《Howard Be Thy Name》 Prologue A line of hooded figures, outlined against the night sky by the full moon, was ascending the steep mountain pass. They had assembled this night to perform a historic act of magic, the likes of which the world had never seen. At least that''s what they had told Rel. Rel was fairly new to the Order of the Hidden Magi, and as such, was unusually assigned menial tasks, such as the one he was currently employed. His job was to lug the necessary ritual ingredients up the steep mountain pass. So, as the hooded order members serenely ascended the mountain, Rel was left to haul packs. Eventually, with his thick ceremonial robe soaked through with sweat, Rel ascended the mountain for the last time. Finally, arriving in the dimly lit ritual chamber, Rel had a chance to look around. The chamber was a natural cave that had been expanded at some point. A good number of stalactites hung from the ceiling, a number of them so huge that they merged into stalagmites in massive columns. Of these natural formations, a series of pillars were carved out of dark stalactite stone. Running along the edge of the chamber a small waterfall had carved a passage downward into the depth of the mountain. This passage was often used by the Order to dispose of grisly evidence and spent ritual ingredients. On the floor of the chamber, surrounded by the nubs of lowly burning candles, was a very complex array of sigils. Despite being an accomplished magus himself, the array made Rel¡¯s head spin just to look at it. Rel was startled out of his reverie by the sound of a throat being cleared. He looked up to see the leader of their cabal, the Grandmaster. The mysterious figure usually remained Masked and silent at all previous meetings, preferring instructions and updates be given through one of the other officers or lieutenants of the order. The Mask of the Grandmaster took the shape of a grotesquely styled skull, hiding his identity which was only known to a select few of the top officers in the Order of the Hidden Magi. The masked figure cleared its throat once again before the room fell deathly still. ¡°My fweinds and bwothews of the odew, now that the final bwothew and our newest membew wewl is hewe, we may begin.¡± began the figure in a deep baritone. ( My friends and brothers of the order, now that the final brother and our newest member Rel is here, we may begin )Stolen from its rightful author, this tale is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings. Rel had to stifle a chuckle, when looking around he saw that the other members of the order were enraptured by the speaker. ¡°Tonight is a Histowic occasion. After many yeaws of toil and Sacwafice, the time is finawy wight to finish what we began many a yeaw ago. ¡° he continued. ( Tonight is a Historic occasion. After many years of toil and Sacrifice, the time is finally wight to finish what we began many a year ago. ) ¡°Many of you do not know me as anonymity sewved ouw cause wew in the past. But tonight we compwete ouw gweat wowk. Tonight, I need not wowy about what the short-sighted mages or kingdoms may think.¡± he said as he began to remove his mask. (Many of you don''t know me as anonymity served our cause well in the past. But tonight we complete our great work. Tonight, I need not worry about what the short-sighted mages or kingdoms may think.) ¡° I am Awch Mage Nefawium Mewevowa, of the house of Mawevowa.¡± said the archmage. (I am Awch Mage Nefarium Mallevola, of the house of Mallevola.) This information was quite a shock to Rel. The archmage was a well-known scholar and headmaster of the great college of Valis. The archmage was known for his controversial experimentation, especially in the field of void logistics and extraplanar rituals. On top of that, the House of Malevola was a prominent great house in the kingdom of Valorica, the largest kingdom on the continent. The house of Malevola was known to produce ambitious and talented people, as well as its fair share of traditionally evil characters. The last lich that had plagued Valorica was said to have come from the house of Malevola. The archmage had a thin angular face with an aquiline crooked nose, his face a distinctly elven origin. He had small, almost black eyes that seemed to pierce into the soul. Rel noted that the archmage seemed not too dissimilar to a predatory bird. ¡°My bwothews, tonight, we wiw summon one of the gweat othows who wive beyond the staws. We wiw summon the Hawowed one!¡± (My brothers, tonight, we will summon one of the great others who live beyond the stars. We will summon the Hallowed one!) Cheers greeted this final pronouncement, as the ritual began. The complex array of sigils on the ground began to glow red as the candles flared high. Arcane symbols began to float off the array and form some sort of structure in the middle of the circle of candles. The Arch Mage began to chant in a hollow voice, an incantation that was far too complex for Rel to be able to follow at such a quick pace. Soon, the lieutenants and officers of the order began to add their voices to the discordant chant. The hooded figures that made up the body of the order began to file forward in a line to where a pair of figures stood in front of the sigils rising off of the array that was beginning to take the shape of a gate. The gate wardens each held a gold-inlaid, obsidian dagger and a small, silver bowl. The line moves forward steadily with each order member cutting their palm with the dagger and allowing their blood to drip into the bowl. As blood from the bowls was splashed onto the slowly forming gateway, the candles flared a bright red. As the last participants splashed their blood onto the gate, the chanting rose to a fever pitch. The candle''s flames flared high, turning from a mild orange-and-red to a deep, crimson red, washing the chamber in a ruddy light. The Arch Mage pulled an obsidian dagger from within his sleeve and splashed his blood on the arch. Intoning in his Hollow baritone ¡°Oh gweat Fathew of the awcane, the wift cawvew, he with the maw of many siwvewy tongues. I Call to you, I Beseech you, I Summon you.¡± (-Oh great Father of the arcane, the rift carver, he with the maw of many silvery tongues¡­) The candles fared higher still, as the blood coalesced into a liquid veil between the arches. ¡° I SUMMON THE HAWOWED ONE!¡± (I SUMMON THE HALLOWED ONE!¡± ) Chapter 1: A Train, An Old Lady, and a Pink PT Cruiser The day began as normal for Howard. His alarm woke him at 6:30 AM sharp, at which point he hit the snooze button and went back to sleep. His alarm awoke him again at 7:00, only for Howard to snooze it yet again. He was having a great dream that involved selling cars to dragons. Howard didn''t have to worry about disturbing anyone else with his constant alarms, as he lived alone in a small studio apartment. He had no pets due to being allergic to most types of furs. At one point, Howard was joined in his apartment by James, a goldfish. They spent a few happy years together until James'' death. After James had died, Howard decided not to replace him. The alarm awoke Howard once again at 7:30, this time Howard turned off the alarm, rolled over, and fell back asleep. Half an hour later, Howard was finally awoken by a rush of panic as he realized he was dangerously close to being late for work. He quickly showered and dressed, before making his only concession to breakfast, in the form of some toast, before finally rushing out the door. As usual, if Howard did not move quickly, he would miss his bus. While awaiting the bus, it had become part of Howard¡¯s daily ritual to ponder the irony of taking the bus to work, as Howard was a used car salesman. He hadn''t always been a used car salesman. He had gone to college, but he had found that college life was not for him. So, despite the protests of his parents, he dropped out. He intended for it to be a temporary pause, but after getting a job at Donovan''s Premium Cars, Howard had not gone back. Mr. Donovan was a good boss, all things considered. Mr. Domonic Donovan tended towards crass, which more often than not tended to drive away customers, but he took care of his people. The dealership paid decently, especially in commission, and he had a full package of health care. What more could a man ask for? Howard often found himself wondering just that on the long monotonous bus ride to the dealership. Howard arrived at the dealership to the usual smells of diesel fuel and coffee. Diesel from the bus and coffee from the dealership. Mr. Donovan always liked a fresh pot of coffee on the go, no matter the time of day, which was unfortunate as he tended to burn it. Mr Donovan had bought a fancy coffee machine, but neglected to learn how to use it, thus resulting in acidic burnt coffee, much to Howard¡¯s chagrin. Howard entered the dealership to the greeting of Mr. Donnovan and his son Derrick. Howard grabbed some coffee before being waved over by Mr. Donnovan. ¡°Alright,¡± Mr. Donnovan said turning towards Howard, This would be the only greeting Howard got from the man, Just like every other day. ¡° Here''s the deal for today, Howard, your first appointment is with Mrs. Ethel Johnson, she is looking at the Toyota Corolla but I want you to talk her into the PT cruiser we have had sitting on the lot for a while.¡± Before Howard could respond Mr. Donnovan turned to his son. ¡° Rick You''ve got the young Trenton Sinclair the Third. He''s young and he''s got lots of easy cash, I want you to up-sell him either the Miata or the Challenger. When I say upsell him, I mean upsell him. This kid is a nincompoop. He barely knows how to tie his shoes let alone the price of a car.¡± If you spot this tale on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation. ¡°You got it pops,¡± Derrick responded as Mr. Donnovan began walking to his office. Howard quickly walked to catch up with Mr. Donovan. ¡°Hold on boss, why the PT? We have a perfectly good Corolla that we can upcharge her for and it''s not a lemon. She¡¯s an old lady boss, we can turn a profit without completely screwing her over.¡± Mr. Donovan gave Howard an exasperated look before saying tiredly ¡° Howard we have been over this before. It''s not about screwing over the old lady, it''s about inventory turnover rate. It costs money to have cars on the lot.¡± ¡°I know boss, but an old lady?¡± ¡°Just sell the car, Howard.¡± Mr. Donnovan sighed before closing the door to his office. The rest of the morning was fairly uneventful for Howard. He took some calls, mostly misdials or the occasional genuine customer. The calls and the burnt coffee took up the time until his first appointment of the day, Mrs. Johnson. The elderly lady hobbled into the front door with as much vigor as her old bones would allow. ¡°Good morning Howard, Dominic burned the coffee again.¡± she began without preamble in her sweet little old lady voice. Mrs. Johnson continued before Howard could respond, apparently taking Howard''s consigned look as confirmation. ¡°Come on then Howard, show me the clunker that Domonic wants to pawn off on me. He thinks I''m too old to tell the difference between quality and a lemon, hmph." She continued shooting a significant look across the room at Mr. Donovan. Howard led Mrs. Johnson outside to the lot. Howard looked back towards the office before leaning over to whisper to Mrs. Johnson. ¡°You know we don''t have to look at the Cruiser, I can just tell Mr.Donovan that we looked and you didn''t like it.¡± ¡°No, no Howard, you''re such a nice boy. If Mr. Donovan wants you to show me the clunker, we will look at the clunker first. I don''t want you to risk your job for me deary. What''s the worst that can happen?¡± ¡°Ok, Mrs. Johnson if you''re sure,¡± Howard said, leading the old woman over to the PT cruiser that had been on the lot for a while. Howard had not had to deal with the car before as for the most part people looking for cars online avoided it like the plague for good reason. The Cruiser was a Hot Pink convertible that still had traces of some sort of fake eyelashes like one of those pyramid scheme mobiles. Not only was the car ugly as sin but generally not a great car. Normally dealerships would repaint a car that heinous, but Mr. Donnovan is a big believer in not doing anything beyond the minimum to cut into the profit margin. Mrs. Johnson''s eyes widened at the sight and muttered something like ¡°No wonder they can''t sell this piece of shit¡± Howard pretended not to hear as they got into the cruiser. On top of the ugliness of the car, the interior was uncomfortable and slow to accelerate... Howard found himself sinking down in the seat at red lights to avoid the stares of other commuters. About seven minutes into the drive Mrs. Johnson leaned over to Howard ¡° I think I''ve had about enough of this car dear. Do you know anywhere nice we can park for the rest of the test drive?¡± ¡° I think we are fairly close to an old railway station. If we are lucky we can watch Big Bess leave the station.¡± Big Bess was the town''s only steam engine left. Kept in working condition by some hobbyists. It was a big tourist draw for the town not just to see the train but to ride it. The train had been out of commission for the past few weeks due to an incident with the brakes but it was supposed to start running again that day. Mrs. Johnson Turned off the main road into Caboose Park navigating towards the main attraction of the park. As they turned into the park Howard got a sinking sensation in his stomach like a premonition of terrible things to come. Howard dismissed this feeling as putting it down to terrible coffee and lack of a filling breakfast. It was at this point that the car started to wheeze and pop... Mrs. Johnson looked over at Howard for an explanation but Howard had his eyes closed and was breathing deeply. Howard''s head was swimming and he had an inexplicable ringing in his ears that sounded like far-away chanting. As the PT cruiser began crossing railroad tracks that intersected with the road it gave a final wheeze as it came to a standstill in the middle of the tracks. Mrs. Johnson turned the key in the ignition in an attempt to revive the car, but it was no use. Howard was at that moment writhing as if in pain and muttering nonsense words under his breath. Mrs. Johnson shook Howard with increasing intensity as she felt a rumble through the car. Finally, she slapped Howard as a distant high-pitched whistle confirmed her fears. ¡° If I''m going to die it''s not going to be in this piece of crap,¡± Mrs. Johnson said as she quickly scrambled out of the car and over the passenger side. As the rumble and whistle grew increasingly close Mrs. Johnson opened the passenger door and unbuckled Howard. She realized quickly that she would be unable to lift the semi-unconscious man opting instead to drag him. The train seemed to be picking up speed as the rumbling seemed to grow. A high-pitched screeching pierced the air as the conductors finally noticed the car stopped on the track and attempted to break. Mrs. Johnson looked up from her ineffective attempts to drag Howard, at the sound of screeching brakes. With one final pull, Mrs. Johnson tugged at Howard only to lose her grip and slip off the tracks herself. Chapter two: Death of a salesman? The odd discordant chanting was the first thing that Howard became aware of. It was a faraway echoing sound like an alarm that had seamlessly integrated itself into a dream, and like a dream, it slowly began to fade as Howard gained consciousness. Howard''s first thoughts were hazy. The only things he could remember were something about a train, an old lady and a pink PT Cruiser. Had he died? If so, where was he now, and what did a pink PT cruiser have to do with it? Howard tried to look around only to realize that there wasn''t anything to see. Literally. Just as Howard realized that his surroundings were entirely blank. Large text seemed to appear from the ground like an imitation of animation effects in PowerPoint. Congratulations you are being summoned¡­. Please hold¡­. What? He thought. As the words seemed to bounce around his head. ¡°Excuse me, why is the text comic sans?¡± Howard attempted to ask. ¡°Like any other text would have been fine, Comic Sans is the worst,¡± Howard exclaimed to the uncaring void. No sound escaped his mouth. Now that he had tried to speak he realized he didn''t have a mouth, or for that matter a corporeal form at all. The text seemed to be in every direction. It didn''t seem to matter where Howard looked. ¡°Well this is new¡± Howard attempted to say again. He seemed to be a disembodied consciousness floating in a void only disturbed by the massive floating text. Howard got the feeling that the text or the void wasn''t there. Howard was fairly certain that his possibly dead brain or soul was interpreting his experience in a way he could understand. The text began to fade out in imitation of PowerPoint fade animation as new text began to appear. ERROR¡­. ¡°Huh, well that can''t be good.¡± Howard thought, speaking into the void. ¡°At least it''s not comic sans this time.¡± Attempting resumoning¡­. As the Error message faded out the stillness of the void was shattered as a rift began to split into existence. It began as a jagged scar on the pristine white of the void slowly spreading in what Howard considered upward. As the scar began to widen, cracks began to spread like the cracks on a broken mirror webbing out in every direction. Pieces began to fall off of the void in jagged chunks, as a face slowly began to emerge. The scar like the text before seemed to take up Howard''s entire field of view no matter which direction Howard turned his consciousness as the scar continued to spread upward. A huge eye was the first thing that materialized on the other side of the crack in the void. The eye was a jaundiced yellow Sclera, the Iris was a deep purple and the pupil was split like a reptile. The eye seemed to be staring straight at Howard, despite his apparent lack of body. This story originates from Royal Road. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there. ¡°I am dead for all of five seconds and I''m already encountering eldritch horrors beyond human comprehension, that''s gotta be some kind of record. Yup something to be proud of, right up there with employee of the month.¡± Howard thought spoke again while doing his best to try and put as much distance between himself and the entity to little progress. His current method of leaning with his mind seemed ineffective at best. The eye shifted out of view as a slew of silvery tentacles shot in Howard''s direction. Rerouting The Hallowed One¡­. The text was a welcome relief even if it was in comic sans. As the text rose into existence a painful shriek pierced the void, and the silvery tentacles began to rapidly recede as the Scar whose enormity once filled Howard''s vision began to close. The spider webbing cracks began to close becoming smaller and smaller until they weren''t visible at all. Not long after the scar had dwindled from a trench in the side of the void to the size of a house, then a minivan slowly sealing itself and restoring the void to its former tranquility. Establishing Corporeal form¡­ At this point, Howard had managed to float over to where the scar had been previously. Howard''s body began to materialize beginning with his head and moving downward. ¡°All right!¡± Howard exclaimed as his previously absent body materialized in front of his eyes. Howard was left floating in the air for a few moments longer before gravity felt the need to remind Howard that it existed. Howard fell to what he supposed was the ground with a thud, though he couldn''t really tell the difference between the ground and anywhere else. The ¡°ground¡± was roughly parallel to where the scar had originally opened. ¡°Ouch! I don''t suppose you could have warned me that falling would be an issue.¡± ¡°I¡¯ll take that as a no.¡± He said after a few moments of no response. Howard examined his newly materialized body to make sure nothing was broken. The good news was that he was probably fine, the bad news was that he was naked. ¡°Can I at least have some pants?¡± he yelled into the void. Establishing Pants¡­ The words were followed swiftly by pants. They felt like pajama pants made out of clouds, insubstantial but comfy. Analyzing¡­ ¡° Analyzing? Analyzing what, there isn''t very much here.¡± Howard said, looking around into the emptiness of the void around him. Nothing changed for quite a while. No new words or massive rifts in the void broke the monotony. Quickly becoming bored Howard began to look around, and when he realized there was nothing to see he began to pace. While he paced Howard tried to remember how he had gotten here, and for that matter who he was at all. He concluded that his name was indeed Howard and he sold cars. What a car was exactly took a good amount of pacing before he managed to recall. Howard was drawing close to what coffee was when he quite accidentally discovered a slight lump in the smoothness of the ¡°floor¡±. It appeared to be a chunk of the wall that had fallen off when the scar had appeared. As he began to examine the glassy substance in his hand he almost dropped it in surprise as text appeared again in the void. He slipped the substance into his pocket absent-mindedly as he read the words. Granting Boon¡­. ¡°Oh this is good right, boons I like boons.¡± Said Howard excitedly ¡°Can I have coffee? I can''t remember what it is but I remember that it was definitely good.¡± Select Vessel¡­ ¡° What do you mean by vessel? Like a vase or a ship? ¡°Howard asked confusedly. When he received no response he continued trying to guess what the enigmatic words meant. ¡°Or like the VW beetle from the Love Bug being the vessel for Herbie the car''s awareness?¡± VW Beetle Accepted¡­. ¡°Well, I didn''t know what I was expecting.¡± Restarting Summoning sequence¡­. Summoning Successful¡­. The odd discordant chanting returned and seemed to grow in intensity as Howard felt a pushing sensation. The pushing felt as if someone was softly pushing him from behind in the small of his back which he resisted with ease. ¡°Hold on, quit pushing me. I just got here and I didn''t even get my boon!¡± Howard shouted into the void. The gentle pushing quickly became a violent and constant shove as Howard seemed to be shepherded toward a newly forming hole in the floor. Howard noticed as he was violently shoved towards it, that differently to the scar in reality, the hole had clean edges. As the hole grew larger in his vision that resistance seemed futile and since he was probably dead already Howard decided that he should probably just accept his fate. As Howard fell into the hole and his vision began to go black one last message seemed to appear. Congratulations on being born, Good luck! Chapter 3: Interdimensional Slip N’ Slides and Their Consequences Howard found interdimensional travel to be distinctly uncomfortable. He supposed that the experience could be likened to birth as the parting message from Comic Sans flashed through his mind. Not that Howard remembered being born, but it wasn''t much of a stretch to compare the two experiences. Howard felt as if he were being compressed on all sides and strangely wet. Howard couldn''t conceive as to where said wetness was coming from, and he couldn''t move his hands let alone the rest of his body to try and find out. Howard had tried initially to move and orient himself in some way. When sitting or standing hadn¡¯t worked, he had tried to wiggle. There seemed to be no way to orient himself or move whatsoever. He seemed to be oriented in the way in which he fell into the hole, that being head first. This left Howard with a lot of time to think. Howard tried to think about his past and who he was, but everything before seeming to gain consciousness in the void was fuzzy. Thinking about it, the void was weird. Howard thought that if he was dead he should be heading somewhere about now, somewhere bad maybe? He had a flash of memory involving somewhere hot and perpetually on fire. A land of famine and drought, where desiccated ghouls seemed to run everything from gilded spires overlooking it all. A name floated to the top of his consciousness, California. No, that couldn''t be right, and even if it was he hoped that this wasn''t the case, and besides this didn''t seem to match up with what Cosmic Sans had relayed before falling into the interdimensional slip n¡¯ slide. Howard seemed to be drawn forward in a series of short bursts preceded by an increase in compression. It seemed at once both fairly quick and an excruciatingly long time before Howard saw the literal light at the end of the tunnel. As suddenly as Howard had been drawn into the hole, Howard was expelled from the tunnel. ¡ª---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Rel Rel watched with bated breath as the portal pulsed with increasing frequency until a loud pop broke the silence. A creature slid through the portal face-first across the ground, trailing some sort of clear viscous goop. Rel, as part of his induction to the Order of the Hidden Magi, had had to study the Book of the Tattered Fabric. A tome of forbidden knowledge collected by scholars, mages, and void researchers; the Book of the Tattered Fabric was among other things a collection of descriptions of the entities that existed in extra-dimensional spacetime outside of reality as mortals comprehend. It also happened to be incredibly boring. The tome often went out of its way to try and describe the creatures and beings that had been observed and the creature that had come out of the portal matched nothing in the book. Rel figured that the majority of the descriptions were wildly inaccurate or extremely embellished, but most of the descriptions waxed eloquently for pages about the unknowable greatness of these creatures of the void. This creature was not some massive tentacled beast or crab-armed monster. The creature looked almost like an elf or Ver, though similar in body shape the creature seemed too tall to be a dwarf but also too short to be an orc, and was most definitely not some unknowable interdimensional entity. As a half-elf himself, Rel was fairly certain that this creature could not be an elf. The chest was too thick and the body was not long enough. It¡¯s ears were rounded rather than pointed, while the face was shorter than the longer elvish faces. Also, the creature seemed to have only one thumb per hand like a Ver or orc and dwarf who tended to live on the ground rather than the elvish two-thumbed, five-fingered hands that tended towards arboreal homes. The creature was uncanny, Rel shivered looking at it. As the creature slid to a stop at the feet of the Grandmaster, Rel belatedly noticed that the Grand Master had re-donned his mask and shifted his grip on the ritual dagger to one more suited for combat. Rel watched nervously as he waited for what the Grandmaster was going to do. Either the grand master would smite this strange creature instantly or this was indeed the Hallowed one that they had been attempting to summon. ¡ª---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Howard Howard slid face-first across what seemed to be a smooth stone floor, finally coming to a stop by bumping his head on a pair of boots. He looked up into the eyes of a masked figure with the visage of a skull holding an elaborate knife as if to stab him. Howard asked the first question that popped into his mind. Enjoying this book? Seek out the original to ensure the author gets credit. ¡°Are you my mother?¡± ¡°What?¡± responded the figure in a deep baritone in the only appropriate response to that question. ¡°Well you see, I think I''ve just been born so you must be my mother. If you are my mother can we go get some food I''m kinda hungry, and don''t say we have food at home, that sentence makes me angry for some reason.¡± ¡° This cweatuwe is NOT the Howowed One!¡± the masked figure proclaimed as he turned towards the masked throng. The figure it seemed had already written off Howard as a threat and had moved from fear and shock to anger. (This Creature is not the Hallowed One) ¡° Yes, I am. I¡¯m not sure how I got here but I can say with at least 80% certainty that my name is Howard, and therefore the Howard one.¡± Howard said as he attempted to stand. ¡°This Cweatuwe mocks us and has foiwed ouw pwans! Bwothews Seize this vile Cweatuwe!¡± (This creature mocks us and has foiled our plans! Brothers seize this vile creature!) Upon the utterance of this proclamation by the masked figure, Howard couldn''t help but laugh. The lisp contrasting with the seriousness of the statement just made the whole situation ridiculous. It didn''t help that Howard kept slipping in the extra-dimensional goop. ¡° I don''t mean to be Wude but what''s with the lisp, is no one else going to talk about this,¡± Howard said, exaggerating the figure''s lisp. Howard thought he heard one of the robed figures chuckle at his exaggerated lisp, but the vast majority edged forward menacingly. As the masked figure stepped forward raising the sacrificial dagger over the prone Howard, with an enraged grunt. A loud pop echoed through the subterranean chamber. The portal seemed to have activated once again, as a miniature VW beetle the size of a small cat came flying out of the portal. The Beetle careened through the air as the shocked throng of masked figures watched in horror. The miniature beetle as if aimed flew directly into the face of the head cultist. Colliding with a loud painful sounding crack, the figure''s mask cracked and was knocked over, apparently unconscious. Howard, who had been in the process of scrambling to his feet to avoid the dagger-wielding figure as the beetle slammed into the masked figure, once more lost his footing as he doubled over in laughter. For a brief time, the cavern was silent apart from Howard''s cackles of hilarity. Eventually one of the figures with a more ornate mask and robe shook itself out of its stupor. ¡°You heard the grandmaster seize the creature!¡± the lieutenant roared as he charged forward. As the shock broke from the throng, the Figures were seized with anger and charged forward after the lieutenant to seize the profane creature that had ruined months of preparations. ¡° oh shit! ¡° said Howard as he finally realized that these people did in fact plan to kill him. By this point, Howard had finally managed to maneuver into a somewhat upright position. Howard realized that he needed to make a break for it and tried to start running towards the far end of the cave. The little beetle that had followed Howard through the portal was once again at his heels, beeping its tiny horn merrily as he ran for the far end of the cave and the only visible exit. Howard felt something grab his arm as one of the figures in a gilded robe remembered its magic. A web of sticky silk had shot from the hand of the robed figure attaching itself to Howard''s upper arm slowing his escape. Howard quickly looking back realized that the figure was standing roughly where he had initially sled to a stop at the feet of the man with the lisp. Remembering how difficult it had been for him to initially gain his footing, Howard jerked his arm forward, severing the webbing and yanking the cultist off of its feet and onto the ground directly in the path of the pursuing horde. Howard couldn''t help laughing again as the cultist in a bid to avoid their downed lieutenant skidded in the goop that had presumably come from the portal and spread with Howard¡¯s skid across the ground. The majority of the cultists eventually fell into the goop as they tried to avoid their fallen lieutenant. The cultist who had shot the webbing, while unsuccessful in completely stopping Howard, had slowed him down enough that a handful of cultists had made it to the far end of the cave, effectively cutting off Howard''s easy escape. The cultist at the cave mouth began moving forward to further box him into the cave. Howard began to look around for a new escape route as the majority of the cultists continued to struggled to get up from where they had sprawled out on the ground in the slippery goop. Looking around the chamber Howard scanned over the remains of the array and settled on the massive pillars and stalagmites that climbed to the ceiling. Howard briefly considered climbing the pillars but was distracted by the beetle running into his shin and beeping. Finally gaining Howard''s attention the Beetle flashed its lights as it turned towards the waterfall and beeped again. ¡°You want me to try the waterfall?¡± Howard questioned the little car. The car beeped again in seeming affirmation and started accelerating away from him. Howard looked around again desperately looking for any other way out. But the rapidly recovering cultist, now covered in goop, convinced Howard that he had to try something. The little car had already reached the waterfall and had begun maneuvering its way up the rocks, miraculously the car had no issues negotiating the slippery rocks above the precipitous drop. Howard ran past the engooped cultists and dived at the waterfall clinging to the slippery mossy stone. As Howard began ascending, following the path of the little car clinging to what scarce handholds he could find. Howard could see the top of the waterfall and the sparkle of stars in the sliver of night sky narrowly visible above the waterfall. Howard could almost taste the fresh air as the little car beeped impatiently. The slippery rocks were difficult to handholds to climb on so the going was slow, despite the added pressure of the cultist''s rapid approach. Howard had all but reached the top when he felt something latch onto his back. Looking back Howard recognized the figure of the gilded-robed Lieutenant. The lieutenant had once again shot webs that had attached to Howard''s mid back, right between his shoulder blades. The Lieutenant began to tug on the webs. Howard desperately clung to the slippery rocks as the Lieutenant continued to tug at the ropes as the Lieutenant called for more cultists to join him. With one massive tug from the Lieutenant and cultist who had at this point recovered from the goop and grabbed onto the web line, Howard found himself plunging rapidly into the dark chasm below. Chapter four: Sooooome-where behind the waterfall Howard''s plunge into the dark chasm halted sharply as more cultists grabbed the web attached to Howard''s back. Howard swung into the side of the chasm wall which was slick with moss. Thankfully the slick moss slightly cushioned his impact. Howard found himself hanging by his back facing the dark depth of the path carved by the waterfall. Howard began slowly ascending, scraping against the mossy wall, as the cultists began to draw Howard upward. Howard began to consider his life choices since gaining consciousness in the void, he wondered which of his limited choices led to the disaster that was his life at this moment. Howard was startled out of his reverie by a series of beeps that sounded remarkably like LEEROYY JENKINS. A loud snap followed as the little car slammed the webbing into a protruding rock severing it, and causing Howard to Plunge into the chasm. Howard plunged through the inky void of the chasm, chased by shouts of anguish from the cultists at having lost the blasphemer who had despoiled their ritual. The chasm walls were occasionally lit by the headlights of the beetle as they careened down the shaft. Eventually, Howard splashed painfully into a pool at the bottom of the waterfall, the sound of his landing echoing noisily in the chamber. Howard tread water as he looked around uncertainty, the chamber was lit by a sickly green glow from some sort of lumpy bioluminescent mushroom. The chamber was a fairly small natural chamber and it was cluttered. There were piles of detritus made up of discarded robes, vials with fluids, and even animal skeletons. The trash had accumulated over time as the cult had discarded their trash down the waterfall. It was on these piles that the bulbous mushrooms seemed to grow in abundance. Howard was splashed by the dirty water as the little beetle following Howard''s descent finally reached the bottom of the falls. To his surprise, the beetle quickly bobbed to the surface as its tires inflated to double their size. The beetle beeped happily as it floated over to him. Howard took the chance to examine the beetle as in all the action he hadn''t really gotten a chance to get a good look at the car. The beetle was a classic 65¡¯ model painted off-white with racing stripes in black and a yellow 1 painted on the doors. The inside of the car seemed to be filled with water and was occupied, shockingly, by a fish wearing a racing derby helmet. Howard shook his head in disbelief before just accepting the mess his short life had become. He tore the majority of the webbing off before swimming over to one of the sturdier-looking piles of garbage. Howard hauled himself out of the water, doing his best to avoid the sickly green mushrooms perching himself precariously on the pile. Looking at the little beetle Howard wondered where it had come from, before coming to a decision. ¡° I can''t just keep thinking of you as the beetle. ¡° he said to the beetle. The beetle flicked its lights happily. ¡°You, my friend, need a name.¡± ¡°How about Jeff?¡± The car beeped. ¡°Is that a beep, yes or no?¡± the car beeped again. This tale has been unlawfully lifted without the author''s consent. Report any appearances on Amazon. ¡°Ok, this is too confusing. Let''s just do this: two beeps for no, one beep for yes.¡± The car beeped once in affirmation of this declaration. ¡° Ok, so Jeff yes or no?¡± The car beeped twice. ¡°Hmmm ok, how about Lord Fishington?¡± the car beeped twice again, somehow managing to sound angry. ¡°Ok wise guy, no need to be so grumpy. Besides, what''s wrong with Lord Fishington?¡± The beetle turned off its headlights in protest. ¡°Ok fine, so not Lord Fishington. We¡¯ll think of something, but first, we need to get out of here.¡± As the beetle turned its lights back on, Howard began to examine the room more thoroughly. The chamber was much the same as the first time he had looked at it, a small rough natural cavern carved out of the stone by the waterfall''s continuous pressure. There was a small ledge around the edge of the pool that Howard could stand on if he pressed his back to the wall. Howard examined the pile that he was perched on. Most of the pile was bones, wood, and old robes collected on the top of a natural rock. Howard selected one of the driest and least tattered robes as the constant misting of the waterfall made the already cool air of the chamber downright unpleasant in his state of relative undress. The robe was black and inlaid with gold around the sleeves and tattered towards the bottom. The front right of the robe had a sticky stain that had collected a handful of bone fragments and small rocks. How the robe had maintained its stickiness with all the water Howard could only guess at. Despite his reservations Howard shrugged and put on the robe, figuring that some clothing, unknowable sticky stain or not, would be better that nothing. Howard looked up as he was startled by a splash of water from some falling debris and the sounds of movement from the mouth of the waterfall¡¯s descent into the black void above. Howard heard some distant conversation as the light at the top of the hole he had fallen in was partially obscured by what he could only assume were the cultists trying to descend. With a new sense of urgency, Howard began to reexamine the chamber and what he may have overlooked. The splashing from the falling debris had drawn Howard''s attention to the water, and he began to examine the pool more closely. Looking at the water''s movement, now disturbed by falling pebbles, Howard noticed that there was an inconsistency with the flow of the water around the room given its size. The water seemed to bounce off the walls and back towards the waterfall where the water seemed to all but disappear. ¡° The water has to be going somewhere¡± Howard wondered aloud, only to hear a beep of affirmation from the little beetle. Howard jumped from his junk pile over to the ledge that ringed the pool and scooted his way over to the waterfall. Howard pulled a piece of floating wood out of the water and poked it towards the waterfall. When he didn''t meet any resistance against the wood he kept pushing until the water reached his elbow. ¡°Of course, there''s a secret passage behind the waterfall,¡± he said with resignation. ¡°I guess my life is a video game now. There better be some good loot behind this stupid trope of a waterfall.¡± Spurred on by the sounds of clambering increasing from the waterfall''s descent Howard leapt through the water getting thoroughly soaked in the process. At least he now knew that his robes didn''t have water-resistance magic. Howard landed just beyond the waterfall in an even smaller cavern illuminated only by the pinpricks of light emanating from the Beatles'' headlights. At the end of a cavern, there seemed to be a square hole carved from the surrounding stone and outlined by a darker brick made out of some sort of porous volcanic stone. The water seemed to be flowing into the hole at a steep decline. Howard heard the sound of splashing as it became apparent that the cultist chasing him had finally made it to the bottom of the waterfall. Howard looked over at the beetle ¡° I guess we too go in the square hole salmon pete.¡± The beetle angrily beeped twice in the negative of the new name suggestion before diving into the hole. Howard briefly considered his options before diving head-first into the darkness of the square hole. Chapter 5: It goes in the Square Hole As Howard plunged head-first into the darkness of the square hole, he could only see the lights slightly ahead of him from the beetle. The passage, due to the water flowing from the waterfall and constant flow of the water over countless years smoothed the stone to a slick surface that acted much like a water slide. All and all it was a fairly pleasant experience. Much more so than Howard''s brief experience with what he figured was interdimensional travel, or Howard''s brief slide across the cavern floor when he entered this strange world. Howard was immensely grateful for the robes that he had pillaged from the trash pile as Howard slid head-first down the dark passageway. Howard landed with a splash in an ill-lit cavern much more natural in appearance than the square-holed entrance had suggested. The cavern''s interior was lit by more of the bulbous green mushrooms that had collected on the garbage piles of the above chambers. The low light of the cavern made it difficult for Howard to pick out the edge of the deep pool that he had splashed into. The Beetle having no such issue drove over the water''s surface to the end of the pool, beeping at Howard impatiently to follow. As Howard pulled himself onto the shore he took stock of his surroundings. He was on a perfectly circular island surrounded by water on all sides. The circle''s seclusion from the rest of the chamber was only broken by a large rectangular block resting on the circle leading to the wall of the cavern. The rectangular block looked as if it by itself had journeyed through the square hole as though pushed by some massive hand in defiance of common logic, landing on the circle and falling away from the square hole to rest on the edge of the cavern opposite the square hole. There were a handful of columns of stone but a large number of stalactites that made their presence known with their constant dripping into the pool below. Filling the quiet air with echoes and adding a cold mist to the chamber that once again made Howard grateful for the sticky robe. The stalactite ringed the top of the camber congregating mostly by the edges of the cavern''s walls as if in fear of what may rise from the water. Around the square hole that Howard had exited out of, there was a series of shapes carved into the flowstone of the cavern walls. Interestingly there was a triangle, arch, circle, semi-circle, and rectangular hole all seemingly not in use, unlike the square hole. These holes stare blankly back at Howard with no water or any movement or sign of life in their vicinity. Howard thought that the cavern felt much like the dealership in the early morning. As if it too were waiting for Mr. Donnovan''s arrival to add the acrid smell of burnt coffee to the morning. ¡°So much for the treasure behind the waterfall. what a scam!¡± Howard exclaimed to the echoing cavern. Howard plopped down dejectedly on the weirdly smooth surface of the circular island and glanced over at the little beetle. The beetle which had already driven around the island a few times looking for anything of interest and finding none returned to Howard¡¯s side. ¡°Listen buddy you gotta help me figure out a name.¡± ¡° And don''t beep at me angrily for not knowing,¡± Howard said quickly as he noticed the beetle gearing up to beep angrily. ¡°It''s not my fault I''ve just been born. I only vaguely know who I am. How can you expect me to know who you are?¡± The beetle flicked its lights in slight annoyance but refrained from beeping. The author''s content has been appropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon. ¡°Ok before I was born here, did I know you?¡± Howard received one beep in the affirmative from the beetle. ¡°You''re probably not Mr. Donnovan, since you don''t have hands to brew terrible coffee.¡± Howard mused. ¡°And you''re not my mother, that might be the guy with the silly voice and the angry fans. Though I''m not sure about that one either.¡± ¡°Hold on, I think I got it, you are Edith right?¡± The beetle turned to Howard and partially dimmed its headlights delivering what could only be described as an incredulous look before beeping twice in the negative. ¡°Ok ok Mr. stubborn if you''re not Edith I''m just gonna call you James. Not to be racist or fishest or whatever but I had a fish named James once and if you don''t shape up I''ll just call you that. ¡± The beetle hearing the name James beeped in jubilation turning its lights on and off while spinning in a circle before bumping into Howard''s leg affectionately. Howard chuckled, patting the beetle¡¯s hood. ¡°Alright Alright, James II it is.¡± As Howard happily patted the car''s hood the chamber seemed a bit lighter and less damp. ¡ª-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Rel Rel, like many of the others, had descended into the waterfall''s descent. Into the cold mist and trash-filled room to find that the despoiler had disappeared without a trace. The order had been throwing trash into this hole for years at this point, which had gathered into piles. These trash piles had then been essentially torn apart in the search for the creature, Howard as it had named itself. When tearing apart the trash piles they found to no one''s surprise more garbage and the occasional rock. It was as if the creature had teleported, which was strange as Rel did not detect any of the faint traces in space-time that teleportation magic generally left. Rel was far from a time, space, or teleportation magic expert, but that kind of magic left traces that all but the most incompetent of magic users could detect. Some of the order had even dived to the bottom of the chamber to look for any path out that the creature could have taken. They reported a strange flow in the water but nothing else. Rel dropped a pre-prepared wind rune onto one of the sturdier trash piles, to shoot himself out of the hole back to the ritual chamber where the order was once more gathering, now having lost the creature. Rel stood over the bone run as the symbol carved onto the surface began to glow. Rel was shot into the air as a concentrated beam of air blasted out of the rune. Once back in the ritual chamber, Rel noticed that the majority had gathered around the now-conscious Grand Master. The Grand Master looked slightly worse for wear as a crack in his mask had widened the eye hole. Blood had stained the edges of the eyehole as more blood trickled from the grandmaster''s forehead. The Grandmaster drew himself to deliver a speech to the gathered mass of cultists after losing their quarry. ¡°Bwothews this is not the end. Pewhaps we have lost the blasphemew tempowawiwy but all is not yet wost. No, Wisten Bwothews, we can stiw compwete ouw goaws. We must wetuwn to ouw wives tempowawiwy.¡± ( Brothers this is not the end. Perhaps we have lost the blasphemer temporarily but all is not yet lost. No, listen brothers we can still complete our goals. We must return to our lives temporarily.) Rel listened with rapt attention until the grandmaster mentioned wives, as Rel was not married and didn''t think the majority of the order was married. Deep ponderings of the void and ancient magic didn''t tend to leave much time for a social life. Not that Rel had ever been particularly popular. Even back in wizard school when Rel had been the most social he hadn''t been particularly popular. Rel had been so excited to be accepted to The Hizward School of Theoretical Magic and Cantrips. When he had finally arrived he had been sorted into the school house most often associated with jerks and evil wizards by a talking plant, a plant. It didn''t seem fair to him to determine his entire future as a 12-year-old via plant. It didn''t help that Professor Thisilwick Wandplucker also clearly had favorites. There were a handful of students who could get away with almost anything. They broke the rules every-single-year and always got away with it, even winning the school wide competition via their rule breaking. Rel was startled out of his musings by the closing remarks of the grandmaster having missed the instructions entirely. ¡° We wiw be in contact bwothews. We wiw wetuwn and we wiw prevaiw.¡± ( we will be in contact brothers. We will return and we will prevail) With the conclusion of the grandmaster''s short speech, the throngs of hooded cultists began to disperse. Some of them by teleporting, taking a few of the others with them. But most began to funnel out through the cave entrance. Rel figured there was nothing to do but walk home. He had to figure out what had gone wrong with the ritual. There was no way that the strange creature that had come through the portal had interfered magically. Rel had always hated mysteries, and this mystery was one of the worst ones yet. He would discover the secrets of this strange creature, this despoiler of rituals or he would die trying.