalances. Mom¡¯s on it, actually.¡±

    ¡°What¡¯s wrong with you? Are you whacko or somethin¡¯?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m goin¡¯ through some things right now.¡± I told him, trying hard not to be sarcastic. ¡°I don¡¯t feel like myself these days.¡±

    ¡°Goin'' through some things? Like what things?¡±

    ¡°Just life, Dad. I¡¯m having a hard time finding meaning in it right now.¡±

    ¡°What are you? Weak?¡± he questioned, stopping his work to look up at me.

    ¡°Being a CPA is a demanding mental job, not a physical one.¡± I tried to explain. ¡°I need my mind to be successful and if my mind isn¡¯t in order, my life isn¡¯t in order.¡±

    ¡°You always make things up in your head.¡± He countered. ¡°You want people to feel sorry for you.¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s not true at all.¡±

    ¡°Then what¡¯s the problem, Whacko?¡±

    ¡°There¡¯s been some things that have left me a bit broken.¡± I replied, fighting myself from the argument he wanted. ¡°I¡¯m just tryin¡¯ to fix myself.¡±

    ¡°That only makes you more of a loser in life than you already are.¡± He told me, while moving down the edge of his lawn to dig his cutters into other blades of grass hanging off the edge.

    ¡°It takes a lot of strength for someone to walk into a psychiatrist office and admit they need help.¡±

    ¡°I went through a lot more than you ever have.¡± He jabbed. ¡°And I don¡¯t need a drug to help me get through life.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯ve never worked a job that demands your mind and not your hands.¡± I jabbed back.

    ¡°That degree sure has gotten you really far.¡± he counterpunched. ¡°That¡¯s why you¡¯re a failure in life.¡±

    After years of being told you¡¯re a failure, you eventually start to believe it¡ªespecially when it comes from a parent. Here I was at my lowest point, and my father just didn¡¯t care. I had to carve out a path of my own because one was never laid out for me. I chose a profession in which I knew no one that could help me get ahead¡ªit would be solely up to me and that made it an even harder task to be successful. Yet, just five months ago, I was on schedule to be promoted as a partner of a successful CPA firm and now all that remained were insults from my support system. This was the one thing I admired about Jackson and Anya, that although I disagreed with the way they taught their children true values, at least they gave them a road map and put them in the position to be successful in life¡ªsomething I never had. Any amount of success I experienced was completely done through hard work and discipline. And if I never believed in love, which was a miracle in itself with my father raising me, I would¡¯ve never made it this far in life.

    In his defense, my father gave up a lot in life when he married my mother after she got pregnant with me¡ªafter his own mother demonized him for making a decision any good man and father would make. His reward for fulfilling his duty as a father was his mother choosing to never acknowledge him again. I never knew my father¡¯s mother, my own grandmother, but I''m sure she at least hoped, if she didn¡¯t try to convince him, to abort me. The fact I made it out of the womb alive had to be a miracle. I never held any bad feelings towards her, but my father seemed to harbor her ill will towards me especially at my lowest points¡ªand I lost the patience to tolerate it. Tobey told me to choose healthy relationships and to get rid of toxic ones. His attack brought me back to the time he wrote ¡°Landyn Does Not Make College¡± on the blackboard¡ªan education I worked two jobs to pay for. I had to work hard for everything I accomplished with little to no help, or even encouragement from him yet he had the audacity to criticize my decision for going to college even calling me a failure? If I was indeed ¡°whacko¡±, he certainly had a hand in it.

    After my father called me a failure, I walked away and stormed back into the house to avoid saying anything that could escalate things. While trying to calm my mind down while hoping to avoid my mother, she appeared from behind me.

    ¡°I thought you left, Honey?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m leavin¡¯ now.¡±

    ¡°Here.¡± she said, stuffing a pill bottle sternly in my pocket. ¡°Be careful. Please.¡±

    ¡°Thanks.¡± I said realizing my mother overheard our conversation. ¡°We were that loud, huh?¡±

    ¡°You know your father.¡± she smiled, shaking her head.

    After giving her a hug, I looked back at her and shook my head. The disappointment in myself and the sadness in her eyes carried a bittersweet feeling only because of the Vicodin she gave me. Before getting inside my car, I waved to my dad as he acknowledged me with a rapid nod. When safely inside, I removed the pill bottle from my pocket noticing she had given me half her prescription bottle. She must¡¯ve reasoned I¡¯d make a few trips over the rest of the week and end up taking half anyway. More than anything she knew how much anxiety my father¡¯s harsh criticism caused me. After losing my career and struggling to find work, my mother knew he had crossed the line in critiquing me. The last thing I aimed to do was make excuses, but this world was a lot more expensive now than it was when my father bought his home thirty years ago. Also, there were a lot more people competing for jobs than there were thirty years ago and if he had to try and make it in today¡¯s world, he would¡¯ve had a hell of a time. The last thing I needed was his negativity¡ªit¡¯s all I¡¯ve ever heard from him. I can¡¯t be around him anymore because of it and that¡¯s a horrible thing to feel for my father. I understood where his discontent came from, but I refused to be his punching bag anymore. My mind needed to get well and if he thought putting me down at my lowest point was inspirational and done out of love, it sure didn¡¯t feel like it. My father¡¯s attacks couldn¡¯t have come at a worse time and without Vicodin, I would¡¯ve easily scaled the bridge. Vicodin and Anya holding onto my necklace were the only things I had in life anymore. Most fathers wanted their kids to believe in themselves, but all mine did was teach me how to never believe in myself. Most of the time, I didn¡¯t even feel like a human being around him, only encouraging me to achieve nothing better than mediocrity in life. I think his worst nightmare was to see me become more successful than him. He thought of himself as the measuring stick and anything else would be a failure. A parent was supposed to instill confidence in their children, not rip them apart. If I was a junkie, or a criminal, then he could rip me to shreds, but to call me a loser and a failure because I¡¯ve had some bad luck? Everything I ever did in life was with great passion. I worked super hard to be a partner at my firm¡ªI never expected to be betrayed by a trusted co-worker and lose my career fighting for love. My father¡¯s words removed me even further from the human race¡ªI didn¡¯t even feel worthy of being loved because of his issues. My father was supposed to be my support system, not the reason for my demise. If Anya¡¯s love would lead me to climb to the highest point of a bridge, then my father¡¯s words would be the hand that shoved me off.

    The brain is the body¡¯s most powerful organ¡ªthe central command center. When the mission control center is disjointed or disabled, the entire human experience is threatened. After leaving the house, I soon found myself outside ¡°The Good Morning Caf¨¦¡±, contemplating whether to go inside or to put an end to this miserable existence. My birthday was just days away, and thirty-nine felt more like seventy-nine. After a half hour of serious contemplation, I swallowed a Vicodin then tucked my large black Bible of heartache under my arm. Before entering the cafe, I noticed Theresa was seated outside, and Crazy Dave and his sidekick were in their usual spots. Quietly slipping in, I slid into the usual black leather chair and buried my head into the binder; trying desperately to avoid any social interaction. While attempting to stave off my father¡¯s words and the stress to remain anti-social, the anxiety forced me away from the chair and back out to my car to take another pill. After allowing a few more minutes for the second Vicodin to kick in, I gained the strength to walk back inside the caf¨¦. Before I could clandestinely return to bury my face in the binder, Theresa was now seated next to me. I then heard paper rustling, as Crazy Dave¡¯s blue eyes peered over his newspaper before disappearing behind it after meeting mine. Although this caused me great anxiety, I tried to be a good sport about it.

    ¡°How are you?¡± I greeted Theresa unenthusiastically.

    ¡°I¡¯m super! How are you?¡±

    ¡°Great! Thanks!¡± I replied, attempting to not let the word ¡°super¡± bother me as much as it did.

    ¡°How¡¯s the book research comin¡¯ along?¡± she asked, turning her body towards mine.

    ¡°Huh?¡±

    ¡°The book research?¡± She reiterated, touching my binder. ¡°You told me you were thinkin¡¯ about writing a book?¡±

    ¡°Oh. Well, to be honest¡­I¡¯m not really researching right now.¡± I explained, trying to disconnect with her. ¡°I¡¯m more reflecting on the things in here.¡±

    ¡°Reflecting?¡±

    ¡°I broke up with my girlfriend four months ago.¡± I admitted with a bigger purpose in mind for sharing.

    ¡°I¡¯m sorry.¡±

    ¡°Thank you. This actually might sound a bit crazy, but I kept a journal every day we were together. I decided to print them out and throw them in this big binder.¡±

    ¡°Wow! You¡¯ve done a lot of work.¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s a lot of writing, but it¡¯s fun for me.¡± I explained. ¡°My ex and I used to talk about me writing a book about our relationship¡ªshe even gave me some titles. Of course, it was all in good fun at the time¡ªI never thought we¡¯d ever break up. Anyway, I printed my journals out so I could look at them to see how I could write the book.¡±

    ¡°You must be heartbroken.¡±

    ¡°Terribly.¡± I nodded, hoping she would receive this as disinterest. ¡°It was a very special relationship.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯ve had my heart broken too.¡± she revealed, her eyes falling to the ground and away from mine.

    ¡°Just recently?¡±

    ¡°No, it was two years ago.¡± She said, bringing her green eyes back into mine. ¡°I still have a hard time getting past it.¡±

    ¡°I get it¡ªthere¡¯s a reason I¡¯m toting this Bible around.¡±

    ¡°Do you wanna talk about it?¡±

    When she asked me if I wanted to talk about it, she seemed to be looking for a way to connect with me¡ªthe last thing I wanted. Although I¡¯m sure she still struggled with her loss even after two years, I couldn¡¯t find trust in her reason for wanting to know the details of mine.

    ¡°That¡¯s very nice of you to offer, but today¡¯s not a good day for me¡ªI really need to get some things done while I¡¯m here.¡±

    ¡°I understand.¡± she said before handing me her business card. ¡°If you¡¯d ever like to talk, please don¡¯t hesitate to call.¡±

    ¡°Thank you.¡± I answered, briefly looking at her card before putting it in my pocket.

    Could I ask you for your number as well?¡± She asked, a pen suddenly in her hand.

    After remembering she was trying to become a therapist, it didn¡¯t seem like she was interested in dating, but rather looking for a lab rat.

    ¡°Thank you, Landyn.¡± she said after writing my number down then putting her pen back into her bag. ¡°I have to get back outside¡ªI have a client comin¡¯ by.¡±

    ¡°Oh, ok. Good luck Theresa.¡± I told her, relieved. ¡°Have a nice day.¡±

    ¡°You too¡± she said, putting her hand on my shoulder before leaving.

    Theresa made me feel safe, and by giving her my number, maybe it would be good to get someone else¡¯s opinion who also went through a hard heartbreak¡ªa like-minded person who could provide unbiased opinions and advice. Now that she knew the contents of my big binder, she was unlikely interested in dating me, but rather more focused on building a clientele. If she knew heartbreak for two years and counting, she also knew how unavailable the creator of the Bible binder was.

    I went home that evening, on a rainy night, and opened my bedroom window to listen to the rain fall from the sky and into my heart. As it pelted my window and the leaves of the trees outside, it brought my sadness into such sharp focus, I swallowed two Vicodin. While lying on my bed, peering out into the shroud of what used to be, my mind took me to where she wasn¡¯t¡ªwith me. Remembering those days her love for me was so real, days we looked forward to now morphed into fantasy, leaving behind the most horrific sorrow.

    When the Vicodin made me feel as if Anya was with me, the internet beckoned me. I first visited Katie¡¯s Facebook page yet again, noticing her own father was not a friend, and that all of her pictures were no longer there. I then searched for her father¡¯s Facebook page, and even his profile was missing¡ªwhich explained why he didn¡¯t show up as one of her friends. This prompted me to visit his Company¡¯s website and even all those pictures were down. Not knowing what to make of it, I reined in my inner cyberstalker to focus on the harsh words my father had about me being a failure in life. If Anya were to ever come back to me, I needed to figure my life out first. Spending my free time high on Vicodin with my nose inside a three-ring binder at a coffee shop wouldn¡¯t cut it. I was a certified public accountant with ten years of experience in both public and private accounting. The only way I¡¯d be able to control a partner¡¯s salary ever again would be to do this on my own¡ªto never work for another employer ever again. Why rely on someone else for income when I could make more money and even have more time if I worked for myself? I still had enough money saved up to give it a shot but needed one client to build my business up from there. If my business failed, like I often did, what would I have to fall back on? If I decided to do this, it was all in or nothing. It wasn¡¯t about being rich but feeling rich inside¡ªthere had to be intrinsic value in this for me. If I was successful, but my clients weren¡¯t, I could never feel right about that. This CPA license had to be used to help others, not to only benefit myself. I¡¯d still look for work in the meantime, but if my job search the last seven months has taught me anything, it¡¯s that being your own boss was the way to go.

    It wasn¡¯t long before my thoughts brought me back to the missing Facebook profiles and pictures. Maybe Anya removed the pics because I told her that their marriage was used as a marketing tool for business purposes? Or maybe she told him she didn¡¯t want the pics up there because she didn¡¯t want me to see them? If he wouldn¡¯t allow her to be with me though, then I it¡¯s hard to believe he¡¯d allow her to take their pictures down off the company website. When Valentine¡¯s Day arrived, I thought Katie would certainly have posted pics of Anya and Jackson on her Facebook page¡ªbut she never did. Not only was I surprised, but thankful¡ªthere was only so much more I could handle. Maybe she had the pics removed because the CD I burned for her meant something? She never wrote demanding me to never contact her again, so maybe she was having a change of heart? Allowing myself to hope was something I needed in order to breathe because I missed her so much. Her laugh and smile¡ªthe way she loved the same things I did. I longed for the way she loved me¡ªthe way she touched me. The way she¡¯d look at me before she kissed me¡ªhow she¡¯d run her fingers through my hair. The way she kissed my chest and brought her body into mine. How¡¯d she¡¯d cuddle up to me, lay her head on my chest and just fall asleep so easily. Even holding her in my arms brought meaning because I knew she loved being in them¡ªmissing her just murders me. It was never about making love, but about making once in a lifetime moments together. The pure enjoyment of the little things is what made it such a special relationship. If Anya wanted or planned to work wholeheartedly on her marriage, she would¡¯ve at least kept a pic of them up together for the world to see somewhere, and not have them taken down.

    I stayed away from my parent¡¯s house and even the coffee shop for a few days¡ªopting to be depressed at home instead. After landing an interview, I was once again rejected during those three days. Knowing my father wouldn¡¯t be home, I visited my mother to see how she was doing. I didn¡¯t hate my father, I just didn¡¯t need his pessimism right now, I carried enough on my own. When I walked into my mother¡¯s room, she was pleasantly surprised to see me. After she teased me for not being around for four days, she made the mistake of asking me how I was doing. With Anya on my mind twenty-four seven, there was no way around talking about how much I missed her. My mother at this point, whether it was because she wrote me back or she knew how heartbroken I was, would let me have the floor. Of course, eventually, I¡¯d take the wrong turn and need a Vicodin to deal with her difference of opinion.

    ¡°I just get so mad at her husband.¡± I told her. ¡°I don¡¯t wish death on him or anything like that, but he disgusts me.¡±

    ¡°Why? What did he do?¡±

    ¡°What did he do? You¡¯re kidding, right?¡±

    ¡°No. I¡¯m curious what you think he did to you.¡± She wondered.

    ¡°It¡¯s not just what he did, but what he didn¡¯t do.¡± I stated, annoyed. ¡°I¡¯m not Anya¡¯s husband¡ªher heart wasn¡¯t my responsibility.¡±

    ¡°Well, you took that responsibility on by seeing her.¡±

    ¡°That would¡¯ve never happened if he didn¡¯t let his wife feel the need to act like a single person. If he wouldn¡¯t ¡°allow¡± her to be with me, then why is he allowing that? Why did he cheat on his wife while she was pregnant? Why did he cheat on her with another married woman?¡±

    My mother just looked at me, not knowing what to say.

    ¡°You know, I may still be alone. I may still not know what love feels like, but I¡¯d be okay with never knowing all of that.¡± I continued. ¡°He basically gave her the freedom to break my heart because he didn¡¯t give a damn about hers, nor anyone else¡¯s! That¡¯s what he¡¯s done to me! Please don¡¯t defend that marriage wrecker¡ªcheating on his wife while¡¯s she pregnant with another man¡¯s wife because she¡¯s not in the mood to have sex with him is bullshit. I don¡¯t deserve to feel this anguish, he does.¡±

    ¡°I wasn¡¯t defending him. I was just askin¡¯ the question.¡±

    ¡°The way you phrased it rubbed me the wrong way.¡± I stated, trying to calm down. ¡°You made it sound like I had no right to feel the way I do about him. Like he¡¯s this innocent bystander and loving hubby¡ªhe¡¯s far from.¡±

    ¡°No, no, you have a right to feel the way you do about him.¡± She told me. ¡°I was just tryin¡¯ to say that maybe you should be mad at her, too?¡±

    ¡°Anya didn¡¯t have to write me back after sending her that letter. She could¡¯ve written me back to tell me to never contact her again, instead she thanked me for the letter.¡± I pointed out. ¡°I believe she¡¯s in love with me still and she always will be. I don¡¯t want her to be alone, to suffer, or be sad for the rest of her life. Divorces take a couple of years to iron out anyway, and people don¡¯t stay in two-year relationships to end up with someone else. I still have to mean something to her.¡±

    ¡°When you love someone, you can¡¯t stand being away from them.¡± She countered.

    ¡°I couldn¡¯t agree more.¡± I replied, exhaling deeply.

    ¡°Landy, Doctor Halmann, my Oncologist, told me my cancer is starting to advance again.¡± She broke. ¡°I have to go back on chemo starting next week.¡±

    My mother¡¯s news left me in a state of shock. What did her Oncologist mean her Cancer was advancing?

    ¡°When did he tell you this?¡±

    ¡°Yesterday.¡± She answered, bringing her hands to the top of her head. ¡°I was just startin¡¯ to grow my hair back, too.¡±

    My mother¡¯s head was covered with gray hair now and it broke my heart to hear the disappointment in her voice. It broke my heart even more to know that she spent time trying to reason with a broken mind that wouldn¡¯t allow her only son to fully understand all she communicated to me.

    ¡°I¡¯m sorry, Mom.¡± I said, sitting down next to her and rubbing her back. ¡°Did he sound optimistic?¡±

    ¡°He did.¡± she said, nodding her head then reaching for a tissue. ¡°We just have to go back in there and kick its butt one more time. I¡¯m just¡­well, I don¡¯t know.¡±

    ¡°What don¡¯t you know?¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t know if I wanna keep fightin¡¯ this thing. I¡¯m getting tired.¡± She told me, looking into the tissue she brought to her lap. ¡°I¡¯ve been fightin¡¯ this for twenty years now¡ªI just don¡¯t have the same energy anymore.¡±

    For the last twenty years, my mother was a fighter, not a quitter¡ªit was the first time I ever heard her sound even remotely defeated.

    ¡°You¡¯ve been kicking Cancer¡¯s ass for nearly twenty years, Mom.¡± I reminded her. ¡°You¡¯re even the longest known cancer survivor on the drug, Femara.¡±

    ¡°I think I just told you that¡ªI don¡¯t know if that¡¯s true or not.¡±

    ¡°Regardless, they told you that you wouldn¡¯t make it past five years and it¡¯s been seven now.¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s true.¡± She nodded. ¡°I remember my mother when she got lung cancer telling me she was tired and then she was gone. I feel the same way.¡±

    ¡°Grandma was ¡°tired¡± because she smoked for nearly her entire life and her body couldn¡¯t fight back.¡± I retorted. ¡°But you¡¯ve never compromised your body like she did and I know it¡¯s strong enough to beat this thing again. Like Dr. Halmann said¡ªyou just gotta go back in there and knock it out one last time. It¡¯s just one more battle, Mom and you haven¡¯t lost one yet.¡±

    My mother smiled at me and laid her hand on top of mine.

    ¡°You¡¯d tell me if there was somethin¡¯ I didn¡¯t know, right?¡± I asked.

    She then turned to face me.

    ¡°I told you I would.¡±

    ¡°I just wanna make sure you didn¡¯t forget.¡± I told her. ¡°Knowing would help me, not save me from being hurt.¡±

    ¡°Nah, I¡¯d tell you.¡±

    ¡°Okay good! Then I know you got this!¡±

    As we sat there in silence, my mother¡¯s bedroom door slowly opened before my father¡¯s head appeared through its opening.

    ¡°Everything alright in here?¡± he asked. ¡°Hi, Son.¡±

    ¡°Dad.¡± I acknowledged with a nod.

    ¡°Everything is fine. What¡¯s up?¡± my mother asked.

    ¡°I was thinkin¡¯ about grabbing dinner?¡±

    ¡°Ooooh! In-N-Out sounds good.¡± My mother said.

    ¡°Landyn?¡± my father asked.

    ¡°In-N-Out sounds good to me, too¡ªa number two please.¡±

    ¡°I would just like a hamburger.¡± my mom said. ¡°and a strawberry shake.¡±

    ¡°And five orders of French fries, and a hot fudge sundae and can they make the sundae animal style?¡± I teased her.

    ¡°Stop it, Landy.¡± She said, raising her hand to slap me¡ªlike she did when I was younger that always made me laugh.

    ¡°Okay, I¡¯ll be right back.¡± My father said shaking his head.

    My mother then took her remote control and pointed it at the television.

    ¡°Well, I guess you two are back on speakin¡¯ terms.¡± She said, as her television screen came to life.

    ¡°I guess so.¡± I said, smiling. ¡°In-N-Out never fails.¡±

 CHAPTER 25 ~ GOD AT WORK

    ¡°The grass was greener.

    The light was brighter.

    The taste was sweeter.

    The nights of wonder.

    With friends surrounded

    The dawn mist glowing

    The water flowing

    The endless river

    Forever and ever.¡±

    ~ ¡°High Hopes¡± Pink Floyd

    Life had suddenly taken a turn for the worse for me; I couldn¡¯t find a job to save my life during the greatest economic downturn since the Great Depression. I had business ideas but was so mentally distraught over my break up, I lacked the drive to put them into action. I became so addicted to Vicodin I¡¯d have dreams about having an endless supply, and now my mother was going back on chemo because her Cancer wanted one more round. The only thing I had left was Anya holding on to the necklace I gave her¡ªthe proof of hope. Her letter was only five sentences long on pretty stationary, but it gave me great life. After all we went through on the worst day of my life, the sixth day in the month of October, now over four months ago, she still held on to my necklace¡ªa sign that she still believed in our love. Even my mother conceded that Anya¡¯s response to my letter surprised her. Anya never said it, but her letter represented love and it¡¯s helped me get through the hardest time of my entire life. A moment of time so fragile, I was one bad step away from ending it all.

    Finding fault in Anya was as impossible as visiting the sun¡ªmy disdain reserved entirely for her husband and his unwillingness to allow her to leave him. Anya¡¯s heart was not a competition, and her decision was made two years ago. Even if she never ended up with me, the fact she was with two other men over the last three years of their marriage was indisputable evidence she didn¡¯t belong with him. How could her marriage survive several transgressions? They both only delayed the inevitable and lying to their kids made zero sense at this point¡ªunless she still loved him.

    While seated in my familiar black leather chair after spending a few days away from the cafe, Crazy Dave¡¯s friend took a seat in the armchair next to mine and faced me.

    ¡°I¡¯m not in your seat, am I?¡± he asked.

    ¡°Of course not.¡± I said, smiling. ¡°I don¡¯t own the coffee shop.¡±

    ¡°Well, I thought I¡¯d ask. Some people think they do.¡± he said, extending his hand out to mine. ¡°The name is Paul.¡±

    ¡°Landyn.¡± I replied, meeting his gesture.

    ¡°Nice to meet you, Landyn.¡±

    ¡°Likewise, Paul.¡±

    I couldn¡¯t help but notice how soft his hand was¡ªas if he bathed it in skin cream. Time had done a number on Paul; he was greatly wrinkled with thin strands of brown hair and a bottom lip that dangled so badly it looked as if his mouth was numb after a trip to the dentist. He had extremely sad green eyes that peered downwards as he quickly wiped the bottom of his chin after a stream of saliva trickled down. Paul wore a red flannel shirt with slightly rolled up sleeves and baggy brown pants with heavily scuffed dark brown shoes. He didn¡¯t look homeless, but he looked exactly like how I felt inside¡ªlike he hadn¡¯t slept in months.

    ¡°I usually come in here before my meetings.¡± he told me.

    ¡°What kind of meetings?¡±

    ¡°AA.¡±

    ¡°Oh.¡±

    ¡°I turned twelve years sober just a few days ago.¡±

    ¡°Happy birthday, Paul.¡± I acknowledged with a smile.

    ¡°Thank you. It hasn¡¯t been an easy road.¡± he said.

    ¡°Do you have meetings every day?¡±

    ¡°I was an alcoholic for over twenty years so yeah, pretty much.¡±

    ¡°The craving is still there after twelve years?¡±

    ¡°The craving never leaves me.¡±

    ¡°If you don¡¯t mind me asking, how old are you, Paul?¡±

    ¡°Seventy-two!¡± he exclaimed with a sense of pride. ¡°I found myself drinking more when I turned forty¡ªafter both my parents died unexpectedly.¡±

    ¡°Oh. Wow. I¡¯m really sorry to hear that¡­I couldn¡¯t imagine.¡±

    ¡°I struggled for years, but it wasn¡¯t until my wife left me that it got really out of hand.¡± He continued. ¡°My kids even stopped talkin¡¯ to me and that didn¡¯t even stop me from drinkin¡¯.¡±

    ¡°What did?¡± I inquired, closing my binder to focus on his story.

    ¡°Twelve years ago, I ran off the road and into someone¡¯s home¡ªalmost killing two people, one person severely.¡± He revealed. ¡°I got a DUI, went through counseling then rehab¡ªI¡¯ve been sober ever since.¡±

    Although my personal battle wasn¡¯t with alcohol, Paul¡¯s story shook me up. I couldn¡¯t imagine how difficult his days were after severely injuring someone because of something he felt he needed to get through the day¡ªlike me. If I removed Vicodin from my life, would I be able to face my reality head on? The timing of his introduction couldn¡¯t have been coincidental. If I had met Paul three years earlier, there wouldn¡¯t be an ounce of empathy for him. Now, I understood his struggle. We continued to talk after all he shared although I sensed he wanted to connect with someone who was in recovery like himself, but I didn¡¯t feel that much different from him at all¡ªhaving more in common with a recovering alcoholic than anyone else these days. Needless to say, it was easy to take a liking to Paul.

    When he left for his meeting about an hour after we started conversing, I took a Vicodin to heave myself back into the world within my black three ring binder. A few minutes in, a female voice disturbed my peace.

    ¡°How are you?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m good, Theresa. How are you?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m good¡­haven¡¯t seen you around the last few days.¡±

    ¡°Yeah, I had a job interview and some other things to take care of.¡±

    ¡°How¡¯d the interview go?¡±

    ¡°Back to the drawing board.¡± I said, shuffling the binder upon my lap.

    ¡°Sorry to hear that.¡±

    ¡°We¡¯re in a recession.¡± I replied, shrugging my shoulders.

    ¡°Something will come up soon for you.¡± She claimed, patting my leg. ¡°Just don¡¯t give up.¡±

    ¡°Thanks.¡± I said, looking down at my binder hoping she¡¯d see I wasn¡¯t in the mood for small talk.

    ¡°So, are you going to do it?¡± She asked abruptly, her eyes widening.

    ¡°Excuse me?¡±

    ¡°You know¡­are you gonna do it?¡± She asked again, touching my binder.

    ¡°I¡¯m sorry.¡± I answered in confusion. ¡°Do what?¡±

    ¡°Write the novel?¡±

    ¡°Oh!¡± I started to laugh. ¡°I am. I don¡¯t know when but I¡¯ve decided to do it.¡±

    ¡°I would love to read it!¡± she stated.

    ¡°Well, if it¡¯s any good I¡¯ll let you.¡± I smiled, still unsure if I had the strength to do it. ¡°I¡¯m not a novelist and even the best get rejected¡ªit¡¯s hard to get published.¡±

    ¡°You can post it online you know.¡± she informed me. ¡°It can get discovered that way.¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t think my ex would appreciate me doing that.¡± I told her.

    ¡°Why?¡±

    ¡°Well, it would be in the form of a memoir.¡± I told her. ¡°I¡¯d have to tell people it¡¯s fiction and come up with something that would hide the true story aspect of it.¡±

    ¡°Then why would she care?¡±

    ¡°I want to respect her privacy.¡± I said. ¡°I¡¯d have to talk to her about it first to see if she¡¯d be okay with it¡ªeven offer her a piece of the money I made on it if she allowed me to. Plus we¡¯re on the mend right now and I don¡¯t want to disrupt that.¡±

    ¡°On the mend? Are you getting¡¯ back together?¡±

    ¡°Hopefully one day.¡±

    ¡°But you don¡¯t know for sure?¡±

    ¡°Not at this time, no.¡± I admitted. ¡°But I believe in time we¡¯ll be together and I don¡¯t wanna risk that with a book about our relationship.¡±

    ¡°How long have you been broken up?¡±

    ¡°A little over four months.¡±

    Theresa gave me a look that could only be defined as incredulous, and when she started to laugh, I gripped my binder against my lap.

    ¡°Where is she?¡± She inquired, smiling.

    ¡°She¡¯s where she is right now.¡± I told her, bracing myself for her judgment.

    ¡°How long did you guys date?¡± She asked, shaking her head.

    ¡°Two years.¡±

    ¡°And you¡¯ve been broken up for four months?¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s right.¡± I replied, starting to feel a need for another Vicodin.

    ¡°Something doesn¡¯t add up.¡±

    ¡°It doesn¡¯t have to add up.¡± I retorted. ¡°The two years I spent with her were the best years of my life by far and what we shared is special enough to wait and see what happens.¡±

    ¡°Why aren¡¯t you together?¡± She pressed.

    ¡°We can¡¯t be together right now.¡±

    ¡°Is she married?¡±

    When Theresa asked me this, my racing mind came to a sudden stop¡ªI had no clue how to answer that.

    ¡°How¡¯d you know that?¡± I asked.

    ¡°I¡¯m a behavioral science counselor, remember?¡± She reminded me, smiling.

    ¡°Ahhhh, forgot about that.¡± I nodded.

    ¡°Did you know she was married?¡±

    ¡°I did.¡± I reluctantly admitted. ¡°But I only dated her under the condition that she would leave if she fell in love with me¡ªI didn¡¯t jump into this with two feet wanting to wreck a home. She promised me she would be with me if I swept her off her feet so I trusted her enough to give her a chance at happiness.¡±

    ¡°What about her husband?¡± She shot. ¡°Didn¡¯t you feel bad for him?¡±

    ¡°Her husband had cheated on her several times¡ªonce while she was pregnant with her son. He cheated on her with another married woman, eventually wrecking that marriage.¡± I relayed to her. ¡°He¡¯s abused her emotionally and mentally for years...I only chose to be a part of her life to give her a chance at a better one.¡±

    ¡°How come she never divorced him?¡±

    ¡°She was afraid that if she left him, she would be alone and no one would want to be with someone who had two kids.¡±

    ¡°I see.¡± she said. ¡°Did she tell you to wait for her? That she would leave him?¡±

    ¡°No.¡± I said, once again desperately craving a pill. ¡°We had a bad fallout four months ago because I was upset with her for not leaving him. A month ago, I wrote her a letter to smooth things out and she even wrote me back. Eventually I think she¡¯ll leave him. Now is just not the right time.¡±

    ¡°What she say in the letter that makes you believe she¡¯ll leave?¡±

    ¡°Well, just everything she¡¯s ever told me¡ªall we¡¯ve ever shared.¡± I said, focusing on Anya¡¯s choice of stationary more than her words. ¡°She¡¯s holdin¡¯ onto a necklace I got her and it gives me hope she still believes in our love.¡±

    Theresa put her head down and looked around the caf¨¦ before bringing her wide blue eyes back into mine. She then revealed how she knew I dated a married person.

    ¡°I dated a married person too.¡± She whispered, slightly nodding.

    ¡°You did?¡±

    ¡°I did.¡± She whispered again, pulling a tissue from her black bag and dabbing her eye. ¡°He promised me he would leave her.¡±

    ¡°Did he?¡± I whispered back.

    ¡°After five years, he finally did.¡± She replied, nodding.

    ¡°Five years? How¡¯d you manage that?¡±

    ¡°I really loved the man.¡±

    ¡°Did they have any children?¡±

    ¡°They had two.¡± She stated with two fingers. ¡°He broke his promise to me a few times but finally left after I threatened to leave him.¡±

    I didn¡¯t want to pry into Theresa¡¯s life but she presented an opportunity to tap into Anya¡¯s possible mind set.

    ¡°Did his wife cheat on him?¡± I asked. ¡°Why did he want to leave her?¡±

    ¡°He told me she was boring.¡± She explained. ¡°He got bored with his marriage and wanted out.¡±

    ¡°Bored? He was just bored?¡±

    ¡°Yep.¡± she responded, speaking lowly. ¡°I fell for it, Landyn.¡±

    ¡°Fell for it?¡±

    ¡°After we were married, he then got bored with me too.¡± she revealed.

    ¡°I¡¯m sorry to hear that.¡± I said. ¡°Did that lead you to start studying behavioral science?¡±

    ¡°It all ties in nicely, doesn¡¯t it?¡±

    ¡°I get it.¡± I consoled, shaking my head and patting my binder. ¡°That kind of shit changes you.¡±

    ¡°Forever.¡± She said, amending my statement.

    It would be unfair to be critical of Theresa. It was very thoughtful and brave for her to share her story. Especially one that led to a great deal of heartbreak and sorrow. If Anya had just been bored with her marriage though, I would¡¯ve never given her a chance. It was ¡°for better or for worse¡± and ¡°til¡¯ death do you part¡± for a reason. In my opinion, boredom wasn¡¯t a good enough reason to be involved with a married person, especially in accordance with the Ten Commandments. I felt my love for Anya could be justified since the vows ¡°to honor and cherish¡± were blatantly broken. She told me she didn¡¯t want to work on her marriage, even telling me there was no marriage and her desire to wear my ring. For me to be involved in an extramarital relationship, the marriage had to essentially, if not officially, be over. If I had known she would equate me wanting to be together with breaking the hearts of her two children, I would¡¯ve never gotten involved no matter how beautiful she was. If Anya had just been bored with her marriage and I pursued a relationship with her, I¡¯d be deserving of the pain I felt without her. My reasons for being involved with a married person though were not the same as Theresa¡¯s. She should¡¯ve seen the writing on the wall, but love blinded us all.

    Although I didn¡¯t intend to publish it online, when I left the Good Morning Caf¨¦, a fire burned inside me to begin writing my novel, giving it the working title of ¡°Beyond Forever¡±. Both Theresa and Paul showed me there was a market for this story¡ªa tale people could relate to. People who struggle with addiction and those who find themselves in extramarital relationships are the misunderstood and needed a voice¡ªone usually kept silenced by shame. If I could somehow find the strength to tell my story, then maybe it could help those who couldn¡¯t articulate it for themselves and wanted to remain being perceived as a functioning member of society. I was beyond praising this phony society and was ready to bring its hypocrisy into the light of truth. And regardless of the differences of reasoning behind me and Theresa choosing to get involved with married people, it was nice to feel a little less alone in the world. There was someone to talk to now instead of my poor mother who had a battle of her own. Anya still occupied my thoughts all seconds of the day¡ªas if she never left my life. More than four months after our breakup she was still the first thing on my mind in the morning and the last thing on my mind before succumbing to the moon. I likely stopped dwelling in her, but she dwelled in me. At least Theresa provided an outlet for me to work through my emotions and in return, she could confide in someone who shared most of the same experience. We could both learn how our lives have been altered bringing some sense of normalcy during an abnormal grieving process.

    The next morning, I had a therapy appointment with Tobey, and when I told her about Theresa, she couldn¡¯t contain herself.

    ¡°So, do you see potential in this Theresa?¡± she asked. ¡°She seems like a special person.¡±

    ¡°Oh, that? Oh no, I don¡¯t think so Tobey¡± I replied, quickly shooting down any possibilities of interest in her.

    ¡°Why not?¡± she bargained. ¡°You¡¯re single, she¡¯s single. I don¡¯t see an issue.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m still in love with my ex.¡± I stated. ¡°I¡¯m not looking to meet anyone.¡±

    ¡°She¡¯s not leaving him, Landyn.¡± she counter stated.

    ¡°She just hasn¡¯t left him yet.¡± I corrected.

    ¡°No doubt she¡¯s unhappy, but she¡¯s not severely unhappy.¡± She informed me. ¡°At least enough to leave him.¡±

    If I could¡¯ve swallowed a Vicodin down right in front of her, I would¡¯ve¡ªwhat she said made me feel extremely uneasy.

    ¡°I don¡¯t wanna disagree with you Tobey¡ªyou¡¯re the expert here.¡± I told her, leaning towards her while seated on her sofa. ¡°You¡¯ve helped me a great deal, but I¡¯m not ready to believe that¡­if ever. She responded to my letter and she still holds onto my necklace¡ªshe still believes in us.¡±

    ¡°Have you heard from her since she responded to your letter?¡±

    ¡°I haven¡¯t, but I¡¯m sure her husband is watchin¡¯ her every move.¡± I explained, hoping she¡¯d understand the nuances of an extramarital relationship. ¡°I sent her a CD and another letter a couple of weeks ago too and she never returned them to me.¡±

    ¡°Are you sure she received them?¡±

    ¡°I sent them to the same place I sent the first letter¡ªI¡¯d have no reason to doubt she didn¡¯t.¡± I countered. ¡°I really believe her husband is eyeballing her every move and she doesn¡¯t have the freedom she used to have.¡±

    ¡°Would you agree to this Landyn?¡± she asked.

    ¡°Agree to what?¡±

    ¡°Would you agree she could go through a friend to contact you if she still wanted to see you? If she really wanted to be with you?¡± she asked. ¡°What would stop her from going through a friend?¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t think her friends are as supportive as they were.¡± I reasoned, but feeling the brain shivers Zoloft left behind. ¡°I don¡¯t know if they would do that for her.¡±

    ¡°Regardless Landyn, as much as this has broken your heart, this breakup is a good thing.¡± She said, noticing how uncomfortable her line of questioning was making me. ¡°If she were to leave, she couldn¡¯t leave for you, but for herself. You were only reinforcing her decision to stay by being there for her.¡±

    ¡°That I can agree with.¡± I nodded.

    ¡°I think you need to do yourself a favor.¡± She said, repositioning herself on the chair.

    ¡°What¡¯s that? Stop believing she will come back to me one day?¡±

    ¡°Well, you¡¯ll need to figure that out in time.¡± She answered. ¡°But for right now, don¡¯t just be mad with her husband, but be mad with her as well.¡±

    ¡°I¡­okay¡± I replied, reluctantly nodding but knowing it could never happen.

    ¡°Let¡¯s meet in another two weeks.¡± she said.

    After nodding and thanking her, I left the session with knots in my stomach. Although I left her sessions at times more haunted than when I arrived, she helped me more than she hurt me. Walking into her office came with great reservations, but over time she proved to me how ridiculous my skepticism was. She helped me learn a great deal about myself, but my mind was fragile and negativity set my progress back right now. Everyone who falls in love believes they have the greatest love story of all time¡ªI understood those are the types of people Tobey dealt with, but she talked to a man who dreamt about love his entire life. A man who dreamt for decades about having a woman like Anya and when he finally meets her, she¡¯s better than the woman in his dreams. Tobey was up against a man who not only lost the love of his life, but the reason for his life and all the dreams that came along with it. If she threw negativity at me, telling me Anya didn¡¯t love me or she didn¡¯t want to be with me, it may cause me to scale a marine green bridge overlooking the Los Angeles Harbor. I put on a smiling face for Tobey because my ego wouldn¡¯t allow me to be sad in front of her, but inside a bomb ticked constantly and could explode at any time, and for reasons that wouldn¡¯t be recognized as normal.

    If taken at face value, I could even admit it appeared Anya didn¡¯t love me and there was no chance to us. The problem was that I remembered Anya¡¯s voice cracking on the last day we spoke on the phone¡ªno one else heard her sadness but me. There were countless times we argued, mostly because of me, when we struggled terribly only to figure things out and having a better understanding of each other. For our relationship to last two years alone under the circumstances was astonishing. Like the energy around us we can¡¯t see, touch or hear¡ªher love was still there too¡ªit just had to be. There were only two people in the entire universe who knew all we felt and shared¡ªthere was no erasing it. I not only saw her tears, but I¡¯ve tasted them too. Even when I did question her love at the end, she showed me her tears were real and they were for us. She never cried a river, or bawled or wailed incessantly, but her eyes ran a steady stream of quiet and genuine despair enough to believe they spoke to me. Especially the time she was in Seattle for her cousin¡¯s wedding with her parents¡ªI¡¯ll never forget how hard she tried to find her breath that night before my phone battery died.

    Believing that Anya still loved me was my greatest test of faith. While everyone around me tried to reason against the very nature of God, I had to believe they were wrong. I had to believe and trust in Anya¡¯s tears while everyone saw the pain her loss brought me¡ªand they didn¡¯t even know the half of it. My addiction and suicidal thoughts were only getting stronger. Tobey did what any good therapist would do for their patient and client. She not only cared about the well-being and struggles of this patient, but also every other patient that walked through her doors. After feeling unsettled after this last session, I decided to make it my last. At face value, Tobey was right about the way things were, but I still saw them too differently to continue. If I ended up taking my life, I¡¯d have to send her a note now too¡ªI didn¡¯t want her to feel she failed me when the universe did.

    After my therapy session, and once again with my three-ring monstrosity in tow, I went to the Good Morning Caf¨¦, taking a Vicodin before I dared stepping a foot inside. Without the pill, I¡¯d be too sensitive to deal with anyone¡¯s discouragement. It was getting darkly depressing to know after two months since coming to the caf¨¦ almost daily, that it was super easy to run into people I didn¡¯t want to see but impossible to run into the one I did. When I took my usual spot in the black leather chair, the usual suspects, Paul and Crazy Dave were already there. Although they shared the same space, Dave had his nose in the newspaper and Paul just stared at his cup of coffee. Before I could open my binder, a soft voice touched my ears.

    ¡°Hello.¡±

    ¡°Hi.¡± I replied, turning around to face her. ¡°How are you?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m great! How are you?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m doing well, thanks.¡±

    The woman who stood before me was a thin attractive olive-skinned brunette, likely in her late twenties. She had a white smile, almond shaped brown eyes, raised cheekbones and full lips. She wore little make-up and looked like she had just gotten her hair and nails done. She then put her hand lightly on my shoulder knelt down to and whispered in my ear.

    ¡°Can I be so bold to ask you for your phone number? I¡¯d like to ask you out for coffee sometime, if that¡¯s okay.¡±

    Both extremely flattered and caught off guard by her interest, I didn¡¯t know what to say. I then looked around the cafe, wondering if someone was playing a prank on me. While scanning the room, Dave¡¯s eyes were peeking behind the top of the newspaper, but quickly disappeared when he noticed mine staring back at him. Paul¡¯s lower lip dangled lower than usual, his eyes no longer on the cup. No doubt this woman was intoxicating and insatiable, but this kind of thing happened to me one time before and the pain was still fresh.

    ¡°What¡¯s your name?¡± I asked.

    ¡°Claudia.¡± She replied, her nails now lightly scratching the top of my shoulder.

    ¡°Do you know my name?¡±

    ¡°How would I know your name?¡± she laughed, her face fully lighting up.

    ¡°Oh, I just thought you might have.¡± I told her, extending my hand out. ¡°Nice to meet you, Claudia.¡±

    ¡°Nice to meet you, too¡­Landyn¡± she said, taking my hand in hers while believing someone at the cafe told her my name. ¡°I come in here for an Espresso and always see you by yourself. I¡¯m sorry for assuming you might be single.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m flattered, Claudia¡ªyou¡¯re very pretty.¡± I told her.

    ¡°Thank you.¡±

    ¡°I have to be honest, but I¡¯m just coming out of a relationship and I¡¯m not ready to meet someone new. I hope you understand.¡±

    ¡°Oh, okay¡­I understand.¡± She replied, a look of surprise on her face. ¡°Just thought I¡¯d try.¡±

    ¡°You made my day. Very sweet of you. Thank you.¡± I told her.

    I didn¡¯t care how attractive a woman was¡ªit took a ton of guts to approach a man to ask him for his phone number. Claudia¡¯s interest in getting to know me, just from coming inside the caf¨¦ for an Espresso, was a very kind gesture. If I hadn¡¯t met Anya, we¡¯d both be entered into each other¡¯s phones but my heart was still taken. I didn¡¯t appreciate it when Lexi went out on a date with me while her heart was with another man, and I refused to disrespect Claudia like that. It was just a shame that might deter her in the future so I wanted to make sure she knew the gesture made my day. Although Anya and I were no longer, she still remained in my heart and after all the turmoil I caused in her life, I didn¡¯t feel right about seeing someone else. When I thought of the times she broke down in front of her kids, even threatening Jackson with divorce, dating again was disrespectful to how her marriage was forever affected by me. I still loved Anya and although turning down Claudia would be perceived as the act of a madman; it was the right thing for a widower to do.

    After Claudia left the caf¨¦ without a new phone contact, I would soon have some explaining to do.

    ¡°Who in Sam¡¯s hell was that?¡± Crazy Dave said to me, his hand covering his mouth as if we were on a baseball mound. ¡°She was a knock out¡ªa perfect ten!¡±

    ¡°All she did was say hello to me¡ªI don¡¯t know who she was.¡±

    ¡°Do you know her?¡± Prodded Paul.

    ¡°Nope. She wanted to exchange phone numbers but I¡¯m not ready to date anyone right now.¡±

    ¡°She wanted your number? Odelay Holmes!¡± Dave exclaimed, even putting down his newspaper. ¡°Did you at least exchange numbers?¡±

    ¡°No Sir.¡±

    ¡°There¡¯s no such thing as a bad time with a knock out! She¡¯s a perfect ten!¡± He announced to the entire caf¨¦.

    ¡°Well, my ex was a knockout¡ªa perfect ten, too.¡± I told him.

    If they had known Anya, they would¡¯ve seen how rational my decision not to exchange numbers was. Without her there though, all Crazy Dave and Paul could do was shake their heads in disbelief. I wasn¡¯t good looking enough to turn down women like Claudia by any stretch of the imagination and was the last man who could afford to do such a thing. What they didn¡¯t know was when my heart was with someone else, there could be no one else. It didn¡¯t matter if Anya knew if I was true to her or not because I was true to myself¡ªI had already met my soulmate.

    When I got home that evening, I found myself back on the computer to keep up with the Caiaphas¡¯s. When I came across Katie¡¯s Facebook profile, she posted a new profile pic of herself wearing something rather ostentatious for a fourteen-year-old. In fact, she didn¡¯t look fourteen at all but much older. Was this Katie acting out again like she did during her seventh-grade year? Or maybe I was being too old fashioned and two-piece bikini pics were the norm among teenagers these days? I really hoped Katie wasn¡¯t rebelling against her disciplinary parents, and if she was, I hoped Anya and Jackson both had strong opinions against it. If she was my fourteen-year-old daughter, her Facebook account would be shut down. When I noticed that Katie¡¯s only friend on Facebook was Anya, two things came to mind. Her parents had already disciplined her for the picture or this was a set-up to get me to respond to her.

    Giving in to more curiosity than usual, I searched to see what Carolyn and Debbie were up to on Facebook. It only took me a few minutes to find Debbie¡¯s page but it seemed Carolyn had me blocked from viewing her page. The only reason I could come up with Carolyn¡¯s reason for blocking me was because she knew that I knew she was having a relationship too. Debbie on the other hand, was in the clear. Although I felt Carolyn enabled Anya to set up our first date, I wasn¡¯t upset with her at all about it, and definitely not enough to ever make her infidelities known to anyone¡ªit was none of my business. It just didn¡¯t make sense to me why she would block me. Or maybe Anya asked her to because Carolyn and her husband did go to San Diego with her and Jackson one summer weekend and likely hung out together at other times during the year. Or maybe Carolyn¡¯s husband was suspicious too and if I contacted her then it might blow her cover? Although I never had any intentions of reaching out to Debbie or Carolyn again, I could understand why she blocked me. It still bummed me out enough to take a Vicodin¡ªI had hoped her friends would¡¯ve treated Anya¡¯s husband like the monster, and understood why the monster in me existed.

    Theresa usually sat at one of the tables outside the caf¨¦ before venturing inside to say hello to me when she came in for a drink. Now it seemed each time I visited the cafe, she was seated in the chair next to mine¡ªno longer soaking in the Vitamin D from the sunlight. After deciding to end my sessions with Tobey, having Theresa there to talk to, someone who shared a similar situation, was a welcomed sight.

    ¡°The letter you sent to your ex had to mean something to her if she wrote you back.¡± Theresa told me during one of our conversations.

    ¡°Exactly!¡± I exclaimed, relieved she saw my point of view. ¡°She wouldn¡¯t have written me back if it didn¡¯t touch her heart.¡±

    ¡°Just don¡¯t stop praying to God.¡± She advised. ¡°Things that are meant to be will be.¡±

    When she mentioned the ¡°G¡± word for the first time, it made me feel uncomfortable¡ªHe was the one I blamed for all the bad that happened to me. Everything seemed to be going so well with Theresa¡¯s analysis and the last thing I wanted to do was discourage her words of encouragement.

    ¡°Are you religious?¡± I asked her.

    ¡°I¡¯m Christian¡ªif that¡¯s what you mean.¡±

    ¡°Oh, you¡¯re one of them.¡± I snickered.

    ¡°One of them?¡± she laughed. ¡°What does that mean?¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re one of those holier than thou people who think they do no wrong yet pass judgment upon others.¡± I joked, half-heartedly.

    ¡°Is that what you think of me?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m just teasing¡ªyou don¡¯t come off as that kind of person at all.¡± I backtracked. ¡°But I hardly know you, too.¡±

    ¡°Thanks¡ªI think.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m just not much of a believer in God¡± I explained while trying not to offend her. ¡°Not after my mother got sick when she¡¯s done nothing but worship Him.¡±Unauthorized use: this story is on Amazon without permission from the author. Report any sightings.

    ¡°What does she have?¡± She asked, turning her body to me.

    ¡°Stage four Cancer.¡±

    ¡°Oh my God. Really? Stage Four?¡±

    ¡°Yep.¡± I replied, a bit surprised by her reaction.

    ¡°I¡¯ll add her to my prayer chain.¡± She informed me.

    ¡°You can, but that won¡¯t do any good.¡±

    ¡°You don¡¯t believe in the power of prayer?¡±

    ¡°Nothing I¡¯ve prayed for has ever come true¡ªthere¡¯s no power in prayer, Theresa.¡±

    ¡°Maybe you¡¯re prayin¡¯ for the wrong things and in the wrong way?¡±

    ¡°I haven¡¯t prayed in a very long time, but I¡¯m sure that had nothing to do with it.¡±

    ¡°If you¡¯ve prayed in the past then you can pray now.¡± She reasoned; her blue eyes focused on mine. ¡°But you must believe in God to do that.¡±

    ¡°Do all Christians believe in the power of prayer.¡± I asked, trying to avoid a debate on God¡¯s existence with her.

    ¡°Absolutely, that¡¯s why we have prayer chains when people get sick.¡±

    ¡°A prayer chain?¡± I laughed. ¡°You guys hand out chains, then wear them and pray?¡±

    ¡°No, you silly man. It¡¯s when a group of people get together to pray for someone when someone is really sick. We call ourselves prayer warriors.¡±

    ¡°Prayer warriors? What¡¯s the point in doing that?¡±

    ¡°Well, the more people that pray, the better chance an angel will hear and answer their prayer.¡±

    ¡°So that¡¯s why God has never answered a prayer of mine? Because I¡¯ve been a lone wolf?¡±

    ¡°You can¡¯t say none of your prayers have ever been answered.¡± she quipped. ¡°Certainly some prayers of yours have been answered; your mom is still here and you¡¯re healthy.¡±

    When Theresa assumed I at least prayed for my mother, it left me feeling shameful. Since I didn¡¯t believe in God, it never occurred to me to say a prayer for her recovery. Even without my prayers, she continued to beat cancer, further proving his non-existence. In fact, I blamed Him for dropping the ball on her¡ªwith so much wickedness in the world how was she chosen for Cancer? The teachings of the Bible were a great source to follow morally because the truth was we didn¡¯t know if God existed or not. In case He did somehow show up on the day I died, at least if I followed some of His rules, it¡¯d make it a little harder to throw me into the eternal pit of fire. Reality, the earth, our society, the way people really were, only further cemented my disbelief in God. This reality only proved the Bible¡¯s main purpose was to prevent chaos and to maintain order. Without a guide to determine right and wrong, there could be no such things. There was a lot of good in the Bible, but it couldn¡¯t prove God¡¯s existence to me.

    ¡°My mom used to tell me years ago that if I prayed, that things would turn out good for me.¡± I shared with Theresa. ¡°After giving that a try and having nothing good ever happen for me, I stopped praying twenty years ago.¡±

    ¡°Maybe you were doin¡¯ it the wrong way?¡± she suggested. ¡°Maybe your heart wasn¡¯t into it like it should¡¯ve been?¡±

    ¡°Or maybe there¡¯s really nobody listening?¡± I countered. ¡°Maybe that¡¯s why my prayers were never answered.¡±

    ¡°God doesn¡¯t answer everyone¡¯s prayers, Landyn¡ªit¡¯s not how He works. It may take years for him to answer our prayers.¡± She explained. ¡°Most of the time our guardian angels, or spirit guides, have a hard time coming down to earth because of all the evil souls who are still in limbo.¡±

    ¡°What? You mean, ghosts?¡±

    ¡°Yes, it took the arch angel Michael, twenty-one days to answer someone¡¯s prayer because he was harassed by bad spirits.¡± She continued. ¡°There are also times that God decides not to answer our prayers at all because he has better things in store for us, but I promise you this¡ªif you pray, he will hear you out. He may even help Anya find her way back to you, if it¡¯s in His plan for you. Stop holding in all that pride, Landyn¡ªreach out to Him. He loves you.¡±

    I nodded and smiled at Theresa, taking her words to heart. I built up so much resentment for him over so many years, I didn¡¯t want to rely on Him for anything, like my own father. If God planned to give me Anya¡¯s heart for only two years, then how could I trust any plan He had for me? No matter how much love I showed her, and how loyal I was, He still deemed me unworthy of her heart? The fact He chose Jackson for her over me made me even angrier with Him. I couldn¡¯t trust in a God who could bring her into my life yet also keep her away from me at the same time¡ªthat didn¡¯t sound like a loving God to me. It was much safer for me to believe in the Universe¡ªat least I could see the stars and even the dark matter that surrounds them to know it¡¯s there.

    Later that night, after speaking with Theresa for over two hours at the cafe, I visited the social media profiles of Katie, Jackson and Anya. It was puzzling that Anya¡¯s only friend was Katie and that both of their profiles were not restricted¡ªAnya didn¡¯t even have a wall to post on. It also still didn¡¯t make any sense to me why all the pictures on the Company website were down. Did Anya remove them after attaching the picture of her and Jackson together in the letter I wrote her? I could only imagine Jackson demanding her to post as many pictures of them together as possible to hurt me. Then again, maybe she thought if I could get the picture so easily that anyone on the internet could just save it to their computer? If that was the case, it was a good idea¡ªsaving my heart from this self-inflicted torture. I hardly left the house and stayed in even on the weekend, but as long as I had a Vicodin, I preferred writing in my journal or reading the contents of my binder. As much as I wanted to believe in Anya¡¯s love, the loneliness was starting to wear me down¡ªsilence should never be this loud. I had often felt removed from life before but now I felt non-existent, just a ghost that kept angels away from answering prayers.

    Finding myself reflecting upon Theresa¡¯s pearls of wisdom about God, I then came to a sound conclusion¡ªif Anya showed up at my door, then I¡¯d have a reason to believe. But as long as God rewarded people like Jackson, even as his union represented all a marriage should never be, I¡¯d never trust in God, let alone His love for me. God should¡¯ve never allowed Jackson to wear her ring, but that¡¯s the beauty of money¡ªit gets you everything you want in life on Earth. God allowing people like Jackson to thrive in this world, while people like myself suffered would never inspire belief from me. Especially when evil human beings get all they want and the decent ones are left with nothing. What He considered to be ¡°immoral¡±, in Anya and the eyes of my mother, and probably everyone else, bothered me more than anything. Anya was not in love with Jackson because he had cheated on her several times. They both shattered vows to one another so how could God recognize their marriage and hold it in the same sanctity as two people who have never broken their vows? One marriage was even destroyed by their marriage. How could there be any sanctity left? I didn¡¯t want to hear anything about kids either¡ªnot one instance are children mentioned in vows taken during the wedding ceremony. There is no ¡°we promise to stay together for the sake of the kids¡± vow whatsoever. All I ever wanted from God was equity, and no matter how good I¡¯ve been to others, I couldn¡¯t even get that. He wanted me to pray to Him but never showed up when I did. When my mom needed him, He gave her Cancer and rewarded Jackson with Anya and two beautiful kids? If God wanted my belief, where¡¯s His justice?

    Like my mother, Theresa¡¯s belief in God was where she derived her strength from, but still couldn¡¯t find it in me to lie about my lack of faith. If God wanted me to believe in Him, choosing more disappointment was not the way He should¡¯ve gone about it. Any happiness I ever felt was always taken from me sooner or later. If He wouldn¡¯t allow me happiness then I reserved the right to withhold my faith. Constant anxiety along with pain and suffering were not paths to win me over. Only equity would allow me to believe in Him¡ªthe same fairness he gave to philanderers. Not one time have I ever asked for proof of His existence¡ªthat¡¯s not consistent with needing to have faith. All I ever needed was just one good thing to believe in and what did I receive? My mother getting Cancer followed by losing the only thing I¡¯ve ever truly loved in this world after waiting thirty plus years for it. Not even a year ago, I lost a career job that would¡¯ve set me up for life and now? I¡¯m mere months away from becoming a beggar. Not one single relationship, even the one I poured my heart and soul into, worked out for me¡ªwhen all I¡¯ve ever wanted in life was what seemingly most people had¡ªa family created of love. Why would the entity who defined itself as love make it impossible for me to have?

    I find it hard to believe after thirty-nine years that my future will be any different. If there is a God, why couldn¡¯t good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people? How could you expect me to believe and trust in you, God? When it¡¯s clear you don¡¯t believe and trust in me? Why did Jackson receive all the things I¡¯ve ever dreamt of in life? Why did he get the only thing I¡¯ve ever wanted? God, you¡¯ve gone out of your way to destroy my faith in your existence. You tested me enough¡ªI¡¯ve been unhappy forever, working and loving hard all for nothing. You mean to tell me; you allowed your son to die for people like Jackson Caiaphas? Who lies? Who cheats? Who destroys? Who takes for granted a spouse¡¯s love and goodness?

    I¡¯m forever distrusting of God if he allowed Anya into my life to never be with her. If there truly was a God, we would be together¡ªit was that simple. A loving God would¡¯ve never allowed me to feel this anguish, not needing a pill to get through it for a few minutes a day. If God had so many people in my life imploring me that He was real, the least He could do was be fair. I gave Him plenty of chances to show Himself, yet time and time again, He failed to make a cameo. Instead, phonies like Jackson Caiaphas were in His good graces. And what do the people that truly love get from God? Cancer, loneliness and the prosperity of evil.

    Whenever the sound of rain found my ears, or I witnessed a sky with its potential, it broke me down. Something I fell in love with because of Anya now only teased me, like the promise of us being together one day. Like my dreams, the rain showed no mercy on me--inspiring me to swallow a Vicodin to help ease the memories it brought with each drop. All the things Anya inspired me to fall in love with now frolicked with my emotions. She may have been upset with me, but by forcing her hand, it was intended to feel like being bitten by a vampire, like Bella was in ¡°Twilight¡±. It would be painful at first, there would be anguish and suffering, but in the end she would be free. Born into a whole new and better world¡ªeverything worked out in the end. If my love for her was considered a crime, then consider me guilty.

    I believed against all hope that Anya still loved me¡ªshe never returned my ¡°thingie¡± and she never returned the CD I burned for her full of love songs. Although she also never responded nor thanked me for the music, and maybe she could¡¯ve gone through Carolyn or Debbie to do so if Jackson confiscated her phone and computer, but maybe he also had their husbands watching them too? Jackson had to make them aware that Anya had met someone, and they should be on the lookout as well. Also, I wouldn¡¯t have wanted her to come back because I complained about it. I would¡¯ve only wanted her to seek me out if she couldn¡¯t live without me in her life, and not because I couldn¡¯t live without her. All I wanted was for her to face the truth and be the honest person I took my greatest leap of faith with. She needed to be an honest person so I could substantiate why she allowed and encouraged me to be in her life. We shared too much for us to ever be apart like this. The true sin in all of this was Anya choosing to live a dishonest life. I really did understand what I put her through¡ªit¡¯s why I sent her the thirty plus page letter. And who knows? Maybe I sent the CD and letter to the wrong address? I didn¡¯t put a return address on the envelope and for all I know it could have gotten lost. I just needed to do something that brought out an emotion in her, like the rain brought out emotions in me. I had to somehow give her another good memory, but wasn¡¯t sure how to do so. If only the rain outside my window could offer advice instead of memories.

    I visited my mom the next day, wanting to share with her a chapter of the story I worked on the previous night. After she spent the next twenty minutes with her eyes on my words, she looked at me in disbelief when she finished.

    ¡°What is it?¡± I wondered, pacing her room. ¡°Was it too much?¡±

    ¡°I feel like I¡¯ve just been hit by a freight train.¡± she told me.

    ¡°Is that a good thing or a bad thing?¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s the best thing you¡¯ve ever written.¡± She replied, removing her glasses.

    ¡°You¡¯re not just tryin¡¯ to cheer me up, are you?¡± I questioned, sitting down on her bed next to her. ¡°I want an honest critique.¡±

    ¡°That was great, Landy.¡± She reiterated, rubbing her eyes. ¡°It blew me away.¡±

    My mother has read many things I¡¯ve written over the years for school projects. From essays to short stories, to poems to failed novel attempts, but this was the first time she used the word ¡°great¡± about anything she¡¯s ever read by me.

    ¡°Thanks, I appreciate that.¡±

    ¡°Is there more?¡±

    ¡°Nope, that¡¯s all for now.¡±

    ¡°Would love to read more. Are you gonna try to get it published?¡±

    ¡°I was just writing it for fun¡ªto help me get through what I¡¯m going through.¡± I told her. ¡°I¡¯d need Anya¡¯s permission first before publishing it. I¡¯d have to include her in some way¡ªshe inspired me to do this and even gave me titles. I¡¯d likely have to self-publish it if I ever did.¡±

    ¡°I hope I live long enough to see that.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m sure you will, Mom.¡± I smiled, rubbing her back.

    ¡°I don¡¯t know, Honey.¡± She replied, her eyes falling to the floor. ¡°They wanna take me off the Vicodin.¡±

    ¡°Wait¡­what? Why?¡± I asked, a sudden anxiety washing over me.

    ¡°My doctor said it¡¯s not good for me because the cancer is in my liver.¡± she explained. ¡°They aren¡¯t givin¡¯ me anymore refills.¡±

    After noticing only about fifteen pills remained in the bright orange bottle on top of her dresser, anxiety washed over me in the form of sweat. It was at this very moment when it felt like I was addicted to Vicodin¡ªthe news she gave me would not go over well. Ideally and what should¡¯ve been a beyond easy thing to say like ¡°I think that¡¯s a great idea, Mom¡± was now impossible. The news made my life flash before my eyes, robbing me of the ability to put my mother¡¯s health concerns over my own¡ªnow dependent on painkillers to get me through the agony of my reality. The pills allowed me to face a world I didn¡¯t want to face at all, even making my loneliness tolerable. Without them, I¡¯d never want to see the rest of my life through. This Landyn Lastman I now knew, I didn¡¯t know. All I knew for certain was I loathed my life without the pills. Without them, I¡¯d only leave the house to scale a bridge.

    ¡°Is there any way you can still get em¡¯ and just give em¡¯ to me?¡± I asked, trying to hide my desperation.

    ¡°No, I will not do that¡ªabsolutely not.¡± she shot me down. ¡°I¡¯m not going to enable your addiction.¡±

    ¡°Listen, just hear me out¡­¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s out of the question, Landy!¡± She yelled. ¡°If they take me off of em¡¯, I can¡¯t get em¡¯. End of story.¡±

    ¡°Well, I guess I¡¯ll just have to find out some other way to get some then.¡± I selfishly countered.

    ¡°What do you mean?¡± she asked. ¡°What other way could you get em¡¯?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯ll just ask my friends or somethin¡¯.¡± I explained, unsure how I¡¯d go about it. ¡°I¡¯ll pay em¡¯ if I have to.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re sick you know that!¡± She barked. ¡°You need your head examined!¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m not well right now.¡± I reluctantly admitted. ¡°Take a look at me¡ªI¡¯m lost. Both a failure and a loser right now.¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s just stinkin¡¯ thinkin!¡± She scolded.

    ¡°I have no job and can¡¯t find anything¡ªmy bank account is dwindling. I¡¯ve been on unemployment for eight months now.¡± I continued. ¡°I just lost my medical insurance so I can¡¯t see my psychiatrist anymore at a time I¡¯m broken mentally. I lost the love of my life after I put my heart and soul into their happiness for two years that ended up only costing me my own.¡±

    ¡°You lost your medical insurance? Things will get better¡­¡±

    ¡°Every day just waking up is the day¡¯s hardest chore. Even when I¡¯m awake I¡¯m having a nightmare.¡± I told her. ¡°If it wasn¡¯t for the Vicodin, I don¡¯t know where I¡¯d be right now. As pathetic as this is to admit, those pills are the only things helping me get out of bed in the morning and movin¡¯ in the right direction. Without em¡¯¡­I just don¡¯t know about life.¡±

    ¡°This is what I was afraid of.¡± she replied, shaking her head. ¡°I only gave a you a couple here and there for your back.¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s not your fault, Mom¡ªthey were always honestly only taken for my back pain. I just wasn¡¯t expecting my life to take the dive it did.¡± I clarified. ¡°I¡¯m going through a lot right now.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re so young, Landy¡ªyou have your whole life ahead of you.¡± She stated, trying to reason with me. ¡°You have a lot to look forward to and your health¡ªbe thankful you have your health.¡±

    ¡°The fact I can¡¯t see those things should only tell you how unwell I am right now.¡± I told her, shaking my head disgusted at myself. ¡°I shouldn¡¯t be the one complaining about life¡¯s unfairness in front of someone who¡¯s experienced her fair share of it¡ªthat should tell you how messed up I am. And don¡¯t blame Anya for this¡ªplease don¡¯t. I know you¡¯re looking at me right now and it¡¯s easy to do because your son is broken, but don¡¯t blame her. This is not her fault and something I need to figure out¡ªI will. I¡¯m not lookin¡¯ for you to agree with me on this, Mom. I know I¡¯m not doing the right thing in regards to the pills, but please understand they¡¯re helping me much more than they¡¯re hurting me.¡±

    ¡°I can¡¯t promise you they won¡¯t take me off it.¡± she reiterated. ¡°I have to follow the doctor¡¯s orders.¡±

    ¡°I want you to follow the doctor¡¯s orders¡ªbut, if you can prolong it without takin¡¯ it, please keep the prescription available for me until I can piece my life back together again. That¡¯s all I¡¯m askin¡¯ for.¡±

    After my mother shook her head then walked out of the room, I couldn¡¯t believe how low I¡¯ve come in a little over six months¡¯ time¡ªI was losing all control. My mother never intended for this to happen, but I did by using them to deal with what life threw at me¡ªtruly becoming a matter between life and death. If I couldn¡¯t feel love, a Vicodin high was the next best thing. To go from the greatest feeling of natural euphoria being with Anya to the greatest sadness was too debilitating mentally to live with. Like a soldier who returned home from a war that he brought home with him, the trauma couldn¡¯t have been too much different. The memories of my relationship with Anya haunted me as much as a battlefield could. I lived with the memories of battle every day and without the pills, it would eventually consume me enough to end this post traumatic stress disorder. In fact, I didn¡¯t even realize I had PTSD after losing Anya¡ªit hit me out of nowhere. Little did I know that using Vicodin to fight the war inside my head would turn me against myself and my platoon. I was losing more ground each and every day to what will eventually be with until there would no ground left¡ªa doubtless fate.

    After visiting my mother, my nose was back again deep within my binder at the Good Morning Cafe. While reading, I couldn¡¯t help but worry about my mother being taken off Vicodin. I didn¡¯t know anyone who was taking them or where I could find them. The last thing I wanted to do was to track down an unknown dealer for them, but I¡¯d lose the war against this darkness without them. As I pondered the possible remedies, Paul sat down in the chair next to me.

    ¡°He¡¯s driving me up the wall today.¡± he said to me.

    ¡°I don¡¯t think you¡¯re the only one.¡± I replied while we watched Crazy Dave bark a greeting to someone who he believed looked like one of the Jonas brothers.

    ¡°They¡¯re gonna kick him outta here again.¡± Paul predicted.

    ¡°I¡¯m surprised he¡¯s even still allowed to come in here.¡± I laughed. ¡°He¡¯s entertaining but not everyone that comes here is in the mood to be entertained.¡±

    ¡°I agree. Hey, where is that blonde girl that talks to you?¡±

    ¡°Theresa?¡±

    ¡°Yes, Theresa¡ªforgot her name.¡± He said, rubbing his forehead. ¡°Are you interested in her? Are you guys goin¡¯ out?¡±

    ¡°Oh, no.¡± I replied, surprised. ¡°What made ya think that?¡±

    ¡°She looks really into you¡­¡± He stated. ¡°I thought maybe you guys were datin¡¯.¡±

    ¡°We¡¯re just friends.¡± I assured him. ¡°Do you wanna date her? I¡¯ll put in a good word.¡±

    ¡°She¡¯s a little too heavy in the lower body for me.¡± he claimed, then pointing a finger at Dave. ¡°I know that¡¯s his thing.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯d like to put in a good word for him.¡± I told Paul, then shaking my head. ¡°But I don¡¯t think she¡¯d appreciate it.¡±

    ¡°Yeah, she probably wouldn¡¯t talk to you again if you did that.¡±

    Both Paul and I couldn¡¯t help but chuckle at the thought of her reaction if Dave suddenly became amorous towards her because of my ¡°good word¡±. I considered talking to Paul about my dilemma, seeing if maybe he was taking any pills, but before I could say a word, Theresa walked through the door. Upon seeing her, we both waved and she waved back at both of us before standing in line for a beverage. Paul then turned to me.

    ¡°I think that¡¯s my cue.¡± he said, slowly standing up from his chair then walking away from me before I could tell him to stay.

    After Theresa purchased her drink, she approached me but didn¡¯t take the chair Paul left open for her. She instead stood next to me, stirring her drink with a thin straw.

    ¡°How are you?¡± she asked.

    ¡°I¡¯m hangin¡¯ in there. How are you?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m good¡ªyou should come outside. The vitamin D is good for you. Plus, I¡¯d like to talk to you in private.¡± She coaxed.

    I hesitated only because I feared people in the caf¨¦ would get the impression we were dating. If Paul believed we were an item, I¡¯m sure anyone else who saw us together would think the same thing. The last thing I wanted to inspire within her were any romantic thoughts of any kind, fearing she¡¯d get the impression I was interested. Then again, she had to know how much I still loved Anya, and maybe my fears were only imagined.

    ¡°Okay, give me a minute or two.¡± I told her.

    ¡°Sure, see ya in two.¡± She said, clinging to her books under one arm and holding a drink in her free hand.

    As I closed my big black binder then tucked it under my arm, I looked up to see the curious smiling faces of Paul and Dave looking up at me from their seats.

    ¡°It¡¯s not what you think.¡± I told them, shaking my head.

    ¡°Odelay Holmes!¡± yelled Dave. ¡°Take care of your business, young man!¡±

    After giving him a sideway glance, I walked away leaving them to their own imaginations. It was just nice to have someone to talk to who understood what I went through with Anya¡ªhow it felt to deeply love someone who was married to someone else. Whether it was fair to her or not, I counted on Theresa like I counted on Vicodin; especially if my mother was unable to get them anymore. The most amazing thing was for thirty-seven years, a total of thirteen thousand five hundred and five days, I lived my life without Anya, but now I struggled living one day without her. I kept my memories of Anya alive through Vicodin and losing that pill equated to a death sentence.

    With privacy and a little shade, I took a seat at Theresa¡¯s patio table. When the sunshine made me feel a little uneasy, it was the biggest sign yet how love sick I had become. Upon sitting, Theresa smiled at me, her white teeth gleaming brightly in the sun. Although she carried a few extra pounds, she appeared to be in good health, and it made me envious of her. Working out and caring about my health disappeared when Anya left me causing whatever attractiveness the opposite sex had for me away. But for the first time in my life, I just didn¡¯t care¡ªthere was only one woman whose opinion mattered and she wasn¡¯t around.

    ¡°It¡¯s nice out.¡± I said, looking up into the clear blue sky.

    ¡°See, what you¡¯re missing?¡± she replied, smiling more widely. ¡°I always come outside to soak in the sun¡ªit¡¯s great for the skin and for your overall sense of being.¡±

    ¡°Really? I didn¡¯t know that.¡±

    ¡°I can teach you a lot about havin¡¯ a good sense of self¡ªit¡¯s what I do for a living.¡±

    ¡°I could use some of your wisdom for sure.¡±

    Theresa smiled then reached into her purse, pulling out a small book along with a card in a light blue envelope.

    ¡°I hope you don¡¯t mind, but I picked this up for your mom.¡± she said, handing it to me.

    ¡°¡°Don¡¯t Sweat the Small Stuff¡±¡± I read off the cover of the book. ¡°I think I¡¯ll keep this for myself! I¡¯m kidding! Thank you, Theresa. That¡¯s very kind of you¡ªI¡¯m sure she¡¯ll love it.¡±

    ¡°I know she¡¯s going through a lot right now¡ªyour whole family is. I just wanted to help out in some small way.¡± She told me. ¡°I think there¡¯s a reason we met.¡±

    ¡°Thank you.¡± I said, nodding. ¡°I think so too.¡±

    ¡°How are you coping with everything?¡± she asked. ¡°Have you heard from her?¡±

    I made no secret to Theresa how much I missed Anya¡ªhow the sleepless nights chased away the days in my life. She also knew I still believed in our love and that in due time she would come around. It was beyond difficult to feel all I did to reveal so much to a stranger about how I felt emotionally¡ªsomeone who could easily judge me, but I trusted Theresa. She has been where I am on some level, and it was easy for me to appreciate that about her. Regardless of the difference in our religious views, like my mother, she gave God a good name.

    ¡°I haven¡¯t heard from her.¡± I admitted, shaking my head. ¡°I guess I¡¯m ok.¡±

    ¡°How long has it been since you sent her the CD now?¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s been just a few weeks¡ªI¡¯m actually thinkin¡¯ about sendin¡¯ her somethin¡¯ for Mother¡¯s Day¡­we¡¯ll see.¡± I revealed. ¡°You know, and I don¡¯t know if it was the most difficult thing for you too, but the unknown factor at home broke me down. I knew she cared for me so much that she would hide the truth from me in fear of hurting me. The constant wondering was just too overwhelming.¡±

    ¡°Oh Yes! There was so much unknown¡ªI worried and wondered about things for five years!¡± she exclaimed. ¡°He used to tell me he would leave her all the time, and it made it really tough, but what I learned in the end was that it was all a waste of my time¡ªa waste of my thoughts. All it did was steal the light from me.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m thankful my ex never promised to leave her husband if she was going to leave me hanging by a string like he did to you.¡± I responded, shaking my head in disbelief someone did that to her. ¡°She never misled me in that sense but after all we shared, I just can¡¯t believe she¡¯s still there. We shared way too much for her to remain married to a philanderer.¡±

    ¡°She never promised you to leave her husband?¡± she asked, wide eyed.

    ¡°Not once¡­it¡¯s why I struggled so much.¡± I elaborated. ¡°My ex wouldn¡¯t make a promise unless she was sure she could keep it though¡ªI respected her for that especially after hearing about all the seeds of doubt it sows in that kind of relationship. The day we broke up was as ugly as ugly gets¡ªI didn¡¯t take it well at all. I tried desperately to not give her grief, but the lack of a promise devastated me.¡±

    ¡°The ugly only existed because of the situation.¡± Theresa retorted, nodding.

    ¡°I totally agree. Remove the situation from the equation and there would be nothing but the beauty in our love left.¡±

    ¡°How old was she when she got married?¡±

    ¡°Twenty-seven.¡±

    ¡°How old was he?¡±

    ¡°Thirty-eight.¡±

    ¡°Really? How old was she when she met him?¡±

    ¡°Nineteen.¡±

    ¡°Nineteen? That would¡¯ve made him¡­thirty, right?¡±

    ¡°Your math skills serve you well.¡± I teased, smiling. ¡°He may have even been thirty-one.¡±

    ¡°What¡¯s a thirty-year old man doin¡¯ dating a nineteen-year-old?¡± she asked incredulously.

    ¡°He runs a child trafficking ring?¡± I joked. ¡°Your guess is as good as mine.¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s gross.¡± she told me, shaking her head. ¡°On both sides.¡±

    ¡°Well, she was older when she got married to him.¡± I defended. ¡°Teenagers can be impressionable so I can understand her side of it.¡±

    ¡°Still seems weird to me.¡±

    ¡°I thought it sounded bizarre too.¡± I replied. ¡°But to each their own.¡±

    ¡°So, she¡¯s fine with her daughter datin¡¯ a man eleven years older than her when she turns nineteen?¡± Theresa posed.

    ¡°My ex was likely a more mature than normal nineteen-year-old.¡± I told her. ¡°I don¡¯t think either of them would be fine with that, but their daughter is precocious for her age too.¡±

    ¡°I would hope not.¡± she shot back. ¡°She doesn¡¯t even know who she is at nineteen yet¡ªjust a bundle of raging hormones. I think it¡¯s pretty disgusting.¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t think either of them believed much in love back then. The relationship was likely based on the wrong things.¡± I explained. ¡°I think she came to realize it after he cheated on her.¡±

    ¡°Is he well off?¡±

    ¡°You could say that.¡± I answered, feeling the sudden need for a pill.

    ¡°How many kids do they have?¡±

    ¡°Two. A girl and boy¡ªages fourteen and twelve.¡±

    ¡°I bet they¡¯re spoiled brats.¡±

    ¡°They spoiled them sure, but I wouldn¡¯t classify them as spoiled brats¡ªthey work hard and excel in school.¡± I further explained. ¡°They do have a pretty good reward system in place and I think that helps.¡±

    ¡°Did you ever meet them?¡±

    ¡°I never did, but she told me so much about them, I felt I knew em¡¯.¡±

    ¡°There seems to be many barriers there for you.¡± She deducted.

    ¡°There were¡­obstacles I felt she should¡¯ve made me aware of when we first met¡ªjust so I¡¯d know what to expect so I could be more understanding if she couldn¡¯t promise me anything.¡± I told Theresa. ¡°I found out about these challenges after I had already fallen deeply in love with her¡ªwhen it became virtually impossible for me to understand how she could stay after allowing our love to exist.¡±

    ¡°Their whole family sounds whacked!¡± She announced.

    ¡°I wouldn¡¯t say that but will say her husband is more whacked than anyone.¡± I retorted.

    ¡°Sounds like she¡¯d need a lot of therapy to sort out all her issues.¡±

    ¡°She¡¯s a victim of emotional abuse, and she¡¯s only out of sorts because of him. It¡¯s why I fought for her.¡±

    ¡°How¡¯d you meet her?¡±

    ¡°Have you ever been to Sonomas?¡±

    ¡°The bar in Newport Beach?¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s the one.¡±

    ¡°What¡¯s a married woman doing there?¡±

    Her attacks on Anya were starting to annoy me. If she thought my lack of Vitamin D was the reason for still believing she would find her way back to me, Theresa was in for a rude awakening.

    ¡°She was under a lot of stress with her kids and work¡ªshe was actually at the bar with other married mothers.¡± I informed her. ¡°She never went to close the place down but just for a spill with her girlfriends¡ªshe lives an extremely stressful life doing a lot of things on her own, because her husband runs a business. He¡¯s also running for a seat on the House of Representatives this year. His name is Jackson Caiaphas¡ªyou might¡¯ve heard of him.¡±

    ¡°I think I may have.¡± She answered. ¡°The name sounds familiar.¡±

    ¡°He¡¯s in the paper quite a bit these days¡ªI wouldn¡¯t be surprised.¡±

    ¡°She could also go to other places to unwind.¡± she pressed on, refusing to give up on her attack. ¡°I don¡¯t think a mother of two should be hanging out at a bar¡ªdon¡¯t ya think?¡±

    ¡°She¡¯s a great mom, but she¡¯s not well, Theresa.¡± I countered. ¡°It¡¯s one of the many reasons it¡¯s hard for me to give up on her. I felt staying with her husband didn¡¯t allow her to be the best mother. With me, she¡¯d never have a need to frequent a bar to unwind.¡±

    ¡°Why isn¡¯t she with you, Landyn? You¡¯re a great man.¡± she said.

    ¡°That¡¯s why she¡¯s a great mom¡ªshe¡¯s afraid to hurt her kids.¡± I reasoned. ¡°She¡¯s afraid they could be affected by her decision. I think her Korean culture influenced her decision as well.¡±

    ¡°That culture influence is HUGE.¡± she stated.

    ¡°I¡¯m sure she always felt the pressure to marry well and she did, but she also didn¡¯t wanna face her family if she ended her ¡°well to do¡± marriage¡ªshe¡¯d have to face the folks that frowned upon that sort of thing. It¡¯s why she felt the need to run away, but I¡¯d never let her end things that way. If she loves me, like she always told me, she would be willing to face them.¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s easy to say things, but another thing to mean them.¡± Theresa stated.

    ¡°Even though it was easy to question her love in the end, I believe she still loves me.¡± I continued. ¡°The kids were just too great a barrier for her to be with me. It didn¡¯t mean she didn¡¯t love me¡ªit just meant she was afraid she¡¯d have to give them up.¡±

    ¡°Why would she believe she¡¯d have to give them up by choosing love?¡±

    ¡°Well, she found an essay her daughter wrote for her seventh-grade class that left her feeling guilty¡ªfinding out in the essay she wasn¡¯t there for her daughter to help her through a rough time she was having in school.¡± I revealed. ¡°She tried to end our relationship over the essay, but I disagreed with her, telling her she shouldn¡¯t shoulder the blame and that her daughter would have gone through it regardless of our relationship¡ªthe marriage was to blame for it. If she wasn¡¯t there for her daughter, it was because of her unhappiness with the marriage and she needed to be happy in life to fix it¡ªgoing right back into her unhappy life wouldn¡¯t help her daughter.¡±

    ¡°Wow, you told her that?¡±

    ¡°Of course, I did¡ªI loved her. We spent nearly two years putting our hearts and souls into our love, and she even told me she couldn¡¯t quit me. She asked me if I would fight for her and this was what I promised her to do, even at times she didn¡¯t want to hear the truth. All because her daughter blamed herself after overhearing her mother threaten her father with divorce, wasn¡¯t the right reason to stay for the sake of the kids. It wasn¡¯t fair to her daughter, letting her go to bed at night blaming herself for the unhappiness my love felt in her marriage¡ªespecially when it was her husband¡¯s infidelities and emotional abuse over many years that led her to fall in love with me. I questioned what she was teaching her kids by staying because it only reinforced her daughter¡¯s belief that her struggles in school caused the trouble in her parents¡¯ marriage¡­ and nothing could¡¯ve been further from the truth.¡±

    ¡°I agree. She should¡¯ve felt an obligation to tell her kids, through her daughter, that the arguments didn¡¯t come about because of them in any way, shape or form.¡± Theresa specified. ¡°They shouldn¡¯t have to go to bed blaming themselves for any problems in their mom and dad¡¯s marriage. Does she have a degree?¡±

    ¡°She does¡ªshe also has a nursing license and was getting caught up on her continuing education while we were together.¡±

    ¡°She would be well taken care of if she left her husband.¡± she informed me. ¡°She¡¯d get alimony, child support, half the assets¡ªproperty and the business including her income from nursing. The kids would be more than fine and there¡¯s no way she would¡¯ve lost them to him.¡±

    ¡°Her narcissistic husband put it in her mind that she would be breaking up a family and hurting their kids if she left him.¡±

    ¡°I think she¡¯s every bit of a narcissist too, Landyn.¡± She told me, smirking.

    ¡°I think we all are in some instances, but I don¡¯t believe Anya ever lied to me about anything.¡± I fought back.

    ¡°But she didn¡¯t tell you everything you needed to know too.¡±

    ¡°I agree, but I don¡¯t think that¡¯s necessarily lying.¡±

    ¡°Omission of anything in this situation is being dishonest, Landyn.¡± She affirmed, patting the black binder in front of me on the table. ¡°Especially considering how much you feel for her and how much your feelings grew.¡±

    ¡°She loved me though, Theresa.¡± I reiterated. ¡°In my heart and mind, she¡¯s the greatest.¡±

    ¡°Can I ask you one question then?¡±

    ¡°Sure.¡±

    ¡°And consider what I told you about her receiving alimony and child support on top of her nursing income.¡±

    I nodded.

    ¡°Would you have left?¡±

    Blindsided by her back door question, I didn¡¯t find any appreciation in Theresa¡¯s analysis of Anya¡¯s ¡°love¡± for me.

    ¡°Personally, I would¡¯ve left.¡± I told her. ¡°But all because she chose to stay doesn¡¯t mean she doesn¡¯t love me, Theresa.¡±

    ¡°She may have loved you at one time Landyn, but it doesn¡¯t seem to me she loves you now.¡±

    Theresa¡¯s harsh analysis left me craving more than one pill. Did she find it a good idea to make a severely depressed man feel even worse about himself than he already did? Did she ascertain I easily fell in love with just anybody who showed me love? That any woman could just pull the wool over my eyes at any given time? I wouldn¡¯t have fallen deeply in love with someone, especially after Denise and all the other women before her, unless I felt absolutely confident that they loved me. Theresa¡¯s queries and judgments broke me even more inside that I already was, after hoping she¡¯d connect me to the love I longed for. Instead, she turned it into such a ruse, it made me believe the woman who wanted my phone number was a setup to test my love for Anya.

    ¡°We did have a really bad falling out four months ago.¡± I said, trying to fend her off. ¡°About three months ago though I wrote her a thirty-page letter to express my sadness and to apologize for that day. My ex didn¡¯t have to write me back or even acknowledge she even read the letter yet received it, but she did. My mother thought the same way you do and she even told me my ex wouldn¡¯t write me back because it would require love from her to do so, yet she did.¡±

    I waited for Theresa to say something, but after she nodded her head I continued my case further, as I tried to separate my emotions from my words.

    ¡°Would she had really put the future welfare of her kids at risk if she didn¡¯t love me? Would she have ever threatened her husband with divorce if she didn¡¯t love me?¡± I countered. ¡°I think ninety-nine-point nine percent of women, after the fallout we had which even involved a cop, would¡¯ve never wrote me back. And I also don¡¯t think ninety-nine-point nine percent of men would¡¯ve swallowed their pride and written her back to apologize.¡±

    I paused for a second to give her a time to respond, but when she nodded again, I decided to offer her my conclusion.

    ¡°Yes, I would¡¯ve left and yes, she should¡¯ve left too. It¡¯s why we had such a bad falling out because I felt I deserved a promise, but I didn¡¯t just deserve it¡ªwe both did.¡± I stated. ¡°And believe me, I questioned her love a ton, much to her chagrin, but I don¡¯t anymore. As crazy as it is for people on the outside looking in to believe, I truly believe she loved me and she still does.¡±

    ¡°I agree that the letter had to mean something for her to write you back.¡± she concurred. ¡°To meet her at a bar though? I think she was just out looking for fun because she felt neglected at home by her husband who was buried running a business that left her taking care of the kids pretty much on her own. Dating you was her way to get his attention. She never had any intentions to leave him but planned to give him a warning through you.¡±

    She paused to give me a chance to respond, but I assumed her role and nodded.

    ¡°You should know I think you¡¯re a great guy and you¡¯ve actually helped me out a lot in just the few times we¡¯ve talked.¡± She confessed. ¡°In my opinion, she¡¯s not great at all and you deserve better.¡±

    When Theresa said this to me, I could see why she had such strong feelings about Anya and the love I believed she still had for me. For the first time, I saw what Paul and Dave did¡ªTheresa seemed interested in more than sharing our stories of heartbreak.

    ¡°I appreciate that, Theresa.¡± I replied, but a bit on guard. ¡°I¡¯m sorry, but I have to run.¡±

    ¡°It wasn¡¯t something I said? Was it?¡± she asked. ¡°I was just tryin¡¯ to help.¡±

    ¡°Oh, no. I have to be back in town early today.¡± I lied, tucking my heart, that bulky black binder under my arm and rising up from my seat. ¡°I have a meeting with my entrepreneur group¡ªI¡¯m hosting.¡±

    ¡°Alright, we¡¯ll talk soon then.¡± She told me. ¡°If you would Landyn, could you please say a prayer for my friend? She¡¯s in ICU and not doing too well.¡±

    ¡°Oh yes, the power of prayer.¡± I reluctantly nodded, both sad to hear about her friend and annoyed she imposed God on me before leaving. ¡°I¡¯ll do that. Have a good day and thanks again for the thoughtful gift. Goodbye.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re most welcome. Talk to you soon.¡±

    No doubt Theresa was a great person, a much better human being than I was, but her words struck me like several bolts of lightning from out of the sky¡ªeven imposing God on me for good measure. From her side of the fence, she made very strong points and quite frankly, I couldn¡¯t disagree with her. But when she hit me with ¡°Would you have left¡±, she nudged me off a ten-story building, and although I would¡¯ve left, that didn¡¯t mean Anya didn¡¯t love me or she never did. She was in such a special situation, I don¡¯t think anyone, even myself, could relate to all she faced. I just trusted that she was willing to do so because she allowed and encouraged me to fall deeply in love with her. She only started to pause things after she secured my love for her and to me, that was the greatest argument against her staying. I did nothing special but love her and it never stopped her from loving me. Whether she wanted to admit it or not, love was everything to Anya if she was willing to allow and encourage herself to fall and allow someone else to.

    It was crazy how I questioned her love less when we were apart than I did when we were together, leaving me to question my sanity. I couldn¡¯t blame Theresa for trying to make me see how inaccurate my beliefs were. Why was it okay for me to question Anya¡¯s love for me, but when someone else did, I jumped to her defense? At this point, Anya had to have loved me¡ªshe was just afraid I¡¯d tell Jackson about us and that¡¯s why she pulled away. If I had told Jackson about our trips together, and she had no idea what I¡¯d tell him, he would only use it against her in court and she¡¯d never get the things Theresa claimed she would receive. It wasn¡¯t fair to Anya if I questioned her love after threatening to tell Jackson¡ªsomething Theresa didn¡¯t know about. Still, she shouldn¡¯t carry such strong opinions about Anya¡¯s love for me because if made me feel like I had an inability to know what love was. I believe Anya would be the first to tell Theresa that I held her to an abnormally high standard. The sadness I experienced after losing Anya was so acute, I contemplated jumping off a bridge because it consumed me so much. The black three ring binder I walked into the coffee shop every day with should¡¯ve told her to tread carefully. Like an animal sensing disaster before it happens, I was ultra-sensitive to everything around me. I didn¡¯t confide in her to be criticized and analyzed, but to make better sense of everything I needed five Vicodin a day now to deal with. Not one time did I say anything negative about how she fell for a man who only left his wife because he got bored with her. Anya didn¡¯t make me any promises, but she didn¡¯t break any of them constantly like Theresa¡¯s paramour did. How much more evidence did she need that the man she chose to give her heart to was selfish and indecent? Not one time did I tell Theresa he was using her for five years, or give her my opinion, but for some reason Theresa couldn¡¯t help herself¡ªneeding to play God by passing judgment on others.

    Theresa¡¯s words bummed me out at a time I couldn¡¯t afford to be more depressed. My views on marriage and love changed so drastically that I felt no excitement or the slightest desire to have kids one day. Before meeting Anya, it was my biggest dream¡ªa huge reason why I went to school and worked so hard. The promise of love and marriage gave me such a spirit, I willingly confronted any adversity or barriers in achieving that dream. Now that the dream was taken from me, Vicodin helped me to keep pushing through, using it to not only mask, but mimic the feelings of love Anya gave me. My belief in Anya¡¯s love was all I had left, and I thought Theresa wouldn¡¯t dare criticize the way I dealt with my profound grief¡ªespecially after telling her the contents of my binder. Telling me my ex-girlfriend wanted nothing to do with me ever again wouldn¡¯t brighten the darkness inside me. I¡¯m certain Theresa never meant any harm, but how many people did she know walked into a caf¨¦ with a binder full of memories? She should look at that as something deeper than a guy walking into a caf¨¦ with a black binder. Taking five horse sized Vicodin pills a day just to escape emotional anguish was a real sign I didn¡¯t care much about losing my life anymore. Even in my darkest moments, I never did anything to jeopardize my physical health, even using the gym more as an outlet to cope. Anya used to tell me she was on the fence about us and anything could set her off, now I was on the bridge about life¡ªanything could set me off enough to climb its highest point to end it all.

    My relationship didn¡¯t exist on the same level as Theresa¡¯s did. The only common characteristic we shared was that both people we fell in love with were married¡ªthe comparisons ended there. If Anya had never been greatly disrespected, and was just bored in her marriage, I would¡¯ve never gotten involved and if I did after knowing that, I¡¯d deserve this heartache. I¡¯m no man of God, but I even knew better than to do that. All I asked from Theresa was for her to not minimize what I considered to be love. I know she means well, but she made me feel like all I felt over the last two years was child¡¯s play and could be easily solved by simple questions and observations. I would advise any aspiring behavioral therapist to not play devil¡¯s advocate with the clients they are trying to help¡ªthey might not be in the right state of mind to deal with it. When Tobey told me I needed to build positive relationships, this was what she was referring to.

    Upon returning home, I went online to search for the meaning and reason for my pain and suffering. I took two Vicodin then absorbed myself in a search to find something to prove Theresa wrong about Anya¡¯s love for me. When I found myself yet again staring at Katie¡¯s Facebook profile picture, I could have sworn the account belonged to Anya. Upon seeing her beautiful face, tears fell unabated from my eyes¡ªan unexpected yet natural reaction. After examining the picture, a little more closely, it freaked me out¡ªit wasn¡¯t Anya, but Katie. Yet, the tears continued to fall¡ªI got to see her mom through her. I felt protective of mother and daughter from afar. Katie finding the love that eluded her mother one day was something I wanted just as much as Anya leaving her marriage to be with me. They both deserved faithful men who honored and respected them for a lifetime. I always believed I was fighting for Katie as much as her mother¡¯s happiness one day. I just wished Anya could¡¯ve seen all I was fighting for. When I thought the pic was Anya, and how it elicited emotions in me, I realized how much my heart beat the same way it did when I first met her, and even more intensely being trapped within my own sadness and the reality she was not even near me, and hasn¡¯t been for five months. A huge part of me wanted to believe her mother approved this Facebook picture because she knew how much I missed her¡ªthe heart never forgetting what it always will feel.

    Since she received my letter, there were no more pictures of her and Jackson on the internet¡ªthey all disappeared after she wrote me. Katie¡¯s picture just blew me away, making me miss Anya even more. After writing a novel to apologize to her, she now knew I went online to try and fill the emptiness without her. If Jackson wouldn¡¯t allow her to post a picture of herself, then Katie¡¯s profile was the only way she could give me a glimpse of herself knowing how badly I struggled. Katie¡¯s face was expressionless, emoting sadness in the picture, allowing me to fantasize of Anya trying to communicate her sadness to me through it. It even made me dare to think that Anya told her daughter about us, even providing a reflection of her mother¡¯s pain through her Facebook account hoping I¡¯d see it. Or maybe, it was just another desperate and delusional attempt to justify all this heartache.

    As I tried dealing with the emotional turmoil the day brought with it, at about a quarter to nine that same evening, I received a call from my parent¡¯s home line. Although the call was about an hour later than usual, my mother called me most nights since my breakup. What made it different this time though was that my father¡¯s voice was the one I heard¡ªa father who never called me.

    ¡°Hey, Son.¡±

    ¡°Hi Dad. What¡¯s goin¡¯ on?¡±

    ¡°I just wanted to let you know your mother is in the hospital.¡±

 CHAPTER 26 ~ A SMILE IN THE DARK

    ¡°I let myself want you;

    I let myself hope.

    I let myself feel things;

    I know that you don¡¯t.

    You¡¯re not mine anymore,

    But I¡¯m still a little bit yours.¡±

    ¡°A Little Bit Yours¡± ~ JP Saxe

    ¡°Hi, Honey.¡± My mother said, adorning a hospital gown, and waving me into her room the next morning.

    ¡°Hey Mom.¡± I replied, confused and uncomfortable¡ªI hated hospitals. ¡°What¡­what¡¯s goin¡¯ on?¡±

    ¡°I just have a little pneumonia¡­that¡¯s all.¡± She explained, shaking her head and waving me off. ¡°They just kept me overnight.¡±

    ¡°Oh, so you¡¯re comin¡¯ back home tonight then?¡±

    ¡°They haven¡¯t told me yet¡­we¡¯ll see.¡±

    ¡°Where¡¯s dad?¡±

    ¡°He¡¯s at the park. I told him to go. I¡¯m fine.¡± She told me. ¡°He¡¯s makes me nervous anyway.¡±

    ¡°So¡­pneumonia, huh?¡± I said, beginning to look around the room for any evidence that supported the contrary.

    ¡°Just a little pneumonia.¡± she confirmed. ¡°And I brought my Vicodin with me, so don¡¯t get any crazy ideas.¡±

    ¡°Oh, good because I was going to ask for a few¡ªit¡¯s the only reason I came all the way out here for.¡± I retorted. ¡°That was a joke, by the way.¡±

    ¡°Not funny.¡± she responded, placing a needle laden taped hand upon her lap. ¡°I¡¯m starting to wonder if you only come to see me for pills.¡±

    ¡°I was only joking.¡± I told her, sadly knowing she had a legitimate right to feel that way. ¡°Do you remember all the times I¡¯d come see you before I started taking Vicodin or did you forget?¡±

    ¡°Here.¡± she blurted, handing me a dull orange labeled bottle. ¡°There¡¯s twenty in there. I expect those to last you a while.¡±

    ¡°Thanks.¡± I said, reluctantly but happily taking the bottle from her. ¡°It¡¯s not why I came out here though.¡±

    ¡°What will you do when I can¡¯t get these anymore?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯ll figure something out. This is only a temporary fix¡­I promise¡± I tried to assure her. ¡°When I find a job again, I¡¯ll be able to get off them¡ªI¡¯ll feel better about my life enough to not use them anymore.¡±

    My mother looked at me for about ten seconds in quiet contemplation, a look of sadness and distrust forming on her face. After she nodded, I internally vowed to not let her down and to find a way to get off of them¡ªI hated hospitals and being in one seemed to scare me straight. With stage four cancer now, hospital trips seemed to be on the horizon for her from time to time now. While she laid there in a light blue hospital gown, her bare head sunk into a large white pillow with IV bags hanging above it, I wondered about all she had yet to face¡ªand how ridiculous my problems were in comparison. Sadly, I felt like the one in the hospital bed.

    ¡°They told me they¡¯re gonna start chemo treatments again next week.¡± she revealed.

    I nodded, not knowing what to say but knowing it was the best course of action.

    ¡°They¡¯re going to be the strongest yet.¡± she further informed me. ¡°I¡¯m worried.¡±

    ¡°What did the doctors tell you?¡± I wondered. ¡°Are they optimistic?¡±

    She nodded.

    ¡°They would know better than anyone.¡± I encouraged, reaching out to lightly touch her bald head. ¡°Although it¡¯s normal to worry, if there¡¯s anyone who can beat this, it¡¯s you, Mom.¡±

    My mother nodded, giving me a cautious smile then closed her eyes. I spent another twenty minutes with her, long enough to learn the nurses were sending her home in a few hours. Seeing the smile break on my mother¡¯s face when she heard the news made me feel relieved enough to head back home¡ªleaving her both in good hands and in good spirits.

    After visiting my mother, I grabbed a Vicodin from the bottle she gave me and swallowed it with water. At this moment I knew I had to find a way to get the drug from another source. The last thing I wanted was for my mother to feel guilty about feeding me an addiction I was solely responsible for. Although most days were spent contemplating suicide, overdosing wasn¡¯t my preferred method, but if it did become that, the last thing I wanted was for my mother to feel the burden for something she had no control over. After returning home from the hospital, my focus turned to reclaiming my life by looking for work instead of the drama starting to unfold each day at the Good Morning Caf¨¦. The sole purpose of visiting the caf¨¦ was to hopefully run into Anya, but all my visits did was suck me into the vortex of craziness its patrons provided. There was a lot to like about Paul, Theresa and even Crazy Dave. They all brought me some smiles that never would¡¯ve graced my face staying in my room during an extremely hard time for me. Only good vibes were needed now though, and nothing could be allowed that would set me back. Although well-intentioned, Theresa¡¯s judgment of Anya¡¯s love for me broke me into more pieces only furthering the need to scale back my visits to the caf¨¦.

    The weakening economy forced my business idea into a state of urgency. Needing to figure out my cash flow, I created a three-year budget to determine the costs required to get the business off the ground. I never dreamt I¡¯d ever start my own business, but the universe had to be telling me something when I struggled to find a job due to the economy. Having a CPA license and being able to sign audit reports, I would only be cutting myself short by working for someone else¡ªespecially when it seemed the only person, I could depend on income for was me, not an employer. Losing my job just before becoming a partner after being betrayed by a trusted friend and mentor put a sour taste in my mouth about ever working for people again--it just seemed everyone was out for themselves. I understood Kevin¡¯s disappointment after losing the partner position to me, but if I were in his shoes, the last thing I¡¯d ever do is betray a friend. It was a rude awakening learning the day they let me go that I didn¡¯t work with trustworthy and honorable people. The sudden taste of success and wealth turned them all into Jackson Caiaphas.

    KSR claimed to be a conservative firm and they should¡¯ve known after eight years with them the kind of person I was. I knew enough to know that if the truth ever came to light about Jackson, I¡¯d be looked upon as the better person. Since people treated all marriages the same, when they were simply not, there would be no light shone upon its fraudulent existence. If they knew Anya¡¯s pain because of Jackson¡¯s emotional abuse over the years, they would see me in a different light¡ªespecially being a conservative person myself, never jumping into an extramarital relationship without serious consideration. Maybe I should¡¯ve been more wary with kids involved, but Anya reassured me that the only reason she was still there was because no one would be there if she left¡ªshe was afraid to be alone. Once I gave her that, leaving would be easy for her to do. Little did I know, she placed a caveat in there I couldn¡¯t read nor pick up on. Unable to apply the brakes after falling for her, there was no way out but to fight for all she led me to believe and trust in. If that¡¯s the way KSR did business with the employee who helped them get to where they were. If they couldn¡¯t give me the courtesy to truly consider my side of things instead of writing their own narrative and applying their own general rule to my situation, then I wouldn¡¯t want to be a partner there anyway.

    My bank account had dwindled to eight thousand dollars, down from nearly forty thousand when I first lost my job. Estimating it would cost me about three to five thousand dollars to legitimately get my business off the ground, it inspired me enough to put the black binder aside for the time being. My biggest concern was generating business¡ªmarketing was a challenge in public accounting more so than other business ventures and I needed to land a solid consulting gig hopefully spring boarding from that into future work through referrals. With monthly rent of seventeen hundred dollars due each month, I also continued applying for other traditional jobs at the same time. Although memories haunted me every single day at my apartment, the last thing I wanted to do was move into a smaller one.

    Each night, like the earth revolving around the sun, my missing of Anya still got the best of me in different ways, especially through the music she left me with. Most songs she burned for me always seemed to carry a meaning, a moment, or an emotion at some point in our relationship with them. Anya was the only woman I ever cared for that I envisioned in each and every love song. The last line of Diana Krall¡¯s song ¡°The Look of Love¡±, a song she burned for me, was ¡°Don¡¯t ever go.¡±¡ªbreaking me down each and every single time I heard it. Anya would tell me not to read into any of the songs she burned for me, but I would¡¯ve told her the same thing if I burned those songs for her¡ªtoo afraid to let her know how much of a hold she had on me.

    Did Anya honestly think after all we shared together, the good, the bad and even the ugly, I could ever let her go from my heart? Even I had lingering doubts about her love because she was still there, yet I still found myself defending her against Theresa¡ªwanting so badly to prove her wrong. The one thing I was sure of was that she loved me¡ªI only questioned its form and the strength of her love for me, not that it never existed. I could never tell Anya ¡°You don¡¯t love me¡± because I¡¯ve heard and seen her tears over losing me. On the last day we spoke, and I coldly and pridefully told her ¡°What makes you think I¡¯d want to be with you now?¡±, I¡¯ll never forget how much she cried after she heard those hurtful words. This was why her love for me was never in doubt, only the form of her love was. The bigger question was if her form of love was true or because of my role as her confidant. I¡¯ve never been married or even engaged before so Anya¡¯s experience with love was much more than I ever had¡ªI just didn¡¯t know love could have many variations, always believing it was black and white with no areas of gray. I¡¯d listen to the songs Anya burned for me, holding onto her musical taste for dear life. They allowed me to hope, wish and dream just as much as the day she gave them to me, and I wanted her to have one from me too. I wanted her to know she was in my songs as well, even the old ones that were playing when she was nowhere in my life yet being the only woman in them.

    Holding love and forgiveness in my heart for Anya was easy after putting her in a bad spot on the final day we spoke. I hurt too badly to understand the spin cycle I was putting her through. In my heart and eyes, she never betrayed her kids by choosing to be loved and she would never be confused for the general public who easily gave up on their marriages for the wrong reasons. When she told me those things, I felt betrayed by her¡ªit was love, not lust. My only problem was with Anya¡¯s form of love¡ªI struggled defining it because it seemed out of alignment with mine. I never believed she didn¡¯t love me and for anyone, including my own mother, to tell me she didn¡¯t love me on top of all the hurt I already felt, it was the hand that could push me off the bridge.

    My mother spoke her mind because I was her son, but I felt disrespected when Theresa attempted to. She went through the same thing I did and I never questioned her ex¡¯s love for her. Was there any validity to Theresa¡¯s statements? Anya could never make me a promise, so it¡¯s evidence against her love for me, but wouldn¡¯t she have returned my necklace to me by now? She could¡¯ve written me back angrily demanding me to never contact her again, but she never did. I questioned the strength of her love more than I questioned if she was ever in love with me. For Theresa to ask me ¡°Would you have left¡± or ¡°If she loved you, don¡¯t you think she would¡¯ve left?¡± brought me even greater pain during a time I needed to get back to working again. Spending most of my days, days I should be making money, sitting in a coffee shop, depressed, my eyes inside a three-ring binder and hopped up on a drug just to get through the day was not me. The only thing that kept me going, was the belief Anya loved me, and that she still did. My opinion mattered the most¡ªno one else was in my room when Anya and I were together. The outsiders all speculated at my heart¡¯s expense and I didn¡¯t appreciate it because I¡¯d never do that to anyone I knew who was going through a terrible heartache. Everyone in a relationship seems to think they know more about love than others, but they never dreamt of it the way I did. Theresa should¡¯ve known the rules of engagement regarding my heartbreak more than anyone¡ªthe three-ring black binder was deeply real.

    In order to put my budget plan in place, the continuing recession forced me to sell all my investments before they fell any further. No matter what it took, the time was now or never to get my life back on track¡ªwhether that was building my business, accepting interviews for new work, and writing my book. Eight months of unemployment, depression and drugs had officially worn me down. My mother showed me every single day that life was too short to be spent depressed. If I didn¡¯t change my ways, I¡¯d soon find myself in the same hospital. I had to do something that could build Anya¡¯s feelings of love for me, one that elicited an emotion within her specific to us¡ªsomething remaining depressed and broken would never accomplish; something that reminded her of what we had together and that I still believed in our love. I wrote her a heartfelt thirty-page apology letter and I meant every word. I then sent her a piece of my heart in the CD I burned her, to make sure she knew she was still on my mind. She sent me songs from her preferred genre and I ended up loving them all, so I hoped she felt the way about the songs I sent her. I also had to do something else to keep her fond memories of us alive, deciding to send her a DVD, Jim Gaffigan¡¯s ¡°King Baby¡±. I just didn¡¯t know what day should it arrive to her¡­on Mother¡¯s Day or June second¡ªthe day we met?

    After a few weeks to get my life back in order, I braved the Good Morning Caf¨¦ with my black three-ringed binder still in tow and perched myself in my usual available black leather chair. Both Paul and Dave were there and we waved at each other as I entered. Paul then rose from his seat, taking the one next to mine. Dave shook his head a few times in feigned disbelief before making his way towards me.

    ¡°I can¡¯t believe my eyes!¡± Dave exclaimed. ¡°You¡¯re back!¡±

    ¡°I had to take care of some things.¡± I told him. ¡°Had to get my house back in order.¡±

    ¡°That pretty Croatian, the one who has the crush on you¡­¡± He yelled as if no one else was in the caf¨¦ but us. ¡°has been asking where you¡¯ve been. You got HER worried SICK!¡±

    ¡°Oh.¡± I replied shaking my head, laughing. ¡°She does not have a crush on me¡ªI can assure you.¡±

    ¡°I know a crush when I SEE a CRUSH.¡± He retorted, nodding. ¡°and SHE is crushing on YOU!¡±

    Paul then tapped me on the shoulder with a countenance that acknowledged Crazy Dave¡¯s antics annoyed him enough to leave his side and come sit next to me instead.

    ¡°We all know he¡¯s a little wacky.¡± he told me, low enough so Crazy Dave couldn¡¯t hear. ¡°but even he¡¯s thinkin¡¯ clearly on this one.¡±

    This was the last thing I wanted¡ªwhat gave them the impression she had a crush on me? Because we had a conversation outside? Or was it because Dave liked her and she shot him down? I thought the possibility she liked me could exist, but if she did, it explained why she bashed Anya so much¡ªshe wanted me to fall out of love with her. I guess Theresa and her infinite behavioral therapist wisdom believed the big black binder was a hoax. She had ¡°pretty¡± features but Theresa just wasn¡¯t my type at all¡ªtoo plain Jane for my taste, but I had no room in my heart for anyone but Anya anyway. Theresa could¡¯ve been a Playboy cover girl and she wouldn¡¯t have appealed to me. That¡¯s another reason I got upset with Anya¡ªI was picky enough before I met her but allowing me to love her this deeply ruined me for others. It also annoyed me when people discounted feelings I made known to them¡ªespecially feelings of love because I respected it more than others¡ªrefusing to take it for granted. If Theresa did have loftier goals in mind for us, she basically said to me that I¡¯m the kind of man who had no idea what love was and that I was like most, jumping from girl to girl without any emotional ties. Love wasn¡¯t a word I threw lightly around, hoping to connect with people on. If I had known believing in love would¡¯ve caused me such great despair, I would¡¯ve never tried to connect with Anya. Now I had to find a way, while dealing with a heart beyond broken, to let someone know I wasn¡¯t interested in dating anyone, if ever again.

    I also didn¡¯t want to assume anything or hurt Theresa¡¯s feelings in anyway, but it upset me that this kind of conversation possibly needed to take place. She should¡¯ve known better to underestimate the love I clearly still felt, especially in a circumstance not different from hers. Instead, she tells me Anya didn¡¯t love me hoping the closer she got to me, the greater the chance a light will go on inside my head to choose her? That I would eventually end up dropping all the things I ever felt for Anya and choose her instead? I just couldn¡¯t believe I had to deal with this anxiety all because I wanted to get out of the house and feel less broken. Although she pushed her beliefs on me, Theresa was a kind person who actually helped me, but everyone other than Anya was not my type now.

    ¡°Where have you been the last two weeks?¡± Paul asked.

    ¡°On job interviews¡ªtryin¡¯ to get my life back in order.¡± I told him.

    ¡°Still haven¡¯t found anything, huh?¡±

    ¡°Nope.¡± I acknowledged, shaking my head. ¡°I decided to start my own business since nothing is coming up on the job front.¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s the best way to go if you can do it.¡± he replied, smiling. ¡°Good luck.¡±

    After thanking him, Paul patted me on the back then went back to his post next to Dave. When he sat down, like a tag team duo, Crazy Dave then rose from his chair and strutted over to me. He never took Paul¡¯s chair, opting to stand next to me before making an announcement.

    ¡°I saw you in here once with a brunette.¡± he blared, then pointing outside the window. ¡°You were sittin¡¯ right there in the patio.¡±

    ¡°You remember that?¡± I responded, astonished. ¡°That was like three or four years ago.¡±

    ¡°You bet I do!¡± he exclaimed proudly. ¡°Gorgeous brunette! A knock out!¡±

    ¡°She wasn¡¯t bad.¡± I told him, thinking if he only knew she left me there alone with the unfinished drink I bought her.

    ¡°Are you kiddin¡¯ me? ¡°She wasn¡¯t bad¡¯?¡± he mocked me, with a look of incredulity on his face. ¡°I stuck my head once in a killer whale.¡±

    ¡°I know. You told me all about it one day while I was in line.¡± I reminded him, his memory not as refined as he thought it was.

    ¡°I¡¯ve been married five times.¡± he announced. ¡°And divorced that many times too.¡±

    ¡°Sorry to hear that.¡±

    ¡°The killer whale, or the third wife, was the one that did me in though. She crushed me.¡± He revealed. ¡°Blonde with big breasts--used to be a Playboy Playmate! She used to love driving in my convertible¡ªtop down. I gave her the world. Give her more if she wanted it!¡±

    I didn¡¯t know what to say. A part of me wanted to laugh, but I knew the place where he was headed.

    ¡°I used to be a teacher in the LB school district. Came home from work one day. Found her in bed with another man.¡± He continued. ¡°No more killer whales for me.¡±

    ¡°We¡¯re all just seals.¡± I told him.

    ¡°Look out for that pretty Croatian.¡± he retorted, breaching the subject. ¡°She has the hots for you.¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t think so.¡± I told him, anxiety swelling inside me. ¡°You can¡¯t tell those kinds of things.¡±

    ¡°Oh¡­it¡¯s in the eyes. She lights up when she sees you!¡± He shot. ¡°She¡¯s been coming in here for two years, never talking to anyone until you started showing up.¡±

    ¡°She doesn¡¯t have a crush on me.¡± I hoped, shaking my head. ¡°She¡¯s a behavioral health therapist working on her profession.¡±

    ¡°She¡¯s never helped anyone before¡­Paul,¡± he claimed, pointing a crooked finger at our friend. ¡°he¡¯s an ALCOHOLIC and she couldn¡¯t care less about helpin¡¯ HIM!¡±

    ¡°Hey, watch it.¡± Paul crooned.

    ¡°Sorry Paul, but it¡¯s TRUE!¡± Dave roared back.

    ¡°I was an alcoholic--you don¡¯t see me runnin¡¯ around tellin¡¯ everyone you¡¯re with a killer whale.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m not with the killer WHALE! My head is out now. WAY OUT! See my head? I still have it!¡±

    ¡°Do you, Dave?¡± Paul replied, scratching his head. ¡°Do ya really?¡±

    Whether out of boredom or defeat, Dave then turned his attention back to me while Paul shook his head with understanding¡ªknowing he couldn¡¯t win a reasoning battle with the unreasonable.

    ¡°Are you doin¡¯, okay?¡± He asked, a serious look on his face. ¡°Do ya need any money?¡±

    ¡°Thanks for the offer, Dave but I¡¯m good.¡± I told him while being completely thrown off by his question. ¡°I¡¯m fine.¡±

    ¡°Well, the pretty CROATIAN has the hots for YOU. Everyone can see it! Right Paul?¡±

    As Paul waved him off, opting to stare off into nowhere rather than responding, Dave doubled down.

    Hey, Jonas Brother?¡± Yelled Dave at one of the baristas who supposedly bore a resemblance. ¡°Does the pretty Croatian has the hots for him or what?¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t know.¡± responded the young barista with both hands in the air.

    Dave then looked quickly back at Paul for anything he could add.

    ¡°You know how I feel about it.¡± Quipped Paul.

    ¡°I don¡¯t think the pretty Croatian is a killer whale.¡± Exclaimed Dave loudly. ¡°And I should know¡ªI¡¯m the EXPERT!¡±

    Now that everyone pretty much knew the pretty Croatian had the hots for me, all I could do was shake my head.

    ¡°Thank you for imparting such words of wisdom upon me, but she¡¯s only trying to help me out with some things I¡¯m going through¡ªthere¡¯s nothing more than that goin¡¯ on.¡± I explained. ¡°Glad you lived to tell of the killer whale ordeal.¡±

    Crazy Dave then nodded and shook my hand, for whatever purpose that served, and went back to his chair, hiding his face behind a newspaper. Moving my eyes over to Paul for some kind of explanation, all he could do was shake his head hoping Dave didn¡¯t lead him back to the bottle. At that moment a smile broke upon my face¡ªa warmth I hadn¡¯t felt since my breakup. Mitch told me about Dave¡¯s divorces, but to hear it straight from the horse¡¯s mouth, I better understood why he was so messed up. Upon learning what I did, it seemed rather cruel to refer to him as Crazy Dave¡ªas if I were immune to the same fate someday. The truth was, I had come to appreciate Dave and Paul. Life had done a number on them and I respected how they were shaped by their experiences. They were old school¡ªtoo virile to seek help and now finding themselves in the public eye dealing with their pain. Paul clearly cared, but Dave was oblivious to the judgments and scrutiny around him¡ªhe was too busy scrutinizing everyone else. They lived here much longer than I have and they just wanted to pass their knowledge onto me¡ªor anyone within earshot. I came to learn that Paul and Dave were harmless to others, and only harmful to themselves¡ªI couldn¡¯t say I was much different than either of them. My pain just hasn¡¯t manifested the way theirs did yet. Then again, I didn¡¯t consider myself too proud to seek therapy.

    As badly as Anya broke my heart, I couldn¡¯t imagine my reaction if I found her in bed with another man. Then again, I would¡¯ve never married Anya for her big breasts, the color of her hair or because she loved my convertible¡ªa divorce was written in the stars for him before it happened. Unfortunately, his superficial view on love factored in his decision to marry¡ªand to be divorced five times. One would think he''d realize the criterion he based love upon was deeply flawed, but the very definition of insanity was to do the same thing and expect a different result¡ªhe wasn¡¯t known as crazy for nothing. It was easy to see how Dave and Paul saw a piece of their old selves in me, bringing them both back to a better time¡ªadding a dimension that made them feel normal, even alive, again. Although I preferred not to be a source of anyone¡¯s entertainment, if it helped them, I was good with it. When I first began frequenting the Good Morning Caf¨¦, I wanted to avoid Crazy Dave like the plague, but he seemed to get less boisterous over time. Although I tried to disassociate myself from him, I found an appreciation in both his generosity and authenticity and after our pretty Croatian exchange, I never referred to him as Crazy Dave ever again¡ªI was glad to know him.

    Theresa walked in about an hour after my conversation with Dave and Paul. The very second, she sat down next to me, I sensed four sets of eyes were fixed on me. When mine sought them out for confirmation, two quickly disappeared behind a newspaper.

    ¡°How have you been?¡± she asked with wide blue eyes. ¡°I haven¡¯t seen you in a couple of weeks?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯ve been good.¡± I told her. ¡°How¡¯s your friend?¡±

    ¡°My friend is doin¡¯ better! Thanks for praying!¡± she replied excitedly. ¡°See! The power of prayer works!¡±

    ¡°Happy to hear that.¡± I smiled, but knowing my unspoken prayers never made it through the wire to help aid in her recovery.

    ¡°Please say a prayer for my friend, Elise.¡± she added. ¡°She¡¯s going through a rough time right now and needs prayers.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m sure she¡¯ll be just fine without my prayers.¡± I smiled, holding onto the fact for dear life her other friend improved without my help.

    ¡°Oh no! I need my prayer warriors! Have you ever heard of Jim Canfield?¡±

    ¡°No, but I¡¯ve heard of Jim Cantfield.¡± I joked. ¡°Are they related?¡±

    ¡°Ha. Ha. Very funny.¡± she deadpanned. ¡°Jim Canfield uses visualization techniques to manifest certain outcomes. I¡¯ll email you a video so you can watch it¡ªhe¡¯s really good.¡±

    ¡°Sure, thanks.¡± I replied, annoyed.

    ¡°Come outside and sit with me. Get some Vitamin D.¡±

    The very second after her request was uttered, those same four eyes from earlier were right back on me.

    ¡°Thank you for the offer, Theresa, but I¡¯m leaving soon.¡± I quickly responded. ¡°Maybe next time.¡±

    ¡°Oh. Okay.¡± She nodded, disappointment filling her voice. ¡°Next time.¡±

    ¡°My mom wanted me to thank you for the card.¡± I told her, feeling responsible for her tone. ¡°She said it was very nice of you. She¡¯s enjoying the book.¡±

    ¡°Oh, she¡¯s most welcome! I¡¯m happy to hear she¡¯s enjoying it.¡± Theresa¡¯s voice still reflecting disappointment. ¡°I have to get outside now. Talk to you soon. I¡¯ll email that video to you. Don¡¯t be a stranger.¡±

    ¡°I won¡¯t¡ªI¡¯ve decided to cut down my visits but I¡¯ll be by again this week.¡±

    ¡°Have a good day.¡±

    ¡°You too.¡±

    After she exited, I rose from my chair, tucked my heart¡¯s black monstrosity of despair under my arm and then faced the folks.

    ¡°Sorry to disappoint you guys.¡± I told them, grinning.

    ¡°I¡¯d be outside right now¡ªthat¡¯s for DAMN sure.¡± Grumbled Dave before disappearing behind his newspaper again.

    ¡°See ya next time, Land.¡± Said Paul, saluting me farewell.

    I nodded then returned to the most dreadful of all places on earth¡ªmy apartment. Ten minutes after jumping back on the computer to work on my life, the strength to do so left me. It only took two Vicodin before deciding to torture myself¡ªgetting back on the computer only to search the internet instead. Upon checking my email, Theresa already sent me a link to the Jim Canfield videos she promised, but I kept the email as unread as a reminder to watch them later. The only new development was that Anya came up as a friend suggestion on my Facebook account. But how could she come up as a friend suggestion if she wasn¡¯t even a friend of mine on Facebook? Could it be because I visited her profile too many times? If that was the reason, how come Katie never appeared as a friend suggestion nor did Jackson? I looked at their profiles just as much if not more? Could Anya have visited my profile, to deal with all the emotions we were left with, too? Was this why she protected her husband¡¯s curiosity? If she ever got curious herself? If she truly did look me up on Facebook, it would warm my heart to know¡ªto feel the safety in that. After all we shared, how could I be the only curious one? Most importantly, if curiosity got the best of her, she had to feel what I still did for her. Every single day without her in my life was like waking up to a nightmare¡ªlike reliving my own murder. To believe she may have been curious gave me a ton of hope that we could work our issues out one day¡ªwithout a situation in our way. The love was there, only the situation stood in the way. Even with everyone saying she didn¡¯t love me, I held the belief she still did, and it was instances such as this, Anya showing up as my number one Facebook friend suggestion, made me feel certain they were wrong.

    I didn¡¯t want to get upset with Theresa about her opinion¡ªit wasn¡¯t done to attack but to help me. The way she pushed God, and even Jim Canfield on me though, made me feel she was trying to mold me into someone I simply wasn¡¯t¡ªthe man for her. Before I met Anya, I would¡¯ve entertained Theresa¡¯s intrusion into my life, but after falling in love with Anya, I knew I had found my soulmate¡ªwhat every woman, not just Theresa, was up against now. If she continued to mold me or become more judgmental about someone I still loved, I¡¯d have to let Theresa know how her sentiments made me feel.

    I found myself at The Good Morning Caf¨¦ the next afternoon. Paul and Dave were both in their usual spots and they acknowledged me upon arriving. The Vicodin I took began setting nicely in as I pored through the full heavy black binder on my lap. Upon learning of the possibility that Anya¡¯s curiosity got the best of her, hope was easy to find within its pages on this day. After an hour passed since arriving, a gentleman with an open black leather jacket I had never seen shared pleasantries with both Dave and Paul. He was a thin figured man, with thinning black hair and wild eyebrows upon an unspectacular face that bore an undecipherable boyish grin¡ªone ostensibly of passion, wonder and madness. He vigorously shook hands with them, talking loudly as if they have known each other for years after returning home from a long trip. I had grown to like Paul and Dave, but I didn¡¯t know if I was ready to make any more acquaintances at the coffee shop. Unfortunately, Dave wouldn¡¯t allow me to have a voice in the matter.

    ¡°Land!¡± yelled Dave, trying to get my attention. ¡°Land! LAND LAST man!¡±

    ¡°What¡¯s up, Dave?¡± I asked, annoyed.

    ¡°This is Barney.¡± he informed me. ¡°Barney¡¯s an artist! He¡¯s a MAD man!¡±

    ¡°Nice to meet you.¡± I waved, trying not to laugh at Dave¡¯s subtle jab at his friend.

    ¡°Nice to meet you.¡± Barney replied, nodding.

    ¡°Landyn is a writer.¡± Dave informed Barney.

    ¡°Is that right? A writer?¡±

    ¡°A hobby is all it is.¡± I clarified.

    ¡°I¡¯m a small-scale artist. My work is in a few museums.¡± Barney claimed. ¡°Have you published anything?¡±

    ¡°I just write for fun.¡± I explained. ¡°Do you live around here?¡±

    ¡°I live in Torrance. Where¡¯d you grow up at?¡±

    ¡°I know Torrance¡ªI used to work there years ago. I grew up in Harbor City.¡±

    ¡°I know where Harbor City is¡ªit¡¯s across the two bridges.¡±

    ¡°Yep.¡±

    ¡°Small world.¡±

    ¡°Yep.¡±

    ¡°Nice to meet you, Landyn.¡±

    ¡°Likewise, Barney.¡±

    After meeting Barney, I tried sinking my eyes back on my big black binder of hope, but before I could, Theresa entered the caf¨¦. Instead of saying hello as she passed me, she went straight to the end of the ordering line¡ªsomething she never did before. After she had her drink in hand, she took a seat into the empty chair next to me. This time though, I noticed six eyes on me, and not just the four I was used to.

    ¡°How are you this morning?¡± she asked. ¡°Did you get my email?

    ¡°I received the Jim Canfield link. Thank you.¡±

    ¡°How¡¯d you like it?¡±

    ¡°I haven¡¯t had a chance to watch it yet, but I will.¡± I told her, not sure if I¡¯d ever view it at all.

    ¡°You¡¯ll love him! He¡¯s absolutely brilliant!¡± promoted Theresa. ¡°He¡¯s helped me out a lot!¡±

    ¡°How¡¯s your friend?¡± I asked, purposely changing the subject.

    ¡°She¡¯s doing well, but please keep praying for her! It means a lot to me.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m happy to hear she¡¯s doing better.¡± I replied before laying it on the line. ¡°She¡¯ll surely be in my thoughts.¡±

    ¡°And prayers?¡± She smiled widely, her eyes ballooning.

    ¡°Sure.¡± I responded defeated, fighting back the urge to tell her no, just thoughts.

    I didn¡¯t want to say anything that would hurt her feelings¡ªshe gave a thoughtful gift to my mother and even helped me, but my past made me resistant to her faith. If my own mother couldn¡¯t reach me after years of trying, Theresa had no prayer in accomplishing the feat. I didn¡¯t appreciate her pushing of faith on me, making me feel like a bad person. She needed to respect that other people didn¡¯t need Jim Canfield to derive their strength from. If I were to ever find God, the greatest miracle ever, it would have to come on my own terms and time. Pushing God upon me wasn¡¯t Theresa¡¯s biggest offense, but rather how she didn¡¯t respect the deep love I had for Anya, even attempting to demonize her. All because her and I weren¡¯t together right now didn¡¯t mean we would never be. Theresa knew as much as I did that love was not black and white sometimes. There was a lot of gray in both of our relationships and it was disappointing she chose to ignore that.

    ¡°Did you want to get some Vitamin D today?¡± she asked. ¡°It¡¯s good for you.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m wearing a sweatshirt today¡ªI¡¯d just sweat if I went outside.¡± I told her. ¡°You¡¯re welcome to sit here if you¡¯d like.¡±

    ¡°Um¡­too many old guys in here.¡± she whispered, looking around. ¡°All I seem to attract are old men.¡±

    I then nodded as three pair of old eyes that Theresa was oblivious to gazed over at me.

    ¡°Are you leaving soon?¡± She asked.

    ¡°Yeah, I have to get back home.¡±

    ¡°Can I ask you a question?¡±

    ¡°Okay.¡± I replied, reluctantly.

    ¡°Do you think if you and your ex were together that things would be perfect?¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t think anything in life is ever perfect.¡± I answered. ¡°But my life certainly would be.¡±

    ¡°I thought things would be rosy too when he left his wife. Our wedding song was ¡°Unchained Melody¡±. Everything seemed like a dream come true.¡± she revealed. ¡°The truth was it wasn¡¯t¡ªhis kids didn¡¯t like me. I could do nothing right in their eyes, and the man I loved and thought I knew, turned out to be the wrong one.¡±

    Theresa¡¯s words made me instantly reflect upon Anya¡¯s fears in a different way for the first time¡ªhow she wanted her kids to like me if we were ever together. How Anya never made a promise to me because she had to make sure her kids loved the man she loved too. It made me mad to think how being separated from the turmoil helped me to consider this for the first time.

    ¡°It just made me think about you, and wanted to share that with you.¡± She continued. ¡°It could be different for you though, but sometimes we should be careful what we wish for.¡±This content has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

    It was very thoughtful of Theresa to share that with me, and although it felt like Anya mattered to me more than I mattered to her, she simply didn¡¯t fall in love due to being bored in her marriage. Anya¡¯s husband abused her mentally and emotionally¡ªwhy I believed my story would end up differently than Theresa¡¯s. It was also clear; Anya was far more considerate of my feelings than Theresa¡¯s paramour was of hers.

    Over the next couple of days, Theresa emailed me another link to Jim Canfield, including sending another email pointing out thirty-five reasons why she thought I was ¡°great¡±. Her email was unexpected and super sweet¡ªshe put a lot of thought into writing it and likely some fear into sending it. It also made me realize everything Paul and Dave suspected all along¡ªshe liked me. She had a goal in mind¡ªbring him close to God and away from his Ex so she could date me. Theresa could try, but I would never feel like a ¡°great¡± guy because no one ever showed this kind of interest in me¡ªAnya never sent me an email detailing five, let alone thirty-five reasons, why she thought I was special. If I had met Theresa before Anya, I may have been interested, but I was no longer the same man. In order to distance myself from her, if she didn¡¯t already know my heart wasn¡¯t available, I never responded to her emails. When I saw her enter the coffee shop a week later, it was time to get some Vitamin D to let her know where I stood.

    ¡°Did you get my emails?¡± she asked before I could say hello, holding a drink in her hand.

    ¡°I did. Thank you.¡± I said, closing my black binder.

    ¡°How come you didn¡¯t write me back?¡± She questioned. ¡°Not even a squeak from a mouse to let me know you received them?¡±

    ¡°Can we talk outside? I need some Vitamin D today.¡± I smiled.

    ¡°Sure.¡±

    Under a partly cloudy sky we both sat down in her usual spot on the patio. Upon noticing no one was around us, relief filled my senses¡ªit should be easier to communicate what I had to tell her.

    ¡°I¡¯m sorry I didn¡¯t write you back¡ªyour emails were very kind and thoughtful.¡± I said, taking the lead. ¡°I appreciate them and wanted to tell you that in person.¡±

    ¡°I just wanted to make sure you got them.¡±

    ¡°Theresa, I¡¯m afraid I¡¯ve opened myself up to you a little more than I should have and I owe you an apology for that.¡±

    ¡°Oh?¡± She responded, her head tilting with steady eyes.

    ¡°I appreciate the fact that you want to help me--you¡¯re a much better person than I am, honestly.¡± I continued, fighting to keep my eyes in hers. ¡°You deserve nothing but all the happiness in the world. I¡¯m sorry you found yourself in a situation like I did and I hate the fact it didn¡¯t turn out the way you thought it would.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re not giving yourself enough credit.¡± she countered. ¡°You¡¯re a wonderful man.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m not a wonderful man though¡ªthe exact opposite.¡± I told her, shaking my head. ¡°I respect your beliefs because it¡¯s a source of strength for you, but when God is pushed on me, like when you asked me to pray for your friends, it pushes me away. Not because I don¡¯t care about their wellness, but when you ask someone to pray after they¡¯ve made it known they don¡¯t believe in God, you¡¯re being disrespectful towards their beliefs.¡±

    Theresa appeared before me speechless¡ªher silence only forcing me to continue.

    ¡°I guess I would¡¯ve appreciated it if you asked me to ¡°keep my friend in your thoughts¡± or ¡°think of my friend¡± instead of asking me to pray for them¡ªit would¡¯ve shown me you acknowledged you were aware of my life experiences that led me to feel the way I do about God. There¡¯s a real reason why I believe in ¡°goodness¡± and not ¡°God¡±. Maybe that¡¯ll change one day? I don¡¯t know the future, but if I¡¯m a good person then I should be worthy of ¡°heaven¡± regardless of my faith in God.¡±

    ¡°If that¡¯s the way you feel.¡± she replied dismissively, bowing her head and looking away from me.

    ¡°I must also admit I took it to heart after you played ¡°devil¡¯s advocate¡± by asking me ¡°Would you have left?¡±.¡± I carried on. ¡°I know I told you ¡°yes, I would¡± but after much thought, I take that back. The truth is our situations were very different.¡±

    ¡°What do you mean different?¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s just different for a mother. It¡¯s easy for me to say ¡°yes, I would¡± but I don¡¯t know how easy it¡¯d be if I were a mother of two.¡± I explained. ¡°She used to tell me whenever she was with them that she would miss me so often that it made her feel she wasn¡¯t there for them. Although it was mostly because she was unhappy with the marriage, it probably went a little deeper than that. This may have been the case for your ex as well¡­I don¡¯t know.¡±

    ¡°If she wanted to be with you, why wouldn¡¯t she?¡± She quipped.

    ¡°She used to tell me all the time that if we were together, she would not leave my side¡ªthat I¡¯d get sick of her. She couldn¡¯t have been more wrong about anything.¡± I smiled after speaking of the memory. ¡°If she left him for me, she probably wouldn¡¯t be there for her kids because she¡¯d want to be near me. If she neglected them, because she couldn¡¯t stand to be away from me and her kids struggled with that, she¡¯d heap the guilt upon herself because she chose to be with me.¡±

    ¡°You truly believe that, Landyn?¡± She questioned, shaking her head.

    ¡°As much as we would love to believe otherwise, love is never black and white¡ªthere¡¯s always some gray in there.¡± I told her. ¡°It doesn¡¯t mean you don¡¯t love that person if you also have to live with the guilt of ruining the future of your children. That maybe following your heart is sometimes selfish. I know she was afraid her kids would hate her for it, and then hate me too. It wasn¡¯t because she wasn¡¯t ¡°in love¡± with me that she chose to stay.¡±

    Theresa nodded then sighed.

    ¡°You don¡¯t know about this, but about a month ago, a girl approached me inside and asked me for my number wanting to go out on a date.¡± I revealed. ¡°After all my heartbreaks I¡¯ve learned to cultivate a ¡°gut¡± feeling that wouldn¡¯t allow me to give my number to her. The other day she came into the cafe clinging onto the tattooed arm of a bald ganger banger type guy. I knew something didn¡¯t feel right and I was right.¡±

    ¡°What does that have to do with anything we¡¯re talking about?¡± she posed, shaking her head again.

    ¡°Well, that¡¯s how it is with my Ex¡ªI feel in my ¡°gut¡± I¡¯m still meant to be with her. It¡¯s just not right now.¡±

    ¡°Come on, now¡­how can you believe that¡¯ll still happen?¡±

    ¡°Of course, no one truly knows what¡¯ll happen, but I do know this, Everyone has a soul mate and I know she¡¯s it.¡± I told her, an attempt to eliminate her negativity. ¡°I appreciate our friendship but if our conversations are intended to get me to believe in ¡°God¡± or to help me ¡°fall out of love¡± with my ex-girlfriend or to think badly of her in any way, I can¡¯t be a friend you deserve.¡±

    Again, she just stared at me in disbelief of the honesty I dealt to her, forcing me to continue.

    ¡°I just hope you don¡¯t think I don¡¯t appreciate the fact you care, I do, it¡¯s just those things are like sacred ground to me.¡±

    ¡°Here, I thought I was helpin¡¯ you¡­but I guess it backfired.¡± she exclaimed. ¡°I must say what you just said shocks me. I need some time to process this.¡±

    I didn¡¯t mean to catch her off guard, but she caught me off guard when a person I met a month ago decided to take a sledgehammer to destroy everything I ever felt for someone as if she knew me for years. I lived for love my entire life¡ªbreathing it every single day for someone over the last three years, Even if Anya didn¡¯t feel the same way, what I felt for her was more than real to me. I appreciated Theresa¡¯s help, but I never asked for it.

    ¡°It¡¯s not necessary to process anything¡ªthis is the way I feel.¡± I shot, shaking my head to mimic her. ¡°We¡¯re two nurturers on different wavelengths¡ªthere¡¯s more to gain if you devote your time to helping other people. I¡¯m still in love with my soulmate, so there¡¯s nothing to really process or debate.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯ve wasted my time and energy.¡± she groaned, then removing a book from her bag. ¡°This makes me kind of mad.¡±

    ¡°I never asked for your help, Theresa. You took it upon yourself to assume I needed help after sharing something we had common ground on.¡± I countered, worried she would tell people what I shared with her the way she wanted to see it. ¡°I don¡¯t care what anyone says. I went into my relationship for all the right reasons while you chose a man who was bored with his marriage. What did you think the outcome would be?¡±

    ¡°I resent you for saying that.¡± she barked. ¡°I took an emotional risk with you.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m sorry, but I¡¯m not receptive to your challenges, disrespecting my relationship and my religious boundaries.¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t know what you mean by disrespecting your religious boundaries.¡±

    ¡°Did you know I never prayed for your friend? Not because I didn¡¯t care, but because I don¡¯t believe in God? Even without my prayers, your friend got better. Imagine that.¡± I told her, sneaking sarcasm into the conversation. ¡°You can go ahead and resent me for being honest with you, but I refuse to mislead you into thinking I¡¯m interested in dating you. You¡¯re a good person, but the timing is awful¡ªyou know how I feel about my ex.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m not interested in dating you nor have I ever been!¡± she replied chuckling. ¡°I don¡¯t know what gave you that impression!¡±

    ¡°Okay, good. Then why do you want me to feel guilty about the emotional risk you took for just a friendship?¡± I inquired. ¡°Or was the emotional risk taken in an attempt to change me into a God-fearing man with the hope I¡¯d be a good match?¡±

    Theresa looked at me in disbelief I could ever come up with such a scenario.

    ¡°I¡¯ve made it more than clear who holds my heart.¡± I told her, pointing to the black binder. ¡°So, forgive me for not understanding why you¡¯d ever make me feel guilty for takin¡¯ an emotional risk, that had all the red flags out there, for you not to take? You questioned my Ex¡¯s love for me after swallowing my pride and sharing with you all I felt for her? This is why I can¡¯t date anyone, anymore. I don¡¯t understand women¡­at all.¡±

    ¡°Well, I did think about datin¡¯ you.¡± She admitted. ¡°I did find you attractive, and I actually don¡¯t really question your ex¡¯s love for you so I¡¯m sorry you felt that.¡±

    I nodded with humility and as much grace as I could muster.

    ¡°One thing I want to remind you of is that I was the one who said that leaving the one you love is the deepest form of love. I meant it then and I still believe it. Not actually knowing her, I have to trust and respect what you¡¯re telling me you both felt.¡± She continued. ¡°I believe you have the ability to recognize deep and rare love. How you love is beautiful and would be a gift to any woman.¡±

    Theresa¡¯s words left me speechless¡ªshe was able to recognize in such a short time what Anya did. It made me even contemplate for the first time in my life, after learning Theresa did like me, that maybe God did exist¡ªthe possibility He brings people in your life intentionally for different reasons. He used Theresa in my life as a Maybe Person¡ªmaybe she¡¯s the one, maybe she¡¯s not, but in the end, she brought him a little closer to me. The realization God may have brought Theresa in my life made me also consider Dave¡¯s and Paul¡¯s introductions¡ªcould they have all been united for a common purpose? Could it be while I was hating God that He heard me and continued doing work? Then again, this all had to be just one massive coincidence.

    I never believed Anya leaving me was a form of deep love but rather abandonment because of all I felt for her. Although it was hard for me to feel this way, for Theresa to recognize how much I appreciated a deep and rare love meant a lot to me, while remaining both a blessing and a curse. I put my entire life on the line for it with Anya, but it was something most people never dared to do¡ªthe purest form of suicide.

    ¡°Thank you for that.¡± I told her, nodding with a smile.

    We talked for a few minutes before departing on a good note¡­and with Vitamin D and some things off of my chest. I hated to tell Theresa the things I did, but if I kept it from her, I would¡¯ve only wasted more of her time. Now, she could focus on someone who would appreciate her help. The only common ground we shared was that we dated people who were legally married. I decided to love someone who was not in love with her husband nor was there for him emotionally. Theresa on the other hand, loved a man who still loved his wife but was seeking excitement¡ªhe was never emotionally withdrawn. If Anya was just bored with her marriage, I would¡¯ve never dated her unless she left¡ªTheresa was a lot braver than I was.

    Theresa was a good person, but she didn¡¯t respect my boundaries and the walls I constructed¡ªthey would always be Theresa proof. I was still in love with someone that was now in my life and heart for three years. I carried a big black three ring binder that contained the story of our love that I held dear and read every day¡ªeven out in the public eye. She didn¡¯t even know how badly I relied on unprescribed pills to get me through each day. Regardless, she had to respect the barrier I made known to her. I¡¯m guilty of sharing some private information with her that maybe made her feel special, but I never asked for anything other than an ear. Being open with her wasn¡¯t a plea for help, but rather just being honest about what I was going through. She had to take a step back and better assess what people needed from her¡ªshe was a behavioral therapist. Theresa went for someone who¡¯s partner didn¡¯t seem like a bad person when Anya¡¯s significant other could be the offspring of Satan after all she told me about him. How a good person like Theresa, could get swept up in love without recognizing the pain she caused a likely good spouse, showed a lack of understanding on her part. I could never put a faithful, loyal husband through that kind of misery because I could easily be that man one day. Theresa tried taking a sledgehammer to my walls in the middle of construction, yet all she considered was the emotional risk she was taking¡ªwithout understand she only had the power to add another brick or stone.

    I found myself resenting Theresa for asking me if I would have left. How could she ever imply Anya never loved me without also considering she was a mother with two kids? It wasn¡¯t right for her to demonize Anya when she didn¡¯t even know her. She never heard how hard she cried when my phone battery died while witnessing a wedding in Canada. Or how much she cried when she came to my place to break up with me. She never even heard her despair on the phone the last day I heard her voice. It wasn¡¯t just Theresa, but no one knew the love Anya showed me that allowed and encouraged me to feel so strongly for her. No one saw the love in her eyes when we were alone but me¡ªI was the best source of information because I knew the truth. All others had to go on was the fact Anya wasn¡¯t with me right now. I didn¡¯t want people to sugarcoat things for me, but don¡¯t assume I was too blind to see. If I truly felt she screwed me over in any way, I would¡¯ve taken care of business. People are going to question my judgment but I don¡¯t think Theresa, of all people, had that right¡ªwhy I resented her question. I shared the best times of my life with Anya and it was never about the ¡°excitement¡± of dating someone who was married. The situation was the only thing that destroyed us. All the women who were ever free to love me, didn¡¯t come close to loving me as well as Anya did. If Theresa seriously contemplated dating me, then how could I ever rely on her for an objective opinion about Anya?

    I stayed away from The Good Morning Caf¨¦ for two weeks after my conversation with Theresa, purposely distancing myself from her. Opting to only visit on days and times when I knew she likely wouldn¡¯t be there¡ªthe weekdays. One late Saturday afternoon, in a depressed mood, I went there with my big black binder in tow. Saturday nights were especially tough imagining her and Jackson likely out to dinner together, and I took two Vicodin trying to cope with that upcoming reality. Surrounded by nothing but memories there were also things I never got to experience with her. Like getting ready together for a night out and the excitement of stepping out in public with her as a couple¡ªand it wrecked me to know she shared that with another who wasn¡¯t even grateful for it. During my darkest times, it was hard to see it was for the kids, but there were times when I did. Unfortunately, this night was not one of those times. By now, six months later, why did it still hurt so much? This freedom never carried a sense of peace but only a paralysis of loneliness¡ªthere was no room in my heart to love anyone else, remaining true only to agony. The only solace I had was how on most days now that Anya appeared as my most featured friend request on Facebook, helping me to hope against all hope she still felt the way I did. Although nothing could ever feel right about us being apart, Taubee¡¯s words found their way into my head¡ª"you would¡¯ve only enabled her to stay if nothing changed¡±. If the missing for her was anything remotely near to what I felt, she¡¯d have to realize the truth about my love for her was the solution to her unhappiness. A melancholy she didn¡¯t deserve to feel for the sake of others¡ªthey didn¡¯t know the truth of her pain. While I reeled in a black leather chair on a two Vicodin high, an unexpected visitor walked through the door. Not the one I hoped to see, but was thankful to see¡ªTheresa.

    She looked over at me then quickly walked past me without saying a word. Apparently, our last conversation didn¡¯t sit well with her, but I thought she¡¯d at least say hello to me. After reasoning she¡¯d say hi to me after grabbing her drink, she again strode past me and to her usual spot on the patio outside. Although I didn¡¯t think I deserved the silent treatment, I respected the way she felt.

    Burying my face inside my binder and back into the past of both hope and despair. The black bible of my creation was probably not the best way to heal my heart, but I just wasn¡¯t ready to let go. I still believed as much as I did for two years¡ªas crazy as that sounded. The truth lied in those pages¡ªall the answers I ever wanted were there. I just needed to know I had wronged her¡ªthat it was me who did this to us. That she was with Jackson against her will and because I pushed her to him. All I found were memories¡ªthe good, the bad, the downright grotesque. There were so many things I wish I could¡¯ve handled differently, but my heart was too vested in us and my emotions ran too deeply. Now here I was, the nurturer always seeking to nurture¡­even against nature.

    After fully immersing myself in the memories of her love for me, Theresa suddenly reappeared inside, walking right past me like I were a ghost yet again. After coming to the conclusion, she was upset with me, I focused on the contents of the binder while my Vicodin high numbed me to her indifference.

    ¡°So, are you just gonna ignore me?¡± a female voice asked, pulling me away from my solitude. ¡°Is that the way it¡¯s gonna be?¡±

    ¡°Theresa, you know where I sit¡ªyou just walked right past me as if I were a stranger.¡± I told her, trying to keep my voice down as a couple heads turned in our direction. ¡°You¡¯re the one choosing to ignore me.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re an ass.¡± she stated loudly, wagging a finger at me.

    ¡°I¡¯m sorry you feel that way.¡± I replied, keenly aware of the few people inside watching the weekend drama unfold. ¡°I was told that I need to stay away from unhealthy relationships, and that¡¯s what this has turned into. I also need to be around people who can give me objective opinions without ulterior motives¡ªso just continue ignoring me. I don¡¯t care.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m unhealthy for you? You¡¯re writing a book about a failed relationship and about a woman who doesn¡¯t love you.¡± she scoffed. ¡°You¡¯re wasting your life away believing she¡¯ll ever come back to you. That binder you cling onto for dear life is never goin¡¯ to help you¡ªit¡¯s only bringing you more pain. Remember, ¡°would you have left?¡± You may not like to hear it, but I¡¯m sorry I wasn¡¯t afraid to tell you the truth!¡±

    ¡°Weren¡¯t you leaving?¡± I politely asked, but feeling the fallout within me.

    ¡°No.¡± She announced. ¡°I¡¯m gonna stay.¡±

    ¡°I see.¡±

    After coming to the conclusion my dark day was not going to get any better, I nodded then flipped about five hundred pages over to close my binder. After rising from my chair, I tucked it under my right arm and saluted her goodbye. As I opened the door to leave, she tugged on my arm asking me not to. When I looked back, her blue eyes were no longer with her, morphing into a completely different person¡ªI couldn¡¯t tell the difference between the psychologist and the psychopaths she aimed to help. At this moment it seemed Theresa needed as much therapy as they did.

    ¡°Theresa? Please.¡± I told her as she tried to coax me back inside the asylum. ¡°This is ridiculous.¡±

    ¡°Why are you leaving?¡± she wondered.

    ¡°Because you make me feel uncomfortable.¡± I replied as she followed me outside.

    ¡°Why don¡¯t you like me?¡± she inquired, her blonde hair suddenly rivaling Doc¡¯s in ¡°Back to the Future¡±. ¡°Why don¡¯t you think I¡¯m pretty?¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s not about looks, Theresa.¡± I explained. ¡°I¡¯m in love with someone else.¡±

    ¡°Someone else who doesn¡¯t love you!¡± she retorted, grabbing my arm again. ¡°Someone who never truly did!¡±

    ¡°If you don¡¯t let go of me, I¡¯m gonna have to call the police.¡± I told her. ¡°You¡¯re acting crazy.¡±

    After removing her hands from my arm, she then began to sob, leaving me to wonder if this was all I ever did anymore¡ªmake women cry? Then again, I had fallen for this ploy one time before¡ªremembering how that same person¡¯s tears I cared enough for to dry, made fun of my own. My heart now cold after my experiences before I met Theresa. While nobody cared for me, did I really have to care for anyone anymore? I was too broken to care for another¡¯s sorrow other than my own. Theresa inflicted this pain on herself¡ªcaring for someone she knew was completely unavailable emotionally. Not only was it all spelled it out for her in a monstrous black binder, but spelled checked for her too. Theresa had no idea how truly shattered my heart was over Anya¡ªshe didn¡¯t know I needed Vicodin to cope with the pain. How I committed suicide every single day but there was no secret how sensitive I could still be, considering she claimed to go through it one time too. Her barrage of careless words about how Anya never really loved me could easily lead me to hike a bridge to end it all if Anya had never written me back. Yet, she could never understand the profound sadness I felt, even witnessing it most days in a caf¨¦, but expected her tears to weaken me to consider how I¡¯ve hurt her? Then again, what unfolded before me only proved what I always knew to be true¡ªmost women only threw themselves at jerks and assholes.

    ¡°I hope you can take this as constructive criticism, but you¡¯re finding out what I¡¯m beginning to learn¡ªyou need to work on you before you can work on other people.¡± I told her before turning away. ¡°Take care, Theresa.¡±

    With that final jab, Theresa turned away and stormed off back inside the caf¨¦. Walking back to my car, I hoped Anya wasn¡¯t anywhere near this dreadful scene¡ªknowing my luck, this would be the one time she would show. The more I hung out at the Good Morning Cafe, the more I learned the only time she ever came to this particular coffee shop was to meet with me. Leaving even more depressed than when I arrived and regardless of the way she made me feel, I hoped Theresa would be fine.

    After our falling out, Theresa thawed over time, but we never talked like we did up until I never saw her walk inside the caf¨¦ ever again. As much as she annoyed me with her attempted manipulations, I was thankful I met Theresa. She gave me some things to think about, even giving serious consideration to God, regardless of how I disagreed wholeheartedly with her. Her heart and soul were both in a better place than mine, and I was unable to hold anything against her even after she minimized my struggle. Meeting Theresa only left me wishing more than ever Anya would prove her wrong, and everyone else who didn¡¯t believe she ever truly loved me.

    By asking me, a person she knew was a bit of an atheist, to pray for someone, Theresa didn¡¯t respect my religious beliefs¡ªwhy I was averse to granting her request, and not because I didn¡¯t hope her friends would be fine. I¡¯m not saying I¡¯m even right¡ªI wish God were real, but he¡¯s given me nothing for my belief in him. If he brought Anya back into my life, maybe I could find a reason to believe in Him. If He could see the good in us being together, like I did, then I would believe in Him. But if he continued to show me the world revolves around money, and marriages full of broken promises that are kept alive just for the sake of appearances under the guise of morality, then I can¡¯t believe in Him. Anya and I should be together¡ªwe were made for eachother and the fact we¡¯re not and He even allows that, does not make any sense to me. I get it with Denise¡ªshe never showed me love, but Anya? I don¡¯t get to have the one who showed me more love than anyone ever has? Our love was the kind of love that brings people together forever, not tears them apart! If He exists, how could He ever allow that to happen? Jackson never deserved her for a single day, yet he¡¯s the one God gave her to? If it¡¯s not righteous down here on earth, then how could it ever be righteous in heaven? If God wanted me to trust His plan for me, to believe in Him, then why couldn¡¯t he give me this one simple thing? I wasn¡¯t asking for someone who could care less for me and had to suddenly spring to life with love for me. If God truly existed, allowing Anya and I to be together should be an easy test for Him to pass.

    Like everything I ever did in life, I put my entire heart and soul into loving Anya. And yes, I even questioned her form of love at times¡ªif it was as strong or on par as mine. Hell, I even questioned her intentions, feeling she misrepresented her situation to me by choosing to hide its serous depth. Putting my faith in she would leave if she fell in love with me, I only set myself up for the greatest heartbreak of a lifetime. Every day that passed, the black hole inside swallowed more of me each day¡ªtransporting me further from the light of tomorrow. This depression I used a drug to mask, took an incomprehensible toll on me, as nothing, not even my ambition or the fulfilling dreams I had before I met Anya, made an appearance to save me from myself. The Vicodin recreated the euphoria having Anya in my life gave me¡ªI couldn¡¯t get anything accomplished without it. If I lost this drug induced high, a little-known bridge would be my only savior. If people didn¡¯t believe in love anymore, it no longer made sense to remain here¡ªforever someone¡¯s burden; never anyone¡¯s hope. If Anya truly didn¡¯t love me, and my life was only about lying to myself to make it through the day, then there was nothing left to live for. This continuous broken record on a loop in my head only drove me further to the edge.

    When I came home to see Anya coming up again as a friend suggestion on Facebook, it inspired me after an eventful day at the caf¨¦. Refusing to believe Theresa was right, I made the decision to send Anya a gift on Mother¡¯s Day¡ªthe Jim Gaffigan ¡°King Baby¡± DVD. Bringing memories to when she arrived at my apartment in a sad mood¡ªshe wouldn¡¯t kiss me because of her cold sore. Anya told me about it three days before meeting, believing I would cancel on her, like her husband probably would have, but canceling was the furthest thing on my mind¡ªI needed her within arm¡¯s reach. On what would likely be an uneventful day, we watched this Jim Gaffigan DVD instead, laughing heartily hanging in my bed¡ªhaving one of the best days ever. Composing a letter to accompany the DVD seemed appropriate, my hands now moving across the keyboard with purpose.

    I waited to send this to you on Mother¡¯s Day because of what the day means. I know I gave you a hard time and I¡¯ve said some painfully harsh things. Like I mentioned in the previous letter I sent you, it was because I was afraid the love you felt for me was only real because it was a ¡°secret¡±. I always believed being in love with someone was black or white with no shades of gray, but those were the past relationships I¡¯ve been in. In those relationships each of them had the freedom to love me and they didn¡¯t even come close to loving me the right way¡ªthe way you loved me. I dreamt about our love before and everything about it¡ªminus the arguing. I know for a fact, you remove the situation from the equation and with all other things constant, we¡¯d last forever¡ªno question. There are no assumed roles with me¡ªwe¡¯re a team. Our love, us, and happiness would always be number one. It¡¯s why I stayed single for so long¡ªI knew it was out there for me. Now, I know the reason I never found it¡ªmy soulmate was in a marriage. Wait, this gets crazier! Just kidding! That¡¯s just how I feel about us and always will feel that way. If I end up dying alone, I can die knowing I¡¯ve found her¡ªnot too many people can say that. If I didn¡¯t love you or believe you weren¡¯t my soulmate, I would¡¯ve just said been fine with everything and never challenged you in anyway. I felt as your best friend, if I didn¡¯t challenge you, I was not acting like it. Of course, my heart was involved too, but it wasn¡¯t a ¡°be with me or die¡± kind of thing. When you¡¯re in love with someone who is love with you, and she/he is with someone who you know doesn¡¯t deserve them, it is extremely difficult to just stand on the sidelines¡ªyou want to get in the game no matter the cost. Listen, if I felt HE was a good husband and that he treated you the way you should be treated, I would¡¯ve walked away because I know that¡¯s where you should be. I could then tell myself ¡°He appreciates her and we all make mistakes in life.¡± I would feel comfortable walking away knowing that. But Anya, I know that¡¯s not the case because I know you. I know that heart of yours is too good to stray let alone fall deeply in love with someone else. I know everyone in the neighborhood, friends, family and co-workers see the tangible things. They see the cars, the house, the security but they don¡¯t see the things we do. We saw through the same pair of eyes and we always will.

    After reading the letter a few times, I reconsidered sending the gift on Mother¡¯s Day¡ªit might upstage the day with her kids. Maybe even putting a bad taste in her mouth if she believed our love betrayed them. I then thought of a better day, a more significant day. The one day that meant something to us; June second. Discarding the computer-generated letter, I handwrote a much shorter letter to her¡ªa far cry from the thirty-page behemoth I sent her six months earlier.

    Dearest Anya,

    I apologize if you have trouble reading this. This may look like a ransom note, but it¡¯s not. If I knew how to write in hieroglyphics, I would have¡ªit¡¯d be easier to read than my handwriting. Please forgive me, but this day will always have a special meaning to me. I included the comedy DVD by the comedian Jim Gaffigan, ¡°King Baby¡±. I think you¡¯ll remember him.

    I think about you often and I hope you¡¯re doing well. Take care.

    Love always,

    Me

    Along with the letter and CD, I also sent three rose petals, each one symbolizing the number of years we¡¯ve known each other¡ªJune second marked the day we met three years earlier. I double checked to make sure I sent the letter to the right address before putting it in the mail box. Although I hoped for a response, I would¡¯ve only wanted to hear from her if she loved me¡ªnot because she felt bad for me. The last thing I wanted to show her were any broken pieces of me, even if it¡¯s all I was. Most importantly I wanted her to know how this day still meant everything to me, even if it just meant a little something to her.

    After sending the package, my computer screen beckoned me to perform one more deed¡ªto answer Facebook¡¯s friend suggestion with a request to be friends. Before clicking the box, I reeled myself back in unable to do it. If Anya writes me back after my latest attempt and we started to make amends, then I would. It would be disrespectful not putting the ball in her court before sending her a friend request. Each letter I sent was essentially a friend request, but in another form. Exercising caution had to go into sending each letter as well. A part of me didn¡¯t feel right sending them to her¡ªher kids could get their hands on them, but I had to take a chance¡ªjust not too many of them. If she didn¡¯t respond to this letter, one clearly showing her how much I still cared for her, then it would have to be the last letter. She now knew enough, and even secure enough to know if she reached out to me, my arms would be open. Of course, I¡¯d continue writing her letters to deal with my feelings, but I was done mailing them unless I heard back from her.

    In the meantime, getting my life back in order remained my greatest struggle. After applying for a consulting job in the paper, they reached out to me and scheduled an interview. Imagining how the consulting job could springboard my business aspirations gave me an extra burst of unforeseen energy. When I was left to wait for a half hour after the scheduled interview time, I walked out of their lobby¡ªthey couldn¡¯t have had a real interest in hiring me. With an economy leaving many people for dead, it wasn¡¯t right for them to do that. That same evening, I hosted a meeting with ex co-workers to share our business ideas, hoping to generate a partnership or two. One of my ex-coworkers had a sister, a corporate lawyer, who had a specialty in setting up start-ups¡ªinforming us about the initial costs when you start a business and how each corporate structure worked. After she spoke, I took the floor¡ªtelling the group that our business ideas should yield the greatest intrinsic reward, and not just the greatest monetary reward. We had to first be passionate about the business without mainly considering the money it could provide us with. I wanted to help others be successful, but my only business experience came from being a CPA. My pitch to the group centered around what we all already knew¡ªto start a full-service audit, consulting and tax firm. Another friend wanted to start a joint venture capitalizing on the ¡°green¡± market by producing recycling service for major corporations who were trying to go paperless¡ªa great idea with real intrinsic value. Another ex-co-worker pitched an App idea and even had an engineer ready to design the product. Each business idea was so well thought-out and professionally presented, I couldn¡¯t believe they were being heard in my humble one-bedroom apartment. After meeting for just over four hours, we then decided to have weekly meetings to monitor and see how we could put the best business ideas into play. The more we collaborated, the more we could drive each other to be successful. The recession forced me to consider doing something entirely different from what I ever imagined¡ªto not work for someone else for the rest of my life. The recession taught me a very hard truth¡ªit was nearly an act of suicide to depend on someone else for income. I now came away with a new understanding to be successful¡ªto devote the next five years of my life working to build my own CPA practice, the surest way of shortening my timeline to another partnership.

    The very next day, as the Universe made an abrupt appearance, an unexpected phone call came my way.

    ¡°We¡¯re sorry we didn¡¯t get a chance to interview with you in person, but we love your experience.¡± The voice on the phone told me. ¡°The pay rate is thirty dollars an hour and we¡¯d like for you to start on Monday, if you¡¯re still interested.¡±

    ¡°I will see you on Monday.¡± I told them, relief washing over me.

    After eleven months of being out of work, I was finally back in the game as an independent consultant; technically my first client. The Company that hired me was a fairly large restaurant chain¡ªRomero¡¯s and were having cash issues. They hired me simply because of my auditing background¡ªwanting me to come in and investigate why there were having liquidity problems. The investigative and problem-solving nature of auditing was what intrigued me to make it a career choice. I hoped going back to work would help me with my depression, but my drug addiction issues weighed heavily on my mind¡ªit was too hard to quit. Diving back into accounting should help me keep my mind from thinking about my heartache, but what if it didn¡¯t and I failed? What I suffered from was more than just a broken heart but also a form of post traumatic stress syndrome. And how would I handle the stress when the job pushed me beyond my current mental limitations? Would I respond to the challenge or feel like a failure? I just hoped the new venture would not sink me further into despair. When I told my parents the news, they were both elated for me, but it broke my heart to be unable to share it with Anya too. After six months, this was as hard on me as the day we broke up.

    With five days before the start of the new gig, I headed to the Good Morning Caf¨¦ for likely the final time on a weekday. Breaking the news to Paul and Dave seemed to be one of the hardest things I¡¯ve had to do. With Dave always asking me if I needed any money, which I always turned down, this might give him some peace of mind. Every time he asked me if I needed money, it made me laugh¡ªI never took it personally. It seemed Dave was basically trying to have an impact on others. He hoped by giving me money, that maybe I¡¯d say something good about him when he passed, but he already won me over without giving me a dime. Dave changed since I started going to the caf¨¦¡ªhe had calmed down and didn¡¯t annoy the customers much anymore, opting for a more silent approach. I guess he saw how it worked with me¡ªsilent as a mouse. When I broke the news to them, Paul and Dave said they loved having me around the coffee shop, and that the afternoons wouldn¡¯t be the same without me. Looking back at my first days coming to the caf¨¦, I couldn¡¯t say it meant a lot to me, but it really did. It was funny how I hoped to run into Anya, never did, but in the end, it worked out the way it was supposed to. It felt like the universe brought Dave, Paul and even Theresa into my life to help me with the monster irreplaceable void Anya left. And although it was never enough to heal me, at least it seemed someone up there saw what I was going through¡ªthat I wasn¡¯t completely alone. Barney, who I just met a week earlier, even seemed to struggle with my near departure. Knowing my days were numbered at the caf¨¦, Barney opened up to me about his passion for art¡ªa big part of who he was, if not everything he was.

    ¡°I do things on a small scale.¡± he explained. ¡°I¡¯m a realist though¡ªI don¡¯t do abstract art of any kind. How long have you been writing?¡±

    ¡°Oh, I¡¯m not a writer.¡± I told him, surprised he even considered me on the same level. ¡°If you do art on a small scale, I do writing on a microscopic scale.¡±

    ¡°I brought something in I want you to see.¡± Saying with a smile before producing a book from a ragged tote bag.

    As he handed me the book, it looked like it was broken out of its glass case at a museum.

    ¡°This is impressive.¡± I replied, carefully turning each page. ¡°Are these all yours?¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s a collection of art work from artists, including myself.¡± he said. ¡°My work is on page one hundred sixteen.¡±

    Flipping directly to that page, it showcased a painting of a simple box that left me wholly unimpressed.

    ¡°Oh wow.¡± I exclaimed, not knowing how to react. ¡°It¡¯s a box.¡±

    ¡°I know it doesn¡¯t look like much, but there¡¯s a story behind it.¡± He defended. ¡°My mother gave it to me the day before she died from cancer¡ªwe never knew she was sick.¡±

    ¡°Oh wow.¡±

    ¡°She¡¯s had this Bullock¡¯s box since she was a little girl¡ªa gift from her father, my grandfather, and she wanted me to have it.¡± He said, his wild eyes staring into mine. ¡°He told her what she told me. Life is hard. Life is cruel. People will tear down your hopes and dreams, but don¡¯t let life box you in. Love without fear. Trust without reservations.¡±

    The story behind Barney¡¯s painting left me speechless¡ªhow a simple box contained so much inside of it.

    ¡°To be honest, I wasn¡¯t expecting that.¡± I confessed.

    ¡°It may look like a plain box to most, but there¡¯s always something more behind it¡ªthat¡¯s realism.¡± He spoke, showing me the passion behind his work, placing his finger on the inanimate object he painted. ¡°Like life, it looks mundane and boring, but this box is meant to be more than what only the eyes can see.¡±

    ¡°I didn¡¯t see all that coming from a box.¡±

    ¡°If you look closely, there¡¯s more detail in my painting¡ªthe colors and shadows create a mood. Even the structure of the box, as unspectacular as it appears, is anything but as I tried to tell the story in its construction.¡±

    ¡°I can see the intricate detail in the dull colors and shadings¡­even the lines.¡±

    ¡°I think a lot of people in this messed up world need a Bullock Box.¡± he said before taking the book from my hand and putting it back inside his tote bag. ¡°Too many people get boxed in and don¡¯t pursue their passions. They get boxed in by their fears. They don¡¯t even trust themselves¡ªlike all the dock workers in town. Sure, they make good money for not having a degree, but they never realize their full potential or use what God gave them¡ªall they do is celebrate mediocrity.¡±

    My greatest fear in life was to end up living a mediocre life and could never understand those who never pushed themselves to strive for more. Although I failed with Anya at the moment, I never let life box me in, pushing myself beyond my limits and even to the edge of self destruction. And although I lost my partnership promotion, my failure there also put me in a position to reach a greater potential¡ªbeing able to utilize all my gifts. This also didn¡¯t mean I wouldn¡¯t continue to struggle to not let life box me in¡ªmy mind was still my greatest tormentor.

    Barney told me he got his first job as an illustrator for medical books after he graduated from art school, but he wasn¡¯t passionate about it, giving it up after three years. Being a fanatic about the athletes drawn on the covers of Sports Illustrated, he chose to freelance instead¡ªpainting what he wanted to paint. He then went on a rant about television¡ªhow he never watches it because television shows today disgust him.

    ¡°Too many people are letting the things they see on television shape them¡± he shared, handing me a photograph. ¡°Instead of shaping the world, they are being shaped by another¡¯s perception of the world through a camera lens.¡±

    The photo, a section of someone¡¯s living room left me wondering about the bullock¡¯s box behind it. Sitting atop a brown circular coffee table were pink and white lilies in a vase while a crimson drape seemed to dance behind it from a draft of air through an open window. I didn¡¯t get much from the photograph other than Barney¡¯s art being replaced by a camera.

    ¡°Are you a photographer too?¡± I asked, handing the unspectacular print back to him.

    A huge smile suddenly broke upon his face before he howled with laughter. I knew he had to be a little crazy because of the company he kept at the cafe, but was still thrown off when he exhibited the same symptoms.

    ¡°That¡¯s not a photo.¡± He revealed, shaking his head.

    ¡°It¡¯s not?¡±

    ¡°No.¡± He said, handing me back the photo. ¡°It¡¯s one of my paintings.¡±

    After revealing the news to me, it clearly was not created from a camera, but by his own hand. The level of detail he put into his work was unworldly¡ªhe cared about its realism as much as I cared about Anya being real. This level of attention was an obsession¡ªone that would¡¯ve put anyone on the brink of insanity. Just like Barney¡¯s need for his painting to appear real, was all I ever became obsessed about with Anya. His painting made me realize she didn¡¯t need to love me if she didn¡¯t¡ªI just needed to know her love was real. I was every bit an artist in my relationship with Anya as Barney was¡ªtrying to drill into the details by challenging her to be honest with herself and therefore with me. It was nice to know someone as passionate about realism as I was.

    Before there were cameras, there were artists like Barney to show us what something looked like. Now, he was much like the purple dinosaur, the last of his kind. I saw a lot of myself through him¡ªan artist who didn¡¯t life box him in. I created without a brush though, refusing to let society dictate what I painted¡ªthe truth about themselves and their crude manipulation of morality. Barney was all heart¡ªwilling realism into his paintings. And I did the same, willing realism about Anya¡¯s love for me into existence. I needed her love to be real as much as his paintings had to be mistaken for photographs.

    ¡°How come no one in Torrance has ever heard of you?¡± I wondered, shaking my head in disbelief.

    ¡°They have.¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s just that you actually have your works in museums and even in books. I just don¡¯t understand why nobody has recognized you for your accomplishments on a grander scale.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m not looking for that.¡± he insisted. ¡°I paint because I love to.¡±

    ¡°Have you ever heard of Harbor City The Mag?¡± I asked, feeling more people needed to know of him. ¡°It comes out every month. They usually feature recently wedded couples from the area on the cover.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯ve seen it.¡± he said, nodding.

    ¡°I have a friend who writes for the magazine¡ªhe also takes the cover photos each month.¡± I told him, hoping he¡¯d be open to my wild notion. ¡°Would you be interested being featured in the magazine?¡±

    ¡°What do you mean?¡± His bushy wild eyes now burrowing into mine.

    ¡°Well, they¡¯d do an article about you and your work. You know¡­giving you some recognition for your accomplishments.¡± I sold. ¡°In my opinion, you¡¯re pretty much the town¡¯s treasure and no one really knows of your work.¡±

    ¡°Oh, that¡¯s awfully kind of you to say, but I wouldn¡¯t want a feature on me.¡± he countered, shaking his head. ¡°I wouldn¡¯t feel comfortable¡ªI¡¯m a very private guy.¡±

    ¡°I couldn¡¯t promise you that it would be written¡ªI¡¯d have to ask my friend. For all I know he has people lined up outside his door to be in the magazine.¡± I told him. ¡°It¡¯s hard to imagine he¡¯d turn the opportunity down if I presented it to him, but if you didn¡¯t want the publicity, I understand¡ªI wouldn¡¯t know if I¡¯d be comfortable either with something like that.¡±

    ¡°I appreciate the interest and consideration, but I don¡¯t want the publicity.¡± He reiterated. ¡°I enjoy being in the shadow of the unknown, and I¡¯d like to keep it that way.¡±

    ¡°Not a problem, Barney.¡± I nodded. ¡°I completely understand.¡±

    A few seconds after we finished this part of the conversation, Theresa suddenly appeared through the doors of the cafe. When she looked in my direction then quickly looked away before getting in line, Barney noticed and began speaking his mind.

    ¡°Dave and Paul are both crazy about her.¡± he informed me. ¡°She¡¯s pretty, but she¡¯s vanilla¡ªyou have to be careful with women today. Just look at Dave¡­one woman can ruin a man forever¡±

    ¡°Yeah.¡± I told him, thinking of Anya and about all the black binder contained.

    ¡°Dave used to be strong in stature, known him for years, but now he looks weak and much older.¡± He said, looking behind him at Theresa then back at me. ¡°That Theresa wants a young guy but she dresses like a mother of four¡ªshe¡¯s a total older guy type of woman.¡±

    Barney had to be in his early sixties along with Dave, and Paul who was in his seventies and yet they still yearned for the opposite sex. I always believed it was over by then, but they proved me wrong.

    ¡°I just came out of a relationship so I¡¯m not interested in dating anyone.¡± I exclaimed, subtly letting him know Theresa wasn¡¯t my type.

    ¡°She¡¯s got a pretty face, but there¡¯s something missing.¡± He turned around to study her yet again, shaking his head. ¡°It¡¯s like she¡¯s just there¡ªnothing attractive about her.¡±

    I nodded in agreement because Barney hit the nail on the head¡ªthere was nothing exciting about her that sparked an attraction. Just like for most people, beauty lied in the eyes of their beholders. And although we didn¡¯t find her attractive, Dave and Paul eyeballed her up and down like a Victoria Secret model. I tried to be as honest and fair with her as I possibly could, but every day was a battle for me¡ªstill reeling from heartache. No matter what I told her, it could never come out the right way¡ªmy emotions over Anya were too overwhelming to be anything less than brutally honest with Theresa.

    I went home that evening and did my usual nightly routine¡ªpopping a Vicodin then getting on the computer to seek relief from my mental anguish. When Anya didn¡¯t come up as a friend suggestion on Facebook, it made me sad, wiping away my hopeful thoughts. It seemed every single day prior she came up as not only a friend suggestion, but as my number one friend suggestion¡ªproviding me with a respite from the pain. But when I didn¡¯t see it on this night, it left me wholly disheartened, dulling the excitement on a consulting job that could kickstart my own CPA firm. Rising from my chair, I walked through an apartment¡ªevery step carrying a memory of her. Even such an insignificant area, like the five-foot entry way, carried a special memory with it. Standing there, I felt like the vase in Barney¡¯s painting¡ªfrozen in time. Anya still resided with me here, just not in a physical form anymore. The memories of her smile, her laughter, her scent, her warmth, and even her tears gave this place much more life than I could¡¯ve ever given it. My personal dwelling had become haunted ground; no longer a heaven on earth but rather a bastion for my despair. Where love once ruled, my apartment was now decorated in loneliness, destroying me from the inside out.

    After sending Anya the Jim Gaffigan DVD and short note, I thought I¡¯d hear back from her but only silence prevailed¡ªa harsh reminder of how Denise disappeared from my life the same way. After all the love we shared together¡ªafter opening myself up and being accepted in a way I never dreamed possible, it all appeared to be an illusion¡ªlike Barney¡¯s painting. When I realized this day was June twentieth, Jackson and Anya¡¯s anniversary, I felt removed from my body.

    After pacing back and forth as my imagination ran amok, I sat down in front of my computer and began striking at the keyboard vigorously to get my feelings out in front of me. Before visiting her profile on this night, I recalled how she didn¡¯t have any Facebook friends¡ªhow maybe that was a sign she was leaving Jackson. But when she didn¡¯t come up as a friend suggestion, it seemed Theresa was right¡ªshe was done with me. For the last week, seeing her come up as a friend suggestion made me believe she missed me as much as I missed her¡ªgiving me new life. If Anya couldn¡¯t help approaching me the night we met, then maybe she wouldn¡¯t be able to help herself from leaving Jackson to save our love? Now, I seemed to be living a life of delusion.

    While suffocating in the mud of my thoughts, the rain and wind whipped a wicked cacophony against my window. Minutes later, my apartment went completely dark. Deciding to sleep the power outage off until the dawn, I used the power of memory to light the way to my bedroom. Feeling around for and finding my Blackberry Phone on my dresser, I fell upon my bed with the phone¡¯s light shining on my face. Upon visiting my Facebook account once more, the universe decided to speak to me¡ªAnya had come up as my number one friend suggestion. As the sound of the rain and wind tried to haunt me in the midst of the darkest of nights, I shot a smile back into it.

 CHAPTER 27 ~ LIKE A DETUNED RADIO

    ¡°I¡¯m on a roll

    I¡¯m on a roll this time.

    I feel my luck could change.¡±

    ¡°Lucky¡± ~ Radiohead

    ¡°This article.¡± said Barney, as he approached me sitting in my usual black leather chair at the caf¨¦¡ªmy new consulting position pushed back a week. ¡°what kind of angle would it be?¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t know.¡± I told him, surprised he asked. ¡°I don¡¯t even know if my friend would write it, but I envision it being about how you became an artist, and where some of your work can be seen.¡±

    He looked at me pensively, rubbing his chin in quiet contemplation.

    ¡°I think I want to do the article.¡± he announced. ¡°I¡¯m having a piece of mine put on display at a new museum in Laguna Beach.¡±

    When he mentioned Laguna Beach, memories of the weekend I spent with Anya there filled me. How much fun it would¡¯ve been to visit a museum with her to see an artist¡¯s work¡ªone I personally knew. Everything that ever reminded me of her still got my heart pounding. Especially whenever she appeared as my number one friend request on Facebook, unable to give up on the dream.

    ¡°I¡¯ll reach out to my friend.¡± I promised, taking out a pen from my computer bag. ¡°Can I give him your number?¡±

    ¡°Sure. Sure. Treasure of the town.¡± He replied, reminding me of how I described him during my pitch. ¡°I like that.¡±

    ¡°I think you are¡ªnot too many people have accomplished as much as you have.¡± I assured. ¡°I think your work is worthy of more recognition, not just quietly put on display in a museum to be stumbled upon.¡±

    After giving me his phone number, he shook my hand, holding onto it for almost a full minute thanking me many times before letting go. His change of heart left me wondering why he turned it down in the first place¡ªit meant a lot to him. All I could promise Barney was that I¡¯d make my friend aware of him, but couldn¡¯t promise the article would be done. Compared to the usual crap featured, weddings that likely failed after a few years, my friend should jump at the chance to write it.

    I was not an artsy type person in any sense of the word¡ªonly an enthusiast of people who deserved recognition for their work. You could feel the walls in the room he painted. You could see his obsession for realism spring to life through his mere color choice. He achieved realism without the use of a photograph or camera but from a brush, yet he walked by people on the streets a stranger. Barney was a ¡°mad man¡±¡ªno sane person could do what he did. What made it even worse? He was a stranger to the world he embraced.

    After the excitement of landing work wore off, I worried about adjusting to a completely different life than the one I lived over the last eleven months¡ªwould my depression affect me? Even eleven months later I still found myself sleeping in late, not working out, and not eating right. Generally, not doing the things I needed to do to right the ship, but this vessel I commanded was at the bottom of the sea without preservation. Without hearing from Anya, a mental paralysis kicked in; an intense fear of making the wrong decision. As much as I still believed, even fighting with others about it, there were times when I felt forgotten, causing me to stay in bed or reach for a Vicodin to get me through it. Without Anya, I had to completely start from scratch, even reinvent myself at nearly forty years of age, and that likelihood overwhelmed me the louder her silence got. What if this anxiety paralyzed me when my consulting work became too stressful? Was I setting myself for failure if my mind wasn¡¯t together yet?

    Most nights I¡¯d hole myself up in my apartment, becoming a full-time hermit in a desperate attempt to sort out the mess in my head before going back to work. I felt bad for Anya¡¯s kids, more than I felt bad for myself¡ªI didn¡¯t fall in love with their mother to destroy their happiness. I went into our relationship thinking she would do whatever she could to make it work¡ªthat all she needed was someone to be there for her. Even eight months after departing, as lonely and as depressed I was, I still refused to accept we were through. She was the one who scolded me for not knowing a woman can change her mind in an instant. Why couldn¡¯t she change her mind now?

    Even my mother began to thaw, or maybe she just came to understand how much Anya meant to me. Or maybe, after she started losing her hair again, she had other things on her mind. On the fourth of July, I came over the house for dinner but never gazed at any of the fireworks that filled the skies above me. Knowing the fourth of July was Andrew¡¯s birthday, I knew Anya had a party to go to, deepening my sense of loss. I just couldn¡¯t get the scene at her home out of mind, imagining her surrounded by friends and family, providing proof of my PTSD¡ªthe Fourth of July never held this much weight upon me. Although I received invites from my friends, a single firework was now an emotional trigger as deadly as any gun to my head. While the fireworks danced without a worry in the sky, I opened up to my new closest friend.

    ¡°Do you remember the time Anya wrote me a letter to break up with me because she stumbled upon a letter written by her daughter?¡± I spoke. ¡°Detailing how she had a little bit of a nervous breakdown?¡±

    ¡°I remember.¡± My mother replied, sitting up on her bed clutching her remote control.

    ¡°I think about that a lot.¡± I added. ¡°I should¡¯ve broken up with her when she gave me the chance to¡ªshe even begged me to. I should¡¯ve just let her go.¡±

    ¡°Why didn¡¯t you?¡± She replied, looking at me in surprise.

    ¡°Because I felt her daughter¡¯s struggle was because of Anya¡¯s unhappiness with her marriage. I never stopped her from not being there for her daughter¡ªher husband¡¯s emotional and mental abuse was the reason.¡± I explained. ¡°I thought if she were with me, she could truly be there for Katie. Was I wrong for thinking that way?¡±

    ¡°No, I think you were right¡ªit didn¡¯t make sense to punish you. Her marriage was the reason her daughter struggled.¡± She shockingly agreed with me. ¡°She wasn¡¯t there for her daughter because of the unhappiness in the marriage, not because she was in love with you.¡±

    ¡°It kills me she¡¯s still with him. I die a little more inside on days like these.¡± I continued, shaking my head before standing up from my mother¡¯s worn pink recliner. ¡°It¡¯s just so hard for me to believe let alone ever accept¡ªthat she¡¯d consider working on the marriage after all we shared.¡±

    ¡°She probably doesn¡¯t wanna work on her marriage¡ªher life has to be absolutely miserable¡± She reasoned, appearing startled when I rose from my seat. ¡°He¡¯s probably hitting her with more things than ever before.¡±

    ¡°As upset as I get about things at times, I¡¯m not rooting for her misery. As much as I want her to feel what she¡¯s left me with, it¡¯s not about revenge for me¡ªI love her.¡± I said, now pacing the room. ¡°I just wish she¡¯d leave him, just to show me that she had every intention to do that before agreeing to give her a chance at happiness. To give me the peace of mind that she didn¡¯t use me or waste my time¡ªeven if she ended up with someone else. I need to know she was real.¡±

    ¡°It was real, Honey.¡± she said, concerned. ¡°It happened.¡±

    My mother, without a single hair left on her head, smiled without my selfish misery being able to produce the same in return. Being her son, she was completely biased and likely reluctantly saw my side of things. She also knew though if she told me Anya still loved me, I¡¯d wait forever, but little did she know, I was already prepared to¡ªtoo damaged to love anyone else.

    ¡°Yeah.¡± I told her, unable to see the reality Barney produced so easily in his paintings.

    ¡°And besides, isn¡¯t she holding on to the necklace you gave her?¡± She reminded me. ¡°I¡¯m sure she has other nice jewelry so she could part with it.¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s true.¡±

    ¡°It must mean somethin¡¯ to her.¡± She added, grabbing her remote control to change the channels. ¡°And if she didn¡¯t love you, trust me honey, she would¡¯ve never written you back.¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s not like she wrote me back to tell me she still loved me.¡±

    ¡°She didn¡¯t have to tell you ¡°I love you¡±¡ªshe proved it by writing you back.¡± She shot back at my negativity. ¡°And why would she not still love you? You were there for her in every way her husband never was.¡±

    On an extremely difficult day, as a hurricane of negativity stirred inside, my mother¡¯s words soothed my scalding thoughts.

    ¡°Landy, I¡¯m sorry if I¡¯ve said anything to make you feel like her love wasn¡¯t real.¡±

    ¡°I know it was coming from a good place, Mom.¡± I told her, shaking my head to let her know she didn¡¯t have to apologize for anything.

    I started to notice that whenever my mother and I disagreed lately, she would apologize, even calling me up to do so¡ªsomething she¡¯s never done before. She must¡¯ve feared the direct correlation with the increased need for Vicodin and my depression believing Anya¡¯s love was never real caused. Sadly, I couldn¡¯t tell if my mother truly believed Anya still loved me or was just worried about me destroying my life¡ªas if Cancer didn¡¯t give her enough things to worry about.

    After surviving the Fourth of July, I frequented the Good Morning Caf¨¦ hoping to run into Anya before starting my new job¡ªfeeling it was the last chance to run into her there. Each time though, if he wasn¡¯t already there, Barney was the one I¡¯d see. When Dave called him a mad man, no truer words could¡¯ve been spoken¡ªBarney had become obsessed with the article. I guess I should¡¯ve seen it coming from the mind of a true artist, but he also wanted something beyond the article; the one thing I should¡¯ve seen coming but failed to.

    ¡°I was thinking¡­actually, hoping.¡± he told me with wild green eyes.

    ¡°Oh, what¡¯s that?¡±

    ¡°That you¡¯d write the article.¡±

    ¡°Oh. I don¡¯t know¡­my friend is a far better writer than I am.¡± I reasoned as anxiety washed over me. ¡°Plus, he¡¯s responsible for the photo spread¡ªit¡¯s his magazine.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m afraid the things I¡¯m tellin¡¯ you will only get lost in translation.¡± He explained, trying to build his case. ¡°You¡¯ve not only took in what I¡¯ve told you but you¡¯ve also appreciated it¡ªthat¡¯s hard to find. I¡¯ve already expended a lot of time and energy sharing my work with you. I¡¯d feel more comfortable if you wrote the article.¡±

    As Barney¡¯s wild eyebrows furrowed with trepidation, fearing the essence of his work, and even who he was being forever misinterpreted, it left me feeling the same.

    ¡°I¡¯ll write it.¡± I told him.

    ¡°Fantastic!¡± He replied, his fear replaced by relief.

    ¡°I¡¯m starting a new job next week, so it¡¯ll take some time to put together. ¡°I advised. ¡°I still have to convince my friend to do the feature so I can¡¯t promise anything other than writing the article.¡±

    ¡°I understand.¡± He said, nodding. ¡°Thank you.¡±

    ¡°My pleasure.¡±

    ¡°I would like you to do a couple of things for me.¡±

    Uh-Oh. Here it comes. I thought.

    ¡°Please look at the painting ¡°The Girl with the Pearl Earring. It¡¯s a portrait of a woman with a pearl earring by Vermeer.¡±

    ¡°Will do.¡± I replied, trying not to laugh at Barney¡¯s lack of faith in my ability to imagine what the painting likely looked like.

    ¡°It¡¯s where I drew my art¡¯s inspiration from.¡± He elaborated, smiling. ¡°It¡¯s also a pretty good movie that came out about five years ago.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯ll be sure to check it out.¡±

    ¡°I also need you to call someone¡ªthe man¡¯s name is Sal Chinchilla. He¡¯ll give you a valuable third-party perspective.¡± He instructed while scribbling his name and phone number on a napkin before handing it to me. ¡°He¡¯ll vouch for the greatness of my work.¡±

    ¡°Okay, thanks.¡± I replied, reluctantly receiving the napkin.

    ¡°We¡¯ll drive you out to see my work in Beverly Hills. I have a painting displayed at a Jewish Temple there.¡±

    ¡°Can we do it on the weekend?¡± I asked him, fearing this article was morphing into a special on the show Sixty Minutes.

    ¡°Unfortunately, it¡¯s closed on the weekend.¡± He answered with a frantic tone. ¡°How bout¡¯ this Friday?¡±

    Spending my last day of freedom with Sal and Barney before starting work again wasn¡¯t what I had in mind. I promised Barney I¡¯d write the article but didn¡¯t realize all the extra work involved.

    ¡°This Friday it is.¡± I caved.

    ¡°I know you¡¯ll enjoy it. I can see that you appreciate the art.¡±

    ¡°I do¡ªeven my mom couldn¡¯t believe your painting wasn¡¯t a photo.¡±

    ¡°She thought it was a photo, too?¡± he laughed. ¡°You showed it to her?¡±

    ¡°Of course¡ªit¡¯s why I think you should be featured in the magazine.¡±

    As giddiness gave his eyes life, his smile was unable to hide how that made him feel. I felt the same way Barney did often these days¡ªa little madness inside. We used the passion that fueled our madness in productive ways, even at times it came from a negative place.

    Planning to call Sal Chinchilla the following day, it seemed Barney wanted to speed up the process¡ªSal contacted me first leaving me a voice mail. After raving about Barney¡¯s accomplishments in a three-minute message, he called me the following day to add to it. When his third call in thirty-six hours came, I quickly picked up the phone to ensure the long voice mails ceased.

    ¡°Hi, this is Landyn.¡±

    ¡°Landyn. Sal Chinchilla here.¡± His raspy voice announced. ¡°Barney¡¯s friend.¡±

    ¡°Yes, nice to meet you, Sal. How are you?¡±

    ¡°Excellent. Excellent. I heard you¡¯re writing an article on Barney and I wanted to give you a little insight into who he is.¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s correct, Sal.¡± I confirmed. ¡°I figured I could get some info from¡­¡±

    ¡°Barney¡¯s a ladies¡¯ man.¡± he cut me off. ¡°Him and I both have done very well with the ladies. We¡¯ve have had some crazy nights.¡±

    ¡°Well, to be frank¡­the article isn¡¯t about Barney¡¯s virility.¡± I told him. ¡°Not trying to take anything away from you guys¡ªI¡¯m sure you both do well with the ladies. This article is only about his art and what inspires him to paint.¡±

    ¡°Oh.¡± he said, sounding disappointed. ¡°Well, maybe you can find a place for it at the end or something¡­you know, after all it¡¯s the artist lifestyle that mainly inspires his work.¡±

    ¡°Maybe I can work it in somehow.¡± I replied, not knowing how to fit their libidos in the article.

    Now everything made perfect sense, why Barney changed his mind about being the center of attention¡ªSal thought it would be a great way to meet ladies. After informing Sal that Barney would be featured in a small-scale magazine and not People, I also had to disclaim there was no guarantee his friend would be featured at all. Undeterred, he agreed to meet me at the coffee shop on Friday morning at ten then have Barney drive us to the Temple in Beverly Hills.

    Upon arriving at the caf¨¦ that Friday morning, I heard a loud voice call my name from behind a newspaper.

    ¡°Hey, where¡¯s Vermeer at?¡± Barked Dave.

    ¡°He¡¯s on his way.¡± I told him, shaking my head knowing this is going to cost me half of my last day of freedom. ¡°Did he tell you we¡¯re headed to check out one of his paintings in Beverly Hills?¡±

    ¡°What do you think?¡± replied Paul, shaking his head too. ¡°He told everyone within earshot.¡±

    ¡°He¡¯s a HOT head!¡± Yelled Dave, rustling the newspaper. ¡°ALL artists are!¡±

    Remembering the many times Barney bared down upon me with wild eyes passionately describing his work left me unable to disagree with Dave¡¯s jab.

    ¡°His head is over a hundred degrees.¡± Paul supported. ¡°Celsius!¡±

    ¡°What a HOT HEAD!¡± blared Dave. ¡°Vermeer is FULL of himself!¡±

    ¡°Duly noted.¡± I acknowledged, finding it ironic one hothead calling out another.

    When ¡°Vermeer¡± did arrive, he strode up to me and vigorously shook my hand.

    ¡°You¡¯re in for a treat¡ªan absolute treat.¡± he exclaimed, tightening his grip. ¡°You should know I don¡¯t usually take people to see my work¡ªanything for the article though.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m lookin¡¯ forward to it.¡± I replied, hoping he¡¯d soon release my hand from his grip.

    ¡°Sal should be here any minute and then we¡¯ll leave. You talked to Sal, right?¡±

    ¡°I did.¡± I affirmed, knowing Sal had to have told him we talked.

    ¡°Sal will tell you all about me. He may know me better than I even know myself!¡± Chuckled Barney before letting go of my hand. ¡°I¡¯m kidding of course, but he¡¯s a walking encyclopedia that guy. He remembers a ton of things I¡¯ve completely forgotten about. He¡¯s a helluva resource to have.¡±

    ¡°He sounded like it.¡± I nodded.

    ¡°Oh, speak of the devil and he appears! Fashionably late as always.¡±

    Sal wore a dulled rainbow beret with a beige sweater and baggy tan khakis a golfer from the twenties would¡¯ve worn. He was diminutive, standing no more than five inches beyond five feet, clean shaven with brown eyes and skin.

    ¡°Sal, this is Landyn.¡± he introduced, Sal¡¯s hand extending out to me. ¡°Landyn¡­Sal Chinchilla.¡±

    ¡°Pleasure to meet you, Landyn!¡± He addressed me excitedly; my shoulder nearly being pulled out of its socket by his lively handshake. ¡°Oh boy! You¡¯re in for a real surprise!¡±

    ¡°Nice to meet you too.¡± I told him, grateful his handshake was much shorter than Barney¡¯s.

    After greeting Sal, I saw Dave¡¯s face sticking out from behind his newspaper, his lips quietly moving to the tune of ¡°what the fuck¡± upon witnessing our introduction. At that point, it was only a matter of simple deductive reasoning¡ªthis was Sal¡¯s maiden visit to the preferred coffee shop of the mentally insane. The only thing missing in this place was Nurse Ratched. Before heading out, Barney briefly acknowledged Dave, but he soon took it upon himself to bid us farewell.

    ¡°Have a great time! Be safe!¡± Yelled Dave as we stood by the caf¨¦¡¯s doors to exit. ¡°Vermeer! Everyone! The REAL deal! The Girl AND the Pearl Earring!¡±

    Believing Dave''s insult likened the girl to be Barney and her pearl earring to be Sal, I did my best to hold in my laughter. Barney just shook his head before exiting but before opening the door to his red Nissan Sentra, he turned to face me.

    ¡°First off, it¡¯s not ¡°and¡± it¡¯s ¡°with¡± the pearl earring.¡± he stated, his eyes afire. ¡°Ha! He mocks me with his Vermeer, but you¡¯ll see my work today then understand.¡±

    ¡°He¡¯s like that with everyone.¡± I told Barney, putting my hand on his shoulder.

    ¡°He¡¯s just mad no one wants to write an article about him.¡± Piped Sal.

    As Barney insisted I ride shotgun, Sal eagerly jumped into the backseat. Before sitting, Barney threw the water bottles and newspapers off the passenger seat to the vacant back seat next to Sal. When I heard the engine start, I took out a pen and notepad in preparation of gathering important information for the article.

    ¡°So how long has your work been in this particular museum?¡± I asked when we got on the freeway.

    ¡°Two years now.¡± Barney told me.

    ¡°Three, actually.¡± Corrected Sal, poking his head in between us.

    ¡°Really? Are you sure? It¡¯s been three years?¡± wondered Barney, looking back for a second before returning his eyes back on the road.

    ¡°It went on display the same day we picked up those broads on Christmas eve two thousand six! Remember, Barno?¡±

    ¡°Oh yeah, you¡¯re right!¡± he recalled, grinning with a sense of pride. ¡°See, this is why I brought Sal¡ªhe remembers everything!¡±

    Not only did I laugh in acknowledgement, but it also seemed the only thing fueling Sal¡¯s memory was his testosterone.

    ¡°What¡¯s your story Landyn?¡± asked Barney. ¡°Did you ever hear back from your ex?¡±

    ¡°Oh.¡± Struggling to speak, caught off guard by his inquiry. ¡°Not yet¡ªhopefully one day.¡±

    ¡°What chick is this?¡± Sal asked, his eyes widening. ¡°Is she hot?¡±

    ¡°My ex-girlfriend.¡± I said, bringing him into the loop. ¡°She¡¯s definitely hot, but she¡¯s more on the beautiful side to me.¡±

    ¡°Is she ¡®The Girl with the Pearl Earring¡¯ beautiful?¡± asked Barney.

    ¡°Without a doubt.¡± I told him knowing I didn¡¯t have to see a beautiful painting to know pure beauty when I saw it.

    ¡°I remember the first time I ate out a broad.¡± broke Sal, his raspy voice sounding like he had a voicebox. ¡°Oh Barno, it was a beautiful thing. She was ¡®Girl with the Pearl Earring¡¯ beautiful too.¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s beautiful.¡± said Barney, wistfully.

    ¡°I think I gave her a matching pearl necklace too that night! Wah Hah!¡± Sal announced.

    I laughed Sal off but he reminded me of Jackson¡ªanother man who never deserved to be in the company of a beautiful woman. Whenever I heard stories from men about their sexual conquest it made me cringe because of all the pain loving someone deeply had caused me. Or maybe I was jealous I couldn¡¯t discard someone so easily the way Sal could. After all this was the mentality of an artist¡ªconfusing lust with love. My idea of love wasn¡¯t jumping from partner to partner then divulging details of each relationship with them. I couldn¡¯t deny though it sure would¡¯ve been entertaining to hear the ¡®broad¡¯s¡¯ side of the experience. Unable to help myself, I upped the ante on my story to see Sal¡¯s reaction.

    ¡°I wish my ex could join us¡ªshe was so much fun.¡± I spoke. ¡°She definitely would¡¯ve joined us to the Temple in Beverly Hills¡ªshe married a Jewish man.¡±

    ¡°Was she married when you dated her?¡± Inquired Sal.Did you know this text is from a different site? Read the official version to support the creator.

    ¡°Oh, no. She was married to a Jewish man before we met.¡± I lied, afraid to inspire more tales of his sexual conquests. ¡°She would¡¯ve really enjoyed going to a museum with the actual artist whose work we¡¯re going to look at.¡±

    ¡°You said she married a Jewish man?¡± Sal asked.

    ¡°Yes, but before we dated.¡±

    ¡°Jewish husbands are pricks.¡± Stated Sal, pulling on the back of my chair. ¡°I could see why she left him¡ªthey treat their wives horribly.¡±

    ¡°I couldn¡¯t say that all because he¡¯s Jewish.¡± I told him to prevent a Hitler type rant. ¡°But he definitely abused her emotionally.¡±

    ¡°He cheat on her?¡± Wondered Sal, drawing his face closer to mine.

    ¡°Yep.¡± I told him, pulling back.

    ¡°Doesn¡¯t surprise me. The Jewish men I know thinks their shit smells like the finest cologne.¡±

    I definitely couldn¡¯t agree with him that Jackson¡¯s ego had anything to do with his religion, but his description gave me a new appreciation for Sal.

    ¡°He definitely had a high opinion of himself. She ended up leaving him eventually.¡±

    ¡°Good for her.¡± said Sal.

    While sitting in Barney¡¯s car and lying about my past relationship, my depression seeped in from out of nowhere¡ªhow could she have chosen to marry a man like Jackson? Even making the choice to stay after having me in her life? On afternoons just like this one, Anya visited and we¡¯d be in bed together¡ªjust so in love. On this particular afternoon, I found myself in a Nissan Sentra with essentially two different versions of Mitch¡ªmissing her like always, but feeling it more acutely than ever. As cars passed us on the freeway, my eyes searched for her license plate, hoping for just a single sign of hope. The more cars drove by, the more alone I felt even in the company of two¡ªthe reality of her conscious decision hitting me like a nuclear bomb until mercifully arriving at the Temple.

    Upon our entry into the white shrine, Barney introduced himself to a white-haired wiry elderly lady at the front desk, explaining the reason for our visit. She stared at him blankly, as if this wasn¡¯t the first time he¡¯s made an unannounced visit, before leaving us for a moment. After a minute passed, she returned with a tall black bearded gentleman wearing a yarmulke who granted us access behind the front desk. As we made our way down a dimly lit hallway, Barney talked highly of his painting, giving us the impression of a large valuable piece requiring around the clock armed security. Fifteen steps later, we abruptly stopped in front of the only painting on the corridor¡¯s wall. One would¡¯ve thought we just arrived at the Sistine Chapel instead of the eight by ten painting in front of us. As Barney continued to rave about his work, the gentleman rolled his eyes before abandoning us.

    ¡°There she is.¡± Exclaimed Barney, outstretching his arms. ¡°Isn¡¯t she beautiful?¡±

    ¡°My God. She sure is.¡± beamed Sal.

    I nodded my head sensing there had to be someone filming us¡ªthis had to be a prank. Barney allowed me to come all the way out here with them for this? This was the museum piece?

    ¡°What is this?¡± I asked, looking at the painting then back at Barney.

    ¡°It¡¯s the city of Jerusalem.¡± he told me, keeping his eyes on the painting the way I looked at Anya.

    ¡°I meant where¡¯s your work?¡±

    ¡°Why this is it right here!¡± he announced, laughing along with Sal. ¡°It¡¯s a painting of the City of Jerusalem.¡±

    ¡°Oh.¡± I said, hoping he¡¯d sense the disappointment in my tone.

    ¡°I like how I did that.¡± Barney stated, pointing at the painting. ¡°That part of the wall right there.¡±

    ¡°Brilliant.¡± said Sal, rubbing his chin while taking it in. ¡°Just brilliant.¡±

    While trying to study it the same way they did, I quickly sensed they both waited for a comment from me.

    ¡°What made you choose to paint the city of Jerusalem?¡± I wondered. ¡°Are you Jewish?¡±

    ¡°Oh no.¡± he softly chuckled. ¡°It¡¯s God¡¯s city¡ªsomething I just had to paint. Oh¡­I just noticed something. See that, Landyn?¡±

    ¡°See what?¡±

    ¡°See how the shadows lay upon the wall.¡±

    ¡°Yes.¡± I replied not knowing the significance.

    Barney just nodded, rubbing his chin unable to provide any clarification.

    ¡°Brilliant, Barno.¡± Chimed Sal. ¡°Absolutely brilliant.¡±

    I hated to even think it, but there was better artwork displayed in a dentist office. There was no way the Temple would allow this on their wall without a monthly donation. Out of respect for Barney though, I took a closer look at the painting before asking if he had other paintings displayed elsewhere. He led me to believe his art was displayed in an actual museum, not in a hidden hallway behind the front desk at a Jewish temple. It appeared Dave was right about him; Barney was bonkers.

    Taking Barney¡¯s shadows remark, I focused on the details in the painting rather than the unremarkable nature of the painting as a whole. Utilizing this different approach, I began to communicate to them what I saw in hopes of salvaging my last day of freedom.

    ¡°Your painting not only shows the sky is blue, but you can feel the air around you as well¡ªwhere it¡¯s warm and where it¡¯s cool.¡± I told him. ¡°I can see the sky without actually looking at it.¡±

    ¡°How is that?¡± Asked Barney, his bushy eyebrows furrowing.

    ¡°How it shines on the wall. How its shadows fill the marketplace.¡± I clarified. ¡°How you can feel that remarkable subtlety.¡±

    A smile broke upon Barney¡¯s face as Sal shook his head.

    ¡°No one¡¯s ever seen that in my painting before.¡± Announced Barney, smiling broadly.

    ¡°That¡¯s a first.¡± nodded Sal.

    ¡°The picture is small in scale but bountiful¡ªso much in so little. Its man-made foundations with god like intentions¡ªa higher source allowed you to paint this. Life itself flourishes within it.¡± I said, speaking the article into existence. ¡°The painting is not just meant to be seen, but to be inhaled and exhaled. It¡¯s constantly moving, breathing.¡±

    ¡°How so?¡± Urged Barney.

    ¡°You can hear the leaves on the trees rustling, and even see the air lifting the dirt off the ground. This picture may appear to be still, but no, it¡¯s alive.¡± I coaxed, feeding the ego of the starving artist while pointing out my references with a finger. ¡°You¡¯re so obsessed with capturing realism in this work, that you don¡¯t realize with every stroke your passion for realism grabs people by their jugular. Your painting is not merely a portrait of the City of Jerusalem, but a passionate rendering of life itself¡ªit¡¯s magnificent.¡±

    Barney listened intently while peering into his painting with even more vigor and precision than when we arrived. He then looked over at Sal for some kind of feedback.

    ¡°He gets it.¡± Sal broke.

    ¡°More than anyone else has.¡± Stated Barney.

    ¡°You¡¯ve never looked at art before, Landyn?¡± asked Sal.

    ¡°This is a first for me.¡±

    Sure, the nurturer in me embellished a little, but he worked too hard for his work to be simply disregarded. He deserved to feel a great source of pride for something that even left me laughing at first, the same way Dave mockingly branded him as Vermeer before we left the caf¨¦. It didn¡¯t seem Barney had many genuine ¡°feel good¡± moments in his life. The feeling of being called a failure struck a power chord within me; especially remembering when he shared how his family looked upon him as a failure when he quit being a medical book illustrator. After viewing his painting, I knew why he chose to freelance¡ªhe refused to celebrate mediocrity. We were brought into this world to be creators, and to be ultimately destroyed by what we construct to be born again through reconstruction. Leaving the Temple there was no doubt in my mind I was in the presence on this day of a true creator¡ªa mad man indeed.

    I went home that night inspired to write the article and work on my novel, although the Vicodin might have had something to do with sparking my creative spirit. Like Barney, realism was an obsession of mine as well and Anya staying with Jackson epitomized the lie of life. It wasn¡¯t about her being with me or not¡ªif she loved someone else, my love for her was strong enough to let her do what made her the happiest. Her happiness was the only reason I chose to be with her and to fight for her. She led me to believe many times over our love is what made her the happiest¡ªshe couldn¡¯t fool me. I loved Anya a lot more than I could¡¯ve ever loved myself. There was no denying though, for her to still be with Jackson destroyed my soul because that reality stole away all the love she ever gave me. Believing in the reality of our love was the only thing getting me through my days. Without that, not even all the Vicodin in the world could save me from my end. The longer she stayed with Jackson, the more what we shared wasn¡¯t real¡ªonly existing because it remained a secret and a love on the terms of only one, not two. Now even eight months later, Anya was still the first thing on my mind when I woke up in the morning and the last thing on my mind before falling asleep, even dreaming of her more times than I can count. I missed her just as much as I ever missed her, holding onto hope that she still loved me enough to reach out one day. Regardless of what everyone else said or tried to get me to believe. I could never accept she used me. I could never accept she loved me only when she could get away with it. And could never accept she would¡¯ve ever dared to disrespect a loyal, faithful and loving man¡ªnot after all she went through with Jackson.

    The only real thing nowadays was the pain, overbearing enough at times to leave my apartment to embark on a lonely drive to nowhere in particular, surrounded by too many memories. Things that made me feel special, even safe, now haunted me like a poltergeist. She could never know how deeply this struggle was, slowly killing myself each and every day. I had already made her feel too responsible for this and writing her another letter wasn¡¯t the answer anymore. After writing her twice and hearing nothing back was something I had to respect regardless of the anguish it brought me. Leaving things, the way they were now, made the most sense. Her last memory of me had to be a fond one so if she did leave, she could find safety in knowing the strength of my feelings for her still existed. After sending me her daughter¡¯s essay, she told me if she ever left that she would run to me¡ªI didn¡¯t want to ruin that if the chance still existed.

    A change of scenery was desperately needed, my loneliness becoming more severe as time passed. Even the gym left me feeling uneasy, my motivation to be healthy dying along with my soul. There were times I¡¯d drive out to the gym only to end up never leaving my car, afraid of what I would feel once inside. Sometimes I felt so removed from the world, I¡¯d sweat from anxiety and not the actual workout itself. Headaches and bouts of indigestion became normal, but both never deterred me from using the drug likely causing them. There were also times when the despair became so great that real thoughts of ending my misery filled my head¡ªeven leading me to wonder what the best time was to scale the bridge so no one would make a fuss about it. How someone would see my car on the bridge and just call a tow truck. There was only one thing that stopped me¡ªnot the hope Anya still loved me, but the one who told me my life belongs to God¡ªmy mother. My fear of her suffering was the only thing keeping me from relieving mine.

    On this particular night, Google informed me that Anya had run a half marathon in Palos Verdes earlier this year. I¡¯m sure this flew over Jackson¡¯s head, but this was of great significance¡ªit gave her a reason to visit Abalone Cove, our beach. She wanted her ashes to be strewn where our beach met the sea¡ªto commemorate her undying love for me. No doubt she did this particular run with Carolyn and Debbie to show them our little heaven on earth¡ªa day I¡¯ll never forget. When I told Anya it would only confuse her kids, she told me she didn¡¯t care. A side of her I rarely saw in two years. Her silence though made me doubt she wanted her ashes there anymore¡ªI just couldn¡¯t foresee Debbie and Carolyn driving to our beach with Anya¡¯s urn with them. I¡¯m sure her kids and family would have something to say about that ever happening anyway. It was a beautiful thought though and the fact she even ran the Palos Verdes marathon gave me hope she still felt love for me too.

    I had a lot of reasons why I believed Anya still loved me regardless of this discovery¡ªrefusing to let go even as others believed I should. The Universe had a reason for bringing Barney and even Sal Chinchilla into my life¡ªto help me deal with the outside interference. Like Theresa, when I first saw Barney¡¯s painting alone on an empty wall, the first thing I did was judge him. Even mocking him¡ªthe painting had no value in my eyes. But, when the depth of the painting came into focus, my vision sharpened. That was the problem with the outside running interference, wanting me to let Anya go as if she never meant a thing. Theresa, Mitch, even my own mother, never saw the depth¡ªonly seeing the sky but never feeling the air. If they looked closer, feeling the air and the coolness the shadows brought, they would understand why it was impossible to let her go. Why I held onto hope even as there appeared to be none.

    There were many reasons why it was hard to believe she didn¡¯t love me. After my letter to her, there were no more pictures of him and her together on Facebook. And the only one remaining, a picture on their company website was taken the same day she came to decipher ¡°Toda Una Vida¡± to me. How could I ever believe a woman who didn¡¯t love me deeply would whisper those words to me with our lips an inch or two apart? Even Katie never posted another profile pic of them together on Facebook after mentioning it in my letter¡ªa sign she respected the anguish I felt upon seeing that. I needed all the empathy in the world and she lovingly gave it to me, even writing me back to tell me my letter meant a lot to her. She even sent the letter inside an envelope to remind me of her favorite color¡ªas if I could ever forget. The Abalone Cove inspired stationary it was handwritten on said it all¡ªshe had every intention of keeping her promise. Imagining while living a hectic life, she took some time to find stationary reflecting our beach made feel both happiness and sadness. Responding to my letter the way she did, a reflection of her beauty, after sending it to her home was the surest sign yet she would never resolve her anger and do things behind Jackson¡¯s back if she had to. And by far and away, the greatest reason why I still believed she loved me was indisputable¡ªshe still held onto the necklace I gave her. The ¡°thingie¡±¡ªthe only piece of jewelry I¡¯ve ever gotten for a woman. If Anya could be certain about one thing in life, it was that she would hold that title forever.

    The outside interference could easily question why she hadn¡¯t written me back after I sent her the music CD, but her son¡¯s bat mitzvah was at this time. She had to keep her head in the game and likely feared doing anything to ruin this time for her son¡ªit would be safer to run into me at the bookstore instead of writing me back. She could¡¯ve easily returned the CD back to me, especially when the first song on the CD was ¡°Love Will Keep Us Alive¡± by the Scorpions¡ªa tune she had to know showed how I still felt about her. Anya was also entering the second year with Andrew being on the same baseball team as the son of the woman that Jackson cheated on her with¡ªa reminder of the peace and joy stolen during her second pregnancy. With these circumstances surrounding her, it gave me hope the Universe was cooking up something I could smell but couldn¡¯t taste yet.

    Anya told me she would never resolve her anger and if Jackson knew the truth, he would tell her they were even now, forcing her to work on her marriage. But, if she refused to resolve her anger, how could this not create a larger rift between them? My mother believed she didn¡¯t want to work on her marriage, giving me hope we would find each other again. There also undoubtedly remained a chance Jackson would confront me, and if he did, Anya would leave him. Jackson likely thought I would¡¯ve cracked by now, but Anya¡¯s love shielded me from his hope. Most distraught lovers, a category I fell in, called and physically stalked their exes, but I never did. Sure, the internet gave me an outlet to whet my appetite for knowledge, but it was natural to be curious¡ªwhy Anya didn¡¯t want me to hate Jackson¡¯s for his. Although the temptation called out to me, I never once drove by her home¡ªnot because I didn¡¯t care, but because there was nothing to gain. Not one time did I even think to follow her, him or their kids anywhere. Other than what I saw on the internet, and even as I thought of Anya all the time, I had no idea what any of them were doing. Jackson believed I would become psychotic and act out, but eight months later he still had nothing on me¡ªor anything his wife would be willing to give him. Yes, most days I felt abnormal, walking the thin line of sanity, experiencing a madness I¡¯ve never known. A manic depression that was symptomatic of a bipolar disorder and PTSD¡ªnothing felt normal anymore. As a new job awaited me, I feared this strange new world would distract then lead me to my demise. In the face of great mental agony I relied on a drug to help me through the day, one by one, believing Anya¡¯s silent love I could no longer see or feel would take me the rest of the way.

    My apartment held me captive to its memories, and since I was starting at the bottom again, my new job paid considerably less than my previous one. With no real plans of meeting anyone new, a need for anything more than a bachelor pad was not practical. The memories in my bedroom made it hard to stomach lying there alone¡ªI needed a change. Believing Anya still loved me also didn¡¯t mean there was no chance of never seeing her again¡ªI knew that possibility existed too. Every single day for the last eight months, while dealing with symptoms of PTSD¡ªthe severest form of mental instability¡ªI waited for a knock on my door that never came. If I removed myself from my home of the last three years, it would be easier to understand why the knock never came, relieving me from the torment. Clearly, a change of scenery was needed to help me take that next step into the unknown. Whether I¡¯d be around for the long haul, I struggled with that uncertainty every day. In order for me to reclaim some semblance of the life I used to have, at least financially, the straight and narrow path was a road no longer available to me. Instead of allowing others to reap the benefits of a license I worked so hard to attain, it was my duty to profit from it now¡ªthe only hope left to make the same money I lost when the partnership was taken from me. The price for believing in love in a loveless society.

    My first day on the job surprised me¡ªmy mind was completely focused on the work and not all I¡¯ve lost over the last eleven months. The Company hired three other consultants and we all shared one long desk in the same room. One consultant, who was the first consultant hired, took it upon herself to run the show. Although I took no issue with her initiative to manage the tasks, the other two consultants did. The company, a restaurant group, had franchises all over California and experienced a severe cash flow deficit. Apparently, they gave the franchisees leeway in paying their monthly franchise fees because of the recession, but their outsourced accountants failed to track the past due amounts. The group had hundreds of franchises and made their money on the monthly five percent of sales franchise fees. They brought us in to reconcile the amounts owed to them by the franchisees, enabling them to collect on the past due amounts to improve their cash position. They asked us to examine the franchise contracts, cash receipts and bank statements over the last four years to determine what was still owed. After dividing an equal amount of the franchises among us, we each set out using our own approach to calculating the amounts due.

    With each passing day, being back at work helped keep my mind off the depression, forcing me to get out of bed in the morning. Although I used Vicodin to help deal with the stress, not having the time all day to dwell on things was a nice change of pace. With my first paycheck, I put the money into building the business, purchasing a new computer and office furniture. After my parents surprised me by framing my CPA license and Accounting degree, I hung them on the wall above the new desk¡ªmy own home office. The job put me back in the right frame of mind career wise, reclaiming a part of my old self¡ªthe version that didn¡¯t feel like a complete failure. Now being able to focus on myself, I began eating healthy salads and soups again, even working out at five in the morning before going into work each day. The morning workout made me tired later in the day but setting my morning on the right foot just felt better overall. Of course, my depression was waiting for me when I got home, getting absorbed in its host cell¡ªfatigue. But, I felt more in control of its management, writing in my daily journal at night to deal with any unsettled emotions.

    Three weeks into the consulting engagement, the Director of Finance and the CFO called me into their office to track my progress. When they told me ¡°you¡¯re blowing them all away in there¡±, it was the last thing I expected to hear¡ªa far cry since I was last summoned to an office. They were impressed with my presentation of the Franchise fees balances due¡ªsomething the franchisees could understand. While everyone else followed the spreadsheet format of our fearless leader who arrived to work at ten and left at four, I went my own way to success. When the Director of Finance demanded they follow my reconciliation format, the consultants began graciously leaning on me for guidance. From there I gradually took on management of the project, we bonded as a group, gaining traction on a final product we could present to the franchisees. Time was of the essence as each passing day brought a major challenge of not having enough cash to wire to the main food distributors to fulfill restaurant needs. If we could start collecting three years of the uncollected franchise fees, cash flow would improve enough so the Company could stay in business. As long as we didn¡¯t know exactly what amounts were owed by each franchisee, it was only a matter of time before the business became another casualty of the greatest recession in United States history.

    I sat next to a consultant by the name of Steven White. After getting close to Kevin, there was much hesitancy becoming friends with another co-worker. Three weeks into the job, it was only natural to have a conversation. Steve was about six foot and a little overweight with short dark brown hair and a pale complexion. He shared with me how he deducts his expenses for tax purposes, tracking his mileage and meals. Since we arrived an hour early before anyone else, our talks soon became frequent, touching on all subjects, especially sports and music. One day though, he asked if I was married, leading to a discussion about past relationships. Without giving him any details, after my morning Vicodin kicked in, I revealed how difficult losing my girlfriend had been.

    ¡°Do you think she still loves you?¡± he asked, removing his fingers from the keyboard.

    ¡°I think she still does.¡±

    ¡°How come you guys broke up?¡±

    ¡°Bad timing.¡± I told him. ¡°Just bad timing.¡±

    ¡°My girlfriend left me for another man¡ªan investment banker.¡± he revealed, shaking his head. ¡°She left me for money.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m sorry to hear that.¡± I replied, shaking my head too. ¡°That¡¯s tough.¡±

    ¡°She came back to me four years later, telling me she made a mistake. She even apologized.¡±

    ¡°Did you take her back?¡± I perked, feeling a sense of hopefulness.

    ¡°I couldn¡¯t.¡± he answered, turning his chair to face me.

    ¡°Oh?¡±

    ¡°The way she left me. How cold she was¡ªhow she calculated it.¡± He sustained.

    ¡°Did you feel her apology was insincere?¡±

    ¡°The sincerity of her apology didn¡¯t matter. It didn¡¯t matter if she begged me to take her back.¡± He explained. ¡°I knew I¡¯d only take her back to repair my ego but never forgetting what she did and how she did it. It¡¯s easy to forgive her, but it¡¯s impossible to forget.¡±

    I nodded my head in acknowledgment¡ªhow could anyone truly forgive if they could never forget? Steve did her a favor by walking away.

    ¡°Would you take your girlfriend back?¡± He then asked.

    ¡°Well, she didn¡¯t leave me for another man, and I¡¯m mostly at fault for her leaving.¡± I told him. ¡°I¡¯d take her back because I could truly forget what she did. I¡¯d just be happy she was back home and given a chance to fix things.¡±

    ¡°It took four years for me, but when she came back the love was gone. All that remained was closure.¡±

    ¡°I guess all we need sometimes is what we¡¯ve been denied.¡± I said.

    ¡°No doubt.¡±

    When he told me this story, that after four years she came back to him, the light of hope flickered allowing me to not need a pill the remainder of the day. Eight months since our parting, it was an accounting job that breathed new life into me. If Anya ever did come back to me one day, even four years later, I had to be ready. We¡¯ve shared too much for her to never consider it. Building something to offer had to be my upmost priority, a future even grander than if I were partner. Forgiving and forgetting would be beyond easy to do if she had the courage to tell me the things Steven¡¯s ex-girlfriend did. I put Anya in a rough spot that day, and emotions ran high, too high to be reined in. I could never punish her for that, my struggle since the day she left only confirmed living without her was a day at a time undertaking.

    While the new job pieced a part of me back together, my weekend visits to The Good Morning Caf¨¦ pulled me back into my depression. Both Barney and Sal called me often with sound bites for the article. Each weekend at the cafe, as sure as the sun rose, no matter how I tried to time my visits to miss him, Barney would be there.

    ¡°How¡¯s the new job working out?¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s actually more of a client engagement than a typical job.¡± I corrected him. ¡°It¡¯s going really well, but I need to find more business to build this off of.¡±

    ¡°How are you doin¡¯ that?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m compiling a customer list and contact info from business websites I feel could benefit from my services.¡± I detailed. ¡°I¡¯m writing direct letters to these businesses to market my services to them¡ªit¡¯s time consuming.¡±

    ¡°I can imagine.¡± replied Barney, looking about the caf¨¦ as if expecting someone. ¡°How did you like my painting? Impressive huh?¡±

    ¡°I loved your painting. Very impressive. Your love for art kind of chokes me up when I think about it.¡±

    ¡°Why is that?¡± he asked with a wild look in his eyes.

    ¡°You just love what you do¡ªyou put your entire heart and soul into it.¡± I told him, speaking genuinely. ¡°I put my heart and soul into a woman the way you did with your paintings¡ªyou deserve good things to happen¡ªto be appreciated for it.¡±

    ¡°We¡¯re both artists. We love deeply, without restraint, to create something from nothing. To love deeply, is in its very essence, art.¡± He explained. ¡°You don¡¯t have to be a painter to be an artist.¡±

    ¡°Well, it¡¯s just nice to see someone put their heart and soul into something and be recognized for it.¡± I said, contemplating the sadness of his work never being recognized.

    ¡°How¡¯s the article coming along?¡± he asked.

    ¡°I haven¡¯t had time to work on it.¡± I explained, feeling badly. ¡°I did come up with a beginning to it, though. Would you like to hear it?¡±

    ¡°Yes!¡± he exclaimed with lively eyes and bringing his hands together.

    ¡°I began it with the very first thing you told me about your work¡ªthat you do things on a small scale.¡±

    He gazed at me puzzled and unimpressed, as if to say ¡°That¡¯s it?¡±

    ¡°Alright.¡± He then told me instead.

    ¡°The article starts off like this ¡°Saying Barney Vinkovich does art on a small scale is like Amadeus Mozart saying he does music only using small notes.¡±

    After I read this to him, a wide smile broke upon his face and his eyes danced about.

    ¡°I can¡¯t wait to hear the rest of it.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m working on it.¡± I told him, trying to temper his expectations. ¡°I didn¡¯t expect the job to take so much of my time. I¡¯ve been sinking my money so much into the business. I¡¯m livin¡¯ on fumes right now. It¡¯s been a struggle to find the time.¡±

    ¡°I understand¡± he said. ¡°Man, I loved that.¡±

    He deserved all the recognition in the world for his work. The love and passion he poured into his paintings deserved to be known. I didn¡¯t know if this was the way all artists were, but he represented a dying breed in a world that now relied on photographs and not rendered paintings. My opening then inspired him to share another story for the article. While diligently taking notes, it gave me a welcomed respite from the stress of building a business to cure my quickly depleting bank account. If I didn¡¯t finish the article, it would be a great disservice to him¡ªhis soul needing it as badly as I needed Anya¡¯s love to be real. With each and every story he shared; it was easy to see how much it meant to him. Although he envisioned it only being a page or two, it was too few to do his work any justice. His being judged by many for leaving the medical book illustration profession to go off on his own, scalded him inside. His ¡°hothead¡± persona a judgment thrown down upon him with no understanding of what drove him there. This article was a chance to let the ones who judged him know why the vision he carved for himself was not the vision others had for him. No doubt he had a mean streak in him, but didn¡¯t we all on some level? If nothing drove us mad, then how could we be passionate about anything?

    As my depression pressed on, nightly jaunts to the bookstore¡¯s self-help section helped me find ways to better cope. Settling into my new job only allowed me more time to ruminate on all that was missing. Delving back into mental anguish, I stumbled upon an autobiography by Steven Tyler, lead singer of the group Aerosmith. As the Vicodin taken twenty minutes earlier kicked in, his claim that being sober was the best he¡¯s felt, landed hard within. Living my life without a pill seemed like the greatest of impossibilities without Anya¡ªthe only way I could mimic the good feeling she gave me. How long and treacherous the road in front of me seemed, just to return to who I was before we met. The emptiness and despair would be unrelenting and impossible to bear¡ªI knew I¡¯d never make it.

    I then stumbled upon another book on this night titled ¡°Not Just Friends¡± about how couples deal with the fallout from an affair. It claimed if the jilted husband or wife contacted the ¡°affair partner, it would only bring their spouse closer to the affair partner. The author then suggested the husband and wife form a ¡°united front¡± against the affair partner if they planned to work on their marriage. The book also told of the unhappiness and sorrow of the affair partner; how they suffer having to heal alone. When the author also claimed that men who witnessed the birth of their child were more prone to cheating on their wives, the author lost credibility trying to justify the unjustifiable. To read about an excuse for Jackson¡¯s behavior was beyond unsettling knowing how much agony swelled inside me for trusting in someone¡¯s sadness. The author concludes by surmising the affair is the beginning of the end¡ªthat most extramarital relationships never save themselves even when two partners become emotionally attached or try to reconnect. After all is said and done, they come to realize how different they really are.

    The book also told of another tale of woe¡ªa woman who stuck with a married man for fifteen years before learning he was seeing someone he eventually ended up with. If that happened to me, I would¡¯ve walked straight to the bridge then off of it. After reading that last story, it left me feeling a tad justified for forcing Anya¡¯s hand. It was never done to hurt or scare her or her kids, but to push her into telling him she was in love with me¡ªto nudge her into reality to know she was real. We were never just friends. The writer of the book I placed back on the shelf claimed when Anya told Jackson we were just friends, it meant she wanted to continue our relationship. At the time, it was impossible to view her words in that way¡ªI was obsessed with her love being real. The only thing that could make it real would be the admission of her love for me.

    One observation in particular, its singular truth, made me realize the reality of her situation¡ªher marriage was in deep trouble. In no uncertain words, the author claimed the number one reason for the affair causing a divorce was if there was sexual intimacy with the affair partner. It meant the cheating spouse was in love and not just looking for kicks on a Saturday night. It even went on to state that forty-nine percent of marriages with infidelities on both sides led to divorce. Considering she kept my ¡°thingie¡±, she accepted my letter even writing me back, and never returned my love music CD indicated nothing less than her still having feelings for me. It was no coincidence those holiday pics from the CPG website were removed for a reason¡ªincluding the pics disappearing from her daughter¡¯s Facebook page. Jackson could never deny the fact he needed details and Anya clearly wasn¡¯t giving them to him, using his daughter and Company to get them from me. In my estimation, the marriage had two to three more years of life remaining, if that.

    Without any reason to suspect the contrary, I decided to get online hoping to see if Anya would show as my number one Facebook friend suggestion. When she did this time though, she had a new profile picture to show the world. As my eyes absorbed it, a seemingly current portrait of her on Jackson¡¯s lap inside a large restaurant booth, a sudden halt attacked my respiratory faculties leaving me unable to breathe. The picture showed they had formed what I read about minutes earlier; a united front against me, filling me with nothing less than a sense of impending doom. A unification meant to have no other intention than to destroy all the hope and sanity that remained.

 CHAPTER 28 ~ NOBODYS HERO

    ¡°These wounds won¡¯t seem to heal.

    This pain is just too real.

    There¡¯s just too much that time cannot erase.¡±

    ¡°My Immortal¡± ~ Evanescence

    Reeling myself in, my heart desperately fought for tomorrow¡ªthe picture had a purpose; a reason behind it. That this wasn¡¯t a true united front but rather an attempt for me to contact them in outrage. Nothing less than a complete provocation, hidden behind the lie of harassment. How could Anya go along with this after everything? Especially knowing I still loved her? My heart exposed more than ever, in the CD¡¯s I burned and the letters I wrote. Jackson had to have forced her hand again to destroy us against her will. And, likely against her knowledge¡ªher and Jackson were not friends on Facebook. As the days passed, my mind wrested control of my heart¡ªshe had to know and even allowed it to happen. She had to, simply because he would never allow it, us, to happen. The smile on her face sitting on the lap of a man who desecrated her soul, as if he never hurt her a day in his life, felt like being thrown into the heart of a star. Anya told me one time she was not a very good actress but putting on a show for people was too second nature to be anything less. If this picture of perception wasn¡¯t meant to break me, it was meant to leave me in pieces.

    All the momentum and hope built up with the new consulting job, quickly eroded, relying more than ever on Vicodin to get me through. Continually denying my codependency on the pills caused a rift between my mother and I. No matter how many times I explained they were needed to keep focused on my job she refused to buy it, threatening to pull the plug on them. Failing to recognize I was now a vendor not an employee and that a payroll run no longer meant payday for me, I fell behind on my rent, car and credit card payments. When I did get paid, the cash was used to pay my bills instead of my accumulating income taxes. As my life began to unravel after a moment of good feelings, a neurosis began to settle in, overcome by the reality of her love for me. After all we shared, and after all she told me about him that encouraged me to be in her life; after all she allowed me to feel for her, and even after nearly a year since we broke up, this picture should¡¯ve never been posted to possibly be seen with my eyes. I knew people usually smiled in pictures, but my heart didn¡¯t expect a smile from her with him. No doubt this picture would be a sweet one in most circumstances. This pic was likely meant to make the kids smile more than anyone. But the problem was she allowed someone to have deep feelings for her¡ªthe only thing making it wrong.

    Unable to sleep after she impaled me with a smile, in front of the man she led me to believe wronged her, left me calling in sick the next day. Unable to concentrate on anything other than the deep hatred for my current surrounding, I vowed to find a way to leave behind the torture chamber I currently occupied. Time wouldn¡¯t be able to wipe away all the memories surrounding me¡ªI had to go. Using the day to find a new place to live, a less expensive bachelor pad, I set myself up for a move by the end of the month, only a week later. After moving to my new place, it did little to make me feel better. Migraines became a daily occurrence, forcing me to leave my desk to rid myself of what little my stomach had in it these days¡ªmy continued Vicodin usage increasing their intensity. I couldn¡¯t care but fight through it, or lose the rest of the hope I had left to survive this. Miraculously, no one in the office sensed anything wrong with me.

    There was a real possibility I had to consider, to get me through it all¡ªthat Jackson was behind this picture. Anya told me during an exchange that he would ¡°come after me¡± if he knew and the Facebook profile picture provided evidence of that. He had to have hoped I¡¯d seek him out and give him the power he craved over Anya and myself. Although I threatened Anya I would talk to Jackson, there was a difference between wanting to and actually doing it. If there were no kids involved, I would¡¯ve easily confronted him, but Katie and Andrew were the reason for reeling myself in. Then again, if there were no Katie and Andrew, I truly believed Anya would have already told Jackson, relieving me of that duty. The feeling of being left unprotected by Anya is what was driving me slowly to my grave¡ªthat it was up to me to defend the motives for being in her life¡ªreasons she made known to me without reservations. Little did I know those reservations would morph into misrepresentations. In order to keep moving forward, I found ways to convince myself he forced her into posting this picture because of all the previous ones she removed¡ªlikely because he sensed she was still harboring feelings for me. Anya may have been physically with Jackson, but emotionally she belonged to me.

    Remembering the time when Anya told me that Carolyn believed I wouldn¡¯t be a good man for her simply because I never raised kids of my own before. But what experience did Jackson have raising a ten and twelve-year-old before she met him? He did it on the fly, only showing up for games and performances, leaving his wife to teach her son how to play baseball. If he couldn¡¯t leave a flexible job wanting to at least teach his son how to play a sport, how could he be matched against my perceived lack of parenting experience? I could basically do nothing and be there more for Andrew than he had. Jackson¡¯s ¡°holier than thou¡± attitude really irritated me to the very core of my being¡ªa perception existing simply because he was a father and I had yet to be. By forcing Anya to post that picture on her Facebook account was an attempt to contact me by provoking me to contact him¡ªnothing more and nothing less. Refusing to play his game, I contemplated ways to drive him to contact me, but had nothing. People seemed to have a hard time understanding my disdain for Jackson, but they didn¡¯t know him the way I did. All they saw was him as a father and model executive, they didn¡¯t see how he ruined another man¡¯s marriage and how he mentally abused his wife for years. For him to believe it was ¡°cheaper to keep her¡±, letting Anya go out to bars to hurt decent caring men like myself, it disgusted me beyond disgust itself. It shouldn¡¯t have taken a man like myself in Anya¡¯s life to suddenly make him announce he''d lose an arm if he could change things between them. Why did it take me coming into your life to suddenly make you start repenting for what you put her through? Didn¡¯t you have Yom Kippur, a day of atonement for the last twelve years to start doing that? You needed her to wreck another man¡¯s life before taking responsibility for anything in yours?

    Jackson pitched from the angle that I desired to break up his family, failing to see his own role in the situation. He likely threatened to take the kids from Anya, not because of a great love only a father could have, but to control her. Of course, there was no question he loved them; he didn¡¯t want to pay child support. He threw his money into horses, boats and investment accounts to show his love, but bailed at times he really needed to be there¡ªleaving his life partner to shuttle the kids back and forth in hazardous conditions and unsafe places. I just knew too much to feel sorry for him and I refused to. His one goal in life was to control and hold power over people, something I refused to give him. In reality, I took it easy on him and he should¡¯ve been grateful a guy like myself was the one who loved her. There were many times I could¡¯ve done far more than I did with Anya, yet I reeled myself in. Not for his benefit and definitely not for mine, but for hers. What married man, with a young child and another on the way, has an affair with a married woman? Then afterwards, for years instead of repenting, continued to chip away at his wife¡¯s heart? After all Anya made me privy to, all the money in the world couldn¡¯t hide the fact he was a bad person, let alone a terrible husband. What kind of man puts the mother of his children through this? This was why I fought for her¡ªnever to break up a family but to break Anya away from her dependence on him. He sure looked good from where he stood, but the foundation was faulty.

    Jackson had something under his sleeve¡ªhe had to know there was a part of her he could never have again. A part of her he had the audacity to believe he was entitled to. He knew there existed a part of Anya he couldn¡¯t touch or reach anymore and he wanted to destroy me for weakening her dependence on him. A monster piece of her he no longer possessed because it belonged to me¡ªthe man who truly loved her. He had to have known all she shared with me, the truth about who he really was¡ªunable to retrieve the illusion he presented to others. Seeking its return through provocation, the picture was an attempt to pit me against Anya¡ªto get me in his corner believing she couldn¡¯t have loved me. Weakening me into believing she really did play me for a fool.

    I hated the fact I had to stand here and take this¡ªthat he continued to hurt the one I held in my heart. Anya knew I disliked him more than anything because of all he put the mother of his children through over the years. Jackson Caiaphas was a rotten husband and deserved to be the lonely one in all of this. His cheating ways even cut Anya¡¯s character into half, infecting her with his lies and manipulations, bringing unnecessary stress into her life. Jackson would¡¯ve rather seen her remain with someone she didn¡¯t love, than to be with someone who made her happy. He simply couldn¡¯t have loved Anya; he was too in love with himself. This wasn¡¯t about me at all. This had nothing to do with Anya meeting me; this was all about Jackson. The man Anya married and the decisions he made to hurt his family. If he intended to make the mother of his children look bad in any way, his reputation would belong to me¡ªthe one who held the truth about him. All I wanted now was for Anya to be happy in life¡ªfor her to be with someone who didn¡¯t diminish her character or who inspired her to potentially break the hearts of her children. Jackson had no right to put Anya in the position to feel like she broke the hearts of her children, when it was his actions that caused her to seek real love. For her to want to don the ring of a man who truly loved her.

    At midnight for the next several days, I started receiving an error message on my Blackberry phone that read ¡°null exception¡±¡ªwas it a phone tap? I hadn¡¯t texted her in eleven months with no plans to, unless she contacted me. This is likely the reason why she hadn¡¯t responded to me at all¡ªfearful he would trace her call or text. Well, I hated to break it to Jackson, but Anya said three words to me I took very seriously; ¡°I love you¡±¡ªtrusting those words with every part of my being. I couldn¡¯t allow myself to believe for half a millisecond Anya would¡¯ve fallen in love with someone if it jeopardized the happiness of her children. Anya allowed and encouraged me to fall deeply in love with her to break up a family? There¡¯s just no way it was possible¡ªno way. Breaking up a family was not the decision I made by choosing to be in her life. If I knew that, I would¡¯ve never given her a chance at happiness¡ªchoosing only to be in her life to save her from herself. I loved only to save a mother from a life of hopelessness and despair. If the jury was out on me for that crime, then consider me guilty. This wasn¡¯t about Anya running off and being with me¡ªthis was about her reclaiming that spirit of joy when being there and for her kids. To be there with a permanent smile; not with a backward glance at the past. If she ultimately chose to be with someone else, there was nothing I could do about that, but staying with Jackson cut me deeper than any knife ever could. He knew as well as anyone did, when you have phone taps and fake Facebook profiles, there¡¯s no trust let alone a marriage to salvage. The only thing left to fight for was a lie.

    As much as I believed the picture was meant to provoke me, I desperately needed to hear from Anya that Jackson put her up to this¡ªmy loneliness and sadness refusing to make excuses for her. To know all those times I stuck up for her, fighting with those who questioned her love for me, couldn¡¯t be a misdirection. As the days passed, the silence only grew louder, feeding my addiction to Vicodin more than ever. When my mother began hiding her pills from me, knowing my struggle to function without them, the tension between us smoldered. Each time she caved in, I¡¯d promise her to get off them soon, but lying to her and myself had become second nature. To make matters worse, my consulting client was not liquid enough to pay me but once a month. Tormented by the picture in my head and struggling to make ends meet, my business aspirations began to deteriorate. After my bank account went into a negative balance for the first time in my life, collection calls came my way threatening to destroy my perfect credit score. Three-day notices to ¡®pay or quit¡¯ taped to the door of my new bachelor pad at the beginning of each month became common occurrences. As my life unraveled, sustained only by a white capsule every three hours, the cold touch of reality penetrated my mind¡ªwhat if this was Anya¡¯s intention? What if this wasn¡¯t Jackson¡¯s idea at all?

    As consistent migraines and stomach ailments threatened to end my consulting work, the end of my rope left me with burned palms. People had it much worse than I ever did, yet I was too broken to recognize it. How fair was it that she was surrounded by love and I was left strangled by it? There was no way to continue down this path of great anxiety¡ªI needed to do something. Sure, I could believe she still loved me, popping pills to get me through the times it didn¡¯t feel that way, but how long could I keep that up before there were no more days left to believe? I still loved Anya very much, and if she ever came back to me, I¡¯d take her back without question. We were always in this together; I could never turn my back on her. But what about my forever belief in what love was and what love could never be? The thing that separated me from those who claimed to know what love was? The love I felt strong enough to die for? Anya¡¯s love ruined me for all other women. After all I experienced with her, how could I ever love someone else? Each time I¡¯d try, I¡¯d see her face and miss her scent. There was no loneliness greater than this.

    Shortly after the picture was posted, Anya never came up as a friend suggestion again, breaking me even further. The reward of woe bestowed upon the man who was loyal even when she wasn¡¯t. When Carolyn blocked me from her Facebook account, something I never expected, my depression kicked into another gear knowing the united front was growing. How come I never saw this happening to me? The reason why the past is never behind you as much as you try to believe it is¡ªit¡¯s the greatest predictor of the future. I should have looked at Anya the night she told me he cheated on her and said ¡°that¡¯s what you get for marrying a man for his money¡±. But no, the big-hearted fool who believed in love cared for her instead, and all she did was use me to fill the void. The very thing I warned her never to do, she still did. Anya married what mattered most to her, and what apparently still mattered most to her. Would she have still been with him if he didn¡¯t have money? Not in a million years, and every day that passed, this truth only strengthened.

    My first consulting client began to morph into pure drudgery, not because of the work, but the mental fatigue hampering my drive and focus. Whenever my head pounded or my stomach turned, I¡¯d run off to my car, passing out without a care if I lost the work. Filing for bankruptcy and even worse, asking to move back home left me paralyzed. A year later, here I was, with Anya on my mind far too much to piece myself back together. All of it, not just the picture, made zero sense to me. How could she have genuinely opened up her entire life to me, only to stay? How could two whole years in an extramarital relationship, with over fifty visits to my apartment, not be enough for her to leave? When Katie and Andrew came to mind, her decision made more sense, but the now physical grip this had on me made it harder to understand. How could she allow anyone to care and feel so much for her, if she was willing to sacrifice it all? How come she couldn¡¯t understand another heart was involved, not only hers? Is that why she lovebombed me? So I¡¯d be too bound by love to not understand why she¡¯d leave? Understanding the sacrifice she made for her kids was easy if nothing happened between us, or if our relationship lasted only a few weeks or months, but after two years? The gym used to be my place of refuge but I couldn¡¯t even get through a workout without feeling distraught and out of sorts¡ªopting to head home to pop a pill instead. How could I be this fucked up a year later? After all these years of believing otherwise, it appeared my father was a prophet; I was a failure; a loser. My father used to beat me up mentally at my lowest points, I never expected Anya, the woman who claimed to love me forever, would ever dare to leave me at mine.

    The second holiday season without her felt worse than the first, my loneliness manifesting itself to nothing less than cancer of the mind. The more I thought about the picture, tormented by its intent, the more it purged memories of things she said to me¡ªthings I seriously considered for the first time. What if Anya married Jackson strictly for money and not for love? What if she was the reason for his infidelities? Fearing the truth behind this, my heart kicked in to tell me it¡¯s what Jackson wanted me to believe. If his goal was to drive my love for Anya out of it, believing she deceived me, it would only give Jackson what he wanted to achieve¡ªif he forced Anya to post the picture. He wanted me to question all she ever felt for me¡ªhis new life¡¯s mission¡ªto steal away all the love and happiness she ever felt for me. How could I just let him do that this easily? He wanted me to hate her, hoping I¡¯d do that with a knee jerk reaction to effectively give him the power to make it happen. As much pain as the picture brought, as my life crumbled around me, I couldn¡¯t allow myself to believe she¡¯d hurt me like this. If I did, Jackson won.

    With each passing hour though, Jackson¡¯s attack on my mind penetrated my defenses the more I recalled more of the things Anya told me. The time she said I made her happy then told me not to blame Jackson for my unhappiness. Who should I blame? Myself? For trusting in her love and all she ever told me about him? The time after she said ¡°goodbye¡± but also letting me know she would now ¡°suffer forever¡±. Why place the blame on me when she made the choice to give up? Was my job to make her marriage more pleasant just so she could stay with him in misery? What favor would I have done for her by just walking away? None. Zero. It would¡¯ve just been another guy, adding one more heartbreak to the list. She was the one who described what we had as ¡°special¡± and ¡°not of this world¡±. If she truly believed that, how could she ever feel she betrayed her kids? Or snap at me to never include her with the general public when I only pressured her to do the right thing? If not for me, if not for us, for herself. Why did she give me any grief anytime I ¡°pressured¡± her if she believed if I left her that she would ¡°suffer forever¡±? She even claimed the quickest way to get over someone was to meet someone new. How could she have ever suggested that if she truly believed what we had was special and out of this world? How could she discount all my feelings and say such a thing after two years of love? So much love, that we had major disagreements over it?

    After she initiated and pursued a relationship with me then claiming she ¡°betrayed her kids¡±, essentially handed off the burden of breaking up her family to me. Now, she hid behind a husband, his money and a picture, as if he had never cheated on her when she was pregnant. A pregnancy I knew damn well and scientifically speaking, led her to having a premature birth. How could her love, if it truly was love, ever lead me to breaking up a family for simply wanting to be with the one I loved¡ªthe same one who claimed she loved me too? What kind of man did she think I was? Did she hold the belief since she met me at a bar that all I¡¯d want was a one- night stand? As if, that¡¯s all we were good enough for? She even told me one time that she was the woman and I was the man, and I should know to never upset her. Did she ever consider the respect she should have for my feelings? That because I''m a man meant I¡¯m not allowed to feel? Her husband was the stoic asshole who didn¡¯t give a fuck about her, not me. Oh, until I came into his life, turning him into a man who¡¯d lose an arm to change things¡ªtwelve fucking years later. What a joke. Why didn¡¯t she have enough common sense to recognize by loving me as much as she did, that it would hurt me badly if she stayed for any reason? That it would be just fine because she would be hurt in the end, like she always was when she eventually spurned men away for Jackson¡¯s money? She always countered with ¡°I couldn¡¯t help it¡±. In actuality though, she was also saying ¡°I couldn¡¯t help but to completely disregard how that would make you feel if I stayed¡±. Did she honestly believe my feelings would never grow for her? Or worse yet, she knew they would and use that as an excuse to leave? That I would never desire more, the more I fell in love with her? How could she have harassed my heart and mind this way?

    In regards to having a Facebook account she told me she was a ¡°private¡± person. If that was true, how could she tell me, a complete stranger, all the things she did about her husband? She even told me one time ¡°I hope you don¡¯t feel sorry for me¡±, yet it never stopped her from telling me her husband had cheated on her several times. If you didn¡¯t want me to feel sorry for you, why share things that would allow me to care and fall in love with you? On the first night we met, I hadn¡¯t known her a minute before she told me her ¡°boyfriend¡± broke up with her¡ªand she hoped I didn¡¯t feel sorry for her? Even the last day we spoke she told me, ¡°I will suffer forever¡±, and she hoped I didn¡¯t feel sorry for her? The truth was, I didn¡¯t feel sorry for her, I cared about her and if I had the power to change things for the better for her, then I¡¯d do everything in my power to. My reward for loving her, for caring about her happiness above my own? A picture of her sitting on the lap of the vilest man on the face of the planet to me.

    As far as making a decision to be with me, something she told me with certainty she would do if I swept her off her feet, she tells me, ¡°I¡¯m not God, I don¡¯t know.¡± You couldn¡¯t see it was me God brought into your life? If she couldn¡¯t see that, then she never believed what we shared was special but rather a regret. When she told me ¡°you could tell him we¡¯ve slept together every day for two years and it won¡¯t matter¡±, it shook me up knowing she believed I intended to tell him we slept together. What would I ever get out of that? I could understand how it could scare her if I did, but what kind of man did she think I was? I just wanted him to know, after he got into my Facebook account and after two years together, the truth¡ªshe wanted to wear my ring. If he went in search of the truth he should have it, not the details. I loved Anya, so what did she think I stood to gain by telling him about our sexual relationship? All he needed to know was that she was in love with me¡ªleaving it up to him to fill in the blanks.

    When she told me ¡°I¡¯ve never been on a budget¡±, it brought me back to the time Denise told me ¡°I need a man to take care of me¡±. It should¡¯ve told me the real reason she stayed with Jackson¡ªthe reason she¡¯d sit on his lap like a prostitute would. She gave me the reason why she stayed and I ignored it, thinking I meant the world to her. She told me that the weekend she was surrounded by her well to do Korean family, so maybe that had a little something to do with her statement. I would¡¯ve been happy to be on a budget if it meant I could spend the rest of my life with Anya¡ªthe real difference between her form of love and mine. She even told me ¡°We could never get married because I¡¯d lose the alimony payments¡ªwe would never make enough money on your income¡±. If it mattered to her, then money should be a factor in her decision, but she should¡¯ve shared this with me far sooner than she did. And if this mattered to her more than anything, especially after I questioned it and she led me to believe otherwise, she should¡¯ve never let me feel a single thing for her. And definitely never giving me any grief after walking away before we reconnected, instead of telling me ¡°you broke my heart¡±. She should¡¯ve told me she raised her kids in a fashion that they got the best of things in life. She should¡¯ve told me the real reason she was still with Jackson and not because no one would be there for her if she left him. That she was there for his money and what it provided her and the kids with. That she stayed with him because she never had to live on a budget. Yet, it was me she didn¡¯t trust? The one who was loyal to her in his dreams? The one who shared every single thought he had, good or bad? How could I now only be worthy of her silence through a picture?

    I would¡¯ve rather heard the words ¡°I hate you.¡± than the time she told me ¡°I don¡¯t want to face anything anymore¡± after allowing me to fall deeply in love with her. Leading to my financial ruin and a mental anguish I needed drugs to help get me through each day, even putting myself over a mother who while in the greatest battle of her life had to worry about her son. After two years of trusting in all we shared and that the words ¡°I love you¡± meant something to her, she couldn¡¯t face anything anymore leaving me to face the destruction her love left behind. It seemed my greatest fear was confirmed that day¡ªher love for me only existed on her terms and conditions, and never mine. I¡¯m not saying she didn¡¯t care for me, and I¡¯m not saying she never loved me. I¡¯m sure it was and felt like love to her¡ªit just was contingent upon being a secret. Once the curtains fell, her love wasn¡¯t behind them, if it ever was. For her to suddenly not want to face anything anymore, after knowing I was in her life, resonated loudly¡ªmy feelings mattered very little to her; only wanting a love without consequence. If she didn¡¯t have to face any consequences, she loved me forever, even willing to place her ashes out to sea only when she could no longer be questioned, or, face anything anymore. While I was willing to die for her, to do whatever it took regardless of what anyone would think. Once Jackson found out, she crumbled, blaming me for why she would ¡°suffer forever¡±.

    ¡°All I know is that I¡¯m in love with you¡± she told me one time while sifting through our emotional anguish. But, what else did she need to know when that¡¯s all I needed to know? Unfortunately, there seemed to be a lot more than she led me to believe. I think she knew at this moment she would never leave, that love wasn¡¯t enough. And if the consequences of that love became costly, she would leave me without a moment¡¯s hesitation, opting for a memory over reality.The author''s tale has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.

    At this moment, I remembered all of her words¡ªwords that will affect me until I meet the ultimate darkness. Words now leaving me to question her honesty and sincerity.

    ¡°You¡¯ll meet someone else.¡± As if I fell in love with people every day.

    ¡°This isn¡¯t you against him!¡± As if she would be there if she had to be on a budget.

    ¡°You¡¯re immature.¡± As if not getting a divorce after sexual intimacy with another for two years was mature.

    ¡°I¡¯m sorry from the bottom of my heart for hurting you.¡± She was only sorry because she feared her children would learn about us. She always felt she was honest from the beginning.

    ¡°I love you.¡± If you don¡¯t understand or respect the kind of weight these three words carry then they should never be said. They have to stand for everything, never meaning nothing.

    ¡°I don¡¯t know.¡± If one could say ¡°I love you¡± the words ¡°I don¡¯t know¡± could never exist.

    ¡°You¡¯re not the solution.¡± If love was not the solution, then what was? Love seemed to be the solution in Laguna Beach, San Diego and San Francisco. So, staying in your marriage after all we¡¯ve shared, is?

    ¡°You¡¯ve ruined my hope and life.¡± Yet, she could never make a simple promise to be with me, choosing to believe love was nothing more than a ghost.

    I then found myself back to when she referred to me as being ¡°immoral¡± for pushing her to live an honest life if she truly loved me. The married woman who approached me at a bar, made a date with me and loved me as if she had never been married a day in her life called me immoral. The same woman who made me feel bad for leaving her alone at a bar because she was married and told me I broke her heart referred to me as immoral. As if the only true act of immorality was to leave her husband, and the two years worth of acts she initiated were not. Even after all that, I would¡¯ve never called her ¡°immoral¡±. I loved her too much to ever call her that, defending her honor against anyone, even my own mother. Her reasons for falling in love with me were valid and human, not immoral in any sense of the word. If Jackson had been a loving, faithful husband, then she acted immorally, but falling out of love with her soul¡¯s tormentor was not an immoral act. The man who ruined her hope and life, but cheating on her while she was pregnant and never repenting until twelve years later after I had come into her life was immoral. Her own husband was the one who wanted her to suffer forever without love. If she didn¡¯t love him, then she could love no one. Jackson was the only immoral one.

    The last thing I remembered, was when Anya told me it was beyond scary to imagine never hearing or seeing from me ever again. Yet, as scary as she claimed it to be, I only heard from her one time over the last year. That was the truth; that was the reality. The scariest of all certainties¡ªTheresa and the rest, the outsiders, knew something I refused to accept; that Anya truly didn¡¯t love me and she may have never did. That her love existed on the grounds that it remains a secret¡ªwhy Anya told me I had no grounds. There was a singular truth about love¡ªit would¡¯ve stopped at nothing. Love would¡¯ve known, or at least fought to know, we weren¡¯t about breaking up a family or hurting kids. Especially after allowing and encouraging someone to fall deeply in love with her after telling them they had broken her heart. If she truly loved me, wouldn¡¯t she had known this?

    After mulling over the message behind the picture, in the midst of my own life¡¯s misery after falling into financial trouble, my mother¡¯s illness and an addiction to a drug I used to alleviate reality with, there was one more letter that now needed to be written. The most honest, and most difficult letter I will ever write. I needed to know the truth¡ªthe message behind the picture. A year later, I was only living to pass time before I died¡ªa defeated man with one last letter to write. One last letter to make sense of three years of feelings. There would be no more rose petals, no more CD¡¯s and no more apologies. There was no more money to be left on the table. All I¡¯ve done over the last year was give myself false hope, alienating those who were brave enough to be honest with me. The mental anguish has become intolerable to the point I didn¡¯t even know myself anymore. This letter could not be accusatory or attack her in any way. She needed to feel comfortable enough to tell me the truth no matter how much inner turmoil stirred within me.

    Slowly and surely, she began to fall out of love the minute she felt pressure from me. The day I wanted her to be honest with Jackson, was the day she came clean. She only loved me with her heart and soul as long as she had the safety net of her marriage¡ªI¡¯ve never lived on a budget. A part of me couldn¡¯t blame her, but to work on her marriage after all we shared was the greatest insult and why I questioned her love. This letter had to remove her from out of the cocoon of silence. But, was I courageous enough to lose all I ever hoped for and believed in? This letter would be a Christ like sacrifice for me. Was there a way this letter could ensure me of the truth yet leave some hope? Did she threaten to divorce him with any real intention to or did she just use me as leverage if he ever divorced her? Who in their right mind wanted to fall in love with someone they could never be with? Who in their right mind wanted to fall in love with someone they had to share with someone else? No, I never loved Anya out of pity, it was done out of trust in her love for me. I hated to take a black or white stance on a gray situation, but if you loved someone, you¡¯re with that person; never leaving them alone to suffer without you. You run to them and never from them. I¡¯m not saying she didn¡¯t like me a lot, but how could she have ever called it love?

    Anya knew how to love someone, but she never knew what it meant to love someone. Anya gave her kids everything they wanted because she loved them. Could she then understand how and why I didn¡¯t feel loved at times? Or did she gaslight me the way her husband did? Her soulmate couldn¡¯t even secure the promise of one day. Love knew no obstacles¡ªit was stronger than anything standing in its way. I was happy Anya loved herself, but she loved herself way too much to love me enough to ever be with me. She found many reasons to keep living a lie but never a reason to be with me. I may have never been the solution in her eyes, but I was always her truth. A person in love with me would¡¯ve never told me ¡°it doesn¡¯t matter¡± or ¡°there¡¯s nothing I can do¡± or ¡°it is what it is¡±; and especially, ¡°he¡¯d never allow it¡±, because she never would allow him not to.

    Anya got her idea of love from music, books and movies, not from reality. It was why she opted for the fantasy. When threatened with reality, she shrieked in horror like Fay Wray. It now appeared I fell in love with a gifted magician, the greatest illusionist that ever lived. While sitting at my computer attempting to put my feelings to screen, recalling our trip to San Diego naturally came to mind. After another dreamlike night together, one allowing me to feel closer to her, it should¡¯ve never felt the way it did days later. Feeling like a jilted woman, dealing with an unsettling anxiety while she partied, as if we never shared a thing, on St. Patrick¡¯s Day with her husband and their neighbors. I couldn¡¯t shake that memory, reeling in uneasiness all because I trusted in her unhappiness¡ªeven taking the blame for hurting her. Over time, our love only seemed to represent a transfer of unhappiness, from her to me. Is that something love would ever dare to do? It wasn¡¯t the fact she went out with friends for St. Patrick¡¯s Day that pained me, it was the fact she kept it from me because she knew it would hurt me. It opened my eyes to the reality; she had no problem hiding things from me. It was also why she claimed to never have lied to me before¡ªshe couldn¡¯t be guilty of telling a lie if she kept it off the record. After seeing how she defended Jackson more than she ever defended me, I¡¯m certain she didn¡¯t care much for my feelings, if at all. If I were to find out, she¡¯d just take the easy route and walk away instead of stopping it. While trying to remain humble throughout it all for nearly two years, she humiliated me on a daily basis¡ªtruths I would never know of unless I asked. If she truly wanted me to let her go, why not be honest about all the things that would hurt me? I¡¯d have no choice but to run for my life because she certainly didn¡¯t care about it. I always found when she would tell me ¡°when you hurt, I hurt¡± to be part of our connection and sweet. Little did I know it was her way to feel less guilt all those times she went right back into the life she told me she hated. The life she made me feel like the solution for. I understood being behind her kids, but her husband and their neighbors, too? I understood they represented future votes for Jackson, but after two years it was unacceptable to keep living such a lie. If Anya couldn¡¯t believe in our love, what could she ever believe in?

    All I could do while crafting the letter each night, was to take her ¡°love¡± at face value. All the silence. No letters. Not even a single text character or solo ring of the phone to just say hello. It¡¯s not the fact she stayed that bothered me¡ªshe had that right. It was the misrepresentations she made to get me where she wanted me to be. If I meant as much to her as she claimed. If I truly was her everything. If what we shared was truly special and not of this world¡ªshe would¡¯ve found a way to keep our love alive. The photo seemed to be an admission¡ªthere was some truth to my stories and conclusions. I had to ask myself would I have ever backed away if Anya questioned my love? Never.

    Anya told me she put herself out there along with her heart; that she risked everything to be with me. But, if she knew all along Jackson would never allow it, did she truly risk anything she hadn¡¯t already lost? I didn¡¯t just risk losing everything, I lost everything. So much so, my life turned into a mere afterthought; with the conviction I didn¡¯t want to be around for the next thing to tear me into pieces.

    After two years of the greatest love I¡¯ve ever known, I felt like a criminal--an intruder; the enemy. The one who led her to betray her kids by pushing her into a world of honesty. I now learned why her indecision existed¡ªno matter how much I cared, loved, respected and honored her, she never viewed me as the solution. Jackson¡¯s ability to provide for her and the kids is all that ever mattered to her. He could¡¯ve brought her back the Ebola virus and she would¡¯ve never left him. The hardest thing to accept was knowing that love simply knows. Love always knows and what Anya felt for me wasn¡¯t love, it only felt that way because Jackson gave her a free pass. Little did I know, it was me who had everything to lose. If Jackson would never allow it then she stood to lose nothing she hadn¡¯t already lost years ago. She could not have been in love with me, and at the same time, willing to give herself to someone else¡ªespecially a man who chipped her heart away for years. Love would have shown up at my door by now; been at my gate like she did at five on a Saturday morning. How could she share with me all she did, allow me to feel so much, and never know? To never see all I gave her as a solution to love her life? She wanted to remain friends and have lunch every once in a while? After all we shared, I was only good enough for a lunch date once in a while? How could she ever get upset at me when I questioned her love when I was never the solution in the first place? Love didn¡¯t just give up. It took a hiatus every now and then, but it never gives up. If he wouldn¡¯t allow it, it was because she allowed him to not allow it. Love knew only pride and never shame.

    As long as love fit in her schedule, and didn¡¯t pull her in a direction she didn¡¯t want to go, it was love according to her. Upon completing the letter, even after writing it ten times over, I struggled mailing it knowing it carried a finality to it. If I didn¡¯t send it to her though, would she ever know what love was? She needed to know all I¡¯ve come to learn in her silence¡ªhow love was equitable. Without equity, it could never be love just because she felt it. Two had to feel it, not just one. I¡¯m not saying it didn¡¯t feel like love to her¡ªI was certain it did, but feeling and being were two different things. We both needed to know what love was, the reason I wrote the letter.

    Overwhelmed by great despair, writing Barney¡¯s article became an impossible task. While Sal Chinchilla and Barney called me every other day to see where I was with the article, my focus was scattered like debris from an explosion. With my mind in a terrible mess, I concentrated on writing a letter I hoped to be wrong about. A non-accusatory message, fair to both Anya and myself, that had to prompt a response from her to know where I stood¡ªlikely revealing where I always stood. Her silence over the last year had taken a severe toll for a notably solitary reason¡ªDenise silence sounded the same. Anya had no business allowing me to feel so deeply if she ever planned to abandon me. I understood, sometimes things don¡¯t work out and people got their hearts broken every day. I knew I wasn¡¯t special enough to be precluded from heartbreak. Things sometimes work out and sometimes they didn¡¯t. But this heartbreak was something she knew I walked away from to avoid experiencing. The representations she made to me about her marriage should never allow her to work on things with Jackson for anyone¡¯s sake after all she allowed and encouraged me to feel, and to know. Anya never misrepresented the state of her marriage¡ªthere was no doubt she never lied about that. What she did misrepresent was what she would do if someone gave her what she asked of them. After asking me to fight for her, our breakup was akin to a scrupulous sales person¡¯s bait and switch routine. Her children were in her life long before she made a date to tell me about her husband¡¯s transgressions. For her to use her kids as an excuse to stay with Jackson after two years of having an emotional bond with her was wrong. I didn¡¯t care if it was fifteen years later, a picture of her and Jackson should never be posted for my eyes to ever see¡ªnot after all she allowed and encouraged me to feel for her. Without question, I never wanted her kids to hate her, but I trusted her to never allow me to fall in love with her if that was even a remote possibility. There would only be one man in her life for the remainder of time that would last longer than her first marriage did. Posting a picture of her sitting on Jackson¡¯s lap, after all she left me with, after allowing me to fight for her, was the very essence of wrong.

    Anya left me to learn what I already knew before we met¡ªthe world revolves around money, not love. Those, who loved like I did, would only be left out in the cold. The green paper with pictures on it was all that mattered to people¡ªlove didn¡¯t mean a thing. Anya was right, marriage and love were unrealistic. In today¡¯s society, only having money made love a rational notion. As much as she tried to hide it from me, Anya believed in never being on a budget, not love.

    I didn¡¯t wreck marriages and didn¡¯t date married women. I made an exception for her trusting she would leave if she fell in love with me¡ªthat she would never put me in the position to be looked upon as such¡ªthat all she needed was someone to be there for her. The reality was she should¡¯ve left without anyone being there for her¡ªI gave her the real gift. There were no thrills in dating a married woman for me: I fell in love; deeply in love. Seeing married couples now, or even people who held hands, only inspires a head shake from me and the belief they had no clue what love really was. They just doll it up, making it look pretty for the masses, but none of them would ever die for it in the end. Money and sex, a form of legal prostitution is all love is these days yet these same people would judge me for loving a married woman¡ªfaulting me for knowing she was married and falling in love with her anyway, even though I wasn¡¯t the married one. Anya and Jackson would be always be viewed as the victims, and the one who loved was the villain in the story wanting to break up a family¡ªnobody¡¯s hero. Forever judged by perception, not by truth.

    I believed, maybe foolishly, if there was a God that I did nothing wrong in His eyes. Regardless of the times I¡¯ve been called immoral by the person who allowed and encouraged me to be such. Our society had it wrong about what constituted adultery, and if there truly was a God, I put my soul on the line for it. If Anya was never cheated on and she simply just fell out of love with Jackson, there was no escaping my sin. Even if she was cheated on but still loved Jackson hoping to make it work, my sin was undeniable¡ªbut I was told there was no marriage. That her husband had chipped her heart away for years and she hated her life. His careless decisions leaving her nothing more than a hollow shell. There was a reason why she met a man who believed in love¡ªto bring back into her life what she never should¡¯ve lost. Anya promised she would leave her husband if I swept her off her feet, and I had nearly two years worth of texts to prove I did just that, if not more. If she had told me, when we first met, we could never be together because it would hurt her kids and I still went for it, this pain was well deserved¡ªeven guilty of immorality. But my heart, eyes, ears and mind were genuinely and wholly on her heart the entire time, while believing her heart, eyes, ears and mind were on my heart as well.

    How could I let this love go when it was all I ever dreamt about? To share and hear all the things I did with and from her for over the last two years¡ªjust to see a picture of her with the man she told me she didn¡¯t love¡ªthat abused her emotionally enough to be in my arms, destroyed me inside more than cancer ever could. After she told me ¡°I don¡¯t trust him¡±, ¡°I don¡¯t love him¡±, ¡°I love you¡±, ¡°I want to wear your ring¡±, ¡°I want to be with you¡±, and ¡°You¡¯re my soulmate¡±, she allowed that picture to be seen by the world. I wish she had just put a bullet in my head; at least showing the decency to not let me suffer. If Anya saw me in a picture with the woman in my lap whose decisions led me to her, would she have trusted in my love? Would she have ever questioned my love if the roles were reversed? What did I do to deserve this picture being shown to the world? This is my reward for the loyalty and sacrifices I made? For the financial ruin I now found myself in? I deserved this after my thirty-page apology letter to her? For two years she led me to believe she couldn¡¯t live a day without me, that she missed me more than I knew. The hardest part now was knowing how easily she could and how much she didn¡¯t.

    After telling my mother about the letter, she hit me with a very important question¡ªwhat do you have to lose? Then following it up with ¡°If you love someone, you could never stand to be away from them¡±. If I had nothing to lose, nothing should stand in my way other than my respect for Katie and Andrew. Maybe Anya no longer deserved my respect after posting the picture, but they certainly did. I never wanted them to know about us¡ªthere was nothing to gain by it beyond it being wrong. Although it wasn¡¯t fair they went to bed blaming themselves for a marriage where the sole blame rested upon their parents, it was not my place to discuss it with them. As upset with Anya I was, I had no grounds nor a right to talk to their kids. Even if I knew them more than their father did, I¡¯ve never met them¡ªthis was between the adults to figure out.

    Consumed by a letter that had to be perfect, the daily eviction notices greeting me daily after work were taking a monster toll on me. As six weeks of working without pay made sure my voice mail was filled with collection calls, I ate Vicodin as if it were candy. Trying to combat the unfathomable rising stress, I reached out to Barney to discuss the article.

    ¡°Hey! Where the hell have ya been?¡± He greeted when picking up the phone. ¡°I haven¡¯t seen or heard from you in over a month!¡±

    ¡°I am really sorry, been extremely busy. How are you?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m great! You know, I started to do some paintings of sport figures and was planning to put together an art compilation.¡± he informed me excitedly.

    ¡°Very cool! How¡¯d you come up with the idea?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m a big fan of the old Sports Illustrated cover paintings¡ªJim Brown was my favorite SI cover player. So, I thought I¡¯d start painting sports figures again. It¡¯s in good timing with the article.¡± He elaborated. ¡°Speaking of which, how¡¯s the article comin¡¯ along? Have you spoken to Sal lately? He told me he¡¯s called you a few times.¡±

    Sal had called me so much it felt like a few hundred times. Hearing Barney¡¯s heart so set on the article, it put more pressure on me to tell him where I was at with it.

    ¡°I haven¡¯t had time to get back to him. Work has taken over my life right now.¡±

    ¡°Oh, I understand.¡± he said somewhat optimistically. ¡°You know, I know how Sal can be sometimes¡ªhe¡¯s relentless about art; especially passionate about my art in particular.¡±

    ¡°I can appreciate that.¡± I told him at the same time finding it ironic that Barney had left me just as many messages.

    ¡°I can¡¯t wait to see what you come up with.¡± exclaimed Barney.

    The great void inside now stymied anything I wanted to do for other people. I went out of my way for others and all they did was abandon me¡ªif they weren¡¯t posting pictures to wreck me, they were leaving me for dead. What was the real purpose for writing the article? So Barney and Sal could go out on the town, touting their accomplishments just to get laid? After receiving a barrage of calls and voice mails, that¡¯s what it sounded like to me. Barney was the town¡¯s treasure in my eyes and a damn good artist. He deserved all the recognition in the world for his work, but the Landyn that met him was no longer¡ªswallowed alive by a despair as deflating as a terminal cancer diagnosis.

    ¡°At this point Barney, I¡¯ll have to give my notes to my friend and have him reach out to you¡± I told him. ¡°I don¡¯t have the time to put the article together right now. I¡¯m just too busy and under a lot of stress financially. If I don¡¯t concentrate on work, I¡¯ll be living on the streets soon. I¡¯m very sorry, but I just can¡¯t devote any time to the article right now.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re broke?¡± he asked, incredulously. ¡°Aren¡¯t you a CPA?¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s a long story.¡± I sighed. ¡°If I keep talking about it, I¡¯ll never get past it.¡±

    ¡°Oh, well, I don¡¯t want anyone other than you to write it.¡± He reiterated.

    ¡°I¡¯m overwhelmed¡­I don¡¯t know when I¡¯d be able to find the time.¡±

    ¡°You write it when you have time.¡± he assured me. ¡°I¡¯ll be patient.¡±

    My heart broke for Barney, knowing he felt inspired to paint sports figures again because of the attention the article could bring him. This letter put me in survival mode¡ªmy heart and mind too far away to write the article he deserved. If Barney and his sidekick hadn¡¯t pressured me nearly daily, I might have been able to, but I couldn¡¯t give them what they clearly wanted now. I even told him there were no guarantees, even if the article were written, it would be published in the magazine. It got me thinking how Anya must¡¯ve felt the same way at times¡ªwhy she felt it was better to walk away than keep holding on. The difference was though, I wasn¡¯t in love¡ªI only reluctantly agreed to write the article. Not to mention, I never asked Barney and Sal to fight for me to write the article. No, this was an apple to grape comparison.

    ¡°It won¡¯t be for months, Barney.¡± I admitted. ¡°Maybe even over a year.¡±

    ¡°I understand.¡± he sighed. ¡°It would¡¯ve been nice, but I appreciate how busy you are.¡±

    ¡°If something in my schedule changes, I¡¯ll let you know.¡±

    ¡°Alright.¡± he said, sounding deflated before hanging up the phone.

    After getting off the phone with Barney, it felt awful to let him down, but my emotions were wrecking me. His article deserved the time and attention I just couldn¡¯t give it, too devastated over not only the loss of my relationship with Anya, but my belief in the authenticity of people and love. There was a ton more at stake than losing the only person I ever truly connected with on every level; the only person who made me feel whole and accepted by the world¡ªthe only time I ever felt special to anyone. This letter held the power to destroy my ecosystem and all I ever believed in¡ªlove. There was nothing left to construct if Anya were to prove she never loved me the way she claimed to. If she revealed that truth to me, then all I could do was disappear from her life, completely and forever. No more letters. No more CD¡¯s. No more false hope.

    Even as I struggled greatly, I still held that what we had was real and special. But, every day that passed, her silence only proved otherwise¡ªif it was even love at all. Living that possibility day in and day out, until the picture worth a thousand tears imploded all that ever mattered. Sure, it was possible, even likely that Jackson forced her to post the picture, but Anya had left me with the reality of face value. She never texted me to warn me about it, or wrote me to tell me she was sorry but she had to do it for her kids. Her silence seemed to prove what I always feared¡ªshe loved me only because of the condition it forever remain a secret. The truth was right before me, the same one others tried desperately to make me aware of, yet staunchly refusing to believe it. Our love was so special, Anya chose to stay with a philanderer¡ªthe man who cheated on her several times. There was no convincing her that the only reason he remained loyal now was because he didn¡¯t want to lose half of what he built. Not because of his kids or a great love he had for her. After all my sacrifices and suffering, the path I fought for her to take she completely ignored, choosing to listen to others who didn¡¯t know the truth. People she couldn¡¯t be honest with because of the wealth they accumulated through them. She loved me only as her confidant, and for nothing more.

    It was an act of a higher power for me to give Anya a chance after all my failures with women before meeting her. I trusted her love in a situation she hid behind. Even when I doubted, I still trusted in her words that she was only there for the kids; that there was no marriage. The picture she had posted on her Facebook profile was the darkest of betrayals after being asked to fight for her. Only the Universe knew how many other pics she had proudly shown off to her friends, while I remained paralyzed at home unable to cope with the mere thought she would ever do such a thing¡ªeven after receiving a thirty-page apology letter from me. And what were those neighborhood parties like? The thought of her parading him around as the perfect husband and couple made me nauseous, especially after being told there is no marriage. Galivanting around with her hand in his as if my life didn¡¯t even fucking matter. It made me even sicker to think all my heart had to endure when she went to Spain with him, let alone all the nights they shared the same bed. Yet, I still trusted her and believed in her love. My reward for my loyalty? A picture of her on the lap of a pig¡ªthe one she told me horrible things about to hook me. Only loving me to hide the truth that she didn¡¯t love me.

    After finishing the letter, I asked my mother what if I¡¯m wrong about all of this? She didn¡¯t hesitate firing back at me.

    ¡°What if you¡¯re not?¡±

    It made me realize her love only existed because the relationship was entirely on her terms. Whenever those terms and conditions were threatened to be altered, so did her love for me. Anya¡¯s response to my thirty-page letter was five sentences written on pretty stationary¡ªthe cold truth about the difference in our feelings for each other. She only loved me as long as her situation at home remained intact. The kids were just a good excuse, but it was Jackson¡¯s money affording them all a budget less lifestyle was why she ultimately stayed. Her kids were too spoiled to accept change because the only values being taught to them was the value of money. Anya was only drawn to fakes and magic, and I was too real for her to have truly loved me. I could bring the magic to her, but never the phoniness her heart needed to love me.

    I wanted to be wrong about all I felt¡ªthe real reason behind writing the letter. My love for her didn¡¯t change, it couldn¡¯t¡ªjust my acceptance of her love for me. I had to do something to inspire the truth from her. I had to do something that would leave no doubt she loved me or not, so I could do what I needed to do. I couldn¡¯t ask her to choose an honest life if I was never brave enough to do the same. How would I be able to inspire her to be honest with me though? What did I have to do to make sure she responded with the answers I needed from her? Would I be willing to accept the finality of it all?

    Then it came to me to do the unthinkable¡ªan unimaginable scenario until now. The only thing that would work to learn the truth and to tame the chaos inside. The last thing I wanted to do¡ªthe very thing that would destroy me forever. It was time to lay everything on the line.

 CHAPTER 29 ~ THE ARTIST

    ¡°I spend so much time.

    Believing all the lies,

    To keep the dream alive.

    Now it makes me sad.

    It makes me mad at truth

    For loving what was you.¡±

    ¡°Eyes Without A Face¡± ~ Billy Idol

    Dearest Anya,

    I would ¡®ve written you sooner but I have quite a bit to say in light of the picture of you and Jackson on your Facebook profile, so if all I have is one shot, I wanted to make sure I get it all out. I¡¯ve written quite a bit in my life, but this is by far the hardest thing I¡¯ve ever had to write. I¡¯m sure these letters are just as hard for you to read as they are for me to write, so I¡¯m sensitive to that. This will be the last letter you will ever receive from me unless you determine differently.

    It¡¯s been over a year now since we last spoke, and well over a year since the last time we saw each other. I must admit I¡¯m having a harder time with it being fall and with the holidays coming up because I remember how happy I used to feel this time of year when you were in my life¡ªthe only time I¡¯ve never felt sad and alone during the holidays. Rainy days are a killer on the heart because it¡¯s impossible not to think about you; everyday still a struggle even over a year later, but that¡¯s just par for the course with this heart of mine. Some days are good, just because I don¡¯t feel as paralyzed from the missing but they are far and few in between. Anyway, I¡¯m sure you¡¯ve been able to clear your head quite a bit during this time, but I had to go through some changes in my life in order to clear my head enough so I¡¯d be able to articulate how I feel and felt without sounding irrational and illogical to you. I¡¯d like you to know I stopped taking Zoloft and stopped talking to a therapist about 8 months ago. The Zoloft was not making me care too much, even about really important things in my life, like finding a new job and working out. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that as you read this.

    There are never-ending echoes of some of the things you¡¯ve ever said or texted me that find their way into my head everyday, so this is why I want you to know the details of what I¡¯m going to share with you. I want you to know this first though: EVERYTHING professionally worked out for me. My professional life is pretty much an 8 right now and climbing, and it has NEVER been that way for me. I¡¯m even taking a shot at starting my own practice now. I promised myself after I lost my job that I¡¯ll never be dependent on anyone for a paycheck again, and learned my true value will never be fully realized sitting behind a desk working for someone else, never taking advantage of what I feel are my most valuable attributes. I¡¯m looking to build the tax side of my practice early next year and go from there. Years ago. I passed my CPA exam on the toughest pathway so I can practice in any state and since I have Attest experience I can sign audit reports, which really raises the potential for more opportunities than other CPA¡¯s have. I¡¯m only telling you this stuff so you know that things are looking up for me, but the truth is this; I simply lost my last job because I lost my focus due to our relationship. I gave this career 10 years of my life, including years of study, not only to build a good reputation in the business community but to also establish a solid network for my future in the profession. I¡¯m not blaming you for me losing my job, that¡¯s not what I¡¯m implying or saying, I blame my heart, but I wanted you to know why I became insensitive and acted out of character. Unfortunately, we had a disagreement one day and I broke down in my office, I tried to go outside to hide, but I couldn¡¯t get away in time and someone saw it. Word then got around the office that ¡°something is wrong with Landyn¡±. I lied, told everyone it was my Mom, but I then confided in ONE very trusted co-worker as to what I was going through. My job was completely mental and I really needed to get it off my chest. If I didn¡¯t, I would¡¯ve never gotten through all my work that day. Since my confidant and I were both up for a promotion to Partner at the end of the year, he took our extremely private conversation as an opportunity to pull ahead of me for partner consideration, and decided to share this information with the 3 equity partners of the firm. For the most part of my final months there, and without me even knowing but suspecting something was different, everyone at the firm, from the admin staff all the way up to the partners knew not only was I seeing a married woman, but also one who co-owned a business in Irvine with her husband-- Jackson Caiaphas, our firm¡¯s largest client. Since they a growing and very conservative large local CPA firm in Orange County, they decided it best to let me go. Without knowing the story but finding it easier to pass judgment on me instead, they decided to do everything in their power to get me to quit (a question of my integrity). When that didn¡¯t work after working my butt off (taking on the worst assignments, plus working weekends and even fifteen-hour days) to meet their ridiculous deadlines and budgets, they decided to blame the economy initially. After telling them there was something more to this, they came clean about the true reason for my firing. Our relationship made them think I was a dishonest guy, and therefore make a questionable business partner. Two of the three equity partners came from divorced families and decided not to judge me by the merit of the work I did for them over the years, but to generalize my situation without considering the person I am. I went from being revered by these partners to being ostracized. To say I wasn¡¯t irritated by their judgment of me would be an understatement considering how hard I¡¯ve worked for them. It just felt like the whole world was crashing down on me, and no one cared. I didn¡¯t lose my job for the time I took off so we could see each other, that was never an issue, but during our problems, I was only sleeping 2 ¨C3 hours every single night if I was lucky. I was super fatigued and under a great deal of pressure and stress so I just wasn¡¯t myself with the way I¡¯d handle our disagreements. I was seriously at the point in our relationship that if I lost you, I would¡¯ve without a doubt, been fired because of the depression that most certainly would have followed; I would have then lost ALL focus. This is why I would get upset when you would let me go and why I held on. I¡¯ve worked hard on all my jobs, not just this one, and my previous work history was stellar. But, being fired from this job would¡¯ve simply ruined my future in the profession, and even more importantly, our future. Unfortunately, what I do for a living is purely mental, and there was no refuge unless I was on vacation. I was dealing with complex issues and analyses everyday, and also having to interact face-to-face with clients, partners, managers, investment bankers and bank reps non-stop. There was no escape for me. I tried to hide this from you. I didn¡¯t want you to know what I was going through because I felt you¡¯d feel bad or responsible. It was not your burden; it was mine to get a handle on, and I thought I could handle it. I wanted you to be with me only because you were in love with me, so I never mentioned it until my ¡°cut up, can¡¯t move¡± texts. I was beyond desperate and stressed out after being fired, something I tried to hide from you, but I had an extremely hard time being sensitive to your situation and feelings, getting very upset with you, leading me to question and read into every little thing. I just knew if I at the very least received some sort of promise, I¡¯d be able to get through it simply by getting some much needed real sleep to regain my focus, and be mentally alert the next day. As unfair as this probably is to write or feel, you were the only one who could save me. Not that I wasn¡¯t doing well professionally before I met you, but with you in my life I simply flourished, and it set me apart from the rest of the pack. Having you in my life made me love my job because I loved my life. I always knew if my heart was filled with happiness, success would easily follow. I was truly happy in this life because of you. You were truly my everything, and you inspired me to succeed, excelling at work because of how you made me feel about myself. You gave me validation in this life and a confidence I never had, but I feel that is a natural feeling to have when you truly are in love with someone and inspired to be with them. So, whenever you showed ambivalence or threatened to let me go, it was like handing me a death sentence at that point because of all the life you brought me. I know I shouldn¡¯t depend on you for my happiness, but I think that¡¯s a huge part of what love is all about. I¡¯m sure you can attest to that, carrying around empty feelings for so long. The only reason I did finally break down to go see a therapist and get on Zoloft was in an effort to regain my focus, save my job, my career and to us¡ªto hopefully get back to where we both were happy again to have each other. I used my low self-esteem as the main excuse because I didn¡¯t want you to know I was losing focus on my job. I was upset about feeling the need to take an anti-depressant, but if it could save us and my job, it was worth it. That¡¯s why I reacted the way I did in SF with what you told me at dinner, but I just took it wrong. I overreacted because what I was going through with work and it compounded my frustration. You told me several times you feel responsible for this, and that¡¯s not why I shared this with you. For love, I¡¯m willing to lose. I can honestly tell you that losing my job will eventually turn out to be the best thing that¡¯s ever happened to me professionally. I work for a large private recognized company and have already done things in their accounting and finance department that have never been done in its history. I work with fun, down to earth, great people who appreciate the work I do for them. I make more money and I don¡¯t have to travel. I have a chance to leave my stamp on the company every day, and it¡¯s been very rewarding. In fact, it¡¯s been a godsend. So, I can say this, if I never fell in love with you, I would¡¯ve never been happy professionally because I never would¡¯ve taken a chance on realizing my true potential or value. Now, the sky is truly the limit. I really counted on that job to take care of you, especially with the significant salary jump I¡¯d had gotten with the promotion, and to help you out as much as I could if you left. I just figured it would be extra money for you on top of everything else so that¡¯s why I never felt money would be an issue with us, and you wouldn¡¯t have to work part-time or even be on a budget. Without my job, I no longer had a realistic chance of being with you, and I was afraid you¡¯d judge me for that. We talked about how ¡°money¡± and the ability to generate income were important to men. Money is really no big deal to me, but I know it¡¯s important to you, as it should be with kids, so it was important to me. If I lost my job and then you, my life wouldn¡¯t have any real meaning anymore. It just put me in a bad spot and I wasn¡¯t the Landyn you met or even the one I knew.

    As you can probably tell, I¡¯m having a hard time letting go. I don¡¯t think you ever understood why I questioned your love for me and why I acted irrationally (why I formed my own conclusions and truths). It¡¯s also harder for me because of the way things went down and the paralysis I feel even a year later. In my defense, I just really trusted that you were not happy there at all because of the betrayal (not even happy when your kids are happy), and you wouldn¡¯t pursue something with me that would be looked upon as ¡°breaking up a family¡± or ¡°immoral¡± (You used to call me your hero and your hope), especially considering I left you one time before (there was a 5 month gap before we reconnected so I didn¡¯t feel we jumped into anything), and after you shared the lives of your kids with me. I know you never misled me about not knowing and you were COMPLETELY fair with how you communicated that to me. You always had important conversations with me in person, which was very thoughtful and respectful, but as time passed, it began to feel you misrepresented how you truly felt about love in general, and your belief in our love. As a result, I naturally started to question your feelings for me. I was upset to learn after falling hard for you that the reason you¡¯re there was not because you were afraid no one would want to be with you because you had two kids, or that you felt you might get cheated on again, but rather because you were afraid to be held responsible for breaking up a family. That if I fell in love, and wanted to be with the one I love, that I¡¯d also be promoting you to hurt your kids. By telling me about the infidelities, I fell very deeply because I fully trusted that our love was about me versus a distrustful marriage to a deceitful husband and never be looked upon as me versus your kids. It¡¯s why I felt a bit betrayed and lost trust. I then further drew from what two other women did to me in the past because it started to feel similar (just because they were not averse to the affection but averse in making a commitment to me). In all fairness, you also drew from what you learned from men in the past as well because I felt you would test me quite a bit (¡°hard to believe you¡¯re for real.¡±) but it never affected me because I knew I was for real. I think I was naturally perceived as being like every other man you¡¯ve ever met who¡¯s okay with affection yet averse to commitment. I was honest about who I was the very first night I met you, and even though you met me at a bar, I don¡¯t go to bars for the same reason most men are there for but began feeling lumped into the same group. Anybody can share a physical connection with someone, but I prefer an emotional connection as well¡ªsomething you¡¯re not used to. I think it¡¯s fair to say we both punished each other because of our past experiences. You might laugh at this, but I KNOW I¡¯m one of the most understanding men you¡¯ll ever meet, but Anya, what you withheld from me prevented me from being as understanding as I promised you I would be. When I told you, I would be a ¡°big boy¡±, it was based on all you had told me up to that point. I had no idea if you fell in love with me that you would pit me and our love, a love you called ¡°special¡± and ¡°out of this world¡±, against your kids. That upset me about because it felt like you judged me, but if you were in love with me, there should be no judgment.

    I know you told me from the start you couldn¡¯t promise me anything and that you were married, I understand that. But the words ¡°I love you¡± had to mean something because those words meant everything to me. They just had to stand for something to me, and pitting me against the kids, made me feel those words had less meaning. How could one ever pit their children against someone they love? The only way someone could do that was if there was something they didn¡¯t love about them. I don¡¯t want you to think I didn¡¯t understand, I do, but you have to understand that unbending point of view is going to upset anyone you claim to love. If it was ever going to be a decision between them or me instead of them and me, I¡¯d rather you have not tried¡ªa battle I¡¯d never want to win in the first place. I¡¯d never want your kids to hate you, but unfortunately that wasn¡¯t what was communicated to me when we met and when we decided to give this a try. As much as it hurts, I have to tell myself the reason you withheld so much from me was because you wanted to feel happiness again. So, I can understand why you didn¡¯t tell me this stuff until after, but I really wish you had so I could¡¯ve acted like the ¡°big boy¡± I promised you to be. You didn¡¯t really give me a fair shake there. That¡¯s why I always asked for brutal honesty even if it hurts me. By telling you this, I only wanted you to know why I wasn¡¯t the big boy I promised you to be. If you spot this story on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

    I¡¯ve never read a Jane Austen novel, and never knew what ¡°Bridges in Madison County¡± was about until I met you. I¡¯m a very picky guy, and the reason I am so picky is not because I think I¡¯m the greatest thing that¡¯s ever walked the earth, but because I know what it means to love someone--what it means to commit for a lifetime. I don¡¯t approach women not because I lack confidence, but because I fear they truly don¡¯t understand what it means to be in love with someone. From all I¡¯ve seen and learned, it seems that it¡¯s all about what someone can take and not about what someone can give anymore. It seems women only see what they can touch and are more than willing to sacrifice self-respect (why they go for the jerks) in order to have things and be part of a social circle even if it¡¯s full of fake people. I know not all women are like this, and I know the men out there aren¡¯t much better and inspire their behavior. But the women that came into my life before meeting you have been that way, so I¡¯ve stayed an arms distance away. The night I met you I was ecstatic¡ªfinally, a woman who got it. A woman who actually learned what I always believed to be true. Who understood it wasn¡¯t money or things that brought happiness but how someone makes you feel inside about yourself that does. I really believed in your love and us. I trusted in your pain and that you knew the pain of non-monogamy and disloyalty¡ªthat you respected the mental anguish of having your heart broken. That it was something you never wanted to go through again. Giving you a chance was not done out of pity but out of compassion and out of trust for all the things you told me. It was done out of love and I¡¯ve loved you since the day I met you. Unexpectedly, one day I woke up with deeper feelings; the pain increased, and so did the feelings of fear. You then became a need, and I needed to know if you were for real. I only wanted to be with you. If I didn¡¯t love you so much, I wouldn¡¯t have cared. I never wanted to be with anyone else nor was there anyone else. I just wanted something to be real for once in my life, and if you truly loved me, I felt it should be you.

    I would also like to explain the other reason I changed and acted the way I did. Besides my feelings growing stronger, what also changed me over time was that you still didn¡¯t know. Since you never knew, I feared there was a chance you also didn¡¯t know if you were in love with me. I then started to get the feeling you didn¡¯t need me, but only my love (emotional support). That you were only in love with the feeling of being in love again, and not truly in love with me. My heart refused to believe this because of the way you loved me, but when I started to have trouble focusing at work, my mind forced me to consider the possibility. Then, just like you would ask yourself about me, I started to ask myself if you were for real. I know I don¡¯t need to state this, but you¡¯re as beautiful as they come (it didn¡¯t matter if you had clothes or make-up on or not). Since the day I met you, a jealous sunset is an everyday event. Unfortunately, because I¡¯ve never had any real positive reinforcement, I¡¯ve never been able to build the self-esteem to ignore the cold hard fact¡ªif you were single, you would have a much larger pool of available men to choose from, and deservingly so. This then led me to consider the reality of the situation¡ªI was just one man in a very limited group of available men who would consider pursuing a loving (as opposed to lustful) relationship with you due to your situation. I offered you something unique, something only a woman in a long intimacy less marriage would appreciate; romance. Never being married, I was ignorant to a roommate situation in a marriage with kids due to a lack of privacy (I only considered the betrayal), and how that also changes a relationship. I then began to feel I was only ¡°handsome¡±, and ¡°amazing¡± to you only because you still had the things your marriage provided you and the kids with, and because your love for me remained a secret (I let you have the best of both worlds). There seemed to be nothing special about me other than that fact. I then started to lose faith in believing a beautiful woman and person, who really can get any guy she wants, would ever want to be with me if other options were available to her. I¡¯m not saying you were looking, I¡¯m just saying I so happened to be there to offer you something different. It then started to seem, as more time passed and since you still didn¡¯t know, that you were only unhappy in your marriage because you feel it¡¯s inequitable (your assumed roles versus his) and not because of the betrayal at all as evidenced by you still sleeping with him (which surprised me, but I was in too deep when I learned this). It then began to seem the betrayal only made you angry during those days when the assumed roles were blatantly one sided, and you were under a lot of stress because of it (when you¡¯re always behind and unable to catch up because you¡¯re running the kids around). That you loved me as much as you did only because you could with no kids around (a unique gift I gave you); that the lack of intimacy in your marriage wasn¡¯t because of the betrayal, but because of a loss of privacy. As the days mounted, and you still weren¡¯t any closer to knowing, these were things I began to consider, prompting me to form my own conclusions in your eyes. Acknowledging this apparent truth, would only upset me, leading me to react in kind. Of course, I was going to believe you were in love with me because that¡¯s what my heart wanted to believe. Even when it felt like I questioned it, I still truly believed you did because I believe in love. There was just no way someone could be that affectionate towards me, care so much about how I¡¯m doing everyday and not be in love with me.

    I always blamed myself after every disagreement we had, as evidenced by the apology letter I sent you. However, upon seeing the picture you posted, I now feel there¡¯s a difference between loving someone and being ¡°in love¡± with someone. I know you felt I wanted you now, but that¡¯s not true. I could¡¯ve been more patient, but I just needed you to show me something by looking at things more positively, even if it was years down the road. It would¡¯ve comforted me to know your hopes, wishes and dreams were for real, and I could trust in them. And most importantly, that what we shared was truly special to you. At least by attempting to know, if I had to wait or even if it happened or not, you throw the ball in my court. Then if I acted the way I did, it would be easy to understand how you could feel I ruined your life and broke your heart. I understand how I broke your heart with the way I acted, but I don¡¯t understand how I could be accused of having ruined your life or your hope without any kind of promise. I felt if you could stay even when the kids are gone, and you could even stomach me being in love with someone else, something just didn¡¯t feel right about that when the very thought of you being in love with someone else makes me want to die. One day I¡¯d hear I was your wish, hope and dream and then the next day I¡¯d hear you don¡¯t want to give me false hope. I felt that kind of view towards us wasn¡¯t consistent with being ¡°in love¡± with me. So, I became lost about what you wanted, even feeling like my heart was played with. I¡¯m not accusing you of having played with my heart, I¡¯m just saying it felt that way. When you add the stress and fatigue I was under, it just compounded the feeling. I hope this makes sense to you. The bottom line is I understand the way I acted was wrong, and know you¡¯re still upset with me about it. I know in that sense I shattered your heart, and I¡¯m sorry.

    If there is one thing, I wish you had done, I wish you had drilled into this head of mine that if he knew you were in love with me that he would threaten to tell the kids¡ªeveryday if you had to. You told me he wasn¡¯t a ¡°monster¡± and he knows this is ¡°his fault¡± so I couldn¡¯t imagine he¡¯d even consider that after all the wrong he¡¯s done. I¡¯ll tell you this much, if my wife cheated on me and led me to actions that left me to feel I betrayed my kids for wanting to be happy, and she threatened to tell the kids about what I did, she¡¯d be history¡ªthat would be worse than the infidelity itself. Since he got into my Face book account, I felt it was the same thing as contacting me¡ªhe just did it in an indirect way. I¡¯ve got to know you for 2 years¡ªyou¡¯re a good person. Again, my birthday was all I needed to know about the warmth of your heart. I find comfort in the fact that this was no competition, but if he¡¯s going to hurt you or try to provoke me, I hope he knows I¡¯m not going to stand for that.

    You told me one night that ¡°I¡¯m alone tonight¡± and ¡°I don¡¯t do too well with silence sometimes¡±. Please understand that was my life everyday. I believe that feeling can carry two forms; feeling alone and being alone. All I can say is it¡¯s maddening to truly feel both especially when you¡¯re deeply in love with someone and they¡¯re deeply in love with you. Anya, you are surrounded by love everyday; family, neighbors, your kids and even Suki. Take those things away and I think you would understand how much you meant to me, and how it could drive you crazy. Sure, I have my parents and some good friends, but they aren¡¯t around me everyday. No one wants to be alone or go back to loneliness especially after they meet someone like you or fall deeply in love. After all I¡¯ve gone through with women in the past, I really needed this love to be real¡ªto mean something. You didn¡¯t have to leave to be with me right at that moment, but I really needed you to know someday; just someway so I could put my complete faith in it. I can listen to every song you¡¯ve ever burned for me on the Ipod you gave me, but I can¡¯t listen to them with you, so tell me how can it ever be real? This is such a catch-22 for me. With me in your life, always giving you the best of both worlds with the relationship strictly on your terms, you¡¯d never have an incentive to know let alone leave. I was so vested though; I could never find the strength to let you go to find out. Plus, I didn¡¯t want to lose my job, along with my promotion to partner¡ªthe money I needed to take care of you with. I know you tried to let me go but the problem with that was it didn¡¯t feel like love to me¡ªI would¡¯ve lost my job and the ten years of hard work behind it. I hoped you¡¯d see how much you needed me in your life, fearing if you could live without me for one day, then it could¡¯ve never been love. True love could never stand to be away from one another for a single day let alone four hundred of them. When you said him knowing would end us, it confirmed my worst fears. I can¡¯t point fingers because I have to blame my heart for this. I have to blame my belief in love. Even though I felt our love was inequitable, I still accepted it because I believed love would find a way, and was willing to go through the darkest hell to be with you in heaven one day. But when I started losing focus at work, which was unexpected, my feelings only grew deeper. I just didn¡¯t feel I was asking for too much to be with someone I love, who was in love with me too one day. That¡¯s just the way I felt about it.

    I¡¯m hoping this letter will help you understand a little better why I felt the way I did. You told me one time in a text the following about love;

    ¡°Love is selfless, patient, understanding, honest, protective, comforting, giving and forgiving.¡±

    This was one my favorite texts from you, and I agree with you 100%. During the last year, I¡¯ve been able to take a step back, and I¡¯m hoping you can better understand where I was coming from. It¡¯s not about being wrong or right¡ªthat¡¯s not what this letter is about. It¡¯s about wanting to be wrong more than anything, but the silence is deafening. For the last year I¡¯ve been ridden with guilt about questioning your love for me to the point of paralysis, but the last thirteen months have made me realize how saying ¡°I love you¡± and showing affection for someone is not what love is all about. You did that so well that it blinded my heart to the other component of love; knowing what it means. In adding to your definition, I believe love knows no shame, only pride. Love makes a stand and is courageous especially in the light of being betrayed by someone you don¡¯t trust; therefore, I feel love would¡¯ve said ¡°F*ck you, Jackson¡± not ¡°F*ck you, Landyn¡±. Love would¡¯ve never allowed him to stop us from being together or seeing each other for even a single day. It simply would¡¯ve told him to live with it or leave¡ªeverything isn¡¯t anything when you¡¯re in love with someone. Love shows comfort by catching the ones who fall; it doesn¡¯t let them go. Love when found is never left to destiny or chance because love simply morphs into a need, leading to a promise to shout my name from the rooftops one day. In this day and age of the Internet, love would¡¯ve found a way to slip up and keep in touch; someway, somehow. Lastly, I feel love would¡¯ve known so it was possible to say hi to Katie and Andrew one day. Love makes knowing easy. By saying these things, I¡¯m not saying you didn¡¯t care about me--I know you did. I¡¯m not even saying you didn¡¯t love me because it felt like love to you. I¡¯m just saying being in love has a deeper meaning. Hon, of course you were going to fall in love with me because it was love only on your terms. I would¡¯ve fell in love with someone easily who let me have the best of both worlds too, but the truth may be that was the only thing that made me beautiful, special and amazing¡ªthe only thing that made it feel like true love to you. Please don¡¯t ever question my love. There isn¡¯t a day that goes by that I don¡¯t die faster and miss you. You truly are special. I stand by every loving text I ever sent you, and I would stand up for you no matter the cost¡ªyou didn¡¯t have to love me to have that. I just don¡¯t think, at this point, you were truly ¡°in love¡± with me, that¡¯s all. I think you would have to know what it¡¯s like to truly love someone with your heart and soul, with your everything, all you have, all you are and all you hope will be, without a single minute of any single day of that love being on your terms; without a single promise of a future together to understand what love truly is, to know the frustration I felt. If you knew anything about me, you knew I never wanted to hurt you, but you¡¯re right, I would continue to do so; I would continue to question your love if you could never make me a promise. When I said you would know what ¡°the truth means and means very soon¡±, it was meant more for me, not for you.

    If this letter hurts you, I¡¯m sorry. It¡¯s not my intent to hurt you, and I spent months on this thing, writing and rewriting so it wouldn¡¯t. It¡¯s only purpose is to help you understand how I felt because I don¡¯t think you realized this at all. Anya, the ashes are a nice thought, but I feel it¡¯s done more out of an act of guilt rather than an act of love. I feel if I¡¯m not worthy of being with you in this lifetime, I don¡¯t think I¡¯ll ever be worthy of that honor even in the afterlife. Please don¡¯t confuse your kids¡ªyou don¡¯t owe me anything, and I know you have a good heart. There¡¯s a monster part of me that wants to be wrong about all I¡¯ve written, so if I am, I need you to set me straight. But, if you¡¯re working on your marriage, and that¡¯s the message to me behind the profile picture you posted, I already have my answer. I gave you a unique gift, but you decided to look upon us being together as breaking up a family and hurting kids instead. I can¡¯t trust in that being love, and that¡¯s why we are where we are today. You never had to know at all, but if you stayed for any reason, it¡¯s not right to be upset at me for questioning your love and forming my own truths and conclusions, especially if you would¡¯ve done nothing to stop him from not allowing us to happen.

    If I¡¯m wrong, tell me so. I¡¯m open-minded¡ªI¡¯m still in love with you. My love for you was real, but as long as you plan to never prove me wrong, then there¡¯s only one thing I ask of you; to please let me go and to never look back by returning the necklace to me. If you felt our love betrayed your kids, I¡¯d hate for you to keep a reminder of that, if that¡¯s the way you felt about our love¡ªespecially if you¡¯re working on your marriage and no longer have feelings for me. No hard feelings because I fault this heart of mine for believing in something people just don¡¯t have the courage to believe in or trust anymore. I know you didn¡¯t mean to intentionally hurt me because you just didn¡¯t know what love means, and you had a poor teacher. I promise you will never hear from me again. Take care.

    My address is below;

    741 Buckinglane Way

    Unit F

    Newport Beach, CA 92603

    Me

 CHAPTER 30 ~ THE HEART PENDANT

    ¡°I did what I thought was right

    All for the love of my life

    I know it¡¯s sad but true.

    Something is very wrong.

    Condemned to suffer so long.

    For a love so true.¡±

    ~ ¡°A Question of Heaven¡± Iced Earth

    I finished the letter on the 28<sup>th</sup> of November, put it in the mail on the 29<sup>th</sup> so she would receive it on November 30<sup>th¡ª </sup>the date we reconnected. I wrote it on pretty stationary, a nod to the letter she wrote me. I hated to ask her for the necklace back and never considered doing so until she posted the pic of her on Jackson¡¯s lap. For her to believe for a second that our love, a love she led me to believe was special and one I put my heart and soul into, betrayed her kids, there was no other option left but the unthinkable. If Anya did send it back, I''d then put it up on E-bay in order to survive with the remnants of my heart she left me with. Holding onto it would only remind me of what I didn¡¯t have. After my eyes witnessed the picture of her sitting cozily on the lap of the man she told me horrible things about to put her hooks in me, it went against the very reason I spent time getting the necklace for her in the first place. If she never wanted the necklace to be something of a promise from me, that¡¯s fine. But a woman with any sincere intentions to be with me would¡¯ve wanted it to mean that much and more. The woman I came to know and love, was simply not the same person I gave the necklace to.

    The last thing our love should¡¯ve ever represented to her was a betrayal of her kids after allowing and encouraging me to fall madly in love with her. And if that was what she felt about our love, then why continue to hold on to the necklace? If she had any plans to post that picture, especially after sending her a thirty-page apology letter, she should¡¯ve sent it back to me before she posted it. I didn¡¯t want to blame her for what I faced now because I hoped to be wrong about her love for me. But the last thirteen months should have brought her enough clarity to realize what I asked her in the letter¡ªto never shield me from the truth like one of her kids. If she returned the necklace, it would prove I wasn¡¯t crazy for ever questioning her love¡ªthat she gaslighted me into believing I formed my own truths and conclusions. That all along, my truth and conclusions were both fair, accurate and just; that the reason our love didn¡¯t work out was because she didn¡¯t know what love was. Only feeling like love to her because everything she received from me was on her terms, and not on mine. That she only loved me as a confidant and nothing more¡ªpart of a small pool of available men who would give her that, even allowing her to stay in her marriage. For two years I believed she knew what love was because of all she experienced with Jackson. That money and things held no greater value anymore¡ªsomething she taught her kids. I don¡¯t know if she played me for a fool, but it¡¯s as close to playing someone for a fool as one could come. If she sent me the necklace back, it would confirm my gut feeling and instinct that she didn¡¯t love me as she claimed. That time allowed her to see what I started to see¡ªthat love meant a lot more than not wanting to face anything anymore. If Jackson would never allow us to be together and she would honor that, then she had no business asking me to fight for her. She owed me my life back by being honest.

    Reluctantly checking my mail box every day, by December 4<sup>th</sup>, she still had not responded to my letter. I¡¯m sure she needed time to digest it¡ªit likely caught her off guard, needing time to consult with Carolyn and Debbie to get their advice. I didn¡¯t want the necklace back and felt like an asshole asking for it, but my need for truth destroyed my noble quality. If I had known she felt our love betrayed her kids, I would¡¯ve never sent her a necklace¡ªhaving no clue she asked for something to wear of mine on fairly false grounds. Her love for me simply should¡¯ve never felt as if she betrayed her kids if it was ¡°special¡± and ¡°out of this world¡±-- her own words, not mine. She also should¡¯ve never invited me to Laguna Beach, San Diego, or San Francisco, let alone share with me all she did, if she felt our love betrayed her kids in any way. I would¡¯ve never fallen for her nor allowed myself to be a part of this, not because I didn¡¯t care for her, but because I¡¯d never want her to feel she betrayed her kids. She threw me unto the tracks of an oncoming subway with her words, and nothing a woman ever did to me, or said to me, had ever sounded more loveless¡ªand it came from the only woman who ever loved me. Who only accepted me for me because she didn¡¯t really have to be with me. If she was working on her marriage and posting pics of her jackass husband on Facebook, things she knew hurt me badly, then just have the decency to send me back my necklace before doing so. Especially after receiving a CD of love songs from me.

    What hurt the most is realizing how much she never respected my feelings and emotions. That she looked at my love as unrealistic, discounting all I ever felt for her. More than anything, I trusted her to never pit our love against her kids, a battle I would never want to win let alone have a chance at ever winning, and she did just that. If she did plan to send the necklace back, I¡¯d rather she not write me anything¡ªI don¡¯t want to read ¡°You¡¯ll meet someone new¡±; she has no grounds to say that to me. Her ¡°love¡± for me would be a complete disregard for my heart, and she could never say anything to me that had value ever again. I didn¡¯t fall in love with her for the sake of falling in love¡ªI fell in love to be with her. She told me I was her hero, then misled me to continue to do hero things for her. So many hero things it left me empty¡ªa complete zero. If she did write me back, she had to acknowledge what she did was wrong. If she wanted me to let her go, she needed to communicate something that would help me in that direction¡ªscrapping the ego her wealthy husband gave her and accept her responsibility in this, the same way I accepted mine in a thirty-page written apology.

    I never asked her to leave her kids to be with me and never pushed her to run away each time she told me she felt like doing so--if she truly loved me her heart would follow. If she ever believed money didn¡¯t lead to happiness, why did she never consider teaching her kids that it did was betraying them too? Anya could¡¯ve vouched for me in so many ways, but she never did. I gave her the thingie under the condition she was truly in love with me, and not because I was her confidant and her love existed on the condition of secrecy. That she knew what love was and what it meant to be in love. I was sick of false hope. I would¡¯ve never wanted her to be with me if it would hurt her kids¡ªI wouldn¡¯t have wanted them to hate her. So, I just wanted a piece of my heart back so I could have closure. She wasn¡¯t in love with me, she only loved me--always believing I meant more to her than semantics. A woman who had any true intentions of being with me would¡¯ve wanted the necklace to represent a promise, and not just a keepsake--love would never preclude any intentions to be with the person they loved. Love would wear the necklace out every day, never having a reason to be stowed away in a drawer to be one day forgotten. She needed to let me go the way she asked me to let her go¡ªall I could hope for at this point. By sending the necklace back, the truth would be known¡ªthat all the conclusions I formed were truer than the stars above us. She didn¡¯t have to say a word, returning the necklace would be all that needed to be said, leaving the rest up to me to find closure¡ªI¡¯d have no choice to.

    I tried so hard to look at things from her point of view but the loneliness obscured it from my mind. All I could see and feel was the pain she left me with. After a thirty-page written apology, to post a pic of her sitting on that dirty creep''s lap was my greatest nightmare come true. I wanted so bad to be the gentleman here, understanding her kids were innocently in the middle of it all. To show all the class in the world and allow her silence to continue with my own, but she handed me a life sentence for a crime I never committed. She had to have known I¡¯d see the picture and not take it well. She told me I broke her heart by walking away from her¡ªso how could she do this to me? She said she understood my perspective, but the picture told me she didn¡¯t. Her words only aligned with her actions in the light of my eyes, but never in the darkness she purposefully hid in. As my mind reveled in despair, she kicked me the lower I got by posting the picture.

    After being led to believe she couldn¡¯t live a day without me, I had to know the truth about her love¡ªallowing me the knowledge needed to make the next move in my life. As much as I questioned her love, I jumped all over anyone in defense who believed she didn¡¯t love me. I needed to know the truth for that reason alone¡ªto be able to accept someone¡¯s harsh criticism. If Anya sent me back the necklace, it would devastate me, but also provide a sense of closure. She surrounded me in my home, through the alarm clock she bought me, the iPod, the music, her cards, her perfume and even her bra I kept in a dresser drawer. All bringing back moments representing the purest forms of joy and happiness I¡¯ve ever felt, nor would likely ever feel again. I needed to know for sure those memories meant more to me than they did for her. That the items she gave me were only tools of manipulation, and not true love. To know having her heart chipped away by an emotionally abusive husband was more worthy of repair because of the money he provided her children with-- answering why I was never the solution and used only as stress relief.

    While awaiting her response, songs that reminded me of her came on the radio¡ªinstantly making me regret sending the letter to her. After ten days passed without a response, it gave me hope she planned to prove me wrong¡ªwhat I wanted far more than closure. I would¡¯ve loved nothing more than for her to put me in my place about love. To call me an asshole and to tell me I knew nothing about love. There was nothing more I wanted than to be wrong about her love for me. For her to tell me there is no way I¡¯m getting back the ¡°thingie¡±--that I''d have to pry it away from her lifeless fingers if I wanted it back. The more days passed with no response, the more the hope began to build I was wrong about everything.

    After taking a Vicodin to stave off the anxiety, I got on the internet to search for anything to temper the hope I began feeling¡ªdiscovering some news about her son, Andrew. The same Temple that held his Bat Mitzvah, featured him and another kid in an online newsletter, an article they each wrote describing themselves. Reading Andrew''s blurb just about tore me to pieces--penning about how he looked up to his sister and enjoyed his ¡°Sunday night family dinners¡±. Shaken up by what I read, I reached for another Vicodin to ease the negative thoughts building within. To read something about his family made me feel the role my love for Anya played in his life¡ªhow his mother being with me, would put an end to the Sunday Night Family dinners he looked forward to. How could she have never told me about these Sunday night dinners? That by trusting and falling in love with her, that I would be taking this enjoyable time away from him? The fact she put his enjoyable Sunday night family dinners on the line should¡¯ve brought to light how emotionally abusive Jackson was. That it was her husband¡¯s emotional abuse, and not her love for me, that made their end a possibility. Another reason I couldn¡¯t understand why I was the person she chose to punish, and not the man who made it possible¡ªthe man whose lap she sat on.

    After reading Andrew¡¯s words, it brought me back to when Anya left the table in tears after breaking things off with me for the first time. Were those tears meant for us, or were they for her kids? What seemed so clear at the time now left me to feel misled. I trusted her to tell me about things like the Sunday Night family dinners¡ªto know what I was up against. Unless she lied about loving me, she was too good of a person and mother to ever betray her kids¡ªshe was punishing the wrong man here. Lust would be a betrayal of her kids, but never love.

    Andrew also wrote of his dad taking him to ride his bike at the town marathon, a race his mother ran in. When he presented it as a purely family event, it destroyed me to know that fighting to be Anya¡¯s hero, also asked me to interfere in the family outings that brought him the most joy. Taking away the unimaginative light only broke my heart even further, never wanting her to break his heart. If this is what we faced, how could she have allowed me to feel a single thing for her? I needed these details to not only know what to expect, but to also make the best decision for both of us. By allowing me to feel so much for her, knowing all this was happening, she owed it to me to find the good in leaving Jackson. I didn¡¯t like people who criticized Anya¡¯s parenting skills without taking into any consideration the mental toll Jackson took on her over the years. For the holier than thou to pass judgment on her without knowing what led her to me was disgusting. On one hand, it did upset me that she failed to fill me in, but on the other hand, she deserved my protection. Putting the happiness of her children in jeopardy provided the best evidence of the abuse she endured in her marriage, and I refused to let Jackson appear to be the loving husband and father, who tried desperately to save his family, while destroying the Jay Gatsby in the story. Of course, the plan was never to expose the indiscretions to his children. Although my opinion of him as a father was different, they adored him¡ªhe should be their hero. Without allowing that to be taken away from Jackson or their children, I also couldn¡¯t allow him to paint Anya as the villain when he truly led her to feel she betrayed her kids. Jackson gave Anya no choice but to be a bad wife in order to save herself.

    The next day, while trying not to let Andrew¡¯s enjoyable Sunday night dinners wreck me emotionally, I reached out to a friend for another perspective¡ªasking her what she thought of the family dinners. When she told me they weren¡¯t usually great for her, it made me feel better to think Anya likely wasn¡¯t having the time of her life on Sunday nights. Now two months from turning forty, it bummed me out to know Sunday night family dinners were something I should¡¯ve been experiencing. Knowing how much I loved Anya, I knew they would be an impossible dream, making my current predicament more daunting. Even if she did give me the closure I needed, it would be years before I¡¯d be ready to think about loving again. Having kids alone would be nothing but a pipe dream, giving up my own Sunday night family dinners forever by trusting in Anya¡¯s love.

    After two weeks passed by without a reply, it was hard to not feel bad about the timing of sending the letter to her. Andrew likely just had his Bat Mitzvah and she was now tied up with the holiday madness. Sure, she hurt me, but I still feared taking her away mentally away from her family duties. After losing my career job trusting in her pain and love for me, one thing was perfectly clear¡ªthere was only one person who lost all they risked. How many people believed in love enough they would risk a potential million dollar a year job for it? If the Anya I trusted with my life truly existed, I¡¯d do it a million times over--that¡¯s how much love meant to me. The day she decided to conspire against me with Jackson, was the first day of the last days of my life. Allowing and encouraging me to be in the middle of her perfect family life, while protecting the family name every single day, crippled me mentally and emotionally. If she planned to send the necklace back, it should include a sincere apology for what she put me through-- working overtime to maintain the perfect family image to others without telling me that mattered more to her than I did.

    On December 15<sup>th</sup>, 2010, I received a notice from the post office that a package too valuable to be dropped off had arrived. Armed with that information, there was no doubt she returned the necklace¡ªthe answer I waited for, but never hoped to receive. The longer the time passed, the easier it was to hope for a letter without the necklace¡ªexplaining why she could never part with it and how wrong my words were. There was nothing else to do but remain in bed and relive the breakup once more, unable to find the strength to go to the Fed-Ex depot for pickup. Closure was the case that they gave me and Anya delivered a cold hard dose of reality¡ªshe loved me so much that she chose a philanderer over me.

    I picked up the package the next morning then called in sick to sift through the wreckage of my heart and mind. I couldn¡¯t believe, even as I lived it every day, that all I felt and shared with this person would lead to this outcome. After all the words ever said to each other, after all the times getting lost in each other¡ªloneliness was still my destiny. To come to the realization the three best years of my life were wasted loving someone who only had the courage to love me in secrecy was too much to bear.

    Deciding not to open the return envelope until I got home, my kitchen counter became its temporary home, too disheartened to reveal its contents. If she felt my love for her and her love for me, a love she led me to believe was ¡°special¡± and ¡°out of this world¡±, was also one that betrayed her kids, I lost all my trust in her. There would be no doubt our relationship betrayed her kids, if her husband never cheated on her or if she was just bored in her marriage. Her decision was ultimately tied into Jackson¡¯s money¡ªwhat he could provide the kids over what I could. The only irrational thing about her love was the depth of Jackson¡¯s and my own pockets. She definitely chose him over me¡ªthe sociopathic narcissist over the pathetic empath and with his money in the mix, our love wholly betrayed her kids. Not the actions Jackson took over fifteen years of marriage that chipped so much of her heart away that it led her to approach a total stranger in a bar¡ªcompletely confiding in him with everything she hid from everyone else. In the end, it wasn¡¯t Jackson¡¯s heart that was punished but mine for his betrayal of their family.

    I noticed the sender on the package was D Point, her city¡¯s name abbreviated so no one could ever learn where she lived if the package was returned to its sender. Once again proving how my love for her was only special if it was in secret. While the man who never allowed her to choose happiness without taking away her kids was more worthy of her respect and future loyalty. Anya was so proud of our love, a love she told me she¡¯d never regret, she couldn¡¯t even put her name on the envelope. She did pay for insurance in case it was lost on its way back to me, which was sweet of her, soothing a little of the anguish for the lack of sender details on the envelope.

    Bringing the necklace out of its packet, I heard a jingling sound¡ªthe necklace I got her did not jingle unless she broke it into pieces before sending it back. As I laid the necklace upon my kitchen counter, around its band was a silver heart pendant¡ªthe source of the jingling sound. At first glance, it appeared she kept the necklace''s original heart with the small jewels inside, replacing it with this jingling imposter, but the entire necklace remained perfectly intact. Memories of how beautiful the necklace looked across her neckline and how her spectacular smile brought out the beauty of the necklace began flooding my mind. Remembering the happiness on her face whenever she proudly showed it off to me only brought tears...no one could ever break me the way Anya¡¯s affectionate heart could. While holding the heart pendant, I fought to remember if I had sent it to her¡ªeven searching through my journals, text messages, letters, and cards she sent me, but not once was the heart pendant ever mentioned. At this time there was no doubt she sent me a message with the necklace¡ªif I wanted it, she sent me her heart as well. To keep; To hold; To remember her by.

    Now, her response made me question whether to be upset with her or to love her more than I ever did. Her heart pendant hit me from the blind side¡ªconfusingly unexpected. Expecting to only receive a necklace and a license to try to survive, instead she threw me a Tim Wakefield knuckleball. A day that began so hopeless and dark, left me breathless with the consumption of hope. Sure, Anya sent me my heart back only because I asked her to. But, if she couldn¡¯t hold my heart, she made sure to send me hers to hold instead. Her gesture was vintage Anya once again telling me ¡°I love you¡± without saying a word. Maybe she didn¡¯t know what it meant to fall in love with me because she didn¡¯t know what to expect? Was it fair to question and punish her for that? All this time away, the truth never revealed itself even when it seemed to. All there was to do was get the necklace back and then I''ll have my answer. And from there it would be time to move on to either life or death again. Yet how could I expect such a simple answer to such a complex equation that even Einstein himself would have trouble figuring out? My pride was not in play here¡ªshe never had to love me to be loved by me¡ªI just did. She was a part of me, and always would be. I would always want to be with her. No matter what we went through, it was all a product of the situation. A circumstance that turned her into someone else. Without a doubt if the situation were removed from the equation, the unknown variable would be eliminated, and Anya would have the man she fell in love with¡ªthe man she needed. Initially, and desperately needing the money, the plan was to sell the necklace on E-Bay. Now there was no way in hell I could ever sell such a priceless item. Now, I wished she had only sent me the heart pendant and kept the necklace because as it stood, I remained no closer to the truth than when I asked for it.

    The right thing to do was write her a short note and return the money she spent on the insurance and the mailing. I never intended for her to incur any costs never thinking she would spend over forty dollars sending it back to me. That was forty dollars she could¡¯ve given to Katie or Andrew instead of wasting it on a broken-hearted fool like me. For her to purchase insurance was a thoughtful gesture¡ªshe could¡¯ve easily been angry enough to mail it back in a regular envelope. Anya¡¯s grace showed itself to me, and she handled my letter with class¡ªa lot better than I would¡¯ve ever handled it. Anya needed to know how hard that letter was for me to write her¡ªto lay it all on the line like that¡ªa real matter of life and death. Of course, I¡¯d rather have wanted to know how she was doing, and how her kids were than accusing her of not truly ever being in love with me. A year of silence had that effect on my mind, let alone my soul. She had no idea the man she met was a fraction of the man she knew¡ªusing opiates to cope in a world without her that led him to devising ways to seek more from other unsafe sources. My truth was simply this¡ªI no longer wanted to live in a world without her. And if I had to? Then I no longer wanted to be here. The struggle was beyond my ability to cope over the last year, and something I didn¡¯t want to admit. With her heart pendant in my hand along with a necklace that should only be in hers, hope reigned once more along with the only love I ever wanted to know.

    After receiving the necklace back, my focus shifted to building my business back up again. Money that was previously owed to me began to come in, allowing me to catch up on some past due bills¡ªand staving off the need to sell the necklace so one day it could be returned to its rightful and only owner. To further make ends meet, I sold a few investments at a loss¡ªthe market still recessionary as my ill feelings about us began to recede as well. All this time my letter was sent to show Anya what it meant to love someone. Instead, she ended up showing me. That the beauty in her heart was still there. Taking the heart pendant with me everywhere I went, each time it jingled in my pocket or hand, it was hard not to get choked up¡ªthinking of her feeling the need to return the necklace and how she could send me a strong message at the same time without writing a single word¡ªwanting me to know I still held her heart. How could that not mean everything after all we¡¯ve been through?

    She sent me the heart pendant two weeks before Christmas, allowing me to feel like we were getting through the holidays together again. Wanting to write her back explaining myself would be a monster understatement¡ªmaking sure she knew the letter was only written because of how deep the struggle was knowing without uncertainty we were everything love was supposed to be proud and never ashamed of. Knowing that broke me so much, I had to take pills throughout the day just to make it through each one without her in it.

    Besides the obvious fact her gesture meant a lot to me, what was really behind the heart pendant? Why did she eliminate the blow entirely after sending the thingie back to me? Was it to make me feel like the worst human being on the planet after asking it back from her if she loved herself more than she loved me? If she believed our love betrayed her kids, why would she have wanted to hold onto it as a reminder? Was her sending me the heart pendant along with the thingie further evidence of her never willing to fight for me the way I fought for her? How all she had to do was send me a heart pendant without a return address to shut me up? Her love for me forever in a state of secrecy? Without sending her my letter, I would¡¯ve never heard from her again. How could a love like ours discard someone so easily? I¡¯d also have to consider how hard it was for her to return it to me at a busy time; the holidays. How she likely struggled with the decision she made, even seeking counsel from Debbie and Carolyn. A year of silence after talking to someone every single day for the last two years did nothing but turn me into a beggar for the truth. The Vicodin, the dark depression, the loss of needed focus, and my financial woes took its toll, leaving me with only two choices¡ªto put an end to the daily critical chatter in my head by either jumping off the bridge or living underneath it.

    One day when returning home from my consulting engagement, after another day of not getting paid for the work I did, a soiled wet mess greeted me¡ªthe roof collapsed right over my desk. After noticing it destroyed my new computer, printer and desk, about twenty-five hundred dollars¡¯ worth in damages, I marched to the rental office to complain, but my words only fell on deaf ears¡ªthey were more concerned about the past due rent that prompted the three day notice to pay or quit given to me two days earlier. Upset but having renter¡¯s insurance, I filed a claim the next day but they refused to cover the damages because I didn¡¯t have a flood insurance policy with them. I argued it wasn¡¯t a flood that caused the damage to my business office equipment, per se, a faulty roof did, but they held their ground. This only inspired me to return to the rental office to file a complaint about the management company who once again denied any responsibility. Before agreeing to sign the rental agreement, they boasted about the space being a new condo more than it was a bachelor apartment. Although it was a bachelor pad, it wasn¡¯t much smaller than my previous one-bedroom apartment. While walking back to my apartment after another failed attempt to convince the management they had rented me a space with a bad roof, I noticed branches and weeds sprouting from dirt caked inside the gutters that ran along the sides of my roof. It was then it dawned on me¡ªwhen it rained, the water had nowhere to run off to but to accumulate within the dirt inside the gutters. This ultimately trapped and retained the water on the roof until it weakened from its weight. Now that it clearly appeared the property management company was to blame for not maintaining the gutters, I took a few pictures and filed a small claim suit against the management company. I¡¯ll never forget the look on the judge¡¯s face when he saw the picture of a tiny tree starting to sprout from the gutters. And I¡¯ll never forget the look on the face of the property manager who denied any responsibility when they handed me a check for twenty-five hundred dollars that saved my small consulting business. A win desperately needed.

    With five hundred dollars remaining from the settlement, I did something totally out of character¡ªI bought a bird. Not just any bird, a conure¡ªa miniature parrot. A complete impulse buy, along with a large cage with a playground on its top, while on Vicodin. If anything, a purchase only made to fill the void Anya left in my life. He went nameless for a couple of months waiting for his personality to come through. It also took nearly that long to let him venture outside his cage¡ªfearing he¡¯d not only bite me but poop all over my apartment. He had to know better than to bite the hand that fed him sunflower seeds, so it was time to put my hand in there and see what he¡¯d do. Fearlessly, he stepped on my extended finger and let me place him on the large branch on top of his cage. After bobbing his head up and down then moving up from one end of the branch to the other end a few times, even hanging upside down on it¡ªthe time came for me to leave him to his own devices and go to my room to read a book. While lying on my stomach in bed, the sound of flapping wings invaded my left ear as the bird I left just a minute ago perched itself on my shoulder. After a minute of walking on my back, he pounced on the book''s open page and strutted back and forth upon it to tell me there were better things to do. He then glanced up at me, and I back at him, trying to figure each other out. When he began chirping loudly, apparently having a lot on his mind, I scolded him ¡°This isn¡¯t the Amazon, we have freakin¡¯ neighbors¡±. After ten minutes more of shuffling about the page I hoped to read, my finger was presented to return him to his playground, so I could return to mine. Not ten seconds later after reaching my bed again, he was back on my shoulder, rubbing his green and yellow feathered head into my neck. I then repeated the same exercise, like escorting a toddler back to their room, but sure enough just seconds later, like a jet airplane, he was back on my shoulder. This went on several times, the sound of mad fluttering wings in my ear after zooming back to land on my shoulder. Getting a little irritated, I suddenly had a moment of self-realization¡ªhe felt safe being around me, and maybe even a little lonely too, like me. From that point on I named him Jett because the minute I let him out of his cage and disappeared from his sight, he was flying like a jet through my apartment until he found my shoulder--his safe space. In fact, he knew the drill¡ªonce his door was open, he had the run of the place; with not one poop to be found. After only a few more times of using my finger, I never had to coax Jett out of the cage. All to do was leave the cage''s door open, and a few seconds later he''d be right next to me. Little did I know that conures were very loyal and social birds. They feared being alone and bonded with their owners, craving constant attention from them, even protecting them. Jett had every one of those conure traits, but little did I know, I needed that.

    During this time, remorse filled me for asking Anya to send the necklace back only if she agreed with what I wrote. When she sent me the heart pendant though, the answer sought and received were unaligned¡ªonly wanting the necklace back if she didn¡¯t love me, not if she did. The picture of her and Jackson together wounded me profoundly, but if the picture was kid driven, she had a pass from me. Just wished she had wrote me a note to explain the picture. Even more so, to explain the heart pendant so the wheels in my head would stop spinning so much. Even a year later, her love was the best part of me, the only part of myself I ever loved. The heart pendant brought her love back to life for me. Was the message behind it I¡¯m not working on my marriage? Or was it sent to soften the blow for me if she was working on it? All I wanted was the cold hard truth--just the necklace without the jingling silver heart trinket. If Anya was working on her marriage, it would only shovel the dirt upon my coffin. The heart pendant with no explanation could never give me the strength enough to trust people again to make living worthwhile.

    On my fortieth birthday, before visiting my parents, I took two Vicodin pills just to get through the day. In accounting, if during an inventory count, we came across any damaged goods, we wrote it off so it disappeared off the books. Taking an inventory count of my life on this day, there was nothing salvageable, my life was a complete write-off. At forty, my life felt valueless, with only the soft jingle of a heart pendant keeping me on the books of life. That heart pendant and the positive thoughts it brought with it, was all I had left. Forty years on this planet into the year two thousand eleven, and the man who drove a Mercedes had little or nothing to show for it. And really, all it took was losing the love of a lifetime to feel this way. I never realized the greatest risk I ever took in life was falling deeply in love with someone who loved me too.

    Since my mother never saw the necklace, I brought it with me to show her. My parents surprised me with pizza and a cake, but only my father was there at the table when I came through the back door and into the kitchen. After thanking him, I sat down and briefly filled him in on my life without divulging too many details¡ªmostly about finally naming my bird Jett. Thirty minutes and three pizza slices later, my mother, with no wig on, entered the kitchen, smiling.Did you know this text is from a different site? Read the official version to support the creator.

    ¡°What took you so long?¡± I asked her. ¡°We almost finished the pizza.¡±

    ¡°Oh, I can¡¯t eat.¡±

    ¡°Why not?¡±

    My mother pulled out a chair, next to mine, turned her face towards me and opened her mouth as wide as she could. She had so many white blisters on the inside of her mouth it seemed impossible for her to swallow anything. How she was able to smile after showing me and knowing how badly she wanted a slice of pizza just to feel normal again, was an unbelievable show of strength.

    ¡°Jesus, mom.¡± I replied, not knowing what to say. ¡°Have you been able to eat at all?¡±

    ¡°Mostly liquids.¡± She told me before coughing.

    ¡°Are you ok?¡± My father asked, concerned.

    ¡°I¡¯m fine.¡± she told him, waving him off then turning to me. ¡°I¡¯ve been a little sick.¡±

    "Do you have pneumonia?¡± I inquired.

    ¡°It¡¯s not that or even a cold.¡± she explained, shaking her hairless head. ¡°It¡¯s from the chemo¡ªa really strong one they had to put me on.¡±

    ¡°You don¡¯t look like you¡¯re losing any weight.¡± I told her, for the first time putting all jokes aside.

    ¡°I¡¯ve lost five pounds over the last two weeks. Woo hoo!¡± She informed me, lifting her arms in the air. ¡°I should be back in shape in no time!¡±

    I met my mother¡¯s eyes with skepticism and a guarded belief only because she promised she¡¯d tell me if there was something I needed to know¡ªno surprises. This was the first birthday at home she didn¡¯t have a thing to eat, not even the frosting off the candles on the cake. A flashback to my first birthday sprang into memory¡ªreplaying that Super 8 film reel in my head when my parents, on little to no money threw me a birthday party, with friends and family thirty- nine years ago. Just the sound of the reel filled my mind, watching a home movie of my mother feeding me my first birthday cake and me twitching with excitement each time she did. The sound of the rolling reel continued while she walked around with a plate of food and ate freely, without a worry what her life would be like thirty-nine years later. I doubt she ever imagined this¡ªunable to eat a simple slice of pizza on her son¡¯s fortieth birthday. As the silence of the Super 8 played, the meaning of the heart pendant suddenly obstructed the memory.

    After my parents sang ¡°Happy Birthday¡±, they took turns ribbing me on how I cut my own cake. After they finished their jokes, we reluctantly had a piece of cake after my mother retreated back to her room. When my father finished his piece of cake, he left for the park to finish the rest of his shift. After washing the dishes, wiping down the table then placing the cake in the fridge for my father to eat later, I went to my mother''s room.

    ¡°How was the cake?¡± she asked.

    ¡°Good¡ªI haven¡¯t had a piece of chocolate cake in a long time. Thanks.¡±

    ¡°It looked good.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m sorry you couldn¡¯t have one.¡±

    ¡°I miss my popcorn more than anything.¡±

    ¡°It doesn¡¯t hurt to talk?¡±

    ¡°A little, but not much.¡± She reassured me.

    ¡°How long do you think before your mouth starts feelin¡¯ better?¡±

    ¡°Oh, I don¡¯t know.¡± She told me, grabbing a long back scratcher and using it on her back. ¡°I guess when this particular round of Chemo is over in a few weeks.¡±

    ¡°I see.¡± I nodded while remembering there may be no end. ¡°I have to show you something.¡±

    ¡°What is it?¡± She perked up, straightening her posture as she sat at the edge of the bed.

    My mother smiled widely when she noticed the turquoise Tiffany pouch appearing from my pocket. After a year of despair, she knew how hard it was for me to find the strength to ask for it back¡ªto seek the truth behind its return. Her eyes widened when I removed the necklace from its home before showing me her outreached hands.

    ¡°You have good taste in jewelry.¡± She claimed, as the necklace dangled from her hand.

    ¡°You think so? It took me long enough to pick it out.¡±

    ¡°Why¡¯d it take you so long?¡±

    ¡°Because it had to be the right one for her...she already had more nicer jewelry."

    ¡°Well, I just love this necklace.¡± she stated, nodding her head. ¡°How much did this cost you?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯d rather not say." I told her, shaking my head. "Cost wasn¡¯t a factor anyway.¡±

    ¡°Well¡­now that you have it back¡­and you know she¡¯s not in love with you.¡± She said before briefly pausing then handing the necklace back to me. ¡°You can move on with your life.¡±

    ¡°I wish it was that easy.¡± I said before handing her the next piece of jewelry. ¡°But she sent me this too.¡±

    ¡°What is this? A heart pendant?¡±

    I nodded in affirmation.

    ¡°Are you sure she wasn¡¯t returning this back to you, too?¡± she asked.

    ¡°I never gave her a heart pendant.¡± I informed her, slightly agitated.

    ¡°Maybe it came on a gift tag or somethin¡¯ and you forgot about it?¡± She questioned further.

    ¡°I remember everything I got her.¡± I assured her. ¡°I¡¯ve never gotten her anything remotely close to something like a heart pendant other than the necklace.¡±

    ¡°Maybe she made a mistake, thinkin¡¯ it came from you too and returned it along with the necklace?¡±

    A deep uneasiness ran through my veins, mangling my nerves as my mother sifted deeper into probable causes of hope¡ªall of which I never considered. Little did my mother know the heart pendant provided the only evidence of my value in life.

    ¡°I don¡¯t think so.¡± I replied, closing my eyes and shaking my head.

    ¡°What if it came from the guy she dated before you and she wanted to get rid of everything that reminded her she betrayed her kids?¡± She continued, unimpeded.

    ¡°I gotta be honest. I shouldn¡¯t have come here today¡ªI should¡¯ve just stayed home.¡± I told her, taking the heart pendant back from her and putting both pieces of my own heart back into the Tiffany pouch. ¡°I haven''t been in the right frame of mind all day.¡±

    ¡°Why do you say that?¡±

    ¡°What have I accomplished in forty years? What have I really accomplished?¡± I tried to explain. ¡°I¡¯ve lived a meaningless existence¡ªleading a life with zero value.¡±

    Before I visited today and even though my life had nothing to show, the possible hopeful message behind the heart pendant made me feel strong enough to face the day. Now it made perfect sense why I took the pills now¡ªto fend off the negativity from forces out of my control.

    ¡°You¡¯ve done a lot in forty years.¡± She countered. ¡°You¡¯re only lookin¡¯ at the things you don¡¯t have; not the things you do.¡±

    ¡°What do I have to show after forty years?¡± I asked. ¡°Failed relationships. Failed career. Failed business. I¡¯ve done nothing but turn Dad into Nostradamus.¡±

    ¡°You have your health.¡±

    ¡°What good is that when I feel dead?¡± I quipped. ¡°God might as well take that from me too¡ªHe¡¯s taken everything else.¡±

    ¡°He gave you a life to be lived for Him, not for you.¡± She shot back.

    ¡°Was this the kind of life He had in mind for me? To be healthy yet feel anything but?¡± I recovered, throwing my hands in the air while finding a seat on her worn pink recliner. ¡°I may not have Cancer, mom, but don¡¯t you feel it¡¯s tragic to be given a perfectly healthy life yet feel like I do? I don¡¯t see the gift or the lesson.¡±

    ¡°Maybe we can get you some help so you can better face the day.¡± She advised, concern now showing on her face.

    ¡°And what? Get back on Zoloft again like I¡¯m some sort of nutcase?¡± I pushed back. ¡°Like I¡¯m the weakest man on the planet? No thank you¡ªI am not goin¡¯ back there.¡±

    ¡°There¡¯s nothing wrong with asking for help.¡± She replied, shaking her head. ¡°Maybe if you would just pray¡­¡±

    ¡°Whoa. What? Pray?¡± I scoffed. ¡°Since we¡¯re on the subject, explain this hypocrisy to me about praying.¡±

    ¡°Hypocrisy?¡±

    ¡°Yeah, hypocrisy¡ªpraying is hypocritical.¡±

    ¡°How can you say that?¡±

    ¡°Because why do people who believe in God so much, want people to pray for their survival? If they truly believed in God, why would they pray to delay meeting Him?¡± I asked, so assuredly. ¡°They believe in God so much, they pray they don¡¯t meet Him? Huh? Why would they pray against meeting the entity they believe in sooo much?¡±

    ¡°People don¡¯t pray for others to not die, Honey¡± she told me, in a somewhat mocking tone.

    ¡°Then pray tell what the hell they are praying for then?¡± I replied, sarcasm oozing.

    ¡°They are praying for their souls.¡± she explained. ¡°that if they do die, they go to heaven.¡±

    ¡°Whatever.¡± I replied, blowing off her solid response. ¡°All I know is that He¡¯s given me nada¡ªnothing¡ªzilch. He instead gives people like Jackson Caiaphas all they want in life and then expect me to believe in Him?¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s not true, Landy¡­He¡¯s given you more than you know.¡±

    ¡°More than I know? All I know is all He¡¯s taken from me.¡± I counterattacked. ¡°To be honest, I¡¯ve never felt more removed from God than I am now.¡±

    ¡°Honey, that¡¯s not true¡­we all feel removed from God sometimes¡­feel like He¡¯s abandoned us at times, but He¡¯s always there.¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t believe that for a second.¡± I sneered. ¡°So, keep feedin¡¯ me what you think Anya did with the heart pendant. Go ahead and take away the only thing getting me through the days.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m sorry, Honey.¡± she replied, meekly. ¡°I didn¡¯t mean to upset you.¡±

    ¡°Did you consider maybe she wanted to be with me without worrying about having kids around and she wanted me to hold her heart until it was the right time for us?¡± I told her, selfishly, unable to keep my emotions in check. ¡°Did you consider anything positive about the heart pendant at all?¡±

    ¡°I think the chemo and all the drugs I¡¯m on are affecting my mood.¡± She replied, sincerity in her voice. ¡°I didn¡¯t mean to upset you.¡±

    I hated to argue with the only woman who never hurt me in this life, but she overwhelmed me with negativity. She knew more than most that health was wealth yet my mind left me blinded¡ªnever believing a broken heart could kill like a loaded gun. Now, at forty years of age, a tiny silver heart pendant became my breathing tube. My mother made one thing perfectly clear¡ªI had to go back to Anya to seek the truth, and perhaps, redemption in some shape or form. The real meaning behind the heart pendant¡ªa fact not needed until after my visit. Was it a continuation of Anya living in a fantasy while I writhed in reality? Was it something Lance gave her and she thought it came from me? Was it attached to a gift I had forgotten I gave her? Or was it a symbol of hope?

    ¡°It¡¯s ok, Mom.¡± I said, standing up from the recliner, walking over to her then kissing the top of her head. ¡°I haven¡¯t been sleeping much. Thanks for the birthday party.¡±

    My parents were even kind enough to gift me a one-hundred-dollar gift card to Nordstrom¡¯s before leaving the house that day¡ªtheir forty-year-old failure of a son. On the drive home, I recalled all the times my mother would send me a card on Valentine¡¯s Day before meeting Anya. As nice as the gesture was, it drug me further into an often lonely existence. I¡¯m sure all I¡¯ve gone through with my break-up with Anya, hurt her as well. A mother shouldn¡¯t have to worry about people loving and respecting their children¡ªespecially at a time she had more important things to worry about. My emotions needed to be in check around my mother and keep my thoughts about Anya and I to myself. Negativity from those who care about me should be expected at this point¡ªsomething important to understand knowing my defense mechanisms would kick into high gear. Now though, I need to know what I was defending. The only chance of getting well was to go the source¡ªthe well of my love and pain, one last time. Even if Anya admits to have made a mistake and there was no meaning behind the heart pendant, it would help me. A person who couldn¡¯t even eat a piece of my birthday cake didn¡¯t need any of my grief.

    Even as my mother tried to impale my beliefs, my hope in the heart pendant remained. If Anya did inadvertently include it thinking it came from me, it¡¯s important to know because the necklace was the only thing asked for. If sending the heart pendant was her way of saying her heart was with me, knowing full well how I read into things, then clarification from her was a fair request. Given she posted a picture of her and Jackson for the whole world to see after all she allowed and encouraged me to fight for, risk and eventually lose portrayed a monster betrayal¡ªturning the necklace from a symbol of love to a reminder of the betrayal of her children. To seek some sort of closure, if only in the form of the most painful truth after losing all I did in the end, was not too much to ask for. All she had to do was only send me back the necklace to answer me. Now, after sending me the heart pendant, she dodged the questions. If Anya truly wanted me to move on, to truly let go and remove myself from her life, then the necklace should¡¯ve arrived without company. Now, she owed me the truth behind the heart pendant.

    While others basked in the joy and gratitude of forty years of life, on the night of my birthday, it was time to write Anya one more letter seeking answers she left blank.

    Dearest Anya,

    Hey it¡¯s me again. Hiya. This letter shouldn¡¯t surprise you since I¡¯ve always been known to not keep my promises. I apologize for my last letter if you were hurt by it¡ªI¡¯ll concede there are different forms of love. It wasn¡¯t fair to accuse you of not being truly in love with me. I just felt I was led to believe it was true love and special so I never saw the shame in our love because of his betrayals. I was upset because I felt things were said that gave me the impression, we shared the same idea of love for each other. I¡¯m now taking a step back again, and I think you¡¯re right¡ªI have a lot of anger in me and I need to learn to be more compassionate. It just seems every time I break down my wall and let someone in, I end up disappointed and more upset than before.

    Asking for the necklace back wasn¡¯t fair and must¡¯ve hurt you in ways I¡¯ll never know. I¡¯ve had a string of bad luck over the last month¡ªit feels like I¡¯m being punished for something. Did you make a Landyn voodoo doll? Do you think you can take the pin out of my stomach? J

    I know I¡¯ve hurt you over and over, but I¡¯m just not over you. The pain is nothing like it was but there are times when I¡¯m still so affected¡ªit¡¯s nothing I¡¯ve ever experienced and I don¡¯t know how to handle it. Just know it hurts to live my life without you. The thing that hurt me was that you never knew. That¡¯s been a really hard pill to swallow for me, and I apologize for that.

    Can you please do me one favor? Can you please give me some clarity about the heart pendant you gave me? Would it be crazy to ask if you could please explain the meaning behind it for me? I understand you can¡¯t write me back so on each Saturday and Sunday for the next two weekends I will be at our old tea time hang out on Springdale from 11-2. If the heart pendant has any meaning at all, would you please come meet me there? If the heart pendant was just meant to be a keepsake, then please don¡¯t show, I¡¯ll understand it was either sent to me by mistake or it was only sent out of guilt. If those days and times don¡¯t work for you, please let me know and I will meet you at a better day and time for you. I have a very flexible schedule these days.

    I hope you¡¯re doing well.

    Love always,

    Me

    After writing the letter, my printer remained silent¡ªnot ready to mail it. When the heart pendant arrived with the returned necklace, it gave me hope maybe we could get back to the start¡ªto find it again, to make it right. My mother raised some good scenarios my mind wouldn¡¯t allow me to deny. My greatest struggle was believing I was only worthy of her love in secret and without reaching out to know it¡¯s true meaning, her love would again leave me in limbo hoping for a future that may never come. Anya needed to be proud of me and our love, not ashamed of it. Further, if she looked upon it as a betrayal of her kids, then the infidelities were never enough to leave her husband for. What did I ever do to her to deserve to be nothing but a secret after all she allowed and encouraged me to feel? Sure, there were times she tried to let me go and to her credit that was partially noble of her. The problem was she had already allowed me to fall deeply in love with her and her pulling away felt like purposeful abandonment at that point. If all she shared with me about him was true, she should¡¯ve left her husband in the dust, not me.

    The more I tried to make sense of something that she needed to make sense of for me, the more blurrry hope and hopelessness became. I never asked Anya to be with me and leave her children behind¡ªit was always me and the kids. My only request was for her to leave Jackson¡ªhe never brought out the best in her in over fifteen years of marriage. Unless there were things she never made me privy to out of fear of hurting me, things she left me to deduce, then I would never understand why she could never promise to leave one day. The fact she couldn¡¯t make that promise made me feel used no matter how many times she tried to let me go. And each and every time Anya did, she struggled¡ªtelling me the life she tried to pull herself into was the wrong one, regardless of her kids. For Anya to view her love for me as betraying her kids after all she allowed and encouraged me to feel, was no less than cold blooded murder to a heart like mine. If she truly wanted me to let her go, then she should have no problem telling me the truth. Was I right or was I wrong? And if so, what were the reasons specifically? If his betrayals were never an issue because he was a good provider and father, then why wasn''t she up front about it when we met? Instead, she waited until I feel deeply in love with her then felt guilt--something her pain and anger wouldn''t allow herself to stop from doing. That¡¯s what upset me more than anything¡ªthe things she needed to tell me before I fell--the things she never did. The things that led me to ultimately ask for the "thingie" back from her.

    What form of love did the heart pendant represent? What did it mean? Did it mean there was still a chance for us? Or did it mean since we¡¯ll never be together, know my heart will always be with you? Did it mean she saw my side of things and reconsidered her role that led to our end? If death touched me tomorrow, how could the one who loves me be too ashamed to be there? She wouldn¡¯t be by my bedside¡ªshe wouldn¡¯t even know about my funeral. How could she share the lives of her kids with me, even invite me to her daughter¡¯s recital yet be so ashamed of me? Be so not willing to vouch for me? Be so not willing to face anything anymore? To leave the man she would rather die than never have in her life feel like his only purpose was to break up her family and to hurt her kids¡ªeven after all she ever told me and all we ever shared. It wasn¡¯t the fact she wasn¡¯t ready to tell them¡ªthat much was understood. It was the fact she never could¡ªtrusting in all the things she told me from the start, and not all the things she chose to omit.

    In essence, while treating her like no other girl, she treated me as if I were her husband¡ªwho would be happier with sex over a commitment. She spent two years trying to figure out if I was for real, and after learning just that, she only found more ways to sit on the fence or get off it altogether--either accept her form of love or be denied the sun. When I saw that posted pic of her and Jackson, it tore me from the inside out, taking my belief in her love to one so unsightly that putting it all on the line had to be done. Anya seemed to be influenced by those around her who told her what she should do--people she never shared the full story with rather than trusting all the things she confided in me with. In the end, my words of love and encouragement meant nothing. Through the heart pendant, here I was again¡ªaccepting love on terms of her own. Again, she blew me off after pointing out to her that love was on the terms of two people, not one. Anya¡¯s love was the same as a lion¡¯s for its human companion¡ªawe inspiring until its food source was taken away giving them no other option but to run for their life. Shouldn¡¯t there only be one form of love in our situation? I did love her in any shape or form, but that was when I trusted she would never abandon me. There was no way I could let her go without telling me the meaning behind the heart pendant¡ªits true purpose.

    What if she told Jackson she was never in love with me but had a hard time hiding the fact she was from him? What if he sensed it then decided to secretly create a fake Facebook account in her name in order to get me to respond to it? A way to obtain information from me that she refused to give? All I ever wanted Jackson to know was that she loved me¡ªthat he had a decision to make. It worried me Anya likely believed I wanted to tell him a lot more but that was never true. Sure, I was angry and wanted him to suffer the way she had, but to share our sexual exploits was juvenile¡ªwe were never about that. Why continue to stay married to a woman who loved another man? It just made zero sense even for the kids¡ªteaching them all the wrong things about love and respect in any kind of relationship. Was it truly cheaper to keep her when the cost is your sanity? Did Anya send me the heart pendant to let me know, no matter what was posted on the fake profile, that her heart was with me regardless of what I believed about her love? I never asked her for the necklace back because my heart could never be with her¡ªI asked for its return only if my thoughts made sense that her heart was never truly with me. If all the negative scenarios in my head were feasible, didn¡¯t the positive scenarios have the same probability of truth? What Jackson wanted her to believe could never be true¡ªAnya never betrayed her kids. No woman, in Anya¡¯s situation, could ever betray her kids by loving someone who truly cared about and respected her¡ªshe was no one¡¯s servant.

    If Anya left Jackson, she would teach her kids truly valuable lessons. She would teach them to marry for love¡ªnot for money. To marry their best friend. To live an honest life. To not be afraid of change¡ªit equals opportunity. To pursue happiness in life over sadness for a life time. To not let other influence the decisions only you¡¯re knowledgeable to make¡ªby staying and pretending, real damage is being done. She¡¯d acknowledge her kids were smarter than she gave them credit for. They will eventually learn the truth one day¡ªif they didn¡¯t already know. It was important for Anya to be true to herself so she could be true to all those around her. She would only eventually learn who her real friends were¡ªthe ones worthy of keeping. Her true friends would emerge and the pretenders would fall to the wayside. She needed to teach her kids to have respect for themselves. To not be bullied by others, especially by those who claimed to love them and promised they would forever do so¡ªto hold people accountable for their abusive behavior. Most important of all, leaving Jackson would tell her children they are never trapped in life by a bad decision they''ve made. That there is always a way out of it¡ªif it¡¯s truly needed. For them to always trust their inner feelings¡ªthey are the facts that light the way to truth.

    I could never covey this in the letter, but it¡¯s how I felt¡ªher kids would benefit in the long-run if she left Jackson. Anya needed to look past the pain the short-run would bring because a much bigger and brighter picture laid on the horizon for them. Love was always a fair teacher and life would be fair as well. If this was anything less than love, if the meaning behind the heart pendant wasn¡¯t ¡°I love you and believe in us¡± then feeling this strongly about her teaching them these things in life wouldn¡¯t matter. Even without me though, she should be brave enough to teach them these most valuable lessons. If the heart pendant truly had meaning, and wasn¡¯t included by mistake, she had more than enough reasons to be brave enough to leave him.

    I finished the follow-up letter on March 23<sup>rd</sup>, 2011¡ªand was all ¡°lettered out¡± at this point. I just needed to know what I was holding on to¡ªjust steer me in the right direction. If she wrote me back and revealed how she still held onto us¡ªI¡¯d send the necklace back to her and hold onto the heart pendant until she came home. I wouldn¡¯t have wanted hope taken from me if it still existed, but she needed to see not what Jackson and society wanted her to believe¡ªthat she betrayed her kids by loving a man who honored and respected her. That it¡¯s not an act of betraying your children when she fell for a man who truly worshipped the ground she walked on. I wanted her for her¡ªnot what she could give me. She was the absolute love of my life¡ªnot some tool used to build a business and brand. My love stood for something beyond everything¡ªas real as real got. After all the heartache and accusations, the heart pendant told me she still meant the world to me. If her world was more perfect without me, then I needed to know because the heart pendant gave me hope that it wasn¡¯t. Only the situation darkened her inner beauty, as it did mine, but the heart pendant kept her beauty intact. That silly heart pendant felt like winning the lottery¡ªit gave me life again and the desire to continue believing in the goodness of it all. That my life had a real purpose beyond survival. If a man wasn¡¯t successful in love, he failed at life¡ªa man¡¯s true measure of his worth on earth. I simply needed to know if I failed at life or if I truly earned my worth¡ªthe meaning behind the heart pendant held the answer to it all.

    I mailed the letter five days later¡ªasking her to meet me on either Sunday April 17<sup>th</sup> or May 1st between the times of 11 and 2, which gave her three weeks to think about it. As badly as this needed to be done in person, I gave her an out if she couldn¡¯t make either of those days. Anya knew I¡¯d read into the heart pendant, so it was only fair for her to clarify its meaning. If I was wrong in the letter about her form of love, then tell me so¡ªlet me have it. This wasn¡¯t about being right but making sense out of her love for me. There were no winners here, only losers. It¡¯s been a year and I¡¯ve struggled to move on¡ªI needed clarification as much as closure. Did she love me or was I the greatest fool that ever walked the planet? The heart pendant made me feel like a dead man who didn¡¯t know he was dead¡ªa ghost among the living. Anya needed to send me back home and the heart pendant unfortunately kept me in limbo. She left me mementos before and that¡¯s the last thing I wanted the heart pendant to represent¡ªsomething to remember her by as if I¡¯d ever forget. This was a forty year old man she was in a serious relationship with, not an eighteen year old boy trying to figure out something I knew from day one. If the heart pendant had no meaning, a mistake, then I¡¯d hope she send me a detailed apology for confusing me. I took enough of the blame for her allowing and encouraging me to feel so much for her without any concrete intentions to be honest with those around her. She had to admit her faults and I could totally forgive her for them even if she still felt she betrayed her kids¡ªalthough I¡¯ll never believe she did unless she wasn¡¯t honest about her feelings for me and Jackson. A sincere apology would allow me closure along with the strength needed to take the next steps in my life. If her plan was to work on her marriage, and give the philandering politician another chance for the sake of the kids, then sending a heart pendant to me didn¡¯t mean anything. If it was sent out of guilt for what she put me through, no thank you. It doesn¡¯t matter if she had me ¡°in her heart¡± because she couldn¡¯t be in my arms. Love was courageous because its right and just. If she couldn¡¯t recognize love was at least that much, then apologize to me, don¡¯t fight me on it. Love made stands and proudly promised to shout from the rooftops one day. The heart pendant had to say ¡°let¡¯s find a way¡± and not ¡°don¡¯t forget me.¡±.

    More than anything, the heart pendant couldn¡¯t mean she felt bad. If that¡¯s the case, just send back the necklace and call it a lifetime. Otherwise, the pendant of hope was only an extension of playing with my heart¡ªto give me false hope. Why allow me to feel this deeply for you for nothing? How could everything I put into this relationship, that came at great personal risk and actual loss all be for not? Anya never lost what she hadn¡¯t already lost before we began our relationship. She left my life in shambles while hers went on without a hitch. Again, she never told me she was still there because of her kids¡ªI had to learn after she allowed and encouraged me to fall in love with her. If she didn¡¯t clarify why she sent me the heart pendant then there could be nothing more unfair in life considering all I¡¯ve lost trusting her.

    On the morning of April 17<sup>th</sup>, hope overcame nervousness on my drive to meet her at the ¡°Good Morning Caf¨¦¡±, our old tea spot. I took the necklace with me, hopefully to give it back to her. Sure, I could use the money and put it up on E-Bay, but parting with it would bring too much finality to bear. Holding it in my hand brought me back to the times we had fun just talking about it and of course, I could still see it on her breast line smiling up at me with happiness. Those memories also captured my feelings about the silver jingling heart pendant she gave me. It meant a lot, but I just needed to know exactly what it meant, to shut up the naysayers as much as myself. As much as I struggled to understand her love, it disgusted me when others were judgmental of Anya¡ªno one more than Theresa who didn¡¯t even know her. Then again, it was my fault for sharing my life with people. No one knew more than I did how much her kids meant to her, and I told everyone that was the real reason why we weren¡¯t together. Yet it felt they still criticized her for being a ¡°bad¡± mother. How is loving someone who respects and honors you after being married to a man who never did being a bad mother? It shouldn¡¯t have taken me being in Anya¡¯s life for Jackson to wake up. Jackson walked the earth like he never hurt her a day in his life yet she isn¡¯t she allowed to feel truly loved by someone? How am I the villain in this story? The man who honors and respects Anya is the evil one? I didn¡¯t want Anya on her death bed steeped in regret and fighting cancer one day too¡ªlike my own mother. Although Anya lived a healthy lifestyle, constant stress is no good for the healthiest people. My mother unable to enjoy a simple slice of pizza because her mouth was full of cold sores from chemo drove my quest to keep the dream alive. I knew what was best for Anya because I¡¯ve seen the worst¡ªshe even shared it with me. Her own words ¡°I hate my life¡± and ¡°my anger will never be resolved¡± will always remain branded in me. If the heart pendant was sent with love, she deserved it for the rest of her days.

    Wanting her to see me the minute she parked, I arrived fifteen minutes early, planting myself in one of the patio chairs in front of the cafe. With a blue sky and all its possibilities above me, my new Nook purchase came to good use burying my nose in Mitch Albom¡¯s ¡°One Day¡±. Reading usually made me calm, but my mind raced unable to fully concentrate on the story. After fifteen minutes went by of unfruitful reading, my focus shifted to all the times we met up here, usually between eleven in the morning and two in the afternoon. The excitement was palpable knowing the chance existed to see her again, clearing the air about the heart pendant and the possibility of a reconciliation. The universe must have anticipated her visit too¡ªthe air was comfortably warm and as clean as if it rained just yesterday.

    When the third hour arrived at fifteen minutes to two, fear kept me within my seat¡ªafraid to lose it before she arrived. Several people walked past me and inside the caf¨¦¡ªand not a familiar face among them. Not Dave, Paul, Theresa or even Barwin, but they were weekday warriors at the caf¨¦, not weekend. When the clock struck two, I removed the necklace from my pocket and then its pouch, allowing the sun to beautify it for a few seconds. Of course, it wasn¡¯t fair to the sun¡ªfar from dazzling without it gracing her neckline¡ªthis day wouldn¡¯t be the day to see her. Although disappointed, May 1<sup>st</sup> was only two weeks away¡ªafter eighteen months that was nothing. Shutting down my Nook, I then succumbed to the hands of the clock and left the patio with another two weeks to hope and wait for.

    It was hard to not ignore my request made in the letter¡ªif the heart pendant was just a keepsake, then please don¡¯t show. It was even more difficult to know it may be the reason for not meeting me. Two weeks remained however, but if she didn¡¯t show on May 1<sup>st</sup>, then why in the world did she send me something she knew I¡¯d read into? All she had to do was receive my letter to know how weak I was. It took a lot of courage to ask for my necklace back. To tell her to send it back and never look back if our love betrayed her kids and if her love for me only existed because it was on her terms. Although the heart pendant communicated with my heart, only my mind could translate the true message behind it. Talking face to face to answer questions burning within could only help at this point¡ªneeding to see the sincerity in her eyes when she spoke. After all we shared, how could her marriage have remained an option for her? I trusted her to at least know love didn¡¯t share herself with another man¡ªshe had to change that dynamic if she truly loved me otherwise how could she tell me she did? Even worse, send me a heart pendant?

    Feeling lost, I jumped online to see if maybe she left me some kind of signal through her FB account. Sure enough she did¡ªa new profile picture of the entire family together. One that seemed to be taken at her son¡¯s bat mitzvah. Andrew stood in the front, smiling happily in a nice suit with his sister Katie behind him flashing a smile as big as his. Jackson, in a dark suit, stood behind his daughter with joy and pride emanating from his countenance. On the complete opposite side of Jackson was Anya, clutching onto Andrew¡¯s left shoulder, wearing a proud smile as well. The perfection in the family picture, fa?ade less, made my heart sink into my bowels. It was if they were all telling me, this is what you sought to destroy. It wasn¡¯t posted to hurt me, but now, anything like that would. Imagining her friends, family and co-workers viewing the pic, with no knowledge of the turmoil their union caused in the lives of others, flared up every nerve ending in my body. After all I did for her¡ªthat was another reward received. That by wanting Anya to follow her heart, to all those people who loved that picture, I was the villain. If Anya believed she betrayed her kids, she undoubtedly also felt she betrayed her co-workers and friends¡ªlike I ever had a chance from the beginning. Only allowed to be in her life to love her but to never be with the one I loved¡ªwhere my feeling of being betrayed resided. I knew she tried to let me go, but she already allowed and encouraged me to feel enormous feelings for her when she did¡ªjust wasn¡¯t right. I hoped talking to her face to face about the heart pendant would shed enough light on why she did me that way¡ªto allow me to let go of the resentment I held if the heart pendant meant nothing.

    When I got over the initial reaction to the photograph, my eyes zoned in on Anya¡ªsomething just wasn¡¯t right about her posture. It almost looked like she had to lean on Andrew in the picture¡ªdid she hurt her ankle again running? Focusing in a little deeper, her left arm appeared abnormal, seemingly swollen in two different spots on her forearm near the wrist. Was she in some kind of accident? My mind started to race about centering on her jealous husband¡ªdid he harm her physically? Anya did tell me Jackson wasn¡¯t violent, but she¡¯d lie to me if she had to knowing it would inspire me to confront him¡ªor maybe that was just something my heart wanted to believe to justify further reasons for leaving him. Taking the more cautious rational view, it seemed more likely she was involved in a traffic accident. Especially considering all the times she drove the kids around in hazardous conditions to and from their weeknight activities. She revealed her complaints to me about how she felt unsafe at times so she wouldn¡¯t be the nagging wife at home¡ªlike she wasn¡¯t the nagging girlfriend when her and Jackson were dating before their marriage. If she had been in a car wreck, I¡¯d feel a bit responsible for it because it would¡¯ve never happened if we were together.

    The picture suggested the reason she didn¡¯t meet me at the coffee shop¡ªshe was in a tremendous amount of pain and recovering. She smiled through it in the picture but the bumps on her arms looked extremely painful and were evident if you focused on her. She looked to be bent over as if her back ached her and even the lovely dress she wore seemed a size too large¡ªhanging loosely upon her shoulders. As upset as I was with Anya at times, the last thing I ever wanted was for her to be in physical pain. Her fraility both saddened and angered me knowing I wasn¡¯t there for her.

    If Anya knew I checked out her profile pics from time to time, she may have put this picture up to tell me why she never showed. Now, it was less about the heart pendant and more about what happened and how she was doing¡ªthere was one more letter left to write.

 CHAPTER 31 ~ COMET

    ¡°Perfect summer¡¯s night,

    You¡¯re the wind and breeze.

    Just the bullets whispering gentle,

    amongst the new green leaves.

    There¡¯s things I might have said,

    Only wish I could.

    Now I¡¯m leaking life faster

    than I¡¯m leaking blood.¡±

    ~ ¡°The One I Love¡± David Gray

    If I never believed I broke Anya¡¯s heart, seeing her swollen arm in the picture woke me up to the harsh possibility I did. My first impression of the picture was what Anya dealt with over the last year of our relationship¡ªme jumping to conclusions then being brought back down to earth. This time though, she wasn¡¯t around to do so. What the fuck did I do to her? This is the last thing I ever wanted for her. Yes, she broke my soul but to see her hunched over in pain was hard to stomach. She always felt punished by me when I broke down on her, and now the evidence presented itself. This just would¡¯ve never happened on my watch¡ªNever. This was a huge reason I fought so hard for her¡ªshe was putting herself in harm¡¯s way staying with Jackson in her assumed role. She would¡¯ve had my help and more; wanting her kids to have a hundred percent of the best mom, not what was left of her. She should¡¯ve never been in an accident! I should¡¯ve been the man she needed me to be! With me in her life, it would¡¯ve never happened¡ªit could never happen! While her husband was busy not allowing her happiness to happen, an accident did¡ªonly allowing her to suffer. That was his love on display, a love he claimed was all for the kids. In essence telling her Honey, we may not love each other, and although I¡¯m responsible for that, we must remain unhappily together for the kids. When was that promise uttered in the wedding vows? It was for better or for worse, not for better or for crippled.

    Those prominent bumps on her arm screamed there could never be a falser way of living life. My greatest fear was for Katie and Andrew to lose their mother--costing them the union of their mother and father was a small price to pay. If they loved their mother, the last thing they¡¯d ever want to see is her tucked away in a dark room in the middle of the day with a towel on her head¡ªwriting in pain they could never fully comprehend because she is hiding it from them. They were bright kids, but Katie and Andrew knew nothing about life¡ªits cruelty and how it operated. They were only fixated on the short-term because its all they knew. At their age most things are left to the imagination¡ªwhat could be without knowing what truly is. My view had a long-term focus and after seeing this picture, what laid on the horizon didn¡¯t look good. Anya survived this accident, likely due to unnecessary stress, but what about the next one? What about the next time she gets pulled in a hundred different directions while continuing to ignore herself? What if her next distraction was her last? And all I could do was sit and watch her throw herself into harm¡¯s way for the sake of living a false life? Those two years¡¯ worth of emotions and deep feelings of love had a right to say something¡ªthese were the grounds! All this love she encouraged and allowed me to feel was never meant to be pent up and relegated to only the written word. Our love wasn¡¯t of the ¡°The Bridges of Madison County¡± variety. That sacrifice wasn¡¯t the same as Anya¡¯s¡ªtwo years is much greater than just four days! Maybe Clint Eastwood could sit there in cold silence, but not Landyn Lastman¡ªhaving a lot to say because I was given a lot to feel. The one who owned my heart, who gave me her heart through a pendant after taking mine away from her, was hurt badly and it hurt me too¡ªI let her down with my pitiful emotions.

    Like her face when we were together, my eyes remained fixated on Anya in the picture. Imagining playing with her hair like I always did and wanting to kiss her swollen arm, the same way she kissed my leg. Unable to be there for her broke me into pieces all over again. Having no idea of what happened made me reach for two Vicodin just to deal with it. Who was taking Katie and Andrew to their activities? Her nanny? Lord knows it wasn¡¯t Jackson¡ªhis political aspirations came first. The picture made me miss her beyond missing to imagine all of her physical pain without real help. Even after all that happened on the day we broke up and even the picture of her on Jackson¡¯s lap felt like they never occurred. Her pain morphing into my heartache.

    Delving further into the photo, my heart began taking notice of other things. She stood on the opposite side of Jackson and even appeared to not have her wedding ring on. It then begged the possibility¡ªwhat if the swelling on her arms were tumors and she couldn¡¯t wear her wedding ring because of the pain? The same way my mother couldn¡¯t eat because of the sores in her mouth? Without throwing the heart pendant in the mix, it was beyond necessary to talk with her¡ªto have a positive exchange. I didn¡¯t want to go on living my life wondering if she gave me a false sense of purpose. If after this she may realize our love was a once in a lifetime opportunity¡ªa chance I¡¯d never let her throw away. She just might realize what she had in us, and she never lost it. This accident was exactly why I felt she betrayed herself, and never her kids¡ªevery reason I fought with her for her.

    I didn¡¯t want to keep sending her letters unless she wrote me one. And although the anguish and sadness her picture brought made the urge hard to ignore, the first of May was only two weeks away. Putting behind my turmoil, my heart beat the sound of her name once again¡ªpounding as hard as ever before. When it came to her health, my negative emotions dissipated into nothingness¡ªreplaced by grace. My mind began considering Anya¡¯s side of things. Maybe she feared losing us with having her kids around often? Did I know what it felt like to be deeply in love yet must be there for someone else? No, but Anya did. What if she was being both thoughtful and considerate by not being with me? What if Anya was the noble one? Was it fair of me to criticize Anya for her indecision leaving her trapped in a loveless marriage? It was impossible not to blame myself for her accident wishing I could be the hero she needed.

    Each year, Anya ran her city¡¯s marathon and her race times were always posted on the city¡¯s website. However, this year her race time was never posted along with the others. Upon doing a simple internet search, I found she did run a race, just not the one she usually did. Instead, she ran the Palos Verdes half marathon. Palos Verdes was very close to the city where my parents lived, where I grew up, but it was even closer to somewhere else¡ªAbalone Cove, our beach. When I noticed this, there could be no coincidence she had a reason for doing so¡ªto show Debbie and Carolyn where she wanted them to put her ashes. That funny story about her urn rolling around in the backseat of their car was no joke after all¡ªshe wanted to be where we were regardless if she would be there alone. And she didn¡¯t care what her kids felt about it or not¡ªthe only thing similar ¡°The Bridges of Madison County¡± had to us. Her gesture was thoughtful and defiant, showing me she had no regrets, but again, that secrecy component made me feel unvouched for¡ªbelieving we were something not to be proud of. Undoubtedly a strong statement, it still lacked boldness--unlike the fearless Anya I came to love. Again, Anya through the heart pendant and the Palos Verdes Half Marathon showed she could touch me without physically doing so. After seeing her arm in the family picture, I couldn¡¯t help but feel I wronged her in a way she never wronged me.

    A few days before the first day of May, excited for the chance to learn what happened to her arm and the meaning behind the heart pendant, a pink envelope appeared in my mailbox. The color of the envelope told me one thing¡ªAnya had written me back. Although it bummed me out because it seemed she wouldn¡¯t be able to meet me on the first, at least she contacted me--to tell me why she couldn¡¯t and hopefully, her message behind sending the heart pendant. Seeing the envelope in my mailbox alone made me feel important to her, and worthy of her respect--even if she made a mistake sending the pendant to me or believing I previously sent it to her. Her letter gave me a chance at closure, if not hope. After learning about the Palos Verdes Half Marathon and seeing her on the other side of Jackson in a family photo, without her ring, it was impossible to not feel any optimism about the contents of her thoughtful letter. That our breakup was as hard, if not harder on her, as it has been on me. That if she couldn¡¯t see me on the first, she would at least explain the meaning behind the heart pendant so I knew how to think, and hopefully, prove my biggest critic wrong in the process¡ªno one liked feeling like a fool.

    When I got inside my apartment, all my other mail got tossed to the side as I took the pink envelope and retreated to my recliner. Before I sat down, Jett called out to me so I opened his cage and let him fly on my shoulder¡ªas if I had any say in the matter. Filled with anticipation and anxiousness, I carefully opened the envelope, hoping to add it to my Anya shrine I built over the last three years, even in her absence. Relieved to at least have the answers I hoped for, I unfolded the letter and began reading her words. All thirteen of them within in three sentences.

    Don¡¯t bother showing up. I won¡¯t be there. Please do not contact me again.

    I had to read her words again to trust they were real, and the more my heart absorbed them, the slower my heart began to beat¡ªmissing both a reason for her absence at the caf¨¦ and an explanation for the heart pendant. After all I ever shared, all I ever risked and actually lost, this is the response she felt I deserved. Anya could not be this cold and never this heartless. This wasn¡¯t the woman who kissed the bone on my leg that haunted me since Denise left; not the same woman who sobbed uncontrollably the night her cousin got married in Canada because she wanted to wear my ring; Not the same woman who ran the Palos Verdes half marathon to show her friends where she wanted to be for eternity. And definitely, not the same woman who told me nearly every single day ¡°I love you forever¡±. My letters must have fallen in the wrong hands. Anya knew better than to send me this¡ªJackson had to have written this or forced her to. She would never be this cruel to someone who loved her¡ªshe was given thirty pages of written proof, among other things. No woman, not even Denise, could be this cold. Why couldn¡¯t she have written me back about the heart pendant without a return address, especially knowing why I wanted to meet up with her, giving me some sense of closure? Why send a heart pendant with my necklace to only tell me this? Was my mother right about her?

    In disbelief and unwilling to accept the comet that crashed into my world, on May first at eleven that morning I returned to my seat on the patio outside The Good Morning Caf¨¦. With so much on my mind, the Nook stayed at home knowing it would see no action on this day. That letter just couldn¡¯t have come from Anya¡ªwe shared too much. For the next three hours, life passed me by as people did, flashing smiles--long forgotten from my face over the last eighteen months. For the last three years, all for love, I gave all I had to it¡ªthe irrational of all beliefs while holding onto an apparent impossible dream. When the clock struck two it all hit me¡ªthree years were now gone yielding nothing more than my greatest of disappointments and failures.

    Trying to kick the dependence on Vicodin, the stratagem used to defer my most painful thoughts, it seemed Anya¡¯s icy letter would not put a strain on our deepening relationship. It now appeared the heart pendant was indeed a mistake¡ªjust like my mother pointed out. After all we shared, she wanted nothing to do with me¡ªable to go the rest of her life without seeing me ever again. If the truth in her letter wasn¡¯t enough evidence she could care less if I dropped dead tomorrow, then what else was stopping me from doing just that? The day I lose my mother, the only person in between myself and the end, my fate would certainly be sealed.

    It took Anya a month to let me know she wouldn¡¯t be there. Telling me in no terms uncertain, for me not to waste time showing up, and for good measure to never contact her again. While hoping for some real sense of closure, she slammed the door right in my face before extending her middle finger at me, the man who she claimed to love forever. After allowing positive thoughts to enter my head, without the need of my stratagem, the heart pendant at best was just another keepsake to remember her by. Apparently in her mind though, everything to remember us by was a betrayal to her kids and family. This is exactly why I walked away from her the first time we met¡ªto avoid from yelling inside to have it all fall upon deaf ears and a blind heart. The heart pendant had now become just another toy¡ªa game she played to obtain passivity from me. Just like all the things she ever gave me¡ªto control me while she carried on with her life as if we never existed. Everything she ever got me, even those items still gracing my bedroom were pretty much the same things she gave her children¡ªto give a false warm fuzzy feeling to those when nothing was right and everything was wrong. Her words ¡°I love you forever¡± were only true if love remained on her terms¡ªa love I refused to accept. That may be her idea of love in her world full of material things, but not in my world. After her cold-hearted letter, there was no longer any doubt love existed on the terms of two people, and never just one. For two years, I believed she at least knew that much.

    After receiving the letter, Anya began posting more family pictures on her Facebook account. Knowing I¡¯d likely see them, there was no doubt an effort was being made to not only hurt me by sending a message, but to also bait me into doing something out of character¡ªwhat appeared to be the real purpose behind sending me the heart pendant. Her family picture posting antics took me back to the day we broke up, her words forming in my mind like a parasite feasting on my brain¡ªdevouring all hope I had left for us.

    ¡°I know people!¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m married!¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re immoral.¡±

    ¡°Do you want people to find out? People you love?¡±

    ¡°Creepy guy.¡±

    ¡°Your information has been given to our lawyer.¡±

    ¡°They¡¯re creeped out because of you.¡±

    Her caustic words, roosting, breeding, then infecting my mind, disrupted all the heart hoped to feel. It now appeared, the day she felt our love betrayed her kids, or was convinced of such, was the very day she stopped believing in all we were. After penning her a thirty-page apology letter, she felt the letter she penned me was deserved. You asked for closure? Well, then here you go because writing a kind letter and declining to meet would have been too difficult. It¡¯s not like I didn¡¯t make mistakes¡ªAnya was entitled to feel like she betrayed her kids because I lost my marbles at times, taking her away from the kids to deal with me. I got that. It''s the fact she could never make me a promise and never knowing if she ever could, even after all we shared emotionally and physically, that left me feeling betrayed and misled. Even believing the betrayal of her kids was twisted into a competition with what Jackson gave them versus what Landyn could¡ªme versus the kids. After receiving her nasty letter, it seemed to prove the heart pendant was only a tool of further manipulation. She knew how I felt about her and knew me well enough to know I read into everything¡ªshe gave me no option most times. I had no idea who the woman was who responded to me so harshly. That ¡°please do not contact me again¡± came from the same woman who told me she loved me from Abalone Cove to the beyond.

    Her letter feasted on my heart and mind, bringing me back to words said that were better left unsaid. The time she told me if she knew I¡¯d pressure her that she never would¡¯ve gotten involved with me¡ªwithout taking into consideration the things she intentionally omitted that would¡¯ve changed my mind¡ªnever telling me when we met, she was there for the sake of the kids¡ªthat mother¡¯s sacrifice their own happiness in the end. Nope, she allowed and encouraged me to fall deeply in love with her instead, claiming she couldn¡¯t help it. Now, when there were things I couldn¡¯t help? I get cruel short letters void of respect, or even an acknowledgement of the role she played in my emotions. Then again, she would have to know what love was to understand that much. After Jackson cheated on her, Anya was always in a victim¡¯s role¡ªthe only role she knew even when she stopped being one. While she hoped, wished and dreamt, she also found reasons to stay. Reasons that led her to be just fine without ever hearing from me again.

    Over the next two months, with thawing irritation, my heart rallied keeping the dream of closure alive¡ªactually believing the cold letter was deserved. With a renewed positive outlook, I even considered maybe she thought it was a way to get the heart pendant back. But if the silver heart was just another keepsake or memento, it was not worthy of holding onto¡ªonly representing how love eluded me once again. Her ghost surrounded me everyday through an alarm clock, music and scents¡ªa heart pendant only adding to the living lie. If Anya wanted to live her life that way, more power to her but reality drove me more than fantasy. Her love left me gasping for air in a treeless world. While love surrounded her every day, the ghost of my soulmate left me with nothing but a fleeting unfulfilled life.

    Seeking closure through a chance encounter, I had lunch one day at a restaurant a block away from the former Paseos¡ªthe bar we first met. Knowing where she lived, it would be easy to see if I could follow her but there were still things my heart wouldn¡¯t be able to see. Most people in my heart and mind wrenching situation would¡¯ve resorted to stalking, but my pride wouldn¡¯t allow me to do it. Giving her a happenstance chance to explain herself was the best way to achieve the closure needed, and if a nudging from the universe was required then my pride couldn¡¯t get in the way. Searching the internet to see what Anya was up to from time to time was hard enough but physically hanging outside her residence would be too much¡ªI wasn¡¯t the greatest man on the planet but I was better than that. While sitting at a table alone in the restaurant with my thoughts, an excruciatingly normal thing in my life, a group of five adults and a number of kids entered and walked past my table. Without paying much attention and dipping one of my French fries into ketchup, a familiar voice penetrated the air.

    ¡°Hey.¡±

    ¡°Oh!¡± I replied, looking up before being shocked to see who stood before me. ¡°Hey, Debbie.¡±

    ¡°How are you.¡± Debbie said, not in the form of a question.

    ¡°I¡¯m pretty good.¡± I lied, not knowing how she perceived me. ¡°How are you?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m good. I¡¯m here with my son, Josh.¡± she told me, turning and pointing to him. ¡°He¡¯s right over there with his friends. They graduated from middle school today.¡±

    ¡°Oh wow, congratulations.¡± I said, with genuine sincerity and surprised she felt comfortable around me. ¡°You have a high schooler on your hands now too?¡±

    ¡°I do!¡± She smiled proudly. ¡°Here we go!¡±

    While laughing heartily at her response, a fear of not knowing what to say filled me. Instead of running into Anya, I ran into her close friend, a curveball from the universe. Not knowing what you wanted to say when having so much to say may have been an experience of hell on earth. I wanted to ask Debbie about Anya¡¯s accident. I even felt compelled to explain my side of the story to her, but her non apprehensive approach felt like acceptance¡ªas if I didn¡¯t have to because someone already did¡ªshe must have known my struggle on some level.

    ¡°What are you doing out this way?¡± She inquired.This narrative has been purloined without the author''s approval. Report any appearances on Amazon.

    ¡°Just stopping off for lunch before I visit my mom.¡± I lied again, my real reason leaving me suddenly craving a Vicodin.

    ¡°Oh, I see.¡± She replied, seemingly disappointed in my answer. ¡°Well, it¡¯s nice to see you, Landyn.¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s really nice to see you, Debbie.¡± I told her, meaning every word. ¡°I think of you and Carolyn often.¡±

    ¡°You know¡­¡± she spoke, pausing as she looked upward then down at me. ¡°Over the last few months¡­I¡¯ve sort of reinvented myself.¡±

    ¡°Really?¡± I replied, her answer leaving me in wonder. ¡°How so?¡±

    ¡°Well, I just cook more at home now and don¡¯t go out as much anymore.¡± She elaborated. ¡°I¡¯ve decided to do something else career wise.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m happy for you, Debbie.¡±

    The changes she made in her life were all good things, but her reinvention seemed to be telling me something else--most likely her way of wanting me to know my relationship with Anya on some level changed her life. Anya used to tell me that Carolyn and Debbie understood my struggles and that Anya couldn¡¯t blame me for the way I felt. Although Anya disagreed at times and my presentation wasn¡¯t always the best because my emotions got in the way, she could see the place I was coming from; that a real love existed for her if she was brave enough to break the spell of martyrdom. Both Anya and Debbie were cheated on by their husbands, but not one time did I ever see Debbie with another man. She flirted but in a healthy way¡ªone that suggested her heart was still at home. But unlike Anya, Debbie was still in love with her husband and never allowed another person into her life before she reinvented herself, or was willing to do so. Or maybe my falling out with Anya inspired Debbie to be a better person because she knew how things could fall to the wayside; that being a witness to our relationship likely scared her straight. Most importantly, she learned not all men didn¡¯t believe love was unrealistic.

    The opportunity to snatch details about Anya¡¯s accident were right there but hearing it from Debbie instead of Anya stopped me in my tracks. And honestly, the last thing I wanted to know was that Anya was happy without me¡ªI didn¡¯t know if she knew about asking for the necklace back or about the heart pendant. If we had a conversation about Anya, our reunion could go downhill quickly. I didn¡¯t want to say something regretful, nor wanted to make her uncomfortable around her son. If the horse wasn¡¯t there, then hearing it from Debbie¡¯s mouth would not suffice. After we finished our short but pleasant conversation, the sandwich before me couldn¡¯t coax my appetite into reappearing. To know Debbie didn¡¯t find me to be the ¡°creepy guy¡± Anya claimed I was the day we broke up, left me feeling halfway decent for the first time in over a year. I didn¡¯t think Debbie had a reason to reinvent herself, as much as Anya did, but maybe that was her way of telling me Anya reinvented herself as well? For Anya to sink back into her home life after all we shared left me asking what my life was for. Not because I wouldn¡¯t want that for her, if she truly wanted that, but the only reason she would do so was because I forced her hand. It left me to wonder how I could spend all this time wondering if Anya was being honest with me, when she was never honest with herself. With these uncomfortable thoughts filling my head, I rose from my chair before leaving a twenty-dollar bill on the table then waving good-bye to Debbie.

    On a much different level, I missed Debbie and Carolyn too. Although they essentially enabled Anya to hurt me, they trusted she believed in our love as much as I did. Or, maybe she didn¡¯t talk to Anya anymore and that¡¯s why she ¡°reinvented¡± herself? Debbie seemed to defend me when Anya spoke with her about our relationship¡ªremembering the time Anya told me ¡°they would die¡± if Debbie and Carolyn knew of my struggles. Anya always told me their disagreements were never over me, but rather ¡°girlfriend being a bad girlfriend¡± issues. Still, a part of me believed Debbie knew the truth she kept from me. Anya¡¯s ¡°only if he asks will I tell him the truth¡± approach was maddening¡ªboth warming and destroying me inside. While Anya feared losing me over those things, I feared being played for the fool. After one of my meltdowns, Debbie told Anya we had something special¡ªlove and respect. When Anya told me she told her that, it seemed to reveal Anya communicated to her, or maybe Debbie witnessed it, Jackson''s disrespect. It also might have revealed that she knew about Jackson¡¯s indiscretions all along. It wouldn¡¯t have been beyond Anya to hide that from me if she feared her integrity would come into question. But she never owed Jackson anything after chipping away her love with his gross disrespect and disloyalty. I saw Debbie as a friend, not a close friend like Anya was to her, but only has an extension of the friendship she had with Anya. Debbie never responded to my email the day Anya called the cops on me, but after approaching me at the restaurant with zero reservations, she didn¡¯t want to conspire against me too¡ªshe likely had to forward my communication to the authorities because her husband and Jackson were friends. It was good to know, Debbie likely saw the ridiculousness of a chip being installed in Anya¡¯s phone and her forwarding of my texts to ¡°their lawyer¡± as much as I did. There was no question Jackson convinced Anya she wasn¡¯t a good mother with me in her life and was destroying the future of her children if she didn¡¯t obey his wishes. Although my heart knew Anya would never have acted out in such a manner, my mind still asked, ¡°are you sure¡±?

    Jackson was a father having two kids who adored him¡ªI never wanted that to change. Although he fell short at times, like most parents running their own business, the love for his kids was not up for debate. He undoubtedly sacrificed his happiness as well for them both, but he viewed me as the villain¡ªnot the man who pulled the trigger on his wife¡¯s heart for years. If I believed my wife loved another man, knowing it happened because of my gross disrespect over many years, I¡¯d be betraying my kids by threatening to fight for their custody if she chose happiness. Jackson saw my face in the mirror instead, unable to face the reality he caused the instability in his home. My heart, eyes and mind were all in the right place and everything he tried to pin on me, were things I never foresaw happening¡ªall I needed to do was sweep Anya off her feet and she would leave. I trusted her promise and further trusting she would never allow me into a situation that wasn¡¯t broken beyond repair. That the only reason she was there was because no one would catch her if she fell. With open arms little did I know she was never ambivalent to her marriage and needed assurances from her kids in order to leave Jackson, even requiring him to be unfaithful one more time.

    Feeling left for dead, my life became uncomfortable and unrecognizable. All this love for her only brought me closer to the end of days. Falling behind on my mounting credit card debt prompting daily calls from collectors became my new normal. While continuing to work for two restaurant clients who promised to pay me when they had certain things lined up only brought me penalties and interest. When they did finally pay me something, I had to play catch up on my past due monthly bills¡ªhaving to blow off my tax obligations with the state and IRS. Moving back in with my parents at forty years old was nothing my pride would allow to happen. The only way my father and I got along was because we lived apart. With my investments losing value daily, a depleted bank account, my mother¡¯s illness, a mounting debt and broken mind, the daily stress forced me to take more pills to function. It got to a point, I had to find Jett a new home¡ªhe needed an owner who wasn¡¯t falling apart at the seams.

    One of my clients blamed a bartender, who he believed was stealing from him, for his inability to pay me on time. After doing a bar inventory to determine that possibility, it seemed the bartender¡¯s tip jar was more lucrative than the alcohol sales he rang up at the register each evening. After the owner approached the bartender about it, he denied it but each week our alcohol costs increased with little profit to show. I then decided to come in after the bar closed to do a hand count of the money before giving everyone their tips for the night. When I was in the office counting, the bartender entered asking why I was doing hand counts. After looking up at him and simply replying ¡°I think you know why¡± he stormed out of the office, but I quickly demanded him to come back. After explaining to him how the generous pours to generate higher tips was causing the restaurant to fail, he began to push back¡ªclaiming the owner still owed him money for the bar he constructed at the restaurant. It was at this point I knew the restaurant would soon fail and I¡¯d never be paid for my efforts. I quit the next day losing the seven thousand dollars he still owed me in the process.

    Everyday brought with it a different challenge, deepening the hole under my feet and in my heart¡ªnever fathoming that love could cause so much wreckage. Constant headaches and stomach issues never experienced before made it difficult to get through the days. Worst of all, rationalizing Anya¡¯s letter drove me further into the abyss. What if she held her accident against me? Feeling I forced her hand allowing this to happen to her? My mother didn¡¯t seem to buy those theories of mine, but my drug induced mind did¡ªhelping me stay in tune to the good feelings she gave me and not the bad ones. As more days passed in silence, the more my need grew to seek the truth behind the heart pendant one last time. Although closure seemed to be unobtainable, the truth never was. After all I trusted in and endured, she owed me an explanation. Wondering about its true meaning for the rest of my life was unbearable. What was she trying to tell me? Did it come from Lance and she included it by mistake? If it was mistakenly thrown in there, I needed to know for certain. All I¡¯ve done is live on hope for the last three years¡ªthe hope she¡¯d be brave enough to do the right thing¡ªthe hope she didn¡¯t lie to me when we met¡ªthe hope she wouldn¡¯t lie to me now. She couldn¡¯t send people her heart for no reason¡ªlove was not a game and this was not a movie. All I ever felt for Anya had to be based in reality.

    For her to feel she didn¡¯t owe me an explanation for the heart pendant disturbed me¡ªshe knew full well how much I read into everything. If she refused to tell me in person, she then could¡¯ve told me in the letter. Instead, the woman who claimed she would love me forever, only offered her coldest rebuke yet. Anya never had to wonder about me. I shared with her every emotion, good and bad, I ever had. And why? Because I owed it to her. I owed her the chance to steer me in a different direction if my thought process was off the deep end. She never really gave me that opportunity. Her actions and inactions inspired my emotions, yet she took zero responsibility for them. We didn¡¯t date for a couple of days, a couple of weeks, or even a couple of months but for a couple of years. The last year of our relationship only got more intense due to depth of our feelings, even telling me in San Francisco she loved me "more than ever¡±--her greatest statement yet after all our struggles. If there was any vindictiveness behind the heart pendant, I had to know where to direct my feelings.

    Still fighting the urge to respond to her nasty letter, an internet search led me to an interesting discovery¡ªJackson and Anya filed a lawsuit against the person she was involved in the accident with. This inadvertent discovery confirmed she was indeed in an auto accident, but it also revealed an unforeseen twist--the person involved was the bartender at the restaurant I did consulting work for. Of all people, it was the same bartender at the restaurant? Did the universe have a hand in this? One of my greatest regrets on the day we broke up was not giving Anya a chance to talk things out¡ªclaiming me she had so many things to tell me. The Vicodin played a terrible role in my mood that day, dragging me further away from her. Funny how I used the pill to keep her close to the heart when she felt so far away, but in the end, it took me away from her. I could only hope the heart pendant was her way of sharing those things with me¡ªwords that might have made all the difference in the world. Of course, I didn¡¯t know if it would, but if she owed me an explanation, I owed her that much¡ªto hear her out. For all I knew, the accident occurred just outside the restaurant. After seeing the details on the internet, my belief in coincidences further faded away¡ªthe universe seemingly instructing me to write one last letter.

    Dearest Anya,

    I couldn¡¯t help but notice you might have hurt your forearm in your FB profile picture. I hope you¡¯re okay and it was nothing serious. If anything bad happened to you, it would hurt me a lot more than anything ever could. As cold as your last letter intended to be, I felt more hurt in it than coldness. As far as my thoughts on ¡°what love is¡±, I feel I may have been unfair about most of it when I wrote you eight months ago in December. I just had a rough year processing my grief. Missing you is where it all stems from. So, I just want to clear up some of the statements I made in that letter.

    ¡°Love would¡¯ve never allowed him to stop us from being together or seeing each other for one day. It simply would¡¯ve told him to live with it or leave.¡±

    This was a horrible statement for me to make simply because he doesn¡¯t want to pay for child support and lose them as dependents. Not saying that he doesn¡¯t love his kids, but I think keeping money in his pocket and keeping it from you (hurting you) is how he wasn¡¯t going to allow it. When you told me he wouldn¡¯t allow it, you meant to tell me he was going to get back at you in some way. This was an ignorant statement for me to make that was self-centered around my pain.

    ¡°Everything isn¡¯t anything when you¡¯re in love with someone.¡±

    If everything includes losing the respect of your children in the process, then it is something and it¡¯s huge. It had nothing to do with not being in love with me. Again, it was an ignorant and self-centered statement to make.

    ¡°I believe love knows no shame, only pride.¡±

    In a perfect situation, yes, I believe in this. If you¡¯d lose the respect of your children? No. That¡¯s something I would never want you to lose and it has nothing to do with pride. Again, I was wrong.

    ¡°Love when found is never left to destiny or chance because love is simply a need.¡±

    You didn¡¯t need my love the way I was acting therefore I forced you to leave our love to destiny and chance, clearly something you didn¡¯t want to do, but I left you with no choice. Not a fair statement to make and needless to say, ignorant and self-centered.

    ¡°In this day and age of the internet, love would¡¯ve found a way to slip up and keep in touch, someway, somehow.¡±

    I forced this upon you with my actions. He¡¯s playing the ¡°I¡¯ll tell the kids¡± card and again, it¡¯s my fault. I don¡¯t want you to ever lose the respect of your children, and I have no one to blame but myself for this.

    If I missed anything, I¡¯m sorry. I felt these statements were the most outrageous ones and were the most glaringly wrong statements I made in my letter to you. I don¡¯t resent you for telling me the things you did in the heat of the moment, like ¡°maybe this will help my marriage¡±. I was only upset because I walked away when we first met because you were married, and I felt like you forgot about that. But again, I¡¯m trying to own up here to what led you to feel that way. I believe you said that because you knew that¡¯s not what we both wanted and it was done to stop me in my tracks from reaching out to your husband. In a perfect situation, I believe all the statements I provided above are applicable, but not in our situation, and it¡¯s only fair to acknowledge that. I understand there are other forms of love and you gave me the only form you could due to the circumstances. That¡¯s what made your love a unique gift. Regardless of if I felt those terms should have changed in some way, I was absolutely wrong to force my hand in order to change them because the bottom line is I forced a decision upon you that was not mine to make. It¡¯s something I¡¯m not supposed to do under ANY circumstances. I was wrong to do so. I hope you can look at those things I said about love as being more about having an extremely tough time accepting you¡¯re no longer a part of my life. I guess it was easier to think you were never in love with me, but it¡¯s not that easy. I¡¯ve come to learn that my actions weren¡¯t about your husband learning you were in love with me. I know that¡¯s not what made you angry. I believe what made you angry was your children possibly finding out about your infidelity and then losing respect for you. That¡¯s just something I would never want to happen, and if I thought him knowing you were ¡°in love¡± with me would¡¯ve opened that door, I would¡¯ve never acted the way that I did. I just didn¡¯t understand what was truly at stake. In regards to this being about me, I can now see how you felt that way.

    I don¡¯t know if she told you, but I ran into Debbie at CPK on 2<sup>nd</sup> Street. I was really surprised she came up to me to say hi, but I¡¯m really happy she did. I just thought everyone hated me now. It was really nice to see her. We talked for a bit. I was afraid to ask about you just because I didn¡¯t think it was right to do so, considering she was having lunch with her son and family, plus it¡¯s still hard on me emotionally, but of course you were all I thought of. She asked me how I was. I told her I was good and stopped off for lunch on my way to visit my mom. Just please know that I wanted to ask her how you were. I really care about you, but I was afraid of what I might hear, and to be honest, I¡¯m not good at all, I¡¯m just ok. I will always care about you. Please don¡¯t forget that.

    Now to explain what I was trying to accomplish in my December letter. What I was trying to do was let you go, the way you asked of me. Not because I want to or because my feelings changed, but because it felt like you have truly let go of me. As wrong as it was to ask for the necklace back, something I gave to you forever, unfortunately you holding onto it was giving me hope that maybe some of the things I have written you will hit home, and that there was a chance you may change your mind about us. That maybe you saw in some way the things I did. After a while of thinking this way, I started to feel I was fooling myself. I imagined the necklace hidden somewhere in a drawer or box and being stumbled upon from time to time. That there¡¯s more shame and guilt associated with it than love or pride. I then started to realize our love wasn¡¯t looked upon as breaking up a marriage to an unfaithful and disrespectful husband, but truly viewed upon as breaking up a family and hurting kids instead. I had no idea that was what I agreed to when I decided to give us a chance. I want you to know I KNOW you went through a lot around your kids for me. I know it was hell on earth for you, because you¡¯re such a good mother, and I¡¯d even go as far to say I¡¯ve had it easier at those times and it¡¯s always been tough on me, even now without you in my life. I just think about all the times we would argue, and it really breaks my heart to know I put you through that around, of all people, your kids. I understand why you feel you betrayed them, but I also feel I betrayed them by not being a stronger person for you, but as much as I believed in love, I didn¡¯t know its raw power until I met you and truly fell into it. I think that¡¯s why I took that to heart. I couldn¡¯t see it from where I was at the time, but I do now.

    The truth of the matter is simply this. I was upset with you because you looked upon our love as breaking up a family instead of a marriage described to me as ¡°no marriage¡± due to a lack of the most two essential components of any marriage, trust and love. You are upset with me because I questioned your love after you¡¯ve risked everything. I think it¡¯s safe to say we both had the right to be upset with each other, and we both would¡¯ve walked away from each other in the beginning if we thought these things would¡¯ve ever come into question. The bottom line is we both made mistakes. I was hoping maybe we could air our feelings out ONLY in a healthy way so that¡¯s why I suggested a meeting, but I don¡¯t blame you at all for not meeting up with me. I understand. I guess you were afraid I was going to be angry if you didn¡¯t meet me, but not at all. Sure, I was disappointed, but I can¡¯t blame you. I¡¯m sure it would have been hard on both of us, especially you because you¡¯d have to come back home to your kids.

    When you returned the necklace to me, the last thing I was expecting from you was a heart pendant. I wasn¡¯t prepared for that. In our nearly 2 years together, other than the bookmark, you¡¯ve never given me something with so much meaning. It was a bold statement after the letter I sent, and it means a lot considering all you¡¯ve been through with me. It reminded me of the thing I loved most about you: how you could say ¡°I love you¡± without saying it. I carry it around with me quite a bit. It was in my laptop bag which was in my car when I ran into Debbie. If I had it with me in the restaurant, I could have shown her how I was really doing.

    One time after one of my moments a few days after a beautiful weekend together, you said this to me.

    ¡°You make me feel like this weekend shouldn¡¯t have happened.¡±

    That statement was so powerful and showed how strongly you believed in us. That¡¯s not a ¡°I will hurt my kids¡± statement. That¡¯s an ¡°I love you, Landyn¡± statement and it¡¯s indisputable. We should¡¯ve happened no matter what the circumstances were. Over the last year and a half, I¡¯ve realized this was never a fight for your heart. Your heart pendant tells me I have that. What I was fighting for all along was for you to have true love in your life one day. We aren¡¯t together because of a lack of love but because of a lack of understanding. You told me what we had was special, and you didn¡¯t want to lose that. I don¡¯t want you or myself to lose that either. It¡¯s why I¡¯ve written you letters after you¡¯ve told me not to contact you, and if caring about your true happiness makes me guilty of stalking and/or harassment then consider me guilty as charged. I¡¯m not afraid to walk the plank for us. I¡¯ve got nothing left without you anyway. I just cannot believe for a second, we were ever about breaking up a family or hurting your kids, and I fight because I can¡¯t allow you to believe that either. If you don¡¯t know this about me already, I love you. I¡¯m a hopeless romantic. A real one. I feel warmth where there is coldness and I see light where there is darkness. I believe in love therefore I believe in miracles. I believe wishes, hopes and dreams are the three things in life no one should ever give up on. I believe in second chances and new beginnings. I believe what we had was not about breaking up a family, but rather about two great people through the grace of the Universe, finally finding each other. I believe in the power of forgiveness and I believe you still love me more than I know.

    So, this is what I¡¯ll do. If you can at least believe in ¡°Never Say Never¡±. If you can believe the good times we shared were the times that truly defined us, and you can believe in the things I just wrote in the above paragraph, especially about us not being about breaking up a family, you don¡¯t have to write me back. Just mail me one of your pink envelopes within a week¡¯s time of your receipt of this letter so I can at least know that much. You¡¯ve sent me your heart and by doing so, you are telling me I have it. It¡¯s a powerful statement and all I¡¯m asking for is for you to show me it means as much to you as it means to me. That¡¯s a love I believe in. That¡¯s a love I can trust in. I want to see you truly happy one day. I don¡¯t want you to suffer forever. I want to show you in this life, with love, anything is possible. It just takes time and understanding.

    I love you forever.

    Landyn

    And then I waited for a two-ounce empty pink envelope that carried the weight of the universe.

 CHAPTER 32 ~ IN ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM

    ¡°Do you believe in love?

    Do you believe in destiny?

    True love may come only once in a thousand lifetimes.¡±

    ~ ¡°Dracula¡± Iced Earth

    Landyn, Unauthorized reproduction: this story has been taken without approval. Report sightings.

    There is no meaning, nor was there ever any, behind the heart pendant. It means nothing. If you are truly the man you say you are and want the ¡°best for me¡± then please stop contacting me in any way, shape, or form. Stop writing me please. By honoring my wishes, you will remain noble and all doubt will be removed.

    Please do not reply.

    I wish you the best in life.

    Goodbye

    P.S.

    As far as my accident goes I¡¯m in chronic pain, depressed, and heavily medicated, have not worked out in a year, overweight and hardly leave the house. Please don¡¯t contact me.

    Needless to say, her letter never arrived in a pink envelope.

 CHAPTER 33 ~ REINVENTION

    ¡°You left the scene without a trace

    One hand on the ground, one hand in space.

    Oh, you passed on mercy, you tried the rest

    You gave your body, you gave your best.

    Starin¡¯ at the green door, livin¡¯ in the sky

    You don¡¯t wanna know, you just wanna fly.

    ¡°uh-oh Hello (hello), hello again.¡±

    ~ ¡°Hello Again¡± The Cars

    After my world took another hit from a denser comet, a numbness ran through my mind and soul. To hear she was heavily medicated, in chronic pain, depressed, hadn¡¯t worked out in a year and never left the house was hard to read. The other side of the comet was much harder to absorb, unwilling to believe she wrote it, regardless of the handwriting¡¯s authenticity. Or maybe because concentrating on that other part would officially vanquish her love forever. Concentrating on the accident that left her in such bad shape, writing an email to Debbie and Carolyn became a matter of instinct.

    Debbie/Carolyn,

    I heard about Anya¡¯s accident. How could you guys not tell me about this? Do you have any idea why I was truly in her life at all? Do you truly think we were about wrecking a family and hurting kids? What kind of person do you think I am? If that was true, why would I have ever gotten involved? Do you know how many times she voiced her complaints about having to run kids around in hazardous conditions to get them to and from activities? Do you know how many times she voiced her unhappiness to me? How much I made her happy? What¡¯s my crime? Wanting her to pursue happiness? If Jackson had been a true-blue faithful husband and I pushed her to be with me, then I could understand being judged but that was not the case. I pushed HER to have love and happiness¡ªnot to break up a family and hurt kids. She shouldn¡¯t be punished just for wanting to be happy and not feel alone. If her mental wellbeing isn¡¯t in place, how could the well being of her kids ever be? Do you think she was being irrational now, Carolyn? It¡¯s only irrational for her to stay and to keep putting herself in the position to go through what she¡¯s going through now. I¡¯m in search of the truth here. What was my true role in this? I thought I was helping someone out, not destroying lives.

    I wrote this email with every intention to send, but never did¡ªjust needing to get all the emotions out in front of me. Inside a fire raged, knowing I could get her well again and back on track. Back in her kick boxing class and running halves. Back to being there for her kids¡ªplaying catch with Andrew¡ªhelping Katie backstage at her shows. Taking a couple Vicodin to slow down my speeding heartbeat after taking an arrow to it, left her letter''s cold intentioned nature lost in translation. Her purposeful intention never phasing me, still too connected to her pain¡ªto her sadness. Knowing my absence in her life now led to physical pain is why I fought for a promise¡ªfor her to know. There was never an intention to break up a family, but to care for a woman who never deserved this. The need to be there for her now greater than ever, to ensure this never happened again. Knowing her struggle and the life she ¡°hated¡±, she remained in harm¡¯s way--as long as I was out of the way. She told me one time ¡°life is beyond scary¡± without me in it and now, I know what she meant. Scary for the both of us.

    Consumed with an unexplained uneasiness even Vicodin pills couldn¡¯t stymie, I went online seeking any new information about her. It was there where I learned the true extent of her pain and her inability to work out in a year. The depth of her depression, the resulting weight gain and why she never left the house¡ªtwo weeks earlier it took her four hours and twenty-two minutes to finish the Los Angeles marathon. It didn¡¯t mean Anya couldn¡¯t be in chronic pain due to the accident. It didn¡¯t mean she couldn¡¯t be heavily medicated. It also didn¡¯t mean she never left the house and she still never visited the gym to work out in a year. But, if she was strong enough to run a twenty-six-mile race, she couldn¡¯t be in the amount of pain she wanted me to believe she was in.

    After getting through my initial emotional reaction brought on by her letter, I shifted my emotions to the rest of the message. As I did, it inspired an internet search for articles about women staying for the sake of the kids. Each article found driving home the point¡ªit was wrong to stay for the sake of the kids in instances of infidelity. Not a single article in favor of staying in those marriages. As much as Anya never wanted to face anything, I¡¯ve come to see my own stubbornness¡ªhow I never wanted to face anything either¡ªwanting badly to hold onto a love that had already left me for dead. Although it hurt to know the pain her accident caused, it also brought with it the time to see things for what they were¡ªnot what I hoped for things to be. Her memory surrounded me in shapes and forms¡ªthe alarm clock on my nightstand, the CD¡¯s stacked next to the iPod lying on my dresser and all that music in my head. Four years of living and breathing Anya, even without her in my life for half that time, had turned me into a stranger to myself. And after all the caring, all the loving, all the giving, and all the suffering, she only cared enough to tell me to fuck off at the same time wishing me the best in life¡ªher politics on full blatant display. Telling me the heart pendant had zero meaning was something I could take but would never understand its intent¡ªeven after requesting my nobility yet never finding the nobility to tell me the truth about her love. Rather than an apology, or just sending me back the necklace, then wishing me the best in life, she toyed with my emotions one last time with another tool of manipulation. Sending me a memento with one purpose¡ªto serve herself.

    Stewing over the letter became my newest pastime¡ªnow knowing all I tried to deny. Time seemed to stand still, her treason crushing me deeply enough to crack everything ever held dearly. Landyn was the greatest, most wonderful perfect man in the world as long as he remained a secret. Believing Anya lied to me also meant lying to myself tenfold. She didn¡¯t care how her staying left me to feel¡ªlooking at it as her duty to her kids to leave a forever deepened crater inside me. Our love was just something she never believed in, and if she ever did, it was for a brief time. To allow and encourage all these emotions without reservation, malicious intent was the only word for it. Love would¡¯ve never stopped her from seeing me. Love would¡¯ve known what we stood for¡ªnever looking upon us as betraying kids. Love would¡¯ve wanted me to meet Andrew and Katie after sharing their daily lives with me. Above all else, if she ever loved me, it would¡¯ve never been a question of if but when. Blinded by her version of love, bombing me with it, left me deaf too.

    If the heart pendant had no meaning, it was only right to return it. Anya had the choice of writing me a kind letter, instead she chose nastiness. After all she led me to believe and fight for, she had no right. If her plan was to deny me closure, then seeking it the same way she chose to love me, on my own terms would be the mission. Anya wanted the best in life for me yet chose the path of sending a hurtful message instead, even posting pictures of her sitting on the lap of the pig that changed my life forever because of all she told me about him. She had five fucking months before she dated me to think about betraying her kids¡ªeven dating another before me. She approached and pursued me and initiated over ninety percent of all the meetings we ever had¡ªclaiming she missed me and didn¡¯t know how she¡¯d make it through her days. Each time there I was¡ªcatching her¡ªtrusting her every word. After all I¡¯ve risked personally, with my life falling apart at the seams every single waking day, I deserved her respect, not her nastiness.

    To a certain extent, this was my fault¡ªtrusting someone I had no business trusting. While each night she still laid next to and shared intimacy with a man she told me cheated on her several times¡ªthe only reason I chose to trust her¡ªtrusting her pain enough to be loyal to her regardless. Her disrespectful letter was not deserved from a woman who encouraged, who allowed and who brought me into her life. I never approached her¡ªshe approached me. My only crime was pointing out the truth about her feelings, expecting her to ignore them only if she never loved me. For her to trust the man who scoured every resource available to justify our love¡ªto know it could never be a betrayal of her children. My reward, knowing how deeply I still loved her, was one last toy¡ªa heart pendant that meant ¡°nothing¡±.

    If Anya truly ever loved me, and our love was truly special, she would¡¯ve never jeopardized losing it. I told her if Jackson truly loved her, he would¡¯ve never cheated one time because he¡¯d never risk losing it¡ªmy own advice haunting me forever. All the times she questioned my authenticity, the day she told me ¡°we mothers sacrifice anything for our children¡±, after allowing and encouraging me to fall deeply in love with her, was the day I should have known she was never real. Something I should¡¯ve heard from her the night we met¡ªnot six months after experiencing the greatest love I¡¯ll ever know without restraint. Those tears I heard over the phone in Canada, the endless sobs were for herself and for her kids, never meant for us. My only role in her life was to make it interesting again, to be her confidant, giving her sexual pleasure without worrying about kids being around. While her role in mine was to be all I ever believed in¡ªmy everything.

    Love would¡¯ve been up front with me, never leading me to question it enough to ask for her to return the necklace seeking its truth. Love would¡¯ve wanted the necklace to be representative of a promise ring¡ªnot just a keepsake. The thingie may not have been representative of a promise for her, but it had to be representative of trust in her love for me. Everything isn¡¯t anything, when you¡¯re in love with someone. The only reason she considered it bold asking for the necklace was because she chose to stay with someone else¡ªclaiming it was a betrayal of her kids if she didn¡¯t as if we never shared a thing for two years. Now, nearly two years later, the only reason she ¡°loved¡± me was because her marriage afforded her financial support and security¡ªnever having to be on a budget. To believe I was truly loved was my greatest error of judgment made, in a life full of them.

    The burning desire to call to get everything off my chest was quelled when realizing she¡¯d likely just hang up the phone. The person who wrote that letter couldn¡¯t have cared less. The kids would only hate me more¡ªalready the villain in this story to them¡ªMom and Dad were the heroes. It seemed Anya made a pact with Jackson to do everything in their power to stay for the sake of the kids, or at least until they were out of the house. The problem was Anya never informed me of it when we met, deciding to allow me to fall in love with her then making me aware of it. For all I knew, Jackson was standing over her shoulder when that letter was written. Her handwriting did appear frantic, but my mind disallowed me from making further excuses for her behavior. For those who ever claimed to love me, demanding them to prove it and not just say it became paramount. After all my failed relationships, a great need to hold the word ¡°love¡± to the highest of standards existed. In fact, no one should ever expect anything less. People needed to mean what they say and say what they mean when it comes to the words ¡°I love you¡±¡ªespecially when ¡°forever¡± trails it.

    Anya knew I still loved her, without a doubt. Giving her a hard time about these ill feelings was never on my to-do list¡ªno one should have to put up with my whining, bitching, and moaning. Her feeling sorry for me was the last thing on the earth I wanted. The truth began to hit me harder than anything¡ªwhen you love someone, it never feels that way. If all Anya could see was her kids being hurt each time I took a stand for our love¡ªwanting her to make a promise and making it not a question of if but when¡ªthen it just couldn¡¯t have been love. When she told me ¡°what¡± after asking her to make a promise to be with me on St. Patrick¡¯s Day spoke louder than anything she ever told me¡ªthe game was on. My trust after that moment, without realizing it, shattered into pieces.

    The unique gift was me. She had no right meeting her ¡°soulmate¡± after she got married, if she ever felt she betrayed her kids. If my duty was to be a big boy if things didn¡¯t work out, then she needed to be a big girl by being honest about my role in her life. If anyone respected Anya, how could they ever find fault in her reasons? Anya was never ditching her kids, or her role as mother, for me. When she looked upon things that way¡ªshe gave me no chance. If she truly ever loved me, wouldn¡¯t she have been proud of it? I was the second guy, not the first. Who was she trying to fool? Why did she wreck my life by allowing me to feel so much then never knowing? The truth was, she always knew, but she played as far as the game would allow her to. When it got into the later innings, her mask came off. She told me she hated her life and her anger would never be resolved yet still conspired with Jackson and begged for his forgiveness in the end. Now, I had more than enough reasons for losing trust in her. I only acted out in a manner consistent with someone who claimed to be in love with me. Someone who missed me constantly¡ªfrom the minute she woke up until she fell asleep and then all over again. Someone who hated their life who dreamt, hoped, and wished to be with me¡ªeven having a dream about our wedding and wanting to wear my ring. Now, it all seemed like a phase she went through and all she needed was time away and a return to her not having to be on a budget existence. Her words as empty and deceptive as the darkest of all souls. My sanity forever questionable.

    It just felt she had planned this all along¡ªtaking advantage of my ¡°innocent¡± qualities knowing how this would all play out. Love bombing to throw me off enough to question my sanity if I ever questioned her true intentions, or a lack of intent to be together. Anya claimed to never know what she, and we, were up against, but she had a neighborhood full of families who dealt with instances of infidelities and divorce as sources. Even the police official in her neighborhood was likely put on high alert months before we crashed¡ªher go to person if anything happened like this between us. Everything that day caught me by total surprise¡ªit seemed too well orchestrated, as if this happened to her before. If she ever had real plans to be with me, reminding me of my I¡¯d be a ¡°big boy¡± comment if things didn¡¯t work out would never have crossed her mind¡ªespecially after denying me a very deserving full disclosure the night we reconnected.

    She painted a picture of herself to me as a wife deeply angered and affected by her husband¡¯s gross disrespect¡ªher heart having been chipped away over the years. She never told me it was all in the past before allowing me to fall in love with her and giving her the person she needed if she left¡ªthe only reason she was still there. She never told me she had forgiven him but not just forgotten¡ªforgiveness can never exist with remembrance. She didn¡¯t tell me about a mother¡¯s sacrifice¡ªthe true reason she was still married until six months after we reconnected. Lance, the man she was with before me, never left her because she had kids¡ªwhat she led me to believe. Lance left her because he found out the same way I did¡ªshe either left him or was forced to leave her. Either way, she abandoned him the same way she abandoned me¡ªand she was offering no apologies for it¡ªnot a single one. She sold her marriage to me as a ¡°situation¡± even telling me ¡°there is no marriage¡± yet screamed the last day of our relationship ¡°I¡¯m married!¡± My eyes and heart couldn¡¯t believe the things she texted me with a complete disregard for anything she ever told me and everything we ever shared. After revealing she needed permission from her kids to leave, or for him to cheat on her again, it left me wading in an ocean suddenly vaporized--here I was and there she wasn¡¯t.

    I¡¯ve never taken advantage of people¡¯s emotions and feelings for me, treating them like glass. If Anya¡¯s love had a face, it would look like Bernie Madoff--using my emotions against me, allowing and encouraging a codependency on her love then forgetting all she sold me on¡ªthe ultimate bait and switch. Her callous ¡°it¡¯s how I felt at the time¡± statement screamed a sense of entitlement. She was entitled to allow and encourage people to fall in love with her even on false ground, one she planned to pull out from under any man she loved--a demonic characteristic. Anya had a right to be upset with me at times, I never wanted to be right about anything I questioned, but she needed to look at herself to understand why the questions existed. Instead she didn¡¯t want to face anything anymore¡ªas if she was an innocent five year old child¡ªnot only leaving me with a broken heart but with a broken soul.

    I truly believed Anya loved me, even with the doubts, but after her unapologetic letter, she simply didn¡¯t know what love was enough to know she did¡ªthe heart pendant would have had meaning. Anya had manifested into Denise times a million¡ªthere was no surviving this. Anya told me she was not a good actress, and she was right¡ªshe wasn¡¯t an actress, but a salesperson always on circuit. She got her idea of love from movies, books and music¡ªfrom those who probably didn¡¯t know what love was either. The evidence of her loveless ways was overwhelming, and it always was. I just refused to pay attention¡ªuntil now. Love had to become a verb before it became a noun¡ªit¡¯s that simple. Being in love with Anya was the dearest and greatest of all things life ever offered me. She made it seem like a normal everyday thing to feel. In the end, it seemed she was just a desperate housewife in search of excitement and privacy outside her marriage, accidentally meeting a man who believed in love and would hold her accountable. She banked on me leaving her, and when I didn¡¯t, she shifted her plan, doing what every woman who never loved me did. This time, respecting the serial philanderer over the man who would never dream of doing such a thing, by allowing Jackson to keep us apart.

    She love bombed me not because she was madly in love, but to build love in my heart for her so I¡¯d feel crazy if I ever questioned it. Then, using it against me to create a way to make it a rational decision to leave me and to end us. The hardest part was learning she felt she did the right thing to stay away from me. That not seeing or talking to me anymore was her best choice¡ªa decision a love for me could never make. Love always somehow found a way to make it work, but she never cared enough to even meet me in the middle even after penning her a thirty-page apology letter. And her response to my mega apology letter? Five sentences handwritten on pretty stationary.

    The time arrived for me to look at her love at face value. The record though, needed to be set straight. Armed with my belief in love and the truth, my side of the story needed to be told and known. It was time to take my belief in love to its limit, believing I had more power than Anya and Jackson wanted to admit. To have all these feelings for four years and have them mean nothing, like the heart pendant she gave me, wouldn¡¯t allow me to just disappear into my best life. The people that knew about our relationship needed to know one last thing--our love was never about breaking up a family. I never would¡¯ve fallen in love if I knew that was the outcome. Even at her most vulnerable moments when she wanted to run away, I never took advantage of those times, like most men with my feelings would have. It was my right to clear up every possible misconception anyone had about me¡ªrefusing to stand down to a false moral values society¡ªtheir only moral basis being money. Money made the worst decisions rational. The world that surrounded Anya was fake, but I wasn¡¯t. Jackson bought his image and everyone else bought in except me¡ªtoo real to ever buy in. The reason I was in any of their lives was because I was manipulated to be¡ªnever expecting to be pit against the happiness of her children and only expecting to be pit up against her unholy marriage.

    Anya was only in love with the idea of being in love¡ªthe hardest thing for me to accept. Money was Anya¡¯s master, not even the love of a million lifetimes could change that¡ªnever having any intentions of going on a budget. The worst of Anya¡¯s love for me is she was ultimately not the decision maker¡ªher kids, her family and even Jackson were. Her kids would hate her if she left. Her family wouldn¡¯t accept her leaving Jackson because they believed she married well. Most of all, the real monster would never have allowed it. Yet knowing this from day one, make no mistake she did, she still allowed me to fall deeply in love with her claiming she wasn¡¯t able to help it. Now, there were things I couldn¡¯t help¡ªlet¡¯s see how understanding she would be. Our love was only a dream to her, never close to reality if her husband would allow her to even the score. I was led to believe my love for Anya was never about breaking up a family, but about breaking up an already broken marriage. If that was never true, then she betrayed me like a seven-mile-wide asteroid betrayed the dinosaurs. and I could only face the resentment I had for her now. Even after she crushed my soul with her letter, I still feared hurting her by believing all this.

    I had no idea she was anything like Jackson¡ªa sociopath, the model narcissist. Always sticking up for her¡ªdefending and standing up for her whenever her love came in question by others. To accept the person who did all those things for me, who I shared all those moments with, and who became my best friend, really wasn¡¯t ¡°in love¡± with me was forever damaging. But it was more than a possibility that Anya was just in love with the ¡°feeling¡± and not with the person who made her feel that way. She had to know better, after dating Lance and having a stalker in her life, to go around loving people with her heart and soul without any intent to be with the person. Anyone who truly loved someone would have to be as upset as I was about this. Now, at forty years of age, this could not be looked upon as a learning experience but rather the end of all I ever believed in. Knowing my best friend and soulmate now promoted me to everyone in her circle as the wrecking ball to her family broke me in places I never knew could be broken.

    There was too much wrong in all of this¡ªtoo many heavy emotions that bordered resentment¡ªall things I always feared feeling. My silence only adding to their suspicion of my guilt and their ire. No doubt they all thought I was crazy with no defense from the one who claimed to love me forever. If her ultimate goal the night we met was to continue protecting the prick she married while also having to understandably protect her kids, after all she told me about him allowing me to trust her, there could be no greater betrayal. To think about the nights spent home alone missing her while she partied, surrounded by love while claiming to miss me, drove my mind to the darkest places it ever visited. There was no choice¡ªafter learning about the marathon, she needed to be contacted again. Especially after sending me a heart pendant meaning nothing while knowing how much I read into things. I never deserved her disrespect, only an apology. And for the first time in nearly two years, it was time to text her.

    ME: ¡°I got your letter. I¡¯m sorry to hear about your accident. I will respect your wishes however if you truly want the best for me in life, I would like an apology from you for sending me the heart pendant and I promise you will never hear from me again.¡±

    To say there was no intention to fire the text off to her on a Sunday night¡ªthe night of her fraudulent family dinner, would be the greatest of lies¡ªshowing her as much respect for her dinners as she had for my heart by sending me the ¡°meaningless¡± heart pendant. Her intention to be disrespectful mirrored my disrespectful intent to get an apology I deserved¡ªif the heart pendant was sent as a memento¡ªonly something to remember her by as if I¡¯d ever forget. She was a better person than this, so my text gave her the opportunity to prove it¡ªif she truly wanted the best in life for me¡ªif she truly believed she would now suffer forever. Anya fooled me for three plus years, her nasty letter waking me up to the truth¡ªrefusing to be her fool any longer. She always knew the relationship was inequitable yet leaving me to believe she would change the terms of our love one day, but when she ran, she proved everyone right¡ªshe just couldn¡¯t have truly loved me. And if she ever did, it was only when I never questioned her honesty in the most dishonest of situations. Anya¡¯s letter and heart pendant provided all the evidence in the world she had zero respect for me¡ªnone. Instead of bringing balance to her love, she blamed me for its inequity after it morphed into a question, even pulling away after allowing me to feel its depth every single day for two years. The time arrived to tip the scales of justice out of her favor. Her love made me feel like a burden and a disease, and never the cure after allowing me to believe in so much. The time had come for truth in its purest form.

    Anya never had to be with me if it¡¯s not what she wanted, but she led me to believe she did. Two years was not a brief period of time in any relationship like ours¡ªit was substantial in every sense of the word. The problem was she was framing me as the problem, while she posted pics online of her with the man, she told me horrible things about, that changed my life forever. She had the actual audacity to believe a man who loved her as deeply as I did¡ªallowing me to feel all I did without restraint, would be just fine with her staying with a pig? Jackson was the greatest of creeps, the douchebag of the century. He destroyed another man¡¯s marriage without a care and cheated on Anya when she was pregnant with their second child. And I didn¡¯t care what anyone said, her son was born prematurely because of the stress it caused her. Anya wrecked her body forever loving that piece of shit and he had the gall to cheat on her during a time she needed him the most. The most disgusting thing was I got the same nastiness he did because I held Anya accountable for everything she told me that allowed me to feel all I did. Sure, she tried to break it off, but she had already shot me with her love, then expected me to easily stop the blood pouring out of me. To say I wasn¡¯t livid about her heartless letter was an understatement, something only a Vicodin could ease. Her ashes promise now seemed to be said out of guilt and not out of love, and I didn¡¯t want it. If she wasn¡¯t brave enough to tell her kids who her heart was with, then confusing them was wrong. And if she wasn¡¯t brave enough to give me more than her ashes, I could never be moved enough by the gesture to see the love in it. It didn¡¯t matter if she couldn¡¯t promise to be together¡ªshe told me three little words often, ¡°I love you¡± and even added a ¡°forever¡± in there. I just never knew it came with the caveat ¡°as long as it¡¯s a secret¡±. Well, as long as it¡¯s a secret, it¡¯s not love to me¡ªmy own caveat to her. If she couldn¡¯t promise me a thing, she had no right to fight me whenever I questioned her love.

    Two days later, at 9:18 on a Tuesday morning, Anya texted me for the first time in almost two years. Two times to be exact, in response to my request for an apology.

    ANYA: ¡°I am asking for a domestic violence restraining order against you today 10/7/2011, because you won¡¯t stop harassing me. I will submit my app to the family court.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°At 341 The City Drive in Orange, CA at 1:30 p.m. You and your attorney can appear at the family clerk¡¯s office room #C-706 on the 7<sup>th</sup> Floor for more information.¡±

    Her message shook me to my core¡ªher chosen response to promising she would never hear from me again. When did wanting an apology become worthy of a protective order? If this is harassment, then she harassed me for two years. To accuse me of harassment, after sending me a heart pendant while seeking closure after two years of losing things because of her misrepresentations destroyed the shred of emotional intelligence I had¡ªif any at this point. This was my reward for caring about someone¡¯s happiness over my own, losing a career job and struggling to survive every day, falling slave to a pill just to get through them. Anya and her pig husband dropped the gauntlet, and it was time to pick it up¡ªrefusing to be treated like a person who never existed in her life after all I gave and shared with her. I didn¡¯t know how this would play out, but I was confident in one thing¡ªthe truth was on my side. There were no fake stories coming from me¡ªthey were all based in honesty, what was right and what was just¡ªwrong stood no chance in this battle.

    ME: ¡°Please be my guest. Wow. You just really love to dodge all responsibility for anything. The truth will be told and learned.¡±

    Believing her kids would be there during the restraining order process, I sent the next text to scare her from doing so knowing the consequences. Sure, I was mad at her, but never wanted her kids to know about this. If she went through with getting the restraining order, they¡¯d likely find out, so I sent her a text to discourage her.

    ME: ¡°You will learn along with your family and your children will learn in this life, you respect the feelings of others. I am looking forward to defending myself.¡±

    ME: ¡°This is not about protecting a family but rather an act of protecting the reputation of someone you led me to believe hurt you beyond repair and an act to destroy my reputation. You will only learn that all the money in the world makes you and your family no better than other people. I guess an apology I deserved was just too much to ask for.¡±

    ME: ¡°Would you have been in an accident if you listened to me and chose happiness instead of choosing an anger you refuse to resolve? Nope. These people will only learn how special of a man you had who would put your own needs above his own.¡±

    ME: ¡°Harassment is defined by legitimate purpose, and I have the absolute right to an emotional response and to feel the way I do after sending me the heart pendant. You could¡¯ve shown some class, dignity and respect but instead you decide to treat me like a criminal, but we will all soon learn who was truly wronged.¡±

    ME: ¡°The kids would¡¯ve only gotten 100% of the best mom. Now they''ll only get what¡¯s left of her. I care about your wellbeing. That¡¯s why I fought and if I couldn¡¯t fight for that, then I was lied to about everything and someone¡¯s going to pay for that. It won¡¯t be me anymore. I promise. I¡¯ve paid for it for nearly 4 years already.¡±

    ME: ¡°I guess it stopped being a question of being with you a long time ago. If you can¡¯t appreciate someone who cared about you as much as I did, then it¡¯s your loss. However, the one thing you and the shithead you married will never do is question my character. I only asked for a detailed apology, a simple request, and let me tell you this, after all I¡¯ve gone through because of the things you allowed and encouraged me to feel, I¡¯m entitled to that much at the very least.¡±

    ANYA: ¡°Stop contacting and harassing me and threatening me.¡±

    My response was never meant to be a threat, but a natural one after she threatened me with a restraining order. Why would she chance having our relationship breach the awareness of her children? Something only three adults should have knowledge of? Anya¡¯s response, just like her letter, only added fuel to a scorching star, further provoking me to respond to her. But she could stoke the same fire whenever she used the word ¡°please¡± insincerely as well. Anya¡¯s life wasn¡¯t in danger and neither was Shithead¡¯s, but their secret sure in the fuck was. She knew what she had to do to get rid of me for good¡ªoffer the apology my life deserved from her. I¡¯d kill myself before killing anyone if the urge ever existed. My only threat to her was the truth¡ªonly because of the need to arm myself with it. Threatening me with a restraining order, let alone attempting to obtain one made no sense whatsoever if all she had to do was sincerely apologize¡ªwhy put her kids at risk of learning about us? Did she want them to find out? Or was Jackson hoping to have them learn more? The end game didn¡¯t make sense unless Jackson drove her to do this¡ªshe had more to lose. Or maybe my mailings had made her vulnerable in front of the kids leaving her no choice? If the shoe were on the other foot, I¡¯d offer the apology for sending the heart pendant knowing it meant nothing, and then if contacted again, the restraining order would be in play. She harassed me by sending the meaningless heart pendant. What Anya failed to see was her role in the responses she received as the instigator¡ªI had a right to an emotional response¡ªone I¡¯d never dream of ever denying her nor bring a third party in to interfere with unless my physical safety was compromised. There was no doubt I was emotionally distraught but was never driven to reach out to Katie and Andrew to resolve it like other jilted lovers have done in my situation. No matter what Anya did, my ire rested with her and Jackson¡ªnot ever with her kids. I¡¯d want my mother and father to stay together too even if they gave me nothing but the essentials and kept me in the dark about their problems.

    Going on the rest of my life believing in a love that now inspired a restraining order to be filed against me was impossible. If she planned to go through with this, then with the exception of her children, my side of the story needed to be told to all those who were told something different--the truth on my side. Anya appeared to ignore the role she played in all the feelings I still carried that have taken away any dream of having a family of my own one day. Losing a career job on top of it and struggling to make ends meet after years of hard work made it even worse¡ªespecially if she needed the permission of a ten year old, a twelve year old, her philandering husband, family members, friends and co-workers in order to be together.

    Pulling away from my disgust, I offered a peace flag hoping she¡¯d choose the right path for the sake of her children¡ªand not giving into Jackson¡¯s seemingly bad advice. The truth in its entirety residing in me.

    ME: ¡°Give me a sincere detailed apology, and I will leave you alone. You will never hear from me again.¡±

    I waited ten minutes for an apology filled response¡ªa reasonable request. She had zero right to allow or encourage me to feel a single thing for her if she planned to use the kids against me and was never ambivalent to her marriage. If she ever backed staying with a man who cheated on her several times over a man who would never dream of doing so¡ªeven staying faithful to her for nearly four years now. She owed me an apology for telling me mothers sacrificed anything for their kids after allowing me to fall deeply in love with her. She owed me an apology for fighting with me when she never saw the good and only the bad in us being together¡ªfor listening to others and requiring their permission after taking my heart. She owed me an apology allowing the creep she married to never allow her to be with me¡ªthat I was the free pass he gave her to even the score. Everything she ever allowed me to feel, she owed me an apology for. A simple ¡°I¡¯m sorry¡± would never suffice, but the acknowledgments of the crimes she committed against my trusting nature, would be enough for me to move on to whatever my next move would be--the apology not as important as an acknowledgement for what she allowed and encouraged me to feel was wrong. When enough time passed leaving me to ascertain she believed an apology wasn¡¯t deserved, my raw emotions shot out of my head like a canon¡ªeven remembering the time she thought her creepy husband might show up at my door and advising me not to answer.

    ME: ¡°You couldn¡¯t tell that trinket was a heart and Landyn may overanalyze it like he always does? Give me a break. I¡¯ve never threatened you with bodily harm and never would. I¡¯ve never showed up at your doorstep or stalked you. You have no basis for filing a restraining order.¡±

    ME: ¡°And let Shithead know, if he ever comes to see me I¡¯m going to rearrange his looks for good. That¡¯s not a threat--it''s a warning. If he ever makes the mistake to come and see me. I would take that as an act of violence and will defend myself accordingly.¡± If you encounter this narrative on Amazon, note that it''s taken without the author''s consent. Report it.

    ME: ¡°That fucker invaded my privacy for over a year and a half. I will definitely counter with an invasion of privacy or cyber stalking charge. Get a divorce if you don¡¯t trust your wife like any normal person would. Stay out of my private info.¡±

    ME: ¡°Respect my wishes and I will respect yours. Show me the dignity and class I always thought you had and you will receive the same in return. If you can¡¯t do that, if you deny me the closure I deserve, then Iyou leave me no choice but to get closure in court in front of him as well.¡±

    ME: ¡°Money and things don¡¯t lead to happiness. I¡¯m not going to let you get away with this. I¡¯m a great guy not some loser you married who cheats on pregnant women and ruins marriages without the thought of how that may hurt his wife and kids. He deserves this.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯ll protect you as much as I can.¡±

    ME: ¡°Your only fault was not falling in love with me--it was encouraging me to fall in love with you. Now that¡¯s a good starting point for your detailed apology. Bring back the girl I know you are for one last time¡ªI know she¡¯s in there somewhere.¡±

    ME: ¡°So please apologize for what you put me through in detail so I know not to hate you for what you did and I¡¯ll be out of your life forever. It will be all over.¡±

    ME: ¡°Or maybe you don¡¯t want it to be over bad enough to do that? Please don¡¯t deny me closure. I deserve that much at least.¡±

    ME: ¡°The Anya I knew would''ve done the right thing when it relates to us. At least we could live separately but on good terms.¡±

    ME: ¡°Your ¡°accident¡± only angers me because if you had stayed true to your heart and feelings, if you just knew something to shut me the hell up, it would¡¯ve never happened. And at least I could¡¯ve helped you with the depression part of it.¡±

    ME: ¡°I know how much working out means to you. I know it¡¯s been hell for you. It breaks my heart like you can¡¯t believe because you inspired me to live a healthy lifestyle¡ªit¡¯s horrible. I haven¡¯t slept thinking about it.¡±

    ME: ¡°Well, I guess if I ever win the Noble Peace Prize there will be a great debate over who¡¯s was more unearned¡ªmine or Obama¡¯s.¡±

    ME: ¡°Sorry for coming off as an asshole. Please, please apologize and let¡¯s move on with our lives in a positive way.¡±

    After an hour cool down, I couldn¡¯t help but feel bad for calling her husband a ¡°Shithead¡± and that ¡°I¡¯d rearrange his looks for good¡±¡ªhe was the hero of his children. Beating anyone up was not me¡ªsaid only to discourage him and in self-defense, but her remorseless responses just brought out the absolute worst in me. It just seemed he drove her to this option¡ªnot something she would ever consider. I¡¯m certain they¡¯d do anything to protect the kids, but Anya knew me¡ªthey were never in danger. If she did do this on her own then she knew sending the heart pendant was intentionally meant to hurt me. Without an acknowledgement through an apology of some kind, it would leave me feeling the same trauma a rape victim did¡ªshe never had my consent to our relationship if she put the decision to be with me in the hands of others who would never allow her to. For her to allow someone to feel so deeply, not only spoke of the mental damage she obtained over her marriage, but should also carry some kind of criminal charge--this wrecked my life. Her love left me never trusting in love ever again¡ªcosting me Sunday night family dinners of my own one day. Only a self- serving demon would do something this heinous. She never had my consent to care for her to only pit me against the happiness of her kids. She never had my consent leading me into an impossible situation that she knew would only hurt me. I needed to know she knew she was wrong and that the heart pendant was not a chess piece.

    After downing three Vicodin horse pills at one time then washing them down with a tall glass of water, my descent into madness continued two hours after my first set of texts¡ªstill trying to hold onto the impossibility of a dream.

    ME: ¡°Some apology ideas: I¡¯m sorry for encouraging you to fall in love with me when I think. I¡¯m better than the general public and it¡¯s the reason why I¡¯ve stayed.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry for telling you ¡°I love you forever¡± without also telling you ¡°As long as it¡¯s a secret¡±.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry for telling you I don¡¯t want to lose 50% of my kids and I would need their permission before encouraging you to fall in love with me.¡±

    ME: ¡°I¡¯m sorry for encouraging you to fall in love with me knowing my husband wouldn¡¯t allow it and I¡¯d accept his free pass never risking a thing other than remaining one up on him.¡±

    ME: ¡°You did not betray your kids. We did not betray your kids. HE betrayed YOUR kids the day HE cheated on and the years HE disrespected YOU, chipping your heart away for him. That¡¯s the truth. Don¡¯t ever doubt that.¡±

    ME: ¡°The one thing a husband should never do in this world is disrespect his wife. He¡¯s to blame and he won¡¯t get away with it and use me, or you, as his scapegoat. Not going to happen.¡±

    ME: ¡°Yes, I believe strongly in love. If it makes me look like a fool with a broken heart, then so be it. This world needs to change its ways. We can start right here with this.¡±

    ME: ¡°I stand up for what I believe in. I will die for what I believe in. I know what¡¯s right and wrong. Everyone will know I was in this for all the right reasons.¡±

    ME: ¡°There¡¯s a difference between loving someone and being in love. You led me to believe you were in love with me. Love knows. Love promises. I deserved you to know if it was love and not for you to fight with me whenever I felt it didn¡¯t feel like it. The truth is going to make everything right in my world.¡±

    ME: ¡°I need to focus on more important things in my life and let this go. That¡¯s what I was trying to do but you sent me a heart pendant. I have the right to a sincere apology acknowledging I was right about the way I felt based on that alone.¡±

    ME: ¡°If he¡¯s going to hurt you by forcing you to drag this into court with me, I¡¯m going to make sure he¡¯s the one who looks bad. I know he¡¯s not a good man and money can only hide so much. He won¡¯t be able to hide behind it much longer.¡±

    ME: ¡°For the last 2 years I really didn¡¯t know how to feel. Your last letter helped take the clouds away. I think what you told me should¡¯ve come 3 months earlier if you didn¡¯t want any more letters.¡±

    ME: ¡°Enjoy the rest of your day. If your husband lays a hand on you, let him know he will deal with me. Be careful.¡±

    In my texts, I fought for nothing less than an act of contrition from her acknowledging the deception¡ªto truly let go of what I now had no choice to. Her silence here, and over nearly the last two years, roared louder than a supernova¡ªthe woman I knew and loved was no longer the same woman. I didn¡¯t know who the real Anya was anymore, but maybe I never did? I tried hard to believe her husband was behind this, but it wasn¡¯t until receiving the completed domestic violence form, in her handwriting, that she was involved in a coup to overthrow me from her life forever.

    <u>DV-100 Item 23 ¨C Description of Abuse</u>

    Landyn Lastman has been stalking me for years. He looks up any and every information about me. He is obsessed with me. He writes about my anniversary date with my husband. He has asked about my car accident that happened and I have not told him. He knows about my bodily injury from the car accident. I don¡¯t know how he knows unless he can look up police reports. He knows about my ¡°family¡± dinners I have every Sunday. He writes about me. He says he will be writing a book about me. He is working on publishing a book about me. He has also contacted my friends. I¡¯m very sure that if his computer was investigated thoroughly it will have more information about me and my life than I will ever know. He is obsessed with me.

    Her handwritten words sealed my fate leaving me no choice¡ªI had to purge her from my heart, standing to lose much more continuing to hold on to someone who turned into the same beast her husband was. Here, her ability to deceive was on full display¡ªshe knew exactly how I learned about her car accident. Anya¡¯s perjurious words left me reaching for three more Vicodin pills to deal with it all¡ªespecially upon seeing her signature on the form. Even going as far to tell the court about a book about her, and not about us¡ªthe same book she used to feed me titles to. The worst thing about her description of abuse wasn¡¯t even the filing of the restraining order, but the undeniable truth she conspired with Jackson against me¡ªthat all those nights wasting away in isolation, my fleeting life meant nothing to her. That Jackson and Anya could enter people¡¯s lives at their own volition, leaving them in their wake while theirs remained intact and unblemished was beyond maddening.

    Her cold words were not only meant to break my heart, but to put me in my grave. Little did she realize however, she murdered me two years earlier leaving me no different than a ghost in limbo. While attempting to empathize with her cause even after refusing to accept any responsibility for the depth of all I felt¡ªshe shot me from point blank range then mocked me. If I remained noble in her eyes, there would be no reward, only ending up like the Great Gatsby¡ªburied and forgotten forever without a single rose from the woman who claimed to love him. There was no way that would be me. I valued every single woman I ever encountered¡ªalways respecting and defending them, but this was something intolerable. Anya had a right to treat Jackson this way after all her ever put through¡ªbut not me. While she had neighbor parties and Sunday night family dinners, her love took those things away from me¡ªand there was no getting back to the person I was before meeting her. Even when she didn¡¯t know, I still believed she knew love. Unfortunately, we both needed to learn a few more things before we were through. If Anya refused to give me closure, I would seek it myself. If she didn¡¯t care about my life, she would receive the same respect in return. There was no way I¡¯d live the same lie she did.

    After a lot of contemplation, and really against all I ever wanted to do, the compassion for her situation escaped me. The more I looked back on the bad times, the more they made sense and the time came to crush all hope¡ªshe needed to be eradicated from this heart of mine, like the disease her love was. She assumed for myself, a relationship on her terms alone, was worthy of encouraging and allowing me to be a part of while knowing she lacked both the courage and even the power to leave¡ªa situation she knew would wreck any man who fell for her, like it did Lance. Without knowing, she punished me for the crimes her jackass husband committed forgetting the time I left her at the bar because she was married. She once told me ¡°I was afraid this was going to happen¡±¡ªno words she ever uttered were more indicative of her motive¡ªif she had any real intention to be with me, she would¡¯ve feared nothing. Before falling for her she led me to believe she was only there because no one would be there for her if she were to leave¡ªit wasn¡¯t until six months later she told me she would sacrifice anything for her children. And that¡¯s a wonderful thing to tell someone but not after she allowed and encouraged someone to fall deeply in love with her. When she told me ¡°I couldn¡¯t help it¡± she also told me ¡°I couldn¡¯t help disrespect your heart¡±. The worst thing about it was she loved me so well¡ªI could only see the love in it, but now her true colors have shown. Even after she told me ¡°she was hoping to clear her head¡± when she returned home from a three-day "business trip" to the canary island of Tenerife with her husband, I still believed she loved me...while she didn¡¯t even believe it herself--even admitting as much. Now each time she called what she felt ¡°true love¡± only left me wondering if it was indirectly meant to be a dig¡ªthat it shocked her to fall in love with a man like me. She even hid who her husband was from me¡ªher greatest act of deception yet¡ªto use him to attack me if ever pushed to prove her love--likely the reason she still slept with him.

    A few days later, a notice came in the mail--the temporary restraining order was denied pending a hearing. It seemed suspicious, based on the description of abuse, there would even be a hearing. If they denied it based on a lack of evidence then where was the threat to her safety? I could understand if I had been arrested on suspicion of stalking or a threat of physical violence but there was nothing here but an ex-lovers quarrel. Did the court consider she may have provoked my reaction? It just seemed strange to have an argument so weak like ¡°he¡¯s writing a book about me¡±, a hearing would even be considered. I¡¯ve heard of people outside the homes of celebrities who never received restraining order hearings¡ªthis didn¡¯t feel right at all. The denial of the restraining order by the court until a hearing gave me three days to consider a response¡ªJackson had to be behind this as much as Anya.

    To say I wasn¡¯t upset with Anya about threatening me with a restraining order would be the greatest understatement ever uttered. After all this woman allowed and encouraged me to feel without telling me she ultimately put the decision to be with me in the hands of others drove me beyond the gates of hell. Her misrepresentations leaving me to rot left me bent on setting the record straight. People could call it revenge, vengeance, getting even but this was beyond that. This was about intentionally destroying a man¡¯s life with lies that brought him to fight so much for a love that apparently never truly existed but in the mind of a narcissist. I wanted to put the blame solely on Jackson¡ªto believe HE was the one behind this, but there was no denying Anya was the one who willingly pulled the trigger to protect the family name she never told me meant the world to her.

    Grabbing an envelope, I placed the heart pendant, and a brief note to Jackson inside, telling him to return this to his wife for me. Before mailing it though, I presented Anya with one last chance to right this wrong by apologizing. When she continued to dodge any responsibility for sending me the heart pendant, and the mess she left my life in with her dishonesty, she left me no other option but to purge her love from my heart. It¡¯s the last thing I ever wanted to do, never even a subconscious thought until now, but it was time to return all she ever used to manipulate my emotions with. If the heart pendant was meaningless, then everything she ever gave me had to be as well. There was no denying what this final act would mean¡ªlosing all I ever believed in forever.

    I then wrote her an email, titling it ¡°My Final Communication¡± in the subject line. There would be no more letters from me.

    <u>MY FINAL COMMUNICATION</u>

    From: [email protected]</a>

    To: [email protected]</a>

    Kiddo,

    Just to check with you for clarity doesn¡¯t there have to actually be a threat of violence for there to be a case made for a domestic violence restraining order? I don¡¯t think they are just handing those out anymore. The ridiculousness of it only goes to show you how much of a control freak you really are. Those damn Capricorns.

    For the last 2 years I¡¯ve waited for a moment of clarity when the smoke cleared from our hostile ending so I could better understand why things ended the way they did. After a year of blaming myself for pretty much everything, I took the very painful step of realizing you weren¡¯t really in love with me at all¡ªyou were just in love with the idea of being in love again, so in an effort to learn this hard truth, I wrote you a letter requesting my necklace back based on certain conditions if your love were true. I finally find the strength to move on and let you go, things you wanted, and you send me a heart pendant of all things¡ªa heart clearly attached to a bag I never gave you. So instead of being angry about it, I decided to be a gentleman and ask you a few months down the road, when my feelings were in check, to meet me so we could talk about it, if you wanted to. I thought that would be fair if you wanted to say something to me in case you didn¡¯t want to memorialize it in a letter that may get back to your husband. It was very clear in that letter I sent you in late March that I wanted to know the meaning behind the heart pendant, if there was one. I then get a letter back from you that cruelly declined. I will never understand why you wouldn¡¯t just tell me about the heart pendant in that letter to me so the other letter I sent, including this email, could¡¯ve totally been avoided, but I guess kindness and consideration is no longer in your nature.

    I tried to let this go. The universe knows I have but our ending just never sat well with me. What you did that day was as chicken shit as chicken shit gets. My family. Landyn is trying to hurt my family. Landyn is trying to hurt my kids. Right. That¡¯s exactly what I was trying to do. Hurt kids and destroy your family. That¡¯s the very reason why I agreed to start seeing you. It¡¯s also the biggest lie anyone could ever tell and that story is something that doesn¡¯t fly well with me. When I first met you, I told you clearly ¡°I didn¡¯t want to get hurt¡± and ¡°money scares me¡±. Not that we wouldn¡¯t be okay financially but because money appeared to be your be all, end all¡ªnow I¡¯ve learned it always was. Money makes everything right side up and perfect for Anya and her family. Let¡¯s face it, I knew the first night I met you, that you were all about money. Who would still sleep with a man who has cheated on them multiple times? The truth is Shithead could fuck an orangutan, bring you back the Ebola virus and you¡¯d still stay. And why Anya? So a three year old who doesn¡¯t even know what a horse is, could have one? Let¡¯s be honest. You¡¯re all about money, not about love. Love was always optional and viewed as a luxury, never a necessity because it¡¯s irrational and unrealistic to you. To you, and everyone else you have made friends with because of money.

    The problem I have with you is simply this¡ªyou lied to me about who you were. You lied to me about how you truly felt about his infidelities. You lied to me about who would decide if we¡¯re together¡ªsomething you certainly were never in control of. And the biggest crime of all? You put a spin on the words ¡°I love you¡±. It¡¯s comical how you can hold me to my ¡°big boy¡± comment but I could never hold you to anything you said like ¡°Kids are resilient¡± and ¡°Nothing is impossible¡± or even ¡°I love you¡±. That all because you¡¯re a woman, you have the right to change your mind without consequence and as the man I should have to accept that or lose my nobility. I was only ¡°Your Landyn¡± as long as I gave you the best of both worlds, and let me tell you something, that is not love. That is not being in love. It¡¯s a cop-out and I had EVERY right in the world to question it. You had no right to fight me on it, and yes, I am a ¡°victim¡± of your love. I still am¡ªa love born of narcissism, but disguised as empathy. Love would never allow me to feel the way I do, let alone feeling the need to write and send you this email. Love would never put me in the position to feel as if I was asking you to break up a family or to hurt your kids especially based on what you told me about him and your unhappiness with the marriage. Love would want me to know Andrew and Katie one day, and not feel like a creep whenever I see them, which fortunately has been only once. Most importantly, above all, love doesn¡¯t transfer one¡¯s unhappiness to another the way you transferred yours to me. Don¡¯t you dare say I wasn¡¯t patient¡ªa year was more than enough time for you to know and based off of your ¡°I need you to sweep me off my feet¡± requirement, it shouldn¡¯t have taken that long if you were in love with me. You put me on a ¡°10 year to never¡± plan after encouraging and allowing me to fall deeply in love with you. That alone should warrant an apology from you along with putting my fate, my entire life and an adult decision in the hands of a 10 and 12 year old at the time. How could you ever blame me for questioning your true intentions?

    So, I¡¯ll tell you what, go ahead and call the National Guard or have a SEALS team come invade my residence. Hell, why don¡¯t you send this to ¡®Our lawyer¡± if that will make you feel better as well because at this point, quite frankly, I don¡¯t give a shit. And I could care less if you think I¡¯m noble or not anymore¡ªyour definition of nobility is skewed and you do not deserve an ounce of nobility from me for the manner in which you¡¯ve made a mockery of my heart and all I believed in. You¡¯re not the Queen of England, kiddo, and you have no right to judge me whatsoever based on what you married. Furthermore, I don¡¯t give a fuck what kind of man you think I am¡ªyou no longer validate that for me anymore. But in case you didn¡¯t know, I¡¯m the kind of man who doesn¡¯t let control freaks, who think they are above others, take advantage of them. If you try to hurt me in any way, you will deal with me, and if you don¡¯t like it, tough shit. I¡¯m not a violent man by any stretch of your imagination, but I will tell you how I feel¡ªyou can count on that. That¡¯s called integrity. That¡¯s how trust and character is built. But those are things you don¡¯t know anything about because you married a man without any of those traits so they¡¯re scary to you.

    All you had to do was show me a little class after my letter. Write me something as simple as ¡°You know what, Landyn. I think you¡¯re right. I¡¯m sorry for putting you through that. It wasn¡¯t fair or right¡± and then the Landyn you¡¯re getting right now wouldn¡¯t exist, but if you want to be disrespectful, then it will be met with disrespect. If you can¡¯t be honorable after sending me a meaningless heart pendant to try to manipulate my feelings one last time, then neither can I. You put my heart through the ringer and you owe me a detailed apology for doing so. The one thing you never do in life, and I hope you teach your kids this, is to never encourage someone to fall deeply in love with you knowing the decision to be with him would be in the hands of others. There¡¯s no doubt you knew from day one what you planned to do. It was deliberate and malicious¡ªall to feed your ego. You know it¡¯s true and that¡¯s why you run like a scared cat. You accuse me of harassment but you¡¯ve harassed my heart for 2 years and I¡¯ll be damned if you¡¯re not going to pay for it in some way¡ªchoosing a man who has been screwed over by girls one too many times. This will be the last time a girl makes a mockery of my heart and my belief in love. This is by far the worst because not only did you break my heart but you¡¯re also trying to portray me as wanting to break up a family and hurt your kids¡ªkids you allowed me to grow fond of. It¡¯s beyond fucked up and it¡¯s time you face the music. It¡¯s not even about you staying, Anya. I have no choice but to care less. It¡¯s not even about you not being in love with me. You have that right, and you¡¯ve killed all the beauty I ever saw in you. This is about an assassination attempt on my character, and it¡¯s something I will go to war with you on¡ªno way will people with no character make me out to be the bad guy. You can protect the Caiaphas name all you want, but you know it only stands for using people to keep a family together and not what a family should stand for¡ªthe true honor in the Caiaphas family name you work so hard to protect.

    You want me to respect your wishes? How funny you never respected mine yet you have the audacity to demand this from me. Did you respect me enough to tell me you still slept with your husband before you encouraged me to fall in love with you and after all you told me about how you felt about him? Oh, that¡¯s right, you would¡¯ve never been able to have privacy when having sex with another man in your life if you¡¯ve told me that. Did you respect me enough to tell me ¡°we mothers sacrifice our happiness for our kids¡± before encouraging me to fall in love with you? Did you respect my feelings by leaving your decision in the hands of others after loving me with your ¡°heart and soul¡± or your ¡°everything¡±? Now you want me to respect your wishes, and if I don¡¯t, you will threaten me with an RO? At least you now know why my ¡°threats¡± to tell existed. It¡¯s funny how threats manifest themselves whenever someone feels a lack of respect¡ªnow you get the picture yet I never said you were abusing, threatening or harassing me after allowing and encouraging me to be in love with someone who would abandon me because she let others decide my fate. How could you have ever gotten mad at me for questioning your intentions if the truth about us would lead you to taking this kind of action against me? I had every right to question your ¡°love¡±.

    You betrayed yourself, Anya¡ªyour car accident only proves that. You and Shithead both betray your kids everyday if you truly believe money and things lead to happiness. Katie and Andrew should do well in school, to do well in school, like most kids and not because you have the means to reward them with more than other parents. Money can buy them good grades, but it will never be able to buy them the world¡¯s fairness.

    I stood up for you. I defended you at every turn. I lost friends over you. I put your needs above my own. I lost my job. I was out of work for 10 months struggling to get over you. I had to seek counseling. I was on Zoloft for 8 months. I¡¯ve gone through as much, if not much more, emotional distress as you, therefore maybe I should be the one filing a domestic violence restraining order against you. I find it ironic, the accident that has left you in chronic pain, depressed, heavily medicated, unable to work out, overweight, and unable to leave the house matched the very description of my own life the day you broke my heart. Not to mention, you sent a guy in the past, you were once engaged to, packing for Shithead. You had a ¡°stalker¡± in your life one time before, who I¡¯m sure you must have hurt pretty bad to define him as such. In addition, I¡¯m certain you hurt Lance the same way you hurt me, if he felt strongly enough to describe the ending of his relationship with you as ¡°tragic¡±. Without a doubt, he probably heard the ¡°my kids¡± excuse too. I guess in hindsight, it¡¯s fitting that you¡¯re in chronic pain after all the pain you have brought to others. Funny how people who place a premium on beauty and vanity will now be judged for it. I guess it¡¯s God¡¯s way, if He exists, of evening things out, wouldn¡¯t you say? I guess there¡¯s some justice in this world after all. I think what makes it sweeter for me, were all the times I told you to be true to yourself, and you never listened to me. All the times you accused me of hurting you when I was only trying to help you. All the times I told you that you were important and mattered too. Now, it¡¯s only a matter of time before the wonderful ambitious man you married will cheat on you once again, if it hasn¡¯t happened already. What will make it even sweeter is when the kids find out who Dad really is and how much his wife, and their mother, sacrificed so they could have things that truly won¡¯t bring them happiness in this life. I¡¯m certain if he cheated on a healthy and beautiful pregnant wife, he¡¯d cheat on an unhealthy overweight one someday too. And, it will be even easier for him this time around because now he can take advantage of your physical pain to do so. Not that I wish you any further pain or suffering because I know you only want the best for me in life and that¡¯s why you couldn¡¯t simply give me a detailed apology for the wrong you¡¯ve done.

    I guess women don¡¯t change their minds, do they Anya? That¡¯s okay though because now I know the ones who feel they can without consequence will now know better to respect the feelings of others and to be true to their words. To know that people who feel love, and who want to feel loved, also don¡¯t want to be someone¡¯s dirty secret. I believe people who feel they have the right to change their mind frequently, without any regard or consideration to how that might affect others are called liars, in case you didn¡¯t know. If you truly wished me the very best in life, you would¡¯ve recognized your faults (the way I always have), and apologized for them in detail so I could get much needed closure you denied me for reasons only the Universe knows. Sad to know I really did care about you and thought I knew you better than anyone. The truth is I have no idea who you are or were. The most disappointing thing for me was learning you¡¯re just like every other attractive woman here in southern California who¡¯s obsessed with money and vanity. Now knowing that, you¡¯re a dime a dozen, nothing special and you¡¯re just like every other woman out there, even the ones I¡¯ve met before you. That makes it much easier for me to move on now.

    Since there will apparently be no apology. I will state, for the record, your inconsideration of my feelings will not yield an ounce of violence from me unless in self defense and believe me I¡¯m ready for all the ones who are after my ¡°blood¡±. Your inconsideration however will yield a true revealing of who you and Jackson really are. It¡¯s my gift for all the pain you put me and others through and now no one will be safe from the truth of who you and him really are because you chose this option opening the floodgates. This is unfortunately what happens, when you fuck over good people in life.

    Oh, and have a nice life. I wish you the best.

    Feeling agitated, I downed another Vicodin before copying my words over to the body of an email. There was hesitancy in clicking send, but putting this master plan in motion to eradicate Anya from my heart required me doing so. Still, I wasn''t ready to commit this true act of suicide. With her love leaving me wasting away from the inside out--it felt intentional. I¡¯m not saying she never loved me; she did threaten Jackson with divorce, but she never made me feel like the cure¡ªonly the disease. There was no reason to question my sanity anymore, whatever what was left of a sound mind had now become unsound. She believed she was doing the right thing by meeting me in San Diego but after missing her, she then believed it was wrong. Yet she still believed it was right and just to leave the decision to be with me to her kids, family and Jackson because she didn''t want to hurt anyone. Apparently, she only wanted to hurt me. Her seeking the restraining order against a man she greatly wronged could only be viewed as an act of demonic proportions. Wronging me on this level wasn¡¯t even the worst part¡ªthe fact she was unapologetic about a single thing was.

    Before throwing my finger¡¯s weight to right click, my bedroom beckoned me to take inventory of the life she gave me. The alarm clock that woke me up for the last three years since. Her two perfume bottles, reminders of her scent in the air, still at ease on my dresser. The black bra she left behind making sure she was always on my mind. The numerous CD¡¯s she burned me, stacked up next to the iPod she bought me for Christmas, my way of staying in touch with the love we felt. The cards and shopping bags that always brought a smile to my face left me remembering her thoughtfulness at times I desperately needed it. The four "Twilight" series books leaning on each other in my bookcase, just like us during the times we needed a respite from the torture of being apart. Our beach towels, neatly folded on the seat of a chair providing the evidence ¡°our beach¡± was more than real. All these things that carried so much beauty and warmth now became weapons of mass destruction¡ªmeant to not show love but to control me, to keep me off guard¡ªthe tools used to get what she needed from me, without any regard to what I needed from her.

    Spotting an empty box, one previously used for moving, the plot to my demise began taking shape---printing out a special message on a white sheet of letter sized paper, using a bold thirty-six font to get it across, then taping it to the inside bottom of the box. If the heart pendant was meaningless, then everything she ever gave me had to be also. A gathering of all her weapons took place before tossing all the meaningless nothings into the box--like it was a boiling pot of stew. Even adding for good measure, a book I purchased titled ¡°The Good Divorce¡±, in case the recipients did the honorable thing after their marriage had hurt another person¡¯s life. These were far from honorable people though, so it would probably be viewed as further evidence of harassment¡ªlike sending me a meaningless heart pendant was. After sealing the box with duck, I mean duct tape, I jumped on the internet to determine the date of delivery, inadvertently learning of a day of special significance to Jackson. After shutting down the computer armed with this new information, I loaded the box into my car and headed over to a nearby Hallmark gift shop to have the box gift wrapped for his upcoming birthday.

    Jackson undoubtedly pressured Anya into filing the restraining order against me, falsely claiming that our relationship was an act of not loving her children¡ªthe greatest lie ever told. If Jackson had never disrespected Anya¡¯s heart, this package would never be sent directly to him. This pain would be all on me for deciding to pursue a relationship with a good man¡¯s wife. Jackson was not a good man and his status as a good father was questionable at times due to his lack of participation in his children''s lives. And I was certain Anya had feelings for me¡ªshe couldn¡¯t fake all she felt. But her love was only meant to cause me harm if she''d never be brave enough to listen to and trust the man she loved. The hardest part was knowing Anya had no respect for my heart¡ªthat she saw me no different as any other man she ever met after leading me to believe that wasn¡¯t true. As I took another Vicodin, the good times became unretrievable after her disrespectful letter¡ªone only her husband deserved.

    Once inside the store, with my arms wrapped around a box caring the remains of my heart, a tall thin dark-haired man of middle eastern descent greeted me from behind the counter.

    ¡°Hello there. Can I help you, Sir?¡± he asked, his eyes fixated on the container in my arms.

    ¡°Indeed.¡± I replied, placing the nearly thirty-pound box on the counter. ¡°I¡¯d like to get this giftwrapped, please. How much will it cost?¡±

    ¡°Oh, this box?¡± he inquired, surveilling it.

    ¡°Yes¡­it¡¯s my friend¡¯s birthday tomorrow.¡± I told him, smirking. ¡°I need to get it wrapped and shipped over to him today.¡±

    ¡°It will be about eighty to eighty-five dollars to wrap this for you.¡± He answered, his eyes looking into mine with apprehension¡ªor maybe it was the guilt I began feeling.

    ¡°Really? Eighty-five dollars?¡± I retorted, astonished at the price.

    ¡°Yes.¡± He countered, without a counter offer. ¡°It¡¯ll look really nice.¡±

    The box was both tall, dense and like Anya¡¯s love needed to be disguised so no one knew it came from me but from a family member. Although hardly having enough money to eat on these days, a night without dinner was worth the price.

    ¡°Okay, let¡¯s do it.¡± I confirmed, nodding. ¡°How long will it take?¡±

    ¡°Forty-five minutes. I make good for you.¡±

    ¡°Thank you.¡±

    ¡°Oh¡­wow.¡± he blurted upon lifting the box off the counter. ¡°That¡¯s pretty heavy.¡±

    ¡°There¡¯s quite the gift inside.¡± I remarked, proudly. ¡°A very special gift.¡±

    ¡°Who is it for?¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s for a very special friend¡ªhis name is Jackson.¡±

    ¡°Wowser!¡± He exclaimed, moving the box along the floor as the items moved noisily within it. ¡°What did you get him?¡±

    ¡°Oh, a few different things.¡± I informed him, fighting back my laughter. ¡°To be honest, someone else bought these things for him and threw them in there¡ªI¡¯ll be just as surprised as him when he opens it tomorrow.¡±

    ¡°Well, it looks like Mr. Jackson will be very surprised!¡±

    ¡°Like you wouldn¡¯t believe.¡± I dryly replied, a smile forming on my face.

    With step one of my plan in progress, step two was the greater obstacle¡ªhow do I get this box carrying the remains of my shattered heart delivered? This birthday gift had to come from someone he knew, but who were his family members? Would one of his lessees ever consider getting him a gift for his birthday? Would a particular auditor, who he helped get a discount on a Rolex watch, send him something for his birthday? By disguising the gifter as a member from my old CPA firm, it would take care of three people who wronged me instead of only two. Would one of his fellow politicians do such a thing? How would I know who he associated with? It probably wouldn¡¯t make it to his doorstep¡ªa duplicate gift giving it away. One thing was certain, anyone I chose only cared about the almighty dollar anyway.

    My only reservation was Katie and Andrew bearing witness to this trojan horse of mine. How this box containing the shards of my heart could affect them. We were all in the same boat¡ªinnocent, trusting and unsuspecting parties who had fallen prey to the greatest lie going. My thoughts then shifted to the things money could never buy¡ªthat the greatest lessons they will ever learn in life would never come from a textbook. A part of me believed they needed to see this to maybe save their own marriages one day¡ªto see the danger in living a dishonest life. That even when they remain unseen, choices had consequences. As angry as Anya and Jackson made me, it just wasn¡¯t my call to make, preferring they learn the truth from their parents, not from me. As badly as Anya wronged me, there¡¯s no way to justify being their informant. But they both had to know pursuing a restraining order was not a good idea if they planned to hide this from them. I could be wrong, I¡¯ve never been in such a scenario, but it seemed they¡¯d learn mom was in a relationship with a man who wasn¡¯t their father this way. As badly as I wanted the world to know about our love, hating only being good enough to be her secret, I hoped her kids remained in the dark. They likely thought they were protecting Katie and Andrew with this restraining order, but it was only putting themselves out there to learn things that should remain private until they were older.

    While having fantasies about him opening his gift in front of others, it likely would only be added to a pile then opened after everyone went home--my true preference. Although I¡¯m sure he turned his birthday into an event each year, I wanted to bring an awareness to him¡ªto know the only reason Anya left me was because she was forced¡ªnot because she wanted to leave as evidenced each time she ever tried to. As much as being a secret despised me, this wasn¡¯t about exposing this to the world¡ªonly to his world. It now seemed Anya used these items in the box to get what she wanted and needed from me¡ªgifted to me not solely from love but to manipulate my emotions. Like a rape victim, she never had my consent to pursue a relationship with me while allowing the decision to never escape the influence of Jackson and others. All she required from me was to be there for her if she were to leave and to sweep her off her feet¡ªthat was the deal. Any alterations were an act of betrayal, especially pitting her happiness and mine against the happiness of her kids. I had no doubt she felt something very similar to love but with it being on terms of her own, even having a million soulmates in her lifetime was possible¡ªwhy I¡¯m absolutely convinced there could only be one. The fact she denied me a sincere apology after she changed my life forever with her love was beyond unconscionable to me. The ego involved, likely knowing she¡¯d use her husband and the people she knew to further wreck my life, one she had already wrecked, spoke volumes about who Anya truly was as a person¡ªsomeone I made millions of excuses for. This is where my thoughts have arrived¡ªshe didn¡¯t respect others at all. I¡¯m sure she felt wronged by me, but she needs to go back to December 2007 to understand how she could never feel like the victim. There was only one true victim here and unfortunately, it was me. Anya¡¯s love was a matador, allowing and encouraging me to charge at her before pulling away the sheet to leave me in the position to run over her children, her family.

    Every partner Anya and Jackson ever utilized over the course of their marriage, had always just gone away broken into that goodnight. That just wasn¡¯t me and something I couldn¡¯t do after all she allowed and encouraged me to know and feel. My exposed heart may have been worthy of her amusement and disrespect but would never be played with. She led me to believe her marriage was beyond repair, trusting that with no inhibitions. Anya could have her marriage and Jackson could have it, too¡ªbut it would be under the umbrella of truth and no longer under the cloud of deception. Their marriage never gave them a license to ruin the lives of others who cared for them. There was nothing sacred about it in my eyes, not after walking away then being told I broke her heart. And especially not after being the second guy in her life. There were consequences for hijacking a plane and there were consequences for hijacking my heart.

    While Jackson¡¯s birthday gift was being primed for delivery, I dropped the envelope addressed to Jackson¡¯s work, with the heart pendant inside, into a mail box just outside the store¡ªit seemed more likely to be intercepted at his house. I then went back inside the Hallmark store to pick up the gift wrapped box¡ªthe store clerk did a magnificent job disguising it as a real present. After buying a card to add to its legitimacy and signing it as being from Kevin Kash and the partners at KSR, I dropped it off at the UPS store for one day delivery¡ªhe¡¯d have it on the same day of his birthday.

    After watching them take the package, affix the necessary labels then bringiong it to the back for shipping, there was now no turning back. There was no joy felt, no feeling of satisfaction¡ªjust the feeling of being in control of something again¡ªeven if it was my own destruction. I hated her for loving me while handing her power to leave over to others¡ªshe never had my consent to do that--the last thing needed was more heartache in a life full of it. I walked away for a real reason, not because I didn¡¯t like her, but because I did. I trusted she always held the decision-making power to leave and wasn¡¯t something she¡¯d simply hand off to others. And I could still question her true intentions to ever leave, regardless of if she threatened Jackson with divorce--only using me as leverage because she never saw me as the solution, but rather the disease she needed time to clear her head of. At the time I needed her love the most, it abandoned me because she could no longer hide behind its lie. Even my poor mother, who was battling Cancer, and I were at odds with each other while this broken heart of mine took precedence. Believing in love too much for my own good had left me beyond desperate. The time had come to destroy myself, to purge this parasite Anya¡¯s love had become, from my soul--to reinvent myself like Debbie had done. After returning home, my finger found the temerity to right-click, initiating the send button on "My Final Communication" email. The purest act of atrial suicide ever committed¡ªofficially ending the dream forever, and now awaiting the fallout to come.

 CHAPTER 34 ~ AS SHADOWS FALL

    ¡°I can¡¯t find the rhyme in all my reason;

    Lost sense of time and all seasons.

    Feel I¡¯ve been beaten down

    by the words of men who have no grounds.

    Can¡¯t sleep beneath the trees of wisdom

    when your axe has cut the roots that feed them

    Forked tongues in bitter mouths

    can drive a man to bleed from inside out.

    What if you did?

    What if you lied?

    What if I avenge?

    What if eye for an eye?

    ~ ¡°What If¡± Creed

    <u>DV-100 Item 23 ¨C Description of Abuse</u>

    Since I applied for the original restraining order on 9/12/2011, I have received over 60 text messages and emails and over 50 items in the mail between 9/12/2011 ¨C 9/16/2011. Text messages said Mr. Lastman is going to ¡°rearrange his looks for good¡± which referred to my husband. Mr. Lastman threatened to contact my kids. Landyn Lastman continuously sends offensive text messages ¡°Shithead, his ass, fucker¡± etc. Some of his emails states ¡°Don¡¯t threaten me with no contact¡±, ¡°I don¡¯t need you to be disrespectful otherwise you will receive the same in return¡±. ¡°Shithead could fuck an orangutan and bring you back the Ebola¡±, ¡°Our ending never sat well with me¡±¡±, ¡°Someone will pay¡±, ¡°Call the National Guard and SEALS to come invade me I don¡¯t give a shit¡±, ¡°If you try to hurt me in any way, you will deal with me, and if you don¡¯t like it, tough shit¡±, ¡°No one will be safe, this is what happens when you fuck with good people¡±, ¡°It¡¯s fucked up and it¡¯s time you face the music¡±, ¡°Anya died¡± etc. Mr. Lastman continues to threaten me and my kids and I¡¯m very concerned about his comment to do bodily harm to my husband as mentioned above. I have attached copies of text messages along with copies of pictures. I¡¯ve asked repeatedly to stop contacting me but it seems like the more I ask, the more he escalates in anger and does not stop harassing me and my family. He has also contacted my friends and harassed them by messaging them about my life and how terrible my situation is to him.

    Also since I applied for the restraining order last week, 9/12/2011, I have received an unusually high counts of phone calls and hang ups to my home. I received over 50 items in the mail sent to my house packaged and disguised as coming from his old place of employment with their business information since 9/12/2011, last Monday. I have attached copies of pictures of items sent in the mail along with copious amounts of messages. The items include, but not limited to: CD¡¯s, DVD¡¯s, a bra, and a soiled beach towel sprayed with mens cologne, random shopping bags, vulgar and offensive notes attacking my husband and his character and references made to my children and contacting them. I have also received books on divorce with endless pages of hi-lighted paragraphs and handwritten notes and instructions and directions to me. The vulgar notes include ¡°the time has come to teach your kids what matter most in this life¡±, ¡°This is the consequence¡±, ¡°Happy Birthday Asswipe¡± etc. The books are called ¡°The Good Divorce¡± and ¡°Cheat¡± something. There are over 200 pages highlighted on subjects such as ¡°letting go of guilt¡±, ¡°How to¡±, ¡°Disorderly and Orderly Separation¡±, ¡°What divorce is and is not¡±, ¡°Pathways to a good divorce¡±, ¡°What¡¯s normal in a divorce¡± etc.

    Along with submitted physical evidence of Mr. Lastman¡¯s harassment and stalking, there have been several recent events that are completely out of what is normal in our lives. These events include an increased amount of phone calls and hang ups to my home, a sighting of Mr. Lastman driving by, and a break into one of our cars on Sunday 9/18/2011 which occurred on my driveway. I have filed a break in report with the Long Beach Police Dept. this morning on 9/20/2011 with the DR#112-61586. I also filed a harassment charge report with the same officer with the DR#112-61587 today. This was my 2<sup>nd</sup> harassment report against Mr. Lastman in 2 years.

    I met Mr. Lastman over 4 years ago. He has been harassing and stalking me for over 2 years and I would just like to be left alone. I don¡¯t want Mr. Lastman to continue to threaten, harass, stalk me and my family. He has psychologically abused me for years and I¡¯m in fear for my life and the well-being of my kids and husband and friends. Mr. Lastman is obsessed with me and stalks me. He knows information about me and my family in detail. He makes references to them. ¡°How is your arm from your car accident?¡±, ¡°You never told me about your family night Sunday dinners¡±, ¡°Call your family lawyer¡±.

    I would just please like to request Mr. Lastman to stop harassing me so it doesn¡¯t keep going for 4 more years of calling the police and going to court.

    Thank you for your consideration.

    On the same day this filing full of false accusations was received, and before reading these words from the one who attacked me for questioning her love, a violent knock on my apartment door disturbed the silence. It wasn¡¯t for a couple days after Jackson''s birthday surprise was delivered that the server appeared at my door. During those two days it left me wondering if they mocked my perceived power by not reacting¡ªor if it even made it to their house at all. A stocky, balding gentleman stood at my door with an eagle like stare¡ªlikely being a part of their network. He asked if my name was Landyn Lastman, and I answered with a nod. He then served me the paperwork, but instead of walking away, he stared me down again in disgust, unnerving me enough to ask if he was friends with both Anya and Jackson.

    ¡°No. I don¡¯t know them.¡± He claimed, shaking his head. ¡°I¡¯m just here to hand you the paper work.¡±

    Nodding, my eyes never left him even as he walked away, exiting my apartment complex.

    How did he get in? And how did he know exactly where to go? And why the look of disgust if he didn¡¯t know Anya and Jackson on a personal level? It was hard to blame him¡ªhe only got one side of the story. After closing the door, there was no other option but to open the package to read what they had to say about the gift, in what appeared to be distressed handwriting. If they believed there was any joy and satisfaction in what I did, they couldn¡¯t have been more wrong about anything. Nobody wants to jump off a bridge, but when there¡¯s too much mental anguish it feels like the only option. I didn¡¯t care about the restraining order¡ªit broke my heart to do it. Anya was all I ever lived and breathed for. We communicated with each other throughout the day for two years¡ªher loss was tremendous and overwhelming. I implored her for an apology, at least some kind of acknowledgment for infecting my life, just so I could move on and get over it, so to speak. In all honesty, losing her was something I¡¯d just never get over¡ªbeing in her life was the best two years of mine, but at least, I could leave her alone. In the end, her love ruined me forever, putting me several years away from being able to offer someone any semblance of value. With a damaged heart, mind and soul¡ªhaving and raising a family of my own was a dream forever doomed. It even added an element of jealousy and envy beyond her staying with a well off shadow philanderer¡ªshe had a family to fall back on¡ªI had an unsettling emptiness impossible to describe that needed a pill to quell. There was no simply getting over this. Love just meant more to me than it meant to most people¡ªespecially those who were married. Without being married, apparently in her mind, I was not privy to love being only an ideal but also nothing to believe in, forever.

    After reading her intentionally false statements, there was zero chance I¡¯d ever allow myself to care or love someone again. If I couldn¡¯t love someone the only way I knew how, without their reservations, then it just wasn¡¯t worth loving someone. If a married person who pursued me because she was cheated on and disrespected by her husband couldn¡¯t appreciate what I offered enough to leave, then all hope was gone. If I had to love someone by holding back all the love inside me, then it only confirmed love would never be mine to have. Although only in self defense would I ever harm someone physically, after sending the gift, the restraining order was deserved¡ªI earned it. The understanding she had to seek a restraining order was there on my end. I couldn¡¯t handle giving my heart and soul to someone that looked upon me as an immoral person--a piece of shit only worthy of her love in secret even after asking if I''d fight for her. This restraining order confirmed her love was based on whim and fancy¡ªnothing more. She was only looking for a filler to a life that became too mundane¡ªnever able to see the sacrifices of my own happiness and reputation made, just for her to have a shot at happiness again. Without doing something this drastic, this calculated, I would just continue to love someone who never existed forever.

    The restraining order really didn¡¯t bother me after sending the gift¡ªat this point what else could she do? To read the outright lies she wrote down, the evil intent behind them, as if she hadn¡¯t already destroyed my life with her deception, was tough to swallow. Anya accused me of things that never entered my stream of consciousness of doing. As much as I missed her over the last two years, not once did I drive by her home. For her to file a false police report accusing me of breaking into and ransacking her car was unreal. The police official who took that report must have been a neighbor of hers, or Carolyn¡¯s paramour¡ªit was never questioned. It was one thing to protect your kids, but another thing entirely to try to destroy another¡¯s life with lies.

    While reading her words several times over, it left me wondering how she would feel if some woman deceived Andrew the way she deceived me? How she could make false accusations to a police officer, to intentionally destroy another woman''s son, who she knew was at home fighting Cancer? I understood Anya¡¯s anger with me. I didn¡¯t blame her for going out and getting a restraining order¡ªit was the best thing to do after the gift was delivered, but she knew there was a finality behind my act. The lies were impossible to witness, to watch all the beauty die in her so easily. She had more than enough evidence to get the restraining order, so much so I planned not to fight it, but she took it too far with the lies. All she had to do was one thing to avoid this¡ªsimply apologize for her deception¡ªit¡¯s all she had to do. When she lied, just like Jackson would lie, she morphed into the same demon her husband was. I got the Anya that broke a man¡¯s heart when Jackson came back into her life. I got the Anya who hurt a man so bad, he felt inclined to leave the state to deal with his sadness. I got the Anya who claimed she was a victim of stalking, but I now saw how she operated, leaving me empathizing with her ¡°stalker¡±. Anya gave me all the proof in the world that lying to destroy me was always an option for her. Destroying people with the truth in self-defense was respectable, but trying to destroy someone with lies to cover up lies was an entirely different beast. Anya¡¯s motto was ¡°I¡¯d do anything to protect my kids¡±, but she was protecting them with lies that served herself. Not discounting that there were times she had to lie for their benefit, all parents had to do that from time to time, but to lie on this grand of scale was intolerable.

    After a few days passed, I tried seeing things through her eyes. Her harsh words were deserved, sending the gift made me no angel in this. I accepted my responsibility for the truth of my actions, but to file a false break in report was impossible to understand. The day she dated me was the day she told me ¡°Landyn, my marriage doesn¡¯t matter to me¡±, never referring to it as a marriage but only as a situation¡ªeven claiming there was ¡°no marriage¡±. She always reiterated she wasn¡¯t choosing him or her marriage over me, yet these false statements told me she did just that. Her kids were a major reason she did this too, but at a time she should be honest, she instead chose dishonesty, even to the extent of trying to destroy someone¡¯s life. She was in a two-year relationship with me that she fully initiated. If losing her marriage meant risking everything and that mattered to her, then telling me I broke her heart should never have been said after giving her five entire months to sit on it. She had kids before she met me and if her plan was to sit there and systematically pass judgment on me, then this was her fucking bed to sleep in. If her marriage meant anything to her, then she betrayed my trust by allowing and encouraging me to fall in love with her. Did she have a drug addiction too, or maybe even multiple personalities? Seeing the Anya I grew to know and love completely vanish, broke my heart more than anything ever could. If she ever believed she had to give up her kids for us to be together, she betrayed me the very first night we met.

    Staring at a quarter of a full dulled orange prescription bottle, heavily depressed and already doped up on painkillers, I reached out to Debbie to explain my side of the story.

    Hi Debbie,

    I have a feeling you know why I¡¯m emailing you. If you need to tell Anya about this email, I have no problem with that. She needs all the friends in the world these days. I promise you will never receive another email from me, unless of course you want to talk to me.

    Please tell Anya I know Jackson made her do what she is doing. Also, PLEASE let her know, I have and had zero intention of contacting Katie and Andrew. I would never do such a thing. The kids are innocent in all of this and didn¡¯t ask to be a part of it. I just feel it¡¯s important for them to know someday, not who I am, but what will truly bring them both happiness in this world. That¡¯s her call and always has been. It¡¯s not my place to reach out to them.

    She claims in her restraining order statement that I¡¯ve ¡°contacted her friends and harassed them by messaging them about my life and how terrible my situation is to him¡±. Notwithstanding the fact what she told me about the terribleness of her situation that allowed me to feel so much for her, the true reason for emailing you and Carolyn was it bothered me knowing about his infidelities,, but you guys didn¡¯t, yet she was receiving advice from you both (not that it is bad advice), without all the facts. You girls just didn¡¯t know what I knew. You didn¡¯t know what I was told and my reasons for fighting for her to leave Jackson, so I wanted you to at least have that information about him. I care about Anya. I would never dream of physically hurting her in any way, shape or form. This restraining order is ridiculous. I haven¡¯t been within 10 miles of her home in the last 3 years let alone 100 feet. It¡¯s not about the restraining order being temporary or permanent, I don¡¯t know a thing about how they work, but win or lose, either way it won¡¯t matter because I would never reach out to her kids or harm anyone physically.

    These are the facts, Debbie. As a married person, Anya approached me. She asked for my phone number. She set up a date with me. She initiated our entire relationship even the meetings. Anya was more than just my lover but also my best friend. She loved me with her ¡°heart and soul¡± and her ¡°everything¡± yet when I returned the love she gave to me, she considered it a criminal act and accused me of wanting to hurt her kids and break up a family. I don¡¯t think anyone would have handled that well knowing and feeling all that I did. I pushed Anya to listen to herself through me. This breakup went down in a very bad way and because of that, it never brought me the closure I needed to move on, but also the closure I deserved because my character was questioned. Anya is a beautiful woman and most guys wouldn¡¯t have asked her ¡°If you¡¯re unhappy, why are you still there?¡± She told me ¡°It was because no one would want to be with a divorcee with baggage¡±. I told her she was wrong. I asked her what I needed to do to get her to leave him. She responded, ¡°I need you to sweep me off my feet¡±. For 2 years, I trusted those very words. For a year and a half before our fallout, she told me I had swept her off her feet and that was all I needed to do. Everyday, I would give her very valid reasons to leave him because I trusted everything she told me about her pain and unhappiness. Things I saw and felt from her as well. I knew everything, things you and Carolyn didn¡¯t know, so that¡¯s why I¡¯ve pushed so hard and fought for her, not because I wanted to hurt her kids and break up a family. When she still didn¡¯t know, I felt she couldn¡¯t have been truly in love with me because I did all she asked of me, and because I gave her so many valid reasons to leave. Many more reasons than people who left for much less. If she didn¡¯t love me, then I had the right to know, but she fought me on it whenever I questioned her, so I feel I have the right to care about her ¡°terrible¡± situation more than anyone does. Her accident (I didn¡¯t realize it was a car accident), breaks my heart and also angers me. I wanted to hold her in my arms and take care of her. You have no idea how hard it¡¯s been on me to know she was hurt badly. I know, through my mother¡¯s illness, the most important thing about recovery is being cared for emotionally. My Dad isn¡¯t there for my mother as much as I think he should be, I am. So, I know first hand how important that is for Anya to have, and I know how she doesn¡¯t have that. I didn¡¯t want Anya to go through times like that alone in her life when she should always have someone there for her. I wanted her to have someone who was TRULY there. She shared with me a lot of things, including all the times she ran the kids around in hazardous conditions and it bothered me she never got a hand with that from Jackson. How many times she was alone in scary places at night so her son could do his activities. I FEARED this would happen because I knew how she lived her life every single day. I fought with her because I feared she might get hurt badly one day running them around. She even told me ¡°Not having you in my life is beyond scary¡±, and I understood better why as time passed on and I learned more about how terrible her situation truly was and is. I wanted her kids to have 100% of the best mom, and not what¡¯s left of her. I wanted her to have the help she needed. This wasn¡¯t all about me and my broken heart, trust me. I¡¯m certain if she were with me, there would have been no accident. I¡¯ve written and said some terrible things to her, but I was really hurt she didn¡¯t reach out to me after the accident or even when I asked about it. I was upset about being accused of harassing and stalking her when she allowed and encouraged me to feel as strongly as I did and still do. I noticed her left forearm, near her wrist, didn¡¯t look right in the Facebook profile picture she posted. Although I wasn¡¯t sure if the pic quality was grainy, but the more I zoomed in, the more something didn¡¯t look right to me. I asked her about it, but she ignored me. She then finally told me last week in a letter. When it comes to her health, all this garbage about how I feel is just that¡ªgarbage. After all the man she married has taken from her, and he has taken a lot, I don¡¯t understand why she stands up for him as much as she does. He doesn¡¯t deserve that even for the sake of the kids. If he did, I¡¯d be the first to announce it. If he cheated on a healthy pregnant wife all because of a natural weight gain, there¡¯s little doubt he would also cheat on an unhealthy wife one day too. I¡¯d take her with a wooden leg, at least the Anya I thought I knew.

    In her restraining order statements, she accused me of a few things I didn¡¯t nor would I ever do, but I¡¯m sure Jackson is pushing her to lie or he will threaten to tell the kids and take them from her, so he could keep his tax deductions and filing status, the wonderful man he is. For the record, I never broke into her car. I would never do such a thing. I never called her house and hung up once, let alone the number of times she¡¯s accused me of doing. Trust me, if I ever called the house, the last thing I¡¯d do is hang up. I would even leave a message. I would¡¯ve never bothered writing her a single letter, let alone the thirty page monstrosity I did, if all I had to do was pick up the phone to talk to her. Maybe it was one of Jackson¡¯s girlfriends who called and hung up? Why couldn¡¯t that be a possibility when you take into consideration his past? I know about the true origin of the calling and hanging up as much as they do, if that is even happening at all. I will admit this though¡ªI don¡¯t like Jackson as Anya¡¯s husband. I don¡¯t like the fact I was in his life for a single day if Anya had no intentions to leave no matter what I did for her. However, since I am, I don¡¯t care for the fact he disrespected and dishonored his wife and with my gift, I was returning this pain to its rightful owner. I had to defend myself, Debbie. Neither Anya or I were out to break up a family nor were we out to hurt her kids. Anya did not betray her kids¡ªJackson did the day he led Anya to feel the way she did about him, the day he began to chip her feelings away for him by the conscious decisions and choices he made to cheat on her, and he needs to be held accountable for that. I was in her life for a reason¡ªa good one.

    Always support Anya¡¯s happiness. There¡¯s nothing irrational about being happy in life, especially if you¡¯re angry about it enough to risk everything. The Anya I knew and grew to love is as good as they come and she deserves to be happy in life. I know where her happiness truly comes from.

    Please be vigilant over her. Please do not trust Jackson. His ability to provide for his family can only hide so much. After reading this statement full of lies, he doesn¡¯t care about what people will think about her. He¡¯s leaving her out there to be viciously judged, and even be put in a position to be imprisoned and or be heavily fined for perjury, while he goes unscathed, and I can¡¯t understand for the very life of me anyone can support him doing so. I won¡¯t allow him to get away with doing this to her. People will learn what he is all about when I go to court on the 13<sup>th</sup> of October. I think you and Carolyn both know Jackson isn¡¯t as good to her as he should be, otherwise I could never understand why you girls have been so kind to me.

    Take care of yourself, Debbie. Thanks for reading.

    Landyn

    Reaching out to Debbie was the only way to defend my position. If she cared enough to ask how I was doing, a simple email letting her know could do no harm. As much as she probably thought, this was not an attempt to turn her against a friend. She was Anya¡¯s friend first and foremost and this was not about her having to choose a side. It was just about getting my side of the story out to combat the heinously false narrative about me. My goal was to defend my character, and to even defend Anya¡¯s¡ªstill torn between this being Anya¡¯s decision or Jackson¡¯s. He undoubtedly pushed her into doing this, and was clearly done under duress, but also refusing to be na?ve, understanding to some degree, Anya¡¯s willingness to add these lies to the restraining order. It did force me to face the cold heart reality, that a woman who truly loved me, would never do this under any circumstances. Anya was protecting a lie with lies and passed her judgment upon me. While loving her freely, but in security, no judgment was ever passed upon me. The whole time though, while claiming she loved me, she tipped the scales of justice against me, for not being well off enough to leave Jackson for. If Anya ever loved me, she would¡¯ve done the right thing and asked for a divorce. She would¡¯ve sat down with her kids and explained the situation to them. Instead, she sought to not only drive the last nail home in my coffin, but to throw the last pile of dirt upon it as well.

    The court gave me an opportunity to respond to the restraining order, and responding wouldn¡¯t have been an option if she was truthful in her statements. I didn¡¯t blame her for being angry at me, but the restraining order felt strong enough without her deceit. To file police reports for a car break-in, accuse me of driving by her home and calling her house then hanging up were unnecessary. I get it, you love your kids, but you don¡¯t ruin the lives of others with lies. If she protected them with the truth, that¡¯s protecting the kids. Our whole relationship was harassment on her part the day she told me she needed permission from her kids, husband, family members and friends to leave her marriage. I honestly failed to decipher the difference between the woman I loved from a frat boy who brought a trusting woman behind a dumpster only to rape her. To allow and encourage me to trust her enough to fall for her as hard as I did, under terms that she promised would change if she loved me. To ask if I¡¯d fight for her, never hesitating for a second because I trusted her love and wants so much. And for her to stay with the emotionally abusive prick she told me horrific things about that brought me exactly where she wanted me, was right up there with rape¡ªI never consented to these terms. And what was my crime? Loving her? Wanting to be with her? Pressuring her to do the right thing by rightfully ending her marriage after all we shared? How could she be this much of a coward when she acted so courageously, defying him several times to visit me? My reward for accommodating and caring for her pain? My reward for defending her at every turn? A restraining order peppered with lies and falsehoods about the man I was. I had every right to not only be upset by this, but to also defend myself parallel to how I was attacked. I wasn¡¯t the Great Gatsby. I wasn¡¯t Glenn Close. I would go out on my terms. There was nothing left to lose, and with that mindset, it was my turn to tell the court my side of the story.

    <u>ANSWER TO THE STATEMENTS IN DV-100 AND OTHER REQUESTS</u>

    <h2>DV-120, Item 20 ¨CMore Information</h2>

    Please accept this document as my answer to the statements in DV-100 and other request as related to the temporary restraining order filed by the protected person Anya Caiaphas with the Supreme Court of California, County of Orange, Lamoreaux Justice Center on September 20, 2011 and granted on September 23, 2011. Please refer to Case Number: BZV002294.

    Personally, for me, this restraining order is irrelevant because I don¡¯t plan on contacting Anya Caiaphas ever again, however this was a matter of someone attacking my character and about obtaining closure to a relationship that at one time really meant a lot to me. Unfortunately, for all of us, this was the only road made available to me because Anya Caiaphas has viciously and unfairly denied me any of the dignity and respect I deserved from someone who claimed to be ¡°in love¡± with me. I felt she never held herself accountable at all for our relationship and for the way things ended between us. She even believes her only fault was ¡°falling in love with me¡± and she was punished for that. However, I feel her fault was encouraging me to fall in love with her by withholding information from me that would¡¯ve given me the chance to make a good informed decision thus avoiding a situation like this. I feel my character is being defamed and I am being unfairly labeled as a ¡°stalker¡± a ¡°harasser¡± or as ¡°obsessed¡±. I feel this way because of the nature and depth of our relationship over a two-year span from June 2, 2007 through October 7, 2009. The truth is this; Anya and Jackson Caiaphas have been lying to everyone around them for years about their marriage and I became a victim of it because I opened my heart to Anya¡¯s pain and trusted all she had told me about her unhappiness. Deep feelings and a shared bond she completely initiated and allowed me to feel. I feel if I don¡¯t stand up for what I believe to be fair, and for my character, both her and Jackson learn nothing from this and will continue seeking emotional support outside their marriage. I want to ensure all their lies have now caught up to them especially if they are going to defame the character of others to keep those lies alive. If I don¡¯t do this, I feel they will continue to hurt people outside the marriage the way Anya has hurt me. I also did this because I want Anya to know what the words ¡°I love you¡± truly mean and what love truly is. I also did this for myself, to learn the truth so I can move on with my life and grow as well.

    I feel it is important to establish the depth and nature of our relationship before I can begin my defense of her accusations. Everything I say can be supported by the texts I have included within this defense response. I certify under laws of perjury that these texts received from Anya Caiaphas between the dates December 1, 2007 and August 17, 2009 are completely true, and accurate. I¡¯d be willing to take a lie detector test and contact the carrier to obtain a log if they come under any question. As Anya is well aware, I used to keep a journal that documented our relationship and included her daily texts as part of this journal. I have even included the dates and times for each text I received from her in 2007 and 2008. In 2009 however, I didn¡¯t see any need to include the time but I do have the dates. It¡¯s important to note, I did this out of love, and never thought I would need them to defend my character. Anya claims I have a lot of information on my computer at home about her, and she¡¯s right; this is that information she speaks of. Anya will also probably deny everything because she is trying to keep alive a lie to protect her ¡°family¡±; a lie I feel would have a noble quality except this lie has affected my life and has now attacked my good character. If Anya, at least the one I used to know, would¡¯ve been receptive to admitting her faults to me, like I kindly requested, I could¡¯ve easily let this go, respected her wishes and moved on with my life. I¡¯ve never called her any names nor have I ever threatened her with physical violence so I feel she is denying me my protected first amendment right. I strongly feel these accusations would affect anyone who was in a deep relationship with someone who they truly loved, respected and appreciated especially if they were led to believe that person felt the same way. In a nutshell, I am only obsessed with three things; seeking closure, protecting my character, and the truth.

    It is important to note that I take my sense of social and moral responsibility very seriously. My rationale in dating a married woman for me was deeply rooted within the Bible and how society has mocked the institution of marriage. The divorce rates are proof of the failure of marriage. It¡¯s not based on love anymore but rather contracts and tax deductions. I¡¯ve never dated a married woman before, nor ever considered it, so I had no idea what to expect, and I¡¯ll admit I was na?ve. I felt if Anya had told me, my husband cheated on me but I still love him and we¡¯re working on things, and I tried to date her, I feel I deserve all the pain I feel, but she did not tell me that. Anya told me she does not love her husband. She doesn¡¯t even kiss him and she never says ¡°I love you¡± back whenever he says it to her. I also learned during our relationship, that not only did her husband cheat on her but was also very unrepentant about it afterwards. I would think a man with real love for someone would at least do everything in his power to make things right for his wife but maybe there are things I didn¡¯t know. Maybe he knows Anya married him for his ability to provide and for nothing else? I question that now however what I felt when I decided to make the decision to see her, my reasons were these; love has been stripped from her heart by his actions and he promised to God and family to honor and cherish his wife yet he failed to do that. I further feel when God envisioned marriage its beginning and its end was not determined by contracts but by the heart. So, that was my moral reasoning for giving Anya a chance. There was no question I would sweep her off her feet by showing her I can be loving, respectful and faithful to her. I felt I was made for this, and I felt God, if He existed, brought me into her life for this reason. I was going to make this right for her and make her happy again but this time, it would be forever. I was going to show her I love the complete her, kids and all so she could be truly happy again.

    Please see my defense to the temporary restraining order as stated below.

    ~ CLAIM #1 ~

    <u>Anya Caiaphas¡¯s Statement:</u>

    ¡°Since I applied for the original restraining order on 9/13/2011 I have received over 60 text messages, emails and over 50 items in the mail between 9/13/11 - 9/17/11.¡±

    <u>Landyn Lastman¡¯s Response:</u>

    It¡¯s important to point out that the original restraining order on 9/13/11 was denied due to lack of reasonable evidence. Please see Exhibit K. I also would like to point out in the packet of text messages Anya has included: (1) she included parts of one text on two pages several times and, (2) there were two duplicates. There were actually 39 texts. Please see Exhibit L for all the texts I did send her on 9/13/11. I will say I sent her an additional 4 texts the following day on 9/14/11 telling her she ¡°will never receive emails, texts, or letters from me ever again¡±. I also let her know in these 4 texts that ¡°I don¡¯t know her anymore. She never existed to me. Her beauty is now dead. To have a nice life. I wish her the best.¡± So, the true total of texts sent to Anya were 43 during the days of 9/13/2011 and 9/14/2011, not 60. Of course, one could understand, her goal is to make me look as terrible as possible by not only providing you with a larger number but also without sending the ones that clearly state I don¡¯t plan on contacting her again. I also did send her 2 emails. I have included both emails in the packet in their entirety so you can see their true intended nature. Please see Exhibit A and Exhibit B for these emails. Of the total of over 50 items I may have sent her, at least 25 of those items were CDs and gift bags. I¡¯ll go into detail on these later in my defense.

    ~ CLAIM #2 ~

    <u> </u>

    <u>Anya Caiaphas¡¯s Statement:</u>

    ¡°Text messages said Mr. Lastman is going to ¡°rearrange his looks for good.¡± which referred to my husband.¡±

    <u>Landyn Lastman¡¯s Response:</u>

    Anya has included only excerpts of this message, but to be fair it¡¯s in her nature to not disclose all information to people so they can make good informed decisions. It¡¯s why I¡¯m even here in the first place. So here is the entire text.

    <u>September 13, 2011</u>

    <u> </u>

    <u>11:38 a.m</u>

    ¡°And let Shithead know <u>if he comes to see me</u> I¡¯m going to rearrange his looks for good.¡±

    I then sent a follow-up text, which doesn¡¯t surprise me she didn¡¯t include it in her packet, stating the following:

    <u> </u>

    <u>11:46 a.m</u>

    ¡°That is a warning. Not a threat. <u>If he comes to see me</u>.¡±

    There were two times during our relationship that Anya has given me reason to fear for my safety from Jackson Caiaphas, notwithstanding the fact we were seeing each other from the years 2007 through 2009, and he knew about our relationship and even my name because he was stalking me. These are the texts I received from Anya that prompted me to state what I did.

    <u> </u>

    <u>Monday, January 3, 2009</u>

    ¡°We had a huge fight and he took off. Idk where he is off to <u>but just in case he has ur address and he shows up don¡¯t open the door</u>. Remember we¡¯re just friends.¡±

    <u>Saturday, June 21, 2009</u>

    ¡°<u>I know he will go after you</u>. I don¡¯t want anything to happen to you.¡±

    I must explicitly state I would never hurt anyone physically; only in self-defense. I only wanted Anya to know that if he comes to see me, I will defend myself accordingly. It¡¯s also important to note that Mr. Jackson Caiaphas had been in my Facebook account therefore he cannot be trusted.

    ~ CLAIM #3 ~

    <u> </u>

    <u>Anya Caiaphas¡¯s Statement:</u>

    ¡°Mr. Lastman threatened to contact my kids.¡±

    <u> </u>

    <u>Landyn Lastman¡¯s Response:</u>

    I have never threatened to contact her kids. These are kids I learned to grow fond of and they are innocent in all of this. In fact, I fell deeper in love with Anya because she shared their lives with me. I was also invited and accepted an invitation by Anya to see her daughter perform in a recital on Saturday, June 28, 2008. Another text is provided below to support I was in attendance that evening and what it meant to her.

    <u> </u>

    <u>Sunday, June 29, 2008</u>

    <u> </u>

    <u>8:34 p.m</u>

    ¡°I¡¯m still very touched you came to see my daughter perform. Made me realize how much I love you.¡±

    Please see all the texts I have received from Anya Caiaphas I have provided as evidence to support the depth and nature of our relationship. Also, I included in Exhibit H an essay Anya gave me that Katie Caiaphas wrote. I was that close to Anya and it will explain why I had a hard time with our relationship¡¯s end. Only through the gift I sent, or through this restraining order. her kids may find out indirectly, but <u>never by direct contact</u>. I guess if they found out indirectly, or if their parents come clean, her kids will blame me instead of blaming themselves for any problems in the marriage they have to know exists. If they did find out through their parents, it would be a good lesson for them to learn how important it is to respect the feelings and emotions of others by remaining faithful in their relationships but it appears both Anya and Jackson are too afraid to teach them that. In conclusion, I never threatened to contact her kids and I never would.

    ~ CLAIM #4 ~

    <u> </u>

    <u>Anya Caiaphas¡¯s Statement:</u>

    ¡°Landyn Lastman continuously sends offensive text messages ¡°Shithead, his ass, fucker¡± etc.

    <u> </u>

    <u> </u>

    <u>Landyn Lastman¡¯s Response:</u>

    I have told Anya she would not receive any further communication from me in any form on 9/14/2011 before I received the restraining order filed on 9/20/2011. I even sent her an email titled ¡°My Final Communication¡± which I included. Please see Exhibit B for this email in its entirety. I did use these names to describe her husband. I don¡¯t like her husband, and I¡¯m certain Anya felt the same way to feel justified enough to have a relationship with me for two years. I don¡¯t like the fact he cheated on his wife, further disrespected and dishonored her afterwards, and I had to pay the price for that because I opened my heart to her. He was also in my Facebook account cyber-stalking me for over a year in a half. I understand his curiosity however I feel it¡¯s rather hypocritical considering he¡¯s cheated on Anya multiple times. A marriage should stand for mutual trust, love and respect, and if that''s missing, please do the world a favor and get a divorce. I am not happy I was a part of this man¡¯s life for one day if she had any plans to stay after all I did for her and after all she told me about him. So yes, I said these things in reference to him, but I have every right to feel the way I do about him. In fact, let¡¯s be honest, I¡¯m sure Mr. Caiaphas has used a few choice words about me and called me a lot worse, especially after the package I sent to him. If he didn¡¯t throw a death threat in there at me when he saw it, I¡¯d be surprised. Taken that into consideration, shouldn¡¯t I be the one in fear for my safety?

    ~ CLAIM #5 ~

    <u> </u>

    <u>Anya Caiaphas¡¯s Statement:</u>

    ¡°Some of his emails states ¡°Don¡¯t threaten me with no contact¡±, ¡°I don¡¯t need you to be disrespectful otherwise you will receive the same in return¡±, ¡°Shithead can fuck an orangutan and bring you back the Ebola.¡±, ¡°Our ending never sat well with me.¡±, ¡°Someone will pay.¡±, ¡°Call the National Guard or SEALS to come invade me, I don¡¯t give a shit.¡±, ¡°if you try to hurt me in any way you will deal with me and if you don¡¯t like it tough shit.¡±, ¡°No one will be safe, this is what happens when you fuck over good people.¡±, ¡°It¡¯s fucked up and it¡¯s time you faced the music¡±, ¡°Anya died.¡± Etc.¡±

    <u>Landyn Lastman¡¯s Response:</u>

    In Exhibit A, I have included the email in its entirety. Again, it¡¯s in Anya¡¯s nature to disclose only parts of information people need to make good informed decisions for themselves. So, I would like to address each statement individually so there is complete clarity. If I told her these things over the phone, I could understand her not including everything in her statements, but she had the email right in front of her and yet she still choose this route to intentionally omit integral parts to not only mislead the court, but to also hurt me as if she hasn¡¯t done enough of that already.Find this and other great novels on the author''s preferred platform. Support original creators!

    (1) "Don''t threaten me with no contact." & "I don''t need you to be disrespectful otherwise you will receive the same in return"

    She purposely left out the most essential part of this statement. The fact that she does this here provides evidence why I wanted an apology for encouraging me to fall in love with her without being truthful in the beginning about the real reasons why she was there. She purposely left out really important things I needed to know and that¡¯s why we are here today. The complete message I sent with the missing part underlined, is provided below:

    ¡°Don¡¯t threaten me with non-contact. <u>I have no further reason to contact you</u> and I don¡¯t need you to be disrespectful otherwise you will receive the same in return.¡±

    Please see Exhibit A that includes the entire hard copy of this email I sent to Anya on 9/11/2011.

    (2) "Shithead could fuck an orangutan and bring you back the Ebola."

    I¡¯m very pleased she included this one. Again, she is leaving out the rest of this statement. The complete statement though reads as follows:

    ¡°<u>The truth is</u> Shithead could fuck an orangutan, bring you back the Ebola <u>virus and you¡¯d still stay.¡±</u><u> </u>

    I made this statement in reference to Anya lying to me about the reasons she was still married to her husband and I took offense to it because if she had been honest with me from the beginning I would¡¯ve never been in her life. 4 years of my life are now gone because I trusted what she told me about him. I felt used and betrayed by her, and her defense of him in her restraining order only proves I had the right to feel this way all along. Please see Exhibit B that includes the entire hard copy of this email I sent to Anya on 9/14/2011.

    <u>(3) ¡°Our ending never sat well with me¡±</u>

    Again, she is leaving out the rest of this statement. The true statement reads as follows:

    ¡°<u>I tried to let this go. The good lord knows I have.</u> Our ending <u>just</u> never sat well with me.¡±

    It never sat well with me because she attacked my character after two years of putting my heart and soul into her happiness. To have her accuse me of being a ¡°harasser¡±, a ¡°stalker¡± and ¡°obsessed¡± after all she shared with me was brutal. I was the one who knew her pain. I was the one who knew her unhappiness. I knew what truly made her happy. To see her not go to bat for me was heartbreaking. I took it really hard. I provided evidence of counseling appointments at Exhibit K to show how difficult it was for me. It¡¯s not about Anya being with me. She didn¡¯t have to be with me. It¡¯s not about that. This is not a ¡°fatal attraction¡± at all. It¡¯s about her knowing what love truly is. That love is a verb before it can become a noun. To know there¡¯s a difference between lust and love. It¡¯s about being respectful of the feelings and emotions of others. It¡¯s about her treating me with the dignity and respect I feel I deserved from her. It¡¯s about her looking inward and saying ¡°you know what, Landyn may be right after all.¡± Whenever I questioned her love she would get angry with me but if she wasn¡¯t going to fight for it, how could she ever get upset at me for questioning it? I sadly believed she was truly in love with me, but in the end the only person she was truly in love with was herself. I believe love at least knows ¡°if¡± if it doesn¡¯t know ¡°when¡± therefore it removes uncertainty and it makes people feel secure and safe. The truth is Anya never made me feel safe and she never removed any uncertainty no matter what I did for her. She told me she was ¡°in love¡± with me and I trusted that so when my character came into question, yes, the ending never sat well with me and she¡¯d feel the same way if she were me. I feel we were both deserving of an ending on good terms. Please see Exhibit B that includes the entire hard copy of this email I sent to Anya on 9/14/2011.

    <u>(4) ¡°Someone will pay."</u>

    Standing on its own, this sounds terrible. Again, she is leaving out the rest of this message. The true statement reads as follows:

    ¡°The one thing you never do in life, and <u>I hope you teach your kids this</u>, is to never encourage someone to fall deeply in love with you knowing you will let them go. You knew from day one what you were going to do. It was deliberate. It was malicious. It was intentional. All to feed your ego. You know it and that¡¯s why you run like a scared cat. You harassed my heart for 2 years and I¡¯ll be damned <u>if you¡¯re not going to pay for it in some way</u>.¡±

    I underlined ¡°I hope you teach your kids this¡± to support I had no intention of contacting the kids. I feel she knew she was going to leave me with a ton of feelings because of things she shared with me after I was already deeply in love with her. Most notably, her mom along with her close friends and neighbors who have also been betrayed stayed for the kids. From the very beginning I clearly told her ¡°I didn¡¯t want to get hurt¡± and that it was the reason why I walked away from her in June 2007. She knew she had kids before she met me along with this information, and I felt she knew what she was going to do from day one. I clearly state in this letter there would be no physical harm done to anyone¡ªthat¡¯s not in my nature, but I do speak out if I¡¯ve been hurt like any other normal human being would especially when their character is questioned. The first amendment to the Constitution of the United States allows me that right. I¡¯m not yelling ¡°fire¡± in a crowded theater here¡ªmy words are all based in truth and in self-defense of my character. I¡¯m allowed an emotional response after she sent me a heart pendant she claimed meant nothing. I didn¡¯t want anyone to pay, not even her, but I needed closure so I could move on and let this go, and I feel she cruelly denied me that. Please see Exhibit B that includes the entire hard copy of this email I sent to Anya on 9/14/2011.

    <u>(5) ¡°Call the National Guard or SEALS to come invade me. I don''t give a shit."</u>

    She came close on this one, finally. The true statement reads as follows:

    ¡°So I¡¯ll tell you what, you can call the National Guard or have a SEALS team come invade my residence.¡±

    The day we broke up she told me she forwarded my personal information to a neighborhood police official and that she claims to ¡°know people¡± in an attempt to intimidate me. So, I was basically mocking her with this statement because she knows so many people who knows <u>OF</u> her but don¡¯t truly know her, but this is what you get with these types of people who have a false sense of power because they happen to know a couple of people in higher places. I have absolutely nothing to hide and again I¡¯m just letting her know I¡¯m only armed with the truth. Please see Exhibit B that includes the entire hard copy of this email I sent to Anya on 9/14/2011.

    <u>(6) ¡°If you try to hurt me in any way, you will deal with me, and if you don''t like it, tough shit."</u>

    She actually got this one right on. No need to provide the original statement. However, it was followed by the following:

    ¡°I¡¯m not a violent man by any stretch of your imagination but I will tell you how I feel.¡±

    This woman has not only hurt my life, but she continues to try to do so. She is willfully defaming my character and I have every right to defend it. If you hurt me, you will deal with me like you are now. Again, as long as I don¡¯t call her names or threaten her with violence, in which I¡¯ve never done nor would I ever do, I¡¯m allowed to express how I feel. It¡¯s my first amendment right. She betrayed me by not being honest with me when we met and I trusted her. After she approached me, asked me for my phone number, set up a date, told me her husband cheated on her multiple times, was upset with me for breaking her heart by walking away because she was married before we reconnected, then had the audacity to tell me I was immoral. Yes, if you hurt me, or question my character, I¡¯m going to tell you how I feel so deal with it. I¡¯d expect the same from her and I¡¯d respect that. Please see Exhibit B that includes the entire hard copy of this email I sent to Anya on 9/14/2011.

    <u>(7) ¡°No one will be safe. This is what happens when you fuck over good people."</u>

    Again, she only includes the part that makes me look bad. I could understand if this was a message I left on her phone, but she has the email right in front of her. This was sent to intentionally mislead the court and taken completely out of context. This is my statement in its entirety:

    ¡°Since there will apparently be no apology, I will state for the record, your inconsideration of my feelings <u>will not yield an ounce of violence from me unless in self-defense</u> and believe me I am ready for anyone and anything. Your inconsideration however will yield a true revealing of who you and Jackson really are. It¡¯s my gift to you for all the pain you put me and others through and no one will be safe<u> from the truth of who you and him really are</u>. This is what happens when you fuck over good people in life.¡±

    No one will be safe from <u>the truth</u>. I know the truth is very scary to both Jackson and Anya. Again, this is about a person who has made her own bed but is afraid to sleep in it. All I wanted was a sense of closure and was even willing to meet with Anya or exchange texts so we could end on good terms but she never gave me that opportunity. If she truly feared for her safety and for the safety of her family, why wouldn¡¯t she? Anya encouraged me to fall in love with her without telling me when we met that she was there because she didn¡¯t want to break up a family. She put me in a terrible position by encouraging me to fall in love with her if she was going to look at things that way. I blame both Anya and Jackson. I felt absolutely betrayed that I had to learn this after she allowed me to feel so much for her and became such an integral part of my life. It was natural to be hurt by that emotionally. I really tried to let things go but she really wronged me¡ªI was allowed an emotional response¡ªI had a legitimate purpose to defend myself. Please see Exhibit B that includes the entire hard copy of this email I sent to Anya on 9/14/2011.

    <u>(8) ¡°It''s fucked up and it''s time you faced the music."</u>

    She is right about this one however it was preceded by the following:

    ¡°You are trying to portray me as wanting to break up a family and hurt kids. Kids you allowed me to grow fond of.¡±

    Yes, I believe that¡¯s pretty fucked up to do to someone. She brought me really close to her kids by sharing their daily lives with me, so much so I knew them better than even her own husband did. This is fully substantiated in the texts I received from Anya that are included in this response letter. This hurt me more than anything. This is just a whole lot of hurt talking here. I could only imagine, knowing how much she loves kids, how badly she would feel if I had shared the daily lives on my children with her, if I had them, giving her false hope. Please see Exhibit B that includes the entire hard copy of this email I sent to Anya on 9/14/2011.

    <u>(9) ¡°Anya Died¡± </u>

    I never said Anya died. I did say, in a text, her beauty died in my heart, so in that sense, she did die to me. I think what¡¯s she trying to do here is tell the court I want her dead or something. That couldn¡¯t be further from the truth.

    ~ CLAIM #6 ~

    <u> </u>

    <u>Anya Caiaphas¡¯s Statement:</u>

    ¡°Mr. Lastman continues to threaten me and my kids and I¡¯m very concerned about his comment to do bodily harm to my husband as mentioned above.¡±

    <u>Landyn Lastman¡¯s Response:</u>

    I¡¯ve never threatened her kids with anything, nor would I ever do so. I¡¯ve only defended myself with the truth in an effort to get the closure I needed so I could move on. I¡¯ve never called her a single name or threatened her with any form of bodily harm nor would I ever. Please refer to my statements in Claim#2 about her husband, and again I would never physically harm anyone unless in self-defense. I¡¯m in more physical danger from Jackson Caiaphas than he is from me. I was in a romantic relationship with his wife for two full years. Common sense needs to be exercised here by the court.

    ~ CLAIM #7 ~

    <u> </u>

    <u> </u>

    <u> </u>

    <u>Anya Caiaphas¡¯s Statement:</u>

    ¡°I have attached copies of pictures and I¡¯ve asked repeatedly to stop contacting me but seems like the more I ask the more he escalates in anger and does not stop harassing me and my family.¡±

    <u>Landyn Lastman¡¯s Response:</u>

    The problem is Anya is not asking, she is threatening me and attacking my character. I¡¯ve included nearly two years worth of texts from Anya Caiaphas in my response. Would anyone, after a two year seriously deep relationship with someone, be content with being accused of being a stalker and a harasser? Wanting to be with someone that not only allowed but encouraged me to care for them and to love them dearly, is truly my only crime. Based on the depth and nature of our relationship, I was upset she treated me in this manner instead of showing me the dignity and respect I deserved. The dignity and respect I gave her throughout our relationship. The dignity and respect that is consistent with her many ¡°I love you forever¡± claims. She has attacked my character unfairly and expected that to not affect me. I¡¯m certain, if I had treated her the same way she treated me, she would escalate in anger as well. If I had called her names and threatened her with any bodily harm, I could understand her anger however I¡¯ve done none of these things nor would I. She needs to take responsibility for her behavior and understand it¡¯s why this continued as long as it did. She needs to learn how to respect the feelings and emotions of others and how her disposition and attitude contributes to their less than desired responses. Giving her a restraining order only reinforces her bad behavior towards others. She should be discouraged from pursuing relationships with men outside her marriage and the same with her philandering husband. Granting a restraining order gives them the freedom to continue hurting others.

    ~ CLAIM #8 ~

    <u> </u>

    <u>Anya Caiaphas¡¯s Statement:</u>

    ¡°He has also contacted my friends and harassed them by messaging them about my life and how terrible my situation is to him.¡±

    <u> </u>

    <u>Landyn Lastman¡¯s Response:</u>

    First, I contacted her friends because they were giving Anya advice without knowledge of all the facts and I felt, as good friends, they should have the same information I have. Since I know her friends and they know me, I felt comfortable doing so and in no way shape or form did I ever harass them. In fact, they never objected to any of my emails. Yes, her life is terrible to me because I knew it was terrible for her as well. As evidenced in text messages I had received from her below:

    <u>Sunday, September 28, 2008</u>

    <u>11:56 a.m.</u>

    ¡°Thank u for being my best friend. <u>Ur not responsible for how I feel about my sit. It¡¯s just the way it has been and still is</u>.¡±

    <u>Tuesday, October 28, 2008</u>

    <u>8:57 p.m.</u>

    ¡°I¡¯m not doing so well. I¡¯m really depressed. I canceled work for tom. I¡¯m going to need a couple of days to snap out of this darkness.¡±

    <u>Tuesday, January 4, 2009</u>

    ¡°I¡¯m depressed and sad.¡±

    <u> </u>

    <u>Friday, February 6, 2009</u>

    ¡°No kidding! Kind of sick doing it alone!¡±

    ¡°I know but I can¡¯t complain cuz I don¡¯t work full-time and it¡¯s my assumed role. Sorry for venting.¡±

    ¡°I know I make some noise sometimes.¡±

    ¡°Thx 4 understanding. I hauled ass today and haven¡¯t stopped driving since 3:30 and won¡¯t be done until baseball is over at 8:30. Gets old!¡±

    ¡°I just think maybe helping w/one way or two would take a great load off my back esp this rain! Ok I¡¯m done. Sorry!¡±

    That¡¯s pretty typical. I work out at 5 so I can stay looking decent and work all day till I pick up. Then I have to handle dinner and homework in between!¡±

    ¡°Sorry I had to go. I walked up but guess they r not quite done yet. Too loud in here to talk. Found a female on a bench so sitting down next 2 her. Safer.¡±

    <u>Tuesday, February 24, 2009</u>

    ¡°You¡¯ll never believe what is happening. You¡¯re the only person I can tell. Andrew is on the same baseball team w/the son of one of the girls he cheated with.¡±

    ¡°Andrew has his 1<sup>st</sup> practice game tonight and I didn¡¯t go cuz I hate her and she hates me. I don¡¯t know how this is going to shake down when we start real games.¡±

    ¡°Cuz I told her husband and eventually he left her. She has since re-married.¡±

    ¡°I just don¡¯t know how I¡¯m going to be able to handle my anger. Don¡¯t want to miss Andrew¡¯s games but don¡¯t want to sit close to her either.¡±

    ¡°I have an idea! Why don¡¯t you go to the games and sit with me and they can go sit together! I¡¯m brilliant!¡±

    ¡°She treated me badly afterwards. She would talk about me and give me nasty looks when I would run into her around town.¡±

    <u>Tuesday, April 14, 2009</u>

    ¡°I miss you more than you know.¡±

    ¡°You don¡¯t see me throughout the day. You don¡¯t see what I go through.¡±

    <u>Monday, April 27, 2009</u>

    ¡°Morning! Made it through another night. Seems like I¡¯m living day by day waiting for it to end so I can sleep it off.¡±

    ¡°At batting cages w/Andrew.¡±

    ¡°Yup! One female employee!¡±

    <u>Friday, August 14, 2009</u>

    ¡°I don¡¯t like where I am in my life.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m constantly stressed and I don¡¯t like it.¡±

    To say I harassed them is absolutely false, and I only contacted them out of my love for Anya. I wanted them to know the truth. They thought Anya was being selfish and that she just fell out of love with her husband, and I wanted them to know they were wrong. There were real reasons why she felt the way she did and I felt they should know about them if they were giving her advice whether to stay or leave her marriage. The texts prove I had a real reason to feel this way. One of the friends I contacted, approached me just this past June at a restaurant and asked me how I was doing. Her friends were always kind to me and I felt comfortable reaching out to them. They know I¡¯m not the person she is making me out to be. If they felt harassed by any of my emails, they would¡¯ve let me know.

    ~ CLAIM #9 ~

    <u>Anya Caiaphas¡¯s Statement:</u>

    ¡°Also, since I applied for the restraining order last week 9/13/2011, I have received an unusually high counts of phone calls and hang ups to my home.¡±

    <u>Landyn Lastman¡¯s Response:</u>

    In the day and age of caller ID, how come she wasn¡¯t able to trace or provide the court with a phone number? I can prove via my phone records it was not me. It¡¯s also important to note I don¡¯t even know her home phone number. In addition, Anya and Jackson Caiaphas have a history of infidelity in their marriage therefore maybe my package abruptly forced one of them to end their relationship with someone else and that someone else wasn¡¯t happy about it? Purely speculative I know but possible based on prior history and their attempt to deceive the court. The bottom line, again, this is absolute slander and defamation of character without proper proof. Since they are defaming and slandering my name, then I have every right to respond. Please refer to the first amendment of the United States Constitution. I¡¯ve got nothing to hide. I¡¯m confident the truth is on my side¡ªit¡¯s all I¡¯m armed with here. They have an incentive to deceive everyone and it should be common sense to see. This court cannot reward those who lie and punish the one who tells the truth.

    ~CLAIM #10~

    <u>Anya Caiaphas¡¯s Statement:</u>

    ¡°I received over 50 items in the mail sent to my house packaged and disguised as coming from one of my customers with their customer information since 8/13/2011 last Tuesday. I have attached copies of pictures of items sent in mail along with copious amounts of messages. The items include but not limited to: CD¡¯s, DVD¡¯s, a bra, and a soiled beach towel sprayed with men¡¯s cologne, random shopping bags, vulgar and offensive notes attached attacking my husband and his character and references made to my children and contacting them. I have also received books on divorce with endless pages of highlighted paragraphs and handwritten notes and instructions and directions to me.¡±

    <u>Landyn Lastman¡¯s Response:</u>

    She must think we¡¯re still in August but I¡¯m sure she meant September. These over 50 items, if there truly were over 50 which I highly doubt, was my attempt to obtain closure. This was my gift to Jackson Caiaphas; ALL the gifts she had given me over the course of our relationship. I was returning the pain to him that did not belong to me. The pictures of these items were mostly everything she had ever given me. She even left out a couple of things I included, please see Exhibit J. but of course that would show how much I cared about her. There were no DVD¡¯s sent in this package. Only CD¡¯s she made me as evidenced in several text messages Anya sent me that I included in my response. The bra is hers. She left ¡°it¡± at my place. Again, this is evidenced in the texts I received from Anya included in my response. The so-called ¡°soiled beach towel sprayed with men¡¯s cologne¡± was actually clean when I sent it, and did not belong to her but we did use it to fool around in on our beach. Of course, in her picture, the woman of great morality, doesn¡¯t open it fully to show that it isn¡¯t soiled. If anything, it smells like Apothia. This was the perfume she used to wear, and I sprayed the inside of the box with it. She left two bottles of perfume at my place (Apothia and Kai) and I returned those as well to her as pictured with the iPod alarm clock she bought me. These random shopping bags were all the gift bags she brought to me that held her gifts inside. A peppermint bark tin I kept for the time she brought me candy during the holidays and a card she gave me. It¡¯s really sad to return that one because it came from a good place. The ¡°Girls are Weirdos¡± book was something she gave me as well and again, I believed that came from a good place. I also sent her back a spa gift card she had gotten me that I never used. I figured it would come in handy especially now since her unfortunate car accident. Unfortunately, I needed to send her back all the things that represented the Anya that never truly existed. I¡¯m getting the real Anya now after giving her every opportunity in the world to prove me wrong. Sending her back everything she ever gave me was sending her the message that I¡¯m moving on with my life. For the record, I taped at the bottom of the box a message to her husband that read ¡°Happy Birthday Asswipe.¡± and below it ¡°Cheaters Never Propser¡±¡ªmy only regret is not using spell check. This was clearly addressed to Jackson Caiaphas, as pictured, and not to Anya. I will go into detail about slanderous accusations made about contacting her children, the vulgar language, and the books I sent in my next response. In summary, in an effort to achieve closure, since she wasn¡¯t gracious enough to provide that to me so I could move on without doing something like this, I sent back all the gifts and things I held on to, back to him for his birthday. This box, the gifts came in, was completely wrapped and disguised as a birthday gift to him.

    <u> </u>

    ~CLAIM #11~

    <u> </u>

    <u>Anya Caiaphas¡¯s Statement:</u>

    ¡°The vulgar notes include ¡°The time has come to teach your kids what matters most in this life.¡± ¡°This is the consequence¡±, ¡°Happy birthday Asswipe.¡±¡±

    <u>Landyn Lastman¡¯s Response:</u>

    The note I attached inside the gift was directed at Jackson Caiaphas and not her kids. She said this was a threat to contact her kids and all I said was the time has come to teach your kids what matters most in this life based on the evidence that lies before them (her gifts to me sent back to him). Anya¡¯s gifts truly represent what brings people happiness in life, not money or things. Anya is beyond a great mother to her children however I do question some values that are being taught to them in this life. Again, there has NEVER been a threat made to contact her kids from me. I would never do such a thing. Her goal is to make me look like a monster but she¡¯s doing it by defaming my character and slandering me, and it¡¯s wrong. She has no incentive to be honest. Being honest destroys her entire false narrative as she is intentionally trying to deceive the court about me.

    The ¡°This is the consequence¡± was followed by:

    ¡°For being the catalyst behind someone¡¯s unhappiness and unfortunate accident all because she met someone who truly appreciated her, respected her and loved her. Don¡¯t you ever criticize her for what she found in me and us.¡±

    I¡¯ve included the message attached to the box in its entirety so you could see its true intended nature. Please see Exhibit C. I blame him for her car accident because I knew how she lived her life everyday. I knew all about her stress. I pushed her to leave because I was afraid maybe one day she would get hurt. Little did I know my fears for her would come to fruition. I said some terrible things about her in my email but the truth is I¡¯m mad that she was in an accident because I know if she were with me, it would¡¯ve never happened. I knew how she lived her life everyday. It¡¯s why I forced her to tell him the truth if she truly was ¡°in love¡± with me. I was trying to save Anya from herself. I¡¯m just not happy at all she was hurt in this accident. There¡¯s a human being aspect here, but I have to defend my character at all costs. I¡¯m hoping after all this is said and done, she will begin to embrace a life of truth and honesty because she is mentally ill as long as she remains married to Jackson Caiaphas. If anything, I hope this may open the door for her to have a love she truly deserves from someone someday. One, who truly loves, respects and appreciates her like I did.

    In regards to my ¡°Happy Birthday Asswipe¡± message. Any man who cheats on his wife while she is pregnant because she gained weight. Any man who cheats on his wife with another married woman. Any man who disrespects or dishonors his wife in any way, and any man who is the same man who has done those things, and then hypocritically cyber-stalks me and gets in my Facebook account, is an Asswipe to me, among other things.

    ~CLAIM #12~

    <u> </u>

    <u>Anya Caiaphas¡¯s Statement:</u>

    ¡°The books are called ¡°The Good Divorce¡± and ¡°Cheat¡± something. There are over 200 pages highlighted on subjects such as ¡°letting go of guilt¡±, ¡°how to¡±, ¡°Disorderly and orderly separation¡±, ¡°What divorce is and is not.¡±. ¡°Pathways to a good divorce¡±, ¡°What¡¯s normal in a divorce¡± etc.¡±

    <u>Landyn Lastman¡¯s Response:</u>

    The books I sent are called ¡°The Good Divorce¡± and ¡°Why Good People have Affairs¡±. I put a sticky on that one and wrote, ¡°That was for Anya only.¡± To add the books to the gift was a last second decision on my part. She did not give me these books. I bought these books and read them. I found them interesting so I highlighted and wrote notes basically for myself. I never thought I would send them to her so I forgot I had highlighted and wrote notes on them. It¡¯s nice to know she¡¯s giving them a gander. They were really good, and really helps explain what I was fighting for. I believe if she truly loved me she would pay attention to books such as these, but I¡¯m certain she was only in love with the idea of being in love again and she found a fool who thought she truly loved him. I¡¯m not a fool anymore, that¡¯s for certain. This is the proof I needed.

    ~CLAIM #13~

    <u>Anya Caiaphas¡¯s Statement:</u>

    ¡°Along with physical submitted evidence of Mr. Lastman¡¯s harassment and stalking, there have been several recent events that are completely out of what is normal in our lives. These events include: increased amount of phone calls and hang-ups to my home, sighting of Mr. Lastman driving by, and a break in to one of our cars on Sunday 9/18/2011 which occurred on my driveway. I have filed a break in report with the Dana Point Police Dept. this morning on 9/20/11 with the DR# 112-61586. I also filed a harassment charge report with the officer with the DR# 112-61587 today. This was my second harassment report in 2 years.¡±

    <u>Landyn Lastman¡¯s Response:</u>

    This submitted physical evidence of ¡°harassment¡± and ¡°stalking¡± is actually called obtaining closure and is nothing more than ¡°submitted physical evidence¡± of me moving on. If Anya is unhappy about my moving on, she can contact me at any time. I promise I won¡¯t defame her character the way she had chosen to defame mine and I¡¯d show her all the respect and dignity in the world. I would never obstruct her first amendment right the way she has obstructed mine.

    Again, not only do I not know her home phone number, I can produce phone records that prove I didn¡¯t call and hang up. I have way too much pride to do that. Again, Jackson and Anya have had other affair partners and maybe their relationships are now being shaken up by my actions? I don¡¯t know.

    I did not drive by her house. I have much better things to do and no time to. Who witnessed me? What time? What day? What¡¯s my driver¡¯s plate number? How was this confirmed? There was no eyewitness name attached to this accusation, nor dates or times, yet she still makes it.

    The break-in report is pure defamation. I have no prior criminal history nor would I ever do something like this. I went to the Dana Point Police Department and learned DR# 112-61589 was the break-in report and DR# 112-61586 was the harassment report. First off, not only does she file a break-in report, she includes only an unclear darkened picture. What is the name and badge number of the officer who would take this report as a ¡°break-in¡±? Where is the picture of broken glass that would provide real evidence of a break-in? Did an officer come and take fingerprints? I can understand she¡¯s not happy with me, but to take it to this extent to cover up a lie is criminal, in itself. This is a perfect example of why I questioned her honesty and why I was upset she attacked my character. This is why I felt the way I did about her withholding the truth from me at the very beginning of our relationship. Please note she signed this under state <u>perjury</u> laws. She is either trying to defame my character to protect a lie or being bullied by her husband, Jackson Caiaphas, who is even coercing her to commit perjury. It¡¯s hard to believe Anya would suggest I would ever do such a thing. She¡¯s knows me better than that.

    <u> </u>

    ~CLAIM #14~

    <u>Anya Caiaphas¡¯s Statement:</u>

    ¡°I met Mr. Lastman over 4 years ago. He has been harassing me for over 2 years and I would just like to be left alone. I don¡¯t want Mr. Lastman to continue to threaten, harass, stalk me, and my family. He has psychologically abused me for years and I¡¯m in fear for my life and the wellbeing of my kids, my husband, and friends.¡±

    <u>Landyn Lastman¡¯s Response:</u>

    Again, the gifts I sent back to her were the gifts she had given me over the course of our nearly 2-year relationship. I was putting closure on our relationship and moving on. Based on the emails, texts I sent her, and gifts I sent back, this restraining order is pure flattery at this point. I¡¯m not obsessed with Anya. I was obsessed with the truth and with who Anya Caiaphas truly is. I wasn¡¯t sure if she was truly in love with me or truly in love with the idea of being in love again. I needed to know how to feel. If this hasn¡¯t taught me the truth, nothing ever will. Anya Caiaphas claims I have psychologically abused her for years. That¡¯s very interesting because I feel the exact same way however I actually have evidence to support my claims of psychological abuse. Please see Exhibit G for this evidence. I would like to see evidence of this psychological abuse she speaks of. Has she ever sought psychological counseling? Where are the records? She has provided no evidence just hearsay. Anya Caiaphas encouraged me to fall deeply in love with her without telling me the real reasons she was still married to a philanderer. She told me what we had was ¡°very special¡±. She allowed me to grow fond of her kids and then allowed me to be in a position that if I wanted to be with her it would come at the expense of their happiness. You just don¡¯t do that to people you¡¯re ¡°in love¡± with. In response to being in fear for her life I would like to see evidence of that. I¡¯ve never threatened her with bodily harm nor have called her any names. I will always care about Anya and I would never dream of hurting her physically in any way shape or form. My character was unfairly attacked, I had to defend it, and seek the truth so I could move on with my life. If Anya had been gracious enough to allow me to take another path, I would have.

    <u> </u>

    ~CLAIM #15~

    <u>Anya Caiaphas¡¯s Statement:</u>

    ¡°Mr. Lastman is obsessed with me and stalks me. He knows information about me and my family in detail. He makes references to them ¡°How is your arm from your car accident¡±, ¡°You never told me about your Sunday family dinners,¡± ¡°Call your family lawyer¡± Etc.

    <u>Landyn Lastman¡¯s Response:</u>

    For 2 years after our breakup, please refer to all the texts from Anya included within my response, I¡¯ve been a wreck. I became ¡°obsessed¡± only because Anya¡¯s love left me confused, I could¡¯ve sworn it was real. I don¡¯t need any further proof than to look at this restraining order, and all the false accusations she makes within it, to know she has no idea what love truly is. It¡¯s really all I needed to know, even learning I wasn¡¯t crazy for questioning it, the way she made me feel at times. My anger with her stems mostly from her not being honest with me about the real reason she was there, after encouraging me to fall in love with her, before hitting me with ¡°as mothers we sacrifice our happiness for the kids¡±. She then tried turning me into an immoral crazy psycho stalker and harasser who wanted to break up a family. After all she told me, in all these texts I¡¯ve included, that alone will always blow me away. I really don¡¯t think I could ever trust the words ¡°I love you¡± from someone ever again. So yes, I did take this hard. I only became ¡°obsessed¡± with understanding why she chose to treat me this way. When it came down to my thoughts being more focused around my broken heart, than being focused on my mother who is battling Cancer, a woman who never hurt me a day in her life, my heart and mind sought closure in order to shift my focus where it should be. As long as no one was physically threatened or harmed, closure at this point was something I had to find no matter what. I think anyone who truly loved someone, who really believed that person felt the same way about them, would have a hard time letting go of that love¡ªthe kind of love she led me to believe I had with her. The truth is Anya loves herself far too much to know what love truly is. It¡¯s not a bad thing to love yourself, but when it leads you to feeling entitled to affection from others, it¡¯s the worst thing imaginable. In the end, the only things I became ¡°obsessed¡± with was the truth and in obtaining closure.

    The information gathered about Anya¡¯s ¡°car accident¡± was from her Facebook profile picture¡ªher forearm was noticeably damaged. Of course, I worried and asked her through a letter if she was okay. She finally broke down and told me she was in an accident. I didn¡¯t even know it was a car accident until I saw a court filing online. Please see a copy of Anya¡¯s letter to me at Exhibit D.

    I also came across an internet periodical her son wrote about his Bar Mitzvah referencing the Sunday Night Family Dinners he looked forward to (Please see Exhibit E). I think if she had been truthful from the beginning about everything, including the Sunday Night Family dinners, I would¡¯ve made better choices. To read her son looked forward to those and my hopes of being with Anya hinged upon breaking those up for him is beyond painful to me¡ªshe intentionally hid them from me but I didn¡¯t want that kind of protection.

    ~CLAIM #16~

    <u>Anya Caiaphas¡¯s Statement:</u>

    ¡°I would just like to request Mr. Lastman to stop harassing me so it doesn¡¯t keep going for 4 more years of calling the police, and going to court. Thank you for your consideration¡±.

    <u>Landyn Lastman¡¯s Response:</u>

    She is completely flattering herself at this point. It¡¯s important to point out she filed for the restraining order after telling her I would not contact her again and after sending her back all the gifts she ever sent me. If she is unhappy about my moving on, she can contact me at any time and again, I promise not to defame her character, obstruct her first amendment right to an emotional response, and treat her with dignity and respect.

    <u>SUMMARY DEFENSE RESPONSE:</u>

    This was all about obtaining closure for me. It¡¯s not about the restraining order being granted or not because I¡¯d never break it. My concerns are these; I have provided evidence based on my response that Anya Caiaphas has not fully disclosed the most essential details of her statements. She included only excerpts of words written when she had the entire emails in front of her to intentionally hide their intended nature and meaning from the court. She also failed to mention with purposeful intent, the items sent to her were mostly all the gifts she gave me over the course of our relationship¡ªthese were not random items mailed to someone in a box. They had meaning to me and maybe they had meaning to her too. Anya has every right to feel hurt and to be upset at me for sending them back, however these items were not allowing me to move on and she used them to manipulate my feelings for her. I had to send her the message that when you say, ¡°I love you¡± to someone, and when you allow and encourage someone to have deep feelings for you in this kind of situation. you have to mean it. There are people out there who do take those words, trust them, and take her actions seriously regardless of her ¡°situation¡±. Anya discounted my feelings and emotions with these gifts and my message by sending them back to her was, I¡¯m letting you go and moving on. I feel what I¡¯ve done gives me no choice but to as this act did nothing less than extinguish all the hope I had left. More importantly, sending the gifts to her husband symbolized returning the pain back to the person it should truly belong to. Hopefully this will teach him to respect and honor the feelings of not only Anya, but others as well, and to be respectful and faithful in the commitments he makes in front of God and family.

    The thing that concerns me the most about her statements were the blatant lies about the ¡°break-in¡± report, threatening to contact her kids, and the calls and hang ups to her home. All three were acts of libel and defamation of character. The lack of evidence provided with these statements allows me to feel that way, coupled with the fact I didn¡¯t do any of them nor would I ever¡ªhaving too much to lose being a certified public accountant. This restraining order was about moving on with my life, by accepting a very hard truth and obtaining closure. The restraining order in itself is irrelevant to me simply because I don¡¯t ever plan on contacting her again so it would never get broken either way. My fear however is based on Anya¡¯s statements and her clear intended nature to not fully disclose the information she had in front of her, and the false accusations she made that defame my character therefore this order <u>should not</u> be granted. Her lack of honesty and her ¡°truth by omission¡± or ¡°only when asked¡± creed is why we are here today. She encouraged me to fall deeply in love with her without telling me the real reasons she was there, even after asking for them. This wasn¡¯t something we couldn¡¯t help¡ªI took <u>a lot</u> of precautions and even sought assurances before getting involved with her, due to her situation, that quite frankly, most guys simply wouldn¡¯t have done. I¡¯m afraid if this restraining order is granted to Anya, that it would only be reinforcing her bad behavior; that it¡¯s okay to continuing seeking ¡°love¡± outside her marriage. That if someone cares for her deeply and freely because of the manipulative manner in which she shows her ¡°love¡± and then begins to pressure her to do the right things and live an honest life, that it¡¯s okay for her to defame their character by filing police reports claiming they are ¡°harassing¡± and ¡°stalking¡± her because of feelings she allowed them to have, due to her lack of disclosure. By saying this, it doesn¡¯t mean I¡¯m excluding myself from the equation. Unfortunately, I have to learn to close my heart and not trust people as much as I have. All because Anya is married, doesn¡¯t mean I had no grounds to defend myself as the texts included in this response clearly show her allowing me to feel as deeply as I did.

    As far as her accusations made about my ¡°harassment¡±, I feel by ¡°loving¡± me the way she did, with the hidden intent to fill a void in her marriage without my knowledge, in itself, was a form of harassment to me. She had no right allowing herself to love a man without restraint then expect that same man to love her with restraint. She never had my consent to be in a relationship with her, in this situation, if she planned to stay with a philandering husband she led me to believe abused her to the point she no longer had any feelings left for him. She never had my consent to even talk to me if she ever viewed being with me also meant giving up her kids. It¡¯s as if she was a salesman who used the ¡°bait and switch¡± technique with me, and then accused me of harassment and stalking when I asked for my money back. The texts from Anya, I have included in this response, clearly show I had a ¡°legitimate¡± purpose to feel the way I did allowing me an emotional response. She led me to believe she was ¡°in love¡± with me, and as long as I don¡¯t threaten her with any physical harm or call her any names, I felt I had a right to communicate how I felt to her.

    As far as her accusations made about my ¡°stalking¡±, first, she¡¯s not someone I don¡¯t know, like an obsessed fan of a celebrity. I knew everything about Anya only because of all she told me (please refer to the texts I¡¯ve included). I felt everything for Anya because of all she ever told me. We shared a deep emotional and physical bond for two years. So much so we referred to each other as ¡°soul mates¡± and ¡°one¡±. It¡¯s also fair to point out Anya had a so-called ¡°stalker¡± before me. I didn¡¯t ¡°google¡± her to physically harm her. The truth is I ¡°googled¡± her because I still cared and because I needed to know some hard truths¡ªa form of therapy. Ask her why she made me feel so awful whenever I questioned her love if she could easily accuse me of harassment and stalking? I needed to know how to feel because I was holding on¡ªessentially the reason why I ¡°googled¡± her. I simply needed to know the truth; to know if she was authentic or not. I wouldn¡¯t have been able to take the necessary steps to move on if I had not ¡°googled¡± her. Again, I¡¯ve never called her names and I¡¯ve never threatened her with physical harm nor would I ever do such things. She has never been in credible harm from me, therefore what she is accusing me of is not stalking.

    As for as her accusations made about my being ¡°obsessed¡± I was only passionate about accepting the truth, protecting my character, and then obtaining closure. Anya Caiaphas is not the person I thought she was. It was a hard truth to accept but I have no choice but to. One may argue that this response is obsessive in nature, and yes, there are a lot of feelings here however I¡¯m more obsessed with the truth and protecting my character than anything, and not obsessed with someone who clearly doesn¡¯t respect me nor love me.

    It¡¯s also important to note, I sent Jackson Caiaphas her heart pendant back on September 11, 2011 and he may have received it on September 13, 2011. So, in case they try to say I sent that <u>after</u> I received the order, they would be lying. I have a perfect record and I would not do anything to disrespect this order. Also, Anya knows of a police official who lives in her neighborhood who possibly was the one who took the broken car piece as a ¡°break-in¡± report. I don¡¯t know how ¡°break-in¡± reports can be taken without proper evidence of a break-in and that really concerns me. This police official hopefully recognizes he/she is a ¡°public¡± servant and not the servant of Anya and Jackson Caiaphas.

    In conclusion, either way, granted or not, the restraining order is irrelevant to me because I would never disobey it, however I am concerned that based on Anya¡¯s claims, she may accuse me of things I did not do because I may be at the mall, or the bookstore, and she so happens to be there, sees me then falsely accuses me. The court has now been made aware of this behavior and will hopefully take her truth by omission behavior into serious consideration. In addition, sending her gifts back and sending her an email titled ¡°My Final Communication¡± and texts telling her I¡¯m not going to be contacting her in any way, shape or form again is showing her that I was moving on.

    In closing, I¡¯d like to say this so nothing is left misunderstood¡­

    This whole ordeal is about someone who pursues a life of honesty and truth versus someone who pursues a life of continued dishonesty and entitlement. Anya Caiaphas encouraged me to fall deeply in love with her without telling me the real reasons she was still married <u>after</u> I asked for them. All my actions before this point were done out of love and trusting in all the things she ever told me. Please see Exhibit I for all I put my trust in. I had to finally painfully accept that Anya Caiaphas was not in love with me but in love with the idea of being in love again and used me to fill a void in her marriage. I only say this because it was never a question of ¡°when¡± but a question of ¡°if¡±. Love always knows enough to promise. It may have been lust on Anya¡¯s part, but not love. I truly loved her. I truly cared for her. I put her own happiness above mine. I trusted she was ¡°in love¡± with me and I felt betrayed when she didn¡¯t go to bat for me after 2 years of going to bat for her against a husband who disrespected her heart and mind for over fifteen years.

    Anya is an exceptional mother to her kids. I hope they know that.

    Anya is not a bad person; however, I believe she is emotionally and mentally unwell in her marriage to Jackson, and she will never get better as long as she remains married to him.

    This is not a ¡°fatal attraction¡±. Anya never had to be with me. She never had to love me. I understand not everyone is going to love me, and that¡¯s a part of life. However, I felt she did have to treat me with a measure of respect and dignity, and not get upset when I would question her love. She absolutely owed me the truth over protection, and to not attack my character whenever I pursued the truth. When she chose to do that, it was all about obtaining closure, accepting the truth about her ¡°love¡± and then letting go. I feel that¡¯s possible now..

    I apologize to everyone, including this court, that it had to come down to this, but I hope it¡¯s a lesson that teaches everyone to always respect the heart, feelings and emotions of others in this life. I also hope it teaches everyone to always pursue a life that honors the truth rather than a life that honors a lie. I can only hope Anya will pass this down to her children one day so they never have to experience anything like this in their lives like we did.

    Thank you for your consideration.

    Landyn Lastman

    After finishing my response to the restraining order, I went to visit my mother, asking her if she would drop the package in the mail for me. After explaining to her it would be a violation of the restraining order if I mailed it myself, she agreed to do it, having to also mail a copy to Anya as well. Knowing Anya would receive a copy along with the court felt a bit satisfying--especially calling her out on the false police reports she filed. I then waited anxiously for the day of the hearing¡ªthe chance to tell my side of the story. Never doubting for a second the greatest justice system in the entire world would get to the truth, and punish those who tried to deceive it. My eyes never leaving the empty label torn prescription bottle rolling on my nightstand.

 CHAPTER 35 ~ AND JUSTICE FOR ALL

    ¡°You got me lookin¡¯ at that heaven in your eyes.

    I was chasin¡¯ your direction, I was tellin¡¯ you no lies,

    and I was loving you.

    When the words are said, baby, I lose my head.

    And in a world of people, there¡¯s only you and I.

    There ain¡¯t nothing come between us in the end.

    How can I hold you when you ain¡¯t even mine?

    Only you can see me through, I leave it up to you.¡±

    ~ ¡°Shadow Dancing¡± Andy Gibb

    It was a little over two years since our eyes last met when the day of the hearing arrived. The hope still burned inside this would force her to come clean. That the Anya I came to know and love would make an appearance upon seeing me again with it being much easier to hide true feelings behind letters and from others. Believing my defense and response to the restraining order was strong enough to not require an attorney. Putting my faith in the court to easily ascertain the truth. It was understandable why Anya chose this route, considering the pressure she likely felt from Jackson, but without there being any evidence of a threat to her physical safety, there¡¯s just no way this order had two legs to stand on. After reading several articles and instances in which restraining orders were granted, the severest being five years, there were real threats to cause personal harm. One guy wrote he was coming over his ex-girlfriend¡¯s house for one reason, to kill her. Another sent hundreds of texts to an ex-girlfriend threatening her life. Nothing I ever did came remotely close to that. There was no desire to harm her physically¡ªI couldn¡¯t hate her that much even if I tried. Once the court read my response about how her car accident affected me, the judge would understand the man seated before them was not who the plaintiffs made him out to be. It was all laid out in my response in no uncertain terms¡ªthis order was being pursued on false pretenses and without full disclosure. There was no joy in sending her texts with my response, but they offered the best defense against her claims. If the court had no proof this woman fantasized about wanting to have a baby with me, how could they understand my position? This wasn¡¯t an instance of a rabid fan stalking a celebrity¡ªlearning even celebs had a difficult time obtaining restraining orders although clearly having every right to fear for their safety. Every single instance of a person that filed for a restraining order, that I read, had very serious things communicated putting them in reasonable fear for their safety and in a state of emotional distress.

    Although the restraining order was mostly being obtained on false pretenses, there was an understanding it needed to be filed¡ªI did something that I wouldn¡¯t want someone to do to me. This was exactly what Jackson hoped I do¡ªgiving him more power over her. And although my real goal was to tear him apart in my response and protect Anya, it only ended up hurting her as well. The messages on the box and the act itself, although original, didn¡¯t make me feel whole again, only proving how distorted my thinking had become. The intent was to force myself to move on by imploding all the hope left for us. In the end, even after the false accusations she made, my heart broke for her. While people fought me with the ¡°If she loved you she would just leave¡± argument all the time, Anya really wasn¡¯t like the general public. There was a business, real estate, a campaign, and the cost of college for her kids she had to consider unlike most who could leave much easier. My problem was how she misrepresented her situation to me in the beginning¡ªtelling me she felt no one wanted to be with her because she had kids and that no one would be there for her if she left. At that time she really did feel something strong for me, but she just never believed in love enough for those feelings to be sustainable. She told me she believed in our love and its goodness then hit me with ¡°we mothers sacrifice our happiness for our children¡±. The only way she betrayed her children is if Jackson never dishonored her as their mother and his wife. Otherwise, I could never believe she did by intentionally misrepresenting her situation to me¡ªhis actions and the resulting damage he perpetrated on her was what betrayed her kids. There was no hope for her kids to find out about us from me¡ªthere was nothing to gain. My opiate usage only increased since the restraining order filing. After my mother began experiencing severe hip pain, her oncologist upped her monthly prescriptions for Vicodin and Norco, tripling her usual supply. With there now being more for the taking, my tolerance levels peaked at the worst possible time.

    Before stepping a single foot inside the courthouse on the day of the hearing, I swallowed three Vicodin to stymie the swelling raw emotions. Preparing to witness her conspiracy in person required sedation. If she was brazen enough to file false police reports she would certainly feel more emboldened with the swine by her side. A night earlier, my mother warned me to be respectful to the judge, fearing my emotions would put me in contempt. All I could do was laugh, believing there was no way the judge wouldn¡¯t see her deception. And if the judge ruled in favor of Anya by granting the order for a year or two, I¡¯d accept that¡ªI wouldn¡¯t want to hear from me either if I did what I did. Her gifts only sent back to Jackson to annihilate any remaining hope. The truth was Anya¡¯s capability of all around deception, even to herself, had already ended me. I understood the restraining order but conspiring with the police official in her neighborhood to file false police reports against me was an act of evil. You protect your children with the truth, not with lies. All I ever wanted was her honesty¡ªto know she was the person I let my guard down and trusted¡ªeven if she had to rip my heart out to tell me she still loved her husband and wanted to work things out with him. At least she allowed me to know how to feel. But if she was willing to lie to her kids, two people I knew she loved more than life itself, she¡¯d have no problem lying to me; the reason I now found myself walking inside a courthouse among the angry and broken. Anya definitely had a conscience, but her deception misguided it¡ªher creed being no one can be hurt by what they didn¡¯t know. In my parasitic mind, I needed to do something drastic to start the healing process. Without movement there was no energy, and in this life, the unenergetic are the ones who perished. And, when you¡¯re wasting away to nothing, there is nothing more to lose.

    Covertly, I killed myself everyday since Anya left me. After searching this earth for over thirty-five years before meeting anyone even remotely close to her, Anya taught me why I held out for so long¡ªwhy all my prior relationships failed so badly. She taught me the kind of women I¡¯m capable of loving and feeling deeply for¡ªwhat gave all marriages the best chance of survival. For those so afraid of ending up alone, they never truly know how love is supposed to feel¡ªthe reason why fifty percent of them end up in divorce. She was the woman who made me realize what love is supposed to feel like, and if I wasn¡¯t picky before, I was beyond picky now¡ªmaking this love worth fighting for; representing the end of the line for me.

    After receiving a pat down upon entry, I found an isolated seat outside my assigned courtroom. As the drug kicked in, calmness washed over me while gazing out among the many other couples standing and sitting nearby. There didn''t seem to be a chance for a quick and speedy trial--we¡¯d likely be here for most of the day. At fifteen minutes before the courtroom doors were set to open, Anya and Jackson strode hastily by me, hand in hand¡ªan intentional move to spike my emotions. She walked with no indication of a car accident, showing off her skillful deception in real time. She seemed to fight the temptation to sneak a glance at me¡ªor perhaps a sneer. Jackson snarled at me though, like a rabid dog, muttering something indecipherable under his breath, the kind of reaction reserved for murderers. Telling myself he wanted a reaction; I forged a smile instead knowing the truth will reveal itself in court¡ªhe stood no chance. Seeing her hand in his disturbed the peace three Vicodin pills created within, but he wanted a reaction to make this an open and shut case. Jackson undoubtedly had a busy schedule on this day and wanted to get back to it as quickly as possible. If I reacted, he would be able to retreat into his money and there was no way I was going to allow that. This was the day he would learn the truth¡ªwin, lose or draw.

    As we waited for the courtroom doors to open, it was easy to see how the court system profited on the emotional pain of others¡ªlike one big corporation. If any of these cases were like mine, these people could resolve their differences without the court¡¯s involvement, but the state had money to make. How else would the judges, state prosecutors and its attorneys, even its bailiffs remain gainfully employed? Did I put too much faith in justice?

    As the courtroom¡¯s large cherry wood doors opened and people began filing inside, it appeared sitting so far from everyone else before entering would leave me standing throughout the morning. My plan was to be the last one to enter, creating distance between myself and Anya. But the philanderer sniffed out my plan, holding the door open for people until the last person to walk through them was me.

    Jackson Caiaphas stood there holding the door, a picture of success in his suit and tie, looking to end this before a hearing took place. With an old collared light blue short sleeved shirt tucked into a pair of black slacks, I internally vowed to make my way inside without incident--to not give him what he wanted.

    ¡°Hey, you fuck.¡± he said, his colorless eyes peering down upon me.

    I knew what he wanted, but I waited too long for this moment.

    ¡°Happy belated birthday.¡± I remarked with a smirk, my own attempt to provoke him.

    ¡°You¡¯re goin¡¯ down today.¡± He responded nodding, his black eyes narrowing. ¡°You sick fuck.¡±

    Jackson was clearly running this circus act and he came to the Lamoreaux Justice Center Superior Courthouse on this day to put on a show. The more he attempted to provoke me, the more it seemed my ¡°gift¡± hurt Anya more than it had hurt my true intended target. At a time I needed to be my most vigilant, a life defining hour, the Vicodin left me suddenly too sedated to care.

    Taking a seat on the other side of the courtroom from Anya, Jackson opted to stay outside for probably good reason. I glanced over at Anya a few times, her beauty noticeably still intact, but her head never turned until a person took the empty seat next to her¡ªa blonde female, who appeared to be Debbie. Did they convince Debbie to conspire against me too? After a few seconds passed, my eyes became better focused¡ªthis woman was not Debbie but her attorney. After we all stood for the judge upon her entry, the Honorable Judicial Officer Beatrice Cordon, it wasn¡¯t soon after that she jumped into hearing cases. While hearing the struggles of others in serious relationships that had fallen apart violently at the seams, I couldn¡¯t believe Anya and I were among them. With each person that came before the judge, remorse swelled inside me, not because of the restraining order, but how my actions gave Jackson power, allowing him to wait comfortably outside the courtroom while leaving Anya to be judged. My heart wanted to believe her love for me would see this and shine through, that this couldn''t have been her idea, but Jackson¡¯s. That the Anya I knew and loved would appear before the court to tell the truth behind all we stood for¡ªwhy the man who truly loved and valued her ended up at his wit¡¯s end. But why did she give him any power over her after all he¡¯s done? Would she be in this courtroom today if he respected her enough to never cheat on her? If he never chipped her heart away? Why did she come visit me so many times? Tell me the horrible things she did about him only to find herself under his complete and total command? Living a completely dishonest life, based on the greatest lie ever lived, just didn¡¯t make sense. You protect the kids with the truth, not with more lies.

    By the time the clock hand reached eleven, a total of five cases were heard. With each one, the judge listened intently to each party and was very fair to both in the end. This one man and woman had a physical altercation and the guy took the blame for everything yet Judicial Officer Cordon was empathetic to his side, sensing how much pain this situation caused him. Compassion was clearly the hallmark of this judge, showing me if I presented my side of things in a respectful fashion, she would at least listen and judge me fairly. Jackson Caiphas was listed as a protected party on the restraining order request, along with Katie and Andrew. Why was he listed on it at all? I had more of a reason to be a protected party on it than he did considering his provocative actions before entering the courtroom. Weren¡¯t restraining orders mainly for the protection of women? It also bothered me that both Katie and Andrew were listed on the order because I never threatened to contact them nor had I ever attempted to. How could sending the gifts Anya gave me over the course of our relationship to her husband be considered an act of physical violence worthy of a stay away order? I could understand a no contact order, but this was the first time in over two years we were physically near each other after a very emotional physical relationship; a remarkable feat. This just didn¡¯t add up. If I knew this was the end game, I would''ve delivered Jackson¡¯s gift personally and saved myself the one hundred twenty-dollars UPS charged me. My actions warranted a no contact order at best, but not a stay away order.

    At a quarter until noon, we still had not been called up to have our case heard and my Vicodin high was wearing off. Knowing this would likely go past lunch and needing another pill to stymie the irritability I began feeling, I left the courtroom to use the restroom¡ªhoping to time my lunch in line with a Vicodin high. Upon exiting the courtroom with my mind fixated on a fix, Jackson suddenly appeared before me.

    "Don''t you fuckin'' hit me." He told me as I walked by him, in a feminine childish tone.

    It really begged the question, if he believed he had a strong case against me, why did he need to resort to this tactic? Was this how members of Congress usually acted? With every choice word he uttered, it not only proved his cowardice, but also provided proof that Anya had chosen a douchebag as a life partner. If Anya approved of any of this, she deserved him and her heart to be chipped forever away. This guy was actually a father? This man was the better and rational choice for Anya in the eyes of her friends? It was bad enough to learn that Jackson was even worse of a human being than I ever believed he was, but knowing that Anya married him and defended him was even worse. That she went along with this after all the times he cheated on her. After throwing down one of the two pills in my pocket in the restroom, I continued to ignore his verbal attacks on my way back inside, much to his dismay. There¡¯s just no way, if Anya knew what Jackson was trying to pull outside, would she allow him to continue this unhinged behavior¡ªturning against him if she knew he tried to provoke me. The Anya I knew would be disgusted.

    When the clock struck noon, Judicial Officer Cordon told the remaining parties we would resume at one thirty. Wanting to be the last one out to avoid any further confrontations with Jackson, upon my exit I saw Anya and her attorney meeting with him. His arms began flailing about with impatience while speaking with them, his face noticeably flush red, bringing me back to the time he craned his entire body outside of his car''s driver side window while he waited in traffic. In just the short time witnessing his quirks and demanding impatient nature, I saw how Anya was drawn to me¡ªcertainly these traits got old after his infidelities. A man of complete intolerance, Jackson soon stammered away like a spoiled brat from both Anya and her attorney, and completely from out of view.

    Before I could flee the scene to find a place to have lunch, a stocky salt and peppered hair man in a blue suit approached me.

    ¡°Are you Landyn¡­Lastman?¡± He asked, reading from a piece of paper on a clipboard.

    ¡°I am.¡±

    ¡°Is your attorney here?¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t have one.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re representing yourself?"

    ¡°That¡¯s correct.¡±

    ¡°Your case is going to be heard in this courtroom in ten minutes.¡± He instructed, pointing his finger at its closed doors.

    ¡°Okay. Thank you.¡± I reluctantly agreed, nodding.

    With my hopes of seeking lunch before my hearing dashed, I went to the restroom again to take the remaining pill in my pocket. After doing so, I found a secluded corner to make a quick phone call.

    ¡°Hello?¡±

    ¡°Hey, Mom.¡±

    ¡°Well¡­how¡¯d it go?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m going in to see the judge in ten minutes.¡± I informed her. ¡°They moved my hearing to another courtroom.¡±

    ¡°How do you feel?¡±

    ¡°I feel pretty good.¡± I replied positively yet with uncertainty. ¡°Although I must say her husband is doing everything in his power to provoke me.¡±

    ¡°Don¡¯t let him¡ªhe¡¯s trying to make the judge¡¯s decision an easy one.¡±

    ¡°I know what he¡¯s up to.¡± I reassured her.

    ¡°And remember don¡¯t say anything nasty to the judge¡± she warned me. ¡°They could hold you in contempt of court.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m emotional but in control.¡± I told her as the sedative effect of the last pill began taking my mind elsewhere.

    Keeping my eye on my assigned courtroom, I noticed Jackson talking to a gentleman in a black suit with sunglasses on right outside its doors. I then watched Anya and her attorney walk inside leaving Jackson to his conversation. As I followed Anya''s lead, Jackson didn''t even acknowledge my presence when I appeared in his view.

    ¡°I gotta go.¡± I whispered. ¡°Just wanted to give you an update.¡±

    ¡°Ok, good luck, Landy. Love you.¡±

    ¡°Love you too.¡± I quickly replied before shutting off my cell phone and walking into my hearing.

    Upon entry, the wide and bare headed bailiff instructed me to a seat right in front of the judge¡¯s bench. The courtroom was completely empty¡ªnot a troubled soul in sight; our case apparently the only one being heard inside this courtroom to provide privacy¡ªsomething I wasn¡¯t opposed to. It also seemed, likely based on my response to the restraining order, our case may last a little longer--recognized by the court as being different from the others heard earlier. After witnessing Judicial Officer Cordon hand down verdicts with equity and compassion, even ruling in favor of a man who physically beat up his girlfriend, it seemed I was being extended the same courtesy. If the Judge did read my response to the order, there could be no denying me a fair hearing. Anya, or Jackson, or both in essence, attempted to obtain the restraining order on false pretenses¡ªmy response to the restraining order pointing it out in detail. There really was no fear in losing, and if I lost, if it made things right for Anya, in the sense of what I did was wrong in some way, I could live with that. It was hard to learn on this day this is where I stood with her¡ªin her eyes, a monster; no longer the man she couldn''t keep them off of. That our love in the end meant nothing to her because she was duped into believing she betrayed her kids. I never expected her to choose the happiness of her children over us or me¡ªI just trusted her to never allow me to feel a single thing if that was ever a concern--and it had to be from day one. I trusted her to know when she said ¡°I love you¡±, what those words meant. If the judge granted her the restraining order for a year or two, if it righted a possible wrong done by me, I''d accept the verdict. The horrendous lies within her statements was the reason why my pushback was necessary. If her goal was to protect her husband and make me out to be the monster after all we shared and felt, after all I lost, then it was war. If I never fought back, blindly choosing nobility, the lies would forever be believed.

    ¡°Please rise for the Honorable Missus Terri Shamm.¡± Announced the bailiff as the thin dark-haired judge entered the room.

    The black robed and pale skinned Judicial Officer Shamm, her short hair hanging just above her neck, appeared to be of Vietnamese descent. She strode to her place behind the bench with a sense of purpose and appeared both frail and frigid, a complete antithesis to Judicial Officer Cordon. Trying not to read too much into her looks, it wasn¡¯t fair to do, she seemed to be a no-nonsense judge, possibly a maneater. But even with a male judge, it could go either way.

    After sitting down, she nodded at the older but muscular Bailiff, prompting him to ask for Anya and I to stand and raise our right hands.

    ¡°Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?¡±

    ¡°I do.¡± I stated firmly.

    ¡°I do.¡± Replied Anya, meekly.

    ¡°Please be seated.¡± the bailiff finished.

    ¡°This is case four-nine-two-five-LLV-two-seven¡ªAnya Caiphas versus Landyn Lastman.¡± Stated Judicial Officer Shamm. ¡°Are there attorneys present for both parties?¡±

    Thankfully, Anya¡¯s attorney rose first.

    ¡°Your honor, I am representing the petitioner today.¡± She announced. ¡°The defendant does not have legal representation.¡±

    ¡°You are representing yourself, Mister Lastman?¡±

    ¡°That is correct, your Honor.¡± I replied, impressed with Anya¡¯s attorney and actually grateful for stating that on my behalf.

    ¡°And your name is?¡±

    ¡°Claudine Courtney.¡± she told the Judge. ¡°May I approach the bench?¡±

    ¡°Certainly.¡±

    Claudine then handed Judicial Officer Shamm her business card then walked back to stand next to Anya. Although being in a courtroom, let alone as a defendant was entirely foreign, it seemed strange for an attorney to hand the judge their business card. Then again, maybe this was just basic operating procedure when an attorney represents a client in front of a particular judge for the first time.Unauthorized usage: this narrative is on Amazon without the author''s consent. Report any sightings.

    ¡°Thank you, Miss Courtney.¡± she acknowledged with a nod. ¡°Are you prepared to make an opening statement?¡±

    ¡°Yes, your Honor.¡±

    Before Claudine spoke, her professionalism and presence immediately stood out¡ªshe couldn¡¯t have been a cheap attorney. She also seemed like a decent person, not your stereotypical attorney who is out for the money, leaving me to wonder if she was one of Anya¡¯s friends. Perhaps one of her neighbors? She reminded me so much of Debbie that it seemed like someone Anya would befriend. Before she spoke, I turned around to see if Jackson made his way inside the courtroom, but he still remained outside incognito--finding it curious he was listed on the order but having no apparent plans to testify against me. Why wouldn¡¯t he want to corroborate Anya''s story? After all, I sent the package directly to him, not to Anya. How could he be listed on the restraining order without having to testify? Then again, wouldn¡¯t her kids have to testify as well? His absence from the courtroom was glaring to me, leaving her out here to be solely judged, while escaping the judgments he deserved more than anyone. As everything caught me off guard, the Vicodin began to hit, subduing the fight needed to properly defend myself.

    ¡°Your Honor, Missus Caiaphas is here today and is requesting a restraining order against Mister Lastman because he has been harassing her for four years now.¡± Stated Claudine. ¡°She has told him several times to not contact her yet he continues to do so. My client is emotionally distressed and just wants to be left alone.¡±

    ¡°Thank you, Miss Courtney.¡± She responded. ¡°Mister Lastman¡­your opening statement, please.¡±

    ¡°Thank you, your Honor.¡± I answered, rising from my seat. ¡°Missus Caiaphas and I were in a serious relationship for two years and my contact with her was limited and not harassment in any way, shape or form¡ªit served a legitimate purpose. What has been communicated to the court is essentially not true¡ªfor example, this hasn¡¯t been goin¡¯ on for four years.¡±

    ¡°Thank you, Mister Lastman.¡± She replied, very respectfully. ¡°Missus Caiaphas, can you please describe the nature of Mister Lastman¡¯s harassment?¡±

    Upon hearing Judicial Officer Shamm¡¯s phrasing of her question, suggesting I did harass Anya, it made me wonder if she read my response to the restraining order¡ªseemingly already guilty in her eyes.

    ¡°He won¡¯t leave me alone.¡± Anya exclaimed.

    It was the first time I¡¯ve heard her real voice in over two years, and remembering how much her voice used to resonate within me made this suddenly tougher. My ears had a love for her voice, always did, and always would. But the words that came from her mouth, reminded me this was not the same voice of the woman I learned to love.

    ¡°I¡¯ve asked him many, many times to stop contacting me but he continues to do so.¡± She continued. ¡°He is scary and creepy and is out to hurt my kids and ruin my life.¡±

    ¡°What kind of things has he done?¡± Asked the presiding judicial officer, leaning forward and now taking notes.

    ¡°He wrote me letters, sent me emails, CD¡¯s, DVD¡¯s. a dirty towel, books, an old broken alarm clock, and even a bra. I don¡¯t know why he sent me all these things and I don¡¯t know where they came from.¡± She lied. ¡°He sent a box full of these items to my house disguised as a gift. He wrote vulgar notes on the box threatening to harm my husband and he even sprayed the inside of the box with mens¡¯ cologne. We also receive constant calls from him all the time then he hangs up whenever we answer. We also had our car broken into that same weekend.¡±

    ¡°Did you file a police report?¡±

    ¡°Yes.¡±

    ¡°Was Mister Lastman arrested?¡±

    ¡°No, he wasn¡¯t¡­they just took my complaint down.¡±

    ¡°Did he do anything else?¡± Asked the judge, jotting down notes more intensely.

    ¡°He¡¯s not right and really screwed up psychologically. I fear for my life.¡± Anya stated, her voice shaking. ¡°He threatened to kidnap my children.¡±

    Leaning back in my chair with my arms folding across my chest, this lie blew me away¡ªmy renumeration for believing in love in real time. They say hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and I''d argue that''s the greatest understatement ever made. To hear this come from the mouth of the woman I loved more than I could ever love myself. A woman who told me she needed me like she needed air. A woman who urged me to fight for her. A woman who fantasized about having a child with me. A woman who told me she wanted to wear my ring. That she wished, hoped and dreamt for us. And all along, it came with a huge undisclosed disclaimer--as long as I remained a secret. She was angry because I forced her out from the shadows, her safe space she used to hide her deceit from me after questioning her love. Now, I brought her out into the open to learn the truth--her love was completely conditional. After all I tried to do and lost doing for her that was never my job to do, she believed it best to defame and slander me. The need to yell ¡°objection¡± or, ¡°liar¡± caused a rift within, but I fought back the reaction knowing I¡¯d have my turn to defend myself. For her to tell such a horrific lie, bearing false witness without hesitation, even justifying it as an act to protect her children, just couldn¡¯t have been more wrong. She demanded my nobility while participating in the most classless of acts. If she could lie this easily, in a court of law, willingly perjuring herself, it left me wondering how many other lies she told me during our relationship. All I could do was shake my head, hoping she saw me do so--there couldn''t have been a greater fool on earth than me.

    ¡°After the package was sent, I saw him outside my home.¡± She told the court, continuing her defamation of my character. ¡°When I realized it was him, I picked up my dog and ran inside the house.¡±

    After this lie, the urge to react forced me to place my hand over my ears and stare down at the blank yellow paper legal pad in front of me. After she told the judge I threatened to kidnap her children, two kids I rooted for from afar because of all she shared with me about their lives, it hit me. I would never trust another woman, let alone love another enough to ever have kids of my own. If there was a bridge nearby, I would have leapt off it without a second thought upon realizing this sudden epiphany. Not because what she said was true, but after it took six years to find myself after Denise left me, her words confirmed there was nothing left to salvage of all I ever hoped for. And it was true¡ªJackson likely put her up to this and that¡¯s why the coward stayed outside. But, the fact she went through with it told me she never had plans of being honest with anyone. That she never believed she was in control of her destiny, yet, she took my heart anyway. Now here I was on trial as her ¡°abuser¡± while her true abuser hid outside like the rat he was. Anya¡¯s entire life was a lie, so how could I have ever expected anything different from her? Hope truly was the postponement of disappointment.

    ¡°Did your children witness you receiving the package or opening it¡±? The Judicial Officer asked Anya.

    ¡°Yes, they did.¡± She replied, sniffling.

    If what she was true, it¡¯s not what I intended, horrifying me especially after including her bra. Undoubtedly knowing who I am now, it¡¯s not the introduction to them I envisioned. Excluding that likely scenario, after Anya finished her fifteen-minute testimony of defamation, bringing to light why she had such a meek response while raising her right hand, Judicial Officer Shamm turned her attention to me.

    ¡°Do you have any questions for the petitioner?¡± she asked.

    ¡°I can ask her questions, your Honor?¡± I replied, surprised to have the opportunity to do so because of her no contact order request.

    ¡°Yes.¡± she stated, strongly. ¡°Do you have any questions for her?¡±

    It took me a few seconds to respond, trying to reconcile Anya¡¯s demonstrative malice and the sedation from the five Vicodin I took.

    ¡°I do.¡± I said, frantically searching through my binder and pulling out the handwritten letter she wrote and mailed to me after she found Katie¡¯s essay on her computer.

    Gathering myself before speaking after her lies left me visibly unsettled and anxious, I stood to face her. For the first time in two years we stood in the same place as each other, yet as far away as the Oort cloud. All those intimate times we shared together, in my apartment, at Cascade Park, on our beach, in Laguna Beach, San Diego and San Francisco had brought us here. A place we should never have found ourselves¡ªsurrounded by those who wanted to destroy us forever. There was the part of me that understood her anger¡ªthat I put her in this position with my actions. That she was defending herself as much as I was. But, I came armed with the truth, while lies stole her from a shred of decency. There was nothing I conjured up on the fly here. There were no lies spewing from me to destroy a life she maimed by staying married to an unfaithful disrespectful husband. Upon seeing her, the turmoil within ceased, I guess she still had that effect on me, blurring if my use of a sedative or the empath she inspired within now hoped to take it easy on her regardless of the vicious lies. My hand shook nervously upon seeing her face for the first time in two years¡ªit was much easier to say things through text and letters than having her in my eyes that fed into my heart. Talking to her face to face for the first time in over twenty-four months, I placed before her the last page of the letter where she wrote the words.

    I love you forever,

    Anya

    ¡°Can you read that aloud, please.¡± I asked her, pointing to the words.

    ¡°I love you forever.¡± she complied, her eyes turning away from mine and on Judicial Officer Shamm as they were said.

    ¡°Thank you. Did you write that to me?¡± I pressed. ¡°Is that your writing?¡±

    ¡°Yeah.¡± she answered dismissively. ¡°Like three years ago.¡±

    ¡°Four years ago.¡± Interjected Anya¡¯s attorney.

    "I had no idea the word "forever" was time sensitive." I remarked.

    "Mister Lastman, you''re allowed to ask the witness questions--you''re not allowed to badger the witness." shot the Judge, the stenographer picking up her pace next to her. "You''ve been warned."

    "I''m sorry, your Honor." I replied, holding back the urge to ask how pointing out the word "forever" wasn''t time sensitive was considered badgering.

    ¡°Anya, when did I ever threaten to kidnap your kids?¡± I then asked.

    ¡°In October of two thousand and seven.¡± She replied, again unable to look at me, her eyes moving from side to side.

    ¡°If that is true, how come you didn¡¯t put that in your statements when you filed the restraining order?¡± I pondered. ¡°Wouldn¡¯t a serious thing like kidnapping your children be the first thing you¡¯d include in your statements?¡±

    ¡°Objection, your Honor--irrelevant. My client was sticking to the time period the harassments took place and Mister Lastman¡¯s threat to kidnap the kids happened a year prior to the restraining order.¡± snapped Anya¡¯s attorney. ¡°In this stack of letters, we brought to the courtroom today, all written and sent by Mister Lastman to my client, we would like to submit this particular one to the court with your permission, your Honor.¡±

    ¡°Sustained. I¡¯ll allow it.¡± She granted, motioning the bailiff to take the document from Claudine then hand it to her.

    The court remained quiet as Judicial Officer Shamm¡¯s eyes scanned the piece of paper, a letter whose content I had no knowledge of. After my two questions appeared to be easily rebutted, I began breaking inside¡ªsomething seemed off here.

    ¡°Your Honor, shouldn¡¯t I have knowledge of all the petitioner¡¯s evidence submitted before the court so I can prepare a response?¡± I inquired, the stenographer capturing my every word.

    She again motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the document from her.

    ¡°Please give this to Mister Lastman so he may review it.¡± she instructed.

    The bailiff furrowed his brows, seemingly with skepticism, before handing it to me. My eyes then scanned words I hadn¡¯t seen in over three years.

    ¡°I couldn¡¯t sleep last night. Just kept thinking about all you know. Here¡¯s all I know.¡±

    ¡°I want to be with you. I want to wake up with you in my arms every morning. I want to see you every day. I want you to be happy again.¡±

    ¡°I want to tell you ¡°I love you forever¡± every day. I want to take you out to dinner. I want to hold your hand in public.¡±

    ¡°I want to find traces of u every day. I want to watch a sunset and sunrise with you anywhere.¡±

    ¡°I want to go to the movies with you. I want to watch movies with you. I want to go on vacations with you.¡±

    ¡°I want to see ur smile and hear ur laugh every day. I want to be able to touch you emotionally and physically every day.¡±

    ¡°I want to go dancing with you. I want to go to the gym with you. I want to take showers with you. I want to have tea with you anytime.¡±

    ¡°I want to be on top of the Empire State Building with you. I want to see France with you. I want to go to Tahiti with you. I want to drive up along the coast on the 101 with you. I just want to be with you anywhere.¡±

    ¡°I want to make love to you every day. I want to read a paper with you in the morning. I want to kiss you every day. I want to go to ¡°our beach¡± when we want to. I want to see you in my favorite blouse.¡±

    ¡°I want to share every beautiful moment with you. I want to see ur size 6 shoes next to mine. I want to share a bathroom countertop with you. I want to kiss you goodbye knowing when I will see you again.¡±

    ¡°I want to see you in the moonlight. I want to cook with you. I want to eat ur cooking. I want u to come ¡°home¡± to me every night. I want u to never have to delete another text from me.¡±

    ¡°I want to marry you. I want to be your husband. I want to show you this will be a better experience this time. I want to show you what love really is.

    Just wanted you to know all I know.¡±

    After ¡°reviewing¡± my heart''s work, one that broke me even further, I handed it back to the bailiff who then returned it to Judicial Officer Shamm. While waiting for her to speak, it felt as if Anya had a second attorney representing her.

    ¡°Did you write that to Missus Caiphas?¡± she asked.

    ¡°I did¡ªa little over three years ago.¡± I responded, nodding.

    ¡°I read the entire response to your restraining order.¡± declared Judicial Officer Shamm before bringing the document up in a digital format on a computer screen, turning it in my direction then scrolling rapidly down. ¡°It¡¯s quite voluminous.¡±

    ¡°Thank you.¡± I responded, gratefully knowing she had read it. Now, there could be no way Anya¡¯s lies could fall under the radar granting her a restraining order on false pretenses.

    ¡°I have one question for you, Mister Lastman.¡± She announced with conviction in her voice while removing her glasses and leaning over to face me. ¡°It requires only a yes or no response.¡±

    ¡°Sure.¡± I answered, nodding.

    ¡°Did Missus Caiaphas ever ask you to not contact her?¡±

    ¡°Yes, she has asked me not to contact her.¡± I responded, truthfully.

    ¡°And you contacted her anyway?¡± She retorted, shaking her head.

    ¡°I only contacted her in self-defense, your Honor.¡±

    ¡°In self-defense?¡±

    ¡°Yes, my contact was in response to her sending me something in the mail and again when she threatened me with the restraining order.¡± I explained, trying to fight off the sedative¡¯s sudden death, making me irritable. ¡°I felt the need to respond to get some answers and defend my position.¡±

    ¡°Mister Lastman, do you understand what you¡¯ve done is considered by law to be an act of violence against Missus Caiaphas?¡±

    ¡°An act of violence?¡± I repeated, stunned by her revelation. ¡°By defending myself verbally? I don¡¯t understand how that can be considered an act of violence when I never cursed at her nor threatened her with bodily harm--she has no grounds to fear for her safety. Shouldn¡¯t we examine my texts to her in full context to determine their intended nature? I can assure you violence was not the goal. If anything, moving on was--as stated in my response. I even told her that I would no longer contact her because there was no further need.¡±

    ¡°The content of the texts does not matter.¡± she cut me off. ¡°She asked you not to contact her, and you contacted her.¡±

    ¡°Your Honor, I was in a very serious relationship with her for two years. So serious my life was at stake.¡± I broke, feeling uneasy within, my palms suddenly moist. ¡°Not for two days, or two weeks, or even two months, but for two years. We talked about marriage. Having a baby. She even told me she wanted to wear my ring. She even encouraged me to fight for her. I should at the very least have a first amendment right to a reasonable emotional response.¡±

    ¡°Your Honor, we would also like to present this to you.¡± Interrupted Claudine Courtney, picking up a white envelope then showing Judge Shamm. ¡°It¡¯s something the defendant sent to my client after the restraining order was filed.¡±

    ¡°Can you tell the court, Missus. Caiaphas, what was in the envelope he sent you?¡±

    ¡°A heart pendant.¡± Announced Anya, her voice sounding robotic.

    At this point, the justice system I believed in to get to the truth began taking on a different identity all its own that threatened to turn violently against me--by design.

    ¡°Mister Lastman, did you send her a heart pendant?" Probed Judge Shamm ¡°After she told you she was filing a restraining order and asked you not to contact her?¡±

    ¡°Your Honor, Anya actually sent me the heart pendant, but I returned it to her husband because she wrote me a nasty letter after I asked about its meaning.¡± I elaborated, the sweat from my palms now on the table before me. ¡°I¡¯m not sure if he actually received it or if Anya intercepted it.¡±

    ¡°I can¡¯t believe anything you¡¯re telling me.¡± She stated, shaking her head before putting her glasses back on.

    ¡°I¡¯m telling you nothing but the truth, your honor. Is her right hand more trustworthy than mine?¡±

    ¡°Did you mail all those items to her home?¡±

    ¡°Yes, your Honor.¡± I admitted, nodding. ¡°I did.¡±

    ¡°That is also considered an act of violence, Mister Lastman!" she yelled, her fist pounding the table. "That''s mail fraud!"

    ¡°How so, your Honor?¡± I asked. ¡°Her husband got into my Facebook and stalked me for two years¡ªmy actions served a legitimate purpose. I never threatened to physically harm anyone¡ªit was all done in self-defense.¡±

    ¡°Do you have evidence of him being in your Facebook account?¡± Inquired Judge Sham. ¡°Did you file a police report?¡±

    ¡°Um¡­well¡­no.¡± I stumbled. ¡°Anya told me he saw what was written on my Facebook account and confronted her about our relationship. All because I didn¡¯t file a police report doesn¡¯t mean he didn¡¯t do it.¡±

    ¡°Mister Lastman, you have only confirmed every single thing this court has asked you.¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s because unlike the petitioner, I¡¯m being honest with the court.¡± I snapped, looking over at Anya whose eyes were on the floor while Claudine¡¯s bore into mine. ¡°Why are you allowing her to lie in your courtroom? Do you know her?¡±

    Judicial Officer Shamm¡¯s eyes filled with what could only be best described as sheer terror upon what I insinuated¡ªeven surprising me.

    ¡°Uh¡­no.¡± She replied with a noticeable trepidation in her voice.

    ¡°I don¡¯t know how responding to a text, the petitioner sent after sending a heart pendant to me then threatening me with a restraining order can be considered an act of violence.¡± I stated, watching the stenographer at work and upon realizing Judicial Officer Shamm never read my response to the restraining order at all. ¡°Your Honor, why aren¡¯t you considering any of the untruthful and misleading statements made by the petitioner that I clearly addressed in my response to the court?¡±

    ¡°Mister Lastman! The violence doesn¡¯t have to be physical to be considered a violent act!¡± She yelled. ¡°If you ever insinuate again that this is a dishonest courtroom, I will hold you in contempt! Am I clear? Do you understand, Mister Lastman?¡±

    At this very moment, I knew there would be no justice in this courtroom today. Learning that the state of California wasn¡¯t beholden to the United States Constitution and its bill of rights, notably the first amendment, left me defenseless. Although I was fine with a loss, I never expected it to go this way, that lies were easily protected and the truth didn¡¯t seem to matter, even as a defense. When I compared both Judicial Officer Shamm and Judicial Officer Cordon¡¯s application of the law on this day, it revealed why this was all done in a private setting. If Jackson couldn¡¯t provoke me, the court would do his dirty work for him. This was all a set-up to put me behind bars¡ªto wreck my life and they were all in on it. When I remembered my mother¡¯s words about being held in contempt, knowing how much it would destroy her for me to sit in a prison cell, maybe not being able to say good-bye to her if she passed, I shut my mouth, taking the weight of the cross upon my lost and broken soul.

    ¡°Actually Mister Lastman, with your testimony I have enough to have you arrested and put in jail right now! Do you understand the seriousness of your violent crimes?¡±

    I nodded at her, not with fear for myself, but fear for my mother.

    ¡°Look at these letters. I see ten of them here; all nothing more than a voluminous collection of nonsensical ramblings!¡± Roared Judicial Officer Shamm, even prompting the stenographer to shake her head at me. ¡°Then there¡¯s these ¡®All I Know¡¯ texts you sent that can only be defined as the anthem of a stalker. These texts alone are not only considered an act of violence, but also a criminal act! You are completely psychotic! Do you understand the victim wants nothing to do with you? Do you understand the victim does not love you? That she doesn¡¯t want to hear from you ever again? I¡¯ve had jury trials for murderers and read their guilty verdicts as they sat in the same exact seat you¡¯re sitting in today, but never, never have I in all my years behind the bench, have I sentenced a convicted murderer whose mind was as out of touch with reality as yours!¡±

    I knew if I defended myself, I¡¯d be thrown in jail without a doubt¡ªthere was something terribly wrong about all of this. I¡¯d then lose the only thing I had left, my CPA license, even though that was pretty much worthless anyway. The sad thing was, Judicial Officer Shamm wasn¡¯t completely wrong¡ªfor a man like myself, to believe in love, was truly psychotic. I really didn¡¯t fit into society. By letting Anya into my heart, to care about her happiness more than my own, was not the act of a decent human being but the act of an insane one. Any person in today¡¯s day and age who was willing not only to risk it all but lose it all, was a psycho. A person better suited for a straitjacket than love. All those words I ever wrote and spoke to Anya, every letter, every text, even every feeling that never found its way outside my head to be formed into words, were all things I never had a right to feel because Anya was married with children. That all those feelings and emotions for Anya, truly experienced for the first time in my life, even encouraged and allowed by her, were never really supposed to be felt at all. And if I couldn¡¯t feel them for her, they would never be worthy of being felt for anyone else. Judicial Officer Shamm¡¯s unfeeling words were just the echoes of our society. Not only did this day bring the death of the justice system I always believed was fair, but also the death of love in my heart forever.

    ¡°Now I don¡¯t condone what she did to her poor husband, but I should really have you arrested for what you¡¯ve done, Mister Lastman; the violence you have perpetrated upon this poor woman. A mother no less. Her husband and kids--her entire family.¡± She expounded with fire in her eyes, continuing her assassination of my belief in love. ¡°Missus Caiaphas, did your kids witness the contents of Mister Lastman¡¯s package when it was opened?¡±

    ¡°Yes, they did. They were both there.¡± She replied.

    When Anya confirmed Katie and Andrew had seen the gifts, seemingly learning their mother had been in a relationship with another man other than their father, it killed me inside. When I thought of them seeing her bra, it made me cringe wishing I could¡¯ve held myself back from adding it to the box. Although I hoped it would infiltrate the Caiaphas compound, I just never believed it would be seen by them. Unfortunately, that hurt Anya as much as it hurt Jackson.

    ¡°Mister Lastman, you are hereby ordered to not contact, directly or indirectly, and to stay away from Missus Caiaphas, her husband, Jackson, their son, Andrew and their daughter, Katie for the next five years. If you break this order, you will go to jail. Do you understand, Mister Lastman?¡±

    ¡°I understand.¡± I replied, while in complete disbelief it was for a five-year time period¡ªthe most severe.

    ¡°Your Honor, we would also like the court to also not allow the defendant to contact two of her friends by adding both to the protective order.¡± Interrupted Anya¡¯s attorney. ¡°He has been harassing them.¡±

    ¡°That I will not grant.¡±

    ¡°Okay, your Honor.¡± Claudine quickly complied.

    ¡°Once again, this is a five-year restraining order that begins today, October twenty second, two thousand and eleven, and will expire at twelve a.m. on October twenty third, two thousand and sixteen. Mister Lastman, you are not allowed to leave this courtroom for thirty minutes after Missus Caiaphas leaves. If you leave a minute sooner, you will be taken into custody. Is that understood?¡±

    ¡°Yes.¡± I replied, nodding with my eyes fixated on Judicial Officer Shamm, fighting back the swelling rage from all the inequity. ¡°Your honor.¡±

    As Judicial Officer Shamm rose from the bench and exited, I grabbed my black binder and looked for another place to sit down. I was then escorted by a young blonde haired female bailiff to my seat in the back of the courtroom and away from Anya and her attorney. She actually looked like she spent more time on movie sets than in a courtroom. After guiding me to where I should sit, she then spoke.

    ¡°Remember, if you contact her, you will be put in jail.¡± she reminded me, an apparent attempt to provoke me into a reaction¡ªthe one Judicial Officer Shamm hoped for on this day to put me behind bars.

    As Anya began her exit from the courtroom, with her attorney in tow, she was sobbing. I wanted to believe her tears were for us, or even for me, but after she obtained such a severe restraining order on false pretenses, I knew better than to believe that. Knowing this would likely be the last time we''d ever see each other, there was no way to hold back the greatest undeniable truth my life ever thrusted me into.

    ¡°God is the real judge, Anya!¡± I yelled out, unconcerned about the consequences of doing so.

    She then stopped, along with her attorney, and looked at me incredulously for a moment before walking out of the courtroom and my life.

 CHAPTER 36 ~ CROSS EXAMINATION

    ¡°There¡¯s a story in my eyes,

    turn the pages of desire.

    Now it¡¯s time to trade those dreams

    for the rush of passion¡¯s fire.

    I can feel you tremble when we touch

    and I feel the hand of fate

    reaching out to both of us.

    I¡¯ve been holding back the night.

    I¡¯ve been searching for a clue from you.

    I¡¯m gonna try with all my might

    To make this story line come true.¡±

    ~ ¡°I Can¡¯t Hold Back¡± Survivor

    I believed our justice system always got to the heart of the matter and eventually the truth¡ªto understand the reasons why a defendant reacted the way they did. That we were innocent before proven guilty. Judicial Officer Shamm claimed to have read my response, but if she truly did, how could she ignore all the lies? How could my defense be less than her accusations? How could my testimony come into question without Anya¡¯s being questioned once knowing she had every incentive to lie? Knowing she was in an extra-marital relationship for two years? Regardless of how I viewed Anya¡¯s love for me, in the eyes of the court she was clearly a woman who cheated on her husband. If she could lie to someone, she shared the same bed with, what gave Judicial Officer Shamm the confidence Anya would be honest with her? How could she criticize her infidelity yet not hold her accountable or even question her at all for it? How could she reinforce Anya¡¯s bad behavior by bailing her out? I didn¡¯t get it until remembering Jackson conversing with a man just outside the courtroom before our hearing. How could I be suddenly pulled from the person who was appointed to hear my case and brought into an entirely separate courtroom? To be heard by an entirely different judge? It had to be a set-up. They knew someone who could pull strings at this courthouse. They were all in on it¡ªJackson, the sunglass wearing man outside the courtroom and Judicial Officer Shamm.

    While sitting until my thirty-minute wait expired, the eyes of two bailiffs were fixated on me, with more hope than vigilance, that I would do something to justify their clandestine crime¡ªto put me behind bars. All I could do was sit there and take it while the craving for a pill left me irritable beyond belief. If Jackson had connections to judges, Anya telling me he ¡°wouldn¡¯t allow it¡± began making sense. That he could stand on the scales of justice, tipping it in his favor while Lady Justice wore a blindfold to take the kids away from her and deny her half of what she was entitled to. I knew I had to move on from Anya. I knew I had to fall out of love with her. I had no choice but to purge her from my heart completely, but it also seemed I really screwed her over by not being able to reign in my emotions. I wasn¡¯t making excuses for her because what she told the judge was horrific, but I also couldn¡¯t ignore ¡°what if¡±. What if I was wrong about all of this? That I let Jackson defeat us by letting him turn me against her. That she knew he had judges and players in the courts, in his pocket, and he would use them to defeat her. To defeat us. Everyone wanted to see love as black and white, but a love like ours could never be. There were too many gray areas, even shades of blue¡ªlife just wasn¡¯t the same without her. She brightened my life a thousand times more than the sun itself ever could and to lose that was beyond impossibility to stomach. Who else could I blame but her? Who else could I hold responsible but her? As it stood, I now blamed myself too.

    Her ¡°he threatened to kidnap my kids¡± statement during her testimony left me speechless. She said it happened in October two thousand seven, recalling the time she watched the movie ¡°Unfaithful¡± and telling me it made her feel guilty. This prompted her to suddenly decide she wanted to break up with me via text. I pushed back on it and she reacted very aggressively, even saying ¡°fuck you¡± to me. Did she fear I hatched a plan to kidnap her kids and that¡¯s why she reacted so harshly? I was only fighting in the romantic sense¡ªfor her. Something someone she loved as deeply as me should be able to do without being fought against. If I didn¡¯t love her, I would¡¯ve just said ¡°ok, sounds good. See ya!¡± Where would I have taken her kids to? My one-bedroom apartment? Tell them they were staying in the closet? I wanted her kids to like me not hate me. I know I never insinuated, let alone ever threatened to kidnap her kids. It never even crossed my mind until she mentioned it in court. Telling her kids about us was never an option¡ªthey would never choose me anyway so what was there to gain? Knowing Jackson¡¯s history of infidelities and breaking up of marriages, he certainly would never cry to his children about a woman he abused cheated on him. For her to allow and encourage me to feel so much for her, based on all she told me about him, then not allow me to win the battle against her abuser was beyond maddening. If she never believed she was in control of her own destiny, she had no right to mine.

    When the court allowed me to leave, Anya, Jackson and their attorney stood twenty yards in front of me. Jackson wrapped his right arm around Anya as she leaned into his shoulder as they walked toward the exit with Claudine Courtney. Remembering her hand in his as they walked by me that morning then seeing her lean into the man, who she told me made her sick, left me feeling the same. I wanted to hold on to that vision to move forward, knowing I was right all along to question her love, but I knew what that meant¡ªnot ready to accept she preferred his hand over mine. After they disappeared, twenty minutes passed before I made my own exodus. the hope of the day now bringing me to a new cold reality about this life and the world we live in. My last vision of Anya would be of her leaning into Jackson, her true abuser, and him being the one to catch her, as if I never existed. The man who dishonored and cheated on her enough to lead her to two other men, was now her pillar. How could this happen to me? How could I pour so much of myself into loving her to be falsely accused of things I never did or said? To be deemed the villain by the most treacherous? Even as a vibrant sun shone down upon me, a sense of impending doom fell harshly upon me. If how our relationship ended never sat well with me, this left an even worse taste in my mouth.

    A month after the restraining order was granted, one morning I woke up for work and had a difficult time breathing. In an effort to calm myself, I went outside for some fresh air, but my breaths remained noticeably short and labored. Placing a hand on my chest, my heart was not beating erratically nor seemed out of rhythm. There was no pain, and no arm numbness, just a lightheadedness. Suddenly feeling nauseous, I retreated to my bed, but my shortened breaths made me restless, not allowing me to relax. Starting to panic, I snatched the cell phone from my nightstand to dial nine-one-one, but held off¡ªthere wouldn¡¯t be enough time to save me at this point. Fighting to remain awake, ten minutes passed before the nausea mercifully subsided and a cold sweat poured over me. Using both my nose and mouth to breathe, I found a way to shower and get dressed. A new client just moved their home office to another location and had me hold several boxes of accounting documents for them to bring to their new workplace. They expected me no later than nine that morning¡ªthe information in the boxes needed to be analyzed and presented at a board meeting that same evening. With breaths that seemed to become shorter, I threw my head outside my open car window in forty-degree weather while driving on the freeway. About a half hour later, just before arriving at the client¡¯s new office, my breaths started to normalize, my lightheadedness subsiding completely. Not knowing what caused it, I just chalked it up to stress,

    Planning to unload the boxes upon my arrival, a parking spot right in front of the new office was miraculously available. While pulling into the spot, a woman was walking in my direction at the very same moment. Before reaching my car, she suddenly stopped, remaining as still as a deer in headlights, looking both sad and fearful¡ªthe first time I¡¯ve ever seen both emotions on a human face. Upon recognizing her unique physical beauty, my heart started to beat erratically, leaving me breathless yet again¡ªit was Anya. We both gazed at each other, both at a complete loss for words, after over two years of barricades between us nothing suddenly stood in the way of our emotions. The odds of us being here at this same moment had to be astronomical¡ªa coincidence only the universe had the power to design. The last month left me so earthbound; it was possible this could be by a demon¡¯s design as well. Fearing a violation would get me arrested, in front of a new client no less, while remaining inside my car, I motioned for her to continue past me to where she was headed. She then scurried by, disappearing quickly from view without incident. After bringing the boxes inside the office, I tried catching my breath, in disbelief of what transpired, and upset this didn¡¯t happen sooner so we could¡¯ve discussed the heart pendant. Seeing her caught me so off guard, amnesia befell me--having so much to say yet suddenly having nothing to say at all. Retreating back to my car, I drove around for an hour to fight back the urge to confront her about all that happened a month earlier. The look of sadness in her face, the way she appeared to fight back tears upon seeing me, caught me by surprise. Was it disappointment or fear? I couldn¡¯t tell now, but one thing was certain, my feelings for her were not dead.

    After the restraining order was granted, falling into a downward spiral with painkillers became an instinctual response, taking upwards to twenty pills a day¡ªno less than three pills at a time did nothing for me anymore. Knowing my breathing problems was the result of my reliance on them was far less important than the dense fog they provided to cover up my painful emotions since the hearing. They allowed me to not only fraudfully face the day but they also stopped me from considering a walk upon a marine green plank. Without them, my mother would have to deal with a selfish son who took his life while she battled for hers. When my usage became too great to hide from her, I went to an outside source, referred to me by a business contact, who dealt twenty milligram OxyContin pills¡ªand these blue pills he claimed were the same. I didn¡¯t care anymore¡ªeverything had fallen apart in my life. Work related stress was nothing to me, always fighting instead of flighting when it came to problem solving¡ªthat¡¯s what professionals did. Losing Anya though, the way it all went down, coupled with seeing her twice in a month¡¯s span but not being able to hold or talk to her, was a whole different beast¡ªhandcuffed by those who had no idea why I felt so strongly. She meant more to me than I even believed she did¡ªa whopping revelation. Being with her felt like a twenty Vicodin a day high that I needed to recreate in order to keep moving forward--my progress only an illusion. Without the pills, I¡¯d be paralyzed in front of clients I hoped to build my business around¡ªa must. Keeping up a fa?ade of my own to prove my mental fitness and accounting acumen to others, while my heart bore the weight of a vast wasteland, scorching my mind every single minute. Everything I ever tackled was with a great passion for life, but without the pills to placate me, all of life¡¯s pleasures were gone¡ªproviding the illusion my spirit raged on and goodness awaited me still. Growing up, I wondered how anyone could ever take drugs to the point they felt like they were needed¡ªnever believing a drug could ever consume or control me, but the opiates did just that; completely turning me into someone else¡ªtrapped in a constant nightmare and suspended in disbelief but too euphoric to be awakened to any problem. On the surface to everyone I was the same old Landyn, but nothing could¡¯ve been further from the truth.

    The restraining order, mostly its duration of five years and how it was obtained on mostly false pretenses rubbed me in the worst way. After seeing Anya, the look on her face splintered my mind into many pieces. What if she filed a false police report claiming I was stalking her after our chance encounter designed by the universe? It¡¯s obvious she did know people who could hurt me and what if I lost my CPA license based on a false restraining order violation? She lied to get it, probably being pressured by those telling her she didn¡¯t love her kids or her family if she didn¡¯t. The goal was to put me behind bars the day of the hearing to absolve them of fault in the eyes of others, and here was an opportunity to make sure they didn¡¯t fail on their quest. As much as I started to care less about life, I didn¡¯t want my mother to have to bury her son while she was fighting a cancer battle, let alone see him in jail for six months to a year. If Anya lied under oath to get the order, she¡¯d have no problem lying about a violation. The more I thought about the present danger and the unjust way it was obtained, the more I researched the appeal process. The only thing stopping me was the seven-hundred-dollar fee¡ªa great burden for a man who needed pill money to get through the day.

    My new client owned a restaurant and was trying to save it from bankruptcy after falling behind on his sales tax payments. The jobs of many long tenured employees were in jeopardy as their prior accountant embezzled money from the owner instead of paying the government. Saving the restaurant would give me an excellent reputation on which to build my business. After successfully negotiating with the State Board of Equalization, after they threatened to pull his liquor license and close the restaurant down, there was one small problem¡ªhe fell behind on his payments to me. Thinking this would be a short-term issue after I had him sign a contract, I agreed he could pay me every two months until he was current on his sales tax payments¡ªallowing the restaurant to stay open while employees retained their jobs and partners retained their capital contributions. Unfortunately, my vision failed to go as planned¡ªmy kindness going unrewarded as he fell further behind on payments. When he finally paid me something, I used seven hundred dollars to start the appeal process.

    The appeal required me to mail a proof of service to Anya to inform her an appeal was filed along with my reasons for filing it. Not wanting to burden my mother with its mailing, I took it to the police department to have a Sheriff hand deliver it to Anya so there would be zero doubt who mailed the proof of service. The Sheriff had ten days to deliver the proof of service but on day eight, it still had not been delivered. The drugs left me too foggy to consider it was a bad idea to have the same police department, who took the false break in report, deliver the proof of service to their masters. It forced me to burden my mother with signing and mailing the proof of service for my appeal after just undergoing a heavy chemo treatment that same day. After promising her this would be the last time I ever asked her for such a thing, she agreed. After the police department failed to mail my proof of service, I demanded a refund of the fee I paid them, additionally requesting copies of the police reports they took from Anya--specifically the break-in report. They gave me two reports but claimed the break-in report did not exist in their records.

    ¡°It has to be on record.¡± I told the officer at the window, shaking my head in disbelief. ¡°They used it against me to obtain the restraining order.¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s not on record.¡± He firmly stated, his eyes burning into mine with irritation.

    The assuredness in his voice stopped me in my tracks¡ªsounding like Judicial Officer Shamm; defending the indefensible. I nodded then left the department with copies of two of the three police reports, knowing two things without uncertainty¡ªthe third was destroyed after the restraining order was obtained and the police department was corrupted.

    Ten days after having my mother mail the proof of service to Anya and the court, I received a letter back from the Court of Appeals informing me it was filed past the filing date deadline. The letter from the Appeals court allowed me to submit a reason for the late filing in which I had ten days to respond. Not needing ten days, I began writing my response immediately.

    Court of Appeals of the State of California

    Fourth Appellate District

    Division Three

    June 10, 2012

    RE: Appeals Case No G0469630

    Superior Court Case No. 11V002184

    Anya Caiaphas v. Landyn Lastman

    Dear O¡¯ Luery, Daniel or for who it may concern, Enjoying the story? Show your support by reading it on the official site.

    Please accept this document as my informal letter brief to respectfully ask the Court of Appeals to not dismiss my appeal due to an untimely filing.

    I feel the ruling I received, a 5 year non-contact stay away order protecting four individuals, two of whom are children, was grossly unjust and unnecessarily excessive and harsh. This restraining order ruling has unfairly affected my life. Restraining orders are intended for those who fear for their safety yet no evidence of threats, no evidence of any violence and no evidence of any injuries were ever presented to the court related to my case simply because there were none. I strongly believe I did not receive a fair hearing in both fact and appearance, and that the evidence provided to the court was not sufficiently examined by the presiding Judicial Officer, which subsequently led to the applicable law being erroneously applied. By not sufficiently examining the evidence, this allowed the restraining order to be obtained on false pretenses, therefore I believe my rights provided in the 1<sup>st</sup> and 5<sup>th</sup> amendments to the United States Constitution were denied to me by the court.

    I would¡¯ve filed the appeal sooner but was unable to for several reasons. First the $655 filing fee, the $100 required deposit and the $325 court reporter¡¯s transcript were things I had to budget for. If there was an option to pay by credit card I could have done so, but I couldn¡¯t part with the cash. In addition, my business is a fairly new entity therefore my main client at the time was struggling financially and had trouble paying me in a timely manner therefore I only had the cash flow to pay my bills but not enough to handle the required appeal fees until now.

    I simply feel this order is protecting the wrong and not the wronged people. I am in great disbelief that not only did I receive a restraining order, but one of this magnitude without threatening anyone with physical violence, without any act of physical violence, without ever being arrested and without any injuries to any of the protected parties. I was an auditor with a local CPA firm for many years. In my profession, I could not substantiate any material amount on a client''s balance sheet or income statement without any documentation or evidence to support it. I¡¯ve never been allowed to just take someone¡¯s word for something without evidence to support their claims as it would be an act of negligence if I were to do so, if not gross negligence, on my part. The protected parties appear to have friends in political circles, as I¡¯ve been threatened in the past with people they know personally. Judicial Officer Shamm claimed to have read my response in its entirety in which the court reporter¡¯s transcript will show. I feel if she truly read my response, like she claimed, her ruling was an act of gross negligence because my response provided relevant evidence to my defense she never considered.

    In addition, I felt a special arrangement was made to accommodate the protected parties on the date of my hearing. On October 13, 2011, I was assigned ¡°for all purposes¡± to a courtroom presided over by Judicial Officer Cordon, that was packed that day with other parties, mostly of Hispanic descent, who waited to have their cases heard. Particularly. two of those cases contained physical violent acts and injuries presented to Judicial Officer Cordon. I observed Judicial Officer Cordon consider evidence from all parties and not once did she give me the perception of partiality in her questioning of the parties or her rulings. In fact, the restraining order terms these parties received were either on par or even less harsh than the terms I received. At approximately 10:30 a.m., all litigants were granted a recess by Judicial Officer Cordon. I then decided to use the restroom however one of the protected parties, Jackson Caiaphas, began taunting me in an act of provocation. When I returned to the courtroom after our granted recess without reacting, I was suddenly summoned to have my case moved to Judicial Officer Shamm¡¯s courtroom without any explanation as to why. I believed they were moving some of us to another courtroom due to a backlog of cases that day however my case was moved to be heard in a completely private setting. I felt this courtroom change was made to solely accommodate the protected party, Anya Caiaphas, so she could admit ¡°in private¡± to an extra-marital relationship, lending further to my argument that this restraining order was not about a fear of safety, but rather about a fear of exposure and a loss of reputation. Having my case heard in a private manner was discriminatory to me in both fact and appearance but also discriminatory to all the other litigants that day in Judicial Officer Cordon¡¯s courtroom. Why shouldn''t they also be afforded the opportunity to have their cases heard in a private setting? I¡¯m certain it was just as embarrassing for them to be there that day as it was for us. I won¡¯t go into details, but I strongly suspect because of the people the protected parties are affiliated with, that my ruling had an element of political corruption within it. I truly felt the protected parties had two lawyers that day, their own attorney and Judicial Officer Teri Shamm. I believe my appeal, through the court reporter¡¯s transcript, will show the ruling was partial, and that based on the evidence presented that was not sufficiently examined, the unfairness of the order could not be explained otherwise.

    Even though I filed my appeal 7 months after the judgment, I can assure the Court of Appeals that my untimely filing had nothing to do with me accepting the Superior Court¡¯s decision. I would not spend over $1,000 of cash I desperately need if I didn¡¯t feel I had a solid case and strong reasons to support it. I truly hope the Court of Appeals will carefully consider my reason for the untimely filing. I did nothing worthy of being hit with a 5 year stay away order protecting 4 individuals, 2 of which are children, on my record. A restraining order is intended to protect those who fear for their safety. It is not intended to protect those who are afraid of losing face with the people around them. Also, I need to state I¡¯m not trying to paint myself as a conspiracy theorist with my claims of political corruption, but my life has been greatly affected by the unfairness of this order and I could support my claims if I have to. I¡¯m not looking to drag someone¡¯s name through the mud, but the manner in which this restraining order was obtained is egregiously wrong. I think it would be an injustice to our justice system to not appeal this particular order based on the circumstances that surrounds its existence. People have died for this country and to know there are people out there (who only have money and the power they do because of the huge sacrifices others made for them), manipulating the system for their own purposes is beyond wrong. My only true motive here is to hopefully be allowed the opportunity to have the unfairness of the order be recognized and if deemed so, to have it rightfully removed from the record, so I could regain freedoms promised to me in the 1<sup>st</sup> and 5<sup>th</sup> amendments, freedoms people died for me to have, and further move forward with my life. All I¡¯m asking for is the opportunity to be heard because I was not allowed to during my hearing on October 13, 2011.

    Thank you for your time and consideration,

    Sincerely,

    Landyn Lastman

    Having the kids on the restraining order provided proof they now knew me. How would they be able to report a violation if they didn¡¯t? What bothered me the most about it is how it painted me as the villain in the story¡ªthe monster who wanted their mother and father to break up. They did not know the truth¡ªthe reason why they now knew me. Why any parent would dare instill a false sense of fear into the heads of their children was beyond my comprehension. Wasn¡¯t that evidence of psychological abuse? Anya knew me well enough to know I wasn¡¯t a threat to them. The goal was never to rat her out to them but to let Jackson know, after stalking me on Facebook for two years, the truth¡ªenough was enough. To tell Anya "You say you love me forever. You say you wish, hope and dream. You say you want to wear my ring. You fight me each time I question your love. Tell him the fucking truth. Let the bastard off the hook. You¡¯re not in love with him, you¡¯re in love with me. We experienced everything two people in a relationship ever could¡ªlet¡¯s be honest. I didn¡¯t trust in your love to be lied about. We happened. It all happened and you initiated and pursued it¡ªI was only there to make sure it was not done for nothing." I had to put the pressure on her more than ever and filing the appeal might break her enough to be honest with everyone¡ªespecially her kids so they knew there was nothing to fear. I had very good reasons why their parents didn¡¯t belong together and never really did. In my eyes, they were the only good things that came out of the marriage.

    After my courtroom hearing, it seemed Jackson was more violent than Anya led me to believe¡ªthe convergence of his arrogance, deceitful nature and hot temper the perfect storm. Anya made a smart move by keeping that from me¡ªshe knew I¡¯d give my life to protect her and would never tolerate that kind of behavior from him. Although the restraining order weighed heavily upon me, after running into her by chance, I wasn¡¯t convinced her heart was fully into it¡ªthat she was forced into this. Even as she walked past me with her hand in his, she walked so quickly by it seemed like she didn''t want me to see it. All it really did was allow me to witness the fa?ade of her marriage first hand, especially when he stayed outside the courtroom the entire time¡ªnot one time stepping inside to defend her honor. She never told the court she was in love with her husband¡ªonly that she wanted to be left alone. When Judicial Officer Shamm saw me without an attorney, she became a buzzard circling the kill. Instead of giving me a fair trial like Judicial Officer Cordon did for others earlier that day, she saw an opportunity to deny that. After learning on the internet that Judicial Officer Shamm was never elected, but appointed to Judicial Officer by the Terminator himself, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, it appeared a favor may have been likely owed to the person who put her there. After also learning she was married to a councilman in the same district Jackson Caiaphas was a part of in San Francisco, it provided more evidence this was likely an inside job. By filing an appeal, I wanted her to know, unlike others who appeared before her who needed interpreters, I was unlike anyone she¡¯s ever seen in her courtroom. There was no doubt she viewed me as guilty before innocent that day, even feigning the entire due process she afforded me. Being moved into a private setting so she could get away with it, so they all could get away with it, was beyond easy to see. Yet, I remained unconvinced that Anya ran the show, just a willing participant because she was rightfully upset with me for sending back the gifts she gave me¡ªfor that, I couldn¡¯t blame her one bit. It was the way it materialized¡ªthe court knowing the petitioner had an incentive to lie due to the nature of our relationship, even knowing deceit was exhibited by the petitioner, yet turned a blind eye to it¡ªhanding them a sword against me instead of a shield.

    As two weeks passed without any word from the Court of Appeals it left me feeling reflective. A schism within¡ªblaming myself for not being able to handle all the emotions the right way. The other part upset with Anya and her cohort, and another fractured part of me unable to find the justification for letting this go. They say anger was like taking poison hoping the other person got sick but my disposition was as impossible as stopping an avalanche. Without considering it, because of the euphoria they gave me, the pills may have enhanced my inability to let this go on any level. The drug use became so much a part of me, I couldn¡¯t stomach functioning without it. I disliked my life so much, I needed a pill to tolerate even sitting down and eating a meal. And anytime I went without, it felt like my world was imploding. Any little thing, even something as mundane as taking a shower or shaving, things done in the past without a thought about reaching for a pill, was now needed to remain inspired in a world I¡¯ve never felt more disconnected from.

    The goal wasn¡¯t to make Anya¡¯s life miserable. I didn¡¯t want to go back and forth to court as much as she didn¡¯t, but this pain kept me pushing through all these unbridled emotions. The more mundane life became, the more insufferable it was. Never achieving the same high anymore off just one or two pills, needing three to four, sometimes even five, to feel good enough to even talk to another human being, let alone a client. When Anya told a judge I threatened to kidnap her kids, I lost faith in the goodness of people, mostly women. The drugs kept me connected to her through the euphoria they fed me¡ªhoping this was all Jackson¡¯s idea, not Anya¡¯s. The euphoria felt through the Vicodin and now the OxyContin, kept hope alive the real Anya would turn against Jackson¡ªto remember all we shared and all I was truly fighting for. She was better than this¡ªI¡¯d never fall so damn hard for someone who was just like every other woman out there. Secretly though, without that hope, whether it existed only in my head through a pill, I didn¡¯t want to be here. Even the labored breaths never caused worry anymore, embracing them with the hope they¡¯d cease leaving me breathless, the way she used to leave me whenever my eyes met hers.

    While spending another late night at my client¡¯s office, my cell phone began ringing, displaying a number unrecognized. Usually, I let these calls go to my voicemail, but something told me to answer.

    ¡°Hello?¡±

    ¡°Hello, Mister Lastman.¡± Answered a female voice. ¡°This is Claudine Courtney¡ªAnya Caiaphas¡¯s attorney.¡±

    ¡°Hello.¡±

    ¡°Mister Lastman. I am calling to warn you to leave my client alone and to stop harassing her.¡± She demanded.

    ¡°Excuse me?¡± I replied, astonished by her request. ¡°How am I harassing your client?¡±

    ¡°By appealing the restraining order.¡± she stated. ¡°In all my years as an attorney, I¡¯ve never heard of someone filing an appeal to a restraining order.¡±

    ¡°Well, I guess you better be ready to see a lot of firsts in your legal career when you encourage your client to spew frivolous claims about me in court.¡±

    ¡°There were no frivolous claims made about you in court.¡±

    ¡°You allowed your client to tell the judge I threatened to kidnap her kids and that I was outside her home.¡± I told her, feeling unsettled by her dishonesty. ¡°Two things that never happened so you could get the most severe restraining order¡ªone lasting five years due to the threats of kidnapping and trespassing. Did you ever get my response to the restraining order?¡±

    ¡°I never saw your response to the restraining order.¡± Claimed Claudine.

    ¡°How could that be? You never asked for it from Anya?¡± I asked, further irked by her dishonesty. ¡°You know your client had to get a copy and you never asked for it even after the Judge put it up on her computer? Anya didn¡¯t give it to you?¡±

    ¡°No.¡±

    ¡°Okay. Um¡­well she lied about a lot of things in court that day and I pointed each one of those lies out in my response.¡± I explained. ¡°Since you have a wealth of experience, and have never seen anyone appeal a restraining order before, have you ever seen anyone pulled from an assigned courtroom in the middle of the day to have their case heard in a completely private hearing?¡±

    ¡°What are you trying to say, Mister Lastman?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m trying to say your client filed for a frivolous order, you aided her in doing so and this was a set-up.¡± I clarified for her. ¡°There''s no way this is Anya doing this alone¡ªthis is Jackson and his politically corrupt friends giving you a blank check to do whatever it takes to destroy my life. Would love to know the amount of the retainer he has with your firm, Miss Courtney--my conspiracy theory would make a lot more sense.¡±

    ¡°Conspiracy theory is an understatement! That¡¯s not true, and you are a complete psycho!¡± she retorted. ¡°Even the judge pointed that out!¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s because she was in on it.¡± I snapped. ¡°The goal was to get the ¡°psycho¡± description on record¡ªnothing more, nothing less¡ªto justify her gross negligence of justice that day.¡±

    ¡°Filing an appeal to a restraining order is absolutely unheard of¡ªit only further demonstrates a continuation of your abusive behavior towards Anya and her family.¡±

    ¡°The only true abuser here is who Anya is still married to.¡± I clarified, my voice starting to shake in tandem with my phone hand. ¡°And I¡¯m not fighting the restraining order in its most general terms. If Anya doesn¡¯t want to see or talk to me, I understand after what I¡¯ve said and done. My problem is with its magnitude because of the false pretenses it was obtained upon.¡±

    ¡°General terms.¡± She mocked.

    ¡°If Jackson could influence Anya to perjure herself, nothing would stop her from lying to a cop about me violating the order.¡± I argued. ¡°If she obtained it with the truth, I would have no reason to appeal.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re making things up in your head, Mister Lastman!¡± She countered, giving me Judicial Officer Shamm flashbacks. ¡°You wrote love notes to someone who never loved you¡ªa psychotic act in every sense of the word. My client loves her husband and you need to move on. You need to accept the fact she was married and you got involved to destroy a family.¡±

    ¡°You couldn¡¯t be more wrong about anything.¡±

    ¡°Now you¡¯re out to wreck the reputations of two people who have done nothing but good for the community. Who are well liked and respected because she broke your heart. People have their hearts broken everyday but no one whines about it as much as you do.¡±

    ¡°Maybe that¡¯s because no one is willing to risk, let alone lose, all I¡¯ve lost.¡± I told her. ¡°But that¡¯s my reality now, no one else¡¯s. If Anya wants a restraining order against me, she can have it¡ªbut not based on false narratives. And not because she was counseled by her attorney that the tenets of trespassing and kidnapping, whether they happened or not, are the ones judges would automatically grant you a five-year protective order for. Now, you have to deal with an appeal.¡±

    ¡°How long is this going to continue?¡± She asked. ¡°It¡¯s already been four years now, almost five.¡±

    ¡°This will only last as long your client remains dishonest. The choice is hers.¡±

    ¡°This will not be overturned, Mister Lastman¡ªit¡¯s a waste of everyone¡¯s time.¡±

    ¡°You may be right about that, but if you really believe this will not be overturned, then why call me to discuss it?¡± I counterattacked. "What are you guys so afraid of? The truth?"

    ¡°Because someone needs to tell you that you need to move on or your life is about to be destroyed.¡±

    ¡°The shenanigans pulled that day left me with nothing else to lose¡ªthank you for allowing me the opportunity to tell you and your client that.¡±

    ¡°If that¡¯s what you want." She sighed heavily. "I look forward to completing your fall, Mister Lastman--you were warned."

    ¡°Thank you for your concern.¡± I replied, heavy on the sarcasm.

    ¡°And for the record, my client never did nor does she owe you an apology for anything. Good evening, Mister Lastman.¡±

    ¡°Based on the little knowledge you''ve received from her about our relationship, that couldn''t be further from the truth. Good evening, Miss Courtney. I''m sure we''ll be facing off again real soon.¡±

    "Looking forward to it." She answered before hanging up.

    Knowing this conversation would get back to her client, it felt good to let some steam off. The ruling was so egregious and the lies so horrific¡ªI couldn¡¯t let her get away with it. I didn¡¯t want Anya to get in trouble for perjury knowing Jackson pressured her, but she should know better growing up in a Christian household that it shouldn''t be so easy to bear false witness. I know mothers would do anything to protect their kids, but to tell a judge I threatened to kidnap her kids after she shared so much of their lives with me? After she told me no man wanted to be with her because she had ¡°baggage¡±? I just couldn¡¯t believe she went through with that evil lie. I wanted badly to believe Jackson made her do these things¡ªplunging her into a position to be unfairly judged for a crime he wanted her to believe she committed¡ªthat she betrayed her kids by finding love in a man who honored her; a man who knew more than anyone how much she loved her kids. Her continued dishonesty only disgusted me because she allowed and encouraged me to feel so much for her. The appeal was filed simply because my survival depended on it--to force the pressure back on Jackson to see if the real Anya still remained. The only person in danger of me was me.

    Ten days after having this conversation with Anya¡¯s attorney, a letter finally arrived from the Court of Appeals. With the promise of salvation, I quickly ripped open the letter and scanned its contents.

    COURT OF APPEAL ¨C STATE OF CALIFORNIA

    FOURTH APPELLATE DISTRICT

    DIVISION THREE

    JUNE 7, 2012

    ANYA CAIAPHAS

    Plaintiff and Respondent,

    <ol>

    <li> </li>

    </ol>

    LANDYN LASTMAN

    Defendant and Appellant.

    ____________________________________

    Since the filing is 23 days past the appeal filing date the Court of Appeals has dismissed the above case.

    Clark R. Kelley,

    Clerk/Administrator

    By: Daniel O¡¯ Luery

    Deputy Clerk

 CHAPTER 37 ~ THE HARDEST PILL

    ¡°So let this heart be still.

    Mama, now I¡¯m coming home.

    I¡¯m not all you wished of me.

    A mother¡¯s love for her son.

    Unspoken, help me be.

    Yeah, I took your love for granted.

    And all the things you said to me.¡±

    ~ ¡°Mama Said¡± Metallica

    After my appeal was denied, as even financial hardship wasn¡¯t a good enough reason, having my voice heard made me more determined than ever¡ªvowing to expose this twisted plot against me¡ªagainst love. Although most would have me believe Anya acted alone, knowing this relationship was far from normal, it felt Jackson was behind this more than anyone. She could also very well be feeding Jackson and conspiring with him to destroy me, but my gut told me she had no choice in the matter. That Jackson Caiaphas was a much darker soul than she led me to believe. Knowing how much she knew I loved her, if she told me the truth about him, it would thrust me into full protection mode¡ªto let him know we weren¡¯t just a roll in the hay but his greatest fear. Anya was also in this position because of my reactions, and not focusing on his role would belie all I still felt. His taunting outside the courtroom to provoke me into a prison cell told me who had to be behind it all. Even though darkness prevailed that day, by keeping the pressure on, Anya could turn if she still felt angry enough to never resolve her anger after years of him chipping her heart away. After Claudine Courtney¡¯s distressed call, it seemed my chances were decent.

    My first order of business was to get my hands on the "break-in" incident report denied to me. In order to build a political corruption case against Jackson, learning the identity of the police officer who took the report was imperative. Learning the police department that took the complaint was not the Dana Point police department but rather the Naples Estates police department, I wrote a letter to the Naples Estates Citizen Police Complaint Commission informing them of my dilemma.

    July 1, 2012

    Naples Estates Citizen Police Complaint Commission

    City Hall

    7<sup>th</sup> Floor

    999 W. Pacific Blvd.

    Dana Point, CA 92629

    To whom it may concern:

    On or around the dates of September 17<sup>th</sup> ¨C September 19<sup>th</sup> 2011, Mr. Jackson Caiaphas reported a vehicle break-in report at his home address at 1404 La Puerta Ln, Dana Point to the Naples Estates Police Department. His wife, Mrs. Anya Caiaphas stated that the vehicle break-in report number was DR112-61586 (Please see attached A) which listed me as a suspect. On September 21<sup>st</sup>, 2011, I visited the police department office on Excelsior Dr. and an officer verbally corrected and confirmed the vehicle break-in report was DR112-61587 (even telling me my name was on the report) and that DR112-61586 was the harassment report.

    On October 13, 2011, Anya Caiaphas was able to obtain a restraining order against me protecting 4 individuals, 2 of which were children, on generally false pretenses. In an attempt to appeal the court¡¯s decision, I requested a copy of the vehicle break-in report (Please see B attached). I also requested a copy of the harassment report (DR112-61586) so I could work on getting both expunged from my record. I received written notification from the Department that my request for DR112-61586 was denied (Please see C attached). I then contacted and spoke with a Detective Andrea Jakitra (who has been nothing but helpful throughout this process), and she informed me the reason the reports were denied was because it was still considered an open investigation. I understood, however, I asked her if I could also receive written notification denying me the vehicle break-in report DR112-61587 as well. Detective Jakitra verbally confirmed that the report exists however my name is not attached to it nor is it a vehicle break-in report. On May 21, 2012, I attempted to appeal the restraining order however I filed my appeal after the 180 day limit and therefore the appeal was dismissed due to its untimely filing (Please see D attached).

    I have provided a picture of the supposed vehicle break-in so you could see how they attempted to obtain the restraining order (Please see E attached). This order was simply obtained on false pretenses and has greatly affected my life causing me deep emotional pain and suffering. In my entire 41 years of life, I have no prior criminal history, and I¡¯m not happy my name is listed on any report with the Naples Estates Police Department whether the investigation is opened or closed. I am willing to go through whatever process is necessary in order to get the investigation closed. All my communication and contact with the protected party at the time served a legitimate purpose and I¡¯m even more than willing, along with both Anya and Jackson Caiaphas, to be administered an independent lie detector test to prove I¡¯m telling the truth. The incident reports on record with the department were unfair, unsupported and vicious attacks of my character. I am asking for the NECPCC to please conduct an independent investigation (without the knowledge of Jackson Caiaphas or any other city council members who may be his constituents) into the existence of DR112-61587. I strongly believe the system back up data will show this report as a being a vehicle break-in report with my name on it, on or around the dates of September 17<sup>th</sup> ¨C October 13<sup>th</sup>, 2011. I have good reason to suspect the vehicle break-in report was modified after the restraining order was obtained on October 13, 2011 to cover up the false report. I kindly request the name and badge number of the officer who took this report, only if my query is correct. Additionally, I would like to be provided with further details such as how the report was taken and what procedures were performed at the scene to ascertain it as a vehicle break-in.

    I can¡¯t thank you enough for your time and attention to this matter.

    Sincerely,

    Landyn Lastman

    Four days later, a response was received from the Commission.

    July 5, 2012

    Landyn Lastman

    1300 South Coast Drive, Unit B-102

    Newport Beach, CA 92626

    Dear Sir:

    Regarding your request for a copy of the Incident/Arrest Report number DR112-61587: We are enclosing the report you requested.

    Sincerely,

    Jon Stapp (Records Administrator)

    To my surprise, they gave me everything I asked for, including the badge number, the name of the officer and his full report.

    I (Officer J. Walker #5755) was finishing my investigation into an annoying phone calls report, when the victim advised me about her car being gone through. She left her vehicle parked, locked, and secure in the driveway of her residence at the above date and time. When she returned to her vehicle she found it had been ransacked. She also noticed a cover on the rear bumper had been tampered with. The victim stated she did not notice anything missing. She did not give anyone permission to enter her vehicle. She told me she believed she left the vehicle locked but it may have been unlocked. She is willing to prosecute and was given a report receipt. Suspect (Landyn Lastman) who has been harassing her was the one who went through her car. She stated she could not prove it, but he has been seen driving past her residence lately.

    Through my investigation, I found unknown suspect(s) entered the vehicle via the unlocked doors. Once inside, they ransacked the car. The suspect also tampered with a cover on the rear bumper.

    After reading the officer¡¯s narrative, it didn¡¯t make sense in a report he titled "petty theft" that nothing was taken yet a report was¡ªconfirmed by the ¡°victim¡±. There must not be a charge for ¡°ransacking¡± a car but weren''t robbing and ransacking similar terms? Seeing how the officer attached my name to a nothing break-in report left me seething¡ªa total inside job. This led me to suspect Officer Walker was a friend of Jackson and Anya. After performing a quick internet search, it appeared Officer J. Walker was a retired police officer. Taking it a step further, a simple call made to the Naples Estates police department confirmed he¡¯s been retired for two years. Although I couldn¡¯t confirm where the retired officer lived, regardless, simple deductive reasoning skills pointed to this being yet another successfully fulfilled political favor. He could''ve also been the same officer Carolyn was dating, or an acquaintance through her law enforcement paramour, after she vanished in thin air when everything went south.

    After receiving the reports, my next move was to write a letter to the California Commission on Judicial Performance--clandestinely keeping the pressure on those who conspired in the dark. Letting them all know, a real psychopath wouldn¡¯t go through proper legal channels to get their point across by going straight into Jackson Caiaphas¡¯s congressional district.

    August 5, 2012

    Commission on Judicial Performance

    465 Golden Gate Avenue, Suite 14400

    San Francisco, CA 94102

    Dear Commission on Judicial Performance:

    I file my complaint with the commission as it relates to Judicial Officer Teri Shamm who presides over domestic violence cases at the Superior Court of California, Lamoreaux Justice Center in the City of Orange, California. This complaint is in regards to Case Number 11V002183: Anya Caiaphas v. Landyn Lastman. I tried to appeal the court¡¯s decision however my case was dismissed due to the untimely filing of my appeal. I filed the appeal on May 21, 2012 which was 23 days past the 180-day limit.

    My complaint is in regards to what I felt was a blatant disregard by Judicial Officer Teri Shamm to the California Code of Judicial Ethics and her adjudicative duties in regards to my case. The plaintiff in the case, Anya Caiaphas, unknown to me at the time we met, was married to a prominent political figure, who is running for the 47<sup>th</sup> District in this year¡¯s upcoming election for a seat on the House of Representatives, Jackson Caiaphas. Both Jackson and Anya are friends, and even neighbors in some cases, of many distinguished political figures in California. The Plaintiff, Anya Caiaphas, had threatened me with the people she knows, therefore I have a legitimate reason to believe, Judicial Officer Teri Shamm did a small favor in court that day for Jackson''s friends and was therefore biased in her ruling.

    On October 13, 2011, the day of my hearing, I was assigned to and for ¡°all purposes¡± to a courtroom presided over by Judicial Officer Beatrice Cordon, that was completely full of parties who waited to have their cases heard. I paid special attention to two cases in particular in which violent physical acts and injuries were presented to Judicial Officer Cordon, and observed her consider evidence from both sides, never giving me the perception of partiality in her questionings and rulings, specifically in those two cases. In fact, the restraining order terms these parties received were either on par or less harsh than the restraining order I received. At approximately 10:30 a.m., all litigants were granted a recess by Judicial Officer Cordon so I decided to use the restroom however one of the protected parties, Jackson Caiaphas, stood just outside the courtroom''s doors and began taunting me in an effort to provoke me into assaulting him which is not my nature. Upon returning to the courtroom after receiving permission to use the restroom, I was suddenly removed from Judicial Officer Cordon¡¯s courtroom at approximately 11:00 a.m. to have my case heard in Judicial Officer Shamm¡¯s courtroom without any explanation as to why. At the time, I believed they were just moving some of us to another courtroom due to the high number of cases being heard that day so I never questioned the move. However, my case was moved to be heard in a completely private setting. I further noticed before entering the newly assigned courtroom that Jackson Caiaphas no longer felt the need to provoke me, too consumed by his conversation with a gentleman right outside the newly assigned courtroom doors. This courtroom change was clearly made to accommodate the protected party. Anya Caiaphas, so she could admit ¡°in private¡± to an extra-marital relationship. The change in venue further lending evidence to my argument that the restraining order sought by the protected parties was not about a fear of safety but rather a fear of exposure because of those people they know in government. To have my case heard in a private setting alone was not only discriminatory to me in both fact and appearance, but also discriminatory to the other litigants in Judicial Officer Cordon¡¯s courtroom. Shouldn''t they also have had the opportunity for their case to be heard in a private manner if that option was available to them? I¡¯m sure it was just as embarrassing for them to be there as it was for us.

    It felt like the protected parties had two lawyers working for them that day; their attorney and Judicial Officer Teri Shamm. I wrote a very detailed lengthy response to the restraining order because it was important to establish my legitimate purpose for claiming self-defense and the petitioner¡¯s entire response was full of numerous untruths that required detailed responses. Judicial Officer Teri Shamm claimed to have read my response to the restraining order during my hearing, but I believe she did not due to its length and likely being pressed for time. One of those untruths told by the petitioner, which caused emotional distress, was her filing of a vehicle ¡°break-in¡± report with the Naples Estates Police Department claiming I was responsible. In my 41 years on this earth, I have no prior history that would remotely suggest I¡¯d ever do such a thing. Her intention was to prove a fear of safety by deceiving the court. Please see attached picture that she provided as evidence of the vehicle ¡°break-in¡±. This was specifically pointed out to Judicial Officer Teri Shamm in my response to the restraining order--the one she claimed to have read. By her refusing to acknowledge this in my response, something very critical to my defense, gave me the impression she did not read the response to the restraining order due to its length, and was therefore negligent, perhaps grossly in her ruling against me.

    Judicial Officer Teri Shamm¡¯s line of questioning also led me to conclude I did not receive a fair hearing. I explained in court, and also provided texts from the petitioner to support this claim in my response to the restraining order, that her husband, Jackson Caiaphas, was in my Facebook account and that¡¯s why I sent the gifts to him. Judicial Officer Shamm then asked me ¡°Did you file a police report?¡± I told her I did not because I had no idea I could file a police report for something like that. She quickly discarded my claim, even though I provided her with proof through the text messages, included with my response she claimed to have read, of the petitioner informing me her husband was in my Facebook account. When the petitioner, Anya Caiaphas, committed perjury by telling Judicial Officer Shamm that I threatened to kidnap her kids and I was outside her home prompting her to pick up her dog and run inside the house, Judicial Officer Shamm never asked if she had filed police reports for those claims. My argument is this; why would Judicial Officer Teri Shamm not ask Anya Caiaphas for any corroborating evidence yet request it from me? It''s also important to note, Judicial Officer Teri Shamm knew from the very onset of the hearing that Anya Caiaphas was involved in a two-year extramarital relationship. Knowing that fact, what led her to assume that Anya Caiaphas, who demonstrated the ability to lie to everyone around her for two years, was actually a credible enough witness to not request any corroborating evidence from? I cannot believe a Judicial Officer, a member of a well respected esteemed and honorable group, could lack such basic judicial skills. I felt since Judicial Officer Teri Shamm took the petitioner¡¯s word at face value and only took mine with further corroboration, that she was judging in a discriminatory manner towards me, and was therefore partial in her ruling. By not doing so, Judicial Officer Teri Shamm intentionally and unfairly stripped me of my 1<sup>st</sup> and 5<sup>th</sup> amendment rights.

    A judge¡¯s adjudicative duties states the following:

    ¡°A judge shall perform the duties of judicial office impartially and diligently. A judge shall be patient, dignified, and courteous, to litigants, jurors, witnesses, lawyers and others with whom the judge deals in an official capacity, and shall require similar conduct of lawyers, and of staff, court officials, and others subject to the judge¡¯s direction and control. A judge must perform judicial duties impartially and fairly. A judge who manifests bias on any basis in a proceeding impairs the fairness of the proceeding and brings the judiciary in disrepute. Facial expressions and body language, in addition to oral communication, can give to parties or lawyers in the proceeding, jurors, the media, and others in appearance of judicial bias. A judge must be alert to avoid behavior that may be perceived as prejudicial. In disposing of matters promptly, efficiently, and fairly, a judge must demonstrate due regard for the rights of the parties to be heard and to have issues resolved without unnecessary cost or delay. A judge must consider only the evidence presented.¡±

    Later in the hearing, Judicial Officer Teri Shamm found it appropriate to call me ¡°Psychotic¡± then went on a diatribe attacking my character. Her personal attacks put me in fear of being held in contempt of court if I tried appropriately defending myself. I would even go as far to say the entire proceeding was a set-up to provoke me enough to put me behind bars--to justify her complete disregard for the due process of law¡ªtreating me as guilty before proven innocent. She then went on to grant Anya Caiaphas a 5-year restraining order protecting 4 individuals, 2 of which were children, based merely on sending Anya text messages in response to a text message she sent to me¡ªeven after sending the protected party messages stating I would not contact her again. When I asked Judicial Officer Teri Shamm to consider the entire content of my texts so they were not taken out of context, which would easily show no reason for anyone to fear for their safety, Judicial Officer Teri Shamm replied ¡°the content doesn¡¯t matter¡±. How could the content not matter in a restraining order hearing? In other words, I could''ve threatened the lives of all those protected on the order and it wouldn''t have mattered? That the mere act of contacting the protected party after she told me not to was enough for a 5-year restraining order protecting four people? In every sense of the statement I''ve provided above about a judge¡¯s adjudicative duties, Judicial Officer Teri Shamm was in complete violation of during my hearing and within her ruling.

    Restraining orders were put in place to protect battered women who fear for their safety, not those who are afraid of being honest with the people around them. This was clearly, and Judicial Officer Shamm knew from the very beginning, about a fear of exposure or a fear of a loss of reputation. Anya Caiaphas was granted a 5 year restraining order protecting 4 individuals (2 of which were children I never contacted nor threatened to contact) without any evidence of injuries or threats made (because there were none).

    I would also like the commission to know I would never suggest such impropriety about a judge unless I felt very strongly about it. It¡¯s not really about the restraining order itself but rather the principle of the circumstances surrounding its existence and its magnitude. I have recognized my faults with the protected party and did what I believed was necessary to defend myself, but I know this was accomplished within the context of the law. I¡¯m not out to destroy someone¡¯s career here, I wouldn''t appreciate it if someone did the same to me, but my life has been unfairly affected by this order. I¡¯m not perfect here however I can assure the commission I¡¯ve done nothing deserving of a restraining order of this magnitude.

    In closing, I would like to ask the Commission on Judicial Performance to please review Judicial Officer Teri Shamm¡¯s conduct during my hearing. The fact that a private courtroom was provided to Anya Caiaphas and a 5-year restraining order was granted with zero evidence of any acts of physical violence nor any threat of, should clearly show there was something wrong and unfair about the ruling I received from her.

    I cannot thank you enough for your attention to this matter.

    Sincerely,

    Landyn Lastman

    Just three days after mailing the letter, the Commission confirmed its receipt and would be reviewing the information before advising at a later date about their ruling in the matter. This intentional act to destroy my life put me in defense mode by keeping the pressure on the corrupt forces who did favors for Jackson; likely trying to get the most out of their political contributions to his campaign. Let''s see if they were willing to put their reputations on the line protecting people they knew of but didn''t really know.

    Like living in a middle eastern war torn city, making sense of a life turned completely unrecognizable became imperative. Without devoting time to this lingering mental anguish would only leave me in a more unsustainable condition of life. My pill dependence took precedence over any affordable medical insurance option for me as the continued recession left my business in peril--a sole proprietorship offering flexible payment terms for bookkeeping services to two struggling restaurants clients and a public company that manufactured a durable medical product. Clients who were cheated by their past accountants in dire need of competent financial reporting and recordkeeping from a certified public accountant. With my mission statement blossoming into an envisioned niche of helping struggling businesses become successful ones, brought back some of the passion missing in my life¡ªan attempt to cash in on an extremely altruistic approach to business. It didn¡¯t take long to realize, it only led to being taken advantage of, just like the other women in my life did.

    One of my clients, who was being evicted from their office space of twenty-five years, asked if I wanted to purchase an office desk set for a thousand dollars¡ªfour pieces made of beautifully polished oak worth five thousand. These purchase terms were quickly agreed to, deducting it from the three thousand owed to me and turning my living room into a legitimate home office space. One desk had a large flat glass top--enough room for three computer monitors and for spreading papers out. The more legitimate my business began to feel, the more fraudulent I became knowing my mind wasn¡¯t where it should be. Continuing to work for clients who paid when they felt like it because the addiction left me too euphoric to care.

    Spending so much time focused on building a business, while nursing a drug addiction, stole time away from me. My last visit with my mother nearly a month ago; the rest of days being swept away by my disposition to how the restraining order hearing went down. The very day the order was filed, I knew my addiction issues would only get worse. It''s when it became necessary to locate the outside source for pills, not wanting to burden or worry my mother. There was no way to get by on her stash alone and by getting something stronger, she wouldn''t worry about me needing them from her as much anymore.

    Super excited about the new office furniture, I made a surprise visit. Upon arriving, nothing seemed out of the ordinary¡ªas usual my father wasn''t home, and my mother was in her room watching the ¡°Golden Girls¡± seated at the edge of her bed covered in a pink fleece throw blanket. Although I made fun of the show, it gave a sense of comfort now seeing it on her modest fifteen-inch flat screen television¡ªknowing something in my life didn¡¯t change so drastically. The show started rubbing off in a good way¡ªmore relatable now as a middle-aged adult. Pleasantly surprised to see me, it seemed, I gave her a quick hug and kiss before placing my hand on her bald head to rub it like a crystal ball before playfully moving it from side to side.

    She hummed while moving her neck in tandem with my movements. ¡°Ommmmmm¡­do you see your future?¡±

    ¡°Very cloudy.¡± I replied before pulling away and sitting down on the dull pink recliner at the end of her bed. ¡°It told me to try again later.¡±

    ¡°Are you here for drugs?¡± she blurted.

    ¡°Here for drugs? I always come to see you.¡±

    ¡°Sure.¡±

    ¡°But since you mentioned it¡­¡± I joked.

    She then rose up from her bed, reaching into her top dresser drawer. ¡°Just got a refill yesterday. Please don¡¯t take them all¡ªI need them now.¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s okay. I don¡¯t wanna take any if you need them.¡± I told her refusing to take the bottle she tried to hand off. ¡°I only took em¡¯ because you told me you didn¡¯t.¡±

    Giving me a side way glance, she spoke. ¡°You¡¯re not getting them from somewhere else, are you?¡±

    ¡°Of course not.¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t trust you.¡± Saying as she shook her head, seemingly knowing something about the pills I''ve yet to realize. ¡°Take this, please. I¡¯d rather you have them from me...a trusted source.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m trying to get off them." I told her, still refusing to take the bottle while desperately fighting back the urge to snatch it from her grasp. "I came here to see you."

    ¡°What¡¯s going on?¡± she asked, skepticism etched on her face. ¡°Have you been gettin'' paid?¡±

    ¡°One of my clients promised me something next week. One of my other clients though, sold me an office furniture set last week. I have it set up in my apartment.¡±

    ¡°How much did they ask for?¡±

    ¡°A thousand.¡±

    ¡°A thousand dollars?¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s not an office supply store desk you take home and assemble, but a gorgeous oak office furniture set with two file cabinets and two desks, one with a flat glass top and one with a lighted credenza.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯d love to come by to see it.¡±

    ¡°Why not next week?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯ll ask your father if he wants to go. I¡¯m sure he¡¯d like to see it too.¡±

    ¡°Maybe we can go to lunch?" I suggested. "There are some nice places to eat nearby.¡±

    ¡°That would be fun, Honey!¡± She exclaimed, slightly shivering underneath the blanket.

    My mother rarely got out of the house anymore¡ªmy father driving her anywhere they went together. I couldn¡¯t remember the last time I saw her behind the wheel. It seemed ever since that lady at the store made fun of her wig, she hardly ventured anywhere but to a doctor¡¯s office. She would never admit that, but I knew better after putting myself on lock down when Anya left me¡ªmy depression immobilizing me enough to despise being out in public¡ªlosing trust in the goodness of people.

    ¡°How you holdin¡¯ up?¡± she asked, catching me off guard.

    ¡°Holdin¡¯ up? What do you mean?¡±

    ¡°What happened to your appeal?¡±

    Shaking my head at her. ¡°They denied it.¡±

    Her eyes widened. ¡°How come?¡±

    ¡°I filed it twenty-three days past the deadline.¡± I replied, grabbing her wooden back scratcher from off the edge of her bed.

    ¡°Did you explain your financial hardship to them?¡±

    I nodded, tapping the long wooden itch reliever in the palm of my left hand. ¡°Sure did.¡±

    Covering herself up with the blanket a little more. ¡°And they still denied it?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m afraid that¡¯s the way the system works, Mom.¡± I told her, smacking the pink cocoon she wrapped herself in with the scratcher.

    Pretending to be hurt by my action she lunged towards me sideways. ¡°Stop it, Landy! Are you going to get your money back?¡±

    ¡°Nope.¡± I said, lightly hitting the top of her head with it, a light slap being heard. ¡°They won¡¯t refund the money...it¡¯s all on me.¡±

    She gasped. ¡°How much did it cost you?¡±

    ¡°A little over a grand.¡± I told her, tossing the wooden convenience tool back on top of her bed. ¡°I had to pay for the court transcript too...that cost me three hundred twenty-five dollars and I haven¡¯t even received that yet from the court reporter. The clerk at the courthouse should¡¯ve checked the filing dates to make sure I was still eligible to file the appeal before they took my check. After they accepted payment, it seemed they also gave me the go ahead to file.¡±

    ¡°What courthouse was it?¡±

    ¡°The same one I had the restraining order hearing at.¡±

    ¡°Go figure.¡± she said, shaking her head. ¡°Well, you probably don¡¯t wanna hear this from me, but I¡¯m sure¡­¡±

    ¡°God has a reason for everything¡­whatever.¡± I sighed, finishing her sentence. ¡°It just couldn¡¯t be the way they do things there? They didn¡¯t single me out. I filed a complaint with the Naples Estates Police Complaint Commission and was able to get the incident report they initially denied me. I even wrote a letter to the Commission on Judicial Performance complaining about the judge¡¯s behavior that day. So, we¡¯ll see what happens.¡±

    My mother¡¯s concerned eyes fell to the floor. ¡°What are you feeling for Anya?¡±

    ¡°Her husband is behind all of this.¡± I told her, my eyes unable to meet hers. ¡°If she doesn¡¯t go along with this, he¡¯ll use the powerful and corrupt people he knows to help wrest custody of the kids away from her.¡±

    She nodded, her eyes back on me. ¡°You still love her.¡±

    ¡°There¡¯ll always be this part of me that does. I thought sending her gifts back would allow me to purge her from my heart and move on.¡± I answered, then pausing to gather my thoughts, rubbing my eyes before they could reveal the pain not even the four Vicodin pills taken just before arriving could hide. ¡°It didn¡¯t work. Now, I¡¯ll just have to figure out a way to live without someone I¡¯ll always love.¡±

    ¡°Was her husband at the hearing?¡±

    ¡°Yep, don''t you remember I called from the courthouse? Told you he was trying to provoke me?"

    "Oh, that''s right."

    "They came walking in hand in hand. Even after all the horrible things she told me about him¡ªit made me sick, but it was part of the game.¡±

    ¡°I see.¡± she remarked, pulling the blanket tighter upon herself. ¡°If he has that much control over her, she shouldn¡¯t have allowed you to feel anything for her.¡±

    ¡°I agree, but I guess she tried to warn me by giving me other reasons why she was afraid to disappoint me.¡± I explained. ¡°Yet she never felt the same fear of disappointment I did.¡±

    My mother propped herself up, moving her shoulders back then pausing for about fifteen seconds before responding without looking in my direction.

    ¡°She played you for a fool.¡±

    She always criticized me for having, what she perceived to be, a lack of common sense but to imply I was stupid could spill over boiled blood. To be bold enough to tell me that living the last five years of my life was a complete denial to my own eyes, to my own heart, to my own mind, to my own soul. That everything around me was always black and white even in a multicolored situation. That the significance of the second day of June for the last five years should mean as much as a Monday. I expected to see Anya¡¯s hand in the hoof of a pig at the courthouse. I expected them to try and rattle me so they could escape before noon, to further the carrying on of the fa?ade of their marriage. What I never foresaw was the private courtroom set up for the steal by their political donors and the favors done in the dark. All to keep their spotless image alive while they murdered the good and genuine, or the people according to my mother, the fools.

    Her words made a four-pill induced euphoria abruptly wear off, creating an irritability like a fly hovering over a delicious meal. An unsettling came over me, my mouth ready to spew forth what my tortured mind conjured from her thoughtless critique. Before ripping into her insensitivity, something stopped me like death itself¡ªthe sight of her staring deeply into a muted television screen. Halting my emotions, my eyes shifted upon her face and then her neck, noticing how her skin sagged more than normal, like it was melting away from her cheek bones. I then stared at her as deeply as she stared at the quiet screen, both of us submerged in stillness. Twenty seconds passed without a spoken word or a single movement from her, even as she knew a secret was about to be removed from her bag. And she also knew, without a doubt, it had nothing to do with what she just told me, but with everything she didn¡¯t tell me or anyone. Refusing to take my eyes off her until she acknowledged the eyes she knew were on her, but she never caved, keeping her eyes on a silent screen--refusing a different kind of criticism than what she just dished out.If you come across this story on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.

    ¡°How are you, Mom?¡± I asked, breaking the silence without altering my stare.

    ¡°I¡¯m good, honey.¡± she replied, remaining fixated on nothing.

    There was nothing left for her to sell. Her bone protruding profile giving her away, like the blanket she hid under on a hot August day. I then nodded before posing the question.

    ¡°Do you think you¡¯ll make it to Christmas?¡±

    ¡°Oh, I¡¯ll make it to Christmas.¡± She nodded defiantly, moving her focus back to me.

    ¡°Good¡­because I¡¯m holdin¡¯ you to that.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m really tired¡­¡± she replied, before pausing. ¡°But I¡¯m not givin¡¯ up.¡±

    I may have been a fool in her eyes, but had no reason to believe she wouldn¡¯t tell me if her doctors gave a specific timeframe. She didn¡¯t appreciate it when her mother hid the severity of her illness¡ªno way she would burden me with that kind of surprise. As our time together ended, for the first time in two years my thoughts shifted away from my anguish over Anya to my mother who got lost in the shuffle of my infected mind. It¡¯s not like her battle was forgotten, but my visits did decrease after she dismissed the heart pendant on my birthday. As my sole confidant, her lack of support put me in defense mode, unwittingly penalizing her in an effort to avoid having uncomfortable conversations about our differences in opinion. My mother was just being herself though, a true honest person, but there were more layers involved and peeling each back may lead to more disconnect at the worst possible time. There was no animosity on my end, just a subconscious avoidance of disturbing her peace until learning differently. Admittingly though, I''ve been selfish and it needed to change. She needed me there because she was fighting this battle alone with my father working at the park so much, apparently avoiding reality as well.

    The way she didn¡¯t meet my gaze, the vision of her sitting there intentionally ignoring me, her eyes fixated on nothing in complete dread of having her secret blown to pieces haunted me on the ride home. The man with no common sense having some¡ªthe first witness to the toll her twenty plus years cancer battle took; the end of the road to a positive spirit she gained from an entity whose existence came into question by her only son. Now in my early forties, my share of problems were there but paled in comparison to hers on the surface because internally it sure didn¡¯t feel like it¡ªwhat happens when experiences cannot be felt. She didn¡¯t see me on my hands and knees on a cold tiled kitchen floor spotting a dirt covered pill hiding just below the sink. She knew how clean I was¡ªhow if a fly even flew by my food, I would¡¯ve gone without eating that day. And she didn¡¯t see that same man throw the pill down without a second¡¯s hesitation¡ªneeding the twenty-minute high like it was his first meal in months. Then again that same man didn¡¯t know what it felt like to sit in a chair taking a chemical that ultimately wrecks every good cell you have¡ªsitting next to new people each week because those from the previous week couldn''t make it to their next round.

    Most people saw what my mother did, but my purposeful dependence on a pill forbade me from accepting their blindness. Acknowledging their belief would be my life''s end and with a mother who fought for hers daily, taking mine would betray all the reasons she found to continue. She would have an easier time beating back cancer than having her heart broken by a weak selfish son. Before this whole ordeal with restraining orders and appeals, courtrooms and judges, love was a dead dream but hope carried on. Without the pill, hope would perish as well. There was no shame in my love for Anya¡ªit was pure, true and right from my perspective. It was never taken lightly and if knowing from the onset the happiness of her kids would be jeopardized, I would¡¯ve never pursued the relationship. Anya not being honest in the beginning didn¡¯t make her a bad mother¡ªan argument I rejected; it only made her a bad girlfriend. If anything, it pointed to the damage inflicted by a self-absorbed husband who dishonored her heart and the everyday contributions she made. By simply going into that good night, like the others hurt before me, he remains unaccountable. Through the painkillers, it allowed Anya, and others, time to see the truth; she couldn¡¯t have played me for a fool, it only seemed that way. Although it appeared to the naked heart she chose Jackson over me, I refused to believe it because seeing what everyone else saw would only lead me to a bridge.

    The morning of my parents¡¯ visit, I downed three Vicodin to deal with the anxiety--they''ve never visited me before in the fourteen years since I moved away. My father was extremely critical at times and the fear he would say something negative made me apprehensive. They estimated their arrival time at ten-thirty but requested them to call a minute before arriving so I could let them inside the complex. At about ten-forty, the door of my apartment slowly opened¡ª a door I never left unlocked.

    ¡°Knock, knock.¡± cracked a feeble cautious voice.

    Quickly turning around while seated at my desk, I jumped up acknowledging the voice with a smile¡ªthe euphoria from the painkillers taking effect. And even with a sun filled blue sky in the background, the euphoric episode suddenly died when several seconds feeling like minutes passed before recognizing my own mother. On my approach to hug her, my mind reconfigured itself by instinctively pretending my mother''s stunning physical transformation was not real. But the sunlit outline of her body magnified ten-fold what I witnessed just a few days earlier. She had clearly lost no less than forty pounds, her arms nearly pure bone. When I saw my father appear from behind her, my acting continued, but hugging him too only threatened to blow my cover.

    ¡°Well, what do you think?¡± I asked, trying my best to hide my disbelief.

    ¡°Do you have a maid?¡± she inquired, looking around my living room while situating the light purple cloth covering her bare head.

    I laughed. ¡°A maid? This is all me!"

    ¡°Oh wow. I never knew you could be so clean.¡± She jabbed with a smirk.

    ¡°Mrs. Clean probably thought Mr. Clean never kept anything clean either.¡±

    ¡°Nice furniture, son.¡± Remarked my father, as he rubbed his hand along the glass top of my desk. ¡°Really nice.¡±

    ¡°Thanks.¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s gorgeous, honey. Looks like you got a good deal on it.¡±

    ¡°I think so.¡± I replied, still trying not to give myself away. ¡°I don¡¯t think I¡¯ll be needing any office furniture anytime soon.¡±

    My mother then took a deep breath. ¡°Well, I guess I¡¯ll just leave the cleaning supplies in the car.¡±

    ¡°Cleaning supplies? What?¡±

    ¡°Your mother wanted to come by to clean your place.¡± My father revealed.

    ¡°Are you kidding? I invited you over to see my place, not clean it.¡±

    ¡°Oh, you know how much I enjoy cleaning.¡± She resigned, a tone of disappointment in her voice.

    ¡°Oh, do I!¡± I joked, trying to keep things light.

    I knew cleaning the house kept my mother''s mind off her battle and was healthy for her. It made her feel somewhat whole again and needed, but I wouldn''t have felt right about it. My mother had already given me far more in life than I ever deserved--she didn''t need to clean my apartment to be needed. As my parents took a tour of my immaculate, at the moment, living quarters, both taking turns complimenting it, my mother¡¯s weakened health ruled my thoughts. She wasn¡¯t emaciated but appeared to be just a few missed meals away from anorexia. After ten minutes, we jumped in my car to try a small sandwich shop a couple of blocks away. As we sat there having lunch, my mother ordered a salad while my father and I each had a turkey sandwich.

    ¡°I can¡¯t eat it.¡± she informed us, forcing a smile while using her hands to fan her mouth. ¡°It burns too much.¡±

    I just sat there observing my mother still trying to give me the impression nothing was different in her life. Either my father was in on it, or likely completely oblivious to it because his denial of my mother¡¯s illness was reaching legendary status. Or maybe we were both just overwhelmed by her sudden metamorphosis.

    ¡°Have you not been able to eat much?¡± I inquired. ¡°Are the sores worse now than when you showed me on my birthday?¡±

    ¡°Not only are they all over my mouth, but I can¡¯t get anything down. It hurts too much to swallow. The cancer was being aggressive so they had to increase the chemo treatments¡± she told me, trying to catch her breath. ¡°They¡¯re going to lighten up the chemo treatments now.¡±

    ¡°Can they lighten up the chemo treatments?¡± I asked. ¡°You know, without jeopardizing anything?¡±

    ¡°They have to, Landy.¡± she spoke lowly, shaking her head. ¡°I can¡¯t live like this.¡±

    ¡°Can you take something intravenously then? You need to eat.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯d just throw it up, Hon.¡± she replied, shaking her head again. ¡°I¡¯m okay.¡±

    My mother was just sick of everything. Sick of all the chemo. Sick of having no hair. Sick of having to wear a wig in public. Sick of all the bad news. Her spirit was dying, just like my spirit died when I lost Anya. For the first time, because I¡¯ve felt this before in a different capacity, I saw my mother wanting to give up, her eternal positive outlook completely drained. Her twenty-year battle entering another stage beyond her control. A harsh truth intolerable to all of us, knowing how much our lives would change.

    After our hour lunch and the most sobering day of my life, I walked my parents back to their car. I gave my father another hug before giving my mother a much longer one; afraid to put too much pressure against her bony frail frame. Before I could wave good-bye and thank them for visiting, my mother reached into her purse and put an orange plastic bottle in my hand before opening the car door to get inside.

    ¡°I won''t be able to get anymore for another month.¡± she whispered, pointing a finger at me. "Be smart with them, please."

    I nodded then stared at the bottle in my hand in disgust, knowing I was too weak to hand the full bottle of Vicodin back to her and knowing it was a promise I could no longer keep.

    Before she got inside, I wanted to yell ¡°Let¡¯s do this again soon!¡±, but something told me that wouldn¡¯t be happening, reluctantly waving good-bye instead.

    After returning to the apartment, I placed the bottle on my new desk and stared at it angrily; my mother''s trust soon to be betrayed. Leaving her with no choice but to feed my addiction because she worried my weakness was being nourished in dangerous places. For the first time, the real possibility of losing my mother, my biggest fan and last supporter, left me deeply unsettled. To know she would likely go to the grave with a heavy heart for a lousy son who simply couldn¡¯t deal with what life threw at him. That instead of focusing on her terminal illness, she had to focus on my mental illness too. Yes, I¡¯ve had my fair share of criticisms for women, especially when one lies to a judge after pouring your heart and soul into her, but women were truly incredible¡ªwhy I could never be a misogynist. My mother was a hundred times stronger than I could ever be in her situation. It only goes to prove we only truly know what we actually experience--the only true witnesses to our own suffering. The greatest sense of guilt drowned me knowing my inability to cope with the trauma of heartbreak added exponentially to her fatigue with life. That if she had a stronger son, preferably one with a relationship with God, her spirit would not be dying. To bear witness to her feeling of dread and defeat, after years of seeing the exact opposite, would only accelerate my downward spiral.

    Her visit brought me back to when I was twelve years old. It was around the first week of December and I was busy organizing my baseball cards when she approached me with a very important question.

    ¡°What do you want for Christmas?¡± she asked with widened hazel eyes, smiling.

    ¡°An electric football game.¡± I quickly replied.

    ¡°An electric football game? Where¡¯d you see that at?¡±

    ¡°They have them at Newberry¡¯s.¡±

    ¡°Where you get the one cent sundaes?¡±

    ¡°Yep! I just got these rack packs from there and saw it earlier.¡± I told her, showing her my baseball cards. "I got a Tony Gwynn rookie card."

    ¡°What are you gonna do with an electric football game?¡± she inquired, placing her hands on her hips.

    ¡°I wanted to start a league with Vance and Johnny.¡±

    ¡°Do you want something else?¡± She asked. ¡°Maybe a few Choose Your Own Adventure books from B. Dalton?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯ll take those instead.¡± I told her, realizing the electric football game may have been too much to ask for. I had been eyeballing the electric football game for months, but it was something my father wouldn''t approve of--a game that ran on electricity instead of batteries. He complained about lights being left on in the house and paying the electric bill too many times for me to believe otherwise.

    My mother asked me to put a list together and I quickly did so, adding a Member¡¯s Only jacket and a new Easton aluminum baseball bat to it before handing it off to her.

    Later that afternoon, I went to the kitchen sink to get a glass of water, and saw my mother pull into the driveway--having no idea she left the house. My eyes followed her exit from our old white and brown Mercury Bobcat Villager wagon and watched her open the hatchback removing a large thin white and green box¡ªthe electric football game. As she disappeared behind it, struggling to walk it from the driveway into the backyard, I didn¡¯t know how to feel¡ªelated or guilty? One thing was sure¡ªthe same day I asked for the electric football game for Christmas was the same day she went and picked it up. On Christmas day my acting skills were put to the ultimate test¡ªnever suspecting I witnessed her act of kindness even to this day. The schism between that Christmas morning and now though, could not have been any wider¡ªto know I was too weak and selfish to do something equivalent for her.

    Two weeks after her visit, my mother did a rare thing¡ªshe called me. I usually initiated our phone calls but after starting the business, fatigue claimed me by the end of the day. My addiction surely fueled an unwillingness to phone her; the pills making me both irritable and ultra-sensitive. Before getting swallowed alive by client needs, I called every other day to check in, but with so many things weighing me down, I worried about checking in with baggage. If I called more frequently after witnessing her frailty, the sudden special attention might scare her when she was trying to feel normal. My personal life began bleeding profusely within my professional life and I honestly didn''t know how to handle it all--the drugs turning me into a moody person. Walking out during work to deal with this toll became several time occurrences a day. With my thoughts on my mother, the drama of the restraining order, and clients who depended on me nearly ten hours a day was more than enough ammunition to consider giving up. Without the pills and the euphoria they provided, giving me a false sense of the passion in life I''ve lost, my business would¡¯ve failed. I feared talking to my mother might spur these issues of mine to be dumped on her in the unfairest of ways. I could no longer afford to be selfish and, for the most part, the reason I called her less.

    ¡°How are you, Honey?¡±

    ¡°Things are startin'' to look up.¡± I told her, on a four pill Vicodin high. ¡°Had a client pay me five thousand dollars the other day so they¡¯re current. It¡¯s the other client I have to worry about now.¡±

    ¡°How much does the other client owe you?¡±

    ¡°About twenty-five thousand.¡±

    ¡°Twenty-five thousand?¡± she yelled. ¡°Do you think they¡¯ll pay you?¡±

    ¡°I wouldn¡¯t have continued slaving for them if I thought they wouldn¡¯t.¡± I replied, irritated by her question.

    ¡°That¡¯s good.¡± she said, a near whisper. ¡°I worry about you, Landy.¡±

    ¡°Please don¡¯t. Things will turn around and I¡¯ll be back on my feet.¡± I told her, the Vicodin high kicking into top gear.

    ¡°Honey, I¡¯m sorry if I''ve said anything about Anya that offended you.¡± she broke. ¡°I¡¯m your mother and I just want you to be well. I know how much you love her still and it¡¯s not easy to hear what I say.¡±

    ¡°I know why you said it.¡± I replied, a little shaken up by her unexpected acknowledgement. ¡°And who¡¯s to say she didn¡¯t play me for a fool? It¡¯s on me if I choose to ignore what everyone else sees, but in my defense, I¡¯m not that blind¡ªI knew her more than anyone. If I don¡¯t have love to believe in, there¡¯s not much left for me to believe.¡±

    She coughed then cleared her throat before telling me. ¡°Don¡¯t ever change, Landy. Don¡¯t let anyone who¡¯s ever wronged you change you. You¡¯re a good man with a good heart. Most women are looking for a man like you.¡±

    ¡°Maybe in the fifties, or even the sixties, but It¡¯s a different world now.¡± I replied, trying not to disagree with her. ¡°Considerate and romantic men are only appreciated when they have something to offer, and that¡¯s okay. I¡¯ve accepted the world the way it is. I just have to be smarter about it and no longer wear my heart on my sleeve. I should''ve learned that before Anya, but I trusted her too much.¡±

    ¡°My only wish is for you to find God.¡± She gambled. ¡°That you one day believe in Him and trust Him. I wouldn¡¯t have made it this far without God. I¡¯m living proof He exists.¡±

    ¡°Thanks.¡± I told her, trying not to steal her hope while knowing its impossibility. ¡°We¡¯ll see.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯d be surprised how much your life could change for the better¡ªHe¡¯s a game changer.¡± She stated. ¡°Okay, honey I¡¯m going to bed. I had a long day of treatment and I¡¯m tired.¡±

    ¡°Okay, I¡¯ll come by on Friday to watch a movie and whack you with your back scratcher.¡±

    ¡°No smackin'' me with my back scratcher!¡± she quipped. ¡°And I already gave you a whole bottle of pills so there¡¯s nothing left to give you.¡±

    ¡°Please, I¡¯m not coming not by for any drugs. Just comin'' by to hang out.¡±

    ¡°Okay, Honey." She replied, coughing. "Goodnight. Love you.¡±

    ¡°Goodnight. Love you too.¡±

    After our conversation, her wish for me to find God was hard to hear. It was like telling a paraplegic her dying wish was for them to walk again¡ªneeding a miracle to happen. After all my disappointments on earth, I¡¯ve lost too much faith in humanity to believe those made in His image defined goodness. Not all people were bad, there were a lot of good people on earth, but they were far and few between¡ªtoo distant to believe in. It broke my heart being unable to make that promise to her¡ªa simple request within her simple mind. To say my mother was simple minded wasn¡¯t a put down, it was an admirable quality in today''s twisted world, but ignorance was truly bliss. The less you know, the better off you are. I knew a different part of the world through Anya¡ªI¡¯ve seen evil manifest through her. Not that Anya was ¡°evil¡± but her influences were. I couldn¡¯t believe in someone who left me convinced they were never there for me¡ªonly using Him to make others feel guilty about their actions, the way my mother instilled Him in me to make me feel guilty about mine. If He was looking out for me, He¡¯d have given me Anya, not the apparition. Not the woman who lied to a judge that I threatened to kidnap her kids and ransacked her car. He would¡¯ve protected me from the demons who influenced her¡ªthose who conspired against me. Anya would¡¯ve found the strength to do the right thing if He loved me. Instead, He left me believing there was no manager of good in my life, only giving my mother, a devout lover of Him, a death sentence¡ªpunishing someone who trusted Him. God had a ton to atone for if He wanted my trust. And even with God, it had to be earned, not just given. The only thing He gave me was a wonderful mother¡ªmy only blessing in life. At this point, if He loved me, He would be merciful and end me.

    The next day, an uneventful Tuesday on the twenty-fifth day of September in twenty-twelve, I found myself being visited by an angry investor in the restaurant demanding to know why my client was struggling. He was an older gentleman, grey-haired and balding, likely in his early seventies.

    ¡°You manage the books, right?¡± He asked, his sun tattered face flushed red. ¡°You must know what¡¯s going on.¡±

    ¡°I understand your concerns, but I think you need to talk with Neil.¡± I told him, trying to calm him down.

    Shaking his head, he fumed. ¡°He won''t return my calls!¡±

    ¡°He has pancreatic cancer and has been in and out of treatment every day.¡± I informed him. ¡°He¡¯s in everyday though so he must not be feeling well enough to call. I will let him know you came by. What¡¯s your name, Sir?¡±

    ¡°Jerry Limer.¡± He tersely replied, reluctantly meeting my handshake, his small belly protruding from underneath his untucked sea blue Tommy Bahama shirt. ¡°Where¡¯s he at now?¡±

    ¡°Landyn Lastman, nice to meet you Mr. Limer. He¡¯s at his treatment. Maybe we can arrange another board meeting to address your concerns?¡± I offered. ¡°I don¡¯t want to go over his head. He¡¯s the boss.¡±

    ¡°He really has pancreatic cancer?¡± he asked with skepticism etched across his face.

    I nodded, looking him in the eye in disbelief he questioned its truth.

    ¡°A lot of the other investors don¡¯t believe it.¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s hard to believe too because he hasn¡¯t missed a day of work here.¡± I elaborated, smiling. ¡°Unfortunately, it''s true and he¡¯s in a lot of discomfort. Sometimes it takes him five minutes to get comfortable before he can even talk to with me about the daily numbers.¡±

    At that moment, I felt my cell phone vibrating on silent mode in my pocket.

    ¡°Alright, well tell him I stopped by. Another board meeting would be a good idea. He needs to keep us informed. We¡¯re hearing rumors that he¡¯s giving the restaurant to his manager, Ray.¡±

    ¡°If I may ask, who¡¯d you hear that from?¡± I asked, unnerved by all these false rumors.

    ¡°Ray.¡± He deadpanned.

    ¡°Interesting.¡± I responded, agitation swelling within. ¡°That might explain all the comps he¡¯s been giving away each night. I¡¯ll discuss it with Neil.¡±

    ¡°Ray also told us it''s Neil¡¯s accountants that are rippin'' us off.¡±

    ¡°With all due respect Mr. Limer, if there was a shred of truth to that I¡¯d be running in the opposite direction right now.¡± I laughed, annoyed by Ray¡¯s misrepresentations. ¡°I can assure you that¡¯s not happening¡ªmaybe with the accountants before me, but definitely not now.¡±

    Mr. Limer nodded his head, appearing to see the logic behind my response. ¡°Please let Neil know I was here.¡±

    ¡°Absolutely.¡± I nodded, extending my hand out and shaking his one more time before he left the office.

    After his exit, I got caught in the quagmire of Ray¡¯s depiction of the restaurant¡¯s accounting affairs. His modus operandi was clear--hand out comps on high-priced alcohol and food items then claim the restaurant was struggling financially in order to steal it from the investors and my client. I talked with Ray daily at the restaurant when pulling the receipts and report totals from the POS system each night before manually entering them into the accounting software. They were behind ten months of accounting for daily receipts before I came aboard and got them all caught up in about three months. He gave me a lot of info about what was going on at the restaurant and always provided me with all the invoices and other documentation needed each night. To find out he told an investor that the accountant was ¡°stealing" from the restaurant disturbed me greatly--especially after not being paid in nearly three months and working with them so they could remain in business. Little did Mr. Limer or any of the other investors know, that if I were to quit the restaurant was doomed. It would fall into Ray¡¯s greedy hands overnight.

    While contemplating whether or not to confront Ray, I checked my phone to see who called, expecting it to be the usual spam, but it was a voicemail left by an unknown number--my parents landline.

    ¡°Son, it¡¯s me, Dad. Just wanted to let you know Mom is in the hospital with a little pneumonia. Harbor City Hospital, room B-7. Okay? I¡¯ll talk to you later.¡±

    After hearing my father¡¯s message, and since my client¡¯s office was in Long Beach only twenty minutes away, I planned to visit her after leaving work for the day.

    After negotiating a fifth installment payment program with the State Board of Equalization and fighting off the urge to talk with Ray, I headed for Harbor City. Since I hated hospitals, I first decided to stop at my parents¡¯ house to see if maybe she was home already. Since my father described it as a ¡°little¡± pneumonia and she¡¯s stayed overnight at the hospital before with more aggressive bouts, she was likely already home. After seeing both cars in the driveway and the lights on in the living room, it appeared to be just a precautionary trip for her.

    ¡°Yoo Hoo! It¡¯s me!¡± I loudly announced upon entering the house.

    To my surprise, no one answered. Continuing towards my mother''s room I came upon a rare sight--no sounds were blaring from her fifteen-inch flatscreen and her door was wide open. Thinking my parents likely grabbed dinner after returning home from the hospital, I walked about her room noting nothing out of the ordinary; other than the stillness of it all. I then walked past her room into the usually quiet den noticing the peaceful fireplace--bringing back decades long memories of when my mother would start a fire then bring me a cup of hot chocolate while I studied. After my trip back to when life was tolerable, I ventured back inside her bedroom. It was then I noticed a strange sight on top of a standing white plastic tray table leaning against her bed¡ªtwo grape cough syrup-stained Vicodin pills in a small glass bowl. Did she leave them out for me? She knew I had enough Vicodin pills so why would she leave these out like this? She only had a slight case of pneumonia and would be back soon anyway. Taking a deeper look at the cough syrup smudged pills, there seemed to carry a franticness in their appearance. When I noticed an entirely empty large bottle of Nyquil on the floor beside her bed, appearing to have fallen off her dresser, it all seemed surreal. Was she trying to fight off a very serious cough with medicine designed for only the common cold and flu?

    At this point, I didn¡¯t know whether to go to the hospital or stay put until someone came home. The lights were left on with no one home--something my father was religiously against. There was just no way he had any plans of staying the night at the hospital if he left the lights on--they had to be out having dinner. As much as my father denied my mother¡¯s illness, he¡¯d never leave her side at the hospital, and knowing that, he¡¯d never leave the lights on if he wasn''t returning home soon. Attempting to kill some time, along with it being a rare occurrence to be alone in the house, I began snooping inside the top drawer of my mother''s little white desk. Expecting to find nothing but pens and paperclips, there were several scattered folded pieces of paper inside. Plucking one of them out for inspection, a folded yellow piece of paper revealed a letter she wrote on July 22nd, 2006.

    This is in response to Don Vanderway¡¯s article in the Daily Gale about ¡°The Fourth of July is not the same¡±. Of course, it¡¯s not the same. Especially when you have to hose down your house, tranquilize your pets, close all your windows and doors just to get through the fourth!

    Long gone are the days of sparklers and Piccolo Petes. The backyard fireworks of today are illegal and dangerous, and anyone who has them should not be allowed the ¡°personal freedom¡± to use them.

    They have the potential of burning down a house, causing brush fires and also causing bodily injuries. Cities and states are not telling you how to celebrate or to not celebrate the fourth. They are telling you those fireworks are illegal because they are dangerous.

    If someone¡¯s house were to catch on fire, would you, Mr. Vanderway, or anyone else who feels the way you do, take responsibility? I think not.

    Mr. Vanderway to make this statement ¡°if this freedom is taken away perhaps we should burn our flags and protest¡± is the most ridiculous and uneducated statement I have ever read. I bet the people who fought and died in WWI, WWII, and Vietnam to name a few, did so just so you could use illegal fireworks that are dangerous to others.

    Fireworks should be used in a safe environment by professionals, not by people who think their ¡°personal freedoms¡± are more important than a consideration for others.

    After reading her strongly worded letter to Mr. Vanderway, an opinion section from a newspaper was stapled to its back¡ªthey had printed my mother¡¯s letter. I couldn¡¯t help but laugh that she not only gave her home address at the end of her "commentary" but her phone number as well--in case Mr. Vanderway dared to feel the inclination. No doubt my feisty spirit came from her¡ªsomething I wouldn¡¯t have traded for anything in the world, even if it got me in trouble with the world.

    After going through the top drawer, I grabbed the small knob just below it and pulled down¡ªanother folded yellow piece of paper suddenly fell to the floor. Picking it up and unfolding it, it was another letter, this one handwritten.

    Bless me Father for I have sinned. My last confession was ? years ago. I confess to the almighty God and to you, Father.

    These are my sins.

    1 - did not go to church

    2 ¨C lied/fibbed

    3 ¨C talked about other people

    4 ¨C went to a fortune teller

    5 ¨C dislike people

    6 - took a glass, straws etc. etc.

    7 ¨C cussing

    I¡¯m sorry for these sins and for the sins of my entire life!

    Amen

    Bless you father.

    After reading her personal confession, it made me sad to think she couldn¡¯t fully embrace religion, but she loved God with her heart and soul. She went to mass at church, maybe talked to a priest or two, but never involved with a congregation. It was easy to see how the way people participated in religion, coming off as hypocrites, turned people off to God¡ªmaybe even being the reason I didn¡¯t believe. More than anything, reading this letter suggested she was preparing for something she knew. A confession to knowing things she wouldn¡¯t allow us to know.

    Inside the front drawer of the desk, there was a small spiral notebook that caught my eye. Inside the first few pages were more notes of hers, also written in cursive.

    Children have a unique ability to feel everything that goes wrong is the fault of Mom and Dad.

    After several conversations I¡¯ve had with her over the years, there was no doubt who this was meant for. In fact, she probably had to read this to remind herself each time after my visits.

    As all parents know, it¡¯s much harder to deal with adversities affecting our children than it is to face something that hurts us.

    This was a hard passage to read¡ªnever wanting to share my problems with her while she struggled with the mother of all problems. But there was no one else to turn to¡ªshe was the only one in my corner not looking to destroy me in some way. My father was too old fashioned to understand any of my challenges¡ªoffering black and white obvious criticisms than the required ear. When my mother did offer criticism, she did so after listening to me for months. It may not have been what I¡¯ve wanted to hear, but it always held weight.

    Keep your chin up. And when it gets too heavy, God will send the angels to hold it up for you.

    I¡¯m certain my mother wanted to share these words with me, but knew I¡¯d blow them off, so what did she do? She wrote them down for herself, hoping to use them some day. Of course, it also applied to her own struggle, those days when it was hard. Like the day someone poked fun at her wig when she was just trying to feel normal again.

    3 parts to an apology.

    I¡¯m sorry.

    It was all my fault.

    Now how can I make it right.

    After reading this entry into her journal, I couldn¡¯t pinpoint why she wrote this other than the disagreements she got into with my father over the years. The third part hit me the hardest though¡ªAnya just had no interest in making anything right.

    If we learn to think before we speak and put the feelings and interests of others ahead of our own, let¡¯s search for ¡°delightful words¡± then your words will not hurt and tear down, but heal and build up those you love.

    A well thought out approach is likely to be far more effective than an emotional outburst! Search for the right words before you say something you¡¯ll be sorry for.

    My father and mother argued quite a bit when I was younger¡ªthese words of inspiration likely meant for herself and him. If I ever argued with my mother, I¡¯d never leave the house without an understanding. Apologies came easy from me when deserved, but from my father, his pride would never allow it to happen.

    After reading through her spiraled notebook journal, I began rummaging through the vertical shelving inside the desk, coming across the face of a greeting card.

    My Son, I Am So Proud to Be Your Mother, and I Love You.

    Upon opening the card, it was dated December 14th, 1992¡ªpenned to me nearly twenty years ago after turning twenty-one. During a time in my life of much promise. She wrote my name at the top of the card¡¯s preprinted words.

    Landyn Joseph,

    To see you smiling

    To see you happy

    To see you peaceful

    Is what makes me proud

    As a mother watches

    Her son grow up

    To be a young man

    She can advise him and guide him

    She can offer her support

    And unconditional love

    But she must give him

    Freedom to develop on his own.

    As I reflect on

    Your development over the years ~

    Your strength of convictions

    And your delight and excitement with life

    I realize that

    My wishes for you

    Have come true

    And as you try out new things

    And take new paths

    While creating a life you want to lead

    Please remember that

    I am always behind you

    In everything you do

    Proud and happy

    And full of love for you

    ~ Susan Polis Schutz

    My mom then wrote the following below the quote.

    Always remember the times we had together. If you ever want to talk, I¡¯m listening.

    Love,

    Mom¡­

    She probably couldn¡¯t have imagined all the turmoil I¡¯ve opened up to her about when she penned this card to me¡ªone of several things I still kept at her house. I''m sure to a certain extent, her pride died. The trauma from my relationship with Anya would never yield her a grandchild. No doubt she believed she¡¯d be a grandmother by now instead of being a witness to my decline. There was no one more underserving of this card from their mother than I was¡ªa cocky, ungrateful, and selfish college student who thought he knew the way of the world without any real life experience. No doubt, this card¡¯s receipt went unappreciated, looked upon as another smothering attempt from the only one who gave a damn. Expected words at the time, that now bit so deeply, twin Nyquil stained Vicodin pills were needed to deal with the disappointment in myself. As a source of her pride, I fell woefully short. Sure, I was there for her physically but not mentally. in 1992, my mother was battling breast cancer, bringing with it a lot of uncertainty and a sense of urgency to let me know how she viewed me in her eyes. Yet she never allowed me to sense the gravity of her circumstances and all she was about to go through. She left me ignorant to it all, my self-centeredness providing her with the stage for a masterful performance.

    Just when I thought she couldn¡¯t hit me harder, I came across another letter she never gave me, dated July 24th, 2008.

    My Only Child,

    As you know, my cancer is back. ? I have cancer, but cancer does not have me! I will not go down without a fight! Pow!

    I really need to stay out of stress, so here goes! Stress causes my cancer cells to take over my good ones, hense comes the cancer! So dear Landyn, I need to take every precaution there is! We have had some good times together i.e., Lakers games, hitting me with the back scratcher, watching movies and tv shows you hate. We have had a lot of fun together! Ha! Ha! Oh yea, all the times you would call me ¡°Two Tacos¡± and of course telling me it must be ¡°fun time¡± whenever I would eat, as you would put it!

    Landyn, I worry about you. You have kept me up at night, and whenever your car pulled into the driveway at night safely, I thanked God for another night He brought you home safe. ??

    As a mother, we worry. I worry more than anyone! As the sun is going to rise in the east and settle in the west! As they say from the womb to the tomb! But heck, that¡¯s just me. I wish the best for you. If anyone deserves the best, it is you my dear son.

    Please, for me, try to find God. He¡¯s there, believe me! I¡¯m the perfect example. This cancer would have taken anyone else, but my God hears my prayers and until my dying breath, I will believe that with all my heart and soul!!

    Don¡¯t let anyone change you, Landyn! Remember I¡¯ll always love you. You are my only child and will always have a special place in my heart. ??

    Please keep close to your father.

    Love,

    Mom

    Just behind that letter, was a much smaller note dated August 8th, 2008, over four years ago.

    Dear Landyn,

    If I have one wish before I die, that wish is for you, my son, to believe there is a God and for you to ask for forgiveness for not trusting that he is real. I¡¯ve been alive with Cancer for twenty years now! That alone is a gift from God! He has been so good to me. Please give him a chance and I promise your prayers will be answered. He says seek and you will find, knock and the door will be open.

    I¡¯m sending this in the mail, because you would probably never take it home if I gave it to you. Every home should have a Bible and a cross in it! To protect you and guide you in His way. I will be in heaven one day, my only wish is that I will see my only child there one day too, and that¡¯s what I will do. I will wait for you.

    Love, Mom

    I don¡¯t know what drew me to her desk¡ªI¡¯ve never been drawn to search for anything in her room before. It was hard to accept all the hard work I¡¯ve done to unburden my mother¡¯s worry. That after putting myself through school, passing the CPA exam, and obtaining a promotion to partner could all be suddenly lost by simply believing in love. Yet God was love and I did not believe in Him--my greatest contradiction. If I could do that for my mother, if it eased her stress, I would have. But she raised a man who was honest to a fault, who couldn¡¯t believe in something he could never see or touch. My love for Anya though, checked those boxes. The Universe was too miraculous to deny a spiritual connection, but never a religious one for me¡ªI¡¯d never be able to give her such a wish. My mother was sweetly simple minded, and I rebelled against that after college and beyond. I¡¯m just happy her own faith in God gave her so much strength because after all she has gone through on top of dealing with a lost son, would have been an impossibility without a belief in Him.

    Before closing her desk, I stumbled upon one last handwritten note on flower bordered white stationary. One last parting shot after she told me Anya had played me for a fool.

    Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful and endures through any circumstance.

    After reading her letters, I put them all back in the same place so no evidence of my snooping could be traced. Since nothing seemed out of the ordinary and it seemed my father and mother were spending time together since both cars were in the driveway, I left the scene. On the ride home, on a darkened 405 freeway, the vision of those two purple stained pills never escaped my mind. How the possibility while she struggled for air in fear of an unknown trip to the hospital, that under a time of great distress, she thought of me being without Vicodin pills and resorting to another source. My only solution to dealing with the trauma of losing Anya to give me the strength to keep hope alive of rebuilding my life. That even well over two years later, there still was no other way. Although the pills fell short, I needed to recreate the euphoria her love gave me, to not only continue moving forward but to exude a positive mindset to the people around me. The last thing I ever intended was for my mother to feel that without her pills, his hardship would be too burdensome for her son to meet her in heaven one day. She had a far more important thing to worry about¡ªherself. The last image I wanted in my head haunting me forever would be two cough syrup-stained pills my mother struggled to leave out for me in her most desperate hour.

    After arriving home, I made a truffle rice dinner then sat down to watch television. After dinner, I grabbed my phone to notice I had a missed call. There was no message but it was certainly my mother who wanted to know why her desk was rearranged. I contemplated calling back the next day but decided to see what she had to say.

    The phone rang four times before my father answered.

    ¡°Hey Dad.¡± I spoke. ¡°Did mom just call me?¡±

    ¡°No, it was me, Son.¡±

    ¡°How¡¯s mom? Is she home now?¡±

    ¡°Son¡­¡± he replied, struggling to talk.

    ¡°What¡¯s wrong?¡±

    ¡°They don¡¯t think¡­¡± he answered before pausing. ¡°They don¡¯t think your mother is going to make it through the night.¡±

    ¡°What!¡± I yelled into the phone in absolute disbelief. ¡°I thought all she had was a ¡°little" pneumonia!¡±

    ¡°Son¡­¡±

    ¡°I¡¯ll be right there.¡±

 CHAPTER 38 ~ A REQUIEM FOR FRAUDS

    ¡°Mother do you think they¡¯ll drop the bomb?

    Mother do you think they¡¯ll like this song?

    Mother do you think they¡¯ll try to break my balls?

    Ooooh aah, Mother should I build a wall?¡±

    ~ ¡°Mother¡± Pink Floyd

    The tension in my legs, untamable¡ªunable to sit still to save my life. The ability to concentrate, lost, with the lack of sleep. The constant urge to stretch and move unwavering while being thrusted into stressful situations and doing basic things I haven¡¯t done in nearly three years without a drug¡¯s aid. A condition that morphed into a nearly thirty pill a day dependence. Now, I¡¯ve been reduced to bouncing a black leather portfolio binder on my lap, hiding my unrelenting restless leg syndrome from others after going cold turkey¡ªthe opioid well running dry. But, it had to be done, to unburden my mother from this heartbreak.

    Hoping to spare my mind of this extreme tension, I opened the black binder, removing a folded piece of yellow paper from it. Believing a rehab facility to be a better place, like a member of the Hollywood crowd, it made me think of my mother¡¯s father, a grandfather who died before I was born¡ªan aspiring actor back in the early forties. He became friends with Big Band leaders, Tommy and Jimmy Dorsey. So much so, their sister Mary baptized my mother. I then thought about her brothers, Mark, the oldest and Davey, the youngest. Wondering if they were baptized by anyone my grandfather met while working in Hollywood. Ruminating about my Uncle Mark reminded me of my mother¡¯s story about her pet chicken when she was ten¡ªone she shared several times with me. How she raised Gidget from a chick to an adult hen that she took on walks around her neighborhood. How she looked forward to coming home from school every day to play with her beloved pet. One day she returned home from school but didn¡¯t see her playmate. That was until while sitting in her room, her brother Mark walked inside, throwing its head into her lap. My uncle Mark always teased my mother, taking joy in scaring her, but my grandfather thought he took it too far. After his beating and apology, her trauma quickly evolved into a greater love for animals, or as she called them ¡°God¡¯s creatures¡±, bonding more with her father after that incident.

    ¡°He used to always call me ¡®Dolly Gal¡¯¡±. She told me when I was a child. ¡°He would come home from work and say ¡°Hey, Dolly Gal! Bring me a beer!¡± and I''d get really excited before running to the fridge to get that for him. It always made me happy.¡±

    I never met my grandfather; he died a little over three years before I was born. My mom used to tell me how much I would¡¯ve loved him¡ªno doubt I would have. It sure would¡¯ve been nice to have a beer with him. I have a lot of my grandfather¡¯s traits¡ªhis love for movies and the Hollywood life. The day he got sick must have been devastating for my mother, she was super close to him. One day in high school, she had her hair up too high and was forced to take a shower with her clothes on to set an example for the other students who dared doing so. After that day she quit school, the eighth grade, and never returned. Instead, she stayed home to take care of her father, who had just gotten cancer, while her mother worked to make ends meet. I always wondered why my mother always told me she missed her Dad when I was a kid, but at the time it wasn¡¯t long from the day he died. She shared on the day she turned twenty-one, she went out to buy her first alcoholic drink--a can of beer; not for herself but so she could place it at his grave.

    Trying to concentrate on my breathing, the tension builds within, ending any chance at calming my mind. Desperately trying to control the fidgeting only provides proof there will be no chance at success. My business will undoubtedly fail¡ªthis affliction impossible to hide from people. Sitting outside does nothing to quell this internal furnace, continually wiping off the accumulating sweat from my forehead with the back of my hand. This great discomfort the due reward for loving someone with my heart and soul. Renumeration for trusting in and caring too much about someone¡¯s happiness--falsely believing their love for me was too real to leave behind. It surely wasn¡¯t this difficult in the fifties¡ªthe time my father met my mother when he was nineteen and she was fifteen. And when the army summoned him for training in nineteen sixty-five at the age of twenty-two, for two three-month stints in Louisiana and Northern California, he told my mother not to wait for him. Instead, she wrote him letters every day and even three on the weekend. Today, that would scare someone away, but back in the fifties? A whole different story. When he returned home six months later, they resumed their relationship and four years after that came a wedding. Six months after their marriage, I entered the picture.

    When you¡¯re a child, marital struggles don¡¯t exist, when in actuality, they do. My parents¡¯ young marriage was tested when my father lost his job nearly a year after my birth. They faced many obstacles up to this point, and now he felt helpless unable to provide for his family. He could¡¯ve cheated, like Jackson, and chosen the easy way out when my mother yelled at him to "get off the couch" when he got down. My mother, the eternal optimist, experienced things he never did¡ªleaving school to take care of a dying parent at fourteen years old. Her ¡°things happen for a reason¡± mantra certainly puzzled my father the same way it did me. After all, they had a nine-month-old and the stress of not knowing where the next meal would come from. My father burned bridges when he left his mother and sister behind when choosing to marry my mother. But even without knowing if he¡¯d be able to keep the lights on or a roof over our heads, he remained faithful. My mother pitched in, cleaning houses while my father found work through his landlord painting the apartment building, he lived in, to afford the rent. Even settling on pancakes for dinner--it was all they could afford. One thing was clear, something I never realized, my father and mother may not have had the marriage I longed to have, but it was founded on love. And when my father found good work on the docks for Wrigley as a tugboat deckhand, he never looked back. Apparently, my mother was right, things did happen for a reason.

    As this uncontrollable anxiety continues to rage within, it brings me back to the times my father used to tell me being a kid was the best time of my life. His commentary coming at those times I wished to be an adult, so I no longer lived being under his thumb. He was beyond right about that being the best time of my life. Unable to fight back this rising discomfort, my irritability and frustration now brings me back to Anya¡¯s lies to the judge; that ¡°I threatened to kidnap her kids¡±. Leaving me to reflect on the time when all I wanted were kids of my own¡ªwhat I believed to be a given. After meeting Anya, that dream went out the window--having her love was more important. I know Anya didn¡¯t think so, but that dream officially died the day she lied to that judge¡ªthe day she chose to protect her kids with lies rather than with the truth--the day she took the cowardly and easy way out. I worked with kids at the Daycare for three years. Babysat them on the weekends instead of going out. Ran the KinderCare program. Had boys and girls tell me they wished I were their dad. Even coached the boys basketball team for two years. I understood Anya¡¯s anger with me and knew she needed to protect her kids, but not from me and never like that. Not after a nearly two year physical and emotional relationship. Anya made the choice to fall in love with me, as did I with her, and the fact she could be so dishonest about me in such a grotesque way just shook me to my core¡ªusing a substance to take me away from its harsh reality. I couldn¡¯t imagine someone doing that to a person like my mother who adored children, with that passionate and fragile heart of hers. The continuing inability to control my bodily movements was now driving me to places in my head I didn¡¯t want to visit on this day--of all days.

    While driving by my old elementary school earlier, it brought me back to when my mother started working there and the feeling of safety at the time of knowing she was close. She started as a ticket clerk in the school¡¯s cafeteria when I was in the first grade. I could still see her standing there in front of one of those old large bronze cash registers with the keys you had to pound your finger into just to ring up a sale. No doubt her carpal tunnel developed working on those for twenty plus years. All the kids joked around with her whenever they were in her line, and no child went without a meal even if they didn¡¯t have a ticket. My mother always made my lunch so I never had to go through her line, but those that did always announced to me they saw her. I don¡¯t know how many times I walked by her at the register without acknowledging she was even there, more consumed with my friends. But I¡¯m sure she saw me each time I walked by hoping I''d at least say hello. I just hope it never hurt her too badly when I failed to stop just one time; even to simply look in her direction and smile.

    My elementary school was a public school and paled in comparison to the better private school nearby¡ªthe one most couldn¡¯t afford at the time. My mother always felt the school got a bad rap. She even wrote letters to the local newspaper to bolster support for its staff of teachers. She complained in an article they published, that the parents failed to support the school and its functions after noticing "Back to School" night was poorly attended. When the next "Back to School" night came around, she talked the principal into allowing her to put on a show for the parents and kids in the cafeteria. I had no idea what she was up to when she asked me to film the show. At the time, I was two years removed from elementary school and it was a hard sell¡ªI was now above elementary school back to school night, but I eventually caved in. When we arrived, the cafeteria was wall to wall with families who were instructed to meet there before being escorted to their respective classrooms. Before disappearing in the kitchen, she instructed me to stand right outside the kitchen doors and to start filming once the music started.

    ¡°Ok, whatever.¡± I told her, still believing to be ¡°too cool¡± for this scene.

    When the music came on (some fifties song I¡¯ve heard a million times but didn''t know the title of) two of my mother¡¯s coworkers dressed up like the Pink Ladies from the movie ¡°Grease¡± came bursting out. After almost being taken out by the swinging cafeteria doors, I quickly recovered and aimed the VHS camcorder and began filming. My mother¡¯s two coworkers, in pink ribboned ponytails, then performed a swing dance number, while the laughter of children and clapping hands filled the air. Suddenly the music stopped and another song, ¡°Little Old Lady from Pasadena¡±, began playing just seconds before those kitchen doors swung wildly open again. Springing from them, a grey-haired grandmother dressed in bloomers came rolling out on a scooter, riding around in circles while the kids pointed at her, wide eyed and shouting ¡°that¡¯s Susie!¡±. It took me a minute to realize the "Little Old Lady from Pasadena" was actually my mother, the "Crazy Woman from Harbor City", puttering around the cafeteria floor in front of all the parents and kids. I remembered two things distinctly on this night¡ªthe laughter from the kids following my mother with their fingers while announcing to their parents who she was; and her being egged on by the kids not to stop. For the next half hour, I filmed her trying to catch her breath while free styling on that scooter, determined not to disappoint them.

    After her performance, the kids were then escorted to their classrooms and visited with their teachers. She then found the strength to ride up to me to grab the camcorder.

    ¡°Do you want to leave?¡± she asked, still trying to catch her breath. ''Thanks for recording all of that."

    ¡°How much longer are you staying?¡±

    ¡°About another hour. I have to help clean up.¡±

    ¡°I think I''m just gonna walk home¡ªI have to get my costume ready for school tomorrow.¡± I told her, now focused on spending Halloween with my friends.

    She sighed then nodded. ¡°Okay Honey, give me the recorder, I¡¯ll take it home.¡±

    ¡°Sure.¡± I replied, happily handing it off to her.

    We lived just a couple of blocks away from the school, so the walk was a short one to take at night. From that night forward, the school experienced better attended "Back to School" nights leading to future gigs for my mother and her coworkers for a few years afterwards. At her retirement party eighteen years later, they played that clip of her on the scooter¡ªthe new principal at the school shocked to learn it was her. He never witnessed that side to my mother because she was so opinionated about the direction of the school when he first started, criticizing his every move. Over time, he realized she was part of the old guard and resistant to the changes he made. Somewhere along the line he won her over and during her retirement party announced, ¡°I¡¯m going to miss you, Susie...telling me how to run my school.¡± My mother showed me the retirement party video and nothing, but laughter, was heard after that was said¡ªperfectly defining her tenure and the mark she left.

    My mother claimed the only reason she stayed so long was because of the kids. She befriended so many over twenty plus years¡ªthere were always kids from school at my house. Most of my friends from school even came by just to chat with her rather than hang out with me. When I was elected class president my last year, it was mostly because she morphed into my campaign manager during their visits. When I was in high school, there were two young girls who my mother became close to, who were at my house more than I was. Their father was an alcoholic, and their mother was having a difficult time having to work then pick them up from school. Since they bonded with my mother, and even my father, they would spend time at our house after school, so their mother didn¡¯t have to worry. When she got off from work in the early evening, she would then come pick them up from our house. There was a sense of sadness from my parents a few years later when the girls were old enough to walk home and no longer needed supervision until their mother returned from work. After my mom retired, she¡¯d sit in the kitchen and open the front window to watch the kids she knew from the school walk by the house on their way home. They¡¯d wave and scream her name when they saw her¡ªa nice respite from her silent battle. She¡¯d either wave back or walk outside to talk to them¡ªeach taking turns telling each other that they were missed. I¡¯m certain now those kids were angels of God helping her cope with an unknown future. After a few years passed and a new group of kids, who didn¡¯t know my mother had worked at their school, walked past the house, a part of her had to have died inside. It¡¯s hard not to get choked up thinking how the simple passing of time made her feel¡ªknowing those old friendships gave her more life than any treatment or drug ever could.

    More sweat begins trickling down the side of my face as all the emotions and stress I deferred from feeling, hits me like the moon crashing into earth¡ªthere''s just no stopping or controlling it. I hadn¡¯t slept well, if at all, over the last week and could hear laughter coming from somewhere but no one''s ever there. Doing anything I can to stymie this distress, I open the folded piece of paper and place it on my lap to read its contents¡ªwhile trembling like a Parkinson¡¯s sufferer. For the first time in decades, the thought of a nice cold thirst quenching cup of lemonade enters my mind¡ªanother bizarre craving. This transports me to another point in time, when my mother implored me to sell lemonade at one of her garage sales. My grandmother would visit on a random Saturday in the summer and they would sell old clothes and other household items out on the front lawn. Being a bit introverted, the last thing I wanted to do was sell anything out in public. It wasn¡¯t until my mother made the lemonade, and even the ten-cent cardboard sign, after setting up a table with large Styrofoam cups in our driveway before I was brave enough to take on the venture. On top of selling my baseball cards and cups of ice cold sweet lemonade, I pulled in an average of seventy dollars at each garage sale she had. Whenever my mother sold any of my old clothes, she gave me that money too, even though she bought them for me. Although my father wasn¡¯t a big fan of her selling items outside the home to strangers, she generated a lot of foot traffic mostly because of the lemonade on the hot summer days and baseball cards were a big thing back then. Most of the people in the neighborhood couldn¡¯t afford clothes, especially for their kids who grew out of them quickly, so my mother sold all my old clothes¡ªnever having to throw them away. She even had a utility coin belt she wore around giving change to people each time she made a sale that required it. When my grandmother passed a few years later, she stopped having garage sales, another piece of her chipped away.

    After each of those garage sales, my mother would later be seated in the bleachers at the park, just up the block from where we lived, to watch my baseball games. While sitting here desperately trying to hide this affliction, going back in time to those days with my mother in the stands yelling at an umpire who made a bad call, was the only way I could feel normal. She¡¯d shout at the other team¡¯s coaches if they ran the score up on us, even yelling at my dad if he made any bad moves as the head coach. You could rest assured if you heard ¡°Screw you, Creepo!¡± from the bleachers, it was my mother. I remember her telling my father how to coach the team from the stands¡ªin front of everyone. At the time it was embarrassing, but now left me smiling in the worst of conditions. She supported me in everything I did¡ªeven when I thought a chance existed of being a five-foot eight Caucasian NBA basketball player. She¡¯d even eavesdrop on my friends and I playing baseball up at the park¡ªshe could hear everything we said from her backyard. I¡¯ll never forget the time she confronted Greg when he came over my house with Vance after one of our games for a glass of water.

    ¡°I can¡¯t believe what was coming out of your mouth today, Greggy!¡± She told him. ¡°I could hear your foul mouth from my backyard!¡±

    ¡°That wasn¡¯t me Mrs. Lastman.¡± Greg told her. ¡°That was your son!¡±

    I guess she was such an ardent supporter, it was safe to say she had selective hearing too.

    In school, they preached to us about the danger of drugs, but it went largely ignored¡ªthere was no way they¡¯d ever affect my life; never an option or even a thought. I smoked a cigarette or two but didn¡¯t like them. I got drunk on the weekends but never craved a drink other than in social situations to thwart my introverted nature. A pill never stood a chance of having any kind of a hold on me, but life, like love, was unpredictable. And, in my wildest hallucinations I could¡¯ve never envisioned a months long hang over when I stopped taking them. How each day that passed left me craving them just so I''d be able to sleep a few hours during the night. If I had to work for someone and was not self-employed, I would¡¯ve lost my job¡ªunable to get out of bed to face the day and too sleep deprived. The more my addiction grew over the last three years, the less I cared about anything until now, when the most extreme form of guilt left me with no choice but to care again.

    Even with all that schooling after becoming a college graduate with two bachelor¡¯s degrees and a CPA license, it was my mother with no schooling after the eighth grade who had it all together. It brought me back to the times she would pretend to be the dumbest person in the room. She often called me out of the blue, while working on a crossword puzzle, to ask how to spell a word.

    ¡°Landy, how do you spell liberty?¡± She¡¯d ask.

    ¡°You seriously don¡¯t know how to spell it?¡±

    ¡°No.¡± she¡¯d tell me.

    ¡°How do you think it¡¯s spelled?¡±

    ¡°L-y-b-e-r-d-i-e¡±. She¡¯d spell out.

    I¡¯d then laugh. ¡°Lie Birdy? Do you know many lying little birdies?¡±

    ¡°Then how do you spell it?¡± She''d respond, acting confused.

    ¡°L-i-b-e-r-t-y¡±. I¡¯d spell out for her. ¡°Liberty¡±.

    ¡°L-i-b-i-r-d-y?¡± She''d try.

    ¡°No! L-i-b-e...r-t¡­y¡±

    ¡°Oh! L-i-b-e-r-d-y!¡± She''d try again.

    ¡°No! T. Y!¡¯

    ¡°Oh! L-i-b-e-r-d-t-y!¡± She''d fail again.

    Throwing my hands up in the air while holding the phone against my shoulder I¡¯d then exclaim. ¡°Sure¡ªthat¡¯s it.¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s eight letters, Landy. It can only be a seven-letter word.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re killin¡¯ me, Mom.¡± I''d reply in resignation.

    There were also those times she was working on a crossword puzzle in her room when I visited.

    ¡°What''s another word for chatty¡­you know¡­talkative?¡± She¡¯d inquire.

    ¡°How about loquacious?¡± I''d answer with nothing less than sarcasm; knowing full well what her next question would be.

    ¡°Wait¡­that¡¯s a ten-letter word, isn¡¯t it?¡± She''d wonder before counting the empty boxes on the paper.

    ¡°I think so.¡± I''d reply, unsure myself.

    She''d then smile widely. ¡°That¡¯s it! Thanks, Honey!¡±

    ¡°Don¡¯t you need me to spell it for you?¡±

    ¡°Nope, I got it.¡± She¡¯d tell me. ¡°I¡¯m surprised you knew that word.¡±

    I¡¯d then snatch the crossword puzzle from her after she penciled in the last letter and couldn¡¯t believe my eyes. For some reason, she could spell the most difficult words perfectly leaving me with a perplexing conundrum--did she ask just to see if I could spell it?

    Recalling those times brought me to another head scratching moment when she came into the living room one evening to watch the game show ¡°Jeopardy¡± with my father and I. Once she sat down next to me on the couch, my father sitting across from us in his recliner, looked over at her then rolled his eyes¡ªwe both knew we were in for some ridiculous answers.

    ¡°I¡¯ll take ¡°The U.S. Presidents When¡± for one hundred, Alex.¡± Requested one of the show¡¯s contestants.

    ¡°When Hawaii gained statehood.¡± Alex Trebeck then posed.

    ¡°Who is Eisenhower.¡± My father yelled before the contestant could.

    ¡°Leszek.¡± Recognized Alex when the contestant buzzed in before the others did.

    ¡°Who is Eisenhower.¡± answered Leszek.

    ¡°That¡¯s correct.¡± Stated Alex.

    ¡°Yeah!¡± my mom shouted, cheering my father on while he again rolled his eyes.

    ¡°¡±The U.S. Presidents When¡± for four hundred.¡± Leszek requested.

    ¡°When the Hindenburg zeppelin crashed.¡± posed Mr. Trebeck.

    While my father and I were bound by silence, my mother yells. ¡°Who is FDR!¡±

    ¡°Al¡± acknowledged Alex to the first contestant who buzzed in.

    ¡°Who is Roosevelt. FDR.¡± Al replied.

    ¡°That¡¯s correct.¡± Responded Alex.

    ¡°Presidents for six hundred.¡± Selected Al.

    ¡°When the U.S. extended full diplomatic recognition to Vietnam.¡±

    With our tongues in suspended animation, my mother blurts. ¡°Who is Bill Clinton!¡±

    ¡°Tad¡± Acknowledged Alex.

    ¡°Who is Clinton.¡± Answered Tad.

    "Correct." acknowledged the game show host.

    As bizarre as this appeared, my mother was a United States president history fan, so nothing seemed completely out of the ordinary after she got two in a row right. Our money was now on her spewing non sensical answers once the category changed.

    ¡°¡±Quotes¡± for two hundred, Alex.¡± Chose Tad.

    ¡°Karl Marx: This is the opium of the people.¡± Alex asked.

    Before the contestant could answer my mother quickly and confidently answers. ¡°What is religion.¡±

    According to Alex Trebeck, that answer was correct.

    ¡°It¡¯s the leading agricultural product of the island nation of Dominica.¡±

    ¡°What are bananas.¡± She answered.

    That answer was also correct.

    ¡°The scientific name of this garnish used in salads and sandwiches is nasturtium aquaticum.¡± Announced Alex.

    ¡°Water cress¡± she answered.

    Alex would soon confirm she even knew what nasturtium aquaticum was.

    She then answered the next five questions correctly before leaving us at the commercial break, retreating to her room. While my father shook his head in disbelief, I decided to use the restroom. On the way, I overheard the show ¡°Jeopardy¡± coming from her room.

    ¡°What ya up to?¡± I asked with an eye on Alex Trebeck who returned from break a little earlier on my mother¡¯s television. ¡°What the hell is this?¡±

    ¡°Nothin¡¯.¡± She smiled, listening for the answers to the clues that will be known a few minutes from now¡ªthe show somehow delayed by five minutes on the flatscreen in the living room.

    ¡°I knew it!¡± I shot.

    ¡°Don¡¯t tell your father.¡± She pointed at me in a low tone. ¡°He thinks he sooo smart and knows everything.¡±

    Grinning, I nodded to let her know the secret was safe with me before using the restroom then heading back out to the living room to watch her prank eventually fall apart.

    The restless legs that have kept me up over the last ten days are now making a cameo appearance during the daylight hours, threatening to turn me into one giant spectacle at a time I couldn''t afford to be. I deserved every bit of this though¡ªmy dependence on a pill for survival finally catching up with me. Now, each day a battle to get through the day before another anxiety filled night of being unable to sleep closed in unimpeded. And when my body does receive a reprieve from the nightly extreme tension, the morning sun shining brightly in my room ensures the sleeplessness continues. Even sitting down for a pleasurable meal only promises more anxiety effectively turning it into a chore. And just like my mother, who feared leaving her room because she believed the world had become an unsafe place, I now found myself anchored to my bed--my holding cell, But for the first time in over a week there was no safe space for me from the anxiety. This day called for the world to witness the damage I have inflicted on myself.

    Trying to keep my mind off these acute withdrawal symptoms, leaves me angry at not only myself but the world--further mystifying me how my mother could be so nice to people when she wasn¡¯t feeling well. One time while visiting after she had a rough treatment day, I overheard her having a warm conversation on the phone.

    ¡°Hey, who was that?¡± I asked after she said goodbye. ¡°Uncle Davey?¡±

    ¡°Oh, that was Candace.¡± She told me, her white and black cat, Cleo, pouncing upon her lap the very moment she sat down.

    ¡°If that cat gets any bigger, we¡¯re going to have to call the Guiness Book of World Records.¡± I told her, pointing out Cleo¡¯s girth. ¡°She¡¯s going to break your pelvis one day.¡±

    ¡°Don¡¯t fat shame Cleo!¡± She exclaimed, while petting the purring feline.This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

    ¡°So, who¡¯s Candace?¡±

    ¡°She¡¯s a telemarketer.¡±

    I laughed. ¡°Aren¡¯t you supposed to hang up on telemarketers?¡±

    ¡°Oh no, I was a telemarketer once and it hurt my feelings whenever someone yelled then hung up on me.¡±

    I remembered the days when my mother sold Avon and had Tupperware parties over the house but never heard about her telemarketing stint. I remember leaving the house that day thinking I¡¯d have a hard time ever getting into heaven competing against her patience.

    The more I fidgeted about, the more my craving for pills increased as the pressure inside mounted, bringing me back to the night my father told me they didn¡¯t think she¡¯d make it through the night. Speeding on the 405 freeway like a madman, it was the last time I had them in my system, blasting the song ¡°Bat Country¡± from Avenged Sevenfold to drown out the agony of my father¡¯s words. They honestly believed my mother wasn¡¯t going to make it through the night after battling cancer head on for twenty-four years? Whoever was in charge at the hospital didn¡¯t know my mother¡ªshe would never go down so easily, especially from a minor bout of a "pneumonia". There¡¯s no way this could ever be her last night on earth.

    It felt like an eternity had passed when I finally pulled into the hospital parking lot. After stepping outside my vehicle, I looked up at the hospital rooms, feeling like the priest in the movie ¡°The Exorcist¡± knowing uncertainty awaited me. Harbor City hospital was a small local infirmary, and the nurses there knew most of the patients on a personal level--my mother growing close to several nurses at the hospital over the years. She would ask me if I knew ¡°so and so¡± before informing me we went to high school ¡°together¡± but their names never rang a bell yet her nurses somehow remembered me; or maybe they just told her that out of respect? When I reached the front desk, and before I could ask where my mother¡¯s room was, a dark-haired female nurse with a round face, sweet smile and petite frame greeted me.

    ¡°Hi Landyn. I¡¯m Sean¡¯s girlfriend, Diane. I¡¯m the head nurse here.¡± She told me. ¡°Your mother was just taken out of ICU. I¡¯ll take you to her.¡±

    ¡°Hi Diane. Okay.¡± I replied nodding, drained and high, knowing so little about hospitals that I didn''t know what her being in the ICU meant.

    Just before we stepped in the elevator, she looked me at me with concern before grabbing and rubbing my hand. Her move of comfort caught me completely off guard, the drug leaving me slow to comprehend and irritated. It wasn¡¯t a romantic gesture but held a grimness all its own, a reality that only fueled my frustration with life up to this point. I mean, what the fuck happened to my mother? How is she on her death bed after coming in here with a "little pneumonia"? Did my father sugarcoat this, or did he just not know? I could¡¯ve been by her side at the hospital instead of reading things written over the years thinking she was out to dinner after a short stay. I knew she had lost a lot of weight, but wasn¡¯t the hospital the best place for her? She walks in here and just a few hours later she¡¯s fighting for her life? My mother fought this thing for twenty-four years just to lose her battle in less than twenty-four hours? This all didn¡¯t add up. And here I was, doped up on painkillers in my most trying moment suddenly thrusted into a situation without knowing how to feel. Diane grabbing my hand was a sincere act of kindness, but it only increased the gravity of what awaited me.

    When the elevator reached the top floor, Diane held on to my hand while leading me down a white walled corridor. It was a quiet walk, the most somber I¡¯ve ever taken with another person. The world seemed to stop around me, making it feel like an out of body experience. We passed by several dark quiet rooms with patients in their beds obscured only by white curtains. As we continued our walk, Diane looked up at me with worry in her eyes¡ªwhere and what was she leading me to? When we stopped at a final curtained area, she removed her hand from mine and slowly pulled away the sheet for me to enter. There laid my mother in her hospital bed, my father standing to her right, his hand caressing hers. There were no breathing tubes or even IVs¡ªwhat I expected to see; just my parents as Diane closed the curtain and disappeared, giving us privacy while my mother reflexively gasped for air.

    ¡°What¡¯s going on here?¡± I asked my expressionless father.

    ¡°I was asked to make a choice¡­¡± his voice breaking as he spoke, unable to look up at me.

    I shook my head. ¡°A choice?¡±

    ¡°The choice to let her go.¡± He told me, his eyes still on his wife. ¡°The choice I had to make.¡±

    ¡°I need to talk to someone.¡± I replied, knowing my father was too distraught to make this decision.

    I tore away the curtain and exited in agony and desperation. There¡¯s no way I was going to sit there and just watch my mother die. This so-called "decision" was not made by someone with the capacity to make it. Was her oncologist even notified? I searched for Diane but came across a grey haired, sturdily built female nurse standing in the corridor next to the main desk.

    ¡°Hello.¡± I greeted, trying my best to talk lowly and keep it together.

    ¡°Hi. Can I help you?¡± She asked, taking a pen out of her ear to use on her clipboard.

    ¡°Do you know what happened to the patient in room B-7¡± I inquired. ¡°I don¡¯t understand what''s goin'' on here.¡±

    ¡°Suzanne Lastman?"

    "Yes."

    ¡°How do you know her?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m her son.¡±

    "She had a heart attack, Sir." she informed me.

    ¡°What? A heart attack? How is that possible?" I replied, irritably and massively shocked. ¡°And isn''t this the best place to have one of those in? How come she isn¡¯t being cared for? Why are we being forced to let her go? She came in here with a little pneumonia and now she¡¯s dying of heart failure? This doesn''t make any sense!"

    ¡°Alright, well, your mother has stage four Cancer.¡±

    ¡°She¡¯s been living with Cancer for the last twenty-four years. How is it possible she¡¯s losing her battle in less than twenty-four hours after walking in here for help?¡± I countered. ¡°How is she now dying of heart failure? You need to have someone go back in there and try to save her. Has her oncologist been notified?¡±

    ¡°Yes, he has and we¡¯ve done all we can, Sir.¡± She answered far too comfortably.

    ¡°All you can?¡± I responded, incredulously. ¡°How can she have a heart attack in a hospital, of all places with around the clock vigilance, yet be losing her life?¡±

    ¡°Her Oncologist informed us that your mother has a pre-existing heart issue, and we could do nothing to repair the damage.¡± She told me. ¡°Her body is too weak to survive heart surgery. That¡¯s what we told Mr. Lastman and then we advised him of his options.¡±

    ¡°A heart issue?¡±

    She nodded and placed her hand softly on my shoulder. "She suffered congestive heart failure due to her late-stage Cancer. We advised your father to let her go peacefully. He agreed and we''ve heavily sedated her. We''re sorry.¡±

    I glanced back at the curtained room my mother laid in then reluctantly gazed back at the nurse before looking behind me again. After a few seconds passed, I nodded my head and whispered "thank you" before returning to where a supreme heartache resided; back to the person who gave me life that was now losing hers. My sweet mother¡ªthe one who made me soup and grilled cheese sandwiches, oatmeal and cinnamon toast whenever I got sick; who took my temperature then waited on me hand and foot until I felt better faced the greatest of sicknesses; and here I was unable to return the favor.

    Reaching for the snow-white sheet, I stood there for a few seconds with my eyes to the floor, too pained to enter before slowly peeling it away to step inside again. Upon entry, my father looked up at me with the same look I¡¯m certain was on my face. Standing there not knowing what to say to each other, he rose from his seat multiple times to kiss the top of my mother''s head while her body pressed involuntarily forward, seeking the air denied to her. My eyes fearfully strayed over to a small digital heart monitor standing beside her bed as it announced she was still with us. Working my way over to the unoccupied side of the room, I placed her warm hand in mine and put it to the side of my face. I then knelt forward, kissed her on the cheek and moved my head gently against hers. The tears wouldn¡¯t come though, this moment feeling all too unreal to believe. The only thing feeling certain was that at any minute she would be gone.

    While reflecting on that moment, a hand touched my back.

    ¡°They¡¯re going to close the casket in five minutes, cousin.¡±

    My cousin, Chris, stood before me. He had just turned forty, was purposely bald with a muscular build and standing a few inches taller than my sixty-eight. The haunting memory of how my mother¡¯s words ¡°that¡¯s not my mother¡± reverberated off the church walls during my grandmother''s funeral, stole the courage from being at my own mother¡¯s wake, a duty my father handled alone. Remembering the way she always looked, trumped the real fear of being traumatized by her looking anything less than my mother. Even assurances from the Funeral Director telling us she would look "beautiful" couldn¡¯t change my stance.

    ¡°How does she look?¡± I inquired.

    ¡°Peaceful.¡± Chris told me.

    In my mind, simply being in her casket could mean she looked "peaceful". Didn¡¯t most people use that word at funerals after viewing a body? For all I knew, they told my mother the same thing at my grandmother¡¯s funeral, giving her the temerity to view her that day.

    After nodding at him, he smiled before patting me on the back. ¡°No pressure but she looks really good. Are you alright to speak?¡±

    ¡°Thanks, yes¡­I¡¯m fine.¡± I told him, even unsure of that.

    He then left me to find a place to sit inside the church. Now feeling more stress about being the last person outside while trying to keep it together, I folded my eulogy, placed it back into the binder and took a deep breath. We spend most of our days taking this ability to breathe for granted until one day it all changes in an instant¡ªthis feeling of mortality new to me. Staring into the blue sky, a gust of wind blew mercifully upon my face, relieving me from the heat of being in a suit under the hot sun. Rising from the small bench, I stood in quiet contemplation for a moment before taking a first step toward the church, attempting to stymie the tension and uneasiness building inside. After wiping the sweat off my brow and using my hand to press down my hair, it seemed an impossible task to hide these withdrawal symptoms from friends and relatives let alone get through my eulogy.

    With anxiety sweeping over me, I took a few more deep breaths before ascending the church steps. Upon entry, on my immediate left, was the viewing room¡ªmy father and uncle still standing over her casket. When they saw me standing there, they froze, shocked to see me approach them. Apparently recognizing the significance of my appearance, my father, while batting his eyes with a handkerchief, stepped outside of the room with my uncle, leaving me alone with her. I moved cautiously to her casket, noticing her hair protruding slightly above it. Unable to look inside, my eyes became familiar with the tiled floor pattern instead. When I found the courage to look up, all I could do was unexpectedly smile¡ªshe appearred to be just sleeping. My cousin understated what he saw to me; she was at perfect peace. Touching her cold hand, I fought back tears of sadness, happiness and relief knowing the woman in the casket was not an imposter. If the Funeral Director had been there, I would¡¯ve thanked him a million times over for the care he took into making someone he never knew look so natural at the end of their life. I was eternally grateful he put his heart into his work and was a man of his word.

    ¡°You look beautiful, mom.¡± I whispered, rubbing her hand and then leaning in to kiss her forehead.

    After viewing my mother, providing incontrovertible evidence she was no longer burdened by the life sucking menace of cancer, I felt strong enough to give her eulogy¡ªfeeling good knowing the last time I saw my mother on earth was the best choice I¡¯ve ever made. As I watched them close her coffin and wheel it out of the room for the mass, I revisited my last moment with her at the hospital.

    ¡°Mom, I really hope you can hear me.¡± speaking into her ear and softly stroking the top of her head--her involuntary movements now less frequent. ¡°For the last forty-one years I¡¯ve been beyond blessed and didn¡¯t even know it. You''re the greatest gift I''ve ever been given. I couldn''t have been more blessed in life having you for my mother. I''m sorry it took me so long to realize it so I could tell you. I simply took you for granted. I love you, Mom. Now...you need to go be with Jesus. He wants you to come home. Dad and I will be okay. Mom¡­please go be with Jesus.¡±

    Slowly pulling myself away, something told me to look up¡ªto imagine her soul was looking down on us. When my father began sobbing, it felt right to leave him alone to say goodbye in his own way. She was my mother, but she was his wife and knew her more than I ever did.

    ¡°Dad, my heart can¡¯t take this¡­it''s too hard.¡± I said standing across from him, not wanting to see her take that final breath. ¡°I¡¯m going back to the house to call her brothers. I¡¯ll see you back at home.¡±

    My father looked up at me before speaking through tears. ¡°I love you, Son.¡±

    With one hand clutching the soft white curtain I nodded, fighting back the trauma of seeing my father emotional.

    ¡°I love you too, Dad.¡± I told him before exiting, leaving them alone for the last time together.

    When I arrived at my parents¡¯ house, I walked directly into her room and crashed upon the bed knowing this house would never feel the same way again. Not only did my mother die, but all the warmth and comfort that surrounded me here did too. If my life would never be the same after Anya left me, my mother¡¯s passing made it official. As expected as her death should¡¯ve been, there was no way to prepare for it. The way it played out dug a deeper hole inside me, always envisioning her passing in the privacy of our home surrounded by loved ones. Not the unintimate setting played out under the white lights of a hospital with only a curtain separating our grief from others. What made it more difficult was finding the words to tell my uncles their sister had just passed away, certainly shocking them as much as it did us. This just didn¡¯t seem real; coming at least ten years too soon. My grandmother smoked every day and lived to be seventy-three. How could her daughter, who smoked a few cigarettes here and there only live to be sixty-five? There were grandchildren for her to have¡ªto fill her with some of the joy she had raising me. How could she have a ¡°little¡± pneumonia then succumb to congestive heart failure? As much as I didn¡¯t want to believe Anya didn¡¯t love me, I also didn¡¯t want to believe my mother had just died.

    While awaiting my father¡¯s return, I posted to Facebook about her passing¡ªunsure how to handle the magnitude of what just happened. Many friends sent out their condolences making me feel less alone in my grief. Three hours after leaving the hospital, my father returned home. From my mother¡¯s room, I heard him hanging up his keys on the hooks in the kitchen followed by the cranking sound of adjusting his recliner. When I didn¡¯t hear the television, I walked out into the living room to join him.

    He gazed at the ceiling before acknowledging me sitting across from him on the couch. He then peered upwards again before speaking. ¡°I watched her take her final breath. They took her away about an hour ago.¡±

    ¡°The nurse told me she had a heart attack.¡± I replied, shaking my head in disbelief with my eyes on the carpet. ¡°Did she have a heart problem? I thought all she had was a little pneumonia?¡±

    ¡°Your mother was coughing all night and into the morning¡ªshe couldn¡¯t sleep.¡± He informed me before placing his hand on his forehead. ¡°I mean¡­she couldn¡¯t stop coughing...violent coughs. Just hacking and hacking. I asked if she needed to go to the hospital, but she told me she was fine. An hour later she came out here and told me she thinks she better go to the hospital.¡±

    My mind tried wrapping around all my mother must have felt before making that decision; wrecking me to imagine the fear she felt realizing the cough syrup wasn¡¯t working¡ªseeing the desperation and panic in the two Vicodin pills she left out for me; likely believing there was a real chance she wasn¡¯t coming home. And in her most desperate and anxiety filled moment of life, she worried more about my survival than her own, shaking me to my loathesome core.

    ¡°How was she at the hospital?¡± I asked, barely breathing.

    ¡°She was fine." He told me before reaching for a Kleenex to blow his nose. "She tried to fall asleep but couldn¡¯t find a good sleeping position in the bed they put her in. She fell out of it twice when I was there. They then put a mask on her and gave her some medication. I''m not sure what they gave her, but they were able to stop her coughing. She was upbeat after that...but I just never understood the seriousness of everything.¡±

    ¡°The seriousness of everything?¡±

    ¡°That her heart was damaged....that years of chemo took a toll but I should¡¯ve known¡­¡± He told me.

    "How could you have possibly known, Dad?" I asked, knowing my mother hid her struggle from us the best she could.

    ¡°After her last treatment, she got inside the car with a look I¡¯ve never seen on your mother¡¯s face before¡ªlike her entire spirit had been drained." He revealed. "The look on her face¡­just the heaviest look of worry. I asked what was wrong and¡­and she told me her doctor recommended hospice.¡±

    ¡°Hospice?¡± I answered, incredulously.

    ¡°I guess her Oncologist gave her the news her heart tissues were damaged, and she should consider hospice. I¡¯ll never forget the look on her face¡­" He paused. ''It scared her to death.¡±

    I thought nothing could rattle my mother¡ªshe believed in God and the afterlife too much. Hearing this from my father shook me greater than any earthquake ever could. No wonder she was so strong around us--she never truly believed cancer to be a death sentence.

    ¡°Were you at the hospital when she went into cardiac arrest?¡±

    ¡°I was there all day with her, but at three I got a call from the park. The kids needed me to put a volleyball net up. I told them I couldn¡¯t go¡ªmy wife was in the hospital.¡± He informed me, rubbing his reddened tired eyes. ¡°But your mother insisted she was fine and told me to go. I told her ¡°No Susie! They can have somebody else put up the damn net!¡± but she knew it would only take me fifteen minutes to put it up and I¡¯d be right back. After begging me to leave, I left her. I left her for fifteen minutes, Son. And the minute after I finished putting up that net, I got a call from the hospital telling me she went into full cardiac arrest. I rushed back and¡­well...¡±

    During my mother¡¯s battle, my father retreated to the park to escape the reality of her illness, but not this time. She felt fine and would only be away for fifteen minutes. What could go wrong in fifteen minutes after over fifty years together? We were both so unprepared for all of this¡ªwe knew she was sick but to lose her this way? So suddenly? I guess nothing in life happens the way you expect it to. Given the circumstances of my mother¡¯s illness and how far it progressed, I better understood why he let her go. Considering her quality of life, it would¡¯ve been selfish to hold on. As painful as it was to accept, it was her time to go.

    After wrapping up most of my eulogy, I folded the yellow piece of paper then placed it within my suit''s inside pocket. I then cleared my throat in an attempt to stymie my tears before finishing.

    ¡°No matter what she faced. Through all the times she visited a doctor¡¯s office for just one shot but receiving several, leaving her with a bruised arm because they were unable to locate a vein on her. Through all the chemo treatments that would leave her on the bathroom floor and with sores in her mouth so painful she couldn¡¯t eat a thing, not even a salad leaf. Through all the times she¡¯d wake up in the middle of the night just to put an ice pack on her arthritic hip just so she could try to sleep. Through all the hair and weight loss over the last year. Through all the pills that became so numerous she¡¯d have to jot down notes to remember how to take them. Through all the times she¡¯d have to swallow a liquid that illuminated her body just so she could take a PET scan only to receive more bad news a week later. Through all of that, not one single time did she ever burden us with her pain nor ever give us the slightest impression she was going to die any time soon. It really wasn¡¯t what she faced physically but what she faced mentally every day that would¡¯ve broken most people. Cancer may have taken the things that made her feel less beautiful as a woman, but it could never take away all that truly made her beautiful. My mother wasn¡¯t just an amazing woman, but an amazing human being.¡±

    I then paused to catch my breath to look upon the many people sitting at the pews, those I recognized from years past and some I didn''t. At least a hundred quiet attentive faces who seemed to understand her struggle now more intimately. Fighting off pins and needles of withdrawal symptoms I fought to continue.

    ¡°After I came home from the hospital the night she died, I laid upon her bed. I had a lot of questions why this happened to a person who¡¯s only guilty pleasure in life was maybe a Twinkie, here and there. She didn¡¯t smoke. She didn¡¯t drink. There was a lot not to understand. While lying on her pillow, I felt something on the side of my cheek. Reaching inside, I removed two pictures of Jesus along with a note titled ¡°Do You Know Me?¡±¡ªthings my mother slept with every single night. What I¡¯ve come to understand is that Cancer was my mother¡¯s cross and God gave her that cross to carry in front of us like Jesus did...knowing she could teach us a lot about Him. Just like Jesus, she had to endure pain and suffering, but it was her faith in God that gave her the strength and courage to carry that cross for as long as she did."

    Pausing for a few seconds, I ascended the stairs until I stood at the head of her casket, fighting back the urge to break down.

    ¡°Her strong faith in an entity she never saw gave her an immeasurable amount of strength. We used to have many interesting conversations about God¡¯s existence that usually ended up with me either arguing with her or fighting to bite my tongue.¡± I revealed before pausing to fight back the tears, remembering the time she invited me for lunch at the mall after Denise left me. When she mentioned God had better plans for me and how I lost it on her at a time her cancer returned.

    ¡°But in the end, I could never believe for a second, something that brought my mother so much strength could not exist. I now know God because of my mother¡¯s sacrifice.¡± I announced placing my hand on her casket hoping she heard me--that she was right about God all along.

    ¡°Mom, we did not know your pain because you were too noble to let us, but one thing was certain, we knew you. We have always known you. You are our hero. And most of all¡­we know you¡¯re in a better place with God, pain free and no longer suffering. We¡¯ll do our best not to be selfish, but please forgive us, because we¡¯re not in a better place without you here." I spoke as the tears began to break down my face, barely able to get the next words out. "But we promise you this. We will do whatever it takes in our lives to make sure we meet again.¡±

    I then paused one final time before finishing.

    ¡°We miss you. We love you. Until we meet again.¡±

    There was a strict policy at the church¡ªthe Eulogy could only last no more than five minutes. But, how do you talk about the greatest human being you¡¯ve ever known for only five minutes? Although the church police weren¡¯t happy with the length of my speech, I needed every single one of those ten minutes. And judging from the laughter and weeps heard in the crowd, we all did. Although I put my words to paper, I honestly didn¡¯t know if I had the strength to get through it. After seeing my mother for the last time, witnessing her great peace, I couldn¡¯t help but be sad for me but beyond happy for her¡ªthat she no longer had to deal with the hardships of Earth anymore. Her funeral became a celebration of her life more than a day of sadness. As hard as it was on me, this was about all the lives she touched on earth. A little over a hundred people in the church were grieving too¡ªthis wasn¡¯t just about my grief. This was about the joy of her being no longer earthbound. Seeing so many people in church that day, so many that cared, mostly faces I haven¡¯t seen in many years, made my heart break more than anything. We were all grieving. It was my job to comfort them, the way my mother did for twenty-four long years for me. I saw God¡¯s plan for my mother--that she fulfilled her duties here, her soul¡¯s purpose, and it was time for her to return home.

    The day after she passed, it felt my life had officially reached its nadir¡ªthe two most important females I¡¯ve ever known were now gone. With a mind consumed with grief, I notified my clients I needed time off¡ªto mentally check out of life to make sense of this sudden new one. Unable to work and without money to continue buying pills, along with the enormous guilt I felt my pill addiction had on my mother, I went cold turkey from a nearly thirty pill a day habit. What I didn¡¯t expect was how much it debilitated me after the first six hours. When hour twelve arrived, it felt like I¡¯d never feel life the same way before the addiction ever again. All the pain, all the stress and all the sadness I used the pills to fight against, was just deferred¡ªwaiting to gang up on me when I stopped. I should¡¯ve been in a hospital rehabbing from this nearly three year addiction, but no longer had health insurance. Instead, I fought each hour through relentless leg and arm syndrome, not allowing me to sleep a wink at night. This could only end up in one of two ways¡ªeither finding the strength within to no longer rely on them or losing everything left in life. At a time my father needed me, the unrelenting withdrawal symptoms crippled me.

    Three days after she passed, I visited my father. The minute I walked in the house, it felt completely lifeless. While sitting at the desk inside her bedroom to write her eulogy, the VCR suddenly whizzed¡ªI had forgotten she set it at noon each week day to tape ¡°Days of Our Lives¡±. It made me smile remembering the time I teased her about the show ¡°jumping the shark¡± when Marlena became possessed¡ªthe same way Happy Days seemed to end when Fonzi jumped an actual shark on a pair of skis. For a moment, it felt my mom was in her room with me.

    When my father informed me the funeral was not taking place until nine days after she died, it hit me in all the wrong places. It was a busy time for the funeral home but to imagine my mother lying in a box waiting to be laid to rest for over a week left me unsettled.

    ¡°That¡¯s the earliest time they had?¡± I inquired.

    ¡°I¡¯m afraid so.¡± Replied my father.

    I shook my head. ¡°Alright.¡±

    ¡°I know.¡± He said, handing me an envelope. ¡°Your mother gave this to me to hold onto until she died.¡±

    ¡°What is it?¡± I replied, taking it from his hand.

    ¡°Something she wrote for you.¡± He told me. ¡°I have to go to the park. Lock up when you leave.¡±

    ¡°Thanks.¡± I nodded. ¡°Will do.¡±

    When I heard the back door close, I opened the sealed envelope.

    Softly As I Leave You

    Life is so uncertain, this we all may know¡­

    No one knows the time or day, when they¡¯ll have to go.

    Though now my time has come to leave you, to face this world alone¡­

    These promises I make to you

    To give you strength to carry on.

    When the sunlight awakens you, I¡¯ll be there too.

    When the moon shines on your pillow¡­I¡¯ll be shining on you.

    I¡¯ll be the cooling breeze, as it rustles through the trees¡­

    I¡¯ll be in the pouring rain, as it hits your window pane.

    When the darkness dims your vision, close your eyes and look above,

    I¡¯ll be standing right beside you, you will always have my love.

    May peace and comfort be upon you,

    Hold our happy memories close.

    For in our hearts we know that no matter where you go¡­

    Is where I¡¯ll always be.

    Landyn,

    You were my only child and I always overprotected you¡­but only because I loved you so much.

    Don¡¯t let anyone change you. You¡¯re a wonderful person. You gave me much happiness.

    Love,

    Mom

    I loved our times together, Lakers, eating, etc.etc.etc.

    Two tacos ????

    Don¡¯t forget your prayers. God is where I got my strength!

    I am in heaven, where I want to be, and soon we will be together, you and me.

    I read when a person dies, their soul usually doesn¡¯t immediately go to heaven¡ªthat they hang around to help console those who are grieving and even witness their own funeral. After the VCR came to life, I believed my mother found a way to speak to me while I visited. It was something my soul desperately needed with all the guilt and withdrawal symptoms threatening to break me. It helped take me away from the pain of feeling I stole much needed peace from her through my addiction. A dependency so great, she reached for her only remaining pills to help see me through while likely knowing she was not coming home to save me from myself. Leaving me beyond sick to know she had to worry a single second about a man who was truly blessed in this life who choose to wallow in his self-pity instead. In the eyes of God, I had to be his Frankenstein¡ªa creature gone bad in the lab after all the excess undeserved worry I put her through. Unable to forgive myself, the written words in my hand were equivalent to her hand being on my shoulder at a time I desperately needed it.

    Knowing she was at peace and no longer suffering, her funeral provided some relief from her loss. The real miracle though began taking shape¡ªrealizing without God, I truly had nothing¡ªthat truly having nothing would be believing for a second, I¡¯d never see my mother¡¯s face again¡ªa chance I couldn¡¯t take. The week after her passing, I felt her presence. Traffic seemed lighter than usual, not irritating me in the slightest bit. It even seemed drivers were making an effort to not be in my way. There was a pink hue that appeared on the ceiling in my bedroom each day disappearing only at night. I thought at first it was the sunlight coming through my blinds, but it was there when the lights were on as well. After seeing it a few times, it felt like she was watching over me.

    The more I sensed God''s presence, it left me reeling from all the times I cursed his name, blaming him for everything under the sun without any consideration of the blessings and free will he bestowed upon me. I may not have the love of my life, and chances are now I likely never will, but he gave me the greatest mother anyone could have ever hoped to have. I would¡¯ve probably handled my break-up with Anya a little better if He were a part of my life the way he began to be. For forty-one years he blessed me with the best parent any man, woman or child could ever have. Who taught me the true meaning of love and the power of hope¡ªa person who made sure I¡¯d have a relationship with Him and who taught me that life, in and of itself, was a miracle and there was nothing mundane about it. Embracing my deep sorrow, He allowed her to be there for me, even just as a pink hue on my ceiling. It made me pay attention to as many signs as possible that maybe she was trying to communicate with me, and although I never heard a sound or saw a sign from her, my belief in God never waned. Vowing to see my mother one day, I would do my best to live the life God intended for me by paying attention to the signs He leaves me¡ªthe signs He leaves for all of us when we start trusting in His existence.

    My newfound belief in God did not stop the relentless symptoms of withdrawal. The sleepless nights unable to sit still in my bed, full of tension and restlessness only intensified¡ªmy entire central nervous system ceaselessly on fire. Severely hydrated from emptying out my guts nearly every hour on the hour, I grabbed the phone one night to call an ambulance but feared they could care less about a drug addict who brought this all upon himself. For nearly six months I battled nightly, fighting off the incredible tension of acute arm and leg restless syndrome leaving me in my bathroom on my hands and knees at two a.m. every night. And when it finally wore my body out enough to rest for an hour or two, the sun was shining vibrantly through my bedroom window refusing to curb the torture. Mercifully, the withdrawal symptoms began to dissipate, allowing me to sleep two to three hours a night but a dark depression began to fall over me¡ªthe reality of my mother¡¯s death now coming into complete focus. During the afternoon, I¡¯d turn on a talk show and see all the people in the crowd enjoying life. I¡¯d watch people walk by me, making plans and laughing, and it would break me down wishing I could feel the way they did. The pills had taken away my natural ability to feel pleasure, my nerve receptors still pining for the drugs to fulfill its needs. If there was ever a time that jumping off a bridge was a reality, there was no time greater than this. Only my new found faith kept me nailed to the ground. I just wish I had trusted His plan for me sooner.

    My new found belief in God also led me to the belief, that my mind, eyes and heart were truly on God when I made the decision to date Anya. Notwithstanding knowing how this may appear to my mother, I factored Him in but I truly believed in the eyes of God, Anya was not married. That only in the eyes of the wicked, self-righteous, money loving demons of society on Earth was she married to Jackson¡ªthe place the devil now runs loose. A stance I¡¯m willing to take until my day of judgment. And if the Lord¡¯s judgment differs from my own, I will accept his verdict. But I would stand there, not with indignance or defiance, but with the knowledge I truly loved Anya¡ªthe way he loved his own children, and my reasons were not simply for my own pleasure. I suffered greatly by choosing to love her without reservations, with all the trust in the world she would never lead me down the wrong path. If there was a price for doing so, then I¡¯ve paid it back tenfold already.

    In late November, a little over a year after my mother¡¯s death, on a cold Saturday evening, I took a walk through the Naples area, curious to see if Sonomas was still catering to the young crowd. There was always the chance an encounter with Anya could take place, but the chances were slim to none¡ªthe restraining order barring me from any contact anyway. I hadn¡¯t seen her in over two years and had walked this area many times over. As I passed many of the towering streetlights and those enjoying the nightlife, the powers we cannot see, that tell us there is no such thing as coincidence in life, allowed that chance encounter to manifest itself.

    I always believed on that day in court, the reason she held Jackson¡¯s hand was only because she was forced to do so, an effort to provoke me into confronting them. But, as I walked past Anya, this time she was nestled close to his chest, his right arm wrapped tightly around her waist bringing her lips close enough to be heard through whispers to each other, like we used to do together in bed. Proving what is done in the dark will always be brought out into the light.

    And as I walked right past them, knowing she saw me and he didn¡¯t, I realized my mother was right.

    She did play me for a fool.

    The world¡¯s greatest.

 CHAPTER 39 ~ P.T.S.D.

    ¡°Where do I heal when the river runs dry?

    How do I sweeten the bitter?

    A word decides our fate.

    And our silence condemns.¡±

    ~ ¡°Illusion¡± Soen

    After walking by them, I tried to pretend it left me unfazed but seeing my mother¡¯s words become prophetic unsettled my new found faith--one founded on the premise of ¡°forgiveness¡±. What I witnessed on this night was akin to treason; proving how easy it was for her to say things to build my trust without ever having to be transparent. Opting instead to hide behind the opaque facade of her marriage. On this night someone sensed my plight. My unwillingness to believe that a world so dark existed. My ineptness to buy in that I could be so easily deceived¡ªthat I was that dumb. After all we shared. After all she ever said to me. After all she allowed and encouraged me to feel for her. After all her visits to my apartment. After all the times she initiated our physical intimacy. After all of it, regardless of my lack of patience, Jackson should have never been an option. If I had seen her with another man, I would¡¯ve been affected, but not like this. Not after all she told me about him. Not after all I lost because of all she shared; after promising me she would be with me if she fell in love with me. Not after she sold me that this was not a ¡°marriage.¡± She intentionally and purposely lied to me and didn¡¯t give a fuck about it because of who Jackson was. More than willing to let the dog loose on me knowing he¡¯d come after me feeling justified fighting for his ¡°family¡±.

    I continued walking for another five blocks before passing something that caught my eye¡ªtheir parked car along the busy roadside. Continuing to walk further my seething mind stopped me in my tracks¡ªthese horrible human beings needed to be called out on their deception. What was she thinking? That she could just jump back into her marriage without consequence after ruining my life? I trusted her. Even the romantic singer, Lance, trusted her but he got out because he knew her circle. Anya has played the victim role for so long she forgot one important thing¡ªshe no longer was one. When that realization came into play¡ªshe instead victimized the people who cared and who trusted in her pain, her anguish, her desperation¡ªmorphing into the real monster. As I waited by her car, hoping for the chance to confront them, especially after the courtroom shenanigans, I recalled the time she told me ¡°I wish you were psycho¡±. For her to wish that on a conscious level, her game was evident then¡ªlovebombing me with words and then actions to turn me into a threat then having the audacity to tell me I was ¡°forming my own stories and conclusions¡±. Tonight proved she confused my formation of stories and conclusions with the application of logical deductive reasoning. Now, the lies had caught up to them and their days of deception were done forever. If Jackson got physical, I was prepared to submerge him into the next day. Letting his wife paint the town without any consideration for the feelings of others had consequences. It wasn¡¯t my fault the only men she knew in life before me were disrespectful douchebags. Apparently men who objectified her beauty had always been her type...until the inequity in their marriage came into play. There was no changing her, love never mattered to her. As long as he covered the cost of her and the kids high maintenance life styles, he could cheat all he wanted to. She had the best of both worlds in her marriage. She could go on girlfriend vacations, blow and fuck other men and Jackson would take her back anyway all in the name of family. But they were both about to find out in life there are consequences for that behavior. What I saw as a really important lesson for the kids they kept in a bubble to learn. One of those things in life they would never learn from a textbook. That this is what happens when evil people posing as the righteous do bad things to good people.

    How could she have allowed and encouraged me to fall deeply in love with her if she cared more about the fa?ade of her marriage over her feelings for me? If she was going to leave the decision to be with me in the hands of children? Her family? Her coworkers? Worst yet, the pig she married? She had to have known I never stood a chance from day one and it''s why she tried to let me go. The problem was this...she did it far too late even after asking me to fight for her. Such that every time she knew she was guilty of hurting me and tried to pull away, I was in fight mode. My mother was right¡­she played me for a complete fool. That¡¯s what my soulmate truly thought of me¡ªa damn fool.

    All I could focus on was how she viewed herself as an honest person, yet never gave me more than half the truth. Only telling me the things she wanted me to hear but not the things I needed to hear. I love you forever¡ªas long as it¡¯s a secret. Money and things don¡¯t lead to happiness¡ªbut if I were with you I¡¯d have to be on a budget. All the things she fed me sprinkled with disclaimers here and there that she purposely omitted in the beginning so I¡¯d pursue the relationship and ¡°fight¡± for her. I know she feared losing me nearly as much as I feared losing her but if she told me the entire truth, I wouldn''t be angry about all of this. She knew from day one we weren''t in this to just end up as friends forever. She never gave me the chance to understand and let her go by intentionally omitting important things I needed to know in the beginning before I fell so deeply. Only allowing myself to fall so hard because I truly believed with every inch of my being that it''s what she hoped, wished and dreamt for...but even that was a half truth after also telling me "I''m happy when my kids are happy" and being unwilling to make a promise to ever leave. Only a person who lives a life of entitlement could be so bold.

    Anya seemed to be a fraud in every single way her husband was. Maybe they were just the same person more than her and I ever were or could be. She told me one time she told Jackson he should have married a "stripper". After seeing her lips near his knowing where her lips have been, it looks like he did. I never agreed for a single day to support the facade of her marriage to anyone. I felt I made it clear on our first date after we reconnected...either we were together if we fell in love or we would not pursue a relationship. I asked her what she needed from me and I did everything asked of me for two years yet seeing her cozying up to a demon was my reward. This is how she grew from our "love"? She thinks she is a better person now with him still as her husband? How could I not feel used? She didn''t grow or learn a damn thing. Their marriage was a sham¡ªa destructive union of two people who ruined the marriages and lives of others, even doing so under the guise of ¡°protecting their children¡± by bearing false witness. How could God be proud of that knowing I¡¯m not the monster they claim I am?

    The worst part of all was loving me any way she wanted yet not allowing me to love her the way I wanted to. She told me horrible things about her husband, without telling me who he was, motivating me to protect her then tells me over a year later "I don''t want you to think he¡¯s a bad guy". Now as it stands, the man who never dishonored or used her to build a business was the "bad guy". What did she expect from someone who loves her? That a man wouldn¡¯t want to face this chump for her after all she told me about him? How could she even dare to tell me all these horrible things allowing me to develop deep feelings for her, then protect his "feelings"? She was no better than the witch at her baseball games.

    I stood by her car and patiently paced about thinking of all the things I couldn¡¯t wait to tell them. I didn¡¯t know what the repercussions would be because of the restraining order but I¡¯d do everything in my power not to break it. But this is why she basically lied to get it¡ªshe knew what she did to me was purely evil. After it manifested itself tonight, I deserved answers from her. Why did she punish me for his crimes? Why did you make a date with me to specifically tell me he cheated on you when it was all water under the bridge and you weren''t ambivalent to your marriage? Worst yet, why did you allow and encourage me to fall in love with you if you were still sleeping with him? Why did you ask me if I''d fight for you when you''ve stayed for so long because you didn''t want to be like the "general public" and you were parading around as the perfect couple? I told her several times if she stayed, I¡¯d feel she chose him over me. Now what do you have to say, Anya? Am I still forming my own truth and conclusions? After all we experienced physically and emotionally together, this is your choice? After two years together in a relationship we celebrated month anniversaries, how could you continue living such a dishonest life? What did you lose, Anya? I could tell you all I lost. You told me things would never be the same again for you. What''s changed or was that another half-truth? How could you have your lips so close to his after all you told me about him? Even affecting my relationship with my mother? Even leading me right into a drug addiction to deal with the pain your half-truths caused? Even causing me to lose focus and my career as a partner I worked years for? How could you look him in his eyes after all we shared? Knowing the places your lips have been? I just couldn¡¯t believe she was this deceitful.

    After an hour passed and there was no sign of two pigs in slop, I decided to walk away from their car. When I returned to the same spot not five minutes later, the car was gone. She had seen me and knew¡ªlikely watching me the entire time. Knowing a major confrontation was about to take place and after realizing her two year game of claiming her marriage was for show, she ran like the runner she was. Although it stole the opportunity to confront them, with all the raw emotions it would¡¯ve likely not ended well for anyone of us. It did feel good to know she knew her deceit had caught up to her and it disrupted their night.

    Putting my car into drive with a mind primed to leap off a bridge, it hit me¡ªDebbie was not a protected party on the restraining order. I could contact her by sending an email to her Facebook account without violating the restraining order as long as I told her not to tell Anya about it. That my communication was intended to vent to Debbie and not intended for Anya. If Debbie chose to tell or show Anya, then that would be her decision after asking her not to. Since the source of my pain had gotten away knowing exactly the depth of her crime, this was an option to coax me off the bridge. After all I did for Anya and all she allowed me to believe in and feel, this was too much on me to just remain silent¡ªmy tortured heart, mind, and soul now off the rails. Like my mother¡¯s death, this night was something I wasn¡¯t prepared for.

    <u>11/17/2012, 10:32 pm</u>

    Hi Debbie,

    I wanted to apologize for the email I sent to you a couple of years ago. I don¡¯t know what I was thinking. That was just a crazy email. Again, this email is sent directly to you. It¡¯s not meant as any communication in any shape or form to Anya. This email is a direct communication to you only. If you choose to block me after receipt of this email, I won¡¯t have any problem with that at all. I think it¡¯s for the best. I think I know why you have kept this line open to me. A little over a year ago, I lost my mom. Even though she was sick, it was unexpected. I thought something like that would destroy me, but seeing her pass changed me as a person. I decided to start building a relationship with God and also kicked an addiction to painkillers. The reason I took them was because I didn¡¯t want to burden my mother, and others, with the pain caused by the fallout I had with Anya. Two weeks before she died, my mom told me plain and simply, and matter of factly, ¡°She played you for a fool¡±. I took it to heart. My mom didn¡¯t know all I shared with Anya to make such a claim.

    I pose this question to you, Debbie. How does a mother betray her kids by being in love with a man who read the ¡°Twilight¡± series with her? Can you answer that question? That was my cue though, and I missed it; my mother was right, I was played for a fool and I didn¡¯t listen. An hour ago, I just saw Anya and Jackson walking together. She was holding his arm as if he had never mistreated her a day in his life. My mother allowed me to see this. There is no such thing as coincidence in this world, only God¡¯s will. I learned tonight Anya completely played with my heart. For two years, she played a game with my heart and emotions and over the last three years, I¡¯ve struggled mightily getting over her, even believing she would never engage in a public display of affection with this man. She was too good of a person to do something like this to anyone, let alone me. I learned tonight, she deceived me about how she truly felt about him. I thought I was being irrational to even question her love. Seeing this tonight though was exactly what I needed to see. Don¡¯t think for a second I don¡¯t know that you girls have been cheated on too. Don¡¯t believe for a second, I didn¡¯t hear how many times Anya thought you were a whiner, Debbie, when I always held the belief you were the only one of real character because I never saw you dating other men.

    Tonight, I stand corrected. I am no longer a fool. I¡¯m going to look into suing her for perjury and defamation of character for the lies she told a judge about me. This isn¡¯t about the money. I¡¯ll just pay my lawyer and donate all the proceeds, if I win, to a charity for people who have been wrongfully accused of crimes. Even if I lose, I know I won because this will get her deceit on court records and expose her for the person she really is, and she really needs to be brought to task for the way she feels she can treat people. It¡¯s sad what a little money does to a person¡ªit really is. This isn¡¯t about a broken heart. Trust me, I would never want to be with a liar and an adulterer like Anya. This is about allowing a decent man to be in a position to be greatly harmed by lying to powerful people about him. Then hiding these people she knew from him, that put him in a position to be harmed if he ever embraced his emotions and feelings he was encouraged to have.

    There will be no more emails from me. I apologize for them all. I really hope you girls grow up though. If you¡¯re not happy in your shitty marriages, GET OUT. Don¡¯t use good people. Act like adults, not like your kids. I¡¯m a good person. I don¡¯t use people and I don¡¯t play games. I wear my heart on my sleeve, I treat women with respect and I am loyal to a fault. If you lie to me though, and play with my heart, I have every right in the world to tell you how that makes me feel and that¡¯s truly the extent of all I ever did. Anya had a marriage and a family of her own to fall back on. I had a dying mother and a lost career because I trusted in her ¡°love¡± and all she told me about her filthy husband. I think that would make anyone in my shoes reasonably angry at that person. All my communication to anyone was done in self- defense, and was not harassment in any way, shape or form.

    Also, please do not ever come up to me and pretend you¡¯re my friend. If you¡¯re a friend of Anya, you¡¯re not a friend of mine. All of you girls need to get right with God. Big time. No one more than Anya, and with the grace of God, I will bring her to justice legally for what she did so she can maybe teach her kids that you don¡¯t lie to get ahead in life, and that honesty is always the best policy.

    Good-bye.

    <u>11/18/2012, 1:35 am</u>

    One more thing, it¡¯s not about Anya being happy in her marriage. That¡¯s not what upset me. What upset me is that she lied to me about everything. She didn¡¯t even tell me she was married until after a 2 hour intimate conversation and the only reason she ever did was because my friend told her to. She told me to ¡°Sweep me off my feet¡±. I go all in for two years trusting in her love and she pulls this shit? It¡¯s strictly the dishonesty and it affected my life in a huge way otherwise I would have let this all go a long time ago. Talk about making someone sick to their stomach. She is a serpent¡ªno longer just a horrible person but an evil one. I can¡¯t believe she is the product of a Christian upbringing. All I wanted from her was an apology. A sincere apology for what she did. Not a kiddie apology like ¡°I¡¯m sorry from the bottom of my heart¡±. A real apology for lying to me and trust me I could let it all go¡ªat least I¡¯d know it wasn¡¯t me. Instead, she makes me feel like the one who ruined our relationship while she¡¯s getting drunk at night, throwing parties, walking around the house naked, having sex with her husband and promoting her marriage as if it has never hurt a soul. She lied to me BIG time and she knows no remorse whatsoever. That¡¯s what upsets me. Anyway, just wanted to let you know I¡¯m only upset because she¡¯s the biggest liar on the face of the planet. I could care less if she¡¯s parading around with that scumbag as if he was the greatest husband on the planet. They are both horrible human beings and will be judged by God one day. I hope purposely wrecking my life with lies was worth losing eternity over.

    After sending that second email to Debbie, I started my car and put it into drive thinking about the things I made known. A few seconds later though I was back in park.

    <u>11/18/2012, 1:39 am</u>

    I know her argument will be ¡°I tried to let him go¡±. No. First, Anya doesn¡¯t try anything genuinely with her heart. Second, you tell someone the real reason you are letting them go so they can understand and move on. Third, every time she let me go, I¡¯d get a text the next day or a week later asking if she could come over. I love her and she is my life, so how am I going to say no? After witnessing this tonight, I just feel so used and played. I never believed it. I never trusted anything people told me because they simply didn¡¯t know. They were never in my room with us. I¡¯m a fool. Plain and simple. I hope she feels really good about herself.

    <u>11/18/2012, 2:03 am</u>

    My last message. I want ALL of them to come after me. All of her people. Everyone she and Jackson knows. Cops included. I want all the people you guys know, to come after me. I dare any one of them. There¡¯s no doubt I have God and the truth on my side and trust me on this¡­I¡¯m going to make sure there is no political corruption this time around. Anya and Jackson both need to learn you do not lie about people to intentionally hurt their lives in order to save face. Ok, I¡¯m done.

    After sending one last message to Debbie, at two in the morning, I sat in my car contemplating my next move. There was no silver lining available anymore to comfort my mind. Although I questioned Anya¡¯s love and intentions to be with me, I never truly believed she¡¯d lie to me about what I saw this evening¡ªthat there truly was "no marriage". And if there was ever a chance she¡¯d work on her marriage that she would never have allowed or encouraged me to feel so much for her. I could understand why she felt she betrayed her kids¡ªbecause I¡¯d struggle at times and she had to then disengage herself from their needs to deal with me. But that was a non-existent issue if she followed through with what she promised me when we first started our relationship. No doubt she did have an "inexperienced heart" and she went with what "felt right at the time" but she couldn¡¯t go around telling any man the things she did with zero plans to be with them. Telling any man who deeply loved her because of what she led him to trust in, that she "thought she was doing the right thing" then complaining she is being "punished" when that man only wants her love to become a verb and not just a noun. Nope, I was the one who was punished for holding her accountable for the things she told me before we started to pursue our relationship. That if I swept her off her feet she would be with me¡ªperiod. If her kids, among others, were going to be the ultimate decision makers if we''d be together then she needed to tell me the night we pursued our relationship. I also felt, after all the horrible things she told me about her husband, that telling him it was over would be the easiest thing to do. Tonight proved she betrayed me and not the other way around. Working on her marriage was an evil act in my eyes after all I¡¯ve lost trusting in her love for me. If she was truly honest with me in the beginning, then she would¡¯ve told me loving him was still an option for her giving me the chance to run for my life.

    Still seething the next evening and since Debbie hadn¡¯t blocked me, I wrote another email to her.

    <u>11/18/2012, 9:17 pm</u>

    I just wanted to communicate to you why I am so upset even 3 years later. I walked away from Anya because she was ¡°married¡± in 2007. When we reconnected 5 months later, she told me I had hurt her by walking away and that I was wrong to do so. Anya had 5 whole months and a guy she dated before me to come to the conclusion she was ¡°betraying¡± her kids. Um, no. She betrayed me and she betrayed herself. Personally, if our relationship would hurt her kids, I wouldn¡¯t have wanted that but I seriously doubt being in love with a guy who would read the ¡°Twilight¡± series with her qualifies as betraying her kids. Don¡¯t ask me to sweep you off your feet and when I do, pull the rug out from under me. Jackson was IN my social media account for two years and after all the terrible things she told me about him, I didn¡¯t expect for her to take his side and conspire against me; all because of money. Take away the money and then I could see her nobility in staying for the sake of the kids. Anya stays for the sake of Jackson¡¯s money. That¡¯s all she cares about is her reputation. You know as well as I know she was going nowhere. I don¡¯t see any real values being taught to their kids. With the exception of a good education, which I support and think is great, what real values are they learning? To lie in order to get ahead in life. To make a sale even if you have to lie to do so? That appearances are everything? To not be true to yourself? I received a letter Katie wrote from Anya that basically showed how her marriage and what they were learning from it was hurting their kids. The entire piece written by Katie showed how she was struggling to find who she really was and not what her parents wanted her to be. What she really likes and enjoys doing in life. It made me sick that Anya interpreted it in the manner that she was leaning anyway. She played with my heart. She knew it, and she thought that Katie¡¯s letter was a legitimate way out. She completely used me. At best, she was greatly attracted to me, but the woman has no idea, not even the slightest clue, what love really is. To see her chummy with a man she told me so many horrible things about. Things that only put me in the position to be harmed and to give her the best 5 years of my life (3 just trying to get past her) is absolutely despicable. It¡¯s almost worth it to me to break the restraining order to make sure she knew what she did was wrong, and although I¡¯d never hurt anyone in a physical manner, a confrontation may be in the works the next picture I see posted on the internet or if I run into them again. She has broken two commandments. Thou shalt not bear false witness and thou shalt not commit adultery. Like the scriptures say, it¡¯s easier for a camel to go through a needle than a rich person to enter into the kingdom of God. The people who put themselves at the center of the universe, and believe me, Anya and Jackson care about what everyone thinks about them, are the people who will dwell in hell for eternity. Anyway, I told Anya for years I felt like she wasn¡¯t being honest with me about her relationship with him at home. All I asked for was the truth. That¡¯s it. What could I do Debbie? At least I could walk away knowing it wasn¡¯t my fault, and then eventually, I could let it go, never allowing myself to believe she ever loved me, but that¡¯s not the kind of person Anya is. Instead, she told me over and over ¡°I love you, not him.¡±. ¡°I don¡¯t trust him¡± and ¡°I¡¯m only there for the kids¡±. She¡¯s a salesman just like her husband. She will say anything to make the sale. Throw in the love for politics and she has all the DNA of a liar. And that¡¯s what her kids are learning. To lie to save their hide even if it hurts someone¡¯s life the way it had hurt mine. I was in Anya¡¯s life out of the kindness of my heart and she took advantage of it. She said she ¡°couldn¡¯t help it¡±. Well, we saw what happened when I couldn¡¯t help things¡ªI get the cops called on me. Katie seems to be more mature than she is. I¡¯m really more disappointed that she could never recognize what she did, more than her lying to me. It¡¯s a huge character flaw and character flaws are embedded in that family¡¯s entire DNA. She is a super sick human being with a lot more issues than I have, and I¡¯m going to do everything in my power legally to make sure she doesn¡¯t lie to anyone ever again the way she lied to and about me. We¡¯ll see what happens. I¡¯m better prepared for things this time around. Sorry for the emails. I don¡¯t mean to bombard you or to put you down, but I cannot believe that another human being, one that I truly loved, could do this to another human being. I am just blown away by her inhumanity.

    <u>11/18/2012, 9:29 pm</u>

    Sorry. Just one last thing. I can¡¯t reiterate this enough. This is not about a broken heart at all. Anya had every right to dump me if she wanted to, and I would be just fine. I just truly believed what we had was real to ever see what I witnessed last night with her and Jackson. This is about her lying to me about her ¡°situation¡± and her true feelings, which put me at a great emotional disadvantage (She had another relationship and kids to fall back on and I had a dying mother and lost my job) that put me in a great position to be harmed by the people she knows and the life she hid from me. She put me in a position to be harmed and in fact, was harmed by her lies. That¡¯s all this is about. No more. No less.

    Seeing the one I¡¯d always love cozying it up with the man she told me so many horrible things about just tore me into pieces. I thought my renewed kinship with God and working towards becoming a man of peace was strong enough to face this kind of thing. The problem was I had been a man without Jesus for too long. My newfound peace disturbed after fighting severe withdrawal symptoms for six months and then feeling the intense grief of losing of my mother. To see Anya this way came at the worst possible time--when my life never seemed more not worth living. The dullness of life now sharper than ever. There were now two great losses in my life¡ªmy mother and all I ever believed and hoped not to be true about the absolute love of my life. I knew my life was a gift from God and he put me here for a purpose, but the demon who infiltrated my soul had a tighter grasp than He did. There was no purpose in living anymore.

    I couldn¡¯t believe I could pursue life so passionately and have absolutely nothing to show for it. Without my mother, my father and I became closer, but there was nothing about life to feel inspired about. The drugs badly damaging my receptors leaving me with the inability to feel joy, gratitude or pleasure. It was only a matter of days before my landlord would evict me. The last thing my father needed was a son who would only be a financial burden. Leaving this world made the most sense.

    The night I saw Anya and Jackson together in a warm public embrace reminded me when I told her that kids needed to see their parents being affectionate towards each other. My opinion based upon her telling me ¡°I never kiss him back" when we first met. She never responded to that but now it made sense why. Here I was fighting for her to see how the marriage was hurting her children when it seems now the opposite was always true. I¡¯d be a fool to believe this kind of display didn¡¯t happen while we were together or even before we met. There were probably times when she felt upset with him enough not to kiss him back, but I¡¯m sure a few days later with a drink in her hand, she got over it. More than ever, it proved it wasn¡¯t just ¡°sex¡± she was having with him fifteen years into her marriage. It also proved without a doubt she not only didn''t sleep on the opposite side of the bed but it also didn''t make her sick kissing him passionately. Now I had my answer why he felt so bold trying to kiss her passionately after the New Year''s Eve she promised me not to kiss him. I also recalled the time she told me ¡°he made those mistakes in the past¡± as if he never chipped her heart away and how I downplayed her statement as nothing to be alarmed about. The truth was, the cheating never really bothered her until she met me, only using it to hook me. I guess she felt I should be honored to be loved by her but the truth was she didn¡¯t know what love was. She never dreamt of it and claimed to marry out of convenience. Little did I know, she was too infatuated with herself for any man to be able to show her what it meant to love someone. If she truly loved me, she would¡¯ve faced everyone with pride. Instead, she listened to how everyone else would feel about her and my fate was sealed. If I had known input from others would hold more weight than her love for me; that her love for me was silly to feel and irrational believing in, I would''ve never opened my heart up to her.

    I waited by her car that night because I wanted answers. I wanted to know why I was used and lied to. Why she allowed and encouraged me to be her hero only to leave me feeling like a zero. Why the man who dishonored her was not punished and the man who would never cheat on her was. I¡¯m not saying Anya didn¡¯t genuinely love me. I¡¯m sure what she felt for me was real¡ªI¡¯m confident in that. I¡¯m angry because she hid the real reasons why she was still there, allowing me to fall without reservations. Allowing me to feel justified in fighting for her while she clandestinely chose to listen to the people around her instead. If she planned to hand off the keys of the car to her philandering husband and her two kids then she needed to be honest about that in the beginning. If she had simply done that, I¡¯d have no right to be upset with what I witnessed. It¡¯s all on me. Instead, she chose to omit important details by giving me only half the truth about her life. The dead giveaway being when I asked her to make a promise to be with me after San Diego and her responses were ¡°what¡± and ¡®what is wrong with you¡±. The fact she couldn¡¯t promise me a date or a time frame, even if it was years down the road, told me what I witnessed that night was not only happening at that time but also before we met--telling me she wasn''t in love with her husband without telling me she still had feelings for him¡ªanother half truth she disguised as the entire truth. The only entire truth she told me in the beginning was that she was married.

    It wasn''t long before I regretted sending those emails to Debbie¡ªmy emotions were far too raw. Without my mother to vent to, I had nowhere else to turn but the decision to do what I needed to survive the night now left me reeling inside. Judicial Officer Shamm did not forbid me from communicating with her friends, so there was no willful intent to violate the order. If I truly had any intent to violate the restraining order, I would¡¯ve not used a middle man, or woman. I would have just contacted Anya or Jackson directly. Since she never blocked me and feeling deeply depressed the day after the first Christmas without my mother, I sent her another email to smooth things out.

    <u>12/26/2012, 12:21 am</u>

    Hi Debbie,

    I¡¯m going to shoot you one last email. First, I wanted to apologize to you for my emails. Even though I didn¡¯t think it was right that both you and Carolyn enabled Anya to have a relationship with me after (1) her relationship with Lance failed and (2) knowing all about her life of appearances and money. You both had to know she hurt Lance too. I know you have a son, Debbie. I don¡¯t think you¡¯d appreciate it if a woman had done to your son what Anya did to me. I¡¯d hope that would make you pretty angry. I hope and pray yours, Carolyn¡¯s and even Anya¡¯s son, Andrew, never gets to experience the true motives of most attractive women today and get their trust funds drained because of it.

    Over the last three years I¡¯ve been through a lot. I carried a heavy heart having to be there for a very sick parent while also carrying a broken heart. Losing my job didn¡¯t help matters and added to my stress level and frustration. I know everyone thinks it¡¯s my fault I lost my job, but you also have to keep in mind, my job was a mental one. It wasn¡¯t a social job, entertaining people at dinners and events. I had an office but there was never any real privacy. I was pretty much out in the open with a lot on my plate mentally. I started to take medication to deal with it, but it only added to my problems and I was never able to really heal. I was never able to reach this point because the drugs gave me a false sense of reality. I¡¯m back in reality now. No more self-induced numbness. While Anya and her ¡°family¡± are off skiing having a blast, which I truly hope they are, I¡¯m dealing with a really rough Christmas. My mom was Christmas for me. From the sweaters she always wore, to her crazy Christmas toys, to her baked goodies, to even the stockings she still always filled for me. This holiday season has been a lot tougher than the last 3 years on me combined. I used to believe in God when I was a kid, but I became agnostic and at times, borderline atheist, over the years (education and bad experiences will do that), but I¡¯ve never had a real relationship with Him until now. He has brought me to the reason behind this email. I can¡¯t open my heart to God, or truly begin to have a relationship with him until I forgive Anya for what she did to me. I know she feels she ¡°betrayed¡± her family, but I¡¯m one of God¡¯s children too. She hurt me every bit as bad, if not more than anyone. I wouldn¡¯t be sending out an email, 3 years after the fact, especially to her friend, if she didn¡¯t. However, it is not my place to judge her. It is God¡¯s place to do that, and I have faith He will. I can handle a broken heart, but the circumstances surrounding everything were tough for me to comprehend when I explained to her the reasons I walked away when we first reconnected. Even after I told Anya I didn¡¯t want to get hurt, she hurt me without blinking an eye. I must forgive her for it all though. It¡¯s a must. I want to free my heart of this pain. By forgiving Anya, it doesn¡¯t mean I¡¯m not going to be upset about what she did. It doesn¡¯t mean I¡¯ll forget. All it means is I forgive her. I thought I wanted revenge. I don¡¯t. I just want peace.

    You may be wondering what Anya did. I¡¯m sure Anya would have you believe this is all on me. It was Landyn who forced her to tell Jackson. It was Landyn who put her in position to do the things she did to me. I see my role in that, but I also reached out to her and apologized for my role in that. The problem I then had with Anya was that I never received the same in return which basically told me she thinks she did nothing wrong to me. In essence, I¡¯m sure she feels she has nothing to be forgiven for. So, I want to lay it all out for you from my point of view so you have both. Here is all I forgive her for.

    <ul style="text-align: justify">

    <li>She told me she would promise to be with me if I ¡°swept¡± her off her feet. She asked if I would fight for her, and I told her I would. When I asked her if she truly meant it afterwards, she told me she did. After I went all in to sweep her off her feet. After enduring many heart wrenching events, including a trip to Spain with an excursion of 3 days in Tenerife, one of the Canary Islands, with a man she told me she was not in love with because he cheated on her multiple times. After I went all in to fight for her like she requested me to do. She then, without any warning, left the decision in the hands of her 10 and 12 year old kids, a husband who cheated on her multiple times, her neighbors, her ¡°conservative¡± friends, her congregation, her nanny, her employees, and her mom and dad. She had no right to encourage me to sweep her off her feet when the decision would not even be hers to make, but rather ne placed by her in the hands of others who didn¡¯t know her struggle or pain, especially if she would sacrifice our relationship for anyone. It was only fair to let me know in the beginning if she was willing to make any sacrifices no matter what I did.</li>

    <li>She told me ¡°I don¡¯t kiss him¡±. ¡°I¡¯m not in love with him¡±. ¡°I love you forever¡±. ¡°I don¡¯t want to seek counseling¡±. ¡°I love you, not him¡±. And the list goes on and on for two years. She told me of the multiple infidelities and how angry she is about them, yet she still shared the same bed with him. She even still had sex with him. She knew all of this and withheld it from me. You just do not ever encourage people to develop deep feelings for you, ask those same people to sweep you off your feet and to fight for you, if you have no plans to change anything.</li>

    <li>Plain and simply she took advantage of a man who has never been married. A man who was ignorant to all the nuances in a marriage. She played semantics with me (not in love without telling me she still loved him).</li>

    <li>After I had given her my heart. After I had endured a ton, so she could have happiness in her life (at least all what she led me to believe). After I opened my home to her. She gave my name and other personal information to a public official in her neighborhood. A complete stranger to me.</li>

    <li>For every time I questioned her love and she¡¯d get mad at me for it, as if I had no right considering she did not change a thing about her relationship with Jackson. Don¡¯t tell me you love me. Show me you love me. Not much to ask for if you love someone.</li>

    <li>For allowing a relationship she told me was ¡°love¡± to be used as making things even with a guy who cheated on his pregnant wife with a married woman because he couldn¡¯t have the sex they used to have. If Anya just wanted a sexual relationship with me, fill me in so I could have made the best decision for my heart. That¡¯s all I asked for. She didn¡¯t have to be with me. She didn¡¯t have to love me. All I asked for was honesty, but then again, I guess I couldn¡¯t expect it from someone who chooses to be dishonest every day of her life, even to herself.</li>

    <li>For telling her friends that I believed ¡°her life is horrible to me¡± after I heard nearly everyday how stressed out and in ¡°love¡± with me she was. After she approached me, asked for my phone number, set up a date to tell me all the terrible things she did about her husband, so I would be inclined to try and sweep her off her feet. Initiate all the meetings and every text and communications for 2 years, even hiding from me her life so the relationship could continue. She even told me she hated her life! I loved her and wanted a life for her she loved. I could be wrong, but I don¡¯t see many people whose life isn¡¯t horrible doing these kinds of things. Her life infected mine. I had every right to say how I felt about it. I had every right to want the best for her and I know for a fact, her staying for the kids wasn¡¯t the best for her, but rather the best for everyone else.</li>

    <li>For telling me ¡°I¡¯m there because I don¡¯t think anyone would want to be with a divorcee who has baggage¡±. When the truth was ¡°I¡¯m there because of what my husband¡¯s money provides me and the kids with¡±. Big difference and this is a shining example that she didn¡¯t tell me the truth at the very beginning of our relationship.</li>

    <li>For telling me ¡°I¡¯m married!¡±, the last day we spoke after two years of telling me it was only a ¡°situation¡±. Even telling me ¡°It¡¯s not a marriage¡± to encourage me even further.</li>

    <li>For threatening me with charges of harassment when all I ever wanted from her was the truth she wasn¡¯t giving me, so I could leave her alone and move on.</li>

    <li>For lying to a judge claiming I threatened to kidnap her kids, and that I had been outside her home. Both complete and vicious lies.</li>

    <li>For asking me for a necklace without telling me she would hide it in a drawer, just wanted it as a souvenir and only wear it when we saw each other.</li>

    <li>Wishing me the ¡°best in life¡± but never allowing me a true sense of closure. I would never dream of doing that to anyone and I¡¯d never criticize them for their anger with me if I denied them that.</li>

    <li>For sharing so many details of the lives of her kids to only pit them against me. Don¡¯t allow me to feel something for them, too. Wrong on every level. Again, I never told Anya I¡¯d be okay with just being a secret IF she fell in love with me, which I was led to believe she did. I trusted a woman, 40 years of age, to know what love was, especially considering all she¡¯s been though in her marriage with Jackson.</li>

    <li>For ever referring to me as a psycho or a stalker. First off, I¡¯d pass any psychological examination with flying colors. Second, Anya wouldn¡¯t have been able to last a week in my world the last 3 years if the roles were reversed. You don¡¯t tell someone they are ¡°angry¡± while doing things to make any reasonable person angry. I guarantee this would make any reasonable human being, who truly loved and needed someone, angry. I never threatened her with physical harm not even called her a single bad name. I had written her, but not once visited her nor tracked her down in order to talk to her to deserve any of those titles.</li>

    </ul>

    Debbie, I find it extremely hard to believe I¡¯m the only guy she¡¯s ever approached at a bar and flirted with. I don¡¯t think I¡¯m that special anymore. I wasn¡¯t looking to get laid like all the rest of them. I truly felt I was in this relationship to save her from herself. I truly trusted that what she communicated to me about her situation had become unbearable and unhealthy for her. And my decision to give her a chance may have been spurred by my mother¡¯s own illness, knowing my mom lived a fairly healthy lifestyle too yet died of a horrible disease. I didn¡¯t want Anya¡¯s stress to kill her one day too. I didn¡¯t want Andrew and Katie to feel cheated out of at least 15 years with their mom, like I do now. What I did, forcing Anya to be honest with Jackson, was not meant to hurt her kids or break up a family. It was to help her based on everything she led me to believe about her unhappiness, even telling me she hated her life. The last thing I wanted was for her to hate her life as the man who truly loves her. However, I do understand my part in this. Reconciliation would not be complete if I didn¡¯t list the things I hope she could forgive me for someday, too. I¡¯m not perfect here. They are as follows:If you stumble upon this narrative on Amazon, it''s taken without the author''s consent. Report it.

    <ul style="text-align: justify">

    <li>Putting her in the position to lose her kids. That¡¯s not what I wanted nor intended to happen. The very things she used me for, my ¡°innocent¡± qualities, were very much in play here. If I had known that was a possibility, I would have never said a word and shut up.</li>

    <li>I never called her any names, but I wrote things I regret, especially when I implied her car accident was deserved. No one deserves to be physically hurt. She didn¡¯t try to kill me.</li>

    <li>I regret sending her gifts back. I should have never done that.</li>

    <li>Scaring her into thinking I was going to tell Jackson. In a sense too, I forced my love upon her. Love doesn¡¯t will itself on anyone. I¡¯m just as guilty at times for not loving her the way I said I did. I was just trying to seek the truth and I felt she wasn¡¯t being honest. If I had any real plans to tell Jackson, I would have just done it, and not tell her I was going to.</li>

    <li>I mentioned a personal thing she shared of herself with me and I shouldn¡¯t have done that. My emotions got the best of me.</li>

    <li>I regret not letting her go. I regret being selfish. I think she would have come back to me one day if I did. Unfortunately, I needed her more than she needed me. It was impossible for me to do. I think in time I would have become a stronger person for her if I was able to let her go.</li>

    <li>I regret emailing you and Carolyn. All the emails I¡¯ve sent to you both. This email I felt was necessary to clean up the mess I made. I just wasn¡¯t all there emotionally.</li>

    <li>Everything that was between Anya and I should have stayed that way.</li>

    <li>I have a relationship with God now, but I wish this relationship with Him was established years before Anya and I were together. Things would have worked out differently and I would¡¯ve been able to put it all in His hands.</li>

    <li>Just blaming her for all the unhappiness in my life. A lot of the unhappiness had to do with my mom being sick. I was angry about that more than anything else in the end. Losing her has been an unimaginable pain and void I can¡¯t even begin to express. It¡¯s a tough thing to face alone and I didn¡¯t want to. That¡¯s all I can say.</li>

    <li>I regret writing all Anya cares about is her reputation. I thought that was unfair to say. I think we all care about our reputations.</li>

    </ul>

    You girls probably think I¡¯m ¡°immoral¡±. I don¡¯t know how you interpret the Bible but nowhere in the Bible does it say marriage is based on being an institution and there is no mention of having to stay for the sake of the kids in the wedding vows. Marriage was based on being a ¡°relationship¡±. Anya communicated to me there was no relationship with her husband¡ªthat she was only there for the kids. That¡¯s not what God considers to be a marriage. Jackson broke his vows several times and he did so for sex, not love. At least Anya did so out of love (At least what she led me to believe). I even held back on having sex so our relationship would be something she could be proud of. I don¡¯t see anything immoral about that on her part or my own, if she truly loved me. Only if she truly didn''t love me can I see the immorality in us. I think the money and the positions of people with influence in your world, is blinding you all to what is truly moral and immoral.

    So, this is it. I forgive Anya for everything she did to me. Although, I may still be angry about it and it may still be hard to forget, I choose not to feel any more hate or anger for what she did. It¡¯s time to truly move forward and to put everything in God¡¯s hands. I trust in the end, he will make this right.

    Happy holidays and take care, Debbie. Sorry for the emails, lack of class and the harsh words.

    Landyn

    After sending this email off to Debbie, it felt good to close this chapter of my life and to put my trust in God for once. If I truly wanted a relationship with Him, I simply had to forgive Anya for all she did to me. It didn¡¯t mean I would forget, but I had to forgive and let God deal with everything else.

    I guess I hoped Debbie would respond¡ªto say she was sorry to hear about my mom or to at least let me believe she received my email, even if she had to block me. When I didn¡¯t hear from her, it left me feeliing more of a fool--that she sided with Jackson and was convinced the lying monster was actually me. For all I knew, Debbie deleted my emails without reading them. Feeling the need to find out if she did read them, nearly four months later, I sent her another email. To prove I meant when I told her in my last email¡ªthat I wouldn¡¯t forget. I wanted Debbie to hear my side of things one more time.

    <u>04/18/2013, 11:52 pm</u>

    Hi Debbie,

    You guys are all probably wondering how come Landyn can¡¯t let this go? It¡¯s been over 3 years now! What¡¯s his problem? Well, I just want the chance to explain it to you.

    I felt I took precautions with Anya most guys simply wouldn¡¯t have. I wasn¡¯t going to get involved with her unless she could convince me that I wouldn¡¯t be hurt. I explained to Anya, I¡¯ve been in a relationship before her in which I was cheated on, so I don¡¯t approach women because from my experience it just seemed the ones I¡¯m mostly drawn to are more concerned about being well taken care of rather than being with a man of good character. It was murder on my heart to know the girl I really cared for before I knew Anya, left me to be with someone else and I knew it was only because he could offer her more than I could at the time. It was that simple and it affected me enough to stay away from dating for a while until I felt I had something more to offer monetarily. So, I¡¯ve known from experience, the pain associated with being cheated on¡ªthe constant wondering night in and night out. Because if you really care about someone, there is no avoiding those kinds of thoughts. The point I¡¯m making is I asked Anya questions to make sure I wouldn¡¯t be in that position again. If I had known Anya was still having sex with Jackson as if the cheating was no big deal, I would have never gotten involved. What person in their right mind would want to fall in love with someone who is giving themselves to someone else? Why would I put myself in that position again? Why would I come in the middle of another man''s marriage especially with two children involved? I wanted no part of that. I simply trusted her after she told me she was cheated on, to know what that felt like. Apparently, she didn¡¯t truly know that pain as well as I did, or became so disconnected from it, but she acted as if she was still connected to it when we met. For her to criticize my response after learning all of this, is really hypocritical of her. For one, when she found out Jackson was cheating on her with another married woman, she told that lady¡¯s husband all about it. Knowing she did that, how did she think I would feel and react? Did she think I wouldn¡¯t feel the same things she did? Did she think I would respond differently when we were so much alike? I had all the grounds in the world to do what I did regardless of if she was ¡°married¡± or not, because let me tell you this, it wasn¡¯t the fact Anya was married that made her want to tell the husband. It was the fact Anya had invested feelings and her life in that man that made her tell the husband. I don¡¯t blame her one bit for telling the husband what she did. Jackson put her in that position, and for him to just cheat again on her after doing so is sickening to me. That¡¯s why I really defended her decision in dating me. If I had known his infidelities was water under the bridge and she just wanted to move forward without holding grudges, unlike what I was told and led to believe in the beginning, then I would have run for my life. I asked her why was she still there and I was told ¡°It¡¯s because I don¡¯t think anyone would want to be with a divorcee who has baggage¡±. She even told me Lance broke up with her because she had kids! Lance broke up with me because I had kids! So she painted in my mind, he didn¡¯t want the total package. This is why I felt he left her because she had baggage and not because mother¡¯s made sacrifices. I''m certain she was using the ¡°my kids¡± argument with him as well but he was on the inside. He knew all the people and the real reasons why she was still there. These things were hidden from me on purpose because she felt that was the reason he left her, but did he really? She remained in contact with him. Anya claims she didn¡¯t mean to hurt me, but I can¡¯t believe knowing all she knew, that she didn¡¯t mean to hurt me. I trusted her big time. This is why I give her no credit for being truthful when we first met. I trusted her to let me know ¡°Hey Landyn, I¡¯m still there because it provides a secure environment for my kids¡± or ¡°I¡¯m there because Jackson is a politician and I have to be there to keep up appearances¡± or ¡°He¡¯s a good provider and a good father so everything is in the past¡± in the very beginning, not after six months, a year or even two years later. If she ¡°loved¡± me enough to hide how she truly felt about her life from me so I would pursue a relationship with her, she should have ¡°loved¡± me enough to be truthful with Jackson when she learned he cyberstalked me on Facebook and then made a promise to be together. If I hadn¡¯t asked any questions, Anya would have never told me anything about her life. If I hadn¡¯t asked questions before we pursued our relationship in an attempt to protect my heart, then I think I deserve what happened and it would be easier for me to see fault in how I¡¯ve responded. But being honest in Anya¡¯s world should be a lot more than just telling someone you¡¯re married. She also told me ¡°I don¡¯t kiss him¡± and ¡°I don¡¯t tell him I love you when he says it to me¡±. She gave me the impression she couldn¡¯t stand the man. Then I had to learn she sleeps in the same bed with him and still had sex with him. I was shocked. Absolutely floored when she told me that. Are you kidding me? You told me you don¡¯t even kiss him! Is there anything more intimate than sex, Debbie? She must really think I¡¯m stupid to believe she sleeps on the far end of the bed every night. Right, maybe after sex. Then she drinks, and only God knows what happens or what is said when she comes home intoxicated. I will never understand that Debbie. Again, I don¡¯t know how she could say she never meant to hurt me. How could she possibly think I would be okay giving my heart to her if that was going on? Especially after I walked away from her? That is a true betrayal of trust. When we reconnected after 5 months, I asked her how her marriage was. She told me ¡°the same¡± even telling me "you broke my heart". I actually told her I hoped that things would change for her there. When they didn¡¯t, I took into consideration her experience with this man, and trusted everything she told me about him, and decided to go all in. I wanted her to be happy. I wanted her to have the happiness I felt she deserved. To learn all these things afterwards really angered me. I try not to think about it because I only hurt myself when I do, but I have to be honest that it still bothers me quite a bit that she would do that to me. Why me? Why not him?

    The greatest misconception, and the one that bothers me the most is Landyn wanting to tell Jackson is Landyn wanting to break up her family and hurt her kids. That is absolutely false. First of all, he was in my social media account for 2 years. Anya told me way back in 2008 that he suspected something and that one of my friends had told him. One of my friends told him? How is that possible? I told Anya, my friends don¡¯t know him, and none of my friends knew anything other than Special Ed. Well, he went into my Facebook account through one of my friends'' profile page. Listen, I understand the curiosity, but I¡¯d never dream of getting into someone¡¯s private account. I even received a state tax audit for the years 2007 and 2008 and let me tell you this much, I know how audits are selected and I didn¡¯t make enough money to warrant an audit. Then I learned who Jackson Caiaphas was and all his political connections. I believe he probably had someone he knew perform the audit to see how much money I was making. Now it made sense, especially seeing the strings that were pulled in court, but I didn¡¯t have enough information about anyone to question anything even though it didn¡¯t feel right. I had nothing to go on. If he wanted to ¡°google¡± me, see a profile, read a periodical, I¡¯m fine with it. His curiosity is understandable although I feel it¡¯s hypocritical based on his past history, however Jackson is the true stalker, not me. So let¡¯s make that perfectly clear. Anya had promised me she would end her marriage if he contacted me. I felt he contacted me indirectly by getting into my FB account. I asked Anya one time was it too much to ask for her to end her marriage and she told me "no". If I thought having her do that would equate to "wrecking a family" and hurting her kids, I would''ve not chosen to be in a relationship with her.

    I¡¯m upset that Anya wasn¡¯t truthful with me before we made the decision to pursue a relationship. She painted a picture of a marriage to me that was void of any kind of intimacy towards him. She painted a picture to me of a man who had greatly wronged her that cheated on her multiple times. One of those times when she was pregnant with Andrew and with a married woman to boot. She gave me the impression he stole her happiness away from her. Not the general happiness and love that fades with any marriage but the happiness and love inherent within the vows. Just tell me the truth. That¡¯s all I ever asked for. I trusted her to tell me what I was getting into and what I was up against before we pursued a relationship. I trusted her that this wouldn¡¯t be about breaking up a family but rather putting an overdue end to a godforsaken marriage to a philandering husband. I trusted her completely. I told her I would be a big boy but I never expected all she chose to hide from me. If she had been truly honest with me then I could understand her being upset with the way I handled things. The problem is she misrepresented her life and misled me in such a way it felt like it was with malicious intent because it put me at a monster emotional disadvantage now knowing she had "people" in high places who are apparently corrupt enough to hurt me. Listen, if Anya married a man who cheated on her with another married woman while she was pregnant, I¡¯m sure the people he knows are just as bad, if not worse. Birds of a feather flock together.

    If being with me had hurt the kids, of course I wouldn¡¯t have ever wanted that--there''s no question. But to allow someone to feel all that Anya allowed me to feel and then cry ¡°my kids¡± after several months into our relationship was a horrible thing to do to someone you love. I get the whole ¡°loving someone is letting them go¡± mantra but not in this instance after she allowed and encouraged me to feel so much. If she truly loved me, she would''ve been willing to face anything. Instead she chose to run right back into her god forsaken union. Be honest with me before we decide to pursue a relationship, not after I fall in love with you. If she was honest from the beginning like she should have been and I still went for it, then I would at least know what to expect and could blame myself easily being the big boy I promised her I would be. I couldn''t have imagined her doing this to me. This was not my fault yet I apologized to Anya for it as if it was entirely my fault. I don¡¯t think I¡¯m perfect in this either but she put me in the position to feel and react the way I did. She even told me I was making up my own stories and conclusions. Really? All I know is that even a few months after she broke up with me she was posting pics of her and Jackson on her social media accounts as if I never existed. Give me a break. Was the goal to rip my heart out and then make me even angrier? She knew my mother was ill and she pulled that stunt? Does she realize all I went through just for her happiness for 2 years? And instead of an apology, she decides to put a pic of her and Jackson up? The guy she led me to believe chipped her heart completely away? Let me tell you something, you don¡¯t love someone the way you want to then don¡¯t allow that same person to love you back the way they want to. That¡¯s a wicked thing to do to someone. If she can claim letting me go is loving me then I can claim telling Jackson is my way of loving her because she led me to believe the man is no good for her--betting my entire life on that being true. I cannot understand how the mental well-being of her kids could be in tact if hers isn¡¯t. I would love to know, since you¡¯re a friend of their ¡°family¡± how having him in her life brings out the best in her. Take away the money and the alcohol, because you shouldn¡¯t need either to be the best you can be. Let¡¯s get to the bare bones of it. I want to know how he brings out the best in her.

    How could Landyn think the kids are being exploited? That is a crazy thing for him to say and of course, no one over there will agree with me because they all worship golden calves, and not God. You can¡¯t tell me Andrew and Katie go to the best school programs solely for the educational value. You can¡¯t tell me parties and sleepovers are thrown strictly so the kids can hang with their friends. I don¡¯t buy it in that neighborhood you all live in. Jackson is a politician and business owner, and he wants to build his brand and get to know as many people with money as possible. The schools and sleepovers are really ancillary benefits but I guarantee 75% of their friends are just mere acquaintances. They could move to Florida tomorrow and still have the same relationships with their friends as they do now. If there was not some form of exploitation going on, they would teach them the importance of having 5 good friends they can count on rather than having 1,000 friends on Facebook. I think using your children to build a network is pretty wrong. Volunteer work is something you do out of the kindness of your heart and for non-recognition. Jackson, the great father, doesn¡¯t see things that way though. Katie¡¯s letter told me everything I needed to learn about Anya and Jackson¡¯s penchant for lying and what she has learned through their marriage. I would never say or suggest such a thing if I didn¡¯t believe in my heart that what those kids are learning is wrong. I believe money hides a lot of mistakes being done over there. Believe me, I¡¯m open to any arguments on the contrary. There is no respect in that marriage, only fear. It¡¯s a shame Anya believes she did the right thing. It¡¯s going to be sad the day it all backfires. I truly pray it never does. I don¡¯t want to be right about this.

    Just as much as anyone wanted me to, I would have loved to let this all go and never have sent you a single email. More than anything I didn¡¯t want to but it was too difficult. I trusted her not to pursue a relationship with me if she¡¯s showing the whole world how wonderful her marriage is to everyone else. Did you know I trusted what Anya told me about her husband so much that I told my mom about her and our relationship? I told my mom about Anya while she was sick and dying with Cancer. Do you know how much heartache that brought upon my mom who was fighting for her life to see me struggling? To hear her son lost his job and was struggling financially and personally? Yet here I was defending Anya at every turn and my sweet mom wouldn¡¯t say a word as she tried to keep her feelings on the matter to herself. Then just before she passed, after nearly 3 years of me defending Anya¡¯s actions and taking the blame, my mom took the gamble of her lifetime. While holding the knowledge that she was losing her battle and knowing this would probably create tension between us, she told me ¡°she played you for a fool¡±. It took me a cold night in November, three years after we broke up, unexpectedly seeing Anya clinging to Jackson¡¯s arm as if he had never chiiped a single part of her heart away...seemingly off to see some ¡°romantic¡± European art show just down the street from the place we met, likely hosted by a friend, to finally get it. What I witnessed that evening is hard to let go of, and I don¡¯t plan on letting go until I¡¯m ready to.

    I hope you girls can understand why I have a tough time letting things go. Anya broke two promises to me before I broke any promise I made to her. She told me if I swept her off her feet (fell in love with me), she would be with me. She broke that promise. She told me if Jackson contacted me she would end her marriage. Jackson was in my Facebook account for 2 years reading my private info therefore he did contact me indirectly to find out things. If Anya truly wanted me to let this go, she should have written me a sincere apology letter for the life she hid from me and for the promises she broke. If she wanted me to be a noble man, she needed to show some nobility as well. Lying to a police officer and everyone around her was not an act that deserved my nobility. She got what she asked for by her behavior and actions. If you think I wanted to do any of the things I¡¯ve done, you¡¯re wrong. I wanted to leave the relationship with as much class and dignity as I entered it but she left me with really no choice. No one likes to feel they were taken advantage of. I felt used and betrayed, so I acted accordingly, just like she did when she approached the husband of the woman Jackson had an affair with. She wanted that man to know the truth and the same applied here. I was a victim in this too. No different from anyone else who was passionate enough about something in their lives. I¡¯m sure if it was Anya who lost her job and was struggling financially, and had to deal with the stress and pressure along with watching a parent get sick and fade away for the last 3 years, she would understand why it¡¯s hard to let this go. Why it¡¯s not easy. Why I¡¯m out to make this right in my life with as much regards to her life as she had for mine.

    So, I leave you with this. Some words I think everyone needs to heed and know every day. When you can truly start living with this message in mind, then you have truly reinvented yourself.

    ¡°What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul? If anyone is ashamed of me and my words in this adulterous and sinful generation, the Son of Man will be ashamed of them when he comes in his father¡¯s glory with the holy angels.¡±

    ¡°Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.¡±

    ¡°Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.¡±

    ¡°You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot.¡±

    ¡°You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your father in heaven.¡±

    ¡°And when you pray, do not be like hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by others. Truly, I tell you, they have received their reward in full. But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. And when you pray, do not keep babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.¡±

    ¡°This, then, is how you should pray: ¡°Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us today our daily bread. And forgive us for our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but to deliver us from the evil one.¡±¡±

    ¡°For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others for their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.¡±

    ¡°Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermins do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.¡±

    ¡°The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are healthy, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eyes are unhealthy, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!¡±

    ¡°No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money. Therefore, I will tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink, or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds in the air: they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet the heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?¡±

    ¡°And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow? They do no labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you ¨C you of little faith? So, do not worry, saying. ¡°What shall we eat?¡± or ¡°What shall we drink?¡± or ¡°What shall we wear?¡± For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But first seek his kingdom, and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

    I reread what I sent numerous times thinking if Debbie did read this then showed it to Anya, they were probably wondering "when did he become a holy roller"? I knew God no more than they did, but He was just all I had now. The more reasons I put out there, the more some of them had to stick in their minds. These emails were really just an effort to stay in the game of life because, as it now stood, I¡¯ve lost everything I ever believed in. The hope of love was all that inspired me to pursue life with vigor. That feeling of natural euphoria it gave us all when we were truly in deep with someone and it was reciprocated. I knew, without a doubt, Anya was my last chance¡ªI just knew no one else had the power to make me feel life was worth it the way she did. We were one for nearly two years and I just could not believe how easy it was for her to return to him, of all people. That she could go back into her life with him as if I never existed--like he hadn''t ever cheated on her. How all that I gave could be so easily discarded all because I wanted her to do the right thing¡ªto be an honest person; the person she promised to be before we pursued a relationship. I recalled criticizing her for minimizing all I felt and claiming she was not doing that but she clearly did. She basically took all the reasons I had fighting for her and ignored them all without a care. As if my life didin''t mean a thing and she was not responsible at all for the unhappiness she communicated to me about her marriage, giving me all the reasons in the world to keep fighting for her. Everything she ever said to me now just hit me in different ways. She told me, on the day we broke up, she told him she loved me. When in actuality, she likely told him I was obsessed with her and wouldn¡¯t let her go after she tried pulling away. Just another half truth, or half lie. If Jackson knew a tenth of all the things she ever said and did that led me to falling so in love with her, he¡¯d be the one sending Debbie mass emails trying to figure things out. Nope, on the day we broke up Anya told Jackson one hell of a half lie and he bought it hook, line and anchor. I guess I wanted some kind of acknowledgement my voice was heard, but it seemed my voice was now lost in cyberspace, never reaching a soul or even the soulless.

    When I didn¡¯t hear back from her the next day and believing she likely was not receiving these emails, I took another shot at clarifying my position. At the very least it made me feel better to vent even if I had to pretend Debbie was reading them but just not choosing to respond to play it safe.

    <u>04/19/2013, 11:08 pm</u>

    Hi Debbie,

    I hope you¡¯re doing well. Listen, I would rather have had Anya hurt me than Katie and Andrew. Sometimes, I let my emotions get the best of me and things come up self-righteously. The bottom line is I trusted Anya loved me. I don¡¯t understand how I could have been a bad thing in her life regardless of the circumstances. It¡¯s hard for me not to take that personally. I¡¯m an honest man. I don¡¯t want to hurt anyone but I just felt really wronged because she is still married to this man. All he does is inspire her to sin. I don¡¯t think God would have allowed me in Anya¡¯s life if we were going to be a bad thing. She told me she believed in our love and I trusted that. I sound like such a broken record I know.

    When the next day arrived, I felt the need to vent a little more...to cyberspace.

    <u>04/20/2013, 2:34 pm</u>

    I¡¯d like to know how does Jackson make Anya a good or better person? We know the kids make Anya a good person but I want to know what Jackson has done during their time together that has made Anya a good person? I will cite the following:

    He has cheated on her several times.

    Andrew was born prematurely because he cheated on her while she was pregnant with him. It caused her a great amount of distress.

    Anya has had 2 extramarital relationships that I know of. One lasting nearly 2 years in which she initiated the entire relationship.

    Besides the infidelity, from what I know, he has left the child raising completely to Anya creating a huge inequity in the marriage.

    I believe you and Carolyn enabled her to have a relationship with me because of him¡ªin spite of him.

    He only inspires dishonesty from her.

    To make this perfectly clear. When the restraining order expires, I plan on asking these questions to Jackson if she is still with him. I want to know what real value he has added to her life as a person. Let¡¯s see how brave he is outside a courtroom.

    The biggest joke about my restraining order was the fact a man was protected on it. Why was a man being protected on a domestic violence restraining order? They were typically for women who feared for their safety¡ªnot for men who stalked, taunted and provoked the restrained party. Shouldn¡¯t I be the protected party on the order instead of being the restrained one in regards to Jackson? Daddy was in zero danger of being physically harmed by me. Daddy was the actual monster who abused and chipped their mother¡¯s heart away for years. The entire restraining order, mostly the length of the order itself and how it was obtained with lies, just made me sick and angry. Jackson¡¯s friends, who his money bought, didn¡¯t know him the way I did. I wouldn¡¯t have wanted him to lose his reputation, his political or business future simply because of his kids, but he sure went after mine. It¡¯s natural for me to want to face off with him. When I never heard back from Debbie, it hit me. What if this email account was seized by Debbie¡¯s husband? Jackson¡¯s "buddy" according to Anya? With the aim of now trying to lure the rat from out of his hole, I decided to leave some cheese out.

    <u>04/20/2013, 2:45 pm</u>

    It might be a wise thing to get the order extended for Jackson when the time comes. Not that I plan on going after him physically, but I do plan on confronting him about everything. I want to know what business he had being in my Facebook account. If you don¡¯t have trust in your marriage, you don¡¯t have a marriage.

    <u>04/20/2013, 2:49 pm</u>

    The day he made matters worse was the day they received a restraining order on false pretenses. There will be a price to pay for that in this lifetime. If he wants to provoke me into going to jail, trust me, I¡¯m going to get my money¡¯s worth.

    <u>04/20/2013, 2:57 pm</u>

    So, keep forwarding these emails to Anya so she can forward them to her attorney. Make sure the order is extended on Jackson because he¡¯s the one I have questions for and I will seize that window of opportunity when it arises. If you¡¯re going to break the rules to hurt my life, especially when I was told the things I was told by Anya, you better make sure I don¡¯t find out about it.

    <u>04/20/2013, 3:01 pm</u>

    If I ever see those two in public again, believe me, I¡¯m going to take care of business with him right then and there. An order says I could get in trouble for breaking it but it doesn¡¯t mean I can¡¯t break it. Trust me, if I can muster the power not to, I will, but I can¡¯t promise anything and if I¡¯m going to go to jail for it, it¡¯s probably going to be for a while. Then, they will have to explain to people why it happened, and that¡¯s a whole new can of worms they will have to open. They don''t fear for their safety, they fear exposure.

    <u>04/20/2013, 3:04 pm</u>

    There is a score that one day will be settled. That¡¯s a promise.

    <u>04/20/2013, 3:08 pm</u>

    I sat in a courtroom and heard a man beat his girlfriend and he got a lesser term RO than I did. In addition, the judge never considered the content of my emails to Anya to determine if a threat was even made...it was a total joke. You could either play by the rules and life goes on or you can lie your way through life and deal with the consequences. Now those consequences are only a few years away.

    <u>04/20/2013, 8:52 pm</u>

    Anya told me she felt like she betrayed her kids. I¡¯d like to know if Jackson is such a great guy to have as her husband, why she approached me and initiated the entire relationship? Didn¡¯t he inspire her to betray her kids? What was my crime? Minding my own business that night? Wanting the best for her based on all she ever told me? Isn¡¯t that what love does? Why would I want her to stay in a marriage knowing Jackson isn¡¯t the best thing for her? Those are his kids, too--they are his responsibility. He¡¯s supposed to be a good father so I don¡¯t buy that. I had all the grounds in the world to fight for her to end her marriage.

    Also, there are some things I need for you to know. I¡¯m not looking to start a fight with Jackson. He¡¯s a sissy and I know that. There is no pleasure in having a physical altercation with him and I don¡¯t hit women so he¡¯s safe in that regard too. That would only make me look bad and I¡¯d be in the wrong. I just want him to know why I was in his life and why I felt so strongly about the whole thing.

    <u>04/20/2013, 8:58 pm</u>

    I feel I¡¯m one of the nicest guys around. All my life I¡¯ve turned the other cheek , trying to do that for the last 3 years and still trying to, but there are just some days I cringe. I feel she owes me a deep sincere apology. If she has no regrets about ever dating me, then she needs to be with someone who makes her a better person. I don¡¯t mean me anymore, I''m sure that''s the last thing she wants now but someone else who makes her a better person. Jackson is trash and you all know it.

    No longer the man of peace I hoped to become, driven by the madness of the earth bound, the unfairness of it all got the best of me¡ªdisgusted with the feeling of alienation and powerlessness. They needed to know the entire truth was my property while they only owned half-truths. No longer having anything to lose, it was fight or flight with the last amount of dignity I had left. I loved Anya unlike any man before her and I didn¡¯t deserve the same tragic fate the others suffered--giving her too much of myself to be falsely portrayed as the monster in all of this. Everyone needed to know who the true monster was and the reasons why I couldn¡¯t just let this go. I also couldn¡¯t accept this version of Anya, Jackson¡¯s version, was who she really was. If I forced my hand, it might break her down enough to choose honesty over the dishonest person her husband scared her into being for the ¡°love of family¡±. A guy who read the ¡°Twilight¡± series with her who loved more than anything hearing about her kids hoping to meet them one day was not remotely the kind of guy who they had to be protected from. My reputation mattered as much as theirs did and so did my life. God wanted us to live full honest lives, not full dishonest ones. I knew Debbie enough to know she would have either responded or blocked me by now. After noticing her Facebook profile picture seemed to be one that never changed over the last three years, unlike Anya''s did, that''s when it hit me that this could have been a trap. To see if my theory had any validity, issuing a crazy challenge to its true beneficiary should reveal its true owner and intent. And just in case I was wrong, I fed it once more.

    <u>04/21/2013, 8:50 pm</u>

    Hi Debbie,

    I just wanted to apologize for my emails yesterday. I need to do a better job of letting this go. I¡¯m working on it. I just really loved that woman. There¡¯s a lot I do get. I wouldn¡¯t have wanted her to lose her kids to be with me. No way. You know how I feel. Thanks for letting me vent and blow off some steam. I¡¯m going to do a better job of not contacting you anymore. You deserve that from me. Thanks again, Debbie.

    One time I argued with my father and asked him "if you cared about my future, how come you never started a college fund for me?" If he truly wanted me to not be a "failure" and be successful in life, why didn''t he set one up for me? His answer was, ¡°it¡¯s because you never asked¡±. There are just some things in life, from the people you trust to love you, you should never have to ask for. I asked for the brutal truth from Anya when we first met even if it hurt me. The woman who claimed to love me forever instead saw me as a dirty secret. Not "pure love" like she told me it was, but a terrible secret she was actually ashamed of. Love is never looked upon as a dirty secret, but always as nothing less than the light of the truth and that''s never something to be ashamed of. Nothing should have mattered if Anya ever truly planned to be with me but she was open to staying with Jackson even after the kids left home. She even told me she wasn''t ambivalent to her marriage after I had already fallen deeply in love with her. The more time she sat on the fence though, she left me with no choice but to question her integrity, intentions and love for me. And even after that knowledge was handed to me, I refused to believe she didn¡¯t love me. Until one cold November evening, watching my heart betray me as she walked cheek to cheek with the man she told me not only betrayed her but she no longer had feelings for. The man who led her to me.

    I wrote Debbie those emails because I was wrecked inside. My eyes wanting answers for what they¡¯ve seen. My heart wanting answers for all it was encouraged and allowed to feel. My mind wanting answers for all she allowed me to believe in. Although they were answers Debbie could never provide me, she had to have known for years all I learned on that November evening. I didn¡¯t blame her for not responding. When she didn¡¯t though it raised the possibility, knowing her husband was friends with Jackson, this email could be a set-up.

    After sending that last email, there was nothing else left to write or say. After four years of sadness, it was time to try to put my faith in a God I hoped to reconnect with. Instead of reaching out to Debbie any further, in an attempt to deal with all the residual anguish Anya left me to feel, I began writing a novel based on my experience titling it "The Passion Particle". After finding a few websites that allowed authors to publish their work, I chose one to start posting the story too. To protect Katie and Andrew I came up with a fictional scenario and character names for the book. Working on the novel nightly helped alleviate the mental wreckage I endured over the last five years giving me no reason to contact Anya, Jackson or any one of their friends ever again. Knowing the truth about Anya''s "love" for me, it was time to let this go.

    Nearly a year later after my last email to Debbie while sitting in a bookstore caf¨¦ to work on the novel, I received an early morning saturday phone call from an unrecognizable number.

    ¡°Hello.¡± I answered.

    ¡°Landyn Lastman.¡± stated a cracking voice.

    ¡°Speaking.¡±

    ¡°This is Jackson Caiaphas.¡±

 CHAPTER 40 ~ THE TASTE OF FATE

    ¡°Halls of justice painted green,

    money talking

    Power wolves beset your door,

    hear them stalking

    Soon you please their appetite,

    they devour

    Hammer of justice crushes you,

    overpower.

    The ultimate in vanity.¡±

    ~ ¡°¡­And Justice for All¡± Metallica

    After two years of stalking me on Facebook, Jackson at last contacted me directly¡ªconfirming the rat took the cheese. After all his attempts to provoke me into breaking the order, he was broken down instead. It was only natural for a man like myself to fight for the one who holds his heart, and if you couldn¡¯t do that in life, then what could you ever fight for? There seemed to be only one thing left for me to fight for¡­the truth. It was evident in Jackson¡¯s voice, the way he delivered his name, this wouldn¡¯t be a pleasant conversation. Mentally, he needed to be brought to his knees¡ªin the same abusive manner he hurt Anya and those around him with his self-righteous narcissistic behavior. Jackson Caiaphas was not a normal human being, unlike those I¡¯d treat with compassion, but rather a sociopath of the highest order. A true psychopath bent on turning me into the selfish abusive monster who chipped Anya¡¯s heart away for years.

    ¡°It¡¯s nice to know you know my name now¡ªlikely the only one you¡¯ve never made a dime off of knowing.¡± I told him. ¡°What took you so long?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m callin¡¯ to tell you that I¡¯m gonna bury you.¡± he countered. ¡°You do not know me or what I¡¯m capable of.¡±

    ¡°I know enough¡ªmore than I ever wanted to know.¡± I told him, shaking my head. ¡°Why do you think I chose to be in this? Cause¡¯ I didn¡¯t know anything about you?¡±

    ¡°Let me tell you somethin¡¯ right now, you sick FUCK. You have no idea who I am! NO IDEA!¡± he yelled. ¡°I¡¯m a VERY powerful man and will do everything in my POWER to DESTROY YOU! I will take your business AND your CPA license away from you! I¡¯ll own YOU! I can do WHATEVER I WANT to WHOEVER I WANT YOU FUCKING OBSESSED PSYCHO!¡±

    ¡°So far, you¡¯re living up to everything I was told you are. You may be a powerful man, Jackson but you¡¯re also predictable.¡± I told him, nodding. ¡°Extremely predictable.¡±

    ¡°What you DON¡¯T know about me is that I love my family! I¡¯m a good father to my kids!¡±

    ¡°When did I question your love for your kids?¡± I replied, trying to recall if I wrote that to Debbie. ¡°I never said you were a bad father; only a horrific husband. You proved that when you cheated on a pregnant wife then left her to basically raise the kids on her own while making her work part-time for you¡ªyour female employee.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯ve NEVER cheated on my wife! She lied to you about everything! EVERYTHING! She loves me and has only ever loved ME. Not only are you a complete psychopath, you¡¯re an absolute fool to believe otherwise!¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t believe she told me the entire truth about things¡ªI¡¯ll give you that much but only because she was afraid of losing me.¡± I told him, not believing a word he said. ¡°The one thing I do feel confident about is that she has definitely not told you the truth¡ªthat you¡¯re the one she lied to. And if I¡¯m an absolute fool then you must be incredibly insane to think that I wouldn¡¯t have reacted so strongly to all of this if I believed for a second you¡¯re truly the man she loves. Let me tell you, Jackson¡ªit¡¯s you who has no idea who I am.¡±

    ¡°Oh no¡­no, no, no¡ªI know exactly who you are. I¡¯ve known who you are for years.¡± He spoke, mocking my tone. ¡°You¡¯re the type of man who wrecks families and I¡¯m the type in the business of protecting mine from a man like you at all costs.¡±

    ¡°I think you need to rethink coming after me the way you¡¯ve come after others based on just thinking you know me.¡± I doubled down. ¡°You¡¯re heading down a painful road of truth that¡¯ll only lead to the end of your world as you know it. If you want to protect your family, the last thing you wanna do is come after me.¡±

    ¡°Oh¡­is your end near, Landyn Lastman.¡± He snarled. ¡°Your life will soon belong to me¡ªthat I am certain of. I¡¯ll even fight you MMA style.¡±

    ¡°MMA style?¡± I laughed. ¡°Like I wrote in my email, I don¡¯t hit women so you¡¯re safe. Much more than that though, I respect your kids too much to get in a physical altercation with their father. Maybe you should act your age for once and show them some respect too?¡±

    ¡°Come on, Mr. Lastman and confront me! I¡¯m begging you.¡± He egged on. "I¡¯ll meet you anytime, anyplace, anywhere.¡±

    When he challenged me to a physical fight, my ego wanted so badly to set a time and place. The truth was though, I¡¯d fall right into his trap¡ªit¡¯s what he wanted his kids to see. If I fought him, they would hate me more than they already did. It would only prove I was the monster their father told them I was. Teaching Jackson Caiaphas a lesson went beyond giving him the ass kicking of his life¡ªit wouldn¡¯t accomplish that goal at all. Jackson would win that battle before I could throw a single punch.

    ¡°You¡¯re lucky you have kids.¡± I told him. ¡°We¡¯ll talk face to face when the time comes about what you tried to pull in court three years ago. Like I said, that score will be settled one day.¡±

    ¡°What did I do in court that day?¡±

    ¡°The strings you pulled with the people you know. I saw the man you were talking to. Don¡¯t pretend he did nothing that day to help you.¡± I told him. ¡°You¡¯re a really brave man in a courtroom.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m gonna put you in a deep hole you¡¯ll NEVER get OUT OF! This is only the beginning! Remember I own you today, tomorrow and FOREVER!¡± He yelled into the phone.

    ¡°If that¡¯s the way you play the game, then bring it on! You may have scared off the others before me but that won¡¯t work for you here.¡± I responded, defiantly. ¡°I have somethin¡¯ you don¡¯t have in your favor¡ªthe truth. And the truth always wins in the end. You¡¯re gonna put yourself in a world of hurt by trying to come after me with lies. That¡¯s all you have are lies¡ªI could only lose if you came after me with the truth.¡±

    ¡°You will lose in every way imaginable, Mr. Lastman.¡± He replied angrily without denying how he would achieve the feat. ¡°Even in ways unimaginable.¡±

    ¡°This call has only confirmed every single thing Anya told me about you. I owe her one hell of an apology for what I put her through by breaking down on her.¡± I told him, preparing to go down a road I never planned to before his call. ¡°But since we¡¯re on the subject of the unimaginable, let me ask you a question I¡¯ve just been dying to know.¡±

    ¡°What?¡±

    ¡°Do you still kiss your wife passionately?¡±

    ¡°You mean like just this morning?¡± He laughed. ¡°Our lips are always near when we¡¯re alone¡­even when she was seein¡¯ you! Still after nearly twenty years of marriage!¡±

    ¡°Because I know things she will never tell you, and I wouldn¡¯t want her to tell you the places where her lips have been.¡± I shot. ¡°However, I will tell you that I¡¯m certain you¡¯ve tasted me.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re a DEAD MAN!¡± he shouted, trying hard to hold back his sobs before hanging up.

    My biggest complaint about Jackson was how he didn¡¯t bring out the best in Anya. After what I told him, it also seemed he brought out the absolute worst in me. Imagining Anya¡¯s lips on his after all she told me about him just put me over sanity¡¯s edge. I never wanted Jackson to know in any detail what we shared physically. This was never about that, but seeing her lips near his after telling me she didn''t trust him just set me the fuck off. She told me she¡¯d never love ¡°another man¡± the way she loved me, but there she was for the entire world to see without me knowing Jackson was that ¡°another man¡±. I¡¯ve never felt more disgusted and disrespected in my entire life. After building a new relationship with God, times like these left me struggling from resorting back to old habits. The last thing I wanted Jackson to know was what we shared one night in a San Diego hotel room. If he was ever still an option for her, and she had to know he was, that should¡¯ve never happened.

    Apparently Jackson wasn¡¯t finished after hanging up, but opted not to answer his return call¡ªnot wanting to sell Anya out more than I already did. It was up to Jackson to face his reality and do what he needed to do with the information provided to him¡ªhe was the one digging and stalking me on Facebook for it. Undoubtedly Anya would deny it, opting to play the "he''s mentally ill" card but any woman in her position likely would. I always believed if he ever called me, the marriage could not be going well because if it was, why would he feel compelled to call me at all? I knew what meant more to him than anything, even more than his family¡ªwhat was most important to any aspiring politician; his reputation. I wanted him to go to bed with the same thoughts I did each night¡ªhurting to imagine Anya being intimate with someone else. If Jackson was right about never cheating on her, it made more sense why Anya stayed¡ªher choice being more logical; why she struggled making a promise to leave. At any rate, this history of his abusive behavior ended with me¡ªrefusing to be a quiet victim like Lance and the others who were trapped inside their inner circle. The true reason why Anya chose me over them.

    Having the information needed to reclaim what was left of my life, my heart and mind drowned in grief over the loss of my mother. Dealing with the guilt of not being there emotionally for her took its toll, only building upon growing thoughts to discontinue existing. The hardest thing was knowing not one single time did I ever pray with or for her. I never prayed that God would help her heal or deal with a very serious illness¡ªat times even believing she wasn¡¯t sick at all. She even treated me as if I was the greatest son on earth when I fell horribly short of the son she deserved. A son that didn¡¯t keep her up at night, only adding to the stress that fed her a steadier diet of cancer. Was it a stretch to say I killed my own mother by falling short as her son? I honestly didn¡¯t find it a stretch at all. After finding God, it was too late to correct the many things that could have extended her life. I believed failing Anya would be the toughest thing to live with, but failing my mother made it impossible to live with, bringing me closer to a steel ascent like never before.

    Beginning to see the kinds of people Anya respected and admired helped me absorb the void she left. Now fully aware of the types of men who garnered her respect and who she was most drawn to, it left little doubt for two years she pretended to be someone else¡ªworthy of a few Oscars. Although I began questioning her love, she always left me believing I was wrong, especially whenever she said ¡°I love you forever¡±. The truth was any woman in her fragile emotional state would have told me they loved me¡ªeven missing me. In the end. she never missed me the way I needed her to¡ªonly missing what I gave her in a marriage that Jackson¡¯s ¡°love¡± stole. There seemed to be nothing special about me, let alone our love.

    Hoping to be a more positive person and a man of peace, reading the Bible became my new hobby¡ªwell, a simpleton version of the Bible anyway. After reading the story of Joseph, it seemed eerily like my life¡ªeven more so having the middle name of Joseph. It¡¯s almost as if God was trying to tell me all these years, ¡°you should¡¯ve read this one sooner¡ªit would¡¯ve saved you a lot of heartache¡±. Although Joseph was by far a holier man, his luck was on par with mine for similar reasons¡ªmost notably his fallout after meeting Potiphar, the wife of someone with power. After reading this story for the first time, I put the Bible down to take a small break to retrieve my mail. The only thing in my mailbox though was a letter from the Courthouse in Long Beach. Up to this point, my only affiliation with any courthouse was the one in Orange County. While opening the letter on my walk back to my apartment, there seemed no way this was meant for me¡ªthat I¡¯ll likely have to readdress this with a new envelope to its intended receipient.

    My name at the top of the letter ended all speculation who it was meant for¡ªa notice of an arraignment hearing to be held in fourteen days on June 20<sup>th</sup>; ironically also Jackson and Anya''s twentieth year wedding anniversary. A criminal complaint was filed against me in Long Beach Superior Court alleging a violation was committed of PC166(C)(1) twice, both misdemeanors. Before Googling what the penal codes were, I first Googled what an arraignment hearing was¡ªa criminal proceeding at which a defendant is officially called before a court of competent jurisdiction, informed of the offense charged in the complaint, information, indictment, or other charging document, and asked to enter a plea of guilty, not guilty, or as otherwise permitted by law. Never being arrested or accused of any crime, this notice made zero sense to me. What did make sense was that Jackson Caiaphas was behind it, making good on his promise to destroy me.

    After receiving the hearing notice, I visited my father to get my mind off it. I tried visiting him more after my mother¡¯s death, but my business and the deep depression that followed the withdrawal symptoms kept me mostly away from the house. I also never knew when my dad would be home so calling in advance had to be done before even getting in my car.

    ¡°Hello?¡±

    ¡°Hey Dad, it¡¯s me. How are you?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m okay, you?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m hangin¡¯ in there.¡± I replied, with honesty. ¡°I was thinkin¡¯ of stoppin¡¯ by. Are you gonna be home?¡±

    ¡°¡¯ll be here. You have a package that came today.¡±

    ¡°Really?¡± I replied, believing they sent the notice of my arraignment hearing to my parent¡¯s house since Long Beach was much closer than where I lived. ¡°Is there a name and return address?¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s a letter addressed to me, so I opened it.¡± He informed me.

    ¡°Oh.¡± I told him, knowing who probably sent the letter. ¡°What did it say?¡±

    ¡°A lot¡­I need to know if it¡¯s true.¡±

    ¡°Let me come by and read the letter first¡ªI¡¯ll let you know if it¡¯s true or not.¡± I told him. ¡°I¡¯ll see you in about an hour.¡±

    ¡°See you then. Bye.¡±

    The minute I entered the house, he had the letter already lying on the dining room table for me to read¡ªincluding every email I sent Debbie underneath it.

    <u>We are sending this package to you because your son Landyn is mentally ill/disturbed and needs your help.</u> We have enclosed letters written and sent by Landyn.

    These lengthy letters and text messages have been going on for years. Rather than us going into a lot of detail about the relationship he is referring to, you can read the letters for yourself. <u>We suggest that you read all the letters thoroughly so you can understand for yourselves the level of your son¡¯s erratic and obsessive behavior and mental illness.</u> Who knows what¡¯s true or not, but we can tell you that Jackson and Anya Caiaphas are both extremely well respected by so many in different communities, organizations and circles and the letters are far from being true or accurate from what we know or understand.

    As you will read in his letters, which are all over the place, he was and may still be addicted to pain pills or some other drugs. He is truly disturbed and continues to stalk all of us, as well as Anya and her family.

    Your son needs help. He is psychotic and emotionally distraught and disturbed. He continues to contact everyone he knows that knows Anya and <u>none of us want anything to do with him</u>. As we understand it, there are 2 court ordered restraining orders against Landyn and he continues to violate them. He will find himself in jail shortly. Quite honestly, none of us know what he wants or is trying to achieve and it¡¯s been going on for over 3 years. We¡¯ve all had enough!

    Because you are his father, we thought it was important that you are aware of what he is and has been doing. He has been on a downward spiral and is destroying his life, his future, his career and his mental well being.

    We certainly hope as his father and family, you will care enough about him to have an intervention and get him the medical help he needs.

    Also, Landyn has told all of us many times over the last 3 years that he would stop contacting us, but time and time again, he continues to harass and contact us.

    WE DO NOT WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOUR SON. WE ALL WANT HIM TO GO AWAY AND TO STOP STALKING US AND HARASSING US. HE IS NOT OUR FRIEND AND NONE OF US WANT TO EVER HEAR FROM HIM AGAIN. PLEASE MAKE SURE HE GETS THIS MESSAGE LOUD AND CLEAR.

    <u>Please</u> ask him to leave us alone. This has been going on for 3 years! He needs help.

    Shaking my head then smiling at my father, I asked him to have a seat after reading paragraphs of half-truths, seemingly written by Jackson, that he mailed to my father. I then shared the entire true story and my personal struggle over the last four years. Surprisingly for the first time, my father listened without passing judgment¡ªeven after showing him the arraignment hearing notice.

    ¡°Did you do anything wrong?¡± he asked, putting his glasses on to read the notice.

    ¡°I don¡¯t think so.¡± I told him, truthfully. ¡°I¡¯m assuming the hearing is about these emails I sent to her friend¡ªthe order didn¡¯t state I couldn¡¯t. But, if I sent them then told the friend to send it to my ex-girlfriend, then I¡¯d be guilty of breaking the order. You can read the emails; I¡¯m not embarrassed and have nothing to hide. I never asked her friend to do that¡ªeven stating not to.¡±

    ¡°What if she sent them to her?¡± he asked, scratching his nose.

    ¡°Then that¡¯s her decision after asking her not to.¡± I told him. ¡°I¡¯m confident I did nothing wrong and they¡¯re just trying to save face¡ªthey have a lot to hide. He wouldn¡¯t have mentioned being ¡°well respected¡± in the community if they didn¡¯t.¡±

    ¡°Basically, they¡¯re trying to paint you as crazy¡ªa loose cannon out to hurt them physically.¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s exactly what they¡¯re tryin¡¯ to do but they''re also tryin'' to discredit me so people don''t believe I''m tellin'' the truth.¡± I replied, nodding. ¡°Listen, I¡¯m not sayin¡¯ I wasn¡¯t deeply affected by how she handled things, and I¡¯m not perfect here either. There were heavy emotions involved. All I¡¯m sayin'' is the only danger they face is the loss of their reputation.¡±

    My father looked at me and nodded.

    ¡°You know¡­¡± he said while removing his glasses. ¡°Jewish husbands are the worst.¡±

    I started laughing. ¡°I never knew that.¡±

    ¡°At least from what I¡¯ve seen.¡± He finished.

    "I hear catholic husbands aren''t so great sometimes either." I joked.

    "You have a point."

    ¡°Well, this one I''m dealing with here is a shining example of that stereotype." I told him holding up the letter to him. "There¡¯s a lot of blood on his hands¡ªthis isn¡¯t his first rodeo and it¡¯s time someone stood up for themselves against him. I¡¯m the first person he''s ever faced off against who has nothin¡¯ to lose. He¡¯s tryin¡¯ to destroy my life with half truths about me.¡±

    ¡°What do you mean you have nothing to lose?¡±

    ¡°I lost my job¡ªmy partnership promotion fighting for this woman¡¯s happiness.¡±

    Stating sternly. ¡°You could lose your CPA license.¡±

    ¡°To be honest, if I lost it, all I would lose is a reason for people to continue underpaying me.¡± I responded. ¡°Business owners think accountants are a necessary evil. In their eyes, I¡¯m just a glorified bookkeeper¡ªthe professional equivalent of a gardener these days. If I lose it, I¡¯ll go back to school and do something else that makes me feel valued and fulfilled. After this garbage, seeing how money ruins people¡­I don¡¯t care anymore. Life is too damn short. I need to find my way to heaven now.¡±

    ¡°Are you still takin¡¯ drugs?¡± He asked me, a genuine look of concern on his face.

    I started laughing. "Why? Because I don''t give two shits about losing my CPA license?"

    "No. I just..."

    ¡°I quit after mom died.¡± I cut him off. ¡°I¡¯m not gonna lie¡­every day is a struggle but I¡¯m battling through it.¡±

    ¡°We can get you help if you need it.¡± He offered. ¡°Get you in some kind of rehab program.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m fine now, Dad.¡± I told him, affirmatively shaking my head. ¡°I don¡¯t wanna get in the frame of mind feeling the need to celebrate yearly anniversaries for something I should be¡ªI feel I¡¯m stronger than that. That''s great for some people but it''s not for me. The severity of the withdrawals I went through for months is a strong enough deterrent for me to stay off them¡ªit was beyond awful.¡±

    ¡°Well, just know you have help if you need it.¡±

    I nodded. ¡°Thank you. How you holdin¡¯ up?¡±

    Fighting back tears, he took a second before responding. ¡°It¡¯s hard but I¡¯m managing.¡±

    Seeing three empty Kleenex boxes in the living room told me he was having a much harder time than leading me to believe. The truth was my mother¡¯s passing was terribly difficult on both of us. Seeing Jackson¡¯s letter on his table, adding more to the grief I witnessed, left me enraged. After opening up to my father about my challenges, it showed we needed each other, an opportunity to build trust and work on mending our historically contentious relationship. Before leaving the house, I further opened myself up to his judgment by telling him about my failing business venture and financial trouble on top of my legal trouble. He then offered me to move in with him until I got back on my feet. Although I had to place all my furniture, including my office desks inside a storage unit, it was the only way to get back in front of my mounting debt and falling credit¡ªif there was still a chance of doing so. My father needed the company and the help making the decision a win win. What Jackson intended for evil on this day, God used for good.

    I wasn¡¯t upset with Jackson for writing the letter¡ªall was fair in love and war. After all I sent him Anya¡¯s gifts, but what infuriated me was that he sent it to my father, who he knew from the emails was in mourning. Jackson may have pretended to love his wife for the sake of his kids, but my father truly and dearly loved his. My father married my mother for who she was not because she gave him morning wood. When I sent the gifts back to Jackson, I sent it to a person directly involved, not to his mother or to Anya¡¯s parents or even his kids¡ªsomething I easily could¡¯ve done. As much as Anya and Jackson convinced themselves I¡¯d contact their kids, there was no way to ever justify doing so¡ªno matter how much I felt betrayed. Katie and Andrew were on the inside, but truly outside and were innocent parties to our relationship. To contact my father because I contacted a friend who knew of my relationship with Anya, was not a parallel. Jackson even sent copies of the emails and letter to the owners and even the employees of the restaurants I did bookkeeping for. How he learned that information was unknown to me but it clearly involved cyberstalking with criminal intent. In my life, if you had a beef with someone, you settled it face to face and out of court¡ªI refused to play a child¡¯s game by getting a restraining order against him. Jackson had the right to call me after calling him out in my emails to Debbie. He didn¡¯t have the right to stalk my father online to obtain his mailing address, then send him a letter announcing himself as ¡°extremely respected¡± by many and that his son was mentally disturbed and still on drugs¡ªall half-truths all because I vented to a friend who knew of our relationship. If he had the right to do that, then I had the right to send a letter to his two kids. Letting them know how ¡°extremely respected¡± I was and how their psychotic sociopathic mentally disturbed father cheated on their mother several times. What he didn¡¯t know is that Debbie enabled Anya to have a relationship with me and that¡¯s why he likely felt justified, but Debbie was not a member of his family but a friend of the family¡ªBIG difference. Still, I fought back the heavy temptation but his letter made me angry enough to reach out to his kids after sending the letter to my father, an innocent party.

    I took the letter home to use as evidence against him at the arraignment. I also went online to grab the details of my phone bill to show the court by contacting me he intentionally violated the restraining order. After reading the letter again, I couldn¡¯t stop concentrating on certain parts of it. First, how the actual stalker accused me of stalking. Second, how he claimed there were two restraining orders not one¡ªAnya probably hid the fact the first restraining order attempt was rightfully thrown out because she feared what he may learn. Third, his statement ¡°he will find himself in jail shortly¡± confirming his deep corruption--having the audacity to believe people learning the truth about his infidelities, based upon purposeful decisions he made in life, was the equivalent to lying about someone else to purposely destroy their life. Only a psychopathic egomaniac would dare try pulling that off. Sorry, but if you decide to stay in your marriage, it will be under an umbrella of truth and no longer under the cloud of deception. I refused to let anyone else outside of their polluted marriage, who cared deeply about them, to be destroyed by their lies.

    The one accusation to think about was ¡°none of us knows what he is trying to achieve¡±¡ªI had to ask myself that same question¡ªwhat was the ultimate goal here? It couldn''t be about vengeance but about redemption. From the outside looking in, seeing all the trouble this caused me, it didn¡¯t make much sense to people. But, if they knew what I¡¯ve lost. If they knew how many others suffered trusting Anya and Jackson who did nothing but resort back to their deceitful and harmful ways when people started holding them accountable for the way they felt. If they knew how much trusting in Anya¡¯s love affected my life. If they knew there were two kids who believed I was out to hurt them. If they knew about the heart pendant. Why couldn¡¯t I defend myself? Their marriage should not be allowed to disrespect my right to feel natural things as a human being¡ªfeelings I was encouraged to have and allowed to trust in. Jackson believed the more pressure he applied, the more I¡¯d cower for cover, but that tactic could never work on a man with nothing to lose. Unlike Anya, I prepared myself for the consequences of the decisions I made in life. And I never lied about things hoping to make them go away, also unlike Anya. They felt with great conviction and righteousness that trying to destroy a man¡¯s life with lies was a noble act of protecting their children. But, if they truly desired to protect their kids, they needed to eliminate me by being honest. If they did that, what power did I possess against them? All I had was the truth. Anya lived her entire life finding it normal and natural to lie to those around her to protect the people she loves. The problem, under these circumstances though, being it was the manifestation of love for oneself than it was for others. After all, what was my crime? Loving someone who I believed felt the same for me? If I couldn''t defend myself in the name of love, I could never defend myself. The truth was there were many things to accomplish by sending those emails to Debbie, even on a subconscious level besides defending myself and venting. I wanted to break Anya down into becoming an honest person¡ªthe one I fell in love with so hopefully someone else could feel her love the way I did one day. The more pressure she felt and the more anguish she saw me endure because of all she encouraged and allowed me to feel, there''s no way the woman I came to know and love could continue with the charade. There¡¯s no way she wouldn¡¯t drop the charges and realize protecting her kids with the truth was not only the right thing but also the just thing to do in the eyes of God. In the end, she would render me powerless and without any reason to carry on. She could then leave Jackson without carrying the burden of extreme unhappiness and find happiness with someone else one day. As much pain as she brought me, no one could love someone the way she could. To deny her ability to love from the world by keeping her stuck with a man she never belonged with would be a crime. Unfortunately for my heart''s sake, it now appearred my role in her life was not to be with her but so she would know love and gain the courage to choose happiness one day with someone else. If loving someone was letting go¡ªI loved her more than any other man ever could. Nobody loved her the way I loved her and I wasn¡¯t going to baby her like Jackson did¡ªI never cheated on her. If she chose someone else in the end, other than Jackson, at least the sacrifices I made for her happiness and for love, would be worth it. I refused to accept Jackson¡¯s version of her¡ªthis evil perverted persona of Anya just couldn¡¯t be real. She could never be Jackson¡¯s bitch. She had to see the wrong in him--his methods and rationale. If I were to just walk away forever, she never would. Maybe this is what she foresaw and why she asked if I would fight for her? To attack Jackson¡¯s version of her to reveal the woman I knew and loved so her soul could be saved?

    Another thing that furthered me along was his ¡°who knows what is true or not¡±. I could guarantee this much¡ªhe¡¯ll never know what was ¡°true or not¡± if I ran away from him. By stalking me on Facebook for years, he apparently wanted to know--even boasting about how he''s known me for years yet unable to get my last name right until his life depended on it. I didn¡¯t need Jackson¡¯s network to be respected and successful, unlike Lance did¡ªhis worst nightmare. The buck stopped with me and his marriage was no different than a factory that polluted the environment¡ªit was time to go green on his ass. When Anya told me he would ¡°come after me¡± believing he was fighting for "love", I had no idea he''d use people in high places through the court system to achieve that. Then again, what else could I expect from someone who would cheat on his beautiful wife while she was pregnant because he had sexual needs? Why Anya felt he should have married a stripper--his behavior nothing less than expected. After all Anya and I shared, there¡¯s just no way she loves that man. After all we shared, she was beyond resentful about what he¡¯s done to her. Frankly, I could understand why Anya didn¡¯t tell him the truth but she told me she did¡ªtelling me she told him she loved me but he said it didn¡¯t matter. How could she ever accuse me of making up my own conclusions when she does that in the name of protecting those she loves? Loving me is being honest with me about everything, even the bad. Loving her kids could be different but loving me had to be based on the truth and nothing but. And if Jackson really believed I was ¡°mentally disturbed¡± and ¡°psychotic¡±, why would he tell me Anya ¡°lied to me about everything¡±? Wouldn¡¯t telling a psychotic and mentally disturbed person such a thing put her in great danger? Women were killed every day in these situations by crazy men. If Jackson truly loved his wife, why would he jeopardize her safety from a mentally ill person? The truth was, he could care less about her happiness after learning she was in a two year relationship he asked her to end but never did. That¡¯s the real Anya¡ªthat¡¯s the one I loved and still fought for¡ªeven if she ended up with someone else. Sure, it would be devastating to me, but at least loving her was good for something¡ªthat she did grow and become a better person by leaving him.

    Anya once told me when I called her beautiful it hung in ¡°midair¡± for her. Jackson could call her ¡°beautiful¡± every day and it meant nothing to her. Now I understood what that meant and it meant a lot to me. The real Anya deserved the word ¡°beautiful¡± to hang high twenty-four seven for her. If I gave up the fight and let this all go, a piece of me believes she¡¯d lose that forever. By fighting, it gave her the chance to prove me wrong about everything¡ªresuscitating her beauty. To prove the entire last four years without her was my greatest miscalculation¡ªshe deserved that chance. I just couldn¡¯t give up believing she was an honest and good person¡ªthat I couldn¡¯t be that foolish. Even my mother wanted to be wrong about that.

    After receiving the notice of arraignment, I did what any person in my frame of mind would do¡ªemail Debbie again hoping it got back to Jackson.

    <u>5/21/2013 9:09 p.m</u>.

    Excerpt from ¡°The Great Gatsby¡±. I think you know who this applies to. Thought I would share.

    ¡°They were a careless people. Tom and Daisy. They smashed up things and creatures and then retreated into their money and their vast carelessness, or whatever it was that kept them together, and let other people clean up the mess they have made.¡±

    No court. No law. Will ever deny me my first amendment right to protect myself from people who think they are better than others. People who are both arrogant and narcissistic.

    <u>5/21/2013 9:16 p.m.</u>

    In a life full of mistakes, they have now made the greatest one they will ever make.

    Thank you for keeping this line open for me to vent¡ªI appreciate it. I figured since you said hi to me at the restaurant while having lunch, you didn¡¯t possess the same two faced qualities Anya unfortunately does. I appreciate that. Take care.

    <u>5/21/2013 9:29 p.m.</u>

    Just so you know, I had to do some chest beating with Jackson because he was inside my private personal accounts. This was all done in self defense. I don¡¯t know what he is capable of. After all, I was physically intimate with his wife for 2 years. That must eat him up if he can¡¯t stay out of my personal internet info even to this day. I saw him in my Linked In account and history has shown it¡¯s reasonable to believe he¡¯s still in my FB account too. So now I¡¯ve got something to say about it. No one will take away my right to defend myself. It¡¯s that simple.

    <u>5/22/2013 1:50 a.m.</u>

    You know it¡¯s funny. He pays for something every day that I got for free. Their marriage is basically a form of legal prostitution. I have an idea, have him not give Anya another penny and let¡¯s see how long she stays with him. Better yet, motivate Anya to gain twenty to thirty pounds and let''s see how much he loves his wife. I won this battle a long time ago.

    <u>5/22/2013 6:23 a.m.</u>

    Let me tell you something about good parents¡ªthey give their kids the things money can¡¯t buy in this life, and not just the things it can. You don¡¯t need to have children to know that much is true. I know more about kids than they do in 18 years of raising them.

    And if wanting the best for someone is a form of harassment then sue me. I have solid reasons for her leaving him, it''s not only about a broken heart. This isn¡¯t about my happiness. This was always about her happiness.  If you come across this story on Amazon, it''s taken without permission from the author. Report it.

    <u>5/22/2013 6:30 a.m</u>.

    I have worked hard and made great strides in my life since my mother¡¯s passing. I¡¯m nearly back to the old Landyn¡ªthe one with a purpose and who is in control. I¡¯m not the Landyn of 2 years ago with a lot of raw emotions.

    <u>5/22/2013 6:47 a.m.</u>

    Do you think Jackson would be there for Anya if she lost a breast? If she got Cancer? He cheated on her when she was carrying his child! He¡¯s an arrogant narcissist who cares only about himself. He¡¯s the real psycho.

    <u>5/22/2013 8:22 p.m.</u>

    So, let me get this straight. I have no order from the court stating I can¡¯t contact Anya¡¯s friends. This only proves if she wanted her friends protected on the order, she doesn¡¯t fear for her safety which is what a restraining order is for¡ªnot for the fear of losing a reputation. Second, I sent these emails directly to you and never requested you to tell Anya¡ªin fact requested you not to. Third, I have absolutely zero proof these were even received thinking they just ended up lost in cyberspace. If you had responded to me and told me not to email you again and I still did, or you blocked me, I¡¯d understand the charges much better. The facts of a violation don¡¯t add up because I actually have to do something intentionally in contempt of the order for there to be a violation¡ªnot just fire off empty words to no one. I hate to break it to you guys but it¡¯s not against the law to date a married person, and the married person is not the one with the power in these situations. I¡¯m not married nor was I. If she respects her marriage at all, she simply shouldn¡¯t have started a relationship with me¡ªperiod. I trusted her not to after I told her I walked away because I didn¡¯t want to fill a void in her marriage. Instead she told me I broke her heart¡ªshe¡¯s unreal. If she had chosen honesty over lying to me, I would have walked away. She seems to think she can do whatever she wants to in life. Now after they filed this complaint, her circle is going to know what she¡¯s about and as much as I don¡¯t want that, I really don¡¯t because this puts her at the mercy of Jackson and his people, I have to protect myself from her lies. Win, lose or draw. I hope she knows I¡¯m now fighting for her soul.

    <u>5/22/2013 8:31 p.m.</u>

    This woman visited me even on the same days her husband was suspecting she was cheating on him. How could she be this great of a coward? What does anyone over there really stand for? She should have been begging forgiveness from Jesus Christ, not from Jackson. Not from a man who has cheated on her several times that drove her to cheat herself and leading her to feel she betrayed her kids. Is this what she wants for her children in the future? Being cheated on is a vicious cycle. Anya¡¯s dad cheated on her mom and then Anya got cheated on too. So, she wants that cycle to continue for Katie and Andrew as well? Makes no sense to me when she can end it by being honest. Would you want this cycle to continue for your son, Debbie?

    <u>5/22/2013 8:37 p.m.</u>

    Sorry, I just don¡¯t get the logic. I can¡¯t make anyone do something they don¡¯t want to do¡ªall I can do is add my two cents. I don¡¯t know what you were told, but I¡¯ll tell you this much¡ªyou can hook Anya and I both up to a lie detector and we¡¯ll find out real fast who is telling the truth and who isn¡¯t. I¡¯m more than willing to.

    So, I pose this question. Anya told me one time about my friend, Mitch, or as you know him as, ¡°Special Ed¡± (Now I understand why he wasn¡¯t so fond of you guys). In regards to SE, Anya told me I should surround myself with people who add value to my life, and I agreed with her. Now the question is this¡­how does this not apply to Jackson as well? We all know he adds monetary value to her life, but what real value does he add to Anya¡¯s life? All he has inspired her to do is destroy her own life by leaving her feeling unfulfilled even with two wonderful kids.

    From the lies she told me to all the pain those lies caused me, she is now trying to take things away from me I¡¯ve worked my entire life for because of the decisions she made to marry some creep who cheated on her and their family while she was pregnant with Andrew. After she met a man who understood her pain and who only wanted to see her in a better place in both her heart and mind based on everything she ever told him. Think about it¡ªshe told me she couldn¡¯t quit me. That alone should prove Jackson adds as much value to her life as Mitch added to mine. There¡¯s a reason why she couldn¡¯t¡ªa real reason why. Why isn''t anyone paying attention to this over there? Why aren''t you girls supporting her right to have the life she deserves?

    <u>5/22/2013 8:40 p.m.</u>

    It¡¯s a shame that she decided to play this card. I was really starting to make real progress in letting this go¡ªyou ladies must miss my emails. I have to say I¡¯m sure they are quite entertaining. I¡¯m mad about the way she handled things but I¡¯m not angry enough to hurt anyone that would put them in any fear for their safety. I really don¡¯t care what she does anymore, but there are times when I do get upset with her for what''s she''s done and would like her to experience the daily struggle I go through so she understands the wrong she''s done. As long as her last name is Caiaphas, I don¡¯t care if she becomes the second coming of Gandhi or Mother Theresa, she will never be the person I know she can be. She is not a good person as long as she remains with Jackson. That¡¯s not an opinion but a fact. I hope one day she can meet someone who brings out the beautiful person I got to know and love. I know for a fact I brought the best out of her¡ªshe even told me so (unless of course she lied about that too). Who knows what is true or not is right¡ªI have no idea what to believe from all the things she told me anymore. All in all, I think this is a good thing for me. I know I¡¯m not the same person I was when the restraining order was first issued nearly 3 years ago. I¡¯m on solid ground and not standing in quicksand anymore. Okay, I¡¯m done and getting off my soapbox. There¡¯s only so much I can write before I even get sick of it. Hope to see you on the 20<sup>th</sup> when we can ring in the 20<sup>th</sup> wedding anniversary of Jackson and Anya¡¯s blessed union filled with infidelities and the bearing of false witness. I loved that the arraignment hearing date was on June 20<sup>th</sup>¡ªhow fitting.

    And of course, I thought I could end it there, but after they filed the complaint against me, I didn¡¯t care now having phone records Jackson violated the restraining order twice.

    <u>5/23/2013 9:51 p.m.</u>

    A couple of more things and I will disappear. First, I hope you know I would hurt myself before I would hurt anyone else¡ªI¡¯d take my own life before hurting anyone else. In fact, if the courts decide to be unfair yet again, and I do lose my CPA license, I¡¯m going to end things¡ªthere would be nothing left for me to live for. That should make people happy over there and quite frankly, I don¡¯t fit in here anymore anyway¡ªif I ever did. I¡¯m as unhappy with the world as much as it¡¯s unhappy with me¡ªI don¡¯t mind exiting. There¡¯s nothing here for me after losing my mom. I remember one time Anya asked me how I could be so sure my father never cheated on my mother? For the record, if my own mother was faced with the decision to stay with someone who had cheated on her for the sake of the kids after having an extra-marital relationship with another man for two years, she would''ve done the right thing and left my father, refusing to live a false life. Her self-respect could never be bought.  After Jackson¡¯s letter to my father, I¡¯m sure he would love nothing more than to come to court on the 20<sup>th</sup> to answer that question for her personally. I think Anya and Jackson both need to know what a real marriage is all about and how realistic it is. After all we shared, her marriage is nothing but a sham that needs to descredit others through the court system to keep it alive.

    The only reason I emailed you was to defend myself, vent and give you my side of the story. If I thought emailing you would be a violation of the stay away order, I would have just contacted Anya directly¡ªwhy go through a middle woman? Not once in any email did I ever ask you to pass info on to Anya for me and I would never ask that of you. Sure, I vented big time but I know what¡¯s at stake for me personally, but again this restraining order exists on false pretenses, and even though I have to still respect that because the state court failed to protect my constitutional rights, I¡¯m going to state my case if I have a safe forum to do so. All I ever did by emailing you was present my side of things and defend myself. That¡¯s all, and you can block me at any time¡ªno hard feelings, Debbie. I would have blocked me too.

    It¡¯s crazy but I¡¯m at peace with most things and a lot less upset with Anya. I wasn¡¯t even upset with her when she filed the restraining order¡ªI understood she had to do that. It was the lying that came with it. The false break-in report. The false stalking charge. The false phone calls to her house and hangups. The false kidnapping claim. The lies to the cops. The lies to her husband that I was some obsessed psycho with zero grounds for feeling how I did. The absolute perjury committed in the courtroom. And to be honest, I know why she did it but enough was enough. I was good with her complaints about me but obtain the protective order on the truth, not on lies¡ªthat was her mistake. I know I put her through a lot but I trusted her enough to know that when you tell someone ¡°I love you forever¡± and ¡°I want to wear your ring¡± that claims of harassment and stalking are simply never options unless I was threatening to kill her. That was just way too much for me to understand. My belief in love was really all I had left. Without that, this life means nothing. So, it¡¯s time to go. If I take my life, it¡¯s not Anya¡¯s fault at all¡ªshe was just the icing on the cake. It¡¯s just an overaccumulation of everything. Things are just meant to work out for other people. It¡¯s obvious I never really belonged here especially if we didn¡¯t belong to each other after all she encouraged and allowed me to feel for her regardless of her circumstances. She never should¡¯ve done what she did to me let alone be able to look Jackson in his face with so much to hide.

    At this point, even my newfound belief in God could not save me from my fate¡ªto lose faith in everything else left on earth then sinning by taking my life. Without love, without that hope or promise, there was no purpose of being for me¡ªclearly missing the window where love ruled by twenty to three hundred years. If Anya could live a single day without me after all we shared and all she ever told me, trusting the words ¡°I love you¡± from anyone else again was an impossibility. As much as I wanted to believe Jackson was behind it all¡ªwould someone who loved me ever allow him to come after me? Then again, it¡¯s possible she never knew he sent that letter to my father or called me on the phone. Maybe she refused to attack me the way he wanted her to and he did these things on his own? It wouldn¡¯t mean she didn¡¯t love her kids or family but maybe she still loved me? Maybe she knew he was hell bent on putting me in jail and taking my CPA license away to ruin a future together she still believed in? What if I¡¯m wrong about her? I¡¯d never know if I were to back down now¡ªor maybe I¡¯m just crazy for that to even cross my mind. Strange how Jackson was so proud of the letter, he wouldn¡¯t put his name or a return address on the package¡ªhis righteousness somehow gone missing.

    Jackson hoped to upset me enough to break the order; upset me enough to fight him ¡°MMA style¡±. Hoping to forever cement in the minds of Katie and Andrew, who already saw me as the bad guy, that I was the monster in all of this. There was simply no turning the tide in their minds if I kicked the living shit out of their father. Even without the kids, Jackson had to attack me first before I¡¯d even throw a single punch. Sometimes my thoughts get the best of me, but when reality arrives, a push for diplomacy overtakes the internal furnace for war. If Jackson provoked a real psychopath, his call would''ve not only endangered himself but his entire family. At his age, how could he lack such emotional intelligence? Or was he just extremely confident in his ability to destroy my life? To destroy my future because I gave his wife the love she always deserved from him? His actions only proved he didn¡¯t care about Anya¡ªtoo focused on his ego to consider how provoking a wild beast could put his family in danger. His provocations only furthered the need to defend myself. Didn¡¯t he understand he had a lot more to lose than I did? While focused on destroying my life he was setting himself up for a fall from his political pulpit. The more I began to think less emotionally, the more I saw another reason why he wanted to destroy me. By taking my CPA license and freedom away, he believed it would also take Anya away from me forever¡ªlosing the ability and the means to support her. Providing me baggage of my own like Anya claimed to have the night we met. Jackson knew  being convicted of a crime and having a jail record would blemish me in the eyes of not only Katie and Andrew, but Anya''s parents, brothers, family and friends. A mark that he likely believed paled in comparison to his and would give rise for them to question any affinity Anya had for me--including any support for me. Maybe Anya having the knowledge of the things he did would be enough for her to realize she threw a love away she never should have?

    I also had to start easing up on Anya¡ªI didn¡¯t come into her life to rip hers apart. Seeing her with Jackson, after all I gave and lost for two years, was just too much to bear. What else could I have expected from her though? She was my twin in that way¡ªliving by the golden rule; an eye for an eye; tooth for a tooth. Anya was angry with me as much as I was angry with her¡ªonly becoming disconnected due to the nature of our relationship. If it wasn¡¯t fair for her to judge me based on things other men wouldn¡¯t have to deal with, it wasn¡¯t fair to judge her when she felt her back was against the wall. If she stayed with Jackson, there was no saving her soul because of what he inspired her to do¡ªbearing false witness. Anya could say she was protecting her kids but she could not encourage and allow me to fall deeply in love with her then cover for the man that led her to me. It was game over at that point for Jackson. She didn¡¯t have to sell Jackson out to be with me. All she had to do was tell her children that "Landyn honors and respects me as a person and loves me for who I am and not for what I can give him"; that "Landyn doesn¡¯t treat me like a tool but as a true equal partner and best friend". Katie and Andrew have both witnessed her leave the house, even threaten divorce¡ªin a sense she already left their father open for judgment. How can she suddenly protect him knowing the man I truly am? I even began feeling for Anya to stay with Jackson, in a sense she was being loyal to me, bringing meaning to something she told me¡ªif she couldn¡¯t have me, she didn¡¯t want anyone else. And there was also this undeniable truth¡ªshe was with me when she was with Jackson. Without her leaving to be with someone else after all we shared, she had to have known there was no other love for her she wanted from anyone else.

    Jackson wanted his kids to fear me so Anya could never have my love. It never crossed my mind to reach out to her kids, but after sending the letter to my father knowing he was mourning my mother¡¯s death, it became seriously considered. Feeding the fantasy dialogue to let them know "I¡¯m not the monster your father is making me out to be but rather the man who loves and wants the best for your mother even if she is with someone else". What if her son was so enraged he felt the need to eliminate the threat and ruin his life forever over a lie his parents told him? Especially if he believed I was a psycho and mentally disturbed? With no proof Jackson sent the letter though, communicating to Katie and Andrew was completely off the table even when the restraining order expired¡ªthey were untouchable in my eyes. If Jackson admitted to sending the letter, then he crossed the line that made potentially contacting them fair game.

    When the morning sun rose on June twentieth, the day of my arraignment weighed heavily on my mind not knowing what to expect. For some reason there was a feeling of dread¡ªthat the truth wouldn¡¯t matter again. All I could do was trust in God¡¯s plan for me, being more aware of how the universe works¡ªrecognizing the free will He graciously gave me and to us all. Lucifer ran the earth these days and I could feel him lurking below waiting to devour what he lost¡ªthose days of me blaming God for things he was solely responsible for.

    Upon arriving at the courthouse, newly built in the City of Long Beach and named after a former Governor of California, George Deukmejian, a great uneasiness fell upon me. Before I could take another step past the scanning area, after retrieving my car key and cell phone from the small bin, a woman with boyish looks and messy short brown hair approached me.

    ¡°What are you here for?¡± she asked, sternly. ¡°You look lost.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m just tryin¡¯ to find out where I need to go.¡± I told her, looking upwards.

    ¡°Can I see your documents?¡± she asked, her hands extending out to me.

    ¡°Sure.¡± I replied, quickly handing them to her.

    ¡°Ah, you¡¯re on the fourth floor, courtroom number four eleven.¡± She stated, pointing upwards. ¡°You can take the escalators all the way up.¡±

    ¡°Great! Thank you.¡±

    ¡°Do you have representation with you today?¡± She then asked.

    ¡°Representation?¡±

    ¡°Legal representation.¡± She clarified, looking around. "A lawyer."

    ¡°No, I didn¡¯t think I needed one today.¡± I told her. ¡°Plus I¡¯m experiencing some financial hardship right now and really can¡¯t afford one.¡±

    ¡°So you need a public defender?¡± She mentioned abruptly, looking at my documents further.

    ¡°Yes but¡­¡±

    ¡°What¡¯s the problem?¡± she cut me off, looking back up at me with an annoyed look.

    ¡°I¡¯m tryin¡¯ to figure out what I¡¯m being charged with before determining if I need one.¡±

    ¡°You have a restraining order against you.¡± She blurted, her green eyes returning to the notice of arraignment I gave her.

    ¡°I do.¡±

    ¡°I think you need one. Let¡¯s sit down on the bench over here.¡± She motioned with a head tilt toward the area where the bench was located, moving her vegan frame hurriedly before looking back at me. ¡°And you broke it.¡±

    ¡°I hope you mean that in the form of a question.¡± I told her, before sitting next to her after feeling wrongfully accused off the bat.

    She skeptically gauged me, her thin eyebrows forming inward, without nodding.

    ¡°No, I did not break the order.¡± I elaborated.

    ¡°Well, it clearly says right here you violated it, not once but twice.¡± Furthering her conviction of me, placing a pointed finger on the notice.

    ¡°That¡¯s not true at all.¡± I reiterated. ¡°I¡¯m clearly being accused of that, but that doesn¡¯t mean I broke it.¡±

    ¡°So, what does it mean, Mr. Lastman?¡± Her eyes now peering deeper into mine.

    ¡°It means I¡¯m not guilty.¡±

    ¡°So...you¡¯re pleading not guilty?¡±

    ¡°Yes.¡±

    ¡°Well, that¡¯s what you¡¯re here for today.¡± She told me, a slight smile forming on her face. ¡°But I have to warn you¡ªeveryone here believes they¡¯re not guilty.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m sure you see a lot of guilty people who claim they¡¯re not guilty.¡± I told her, smiling back with an appreciation for her approach to explaining what an arraignment hearing was through her skepticism¡ªshe had to be with all the people she dealt with every day. ¡°I¡¯m not one of them.¡±

    ¡°We¡¯ll see.¡± she replied before handing me a pen and a piece of paper from her binder. ¡°Fill out this paper work. It will cost fifty dollars for my services but you can mail a check to me when you have the money. My address is listed right here¡ªmy name is Nancy. Nancy Stonebeck.¡±

    ¡°Thank you, Nancy. Nice to meet you.¡± I said before shaking her hand.

    I quickly filled out and signed the document before handing it back to her. We then made the trek to courtroom number four eleven and waited in line before finally entering to take a seat. Nancy had a seat assigned to her with the other public defenders near the judge while I took a seat in the back with roughly eighty other people. There was no sign of Anya and Jackson¡ªlikely not being required to be at the hearing since the State of California was accusing me of violating the order. My arraignment not disrupting their wedding anniversary plans after all.

    After the judge appeared, a tall heavy set caucasian female with light brown hair curled at its ends, she swore us all in and then began settling the easiest cases¡ªthose that could be quickly resolved or moved to a later date. While waiting to be called up to enter my plea, I considered going to catch a movie and visiting my father afterwards¡ªseeing if he wanted to grab dinner. Still a month away before moving in with him, he was by himself being tortured by his own thoughts. He asked to come to the courthouse in support of me, but I told him to stay home and relax. He didn¡¯t need to witness the place where my belief in love took me and how it ended. While sitting there listening to the cases being heard, it dawned on me how falling deeply in love today could lead to such travesty¡ªeven making me grateful my situation didn¡¯t involve to financial ruin through child support or alimony. It was sad to see all the love stories, poems and music ever written or told were mostly fables. How all these years holding the belief a happily ever was non-fiction made me a psychopath in the eyes of the world. Except for a lucky few, this is where love led people today¡ªa courthouse; nothing more than low income housing for love¡¯s impoverished. That the state legal system profited upon those who believed in love¡ªno longer a bastion of freedom but a monolith of government weaponization and overreach. Those in the courtroom on this day were mostly of color and minorities¡ªthey never stood a chance in here. The truth was, race or ethnicity didn¡¯t matter; without money to buy into the system we all never stood a chance. The disturbing truth about our legal system beyond clear here¡ªLady Justice had her blindfold replaced by a hundred dollar bill; the truth no longer being sought, but bought.

    When my case was finally called, the anticipation of going home sooner than expected to meet my father heightened. After standing, my public defender motioned for me to sit back down before she started to approach the bench. I didn¡¯t know what she discussed with the judge, but it didn''t seem out of the ordinary. After conversing for roughly five minutes, Nancy motioned for me to walk outside with her. Upon our exit from the courtroom, we sat down on a bench about twenty yards away.

    ¡°They say you mailed a document to the home of the protected parties.¡± She told me.

    ¡°What document?¡± I asked, shocked. ¡°I haven¡¯t sent anything to their home since the order was granted.¡±

    ¡°An appeal of the restraining order.¡± she replied before handing it to me.

    ¡°Oh¡­I apologize. Yes..." I told her, focused on the document detailing my reasons for the appeal. "I mean no¡ªI didn¡¯t mail that to their home.¡±

    "How did it get to them?"

    ¡°My mother mailed it." I informed her, my hand starting to tremble with anxiety. "I can get a copy of the proof of service from home--she signed it.¡±

    "Will your mother be willing to testify to mailing it?" She asked.

    "She passed away." I told her, now seeing Jackson''s strategy to destroy me coming into focus.

    ¡°Were you able to file an appeal?¡± she asked, her lips pursing while examining the appeal document again. ¡°Did the court of appeals accept it and hear on it?¡±

    ¡°I filed it but they ended up denying it.¡±

    ¡°How come?¡±

    ¡°It was filed twenty three days past the deadline.¡± I replied, remembering the frustration I felt learning that, or maybe it was just the discontent building inside me. ¡°I can get you their correspondence to me.¡±

    Shaking her head. ¡°That¡¯s a problem.¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t understand. What¡¯s the problem?¡±

    ¡°Because it was mailed directly to them and you should¡¯ve known it was past the deadline to be filed.¡± She clarified. ¡°Now that¡¯s evidence of harassment that is hard to disprove without a witness.¡±

    ¡°Even if it¡¯s not intentional?¡± I countered. ¡°I didn¡¯t know there was a deadline for filing the appeal when I filed it. Why did the clerk at the courthouse make sure I didn''t file past the deadline before accepting my appeal documentation and payment? This was a costly error for me.¡±

    ¡°You had a police officer come to their home and hand deliver it too?¡±

    ¡°Initially, yes. I was worried they would falsely accuse me of mailing the document so I arranged for a police officer to deliver it. The police had ten days to hand deliver it to their home from the date of my filing with the court.¡± I told her. ¡°On day nine, I visited the police department and learned they had not yet delivered it. Fearing the cops were connected to the protected parties and were looking to not deliver it to them on purpose, they have these kinds of connections, I asked for a refund and instructed them to cease their delivery of the notice of appeal."

    "Connections?" She deadpanned.

    "The protected parties have friends in high places that do favors for them--they did so during my restraining order hearing." I explained but realized the look on her face screamed skepticism. "Unfortunately without knowing who is helping them, I can''t prove it."

    "How can you prove you instructed the police department to not deliver the notice of appeal?" she asked, more disbelief showing through her tone.

    "I have the refund receipt and can get that for you." I answered, trying to keep my cool. "That¡¯s when I asked my mother to mail the notice of appeal documents and sign a proof of service.¡±

    ¡°Well, they got it twice.¡± She reiterated. ¡°An appeal that was denied."

    ¡°If I knew the appeal would be denied, I wouldn¡¯t have sent either. This was not intentionally done and was an honest mistake." I countered. "I believed the appeal was approved after physically filing it with the court and they accepted my payment. They received the notice of appeal both times before it was denied. I can easily prove that. Not to mention, it angers me that I even had to ask my mother, who was in great pain and dying of cancer at the time, to physically mail it for me--the last thing she needed was this bullshit."

    Shaking her head while peering down at the notice of appeal on her lap, she added her two cents. ¡°That will be costly to prove and that¡¯s only the first count. Did you email her friend?¡±

    ¡°I did¡ªin self-defense¡ªonly to tell my side of the story and to vent to her.¡±

    ¡°How many times did you email her?¡± she asked, suddenly producing all the emails from her binder then flipping through each and every page ¡ªher eyes looking down and up at me in tandem with each flip.

    ¡°Off and on for a year.¡± I admitted. ¡°I felt it was important for her to know my side of the story¡ªI was having a rough time. Since I never heard back from her and she never blocked me, it seemed she hadn¡¯t received any of them. After a while, it became therapeutic more than anything.¡±

    ¡°Did you threaten to confront Anya¡¯s husband?¡± she further prodded.

    ¡°I did because I believe he pushed her to viciously lie about me in court the day of my restraining order hearing while also provoking me to fight him so I took issue with him being on the order. Restraining orders were put in place to protect the physical safety of women, not protect men who provoke fights with the restrained.¡± I furthered my defense, feeling more irritable with every passing second. ¡°But I also told Debbie not to tell Anya about my emails so it wouldn¡¯t get me in trouble¡ªI explicitly stated this in the emails.¡±

    ¡°Is she a friend of theirs or a friend of yours?¡±

    ¡°Well, both¡­I thought.¡± I told her before nodding. ¡°But she is mainly their friend.¡±

    ¡°Well, here¡¯s the problem." She looked down, pausing for a few seconds before meeting my gaze. "They want to put you into custody today.¡±

    ¡°Into custody?¡± I yelled, my voice echoing throughout the courthouse. ¡°For what? For writing emails to a friend who was not protected on the restraining order? Are you kidding me? The judge during the restraining order hearing never disallowed me from emailing the friend!¡±

    ¡°Please keep your voice down, Mr. Lastman!¡± She quckly scolded, looking around us.

    Catching my breath then countering at a lower decibel level. ¡°Why would I go through a ¡°middle man¡± if it¡¯s treated the same as directly contacting the protected parties? I thought I could contact the friend without breaking the order. I mean¡­the friend never acknowledged any of my emails, not even blocking me so I couldn''t send anymore to her, so how did I know she got the emails at all? Let alone read any of them?¡±

    ¡°You have two restraining orders against you.¡± she piled on, dismissing my response. ¡°This is the second one.¡±

    ¡°The second one?¡± I responded incredulously. ¡°I¡¯ve only been served on one. When did the second one happen?¡±

    ¡°The first was obtained in two thousand nine and the second in two thousand eleven.¡± She elucidated, now producing both of the orders from her binder. ¡°They¡¯re also claiming you¡¯ve driven by the house on multiple occasions...even calling the house before hanging up. Did you talk to the protected parties and¡­¡±

    ¡°Let me just make this clear.¡± I cut her off, disgusted to see how Jackson''s twisted game was working on even those who were suppossed to defend me. ¡°There''s only one restraining order not two, otherwise the second restraining order would''ve been a violation of the first. Secondly, I¡¯ve never driven by their home. I¡¯ve also never, not once, called their home and hung up. They can claim that all they want but they have zero evidence that ever happened because it never did. They can''t even produce a specific date or time this occurred. And lastly, the only time I¡¯ve ever talked to the protected parties during the last few years was when Jackson called me.¡±

    ¡°Who¡¯s Jackson now?¡± She inquired, her frantic eyes studying a document on her lap.

    ¡°Anya''s husband.¡± I told her. ¡°Didn''t he violate the restraining order by calling me?¡±

    ¡°Can you prove he called you?¡±

    I sighed, my shoulders slumping before explaining my predicament. ¡°I thought I could but the phone number he called me from was from a phone number belonging to someone else¡ªit appears he used a spoofing app to call me.¡±

    ¡°What¡¯s a spoofing app?¡±

    ¡°It''s an app he used that allows the actual number he called me from to show on my phone bill as a different number to hide the one he actually used. I found this out after calling it and learning it was a number to a business in the area." I told her. ¡°I know and have the exact times and date he called me on the phone bill, but that''s all I have as proof. He''ll never admit to calling me knowing it''s a violation."

    ¡°A spoofing app. Sure.¡± She replied, sounding as if she didn¡¯t believe me. ¡°Did you at least hang up when he called you? Or did you carry on a conversation with him?¡±

    ¡°I carried on a brief conversation with him because he was threatening to destroy my life and then I hung up. He called me a second time but I didn¡¯t answer.¡± I told her. ¡°Although he didn¡¯t put his name on it, I can provide as evidence a letter he wrote to my father and mailed to his home. He also sent it to a couple of my clients and to the people who work at the restaurant I do accounting for. He sent all those emails I wrote to the friend along with it.¡±

    ¡°Can you prove he actually wrote the letters and mailed them?¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t but a part of me believes his self-righteousness and arrogance might inspire him to cop to it.¡± I told her. ¡°I¡¯m sure it appears looking at all the emails I sent that I¡¯m the mentally disturbed one but it¡¯s all an attempt to hide from the court that he''s the real psychopath."

    She started shaking her head before telling me. "These emails seem to tell a different story, Mr. Lastman."

    "Yeah, well...it''s the truth."

    She nodded as if she didn''t hear a word I said before giving me my options. ¡°Mr. Lastman, you can plead not guilty but I¡¯m advising you that they¡¯re going to arrest you and set a bond amount today.¡± she stated far too confidently. ¡°Based on a lack of evidence, I would advise pleading guilty. By doing so they will likely be lenient and give you only six months to a year of jail time.¡±

    ¡°How could they put me in jail without any kind of trial? How am I guilty before proven innocent? I''ve never laid a finger on these people or ever threatened to do so.¡± I exclaimed, unwilling to buy what she tried to sell. ¡°Only six months to a year? For sending a notice of appeal, a court document, to their home and emailing a mutual friend? Does that sound right to you? Something is very wrong here."

    ¡°We can work some kind of program out with the City of Long Beach prosecutor''s office that would also likely include community service.¡±

    ¡°Let me advise you about the kind of person I am so you know who you¡¯re defending in this case.¡± I responded as confidently as she advised me to plead guilty to a crime I didn¡¯t commit. ¡°I¡¯ll never plead guilty to something I¡¯ve never done.¡±

    ¡°It doesn¡¯t matter in your situation.¡± she retorted, shaking her head. ¡°You don¡¯t have the evidence you need to disprove any of these counts. Plus you have a restraining order working against you. In the eyes of the court, you''re essentially already guilty.¡±

    ¡°Let me rephrase that then.¡± I restated. ¡°I¡¯ll never plead guilty to anything I¡¯m not guilty of. The only thing I¡¯m guilty of here is defending myself.¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s the way you see this?¡± she chuckled. ¡°As defending yourself. Mr. Lastman? Really?¡±

    ¡°Absolutely.¡±

    She sighed heavily, placing both hands on her knees. ¡°They will see this as harassment, not as an act of self-defense.¡±

    ¡°Where is the threat to their safety that warrants me to be put into custody? There have been no acts of physical violence giving the court a reason to put me in jail.¡± I countered, my voice now hoarse from emotional exhaustion. ¡°Any emotional distress the protected parties are feeling is being contrived to hide the truth from the people around them. Jackson is driving this crazy train and using unknown people in the court system to make this threat greater than it is. I hate to break it to everyone that¡¯s in on this, but I have the truth on my side and the knowledge I did nothing wrong. They have no justifiable reason to ever bring me into custody.¡±

    ¡°How do you plead, Mr. Lastman?¡± She asked, looking exasperated.

    ¡°How do you think I plead?¡± I said, shaking my head; completely winded.

    ¡°Okay.¡± she replied, giving a quick nod then stuffing the documents back into her binder. ¡°Go back inside and have a seat. They¡¯ll call us back up in about ten minutes.¡±

    ¡°Thank you.¡± I said, trying to slow my racing heartbeat.

    What side was she on? Or, was this how public defenders kept their legal services so cheap? I guess it made sense¡ªget their clients to plead guilty so no legal expenses can be incurred by the state of California. If I had been weaker and broke, like most in the courthouse, pleading guilty when I wasn¡¯t would¡¯ve easily happened. They wanted to put me into custody? On what grounds? All because I emailed a friend to vent upon learning I was lied to for two years that came at a great personal cost? For having a court document mailed to their home that was required to be delivered to them? All of this didn¡¯t make sense, and that¡¯s why it was hard to believe all of this wasn¡¯t devised by people in Jackson''s circle. People who were lied to about who I was and the nature of my relationship with Anya¡ªwhy it was absolutely necessary to tell my side of the story to Debbie.

    The world of politics was an octopus¡ªits tentacles wrapped tightly around the almighty dollar, using the scales of justice as a shield, like shells, to avoid being found by predators¡ªthe general public. This was how our tax dollars were being spent. This was what the soldiers who died were fighting for when they stormed the beaches of Normandy during the second world war. So people like Jackson, and those of the same ilk, could manipulate the justice system. His show of power only proved everything was at stake for him, and he meant exactly what he said¡ªhe would stop at nothing to destroy me. Little did he know that happened several years ago when my soulmate went along with it. For Anya to even be attracted to, let alone to be and go with anything a man like Jackson did, spoke volumes to me about her cowardice and everything she convinced me she wasn¡¯t. Is this someone she raised her kids to emulate? I just couldn¡¯t have fathomed after allowing and encouraging me to fall in love with her she was this much of a fraud. Yet, still unwilling to accept this was who she really was.

    When I re-entered the courtroom, luckily finding an open seat, I had a much clearer view of how those who struggled financially became pawns of the legal system. After my public defender tried to sell me on pleading guilty, without at least reciting the actual law I broke itself, I wondered how many others have plead guilty taking her advisement? How many others she convinced to admit to crimes they didn¡¯t commit because they were weakened by their financial situation? How many of those people were sitting in jail cells for the crime of just being broke? How many people she conned into believing they were guilty before proven innocent and not the other way around? So the State of California could waste taxpayer money elsewhere? This courthouse, just one of many in this state, seemed to be extensions of a greedy corporation masquerading as a government for the people. It even felt like my arraignment hearing was taking place in another country because the Bill of Rights seemingly had no place here. How else were all these city prosecutors, judges and public defenders going to be paid? Jackson made sure they would profit on me loving someone better than he ever could--undoubtedly making the system even more money if they put me behind bars. Made easier when the State of California had absolutely no evidence I mailed a completely innocuous notice of appeal to the protected parties yet still charged me for it. No police reports were ever filed and no arrests were ever made yet they wanted to bring me into custody? Somehow this arraignment hearing was allowed to happen without any regard to the truth, but what made it even worse is that a system that never had a problem with me was now out to take what little remained of my soul.

    When my time came to face the judge, with the prospect of being put into custody hanging in the balance, I silently vowed to not let Jackson get away with this. I''ve witnessed the corruption once again, that even my own public defender was on the side of Jackson, or the State of California¡ªI was on my own here. When my case was called, Nancy gestured for me to come up and stand behind the podium next to her. When the judge asked for my plea, she leaned into the microphone.

    ¡°The plea is not guilty, your Honor.¡± she announced without emotion.

    ¡°Alright.¡± The dark haired female judge replied while jotting something down.

    At that moment, one of the three female prosecutors, a thin blonde wearing a nice custom fitted suit began speaking into her own microphone at a table next to us.

    ¡°Your Honor, we are requesting to have this trial today¡ªwe have two of the protected parties, including a friend, in an anteroom ready to testify against the defendant.¡± She told the judge before pointing her finger at me. ¡°This man has been harassing and stalking the protected parties for four years now. We are asking the court that he be put into custody if the trial cannot take place today¡ªthe parties feel threatened and fear for their safety. Mr. Lastman is not mentally well¡ªhe is psychotic in every sense of the word. He has two restraining orders against him and still refuses to stop harassing the victims. They have two children who are now scared for their lives¡ªthis man is a monster. The entire family is living in a constant state of fear. Their lives have been thrown into chaos! They have suffered severe emotional distress at the hands of the defendant who won''t leave them alone. They are sick and tired of it and demand the court take action against Mr. Lastman immediately by bringing him into custody!¡±

    ¡°Well, the law does allow the defendant the right to a speedy trial.¡± Replied the judge, who then beckoned for the bailiff, a thick towering moustached caucasian male, to stand directly behind me. ¡°Have you been arrested, Mr. Lastman?¡±

    I looked over at Nancy for approval who then nodded her head.

    ¡°No, your Honor.¡±

    Now turning her attention to the female prosecutor, the judge made another inquiry. ¡°Has the protected parties filed a police report regarding Mr. Lastman¡¯s current alleged erratic behavior?¡±

    ¡°No, your Honor.¡±

    ¡°Do you have anything to add, Mr. Lastman?¡±

    I looked over at the Nancy once more, who again nodded.

    ¡°Thank you. I can¡¯t reiterate this enough¡ªI am not guilty of what they are accusing me of, Your Honor.¡± I spoke confidently before pointing a finger in the direction of the prosecution. ¡°They¡¯re not telling you all the facts the court needs to make an informed fair decision. I am confident when the entire story is learned, the alleged harassment will appear much different than their interpretation of it. The plaintiffs are hoping to push this quickly through because they have a lot to hide, mostly my side of the story. This trial will likely take days, if not a week, to determine its outcome. For them to think they can rush this trial through in a few hours should be looked upon skeptically by the court.¡±

    ¡°Alright then.¡± Acknowledge the judge. ¡°Anything else, prosecutor?¡±

    I looked over at all three of the very professional prosecution team, a glaring contrast to my thin defense team. All three shook their heads as the lead prosecutor scowled at me before leaning into the microphone again to speak.

    ¡°The defendant is only going to continue breaking the restraining order if he is not put into custody and a high bail amount not set today, your Honor. He has shown no respect whatsoever for any of the two restraining orders he has against him.¡±

    The judge continued to write on a note pad before she answered. ¡°No police reports were filed against the defendant and he was never arrested. Additionally, he appeared on time and is in court today. The defendant will not be put into custody today and no bail amount will be set.  However, Mr. Lastman, you are being warned that any breach of the restraining orders will bring cause for your immediate arrest. Is that understood, Sir?¡±

    My public defender turned to me and smiled.

    I smiled back at Nancy and nodded. ¡°Understood, your Honor.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯ll set the start date of the trial for July twenty-fifth.¡± Announced the judge. ¡°Does that work for you, Mr. Lastman?¡±

    ¡°Yes, your Honor.¡±

    ¡°Prosecutor?¡±

    ¡°We can¡¯t get a sooner date, your Honor?¡±

    ¡°Unfortunately, no.¡±

    ¡°We accept that date.¡± She sighed.

    ¡°Alright.¡± She looked up at me as the bailiff, or Gregor "The Mountain" Clegane, walked back to his station. ¡°Until then the parties are dismissed.¡±

    Nancy turned to me, grabbing her bag off the floor beside her. ¡°Congratulations. I guess I¡¯ll see you then.¡±

    ¡°Thank you. see you then.¡± I told her, unsure if I''d continue to use her services.

    Before leaving, I glanced over at the lead female prosecutor who was stuffing documents, likely all the emails I sent Debbie, irritably back into her briefcase. I didn¡¯t know much about prosecutors, but she appeared to have a highly vested interest in this case¡ªhell bent on putting me in prison for a non-violent crime. It did feel good to know she¡¯d have to walk into that anteroom to burst Jackson¡¯s bubble¡ªhis first attempt to destroy me failing spectacularly. If they didn¡¯t want me to appeal the restraining order, then they shouldn¡¯t have commited perjury the day of my restraining order hearing¡ªit¡¯s really that simple. Let alone requesting a separate courtroom to deny me a fair hearing in both fact and appearance. And lastly, Jackson should have never attempted to provoke me that day. We were all here again because of the antics they pulled¡ªI wasn¡¯t going quietly away like the others did before me. I¡¯ve lost too much. I had to make coming after me the worst decision he ever made.

    After dodging the bullet Jackson meant for me, I sat in my car before leaving the courthouse and made a phone call.

    ¡°Lando?¡±

    ¡°Hey man, how¡¯s it goin¡¯?¡±

    ¡°Not much¡­haven¡¯t heard from you in almost a year!¡± excitedly exclaimed the voice on the phone.

    ¡°Yeah man, it¡¯s been a little over a year actually.¡± I replied. ¡°I¡¯m kind of jonesing over here¡ªcan Jeff get me any of the blues? The thirties? Is he still doing that kind of thing?¡±

    ¡°Yeah, he¡¯s still dealin¡¯¡ªhe can get those but you should try the forty Oxys he has¡ªpharmacy grade, dude.¡±

    I paused for about ten seconds before responding.

    "Lando, you there?"

    ¡°Yeah, I''m still here." I reluctantly confirmed. "I think I¡¯m gonna need both.¡±

 CHAPTER 41 ~ THE IRRECONCILABLE

    ¡°You make me smash the clock and feel.

    I¡¯d rather die behind the wheel.

    Time was never on my side.

    Now I wait my whole lifetime.¡±

    ~ ¡°The Outlaw Torn¡± Metallica

    ¡°How much time will you need to secure new counsel, Mr. Lastman?¡± inquired the same judge from my arraignment hearing.

    ¡°I think I¡¯ll need a few weeks, your Honor.¡± I replied, trying to be accurate.

    ¡°I will grant you a continuance of two months to obtain the services of an attorney.¡± She told me. ¡°Do you object, Mr. Lastman.¡±

    ¡°Not at all, thank you.¡±

    ¡°Lead prosecutor?¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s fine.¡± She replied, shaking her head clearly frustrated.

    ¡°Alright. We will meet again on¡­¡± she paused, looking at her computer screen. ¡°September twenty-seventh at nine a.m. Do those dates work for both parties?¡±

    I nodded at Nancy before she leaned into the microphone. ¡°Yes, your Honor.¡±

    ¡°Yes.¡± Reluctantly agreed the prosecution.

    And just like that my July twenty-fifth hearing date came and went with two more months to spare. Informing Nancy of my decision the first thing that morning¡ªI wanted to hire an outside attorney. After informing me the court would allow the time to find one that could best represent me, I couldn¡¯t have been happier. Of course, I didn¡¯t think more than two weeks was needed but was grateful for the extra time because where would I start? The beauty of it all though was how much it bothered the prosecution¡ªallowing me another two months of freedom; showing the court the ¡°threat¡± I posed to the protected parties was an absolute farce while throwing a monkey wrench into Jackson¡¯s plans to destroy me. I fantasized about walking right into the anteroom to tell the waiting protected parties ¡°see you in a couple of months¡± to rub it in. Seeking a continuance didn¡¯t arise from any premeditated scheme of mine but only from the natural need for a new attorney; undeniably feeling good to beat them at their own game. After seeing firsthand, how at least this public defender appeared to be on the side of the state of California, there was no way I could leave this to chance with a possible jail sentence hanging in the balance. I needed someone who would fight for me, not against me. I didn¡¯t believe the entire California state system of justice was corrupted, but the pieces that were involved with my case certainly were¡ªI just had no proof of who or how it was being done. The fact I was being threatened with a jail sentence for innocuous non-physical violent crimes just didn¡¯t pass the smell test. The fact I, at the very least, attempted to have a police officer deliver the notice of appeal, let alone also sending emails to a third party, should provide adequate evidence of respecting the restraining order. But now, were there really two restraining orders and not just the one? No doubt an attorney was needed to help clean this mess and properly communicate it to the court.

    A corporate lawyer, who I befriended while working in the same offices as one of my restaurant clients, referred me to a lawyer who could help ¡ªMac Simon. I set up an appointment immediately with his office for a consultation. With his advertising catch phrase of ¡°Simon says¡­you¡¯re not guilty!¡± he seemed like the open minded attorney I needed. Mac Simon operated as a small one person law firm, but came highly recommended by my corporate lawyer acquaintance, even telling me he had a specialty in handling cases like mine. Needless to say I couldn¡¯t wait to talk to him.

    On the day of my consultation, Mac Simon was well dressed in a loose dark blue suit and stood sturdily built about half a foot taller than me with long thin wavy hair that hung down just past his forehead. He walked very slowly but deliberately when he went to shake my hand before taking a seat behind a pile of dark brown accordion type files on his large glass top desk.

    ¡°You came highly recommended by Frank.¡± I told him.

    ¡°Oh really?¡± He replied, appearring surprised while loosening the thick red tie around his neck. ¡°Frank¡¯s good people. How do you know him?¡±

    ¡°His office is in the same office building of a restaurant client of mine.¡± I informed him, feeling a bit tense for some reason. ¡°One day he approached me about doing some forensic accounting work on behalf of a client of his¡ªhe wanted a CPA to do the work.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re a CPA?¡± he asked, sliding some of the files out of the way.

    ¡°Yes, Sir.¡±

    Putting on a pair of thick dark rimmed glasses, he then asked. ¡°How did a CPA get into this restraining order nonsense?¡±

    I laughed, relieving the tension. ¡°I don¡¯t think I could afford the time it would cost me to tell you.¡±

    ¡°This is a flat one hundred fee." He smiled. "But next time..."

    I nodded, appreciating how his relaxed demeanor calmed my nerves. Talking about Anya in the past tense brought out emotions in me I wasn''t used to and reliving the pain was extremely difficult, but Mac Simon had a cool sense about him--the type of person I needed to defend me.

    After telling him the honest truth about my situation, the beautiful, the horrific, and the hideous he looked at me before speaking for the first time in twenty minutes.

    ¡°I¡¯ve been there, Landyn. Not with a married woman, but I know what it''s like to love someone deeply then be hurt by them.¡± He told me. ¡°You know, the more restraining orders the state of California grants, the less men will be willing to even date anyone anymore let alone fall in love and get married, heaven forbid."

    ¡°I can tell you firsthand, that is absolutely true.¡± I shook my head. ¡°I guess the world¡¯s changed a lot.¡±

    ¡°These judges are handing them out to women like Halloween candy to kids¡ªthey don¡¯t have to prove a damn thing.¡± He replied, removing his glasses to rub his face before wiping the lenses with a cloth. ¡°The reality is they can pretty much say whatever they want to get a restraining order only to use them as swords instead of shields.¡±

    I nodded in agreement. ¡°I''m sure a lot of restraining orders obtained by women are justified but when they''re used as weapons just to get back at someone, they become grossly unjust."

    ¡°Throw in a crazy jealous narcistic sociopathic husband and it gets even worse.¡± He smiled.

    ¡°Especially if that husband is Jackson Caiaphas.¡± I added. ¡°Something else she should have told me when we met.¡±

    ¡°Should I know who that is?¡± He asked, before putting his glasses back on.

    ¡°Never heard of him?¡±

    ¡°Nope.¡± He replied before squinting and tilting his head to the left. ¡°Should I have?¡¯

    ¡°He¡¯s a pretty prominent business man based in Irvine. Owns a substantial amount of commercial real estate in southern California and is expanding. He¡¯s running for a congressional house seat this year.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯ll have to look him up.¡± He told me before one finger punching a search description on his keyboard. ¡°Ah, okay¡­Jackson Caiaphas running for a seat on the House of Representatives in San Francisco, Congressional District Eleven. He¡¯s running against Nancy Pelosi?¡±

    ¡°Not sure who Nancy Pelosi is.¡±

    ¡°You know who Jackson Caiaphas is but not Nancy Pelosi?¡± He chuckled, seemingly bewildered. ¡°She was only the former Speaker of the House.¡±

    ¡°I had no idea.¡± I admitted. ¡°I¡¯m pretty ignorant when it comes to politics.¡±

    Mac bellowed with laughter. ¡°Apparently!¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m not a conspiracy theorist by any stretch of the imagination, Mac." "I brokered. "But this is why I feel Jackson was able to manipulate and use the system against me. I don¡¯t know who is doing his bidding specifically, but it¡¯s why I also believe Anya is being forced into doing this.¡±

    ¡°He probably feels justified because he believes he¡¯s protecting his children.¡± He countered. ¡°How old are they?¡±

    ¡°The kids? Oh wow, let me think.¡± I paused. ¡°They must be seventeen and nineteen now. The daughter, Katie, is the oldest. She might be in college now, but I¡¯m not sure.¡±

    ¡°Those aren¡¯t kids anymore.¡±

    ¡°I guess not¡­hard to believe.¡±

    ¡°He¡¯s likely laying the guilt on heavily.¡± He conjectured.

    ¡°Well, he¡¯s the one to blame¡ªI didn¡¯t jump into without the assurance from her I wouldn''t be in the middle of a salvageable marriage.¡± I elucidated, feeling uneasy as the pill I took earlier began wearing off. ¡°I feel misled about that and other things.¡±

    ¡°Who represented you during the first restraining order hearing in two thousand nine?¡±

    ¡°That hearing never took place because the restraining order request was denied by the court. There is only one restraining order." I told him, showing him my right index finger. "The one they were granted in two thousand eleven¡ªthree years ago.¡±

    ¡°But they¡¯re saying there¡¯s two?¡± He replied, shaking his head. ¡°This isn¡¯t adding up.¡±

    ¡°Yes, but I have documentation that proves the first restraining order request was denied due to a lack of evidence.¡±

    ¡°Who represented you in the only hearing in two thousand eleven?¡±

    ¡°Me, myself and I.¡± I smiled.

    ¡°Seriously?¡±

    "Yep."

    ¡°No wonder why you¡¯re in this mess.¡± He laughed, staring at me in disbelief while shaking his head. ¡°Why would you do that?¡±

    ¡°I believed my response to the restraining order was iron clad.¡± I explained. "I was also in a bad spot financially and thought I didn''t need a lawyer."

    ¡°You responded to the restraining order?¡± he asked in an incredulous tone, with widened brown eyes.

    ¡°It was necessary to defend myself. I had to."

    ¡°You should never respond to a restraining order¡ªnever.¡± He scolded. ¡°Big mistake.¡±

    ¡°Really? I can¡¯t defend myself?¡±

    ¡°You defend yourself in court. You don¡¯t ever give them anything to use against you like that.¡± He clarified, now removing his tie. ¡°Did you talk to a detective or the police?¡±

    ¡°Never did.¡±

    ¡°Good. They''re not your friends.¡± He expounded. ¡°And you were never arrested?¡±

    ¡°Not once.¡±

    ¡°Where did you grow up?¡± He then asked, throwing me off.

    ¡°Harbor City.¡±

    ¡°Harbor City?" He chuckled before tossing his tie behind him. "And you have a clean record?¡±

    I laughed. ¡°The city has a lot of riff raff now. Fortunately for me I grew up when it was a really good place to live and start a family.¡±

    ¡°Do you have the emails you wrote to the friend?¡±

    I nodded before opening my binder to hand the small stack of print outs off to him.

    Mac perused them for a few minutes before removing his glasses. ¡°Whoa. She really had a hold on you.¡±

    ¡°Yep.¡± I told him without embarrasment but fighting back the building negative emotions, hoping he¡¯d not say the wrong thing.

    ¡°This doesn¡¯t look good.¡± He announced while still reading them before breaking away to look at me. ¡°They are saying this is one of the violations?¡±

    ¡°Yes, but they were sent without the intention of breaking the order, believing emailing her wouldn¡¯t be a violation." I countered, nervously shifting in my chair. "I even stated in one of the emails for her not to tell Anya and that the communication was intended to just be between us.¡±

    ¡°By emailing the friend..." He paused before putting his glasses back on. "Were you doing it in a therapeutic sense?¡±

    ¡°It became more therapeutic than anything. She never blocked me. She never responded. For all I knew I was sending these to no one.¡± I answered, feeling more at ease. ¡°If I knew I¡¯d be in the same amount of trouble for emailing the friend, I would¡¯ve just sent the emails to Anya and her husband instead. Why go through a middle man?¡±

    ¡°What¡¯s the other violation for?¡±

    ¡°They claim I mailed a notice of appeal to their house, but it was my mother who mailed it.¡±

    ¡°They¡¯re accusing you of violating the restraining order because they claim you personally mailed a notice of appeal?¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s correct.¡±

    Producing a wry smile, Mac shook his head before asking. ¡°What were you appealing?¡±

    Taken back by his question, I took a deep breath before answering. ¡°The five year restraining order because of its magnitude and believing it was obtained on false pretenses.¡±

    ¡°Who filed the notice of appeal with the court for you?¡±

    ¡°I did.¡±

    If body language was the most used form of communication, Mac''s suggested he found the first person "Simon said was guilty".

    ¡°We have a very tangled mess here we need to sort out.¡± He broke with a genuine look of concern on his face. ¡°You created a helluva situation for yourself. You should''ve had a lawyer from day one, Landyn.¡±

    I nodded in agreement. ¡°I see that now.¡±

    ¡°I cannot believe they¡¯re coming after you for this notice of appeal.¡± He revealed, once again settling my nerves. ¡°That¡¯s just weird. They¡¯re clearly using the restraining order as a sword instead of a shield here.¡±

    ¡°They¡¯re tryin¡¯ to spin it as if I sent it to them knowingly past the deadline¡ªit¡¯s simply not true.¡± I clarified ¡°I lost nearly a thousand dollars filing the damn thing past the deadline. The clerk at the courthouse should¡¯ve made me aware of that when filing¡ªI¡¯m no attorney and it''s non-refundable.¡±

    He laughed. ¡°Only adding insult to injury on top of your shit pile here.¡±

    ¡°Furthermore Mac, her husband has provoked me on several occasions. He¡¯s no angel in any of this and it¡¯s become very challenging to rein myself in.¡± I answered honestly, driving home the reason why the "shit pile" existed. ¡°I think any man in my situation, knowing the things I do, feeling as strongly as I do about our relationship, would find it hard to bite their tongue. I¡¯ve suffered and lost too much. I believe I¡¯ve shown great restraint because I think any other man would¡¯ve already pulverized this guy.¡±

    ¡°God, I¡­I know how this feels¡­¡± He replied before spreading out all the emails; covering the top of his entire desk then sighing. ¡°We got a mess here.¡±

    ¡°I understand. You know, I sought you out because they wanted to bring me in custody at my arraignment hearing. I¡¯m looking at six months to a year stint here.¡± I told him, suddenly feeling overwhelmed by the fear and anxiety of being defeated. ¡°I couldn¡¯t take a chance with the public defender with this much at stake for me. If he wins this, my life is over, Mac.¡±

    ¡°Here¡¯s what I need you to do for me.¡± He replied, reaching for a pen then tossing it to me.

    Bringing the notepad out from within my binder, I was poised to begin writing. ¡°Alright.¡±

    ¡°I need you to put together a timeline of everything¡ªfrom the moment you met Anya to the moment it all went south.¡± He instructed, while I jotted down notes suddenly reliving my college days. ¡°I also need everything you ever sent to a court, including all communication to the protected parties before the restraining order was obtained and after. I mean everything, Landyn. I can¡¯t defend you if you hold onto things I need to know.¡±

    ¡°I understand.¡±

    ¡°How did the prosecution act when you told them you wanted a continuance so you could obtain outside legal representation?¡±

    ¡°They were very annoyed by that.¡± I relayed. ¡°Not happy campers.¡±

    ¡°Good. I want you to request another continuance at the next court date.¡± He further directed. ¡°Tell them your attorney needs time to study the case.¡±

    ¡°Will they grant me another continuance?¡±

    ¡°Are you going to have me as your legal representative?¡±

    ¡°I would like to.¡± I replied, perking up.

    ¡°Then they have to grant that to you.¡±

    I smiled then laughed imagining the look on Jackson¡¯s face after hearing of another continuance.

    When the day of the hearing arrived, two months since requesting the first continuance, Nancy stood in on my behalf one final time before handing off the reins to Mac Simon. After she requested another continuance on my behalf and another month postponement was granted by the judge, I couldn¡¯t help but turn to the lead prosecutor and crack a smile.

    ¡°Please give Mr. Caiaphas my warmest regards.¡± I told her under my breath after turning away from her.

    ¡°Excuse me?¡± she replied loudly hoping the judge would hear, her ocean blue eyes bulging from her well maintained countenance.

    ¡°Good day.¡± I replied with a short nod before walking away; feeling some sense of justice leaving the courtroom.

    I knew how much the continuances irritated Jackson¡ªhaving to break away from his busy schedule of bullshitting all those around him. After he threatened to destroy my life, after having my life wrecked beyond his purposeful blind comprehension, angering him gave me the greatest satisfaction. Hopefully, the longer I drug this out, the more inclined Anya would come clean knowing why I pushed back so hard on this. The only crime committed here was the one done against me¡ªintentionally keeping the truth from all those in their "circle". Only Anya and I knew the truth, no one else did, but until she broke, this would only continue to drag on. I¡¯m not sure Anya was aware of Jackson¡¯s threats to me, especially considering he put her in harm¡¯s way by telling an alleged psychopath she lied to him about everything. It just didn''t make sense she''d allow him to provoke me--she was never in his presence when he was antagonizing me in court. Of course, I knew she wasn¡¯t in any danger, but Jackson certainly didn¡¯t know that. It only highlighted how ¡°coming after people¡± by using his people in high places network wasn¡¯t well thought out because he thought he knew me. Even Anya told Jackson one time ¡°you don¡¯t know him¡± in my defense¡ªa remnant of the woman I came to know and love. Undoubtedly, Lance quickly bowed out when Jackson went after him¡ªthe reason how Anya knew he¡¯d come after me without hesitation. Bringing me back to our conversation when she told me ¡°It¡¯s not a threat. I just know him, that¡¯s all¡± but maybe that''s exactly what it was? I just didn''t know it at the time.

    No matter what the outcome was, this case gave Anya an opportunity to prove me wrong about her¡ªmy last chance at surviving all this chaos. It was extremely difficult to have believed in love for so long only to force myself into believing my soulmate never had an undying love for me, if she ever truly loved me at all. I could lie to myself all day long but I still loved her. After all she put me through, after lying to a judge about threatening to kidnap her kids and all the misrepresentations, I couldn¡¯t eradicate myself from the allure of all we shared together. The best times of my life were all the seconds, all the minutes, all the hours, all the days I spent with her. By denying what I still felt, those moments in time, the best moments of my lifetime, never existed. How many people were forced to fall out of love with someone they loved more than life itself? Although I still loved her, it didn¡¯t mean I didn¡¯t feel wronged by what she has done. And for most people on the outside looking in, she should be kicked in the face before being kicked to the curb, but that wasn¡¯t me. Sure, I could say mean and hurtful things, but for the most part, I never wanted to believe any of the horrible things I said about her were true. If they were, this life was over for me; there would be no recovery. By holding on to love, I held out hope for a continued earthly existence before naturally being called home, refusing to do anything rash while denying I was living on borrowed time.

    A few days after my last continuance, on a friday, I was driving in Irvine on my way to staying at my father¡¯s time share in Laguna Beach for a week. After my great aunt passed away, she gave it to my father but since he was busy taking care of his father, he gave it to me. After all the crazy stress falling upon me with my business and the alleged restraining order violations, it provided a nice respite. Of course, I would be drawn to visiting Republique, the Sea and Strand hotel and its bar, Sparkles, to relive a few of the best moments of my life when I was there, but sleeping in, crashing on the beach and even playing some basketball on the Pacific ocean front courts were on the forefront of my agenda. I also planned to finish a continuing education course for my license¡¯s renewal at a nearby caf¨¦ along with having some really nice lunches and dinners when I¡¯m out there. I also hoped to spend some time at the beachside condo working on my novel, "The Passion Particle", my new therapy.

    Before reaching Laguna Beach, a white BMW from out of nowhere nearly drove me entirely off the road. After managing to straighten my car after avoiding the sideswipe, I then purposely traveled close behind before they hit the brakes leaving me just inches away from their back bumper. This was the worst time of my life for anyone, not only a motorist, to pull this kind of stunt. I was a loose cannon just waiting on humanity to take the remaining faith I had left in it. Pounding my fist on the horn, the driver hit their brakes again, leaving me to feel guilty and wondering if I did something causing them to react this way. Unable to pinpoint what I¡¯ve done to give this elitist the audacity to use his luxury sedan as a weapon, a brown arm pointed upwards from outside of the driver side window daring me to pull over. Fulfilling his request, we pulled our cars over onto a side street, where only two hundred yards to our right stood a small office building in this fairly remote area in Irvine. Immediately a large thick Hispanic man, appearing to be in his late twenties or early thirties and wearing a red bandana around his bald head, jumped out of his Beemer. Fearing he would attack me while strapped behind the wheel, I quickly emerged from my Mercedes to meet him. Without a single word, he lunged forward with a clenched right fist, his surpising shot barely glancing off the left side of my face while grazing my lip. I pushed him away then got into his chest to shorten his reach advantage, prompting him to spit in my face, leaving a thick mixture of mucus and saliva just below my left eye near my nose. Smelling the stench of his bad breath, he threw an open hand that caught the left side of my neck. After noticing his hand could cover my entire face, this appeared to be a match I couldn¡¯t win. Taking a page out of the Caiaphas playbook, I pulled out my iPhone then walked to the back of his car to take a picture of his license plate number.

    ¡°Looks like you¡¯re going back to jail...¡± I told him. ¡°For assault and battery.¡±

    Apparently hitting the nail on the head, like a scurrying rat, he fled into his car and from the scene in mere seconds, leaving me standing alone in the dirt. Although not a stranger to verbal altercations on the road, they never left me feeling compelled to file a police report. They pretty much never enter my mind again after they happen, but this was also different¡ªthe first time I¡¯ve ever been assaulted. It then dawned on me why the guy ran away so quickly¡ªwas this a hit job? After Jackson failed to put me behind bars, his goal all along, I wouldn¡¯t have put it past him. After my small court wins, maybe the guy was hired to take my life but got cold feet? For all I knew he was an MMA fighter since he appearred to fit the profile, but he had to have followed me all the way from my father¡¯s home to know I was heading out this way. I guess after arriving at what seemed to be a place of few eyewitnesses, he took his shot. With a bloody lip, the stench of his gingivitis breath on my face and feeling I had no eyewitnesses to the assault, I opted to head to Laguna Beach instead yet more aware of Jackson¡¯s plans to destroy me no matter what the cost. If he couldn¡¯t do it through the legal system, or personally fight me "MMA style", he''d get someone on the outside to bring me to heel. If he believed for a second I was out to hurt his kids, there¡¯s no question he¡¯d feel justified enough to have someone send me a message, if not, take me out completely. Regardless, this would only be just another conspiracy theory if I brought it up to Mac Simon¡ªI had no hard evidence of anything I claimed was being done in the dark against me. Although lacking concrete proof, this was undoubtedly another attempt by Jackson to destroy me.

    Jackson¡¯s ¡°fighting to protect my kids and family¡± creed, as if I were some kind of axe murderer, didn¡¯t sit well with me. The facts were these¡ªhe cheated on his pregnant wife several times. One of those relationships was with another man¡¯s wife that destroyed their marriage yet he felt entitled to a free pass because that married couple didn''t have any children. What he didn''t know was that his wife pursued me¡ªI didn¡¯t initiate any conversations with her and only listened and trusted all she ever told me, especially all the horiffic things about him. I couldn¡¯t have imagined in a million lifetimes Anya would¡¯ve allowed and encouraged me to fall deeply in love with her, showing me she felt the same exact way, then look upon our relationship, one she called ¡°pure¡± and ¡°true¡± as something she needed to protect her kids and family from. This was all a disgusting lie affecting my entire future while hers and Jackson¡¯s remained unaffected. I¡¯m sure there was a lot less trust in their marriage now than ever before, but nothing truly changed. If I had threatened to physically harm any of the protected parties, especially the kids, and I¡¯ve demonstrated the ability to do so, I¡¯d understand their disdain with me a lot better. The self-righteousness perpetuated by their treachery only inspired me to keep fighting, and if I truly believed their children would suffer, I¡¯d drop it all today. Both Jackson and Anya knew they fucked up yet Jackson seemed justified enough to double down by coming after me but he was really only protecting himself more than his kids. He should divorce his wife and let her have happiness instead of holding on to a fraudulent marriage that only left decent people open to being hurt by them. Their marriage was the problem, not me and it hurt their kids more than I ever could. If I''m a monster in their eyes, their marriage created it.

    When the day of the hearing arrived, Mac Simon called to let me know he was running about fifteen minutes behind. With it being his first trip to the new courthouse in Long Beach, I completely understood. After letting the bailiff know my attorney was running late, while walking out of the courtroom, I saw Anya, Jackson and their attorney, Claudine Courtney, huddled together in an anteroom. Upon seeing Anya, my heart began beating rapidly¡ªlike it always did whenever I saw her. It had been two years since I last seen her, the time she walked by me on the street while delivering documents to a client''s new office. Feeling a profound anguish upon seeing her, I ran to the restroom to pop a half of a blue pill, my second half within the last hour.

    After this recent purchase made from my dealer, Jeff, I performed a Google search to identify the blue pills but never found any information on them. The seriousness of my decision was jolted into consciousness after reading an article in the Los Angeles Times about dealers making pills out of Fentanyl because they could be produced more cheaply. If any of these pills consisted of a single milligram of Fentanyl, it would bring instant death, but it didn¡¯t matter if the pill contained thirty milligrams of it--I just didn''t care. My life ended when Anya decided not to vouch for us, a love she described as pure and true. If she ever believed divorce was beneath her, she should¡¯ve enlightened me with that knowledge the night we met. Or when she attacked me for fighting for her after asking me if I would. Or when she allowed me to love her only on terms of her own after telling me her love was unconditional. And I bought into everything she sold me, even after all the heartache I experienced with women before meeting her. Yet after all I¡¯ve been through and all I¡¯ve said and done¡ªI didn¡¯t want to be right about her in that way. Still refuising to fully accept she played me for a fool although all the evidence seemed to point so. This was now all about redemption of my character and finding a way to reconcile who Anya really was.

    After four years apart, a piece of me remained torn, even unwilling to accept my mother¡¯s analysis before she passed¡ªthat Anya played me for a fool. My mother was just trying to get her son to move on knowing he had her same feisty and passionate spirit. I don¡¯t think she fully believed either that Anya played me for a fool, but she knew she had little time left to see me happy¡ªwanting to go to her grave knowing there was contentment with my life. I¡¯m certain, as much as I wanted to be wrong about Anya¡¯s manipulations and betrayal, my mother also wanted to be wrong about it too. Who Anya was, after telling me she had no feelings for her husband; after telling me she never kissed him back, after telling me she never told him she loved him, and after telling me they lived like roommates but learning that wasn¡¯t true, I needed to reconcile. There was no denying she lied to me, but how many lies did she tell? If she didn¡¯t fully lie, she told me half lies to manipulate me into having feelings for her. For instance, what if she never kissed him back because she didn''t want to smudge her lipstick and not because she lacked feelings for him? Half lies were the absolute worst lies anyone could tell to someone and I needed to know the truth about their makeup before making the ultimate decision to fade to black. I needed to know if I had fallen in love with an angel or the greatest of demons. Even after all her lies, half or full, including her being overweight and in chronic pain yet running the Los Angeles marathon, there still existed this piece of me that gave her the benefit of the doubt. Or maybe this was my ego? Did I possess narcissistic traits as well? That I was too brilliant to have the wool pulled over my eyes? This wasn¡¯t about vengeance for me anymore¡ªI had already sent her back everything she ever gave me. This was all about redemption¡ªthat I was not the person the State of California is portraying me as. If the truth were to reveal there was no redemption for me and only the cognizance Anya did lie to me about her love in order to control me, then this reconciliation would lead me to the darkest of solutions--a rise and fall from a steel pulpit.

    After Mac Simon''s arrival, we were instructed to wait in an anteroom directly across from the petitioners. Mac sported a dark blue suit, gold tie and dark rimmed glasses making my new black suit and gray tie even better.

    ¡°Landyn, is the prosecutor here?¡± he asked, a finger down his neck collar.

    ¡°I didn''t see her there but saw their personal attorney with them in the anteroom across the way.¡± I told him, extending a finger in their direction.

    ¡°I''m going to go talk with her.¡± He informed me. ¡°You stay right here. Do not leave even to get a drink of water without my permission.¡±

    I nodded. "Understood."

    During his absence, the two pill halves began really kicking in, taking my anxiety completely away. I didn¡¯t know what to expect other than finally being able to tell my side of the story. My thoughts then strayed to Anya being so near yet so far away at the same time. Reaching into the inside pocket of my suit, I removed a turquoise pouch marked Tiffany then emptied its contents into my hand. Clutching the necklace brought a smile to my face remembering the times it laid gracefully upon Anya¡¯s beautiful neckline and how she glowed showing it off to me. Life was full of peculiarities and surprises; a miracle in and of itself. If she had a change of heart, I needed to be prepared--a way to show her things could be forgiven on my end if she made things right on hers. I then started reminiscing how she looked on our beach¡ªhow the clouds stunningly pulled away that day, leaving only her immense beauty highlighted by an adoring sun and a royal blue sky. In even the worst of situations, the pills reignited the euphoria I felt each time seeing her. With her being so close, the hope for her goodness melted away the bitterness inside.

    Wildly swinging open the door, Mac Simon barged into the room disrupting my feel good moment before sitting across from me.

    ¡°So, how we doin¡¯?¡± He asked, his hands tapping the table.

    ¡°You tell me, Mac.¡± I lobbed back with a smile.

    ¡°Well, I spoke briefly to the lead prosecutor and asked if they would dismiss the charges.¡± He informed me.

    "You did?" I responded with surprise. "And?"

    ¡°They not so politely declined.¡±

    ¡°Oh well...thanks for asking.¡±

    He kept his eyes on me then shook his head before announcing. ¡°There¡¯s just no evidence of violence here that warrants what they want. Landyn, they want to go to trial.¡±

    ¡°If they want a trial then that¡¯s what I¡¯m here for.¡± I perked. "I''m prepared to fight this. I''ve done nothin'' wrong.¡±

    He then looked at me for a another few seconds before speaking. ¡°There¡¯s a problem that makes this a little more difficult for us.¡±

    ¡°What¡¯s that?¡± I asked, my heartbeat increasing from this sudden revelation.

    ¡°They''re claiming there is a second set of emails you sent to the friend after the day of the arraignment hearing.¡± He clarified, chuckling and shaking his head. ¡°You¡¯re making this really hard on yourself, Landyn. Did you give me those emails?¡±

    I nodded, as an uneasiness filled inside me. "I gave you everything, Mac. You know, I felt I had a right to defend myself. If I had chosen to threaten any of them with bodily harm then I could understand this, but all I did was exercise my constitutional right. I''m not yelling fire in a crowded theater here. I was legitmately defending myself."

    Mac continued to look at me without responding then shaking his head before smiling. "Yeah, unfortunately the court will likely not see it that way."

    "How are they even able to pull this kind of crap?" I broke, the euphoria of the drug now leaving me. "I thought I had proof that Jackson called me on my phone bill but then learned he used a spoof app. Okay, fine but pure deductive reasoning should lead anyone to believe he sent that letter to my father. And then after trying to put me in jail just for delivering a notice of appeal, the court is telling me I have no right to defend myself? If defending myself to the friend was not for a legitimate purpose, then I don''t know what is."

    ¡°You defend yourself here, Landyn.¡± He explained, pounding his right index finger into the table. ¡°In court. With me.¡±

    I nodded but still unable to quell the frustration inside, the drug leaving me with a sense of drowning. ¡°But my hands are tied behind my back because of the people they know in the courts¡ªI''ve not received a fair shake. It¡¯s beyond maddening and disgustingly unjust.¡±

    ¡°You have to go through the right channels to give yourself a fighting chance in this.¡± He elucidated, his eyes peering deep into mine seeking understanding. "Especially because they have the five year order against you on their side."

    ¡°I¡¯ve not sent a single email since, Mac.¡± I added, shaking my head. ¡°I just can¡¯t believe going through a middle man to vent constitutes a violation of the order¡ªthe friend is not a protected party under the restraining order. You even said it yourself¡ªthey aren¡¯t using the restraining order for protection but to attack me with it. We just can¡¯t allow that to happen even if the odds are stacked against us.¡±

    ¡°Well, they¡¯re definitely using it as a sword instead of a shield.¡± He told me, leaning back in his chair. ¡°That¡¯s the problem with these restraining orders nowadays¡ªthey only seem to make things worse. At least in cases like this.¡±

    ¡°My emails do not constitute harassment but self-defense,¡± I strongly reiterated. ¡°Mac, they¡¯re simply lying about me. Why can¡¯t I defend myself if I believed I could without breaking the order? The violation per the code is based on an intent to break the order¡ªmy only intent was to get some things off my chest by venting to someone who knew of our relationship¡ªwho actually championed it in many ways! If they set that email up as a trap then the protected parties, who claimed they didn¡¯t want any form of contact, in essence encouraged me to contact them.¡±

    ¡°They keep bringing up the two orders¡­there¡¯s only the one, right?¡± He asked, shifting away from my diatribe.

    ¡°Yes. As God is my witness.¡± I replied. ¡°I gave you all the paperwork on the one restraining order¡ªit¡¯s the only one.¡±

    We talked a little more, making sure he had all the necessary documentation to fight back their claims, including the false claim of me mailing the notice of appeal to their home. An appeal I would¡¯ve never tried to file if I knew about the deadline¡ªbelieving at least a four year statute of limitations existed for me to appeal. If they never obtained a five year stay away order with lies and without a single act of threatened or physical violence, then filing an appeal would¡¯ve never crossed my mind. Judicial Officer Shamm''s ruling was blatantly obscene and so grossly unjust it required a challenge. If anyone was in any real danger from me, the appeal process would have never been considered This restraining order was simply issued to protect people from learning the truth, stealing the right to defend myself. If they went through such great lengths to hide the truth then they should be able to understand how crucial my innocence was to me. Their lies have only prolonged this into what it has become. After organizing the needed documentation to support our defense, Mac headed back out to challenge the lead prosecutor¡¯s pursuit of a trial.

    When Mac returned fifteen minutes later, he brought with him some surprising news.

    ¡°They¡¯re willing to dismiss the notice of appeal charges.¡± He relayed. ¡°They have no evidence to support the claim.¡±

    I nodded, smiling before stating the obvious. "They never did."

    ¡°The emails though¡­" He paused, raising his eyebrows at me. "This second set is causing us some trouble. They''re ready to go to trial over those.¡±

    ¡°Then let¡¯s go to trial.¡± I nodded, my mind deeply craving another pill. ¡°I''m confident telling my side of the story will get this dismissed."

    Rubbing his chin, Mac then began tapping his hands on the table before abruptly stopping. ¡°I don¡¯t think bringing you up on the stand is a good idea.¡±

    ¡°Why not?¡± I asked, irritated.

    ¡°You¡¯re too emotional about this. It would cause more harm than good.¡±

    ¡°I mean¡­how could I not be?¡±

    ¡°No one is implying you don''t have a right to feel the way you do, but putting you on the stand is too risky given your emotional state.¡± He explained, pulling out the stack of letters and emails I gave him and spreading them out on the table. ¡°Because this makes you look like you have no control of your emotions. This is doomsday right here. One emotional slip up on the stand and you''re going to jail.¡±Love this novel? Read it on Royal Road to ensure the author gets credit.

    All I could do was nod in agreement; I was still an emotional wreck over this. ¡°I know this doesn¡¯t make your job easy on you, but if you consider the content¡­¡±

    ¡°The courts don¡¯t care about the content, they care about the act itself or the likelihood of an act.¡± He cut me off, looking down at all the printed work of my heart. ¡°This is a pile of harassment to the courts, Landyn.¡±

    ¡°It wasn¡¯t sent to harass them but to defend myself after lie after lie after¡­¡±

    ¡°They infected you, Landyn!¡± He yelled. "You let them infect you and you continue to do so."

    Exasperated, emotionally exhausted and suddenly too out of sorts to think straight, I stopped burying myself then placed my hand over my heart to feel the necklace in my suit''s inside pocket. If the courts didn¡¯t understand or care about the truth, then justice would only be mine if Anya came clean.

    ¡°Where do we go from here?¡± I asked, feeling defeated. ¡°If a trial is what they want then I¡¯m ready to fight. I did not intentionally break the restraining order¡ªI was angry and believed I had an avenue to vent my frustration and defend myself.¡±

    ¡°Let¡¯s see if they want to set a trial date then.¡± He told me before rising from out of his seat. ¡°I¡¯ll go back in there and tell them we intend to fight this.¡±

    ¡°Thank you.¡± I told him surprised to learn the trial would not be today before he left me alone with the parasite of my emotions in front of me.

    The only thing giving me pause was my financial situation¡ªMac wouldn¡¯t be cheap and I was drowning in debt. But facing a prison term up to a year, just for defending myself, gave me no options. Everything I had left was at stake and with Jackson hellbent on destroying me, there was no choice but to fight fire with fire. Was Jackson consulting with Anya about his plot or was he and the prosecutor solely running the show? Even worse than that, did Jackson manipulate her into believing she didn¡¯t love her children if she failed to support his effort to crush me? Did he convince her by saying this man is trying to destroy us in the eyes of our children and social circles¡ªwe must take him out with lies if we have to! What will your children think when they find out you were ready to leave me for a drug addicted domestic violent psychopath? Couldn''t Anya see how none of those things defined me before we met? Why couldn''t she vouch for me? Or was she fine with his plan? When Anya said Jackson would come after me, I believed it to be in a physical sense¡ªa "mano y mano" kind of thing not done through the court system. I should¡¯ve expected this though, Jackson had the money. Being thirteen years older, I thought he was old school enough to confront me physically. Which he tried to do¡ªunder the protection of a courthouse and then over the phone with a Spoof app. When that didn¡¯t work, he hired someone to try to take my freedom away but even that ended up backfiring. Although it didn¡¯t feel like it, I was winning this battle against him. If Anya just believed loving me also meant she loved her kids, I¡¯d love nothing more than to return this necklace to its rightful owner.

    Ten minutes later, Mac returned and sat down across from me.

    ¡°So, here¡¯s the deal¡­¡± he paused, shaking his head.

    ¡°Oh boy," I conceeded unenthusiastically.

    ¡°Since you¡¯re a first time offender,¡± he told me, using his fingers to quote the words ¡°first time¡±. ¡°They¡¯re offering to drop the notice of appeal charge. However, they want you to enter a guilty plea to sending the emails to the friend.¡±

    ¡°Uh¡­you¡¯re kidding, right?¡± Shaking my head but knowing he wasn¡¯t.

    ¡°That¡¯s the deal.¡± He told me, tapping his hands on the table. ¡°You don¡¯t have to accept it, but I¡¯m obligated to bring it to you.¡±

    ¡°Pleading guilty is not an option for me.¡± I reiterated. ¡°Let¡¯s go to trial.¡±

    He nodded before slowly rising from his chair before placing his hand on my right shoulder. ¡°I¡¯ll be back.¡±

    ¡°Thanks.¡± I nodded with zero confidence any further deals would make their way to me.

    After he exited, I buried my face into my hands and shook my head. How could they think I¡¯d ever accept that? When Mac returned fifteen minutes later, it got even crazier.

    ¡°Okay, they are offering you a chance to enter into a diversion program.¡±

    ¡°A diversion program? What¡¯s that?¡±

    ¡°They will still drop the notice of appeal charge, but you would have to take a fifty-two week domestic violence course and donate two hundred dollars to a battered women shelter.¡± He explained. ¡°You would also have to plead no contest to the email charges.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re joking, right?¡± I asked, once again with certainty he wasn¡¯t.

    ¡°You don¡¯t have to accept it.¡±

    ¡°By pleading no contest, I¡¯m basically pleading guilty? Right?¡±

    ¡°Pretty much, yes.¡±

    ¡°On top of that they want me to take a domestic violence course and give to a battered women shelter as if I physically harmed Anya? This is even worse than the last offer!¡± I told him, more determined than ever to fight. "This offer should only prove the five year restraining order was fraudulent and illegal. I demand a trial!"

    Mac nodded at me, slowly rose from his seat and announced before exiting yet again. ¡°Let¡¯s go to trial.¡±

    I nodded my head in both agreement and disappointment¡ªthey basically still wanted me to plead guilty by pleading ¡°no contest¡±. On top of that, they demanded I take a fifty-two week domestic violence course and send money to a battered women shelter? This was my entire problem with the five year restraining order and why I appealed--they are granted to men who have actually battered women. In essence, I''m here today to justify Judicial Officer Shamm''s decision so they could basically get away with the equivalent of murder. And where was the evidence of physical violence against anyone? Where was the threat of physical violence other than in self-defense that would warrant a five year restraining order? These type of orders were reserved for those who beat women, not for the betrayed who sought a sense of closure. How could the Prosecutor of Long Beach even dare to offer that with a straight face knowing the only evidence they had was me exercising my first amendment right? There was no unconvincing me--I did not intentionally violate the restraining order. I refused to be bullied into accepting anything less than a trial at this point regardless of my financial hardship. How could the City Prosecutor of Long Beach be so adamant in putting me behind bars knowing there was no act of physical violence here? By pleading no contest, they''d be able to bring me in custody and imprison me on top of having to enroll into a year long domestic violence class? Essentially assigning me a scarlet letter as a woman beater without ever laying a finger on one? Let''s face it, having to send money to a battered women shelter on top of taking a domestic violence course would brand me as a sexual predator in the eyes of their children, Anya¡¯s family, and their social circles. Therefore leaving Jackson, the only person truly guilty of domestic violence for the emotional abuse of his wife, as a victim. Everyone would then believe Anya was the actual victim of domestic violence. That I was her tormentor and not the man who gave everything he had in supporting and loving her for two years? This stigma would forever ensure I¡¯d never be accepted by Katie and Andrew or even Anya¡¯s family¡ªwhat clearly had to be Jackson¡¯s main goal. So he could hold it against Anya that loving a man who truly cared for her was a crime against her children. Never mind all the wrong he''s done to chip her heart away! He''s the hero here! He''s the one the people in their circle will believe truly loves her! Jackson was such a master of deception that it made even Satan envious.

    Having this scarlet letter would not only stigmatize me in their eyes forever but also get me locked away for good measure. The corruption in our system was deeper than I imagined--the wronged paying the price of the wrong. I learned an awful truth on this day¡ªthis is what politicians did everyday to upkeep their reputations in the eyes of the general public. We all claim we¡¯re living in a free society, but when you finally see how limited that freedom truly is, it wakes you up to a world you never wanted to know existed. More money brought more problems, but with big government by your side, it also brought you great power. I¡¯ve lived an ¡°ignorance is bliss¡± life about the world of politics, but after seeing how many coils this snake had, my freedom will never feel the same way again. Enough evidence to prove God banished Satan to earth, not to hell.

    The simmering inside over their offer began to boil. Her putrid rotten husband trying to smear me with lies so he can skirt away the clean one. All I ever expected from Anya was to vouch for me if she truly believed in our love¡ªsomething she led me to believe she did. To just vouch for me as the decent loving human being I was. How could she deny me that regardless of her children? How could she be so unwilling to vouch for my character after allowing me to feel so much? To so easily penalize me after driving me over the edge? After all we¡¯ve been through? She had to know the situation wasn¡¯t fair to either of us, but especially to me. She used to tell me she didn''t know how I was able to carry on knowing how hard it was for her. She knew from day one of our relationship, after initially walking away from her "situation", that treating me this way was unacceptable. To pass judgment on me, in the type of relationship I trusted she would end, was beyond unjust. I trusted her to believe that by loving me, she wasn¡¯t hurting her kids¡ªif she ever loved me. That by loving me, she loved them too. Did Jackson find it right to force her to love him with threats and manipulation tactics like¨Cyou can¡¯t possibly love your kids if you don¡¯t love me! If you love him then you don¡¯t love your kids! It just seemed he was selling her this line of bullshit. How could Anya allow him to do that? As if I never existed in her life? I¡¯d totally get it if our relationship was brief, or something she never initiated and pursued, but after two years of a serious and physically intimate relationship? After allowing me to experience and feel all we did? After telling me I broke her heart when I initially walked away? How could she ignore the injustice in all of this and not be brave enough to stand on her own two feet and tell her philandering husband it¡¯s over and announce "I love Landyn"? She would actually allow him to paint me as a "beater of women", knowingly with lies, after telling me all she did about him? The reason why I trusted and gave her all I ever dreamt of for myself in this life? How could she bear such false witness?

    Over the course of my career as an auditor, I¡¯ve performed over a thousand reconciliations, but the toughest one by far was trying to reconcile Anya¡¯s love for me and who she really was. After all we¡¯ve experienced together, I struggled to accept this absolute bitch version of her. This Anya was nowhere remotely close to the one I came to know and love. Was she honestly wronged and abused by her husband or the phoniest person that ever graced God¡¯s good earth? It brought me back to the time when she told me ¡°I¡¯m happy when my kids are happy¡± after telling me ¡°I¡¯m happiest when I¡¯m with you¡±. When she told me she was happiest when she was with me¡ªI fell so deeply trusting that to be true. No one should reserve the right to change their mind that easily. I get it, you¡¯re a ¡°woman¡± and that¡¯s your prerogative but my life was on the line, emotionally and professionally, because I trusted you were loyal to your words. And that part of Anya was hard to reconcile. Of course, I wanted her to be happy when her kids were happy. I truly did and do, but she didn¡¯t share that with me the night we met or even in the beginning of our relationship¡ªshe told me something completely different. She should¡¯ve felt equally, if not more guilty, for allowing and encouraging a man to fall deeply in love with her without sharing that with him when they first met. My entire reason for being with her was based on how she couldn''t be happy when her kids were happy as long as she remained married to her emotionally abusive husband. Everything I fought for was on the basis that her husband was the man she painted him out to be when we met. If she had forgiven him for his trangressions and could ¡°live with it¡± then I had the right to know in the beginning! If him finding out about us would only compel her to abandon me instead of vouching for me, then I deserved to know that when we decided to pursue a relationship. She knew I never jumped into this and wanted to know up front what I faced yet still intentionally hid that from me? How could she not understand this is why I lost my shit? She ruins a man¡¯s life with misrepresentations then, instead of taking any responsibility after he calls her out on it, doubles down and tries to bury him even further? ¡°I love my kids!¡± she¡¯d cry and no one should ever question that, and I never would but she''s protecting them from a man she knows is all heart and soul--not the family wrecker their father is lying to make him out to be. Protect them from a shitty husband, not from someone who would walk the ends of the earth for you without a second thought¡ªhow could she be so blind to this? She just couldn¡¯t be¡ªshe had to know how wrong she was about all of this! I honestly believed any other man in my situation, who lost what I¡¯ve lost believing in her love, would¡¯ve been her greatest nightmare. What she did to me, if I fully accepted it, would never allow me to find the forgiveness within needed to see my mother again in heaven--I''d be denied at the gate. No matter how much pain was left to endure, my reconciling of Anya had to be done to make sure my removal from this hellscape was for far less than hope.

    While Mac tried to reason with the unreasonable, I fought back the strongest of urges to walk over and have it out with all of them. What Anya was allowing Jackson to do was absolutely unacceptable; I didn¡¯t care how many fucking kids they had. If what they claimed about me was true, I¡¯d take this like a man, but there was no uncertainty here--they were distorting the truth to turn me into the bad guy all because the serial philanderer couldn¡¯t keep it in his pants. Come at me with the truth, not with this made up domestic violence narrative depicting Jackson as the victim in the eyes of their circle. Taking the fall may have been an act of nobility for "The Great Gatsby", or in the days of old, but not for Landyn Lastman. This sick society of today didn''t have the right to my nobility. If Anya ever loved me, she would vouch for me to everyone, including her kids who she loved to death. I¡¯ll even make sure they know she loved them to death because I was the one who fucking suffered because of her great love for them! I could never fill the shoes of Jesus Christ¡ªit was too late for me. He was too beautiful of a soul and a demon had gotten ahold of mine because I was at my wit¡¯s end with these people and all the lies. Jackson didn¡¯t suffer, it was Landyn who was walking down the street with a cross on his back being spit on and cursed at. Now they wanted to nail me to it with lies. How dare they! My life matters too! My reputation matters too! I didn¡¯t cheat on my wife and family! You did, Jackson! Walking into their anteroom and slamming the Tiffany pouch down on the table where they sat. "Tell them the truth Anya! Tell them the fucking truth!" I wanted to yell.

    Just seconds before leaving the room to confront them, Mac returned¡ªnot bothering to sit down knowing he was going right back out there if the terms didn¡¯t change.

    ¡°They have a new offer..." He paused before speaking. "If you plead no contest to sending the emails, and if you complete the fifty-two week domestic violence course, perform eighty hours of community service and send two hundred dollars to the battered women shelter all within one year, they will dismiss all charges.¡±

    ¡°Dismiss meaning?¡± I asked for further clarification.

    ¡°Meaning its as if the charges were never brought or filed against you.¡±

    ¡°Completely stricken from the record?¡±

    ¡°Correct.¡± He confirmed with a nod. "But you will have to complete everything they are asking within one year from today''s date."

    ¡°How much will you charge for defending me in a trial?¡± I contemplated.

    ¡°A flat fee of ten thousand dollars, but I can put you on an installment plan.¡± He told me. ¡°You don¡¯t have to accept this, but I think it''s a pretty fair deal considering the mess you¡¯ve made for yourself with the emails.¡±

    ¡°Can I have a few minutes to mull it over?¡±

    ¡°Absolutely, take your time Landyn.¡± Mac replied, turning around and placing his hand on the door knob.

    ¡°I¡¯ve never laid a hand on anyone or even threatened to.¡± I reiterated. ¡°It''s hard to accept sitting in a classroom surrounded by a group of men who physically abused women as if I were one of them. No matter how angry I''ve gotten about all of this, the thought of even laying a finger on Anya never crossed my mind.¡±

    ¡°Landyn, we can fight this.¡± He reassured, putting his hand on my shoulder. ¡°We can take this to trial. It''s your call.¡±

    I nodded affirmatively before Mac exited the room, leaving me alone to mull my decision. There was no discounting the cost of a trial would really set me back financially. I wanted to start saving for a home again and the attorney fees for the trial would set me back for at least another year because of my credit card debt. I even owed Jeff two thousand dollars for the additional forty milligram Oxycontins I bought from him to deal with all the stress this caused. Knowing they had nothing on me other than being in a bad financial spot, it was still difficult to accept this deal based solely on the principle--knowing I did not intentionally violate the restraining order and that they set a trap for me; using the restraining order as a sword instead of a shield. If the City Prosecutor and Jackson couldn''t put me behind bars, convincing me to accept this deal would be a victory for them--disgracing me in the eyes of his children, labeling me as a creepy scary man who assaulted women rather than the man who loved and treated their mother better than their father ever could. And where would I serve my community service hours? On the freeway picking up garbage in a Velcro orange vest? Like an actual inmate? Again, another branding in the eyes of their children that was incontrovertibly false. And those marks were upon me before sending two hundred dollars to a battered women shelter as if I threatened to or physically assaulted their mother. And what if something happens to me and I''m unable to finish all these things within a year''s time? Where was the fairness in this deal, Mac?

    When Mac returned about ten minutes later, I needed to reason out loud. ¡°I guess giving two hundred dollars to a battered women shelter couldn¡¯t be a bad thing. It¡¯s just the principle of it¡ªI¡¯ve never laid a finger on a woman out of anger and never would.¡±

    ¡°We can take this to trial, Landyn...we could..."

    ¡°But you think this is a good deal for me?¡± cutting him off with my question.

    He nodded. ¡°I do. Although I think you¡¯d win, these second set of emails will be challenging to defend and could go against you.¡±

    ¡°Okay.¡± I told him. ¡°I¡¯ll agree to the diversion program.¡±

    Mac looked at me. ¡°Are you sure? I hate settling.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m sure.¡± I reassured him, reluctantly nodding then sighing. ¡°I want to go to trial just to not give Jackson anything he can hang his hat on but devoting time to a trial would be both costly and challenging considering I''m trying to build a business. I wouldn''t know what to tell my clients if they ever found out about this. Ten thousand dollars of more debt is only going to further bury me."

    "That''s a good way of lookin'' at it."

    "I just want everyone invloved to know I''m not accepting this program because I¡¯m guilty but because I¡¯m working from a powerless position being in a state of financial hardship. The court needs to understand by me accepting this program, I¡¯m not admitting any guilt¡ªI¡¯ve only acted out in self defense. I don''t want this to be used against me if her husband tries provoking me again. I''m fed up with his antics otherwise I have every right not to just break this order, but to shatter it.¡±

    ¡°I can tell you this right now, the husband isn¡¯t happy about this offer.¡± Mac revealed.

    ¡°How do you know?¡± I asked, extremely surprised.

    ¡°I was in the room with them, Landyn." He chuckled. "He''s super pissed off--he wanted you to go to jail."

    Knowing this foiled Jackson¡¯s plans for blood brought a smile to my face, but there were no winners here. If my financial situation was favorable, I would¡¯ve never accepted this diversion program and gladly went to trial. I absolutely did not intentionally break the restraining order by sending those emails to Debbie and believed a legitimate purpose existed for me to defend myself after feeling betrayed. Another factor for accepting the deal was my descent back into a pill addiction¡ªnow more precarious than before. This was not a cheap way to deal with my feelings of persecution and now there was an even stronger dependence on them because of their higher milligram content. If my father saw me laying around the house recovering from major withdrawals, likely far worse than before, he would have me go to rehab for months¡ªonly pushing me further into debt and losing the remaining business I had left. Not being in the best shape of mind because of this destructive new dependence also rendered me too overwhelmed emotionally to represent myself properly¡ªlikely allowing my irritability to show up in front of a jury would only work against me. Lastly, if this stopped Anya from further bearing false witness then maybe her soul had a better chance at heaven by taking the deal. Accepting this deal would also get Debbie, who I felt bad emailing at all, out from all this mess. She didn''t ask for any of this and definitely didn''t deserve it. Although she enabled Anya, I was grateful she gave her friend a shot at some happiness in life. She trusted Anya''s feelings for me as much as I did. Taking this deal though left me more depressed than ever before because I knew Jackson would hang his hat on the fifty two week domestic violence course, if not the battered women donation¡ªfurther proving how ridiculous my situation was when compared to men who fit the general public perception of domestic violence offenders. All so the true psychopath who abused women, even the one he made his wife, could keep fooling his children, to all those in Anya¡¯s family who thought she ¡°married well¡± and those in their ¡°circle¡±. A revolting revelation that this was the best course of action for me¡ªto plead no contest to false violations that would take a year, if everything went right, to dismiss. Charges that should¡¯ve been dismissed to begin with. It only went further to prove the letter Jackson sent my father was not sent out of a fear for safety but from a fear of the loss of reputation.

    After returning home and talking with my father, who couldn¡¯t believe accepting the deal was fair, I took another half of a blue pill to deal with the absurdity of the whole ordeal. Attempting to clear my head, I drove to Green Hills, the cemetery where my mother was buried, only ten minutes from my father¡¯s home. She was buried at the head of her mother, right next to an empty plot for my father. My grandmother, my father¡¯s mother, was buried at the head of my mom. My mother¡¯s father, the grandfather I never met, was buried at a cemetery in Hollywood¡ªa place I¡¯ve never been before but hoped to visit someday. Each time I visited my mother¡¯s gravesite, at least once a week, I¡¯d use a small broom to brush the grass off her headstone before sitting down next to her. Sometimes a breeze greeted me, at times nearly causing the pinwheel my father placed there to spin so fast it could''ve flown from out of the ground¡ªor maybe it was just my mom excited to see me. By now though, only her body was there¡ªher spirit likely far removed from this hellish landscape. There was no reason for her to be here with heaven in her sight. After sitting down I¡¯d recite the Lord¡¯s prayer, something I never declaimed when she was alive, before giving my troubles to God¡ªtalking to my mother through him. Desperately seeking a way to beat back this daily onslaught of anguish without losing the chance at seeing my mother again. Having to take a fifty-two week domestic violence course and having to pay a battered women shelter without laying a single finger on anyone was not right. When I''m somehow suddenly reminded of the unfairness offered to Jesus Christ, my persecution feels like a petty complaint. Certainly, I was never literally nailed to a cross but psychologically it felt that way. Carrying this turmoil within every single day and having to quell it with something that would only bring me further sufferring made the gross injustice feel ten times worse. In the past I blamed God for my troubles but my focus changed, believing there was a reason for this suffering¡ªa small part of God¡¯s plan for me. My disgust with how the system works, how it brands and penalizes the wronged people instead of the wrong people distressed me beyond divine or human consolation. How could I solve this dilemma and further His plan for me? I never pleaded or begged for fairness¡ªeternity was more valuable than a moment in time, and I didn¡¯t have to tell my mother about my problems¡ªshe knew them just like God did now. All I asked was for a better way to deal with the torment and the disenchantment with everything around me. Was there still a way to turn this story around? Or was this my destiny all along? To be a cautionary tale and not a man of virtue in the eyes of the world? Was that my legacy now here on earth?

    During my drive back home from the cemetery and while listening to an episode of the Howard Stern Show on satellite radio, a commercial came on advertising a dating website called Ashley Madison¡ªa discreet place on the internet solely for married people that had seventy million members. Although I didn¡¯t feel I fit into the ¡°seventy million" category, just like earth couldn''t be the only planet harboring life, there had to at least be a hundred thousand who have felt the way I did; who may be wondering what to do and what not to do. Was God¡¯s plan to bring me back full circle? I enjoyed auditing and accounting¡ªit¡¯s investigative nature and being able to start my own practice was fun but without someone to build it with left me uninspired. Jackson had that with Anya and it killed me knowing only her kids deserved the support she gave him. He was mostly successful in business because of the sacrifices she made and he thanked her by cheating. Becoming an auditor, likely for anyone, was a career choice by default--when my dream of becoming a five foot eight NBA basketball player fell through. Writing a story from the depths of my mind was my true passion and all the chaos I experienced by simply falling in love inconceivably created a story all its own. How many of the seventy million members were in a similiar situation and couldn¡¯t tell anyone about it? How many people suffered finding love in their lives? Considering there were two hundred billion to two trillion galaxies in the observable universe, how could I possibly be the only one who felt this way? Did I owe this story to the world? I knew most book readers were women but didn''t men also need a voice? What if the readers allowed me to see a meteor lost in the sun?

    I knew I¡¯d never date another married woman¡ªif Anya, of all people, was a dishonest coward they all were. I never blamed Anya for being scared because her situation was so complicated but she allowed and encouraged me to love her as if it wasn¡¯t, while only providing me with half the truth about her life. How she allowed Jackson to use the court system against someone she claimed to love forever was sickening regardless of her children¡ªnot once standing up to her husband to dismiss the charges against me knowing full well she betrayed me. It blew me away to think she was perfectly fine with me taking a year long domestic violence class, eighty hours of community service and sending money to a battered women shelter knowing the only man who ever abused her was the one she had two children with. More than willing to lie to her kids not just to protect them, but so she and Jackson could escape their judgment. And that¡¯s fine if I was never allowed or encouraged to feel deeply for her--why I didn¡¯t find this form of child protection to be noble. If she truly loved me, she could¡¯ve easily explained our relationship to her children. Without a doubt, she''d argue ¡°going after my own happiness would be selfish¡± but she already went after her own happiness the day she encouraged me to feel deeply for her. She should¡¯ve been equally afraid to break my heart as much as the hearts of her children after giving her all she requested of me. Her inability to make a promise after nearly two years is what destroyed us, giving me a reason to question her true intentions. If she would ever protect her husband after all she told me about him, knowing it was the reason I trusted her to leave him, and if she ever believed divorce was beneath her, then she never planned to leave and was constantly looking for excuses to stay from day one. I¡¯ll never understand marriages that survive when they are so riddled with infidelities that they destroy all trust¡ªthe foundation of every marriage. It wouldn¡¯t surprise me if Anya went on an all womens retreat at a resort and Jackson wanted to tag along for the entire trip. Most would actually call that love but only I knew what it truly was--the furthest thing from it. They could proudly wear their rings all day everyday but without trust, they will never have a real marriage in the eyes of God. For Anya to go along with all of this after all we ever shared together and all all she ever told me, made it all unreal even for the sake of her "in the dark" offspring.

    Determined to get the story out there, I worked on my novel ¡°The Passion Particle¡± each night after work, and although hating to post unedited chapters for people to read, it became therapeutic getting it outside of my head. Of course, purposely adding elements of fiction to the story to muddle its non-fiction memoir basis was needed to protect the innocent, most authors generally wrote about things they knew of. Unfortunately, I acquired more knowledge than I ever hoped to on the subject matter. When I kept a diary of my interactions with Anya during our relationship, writing a novel about our story never entered my mind. It was only done for two reasons, to help get me through the hard times and to have our story memorialized for us¡ªnever putting it out there for public consumption. Even though she used to give me titles to our story if I were to ever write it, I always believed I never had to--because we''d be together one day. It certainly would¡¯ve been more fun to write as a collaborative work. If it ended up a best seller we¡¯d share the spoils, but all Anya could see was the bad in us and never the good¡ªeven after she told me our love was "pure" and true". If she couldn''t stand up for that, there''s nothing in life she could ever stand up for. After all the abuse she endured from her husband, even after his cheating, I''ll never understand how she could be so ashamed of our relationship. I easily could''ve gotten her pregnant and made it anything but pure but not once took advantage of her vulnerability because I loved her too much. After we broke up, there were times I wish I had gotten her pregnant, but that would¡¯ve destroyed us more than anything ever could¡ªher kids losing all the respect in the world for their wonderful mother. To allow and encourage me to feel so much for her, just to allow her husband to win in the end, was impossible to reconcile. Was that fair to believe about a woman in her situation or was it just sour grapes on my part? The most relatable characters were those with flaws, and I¡¯m as imperfect as they come. After posting chapters to a free online website, there were no plans to alert a soul about the book. Readers would have to come across my novel in order to read it, but maybe those who stumbled upon ¡°The Passion Particle¡± could straighten me out? That¡¯s why our story had to be truthfully told¡ªso readers could see the things in our blind spots.

    It wasn¡¯t until two months after accepting the diversion program, before writing the two hundred dollar check to the battered women shelter and signing up to begin my domestic violence class. And a month after offering my services for four hours on twenty consecutive Saturday mornings at a park near my father¡¯s home that I learned a vital piece of information that eluded me for four years. Like love, it happened when I least expected it--on the day of a meeting with a public company client. The public emerging growth startup firm owed me five thousand dollars for my accounting services and we planned to meet at the majority shareholder¡¯s law office for me to pick up a check. The money was basically gone the minute it was received and could¡¯ve been written to Mac Simon instead of me. The CEO of the biotech startup was having its majority shareholder finance the company, an effort to hasten bringing their product--an extremely accurate "non-invasive" blood alcohol content detector, into market. The product was invented by an actual NASA scientist allowing someone''s blood alcohol content to be determined simply through the skin of a finger. Because of its accracy and non-invasive nature, its potential was huge--a plus billion dollar market in which they could be the market leader of. In addition to the bridge loans given to the startup by the majority shareholder, the CEO granted him warrants¡ªthousands of common shares he could purchase at a cheap price in addition to being paid back the full principal amount of the interest bearing bridge loans. He also had the option to convert the entire loan amount, including its interest, into more common shares at market price if any of his loans weren¡¯t paid back within a year. Up until now, the majority shareholder, Mark Stansphere, had loaned the company a half million dollars, but if the product was successful and he exercised his stock warrants, he could easily haul in thirty million dollars. With this knowledge, my negotiating position was powerful because if I stopped providing the services that enabled their quarterly reports to be filed on time with the SEC, his warrants would become worthless. What really irked me was it seemed Mr. Stansphere wasn''t appreciative of my efforts and value--as if the services I provided were owed to him. What he appeared to not understand was that I owned no shares and therefore had no stake in the Company''s success. He also didn''t understand that the embedded derivatives within these loan agreements required the most complex accounting valuation calculation there was in the profession and the company was getting a discounted rate for that service--also a hot button issue with the SEC. The time arrived for him to become cognizant of the fact my services gave him the opportunity to ride off into the stratosphere if the Company took off. After my court ordeal, it became plain to see no good deeds went unpunished. Essentially, I should¡¯ve received the same deal for warrants on discounted common shares since I loaned the company money through my unpaid services, but my current financial situation made the need for cash far greater than the desire for cheap common shares. With my need for cash greater than ever, the minute I pulled into the parking lot of the Long Beach office building, the lanky CEO, Harris Bellington, was waiting outside to greet me.

    ¡°Hey Harris!¡± I waved, after finding a place to park and upon reaching the building¡¯s glass doors.

    ¡°Hey Landyn.¡± He replied before handing me a white envelope.

    ¡°How¡¯s Mr. Stansphere doin¡¯?¡± I asked, while breaking its seal to reveal the check. ¡°He doesn¡¯t have a trial this week?¡±

    ¡°He¡¯s doing well¡­no trials this week.¡±

    Focusing my attention on the check amount I needed a second before speaking. ¡°Harris, this check is for one thousand five hundred. I thought we agreed to five thousand today?¡±

    "Mr. Stansphere told me he would pay you the remaining thirty five hundred in two weeks.¡± He informed me, my neck craning upwards to met his blue eyes shifting to the floor.

    For some reason, in Harris¡¯s mind, he felt since he wasn¡¯t getting a salary that no one else should be paid. The problem was I didn¡¯t sign on to become CEO of a startup company and even had Harris sign a contract stipulating I¡¯d be paid three thousand five hundred a month for my services. We also weren¡¯t in the same position¡ªhe was an employee and I was a third party vendor. Part of the reason I felt devalued by Stansphere was because it seemed Harris never explained my importance to him.

    ¡°Dammit Harris. This is unacceptable.¡± I told him, vigorously shaking my head unable to look at him. ¡°I needed that money today. In two weeks, I''ll be owed another thirty five hundred.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m sorry, Landyn. I know you¡¯ve worked really hard for us to get last week¡¯s Q filed on time, but we¡¯re in a tight bind right now. This is the best I can do.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m in a tight bind right now!¡± I roared, gritting my teeth before walking past him to enter the building. ¡°Stansphere¡¯s in suite five hundred twenty, right?¡±

    ¡°Yes.¡±

    ¡°This isn¡¯t right, Harris.¡± I reiterated, shaking my head again. ¡°We discussed the amount beforehand and no one mentioned another two weeks was needed.¡±

    ¡°I understand. You''re right, Landyn. Sorry.¡±

    Harris was a good man and truly enjoyed working for him but being uninsured made drafting a "Q" a monster liability risk for me. The financial statements drafted for this client went out to the entire investing public, not just to a couple of readers or a bank that relied on them. The three thousand five hundred monthly fee was a bargain for them considering the risk I took on hoping to see them be successful. If I was helping people become multi-millionaires, the least they should do is pay me on time the amount per our signed written agreement. Mark Stansphere was a successful trial attorney and had the money, but Harris also didn¡¯t want to give the greedy lawyer any more cheap shares and more power in the company, but he had no choice¡ªit wasn¡¯t my job to finance them. Unfortunately, they were my only client at this time and depended on their monthly payments to keep my business hopes afloat.

    After jumping inside the elevator on a mission, I furiously hit the lit number five button before waiting nearly a full minute before it began trekking upwards. While contemplating my approach, I noticed the initials CPG engraved on a panel of the elevator. Apparently, Mr. Stansphere was a tenant in one of Jackson¡¯s office buildings, providing another reason to distrust him. When the elevator reached the fifth floor, the automatic elevator doors slid open revealing two large glass doors with the suite number five hundred hugely displayed. Walking past it, my eyes were drawn to the large name plate placed next to its doors reading "Donald Holbert¡ªCity Prosecutor of Long Beach". With my mind subdued with a presentation to Mr. Stansphere, it suddenly hit me¡ªJackson Caiaphas¡¯s tenant was The City Prosecutor of Long Beach. After making this connection, two weeks didn''t seem far away anymore, using the stairs to quickly exit the office building much richer than anticipated.

    Jumping on my computer upon returning home, I searched for any connection between the City Prosecutor of Long Beach and Jackson Caiaphas. After combining the names Jackson Caiaphas and Donald Holbert on a Google search, an intriguing bit of information became known--the announcement of Anya and Jackson at an American Cancer Society fundraising dinner along with Donald Holbert and his wife, seated at the same table a year earlier--in line with the timeframe the charges were made against me. This only further proved there was no such thing as coincidence in this world, only God¡¯s will¡ªthat what is done in the darkness will eventually be brought to the light. Upon learning this, I quickly seized my cell phone to call Mac Simon.

    ¡°How''d you learn of this?¡± Mac asked. ¡°Did you seek it out yourself?¡±

    ¡°I stumbled upon it while meeting with a client but also did an internet search to learn more.¡± I excitedly relayed. ¡°If you go to the CPG website and then go to the office tenant building dropdown menu, it confirms that Donald Holbert, The City of Long Beach Prosecutor, is a tenant in that particular office building. It''s located just a few blocks away from the courthouse.¡±

    ¡°Landyn, I don¡¯t want you looking this stuff up on your own.¡± He scolded. ¡°Let me hire a private investigator to do that because you have a restraining order against you.¡±

    ¡°Yeah, alright¡­I just always knew this was unbelievably wrong, Mac.¡± I told him, feeling disappointed upon receiving his advisement. ¡°I really just stumbled upon this by accident. Is there a way we can appeal the conditions of the diversion program with this information?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m afraid we can¡¯t.¡± He informed me. ¡°At this point, we can only keep it for future reference¡­if they use the order as a sword instead of a shield again.¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t have the money to hire a private investigator." I replied, deflated. "Unfortunately, I can only pay you five hundred of the remaining five thousand I owe you¡ªI thought I¡¯d get paid more than I did today.¡±

    ¡°You can pay me later if you want me to hire a private investigator for you.¡± He offered, likely sensing my disappointment.

    ¡°I¡¯ll just let it go.¡± I conceded, not knowing when I''d be able to pay him back. ¡°Just can¡¯t believe people can get away with this shit.¡±

    ¡°Do me a favor and text me the website address.¡± He requested. ¡°At least we¡¯ll have a picture of the drop down menu showing the City Prosecutor of Long Beach as an actual tenant in one of his buildings.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯ll do that.¡± I told him, quickly using my phone to do so. ¡°Sent.¡±

    ¡°Got it. Thanks.¡± He confirmed. "Are you gonna be alright?"

    "I''m sorry, what was that?" I asked, distracted.

    "Are you okay?"

    "Yeah, I''m fine Mac." I told him knowing it was far from the truth.

    "Hang in there, Landyn. If you change your mind about hiring a private investigator, give me a call."

    ¡°I will. Thank you, Mac.¡± I replied before shutting off my cell phone then flinging it across the room.

    This was never a conspiracy theory¡ªnothing felt right about this from day one. What made it even worse? My ¡°soulmate¡± went along with it¡ªmorphing into the submissive ¡°do as you¡¯re told¡± woman she claimed not to be. As if her husband never cheated or did her wrong a day in his life. And without forgetting the cherry on top, she had the audacity to accuse me of harassment? If that was remotely true, then each time she told me ¡°I love you forever¡± was an act of harrassment towards me if she would ever lie about the reason for my being in her life. Money was clearly the root of all evil because if Jackson didn¡¯t have it, Anya would¡¯ve protected me instead of him. Money didn''t mean as much for her anymore, but for her kids it was still everything. And it''s perfectly fine if her husband being a good provider meant everything to her and she still allowed him to disrespect and cheat on her whenever his heart desired because of his ability to provide. The problem was she lied to me about that. If her plan was to carry on the fa?ade of her marriage for the sake of money after allowing and encouraging me to fall madly in love with her and after telling me I broke her heart when I initially walked away, then she had no right to accuse me of harassment or emotional abuse. She knew the kind of man I was the first night we met and learned even more over the nearly two years together. If anyone was a victim of harrassment, it was me each time I questioned her feelings but was called crazy for casting such aspersions. The emails Mac spread out upon the table during my day in court only proved beyond a reasonable doubt if anyone experienced emotional distress, it was me. One time Anya accused me of "playing" with her heart, but never gained my consent to pursue a relationship if she would only just continue promoting her marriage with pride to her growing circle of friends and family as if I was never a part of her life. She even scolded me for saying "hurtful" and "mean" things after allowing and encouraging me to carry enormous feelings for her while she carried no real plans to change anything about her marriage. I could not imagine, no matter what the circumstances were, encouraging and allowing someone to fall completely in love with me with no plans to be with them. Anya should be writing me letters begging for forgiveness, instead she¡¯s telling everyone within her circle that I¡¯m the monsterous one and not the sick bastard she married. Why would she allow me to take the fall for the man who wronged her? Or did she really lie to me about everything like Jackson proclaimed?

    The more this sunk in, believing the City Prosecutor of Long Beach office likely received a few lousy months of rent abatement for coming after me, the more medication was needed to deal with the frustration¡ªspurring my drive to write ¡°The Passion Particle¡±. Upon learning of Donald Holbert¡¯s role, there was zero doubt Jackson authored the letter sent to my father and clients. There was also no doubt my traffic incident was coordinated by Jackson as well. And as I continued writing the story, quelling some of the discontent within after what transpired, the effort to reconcile who Anya was accelerated¡ªwas she a demon or an angel? She could never be reconciled being a bit of both, it had to be either or. And she clearly wasn''t coming around to help me with her reckoning. There were still days I found myself sticking up for her¡ªbelieving with her back to the wall she had no choice but to go along with Jackson¡¯s demands. But there were also more days now when the belief only a god awful terrible person would do what she did to me set in. Anya Caiaphas did the exact thing Potiphar''s wife did to Joseph in the Bible¡ªlying to her husband about their relationship. I could''ve never dreamed it possible for Anya to be evil enough to let me fight for her only at the end to sick her dog on me¡ªthe same dog that bit her so many times. Social status and money appearred to be her biggest influencers and there was no problem with that. If that¡¯s who she was and what meant the most to her then she had that right. In the end, she¡¯ll have to answer to a higher power for those allegiances, not me. The problem was she led me to believe that was not who she was and having money did not drive her anymore--leading me to believe she wanted to be with me, even hoping, wishing, and dreaming of it. I could¡¯ve never fathomed, in my craziest of dreams, she¡¯d never vouch for me, or us. That her idea of protecting me was to keep me as a dirty secret¡ªas if everything we shared was impure, untrue and meaningless. If she would ever honor Jackson¡¯s disavowing of our relationship then she had no right pursuing a relationship with me. No right to ever allow and encourage me to feel a single thing for her. And she never had my consent to be a part of such a relationship without disclosing what her intentions were if her husband found out--why I felt like a rape victim. Her response was more in line with a purely lustful relationship, not one of love in which she led me to believe in. How did she think this was going to end? That I was just like her husband who only loved with his pecker instead of his heart? That I objectified her too? Let¡¯s see how great their marriage was if she gained thirty pounds. Let¡¯s see how long those rings would stay on their fingers if Jackson struggled financially. For the first time I began considering what Anya possibly told Jackson about me, giving him the ammunition to bamboozle the City Prosecutor of Long Beach into coming after me with avengeance. I had to be brutally honest with myself¡ªwhen putting myself in the same position, even if I had kids in tow, there was no way I could ever betray someone I referred to as a soulmate the way Anya seemed to betray me. You just could never allow anyone to develop deep feelings for you, in her situation, to only cry "my kids" or "my family" after that person felt betrayed by you never knowing if you could deliver even a promise to be with them. Anya knew the reason why I was so upset yet she chose to continue living her dishonest way of life after trusting in her love, leading to this isolation and self destruction.

    Now further driven by Jackson¡¯s political propaganda to crucify me, my nights were devoted to writing ¡°The Passion Particle¡±¡ªthe key to my salvation. Aided by drugs because of the cosmic challenge to relive the story, any nights spent not writing were equally burdensome and looked upon as wasted days. After learning of the City Prosecutor of Long Beach''s involvement, a fire raged to finish the story before my restraining order expired in order to unleash its velocity of truth upon those who tried to destroy me without fear of another violation. When I got to the relationship part of the novel, my pill dosage increased just to be strong enough to revisit it again. It was bad enough feeling like the greatest fool on earth but for them to seek my elimination through lies gave me the right to speak my truth loudly. All those who knew me only through them needed to know me through me. Although it was my story, if the book were ever published, Anya had a huge part in it and should be rewarded monetarily, but I''d bump heads with any interested publisher on what parts of the story should remain and what parts should be removed. Refusing to eliminate even the slightest detail draped in truth, I¡¯d undoubtedly have to self-publish. Although lightly cloaked in fiction, the entire story needed to be available for me to receive a fair assessment from the readers. Even if it exposed me as the greatest fool in the annals of relationship history, I desperately needed it all out there to have any chance of reconciling who Anya really was.

    My father teased me about the length of the book when I told him after hitting page one thousand¡ªI had to laugh too. It was never intended to be lengthy but the story had so many layers. Seeing it out in front of me and outside my head was nothing less than therapeutic, even allowing me to see things I wish I could at the time for Anya''s sake--I was definitely not perfect. Reflecting on the best times of my life, my relationship with Anya when things were good, was the hardest thing I¡¯ve ever done. Especially knowing she was out and about enjoying life while I lived mine inside my own head, fighting for peace within. Writing about the painful parts of the story led me to double my daily blue pill allowance, rapidly depleting my supply. Unable to afford any more of the mysterious thirty milligram blue pills, I reluctantly reached for the forty milligram oxycontin pills¡ªsaving them for last, fearing they''d provide less of a high.

    Reaching for the forty milligram Oxy, I first noticed no cut line on the pill. The thirty miligram blues had a cut line in their middle, but without a cut line, there existed a risk of poisoning if it were broken in half then ingested. At this point though, after accepting the horrible diversion program before learning about the City of Long Beach Prosecutor¡¯s involvement, death seemed to provide a merciful pathway. If what Anya and Jackson relayed to the City Prosecutor was entirely true, and not purposely kept from Don Holbert, I would¡¯ve accepted this fate. Anya¡¯s lies about our love stole the temerity to love someone else from me¡ªrefusing to ever allow myself to fall again. I understood she was trying to protect her kids, but after a two year relationship like ours, it was just flat out wrong. If lying to destroy my life was ever in the cards, all because of the desperate need to feel secure with a promise from her that we both deserved, and that being with me would just be looked upon as hurting her children, she had no right to allow or encourage me to feel a single thing for her. If she couldn¡¯t help falling deeply in love with me, then she should''ve also been unable to help being dishonest with her kids. In her defense, the divorce process is a harrowing experience and the stigma she faced from those around her, knowing Jackson would be hell bent on making her look like the monster, drove her to this end. Maybe she not only didn¡¯t want that for herself but also for me? Although I lost my cool at times and went scorched earth on her, there coexisted this monster piece within that wanted to understand what she faced. For nearly two years we only spoke of love though, and refusing to get her pregnant to avoid her looking bad in the eyes of her children prevailed as evidence against lust. When she couldn''t see the good in us after being told she did, it made me question her love; even feeling betrayed enough to take a torch to the heaven we created. She needed to be willing to face everyone and everything, the same way I was willing to fight and lose for her, if she truly loved and respected me. Or, at the very least, explain the reason why she could never promise to be with me even when the kids moved away. By not doing so, she discounted all the sacrifices I ever made for her happiness, and all the future happiness I''d ever feel again by loving someone. Some things in life, you just know, and when I called her my soulmate, I knew--leading me to believe she at least knew that much too. If she ever believed her hands were tied behind her back after pursuing a serious relationship with me, then she should''ve never taken all I was willing to give and gave her. This is why I despised Jackson and blamed him for mostly everything--if he had just done his job as a husband, she never would''ve felt empty enough to take a single act of affection from me. If anyone should be prosecuted, he should be for his major failings as a husband by putting her in the position to needlessly hurt a good man.

    It didn¡¯t take more than five minutes for the Oxycontin to hit me like a freight train in the middle of the night, sending me into a euphoric high with no rival. The feeling kept me floating, higher and higher without cease into space without astronaut gear. With oxygen fleeting, my mind raced, leaving me gasping for air as if I were being buried alive. Placing my hand upon my chest, from panic or not, my heart was beating so rapidly I feared it breaking away from its connective tissues. Forcefully blowing air from my mouth, I began pacing my bedroom, my mother''s old room, telling myself to remain calm while a building sense of impending doom threatened to paralyze me. My father, lounging in his recliner with zero knowledge of my expiring on the other side of the wall, entered my fading stream of consciousness¡ªimagining him struggling to work out in his head why he found his son dead from an overdose in his own home after giving him a new lease on life. Retreating to the couch downstairs, in the same den I used to study in by the fireplace, I fell face down upon it then frantically turned on the large black metal fan perched on the coffee table. As the hot air blasted my face, the internal paramedic within instructed to keep my eyes open and do whatever I could to keep breathing. Desperately forcing air from my mouth and going in and out of consciousness best described the next few minutes. Unable to stop the overpowering narcotic, my eyes weakly closed against their will. When they reopened, a woman in a short black dress with long dark hair was sitting on the coffee table staring at me with deep concern. With both hands placed firmly upon the glass top table, she crossed her legs and anxiously swayed the top one back and forth. She was demure with a strikingly beautiful face, staring back at me with the saddest dark eyes with such intensity it seemed she knew me longer than I knew myself. Strangely she didn¡¯t startle me at all, but brought absolute comfort¡ªas if she had always been there watching me. I wanted to touch her but was powerless to move, suspended in a dream state. I then peacefully succumbed before opening my eyes and breathing normally again, back to the reality of a black air generator speaking loudly upon my face.

 CHAPTER 42 ~ A DEDICATION TO REDEMPTION

    ¡°Chasin¡¯ a dream as I go higher

    Playin¡¯ it mean, my heart¡¯s on fire.

    Livin¡¯ my life, ain¡¯t no pretender.

    Ready to fight with no surrender.¡±

    ~ ¡°No Surrender¡± Judas Priest

    ¡°How could you do this to me?¡± I asked, desperately holding in my anger. ¡°How could you do this to us?¡±

    ¡°You did this to us!¡± Shot Anya. ¡°You destroyed us!¡±

    ¡°You let him destroy us!¡± I countered ferociously. ¡°You let him steal away our hopes, wishes and dreams without reining him in! You knew what we stood for!¡±

    ¡°What is a mother to do?¡± She cried. ¡°My family!¡±

    ¡°You did what a mother should do? What was that? Destroy me so you can think you¡¯re pulling the wool over the eyes of your kids? They¡¯ve always known something was wrong.¡± I confidently repied. ¡°That¡¯s why Andrew was afraid you¡¯d leave. That¡¯s why Katie blamed herself. They¡¯ve felt it and it had nothing to do with us! You let Jackson let you believe it did!¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re always the victim, Landyn!¡±

    ¡°So if you¡¯re with me, you don¡¯t love your kids?¡± I jabbed. ¡°Help me understand that logic. How am I a danger to your children? After sharing their daily lives with me? After proving to you they weren¡¯t baggage to me unlike they were to Lance? From all people, how could you protect them from someone you¡¯re in love with? Help me to understand that¡ªcause I never will.¡±

    After Anya¡¯s eyes darted back and forth, in anxiety from my emotional onslaught, she then bowed her head. At that very moment I knew what was coming; she was about to use her greatest weapon against me.

    ¡°I¡¯d understand this a lot better if you just told people the truth about me, about us.¡± I told her. ¡°For you to accept everything I ever did and gave then not vouching for who I am to everyone around you just wasn¡¯t right. When do you start holding Jackson accountable for our relationship? I mean really hold him accountable and not allowing him to think this makes it even between you two? It doesn¡¯t! He wasn¡¯t in love with someone, but you were! It''s not even close to being even!¡±

    ¡°My kids¡­¡± She trailed off, tears flooding her eyes just like the time she confessed to still sleeping with her husband.

    ¡°I deserved to know the truth why you were still there the night we reconnected.¡± I explained, hoping she¡¯d understand my position. ¡°I¡¯m certain you always had the same concern for your kids even on the night we met¡ªwhy Lance left you. I deserved to know you thought of yourself as being above the general public who divorced so I could protect my heart. Even so I could better understand your position. You never gave me the chance to understand because you hid the real reasons you were still there from me! Loving someone by letting them go is something you do before they fall¡ªnot letting them go after letting them feel all the love in the world for you.¡±

    Anya turned her head to look behind her and wiped at her eyes before issuing a stern warning. ¡°You need to leave. He¡¯s going to be home any minute.¡±

    ¡°Who?¡± I asked, placing my right hand softly on her left shoulder before looking behind her.

    ¡°My husband.¡± She told me. ¡°I¡¯m married!¡±

    ¡°Fuck. Him.¡± I told her, pulling away. ¡°Married? Now you care about your marriage after stealing my life from me? After telling me it was only a "situation"? After telling me there is no marriage? Who are you?"

    ¡°Please go, Landyn.¡± She pleaded. ¡°I don¡¯t want anything to happen to you.¡±

    I shook my head then replied. ¡°It already did.¡±

    ¡°I know people! You need to leave!¡± She yelled. ¡°They are out for blood. I¡¯m shaking.¡±

    ¡°Who? Donald Holbert? The City Prosecutor of Long Beach?¡± I told her. ¡°You don¡¯t think I know your husband sold him on a false narrative to get his office to come after me for nothing? After all that man has put you through emotionally, how could you let him get away with that?¡±

    ¡°You have to let me go.¡± She pushed back, shaking her head in disbelief. ¡°I don¡¯t understand why you wouldn¡¯t find someone else.¡±

    Upon hearing those words, I reached into my pocket to reveal the turquoise Tiffany pouch.

    ¡°I¡¯m not letting go...until I¡¯m ready to.¡± I told her, exposing the shining necklace from its pouch then extending it out to her. ¡°I had no right asking you to send this back. This has always been yours.¡±

    Before laying it upon her open palms, a vulgar slamming of a door shattered the moment.

    ¡°Does he want to join us for dinner?¡± barked Jackson suddenly appearing from behind Anya. ¡°Have him join us.¡±

    Anya bowed her head before raising it, her face now belonging to another, but to the woman clad in black who appeared the night I nearly lost my life before remarking.

    "Turn the page."

    Thrusted back to reality with open eyes and a racing heartbeat, my encounter had all unbelievably been just a dream. After revisiting the most horrific moment of my life, it wrecked me emotionally; unable to shake her haunting words--my day undoubtedly ruined because it felt so real. Since my near death experience from hypoxia, the woman gracing the edge of the coffee table remained an unsolved enigma¡ªthere¡¯s no way my mind could¡¯ve dreamt her up. I used to tell Anya she was better than the woman of my dreams and will always be, but this woman stuck out in a different way¡ªshe had to be real. Who was she? Why did she suddenly appear? A woman I can''t recall ever knowing but feeling so connected to? Is it because I¡¯ve learned to trust God?

    Since my near demise, kicking my addiction to opiates became an urgent matter, but being able to stomach a single minute in a domestic violence class I didn¡¯t belong in was an impossibility without them. Taking a forty milligram pill, after taking no more than a fifteen milligram pill dose at a time, brought on the hypoxia. Now fully aware, taking a marked increase in a higher dosage pill never plagued me again. My higher tolerance making a forty milligram Oxy dosage a one time issue. Unfortunately, accepting the diversion program before learning about the City Prosecutor''s involvement never allowed me to consider not taking on the additional risk--needing a pill again to get through the heavy negative emotions.

    The Neighborhood Family Center where the domestic violence class took place was in a sketchy area, replete with homeless meth heads carelessly roaming the streets. Describing them as such didn¡¯t mean precluding myself from judgment¡ªI was just as dependent on a drug to tolerate life as they were. The difference came with their indifference to theft and its consequences. Fearful of my Mercedes being broken into, I parked in a nicer neighborhood a few blocks down then walked to the Center. The men in my class were typical¡ªyoung and poorly educated minorities with learning difficulties who never had a shot in life. Yet, there I was among them, a two time college graduate and CPA¡ªexactly what Jackson hoped for if he couldn¡¯t get me thrown into prison. The first two weeks were spent stewing in class, high on Oxycontin, showing intense interest in their stories to avoid engaging with the group. There was no surprise learning they mostly came from broken homes. The teacher, an older white haired balding gentleman appearing to be in his late fifties named Mike, was a recovered alcoholic. He did an artful job navigating through the subject matter while relating to the group¡ªespecially when dealing with a few who were definite loose cannons with short attention spans ¡°catching¡± additional cases even while going through the program. It led me to wonder if I¡¯ve experienced the same neglect in life, would I have turned out any different? I¡¯d like to think so, but without anything to believe in, like God, the path easily could¡¯ve been the same for me. Passing judgment on them wasn¡¯t what I did¡ªI just clearly did not belong here. When it came time to introduce myself to the group on my first of fifty-two three hour nights, the only one dressed in slacks and a long-sleeved work shirt was also the only one who had no story of physical violence to share. After telling them a short version of how I ended up among them, nearly everyone had something to say.

    ¡°You didn¡¯t yell or hit yo bitch, man?¡± asked one of the class members, Carlos, who sported dark rimmed glasses, full neck and arm tattoos.

    ¡°Not at all.¡± I replied shaking my head.

    ¡°Oh, come on, Dawg! You lyin''!¡± Yelled out another, Danny, having long dark braided hair in a pony tail to match his lengthy pale face.

    ¡°No lie. I only communicated with her through text messaging and email.¡± I told them feeling like no one believed me.

    ¡°Did you type in all caps or somethin''? What da fuck?¡± Laughed another, Marshawn, a thick older black man with a receeding hairline.

    ¡°I didn¡¯t even do that.¡± I smiled before folding my arms across my chest and shaking my head at such a great point. ¡°The husband even tried to put me in prison for this. If I was broke, I could easily be sittin¡¯ in a prison cell and not sittin'' here with you guys right now.¡±

    Marshawn shook his head then howled again before speaking. ¡°This is too damn crazy! This can¡¯t be true.¡±

    ¡°I could¡¯ve never imagined just trusting in someone''s pain could lead to this.¡± I stated before refusing to talk anymore--the destruction of my life wasn''t comedy relief to me.

    ¡°Yo! You¡¯re "Captain Save-a-Ho"!¡± Danny yelled out, the entire class now roaring in laughter and jeering.

    ¡°Okay, calm down.¡± Directed Mike. ¡°There are classes goin¡¯ on next door.¡±

    ¡°Do you believe this, Mike? Dude never struck a bitch, never cursed her out and he¡¯s in this fucking class?¡± Carlos laughed. ¡°Shit, man this dude is full of IT!¡±

    ¡°We¡¯ll get him to fess up in the next fifty weeks.¡± Mike prodded. ¡°They always do.¡±

    I looked around the room and decided to save my breath--they didn''t believe me anyway.

    ¡°Captain Save-a-Ho.¡± Snickered another bringing forth more laughter from the group, someone not even worth turning my head around to see.

    As they all laughed, including the instructor, only the drug stopped me from name dropping Donald Holbert for his role in my attendance. What irritated me more than anything, even more than being subjected to this ridicule by just being here, was they referred to the love of my absolute life as a ¡°Ho¡±. As if my relationship with Anya was just like any of theirs, lacking any semblance of beauty and ending up in physical assault. They referred to me as ¡°Captain Save-A-Ho¡± for weeks and it was extremely difficult to not take it personally after all the sacrifices I made and all I''ve lost. Was this the perception others had of my relationship? That it was a big nothing? Something to be mocked and laughed at? It burned me deeply to know the details so intimately, nearly losing my life from just falling in love, for my relationship to be viewed so negatively. Over time, as we gradually began interacting and learning more about our situations, I realized they were only trying to connect with me, a guy who seemingly had it together yet struggled too, allowing them feel a little more normal. For the first twenty weeks of the course, I rarely talked, choosing instead to listen to their weekly struggles for three hours a night, offering insight or advice when appropriate. As wrong as the State of California got it with me, my tax dollars were very well spent here¡ªthis government program really helped people who needed it.

    Each night, Mike would ask someone in the group how life was treating them. Talking to someone about their problems, uninterrupted for a half hour to get heavy things off their chest, had to be therapeutic¡ªlike writing my novel was for me. Whenever Mike asked how I was doing, exhausted from the drive in just to make it on time to a class I didn''t belong in, I kept it short--fearful my disgust with everything would shine through. After poking fun at my professional attire in a room full of backward baseball caps and shorts wearing students, he got me to open up about my business. When informing the group I was a CPA and about my work for the public start-up company, it sparked a conversation.

    "What''s the goal here? " Mike asked. "Why are you still working for them if they''re not paying you?"

    "Being a public start-up, I''m looking at the big picture here." I told him. "If I can help this company get off the ground, I believe my business is gonna take off."

    "I don''t know why you''d start your own business when you''re not getting paid." Carlos stated, shaking his head.

    "They''re paying me, just not all that they owe me." I explained. "Having my own business was the best choice for me. Being a CPA in private practice is unrewarding--they work you to death. If I''m going to work that hard then I''m going to do it for myself. And let me tell you this, it''s hard to get ahead in life these days working an eight to five job. The best way to get ahead, I''m learning, is by working for yourself and investing in the stock market."

    "Or buying real estate." Mike added.

    I nodded. "Agreed, builidng equity is the cheat code to wealth. I was in the process of buying a home five years ago before everything blew up in my face."

    After the group asked me about my stock investments and telling them about a few of them, we engaged in a conversation about the stock market that took up the entirety of the remaining class time that evening. At the six month point of my program, Mike even got me to open up about my anger with God and how my mother¡¯s death brought me to believe in His existence.

    ¡°He¡¯s the game changer.¡± I told the group.

    Mike nodded. ¡°He is.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m a monster work in process.¡± I exclaimed. ¡°But the worst things in life happened to me when I didn¡¯t believe in Him. Life¡¯s been pretty fair ever since.¡±

    ¡°Even after all the shit you¡¯ve gone through, Captain?¡± joked Danny.

    I smiled before speaking. ¡°God has blessed me more than I deserved to be¡ªthat¡¯s the way I see things now. It doesn¡¯t mean I¡¯m not upset about how things turned out; it just means I know God loves me. And I¡¯m not special; God loves all of us.¡±

    No one in class knew of my struggle with opiate addiction. They also never knew how the Long Beach City Prosecutor being spoonfed misinformation by Jackson was the real reason why I sat among them. You could see the absence of God in their lives, like my own life before my mother¡¯s passing. But even my belief in God couldn¡¯t extinguish the fire that scorched within after Jackson pushed this to an entirely different level by whining to the City Prosecutor¡¯s office¡ªthe local police department likely laughing him out of the room when he tried to file police reports for emails to a friend and especially a notice of appeal being sent to his home. Then when the opportunity arose at a fundraising event, Jackson took his complaints to a higher source on the political spectrum; misleading and crying to someone who knew of him, but didn¡¯t know him. By going to Donald Holbert, the City Prosecutor of Long Beach, on top of sending a letter to my father¡¯s home and to my clients after cyberstalking them to obtain their contact information, his ego took things too far. While in the diversion program, I plotted the resuscitation of my character he tried to assassinate. He fired several shots, misfiring on each one, and now the score would be settled when the restraining order expired. And he knew it¡ªwhy he tried to provoke me into breaking it. If my desire for the truth to be known was great before accepting the diversion program I didn¡¯t belong in, it was a burning lava lake of fire now.

    Then there were the Saturday mornings, fighting to maintain my balance on a grassy sloped rattlesnake infested hill, a reach grabber tool in one hand and a trash bag in the other. Purposely starting my community service shift at seven in the morning to avoid running into anyone I may know at the park. My father suggested I perform my hours at the park he worked at, Peckham Park, but instead opted for a larger park on a hill overlooking the entire harbor area, Kinship Park. The park''s recreational grounds had a gymnasium, four baseball fields, two large picnic areas and many trails. Cleaning up the picnic areas was the worst part of the service. Undoubtedly the ones who threw these birthday bashes were struggling financially and doing the best they could to give their children a fun day to remember, but they also proved why their lives were messy¡ªleaving behind streamers, busted balloons, ripped candy wrappers, paper plates and large plastic cups the wind carried up and down the reedy hillsides. The people that did clean up after themselves, let leftover cake and ice cream dripping down the sides of the steel trash cans. The park Director, who signed off on my community service, assigned me certain areas needing attention each Saturday. When my four hour shift was over, I¡¯d just let him know. He was always very appreciative of my efforts¡ªapparently no one in my position usually put forth any. If anyone had a reason not to put in an effort, it was me, but not working hard would only make the time go slower--the total disregard by some to keeping the park clean ticking me off to the point it wasn¡¯t right for me not to care. Didn''t they realize their trash could get into the sewer system then travel to the nearby ocean threatening its sea life? I never did any type of charitable work and always wanted to so I decided to make the best of it. For once, giving myself a sense of purpose. The morning Oxycontin also didn¡¯t hurt to make it more tolerable.

    Upon my arrival one early Saturday morning, a colossal birthday party mess its throwers refused to clean, awaited me. Dismayed, I sat down on top of the nearest picnic table and shook my head before gazing out over the hill top and across the pink sky dawn. After shifting my eyes to the quiet cities beneath me, I thought to myself somewhere Anya and Jackson were down there enjoying the morning. It was one of the most sobering moments of my life--truly seeing where their lies have taken me and may have also taken others. How it seemed they were perfectly fine uprooting lives other than their own then just going about their day facing zero consequences for their behavior like spoiled children--no better than the park''s inconsiderate birthday party bashers. Remembering how on one of these same beautiful peaceful Saturday mornings, that same woman initiated a meeting at my apartment so we could steal a moment of happiness together. It made me angry to think that maybe, an irreconcilable piece of Anya, just wanted some privacy with a man, any man. Revisiting this price I paid just to feel loved and for trusting in someone¡¯s need for it, then brought the steel marine green bridge connecting the cities below into the sharpest focus. At this very moment, my mind was made up¡ªnothing will stop me from reclaiming my honor. I will be redeemed and reconcile Anya after all the shenanigans Jackson pulled. How that would ultimately be achieved? I had no idea, but my resolve was never greater.

    On the fortieth week of my fifty-two week domestic violence sentence, Mike gave a presentation to the group on healthy habits--a subject matter there was no alienating myself from. Although no longer abusing opiates, taking them the same way anyone in chronic physical pain was prescribed to, the need still existed. Taking these pills for mental pain was not ideal, but dealing with the stress and pressure of getting through the diversion program made not taking them an impossibility. When the Program Director, Mike, explained certain signs of an unhealthy person, most memorably that a heavy stool resting at the bottom of the bowl could possibly be a serious health issue, I finally gleaned some benefit from the class. Honestly, who ever pays attention to that?

    ¡°So, if my shit don''t float..." remarked Danny before pausing. "No bueno?"

    Mike nodded and reiterated the point. ¡°That¡¯s right.¡±

    "Shit.¡± He replied, shaking his head then laying back in his chair before folding his arms across his chest. "I''m a dead man walkin'' then."

    "Yo, you look at your turds, Dawg?" Inquired Marshawn.

    "Shitz yeah!" Danny exclaimed, propping himself back up. "Some of doz'' shits I''m more proud of than my damn kid!"

    "You crazy, man." replied Marshawn, removing his cap briefly before putting it back on.. "Just flush the damn toilet and get the fuck outta there, will ya?"

    "Fuck that. I''m proud of some of doz'' mutha fuckas." Danny cracked.

    Marshawn shook his head before speaking. "Dude better get himself checked out. Right, Mike?"

    ¡°Well, it''s something to be aware of.¡± Mike diplomatically answered before putting a DVD into the disc player and turning on the tube television set. ¡°Yeah, I''d say it wouldn''t be a bad idea to get himself checked out."

    "Dude, you need to start fillin'' out some organ donor cards." added Carlos prompting laughter from the group. "I''m serious. Or lay off the damn meth...or somethin''."

    "Man, fuck you all." replied Danny, dismissing the advice.

    After laughing from the group exchange about anchor like stools, I prayed the forty milligram OxyContin would last long enough to get me through the upcoming two hour video on healthy habits. I was completely exhausted from the long work day and stressful drive in heavy traffic from the Newport Beach office to make it to class on time. It was a fifty minute drive to the Neighborhood Family Center and If I was late to class, it would be a direct violation of the diversion program agreement. Working ten hour days to make up for the lost time only added to my fatigue--notwithstanding having to keep from my client the true reason for my one day a week early departure. A part of Jackson likely banked on me lacking the stamina at forty-five years of age, or the time, to finish this program. Hell, he probably hoped I''d blow it off altogether if he thought I believed the restraining order was fraudulent and had no respect for it. To be honest, without the pills there was no way I¡¯d be able to get through the program--they held the key to my resiliency; my survival.

    When Mike started to delve into different forms of domestic abuse, it burned me to learn Jackson should be seated here instead of me. Yet, here I was taking his fall. It especially boiled me over when I felt so fatigued, stressed out and overworked. I thought maybe Anya would feel guilt ridden enough by this that I''d find her waiting outside to talk to me one of these nights when class ended, but she never made an appearance. Not that I could blame her, the area was bad, but the possibility she could feel this was actually justifiable, only added more fuel to my fire. She went to two men, told them about her husband¡¯s disrespect and cheating ways, serious enough offenses to initiate a serious relationship with one for two entire years, yet she still played this card? That the kids knowing their father treated their mother inequitably was deserving of this? That them knowing a man loved their mother more than their father ever could would destroy their lives? How could I suddenly become unworthy of her love because I wanted her to believe in our love? That it was both ¡°good¡± and ¡°pure¡± just like she claimed? It was unfathomable she could be this twisted, but was I ready to accept this is who she truly was? Why was I still convinced this couldn¡¯t be the woman I loved more than life itself? Was she really the kind of person who would be perfectly fine having Donald Holbert destroy the life of a person she absolutely misled? Would I have to settle the score with her too? My proclaimed soulmate? There''s no way I could''ve been duped this badly.

    Without ¡°The Passion Particle¡±, my ascent to the bridge would¡¯ve come much earlier¡ªthe only way I could dare attempt reconciling all these dynamic thoughts within me. With the pressures of my financial burden, living with my father hindering my sense of freedom, fighting an addiction to pain medication, and coping with deep irreconcilable wounds, this life just no longer seemed worth living. Constantly living inside my own head while trying to ignore the beat of my heart, made it impossible to stymie the mounting frustration. My friends were married with kids of their own to worry about. My father was still mourning my mother four years after her death. Yet here I was, finding my raison d''etre through a novel to deal with it all¡ªthe pills doing very little anymore to quell my disgust with the human experience. By the fiftieth week of my domestic violence course, after getting signed off on and fulfilling my community service requirement, life began feeling more manageable.

    ¡°We haven¡¯t heard from you in a few weeks, Landyn.¡± Mike stated, swiveling his chair around to face me.

    ¡°Yeah man, you never talk to us.¡± Remarked Carlos, nudging me in the shoulder.

    ¡°I wish I had something to talk about.¡± I told them, smiling. ¡°My life''s boring compared to you guys. I¡¯m not one for attention anyway.¡±

    ¡°The Captain must be back with his ho!¡± Another piped in, firing up the group.

    Shaking my head, smirking. ¡°That¡¯s not happening.¡±

    ¡°He¡¯s not like one of you guys.¡± Mike countered. ¡°Looking for ways to break his restraining order.¡±

    ¡°My girl lets me fuckin'' break it!¡± Announced Danny loudly.

    ¡°She¡¯s gonna get you in a lot of trouble.¡± Mike warned. ¡°You don¡¯t want to catch another case. Or do you?¡±

    ¡°Catch me if you can then.¡± Danny retorted, leaning back in his chair. "Catch me if you fuckin'' can."

    ¡°You can play catch me if you can.¡± Mike replied with a hint of sarcasm, nodding. ¡°It¡¯s just better not to put yourself at risk like that.¡±

    ¡°Yeah, well she ain¡¯t keepin'' me from my fuckin'' kid.¡± Retorted Danny, who slapped hands with some of the group members. "The bitch can take that to the bank! Shit, I''m the one paying her child support and she has perfect nails. Fuckin'' joke."

    ¡°She yo baby¡¯s momma?¡± Inquired Marshawn. ¡°Damn, didn¡¯t know that.¡±

    ¡°Yeah¡­she won''t call the fuckin'' cops on me. Bitch knows better than that.¡±

    ¡°Don¡¯t give her the power.¡± Mike scolded. ¡°You won''t even get to see your kid for a year. It''s not worth it.¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s fuckin'' tough, Mike. I miss my boy.¡±

    ¡°So, how are you Landyn?¡± Mike asked, turning his attention away from Danny, ending the hope I dodged having to address the group.

    ¡°Well, if you need to know Mike.¡± I told him not knowing what else to tell him. ¡°My turds are floating.¡±

    Mike burst out into laughter along with the group. Coming from me, the response was surely unexpected. Hell, I didn''t even see it coming. At two weeks away from my final session, and although I''d never see any of them again, it seemed I had earned their respect. After the laughter died down, Mike had a question for me.

    ¡°You told us the first time you addressed the group you didn¡¯t think you belonged here. Do you still feel that way?¡±

    ¡°If you¡¯re asking if I think I¡¯m better than anyone else in this class, the answer is no. I didn¡¯t mean it that way.¡± I explained, looking apologetically at the group,

    ¡°The reason I mention it is after fifty weeks, we can¡¯t believe you¡¯re even in here.¡± Mike revealed to my surprise. ¡°Did you want to come clean now?¡±

    ¡°You never hit a bitch?¡± asked Danny.

    ¡°I never even threatened to hit my girlfriend.¡± I stated. ¡°I never would.¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t know how you restrained yourself.¡± shot Carlos.

    ¡°It¡¯s just not like that for me.¡± I told them shaking my head. ¡°What''s there to prove by hitting a woman? We¡¯re physically stronger by nature. There''s just nothing to gain. They trust us never to do something like that. Nothing in this world will piss your girl off more than walking away¡ªthat¡¯s where the true power lies. You guys have it, it just doesn''t feel like it when you''re both hurting inside and are holding onto a lot of pride."

    I paused, hoping someone would take it from there to let me escape but they were too busy listening, leaving me no choice but to continue.

    "I hurt my ex-girlfriend with strong words and opinions instead of an open hand. To be honest I¡¯m not sure if that makes me any better. The minute you start losing control of your emotions, you¡¯ve lost. Yes, people lied to put me here and that''s the real reason why I''m here. But I let my emotions get the best of me¡ªletting the liars win. Once you¡¯ve mastered your emotions, you¡¯ve mastered your life. Opening my heart to God is helping me with that.¡±

    ¡°Do you think you¡¯ve mastered your emotions?¡± Asked Mike.

    I smiled then shook my head. ¡°I wish I could say that, but I¡¯m a work in progress. Although I don¡¯t believe I belong here, it doesn¡¯t mean I can¡¯t make the best of this situation by using it to better understand who I am and to become a better person. I certainly never belonged here and I¡¯ve been greatly wronged by sick, selfish and misinformed powerful people, but it doesn¡¯t mean I¡¯m not at fault for being here. I could¡¯ve handled things better but was just trying to make it to the next day¡ªlike we all are.¡±

    My words didn¡¯t mean my emotional intelligence reached one hundred percent capacity; it only meant neglecting God¡¯s existence created a bad ending to the story. Anya told me if she fell in love with me (if I swept her off her feet), she would end her marriage to be with me. I fully trusted when agreeing to pursue a realtionship with her that if she loved me, she knew a promise had to follow¡ªespecially after allowing and encouraging me to feel all the love in the world for her on such a grand scale. She had to know that, no matter the circumstances and if she didn¡¯t, then she always believed divorce was beneath her and misrepresented herself to me from day one¡ªwhat made my reaction to such a betrayal impossible to rein in. The way she ended things made me feel less than dirt after leading me to believe the opposite for two years. She even told me she hoped I didn''t pursue a relationsip with her out of pity--this coming from the same woman who told me "you broke my heart" when we reconnected five months after leaving her at the bar because feeling so much so soon scared me. She will claim it was all my fault, but I always stayed consistent with my feelings¡ªshe always knew what I wanted and needed. The day I started holding her accountable for her words and actions was the day she changed¡ªknowing she was about to be found out. That her love for me had conditions, all on her terms¡ªthat she had no idea love should always be on shared terms, not just on the terms of one person. And I would¡¯ve done anything for her to leave Jackson, even accepting unshared terms until she was ready, but Anya was greatly influenced by the power of others and money--hiding that fact from me even after asking about it. She always cared more about what others thought of her far too much to ever truly love me enough to leave her convenient material marriage¡ªwhy she never left a philanderer who objectifies her. If that was her modus operandi, no problem, just stay the fuck away from me¡ªI wasn''t like a dress you buy online only to return but the real deal. Having the City Prosecutor of Long Beach come after me was far beyond my emotional intelligence threshold, especially after the strings pulled in court to get a restraining order reserved for terrorists. Although I blamed Jackson, there was the real possibility she egged him on with half truths about me. Just another part of her requiring reconciliation before putting out the flames of my life.

    After wrapping up the domestic violence course and receiving the appropriate sign offs within a year¡¯s time, the diversion program was completed, earning a dismissal of all charges. Although still feeling greatly wronged by it all, a great satisfaction roosted within knowing Jackson hoped I¡¯d come up short--believing I was too mentally wrecked to even finish the program. Jackson and Anya were notified and provided with the details of my progress every three months. It felt good imagining Jackson''s anger upon receiving the news each quarter, especially after receiving the news all charges have been dismissed. How he banked on my disdain for a five year restraining order reserved for those who physically assaulted others¡ªas proven by those enrolled in the fifty-week domestic violence class. All the proof to know Teri Shamm, who was never elected as Judicial Officer but appointed, was certainly in on it too--based upon misinformation provided by those who put her in that chair of judgment.

    About a week after all the pseudo charges were dismissed, while online reading my emails, Jackson Caiaphas unexpectedly appeared as a possible business connection through Linked-In. I created a free account on the business networking site a few years ago but rarely signed into it, not even to update my profile--making only one real networking connection with everyone else appearing to be annoying recruiters or those trying to sell me something. Without regularly visiting the site, its navigation presented some unfamiliarity to me. Without any intent to view his profile, I accidently selected the link, taking me straight to his Linked-In profile page. Already knowing more than I wanted to know about Jackson after learning he appeared to start a new company "Jaka-Tek", his profile page also indicated his daughter, Katie, had her own Linked-In account. Curious, I purposely viewed her profile page learning she just finished college at Columbia University in New York. Even more shocking than the quickness of these passing years, was that she moved back east. But when recalling her dismay with having ¡°disciplinarian parents¡±, it seemed her value for freedom drove her that far away from them. I''m sure she loved New York too, but who could blame her for wanting some distance to experience life on her own without interference? It felt good to know she seemed to be doing well, choosing to pursue a law career. All I could do was hope she didn''t choose the path of a corrupt City Prosecutor. Although she viewed me as the villain in this story¡ªthe man who tried to hurt the goose who laid the golden egg and destroy her family, I rooted for her success in all she ever did from the sidelines. Katie seemed too independent and goal oriented to let her parents¡¯ farce of a marriage or their divorce get in the way of reaching her goals. Upon learning her tuition cost about ninety thousand dollars annually, it proved why Anya obeyed her Master¡ªnot out of love or respect for him, but so he could cover the entire cost of her education; the reason why Anya feared the future of her kids could be affected if she left. Unfortunately, it also proved my greatest fear, Jackson''s money was why she stayed and never left him. Not for herself as much anymore, but for her kids. Staying for the "sake of the kids" was another half truth, the missing half being for the "sake of the money" too. From her perspective, she never lied to me but by intentionally omitting the other half of her reason to mislead me, made it the worst of all lies. I even asked her the very first night we met if she was there for the money, after learning she was still married, and she denied it. And the worst part about it wasn''t her not being truthful, the worst part about it was that I believed her¡ªthe woman who only told me she was married after someone else told me. If I had to forgive myself for being that stupid in order to let things go, it was likely I never would. Take money out of the equation and Anya would''ve never stayed for anyone''s sake. You can simply look at Anya and Jackson to know if either drops the ball¡ªgains weight or becomes economically unstable, the rings will fall off their fingers faster than the divorce papers can be filed. And if being "well off" was the reason she stayed, and make no mistake it was, then what''s the problem with that? Her kids shouldn¡¯t have to struggle in life and gain any advantage Jackson''s money can give them. The last thing I¡¯d ever want for her kids was to follow in my footsteps--having to crawl, scratch and scrape for every opportunity. Hell, I even had two college degrees and a CPA license and still struggled. My only problem was with Anya hiding this from me¡ªleaving me to find out after not only asking, but after falling deeply in love with her. This only brought to light an even sadder fact--if I had never learned about her being married, she would¡¯ve hid that from me as well unless I asked, and even then she still might not have come clean. If anyone is married to someone who motivates them to do such a thing to another human being, to do something that deceitful without disclosing vital information that can only bring harm, then they really need to divorce that person. A huge part of me believes if Anya had done that to the wrong kind of man, her life would be in immediate danger. What Jackson inspired Anya to do to two men is why I have a monster issue with him and to take it to the level he did armed only with misinformation and threats, brought a disgust within me so great at times, I needed God to avoid breaking a major commandment and wasting my eternal life on him. Some people don¡¯t even try seeking God in these situations, but I began seeing how crucial he became being beyond livid with all the strings people pulled based on a pack of lies. In the same breath though, my inability to rein in my emotions caused this horrific outcome as well. Anya had to know how she was always willing to provide me a blanket without revealing all it covered. She should¡¯ve been honest with me when we met, instead of painting a picture of a badly deceived and lonely married woman, if she was never that at all.

    After viewing Katie¡¯s profile, happy to know she¡¯s doing well, I closed my laptop and dwelled in further proof of my inadequacy in Anya¡¯s eyes¡ªunworthy of being with her because Jackson provided more than I could. After a few days, my emotional intelligence made an unexpected appearance allowing me to view Anya''s decision from a different angle¡ªshe didn¡¯t want me to pay for something I wasn¡¯t responsible for. And for the first time, the trauma I¡¯ve experienced through not only my failed connection with Anya but all my prior relationships came to light. My mind capable of feeling only the wicked, never the good. Knowing the Anya I came to know and love, the one who didn''t play me for a fool, she likely felt I shouldn¡¯t be burdened with Katie and Andrew¡¯s tuition. Soldifying this belief when recalling a text from her saying she felt like a liability more than an asset if we were together. And for the first time, this small part of her rationale was never revisited or questioned again--now a fully reconciled piece of her.

    The feel good moment didn¡¯t last long after receiving a frantic call from Mac Simon a few days later.

    ¡°Hey Mac.¡± I answered. ¡°How are you?¡±

    ¡°Good, Landyn.¡± He replied, clearing his throat. ¡°How¡¯s it goin¡¯?¡±

    ¡°Not bad.¡± I told him nervously, unsure why he was calling. ¡°Did you need something from me?¡±

    ¡°I received a call from Claudine Courtney today.¡± He revealed.

    ¡°Really? Why''d she call?¡±

    ¡°She¡¯s claiming you¡¯re stalking her client''s daughter on Linked-in.¡±

    ¡°Are you kidding, me?¡± I scoffed, knowing he wasn''t. ¡°Her father suspiciously came up as a business contact suggestion and I came across his daughter''s profile while viewing his. I visited her profile one time out of curiosity. What is he trying to pull here?¡±

    ¡°You didn¡¯t try to contact her?¡± he asked.

    ¡°Of course not!¡± I snapped, wondering if he even believed me. ¡°I just finished the bullshit diversion program so why would I do something that would violate the order after going through that for the last year? I was just curious to see how she¡¯s doing after seeing her profile. Why is Jackson suddenly coming up as a Linked-In contact suggestion? That''s the real question. I''m a CPA and not even remotely in his neighborhood of networking contacts.¡±

    ¡°When did you finish the diversion program?¡±

    ¡°You mean the program I accepted when I didn¡¯t know about the Long Beach City Prosecutor''s involvement?¡± I replied sarcastically. ¡°About a month ago. They didn''t notify you? ¡±

    "That''s great. No, they didn''t. Can you send me the paperwork?"

    ¡°Sorry about that, Mac. I''ll scan and email it to you." I replied. "So, do they really think I want to go through all that again after just finishing?¡±

    ¡°They certainly aren''t very happy about you finishing the program." He laughed. "I¡¯m sure the husband laid down a huge bet you¡¯d never see it through.¡±

    ¡°Yeah, well as much as I didn¡¯t deserve to go through any of it...I did. The entire domestic violence class couldn''t understand why I was in there...including the instructor.¡± I told Mac, while reaching for a forty milligram Oxycontin. "I may have not had the best reaction in the world to things, but I''m struggling with symptoms of P.T.S.D over here feeling the same shit a rape victim does after everything I''ve been through for the last seven years. What''s his excuse? I''m not the monster here, he is."

    ¡°Just be careful, Landyn.¡± He warned. ¡°He¡¯s trying to provoke you into breaking the order. He¡¯s watching your every move.¡±

    There¡¯s no doubt once Jackson learned the charges were dismissed after my completion of the entire program, he turned desperate to prove I¡¯m the monster he built me up to be to all those around him. But if I was indeed the monster in all of this, we all were.

    ¡°Thanks for letting me know, Mac.¡± I told him, breaking a smile upon realizing he seemed to have not switched his allegiance. ¡°I appreciate it.¡±

    After my phone call with Mac, it felt good to know I ruled over Jackson''s mind, beating him at his own game. For good measure, I filed a police report with the Newport Beach Police Department claiming Jackson Caiaphas was cyberstalking me on Linked-In--putting something on record in case he had Donald Holbert come after me again with another maliciously frivolous allegation. Why was it that Jackson could freely "watch my every move" by actually stalking me, but I couldn''t be vigilant without being admonished? I refused to be thrown into a boxing ring with both hands tied behind my back--I had every right to defend myself by any means necessary, even blemishing his perfect public persona if necessary. The restraining order did not give him free rein to provoke me into breaking it and Mac should''ve never allowed it as much as he warned me about it. What if my own lawyer began siding with Jackson after talking with Claudine Courtney? That in Mac''s point of view, finishing the diversion program was also an admission of guilt?

    With another fourteen months of Jackson being able to fabricate innocuous violations before the restraining order expired, I shifted my focus to finishing ¡°The Passion Particle¡± and building my business. After an entire year of hard work for the biotech public company client without being fully paid, I played my hand with Mr. Stansphere and Harris--increasing my monthly fee by two thousand dollars a month. Long before they agreed in writing to the monthly fee increase and just before beginning the diversion program not knowing when they could consistently pay me, I applied for work with a temp agency, picking up a gig as a senior accountant at a prestigious real estate firm in Newport Beach. Over the next fourteen months, after my payable balance with the biotech company grew to a hundred twenty thousand dollars, I laid into Harris about the direction of the Biotech company, even accusing them of fraud and being nothing more than a shell company. In all honesty, working for Harris for free waiting for the company to take off and loving Anya waiting for her to commit to me were parallel, both willing to take all I offered without any appreciation for all I did. After refusing to do any more work until they were current with their payments, this unfortunate falling out resulted in Harris, not only understanding, but reaching out to a firm that could take the product to the next level of production through a reverse merger. When the new company agreed to buy them out, this brought in forty-five thousand dollars of additional business for me that was paid on time. After getting the Company all caught up on its filings, I had no choice but to convert my one hundred twenty thousand dollar unpaid balance into sixty two thousand shares of common stock. After receiving the stock, I terminated my contract with the company as their Chief Financial Officer. When my six month consulting contract with the temp agency ended, the Newport Beach real estate firm signed an agreement with my Company to provide accounting services for them on a full-time basis as an independent contractor. The real estate firm paid me handsomely on a weekly basis, not only saving my business but also providing me with the opportunity to meet and work with, and for, some of the best group of professionals and people on the planet. Life seemed to be unexpectedly turning around, my mountain of debt now crumbling into an ant hill.

    The real estate firm''s office was on the fourteenth floor, techincally the thirteenth, but it was the highest point of the commercial building. Like most office buildings in Newport Beach, this structure was wholly owned by The Caiaphas Property Group. When management spoke with me about the likely increase in monthly rent when their lease expired in less than a year, litttle did anyone know about my intense affiliation with their landlord. The view from the top of the building was a great selling point for Jackson. Since the firm had the entire floor, the floor to ceiling windows brought the beauty of the evening sky to life, providing a striking view of the Pacific Ocean and its sinking companion. I typically arrived at the office at six thirty in the morning to beat the traffic, providing me with a few hours of getting some work done before the CFO arrived to give me other assignments to work on. I loved being busy though, they paid me without limiting any of the hours needed to finish the work and it made the day fly by. I hadn''t felt so content in an office setting since working at KSR, making it hard to believe the days spent there ever happenned. One day while arriving early, I heard some squealing inside the conference room, which was next to my cubicle. Upon entering the conference room, a large brown and white falcon was perched just outside the window. Walking over, I expected it to get startled and fly away but it just stood there, staring at me. When I reached the window, I noticed it had a duckling underneath its talons. After staring at me for a few more seconds, it dipped its beak into the duckling who stared up at it helplessly. Fascinated, I watched it pull its meal apart, limb by limb, consuming it bit by bit. Lost in the rare sight, I was unable to pull myself away from the entire process, up to the minute the bird of prey consumed the last piece before flying away, leaving behind a tangled mess of feathers and blood. After mentioning this act of nature to the firm''s in-house counsel, she looked at me for about five seconds before laughing--an obvious frequent occurence because of the golf course below housing the duck population and its feast for falcons.

    With things turning around, including the soon expiration of the excessive five year restraining order, finding time to write my novel was hard to come by. Without time to write, the burning inside over the pulled strings intensified. Making me realize, even if my life turned perfect, this scar would destroy any happiness. When the restraining order did expire, how was redemption possible at all? Was a reclamation of honor even possible at this point? I thought this novel would be published the day the restraining order expired, but the novel was nowhere complete. I envisioned bringing the book into the open market would be my redemption but after rereading it, editing alone would take years! What now? How do you make your voice heard knowing it had to be? Of course, there existed reservations for bringing the story to print. There was no inspiration behind it to ¡°out¡± Anya but there was indeed a righteous purpose behind it. What we shared together wasn¡¯t for the rest of the world to know but the world needed to know its harmful affects--like a new disease. I wouldn¡¯t have wanted anyone to ever go through what we endured. But there was no denying my pride had taken a major blow and the score needed to be settled for me to find any peace after the bearing of such false witness against me, especially knowing others in the past have cowered in fear with their tails between their legs in full retreat when Jackson went after them--unfortunately for him and his minions, that wasn''t a part of my DNA. He needed to know I knew about his dealings with the City Prosecutor of Long Beach. He needed to know I knew he sent the letters to my father and to my clients after cyberstalking them¡ªthe same way he cyberstalked me for two years. I promised one day the score would be settled and I meant it. He challenged my liberty by fleecing the system, achieving his efforts to destroy my life on false grounds ensconced in incomplete context. If what he told those in power was the truth, I¡¯d walk away from everything knowing I deserved every bit of it. But everything about the ground the restraining order stood upon and its alleged violations was too fraudulent for me to ignore¡ªI reserved the right to reclaim my just character. Not that I was perfect here, but not the monster he hoped to create through half-truths to the decision makers. Each party involved needed to know they didn¡¯t get away with a single thing. I wanted them to know I knew it was them.This story has been stolen from Royal Road. If you read it on Amazon, please report it

    My means of redemption dawned on me while writing a chapter of ¡°The Passion Particle¡± on a beautiful summer day. When recalling how most days like these pre Mrs. Anya Caiaphas were spent at the beach without a worry in the world. Either basking in the sand for a few hours or biking on the strip. Yet, here I was, inside an overly air conditioned coffee shop feeling a need to swallow a pill even to tolerate living under a clear blue sky. Days I''ve always enjoyed drug-free were now spent trapped within my mind reliving the anguish of all that happened, like a soul eternally damned. When envisioning what Jackson and Anya were likely doing on this day and others like it--lying on a beach or out on a boat in Cabo, getting ready for a party or a fun dinner, both walking around naked in a hotel room as if they never cheated on each other a day in their life, these torturous scenarios pecked at me like a duckling under the talons of a falcon, tearing me apart piece by piece--why I felt so connected to the process. Like the merciless falcon, they stabbed at me by living without a care of how their marriage, its misrepresentations and misdirections, inflicted deep suffering in my life for no good reason, leaving me with no other choice but to rectify this immediately. No one had the right to take my life away the way they have done. I didn¡¯t want to blame Anya for it, the happiest and best moments in my life were mostly shared with her, but enough was enough. The need for drugs to get through the day have ran its course¡ªI refuse to spend another day trapped inside my head swallowing toxins on a beautiful day that should be spent absorbing a sun nourishing vitamin. I believed she may reach out to me when the order expired, but after six months passed without any contact, there were no more free passes to give. Life was unfair to all of us, but this seemed beyond cruel. Jesus Christ turned the other cheek, but without any peace of mind, I was just too weak to do the same¡ªmy hand now forced to settle the score and reconcile Anya.

    I wanted them all to hear me, the way Jackson wanted everyone to hear him by writing a letter to my father and clients. The same way he wanted his story heard by a higher power rather than cops unwilling to take a ridiculous report for clearly frivolous violations of a restraining order. The police department knew what a true violation of a restraining order was¡ªthey¡¯ve witnessed it on many calls. But a City Prosecutor looking for political allies and maybe a few months of free rent to potentially pocket the city''s budget unexpected windfall? Who would ever know?

    Anya told me if she fell in love with me, she would be with me. Telling me the only reason she was still with Jackson was because no one would be there for her if she were to leave. She sold me on her kids not being the reason she was still married, even referring to them as ¡°baggage¡± before I fell deeply. In fact, those words allowed and encouraged me to fall deeper because it¡¯s the last thing I ever wanted her to feel about her kids. I know she never viewed her kids as ¡°baggage¡± but in the eyes of another man, she feared him seeing them that way--especially after telling me Lance left her because he wanted no part of them in their life together. She never told me she was still there because divorce was beneath her. She never told me she was still with Jackson because she didn¡¯t want to be part of the ¡°general public¡±; although the general public left their spouses for much less. The worst thing of all was revealing she felt like she betrayed her kids nearly two years after asking me to fight for her¡ªthat the ¡°pure¡± and ¡°true¡± love she felt with her soulmate was a betrayal of her children. Not the emotional abuse her husband levied upon her for over a decade that inspired her to date a man before approaching me at a bar, but that it was our relationship founded purely on love that betrayed them. An unreal statement with such destructive power, it possibly cost me my entire future--never allowing me to feel or see life the same way again.

    After learning Katie graduated from Columbia University and moved to New York, it was clear to me where this betrayal truly lied¡ªthat her daughter wouldn¡¯t have been able to receive an all expenses paid out of state college education without Jackson¡¯s money¡ªwhy I referred to him one time as the goose who laid the golden egg. Anya only still shared a bed with her ¡°roommate¡± because those golden eggs needed warmth so the future of her children would not be affected by her. And did that make me mad? Not at all--it¡¯s not what set me off. Sure, it hurt to hear because of all she allowed me to feel, and it''s something that should''ve been disclosed in the beginning, not asked. She didn''t want me to know because she knew it would be a deal breaker, but in the same breath, all because she still slept with her husband didn''t mean she loved him. The fact was Katie and Andrew deserved the absolute best in life and her allegiance should be with them before us. I wouldn¡¯t have wanted either of them to have less for all the hard work they put in and the sacrifices they made. My problem was she failed to disclose vital things to know when we met not allowing me the chance to understand when revealing it all to me. It didn¡¯t mean she didn¡¯t love me, or she never fell in love with me or believed I was her soulmate. This has come to the point of reconciliation and redemption because those monster omissions greatly affected my life. By doing so, Anya betrayed me and herself. The fact that she viewed loving a man, like myself, as a betrayal of her kids was like experiencing a nearby nuclear blast¡ªdestroying all I ever trusted in and fought for. There could only be one reason--the money Jackson provided made him her master.

    My life needed to keep moving forward from this moment on to silence the cacophony within. Before feeling the coldness of steel beneath me, my side of the story needed to be heard. Instead of posting new chapters on the website, I published an explanation for the true origin of the story to my readers before giving credit to those who made it happen.

    "The Passion Particle" is ultimately a fictional story however 90% of the novel is based on a true story. It would be improper to not provide dedications with this novel as many people have contributed to its existence and should be properly recognized. The moral of the story is simply this; "Honesty is always the best policy." As for everyone else involved in the lie, whose only purpose was to hurt my life that inspired me to write this novel, and you know who you are, your dedication is coming in the only form I know how to communicate; the truth. For the reader, I think this makes the story a little more interactive, enjoyable and worth the read.

    A few days later, I published my first dedication.

    My first dedication goes to Judicial Officer Teri Shamm of the Lamoreaux Justice Center, Superior Court of California, County of Orange. My novel is not an indictment of the Justice Center as they had no knowledge of what happened in their building five years ago. I also don''t believe Judicial Officer Shamm to be a bad judge or even a bad person, however I feel the way she handled my case, in particular, was with a certain unprovoked prejudice hinting towards collusion and even political corruption. Not only will the court documents provide evidence of this, but the magnitude of the grossly unfair punishment considering the facts of my case will as well. When Judicial Officer Shamm reassigned my case to a different courtroom, not only did it discriminate against others that day who undoubtedly also would have appreciated their cases to be quickly heard and in a private setting, but further proved my legitmate defense--that the stay away order was being sought not out of a fear for their safety but rather out of a fear of being exposed, resulting in a loss of their reputations based solely on the truth, in both fact and appearance. The fact I was pulled out of a courtroom to have my case heard in a completely private setting, constituted an illegal act--stealing my right to liberty and freedom of speech while aiding the discriminating nature of the proceedings and the resulting unfair ruling I received. Furthermore, I learned years after this event, the plaintiff had many government contracts through his business dealings and that Judicial Officer Teri Shamm herself was married to a politician, councilman Paul Ko who is currently embroiled in alleged wrongdoing with monies received for his non-profit organization. I feel someone who knew the plaintiff through their business dealings, who also knew Judicial Officer Shamm and/or her husband, shared one sided details of my case which prompted me being reassigned to have my case heard in an entirely private courtroom so no one could witness the political theatrics taking place. I also witnessed before entering the reassigned courtroom, the plaintiff having an open conversation with someone just outside the private courtroom my case would ultimately be heard in, giving me a reasonable impression there was collusion and political corruption in the handling of my case. When you consider Judicial Officer Teri Shamm was appointed to her post as judge, and never elected by the people, it''s not unreasonable to think she is indebted to those who put her there.

    I hope through this novel, Judicial Officer Teri Shamm, and others like her, are put on notice--there are consequences for unfair judgments after being presented with the truth. It¡¯s a judicial officer''s sworn duty to pursue the truth in every case they hear without bias and not to pursue truth only when its convenient. Most importantly, I want Judicial Officer Shamm to know, even though she could''ve been misled and put in a bad spot, she never got away with anything that day if she ever believes she did. That although it may represent a small ¡°favor¡± she could usually get away with due to the many defendants needing a Spanish interpreter that day, this defendant was articulate enough to know that not only were his rights as a citizen completely violated, but that she also violated the judicial code of ethics with her severe overreaching ruling after an essentially unfair trial. A judge should always be held accountable when the facts and truth of a case are presented, no matter how they are presented, then discriminately ignored to take away basic freedoms and liberties afforded to people by the United States Constitution. Additionally, no judge should just give anyone, plaintiff or defendant, the absolute free rein to lie in their courtroom. Any true objective mind would also consider the defendant could be the true victim. Total whackjobs who stalk celebrities at their homes recieve less severe stay away orders than I did. That day in Judicial Officer Teri Shamm''s courtroom, political strings were undoubtedly pulled, even asking me to provide proof of my claims without asking the defendant to provide the same when the burden of proof is never the defendant''s responsibility, but the plaintiff''s. She intentionally and unabashedly put a sword in the hands of an unconscionable assassin to wield it at me without repercussions for five years. There is no doubt in my mind the magnitude of this restraining order was secured because Judicial Officer Teri Shamm is a useful idiot for the people in power who put her in the judge''s chair.

    A day later, I wrote then posted the novel''s second dedication:

    The second dedication is for Donald Holbert and The Long Beach City Prosecutor¡¯s office. No matter what you were told about the situation, here is the truth¡ªmoney was extremely tight for me at the time, but after finally receiving payment on a past due balance from a client of mine, I filed an appeal to the discriminatory, excessive and illegal five year restraining order ruling by Judicial Officer Teri Shamm. Unknown to me, and I¡¯ll take responsibility for not doing my homework before filing (believing there was a statute of limitations of at least four years), I missed the filing deadline by 23 days--losing the money spent for the appeal. As part of the appeal process, I was not allowed to mail the notice of appeal directly to the defendant. I had to have someone else sign and physically mail the appeal notice after the Long Beach Police Department appeared to drop the ball on its delivery to the protected parties. I then tasked my mother, who was fighting Cancer at the time, to sign and mail the notice before learning the filing deadline had expired. If I had known about the deadline, I would''ve never asked a loved one who was actually dying of Cancer at the time and in tremendous pain, to sign and physically mail the notice of appeal--making this false accusation against me without any evidence that much more maddening and disgusting. A whole year, possibly even longer, after the appeal was filed and mailed to the defendant, I received a court summons from the Long Beach City Prosecutor¡¯s office stating there was a violation of the restraining order--the ¡°victim¡± claiming without evidence I mailed the notice, not my mother. Mind you, this was a legal court document required to be sent to them after taking all the necessary precautions without realizing the deadline for filing had passed--an honest mistake.

    Because I unknowingly filed the appeal 23 days past the filing due date, the protected parties pounced on the opportunity to wreck my life all because I challenged the legitimacy of the restraining order due to its length when compared to other stay away orders. Notwithstanding the fact, it was obtained on absolute lies. Donald Holbert, using The Long Beach City Prosecutor¡¯s office to its greatest extent, you then pushed for me to be thrown in prison for an innocent oversight that ended up costing me money I could not afford to lose. To make matters worse, after accepting a diversion program deal, I learned your Long Beach City Prosecutor¡¯s office was a commercial tenant in an office building owned by the ¡°victim¡±. Leading me once again to reasonably believe political corruption had reared its ugly head. My financial situation at the time weakened my position to fight the lies the "victim" made against me, therefore reluctantly agreeing to (1) attend a fifty-two week domestic violence course I had zero business being in, (2) paying two hundred dollars to a battered women¡¯s shelter in response to a woman I¡¯ve never laid a finger on nor threatened to, and (3) complete eighty hours of community service all in a span of one year in exchange for the charges against me to be dismissed. By accepting the terms of the diversion program, I¡¯d save myself $10,000 in attorney fees for a trial I simply couldn¡¯t afford¡ªthe only reason I accepted it. Every single judge I came before in the Long Beach Courthouse during this time period appeared to be fair, never giving me the impression they were violating my rights like Judicial Officer Shamm did. However, the manner in which you weaponized the City Prosecutor¡¯s office against me, by pursuing an innocuous and mostly unsubstantiated non-physical crime akin to assault or attempted murder, logically raised my suspicions about this all being politically motivated. But again, I did not learn the City Prosecutor¡¯s office of Long Beach was a tenant of the ¡°victim¡± or ¡°Caiaphas Property Group¡± until after accepting the diversion program deal. I thought going through a public defender would provide me with fair representation during a trial however it seemed the public defender¡¯s office also works for the state, not for me knowing its the ¡°People of California¡±, not the protected parties, versus Landyn Lastman. My public defender even tried convincing me I was guilty before proven innocent, advising me to plead guilty when I did not intentionally violate the order. There just seemed to be an incentive to find me guilty so my file could be swept away off their desk, allowing the state to make money off my guilt for its programs (which are really good for those who truly need them). Upon realizing a conflict of interest clearly exists between the public defender and the city prosecutor¡¯s office, I obtained continuances¡ªneeding time to hire a real attorney. Once my proper representation was secured and upon consultation, my attorney believed like I did¡ªJudicial Officer Shamm''s initial ruling was illegal and he wanted to fight its legality in a trial on top of the alleged restraining order violations filed against me. Unfortunately, the trial would¡¯ve wrecked me financially¡ªthe only reason the diversion program was ever accepted.

    For you to wield the power of the Long Beach City Prosecutor¡¯s office against me, in pursuit of a potential one year prison sentence for a non physical violent offense, made me acutely aware how our legal system works. How people can very easily find themselves behind bars not even remotely based on the truth of their guilt or innocence, but because they are negotiating from a weak financial position. They then plead no contest or guilty not because they are guilty, but because they are broke when it¡¯s the legal system they depend on to provide them with justice that is broken. I always believed the truth was sought, but you''ve proven the truth is bought. As long as a defense is based solely upon "the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth" then it should never cost the defendant a single cent. In fact, they should be reimbursed for all costs incurred for defending themselves against a rogue and thuggish prosecutor. I know someone put something into your ear Mr. Holbert and not soon after I was suddenly maliciously prosecuted and defamed by the office you head. This novel, ¡°The Passion Particle¡± brings to light what I feel is a major problem with our current legal system, and unfortunately for you, my specific point of reference is how the City Prosecutor''s Office of Long Beach is run. For the record, I don¡¯t believe all the prosecutors in your office are corrupt, and I know the ones handling my case were misled and were just acting on your orders trying to make it in this competitive world, however it¡¯s apparent some can be manipulated to become corrupted and for them to practice in a courthouse that carries the respected name of the ex-governor of California, George Deukmejian, is an absolute disgrace. I don¡¯t want you to ever believe you got away with anything. I know all about your back-door dealings with a certain someone at a Cancer Society fundraising dinner meant to besmirch my good character and to keep the character of a very questionable person intact--all for a few months of free rent and likely an unexpected cash surplus in which was likely shared in the form of a "bonus". It would be a shame if someone blew a whistle causing the IRS to audit your office to make sure they received their share too. I just hope it was all worth it, because soon the world will know all about the lack of integrity and ethics of those involved in the attempt on my life. My advice to you going forward is to never allow yourself to do favors for a person you only know of but do not truly know. I know you were lied to about who I am and it¡¯s the only reason why I¡¯m limiting my disgust with you to this dedication. I wanted you to know that I know. You got away with nothing.

    A day later, I wrote then posted the third dedication¡ªthe toughest one by far. Feeling the need, or the desire, to send this one out into cyberspace made me angry. No matter what I write, they will never see my side nor expect them to--essentially a waste of my time. Unfortunately for me, too many reasons existed not to. The first being the non-existent fear their parents instilled in their minds about me. Second, they already knew who I was. How else would they recognize the threat to their safety? If they were protected on the order, they had to not only know who I was but also what I looked like¡ªespecially if they believed the lie I threatened to kidnap them. Third, the threats made to destroy my life and the lies to intentionally defame my character. The fourth, the letter and emails sent to my father¡¯s home after stalking him on the internet to learn of his mailing address along with sending the same documents to my clients. Fifth, it bothered me that they could believe that by their mother loving me, a man who greatly cared for and respected her more than their father ever did or could, also meant she did not love them--nothing could''ve been further from the truth. And last but not least, hijacking the legal process by urging Donald Holbert, The City Prosecutor of Long Beach and others in high positions of power to get involved. If Jackson had attempted to wreck me with the truth, there''s zero need for any of these dedications, let alone this one in particular that will lead to nowhere. However, the last thing Jackson was accomplishing by coming after me by misleading others was protecting his children. Only telling the truth could¡¯ve made him successful at that endeavor. For all I knew, they would likely never see, let alone read, this posting anyway¡ªall I needed was for Jackson to read it.

    The third and fourth dedications go to Katie and Andrew Caiaphas who are represented as Ashley and Robert Clarke in ¡°The Passion Particle¡±. I will make this dedication short and sweet. They are the true victims here; two innocent kids brought into this world who have been lied to their entire lives by the people they should trust the most. The message to them through my novel is simply this; they¡¯ve been manipulated and misled about who I am--that the monster their father created to put fear in their heads and hearts does not exist in any way shape or form. To this day I don¡¯t know how a parent could ever be so selfish to instill a fear that does not exist in the heads of their own children rather than choosing to be honest with them about why that person exists in their lives. Unless of course they had a lot of things to hide, which happens to be the truth.

    Katie and Andrew, I¡¯ve wanted nothing but the best in life for you and wanted to share what I''ve learned about this crazy world we''re a part of; that true happiness is extremely hard to come by because it never comes from how much money you have sitting in your bank or investment accounts, or how many horses are in your stable, or how many skiing trips you take to Mammoth, or how many boats you have to cruise the bay with, or how many friends you have on Facebook, but rather from how good someone you love makes you feel about yourself. Why a parent would not want their children to know this in life, when they know it to be true, is beyond my comprehension. I can only guess when a parent is a master manipulator who has to be in control of everything and also carries traits of a classic narcissist and sociopath, it¡¯s easy to understand why they will never tell you where true happiness is found because it would defy all they¡¯ve ever shown and given you. Unlike your mother and father¡¯s union, you need to know marriages are realistic when you choose the right person. I want you both to know that trust and respect means everything in every relationship and if you don¡¯t have it, you don¡¯t have a real relationship. You both deserve real marriages based on mutual love, trust and respect that never leads to infidelity even to settle the score. You also need to know your self respect should never be for sale and should always be non-negotiable--that there is nothing ¡°unique¡± or ¡°special¡± about any man or woman who remains loyal to you because that¡¯s what someone who truly loves and cares about you is supposed to do. That it¡¯s okay to stand up for what you believe in even if it¡¯s unpopular because that''s what leaders do, not sheep¡ªeven if it costs you a friend or two down the road. The only reason this dedication exists is because your heads have been filled with horrific lies about me and that is the god honest truth. I''ve always had zero intention of ever reaching out to you one day to explain myself. It¡¯s not my place to do that and you¡¯re never going to side with me and I wouldn¡¯t expect that of you¡ªI totally understand. The lies told about me by your father to people in positions of power, who wish to wreck my life, unfortunately made it necessary for me to do so through this dedication and through this novel about what I truly represented in the life of your mother and who I really am. Your father objectifies her¡ªI respected, loved and cared for her. It doesn¡¯t mean he doesn¡¯t love you, it just means he doesn¡¯t love nor as he ever loved your mother the way a husband should love his wife. I''ve wanted nothing more than for her to be truly loved and if it was for anything less, you both would''ve never known me. It''s the only reason I am still fighting this battle.

    This was not written for you to be upset with or rebel against your parents. Although I feel they¡¯ve focused more on showing you the value of things and money more than teaching you what real values are, their love for you both is without question, and they¡¯re going to do what they feel is necessary to protect you. I don¡¯t fault them for that and they are good parents. My problem is with the lies that''s been communicated to others about me and some of those people are in high places who tried to harm me irreparably. My business as a CPA relies on my good name therefore I have the right to protect it. Defending my character is just as important as the protection of their reputation. The lies made about me is a shining example of how a parent can also serve oneself to avoid accountability for the reason an "other" person exists in their lives. One instance of this type of lie was when you were only 13 years old, Katie. When you overheard your mother threaten to divorce your father, and you thought you were to blame for it. For the record, you can blame me for it, and naturally you will because I¡¯ve never given or bought you a thing in life, but please never blame these two people; your mother and you. You were not responsible in any way for your mother¡¯s unhappiness with your father, and I know for a fact you and your brother made your mother proud every single day. I know she loves you greatly because I suffered every single day fighting for her to be honest about her true feelings and to do the right thing by ending her marriage. All the times you ever saw your mother upset and crying, times she left the house to go sit in her car or take a drive somewhere, times she had to excuse herself from dinner, please don¡¯t ever blame yourself or your mother for it, instead blame me for it. Your father may have succeeded as a father and in life, but he failed as a husband in the worst way imaginable. I would¡¯ve never been in the middle of this if that wasn¡¯t true. So, if you ever still wondered about those times, you can now rest your mind because the truth was you had nothing to do with it at all. However, somehow it was reasoned that it was better for you to go to bed with that burden on your mind than to be honest with you to relieve you from it.

    It was imperative you both know the truth so this false sense of fear, instilled in you by those who seem to care more about their reputation and image than your peace of mind, is released so you can see the true intent of my actions and what I truly represented in the life of your mother. Your mother and father¡¯s marriage is not one founded on love, but rather on fear and deceit. Their marriage historically lacks loyalty, trust and respect and has simply hurt and disrupted lives around it, even ruined another man¡¯s marriage in the past. What they have is a marriage to keep up appearances for business and networking purposes, and I feel it is their obligation as parents to show you theirs is not a normal marriage¡ªespecially when it pushes lies about others. A marriage without loyalty, trust and respect is not a marriage, let alone one you and Andrew should invest your life in. Believe it or not, your happiness within a marriage will determine your happiness in life. Otherwise, I would have never met your mother and known her pain, and she sure in the heck wouldn¡¯t have encouraged or allowed me to fall in love with her and exist in her life--let alone be a significant part of it for two years. If I had no respect for your mother, I¡¯d send you the texts she sent me over those two years and you would know exactly how much your father has wronged her and why I¡¯ve been defamed and maliciously prosecuted. Unfortunately, your mother has been and continues to be a victim of emotional abuse from the destructive mind of your father, who I believe is a sociopath. I organically came into her life to save her from it based on what she shared with me. It''s that simple. He has disrespected, dishonored, and shamed her for years and his love for her only represents an extension of love for himself and money. That¡¯s the truth and why fear was put into your minds about me. They are all lies¡ªeveryone single one of them. Your mother knows the truth. I know the truth. And now the truth has arrived to you both. Here are some things to keep in mind as you continue life¡¯s journey.

    <u>THINGS MONEY CAN¡¯T BUY</u>

    <ol style="text-align: justify">

    <li>Common Sense</li>

    <li>Morals</li>

    <li>Respect</li>

    <li>Character</li>

    <li>Manners</li>

    <li>Trust</li>

    <li>Patience</li>

    <li>Class</li>

    <li>Integrity</li>

    <li>Love</li>

    </ol>

    I hope God blesses you both, that you meet people who respect your heart and mind, and the real love you both deserve from another, that eluded both your own mother and father, never eludes you.

    After posting their dedication, it seemed exactly like placing a note into a bottle and throwing it into the ocean--beyond unlikely to ever reach them. They would have to perform a Google search for "The Passion Particle" just to locate it since I used an alias writer''s name, Robert Everson, and only Jackson was cyberstalking these days. However, I couldn¡¯t help but hope it reached their eyes after Jackson found it necessary to reach out to my father, my clients and to Donald Holbert. My communication was directly sent only to those who knew of my relationship with Anya and who actually knew me¡ªno cyberstalking required. Unless of course, Anya lied to Jackson about Debbie knowing me; leading him to believe his letter to my father and clients was parallel. If Jackson didn¡¯t want the heat though, he should¡¯ve stayed out of the Facebook kitchen he was in for two years. He knew his wife wanted to be happy after chipping her heart away over the years. The least he could¡¯ve done was make it right by letting her go without making a play for full custody. Destroying Jackson was never the plan; only his role as Anya¡¯s husband--simply by wanting him to know his wife no longer truly loves him after all we''ve experienced together. Anya owed him the truth if he went seeking it by cyberstalking her soulmate--which he did. God favored those who basked in the truth and not for those who bore false witness. Going back to Genesis, God never allowed King Abimelech to touch Abraham¡¯s wife, Sarah, because He knew she belonged to him. God never intervened on Jackson¡¯s behalf the way he did for Abraham¡ªwhy everything felt so right all the time. God knew what I knew from the very beginning¡ªJackson only objectified Anya, only loving her with his pecker and his wallet. Reaching out to Katie and Andrew would never change their minds. They would always choose their father over me and I wouldn¡¯t want it any other way, but could Jackson say the same after contacting my father? He wasn¡¯t changing his mind but he tried anyway, even doubling down when he threatened to destroy me. So, in so many words, fuck him. He failed to protect his children after choosing to do so with lies instead of the truth.

    The next dedication was for the one who deserved it above all and everyone else, posting it the day after my dedication to Katie and Andrew.

    The 5th dedication goes to Mr. Jackson Caiaphas, President of both the Caiaphas Property Group and now, his new side hustle Jaka-Tech, which ironically appears the ¡°aka¡± contains the first letters of each of the three family members he¡¯s deceived over the years (<u>A</u>nya, <u>K</u>atie & <u>A</u>ndrew), but we¡¯ll get to the details about that a little later. He is represeted as Colton Clarke in "The Passion Particle".

    This dedication is not an indictment of Jackson¡¯s business practices. I only mentioned the names of his businesses so there is no confusion about which Jackson Caiaphas I am speaking of. I¡¯m certain he engages in honest good faith dealings with his tenants and clients and I wish him the best on his business endeavors. I can find appreciation in his work ethic and drive to run successful businesses. It¡¯s not why this dedication exists.

    In the movie ¡°The Exorcist¡±, the head priest Father Merrin, tells his assistant priest, Damien Karras, the following before they begin the ritual to rid a demon from a little girl.

    ¡°The demon is a liar. He will lie to confuse us but he will also mix lies with the truth to attack us. His attack is psychological, Damien. And powerful.¡±

    In a nutshell, Jackson Caiaphas to me, is the real life manisfestation of this same demon--mixing lies with the truth about me to deceive others in high places in an all-out effort to destroy my life that damn near took it. I think it¡¯s only fair to recap why I carry such a strong opinion after his wife informed me of all the following about him.

    <ol style="text-align: justify">

    <li>He cheated on his wife when she was pregnant with their second child and with another man¡¯s wife.</li>

    <li>His cheating ways caused his wife such great distress that it was likely the reason why her son was born prematurely.</li>

    <li>After the affair was learned, the other man¡¯s marriage was wrecked irreparably because it left Jackson''s wife so distressed, she had to reach out to the husband to work together on a "solution". This caused her additional undue anguish after being gaslighted into feeling responsible for breaking up the marriage when it was her husband and the other man¡¯s wife who destroyed it. Jackson put his wife in an unfair position and she only acted in a manner consistent with what any normal person would do in her situation. </li>

    <li>Jackson Caiaphas was so remorseful, after his son could have died from his premature birth and after he wrecked another man¡¯s marriage, do you know what he did? He cheated on his wife yet again. Her crime? She put on weight from her pregnancy.</li>

    <li>Feeling a great need to repent after cheating on his wife, he instead chooses to make wisecracks around mutual friends that he would trade her in for two 20 year olds when she turns 40.</li>

    <li>Seeking ways to atone for his cheating and for ruining another man''s marriage, decides it''s best to continue his standard practice of flirting with waitresses and ¡°checking out¡± other women in his wife''s presence. I wonder how he acts when she''s not around? </li>

    <li>What kind of advice does the mother of Jackson Caiaphas, who knows of her son''s infidelities, give to her daughter in law? ¡°Suck it up, Buttercup!¡± My mother would disown me if I ever cheated on my wife.</li>

    <li>Not only has he abused his wife emotionally for years, he leaves her with nearly the entire burden of handling all the duties of child raising with little help--other than using his money to hire others to handle the chores she would normally perform. His wife essentially taught her son to play baseball and other sports.</li>

    <li>Allows her, without any offer, to drive the kids to and from their activities late into the night even in hazardous conditions. </li>

    <li>His gross infidelities and disrespect led his wife to pursue a short-term and a long-term relationship outside of their marriage.</li>

    <li>Emotionally blackmailed his wife with threats to kill himself if she left him, threatening to fight for full custody of the kids and giving her his businesses in exchange instead of supporting her having the happiness in life he stole from her.</li>

    </ol>

    Jackson,

    For the record, the only person who intentionally violated the restraining order was you by calling me using a spoof app to cowardly threaten, harass, and provoke me into violating the unjust restraining order I received based on a pack of half-truths. To add more fuel to the fire, you had the audacity to convince people you knew in government, particularly, a judicial officer of the court, the Long Beach City Police Department, and the City Prosecutor of Long Beach (a tenant of yours) to do your dirty work. I''m sure you''d even cry ¡°slander¡± or "libel" if I ever uttered or wrote the truth about you, well here¡¯s your chance with an entire novel your own wife used to give me working titles to. You then incredulously took it a step further by threatening to take my CPA license away, claiming you were ¡°powerful¡± enough to do so¡ªeven challenging me to a fight ¡°MMA style¡± which I declined not out of fear, but out of respect for your children. You even sunk low enough by cyberstalking my father and clients on the internet to locate their addresses in order to send a letter and the emails I sent to a mutual friend to my father¡¯s home (who was in the throes of intolerable grief) and to the business offices of my clients¡ªa classic example of your deeply rooted arrogance in a doomed from the beginning attempt to get them to side with you. But hey, at least now they know all about you too.

    Like the emotional abuse you''ve levied upon your own wife throughout the course of your marriage; you¡¯ve also tried to attack me psychologically, but just like your godforsaken marriage, you¡¯ve failed. After all your shenanigans, I''ve come to realize something--you wouldn¡¯t have done any of it if you truly believed your wife¡¯s heart belonged to you. I now understand why you were upset after learning a simple truth. That if you had all the money in the world, you still could never give her a quarter of what I did. My conjecture is you learned she saw me after unintentionally walking right by you one night when you were together, and did not report it to the police--refusing to warn you or protect you. You found this out, likely from the husband of the mutual friend, through the emails a year after I sent them because your wife and her friend also refused to report them to the police. I''m also more than certain you saw the emails on your wife''s phone because let¡¯s face it, your marriage has zero trust, and you were beyond livid she protected me. There was only one reason why she did not report it to the police--she knows the truth about who I really am and all I stood for. This then boiled your blood enough to accuse your wife of still loving me--likely throwing a tantrum as most children do. In order to prove her devotion to her children and "family" against a non-threat, you then forced her to come after me by threatening to run and tell the kids "mommy doesn¡¯t love daddy anymore". Unfortunately for your twisted narrative, I never came into her life to wreck your "family" but to only put an end to her marriage to an emotionally abusive narcissistic and philandering husband.

    No matter what your legal counsel says, I know you¡¯re the Conductor of this Crazy Train, and my question is why aren¡¯t you in any kind of therapy? Can you even begin to comprehend why I felt the need to protect myself against all the lies by emailing Debbie? Did you know I walked away from your wife because she was married when we first met? Even told her if she ever got a divorce I¡¯d love to date her? That I ran into her again 5 months later and she told me I broke her heart? That she referred to her marriage as only a ¡°situation¡± after asking how it was possible I broke her heart? That she promised me if I swept her off her feet she would be with me? That I have two years worth of texts to prove I did? That the only reason she was still married was because she was afraid no one would accept her and her children? That she believed no one would be there for her if she left? That when you found out about San Francisco, after stalking me on Facebook, she told me she loved me more than ever? That we were only physically intimate because we were best friends who respected each other and not solely due to a physical attraction in which YOU base love upon?

    I know you more than I ever wanted to know you. I am simply putting all of this out here because if I hadn¡¯t been told about your transgressions, I would be married by now and have a family of my own¡ªnever falling in the financial hole I found myself in. I¡¯ve lost a lot for caring about someone¡¯s happiness in life over my own. Your wife never told me ¡°I want to be with Jackson¡± or ¡°I want to work on my marriage with Jackson¡±--telling me instead she feared her kids would hate her. As much as you would love to believe it, I¡¯m not the type of man your kids would hate. They would quickly see I cared deeply for their mother¡¯s well-being and would walk the ends of the earth for her. From what I''ve learned about her car accident, she doesn¡¯t appear to be in a healthy place. It''s what I was fighting for--the fear a good mother was living an unhealthy dangerous life by living a lie. I should have had many more holidays with my mother than I did, and Katie and Andrew both deserve the same. Sometimes it¡¯s not about your libido and your ego. I can tell this simply by the manner in which you run around playing the role of victim without seeing the mess you created--giving two shits less about your wife''s happiness over your own. When I found out you were stalking me on Facebook for 2 years, I told your wife if you¡¯re not going to be honest with him, I have to be. Whether it was fair to her or not for me to put her in the position to come clean, it also wasn''t right you had to go into my account to get the truth--if that¡¯s what you were seeking and needed. Don''t ever fool yourself--the only reason we aren''t still seeing each other is because I forced her into being honest otherwise she would''ve never stopped seeing me. You can take that to the bank.

    You need to keep in mind, horrific lies were told about me to people in high places; judges, police officers, prosecutors and surely others in your business and social circles. All I¡¯m coming at you with are things I was told were true or are true. If you had chosen to tell the truth about me to these people, I¡¯d have no reason to do any of this, but you simply did not and I will fight you on everything. We will be in court a lot¡ªwhatever it takes to shut your lies down. It''s the only reason why I emailed Debbie¡ªto defend myself by telling my side of the story. I even specifically instructed her in an email to not tell your wife which shows no intention of violating the court order unlike your phone calls to me. If I had any plans to intentionally violate the restraining order, I¡¯d take my complaints directly to you. I just wanted her to know my side of things and to explain why I acted out the way I did. I¡¯ll go as far to admit there¡¯s a lot of things I didn¡¯t understand at the time that I have a better understanding of now. I hate to break this to you but if I had any intention whatsoever to break the illegal court order, the last thing I''d do is go through a middle man if its also looked upon as an intentional violation of the court order.

    Patience and time are my true warriors and we waited for this moment to make good on my promise to settle the score--now being achieved through this dedication. I do have a strong opinion about things, but only because it carries the truth with it¡ªthe means to my redemption. I want to ensure your choice pattern of harassment is extinguished for good. That the lies you told to others about me are destroyed and the truth is known. You need to accept responsibility for the way this turned out. Unlike every other man in Anya¡¯s life you¡¯ve scared off, I refuse to stand for it because the truth resides on my side in this matter, not yours. I will fight you under blood red skies in court over this--wanting nothing less than the lengthiest of hearings to get it right this time.

    You should feel ashamed to have deprived the mother of your children a single day of happiness, a woman you promised to God and family ¡°to honor and cherish until death do you part¡±. You even sat on your ass, instead of being bent on one knee when you proposed to her, but I guess when you have money and can promise her friends your money has bought, the simple gesture of honor and respect for a woman you claim to love didn¡¯t matter. Unfortunately, it only marked the beginning of your emotional abuse, so much abuse in fact, it all felt normal to her until she met me. I¡¯m confident she knows the truth now; that the day she met me was the day she realized how psychologically destructive you have been. That your actions and inactions as a loving caring husband is the reason she felt empty enough to pursue love and happiness again in her life and how dare you deny her that for anyone¡¯s sake!

    I''ve tried living my life by having compassion for others, but your demonic ways need to be brought to light, and I¡¯m glad my passion for writing could do just that. You¡¯re in the business of selling yourself to people, and you have adroitly sold yourself enough that people actually believe your lies. It also appears you¡¯ve met those who will even protect them for you. As hard as you tried though, when you called me using a spoof app like the dishonest person you are, you failed to sell yourself to me--I was already well versed on you and your abusive ways. There is nothing normal or right about your behavior¡ªyour money is the only thing validating you. Without it, you¡¯re nothing. Although I would never seek you out, I do hope our paths cross one day just so I can tell you these things straight to your face. The day you decided to phone me only confirmed your cowardice and all I ever learned about you through your wife. The most telling thing about you was that not one single time during our conversation did you attempt to protect her honor. In fact you put her in harm¡¯s way that morning by telling someone, you believed was a "psycho", that she lied to him about everything. I will reiterate what I told you on that day; even though it was possible, I don¡¯t believe she lied to me. She knows if she did, it would be like admitting to a violation of another human being akin to rape. However, I do believe without a doubt, because she told me many times when you asked her about me, YOU were the one she lied to. You can keep living the pipe dream your ego, the false image you¡¯ve built and the fake friends your money has bought along the way, for as long as you live, but the one thing you can never deny is the truth in this life. The truth that I promise you God is well aware of between us--expounded upon as testimony in this memoir/novel. I don¡¯t mix lies with the truth¡ªit¡¯s the truth or nothing at all. That¡¯s called having integrity and character, but I also realize I can¡¯t speak of things you know nothing about.

    Here are some things in life you should know in case you didn¡¯t;

    - What goes around comes around.

    - The lies you tell only build before they eventually come right back to you.

    - Honesty is always the best policy.

    It¡¯s a shame a man 13 years your junior has to communicate these things to you. At one time over the last 5 years, I was so reflective I even considered it was me who was the classic narcissist and psychopath, but then I realized something; I never lied about anything, and lying is the trait of all narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths. That¡¯s the difference between you and I and will always be.

    Driven by Jackson¡¯s attempts to destroy me, becoming the peacemaker I strived to be was an impossibility until unleashing this anguish¡ªalready losing far too much to deserve any of his attacks. If somehow he believed his actions were noble because he was protecting his kids then my response simply represented an act of survival; the drugs allowing me to stay patient until the time came to settle the score. Posting any of the dedications gave me no joy, only becoming necessary to salvage what was left of my life. If Jackson sought to destroy me, only protecting his kids with the truth about me could have accomplished that. Instead, he chose to slander and defame me to people with power in an effort to hide his unwholesome nature.

    After posting this dedication, only one remained. If Anya was still with Jackson because she didn¡¯t want to lose fifty percent of her kids, why did she not communicate that to me when we met? It shouldn''t have been something to learn nearly two years after being deeply vested in our relationship. All I ever asked for or needed from Anya was the truth. She never had to love me for a single second and the last thing I ever wanted was to put her in the position we now found ourselves in. Why was she really still with Jackson? That¡¯s all I wanted to know the first night we met so this all could''ve been avoided. All the things she told me after allowing me to fall deeply¡ªfrom not wanting to lose fifty percent of her children, to not wanting to be grouped with the general public, to feeling selfish if she pursued happiness, and that she was still there for the sake of the kids because of the money Jackson provides were things she should have fully disclosed before pursuing a relationship. If these things were made known to me in the beginning, I would''ve never consented to having a relationship with her. Parading her marriage around to others while being in a serious relationship with me was not remotely close to what we agreed upon before deciding to give love a chance. We simply agreed if she fell in love with me, she would be with me, or at least promise to be. If she needed time, I loved her enough to give her that and even expected her to struggle at times. I understood how she could feel but not after pursuing happiness with me and allowing me to feel so much. She had something to fall back on; I did not. She did not lose a thing; I did. And if Jackson finding out about us meant running back to him begging for forgiveness then scheming with him against me, then my anger is completely justified¡ªI¡¯m no one¡¯s dirty secret. She had no right to tell me about his infidelities without any plan to do something about it. If my "soulmate" could never stand up for a ¡°pure¡± and ¡°true¡± love likes ours, then how could I not feel betrayed? I took a great leap of faith for her because I trusted all she told me when we first met. For some reason she holds the belief she was honest with me in the beginning even as she remains dishonest with herself.

    Two days later, I posted Anya¡¯s dedication.

    The 6th and final dedication goes to Anya Caiaphas, represented by Carla Clarke in this novel ¡°The Passion Particle¡±, that chronicles our relationship. For the record, a couple of scenes between us were embellished for dramatic effect but 90% did happen as told.

    Anya,

    The story speaks for itself and gives you a golden opportunity to right your life¡¯s wrong. I don¡¯t know many people who are still married after being in a relationship like ours for 2 years. Eventually, you or Jackson were going to end up hurting someone bad enough that the truth about your marriage would be revealed one day. It had to be me because unlike everyone else, I truly loved you. I will never understand, even for the sake of your children, why you chose to stay with a man who has dishonored, disrespected, and shamed you over a man who would¡¯ve never done such a thing to you after being in a very serious intimate and loving relationship with him for nearly two years. I think if you ever read the story, our story, you¡¯ll understand better why I felt and reacted the way I did. As much as you want to pretend you do not, you in fact live with a man who has mentally abused you, Anya. An act he''s committed against the mother of his own children that is worse than physical abuse--at least a bruise disappears over time. This pain has done nothing but linger and the abuse led you to me. Ironically, I somehow became a victim of that emotional abuse when you intentionally failed to fully disclose your situation to me when we met and after asking me if I''d fight for you, allowing me to be harmed. I only wanted you to come into the light of the truth so people could no longer be hurt by the lies of your marriage. All because you think people can¡¯t be hurt by what they don¡¯t know, doesn¡¯t make it right--you¡¯re still intentionally hurting them through your actions.

    I¡¯ve come to realize over time the mental abuse you¡¯ve endured from Jackson was so significant it led you to me and these subsequent actions. I feel bad for punishing you for anything, but if you were me and you experienced all I have, you would easily understand why I stood up for what I felt was right. I know you¡¯re mad at me because we¡¯re not together (that¡¯s the truth) and it¡¯s why I got mad too, especially when you and I both know we belonged together after all we shared. But if we couldn¡¯t be together, then I wanted to see you with another man one day, not the horrific one whose actions led you to me. I¡¯d much rather see you truly happy with someone else if it couldn¡¯t be me, and that¡¯s the difference between Jackson and I, who claims to love you. If what Jackson provides your children is what truly makes you happy, I deserved the right to know before we pursued our relationship. You had five whole months to do so and you never did. It was as important as telling me you were married. It makes me wonder if I¡¯m missing something here. Is this something you do to people to get through married life?

    You told me one time loving someone was letting them go. So, if that is true, then if Jackson truly loves you, then why does he not let you go? Because you know as well as I do, he does not nor did he ever truly love you. You told me one time that he should''ve married a stripper. He also proposed to you while seated on his ass and not bent at the knee. He was a 30 year old protege of Jeffrey Epstein going after a 19 year old impressionable teenager because you gave him a boner. Would he want Katie dating a 30 year old man at 19? Do any of you see the sickness in that? I know what made you truly happy in life and it wasn¡¯t your marriage to Jackson or the ¡°I¡¯m happy when my kids are happy¡± Hallmark channel nonsense. I¡¯m the living walking proof of how much you love your kids because of my two years of unrewarded patience and sacrifices. I completely trusted in all you told me and believed you were too good of a person to keep ignoring the truth¡ªhoping my intolerance would make you uncomfortable enough to leave Jackson and to at least meet a man who makes you a better person. Jackson brings out the absolute worst in you and you know it--you were raised much better than this. For you to choose a mentally abusive husband all because of his money makes me feel used and that unsettled me more than anything. I think you owe it to me to leave him after all we¡¯ve shared and been through together, even if it means you are alone for a little bit. It wouldn¡¯t be for long I¡¯m certain of that. The Anya I came to know and love has no equal on this planet.

    I wrote this novel to honor my mother and God, but it was also written hoping to bring you into the light of the truth if you ever read it, so you¡¯d have a chance at real happiness again one day with a real man. Not a man who claims he is willing to lose an arm if he could change things yet is unwilling to lift a finger to help you in the kitchen after dinner. He may be a good provider, and a good father, but he needed to be a good husband too¡ªspectacularly failing at what he vowed to do. He¡¯s too consumed with his businesses and his political aspirations to ever be a good husband. You know this truth better than anyone¡ªit takes actions more than an acronym (JAKA) to prove that. As long as you remain with him though, I will fight the lies made about me until the day I die. However, if you do leave, I could then forgive and forget because it meant I wasn¡¯t played for a fool, and you finally did the right thing for once in your life. That¡¯s the only thing I could ever respect¡ªthe return of my belief in your honest nature.

    After posting the final dedication, I then added a disclaimer to the dedications, in case any friends of mine misinterpreted my intentions, or anyone else who read them and the story.

    <u>The following is a disclaimer in regards to the following dedications.</u>

    The dedications were not made so others would harass, hate, contact, or ridicule any of the parties mentioned within. They have caused me harm, not you. No contact information, and only names have been provided to ensure they are not contacted by any third parties. These people do run two quality businesses and they should not be contacted as well. This is not my intent whatsoever in any way shape or form. My only intention is to set the record straight with people who have made lies about me to people in high places, and to protect mine and my accounting firm''s business name. The dedications serve a legitimate purpose in that they were made solely in self-defense of the many lies, provocations and a pattern of harassment that has been inflicted upon and about me since 2009. These lies constitute harassment, intentional infliction of emotional distress, defamation of character and even gas lighting. The story and dedications only go to prove the level of my fear, anxiety and the emotional distress these lies have caused me over the years.

    The dedications were also not knowingly made false statements and represent a statement of fact, or facts I was led to believe were true, and if anything else, simply represents a matter of opinion.

    Lastly, in a letter that harassed both my father and clients, the following was written:

    ¡°Jackson and Anya Caiaphas are both extremely well respected by so many in different communities, organizations, and circles.¡±

    This statement suggests, and lends to the belief, they are both public figures therefore my dedications represent what I feel is in the public¡¯s best interest. When a company is polluting the environment, I feel it¡¯s best to notify others so they can be safe from harm. These people have harmed not only myself, but others in the past, so I feel these dedications represent a public service announcement so others don¡¯t fall in the same trap I did. I wanted to also bring an awareness to narcissistic, sociopathic and psychopathic behaviors. We are all generally guilty of these types of behaviors however, intentionally lying is the trait which validates these behaviors, and I strongly believe I have enough evidence to prove the accusations made against me were categorically false, and I look forward to defending myself if necessary. My only crime, based on all I was told, was caring about someone¡¯s happiness in life and I paid with my own. I¡¯m the only one who lost and I lost a great deal. I feel I have a social responsibility to make sure this never happens to anyone else with true good intentions.

    Thank you for reading and for your continued support and compliance.

    God Bless

    After posting the dedications, I took a break from writing to focus on beating my addiction to opiates. The only thing stopping me at this point was the months long bouts of insomnia and the unrelenting restless body syndrome symptoms. Having a client who paid me regularly brought new life to my business and to stop taking the pills would subject me to working on an hour''s sleep for at least a couple of months. Since the milligram potency of the pills was far higher than those taken before my mother¡¯s death, the uneasiness felt at my mother¡¯s funeral would hit me tenfold this time around. Three months after posting the dedications to ¡°The Passion Particle¡±, God, who blessed me more than I ever deserved to be, not only helped me fight back the severe withdrawal symptoms allowing me to return to a drug free life, but also had a hand in Nancy Pelosi winning her district over Jackson Caiaphas. Although my political views were unaligned with hers, it was nice to know there was some justice in the world. That the people who thought they''d gain more power by helping Jackson destroy my life remained in their limited capacities at the state level. Equally satisfying was bearing witness to Jackson¡¯s ego taking a major hit on the largest of public stages. The loss, however, appeared to be too much for his ego to bear in December of the year 2017¡ªfive months after I posted the dedications to the novel website.

    ¡°Hey, Mac. It¡¯s Landyn Lastman.¡± I relayed into his answering machine. ¡°I need your services again¡ªthey filed for another restraining order against me.¡±

 CHAPTER 43 ~ POETRY OF JUSTICE

    ¡°I believe if I don¡¯t avenge you

    It will come to you somewhere else.

    I believe if you try to trap me.

    You will fall in the hole yourself.

    My heart is a broken engine

    But my blood is running clean.¡±

    ~ ¡°Superior Machine¡± Threshold

    After informing Mac of the hearing date, he directed me to inform the court he wouldn¡¯t be available and that Claudine Courtney surprisingly approved the continuance without complaint.

    A few days before the scheduled hearing date, I worked on gathering evidence for the upcoming trial. Claudine Courtney would undoubtedly attempt obtaining the second order based solely on the merit of the first. This made providing evidence of political corruption crucial for me to combat their attack plan. This was no longer a hairbrained conspiracy theory after stumbling upon the business relationship Jackson Caiaphas had with the City Prosecutor of Long Beach. It seemed Donald Holbert and his wife knew Jackson, likely through Anya''s volunteer work at the Cancer Society, clearly bringing the real reason behind her ¡°philanthropy¡± to light¡ªall for business purposes. Anya warned me she had ¡°people¡± and now those she gleaned through her volunteerism paid dividends in driving me to accepting a diversion deal for uncommitted violations of the restraining order. After spotting a rarely seen sight these days, a pay phone, I made a call to the Long Beach City Prosecutor¡¯s office easily patching myself in to Donald Holbert¡¯s direct line.

    ¡°Hey Don, Jackson Caiaphas here. Give me a call when you can. Seven-one-four-two-nine-three-forty-three-eighty-three. Talk to you soon.¡± I spoke into the receiver, imitating Jackson¡¯s shrill voice to the best of my ability while leaving the voice mail message before hanging up.

    A few days later, a voicemail received on my mobile phone from an unknown number hinted my message had reached its intended.

    ¡°I know what you¡¯re up to. I¡¯m watching your every move.¡± claimed the disguised voice, the ending of the call punctuated by a frantic heavy breath followed by a loud click.

    Only six seconds long, the message spoke volumes¡ªnot taking a rocket scientist to know the source was Jackson, likely after receiving a distress call from Donald Holbert. A confirmation of what they believed to be a failproof plan now becoming a reckoning of their professional reputations.

    Having a feel now for how the legal game was played¡ªhow silence equated to truth, I looked forward to this second round. After saving Jackson¡¯s threat to my voicemail, I visited the Caiaphas Property Group¡¯s webpage noticing a significant tenant was suddenly missing from its home page¡ªthe City Prosecutor''s office of Long Beach. Although still having no concrete proof of their involvement, their suspicious removal from the website promoting their tenancy at this particluar time, while all others remained, brought real credence to their collusion intending to destroy my life¡ªand Mac needed to know.

    ¡°They what now?¡± He asked.

    ¡°They removed The City Prosecutor of Long Beach as one of their valued tenants on their company¡¯s webpage, Mac.¡± I informed him more succinctly. ¡°Can we use that as evidence of their suspected involvement? You have the screenshot I sent you of when they were listed as a tenant.¡±

    ¡°Maybe they moved?¡± He asked.

    ¡°Why would they suddenly move?" I posed without telling him about my call from the pay phone. ¡°Removing them from the website suggests their implication, don¡¯t you think? If they didn¡¯t move, why else would Jackson remove them from the website?¡±

    ¡°We can certainly question them about it.¡± He told me before clearing his throat.

    ¡°Are you under the weather?¡± I asked.

    ¡°Nah, just allergies...just that time of year.¡±

    ¡°Mac, should I make a list of questions to ask them? I asked. ¡°I really need to win this.¡±

    ¡°This is a nothing burger¡ªyou¡¯re going to win. They have nothing here. You never contacted them--all they''ve done is read something on a website. This is not a restraining order type case.¡± He reassured me. ¡°Libel, perhaps? But their request for another restraining order has no leg to stand on.¡±

    ¡°Okay.¡± I told him, feeling more redeemed but uncertain if they had a legitimate case for libel. Then again, Jackson boasted how he and Anya were "well respected in many communities" in his letter. If they were public figures, certainly the public had a right to know the truth about them and how they operate--using lies and people in power to destroy those who trusted them with their lives.

    ¡°I wouldn¡¯t worry about any of this, Landyn. I¡¯ll talk to Claudine Courtney this week and we¡¯ll get something worked out. I¡¯m sure she knows how ridiculous this all is.¡±

    After speaking with Mac, I felt better about my prospects this time around. Just the chance to be finally heard, to tell my side of the story without a pill hindering my ability to think and communicate clearly should make all the difference.

    When the court date arrived, a day an agreed upon in advance continuance would be granted because of Mac¡¯s unavailability, there was no anxiousness, uneasiness or nervousness felt. Expecting it to just be an uneventful day without Anya or Jackson¡¯s presence, I went to bed late and woke up groggy. Lacking time to grab a cup of coffee before arriving at the courthouse, advancing through the courthouse¡¯s security checkpoint felt like a dream. With a foggy mind focused on catching up on missed sleep while riding the courthouse¡¯s escalator to the second floor, the sun glared brightly off the large courtroom windows, blinding me.

    On my approach to the courtroom, I flattened my tie against my chest, looking down to make sure it was tucked neatly within my new suit. Before I could bring my eyes up from the white marbled floors, the cacophony of a heightening stomp of footsteps peaked.

    ¡°What¡¯s goin¡¯ on mother fucker?¡± Blared Jackson, my face nearly bumping into his collarbone. ¡°You got somethin¡¯ to say now, mother fucker?¡±

    Taking a step away from him to create space between us and fighting back the sun''s glare with my right arm, I expected to feel a push, a punch or even a bullet. In this court house he could easily get away with murder¡ªcertain Donald Holbert would assist him with such an endeavor. His wrinkled face bore a sun deep crimson hue and the look in his wild bushy browed eyes suggested he may have been on drugs. As he continued to yell, I put my hands in the air and continued to back away, knowing exactly what he wanted. His ambush caught me by such great surprise, it stole from me all the things I wanted to say to his face. I then scanned the scene for an eye witness but not a single person was there.

    ¡°What? You have nothing to say to me now?¡± He yelled, coming closer.

    ¡°You¡¯re a real big man in a courthouse, Jackson.¡± I told him while taking another step backwards. ¡°I wonder why.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯ll take you on anytime, anyplace, anywhere!¡± He barked again, clenching his fists. ¡°Let¡¯s go!¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s what you want because I know who your political friends are now. I know Don Holbert is a friend of yours.¡± I fired back before stopping. ¡°I know all about your political corruption and you¡¯re not getting away with it this time---and you know it!¡±

    ¡°There¡¯s no political corruption!¡± He boomed, taking another step forward.

    ¡°Why¡¯d you remove the City Prosecutor of Long Beach from your website then?¡± I countered, refusing to take another step back and with an accusatory index finger. ¡°You removed it because you got him involved you fuckin¡¯ creep! All you¡¯re doin¡¯ is comin¡¯ at me with lies, not the truth! Well, the truth is here now, you philanderin¡¯ piece of shit!¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re the piece of shit home wrecker!¡± He exclaimed before lunging forward.

    In a suit far too tight for him, he raised his right fist but before he could throw a punch, Claudine Courtney emerged from the anteroom, grabbing his arm to pull him away from me. Seeing a clean opening, I tightened my bicep and fortified my wrist, poised to jolt his jaw so quickly it would undoubtedly knock him completely out. I contemplated taking the wide open shot so he could atone for all his evil, but it carried far too vicious intentions, and if he hit the back of his head on the cold marble floor, I could be guilty of something far worse than writing the truth about his life for the world to see.

    Fifteen seconds later, Claudine successfully tugged the maniacal Jackson away, removing the ability to prove his psychopathic nature any further. His contempt for me was what I''ve held inside in a much darker sense--I had far much less to lose than he did. Truth be told, the dedications were written to inspire this kind of reaction from him¡ªbringing to life his psychotic tendencies. It''s what I wanted him to feel¡ªthe same scorching rage I''ve felt over the last six years after his provocations to get me to break the illegal restraining order. It was validating to know I drove him over the edge of madness with my dedications¡ªappearing to inflict more damage than a punch ever could. Jackson was now served with a bit of poetic justice and he certainly didn''t care much for the taste of his own medicine. Apparently his conversation with the City Prosecutor of Long Beach did not go over very well especially after his recent congressional defeat. Although Donald Holbert was clearly misled, he should¡¯ve never trusted Jackson to begin with by weaponizing his office against me without knowing the other side to the story. Instead of choosing the truth to defeat and quiet me, they chose defamation¡ªmen with zero character accusing me of lacking it. I¡¯m guilty of only one thing--making a terrible decision in trusting someone with my life. A defect of believing in love, and if that''s a defect of my character, love is truly dead for me. Losing Anya and my belief in love were too much to bear.

    The fact there were no witnesses to the incident; not a single person waiting outside the courtroom waiting for their case to be heard on the entire one hundred yard floor, screamed setup--the only witnesses conveniently being Claudine, Jackson and myself. His ambush left me kicking myself, failing to consider reaching for my cell phone to memorialize his erratic violent behavior. I could only imagine Anya in the anteroom shaking her head over the whole thing, unable to reel her master in. I¡¯m sure she and Claudine advised against it, but Jackson was paying her to do his bidding¡ªtheir opinions didn¡¯t matter. His behavior only proved this entire second restraining order had no legs to stand on--and he knew it. How was it possible for him to obtain a stay away order when at the very minimum it required being contacted by me? I never sent an email blast letting them know or letting anyone else know about the dedications¡ªthey were sought out. There were no threats made to anyone''s physical safety so how could a credible fear for their physical safety exist? Other than what they dreamed up in their heads? Jackson¡¯s outburst all but assured this case would be dismissed or settled before it reached a judge. Mac was right¡ªthey had no chance of winning this, especially now being aware of the players involved and having an attorney to defend me this time.

    Minutes after Jackson¡¯s assault and near battery efforts just outside the doors of the courtroom, we were then called to sit inside. There were two sections of seats on the left and right side of the courtroom with an open space between them where people could walk to meet with the judge. Jackson and Anya took seats in the back row after seeing me sitting in the same row in the opposite section. Without missing a beat, Jackson took his provocations a step further, moving to the very end of the opposite section of chairs to be near me. Peering over, I watched Anya fumble through her purse while her psychopathic husband¡¯s eyes were trained on me. Remembering all of his prior provocations, I took my left hand and placed it under my chin, removing all my fingers except the middle one before scratching the side of my left cheek with it.

    ¡°You fuckin¡¯ son of a bitch.¡± He muttered before standing up.

    I rose without stopping my ¡°itch¡±, making sure he knew what I thought of his decision to use lies instead of the truth in attempting to destroy me. Then Anya, taking her shining black heels, pounded them loudly upon the tiled floor before admonishing Jackson--her response to his antics leaving me in shock¡ªthe first time she''s called out his childish behavior. After her show of disgust, I realized using the silent ¡°fuck you¡± gesture only sunk myself down to his level making me no better. I immediately dropped it from my chin before sitting back down, choosing to ignore Jackson''s unyielding stare who never heeded to Anya¡¯s heeled reprimand. From that moment on I refused to feed the falcon, removing myself to the front of the courtroom and away from them. As they conversed loudly enough for me to hear, I tuned them both out¡ªanother attempt by the ¡°victims¡± to antagonize me. On three separate occasions, Jackson rose from his seat and paced the room angrily behind me in a desperate effort to get me to respond. I instead held my ground knowing if he succeeded my side of the story would never be told--the thing he wanted. Six years ago when the illegal restraining order was granted, his provocations on this day would¡¯ve worked. Now being off the pills, dressed in a new suit and with my emotions in better check, I didn¡¯t want to jeopardize losing the chance to bury him the way he tried to bury me. After the pain and suffering I endured over the last six years, especially after going through the diversion program because of his ties to the City Prosecutor of Long Beach, the truth had finally caught up to him--and I refused to let him off the hook. He knew the only shot he had at winning this was to get me to physically assault him. Knowing my attorney wasn''t here and his own counsel was currently missing in action by design, he would do all he possibly could to break me.

    Jackson surely painted himself as the victim--the devoted father and husband fighting for his family. In the eyes of others, maybe even most on the outside looking in, this angle justified his behavior. Unfortunately there was another side to the story holding the truth--he wasn¡¯t the loving husband people thought he was. They didn''t know the reasons for my ire. In their defense, there''s no doubt that most men in my situation would¡¯ve never taken the precautions I took before dating Anya. They would¡¯ve quickly partaken in having an affair with her without falling in love and caring about what her reasons were. They would''ve never allowed themselves to be vulnerable the way I did. But, my fateful decision was based solely on the information Anya provided I trusted was accurate about the man she married and how it affected her. I wouldn''t have been in her life at all if the pain he inflicted upon her was never communicated to me after asking--especially when being accused of breaking her heart after leaving her only because she was married. When she told me she was only there because no one would be there for her if she were to leave, I trusted her. When she told me no man would accept her and her kids, I believed her. When she told me she wasn¡¯t still there for the money, I relied on that. And when she said it wasn¡¯t a marriage but a situation, I put my complete faith in her. This hearing gave me a chance to learn the truth¡ªto learn who Anya really was, if she was never all she led me to believe in.

    Jackson mentioned in his letter to my father ¡°who knows what is true or not¡± but I played that hand through the dedications proving on this day the truth did matter--especially to the author of the letter to my father and clients. That the truth was everything and its revealing in this hearing will explain why it had to be. Jackson was not only on the verge of defeat but embarrassment. Although he fell woefully short as a husband, wrecking him as a father was never my goal or wish even though he had no problem wrecking Anya as a mother after she crossed him¡ªaiming to prove her as immoral and unfit. But, if she did love me, how was Anya immoral after her husband chipped away her heart for years by disrespecting and dishonoring her? Jackson broke his wedding vows far before Anya even considered it. If her affinity for me was truly in the name of love, where¡¯s the real immorality? Especially after her husband destroyed a marriage with his indiscretions while his survived? In the legal sense, without being officially divorced, an argument could be made against her morality in the eyes of society but what about in the eyes of God? And what about those women with nowhere to go and no one to turn to who stay with their espoused abusers because they are fearful? If Anya didn''t love me, and she only wanted private time with another man without kids being around, then she was immoral in the eyes of God. But after all we shared? And after all the things that were said? I just couldn¡¯t fully believe that. After six long torturous years, these questions I could only hope would be answered. This hearing wasn¡¯t only about holding Jackson accountable, but also about reconciling who Anya truly was¡ªif her love for me was indeed born on sacred ground.

    For the next twenty minutes, the courtroom became a lion''s den as Jackson paced back and forth behind me, while I exercised due vigilance in hopes of evading a potential bullet. With the unchecked power of the City Prosecutor of Long Beach at his ready, he could easily dispatch of the monster he led everyone to believe I was--especially if he wanted to keep his kids believing Michael Myers was real. When the judge finally appeared, Claudine Courtney lost the quality that would make Houdini envious, taking a seat next to Anya before Jackson joined them. After the judge acknowledged the continuance and reset the trial date for a month later, Jackson and Anya abruptly left the courtroom. After being granted the continuance, I had to sign off on the paperwork being processed on the first floor to make things official, leaving me wide open to more of Jackson¡¯s provocations. Upon reaching the processing office without incident, I got in line behind three people. Two minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder.

    ¡°How do we make this go away, Mr. Lastman?¡± Claudine Courtney asked in a hushed tone, hoping to avoid attention from those standing in line, seemingly exasperated.

    ¡°Can we at this point?¡± I asked beyond surprised and a bit relieved. ¡°Your client filed for a restraining order rather than talking to me. Instead of being truthful in court, they put me in the position to defend myself from all the lies they''ve conjured up about me. After the craziness today you think this can just simply go away?¡±

    ¡°If you¡¯re willing to take down the dedications maybe we can move on without going through this.¡± She conceded, her blue eyes pleading.

    ¡°I¡¯m not taking them down, Claudine.¡± I told her shaking my head knowing they were up against the ropes. ¡°I want my side of the story heard¡ªthat chance was stolen from me six years ago.¡±

    ¡°Nothing illegal happened six years ago.¡± she countered in a louder tone before looking around.

    ¡°Oh yes, it was illegal.¡± I quickly interjected. ¡°Lies were created on the spot about me that weren''t even in the actual restraining order complaint, just so the most serious tenets, such as kidnapping and trespassing, could be met to obtain the severest restraining order available. I guarantee no one in United States history has ever received a five year stay away order without threatening to or actually laying a finger on someone. And you know it. Your client colluded with others in power to protect the lie that is their life. Don''t blame me for filing the appeal all because you guys got overzealous and took it too far."This story is posted elsewhere by the author. Help them out by reading the authentic version.

    Claudine just stared up at me in disbelief, unable to shake her head knowing the truth.

    ¡°I was the only one in a fifty-two week domestic violence class who never laid a finger on his girlfriend. I paid two hundred dollars to a battered womens shelter without the thought of striking Anya crossing my mind. If she wanted her precious lies to stand the test of time, then she should''ve never allowed me into her life the way she allowed to be. Or at the very least disclosed everything I needed to know when we met and not misrepresent herself the way she did leaving me drowning in her lies and half-truths." I continued, struggling to keep my composure and voice down. "This is all coming out of the wash now¡ªespecially after the letter Jackson sent to my father and clients.¡±

    ¡°What letter?¡±

    ¡°Your unhinged client, the one accusing me of being psychotic, sent a letter to my father and clients along with the emails I sent to Debbie.¡± I told her. ¡°He didn¡¯t disclose that to you?¡±

    ¡°No, he never did." She stated, frustration swelling in her voice. "As opposing counsel, you must provide me with all the evidence you have in your possession.¡±

    I nodded, taking a deep breath to calm myself down. ¡°I¡¯ll give you a copy of his letter at the hearing. I don¡¯t have it with me now.¡±

    ¡°So how do we make this go away?¡± She inquired again.

    ¡°You tell me. It''s your client who''s gone batshit crazy trying to get a restraining order without me contacting them. How is it they are the ones actually cyberstalking me yet calling me the stalker?" I told her, shaking my head. "Why don¡¯t they go back to the ol'' drawing board and instead of tryin'' to get another stay away order, try suin'' me for libel or slander if what I wrote in the dedications isn¡¯t true?"

    "Please try to keep it down." Asked Claudine while we gained the attention of people around us.

    "I''ll tell you what. We can then agree to having an independent party hook us up to a lie detector machine while giving our testimony. It''ll be both dramatic and fun for all of us. Especially for you when its your clients turn--the judge is going to think we''re having a major earthquake when they see the needle moving so fast. Hell, it''ll probably fly off the machine." I said while fighting to keep my voice down. "But we both know they''ll never agree to it because they know they''re lying. The last thing they want is to get to the truth¡ªthey''d have no shot at winning.¡±

    ¡°They didn¡¯t cyberstalk you.¡±

    ¡°How''d they learn about the dedications then?" I asked in disbelief before folding my arms across my chest. "They had to have "Googled" it or have known about the title of the novel. I even used an alias author''s name; not my own."

    ¡°Have you ever heard of Google Alerts?¡±

    ¡°Is that the same as regular Google?¡±

    ¡°You set it up using certain words and if any of those words appear on the internet, Google will alert you to it.¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t understand." I reluctantly admitted. "I¡¯m technologically impaired.¡±

    ¡°For instance, when you used Jackson¡¯s full name, Google alerted him to it. When you used Anya¡¯s name, Google alerted her to it." she explained. "And when you used the name of their kids¡­¡±

    ¡°I see.¡± I replied, nodding before looking away now cognizant of why Claudine approached me.

    Being more focused on my own name not showing up on search engines, I protected it by using an alias. I never realized using the names of Anya and Jackson Caiaphas within the dedication and not in its title, would allow them to come up on search engines--believing only those who knew the name of my novel or my fictitious author¡¯s name would be able to see what I posted. When Claudine informed me the kids were compromised, the redemption I felt through the dedications lost all its luster.

    ¡°Would you at least be willing to remove the dedications to their children?¡± She politely asked. ¡°It would give me a little more leverage trying to talk some sense into them.¡±

    ¡°I can do that. I will do that.¡± I told her without hesitation. ¡°Your client is losing his mind if he¡¯s setting up Google alerts. Don¡¯t you think he¡¯s a little out of line especially after what you witnessed this morning?"

    Courtney shook her head, her eyes peering up into the ceiling. ¡°I know.¡±

    ¡°I know you don¡¯t have an easy job.¡± I told her. "He needs to stop acting like a child."

    ¡°There were some other postings we found online.¡± She informed me.

    ¡°Really?¡± I asked, genuinely surprised. ¡°Other than the dedications?¡±

    ¡°Yes, they came from a newspaper chatroom site of some kind.¡±

    I tried recalling if I had written something else about them that maybe the pills clouded my memory about. I was definitely upset enough to do something like that at times being so broken but genuinely could not remember. Maybe it was Mitch? I had no idea what Claudine was referring to.

    ¡°If I google their names will the postings come up?¡±

    ¡°Yes.¡±

    ¡°Okay, well I didn¡¯t post anything other than the dedications about them so I¡¯ll locate those and see if I can remove them too."

    This was the first civil conversation I''ve had with Claudine after she called me about four years ago. She couldn''t have been making much money on this case and likely wanted to focus her time on more lucrative legal endeavors. For all I knew, Anya could also have pushed the "Landyn is a monster" narrative as much as Jackson did, especially if her kids saw the dedications and she believed I planned to also reach out to them in person. The only problem I had with the lengths Jackson went to protect his "family", the one he cheated on, was simply the lies being said about me and how people in power were being used in the courts to turn those lies to truth--an extension of his infinite innate cheating mindset. It felt good to know, or at least it seemed, Claudine aimed to be reasonable and wanted to discuss a way to move past this. What made it difficult for me to grant her that hope was how my side of the story was completely neglected, making it seem like I''m a psychopath who''s actions were indefensible. The court needed to seriously understand the dedications were not written to joyfully destroy lives but were a response to instigators purely done in self defense. I was honestly fine with the restraining order after sending Jackson the gifts Anya gave me, although, it was only done in response to her nasty refusal to explain why she sent me the heart pendant with the necklace I bought her. If a restraining order made it right for her, then that was fine and I probably deserved it. Sending her gifts to Jackson was purposefully meant to obliterate any remaining hope for us anyway. What I didn''t deserve were the lies to obtain a five year restraining order protecting four people, two of which were children, and for them to lie to others they knew in power. Removing the dedication to their kids gave me absolutely zero pause¡ªit reaching Jackson¡¯s eyes was good enough for me. If he wanted to harbor his kids from the truth, then he should¡¯ve realized sending a letter to my father would only provoke a broken man, who struggled every single minute to survive, into wanting him to feel the same anger. Every right in the world existed to defend my honor, especially if the kids ever believed they were in any danger from me¡ªlet alone having any delusional plans to kidnap them. There are ways to protect your kids and family, but creating monsters who do not exist is not how it¡¯s done. It felt good to see he felt a part of the vitriol and disgust I¡¯ve felt for the last six years. Knowing how hard he struggled to keep it together on this day proved how much stronger I was emotionally.

    After talking with Claudine, I went home that evening and deleted the dedications to Katie and Andrew. As a further act of goodwill, I also deleted Judicial Officer Teri Shamm¡¯s, Donald Holbert¡¯s and Anya¡¯s dedication opting to leave Jackson¡¯s up for the time being. A few days later, I decided to delete his as well. My message got to them loud and clear¡ªthe dedications serving their purpose by providing the chance never received six years earlier; the opportunity to tell my side of the story. A part of me hoped her kids read the dedications only so they knew they had nothing to fear from me and the reason why I existed in their mother¡¯s life. The garbage I wrote about their father, although true, I hoped never reached their eyes. My beef was with Jackson as Anya¡¯s husband, nothing more and nothing less. I needed to justify the decision I made to be a willing participant in Anya''s life. I''ve always carried great respect for all relationships, not just marriages--never wanting to hurt an innocent person because I¡¯ve been broken and left behind with self doubt before waiting for a phone call that never comes. All Anya told me about Jackson had to be true because of what she allowed me to participate in. I would never dream of coming into the middle of someone¡¯s marriage and she knew that from Day One. I asked her very pointed questions about what led her to cheat on her husband with Lance. Even asking what I needed to do for her to leave him, unlike she did for Lance. Otherwise, I would¡¯ve never chosen to get in the middle of another man¡¯s marriage, let alone one that would disrupt the lives of their children. Anya convinced me into believing I was doing a noble thing, even characterizing our love as ¡°pure¡± and ¡°true¡± and that she needed me like she needed air¡ªeven calling us soulmates. If it was for anything less than that, and merely based on animal attraction, as beautiful as she is, I would¡¯ve never entertained the thought knowing I''d likely never survive its end. There was no denying though, it felt extremely satisfying  getting so easily under Jackson¡¯s skin after all his provocations; a form of sweet justice. But, there were no winners here, just a congregation of lost souls.

    A month later, on the date of the rescheduled hearing, Mac was given prior notice from Claudine that Jackson and Anya needed a continuance. We had no objections, therefore another expected uneventful day at the courthouse awaited me without Mac. Again, the courthouse floor was empty, another quiet day with no people around having their cases heard. Spotting Claudine Courtney sitting in the courtroom upon entering, I approached her with a copy of Jackson¡¯s letter.

    ¡°Good morning, Claudine.¡± I greeted before handing her a copy of the letter. ¡°As per your request.¡±

    ¡°Good morning. Thank you.¡±

    ¡°I also removed all of the dedications from the website, including the online postings you brought to my attention. ¡± I told her. ¡°I have no idea who posted those. I think I was too open to a friend of mine about what I was going through and he might have done that. Anyway, they''re no longer there."

    ¡°We checked. Thanks for doing that." She told me, nodding. "Mrs. Caiaphas was thankful.¡±

    ¡°Well, it was the right thing to do.¡± I nodded, surprised she told me that. ¡°I informed my attorney that I removed the dedications so hopefully you can have a discussion with him about where we move from here. I¡¯m sure you¡¯d rather deal with him. I think you''ve had more than your fill of dealing with me.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯ll contact him.¡± She told me, smiling.

    After talking with Claudine and engaging with her on a more human level, she appeared to be understanding the nature of my dissension after witnessing her client¡¯s behavior first hand. It was nice to know Anya appreciated my removal of the dedications but it really should¡¯ve never come to this. My side of the story, although untold in a courtroom, was at least now known in some form after Jackson got a taste of what he tried dishing out. After the judge granted us another continuance, the hearing now pushed back another two months, I exited the courtroom and sat down to listen to a voice mail left by my father. With the phone to my ear, waiting for his message to end, I saw Claudine exit the courtroom with Anya walking beside her.

    To see Anya surprised me¡ªwhy wasn¡¯t she in the courtroom? I didn¡¯t know what to make of it, but couldn¡¯t stop fantasizing about a secret hope she held to reconcile herself¡ªso I no longer had to. As she walked by, it brought me back in time to Katie¡¯s recital--seeing her behind a booth selling t-shirts before the show and how ecstatic I was to be near her. For a moment, for the longest time without having an opiate in my system, it brought me back to when I felt her love. Even bringing me back to the time she told me ¡°I love you so much it hurts¡±. What hurts, babe? All this time, without an explanation¡ªalways just assuming it was a positive feeling for us residing at the very heart of the truth¡ªbelieving she knew she had to leave Jackson. Knowing she wasn¡¯t leaving her children behind by doing so, otherwise, why else would it hurt so much? Now, it only opened my eyes to her wanting me to let her go after allowing me to feel so much--the kind of thing that breaks people forever.

    When Mac called me a week prior to the trial date, I anticipated learning how the hearing would no longer be taking place after removing the dedications.

    ¡°How you holding up these days. Landyn?¡±

    ¡°Haven¡¯t felt this good in years, Mac.¡± I told him. ¡°Have you talked to Claudine Courtney?¡±

    ¡°Yes, I did.¡± He acknowledged, before clearing his throat. ¡°Looks like she can¡¯t convince her client to drop the restraining order request. Did you remove the dedications?¡±

    ¡°I did several weeks ago.¡± I told him.

    ¡°They are telling her you put them back up again.¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s not true--I took down all the dedications.¡± I replied honestly, shocked by their accusation. ¡°I do still post chapters to the novel I¡¯m writing¡ªmaybe that¡¯s what they¡¯re seeing? Why would they want to go through with it at this point? What they complained about is no longer there.¡±

    ¡°This is beyond ridiculous, Landyn. The request for a restraining order has no merit." stated Mac. "I don¡¯t know how a judge can even rule on this. You never contacted them.¡±

    ¡°I know! How can this even be heard by a judge let alone ruled on?¡± I laughed seeing the absurdity. "If there is a trial, we have to vet the judge¡ªI don¡¯t trust any of them in this courthouse after Jackson''s antics went unnoticed. The only reason they''d still consider pursuing this, is if they had someone already in place who¡¯s willing to hijack the legal process for them again. Maybe that¡¯s why they asked for the continuance? To get another judge?¡±

    ¡°I wouldn¡¯t worry--this is a sure win for you. Their plea for a restraining order has no legs to stand on.¡± He assured me, assertively.

    ¡°Thank you for that, Mac.¡± I replied. ¡°I can do away with the list of questions I had for them.¡±

    ¡°Did you seriously put a list together?¡± Mac hooted.

    ¡°I did just in case but¡­¡±

    ¡°You won¡¯t need it, Landyn. We won¡¯t need it. The restraining order has no legal standing.¡±

    ¡°You know, Anya was at the courthouse for the continuance.¡± I informed Mac. ¡°Did she need to be there?¡±

    ¡°Not at all.¡± Replied Mac. ¡°She was there, huh?¡±

    ¡°Yeah, I thought it was kind of strange.¡±

    ¡°She didn¡¯t have to be there.¡± He restated.

    ¡°I wasn¡¯t sure, but didn¡¯t think she needed to be. Thanks for confirming.¡±

    After our phone conversation and learning Anya didn¡¯t have to be there, it felt good to think maybe she showed up hoping to smooth and talk things over. But, my mind wouldn¡¯t allow me to hold on to that belief¡ªshe was likely there because her husband told her to be there. After all, his money held her puppet strings. If I had known his money was her master and she would judge me for not being able to give her children what he could give, I would¡¯ve never put my heart and soul into this. She instead chose to omit the real reason she was still married to a man who dishonored her, sealing my fate.

    On the day of the hearing, a day anything could happen including its dismissal, I grabbed the turquoise Tiffany pouch with the necklace inside, placing it within my suit''s inside pocket then lightly patting it against my heart¡ªjust in case anything did.

    When I met Mac, he briefly coached me in the anteroom, instructing me to show no emotions and to let him do the talking.

    ¡°I¡¯m going to ask for another continuance.¡± He informed me. ¡°I have an emergency¡ªI¡¯ll request it from the judge.¡±

    ¡°Oh boy, this isn¡¯t gonna set well with Jackson.¡± I replied, shaking my head and chuckling.

    ¡°You think he¡¯s going to accost you again?¡±

    ¡°He just might..." I said before pausing. "And I¡¯m not in the mood for it.¡±

    ¡°Let me handle it. I¡¯m here today." Mac told me in an attempt to calm me down. "He won¡¯t be able to get away with that shit with me here¡ªhe knew he could get away with it without any witnesses.¡±

    Just at that moment, Jackson and Anya appeared with Claudine Courtney standing at the doors of the courtroom. As soon as Jackson saw me, he stopped to stare me down, apparently believing Mac hadn¡¯t arrived yet.

    ¡°They¡¯re here and old father Hubbard is already stirring the pot.¡± I told Mac, motioning with a head tilt in Jackson''s direction.

    ¡°I¡¯ll be right back." Mac told me before walking towards them. "Stay right there."

    Upon reaching them, Mac shook hands with Claudine then began conversing with Anya and Jackson, ending any further attempts at provocation. A few minutes later, Mac returned to where I stood.

    ¡°I told them I was asking for a continuance in consideration of a deposition and asked if they had any dates they might be available for that.¡± Mac informed me.

    ¡°This might be a stupid question, but what¡¯s a deposition?¡±

    ¡°We meet in a private setting and pose questions to them before the hearing.¡± He told me. ¡°They¡¯re pretty costly¡ªwould run you about five thousand dollars¡­but, I don¡¯t think we¡¯ll need it. I just wanted to give them something to think about.¡±

    ¡°I have the money for a deposition¡ªcost is not a factor.¡± I told Mac. ¡°Based on the prior history of their lack of courtroom decorum, they''ll lie about me again¡ªI guarantee it. They don¡¯t fear perjury or the repercussions of doing so. Even the judge will protect them by not seeking the truth. I don''t want to go through another kangaroo court hearing.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re going to win this, Landyn.¡± Mac told me. ¡°It¡¯s an unnecessary cost to you.¡±

    ¡°But wouldn''t it be easier to catch them in a lie with a deposition?¡± I countered. ¡°If we depose them and they give an inconsistent answer to the same question during the hearing, couldn¡¯t we prove to the court they¡¯re lying?¡±

    ¡°The judge already knows they have an incentive to lie--it''s a fact they''re both cheaters.¡±

    ¡°They had an incentive to lie last time and look what happened?¡± I pleaded, throwing my hands in the air. ¡°The judge overlooked the fact their godforsaken marriage was a lie¡ªchoosing instead to judge me for my written response to the order while ignoring all the lies and half-truths she told.¡±

    ¡°Did you send a written response to this particular restraining order?¡± he asked.

    ¡°Are you kidding? No way!¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re gonna be just fine.¡± He reassured me, placing a hand on my shoulder. "As long as you keep your emotions in check, there¡¯s no way you can lose¡ªwe won¡¯t need a deposition.¡±

    I nodded. ¡°Okay, I trust your judgment, Mac.¡±

    Mac then instructed me to sit outside the courtroom while he went inside to request the continuance from the judge. Since my presence wasn''t required, I took a seat next to a water fountain and waited for Mac''s return. Ten minutes later, Jackson suddenly appeared, pushing through the courtroom doors and walking up to the water fountain to feign getting a sip of water.

    ¡°Oh, we¡¯re gonna sue you for all the lies you wrote about us.¡± He told me before leaning in to take a sip from the fountain. ¡°We¡¯re gonna sue you for slander.¡±

    I nodded. ¡°Please be my guest. I didn¡¯t write anything that was knowingly false¡ªonly repeating what your wife told me about you.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m gonna fuckin'' own you, Mr. Lastman.¡± He reiterated after lifting himself from the fountain, wiping at his mouth.

    ¡°Even if you won, Jackson, I can promise you this much.¡± I told him before standing up then shaking my head. ¡°You¡¯ll never see a dime.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m gonna wreck your life you miserable prick.¡± He proclaimed, a crooked smile forming on his face.

    When he said this, it dawned on me to grab my phone to capture his provocations. If I had this on video, I could prove to the court he was the aggressor.

    After quickly removing the phone from my pocket, I centered it on Jackson¡¯s Botox reddened face before engaging the video function by pressing a red round button on the screen to start recording¡ªmy first time using this feature.

    ¡°You got anything else to say, Mister Jackson Caiaphas?¡± I sarcastically inquired as his eyes widened.

    After realizing his fatal error, he muttered something before scurrying away like the greasy rat he was.

    After Mac requested and was granted another continuance, a new trial date was set for two weeks out without any plans for a deposition beforehand. I then informed Mac of the incident with Jackson recorded on my phone. After requesting to see it, I tried playing it for him but the video displayed only a black screen, losing my chance at providing evidence to the court of his violent behavior. After this unfortunate failure, I again reiterated to Mac I was more than willing to pay the cost of a deposition if it provided us with a way to catch them in a lie--or at least help him properly defend me during the hearing. A deposition would also provide a glimpse into their legal strategy and give us time to prove their arguments had no basis in the truth. After Mac again strongly suggested it was not needed, I leaned more heavily on his judgment. And why shouldn''t I? I had an attorney this time around and the truth was on my side. How could I not feel confident about winning this? Of course, Jackson and Anya had powerful people in their corner, and other than Donald Holbert, I had no idea who else was willing to believe them and protect their lies. All they had to do was paint me as a "family killer" and the powerful would only assume their "friends" were innocent victims. One thing was certain after this trial was all said and done, I''d likely meet the real Anya.

    On the day of the hearing, after going through the courthouse''s security check, I realized my phone was still in the car. I then raced down the escalator to retrieve it, afraid I might be late. When I reached the bottom of the escalator, I lightly patted my suit pocket to make sure the necklace was still within its pouch. As I approached the security checkpoint, I looked up to see Mr. and Mrs. Caiaphas passing through it on the opposite side. When Jackson noticed me, he mockingly stuck out his tongue. As he taunted me, I thought Anya would tell him to knock it off, but she failed to admonish her master, allowing him to antagonize me as he pleased. All I could do was shake my head and continue the trek to grab my phone; basking in the confidence that after today, the shit show they put on for the folks was coming to its end¡ªthe lies of their marriage no longer hurting those who trusted them ever again.

 CHAPTER 44 ~ TRIAL OF "THE PASSION PARTICLE" - PART I

    ¡°You may be tired, but you''re not so very old.

    We can make changes to the course of this road.

    If you¡¯re keeping your heart and mind open,

    and never stop wishing and hoping.

    Our children depend on us all.

    Let¡¯s teach them to answer the call.

    Time is running fast,

    but we''re learning at last.

    Let your heart always shine

    and keep it with mine.

    ~ ¡°Keep It With Mine¡± Threshold

    Upon returning to the courtroom, Mac was there waiting for me pointing at his watch. After apologizing and letting him know my reason for being late, he teased me about my lack of video taking skills. A small group of people waited outside the courtroom on this day so Jackson was unable to taunt me any further. Mac tapped me on the shoulder when he noticed the courtroom doors open and people started quickly filing inside. Watching the door, I saw Anya behind Claudine Courtney walking with Jackson right behind her but when she saw me, a look of fear filled her face before entering. What surprised me wasn¡¯t only the look on her face but the fact she made eye contact with me, something she hasn¡¯t done before in court. Was she really afraid of me or was she putting on an act? When Jackson put his hand on her shoulder to guide her inside, I still didn¡¯t know what to make of it. Was she afraid this hearing would reveal things she possibly never communicated to Jackson about us? That this would all get back to her children? Why was I suddenly feeling bad for her at a time I couldn¡¯t afford to? Seeing the look on her face, not knowing what it meant, puzzled me to a point I started craving a pill for the first time in over a year.

    Seeing all those inside the courtroom, it seemed a long day in court awaited us. Five minutes after we entered, the bailiff instructed us to stand for the honorable Maria Ann Moone. When the long dark-haired judge, wearing an oversized robe, appeared, I raised my eyes to the sky knowing how my last experience with a female judge, and likely mother, went. Looking over at Mac, he smiled wryly before patting me on the back seemingly reassuring ¡°it won¡¯t matter¡±. The minute Judge Moone sat down she got right down to business, and an hour later, we had the courtoom to ourselves after all others quickly received continuances or dismissals. At that point, the court clerk, a petite, blonde short-haired female stood before us and started. speaking.

    ¡°Number Nine on Department Fifteen¡¯s calendar.¡± she announced. ¡°Anya Caiaphas, Landyn Lastman, NQ-Zero-Two-Three-Five-Two-Eight.¡±

    ¡°Let¡¯s have the parties and counsel take their seats...well, stand at the counsel table.¡± Instructed Judge Moone as she hovered above us. ¡°Let the record reflect the parties are present at the counsel table. I¡¯ll have counsel state their appearances.¡±

    ¡°Claudine Courtney, on behalf of petitioner, Anya Caiaphas.¡±

    ¡°Mac Simon on behalf of the respondent, Landyn Lastman.¡±

    ¡°Okay.¡± Acknowledged Judge Moone. ¡°Parties raise their right hands to be sworn in.¡±

    The bailiff cleared his throat before speaking. ¡°You do, and each of you, solemnly state that the testimony you may give in the case now pending before the court shall be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?¡±

    As Anya and I both replied ¡°I do.¡± it was hard to believe after our deeply loving relationship that these words would be announced before a judge rather than a priest. I had to give Anya credit this time--she didn¡¯t meekly reply like she did at the first restraining order hearing, providing hope she may be honest this time around.

    ¡°All right.¡± said Judge Moone before we sat down. ¡°We¡¯re here on a request for a restraining order that was filed by the petitioner on December Sixth, Two Thousand Seventeen. I don¡¯t believe any temporary orders were issued. And there is a stipulation for the relationship between the parties that it was a dating relationship.¡±

    ¡°So stipulated, your Honor.¡± Replied Mac.

    Judge Moone nodded her head before continuing. ¡°All right. You can call your first witness, Miss Courtney.¡±

    ¡°We would call Landyn Lastman, your Honor.¡±

    Before I could even stand, Mac stuck out his arm to signal me to stop, then cleared his throat before addressing the court. ¡°Your Honor, I would ask for an offer of proof. The application for the temporary order was denied and there has been no change that we¡¯re aware of for the court to consider.¡±

    Mac¡¯s attempt to quash the proceedings before they began caught me by surprise. He was right though¡ªhow could this case even be heard? Our relationship was several years ago now, and we''re no longer in a "dating" relationship¡ªa stipulation for this type of restraining order request. I also never reached out to Anya or Jackson; another stipulation not met. This was clearly not a restraining order type case but rather a case for slander or libel. The problem for them was that absolutely nothing I wrote was knowingly false and the story was essentially an unpublished work pitched as fiction, although it wasn¡¯t. For the judge to decide on hearing their request for a restraining order made me extremely suspicious of it being another inside job, especially now knowing of Donald Holbert¡¯s unmeasured involvement.

    ¡°Well, no, that¡¯s not how it works, Counsel.¡± Judge Moone responded, shaking her head. ¡°If the temporary orders are not granted, it¡¯s because the court wants to hear evidence. There is not enough of a showing or there is not enough of an emergency for the court to issue temporary orders. So, I don¡¯t need an offer of proof at this point.¡±

    Mac did not nod or appear to accept the judge¡¯s ruling before sitting down in quiet resignation.

    ¡°So, Mr. Lastman, come on up to the witness stand please.¡± She instructed as I rose before walking over to the witness chair. ¡°Stop right there, raise your right hand to be sworn.¡±

    When she asked for me to raise my right hand to be sworn in, it started to feel a little strange¡ªdidn''t we just do this a few minutes ago? Why was she asking me to do this twice when the only liars in the room were the cheaters requesting the restraining order? After she quickly shut down Mac¡¯s common sense inquiry, there was a foreboding sense of familiarity with this process, making me wary of what was to come. They were requesting a stay away order after staying away from them for over six years? There was no evidence supporting any action by me warranting a stay away order request. What was she really seeking?

    The female court clerk stood up and looked me in the eyes before speaking. ¡°Landyn Lastman, called as a witness by the people, do you solemnly swear that the testimony you may give in the case now pending before this court shall be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?¡±

    ¡°I do.¡± I stated loudly, stopping myself from asking why I needed to repeat this.

    ¡°State your full name, please and spell your last name.¡± she continued.

    ¡°Landyn Lastman. L-A-S-T-M-A-N.¡± I anxiously obliged.

    Judge Moone looked to Claudine Courtney then nodded. ¡°You may proceed.¡±

    ¡°Thank you.¡±

    As Claudine approached, I saw Anya sitting directly before me and Jackson fidgeting about in his seat right behind her. Seeing Anya in my direct line of sight brought me back to the many times we couldn''t take our eyes off each other. How to this very day I still found it impossible to not recall our dinner in San Francisco--her eyes gazing into mine with excitement and wonder; how her presence alone made me feel like the luckiest man in the world. Now, here we were again before one another, but looking through each other, disconnected by her design; bringing to life her veiled threat that evening ¡°I don¡¯t understand why you wouldn¡¯t move on.¡± If she could never understand why I couldn¡¯t move on from the way she made me feel at the times her eyes were lost in mine, she couldn''t have ever understood anything about my love for her. I wanted her to stand up and push back on Jackson, and all others in the courtroom, and announce the truth about me, the truth about us. How our love was beyond unworthy of this kind of acknowledgement. I wanted the woman, who claimed she believed in our love, to make a stand while I took the stand. She knew I didn¡¯t belong up here and how my place should be occupied instead by the man shadowing her. But, I was never Anya¡¯s master, Jackson was. I didn''t pay her bills or provide for her children, he did--the pact she made with him to stay together because of that alone. Unknown to me, Anya was high maintenance, if not for herself anymore, for her kids, and Jackson bought her years ago after leading me to believe for two years nothing could be further from the truth. As I sat before her once again, the schism between the Anya I still loved and the Anya who hid the truth was all too real, but was she ever real? The one side, carrying within my suit pocket my love for her, and the other side, the disconnected one now staring through her, who felt duped, betrayed, manipulated, controlled, gaslit and lied to. On this day, I could only hope the second part of me dies, just so the part dwelling inside my suit pocket survives.

    ¡°Mr. Lastman, are you familiar with the person by the name of Anya Caiaphas?¡± Asked Claudine.

    ¡°Yes, I am.¡±

    ¡°And is Anya Caiaphas sitting to my left?¡±

    ¡°Yes.¡± I replied, giving a quick nod before getting lost in her for a few seconds.

    ¡°Some time around Two-Thousand and Six did you meet Mrs. Caiaphas?¡±

    ¡°Yes.¡± I responded, not having to think about it.

    ¡°And did you begin at that time a brief relationship with her?¡±

    ¡°A two year relationship.¡± I quickly responded, agitated by the question.

    ¡°Is that a ¡°yes¡±¡±?

    ¡°It¡¯s actually a ¡°No¡±.¡± I reiterated shaking my head, frustrated by her characterization knowing Jackson couldn''t even remain faithful to her within the first two years of their marriage. ¡°A two year relationship is not a brief relationship. It was a significant relationship. Sorry.¡±

    ¡°Between the years Two-Thousand and Six and Two-Thousand and Seventeen, have you had restraining orders issued against you? Preventing you from contacting Mrs. Caiaphas?¡± Claudine Courtney dug in further, attempting to incite me.

    ¡°I did for the years Two-Thousand and Eleven to Two-Thousand and Sixteen--ending October Two-Thousand and Sixteen.¡± I clarified, hoping to expose Claudine¡¯s exagerration tactics to Judge Moone.

    ¡°Did you have an order in Two-Thousand and Nine?¡± she pressed further.

    ¡°No¡­at least not that I was aware of. I didn¡¯t receive any kind of notification.¡± I answered.

    ¡°All right." interrupted Judge Moone. "So, for the court¡¯s information, are we talking about orders NQ-Zero-One-Three-Four-Three that appears to have been earlier in Two-Thousand Nine?¡±

    ¡°Yes, your Honor.¡± confirmed Claudine.

    ¡°And then there was a separate criminal protective order?¡± Judge Moone inquired further, her eyes looking down at a document before her.

    ¡°Correct.¡± verified Courtney.

    ¡°In Three-LG-Zero-One-Four-One?¡±

    ¡°I believe, Yes.¡± replied Claudine, sounding a bit unsure. ¡°There was a criminal complaint filed against him.¡±

    ¡°That would be for the Three-LG case?¡±

    ¡°That was for the violation, your Honor.¡± added Courtney, perking up a bit.

    ¡°Okay. Actually, I¡¯ll have my courtroom assistant pull those two files, and then the court will take judicial notice.¡± Judge Moone stated, her oversized black robe sleeves flapping about. ¡°All right. Go ahead and proceed.¡±

    Claudine Courtney jumped on this opportunity to misdirect Judge Moone who seemed unprepared, if not entirely unfamiliar with my case, into believing there were two restraining orders granted against me and I was guilty of violating one of them. The alleged violation should not even be brought to the court¡¯s attention--it was dismissed after finishing the diversion program. Why would I go through the time and trouble accepting then successfully completing a diversion program if the court would just look upon it being the same as a conviction? Claudine¡¯s purposeful mention of it should immediately be stricken from the record. Her intentional mischaracterization of the history of granted restraining orders against me spanning over eleven years instead of five was why the dedications were posted in the first place! Notwithstanding the general frivolousness nature of her line of questioning--even after removing the dedications entirely from the website. Was her strategy to misguide Judge Moone for the true reason why the dedications were removed? To get her to believe they were taken down by me because they were not true? That I removed them to try to save my ass from a defamation charge instead of taking them down solely for Katie and Andrew''s sake? As an intense agitation grew within, I fought back against the building disgust, trying desperately to avoid giving a potentially biased and easily duped female judge all the evidence she needed to find me worthy of another five year restraining order¡ªjust for writing dedications to defend myself.

    ¡°Mr. Lastman.¡± continued Claudine, her eyes glaring into mine. ¡°You were convicted in this very court house of a violation of the restraining order issued against you; correct?¡±

    ¡°No.¡± I stated, shaking my head, my eyes never leaving hers. ¡°I was never convicted for violating the restraining order.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m going to object.¡± interjected Mac. ¡°It calls for a legal conclusion.¡±

    ¡°Counsel, let me just take judicial notice of the file once I get it.¡± answered Judge Moone to address Claudine Courtney, ignoring Mac. ¡°Just move on with your questioning.¡±

    ¡°Okay. The order of protection that was issued against you in Orange County expired in October of Two-Thousand Sixteen, correct?¡± Claudine asked me.

    I nodded. ¡°That¡¯s correct.¡±

    ¡°And in November of Two-Thousand Sixteen, you authored a book by the title of ¡°The Passion Particle¡±; Correct?¡±

    I leaned in to the microphone before speaking. ¡°Yes, I did.¡±

    ¡°Passion what?¡± inquired Judge Moone.

    ¡°Passion Particle.¡± Claudine verified.

    ¡°The Passion Particle¡±. I chimed in, smiling, finding it comical having my novel¡¯s title mentioned in the courtroom.

    ¡°Your Honor, I¡¯m going to object.¡± interrupted Mac who adjusted his glasses before addressing me. ¡°Mr. Lastman, if you could wait until I¡¯ve had a chance to object. I¡¯ll object¡ªtoo vague as to time.¡±

    ¡°I thought Counsel said November of two thousand sixteen?¡± wondered Judge Moone, genuinely confused.

    ¡°I did.¡± Claudine Courtney confirmed.

    Judge Moone then shook her head. ¡°Overruled.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯ve been writing the book since two thousand fourteen.¡± I offered--maybe not the best of ideas.

    ¡°And you published what?¡± Claudine posed to me.

    ¡°I publish a chapter every¡­about two a month.¡± I responded, trying to be as accurate as possible. ¡°But now I¡¯ve been so busy, it¡¯s once a month if I even post chapters at all. I really don¡¯t have the time to do it much anymore.¡±

    ¡°So, the book, ¡°The Passion Particle¡±, is a fictitious book, correct?¡±

    After this question, Anya peered up at me with a look of defeat in her eyes. Here was my chance to bury her for not disclosing all she should have told me before allowing me to fall deeply in love with her. To avenge for all her half truths, for telling me she was only there because no one would be with her if she were to leave without telling me she was there for what Jackson provides her kids with. For her decision to not disclose the reasons for her never leaving a philanderer without telling me it was because she believes she''s better than the general public--who have left their spouses for much less. For allowing me to fall deeply in love with her before she went to Tenerife with her husband, leaving me feeling abandoned and even betrayed. For telling me she missed me, yet went on a girls trip to Mammoth, choosing not to contact me until I started to wonder and ask questions. For allowing me to fall madly in love with her without telling me an adult decision to be together would rest in the hands of a twelve and ten year old. Here was my chance to put an end to her lies forever. To let her know the kind of man she married, is the one she should do these unfathomable things to. To show her if she thought Jackson coming after me, an honest man, was a rational act of protecting her, she had it wrong. I know what love is and I know it would never cheat on her, unlike the scumbag behind her.

    ¡°That¡¯s correct.¡± I perjured myself. ¡°It¡¯s my life story and a bit of a memoir, but ultimately it¡¯s a book of fiction.¡±

    I couldn''t pull the trigger--the book wasn''t about venegance; it was about telling my story and to hopefully help those who may find themselves in the same predicament. It was an opportunity to clarify the nature of the book as well to protect her privacy, remembering I described it as a "ninety percent" true story before removing the dedications. For some reason, I recalled the time she tracked me down in Vegas, even showing up at my hotel with her daughter after losing my phone and couldn''t respond to her. Anya did do some very loving things for me, that time being one of them--the reason why the necklace rests against my heart at this moment. Hoping maybe her love will somehow shine through the darkness of these proceedings--revealing why she sent me the heart pendant. Sometimes the pain I felt made me forget the times I failed her. But If I couldn''t have her with me forever, all I wanted was her honesty before falling in love with her, so I''d at least know what to expect, if not the ending to our story. She denied me the chance to understand her decision by choosing not to disclose the real reasons she was still with Jackson, even after asking for them too. I trusted her with my life the same way she trusted me with hers, but losing all the hope I ever had in the goodness of this world, even bringing me to the point of hating women was entirely underserved and maddening knowing the man behind her deserved to feel these things.Unauthorized use: this story is on Amazon without permission from the author. Report any sightings.

    ¡°That book was published on a book publishing website, correct?¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s correct.¡± I told Claudine.

    ¡°And isn¡¯t it true that on November Twenty-First Two-Thousand Sixteen, you published a dedication to that book to Katie and Andrew Caiaphas?¡±

    I nodded. ¡°Among others, yes.¡±

    ¡°And who are Katie and Andrew Caiaphas?¡±

    ¡°That is Anya¡¯s and Jackson¡¯s daughter and son.¡±

    ¡°You don¡¯t know them personally, do you?¡±

    ¡°No, I don¡¯t.¡± I told her, ready to throw a monkey wrench in her line of questioning. ¡°But I was invited to Katie¡¯s recital some years back.¡±

    ¡°Sir, I¡¯m going to ask you a direct question, if you don¡¯t mind answering.¡± said Claudine as she began approaching me.

    Taken aback by Claudine giving me the option to answer, I propped myself up. ¡°Sure.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m sorry, I missed the connection.¡± interceded Judge Moone. ¡°So, Katie and Andrew Caiaphas are Mrs. Caiaphas¡¯s children?¡±

    ¡°Correct.¡± Replied Claudine.

    ¡°Okay.¡±

    How did Judge Moone miss this obvious connection? Was she paying attention? Or did she realize, as much as I did, this trial was an absolute joke¡ªthat there was something else going on here.

    ¡°And in that dedication to Katie and Andrew Caiaphas.¡± Continued Claudine, stepping close to the stand. ¡°You tell them, or you publish, that their father is a classic manipulator, narcissist, sociopath and psychopath. Correct?¡±

    I couldn¡¯t recall if I described Jackson as such in their dedication, but I did in Jackson¡¯s. Which led me to believe, Katie and Andrew didn¡¯t see the dedication I wrote them, but Jackson surely did. When she asked me this question, I wanted to respond with oh you mean those same things he called me when he actually contacted my father? Claudine had the letter; she could see it for herself. And I never sent my dedication to Katie and Andrew, published just like placing it in a bottle and throwing it into the Pacific¡ªbelieving no realistic chance of it ever reaching them existed. Gazing upon Anya, in my heart and mind, why I fought so hard for her to see the good in us, she was the true victim of his manipulative, narcissistic, sociopathic and psychopathic ways. He was still manipulating her believing loving a man, like myself, who would¡¯ve never dreamt of dishonoring her, was no good for her or her kids. Anya was unwilling to accept these traits of her husband because she would have to break the heart of her kids. I just wish she made me aware of this before allowing and encouraging me to fall deeply in love with her. As Jackson stared me down from behind her, my disgust with his fake self-righteousness inspired a pointed response.

    ¡°The shoe fits. Correct.¡± I nodded. ¡°Now did Katie and Andrew actually see the dedication? Sounds to me like only their father saw it.¡±

    ¡°Well, hang on a second, Sir. That¡¯s not the question. You don¡¯t get to ask the questions, actually.¡± Judge Moone told me.

    ¡°I¡¯m sorry.¡± I replied, putting my hands in the air to assure her I was doing my best to maintain decorum in her courtroom. In my mind, the question had no relevancy in a request for a restraining order hearing. It was an opinion of mine and if you believe it¡¯s false, then sue me for slander. Why is this being asked in a restraining order hearing?

    ¡°I¡¯m sure your attorney warned you, and I will warn you as well that when the court rules on matters, they consider not only what is said in the courtroom but how people act in the courtroom¡± Continued Judge Moone, leading me to have Teri Shamm flashbacks.

    ¡°I understand.¡± I told her, fighting back the urge to ask if it¡¯s okay to defend myself.

    ¡°Alright. So, wait for the question.¡± She scolded further. ¡°Do you have a copy of the dedication you want to mark as an exhibit?¡±

    ¡°Yes, your Honor.¡± replied Claudine Courtney, pulling out a piece of paper from a folder. ¡°I have a court copy. If the court would like a copy¡ªI gave counsel a copy. I was going to make one.¡±

    ¡°Alright, so we¡¯ll mark Katie and Andrew¡¯s dedication as Petitioner¡¯s Exhibit Number One.¡± Acknowledged Judge Moone after Claudine handed her a pack of documents or future exhibits. ¡°Okay, please continue your questioning, Counsel.¡±

    ¡°This dedication that you authored for Katie and Andrew Caiaphas, you also state that their mother and father¡¯s marriage is not founded on love, but rather fear and deceit.¡± Stated Claudine, reading from a piece of paper she held while facing me. ¡°That their marriage lacks loyalty, trust and respect that has simply hurt and disrupted lives around it, correct?¡±

    ¡°You can include my life in that statement as well.¡± I replied, unable to contain my emotions.

    ¡°You also indicated in that dedication they needed to know their mother is a victim of emotional abuse from the destructive mind of their father. Correct?¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s correct.¡± I replied, feeling a sense of duty. All because she fell in love with a man who honored her, unlike her husband, didn¡¯t mean she didn¡¯t love her children.

    ¡°Counsel, if you could just point to which paragraph¡± interjected Judge Moone, using her index finger while scanning the document.

    ¡°Sure, your Honor. On the third page sort of the middle section.¡± Directed Claudine.

    ¡°Alright. Found it. Thank you.¡±

    ¡°Sure.¡±

    I wanted to advise the Judge to read the entire dedication so Claudine¡¯s choice paragraphs weren¡¯t taken out of context¡ªa tactic she used in the past. What I wrote in the dedications didn¡¯t come out of thin air to harass anyone but only meant to defend myself from their harassments. I knew what she was attempting to do and I refused to allow it this time.

    ¡°You indicate that their father has disrespected, dishonored and shamed Mrs. Caiaphas for years. Correct?¡± She continued.

    ¡°From what Anya has told me about him¡ªthat is correct.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m asking you whether you put this in your dedication.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m just letting the court know what I wrote was not known to be false¡ªit was what I was told. The reason why I¡¯m sitting here today answering your questions.¡± I told her. ¡°And the answer to this question is ¡°yes¡±.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m going to mark as Exhibit Number Two the dedication to Jackson Caiaphas.¡± Claudine notified Judge Moone.

    ¡°I¡¯m sorry, which one? Because the one I have in the package says dedication to Anya Caiaphas.¡± Inquired Judge Moone, a look of confusion on her face again.

    ¡°I¡¯m going to skip over that one. It should be the third one.¡±

    ¡°Okay. Sorry.¡± Said Judge Moone, marking the exhibit. ¡°Go ahead, Counsel.¡±

    ¡°Thank you.¡± Replied Claudine, clearing her throat before addressing me again. ¡°Did you, in fact, author a dedication to Mr. Caiaphas, in your book, ¡°The Passion Particle¡±?¡±

    I nodded before speaking. ¡°Yes, I did.¡±

    ¡°And this dedication was also published on the publishing website?¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s correct.¡±

    ¡°And isn¡¯t it true that in this dedication you state that Mr. Caiaphas cheated on his wife when she was pregnant with their second child, correct?¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s what I was told. Yes.¡± I nodded.

    ¡°I¡¯m just asking if you have written this.¡± Stated Claudine, agitated.

    ¡°Yes, I did.¡± I confirmed, offering no apology.

    I knew what Claudine Courtney was trying to do¡ªto convince the court the statements I wrote were knowingly false. If they were successful in this endeavor, Jackson could make good on his threat and sue me for slander. It also seemed Judge Moone was unaware the dedications were taken down after Claudine asked me to remove them¡ªangling to the court that they were still up on the website. Unsure if that should be made known, I didn¡¯t know if I should be the one to address that while on the stand or if Mac should mention it. Why were we discussing dedications that were no longer up on the website? And who, if anyone, actually read them?

    ¡°You state in this dedication that his cheating ways caused his wife such great distress that their son was born prematurely. Correct?¡±

    Looking over at Anya, knowing all she told me that allowed my feelings to grow so substantially, I struggled responding to this question. When she told me Andrew was born prematurely, it really made me feel closer to her because I knew the stress of Jackson¡¯s cheating ate her alive. My empathy for Anya was never greater when she shared Andrew¡¯s premature birth with me. When Anya gazed upon me, our eyes meeting for the first time in years, all I could do was nod.

    ¡°Yes.¡± I responded.

    ¡°You stated in that dedication that Jackson Caiaphas was so remorseful after his son could have died from his premature birth and wrecked another man¡¯s marriage that in fact, he cheated again; correct?¡±

    ¡°Yes.¡± I replied, again meeting Anya¡¯s gaze.

    ¡°You stated in this dedication that Mr. Caiaphas has abused his wife emotionally for years and exerted financial and emotional control over her during their marriage; correct?¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t recall using those words specifically but I would say correct to that too.¡±

    ¡°And you indicate that these are two acts of domestic violence punishable by law, correct?¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s what I¡¯ve learned while in my DV class. Yes.¡±

    ¡°You state that Mr. Caiaphas has emotionally blackmailed his wife with threats to kill himself if she left and to fight for the kids and give her the business, correct?¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s what I was told. Yep.¡± I replied, nodding.

    ¡°You indicate that Mr. Caiaphas is a narcissist, correct?¡±

    ¡°You¡¯ve asked me that already.¡±

    ¡°In this dedication, Sir.¡±

    Before answering I looked over at Jackson, who appeared to be fuming inside.

    I nodded before responding. ¡°Yes.¡±

    ¡°A psychopath.¡±

    ¡°Absolutely.¡±

    ¡°You also authored a dedication to Anya Caiaphas, which I¡¯m going to mark as Petitioner¡¯s Three.¡±

    ¡°Petitioner Three?¡± Asked Judge Moone while marking on a piece of paper.

    ¡°Yes.¡± Claudine acknowledged. ¡°And that dedication was also published on the website, correct?¡±

    ¡°Yes, that¡¯s correct.¡±

    ¡°And in the dedication you refer back from the dedicated party, in this case Anya Caiaphas, to the character of the book. Correct?¡±

    ¡°I did initially. Yes.¡±

    ¡°And you did that with the other dedications as well, correct?¡¯

    ¡°I did before removing them from the publishing website.¡± I replied, deciding to make it known to Judge Moone the dedications could no longer be viewed by anyone on the website.

    ¡°I¡¯m asking if you indicated that in your dedications?¡± Asked Claudine, perplexed I through a wrench in her strategy.

    ¡°Yes, I did initially before their removal.¡± I reiterated.

    ¡°And the dedication was posted this past November, correct?¡±

    ¡°That sounds about right.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m going to mark for exhibit Petitioner¡¯s Exhibit Number Four.¡± Announced Claudine as Judge Moone marked up the document in front of her. ¡°You also authored a dedication in the book ¡°The Passion Particle¡±, to a Judicial Officer Teri Shamm?¡±

    ¡°I did, yes.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯ll object as to relevance.¡± Interjected Mac.

    ¡°What¡¯s the offer of proof as to this exhibit?¡± Inquired Judge Moone, appearing annoyed.

    ¡°Your Honor, there is information contained in this dedication that will correspond to other online posts indicating the corruption between Mr. Caiaphas and Teri Shamm and Prosecutor Donald Holbert.¡± Claudine informed Judge Moone.

    ¡°What does that have to do with the request for a domestic violence restraining order between your client and Mr. Lastman?¡±

    For the first time it finally happened¡ªa judge questioned Claudine Courtney. Although I found it relevant from the standpoint Judge Moone would have a better understanding why I wrote the dedications, at the same time, how was it relevant to a request for a restraining order? It seemed the kangaroo Claudine tried to introduce to Judge Moone was about to be removed from the proceedings.

    ¡°Just that, in fact, there is a pattern of behavior that links the Judicial Officer.¡± Responded Claudine. ¡°I¡¯m not going to go through the Judicial Officer¡¯s dedication, but there is this idea that my client¡¯s husband is in collusion with elected officials to somehow harm him.¡±

    I saw right through Claudine¡¯s strategy, hoping to connect my disenchantment with Judicial Officer Shamm with Judge Moone¡ªhow she could possibly become a dedication as well. This ¡°collusion with elected officials¡± was not something I dreamt up¡ªthere was collusion with elected and unelected officials in some capacity. How else could I have received a five-year restraining order without laying a finger on the protected parties and never threatening to unless in self-defense? I witnessed it with my own eyes in court, how the other judge gave fair rulings before bringing me into Teri Shamm¡¯s private courtroom. The City Prosecutor of Long Beach was not only a tenant of Jackson¡¯s but also a friend through the Cancer Society. There was no question Jackson colluded with those in power to come after me, just like Anya warned me he would before letting her master do so.

    ¡°I¡¯m going to sustain the relevancy objection at this point.¡± Judge Moone ruled. ¡°It¡¯s marked for identification only.¡±

    At this point? What did that mean? It¡¯s either ¡°sustained¡± or ¡°overruled¡± and that¡¯s the end of it. There should never be ¡°at this point¡±. I didn¡¯t care for Judge Moone¡¯s response much, fearing another unfair hearing coming my way.

    ¡°I¡¯m going to mark what has been marked as identified as Exhibit Number Five, which is a topics forum chat with a Miranda Dobbins.¡± Courtney told the judge. ¡°And if I may approach, your Honor?¡±

    ¡°Yes.¡±

    As Claudine Courtney handed her the print out for Judge Moone to mark as the Fifth Exhibit, I recalled this was something Courtney brought to my attention. I had a sneaking suspicion who Miranda Dobbins was but never talked to the person anymore.

    After also handing me a copy of the forum chat, Claudine began her questioning.

    ¡°Showing you what has been previously marked as Petitioner¡¯s Exhibit Five, I¡¯d like you to take a minute to review the document.¡±

    ¡°Sure. Yeah, I mean. I don¡¯t know who wrote this.¡± I told Claudine. ¡°It wasn¡¯t me if that¡¯s what you¡¯re going to ask me.¡±

    ¡°Okay. Have you ever heard of this Topics forum?¡±

    ¡°I did when you mentioned it to me¡ªwhen I decided to search for it then deleted it. I also reported it as abuse to the website.¡±

    ¡°So, on August seventh two thousand twelve, there is someone by the name of Miranda Dobbins, from the city of Newport Beach that posts the following ¡°maybe Davies is being played by people who support him. That¡¯s a possibility. This may not all be on him. For instance, Jackson Caiaphas, who uses his name probably without his knowledge to get favors from Judicial Officer¡¯s like Teri Shamm. I guess, Jackson feels he should get some mileage out of his five hundred dollar campaign contribution to Davies. Davies may just be a victim of a corrupt business owner. That¡¯s a possibility I like better.¡±¡±.

    There was a time I suspected a police officer, Anya¡¯s neighbor and Carolyn¡¯s possible lover, was involved in aiding Jackson with the first restraining order. I ran into Mitch one night and told him about it. I also recalled him telling me he was dating a girl, Miranda, who lived near me in Newport Beach¡ªhoping we¡¯d hang out again. I was completely done with Mitch¡¯s immaturity at this point and far too depressed and too busy to deal with his antics anymore. There¡¯s no question Mitch, who was deeply engrossed in politics, was engaging with this political chat forum about that time frame. If I had done this, I would¡¯ve copped to it since I¡¯ve already admitted to everything else. Even if I did do it, what relevancy did it have to the dedications?

    ¡°Not me.¡± I restated, shaking my head.

    ¡°Your Honor, I would object to that as¡­¡± spoke Mac before clearing his throat. ¡°First of all, there is no question pending and I object to that and ask to have it struck from the record a not relevant.¡±

    ¡°Okay.¡± Acknowledged Judge Moone. ¡°Again, offer of proof, Counsel?¡±

    ¡°Your Honor, the dedication to Judicial Officer Shamm, the reference to Mr. Davies contained in the dedications clearly indicates that Mr. Lastman is the person who authored these false and defamatory public comments of corruption.¡±

    ¡°Are you saying that Miranda Dobbins is Mr. Lastman?¡± deducted Judge Moone.

    I nearly laughed out loud imagining a light bulb flickering above Judge Moone¡¯s head. If we were all playing the boardgame Clue, she would¡¯ve lost by now. The only thing missing from her deduction was a gulp just before she said ¡°Mr. Lastman¡±.

    ¡°Yes.¡± Claudine affirmed.

    ¡°All right, I¡¯ll give you some latitude on that.¡± Reasoned the Judge Moone. ¡°Objection is overruled, but you have to just go straight to the question with Mr. Lastman.¡±

    ¡°I said no, I don¡¯t know who Miranda Dobbins is.¡± I restated once again.

    ¡°Well, I¡¯m not asking who Miranda Dobbins is.¡± retorted Claudine. ¡°But, did you post this comment using a fictitious name of Miranda Dobbins in the City of Newport Beach?¡±

    ¡°No.¡±

    ¡°Have you ever lived in the city of Newport Beach?¡±

    ¡°Yes.¡±

    ¡°Who other than you, Mr. Lastman, has ever accused Mr. Caiaphas of corruption with Teri Shamm, to your knowledge?¡±

    Before I could say Mitch¡¯s name, Mac interceded.

    ¡°I¡¯ll object as to there is no way somebody can know who else has done this.¡± argued Mac. ¡°I¡¯m objecting to the form of that question as vague and unanswerable by my client.¡±

    ¡°Sustained.¡± Acknowledged Judge Moone.

    ¡°I¡¯m going to refer to what has been marked Exhibit Number Six and Exhibit Number Seven.¡± Claudine chimed. ¡°And these are going to be two printouts of online statements dated in two thousand twelve. One is from Ted Scape, July thirty-first two thousand twelve. The other document does not have an indicated date or author but it appears to be a continuation of this post.¡±

    ¡°Just so I can follow, your Honor.¡± Interrupted Mac, putting on his glasses while looking at the documents. ¡°Which one is six and which one is seven?¡±

    ¡°Six will be the one from Ted Scape written on July thirty-first two thousand twelve.¡± Clarified Judge Moone. ¡°The second one that is untitled having a similar type with be Petitioner¡¯s Seven.¡±

    ¡°May I approach?¡± Requested Claudine of Judge Moone.

    ¡°Yes.¡±

    After Claudine approached to look over the documents with the Judge, I kept my head down¡ªunable to look at Anya, attempting to desperately not to lose my shit. They had zero evidence of me writing these posts. I even took them down because Claudine brought them to my attention. I admitted to writing the dedications, why would I deny writing these if I did? If they didn¡¯t have an IP address with my name tied to it, then they had nothing. Looking at Judge Moone, she clearly lacked the technical know-how to rule on this type of hearing without any kind of expert or specialist testimony. There is no way Claudine could prove I posted these and therefore Judge Moone should not allow this harassment to take place in her courtroom¡ªand that what this was now¡ªpure harassment. All Claudine had was a hunch so how could it be that if I responded indifferently to this harassment, that Judge Moone would find me guilty not based on anything other than having an emotional response? All that should matter is the truth here and admitting to authoring the dedications should be the end of it, especially after removing everything from the internet I knew or was made aware of. I had no obligation to remove anything but did so because there was nothing left to gain.

    ¡°Mr. Lastman, I¡¯m going to ask you to review Exhibits Six and Seven.¡± Claudine told me, handing me the printouts.

    ¡°Sure. I didn¡¯t write any of these. I have no idea who Ted Scape is.¡± I explained, although I should¡¯ve waited for the question first. ¡°Again, I admit to writing the other stuff¡ªthe dedications, but I didn¡¯t write any of this.¡±

    ¡°Would you agree, Mr. Lastman, that¡­and let me know if you¡¯d like to refer to that again. That the contents contained in Exhibit Six and Exhibit Seven mirror your life?¡±

    Her ¡°mirror your life¡± hail mary left me shaking my head and smiling.

    ¡°I¡¯ll object as to relevance.¡± Mac announced, knowing the restraining order request was about the dedications and this other nonsense was just being used to rattle me. For all I knew, Jackson posted them claiming it was me who did.

    Judge Moone then looked over at Claudine Courtney before speaking. ¡°Offer of proof.¡±

    ¡°Your Honor, clearly our position is that there has been an ongoing campaign of harassment from Mr. Lastman to my client. We¡¯re going on ten years of this. The contents in these fictitious postings are all specifically related to Mr. Lastman and his relationship to Mrs. Caiaphas and her husband.¡± Claudine pleaded. ¡°There is nobody else who would have authored this sort of nonsense, And simply because it¡¯s listed with an alias doesn¡¯t mean that it¡¯s not Mr. Lastman authoring these sentiments and publishing them.¡±

    I seethed inside over Claudine¡¯s deductive reasoning. Everyone knew in this room, except Judge Moone, why this has been going on for ten years. This was not a campaign of ¡°harassment¡± but a maintenance of my innocence that was stolen from me with lies and half-truths. If Anya was going to lie about her feelings for me to her husband, then she harassed me the very first night we met¡ªwhen she approached me at Sonoma¡¯s. I never consented to a relationship, after all we shared, after she allowed and encouraged me to fall deeply in love with her, if would only choose to continue living a lie. That¡¯s not what I signed up for and she knew it. I couldn¡¯t deny that I still loved Anya, the moments we shared were just too special for me to stop caring¡ªshe truly was my soulmate. As angry as I was with her for all this led me to, I just couldn¡¯t pull my heart away from her no matter what my mind tried to tell me. And maybe that¡¯s what made me crazy and imperfect¡ªI don¡¯t know. Yet, here I was fighting alone, even fighting myself maybe more than anyone. The necklace in its pouch within my suit¡¯s pocket spoke the truth about my feelings while my own thoughts betrayed me. I wanted Anya to stand up and call out the ridiculousness in all of this, but she never did as her master watched over her.

    All because it¡¯s listed with an alias doesn¡¯t prove I authored them. If they didn¡¯t want to go through any of this, they shouldn¡¯t have gone through others to corrupt the legal process¡ªto preserve the lies of a marriage riddled with significant acts of unfaithfulness. These were never mistakes, but decisions they¡¯ve made. I suspected the author was Mitch, but didn¡¯t know for certain. These posts have been up for over five years and could¡¯ve easily been removed¡ªit took me just over three minutes after Claudine made me aware of them. The burden of proof rested with them, and they had none.

    ¡°Well, part of it is that it looks like it all kind of predates the criminal activity, the criminal case.¡± spoke Judge Moone. ¡°As well as I think that other Orange County case, if I have got the dates on it.¡±

    Criminal case? What criminal case? Was she referring to the allegations of violating the restraining order that was entirely dismissed after completing the diversion program? Her choice of words describing the legal process I¡¯ve endured made my blood boil. Her inaccurate description beyond reckless.

    ¡°So, I¡¯m not sure it¡¯s all that relevant to what this court has to decide today.¡± Judge Moone continued. ¡°I think the more relevant exhibits are the first three that were presented.¡±

    I nodded upon the Judge¡¯s ruling and breathed easier¡ªshe nailed it.

    ¡°So, on relevancy grounds, I¡¯m going to sustain it. If the door gets opened that¡¯s a different issue.¡± She finished.

    ¡°I have no further questions of Mr. Lastman.¡± Replied Claudine before sitting down at her table next to Anya.

    ¡°Any examination you want to make of your client?¡± Judge Moone then posed to Mac.

    Mac nodded then stood. ¡°I would like to reserve at this time, your Honor.¡±

    ¡°All right.¡± Acknowledged Judge Moone before addressing me. ¡°Sir, go ahead and take your seat at the counsel table.¡±

    I nodded and then stood. ¡°Okay. Thank you, your Honor.¡±

    When I sat down at my seat next to Mac, I wanted to ask him how he think it went but before I could, Judge Moone spoke.

    ¡°Counsel, would you like to present your next witness?¡±

    ¡°Yes, your Honor.¡± Said Claudine Courtney as she rose from her seat. ¡°Mr. Jackson Caiaphas.¡±

 CHAPTER 45 ~ TRIAL OF "THE PASSION PARTICLE" PART II

    ¡°Take my life away,

    or give back the answer you hold.

    and stand unashamed

    of what you have done.

    Don¡¯t just walk away,

    unlock the chains from your heart.

    Prove my innocence,

    cause I did no wrong.¡±

    ¡°Innocent¡± ~ Threshold

    ¡°Mr. Caiaphas, come on up and stand by the court reporter and raise your right hand.¡± instructed Judge Moone.

    I watched Jackson, storm his way to the witness stand like a five year old child having a hissy fit. Surprisingly, he didn¡¯t give me a sideway glance, too focused on his impassioned trot to the exact place I wanted him.

    ¡°You do solemnly swear that the testimony you may give in the case now pending before this court shall be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?¡± asked the bailiff.

    ¡°I do.¡± stated Jackson, succinctly.

    His direct "I do" gave me hope a dishonest man might see the seriousness in being questioned under oath. After all, being a Jewish man with a great reverence for God, he believed Jesus Christ was not the Messiah--unlike a Christian who believed Jesus Christ was the son of God and their sins would be forgiven through their belief in Him. So, if he bore false witness here based on the stricter belief system of Judaism, by lying under oath he would essentially forfeit eternity, all for just a moment in time. However, Jackson Caiaphas was legendary for his propensity to shatter vows he made to God.

    ¡°State your full name please and spell your last name.¡± requested Judge Moone.

    ¡°Jackson Caiaphas, C-A-I-A-P-H-A-S.¡±

    Judge Moone then nodded at Claudine. ¡°When you¡¯re ready.¡±

    As Claudine approached the witness stand, I leaned in with anticipation of the theatrics soon to be put on full display.

    ¡°Mr. Caiaphas, good morning.¡± Claudine greeted, as if such pleasantries weren¡¯t dispensed earlier to the psychopath who tried destroying my life with the help of others connected to the court system. ¡°Are you familiar with a person by the name of Anya Caiphas?¡±

    Jackson nodded. ¡°I am.¡±

    ¡°And who is Anya Caiaphas?¡±

    ¡°My wife of twenty-seven years.¡± he quipped.

    Twenty-seven years of dishonor and disloyalty, I told myself disgusted by his response. How he could even brag about that to anyone, knowing how his shitty marriage of twenty seven years affected my life, hit me in all the wrong places. Looking over at Mac, I hoped he''d object against this line of questioning on grounds of relevancy, or at least already known information, but he didn¡¯t say a word. I almost started laughing sarcastically but held it in, fearful Judge Moone would use it against me.

    ¡°Is she sitting to the left of me at the counsel table?¡± Claudine asked.

    ¡°Yes.¡±

    Another question that should¡¯ve raised the eyebrows of Judge Moone or Mac, went ignored by all, except me. Clearly, the court was aware Anya was Jackson¡¯s wife. Is this what the court needed to confirm? That Anya was Jackson¡¯s wife after a five year restraining order was granted to them? If the court didn¡¯t know this by now, incompetence ruled the California court system.

    ¡°During the course of your marriage, have you ever cheated on your wife?¡±

    Shaking his head. ¡°Never.¡±

    After his reply, it was plain to see the lying game was back on the docket--Jackson¡¯s goat horns showing. His answer to this question made me realize this was all being done for the kids. They actually believed their children would believe their father and mother would never lie in court. In their minds, all Anya and Jackson had to do was show them the court transcript and they¡¯d somehow believe their parents would never commit perjury. That their parents respected the rule of law far too much to do such a thing, especially personally knowing the City Prosecutor of Long Beach. Instead of being honest with their children, they came to court to bear false witness about others and spew lies about their own lives.

    ¡°During the course of your marriage did you ever cheat on you wife at which point it caused her to go into a¡­¡± Claudine suddenly pausing. ¡°Let me strike that question.¡±

    The question suggested a stressful event, like being cheated on, could cause a woman to give birth prematurely¡ªand Claudine didn¡¯t want to make that representation to the court. Secondly, she already asked Jackson if he cheated on his wife. When she asked this yet again then backtracked her question, it exposed the game they played. What did it cause Anya to go into? The near description of Anya¡¯s state during Jackson¡¯s infidelity within the question suggested a specific symptom of not only having a premature birth that I never mentioned¡ªgiving credence that Jackson lied about his fidelity. Did it dawn on Judge Moone why I would make any of this up? After looking over at Mac, he immediately stood up sensing my agitation.

    ¡°I¡¯ll object, your Honor, to the first question on relevance grounds.¡± stated Mac.

    Mac caught the contradictory nature of the second question and objected quickly to nullify the first question and Jackson¡¯s denying he ever cheated on Anya. If Jackson never cheated on Anya, as he claimed, then why was it necessary for Claudine to ask the second question?

    ¡°Overruled.¡± answered Judge Moone. ¡°The answer will stand.¡±

    Of course, I thought to myself as Claudine continued her quest to falsely prove I slandered Jackson instead of telling the truth about him.

    ¡°How many children do you have with your wife?¡± asked Claudine.

    ¡°Two.¡±

    ¡°And what are their names?¡±

    ¡°Andrew and Katie Caiaphas.¡±

    ¡°Were either of your children born prematurely?¡±

    ¡°No.¡±

    The more Jackson denied what I was told by Anya, the more I regretted not having them deposed. It would¡¯ve given us the opportunity to subpoena Andrew¡¯s birth records or request other documentation from the hospital to prove Andrew was born prematurely. Why would Anya ever lie to me about that?

    ¡°Have you ever emotionally abused your wife?¡± continued Claudine.

    ¡°No.¡±

    ¡°Objection, relevance.¡± interjected Mac.

    ¡°Overruled.¡± Responded Judge Moone.

    Where¡¯s the offer of proof that was required when I was on the stand? What did all of this have to do with a request for a restraining order? Did Judge Moone expect him to admit anything negative I wrote about him was true? The truth was, the only reason Judge Moone overruled Mac¡¯s objections was because she wanted me to call him a ¡°liar¡± so she could wrap this case up.

    ¡°Have you ever physically abused your wife?¡±

    ¡°Never.¡± responded Jackson, now even doubting the authenticity of his response to this question because he answered the cheating question in the same manner.

    ¡°Have you ever psychologically abused your wife, Anya Caiaphas?¡±

    ¡°Never.¡±

    ¡°Have you ever been diagnosed as a narcissist?¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t even know what a narcissist is.¡± He exclaimed.

    Jackson¡¯s political chops were on full display. He didn¡¯t know what a narcissist was? Someone please, grab a mirror for the man I thought while shaking my head.

    ¡°Have you ever been diagnosed as a psychopath?¡±

    ¡°Never.¡±

    Until this day in court, I never knew one needed to be diagnosed as a psychopath to be considered one. Funny how I was never diagnosed as one, but both Teri Shamm and Jackson Caiaphas accused me of being psychotic without an official ¡°diagnosis¡±. The more this obvious line of questioning continued, the more I risked imploding.

    ¡°Counsel, can I interrupt for a moment?¡± asked Judge Moone.

    Claudine nodded while the judge discussed another matter she was reviewing while listening to this nonsense, making sense why she asked earlier who Katie and Andrew were. I couldn¡¯t blame her for shifting her focus from Claudine¡¯s ridiculous line of questioning, but it gave me a needed break to gather my thoughts before buckling up again. If Judge Moone was preoccupied reviewing another matter while listening to this nonsense, was her mind for the most part made up? It just didn¡¯t make sense why she found this line of questioning relevant to their request for a restraining order because even if I slandered Jackson, which I did not, what¡¯s the point of going through every line item?

    ¡°Okay Counsel, you may resume.¡±

    ¡°Let me reask the question.¡± said Claudine, looking down before peering up at Jackson, who leaned in. ¡°Have you ever been diagnosed with any sort of personality disorder?¡±

    ¡°Never.¡±

    Although the more appropriate question would be ¡°have you ever been tested for a personality disorder¡±, it would require some internal honesty on their part. I just hoped Mac had questions lined up to catch him in the web of lies they were spinning.

    ¡°Same objection, your Honor.¡± chimed Mac. ¡°Relevance.¡±

    ¡°That will be overruled and I guess I¡¯ll deem it a continuing objection on the same line.¡± responded Judge Moone before addressing Claudine Courtney. ¡°I assume, Counsel, what you¡¯re doing is kind of going through what was put in the posts?¡±

    ¡°Correct, your Honor.¡±

    ¡°Okay, please continue.¡±

    This continued line of obvious questioning, as if Jackson would admit to any of it had nothing to do with what Judge Moone told us the court had to decide today. This was clearly a show put on for Katie and Andrew¡ªhoping to prove what I wrote was not true in their eyes. The truth was that Dad was not only a liar but a cheat. That Dad did destroy another man¡¯s marriage yet believed his was untouchable. Dad was such a piece of work, that Mom cheated on him not once but twice! The fact he would cheat on Anya alone, in my opinion, qualified him for psycho status. There was no question this slanderous line of questioning of my integrity was done to fool his children who may have actually believed me. And why wouldn¡¯t they? They lived the lie every single day, even Andrew feared his mother would just walk out on all of them¡ªsomething I¡¯d never allow her to do even if she wanted to. Anya knew she had to face the folks if we¡¯d ever be together. It¡¯s why I let her run the show¡ªso she had no argument for staying, yet her cowardice, on full display today, consumed her.

    Another reason for my disdain with this line of questioning was it was already submitted as an Exhibit and something I already admitted to authoring. A fair Judge wouldn¡¯t allow this kind of questioning to avoid the postings to be taken out of context¡ªwhich Judge Moone certainly knew Claudine was doing? Why not read the entire post since he¡¯s obviously going to deny everything I wrote? They wanted Judge Moone to believe everything I wrote was slander and flat out lies? What about the good stuff I wrote about Jackson being a hard working successful business man? Was that a lie too? And why was Mac allowing this? Did he strike a deal with Claudine I didn¡¯t know about? As Claudine continued to provoke me into breaking, I clutched at both sides of the bottom of my wooden chair and tried digging further in my foxhole.

    ¡°Mr. Caiaphas, have you ever blackmailed your wife, Anya, with threats of suicide if she ever left you?¡±

    Jackson shook his head, closing his eyes. ¡°Never.¡±

    ¡°Have you ever had any personal contact with Judicial Officer Teri Shamm?¡±

    ¡°I have not and don¡¯t know who that is.¡±

    Jackson¡¯s response was likely truthful here¡ªhis minion in sunglasses at court that day handled and arranged that. After Claudine posed this question, I hoped she asked about Donald Holbert¡ªa chance to catch Jackson in a lie.

    ¡°Have you ever been accused of any sort of corruption?¡±

    Jackson straightened his posture. ¡°Never.¡±

    ¡°Mr. Caiaphas, what is it that you do for a living?¡±

    ¡°I own commercial real estate and just started an audio-visual integration firm.¡±

    ¡°And would you indicate whether or not the business that you conduct requires due diligence?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m not sure I follow you.¡± Jackson answered genuinely.

    ¡°I mean, are there opportunities for your clients to do due diligence on you and your businesses?¡±

    ¡°Of course, absolutely.¡± he responded, perking up again.

    ¡°So, having false statements published on the internet could harm you or your businesses, correct?¡±

    ¡°Tremendously.¡± he replied, looking directly at me.

    I recalled specifically writing in the dedication how his personal past actions were not a reflection of his business practices¡ªonly pointing out the names of his businesses so his dedication would not be confused with another Jackson Caiaphas who lived in Massachusetts. Even after he wrecked my career at KSR, my beef was with Jackson Caiaphas as Anya¡¯s husband. My goal was never to take food out of the mouths of his children. Although he was a fraud, a lot of hard work and sacrifice goes into running your own business and becoming successful. For the most part, I believed he did that on the up and up¡ªI¡¯d never want to hurt his businesses knowing how hard they are to get off the ground with so many factors against him, mostly the tax burdens. He shouldn¡¯t be vilified for being successful in business¡ªthat¡¯s not why I wrote the dedications. What I wrote was in self-defense of all he tried to take me down with¡ªnothing more and nothing less. Any man who truly loved someone with their entire being the way I loved Anya, would¡¯ve went after him especially when he came after me. What he looked upon as being even with his wife, I looked upon as not being anyone¡¯s free ride. I thought Mac object to this not being an issue in the dedications, blocking another attempt by Claudine Courtney to take my dedications out of context. Just when I thought this line of questioning couldn¡¯t become less truthful, the next question solidified the purpose of all of it.

    ¡°During the course of the last three years have you ever seen Mr. Lastman in and around your home in the neighborhood?¡±

    ¡°Yes, in the last three years, yes.¡± He nodded, having to say it twice to help him believe something that never took place.

    I looked over at Mac and noticed him not taking notes when this question was posed. Nothing to remind him to ask Jackson for the exact times dates, or the color of the car I drove, or the license plate of my car and how he knew it was me. His answers to these questions seemed to suggest he planned to hand the transcript over to his kids. Since Daddy said this all under oath, it had to be true. Daddy would never have an incentive to lie about anything because we all knew Daddy wouldn¡¯t want to be found out as a liar all these years. His answer to this question made me shake my head in disgust as I held myself back from calling him a liar¡ªthe first time I showed any emotions during his own perjuring.

    ¡°Have you ever given Mr. Lastman permission to publish false and defamatory statements about you?¡±

    ¡°I have not!¡± shouted Jackson.

    Why in God¡¯s name would anyone give someone permission to publish false and defamatory statements about them? Especially after he just denied all I wrote was false? It seemed Judge Moone was reviewing another case instead of paying attention to this one. After I heard this question, I knew this line of questioning was to try and prove what I wrote was entirely slanderous. That nothing I wrote was true. Claudine was basically asking the person who just pulled off the Lufthansa heist if they stole anything¡ªthere seemed to be a great conflict of interest here because why would Jackson admit to anything being true? Why couldn¡¯t Judge Moone simply ascertain that due to the nature of our extramarital relationship that Jackson had an incentive to lie and cover up all he did and is? At this point, I just needed to take a breath, remain patient, and believe Mac would challenge him on his claims.

    ¡°Have you given him permission to publish anything about you?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯ve never given anyone permission to publish things about me unless they were business publications or things specific to my industry. In which, they are always a written request that I review and approve.¡± He explained.

    ¡°I have no further questions.¡± announced Claudine, leaving me in a state of shock.

    ¡°Cross-examine.¡± motioned Judge Moone to Mac.

    ¡°Thank you.¡± said Mac, rising from his seat before walking towards Jackson.

    ¡°Mr. Caiaphas, did you take a letter about Mr. Lastman over to the places of business of his clients and to his father?

    Going right for his jugular with this question, my faith was instantly restored in Mac. It just felt good to know someone was finally going to bat for me.

    ¡°I did not take a letter to the places of business of his clients or his father.¡± exclaimed Jackson, clearly shaken.

    ¡°Let me rephrase that.¡± replied Mac, pointing a finger at Jackson. ¡°Did you see fit that a letter be delivered to Mr. Lastman¡¯s business clients and to his father?¡±

    The combination of the Mac¡¯s words ¡°see fit¡± was brilliant¡ªputting inside the court¡¯s mind doing such a thing was not something a man of fit mind would do, let alone ever consider doing. Essentially showing the court you didn¡¯t need to be necessarily diagnosed as a psychopath to be one.

    ¡°I did.¡± He replied without blinking an eye. ¡°Yes, Sir.¡±

    When Jackson admitted to sending the letters to my business clients it didn¡¯t surprise me¡ªI knew all along he wanted to say it¡ªthat he was angry he had to answer for a crime he felt was justified, the same way I felt about sending Anya¡¯s gifts to him. Jackson was far too arrogant not to admit he sent those letters to my clients and to my father and having the audacity to call me a psychopath without ever being ¡°diagnosed¡± as such. Jackson admitting to his act alone should show Judge Moone why the dedications were written, notwithstanding the all the lies told in this court and to others and his provocations over the last five years.

    ¡°Who delivered that letter?¡± asked Mac.

    ¡°The U.S. Mail.¡± answered Jackson, just like a politician would. Proving to the court he¡¯d never admit to doing even the things he clearly did; let alone anything I claimed he did in the dedications.

    ¡°Okay, do you remember when you did that?¡±

    ¡°During, you know, possibly three years ago.¡±

    father?¡± asked Judge Moone, seemingly shocked.

    Judge Moone''s tone clearly indicated she was taken aback by Jackson sending a letter to my father¡¯s home¡ªlikely sensing this provocation spurred my publication of his dedication. If the entire dedication was presented in court, it would provide on record, the reasons it was written. Why all the dedications were written. A sense of elation filled inside watching Jackson smugness on the stand come to a screeching halt¡ªsuddenly caught in his web of lies. I wanted to make sure Mac also asked him how he found the addresses to send it to¡ªproving he cyberstalked me. The goal was to show Judge Moone that Jackson Caiaphas had every reason in the world to lie and we¡¯re here today because he put me in the position to defend myself by utilizing the truth.Again, Jackson instigated this by choosing to stalk me on Facebook then confront his wife about our relationship. Making matters worse was Anya not being honest with him after I trusted her to be. Over the years, I¡¯ve come to understand why she didn¡¯t admit to the relationship but when the cops were suddenly involved, and others with power, they put me in the position to defend myself. The arrogance of two people who have cheated on each other for the entire course of their twenty seven year marriage trying to hold the reactions of someone they hurt accountable was off the charts. This is what money does to some people¡ªit turns them into self-righteous human beings. My dedications were written and posted in self- defense after years of provocations. Now, they were trying to punish me for their decisions to lie to all those around them.

    ¡°Yes, ma¡¯am.¡± confirmed Jackson, beaming.

    ¡°And do you remember what was in that letter?¡± asked Mac.

    ¡°I do. Would you like me to tell you?¡± responded Jackson, chomping at the bit.

    ¡°I¡¯d like to know if you remember what¡­¡±

    ¡°Yes, I do.¡± he proudly announced.

    ¡°So, you do remember what was in it.¡±

    ¡°Yes, Sir.¡±

    ¡°You still have a copy of it?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m not sure if I do.¡±

    I shook my head at his ¡°I¡¯m not sure if I do¡±. How else would he remember what the letter contained? I wrote Anya a ton of letters and wouldn¡¯t remember much of what I wrote without having a copy of it.

    ¡°I¡¯ll object to this line of questioning as to relevance and time.¡± interjected Claudine.

    Claudine¡¯s objection was rather ambitious considering she claimed both relevance and time. This coming from the same person who accused me of writing posts from seven years ago! Now she objects to relevance and time? How convenient for Claudine to have her objection due to relevance and time sustained. This has been going on for ten years because time is relevant in this hearing. Judge Moone would certainly have to overrule this like she did with Mac¡¯s objections due to relevance.

    ¡°What is the offer of proof, Counsel?¡± inquired Judge Moone of Mac.

    ¡°That there is provocative interaction going on between this particular witness and the respondent in this action.¡± Mac stated clearly and resoundingly.

    ¡°You want to articulate what the provocative action is?¡± inquired Judge Moone further ¡°Did he challenge Mr. Lastman to a duel or what?¡±

    When Judge Moone said this, I wanted to yell at her ¡°what is normal about him mailing a letter to my clients?¡± How is that not a provocative action? That him challenging me to a fight was the only legitimate provocation for the dedications? Didn¡¯t she hear earlier that I believed he was colluding with those in power to harm me? Wouldn¡¯t that be a provocative action. If it disturbed my peace, enough to write such a venomous dedication, wouldn¡¯t that prove these acts were in their very nature provocative? When she mentioned ¡°challenged me to a duel¡±, it did not set well with me. It started to feel like she was looking for ways to hand them another restraining order.

    ¡°You know what, your Honor.¡± Said Mac, stepping away from Jackson. ¡°I¡¯m going to ask Mr. Caiaphas some specific questions about that letter if that¡¯s okay with the court?¡±

    ¡°Well again, how does that relate to the request by Mrs. Caiaphas for a restraining order against your client?¡±

    ¡°This is a letter that is provocative in nature in terms of accusing Mr. Lastman of being mentally ill and disturbed and addicted to pain medication, and it was also delivered to¡­¡± paused Mac while perusing the letter¡¯s contents before handing it to Judge Moone. ¡°There were other people it was delivered to.¡±

    ¡°But how does that bear on your client¡¯s contact or the publication of the dedication, which I understand is probably the basis for the restraining order that¡¯s before the court?¡± pressed Judge Moone, clearly not seeing the obvious connection after receiving the letter from Mac.

    ¡°The connection, your Honor, is that the interaction between these people¡ªwell, that they, Jackson Caiaphas and his wife, Anya Caiaphas, don¡¯t come before you with clean hands.¡± clarified Mac. ¡°The general basis for, the general offer of proof.¡±

    ¡°Have you seen the letter, Counsel?¡± asked Judge Moone to Claudine Courtney.

    ¡°I have not.¡± replied Claudine Courtney without blinking an eye.

    This was the same letter I handed to Claudine Courtney during our last meeting¡ªafter informing me I had to provide that to her. When she lied about never receiving the letter, Claudine morphed into the same cheat the client she represented were. At this moment, not only did she lose all professionalism in my eyes, she also proved the only way her client could defeat me is if they lied to Judge Moone¡ªthe same way they did to Judicial Officer Teri Shamm. These people were only professionals in lying and cheating. It was so ingrained in them to lie and cheat they have turned it into an art form. All I could do was hope the justice system would seek the truth and not sympathy for those who have to lie and cheat to get ahead in life.

    ¡°All right. Why don¡¯t you take a look at it?¡± instructed Judge Moone.

    ¡°I¡¯d like to have a moment, your Honor.¡± interjected Mac, before handing another copy of the letter to Claudine.

    As Claudine reviewed the letter with Anya, it looked at Jackson Caiaphas fidgeting about in the witness stand like he was waiting for electrodes to be strapped to the top of his skull. He had to have known he botched things by admitting he authored and mailed the letter to my clients. If Jackson truly had no idea what a narcissist was, I would venture to say at this moment only a narcissist would admit to doing such a thing believing he was justified. After a few minutes passed, Judge Moone addressed Claudine Courtney.

    ¡°All right, having viewed the letter Counsel, do you still maintain your objection?¡±

    ¡°Yes, your Honor.¡± replied Claudine Courtney.

    ¡°I¡¯m going to overrule it¡ªI¡¯m going to allow some limited inquiry to get a sense of the contact between the Caiaphas family and Mr. Lastman that might have given rise to the dedication being made.¡± she ruled, nodding. ¡°So, limited inquiry. Counsel may proceed,¡±

    I couldn¡¯t believe it Judge Moone overruled Claudine¡¯s objection. Even better was her response ¡°contact between the Caiaphas family and Mr. Lastman that might have given rise to the dedication being made¡±. It provided me with hope the court was willing to recognize the dedications were written in self-defense and not to harass the Caiaphas family. We now had Jackson backed in a corner, the smell of blood in the water.

    ¡°I understand your Honor. Thank you.¡± acknowledged Mac. ¡°Mr. Caiaphas, do you recall this letter explaining that you¡¯re sending a package to the father and clients of Mr. Lastman, because he¡¯s mentally ill and disturbed?¡±

    Appearing to be rattled, Jackson squirmed in his chair before answering. ¡°Can you clarify the question? Are you asking me do I remember seeing the letter?¡±

    Conveniently, Jackson now developed a sudden case of amnesia regarding the contents of the letter.

    ¡°Do you recall, at the beginning of the letter that provides an explanation that you¡¯re sending this package because ¡°your son Landyn is mentally ill and disturbed¡±? remined Mac.

    ¡°I wrote that.¡± nodded Jackson defiantly, still fidgeting about in his chair providing Judge Moone with other criteria on which to judge the witness.

    ¡°Okay.¡± replied Mac, adjusting his glasses.

    Jackson then shifted his body to the Judge Moone¡ªhis hands holding the chair tightly.  ¡°Am I allowed to ask a question?¡±

    ¡°No. Wait for the question or your attorney to follow up.¡± Replied Judge Moone without giving Jackson a warning¡ªthe same one I¡¯m sure she knew his attorney gave to him as well.

    ¡°Yes, ma¡¯am.¡±

    ¡°And did you accuse Mr. Lastman of being addicted to pain medication in this letter?¡± questioned Mac. ¡°Is that correct?¡±

    Jackson nodded. ¡°I wrote that. Yes.¡±

    ¡°Okay. And you had this delivered to Kelly¡¯s Restaurant in Long Beach, correct?¡±

    ¡°Is that a question?¡± retorted Jackson Caiaphas, clearly agitated.

    ¡°Yes.¡±

    ¡°I did.¡±

    ¡°And you had it delivered to Paul Lastman at his residence in Harbor City, correct?¡±

    ¡°I did.¡±

    ¡°And you had it delivered to Anodyne Tech in Newport Beach, correct?¡±

    ¡°I did.¡±

    ¡°Okay, all right.¡± said Mac peering down in reflection before raising his head. ¡°Did you ever call Mr. Lastman?¡±

    This completely unexpected question felt like hitting a home run. If Jackson felt justified sending the letters, why wouldn¡¯t he also admit to the phone calls he made using a spoof app?

    ¡°No.¡± lied Jackson.

    ¡°You never called him in June of Two-Thousand Thirteen?¡± pressed Mac.

    ¡°No.¡±

    ¡°Isn¡¯t that the same time you sent these letters?¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t recall the date the letters were sent.¡± claimed Jackson, suddenly an amnesiac.

    Still bound by the restraining order, to avoid any further accusations of violating the order, I waited until it to expired before posting the dedications in direct response to the letters and phone calls. Jackson¡¯s provocations should provide evidence to Judge Moone, or any real judge who pursued the truth, that I respected the order, although I believed it to be illegal. If Judge Moone couldn¡¯t see the lawfare that Jackson waged against me, our justice system was truly broken.

    ¡°And are you aware that all of these alleged posts are not up anymore, correct?¡± continued Mac.

    ¡°I¡¯m not aware of that because I have not researched it recently.¡± Jackson shot back. ¡°So, no I¡¯m not aware of this.¡±

    ¡°Just to clarify, when you say alleged posts, you¡¯re talking about the dedications in exhibits one, two and three?¡± inquired Judge Moone of Mac.

    ¡°Yes, and actually, I¡¯m talking about all of the information that was referred to¡­all the exhibits, your Honor.¡± Mac clarified.

    ¡°I would like to respond to your question.¡± Jackson snapped, who already answered the last question Mac posed to him.

    ¡°Well, hang on a second. I want to clarify for the record.¡± replied Judge Moone holding up her right palm to Jackson while she used her other hand to shuffle through some documents. ¡°So, when you say posts, although Mr. Caiaphas was in the courtroom while Mr. Lastman was testifying, he didn¡¯t see the exhibits. So, I¡¯ll hand those to you, Sir.¡±

    ¡°Thank you, your Honor. That was not a very well worded question. I¡¯m sorry.¡± Mac responded to Judge Moone, leaving me unsure why he felt the last question was poorly presented.

    ¡°I¡¯m only showing the first three exhibits to be introduced.¡± Judge Moone explained to Mac what she just handed over to Jackson. ¡°The others I have just marked for identification, but didn¡¯t allow the petitioner¡¯s counsel to inquire on them.¡±

    ¡°I am familiar. This is where Mr. Lastman specifically says that I am represented by Colton Clarke.¡± Jackson stated, using his index finger to follow along with the document. ¡°So, he¡¯s¡­this is where I believe where he is saying that I am, in fact, one of the characters in his book. Is this what you¡¯re referring to?¡±

    Mac looked blankly at Jackson before rephrasing his previous question. ¡°My question is are you aware that these posts, all of them, no longer exist on the internet?¡±The tale has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.

    ¡°I¡¯m aware I¡¯ve seen these posts posted on the internet and then taken down and then reposted on the internet.¡± Jackson said, peering up at Mac. ¡°So, I¡¯m not aware at this time because I¡¯m not looking for them.¡±

    I had to laugh realizing ¡°not looking for them¡± really meant ¡°the last time he looked they were no longer there¡±. In all fairness to Jackson, although once I removed the dedications, I never reposted them, he likely wasn¡¯t trying to be deceptive. He just didn¡¯t know the difference between the dedications and the new chapters I posted to the story on the website. Then again, Jackson also knew lying was his only way to beat me. So, there was a better than great possibility he knew if I removed them, after claiming they were intentionally false statements made by me, the court would have a harder time justifying their request for a restraining order since what annoyed them has ceased. Most restraining orders, if not all, were issued because there was no end in sight to the provocative behavior. Although I gave Jackson the benefit of the doubt here, he has done nothing but prove time and time again in court on this day that he was a professional con artist.

    ¡°When did you first see them posted?¡± asked Mac.

    ¡°I believe on the date they were posted.¡±

    ¡°You just happened to notice them on the date they were posted?¡± laughed Mac. ¡°How is that possible if you weren¡¯t searching for them?¡±

    ¡°No, I set up Google Alert because I was constantly being harassed.¡± Jackson whined, another attempt to mislead Judge Moone as to why he sent the letters. ¡°And if you¡¯re familiar with a Google Alert, it just notifies you when something is being said about you.¡±

    ¡°Okay, I guess there isn¡¯t any question pending.¡± Mac acknowledged.

    I couldn¡¯t believe Mac left him off the hook here. Why didn¡¯t he ask for evidence that he has been constantly harassed? After he sent letters along with my emails to Debbie to my father and clients, he felt the dedications were harassing? How about him cyberstalking me for two years on Facebook? After calling me using a Spoof App? Where is the proof of this ¡°constant harassment¡±? Jackson complaining about being constantly harassed would be on par with Osama Bin Laden complaining that the government of the United States won¡¯t leave him alone. Why didn¡¯t Mac press him on this?

    ¡°The court appreciates the explanation of Google Alert.¡± Judge Moone recognized.

    ¡°So, then at some point, since you have Google Alerts set-up, then you became aware they were taken down?¡± Mac struck back.

    ¡°I was not aware of that, Sir.¡± Jackson falsely claimed.

    He claimed he was aware the dedications were removed from the internet then reposted. If he had configured Google Alert, wouldn¡¯t he become aware when they were reposted? His admitting to setting up Google Alert now sent him backpedaling.

    ¡°Well, then you need to clarify your answer then because you said you were aware the posts were up then they were taken down and then reposted.¡± added Judge Moone. ¡°So, the taken down portion of your answer, what did you mean by that?¡±

    Did Judge Moone now see that Jackson was lying? That he had an incentive to? That his entire marriage was a twenty-seven year lie?

    ¡°Oh, let me clarify that.¡± responded Jackson, jumping at the chance to clarify his lie. ¡°I was aware they were put up and then I was aware that there was activity where they were not there because, again, Google Alerts shows you activity. Then I was aware when another post or another dedication went up. So, my understanding, not being a computer expert, there were several times they were put on the internet then taken down and put on. At this point, I just stopped looking or being made aware of it.¡±

    The key words in his response was ¡°not being a computer expert¡± and hoped Judge Moone paid attention to that key bit of testimony. It proved why Jackson thought they were reposted, because he couldn¡¯t tell the difference between a dedication being posted or a chapter to the story being posted¡ªleading me to believe Google Alerts also alerted him to anything I posted; setting up Google Alerts using my name, along with his, to notify him of postings. His admitting to not being a ¡°computer expert¡± lending to the fact he thought the dedications were reposted but may have been mistaken. And he was greatly mistaken¡ªI never reposted the dedications after removing them especially Claudine told me their kids may have seen them.

    ¡°So, your testimony is that your Google Alert hasn¡¯t told you whether they¡¯re posted yet or not?¡± asked Mac.

    ¡°I took off the Google Alert because I could not continue to deal with all this stuff.¡±

    Inside, I could only laugh¡ª ¡°all this stuff¡± he brought upon himself. If he hadn¡¯t stalked me on Facebook, lied about me to others in power, or tried to provoke me into breaking the restraining order by calling me using a spoof app. If he had not threatened to destroy me, challenge me to a fight or tried to take my CPA license from me. And if he hadn¡¯t sent letters to my father¡¯s home and to the places of business of my clients along my emails to Debbie, then he wouldn¡¯t have had to deal with any of this ¡°stuff.¡± Him having to set up Google Alerts to deal with all this stuff was vindicating in so many ways.

    ¡°When was the last time the Google Alert told you that these posts were taken down?¡± continued Mac.

    ¡°I don¡¯t know the exact date, Sir.¡±

    ¡°Okay, your business is a commercial real estate firm.¡±

    ¡°Yes, Sir.¡±

    ¡°You provide office space for people who need it?¡±

    ¡°Not for people. For large corporations and businesses.¡±

    ¡°Okay.¡± Said Mac, walking away before sitting against our table. ¡°Does that include any government agencies?¡±

    ¡°Yes, but we¡¯re don¡¯t really lease office space to governments.¡± Answered Jackson, loudly, his posture suggesting he was uncomfortable. ¡°We are mostly public and private.¡±

    ¡°All right.¡± Said Mac pushing himself lightly from the table and walking back towards him. ¡°Have you ever leased office space to the Long Beach City Prosecutor¡¯s office?¡±

    When Mac asked this question, I nodded in Jackson¡¯s direction, making sure he saw me as he nervously adjusted his tie. I had the screenshot of his Company promoting their tenancy on my phone¡ªthere¡¯s no way he could lie about this one. His collusion with Donald Holbert nearly putting me in prison to ruin my life all to protect a twenty-seven year godforsaken marriage driven by money and lies.

    ¡°Objection, relevance.¡± Claudine Courtney quickly intervened, trying to save her client from having his political corruption exposed, blowing up his entire previous testimony.

    Judge Moone then looked over at Mac. ¡°Offer of proof?¡±

    Before Mac could speak, Judge Moone spoke again. ¡°You didn¡¯t want to get into the post that I marked for identification and excluded.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯ll withdraw, your Honor.¡± Replied Mac.

    Withdraw? Let¡¯s get in those posts! They couldn¡¯t prove I authored them regardless of political corruption being mentioned within them. And if they believed me to be a liar, they would have to believe he was a liar as well. Wouldn¡¯t that force Judge Moone to stop wasting taxpayers money and dismiss the case? How could she put faith in either party? Donald Holbert¡¯s involvement was the key to this extreme need to defend myself so vigorously! The key to understanding why this has been going on for so many years! Why my dedications were posted in self-defense¡ªthat they served a legitimate purpose in response to Jackson¡¯s tactics! Before I could pull Mac aside have a private conference with him to reconsider his withdrawal, he broke into another question.

    ¡°What was your other business?¡±

    ¡°I have an audio visual integration firm.¡± Jackson announced.

    ¡°Integration?¡± asked Mac, stepping closer to Jackson. ¡°Is that technical?¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s a tech company.¡± boasted Jackson.

    I guess Mac withdrew because he believed to be another path to prove Jackson¡¯s adeptness to lying. How does a person who claims not to be a ¡°computer expert¡± qualified to run a ¡°tech¡± company? I knew exactly where Mac was going with this¡ªto prove Jackson¡¯s dishonest nature in real time.

    ¡°And so audio visual currently is primarily computer based?¡± pressed Mac.

    ¡°No, it¡¯s not computer based.¡± responded Jackson, squirming in his seat. ¡°It would be videoconferencing, teleconferencing, collaboration environments, video walls, systems you see in microphone systems. Nothing is computerized¡ªit¡¯s not I.T. at all.¡±

    ¡°But isn¡¯t that stuff all computerized now?¡± countered Mac, shaking his head, smiling.

    ¡°It¡¯s not necessarily computer based.¡± replied a now hoarse Jackson, loosening the tie around his neck. ¡°It¡¯s basically the displays in the electronics that drive functionality.¡±

    ¡°And your customers¡­who provides them with the services regarding the computers that go along with these?¡± questioned Mac, unwilling to relent.

    ¡°Objection. Relevance.¡± interceded Claudine Courtney.

    ¡°What¡¯s the offer of proof as to how his business operates?¡± asked Judge Moone.

    ¡°I¡¯m just¡ªthe offer of proof is that I believe the current state of the technology of audio integration systems are computer based, your Honor.¡± answered Mac.

    ¡°How does that relate to the restraining order?¡± inquired Judge Moone.

    ¡°That it would make Mr. Caiaphas, a proud owner of a tech firm, as much of a computer expert as anyone in this room.¡± Mac replied.

    It was easy to see what Mac portrayed to the court¡ªthat Jackson Caiaphas was a dishonest business owner, a dishonest husband and worst of all, a dishonest human being. The court should clearly see how Jackson has not only contradicted himself but has also exposed his ability to deceive those around him. How does one who claimed not to be a computer expert when it came to Google Alert yet is running a computer based environment related business he claimed in his own word was a ¡°tech¡± firm? If Judge Moone couldn¡¯t make heads or tails of this, she was either not paying attention to anything being said and asked or incompetent and unqualified to hear a case of this nature.

    ¡°And so, what does that have to do with the publication of this?¡± questioned Judge Moone of Mac.

    ¡°The inference is that one would argue from there, your Honor.¡±

    ¡°All right, the relevancy objection is sustained.¡± ruled Judge Moone. ¡°Next question.¡±

    How could Mac¡¯s line of questioning here not be relevant in consideration of Jackson¡¯s propensity to lie? Hasn¡¯t he already proven not to be a credible witness? He claimed not to be a ¡°computer expert¡± but is the owner of an audio integration tech company? How come she couldn¡¯t see the reason behind Mac¡¯s line of questioning? It would clearly show the court Jackson was not being honest¡ªthat he did know exactly how Google Alerts worked and that he lied about the dedications being reposted. She even stole from me Donald Holbert¡¯s clear involvement being considered¡ªthat he lied about colluding with political allies against me. What is he doing owning an audio visual integration tech firm without knowing how Google Alert worked? Judge Moone saved Jackson Caiaphas by ruling Mac¡¯s line of questioning was irrelevant. His answers had everything to do with the request for a restraining order and why the dedications were published in the first place¡ªand she intentionally ignored it, stealing my right to self-defense, my first amendment constitutional right, right from under me.

    ¡°When you were at court here with Mr. Lastman, you were very demonstrably upset with him, were you not, Mr. Caiaphas?¡± continued Mac, unexpectedly opening Jackson¡¯s box, paling in comparison to Pandora¡¯s.

    ¡°I was not!¡± He lied, consistent with his entire given testimony on this day.

    ¡°Did you confront Mr. Lastman in the courthouse, or in the hallway just outside this very courtroom?¡± pressed Mac, intentionally alluding to Claudine¡¯s previous line of questioning to me about being convicted of violating the restraining order.

    ¡°I walked out to get a glass¡­um¡­to get a drink of water from the fountain.¡± stammered Jackson, caught in a rundown. ¡°Mr. Lastman was next to the fountain¡­and when you say upset, I went to get a drink of water.¡±

    ¡°Okay¡­all right.¡± Mac nodded, now rubbing his chin. ¡°When you went to get that drink of water was that a court date I was actually present at?¡±

    ¡°I believe it was the last time we were here that he was represented.¡± Jackson claimed. ¡°Yes.¡±

    Mac nodded again, looking back at me. ¡°Okay, all right. And the time before that when I wasn¡¯t here. The day I had my client request a continuance; did you confront Mr. Lastman?¡±

    ¡°I did not!¡± doubled down Jackson, continuing his consistent acts of perjury.

    This lie bothered me greatly because I informed Mac of his ambush of me on the very first day. If Jackson somehow convinced Mac that I was being dishonest about his assault of me that day, then Mac could lose trust in me. If he lost trust in the truth, there¡¯s not way he¡¯d be able to defend me. I wanted to yell out to Mac he was lying, but didn¡¯t want to give Judge Moone any more of a reason to pass unfair judgment upon me.

    ¡°Okay.¡± Said Mac, shaking his head before looking back at me. ¡°Did you have any interaction with Mr. Lastman on the time before the court date and after the court date I showed up here?¡±

    ¡°Objection. Relevance.¡± shot Courtney, who knew her client was lying and tried desperately to save their case.

    ¡°Well, first off, it¡¯s just vague.¡± defended Judge Moone. ¡°So, I¡¯m going to ask did you have any contact with Mr. Lastman on the date of December Twenty-Seventh Two Thousand Seventeen?¡±

    I thought the better question would¡¯ve been did you initiate any contact with Mr. Lastman in an emotional or provocative fashion on that particular date? But, Judge Moone did not decide to hear this case to prove me innocent. After Judge Moone questioned the clarity of Mac¡¯s questions, I reached inside my the pocket of my pant, pulling out a list of questions I had written down for Jackson¡ªin case Mac needed them.

    ¡°Yes ma¡¯am, I did.¡± Jackson answered honestly.

    ¡°Follow up from there.¡± instructed Judge Moone to Mac.

    ¡°Okay. Now we¡¯re getting somewhere.¡± Mac wisecracked. ¡°Now, why did you have contact with Mr. Lastman on the date the court specified?¡±

    ¡°Yes. Why did you have contact with Mr. Lastman on December Twenty-Seventh?¡± repeated Judge Moone, who leaned in what appeared to be with impartial ears.

    ¡°I said to Mr. Lastman, it¡¯s been ten years, why can¡¯t you move on with your life?¡± explained Jackson through a false dialogue that never took place. ¡°Why is it that you continue to harass us? Why did you reach out to my kids? Why are you trying to defame me? It¡¯s been ten years. Can¡¯t you move on with your life?¡±

    When Jackson pleaded this to the court, playing the role of innocent victim, it made me realize I needed to pull Mac aside and tell him to put me on the stand¡ªto ask me why this has been going on for ten years. These lies about me, his false fucking testimony from claiming he¡¯s not colluding with public officials to destroy my life to claiming he never cheated on his wife, to claiming he saw me around his neighborhood driving around to claiming I¡¯ve done nothing but slander him, was the reason why this was impossible for me to let go of. If Jackson wanted peace, he should¡¯ve shown honesty and I would¡¯ve shown grace and mercy as I am commanded to do by God. Instead, he made the wide-eyed decision to bear false witness and when he did that, in my mind it became life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand and foot for foot. Although I listed my reasons for the dedications to Katie and Andrew in fine print, he broke his oath of honesty before God and to the Court, lying directly to Judge Moone about my reasons. It was only fair to put me on the stand so I could refute his testimony. Mac could ask me is Mr. Caiaphas lying about his testimony? And when I respond with a resounding ¡°yes¡± after I took an oath to the court to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God, we¡¯ll see if Judge Moone treats my oath to the court as seriously as she treated Jackson¡¯s. I knew full well from experiencing Judicial Officer Teri Shamm¡¯s ¡°the family is always right¡± courtroom that she was going to buy all of this absolute garbage, every single word he spewed from the crooked orifice he called a mouth. Judge Moone clearly wanted to believe the father of two children so she could protect them, without any regard to what the truth was. She was going to look at the first order as a lawfully obtained restrained order, regardless of the fact it was obtained with lies about me. Before I could ask for Mac to step aside for a small conference to demand him to put me on the stand to refute Jackson¡¯s lies, the web only continued to grow.

    ¡°At which time Mr. Lastman started making accusations that I¡¯m in corruption with the government and the court systems and started yelling at me.¡± Jackson responded, at least in half-truths¡ªI recalled telling him that in some form. ¡°He then pulled out his video phone or his camera and tried to video me and started telling me I was in corruption with the court system and all the judges. I don¡¯t know one judge in any court system other than being in court today.¡±

    ¡°Okay, and you believe that Mr. Lastman has this interaction recorded?¡± Mac responded.

    ¡°I don¡¯t know, but he said¡­he pulled out his phone. He aimed it at me and started saying he was videoing me and I walked away.¡± replied Jackson.

    Jackson¡¯s response was truthful in this regards, although at this point he had no choice but to walk away in defeat.

    ¡°All right, who was present when this happened?¡± Mac inquired, putting his hand through his hair.

    ¡°I was and Mr. Lastman was.¡±

    ¡°Anyone else?¡±

    ¡°I think anybody that may have been waiting for court.¡±

    ¡°Was your wife present?¡±

    ¡°No.¡±

    ¡°Was your wife¡¯s attorney present?¡±

    ¡°No.¡± answered Jackson, confusion setting on his face. ¡°When you say present are you talking about specifically next to me or in this courtroom?¡±

    ¡°That was a bad question. Let me withdraw that.¡± reversed Mac, shaking his head. ¡°Was your wife or her attorney able to observe this interaction visually or could they hear it?¡±

    ¡°If my wife¡ªI can¡¯t speak for what other people can hear or see. My wife and our representation, our attorney, was not at the water fountain at the time I was there.¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s where this conversation occurred?¡± asked Judge Moone.

    ¡°Yes, ma¡¯am.¡±

    This was not a ¡°conversation¡± but a confrontation spurred by Jackson. The presentation of the two confrontations, especially the first which was simple assault in the legal sense, was not being properly communicated by Mac. He had no choice but to bring me up on the stand as a witness to straighten this entire mess out¡ªthere was no way around it. In my eyes, I¡¯ve heard this song before and Judge Moone, just like Teri Shamm, appeared to be leaning towards siding with the demon.

    ¡°I¡¯m just a little confused on this.¡± Mac disclosed, shaking his head. ¡°I don¡¯t know how necessary it is but the water fountain incident was when I was actually here with Mr. Lastman, the interaction I¡¯m referring to happened earlier¡ªwhen I wasn¡¯t here. I understood the date the court gave you¡­¡±

    ¡°What I¡¯m talking about is the date I went to the water fountain.¡± jumped Jackson trying to avoid any questions regarding his crazed ambush on the first trial date. ¡°So, if I¡¯m mixed up on the dates, then I would like to correct that. But with the date I went to the water fountain...¡±

    ¡°But there was another incident in December where you had an interaction with Mr. Lastman here at the courthouse?¡±

    ¡°No.¡± Jackson lied, shaking his head.

    ¡°So, there has only been one time at the water fountain?¡± asked Judge Moone seeking clarification.

    ¡°Yes, ma¡¯am.¡± Jackson broke his oath to the court yet again, this time directly to the Judge.

    Judge Moone then turned to Mac. ¡°Anything else, Counsel?¡±

    ¡°I have nothing at this time, Your Honor.¡± Responded Mac, walking away from where Jackson sat.

    ¡°Okay. Any redirect?¡±

    ¡°Yes.¡± Claudine announced, quickly rising from her seat to approach Jackson.

    ¡°Mr. Simon asked you about a letter that you sent to Mr. Lastman¡¯s father.¡± inquired Claudine of her client. ¡°Why is it that you wrote him that letter?¡±

    As Mac sat down next to me, I looked over at him and shook my head knowing more lies would soon spew from the mouth of this demon. All I could do was pray I would not get agitated enough for it to show when Jackson played the role of victim. There was no justification for sending the letter to my father other than to provoke me into breaking the restraining order¡ªthat was its true intent and if the Judge couldn¡¯t even consider that a possibility, this Judge could care less about the truth. Why do we even bother taking oaths in court anymore if the judge herself doesn¡¯t intend on seeking the truth so justice could prevail.

    ¡°We had a restraining order in place at the time and it seemed that Mr. Lastman would not abide by the restraining order. He tried to reach out to my daughter on Linked-In.¡± Jackson lied yet again, intentionally taking my actions out of complete context. ¡°There were several occasions where he was just trying to contact us even with ongoing violations of the restraining order.¡±

    Upon hearing this absolute lie, one after the other, I took a deep breath to tell myself, Mac will bring me back on the stand. This this was the reason why he reserved when Judge Moone asked him if he had any questions for me. These lies all needed to be refuted and defended. I never viewed Katie¡¯s Linked-In profile with the intent to contact her¡ªit wasn¡¯t even a thought. Judge Moone will know the truth when Mac brings me back on the stand and there will definitely be no question in her mind why this has been going on for ten years.

    ¡°My wife tried reaching out to the Long Beach Police department and make them aware of these incidents.¡± He told Judge Moone, something Anya likely never did but lied to him about doing. ¡°And I believed at the time that, because he was not abiding by the restraining order, I wanted to make his father aware that there was a behavior and a pattern that I was asking them to get involved with and talk to him about. It was abnormal that seven years later he¡¯s still obsessed and trying to contact us and destroy our lives, reaching out to my children. So, I asked his father, please do something, and talk to him. Tell him to move on with his life.¡±

    Telling someone to move on with their life, after all I¡¯ve endured, was the purest form of harassment. If he truly believed he was appealing to my father, his demanding that someone move on with their life was not a message that would ever be received as non-provoking, especially coming from the man who threatened to destroy my life and used the power of Donald Holbert¡¯s City Prosecutor¡¯s office, a tenant of his, to attempt it.

    ¡°So, you were only appealing to his father to assist you and your family from not having contact?¡±  Claudine added, trying to massage his response to just being a good deed.

    ¡°Yes, Ma¡¯am.¡± Jackson concurred, building on his fraudulent persona.¡± And I sent that to his father directly and no one else because I felt at least maybe his family could counsel him and talk with him about moving on.¡±

    The more I listened to Jackson lie about his motives for the letter, how the man who threatened to destroy me was now reaching out in an act of caring about my well-being, the more it appeared his life was now being destroyed by his own threats. The same man who threatened to destroy my life only with lies and defamation was now whining about his life being destroyed by the man who held the real power¡ªme; he one who held the truth like a loaded gun to his temple. The decisions he made to cheat on his wife and to disrespect and dishonor her, not only ruined another man¡¯s marriage and caused his son¡¯s premature birth but threatened to destroy my life. And if I had to subpoena Andrew¡¯s medical records to prove it, I would. His lies in court made me want to file a lawsuit against him for malicious prosecution, intentional infliction of emotional distress and defamation of character¡ªI lied about nothing other than being Miranda Dobbins which paled in comparison to the lies he told Judge Moone. If my life truly was on the verge of ending, then I needed to fight this until the bitter end and Jackson¡¯s false testimony ensured I would never move on until the truth was known¡ªten years was nothing. I may have lost a battle, but I planned to win this war. Jackson would not get away with this.

    ¡°And at the point in time that you sent that letter, you indicated there had been repeated violations of the restraining order?¡± pushed Claudine, pushing the false narrative like a typical house politician, adding her name to my lawsuit aspirations.

    ¡°Yes I did. Which there had been that are documented on file.¡± Jackson falsely asserted.

    ¡°I have no further questions.¡± stated Claudine, leaving the witness stand to return to her seat.

    ¡°Any further recross?¡± asked Judge Moone.

    Mac then looked at me, seeing the irritation in my face.

    ¡°He¡¯s lied about pretty much everything, Mac.¡± I told him, trying to maintain my cool.

    ¡°One moment, your Honor. If I could just have one moment.¡± Asked Mac before addressing me.

    ¡°I think we need to show this Judge nearly his entire testimony has been dishonest¡ªit¡¯s even there in his dedication.¡± I explained. ¡°For instance, I wrote a paragraph defending him as a businessman. We should point that out.¡±

    Mac nodded then addressed the Judge. ¡°Your Honor, I have a question about what has been marked as evidence, Petitioner¡¯s Two.¡±

    ¡°Okay, did I hand those exhibits to you, Sir?¡± inquired Judge Moone. ¡°What has been marked as Petitioner¡¯s Two was the dedication submitted November Twenty-Fourth Two Thousand Sixteen, dedication to Jackson Caiaphas.¡±

    ¡°All right, I have it.¡± acknowledged Mac standing next to me before walking toward the witness stand. ¡°Okay, Mr. Caiaphas, you read that dedication, correct?¡±

    ¡°I have read it, Sir.¡±

    ¡°All right.¡± Mac said, pointing to the paragraph on the document he held in his hand. ¡°And in the second paragraph isn¡¯t there a reference disclaiming that this was some kind of indictment of your business practices and that there is some declaration¡­¡±

    ¡°Can you explain that a little bit more?¡± interrupted Jackson, tilting his head.

    ¡°Can I approach your Honor?¡±

    ¡°Yes, and show him. Point it out to counsel, too.¡±

    Mac handed Jackson the dedication he claimed to have read then used his index finger to guide his eyes to the paragraph in question.

    ¡°Paragraph number two.¡± directed Mac. ¡°Did you read that?¡±

    ¡°Yes, Sir.¡±

    ¡°Okay. Isn¡¯t that an indication that this dedication is not an indictment of Jackson Caiaphas¡¯s businesses and business practices and that he provides quality services to his clients?¡±

    ¡°So, I¡¯ll try to provide an answer to that.¡± Jackson responded, clearly irritated that if he saw everything in the dedication as slander, how he was going to prove that was slanderous as well. ¡°Are you asking me yes or no?¡±

    ¡°Yeah, isn¡¯t that what that is?¡±

    ¡°What I read out of this, is that it¡¯s specifically not indicting me by telling which businesses they are so there is no¡­so, it¡¯s specific.¡± stammered Jackson.

    ¡°Not ambiguous.¡± Judge Moone noted.

    ¡°Right. They¡¯re specifically saying it¡¯s me and my two businesses. And that he states that this is not an indictment of Jackson¡¯s business practices.¡± Jackson confirmed. ¡°I¡¯m sure he provides quality services for his clients and then he goes on in the same dedication to say, in a nutshell to me, he is a representation of the same demon because just like this demon he mixes lies with the truth about me. He cheated on his wife.¡±

    I wanted Mac to point out that the intention was to separate Jackson the businessman from Jackson the shitty husband, but Mac never stopped him.

    ¡°And so, in one sense he says that I¡¯m not a bad business person but then he goes on to say I¡¯m a terrible human being and has lied about the things contained in this dedication.¡± Jackson continued, his voice rising. ¡°So, yes¡­you¡¯re correct that he says that he doesn¡¯t see that I¡¯m a bad person and then goes on to tell me in the same dedication what a terrible person I am. So, you could misconstrue that or you could ask me any question you want, but I think this dedication is a representation of what¡¯s being said.¡±

    ¡°And I¡¯m just¡­so I understand your response to my inquiry.¡± Mac tried to clarify, shaking his head in disbelief. ¡°Your response is that when someone writes, ¡°I can find appreciation in his work ethic and drive to run a successful business¡± that that is a manipulative way of identifying you?¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s not what I said at all.¡± Shot Jackson, his eyes nearly bursting from his head. ¡°I said that there is a clear definition to make sure that Mr. Lastman and anybody that reads this, makes sure that correct Jackson Caiaphas is being represented. There is a deliberate effort here and there is a deliberate intent in this dedication.¡±

    The only deliberate effort on my part was to clarify the stark difference between Jackson the businessman and Jackson the horrible husband¡ªa courtesy never extended to me when he whined to my boss and colluded with Don Holbert about me. I also didn¡¯t want another Jackson Caiaphas living in another part of the world to be confused with this absolute piece of shit human being. He knows exactly what he did to be where we were today¡ªhis lies consistent enough to know he essentially lied throughout his entire testimony. I also didn¡¯t want him to lose clients because his kids were dependent upon it. The more he lied though, the more I regretted the decision to let Mac talking me out of a deposition.

    ¡°You know what, your Honor. I think the record is going to speak for itself. I have complete confidence in your ability to interpret.¡± Mac deferred, addressing Judge Moone. ¡°That was really the point¡ªthe interpretation of others, is the point I¡¯m trying to convey. I don¡¯t really have any other questions about that.¡±

    ¡°Anything else of this witness?¡± asked Judge Moone.

    ¡°Yes, your Honor.¡± answered Claudine, approaching the witness stand yet again.

    ¡°Mr. Caiaphas, you deal with multi-million dollar businesses, correct?¡±

    ¡°Yes, ma¡¯am.¡± Jackson replied, straightening his posture.

    ¡°Do you think your customers would appreciate it if they thought you were a sociopath? A psychopath? A narcissist? A wife abuser? A cheater?¡±

    ¡°It would have detrimental effects to my business.¡± he exclaimed, red faced. ¡°People that deal with me know I have integrity. They know I have ethics. And they believe in what I do. So, anything like this absolutely would have detrimental effects.¡±

    If they already knew he had integrity and ethics, then why would he be so worried about these opinions having detrimental effects to his business? Because he knew as well as I did, what I wrote was nothing less than the absolute truth about him. His response to this question essentially admitted that my dedication was not at all slanderous. Did he not think sending letters to my clients would not have a detrimental effect on my business? Or did he just not care? Yet, here he was whining about someone who had the decency to at least try to separate Jackson the business man from Jackson the philandering husband. Because one thing was certain, he never extended me the same courtesy¡ªhis hypocrisy shining like the sun through the windows that blinded me the day of his ambush¡ªanother lie he told.

    ¡°No further questions.¡± Claudine said before walking away.

    In hindsight, I think his clients would appreciate the truth. And how did they know he had ethics and integrity when his wife shared with me in intimate details these very things he lacked? Did he think I actually dated Anya for two years because he was a man of integrity and ethics? If he was an honorable man, who didn¡¯t ruin another man¡¯s marriage, who never flirted with waitresses in front of his own wife and who didn¡¯t cheat on his pregnant wife causing her enough distress to experience a premature birth, who didn¡¯t have a wife who felt the need to share all of this to with me and who didn¡¯t allow and encourage me to deeply in love with her because of him, we¡¯d never be here today. The great thing about this was how it brought to life Jackson¡¯s hypocritical nature. How he had no problem defaming me to people in power who attempted to harm my life, yet here he was lying about being defamed and whining when the truth was being told about him. Didn¡¯t he know the truth is where true power resides? That it never lies within lies? Now, he got to personally experience how his letter made me feel when he sent it to my clients. The irony of it all? He actually cheated on his wife and my only crime was trusting in all his wife told me about him. What Jackson claimed was defamation was the truth and it¡¯s the only reason I pushed back¡ªknowing I held it. The sad part was that Jackson had the power to quiet me by utilizing the truth instead of lies, but chose the path of most resistance.

    As Mac accepted the court¡¯s offer to recross and reexamine Jackson Caiaphas, I could only hope he jumped all over his hypocrisy. There was a reason why these dedications came into existence.

    ¡°But you haven¡¯t experienced any adverse business consequences, correct?¡± asked Mac.

    ¡°Is that a question or a statement.¡± lobbed Jackson, visibly upset by Mac¡¯s query

    Mac nodded. ¡°That¡¯s a question.¡±

    ¡°To my knowledge, no one has asked me about my character to date. However, we compete against many commercial properties for many many large corporate tenants.¡± he boasted. ¡°There could be many reasons that I win or lose tenants. Things that people say, things that people read may have an impact on decisions they make.¡±

    And the same went with my name as well, Jackson. I thought regarding the letter he sent to my clients. The only difference being he slandered me while I utilized the truth.

    ¡°But you¡¯re not aware of any?¡± prodded Mac, attempting to expose his unfounded fears.

    ¡°To my knowledge, I¡¯m not.¡±

    ¡°I have nothing further.¡± Mac spoke before walking back to sit down next to me.

    ¡°Anything further on Mr. Caiaphas, Counsel?¡± inquired Judge Moone yet again to Claudine Courtney.

    ¡°Briefly.¡± answered Claudine now approaching the witness stand yet again. ¡°Mr. Caiaphas, when you Googled your name, this dedication came up, correct?¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s correct.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯ll object, your Honor.¡± Mac shot back at Claudine trying to sneak in a question to confuse Judge Moone. ¡°As too vague in time.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m going to overrule the objection but ask Counsel to give the court some time frame as to when he Googled.¡± ruled Judge Moone.

    ¡°I actually have it in my file.¡± indicated Claudine. ¡°Since November Two-Thousand Seventeen when you Googled your name, the dedication appeared?¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s correct.¡±

    ¡°Nothing further.¡± concluded Claudine.

    I wanted Mac to object about to the date as we informed Judge Moone the dedications were removed¡ªthat he couldn¡¯t have been viewing them currently because they were no longer there. His response about not being a computer expert indicated to the court he was unsure what he was actually viewing or being alerted to by Google Alert.

    ¡°Nothing else, Counsel?¡± asked Judge Moone of Mac.

    ¡°Yes, your Honor.¡± acknowledged Mac, jumping out of his seat to approach the witness stand. ¡°You Googled your name in November Two-Thousand seventeen. Is that correct?¡±

    ¡°Yes.¡±

    ¡°But not since then?¡±

    ¡°I have not Googled my name since then.¡± Jackson admitted, in essence killing Claudine¡¯s attempt to confuse Judge Moone about the dedications still being viewable by anyone.

    ¡°I have nothing further your Honor.¡± Mac announced before sitting down next to me again.

    ¡°All right. Let¡¯s go ahead and take a short recess I¡¯ll have Mr. Caiaphas take a seat along with his wife as directed by the bailiff.¡± declared Judge Moone. ¡°Mr. Lastman follow the directions of the bailiff. I will recall this case in about fifteen minutes. I have to work on something for another family to get them out of here this morning.¡±

    The bailiff first escorted Jackson and Anya out of the courtroom before directing us outside as well. We then took a seat at a bench about fifty yards away from its doors.

    ¡°How do you feel?¡± Mac asked.

    ¡°I don¡¯t know. Okay I guess.¡± I told him. ¡°How do you see this going?¡±

    ¡°It can go either way.¡±

    ¡°Jackson¡¯s testimony was completely dishonest.¡± I explained, attempting to keep my disgust from bursting through about Mac¡¯s new view on the trial¡¯s outcome. ¡°I think you need to bring me back up on the stand so we can rebut them¡ªthe same way Claudine tried to rebut the things I wrote in the dedication. We have to make the judge see the ridiculousness of their strategy by making her sit through the same line of questioning.¡±

    Mac removed his glasses and began rubbing his eyes. ¡°I¡¯m considering it.¡±

    ¡°I think it has to happen at this point.¡±

    Mac put his glasses back on then turned to me. ¡°How do you think you can handle it?¡±

    ¡°I can handle it. Mac. I¡¯m ready.¡± I told him, confidently. ¡°We just can¡¯t let them get away with this garbage again. This is exactly what happened the first time around. They sat there and lied about me without being questioned one time by the judge¡ªwith no fear of being caught of committing perjury.¡±

    Mac nodded. ¡°You have to remain calm if I bring you up there, Landyn.¡±

    ¡°Just don¡¯t be afraid that they might reopen the online posts from years ago.¡± I assured him. ¡°He colluded with Donald Holbert and it¡¯s important for the Judge to know about his relationship with that office. The dedications weren¡¯t written from out of thin air.¡±

    ¡°Do you know who wrote those online posts?¡±

    ¡°It was probably a friend of mine who knew of the situation¡ªhe didn¡¯t like Anya much.¡± I lied.

    Mac nodded again, not knowing what to say.

    ¡°We can¡¯t let him off the hook about his relationship with the City Prosecutor of Long Beach.¡± I reiterated. ¡°You have to hammer me on that¡ªI know it¡¯ll rattle him. He definitely used people in power against me and his greatest fear is them all being exposed. And another thing, we have to push back on are these allegations that ¡°Mr. Lastman violated the restraining order and was seen driving in the neighborhood.¡± I simply did not. We cannot allow his testimony of defamation to stand.¡±

    As Mac nodded, the bailiff summoned us back into the courtroom.

    ¡°Can we call Jackson back up to the stand if we need to?¡± I asked, as we both stood.

    ¡°If we need to clarify facts, but the judge will have to allow us to.¡±

    I nodded. ¡°Okay. Can you inform the Judge we would like to reserve some questions for Mr. Caiaphas in case we need to clarify some facts? So, we can get her permission?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯ll ask.¡±

    ¡°Thank you.¡±

    ¡°Do you have any other questions for him?¡±

    I nodded, ¡°We might after his wife¡¯s testimony.¡±

    ¡°Hey, what do you think of Claudine Courtney¡± he asked.

    ¡°She¡¯s a liar too.¡± I told him.

    ¡°I meant, she¡¯s pretty hot, don¡¯t you think?¡±

    ¡°I mean she¡¯s not bad.¡± I replied, thrown off my Mac¡¯s observation. ¡°She¡¯s not my type to be honest.¡±

    ¡°I have a thing for blondes.¡± He informed me, before reentering the courtroom.

    Unsure of what to make of Mac¡¯s attraction to Claudine Courtney, who left me questioning her professionalism and ethics when she chose to protect the lies of her client, we took our seats behind our respective tables. When Mac revealed the trial in his eyes was a toss up, the more I regretted the decision not to depose the witnesses¡ªit would¡¯ve prepared us for Jackson¡¯s testimony of lies. Now, it seemed retaking the stand again would be my only hope to expose his slandering testimony of me.

    ¡°Back on the record in the matter of Anya Caiaphas and Landyn Lastman.¡± Judge Moone announced before sitting. ¡°The record will reflect counsel and parties are present. Before we call the next witness¡­who may that be?¡±

    Claudine then rose from her seat. ¡°Anya Caiaphas, your Honor.¡±

    ¡°Okay. For the record the court has pulled two files. One is N-Q-Zero-One-Three-Four-Three. This was a request¨Can application for a restraining order filed by Miss Caiaphas against Mr. Lastman on October Seventh Two-Thousand Nine. The matter was set for hearing October Twenty-Eighth Two-Thousand Nine. There were no appearances made on this date and the case was dismissed. Temporary orders were dissolved.¡±

    ¡°Does that sound right, Mac?¡± I whispered. ¡°The temporary order was never issued.¡±

    ¡°I think you misinterpreted the documentation.¡± he told me. ¡°Because there were no appearances, the case was dismissed.¡±

    I looked at him confused¡ªI¡¯d bet my life they notified me of the restraining order and it stated that it was dismissed before a hearing because of a lack of evidence. And the date of the order was October Seventh Two-Thousand Nine¡ªthe date we broke up. None of that made sense, but at any rate, it was entirely dismissed. I looked over at Anya but quickly looked away as she stared ahead at Judge Moone. That was a horrific day for both of us¡ªI couldn¡¯t blame her for filing for the order knowing her husband undoubtedly pressured her to¡ªbut our relationship was not worthy of that kind of ending. In her defense, I put her in a bad spot that day with the way I handled it all but the way she lied about our relationship to Jackson and all those around her caused the fallout to be much worse than it should have been¡ªholding herself unaccountable for all she allowed and encouraged me to feel. After being told we weren¡¯t ¡°one of those things¡±. After hearing this I patted my suit¡¯s pocket lightly, feeling the necklace against my heart.

    ¡°Also, taking judicial notice of criminal case Three-L-G-Zero-One-Four-One, which is a criminal case that was filed against Mr. Lastman on July Twenty-Fifth Two-Thousand Thirteen, alleging three violations of a restraining order.¡± continued Judge Moone. ¡°It would appear from the case number to the court that is the orange county case where the restraining order was issued. For the record, that is One-One-V-Zero-Zero-Two-One-Eight.¡±

    I nodded as she noted these things for the record, but when she referred to the criminal case all three alleged violations were dismissed, it provided another reason to be brought back to the witness stand¡ªto state for the record there were no convictions so Claudine could be admonished by the court for portraying it as such.

    ¡°It appears the disposition of the criminal case is that Mr. Lastman was allowed to do deferred entry of judgment. Meaning, he entered a plea and then had to perform certain conditions over a year period¡ªeighty hours of community service, fifty-two weeks domestic violence counseling program and make some payments.¡± Judge Moone further clarified. ¡°Obey all laws. No new arrests and then he could earn his dismissal. In fact, what he did was earn a dismissal in this case at the end of the one year period.¡±

    When she said ¡°no new arrests¡± it bothered me. We needed to definitely clarify to the court that I¡¯ve never been arrested because it appeared the court believed that happened. I never entered a guilty plea, refusing to accept the diversion deal on those terms. I looked over at Mac, whose focus was on Judge Moone¡¯s judicial review.

    ¡°All right. Next witness.¡± Instructed Judge Moone.

    ¡°Your Honor.¡± Interceded Claudine Courtney. ¡°Since we¡¯re dealing with the restraining order I have a copy¡ªa stamped copy of the Orange County restraining order from Two-Thousand Eleven.¡±

    ¡°So, you want to mark that as Petitioner¡¯s¡­?¡±

    ¡°Can we mark it ten? I already marked eight and nine.¡±

    ¡°But you haven¡¯t offered eight and nine up?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯ll change my numbers then and mark this as eight.¡± Claudine corrected.

    ¡°Okay. Mr. Simon have you seen number eight before?¡± Judge Moone asked, turning her attention to Mac.

    ¡°I have, Your Honor. I don¡¯t know how relevant it is because there was an issue in regards to the effect of that. I represented Mr. Lastman in the criminal matter that the court has taken judicial notice of.¡± Mac stated. ¡°I don¡¯t know if we should get into the legitimacy of that order or not. Whatever.¡±

    Mac challenging the legitimacy of the first restraining order surprised me. When compared to restraining orders of the same magnitude, in which there were plenty of examples to draw from to prove it was unnecessarily severe and obtained on false grounds, notably kidnapping and stalking allegations without evidence, it should be easy to prove it was illegally obtained. All I had to do was read my dedication to Teri Shamm to know the restraining order reserved for physical violent crimes was illegitimate¡ªlikely the reason why Claudine Courtney never offered it up as an exhibit to Judge Moone.

    ¡°Well, I don¡¯t know that the legitimacy of the order really has any bearing.¡± Judge Moone shot back. ¡°It does appear your client at least entered a plea based on a violation and then earned a dismissal to have the plea withdrawn and the case dismissed.¡±

    Upon hearing Judge Moone¡¯s reaction, bringing Jackson¡¯s lies to the court¡¯s attention became more urgent. If the restraining order was illegitimate, the alleged violation creating the withdrawn plea and dismissal earned through the diversion program were as well. At this point, Mac performed well in my defense and after he mentioned this, it made me feel he believed everything I told him was the truth. That I wasn¡¯t making this up and withholding any information from him he needed to properly defend me. Because if he didn¡¯t believe in what was done to me, he wouldn¡¯t be vested enough to defend me.

    ¡°So, I¡¯ll mark this restraining order One-One-V-Zero-Zero-Two-Eight as Petitioner¡¯s Eight.¡± Judge Moone said, marking the document before her. ¡°Next witness.¡±

    Claudine rose from her seat. ¡°Anya Caiaphas.¡±

    ¡°Miss Caiaphas, please come up.¡±

    When Judge Moone announced Anya¡¯s name, she didn¡¯t announce it as Missus, but rather as Miss, even while knowing she was married to Jackson. In fact, the entire day, she did so. As Anya took the stand I could only hope beyond reason she would explain the meaning behind sending me the heart pendant while gently patting my suit pocket, expecting nothing less than the unexpected.