《The Outlandish Occurrences of Octo-Lad》


 Prologue: An Authours Ramblings

    Have you ever desired supernatural powers..?


    Wondered what you would with these abnormal abilities if you did..?


    Maybe even looked deep within yourself and asked: ¡®Would I actually be the hero, or would the sins of my own mortal huberous cause me to be known as the villain?¡¯...


    Well of course you bloody have!!!


    If you haven¡¯t you¡¯re either a liar, or possess the imagination of a labotomised sea cucumber!


    Well, if you¡¯re wondering why I¡¯m asking (and mildly berterating) you, it¡¯s because not only have I hypothesised this secenio as well, but I¡¯ve been able to put the theories to practice.


    Yep, just your everyday run-of-the-mill average Joe gaining superhuman powers in a completely random and highly unlikely fashion.


    So what you¡¯re about to read (if I still have your attention that is) is my story. It¡¯s got action, comedy, drama, romance, and some weird shit that can only really be described as ¡®stuff you see in low budget horror movies, that rely more on shock factor, than money or a good plot¡¯.


    I¡¯m not really gonna explain it more than that. I mean, I¡¯m pretty sure I wrote a blurb for this at some point. I will quickly say however, that it¡¯s funny how you¡¯re the only person in known history to ever get legit super powers ¨C and then all of sudden other special  wankers appear out of nowhere with all kinds of superhuman malarkey... I guess it¡¯s kinda like when you learn a new word and then the word suddenly seems to be everywhere.


    If you spot this story on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.


    Anyway... Let¡¯s get this metaforphircal show on the road.


    I¡¯m gonna start this story just slightly before I got my powers and I¡¯ll be telling it from a first person, past-tense perspective. I will of course be using a more wider range of vocabulary and thoughts than what my past self may have been thinking at the time. Otherwise it¡¯d get pretty dull and repetive rather quickly. Lots of gaps in the memory and thoughts that only really make sense to yourself. You ever try to explain a dream of yours you found interesting? You ever notice how it¡¯s almost always boring to the listener? You see what I¡¯m saying? No..? Well screw you! You¡¯re not the one that dreams about cartoon characters riding dinosaurs having sex with your childhood fears; ya know...

 chapter 1: Beached Whale

    The thunderous chorus of polymer clad feet numbed my own. Their chitters and chatters molested my ears in ways only the most hormonal earwigs could. The smells of salt, sulphur and artificial fruits would only be pleasant as a ward for the ill humours of the bubonic plague.


    Just another day at the beach ay¡¯... I sighed internally. I¡¯ve lived near the beach my whole life and have prided myself on the meagre amounts of times I¡¯ve had to set my sights on the accursed blue abyss. Alas my mother had forced me out to its shores one last time, before I leave for America and start a new life there. Yes! Soon I¡¯ll be free of this backwater tourist hellhole known as Blackpool and the island it resides on. A land of culture, entertainment, and beautiful women awaits me. My biggest regret in life will always be how I was too late to join an American high school and instead must settle for their college lifestyle. Oh how I so strongly desired to wear one of those red jersey jackets things, date a cheerleader and keep my belongings in a locker.


    ¡°David! David!¡± A mature feminine voice yelled in front of me, breaking my train of thought. The shrill voice belonged of course to my mother. A bosomous buxom woman in her late thirties.


    ¡°What?¡± I yelled in reply.


    ¡°Hurry up, will ya luv? Can¡¯t keep waiting for ya.¡± She tutted


    I ground my teeth at that remark. The woman had dragged me out against my wishes, and then demanded that I obey her chosen pace, like a docile donkey. My body simply wasn¡¯t designed for the outdoors. My Seventeen stone weight (238lb), combined with my dwarf-like legs made walking a truly masochistic task.


    After a minute of my mother waiting and my eventual catching up, I noticed that there was a fish ¡®n¡¯ chips stand behind her.


    ¡°Mum... Get me some... Chips...¡± I gasped in between my pained breaths of exhaustion.


    ¡°But David, you only just ate twenty minutes ago.¡±


    ¡°So...¡± Was all that I could muster in response.


    ¡°Fine.¡± She sighed. Giving up easily, like usual.


    I watched intently as my mother asked the man behind the counter for a tray of chips, myself, only ever speaking during the process when it occurred to me I would also like a few other goodies to go along with my fried potatoes or the rectangle variety.


    Once she was done, she handed me my tray of chips, gravy, fishcake and battered sasguage; taking off once again with the unspoken agreement that I follow her.


    *  *  *  *  *  *


    With the contents of my Styrofoam container happily devoured, I dropped is effortlessly onto the floor and took in my surroundings. It seemed that my mother had managed to lure me onto the dreaded beach, as I lost myself in the ecstasy of quality northern cuisine. When I mean beach, I don¡¯t mean the barely tolerable bit with tons of food stands and arcades. I mean the sandy part with water, donkeys, their shit, more water, and the children who like basking in all of dreadful nouns.


    Just before I could plant my voluptuous arse on the last bit of concrete haven my mother called out to me ¨C


    ¡°Come on David, let¡¯s go for a swim.¡± She commanded in that annoyingly happy tone of hers.


    ¡°Don¡¯t wanna.¡±


    ¡°Please. You¡¯re leaving in a month and Lord knows that this will be the last time I¡¯ll ever manage to get you out here again.¡±


    ¡°No.¡± Locking eyes with her, as I unleashed all my teenage angst into my pupils.


    We stared at one another for about ten seconds before my mother let out her sigh of defeat and headed to the water on her own.


    Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon.I watched my mother walk away. Her steps seemed slower than usual and somehow managed to look heavier. They angered me. At first all the anger was directed purely at my mother, but soon I could feel drops of it leaking onto myself. With a sigh even heavier than my mother¡¯s, I got myself upright and plodded after the woman.


    She quickly made it to the ocean; turning around one last time before she allowed it to embrace her. Shock was more clear on her face than the spots on a child¡¯s first drawing of a dog ¨C as she saw me scuttling towards her. She did not say anything, but I could see the joy, just before she turned around again and attempted to swim in the giant pool of salted fish piss.


    It was my turn now. The water cascading backwards and forwards on my toes informed me that my time on land was now over. It had been a many a year since I last swam in the sea, or at all for that matter. I think I actually enjoyed it at some point. I think I used to like quite a few things that didn¡¯t involve the internet, computer games, or pulling on the dangly thing between my massive thighs.


    With a heavy heart, I took the first step...


    Left foot, right foot. Left foot, right foot.


    I marched on through the extremely wet sand, only finally taking pause when my body was submerged completely  in water from the chest downwards. My body spasmed painfully from the cold. My now soaked T-shirt clung to my goose bumped skin. Tighter now than my shirts normally were.


    I remained static in the water, allowing my body to adjust to its new habitat. My panicked breath had finally reached a state of equilibum, just before the moment that will change my life occurred...


    I felt a sudden force of great strength wrap itself around my shin. Before I could react, I felt something else grab hold of me, then another... Then another...


    I screamed and jumped up and down, this only seemed to encourage my unknown assailant. A barrage of sticky arm-like things clung to my body, and began to climb it in a grotesque and weirdly lazy manner. Something long and the colour of an almost ripened satsuma took hold of my right shoulder and threatened to crush the bones beneath it. Two more appendages grabbed my physical body before I finally gained enough sense to try and be rid of them. I squeezed and pushed the one on my shoulder with both hands; attempting to pry it of my body. It was surprisingly soft, like velvet. Velvet drenched in cooking oil.


    How does the old saying of again: ¡®You can¡¯t judge a book by its texture¡¯? That was certainly true in this case, because no matter how hard I pulled it never budged an inch. It felt like thousands of tiny hands had latched themselves onto my flesh. I was so focussed on this one particular alien limb fastened to my shoulder, that I didn¡¯t even notice the others had all intertwined themselves around my body.


    I was no almost entirely covered by this mass of Lovecraftian horror. Our bodies so close, so intimate, we were a hybrid of man and trypophobia inducing muscles. A small thought in the deep recesses of my mind thought off those Japanese cartoons in which schoolgirls are attacked by tentacles in an unorthodox kind of way ¨C which I totally don¡¯t watch and I¡¯m not even sure if they exist...


    Just before I passed out from helpless suffocation, as the creature had long forced me to expel whatever precious oxygen I kept in my body. I remember feeling a slight pinch on my neck and the shrill screams of my mother somewhere in the distance...


    I didn¡¯t even last three minutes in the sea.

 Chapter 2: An Oct-tastic sleep

    I could not recollect the word ¡®recollection¡¯. Life was a blur and I was the condensation on an elder¡¯s spectacles.


    If I was to describe my delirium as a state... I would call it purgatory. A realm of neither agonising pain, nor ejaculating joy. A realm that merely went past with little memory of it ever existing the previous second.


    In rare moments, that were impossible to space out, I remembered seeing colours, hearing noises, smelling smells, and the touching touch of dryness on my phantom tongue.


    I eventually began to notice that this sensations grew in quantity and intensity. Until I finally woke up that is  ¨C


    ************


    I awoke to soft comfort under my beside, and a sluggish toll on my body. My first experience back in physical world was pain. A pain caused by a powerful invasion directly in front of my face. The pain only lasted a mere pica of a second, my eyes squinted themselves with a speed and efficiency I did not notice or realise at the time.


    Like most people that wake up in a strange place, I quickly attempted to arise from my position. This caused a swarm of invisible fire ants to invade every inch of long dormant limbs.


    - I¡¯m going to fast forward a bit here, as It happened, I passed out a couple times, and I¡¯m pretty the whole ordeal lasted like an hour. Don¡¯t wanna bore you with too much detail about a dude trying to stand up. I¡¯d describe it even less if I could draw. Stupid comic book artists and their demon magic. One day I¡¯ll learn how to draw ripped dudes ¨C


    I eventually got out of what I had now confirmed to be a bed. My legs spasmed at an intensity that only the most oldest of washing machines could match. I stood still for about a minute, allowing my legs a bit of time to adjust themselves to their new upright position.


    I took my first step... Or at least tired to. Half way through the process I felt an immediate tug on my ting-tong tally-wacker.  I quickly inspected the area and found a long plastic tube lodge in the ¡®no lodge zone¡¯. And like any sane young man, my first course of action was to scream - shortly followed by the violently yanking out the none-sentient intruder in my pee-pee hole.


    That was a big mistake...


    ¡°You¡¯re awake!¡± A familiar feminine voice screeched out of nowhere.


    I turned to source of the squawk and was met with the sight of my rosy mother, clad in an apron and wet rubber gloves.


    ¡°H-hey mum...¡± I croaked, barely audible from the lack of practice and moisture in my mouth.


    The woman darted towards my body that was now sprawled across the floor. A normal person might have felt shame at being found on the floor naked, with a tube beside them, slowing dribbling out their old urine. But not Mr David Wimble ¨C Who is I. I was at least thankful my mother didn¡¯t comment on it and just helped me up.


    I watched her clasp my body and aid in it¡¯s ascent. I was confused to see that my mother¡¯s brawny hand that was wrapped around my left arm was actually wrapped around it. Her whole hand had managed to meet itself in full circle, around my wondrously mediocre bicep. Where is all my fat gone?! I remembered thinking to myself.


    I finally arose to my full height, with my legs shaking slightly less than previously, and was again confused. My mother, a short woman that I was only an eyebrow taller than, was now craning her neck to meet my eyes.


    ¡°Did you get ye¡¯r shins sawed off while I asleep ¨C or something¡¯, mum?¡± I asked, half joking, half not.


    ¡°Don¡¯t be daft David! You¡¯ve had a bit of a growth spurt in the month you¡¯ve been out, you ¡®ave. Hell, you barley look like the same boy!¡±


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    ¡°Growth spurt huh...¡± I mumbled to myself, very much liking the sound of that.


    ¡°Stop grinning to yourself, you daft sod. Get back in bed ¡®n¡¯ get some rest. I¡¯ll go get ya some clothes for you to put on.¡±


    I normally relished in the idea of idea of getting into bed, and looked for any excuse to cuddle with my best friend, but for some reason, even with legs that threatened to crumble at any second, I wanted to do anything but. Instead I just draped my body in my blanket and waited for clothes to appear.


    It didn¡¯t take long for my mother to get me some clothes, as we were in my bedroom, I briefly wondered why I wasn¡¯t in a hospital. She passed me some clothes and turned her back on me, allowing me a smidge of privacy. Both the T-shirt and tracksuit bottoms I now wore were horrifically baggy. The shirt exposed my bellybutton; the trousers were only able to stay around my waist with the aid of my hands. This without a doubt confirmed that I grown in height and shrunk in width. Unless of course my mother was playing an extraordinarily elaborate prank.


    ¡°I¡¯m done¡± I informed her.


    ¡°My lord... puberty really is one strange thing... One minute your my lil¡¯ chubby boy, with my brown eyes and yo¡¯r father¡¯s wavy brown ¡®air. Now yo¡¯r an ¡®ead taller, legs like a supermodel, hands bigger than me head, ¡®airs all long and always wet for some reason. Your eyes are even now a yellowy green, never heard of that happenin¡¯ before, I ¡®aven¡¯t. Oh and why the ¡®ell are you always so greasy now? I swear I¡¯ve given you more baths this past month, than I did when you were a babe, not to mention your skin is now softer than your one year old arse ever was. And why is your acne now gone ¨C even though you¡¯re greasier than a donor kebab?


    After hearing this, I ran immediately as fast as my crippled legs would allow to large mirror fixed on my bedroom wardrobe. Everything my mother said was true. I was now lanky, incredible so. A moment ago I was more torso than man. Stubby arms, stubby legs, big head, huge stomach. Now it was the opposite. All or my appendages had done most of the growing, while my middle had gone little growing. I had also lost an astonishing amounts of weight; even a small amount of colour complexion. These combined together gave me a slight  skeletal look. My now straight dark hair that nearly reached my shoulders upgraded me from skeleton to heavy metal enthusiast.


    ¡°What happened..?¡± I asked my mother behind me, as I slowly molested myself in the mirror. My mother was right, my skin was so soft, kinda like velvet.


    ¡°I¡¯m not sure, luv. One minute I¡¯m ¡®avin a swim, the next I hear you screamin¡¯ for your life, with an octopus wrapped around you. You passed at just before I got to you. Me and a young couple tried to pull the thing off you, but it wouldn¡¯t budge. Just before the lifeguard got there, the creature goes and  jumps of you like nothing had happened and disappears into the sea. Took you to ¡®ospital. You were there for a week before we got you ¡®ome. You¡¯ve been in a coma for over a month ¡®n¡¯ a half, David.¡± My mother told me in a sombre tone. A tone I hadn¡¯t heard since she told me my cat had been hit by a bicycle when I was sixteen.


    ¡°I see...¡± Was all that I could muster in response. Fatigued suddenly swarmed my senses.


    ¡°Get some sleep luv. I¡¯ll go phone the nurse and tell her that your awake. When you¡¯re up again, they¡¯ll  be a giant meal waiting for ya. Don¡¯t be gonna back in no coma though, luv.¡± She said, sensing my sudden exhaustion.


    I did as I was bade and headed to my bed. I fell asleep before my mum had even left the room. It¡¯s amazing how the desire to sleep can override the realisation that your life has changed forever.

 Chapter 3: The Flyin Squid

    Two days had passed since I awoke from my hentai-clich¨¦ induced coma. In that time a doctor and nurse had visited me at my house. They came of course to check up on me, after my mother had told them about my awakening; barely coherently through the phone. They only appeared once; for only a period of one and a half hours. In that time they inspected my body for any sort of ¡®complications¡¯, as well as giving me a psychological appraisal after the calculated probing. It seemed that I had passed their tests due to them concluding my time as their patients was terminated. They also quickly took back all of their fancy life preserving equipment. They didn¡¯t even offer me physical therapy sessions or any other standard appointments that would typical be needed after a coma.


    Now, I¡¯m not the brightest dolphin in the iguana cage, despite my past self¡¯s belief in the contrary, but even I knew the whole thing was a tad fishy... A little over a month ago I was five-foot five, at a weight of sixteen stone, with plebeian features. I was now five-foot eleven; suddenly so skinny I could see my own ribs, yet I was only a mere eleven pounds lighter. Not to mention my eyes were the colour of a partially ripened olive, and pupils the shape of curved square - instead of your traditional circle. Oh, and one more thing... I HAVE FUCKING GILLS!


    About half a day after waking up, I noticed that my entire body was painfully cracked, dry, and wrinkly - my mouth the same. I drank cup after cup of water but it did little rid my thirst. I then began to throw tap water over my clothed body in wild hysteria. I could feel the sudden splashes of cold rejuvenate me little by little, so I took to the bathroom and had a two hour long shower in ice cold water in the fetal position. This sated me but didn¡¯t satisfy, like eating a bowl of cabbage for dinner.


    Afterwards I took to studying my body in the mirror, a newfound of hobby of mine that borderlined on the narcissistic. This particular time I felt up every nook and cranny of my body with my ghoulishly long arms, that seemed to no longer follow the laws of a normal arms flexibility. Oh yeah! That was another thing I quickly learned, I now possessed a flexible prowess that was somewhere in between an Olympic level gymnast and your standard piece of well cooked spaghetti. I could now do the splits without even feeling the slightest warmth in my thighs. I could bend my back so far, I could grab my ankles and become a human wheel. All of my appendages could be rotated to any angle by any degree.


    Anyway, more on that later. As I was scanning my back, I felt three deep cuts slightly above each shoulder blade. When I placed both hands over the slits, smothering them completely, I suddenly felt dry and found it harder to breath.


    It took me longer than I¡¯m prouder to admit; until I finally figured out I was now a semi-aquatic monstrosity. Thankfully I wasn¡¯t too stupid to realise that all these octopus-like abilities/qualities I now might have something to do with that octopus who molested on the beach. Maybe it imparted its power¡¯s to me as a gift for being a good sport about the whole ordeal.


    After several panic attacks and chaotic pacing, I cursed my mother and internet provider. My internet was down and therefore I was unable to do research on octopuses, or mutations, or anything. I didn¡¯t know anything about octopuses, except that they were ugly and had tentacles. Most of what I learned about them came from my very own quirky body. So far I had discovered soft oily skin, long limbs, jelly-like bones, gills, pretty badass eyes, saggy skin on my skull (like a small beanie hat made of skin), and I¡¯m pretty sure I could taste my socks...


    Support the creativity of authors by visiting the original site for this novel and more.So here I was, a half man, half octopus and my doctor had treated me with as much interest as he would have with a middle-aged man that complained about a slight cough. This was all a strange situation indeed. A normal person in my situation may have been more inquisitive but alas, I was an awkward teen who was almost as concerned about not currently being in America, than being an amphibian acrobat. I was just happy that my mum had managed to get me a flight for tomorrow. I was already over two weeks late for college. At that point in time, I had decided to put the whole octopus-man thing on hold, until I could finally begin my new life in good ol¡¯ USA ¨C plus internet.


    *  *  *  *  *  *


    The day before leaving was spent buying clothes for my new body. I was planning on getting a hair cut since I now had to deal with long greasy hair, but I feared it would expose my bulbous head skin so I cancelled it at the last second. Seems I now had to be a hat man. A cotton beanie to hide my flesh one.


    The day quickly went by and before I knew it, night came calling.


    *  *  *  *  *  *


    The promised day had finally arrived. A dawn of a new beginning. The birth of a new era. A day in which I, David Wimble first of his name shall begin his new life as a glorious yank.... And as an octopus-man-teenager-thing.


    I arrived at the airport at 5:20 in the morning. My flight was due to depart at 5:40. This didn¡¯t give me a lot of time to say my farewell to my doting mother, something at the time I was greatly thankful for. She cried and cried, and cried more layers on that. Well I had a wealthy amount of angst back then, I was not such am arsehole that I couldn¡¯t hold my mother and comfort in this hard time. I must admit my own disgusting tendencies; part of the reason I clutched her so tightly was because I found her sweet, salty tears dropping onto my bare arms oh so refreshing...


    The grand clock had bonged; it was time for me to depart.


    ¡°Phone me everyday okay!¡± My mum sniffed.


    ¡°I will mum.¡±


    ¡°Promise?¡±


    ¡°Promise.¡± I lied.


    ¡°Goodbye David. I love you.¡±


    ¡°Bye mum... I love you too.¡±


    And that was the end of that. I turned around and marched towards my iron eagle.


    I stood on the hot tarmac, gazing at my iron eagle. ¡°This is it... I¡¯m finally headin¡¯ to America. To the great state California.¡± I boarded the iron eagle.