《Dip$h!ts in Space》 Episode 1: Desperation and Chupacabras (Part 1) Pilot Episode "And there she was. A gleaming beacon of polished¡­ whatever it was made of. Aluminum maybe. I got it for a song, a real bargain, but I know why. Yeah, she is fast, but the dealer saw me coming. It takes a lot to fool Captain William T Lawg, but this guy was a pro. He told me the interior was carbon fiber but turns out it¡¯s mostly plastic and cardboard. Oh well, I can have it swapped out piece by piece over time for something better, something good and light, something that wouldn¡¯t rust up or get old, something like titanium or bitanium. Just think how fast she would be then. I don¡¯t know how many kilos or pounds or yen I could shave off but I bet I could reach like¡­insane speeds.¡± a clearly intoxicated man with jet black hair said. His 5 o¡¯clock shadow made him look older than he was, but he was brimming with confidence despite his unpolished look. ¡°I think you had enough soda for now,¡± the woman with blue hair said. ¡°Why is that, maybe I¡¯m not done partying?¡± he said with an eyebrow raised. ¡°You haven¡¯t even left your stool since you have been here. You arrived drunk, pounded back like 8 sodas and you seem to be staying fairly lit for some reason.¡± She pointed out. ¡°Maybe that¡¯s how my party gets started. Anyway so you wanna see my ship?¡± asked Captain Lawg. ¡°Not really.¡± The Bartender replied. ¡°But it¡¯s a convertible, that¡¯s why it¡¯s so fast.¡± He bragged. ¡°Isn¡¯t that a bad characteristic for a space ship?¡± she asked. ¡°Only if you are a battle cruiser or an explorer or a cargo ship.¡± He scoffed. ¡°I thought you said you were an explorer?¡± she asked. He gave her a silent stare. ¡°Different kind of¡­oh come on, I have everything else. Jumbo minibar, disco ball, hot tub, even an android that I am confident just needs new fuses to work.¡± ¡°But not a roof?¡± she noted, raising an eyebrow. ¡°Hey, I¡¯m not gonna lie to you and say she is a Nerp class cruiser, but a good ship is only as good as its captain and that¡¯s what matters, hard-top, canvas top, something better then those, doesn¡¯t make a difference when it comes to decisions and reflexes.¡± He said drawing his pistol and spinning it like a cowboy, nearly dropping it. ¡°Havin trouble there Tex?¡± she grinned. ¡°Balance is off, that¡¯s why it''s so impressive. A normal man couldn''t even get it spinning.¡± He said sighing as she noticed it was missing the barrel and receiver, just a handle and trigger, complete with holster. ¡°What happened to your gun?¡± she inquired. ¡°It¡¯s a convertible too¡­shut up. I mean, sure I owe a little money but I can¡¯t give them my gun or my ship.¡± He protested, knocking back another shot. ¡°So you gave them half of both?¡± she asked. ¡°Damn right. Finding a ship is impossible with the new registration codes. Every new ship requires a license and inspection, same with the new guns. You can thank the politicians for that. But as long as it pre-dates the ban¡­perfectly legal.¡± ¡°But what good is half a gun or half a ship?¡± she asked. ¡°That¡¯s the beauty of it. Ship¡¯s top is just an addition, the registration code is printed on the engine and the main frame column, so you can swap the top all you want baby, ride topless all day and it¡¯s perfectly legal. Little canvas and a few cans of flex-spray and you got a ship. Guy on the commercial said you could make a boat out of it with a screen door. If it can hold water, It can hold vacuum, obviously water weights more than vacuum. So technically she may not be a full ship in the normal sense but she flies just fine. All I gotta do is haul some cargo and make payday and I can get whatever top I want, never change the registration code and that sucker at the pawn shop never even asked.¡± He grinned proudly. ¡°Okay, but isn¡¯t the registration number for that handgun printed on the barrel?¡± she asked. He scoffed and looked down at his belt. His eyes went wide. ¡°Awe son of a bitch damnit!¡± he said throwing the handle to the ground. ¡°Guess you should, have sold the whole gun.¡± She muttered to herself. ¡°Wouldn¡¯t have made much difference though, ship is worth a lot more then a pistol.¡± She said comfortingly. ¡°Usually yes, but the ship sucks and the gun was a collectors item. I sold the wrong half, I¡¯m so stupid. I¡¯m a terrible captain.¡± He wailed, placing his forehead down firmly on the table. ¡°Not sure if I would put my face on the counter. This is Delmar 7. Delmarians have a tendency to end up with their faces on there too.¡± ¡°Who cares? I lost everything.¡± He said with a muffled mutter. ¡°You do know Delmarians have their genitals on their faces.¡± She muttered. He jumped up and slid off the barstool, clambering to his feet and holstering the handle, wiping his face and frantically checking his pockets for sanitizer. He sprayed some on his hands and began rubbing his face. A moment later he let out a very feminine scream and dropped to his knees. The bartender sighed and rolled her eyes. ¡°Rubbed alcohol in your eyes didn¡¯t you?¡± she said strolling out from behind the counter and helping him up. ¡°It¡¯s okay, just let it out.¡± she comforted, returning to her place and pouring him another shot of the milky liquid giving off a faint glow and a slight green hue. ¡°I¡¯m falling apart, I got nothing. My girl left me for one of those yellow aliens with 2 heads, apparently he can watch TV and pay attention to her at the same time whatever good that is. She told me I never paid attention to her, I was gonna kick his ass but I don¡¯t remember his name and they all look alike. ¡°She didn¡¯t mention his name?¡± ¡°I dunno; maybe, guess I wasn¡¯t paying attention the point is¡­I¡¯m screwed. I have 3 weeks to pay off the debt I have at the pawn store or they keep my shit.¡± He sighed. ¡°So what? Half a gun and a plastic starship roof?¡± ¡°It¡¯s not the roof, it¡¯s what I hid in the vent panel. I¡¯ve been missing most of the roof for weeks now, sell a section as needed. I just sealed the cargo bay from the rest of the ship. That last section had a hollow spot that space-pirates are prone to building safes into. I used the safe to hide valuables. It¡¯s a Jade Plinket doll.¡± ¡°A real one or a fake?¡± she asked, suddenly looking interested. ¡°If it was fake I wouldn¡¯t care. Those things are worth thousands of credits. I had it notarized and confirmed. Paperwork in the safe too¡± ¡°Then why did you leave it in the panel you intended to sell?¡± she asked. ¡°I was super sober, I wasn¡¯t thinking. My girl just left me and I needed money, didn¡¯t have a crew anymore, had to sell something and the shop owner heavily suggested the roof panel of my ship.¡± He said flopping his face back on the table. ¡°He must have known you were hiding something.¡± she suggested ¡°Of course he did, she told him everything. The pawn shop owner was the guy my girlfriend ran off with. She took 500 credits from my glovebox before she left. I should have put that in the vent too. Everyone knows Caster 84 ships have good hiding spots and safes can be impossible to remove if installed correctly. They¡¯re almost impossible to crack without dismantling the entire wall.¡± He finished. ¡°Or taking the roof off I guess. So I am just speculating here if you want to stop me¡­she told him you had a Plinket doll, she couldn¡¯t get the combination for the lock so she got you sober and convinced you to pawn part of the ship to pay the debt you already owed to the guy she was sleeping with¡­and he got you to sell the roof that contained the lock box. So you sold him the barrel of a valuable antique gun to buy some time and you need 800 credits so you can get the doll you were going to sell to pay off the debt you already owed.¡± She said he lifted his head in awe. ¡°Wow, you are really good.¡± He said. ¡°Can I see that handle?¡± she asked. He laid it on the table without a second thought. He squinted suspiciously. ¡°Why do you care about half a worthless gun?¡± he asked. She squeezed her boobs together and he suddenly didn¡¯t care, sliding the gun handle close to her cleavage. She began fiddling with it as he rubbed his face. ¡°Can I get another¡­I¡¯m not quite sober enough to fly, these shots are pretty weak.¡± ¡°Sure, here is a double. You are having a really bad day anyway.¡± she said pouring it to the brim. ¡°So can I have my handle back now?¡± he asked. She sighed and lifted up a fully assembled gun. ¡°No, I don¡¯t think so.¡± She said with a smirk. ¡°Um¡­why do you have my whole gun?¡± he asked. ¡°Because I spotted the barrel of a mint condition Celtic Rider pistol in the pawn shop earlier and I asked him for the grip. He told me you would have it and that anything with tits could trip the guy up enough to just hand it over... I have tits.¡± She smiled. ¡°Yea, you sure do¡­so do I pay you when I get the money and you give me back my gun or what?¡± he asked. ¡°You stupid little man, you don¡¯t grasp any of this do you? I am robbing you. Every pawn store is Colony Owned property, this is a dive bar, no cameras and no scanners. I get to keep the gun, that¡¯s 400 credits easily, a month¡¯s wages for a bartender and like you said¡­guns are hard to get since they started making you register. You just brought me the gun I needed to rob you. I didn¡¯t believe you would be that stupid.¡± ¡°You used me, Tits. Touch¨¦. So what? You got my gun, your not gonna shoot me.¡± he said with nothing left to loose. ¡°Colony police would be on you in 5 minutes.¡± ¡°Or, I could just call it self defense¡­this is your gun and it¡¯s registered to you. An off-worlder with a fancy gun, a Chafee nonetheless, stone sober.¡± "Okay that does look bad, but I have been drinking enough of these things to start getting my blood-alcohol back to normal, any minute now¡­¡± he said feeling nervous. ¡°There is no booze in these things, they¡¯re flavoring for mixed drinks.¡± She said with a grin. You could drink the bottle and never get your head clear, and you Chafee¡¯s are useless when your blood alcohol drops under .06. So those shots of sugar-water and flavoring probably boosted your metabolism. You¡¯ll be so jacked by the time they arrive you wont be able to defend or finish a sentence without falling over.¡± ¡°Well, Crapshit¡­you really are good. A Chafee in a bar with no alcohol in him, gun with his registering number, and a beautiful waitress who I assume gets a cut of the money for whatever this is?¡± he asked, looking groggy. ¡°Twenty percent, so tell me the safe combination and I let you walk. Or you can keep your combination and go to jail. They don¡¯t like Chafee¡¯s in Colony cells you know. ¡°Can I at least have my gun back if I tell you?¡± he asked. ¡°You can have the handle¡­I¡¯ll sell it for 80 credits.¡± She snickered sarcastically, knowing he had nothing left. ¡°Fine, you win. No police, just put the gun down. I don¡¯t wanna get shot with my own gun¡­Password.¡± He sighed. ¡°Exactly.¡± She said. ¡°No, I mean the Password is ¡°Password¡±.¡± He sighed again. ¡°Are you kidding me? Don¡¯t lie to me you filthy Chafee!¡± she said waving the gun. ¡°I¡¯m not lying, the Password is just Password. I was sober, hadn¡¯t had drink for days and I never used the safe before, it was a brand new ship to me. The screen said to enter Password and I took it very literal. I typed in ¡°Password¡± and it saved it. I don¡¯t know how to reset the damn thing. The Password is Password.¡± He barked. She looked shocked. ¡°Wow¡­you really do have a problem.¡± She said placing a small bottle on the counter. ¡°You need to get clean, How long has it been since you had any alcohol?¡± she asked. ¡°6 days. I can barely walk straight, I¡¯ve been too broke to buy anything. I¡¯m only half Chafee, so I can go a few days without any booze before I get really trashed, unless some sneaky wench keeps sliding me sugar shots. Maybe if you had been pouring something stronger then drink flavoring this whole time, I¡¯d be drunk enough to think straight.¡± He said swigging on the bottle she gave him. ¡°Well, I feel for you. I hope things get better but obviously I am going to give the Password Password to the guy, and get my 20 percent. Here, house brand Vodka. Drink up, get your head clear before you end up in jail.¡± She smirked. He heard the faint sound of sirens. ¡°I thought you said you wouldn¡¯t call the police?¡± he protested. ¡°No I implied I wouldn¡¯t shoot you. You better go.¡± She grinned. ¡°You suck!¡± he yelled, falling out of the chair and frantically transitioning from scuttling on all-fours to a wobbly sprint. He chugged the bottle and headed to the nearest populated location. He turned the bottle around. Mako¡¯s drink flavoring. ¡°Oh you stupid bitch.¡± He grumbled, throwing it at the wall. The lights and sirens were obvious now as the hover-bikes neared him. He rushed into the street and rammed through the crowd of partying locals, all enjoying the midnight parade for whatever reason they were celebrating. He zigged and zagged before locating his ship¡¯s teleporter pad, as he circled around the long way to avoid direct attention, he fiddled with the communicator. Luckily even sober he was good at operating those. Suddenly the spotlight hit him and he darted for the pad, running into someone and noticing the police heading his way. His eyes got big as he realized it was the woman from the bar. ¡°Are you following me?¡± he asked. The bartender looked insulted. ¡°Don¡¯t say a word you damn double-crossing whore.¡± He said burying the barrel of his bottle opener into her side like a pistol. ¡°Go for the gun, or refuse to step on that pad and you are dead.¡± He growled. She looked confused but she played along. He hit the auto-return and they materialized in his ship, staggering out as he pointed the fake pistol. ¡°Where are you taking me?¡± she asked, looking terrified. ¡°Somewhere safe, might take you a while to get to a communication booth to call your friends but as long as you cooperate, I won¡¯t kill you.¡± he said hitting the big red button on the console. The ship streaked away into the darkness as the two of them held on for dear life. He held the button for about 10 seconds and let off. ¡°Alright, bet you didn¡¯t expect that move.¡± He said rummaging through the minibar and swigging back a tiny bottle of something. He let out a relief ¡°Ahhh¡± and sat down in his chair, adjusting the tape and lining up the armrest so he could get comfortable. The arm of the chair fell off and he just went with it, pretending it was somehow intentional. He cracked open another mini-bottle. ¡°Alright, now take off that jacket.¡± He ordered. ¡°You¡¯re not going to take advantage of me are you?¡± she asked, looking frightened. ¡°What? No, I just want my gun back. You already took advantage me of me enough for the both of us, but I got the edge now. I want my gun back, and when the chaos settles, AFTER I get my roof out of pawn and my safe back¡­then I¡¯ll let you go. Only you know the Password so as long as I keep you here¡­I¡¯m just fine.¡± he said grabbing the jacket and realizing there was no gun in it. ¡°I have no idea what you are talking about, I don¡¯t have your gun, or any gun, I don¡¯t know you or any Password.¡± She said looking upset and ready to cry. He got up and was about to get verbally intimidating before he noticed her clothes were slightly different color. He also didn¡¯t notice the ear ring back in the bar. ¡°Were you just at the bar?¡± he asked. ¡°I don¡¯t drink. I never saw you until you held a gun to my side and forced me on this ship. Did you think I was someone else?¡± she asked ¡°Awe shit¡­are you kidding me?¡± he hollered, flopping down in the chair as the other armrest fell off. ¡°I may have¡­mistaken you for someone else. It¡¯s not my fault, it was dark, there was some mayhem getting done, I was sober and out of breath and all you damn aliens look the same.¡± He said, realizing his blunder. ¡°You thought I was someone else? You seriously can¡¯t tell us apart?¡± she asked, half angry and half scared. ¡°So are you going to kill me?¡± she asked. ¡°No, wouldn¡¯t kill you if I could. The same wench who has my password also has my gun, and by the time I turned back she would have my roof and my valuables and I¡¯m already a fugitive for something I didn¡¯t even do before the abduction charge I probably just earned. I¡¯ll have to drop you off at the next planet with modern life.¡± He yawned. ¡°Wait¡­she stole your roof?¡± she asked abruptly. ¡°No, I pawned it. Long story. Besides it¡¯s fine. My ship is even faster without it.¡± ¡°Why are we not dead?¡± she asked, looking up at the canopy of ratchet-straps and canvas. ¡°Survival Green, baby¡­toughest tape in the galaxy. Lotta older ships used to replace entire panels with it to make the ships faster, reduce the weight. Perfect for illegal cargo runs¡­or if you just lose your roof due to some unfortunate events.¡± ¡°That can¡¯t be scientifically possible. A thin layer of adhesive couldn¡¯t possibly hold the vacuum of space.¡± She said looking perplexed. ¡°Thin layer my-ass, that¡¯s like 2 rolls of the stuff. Survival Green can do anything if you lay it on 15 strips thick. Don¡¯t worry about it.¡± he assured. ¡°I am worrying about it, it doesn¡¯t make sense, there is no way that is safe. How can that flimsy tape repair an entire roof section, how does it insulate?¡± she asked. He blinked a few times and his smile faded. ¡°I guess I never questioned it.¡± he said noticing his breath. ¡°I just figured since I read it in a book that it made sense. Survival Green is strong enough to hold, maybe the freight runners insulated the inside with something.¡± he pondered as the temperature began to rapidly drop. ¡°We need to turn back.¡± she insisted. ¡°It¡¯ll be fine I bet, besides I didn¡¯t set the navigational beacon so I have no idea where ¡°back¡± even is. ¡°How do you not know where we came from? It¡¯s the opposite direction from where we are going, you just turn around and go back.¡± she barked. ¡°Yea, normally you would, but this is a stealth drive. It changes directions multiple times in transit so you can¡¯t be followed. Without a beacon setting there is no way of knowing how many turns we did.¡± ¡°Can¡¯t we just guess?¡± she yelled ¡°Bad idea, we could end up really lost. The stealth drive hones in one the strongest signal away from the target point so we would be better off staying on course and hoping for a good trade planet. I held the button down for like 10 seconds so we went pretty far.¡± He shrugged. ¡°How far is pretty far?¡± she asked. ¡°Well, speed of light travel¡­held the button down for ten seconds¡­so about ten light-seconds.¡± He shrugged, relaxing in his chair. ¡°We are going to die aren¡¯t we?¡± she asked. ¡°Of course not¡­I got enough booze for 2 weeks easy, we are one week away from the little green dot here, plenty of fuel and there is a pot-belly stove if it gets drafty. I find if you stay comfortably full, get plenty of sleep and bathe regularly, try not to worry about stuff till a warning alarm goes off¡­everything usually goes fairly smooth. It¡¯s when you struggle that you end up in trouble. See I was doing great, I had a job, a ship with a roof, and a girlfriend when I was just going with the flow.¡± He explained. She shivered and put her jacket back on. "So what happened that landed you as a fugitive on the run, with a ship made half of tape?¡± she asked. ¡°Weren¡¯t you listening?¡­I got a girlfriend. Girlfriends get clingy and stress you out. They mess with your vibes and muddle your clarity and you start wondering things like ¡°What am I doing with my life?¡± or ¡°Should I replace this fuse?¡± and before long you aren¡¯t going with the flow, your paddling towards crazy goals like marriage and settling down. You start struggling and that¡¯s when you end up pawning your roof and losing your gun. All we gotta do is sit back and relax, let the ship coast and at this speed we will be there long before the alcohol runs out or the power gets critical. Might have to burn a few things to keep the temperature toasty but I got shit to burn, I have quite the collection of lumber from old crates.¡± He said noticing the frost forming on his nose. ¡°Yea well, news-flash dickhead¡­I¡¯m not a Chafee, I need more than vodka and sleep to survive. I can¡¯t go a week without water or food and we aren¡¯t gonna have a week¡¯s worth of shit to burn.¡± She said keeping the fire lit. ¡°Plus¡­isn¡¯t this a pure oxygen environment? Should we have exploded at the first spark from this thing?¡± she asked. ¡°Don¡¯t over-think it. That sounds accurate but we aren¡¯t dead so clearly something is different.¡± He said shivering and grabbing a blanket. ¡°Like what? What could possibly make sense here?¡± she said warming her hands as the fire flickered.Love this story? Find the genuine version on the author''s preferred platform and support their work! ¡°I dunno, I¡¯m not a scientist or a math-chemist person, I¡¯m a historian. Maybe there is some sort of space-technology device that takes care of it.¡± ¡°Why would a ship be advanced enough to have some mysterious fire-suppression device and still shitty enough to heat with a wood-stove?¡± she yelled. ¡°Calm down, you¡¯re yelling is using up oxygen, clearly we have less than I thought or we would have exploded. Plus I bought that stove as a goof, it¡¯s for roasting marshmallows and smores and stuff, never intended to heat a whole ship.¡± he said opening a drawer and looking for another blanket.¡± ¡°Survival tape¡­wood stove¡­are you camping or running a spaceship? What the hell is a marshmallow? How can you be this stupid and still be alive?¡± she asked. ¡°Chafee¡¯s are inherently lucky. We have some chemical thing that makes us totally chill and relaxed, I didn¡¯t really listen to the chemistry teacher.¡± ¡°Alcohol¡­it¡¯s called alcohol. Chafee¡¯s are not naturally relaxed you are just naturally buzzed. It¡¯s a mutation caused by thousands of years of drunk space-pirates surviving off rum and hookers and flying unshielded ships through radioactive space. Most of them died drunk and riddled with radiation poisoning and space syphilis. You get enough of them in space and some are bound to adapt. Chafee¡¯s are just the .002 percent who mutated to suit the party-life that killed most of them. So you have a resistance to Theta, Gamma and Kappa radiation, and you don¡¯t need food anymore. Just a balance of booze and sugar¡± She protested. ¡°See? Sounds pretty lucky to me. Booze and sugar are amazing, especially together. Ever had a pina Canadia? All the unlucky ones are dead, so the only ones to breed are the ones with fortune running through their veins.¡± He smiled. ¡°That makes no sense as all. The only thing in your veins is .28 units methyl alcohol. Chafee¡¯s need to drink to stay sober but you have a natural ¡°chill vibe¡± because you have no brain cells left. Chafee¡¯s are born burnt-out. Some of us are not that lucky. So while you freeze to death pretending to be camping or lying on the beach, I get to freeze my ass off with the intelligence and brain cells needed to know how much it is going to suck. So thank you for abducting me and stranding me on a ship headed straight to a frosty grave.¡± She said tossing random stuff in the stove. ¡°It¡¯s space¡­how cold could it be? There are a billion stars shining from all directions!¡± he scoffed. A few hours passed in silence. ¡°I think my toes are dead.¡± He said as he shivered in his little ball of blankets as they huddled around the fire. ¡°I hate you.¡± she muttered. ¡°This isn¡¯t my fault. Plus we have only 2 hours left till we arrive at our destination.¡± He said pointing at the panel. ¡°No, that¡¯s two hours since we left.¡± She said shivering. ¡°It¡¯s only been that long? Geese.¡± He said looking more mildly shocked then concerned. ¡°We won¡¯t last another 2 days and your stupid stealth drive could be changing directions randomly if it¡¯s as defective as the rest of the ship. I¡¯m gonna die in an ice-cube tray with a dip-sickle next to me talking about march mallors and fortunes. ¡°Ugh, Marshmallows are so good. You just toast them till they get sticky and burn a little and then smush them between 2 crackers. ¡°That sounds terrible.¡± She said. ¡°Oh the crackers are terrible, I don¡¯t know why the books suggested it, I just scrape them off and eat the sticky part.¡± He smiled. ¡°What are you, an ant? Then why even bother? Just eat the mallow by itself.¡± She grumbled. ¡°It¡¯s an Earth tradition. I read it off the back of the package. That¡¯s where my ancestors were from and where the books came from, mostly just burnt bits and stray pages but I pieced them together. Of course it¡¯s traditional to use chocolate bars in smores as well, but I can¡¯t find chocolate anywhere. Probably got all blown up first when the collider went off. Switzerland was where all the chocolate was made, also where the Large hard-on collider was that blew up the planet.¡± He noted. ¡°How did the books survive?¡± she asked. ¡°They were covered in some kind of protective dust, apparently they printed billions of them and then like a hundred years later they just stopped using paper.¡± He noted. ¡°There is a debris field just full of little scraps of books and you just gotta use your brain logicals and fill in the blanks. Eventually I¡¯ll have re-written a whole library. I don¡¯t know why they stopped printing. ¡°Makes sense, it would take that long for them to develop efficient solar plants and stop cutting down trees.¡± ¡°Oh no they kept cutting trees down, they just kept books on their computers and burned fuels to power the computers so it actually used up more fuel, but there must have been some benefit or they wouldn¡¯t do it. Plus by like 2025 they all used hieroglyphics called Emojis and writing became obsolete again.¡± ¡°Seems limiting.¡± she shivered. ¡°They had their reasons, I¡¯m sure.¡± He shivered as a little light came on. ¡°See¡­now we have something worry about besides freezing.¡± He grinned cheerfully. ¡°Alcohol burns you know¡­¡± she threatened. ¡°Don¡¯t you dare.¡± He snipped, waddling to the panel to see what the light meant. ¡°What does the light mean?¡± she asked. ¡°It¡¯s the burnout light, light.¡± ¡°What the hell does that mean?¡± she asked. ¡°The light in the Kitchen kept going out so I wired up a light sensor to power this light. The light comes on when the light burns out. I¡¯d go replace it but I used my last bulb to make the burnout light.¡± he yawned. ¡°Oh my god you are useless. How did you ever successfully make any cargo runs with this ship and your shit-logic?¡± she groaned. ¡°I¡¯m not a cargo runner, this isn¡¯t even a cargo ship. I¡¯m a space historian, learned from my grandfather, everyone thought he was crazy but his directions lead me to the debris field. I am one of the few surviving Earth descendants who can read, and a few years back when I was applying for a cargo license I got lost on my way to the navigation hub, I don¡¯t wanna talk about the details. Anyway I ended up somewhere in the Trump sector and we both know that¡¯s a bad place to break down and fortunately I ran into another ship before I got jacked.¡± ¡°Good thing you found someone.¡± she said rubbing her hands together. ¡°Oh, no it was abandoned; I just ran into the side of it and crippled my rig. The other ship was in good shape though so I just traded ships and use my training rig for parts. This puppy used to be an ice-cream cruiser. Apparently Earth woman and children heard the siren and just flew right to it. I don¡¯t really like kids but I like women and ice-cream so 2 out of 3 isn¡¯t bad, not a lot of kids in space so it works out nicely. I traced the coordinates and maps back to where the Earth was and started collecting the debris. As long as nobody else finds it I can make trips back and forth and collect anything I want. Some of it¡¯s junk and I can just sell it as scrap, but some I just have to keep for myself. There is a lot of history here, priceless Earth trinkets that one day will end up in my museum. I have comic books documenting the great Mutant Wars, but it¡¯s incomplete. I have a crate of classical music from Earths more industrial early 21st century, mostly about hoes and getting money, so it¡¯s relatable. And my cockpit is built around the frame of one of Earth¡¯s classic muscle cars, a Ford Fusion. At the time, most cars ran on oil-based fuel so the Fusion¡¯s primitive reactor was probably a real powerhouse of the time. Mint condition, engine was gone. Had to use it for something, why not a control cockpit? And this is a Fidget spinner.¡± He said digging one out of a drawer. ¡°What does it do?¡± she asked. ¡°I don¡¯t know. There were a lot of them so they must have been important but I haven¡¯t found a single useful thing they would be good for aside from distracting the hell out of yourself when you are trying to do actual work. I may have some of these cans of food left. They are little cylinders of blended meat in chicken flavored water from Vienna, an island on Earth.¡± ¡°Are they good to eat?¡± she asked. ¡°Well, not really but they don¡¯t appear to have aged at all, so if you get hungry enough to ignore the taste they might be worth the risk. I dip them in tequila. They are about half salt and preservatives by volume so they keep as emergency rations, but I don¡¯t imagine anyone ever eating them unless the situation was pretty sparse. I thought I found another food item about a week back that resembled meat. It had a yellow M on the wrapping paper so I unwrapped it, looked like meat and bread but the little devil nearly bit my pinky off. Shot 3 holes in the hull putting it down. Some kind of genetic experiment I think. It clearly wasn¡¯t food.¡± ¡°Let me guess¡­Survival Green Tape on the holes.¡± She wheezed. ¡°I used 2 layers. We cool.¡± He said looking up and noticing another light on. He ran to the console and shifted into park, flipping a toggle switch and unleashing a truly demonic sounding musical tone. ¡°What is that horrid music?¡± ¡°I think it was called jingle bells, it was meant to alert people that the ship was in the area and had ice-cream to barter for currency. We detected a ship, maybe they will hear it. I¡¯ll crank the volume.¡± ¡°It¡¯s a Vacuum!¡± she bellowed. ¡°Don¡¯t over-think everything.¡± He hollered back, cranking the volume. Part 2 ¡°It doesn¡¯t make sense. There is nothing in space to compress in order to make sound waves.¡± She said looking irritated despite being now in a warm cargo bay, green tape binding her wrists. ¡°They heard it, didn¡¯t they? And now we are warm and sitting on a crate of cargo instead of frozen to death. Things work out of you just let the flow take you.¡± ¡°The flow didn¡¯t take us¡­pirates took us. We are captive on a pirate ship, how is this a good thing?¡± she whispered angrily. ¡°Well, warm and tied up is better than freezing and not tied up. They have food somewhere so you might not starve now or have to eat those horrible meat tubes. And we were going to run out of oxygen soon, so alive beats dead. Think of this as a stroke of luck. Chafee¡¯s are naturally lucky.¡± ¡°I will kill you if they don¡¯t kill us first.¡± She muttered as the doors opened and a short, fat alien stood proudly wielding a rather bazooka-esque weapon. He was armored from head to toe and spoke through a voice modulator to sound more menacing. 2 pair of rabbit ears hung on either side of his mask, like something out of a horror movie. ¡°Um, so can we stop off at a fuel-stop and get a shower?¡± William asked the alien. ¡°Name and rank.¡± He barked. ¡°Captain William Lawg of the Starship Tast-E-Chill. This is my copilot¡­um, I never did ask your name did I?¡± he muttered. ¡°Uka.¡± She said rolling her eyes. ¡°Is this a military vessel or waste disposal?¡± it asked. ¡°Neither. It¡¯s a mobile Earth-museum currently, but it used to be a frozen food storage ship.¡± Lawg grinned. ¡°What kind of food?¡± it asked. ¡°Mostly frozen dairy and sugar bars. They are amazing. I found lots of small ships carrying them. Probably easy to store since you just open a window and the back stays pretty cold. There were some bags of incents in a sealed container under the seat with some paper and lighters but I traded them for light bulbs to some cargo hauler. Sucker gave me 18 bulbs for about an ounce of incense.¡± He bragged ¡°Weaponry?¡± it asked angrily in a low throaty voice. ¡°I had a pistol but that¡¯s gone now. Otherwise nothing.¡± He admitted. ¡°What happened to the dairy bars?¡± it asked. ¡°I ate them already, all except a box of bubblegum sherbet. I just tossed that out the airlock with the wrappers, believe me you aren¡¯t missing anything.¡± ¡°So you two are alone¡­no weapons, no food, no cargo and no fuel?¡± it asked. ¡°No fuel?¡± asked Uka, looking alarmed. ¡°Sorry, I didn¡¯t mention it before cuz we would die of air-loss way before we ran out of fuel.¡± He assured. The alien hung his head and drooped its ears. ¡°Maaan. I suck at this job.¡± He mumbled, looking very sad. He tossed the weapon aside. ¡°HEY! Careful with that thing.¡± hollered William. ¡°Don¡¯t worry, it¡¯s not dangerous. It just blows warm air. I tried to fix it but I don¡¯t think it was ever really a weapon.¡± He said flopping down and removing his menacing face mask to show a much less menacing chubby-cheeked bunny face under it. ¡°So you don¡¯t have any weapons either?¡± asked Uka. ¡°Nope. Just a few crates of something called Coffee liquor. It tastes horrible and I nearly died trying to drink a bottle of it. Otherwise all I have are these dried, inedible bags of old meat.¡± He said kicking a crate. Uka tore open a bag and began mowing frantically, looking downright blissful in the process. ¡°You do realize that is made from dead aliens and packed in toxic salt right?¡± it said hesitantly. ¡°It¡¯s delicious, just spiced meat that has been preserved.¡± She said chewing harshly. ¡°Yea¡­I said that¡­ Dead aliens and salt.¡± He said shuffling his feet. ¡°You must be really starving. Have you eaten anything in months?¡± he asked. ¡°She ate 3 hours ago.¡± said William, trying a piece. ¡°I have to admit, if we soaked this in water and warmed it up this would basically just be pepper-steak.¡± He shrugged ¡°Wait¡­you guys normally eat meat? You two are carnivores?¡± it said grabbing the leaf blower and shouldering it. ¡°Relax, I¡¯m a boozaterrian mostly, we aren¡¯t gonna eat you. That thing just blows warm air anyway. You just told that part.¡± ¡°Maybe I just have to turn the safety off, this could be a warning mode.¡± He bluffed. ¡°Stop stressing out, you will find food, meanwhile this won¡¯t go to waste with her on board. You can drop us off somewhere and we won¡¯t hurt you. Everything is fine. The universe provides.¡± He said kicking back. ¡°The universe isn¡¯t providing me shit!¡± the creature snapped. ¡°Two weeks with just a 5 day ration pack, and my navigation went offline so I can¡¯t even find a planet with food. I find one ship and they don¡¯t have food either. And I don¡¯t even know how to use the showers!!!¡± he yelled, kicking the crate again. ¡°Why don¡¯t you know how to use the showers on your own ship?¡± he asked. ¡°Because this isn¡¯t my ship!! I was a janitor on a 5-man crew. Me, 3 bounty hunters and a cook. I was hoping to get my warrior roots and experience and become a bounty hunter too but the first bounty we found tricked us. I got suited up to help them and next thing I know they flew away and left me on this old prisoner transport shuttle. I don¡¯t even know how to fly this thing, I just yelled at the voice control till it started moving. I¡¯m gonna die in here.¡± He said slumping. ¡°Most navigation¡¯s are voice activated.¡± Pointed out William. ¡°It¡¯s a Bongo brand Galaxy Positioning Satellite navigator and the language has been stuck on Dyrellian. I can¡¯t speak Dyrellian and my communicator doesn¡¯t have the right adapter to charge. You¡¯d think they would all use the same adapter but no, 47 different plugs and mine is an older operating system.¡± the bunny complained. ¡°Did you try hitting it really hard, sometimes that works? Maybe turn the GPS off and back on again.¡± He suggested. ¡°What good is turning it off¡­¡± he said switching it off dramatically. ¡°And right back on again?¡± he finished, flipping it on dramatically. The light turned green. ¡°Welcome to Bongo, please select your planetary language.¡± said a pleasant female voice. "GGGGHAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!¡± screamed the alien, smacking its face into the screen and dropping to his knees in frustration. ¡°I wouldn¡¯t touch the screen with my face, you never know who else has used it and some species have their genitals on their face¡­I¡¯m just saying you could get beard-ball-lice.¡± William whispered to Uka. ¡°Two weeks¡­I could have caught up to the other bounty hunters¡­all I had to do was flip the switch back and forth. Now I¡¯m gonna die because I drifted out of the trade rout-range and I have no food and a gun that just gently blows air for NO PURPOSE WHATSOEVER!!¡± he said, practically melting into the floor with exhaustion. ¡°We have navigation charts, we could just pool resources and go. I have a nav system but it hasn¡¯t been updated in forever. A hundred credits a year for updates¡­it¡¯s just robbery. I could have paid 400 for lifetime updates but who has that just in their pocket to blow on navigational charts?¡± he scoffed as if giving pearls of wisdom. ¡°You¡¯re right¡­were saved. We can just take my stuff to your ship and tow this Junker to the next planet! I am going to live!!¡± it triumphantly cheered. His look of triumph was now a look of confusion and utter dismay. ¡°Are you shitting me?¡± he asked, staring at the 8 foot hole in the top of the dining room section, covered only with canvas sheets and an obscene amount of green packaging tape. ¡°It¡¯s tougher than it looks.¡± assured William. ¡°Oh really¡­because it looks like 15 or 20 layers of adhesive tape where the towing anchor should be. You are missing a vital section of your ship and you decided that the deadly vacuum of space was adequately separated from your fleshy body by plastic and sticky resin, less then the thickness of my pants. How are you two not dead? The radiation alone in some sectors would kill you in hours, what is insulating the ship?¡± he asked. ¡°Well, we have been using blankets and huddling by the woodstove. I¡¯m immune to radiation and I guess Uka was just fortunate to only be on here for a short time and in a sector with low radiation. Chafee¡¯s are known for good luck.¡± He assured. ¡°You are flying a ship through the least survivable conditions scientifically possible, with a condom for a roof. I could jam my paw through that if I wanted. ¡°I definitely wouldn¡¯t try that. That¡¯s the only thing separating us from space.¡± reminded William Lawg, philosopher. The alien put his face in his paws and shook his head. ¡°Maybe the radiation HAS accumulated in your brain.¡± He sighed to himself. ¡°Okay, let me be perfectly clear. I am not going to be living under that for any more then the time it takes to briskly run from one sealed section to another. That is the scariest thing I have ever spent this long looking at.¡± He insisted. ¡°Well it¡¯s either that or in the cargo freezer that has no roof panels at all, or the engine room. They¡¯re about the same temperature and if you close the door there is no air circulation. The ducts were re-purposed a few months ago.¡± William shrugged. ¡°For what? What could you possibly have a need for that would be more important than ventilation in a spacecraft?¡± asked the alien. William beamed proudly as he unveiled his creation and the others sunk with a look of utter disbelief and disappointment. ¡°It¡¯s called a hot-tub.¡± He grinned. "It¡¯s a huge bath-tub.¡± said the alien. ¡°No, it¡¯s a hot-tub, filled with hot water that bubbles and it re-circulates through these nozzles. A bath tub just sits there. This has massage jets and temperature control and mood lighting and it holds up to 5 humanoids¡­preferably 4 of them female and one of them being me.¡± he informed. ¡°So¡­like a human mating chamber?¡± it asked. ¡°Well, no not¡­I mean you could get in the mood and get the party started in this beast but the action would have to go elsewhere after a point. This is a re-circulating vat of fluids¡­it¡¯s a good idea to keep those fluids limited to water and cleaning chemicals.¡± He protested. ¡°So you cant mate in it¡­you don¡¯t bathe in it and the water just goes back in the same tub repeatedly¡­you can¡¯t drink the water because of the cleaning chemicals¡­what is the purpose of this device?¡± it asked. ¡°For chilling out, relaxing. You have a good soak, let the jets ease tension and set a vibe of carefree fun. Lubricates the social setting and gets people talking and sharing.¡± He defended. ¡°I thought your species was about ten percent alcohol by volume¡­how much additional relaxation is needed to have a conversation?¡± it said, looking unimpressed. ¡°You¡­¡± he said pointing his finger. ¡°You just, it¡¯s a traditional thing. Earth-heritage. This bad-boy is a piece of history.¡± ¡°It¡¯s a piece of something for sure.¡± chimed Uka. ¡°Wait¡­Earth?¡± asked the alien. ¡°Yea. My ancestors lived there, this is a piece of Earth history preserved and made functional. Kings and presidents would sign treaties in these things. Vladimir Pudding and King Arthur probably signed the Ten Declarations of the Commandments in one of these.¡± He recited. ¡°Maybe this exact one, you never know!¡± barked Lawg. ¡°I have always wanted to study Earth history, I thought it was a myth. Didn¡¯t its inhabitants create a black-hole underground and rip the planet it in half or something.¡± ¡°Yea, but that¡¯s a different¡­don¡¯t worry about it.¡± he waved. "It makes sense now that the same species that decided to build a planet killing device inside their own planet would decide to replace an inch thick steel and carbon fiber panel with tape. I think I understand why they died now.¡± he said solemnly. ¡°Hey, humans were adventurous and brave. No, we didn¡¯t always think things out but we took risks and we bravely explored the unknown!¡± he protested further. ¡°Kinda like isolating the most destructive particles in existence and shooting them into one another at the speed of light in a big tube right under one of their populated cities? Did you even have a backup planet terraformed yet in case it went the way it went?¡± he asked. ¡°No, I think the space program was already scrapped by then.¡± William said looking ashamed. ¡°Well, at last you saved one ship full of ancient artifacts.¡± He said with a grim sadness. ¡°There is a lot more of this, I just don¡¯t have the funding or the materials to gather my museum together.¡± He nodded with a slight wink to hint. ¡°We can pool our resources and turn the ship into a mobile museum; you can have my ship for materials. This is great. We can park on top of the missing roof and use it as a docking bay for small ships¡± said the alien, extending a paw to shake. ¡°UrMarlmertader.¡± It said. William looked over at Uka for translation. ¡°I think I may have suffered a minor eardrum rupture.¡± He said trying to pop his jaw. ¡°It¡¯s my name.¡± he added. ¡°How about just Marley for short?¡± he suggested. ¡°Okay, but I get to call you Lawg.¡± He insisted. They shook on it and as a friendship was being forged in the fires of ignorance and frivolousity, Uka¡¯s feeling of imminent doom was returning and now she believed her life would end not in the presents of one moron¡­but two of a kind. A rather adorable yawn sprawled over the face of our alien friend as they worked diligently to get the ship working. Captain Lawg was prepared for this sort of incident. With a few pipes and some hazardous welds, it almost looked stable. It took them 28 cans of flex-spray to fill the gaps of the two ships together with a nice screen-door-boat type seal, just like the energetic man in the commercial showed. A good bit of cargo canvas and some more Survival Green tape and the drafty soft-top canopy was stronger than ever. Marley was a hell of a welder for something furry and flammable, possibly the worst profession to have next to scavenging Earth-debris in a ship designed to keep cargo cold in space with a roof the equivalent of an umbrella, and questionable everything else. They sat down for a break and Uka decided to get some sleep while the others tinkered on the death-ship. Marley munched on a home-made marshmallow and admired his work. ¡°You know¡­we may survive this.¡± He noted. ¡°Of course we will. You¡¯re flying with the Lawg-man. Nothing flies like a Lawg. Oh I¡¯ve been meaning to ask you¡­what the hell are you anyway, some kind of space bunny?¡± he said tossing aside his scraped cracker remains. ¡°The hell is a bunny?¡± he asked, scrunching his nose with his paw. ¡°I¡¯m a Delmarian.¡± He shrugged. William jumped a little. ¡°You mean the thing everyone is terrified of? But your not remotely intimidating¡­are you a kid or something?¡± he asked. ¡°A kid? I¡¯m fifteen years old, almost middle age. I have a wife back home.¡± ¡°She cute?¡± asked Lawg. ¡°Nope.¡± He said without hesitation. ¡°Why do you think I took a bounty job with my cousin Ferbis? I never fit in on my world. Delmarians are known for being warriors, we took over the Kneebler Empire in 6 cycles. But I¡¯m not a fighter, I¡¯d rather read and tinker.¡± He admitted. ¡°Aren¡¯t Delmarians supposed to have genitals on their face. I heard that somewhere recently.¡± William muttered. ¡°Seriously? Why does everyone get that wrong? Do I look like I have genitals on my face? They¡¯re TENTACLES not TESTICLES!! Why does everyone think these are scrotal bits? They¡¯re sensory glands for picking up bio-electric activity.¡± ¡°Geese, sorry. Didn¡¯t mean to trigger the wrath of space-bunny. So what are those things on your head?¡± he asked. ¡°Ears¡­everybody has ears.¡± He snipped. ¡°Not everyone has 2 sets, and I mean the bumps in front of them.¡± he corrected. ¡°Oh the stumps¡­right. Delmarians have antlers. Most of us trim them for space travel¡­makes getting on a helmet impossible otherwise.¡± He said sniffing the air. His ears stood up straight and parted to reveal a membrane between the sets. They quivered like he was picking up something. ¡°What is that music?¡± he asked hearing the Ice-cream jingle. ¡°Proximity alarm, we must be close to the debris field. I have the light speed drive set to favorites so it tells us when we arrived¡± William said, rushing to the front of the ship and hopping over the door of his convertible Fusion. He shifted into viewer-mode and began scanning for useful bits. ¡°Amazing, so this is the Earth Debris.¡± Marley said, hopping into the passenger side and buckling up. ¡°Location is a secret between the two of us historians.¡± He nodded. ¡°Doesn¡¯t your mate know too?¡± he asked. ¡°My mate¡­the girl?¡± he asked. ¡°I assumed she was. You look similar and are traveling together, alone. Plus you seem to hate each other. I can¡¯t think of another good reason she would endanger herself in this ship if she isn¡¯t a scavenger and she is your mate.¡± ¡°We¡¯re not even the same species.¡± William said looking slightly offended. ¡°You humanoids all look alike to me. What is that thing?¡± he asked. ¡°Part of an old apple store, not a fan of apples myself, they get freezerburnt and go bitter. Nothing valuable. Watch for frozen birds, they get stuck in the turbine and wreak havoc on your blades. At least they don¡¯t attack you. I found part of a video file some time ago with some early humans firing frozen chickens into windshields. Apparently chickens were prone to attacking and penetrating your front glass. It must have been a real problem.¡± He noted. ¡°That¡¯s terrifying.¡± Marley said looking adorably mortified. ¡°Yea, they just fly right at you and tear through the hull, engines, cockpit. The audio was ruined but the video was rather clear. Chickens were a serious threat to early space-travel vehicles. I¡¯m sure they can¡¯t get through a more modern craft, that front glass is 2 inches thick.¡± He assured, dodging a small rock. ¡°Yes, such a formidable beast would never think to aim for the flapping tape circle on top that ironically resembles a target.¡± ¡°Don¡¯t worry about it. Hey, here we go. You wanted food...forget the ration packs¡­I present to you the jackpot of debris.¡± He said veering towards a semi-trailer spinning adrift with a big red and white logo. He fired the grappling hook and began bracing. There was a hefty thud and they were locked in. footsteps approached softy, yet angrily. ¡°What the Shit, Lawg?! You can¡¯t warn me before you go ramming something?¡± said an angry Uka with her blue bed-hair frizzed. ¡°Sorry, forgot you were sleeping. We found something good.¡± He said carefully manipulating the grappling arm to guide the debris chunks to the new cargo-bay. They stood in the cargo bay. ¡°See? Gold-mine.¡± He said standing proudly with his foot on a pair of mangled vending machine. ¡°So these metal crates have food in them?¡± asked Uka. ¡°This one has liquids, the other has solid rations. They¡¯re sealed pretty tight so most of the cans and packages are preserved.¡± He said as he pried the front off and with a tail-wiggle, Marley snagged the first can that fell out and began trying to bite it open. ¡°Pull tab on top open the cans.¡± said William. There was a faint click and then a deep concussive detonation, bouncing Marley off the side wall and droplets of soda rained down on them. ¡°Yea you gotta tap them for a minute while they warm up. The vacuum of space does weird shit to carbonated stuff. You wouldn¡¯t think bubbles would pack that kind of force but, well, there you have it.¡± he casually said tapping the top of his can as Marley just laid there, sprawled out like a rag doll. ¡°What is this stuff?¡± asked Uka. ¡°Human Soda. Mostly sugar and caffeine, perfect chasers and packed with essential calories. The Cocaine Company developed it for a mixer in the early 1700¡¯s. Very hard to get this stuff anywhere but the debris field is just loaded with them. As Captain, I call dibs on the red ones. Everything else is fair scavenge. He said grabbing a red can and putting it under his arm to warm. He walked to the nearby cabinet and dug around for a bottle of Cuban rum. He opened it and gave the can a few taps before slowly cracking it. ¡°Best drink ever invented: Rum and Cola. They called this a Chupacabra.¡± He said proudly getting the mix just right and sipping it gently, noticing Marley still lying prone and his foot twitching. ¡°Is he dead?¡± she asked. ¡°Nah, he¡¯s fine. Delmarians are tougher than they look.¡± He muttered, strolling to the closet to store his prizes. ¡°Don¡¯t they usually move a little bit?¡± she asked. ¡°I dunno¡­I¡¯m a historical scavenger not an alien medic. Try lightly kicking his chintacles.¡± He suggested. ¡°Aren¡¯t those genitalia?¡± she asked. ¡°Nope, common mistake. Those are electronic scenting glands or something.¡± ¡°That can¡¯t be accurate.¡± She doubted, lightly poking him with her shoe. He groaned and opened his eyes. ¡°Nope. He is alive.¡± she smiled. ¡°Damn right I am!¡± he wheezed. ¡°And you better not be thinking about eating me, even if I was dead. You carnivores are disgusting.¡± Marley yelled. ¡°You just said Delmarians are warriors and you massacred the Kepler Empire or something.¡± William said enjoying his Cuban Libra, or whatever. ¡°War is hell, man. A lot of people die, but eating the bodies is a totally different low.¡± He said snatching the soda from William, who opened it as he was preaching and handed it his direction. He swigged it down and let out a belch. ¡°That is actually pretty good.¡± He admitted just before the lights went out. There was silence in the darkness as a sudden and quiet chuckle filled the cargo bay. ¡°You guys can¡¯t see in the dark can you?¡± asked Marley. ¡°Come on, man. Don¡¯t be a furry little dick, turn the light back on.¡± insisted William. The sound of furry feet patting away proceeded the awkward silence. ¡°Blow me up with a beverage and then ask me to turn the lights back on.¡± He muttered leaving the cargo bay with his drink. ¡°So¡­you like the soda?¡± he asked the darkness. ¡°You set the kitchen light alarm to switch to the red lights that you forgot to replace¡­ didn¡¯t you?¡± Uka asked in the blackness, cracking open a soda. ¡°Yep¡­Chupacabra?¡± he asked, holding out the bottle in whatever direction he assumed she was. ¡°I hate you.¡± she muttered. Episode 1: Desperation and Chupacabras (Part 2) Part 2 ¡°It doesn¡¯t make sense. There is nothing in space to compress in order to make sound waves.¡± She said looking irritated despite being now in a warm cargo bay, green tape binding her wrists. ¡°They heard it, didn¡¯t they? And now we are warm and sitting on a crate of cargo instead of frozen to death. Things work out of you just let the flow take you.¡± ¡°The flow didn¡¯t take us¡­pirates took us. We are captive on a pirate ship, how is this a good thing?¡± she whispered angrily. ¡°Well, warm and tied up is better than freezing and not tied up. They have food somewhere so you might not starve now or have to eat those horrible meat tubes. And we were going to run out of oxygen soon, so alive beats dead. Think of this as a stroke of luck. Chafee¡¯s are naturally lucky.¡± ¡°I will kill you if they don¡¯t kill us first.¡± She muttered as the doors opened and a short, fat alien stood proudly wielding a rather bazooka-esque weapon. He was armored from head to toe and spoke through a voice modulator to sound more menacing. 2 pair of rabbit ears hung on either side of his mask, like something out of a horror movie. ¡°Um, so can we stop off at a fuel-stop and get a shower?¡± William asked the alien. ¡°Name and rank.¡± He barked. ¡°Captain William Lawg of the Starship Tast-E-Chill. This is my copilot¡­um, I never did ask your name did I?¡± he muttered. ¡°Uka.¡± She said rolling her eyes. ¡°Is this a military vessel or waste disposal?¡± it asked. ¡°Neither. It¡¯s a mobile Earth-museum currently, but it used to be a frozen food storage ship.¡± Lawg grinned. ¡°What kind of food?¡± it asked. ¡°Mostly frozen dairy and sugar bars. They are amazing. I found lots of small ships carrying them. Probably easy to store since you just open a window and the back stays pretty cold. There were some bags of incents in a sealed container under the seat with some paper and lighters but I traded them for light bulbs to some cargo hauler. Sucker gave me 18 bulbs for about an ounce of incense.¡± He bragged ¡°Weaponry?¡± it asked angrily in a low throaty voice. ¡°I had a pistol but that¡¯s gone now. Otherwise nothing.¡± He admitted. ¡°What happened to the dairy bars?¡± it asked. ¡°I ate them already, all except a box of bubblegum sherbet. I just tossed that out the airlock with the wrappers, believe me you aren¡¯t missing anything.¡± ¡°So you two are alone¡­no weapons, no food, no cargo and no fuel?¡± it asked. ¡°No fuel?¡± asked Uka, looking alarmed. ¡°Sorry, I didn¡¯t mention it before cuz we would die of air-loss way before we ran out of fuel.¡± He assured. The alien hung his head and drooped its ears. ¡°Maaan. I suck at this job.¡± He mumbled, looking very sad. He tossed the weapon aside. ¡°HEY! Careful with that thing.¡± hollered William. ¡°Don¡¯t worry, it¡¯s not dangerous. It just blows warm air. I tried to fix it but I don¡¯t think it was ever really a weapon.¡± He said flopping down and removing his menacing face mask to show a much less menacing chubby-cheeked bunny face under it. ¡°So you don¡¯t have any weapons either?¡± asked Uka. ¡°Nope. Just a few crates of something called Coffee liquor. It tastes horrible and I nearly died trying to drink a bottle of it. Otherwise all I have are these dried, inedible bags of old meat.¡± He said kicking a crate. Uka tore open a bag and began mowing frantically, looking downright blissful in the process. ¡°You do realize that is made from dead aliens and packed in toxic salt right?¡± it said hesitantly. ¡°It¡¯s delicious, just spiced meat that has been preserved.¡± She said chewing harshly. ¡°Yea¡­I said that¡­ Dead aliens and salt.¡± He said shuffling his feet. ¡°You must be really starving. Have you eaten anything in months?¡± he asked. ¡°She ate 3 hours ago.¡± said William, trying a piece. ¡°I have to admit, if we soaked this in water and warmed it up this would basically just be pepper-steak.¡± He shrugged ¡°Wait¡­you guys normally eat meat? You two are carnivores?¡± it said grabbing the leaf blower and shouldering it. ¡°Relax, I¡¯m a boozaterrian mostly, we aren¡¯t gonna eat you. That thing just blows warm air anyway. You just told that part.¡± ¡°Maybe I just have to turn the safety off, this could be a warning mode.¡± He bluffed. ¡°Stop stressing out, you will find food, meanwhile this won¡¯t go to waste with her on board. You can drop us off somewhere and we won¡¯t hurt you. Everything is fine. The universe provides.¡± He said kicking back. ¡°The universe isn¡¯t providing me shit!¡± the creature snapped. ¡°Two weeks with just a 5 day ration pack, and my navigation went offline so I can¡¯t even find a planet with food. I find one ship and they don¡¯t have food either. And I don¡¯t even know how to use the showers!!!¡± he yelled, kicking the crate again. ¡°Why don¡¯t you know how to use the showers on your own ship?¡± he asked. ¡°Because this isn¡¯t my ship!! I was a janitor on a 5-man crew. Me, 3 bounty hunters and a cook. I was hoping to get my warrior roots and experience and become a bounty hunter too but the first bounty we found tricked us. I got suited up to help them and next thing I know they flew away and left me on this old prisoner transport shuttle. I don¡¯t even know how to fly this thing, I just yelled at the voice control till it started moving. I¡¯m gonna die in here.¡± He said slumping. ¡°Most navigation¡¯s are voice activated.¡± Pointed out William. ¡°It¡¯s a Bongo brand Galaxy Positioning Satellite navigator and the language has been stuck on Dyrellian. I can¡¯t speak Dyrellian and my communicator doesn¡¯t have the right adapter to charge. You¡¯d think they would all use the same adapter but no, 47 different plugs and mine is an older operating system.¡± the bunny complained. ¡°Did you try hitting it really hard, sometimes that works? Maybe turn the GPS off and back on again.¡± He suggested. ¡°What good is turning it off¡­¡± he said switching it off dramatically. ¡°And right back on again?¡± he finished, flipping it on dramatically. The light turned green. ¡°Welcome to Bongo, please select your planetary language.¡± said a pleasant female voice. "GGGGHAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!¡± screamed the alien, smacking its face into the screen and dropping to his knees in frustration. ¡°I wouldn¡¯t touch the screen with my face, you never know who else has used it and some species have their genitals on their face¡­I¡¯m just saying you could get beard-ball-lice.¡± William whispered to Uka. ¡°Two weeks¡­I could have caught up to the other bounty hunters¡­all I had to do was flip the switch back and forth. Now I¡¯m gonna die because I drifted out of the trade rout-range and I have no food and a gun that just gently blows air for NO PURPOSE WHATSOEVER!!¡± he said, practically melting into the floor with exhaustion. ¡°We have navigation charts, we could just pool resources and go. I have a nav system but it hasn¡¯t been updated in forever. A hundred credits a year for updates¡­it¡¯s just robbery. I could have paid 400 for lifetime updates but who has that just in their pocket to blow on navigational charts?¡± he scoffed as if giving pearls of wisdom. ¡°You¡¯re right¡­were saved. We can just take my stuff to your ship and tow this Junker to the next planet! I am going to live!!¡± it triumphantly cheered. His look of triumph was now a look of confusion and utter dismay. ¡°Are you shitting me?¡± he asked, staring at the 8 foot hole in the top of the dining room section, covered only with canvas sheets and an obscene amount of green packaging tape. ¡°It¡¯s tougher than it looks.¡± assured William. ¡°Oh really¡­because it looks like 15 or 20 layers of adhesive tape where the towing anchor should be. You are missing a vital section of your ship and you decided that the deadly vacuum of space was adequately separated from your fleshy body by plastic and sticky resin, less then the thickness of my pants. How are you two not dead? The radiation alone in some sectors would kill you in hours, what is insulating the ship?¡± he asked. ¡°Well, we have been using blankets and huddling by the woodstove. I¡¯m immune to radiation and I guess Uka was just fortunate to only be on here for a short time and in a sector with low radiation. Chafee¡¯s are known for good luck.¡± He assured. ¡°You are flying a ship through the least survivable conditions scientifically possible, with a condom for a roof. I could jam my paw through that if I wanted.This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere. ¡°I definitely wouldn¡¯t try that. That¡¯s the only thing separating us from space.¡± reminded William Lawg, philosopher. The alien put his face in his paws and shook his head. ¡°Maybe the radiation HAS accumulated in your brain.¡± He sighed to himself. ¡°Okay, let me be perfectly clear. I am not going to be living under that for any more then the time it takes to briskly run from one sealed section to another. That is the scariest thing I have ever spent this long looking at.¡± He insisted. ¡°Well it¡¯s either that or in the cargo freezer that has no roof panels at all, or the engine room. They¡¯re about the same temperature and if you close the door there is no air circulation. The ducts were re-purposed a few months ago.¡± William shrugged. ¡°For what? What could you possibly have a need for that would be more important than ventilation in a spacecraft?¡± asked the alien. William beamed proudly as he unveiled his creation and the others sunk with a look of utter disbelief and disappointment. ¡°It¡¯s called a hot-tub.¡± He grinned. "It¡¯s a huge bath-tub.¡± said the alien. ¡°No, it¡¯s a hot-tub, filled with hot water that bubbles and it re-circulates through these nozzles. A bath tub just sits there. This has massage jets and temperature control and mood lighting and it holds up to 5 humanoids¡­preferably 4 of them female and one of them being me.¡± he informed. ¡°So¡­like a human mating chamber?¡± it asked. ¡°Well, no not¡­I mean you could get in the mood and get the party started in this beast but the action would have to go elsewhere after a point. This is a re-circulating vat of fluids¡­it¡¯s a good idea to keep those fluids limited to water and cleaning chemicals.¡± He protested. ¡°So you cant mate in it¡­you don¡¯t bathe in it and the water just goes back in the same tub repeatedly¡­you can¡¯t drink the water because of the cleaning chemicals¡­what is the purpose of this device?¡± it asked. ¡°For chilling out, relaxing. You have a good soak, let the jets ease tension and set a vibe of carefree fun. Lubricates the social setting and gets people talking and sharing.¡± He defended. ¡°I thought your species was about ten percent alcohol by volume¡­how much additional relaxation is needed to have a conversation?¡± it said, looking unimpressed. ¡°You¡­¡± he said pointing his finger. ¡°You just, it¡¯s a traditional thing. Earth-heritage. This bad-boy is a piece of history.¡± ¡°It¡¯s a piece of something for sure.¡± chimed Uka. ¡°Wait¡­Earth?¡± asked the alien. ¡°Yea. My ancestors lived there, this is a piece of Earth history preserved and made functional. Kings and presidents would sign treaties in these things. Vladimir Pudding and King Arthur probably signed the Ten Declarations of the Commandments in one of these.¡± He recited. ¡°Maybe this exact one, you never know!¡± barked Lawg. ¡°I have always wanted to study Earth history, I thought it was a myth. Didn¡¯t its inhabitants create a black-hole underground and rip the planet it in half or something.¡± ¡°Yea, but that¡¯s a different¡­don¡¯t worry about it.¡± he waved. "It makes sense now that the same species that decided to build a planet killing device inside their own planet would decide to replace an inch thick steel and carbon fiber panel with tape. I think I understand why they died now.¡± he said solemnly. ¡°Hey, humans were adventurous and brave. No, we didn¡¯t always think things out but we took risks and we bravely explored the unknown!¡± he protested further. ¡°Kinda like isolating the most destructive particles in existence and shooting them into one another at the speed of light in a big tube right under one of their populated cities? Did you even have a backup planet terraformed yet in case it went the way it went?¡± he asked. ¡°No, I think the space program was already scrapped by then.¡± William said looking ashamed. ¡°Well, at last you saved one ship full of ancient artifacts.¡± He said with a grim sadness. ¡°There is a lot more of this, I just don¡¯t have the funding or the materials to gather my museum together.¡± He nodded with a slight wink to hint. ¡°We can pool our resources and turn the ship into a mobile museum; you can have my ship for materials. This is great. We can park on top of the missing roof and use it as a docking bay for small ships¡± said the alien, extending a paw to shake. ¡°UrMarlmertader.¡± It said. William looked over at Uka for translation. ¡°I think I may have suffered a minor eardrum rupture.¡± He said trying to pop his jaw. ¡°It¡¯s my name.¡± he added. ¡°How about just Marley for short?¡± he suggested. ¡°Okay, but I get to call you Lawg.¡± He insisted. They shook on it and as a friendship was being forged in the fires of ignorance and frivolousity, Uka¡¯s feeling of imminent doom was returning and now she believed her life would end not in the presents of one moron¡­but two of a kind. A rather adorable yawn sprawled over the face of our alien friend as they worked diligently to get the ship working. Captain Lawg was prepared for this sort of incident. With a few pipes and some hazardous welds, it almost looked stable. It took them 28 cans of flex-spray to fill the gaps of the two ships together with a nice screen-door-boat type seal, just like the energetic man in the commercial showed. A good bit of cargo canvas and some more Survival Green tape and the drafty soft-top canopy was stronger than ever. Marley was a hell of a welder for something furry and flammable, possibly the worst profession to have next to scavenging Earth-debris in a ship designed to keep cargo cold in space with a roof the equivalent of an umbrella, and questionable everything else. They sat down for a break and Uka decided to get some sleep while the others tinkered on the death-ship. Marley munched on a home-made marshmallow and admired his work. ¡°You know¡­we may survive this.¡± He noted. ¡°Of course we will. You¡¯re flying with the Lawg-man. Nothing flies like a Lawg. Oh I¡¯ve been meaning to ask you¡­what the hell are you anyway, some kind of space bunny?¡± he said tossing aside his scraped cracker remains. ¡°The hell is a bunny?¡± he asked, scrunching his nose with his paw. ¡°I¡¯m a Delmarian.¡± He shrugged. William jumped a little. ¡°You mean the thing everyone is terrified of? But your not remotely intimidating¡­are you a kid or something?¡± he asked. ¡°A kid? I¡¯m fifteen years old, almost middle age. I have a wife back home.¡± ¡°She cute?¡± asked Lawg. ¡°Nope.¡± He said without hesitation. ¡°Why do you think I took a bounty job with my cousin Ferbis? I never fit in on my world. Delmarians are known for being warriors, we took over the Kneebler Empire in 6 cycles. But I¡¯m not a fighter, I¡¯d rather read and tinker.¡± He admitted. ¡°Aren¡¯t Delmarians supposed to have genitals on their face. I heard that somewhere recently.¡± William muttered. ¡°Seriously? Why does everyone get that wrong? Do I look like I have genitals on my face? They¡¯re TENTACLES not TESTICLES!! Why does everyone think these are scrotal bits? They¡¯re sensory glands for picking up bio-electric activity.¡± ¡°Geese, sorry. Didn¡¯t mean to trigger the wrath of space-bunny. So what are those things on your head?¡± he asked. ¡°Ears¡­everybody has ears.¡± He snipped. ¡°Not everyone has 2 sets, and I mean the bumps in front of them.¡± he corrected. ¡°Oh the stumps¡­right. Delmarians have antlers. Most of us trim them for space travel¡­makes getting on a helmet impossible otherwise.¡± He said sniffing the air. His ears stood up straight and parted to reveal a membrane between the sets. They quivered like he was picking up something. ¡°What is that music?¡± he asked hearing the Ice-cream jingle. ¡°Proximity alarm, we must be close to the debris field. I have the light speed drive set to favorites so it tells us when we arrived¡± William said, rushing to the front of the ship and hopping over the door of his convertible Fusion. He shifted into viewer-mode and began scanning for useful bits. ¡°Amazing, so this is the Earth Debris.¡± Marley said, hopping into the passenger side and buckling up. ¡°Location is a secret between the two of us historians.¡± He nodded. ¡°Doesn¡¯t your mate know too?¡± he asked. ¡°My mate¡­the girl?¡± he asked. ¡°I assumed she was. You look similar and are traveling together, alone. Plus you seem to hate each other. I can¡¯t think of another good reason she would endanger herself in this ship if she isn¡¯t a scavenger and she is your mate.¡± ¡°We¡¯re not even the same species.¡± William said looking slightly offended. ¡°You humanoids all look alike to me. What is that thing?¡± he asked. ¡°Part of an old apple store, not a fan of apples myself, they get freezerburnt and go bitter. Nothing valuable. Watch for frozen birds, they get stuck in the turbine and wreak havoc on your blades. At least they don¡¯t attack you. I found part of a video file some time ago with some early humans firing frozen chickens into windshields. Apparently chickens were prone to attacking and penetrating your front glass. It must have been a real problem.¡± He noted. ¡°That¡¯s terrifying.¡± Marley said looking adorably mortified. ¡°Yea, they just fly right at you and tear through the hull, engines, cockpit. The audio was ruined but the video was rather clear. Chickens were a serious threat to early space-travel vehicles. I¡¯m sure they can¡¯t get through a more modern craft, that front glass is 2 inches thick.¡± He assured, dodging a small rock. ¡°Yes, such a formidable beast would never think to aim for the flapping tape circle on top that ironically resembles a target.¡± ¡°Don¡¯t worry about it. Hey, here we go. You wanted food...forget the ration packs¡­I present to you the jackpot of debris.¡± He said veering towards a semi-trailer spinning adrift with a big red and white logo. He fired the grappling hook and began bracing. There was a hefty thud and they were locked in. footsteps approached softy, yet angrily. ¡°What the Shit, Lawg?! You can¡¯t warn me before you go ramming something?¡± said an angry Uka with her blue bed-hair frizzed. ¡°Sorry, forgot you were sleeping. We found something good.¡± He said carefully manipulating the grappling arm to guide the debris chunks to the new cargo-bay. They stood in the cargo bay. ¡°See? Gold-mine.¡± He said standing proudly with his foot on a pair of mangled vending machine. ¡°So these metal crates have food in them?¡± asked Uka. ¡°This one has liquids, the other has solid rations. They¡¯re sealed pretty tight so most of the cans and packages are preserved.¡± He said as he pried the front off and with a tail-wiggle, Marley snagged the first can that fell out and began trying to bite it open. ¡°Pull tab on top open the cans.¡± said William. There was a faint click and then a deep concussive detonation, bouncing Marley off the side wall and droplets of soda rained down on them. ¡°Yea you gotta tap them for a minute while they warm up. The vacuum of space does weird shit to carbonated stuff. You wouldn¡¯t think bubbles would pack that kind of force but, well, there you have it.¡± he casually said tapping the top of his can as Marley just laid there, sprawled out like a rag doll. ¡°What is this stuff?¡± asked Uka. ¡°Human Soda. Mostly sugar and caffeine, perfect chasers and packed with essential calories. The Cocaine Company developed it for a mixer in the early 1700¡¯s. Very hard to get this stuff anywhere but the debris field is just loaded with them. As Captain, I call dibs on the red ones. Everything else is fair scavenge. He said grabbing a red can and putting it under his arm to warm. He walked to the nearby cabinet and dug around for a bottle of Cuban rum. He opened it and gave the can a few taps before slowly cracking it. ¡°Best drink ever invented: Rum and Cola. They called this a Chupacabra.¡± He said proudly getting the mix just right and sipping it gently, noticing Marley still lying prone and his foot twitching. ¡°Is he dead?¡± she asked. ¡°Nah, he¡¯s fine. Delmarians are tougher than they look.¡± He muttered, strolling to the closet to store his prizes. ¡°Don¡¯t they usually move a little bit?¡± she asked. ¡°I dunno¡­I¡¯m a historical scavenger not an alien medic. Try lightly kicking his chintacles.¡± He suggested. ¡°Aren¡¯t those genitalia?¡± she asked. ¡°Nope, common mistake. Those are electronic scenting glands or something.¡± ¡°That can¡¯t be accurate.¡± She doubted, lightly poking him with her shoe. He groaned and opened his eyes. ¡°Nope. He is alive.¡± she smiled. ¡°Damn right I am!¡± he wheezed. ¡°And you better not be thinking about eating me, even if I was dead. You carnivores are disgusting.¡± Marley yelled. ¡°You just said Delmarians are warriors and you massacred the Kepler Empire or something.¡± William said enjoying his Cuban Libra, or whatever. ¡°War is hell, man. A lot of people die, but eating the bodies is a totally different low.¡± He said snatching the soda from William, who opened it as he was preaching and handed it his direction. He swigged it down and let out a belch. ¡°That is actually pretty good.¡± He admitted just before the lights went out. There was silence in the darkness as a sudden and quiet chuckle filled the cargo bay. ¡°You guys can¡¯t see in the dark can you?¡± asked Marley. ¡°Come on, man. Don¡¯t be a furry little dick, turn the light back on.¡± insisted William. The sound of furry feet patting away proceeded the awkward silence. ¡°Blow me up with a beverage and then ask me to turn the lights back on.¡± He muttered leaving the cargo bay with his drink. ¡°So¡­you like the soda?¡± he asked the darkness. ¡°You set the kitchen light alarm to switch to the red lights that you forgot to replace¡­ didn¡¯t you?¡± Uka asked in the blackness, cracking open a soda. ¡°Yep¡­Chupacabra?¡± he asked, holding out the bottle in whatever direction he assumed she was. ¡°I hate you.¡± she muttered. Episode 2: Shit Happens "Lawg Vlog number 2. I have been documenting my adventures for future generations of explorers in case some day I discover that I am not immortal. I mean, I might be, this is space so anything is possible and I should have probably died by now from any number of insane situations I¡¯ve been exposed to. The point is I¡¯m probably immortal, but in case I¡¯m not I want the Lawg legacy to continue. Now that I think about it¡­I probably have kids already. Damn I should really look into that. If they exist, they would be half me and that¡¯s still pretty awesome. Maybe somewhere there is a really awesome kid of mine, like still young enough to follow in my boot-prints but not young enough to need supervision all the time. Definitely a boy, women are too much hassle. Oh damn¡­then I would have future competition. If he''s anything like me, by the time he''s 18 he would be a regular poon prowler. I¡¯d have to start installing doors and that would really limit my privacy options. Ugh, screw that, no kids, nevermind. I¡¯ll just have to live forever like I¡¯ve been doing so far. I mean it''s working fine so why change things? Which reminds me, we need to find a space port at some point for fuel and poon. Maybe some milk too, I found some cereal I¡¯ve been dying to try but apparently you need milk. Whatever. Log out.¡± he said closing his video tab and noticing a 4 foot bunny in the reflection, waiting patiently. ¡°We got a problem, we¡¯re really in deep shit Lawg.¡± He muttered. ¡°What kind of problem?¡± ¡°Deep shit.¡± He repeated. ¡°I mean specifically what kind of problem, I get that it¡¯s serious.¡± He said frustrated. Marley blinked silently and sighed. "You need to see this." Lawg stood with a look of terror and disgust on his face, staring down at the most horrifying thing he ever saw. ¡°The toilets are broken. We are 6 days from the next station and the crapper isn¡¯t letting go.¡± said Marley. ¡°I can see that¡­ugh geese, what did you eat that resulted in that?¡± he said shutting the door. ¡°Hey, that isn¡¯t just mine, you guys have baked some loafs of your own. You carnivores are particularly disgusting. I only take credit for the discreet little pebblettes in that desecration of food long lost.¡± he defended. ¡°Okay, I get it. Why is there numerous deuces adding up to one big sum in the toilet? I know I have been flushing and that accumulation is at least 7 days of 2s. That¡¯s 14!¡± He objected. Marley pulled out a pocket scanner and ran a laser over the pipes. ¡°Yea just what I thought¡­the pipes run under the gravity plating. It¡¯s a bad design. It works for a while but with too much use, it corrodes the plating at the tailpipe and it causes zero-G cloggage. The debris starts floating and attracting to the pipe. It¡¯s a real issue in the older ships. Whatever idiot put these pipes in should be slapped.¡± He noted. ¡°Hey, it was a short-range cruiser. It was only designed to transport frozen food for 12 hour runs. You don¡¯t get many runs in those runs, all the waste just went into a tank and it had to be removed and dumped after every mission. The Captain doesn¡¯t do routine poop shuffles, so I just ran the pipe to the rear of the ship and put a dump valve on it. Eliminated the work, dump the dumps.¡± Log grinned proudly. ¡°You also didn¡¯t use stainless pipe. The gravitanium coating on the septic tank was what kept things flowing. Now you have a straight pipe in line with the gravity plane and corrosive metal for the last 40 feet of pipe. It¡¯s a wonder we have had full gravitational backslosh by now.¡± he said pointing to numbers on his scanner. ¡°When the hell did you get all smart?¡± he asked. ¡°I¡¯ve always been smart.¡± Marley pointed out. ¡°You didn¡¯t know to re-boot the GPS on that bounty ship when we found you.¡± ¡°First of all Lawg, I was scared and alone and I hadn¡¯t eaten for days or slept in 30 hours, I didn¡¯t have my universal scanner, and I nearly died of alcohol poisoning, so just drop it Lawg.¡± He argued. ¡°Okay, so the shitter is broke. Cant we just remove the pipe and let it vent naturally?¡± ¡°You¡¯d think since space is a vacuum and all but no. It¡¯s very technical. We don¡¯t want any of that getting pulled back in the aspirators. You could ruin the engines and then we die in space without a working shitter.¡± He explained. ¡°Yea that¡¯s bad. Can''t we just wrap the bowl in plastic wrap and use the other bathroom till we reach the station?¡± he suggested. ¡°It¡¯s the plumbing, not the actual toilet, so it affects both of them you chimp!¡± he said kicking air, rather angrily. ¡°Hey calm, down little buddy, we have enough plastic wrap for both. We can just use the food containers when were done and then blow it out the airlock.¡± ¡°That¡¯s seriously your solution? Just pile the essential airlock we walk through to get to the cargo bay, with little cans of poop and then occasionally subject it to a sudden pressure difference that wastes air and covers the airlock doors in poop?¡± ¡°It¡¯s an airlock, you pump the air out of the room first so it just gently floats away." he explained ¡°Okay¡­not only is the airlock on the side of the ship, the only one because you turned the upper rear airlock into a convertible¡­and not only is the oxygen very precious in a spaceship, but the whole reason the airlock functions at all I because it pumps the air back into the collectors. Do you know what happens to a gallon of poop when you pull a vacuum and pump the fumes back into the ship repeatedly for 6 days? Because I don¡¯t know what it would do but it sounds really bad doesn¡¯t it?¡± ¡°Yea I guess it wouldn¡¯t be a good idea. So what do you suggest?¡± ¡°We do an EVA spacewalk and pump the system. It¡¯s a simple concept and in theory would take a half-hour or so. We have all the tools.¡± suggested Marley. ¡°Since you know damn good and well we don¡¯t have an EVA suit that would fit you, I assume you are assuming you are exempt from this mission.¡± He said squinting suspiciously. ¡°Hey, I can''t help it if they don¡¯t make EVA suits on humanoid ships designed to fit Delmarian anatomy.¡± he grinned. ¡°Captains don¡¯t plumb, it''s against the plumber''s union code.¡± He reminded proudly. ¡°Well you did the plumbing that created this mess but what do I know¡­besides¡­you have a subordinate who would fit a humanoid suit.¡± He noted. ¡°I hate you guys.¡± said Uka, putting her boots on. ¡°Hey, this is space exploration, baby. Peter Puffball here can¡¯t fit the suits and I have to manually keep the spleefter valves in check while someone does the spacewalk. ¡°There is no way that is a real thing!¡± she said pointing a very angry finger. ¡°That is absolutely a real thing on starship plumbing lines. It takes 2 people to run back and forth and one to EVA and you don¡¯t know the different valves in a pinch. ¡°You wanna know what a Captain does in a pinch, because I¡¯m about to pinch your head off.¡± she growled. ¡°Okay, not to interrupt your conversation but in regards to pinches, we happen to have a clogged poop-tube that is only getting worse, so let¡¯s maybe do this in a timely fashion without settling your lovers quarrel during the evacuation''s evacuation.¡± said the tech-bunny, handing her a bundle of rope. ¡°What is this deal?¡± she asked, holding up the frayed end of rope connected to the carabineer, held with Survival Green tape. ¡°EVA tether. We can¡¯t stop moving or the pipes will just dump both ways.¡± explained Captain Lawg. "That''s Einsteins conservation of gravity!" ¡°Newton''s law of momentum. I get that much¡­why is my EVA line a piece of string with tape on it¡­old crusty rope the size of a shoelace.¡± She barked. ¡°I sold some stuff a while back. Didn¡¯t think I needed it.¡± ¡°What could you have possibly traded for some nylon rope and a clip?¡± ¡°Bout 20 feet of iron pipe, don¡¯t worry, you¡¯ll see it for yourself.¡± Uka nervously climbed the rails on the underside of the ship, tracing the pipe to its problem area. She counted the panels until she got to panel 35. ¡°Doing good?¡± asked William with a yawn. ¡°Great, just tethered to a moving ship by a piece of string, about to root the backed up crap from a week¡¯s worth of vending machine waste. Freaking sunshine and rainbows down here.¡± She said squinting at something as she pried the panel off. She wiped the frost off the valve and examined the label. ¡°Spleefter valve, really?¡± she grunted rhetorically. ¡°Yea, you¡¯re at the junction. Wait a second¡­¡± he said. Suddenly one of the lights flickered and ¡°twinkle twinkle¡± began playing sluggishly over the alarms. ¡°Oh hell. We got a problem. Uka, see if you can crawl into the panel and shut it behind you.¡± he suggested. ¡°What?!? WHY!?!¡± she barked. You could be reading stolen content. Head to the original site for the genuine story. ¡°We have company¡­you need to hide now.¡± he said. ¡°If this is a prank I will literally asphyxiate you with this shit-pipe until you die.¡± ¡°Not a joke, into the crawlspace with you. Watch for sharp things, your EVA suit is pretty old.¡± he suggested ¡°You don¡¯t have one descent EVA suit?¡± she asked. He turned off the coms. As she crawled into the panel opening he shrugged to Marley. ¡°I mean¡­there is my suit, but its got ¡°Captain¡± in big letters on it. I¡¯m not letting her wear the captain suit.¡± He muttered to Marley as if it was obviously justified. The com system changed to the hailing channel. ¡°This is Captain Crayta of the starship Deathmaggot. You have something that belongs to us.¡± said a deep menacing voice. ¡°This is Captain Lawg of the¡­spacefleet gunship supreme¡­Disembowlinator. Whatever we have that may belong to you¡­I¡¯m sure we can return it and it was probably just a misunderstanding.¡± He said calmly. "Let me just turn the gigantic guns a little so we can talk." he bluffed. ¡°You have my shuttle pod, and I believe your ship says ¡°Tast-E-Chill¡± on the side. Isn¡¯t that an unarmed dairy vessel?¡± he snickered. ¡°Damn, I was hoping he didn¡¯t notice that.¡± whispered Lawg. ¡°Release our shuttle and prepare to be boarded. If my cargo is intact and the damage to my shuttle is minimal, I may allow you to live.¡± ¡°Um, there is a tiny issue with that, see the cargo is fine, but the shuttle is sort of¡­attached to the ship. I sort of used the floor plating to repair some holes and long story short¡­we can''t really take it off because we won''t have a roof. We need that to have atmosphere and life and whatnot.¡± He said looking concerned. ¡°I fail to see why that is a problem for me.¡± replied Crayta. ¡°Yea¡­that makes sense. Can you give us a few minutes to disconnect it while we seal off the section?¡± he asked. ¡°You have 3 minutes, or I open fire on your ship.¡± He said abruptly severing communications. ¡°Okay, so¡­any ideas?¡± he asked to Marley. ¡°Me? You¡¯re the Captain, aren¡¯t you supposed to know what to do?¡± Marley replied. ¡°Exactly, and as captain I am ordering my Chief Tech Advisor to tell me how we could potentially detour death.¡± ¡°Um, let me think¡­we can¡¯t actually seal the section because you removed the door to fit the shuttle nose¡­we have no weapons of any kind because this is an ice-cream truck. We can¡¯t outrun them, we have no valuable items to barter with and we have about 2 minutes to stop an armed ship from killing us. No pressure.¡± He said. Suddenly his ears perked up. ¡°That¡¯s it¡­no pressure.¡± He said darting across the room. ¡°Um, furball¡­we can¡¯t depressurize the ship, that would kill us equally as dead in about the same time as the bad guys.¡± reminded Lawg ¡°Shut up and get me a shuttle-jack, your EVA suit, and a bottle of the strongest booze you have.¡± He ordered. ¡°Fine, but only because time is an issue and we might die. The moment we aren¡¯t about to die you lose the right to give orders.¡± He said running to the hot-tub room. ¡°So¡­it¡¯s a bomb?¡± asked William. ¡°Essentially yes, if the canister doesn¡¯t hold. If it does, it¡¯s more like artillery. Liquid oxygen and Golden Gem 195 proof in a thermos with a sensor detonator.¡± ¡°No offense¡­but suicide isn¡¯t really what I had in mind.¡± he said watching him tape the canister very quickly and generously. ¡°It won¡¯t kill us¡­ideally, like in theory it won''t, if this works properly. This gravitanium pipe is tough stuff, we load the bomb in the pips, brace the valve with the jack and the shit-pipe becomes a cannon." explained Marley. ¡°What are you using as the projectile?¡± he asked. ¡°I dunno, we need something harder than dura-lite armor.¡± He shrugged. William took off and returned from the library with a small, silver device in his hand. With a sinister grin, he handed an old cell phone to him. ¡°The hell is that?¡± asked Marley ¡°It¡¯s a Nokee 5 cell phone. Early primitive communication device. It still works, but these are regarded in lore as being virtually indestructible. They survived the great Franchise conflict of world war 2.¡± ¡°Fine, give me this stupid thing.¡± He said shoving it in the pipe and following it with the armed bomb. He quickly screwed on the cap and fixed the jack in tightly. ¡°So how do we detonate it?¡± asked William. ¡°We don¡¯t, we run like hell.¡± He said dashing out of the bathroom and jumping behind the structural support. ¡°Won''t their energy shielding stop it?¡± he asked. ¡°That¡¯s the beauty of the sensor detonator. It is set to detonate when they lower shields. They can¡¯t fire at us until they shut the shielding off. So all we have to do is line up the ship and haul-ass. When they get mad and lower shields to fire¡­poof, we put one in their intake manifold. The whole ship loses power.¡± Marley grinned. ¡°No we don¡¯t!¡± hollered Uka from the communicator. ¡°When did I turn the coms back on?¡± asked William. ¡°You never turned them off you dipshit! I can hear everything. You are not setting off an explosive in the shit-pipe while I am firmly pressed against the Spleefter valve!¡± she hollered. ¡°It is open¡­right?¡± asked Marley. ¡°Yes.¡± She barked. ¡°Then it should pass right through, unless there is heavy damage to the pipe anywhere.¡± He shrugged, looking at William for a comforting confirmation.¡± ¡°There is green tape on this pipe.¡± She mentioned. ¡°Oh no, that was just to keep it from vibrating and making noise.¡± Lawg said shutting off the com. ¡°She is probably gonna die.¡± He said discreetly to Marley. ¡°Bummer¡­so yea we need to make sure the pipe is lined up with the manifold.¡± He said heading to the cockpit with the Captain. He pressed a few buttons and looked confident. ¡°Now what?¡± asked William. ¡°We wait. I put it in autopilot and target locked the gyro to the left wing. That should line it up. Now we just gotta wait till they set it off. ¡°So what do you think? This gonna work?¡± he asked. ¡°I mean¡­the bomb will work, I would guarantee that part. The pipe holding is just a coin toss and weather or not a cell-phone shit-gun will be enough to penetrate the intake grill is another flip. It¡¯s more likely that we just blow a hole in the gravity plating and get sucked into space with a few days worth of frozen poop, suffocating in our own excrement as Crewton laughs hysterically. That is probably a thing that could happen also.¡± He said. "OR¡­or¡­any number of other scenarios. Chafee luck, remember?" ¡°Damn¡­I really should have banged Uka when I had the chance.¡± said an oddly calm William. ¡°Yea no offense but why aren¡¯t you already doing that? I mean I don¡¯t know how attractive she is to humanoids, given my obvious biological differences, but you are kind of a horny douche-bag and even more so than most humanoids. You¡¯re stuck on a ship together and the options are pretty slim.¡± Marley said bracing. ¡°I mean she is smoking hot, but I don¡¯t do relationships. If I bang her, then I can¡¯t leave when she falls asleep¡­it¡¯s my ship. And I can¡¯t just kick her out either, we¡¯re in the middle of nowhere and there are no habitable planets with modern technology to leave her on. Wouldn¡¯t be right to ditch her somewhere that didn¡¯t have stable motels or restaurants. We have no money to leave her for a space-taxi or anything. So normally yea, and now that we might die it¡¯s an opportunity missed but I wouldn¡¯t want that kind of tension around here and I¡¯m not a monster who could just blow her out an airlock.¡± ¡°That, and she might sabotage the hot-tub.¡± said Marley. ¡°Oh damn, that would be bad. Do you know how hard it is to find a hot-tub in restorable condition floating in space?¡± he asked. ¡°Just thought I¡¯d let you boys know¡­you still didn¡¯t turn off the coms¡­so thanks for the concern, I¡¯ll be fine here straddling a faulty Spleefter valve as the ship implodes.¡± She said. "If the bomb blows the haul, at least I get to watch you both asphyxiate until my air runs out." ¡°How exactly do you shut off the coms?¡± Lawg asked curiously just before the ship shuttered with an explosion and everyone went silent, waiting for the hiss of leaking hull panels or the sound of¡­like, death or whatever. Lawg waited for a good minute before realizing the ship didn¡¯t explode. ¡°Uka¡­you dead?¡± asked William. ¡°No you asshole, I¡¯m fine!¡± she barked over the static. They checked the panels. ¡°Minor damage to the rear exhaust port, electrical fuses lost over the lower deck but nothing critical.¡± reported Marley. ¡°NNNNNOOOOO00000000OOOOOOOooooooooooo!!!!!!¡± bellowed the Captain as he dropped to his knees and let the communicator fall slowly from his hand and roll away as he froze in a pose of despair and defeat. ¡°What? Did the shit-cannon miss? Are we going to die?¡± asked Marley. ¡°The hot-tub¡­it¡¯s broken and covered in shit. It¡¯s all gone.¡± He said almost weeping. ¡°I forgot to close the drain valve before we set the bomb off.¡± he said slumping to a seated ball of pain and loss. ¡°Who cares? I mean yea it¡¯s a bummer but we are alive, look, the phone went clear through the intake system, they¡¯re drifting, we won. We live and celebrate and cheer falalala.¡± said Marley ¡°It doesn¡¯t matter¡­I¡¯m nothing without my hot-tub. I¡¯m just a washed-up middle-aged loser with no hoes and no hut-tub to lure in hoes. No hot-tub to party with them. That hot tub was my greatest weapon in the fight against poon-deprivation sickness. Now I have nothing and it¡¯s covered with shit¡­some of it my own shit.¡± He wept aloud. ¡°First of all, I''m positive that is not a real disease, secondly we can probably fix the tub, thirdly¡­most of the solids are Uka¡¯s cuz you sustain almost entirely off boozy liquids, and lastly¡­have you actually scored a single time directly as a result of the hot-tub or is that just theoretical? Because I fail to see why a plastic bowl of hot circulating chemical-water would make much difference.¡± He pointed out. ¡°You can¡¯t fix it¡­they don¡¯t make the parts anymore and asbestos fiberglass is banned in 34 sectors. I¡¯ll never find another one, the odds are impossible.¡± ¡°Cant you just make one? Spray the bed of that crate you have in the garage in flex foam, that crap can make a screen door boat! Surely if it can keep water out, it can keep water in. How difficult is it to make a circulator pump and seal a big metal box. You are way over thinking this Lawg." he suggested. ¡°No, it¡¯s not the same. Sure I could build another one but it won¡¯t have the history, the nostalgia of Earth history soaked into every inch of the asbestos resin. It won¡¯t have the worn spots where dozens of fine alien asses have been, so many memories and so much chill has been imbedded into that plastic over time, and now it¡¯s soaking in a solution of vodka-shit and the love is all gone. It won¡¯t ever be the same now, even if I fixed it, I would know what it has been through. I would know. I WOULD KNOW!¡± He said dragging his feet and shuffling to his room. ¡°Um¡­so who is gonna clean this mess?¡± he asked. Uka came stomping out of the maintenance room, looking exhausted from her crawl through the panels to get back in the ship. She grabbed a lever on the wall and yanked it. The door creaked shut and the airlock vented, blowing out the tub parts and the unmentionable desecration. ¡°Oh right¡­the airlock thing. Did it get all the shit?¡± asked Marley. She tossed her helmet down and glared angrily. ¡°No, I think I missed the biggest chunk; it walked to its room before I could shut the door." she said, trudging away. ¡°Hey¡­weren¡¯t you in the de-pressurized crawlspace just now¡­how did you get up through the hatch without decompressing the entire ship?¡± he asked. ¡°Don¡¯t worry about it. The universe provides, remember?¡± she sarcastically growled, heading to the shower. ¡°Oh, you may wanna take a sponge with you. We didn¡¯t have time to shut off the drain valve to the showers either, so it¡¯s probably in a bad way as well.¡± He informed, meriting a high pitch scream of rage and frustration that permeated the halls. ¡°I mean¡­I thought it was a descent day. The ship survived.¡± He muttered to himself. ¡°Oh hey¡­I bet the toilet flushes now" he said rushing to the toilet and flushing it. "Neat.¡± He grinned. Episode 3: Delta Station ¡°Awe man, you were right¡­this hot-tub is amazing. Totally worth the work.¡± said a very relaxed space-bunny, melting into the jets, like butter. ¡°I told you, it¡¯s an essential part of the William Lawg Experience.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know about that deal but it¡¯s absolutely great at removing stress in your upper-back. You do know there is no way I¡¯m sleeping with you, right?¡± asked Marley. ¡°Dude¡­not even cool. This is just a bro-soak, why do you think I enforced the trunks-on policy.¡± He said looking offended. ¡°Just clarifying. I mean you do kinda owe me free use of it since I did find the damn thing for you after you ruined the other one.¡± He said stretching his arms. ¡°Yea what are the odds of finding another hot tub in mint condition like 4 days after the other one got destroyed. Chafee¡¯s are naturally lucky, but still¡­what are the odds?¡± Lawg yawned, sipping his cola. ¡°Apparently 1¡­because we found it. Odds don¡¯t really mean anything after the fact because it¡¯s already absolute. There is zero in zero chance we wouldn¡¯t find it now, because it¡¯s already here. Whatever the odds were, it was that number over itself and anything over itself is 1.¡± Marley yawned back. ¡°Heavy¡­real heavy. Maybe too heavy for a christening soak in a new tub, but suit yourself. Just wait¡­with the new tub and a larger capacity¡­there is gonna be a line of babes just waiting to party with the Lawgmeister.¡± He smiled. ¡°That¡¯s a brand of liquor, you can''t claim that name without owing money to someone.¡± he noted. ¡°No that¡¯s Jagger Meister, An alcoholic energy drink invented by the singer of a rock band in the late 1950¡¯s, Jefferson Airsmith.¡± ¡°How do you know all this Earth history?¡± he asked. "Public archives are so empty when you look up Earth." ¡°I read a lot¡­mostly just labels and old facetube videos. The audio has degraded but you can piece it together if you have some detective skills and a lot of free time. ¡°If the Earth exploded¡­wouldn¡¯t the videos be destroyed?¡± he asked. ¡® ¡°Naw, man¡­the internet is data. Data can¡¯t be created or destroyed, that¡¯s basic science, Stephan Hawkeye invented that. I think Jeb Gore invented the internet before he became Vice-President of Earth. Anyway it¡¯s out there¡­you just gotta find a good signal. Some of the old Starbase Coffee houses still have active Wifi that hasn¡¯t fully drained out yet. Gotta get it while it''s there, I don¡¯t know where else find Wifi outside the debris field where the earth used to be. I don¡¯t even know what Wifi is or how to collect it. I just flew through the dust cloud one time and my GPS got a signal and opened it. Turns out the Password is ¡°Password¡±, same as my old safe Password back before I sold the roof of the SS Tast-E-Chill for fuel money... or something else¡­food maybe. ¡°That reminds me¡­we really should replace that panel some day.¡± said Marley. ¡°Why? We added enough tape to the canvas last time that it stopped leaking entirely. The second tarp seemed to insulate it so it doesn¡¯t get cold anymore.¡± He said tossing Marley a can of Mountain mist. ¡°Yea, technically the trapped air between the tarps and the umbrella is insulating it, but that¡¯s not a permanent solution. Maybe when we dock at the next spaceport or stop at a Quiky-Proton we can see if they have a panel kit.¡± Marley pushed. ¡°Sure¡­if we have time.¡± he said looking around. ¡°That reminds me¡­¡± Marley noted. ¡°What exactly does this ship run off of?¡± he asked. ¡°I¡¯m not sure¡­ I usually just fill it with omnifuel. Seems to work fine.¡± ¡°When in doubt¡­omnifuel.¡± toasted Marley. ¡°Regular or unleaded?¡± ¡°Regular only¡­if you put unleaded in this thing it just chugs and knocks. You¡¯d think they would have solved that problem by now but you know how R and D is in this quadrant.¡± He shrugged. ¡°Lazy omnifuel scientists. Big omnifuel just uses that to charge more when the ¡°unleaded plants¡± catch fire. Marketing monopoly. Only reason they charge 500 credits a gallon¡± he said scratching his floppy ears. ¡°No joke.¡± He said raising a glass. ¡°That¡¯s why I unscrewed the Fragulation regulator. It''s just there to reduce efficiency.¡± He scoffed. ¡°I mean yea, it reduced efficiency but doesn¡¯t it also prevent Thelma radiation in the exhaust emittions?¡± asked Marley. ¡°I dunno. I just know I¡¯m not dying stranded in space over a little bit of Thelma radiation. They say it causes the universe to get warmer but let¡¯s be honest¡­it''s pretty cold right now so it could use a little universal warming.¡± preached Lawg. ¡°It¡¯s a myth anyway.¡± yawned Marley ¡°You only live once¡­even if it is forever.¡± He toasted. ¡°I¡­don¡¯t know what that means or if I agree to that but this hot tub must makes me not care about anything but re-fills and hot-tub.¡± He said slouching further down. ¡°Just keep your furry feet on your side, it¡¯s a big tub but I have my rules.¡± He said as Uka crossed her arms and stood behind him. ¡°Has his Majesty sufficiently pruned himself, or should I come back later with those scans I spent all night doing?¡± she asked. ¡°I told you I¡¯d do them eventually. We don¡¯t have to have them until we reach Delta Station." he said adding more rum to his soda. ¡°We have been orbiting Delta Station for 45 minutes.¡± She informed. ¡°I know¡­we didn¡¯t have the papers done so I couldn¡¯t land.¡± He yawned. ¡°We do need to re-supply at some point and if we run out of fuel, the fact that we are literally a kilometer from a gas station doesn¡¯t actually help us if we don¡¯t ever dock. We are hauling illegal cargo, so paperwork would be good to have if they ask¡­hence why I spent all night doing them¡­so we can dock and get fuel.¡± She explained. ¡°So what¡¯s the problem? We got credits and papers and we¡¯re at Delta Station, I fail to see the issue. The problem resolved itself.¡± Lawg shrugged. ¡°No the problem was resolved by me, because I would like to dock so we can fix the huge hole in the roof and maybe just stretch our legs a bit. I¡¯m cooped up in there with you two dorks and I would like to see something other then the inside of this ship for a day or two.¡± She said storming off to the cockpit. Lawg scoffed. ¡°Women¡­I don¡¯t know why she is so upset all the time. Must be the rabies and the testosterone women produce.¡± Yawned William ¡°Yea totally¡­I mean it¡¯s actually estrogen, and rabies is a myth. Also, you did kinda stick her with 4 pages of transport pages to fake but yea¡­I get the idea. Women are weird.¡± He said letting the point drift lethargically over William¡¯s inch-thick skull. ¡°Well, she doesn¡¯t do much on this ship. You do all the tech stuff and I do the Captaining, like providing leadership and mixed drinks, all she does is a little cleaning and some falsifying documents, sometimes cooking and that time with the toilet clog but mostly just slouching around being mad. Why can''t she be like me, slouching around and being happy? Maybe she needs to get laid. Hopefully there is a guy on Delta Station who meets her standards. Do they even have boy-whores? Obviously he needs to be slightly less good looking than me or she might not come back but, I dunno, there has to be a few 9¡¯s down there with a hearing deficiency or shallow motivations.¡± ¡°What did she do before you accidentally abducted her?¡± asked Marley, stepping out and drying off. ¡°I don¡¯t know¡­never asked. Bartender maybe¡­or was that someone else? No I think bartender. I remember her serving me the worst drinks. Probably why she doesn¡¯t do it on the ship. That place was a dump; I may have done her a favor.¡± He shrugged off, grabbing a towel with the word CAPTAIN written on with marker. ¡°So where did you take her from, was it recently?¡± he asked. ¡°Right before I met you actually. Good fortune because I just lost my other crew and had to get away quick. My last onboard lady left me for a guy who owned a pawn shop, so I was a crew-woman short that day. I don¡¯t remember what planet that was, I was pretty sober.¡± He smirked. ¡°You don¡¯t even know what planet your girlfriend was from? Do you even know what species Uka is?¡± he asked. ¡°Of course I know where my EX-girlfriend was from, Bahooka 3, I just don¡¯t remember the planet I left her on after she left me for a store owner and robbed me blind. And Uka¡­she is one of those people from that one planet¡­maybe a slave girl, I don¡¯t know. Point is: mistakes were made and people got cheated and some of it was my fault and some of it was not and now she is here and it worked out somehow. Everything works out if you-¡± ¡°Go with the flow and let the universe provide, I know¡­do you know what the stardate is today, can you even tell me that?¡± he asked. ¡°Who cares, we live in space! There is no day and night, the lights work regardless of the time and we have nowhere to be on any specific day. Days and time is all just stuff we made up to have boundaries to conform to, keep the man down and working between the lines.¡± Lawg said squinting paranoidishly. ¡°Pretty sure it was invented by how planets move. Also helps to regulate sleep and monitor crops and keep from starving in winter and stuff but yea, sure, mostly to keep the man under the line and stuff. Here is a weird thought¡­maybe Uka is always pissed because you abducted her and still have no idea what species she is¡­let alone her last name or how her day was. I mean you talk to her a lot about trivia and historical things, and what needs fixed on the ship and all but do you ever just talk WITH her?¡± he asked. ¡°No¡­like just have a conversation? Why would I do that?¡± he asked. ¡°You talk to me, we¡¯re talking right now¡­why is that so different?¡± ¡°That¡¯s a good point. I guess I assumed she wouldn¡¯t want to hang out like one of the guys and after I decided sleeping with her is off the table I didn¡¯t have a reason to try.¡± He shrugged. ¡°You mean after you blew your chance with the whole poop-cannon incident?¡± he added. ¡°No, like when I realized I couldn¡¯t sneak out and fly away after the sex because we¡¯re already on my ship. I made that mistake once.¡± He said shaking his head. ¡°How did that go?¡± he asked as they got into the teleporter. ¡°She got clingy, tried to chain me down like an animal and the Lawg-man needs to fly unfettered and free like a majestic pterodactyl. I''m too free to sit still, I gotta float with the current.¡± He said dramatically squinting upward. ¡°Yep, nothing floats like a Lawg.¡± He yawned. ¡°Plus my ex drugged me, ran off with a 2 headed, 4 armed alien and tricked me into pawning my roof, so that didn¡¯t set well with me. You gotta draw the line, Marley¡­man needs hoes and crew but when they overlap¡­things get complicated.¡± ¡°Yea it¡¯s probably better of you stuck to fuel-station space-hookers and refused to connect emotionally to anyone, the single and smart one who stays for some reason, and is apparently very attractive is best kept just as a janitor and crew grunt. Good solid game-plan.¡± Marley said looking around. ¡°Thanks¡­but I didn¡¯t get this wise overnight, it took mistakes and time, I nearly lost a toe and the nightmares come a knocking now and then. Don¡¯t worry little buddy, you¡¯ll learn life experience. I know your only 15 but you¡¯re already book-smart and some of my street-smarts will wear off on you. Some day you might be a better Captain than I am.¡± he beamed proudly. ¡°One can only hope, sir¡­why are we not teleporting, we¡¯ve been standing here like 2 minutes.¡± He noted. ¡°These old ships take a while to recharge after someone transports. You¡¯d be amazed how power-heavy these things are but they take less space than a shuttle pod.¡± ¡°Not when you factor the batteries and the extra fuel consumption tank.¡± He muttered ¡°What?¡± ¡°Nothing.¡± He said dryly as they began to sparkle and disappeared. Captain Lawg walked briskly, hoping to outrun the chatty little buddy that was talking nonstop since they reformed. ¡°You realize that a teleporter is just a clone/murder machine that works on the assumption that everything will come out correctly. You get ground up into photons and essentially dead, and it just prints another you somewhere else from the light-pulp.¡± he finished, looking up at William as they dodged the people passing by. ¡°Naw, it¡¯s not that complicated. I come out exactly the same every time and I¡¯ve used it hundreds of times.¡± He assured "No side effects." ¡°Yea but they¡¯ve only been functionally used on the pubic for what¡­30 years? It doesn¡¯t take much of a glitch to print you out inside-out and then you explode, or missing an ear and that¡¯s it¡­everything that is you is now missing an ear forever, cant sew it back, it''s just light now. It just seems super risky and philosophically disturbing. And the amount of raw data¡­geese.¡± Marley huffed.The tale has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation. ¡°So what? Elevators and shuttles can malfunction and kill you too. You can¡¯t worry about the details all the time. You get in, and you go somewhere, simple at that. You worry too much.¡± muttered Lawg. ¡°About being shredded and re-assembled a hundred times, yea I do. We should get a shuttle pod, or at least figure out a way of landing the Tast-E-Chill. The only shuttle pod we have is half the size of the ship and permanently glued on as a replacement roof.¡± ¡°It¡¯s a double-decker, twice the room for the museum. The old Freezies were never designed to land, you build them in space and they go back and forth exclusively to space stations that have zero-G docks. And when they break down you let em drift. Hell, they didn¡¯t even design them to go a million miles; we¡¯re already double the lifespan of its intentions. You know the B-deck is mostly supported by cardboard.¡± He noted. ¡°Cardboard?!¡± asked Marley ¡°Yea, they found a way of making it stiffer and started making skateboards and surfboards. Some company started making cardboard guitars that played great for like 3 weeks, which was fine for the bands that kept smashing them on stage anyway, most bands were tone deaf by 2018. One day they decided it was light and cheap enough to make spaceships out of. The first prototypes didn¡¯t go so well, the ice-cream would sweat and the cardboard would get damp and just, POP, the ship would fly apart. So, they stopped making the structural parts and the hull out of it, but some of our ship has the original cardboard interior bits.¡± he grinned. ¡°Why do I keep flying with you¡± he asked. ¡°Well, the history for one, you share my love for the old and classic Earth memorabilia, and the perks of having the luckiest species in existence Captaining the ship.¡± He bragged. ¡°Yea you do have insane luck. Remember last week when those freighters at the fuel station thought we were one of the new garbage haulers and they filled the cargo bay with garbage? We made a killing on the tritium scrap value alone, plus that exact lightbulb you lost for the turn signal¡­good times.¡± Marley nodded. ¡°Uka kept trying to tell me it was the actual same light and I just forgot it in the cargo bay. It¡¯s like she doesn¡¯t believe in good things.¡± He said veering off path and spotting a very flashy neon bar sign. ¡°Alright little buddy, this is my stop.¡± He said wandering off. Get the list supplies and meet me here in an hour. "I thought we were both picking up essentials?" "We are, just from different stores, leave me to what I gather best." he beamed, veering into the bar. "Booze¡­how unpredictable." Marley muttered. "And get something called milk!" ¡°Awe, he¡¯s so adorable.¡± Swooned one of the 4 various colored bimbos huddled around Captain Lawg as he held up a picture of Marley that he cut from his drivers license without him knowing. ¡°Yea, poor thing was starving, abandoned and alone. Only fifteen years old, no family. Of course I had to help him. He is like a furry little son to me now.¡± he said letting out a deep sigh. ¡°It¡¯s too bad you can only stay a few days, I''d love to meet him.¡± said the blonde. ¡°Well, we have lots of work to do but I could make time for some of you to meet him, he works so hard¡­we both do, we can take a few hours off and really get to try out the new hot-tub.¡± He grinned. ¡°What¡¯s a hut tub?¡± asked the violet-head. ¡°Like a regular tub but with heat. It¡¯s part of my ancestral heritage. It was tradition to have a small recreational pool with various relaxation jets and mood lighting to help ease the aching bones of hard laboring men and their companions. This one is nearly 200 years old and may have been used by the President of Earth at one time. It normally seats about 4, but you ladies are petite enough to cram, 8, maybe 9 if you don¡¯t mind stacking.¡± He said. Two of them rolled their eyes ad left, another joined in. ¡°So, I could give you the tour if you have the time.¡± he insisted. ¡°I can¡¯t, I have to catch the bus to Beta Station in the morning.¡± ¡°It¡¯s fine, we happen to be heading that way already, so I can give you a lift there if you need to crash.¡± He insisted. ¡°You¡¯re too sweet.¡± She swooned ¡°Yea, I kinda am a little bit.¡± He beamed. Captain Lawg spotted Uka and diverted long enough to throw his arm over her shoulder. She looked shocked and confused. ¡°There you are, can you please proceed to the ship and get it ready for takeoff, no hurry, our precious cargo isn¡¯t going anywhere in the next hour.¡± he winked, handing her the keys as she watched him make a small scene with his groupies hooting and hollering. She looked at the keys and shrugged, heading to the transport pad and transporting to the ship. She checked the docking number and gave a slight sinister grin. Uka sat in the cockpit, slowly looking things over and making educated guesses as to what levers to pull. She spent a good 20 minutes making adjustments and turning things on and back off again. She jumped slightly at the sound of someone opening the side hatch. The sound was unmistakably that of Captain Lawg and Marley with the addition of the giggling fem-squad. ¡°Hey, Uka. Come join us, we¡¯re having fun.¡± He hollered at her ¡°No thanks, I need to check the cargo.¡± ¡°No, no, no, it¡¯s cool. Get in the tub, we can scotch, and make room, it¡¯s not weird because there are plenty of floosies between us guys, so cramming isn¡¯t a problem anymore.¡± He slurred a bit. ¡°How many of these things have you had?¡± she asked, kicking a soda can. ¡°I haven¡¯t¡­I maybe like 2 but most of these are everybody¡¯s else¡¯s cans. Two tops, and like the remainder of this one¡­which I guess is just full of tub-water.¡± He said taking a sip and spitting it over the edge. ¡°Yep, so like 3. also some drinks at the bar and a few burgers, fries, a shake. Maybe overdid it a lil bit. You want one?¡± he asked opening a can. ¡°No thanks, I am cutting back. I did notice a tail-light out, so should I go fix that? I think there are fresh lights in the cargo bay.¡± She said. ¡°You know we don¡¯t have any lights left, they¡¯re all stuck in the chandelier. That thing won''t work unless it has all 5 lights in it. Very bad design. Jump in for a bit, we¡¯re not in a hurry. Crack open a hot tub, and find a spot in the soda.¡± He cheered. ¡°Sir, I have important duties and I don¡¯t feel comfortable in a tub full of hookers.¡± She said politely. ¡°Mkay, don¡¯t be mean, they¡¯re not hookers.¡± He corrected. A faint ¡°I am¡± muttered from the group. ¡°Okay this one is apparently a hooker, I was not aware of that but the others are respectable dancers and waitresseiceces and things of that nature. We¡¯re having fun. Why don¡¯t you ever do fun with us, you don¡¯t have to always have to work all the time.¡± ¡°Sir, I take my work very seriously and I will join you in a bit, just as soon as I check the cargo, can I please have the security code for the cargo hold?¡± she asked. ¡°I got this, somebody take my hooker.¡± He said pushing her aside to get out, falling on his face and laughing, causing a cascade of laughter. He dried off and fell again just before reaching Uka, straightening his stance and getting serious. ¡°Hey¡­ come on, we can sort this out when we get moving, just hang out with us for an hour. It¡¯ll be fun.¡± ¡°Sir, I feel very ill, I just need to make sure the cargo is safe, please just let me settle my mind and rest a minute and I promise I will lighten up. I just need the codes.¡± She insisted, looking frustrated and nervous. ¡°You must be feeling sick, you know nothing on this ship has a working security lock.¡± He joked, cracking open another soda. ¡°Maybe you should just have a few more drinks for me and I¡¯ll join you later.¡± She said with a pleasant smile. ¡°Then we can all get drunk and party.¡± She said skipping off. He scratched his head and returned to the SS floosie-tub. Something felt odd. ¡°Hey, did Uka seem really odd to you or am I just missing something?¡± asked Marley. ¡°Maybe she is just stressed out. She must be overworked, she wanted security codes for the cargo bay.¡± He said brushing it off. ¡°Um, we don¡¯t have a security lock¡­we don¡¯t even have a door handle. You didn¡¯t find it pretty weird that she said she would get drunk with us later? Uka doesn¡¯t drink¡­and she knows your half Chaffee.¡± He pointed out. ¡°Well, maybe she just hasn¡¯t slept well.¡± He yawned, rotating his floosies around the tub for verity. ¡°I¡¯m just gonna go check on her, it¡¯s probably nothing, but if she is that out of it she doesn¡¯t need to be lifting heavy boxes alone.¡± He said hopping out of the tub as the tub-bimbos pouted. He made his way to the upper deck and noticed Uka talking on a phone. The ship shuttered slightly as it began to lift off. He stepped behind the nearest crate and spied on her. ¡°There has been a complication. Just shut up and listen to me. The cargo is coming to you, I can handle the crew, it¡¯s just a bunny and some dipshit and a few skanks he brought onboard, everyone is drunk and I finally figured out the navigation panel. Just be ready at the drop-off point with a clear cargo bay and everyone you can spare to move the goods quickly. Weapons on stun, these dips seem harmless and there is no sense killing them if we don¡¯t have to.¡± She said closing the phone. He made his way to the lockers and grabbed his trust leaf-blower. He took a deep breath and walked into the room casually. ¡°Hey Uka¡­can you tell me where the nuclear, explosive, grenades are for this thing, I only have 1 tube left.¡± He said placing it on the crate next to him. ¡°I don¡¯t know, maybe they got buried under some supplies. ¡°Well, you can¡¯t be too sure, you know. I¡¯m sure 8 grenades are enough for most situations but you can¡¯t be too prepared in space. He said watching her hide her com. ¡°Probably in the armory, I¡¯ll go with you¡­you first. ¡°What are you trying to pull Uka? You know we don¡¯t have an armory or a security door on this damn ship. You know very well that the only working weapon is this bad boy right here and you are lying to me. Should we get the captain or can we discuss this openly right here.¡± He said pointing the leaf-blower. ¡°Easy there little guy, your acting pretty strange.¡± said probably Uka. ¡°I heard the call you received, that phone isn¡¯t even ours, we use Trekphones and they are pre-paid minutes¡­who are you working for and what have you done with Uka?¡± ¡°Fine¡­you got me, but if you heard my call then you know I have a ship and a crew bigger then yours and armed to the teeth. I can cut you in if you want, ten percent.¡± ¡°Ten percent of what¡­the cargo? Given that we split everything 3 ways that doesn¡¯t sound very good for me even if I was about to turn on my crew. Now where is Uka? I may have some trouble with a crew of armed men but one unarmed woman doesn¡¯t pose much threat as long as I got Alice here with her safety off.¡± he bluffed. ¡°Okay big guy¡­what do you want¡­half?¡± she asked. ¡°You got 5 seconds to start with the details and they better be real, starting with where Uka is.¡± He said clicking on the killswitch and making crazy eyes. ¡°Okay, okay. I don¡¯t know who Uka is or where she is but I assume back on the station wondering where you both went. I was minding my business and Captain Morgan downstairs ran into me. He called me Uka and handed me the keys. It seemed like an easy job! I steal things, a ship full of valuable cargo was too good to pass up but your idiot captain had to come back early and now I have to improvise. I haven¡¯t hurt anyone and I don¡¯t wan''t to. So how about you just sit back and wait. We relieve you of your cargo and part ways, nobody dies.¡± She said as footsteps approaches sluggishly. Captain Lawg rubbed his head, swigging down a bottle of something blue and looking slightly better then before. ¡°The hell is going on up here? Turn around, we got floosies to return before we get a late fee or something.¡± he said looking at Marley with a confused smirk. ¡°Why are you wielding that air-blower like a weapon?¡± he chuckled. Marley sighed and hung his head as Not-Uka drew a small pistol from her jacket and pointed at them. ¡°Good job there Tex.¡± Marley said dryly. ¡°Ugh, Uka¡­where did you get a gun and why are you pointing at us?¡± he asked. ¡°My god you are thick.¡± She chucked. He looked down and pinched his belly slightly, feeling like maybe he should start working out again. ¡°Not fat you idiot¡­just stupid! I¡¯m not Uka, I am however¡­robbing you of your precious cargo.¡± She said sitting down and checking her com locator. ¡°So¡­you work for Beverly I take it?¡± asked Captain Lawg. ¡°No, I work for me. Open one of those crates, I wanna see what kind of payoff I just scored 40 percent of.¡± She ordered. ¡°So you have no idea who Beverly is¡­and you have no idea what these crates are full of?¡± asked Marley. There was a moment of silence ad both of them busted out laughing. ¡°What is so funny?¡± she asked. ¡°Open a crate, go ahead.¡± laughed the space-bunny and his human counterpart, both nearing the point of collapse. She pried open one of them and looked shocked, pulling out a small stuffed animal of some kind.¡± ¡°What¡¯s in them? Drugs? Security codes, fidget spinners?¡± she asked. ¡°Beans mostly, and some cotton. Those are Bean-pals, something that was a big deal on earth centuries ago. They¡¯re just collectibles and nobody wants them except Beverly.¡± wheezed Lawg, still laughing. She never saw a Lawg roll before. ¡°What do you mean? These are just dolls, worthless collectible stuffed alien dolls?!¡± she barked angrily, tearing one open to find nothing important. ¡°Why would you be hauling thousands of these, and falsifying documents?!?¡± ¡°They¡¯re illegal as hell.¡± chuckled Marley, getting back up and holding back his laughter. ¡°Some archaic superstition from a hundred years ago. The Furbians are terrified of them for some reason, but Beverly has a collection of worthless contraband items and we made a deal when we found this shipment.¡± He said wiping his tears. ¡°Then, I¡¯ll just take them and sell them to Beverly myself for the profit. What was the price?¡± she asked. ¡°Six crates of guarana soda, 2 gallons of styling gel, a few cases of canned veggies and the big item: a mint condition, fully functional Float-board.¡± said Lawg. ¡°That¡¯s it? A bunch of junk and a floating board?¡± she asked. ¡°Actually¡­it doesn¡¯t float, the name is horribly deceptive but they are fun to ride around when you don¡¯t wanna walk.¡± He assured. ¡°And I do a lot of business with Beverly so, he won¡¯t be thrilled if you kill us or stole our cargo. He was pretty excited that we had a Tipsy the Tiger still in the plastic.¡± He smirked. ¡°No, that¡¯s a lie¡­these have a secret you are not telling me.¡± she said pointing the gun harder. Marley tossed her a communicator. ¡°Call him yourself, we¡¯re gonna be running late now so he would love a good explanation.¡± He grinned. They both stood silently waiting. ¡°UUUUAAGH, FINE! Then I guess I¡¯ll have to take my commission off your ship. What does this shit-heap have of value?¡± she asked. Lawg grinned. ¡°Absolutely nothing we can spare and still get to Beverly''s Base. Frankly it''s a miracle this thing even runs with it missing a third of its vital systems. Feel free to check yourself but if we don¡¯t get to Beverly base in 2 days, you made a powerful enemy.¡± said Captain Lawg. ¡°Chessmate, no overtime.¡± He added, placing a pipe in his mouth and looking triumphant as a few bubbles gently wafted from it. The real Uka looked livid as the two boys sat in the den, both depressed and embarrassed. Neither of them had anything on but a towel. ¡°I can¡¯t believe you two jackasses got your clothes stolen¡­you abducted another person that looked like me, left me on Delta Base with no idea where you were, and then you got robbed?¡± you¡¯re like children, I can''t leave you unsupervised for one day without you getting us killed or stranded or mugged.¡± she complained. ¡°I mean, she did look exactly like you.¡± protested Captain Lawg. ¡°Seriously? Neither of you can tell my kind apart enough to not just hand the keys to the ship to a stranger¡­how sober were you?¡± she asked Lawg. ¡°Pretty sober.¡± He admitted with a hint of shame. ¡°Bout 8 or 9 sodas, a burger, milkshake earlier that day.¡± ¡°And not a drop of alcohol in that time, hu?¡± she scolded like an angry mom. ¡°I was having fun.¡± He said pouting. "I had hoes." ¡°Unbelievable. Is the cargo still there?¡± she asked. ¡°Oh yea it''s fine, we bluffed out of that. We told her Beverly was a pretty menacing person. The rest was true so it was convincing and easy to get our story straight. It¡¯s all there.¡± muttered Marley. ¡°So she left the cargo¡­at least you didn¡¯t botch the getaway even if you did sort of create this whole problem to begin with. I guess we didn¡¯t lose anything important, we can get you some new clothes.¡± She smirked. Lawg looked mortified. ¡°Nothing of value?! How can you say that? We lost the most valuable irreplaceable item on this ship and we can¡¯t ever get it back now.¡± ¡°Seriously, what is it with you and that damn hot-tub? Why would anyone want a used people-boiler full of chemical water, in space? If the power goes out, that¡¯s a 5 foot ball of conductive liquid floating around on a ship with cardboard beams and exposed wires.¡± she barked. ¡°You wouldn¡¯t understand.¡± Lawg said burying his face in his hands and almost turning grey with despair. ¡°Don¡¯t worry Captain¡­the universe will provide¡­remember?¡± she grinned sarcastically. She trotted off feeling like she had accomplished something, even if they lost a little in return. She made her point perfectly clear. Episode 4: The Duffy Uka shook her head in disbelief. ¡°I can¡¯t believe the universe provided.¡± She sighed as a nearly giddy Captain Lawg hastily steered his way through the debris field towards a stray floating chunk of fiberglass and tubing. ¡°I¡¯ve never been so happy! It¡¯s a D600! Oscilating turbo-jets, quick-change filtering unit. This puppy has a fading illuminating system and sea-foam green topcoat. Look at her, not even a chip. A little polishing compound and a fuse or two and she¡¯ll purr like a chicken.¡± Lawg barked ¡°Kitten, you dip-Lawg. Chicken is a food animal. Kittens purr.¡± corrected Uka. ¡°And how would you know?¡± ¡°Even I know that much, we had chicken a week ago at spaceport 7-11. It was good but it tasted just like mandorian owl, and caloric sand snakes. Basically it just tasted like everything. I was disappointed.¡± She sighed. Lawg just dismissed it. He had a prize. ¡°Well prepare your asses for pant-shitting excitement. We just scored ourselves the best find of the decade.¡± He said gently backing up to the tub so Marley could snag it and pull it into the cargo bay. Uka threw her hands up. ¡°You said that about the case of sparklers we found 3 days ago. You set the hull on fire. I didn¡¯t know aluminum hulls could burn. Please don¡¯t set the hot-tub on fire.¡± She begged. ¡°Oh no I learned my lessons. Sparklers in an oxygen-rich enclosed atmosphere is bad, from now on I stick exclusively to Jupiter screamers and boom-crackers, and they will NOT be set off anywhere near the new tub. Cargo bay only.¡± ¡°It didn¡¯t help that you decided to set them off on the wooden front porch. Only you would have a wooden structure in a spaceship.¡± Marley noted. ¡°I rubbed it down with duracoat so it wouldn¡¯t get dry and splintery.¡± ¡°Duracoat is flammable!! You nearly killed us all with the fumes. There is a reason aerosols are banned on starships.¡± he reminded. ¡°We need another crewman.¡± sighed Uka. ¡°Why?¡± asked Lawg. ¡°I can¡¯t sleep, there is too much to do for 2 people and frankly some of the things are just beyond the skills of a space-bunny and reluctant stowaway.¡± ¡°Yes, but we don¡¯t have any way of paying. Professional crewmen are expensive, we can¡¯t keep an android working even if they weren¡¯t so expensive.¡± He shrugged. ¡°Maybe we can hire another woman.¡± she suggested. ¡°Good point, I¡¯ll make some fliers.¡± Marley said darting up and running to the kitchen for some paper. The boys sat elbows down on a plastic tabletop watching most of the people on the space-station pass them by. He yawned, noticing Marley was dead-asleep. ¡°Wake up furrball. If I have to sit here and be awake, so do you¡­unless you wanna help Uka with the cargo.¡± ¡°I¡¯m awake, who did we get?¡± he asked. ¡°Nobody so far.¡± He said as people walked by their table as if it wasn¡¯t there. He looked down and noticed a Resume on his hand. ¡°I must have dozed off for a second too. Looks like we have someone interested.¡± He said rubbing his eyes. ¡°Anything good?¡± Marley asked. ¡°We may have a winner.¡± He said with a smirk. ¡°Considering we have one contestant, I''d say so. I bet the sign details didn¡¯t help. Why are we advertizing that we can''t pay?¡± he asked. ¡°Eliminating moochers and freeloaders. If they will work for free and take a small cut of the profit as we go¡­then they won''t be mad when we can''t pay them regularly. time-saving and honest.¡± He said reading the paper. Marley leaned over to read. ¡°Wow, 9 years space mechanic, former captain and pilot for 18 months, experience with cooking and electrical, combat trained, holy shit why does this guy even wanna be near us?¡± he asked. ¡°She¡­Duffy LaCroix.¡± He grinned. ¡°You don¡¯t have a concern that she is a bit too perfect? Former captain, now willing to serve as cook and mechanic for a crew like us?¡± asked suspicious Marley. ¡°Who cares? Female, cook, desperate. Maybe she got demoted for being too slutty or not following dress code. Maybe she didn¡¯t wear clothes." he smirked. ¡°On her own ship? How do you get demoted on your own ship? I bet she couldn¡¯t keep a crew and had to sell her ship, or maybe she gambled her ship away or something really dumb like pawning the roof.¡± He muttered. ¡°Didn¡¯t hear you, I was picturing our new mechanic. I hope she has her bathing suit, the new hot-tub could use the estrogen.¡± ¡°Hey, you got it right this time, estrogen¡­good for you.¡± he yawned. A short chubby woman approached the table with a sandwich and very large eyes. A Grinning Lawg waved her away as he drooled over the resume. ¡°I¡¯m sorry, the auditions are closed, and we found our cook/mechanic." ¡°Alright, happy to join the crew!¡± she said saluting very cartoonishly. ¡°Um, I¡¯m sorry you misheard me¡­we have someone in mind so we are no longer looking at applications.¡± He repeated. ¡°Yep, so we gonna take off now or is there a shift time?¡± ¡°You are persistent, and I admire that, but you can¡¯t top this application, so there is no interview and no negotiation. We have our decision.¡± ¡°That¡¯s nice, so clearly you don¡¯t get the deal either. Duffy LaCroix.¡± She said holding out her hand. ¡°How did you know her name?¡­you better not be trying to tell me she joined another crew.¡± He said skeptically. Marley cleared his throat. ¡°Captain Oblivious¡­that was a greeting.¡± said Marley. ¡°SHE is Duffy¡­probably just came back to see if anyone else put down an app.¡± ¡°Did they?¡± she asked. ¡°Nope.¡± Sighed Marley ¡°Then Captain Duffy LaCroix at your service.¡± She grinned. "LaCroix¡­like the-" asked Marley "No relation, it''s pronounced La-Crow¡­like THE CROW but way more French." ¡°No, no this can¡¯t be right¡­¡± said Lawg, looking for a word of description to confirm the deception. Not a thing. ¡°Sir, not to be bold or stuffy but you seem desperate and you have no money, and I am obscenely overqualified, so you don¡¯t have a lot of room to over-think it. You liked the resume didn¡¯t you? Well then¡­¡± she answered before he could speak. ¡°Then I assume you are basing your change of decision on my appearance and I assure you I will dress professionally to keep from intimidating the other female crew and distracting you from your Shipley duties.¡± She winked. ¡°Spaceport 266, right? I¡¯ll get my things.¡± She said with an awkward spin and a rather peppy rush to her shuttle. ¡°What the hell just happened?¡± asked Lawg. ¡°I don¡¯t claim to know that answer. I think we just hired her, or¡­she just hired herself to us and we¡­accepted?¡± said a confused Marley. ¡°Ugh, you see the problem? There is always a catch with these people. Perfect credentials and resume and she shows up¡­¡± he paused to think of an appropriate word. ¡°Crazy? Forcefully enthusiastic?¡± Marley filled in. ¡°Fat.¡± He said. ¡°I¡¯m sorry, did I put up the wrong flier? I thought we needed a mechanic and cook, not a stripper. She clearly knows her food, and if half of these credentials are remotely accurate, she is overqualified. I must have left the ¡°hooker wanted¡± flier in the kitchen, I¡¯ll go get it.¡± he said hopping out of his seat. ¡°I got a bad feeling about her, we need to just leave and try the next station.¡± He said grabbing his cooler and rushing to the ship. He arrived, assuming he had beaten her to the port, and as he hopped in the cockpit, he checked the com. ¡°Uka¡­you on the ship?¡± ¡°Yea.¡± ¡°How quickly can we take off?¡± ¡°I dunno. 2 minutes.¡± she yelled. ¡°If you can do it in 90 seconds or less you get a ten percent bonus on the next haul.¡± He said, hearing the sound of someone rushing to get the airlock sealed. ¡°Does that apply to me too if I can do it faster?¡± asked Duffy from the Den. Captain Lawg jumped and fell into the back seat as he tried to grasp the situation. ¡°You!¡± he pointed. ¡°ME!¡± she said with a little hop and a stance that said ¡°tadaaaa¡± without needing words. ¡°How did you get here so quick? I thought you had things to bring from your ship?¡± he asked. ¡°No, I had things to bring ON my ship. It¡¯s in the shuttle bay, sorry bout the scuff on the door, kinda cramped in there.¡± she said hopping in the passenger seat. ¡°No no no¡­nobody sits in the Fusion without permission and only if I am too busy to fly this ship myself." he protested. ¡°So can I fly it, Mister Captain? I don¡¯t know your name yet.¡± she grinned, like some sort of child who had access to a whole bag of sugar. The ship lifted off as Uka darted to the front for her bonus. ¡°Sorry Captain, 103 seconds. Do I get 5 percent for the effort?¡± huffed a very winded Uka. ¡°I see you met our new mechanic.¡± She wheezed, getting her breath. ¡°There has been a mistake, please pressurize the docking seal so Duffy can leave. The genuine version of this novel can be found on another site. Support the author by reading it there. ¡°Let me get this straight¡­you want to dismiss the only person willing to work for us for basically nothing¡­a pilot, mechanic, former captain and cook¡­and I am guessing it is a matter of either gender or proportions.¡± ¡°Absolutely not, I just have my doubts she is as qualified as her resume presents. Look at her, she is maybe¡­25, 35 years old, tops. You think she had her own ship?¡± he protested. ¡°Two ships, Captain." Duffy blurted "First ship was the SS Shuttlepod 13. I was Captain for 18 months before she¡­well there was a situation that was not my fault. Now I Captain the SS Vector 2.¡± She said. ¡°A Vector 2 shuttle pod¡­you were captain of 2 shuttle pods.¡± He said looking at Uka as if to say ¡°told you¡± ¡°Permission to speak bluntly, Mister Captain Sir?¡± saluted Duffy. Uka nodded. Lawg shrugged reluctantly. ¡°You didn¡¯t ask how big of a ship I was captain of. I would have explained it but you didn¡¯t give me the time to. Technically a shuttle pod is only a shuttle if the ship it belongs to has it in the registry. If lost or discarded, a shuttle pod becomes the property of the pilot and if unclaimed for 10 months, it can be registered as an independent vessel regardless of capacity, speed, crew, or cargo. Both shuttle pods were under my legal ownership. I served on both full sized ships as crew before I was given my shuttle pods, so that makes me experienced as a crewman, cook and mechanic for 4 vessels and captain of two.¡± she finished. ¡°Good for you¡­why did both of your last ships decide to give you ownership of one of their shuttle pods¡­specifically and in detail.¡± He asked. ¡°My first ship encountered a technical failure while I was off-ship. The specifics were never found. I was adrift for over a year and I was picked up by the SS Gremlin. I was allowed to keep my ship and a few months later there was an unfortunate attack and I was forced to hide in the Vector 2 when the Gremlin¡­um¡­exploded." ¡°So you have been on two ships that exploded and half of the shuttle ships you owned have exploded as well.¡± he said looking back at Uka. ¡°Technically the Shuttle pod imploded, I don¡¯t know if that helps.¡± She said looking leery. ¡°She is a jinx. 4 ships, 3 blew up and the other is in our docking bay.¡± said Captain Lawg. "IN OUR DOCKING BAY!" ¡°That doesn¡¯t count. I was not on 2 of the ships when they were destroyed and the last 2 blew up together. So none of those were in any way my fault¡­except the shuttle pod, because technically I did park it in the ship that eventually exploded¡­my mistake.¡± she paused. ¡°Captain. I need to speak freely as well.¡± said Uka. ¡°Fine.¡± ¡°She may have some bad luck, but she is perfect for the job and you keep telling me to go with the flow. The flow brought us a mechanic/pilot/cook that has more time on a shuttle pod then the men who built them, and she comes with her own ship that happens to fit our rather tiny shuttle bay. I have overlooked things as coincidence but the third time we found a working hot-tub adrift in space I finally agreed that maybe the universe has plans and clearly they now involve Duffy. So if you boot her off the ship you are paddling directly against the flow and as you have said¡­that is when problems happen. Now the alternative is that you don¡¯t want her around because she is a woman that doesn¡¯t meet your sexist body standards, in which case you will be replacing 2 lost crewmen back on the station because I draw the line somewhere and this is that line. So do we have our 4th crewman or not?¡± she asked standing firmly in a power-stance. ¡°Hu¡­ interesting point¡­definitely a valid argument to consider¡­but will you object to giving her a fair test of her job duties before we officially assign her a bunk?¡± ¡°That sounds reasonable.¡± Uka nodded. Lawg rolled his eyes to the back of his head as he slowly chewed a bite of food in what appeared to be a nearly spiritual state of mind. Marley pat his bulbous belly with a look of complete satisfaction with his life. ¡°No way that was the crap we had in the cargo crates. No way on any planet did that somehow turn into what I just ate.¡± He moaned. Lawg sighed. ¡°It¡¯s like a sunset and a Chalupa had a baby and that baby was the chosen one.¡± said Lawg, almost mystified at how good his food actually was. She smiled. ¡°So I guess I¡¯m part of the crew now?¡± she asked. ¡°Please choose an empty bunk and feel free to use the television at your leisure.¡± He said taking another bite and almost hitting full-trance mode. ¡°I¡¯ll be in my ship.¡± She said skipping along merrily. Uka stopped her and gave her a look, leaning in close. ¡°What did you put in that food?¡± she whispered. ¡°Paprika, seasoned salt, a little bacon fat and about a tab and a half of Ecstasy.¡± She smirked. ¡°I would avoid the Captain until it wears off, he is handsy enough when he isn¡¯t on anything. Welcome to the SS Tast-E-Chill.¡± She said shaking her hand. ¡°Girl-power.¡± Whispered Duffy under her breath as she headed to the shuttle bay. ¡°What?¡± ¡°Nothing.¡± She said looking up and around. ¡°So when do I get the tour? She asked. ¡°Well, it¡¯s a small ship, so it won¡¯t take long.¡± ¡°Sweetie¡­I spent 18 months in a 14x10 shuttle pod, this is not a small ship by my standards.¡± Duffy whispered. ¡°Oookay. So you know the kitchen and the Captain¡¯s Earth-cruiser mobile. Just over here is the den, TV, coffee table, little writing desk and the woodstove.¡± ¡°A woodstove?¡± she asked. ¡°Yes, an actual cast-iron box the captain uses to burn things in, right next to the carpet and the rug, sometimes he melts edible sugar on a flammable stick and rapidly shakes it until it''s no longer on fire so he can eat this edible napalm¡­also on the carpet.¡± ¡°Odd.¡± She said with a grin. ¡°Crew Quarters. Standard issue sleeping bunks, pretty typical except the bedding and the wood paneling. Here on the other side of the kitchen we have the main bathroom, it''s small and cramped and provides absolutely no sound dampening since it¡¯s made of the thinnest plastic possible. The shower is the same deal. Teleporter, older model. I would avoid it at all costs. This¡­I don¡¯t know what it is.¡± She said looking at a strange booth made of wood and pained blue. ¡°Ancient bathroom?¡± Duffy pondered. ¡°Not a clue. Captain says it won¡¯t open. He tried everything and it won''t budge. It looks like painted wood but its harder then steel. Makes a gritty noise once in a while so the captain uses it as an alarm clock and a coat-hanger. I think it¡¯s an empty weapon locker, you¡¯ll notice the faded word ¡°police¡± on the top. Anything that armored was likely weapon storage." Duffy took a knee. ¡°Oh strange box of mystery. What untold secrets of the universe might you have recorded into your primitive walls?¡± said Duffy getting oddly philosophical. ¡°Sure¡­or a petrified porta-potty. Moving along.¡± said Uka, unamused. ¡°The captain¡¯s quarters, same bunk beds and plastic enclosure as the others. Here we have the front porch.¡± She said leading her up the steps of a wooden porch in the middle of the ship. ¡°But why?¡± Duffy asked intrigued. ¡°We just don¡¯t ask anymore. Captain Lawg has a fixation with lumber¡­no irony there. He just collects Earth junk, whatever floats his proverbial boat and it doesn¡¯t take much to float a Lawg" she smirked. ¡°Fascinating. Did he find a whole porch and snag it or did he build one from scavenged wood?¡± she pondered. ¡°You know¡­I just don¡¯t know, or care.¡± Smiled a sarcastic Uka ¡°Doesn¡¯t it make you think? I mean, if he built it from scraps, this is very impressive, how did he find enough identically worn planks already pre-cut? The consistency of the lumber suggests he found it intact. Imagine an intact wooden structure floating adrift, just sleeping away, and waiting for a crazy Captain with a name befitting a lumber junkie to rescue it. And how did he get it in here? It''s 3 times the side of the doors.¡± She said peering up at the ¡°skylight¡± ¡°I never gave it much thought. And yes, above you is an umbrella, apparently they kept rain and weather off you, and we have it currently trapping air where the ship once had a docking port that the captain pawned with 6 other roof sections we now have sealed with our shuttle bay.¡± ¡°Wow¡­I bet it keeps the rain out really good thought.¡± She said with a look that made Uka unsure weather it was a joke or not. She was afraid to ask. ¡°And this here is the precious hot-tub. It¡¯s a tub, and it¡¯s hot. There is no other purpose for its existence, it uses a lot of power and weights a ton, but don¡¯t worry¡­the floor is sagging way less than it appears, I measured it.¡± ¡°How tall is the crawlspace?¡± ¡°No idea, maybe¡­4 feet?¡± Uka guessed ¡°One of the Chillmax crates would be almost that height. They hold half a ton, so one of them and a few boards would eliminate the sag in the- oooh is that a second bathroom stall?¡± she said getting oddly excited. ¡°Uh, yes. Oficially named Fiberglass shit-house number-B. You seem more excited then you should be about that.¡± ¡°That is a bathroom for every 2 crewmen, ladies and gentleman¡¯s exclusive bathroom. Not many ships have gender separate bathrooms, we should make signs with the little stick people. One has to have a skirt, it''s quirky. You spend 18 months sealed in a ship with no way out and you learn to appreciate redundant systems. When you have one bathroom and no way to repair it you tend to be delicate with the parts and ration your flushes, never know which one represents the final evacuation before a valve breaks and you either become sealed in with your own waste or just slowly evacuating the air until the ship becomes a vacuum and SHoooop¡­uncomfortable death. Only worse scenario is if you happen to be on the toilet when it happens. Next person to find you finds a mummified corpse frozen both literally and figuratively in the final push of their last and most humiliating personal moment. And that is how you are remembered, ¡°the flusher¡±, displayed in a museum for another 400 years, no dignity, only shame and discolored skin puckered to, hey where do you find a hot tub in this shape? I always thought the fiberglass would splinter in a vaccum. Guess not, every day is a learning experience, yea definitely run some bio-7 through the toilets every 6 months, prevents pipe corrosion and gravity plating cold spots.¡± She said wandering ahead. Uka stood there with a slight twitch in her eye, wondering of she just suffered some kind of small stroke or if she was the only sane humanoid in the universe. She paused before continuing her tour guide. ¡°So the cargo bay is a mess but that¡¯s normal. Crates of whatever we can get and lots of straps and tape. The Captain found a truck full of Survival Green all-purpose tape and about a hundred ratcheting straps a while back so he repairs almost everything with a combination of them. The engine room is on the other side of the airlock corridor and the ladder just outside it goes to the crawlspace and up to the shuttle bay, which you already know, apparently.¡± ¡°Yea, sorry about the landing, I really thought I could pull that off. Moment of brilliant stupidity as one would have, calculated the wingspan and the diagonal cargo measurements, forgot when the ship parks it has to rotate back and well, we all learn something new every day, wings are mostly just decorative on most shuttles, few inches off the tip isn¡¯t a problem, you got a welder?¡± she asked. ¡°I think so, engine room.¡± ¡°Yea, I¡¯ll have that fixed in a Gif, don¡¯t even sweat it, my ship took all the damage, you''re just missing some paint, not even pretty paint, ¡°Stellar Grey¡± if you believe it. Don¡¯t know who decided grayish green was overly stellar. I mean, anything on a ship is kinda stellar but you don¡¯t have ¡°Space grey¡± toilet paper, it¡¯s just paper maybe it sold better then ¡°cigarette smudge grey¡± or something.¡± she said smiling at her own joke and waiting for a reaction. ¡°ya, know¡­or not, whatev, did they name the hideous pink that this ship is painted on the outside?¡± Duffy asked. ¡°Bubblegum delight. I know because we have 3 buckets of paint in the locker for when we run into something. Captain likes his ship ¡°vintage¡± and ¡°original¡±, like anyone notices a mark or two. ¡°Well, you kinda live here¡­doesn¡¯t that count for something? Scuff or two would go unnoticed but if you never touched it up, the whole ship would look like crap. You have kind of a cynical mannerism, do you get enough fiber?¡± ¡°You¡­why do you care?¡± asked Uka ¡°Why don¡¯t you?¡± she asked. "It''s your diet. Lack of fiber can cause depression." ¡°So the Engine Generator is diesel, we run it on omnifuel and chamber 1 overheats sometimes because it only has 1 vent pipe and in order to fix it we need to shut down the entire engine and we lose power. So when it overheats we just shut that one down and hope it doesn¡¯t explode. And that is the ship.¡± She finished. ¡°Sawdust.¡± She said. ¡°Excuse me?¡± she asked a bit confused. ¡°Fiber substitute. It¡¯s harmless and with this much wood you should have plenty to work with. Anything treated is toxic but if you can burn it safely you can eat it too¡­and if it''s no good to eat then burning it is a bad idea anyway and you''d be better off dying with plenty of fiber, space driftwood is supposed to have vitamin D, sunlight vitamin, bleaches right into the wood. Don¡¯t like the taste myself, of course you could just eat plants and avoid all that¡­is anyone sleeping in the bunk below the captain¡¯s bunk?¡± she rattled, inspecting the space. ¡°No, but I doubt he would be thrilled with that idea.¡± ¡°Maybe the mood will determine.¡± She said looking philosophical again. ¡°So what was your last Captain like?¡± asked Uka, trying to be social. ¡°Technically my last Captain was me and we don¡¯t get alone like we used to¡­too much forced quality time alone, did you know the average human hallucinates if exposed to an hour of total sensory deprivation. Little flicker bugs on the floor. Bugs can¡¯t get in a shuttle, they¡¯re sealed, silly beaver¡­but there they are. The paranoia intensifies with time.¡± Duffy said darkly. ¡°Um¡­no I meant the captain you had before you¡­like any Captain that isn¡¯t just¡­still you.¡± she explained. ¡°Oh yea, good guy. Tall, absolute hunk, arms like deck-cannons. Little on the solitary side, never managed to get him claimed, too much of a free spirit, very entertaining quality. Explore and experience, no fear and no plan¡­then again the ship got blown up so maybe some form of plan was a good idea, maybe not, the crew will never know. They¡¯re dead, antimatter explosion, just glitter and dust now. Very sad. I wonder if the Captain blames himself?¡± she pondered. ¡°Wouldn¡¯t he be dead too if you were the only one to get to a shuttle craft. ¡°Probably not. He was a tough son of a bitch. My guess is he just grabbed a piece of debris and rode the wave into the night like a surfer of the stars¡­or maybe he died, I like the first one better. I try and stay positive in the unknown scenarios. His species could survive in the vacuum of space for a long time so I can either assume he got flung into some interesting space station and lived a merry life or that he just got thrown into nothingness, fully conscious and slowly losing his mind. Without air in space there would be no sound and remember kids¡­sensory deprivation and excessive solitude leads to neural problems. Damn he was gorgeous. You know the space bugs I mentioned, you know what they really are? Neutrinos, invisible particles so small they pass right thought the hull and make your eyeballs flicker when they pass through your corneas. That¡¯s what my grandpa told me. Well, enough about me, I''m a bit tired, I better find my bunk and get cozy. I wanna be good and fresh for tomorrows first day on a new ship. Is the Captain single?" she asked. "Perpetually so. Best of luck." "You two aren''t¡­like, I don¡¯t wanna step on toes if you''re secretly testing the structural integrity of the bunks or anything." she hinted. "Oh I assure you¡­you have no competition on this ship except the tail he finds on shore-leave." "Okay DIBS!" she hollered, crawling into the bunk on the bottom and shutting the door. "I may have made a mistake." sighed Uka, shuffling off to her own bunk. Episode 5: Rocket Launchers and Cocktail Sauce The Captain put on his slippers and turned off his police box alarm with his alarm hammer. He stretched and made himself a breakfast shake, raw egg, can of condensed milk creamer and 6 ounces of rye whiskey. As he sipped, he made his way to the front porch. He gazed up at the banner of a sunrise and let the gentle breeze of the fan simulate the island experience. He yawned and approached his hot-tub and jumped, suddenly noticing Duffy sitting in the tub, topless and listening to headphones as she read one of his copied books. "No, no no." he scolded. "Morning Captain. I like your history lessons. Some of it seems unlikely but it makes a good read. You should be a fiction writer, I hear eccentric loners with too much free time write great comedies¡­you should do one about this ship and crew." she insisted. He was awake now, furiously so. "Why are you in my hot-tub and why are you not covered?" he said diverting his eyes. "I assumed it was for everyone, why else would you have a cooler on both sides and an 8 person seating arrangement?" asked duffy. "Touch¨¦, now why are you topless?" he said calming down a little. "Sign says "guests must wear trunks unless otherwise recommended". I''m wearing trunks¡­but you gotta look to confirm that don¡¯t you?" she grinned. "Out of the tub, put my book back, before the pages get wet and ruined. And no sodas on the edge. You could spill it into the tub and that¡¯s how we get space-ants. I don¡¯t wanna wake up with a 5 foot Vaath crawling around my cargo bay" he insisted. "Didn¡¯t you fall asleep yesterday and let a bottle of rum and citrus just float around for like¡­3 hours?" she asked. "Yes I did. I let MY drink spill into MY Tub that I¡­ordered Uka to clean." "And you wonder why you can''t get laid. Piss off the skinny one and turn down the hot one over a little thing like imaginary space-ants. You know those bugs you think you see could be radioactive particles hitting your optic nerve. They find their way through damaged vents and huge missing roof panels covered in tape. You should look into that. I''ll write you a book." she said "It¡¯s a metaphor, wait¡­I don¡¯t have to explain myself, and I''m the captain." "Commodore. You now technically operate a fleet. The shuttle is still legally my ship even if I take orders from you, which would make my ship my independent property, your ship, the flagship of a fleet of two and you would be giving orders to another Captain. You need a hat to be a Commodore, so I think by maritime law until you get a hat; we have to dual for disputes. You do swords or pistols? We could fill squirt-guns with tequila and the loser has to swab the deck." she grinned. "What the, no¡­wait I got confused. Are you cleaning now?" "Awe, you can''t win em all, not everybody gets looks AND brains so you gotta work with what you got. Hop in the tub''o''fun and lets ride this beast." she said throttling the jets up. "The only ride in this theme park is the Lawg-ride and you gotta be¡­" he held his hands about a foot apart." This wide or less to get a ticket." he insisted. "Nice one." she said offering a fist bump. "Thanks." he bumped. He sighed and sat down in the tub, fully dressed and opened the cooler to ice his beverage. "Not like anyone else ever listens either." "Probably cuz you''re not very intimidating and you got no structure." "Thanks, I try to keep things loosey goosey and as chill as possible. Just not in my nature to resist the natural flow." he said sipping his breakfast. "I''ve tried to get to know everyone on this ship, but I don¡¯t know much about you, Commodore." she said half serious. "Let''s just pretend for the general flow of things that I''m just a captain and your ship is the shuttle pod for the SS Tast-E-Chill. Officially we both know the truth, but I don¡¯t want the responsibility of a fleet unless it comes with a pay raise." he said to appease and avoid the weirdness. "Alrighty Captain. So what is your story?" she asked. "Well, born on a star ship, raised by my grandfather, old Captain Yule William Lawg. He spent a little too much time near the distortion reactor; back in his day the leaked a lot of magnetic flux so by the time you reached 50 they were usually a bit loony. Three generations of loony Lawgs. But he knew how to go with the flow and everyone loved him. Didn¡¯t speak much about my father, just that he and my grandfather didn¡¯t see eye to eye. I think my father was a lot taller. Anyway when I was 13, he died and I was bumped from intake manifold scrubber to assistant kitchen cleanup. Vowed one day to have my own ship and by the time I was 15 I had saved enough money to buy a captains uniform and steal one. Spent a year on a detention planet and the hooligans there taught me a valuable lesson¡­I am way better then those turds both as an individual and visually. Also learned if you make waves you get¡­some metaphor for beaten up a lot. From there, Barely made it through academy, then took online truck driving school, freight hauler, discovered the earth debris field and I''ve been piecing together Earth''s history and looking for a place to build the Earth Museum. There I can store all my treasures and make a living charging a small fee to bring a rich and vibrant history of my culture back from the grave. And with the extra money, become a collector of the finer things." he said looking up as if dreaming. "Like what?" she asked. "Exotic poon, for one. Also would like a functional piano, a running muscle car and about 2 miles of road to drive it on. Maybe a bakery, I do enjoy a good bread. Just retire on a little chunk of rock with my name on it and all the things I''ve collected that the museum doesn¡¯t want." "Like poon." she nodded. "Exactly." he smiled. "So I understand your motives, I get the furry guy''s reasons but I don¡¯t understand Uka." she said. "What''s to understand, she is part of the team and we work as a unit. No reason to question why." said Lawg. "So it doesn¡¯t bother you at all that she has literally no reason to be here?" "I don¡¯t understand. Where are you going with this?" muttered Lawg. "You are a collector and adventurer saving relics, Marley believes in you and has a natural follower''s instinct, he wants to be seen as something more then part of a brutal species of dumb warriors, and I feel at home in space and you are the only crew desperate enough to have me¡­but Uka doesn¡¯t believe in your dream, she clearly hates all of us, you especially, she isn''t particularly interested in Earth or its history. Hell she isnt even human and she was taken here by force¡­accidental as it may be. So why didn¡¯t she just ditch at the first fuel station? Why is she here?" Duffy asked. "Huh, you know I never thought about it. At first she didn¡¯t have a choice, and then when she was safe to leave she just didn¡¯t. I assumed the Lawg charm just overcame her and she felt compelled to stay but now that I think about it¡­she doesn¡¯t seem to like me that much." he pondered. "Oh well, she has her reasons." he said as the lights flickered and the ABC song sounded. "Does anyone hear that besides me?" asked Duffy. "As tempting as it is to say no and watch you question reality, that is the gravitation alarm." Lawg said jumping out and heading to the cockpit. Uka and Marley made their way to the front as a wet Lawg stumbled and slid face first, before scrambling to his feet near the Fusion cockpit. He buckled in and took the wheel. In the front view window was a large section of planet, like a huge pie-slice, or an ice-cream cone, with the ice-cream being a sandy earthen coating, complete with a thin atmosphere and a lake. "What am I looking at?" asked Uka. Marley checked the scanners. "From what I can tell it''s a chunk of Earth, and a big one. About 20 miles across and with oxygen." he noted. "Wouldn¡¯t the oxygen disperse if a chunk was too small for planetary gravity? I mean¡­why is there atmosphere at all?" she asked. "Probably moving too fast." said Lawg. "Momentum of a flat disk moving in an orbit might be enough to hold it down." he said. Everyone looked shocked that he had the capability to grasp any scientific law of anything. "What?" Makes sense. You can run with food on a flat plate if you angle it in the direction you''re running! Why not oxygen and water and stuff?" Lawg explained. "I can''t believe I agree with you on something, just makes me concerned for my own mental health is all." said Uka "Yea, as crazy as it sounds¡­we got a flat-earth disk. Looks like the edges got frozen, too far from the center. I bet we can land on it." said Marley. "This ship isn''t designed to land!" Lawg objected. "Well, planets are supposed to be round too, so anything is possible¡­space is weird, weird shit happens in space." shrugged Marley "Plus if there are any women there, the reduced gravity would make them more buoyant than normal, they may have evolved larger boobs as an evolutionary result." He joked. The Captain got a gleam in his eye and he place a boot on the dashboard. "FOR SCIENCE!!" he announced, pulling the throttle and banking in for a landing. Everyone grabbed a hold of something as the SS Tast-E-Chill made a steep decent "How many fingers am I holding up?" asked Marley to a very dizzy Captain. "I can''t tell." he mumbled. "He''s blind, clearly I should take command of the ship." sighed Duffy. He swatted away the paw and staggered to his feet. "I''m not blind you dinguses¡­Dingus, Dingi? I just can''t tell from a blurry furry paw if his fingers are up or down." Lawg barked. "What is the plural for of Dungus?" "I think its "Dinguses." said Duffy. "I think the ladies would be Dingettes." said Marley "Nevermind¡­" Lawg said rubbing his head. "What happened? Did we land?" "Technically yes, some might say it was a crash, but there were no explosions and the ship is intact so I think it qualifies as landing." informed Marley. "Why am I wobbly?" Lawg asked. Duffy pondered. "Could be a number of things, blood-alcohol levels out of balance, gravity shifting, brain tumor, or a result of you hitting the windshield at about 40 miles an hour with your face. Luckily you have a very dense head." informed Duffy. "I remember fastening a seatbelt." he said "Right before boobs were mentioned and you decided to triumphantly stand up and land without reducing speed." muttered Uka. "Oh yea, I remember that. That would have made a really neat landing if I hadn''t got the landing gear stuck in this sand." he said peering out. "We don¡¯t have landing gear, this ship wasn¡¯t designed to land." mentioned Uka. "Then what went down when I pulled, nevermind, we landed safely and injuries were minor, no brain damage and we managed to put her down safely without any injuries or brain damage nice and safely with no landing gear or injuries and no brain damage." he said with an eye twitching, triumphantly taking his pose and strapping a holster to his belt. "Okay¡­just gonna leave that alone¡­so when did you get a gun?" asked Marley. "Well, I already had the holster and it completes the look, plus if we run into anything hostile it''s good to have some intimidation on your side even if you don¡¯t have a real gun." he said twirling something shiny. "It¡¯s an air drill isn''t it?" asked Marley. "Yes it is¡­and before you say anything I have two words to stop you¡­Leaf¡­Blower" he squinted. "Okay, fair enough." he said shuffling away to the airlock to suit up. "Can''t believe he made us split up." groaned Marley. "At least we got away from princess buzzkill. Any idea what her issue is?" asked Duffy. "She has very little patience or tolerance for bullshit, and she is on the same ship as Lawg. So that''s disastrously fun." he shrugged. "So what have you guy''s discovered yet? Any historical gems that ended up in a museum?" asked Duffy "Mostly just food, trinkets nobody wants, several hot-tubs and that 7 foot tiki statue in the cargo bay." he yawned as the com lit up. "Go for Marley." "There is a situation, both of you come quickly to these coordinates." said Lawg, signing out. They rushed to the blip on the scanner and were taken aback when they found him sitting on a rather lavish stone chair surrounded by beautiful humanoid women of various colors and less various cup sizes¡­mostly large. "Oh come on, seriously?" barked Marley. His ears perked up and he had an idea. "Boy it would be terrible if I tripped over a hundred pound bar of Gold." he annunciated, walking a few paces with his eyes closed. "Did you hit your head too?" asked Duffy. He opened his eyes and looked sad. "Well the boob thing happened so I figured I''d give it a try. Guess it only works for Lawg. Come on, let''s go see what unparalleled incarnation of superb luck Lawg manifested now. Too bad we can''t bottle it and sell them¡­what would happen if we just squeezed him?" Marley asked. Unlawfully taken from Royal Road, this story should be reported if seen on Amazon. "They guy lives off of soda and booze, you really wanna squeeze him and bottle what comes out?" she asked raising an eyebrow. "Wish I had kept it to myself now." he said as they strolled into what appeared to be a festival. Not a man in sight except Lawg, and the women seemed to be as interested in him as he assumed all women were anyway. "Marley, my little Clairvoyant. I will never doubt you again!" he said grabbing him and giving him a hug-noogie. "Sir, I have a terrible feeling and we should leave." he said. Lawg squinted and looked annoyed. "I doubt you significantly. You''re just mad that they aren''t 4 foot tall and fury, aren''t you? I''m sure we can find you a hairy one somewhere." he insisted. "You don¡¯t find it suspicious that 20 females are just waiting here for you to show up¡­juuust rocking a beach party for the last 6 months on the odd chance a gullible man flies nearby?" "I have really good luck." he nodded. "Nobody has this kind of good luck. One stranded and grateful bimbo, sure¡­but 20?" did you even try the scanner for lifeform readings?" Marley asked. "Didn¡¯t bother, by the time I got it turned on I was surrounded by women. See?" he said holding the scanner out proudly. "Did you notice the mathematical conundrum?" asked Marley. "I didn¡¯t take conundrum!! I couldn¡¯t even finish algebra!" Lawg barked. "Oh I believe that much. See this number here? How many number is that?" It says 7, I''m not that stupid. That¡¯s 4 of us and¡­three¡­women." he said slowly turning back to see at least a dozen women giggling and standing around, all just staring at them. "Okay¡­I admit that does alarm me a little. so¡­which ones are ghosts, I do not wanna waste time putting out the vibe for a dead girl." "It''s not ghosts, there is no such thing as ghosts." Marley objected. "Maybe the rest are androids. I mean¡­I don¡¯t have to sneak out the window with an android, I could just turn her off, the ship could use an android too, lotta cans sitting around that nobody takes out." Lawg mentioned re-checking his math. "Stop thinking with your bits and just think; regular person thinking. Something is bad wrong here and you know it, your just too horny to care. Hey!" he said changing tone as two of them approached him, giggling and offering cold drinks. "Sorry ladies, this bunny is married." said Lawg. "Yea, sorry. Got a lady at home." he said skittishly dodging the hands trying to massage his shoulders. "Awe, but we just want to greet you." said the blonde. "And it is custom for guests to stay the night, drink, celebrate." another insisted. "No, I''m fine¡­not thirsty or¡­what exactly are we celebrating?" he nervously said looking around. "It is not every day we have guests, there is much celebration to be had, for it gets so lonely here in the dark." said the blonde. "You got more torches, we can light some more for better lighting." "NO" the blonde snipped in a strange tone. "I mean¡­the light hurts our eyes. We only lit torches for you." she said looking like a rather stepford-ish wife. Cold-dead lifeless eyes and a smile that was just way too damn friendly and hollow behind it. "Marley." said Duffy, touching his shoulder. He jumped a few feet and smacked her hand with a look of irritation. "I need help back at the ship, cooling off the engines, you know how they overheat if we don¡¯t manually vent them?" she hinted. He nodded and followed her. They kept quiet till out of earshot. "Okay, so you are freaked out too, right?" he asked. "Well, clearly this is a trap of some kind." Duffy muttered. "No kidding, look at the scanner. The 4 of us and a whole 3 other bio-signs for a gaggle of women." "That can''t be right¡­" she said looking at it. "Why are about 17 of them invisible to scanners? And why are 3 of them registering, but not human." "Robots?" he asked. "I''m not getting any electric fields. My first thought was holograms." "Can''t be holograms, I thought of that already. They''re all picking up drinks." "Maybe they are advanced holograms that can pick up things." she suggested. "That¡¯s stupid¡­holograms are light, photons bouncing off surfaces to create an illusion, even with a whole room covered in holographic emitters you couldn¡¯t pick things up, that makes no sense and it''s just lazy science." "Yea, good point. No matter how advanced the technology, a visual illusion can''t possibly manipulate objects, physics 101, I don¡¯t know why I even suggested it." she shrugged. "Probably saw it on a show or something. The point is they are physical objects and for some reason only 3 of them register as living." "Which ones?" she asked. "Here, the ones¡­what the hell?" he said looking puzzled. "Okay, that is strange." she said peering over his shoulder. "Apparently the entire party doesn¡¯t exist and the one life form is just¡­kinda¡­in the middle of the group." Marley said with his hare standing up. "So the bimbos don¡¯t exist and the thing that does, we can''t see¡­were gonna die aren''t we?" she asked. "Oh yea, we''re gonna die. This kinda trap never goes well for the bait. Awe man¡­I wore my favorite red shirt today." he said "Why is that relevant?" Duffy asked. "It''s not, I just got a soda stain on it when we crashed, and if we die, nobody will pre-treat the stain. Hey, have you seen Uka?" he asked. "Come to think of it¡­no." she said looking at him. They made their way to the party and looked around, trying to pinpoint her on the scanner. "Hey, Captain." Marley said. "Uka was with you when you found this quite literal clan of cleavage¡­did she go back to the ship?" "I don¡¯t know, she just has a really odd way of getting lost." "Or, it''s possible you are just terrible at keeping track of her?" asked Marley "I admit the possibility of both." he squinted, still being fanned and brought fruit as they groped and massaged his neck and shoulders. "We really need to find her, she is missing a hell of a party." he said looking suspicious and strolling slowly up to the Captain. The blonde tried to comfort him again, interrupting his detective-work with a creepy smile. "Maybe she went exploring, please relax and have some wine, some fruit, or perhaps a shampoo?" asked the blonde. "That sounds nice, right after I find Uka, I''ll take you up on that offer." he said swiping the air-drill and hiding it in his vest. "I think I saw her at the temple, maybe you should try there." said the blonde. "Good idea, anyone wanna show me the way?" a dozen hands silently pointed to the lone building about 200 yards away. "That¡¯s helpful and not remotely creepy." he muttered to himself, walking towards the temple. As he approached, he noticed guards standing around in a cluster. "Three bio-signs¡­a dozen sluts¡­sure, that makes sense, Uka, and both halves of a cluster of ghost androids. No way we live through this, nope." he muttered approaching the first guard. He noticed even the guards were in long dresses, the babes back at the party were nearly topless but all wearing long skirts to the floor. She shuffled through the sand, annoyed that his fur was collecting it like a magnet. "You know, if you live on a sandy planet, full length flowing dresses seems like a bad choice to be dragging around." he pondered. "I bet they got gross feet." "Halt. This is the temple of Femtar, men are not allowed inside." said the guard, also blonde, and wielding a sword. "I am looking for my friend Uka." he said hearing the faint blip of another bio-sign approaching. "Please come with me." she said coldly, almost sarcastic in her pleasantries. He turned the corner and she stopped, unsheathing her sword. "Ha, death-ray beats cold steel any day!" he nervously said drawing the air-drill. She looked emotionless. "Your weapon has great strength?" it asked. "Like¡­stupid powerful. I''ll vaporize you and your guards if we don¡¯t get Uka back pronto!" She looked confused. "Pronto means like as soon as possible." he explained. "You are allowed to go, but leave the others." "Doesn¡¯t work like that, ghost of hookers past!" he said clicking the drill to reverse and looking angry. "We only want you to stay and be happy. Your friends are quite pleased. You and the plump one do not seem to be happy, you may leave." she said calmly as more guards approached. "Shit¡­" he muttered, "Um¡­self destruct sequence activated." he said fiddling randomly with the speed settings. "If you don¡¯t take me to Uka in 5 seconds, this entire planet chunk is screwed, just a thousand foot crater full of dead hooker-bots." he bluffed. It looked like it was thinking¡­for a good 3 seconds. "As you wish. She is in the temple. Go retrieve your woman and leave us." it growled. "Oh she is not my woman, not gonna even go there." he chuckled. He went up the steps and noticed a large chamber with Uka tied up to a chair. He hopped over and untied her. "What took you so long?" she whispered angrily. "Oh no, you''re welcome, no need to thank me anymore, the reward is in the act itself and also the critiquing of my speedy rescue." he barked in a whispering tone. "Where are the Captain and Duffy?" she asked "Duffy headed to the ship, the Captain¡­where do you think he is?" he asked. "Bimbo-pile?" she asked. "Gold star for Uka, now let''s go." he said getting his com and scrolling to Duffy. "I got Uka, what''s your status?" "Teleporter is online and I''m ready to lift off." "We still need the Captain." he reminded, Uka glared at him. "Do we really?" she asked with a smirk. "Any idea where we are, or is he the only one who knows this sector?" he asked with a cheesy grin. "Crap!!¡­let''s go get the captain." she sighed. A Bunny with a leaf-blower and an Uka with an air-drill materialized in another stone building, checking for bio signs. "I got him; he is just around the corner. There''s only two of them¡­we got this." he said looking motivated and rushing around the corner before Uka could stop him. He slid to a stop and became alarmed at the sound of a lot of footsteps moving quickly. "Oh right¡­2 is a lot." he pondered. Captain Lawg came barreling out of a corridor looking frantic as hell. "They''re all shrimp! Haul your hairy ass!" he screamed in a rather high pitched voice. "What does that even mean?" asked Uka. She regretted asking as the sound of a very pissed off something echoed through the halls like a banshee from hell, followed by the clicking of a lot of feet. A wall of sand sprayed up as a dozen bimbos came sliding through the halls as if all riding the same moving sand-wave. "They''re all shrimp, activate the teleporter!" hollered Lawg. Suddenly the bimbos all rose up in the air and it was clear that each of them was connected at the waist to a central creature, a very large and very blue crustacean shuffling out of the sand. It let out a howl and shook its 20 arms, flinging wigs and clothing off to reveal a bunch of pincers and lifelike humanoid puppets. "Oh¡­ shrimp." huffed Marley. Tossing his leaf blower and running full speed. The captain fiddled with something as he sprinted up to him. "You have a real gun?!?" asked Marley. "Flair gun, only one flair. Bought it at the last gas station." he said pointing it backwards. "It¡¯s flair!! You''re gonna shoot a 30 ton demon shrimp with a flair?" he hollered frantically as it poofed and a tiny red light hit the beast and did nothing but stick. "Duffy!" he screamed into the com. "Hit the green button on the red panel!" A moment later a streak of light rained down and a rather impressive explosion turned the Shrimp into shrapnel. Marley, Lawg, and Uka all hit the deck to avoid getting impaled by flying shrimpnel. As the dust cleared, Marley was the first to get up. He approached the blue splatter and grabbed his leaf blower. "So the bimbos were just puppets¡­one for each arm of a giant blue shrimp. You gotta admit, it was some convincing craftsmanship." he said admiring the severed head and wondering a lot of questions. "That doesn''t make any sense!" barked Uka. "Doesn¡¯t have to¡­space is weird. Weird shit happens in space. Let''s go before more shrimp show up, there were 3 life signs¡­remember?" said Marley. "That¡¯s like¡­24 shrimp!" said Lawg. "No, it''s 2. the shrimp was a whole cluster of bimbos, that¡¯s why they stayed close together and never left the sandy¡­nevermind let''s go." Marley waved. Suddenly there was a faint voice, a female voice hollering for help. "Oh no¡­they must have captures someone else, she needs our help!" said Lawg, cocking the empty flair gun. Uka sighed and palmed her face. "Damnit you lumber-head¡­it''s just a shrimp trying to trick you again¡­we just fell for that. How dense can a Lawg be?!" she hollered. "No, this is different¡­see? One life sign. A shrimp would be more of them." "Wow¡­just¡­wow." Uka said calmly. "Teleport the boys to the ship and head my direction." she said to the com. Both of them vanished and she headed towards the ship, remembering it only teleports 2 at a time before reloading. "Stupid, old-ass teleporter, takes like 6 minutes to charge up again. Get eaten by stupid shrimp-whores on a stupid cone-planet covered in sand." she said, slowing down and peering into another chamber. There were 2 beautiful women, long dresses and blonde hair, both in cages very close together. "Help us!" they hollered. "Captain Lawg may be that gullible, but you won''t trick me with that act." she said running along. One turned to the other and sighed. "Worth a try." "They never do stop, do they?" asked the other. "So¡­they all got away this time?" asked the first. "Yep. There goes their ship." said the first one, pointing at the SS Tast-E-Chill as it streaked away. She shook her head, sitting down and scratching the shackle on her ankle. "So¡­what are the odds someone else will rescue us." asked the second. Plopping her feet up on the cage. "Basically none. We''re gonna die on the shrimp-planet." said the first. "Bummer." sighed the second. Captain Lawg stood with his face and palms on the port-window, watching the planet-slice get smaller. "What a shame." he sighed. "Seriously? You remember how they were giant shrimp with people-puppets, right?" asked Marley, putting his trust leaf-blower in the locker. "I mean¡­they were so real. That kind of technology and they use it for evil. What kind of heartless beast promises something like sweet-sweet hoes, just to trick and presumably eat people?" he said looking depressed. "You''re just mad cuz you thought you were getting laid and you just tanked again. I mean it could have gone worse¡­you could have scored, and then found out it was a giant shrimp. Or death¡­death was also a thing that could have happened." said Marley. "Your right, little buddy¡­I can live to fly another day, the luck of the Chafee triumphs again." he smirked. "I should probably mention how badly this adventure cost us." said Uka, slamming down a bill sheet on a clip-board. "One heat seeking rocket¡­only one we had, half our fuel breaking atmosphere in a ship not intended to ever land or take off. Thank God for low gravity. No cargo, no supplies, absolutely nothing gained at all. One concussion that shockingly might have made you even dumber, one missing air-drill, and the ship will need serious body filler and re-painted." she finished. "What about the landing gear?" he asked. "There is no landing gear." she repeated. "We lost the landing gear again¡­damnit." he said with a clenched fist of frustration. "No hoes, no landing gear and no profit." he said looking troubled. "Maybe take a day off and have your head scanned just a little." suggested Marley. "And next time you think your going to get laid¡­maybe just discreetly check for ankles." he said leading him to the couch. Duffy joined Uka in the cargo bay. "Do you think he is actually getting dumber?" asked Uka. "He did hit his head pretty hard." Duffy sighed. "For some reason I almost thought it might actually help." she said staring into the nearly empty cargo bay. "Well, at least we''re near the debris field. This run could still yield something valuable. Maybe find a rocket launcher and a barrel of cocktail sauce¡­go back to the shrimp-planet." she smirked. "Or another damn hot tub." Uka joked with half a smile. Episode 6: A Magical Place Duffy sat on the floor, almost literally rolling with laugher as Uka stood with a look of utter loss, emotionless and dead inside, and staring at something she could not comprehend or accept as reality. "I don¡¯t understand." she said calmly, looking lethargic. "Luck of the Chafee!! Hollered Captain Lawg, jumping to the grappler controls "I lost my mind¡­that must be it. First giant shrimp, and now another hot tub, just¡­floating in space." beside her stood Marley looking similarly perplexed. "I mean¡­was Earth just 20 percent hot-tub by volume or something? The odds of this are just impossible. Let me guess, and I''m just pulling this out of nowhere based on a hunch and a pattern¡­this one is slightly better then ours, mint condition and just what you were wanting your whole career. How close am I?" he asked Lawg. It¡¯s a T-700 series!" hooted Lawg, like a kid at Christmas. "Nine Person seating, 4 speaker sound system! Ultra-blue candy coat and foot bubbler!" he said almost in tears as he carefully moved into position. He eased the grappling arm in carefully to get the rubber jaws on a solid part. A boot bumped his arm and the grappler missed, sliding the claw across the tub and scraping the paint as it began to drift away. "No, No, NO! FOOT BUBBLER!!!!" he shouted, as it bounced off of a nearby rock and little bits of plastic went everywhere. "Awe, dukes¡­my bad." Uka said shuffling away. "Guess that one is all buggered up now." said Marley "I mean, we can still snag it and sell it as an antique so, that¡¯s something." he said calmly sitting down in the passenger seat. "You did that intentionally!" hollered Lawg. "I''m sure she didn¡¯t mean to." yawned Marley. "Yes I did!" hollered Uka from the bathroom stall. Duffy sat up from the couch. "Hey!! What the hell Uka? Foot bubbler may have been awesome!" she bellowed, shuffling to the cockpit. Lawg sighed, looking depressed. "She''s still mad about that whole evil shrimp-trap thing." grumbled Lawg. "Well, that was like 14 hours ago" noted Marley "and you did dive-bomb a chunk of space debris for the prospect of low-gravity jugs, based on what was clearly sarcasm. Then you did abandon her for a giant boob-shrimp and almost got her and the rest of us eaten by said shrimp." Marley said munching on some chips. Duffy snagged one and looked back. "She doesn¡¯t have to take it out on the hot-tub. OTHER PEOPLE USE THAT TUB BESIDES THE CAPTAIN!!" bellowed Duffy towards the green plastic stall. "Well, anyway, I got it. Scratched the paint all up. Foot bubbler is totally ruined." said a very calmly bummed out Lawg, guiding the tub into the Cargo bay. "Hey." he said discreetly to Duffy. "You think the shrimps would pay us if we returned her?" he asked. "Did you see any money while we were on the shrimp-planet?" she asked, strolling off. "No... Probably just shrimp-money if they did, wouldn¡¯t be worth anything at any bank or ATM." he muttered to himself. "That¡­and they would kill us. You do remember how they don¡¯t have legs so they wouldn''t have much use for a hot-tub or foot bubbler?" "I bet we could pawn it, I know a guy." Lawg sighed. Lawg stood in an alley, outside a window where a large alien was staring him down. "350 credits." said the blob of green gelatinous goop behind the counter. "What?" 350 credits!? It''s worth 600 all day!" argued Lawg. "Yea, in good condition, this one is all banged up. You can''t find fiberglass anymore to fix it so it''s gotta go on display as it is. A working model would get 600 or better, your lucky it¡¯s a T-700 or I wouldn¡¯t give you a thing." it replied. "Three hundred cash and a hundred in store-credit." he countered. "Three fifty." it gurgled. "Three hundred cash¡­ and Fifty in store-credit!" he countered. The blob snickered, shaking his head and signing the bill. "Fine, but only cuz I like you and you practically gave away those spinners. "Those stupid things were pointless, they just spin!" he barked. "Totally worthless to me too, but they sold for ten credits each the first week. People buy dumb shit." he chuckled. Lawg gave a huge sigh, swiped the check and shuffled to the main road to divide the spoils. He handed a hundred credits to Marley and a hundred to Duffy, pocketed a hundred and handed Uka a fidget-spinner. "That¡¯s bullshit Lawg!" she barked as he shuffled back in for his store-credit. She looked around at the two of them. "Come on guys¡­gimme ten credits each." she asked. Duffy turned and walked away and she looked pitifully at Marley, pouting slightly. "Not a chance Uka. You did kinda dick-up the foot bubbler. I don¡¯t know what that is¡­but it could have been amazing. Have you seen how big my feet are?" he said hopping the other way, leaving her standing penniless in the street. She looked rather hopeless and as Captain Lawg wandered away from the pawn store, she discreetly crept in. Marley was just turning around, hoping to see of The Captain had change for a 50, when he noticed her lurking. "Maybe she has change." he yawned, trotting on in. he couldn¡¯t help but eaves-drop as she argued with the owner. "I need 20!" she barked. "I sell them for ten, why would I give you double that much. Even if I liked you, I wouldn¡¯t give you more than I could sell it for. Your cute, but not that cute." "Okay, ill take 5, but I need another 15. Is there anything you want for 15? Here, I have a necklace." she said desperately. "Not interested." said the pawn-blob "Then what? I have vintage sodas back at the ship. Food rations, name a type of booze and I''ll bring you a bottle." she haggled. "Ender Ale, bring me an unopened bottle and you have your 15." he nodded. She darted off in a hurry, checking her watch. "Wow, she must be desperate for something. Normally I wouldn¡¯t creep on her, but she is stealing the Captain''s booze so I think this merits investigation." he said grabbing a hat, as if that would make him less conspicuous. A four-foot bunny was obvious, but a 4 foot bunny in a hat was basically invisible. He paid the man and slid him 2 singles from the change. "I was never here." he said mysteriously. "Who wasn¡¯t?" said the owner, returning his attention to his shows. After the booze-run and transaction, she left the pawn store with a suitcase in a hurry and Marley followed her. She got a hover taxi and he did as well, leading them both to a rather large building, where some sort of event was happening. He hopped out and looked around, waddling along as he looked for Uka. He spotted her and hid behind a doorway, watching her locate a bathroom and go in. He waited, switching to the scanner so he wouldn¡¯t lose her. He drew out his Delmarian Battle mask to check the visual scanners for any clues. What the hell is this place?" he muttered, putting on his mask and still wearing the hat. He spotted someone who looked like another Delmarian. "Excuse me." he said in a deep modulated voice. He turned around and Marley jumped slightly, realizing this wasn¡¯t a Delmarian, it was someone in a costume. "You lose your group?" he asked. "Um, no¡­I was just wondering¡­what is this?" he asked "I don¡¯t get it, like¡­this costume?" he asked. "Sure, why not." Marley said going with it. "Well, I''m Bigsby Cruiser, from Star Faction. What are you?" "Delmarian bounty hunter." he said, not even bluffing. "Wow, that¡¯s a really good suit; I don¡¯t get the hat though." "Personal flair." "Hey, whatever you like." said the costumed kid. "So¡­this is a hangout for Star Faction fans?" he asked. "Oh, no. they don¡¯t have a Star Faction room unfortunately. They should, hell they have a room upstairs for Vortex Lords and that show was canceled after 1 season. What room are you looking for?" "Just¡­this is my first¡­thing. I''m not a specific character. I''m just waiting on a friend, nice to meet you." he said awkwardly wandering off and checking the scanner. "Okay¡­" he muttered to himself and his com, for reasons he wasn¡¯t sure about. Seemed like the thing to do, they do it in movies. "I have been lead to some sort of gathering, where humanoids dress in costumes of fictional characters, mostly sci-fi, which is strange given that we are in space. You''d think that would satisfy them enough but I digress¡­ Uka has left the restrooms, I think I see her." he said following as she put on what appeared to be the final piece of a horse costume. she lead him to another room and as he turned the corner he was confused to see hundreds of people, all dressed as colorful horses, most of them wearing a very cartoonish headpiece. The ones not wearing a headpiece had Mohawks of various neon colors and they seemed to be mostly male. "Uh, I may have made a mistake. I have stumbled into some kind of rainbow horse¡­cult?!" he said breathing heavy and keeping to the sides. He cautiously observed from the snack table and didn¡¯t notice the young lady in pink and blue approaching him. "Hi! I''m Starflower." she said with a very drug-suggestive smile. "That''s fascinating. Can you tell me what this is?" If you spot this narrative on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation. "It''s the magical kingdom of Ponyguard." she said very excitedly. "Yea¡­sure¡­" he said blinking a lot. "But like, what is this whole room gathering thing?" he asked. "You don¡¯t know, have you never heard of Ponyguard? It¡¯s a wonderful place of colors an-" Wow, what fun. So this is a gathering of people dressed as ponies¡­I hesitate to ask but¡­why?" "For fun of course, why do you dress up as¡­I don¡¯t know who you are supposed to be." she grinned. "Delmarian Bount- just¡­nevermind." he said shoveling free snacks into his mouth under the mask. "Scary. You seem tense¡­did you lose your parents somewhere?" she asked, looking concerned. "Lady, I''m fricken 15!" he said. "Oh, so your probably with friends then, when are they picking you up" she asked. "You¡­ugh, 4PM." he sighed. "You wanna meet my friends?" she asked. "Nope" he said without hesitation, shoveling some free pretzels from the booth. "Awe, don¡¯t be shy, you don¡¯t have to be a Pony to be friends, maybe after today you''ll consider joining us." "The amount of ''no'' is more then I can carry." he said dryly. "Can I meet your friends?" she asked, trying to hold his hand. "Is it just a massive sugar high, or are you on something serious? Is it glue? Are you sniffing the Elmer Dragon or is this some hardcore gangtsta drugs?" "Friendship is addictive, who needs drugs?" she grinned, suddenly looking concerned. "You don¡¯t do drugs, do you, do you need help? Do you need a friend?" "I need a cattle prod right now but otherwise I''m just dandy. And yea I smoke a little weed here and there but it''s medicinal. Why am I telling you? No offence or anything but even if you were furry and had floppy ears, your still way to young to even remotely have my interest, so can I just be alone so I can wait on my friend in silence, and snacks?" he snipped. "I''m 16, so I''m older than I look, thank you¡­and I just wanted to cheer you up." she said still smiling. He sighed. She was just not getting it. He motioned her to get a little closer and lead her just out of view of the party, right behind fruity fountain. He disconnected his mask and let out a ferocious little bark, bearing his long front teeth and unhinging his jaw like some kind of demon. She screamed and ran off, as he scooted behind the door. Two large men wearing colorful clothing, tie-dyed hair, and black security shirts grabbed him and pitched his furry ass into the hallway. "This a place for friendship and magic, not harassing little girls!" said the larger one. "She wouldn¡¯t leave me alone, all I did was flash some teeth, come on." "What is a Delmarian doing at Fuzzy-con anyway, trying to creep on teenagers, and posing as a human in costume?" "You¡­what the hell?? I''m the weird one? I''m weird because I''m furry and not human? You''re two grown-ass men at a convention where humans pretend to be furry animals and I am the creep for actually being one? How does this not seem odd to you?" he protested. "You are no longer welcome in the Ponyguard Kingdom." he said with a serious look. "There is a sign 10 feet from you that says ''Ponyguard: where everyone is welcome!" he hollered. The bigger security guard smiled. "Well¡­since you pointed that out¡­" he said pausing for a moment. Marley landed on his face again, having been thrown out of the convention entirely by security. "You guys suck! I didn¡¯t even have to sneak in, nobody told me I had to pay ten bucks for a bracelet. That''s just bad planning. You''re organizational skills are a joke!" he said brushing off his knees and removing his armor. "Marley?" asked a familiar voice. "Uka?" he asked, squinting at what appeared to be a red and blue pony costume. She took off her headpiece and looked even redder then her costume. "What are you doing here?" she asked. "Well, I may have been following you, but in my defense you stole Captain Lawg''s booze so I had reason to suspicion something was off. Believe me I wished I hadn''t now." he said popping his back. "What did you think I was doing?" she asked. "I dunno. You were being pretty suspicious and I really don¡¯t know you that well¡­as I have now confirmed and ironically elevated." "You can''t tell the Captain." she begged "Just¡­what the hell is this? Please tell me it''s not a sex-thing." he said "Well, I can''t speak for everyone, but most of us, no." "Then¡­just¡­why?" he asked. "You wouldn¡¯t understand, you''re already furry." "Doesn¡¯t that sort of make me an expert?" he asked. "It''s not just the costumes or the games. I feel like myself here. People understand me. Here, people don¡¯t think I''m strange or weird." "We live on a spaceship and encounter aliens every other day. What could possibly be weirder than¡­oh right the pony thing. But if you weren''t already a pony, then how would you be different¡­I''m confused." "I can''t explain it. This makes me happy, people get me here." she explained. "But you hate people¡­and being happy pisses you off." he reminded. "Not everyone. I''m just pissed because the Captain is a dick-head and he dumps all the work on me." she explained. "That and he did sorta abduct you¡­why don¡¯t you just stay somewhere, why put up with it?" he asked. "I don¡¯t have any choice. I can''t stay anywhere very long¡­they might¡­recognize me." "Okay, I''m gonna let you try that again with details cuz I''m just going back and forth here." "I¡­sort of have a criminal record." "For what? Mood swings and pony magic?" "No, Armed robbery. I didn¡¯t do it. I was at a convention and dressed as Ocean-Fury and apparently so was someone else. Nobody can seem to tell my kind apart anyway and you add the same costume and it just makes it worse. That bitch got away with 20,000 credits and I got arrested for it. They couldn¡¯t prove anything, so under the laws of that planet, I got 30 days and tagged." she said holding her wrist out. "Dude¡­not cool. Don¡¯t they have to actually have proof or something to convict you?" he asked. "Well, it was Planet Utah, so to be convicted you just have to be a woman." she noted. "Oh yea, your lucky they didn¡¯t burn you as a witch. Didn¡¯t President Cruise try to make costumes illegal because he''s terrified of red yarn?" "Oh no, The Kaballians repealed that. Anyway, with a criminal record I can''t own property anywhere and most conventions won''t let our kind near them unless you have papers vouching from your spouse. It¡¯s a sexist Universe." she explained. "You got the Captain to sign a fake marriage license so you could get in, didn¡¯t you?" he asked. "That termite-brain will sign anything if you say you want his autograph. I told him it was for my sister. I don¡¯t even have a sister." "So you just found the only Captain dumb enough to not ask for papers, but it only lets you attend if he is on the same planet. Explains why you stick around." he shrugged. "No Captain with a working brain would hire the "Furry Bandit", and I''d rather keep moving than have to rent and register. You know how much rentals cost if you have a record?" "Valid point. So what now?" he asked. "What do you want? I don¡¯t have any money." she sighed. "No I wasn¡¯t blackmailing you. I don¡¯t want money; I just want to get you to vouch for me so I can get back in. These wierdos are fascinating and hilarious, and the food is pretty good. I am totally writing a book on this. Delmarian''s would have a laughing fit, hairless primates wearing rainbow fur, it''s priceless. I''ll keep your secret, and as a favor for a friend you can get me back in so I can make fun of humans in pony costumes. You can''t get this kind of entertainment on Delmar." he grinned. "Only if you Promise not to make another scene and get me kicked out. I don¡¯t need that attention." she said holding out a hoof to shake. He shook it. The Captain laid prone, staring at the ceiling as if he was trying to burn a hole in the hull, watching the fan awkwardly spin as his head did the same. ¡°So¡­breakfast?¡± asked Duffy. He just stared blankly as if he had made a horrible mistake, mostly because he had. ¡°Well, I¡¯m getting breakfast, so if you want anything let me know before I sit down to eat it.¡± she said standing up, bare-assed naked. He sat up and grabbed her wrist. ¡°This never happened.¡± He said looking both terrified and pale. ¡°Like you never woke up with a crewman before.¡± she scoffed. ¡°Duffy¡­I love your work around here, you fix a mean omelets and you know your way around a shuttle repair¡­but if you say one word of this to anyone¡­I will boot you out the airlock. That is not playful dialogue, I will shove you into an airlock and do a flyby of the nearest moon or planet and I will not land, I will hover, and pop the lever and take off. Do you understand me?¡± he asked. ¡°Right¡­like you could force me into an airlock.¡± She chuckled. ¡°But seriously it¡¯s not a big deal. I am very discreet, if asked.¡± she smiled. ¡°What about ordered by a superior officer?¡± he asked bluntly. ¡°Lighten up, Lawgman. I wont taint you spotless record of scoring bimbos weighing under a buck 20.¡± She said. His serious expression yielded a slight smirk. ¡°You''re smiling cuz I said taint¡­aren''t you?¡± she asked. ¡°Maybe¡­yea. Doesn¡¯t matter, business as usual.¡± He said putting on his pants and jumping as he heard the docking port open and footsteps. He sprinted and dove head-first into his bunk. Uka and Marley entered the ship cautiously and Captain Lawg climbed out pretending to be just waking up¡­alone. He nervously hopped out and pretended to be startled. ¡°Oh hey there, didn¡¯t see you, just taking a nap in my bunk alone by myself as usual without anyone around. I see Duffy just now got back as well, so yea, good timing everyone. So¡­I¡¯m gonna shower and we can get under-way.¡± He said, stumbling and falling into some of the party-debris. ¡°Uka¡­it appears the gaggle of attractive hoes I have brought aboard made a bit of a clutter¡­can you take care of this?¡± he asked politely-ish. ¡°Yea sure¡­can I unpack my things first?¡± she asked suspiciously. ¡°Sure. No rush.¡± He said heading to the shower. Uka and Marley strolled to their bunks and put away the cases, exchanging a smirk or two. ¡°I had fun.¡± She said. ¡°Me too, you¡¯re okay for a humanoid, and your friends are entertaining to watch. By the way, the captain is acting pretty weird, that¡¯s not just me, right?¡± he asked. ¡°Oh no, I noticed it. Pretty sure him and Duffy are screwin.¡± She said peering at the nude Duffy in the kitchen. ¡°Oh yea, makes sense now. They are totally screwin.¡± He grinned.¡± ¡°Well, I better clean up the cans before Captain Lawg loses his good mood.¡± She said locking her bunk and heading to the back for trash bags. The Captain dried off and came out of the shower stall, looking around for Duffy. He spotted her in the den, watching cartoons. ¡°Hey, um¡­sorry I kinda lost it back there. I just have a reputation to uphold and I don¡¯t want the chain of command to break down.¡± He said. ¡°So it has nothing to do with me being fat?¡± she grinned. ¡°Oh absolutely that also. I can¡¯t be seen with anything less than a 9, and I was serious about the airlock thing too. I just wanted to make sure we were cool about this whole¡­thing.¡± He said discreetly. ¡°Like anyone would care¡­those two are totally screwin too.¡± she yawned. ¡°Really? Geese, how can you tell?¡± he asked making a face of disgust. ¡°They arrived together, she is smiling for the first time since I¡¯ve known her, and they are wearing the same clothes.¡± She explained. ¡°Maybe they didn¡¯t bring a change.¡± ¡°Awfully big suitcase for having no change of clothes. plus she has hairs all over her. So I think they have their own secret to worry about, probably won''t even suspect a thing.¡± ¡°Gross¡­and I thought I had a lapse in judgment. Slummin with a thick 5 is one thing, at least we are practically the same species. Ugh, I don¡¯t wanna think about them.¡± he said, waving down the offer of eggs-over-flop with toast and something analogous to ham. It wasn¡¯t ham, but it resembled ham. don¡¯t question it. ¡°Space is weird¡­weird things happen in space.¡± She said with a mouthful of breakfast and an eyebrow raised. ¡°Engines at mark 2, lets get out of this place, bad juju.¡± Lawg said. ¡°Sir, we don¡¯t have a Mark 2 engine, I can just¡­ throttle up, if that¡¯s good enough.¡± she suggested. ¡°And put on some clothes, Captain LaCroix, you¡¯re gonna give the bunny a heart-attack.¡± He suggested, still awkwardly diverting his eyes and heading to wherever he was dramatically trudging. ¡°Yes, Commodore!¡± she whimsically saluted. He walked past the bunks and stopped, spotting a small tuft of fur left sprinkled on Uka¡¯s bedding.¡± ¡°Don¡¯t even wanna know what is in that suitcase. Damn, woman¡­thought you had better tastes than that.¡± he said shaking his head.