《Soda and the Enchanted Plunger》 Chapter 1: Beach Blanket Bonertanians Once upon a time in the year 3086 there was a planet called Sifillis, and on this planet there was a continent called Pus, and on this continent was a country called Farshtunkener, and in this country there was a pleasant- if slightly greasy- town called Grubbytaint, which sat on the shore of the foamy yellow Wormspotz Ocean. The country of Farshtunkener borders a smoldering toxic wasteland, and to the east of the wasteland is a country called Bonertania. Soda Maturin Olheiser was a thirteen year old girl who had grown up there, at the lonesome and remote Schmahoning Drive-In Theater. Business had dried up since cars went extinct (around the same time as religion and cigarettes), but her Uncle, Karl the Silent One, was currently overseeing the construction of a brand new drive-in on the border of Schmegma City, Bonertania¡¯s capital. It will be called the Schmahoning II and feature three hundred preserved car and vanbus carcasses for people to sit in, plus an area for camping and a small roachberry patch. Titiana, the Flatulenz Fairy Tremorroid of Bonertania, had introduced feature film motion pictures to the wild yokai in Spew Spew Forest and some of the larger creatures have agreed to ferry citizens to and from the drive-in in exchange for videotapes. Recently Soda had completed an arduous trek and Titiana and her super best friend Montana decided she deserved a mental health break while her new drive-in home was being built. So they invited the tween and her friends the Spork Armadillo, Gary the Green Jackalope, and Chunks- a golem made out of chunks of various humanoids and yokai, stitched-and-stapled together- to their beach house on Grubbytaint Beach for the weekend. Titiana- or Titi to her closest friends- was the tremorroid of Bonertania, and Montana- or Mono- was the vice-tremorroid. They were benevolent, wise, kind, and beloved rulers, and no one minded them taking as many vacations as they wanted. Titiana also threw herself a dozen elaborate birthday parties a year. Titi and Mono had an assortment of interesting and entertaining friends- several of whom were popular Bonertanian celebrities- and many accompanied them on their vacation, including Rumplemuss the Dirty Wanderer, Gashmouth the Chainsaw Raccoon, Cockadoody the Cocky Cockfightin¡¯ Cockadoodoo, Crassgass the Jackass, the Ratsack Golem, B.M. Foulfinger, Nate Goiterhead, power couple and steed-class yokai Bruce the Retiring Ocelot and Jo the Prolific Rhinoceros, and Cydroidobot (the Robotic Emperor of Mukus Quadrant) and his son. Mono brought both her pets, a tapeworm in a jar named Zanghi and an antennaed brown and white half-Jack Russell half-Shih Tzu puppy dog-shaped yokai named Elvira Daisy Shingles. Soda stayed off the beach, as she didn¡¯t tan well. She had pale, chalky white skin and a purplish-blue dusting of color on her lips and around her eyes. She had jet black hair, eyes, and glasses frames. During the day she and her friends would explore the town of Grubbytaint. After the sun set she and Chunks spent the bulk of their time inside, watching feature film motion pictures on the 100 inch TV the beachhouse¡¯s luxurious home theater. Also in the beach house was a room completely filled on every wall with iguana milk crates filled of thousands of videotapes of every genre. They also had some shelves in the middle of the room that they had salvaged from a mom and pop video store that had closed years ago. Those shelves held their favorite horror movies. Titi and Mono¡¯s videotape collection- although much smaller than their master collection back at Videotape Palace- was impressive. Soda and Chunks were also enjoying to get to know Titiana and Montana¡¯s friends. They were all older than her so Soda felt very sophisticated. Soda especially loved playing with Montana¡¯s puppy dog-shaped yokai Vira, who would chase her hand and nip and yip at it until Soda distracted her with a plush toy. Montana Shingles had decided to invite her old friend Pucas the Mauve Wanderer to the shindig. Pucas was, as always, off wandering somewhere, but in his backpack was an enchanted balnut. When Montana wanted to summon him she released a special brown stool pigeon that flew to the nut wherever it was, with a note telling Pucas where to meet them. Pucas was a hairless boy with mauve felt for skin, about three feet tall. He had skinny little arms and legs, a little pot belly, and his head was shaped like a sideways terd (eggs are called ¡°terds¡± on Sifillis). His head featured no features other than a wide, unsmiling mouth. He saw by use of thaumaturgic glasses with black pupils in the white lenses. The curious lad traveled by means of a thaumaturgic toilet plunger. The plunger had been enchanted by a nefarious thaumaturge called the Fartmeister to transport its owner anywhere the owner told it. It had come into Pucas¡¯ hands during the chaotic events of the Videotape Palace Siege of ¡®82. Pucas had been using it to wander all over Pus Continent for years. And so, one afternoon Pucas floated out of the clouds over Titiana and Montana¡¯s beach house. He had been at a horror movie convention at a hotel in Vodun Village, clear on the other side of the continent, but thanks to his enchanted plunger he was able to fly to the beach house relatively quickly. He landed on the front lawn, then bent over and threw up all over the ground, as he was oft wont to do. This particular barf included public crab stew and alien feces noodle casserole. Montana watched with bemusement as Pucas stood upright and wiped his mouth off on his hoodie¡¯s already stained sleeve, and then led him into the palatial beachhouse. ¡°Hey, everybody! Pucas is here!¡± cheered Montana as she walked into the home theater with Pucas. Vira ran to the felt-fleshed boy, jumped up on her hindlegs, and pawed Pucas until he scratched her head. In unison, Titiana, Rumplemuss, Gashmouth, Cockadoody, Crassgass, Ratsack, B.M., Nate, Bruce, Jo, Cydroidobot and his son yelled: ¡°HELLO, PUCAS!¡±If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the violation. ¡°Hi,¡± replied Pucas. ¡°Pucas, I¡¯d like you to meet some new friends- This is Soda Olheiser and Chunks, and Gary and Sporky.¡± ¡°Don¡¯t call me Sporky!¡± snapped the Spork Armadillo, who was an armadillo-shaped golem made out of Spork, a popular tinned meat product. ¡°Hello, Pucas,¡± said Gary, his voice cracking. Gary was a green jackalope who had sacrificed his antlers to help save Soda¡¯s uncle. When Soda had met him he was about the size of a large dog but he had entered puberty and was quickly getting bigger and bigger. Not counting his long floppy ears Gary was almost as tall as Soda. ¡°Pleased to meet you, Pucas,¡± said Soda, shaking the boy¡¯s small felt-fleshed hand. ¡°Piddily-Cum-a-Zookus,¡± said Chunks, smiling, ¡°How ya doin¡¯, Pucas?¡± ¡°Pucas has been my companion on many fine adventures,¡± said Montana. ¡°Remember being trapped inside the Blecch Pyramid?¡± ¡°Yup,¡± said Pucas. ¡°We¡¯ve faced monsters from decapitroids to googoyles.¡± ¡°Meatidongs, too,¡± added Pucas. ¡°Decapitroids and googoyles and meatidongs, oh my!¡± said Soda, impressed. Pucas was very taciturn, and reminded Soda of her Uncle Karl. She was glad to have someone else around who was her age, and she and Pucas became fast friends. Soda didn¡¯t even mind his habitual barfing. Soda and Chunks were particularly curious about Pucas¡¯s flying toilet plunger, so he offered to give them a ride somewhere the following day. And that is how Soda, Chunks, and Pucas came to be standing on a bluff on Grubbytaint beach. They had threaded a length of large intestine through a hole in the plunger¡¯s handle, then tied a series of knots in the intestine. Pucas, Soda and Chunks each grabbed onto the intestine, far apart from each other so when they were aloft they wouldn¡¯t kick each other in the faces. ¡°Ready,¡± said Pucas. Randomly he and Soda were wearing the same outfit: Black hoodie, black trousers, black sneakers. However, he wore a dark blue T-shirt with Sal Ammoniac¡¯s symbol on it, while Soda was wearing a black shirt with a white videotape icon on the chest. Chunks was wearing the multi-colored patchwork jumpsuit designed for her by their friend Jodo, Titiana¡¯s loyal royal flackfizer (who was running Videotape Palace while our heroes were on vacation). "Now, then, where should we go?" asked Soda, slipping on her backpack which was filled with their lunch, an extra sweatshirt, and some old videotapes. "Piddily-Cum-a-Zee, anywhere suits me," replied Chunks. Soda tried to think of the most pleasant place to picnic. They must decide upon one far enough away to afford them a fine trip through the air. Looking far out over the foamy sea, the girl''s eyes fell upon a dim island lying on the horizon line- just where the pinkish-blue sky and yellow water seemed to meet- and the sight gave her an idea. "Oh!" Soda exclaimed, "let''s go to that island for our picnic.¡± "What''s its name?" inquired Pucas. "I believe it¡¯s called ''Meningioma Island''. Rumplemuss told me a few people live there and keep iguanas and scroats, and fish for a living. There are woods and pastures, I''m sure we could find a fine place for a picnic. I also heard there¡¯s a really cool video store that only stocks horror movies from the 2080s." "Sounds good," said Pucas. "If we''re going to that island we may as well start right away," said Chunks. ¡°Ready Pucas?¡± The mauve boy said he was. They all tightened their grips on the intestine tied to the toilet plunger. Pucas held the plunger over his head. "Go to Meningioma Island," said Pucas to the toilet plunger, using the name Soda had given him. The plunger¡¯s suction cup quivered, then pulsated, and then the unclogging instrument began drifting upwards. First Pucas, then Soda, and then Chunks were lifted off their feet, with Soda dangling right below Pucas and Chunks dangling just below Soda. The plunger rose higher and faster, carrying the three voyagers with it, but instead of taking them forward to the island it started carrying them backwards over land. Up, up, up they floated and flew faster and faster, over several small villages and then over Yoshmendrickle Valley, out of Farshtunkener and over the toxic wasteland. ¡°We¡¯re going the wrong way!¡± shouted Chunks. Pucas told the plunger to go back or stop, but it continued its flight. ¡°What''s wrong, Pucas?¡± yelled Soda, ¡°Why don''t we stop?" ¡°Don¡¯t know,¡± said Pucas. "We want to go to Meningioma Island! Meningioma!" Soda yelled at the toilet plunger. The toilet plunger swept steadily along, and soon the toxic wasteland was replaced by blood-red clotberry bushes and fields of monkey-face orchids. "Perhaps," shouted Soda, after a pause during which she tried hard to think, "Perhaps ''Meningioma Island'' isn''t the name of that island, at all. Now that I think about it, maybe it¡¯s called ¡®Megindioma Island. Somewhere in the world there''s an actual Meningioma Island, and the plunger must be taking us there!¡± ¡°Sorry,¡± said Pucas. Where do you suppose this real Meningioma Island can be?" Soda shouted. "We can''t tell anything about it until we get there," Chunks yelled. A passing feathered peegull peed on her head, then sailed away laughing. Chunks growled and shook her head, the peegull urine flying off her braids. The trio flew farther and farther and higher and higher and then Soda realized with a start they were flying right over the Schmahoning Drive-In, her old home! A few kaiju were napping on the empty lot. Eventually they had sailed completely over Bonertania and were heading over the east end of the toxic wasteland that surrounded the country on all sides. "Piddily-Cum-a-Zome¡± said Chunks, ¡°we''re a long way from home!" Pucas threw up, it was particularly chunky and some of his throw up landed on Soda and Chunks. They were pretty grossed out- they didn¡¯t mind watching Pucas puke but didn¡¯t want his puke on them. The enchanted plunger plunged upwards, into the clouds. *** In the 1990s self-proclaimed "Worlds #1 Sifillitic" B. Manus Shunkwiler produced 286 issues of the obsessive Sifillis Stories fanzine SIFILLITICA PSYCHOTICA. There is a zine cover at the end of each chapter of SODA AND THE ENCHANTED PLUNGER. Volume 4, #38, September 1997: Chapter 2: One Rough Landing on Meningioma Island ¡° ¡° If you encounter this narrative on Amazon, note that it''s taken without the author''s consent. Report it. ¡° ¡° ¡° ¡° ¡° Your country!" exclaimed Scrumpox, looking at them more carefully and seeming interested in their appearance. "Where in the sky did you come from, then, and where is your country located?" ¡° ¡° Chapter 3: Six Noses Made Out of Live Wasps for Six Sisters Chunks, reaching out the more muscular of her mismatched arms, punched the president square in the face, Then she grasped his long, slithery neck and strangled him violently. "Drop that plunger- drop it!" yelled Chunks, and the president quickly obeyed. The thaumaturgic toilet plunger fell to the ground and Pucas promptly seized it and clutched it to his bosom. Then Chunks let go her hold and the president staggered to a nearby bench, choking and coughing to get his breath back. The president belched loudly three times. Then he let out a loud series of long and short farts. "I told you to let things alone," growled Chunks, rolling up her patchwork sleeves. "If you don''t behave, your majesty, this turquoise island''ll have to get a new president." "Don''t kill him, Chunks!" said Soda. "Kill me? Why, she couldn''t do that," coughed the president, who was trying to rearrange his turquoise neckerchief. "Nothing can kill me." "Why not?" asked Soda curiously. "Because I haven''t lived my six hundred years yet. Every being in Meningioma Island lives exactly six hundred years from the time he is born. Nothing can kill us until we''ve lived to the last day of our appointed lives.¡± "But isn''t six hundred years an awful long time to live?" questioned Soda. "It seems like it, at first," replied the president, still rubbing his throat. "but I notice that whenever any of my subjects get near the end of their six hundred, they grow nervous and say the life is altogether too short." "How long have you lived?" asked Soda, who was very interested. The president coughed again and turned a bit turquoisier. "That is considered a very rude question in Viralvania," he answered; "but I will say that every president is elected to reign three hundred years, and I''ve reigned not quite- ahem!- two hundred." His voice was still raspy from being strangled. ¡°Soda, we should probably go,¡± said Chunks. ¡°I¡¯ve seen all I want of this island and its dork-butt, expositional president." Soda agreed. "Hang on,¡± said Pucas. Pucas stood on another bench and held up the thaumaturgic toilet plunger in one hand and clutching the attached knotted intestine with the other. Chunks and Soda had just grabbed a hold of the pink-and-red large intestine when a turquoise small intestine shot out from behind them and in a twinkling wound itself around the toilet plunger, pulling it from Pucas¡¯s hand. At the same instant another intestine wound itself around the mauve boy''s body, and others caught Soda and Chunks in their coils, so that all had their arms pinned fast to their sides and found themselves absolutely helpless. More turquoise intestines whipped around their heads, covering their mouths and turning their yells of displeasure into muffled mumbles. President Scrumpox was laughing and dancing around in front of them. A posse of Viralvanians, resembling the president in shape and color and costume- tiny iguanaboy hats, leather vests, iguanaboy boots (but with no dusted diamonds glued to them)- stepped in front of our friends and bowed low to the president. They had used their intestine lassos to capture the adventurers. "We heard the belch-and-fart code and came right away," said a Viralvanian with a shiny turquoise star on his vest. "A¡¯yup, sheriff,¡± said the acquisitive president dismissively. The iguanaboy who had whipped the toilet plunger out of Pucas¡¯s hand handed it to Scrumpox, and Scrumpox handed it to the sheriff. ¡°Take this booty and carry it to my treasury. See that it is safely locked up. Here''s the key, and if you don''t return it to me within five minutes I''ll have you spliced." The sheriff took the key and the thaumaturgic toilet plunger and hastened away to the enormous ranch house. At every few steps the intestine attached to the toilet plunger would trip up the sheriff and cause him to take a tumble, but as he had only five minutes'' time in which to perform his errand he would scramble to his feet again and gather up the intestines and dash along the path until the knotted intestines tripped him again.Unauthorized content usage: if you discover this narrative on Amazon, report the violation. They all watched him with interest until he had disappeared within the ranch house, when the president turned to his men and said: "Release the prisoners. They are now quite safe, and cannot escape me." So the men unwound the long turquoise intestines that were twined around the arms and heads of our three friends, and set them free. These iguanaboys bore no weapons except the small intestines, which they used expertly as lassos and whips. Some of the intestines had heavy, jagged chunks of petrified poo attached to the ends. Soda was greatly surprised by the suddenness of her capture, and so was Chunks. Pucas leaned over and vomited up his breakfast onto the turquoise grass. "That is highly unacceptable!" called President Scrumpox, sternly. "You are already condemned to severe punishment, and if you vomit or emit any other bodily fluid on my compound, you are liable to be spliced." "What''s being spliced?" inquired Soda. The iguanaboys all laughed raucously at this question, but the president did not reply. Just then a door in the ranch house opened and out trooped a group of teenage girls. There were six of them, all gorgeously dressed in fancy, elaborately designed gowns with many puffs and tucks and ruffles and zippers and buttons and flounces and badges and laces and ribbons, everything being in some shade of turquoise, grading from light turquoise to dark turquoise. Their shiny turquoise hair was elaborately dressed in beehive hairdos. The most striking thing about the girls was that each one had a live wasp for a nose. "Ah," said the president, with a smile, "here come my six waspnosed daughters- the most beautiful and desirable ladies on Meningioma Island." The six waspnosed sisters now stood in a row, staring with haughty looks at the strangers. "Goodness me, father!" exclaimed the first; "what queer, dreadful-looking uggos are these? Where in the sky did they come from?" "They say they came from Pus Continent, Ebola," answered the president. "But that is impossible," said another sister. "Our scientists have proved that Pus is not inhabited." ¡°It is!¡± shouted Soda, and Pucas nodded in agreement. "Your scientists''ll have to guess again," said Chunks. "But how did they get to Meningioma Island?" inquired the third waspnosed one. "By means of a flying toilet plunger, which I have captured and put away in the treasury," replied Scrumpox. "What will you do with the monsters, papa?" asked the fourth sister. "I haven''t decided yet," said the president. "They''re curiosities, you see, and may serve to amuse us. But as they''re only half civilized I shall make them our slaves." "What are they good for? Can they do anything useful?" asked the fifth. "We''ll see," returned the president, impatiently. "I can''t decide in a hurry. If there''s anything I hate it''s a hurry." "I''ve an idea, dad," announced the sixth waspnosed sister, "Let us take the little girl to be our handmaiden- to wait upon us and amuse us when we''re bored. All the other ladies of the ranch will be wild with envy, and if the child doesn''t prove of use to us we can keep her for a living pincushion." "Oh! Ah! That will be fine!" cried all the other five, and the president said: "Very well, Diptheria; it shall be as you desire." Then he turned to Soda and added: "I present you to my six lovely waspnosed daughters, to be their slave. If you are good and obedient you won''t get your ears boxed oftener than once an hour." "I won''t be anybody''s slave," protested Soda. "I don''t like these snotty waspnosed ladies and I won''t have anything to do with them!" "How impudent!" cried Ebola. "How vulgar!" cried Varicella. "How unladylike!" cried Papilloma. "How crackers!" cried Neisseria. "How absurd!" cried Pertussia. "How nefarious!" cried Diptheria. And then all six held up their hands as if horrified. The president laughed. "You''ll know how to get her in line, I imagine," he remarked, "and if the girl isn''t reasonable and obedient, send her to me and I''ll have her spliced. Now, then, take her away." But Soda was obstinate and wouldn''t budge a step. "Keep us together, your majesty," begged Soda. "If we''re to be slaves, don''t separate us, but make us all the same kind of slaves!" "I shall do what pleases me," declared the president, angrily. He then gave a command to an iguanaboy, who hastened away to the ranch house and soon returned with a number of long turquoise intestines. One he tied around Soda''s waist and then attached to it six other intestines. Each of the six waspnosed sisters held the end of an intestine, and then they turned and marched haughtily away to the house, dragging the little girl after them. ¡°Bye,¡± said Pucas, waving. "Don''t worry, Soda," shouted Chunks; "we''ll get you out of this trouble pretty soon!" "Oh, I''m all right," answered Soda, with fine courage; "I''m not afraid of these stuck-up dork-butts!" The sisters pulled her after them and soon they had all disappeared into one of the entrances to the turquoise president¡¯s ranch mansion (or ¡°ranchion¡±). Chapter 4: Only Those Able to Forget Find the Most Joy in Life "Now, then," said the turquoise president, turning to Chunks and Pucas, "I will instruct you two in your future doodies, er, duties. I shall make old Stitchface- " "My name''s Chunks," interrupted Chunks. "I don''t care what your name is; I shall call you old Stitchface," replied the president, "for that suits you quite well. I shall make you the official Scooper of the Iguana¡¯s Poo. And you, you little felt. . . thing, you shall be the official Wiper of the Iguana¡¯ Backsides, and you better wipe those big bottoms until they¡¯re clean enough to eat out of.¡± The sheriff had returned to the president¡¯s side. ¡°The toilet plunger is locked up in the treasury, boss,¡± he said, out of breath. ¡°Good. Now throw these two freaks in with the other slaves. And get Zika the Make-Clothes-O-Matic to make them some decent turquoise outfits.¡± The president¡¯s palatial ranch house was certainly a magnificent building, with large and lofty rooms and superb furnishings, all being in shades of turquoise of course. Chancroid the Turquoise Sheriff, Chunks the Multi-Colored Golem, and Pucas the Mauve Wanderer passed through several broad corridors and then came to a big smelly room full of unpleasant-looking servants wearing turquoise jumpsuits. Some of them sat at tiny tables playing canasta. Others- the ones with broken arms or legs or skulls- glumly lay on the floor. The sheriff pushed the new slaves into the room and staggered off to catch his breath. The servants were staring in bewilderment at Chunks and Pucas. Their looks expressed not only astonishment but dislike. They scowled and muttered and behaved in a very unfriendly way. One of those present, however, showed no especial enmity to Pucas and Chunks, and this Viralvanian attracted their notice because his appearance was so strange. He looked as if he were made of two separate Viralvanians, each cut through the middle and then crudely joined together, half of one to half of the other. One ear was big and stuck out from the side of his head, while the other ear was small and flat; one eye was half shut and twinkling while the other was big and staring; his nose was thin on one side and flat on the other, while one side of his mouth curled up and the other down. Pucas also noticed that he limped as he walked, because one leg was a trifle longer than the other, and that one hand was delicate and slender and the other thick and hardened by use. There was a horrific scar running up the middle of the man¡¯s body neck and face. "Don''t stare at him," a voice whispered from behind them; "the poor fellow has been spliced, that''s all." Pucas turned to see who had spoken and found by his side a pot-bellied Viralvanian, naked except for iguanaboy books and a turquoise-gold chain around his neck. Dangling from the chain was a turquoise-gold ¡°ZZ¡±. His nipples were remarkably large and hairy. He spoke in a pleasant way and seemed quite friendly. But the two-sided man had overheard Pucas¡¯s remark and he now stepped forward and said, in a peevish tone: "Let the freak look at me, if he wants to; I''m not pretty, but that''s not my fault. Blame the president." ¡°Hello,¡± said Pucas. "Nice to meet you," said Chunks. "What¡¯s your name?" "I''m now named Splurgeslap. Splurgeslap Splatsplunge.¡± ¡°Piddily-Cum-a-Zouthzul, that¡¯s quite a mouthful!¡± exlained Chunks. ¡°My partner is called Slapsplurge Splungesplat. He''s busy at present guarding the treasury, but I''ll introduce you to him when he comes back. We''ve had the misfortune to be spliced, you know." "What¡¯s ¡®spliced¡¯?" asked Pucas. "They cut two of us in halves and mismatch the halves- half of one to half of the other, you know- and then the other two halves are grafted together. It destroys our individuality and makes us complex creatures, so it''s the worst punishment than can be inflicted on Meningioma Island." "Does it hurt?," asked Pucas, alarmed at such dreadful butchery. "You bet your sweet bippy," replied Splurgeslap, "and it also makes one frightfully nervous. They put you in the big Splicer, where a big jagged blade drops and slices you neatly in two- exactly in the middle. Then it matches half of you to another person who has likewise been sliced, stitches you up- and there you are, spliced to someone you don''t care about and haven''t much interest in. If your half wants to do something, the other half is likely to want to do something different, and the funny part of it is you don''t quite know which is your half and which is the other half. It''s a terrible punishment, and in a country where one can''t die or be killed until he has lived his six hundred years, to be spliced is a great misfortune." ¡°Yeah,¡± agreed Pucas, nodding solemnly.¡± "But can''t you ever get un-spliced again?" asked Chunks. "If the president would consent, I think it could be done," Splurgeslap replied; "but he never will consent. As far as I can remember this is about the meanest, most fascistic president who ever ruled this skyle. He was the first to invent splicing. I think we will all be glad when his three hundred years of rule are ended.¡± ¡°Can you keep a secret?" Zika Zoster asked. ¡°Sure,¡± said Splurgeslap. "I can try," said Pucas. "I''ve kept secrets- once in a while," asserted Chunks. "Well, try to keep this one, said Zika Zoster, and then he whispered: ¡°I''m to be the next president.¡± "Good for you!" whispered Chunks. "I wish you were the president now, sir. But it seems you''ve got to wait a hundred years before you can take Scrumpox¡¯s place."You could be reading stolen content. Head to Royal Road for the genuine story. "Ma¡¯am," whispered he, "there lies all my trouble. I''m quite sure the present president has reigned three hundred years next Plumesday; but he claims it is only two hundred years, and as he holds the book of record under lock and key in the treasury, there is no way for us to prove he is wrong." "Oh," said Pucas. "How old is the president?" asked Chunks. "I believe he was two hundred years old when he was elected," replied Zika Zoster. "If he has already reigned three hundred years, as I suspect, then he is now five hundred years old. You see, he is trying to steal another hundred years of rule, so as to remain a tyrant all his life." Pucas said: ¡°Huh.¡± The spliced slave walked away to go play cards and the chubby Viralvanian with the turquoise-gold chain finally introduced himself. "My name is Zika Zoster, I¡¯m the compound¡¯s majordomo.¡± ¡°What¡¯s a majordomo?¡± asked Pucas. ¡°It¡¯s like a flackfizer. Follow me, please." And then he led the two slaves outside the ranchion and into the field. Zika Zoster showed Chunks and Pucas where the iguanas grazed, and where they kept the big shovels and sheet-sized wet wipes. Then he asked if the duo would like a tour of the country and they said yes. Zika Zoster led Pucas and Chunks out of the field and across the compound, then out the front gate which was guarded by a sleepy iguanaboy. Immediately outside the compound the ground turned to mud. The majordomo took our friends to see all the sights of Viralvania. It didn¡¯t take long- the grounds outside the compound only featured about twenty houses, all closely crammed together, plus a combination saloon/barbershop/dentist/doctor/haberdashery/ brothel. All the Viralvanians they encountered glared at the strangers and some even growled. They passed several scruffy, nasty looking children tending scruffy, nasty looking horned scroats, and an old Viralvanian with a tiny top hat and a long beard polishing a coffin he had made by hand. ¡°Is Viralvania very big?" Chunks asked. "It is immense," was Zika Zoster¡¯s proud reply. "This enormous country extends a mile in all directions from the center. That''s very big, isn''t it?" "Not very," replied Chunks, who was feeling sore about this whole ¡°slavery¡± situation. "We''ve cities on Bonertania ten times bigger- and then some big besides. We''d call this a small town in our country. Or maybe a hamlet.¡± Zika Zoster seemed astonished and a little offended. The trio continued to splosh along the muddy path. ¡°Is the magenta side of Meningioma bigger than the turquoise side?" asked Chunks. "No; it is supposed to be the same size," was the reply. "Then why haven''t you ever been there? Seems to me you could walk across the whole island in an hour," said the golem made of chunks. "The two parts are separated by an impassable barrier," answered Zika Zoster. "Between them lies the great flatulenz mist bank, left behind by the Flatulenz Fairies who created Meningioma Island." "A flatulenz mist bank? Why, that''s no barrier!¡± "It is, indeed," returned the Viralvanian. "The flatulencz mist bank is so thick and pungent that it stings one¡¯s eyes, and if once you got into the bank you might wander forever and not find your way out again. Also, it is full of warm dampness that moistens your clothes and your hair until you become miserable, and even if you do escape you¡¯ll smell like the farts for the rest of your life. It is furthermore said that those who enter the flatulenz mist bank forfeit the six hundred years allowed them to live, and are liable to die at any time. Here we do not die, you know; we merely pass away." "How''s that?" asked Chunks. "Isn¡¯t passing away the same as dying?¡± "No, indeed. When our six hundred years are ended we march past the Great Turquoise Grotto, through the Hole of Meningioangiomatosia, and are never seen again." "That''s queer," said Pucas. "What would happen if you didn''t march through the hole?" asked Chunks. "I do not know, for no one has ever refused to do so. It is the law, and we all obey it." "It saves funeral expenses, anyhow," remarked Chunks. "Where is this hole?" "Just outside the gates of the country. There is a mountain by the Great Grotto, and the hole is at the foot of the mountain. Now the way I figure, the president ought to march into this grotto a hundred years from next Plumesday, but if he¡¯s craven enough to try and steal a hundred years of rule perhaps he won''t enter the Hole of Meningioangiomatosia at all. Therefore, if you will please be patient for about a hundred years, you will discover what happens to one who breaks the law." "Thanks," remarked Chunks. "I don''t expect to be very curious, a hundred years from now." "Me neither," added Pucas. "But I don''t see how the president is able to fool you all,¡± said Chunks. ¡°Can''t any of you remember two or three hundred years back, when he first began to rule?" "No," said Zika Zoster; "that''s a long time to remember, and we Viralvanians try to forget all we can- especially whatever is unpleasant. Those who remember are usually the unhappy ones; only those able to forget find the most joy in life." They had come to the border of Viralvania and a tall stone wall, which encircled the entire country and protected it from the desert beyond. They mounted a flight of steps to look over the top of the wall and from their elevation plainly saw the low mountain where the Hole of Meningioangiomatosia was located, and beyond that the thick, brownish-gray flatulenz mist bank, which constantly rolled like billows of Wormspotz Ocean and really seemed, from a distance, quite forbidding. "What¡¯s the magenta end of the skyland like?¡± asked Chunks. "We know that the land is called Swollenlump. We are told in the book of record," replied Zika Zoster. "None of us now living know anything about it, but the book calls it the ''Buboe Country¡¯.¡± "I''d like to see that book of record," mused Chunks. "I''d like to see it myself," returned Zika Zoster, with a sigh; "but no one can lay hands on it because the president keeps it safely locked up in his treasury." "Where''s the key?" asked Pucas. "The president keeps it in his pocket, night and day," was the reply. "The plunger is in that treasury," said Chunks. ¡°Maybe we can break in and find it.¡± "Well,¡± said Zika Zoster, ¡°if you manage to enter the treasury, be sure to bring me the book of record." They now sploshed back to the ranch house, still objects of much curiosity to the natives, who sneered at them and mocked them but dared not interfere with their progress. At the ranch house they were presented with new turquoise jumpsuits produced to fit them by the compound¡¯s Make-Clothes-O-Matic. They were told to change, and that their old clothes were taken to be burned in the furnace. This miffed both our friends- Chunks lost the custom patchwork jumpsuit her new friend Jodo had made for her, and Pucas lost his lucky Sal Ammoniac T-shirt. Then Zika told them that employee dinner was about to be served in the big kitchen. Zika Zoster took his seat at the end of the long table and placed Chunks on one side of him and Pucas on the other, to the great annoyance of the other servants present, who favored the strangers with nothing pleasanter than envious scowls. There was one vacant seat next to Pucas which was reserved for Soda; but the Schlingian tween had not yet appeared and the chunks golem and the felt boy were beginning to be uneasy about her. Meanwhile, the president and vice-president Poliomyelitis- who was also Scrumpox¡¯s super best friend and a raging alcoholic- and their six horrible daughters dined in formal state in the mansion¡¯s banquet hall. Their servants brought in a huge tub full of turquoise macaroni salad and the family took all their clothes and slid into the tub, wallowing up to their nipples in the gooey salad which had too much turquoise mayonnaise in it. The mayonnaise had been sitting at room temperature for several hours and was congealing. They playfully threw the food into each other¡¯s faces while laughing uproariously. Sometimes they bent their long necks until their tiny heads were completely submerged in the salad. They sloppily stuffed handfuls of the salad into each others¡¯ mouths until they all moaned because they were too full. Then they had cake. Chapter 5: The Sisters’ Slave and the Swollen Sacks of the Syrupinia The apartment occupied by the six waspnosed sisters was like a college dorm. There was a common area with six doors leading to a separate boudoir and bathroom for each sister. When they first reached the common area Neisseria cast herself upon a divan while her five sisters sat on reclined in recliners, with their heads thrown back and their chins scornfully elevated. Soda stood in a corner. The sisters gave her the stench-eye. ¡°So,¡± said Soda, trying to be bold but friendly. ¡°Where¡¯s your TV set?¡± ¡°What¡¯s a TV set?¡± asked Diptheria. ¡°You know, the machine you hook a V.C.R. up to to watch feature film motion pictures?¡± ¡°What¡¯s a feature film motion picture?¡± asked Pertussia. It slowly dawned on Soda that they had no such thing as movies or videotapes on the island. Soda felt like she was going to throw up. "Why are we talking to this twerp!? Slave!" cried Ebola, "fetch me a lice comb!" "Slave!" cried Varicella, "my butt is itchy, scratch it!" "Slave!" cried Papilloma, "unfasten my girdle; it¡¯s too tight!" "Slave!" cried Pertussia, "shave my armpits!¡± "Slave!" cried Neisseria, "stand by my side and fan away my farts!¡± "Slave!" cried Diptheria, "get out of that chair. How dare you sit in our presence! By recklessly intruding into our domain you have become a slave, and being a slave you must obey us or suffer the consequences!" "What consequences?" asked Soda. "Dare to disobey us and you will quickly find out," snapped Diptheria, swaying her head from side to side on its long, swan-like neck, like the pendulum of a clock. "I don''t want any trouble," said Soda, gravely. "We came to Meningioma by mistake, and wanted to go right away again; but your father wouldn''t let us. It isn''t our fault we''re still here. If Chunks were here she¡¯d say you''re a very repulsive and horrid lot of people, with no manners to speak of, or you''d treat us nicer." "Impertinence!" cried Diptheria, savagely. "Why, it''s the truth," replied Soda. Diptheria made a rush and caught Soda by both shoulders. The angry teenager was twice the tween''s size and she shook her victim so violently that Soda''s teeth rattled together. Then Papilloma came up and slapped one side of the slave''s face and Pertussia ran forward and slapped the other side. Soda¡¯s black framed glasses flew across the room. Ebola gave Soda a push one way and Neisseria pushed her the other way, so the tween was quite out of breath and very angry when finally her punishment ceased. She had not been much hurt, though, and she was wise enough to understand that these sisters were all cruel and vindictive, so that her safest plan was to pretend to obey them. She walked over to her glasses, picked them up, and put them back on. Soda then combed the lice out of Ebola¡¯s hair, scratched Varicella¡¯s butt, unfastened Papilloma¡¯s girdle, and shaved Petrussia¡¯s armpits, all while fanning away Neisseria¡¯s farts. Then Diptheria shoved Soda over to her fleshy Syrupinia plant, whose long, curved stalks ended in drooping, swollen sacks, each one featuring a distended, dripping nipple. Soda was instructed to milk the sacks into a large jug. Every time Soda squeezed one of the sacks the thick, sticky milk sprayed a different direction, usually in her face or on her shirt and hoodie. Every now and then the plant would let out a grunt or moan. "Now, then,So-DUMB," commanded Diptheria, "go and feed my little baby queezimp." "And feed my pretty baby bunion," said Neisseria. "And feed my goofy baby googoyle," said Papilloma. "And feed my majestic baby peecock," said Ebola. "And feed my puffy baby beaver," said Influenza. "And feed my amniotic baby sloth," said Pertussia. "Anything else?" asked Soda, drawing a long breath. "We¡¯ll think of something by the time you¡¯re done properly feeding our pets," replied Neisseria, with a scowl. Soda hurried away and in the first boudoir she found the little tiny turquoise baby queezimp curled up on a ratty looking stained rug. Soda patted his head gently and this surprised the the gremlin-class yokai, who was accustomed to cuffs and kicks. He licked Sodas hand and gurgled and splurgeled like queezimps do. The girl was delighted- she had always wanted to meet a queezimp- and she found some old meat in a cupboard and fed him out of her hand, patting the baby on the head. The queezimp had never in his life known anyone so kind and gentle, so when Soda went into the next boudoir the animal followed close at her heels. The turquoise baby bunion was asleep in a ratty looking basket, but it woke- its quills standing straight up- when Soda tenderly took it in her lap and fed it milk from a turquoise dish. It was a pretty bunion and instantly knew the tween was a friend- vastly different from its own bad-tempered mistress- so it sang beautifully, as a nontufted titmouse sings, and both the baby bunion and baby queezimp followed Soda into the third boudoir. Here was a tiny baby googoyle, like the ones found in the Blecch Pyramid of Fartcano Dominion or Schnozzle Town of Mount El Culo. "Oh, you darling!" cried Soda, hugging the little googoyle tight in her arms. He was made of snot and boogers but Soda hugged him anyway. The baby monster had never been hugged before and began chattering, just as a dung beetle chatters, only in the most friendly and grateful way, and Soda fed it a handful of fresh gonadberries and petted it until the googoyle was eager to follow her wherever she might go. When she came to the fourth boudoir a handsome featherless baby peecock sat on a turquoise perch and began groaning as if it were nearly starved. Soda gave it some seeds, and while the peecock ate them she stroked gently its leathery, veiny skin. The bird-class yokai seemed much astonished at the unusual caress, and gazed upon the girl as if trying to discover why she was so kind. It had never experienced kind treatment in all his life. So it was no wonder that when the tween entered the fifth boudoir she was followed by the veiny peecock as well as the baby googoyle, bunion and queezimp, who all stood beside her and watched her feed the hairless, veiny, fluorescent puffed-up baby beaver, which she found strutting around and mewing like a gibbon for his dinner. The beaver soon came to love Soda as much as the other yokai did, and it wiggled its lumpy rump and followed after her into the next boudoir- the sixth one. As she entered this room Soda gave a start when a high pitched screechy roar greeted her. But there was no lion there; a baby amniotic sloth was making all the noise. "For goodness sake, keep quiet," said Soda. "Here''s a nice turquoise orange. The color seems all wrong, but it may taste just as good as if it was orange." Evidently it did taste good, for the sloth ate it greedily. When it was not roaring the creature was so cuddly that Soda played with it and fondled it and stroked its membrane for a long time after it had finished eating, and the other five yokai tumbled and rolled around playing with each other. A good time was being had by all but, suddenly, in pounced Diptheria, with a yell of anger. "So, this is how you waste your time, is it?" exclaimed the waspnosed teenager and grabbing Soda''s arm she jerked the girl to her feet and began pushing her from the room. All the pets began to follow her, and seeing this, Diptheria yelled at them to keep back. As they paid no attention to this command the sister seized a basin of water and dashed the fluid over the yokai, after which she renewed her attempt to push Soda from the room. The pets rebelled at such treatment, and believing they ought to protect Soda, whom they knew to be their friend, they proceeded to defend her. The little turquoise baby queezimp dashed at Diptheria and bit her right ankle with his jagged teeth, while the turquoise baby bunion shot quills into her left leg and the turquoise baby peecock flew upon her shoulder and pooped a stream of liquidy poo onto her head.. The turquoise baby googoyle rushed forward and head-butted Diptheria¡¯s leg so that she stumbled forward on her face. She rolled over and the turquoise baby baby beaver bent over and proceeded to slap her face with its flat tail while farting. Diptheria, screaming with fright, sprang to her feet again, but the turquoise baby amniotic sloth slid between her legs and tripped her up. The queezimp gurgled triumphantly as the bunion warbled noisily as the googoyle chattered as the peecock crowed as the beaver howled like a banshee.You could be reading stolen content. Head to the original site for the genuine story. Altogether, Diptheria was, as Soda later said, "scared stiff," and she howled for help until her sisters ran in and rescued her, pulling her through the bedroom into the common area. When she was alone Soda sat down on the floor and laughed until the tears came to her eyes, and she hugged all the pets and kissed them every one and thanked them for protecting her. The sisters were horrified to find Diptheria so scratched and bitten and defecated on, and they were likewise amazed at the rebellion of their six pets, which they had never petted, indeed, but kept in their boudoirs so they could abuse them whenever they felt especially ill-natured. None of the waspnosed ones dared enter the room where the tween was, but they called through a crack in the door for Soda to come out instantly. Soda, pretending not to hear, paid no attention to these commands. They all agreed that Soda needed to be punished, and tomorrow they should get do something nasty to her. But none of them could agree what to do. Diptheria wanted to have Soda spliced, and Ebola wanted her beaten with knotted veiny vines, and Papilloma wanted her thrown down a dark well, and Uterissa wanted her to be fed toxic waste, and Neisseria wanted her bound to a windmill, and so between these various desires they quarreled and argued until the dinner bell rang and they seemingly forgot all about Soda. The Schlingian tween waited until the waspnosed sextette had pranced haughtily away to the banquet hall and then she wiped her hands off on their curtains. Then she went to the door and, after making sure the six wasp-nosed sisters were far away, tiptoed out into the hallway to try to find Chunks and Pucas and eventually found her way to the kitchen, passing many surly slaves as she passed through the hallways. Chunks the Chunks Golem was delighted to see her dear friend again, and so was Pucas the Mauve Wanderer, and now that they were reunited- for a time, at least- they paid little heed to the stench-eyes and taunting remarks of the other slaves and ate heartily of the dinner, turquoise scroat-meat burritos with warm turquoise sarsaparilla which was really very quite good. Pucas ate too much and threw up. Zika Zoster was summoned to the chamber of his majesty President Scrumpox, but before he went away he led our friends to the rear of the ranch house, where he gave them a shabby room in the basement with three cots in it. Soda was relieved he hadn¡¯t taken her back to the sisters¡¯ apartment. Zika had a turquoise jumpsuit for her and insisted she changed, bundling up her old clothes and tucking them under his spindly arm. "I have to go to see Scrumpox. ''ll not be gone long,¡± said Zika Zoster, ¡°for I''m no favorite of the president. Please stay quietly in this room until my return.¡± He left and the three friends filled each other on everything they had learned while separated. The first thing they shared was their horror of discovering Viralvania had no feature film motion pictures. The majordomo found the president in a bad temper. When he had retired to his own private room, Scrumpox had decided to send for the toilet plunger he had stolen and test its thaumaturgic powers. But the toilet plunger, in his hands, proved just as common as any other toilet plunger might. He jerked on the intestine a few times and it recoiled back into the tip of the plunger. He shook it and shaked it, and turned it this way and that, commanding it to do all sorts of things. At last the president threw it down and stamped upon it and then kicked it into a corner. Then he sent for Zika Zoster. "Do you know how to work that dag-blasted toilet plunger?" he asked the majordomo. "No, sir; I do not," was the reply. "Well, we¡¯ll torture the freaks tomorrow, and soon as we find out the secret of the toilet plunger. I''m going to try a new sort of splicing- I''ll chop off their heads and mix ''em up, putting the wrong head on each of ''em. Ha, ha! Won''t it be funny to see the old crazy-quilt¡¯s head on the little puppet boy¡¯s body? Ho, Ho! Now have one of those new slaves come clean all the iguana poo off my boots.¡± Zika Zoster went away quite sad and unhappy. He did not approve the way the strangers were being treated and thought it was nefarious and cruel to try to splice them. When Zika Zoster returned he said to the captives: "You must be very careful not to anger the president, or he may do you a mischief. Now, one of you must go for the president''s boots and shine them and polish them and then take them back to his bedroom.¡± "I¡¯ll go," said Soda. She wanted to see more of the ranchion. Zika Zoster showed the girl the way to the president''s bedroom. As they proceeded they passed many rooms with closed doors, and before one of these a spliced Viralvanian was pacing up and down in a tired and sleepy way. It was Splurgeslap Splungesplat, the double of the Slapsplurge Splatsplunge Pucas and Chunks had talked with in the servants'' hall, and he bowed low before the majordomo. Zika Zoster whispered: "That is the treasury." Soda nodded. She realized that¡¯s where the toilet plunger was and marked the place well, so she couldn''t miss it if she wanted to find it again. When they came to the president''s room there was another guard before the door, this time a scrawny-necked iguanaboy with a terrible scowl. "This underling is doing some boot-shining," said Zika Zoster to the guard. "All right," answered the guard. "Our president is in an ugly mood tonight. It will go badly for this little no neck monster if it doesn''t polish the boots properly." Then Zika Zoster left because he had to go to the bathroom. Soda entered the bedroom, where the president sat drinking a turquoise glass of turquoise whiskey. "I''ve come for the boots," said the girl. The president threw his boots at her head, aiming carefully, but Soda dodged the missiles and one smashed a mirror while the other shattered a vase on a small table. His majesty looked around for something else to throw, considering the turquoise whiskey bottle, but the girl seized the boots and ran away, returning to her own room. While she polished the boots she told Chunks and Pucas that she found where the toilet plunger was stashed, and asked them to be ready to fly as soon as she returned with it. When she returned the president¡¯s boots she was going to search for the treasury key. They waited a long time, however, to give the president time to get to sleep, so it was after midnight when Soda finally took the boots in his hand and started for the bedroom. She passed the guard of the treasury- Slapsplurge- and he nodded good-naturedly to the girl. But the sleepy guard before the president''s apartments was cross and surly. The iguana boys were always sleepy because whenever they weren¡¯t working they were partying in their bungalow out past the hide barn. "What are you doing here at this hour?" he demanded. "I''m returning his majesty''s boots," said Soda. "Go back and wait till morning," commanded the surly iguanaboy. "If you prevent me from obeying the president''s orders," returned the girl, quietly, "he will probably have you spliced." This threat frightened the long-necked guard, who did not know what orders the president had given. "Go in, then," said he; "but if you make a noise and waken his majesty, the chances are you''ll done get yourself spliced.¡± ¡°I''ll be quiet," promised the girl. Indeed, Soda had no desire to waken the president, whom she found snoring lustily with the curtains of his high-posted bed drawn tightly around him. his super best friend, the vice-president, had begun sleeping in a separate room since Scrumpox had begun wetting the bed nightly. Soda tiptoed carefully into the room, set down the boots very gently and then crept to the chair where his majesty''s vest hung. Scarcely daring to breathe, for fear of awakening the terrible president, the tween searched in the pockets until she found a turquoise-gold key attached to a turquoise-gold chain which she slipped into the pocket of her hoodie. Then Soda crept softly out of the room again, and passed the long-necked guard again, finding the man half asleep, and then made his way to the treasury. Facing Splurgeslap she said to the spliced man, in a serious tone: "His majesty commands you to go at once to the corridor leading to the apartments of the six waspnosed sisters and to guard the entrance until morning. You are to permit no one to enter or to leave the apartments." "But- good gracious!" exclaimed the surprised Splurgeslap; "who will guard the treasury?" "I am to take your place," said Soda. "Oh, very well," replied Splurgeslap; "You''re not much of a guard, seems to me. If anyone tries to rob the treasury you must ring this big gong, which will alarm the whole ranch house and bring the iguanaboys to your assistance. Do you understand?" "Yes," said Soda. Then Slapsplurge stalked away to the other side of the ranch house to guard the sisters, and Soda was left alone with the key to the treasury in her hand. She placed the key in the lock and the bolt turned with a sharp click. Soda did not hesitate. She was afraid, to be sure, and her heart was beating fast with the excitement of the moment, but she knew he must regain the thaumaturgic toilet plunger if she would save her comrades and herself from destruction, for without it they could never return to Bonertania. So she summoned up her best courage, opened the door, stepped quickly inside- and closed the door after her. A low, fierce growl greeted her. Chapter 6: The Rabid Turquoise Shark The treasury was pretty dark, although the turquoise moonlight came in through some of the windows providing illumination. The treasury was heaped and crowded with all the riches the president had accumulated during his reign of two or three hundred years. Piles of accordions and meat grinders were on all sides and rare tchotchkes, bric-a-brac, geegaws and the like were strewn about the room in astonishing profusion. There were garbage bags full of used tissues, boxes of old trusses, and a collection of soiled sheets, blankets, and pillows. There were several buckets of iguana testicles and boxes and boxes of hamster bones. A stuffed humpty hump head hung on the wall. But Soda hadn¡¯t had a chance to take in any of this. She was staring across the room, where out of a pile of ouija board hovered a monstrous animal of most fearful aspect. She knew at a glance it was a terrible rabid shark and the sight of the beast sent a shiver through her. The turquoise shark''s wide jaws were armed with rows of long, pointed teeth, foamy foam spilling over their infected gums. Its beady turquoise eyes flashed wickedly at the intruder. The rabid shark sprang upon her with its enormous jaws stretched wide open. Soda dodged and dived towards a pile of soiled pillows. The shark came at her again and without thinking she picked up a plump, soggy pillow and jammed it into the brute''s mouth. The terrible teeth came together and buried themselves in the drenched pillow, and then the fish found he could not pull them out again- because his mouth was stuffed full. He dropped to the floor, rolling around while trying in vain to release himself from the conquering soiled pillow. Soda began a frantic search for the toilet plunger. Of course she could not find it, as it was not there. She came across a small book, bound in light turquoise leather, which lay upon an exquisitely carved center-table. It was named, in dark turquoise letters stamped on the leather, "The Record Book," and remembering that Zika Zoster longed to possess this book Soda decided to take it with her and shoved it into one of her pockets. Then she renewed her search for the toilet plunger, but it was quite in vain. She hunted in every crack and corner, tumbling the treasures here and there in the quest, but at last she became positive that the thaumaturgic toilet plunger had been removed from the room. The girl was bitterly disappointed and did not know what to do next. But she noticed that the rabid shark had finally seized an edge of the sofa-pillow in its fins and was struggling to pull the thing out of his mouth; so, there being no object in his remaining longer in the room, where she might have to fight the shark again, Soda went out and locked the door behind her.This tale has been pilfered from Royal Road. If found on Amazon, kindly file a report. While she stood in the corridor wondering what to do next a sudden shouting reached her ears. It was the voice of the president, crying: "My key- my key! Who has stolen my treasury key?" And then there followed shouts of bodyguards and servants and the rapid pattering of feet was heard throughout the ranch house. Soon Splurgeslap Splungesplat was found outside the president¡¯s daughter¡¯s rooms and related how Soda had taken his place as the guard of the treasury. Soda ran along the passages until she came to her room, where Chunks and Pucas were anxiously awaiting her. "Quick!" cried the girl; "we must escape from here at once or I will be caught and spliced. " "Where''s the toilet plunger?" asked Pucas. "I don''t know. I couldn¡¯t find it. But all the house is aroused and the president is furious. It won¡¯t take him long to figure out that his record book is missing and I¡¯m the one who stole it. Come, let''s get away at once!" "Where''ll we go?" inquired Pucas. "We could make for the open country and hide in the flatulence mist bank,¡± suggested Chunks. ¡°We¡¯d smell like farts but it beats being spliced.¡± As quietly as possible they snuck through the mansion up to the gate, where they easily snuck past the sleeping iguanaboy and then ran as swiftly as they could down the muddy street, which was deserted at this hour by the citizens. They met no one on the streets and continued their flight until at last they came to the tall outer wall, which had a turquoise-iron gate in it. Here was another iguanaboy guard, who had been peacefully slumbering when aroused by the footsteps of the fugitives. "Halt!" cried the guard, fiercely. Chunks halted long enough to grab the man around his long neck and twist it into a knot. The man fell to the ground, gasping for air. A moment later they had unfastened the gate and fled into the open country. The guard had managed to untie his neck was now howling and crying for help. In the country were answering shouts. A hue and cry came from every direction, reaching as far as the ranch house. Turquoise lights began to twinkle everywhere in the streets and Viralvania hummed like a hive filled with angry flying scaterpillars. Meningioma Island was not a very big place, and soon our friends were very close to the flatulence mist bank, which hung like a brownish-gray cloud directly across the center of the island. They knew they were being followed by bands of the Viralvanians, some galloping on iguanaback, for they could hear the shouts of their pursuers and the cracks of their veiny vine whips growing louder and louder every minute, since their long legs covered the ground more quickly than our friends could possibly go. Had the journey been much farther the fugitives would have been overtaken, but when the leaders of the pursuing Viralvanians were only a few yards behind them they reached the edge of the flatulence mist bank and without hesitation plunged into its thick, pungent mist. Chapter 7: Inside the Flatulenz Mist Bank ¡° this meat?" This story has been taken without authorization. Report any sightings. ¡° "I''m sorry, but I''m due at the spirochaete potentaete¡¯s court in a few minutes and I can''t wait for your short, weak legs to make the journey to Swollenlump. But if you will climb upon my back I think I can carry you to the border in one more leap." Chapter 8: Sist of the Buboes ¡° ¡° ¡± ¡° ¡° This tale has been unlawfully lifted without the author''s consent. Report any appearances on Amazon. ¡° ¡° are nice," said Sist; "but it is our country- not yours- and we have no place here for strangers. In all our history you are the first people from outside our borders who have ever stepped a foot in our land. We do not hate you, as you say the Viralvanians do, nor are we savage or cruel; but we do not want you here and I am really puzzled what to do with you." Chapter 9: Suppuration Time Although Soda and her comrades were still prisoners they were far more comfortable than they had been in Viralvania. Rikugun-Taisho Toomar took them to her own home, where she lived in great luxury, being one of the prominent Buboes. They went into Toomar¡¯s house and sat at her dinner table with her super best friend Bartholin, a stay-at-home dad. Toomar went to the front door and rang a bell and yelled: ¡°Kids! Suppuration time!¡±. Two plump children waddled in and joined them at the table. Each family member had a bowl set before them. They leaned forward holding their faces over the bowl, then squeezed the sides of their head. Eventually a magenta tapioca pudding-like substance began oozing out of their eyes¡­ then their noses¡­ then their mouths. A great deal spurted out of their top knots, missing the bowls and splattering across the table. They kept squeezing out goo until the bowls were filled. Then each family member moved their bowl to the family member to their left, then they all started ravenously eating the gunge with big magenta gold spoons. Fortunately the Toomars had some swankberries amd cranknuts for Soda and Pucas to eat. Chunks, being a golem, didn¡¯t require food but she sat and engaged in conversation. She asked Toomar if anyone had been thrown off the skyland before. Toomar answered: ¡°Once there was a ruler of the Buboes who was cruel and overbearing and imagined he was superior to the people he ruled, so one day his subjects carried him to the edge of the island and threw him over the shrubberies." "Ugga magugga!" said Soda. "He might landed on someone and killed them!" "Maybe that¡¯s where my magenta cheek came from!" added Chunks They found the meal adequate. Pucas only barfed up half of it. The rest of the evening was pleasant, although the trio realized in horror that just like the Viralvanians, the Buboes had never heard of motion picture feature films. Toomar had an extensive library but trying to read magenta type on the magenta paper gave Soda a headache. They were shown to a prettily furnished room- all in magenta, of course. Soda and Pucas slept soundly in the soft beds provided for them. Chunks, who needed no sleep, stayed up all night thinking of dirty limericks. The next morning after breakfast they were led back to Sist¡¯s shack. "Come in, please," said Sist, opening the door for them, and when they had entered she indicated a rough magenta wood bench for Soda and Pucas to sit upon. Chunks sat on the floor. Sist went back to her throne, which was an upside down bucket. The small room was full of a dozen Buboes in particularly gaudy looking bathrobes. When our friends were seated Sist turned to them and said: "I have searched through the great book of laws and found nothing about foreign people entering our land. There is a law that if any of the Viralvanians break through the flatulence mist bank they shall be driven back with pointed petrified poo sticks; but you are not Viralvanians, so this law does not apply to you. Therefore, in order to decide your fate, I have summoned a council of twelve of my people, who will vote as to whether you shall be permitted to remain here or not. They will examine you carefully and discover if you are worthy to become inhabitants of Swollenlump." "What we''d like," said Soda, "is to stay here, cozy and peaceful, till we can find a way to get home to Bonertania again. Your country is much nicer than Viralvania.¡± ¡°And we like you pretty well, from what we''ve seen of you,¡± added Chunks. ¡°So,¡± Soda continued, ¡°if you''ll let us stay, we won''t be any more trouble to you than we can help." Unauthorized duplication: this tale has been taken without consent. Report sightings. All the Buboes all gazed upon the interlopers curiously, and one of them said: "How strange their skin color is! And their turquoise clothes! They are not like our people and would not harmonize with the universal color here.¡± Another added: ¡°Anyone gazing upon that big one will get an instant headache!¡± "That''s true," said another; "the three strangers are all inharmonious. If allowed to remain here they would ruin the color scheme of the country." "In spite of that," said Toomar, "they are harmless creatures and have done us no wrong." "Yes, they have," replied a nervous sweaty Buboe; "they wronged us by coming here. I see there are but two things for us to do: either permit them to remain here as guests or take them to an edge of the island and throw them over the bushes into the sky." Soda and Pucas had now become worried and anxious, for they knew if they were tossed over the edge of the island they would probably be killed. The skyle was either hovering over land, which would splatter them; the toxic wasteland, which would obliterate them; or the ocean, which would drown them. Chunks frowned and set her jaws tight together. The golem had made up her mind to make a good fight for her tweenage friends, if she had to. The twelve counselors then voted, and when the vote was counted Sist announced that six had voted to allow the strangers to remain and six to toss them over the shrubberies. "We seem evenly divided on this matter," remarked the empress, with a puzzled look at her council. Soda thought the empress was their friend, so she said: "Of course you''ll have the deciding vote, then, you being the empress." "Oh, no," replied Sist. "Since I have asked these good people to advise me it would be impolite to side against some of them and with the others. That would imply that the judgment of some of my counselors is wrong, and the judgment of others right. I must ask some one else to cast the deciding vote. I shall call upon Excrescence. She is wise and honest and will decide the matter justly." Excrescence was the Royal Thaumaturge. The Buboes seemed to approve this choice, so Sist rose and took a small magenta paper parcel from a drawer. In it was a magenta powder which she scattered upon the seat of a big magenta armchair. Then she lighted this powder with a magenta flame, which at first flashed vivid magenta and then filled all the space around the chair with a thick magenta cloud of smoke. Presently the smoke cleared away, when they all saw seated within the chair a very unusual looking Buboe. Whereas all the Buboes looked so plump that they could burst at any moment, Excrescence looked sort of like a deflated balloon, or a wrung-out dishrag. Large flaps of skin hung down off her face. Her hair had all but fallen out, revealing that Buboes have fleshy nodules under their top knots. Despite her ragged and sad look she still had a very pleasant and approachable air about her. All the Buboes present bowed very respectfully to Excrescence, who returned the salutation with a dignified nod. Then Sist began to explain the presence of the three strangers and the difficulty of deciding what to do with them. Excrescence was particularly interested in the part about the enchanted flying toilet plunger. "I have summoned you here that you may cast the deciding vote," added the empress. "What shall we do, Excrescence: allow them to remain here as guests, or toss them over the shrubberies into the sky?" Excrescence attentively examined the faces of the three Bonertanians. She started humming tunelessly to herself. She leaned over, lifting one cheek and letting out a strange, strangled sounding fart. Eventually she cleared her throat and said: ¡°I favor taking the strangers to the edge of the island and casting them into the sky.¡± For a moment there was perfect silence in the room. All present realized that this was a decree of death to the strangers. Soda was gobsmacked at the decision and for a moment she thought her heart had stopped beating, for a cold wave of fear swept over her. Pucas puked, but only enough to fill his mouth and he swallowed it back down. "The case is decided," announced Sist, in a clear, cold voice. "The three strangers shall be taken at once to the edge of the island and thrown over the shrubberies into the sky." Some of the Buboes looked pleased and some troubled at this, but they all prepared to escort the prisoners to the nearest edge of the island. They picked up their sharp poo sticks and, surrounding the doomed captives, commanded them to march to meet their fate. Chapter 10: A Special Guest Star Soda, Chunks, and Pucas were confronting an important crisis in their strange adventures, with possible death at their journey''s end. With their sharpened petrified poo sticks the Buboes of Swollenlump poked and prodded them out of the town and towards the eastern edge of the skyland. They traversed through a forest of fleshtrees baring ranknuts, funknuts, and donkeynuts. The country was not so trim and neatly kept near the edge, for it was evident the people did not care to go too near to the dangerous place. There was a row of thick shrubberies around the edge, which concealed the void below. "Two of you seize the girl and throw her over," said Sist, in a calm, matter-of-fact way, "and two others must throw the puppet boy over. It may take four, perhaps, to lift the huge crazy-quilt one." "More than that," said Chunks, grimly while pushing up the sleeves of her turquoise jumpsuit. "I''m pretty sure it''ll take all of you dork-butts, and the chances are you won''t do it then. Cuz I¡¯ll have pummeled you." Soda wondered where Chunks sudden thirst for violence had come from. They might need to have a talk later. Then suddenly it got dark and started raining. Within seconds it was a regular downpour of thick, yellow drops. All the Buboes gasped, threw down their poo sticks and dropped to the ground, prostrating themselves. Now there appeared through a rift in the clouds the source of the storm: Immense, furry brown buttocks were lowering themselves towards the island, the yellow liquid spraying from between the cheeks. The gargantuan bottom and cloaca belonged to a hirsute insuffilating viper. These creatures sailed through the skies of Sifillis, sucking in clouds and flatulenz mist and excreting rain. The furry serpents are generally two to three miles long, with a single eye bulging over a long narrow mouth full of teeth on one end, and a big bulbous butt on the other. This viper was named Serpantalon and he was infested. There were hundreds of families of parasitoids who had lived for generations on his back, forming a complex, multi-tiered community and a city that included apartment buildings, suburbs, a theater district, a factory district, and one huge mansion (surrounded by a massive croquet course) belonging to the town¡¯s most powerful and influential family, the Kenchingtons. Steadily, yet with wonderful swiftness, the rear end of the great beast descended until it rested upon the magenta field- almost at the feet of the little party of observers. The yellow precipitation ceased squirting from his bottom hole. All the buboes wailed in terror or awe. The matted-fur-covered rump let out a brief, warm fart that made everyone close their eyes and gag for a moment. Then, rubbing their eyes, they saw, dancing gaily upon the creature¡¯s butt, a score of beautiful mites, fleas, lice, ticks, and chiggers, ranging in size from six inch tall toddlers to eight foot tall giants. Just then one of the burnt umber chiggers skipped lightly down the crack of the H.I.V.¡¯s butt. She was the most beautiful of the airborne beast¡¯s parasites, with high cheek bones and sensuous clacking mandibles. Her black eyes, blonde hair, and elegant antennae glistened in the magenta sun and she wore a beautiful sleeveless rainbow colored frock that showed off her two slender segmented legs and four slender segmented arms. With one graceful leap she sprung off the fuzzy butt and landed in front of our heroes. "Its Edwige!" said Pucas. "Hello, Edwige!" "Squid-boy!" replied Edwige Kenchington in a sweet, tinkling voice."The last time I saw you, Pucas, was in Schmegma City! You haven¡¯t gotten any taller since then." She grabbed the tiny puppety tween and hugged him in her four spindly arms. The Kenchingtons were the richest chiggers on Serpantalon, and Edwige, the youngest daughter of the family was the most popular and beloved celebrity on the viper¡¯s back. Not only was she a generous philanthropist- funding many charitable foundations, art initiatives, film festivals, and a youth center- but she was also a hoo-hoo: One of the beings on Sifillis that were born with thaumaturgic powers that kicked in at puberty. The young Edwige was just starting to learn what her powers were and how to control them. Pucas introduced Edwige to Soda and Chunks. The Buboes, still all lying on the ground, all watched in awe. They worshipped all airborne vipers and had never been this close to one. And the fact that these visitors were friends with one of the inhabitants of the viper was incredibly impressive. "These Buboes want to kill us, Edwige!¡± said Pucas. ¡°Can you help us?" "Tell me," she said gently to the felt-skinned boy, "why are you here, and why do these people of the sky wish to destroy you?" Find this and other great novels on the author''s preferred platform. Support original creators! In a few hurried words Pucas related how they reached one end of the skyland and were now to be thrown off the other end. As they talked Serpantalon began to fade gradually, like mist, and the magenta sun broke through the magenta clouds and shot its cheering rays over Swollenlump until presently the H.I.V. had vanished altogether and the only reminder of it was the lovely Edwige standing among the wondering band of Buboes. Edwige listened to Pucas and then turned to the Buboes. "You may all get to your feet.¡± The Buboes did, many struggling due to their great plumpness. Edwige addressed Empress Sist: ¡°Why have you decreed death to these innocent strangers?" she asked. "They do not harmonize with our color scheme," replied Empress Sist. "That is utter nonsense," declared Edwige, impatiently. "You''re so dreadfully magenta here that your color, which in itself is beautiful, has become tame and insipid. What you really need is some sharp contrast to enhance the charm of your country, and to keep these three people with you would be a benefit rather than an injury to you." At this the Buboes looked downcast and ashamed, while only Excrescence laughed and seemed to enjoy the rebuke. Soda wondered why the viper had disappeared and thought that they could¡¯ve easily escaped on it. "See," stammered Sist, "the great book of laws says our country shall harbor none but the Buboes." "Does it, indeed?" asked the chig chigger. "Come, let us return at once to your city and examine your book. I am quite sure I can find in them absolute protection for these poor wanderers." They dared not disobey the magnificent Edwige Kenchington''s request, so at once they all turned and walked back to Empress Sist¡¯s tiny shack, where the great book of laws lay upon a table. Edwige began turning the magenta pages, while the others all watched her anxiously and in silence. "Here," she said presently, "is a law which reads as follows: ''Everyone in Swollenlump is entitled to the protection of the ruler and to a house and a good living, except only the Viralvanians. If any of the natives of Viralvania should ever break through the flatulence mist bank they must be driven back with sharp sticks.'' Have you read this law, Sist?" "Yes," said the empress; "but how does that apply to these strangers?" "Why, being in Swollenlump, as they surely are, and not being Viralvanians, they are by this law entitled to protection, to a home and good living. The law does not say ''Buboes,'' it says any who are in Swollenlump." "True," agreed Toomar, greatly pleased, and all the other Buboes nodded their heads and repeated: "True- true! True-true!" Toomar farted. "I am indeed relieved to have you interpret the law in this way," declared Empress Sist. "I knew it was cruel to throw these poor people over the edge, but that seemed to us the only thing to be done." "It was cruel and unjust," answered Edwige, as sternly as her sweet voice could speak. "But here," she added, for she had still continued to turn the leaves of the great book, "is another law which you have also overlooked. It says: ''The person living in Swollenlump who has the lightest skin shall be the ruler as long as he or she lives, and this ruler''s commands all the people must obey.'' Do you know this law?" "Oh, yes," replied Sist. "That is why I am the empress. You will notice my complexion is of a lighter magenta than that of any other of my people." "Yes," remarked Edwige, looking at her critically. Edwige knew that power systems based on the color of people¡¯s skin were antiquated nonsense. But she was willing to play along to teach them a lesson. "When you were made empress without doubt you had the lightest colored skin in all Swollenlump. But now you are no longer empress of the Buboes, Sist." Those assembled were so startled by this statement that they gazed at the Hirsute Insuffilating Viper''s most famous citizen in astonishment for a time. Then Sist asked: "Why not?" "Because here is one lighter in color than yourself," pointing to Soda. "This girl is, by the law of the great book, the rightful empress of the Buboes, and as loyal citizens you are all obliged to obey her commands. Give me that circlet from your brow, Sist." Without hesitation Sist removed the magenta-gold circlet with its glittering magenta dusted diamond and handed it to Edwige, who turned and placed it upon Soda''s brow. Then she called in a loud, imperative voice: "Greet your new empress, Buboes!" One by one they all advanced, knelt before Soda and pressed her hand to their lips. Soda felt very awkward. "Long live empress Soda!" called out Chunks, dancing around in great delight; "Vive la- vive la- ah, ah- Soda!" "Thank you, Edwige!" said Pucas gratefully. "Why, I have done nothing," returned Edwige, smiling upon him; "it is the law of the country. Isn''t it surprising how little most people know of their laws? Are you all contented, Buboes?" she asked, turning to the people. "We are!" they cried. Then several of the lumpy people waddled out to spread the news throughout the city and country, so that a vast crowd soon began to gather in the court of the statues. Chapter 11: The Empress Declares War ¡° ¡° ¡° ¡° The author''s narrative has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon. ¡°