《I Went To Hell》


 Going To Hell

    I¡¯m going to go ahead and piss off every religion on Earth. They were all wrong. It¡¯s not like I have anything against them, hell, I was a devoted Christian until I had my faith taken away from me with a single wave of the hand. I was 34. I had been an author, and I was getting by with life. I wasn¡¯t mega popular, but about half of my town had read my books. I had a girlfriend, and I had a dog named Kiemi, after my first laptop as a child. I had a car, too, my pride and joy. Well, I was proud of the engine. She could get up to 165 mph, although she looked kind of run down from the outside. But it was taken away from me.


    I lived in a medium sized city, it was no Chicago, but it wasn¡¯t a backwoods place where McDonalds was considered fine dining. It was called Sherry. Although this was where I was born, I died away from home.


    I was on a business trip. Ok, ok, I was going to get an autograph for a book by my favorite author. It wasn¡¯t the one I was hoping for, an ending to a trilogy, but it was instead a side story about one of the most mystical characters. The point is, I really wanted the author to sign it. So I left home, going to Houston, Texas for the book signing. And when I departed¡­ well, when my soul departed, I still hadn¡¯t gotten the book signed. I hadn¡¯t even gotten to sightsee at all, because I was killed right after leaving the airport. I mean, seriously. I leave home, drive for an hour to find an airport in the next town over, fly for 3 hours, then I reach my destination. Can I say it? I really want to say it. Ok, to hell with it- literally. It was my final destination. Awkward silence. Hahaha, all a part of my diabolical scheme to kill off the people of the world with bad jokes and inappropriate puns. Begin operation now.


    Where was I? Oh yeah, so I got off the plane, got my small overnight bag- even though I would be staying for 2 days. I was going to wear the clothes for both days. Yeah, you don¡¯t want to mess with me- and I left the airport. I was finally in the city, heading to a 3-star hotel to crash in, called the State House Inn. Funny, I can¡¯t remember the name of my cousins, but I can remember the name of the hotel that I never even ended up stepping a foot inside of.


    Regardless, I was just walking towards the hotel, when a guy came out of an ally- I probably shouldn¡¯t have been walking around an ally at night, but I was a country bumpkin who isn¡¯t used to their being bad people in the world, so I died. Not sound very climactic to you? That¡¯s because it wasn¡¯t. There was no, ¡°Tell my family¡­ I love them¡­¡±. There never really is, I suppose. The guy- I can¡¯t remember his face, even though he was probably the most important man in my life¡­ that is, in ending it- stepped out of the darkness and with a rusty knife- he could at least be sanitary, right?!- and slit my throat. I don¡¯t blame him. After all, I don¡¯t know what circumstances he was in. He could be killing me and robbing me so that he could be feeding his diabetic child. There are lots of people with worse lives than me¡­ excuse me, with worse deaths than me, and I can¡¯t control that. So who cares! Plus, without him killing me, I wouldn¡¯t be able to write this amazing book that would surely be a best seller if it ever hit my world, about my adventures!


    So anyway, I died, but things didn¡¯t happen instantly. My soul waited for a bit, as if unsure, before finally floating away. But it didn¡¯t go into the sky. It went down. I was going to hell.


    Maybe that sounds a bit dramatic. What I mean is, we all go to hell. Sorry. This is where I expect a lot of you to stop reading due to religious purposes, but please bear with me. You see, heaven and hell do exist- take that, Atheists- but there is a tiny difference between reality and belief. Heaven and hell are one and the same. Well, rather, it is not a believed, ¡®if you sacrifice to the gods on every solstice then you go to heaven¡¯ or, ¡®as long as you are a good person, and believe in god, you go to heaven¡¯. It¡¯s much different.


    But, just to tick your off, I won¡¯t tell you what heaven and hell are like yet, but I will at least tell you what the heaven/hell mix is called. The gods- yes, there are multiple, sorry, monotheists- named it the Necropolis.


    And yes, all gods are that dramatic. Don¡¯t ask me how I know, that¡¯s for later. To get back on track, I was drifting down through the earth, when I felt a tugging sensation. It wasn¡¯t on my body though; it wasn¡¯t even physical. It felt like my brain was urging me to go somewhere, like I had to go there. My soul image/myself- wait¡­ why was I an antelope?! It¡¯s probably something like ¡®I was an antelope in a past life¡¯ or ¡®the antelope resonates with my soul¡¯. I don¡¯t know, even after all that¡¯s happened, the universe is too strange to be comprehended.


    Are you starting to think I¡¯m absent minded yet? Because if you are, then¡­ screw you! My book, I¡¯m writing what I damn well please. So if you want to keep reading, be my guest, just put up with my side notes and snide remarks. Even if you¡¯re right, it¡¯s still hurtful.


    This book''s true home is on another platform. Check it out there for the real experience.	So¡­ drifting through the earth¡­ spirit antelope being pulled to an unknown world¡­ a bunch of stuff I¡¯m too lazy to record¡­ and now I¡¯m ruler of a universe that still sends disasters my way just to irritate me¡­ just kidding¡­ well¡­ for some of it. Towards the beginning of my adventure as a spirit antelope, I was just drifting through a bunch of odd colors that reminded me of the time vortex from Doctor Who- you should watch it, I¡¯m at least 3000 years old, I¡¯ve lost count, and I still love it-. Eventually, shapes started to be formed from the colors, turning into people I knew and places I¡¯d been. I even saw myself once, just a glimpse. Mostly it seemed like memories I had of my own, quiet life. I couldn¡¯t help but be curious, but after hours of flipping through my dull life, I got bored. Although I didn¡¯t remember most of it, so it was new, my life and my reality was not a TV show.


    The colors started growing brighter, although it didn¡¯t hurt my spirit antelope¡¯s eyes, and started compressing majorly, leaving behind black nothingness, while a pinprick of pure white light floated before me.


    I suddenly felt a humongous suction coming from the white light, as if it was a reverse black hole, and I was sucked in. Where I¡¯d found myself after-words was shocking. It was like a judge¡¯s court, without the jury, so a bench trial. But instead of a podium, there was just a man standing there. Did I mention that his skin glowed blue? Well, that¡¯s probably because he doesn¡¯t. His skin glowed red, yellow, and orange, with the colors distorting like a flame. He held in his hand the same white bead that I had come in through. I noticed that I was back in my human spirit form, but¡­


    ¡°That¡¯s odd, normally people appear clothed, because that¡¯s what¡¯s most natural to them. Do you have any odd tendencies that I should be aware of, that somehow eluded the spirit orb?¡± I was naked. And apparently I was very natural being naked. Granted, I didn¡¯t feel all that awkward being in front of some celestial fire spirit immortal person thingy.


    ¡°Umm¡­ I don¡¯t think I do anything too weird¡­ uh¡­ and you are?¡± I deflected. I admit it. I admit that I deflected, and I refuse to admit to anything else.


    He smiled calmly, like this was all normal. ¡°Anyway, so this is the orb containing all of your memories and impacts on the world, blah, blah blah, blah blah. Reading it, I judge that you shall start off with an ability to know all languages immediately and instinctively, and the ability to enrage people with a bad joke. You have a major earth affinity for being a mage, and a major spatial affinity for becoming a warrior. Your minor affinities for becoming a mage include water and life, and for becoming a warrior, fire and wind. Remember that, will you? Also, due to your complete lack of guilt for anything you do, I grant you the title, Shameless, which will be marked down on your history. To explain what this is, it is the afterlife. Known to the gods as the Necropolis, and to the dead as hell. There are 9 levels of hell, you must overcome each. Level 9 is the easiest level to overcome, and they get harder as you get closer to 1. Once you overcome all 9, you are sent to the 10th level that is separate from the other 9, known to the dead as heaven, and to the gods as home. Once you make it to level 10, you become a god, with a varying power level. For example, I used to be a salamander, but my soul overcame the 9 levels of hell, and I became a fire affinity warrior god upon reaching the 10th level. Now I am gatekeeper, sending new souls to the 9th level of the Necropolis. Because I like how natural you are through all of this, I will give you the extra ability of . Due to extra surveying of your life style, I will upgrade the skill to enrage people with bad jokes, and make it so that you can influence any kind of mood with words, and with potent enough words, enthrall a victim into the emotion your words generated. They won¡¯t be able to leave the state unless you use words for an opposite effect. However, not only does the person need to have a weaker will than you, if the wrong words are picked then the opposite effect will occur. That will be all, I am now sending you into the 9th level of the Necropolis. See you when you become a god. Or when you¡¯re reincarnated and then die again.¡± Woah. Wait¡­ wait¡­ processing¡­ okay, got it. The afterlife wasn¡¯t as expected, rather, you had to defeat the 9 levels of hell to reach heaven, only power will help you. Although, I was curious as well. What tribulations would I have to overcome to defeat the levels?


    Also, I kind of loved some of my abilities. For example, I could enthrall people with words?! How cool was that! I¡¯m pretty sure that I was given a bone there, if I got this, then what would great poets receive? A Dementia title? Or is that just the ones that I read? Whatever.

 Ch 2~ In The Blink Of An Eye

    Author''s Note: This chapter is an unimportant one: I''m basically explaining some things, it''s seriously not important. It just sums up what happens in the first 16 years of his life in Hell, and some of the layout of the 9th level. It''s just about him leaving.


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    The world around me distorted, and a circle flared up around me. Everything had gone black, and I found myself flailing around and crying. Everything was bright, so bright, and I was used to the peaceful dim. There was so much noise and stimulation, I was overwhelmed. Then I realized that my eyes were open, a woman in a white gown was holding me, and I was looking up. I wriggled my head around, to see a woman panting. To see my mother panting. It looked like reincarnation happened as well. I was a baby.


    Calming down, I stopped crying and examined my body. Whew, I wasn¡¯t female. I¡¯m glad this wasn¡¯t that kind of story. I had wisps of black hair on my head, my skin was slowly becoming less blue, and I was a lanky baby, with long arms and not much baby fat. Internally groaning, I mumbled to myself, ¡°Aw, man, I¡¯m going to be one of those kids? The ones that are really awkward looking no matter what they do, and everyone assumes they¡¯re nerds instantly just looking at them? Sure, it¡¯s what I was on Earth, but I at least didn¡¯t look like it!¡±


    I¡¯m going to skip the next 16 years of my life because they¡¯re so~ boring. I¡¯m going to summarize all that happened here in about a page.


    I already knew the language, it just kind of converted itself into English in my head, so no problem there. Also, I could just speak and they understood me, which I didn¡¯t understand at first, but now I get that it¡¯s because I subconsciously started speaking in the language they were, Erotopian. Of course, I could only talk fluently once I had all of my teeth, at about 3 or 4. I trained my body ever since I was 1, and could move my limbs around well enough. By the time I was 10, I looked like I was 15 without the pimples. I made no friends, sticking to the idea of training at a young age, and I copied what I had read in light novels, trying to build of qi and mana. I found that meditation worked for building mana, but exercise naturally built up qi. However, my talent for qi building was a lot less effective than I was with training mana. I assume it¡¯s because I only have a minor spatial affinity for becoming a warrior, but I had a high earth affinity for becoming a mage, according to the gatekeeper. What did the mana and qi feel like? Imagine qi being like a rock in your stomach, but not painful or solid, and mana being like a well of water in your naval, but not really there. You could feel it and where it was, but it wasn¡¯t really in your body. Our bodies are divided into two segments, spiritual and physical. Our physical body is what keeps our spirits grounded to the world, while our spiritual body is our thoughts and feelings. Our spiritual body has no substance, and contains our qi and mana, as well as our soul. I can¡¯t describe it any other way. It¡¯s like it was there without really being there. So yeah, I continued my training, occasionally hunting magical beasts in the forest and mountains around us. Magical beasts are exactly how they are described, beasts that possess magic powers, whether they are physically enhancing or mentally enhancing varies. By the time I was 16, and considered an adult, I was the most powerful person in the city, by far, as in I could defeat any one of them with just a flick of the wrist.


    So I¡¯m going to quote a xianxia I read called Coiling Dragon, and say something that anyone who read Coiling Dragon will laugh at. 16 years passed in the blink of an eye, and now, I was ready to go adventure the 9th level of the Necropolis. For those of you who haven¡¯t read Coiling Dragon, the author of it overuses ¡®in the blink of an eye¡¯ to an extent that is practically a joke. But it wouldn¡¯t be funny to you people who haven¡¯t read it. Sorry. Anyway, I didn¡¯t care if I was being foolish. It¡¯s not as if I won¡¯t get another chance eventually.


    If we continue the analogy with a pool of water being mana and a rock being qi, my qi would now be like a 10 kg stone, and my mana would be like a kitty pool. Considering that the strongest warrior in the village had a 1 kg stone as qi, and the strongest mage had a puddle of water for mana¡­ I think I was powerful enough to leave. So I did.


    I¡¯m going so summarize where I was reincarnated. Basically, it¡¯s a new world with only one huge continent, Erotopia, with the rest being an ocean. Erotopia used to be vast and powerful, a mighty kingdom, but it broke apart into a bunch of separate territories. Bandits thrived in these conditions, moving from territory to territory. Magical beasts were even better at cooperating than we were, resulting in occasional raids that brought chaos. Wars were frequently waged over petty squabbles, and our great continent was on the brink of collapse.


    I live in a territory called the Kallign Territory, and was leaving my town, Rena. I was going to head for Carnel, which is west from here, then go north to the capital of Kallign Territory, Raeburn City. There, I would join a sect or school of people that practice martial arts or magic and use their resources to gain power. Simple. From all of the xianxia I read, I would most likely have a fortunate encounter and end up either gaining a power, a skill, a talent, or an all-powerful item that allows me to swiftly take to the skies in cultivation.


    A case of content theft: this narrative is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.          Oh yeah, more on my power that I forgot about. I told you about my cultivation levels for mana and qi, but never what I could do with it. Warriors are ranked into levels, 1-9. A stage 1 warrior is someone who has at least a 1 kg stone for qi. I¡¯m a stage 2 with at least a 5 kg stone, and a 15 kg stone is a 3rd stage warrior. Stage 4 warriors have 30 kg stones, stage 5 have a 60 kg stone, and stage 6 have a 100 kg stone. Stage 7, 8, and 9 are all included together in 200, 300, and 400 kg stones. There is also a way to break through the 9th level and become a Saint class warrior, who has their stone melt into a liquid similar to qi, but flows through your blood, strengthening your body.


    As for what qi does, it¡¯s like manual adrenaline. You know the stories of grandmas lifting cars to save grandchildren, or other stuff like that? This is doing that manually, but safely. Normally it would tear up your muscles, joints, and your body in general, but qi protects your body while you unlock its power. The further you are in cultivation, the more you can push your bodies limits. A 2nd stage warrior like me can force his body to lift about 700 pounds, while a 1st stage warrior can life 550.


    Mana is like Harry Potter minus the incantations. We just think what we want to happen and it happens. If we don¡¯t have enough power to cast the spell then it draws on our life force. Life force is powerful too, so a beginner mage has the capability of casting an intermediate spell. The rankings are beginner, novice, intermediate, advanced, master, grandmaster. There are no spells, really, but magic is ranked by three factors. Complexity, range, and power. Complexity, how much do you have to imagine to create the spell. For example, a weather changing spell, you have to think what causes what weather, and imagine what needs to happen to cause that weather. Of course, that is for long range and lasting weather change, like making it snow for a week in July. If you want it to snow for a few seconds in a small area, you can of course just imagine snowfall, but it is easier to cause small changes that snowball into a large effect. That¡¯s why most mages are seen as sages and wise men. Range, how large do you want the effect to be. Adapting the earlier example, do I want it to snow in all of the Kallign territory, or do I want it to snow in my town? The larger the effect, the greater the mana consumption. Finally, power. How long do you want this effect to last, or how powerful will it be? Again with the snow, do I want to cause it to happen for a day, a week, a month, or even a year? Or with the stereotypical fireball, how much power do I want it to have? Do I want it to be a candle flame or do I want it to be a sun? The greater the power the more mana required.


    Have I talked for too long? Or actually, wrote too much? Whatever, you don¡¯t have to read that if you don¡¯t want to, but later you might be confused. And that won¡¯t be on me, this chapter is literally just about explaining stuff.


    Looking back on it, I have more to tell you regarding this stuff. I did I forget to talk about the attributes? Well, so there are 8 different attributes. Fire, water, wind, earth, light, dark, spatial, and time. Your attribute can change your proficiency for a mage and your abilities for a warrior. For mages, you are most proficient at manipulating your elemental affinity, so I would be best at manipulating the earth. For warriors, it means much more. Qi powers your body, and strengthens it so that it can endure the strain. So what happens if you strengthen a body with fire? Don¡¯t you think that you might gain some fiery characteristics, like, I don¡¯t know, lighting on fire and burning everything you touch? Or say you have my attribute, spatial, you might just start being able to teleport your weapon forward or have your enemy¡¯s weapon suddenly appear next to their own head. Time, though, is the most complex of all of the elements, and the hardest to control. Although it is super powerful, because you can randomly fast forward and either see what will happen in the near future, know what might happen in the far future, or put your spiritual body in the future to be able to move faster than normal. But you can also accidently teleport into the past or future, touch something, create a paradox, and die. So, yeah. Done.


    The area around my village was rocky and hilly, with small patches of forest every here and there. There were mountains to the south and a large river running to the east. I had only one plausible path, so West I shall go. I need to get stronger.