《Wishful Thinking》


 1 - I cant die

    Nil was bored of life. Every day, every night ¡ª it was all a blur of mediocrity. Really, he thought, why couldn''t I be somewhere more exciting?


    That''s not to say he was doing poorly in life. He was in a fine position for someone in his position; good enough grades, relatively active social life, a mostly normal family, and no issues with money. Just a very average life. What else could you wish for?


    And yet, when he read his books, watched his anime, there was always a nagging feeling; a yearning. If he took a step back, he would recognize that the lives of the characters he looked up to really weren''t that great. But he didn''t care. It was the kind of irrational thinking that people his age did.


    He never let his dreams leak into his life. No, he kept it all bottled up. He was lucky, he really was, and he knew it. But sometimes, the mediocrity, the boringness, the sameness started to wear on him.


    This was one of those times. He was sleepily watching the pilot of a new anime. From what he could tell, it was the very epitome of genericness. A fantasy setting, with heroes and villains cast very clearly black and white, and probably a harem to go with it. Trash, essentially.


    I wouldn''t even mind trash, he contemplated. Just something different.


    He sighed and stood up, mumbling to himself. "But there''s no way that would¡ª"


    Wanna try?


    His vision blinked out. There was nothing, and then static. Did I pass out?, he wondered.


    Just when he was about to get worried, his vision came back to him. What did not come back, however, was his room. Instead, he was surrounded by rugged stones and a very blue sky.


    He recognized his surroundings immediately: it was the show he was just watching.


    "No way," he mouthed, awe in his voice. It was exactly what he had wanted. Questions were quickly appearing in his mind, but he silenced them all; he was here, and that''s all that mattered.


    He looked up at the sky. "I do want to try. I''ll play your roles, but don''t expect me to be a fool." He waited for a minute. "No response, huh?"


    He turned his head; he heard screams coming from a cave etched into the one of the great cliffs that spanned across the area.


    "I get to play the hero already? Well, I have no complaints," he mumbled, whistling as he waltzed into cave, not a single worry in his mind.


    The cave was pitch black, but Nil jaunted forwards, knowing that the Gods or the writer would set him on the right path. Sure enough, he felt a hand grab onto his shirt and drag him into a crevice.


    "Hi. Are you trying to kill me or not?"


    "Shhh!" the figure hissed, putting a finger on his mouth.


    He nodded in understand and began to whisper.


    "So, are you male or female?"


    "What? T-that''s not important! What are you doing here?"


    "Given the situation, I''m assuming there is a monster or some sort of enemy here. I am therefore here to rescue you. Please be a girl."


    "Rescue? Are you a warrior?"


    "Nope."


    "A priest?"


    "Nope."


    "Then how do you expect to be able to kill a darkling?"


    He thought for a moment. "Who knows. By the way, are you a girl? I mean, it''s fine either way, but..."


    The figure sighed and sank back against one of the walls. "If you truly wish to know, I am a maiden of Corvo." She sighed again. "I never expected to die here and with an idiot."


    "Do you have a name? It''ll make the writers job easier if they don''t have to write ''figure'' every time."


    "Writers? What insanity are you blabbing about..." She sighed again. She felt that she''d been doing that a lot recently. "Alice. It''s Alice."


    "Of the Wonderland variety?"


    She ignored him.


    "...anyway, where is this monster of yours?"


    She thought for a moment. "It... it should be down the tunnel somewhere. But it will likely sense us the moment we exit this crevice."


    "Okay, can you be more precise than ''somewhere''? Like point in the direction?"


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    She pointed to his left.


    "Alright, see ya."


    "Wait," she said, grabbing his arm. "What are you doing?"


    "What do you mean? I''m going to kill it, of course."


    "Kill it!? You have no chance! You will most assuredly die!"


    "Ah, but that''s where you''re wrong," he said, pulling her arm off. "I can''t die."


    "Huh...?"


    "See, this is the first episode. I can''t die until at least the penultimate one."


    She continued to stare him blankly.


    "Yeah, I don''t expect you to get it. But that''s alright. Just sit tight, I''ll save you."


    He started running in the direction she pointed at.


    "Hey, stop," she protested, but by the time she had reacted, he was already gone. "Geez, what a lunatic," she mumbled, sitting back down. "Well, if he dies, it''s his fault. Not my problem at all."


    She contemplated for a minute.


    "Definitely not my problem."


    "Definitely."


    "Ah, damn it! It''s my fault for pointing in the right direction," she screamed, pulling at her hair. She stood up and started running after him.


    She found him scrunched against a wall, blood and scratches covering his body. He looked up and said, "I was pretty quick, huh?"


    "What are you talking about, you''re about to die!"


    "Exactly. This is one of those shows where I need to lose before I can win, so I needed to get beat up as quickly as possible."


    She heard something roar a little ways away.


    "This is no time for your stupidity, get up. We''re going to make a run for it."


    "If you could just run away from it, then you wouldn''t be in this predicament in this first place."


    She bit her lip. "That''s true, but..."


    "Oh, it''s here."


    "Damn it," she murmured, turning around.


    She could see the darkling''s grotesque figure stalk closer, dragging it''s great club along the ground. She could see only one way out of this; it wasn''t likely to work, but there would be no hope for either of them if she didn''t.


    She stood in front of him and spread out her arms. "I am the one you want, am I not? Kill me and spare the boy."


    Nil laughed. The scenario was perfect. Any second now, any second...


    His mind was enveloped in a white light.


    Does thou wish for power?


    "What if I said no? ...I''m just kidding, sure, I want power."


    Then sign the contract, human...


    "Can I get professional legal counsel first? Does this thing make me evil? Ah, whatever. Sure, I''ll sign the contract."


    The pact is bound. Thou shalt be given a weapon suitable for thy heart.


    The light retracted and the darkness of the cave returned, but he felt something in his hand. It was... a handgun. He frowned.


    "Does this thing even have a caliber high enough?" he murmured as he turned it over in his hand.


    He shrugged. If it didn''t, he would die, so it must be special or something. He staggered up and placed a hand on Alice''s shoulder.


    "It''ll probably be fine now. I made a contract with God or something."


    "Shut up and run!"


    He ignored her and took aim at the lumbering figure ahead. He pressed the trigger.


    Nothing happened.


    He took a look and sighed.


    "Seriously? Even guns made by God have safety locks, apparently."


    He turned the safety off and tried again. This time, a bright beam of light shot out from the barrel. It pierced through the monster, a gaping hole appearing in it''s torso. The thing screamed and thrashed in pain.


    Nil continued to fire, aiming at the head, but it''s erratic movements proved landing a shot to be difficult. Finally, one landed, and where once the thing''s head stood, there was nothing. The monster went limp and quickly crashed into the ground.


    Alice looked over with shock. "You... you actually¡ª"


    "Oh, it''s about time for me collapse. I think I lost too much blood. Please catch me¡ª" he said, as, sure enough, he collapsed onto Alice, who also fell down with the sudden weight.

 2 - Fat, Ugly, Evil and Cowardly

    Nil opened his eyes. He lying in bed in a sparely furnished room. Alice was sitting in a chair next to him.


    "You alright?" Alice asked.


    "Just dandy. Where am I?" he asked, sitting up.


    "In a guest room in my house."


    "Oh yeah, I collapsed. Did you carry me all the way here?"


    "Yes, I did." She didn''t look too happy about it.


    "Well, thanks." He yawned. "I''m guessing you have questions."


    She nodded. "What is that... thing," she asked, pointing to the gun on a table nearby.


    "It''s a revolver, and apparently it fires magical light beams that melt orcs."


    She made a face as if that really didn''t answer her question.


    "Did you have that with you the whole time?"


    He shook his head. "Nope. At the critical moment, God summoned me or something and made me sign a contract."


    "Then... are you a hero?"


    "Considering I have no idea what a hero is, you''d have to decide that one."


    She thought for a minute. "It all fits..."


    "Could you perhaps... explain what a hero is? Actually, let me guess: it''s a guy who makes a contract with God to obtain a sacred weapon and who is then duty-bound to kill monsters."


    "That is... correct," she said, startled.


    "Not a single original thought, damn," he mumbled.


    "You don''t know what a hero is? Speaking of that, where are you from? You wear strange clothes, and don''t seem to know things you should. Are you a foreigner?"


    "I''m from another dimension, or maybe I''m dreaming, or something. Who knows, I don''t."


    "Another dimension? That is a ridiculous statement... but then again..."


    He slapped her on the back. "Ah, don''t worry about it. I''m not."


    As soon as she did, her face twisted in annoyance.


    "Hah... if you were any other man in this village..." she said, looking as if she was holding back her anger.


    "Hmm?"


    "It... it is fine since you do not know the customs, but know this: I am a maiden of Corvo, and the only man who is allowed to touch me is my future husband. You would normally have your hands cut off, but I will not mention this incident in light of your ignorance."


    "Really? So... I can''t do something like this?" he asked, poking her in the arm.


    "What are you doing!?" she yelled, recoiling. "Do you have a death wish!?"


    "Oh, but I can''t die, remember? Blessed by the writer. So, you know what that means?"


    "W-what?"


    He smirked. "The only option is to marry me!"


    Her face reddened. "I-I''m not m-m-marrying you! You, you idiot!" She quickly grabbed a box from the table and threw it at him. Then, she marched out, huffing that, "I-I''ll going to get the Disciplinary committee! Stop laughing, damn it!"


    After she''d slammed the door shut, he stretched his arms out and yawned.


    "Well, that was fun. Back to sleeping."


    By the time he woke up, the sun had begun to rise, it''s rays spilling through the window next to him. He heard a knock on the door.


    "Yeah, I''m awake. Come in."


    It was Alice, and she was holding a bowl of soup. "Have you fully recovered?"


    He stared intently at the soup. "So that''s the Disciplinary committee, huh... okay, okay, I''ll shut up, don''t throw that at me! Geez, that would really sting..."


    She set the soup down onto the table next to his bed. "It''s your fault for being so annoying. So, are you?"


    "Huh? Oh, yeah, I''m fine now. It wouldn''t be very exciting if I had to spend a month recovering from broken ribs every time I fought."


    "Heroes truly do recover quickly..." she mumbled. "Anyway, after you finish eating, come with me to the Elder. He wishes to speak with you."


    "Alright," he said, eating a spoonful of soup. "This is surprisingly good. Did you make it?"


    "I-I did... erm, thank you, I guess..." she said, fidgeting a bit.


    "Glad you''re my wife."


    "Don''t bring that up again!" she yelled, looking for something to throw. Unfortunately, there was nothing within reach. Instead, she sent him a glare and stomped out.


    "Hmm," he contemplated, "maybe I shouldn''t piss her off so early in the day..."


    After he finished, he stretched, placed his apparently godly revolver into his pocket, and met up with Alice in the common room. They set off for the Elder''s house.


    He looked around; there was nothing but sandstone and blue skies for as far as he could see. It was a significantly more... western environment than he''d expected. Wasn''t this generic fantasy?


    On the way, there were a few boys chasing each other with sticks. One of them fell down and looked as if he was about to cry. Alice quickly rushed over to comfort him.


    "Weren''t men forbidden to touch you?" Nil asked when they had left.


    She made a face. "Well, they are, but they''re just kids, right? It should be fine..." She looked at him accusingly. "You''re not going to tell anyone, are you?"


    He held up his hands defensively. "Don''t worry about that, my alignment is chaotic good."


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    She continued to glare at him.


    "Okay, okay, I swear I won''t tell anyone."


    After that, she relented.


    "Geez. Hey, didn''t you touch me when we were in that cave? And didn''t you carry me here?"


    "Those were emergency situations. It couldn''t be helped."


    "Oh, that''s convenient."


    After a while, they reached the Elder''s house. It was... a small building, though larger than the rest, if marginally. Inside, the Elder greeted them. He was, as could be expected, an old, graying man.


    "Welcome," he said, reaching out to shake Nil''s hand.


    "Hi, nice to meet you," he replied.


    "So you are the one Alice was speaking of..."


    "Yep, I''m the one who''s ma¡ª"


    She stepped on his foot.


    "¡ªmanaged to save her from a generic monster."


    "Indeed, if you have the ability to defeat a darkling single-handedly, then you must be one of the chosen."


    "Definitely chosen."


    "A hero in our village; that is not something that happens often. We will offer any possible hospitality, though that may not be much. I can only apologize for that¡ªwe are small, not suited for the likes of you."


    "Nah, it''s alright. I do have some questions, though. Not sure if she told you this, but I need someone to spout pages of exposition, and it looks like it''ll be you."


    "Questions, hmm... ask away."


    "She mentioned something about being a ''Maiden of Corvo''. Is that related to any particular religion?"


    "Yes, we all worship our lord, Corvo."


    "I see. So there is a church then, and the church has a hierarchy, no?"


    "You are correct. The high ranking members of the Church are gifted by our lord to lead the holy knights, who, with our lord''s blessing, have the ability to vanquish the forces of dark."


    "Can anyone kill these darklings?"


    The Elder shook his head. "No, only weapons dipped in the sacred waters of Corvo may harm them. That... and the weapons created by Corvo himself."


    "Oh, you mean this thing?" he asked, taking the revolver out. "Your god really cares about safety. Revolvers don''t usually come with safety locks."


    "That is your sacred weapon, is it not? I must thank you; if Alice had died, we would be in quite dire straights..."


    "Oh? Speaking of that, is there anything nearby to kill? Monsters? Bandits?"


    The Elder looked troubled. "We have been... harassed by groups of darklings lately, but you need not concern yourself with that."


    "And why is that?"


    "A priest of Corvo should be coming sometime today. In fact, he should arrive right about now... His soldiers will eradicate the demons on his way."


    "Coming? ...let me guess, he''s marrying Alice, is he not?"


    "How did you know?" Alice asked, shocked.


    "How would I not know? The ''pure maiden'' thing has been addressed so much recently that this was obvious."


    "You are correct," the Elder said.


    He turned and asked Alice, "Have you met the guy?"


    "Well, er, uh..."


    "Let me guess: he''s fat, ugly, evil or cowardly."


    "Uh..."


    "All of the above? Damn. Well, it''s not Ramsay Bolton, I guess. And you hate the guy but you have to marry him because else wise the town will be destroyed by the monster-thingies."


    "It''s my duty!" she protested.


    He face-palmed. "Oh god, really..."


    "Elder! He''s here!" a voice yelled from the outside.


    The old man coughed. "Well, it appears the priest has arrived. Shall we greet him? And you, hero, are invited, of course."


    "Sure, I have nothing better to do."


    They all stepped outside, where a white carriage had stopped on the street outside the house. It was surrounded by several mounted knights, all of whom looked rather intimidating.


    The carriage door opened and a predictably fat man appeared. He scanned the area until he found Alice. "Ah, you must be my new wife."


    Nil rolled his eyes. "Damn, he looks like Jabba the Hut. Smells like him too."


    "Come, Alice... we have much to discuss..." he said, beckoning with his thick fingers.


    "A-alright," she said, slowly walking forward.


    "You know, I would kill you if I didn''t want to stay true to the plot."


    "What!? Who said that!? Kill? ME!?" the priest screamed.


    Nil pointed at himself. "I said it."


    "Y-you¡ª! Abram, arrest him!"


    One of the knights dismounted and whispered something into the priest''s ears.


    "What!? You? A hero?"


    "You''re lucky this is aimed at adolescents. You can''t do anything too rapey... Else, you''d be dead."


    The priest looked as if he was fuming, but he didn''t dare to say anything.


    "Ah, whatever. I''m going to go chill somewhere." He looked over to the Elder. "Something bad is going to happen. When that happens, give me a call."


    He walked off, muttering about, "Damn old fat NTR bastards..."