《The Tin Man》


 One Shot: My Day

    Caught myself thinking life was not so bad. I¡¯m sitting on a plane wearing silk shorts instead of pants. I have a tinfoil helmet on, with the eyes cut out. Some green slippers from Bali. None of this is illegal. Either that, or no one in the airline industry cares anymore. When I turn my head I¡¯m always a little afraid part of my helmet will fall off- the construction is rather flimsy. Now- is someone going to tell me to put my shirt back on? Apparently not. Even the professor in the seat next to me is not looking- he¡¯s too focused on his little tablet world over there.


    Why is no one else laughing at this movie? When I see something funny I laugh ¨Cout loud. Sometimes I¡¯ll like hit the seat in front of me if it¡¯s really funny. Is no one allowed to laugh at something?


    The first thing you have to do when you get on a plane is take your shoes off. I¡¯m doing that right now. Try to grip the carpet with your toes.


    Look, I¡¯m going to take a walk. We¡¯ll see how well this goes over. What, are they going to arrest me for wearing a tin helmet? Listen, professor, I¡¯m going to need to step over your little tablet party.


    Something¡¯s wrong though. I think I forgot my cell phone back in the airport bathroom. Otherwise I¡¯d be taking a selfie right now with my lovely fellow flyers.


    Oh, it¡¯s so quiet now without my headphones plugged in. Cable just swinging as I navigate down the aisle. I think these big headphones are helping to keep the helmet on actually. Okay let me interview some of these people. Hello, miss, is this seat taken? Yes? Well maybe your ¡°husband¡± won¡¯t mind if I ask you a few questions. Did you just say you were going to pepper-spray my face? Well I know you¡¯re not because we¡¯re on an AIRPLANE. You don¡¯t pepper-spray in close quarters. Plus I have a HELMET on. And that ¡ªAAEEEIIIIEEEEE!!! My fucking eyes!! You¡¯re killin¡¯ me! Stop spraying that! Stop spraying that! ¡­MAN!!


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    Okay, I¡¯m in pain but I¡¯m calming down. Calming down. Where did she go? I close my eyes for a second and she¡¯s gone.


    Now wait a second, where is everyone else from this part of the plane? Where did they all go? Okay, well watch this. I¡¯m pressing the flight attendant button repeatedly. When someone gets here I¡¯m going to ask for some coffee and a slice of pie. All I need is some coffee and pie to enjoy my life for once.


    Now this started out as a good day. Actually no, I¡¯m lying. It started out as a terrible day. I kind of had a fit. Let¡¯s just say I did a lot of things I¡¯ll pretty much regret the rest of my life. So yes, started bad then turned good when I found this tinfoil.


    You know, I¡¯m just going to sit here and wait. Sooner or later someone is going to have to bring me some coffee. If not, I¡¯ll demand a refund. You know, I¡¯m kind of coming down now. First I was up here, then I was plateauing, then I started coming down. This helmet is sweaty and it¡¯s cutting into my face. It¡¯s these headphones that are so annoying. Get these headphones off me! That¡¯s better.


    Listen, it¡¯s getting a little creepy. I think I just saw someone peek from behind that curtain. They¡¯re leaving it kind of dark over here ¨CI know why. Silver headgear looks way better in the dark. Especially if you just had to throw it together the day of.


    Why do I feel like we¡¯re landing?


    Why do I feel like I¡¯m being surrounded by a bunch of cops? Maybe because I am. Well, it¡¯s been nice talking to you. We¡¯ll have to get together at some other juncture- some time when I¡¯m not being dragged down the aisle by a bunch of pimple-faced teenagers in SWAT gear. Look, let¡¯s talk then ¨Cokay?