《Shopaholic to the Stars (Shopaholic #7)》 Page 1 OK. Don¡¯t panic. Don¡¯t panic. I¡¯ll escape from this. Of course I will. It¡¯s not like I¡¯ll be trapped here in this hideous confined space, with no hope of release, forever ¡­ is it? As calmly as possible, I assess the situation. My ribs are squashed so that I can hardly breathe, and my left arm is pinned behind me. Whoever constructed this ¡°restraining fabric¡± knew what they were doing. My right arm is also pinned, at an awkward angle. If I try to reach my hands forward, the ¡°restraining fabric¡± bites into my wrists. I¡¯m stuck. I¡¯m powerless. My face is reflected, ashen, in the mirror. My eyes are wide and desperate. My arms are crisscrossed with black shiny bands. Is one of them supposed to be a shoulder strap? Does that webbing stuff go round the waist? Oh God. I should never ever have tried on the size 4. ¡°How are you doing in there?¡± It¡¯s Mindy, the sales assistant, calling from outside the cubicle curtain, and I start in alarm. Mindy is tall and rangy, with muscled thighs that start three inches apart. She looks like she probably runs up a mountain every day and doesn¡¯t even know what a KitKat is. She¡¯s asked three times how I¡¯m doing, and each time I¡¯ve just called out shrilly, ¡°Great, thanks!¡± But I¡¯m getting desperate. I¡¯ve been struggling with this ¡°Athletic Shaping All-in-One¡± for ten minutes. I can¡¯t keep putting her off forever. ¡°Amazing fabric, right?¡± says Mindy enthusiastically. ¡°It has three times the restraining power of normal spandex. You totally lose a size, right?¡± Maybe I have, but I¡¯ve also lost half my lung capacity. ¡°Are you doing OK with the straps?¡± comes Mindy¡¯s voice. ¡°You want me to come in the fitting room and help you adjust them?¡± Come in the fitting room? There¡¯s no way I¡¯m letting a tall, tanned, sporty Angeleno come in here and see my cellulite. ¡°No, it¡¯s fine, thanks!¡± I squawk. ¡°You need some help getting it off?¡± she tries again. ¡°Some of our customers find it tricky the first time.¡± I have a hideous vision of me gripping the counter and Mindy trying to haul the All-in-One off me while we both pant and sweat with the effort and Mindy secretly thinks, I knew all British girls were heifers. No way. Not in a million years. There¡¯s only one solution left. I¡¯ll have to buy it. Whatever it costs. I give an almighty wrench and manage to snap two of the straps up onto my shoulders. That¡¯s better. I look like a chicken trussed up in black Lycra, but at least I can move my arms. As soon as I get back to the hotel room, I¡¯ll cut the whole thing off myself with a pair of nail scissors and dispose of the remains in a public bin so Luke doesn¡¯t find them and say What¡¯s this? or You mean you bought it even though you knew it didn¡¯t fit? or something else really annoying. Luke is my husband, and he¡¯s the reason I¡¯m standing in a sports-apparel shop in L.A. We¡¯re moving out to Los Angeles as soon as possible because of his work, and we¡¯re here on an urgent house-hunting trip. That¡¯s our focus this week: Real estate. Houses. Gardens. Rental agreements. Very much so. I¡¯ve only popped to Rodeo Drive very, very quickly between house appointments. Well, OK. The truth is, I canceled a house appointment to come to Rodeo Drive. But I had to. I have a genuine reason for needing to buy some emergency running clothes, which is that I¡¯m running in a race tomorrow afternoon. A real race! Me! I reach for my clothes, grab my bag, and walk stiffly out of the cubicle to see Mindy hovering nearby. ¡°Wow!¡± Her voice is bright but her eyes are shocked. ¡°You look ¡­¡± She coughs. ¡°Awesome. It¡¯s not too ¡­ tight?¡± ¡°No, it¡¯s perfect,¡± I say, attempting a carefree smile. ¡°I¡¯ll take it.¡± ¡°Great!¡± She can barely hide her astonishment. ¡°So, if you want to take it off, I¡¯ll scan it for you.¡­¡± ¡°Actually, I¡¯ll wear it.¡± I try to sound casual. ¡°Might as well. Can you put my clothes in a bag?¡± ¡°Right,¡± says Mindy. There¡¯s quite a long pause. ¡°You¡¯re sure you don¡¯t want to try the size six?¡± ¡°No! Size four is perfect! Really comfy!¡± ¡°OK,¡± says Mindy after a silence. ¡°Of course. That¡¯ll be eighty-three dollars.¡± She scans the bar code on the tag hanging from my neck, and I reach for my credit card. ¡°So, you¡¯re into athletics?¡± ¡°Actually, I¡¯m running in the Ten Miler tomorrow.¡± ¡°No way!¡± She looks up, impressed, and I try to appear nonchalant and modest. The Ten Miler isn¡¯t just any old running race. It¡¯s the race. It¡¯s held every year in L.A., and loads of high-profile celebrities run it, and they even cover it on E! And I¡¯m in it! Page 2 ¡°How did you get a place?¡± Mindy says enviously. ¡°I¡¯ve applied for that race, like, every year.¡± ¡°Well.¡± I pause for effect. ¡°I¡¯m on Sage Seymour¡¯s team.¡± ¡°Wow.¡± Her jaw drops, and I feel a spurt of glee. It¡¯s true! I, Becky Brandon (n¨¦e Bloomwood), am running on the team of a top movie star! We¡¯ll do calf stretches together! We¡¯ll wear matching baseball caps! We¡¯ll be in Us Weekly! ¡°You¡¯re British, right?¡± Mindy interrupts my thoughts. ¡°Yes, but I¡¯m moving to L.A. soon. I¡¯m out here to look at houses with my husband, Luke. He has a PR company and he works with Sage Seymour,¡± I can¡¯t help adding proudly. Mindy looks more and more impressed. ¡°So are you and Sage Seymour, like, friends?¡± I fiddle with my purse, delaying my reply. The truth is, despite all my hopes, Sage Seymour and I aren¡¯t exactly friends. In fact, the real truth is, I still haven¡¯t met her. Which is so unfair. Luke¡¯s been working with her for ages, and I¡¯ve already been out to L.A. once for a job interview and now I¡¯m out here again, finding a house and a preschool for our daughter, Minnie ¡­ but have I even glimpsed Sage? When Luke said he was going to work with Sage Seymour and we were going to move to Hollywood, I thought we¡¯d be seeing her every day. I thought we¡¯d be hanging out by her pink pool in matching sunglasses and going for mani-pedis together. But even Luke hardly ever seems to see her; he just has meetings with managers and agents and producers all day long. He says he¡¯s learning the movie business and it¡¯s a steep learning curve. Which is fair enough, because previously he¡¯s only advised financial companies and big conglomerates. But does he have to be so resolutely non-starry-eyed? When I got a tiny bit frustrated the other day, he said, ¡°For God¡¯s sake, Becky, we¡¯re not making this huge move just to meet celebrities.¡± He said ¡°celebrities¡± like he was saying ¡°earwigs.¡± He understands nothing. The great thing about Luke and me is that we think alike on nearly everything in life, and that¡¯s why we¡¯re so happily married. But we have just a few teeny points of disagreement. Such as: 1. Catalogs. (They are not ¡°clutter.¡± They¡¯re useful. You never know when you might need a personalized kitchen blackboard with a dinky little bucket for the chalk. Plus I like reading them at bedtime.) 2. Shoes. (Keeping all my shoes in their original boxes forever is not ridiculous; it¡¯s thrifty. They¡¯ll come back into fashion one day and then Minnie can wear them. And, meanwhile, he should look where he¡¯s stepping.) 3. Elinor, his mother. (Long, long story.) 4. Celebrities. I mean, here we are in L.A. The home of celebrities. They¡¯re the local natural phenomenon. Everyone knows you come to L.A. to see the celebrities, like you go to Sri Lanka to see the elephants. But Luke didn¡¯t gasp when we saw Tom Hanks in the lobby of the Beverly Wilshire. He didn¡¯t blink when Halle Berry was sitting three tables away at The Ivy (I think it was Halle Berry). He didn¡¯t even get excited when we saw Reese Witherspoon across the road. (I¡¯m sure it was Reese Witherspoon. She had exactly the same hair.) And he talks about Sage as if she¡¯s just another client. Like she¡¯s Foreland Investments. He says that this is what she appreciates about him: that he¡¯s not part of the circus. And then he says I¡¯m getting overexcited by all the Hollywood hoopla. Which is totally untrue. I am not overexcited. I¡¯m exactly the right amount excited. Privately, I¡¯m disappointed in Sage too. I mean, OK, we don¡¯t exactly know each other, but we did speak on the phone when she was helping me with a surprise party for Luke. (Although she¡¯s got a new number, and Luke won¡¯t give it to me.) I would have thought she might be in touch, or invite me round to her house for a sleepover, or something. Anyway, never mind. It¡¯ll all come good tomorrow. I don¡¯t want to boast, but it¡¯s totally due to my own quick wits that I¡¯m in this Ten Miler race. I just happened to be looking over Luke¡¯s shoulder at his laptop yesterday when a round-robin email came in from Sage¡¯s manager, Aran. It was entitled First come first served and read: Dear friends, there¡¯s a last-minute place available on the Ten Miler team due to an injury dropout¡ªanyone interested in running and supporting Sage? My hands were on the keyboard, pressing REPLY and typing, Yes, please! I would love to run with Sage! Best wishes, Becky Brandon, before I was even aware I was moving. OK, so maybe I should have consulted Luke before pressing SEND. But it was ¡°first come first served.¡± I had to act fast! Page 3 Luke just stared at me and said, ¡°Are you nuts?¡± Then he started going on about how this was a proper race for trained athletes, and who was going to sponsor me, and did I even possess any running shoes? Honestly. He could be more supportive. Although, actually, he has a point about the running shoes. ¡°So, are you in the movie business too?¡± Mindy asks as she hands me the receipt to sign. ¡°No, I¡¯m a personal shopper.¡± ¡°Oh, OK. Which store?¡± ¡°It¡¯s ¡­ actually, it¡¯s ¡­ Dalawear.¡± ¡°Oh.¡± She looks taken aback. ¡°You mean, the store for¡ª¡± ¡°Older women. Yes.¡± I lift my chin. ¡°It¡¯s a great store. It¡¯s really exciting. I can¡¯t wait!¡± I¡¯m being super-positive about this job, even though it¡¯s not exactly my dream. Dalawear sells ¡°easy-wear clothes¡± for ladies who rate ¡°comfort over style.¡± (It actually says that on the poster. I might try to persuade them to change it to ¡°comfort as much as style.¡±) When I went to the interview, the woman kept talking about elasticated waistbands and washable fabrics and not once about directional fashion. Or even fashion. But the truth is, there aren¡¯t that many personal-shopping jobs popping up in L.A. at the last minute for a newly arrived Brit. Especially a Brit who may only be in the country for three months. Dalawear was the only store that had an opening, because of a maternity leave. And I rocked the interview, though I say it myself. I enthused about their ¡°all-purpose floral shirtwaist¡± dresses so much, I almost wanted to buy one for myself. ¡°Can I please buy some running shoes too?¡± I change the subject. ¡°I can¡¯t exactly run in these!¡± I gesture at my Marc Jacobs kitten heels with a little laugh. (For the record, I did once climb an entire mountain in a pair of shoes just like these. But I mentioned that to Luke yesterday as proof of my athletic ability and he shuddered and said he¡¯d blanked that whole incident from his memory.) ¡°Sure.¡± Mindy nods. ¡°You¡¯ll want our technical store, Pump! It¡¯s right across the street. They stock all the shoes, equipment, heart-rate monitors ¡­ Did you get a biomechanical assessment in the UK?¡± I look at her blankly. A bio-what? ¡°Talk to the guys across the street; they¡¯ll get you set up.¡± She hands me a carrier bag holding my clothes. ¡°You must be super-fit. I¡¯ve worked out with Sage Seymour¡¯s trainer. She¡¯s hard-core. And I¡¯ve heard about the team regimen. Didn¡¯t you, like, go to Arizona for training?¡± This conversation is unnerving me a tad. Hard-core? Team regimen? Anyway, I mustn¡¯t lose confidence. I¡¯m perfectly fit enough to run a race, even if it is in L.A. ¡°I haven¡¯t been on the regimen exactly,¡± I admit. ¡°But obviously I have my own ¡­ er ¡­ cardio ¡­ program ¡­ thing.¡­¡± I¡¯ll be fine. It¡¯s just running. How hard can it be? As I head back out to Rodeo Drive, I feel a swoosh of exhilaration as the warm spring air hits me. I¡¯m going to love living in L.A.; I just know it. Everything people say about it is true. The sun shines and the people have super-white teeth and the houses look like film sets. I¡¯ve looked at several houses for rent and they all have pools. It¡¯s as if a pool is a normal thing, like a fridge. The street around me simply glistens with glamour. It¡¯s lined with expensive, shiny shopfronts and perfect palm trees and rows of luxurious-looking cars. Cars are a whole different thing here. People drive by in their colorful convertibles with the roof down, looking all relaxed and friendly, as if you might stroll up to them while they¡¯re pausing at the light and start a conversation. It¡¯s the opposite of Britain, where everyone¡¯s in their own self-contained metal box, swearing at the rain. Sunlight is glinting off all the shop windows and sunglasses and expensive watches on people¡¯s wrists. Outside Dolce & Gabbana, a woman is piling a whole load of bags into a car, and she looks just like Julia Roberts except with blonder hair. And a bit smaller. But apart from that, just like Julia Roberts! On Rodeo Drive! I¡¯m just trying to edge closer to see what bags she¡¯s got when my phone buzzes, and I pull it out to see Gayle on the screen. Gayle is my new boss at Dalawear, and we¡¯re having a meeting tomorrow morning. ¡°Hi, Gayle!¡± I say in cheerful, professional tones. ¡°Did you get my message? Are we still on for tomorrow?¡± ¡°Hi, Rebecca. Yes, we¡¯re all good at this end ¡­¡± She pauses. ¡°Except for one hitch. We still didn¡¯t get your reference from Danny Kovitz.¡± Page 4 ¡°Oh, right.¡± Drat. Danny is one of my best friends and is quite a famous fashion designer. He promised to give me a reference for Dalawear, only it¡¯s been ages now and he hasn¡¯t done anything about it. I texted him yesterday and he promised he would send an email within the hour. I can¡¯t believe he hasn¡¯t. Actually, that¡¯s not true. I can totally believe it. ¡°I¡¯ll call him,¡± I promise. ¡°Sorry about that.¡± The truth is, I never should have asked Danny for a reference. But I thought it sounded so cool, having a top fashion designer on my r¨¦sum¨¦. And I¡¯m sure it helped. They couldn¡¯t stop asking me about him in the interview. ¡°Rebecca ¡­¡± Gayle pauses delicately. ¡°You do know Mr. Kovitz? You have met him?¡± She doesn¡¯t believe me? ¡°Of course I know him! Look, leave it with me. I¡¯ll get the reference. I¡¯m really sorry for the delay. See you tomorrow.¡± I end the call and instantly speed-dial Danny, trying to stay calm. There¡¯s no point getting cross with Danny; he just wriggles and becomes all plaintive. ¡°Oh my God, Becky.¡± Danny answers the phone as though we¡¯re mid-conversation. ¡°You would not believe what I need for this trek. It¡¯s, like, who knew you could get freeze-dried lasagna? And I have the cutest little teakettle; you have to get one.¡± This is why Danny is even more distracted than usual at the moment. He¡¯s about to start training to do some celebrity charity expedition across the Greenland ice sheet. Every single person who knows Danny has told him he¡¯s mad, but he¡¯s adamant he¡¯s going to do it. He keeps saying he wants to ¡°give something back,¡± but we all know it¡¯s because he fancies Damon, the lead singer from Boyz About, who¡¯s also doing it. Although how you get it together with someone on a Greenland expedition, I have no idea. I mean, can you even kiss? Do your lips stick together in the freezing air? How do Eskimos manage? ¡°Danny,¡± I say sternly, wrenching my mind away from an image of two Eskimos stuck together on their wedding day, flailing their arms to break free. ¡°Danny, what about my reference?¡± ¡°Sure,¡± says Danny without missing a beat. ¡°I¡¯m on it. How many pairs of thermal underwear should I take?¡± ¡°You¡¯re not on it! You promised you¡¯d send it yesterday! I¡¯ve got to go and see them tomorrow and they don¡¯t believe I even know you!¡± ¡°Well, of course you know me,¡± he says, as though I¡¯m an idiot. ¡°They don¡¯t know that! This is my only chance of a job in L.A., and I need to have a reference. Danny, if you can¡¯t do it, just tell me and I¡¯ll ask someone else.¡± ¡°Someone else?¡± Only Danny can manage to sound mortally offended when he¡¯s in the wrong. ¡°Why would you ask someone else?¡± ¡°Because they might actually do it!¡± I sigh, trying to stay patient. ¡°Look, all you need to do is send a little email. I¡¯ll dictate it, if you like. Dear Gayle, I can recommend Rebecca Brandon as a personal shopper. Signed, Danny Kovitz.¡± There¡¯s silence down the phone, and I wonder if he¡¯s taking notes. ¡°Did you get that? Did you write it down?¡± ¡°No, I didn¡¯t write it down.¡± Danny sounds indignant. ¡°That is the crummiest reference I ever heard. You think that¡¯s all I have to say about you?¡± ¡°Well¡ª¡± ¡°I don¡¯t give out personal references unless I mean them. Unless I¡¯ve crafted them. A reference is an art form.¡± ¡°But¡ª¡± ¡°You want a reference, I¡¯ll come and give you a reference.¡± ¡°What do you mean?¡± I say, confused. ¡°I¡¯m not writing three crappy lines on an email. I¡¯m coming to L.A.¡± ¡°You can¡¯t come to L.A. just to give me a reference!¡± I start to giggle. ¡°Where are you anyway? New York?¡± Since Danny hit the big time, it¡¯s impossible to know where he¡¯ll be at any moment. He¡¯s opened three new showrooms this year alone, including one in the Beverly Center here in L.A. Which you¡¯d think would tie him down, but he¡¯s always scouting out yet more new cities or going on ¡°inspirational research trips¡± (holidays). ¡°San Francisco. I was coming anyway. I need to buy sunblock. I always get my sunblock in L.A. Text me the details. I¡¯ll be there.¡± ¡°But¡ª¡± ¡°It¡¯ll be great. You can help me choose a name for my husky dog. We each get to sponsor one, but I may sponsor a whole team. It¡¯s going to be, like, such a life-changing experience.¡­¡± Page 5 Once Danny starts talking about life-changing experiences, it¡¯s hard to cut him off. I¡¯ll give him twenty minutes to talk about Greenland, I decide. Maybe twenty-five. And then I must go and buy my trainers. OK, I officially have the coolest running shoes in the world. They¡¯re silver with orange stripes and they have gel bits and mesh bits and I want to wear them all day long. This sports shop is incredible! You don¡¯t just buy a pair of trainers here. You don¡¯t just put them on and walk around and say, I¡¯ll take them, and then throw six pairs of sports socks into your basket as well because they¡¯re on sale. Oh no. It¡¯s all very technical. You do a special running test on a treadmill, and they take a video and tell you all about your ¡°gait¡± and find the perfect solution for your athletic needs. Why don¡¯t they do this at Jimmy Choo? They should have a little catwalk where you¡¯d walk along to cool music and maybe strobe lighting, and they¡¯d take a video. And then the expert would say, We feel the black-and-white stiletto perfectly suits your awesome supermodel gait. And then you¡¯d take the video home to show all your friends. I am so suggesting it next time I¡¯m in there. ¡°So here¡¯s the heart monitor I was telling you about.¡­¡± The sales assistant, Kai, reappears, holding a little metal and rubber bracelet. ¡°Like I said, it¡¯s our most discreet model, new to the market. I¡¯m excited to hear your opinion.¡± ¡°Cool!¡± I beam at him and put it on my wrist. Kai has asked if I¡¯d like to join in a customer study of this new heart monitor, and why not? The only sticky moment was when he asked what heart monitor I was using currently and I didn¡¯t like to say ¡°none,¡± so I said ¡°the Curve¡± and then realized that¡¯s Luke¡¯s new BlackBerry. ¡°Would you like some more coconut water before you start?¡± More coconut water. That¡¯s so L.A. Everything in this shop is so L.A. Kai himself is ripped and tanned and has exactly the optimum amount of stubble, and bright turquoise eyes, which I¡¯m sure are lenses. He looks so like Jared Leto that I wonder whether he went to a surgeon with a picture torn out of Us Weekly and said, This one, please. He¡¯s already dropped into conversation that: 1. He¡¯s modeled for Sports Illustrated. 2. He¡¯s working on a script about a sportswear consultant who becomes a movie star. 3. He won Ohio¡¯s Best Pecs three years running and has had his pecs specially insured. He asked me within about thirty seconds whether I worked in the film industry, and when I said no, but my husband did, he gave me a card and said, ¡°I¡¯d love to meet with him to discuss a venture he might be interested in.¡± The idea of Kai and Luke sitting at a table discussing his pecs nearly made me snort out my coconut water. ¡°So if you¡¯ll kindly step up here.¡± Kai ushers me onto the treadmill. ¡°I¡¯ll be taking a record of your heart rate, so we¡¯ll raise it with some aerobic activity and then lower it with rest periods. Just follow the treadmill and you¡¯ll be fine.¡± ¡°Great!¡± As I step up, I notice a massive rack of exercise clothes being wheeled onto the shop floor by two sales assistants. Wow. They look amazing¡ªall different shades of purples and grays, with abstract logos and really interesting shapes. ¡°What¡¯s that?¡± I ask Kai as the treadmill starts to move gently along. ¡°Oh.¡± He looks at it without interest. ¡°That¡¯s from our clearance fashion floor.¡± Clearance fashion floor? No one mentioned a clearance fashion floor. Why didn¡¯t I know about the clearance fashion floor? ¡°Weird.¡± He peers at his computer screen. ¡°Your heart rate just spiked, and we didn¡¯t even start the intense activity yet. Oh well.¡± He shrugs. ¡°Let¡¯s get going.¡± The treadmill starts to move along more briskly, and I up my walking pace to match. But I¡¯m distracted by the rack of clothes, because an assistant is putting sale signs on every garment! I spot a 90% OFF sign and crane my neck to see what it¡¯s attached to. Is that a T-shirt? Or a minidress? Or¡ª Oh my God, look at that cardigan. I can¡¯t help gasping aloud. That is stunning. It¡¯s longline, in what seems to be gray cashmere, with an oversize neon-pink zipper, all the way up the front and the back. It¡¯s gorgeous. ¡°So now we¡¯ll rest for a moment.¡­¡± Kai is concentrating on his screen. ¡°You¡¯re doing great so far.¡± The treadmill slows, but I barely notice. I¡¯m feeling stabs of alarm. A pair of passing girls has seen the rail and fallen on it in delight. I can hear them exclaiming with glee, showing clothes to each other and dumping them in their baskets. They¡¯re taking everything! I don¡¯t believe it. The sale of the century is going on ten yards away, and I¡¯m stuck on this stupid treadmill. As long as they don¡¯t see the cardigan. I will them silently: Don¡¯t look at the cardigan.¡­ Page 6 ¡°OK, this is strange.¡± Kai is frowning at his screen again. ¡°Let¡¯s pause the test.¡± ¡°Actually, I need to leave,¡± I say breathlessly, grabbing my handbag and shopping basket. ¡°Thanks. If I need a heart monitor I¡¯ll definitely get this one, but I must go¡ª¡± ¡°Rebecca, have you ever been diagnosed with arrhythmia? Heart disorder? Anything like that?¡± ¡°No.¡± I¡¯m stopped in my tracks. ¡°Why? Have you picked something up?¡± Is he joking? No. His face is serious. He isn¡¯t joking. I¡¯m gripped with fright. What have I got? Oh my God, I¡¯ll be in the Daily Mail health pages. ¡°My one-in-a-million heart condition was picked up in a simple exercise store test. Shopping saved my life,¡± says Rebecca Brandon¡ª ¡°Your heart response wasn¡¯t typical. It spiked, but not at the moments I was expecting. For example, it spiked just now when you were resting.¡± ¡°Oh,¡± I say anxiously. ¡°Is that bad?¡± ¡°Not necessarily. It would depend on a lot of things. Your general heart health, your cardio fitness ¡­¡± As he¡¯s talking, my eye wanders over to the sale rack again, and to my horror I see that one of the girls has picked up my cardigan. No! Noooo! Put it down! ¡°It¡¯s happened again!¡± says Kai in sudden animation, and points at the screen. ¡°Do you see? Your heart rate rocketed!¡± I look at Kai, and at the screen, and then at the cardigan with the neon-pink zip, and it all falls into place. Oh God, is that why my heart rate zoomed up? This is so embarrassing. Stupid dumb heart. I can feel myself blushing bright red, and I hastily look away from Kai. ¡°Well!¡± I say in flustered tones. ¡°I have no idea why that happened. None! Just one of those mysteries. Mysteries of the heart. Ha-ha!¡± ¡°Oh. OK.¡± Kai¡¯s face snaps as though in recognition. ¡°Ooo-kay. I think I get it. I¡¯ve seen this a couple times.¡± ¡°Seen what?¡± ¡°OK, this is a little awkward.¡­¡± He flashes me a perfect smile. ¡°It was physical attraction to me, right? You don¡¯t need to be uncomfortable. It¡¯s normal. It¡¯s why I had to give up personal training. The clients became ¡­ I don¡¯t know, would you say ¡®infatuated¡¯?¡± He glances complacently at himself in the mirror. ¡°You looked at me and your response was beyond your control. Am I right?¡± ¡°Not really,¡± I say honestly. ¡°Rebecca.¡± Kai sighs. ¡°I know it¡¯s embarrassing to admit, but believe me, you¡¯re not the only lady to become attracted to me¡ª¡± ¡°But I wasn¡¯t looking at you,¡± I explain. ¡°I was looking at a cardigan.¡± ¡°A cardigan?¡± Kai plucks at his T-shirt, confused. ¡°I¡¯m not wearing one.¡± ¡°I know. It¡¯s over there. It¡¯s on sale.¡± I point it out. ¡°That¡¯s what I was looking at, not you. I¡¯ll show you.¡± I take the opportunity to dash over and grab the cardigan, which, thank God, the girl has replaced on the rack. It¡¯s super-soft to the touch and the zip is amazing, and it¡¯s reduced by 70 percent! I¡¯m sure my heart is racing again, just from holding it. ¡°Isn¡¯t it gorgeous?¡± I enthuse, heading back toward Kai. ¡°Isn¡¯t it fab?¡± Suddenly I realize I¡¯m not being very tactful. ¡°I mean, you¡¯re very good-looking too,¡± I add encouragingly. ¡°I¡¯m sure I¡¯d be attracted to you if it weren¡¯t for the cardigan.¡± There¡¯s a pause. Kai looks slightly stunned, to be honest. Even his turquoise contact lenses seem a bit less sparkly. ¡°You¡¯d be attracted to me ¡®if it weren¡¯t for the cardigan,¡¯ ¡± he echoes at last. ¡°Of course!¡± I say reassuringly. ¡°I¡¯d probably get infatuated, just like those clients of yours. Unless there were any other amazing clothes to compete with,¡± I add, for honesty¡¯s sake. ¡°I mean, like a Chanel suit on ninety-nine percent sale. I don¡¯t think any man could beat that!¡± I give a little laugh, but Kai¡¯s face has gone a bit rigid. ¡°I never had to compete with clothes before,¡± he says, almost to himself. ¡°Clothes.¡± I¡¯m noticing that the atmosphere isn¡¯t quite as easy and fun as it was before. I think I might just go and pay for my trainers. ¡°Thanks for the heart test anyway!¡± I say brightly, and take off the bracelet. ¡°Good luck with the pecs!¡± Honestly. What a bighead that Kai is. I know he has stunning turquoise eyes and a great body, but he doesn¡¯t have a neon zip, does he? Lots of men have stunning blue eyes, but only one cardigan has a cool oversize neon-pink zip. And if he thinks he¡¯s never competed with clothes before, then his girlfriends have been lying to him. Every woman in the world sometimes thinks about shoes in the middle of sex. It¡¯s a well-known fact. Page 7 Anyway. Don¡¯t think about stupid Kai. On the positive front, I¡¯ve got the best, most whizzy trainers in the world. And, OK, they cost four hundred dollars, which is a lot, but I¡¯ll just have to think of this as an investment in my career. In my life. ¡°So, I¡¯ll box those for you,¡± says the sales assistant, and I nod absently. I¡¯m imagining standing at the start of the race with Sage, and her glancing down at my feet and saying, Cool shoes. I¡¯ll give her a friendly smile and reply carelessly, Thanks. Then she¡¯ll say, Luke never told me you were such a serious athlete, Becky. And I¡¯ll say, Are you kidding? I love running. (Which isn¡¯t quite true yet, but I¡¯m sure it will be. Once I start this race, the endorphins will kick in and I¡¯ll probably become addicted.) Then Sage will say, Hey, we should train together! Let¡¯s meet up every morning. And I¡¯ll say, Sure, very nonchalantly. Then she¡¯ll say, I train with some friends, but you¡¯ll love them; do you know Kate Hudson and Drew Barrymore and Cameron Diaz and ¡­ ¡°Will you be paying by credit or cash, ma¡¯am?¡± I blink at the assistant and fumble for my card. ¡°Oh. Right. Credit.¡± ¡°And did you choose your water bottle?¡± the sales assistant adds. ¡°I¡¯m sorry?¡± ¡°We¡¯re offering a free bottle with every shoe purchase.¡± He gestures at a nearby poster. Well. This four hundred dollars seems more and more of a bargain. ¡°I¡¯ll just have a look. Thanks!¡± I beam at him and head toward the display of bottles. Maybe if I¡¯m carrying a cool bottle, Sage will notice that too! There¡¯s a whole wall of them¡ªchrome, matte black, and all sorts of colors in silicone. As my eye travels upward, I spot a label: LIMITED EDITION PRINT. I squint, trying to see¡ªbut they¡¯re on the fifth shelf. Honestly. Why would you put the limited-edition-print bottles on the fifth shelf? There¡¯s a stepladder nearby, so I drag it over and climb to the top. Now I can see the bottles properly, and they¡¯re amazing: all with gorgeous retro prints. I can hardly bear to choose¡ªbut in the end I narrow it down to three: one with red stripes, one with amber swirls, and one with black-and-white flowers. I¡¯ll pay for the extra ones, I decide, because I can give one each to Minnie and Suze as souvenirs. I carefully put the bottles down on the top step of the ladder and turn to survey the shop. I have an amazing view up here. I can see all the aisles, and I can see that the woman at the cash register needs her roots touched up, and I can see¡ª What? Wait a minute. I stiffen in disbelief and peer more closely. In the far corner, there¡¯s a girl I hadn¡¯t noticed before. She¡¯s incredibly thin, wearing pale skinny jeans, a gray hoodie up over her head, and dark glasses that hide her face. And no wonder she¡¯s dressed so furtively. Because she¡¯s stealing. I stare in utter shock as I see her putting a pair of socks into her oversize handbag (Balenciaga, this season), and then another. Then a third. Then she looks around, kind of shrinks down into herself, and walks swiftly toward the exit. I¡¯ve never seen a shoplifter in action before, and for an instant I feel stunned. But next moment a boiling outrage is rising through me. She took them! She shoplifted! She shouldn¡¯t do that! People shouldn¡¯t do that! What if we all did that? I mean, I bet we¡¯d all like to have free socks, but we don¡¯t just take them, do we? We pay. Even if we can¡¯t really afford it, we pay. My stomach is churning as I watch her leave. I feel really angry. It¡¯s not fair. And suddenly I know I can¡¯t just let her go. I have to do something. I¡¯m not sure what¡ªbut something. Leaving the water bottles behind, I bound down the ladder and out of the shop door. I can see the shoplifter ahead of me, and I increase my pace to a run, dodging pedestrians as I go. As I get near, my heart is thumping with apprehension. What if she threatens me? What if she¡¯s got a gun? Oh God, of course she¡¯s got a gun. This is L.A. Everyone has guns. Well, too bad. Maybe I will get shot, but I can¡¯t wimp out now. I reach out a hand and tap her on her bony shoulder. ¡°Excuse me?¡± The girl whips round and I tense in fright, waiting for the gun. But it doesn¡¯t come. Her sunglasses are so huge I can barely see her face, but I make out a thin, pale chin and a scrawny, almost malnourished neck. I feel a sudden stab of guilt. Maybe she¡¯s on the streets. Maybe this is her only source of income. Maybe she¡¯s going to sell the socks to buy food for her crack-addict baby. Part of me is thinking, Just turn away, Becky. Let it go. But the other part won¡¯t let me. Because even if there¡¯s a crack-addict baby, it¡¯s wrong. It¡¯s wrong. Page 8 ¡°I saw you, OK?¡± I say. ¡°I saw you taking those socks.¡± The girl immediately stiffens and makes to run away, but I instinctively grab her arm. ¡°You shouldn¡¯t steal stuff!¡± I say, struggling to keep hold of her. ¡°You just shouldn¡¯t! You probably think, So what? No one got hurt. But, you know, shop assistants get in trouble when people shoplift. Sometimes they have to pay for the goods from their wages. Is that fair?¡± The girl is wriggling desperately to get away, but I¡¯m gripping on to her arm with both hands. As the mother of a two-year-old, you learn a lot of immobilization skills. ¡°And then all the prices go up,¡± I add, panting. ¡°And everyone suffers! I know you might think it¡¯s your only option, but it¡¯s not. You can turn your life around. There are places you can go for help. Do you have a pimp?¡± I add, trying to sound sympathetic. ¡°Because I know they can be a real pain. But you could go to a safe house. I saw a documentary about it, and they¡¯re brilliant.¡± I¡¯m about to elaborate when the girl¡¯s sunglasses slip to one side. And I glimpse the side of her face. And suddenly I feel faint. I can¡¯t breathe. That¡¯s¡ª No. It can¡¯t be. It is. It is. It¡¯s Lois Kellerton. All thoughts of crack addicts and safe houses disappear from my head. This is surreal. It can¡¯t be happening. It has to be a dream. I, Becky Brandon, am clutching the arm of top Hollywood actress Lois Kellerton. As I peer at her unmistakable jawline, my legs start to shake. I mean, Lois Kellerton. I¡¯ve seen all her films and I¡¯ve watched her on the red carpet and I¡¯ve¡ª But what¡ª I mean, what on earth¡ª Lois Kellerton shoplifted three pairs of socks? Is this some kind of prank show? For what seems like the longest moment, we¡¯re both motionless, staring at each other. I¡¯m remembering her as Tess in that brilliant adaptation of Tess of the D¡¯Urbervilles. God, she made me cry. And there was that sci-fi one where she got deliberately stranded on Mars at the end in order to save her half-alien children. I cried buckets, and so did Suze. I clear my throat, trying to gather my thoughts. ¡°I ¡­ I know who you¡ª¡± ¡°Please,¡± she cuts me off in that familiar husky voice. ¡°Please.¡± She takes off her dark glasses and I stare at her in fresh shock. She looks terrible. Her eyes are red-rimmed and her skin is all flaky. ¡°Please,¡± she says a third time. ¡°I¡¯m ¡­ I¡¯m so sorry. I¡¯m so sorry. Are you employed by the store?¡± ¡°No. I¡¯m a customer. I was up a ladder.¡± ¡°Did they see me?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know. I don¡¯t think so.¡± With a trembling hand, she grabs the three pairs of socks from her bag and offers them to me. ¡°I don¡¯t know what I was doing. I haven¡¯t slept for two nights. I think I went a little crazy. I never did anything like this before. I never will again. Please,¡± she whispers again, shrinking inside her hoodie. ¡°Take the socks. Take them back.¡± ¡°Me?¡± ¡°Please.¡± She sounds desperate. At last, awkwardly, I take the socks from her. ¡°Here.¡± She¡¯s scrabbling in her bag again and produces a fifty-dollar note. ¡°Give this to the employees.¡± ¡°You look quite ¡­ um ¡­ stressed,¡± I venture. ¡°Are you OK?¡± Lois Kellerton raises her head and meets my eyes, and I¡¯m suddenly reminded of a leopard I once saw in a Spanish zoo. That looked desperate too. ¡°Are you going to tell the police?¡± she breathes, so quietly I can barely hear her. ¡°Are you going to tell anyone?¡± Oh God. Oh God. What do I do? I put the socks in my bag, playing for time. I should tell the police. Of course I should. What difference does it make if it¡¯s a movie star? She stole the socks and that¡¯s a crime, and I should perform a citizen¡¯s arrest right now and march her off for justice. But ¡­ I can¡¯t. I just can¡¯t. She looks so fragile. Like a moth or a paper flower. And after all, she¡¯s giving the socks back, and she¡¯s making a donation, and it sounds like she just had a moment of madness.¡­ Lois Kellerton¡¯s head is bowed. Her face is hidden inside the gray hood. She looks as though she¡¯s waiting for an execution. ¡°I won¡¯t tell anyone,¡± I say at last. ¡°I promise. I¡¯ll give the socks back and I won¡¯t tell anyone.¡± As I release my grip on her, her thin hand squeezes mine. Her dark glasses are already back on her face. She looks like an anonymous skinny girl in a hoodie. Page 9 ¡°Thank you,¡± she whispers. ¡°Thank you. What¡¯s your name?¡± ¡°Becky!¡± I reply eagerly. ¡°Becky Bloomwood. I mean, Brandon. I was Bloomwood but I got married, so my name changed.¡­¡± Argh. Stop gabbling. ¡°Um, Becky,¡± I finish lamely. ¡°Thank you, Becky.¡± And before I can say anything, she¡¯s turned and gone. Next morning, my head is still sparking in disbelief. Did that actually happen? Did I actually meet Lois Kellerton? When I returned to Pump!, clutching the socks, it turned out they hadn¡¯t even noticed that the socks had gone. For an awful moment I thought they were going to accuse me of stealing them. But thankfully a sales assistant took over the incident and called up the CCTV footage, and we all watched as a thin girl in a gray hoodie put the socks in her bag and slipped out. I was tingling all over as I watched. A tiny part of me wanted to yell, Don¡¯t you see who it is? Don¡¯t you see? But of course I didn¡¯t. I¡¯d made a promise. Besides which, they¡¯d never believe me. On the video you can¡¯t see her face at all. Then we watched the footage as I chased her out of the shop. All I can say is, I am never buying an Athletic Shaping All-in-One again. I wanted to die when I saw my bottom bulging through the shiny fabric. Anyway. On the plus side, everyone was really impressed by what I did, even if they were more interested in arguing about whether the socks should have been fitted with security tags. My story was that the ¡°mystery girl¡± dropped the socks as I chased her down the street and that I couldn¡¯t catch up with her. I didn¡¯t know what to do about the fifty-dollar note, so in the end I pretended that I¡¯d found it on the floor and handed it over. I left my name in case the police need a statement, then hurried back to our hotel, where I finally cut that awful Athletic All-in-One off myself. (I bought a pair of shorts and a tank top from Gap instead.) Lois Kellerton. I mean, Lois Kellerton. People would die if they knew! (Well, Suze would.) But I haven¡¯t told anybody. When Luke and I finally met up for supper last night, he wanted to hear all about the rental houses I¡¯d looked at, and I didn¡¯t want to admit I¡¯d spent quite so much time on Rodeo Drive ¡­ and besides which, I made a promise. I said I¡¯d keep it a secret and I have. Today it feels as though the whole event was a weird little dream. I blink and shake my head to dislodge it. I have other things to think about this morning. I¡¯m standing outside Dalawear, which is on Beverly Boulevard and has a window display of mannequins in ¡°easy-wear¡± dresses and pantsuits taking tea on a fake lawn. I¡¯m not meeting Danny for another twenty minutes, but I wanted to get here early and remind myself of the store and its layout. As I wander in, there¡¯s a lovely smell of roses in the air, and Frank Sinatra is playing over the sound system. It¡¯s a very pleasant store, Dalawear, even if all the jackets seem to be one style, just with different buttons. I¡¯ve gone through separates, shoes, and underwear when I come to the evening-wear section. Most of the dresses are full-length and heavily corseted, in bright colors like periwinkle blue and raspberry. There are lots of big rosettes at the shoulder or waist, and beading, and lace-up bodices, and built-in ¡°slimming¡± undergarments. Just looking at them makes me feel exhausted, especially after my Athletic Shaping All-In-One experience. Some clothes just aren¡¯t worth the hassle of trying to get them on and off. I¡¯m about to take out my phone to text Danny when there¡¯s a rustling sound, and a girl of about fifteen appears out of the dressing room to stand in front of the full-length mirror. She¡¯s not the most together-looking girl. Her dark-red hair is in a fuzzy kind of bob, and her nails are bitten and her eyebrows could do with a bit of a tweeze. But, worst of all, she¡¯s wearing a jade-green strapless, swooshy gown that totally swamps her, complete with a rather revolting chiffon stole. She looks uncertainly at herself and hitches the bodice over her bust, where it really doesn¡¯t fit. Oh God, I can¡¯t bear it. What is she doing here? This shop isn¡¯t for teens. ¡°Hi!¡± I approach her hurriedly. ¡°Wow! You look ¡­ um, lovely. That¡¯s a very ¡­ formal dress.¡± ¡°It¡¯s for my end-of-year prom,¡± mutters the girl. ¡°Right. Fantastic!¡± I let a pause fall before I add, ¡°They have some pretty dresses in Urban Outfitters, you know. I mean, Dalawear is a brilliant choice, obviously, but for someone your age ¡­¡± ¡°I have to shop here.¡± She shoots me a miserable look. ¡°My mom had some gift cards. She said I could only get a dress if it didn¡¯t cost her anything.¡± Page 10 ¡°Oh, I see.¡± ¡°The saleslady said green would set off my hair,¡± she adds hopelessly. ¡°She went to find me some shoes to match.¡± ¡°The green is ¡­ lovely.¡± I cross my fingers behind my back. ¡°Very striking.¡± ¡°It¡¯s OK, you don¡¯t have to lie. I know I look terrible.¡± Her shoulders slump. ¡°No!¡± I say quickly. ¡°You just ¡­ it¡¯s a tiny bit full for you ¡­ perhaps a bit fussy.¡­¡± I tug at the layers of chiffon, wanting to trim them all off with a pair of scissors. I mean, when you¡¯re fifteen, you don¡¯t want to be dressed up like a Christmas cracker. You want to be in something simple and beautiful, like¡ª And then it hits me. ¡°Wait here,¡± I say, and hurry back to the underwear section. It takes me about twenty seconds to grab a selection of silk slips, lace slips, ¡°shaping¡± slips, and a ¡°luxury satin slip with boned bodice,¡± all in black. ¡°Where did you get those?¡± The girl¡¯s eyes light up as I arrive back in the evening-wear section. ¡°They were in another section,¡± I say vaguely. ¡°Have a go! They¡¯re all in small. I¡¯m Becky, by the way.¡± ¡°Anita.¡± She smiles, revealing train-track braces. While she¡¯s rustling around behind the curtain, I search for accessories and find a black beaded sash plus a simple clutch bag in dark pink. ¡°What do you think?¡± Anita emerges shyly from the changing room, utterly transformed. She¡¯s in a strappy lace slip that makes her look about three sizes smaller and shows off her long legs. Her milky skin looks amazing against the black lace, and her short, stubby hair seems to make more sense too. ¡°Amazing! Just let me do your hair.¡­¡± There¡¯s a basket of complimentary water bottles on the counter, and, quickly opening one, I wet my hands. I smooth down her hair until it looks sleek and gamine, cinch her waist in with the beaded sash, and give her the pink clutch to hold. ¡°There!¡± I say proudly. ¡°You look fabulous. Now, stand with some attitude. Look at yourself. Don¡¯t you just rock?¡± Once she¡¯s got a pair of heels on, she¡¯ll look a million dollars. I sigh happily as I watch her shoulders relax and a sparkle come to her eye. God, I love dressing people up. ¡°So I found the shoes in your size ¡­¡± comes a trilling voice behind me, and I turn to see a woman in her sixties approaching Anita. I met her when I came for the interview before, and her name¡¯s ¡­ Rhoda? No, Rhona. It¡¯s on her name badge. ¡°Dear!¡± She gives a shocked laugh as she sees the teenage girl. ¡°What happened to the gown?¡± The girl¡¯s eyes slide uneasily to me, and I step in quickly. ¡°Hi, Rhona!¡± I say. ¡°I¡¯m Becky; we met before¡ªI¡¯m starting work here soon. I was just helping Anita with her look. Doesn¡¯t that slip look great worn as a dress?¡± ¡°Well, goodness!¡± Rhona¡¯s rigid smile doesn¡¯t move an inch, but her eyes fix me with daggers. ¡°How imaginative. Anita, sweetheart, I¡¯d love to see you in the green full-length.¡± ¡°No,¡± says Anita stubbornly. ¡°I¡¯m wearing this one. I like it.¡± She disappears behind the curtain and I step toward Rhona, lowering my voice. ¡°It¡¯s OK,¡± I say. ¡°You don¡¯t need to see her in the green. It didn¡¯t work. Too big. Too old. But then I suddenly thought of the slips and¡ªbingo!¡± ¡°That¡¯s hardly the point,¡± says Rhona, bristling. ¡°You know what the commission on that green gown is? You know what the commission on a slip is?¡± ¡°Well, who cares?¡± I say indignantly. ¡°The point is, she looks lovely!¡± ¡°I¡¯m sure she looked far lovelier in the green gown. I mean, a slip.¡± Rhona looks disapproving. ¡°To a prom. A slip.¡± I bite my lip. I can¡¯t say what I really think. ¡°Look, we¡¯re going to be working together, so ¡­ shall we agree to disagree?¡± I hold out my hand placatingly, but before Rhona can take it, there¡¯s an exclamation from behind me and two arms twine themselves round my neck. ¡°Becky!¡± ¡°Danny!¡± I wheel round to see his pale-blue eyes shining at me through heavy eyeliner. ¡°Wow! You look very ¡­ um ¡­ New Romantic.¡± Danny never puts on any weight or looks a day older despite leading the least healthy lifestyle on the planet. Today his hair is dyed black and gelled into a kind of droopy quiff; he¡¯s wearing a single dangly earring and tight jeans tucked into winklepicker boots. Page 11 ¡°I¡¯m ready,¡± he announces. ¡°I have my reference. I learned it on the plane. Who do I say it to? You?¡± He turns to Rhona and makes a small bow. ¡°My name is Danny Kovitz¡ªyes, the Danny Kovitz¡ªthank you¡ªand I am here today to recommend Rebecca Brandon as a personal shopper without parallel.¡± ¡°Stop!¡± I say, pink with embarrassment. ¡°This isn¡¯t the right place. We need to find Gayle, my new boss.¡± ¡°Oh,¡± says Danny, unfazed. ¡°OK.¡± Meanwhile, Anita has reappeared from the dressing room and heads over to Rhona. ¡°OK, I¡¯d like to get the black lace dress. And the pink clutch and the sash.¡± ¡°Well, dear,¡± says Rhona, her face still pinched with annoyance. ¡°If you¡¯re sure. Now, what about this fabulous pink stole? It would set off the black lace wonderfully.¡± She reaches for a length of pink tulle adorned with oversize white sequins and spreads it out on the counter. Anita glances at me and I surreptitiously shake my head. ¡°No, thanks,¡± she says confidently. Rhona whips round in suspicion, but I give her an innocent smile. ¡°We¡¯d better find Gayle,¡± I say. ¡°See you later, Rhona! Have fun at the prom, Anita!¡± As I head away with Danny, I can¡¯t help wrapping an arm round him. ¡°Thank you for coming. You¡¯re such a star to do this.¡± ¡°I know,¡± he says complacently. ¡°I¡¯m going to miss you when you go to Greenland! Couldn¡¯t you have chosen somewhere nearer?¡± ¡°What, some hike in the mountains?¡± says Danny dismissively. ¡°Some little day trek?¡± ¡°Why not? We would still have sponsored you¡ª¡± ¡°Becky, you don¡¯t get it.¡± Danny gives me a serious look. ¡°This is something I have to do. I want to push myself to the limit. I have this great trainer, Diederik, and he¡¯s done the Greenland expedition. He says it¡¯s a mystical experience. Mystical.¡± ¡°Oh well. Mystical.¡± I shrug. ¡°Who buys these clothes?¡± Danny seems to have noticed the racks for the first time. ¡°Er ¡­ lots of people. Lots of very fashionable, stylish, um ¡­ chic people.¡± ¡°Chic?¡± He looks at me with a comically appalled face. ¡°Chic?¡± ¡°Shhh! There¡¯s my boss!¡± We¡¯ve reached the entrance to the personal-shopping area, where I¡¯ve agreed to meet Gayle, and there she is, looking around anxiously. Maybe she thought I wasn¡¯t going to turn up. She¡¯s a really lovely woman, in her forties¡ªvery pretty except her hair¡¯s too long, in my opinion¡ªand I¡¯m looking forward to working with her. ¡°Hi!¡± I wave to attract her attention. ¡°Rebecca.¡± She exhales. ¡°I was about to call you. This is very awkward. I¡¯m sorry, I¡¯m so sorry ¡­¡± She¡¯s about to tell me that Danny still hasn¡¯t come through with his reference, isn¡¯t she? ¡°No, it¡¯s fine,¡± I say hastily. ¡°He¡¯s here! Danny, this is Gayle, my new boss.¡± I nudge him. ¡°You can start now.¡± ¡°Excuse me?¡± Gayle looks baffled. ¡°This is Danny Kovitz,¡± I explain. ¡°He¡¯s come here especially to give my reference! Go on, Danny.¡± I nod encouragingly, and Danny draws breath. ¡°My name is Danny Kovitz¡ªyes, the Danny Kovitz¡ªthank you¡ªand I am here today to recommend Rebecca Brandon as a personal shopper without parallel. Where there is disaster, she will find style. Where there is blah, she will find a look. Where there is ¡­ um¡ª¡± He breaks off, pulls a piece of paper out of his jeans pocket, and consults it. ¡°Yes! Where there is misery, she will find happiness. Not just fashion happiness, all-round happiness.¡± He takes a step toward Gayle, who looks a bit shell-shocked. ¡°You want Rebecca Brandon in your store. The last person who tried to fire her faced a backlash from the customers; am I right, Becky?¡± ¡°Well.¡± I shrug awkwardly, feeling a bit overcome. I had no idea Danny would be so nice about me. ¡°You may have heard some strange rumors about Rebecca.¡± Danny has gone on to his second sheet of paper. ¡°Yes, she once deliberately trapped a customer in a dress. But she had good reason.¡± He hits the paper emphatically. ¡°Yes, she¡¯s been known to disguise clothes as sanitary products. But she was helping her clients. Yes, she organized two weddings for the same day and didn¡¯t tell anyone, even her fianc¨¦.¡­¡± He peers at the sheet. ¡°Danny, shut up!¡± I mutter. Why is he bringing all this up? Page 12 ¡°I have no idea why she did that,¡± Danny concludes. ¡°Let¡¯s ignore that. Let¡¯s focus on the fact that Rebecca is a shining light in any personal-shopping department and any store should be glad to have her. Thank you.¡± He gives a bow, then looks up at Gayle. ¡°I¡¯d now be glad to answer any questions, except those about my personal life, my beauty routine, and my ongoing lawsuit with my former manager. For those topics I have Q-and-A sheets.¡± He rummages in another pocket and unfolds three lime-colored sheets of paper, all headed The Danny Kovitz Story, which he hands to Gayle. Gayle gazes at them in stupefied silence, then raises her eyes to me. ¡°Rebecca ¡­¡± She seems lost for words. ¡°I didn¡¯t mean to organize two weddings,¡± I say defensively. ¡°These things happen.¡± ¡°No, no. It¡¯s not that. It¡¯s ¡­ Oh, it¡¯s too bad.¡± She shuts her eyes. ¡°This is all too bad.¡± ¡°What¡¯s too bad?¡± I say, with a sudden feeling of foreboding. ¡°Rebecca ¡­¡± Finally she faces me properly. ¡°There¡¯s no job for you.¡± ¡°What?¡± I falter. ¡°I had a call just now from the group director. He¡¯s been doing a review, and we have to lose some staff.¡± She winces. ¡°I¡¯m afraid that a personal-shopping maternity cover is too great a luxury for us. We¡¯re going to have to get by with just Rhona for now. I would love to hire you, believe me.¡± She glances from me to Danny. ¡°But in this climate ¡­ things are so tough.¡­¡± ¡°It¡¯s OK,¡± I say, my voice wobbly with shock. ¡°I understand.¡± ¡°I¡¯m sorry. I¡¯m sure you would have been a great addition to the department.¡± She looks so sad, I feel a pang of sympathy. What a horrible job, having to fire people. ¡°That¡¯s life,¡± I say, trying to sound more cheerful. ¡°Thanks for the chance anyway. And maybe I¡¯ll come and work here when things get better!¡± ¡°Maybe. Thanks for being so understanding. I¡¯m afraid I have to go break some more bad news.¡± She shakes my hand, then turns and strides away, leaving Danny and me looking blankly at each other. ¡°Bummer,¡± says Danny at last. ¡°I know.¡± I sigh heavily. ¡°Thanks for the reference anyway. Can I buy you lunch to say thank you?¡± By the time Danny leaves for the airport, two hours later, we¡¯ve had a blast. We¡¯ve done early lunch with cocktails, and a shopping spree for sunblock, and I¡¯ve laughed so hard, my stomach muscles ache. But as I watch his car whisk him away along Beverly Boulevard, there¡¯s a lump of disappointment weighing me down. No job. I was counting on that job. Not just for employment, not just for money¡ªbut as something to do. A way to make friends. Anyway. It¡¯s fine. It¡¯s all good. I¡¯ll think of something else. There are loads of shops in L.A.; there must be opportunities. I¡¯ll just have to keep looking ¡­ keep my ears and eyes open ¡­ ¡°Hey, lady! Watch it!¡± Oops. I was so busy thinking about keeping my ears and eyes open, I didn¡¯t notice a great big crane thing parked slap-bang in the middle of the pavement. A man in a headset is directing people around it, and there¡¯s a bit of a buzz farther up the street. As I go nearer to get a look, I can see glinting, and lights on stands ¡­ oh wow! It¡¯s a camera crew! They¡¯re filming something! I know I need to get back to the hotel and prepare for the Ten Miler race, but I can¡¯t just walk away. Even though I¡¯ve been to L.A. before, this is the first camera crew I¡¯ve seen. So I hurry along in excitement, heading toward the bright lights. The pavement is cordoned off with metal barriers, and a guy in a denim jacket and a headset is politely asking people to step away to the other side of the street. Reluctantly, I obey, keeping my eyes fixed on the action. There are two guys in jeans sitting on director¡¯s chairs, and a burly man operating a camera, and several girls scurrying around with headsets on, looking important. I feel massive pangs of envy as I watch them all. I mean, how cool, to be involved in a film. The only kind of filming I¡¯ve ever done was on TV, advising people how to invest their pensions. (I used to be a financial journalist. I used to spend all day talking about bank accounts. Sometimes I get an anxiety dream where I¡¯m back in that job and I¡¯m on TV and I don¡¯t even know what an interest rate is.) Standing on the sidewalk, all alone, is a woman who I guess is an actress, as she¡¯s so tiny and made up. I don¡¯t recognize her, but that doesn¡¯t mean anything. I¡¯m just wondering whether to get out my phone, take a picture, and text¡ªWho¡¯s this?¡ªto my best friend, Suze, when an older woman in jeans and a black tank top comes up to her. She¡¯s wearing a maroon peaked cap and has long black braids and the coolest high-heeled boots. Page 13 Everyone else in the crowd is pointing at the actress, but I¡¯m riveted by the woman with braids. I know her. I¡¯ve read interviews with her. She¡¯s a stylist called Nenita Dietz. She¡¯s holding a see-through plastic bag containing a stripy vintage-looking coat, which she carefully takes out and puts on the actress. She stares critically, adjusts it, then adds a necklace. And as I watch her, my thoughts are suddenly spinning in a new direction. Imagine having that job. Working on films; choosing outfits for actors; styling stars for appearances ¡­ Forget department stores, I should aim higher! That¡¯s the job I should have. I mean, it¡¯s perfect. I love clothes, I love films, I¡¯m moving to L.A.¡­ Why didn¡¯t I think of this before? Now Nenita Dietz is trying different pairs of sunglasses out on the actress. I follow every move she makes, utterly mesmerized. Nenita Dietz is amazing. She was behind that trend for boots with evening wear. And she¡¯s starting a line of underwear. I¡¯ve always wanted to design my own underwear. But how on earth would I get into it? How do you become a top Hollywood stylist? Or even a low-to-medium Hollywood stylist? Where do I start? I don¡¯t know anyone here, I don¡¯t have a job, I don¡¯t have any film experience.¡­ Now people across the road are shouting, ¡°Quiet on set!¡± and ¡°Rolling!¡± and ¡°QUIET PLEASE!¡± I watch in fascination as the actress folds her arms and looks upward. ¡°Cut!¡± Cut? That was it? All the film people are scurrying around again and I peer hard, searching for Nenita Dietz, but I can¡¯t see her. And people are starting to press at my back. So at last I tear myself away, my mind whirling with fantasies. A darkened cinema. My name rolling down the screen in white letters. MISS HATHAWAY¡¯S WARDROBE PERSONALLY SELECTED BY REBECCA BRANDON MR. PITT¡¯S SUITS SOURCED BY REBECCA BRANDON MISS SEYMOUR¡¯S GOWNS CHOSEN BY REBECCA BRANDON And now, of course, it all falls into place in my head. Sage Seymour is the key. Sage Seymour is the answer. That¡¯s how I¡¯m going to get in. FRESH BEAN COFFEE SHOP 1764 Beverly Blvd. Los Angeles, CA 90210 ? NOTES AND THOUGHTS ? Possible fashion trends to start: - Tartan dress with neon PVC accessories - Fake-fur coat belted with three different belts (Yes! Signature look!) - Pink hair and distressed pinstripe jacket - Diamant¨¦ brooches pinned to wellies - Jeans cut up and made into arm warmers - Carry two designer handbags at once (Yes! Start immediately!) - Full-length tulle skirt worn over jeans - Mismatch shoes for quirky, kooky look (Or will look as though have dementia??) - Fresh orchids tucked into belt as corsage - Bracelet made of fresh orchids - NB: Buy fresh orchids By 3:00 P.M., I¡¯m standing in a crowd of runners, formulating a plan for my new career. All I need to do is meet Sage Seymour, start chatting about clothes, offer to style her for an appearance ¡­ and I¡¯ll have an in. It¡¯s all about who you know, and Sage Seymour is the perfect person to know. And this is the perfect event to meet her! I mean, I¡¯m actually on her team! I have every reason to talk to her, and I can easily edge the conversation onto red-carpet trends while we¡¯re sprinting along together. I haven¡¯t seen her yet, but my eyes are swiveling around, and I¡¯m poised for action as soon as I spot her. A bell sounds, and all the runners start pressing more closely together. The cocktails I drank with Danny are starting to creep up on me, and I slightly regret that Malibu Sunrise now ¡­ but never mind. The endorphins will soon kick in. It¡¯s quite a spectacle, this Ten Miler race. It starts at Dodger Stadium, and it goes along Sunset and then onto Hollywood Boulevard. According to the welcome pack, the route passes many Hollywood landmarks, which is brilliant, because I¡¯ll be able to sightsee as I run! I¡¯ve already checked in, and I can¡¯t believe how many people are doing it. Everywhere I look, I see runners limbering and jogging and adjusting their shoelaces. Music is playing through loudspeakers, and the sun is shining hazily through the clouds and there¡¯s a smell of sunscreen. And I¡¯m part of it! I¡¯m standing in the middle of Group 1, about ten feet away from a massive great metal arch, which is the start of the race, with a number taped to my chest (184) and a special chip in my shoe. Best of all, I¡¯m wearing the fab team baseball cap, which was waiting for me at the hotel desk. It¡¯s bright turquoise, with TEAM SAGE in white letters. I feel like I¡¯m in the Olympics! Yet again I scan the crowd, searching for another TEAM SAGE turquoise baseball cap, but the runners are too closely packed together to see much. She has to be here somewhere. I¡¯ll just have to find her when we start running. Page 14 As I¡¯m doing a leg stretch, I catch the eye of a wiry black girl limbering up beside me. She looks at my baseball cap and her eyes widen. ¡°You¡¯re on the Sage Seymour team?¡± ¡°Yes.¡± I try to sound casual. ¡°That¡¯s right. I¡¯m with Sage. We¡¯ll be running together, and chatting, and ¡­ everything!¡± ¡°Wow. You must be good. So, what time are you hoping to make today?¡± ¡°Well.¡± I clear my throat. ¡°I expect I¡¯ll take about ¡­ um ¡­¡± I have no idea. Ten miles. How fast can I run ten miles? I¡¯m not even sure how fast I can run one mile. ¡°I¡¯m just hoping to improve my personal best,¡± I say at last. ¡°I hear you.¡± The girl stretches her arms over her head. ¡°What¡¯s your race strategy?¡± Meet Sage Seymour, talk about clothes, and wangle an invitation to her house flashes through my mind. ¡°Just ¡­ run,¡± I say with a shrug. ¡°To the end. You know. As fast as I can.¡± She stares at me blankly, then laughs. ¡°You¡¯re funny.¡± The runners are clustering together even more tightly. There must be at least a thousand people, stretching back as far as the eye can see. And despite my lingering jet lag, I feel a sudden burst of exhilaration as I bounce lightly in my new high-tech shoes. Here I am! Running in a high-profile race in L.A.! It just shows what you can do if you put your mind to it. I¡¯m about to take a photo of myself and send it to Suze when my phone rings and it¡¯s Mum. She always calls last thing at night, just to tell me that Minnie got off to sleep OK. ¡°Hi!¡± I answer the phone in delight. ¡°Guess what I¡¯m doing.¡± ¡°You¡¯re on a red carpet!¡± exclaims Mum excitedly. Every time Mum phones, she asks if I¡¯m on a red carpet. The truth is, not only have I not been on one, I haven¡¯t even seen one. Even worse: Luke had an invitation to a premiere the first time we were here, and not only did he not go, he didn¡¯t even tell me about it until it was too late. A premiere! This is why I can¡¯t rely on Luke to get me in to anything cool. He has completely the opposite view of L.A. from me. All he¡¯s interested in is attending meetings and being on permanent BlackBerry call, i.e., business as usual. He says the work ethic in L.A. is something he really relates to. The work ethic. Who comes to L.A. for the work ethic? ¡°No, I¡¯m running in a charity race. With Sage!¡± Mum gasps. ¡°You¡¯re with Sage Seymour? Oh, Becky!¡± ¡°I¡¯m not exactly with her right this second,¡± I admit. ¡°But I¡¯m going to catch up with her while we¡¯re running. I¡¯ve got a Team Sage baseball cap,¡± I add proudly. ¡°Oh, love!¡± ¡°I know! I¡¯ll take a picture of it. Show Minnie. Is she OK? Fast asleep?¡± ¡°She¡¯s fine, fine!¡± says Mum breezily. ¡°All snuggled up in bed. So, who else have you met? Anyone famous?¡± Lois Kellerton flashes through my mind. No. Don¡¯t even think about it. I love my mum, but if you tell her anything, it¡¯s all over Oxshott in a nanosecond. ¡°There are loads of celebs in the race,¡± I say vaguely. ¡°I think I just saw a guy from Desperate Housewives.¡± It could have been him, or it could have been a different guy, but Mum won¡¯t know. A klaxon is sounding. Oh God. Is that the race starting? ¡°Mum, I have to go,¡± I say hastily. ¡°I¡¯ll call later. Bye!¡± That was the start of the race. We¡¯re off. We¡¯re running. I¡¯m running too! Feet and arms are blurring around me as the runners jostle for position and I breathlessly try to stay with them. God, they¡¯re fast. I mean, it¡¯s fine. I¡¯m fast too. I¡¯m totally keeping up with the others. My chest is already burning, but that¡¯s OK, because the endorphins will kick in, any minute. The most important thing is: Where¡¯s Sage? As the crowd thins out, I¡¯m able to get a better view of my fellow runners. I¡¯m scanning the heads desperately for a turquoise baseball cap.¡­ She must be somewhere.¡­ I can¡¯t have missed her, surely.¡­ There! I feel a burst of joyous adrenaline. She¡¯s right up at the front, of course. OK, time to make my move. I¡¯ll sprint up to her casually, gesture at my hat, and say, I think we¡¯re on the same team. And our close friendship will begin. I¡¯ve never really considered myself an athlete before, but as I charge forward, it¡¯s like some invisible force is powering me. I¡¯m overtaking the wiry black girl! I¡¯m on fire! I¡¯m exhilarated! But still the turquoise cap is bobbing along ahead of me, tantalizingly out of reach, so I put on an extra spurt of energy. Somehow I succeed in drawing level with her. My face is boiling and my heart is hammering in my chest, but I manage to point at my hat and gasp, ¡°I think we¡¯re on the same team.¡± Page 15 The turquoise baseball cap turns ¡­ and it¡¯s not Sage Seymour. It¡¯s some girl with a pointy nose and brown hair, who gives me a blank look and ups her pace. She¡¯s not wearing a TEAM SAGE cap, either, just a plain turquoise one. I¡¯m so disconcerted, I stop dead and nearly get knocked over by a horde of runners. ¡°Jesus!¡± ¡°Out of the way!¡± ¡°One eighty-four, what are you doing?¡± Hastily, I move to one side and try to catch my breath. OK, so that wasn¡¯t Sage. But never mind. She¡¯ll be here somewhere. I just have to keep my eyes open for turquoise ¡­ turquoise ¡­ Yes! Over there! With a fresh surge of adrenaline, I plunge into the race again and chase after another turquoise baseball cap. But as I draw near, I can see already that it¡¯s not Sage. It¡¯s not even a girl. It¡¯s a skinny Italian-looking guy. Bloody hell. Panting hard, I head to a water station and take a sip of water, still desperately scanning the crowd of runners, refusing to give up. So I¡¯ve had two near misses. Never mind. I¡¯ll find her. I will. Wait, there¡¯s a flash of turquoise up ahead. That must be her.¡­ An hour later, I feel like I¡¯ve moved into a parallel universe. Is this ¡°the zone¡±? It feels more like hell. My lungs are pumping like pistons; my face is sweaty; I have blisters on both feet; I want to die¡ªand yet still I¡¯m moving. It¡¯s as if some magic force is keeping me going. I keep seeing turquoise baseball caps in the crowd. I keep chasing them. I¡¯ve approached one blond girl four times now. But none of them is Sage. Where is she? Where is she? And where are these bloody endorphins? I¡¯ve been running for ages and haven¡¯t had a single one. It¡¯s all lies. Nor have I seen a single Hollywood landmark. Have we even passed any? Oh God, I have to drink some water. I head to the next water stand decorated with helium balloons. I grab one paper cup and pour the water over my head, then gulp at a second. There¡¯s a crowd of cheerleaders in red costumes doing a routine nearby, and I look at them enviously. Where do they get all that energy from? Maybe they have special springy cheerleaders¡¯ boots. Maybe if I had glittery pom-poms to shake, I¡¯d run faster. ¡°Becky! Over here! Are you all right?¡± I straighten up, panting, and look around in a daze. Then I spot Luke on the other side of the barricade. He¡¯s holding a Ten Miler flag and gazing at me in alarm. ¡°Are you all right?¡± he repeats. ¡°Fine.¡± My voice comes out rasping. ¡°All good.¡± ¡°I thought I¡¯d come along to support you.¡± He eyes me in amazement as I stagger toward him. ¡°You¡¯re making incredibly good time. I didn¡¯t realize you were so fit!¡± ¡°Oh.¡± I wipe my sweaty face. ¡°Right.¡± I hadn¡¯t even thought about how quickly I was going. The whole race has been a blur of chasing turquoise baseball caps. ¡°Did you get my text?¡± ¡°Huh?¡± ¡°About Sage pulling out.¡± I stare up at him blankly, the blood still pumping in my ears. Did he just say ¡­ ¡°She sends her apologies,¡± he adds. ¡°You mean ¡­ she¡¯s not in the race?¡± I manage. ¡°At all?¡± I¡¯ve been chasing all those turquoise baseball caps for nothing? ¡°A friend of hers decided to take a bunch of pals on a trip to Mexico,¡± says Luke. ¡°She and her whole team are on a plane as we speak.¡± ¡°The whole team have pulled out?¡± I¡¯m trying to make sense of this. ¡°But they trained! They went to Arizona!¡± ¡°Maybe they did. But they pretty much move in a pack,¡± he says drily. ¡°If Sage says, Let¡¯s go to Mexico, they go to Mexico. Becky, I¡¯m sorry. You must be disappointed.¡± He touches my shoulder. ¡°I know you only ran the race to meet Sage.¡± His sympathy hits a nerve in me. Is that what he thinks? I mean, I know it¡¯s the truth, but it shouldn¡¯t be what he thinks. Husbands should think the best of their wives, as a matter of principle. ¡°I didn¡¯t only run the race to meet Sage!¡± I say, drawing myself up tall with an affronted expression. ¡°I did it because I love running and I wanted to support the charity. I hadn¡¯t even thought about whether Sage was in the race or not.¡± ¡°Ah.¡± Luke¡¯s face flickers. ¡°Well, then, bravo. Not much longer to go.¡± As it hits me, my heart plummets. I haven¡¯t finished. Oh God. I can¡¯t run anymore. I just can¡¯t do it. ¡°It¡¯s four miles more.¡± Luke is consulting a race map. ¡°You¡¯ll do that in no time!¡± he adds cheerfully. Page 16 Four miles? Four whole miles? As I look at the road ahead, my legs feel wobbly. My feet are aching. Runners are still pounding by, but the thought of getting back into the fray fills me with dread. A guy in a turquoise baseball cap powers by, and I scowl at him. I¡¯ll be happy if I never see a turquoise baseball cap again. ¡°I¡¯d better limber up before I start again,¡± I say, playing for time. ¡°My muscles are cold.¡± I lift up my foot to do a quad stretch. I count very slowly up to thirty and then do the other side. Then I flop down and let my head dangle in front of my knees for a couple of minutes. Mmm. This is nice. Maybe I¡¯ll stay here for a while. ¡°Becky?¡± Luke¡¯s voice penetrates my consciousness. ¡°Sweetheart, are you OK?¡± ¡°I¡¯m stretching,¡± I inform him. I raise my head, stretch out my triceps, and then do a few yoga-type poses I¡¯ve seen Suze do. ¡°Now I¡¯d better hydrate,¡± I add. ¡°It¡¯s really important.¡± I reach for a cup of water and sip it slowly, then fill another and hand it to a passing runner. I might as well be helpful while I¡¯m here. I fill a few more cups with water, ready to hand out, and straighten a stack of energy bars. There are empty wrappers everywhere, so I begin to gather them up and put them in the bin. Then I retie a couple of balloons which have come loose and adjust some streamers. Might as well make the stand look tidy. I suddenly notice that the guy behind the water stand is staring at me as though I¡¯m insane. ¡°What are you doing?¡± he says. ¡°Shouldn¡¯t you be running?¡± I feel a bit indignant at his tone. I¡¯m helping him. He could be more grateful. ¡°I¡¯m on a stretch break,¡± I explain, and look up to see that Luke is surveying me quizzically. ¡°You must be pretty well stretched out,¡± he says. ¡°Are you going to start running again now?¡± Honestly. All this pressure to run the whole time. ¡°I just need to ¡­¡± I interlace my fingers and stretch them out. ¡°Mmm. I have a lot of tension there.¡± ¡°Lady, you¡¯re gonna miss the whole thing,¡± says the waterstand guy. He gestures at the road. ¡°That¡¯s the last bunch.¡± It¡¯s true: The race is thinning out by now. Only the last few stragglers are left. The spectators are drifting away too. The whole atmosphere is kind of melting away. I can¡¯t put it off anymore. ¡°Right.¡± I try to sound positive. ¡°Well, I¡¯ll quickly run those last four miles, then. Shouldn¡¯t take long. Great.¡± I take a deep breath. ¡°I¡¯ll just get going, then.¡± ¡°Or ¡­¡± says Luke, and my head jerks up. ¡°Or what?¡± ¡°I was wondering, Becky, if you didn¡¯t mind slowing your pace to mine, maybe we could walk it? Together?¡± ¡°Walk it?¡± He puts his hand over the barricade and clasps mine. By now we¡¯re practically the only people around. Behind us, workmen are beginning to dismantle the barricades and pick up litter with special sticks. ¡°Not often we get a chance to walk in L.A.,¡± he adds. ¡°And we¡¯ve got the street to ourselves.¡± I want to expire with relief. ¡°Well, OK,¡± I say after a pause. ¡°I don¡¯t mind walking. Although obviously I would very much have preferred to run.¡± ¡°Obviously.¡± He shoots me an amused little grin, which I ignore. ¡°Shall we?¡± We start to walk along, picking our way through the paper cups and energy-bar wrappers left everywhere. I tighten my fingers around his and he squeezes my hand back. ¡°Come this way.¡± Luke leads me to the right, off the street and onto the pavement¡ªor sidewalk, as I must start calling it. ¡°You know where we are?¡± ¡°Hollywood? Los Angeles?¡± I look at him suspiciously. ¡°Is this a trick question?¡± Luke makes no answer, just nods at the sidewalk. And suddenly I get it. ¡°Oh!¡± I look down with a beam. ¡°Oh my God!¡± ¡°I know.¡± We¡¯re standing on the stars. The Hollywood Walk of Fame, which I¡¯ve seen a million times on TV but never for real. I feel as though Luke has put it there especially as a present for me, all shiny and pink. ¡°Edward Arnold!¡± I exclaim, reading a name and trying to sound reverent. ¡°Wow! Um ¡­¡± ¡°No idea,¡± says Luke. ¡°Someone famous. Clearly.¡± ¡°Clearly.¡± I giggle. ¡°And who¡¯s Red Foley?¡± ¡°Bette Davis,¡± says Luke, pointing at another star. ¡°Will that do you?¡± ¡°Ooh! Bette Davis! Let me see!¡± Page 17 For a while I do nothing but dart backward and forward, looking for famous names. This is the most Hollywood-y thing we¡¯ve done yet, and I don¡¯t care that we¡¯re being total saddo tourists. At last, we resume walking along, checking off famous names every now and again. ¡°I¡¯m sorry about your job.¡± Luke squeezes my hand. ¡°That¡¯s bad luck.¡± ¡°Thanks.¡± I shrug. ¡°But, you know, I¡¯ve been thinking about it, and maybe actually it¡¯s for the best. Bob Hope,¡± I add, pointing at his star. ¡°I agree!¡± says Luke with sudden eagerness. ¡°I didn¡¯t want to say so before¡ªbut do you really want to commit yourself to a job when we¡¯re only here for such a short time? This is a wonderful place to explore. I¡¯d just enjoy the healthy outdoor lifestyle with Minnie. Go hiking in the hills, play on the beach ¡­¡± That is so Luke. First the work ethic, now the ¡°healthy outdoor lifestyle¡±? What¡¯s he on about? I haven¡¯t come to L.A. for the ¡°healthy outdoor lifestyle,¡± I¡¯ve come for the ¡°celebrity-big-sunglasses-red-carpet lifestyle.¡± ¡°No, you don¡¯t understand. I¡¯ve got an even better idea. I¡¯m going to become a Hollywood stylist!¡± As I look up for Luke¡¯s reaction, I¡¯m taken aback. OK, so maybe I didn¡¯t expect him to shout Go, girl!, but neither did I expect this. His eyebrows are raised and furrowed at the same time. His mouth is turning down at the edges. I¡¯ve been married to Luke so long, I know his expressions off by heart, and this one is Number 3: How do I break it to Becky that I hate this idea? It¡¯s exactly the same expression he had when I suggested painting our bedroom purple. (I still say it would have been sexy.) ¡°What?¡± I demand. ¡°What?¡± ¡°It¡¯s a great idea ¡­¡± he begins carefully. ¡°Stop it,¡± I say impatiently. ¡°What do you really think?¡± ¡°Becky, you know Sage only hired me as a consultant on a short-term basis. If this whole venture works out, maybe Brandon Communications will open a media arm here and maybe I¡¯ll fly back and forth. But I can¡¯t imagine we¡¯ll relocate permanently.¡± ¡°So?¡± ¡°So, what will you do if you establish a whole new career here?¡± ¡°I dunno,¡± I say impatiently. ¡°Figure it out.¡± This is typical. Luke always lets practical plans get in the way of creative inspiration. ¡°It¡¯ll be a lot of hard work,¡± he¡¯s saying now, ¡°a lot of banging on doors, a lot of disappointment.¡­¡± ¡°You think I can¡¯t do it?¡± I say, affronted. ¡°My darling, I think you can do pretty much anything you put your mind to,¡± says Luke. ¡°However, I think to get into the world of Hollywood styling in three months will be, let¡¯s say, a challenge. But if you really want to¡ª¡± ¡°I don¡¯t just want to, I¡¯m going to.¡± Luke sighs. ¡°Well, then, of course I¡¯ll help. I¡¯ll ask around for some contacts, see what I can fix up¡ª¡± ¡°I don¡¯t need your help!¡± I retort. ¡°Becky, don¡¯t be silly.¡± ¡°I¡¯m not being silly,¡± I shoot back, feeling outraged. ¡°I don¡¯t want to rely on my husband. I¡¯m an independent woman, you know.¡± ¡°But¡ª¡± ¡°What, you think I can¡¯t break in to Hollywood on my own? You just watch. Katharine Hepburn,¡± I add. We walk on for a while in silence, not even bothering to say the names anymore, and gradually I simmer down. Actually, Luke¡¯s help would have been quite useful. In fact, really useful. But it¡¯s too late now; I¡¯ve said it. I¡¯ll have to find a way to do it on my own and show him. My mind starts working hard. Sage is still my most obvious way in. I¡¯m bound to meet her soon. And meanwhile I can plan a few outfits for her. Maybe I¡¯ll even buy her an accessory or two, just like a personal stylist would. Yes. Brilliant. And if Sage doesn¡¯t work out ¡­ well, I have other contacts, don¡¯t I? ¡°You know, Luke, I do have my own resources,¡± I say grandly. ¡°I have worked at Barneys, remember. I am a bit connected, remember. In fact I think you¡¯ll find I¡¯m even better connected than you.¡± And it¡¯s true! I met loads of Hollywood people when I worked at Barneys. At least three producers and a music consultant and a casting director. I¡¯ll contact all of them, and someone will be able to give me an entr¨¦e, and then¡ª Ooh, Lassie! From: Laird, Nick To: Brandon, Rebecca Page 18 Subject: Hi, Melanie, how are you?! Dear Mrs. Brandon, I am replying to your email to Melanie Young. I¡¯m sure that Melanie does remember you from her shopping appointments at Barneys and am glad you still recall ¡°how fab she looked in that Moschino pencil skirt.¡± Unfortunately, Melanie has recently given up producing, moved to a commune in Arkansas, and, according to her farewell speech, ¡°never wants to hear the word ¡®movie¡¯ again.¡± She will therefore be unable to help you launch yourself as a celebrity stylist or introduce you to Sarah Jessica Parker. I wish you every luck with your endeavors in Hollywood. Nick Laird Head of Development ABJ Pictures From: Quinn, Sandi To: Brandon, Rebecca Subject: Hi, Rosaline, how are you?! Dear Mrs. Brandon, I am replying to your email on behalf of Rosaline DuFoy, in my role as Rosaline¡¯s counselor. Rosaline does indeed remember you from her shopping appointments at Barneys and recalls well the ¡°amazingly slimming pantsuit¡± you found for her sister¡¯s wedding. Unfortunately, during the toasts at that wedding, her husband came out as gay. Rosaline has always¡ªrightly or wrongly¡ªblamed her ¡°androgynous clothes¡± for his switch in sexuality and is currently penning an autobiography entitled If Only I¡¯d Worn a F***ing Dress. As the memories are still raw and painful, she would rather not meet with you. However, I wish you every success in Hollywood. Best, Sandi Quinn Director Quinn Clinic for Marital Therapy How can Hollywood people all be so flaky? How? As soon as I got back to the UK, I looked up all my old contacts and sent off a stack of emails. But I haven¡¯t got anything out of it: not a lunch, not a meeting, not a phone number. Every single one of my former customers who worked in film seems to have moved jobs or had a nervous breakdown or something. The only one left was Genna Douglas, who was a customer of mine at Barneys and had the hugest collection of backless dresses. But after getting no reply, I Googled her, and it turns out she left her job at Universal a year ago to start a beauty salon. She¡¯s invented some treatment involving electric currents and honey and has been sued twice by disgruntled clients but is actively seeking investors. Hmm. Don¡¯t think I¡¯ll be pursuing that one. I¡¯m so disappointed. I thought I¡¯d be swimming in contacts. I thought I¡¯d be fixing up lunches at Spago and meetings with producers and saying to Luke casually, Oh, are you going to be on the Paramount lot this afternoon? I¡¯ll see you there. Anyway. On the plus side, I still have Sage. A genuine, copper-bottomed, A-list contact. And I haven¡¯t been sitting around doing nothing. I¡¯ve started working on some looks for her, and I really feel I¡¯m tuning in to her personality. Her world. ¡°So, look.¡± I spread a pale-blue brocade coat out on the bed for Suze to see. ¡°Isn¡¯t this fab?¡± Suze is my oldest friend in the world, and we¡¯re lolling on her bed in Hampshire with gossip magazines, just like we used to in the old days when we shared a flat in Fulham. Except that in those days, it meant lolling on an old Indian bedspread covered in cigarette burns and smelling of joss sticks. Whereas today we¡¯re lolling on a massive, ancient four-poster bed, with silk drapes and tapestry and wooden paneling that apparently Charles I carved his name in once. Or do I mean Charles II? Some Charles or other anyway. Suze is eye-wateringly posh. She lives in a stately home, and ever since her grandfather-in-law died, she¡¯s called Lady Cleath-Stuart, which sounds quite terrifyingly grown-up to me. ¡°Lady Cleath-Stuart¡± sounds like a ninety-year-old battle-ax swishing at people with a riding crop and barking, What? What? Not that I would ever tell Suze this. Anyway, she¡¯s pretty much the opposite of that. She¡¯s tall and leggy with long blond hair, which she¡¯s now chewing in an absent kind of way. ¡°Lovely!¡± she says, fingering the coat. ¡°Really gorgeous.¡± ¡°It¡¯s a great lightweight coat that Sage can just shrug on over jeans or whatever. It¡¯ll really suit the L.A. climate. And then she can wear flats or those boots I showed you before.¡­¡± ¡°Amazing collar.¡± She touches the gray frayed velvet. ¡°I know,¡± I say triumphantly. ¡°I found it in this tiny boutique. The label¡¯s new. It¡¯s Danish. Now look at this skirt.¡± I produce a minute denim skirt with ribbon edging, but Suze is still surveying the coat, her brow crumpled. ¡°So you¡¯ve bought this coat for Sage? And all these other things?¡± ¡°Exactly! That¡¯s the point of being a stylist. I found the skirt in a vintage shop in Santa Monica,¡± I add. ¡°The owner customizes all the clothes herself. Look at the buttons!¡± Page 19 Suze doesn¡¯t even seem to see the buttons. She reaches for a T-shirt, which would be perfect for Sage to wear when she¡¯s hanging out at a coffee shop with Jennifer Garner or somebody. ¡°But, Bex, isn¡¯t all this shopping costing you a lot of money?¡± ¡°Shopping?¡± I echo incredulously. ¡°Suze, it¡¯s not shopping. It¡¯s investing in my job. And I usually get a discount. Sometimes I even get things for free. I just have to tell them that I¡¯m shopping for Sage Seymour, and bingo!¡± It¡¯s amazing how excited shop owners get when you mention Sage Seymour. They practically throw clothes at you! ¡°But you¡¯re not shopping for Sage Seymour,¡± says Suze flatly. I stare at her, perplexed. Hasn¡¯t she been following what I¡¯m saying? ¡°Yes, I am! Of course I am! These things aren¡¯t even my size!¡± ¡°But she hasn¡¯t asked you to. She doesn¡¯t even know who you are.¡± I feel a twinge of resentment. Suze doesn¡¯t have to remind me. It¡¯s not my fault I have the crappest husband in the world, who refuses to introduce me to his celebrity clients. ¡°She will know who I am, as soon as Luke introduces us,¡± I explain patiently. ¡°And then we¡¯ll get chatting, and I¡¯ll have all these looks ready for her and become her personal stylist. Suze, I¡¯m building a whole new career!¡± I can see Suze is about to raise another objection, so I carry on hurriedly. ¡°And anyway, I¡¯m going to get double the use out of these clothes, because you¡¯re going to wear them and I¡¯m going to take your picture and I¡¯m going to build up a portfolio.¡± ¡°Ooh.¡± Suze perks up. ¡°You want me to be your model?¡± ¡°Exactly.¡± ¡°Cool!¡± Suze starts looking at the clothes with more interest and reaches for the coat again. ¡°Let¡¯s start with this.¡± She puts on the coat and I adjust the collar. Suze is so beautiful and willowy, she looks great in anything, and I feel a fizz of excitement at the thought of building up a library of amazing pictures. I¡¯ve been totally inspired by reading about Nenita Dietz on the Internet. When she moved to Hollywood twenty years ago, she didn¡¯t know anyone. But she wangled her way onto the set of Love¡¯s Breezing, marched into the office of the head of wardrobe, and wouldn¡¯t leave until he¡¯d looked at her portfolio. He was so impressed, he employed her immediately. And then the star, Mary-Jane Cheney, hired her as a personal stylist, and it all snowballed from there. Well, I can do that too. I just need to put together a portfolio and get on a film set somehow. Suze is now wearing the brocade coat, a beret, and a pair of sunglasses, and is posing in front of the mirror. ¡°You look fab,¡± I say. ¡°Tomorrow I¡¯ll do your hair and makeup and we¡¯ll have a proper shoot.¡± Suze comes back to the bed and starts riffling through a bag of skirts. ¡°These are nice too.¡± She holds one up against herself and looks at the label. ¡°Oh, they¡¯re by Danny.¡± ¡°I phoned his office and they sent a whole bunch over,¡± I explain. ¡°They¡¯re from the new collection. You know, Sarah Jessica Parker¡¯s assistant asked especially to see a sneak preview?¡± I add. ¡°Danny told me himself.¡± ¡°Ooh, SJP!¡± Suze¡¯s head pops up. ¡°Is she in L.A.? Have you met her?¡± ¡°No,¡± I say, and Suze sighs. ¡°Haven¡¯t you met anyone famous?¡± This is what everyone has been asking me since I got back. Mum, Dad, our neighbors Janice and Martin, everyone. I¡¯m tired of saying, ¡°No, I haven¡¯t met anyone famous.¡± And the truth is, I did meet someone famous, didn¡¯t I? I mean, I know I promised to keep it a secret. But Suze is my best friend. Telling a best friend doesn¡¯t count. ¡°Suze,¡± I say, lowering my voice. ¡°If I tell you something, you can¡¯t tell a soul. Not Tarkie, not anyone. I¡¯m serious.¡± ¡°I promise,¡± she says, her eyes wide. ¡°What is it?¡± ¡°I met Lois Kellerton.¡± ¡°Lois Kellerton?¡± She sits straight up. ¡°Oh my God! You never told me that!¡± ¡°I¡¯m telling you now! But I didn¡¯t just meet her.¡­¡± Suze is the best person to share stuff with. As I tell her about seeing Lois Kellerton shoplifting and about chasing her down the street, she gasps and puts her hand to her mouth and says, ¡°No way,¡± several times. ¡°¡­ and I promised not to tell anyone,¡± I conclude. ¡°Well, I won¡¯t blab,¡± says Suze at once. ¡°Anyway, who would I tell? The children? The sheep? Tarkie?¡± Page 20 We both start giggling. Tarkie probably has no idea who Lois Kellerton is, even. ¡°But it¡¯s so weird,¡± Suze adds, her brow creased in thought. ¡°I can¡¯t believe it. Why would a big movie star like that steal socks?¡± ¡°I haven¡¯t told you everything yet,¡± I say, and reach into my pocket. ¡°Look what arrived at the hotel.¡± I still can¡¯t believe this happened. It was on the last day of our trip, when I was having a small private word with the front desk about the minibar bill. (I didn¡¯t necessarily want Luke seeing how many Toblerones I¡¯d eaten.) The concierge caught sight of me and said, ¡°Ah, Mrs. Brandon, this has just arrived for you.¡± It was a smart white package, and inside was a small silver box engraved with three words: Thank you Becky. There was no note. But I instantly knew who it was from. She must have tracked me down. Or I guess her people did. Now I hand it to Suze, who turns it over in her fingers wonderingly. ¡°Wow,¡± she says at last. ¡°It¡¯s beautiful.¡± ¡°I know.¡± ¡°So this is, like, a bribe.¡± Bribe? ¡°It¡¯s not a bribe!¡± I say, stung. ¡°No,¡± Suze backtracks at once. ¡°Sorry. I didn¡¯t mean ¡®bribe.¡¯ I meant¡ª¡± ¡°It¡¯s a thank-you,¡± I say defensively. ¡°Look. It says, Thank you.¡± ¡°Exactly! That¡¯s what I meant. A thank-you.¡± She nods several times, but now the word ¡°bribe¡± is circling around my brain. ¡°Anyway, what was she like?¡± Suze demands. ¡°What did she look like? What did she say?¡± ¡°Just thin, really. Stressed-out-looking. I hardly spoke to her.¡± ¡°She¡¯s not in good shape, you know,¡± Suze says. ¡°Apparently her latest movie is beset with problems. It¡¯s millions over budget and the buzz isn¡¯t good. She¡¯s taken on the role of producer for the first time, but she¡¯s bitten off more than she can chew.¡± ¡°Really?¡± ¡°Oh yes.¡± Suze nods knowledgeably. ¡°Insiders on set claim the star¡¯s high-handed approach has made her enemies among the crew. No wonder she¡¯s stressed out.¡± I stare at Suze in astonishment. Has she memorized every single gossip magazine? ¡°Suze, how do you know all this stuff? Have you been watching Camberly on cable again?¡± I say severely. Camberly is the hottest show in the States right now. Everyone is saying Camberly is the new Oprah, and her interviews get huge press every week, and they show them on E4 in England. Suze twisted her ankle a couple of weeks ago and she got totally addicted, especially to the gossip segment. ¡°Well, I¡¯ve got to do something while my best friend is in L.A.!¡± says Suze, suddenly sounding disconsolate. ¡°If I can¡¯t go there, at least I can watch interviews about it.¡± She gives a gusty sigh. ¡°Oh, Bex, I can¡¯t believe you¡¯re going to be in Hollywood and meet movie stars all the time and I¡¯m stuck here. I¡¯m so envious!¡± ¡°Envious?¡± I stare at her. ¡°How can you be envious of me? You live in this place! It¡¯s fantastic!¡± Suze¡¯s husband, Tarquin, is even grander than Suze, and when his grandfather died, they inherited this monster house, Letherby Hall. It¡¯s seriously vast. They have guided tours and a ha-ha and everything. (To be honest, I¡¯m still not sure which bit is the ha-ha. Maybe one of the twiddly bits on the roof?) ¡°But it isn¡¯t sunny,¡± objects Suze. ¡°And there aren¡¯t any movie stars. And all we do is have endless meetings about repairing eighteenth-century moldings. I want to go to Hollywood. You know, I always wanted to be an actress. I played Juliet at drama school.¡± She sighs again. ¡°I played Blanche DuBois. And now look at me.¡± I¡¯m always very tactful about Suze¡¯s ¡°drama school.¡± I mean, it wasn¡¯t exactly RADA. It was the kind where your father pays huge fees and you spend the spring term at the school skiing chalet in Switzerland and no one actually goes into acting, because they¡¯ve got a family business to inherit or something. But, still, I do feel for her. She is at a bit of a loose end, knocking around this massive house. ¡°Well, come out!¡± I say excitedly. ¡°Go on, Suze, come to L.A.! Have a little holiday. We¡¯d have such a laugh.¡± ¡°Oh ¡­¡± Her face is torn a million ways. I can see exactly what she¡¯s thinking. (This is why she¡¯d make a brilliant actress, in fact.) ¡°Tarkie can come too,¡± I say, to forestall her objections. ¡°And the children.¡± ¡°Maybe,¡± she says hesitantly. ¡°Except we¡¯re supposed to be focusing on business expansion this year. You know we¡¯re starting weddings? And Tarkie wants to create a maze, and we¡¯re revamping the tea rooms.¡­¡± Page 21 ¡°You can still have a holiday!¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know.¡± She looks doubtful. ¡°You know the pressure he feels.¡± I nod sympathetically. I do actually feel for old Tarkie. It¡¯s quite a burden, inheriting a stately home, with your whole family looking on beadily to see if you manage it properly. Apparently, every Lord Cleath-Stuart has added something special to Letherby Hall, through all the generations, like an east wing, or a chapel, or a topiary garden. In fact, that¡¯s why we¡¯re all here today. Tarkie¡¯s launching his first major addition to the house. It¡¯s called The Surge, and it¡¯s a fountain. It¡¯s going to be the highest fountain in the whole county and will be a big tourist attraction. Apparently he had the idea when he was ten, drew it in his Latin book, and kept it ever since. And now he¡¯s built it! Hundreds of people are coming to watch it being switched on, and the local TV station has interviewed him, and everyone is saying this could be the making of Letherby Hall. Suze says she hasn¡¯t seen Tarkie this nervous since he competed in the junior national dressage when they were both children, that time when he mucked up his half pass (which is apparently bad) and his father, who lives for horses, nearly disowned him as a result. So let¡¯s hope things go better this time. ¡°I¡¯ll work on Tarkie.¡± Suze swings her legs off the bed. ¡°C¡¯mon, Bex. We¡¯d better go.¡± The only disadvantage of living in a house like this is it takes you about six hours just to get from the bedroom to the garden. We walk through the Long Gallery (lots of ancient portraits) and the East Hall (lots of ancient suits of armor) and cut across the massive Great Hall. There we pause and breathe in the musty, woody aroma. Suze can burn as many Diptyque candles as she likes, but this room will always smell of Old House. ¡°It was amazing, wasn¡¯t it?¡± says Suze, reading my thoughts. ¡°Spectacular.¡± I sigh. We¡¯re talking about the birthday party that I threw for Luke, right here, what seems like no time ago. As if on cue, we both lift our eyes to the tiny first-floor balcony where Luke¡¯s mother, Elinor, stood, hidden, watching the proceedings. Luke never knew she was there, nor that she basically funded and helped to arrange the whole thing. She¡¯s sworn me to secrecy, which makes me want to scream with frustration. If only he knew that she paid for his party. If only he knew how much she¡¯d done for him. To call Luke¡¯s relationship with his mother ¡°love¨Chate¡± would be an understatement. It¡¯s ¡°adore¨Cloathe.¡± It¡¯s ¡°worship¨Cdespise.¡± At the moment we¡¯re on ¡°despise,¡± and nothing I can say will shift his opinion. Whereas I¡¯ve quite come round to her, even if she is the snootiest woman in the world. ¡°Have you seen her?¡± asks Suze. I shake my head. ¡°Not since then.¡± Suze looks troubled as she gazes around the room. ¡°What about if you just told him?¡± she says suddenly. I know Suze hates the secrecy as much as I do, because Luke has totally got the wrong end of the stick and thinks she and Tarkie paid for the party. ¡°I can¡¯t. I promised. She¡¯s got this whole thing about not wanting to buy his love.¡± ¡°Throwing someone a party isn¡¯t buying their love,¡± protests Suze. ¡°I think she¡¯s all wrong. I think he¡¯d be touched. It¡¯s so stupid!¡± she says with vehemence. ¡°It¡¯s such a waste! Think of all the time you could spend together, and with Minnie too.¡­¡± ¡°Minnie misses her,¡± I admit. ¡°She keeps saying, ¡®Where Lady?¡¯ But if Luke even knew they¡¯d been seeing each other, he¡¯d flip out.¡± ¡°Families.¡± Suze shakes her head. ¡°They¡¯re just the end. Poor old Tarkie¡¯s in a total tizz about the fountain, just because his father¡¯s here. I said to him, ¡®If your dad can¡¯t say anything positive, he should have stayed in Scotland!¡¯ ¡± She sounds so fierce, I want to laugh. ¡°We must hurry,¡± she adds, glancing at her watch. ¡°The countdown will have begun!¡± Suze¡¯s ¡°garden¡± is basically an enormous great park. There are huge lawns and acres of topiary and a famous rose garden and loads of special plants that I now can¡¯t remember. (I¡¯m definitely going on the proper tour one day.) We head down from the big graveled terrace to find that crowds are already gathering on the lawn and setting up deck chairs among the trees. Music is playing from loudspeakers, waitresses are circling with glasses of wine, and a massive electronic countdown board reads 16:43. There¡¯s a rectangular lake directly in front of the house, and that¡¯s where The Surge is. I¡¯ve only seen an artist¡¯s impression of it, but it¡¯s really pretty. It shoots straight up about a zillion feet and then falls down in a graceful arc. Then it swings backward and forward, and at the end it shoots little droplets into the air. It¡¯s so clever, and there are going to be colored lights in the evenings. Page 22 As we get near, we find a cordoned-off area for VIP visitors, where my mum and dad have commandeered a prime position, along with our neighbors Janice and Martin. ¡°Becky!¡± exclaims Mum. ¡°Just in time!¡± ¡°Becky! We¡¯ve missed you!¡± Janice gives me a hug. ¡°How was L.A.?¡± ¡°Great, thanks!¡± ¡°Really, love?¡± Janice clicks her tongue disbelievingly, as though I¡¯m putting a brave face on some personal tragedy. ¡°But the people. All those plastic faces and whale pouts.¡± ¡°Do you mean trout pouts?¡± ¡°And drugs,¡± puts in Martin ponderously. ¡°Exactly!¡± ¡°You need to be careful, Becky,¡± he adds. ¡°Don¡¯t let them suck you into their way of thinking.¡± ¡°Unhappiest city on the planet,¡± agrees Janice. ¡°It said so in the paper.¡± They¡¯re both staring at me mournfully, as though I¡¯m about to be carted off to a penal colony on Mars. ¡°It¡¯s a brilliant city,¡± I say defiantly. ¡°And we can¡¯t wait to get there.¡± ¡°Well, maybe you¡¯ll see Jess,¡± says Janice, as though this is the only possible ray of light. ¡°How far¡¯s Chile from L.A.?¡± ¡°It¡¯s ¡­¡± I try to sound knowledgeable. ¡°Not far. Same general area.¡± My half sister, Jess, is married to Janice and Martin¡¯s son, Tom, and they¡¯re out in Chile, where they¡¯re planning to adopt a little boy. Poor Janice is trying to wait patiently, but apparently it could be a year before they come back. ¡°Don¡¯t listen to them, love,¡± Dad chimes in cheerfully. ¡°L.A. is a fine city. I still remember the glint of the Cadillacs. The surf on the sand. And the ice-cream sundaes. Look out for those, Becky.¡± ¡°Right.¡± I nod patiently. ¡°Ice-cream sundaes.¡± Dad spent a summer driving around California before he got married, so his version of L.A. is basically from 1972. There¡¯s no point saying, No one eats ice-cream sundaes anymore; it¡¯s all about flavored fro-yo. ¡°In fact, Becky,¡± Dad adds, ¡°I¡¯ve got a couple of favors to ask you.¡± He draws me to one side, away from the others, and I look up at him curiously. Dad¡¯s aged a bit recently. His face is craggier and there are little white hairs tufting out of his neck¡ªalthough he can still vault over a gate quite athletically. I know this because he was showing off to Minnie earlier today in one of Suze¡¯s fields, while Mum cried out, ¡°Graham, stop! You¡¯ll do yourself an injury! You¡¯ll break a metatarsal!¡± (Mum has recently found a new daytime TV show, Doctor¡¯s Surgery Live, which means that she now thinks she¡¯s an expert on all things medical and keeps dropping words like ¡°platelets¡± and ¡°lipoproteins¡± into the conversation, even when we¡¯re just talking about what to have for supper.) ¡°What is it, Dad?¡± ¡°Well, the first thing is this.¡± He takes from his breast pocket a small paper bag and pulls out an ancient autograph book with a picture of a Cadillac on the front and California in white swirly writing. ¡°Remember this?¡± ¡°Of course!¡± Dad¡¯s autograph book is a family tradition. It gets pulled out every Christmas, and we all politely listen as he tells us about all the signatures. They¡¯re mostly autographs of obscure TV stars from American shows that no one¡¯s ever heard of, but Dad thinks they¡¯re famous, so that¡¯s all that matters. ¡°Ronald ¡®Rocky¡¯ Webster,¡± he¡¯s saying now, turning the pages fondly. ¡°He was a big star then. And Maria Pojes. You should have heard her sing.¡± ¡°Right.¡± I nod politely, even though I¡¯ve heard these names a million times and they still mean nothing to me. ¡°It was my friend Corey who spotted Maria Pojes drinking in a hotel bar,¡± Dad¡¯s saying. ¡°Our first night in L.A. He dragged me over, offered to buy her a drink.¡­¡± He laughs reminiscently. ¡°She wouldn¡¯t accept it, of course. But she was sweet to us. Signed our books.¡± ¡°Wow.¡± I nod again. ¡°Fantastic.¡± ¡°And so ¡­¡± To my surprise, Dad presses the open autograph book into my hand. ¡°Over to you, Becky. Fill her up with some new blood.¡± ¡°What?¡± I stare at him. ¡°Dad, I can¡¯t take this!¡± ¡°Half the book¡¯s empty.¡± He points at the blank pages. ¡°You¡¯re off to Hollywood. Finish the collection.¡± I look at it nervously. ¡°But what if I lose it or something?¡± ¡°You won¡¯t lose it. But you¡¯ll have adventures.¡± Dad¡¯s face flickers oddly. ¡°Oh, Becky, love, I am envious. I¡¯ve never known anything like those adventures I had in California.¡± Page 23 ¡°Like the rodeo?¡± I say. I¡¯ve heard that story a zillion times. ¡°That.¡± He nods. ¡°And ¡­ other things.¡± He pats my hand, twinkling. ¡°Get me John Travolta¡¯s signature. I¡¯d like that.¡± ¡°What¡¯s the other favor?¡± I say, putting the autograph book carefully into my bag. ¡°Just a small thing.¡± He reaches into his pocket and produces a slip of paper. ¡°Look up my old friend Brent. He always lived in Los Angeles. This is his old address. See if you can track him down. Say hello from me.¡± ¡°OK.¡± I look at the name: Brent Lewis. There¡¯s an address in Sherman Oaks and a phone number. ¡°Why don¡¯t you call him up?¡± I suggest. ¡°Or text him? Or Skype! It¡¯s easy.¡± As I say the word ¡°Skype,¡± I can see Dad recoiling. We once tried to Skype Jess in Chile, and it wasn¡¯t exactly a resounding success. The picture kept freezing, so we gave up. But then the sound suddenly came back on and we could hear Jess and Tom having a row about Janice while they made their supper. It was all a bit embarrassing. ¡°No, you go and say hello,¡± says Dad. ¡°If he wants to, we can take it from there. Like I say, it¡¯s been a long time. He may not be interested.¡± I really don¡¯t get the older generation. They¡¯re so reticent. If it were me getting in touch with my old friend from all those years ago, I¡¯d be sending them a text instantly: Hi! Wow, it¡¯s been decades! How did THAT happen? Or I¡¯d track them down on Facebook. But Dad and Mum just aren¡¯t into it. ¡°Fine,¡± I say, and put the piece of paper into my bag too. ¡°What about your other two friends?¡± ¡°Corey and Raymond?¡± He shakes his head. ¡°They live too far away. Las Vegas, Corey is. I think Raymond¡¯s in Arizona somewhere. I¡¯ve stayed in touch with them ¡­ at least, I have in a way. But Brent just disappeared.¡± ¡°Shame you didn¡¯t have Facebook back then.¡± ¡°Indeed.¡± He nods. ¡°Oh, thank you so much! They¡¯re a new present from my husband.¡± Mum¡¯s voice rises above the hubbub, and I turn to look. Some lady I don¡¯t recognize is admiring her pearls, and Mum is preening in delight. ¡°Yes, lovely, aren¡¯t they?¡± I grin at Dad, who winks back. Mum was so thrilled with her pearls. They¡¯re antique, from 1895, with a ruby clasp set in diamonds. (I helped her go shopping for them, so I know all the details.) Dad¡¯s BB was bigger than usual this year, so we all went a bit mad. BB is our family shorthand for ¡°Big Bonus.¡± Dad worked in insurance for years, and now he¡¯s retired. But he still does consulting work, and it¡¯s amazingly well paid. He goes off a few times a year in a suit, and then once a year he receives a bonus check and we always get a treat. This year it was particularly good, because Mum got her pearls, and he bought me an Alexis Bittar necklace and Minnie a new dollhouse. Even Luke got a beautiful pair of cuff links. Luke always says to me that Dad must have some sort of niche specialist knowledge that is really valuable, because he commands such high fees. But he¡¯s so modest about it. You¡¯d never know. ¡°My clever husband.¡± Mum kisses Dad fondly. ¡°You look beautiful, my love!¡± Dad beams back. Dad bought himself a new tweed jacket with his share of the BB, and he looks really good in it. ¡°Now, where¡¯s this famous fountain?¡± A few feet away, Tarquin is being interviewed for the TV. Poor Tarkie. He¡¯s not cut out to be a media star. He¡¯s wearing a checked shirt that makes his neck look bonier than ever, and he keeps wringing his hands as he speaks. ¡°Ahm,¡± he keeps saying. ¡°Ahm, we wanted to ¡­ ahm ¡­ enhance the house.¡­¡± ¡°Bloody stupid idea,¡± comes a gruff voice behind me. Oh God, it¡¯s Tarkie¡¯s dad, the Earl of Whatsit, stalking up. (I can never remember where he¡¯s earl of. Somewhere Scottish, I think.) He¡¯s tall and lanky with thin, graying hair and an Aran jersey, just like Tarkie wears. I¡¯ve never spoken to him properly, but he¡¯s always seemed pretty scary. Now he¡¯s glowering at the lake and jabbing a weather-beaten finger at it. ¡°I said to the boy, that view¡¯s been unspoiled for three hundred years. Why on earth would you want to go messing with it?¡± ¡°They¡¯re going to do fireworks on the lake in winter,¡± I say, wanting to stand up for Tarkie. ¡°I think it will be beautiful!¡± The earl gives me a withering look and turns his attention to a plate of canap¨¦s being offered to him. ¡°What¡¯s this?¡± Page 24 ¡°Sushi, sir,¡± says the waitress. ¡°Sushi?¡± He peers at her with bloodshot eyes. ¡°What?¡± ¡°Rice and raw salmon, sir. Japanese.¡± ¡°Bloody stupid idea.¡± To my relief he stalks off again, and I¡¯m about to take a piece of sushi myself, when I hear a familiar earsplitting noise. ¡°Please! Pleeeease!¡± Oh God. It¡¯s Minnie. For a long time, my daughter¡¯s favorite word was ¡°mine.¡± Now, after intensive training, we¡¯ve got her on to the word ¡°please.¡± Which you¡¯d think would be an improvement. I swivel around wildly and finally spot Minnie. She¡¯s balanced on a stone bench, tussling with Suze¡¯s son Wilfrid over a red plastic truck. ¡°Pleeease!¡± she¡¯s yelling crossly. ¡°Pleeease!¡± Now, to my horror, she starts hitting Wilfrid with the truck, yelling with each blow: ¡°Please! Please! Please!¡± The trouble is, Minnie hasn¡¯t really absorbed the spirit of the word ¡°please.¡± ¡°Minnie!¡± I exclaim in horror, and run toward her across the lawn. ¡°Give the truck to Wilfie.¡± Luke is coming toward her, too, and we exchange wry looks. ¡°Please truck! Pleeease!¡± she cries, clutching it harder. A few people gathered around start to laugh, and Minnie beams at them. She is such a show-off, but she¡¯s so adorable with it, it¡¯s hard to stay cross. ¡°Hey, Becky,¡± says a cheerful voice behind me, and I turn to see Ellie, who is Suze¡¯s nanny and absolutely brilliant. (There¡¯s also Nanny, who looked after Tarkie when he was little and has never left. But she just potters around and tells people to wear undershirts.) ¡°I¡¯m taking the other children to watch from the steps there.¡± She points at a bank on the other side of the lake. ¡°They¡¯ll get a better view. Does Minnie want to come?¡± ¡°Oh, thanks,¡± I say gratefully. ¡°Minnie, if you want to go to the steps with the others, you have to give the truck to Wilfie.¡± ¡°Steps?¡± Minnie pauses at this new word. ¡°Yes! Steps! Exciting steps.¡± I grab the truck from her and give it back to Wilfie. ¡°Go with Ellie, sweetheart. Hey, Tarquin!¡± I call, as I see him hurrying by. ¡°This all looks spectacular.¡± ¡°Yes.¡± Tarquin seems a bit desperate. ¡°Well, I hope so. There¡¯s a water-pressure problem. Whole area¡¯s affected. Terrible timing for us.¡± ¡°Oh no!¡± ¡°Turn it up,¡± Tarkie says feverishly into his walkie-talkie. ¡°Whatever it takes! We don¡¯t want a feeble little gush, we want a spectacle!¡± He looks up at us and grimaces. ¡°Fountains are trickier blighters than I realized.¡± ¡°I¡¯m sure it¡¯ll be great,¡± Luke says reassuringly. ¡°It¡¯s a marvelous idea.¡± ¡°Well, I hope so.¡± Tarkie wipes his face, then checks the countdown clock, which reads 4:58. ¡°Crikey. I must go.¡± The crowd is getting bigger and there are now two local TV news crews interviewing people. Luke takes a couple of glasses of wine and hands me one, and we clink glasses. As we near the cordoned-off VIP area, I can see Suze talking animatedly to Tarquin¡¯s business manager, Angus. ¡°Tarkie must surely have business interests in the States,¡± she¡¯s saying. ¡°I¡¯m certain he needs to do a trip out there. Don¡¯t you agree?¡± ¡°It¡¯s really not necessary, Lady Cleath-Stuart,¡± Angus says, looking surprised. ¡°All the U.S. investments are taken care of.¡± ¡°Do we have any investments in California?¡± persists Suze. ¡°Like an orange grove or something? Because I think we should visit them. I¡¯ll go, if you like.¡± She looks over at me and winks, and I beam back. Go, Suze! The earl and countess are making their way to the front of the crowd now, forging a path with their shooting sticks and staring critically at the lake. ¡°If he wanted to build something,¡± the earl is saying, ¡°what¡¯s wrong with a folly? Tuck it away somewhere. But a fountain? Bloody stupid idea.¡± I stare at him angrily. How dare they come along and be so critical? ¡°I disagree,¡± I say coolly. ¡°I believe this fountain will be a major landmark in the country for centuries to come.¡± ¡°Oh, you do, do you?¡± He fixes his baleful gaze on me, and I lift my chin. I¡¯m not afraid of some old earl. ¡°Yes,¡± I say defiantly. ¡°Today will be unforgettable. You¡¯ll see.¡± ¡°Sixty! Fifty-nine!¡± the loudspeaker guy starts chanting, and I feel a rush of excitement. At last! Tarkie¡¯s fountain! I clutch Suze¡¯s hand and she beams back excitedly. Page 25 ¡°Twenty-three ¡­ twenty-two ¡­¡± The whole crowd is chanting by now. ¡°Where¡¯s Tarkie?¡± I say over the noise. ¡°He should be here to enjoy it!¡± Suze shrugs. ¡°Must be with the technical guys.¡± ¡°Five ¡­ four ¡­ three ¡­ two ¡­ one ¡­ ladies and gentlemen ¡­ The Surge!¡± A roar of cheers breaks out as the fountain spurts up from the middle of the lake and hits the height of ¡­ Oh. OK. Well, it¡¯s about five feet. It¡¯s not that high for a fountain called The Surge. But maybe it¡¯ll go higher? Sure enough, it slowly rises up to about twelve feet, and there¡¯s a renewed cheering from the crowd. But as I look at Suze, she seems horrified. ¡°Something¡¯s gone wrong!¡± she exclaims. ¡°It should be about five times that height.¡± The water falls back down; then, as though with a massive effort, it pushes itself up to about fifteen feet. It drops a little, then rises again. ¡°Is that it?¡± the earl is saying contemptuously. ¡°Could do better myself with a hose. What did I tell you, Marjorie?¡± Now there¡¯s as much laughing in the crowd as there is cheering. Every time the fountain lifts, there¡¯s an outburst of cheering, and every time it drops down, everyone says, ¡°Ahhh!¡± ¡°It¡¯s the water pressure,¡± I say, suddenly remembering. ¡°Tarkie said there was a problem.¡± ¡°He¡¯ll be devastated.¡± Suze¡¯s eyes are bright with tears. ¡°I can¡¯t believe it. I mean, look at it. It¡¯s pathetic!¡± ¡°No it¡¯s not!¡± I say at once. ¡°It¡¯s brilliant. It¡¯s ¡­ subtle.¡± The truth is, it does look pathetic. But then there¡¯s an almighty bang! and a stream of water surges right up into the air, to what seems like a hundred feet. ¡°There you are!¡± I yell, and clutch Suze in excitement. ¡°It¡¯s working! It¡¯s amazing! It¡¯s fantastic! It¡¯s¡ªahh!¡± I break off with a strangled yell. Something¡¯s gone wrong. I don¡¯t know what. But this isn¡¯t right. A mass of water is falling at speed toward us, like a water cannon. We stare, transfixed¡ªthen it splats all over three people behind me, and they start screaming. A moment later, the fountain fires another water bomb into the air, and we all start holding our hands above our heads. Another moment later and there¡¯s another splat, and two more people are drenched. ¡°Minnie!¡± I call anxiously, waving my arms. ¡°Get away!¡± But Ellie is already shepherding the children back up the steps. ¡°Women and children to safety!¡± the earl is thundering. ¡°Abandon ship!¡± It¡¯s mayhem. People are running in all directions, trying to dodge the falling water. I manage to get up the slippery bank, then suddenly see Tarkie, standing apart from the crowd, his shirt soaked. ¡°Off! Off!¡± he¡¯s shouting into his walkie-talkie. ¡°Turn everything off!¡± Poor Tarkie. He looks stricken. He looks like he might cry. I¡¯m about to go and give him a hug when Suze comes running up, her eyes glowing with sympathy. ¡°Tarkie, never mind.¡± She throws her arms around him. ¡°All the best inventions have glitches at first.¡± Tarkie doesn¡¯t reply. He looks too devastated to speak. ¡°It¡¯s not the end of the world,¡± Suze tries again. ¡°It¡¯s just one fountain. And the idea is still brilliant.¡± ¡°Brilliant? Catastrophe, more like.¡± The earl is stepping forward over the puddles. ¡°Waste of time and money. How much did this fiasco cost, Tarquin?¡± He¡¯s jabbing with his shooting stick as he talks. I feel like jabbing him. ¡°Thought your fountain was supposed to entertain the troops, not drown the troops!¡± He gives a short, sarcastic laugh, but no one else joins in. ¡°And now that you¡¯ve bankrupted the place and made us a laughingstock, maybe you¡¯d like to take a few lessons in running a historic house properly? What?¡± I glance at Tarquin and flinch. He¡¯s turned puce with humiliation, and his hands are nervously rubbing against each other. My chest starts heaving with indignation. His father is awful. He¡¯s a bully. In fact, I¡¯m drawing breath to tell him so when a voice chimes in. ¡°Now, now.¡± My head jerks up in surprise: It¡¯s Dad, pushing his way through the throng, wiping his dripping forehead. ¡°Leave the boy alone. All great projects have stumbling blocks along the way. Bill Gates¡¯s first company failed completely, and look where he is now!¡± Dad has reached Tarquin and pats him kindly on the arm. ¡°You had a technical hitch. It¡¯s not the end of the world. And I think we can all see, this is going to be a fine sight when the details are perfected. Well done to Tarquin and all the Surge team.¡± Page 26 With deliberate resolve, Dad starts to applaud, and after a few seconds, the crowd joins in. There are even a few ¡°woohoos!¡± Tarquin is gazing at Dad with something close to adoration. The earl has retreated, looking all cross and left out, which is no surprise, as everyone is totally ignoring him. On impulse, I hurry forward and give Dad a hug, nearly spilling my wine as I do so. ¡°Dad, you¡¯re a star,¡± I say. ¡°And, Tarkie, listen, the fountain¡¯s going to be amazing. It¡¯s just teething troubles!¡± ¡°Exactly!¡± echoes Suze. ¡°It¡¯s just teething troubles.¡± ¡°You¡¯re very kind.¡± Tarquin gives a heavy sigh. He still looks fairly suicidal, and I exchange anxious looks with Suze. Poor Tarkie. He¡¯s worked so hard for months. He¡¯s lived and breathed his precious fountain. And whatever Dad says, this is a huge humiliation. I can see both TV crews still filming, and I just know this is going to be the comedy ¡°And Finally¡± piece on the news. ¡°Darling, I think we need a break,¡± Suze says at last. ¡°Clear our minds and have a rest.¡± ¡°A break?¡± Tarquin looks uncertain. ¡°What sort of break?¡± ¡°A holiday! Some time away from Letherby Hall, the fountain, all the family pressure ¡­¡± Suze flashes a mutinous glare at the earl. ¡°Angus says we need to make a trip to L.A., to check on our investments. He recommends a trip to California as soon as we can. I think we should definitely go.¡± PLEASE?GIVE?GENEROUSLY.?COM Give to the world ¡­ share with the world ¡­ enhance the world ¡­ YOU HAVE REACHED THE PLEDGE PAGE OF: DANNY KOVITZ Personal message from Danny Kovitz Dear Friends, I¡¯m inspired to be writing to you in this, my year of ¡°giving back,¡± of ¡°challenging myself,¡± of ¡°taking myself to a whole new place.¡± This year I will undergo a series of endeavors designed to test myself to the limit and raise funds for a number of very deserving causes. (See Danny¡¯s Charities.) I will undertake the feat of completing the following challenges in the space of one year. I know!! It¡¯s quite an undertaking. But it means the world to me to achieve this. Please follow the links and pledge generously, my darling, wonderful friends. Greenland Ice Sheet Expedition Ironman (Lake Tahoe) Ironman (Florida) Marathon des Sables (Sahara Desert) Yak Attack (mountain-bike race in Himalayas) Training is going well so far, and my trainer, Diederik, is SO pleased with my progress. (In case you are interested, you can look at Diederik on his site, Diederiknyctrainer.com. The pictures of him doing bench presses in the blue tight shorts are to DIE for.¡­ ) I¡¯ll keep you up to date with my journey. Next stop Greenland!!! Love you all. Danny xxx It¡¯s two weeks later. And I live in Hollywood. I, Becky Brandon, n¨¦e Bloomwood, live in Hollywood. I live in Hollywood! I keep saying it out loud to myself, to see if it feels any more real. But it still feels like I¡¯m saying, I live in fairyland. The house we¡¯re renting in the Hollywood Hills is made mostly of glass and has so many bathrooms, I¡¯m not sure what we¡¯re supposed to do with all of them. And there¡¯s a walk-in wardrobe and an outdoor kitchen. And a pool! And a pool guy! (He comes with the house and he¡¯s fifty-three with a paunch, sadly.) The most amazing thing is the view. Every night we sit on our balcony and look at all the twinkling lights of Hollywood, and I feel as if we¡¯re in a dream. It¡¯s a weird place, L.A. I can¡¯t quite get a grip on it. It¡¯s not like European cities, where you get to the center and think, Ah yes, here I am in Milan/?Amsterdam/?Rome. In L.A., you drive around endless great big roads and you peer out of the windows and think, Are we there yet? Also, the neighbors are not very neighborly. You don¡¯t see anyone. People don¡¯t peep over their fences and chat. They just drive in and out of their electronic gates, and by the time you¡¯ve chased after them, shouting, Hi! My name¡¯s Becky! D¡¯you want a cup of ¡­ they¡¯ve gone. We have met one neighbor, who¡¯s a plastic surgeon called Eli. He seemed very friendly, and we had a nice chat about rental prices and how he specializes in ¡°micro-lifts.¡± But all the while, he was eyeing me up with this critical stare. I¡¯m sure he was working out what he¡¯d do to me if he had me on the operating table. And apart from him, I haven¡¯t met anyone else in the street yet. Anyway. Never mind. I will meet people. Of course I will. I step into a pair of raffia wedges, toss my hair back, and survey my reflection in our massive hall mirror. It rests on top of a huge carved chest, and there are two monster armchairs opposite on the Mexican tiled floor. Everything in this house is massive: the squashy L-shaped sofa in the living room, which seats about ten; the four-poster bed in the master bedroom, which Luke and I practically get lost in; the vast, separate kitchen with its three ovens and vaulted brick ceiling. Even all the doors are huge, studded Mediterranean-looking affairs, made of reclaimed wood and with working locks. (I¡¯ve removed all the keys, though they¡¯re picturesque. Minnie and keys really don¡¯t mix.) It is a gorgeous house, I have to say. Page 27 But today my priority is not the house; it¡¯s my outfit. I focus on it intently, searching for flaws. I haven¡¯t felt so jittery about my look for ages. OK, let¡¯s do a rundown. Top: Alice & Olivia. Jeans: J Brand. Tasseled bag: Danny Kovitz. Cool hair-slidey thing: found at vintage market. I try a few poses, walking back and forth. I think I look good, but do I look good for L.A.? I reach for a pair of Oakleys and try them on. Then I try a pair of oversize Tom Ford sunglasses instead. Hmm. Not sure. Fabulous statement ¡­ or too much? My stomach is swooping with nerves, and the reason is, today is a huge day: I¡¯m taking Minnie to her preschool. It¡¯s called the Little Leaf Preschool, and we¡¯re very lucky to have got a place there. Apparently several celebrity kids go there, so I¡¯m definitely volunteering for the PTA. Imagine if I got in with the in crowd. Imagine if I got to organize the school fete with Courteney Cox or someone! I mean, it¡¯s possible, isn¡¯t it? And then she¡¯d introduce me to all the Friends cast ¡­ maybe we¡¯d go out on a boat or something amazing.¡­ ¡°Becky?¡± Luke¡¯s voice breaks into my thoughts, and he comes striding into the hall. ¡°I was just looking under the bed¡ª¡± ¡°Oh, hi,¡± I interrupt him urgently. ¡°Which sunglasses shall I wear?¡± Luke looks blank as I demonstrate first the Oakleys, then the Tom Fords, and then a pair of tortoiseshell Topshop ones, which are totally fab and only cost ¡ê15, so I bought three pairs. ¡°It hardly matters,¡± he says. ¡°It¡¯s just the school run.¡± I blink at him in astonishment. Just the school run? Just the school run? Doesn¡¯t he read Us Weekly? Everyone knows the school run is the thing! It¡¯s where the paparazzi snap celebrities acting like normal parents. It¡¯s where people rock their casual looks. Even in London, all the mothers look one another up and down and dandle their bags on their arms in a showy-offy way. So how much more pressured will it be in L.A., where they all have perfect teeth and abs and half of them are genuine celebs? I¡¯m going for the Oakleys, I decide, and slide them on. Minnie comes running into the hall, and I take her hand to survey our reflection in the mirror. She¡¯s in a cute little yellow sundress and white sunglasses, and her ponytail is held back with an adorable bumblebee. I think we¡¯ll pass. We look like an L.A. mother and daughter. ¡°All set?¡± I say to Minnie. ¡°You¡¯re going to have such a lovely time at preschool! You¡¯ll play games and maybe make lovely cupcakes with sprinkles on.¡­¡± ¡°Becky.¡± Luke tries again. ¡°I was just looking under the bed and I found this.¡± He holds up a garment carrier. ¡°Is it yours? What¡¯s it doing there?¡± ¡°Oh.¡± I adjust Minnie¡¯s ponytail, playing for time. Damn. Why is he looking under the bed? He¡¯s a busy L.A. mover and shaker. How does he have time to look under beds? ¡°It¡¯s for Sage,¡± I say at last. ¡°For Sage? You¡¯ve bought Sage a full-length fake-fur coat?¡± He stares at me in astonishment. Honestly, he hasn¡¯t even looked at it properly. It¡¯s not full length; it¡¯s to mid-thigh. ¡°I think it¡¯ll suit her,¡± I explain. ¡°It¡¯ll go with her hair color. It¡¯s a really different look for her.¡± Luke appears absolutely baffled. ¡°But why are you buying her clothes? You don¡¯t even know her.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know her yet,¡± I correct him. ¡°But you are going to introduce us, aren¡¯t you?¡± ¡°Well, yes, at some point.¡± ¡°So! You know I want to get into styling, and Sage would be a perfect client. So I¡¯ve been putting some looks together for her. That¡¯s all.¡± ¡°Wait a minute.¡± Luke¡¯s face changes. ¡°There were some other bags under the bed too. Don¡¯t tell me¡ª¡± I curse myself silently. I should never, ever put anything under the bed. ¡°Is that all shopping for Sage?¡± He looks so aghast, I feel defensive. First Suze, now Luke. Don¡¯t they understand anything about setting up a business? Don¡¯t they understand that to be a clothes stylist you need clothes? They wouldn¡¯t expect me to be a tennis player and not have a tennis racket. ¡°It¡¯s not ¡®shopping¡¯! It¡¯s essential business expenses. It¡¯s like you buying paper clips. Or photocopiers. Anyway, I¡¯ve used all those clothes for my portfolio too,¡± I add robustly. ¡°I took some brilliant pictures of Suze. So, actually, I¡¯ve saved money.¡± Luke doesn¡¯t seem convinced. Page 28 ¡°How much have you spent?¡± he demands. ¡°I don¡¯t think we should talk about money in front of Minnie,¡± I say primly, and take her hand. ¡°Becky ¡­¡± Luke gives me a long, sort of sighing look. His mouth is tucked in at one side and his eyebrows are in a ¡°V¡± shape. This is another of Luke¡¯s expressions I¡¯m familiar with. It means: How am I going to break this to Becky without her overreacting? (Which is very unfair, because I never overreact.) ¡°What?¡± I say. ¡°What is it?¡± Luke doesn¡¯t answer straightaway. He walks over to one of the monster armchairs and fiddles with a striped Mexican throw. You might almost say that he¡¯s putting the armchair between himself and me. ¡°Becky, don¡¯t get offended.¡± OK, this is a rubbish way to start any conversation. I¡¯m already offended that he thinks I¡¯m someone who could get offended. And anyway, why would I be offended? What¡¯s he going to say? ¡°I won¡¯t,¡± I say. ¡°Of course I won¡¯t.¡± ¡°It¡¯s just that I¡¯ve been hearing some really good stuff about a place called ¡­¡± He hesitates. ¡°Golden Peace. Have you heard of it?¡± Have I heard of it? Anyone who¡¯s ever read People magazine has heard of Golden Peace. It¡¯s the place where they wear bracelets and do yoga and where celebrities dry out and then pretend they were just a little tired. ¡°Of course I have. The rehab place.¡± ¡°Not only rehab,¡± says Luke. ¡°They do a lot of programs and deal with all kinds of ¡­ disorders. The guy I was talking to has a girlfriend who was a terrible hoarder. It was ruining her life. She went to Golden Peace and they really sorted out her issues. And I wondered if somewhere like that could be helpful. For you.¡± It takes me a moment to realize what he¡¯s saying. ¡°Me? But I¡¯m not a hoarder. Or an alcoholic.¡± ¡°No, but you do ¡­¡± He rubs his nose. ¡°You have had a history of spending issues, wouldn¡¯t you agree?¡± I inhale sharply. That¡¯s below the belt. Waaay below the belt. So I¡¯ve had a few minor problems in my time. So I¡¯ve had a couple of teeny financial blips. If I were an FTSE company, you¡¯d call them ¡°corrections¡± and just shove them at the back of the annual report and forget about them. Not drag them up at every opportunity. Not suggest rehab. ¡°So, what, I¡¯m an addict now? Thanks a lot, Luke!¡± ¡°No! But¡ª¡± ¡°I can¡¯t believe you¡¯re making these accusations in front of our child.¡± I clasp Minnie to me dramatically. ¡°What, you think I¡¯m an unfit mother?¡± ¡°No!¡± Luke rubs his head. ¡°It was just an idea. Nanny Sue suggested the same, remember?¡± I glare at him balefully. I don¡¯t want to be reminded of Nanny Sue. I¡¯m never hiring a so-called ¡°expert¡± again. Her brief was to help us with Minnie¡¯s behavior, and what did she do? Turn the spotlight on me. Start talking about my behavior, as if that¡¯s got anything to do with anything. ¡°Anyway, Golden Peace is an American place.¡± I suddenly think of a winning argument. ¡°I¡¯m British. So.¡± Luke looks perplexed. ¡°So what?¡± ¡°So it wouldn¡¯t work,¡± I say patiently. ¡°If I had issues, which I don¡¯t, they¡¯d be British issues. Totally different.¡± ¡°But¡ª¡± ¡°Want Grana,¡± chimes in Minnie. ¡°Want Grana make cupcakes. Please. Pleeeease.¡± Both Luke and I stop mid-flow and turn in surprise. Minnie has sunk down crosslegged onto the floor and looks up, her bottom lip trembling. ¡°Want Grana make cupcakes,¡± she insists, and a tear balances on her lashes. ¡°Grana¡± is what Minnie calls my mum. Oh God, she¡¯s homesick. ¡°Darling!¡± I put my arms round Minnie and hug her tight. ¡°Sweetheart, lovely girl. We all want to see Grana, and we¡¯ll see her very soon, but right now we¡¯re in a different place and we¡¯re going to make lots of new friends. Lots of new friends,¡± I repeat, almost to convince myself. ¡°Where¡¯s this come from?¡± murmurs Luke above Minnie¡¯s head. ¡°Dunno.¡± I shrug. ¡°I suppose because I mentioned making cupcakes with sprinkles, and she often makes cupcakes with Mum.¡± ¡°Minnie, my love.¡± Luke comes down onto the floor, too, and sits Minnie on his knee. ¡°Let¡¯s look at Grana and say hello, shall we?¡± He¡¯s taken my phone from off the carved chest and summons up my photos. ¡°Let¡¯s see ¡­ there she is! Grana and Grandpa!¡± He shows Minnie a picture of Mum and Dad dressed up for a flamenco night at their bridge club. ¡°And there¡¯s Wilfie ¡­¡± He scrolls to another picture. ¡°And Auntie Suze ¡­¡± Page 29 At the sight of Suze¡¯s cheerful face beaming out of my phone, I feel a tiny pang myself. The truth is, although I keep denying it to Luke, I am feeling a bit lonely here in L.A. Everyone feels so far away, there aren¡¯t any neighbors to speak of, and I don¡¯t have a job.¡­ ¡°Say, Hello, Grana!¡± Luke is cajoling Minnie, and after a moment she gives a little wave at the phone, her tears gone. ¡°And you know what, darling? It may seem a bit scary here to begin with. But soon we¡¯ll know lots of people in Los Angeles.¡± He taps the screen. ¡°Soon this phone will be full of pictures of all our new friends. It¡¯s always hard at first, but we¡¯ll settle in, I¡¯m sure we will.¡± Is he talking to Minnie or me? ¡°We¡¯d better go.¡± I smile gratefully at him. ¡°Minnie has toys to play with and I have new friends to make.¡± ¡°Attagirls.¡± He hugs Minnie, then stands up to kiss me. ¡°You knock ¡¯em dead.¡± Minnie¡¯s preschool is somewhere off Franklin Avenue, and although I¡¯ve driven there before, I arrive a bit flustered. God, driving in L.A. is stressy. I haven¡¯t got used to our rental car yet, at all. The controls seem to be in weird places, and I keep hooting the horn by mistake. And as for driving on the right-hand side, well, that¡¯s just wrong. It¡¯s unnatural. Plus, the roads in L.A. are far too big. They have too many lanes. London is far cozier. You know where you are. At last I manage to park the car, which is a Chrysler and also far too big. Why couldn¡¯t we have rented a Mini? I exhale, my heart still thumping, and turn to face Minnie, strapped into her car seat. ¡°We¡¯re here! Preschool time! Are you excited, darling?¡± ¡°Idiot American driver,¡± replies Minnie equably. I stare at her, aghast. Where did she get that from? I did not say that. Did I? ¡°Minnie, don¡¯t say that! That¡¯s not a nice word. Mummy didn¡¯t mean to say it. Mummy meant to say ¡­ lovely American cars!¡± ¡°Idiot,¡± says Minnie, ignoring me. ¡°Idiot American driver, Idiot American driver ¡­¡± She¡¯s singing it to the tune of ¡°Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.¡± ¡°Idiot American dri-ver ¡­¡± I cannot arrive on our first day at L.A. preschool with Minnie singing ¡°Idiot American Driver.¡± ¡°Idiot American dri-ver ¡­¡± She¡¯s getting louder and louder. ¡°Idiot American driiiiii-ver ¡­¡± Could I pretend it¡¯s a quaint old British nursery rhyme? No. But I can¡¯t sit here all day either. Other mothers with small children are getting out of their massive SUVs, all along the street. And we were supposed to arrive early today. ¡°Minnie, while we¡¯re walking to preschool, you can have a biscuit!¡± I say, raising my voice. ¡°But we have to be very, very quiet, like mice. No singing,¡± I add for emphasis. Minnie stops singing and eyes me suspiciously. ¡°Biscuit?¡± Result. Phew. (And, OK, I know it¡¯s bad to bribe your children, so I¡¯ll just feed her some extra green beans later, which will cancel it out.) Hastily, I jump out of the car and unstrap her. I hand her a chocolate chip cookie from my emergency stash and we start walking along the pavement. I mean sidewalk. I must get used to that. As we near the preschool, I¡¯m looking all around for paparazzi, but I can¡¯t see any. But, then, they¡¯re probably all hiding in bushes. There are a few mothers leading small children in through the gates, and I subtly scan their faces as we walk in with them. Hmm. I don¡¯t think any of them are celebs, although they¡¯re all toned and tanned, with shiny hair. Most of them are in workout gear, and I make a mental note to wear that tomorrow. I so want to fit in. I want Minnie to fit in and for both of us to make lots of friends. ¡°Rebecca!¡± Erica is greeting us, and I smile in relief to see a familiar face. Erica is about fifty, with straight red hair and very colorful clothes, like a character from a children¡¯s film. She¡¯s leader of the toddler program and has already sent me lots of emails about ¡°transition¡± and ¡°separation¡± and the ¡°joy of learning and self-discovery,¡± which I think means dressing up, only I don¡¯t quite dare ask. ¡°Welcome to your first day at Little Leaf, Minnie!¡± she adds, and escorts us into the Toddlers¡¯ Learning Center, which is basically a room full of toys, like any playgroup in England, only here they call them ¡°developmental aids.¡± ¡°Did you manage to park all right?¡± she adds, as she hangs Minnie¡¯s water bottle on her peg. ¡°I know some folks have had issues this morning.¡± Page 30 ¡°Oh, we were fine, thanks,¡± I say. ¡°No problems.¡± ¡°Where¡¯s the brake?¡± says Minnie suddenly, and beams at Erica. ¡°Where¡¯s the bloody brake in this bloody stupid car?¡± My face flushes bright red. ¡°Minnie!¡± I say sharply. ¡°Stop that! Where on earth did you¡ª Gosh, I¡¯ve got no idea¡ª¡± ¡°Idiot American dri-vers,¡± Minnie starts singing to ¡°Twinkle, Twinkle¡± again. ¡°Idiot American dri-vers ¡­¡± ¡°Minnie!¡± I practically yell. ¡°Stop! No singing!¡± I want to die. I can see Erica hiding a smile, and a couple of assistants are looking over. Great. ¡°Minnie¡¯s obviously a very receptive child,¡± says Erica politely. Yes. Far too bloody receptive. I am never saying anything in front of Minnie, ever again. ¡°Absolutely.¡± I try to regain my cool. ¡°Gosh, what a lovely sandpit. Go on, Minnie! Play with the sand!¡± ¡°Now, as I explained to you, we at Little Leaf follow a transitional separation program,¡± says Erica, watching as Minnie plunges her hands joyfully into the sandpit. ¡°This is the start of Minnie¡¯s great journey of independence as a human in this world. These are her first steps away from you. They need to be at her own pace.¡± ¡°Absolutely.¡± I¡¯m slightly mesmerized by Erica. She sounds like she¡¯s describing an epic trip round the world, not just a toddler going to playgroup. ¡°So I ask you, Rebecca, to stay by Minnie¡¯s side this first morning. Shadow her. Reassure her. Identify the exciting new discoveries she¡¯s making; see the world at her level. Minnie will be wary to begin with. Introduce her gradually to the concept of life away from Mommy. Watch her slowly blossom. You¡¯ll be amazed by her progress!¡± ¡°Right. Fantastic.¡± I nod earnestly. I can see another mother nearby, sitting with her blond curly-headed boy. The mother is pin-thin and dressed in several layers of T-shirts (I happen to know that each one of those T-shirts costs a hundred dollars, something that Mum would never understand in a million years), and she¡¯s watching intently as the little boy daubs paint on a sheet of paper. ¡°Interesting colors, Isaac,¡± she¡¯s saying seriously. ¡°I like the world you¡¯ve made.¡± As he smears paint on his face, she doesn¡¯t flicker. ¡°You¡¯re expressing yourself on your own body,¡± she says. ¡°You made that choice, Isaac. We can make choices.¡± Blimey. They do take everything seriously here. But if I¡¯m going to fit in, I¡¯ll have to be like that too. ¡°I¡¯ll be around if you need me.¡± Erica smiles. ¡°Enjoy this first morning of simultaneous discovery!¡± As she heads over to another child, I turn my phone off. I¡¯m feeling quite inspired by Erica. I¡¯m going to be totally focused on Minnie and her morning. OK. Here¡¯s the thing. It¡¯s all very well, Erica saying, ¡°Stay with Minnie.¡± I honestly want to. I want to be like a mother dolphin and its young, gliding along together in a beautiful duo, simultaneously discovering the world. But the thing about mother dolphins is, they don¡¯t have Legos to trip over, or playhouses to get in their way, or toddlers who can¡¯t make up their mind which direction to go in. It took about three seconds for Minnie to get bored with the sandpit and rush outside to the yard to play on a trike. I¡¯d just about got outside, stumbling over a box of blocks, when she changed her mind, dashed back in, and grabbed a dolly. Then she ran outside to hurl the dolly down the slide. She¡¯s been in and out about ten times. I¡¯m puffed out, just keeping up with her. All the time, I¡¯ve tried to keep up a stream of encouraging, reassuring chatter, but Minnie could not be less interested. All her anxiety from this morning seems to have disappeared, and when I tried to hug her tight just now, she wriggled away, exclaiming, ¡°No hug, Mummy! Toys!¡± ¡°So, you¡¯re discovering ¡­ er ¡­ gravity!¡± I say, as she drops a toy bear on the floor. ¡°Brilliant, darling! Now are you going to express yourself through water?¡± Minnie has headed over to the water tray and is swishing it around with abandon. ¡°You¡¯ve made the choice to splash yourself ¡­ Argh!¡± I cry out as Minnie sloshes water into my face. ¡°You¡¯ve made the choice to get me wet too. Wow. That was an ¡­ interesting choice.¡± Minnie isn¡¯t even listening. She¡¯s run over to the playhouse, which is quite adorable, like a little gingerbread cottage. Hastily, I follow her, almost tripping on the squidgy colorful alphabet matting. ¡°Now you¡¯re in the house!¡± I say, racking my brains for something to say. ¡°You¡¯re discovering ¡­ er ¡­ windows. Shall I come in too?¡± Page 31 ¡°No,¡± says Minnie, and slams the door in my face. She looks out of the window and scowls. ¡°No Mummy! Minnie house!¡± She bangs the shutters closed, and I sink onto my heels. I¡¯m exhausted. I can¡¯t think of any other discoveries to identify to Minnie. I want a cup of coffee. I pick up a toy with wooden beads strung along colored wires and idly start to fiddle with it. It¡¯s quite a good game, actually. You have to get the different-colored beads into the four corners, which is harder than it sounds.¡­ ¡°Rebecca?¡± Guiltily, I jump, dropping the game onto the play mat. ¡°Oh, hi, Erica!¡± ¡°How¡¯s Minnie doing?¡± Erica beams. ¡°Is she learning to take those gradual steps away from you?¡± ¡°She¡¯s playing in the house,¡± I say with a smile, and open the shutters¡ªbut the house is empty. Shit. ¡°Well, she was in the house.¡­¡± I cast my eyes around wildly. ¡°Oh, there she is.¡± Minnie has linked arms with another little girl and is marching her round the room singing ¡°My Old Man¡¯s a Dustman,¡± which my dad taught her. I try to follow them, but it¡¯s not easy, what with all the toddler trucks and jumbo foam blocks all over the place. ¡°Well done, darling!¡± I call. ¡°You¡¯re expressing yourself through song! Er ¡­ do you want to tell Mummy how you feel about that?¡± ¡°No,¡± says Minnie, and before I can catch her, she runs out into the yard, climbs to the top of the slide, and gazes down triumphantly. I glance at Erica, who looks lost for words. ¡°Minnie¡¯s a very ¡­ self-assured child,¡± she says at last. ¡°Very independent.¡± ¡°Er ¡­ yes.¡± We both watch as Minnie whirls a skipping rope round her head like a lasso. Soon all the other children on the slide are copying her and shouting, ¡°My old man¡¯s a dustman! My old man¡¯s a dustman!¡± even though they probably don¡¯t even know what a dustman is. They probably call it a ¡°garbage collector¡± or ¡°refuse sanitator¡± or something. ¡°Minnie seems to be transitioning with great confidence,¡± says Erica at last. ¡°Maybe you¡¯d like to sit in the parents¡¯ lounge, Rebecca. This is a facility for our parents of children who are at the latter stages of the transition program. It provides proximity yet independence and helps the child attain a sense of self while feeling secure.¡± I didn¡¯t follow a word of that. All I heard was ¡°sit in the parents¡¯ lounge,¡± which has got to be better than chase after my daughter, tripping over toy trucks and feeling like a moron. ¡°I¡¯d love to.¡± ¡°We also find it a useful forum for parents to exchange views on parenting issues. I¡¯m sure you¡¯re burning with questions on curriculum ¡­ socialization ¡­¡± ¡°Yes!¡± I perk up. ¡°Actually, I was wondering, do the mothers have lots of coffee mornings, parties, that kind of thing?¡± Erica shoots me an odd look. ¡°I meant socialization of the children.¡± ¡°Right.¡± I clear my throat. ¡°The children. Of course.¡± As we near the pale wooden door marked PARENTS¡¯ LOUNGE, I feel suddenly excited. At last! A chance to make some friends. What I need to do is launch myself wholeheartedly into school life and volunteer for everything, and then I¡¯m bound to meet some nice people. ¡°Here we are.¡± Erica swings open the door to reveal a room furnished with brightly colored foam chairs, on which are sitting three women, all dressed in workout gear. They¡¯re chatting avidly but stop and turn with friendly smiles. I beam back, noticing already that one of them has that cool embroidered bag I was looking at in Fred Segal. ¡°Let me introduce Rebecca,¡± Erica is saying. ¡°Rebecca is new to L.A., and her daughter, Minnie, is joining our toddler program.¡± ¡°Hi!¡± I wave round the room. ¡°Lovely to meet you all.¡± ¡°I¡¯m Erin.¡± ¡°Sydney.¡± ¡°Carola. Welcome to L.A.!¡± Carola, who has dark curly hair and lots of interesting-looking silver jewelry, leans forward as Erica leaves the room. ¡°How long have you been living here?¡± ¡°Not long. We¡¯re here temporarily for my husband¡¯s work.¡± ¡°And you got a place at Little Leaf?¡± ¡°I know!¡± I say brightly. ¡°We were so lucky!¡± Carola stares at me blankly for a moment, then starts shaking her head. ¡°No. You don¡¯t understand. No one just gets a place at Little Leaf. No one.¡± The others are nodding their heads emphatically. ¡°No one,¡± echoes Erin. Page 32 ¡°It doesn¡¯t happen,¡± chimes in Sydney. I want to point out that if no one gets a place at Little Leaf, what are all their children doing here? But they all look too intense. Clearly this is a serious subject. ¡°We didn¡¯t just ¡®get a place,¡¯ ¡± I explain. ¡°Minnie had to do a pre-test. And I think my husband made a donation,¡± I add a little awkwardly. Carola is staring at me as though I understand nothing. ¡°We all do the pre-test,¡± she says. ¡°We all make donations. What else did you do?¡± ¡°We wrote five letters,¡± says Erin with grim satisfaction. ¡°Five.¡± ¡°We¡¯ve pledged to build a rooftop garden for the school,¡± says Sydney. ¡°My husband and I have already engaged the architect.¡± ¡°We coached Alexa in karate,¡± adds Carola. ¡°She¡¯s here on a sports scholarship.¡± I stare at them all, openmouthed. Are these people nuts? I mean, I¡¯m sure it¡¯s a good preschool and everything. But, at the end of the day, it¡¯s still just children hitting one another with Play-Doh. ¡°Well, we just turned up,¡± I say apologetically. ¡°Sorry.¡± The door swings open and a woman with chestnut hair bounces in. She has merry dark eyes and is wearing a stylish blue swingy top over jeans, covering the teeniest little pregnancy bump. ¡°Hi!¡± she says, coming straight up to me. ¡°I¡¯m Faith. You¡¯re Rebecca, right? Erica told me we had a newcomer in our midst.¡± She has a gorgeous lilting Southern accent, which to my ear sounds as though it¡¯s from Charleston. Or Texas. Or maybe ¡­ Wyoming? Is that Southern? Do I mean Wisconsin? No. No. That¡¯s the cheese state. Whereas Wyoming is ¡­ OK, the truth is, I have no idea where Wyoming is. I must do Minnie¡¯s United States jigsaw puzzle and actually look at the names. ¡°Hi, Faith.¡± I smile back and shake her hand. ¡°Lovely to meet you.¡± ¡°Are these girls looking after y¡¯all?¡± Y¡¯all. I just love that. Y¡¯all. Maybe I¡¯ll start saying ¡°y¡¯all.¡± ¡°They sure are!¡± I say, putting a little twang in my voice. ¡°They surely are!¡± ¡°What we want to know is, how did she get a place?¡± Carola appeals to Faith. ¡°She walks in here off the street, writes the check, and she¡¯s in. I mean, who does that?¡± ¡°Didn¡¯t Queenie put in a good word for her?¡± says Faith. ¡°Because she was British? I think Erica said something about it.¡± ¡°Ohhhh.¡± Carola exhales like a deflating balloon. ¡°That¡¯s it. OK, now I understand. You were lucky.¡± She turns to me. ¡°That wouldn¡¯t happen to everybody. You need to thank Queenie. She did you a big favor.¡± ¡°Sorry, who¡¯s Queenie?¡± I say, trying to keep up. ¡°Our president of the PTA,¡± explains Sydney. ¡°She has a daughter in the toddler program too. You¡¯ll love her. She¡¯s so sweet.¡± ¡°She¡¯s super-fun.¡± Faith nods. ¡°She¡¯s British too! We call her Queenie because she talks like the Queen of England.¡± ¡°She organizes awesome social events,¡± says Carola. ¡°And she runs a moms¡¯ yoga class on Wednesday mornings. Knocks us all into shape.¡± ¡°It sounds amazing!¡± I say enthusiastically. ¡°I¡¯ll definitely come!¡± My spirits are higher than they¡¯ve been since we arrived in L.A. At last I¡¯ve found some friends! They¡¯re all so welcoming and fun. And this Queenie sounds fab. Maybe she and I will really hit it off. We can compare notes on living in L.A. and share pots of Marmite. ¡°How long has Queenie lived in L.A.?¡± I ask. ¡°Not too long. A couple of years, maybe?¡± ¡°She had quite the whirlwind romance,¡± puts in Faith. ¡°She and her husband met on a Tuesday and were married by that Friday.¡± ¡°No way!¡± ¡°Oh yes.¡± Faith laughs. ¡°It¡¯s a great story. You¡¯ll have to ask her about it.¡± She glances out of the window into the car park. ¡°Oh, here she comes now.¡± She waves and beckons at someone, and I sit up expectantly. ¡°Queenie!¡± exclaims Carola as the door opens. ¡°Come meet Rebecca.¡± ¡°Thank you so much for helping us¡ª¡± I begin, as the door swings farther open. And then my words dry up on my lips and I feel my entire body shrivel. No. No. A little whimper escapes my lips before I can stop it, and Carola shoots me an odd glance. ¡°Rebecca, meet Queenie. Alicia, I should say.¡± Page 33 It¡¯s Alicia Bitch Long-legs. Here. In L.A. In Minnie¡¯s school. I feel pinioned with shock. If I weren¡¯t sitting down, I think my legs would collapse. ¡°Hello, Rebecca,¡± she says softly, and I give a little shudder. I haven¡¯t heard that voice for years. She¡¯s as tall and skinny and blond as ever, but her style has changed. She¡¯s wearing drapey yoga pants and a gray top and Keds. I¡¯ve never seen Alicia in anything other than heels. And her hair is caught in a low ponytail, which is also very different. As I run my eyes over her, I notice a white-and-gold twisted bracelet on one wrist. Isn¡¯t that the bracelet they wear at Golden Peace? ¡°Do you two know each other?¡± says Sydney, with interest. I want to break into hysterical laughter. Do we know each other? Well, let¡¯s see now. Over the last few years, Alicia has tried to ruin my career, my reputation, my husband¡¯s business, and my wedding. She¡¯s undermined me and looked down on me at every turn. Just seeing her is making my heart race with stress. ¡°Yes,¡± I manage. ¡°Yes, we do.¡± ¡°So that¡¯s why you recommended Rebecca!¡± Carola still seems obsessed by this. ¡°I was just saying, how on earth did she get a place on such short notice?¡± ¡°I had a word with Erica,¡± says Alicia. Her voice is different, I realize. It¡¯s lower and calmer. In fact, her whole demeanor is calmer. It¡¯s creepy. It¡¯s like she¡¯s had Botox of the soul. ¡°Well, aren¡¯t you a sweetie pie?¡± Faith puts an arm fondly round Alicia¡¯s shoulders. ¡°Lucky Rebecca to have such a pal!¡± ¡°We were telling Rebecca all about you,¡± puts in Carola. ¡°Turns out we didn¡¯t need to!¡± ¡°I¡¯ve changed a lot since I saw you last, Rebecca.¡± Alicia gives a soft laugh. ¡°When was that?¡± I¡¯m so shocked, I actually gasp. When was that? How can she ask that? Isn¡¯t it etched into her brain forever, like it is in mine? ¡°At my wedding,¡± I manage to gulp. When you were being escorted out, kicking and screaming, having tried to ruin the whole thing. I¡¯m waiting for a flash of understanding, remorse, acknowledgment, something. But her eyes have a weird, bland quality to them. ¡°Yes,¡± she says thoughtfully. ¡°Rebecca, I know we have some issues which we should try to put behind us.¡± She puts a hand gently on my shoulder, and I immediately recoil. ¡°Maybe we could have a cup of mint tea together and talk it through, just the two of us?¡± What? All those terrible things she did boil down to ¡°issues¡±? ¡°I don¡¯t ¡­ You can¡¯t just ¡­¡± I break off, my throat dry, my heart thumping, my thoughts all over the place. I don¡¯t know what to say. No is what I want to say. You must be joking is what I want to say. We can¡¯t put all that behind us. But I can¡¯t. I¡¯m not on home turf. I¡¯m standing in the parents¡¯ lounge at a preschool in L.A., surrounded by strangers who think that Alicia is a sweetie pie who¡¯s done me the most massive favor in the world. And now a new feeling creeps over me. A horrible, cold realization. These women are all Alicia¡¯s friends. Not my friends¡ªAlicia¡¯s friends. It¡¯s her crowd. The thing about Alicia is, she¡¯s always managed to make me feel about three inches tall. And even now, even though I know I¡¯m in the right and she¡¯s in the wrong, I feel like I¡¯m diminishing by the second. She¡¯s in the cool gang. And if I want to join it, I¡¯m going to have to be friendly to her. But I can¡¯t. I just can¡¯t. I can barely even look at her, let alone go to her ¡°moms¡¯ yoga class.¡± How can they all be fooled by her? How can they call her ¡°sweet¡± and ¡°super-fun¡±? An overwhelming feeling of disappointment engulfs me. For a moment I was so excited. I thought I¡¯d found a way in. And now I find Alicia Bitch Long-legs is standing at the entrance, barring the way. The door swings open and Erica comes in, her colorful shawl trailing behind her like a sail. ¡°Rebecca!¡± she exclaims. ¡°I¡¯m glad to say that Minnie is doing extremely well. She¡¯s acclimatized remarkably quickly and seems to be making friends already. In fact, she¡¯s a natural leader.¡± Erica beams at me. ¡°I¡¯m sure she¡¯ll have a little tribe following her in no time.¡± ¡°Brilliant.¡± I manage a wide smile. ¡°Thank you so much. That¡¯s fantastic news.¡± And it is. It¡¯s a massive relief to think that Minnie feels at home in L.A. and is happy and is making friends. I mean, I¡¯m not surprised. Minnie¡¯s so confident and charms everyone she meets, it¡¯s no wonder she¡¯s landed on her feet. Page 34 But as I look around at Alicia and all her disciples, I can¡¯t help thinking: What about me? For the next few days I¡¯m in a total state of shock that Alicia Billington has turned up in L.A. Except she¡¯s not Alicia Billington anymore; she¡¯s Alicia Merrelle. It all gets worse, as I found out when I Googled her yesterday. She¡¯s filthy rich and well known all over L.A. because she¡¯s married to the founder of Golden Peace. The actual founder himself. He¡¯s called Wilton Merrelle, and he¡¯s seventy-three, with a goaty gray beard and those fixed, stretched eyes you get when you have too much plastic surgery, and they met on a beach in Hawaii. A beach. Who meets their husband on a beach? They have a daughter called Ora, who is a month younger than Minnie, and they are, according to one interview, hoping to expand their family. As soon as I started Googling, I found all these articles about the super-stylish homemaker with her British wit and charm. I sent them to Suze and she sent back a one-word email¡ªWHAT?????¡ªwhich made me feel better. Suze has no time for Alicia. And neither does Luke (which is no surprise, bearing in mind she once tried to steal all his clients and ruin his company. Oh yes, whilst trashing my reputation in the newspapers at the same time. Luke and I actually split up because of it. It was awful). When I told him, he just grunted and said, ¡°Might have known she¡¯d land on her Manolos.¡± But the trouble is, everyone else here thinks she¡¯s adorable. I haven¡¯t seen her again at Little Leaf, thank goodness, but I¡¯ve had to endure about six conversations with other mothers about how great it is that Queenie and I are old friends (friends!) and isn¡¯t she divine and am I coming to her spa party? I can¡¯t cope with an Alicia Bitch Long-legs spa party. I just can¡¯t. Anyway. Never mind. I don¡¯t care. I¡¯ll make friends another way. There are lots of other ways. And, in the meantime, I¡¯m going to focus on my new career. I have a plan at the ready, and it starts today. I¡¯ve been totally inspired by the story of Nenita Dietz marching into the wardrobe department and landing herself a job. So today I¡¯m going to do the tour at Sedgewood Studios, which is where Nenita Dietz works, and I¡¯m going to sneak away and find her. Luke has even got me a free VIP ticket through some contact of his, although I haven¡¯t mentioned my plan to him. I¡¯ll wait till I have success first. Then he¡¯ll see. I¡¯ve put together a collection of my work as a personal shopper: look books, photos of clients, even a couple of sketches, all zipped up in a leather portfolio. I¡¯ve also put together a critique of some recent Sedgewood Studios films, to show that I¡¯m movie-minded. (Like, for example, that alien film they made, Darkest Force. They really could have had better costumes in that. The space uniforms were so clunky. By the year 2154, surely we¡¯ll be going into space in skinny jeans, with tiny little helmets designed by Prada or someone?) I¡¯ve also done extensive research on Nenita Dietz, because I want to make sure we hit it off straightaway. I¡¯m wearing a really cool dress by Rick Owens, which is a label she likes, and I¡¯m wearing Chanel No. 5, which is apparently her favorite scent, and I¡¯ve Googled Martinique, which is where she goes on holiday. All I have to do is meet her and I¡¯m sure we¡¯ll get along. As I wait to join the VIP tour, I feel a fizz of excitement. My life could turn a massive new corner today! I¡¯m standing by the famous gates, which are huge and ornate, with ¡°Sedgewood Studios¡± in iron letters at the top. Apparently if you kiss them, your deepest wish will come true, and lots of tourists are kissing them and filming one another. Honestly, what a load of rubbish. Like a gate could help. Like a gate could really have any secret powers. Like a gate could¡ª Oh, come on. I might as well. Just to be on the safe side. I¡¯m kissing it and whispering, ¡°Get me a job, please, please, lovely gate,¡± when a side entrance opens. ¡°Come forward for the VIP tour!¡± A girl in a headset starts ushering us through and scanning our passes. I follow the crowd of tourists and soon find myself on the other side of the gates, in the studio lot. I¡¯m here! I¡¯m in Sedgewood Studios! I quickly look around, trying to get my bearings. There¡¯s an endless road stretching ahead, lined with pretty Art Deco buildings. Beyond that is a lawned area, and I can see more buildings in the distance. I couldn¡¯t track down a map of the studio lot online, so I¡¯m going to have to find my own way. ¡°This way, ma¡¯am.¡± A young man with blond hair, a dark jacket, and a headset is approaching me. ¡°We have one more space on our cart.¡± I turn to see that a whole fleet of golf carts have turned up, and all the tourists are getting on. The blond guy is gesturing to the backseat of a cart that seats six people and is nearly full. Page 35 I don¡¯t want to get on. I want to find the wardrobe department. But I guess I have no choice. ¡°Great.¡± I smile at him. ¡°Thanks.¡± Reluctantly, I climb onto the back of the cart and buckle up, next to an old lady in pink seersucker shorts who is filming everything with a video recorder. She even swings round to take a shot of me, and I do a little wave. The blond guy has got into the front of the cart and is handing out headphones. ¡°Hi!¡± His voice booms into my ears as soon as my headphones are on. ¡°My name is Shaun, and I¡¯ll be your guide for today. I¡¯m gonna take you on a fascinating tour of Sedgewood Studios, past, present, and future. We¡¯ll see the places where all your favorite shows and movies have been filmed. And while we¡¯re on our tour, keep your eyes peeled, and you might spot one of our stars at work. Yesterday I was beginning a tour just like this one, when who should we see strolling by but Matt Damon!¡± ¡°Matt Damon!¡± ¡°I love him!¡± ¡°His films are awesome!¡± At once, everyone starts looking around excitedly, as if he might appear again, and one man even starts snapping his camera at empty space. This is like being on safari. In fact, I¡¯m amazed they don¡¯t do celebrity safaris. I wonder who the ¡°big five¡± would be. Brad Pitt, obviously, and Angelina. And imagine if you saw the whole family together. It would be like when we came across a lioness feeding her cubs in the Maasai Mara. ¡°Now we¡¯re gonna travel back in time, to the glory days of Sedgewood,¡± Shaun is saying. ¡°I¡¯m gonna share with you some magical moments in film history. So sit back and enjoy!¡± The golf cart moves off, and we all look around politely at the white buildings and the lawns and the trees. After a while we stop, and Shaun shows us the fountain where Johnno proposed to Mari on We Were So Young, in 1963. I never saw We Were So Young. In fact, I¡¯ve never even heard of it, so that doesn¡¯t mean an awful lot to me. Quite a nice fountain, though. ¡°And now on to our next highlight!¡± Shaun says as we all get back on the cart. He starts it up and we drive for ages, past more white buildings, lawns, and trees. We turn a sharp corner and we all look excitedly to see what¡¯s next ¡­ but it¡¯s more white buildings, lawns, and trees. I suppose I knew this is what a studio lot looked like. But I can¡¯t help feeling it¡¯s a bit ¡­ meh. Where are the cameras? Where¡¯s the guy shouting ¡°Action¡±? And, more important, where¡¯s the wardrobe department? I really wish I had a map, and I really wish Shaun would stop. As if reading my mind, he pulls to a halt and turns to face us, his face glowing with professional animation. ¡°Ever wondered, where was the famous grating that Anna lost her ring down in the movie Fox Tales? Right here, on the Sedgewood Studios lot! Come and take a closer look.¡± Obediently, we all get off the cart and have a look. Sure enough, on a nearby fence, there¡¯s a framed still from some black-and-white film of a girl in fox furs dropping a ring down a grating. To my eye, it¡¯s just an old grating. But everyone else is taking pictures of it, jostling for a good view, so maybe I should too. I take a couple of snaps, then edge away from the group while they¡¯re all engrossed. I walk to the corner and squint up the road, hoping to see a sign saying WARDROBE or COSTUME DESIGN, but it¡¯s only more white buildings, lawns, and trees. Nor can I see a single film star. In fact, I¡¯m starting to doubt whether they really come here at all. ¡°Ma¡¯am?¡± Out of nowhere, Shaun has appeared, looking like a special agent in his dark jacket and headset. ¡°Ma¡¯am, I need you to stay with the group.¡± ¡°Oh, right. OK.¡± Reluctantly, I follow him back to the cart and get on. This is useless. I¡¯m never going to meet Nenita Dietz stuck on a cart. ¡°To your right, you¡¯ll see the buildings that house some of the most famous film-production companies in the world,¡± Shaun is booming down the earpiece. ¡°They all produce films right here on the Sedgewood lot! Now we¡¯re heading to the gift shop.¡­¡± I¡¯m peering out of the cart as we trundle along, reading every sign we pass. As we pause at an intersection, I lean out, squinting, to read the signs on the buildings. Scamper Productions ¡­ AJB Films ¡­ Too Rich Too Thin Design¡ªoh my God, that¡¯s her! That¡¯s Nenita Dietz¡¯s company! Right there in front of my eyes! OK. I¡¯m off. With a burst of excitement, I unbuckle my belt and start clambering off the cart, just as we start moving. The momentum sends me sprawling onto the grass, and everyone on the cart screams. Page 36 ¡°Oh my God!¡± one woman exclaims. ¡°Are these carts safe?¡± ¡°Is she injured?¡± ¡°I¡¯m fine!¡± I call. ¡°Don¡¯t worry, I¡¯m fine!¡± I hastily get to my feet, brush myself down, and pick up my portfolio. Right. New career, here I come. ¡°Ma¡¯am?¡± Shaun has appeared by my side again. ¡°Are you OK?¡± ¡°Oh, hi, Shaun.¡± I beam at him. ¡°I¡¯d like to get off here, actually. I¡¯ll make my own way back, thanks. Brilliant tour,¡± I add. ¡°I loved the grating. Have a good day!¡± I start to walk away, but, to my annoyance, Shaun follows me. ¡°Ma¡¯am, I¡¯m afraid I can¡¯t allow you to walk unsupervised through the lot. If you would like to leave the tour, one of our representatives will guide you back to the gate.¡± ¡°That¡¯s not necessary!¡± I say brightly. ¡°I know the way.¡± ¡°It is necessary, ma¡¯am.¡± ¡°But honestly¡ª¡± ¡°This is a working lot, and unauthorized visitors must be accompanied at all times. Ma¡¯am.¡± His tone is implacable. Honestly. They take it all so seriously. What is this, NASA? ¡°Could I go to the ladies?¡± I say in sudden inspiration. ¡°I¡¯ll just pop in to that building there. I¡¯ll only be a sec.¡­¡± ¡°There¡¯s a ladies¡¯ room at the gift store, which is our next stop,¡± says Shaun. ¡°Could you please rejoin the cart?¡± His face hasn¡¯t flickered once. He means business. If I make a run for it, he¡¯ll probably rugby-tackle me to the ground. I want to scream with frustration. Nenita Dietz¡¯s design company is right there. It¡¯s yards away. ¡°Fine,¡± I say at last, and morosely follow him back to the cart. The other passengers are looking at me with wonder and incomprehension. I can almost see the thought bubbles above their heads: Why would you get off the cart? We whiz off again, past more buildings and round corners, and Shaun starts talking about some famous director who used to sunbathe nude in the 1930s, but I don¡¯t listen. This is a total failure. Maybe I need to come again tomorrow and try a different tack. Sneak away at the start before I¡¯ve even got on a cart. Yes. The only tiny positive is, there¡¯s a shop. At least I can buy souvenirs for everyone. As I wander around the gift store, looking at tea towels and pencils with miniature clapper boards on them, I can¡¯t help sighing morosely. The old lady who was sitting next to me comes over and picks up a novelty megaphone paperweight. She glances at Shaun, who is supervising us all with a close eye. Then she moves nearer to me and says in a lowered voice, ¡°Don¡¯t look at me. He¡¯ll suspect something. Just listen.¡± ¡°OK,¡± I say in surprise. I pick up a Sedgewood Studios mug and pretend to be engrossed in it. ¡°Why did you get off the cart?¡± ¡°I want to break into movies,¡± I say, practically whispering. ¡°I want to meet Nenita Dietz. Her office was right there.¡± ¡°Thought it was something like that.¡± She nods in satisfaction. ¡°That¡¯s the kind of thing I would have done.¡± ¡°Really?¡± ¡°Oh, I was stagestruck. But what was I going to do? I was a kid in Missouri. My parents wouldn¡¯t let me sneeze without permission.¡± Her eyes dim a little. ¡°I ran away when I was sixteen. Got as far as L.A. before they tracked me down. Never did it again. I should have.¡± ¡°I¡¯m sorry,¡± I say awkwardly. ¡°I mean ¡­ I¡¯m sorry you didn¡¯t make it.¡± ¡°So am I.¡± She seems to come to. ¡°But you can. I¡¯ll create a diversion.¡± ¡°Huh?¡± I stare at her. ¡°A diversion,¡± she repeats a little impatiently. ¡°Know what that means? I distract ¡¯em, you get away. You do what you gotta do. Leave Shaun to me.¡± ¡°Oh my God.¡± I clasp her bony hand. ¡°You¡¯re amazing.¡± ¡°Get over to the door.¡± She nods her head. ¡°Go. I¡¯m Edna, by the way.¡± ¡°Rebecca. Thank you!¡± My heart beating hard, I head toward the door and linger by a display of We Were So Young aprons and baseball caps. Suddenly there¡¯s an almighty CRASH! Edna has collapsed theatrically to the floor, taking an entire display of crockery with her. There are screams and shouts, and all the staff in the place, including Shaun, are rushing forward. Thank you, Edna, I think as I creep out of the shop. I start to hurry along the street, running as fast as I can in my H&M wedges (really cool black-and-white print; you¡¯d never think they cost only twenty-six dollars). After I¡¯ve gone a little way, I slow down, so as not to look suspicious, and turn a corner. There are people walking along and riding bikes and driving around in golf carts, but none of them has challenged me. Yet. Page 37 The only trouble is, I have no idea where I am. All these bloody white buildings look the same. I don¡¯t dare ask anyone where Nenita Dietz¡¯s office is¡ªI¡¯ll draw too much attention to myself. In fact, I¡¯m still half-expecting Shaun to come whizzing up beside me in a golf cart and perform a citizen¡¯s arrest. I round another corner and stop in the shade of a big red canopy. What do I do now? The lot is huge. I¡¯m totally lost. A golf cart full of tourists passes by and I shrink away into the shadows, feeling like a fugitive avoiding the secret police. They¡¯ve probably circulated my description to all the golf-cart drivers by this point. I¡¯m probably on the Most Wanted list. And then suddenly something rattles past me, and I blink at it in astonishment. It¡¯s something so shiny and colorful and wonderful, I want to whoop. It¡¯s a gift from God! It¡¯s a rail of clothes! It¡¯s a girl pushing a rail of clothes in plastic bags. She steers them expertly along the pavement, her phone in her other hand, and I hear her saying, ¡°On my way. OK, don¡¯t stress. I¡¯ll be there.¡± I have no idea who she is or what she¡¯s doing. All I know is, where there are clothes, there¡¯s a wardrobe department. Wherever she¡¯s going, I want to go too. As discreetly as I can, I begin to follow her along the street, ducking behind pillars for cover and shielding my face with my hand. I think I¡¯m being fairly unobtrusive, although a couple of people give me odd looks as they pass by. The girl winds round two corners and through an alley, and I stay on her tail. Maybe she works for Nenita Dietz! And even if she doesn¡¯t, there might be other useful people I could meet. At last she turns at a set of double doors. I wait a moment, then cautiously push my way in after her. I¡¯m standing in a wide corridor lined with doors, and ahead of me the girl is greeting a guy in a headset. He glances at me, and I hastily duck down a short side corridor. A bit farther on I peep through a glass panel and stifle a gasp. It¡¯s the Holy Grail! It¡¯s a room filled with tables and sewing machines and, all round the walls, rails of clothes. I have to have a look. The place is empty, thank God, so I push the door open and tiptoe in. There are period dresses lined up against one side, and I riffle through them, fingering all the gorgeous little pin tucks and ruffles and covered buttons. Imagine working on a period film. Imagine choosing all those stunning dresses. And look at the hats! I¡¯m just reaching for a poke bonnet with a broad ribbon trim when the door opens and another girl in jeans and a headset looks in. ¡°Who are you?¡± she demands, and I start guiltily. Shit. My mind is racing as I put the bonnet back. I can¡¯t get chucked out now, I can¡¯t. I¡¯ll have to wing it. ¡°Oh, hi there.¡± I try to sound pleasant and normal. ¡°I¡¯m new. Just started. That¡¯s why you haven¡¯t seen me.¡± ¡°Oh.¡± She frowns. ¡°Is anyone else around?¡± ¡°Er ¡­ not right now. Do you know where Nenita Dietz is?¡± I add. ¡°I have a message for her.¡± Ha! Neatly done. Next I can say, Can you just remind me where her office is? and I¡¯ll be in. The girl¡¯s brow wrinkles. ¡°Aren¡¯t they all on location still?¡± Location? My heart sinks. It never occurred to me she might be on location. ¡°Or maybe they got back yesterday. I don¡¯t know.¡± The girl doesn¡¯t seem remotely interested in Nenita Dietz. ¡°Where are they all?¡± She¡¯s looking impatiently round the empty room, and I realize she must mean whoever normally works here. ¡°Dunno.¡± I shrug. ¡°Haven¡¯t seen them.¡± I think I¡¯m busking this conversation pretty well. It just goes to show: All you need is a bit of confidence. ¡°Don¡¯t they realize we¡¯re making a movie?¡± ¡°I know,¡± I say sympathetically. ¡°You¡¯d think they¡¯d realize.¡± ¡°It¡¯s the attitude.¡± ¡°Terrible,¡± I agree. ¡°I really don¡¯t have time to chase people down.¡± She sighs. ¡°OK, you¡¯ll have to do it.¡± She produces a white cotton shirt with a frilly collar. ¡°What?¡± I say blankly, and the girl¡¯s eyes narrow. ¡°You are a seamstress?¡± My whole face freezes. A seamstress? ¡°Er ¡­ of course,¡± I say after what seems like an eternity. ¡°Of course I¡¯m a seamstress. What else would I be?¡± I need to get out of this room. Quickly. But before I can move, the girl is handing me the shirt. ¡°OK. So this is for the older Mrs. Bridges. I need a hem in the bottom, half an inch. You should use slip stitch for these garments,¡± she adds. ¡°I¡¯m sure Deirdre told you that. Did she show you the attachment?¡± Page 38 ¡°Absolutely.¡± I try to sound professional. ¡°Slip stitch. Actually, I¡¯m just on my way to get a coffee, so I¡¯ll do that later.¡± I put the shirt down next to a sewing machine. ¡°Lovely to meet you¡ª¡± ¡°Jesus Christ!¡± the girl erupts, and I jump in fright. ¡°You won¡¯t do it later; you¡¯ll do it now! We¡¯re shooting! This is your first day and you come in with that attitude?¡± She¡¯s so scary I take a step back. ¡°Sorry,¡± I gulp. ¡°Well, do you want to start?¡± The girl nods toward the sewing machines, then folds her arms. I have no way out of this. None. ¡°Right,¡± I say after a pause, and take a seat in front of one of the sewing machines. ¡°So.¡± I¡¯ve seen Mum using a sewing machine. And Danny. You just put the material under the needle and push the pedal. I can do this. My face hot, I cautiously insert the shirt into the sewing machine. ¡°Aren¡¯t you going to pin it?¡± says the girl critically. ¡°Er ¡­ I pin as I go,¡± I say. ¡°It¡¯s just the way I do it.¡± Experimentally, I press the pedal, and thankfully the sewing machine whirs along vigorously as though I¡¯m an expert. I reach for a pin, shove it into the fabric, then sew a bit more. I think I look pretty convincing, as long as the girl doesn¡¯t come anywhere near me. ¡°Do you want to pick this up in a minute?¡± I say. ¡°I could bring it to you, maybe?¡± To my relief, there¡¯s a crackling sound from her headset. She shakes her head impatiently, trying to listen, then steps outside the room. At once I stop sewing. Thank God. Time to make a run for it. I¡¯m halfway out of the chair when the door swings back open and, to my horror, it¡¯s the girl again. ¡°They want some pin tucks down the front as well. Did you finish the hem?¡± ¡°Um.¡± I swallow. ¡°Nearly.¡± ¡°So, finish it and put in the pin tucks.¡± She claps her hands. ¡°Come on! They¡¯re waiting! Now!¡± ¡°Right.¡± I nod and hastily start up the sewing machine again. ¡°Pin tucks. Coming up.¡± ¡°And two extra sleeve tucks at the shoulder. You can do that?¡± ¡°Sleeve tucks. No problem.¡± I briskly sew a seam, then turn the blouse and sew another seam. She¡¯s still watching me. Why is she still watching me? Doesn¡¯t she have anywhere else to go? ¡°So,¡± I say. ¡°I¡¯ll just ¡­ put those tucks in.¡± I have no idea what I¡¯m doing. I¡¯m pushing the shirt back and forth, crisscrossing seams all over it. I don¡¯t dare stop; I don¡¯t dare look up. I¡¯m just willing the girl to leave. Go, please go ¡­ please, please go ¡­ ¡°Are you nearly done?¡± The girl listens to her headset. ¡°They¡¯re waiting for it.¡± I feel like I¡¯m in a never-ending sewing nightmare. The shirt is a mishmash of random wavery stitches; in fact, I¡¯ve actually stitched the whole thing together. I¡¯m sewing more and more feverishly, backward and forward, praying that something gets me out of this.¡­ ¡°Hello? Excuse me?¡± She raises her voice over the sound of the sewing machine. ¡°Can you hear me? Hey!¡± She bangs a hand on the table. ¡°Can you hear me?¡± ¡°Oh.¡± I look up as though hearing her for the first time. ¡°Sorry. I was just sewing.¡± ¡°The shirt?¡± She holds out her hand. I stare steadily back at her. The blood is pulsing in my ears. Any minute now she¡¯s going to grab the shirt from the sewing machine and it will all be over. And she won¡¯t let me leave and I¡¯ll be arrested by the studio secret police in dark jackets and my whole plan will fail before it¡¯s even begun. ¡°Actually ¡­ I think I¡¯m going to change career,¡± I say in desperation. ¡°What?¡± The girl gapes at me. ¡°Yes. I¡¯ve had a sudden realization. I don¡¯t want to be a seamstress anymore; I want to work with animals.¡± ¡°Animals?¡± She seems absolutely poleaxed, and I take advantage of this fact to get up and start edging past her to the door. ¡°Yes. I¡¯m going to go to Borneo and work with gorillas. It¡¯s always been my dream. So, er, thank you for the opportunity.¡± I back out of the room. ¡°Say thank you to Deirdre too. You¡¯ve all been lovely to work with!¡± The girl is still staring at me, openmouthed, as I hurry out of the double doors. I can hear her calling something, but I don¡¯t stop to listen. I have to get out. THE MISSOURI ECHO ST. LOUIS SENIOR ¡°DISCOVERED¡± IN HOLLYWOOD GIFT STORE Page 39 BY: OUR MOVIE REPORTER When seventy-year-old Edna Gatterby from St. Louis went on a tour of Sedgewood Studios, she expected to end up with a souvenir or two. Instead, she came away with a part in a major Sedgewood production, Fought the Day, a World War II weepie that begins production next month. The Missouri senior found herself being screen-tested by director Ron Thickson after an encounter in the gift store. ¡°I was browsing for a gift when an old lady tumbled to the ground,¡± commented Thickson. ¡°As I ran to help her, I caught sight of her face, and she matched perfectly my vision of Vera, the hero¡¯s grandmother.¡± Edna was screen-tested later that day and has been offered the small role. ¡°I¡¯m ecstatic beyond belief. I¡¯ve always wanted to act,¡± commented Edna. ¡°I have to thank Rebecca,¡± she added, but would not elaborate on who ¡°Rebecca¡± is. What a disaster. I never got to meet Nenita Dietz. I never got to meet anyone. When I got outside, I was so flustered, I almost ran all the way to the exit, looking behind me all the time for the men in dark jackets. I didn¡¯t even buy any souvenirs, so the whole thing was a total waste. And then Luke wanted to hear all about it, and I had to pretend I¡¯d had a brilliant time. As I get Minnie ready for Little Leaf the next day, I¡¯m still downcast. And my misery has been increased about a million-fold because we¡¯ve had an email saying Alicia wants to address all the parents today about a fund-raiser, so could we all please stay behind after drop-off for an informal gathering. Which means, after managing to avoid her these last few days, I¡¯ll have to face her again. I don¡¯t know how I¡¯m going to keep my cool. ¡°What shall I do?¡± I say to Minnie as I plait her wispy little locks into a braid. ¡°Cup of tea,¡± replies Minnie seriously, and passes me a plastic cocktail glass. We¡¯re sitting on the terrace outside, which is where Minnie chooses to get dressed most mornings (I can¡¯t blame her, with this lovely sunshine), and all her teddies and dolls are sitting around, with a cocktail glass each. As Luke steps out of the house, briefcase in hand, he looks aghast at the sight. ¡°Is this Alcoholics Anonymous for teddies?¡± he says. ¡°No!¡± I giggle. ¡°They¡¯re our garden cocktail glasses. Minnie found them in the outdoor kitchen. They won¡¯t break, so I let her play with them.¡± ¡°Daddy, cup of tea,¡± says Minnie, handing him a cocktail glass. ¡°OK,¡± says Luke. ¡°A quick cup of tea.¡± He crouches down and takes the glass from her. A moment later, his gaze focuses on the teddy in front of him. Damn. I know what he¡¯s seen. I should have hidden it. ¡°Becky,¡± he says. ¡°Is that bear wearing my Asprey cuff links? The ones you gave me?¡± ¡°Er ¡­¡± I assume an innocent expression. ¡°Let me see. Ah. Yes, I believe it is.¡± ¡°And my Cartier watch.¡± ¡°So it is.¡± ¡°And that doll has got my old college tie on.¡± ¡°Has it?¡± I¡¯m trying not to giggle. ¡°Well, Minnie wanted to dress her toys up. You should be flattered she chose your things.¡± ¡°Oh, really?¡± Luke grabs his watch off the bear, ignoring Minnie¡¯s protests. ¡°I don¡¯t notice you volunteering any of your priceless jewelry.¡± ¡°Your cuff links aren¡¯t priceless!¡± ¡°Maybe they¡¯re priceless to me because they came from you.¡± He raises his eyebrows at me and I feel a little flicker, because although I know he¡¯s teasing me, I also know he means it. ¡°Drink tea, Daddy!¡± says Minnie sternly, and Luke puts his cocktail glass to his lips obediently. I wonder what all his board members in London would say if they could see him now. ¡°Luke ¡­¡± I bite my lip. ¡°Uh-huh?¡± I wasn¡¯t planning on bothering him with my problems, but I can¡¯t help myself. ¡°What am I going to do about Alicia?¡± ¡°Alicia,¡± says Luke tersely, and raises his eyes to heaven. ¡°God help us.¡± ¡°Exactly! But here she is, and I¡¯m going to see her today at preschool, and everyone thinks she¡¯s marvelous, and I want to yell, If only you knew what an evil witch she is!¡± ¡°Well, I wouldn¡¯t do that,¡± says Luke, looking amused. ¡°Not in public.¡± ¡°It¡¯s OK for you! You¡¯re really good when you meet people you don¡¯t like. You just go all calm and stony. I get flustered.¡± ¡°Just think dignified. That¡¯s my best advice.¡± ¡°Dignified!¡± I echo despairingly, and Minnie perks up. Page 40 ¡°Digna-dive,¡± she enunciates carefully, and Luke and I both laugh, whereupon she says it again, beaming back at us. ¡°Digna-dive. Digna-dive!¡± ¡°That¡¯s it,¡± says Luke. ¡°Digna-dive. I have to go.¡± He rises to his feet, swiping his Asprey cuff links off the teddy bear as he does so. I take a pretend swig of my tea, wishing it were a real cocktail, and that Luke could take the day off, and that Alicia lived in Timbuktu. ¡°Sweetheart, don¡¯t fret,¡± says Luke, as though reading my thoughts. ¡°You¡¯ll be fine. Chin up, eyes flinty.¡± I can¡¯t help giggling, as that¡¯s exactly how he looks when he¡¯s angry with someone but isn¡¯t about to make a scene. ¡°Thanks.¡± I put an arm round him and kiss him. ¡°You¡¯re the most digna-dive person I know.¡± Luke clicks his heels and bows like an Austrian prince, and I laugh again. I truly do have the best husband in the world. And I¡¯m not biased at all. As I arrive at Little Leaf, I¡¯m resolved. Luke has inspired me. I¡¯m going to be totally serene and not let Alicia get to me. Minnie prances off straightaway to play with her friends, and I head for the parents¡¯ lounge, which is where Alicia is apparently giving her talk. I can hear a vacuum cleaner operating inside, so I assume the room isn¡¯t ready yet and lean against the wall to wait. A few moments later I hear footsteps, and Alicia appears round the corner, immaculately dressed as ever in yoga wear and holding what looks like a brand-new Herm¨¨s bag. OK, here I go. Chin up. Eyes flinty. Stay calm. ¡°Hello,¡± I say, trying to sound detached yet engaged, yet unflustered, while maintaining the moral high ground. All in two syllables. ¡°Becky.¡± Alicia gives a nod and leans against the wall directly opposite me. I feel as though we¡¯re in some weird game of chess, only I don¡¯t know what the next move is. Anyway. It¡¯s not chess, I tell myself. This isn¡¯t a battle. I¡¯m not even going to think about Alicia. I¡¯m going to ¡­ check my phone. Yes. As I start to read through a bunch of messages I¡¯ve read before, I see that Alicia is doing the same thing, opposite. Only she keeps laughing softly and shaking her head and exclaiming, ¡°You¡¯re kidding! Oh, hilarious,¡± as though to demonstrate what an entertaining life she leads. I¡¯m furiously telling myself not to notice her, not to think about her¡ªbut I can¡¯t help it. Our mutual past keeps flashing through my head like a film. All the times she¡¯s undermined me, all her scheming, all her bitchiness ¡­ My chest is starting to rise and fall in indignation, my fingers are clenching, my jaw is tightening. After a few moments, Alicia clearly notices, because she puts down her phone and surveys me as though I¡¯m an interesting curiosity. ¡°Rebecca,¡± she says, in that new-agey, softly-softly way she has that makes me want to slap her. ¡°I know you¡¯re hostile toward me.¡± She pronounces it ¡°hostel¡± now. Of course she does. ¡°Hostile?¡± I stare at her incredulously. ¡°Of course I¡¯m hostile!¡± Alicia says nothing but just sighs, as though to say, How sad that you feel this way, but I have no idea why. ¡°Alicia,¡± I say evenly. ¡°Do you actually remember the way you¡¯ve behaved toward me over the years? Or have you blanked it all out?¡± ¡°Let me tell you a little about my journey,¡± says Alicia seriously. ¡°When I met Wilton, I was in a very unhappy place. I believed I was deficient in every possible way. He helped me to self-actualize.¡± Argh. Self-actualize. What does that mean, even? Self-obsess, more like. ¡°The old Alicia was in a very toxic cycle.¡± She looks wistful. ¡°The old Alicia was still a child in many ways.¡± She¡¯s talking as though ¡°the old Alicia¡± has nothing to do with her. ¡°That was you,¡± I remind her. ¡°I know our relationship in the past was maybe ¡­¡± She pauses as though to select the right word. ¡°Unbalanced. But now that I¡¯ve righted the scales, we should move on, no?¡± ¡°Righted the scales?¡± I stare at her. ¡°What scales?¡± ¡°Why else did I recommend your daughter to Little Leaf?¡± she says, looking supremely pleased with herself. The pieces suddenly fall into place in my head. ¡°You recommended Minnie ¡­ what, to make amends?¡± Alicia simply bows her head with a faint smile, as though she¡¯s Mother Teresa giving me benediction. ¡°You¡¯re welcome,¡± she says. Welcome? I¡¯m prickling all over in horror. I feel like striding into the toddler playground, plucking out Minnie, and leaving Little Leaf forever. Except that would be unfair to Minnie. Page 41 ¡°So you think we¡¯re quits now?¡± I say, just to make sure I¡¯ve got this right. ¡°You think everything¡¯s square?¡± ¡°If that¡¯s the way you see it, then that works.¡± She shrugs easily. ¡°For me, the world isn¡¯t so linear.¡± She gives me a patronizing smile, like she used to when she was in financial PR and I was a journalist and her suit was more expensive than mine and we both knew it. ¡°Forget linear!¡± My thoughts are so scattered and furious, I¡¯m finding it hard to articulate them. Let alone stay digna-dive. ¡°Just answer me one question, Alicia. Are you actually sorry for anything you did to me? Are you sorry?¡± The words hang in the air like a challenge. And as I stare at her, my heart is suddenly pounding in expectation. My cheeks are hot and I feel like a ten-year-old on the playground. After all the damage she caused Luke and me. If she really wants to make amends, she has to say sorry. She has to say it and mean it. I¡¯m holding my breath, I realize. I¡¯ve been waiting to hear this for a long time. An apology from Alicia Bitch Long-legs. But there¡¯s silence. And as I look up to meet her blue eyes, I know she¡¯s not going to do it. Of course she isn¡¯t. All this talk of amends. She isn¡¯t sorry a bit. ¡°Rebecca ¡­¡± she says thoughtfully, ¡°I think you¡¯re obsessed.¡± ¡°Well, I think you¡¯re still an evil witch!¡± The words burst from me before I can stop them, and I hear a loud gasp from behind me. I wheel round to see a cluster of mothers standing behind us in the corridor, all with eyes wide and some with hands to their mouths. My heart plummets. They all heard me. And they all love Alicia. They would never understand in a million years. ¡°Rebecca, I know you didn¡¯t mean that,¡± says Alicia at once, in her most syrupy, new-agey voice. ¡°You¡¯re at a stressed time in your life; it¡¯s understandable. We¡¯re all here for you.¡­¡± She reaches for my hand, and, in a slight daze, I let her hold it. ¡°Queenie, sweetheart, you¡¯re so understanding!¡± exclaims Carola, shooting me daggers. ¡°Queenie, are you OK?¡± chimes in Sydney as she walks into the parents¡¯ lounge. As the other mothers file past, everyone has a kind word for Alicia and everyone avoids looking at me. It¡¯s like I¡¯ve got an infectious disease. ¡°I¡¯m going,¡± I mutter, and pull my hand away from Alicia¡¯s cool grasp. ¡°Not coming to the talk, Rebecca?¡± says Alicia sweetly. ¡°You¡¯re very welcome.¡± ¡°Not this time,¡± I say, and turn on my heel. ¡°Thanks anyway.¡± As I stride away down the corridor, my head is high, but my face is puce and I¡¯m dangerously near tears. I failed and Alicia won again. How come she won again? How is this fair? As I get back home, I feel at my lowest ebb since we¡¯ve arrived in L.A. It¡¯s all going wrong, in every direction. I¡¯ve failed on my mission to meet Nenita Dietz. I¡¯ve failed on my mission to make lots of new friends. Everyone at Little Leaf will think I¡¯m some awful psycho. I¡¯m just going into the kitchen and wondering whether to pour myself a glass of wine when my phone rings. To my surprise, it¡¯s Luke. He doesn¡¯t usually phone in the middle of the day. ¡°Becky! How¡¯s it going?¡± He sounds so warm and kind and familiar that for an awful moment I think I might burst into tears. ¡°I just saw Alicia,¡± I say, slumping into a chair. ¡°Tried to be digna-dive.¡± ¡°How¡¯d that work out?¡± ¡°Well, you know how you said not to call her an evil witch? I called her an evil witch.¡± Luke¡¯s laugh is so hearty and reassuring, I feel better at once. ¡°Never mind,¡± he says. ¡°Ignore her. You¡¯re so much bigger than her, Becky.¡± ¡°I know, but she¡¯s at school every day, and everyone thinks she¡¯s lovely ¡­¡± I trail off feebly. Luke doesn¡¯t really get the whole school-gate thing. Whenever he picks Minnie up, he strides straight to the door and leads her away and doesn¡¯t even seem to notice that there are any other parents. Let alone what they¡¯re wearing or gossiping about or what sidelong looks they¡¯re shooting at whom. ¡°Are you at home?¡± he says now. ¡°Yes, just got back. Why, have you forgotten something? D¡¯you want me to bring it in?¡± ¡°No.¡± Luke pauses. ¡°Now, Becky, I want you to relax.¡± ¡°OK,¡± I say, puzzled. ¡°Please stay relaxed.¡± ¡°I am relaxed!¡± I say impatiently. ¡°Why do you keep telling me to relax?¡± Page 42 ¡°Because there¡¯s been a change of plan. I¡¯m coming back home to hold a meeting at the house. With ¡­¡± He hesitates. ¡°With Sage.¡± It¡¯s as if lightning zings through me. I sit bolt upright, every nerve alive. My misery has vanished. Alicia suddenly seems irrelevant to my life. Sage Seymour? Here? What shall I wear? Have I got time to wash my hair? ¡°We probably won¡¯t see you,¡± Luke¡¯s saying. ¡°We¡¯ll probably just go into the library. But I wanted to warn you.¡± ¡°Right,¡± I say breathlessly. ¡°Do you want me to sort out some snacks? I could make cupcakes. Quinoa ones,¡± I add hastily. ¡°I know she likes quinoa.¡± ¡°Darling, you don¡¯t need to make any special effort.¡± Luke seems to think for a moment. ¡°In fact, maybe you should go out.¡± Go out? Go out? Is he mad? ¡°I¡¯m staying here,¡± I say firmly. ¡°OK,¡± says Luke. ¡°Well ¡­ I¡¯ll see you in about half an hour.¡± Half an hour! I put the phone down and look around the house in sudden dissatisfaction. It doesn¡¯t look nearly cool enough. I should rearrange the furniture. I have to choose the right outfit, too, and do my makeup again ¡­ but first things first. I grab my phone and text Suze and Mum, my fingers clumsy with excitement: Guess what? Sage is coming to our house!!! Somehow, half an hour later, I¡¯m almost ready. I¡¯ve washed my hair and blasted it with the hair dryer, and I¡¯ve got Velcro rollers in (I¡¯ll quickly take them out when I hear the car). I¡¯ve moved the sofas around in the living room and plumped up the cushions. I¡¯m wearing my new slip dress from Anthropologie, and I¡¯ve memorized the story lines of all Sage¡¯s forthcoming films, which I quickly Googled. I have a couple of complete outfits ready for Sage, but I won¡¯t show them to her at once. I don¡¯t want her to feel bombarded. In fact, I¡¯m going to have to do this subtly, as I know Luke won¡¯t appreciate me hijacking his meeting. I¡¯ll just be very casual about it, I decide. I¡¯ll have the brocade coat lying about and she¡¯ll admire it and try it on and it will all snowball from there. The sound of an engine comes distantly from the front of the house, followed by that of car doors. They¡¯re here! I put up a hand to smooth down my hair¡ªthen suddenly remember my Velcro rollers. Quickly, I pull them out and hurl them one by one behind a big potted plant. I shake out my hair, casually recline on the sofa, and grab Variety, which is a brilliant accessory as it instantly makes you look like a cool movie person. I can hear the front door opening. They¡¯re coming in. Stay calm, Becky ¡­ stay cool ¡­ ¡°¡­ go into the library, I thought.¡± Luke is speaking. ¡°Sage, meet my wife, Becky.¡± My face starts prickling as three figures appear round the door. Oh my God. It¡¯s her. It¡¯s her! Right here in this room! She¡¯s smaller than I expected, with tiny bronzed arms and that familiar treacly hair. Clothes: teeny white jeans, orange flats, a little gray tank, and The Jacket. The Jacket. I can¡¯t believe she¡¯s wearing it! It¡¯s pale buttery suede, and she was wearing it in Us Weekly last week. It was in ¡°Who Wore It Best?¡± and she won. Of course she did. I¡¯ve met Aran before: He¡¯s Sage¡¯s manager. He¡¯s tall and buff and blond, with blue eyes and slanty eyebrows, and he kisses me politely in greeting. ¡°Hi, Becky,¡± Sage says pleasantly. ¡°We spoke on the phone, right? For Luke¡¯s party.¡± She¡¯s got the most amazing accent. It¡¯s mostly American but with a hint of French, because her mother¡¯s half French and she spent her early childhood in Switzerland. People magazine once called it ¡°the sexiest accent alive,¡± and I kind of agree. ¡°We did,¡± I gulp. ¡°Yes. Hi.¡± I try to think of something else to say ¡­ something witty ¡­ come on, Becky ¡­ but something¡¯s wrong with my head. It¡¯s gone blank. All I can think is, It¡¯s Sage Seymour! In my living room! ¡°You have a nice yard,¡± says Sage, as though she¡¯s making a really deep pronouncement. ¡°Thank you. We like it.¡± Luke strides ahead and pushes open the glass doors to the garden. Sage and Aran follow him out and I follow behind. We all look at the inviting blue of the pool, and I urgently try to think of something to say. But it¡¯s like my brain has been replaced by cotton wool. ¡°Shall we sit out here?¡± says Luke, gesturing to our outdoor dining table. It has a massive parasol above it, and the pool guy hoses it every day to keep it clean. Page 43 ¡°Sure.¡± Sage slides gracefully into a chair, followed by Aran. ¡°There¡¯s water in the chiller.¡­¡± Luke hands bottles around. ¡°Can I get anyone coffee?¡± Finally I manage to string two words together. ¡°No, thanks,¡± says Aran politely. ¡°I think we¡¯re fine, Becky,¡± says Luke. ¡°Thanks.¡± He gives me a nod, which I understand. It means, Leave us alone now. I¡¯ll just pretend I didn¡¯t see it. As the three start getting out folders and papers, I hurry back into the house, grab the brocade coat, a belt, and a pair of shoes, and zoom back out into the garden. I arrive breathlessly next to Sage and hold the coat out on one arm. ¡°I just bought this,¡± I say chattily. ¡°It¡¯s nice, isn¡¯t it?¡± Sage surveys the coat. ¡°Cute,¡± she says with a nod, and turns back to a page of photocopied press clippings. ¡°D¡¯you want to try it on?¡± I say casually. ¡°I¡¯m sure it¡¯s your size. It would really suit you.¡± Sage gives me an absent smile. ¡°No, that¡¯s OK,¡± she says. I stare at her in slight shock. It¡¯s so beautiful, I was sure she¡¯d want to try it on. Well, maybe she¡¯s not into coats. ¡°I bought this belt too.¡± I quickly proffer the belt. ¡°Isn¡¯t it amazing?¡± The belt is from Danny¡¯s new collection. It¡¯s black suede, with three chunky buckles in green resin. You¡¯d put it on over a simple dress and the whole outfit would pop. ¡°It¡¯s by Danny Kovitz,¡± I tell her. ¡°He¡¯s a friend of mine, actually.¡± ¡°Great,¡± says Sage, but she makes no move to stroke it or touch it, let alone ask to try it on. This is not going as I planned. ¡°You¡¯re size six and a half, aren¡¯t you?¡± I say in desperation. ¡°I bought these shoes by mistake. Why don¡¯t you have them?¡± ¡°Really?¡± She looks at me in surprise, eyeing my bigger feet. ¡°Yes! Absolutely! Have them.¡± I put them on the table. They¡¯re pale-coral-colored sandals by Sergio Rossi, just very simple and gorgeous. In fact, I covet them myself, and it was really hard buying them in Sage¡¯s size, not mine. ¡°Nice.¡± At last! Sage is finally showing some interest. She picks up a sandal and turns it this way and that. ¡°My sister would love these. We¡¯re the same size. I give her all my castoffs. Thanks!¡± I stare at her, dismayed. Her sister? Castoffs? A thought suddenly occurs to Sage. ¡°How come you bought them in the wrong size? Isn¡¯t that weird?¡± I¡¯m aware of Luke¡¯s sardonic gaze from across the table. ¡°Oh. Right.¡± I can feel myself flushing. ¡°Um ¡­ I got confused between British and American sizing. And I never tried them on. And I can¡¯t take them back.¡± ¡°That¡¯s a shame. Well, thanks!¡± She hands the shoes to Aran, who places them in a tote bag at his feet. Feeling crestfallen, I watch them disappear. She didn¡¯t admire a single thing I¡¯d bought. She didn¡¯t suggest shopping together or ask for advice on her next red-carpet appearance or any of my fantasies. I can¡¯t help feeling dispirited. But I¡¯m not going to give up. Maybe I just need to get to know her a bit better. Luke is circulating a sheet headed Agenda. Everyone¡¯s ignoring me. I can¡¯t hover near the table anymore. But I can¡¯t go tamely back inside the house. Maybe ¡­ I¡¯ll sunbathe. Yes, good idea. I hurry into the house and collect Variety from the living room, then nonchalantly walk to a lounge chair about ten feet away from the table and sit down on it. Luke glances up with a slight frown, but I ignore him. I¡¯m allowed to sunbathe in my own garden, aren¡¯t I? I open Variety and read some piece about the future of 3-D franchises, while trying to listen in on the conversation at the table. The trouble is, they¡¯re all talking so quietly. Mum always complains that modern movie stars mumble, and I have to agree. I can¡¯t hear anything Sage is saying. She should have some proper speech and drama lessons. She should project! Luke is being equally discreet, and the only one whose voice is resonating through the garden is Aran. Even so, I¡¯m only catching the odd intriguing word. ¡°¡­ brand ¡­ positioning ¡­ Cannes ¡­ next year ¡­ Europe ¡­¡± ¡°I agree,¡± chimes in Luke. ¡°But ¡­¡± mumble mumble, ¡°big budget ¡­ Academy Awards ¡­¡± Academy Awards? My ears prick up. What about the Academy Awards? God, I wish there were subtitles. ¡°You know what?¡± says Sage with sudden animation. ¡°Fuck them. They¡¯re a ¡­¡± mumble mumble, ¡°Pippi Taylor ¡­ well, their choice ¡­¡± Page 44 I¡¯m nearly falling off my lounge chair, trying to hear. It said in The Hollywood Reporter last week that Sage Seymour had lost out to Pippi Taylor in the last three roles she¡¯d gone for. It also said that Sage was on a downward slide, not that I would mention this. I think that¡¯s why she¡¯s hired Luke¡ªto help turn things around for her. ¡°¡­ Lois Kellerton situation ¡­¡± ¡°¡­ have to ignore Lois Kellerton, Sage.¡± Lois Kellerton. I sit up straighter, my mind working frantically. Now I remember. There¡¯s some old feud between Sage and Lois Kellerton. Isn¡¯t there a clip of them on YouTube, yelling at each other backstage at an awards ceremony? But I can¡¯t remember what it¡¯s all about. ¡°Ignore that bitch?¡± Sage¡¯s voice rises indignantly. ¡°After everything she did to me? Are you kidding? She¡¯s a ¡­¡± mumble mumble ¡­ ¡°¡­ not relevant ¡­¡± ¡°¡­ totally relevant!¡± Oh, I can¡¯t bear it. For once, I have something to contribute to the conversation! I can¡¯t keep quiet any longer. ¡°I met Lois Kellerton!¡± I blurt out. ¡°I met her when we were out here house-hunting.¡± ¡°Oh, really?¡± Sage glances briefly up toward me. ¡°Poor you.¡± ¡°I didn¡¯t know that, Becky.¡± Luke looks surprised. ¡°Yes, well. It was quite bizarre. You¡¯ll never guess what she was doing.¡± I feel a flash of triumph as Sage finally gives me her full attention. ¡°What was that maniac doing?¡± ¡°She was ¡­¡± I hesitate for a moment as Lois¡¯s pale, tense face flashes through my mind. Her pleading voice. Her hand on mine. I did promise to keep her secret, I think uncomfortably. And I¡¯ve kept that promise until now. (Except telling Suze. That doesn¡¯t count.) But, on the other hand, why should I protect her? She was breaking the law. Exactly. Exactly! I should really have marched her to the nearest police station. And then she tried to bribe me. Well, I¡¯m not someone who can be bribed. No way. Not Becky Brandon. Besides which ¡­ I mean, the point is ¡­ OK. The real, honest truth is, I¡¯m desperate to keep Sage¡¯s attention. ¡°She was shoplifting!¡± The words pop out of my mouth before I can think about it any more. And if I wanted a reaction, I¡¯m not disappointed. ¡°No way.¡± Sage¡¯s eyes flash, and she bangs the table with her hand. ¡°No way.¡± ¡°Shoplifting?¡± says Aran in astonishment. ¡°Come here. Come!¡± Sage pats the chair beside her. ¡°Tell us all about it.¡± Trying to hide my delight, I hurry over to the table and sink down in the chair next to Sage. Oh God, my thighs are about twice the size of hers. Never mind. I¡¯ll just keep my gaze away from the general thigh direction. ¡°What happened?¡± Sage is demanding eagerly. ¡°Where were you?¡± ¡°She was in a sports shop on Rodeo Drive. She pinched three pairs of socks. I mean, she gave them back,¡± I add hurriedly. ¡°I think it was just ¡­ you know. A moment of madness.¡± ¡°And you caught her?¡± ¡°I chased her down the street,¡± I admit. ¡°I didn¡¯t know who she was at first.¡± ¡°You¡¯re a hero!¡± Sage lifts a hand and high-fives me with her tiny, beringed hand. ¡°Go, Becky!¡± ¡°I had no idea.¡± Luke looks gobsmacked. ¡°Well, I promised I wouldn¡¯t tell anyone.¡± ¡°But you¡¯ve just told us.¡± Luke raises his eyebrows at me and I feel an uneasy pang, which I squash down. Come on. It¡¯s no big deal. It¡¯s not like I¡¯ve blabbed to the whole world. ¡°Don¡¯t tell anyone else, will you?¡± I look around the table. ¡°It was only three pairs of socks.¡± ¡°Sure.¡± Sage pats my hand. ¡°Your secret¡¯s safe with us.¡± ¡°She was lucky it was you that caught her and not store security,¡± says Aran drily. ¡°Typical. That witch always lands on her feet.¡± Sage rolls her eyes. ¡°Now, if it had been me who caught her ¡­¡± ¡°Don¡¯t even go there.¡± Aran gives a short laugh. ¡°What happened between you two?¡± I venture timidly. ¡°I know there was some kind of ¡­ argument?¡± ¡°Argument?¡± Sage gives a snort. ¡°More like a completely unprovoked attack. She¡¯s, like, a total psycho. She has a screw loose, if you ask me.¡± ¡°Sage.¡± Aran sighs. ¡°This is old ground.¡± He glances at Luke. ¡°Maybe we could move on.¡± Page 45 ¡°Absolutely.¡± Luke nods. ¡°Let¡¯s¡ª¡± ¡°No! Becky wants to hear about it!¡± Sage turns to me, ignoring both Aran and Luke. ¡°It started at the SAG Awards. She said she should have won Best Actress because she looked better than me in her movie. Hello? I was playing a cancer victim.¡± ¡°No way.¡± I stare at her, shocked. ¡°That¡¯s awful.¡± ¡°You know what she said? ¡®You don¡¯t get any acting awards for shaving off your hair.¡¯ ¡± Sage¡¯s eyes open wide. ¡°Do you know how much research I put into that role?¡± ¡°Anyway¡ª¡± ¡°Well, she¡¯s getting what she deserves now.¡± Sage¡¯s eyes narrow. ¡°Did you hear about this sports film she¡¯s doing? Nightmare. Ten million over budget, and the director walked out. Everyone hates her. She¡¯s gonna go down.¡± Her phone bleeps and she squints at it. ¡°Oh. I have to go. You guys finish up without me.¡± ¡°You have to go?¡± Luke stares at her. ¡°We¡¯ve only just started!¡± ¡°Sage, hon.¡± Aran sighs again. ¡°We cleared your schedule for this. We want to hear what Luke has to say.¡± ¡°I have to go,¡± she repeats, shrugging. ¡°I forgot I have a class at Golden Peace.¡± ¡°Well, cancel it.¡± ¡°I¡¯m not going to cancel it!¡± she retorts, as though he¡¯s crazy. ¡°I¡¯ll catch up with you guys later.¡± I can see Aran and Luke exchanging frustrated looks as she picks up her bag, but I¡¯m more interested in the fact that she¡¯s going to Golden Peace. ¡°So, do you go to Golden Peace a lot?¡± I ask casually. ¡°Oh, all the time. It¡¯s amazing. You should go.¡± ¡°Actually, I¡¯m planning to,¡± I hear myself saying. ¡°I¡¯ll see you there!¡± ¡°You¡¯re going to Golden Peace, Becky?¡± says Luke, deadpan. ¡°I didn¡¯t know that.¡± ¡°Yes.¡± I avoid his quizzical gaze. ¡°I¡¯m going to sign up for some classes.¡± ¡°Oh, do it!¡± says Sage earnestly. ¡°That place is great. I have, like, huge self-esteem issues, and they¡¯ve really worked on them. I have self-assertion issues, too, self-acceptance issues ¡­ I¡¯m battling some pretty big stuff.¡± She flicks back her hair. ¡°How about you?¡± ¡°Me too,¡± I say hastily. ¡°I¡¯m battling some big stuff too. I have ¡­ er ¡­ spending issues. I want to work on those.¡± I hear a snort from Luke¡¯s direction, which I choose to ignore. Sage nods. ¡°They have a good program for that. It¡¯s just a great place for getting your shit together. I mean, what good is all of this if we don¡¯t love ourselves, right?¡± She spreads her arms wide. ¡°And how can we love ourselves if we don¡¯t get ourselves?¡± ¡°Exactly.¡± I nod too. ¡°That¡¯s exactly what I¡¯ve always thought.¡± ¡°Great. Well, see you there. We could have coffee?¡± ¡°Love to,¡± I say as carelessly as possible. ¡°This is my new cell number.¡­¡± She reaches for my phone and punches in a number. ¡°Text me back, then I¡¯ll have yours.¡± Oh my God! I want to pinch myself. I¡¯m making a date for coffee with Sage! Finally I have something to tell Mum and Suze! As soon as Sage has left, I hurry into the house and call Suze. ¡°Hey, Suze!¡± I blurt out as soon as she answers. ¡°Guess what?¡± ¡°No, you guess what!¡± she replies, her voice bubbling over with excitement. ¡°We¡¯re coming to L.A.! I¡¯ve swung it with Tarkie. He¡¯s going to have a meeting with his investment people out there. I said to him, ¡®It¡¯s irresponsible to have investments in the States and not even know what they are.¡¯ So at last he agreed. And he really needs a break.¡± She sighs. ¡°He¡¯s still devastated about The Surge. Did you see the newspaper write-ups?¡± ¡°A couple.¡± I wince. ¡°His father keeps sending him newspaper clippings and saying he¡¯s disgraced the Cleath-Stuart name.¡± ¡°No!¡± I say in horror. ¡°Poor Tarkie feels like such a failure. And the stupid thing is, the fountain works now. It¡¯s a brilliant tourist attraction. But everyone just remembers the launch going wrong.¡± ¡°Well, come out to L.A. as soon as you can,¡± I say firmly. ¡°We¡¯ll walk on the beach and forget all about it, and Tarkie will cheer up.¡± ¡°Exactly. I¡¯m looking into flights right now. I¡¯ve told the school we¡¯re taking the children on an educational sabbatical. L.A. is educational, right?¡± Page 46 ¡°Definitely! So how long are you coming for?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know,¡± says Suze. ¡°At least a month, maybe more. Tarkie needs some serious time off. A week won¡¯t do it. Oh, what was your news?¡± she adds as an afterthought. ¡°Nothing much,¡± I say casually. ¡°Just that I met Sage Seymour and we really got on and we¡¯re going to have coffee at Golden Peace.¡± Ha! ¡°Oh my God!¡± Suze¡¯s voice blasts me away. ¡°Come on, spill! What was she like? What was she wearing? What did¡ªhang on,¡± she interrupts herself. ¡°Did you say Golden Peace?¡± ¡°Yes.¡± I try to sound nonchalant. ¡°The rehab place?¡± ¡°Yes.¡± ¡°Started by Alicia Bitch Long-legs¡¯s husband?¡± ¡°Yes.¡± ¡°Bex, are you insane? Why are you going there?¡± ¡°To ¡­ um ¡­ to go on the spending-addiction program.¡± ¡°What?¡± She actually splutters down the phone. ¡°I want to work on my issues.¡± I clear my throat. ¡°I have some big stuff to sort out.¡± Somehow when I say it to Suze it doesn¡¯t sound as convincing as it did before. ¡°No, you don¡¯t!¡± she says in derision. ¡°You just want to hang out with Sage Seymour and all the celebrities!¡± ¡°Well, so what if I do?¡± I say defensively. ¡°But they¡¯re all weird,¡± she says, sounding unhappy. ¡°Bex, don¡¯t get weird on me, please.¡± I¡¯m momentarily silenced. She¡¯s right. They are a bit weird. Alicia¡¯s totally weird. But, then, if I don¡¯t go to Golden Peace, how will I get to have coffee with Sage? ¡°I¡¯ll be fine. I¡¯ll only listen with one ear.¡± ¡°Well ¡­ all right.¡± Suze sighs. ¡°But don¡¯t get sucked in. Please.¡± ¡°I promise.¡± I cross my fingers. I¡¯m not going to admit the truth: I quite want to get sucked in. Because it¡¯s occurred to me that if Sage goes to Golden Peace, who else might go? What career opportunities might there be? What if I meet some famous director and we get talking about the costumes for his next film over herbal tea, or whatever they drink. (Probably coconut water or yam water. Or banana water. Something gross like that.) ¡°Bex?¡± ¡°Oh.¡± I come to. ¡°Sorry, Suze.¡± ¡°So, come on,¡± she demands. ¡°What was Sage wearing? And don¡¯t leave anything out.¡± ¡°Well ¡­¡± I sit back happily, settling in for a proper long chat. L.A. is fab and exciting and everything¡ªbut I do miss my best friend. From: Kovitz, Danny To: Kovitz, Danny Subject: I¡¯m alive!!!!!! dearest friends i write this from training camp on the island of kulusuk. i have been here one day and already i know this will be a transformating experience for me. i¡¯ve never felt so alive. i have taken shots of the snow ice and the cute inuit people with their darling clothes. i am ready for the challenge. i am ready to push myself. i am ready to be at one with the soaring powerful nature that is around me. it is a mystical experience. i feel proud and humbled and enlivened and excited. i will see landscapes few people have ever seen. i will push myself to the brink. my new collection will be based on the experience. all my love and wish me luck. i will email again from the next camp. danny xxxxx All I can say is ¡­ wow. I mean, namaste. Or maybe satnam? (I¡¯ve been learning lots of spiritual, yoga-ish words and trying to use them in conversation. Except that ¡°satnam¡± always makes me think of ¡°satnav.¡±) Why have I never got into mind-body-spirit before? Why did I never do well-being classes in England? Or Navigate Your Inner Terrain? Or Sound Healing for Childhood Damage? I¡¯ve been attending Golden Peace for two weeks now, and it¡¯s transformed my life. It¡¯s just amazing! For a start, the place is fantastic. It¡¯s a huge site on the coast, just south of L.A. It used to be a golf club, but now it¡¯s all low sandy-colored buildings and koi lakes and a running track, which I¡¯m totally intending to use sometime. Plus they sell fresh juices, and healthy meals, and there¡¯s free yoga at lunchtime on the beach, and in the evenings they show inspirational movies outside while everyone lolls on beanbags. Basically, you don¡¯t ever want to leave. I¡¯m sitting in a room with a dark-wood floor and billowing white curtains at the windows and softly fragranced air. All the rooms at Golden Peace smell the same¡ªit¡¯s their signature scent of ylang-ylang and cedar and ¡­ some other healthy thing. You can buy the scented candles at the gift shop. I¡¯ve already bought eight, because they¡¯ll make perfect Christmas presents. Page 47 All the spending-addiction programs were full when I phoned up, but that doesn¡¯t matter, because this really nice girl, Izola, recommended a whole program of general well-being classes for me. The point is, everyone can work on their soul and inner being, because the spiritual muscle needs exercise like any other. (I read that in the brochure.) I do self-esteem group on Mondays, Compassionate Communication on Tuesdays, The Transitive Self on Wednesdays, and this brilliant class called Tapping for Well-Being on Fridays. Right now it¡¯s a Thursday morning, and I¡¯m in Mindfulness for a Positive Life. At the start of the class, the teacher always says how hard mindfulness is and how it will take time to let go of the outside world, and we mustn¡¯t be impatient with ourselves. But, actually, I find it easy. I think I must be a natural. The group is quiet, and we¡¯re all meditating on something in the room, which is what we do every week. Luckily, the people at Golden Peace are all really stylish, so there¡¯s always something interesting to meditate on. Today I¡¯m focusing on a gorgeous leather backpack in teal, which the dark-haired girl opposite me has slung below her chair. I want to ask her if they come in slate gray, but perhaps I¡¯ll do that after the class. ¡°Brian,¡± says our teacher, Mona, in a soft voice. ¡°Could you please vocalize for us your mindfulness journey today? What are you meditating on?¡± I¡¯ve seen Brian before. He¡¯s tall and buff with quite a prominent nose, which is unusual in L.A., and he brings in a Starbucks, although I¡¯m sure that¡¯s not allowed. ¡°I¡¯m focusing on the grain in the wooden floor,¡± says Brian, in a stilted voice. ¡°I¡¯m looking at the way the wood swirls around and ebbs and flows. I want to think about my ex-wife, but I¡¯m going to push those thoughts away.¡± He sounds suddenly fierce. ¡°I¡¯m not going to think about her or her lawyer¡ª¡± ¡°Brian, don¡¯t judge yourself,¡± says Mona gently. ¡°Simply allow your thoughts to return to the floor. Absorb every detail. Every line, every speck, every curve. Be in the moment. Try to reach a heightened sense of awareness.¡± Brian exhales. ¡°I¡¯m in the moment,¡± he says shakily, his eyes riveted on the floor. ¡°Good!¡± Mona smiles. ¡°Now, Rebecca?¡± She turns to me. ¡°We haven¡¯t heard much from you. How is your meditation going today?¡± ¡°Great, thanks!¡± I beam at her. ¡°What are you meditating on?¡± ¡°That bag.¡± I point. ¡°It¡¯s really nice.¡± ¡°Thanks.¡± The dark-haired girl smiles. ¡°A bag.¡± Mona blinks. ¡°That¡¯s different. Are you focusing on the texture of the bag ¡­ the buckles ¡­ the color?¡± ¡°The straps,¡± I say. ¡°The straps. Good. Perhaps you could share your meditation with us. Just ¡­ give us a stream of consciousness. Take us where your thoughts are going.¡± ¡°OK.¡± I take a deep breath. ¡°Well, I¡¯m thinking that those straps look really comfortable, but it depends how wide your shoulders are, doesn¡¯t it? So then I¡¯m wondering if I could try it after the class. And I¡¯d prefer it in slate gray because I¡¯ve already got a teal leather bag, but, actually, I might give that to my friend Suze because she¡¯s always liked it, and she¡¯s coming out to visit me. In fact, she¡¯s arriving today! And then I¡¯m wondering if they stock them in Barneys, because I¡¯ve got a gift voucher for there, although I have also seen this really nice jacket for my daughter, Minnie, in the children¡¯s department, which I want to get¡ª¡± ¡°Rebecca, stop!¡± Mona holds up a hand, and I come to a halt in surprise. ¡°Stop there!¡± What¡¯s wrong? I thought I was doing really well. I was much more interesting than Brian, with his boring old grainy wood. ¡°Yes?¡± I say politely. ¡°Rebecca¡ªlet¡¯s remind ourselves of what mindfulness means. It means we bring our attention to the present experience on a moment-to-moment basis.¡± ¡°I know.¡± I nod. ¡°My present experience is thinking about that bag,¡± I explain. ¡°Is it by Alexander Wang?¡± ¡°No, it¡¯s 3.1 Phillip Lim,¡± says the girl. ¡°I got it online.¡± ¡°Oh, right!¡± I say eagerly. ¡°Which site?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t think you understand,¡± Mona cuts across me. ¡°Rebecca, try to focus on just one aspect of the bag. As soon as you notice your mind wandering off, gently bring it back to the object of attention. OK?¡± ¡°But my mind didn¡¯t wander off,¡± I protest. ¡°I was thinking about the bag the whole time.¡± Page 48 ¡°I can send you the link,¡± chimes in the dark-haired girl. ¡°It¡¯s a really great backpack. You can fit an iPad in it.¡± ¡°Oh, can I try it on?¡± ¡°Sure.¡± The girl reaches for the bag. ¡°People!¡± Mona¡¯s voice sounds a little sharp, and she immediately smiles as though to compensate. ¡°Put the bag down! OK! Let¡¯s ¡­ focus. Rebecca, I¡¯m going to recommend that you leave the bag meditation for now. Instead, try to concentrate on your breathing. Become aware of your breath going in and out of your body. Don¡¯t judge it ¡­ don¡¯t judge yourself ¡­ just observe your breath. Can you do that?¡± ¡°OK.¡± I shrug. ¡°Great! We¡¯ll take five minutes¡¯ meditation, all of us. Close your eyes if you¡¯d like.¡± The room lapses into silence, and I dutifully try to focus on my breath. In. Out. In. Out. In. God, this is boring. What is there to think about breathing? I know I¡¯m not an expert on mindfulness, but surely meditation is supposed to make you feel good. Well, I¡¯d feel much better if I was meditating on a lovely bag than on my breathing. My eyes open and drift to the backpack. No one can tell what I¡¯m meditating on. I¡¯ll say it was my breath. They¡¯ll never know. Oh, I really do love it. The zips are so cool. And the point is, I should get it because backpacks are good for your posture. Suze will be delighted if I give her my Marc Jacobs. Surreptitiously, I glance at my watch. I wonder where she is. At the airport, hopefully. Her plane should have landed by now, and I¡¯ve told her to come straight here for lunch. Thank God it isn¡¯t all coconut water; they serve a decent decaf cappuccino and some quite yummy carob brownies, and Suze said she¡¯d bring me out some Lion bars ¡­ ¡°And gradually bring your thoughts back to the group.¡± Mona¡¯s voice interrupts my meditation. Around the room, people open their eyes and stretch their legs, and a couple yawn. Mona smiles at me. ¡°How was that? Did you manage to keep your mind focused, Rebecca?¡± ¡°Er ¡­ yes!¡± I say brightly. Which is sort of true. My thoughts were focused, just not on my breathing. We end with a minute¡¯s silent contemplation and then file out of the room, onto the grounds, blinking as we reenter the bright sunlight. At once, everyone who was in the class switches their phones back on and stares at them intently. That¡¯s mindfulness, if you ask me. We should meditate on our phones. In fact, I might suggest it next week¡ª Yessss! A text bleeps in my phone, and I nearly whoop. It¡¯s from Suze! She¡¯s here! OK, here¡¯s the thing about Suze. She¡¯s one of the most beautiful people I know, and I¡¯m not being biased. She¡¯s tall and slim and she has amazing clothes. She can totally shop for Britain and she once nearly modeled for Vogue. But she does tend to spend quite a lot of time in jodhpurs or jeans or some ancient old Barbour, especially now that she lives in the country all the time. So that¡¯s what I¡¯m expecting to see as I hurry toward the entrance gates. Suze in skinny jeans and ballet pumps, with maybe a nice linen jacket, and the children in their usual bumpy corduroy pinafores and shorts, handmade by Nanny. What I¡¯m not expecting to see is the vision before me. I have to blink to make sure it¡¯s the Cleath-Stuarts. They look like some celebrity L.A. family. What¡¯s happened? Suze looks so spectacular I barely recognize her. For a start, she¡¯s wearing teeny denim shorts. I mean, really, really teeny. Her legs are long and brown, and her pedicured feet are in Havaianas. Her long hair is blonder than usual (has she bleached it?) and she¡¯s wearing the most amazing pair of Pucci sunglasses. The children look super-cool too. The two boys are wearing bomber jackets and gel in their hair, and Clementine is rocking teeny little skinny jeans with a tank top. For a moment I can¡¯t do anything except blink in astonishment. Then Suze sees me and starts waving frantically, and I come to life again and rush forward. ¡°Suze!¡± ¡°Bex!¡± ¡°You made it!¡± I fling my arms round her, then hug all the children in turn. ¡°Suze, your clothes!¡± ¡°Are they OK?¡± Suze says at once, anxiously, and brushes at her micro-shorts. ¡°I wanted to fit in. Do I look all right?¡± ¡°You look phenomenal! Did you spray that tan on?¡± I spot an inked dolphin on her ankle and gasp. ¡°Suze, you haven¡¯t gone and got yourself a tattoo.¡± ¡°God, no!¡± She laughs. ¡°It¡¯s temporary. Everyone¡¯s got tattoos in L.A., so I thought I¡¯d better have one for the trip. And some friendship bracelets.¡± She waves her arm at me, and I see a stack of about twenty friendship bracelets on her wrist, where normally she has an antique Cartier watch. Page 49 ¡°You¡¯ve been very thorough!¡± I say, impressed. ¡°You look totally L.A. Has Tarkie done the same? Where is he anyway?¡± ¡°Coming. He stopped to look at some special tree variety in the grounds. And no, he hasn¡¯t done the same.¡± She looks suddenly disconsolate. ¡°He won¡¯t join in. I bought him this really cool ripped T-shirt and cutoffs, but he won¡¯t wear them. I can¡¯t get him out of his shooting coat.¡± ¡°His shooting coat? In L.A.?¡± I stifle a giggle. Tarquin¡¯s shooting coat is an institution. It¡¯s made of the family tweed and has about ninety-five pockets and smells of wet dog all year round. ¡°Exactly! I wanted him to wear a leather bomber jacket, but he refused. He thinks friendship bracelets are stupid and my tattoo is ghastly.¡± She looks indignant. ¡°It isn¡¯t ghastly. It¡¯s cool!¡± ¡°It¡¯s lovely,¡± I say reassuringly. ¡°I just thought it would be a chance for him to break away, you know?¡± Suze¡¯s indignation fades to a familiar anxiety. ¡°He needs to stop moping. He needs to forget about his father and the LHA and all of them.¡± ¡°The LHA?¡± I say. ¡°What¡¯s that?¡± ¡°Oh.¡± She grimaces. ¡°Didn¡¯t I tell you? It¡¯s the Letherby Hall Association. They¡¯re members of the public who support Letherby Hall. They¡¯ve started a petition against the fountain.¡± ¡°No!¡± I exclaim in dismay. ¡°I know. And then another lot of them have started a petition for the fountain. They hate each other. They¡¯re all nuts.¡± She shudders. ¡°Anyway, forget about that. Are there any celebs here?¡± Her eyes dart all around as we walk along the path toward the leisure area. ¡°I can¡¯t believe you¡¯ve started coming to Golden Peace.¡± ¡°Isn¡¯t it great?¡± I say enthusiastically. ¡°There are brilliant groups, and yoga, and they serve brownies.¡­¡± I pause at a paved area with bronze bells set into small stone pillars all around. ¡°These are Paths of Serenity, by the way,¡± I add. ¡°You can ring the bells if you need clarity.¡± ¡°Clarity?¡± Suze raises an eyebrow. ¡°Yes. You know. Clarity in your life.¡± ¡°You get clarity in your life from ringing a bell?¡± She snorts with laughter as she pings one of the bells. ¡°Yes!¡± I say defensively. ¡°You need to keep an open mind, Suze. It¡¯s, like, a vibration thing. The chiming of the bell changes the rhythm of your inner ear, promoting understanding and resolution and ¡­ er ¡­¡± Oh God, I¡¯ve forgotten the rest. ¡°Anyway, they sound nice,¡± I finish lamely. It was Bryce, the personal-growth leader, who explained to me about vibrations and clarity, during my induction session, and I totally understood at the time. I¡¯ll have to ask him to explain again. There¡¯s a sudden violent clanging all around us. Suze¡¯s children have decided to have a go at bashing the bells. Ernest, who is my godson, is actually kickboxing his, and it¡¯s nearly coming off its pillar. ¡°Stop!¡± Suze says, dragging them away. ¡°Too much clarity! Can we get a cup of¡ª¡± She stops herself. ¡°A smoothie?¡± Ha. She was going to say ¡°cup of tea.¡± I know she was. ¡°D¡¯you want a cup of tea, Suze?¡± I say, to tease her. ¡°And a nice digestive biscuit?¡± ¡°No, thanks,¡± she says at once. ¡°I¡¯d far rather have a fresh juice. With a wheatgrass shot.¡± ¡°No, you wouldn¡¯t.¡± ¡°I would,¡± she says obstinately. She so wants a cup of tea. But I won¡¯t wind her up any more. She can have one when we get home. I¡¯ve bought English tea bags especially, and Cooper¡¯s Oxford Marmalade and Branston Pickle. I lead them all to the leisure area, where there¡¯s a caf¨¦ and a children¡¯s playground. Nearby, some guys are playing volleyball, and about a hundred yards away there¡¯s a tai chi class going on under the trees. ¡°How come they have a playground?¡± says Suze, as the children all run off to the swings and we sit down at a caf¨¦ table. ¡°They don¡¯t have children here, do they?¡± ¡°Oh no,¡± I say knowledgeably. ¡°But the residents often have their families to visit.¡± ¡°Residents?¡± ¡°You know. The burned-out drug-addict rehab ones. They live over there.¡± I gesture at a gated enclosure within the resort. ¡°Apparently there¡¯s some major, major A-list star in residence at the moment. But no one will say who.¡± ¡°Damn!¡± ¡°I know.¡± Page 50 ¡°Shall we walk past and casually peek?¡± ¡°I¡¯ve tried,¡± I say regretfully. ¡°The security people shoo you away.¡± ¡°But there are other celebs here, aren¡¯t there?¡± ¡°Yes! Loads!¡± I¡¯m about to elaborate when I notice a staff member walking nearby. ¡°But of course that¡¯s all really hush-hush, so I can¡¯t tell you anything,¡± I add hastily. Actually, the truth is, I¡¯ve only seen a couple of celebs in groups, and they weren¡¯t much to speak of. One was a Victoria¡¯s Secret model and held up our entire self-esteem group by making us sign individual confidentiality agreements. Then she¡¯d spelled her name wrong and we all had to change Brandie to Brandee and initial it. And then she didn¡¯t say anything remotely interesting anyway. I mean, honestly. ¡°I¡¯m going to have coffee with Sage Seymour,¡± I offer, and Suze wrinkles her brow, dissatisfied. ¡°Weren¡¯t you going to do that two weeks ago?¡± ¡°Yes, well, she¡¯s been busy¡ª¡± I break off as my eye catches a figure walking toward us. ¡°Oh my God,¡± I breathe. ¡°Tarquin looks terrible.¡± ¡°I know!¡± says Suze. ¡°Exactly! He could at least have worn jeans.¡± But that¡¯s not what I meant. I¡¯m not looking at his tweed shooting jacket, or his ancient brogues, or the mustard-colored knitted tie around his neck. It¡¯s his face. He looks so wan. And there¡¯s a stooped slant to his shoulders that I don¡¯t remember. Luke often gets hassled by his business, too, I find myself thinking. But it¡¯s different. He built his own company up himself. He drove it. He created it. Whereas Tarquin just had a massive empire plonked on his shoulders when his grandfather died. And right now it looks like it¡¯s too heavy for him. ¡°Tarkie!¡± I hurry forward to greet him. ¡°Welcome to Hollywood!¡± ¡°Oh. Ahm.¡± He raises a meager little smile. ¡°Yes. Hollywood. Marvelous.¡± ¡°Tarkie, take off your shooting coat!¡± says Suze. ¡°You must be boiling. In fact, why not take your shirt off too?¡± ¡°Take my shirt off? In public?¡± Tarquin looks scandalized, and I hide a giggle. I¡¯d better not take him to visit Venice Beach. ¡°Get some sun! It¡¯s good for you! Look, all those men there have taken their shirts off.¡± Suze points encouragingly to the volleyball players on the beach, who are mostly dressed in cutoffs and bandannas. Suze can be quite bossy when she wants to, and within thirty seconds Tarkie has taken off his shooting coat, his tie, his shirt, and his socks and shoes. To my amazement, he¡¯s quite tanned and muscled. ¡°Tarkie, have you been working out?¡± I say in astonishment. ¡°He¡¯s been helping with the fencing on the estate,¡± says Suze. ¡°You don¡¯t mind taking your shirt off for that, do you?¡± ¡°That¡¯s on my own land,¡± says Tarkie, as though it¡¯s obvious. ¡°Suze, darling, I think I¡¯ll put my shirt back on¡ª¡± ¡°No! Now, put these on.¡± She hands him a pair of Ray-Bans. ¡°There! Brilliant.¡± I¡¯m just about to take pity on Tarquin and offer to get him some Earl Grey tea when the volleyball bounces near us, and Suze leaps up to get it. A bronzed guy in cutoffs and a Golden Peace T-shirt comes running up, and as he draws near I see that it¡¯s Bryce. He¡¯s quite amazing, Bryce. He¡¯s got the most piercing blue eyes you¡¯ve ever seen, and he stares at you very intently before he says anything. I don¡¯t know how old he is¡ªhis hair is graying but he¡¯s incredibly lithe and energetic. He doesn¡¯t seem to take any groups, but he wanders round and gets to know people and says things like Your journey begins here and really seems to mean it. ¡°Rebecca.¡± His eyes crinkle into a smile. ¡°How¡¯s your day going?¡± ¡°Really well, thanks!¡± I beam at him. ¡°Bryce, these are my friends Suze and Tarquin.¡± ¡°Here¡¯s your ball,¡± says Suze, handing it to him. She flicks her hair back a little self-consciously, and I can see her sucking in her stomach, not that she needs to. ¡°Thank you.¡± Bryce turns his dazzling smile on her. ¡°Welcome, both of you.¡± His eyes fall on Tarquin¡¯s shooting coat. ¡°Cool jacket.¡± ¡°Oh,¡± says Tarquin. ¡°Ahm. My shooting coat.¡± ¡°Shooting coat.¡± Bryce¡¯s eyes light up. ¡°Now, that¡¯s a great idea. I guess it works in all weathers, right? And great pockets. May I?¡± Bryce picks up the coat and examines it admiringly. ¡°Useful for cartridges,¡± says Tarkie. Page 51 ¡°You shoot on film?¡± Bryce glances up, interested. ¡°Old school, huh. Excuse me for asking, but ¡­ do I know your work?¡± I hear Suze give a sudden snuffle of laughter, just as I catch on myself: Bryce thinks Tarkie¡¯s a director. Tarkie! I cannot think of anyone in my life less likely to direct a film. ¡°My work?¡± Tarquin looks slightly hunted. ¡°You mean ¡­ the work on Letherby Hall?¡± ¡°Letherby Hall.¡± Bryce frowns. ¡°I didn¡¯t see it, I¡¯m afraid. Was it released worldwide?¡± Tarquin seems totally baffled. I catch Suze¡¯s eye and try not to burst into giggles. ¡°Anyhow.¡± Bryce bounces the ball a couple of times. ¡°You want to join in?¡± ¡°Join in?¡± ¡°Volleyball.¡± He gestures at the guys waiting for him on the beach. ¡°Oh.¡± Tarquin looks taken aback. ¡°I don¡¯t think¡ª¡± ¡°Go on!¡± says Suze. ¡°Go on, Tarkie. It¡¯s just what you need after the flight.¡± Reluctantly, Tarquin gets to his feet and follows Bryce down onto the beach. A few moments later he¡¯s in the game, and hitting some pretty good shots, I notice. ¡°Tarkie¡¯s excellent at volleyball!¡± I exclaim. ¡°Oh yes, he¡¯s quite good at that kind of thing,¡± says Suze vaguely. ¡°He played Fives for Eton. That Bryce is something, isn¡¯t he?¡± She¡¯s not even watching her own husband. Her eyes are fixed on Bryce. This is what he¡¯s like. Everyone gets a crush on him, male and female alike. A waiter comes over and I order lots of different juices for us and the children, and I¡¯m about to ask Suze what she wants to do first, like maybe the Walk of Fame or Rodeo Drive or the Hollywood sign ¡­ when I notice someone out of the corner of my eye. A blond someone, wandering down toward the beach, in white yoga pants and a pink racing-back top. ¡°She¡¯s here,¡± I mutter, turning my head away swiftly. ¡°Don¡¯t look.¡± ¡°Who?¡± Suze immediately swivels her head all around. ¡°Someone famous?¡± ¡°No. Someone hideous in every way.¡± Suze suddenly spots her and gasps, ¡°Alicia Bitch Long-legs!¡± ¡°Shhh!¡± I pull at Suze. ¡°Turn away. Don¡¯t engage. Aloof and flinty.¡± ¡°Right,¡± says Suze vaguely, without moving. I¡¯d related the whole awful Alicia encounter to Suze on the phone, but she was waxing her legs at the same time, and I¡¯m not sure she was listening properly. ¡°She¡¯s lost weight,¡± says Suze critically. ¡°And her hair looks really good. I like her top¡ª¡± ¡°Stop complimenting her! And don¡¯t attract her attention.¡± But it¡¯s too late. Alicia¡¯s heading our way. This isn¡¯t the first time I¡¯ve seen her at Golden Peace, but it¡¯s the first time she¡¯s actually come over to speak to me. In Golden Peace terms, Alicia is virtually royalty. There¡¯s a great big picture of her and Wilton up in the lobby, and when the pair of them walked through the crowded caf¨¦ last week, everyone was practically bowing. Everyone except me. ¡°Suze.¡± Alicia doesn¡¯t even look at me but greets Suze with her new soft voice, and I see Suze blink in surprise. ¡°It¡¯s been a long time.¡± ¡°Hi, Alicia,¡± says Suze warily. ¡°You must be here visiting Rebecca. Are those your children?¡± She turns to look at Ernest, Wilfrid, and Clementine, who are running raucously round the slide. ¡°They¡¯re stunning! And I love those cute little jackets.¡± ¡°Oh, thanks!¡± says Suze. She sounds disarmed, and I scowl inwardly. That¡¯s a typical underhanded trick. Compliment the children. ¡°How long are you here?¡± adds Alicia. ¡°Not sure yet,¡± says Suze. ¡°Only I was going to say, if you¡¯d like them to go to school during your stay, I could fix it up. Our children go to a very good preschool, don¡¯t they, Rebecca?¡± She manages to glance toward me without meeting my eye. ¡°And there¡¯s a private school nearby, which might do for the older one. I should think he¡¯s quite advanced?¡± ¡°Well.¡± Suze blossoms. ¡°He is quite bright.¡± ¡°I could have a word with the principals. It might be fun for them to experience a U.S. education briefly. The semester¡¯s nearly over, but then there are some great summer programs.¡± ¡°Wow.¡± Suze seems taken aback. ¡°Well, that would be great. But are you sure¡ª¡± ¡°It¡¯s no trouble.¡± Alicia gives her wafty smile again, then turns serious. ¡°Suze, I know our friendship hasn¡¯t always been straightforward.¡± Page 52 Friendship? They don¡¯t have a friendship. ¡°But I want you to know,¡± Alicia continues, ¡°that I¡¯m set on remolding that path, and I¡¯m sorry for any discomfort I may have caused you in the past. Let¡¯s carry on life¡¯s journey in a different spirit.¡± ¡°Right.¡± Suze seems totally flummoxed. Meanwhile, I¡¯m just staring, rigid with shock. She said sorry? She said sorry to Suze? ¡°I¡¯ll let you know about the schools.¡± Alicia smiles and touches Suze¡¯s shoulder, as though giving a blessing. She nods gravely to me, then moves off, down toward the beach. ¡°Oh my God.¡± Suze exhales when she¡¯s out of earshot. ¡°What¡¯s happened to her? That weird voice, and that smile ¡­ and all that stuff about remolding her life ¡­¡± She looks at me, giggling, but I can¡¯t join in. ¡°She said sorry to you,¡± I say incredulously. ¡°I know.¡± Suze looks chuffed. ¡°That was sweet, I thought. And it was nice of her to offer to help with the schools¡ª¡± ¡°No!¡± I clutch my head. ¡°You don¡¯t understand! She refused to say sorry to me! After everything she did to Luke and me, she wouldn¡¯t apologize. I asked her to, straight out.¡± ¡°Well ¡­¡± Suze thinks for a moment. ¡°Maybe she was too embarrassed.¡± ¡°Embarrassed? Alicia Bitch Long-legs doesn¡¯t get embarrassed!¡± ¡°Maybe she thought she¡¯d already apologized.¡± ¡°You¡¯re sticking up for her.¡± I stare at Suze in dismay. ¡°I can¡¯t believe you¡¯d stick up for Alicia Bitch Long-legs.¡± ¡°I¡¯m not sticking up for her!¡± ripostes Suze. ¡°I¡¯m just saying, people change, and¡ª¡± She breaks off as our drinks arrive, and the waitress presents us with two Golden Peace gift bags: glossy white with golden rope handles. ¡°Alicia asked me to give you these.¡± She smiles. ¡°A little welcome pack.¡± ¡°Ooh! Thank you!¡± says Suze, and starts unpacking hers straightaway. ¡°Look, bath oil ¡­ and a candle ¡­¡± ¡°You¡¯re accepting it?¡± I say, scandalized. ¡°Of course I am!¡± says Suze, rolling her eyes. ¡°It¡¯s an olive branch. She¡¯s changed. You should let people change, Bex.¡± ¡°She hasn¡¯t changed.¡± I glare at Suze. ¡°If she¡¯d changed she would apologize.¡± ¡°She did apologize!¡± ¡°Not to me!¡± I practically yell. ¡°Not to me!¡± ¡°Look, Bex.¡± Suze pauses halfway through unwrapping some herbal tea bags. ¡°Please don¡¯t let¡¯s argue. Especially not about Alicia, for goodness¡¯ sake! I think you should have your goody bag and enjoy it. Go on.¡± She prods me with a teasing smile. ¡°Open it. I know you want to.¡­¡± Even though I¡¯m still simmering inside, I can¡¯t argue any more with Suze. Especially on her first day here. So I make a huge effort and smile back. I¡¯ll never get her to understand about Alicia, I think dolefully. Maybe no one will ever properly understand except Luke (kind of) and me, and I just have to accept that. Reluctantly, I pull the gift bag toward me and open it. I¡¯ve got a candle, too, and some olive-oil soap, and ¡­ wow. A Golden Peace bikini. I¡¯ve seen those in the shop, and they¡¯re a hundred dollars. I mean, it¡¯s nice. But it doesn¡¯t change Alicia. ¡°I really want one of those white-and-gold bracelets,¡± says Suze, eyeing mine. ¡°Maybe I¡¯ll take some classes. Let¡¯s have a look.¡­¡± She opens the brochure, which was in the bag, then a moment later puts it down, her eyes wide. ¡°Bex, this place costs a fortune! How many times a week do you come here?¡± ¡°Er ¡­ every day.¡± ¡°Every day?¡± Suze is goggle-eyed. ¡°But how much does that cost?¡± She starts flicking through the brochure, gasping at every page. ¡°Have you seen how much a yoga class costs? I pay a fifth of that in London.¡± She seems so flabbergasted, I feel a bit defensive. ¡°It¡¯s not about money, Suze. It¡¯s about mental health and spiritual well-being and my personal journey.¡± ¡°Oh yes?¡± she says skeptically. ¡°Well, have they stopped you shopping too much?¡± I wait for a beat, then answer with a flourish: ¡°Yes!¡± ¡°Yes?¡± Suze drops the brochure and stares at me with huge blue eyes. ¡°Bex, did you say ¡®yes¡¯?¡± Ha. Ha-di-ha. I was waiting for this subject to come up. ¡°Yes,¡± I say smugly. ¡°I had a special one-to-one session yesterday with David, one of the therapists, and we talked through my issues, and he gave me lots of coping mechanisms. I¡¯m a changed person, Suze!¡± Page 53 ¡°Oh my God,¡± says Suze weakly. ¡°You¡¯re serious.¡± ¡°Of course I¡¯m serious!¡± ¡°So ¡­ what, you walk into a shop and you don¡¯t want to buy anything?¡± ¡°That¡¯s not how it works,¡± I say kindly. ¡°It¡¯s a journey, Suze. We¡¯re all on a journey.¡± ¡°Well, how does it work?¡± ¡°I¡¯ll show you! Come on, we¡¯ll go to the gift shop.¡± I drain my juice and leap up, by now totally cheered. I¡¯m longing to show off all my new techniques. I haven¡¯t had a chance to practice them yet, except in the mirror at home. ¡°Ernie!¡± commands Suze. ¡°You¡¯re in charge. Stay in the playground. We¡¯ll just be in the shop, OK?¡± ¡°It¡¯s fine,¡± I say. ¡°We can see the playground from the shop. Come on!¡± To be honest, I¡¯ve been quite amazed at my own spectacular progress. When David came to find me at lunch one day and suggested a one-to-one session to ¡°discuss my shopping issues,¡± I wasn¡¯t that keen. In fact, I said, ¡°Wow, that sounds fab, but actually I¡¯m a bit too busy.¡± Then, when he set up a session anyway, I accidentally-on-purpose forgot to turn up. And then, when he came to find me in yoga, I ¡­ Well. I avoided him. OK, I ran away and hid behind a tree. Which I do appreciate was a bit childish. But he tracked me down in the caf¨¦ later that day and talked really sweetly to me and said if I hated what he said I could ignore it all. So at last I had the session. And all I can say is, why did I never do this before? David kept saying, ¡°These are the first baby steps¡± and ¡°I know you¡¯ll find these ideas hard,¡± and I agreed because I sensed that was what he wanted me to say. But, honestly, I found them easy. I must be mentally very strong, or something. He talked about ¡°why people shop,¡± and he told me about lots of different techniques that we could work on together, and then he told me how the lessons I¡¯m learning in my other classes, like Mindfulness for a Positive Life and Tapping for Well-Being, all feed into the same picture. And I nodded earnestly and took notes and then we talked about how I could go into the spending-addiction program when a space becomes available. But the truth is, I don¡¯t need to go into any spending-addiction program. I¡¯m clearly a very fast learner, because I¡¯ve totally got it. I have control over myself! I can¡¯t wait to show Suze. ¡°Here we are!¡± I push open the doors to the gift shop. I have to say, it¡¯s the most gorgeous shop. It¡¯s all pale wood and scented candles burning, and everywhere you look is some beautiful, uplifting thing to help you on your journey, like a cashmere yoga hoodie, or a soft leather-bound ¡°thought diary,¡± or positive affirmations printed on canvases. There¡¯s a jewelry range, which is all made of organic crystals, and there are stacks of books and CDs, and even a range of ¡°healing energy¡± makeup. I look at Suze, waiting for her to say, Wow, what an amazing shop! But she¡¯s just staring at me expectantly. ¡°OK,¡± she says. ¡°What now? Do you just look around and think, No, I don¡¯t want any of this?¡± ¡°It¡¯s a process,¡± I say patiently, and get out my notebook. ¡°First of all, I have to think, Why am I shopping? And I have to write it down.¡± I look at the list of suggestions David gave me. Am I bored? No. Lonely? No. Anxious? No. For a moment I¡¯m stumped. Why am I shopping? ¡°I¡¯ll put: To show friend that I don¡¯t shop too much anymore,¡± I say at last. I write it down and underline it proudly. ¡°Now what?¡± ¡°Going shopping can often be a way of boosting low self-esteem,¡± I say knowledgeably. ¡°So I have to boost my self-esteem myself, with affirmations.¡± I get out the positive-thoughts cards that David gave me and riffle through them. ¡°Like this: I approve of myself and feel great about myself.¡± I beam at Suze. ¡°Isn¡¯t that great? I¡¯ve got loads of them.¡± ¡°Let¡¯s see!¡± she says at once, holding out her hand. ¡°Here you are.¡± I hand her a card that says I accept others as they are, and they in turn accept me as I am. ¡°You can buy them here,¡± I add. ¡°And you can get really nice T-shirts with the affirmations printed on. Shall we try some on?¡± ¡°Try on T-shirts?¡± Suze stares at me. ¡°Bex, I thought you¡¯d given up shopping.¡± ¡°I haven¡¯t given up shopping.¡± I almost laugh at her na?ve, simplistic attitude. ¡°That¡¯s not what this is about, Suze. It¡¯s not about abstinence, it¡¯s about getting into a healthy shopping pattern.¡± Page 54 That¡¯s the lesson that stuck with me from the session yesterday. It¡¯s not about giving up shopping. As soon as David said that, the whole thing made more sense to me. ¡°Well, wouldn¡¯t it be healthier not to shop at all?¡± Suze demands. ¡°I mean, shouldn¡¯t we leave?¡± Suze really doesn¡¯t get it. But, then, she isn¡¯t as tuned in to her inner mental landscape as I am. ¡°It¡¯s actually a very bad idea to give up shopping altogether,¡± I explain. ¡°You have to learn to exercise your control muscle. Being in here is like a workout for me.¡± ¡°Right.¡± Suze looks dubious. ¡°So what happens next?¡± ¡°So, I¡¯ll just make the purchases I need to, calmly and with meaning.¡± I love that phrase. David kept saying it yesterday: ¡°You need to learn to shop calmly and with meaning.¡± ¡°But you don¡¯t need to buy anything,¡± objects Suze. ¡°Yes, I do! I need a book, actually. David told me to buy it. So.¡± I lead the way over to the cognitive-behavioral-therapy section and reach for a book titled Catching Thoughts: Your Introduction to CBT. ¡°This is what I do in my group,¡± I say importantly, pointing at the title. ¡°Cognitive behavioral therapy. If I want to buy something and it¡¯s not appropriate, I have to restructure my thoughts. I have to identify my cognitive errors and challenge them.¡± ¡°Wow.¡± For the first time, Suze looks genuinely impressed. ¡°Is that hard?¡± ¡°No, it¡¯s quite easy,¡± I say, flipping through the book. ¡°I¡¯ll get the audio version, too, so I can listen to it when I¡¯m out jogging. And there are some other titles David said I should look at.¡± I start scooping hardbacks into my basket. CBT Thought Diary, CBT for Spending Addiction, The Compulsive Spender¡¯s Journal, Shopaholic: Break the Pattern ¡­ As I pile the books up, I feel a glow of virtue. David was right: I can break free of my old ways. There are some really cool pencils, too, matte black with slogans like Growth and Exhale. I¡¯ll get a pack. Suze is watching me, a bit nonplussed. ¡°But, Bex, how is this different from normal shopping? Where¡¯s the challenging or whatever it is?¡± Oh, right. I¡¯d forgotten about that, just for a moment. ¡°I was coming to that,¡± I say, a little severely. ¡°You put the things in your basket and then you challenge yourself.¡± I lift up the top book and stare at it intently. I¡¯m actually a bit hazy about what I should do next, not that I¡¯ll admit that to Suze. ¡°I need this book,¡± I say at last, in a sonorous voice. ¡°This is my belief. The evidence for this belief is: David told me I should get it. The evidence against it is ¡­ none. So. I will buy it, calmly and with meaning. Amen.¡± ¡°Amen?¡± Suze gives a sudden giggle. ¡°That just slipped out,¡± I admit. ¡°Anyway, wasn¡¯t that cool? I¡¯ve totally learned how to challenge myself.¡± ¡°Do the pencils now,¡± Suze says. ¡°OK.¡± I take the pencils out and focus on them. ¡°I need these pencils. This is my belief. The evidence for this belief is: Pencils are always useful. The evidence against is¡ª¡± I stop dead as a thought strikes me. I¡¯ve already bought a pack of these pencils, haven¡¯t I? The first day I came here. What did I do with them? ¡°The evidence against,¡± I continue triumphantly, ¡°is that I¡¯ve already got some! So I¡¯m going to put them back!¡± With a flourish, I put the pack of pencils back on the shelf. ¡°You see? I¡¯m controlling myself. I¡¯m a completely different person. Impressed?¡± ¡°Well, OK. But what about all those books?¡± Suze nods at my basket. ¡°Surely you don¡¯t need so many.¡± Hasn¡¯t she been listening to anything I¡¯ve been saying? ¡°Of course I need them,¡± I say as patiently as I can. ¡°They¡¯re essential for my progress. I¡¯m going to buy them calmly and with meaning.¡± I reach for a gorgeous notepad. ¡°I¡¯m going to buy this calmly and with meaning too. I can keep my dream journal in it. Everyone should keep a dream journal, did you know that?¡± Suze still looks dissatisfied as I put it in my basket. ¡°All right, so suppose you do shop too much,¡± she says. ¡°What do you do then?¡± ¡°Then you use different techniques,¡± I explain. ¡°Like tapping.¡± ¡°What¡¯s tapping?¡± ¡°Oh, it¡¯s brilliant,¡± I say enthusiastically. ¡°You tap your face and chin and stuff, and you say mantras, and it frees your meridians and cures you.¡± Page 55 ¡°What?¡± Suze stares at me. ¡°It¡¯s true!¡± Tapping is almost my favorite class. Plus, I think it must be very good for toning the facial muscles, tapping your chin the whole time. I put my basket down and turn to demonstrate. ¡°You tap your forehead and you say, ¡®I know I have bought too much, but I deeply and completely accept myself.¡¯ See?¡± I beam at her. ¡°Easy.¡± I tap my chest for good measure, and the top of my head. ¡°Bex ¡­¡± Suze seems perplexed. ¡°What?¡± ¡°Are you sure you¡¯re doing it right?¡± ¡°Of course I¡¯m doing it right!¡± The trouble with Suze is, she hasn¡¯t had her mind opened, like I have. She hasn¡¯t been exposed to the wealth of mind-spirit enhancement that¡¯s out there. ¡°You¡¯ll learn the ways of Golden Peace after you¡¯ve been here a bit,¡± I say kindly. ¡°Now, let¡¯s try on T-shirts!¡± I would have thought Suze would be more impressed by Golden Peace. I think she¡¯s got a mental block. She¡¯s prejudiced, that¡¯s what it is. She hasn¡¯t signed up for a single class, and she didn¡¯t even buy a T-shirt. All she keeps saying is, she thinks it¡¯s all really expensive and what¡¯s the point? The point? Hasn¡¯t she noticed how transformed I am? Luckily, Tarkie is on my side. He thinks Golden Peace is great, and he¡¯s really bonded with Bryce. ¡°We both think exactly the same way about light pollution,¡± he¡¯s saying now. It¡¯s breakfast time the next day, and we¡¯re all gathered in the kitchen. ¡°Light pollution is a modern evil, but politicians simply won¡¯t listen.¡± I can see Suze rolling her eyes, and I give her a little smile. Tarkie is so obsessed about light pollution, he goes around Letherby Hall all the time switching off lights, and Suze creeps after him, switching them back on. ¡°Right!¡± I approach the table triumphantly, holding a plate. ¡°Here¡¯s our healthy L.A. breakfast. It¡¯s a steamed egg-white omelet, made with kale.¡± There¡¯s silence around the table. Everyone is looking at the plate in horror. OK, I admit it doesn¡¯t look exactly like an omelet. It¡¯s kind of white and shapeless, and the kale has turned gray-green. But it¡¯s healthy. ¡°A steamed omelet?¡± says Suze at last. ¡°I did it in the microwave, in a Ziploc bag,¡± I explain. ¡°It¡¯s fat-free. Who¡¯d like the first one?¡± There¡¯s another silence. ¡°Ahm ¡­ it looks delicious, I must say.¡± Tarquin plunges in. ¡°But you don¡¯t have any kippers, do you?¡± ¡°No, I don¡¯t have any kippers!¡± I say, a bit rattled. ¡°This isn¡¯t Scotland, it¡¯s L.A., and everyone eats steamed omelets.¡± Luke finally looks up from the letter he¡¯s been reading. ¡°What¡¯s that?¡± he says in horror, then sees my face and adjusts his expression. ¡°I mean ¡­ what¡¯s that?¡± ¡°It¡¯s a steamed omelet.¡± I prod it disconsolately. They¡¯re right; it does look disgusting. And I spent ages separating all the eggs and chopping up all the kale. The recipe was in a book called Power Brunch, and I thought everyone would be really impressed. I don¡¯t dare tell them about the mushroom protein shake, which I¡¯ve got waiting in the blender. ¡°Bex, where are the egg yolks you didn¡¯t use?¡± says Suze suddenly. ¡°In a bowl.¡± ¡°Well, why don¡¯t I make an omelet with them?¡± Before I can stop her, Suze is heating up a pan, putting lashings of butter into it, and frying up the most delicious, yellow, crispy omelet I¡¯ve ever seen, together with ribbons of bacon, which she got from the fridge. ¡°There.¡± She puts it on the table, and everyone falls on it. I take a forkful myself and nearly die with pleasure. ¡°They should do egg-yolk omelets in restaurants,¡± says Suze, her mouth full. ¡°Why¡¯s everyone so obsessed by egg whites anyway? They don¡¯t taste of anything.¡± ¡°They¡¯re healthy.¡± ¡°Crap,¡± says Suze robustly. ¡°We feed egg yolks to our lambs and they¡¯re perfectly healthy.¡± Luke is pouring coffee for everyone, Suze is slathering marmalade on a slice of toast, and spirits have generally lifted. ¡°So.¡± Luke looks around the table. ¡°I¡¯ve had an invitation today. Who fancies coming to a gala benefit at the Beverly Hilton hotel?¡± ¡°Me!¡± Suze and I exclaim simultaneously. ¡°It¡¯s for ¡­¡± He squints at the letter. ¡°Victims of discrimination. Some new charity.¡± Page 56 ¡°I read about that!¡± says Suze in excitement. ¡°Salma Hayek will be there! Can we really go?¡± ¡°Sage is asking us all to sit at her table, houseguests included.¡± Luke smiles at Suze. ¡°You¡¯re in.¡± ¡°Tarkie, did you hear that?¡± Suze leans across the table, brandishing her toast. ¡°We¡¯ve been invited to a real Hollywood party!¡± ¡°A party.¡± Tarquin looks as though he¡¯s been told he has to have a tooth out. ¡°Wonderful.¡± ¡°It¡¯ll be fun,¡± says Suze. ¡°You might meet Salma Hayek.¡± ¡°Ah.¡± He looks vague. ¡°Marvelous.¡± ¡°You don¡¯t know who Salma Hayek is, do you?¡± says Suze accusingly. ¡°Of course I do.¡± Tarkie looks trapped. ¡°He¡¯s ¡­ an actor. Jolly talented.¡± ¡°She! She¡¯s jolly talented!¡± Suze sighs. ¡°I¡¯ll have to coach you before we go. Here, read this, for a start.¡± She passes him a copy of Us Weekly, just as Minnie and Wilfrid run in to the kitchen. Having the Cleath-Stuarts to stay is brilliant for Minnie. I don¡¯t think she¡¯s ever had so much fun in her life. She¡¯s wearing two baseball caps, one on top of the other, holding a shoehorn like a riding crop, and ¡°riding¡± Wilfrid like a horse. ¡°Go, horsey!¡± she yells, and pulls on the ¡°reins,¡± which consist of about six of Luke¡¯s belts buckled together. The next minute, Clementine appears, ¡°riding¡± Ernest. ¡°Let¡¯s jump, Minnie!¡± she squeals. ¡°Let¡¯s jump over the sofas!¡± ¡°No!¡± says Suze. ¡°Stop running about and come and have some breakfast. Who wants toast?¡± I notice she¡¯s diplomatically not even referring to the egg-white omelet. I think we¡¯ll all just pretend it never existed. As the children get settled into their seats, I suddenly notice that Minnie has reached out for my phone. ¡°Please phone,¡± she says promptly. ¡°Pleeeeeease. Pleeeeeeeease!¡± She hugs it to her ear as though it¡¯s her newborn infant and I¡¯m Herod. I¡¯ve given Minnie about three plastic toy phones, but they don¡¯t fool her for an instant. You have to admire her, really. So I always end up giving in and letting her hold my phone¡ªeven though I¡¯m paranoid she¡¯s going to drop it in her milk or something. ¡°All right,¡± I say. ¡°Just for a minute.¡± ¡°Hello!¡± says Minnie into the phone, and beams at me. ¡°Hello, Oraaaa!¡± Ora? Ora Bitch Long-legs? ¡°Don¡¯t talk to Ora, darling,¡± I say lightly. ¡°Talk to someone else. Talk to Page. She¡¯s a sweet little girl.¡± ¡°Talk Ora,¡± Minnie says stubbornly. ¡°Love Ora.¡± ¡°You don¡¯t love Ora!¡± I snap, before I can stop myself. ¡°Who¡¯s Ora?¡± says Suze. ¡°Alicia¡¯s daughter,¡± I mutter. ¡°Of all the children in all the world for Minnie to become friends with.¡± ¡°Honestly, Bex!¡± retorts Suze. ¡°You¡¯re ridiculous. What is this, the Montagues and the Capulets?¡± Minnie looks from Suze to me, then back again. Then she screws up her face for a scream. ¡°Love Oraaaaaaa!¡± All this time, Luke has been tapping away on his BlackBerry. He has this almost mystical power to tune out his immediate surroundings when they consist of Minnie screeching. But now he raises his head. ¡°Who¡¯s Ora?¡± I can¡¯t believe our entire breakfast table is discussing Alicia Bitch Long-legs¡¯s daughter. ¡°No one,¡± I say. ¡°Minnie, come here and help me do my toast.¡± ¡°Toast!¡± Her eyes light up with instant excitement, and I can¡¯t help giving her a little kiss. Minnie thinks spreading butter on toast is the most fun activity in the world, except I have to dissuade her from adding marmalade and chocolate spread and peanut butter. (Luke always says, ¡°Like mother like daughter,¡± which is absolute nonsense; I don¡¯t know what he means.) As I sip my coffee and try to stop Minnie from smearing butter all over her fingers, I find myself watching Luke. He¡¯s gazing at his BlackBerry and there¡¯s a vein pulsing in his neck. He¡¯s stressed out about something. What? ¡°Luke?¡± I say cautiously. ¡°Is something up?¡± ¡°No,¡± he says at once. ¡°Nothing. Nothing.¡± OK. That means it¡¯s something. ¡°Luke?¡± I try again. He meets my eye and exhales. ¡°It¡¯s an email from my mother¡¯s lawyer. She¡¯s having some kind of surgery. He thought I should know.¡± Page 57 ¡°Right,¡± I say warily. Luke is glowering at the screen again. Any stranger looking at him would simply see a man in a bad temper. But I can see the special, devastated overlay that appears whenever Luke¡¯s thinking about his mother, and it makes my heart crunch. Luke just can¡¯t find happiness with his mother. He used to worship her unreasonably; now he loathes her unreasonably. Elinor abandoned him to go and live in the States when he was a child, and I don¡¯t think he¡¯s ever quite forgiven her. Especially now that he has Minnie, now that he knows what it is to be a parent. ¡°What does she expect?¡± he suddenly bursts out. ¡°What does she expect me to do?¡± ¡°Maybe she doesn¡¯t expect anything,¡± I venture. Luke doesn¡¯t reply, just sips his coffee with a murderous scowl. ¡°What kind of surgery is she having?¡± I ask. ¡°Is it serious?¡± ¡°Let¡¯s forget about it,¡± he says abruptly, and gets to his feet. ¡°So I¡¯ll tell Aran there are four acceptances for the benefit. It¡¯s black tie,¡± he adds, and kisses me. ¡°See you later.¡± ¡°Luke¡ª¡± I grab his hand to stop him. But as he turns back, I realize I don¡¯t know what I want to say except Please make peace with your mother, which I can¡¯t blurt out with no buildup. ¡°Have a good day,¡± I say lamely, and he nods. ¡°Black tie?¡± Tarquin is looking dismayed as he turns to Suze. ¡°Darling, what will I wear? I don¡¯t have my kilt.¡± His kilt? Oh my God. The idea of Tarkie turning up to some L.A. benefit in a kilt and sporran and those big woolly socks makes me want to collapse in laughter. ¡°You¡¯re not going to wear a kilt!¡± expostulates Suze. ¡°You¡¯re going to wear ¡­¡± She thinks for a moment. ¡°An Armani tuxedo. And a black shirt and a black tie. That¡¯s what all these Hollywood types wear.¡± ¡°A black shirt?¡± Now it¡¯s Tarquin¡¯s turn to expostulate. ¡°Suze, darling, only spivs wear black shirts.¡± ¡°Well, OK, a white shirt,¡± Suze relents. ¡°But not a wing collar. You need to look cool. And I¡¯m going to test you on celebrities later.¡± Poor Tarkie. As he leaves the kitchen, he looks like a man sentenced to prison, not a man who¡¯s got a ticket to the coolest party in town. ¡°He¡¯s hopeless,¡± sighs Suze. ¡°You know, he can name about a hundred breeds of sheep but not one of Madonna¡¯s husbands.¡± ¡°I¡¯ve never seen anyone so out of place.¡± I bite my lip, trying not to laugh. ¡°Tarkie¡¯s not suited to L.A., is he?¡± ¡°Well, we¡¯ve been on enough holidays to grouse moors,¡± says Suze. ¡°It¡¯s my turn. And I love it here.¡± She pours herself some more orange juice, then lowers her voice. ¡°What do you think¡¯s up with Elinor?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know.¡± I lower my voice even further. ¡°What if she¡¯s really ill?¡± We look at each other anxiously. I can tell our thoughts are heading in the same direction, then sheering away. ¡°He has to know the truth about the party,¡± says Suze at length. ¡°He has to know how generous she was. Just in case ¡­ anything happens.¡± ¡°But how do I tell him? He¡¯ll fly off the handle. He won¡¯t even listen!¡± ¡°Could you write it down?¡± I consider this for a moment. I am quite good at letter-writing, and I could make Luke promise to read to the end before shouting. But even as I¡¯m considering it, I know what I truly want to do. ¡°I¡¯m going to invite her over,¡± I say with resolve. ¡°Either before her surgery or afterward, depending.¡± ¡°Invite her where? Here?¡± Suze¡¯s eyes widen. ¡°Are you sure, Bex?¡± ¡°If I write a letter, he¡¯ll just ignore it. I need the two of them together. I¡¯m going to stage an intervention,¡± I say with a flourish. We were talking about interventions at Golden Peace the other day, and I was the only one who hadn¡¯t been in one. I felt quite left out. Suze looks doubtful. ¡°Aren¡¯t they for drug addicts?¡± ¡°And family disputes,¡± I say authoritatively. I don¡¯t actually know if this is true. But I can always start my own kind of intervention, can¡¯t I? I have a vision of myself, dressed in flowing white clothes, talking in a low melodious voice, and bringing harmony to the fractured souls of Luke and Elinor. Maybe I¡¯ll buy some healing crystals for the occasion. And some scented candles, and a CD of soothing chants. I¡¯ll come up with my own special cocktail of techniques, and I won¡¯t let Luke or Elinor leave until they¡¯ve achieved some sort of resolution. Page 58 ¡°Shouldn¡¯t you get someone specially trained?¡± Suze is still looking dubious. ¡°I mean, what do you know about it?¡± ¡°Loads,¡± I say, a bit offended. ¡°I¡¯ve picked up a lot from Golden Peace, you know, Suze. I¡¯ve done conflict resolution and everything. To understand everything is to forgive everything,¡± I can¡¯t resist quoting. ¡°Buddha.¡± ¡°OK, if you¡¯re such an expert, sort out this conflict.¡± Suze points at Wilfie and Clemmie, who are fighting desperately over some tiny plastic animal. ¡°Er ¡­ hey, Wilfie! Clemmie!¡± I call out. ¡°Who wants a sweetie?¡± Both children instantly stop tussling and hold out their hands. ¡°There!¡± I say smugly. ¡°Is that how you¡¯re going to sort out Luke and Elinor?¡± scoffs Suze. ¡°Offer them sweeties?¡± ¡°Of course not,¡± I say with dignity. ¡°I¡¯ll use a variety of techniques.¡± ¡°Well, I still think it¡¯s risky.¡± She shakes her head. ¡°Very risky.¡± ¡°One cannot refuse to eat simply because there is a risk of being choked,¡± I say wisely. ¡°Chinese proverb.¡± ¡°Bex, stop talking like a bloody T-shirt!¡± Suze suddenly flips out. ¡°I hate this stupid Golden Peace place! Talk about something normal. What are you going to wear for the benefit? And don¡¯t say something stupid, like, Clothes are a metaphor for the soul.¡± ¡°I wasn¡¯t going to!¡± I retort. Actually, that¡¯s quite good. I might drop that into a class at Golden Peace. Clothes are a metaphor for the soul. Maybe I¡¯ll get it printed on canvas to give to Suze for Christmas. ¡°Why are you smiling?¡± says Suze suspiciously. ¡°No reason!¡± I force my mouth straight. ¡°So. What are you going to wear to the benefit?¡± Suze can talk about shopping. She can talk about shopping! Not only has she bought a new dress for the benefit, she¡¯s bought new shoes, a new necklace, and new hair. New hair. She didn¡¯t even tell me she was doing it. One moment she was ¡°popping out to the hairdresser¡± and the next she was walking back in the door with the most luscious, glossy extensions I¡¯ve ever seen. They stream down to her waist in a blond river, and what with that and the tanned legs she looks like a movie star herself. ¡°You look fantastic,¡± I say honestly, as we stand in front of my mirror. She¡¯s in a beaded shift, the color of a glassy sea, and her necklace has a mermaid on it. I¡¯ve never seen a mermaid necklace before, but now I¡¯m desperate for one too. ¡°Well, so do you!¡± says Suze at once. ¡°Really?¡± I pluck at my dress, which is Zac Posen and very flattering around the waist, though I say so myself. I¡¯ve styled it with my Alexis Bittar necklace, and my hair is in a really complicated updo, all little plaits and waves. Plus, I¡¯ve been practicing how to stand on the red carpet. I found a guide on the Internet and printed it out for both of us. Legs crossed, elbow out, chin tucked in. I take up my pose, and Suze copies me. ¡°I look like I¡¯ve got a double chin,¡± she says fretfully. ¡°Are you sure this is right?¡± ¡°Maybe we¡¯re tucking our chins in too much.¡± I lift my chin and immediately look like a soldier. Suze, meanwhile, is doing a perfect Posh Spice pose. She has the expression and everything. ¡°That¡¯s it!¡± I say excitedly. ¡°Only smile.¡± ¡°I can¡¯t stand like this and smile,¡± says Suze, sounding strained. ¡°I think you have to be double-jointed to get it right. Tarkie!¡± she calls as he passes the open door. ¡°Come and practice being photographed!¡± Tarquin has looked shell-shocked ever since Suze appeared with extensions. Now he looks like a condemned man. Suze has forced him into a tailored Prada dinner jacket, complete with narrow black tie and dapper shoes. I mean, he looks very good, for Tarkie. He¡¯s tall and strapping, and his hair has been artfully mussed by Suze. He just looks so ¡­ different. ¡°You should wear Prada all the time, Tarkie!¡± I say, and he blanches. ¡°Stand here,¡± Suze is saying. ¡°Now, when you have your picture taken, you need to tilt your face at an angle. And look kind of moody.¡± ¡°Darling, I don¡¯t think I¡¯ll be in the photos,¡± says Tarkie, backing away. ¡°If it¡¯s all right.¡± ¡°You have to be! They photograph everyone.¡± She glances uncertainly at me. ¡°They do photograph everyone, don¡¯t they?¡± ¡°Of course they do,¡± I say confidently. ¡°We¡¯re guests, aren¡¯t we? So we¡¯ll be photographed.¡± Page 59 I feel a fizz of excitement. I can¡¯t wait! I¡¯ve always wanted to be photographed on a red carpet in Hollywood. My phone bleeps with a text and I pull it out of my clutch bag. ¡°The car¡¯s here! Let¡¯s go!¡± ¡°What about Luke?¡± says Tarquin, who is obviously desperate for some moral support. ¡°We¡¯re meeting him there.¡± I spray a final cloud of scent over me and grin at Suze. ¡°Ready for your close-up, Lady Cleath-Stuart?¡± ¡°Don¡¯t call me that!¡± she says at once. ¡°It makes me sound ancient!¡± I head into the children¡¯s bedroom, where our babysitter, Teri, is presiding over a massive game of Twister. Minnie doesn¡¯t understand Twister, but she understands rolling around on the mat, getting in everyone¡¯s way, so that¡¯s what she¡¯s doing. ¡°Night night!¡± I plant a kiss on her little cheek. ¡°See you later!¡± ¡°Mummy.¡± Wilfrid stares at Suze in awe. ¡°You look like a fish.¡± ¡°Thank you, darling!¡± Suze hugs him. ¡°That¡¯s exactly what I wanted to look like.¡± Tarquin has edged over and is fiddling with Wilfrid¡¯s toy train. ¡°Maybe I¡¯ll stay here and help look after the children,¡± he says. ¡°I¡¯d be very happy to¡ª¡± ¡°No!¡± Suze and I shout in unison. ¡°You¡¯ll love it,¡± says Suze, chivying him out of the room. ¡°You might meet Angelina Jolie,¡± I chime in. ¡°Or Ren¨¦e Zellweger.¡± ¡°Or Nick Park,¡± I say craftily. ¡°You know? The Wallace and Gromit man?¡± ¡°Ah!¡± says Tarkie, perking up. ¡°The Wrong Trousers. Now, that was a jolly good film.¡± The Beverly Hilton is where they hold the Golden Globes. We¡¯re going to the same place they hold the Golden Globes! As our car edges along in early-evening traffic, I can barely keep still. ¡°Hey, Suze!¡± I say suddenly. ¡°D¡¯you think it¡¯ll be the exact same red carpet as at the Golden Globes?¡± ¡°Maybe!¡± I can tell Suze is as gripped by this idea as I am. She starts rearranging her hair extensions on her shoulders, and I check my lipstick for the millionth time. I¡¯m not going to waste this opportunity. There are going to be some A-list celebrities at this party, and if I keep my wits about me, I can do some major networking. I¡¯ve got my cards in my bag, printed with Rebecca Brandon, Stylist, and I¡¯m planning to work every single conversation I can round to fashion. I just need one influential person to hire me, and then word will spread, and my reputation will grow, and ¡­ well, the sky¡¯s the limit. It¡¯s just finding that one influential person, which is the tricky bit. The car pulls up outside the hotel and I give a little squeak of excitement. There aren¡¯t crowds, like at the Golden Globes, but there are barricades, and banks of photographers, and a red carpet! An actual red carpet! There are big screens with EQUAL printed all over, which is the name of the charity. (It stands for something, but I have no idea what. I don¡¯t think anyone does.) In front of them, an elegant blond woman in a nude dress is posing for the cameras, along with a bearded man in black tie. ¡°Who¡¯s that?¡± I say, nudging Suze. ¡°Is that Glenn Close?¡± ¡°No, it¡¯s the one out of ¡­ you know. That show.¡± Suze wrinkles her nose. ¡°Oh God, what¡¯s her name ¡­¡± ¡°Look!¡± I point ahead at a young guy with spiky hair and a dinner jacket, getting out of his limo. Photographers are clustered round the car, clicking away and calling out, but he¡¯s ignoring them, in a totally cool way. ¡°Are you ladies ready?¡± The limo driver turns to face us. ¡°Right. Yes.¡± I take a deep breath, calming my nerves. Suze and I practiced all afternoon in her hire car, getting out and taking pictures of each other, and we¡¯ve totally nailed it. We won¡¯t be flashing our underwear, nor tripping over our heels. Nor will we wave at the camera, which Suze always wants to do. ¡°Ready?¡± Suze is grinning tremulously. ¡°Ready!¡± The limo driver has opened the door on my side. I give my hair a last-minute pat, then take my most elegant step out, waiting for the flash of bulbs, the shouts, the clamor.¡­ Oh. What? Where did all the cameras go? They were here a minute ago. I turn round, discomfited, and see them all clustered around another limo, behind us. Some red-haired girl in blue is getting out of it and smiling prettily around. I don¡¯t even recognize her. Is she a real celebrity? Suze emerges from the limo beside me and looks around, bewildered. ¡°Where are the photographers?¡± Page 60 ¡°There.¡± I point. ¡°With her.¡± ¡°Oh.¡± She looks as disconsolate as me. ¡°What about us?¡± ¡°I suppose we¡¯re not celebrities,¡± I say reluctantly. ¡°Well, never mind.¡± Suze brightens. ¡°We¡¯ve still got the red carpet. Come on!¡± Tarquin has got out of the limo, too, and she grabs him by the arm. ¡°Red-carpet time!¡± As we get close to the hotel, there are loads of people milling about in black tie, but we manage to push our way through to the entrance to the red carpet. I¡¯m fizzing with anticipation. This is it! ¡°Hi!¡± I beam at the security guard. ¡°We¡¯re guests.¡± I proffer our invitations, and he scans them dispassionately. ¡°This way, ma¡¯am.¡± He points away from the celebs to some kind of side route, which a crowd of people in evening dress are filing down. ¡°No, we¡¯re going to the benefit,¡± I explain. ¡°That¡¯s the way to the benefit.¡± He nods and opens a rope barrier. ¡°Have a good evening.¡± He doesn¡¯t get it. Maybe he¡¯s a bit slow. ¡°We need to go this way.¡± I gesture clearly to the bank of photographers. ¡°On the red carpet,¡± puts in Suze. She points at our invitation. ¡°It says Red Carpet Entrance.¡± ¡°This is the red carpet, ma¡¯am.¡± He points at the side route again, and Suze and I exchange looks of dismay. OK, I suppose strictly speaking there is a carpet. And it is a kind of dull red. But don¡¯t tell me that¡¯s where we¡¯re supposed to go. ¡°It¡¯s not red,¡± objects Suze. ¡°It¡¯s maroon.¡± ¡°And there aren¡¯t any photographers or anything. We want to walk on that red carpet.¡± I point behind him. ¡°Only Gold List guests will be walking that red carpet, ma¡¯am.¡± Gold List guests? Why aren¡¯t we Gold List guests? ¡°Come on,¡± says Tarkie, clearly bored. ¡°Shall we go in, have a titchy?¡± ¡°But the red carpet¡¯s the whole point! Hey, look, there¡¯s Sage Seymour!¡± Sage is talking earnestly to a TV camera. ¡°She¡¯s my friend,¡± I say to the security guard. ¡°She wants to say hello.¡± ¡°There¡¯ll be a chance to greet her inside the benefit,¡± says the security guard implacably. ¡°Could you move along, ma¡¯am? People are waiting behind you.¡± We don¡¯t have any choice. Morosely, we all move through the barrier and start down the Non-Gold List, totally inferior sub-red carpet. I don¡¯t believe it. I thought we¡¯d be on the red carpet with Sage and all the famous people. Not filing along like cattle down some dimly lit maroon carpet that has stains on it. ¡°Hey, Suze,¡± I whisper suddenly. ¡°Let¡¯s go round again. See if we can get on the proper red carpet.¡± ¡°Definitely,¡± says Suze. ¡°Hey, Tarkie,¡± she says more loudly. ¡°I need to adjust my bra. I¡¯ll see you in there, OK? Get us a titchy.¡± She hands him his invitation, then we swing round and begin to hurry back up the non-red carpet. There are so many people piling down by now, in evening dress and jewels and clouds of scent, it feels as if we¡¯re fish swimming against a very sparkly, glamorous tide. ¡°Sorry,¡± I keep saying. ¡°Just forgot something ¡­ Excuse me ¡­¡± At last we reach the top of the carpet and pause for a breather. The security guard is still standing at his post, directing people down the maroon carpet. He hasn¡¯t spotted us yet, but that¡¯s because we¡¯re hidden behind a screen. ¡°What now?¡± says Suze. ¡°We cause a diversion.¡± I think for a moment, then squeal, ¡°Oh my God! My Harry Winston earring! Please, everyone! I lost my Harry Winston earring!¡± Every woman in the vicinity stops dead in shock. I can see blood draining from faces. You don¡¯t joke about Harry Winston in L.A. ¡°Oh my God.¡± ¡°Harry Winston?¡± ¡°How many carats?¡± ¡°Please!¡± I say, almost tearfully. ¡°Help me look!¡± About ten women bend down and start patting the carpet. ¡°What does it look like?¡± ¡°Frank, help! She lost her earring!¡± ¡°I lost my Harry Winston ring once, we had to empty the whole pool.¡­¡± It¡¯s complete mayhem. There are women on their hands and knees, and people trying to get onto the maroon carpet, and men trying to chivy their wives along, and the security guard keeps calling, ¡°Move along, folks! Please move along!¡± At last he drops his rope barrier and comes striding onto the carpet. ¡°Folks, we need to keep moving along.¡± Page 61 ¡°Ow! You trod on my hand!¡± cries out a woman. ¡°Don¡¯t step on the earring!¡± exclaims another. ¡°Did someone find the earring?¡± ¡°What earring?¡± He¡¯s at the end of his tether. ¡°What the hell is going on?¡± ¡°Now,¡± I whisper in Suze¡¯s ear. ¡°Run!¡± Before I can think twice, we¡¯re both careering up the maroon carpet, past the unattended velvet-rope checkpoint, and onto the red carpet¡ªI can¡¯t help laughing out loud with glee. We¡¯re there! On the actual, proper red carpet! Suze is pretty exhilarated too. ¡°We did it!¡± she says. ¡°Now, that¡¯s what I call red.¡± I look around, getting my bearings, whilst trying to stand properly and smile. The carpet¡¯s definitely red. It also feels quite big and empty, which is maybe because all the photographers have turned away. As Suze and I move slowly along, we¡¯re doing our best Hollywood poses, elbows out and everything. But not one cameraman is taking a picture. Some of them are still clustered round the young guy with spiky hair, and the others are chatting or on the phone. I mean, I know we¡¯re not exactly famous, but still. I feel quite aggrieved on behalf of Suze, who looks absolutely gorgeous. ¡°Suze, do that bendy-back pose where you peek over your shoulder,¡± I say, and then hurry over to a photographer with dark hair and a denim jacket who¡¯s leaning on the barrier, yawning. Yawning! ¡°Hey, take her photo,¡± I say, pointing at Suze. ¡°She¡¯s gorgeous!¡± ¡°Who is she?¡± he retorts. ¡°Don¡¯t you recognize her?¡± I try to sound incredulous. ¡°You¡¯re going to lose your job! She¡¯s the latest thing.¡± The photographer seems unimpressed. ¡°Who is she?¡± he repeats. ¡°Suze Cleath-Stuart. She¡¯s British. Really, really hot.¡± ¡°Who?¡± He leafs through a printed crib sheet with faces and names of celebrities. ¡°Nope. Don¡¯t think so.¡± He puts the crib sheet away, then takes out his phone and starts sending a text. ¡°Oh, take her photo,¡± I beg, all pretense gone. ¡°Go on! Just for fun.¡± The photographer looks at me as though for the first time. ¡°How did you get on the red carpet?¡± ¡°We sneaked on,¡± I admit. ¡°We¡¯re visitors to L.A. And if I was a Hollywood photographer, I¡¯d take pictures of normal people as well as celebrities.¡± A tiny, reluctant smile tweaks at the photographer¡¯s mouth. ¡°Oh, you would?¡± ¡°Yes!¡± He sighs and rolls his eyes. ¡°Go on, then.¡± He lifts his camera and focuses it on Suze. Yessss! ¡°Me too!¡± I squeak, and skitter over the red carpet to join her. OK, quick. Elbow out. Legs crossed. It¡¯s actually happening! We¡¯re actually having our photo taken, in Hollywood, on the red carpet! I smile at the lens, trying to look natural, waiting for the flash ¡­ ¡°Meryl! Meryl! MERYL!¡± In a blink, the lens vanishes from sight. Like stampeding wildebeest, every single photographer, including our guy in the denim jacket, has charged to the far side of the red carpet. I don¡¯t think he took a single shot of us, and now he¡¯s in the thick of the paparazzi, yelling and screaming. ¡°OVER HERE, MERYL! MERYL! HERE!¡± The flashes are like strobe lighting. The clamor is extraordinary. And all because Meryl Streep has arrived. Well, OK. Fair enough. No one can compete with Meryl Streep. We both watch in awe and fascination as she makes her way graciously along the red carpet, surrounded by several flunkies. ¡°Meryl!¡± calls Suze boldly as she comes near. ¡°Love your work!¡± ¡°Me too!¡± I chime in. Meryl Streep turns her head and gives us a slightly bewildered smile. Yes! We networked with Meryl Streep on the red carpet! Wait till I tell Mum. As we enter the ballroom where the benefit is happening, I¡¯m still on a high. Never mind if no one took our picture, this is exactly what I imagined Hollywood would be like. Lots of people in amazing dresses, and Meryl Streep, and a band playing smooth jazz, and delicious citrusy cocktails. The whole place is decorated in pale gray and pink, and there¡¯s a stage on which some dancers are already performing and a dance floor and loads of circular tables. And I can see a goody bag on each chair! My head is swiveling around as I try to catch sight of all the celebs, and Suze¡¯s is doing the same. I notice Luke by the bar, and Suze, Tarkie, and I hurry over. He¡¯s standing with Aran and a couple I don¡¯t recognize. He introduces them as Ken and Davina Kerrow, and I remember him telling me about them last week. They¡¯re both producers, and they¡¯re making a film about the Crimean War. Luke and Aran are jockeying to get Sage considered for the part of Florence Nightingale. Apparently, Sage needs a ¡°change of direction¡± and ¡°rebranding,¡± and being Florence Nightingale will achieve that. Page 62 Personally, I don¡¯t think she¡¯s at all suited to being Florence Nightingale, but I¡¯m not going to say that to Luke. ¡°Sage is very interested in the role,¡± he¡¯s saying now to Ken, who is bearded and intense and frowns a lot. ¡°I would say she¡¯s passionate about it.¡± Davina is also fairly intense. She¡¯s dressed in a black tuxedo suit and keeps checking her BlackBerry and saying ¡°Uh-huh?¡± when Luke is in the middle of a sentence. ¡°Sage feels this is a story that must be told,¡± Luke presses on. ¡°She really felt the role spoke to her.¡­ Ah, here she is! Just talking about you, Sage.¡± Ooh! There¡¯s Sage, approaching in a swishy red dress that sets off her treacly hair perfectly. I feel a small thrill of excitement at the idea of introducing her to Suze and Tarkie. ¡°I¡¯d hope you are talking about me,¡± says Sage to Luke. ¡°Why else do I pay you?¡± She gives a roar of laughter and Luke smiles politely. ¡°Just talking about Florence,¡± he says. ¡°I was saying how passionate you are about the role.¡± ¡°Oh, totally.¡± Sage nods. ¡°Did you see my new tattoo?¡± She holds out her wrist, waving her fingers playfully, and Luke flinches. ¡°Sage, sweetie,¡± says Aran evenly. ¡°I thought we said no more tattoos.¡± ¡°I had to have it,¡± says Sage, looking hurt. ¡°It¡¯s a swallow. It means peace.¡± ¡°That would be a dove,¡± says Aran, and I see him exchange a look with Luke. ¡°Hi, Sage,¡± I say casually. ¡°You look lovely.¡± ¡°You¡¯re so kind.¡± Sage sweeps a dazzling smile over Suze, Tarkie, and me. ¡°Welcome to the benefit. Would you like a photo? Aran, these people would like a photo, could you ¡­?¡± I stare at her, confused. She thinks I¡¯m some random fan. ¡°It¡¯s me, Becky,¡± I say, turning red with embarrassment. ¡°Luke¡¯s wife? We met at the house?¡± ¡°Oh, Becky!¡± She bursts into laughter again and presses a hand on my arm. ¡°Of course. My bad.¡± ¡°Sage, I¡¯d like you to meet my friends Suze and Tarquin Cleath-Stuart. Suze and Tarkie, may I present Sage ¡­¡± I trail off mid-introduction. Sage has turned away from us and is enthusiastically greeting some guy in a midnight-blue tuxedo. There¡¯s a moment of awkward silence. I can¡¯t believe Sage has been so rude. ¡°Sorry,¡± I mumble at last. ¡°Bex, it¡¯s not your fault!¡± says Suze. ¡°She¡¯s quite ¡­ um ¡­¡± She stops, and I can tell she¡¯s trying to be diplomatic. ¡°I know.¡± Sage looks hyper to me. Is she high? Now she¡¯s talking loudly about Ben Galligan, who is her ex-boyfriend from about three years ago. He cheated on her while he was making Hour of Terror 5, and he dumped Sage at the premiere, and now his new girlfriend is pregnant. And Sage has never got over it. It was all in People magazine, and Luke says most of it is true. But then, annoyingly, when I asked him to tell me exactly which bits were true and which bits weren¡¯t, he said I should stop reading that trash and remember that celebrities are human beings. ¡°Is the rat here?¡± Sage is looking wildly around. ¡°Because I swear, I will tear his eyes out.¡± ¡°Sage, we talked about this!¡± says Aran in a low voice. ¡°Tonight you¡¯re an ambassador for world equality and justice, OK? You can be a pissed-off ex-girlfriend on your own time.¡± Sage doesn¡¯t seem to be listening. Her eyes are darting wildly about. ¡°Suppose I dump a bottle of wine over him? Think of the exposure. It¡¯ll go viral.¡± ¡°That¡¯s not the kind of viral we want. Sage, we have a strategy, remember?¡± ¡°I really couldn¡¯t tell you who else is in the running,¡± I can hear Davina Kerrow saying to Luke. ¡°Although you can probably guess.¡­¡± ¡°It¡¯s Lois,¡± says Sage, who has overheard this, too, and is scowling. ¡°She¡¯s up for Florence, I know she is. Can you see Lois as a nurse? A nurse? This is the girl who said, ¡®You don¡¯t get any acting awards for shaving off your hair,¡¯ remember?¡± ¡°Not this again.¡± Aran closes his eyes. ¡°She could play a psycho-freak nurse. That would work. Or maybe a kleptomaniac nurse, right, Becky?¡± she says, flashing me a wild grin. I feel a thud of alarm at the word ¡°kleptomaniac.¡± Sage is talking really loudly, and the place is crowded. Anyone could overhear. ¡°Um, Sage.¡± I move close to her and drop my voice right down. ¡°I told you that about Lois in confidence.¡± Page 63 ¡°Sure, sure,¡± says Sage. ¡°I¡¯m only having some fun, right? Right?¡± She flashes me her smile again. God, Sage is exhausting. She flips this way and that like an eel. I don¡¯t know how Luke does business with her. I turn to make sure that Suze and Tarkie are OK and see that Tarkie is in conversation with Ken Kerrow. OK, this could be interesting. ¡°We¡¯re calling the movie Florence in Love,¡± Ken Kerrow is saying animatedly. ¡°Like Shakespeare in Love, only more authentic. We¡¯re recasting Florence as an American, but we¡¯re keeping the essence of Florence. Her conflict. Her growth. Her sexual awakening. We think she would have dressed as a boy to get onto the war field. We think she would have been in a passionate love triangle. Think The Age of Innocence meets Saving Private Ryan meets Yentl.¡± ¡°Right.¡± Tarkie looks none the wiser. ¡°Well, I¡¯m afraid I haven¡¯t seen any of those films, but I¡¯m sure they¡¯re jolly good.¡± Ken Kerrow looks profoundly shocked. ¡°You haven¡¯t seen Yentl?¡± ¡°Ahm ¡­¡± Tarkie looks trapped. ¡°Sorry ¡­ did you say ¡®Lentil¡¯?¡± ¡°Yentl!¡± Ken Kerrow almost shouts. ¡°Streisand!¡± Poor Tarkie. He clearly doesn¡¯t understand a word Ken is saying. ¡°I watch a lot of wildlife documentaries,¡± he says desperately. ¡°David Attenborough. Marvelous man.¡± Ken Kerrow just shakes his head pityingly, but before he can say anything else, Suze swoops in. ¡°Darling, let¡¯s go and watch the dancers.¡± She gives Ken Kerrow a charming smile. ¡°I¡¯m so sorry to drag my husband away. Bex, shall we go and watch the dancers?¡± As we¡¯re heading toward the stage, I¡¯m distracted by a sign on one of the tables: SILENT AUCTION PRIZES. ¡°I¡¯m just going to have a quick look,¡± I say to Suze. ¡°I¡¯ll catch up with you in a sec.¡± There¡¯s an amazing necklace on a stand, which is up for auction, and as I draw near I feel the tugging of lust. God, it¡¯s beautiful, all pale-pink crystals and a hammered-silver heart; I wonder how much ¡­ Oh my God. I¡¯ve suddenly seen the printed label below it. Reserve price $10,000. I hastily back away, in case anyone thinks I¡¯m bidding for it. Ten thousand dollars? Seriously? I mean, it¡¯s a nice necklace and everything, but ¡­ ten thousand dollars? Just for some pink crystals? I don¡¯t even dare go near the pair of watches at the end of the table. Or that gift certificate for a Malibu villa. Maybe I¡¯ll go and watch the dancers with Suze instead. I¡¯m about to turn away when I see a doddery old man making his way slowly along the prizes. He looks quite frail and is keeping his balance by clutching at the table. Not a single person has noticed, which makes me feel quite incensed. I mean, what¡¯s the point of coming to a benefit to help people and then ignoring a poor old man who needs help right in front of your eyes? ¡°Are you all right, sir?¡± I hurry forward, but he bats me away. ¡°Fine, fine!¡± He¡¯s very tanned, with perfect teeth and what looks suspiciously like a white toupee, but his hands are gnarled and his eyes are a bit rheumy. Honestly, someone should be looking after him. ¡°It¡¯s a lovely event,¡± I say politely. ¡°Oh yes.¡± He nods. ¡°Wonderful cause. Discrimination is the blight of our lives. I¡¯m gay, and, let me tell you, the world is not an open place. Not yet.¡± ¡°No,¡± I agree. ¡°Don¡¯t tell me you haven¡¯t encountered discrimination yourself. As a woman. And in other ways. Because, in my opinion, no human on this earth is free from discrimination in some way or other.¡± He¡¯s so full of fervor, I don¡¯t like to contradict him. ¡°Definitely.¡± I nod. ¡°I¡¯ve been discriminated against in lots of ways. Heaps. All the time.¡± ¡°Tell me some examples of this shocking behavior.¡± His rheumy eyes fix eagerly on me. My mind is blank. Come on, quick. Discrimination. ¡°Well, obviously as a woman ¡­ and ¡­¡± I cast my mind around. ¡°I once had to take out my earrings to work in a caf¨¦, so that was discriminating against jewelry ¡­ and ¡­ er ¡­ hobbies can be discriminated against and ¡­ pets ¡­¡± I have no idea what I¡¯m saying. ¡°It¡¯s terrible,¡± I end lamely. ¡°We need to fight it.¡± ¡°And we will.¡± He clutches my hand. ¡°Together.¡± ¡°I¡¯m Rebecca, by the way,¡± I add. ¡°Rebecca Brandon.¡± ¡°And I¡¯m Dix.¡± He flashes me a white smile. ¡°Dix Donahue.¡± Page 64 Hang on. Dix Donahue. That sounds familiar. I glance at a nearby poster and, sure enough, it¡¯s printed in big gray letters: HOST: DIX DONAHUE. This is the host? He looks about a hundred. ¡°Dix!¡± A plump man with a neat black mustache bears down on us and pumps his hand. ¡°Victor Jamison from EQUAL. I¡¯m a big fan. All set for your introductory speech?¡± ¡°Gathering inspiration all the time.¡± Dix flashes his smile at me, and I beam back. He must be famous in some sort of way. I wonder how? Luke will know. The two men head off, and I drain my glass. I really must find Luke and Suze, but the trouble is, everyone¡¯s started clustering around the stage area and it¡¯s hard to see. The dancers have stopped their routine and the band has fallen silent and there¡¯s an expectant air. Then the band strikes up again, with some tune that everyone recognizes, going by their nods and smiles at one another. Dix Donahue mounts the steps with a hop and a jump¡ªand it¡¯s obvious he¡¯s an entertainer. He seems to sparkle under the lights, even if he is a zillion years old. As he starts to tell jokes, I edge my way round the corner of the throng and suddenly see Luke. I¡¯m about to join him when the room goes dark and a spotlight moves around the crowd, and Dix Donahue takes on a grave manner. ¡°But seriously, folks,¡± he says. ¡°We¡¯re here for a very fine cause tonight. Discrimination is an evil and it takes place in all shapes and forms, often in the place you¡¯d expect the least. Later we¡¯ll be hearing from Pia Stafford, who battled workplace discrimination regarding her disability after a car accident.¡± The spotlight falls on a woman in black, who lifts a hand and nods soberly. ¡°But, you know, I was talking to a young lady just now, who had maybe the most unusual tale of discrimination I¡¯ve heard.¡­¡± Dix Donahue shades his eyes and squints into the audience. ¡°Rebecca, where are you? Ah, there!¡± Does he mean me? I stare up at him in horror. A moment later the spotlight is glaring into my face. ¡°Rebecca was discriminated against because, of all things¡±¡ªhe shakes his head somberly¡ª¡°her pet.¡± My eyes nearly pop out of my head. He can¡¯t have taken me seriously. I only said ¡°pets¡± because I ran out of other things to say. They should never have hired a hundred-year-old host. He¡¯s batty. ¡°Rebecca, let¡¯s hear your story,¡± says Dix Donahue in a soft, coaxing voice. ¡°What was your pet?¡± I stare at him, transfixed. ¡°A ¡­ a hamster,¡± I hear myself saying. ¡°A hamster, ladies and gentlemen.¡± Dix Donahue starts clapping, and a halfhearted round of applause breaks out. I can see people whispering to one another, looking puzzled, as well they might. ¡°And what form did the discrimination take?¡± ¡°Um ¡­ well ¡­ people wouldn¡¯t accept it,¡± I say cautiously. ¡°I was ostracized by my community. Friends turned against me, and my career suffered. My health too. I think it¡¯s up to the government and society to change attitudes. Because all humans are the same.¡± I¡¯m rather warming to my speech now. ¡°All of us, whatever religion we practice or color skin we have, or, you know, whether we have a hamster or not ¡­ we¡¯re the same!¡± I make a sweeping gesture and catch Luke¡¯s eye. He¡¯s staring at me from a few yards away, his mouth open. ¡°That¡¯s it,¡± I finish hastily. ¡°Wonderful!¡± Dix Donahue leads another round of applause, and this time it feels really genuine. A lady even pats me on the back. ¡°One more question before we move on.¡± Dix Donahue twinkles at me. ¡°What was your hamster¡¯s name, Rebecca?¡± ¡°Er ¡­¡± Shit. My mind has gone totally blank. ¡°It was ¡­ er ¡­ called ¡­¡± ¡°Ermintrude,¡± comes Luke¡¯s deep voice. ¡°She was like family.¡± Oh, ha-ha. Very funny. ¡°Yes, Ermintrude.¡± I muster a smile. ¡°Ermintrude the hamster.¡± The spotlight finally moves off me, and Dix Donahue comes to the end of his speech, and I look up to see Luke giving me a little wink as he approaches through the crowd. ¡°I¡¯ll get you a new hamster this Christmas, darling,¡± he says over the sound of applause. ¡°We¡¯ll fight the discrimination together. If you can be brave enough, so can I.¡± ¡°Shhh!¡± I can¡¯t help giggling. ¡°Come on, it¡¯s time to eat.¡± That¡¯s the last time I make conversation with some random old man just to be kind. As we move back to our table, I¡¯m totally mortified, especially as people keep stopping me to congratulate me and ask about the hamster and tell me about how their kids have a rabbit and they wouldn¡¯t stand for discrimination¡ªit¡¯s shocking in this day and age. Page 65 But at last we¡¯re able to sit down, and, on the plus side, the food is delicious. I¡¯m so engrossed in my fillet of beef that I don¡¯t pay much attention to the conversation, which doesn¡¯t matter, because it only consists of both Kerrows droning on to the entire table about this Florence Nightingale film they want to make. They talk like some sort of song duet, overlapping every phrase, and no one else can get a word in. This is another lesson I¡¯m learning in Hollywood. You¡¯d think hearing about a film would be exciting¡ªbut it¡¯s deathly. I can tell Suze is just as fed up as I am, because her eyes are glassy, and also she keeps mouthing ¡°booooriiiing¡± at me. ¡°¡­ locations are the challenge ¡­¡± ¡°¡­ wonderful director ¡­¡± ¡°¡­ problems with the third act ¡­¡± ¡°¡­ he really gets Florence¡¯s arc ¡­¡± ¡°¡­ talked to the studio about budget ¡­¡± ¡°¡­ finances lined up. We¡¯re waiting on the last investor, but it depends on some British guy with a crazy name. John John Saint John. Kind of a name is that?¡± Kerrow spears a mange-tout and eats it ferociously. ¡°D¡¯you mean John St. John John?¡± says Suze, suddenly tuning in to the conversation. ¡°How on earth do you know him? That¡¯s Pucky,¡± she adds to me. ¡°Have you met Pucky?¡± God knows if I¡¯ve met Pucky. All Suze¡¯s childhood friends are called things like Pucky and Binky and Minky. They basically blend into one braying, cheery, human Labrador. ¡°Er ¡­ maybe.¡± ¡°You¡¯ve met Pucky.¡± She turns to Luke. ¡°I know you met him.¡± ¡°Tarquin¡¯s investment manager,¡± says Luke thoughtfully. ¡°Yes, I did. Runs the media arm of your business interests?¡± ¡°Something like that,¡± says Suze vaguely, then beams at Tarkie, who¡¯s returning from the restroom. ¡°Darling, they know Pucky.¡± ¡°Good Lord.¡± Tarkie¡¯s face brightens. ¡°Extraordinary coincidence.¡± ¡°Pucky?¡± Ken Kerrow looks perplexed. ¡°Called him that ever since prep school,¡± Tarkie explains. ¡°Marvelous chap. He¡¯s worked with me, what, ten years now?¡± ¡°Worked with you?¡± Ken Kerrow¡¯s eyes focus on Tarquin anew. ¡°You¡¯re in film?¡± ¡°Film?¡± Tarkie looks horrified at the idea. ¡°Good Lord, no. I¡¯m a farmer. You were saying something earlier about an ¡®ark¡¯? Do you mean Noah¡¯s Ark?¡± ¡°Tarquin, can I ask you a question?¡± says Luke. His mouth is twitching and he looks highly amused at something. ¡°I know you have a few media interests among your investments. Has Pucky ever backed any films for you?¡± ¡°Oh!¡± Tarquin¡¯s expression clears. ¡°Ahm. Well. As a matter of fact, yes, he has. Perhaps that¡¯s the connection.¡± ¡°Films?¡± Suze stares at him. ¡°You never told me!¡± ¡°This is your investor,¡± says Luke to Ken Kerrow, and jerks a thumb at Tarquin. ¡°Lord Cleath-Stuart.¡± ¡°Please,¡± says Tarkie, flushing red. ¡°Tarquin.¡± Ken Kerrow looks as though he¡¯s choked on his fillet steak. ¡°That¡¯s you?¡± ¡°Lord?¡± Sage looks up from her phone for the first time. ¡°Lord Cleath-Stuart.¡± Ken Kerrow is gesticulating at his wife. ¡°This is the Brit backer. You backed Fiddler¡¯s Game,¡± he adds to Tarquin, in sudden realization. ¡°Didn¡¯t you?¡± ¡°Ahm ¡­ yes.¡± Tarquin looks a little hunted. ¡°That sounds right.¡± ¡°It made thirty million dollars its opening weekend. You picked a winner.¡± ¡°Well, it was Pucky,¡± says Tarkie modestly. ¡°I mean, I wouldn¡¯t know one film from another.¡± ¡°Excuse me,¡± says Ken Kerrow. ¡°I¡¯m going to find my co-producer. I¡¯d love for you to meet him.¡± He leaps up and practically sprints to a nearby table, where I can see him whispering frantically to another guy in a tux. ¡°Tarkie!¡± exclaims Suze, and bangs the table. ¡°Since when do we invest in films? You should have told me!¡± ¡°But, darling,¡± says Tarkie anxiously, ¡°you said you weren¡¯t interested in our investments.¡± ¡°I meant boring things like stocks and shares! Not films¡ª¡± Suze breaks off and fixes Tarkie with an accusing gaze. ¡°Tell me the truth. Have we been invited to premieres?¡± ¡°Ahm ¡­¡± Tarkie¡¯s eyes slide around nervously. ¡°You¡¯d have to ask Pucky. I probably told him we weren¡¯t interested.¡± Page 66 ¡°Weren¡¯t interested?¡± Suze¡¯s voice rises to a screech. ¡°Your lordship!¡± Ken Kerrow is back at the table. ¡°It is my honor to present my co-producer, Alvie Hill.¡± A broad man pumps Tarkie¡¯s hand with a meaty handshake. ¡°Your lordship. What a pleasure to welcome you to Los Angeles. If there is anything we can do to make your stay more pleasant ¡­¡± He continues talking for about five minutes, complimenting Tarkie, complimenting Suze, suggesting restaurants, and offering to drive them out to the canyons for a hike. ¡°Ahm, thank you.¡± Tarkie gives him an embarrassed smile. ¡°You¡¯re very kind. I¡¯m so sorry,¡± he says to the table, as Alvie finally leaves. ¡°What a fuss. Let¡¯s get back to our dinner.¡± But that¡¯s just the beginning. An hour later, it seems as if every single person in the room has dropped by our table to be introduced to Tarkie. Several have pitched movies, several have invited him to screenings, several have tried to set up meetings, and one has suggested flying the whole family to his ranch in Texas. Tarkie is totally an L.A. player. I can¡¯t quite believe it. In fact, no one can believe it. Luke has been bursting into laughter a lot¡ªespecially when some studio executive asked Tarkie what was his view of the American Pie franchise and Tarkie said, gosh, he wasn¡¯t sure¡ªwas it similar to Starbucks? Meanwhile, Tarkie himself looks rather shell-shocked again. I feel a bit sorry for him, actually. He came here to get away from everything, not to be besieged by people after his money. I can understand why he spends so much time wandering around moors on his own. At least the deer don¡¯t keep running up, saying they¡¯ve got a fabulous concept they¡¯d love to share with him over breakfast. Now some guy in a gray shiny suit is asking Tarkie if he wants to visit a film set. ¡°We¡¯re shooting this great drama; it¡¯s set on the high seas. Bring your kids¡ªthey¡¯ll love it.¡± ¡°You¡¯re very kind.¡± Tarkie is starting to sound robotic. ¡°But I¡¯m here for a holiday¡ª¡± ¡°I¡¯ll come!¡± Suze interrupts. ¡°Terrific!¡± The gray-suited guy smiles at her. ¡°We¡¯d be delighted to welcome you, give you the tour; you can watch some scenes being shot¡ª¡± ¡°Can I be an extra?¡± Suze says boldly. The gray-suited man stares at her, apparently baffled. ¡°You want to¡ª¡± ¡°Be an extra in the film. And so does my friend Bex.¡± She grabs my arm. ¡°Don¡¯t you?¡± ¡°Yes! Definitely!¡± I have always wanted to be an extra on a film! I beam delightedly at Suze and she grins back. ¡°Your ladyship.¡± The gray-suited man seems totally perplexed. ¡°You won¡¯t be comfortable being an extra. The day is long, it¡¯s tiring, the scenes are shot again and again. Why don¡¯t you watch the scene, and then you can meet the cast; we¡¯ll have lunch someplace nice.¡­¡± ¡°I want to be an extra,¡± says Suze obstinately. ¡°And so does Bex.¡± ¡°But¡ª¡± ¡°We don¡¯t want to watch it, we want to be in it.¡± ¡°We want to be in it,¡± I echo emphatically. ¡°Well.¡± The man seems to admit defeat. ¡°OK. No problem at all. My people will fix it up for you.¡± ¡°Bex, we¡¯re going to be extras!¡± Suze clutches me in excitement. ¡°We¡¯re going to be in a film!¡± ¡°We can go and watch ourselves at the cinema! Everyone will see us¡ªooh, what¡¯s the film about?¡± says Suze as an afterthought, and the man looks up from where he¡¯s writing his mobile number on a card. ¡°Pirates.¡± Pirates? I look at Suze with renewed glee. We¡¯re going to be in a film about pirates! DiscriminHate L.A. c/o 6389 Kester Ave. Van Nuys, CA 91411 Dear Mrs. Brandon, I was given your name by Andy Wyke, who was at the recent EQUAL benefit and heard your inspiring story. I am president of the charity DiscriminHate L.A., a lobby group set up to combat discrimination in all its forms. We consider that current definitions of discrimination are far too narrow. We have identified no fewer than fifty-six common grounds for discrimination, and the list grows longer every day. However, you are the first case of ¡°pet-ism¡± we have come across, and we would like to talk to you about your experience. Many of our members have spearheaded campaigns, and we hoped you could do the same. For example, you could: Write an account of your discrimination story for our website Develop an outreach program for high school students who may suffer the same type of discrimination Page 67 Lobby your local government representative for ¡°Ermintrude¡¯s Law¡± May I, at this point, offer you my sincere solidarity and sympathy. I am not familiar with the exact details of your case, but I gather it was a moving story and must have been painful for you to share. I look forward to hearing from you and welcoming you to our fight. All my best, Gerard R. Oss President, DiscriminHate L.A. Survivor and Fighter: size-ism, name-ism, odor-ism, and sexual-practice-ism Author of I¡¯m Different, You¡¯re Different, S/he¡¯s Different [LHA] LETHERBY HALL ASSOCIATION THE PARSONAGE ? LETHERBY COOMBE ? HAMPSHIRE Dear Mrs. Ermintrude Endwich, Thank you for your recent letter. It is always interesting to hear from an ¡°unbiased member of the public,¡± as you describe yourself. However, I must take issue with your various points. The LHA is not a ¡°bunch of Nazis with nothing better to do than complain about fountains.¡± We do not ¡°meet every night in some grim little cavern¡± nor ¡°plot like the witches in Macbeth.¡± Our dress sense is, I would suggest, irrelevant. I also rebut your assertion that The Surge is ¡°one of the wonders of the world.¡± It is not. Nor will we ¡°all be sorry when the brilliant Tarquin Cleath-Stuart is given a medal for it by the Queen.¡± I cannot quite imagine which medal this would be. May I have your address in the UK? I cannot find any record of you on the electoral roll. Maureen Greywell President LHA I¡¯ve done my research. I¡¯m taking this seriously. I¡¯m going to be the best extra ever. No, not ¡°extra.¡± The proper term is ¡°background actor.¡± I¡¯ve found out so much on the Internet about being an extra, I feel really well prepared. For example, you should always bring playing cards or a book in case you get bored. And you shouldn¡¯t wear green, in case they¡¯re using a green screen for CGI. And you should bring a variety of outfits. Although that doesn¡¯t apply in this case, as apparently our costumes will be provided. A limo has also been provided to take us to the film set, which is definitely not standard practice. They¡¯re being super-nice to us because of Suze being married to Tarkie. In fact, I¡¯m secretly hoping they might be so nice that they give us each a little line to say. I mean, why not? Obviously not big lines or speeches or anything. Just something small. I could say, ¡¯Tis true, Cap¡¯n, after the pirate captain makes a speech. And Suze could say, Land ahoy! or Ship ahoy! or Pirate ahoy! Anything ahoy, really. I¡¯ve been practicing a special growly piratess voice in the mirror, and I¡¯ve read an article on acting for film. It says the most common mistake, even for trained actors, is to overact, and that the camera picks up the most infinitesimal movements and magnifies them, so you need to make everything tiny. I¡¯m not sure Suze realizes this, because she¡¯s spent the whole of breakfast doing all these loud warm-up exercises and shaking her hands out to ¡°loosen herself up¡± and saying, ¡°Wibble-wobble,¡± over and over again. But I can¡¯t tell her anything about acting, because she just says, ¡°Bex, I went to drama school, remember.¡± The film is being shot at a soundstage in Burbank, and that¡¯s where we¡¯re heading right now. Luke is dropping off Minnie today, as well as Suze¡¯s children. (As soon as the Little Leaf headmistress found out who Tarkie was, she fell over herself to offer the Cleath-Stuarts temporary places, and the principal of the nearby private school immediately found room for Ernest too.) We¡¯re sitting in the limo, watching the billboards speed by and grinning madly at each other. This is the most exciting thing I have done in my life, ever. I don¡¯t know what the scene¡¯s about¡ªin fact, I don¡¯t really know what the film¡¯s about, because all it says online is, Drama set on the high seas. But I¡¯ve done a bit of practice at swinging a cutlass (I used a kitchen knife), because, you never know, it might be a fight scene. ¡°Hey, Suze, if I have to fight someone, bagsy it¡¯s you,¡± I say. ¡°Me too,¡± agrees Suze at once. ¡°Except, will the womenfolk fight? They might just look on and jeer.¡± ¡°There are female pirates,¡± I say knowledgeably. ¡°We can be one of those. Look at Elizabeth Swann.¡± ¡°I want to fight Captain Jack Sparrow,¡± says Suze longingly. ¡°He¡¯s not in it!¡± I say for the millionth time. Suze is a bit hung up on Johnny Depp, and I think she was hoping that we were going to be in a new Pirates of the Caribbean. But it¡¯s not that. It¡¯s called The Black Flag, and I don¡¯t recognize the names of any of the stars except April Tremont, who is playing Gwennie. Page 68 ¡°I know he¡¯s not. But still. Wouldn¡¯t it be amazing?¡± She sighs. ¡°There¡¯ll probably be an even hotter pirate king in this one,¡± I point out, as my phone rings. It¡¯s Dad calling, which surprises me. Normally it¡¯s Mum who rings, and then passes me over to Dad, and then instantly grabs the phone back as there¡¯s something she¡¯s forgotten to tell me about Janice¡¯s new sofa covers or the geraniums. ¡°Dad!¡± I exclaim. ¡°Guess what Suze and I are doing right now?¡± ¡°Drinking orange juice in the sunshine,¡± says Dad with a laugh. ¡°I hope you are.¡± ¡°Wrong! We¡¯re in a limo, going to the film set!¡± Mum and Dad already know we¡¯re going to be extras in a movie, because I phoned them up straightaway to tell them. And Janice and Martin. And Jess and Tom, and my old bank manager Derek Smeath ¡­ I suppose I did phone quite a few people, now that I think about it. ¡°Wonderful, darling!¡± says Dad. ¡°Make sure you hobnob with the movie stars.¡± ¡°We will!¡± ¡°I was just wondering, did you ever manage to look up my old friend Brent?¡± Oh. Damn. What with Golden Peace, and Suze arriving, it completely slipped my mind. ¡°Not yet,¡± I say guiltily. ¡°I haven¡¯t quite had time. But I will, I promise.¡± ¡°Well, that would be marvelous.¡± ¡°I¡¯ll go and see him really soon, and I¡¯ll give him all your details.¡± We¡¯ve arrived at a barricaded entrance to a large complex with buildings and courtyards, and as the driver slows down, I see a row of trailers out of the window. Real film trailers! ¡°We¡¯re here! There are trailers!¡± I say in excitement. ¡°Oh, Dad, you should see it!¡± ¡°Sounds fantastic,¡± says Dad. ¡°Well, you let me know about Brent.¡± ¡°I will,¡± I say, only half paying attention. ¡°See you, Dad.¡± The driver is giving our names to the gate man. As Suze and I stare out of the window, agog, I see a man in a pirate costume walk to one of the trailers, knock on the door, and go inside. ¡°Oh my God,¡± says Suze. ¡°I know!¡± I can¡¯t help giggling. As we¡¯re whisked into the complex, my head is swiveling this way and that, trying to take in every detail. It¡¯s all just as I imagined. There are girls with earpieces and clipboards. There¡¯s a guy carrying what looks like a marble statue under his arm. There¡¯s a woman in a crinoline, talking to a man in a leather jacket. ¡°I¡¯m nervous,¡± says Suze suddenly. ¡°What if I¡¯m crap?¡± ¡°Nervous?¡± I say in astonishment. ¡°Suze, you¡¯ll be great!¡± The car stops and I squeeze her arm encouragingly. ¡°Come on, let¡¯s go and find some coffee. You know, the main thing about being in a film is the catering.¡± I¡¯m so right about the catering. After wandering about for a few minutes, we find this great big table marked CRAFT SERVICE and covered with a fabulous array of coffee, tea, biscuits, cupcakes, and even little sushi rolls. As I¡¯m eating my third cherry-almond cookie, a guy in a headset comes up, looking a little hassled. ¡°Are you Lady Cleath-Stuart?¡± ¡°Here,¡± says Suze, her mouth full of muffin. ¡°I¡¯m Dino, the second AD. You were supposed to meet me out front.¡± ¡°Oh, sorry. We wanted some coffee.¡± Suze beams at him. ¡°This hazelnut latte is delicious!¡± ¡°Oh. Great.¡± He mutters something into a tiny walkie-talkie, then looks up again. ¡°Well, let me take you to meet Don. He¡¯s our publicist, and he¡¯ll be looking after you today.¡± Don is very dapper and has the strangest cheekbones I¡¯ve ever seen. What has gone on with those? Has he had them filled? Or has he had his cheek fat sucked out? Either way, it hasn¡¯t been a success, not that I¡¯m going to mention this or stare at his face. Much. He ushers us into a massive warehouse-like space and lowers his voice as we pick our way over wires and cables. ¡°Lady Cleath-Stuart,¡± he says with reverence, ¡°we¡¯re delighted to welcome you to the set of The Black Flag. We want today to be as enjoyable and interesting for you as possible. Please, follow me. We thought you¡¯d like to see the set before we take you to wardrobe.¡± Suze is totally a VIP! This is so great! We both hurry after him, dodging past some guys carrying a fake stone wall made out of wood. We head toward a cluster of director¡¯s chairs and a monitor and lots of people with headphones and serious expressions. ¡°That¡¯s what we call ¡®video village,¡¯ ¡± Don says in an undertone. ¡°This is where the director watches the action. Please make sure your phones are switched off. I think we¡¯re about to have a take.¡± Page 69 We edge round until we can see the set properly. It¡¯s the interior of a library, and two actors are sitting on armchairs. The lady is all dressed up in a velvet crinoline, and the man is in a tailcoat. Bending down, talking to them intently, is a skinny guy in jeans with bright red hair. ¡°That¡¯s Ant, the director,¡± murmurs Don. As we¡¯re watching, Ant leaps back to his chair, puts on his headphones, and stares intently into his monitor. ¡°Rolling!¡± yells someone from the set. ¡°Rolling!¡± several other people echo at once. ¡°Rolling! Rolling!¡± Even behind us, by the door, two girls are yelling, ¡°Rolling!¡± ¡°Rolling!¡± I join in helpfully. ¡°ROLLING!¡± This is so cool. I feel like a member of the film crew already! ¡°Action!¡± calls Ant, and, like magic, the whole place becomes totally still. Anyone who was walking has stopped dead, and all conversations have ceased, mid-sentence. ¡°Kidnapped,¡± says the lady in velvet. ¡°Kidnapped!¡± The man takes hold of her hand and she gazes at him mournfully. ¡°Cut!¡± shouts Ant, and leaps down onto the set again. ¡°This scene is set in the home of Lady Violet,¡± whispers Don. ¡°She¡¯s just learned that their daughter Katriona has been kidnapped by pirates. Would you like to go closer?¡± We tiptoe forward till we¡¯re at ¡°video village.¡± There are several director¡¯s chairs with names printed on the backs of them, and I look at them lustfully. I would die to have a chair with my name on it. My mind is suddenly seized with an image of a chair reading: BECKY BRANDON, WARDROBE DESIGNER. Just imagine if I started working in movies and I got my name on the back of a chair! I wouldn¡¯t ever want to stand up. I¡¯d walk around with my chair stapled to me. The wardrobe designer on this movie is called Ren¨¦e Slattery. I¡¯ve already Googled her and planned what I¡¯ll say if we meet. I¡¯ll compliment the costumes in Saw Her Too Soon, which is another movie she worked on, and then I¡¯ll talk about the challenges of working with period dress. (I don¡¯t know much about that, but I can busk it.) And then I¡¯ll ask casually if she needs any help, maybe with shopping for grosgrain ribbon, or button boots, or whatever. I mean, she¡¯s bound to need help, surely? And then we can start working together and bouncing ideas around, and I¡¯ll edge myself in that way. Both Suze and I are given director¡¯s chairs with VISITOR written on the back, and we perch self-consciously on them, watching as they shoot the scene twice more. I can¡¯t actually tell the difference between the takes, not that I¡¯ll admit that. Ant keeps swigging coffee and staring into the monitor and shouting instructions to some guy with a high-up camera to the left. Suddenly he swivels round and stares at Suze and me, then says, almost aggressively, to Don, ¡°Who are they? What are they doing on my set?¡± Don ducks his head down and I can hear him murmuring, ¡°Lord Cleath-Stuart ¡­ financier ¡­ special guests ¡­ studio ¡­¡± ¡°Well, keep them out of the way,¡± says Ant brusquely. Honestly! We¡¯re not in the way! I roll my eyes at Suze, but she has found a script from somewhere and is reading through it, mouthing lines to herself. Suze would really have loved to be an actress. (Or an eventer. Or an artist. Or a newsreader. She¡¯s had lots of career ideas, to be honest.) ¡°Dylan!¡± The director suddenly raises his voice. ¡°Where¡¯s Dylan?¡± ¡°Here!¡± A mousy guy in a gray T-shirt hurries forward. ¡°This is the writer,¡± Don explains to Suze and me. ¡°He stays on set in case we need extra dialogue.¡± ¡°We need another line here for Lady Violet,¡± Ant is saying. ¡°We need to convey the gravitas of what¡¯s happened but also, like, the dignity of Lady Violet. She¡¯s not going to buckle. She¡¯s going to fight.¡± He pauses. ¡°Only in, like, three or four words.¡± ¡°Right.¡± Dylan is nodding anxiously. ¡°Right.¡± As Ant strides away, Dylan starts scribbling on a yellow legal pad, and I watch him in fascination. He¡¯s creating a film, right here. We¡¯re watching film history being made! Then suddenly an idea comes to me. It¡¯s so good, I almost gasp out loud. ¡°Sorry,¡± I say, waving to get Dylan¡¯s attention. ¡°Excuse me. I don¡¯t mean to interrupt, but a line came to me, and I thought you could use it. It just popped into my head,¡± I add modestly. ¡°Well done, Bex!¡± exclaims Suze. Dylan sighs. ¡°What is it?¡± ¡° ¡®With great power comes great responsibility.¡¯ ¡± As I say it out loud, I can¡¯t help feeling proud of myself. Page 70 ¡°That¡¯s brilliant!¡± says Suze. ¡°Only you should say it with more passion. ¡®With great power comes great responsibility,¡¯ ¡± she repeats in a low, throbbing voice. ¡° ¡®With great power comes great responsibility.¡¯ ¡± ¡°Perfect!¡± I add to Dylan, ¡°She went to drama school, you know.¡± Dylan is looking at us as though we¡¯re both insane. ¡°That line is from Spider-Man,¡± he says shortly. Spider-Man? ¡°Really?¡± I wrinkle my brow. ¡°Are you sure? Because I don¡¯t remember it¡ª¡± ¡°Of course I¡¯m sure! Jeez!¡± He crosses out the line he¡¯s writing and scribbles something else. ¡°Oh,¡± I say, discomfited. ¡°Right. Sorry.¡± ¡°Well, then, what about, ¡®With great grief comes great challenge¡¯?¡± suggests Suze. ¡°Or, ¡®With great trouble comes great fortune,¡¯ ¡± I chime in eagerly. ¡°Or, ¡®With great sadness comes great light.¡¯ ¡± I¡¯m quite proud of this one, but Dylan is looking more and more rattled. ¡°Could you let me concentrate, please?¡± he snaps. ¡°Oh, OK. Sorry.¡± Suze and I subside, making faces at each other. We watch, fascinated, as he covers his page with writing, then abruptly heads over to Ant. ¡°How about this?¡± ¡°OK. We¡¯ll try it.¡± Ant walks onto the set, and I can see him showing the page to the actress in the velvet dress. ¡°Why don¡¯t you just take the line to the actors yourself?¡± I say as Dylan sits down. ¡°I don¡¯t approach the set.¡± He sounds shocked at the idea. ¡°The director approaches the set.¡± He sounds like he¡¯s saying, I don¡¯t approach the throne. Blimey, film sets are complicated places. ¡°So, I hope you enjoyed your visit,¡± he adds, clearly forcing himself to be polite. ¡°It was nice to meet you.¡± ¡°Oh, we haven¡¯t finished our visit yet,¡± I explain. ¡°We¡¯re going to be in the film!¡± adds Suze. ¡°We¡¯re extras!¡± ¡°You?¡± He looks from me to Suze and back again. I¡¯m about to say he needn¡¯t look so dubious when Ant appears, scowling at Dylan, and chucks the legal pad at him. ¡°Yolanda says this is flaccid, and I agree. Can¡¯t you do better than that?¡± Honestly. What a bully. I bet Dylan¡¯s written a brilliant line. (Although not as good as ¡°With great power comes great responsibility.¡±) ¡°I was distracted by these two,¡± says Dylan meanly, gesturing at us, and my sympathy instantly evaporates. He didn¡¯t have to blame us! We were trying to help! Ant glowers at us, then glowers even more at Dylan. ¡°Well, give me some more options. We¡¯re taking five.¡± Ant strides away, and Dylan frowns over his legal pad again, chewing his pen. The atmosphere is quite tense, and I¡¯m relieved when Don appears and beckons us away from the chairs. ¡°The actors are having a break,¡± he says. ¡°So I thought you¡¯d like to look over the set before we head to wardrobe.¡± We follow him to the set and step cautiously onto the carpet. We¡¯re standing on a real movie set! It¡¯s quite small but really well designed, with shelves of books and a table with ornaments and a fake window with a velvet curtain. ¡°Excuse me,¡± says Don as his phone buzzes, ¡°I must take this call.¡± He steps off the set, and Suze sits in Lady Violet¡¯s chair. ¡°Kidnapped,¡± she says in a mournful voice. ¡°Kidnapped!¡± ¡°Really good!¡± I say. ¡°D¡¯you think Lady Violet¡¯s dress is a bit bunchy? I think it could be more flattering. I might tell the wardrobe person.¡± ¡°Kidnapped!¡± says Suze again, and stares out to the camera, extending her hands as though she¡¯s on a massive London stage and that¡¯s the audience. ¡°Oh my God. Kidnapped! Will our nightmare never end?¡± ¡°Everything looks so realistic,¡± I say, trailing my hand over a row of fake book spines. ¡°Look at this cupboard.¡± I rattle the door, but it¡¯s stuck fast. ¡°It looks so real, but it¡¯s fake, like everything.¡± I wander over to the little table. ¡°I mean, look at these cakes. They look totally real. They even smell real. It¡¯s so clever.¡± ¡°They might be real,¡± points out Suze. ¡°Of course they¡¯re not real. Nothing on a film set is real. Look.¡± I lift one up confidently and take a bite out of it. Shit. It was real. I have a mouthful of sponge and cream. ¡°Bex!¡± Suze is staring at me in consternation. ¡°That cake is in the film! You can¡¯t eat it!¡± Page 71 ¡°I didn¡¯t mean to!¡± I say defensively. I feel slightly outraged. They shouldn¡¯t have real cakes on a movie set. It goes against the whole spirit of the thing. I look around, but no one seems to have seen me. What shall I do now? I can¡¯t put half a cake down on the table. ¡°OK, we¡¯re going again,¡± comes a booming voice. ¡°Clear the set!¡± Oh God. The actors are returning and I still have half a cake in my hands. Maybe they won¡¯t notice. I hastily sneak off the set, my hands behind my back, and find a place where I¡¯m almost hidden behind a stone pillar. The two actors are sitting back down on the chairs, and everyone is gathering for a new take. ¡°Wait a minute.¡± A girl dressed all in black comes running onto the set. She squints into the screen of a little camera, then peers at the table. ¡°What happened to the other cake?¡± Damn. The actors are looking around blankly, as though they hadn¡¯t even realized there were any cakes in the shot. ¡°Cake?¡± says the man at last. ¡°Yes, cake! There should be six!¡± She jabs at her camera screen. ¡°What happened to it?¡± ¡°Well, don¡¯t look at me!¡± says the man, sounding affronted. ¡°I never saw the cake.¡± ¡°Yes, you did!¡± ¡°I think there were five,¡± says the actress playing Lady Violet. ¡°Excuse me,¡± says the girl in black tightly. ¡°If I say there were six, then there were six, and unless you want to reshoot everything we¡¯ve done this morning, then I suggest you don¡¯t move the props around.¡± ¡°I didn¡¯t move anything around!¡± retorts Lady Violet. I have to confess. Go on, Becky. I force myself to step forward onto the edge of the set and clear my throat. ¡°Um, excuse me?¡± I say awkwardly. ¡°It¡¯s here. Sorry.¡± I proffer my hand and everyone stares at the half-eaten crumby cake. My cheeks are flaming with embarrassment, especially when a chunk falls on the floor. I quickly bend to get it, feeling worse than ever. ¡°Shall I put it back on the table?¡± I venture. ¡°We could hide the eaten side.¡­¡± The girl in black raises her eyes to mine disbelievingly. ¡°You ate a prop?¡± ¡°I didn¡¯t mean to!¡± I say hurriedly. ¡°I thought it was fake, and I was just biting it to prove it¡ª¡± ¡°I knew it wasn¡¯t fake,¡± puts in Suze. ¡°I told her. I said, no fake cake could be that good¡ª¡± ¡°Yes, it could!¡± I object. ¡°They have amazing modern technology.¡± ¡°Not that amazing¡ª¡± ¡°Anyway.¡± A thought suddenly occurs to me. ¡°Maybe it¡¯s a good thing. Because would they actually have that many cakes?¡± I appeal to Ant. ¡°Six is a lot for two people. You don¡¯t want them to look greedy, do you? You don¡¯t want the audience thinking, No wonder Lady Violet needs a corset, if she¡¯s eating all these cakes¡ª¡± ¡°Enough!¡± Ant flips out. ¡°Get these girls off my set!¡± He glares at Don. ¡°I don¡¯t care who they are, they¡¯re banned.¡± Banned? Suze and I exchange shocked looks. ¡°But we¡¯re going to be extras!¡± says Suze in dismay. ¡°I¡¯m really sorry we disturbed you,¡± I say hastily. ¡°I didn¡¯t mean to eat the cake. I won¡¯t eat anything else.¡± ¡°Ant, listen a moment,¡± Don says soothingly. He hurries over and starts murmuring in Ant¡¯s ear. I can see Ant shooting us baleful looks, but at last he puffs angrily and says, ¡°Fine. Whatever. I need to get going.¡± I¡¯m holding my breath as Don returns to us and firmly ushers us away from the set. ¡°Can we still be extras?¡± demands Suze anxiously. ¡°Of course!¡± he says, smiling tensely. ¡°No problem. Let¡¯s just get you to wardrobe and then ¡­ well. What I would recommend is that in the upcoming scene you take more of a backseat role.¡± ¡°You mean, don¡¯t talk to the director,¡± says Suze. ¡°And don¡¯t eat the props.¡± ¡°That kind of thing.¡± He nods. ¡°Hear that, Bex?¡± Suze nudges me. ¡°No scoffing the set.¡± OK, I¡¯m going to make amends. I¡¯m going to be really quiet and unobtrusive on set. Or at least as unobtrusive as I can be, bearing in mind I¡¯m in a curly red wig, blackened teeth, a hoop skirt, and a laced bodice, which makes my boobs look ¡­ well, ¡°prominent¡± would be one word. ¡°Ridiculous¡± would be another. My makeup was slapped on in about five seconds by a girl listening to an iPod, but, still, I¡¯m transformed! I look dirty, grimy, wrinkled, and kind of scary. As for Suze, she looks like an old crone. She¡¯s got a black matted wig and some kind of tooth plate, which changes the shape of her mouth, and warts all over her hands. She¡¯s walking around with a limp and, honestly, she looks just like a pirate. I¡¯m not doing a limp, but I think I might do a little palsied shake in my hands. Or a twitch. A very subtle one. Page 72 We¡¯ve been put in a side room and all the other extras are sitting around reading books and looking bored, but I¡¯m roaming about, staying alert. The only slight downside is I haven¡¯t yet managed to speak to anyone about job opportunities in wardrobe. Ren¨¦e Slattery is nowhere to be seen, and all the wardrobe staff are quite harassed. I asked a question about my petticoat length, and the girl in charge said, ¡°Doesn¡¯t matter. Next?¡± Doesn¡¯t matter? How can a petticoat not matter? Then I asked her how she got into her job, and she said, ¡°I was idiot enough to want to get up at five A.M. my whole life,¡± which is not an answer, and shooshed me along. ¡°Background actors!¡± The second AD, Dino, is standing at the door. ¡°Background actors to set, please!¡± Ooh! That¡¯s us! As we file through the soundstage and onto the set, I feel a sizzle of excitement. It¡¯s really happening! I¡¯m going to be in a film! This set is far bigger than the last one and is the inside of a ship¡¯s cabin. There are about ten extras, including Suze and me¡ªall women¡ªand according to a conversation I overheard just now, this is a key, important scene. A key, important scene! What if it becomes one of those really famous movie scenes that gets shown on the telly all the time and I¡¯m in it! What if I get discovered! I feel a ridiculous flicker of hope. I mean, I know I¡¯ve never seriously considered acting as a career, but what if I have the right face for film and I never realized it before? I¡¯m gripped by a vivid fantasy in which Ant suddenly stops the shooting and focuses the camera on me, then turns to his assistant and says simply, My God. Look at her cheekbones. I mean, OK, I know it¡¯s not that likely. But I do have quite good cheekbones, and everything¡¯s different when you look at it through a camera and¡ª ¡°Bex!¡± Suze prods me. ¡°Dino¡¯s calling you!¡± I hurry over to Dino and look expectantly at him, hoping he might say something like, I¡¯d like to audition you for the small part of Pirate Princess. ¡°OK, you. Cake-eater girl.¡± He looks up from a list. Cake-eater girl? ¡°I¡¯m called Becky,¡± I tell him. ¡°Nice.¡± He¡¯s clearly not listening. ¡°Now, I¡¯m placing you where Ant can¡¯t see you. We don¡¯t want him wound up any further. You¡¯ll be polishing Gwennie¡¯s shoes with this rag, and you stay in this position the whole scene. Keep your face down, away from the camera. Got it? Away from the camera.¡± He turns away, summoning the next girl, and I stare at him, crestfallen. Away from the camera? But no one will see me. What about my family? I want to wail. How will they know it¡¯s me? I feel totally crushed as I get into position, groveling on the floor and clutching a manky old rag. This isn¡¯t what I imagined at all. A girl who looks a bit like April Tremont has sat down on the chair and shoots me an uninterested glance. I guess she¡¯s the stand-in. ¡°People!¡± Dino is clapping his hands. ¡°A little background to the scene we¡¯ll be playing. The pirates¡¯ womenfolk are preparing for the marriage ceremony. Gwennie, played by April Tremont¡ª¡± There¡¯s a burst of applause from some of the extras, and Dino smiles in acknowledgment. ¡°Gwennie is being given to the pirate bandit, Eduardo, played by Curt Millson. However, she¡¯s in love with the rival pirate, Captain Arthur, aka captain of the Black Flag, and in this scene we¡¯ll see this fact being discovered by Eduardo.¡± ¡°Hi,¡± I say miserably to the stand-in. ¡°I have to polish your shoes.¡± ¡°Fine.¡± She lifts up her skirt and I rub her shoe dispiritedly. ¡°OK, we¡¯re going to rehearse!¡± comes Dino¡¯s voice. ¡°Action!¡± ¡°Marriage to Eduardo,¡± says the stand-in, in a monotone. ¡°Never while I¡¯m alive.¡± She takes out a scarf and fondles it. ¡°Oh, Arthur.¡± ¡°Background actors,¡± instructs Dino. ¡°I want you to look at the scarf. You¡¯re interested in it.¡± Obediently, I crick my head to look at the scarf, but Dino immediately says, ¡°Not you, cake-eater girl.¡± Great. Everyone else gets to look at the scarf while I get to grovel on the floorboards. The door swings open with a creak and I hear the tramp of heavy boots. ¡°What is that pretty thing?¡± comes a deep, masculine voice. ¡°Show me.¡± ¡°Never!¡± says the stand-in. Then there¡¯s some sort of tussle, but I can¡¯t see because I don¡¯t dare lift my head. This is so frustrating. I¡¯m longing to see what it¡¯s all about, but I can¡¯t see a bloody thing, stuck down here. I¡¯ll never get to do my twitch, let alone say, ¡¯Tis true, Cap¡¯n. It¡¯s so depressing. Page 73 ¡°Cut!¡± I sit back on my heels and wave at Suze, trying not to feel envious. It¡¯s OK for her: She¡¯s on a step, where everyone can see her. She¡¯s even been given a proper prop¡ªan old broken comb¡ªand she¡¯s combing her tangled hair with theatrical flourish. ¡°Excuse me.¡± A mellifluous voice hits my ear, and a tiny button boot appears in front of my eyes. I look up and feel a jolt of awe. It¡¯s April Tremont! Herself! She¡¯s stepping into the chair and lifting up her skirts so I can rub at her boots. ¡°I guess you¡¯re polishing these,¡± she says with a nod. ¡°Poor you.¡± ¡°Oh, it¡¯s fine!¡± I say at once. ¡°It¡¯s fun. You know. I love polishing boots. I mean, not just on film sets; I love polishing them at home, and in the garden, and ¡­ er ¡­¡± Argh. Stop babbling, Becky. ¡°I¡¯m April,¡± she says pleasantly. Like I didn¡¯t know that. Like she¡¯s not really, really famous. ¡°I¡¯m Becky.¡± ¡°You¡¯re the one who ate the cake?¡± ¡°It was a mistake,¡± I say hastily. ¡°That made me laugh.¡± She smiles, that amazing smile which I¡¯ve seen in loads of movies. Well, not loads of movies exactly. Two movies and one sitcom and an ad campaign for moisturizer. But still. ¡°April. Curt. A word with you both?¡± Ant is heading over this way, and I hurriedly bury my face in April¡¯s skirt so he won¡¯t notice me. Not that he seems to notice any of the extras anyway. ¡°I want some real violence in this scene,¡± I hear him saying above my head. ¡°Curt, when you see the insignia of your enemy on Gwennie¡¯s scarf, everything changes. You know she¡¯s in love with Arthur, and it infuriates you. Remember, this scene is the pivot; it¡¯s what drives you to attack the Fleet of Foes; it¡¯s what starts the whole chain of events. OK, guys? Passion. Intensity. Let¡¯s go for a take.¡± Despite everything, I can¡¯t help feeling a jolt of excitement. A take! We¡¯re going for a take! It¡¯s happening! An hour later, I¡¯m feeling a teeny bit less excited. We¡¯ve done the scene over and over, and every time I have to keep my head down while all the action goes on above, and I¡¯m getting achy knees from being in this position. Plus, the more we do the scene, the less I understand it. ¡°Are you OK?¡± April Tremont smiles down from where she¡¯s having her makeup touched up. ¡°Pretty tough down there.¡± ¡°Oh, it¡¯s fine!¡± I say at once. ¡°Fine! Really fab!¡± ¡°Enjoying the scene?¡± ¡°Er ¡­¡± I hesitate. I know I should say, Yes, it¡¯s brilliant! But the truth is, I just can¡¯t relate to it. ¡°I don¡¯t get it,¡± I say at last. ¡°But you¡¯re really good,¡± I add quickly. ¡°Which part don¡¯t you get?¡± says April, looking interested. ¡°Well, why are you playing with your scarf?¡± ¡°It¡¯s a memento from my lover, Arthur,¡± explains April. ¡°It has his distinctive insignia on it. See?¡± She holds the scarf out so I can see. ¡°I know that.¡± I nod. ¡°But you¡¯re on Eduardo¡¯s ship. He¡¯s really violent and he hates Arthur. So wouldn¡¯t you keep it hidden? If you really loved Arthur you¡¯d protect him, surely.¡± April Tremont stares at me silently for a few moments. ¡°That¡¯s a good point,¡± she says. ¡°Why am I playing with it?¡± ¡°Maybe you¡¯re supposed to be quite stupid?¡± I suggest. ¡°No!¡± says April sharply. ¡°I¡¯m not. Ant!¡± She raises her voice. ¡°Ant, come over here!¡± Oh God. I tuck my face down into her skirt and try to look as inconspicuous as possible. ¡°Ant, I have a problem with my motivation,¡± says April. ¡°Why does Gwennie get out the scarf?¡± I sneak a quick glance upward¡ªand Ant is staring at April as though suspecting a trick question. ¡°We went through this already,¡± he says. ¡°It¡¯s sentimental. She¡¯s thinking of her lover.¡± ¡°But why get the scarf out now, when it¡¯s so dangerous? She¡¯s on an enemy ship. Why would she be so foolhardy?¡± There¡¯s silence for a few moments, then Ant yells, ¡°Dylan! Get over here. Please explain to April the motivation of her character.¡± At once Dylan comes hurrying over, his sneakers squeaking on the floor of the soundstage. ¡°Oh OK,¡± he says, sounding a bit nervous. ¡°Well, Gwennie is thinking of her lover, Arthur. She¡¯s remembering the times they had together. So she gets out the scarf¡ª¡± Page 74 ¡°Why?¡± interrupts April. ¡°To remember him by.¡± Dylan sounds a bit flummoxed. ¡°That¡¯s her motivation.¡± ¡°But she can remember him without a scarf. Why would she risk his life for the sake of a scarf?¡± ¡°She¡¯s a woman,¡± says Dylan feebly. ¡°She¡¯s sentimental.¡± ¡°She¡¯s a woman?¡± retorts April, sounding suddenly livid. ¡°She¡¯s a woman? That¡¯s no kind of answer! Just because she¡¯s a woman, it doesn¡¯t mean she¡¯s an imbecile! I¡¯m not doing it,¡± she says firmly. ¡°I¡¯m not taking out the scarf. Gwennie isn¡¯t a moron. She wouldn¡¯t do it.¡± ¡°But you have to take out the scarf!¡± says Dylan in consternation. ¡°That¡¯s the point of the scene!¡± ¡°Well, you¡¯ll have to find a different point for the scene.¡± ¡°April, sweetie,¡± says Ant, breathing hard. ¡°You have to take out the scarf. If Eduardo doesn¡¯t see the scarf, then he won¡¯t launch the attack on the Fleet of Foes. That¡¯s the whole second act. That¡¯s the whole fucking movie.¡± ¡°Well, it doesn¡¯t make any sense,¡± says April obstinately. ¡°Becky¡¯s right.¡± ¡°Becky?¡± Ant sounds at the end of his tether. ¡°Who¡¯s Becky?¡± Reluctantly, I raise my head from April¡¯s skirts to see Ant staring at me with a thunderous disbelief. ¡°Oh, hi,¡± I say nervously, and risk a little smile. ¡°Fab directing,¡± I quickly add. ¡°Really inspired.¡± ¡°You again?¡± says Dylan incredulously. ¡°Who the fuck are you?¡± Ant expostulates. ¡°You¡¯re derailing my movie!¡± He almost looks like he might hit me. ¡°No, I¡¯m not!¡± I say in horror. ¡°I mean¡ªI didn¡¯t mean to!¡± ¡°You should be thanking her!¡± says April. ¡°The scene has a big hole in it, and she¡¯s the only one who noticed.¡± She stands up. ¡°Sort out your scene, gentlemen. I¡¯ll be in my trailer. Gilly, Uggs?¡± One of the wardrobe girls hurries forward and unlaces April¡¯s button boots. ¡°April!¡± says Ant. ¡°Don¡¯t be ridiculous!¡± ¡°If you don¡¯t pick it up, the critics will,¡± she snaps. She steps into a pair of Uggs and strides across the soundstage. She¡¯s leaving. Oh my God. ¡°Come back here!¡± says Ant furiously. ¡°Fix the scene!¡± she retorts over her shoulder. I can see Ant and Dylan exchanging perturbed looks. ¡°April, be reasonable.¡± Ant hurries after her. ¡°Look, we¡¯ll discuss it.¡± As I glance around, all the extras and crew are watching, riveted. What do we do now? There¡¯s a hurried confab going on between Dino and some other guy in a headset, then Dino strides toward the set. ¡°OK, lunch. Lunch, everybody.¡± At once, the extras all start to head off, and Suze bounds across the set to me, as fast as she can in her big skirt. ¡°What did you do?¡± she demands. ¡°I didn¡¯t do anything!¡± ¡°Well, everyone¡¯s blaming you.¡± ¡°Really?¡± I stare at her in dismay. ¡°That is so unfair!¡± ¡°No, they¡¯re pleased. They might get overtime. Shall we go and get some lunch? They might have some more of that sushi. You know, I might become a full-time extra,¡± she adds as we walk along. ¡°I¡¯ve learned such a lot. There¡¯s a special agency you join, and there¡¯s plenty of work if you have the right look. You can make good money!¡± Good money? I want to point out to Suze that she already has good money, what with her husband being a squillionaire, only she looks so animated, I don¡¯t like to. ¡°And if you can ride a horse, that counts as a special skill,¡± she¡¯s saying when a fresh-faced girl hurries up to us. ¡°Becky? Is one of you Becky?¡± ¡°That¡¯s me,¡± I say, a bit nervously. ¡°Miss Tremont would like to see you in her trailer.¡± Suze and I look at each other, agog. A trailer! A proper movie star wants to see me in her trailer! ¡°Can my friend come too?¡± I say. ¡°Sure. This way.¡± I¡¯m slightly disappointed in the trailer, to be honest. I was expecting it to be full of roses and champagne buckets and cards from the producers and maybe some signed photos from George Clooney, not just look like a mini-caravan with magazines and bottles of Evian and energy bars scattered around. April is on the phone as we enter, and I sit down cautiously on a bench-thing next to Suze. I wouldn¡¯t mind having a trailer, I find myself thinking idly. Imagine if, everywhere you went in life, there was a little trailer waiting for you to go and relax in whenever you felt like it. Page 75 Imagine taking a trailer shopping. God, yes! You could put all your bags in it, and have a little rest, and make yourself a cup of tea and¡ª ¡°Becky.¡± April puts down her phone and smiles at me. ¡°How are you?¡± ¡°Er, fine!¡± I say. ¡°Thank you. This is my friend Suze.¡± ¡°Hi, Suze.¡± April bestows her radiant smile on Suze, then turns back to me. ¡°I just wanted to make sure you were OK. I don¡¯t want you getting any backlash from Ant. You have any trouble with him, you let me know.¡± ¡°Thank you!¡± I say, touched. ¡°Well, I owe you.¡± She sighs. ¡°I should have picked up that issue at the read-through. Or someone should have. Those guys are idiots.¡± ¡°What will they do now?¡± I say in slight trepidation. ¡°Have I really derailed the whole movie?¡± ¡°Sheesh, no!¡± She laughs. ¡°They¡¯ll write another scene. They¡¯ll fix it. That¡¯s their job. But I¡¯d like to do you a favor in return, if I can.¡± She looks earnestly at me. ¡°Do you have an agent? Do you need a better one? Would you like a contact? I know how tough it is out there; anything can help.¡± ¡°Actually, I don¡¯t have an agent,¡± I start to explain. ¡°This isn¡¯t really what I do¡ª¡± ¡°I¡¯d love an agent!¡± chimes in Suze. ¡°I want to be an extra. I think it could be my new career.¡± April Tremont surveys us both curiously. ¡°You¡¯re not actors?¡± ¡°I went to drama school,¡± says Suze quickly. ¡°I¡¯ve got a diploma. I was highly commended in my modern speech.¡± ¡°I¡¯m in fashion.¡± ¡°We got on the film because of Tarkie.¡± ¡°Tarkie¡¯s her husband,¡± I explain. ¡°He finances films.¡± ¡°Now I find out,¡± says Suze bitterly. ¡°So everyone was like, ¡®Do you want to watch a film being made?¡¯ and we said, ¡®No, we want to be in it.¡¯ ¡± ¡°So here we are!¡± We both come to a halt and look expectantly at April. It seems as though she¡¯s having slight trouble following. ¡°So you need an agent,¡± she says to Suze. ¡°Yes, please!¡± says Suze. ¡°And you need ¡­¡± She turns to me. ¡°Do you need anything?¡± ¡°I¡¯d love a job in styling,¡± I say. ¡°That¡¯s what I do. I used to work in Barneys, and I¡¯m trying to make it in Hollywood, but it¡¯s really hard to get a foot in the door.¡± ¡°Bex is brilliant,¡± says Suze loyally. ¡°She makes anyone look good. Even my sister-in-law Fenella, who, believe me ¡­¡± She makes a face. ¡°She¡¯s got good shoulders,¡± I say. ¡°You just have to focus on the shoulders.¡± ¡°OK,¡± says April thoughtfully. ¡°Well, how about this? I have a friend who¡¯s a stylist and she¡¯s run ragged. I know she¡¯s always looking for talented people to work with her. How about I fix up a meeting for you?¡± ¡°That would be amazing!¡± I gasp. ¡°Really?¡± ¡°We¡¯ll both be at the Actors¡¯ Society Awards, Friday night. How about I get you a ticket? I¡¯ll get you both a pair of tickets. It¡¯s a fun evening.¡± ¡°Thank you!¡± I grin delightedly at Suze. ¡°Thank you so much!¡± ¡°My friend¡¯s name is Cyndi.¡± April scribbles the name on a piece of paper. ¡°She¡¯ll be there with her new client. You can meet her too. Maybe you guys will all end up working together!¡± ¡°Wow!¡± I take the piece of paper. ¡°Thanks. Who¡¯s her new client?¡± ¡°Lois Kellerton,¡± says April, and I freeze. I¡¯m aware of Suze opening her eyes wide, and I try desperately to ignore her. ¡°What¡¯s up?¡± says April, sensing the tension. ¡°Do you know Lois?¡± ¡°No,¡± I say quickly. ¡°Not at all. No. Never met. Why would I have met Lois Kellerton?¡± I give a shrill, unnatural laugh. ¡°OK. Well, Lois is lovely,¡± says April. ¡°We¡¯re friends too¡ªin fact, we¡¯re neighbors. We¡¯ve both lived on Doheny Road forever. You¡¯ll get along great.¡± This is the first time I¡¯ve heard anyone describe Lois as ¡°lovely,¡± and April clearly notices my surprise. ¡°What is it?¡± she says. I know I should keep my mouth shut, but I can¡¯t resist it. ¡°It¡¯s just I heard Lois was ¡­ tricky to deal with?¡± I venture. ¡°Isn¡¯t her new film running into problems?¡± April sighs. ¡°I wish Lois didn¡¯t have this reputation. She¡¯s a wonderful girl. And the film will be wonderful. It¡¯s the story of the early female athletes, you know, using some original footage from the Olympics. So smart. And, yes, there have been glitches, but every movie has glitches.¡± Page 76 ¡°Sorry,¡± I say awkwardly. ¡°I didn¡¯t mean to ¡­ I just heard ¡­¡± ¡°I know.¡± April drops her hands as though in exasperation. ¡°Everyone says the same. The thing is, Lois is bright, she expects high standards, and she doesn¡¯t necessarily win herself friends. But you¡¯ll like her. I¡¯m sure you will.¡± A text bleeps in her phone and she reaches for it. ¡°Sorry, I have to go. Give your address to my assistant and I¡¯ll messenger the tickets over. Let yourselves out when you¡¯re ready.¡± She heads out of the trailer, clumping down the steps in her Uggs, and Suze and I just stare at each other. ¡°Lois Kellerton,¡± says Suze at last. ¡°Oh my God, Bex.¡± ¡°I know.¡± I rub my head. ¡°Freaky.¡± ¡°What will you say to her? I mean, about ¡­ you know.¡± ¡°I¡¯ll say nothing. It never happened, OK? And I never told you either.¡± ¡°All right.¡± Suze nods fervently, then looks up. ¡°Hey, what will Luke say about you meeting Lois? Isn¡¯t Lois Sage¡¯s big nemesis? Aren¡¯t you supposed to be on Team Sage?¡± Oh God. In the heat of the moment, I¡¯d forgotten all about that. Damn. I reach for an energy bar, thinking hard. OK, so it¡¯s not ideal. If I could have chosen any other celebrity, I would have. But I can¡¯t turn down this amazing chance. I can¡¯t. ¡°Luke will be completely supportive of my career,¡± I say at last, a bit more firmly than I feel. ¡°I mean, we don¡¯t both have to be on Team Sage, do we? We can have Chinese whatsits.¡± ¡°What?¡± Suze looks blank. ¡°Fortune cookies?¡± ¡°No!¡± I can¡¯t help giggling. ¡°Walls. Where you¡¯re on different sides but it¡¯s OK because you don¡¯t pass on any secrets.¡± ¡°Walls?¡± says Suze mistrustfully. ¡°I don¡¯t like the idea of walls. You shouldn¡¯t have walls in a marriage.¡± ¡°Not real walls; Chinese walls.¡± Suze doesn¡¯t look convinced. ¡°I still don¡¯t like it. I think you should be on the same side.¡± ¡°Well, so do I,¡± I say defensively. ¡°But what am I supposed to do? I tried styling Sage and she wasn¡¯t interested.¡± ¡°Style a different celebrity, then.¡± ¡°Who? They¡¯re not exactly queuing up for my services, are they?¡± I feel a bit ratty with Suze, partly because I know she¡¯s got a point. ¡°Look, it¡¯ll be fine. It¡¯ll be like that film where the husband and wife are opposing lawyers in the courtroom, but when they¡¯re at home everything¡¯s fine and lovely.¡± ¡°What film?¡± says Suze suspiciously. ¡°Er ¡­ you know. That one.¡± I¡¯m making this up as I go along, but I won¡¯t admit it. ¡°What¡¯s it called?¡± demands Suze. ¡°It doesn¡¯t matter what it¡¯s called. Look, I¡¯m only in Hollywood once, Suze. I have to at least see if I can make it as a stylist.¡± As I say the words, I realize how much I¡¯ve been wanting this opportunity, how disappointed I¡¯ve been at all my failures. And now a real, proper chance is within my grasp. ¡°Luke will understand,¡± I add. ¡°I¡¯ll work it out with him somehow. It¡¯ll all be OK.¡± BACKGROUND ARTISTS UNLIMITED AGENCY APPLICATION FORM FOR ARTISTS TITLE (DELETE AS APPROPRIATE): Mr./Mrs./Ms. Lady FORENAME (S): Susan deLaney Margaret SURNAME: Cleath-Stuart DATE OF BIRTH: Didn¡¯t you know that it¡¯s not done to ask someone¡¯s age? PLACE OF BIRTH: Sandringham, in the riding stables (Mummy had just been out hunting). PREVIOUS ACTING EXPERIENCE: I played a bumblebee at Mrs. Darlington¡¯s Academy and then I was a rabbit, and then I was Blanche DuBois, my most brilliant role, and then that girl in The Merchant of Venice. Oh, and Juliet. Except we only did three scenes, because Shakespeare IS a bit long. SPECIAL SKILLS (E.G., RIDING, JUGGLING): Oh, loads! Riding, tennis, fly-fishing, yoga, making photo frames, flower arranging, folding napkins into shapes, icing cakes (I did a course; Daddy thought I might go into catering). I¡¯m not much good at typing, but I could always pretend. And if you¡¯re filming a movie set in an old English house, I can tell you where the knives and forks go, because you always get it wrong. And the English don¡¯t all wear tweed the whole time. Oh, and WHY are the villains always British?? ACCENTS: I can do a brilliant American accent. And French. I can do Welsh, but it starts to sound Indian. ARE YOU WILLING TO APPEAR NUDE? Are you mad? What would Daddy say? And my husband? Anyway, why do you need anyone to appear nude? When anyone strips off on the screen, I start squirming with embarrassment and my husband gets up and says, ¡°Who¡¯s for a titchy?¡± People in films should keep their clothes on. Apart from Captain Jack Sparrow; he can take his off!! (Don¡¯t tell Tarkie I said that.) Page 77 Page 1 of 3 It¡¯ll be fine. I¡¯ve dealt with many awkward social encounters in my time; it¡¯ll be fine. I mean, OK, so I¡¯ve never met a movie star who: 1. I¡¯ve caught shoplifting, 2. has a tricky reputation (perhaps undeserved), 3. I know the entire life history of, having Googled her solidly for about three days. But still. I expect it¡¯ll go really well. We¡¯ll probably really hit it off and meet up for coffee, go shopping together.¡­ No. I pull myself up short. Not shopping. I mean, what if she pinches something? What if she asks me to be her accomplice and I don¡¯t know how to say no? I have a sudden hideous vision of the headline: STYLIST AND MOVIE STAR ARRESTED IN BARNEYS, STUFFING DESIGNER SOCKS IN BAGS. SEE PICTURES P. 8, 9, 10. Argh. Stop it, Becky. That¡¯s not going to happen. Decision one: If I get to work on Lois¡¯s styling team, then I¡¯ll tell her I never shop with my clients. And if by any chance we do go shopping and she asks me to shoplift something, I¡¯ll ¡­ I¡¯ll pretend I don¡¯t understand and back away. And then run. Yes. Good plan. At least I¡¯ve done my research. I know so much about Lois Kellerton, I could write a book about her. I know she started her career at age two in an infomercial about road safety, and she had an agent at age three, and her parents gave up their jobs to focus on her career. Her mother is the driven one and her father is the had-lots-of-affairs-and-ran-off one, so I won¡¯t mention him. Nor will I mention Sage. I hadn¡¯t quite realized what a feud they¡¯ve been having. It¡¯s not just the cancer-victim-shaving-head remark that Sage keeps going on about. It started ages ago, when they both arrived at an event in the same vivid green dress, and Sage accused Lois of doing it on purpose. Then Sage didn¡¯t turn up to an AIDS event organized by Lois. She was supposed to be presenting the whole evening, apparently, and Lois said she felt ¡°snubbed and let down¡± but that she wasn¡¯t surprised that Sage had ¡°once again displayed her innate selfishness.¡± Then, last year, Lois did the Hollywood Walk of Fame and said in her speech, ¡°Hollywood is in my DNA.¡± Whereupon Sage immediately commented on Facebook, God help Hollywood. What¡¯s really sad is that they used to be friends, years ago. They even appeared in a TV show together as children. But Hollywood is a tough place for the twenty-first-century actress, and she learns to look on every other star as an enemy (according to Hollywouldn¡¯t.com, this brilliant blog I found). Apparently, actresses compete over roles, men, ad campaigns, and even plastic surgeons. They set up camps like royal courts and become paranoid about their competitors, even those they¡¯re ¡°friends¡± with. It all sounds super-stressy. I can¡¯t imagine competing with Suze over a plastic surgeon. Although, to be fair, we did once clash over an Orla Kiely coat which we both wanted to buy on eBay. (Suze got it. But she lends it to me.) Anyway, so there are quite a few possible conversational pitfalls, if and when I meet Lois tonight. I won¡¯t mention Sage, or shoplifting (or shopping), or Lois¡¯s dad, or Lois¡¯s latest film, The Spiked Bed (it got bad reviews), or white sugar (she thinks it¡¯s evil). Not that I was planning to mention white sugar, but still. Worth remembering. Topics I can safely mention: Lois¡¯s Golden Globe, kettlebells, macadamia nuts. I¡¯ve written them down in case I get tongue-tied. ¡°Why macadamia nuts?¡± says Suze, who has been reading the list with interest. ¡°Because Lois loves them,¡± I say. ¡°It said so in Health and Fitness. So I¡¯ll pretend to love them, too, and we¡¯ll connect.¡± ¡°But what can you say about macadamia nuts?¡± objects Suze. ¡°I don¡¯t know!¡± I say defensively. ¡°I¡¯ll say, They¡¯re really nutty, aren¡¯t they?¡± ¡°And what will you say about kettlebells? Have you ever even seen a kettlebell?¡± ¡°That¡¯s not the point. Lois has done a kettlebell DVD, so it¡¯s a good conversational topic.¡± We¡¯re in my room, getting ready for the Actors¡¯ Society Awards, or ASAs, as everyone calls them. And I can¡¯t help feeling a little bit hyper. I have to get it right tonight. I have to make a good impression. I¡¯ve analyzed Lois¡¯s style endlessly over the last few days, and I¡¯ve got loads of ideas for her. I think she could go far more young and glam. She wears dresses that are too old for her. And who does her hair? ¡°I read another piece in Variety today saying Lois¡¯s career is on the skids,¡± says Suze conversationally. ¡°Hair up or down?¡± She grabs her hair extensions in one hand and piles them in a knot on her head. Page 78 ¡°Up. That looks amazing. And it isn¡¯t on the skids.¡± ¡°Well, her price has fallen. Apparently she¡¯s really moody. Shannon¡¯s worked with her. Shannon says she¡¯s permanently on the edge.¡± ¡°Shannon¡¯s just jealous,¡± I snap. I¡¯m getting a bit sick of this Shannon. After our departure from The Black Flag, Suze got herself a day¡¯s work as an extra on a TV show called Cyberville and made a new friend called Shannon, who¡¯s been a professional extra for over twenty years. Shannon considers herself an expert on Hollywood, and Suze treats all her views with total reverence and keeps spouting them back to me. I mean, honestly. Just because you¡¯ve been in The Matrix, it doesn¡¯t mean you know everything. ¡°Lois just needs an exciting new look,¡± I say firmly. ¡°Which I will give her.¡± ¡°What did Luke say about it?¡± Suze turns, her voice muffled by hairpins in her mouth. ¡°You never told me.¡± ¡°Oh. Um.¡± I play for time by lining my lips carefully, even though I¡¯ve already lined them. ¡°He is OK with it, isn¡¯t he?¡± Suze gives me a sharp look. ¡°Bex, you did tell him, didn¡¯t you?¡± ¡°Well ¡­¡± I cast around for the best answer. ¡°There¡¯s no point telling him yet.¡± ¡°You have to tell him!¡± Suze shoves a sparkly clip into her hair. ¡°You can¡¯t just join Team Lois and he has no idea!¡± ¡°I haven¡¯t even met Lois properly yet,¡± I retort. ¡°What if we don¡¯t get on? Then I¡¯ll have told Luke for no reason. I¡¯ll wait till I get hired and then I¡¯ll tell him.¡± I don¡¯t want to tell Luke yet about meeting Lois. First because I secretly know that Suze is right¡ªLuke might raise objections. And, second, because I want to tell him when I¡¯m already a success. I want to prove that I can make it here on my own. ¡°What if he sees you making conversation with Lois tonight?¡± ¡°Suze, this isn¡¯t the Cold War! I¡¯m allowed to talk to people! I¡¯ll just say we were chatting. Can you hook me up?¡± As Suze starts pulling at the fabric of my corset dress, my phone bleeps with three new texts, all in a row, and I reach for it on a nearby chair. ¡°Stop it!¡± Suze scolds me. ¡°I can¡¯t hook you if you move around. It¡¯s only a text.¡± ¡°It might be an emergency.¡± ¡°It¡¯s probably just Luke.¡± ¡°What do you mean, just Luke?¡± I say, punching in my code. ¡°I wouldn¡¯t say it¡¯s just Tarquin.¡± ¡°Yes, you would; you say it all the time.¡± Suze wrenches at my dress. ¡°Are you sure this is the right size?¡± I can¡¯t answer. I¡¯m staring at my phone in a state of shock. ¡°Bex?¡± Suze pokes me. ¡°Hello?¡± ¡°She¡¯s coming,¡± I say at last. ¡°Who¡¯s coming?¡± ¡°Elinor. Here.¡± ¡°Now?¡± says Suze in alarm. ¡°No, not now, but soon. In a week or so. I sent her a text, asking her to come, but I never thought she would¡ª¡± I turn to face Suze, suddenly petrified. ¡°Oh God. What shall I do?¡± ¡°You¡¯ll stage an intervention, remember?¡± says Suze. ¡°Because you¡¯re so brilliant at conflict resolution, remember?¡± ¡°Right.¡± I swallow. ¡°Yes.¡± Somehow it all sounded better in theory. But the idea that Elinor is actually going to get on a plane to L.A., and Luke has no idea, and I¡¯ll have the two of them to manage ¡­ ¡°Suze, you have to help me,¡± I say plaintively. ¡°I¡¯m not helping you!¡± she says at once. ¡°Count me out. I always thought it was a bad idea.¡± ¡°It isn¡¯t a bad idea! It¡¯s just ¡­ it might be more difficult than I thought.¡± ¡°I thought you were an expert,¡± says Suze rather unfeelingly. ¡°I thought you had a variety of techniques up your sleeve and Buddha would guide you with his infinite wisdom.¡± She pauses, then adds, ¡°Tell you what, I¡¯ll buy you some more wind chimes, if you like.¡± ¡°Very funny.¡± ¡°Well, honestly, Bex, you must be nuts. What happened about Elinor¡¯s surgery anyway?¡± ¡°It was canceled,¡± I say, reading the third text again. ¡°It was only a minor procedure on her toe.¡± ¡°Her toe?¡± Suze stares at me. ¡°I thought she was dying!¡± ¡°So did I,¡± I admit. ¡°Well, I think you should cancel her. Say you made a mistake and you won¡¯t be here.¡± She prods my shoulder. ¡°Turn around. There¡¯s one more hook to do.¡± Page 79 I turn round, thinking hard. That¡¯s the obvious option. The easy solution. I could text Elinor back. Tell her not to come; make some excuse. We¡¯ll probably never see her again. But is that really what I want? Is that really for the best for all of us? For Luke? For Minnie? Suze fixes the last hook in place. ¡°There. Done.¡± Then she adds, ¡°Or you could always say Minnie was ill,¡± she adds. ¡°I do that all the time if I want to get out of things. Ernie¡¯s had whooping cough about five times, poor little love¡ª¡± ¡°I¡¯m not going to cancel.¡± I¡¯m feeling resolute. ¡°Elinor and Luke have to sort things out, and I really think I can help them, and the longer I put it off, the harder it¡¯ll be.¡± ¡°God help us.¡± Suze stares at me, incredulous. ¡°You are going to stage an intervention.¡± ¡°Why not? I¡¯m sure I can do it. With or without help,¡± I say pointedly. ¡°Who needs help?¡± comes Luke¡¯s voice from the corridor, and I stiffen. I hastily turn off my phone and paste on a casual smile. ¡°Oh, hi!¡± I say brightly as he comes in, all smart in black tie. ¡°Just talking about ¡­ kettlebells.¡± ¡°Marvelous,¡± says Luke, shooting me an odd look. ¡°What is a kettlebell? I keep hearing about them.¡± ¡°It¡¯s an exercise device,¡± I improvise. ¡°It¡¯s modeled on a kettle. And a bell, obviously. Both. So, what time shall we leave?¡± I add hurriedly. ¡°Oh God, is that the time?¡± Suze suddenly sounds fractious. ¡°Where¡¯s Tarkie?¡± ¡°Haven¡¯t seen him.¡± Luke glances at his watch. ¡°We¡¯ll need to go in about twenty minutes.¡± Luke wasn¡¯t originally intending to come to the ASAs, but then Sage announced she wanted to go, and her whole entourage had to come too. Apparently she wanted to bring a monkey as a publicity stunt, and Luke had to talk her out of it. A monkey! Imagine if it made a mess everywhere. Now Luke¡¯s eye has fallen on a shiny cardboard carrier bag lying on the bed, out of which is poking a diamant¨¦-encrusted clutch. ¡°Another bag, Becky?¡± He raises an eyebrow. ¡°I thought the bag you bought at the weekend was so perfect you would use it forever and it would be your signature look and people would call you the Girl with the Lara Bohinc Bag?¡± I feel a dart of righteous indignation. Husbands should not memorize conversations, word for word. It¡¯s against the whole spirit of marriage. But in this case I don¡¯t mind, because whatever he¡¯s thinking, he¡¯s wrong. ¡°That clutch isn¡¯t for me. I bought it in my role as stylist. It¡¯s tax-deductible,¡± I add smartly. I don¡¯t actually know if that¡¯s true, but it must be, surely? ¡°Right. Of course. The styling.¡± Luke looks quizzical. ¡°How¡¯s that going, then?¡± ¡°Great!¡± I say robustly. ¡°Lots of potential. Lots of irons in the fire.¡± Luke sighs. ¡°Becky, sweetheart, I wish you¡¯d let me help you. I¡¯m sure I could get you a couple of introductions¡ª¡± ¡°I don¡¯t need your help!¡± I reply, stung. ¡°I¡¯m on the case.¡± This is why I don¡¯t want to mention Lois Kellerton yet. I want to show him. The bag¡¯s for Lois, of course. It¡¯s a one-off from a vintage shop and has an Art Deco design that I think she¡¯ll love. Lately, Lois has taken to wearing really subtle, muted shades, which is all very well, but I think she needs to ¡°pop¡± more, and this bag will be perfect. Especially against all that lovely dark hair. I¡¯m planning to give it to her tonight, as an icebreaker, and hopefully we can take things from there. ¡°Where is he?¡± Suze is tapping at her phone. ¡°Honestly, this bloody Golden Peace ¡­¡± She shoots me an accusing look, which is totally unfair. ¡°I told him to get back in good time,¡± she mutters as she presses SEND. ¡°He totally loses track of time. What¡¯s he doing?¡± I know Suze thinks Tarkie attends Golden Peace far too much. But she¡¯s prejudiced. The truth is, Tarkie is having a brilliant time hanging out with his volleyball gang, being one of the guys. No one pesters him about listed gables or investments in South Africa. Nor do they keep trying to pitch him movie ideas, because that kind of thing is totally banned at Golden Peace. I think it¡¯s the first place he¡¯s ever been where he¡¯s just him. Tarkie. The person. From outside comes the sound of car doors slamming. A moment later I hear the front door opening and closing, followed by footsteps in the hall. There we go. I knew Tarkie would turn up. Page 80 ¡°You see? He¡¯s here.¡± I grab my Lara Bohinc clutch bag and the diamant¨¦ one. ¡°Let¡¯s have a titchy while he gets ready.¡± Suze is stepping into her teetering high heels, which make her look even taller and more willowy than usual. Her blond hair, piled high in snaky curls, gives her yet more height, and she basically looks amazing: all golden suntanned limbs and fake lashes and imperious frown. No one can frown like Suze. She¡¯s really quite scary, especially when she¡¯s towering above you in her Louboutins. She gets it from her mother, who is equally formidable. Apparently she can trace her ancestry back to Boudicca. (Do I mean Boadicea? The fierce fighty woman anyway.) Now Suze grabs her clutch (Tory Burch, snakeskin, on sale at Bloomingdale¡¯s) and strides out of the room, calling, ¡°Tarkie! Where have you been? We have to go!¡± I hurry after her along the galleried landing and stop dead at the same time as she does. Tarkie is in the hall below, but he¡¯s not alone. He¡¯s with Bryce, who is looking as tanned and crinkly-eyed as ever. They¡¯re both in baggy surfer shorts and bandannas, and Tarkie is holding a Frisbee. I¡¯ve seen Tarkie holding many weird things in my time¡ªa First World War gun, an antique stuffed owl, an ancient scythe¡ªbut somehow seeing him with a Frisbee makes me want to burst into giggles. As I glance at Suze, I can tell she isn¡¯t thrilled. ¡°Hello, Bryce,¡± she says, overly pleasant, walking down the stairs. ¡°How lovely to see you again. Please don¡¯t let us keep you. Tarkie, you¡¯d better get changed.¡± Ouch. Suze¡¯s clipped, polite tones are like little shards of glass landing one by one. Her smile is icy, and the atmosphere is distinctly uncomfortable. ¡°Darling, I¡¯d rather not come tonight if you don¡¯t mind,¡± says Tarkie, apparently oblivious. ¡°Bryce¡¯s organized an evening hike with some of the chaps. Sounds rather fun.¡± ¡°But, darling, we¡¯re going to the Actors¡¯ Society Awards. Remember? We arranged it?¡± Suze¡¯s voice is so flinty that even Tarkie seems to realize something¡¯s up. ¡°Oh, Suze, you don¡¯t need me there, do you?¡± he says pleadingly. ¡°It¡¯ll be full of ghastly people.¡± Only Tarkie could describe the pick of A-list Hollywood celebrities as ¡°ghastly people.¡± ¡°Yes, I do need you there!¡± exclaims Suze. ¡°And I could have done without you disappearing all day too. Where¡¯ve you been anyway?¡± ¡°We played volleyball,¡± says Tarquin, looking a bit shifty. ¡°And we had lunch ¡­ and we talked.¡­¡± ¡°All afternoon?¡± Suze is sounding shriller and shriller. ¡°My apologies,¡± says Bryce charmingly, in that smooth, hypnotic voice of his. ¡°I waylaid Tarquin. We got talking and never stopped.¡± ¡°Don¡¯t apologize! It was a wonderful day.¡± Tarkie turns eagerly to Suze. ¡°Suze, darling, Bryce has so many brilliant insights. I¡¯d love us all to have supper one night. And, Bryce¡ª¡± He turns back to him. ¡°I¡¯d love to come to that class you were talking about. Meditation, was it?¡± ¡°Mindfulness.¡± ¡°That¡¯s it! Sounds ¡­ ahm ¡­ fascinating.¡± ¡°I¡¯m brilliant at that,¡± I put in helpfully. ¡°It¡¯s really easy.¡± ¡°You don¡¯t need to go to any classes, Tarquin!¡± snaps Suze. ¡°I agree,¡± says Bryce, surprisingly. ¡°It¡¯s not at all essential. Tarquin, I think you¡¯re someone who will heal himself through a slow, natural process. Just don¡¯t be afraid to talk.¡± ¡°Right. Ahm ¡­ absolutely.¡± Tarquin looks uncomfortable. ¡°The thing is, it¡¯s not terribly easy¡ª¡± ¡°I know.¡± Bryce nods. ¡°It¡¯s hard. But it¡¯ll come. Remember, it doesn¡¯t have to be with anyone. The sea will hear you. The air will hear you. Just express yourself, and let your soul find the answers.¡± I¡¯m listening, totally mesmerized, but Suze is bristling. ¡°Talk to the sea?¡± she scoffs. ¡°What, and have everyone think you¡¯re mad?¡± ¡° ¡®Mad¡¯ is a word I try not to use,¡± says Bryce, unruffled. ¡°And, yes, I think talking to other people can bring its own unhelpful baggage. Sometimes you just need to talk to an entity. The void. Your God. We do a lot of healing work with animals.¡± ¡°Tarkie doesn¡¯t need healing.¡± Suze sounds outraged. ¡°That¡¯s your opinion.¡± Bryce shrugs in a kind of all-wise, all-knowing, I have perspective because I have more experience of human problems and neuroses and stress than you could possibly guess at, even though I¡¯m bound to secrecy and will never blab any celebrity details way. Page 81 Well, that¡¯s what I picked up anyway. ¡°I¡¯m his wife,¡± says Suze stonily. ¡°Of course.¡± He lifts his hands. ¡°Suze, I respect you.¡± There¡¯s a really weird chemistry between Suze and Bryce. She¡¯s practically sparking as she squares up to him.¡­ Oh my God, does she fancy him? I mean, everyone kind of fancies Bryce¡ªyou¡¯d have to be inhuman not to¡ªbut does she really fancy him? ¡°Come on.¡± At last Suze swivels and addresses Tarkie. ¡°We need to go.¡± ¡°I¡¯ll see you, Tarquin,¡± says Bryce, apparently unoffended. ¡°Call me, Bryce,¡± says Tarkie. ¡°If you and the chaps are playing volleyball, or if there¡¯s another hike ¡­¡± He¡¯s so eager and hopeful, he reminds me of a little boy running after the cool kids in the playground. ¡°I¡¯ll call.¡± Bryce nods kindly, then turns and leaves. ¡°Well!¡± Suze exhales as the door closes. ¡°Interesting guy,¡± says Luke noncommittally. ¡°What¡¯s his background, Tarquin?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know,¡± says Tarkie. ¡°And it doesn¡¯t matter.¡± He turns on Suze. ¡°I think you could be a bit more polite to my friends.¡± ¡°He¡¯s not your friend,¡± retorts Suze. ¡°He is! He¡¯s more of a friend than most of the people in my life! He¡¯s cleverer, and kinder, and he understands more¡ª¡± Tarquin breaks off, and we all gape at him. I don¡¯t think I¡¯ve ever heard Tarkie so impassioned in my life. I mean, I¡¯d have to agree. I¡¯ve met Tarquin¡¯s friends, and most of them can only say about six words: ¡°Good shot¡± and ¡° ¡¯Nother titchy?¡± and ¡°Damned pheasant.¡± I can¡¯t imagine any of them talking about the soul finding the answers. And if you ask me, Suze is making a big mistake. Why shouldn¡¯t Tarkie blabber his guts out to the sea if it helps him? He was in a real old state before he got out here. At least now he has a glow to his cheeks. ¡°If you can¡¯t see it, then I don¡¯t know how to explain,¡± Tarquin finishes at last. ¡°Well, I can¡¯t,¡± says Suze angrily. In silence, Tarquin heads up the stairs, his Frisbee dangling at his side. I exchange anxious glances with Luke, then look at Suze. She¡¯s standing with her hands on her hips, her cheeks puffed out defiantly. ¡°Suze!¡± I hiss as soon as Tarkie is out of earshot. ¡°What¡¯s your problem?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know. I just ¡­¡± She exhales. ¡°I just don¡¯t like that guy. He winds me up.¡± He winds her up. Well, that proves it. She does fancy him, even if she doesn¡¯t realize it herself. It¡¯s a sexual-chemistry thing, and she¡¯s trying to resist it and is taking it out on poor Tarkie with an irrational prejudice. Boom! Diagnosed! Honestly, I should go into psychology. I¡¯ve clearly got a real knack for it. ¡°You don¡¯t know what Tarkie¡¯s like,¡± Suze continues. ¡°You haven¡¯t seen him much recently. He¡¯s started saying weird things. He¡¯s changed.¡± Yes, and that¡¯s a good thing! I want to exclaim. Have you forgotten what a wreck he was? But now isn¡¯t the moment. ¡°Look, never mind,¡± I say soothingly. ¡°Let¡¯s go out and have some fun and talk about it another time.¡± The truth is, Suze could probably do with some sea-talking natural-healing soul-finding stuff herself. (Only I won¡¯t say that, because she¡¯d probably stamp on my foot, and she¡¯s wearing her spikiest Louboutins.) The Actors¡¯ Society Awards are being held at the Willerton Hotel, and according to the program they are for lesser-known actors whose art may not find recognition elsewhere. The trouble is, the whole place is stuffed full of major celebrities, so the poor old ¡°lesser-known actors¡± aren¡¯t getting a look-in. I¡¯ve already seen Diane Kruger and Hugh Jackman and the blond one off that show with the kangaroo. And now the photographers outside are yelling, ¡°Tom! Tom!¡± in a total frenzy, although whether it¡¯s Cruise or Hanks I don¡¯t know. (Or Selleck?) (Or some other new hot Tom I don¡¯t know about?) At least there was only one red carpet this time, not that my feet touched it for more than thirty seconds. All the stars were posing on one side for the photographers, while we lesser mortals were pushed along briskly by men in headsets who were practically holding cattle prods. I mean, I was virtually running, and Suze twisted her ankle. ¡°Best Hairspray,¡± says Suze, nodding at a woman with rock-solid hair. ¡°Best Fake Boobs,¡± I chime in, pointing to a girl striding by in a strapless dress. Page 82 ¡°Ooh, look! Best Producer Being Mean to Her Assistant,¡± says Suze, gesturing at a scrawny woman in a tux, who is talking fiercely through the side of her mouth at a young girl who looks like she might start crying. The actual awards don¡¯t start for another whole hour, and as far as I can see, neither Sage nor Lois is here yet. Suze says her ankle is too painful to mill around, and Tarkie has disappeared off with a friend of his from volleyball, so we¡¯re sitting at our table with glasses of wine, giving out our own awards. ¡°I saw that girl in the loos.¡± Suze nudges me as a beautiful red-haired girl walks by. ¡°She gets Best Use of Concealer. And Best Drying Her Armpits under the Hot-Air Dryer¡ªoh!¡± She breaks off. ¡°April! Hello!¡± I swivel round and gulp. There¡¯s April Tremont, looking very slinky in a peacock-blue dress. And standing next to her is ¡­ Oh my God. My heart suddenly starts bumping in my chest. ¡°Lois, may I introduce Rebecca Brandon¡± says April. ¡°Rebecca, this is Lois Kellerton.¡± Seeing celebrities in real life is like seeing a Magic Eye, I¡¯ve decided. At first they seem totally unreal, like a magazine or a film billboard come to life. Then your eyes gradually adjust and they take on 3-D form. And at last they kind of turn into real people. Kind of. Lois¡¯s face is thinner even than it was when I saw her before. Her skin is so fair it¡¯s almost translucent. Her wavy hair is caught up in a loose knot, and she¡¯s wearing a drifty, silky gray dress that makes her look like a shadow. ¡°Hi,¡± she says softly. ¡°Hi,¡± I say awkwardly, holding out my hand. ¡°Lovely to ¡­ meet you.¡± She takes my hand¡ªand I see something snap in her face. She¡¯s realized. She¡¯s recognized me. My stomach clenches in apprehension. How is this going to go? All credit to Lois, she¡¯s totally kept her cool. Her pupils haven¡¯t even dilated. No one would have any idea we¡¯ve met before. That¡¯s what acting training does for you, I expect. ¡°Becky,¡± she says slowly. ¡°Exactly.¡± I swallow. ¡°I¡¯m Becky.¡± Don¡¯t mention shoplifting, I tell myself firmly. Do not even THINK about shoplifting. The trouble is, the more I tell myself not to think about it, the more I can¡¯t help it. I feel like her secret is dancing up and down inside me, shouting, Let me out! ¡°I love macadamias,¡± I blurt out in desperation. ¡°Don¡¯t you?¡± ¡°I guess so.¡± Lois looks puzzled, then adds, ¡°So, you want to be a stylist, April tells me.¡± ¡°Becky is a stylist!¡± says Suze loyally. ¡°She used to work at Barneys as a personal shopper. She¡¯s brilliant. I¡¯m Suze, by the way. I¡¯m in the profession too,¡± she adds grandly. ¡°I¡¯m a background artist.¡± Honestly, what is Suze like? I¡¯m in the profession too. ¡°I shopped at Barneys a couple times when I was filming in New York,¡± says Lois. ¡°I saw ¡­ Janet?¡± ¡°Janet was my boss!¡± I try not to sound too excited. ¡°She taught me everything!¡± ¡°Oh, OK.¡± Lois gives me an appraising look. ¡°So you know what you¡¯re doing, then.¡± ¡°Becky, I¡¯m so sorry.¡± April turns to me. ¡°But Cyndi couldn¡¯t make it after all. I was going to get Becky and Cyndi together,¡± she explains to Lois. ¡°Oh.¡± I hide my disappointment. ¡°Well, in the meantime ¡­¡± I reach for the Art Deco clutch. ¡°I brought this along for you.¡± I proffer it to Lois. ¡°I saw it and it seemed like your style; it¡¯s vintage.¡­¡± I trail off and hold my breath. There¡¯s silence as Lois considers the bag. I feel like I¡¯m in the MasterChef final, and Michel Roux Jr. is considering my profiteroles. ¡°I like it,¡± Lois declares at last. ¡°I love it. Sold.¡± ¡°Great!¡± I say, trying not to sound too joyful. ¡°Well, it¡¯s from this great vintage shop; I go there all the time. I could easily source some more stuff for you.¡­¡± ¡°I¡¯d like that.¡± Lois gives me that ravishing, understated smile of hers, the one she does in Tess, when Angel strips off and does a sexy dance for her. (Did that happen in the book? Something tells me maybe not.) She seems totally sweet and low-key. I can¡¯t understand why people think she¡¯s tricksy. Now she¡¯s looking at her phone and frowning. ¡°My agent. I need to go talk to some people. I¡¯ll be back for this delightful thing.¡± She puts the bag down on the table. ¡°And we¡¯ll talk terms.¡± ¡°But what about Cyndi?¡± I say awkwardly. ¡°I don¡¯t want to tread on her toes.¡± Page 83 ¡°You won¡¯t.¡± Lois gives a laugh. ¡°The truth is, Cyndi¡¯s really too busy to look after me anyway. April always said she would be.¡± ¡°She has too many clients,¡± says April ruefully. ¡°I don¡¯t have too many clients!¡± I say at once, and Lois laughs again. ¡°Great. Well, count me as one of them.¡± She smiles once more, then heads away, across the crowded room. ¡°Next time you go shopping, I¡¯m coming with you,¡± says April, smiling. ¡°You can find me a purse like that too.¡± ¡°Of course! And thank you so much for introducing me to Lois.¡± ¡°My pleasure! Thank you so much for pointing out that the scene I was shooting made no sense. They¡¯re still rewriting it, I believe.¡± She winks at me. ¡°See you girls later.¡± She melts away into the crowd, and I gleefully turn to Suze. ¡°Did you see that? Lois liked the bag! She wants to talk terms!¡± ¡°Of course she liked the bag!¡± says Suze, giving me a hug. ¡°Well done, Bex! Lois seems really nice,¡± she adds consideringly. ¡°I thought she was supposed to be horrible.¡± I¡¯m about to say that that¡¯s exactly what I was just thinking, too, when Luke¡¯s voice hails me. ¡°Darling, are you all right?¡± I turn to see him with Aran, two women I don¡¯t recognize, and Sage, who is wearing a silver dress and matching shoes and her hair in a sixties beehive. ¡°If that bitch gets it,¡± she¡¯s saying furiously. ¡°If that crazy bitch gets it ¡­¡± ¡°Sage, calm down,¡± Aran murmurs. ¡°Having fun?¡± says Luke. ¡°Yes!¡± I say, still glowing. ¡°We¡¯re having a great time! Hi, Aran; hi, Sage ¡­¡± While I¡¯m introduced to the two women, Sage flops down on a chair, furiously tapping at her phone. ¡°What¡¯s up?¡± I say quietly to Luke. ¡°Lois Kellerton,¡± he murmurs back. ¡°Florence Nightingale. I have a feeling Lois is going to get the role. Just don¡¯t mention it, OK?¡± ¡°Oh.¡± I feel an uncomfortable twinge. ¡°All right.¡± I can feel Suze¡¯s eyes burning into me, and I know what she¡¯s trying to say: I should tell Luke that I¡¯m going to start working with Lois Kellerton. She¡¯s right. I should. Only I¡¯m not quite sure how to do it in front of Sage. Could I text him? I get out my phone, open a text, and start typing. Luke. I have a new client. It¡¯s Lois Kellerton. No. Too blunt. I delete the whole thing and try again. Luke, I have an amazing new opportunity, which I don¡¯t want to mention out loud. And I hope you¡¯ll be pleased for me. I THINK you¡¯ll be pleased for me. There may be a very slight conflict of interest, but we can always build Chinese walls, and Damn. I¡¯ve run out of room. I¡¯m just backspacing again, when Sage looks up from her own phone. ¡°Cute purse,¡± she says, spying the Art Deco bag and pulling it toward her. ¡°Is that yours, Becky?¡± Shit. Shit. ¡°Oh. Um ¡­¡± As I¡¯m working out how to answer, Luke plunges in. ¡°That¡¯s one of Becky¡¯s work purchases,¡± he says. ¡°You know she¡¯s a stylist, Sage? She¡¯s worked at Barneys and at a major store in London. Remember, I was telling you about her work yesterday.¡± ¡°I do,¡± says Aran, looking up from his phone. ¡°We couldn¡¯t get you to shut up about it.¡± He winks at me, then resumes tapping at his phone. I can¡¯t help feeling touched. I had no idea Luke was bigging up my work. Sage¡¯s brow has wrinkled as though she¡¯s recalling a distant memory from a past life. ¡°Sure,¡± she says vaguely. ¡°You told me. So who is this purse for?¡± ¡°I think it might, in fact, be for you!¡± Luke¡¯s eyes twinkle. ¡°Am I right, Becky?¡± No. Nooooooo! Disaster. Total disaster. Why didn¡¯t I hide it under the table? ¡°Um ¡­¡± I clear my throat. ¡°Actually¡ª¡± ¡°For me?¡± Sage¡¯s face lights up. ¡°How cool. It matches my dress.¡± Is she crazy? It¡¯s totally the wrong silver. ¡°The thing is¡ªit¡¯s not¡ª¡± I reach for the bag, but it¡¯s too late. Sage has stood up and is trying it out, posing as though she¡¯s on the red carpet. I meet Suze¡¯s eyes¡ªand she looks as horrified as I feel. ¡°I think you¡¯ve scored a hit, Becky,¡± says Luke, delighted. ¡°Bravo.¡± ¡°The thing is, it¡¯s for a client,¡± I say awkwardly. ¡°I¡¯ve promised it to her. Sorry. I can try to get you another one like it.¡± Page 84 ¡°Which client?¡± Sage looks put out. ¡°Just a ¡­ um ¡­ this girl ¡­¡± I¡¯m knotting my fingers. ¡°You wouldn¡¯t know her.¡­¡± ¡°Well, tell her you lost it.¡± Sage pouts winsomely. ¡°It¡¯s too cute. I have to have it.¡± ¡°But I¡¯ve promised it to her.¡­¡± I try to swipe it, but she dances away. ¡°Mine now!¡± Before I can stop her, she¡¯s moving into a cluster of guys in black tie. The next moment she¡¯s gone. ¡°Luke!¡± I let out all my stress by banging the table. ¡°How could you? You¡¯ve ruined everything! That clutch wasn¡¯t for her!¡± ¡°Well, I¡¯m very sorry, but I thought I was helping you!¡± he replies hotly. ¡°You¡¯ve been telling me for weeks how you want to be Sage¡¯s stylist.¡± ¡°I do! But I¡¯ve got this other client¡ª¡± ¡°Who is this other client?¡± He doesn¡¯t look convinced. ¡°Does she even exist?¡± ¡°Yes!¡± ¡°Well, who is it?¡± He turns to Suze. ¡°Do you know this client?¡± ¡°I think Becky needs to tell you herself,¡± says Suze in disapproving tones. ¡°Er ¡­ Luke,¡± I say with a small gulp. ¡°Let¡¯s go to the bar.¡± As we make our way to the bar, I¡¯m lurching between two feelings. Glee that I¡¯ve finally got a client, and dread at having to tell Luke. Glee¨Cdread, glee¨Cdread ¡­ My head is spinning and my hands are clenched and my legs are shaking, and altogether I¡¯m glad when we reach the bar. ¡°Luke, I have something to tell you,¡± I blurt out. ¡°It¡¯s good but it¡¯s not good. Or it may not be good. Or ¡­¡± I¡¯ve run out of possibilities. ¡°I need to tell you,¡± I finish lamely. Luke eyes me for a moment without saying anything. ¡°Is this a stiff drink kind of a something?¡± he says at last. ¡°It could be.¡± ¡°Two gimlets,¡± he instructs the barman. ¡°Straight up.¡± Luke quite often orders for me, which is because I can never decide what to have. (Mum¡¯s the same. Phoning for Chinese honestly takes about an hour in our house.) ¡°So, the good news is, I¡¯ve got a client.¡± ¡°So you said.¡± Luke raises his eyebrows. ¡°Well done! And the bad news?¡± ¡°The bad news is ¡­¡± I screw up my face. ¡°My client is Lois Kellerton.¡± I¡¯m bracing myself for Luke to explode, or frown, or maybe bang his fist on the bar and say, Of all the movie stars in all the towns ¡­ and stare murderously into the middle distance. But instead he looks puzzled. ¡°So?¡± I feel a little indignant. How can he look so calm when I¡¯m tying myself up in knots? ¡°So! Sage will be livid! I¡¯ll be on Team Lois and you¡¯ll be on Team Sage and it¡¯ll all kick off and¡ª¡± ¡°It will not kick off.¡± Finally, Luke does sound angry. ¡°I¡¯m not having this anymore! The so-called feud is over. Sage is a grown woman, and she needs to start acting with a little dignity and maturity.¡± He glowers at me, as though it¡¯s my fault. ¡°It¡¯s not just her,¡± I say, to be fair. ¡°It¡¯s both of them. Lois wore the same dress as Sage to an event, and then Sage bailed out of this charity thing¡ª¡± ¡°Whatever.¡± Luke cuts me off. ¡°It¡¯s over. And as for your career, you are an independent woman, and if Sage has any problem at all with you working for Lois Kellerton, she can answer to me. OK?¡± He sounds so forthright, I feel a glow of pleasure. I knew all along he¡¯d support me. (Well, I kind of knew.) Our drinks arrive, and Luke lifts his up to clink mine. ¡°To you, Becky. First client in Hollywood. Bravo. I hope for your sake she¡¯s not as nutty as my client.¡± I can¡¯t help giggling. It¡¯s so unlike Luke to dis his clients¡ªhe¡¯s usually far too discreet. ¡°So, is Sage difficult to work with?¡± Luke closes his eyes briefly and takes a swig of his drink. As he opens them, he¡¯s smiling wryly. ¡°Trapped inside that gorgeous, curvaceous body is a spoiled teenage girl with arrested development and the biggest sense of entitlement I¡¯ve ever come across. And I¡¯ve worked with bankers,¡± he adds, rolling his eyes. ¡°She¡¯s worse than bankers?¡± I say, playing along. ¡°She thinks she should be able to do exactly as she likes. All the time.¡± ¡°Can¡¯t movie stars do what they like?¡± ¡°Some can. When they reach a certain level.¡± Luke takes another gulp. ¡°Sage thinks she¡¯s Hollywood royalty. But she¡¯s not. Not yet. Her trouble is, she had very easy, very early success, and nothing since has quite matched up to it.¡± Page 85 ¡°So how can she get that success again?¡± ¡°That¡¯s what we¡¯re working on. But it¡¯s a work in progress.¡± Luke has that wry smile again. ¡°Believe me, even the most obnoxious hedge-fund types in London are less of a pain in the butt than Sage Seymour. When I speak to boards of directors, they listen. We agree to an action plan. We put it in motion. When I speak to Sage ¡­ who knows if she¡¯s even listening?¡± ¡°Well, Aran thinks you¡¯re brilliant,¡± I say. ¡°He told me so the other day.¡± ¡°Aran¡¯s great.¡± Luke nods. ¡°We see eye to eye, at any rate.¡± He lifts his glass up again. ¡°And that¡¯s why, my darling, I hope for your sake that your client is less nutty than mine.¡± I grin at him as I sip my drink. It¡¯s nice to have a proper chat, the two of us. These last few weeks have been such a whirlwind; I¡¯ve barely seen Luke, let alone spent time together as a couple. I¡¯m about to share this thought with Luke when a guy in a tuxedo with long, glossy dark hair passes by. He must surely have used hair straighteners and about a whole bottle of product. I glance at Luke and see that he¡¯s noticed the guy too. ¡°Shall I grow my hair like that?¡± he says, his mouth barely twitching. ¡°Yes!¡± I say with emphasis. ¡°Definitely! I loved it when you had long hair.¡± I lean over to stroke his hair. ¡°I adore your hair. The more of it, the better.¡± When we went on honeymoon, Luke let his hair grow and even had little plaits. But as soon as we got back to London, he whipped it all off again. I¡¯ve always thought that Long-hair Luke was slightly different from Short-hair Luke. More relaxed. ¡°You should wear long hair and flip-flops to work,¡± I suggest. ¡°That¡¯s the L.A. way.¡± ¡°British men don¡¯t wear flip-flops to work,¡± he says firmly. ¡°You¡¯re an Angeleno now,¡± I retort. ¡°Hardly!¡± says Luke, laughing. ¡°Well, nearly. And Minnie¡¯s definitely a mini-Angeleno. She loves coconut water. And you know she has lessons in yoga at preschool? She¡¯s two and she¡¯s doing kundalini yoga. They start by studying Sanskrit and they waft saffron scent through the air, and then the teacher asks each of them to vocalize what the session means to them.¡± ¡°What does Minnie say?¡± asks Luke, with interest. ¡°I¡¯ve only sat in on one session,¡± I admit. ¡°She said, ¡®Bum bum bum.¡¯ ¡± ¡° ¡®Bum bum bum.¡¯ ¡± Luke splutters into his drink. ¡°Our articulate child.¡± ¡°It was pretty accurate!¡± I¡¯m starting to laugh myself. ¡°They were doing downward dog. You should do kundalini yoga, too, you know,¡± I add to Luke teasingly. ¡°When you¡¯ve grown your hair down to your waist and bought a pair of baggy trousers, you¡¯ll fit in perfectly.¡± ¡°D¡¯you want to fit in perfectly, Becky?¡± As Luke holds my gaze, he seems to be asking me a bigger question. ¡°I ¡­ don¡¯t know,¡± I say. ¡°Yes. Of course. Don¡¯t you?¡± ¡°Maybe,¡± says Luke, after a pause. ¡°Strange place, this. Some bits I relate to. Others, not so much.¡± ¡°Well, everywhere¡¯s like that,¡± I point out. ¡°Remember when you did that job with those designers in Hoxton? You kept telling me how different they were from City people.¡± ¡°Touch¨¦.¡± He grins and finishes his gimlet. ¡°Had you better go and see to your client?¡± ¡°She won¡¯t be my client if I can¡¯t get that clutch bag back off Sage,¡± I say, anxiously scanning the crowds of people. ¡°Can you somehow distract Sage and I¡¯ll grab it?¡± ¡°I¡¯ll see what I can do. Come on.¡± As we start back across the ballroom, there¡¯s a booming fanfare over the loudspeaker system and a deep voice says, ¡°Ladies and gentlemen! The Actors¡¯ Society Awards are about to start. Please take your seats.¡± I¡¯m searching all around for a flash of silver, but without any joy. People are pressing back into the ballroom from outside, and it¡¯s getting pretty chock-full. And now there¡¯s a crush of photographers as some major celeb enters the room. ¡°Ladies and gentlemen!¡± comes the boomy voice again. ¡°Please take your seats for tonight¡¯s awards!¡± I feel a tap on my shoulder and wheel round sharply, hoping it¡¯s Sage. But it¡¯s Lois. ¡°Becky, I was looking for you,¡± she says in that soft voice. ¡°We were interrupted.¡± I can¡¯t reply. I¡¯m staring in shock. She¡¯s holding the Art Deco clutch. How did that happen? Page 86 ¡°Where did you get that?¡± I blurt out. ¡°It was lying on a table. You know, there was a champagne glass balanced on top of it.¡± She smiles in mock reproof. ¡°You should take better care of such a lovely thing. I have to go present an award, but I¡¯ll see you later, OK?¡± She twinkles at me, then hurries off. In a slight daze, I return to our table and sink into my seat. ¡°What happened?¡± demands Suze. ¡°You¡¯ve been ages!¡± ¡°It¡¯s OK. Luke¡¯s fine with everything and Lois has got the clutch.¡± ¡°Nicely done,¡± applauds Luke. ¡°Thanks.¡± I beam at him, finally relaxing. ¡°So, what are these awards all about?¡± I reach for the program and flip through it. ¡°Best Debut. Suze, you could win that!¡± ¡°They should have Best Background Artist,¡± says Suze, looking up from her program in dissatisfaction. ¡°We¡¯re the backbone of the film industry. Why don¡¯t we have our own Oscar? Tarkie!¡± she exclaims as he sits down. ¡°I want you to sponsor a new awards ceremony. For background actors.¡± ¡°Ahm ¡­¡± Tarquin looks wary. ¡°Maybe.¡± ¡°The big corporations don¡¯t care about us. But where would they be without the talent and commitment of the background artist?¡± Suze sounds like she¡¯s about to organize a rally. ¡°Where would their blockbusters be then? We need recognition. We need respect!¡± ¡°And you want to win a prize,¡± I put in. ¡°It¡¯s not about that,¡± she says severely. ¡°I¡¯m simply speaking out on behalf of my community.¡± ¡°But you would win a prize.¡± ¡°I might do.¡± She preens herself. ¡°We could have statues like the Oscars, but silver.¡± ¡°And call them ¡®Suzes.¡¯ ¡± ¡°Shut up!¡± She pokes me. ¡°Although actually ¡­ why not?¡± ¡°Ladies and gentlemen!¡± The deep boomy voice is back, and spotlights start circling the whole room. ¡°Welcome to this year¡¯s Actors¡¯ Society Awards. Please welcome your host, Billy Griffiss!¡± Applause breaks out as music erupts from the loudspeakers, and Billy Griffiss comes running down a set of lit-up steps, onto the stage. (I¡¯m not exactly sure who he is. Maybe a comedian.) He starts his speech, but I¡¯m only half listening. ¡°Sage!¡± says Aran, as she approaches the table, all glittery under the circling spotlights. ¡°We lost you there. You need a drink, honey?¡± ¡°I¡¯ve been searching for my purse,¡± says Sage, looking cross. ¡°I just had it. I put it down, and it was gone.¡± ¡°Never mind,¡± says Suze quickly. ¡°I don¡¯t think it went with your dress, actually.¡± ¡°And now, to present our first award, may I introduce a young lady who has done more for the share price of Kleenex than any other actor. We¡¯ve seen her on the scaffold, we¡¯ve seen her marooned in space, and now we¡¯re going to see her right here. The queen of the weepie ¡­ Miss Lois Kellerton!¡± The theme tune to Tess blasts through the loudspeakers, and Lois appears at the top of the lit-up steps. She looks slim and ethereal and beautiful ¡­ and she¡¯s holding the Art Deco bag. Shit. OK. Think. Quickly. The important thing is that Sage doesn¡¯t look at the stage and see the clutch. ¡°Sage!¡± I say wildly. ¡°I need to speak to you. Now.¡± I can see Suze clocking the silver bag in Lois¡¯s hand, and her eyes widen in comprehension. ¡°Ow!¡± Suze rubs at her chest vigorously. ¡°I don¡¯t feel great. Sage, have I got a rash? Could you look at my skin?¡± Puzzled, Sage peers at Suze¡¯s chest. ¡°You¡¯re good,¡± she says, and turns back to the stage. ¡°Sage!¡± I hurry over to her chair and kneel down, forcing her to look away from the stage. ¡°I¡¯ve had a brilliant idea for a dress! With a fishtail and a kind of ¡­ bodice ¡­¡± ¡°Sounds great.¡± Sage turns away. ¡°We¡¯ll talk about it later. I want to watch Lois mess this up.¡± ¡°And the nominees are ¡­¡± Lois is saying. She¡¯s standing at the lectern by now, and the clutch is resting on top of it in plain view. ¡°She¡¯s so skinny,¡± Sage is saying pityingly, plumping up her own cleavage. ¡°She has such a sad little body. She¡¯s¡ª¡± Her eyes suddenly narrow. ¡°Wait. Is that my purse?¡± She gasps so loudly, heads turn at the next table. ¡°Is that my purse? Did that witch steal my purse?¡± ¡°No!¡± I say hastily. ¡°It was just a mix-up, I¡¯m sure.¡­¡± Page 87 ¡°Mix-up? She stole it!¡± To my horror, Sage leaps to her feet. ¡°Give me back my purse, Lois!¡± she yells. ¡°Oh Jesus,¡± says Aran, and meets Luke¡¯s eyes. ¡°What is she doing?¡± Luke looks absolutely appalled. Lois pauses in the reading and peers uncertainly out into the audience. Sage is striding to the stage, her eyes flashing. To my disbelief, she mounts the podium, her dress sparkling under the spotlights. ¡°That¡¯s my purse,¡± she says, grabbing it off the lectern. ¡°You¡¯re a thief, Lois. A common little thief.¡± ¡°No.¡± Aran bangs his head down on the table, as all the photographers rush forward and start snapping. ¡°I didn¡¯t steal anything.¡± Lois looks flabbergasted. ¡°This was given to me by my stylist, Rebecca.¡± ¡°She gave it to me,¡± Sage retorts, opening it up. ¡°Oh, look. My phone. My lipstick. My lucky charm. Now are you going to tell me this is your purse?¡± Lois stares in bewilderment at Sage¡¯s stuff. Then she glances up, her eyes huge and anxious. ¡°I was given it,¡± she said. ¡°I don¡¯t understand.¡± My legs trembling, I rise to my feet and call out, ¡°It¡¯s my fault! I promised it to both of you! I¡¯m really sorry ¡­¡± But no one takes any notice, even though I¡¯m waving my arms, trying to get their attention. ¡°Now, ladies, I¡¯m sure this is just a misunderstanding,¡± Billy Griffiss is saying. ¡°It reminds me of the calendar thief. Did you hear about him? He got twelve months and they say his days are numbered.¡± He laughs loudly at his own joke, but if he¡¯s hoping for anyone to join in, he¡¯s out of luck. Everyone is watching Sage, riveted. Two guys in headsets have approached her, but she keeps batting them off. ¡°Excuse me?¡± I try waving my arms again. ¡°Sage?¡± ¡°People should know the truth about you, Lois,¡± she spits. ¡°You act so high and mighty, but you¡¯re nothing but a criminal. You¡¯re a thief! You¡¯re a shoplifter!¡± There¡¯s a shocked murmuring from the audience at this. Someone shouts, ¡°Boo!¡± and someone else, ¡°Get her off!¡± ¡°Now, now.¡± Billy Griffiss sounds pretty shocked too. ¡°I think that¡¯s enough¡ª¡± ¡°It¡¯s true! She¡¯s a shoplifter! From ¡­ Pump!, wasn¡¯t it, Lois?¡± Lois looks like she wants to throw up. ¡°There¡¯s CCTV footage,¡± says Sage in satisfaction. ¡°Take a look.¡± ¡°You don¡¯t know what you¡¯re talking about,¡± says Lois in a trembling voice. ¡°Yes, I do. Becky saw her. Becky, you saw Lois shoplifting, didn¡¯t you? Tell them! This is the witness!¡± She gestures theatrically at me. I¡¯m still on my feet, so I¡¯m totally identifiable. In one instant, everyone in the room seems to have turned to look at me. Photographers are pointing their cameras this way. A few flashes are already going off, and I blink. ¡°You saw Lois shoplifting, didn¡¯t you?¡± says Sage, her voice rising clearly through the room, her smile curving cruelly. ¡°Tell them, Becky. Tell the truth.¡± Blood is rushing in my ears like a freight train. I can¡¯t think properly. The whole world is looking at me and I need to decide what to do and I¡¯m too confused and the seconds are ticking by.¡­ I¡¯ve lied plenty of times in my life. I¡¯ve said my leg was broken when it wasn¡¯t. I¡¯ve said I had glandular fever when I didn¡¯t. I¡¯ve said my boots cost ¡ê100 when it was actually ¡ê250. But those were lies about me. I¡¯ve never lied about someone else. I can¡¯t tell the world Lois is a shoplifter. But I can¡¯t tell the world she isn¡¯t a shoplifter. ¡°I ¡­¡± I glance desperately at Lois. ¡°I ¡­ No comment.¡± I sink down in my chair, feeling ill. ¡°That proves it!¡± Sage crows. ¡°Look at the CCTV footage! Becky saw it all. She¡¯s your witness. Get her on the stand!¡± She curtsies to the audience and sweeps off the stage. Aran and Luke are just staring at each other, aghast. ¡°Becky.¡± Luke reaches over and squeezes my hand hard. ¡°Are you OK?¡± ¡°Yes. No.¡± I swallow. ¡°What was I supposed to do?¡± ¡°It was an impossible situation.¡± Luke¡¯s mouth is tight with anger. ¡°A situation you shouldn¡¯t have been put in.¡± ¡°They¡¯re coming.¡± Aran glances up at the photographers heading our way. He gives me a sympathetic look. ¡°Watch out, girl. Your life just changed forever.¡± Page 88 ¡°Becky!¡± A journalist is holding out a voice recorder at me. ¡°Becky! Did you see Lois stealing?¡± ¡°Did you catch her in the act?¡± chimes in another. ¡°Becky, look this way, please!¡± ¡°This way, please, Becky!¡± ¡°Leave her alone!¡± commands Luke furiously, but the crowd of press is getting even bigger. ¡°Becky! To your right, please!¡± I¡¯ve always wondered what it¡¯s like to be in the glare of the paparazzi. Now I know. It¡¯s like being in a thunderstorm. It¡¯s all white light and noise and whooshing in my ears. Voices are calling at me from all directions. I don¡¯t know which way to look or what to do. All I¡¯m aware of is my name, being shouted out, over and over. ¡°Becky!¡± ¡°Becky!¡± ¡°Beckeeeeeee!¡± I suppose in the old days, we would have waited for the first editions to come out. We might even have got some sleep. But this is the twenty-four-hour Internet age. The news was right there, instantly. It¡¯s 6:00 A.M. now, and none of us has been to bed. I¡¯ve read about two hundred different pieces online. I can¡¯t stop. The headlines have been changing every hour, as more bits of news filter in: Lois is ¡°Shoplifter¡±!!! ASA ceremony disrupted Sage accuses Lois of theft, interrupts awards Store assistant confirms shoplifting, police ¡°pressing no charges as yet¡± Sage: I feel betrayed by former friend And there¡¯s a whole load just about me. Witness Becky ¡°saw everything¡± Becky ¡°may testify in court¡± Stars fight over bag from stylist Becky They just go on and on. The most extraordinary one is this one I found on a gossip site: Becky ¡°drank cocktails¡± before row, bartender reports I mean, for God¡¯s sake. What does that have to do with anything? They might as well write LOIS AND SAGE VISITED BATHROOM ON DAY OF ROW. They probably will write that. We¡¯ve all given up saying how bizarre it is. Suze and Tarkie are on the sofa with all the children, eating cornflakes and watching the coverage on E!, which is basically a loop of Sage screaming at Lois and a shot of me looking bewildered. I¡¯ve seen it about forty-seven times. I don¡¯t need to see it any more. Luke and Aran are in the kitchen, talking grimly. Somehow they persuaded Sage to stop giving interviews, go home, and promise to go to bed. Aran delivered her personally into the care of her housekeeper, handed over a huge tip, and said, ¡°This girl needs to sleep.¡± But I bet she¡¯s stayed up all night too. I bet she loves it. As for Lois, I have no idea. Her people surrounded her and hustled her out of the place almost instantly. It was like seeing a caged animal again. Every time I think of it, my insides squirm with guilt. ¡°Want watch Barney!¡± Minnie barges into me, interrupting my thoughts. ¡°Want watch Barney, not Mummy. Not Mummy,¡± she repeats disparagingly. I suppose it is a bit boring, watching your mother on a loop on the TV when you were hoping for a big purple dinosaur. ¡°Come on.¡± I lift her up, all cozy in her rabbit dressing gown and slippers. ¡°Let¡¯s find you Barney.¡± I settle her upstairs, watching Barney on our bed with a bowl of sugar-free spelt puffs. (Totally tasteless but, unbelievably, her favorite snack. She really is becoming a child of L.A.) Then I pull back the curtains and do a double take. There¡¯s a camera crew outside our gates. An actual camera crew! The next minute I hear the entrance buzzer sounding. Someone¡¯s pressing it, over and over. I bolt along the landing and start running down the stairs, but Luke is at the bottom, waiting for me. ¡°Don¡¯t answer it!¡± he says. ¡°Aran will take care of it.¡± He shepherds me away from the door, into the kitchen. ¡°You¡¯re going to have to keep a very low profile over the next few days,¡± he says. ¡°Which is boring, but that¡¯s how these things go. We¡¯ll draft a statement and release it midmorning.¡± ¡°Becky!¡± I can hear a man¡¯s faint voice from outside. ¡°Becky, we want to offer you an exclusive!¡± ¡°Should I maybe give an interview?¡± I turn to Luke. ¡°Like, make things clear?¡± ¡°No!¡± says Luke, as though the idea is anathema. ¡°A statement is enough. We don¡¯t want to feed the frenzy. The more you give them, the more they¡¯ll want. Coffee?¡± ¡°Thanks. I just need to ¡­ get my lip gloss.¡­¡± I dart into the hall again and run halfway up the stairs. There¡¯s a window from where I can see out to the front, and I peer through the glass. Aran is at the gates, talking to the camera crew. He¡¯s laughing and looks relaxed and even high-fives one of them. I can¡¯t imagine Luke behaving like that. Page 89 ¡°Sorry, guys,¡± I hear him say, and then he turns back toward the house. ¡°I¡¯ll let you know as soon as I can.¡± ¡°Aran!¡± I say, as the front door opens. ¡°What¡¯s going on?¡± I walk back down the stairs to talk to him. ¡°Oh, nothing much.¡± He smiles easily. ¡°World¡¯s press descending, same old same old.¡± ¡°And they want to interview me?¡± ¡°They sure do.¡± ¡°What did you say to them?¡± ¡°I said, ¡®Don¡¯t scratch the gates, you miserable bloodsucking lowlife.¡¯ ¡± I can¡¯t help smiling. Aran seems so relaxed about things. The buzzer sounds again and he peers out of a side window. ¡°What do you know,¡± he observes. ¡°ABC just turned up. This story is going mainstream.¡± ¡°Luke says I should stay inside and ignore them,¡± I venture. ¡°And we¡¯ll give out a statement later.¡± ¡°If you want this to go away, that¡¯s the best thing you can do,¡± he says, in neutral tones. ¡°Totally. Keep your head down and they¡¯ll get bored.¡± I can sense a ¡°but¡± hovering in the air. I look at him questioningly and he shrugs noncommittally. He¡¯s not going to say a single word more unless I press him, is he? I walk a little way off, in the opposite direction from the kitchen, and wait for Aran to follow me. ¡°But?¡± I say, and Aran sighs. ¡°Becky, you¡¯re Luke¡¯s wife. I¡¯m not here to advise you.¡± ¡°But?¡± ¡°It all depends on what you want. And what Luke wants.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know what I want,¡± I say, confused. ¡°I don¡¯t even know what you mean.¡± ¡°OK. Let me explain.¡± He seems to marshal his thoughts. ¡°I¡¯ve watched you trying to make it in Hollywood as a stylist. Without a whole lot of success, right?¡± ¡°Right,¡± I say reluctantly. ¡°You know what people need to make it in Hollywood? They need heat. Right now, you have heat. All that attention, that buzz ¡­¡± He gestures out to the front. ¡°That¡¯s heat. And call me an environmentalist, but I don¡¯t like to see heat go to waste.¡± ¡°Right.¡± I nod uncertainly. ¡°Me neither.¡± ¡°Whether you like it or not, getting ahead in this place isn¡¯t about talent or hard work. OK, maybe ten percent is talent.¡± He spreads his hands. ¡°The other ninety percent is catching a lucky break. So here¡¯s your choice. You can see last night as a weird little moment to hush up and move on from¡ªor you can see it as the luckiest break you ever caught.¡± He focuses on me, his eyes suddenly intense. ¡°Becky, last night was providence giving you a FastPass. You can jump to the head of the line if you want to. You can go the distance. Do you want to?¡± I stare back, utterly mesmerized by his words. I can jump to the head of the line? Go the distance? Why on earth wouldn¡¯t I want to do that? ¡°Yes!¡± I stutter. ¡°Of course I do! But¡ªbut what do you mean, exactly? What should I do?¡± ¡°We can make a plan. We can use this heat. But you have to know what you¡¯re getting into. You have to be prepared to see it through.¡± ¡°You mean use the media?¡± I say hesitantly. ¡°Do interviews?¡± ¡°Channel the energy, is all I¡¯m saying. Your profile just went through the roof, but the world knows you as Becky Brandon, Witness to a Shoplifting. How about if you transformed that into Becky Brandon, Celebrity Stylist? Becky Brandon, Hollywood¡¯s Fashion Maven. Becky Brandon, the Go-To Girl for a Great Look. We can brand you any way we like.¡± I stare back at him, too dazzled to speak. Brand? Celebrity stylist? Me? ¡°You know that bag you picked out is all over the Internet?¡± he adds. ¡°Do you realize how hot you are right now? And if it goes to court, they¡¯ll be all over you. You¡¯ll be the star witness and, believe me, the world will be watching.¡± I feel a fresh tingle of excitement. Star witness! I¡¯ll have to have a whole new wardrobe! I¡¯ll wear little Jackie O. suits every day. And I¡¯ll straighten my hair. No, I¡¯ll put my hair up. Yes! Maybe I could have a different style every day, and people will call me the Girl with the Amazing Updos, and¡ª ¡°Are you starting to realize what you have here?¡± Aran interrupts my thoughts. ¡°People would kill for this exposure.¡± ¡°Yes, but ¡­¡± I try to calm my whirling thoughts. ¡°What do I do? Now? Today?¡± ¡°Well.¡± Aran sounds suddenly more businesslike. ¡°We sit down and we make a plan. I can pull in some colleagues, you¡¯ll need an agent¡ª¡± Page 90 ¡°Stop!¡± I say, as reality swoops in. ¡°This is all too fast.¡± I lower my voice a little. ¡°Don¡¯t you understand, everything you¡¯re saying, it¡¯s the exact opposite of what Luke was saying. He wants it all to go away.¡± ¡°Sure.¡± Aran nods. ¡°Becky, what you have to remember is, Luke doesn¡¯t see you as a client. He sees you as his wife. He¡¯s very protective of you and Minnie. Of course he is. Me? I see everyone as a client. Or potential client.¡± He grins. ¡°We can discuss that later.¡± The buzzer sounds again and I jump. ¡°Leave it,¡± says Aran. ¡°Let them wait.¡± ¡°So, what will all this mean for Sage?¡± ¡°Sage!¡± He gives a short bark of a laugh. ¡°If that girl goes any further off the rails, she¡¯ll find herself in the ravine. She¡¯ll be OK. We¡¯ll haul her back on track, Luke and I. She¡¯ll kick and scream and it won¡¯t be pretty. But, then, nothing about Sage is. Except her face. When she¡¯s been in makeup,¡± he adds. ¡°You don¡¯t want to see her before that.¡± He grimaces. ¡°Brutal.¡± ¡°Rubbish!¡± I give a shocked giggle. ¡°She¡¯s beautiful!¡± ¡°If you say so.¡± He raises his slanty eyebrows comically. He¡¯s so irreverent and so unruffled. It¡¯s like he¡¯s enjoying all of this. I gaze at him, trying to work him out. ¡°You don¡¯t seem as angry about all this as Luke. Hasn¡¯t Sage messed up your strategy?¡± ¡°Quite possibly. But I like a challenge.¡± He shrugs. ¡°Stars are like any other investment. May go up, may go down.¡± ¡°And Lois? Do you think this will ¡­¡± I can hardly bear to say it. ¡°Ruin her?¡± I feel a fresh clench of guilt in my stomach. If I¡¯d just kept my mouth closed. If I¡¯d just kept my promise. I¡¯m haunted by the sight of Lois swaying in shock on the stage. She looked so desperate. And it was all my fault. ¡°Depends how she plays it,¡± says Aran cheerily. ¡°She¡¯s a bright one, Lois. I wouldn¡¯t put it past her to come out on top.¡± I can¡¯t believe he¡¯s so heartless. ¡°Didn¡¯t you see her?¡± I exclaim. ¡°She looked like she was about to collapse! I thought she was going to faint right there on the stage!¡± ¡°Probably didn¡¯t eat enough at dinner.¡± Aran¡¯s phone buzzes. ¡°I must go. But we¡¯ll talk. And Becky ¡­¡± He gives me a significant look. ¡°Don¡¯t leave it too long. Remember, if you want to capitalize on this moment, you need the heat. And the heat won¡¯t last forever. Hi,¡± he says into the phone. ¡°Wait! Aran.¡± I lower my voice and glance toward the kitchen. ¡°If you were going to give me some advice on how to play it today ¡­ what would it be?¡± ¡°Hold on a moment,¡± says Aran into the phone, and comes back toward me. ¡°I¡¯m not advising you officially, you understand, Becky.¡± He also glances toward the kitchen. ¡°I understand,¡± I practically whisper. ¡°But if I had a client in your situation who wished to make the most of her exposure, I¡¯d advise her to be seen. Get out there. Don¡¯t say anything. Stay dignified, pleasant, going about your daily business. But be seen. Be photographed. And think about what you wear,¡± he adds. ¡°Be casual but cool. Make your outfit a talking point.¡± ¡°OK,¡± I say breathlessly. ¡°Thanks.¡± While Aran takes his call, I head to the window on the stairs again and peep out. There are more press gathered outside the gates. Waiting for me. I¡¯m hot! Aran¡¯s words keep going round my head. I mean, he¡¯s right. All this time I¡¯ve been trying to make it in Hollywood, and now here¡¯s a golden opportunity, right in my lap, and if I don¡¯t take advantage of it I may never have the chance again.¡­ ¡°Becky?¡± Luke¡¯s voice makes me jump. ¡°Made you that cup of coffee.¡± ¡°Thanks,¡± I say, and smile nervously at him as I take it. ¡°This is all a bit weird, isn¡¯t it?¡± I gesture to the crowd of journalists. ¡°Don¡¯t worry. It¡¯ll all die down.¡± Luke gives me a quick hug. ¡°Why don¡¯t you and Minnie and the others watch movies in the basement? Then you don¡¯t even have to see them.¡± ¡°Right,¡± I say after a pause. ¡°Yes. We could do that.¡± I glance out of the window again. I can see a camera with NBC on it. NBC! My mobile rings yet again, and I pull it out, expecting to see Unknown Number. I¡¯ve already had about six journalists leaving messages on the phone today; God knows where they got my number from¡ª Page 91 But it¡¯s not a journalist, it¡¯s Mum. ¡°It¡¯s Mum!¡± I exclaim as Luke walks away to take another call. ¡°At last! Hi, Mum. I¡¯ve been trying to get in touch with you all night! Where are you?¡± ¡°I¡¯m in the car! I told you about our mini-break with Janice and Martin, didn¡¯t I? The Lake District. No signal. But lovely views, although the hotel was a little chilly. We had to ask for extra blankets, but they couldn¡¯t have been more charming about it¡ª¡± ¡°Right.¡± I try to get a word in. ¡°Er, Mum, something¡¯s happened¡ª¡± ¡°I know!¡± says Mum triumphantly. ¡°We¡¯d just got on to the M1 when I had a call from someone at the Daily World. She asked, ¡®Do you know your daughter has been causing a sensation in Hollywood?¡¯ Well! I said I had no idea but it didn¡¯t surprise me. I always knew you¡¯d be a sensation. Janice has just found a picture of you on her smartphone. We¡¯ve all had a look. Lovely frock. Where did you get that, love?¡± ¡°Mum, you didn¡¯t talk to them, did you? Only Luke says not to speak to the press. Just ring off.¡± ¡°I wasn¡¯t going to ring off!¡± says Mum indignantly. ¡°I wanted to hear all about it, for a start. Such a pleasant girl. She gave me every detail.¡± ¡°How long did you talk for?¡± ¡°Ooh, I¡¯d say ¡­ How long was I on the phone, Janice? About forty minutes?¡± ¡°Forty minutes?¡± I echo, aghast. There¡¯s Luke saying, ¡°Don¡¯t speak to the press,¡± and even Aran advising me, ¡°Don¡¯t say anything,¡± and now Mum has given an in-depth interview to the Daily World. ¡°Well, don¡¯t say any more!¡± I instruct her. ¡°Not till you speak to Luke anyway.¡± ¡°She wanted to know if you¡¯d ever shoplifted yourself,¡± says Mum. ¡°The idea! I said absolutely never, unless you count the time you came home from Hamleys with six pairs of dollies¡¯ shoes in your pockets. But you were only three, bless you. We sent them back in an envelope, remember?¡± ¡°You didn¡¯t tell her that!¡± I wail. God knows what they¡¯ll write now. ¡°Mum, can I speak to Dad? Is he driving?¡± ¡°No, Martin¡¯s doing this stretch. I¡¯ll put you on.¡± There¡¯s a scuffling noise, then I hear my father¡¯s voice, deep and reassuring. ¡°How¡¯s my little Becky? Plunged into another kerfuffle, I see! Are the media stationed outside your house as we speak?¡± ¡°Pretty much.¡± ¡°Ah. Well, you know the only thing worse than being talked about, don¡¯t you?¡± ¡°Not being talked about,¡± I answer, with a smile. Dad always has some little saying for each occasion. ¡°If you need us to fly over and give you our support, I¡¯m sure your mother will be only too happy to buy a new outfit for the occasion.¡± ¡°Dad!¡± I can¡¯t help laughing. ¡°Seriously, Becky.¡± His voice changes. ¡°Are you all right? And Minnie?¡± ¡°We¡¯re fine.¡± ¡°Because we will come, if you need us. The next flight we can.¡± ¡°I know,¡± I say, touched. ¡°Don¡¯t worry, Dad. But can you stop Mum talking to the press?¡± ¡°I¡¯ll do my best,¡± he says. ¡°Now, apart from foiling shoplifters and becoming a global media sensation, is life all right in Hollywood? Sun not too warm? Sky not too blue?¡± ¡°It¡¯s all fine.¡± I laugh again. ¡°I don¡¯t suppose you¡¯ve had a chance to look up that old friend of mine?¡± Damn. Damn. I totally meant to do that. This is the second time he¡¯s had to remind me. I feel terrible. ¡°Dad, I¡¯m really sorry,¡± I say. ¡°It just slipped my mind. But I will, I promise.¡­¡± ¡°Darling, please don¡¯t worry! You¡¯re very busy. I know that.¡± He¡¯s so understanding, I feel worse than ever. ¡°I¡¯ll do it,¡± I say. ¡°I absolutely promise.¡± As I put the phone down, I¡¯m thinking hard. I can see another news van pulling up outside the gates, and Aran¡¯s words are running through my brain: Don¡¯t leave it too long. The heat won¡¯t last forever. ¡°Your parents OK?¡± says Luke, coming back into the hall. ¡°Yes, fine. Except my mother gave an interview to the Daily World. It¡¯s OK,¡± I add quickly at his appalled expression. ¡°I¡¯ve told her not to say any more.¡± ¡°Right, well.¡± He sighs. ¡°Can¡¯t be helped. Now, I¡¯ve drafted a statement, which I think we should release in an hour or two. I¡¯ll send it over to Aran¡¯s legal team, check for any holes. If you don¡¯t want to watch a movie, why don¡¯t you go and have a nice bath?¡± he adds. ¡°Take your mind off things.¡± Page 92 ¡°Actually, I have to go out,¡± I say, trying to sound casual. ¡°Out?¡± Luke stares at me as though I¡¯m insane. ¡°What do you mean, out?¡± ¡°I have to do something for my father. I have to look up his old friend Brent Lewis. Remember, he asked me to?¡± ¡°Well, yes, I do, but ¡­ now?¡± ¡°Why not now?¡± I say, a little defiantly. ¡°Because, look at that rabble!¡± expostulates Luke, gesturing at the window. ¡°If you set foot outside the gates, they¡¯ll descend on you!¡± ¡°Well, maybe I don¡¯t care! Maybe it¡¯s more important to me to do this favor for my father. Why should the press stop me leading my normal life?¡± I¡¯m getting quite stirred up here. ¡°Why should I be trapped in my own home? What am I, a prisoner?¡± ¡°Hardly a prisoner,¡± says Luke impatiently. ¡°I simply think that, just for today¡ª¡± ¡°I made my father a promise, Luke!¡± I say, in an impassioned voice. ¡°I¡¯m going to see that promise through, whatever it takes. And no one¡¯s going to stop me, not the press, not you, not anyone!¡± ¡°Fine,¡± says Luke at last. ¡°Whatever. If you really insist on doing this, then just get straight in the car and drive out. Don¡¯t talk to the press.¡± ¡°I won¡¯t,¡± I say. ¡°Even if they try to get a rise out of you, ignore them.¡± He shakes his head. ¡°Becky, I still think you should stay inside.¡± ¡°Luke,¡± I say, my voice quivering a little. ¡°You don¡¯t understand. I have to do this. For my father. For myself. And for all of us.¡± Before he can ask what I mean by that (I have no idea), I head up the stairs, feeling all noble, like a prince about to go into battle. Which, actually, this kind of is. And the point is: I have to win. This is my chance. My big, Hollywood, one-in-a-million, photo-opportunity chance. Oh my God. What am I going to wear? OK. It took me an hour and three mirrors and about two hundred pictures on my phone, but I¡¯ve finally worked out the perfect, casual-but-cool outfit for facing the press. My most flattering white Stella McCartney cropped trousers with the little zips. Killer heels by D&G and a bright pink shell top from J.Crew, which will really stand out. And the pi¨¨ce de r¨¦sistance: these stunning oversize sunglasses, which I found in the same shop where I bought the diamant¨¦ clutch bag. They¡¯re vintage Missoni, and the frames are pink and green swirls. You can¡¯t miss them. They¡¯ll definitely be a talking point. What I must do is make sure I stand in a flattering way as I¡¯m opening the car door. Yes. And say things like, Please leave me alone; no press, please; I¡¯m just going about my day. I take out my Velcro rollers, give my lips a final touch-up, and examine my reflection. OK. Good. I must get out there quickly, before the press get bored and decide to leave. Luke has already gone out with Aran to see Sage, and I heard the journalists all shouting as they drove away. And now it¡¯s my turn! I feel like a gladiator about to go into the ring. I tracked down an address for Brent Lewis after about six phone calls. Of course his family doesn¡¯t live at the address Dad gave me. But someone there had a number for his mother, and someone at that number said she¡¯d moved to Pasadena, and there they said she¡¯d gone to Florida, and so it went on, till I discovered that she actually died seven years ago. But by then I¡¯d also been given a number for a sister called Leah, and through her I finally got an address for Brent¡ªsomewhere called the Shining Hill Home Estate, off San Fernando Road. I¡¯ve looked on the map, and it¡¯s in an area of L.A. I¡¯ve never been to before. But that¡¯s fine. I¡¯ve got satnav. Minnie is playing some very disorganized ball game with the Cleath-Stuarts in the basement. I put my head round the door and say casually, ¡°I¡¯m just running an errand. See you later.¡± ¡°Mine sunglasses,¡± says Minnie at once, clocking the vintage Missonis. ¡°Miiiiiiine.¡± ¡°Minnie!¡± I say sternly. ¡°We don¡¯t say ¡®Mine¡¯!¡± ¡°Please,¡± she amends at once. ¡°Pleeeeeeease!¡± ¡°No, darling.¡± I give her a kiss. ¡°They¡¯re Mummy¡¯s.¡± ¡°Pleeeeease!¡± She makes a determined swipe for them. ¡°You have ¡­ er ¡­¡± I cast around and find a toy handbag, which I give to her. ¡°This.¡± Minnie looks at it disdainfully. ¡°So over,¡± she enunciates carefully, and throws it on the floor. Oh my God. Did Minnie just say ¡°so over¡±? I meet Suze¡¯s eyes and we both give shocked giggles. Page 93 ¡°I didn¡¯t teach her that,¡± I say. ¡°Nor did I!¡± says Suze. I glance at Clemmie¡ªbut she¡¯s happily playing in an undershirt with one of Minnie¡¯s skirts on her head. The Cleath-Stuart children wouldn¡¯t have the first idea what ¡°so over¡± meant. ¡°It was Ora,¡± I say with sudden conviction. ¡°She¡¯s a bad influence on Minnie. I knew it!¡± ¡°You don¡¯t know it!¡± objects Suze. ¡°It could have been anyone.¡± ¡°I bet it was her. Minnie, this bag is not over.¡± I pick the bag up and hand it back to her. ¡°It¡¯s a timeless classic. And we don¡¯t throw our bags on the floor, even if they are over.¡± ¡°Where are you going?¡± Suze is looking me up and down. ¡°Nice shoes.¡± ¡°Just looking up this guy for my dad.¡± ¡°You know the place is still crawling with journalists?¡± ¡°Yes.¡± I try to sound nonchalant. ¡°Never mind. I¡¯ll just have to ¡­ er ¡­ ignore them.¡± Suze gives me a sharp look. ¡°Bex, have you curled your hair?¡± ¡°No!¡± I say defensively. ¡°I mean ¡­ a bit. Just to put some body in. Is there anything wrong with that?¡± Her eyes focus on my face. ¡°Are you wearing false eyelashes?¡± ¡°Just a couple,¡± I say, flustered. ¡°What is this, the third degree? Anyway, I have to go and run this errand. See you!¡± I turn and rush up the stairs. At the front door I take three deep breaths, then push it open. Here we go. Celebrityville, here I come. At once, a barrage of voices hits me. ¡°Becky! Beckeee! This way!¡± ¡°Becky, have you been in touch with Lois?¡± ¡°Have you spoken to the police?¡± ¡°Becky! This way!¡± Oh my God. There are twice as many journalists as there were before. The gates¡ªtall, with iron bars and swirls¡ªare about twenty meters away from the front door and there are camera lenses pointing at me through every gap. Just for an instant I want to duck back inside the house¡ªbut it¡¯s too late now. I¡¯m out. The thing about having lots of photographers pointing their cameras at you is, they might take a picture at any time. I have to do everything in a flattering way. Sucking in my stomach and throwing my shoulders back, I make my way slowly toward the car, trying to ignore all the shouts. ¡°Becky, can we have an interview?¡± one man keeps yelling. ¡°I¡¯m just going about my daily life,¡± I call, tossing my hair back. ¡°Thank you.¡± My car keys are in my pocket and I manage to get them out in a seamless move. I open the car door¡ªmaking sure that my legs are crossed over in a Victoria Beckham¨Ctype pose¡ªthen get in. I close the car door and exhale. There. Done. Except ¡­ What if none of them got a good shot? Should I have gone closer to the gates? Should I have walked more slowly? This is my one chance to be photographed by the world¡¯s press in an iconic, defining picture that will be a talking point and launch my career as a Hollywood stylist. I think I need to get out of the car and do it again. I ponder hard for a few seconds, then open the car door and get out, as elegantly as I can. Trying to look as though I¡¯m ignoring the photographers, I stroll right to the front of the drive and start to examine a hedge intently. ¡°Becky! Beckee! This way!¡± ¡°No press,¡± I say, smoothing down my hair. ¡°No press, thank you. I¡¯m just going about my daily business.¡± Casually, I take off my sunglasses and do my best pouty, sucked-in-cheeks expression. I swivel this way and that a few times, swinging my arms. Maybe I should open the gates, so they get a better view of my shoes. I zap the gates, and they slowly start to swing open. ¡°Becky!¡± A woman is waving a microphone in my direction. ¡°Sharon Townsend, NBC. Tell us about seeing Lois shoplifting!¡± ¡°Please respect my privacy,¡± I say. ¡°I¡¯m just going about my daily business.¡± A brilliant new idea hits me, and I head over to the car. I heave myself up onto the bonnet, adopt a casual pose, and get out my phone: I can be having a phone call in my own drive, while sitting on my car! What could be more natural than that? ¡°Hi,¡± I say into the phone. ¡°Yes. Absolutely.¡± I cross my legs at a more flattering angle and gesticulate animatedly with my sunglasses. ¡°I know. Awful.¡± The sound of cameras snapping is getting more and more frantic. I can¡¯t help beaming with exhilaration. It¡¯s really happening! I¡¯m famous! ¡°Becky, who are your shoes by?¡± someone yells. Page 94 ¡°Please don¡¯t intrude on my life,¡± I reply graciously. ¡°I¡¯m just going about my daily business.¡± I lift up my feet, so everyone can see the cool silver heels, and turn them from side to side. ¡°They¡¯re by Yves Saint Laurent,¡± I hear a woman say. ¡°No, they¡¯re not!¡± I forget my plan to say nothing and hurry toward the open gates. ¡°They¡¯re Dolce and Gabbana. My top is J.Crew, and my trousers are Stella McCartney. And my sunglasses are vintage Missoni.¡± Should I add, I¡¯m available for styling at reasonable prices, please inquire within, no job too small? No. Too much. ¡°What¡¯s your message to Lois?¡± A cluster of microphones arrives right in front of my nose. ¡°Who did the clutch bag really belong to, Becky?¡± ¡°Were there drugs in the bag? Is Lois an addict?¡± OK, this is getting out of hand. ¡°Thank you so much,¡± I say, a little shrilly. ¡°I¡¯m just going about my daily business. I have an important errand to run. Thank you for respecting my privacy.¡± Suddenly I remember about posture. I adjust my legs so they¡¯ll look thinner and put one hand on my hip like a supermodel. ¡°What about your phone call?¡± says a sardonic-looking guy in jeans. Oh yes. The phone call. I¡¯d forgotten about that. ¡°Er ¡­ bye, then!¡± I say into the phone, and hastily put it away. ¡°Thank you,¡± I add to the journalists. ¡°Thank you so much. No press, please.¡± Feeling a little hassled, I head toward the car, get out my keys, and immediately drop them on the ground. Damn. No way am I stooping down in front of a bank of cameras, so I cautiously bend my knees as though in a curtsy, keep my back dead straight, and manage to hoick the keys up. I sink into the car, start the engine, and carefully drive forward. The mob of journalists parts to let the car out, but the flashes and shouts keep coming, and someone even bangs on the roof. As I finally escape, I sink back and exhale. That was only five minutes and I¡¯m exhausted. How do celebrities do it? Anyway. The point is, I did it. Ten minutes later, my heart has stopped thumping and I¡¯m feeling rather pleased with myself. I¡¯m driving along the Hollywood Freeway, saying aloud, ¡°Drive on the right. Drive on the right,¡± and my satnav is telling me to keep going straight on. Which is handy, as I¡¯m not in the correct lane to turn off. The whizzy no-hands car phone suddenly buzzes with Luke¡¯s number, and I press green for ANSWER. ¡°Sweetheart. Hi. Did you get out OK?¡± ¡°Yes, all good,¡± I say. ¡°I¡¯m on the road.¡± ¡°The press weren¡¯t too aggressive?¡± ¡°Er ¡­ no! They were fine.¡± ¡°And you just got straight in the car and drove away?¡± ¡°Pretty much.¡± I clear my throat. ¡°I mean, they might have got a few shots of me.¡­¡± ¡°I¡¯m sure you did brilliantly, darling. It¡¯s not easy, keeping your cool when you¡¯re surrounded by cameras.¡± ¡°How¡¯s Sage?¡± ¡°Manic,¡± says Luke. ¡°She¡¯s had lots of offers already, and she wants to say yes to all of them.¡± ¡°Offers of what?¡± ¡°You name it. Interviews, film roles, nude magazine spreads, endorsement campaigns. All what you might call low rent. Very much not what our strategy was all about. Not that she can see that.¡± He sounds so exasperated, I want to giggle. I should imagine Sage Seymour is a bit of a change, after he¡¯s been used to dealing with sensible businessmen in suits. ¡°Well, good luck!¡± ¡°You too. See you later.¡± I ring off and then dial Dad¡¯s number. ¡°Becky?¡± ¡°Hi, Dad! Listen, I¡¯m going to see your friend Brent. I¡¯m in the car right now.¡± ¡°Darling!¡± Dad sounds surprised. ¡°That was quick. I didn¡¯t mean for you to drop everything.¡± ¡°It¡¯s no trouble,¡± I say. ¡°He¡¯s based somewhere called the Shining Hill Home Estate; does that sound right?¡± ¡°Sounds rather grand!¡± says Dad. ¡°That¡¯ll be right. I¡¯m sure he¡¯s done very well for himself. He probably lives in a mansion.¡± ¡°Really?¡± I say, my interest piqued a little. ¡°What does he do?¡± ¡°I¡¯m not sure. Back then, he was a postgraduate student.¡± ¡°So how do you know he lives in a mansion?¡± I object. ¡°Oh, I¡¯m certain he¡¯s done all right for himself.¡± Dad chuckles. ¡°Let¡¯s say he was on the right path already¡ª Oh, Becky!¡± Dad interrupts himself. ¡°Mum says she found a new picture of you on her phone, on the Internet! Standing outside your house. Is that you this morning, darling?¡± Page 95 ¡°Yes!¡± I say in excitement. ¡°Have they uploaded them already? What does it say?¡± ¡°Witness Becky is pretty in pink,¡± reads Dad carefully. ¡°Brit set to testify in court.¡± That¡¯s on the National Enquirer website. National Enquirer! Pretty in pink! I feel a jolt of excitement. Although what¡¯s this about testifying in court? I never said anything about that. ¡°Do I look all right?¡± I demand. That¡¯s the main point. ¡°You look wonderful! Ah, now Mum¡¯s found another one: Becky steps out in YSL shoes.¡± For God¡¯s sake. I told them my shoes weren¡¯t Yves Saint Laurent. ¡°Darling, you¡¯re quite the celebrity!¡± says Dad. ¡°Don¡¯t forget us, will you?¡± ¡°I won¡¯t!¡± I laugh, then jump as I see Luke flash up on the screen. ¡°I¡¯d better go, Dad. Talk to you later.¡± I punch ANSWER. ¡°Hi, Luke.¡± ¡°Becky, my darling,¡± he says, in that deadpan, patient tone he uses when he¡¯s actually quite pissed off. ¡°I thought you said you walked straight to the car and got in?¡± ¡°Er ¡­ yes. Kind of.¡± ¡°So why am I looking at a picture of you on the Daily World website, sitting on the car bonnet, brandishing your sunglasses, and beaming at the camera?¡± ¡°I was making a phone call,¡± I say defensively. ¡°I just happened to sit on the car. They must have snapped me.¡± ¡°You happened to sit on the car?¡± says Luke disbelievingly. ¡°How does one happen to sit on a car?¡± ¡°I was going about my daily life,¡± I insist. ¡°It¡¯s not my fault if I¡¯m being stalked and harassed by the press.¡± ¡°Becky.¡± Luke exhales. ¡°What kind of game are you trying to play here? Because it¡¯s a dangerous one. Once you invite these people into your life, it¡¯s very difficult to shut them out again.¡± I don¡¯t want to shut them out, I think mutinously. I want to grab my chance while I¡¯m hot. But Luke wouldn¡¯t understand, because he¡¯s totally warped by his job. I¡¯ve heard his personal views before, when he¡¯s had a couple of glasses of wine. He thinks fame is overrated and privacy is the greatest luxury of the modern world and the tsunami of social media is going to lead to the permanent disintegration of human interaction. (Or something. I sometimes stop listening, to be honest.) ¡°I¡¯m not playing any game,¡± I say, trying to sound righteously indignant. ¡°I¡¯m just dealing with a situation, the best way I know how. And what you could do, Luke, is support me.¡± ¡°I am supporting you! I¡¯m advising you! I told you to stay indoors! Now you¡¯re all over the papers¡ª¡± ¡°It¡¯s for my career!¡± I say defensively. There¡¯s silence down the phone, and suddenly I realize my satnav is talking to me. ¡°Right turn not taken,¡± she¡¯s saying sternly. ¡°Make a U-turn as soon as possible.¡± Damn. I missed my exit. It¡¯s all Luke¡¯s fault. ¡°Look, I have to go,¡± I say. ¡°I need to concentrate on the road. We¡¯ll talk about it later.¡± I ring off, feeing all cross and prickly. Any other husband would be proud of his wife. I want to talk to Aran. He¡¯ll understand. ¡°Make a U-turn as soon as possible,¡± the satnav persists. ¡°All right! Shut up!¡± I really have to focus on the road. I have no idea where I am, except that I¡¯m going in the wrong direction. Truthfully, I¡¯m still a bit hazy about most of L.A. I mean, how on earth are you supposed to get to know the whole city? L.A. is so big. It¡¯s about the size of France. OK, maybe not France. Maybe Belgium. Anyway, I need to step on it. Finally I reach a point where I can U-turn. I swing the car round, ignoring the hoots from some other totally unreasonable drivers, who shouldn¡¯t have been driving so fast, and set off: this time in the right direction. Shining Hill Home Estate, here we come! As I get near my destination, I¡¯m looking out for some beautiful shining hill, but I can¡¯t see one. All I can see is a great big road with motels on either side, and lorries thundering past, and billboards. This isn¡¯t at all what I was expecting. After a while, my satnav takes me off the main road and up an even less inspiring side road, and I peer round warily. There aren¡¯t any mansions. There aren¡¯t any expensive cars. There¡¯s a crummy-looking gas station and a motel offering rooms for thirty-nine dollars. Is this really where Dad¡¯s friend lives? ¡°Destination two hundred yards ahead on the right-hand side,¡± my satnav is saying. ¡°Destination one hundred yards ahead. You have arrived at your destination.¡± Page 96 I pull up at the side of the road and stare out of the window, my jaw slack with disbelief. The satnav is right: I¡¯ve arrived at Shining Hill Home Estate. But it¡¯s not a mansion. It¡¯s a trailer park. There¡¯s a faded sign chained onto a galvanized pair of gates, and beyond it I can see rows of mobile homes stretching into the distance. I check my piece of paper again: 431 Shining Hill Home Estate. Brent Lewis must live in trailer number 431. Part of me wants to phone Dad instantly and tell him how wrong he¡¯s got it about his friend, but I decide to investigate first, so I lock the car and proceed cautiously into the trailer park. No one stops me, and I soon work out where 431 is, from a map on a board. As I make my way down a line of trailers, I get stares from some people sitting outside their mobile homes, and I can¡¯t help glancing around curiously myself. Some of the trailers are really nice-looking and well kept, with plants and pretty curtains, but some are awful. One has broken patio furniture piled high outside it, almost blocking the door. Another has the sound of screaming coming from it. Another has all its windows broken in. I arrive at number 431 and approach it. It¡¯s a very plain trailer¡ªnot run-down but not very appealing either. The door is shut and the blinds are down, and there are no signs of life. There¡¯s a piece of paper taped to the door, and I glance at it as I knock. It says: Notice of Eviction. I scan the notice, which is all about Mr. Brent Lewis of 431 Shining Hill Home Estate and his failure to pay six months¡¯ overdue rent and the steps which must therefore be taken, signed Herb Leggett, Manager. ¡°You a friend of Brent?¡± A voice hails me, and I turn to see a skinny woman standing on the steps of the trailer opposite. She¡¯s wearing black jeans with her hair thrust into a ponytail and is holding a small boy on her hip. ¡°Is Brent around?¡± I say. ¡°I¡¯m not a friend exactly, but I¡¯d like to see him.¡± ¡°You a social worker?¡± Her eyes narrow. ¡°Police?¡± ¡°No!¡± I say, shocked. ¡°Nothing like that. I¡¯m just ¡­ my dad knew him years ago.¡± ¡°You British?¡± ¡°Yes. My dad is too.¡± The woman sniffs and nods. ¡°Well, you just missed him. He took off yesterday.¡± He took off? Oh God. What¡¯s Dad going to say? ¡°Do you have a forwarding address?¡± I ask. She shrugs. ¡°Said his daughter was stopping by next week, to clear things out. I can ask her.¡± ¡°Could you?¡± I say eagerly. ¡°I¡¯m Becky Brandon; this is my number.¡­¡± I get out one of my business cards and hand it to her. ¡°If she could ring me, that would be great, or maybe you could ring me. Or ¡­¡± The woman shrugs again and tucks the card into her jeans. Immediately the small boy pulls it out and throws it on the ground. ¡°No!¡± I leap forward. ¡°I mean ¡­ let¡¯s not lose that. Shall I put it somewhere safe for you?¡± The woman shrugs yet again. I really don¡¯t have high hopes that she¡¯s going to talk to Brent¡¯s daughter. All the same, I tuck the card safely into the window frame of her door. ¡°So, I¡¯ll look forward to hearing from Brent¡¯s daughter,¡± I say as brightly as I can. ¡°Or you. Whichever. I¡¯d be really grateful. Anyway ¡­ er ¡­ lovely to meet you. I¡¯m Becky, by the way.¡± ¡°You said.¡± She nods but doesn¡¯t volunteer her own name. I can¡¯t keep babbling on at this woman, so I give her one last friendly smile and turn on my heel to leave. I still can¡¯t believe this is where Dad¡¯s friend has ended up. It¡¯s such a shame. As soon as I¡¯m on the road again, I dial Dad¡¯s number. ¡°Dad!¡± ¡°Darling! Did you see him?¡± ¡°Not exactly.¡± I wince. ¡°Dad, I¡¯m afraid you were wrong. Brent Lewis has been living in a trailer park, and now he¡¯s just been evicted because he didn¡¯t pay his rent. I couldn¡¯t get an address.¡± ¡°No. No!¡± Dad gives a short laugh. ¡°Darling, that¡¯s not right. It can¡¯t be the same Brent Lewis. I¡¯m sorry you wasted your time, but¡ª¡± ¡°Well, it was the address I got from his sister. It must be him.¡± There¡¯s a longish silence. ¡°He lives in a trailer park?¡± says Dad at last. ¡°Yes. I mean, his trailer¡¯s quite nice,¡± I say hastily. ¡°Not broken or anything. But now he¡¯s been evicted.¡± ¡°This can¡¯t be right.¡± Dad sounds almost angry. ¡°You must have got it wrong, Becky.¡± ¡°I haven¡¯t got it wrong!¡± I say, nettled. What does he think I am, an idiot? ¡°I saw the eviction notice myself. Brent C. Lewis. It didn¡¯t say what the ¡®C¡¯ was for.¡± Page 97 ¡°Constantine. He had a Greek mother.¡± ¡°Well, there you are.¡± ¡°But ¡­¡± He exhales. ¡°This is impossible.¡± ¡°Look, Dad,¡± I say kindly. ¡°It¡¯s been a long time. Who knows what happened in Brent Lewis¡¯s life? He could have gone into business, he could have had six divorces, he could have turned into a criminal¡ª¡± ¡°Becky, you don¡¯t understand,¡± he says hotly. ¡°It shouldn¡¯t have happened. This shouldn¡¯t have happened.¡± ¡°You¡¯re right, I don¡¯t understand!¡± I exclaim. ¡°If he was such a close friend of yours, why didn¡¯t you stay in touch?¡± There¡¯s silence, and I sense I¡¯ve touched a nerve. I feel a bit mean, confronting Dad like that, but, honestly, he drives me mad. First he won¡¯t use Skype or Facebook or anything normal. Then he sends me off on a wild-goose chase to see his friend, and then when I report back, he doesn¡¯t believe me. ¡°I¡¯ll text you his sister¡¯s number if you like,¡± I say. ¡°But honestly, I¡¯d just forget about it if I were you.¡± My screen starts flashing with the word Aran and I realize I¡¯ve got a call waiting. ¡°Dad, I have to go,¡± I say. ¡°We¡¯ll talk later, OK? I¡¯m sure Brent Lewis is fine,¡± I add, trying to sound reassuring. ¡°I wouldn¡¯t worry about him anymore.¡± I ring off and press ANSWER. ¡°Aran! Hi!¡± ¡°Becky.¡± His easy voice comes down the phone. ¡°How¡¯re you doing? You shaken off the paparazzi yet?¡± ¡°Just about!¡± I laugh. ¡°So, that was quite the photo-call you had this morning. Cute outfit. Great sunglasses. You made a splash. Good work.¡± ¡°Thanks!¡± I beam. I knew Aran would appreciate my efforts. ¡°As a result, the phone has been ringing off the hook.¡± ¡°Really?¡± I feel a tweak of excitement. ¡°What, like, journalists? Fashion editors?¡± ¡°Journalists, producers, all kinds of people. Like I said, you¡¯re hot. And I have a great offer for you. I took the liberty of dealing with it myself, although if you like, I can hand over everything to Luke¡ª¡± ¡°No,¡± I answer a bit too quickly. ¡°I mean ¡­ he¡¯s my husband. He¡¯s a bit too close, don¡¯t you think?¡± ¡°I agree. So, the offer is a segment on Breakfast Show USA. The producer just called, and she¡¯s very anxious to have you on the show. I told her you¡¯re a stylist and she said great. They¡¯re very happy for you to film a styling segment. New trends, new looks, whatever. We¡¯ll work out the details.¡± ¡°Oh my God.¡± I feel breathless. A styling segment on Breakfast Show USA. This is huge. This is mammoth! ¡°Now, you¡¯re going to need an agent,¡± Aran is saying. ¡°I¡¯m going to set up a meeting with our friends at CAA. My assistant will call you with the details, OK?¡± CAA! Even I know that CAA is the biggest name in Hollywood. They represent Tom Hanks. They represent Sting! I feel giddy. Never in a million years did I expect to be catapulted into all of this. ¡°Does Luke know everything?¡± A sudden thought strikes me. ¡°Sure, of course.¡± ¡°What did he say?¡± ¡°He said it¡¯s your decision.¡± ¡°Right.¡± I feel a bit hurt. It¡¯s my decision. What kind of lame response is that? Why didn¡¯t he say, My God, this is amazing, I always knew my wife would be a star? Why isn¡¯t he on the phone telling me my whole life is going to change here and he¡¯ll be with me every step of the way? ¡°So, what¡¯s your decision?¡± prompts Aran. Does he even need to ask? ¡°It¡¯s yes, of course!¡± I say joyfully. ¡°It¡¯s yes! It¡¯s a great big yes!¡± I¡¯ve never been anywhere like CAA in my life. The building is like some sort of spaceship in which all the men are from Men in Black and all the girls are from Vogue and all the sofas are from Architectural Digest. Just sitting in the lobby for five minutes was a better Hollywood experience than the entire Sedgewood Studios tour. I saw three girls from Gossip Girl, and a cool rapper guy feeding his tiny puppy with a milk dropper, and two famous TV comedians having a huge sotto voce row about something called ¡°back end,¡± while continuing to smile at a very pretty girl at reception. (I¡¯m not sure of their names. I think maybe they¡¯re both called Steve Something.) And now I¡¯m sitting in this very smart boardroom-type place, at a smooth, pale wooden table, and listening to two women talk to me. One¡¯s called Jodie and one¡¯s called Marsha, and they¡¯re both ¡°talent¡± agents. Apparently I¡¯m the ¡°talent.¡± Me! Talent! Wait till I tell Luke that. Page 98 They¡¯re very smart and very intense. They¡¯re both dressed immaculately in a sleek-navy-Prada-ish-high-maintenance sort of style. One has got a vast diamond on one finger, and I¡¯m so mesmerized by it, I can barely concentrate on what she¡¯s saying. Except I keep being jerked back to attention by words like ¡°fan base¡± and ¡°global appeal.¡± ¡°Reality,¡± says the dark-haired woman, who is either Jodie or Marsha. ¡°What¡¯s your opinion on that?¡± ¡°Er ¡­¡± I want to reply, I¡¯ve totally lost my grip on it, but I sense that¡¯s not the right answer. I sip my iced water, which is so freezing it gives me an instant headache. Why do Americans like their drinks so cold? Are they descended from Eskimos or something? Ooh, maybe they are. Maybe they migrated down from Alaska, millions of years ago. It makes total sense. Have I hit on a whole new theory of human evolution? ¡°Becky?¡± ¡°Yes!¡± I come back to the room. ¡°Definitely! Um, what exactly do you mean by reality?¡± ¡°A reality show,¡± says Jodie-or-Marsha patiently. ¡°We think we could package a great show as a vehicle for you, your family, your quirky British friends.¡­¡± ¡°You mean, cameras would be following us around the whole time?¡± ¡°It would be semi-scripted. It¡¯s less intrusive than you might think.¡± ¡°Right.¡± I try to imagine sitting in the kitchen with Luke, acting out a semi-scripted scene for the cameras. Hmm. ¡°I¡¯m not totally sure my husband would like that,¡± I say at last. ¡°But I can ask him.¡± ¡°Another format we have available is ¡®BFFs in Hollywood,¡¯ ¡± says Marsha-or-Jodie. ¡°You would be working with a young actress named Willa Tilton. The concept is, two best friends making it in Hollywood, confiding in each other, shopping for clothes, appearing on the red carpet, getting into scrapes. You would be the married one, and Willa would be the single one. I think it would have a lot of appeal.¡± ¡°I think they¡¯d work well together as best friends.¡± Jodie-or-Marsha agrees. ¡°But Willa Tilton isn¡¯t my best friend,¡± I say, confused. ¡°I¡¯ve never met her. My best friend is called Suze.¡± ¡°She would be your best friend for the camera,¡± says Marsha-or-Jodie, as though I¡¯m slightly subnormal. ¡°It¡¯s a reality show.¡± ¡°OK,¡± I say, still confused. ¡°Well, I¡¯ll think about it.¡± I take another sip of water, trying to get my head together. Somehow I can¡¯t take any of this seriously. Me? On a reality show? But as I look from Jodie to Marsha (or the other way around), I realize they¡¯re genuine. They wouldn¡¯t give me the time of day unless they meant it. ¡°In the meantime, we have the Breakfast Show USA segment,¡± says Jodie-or-Marsha, ¡°which will be very high-profile. Now, do you have an assistant?¡± ¡°No,¡± I say, and the two women exchange looks. ¡°You might think about getting yourself one,¡± says Marsha-or-Jodie. ¡°Your life is going to start feeling a little different,¡± adds Jodie-or-Marsha. ¡°Make sure you have some camera-ready outfits.¡± ¡°Consider getting your teeth whitened.¡± ¡°And you could lose a pound or two.¡± Marsha-or-Jodie smiles kindly. ¡°Just a thought.¡± ¡°Right.¡± My head is whirling. ¡°OK. Well ¡­ thanks!¡± ¡°It¡¯s a pleasure.¡± Jodie-or-Marsha pushes back her chair. ¡°Exciting, huh?¡± As I¡¯m walking along one of the museum-style corridors with an assistant called Tori (dressed head to toe in Chlo¨¦), I hear a little shriek behind me. I turn and see Sage skittering along the corridor, her arms outstretched. ¡°Beckeeeeee! I¡¯ve missed youuuuuu!¡± I blink in astonishment. Sage is wearing the skimpiest outfit I¡¯ve ever seen. Her bright-blue polka-dot top is basically a bikini top, and her tiny frayed hot pants are more like underwear. Plus, what does she mean, she¡¯s missed me? As she throws her arms around me, I inhale the smell of Marc Jacobs Grapefruit and cigarettes. ¡°It¡¯s been so long! We have so much to talk about! Are you done here? Where are you going now?¡± ¡°Just home,¡± I say. ¡°I think they¡¯re organizing me a car.¡± ¡°Noooo! Ride with me!¡± She takes out her phone and punches something into it. ¡°My driver will take you home, and we can chat.¡± ¡°Becky, are you OK with Sage?¡± says Tori. ¡°You don¡¯t need a car?¡± ¡°I guess not,¡± I say. ¡°But thanks.¡± Page 99 ¡°We¡¯re good now,¡± says Sage to the girl who was accompanying her. ¡°We¡¯ll see ourselves out. We have to talk!¡± Sage hits the button for the elevator and links arms with me. ¡°You are so hot right now. We¡¯re both hot,¡± she adds with satisfaction, as we get in. ¡°You know they¡¯re begging me to do Florence Nightingale? Your husband thinks I should take it. But, you know, I have a lot of propositions right now. Playboy offered me a gazillion.¡± She takes out some gum and offers it to me. ¡°Playboy?¡± ¡°I know, right?¡± She shrieks with laughter. ¡°I need to hit the gym if I¡¯m doing that.¡± I blink in surprise. She¡¯s doing it? I can¡¯t believe Luke or Aran wants Sage to do Playboy. ¡°Cute shades,¡± she adds, looking at my Missonis, which are propped up on my head. ¡°You were wearing them on Saturday, right? The press was all over them.¡± She¡¯s right. There were pictures of me in my Missonis in all the tabloids and on millions of websites. It¡¯s all so surreal. When I look at the photos, it doesn¡¯t feel like me. It feels like some other person out there, posing as ¡°Becky Brandon.¡± But that is me. Isn¡¯t it? Oh God, it¡¯s too confusing. Do celebrities ever get used to being two people, one private and one public? Or do they just forget about the private one? I¡¯d ask Sage, only I¡¯m not sure she¡¯s ever had a private life. ¡°They¡¯re so unique.¡± Sage is still fixated on my shades. ¡°Where did you get them?¡± ¡°They¡¯re vintage. You can have them, if you like,¡± I add eagerly, and hand them over. ¡°Cool!¡± Sage grabs them and puts them on, admiring her reflection in the mirrored wall of the lift. ¡°How do I look?¡± ¡°Really good.¡± I tweak her hair a bit. ¡°There. Lovely.¡± At last! I¡¯m styling a Hollywood film star, just like I wanted to in the first place. ¡°You¡¯re smart, Becky,¡± Sage says. ¡°This is a great fashion story. I¡¯m wearing the shades you had on two days ago. The press will love it. This will be everywhere.¡± That¡¯s not why I gave them to her, but I suppose she¡¯s right. I suppose she thinks about everything in terms of the press. Is that how I have to start thinking too? We emerge on the ground floor, and Sage leads me straight to a big guy in a blue blazer, who is sitting on a chair in a corner. He has Slavic features and huge shoulders and doesn¡¯t smile. ¡°This is Yuri, my new bodyguard,¡± says Sage blithely. ¡°Do you have security, Becky?¡± ¡°Me?¡± I laugh. ¡°No!¡± ¡°You should totally think about it,¡± she says. ¡°I had to hire Yuri after I got mobbed at home. You can¡¯t be too careful.¡± She glances at her watch. ¡°OK, shall we go?¡± As we head out of the building, I feel a jolt of shock. A cluster of waiting photographers immediately start calling out, ¡°Sage! This way, Sage!¡± They weren¡¯t there earlier. ¡°How did they know you¡¯d be here?¡± I say in bewilderment. ¡°You give them your schedule,¡± Sage explains in an undertone. ¡°You¡¯ll get into it.¡± She hooks her arm more firmly round mine and dimples in a smile. Her long, golden legs look amazing, and the Missoni shades clash brilliantly with her polka-dot top. ¡°Becky!¡± I hear a shout. ¡°Becky, over here, please!¡± Oh my God, I¡¯ve been recognized! ¡°Beckeee!¡± The shouts are growing into a chorus. All I can hear is, ¡°Becky! Sage! Here!¡± Sage is playfully adopting pose after pose, most with her arm around me. A couple of tourists approach, and, with a charming smile, Sage scribbles autographs for them. It takes me a moment to realize they want mine too. After a while, a blacked-out SUV appears, and Sage skips along to it, accompanied by Yuri. We get in, the photographers still clustering around us, and the driver maneuvers away. ¡°Oh my God.¡± I sink back into the leather seat. ¡°You should hire security,¡± says Sage again. ¡°You¡¯re not a civilian anymore.¡± This is unreal. I¡¯m not a civilian anymore! I¡¯m one of them! Sage is flipping though channels on the in-car TV, and she pauses as her own face comes into view, with the headline SAGE SPEAKS OUT. ¡°Hey! Check it out!¡± She cracks open a Diet Coke, offers one to me, and turns up the volume. ¡°I feel personally betrayed by Lois,¡± the on-screen Sage is saying. ¡°I feel she¡¯s let me down, not just as a fellow actor but as a woman and as a human. If she has problems, then I feel for her, but she should deal with those in an appropriate manner, not inflict them on others. You know, we were once friends. But never again. She¡¯s let down the entire profession.¡± Page 100 ¡°That¡¯s a bit harsh,¡± I say uncomfortably. ¡°She stole my purse,¡± says Sage, unmoved. ¡°She¡¯s a psycho.¡± ¡°She didn¡¯t steal it. It was a mistake.¡± ¡°Tough talk there from Sage Seymour,¡± a TV presenter is saying on-screen. ¡°With us in the studio to discuss the scandal is Hollywood commentator Ross Halcomb, film critic Joanne Seldana, and¡ª¡± ¡°Sage,¡± I try again. ¡°You do know it was a mistake, don¡¯t you?¡± ¡°Shhh!¡± says Sage, waving a hand impatiently. We sit in silence as a whole bunch of people in a studio discuss whether Sage Seymour¡¯s career will now go stellar, and then, as soon as they¡¯ve finished, Sage flicks to another news piece about herself. I feel more and more uncomfortable, but Sage won¡¯t let me speak. The TV airways seem to be filled with coverage of her, on every channel¡ªuntil she clicks on to a new channel and Lois¡¯s face suddenly appears. ¡°Lois!¡± Sage leans forward animatedly. The camera pans away and I see that Lois is being filmed outside her house, which is a huge Spanish-style mansion. She¡¯s wearing a billowy white nightshirt and has bare feet and seems to be shouting at someone, but there¡¯s no sound. ¡°What is she doing?¡± Sage is gazing at the screen. ¡°Why isn¡¯t she inside?¡± I wince. ¡°She doesn¡¯t look well.¡± Lois looks terrible. I mean, terrible. Her skin is pale, her eyes are hollow, her hair is lank and she¡¯s twisting it between her fingers. I wonder if she¡¯s heard from the police. No one knows if they¡¯re going to press charges; no one knows anything yet. I keep expecting to be summoned to a police station, but so far, nothing. When I mentioned it to Aran, he said, ¡°Becky, don¡¯t worry. Your profile is up there, even without a court case.¡± But that¡¯s not what I meant. I was thinking about Lois. ¡°Leave me alone.¡± Her voice suddenly becomes audible. ¡°Please leave me alone.¡± And now we can hear the shouts from the photographers and journalists outside the gate. ¡°Are you a thief, Lois?¡± ¡°Did you take Sage¡¯s bag?¡± ¡°Have you been charged?¡± ¡°Do you have a message for the American people?¡± Lois¡¯s eyes are dark and despairing, and she¡¯s biting her lip so hard I can see specks of blood appearing. She looks totally on the edge¡ªjust like she did when I first caught hold of her in the street. She goes back inside, the front door slams, and the picture flashes back to a studio, where a woman in a tailored red jacket is watching a screen seriously. ¡°And there we can see the first shots of Lois Kellerton since this scandal,¡± she says. ¡°Dr. Nora Vitale, you¡¯re an expert on mental health. Would you say Lois Kellerton is experiencing a breakdown?¡± ¡°Well, now.¡± Dr. Nora Vitale is a thin woman in a surprisingly frivolous pink dress, with a serious expression. ¡°We don¡¯t use the word ¡®breakdown¡¯ these days.¡­¡± ¡°Jeez.¡± Sage switches off the TV. ¡°That¡¯ll be all over Hollywood in twenty seconds. You know what they¡¯re saying?¡± ¡°What?¡± ¡°They¡¯re saying this goes back years. She¡¯s been stealing all her life.¡± ¡°What?¡± I say in horror. ¡°No! I¡¯m sure it was just a one-off. She was under great strain, she made a mistake¡ªanyone can make a mistake!¡± ¡°Well.¡± Sage shrugs comfortably. ¡°Whatever you think, people are coming forward. People she¡¯s worked with¡ªmakeup artists, assistants¡ªsaying she stole from them too. She¡¯s going to drown in lawsuits.¡± ¡°Oh God.¡± Guilt is squeezing me inside. I¡¯m going hot and cold with remorse. This is all my fault. ¡°So, when am I going to see you again?¡± To my surprise, Sage throws her arms around me when we stop outside my house. ¡°I want you to style me for my next appearance. Head to foot.¡± ¡°Wow,¡± I say, taken aback. ¡°I¡¯d love to!¡± ¡°And we have to have lunch. Spago, maybe. Sound good?¡± ¡°Yes! Fab.¡± ¡°We¡¯re in this together, Becky.¡± She squeezes me again, as the back doors magically slide open. There¡¯s a cluster of photographers outside my gates. I¡¯m almost getting used to them. I check my reflection in my compact, then carefully slide out of the SUV. I zap open the gates with my remote control and wave goodbye to Sage. The next minute, Minnie is running down the drive toward me. She¡¯s wearing her gorgeous little yellow dress and clutching a painting she must have just done. I¡¯ve kept her off school today, because she was complaining of earache this morning. (Although it could just have been that her headband was too tight.)