《It's Not My Fault That I'm a Genius ❤︎》 1. Cmon Bro, its just a--! It was a quiet, empty coffee shop modeled after a library. ...On second thought, I believe they¡¯re called book cafes rather than ¡°a coffee shop modeled after a library.¡± But then again, who are we to say that this coffee shop wasn¡¯t modeled after a library? ¡°Cut the useless thoughts.¡± A rather charming voice echoed into my ears as it slowly brought me back to reality. I was sitting across from a lady that could only be described with one word. GODDESS! With skin so white that snow paled in comparison, with a face so refined that any painter would admit defeat at the mere thought of trying to recreate it and a hair so red that even blood would not be able to paint it a shade deeper. She wore a black tuxedo and over it was a lab coat--a rather weird choice of fashion. By no means did it conceal her beauty, but in a weird twist of taste, I rather find it quite appealing. It has its own charm. ¡°I¡¯m rather flattered that you liked my choice of clothing. However I¡¯m seriously asking you to snap back to it so we can have a conversation.¡± I sighed and then answered with, ¡°Alright...¡± Ugh, why does my throat feel so dry all of a sudden? I looked down to my cup of iced coffee that was ordered for me by the goddess lady. I quickly raised the cup to take a a sip of it, to at least suppress the feeling from my throat. To be quite honest, I¡¯m not even sure what I¡¯m about to drink. The goddess lady said a complicated string of words that seemed like a foreign language, with the only thing I caught out of it was a long word that started with ¡°Frap¡±. ¡°You¡¯ve only caught that word because you thought it sounded like something else, didn¡¯t you?¡± The goddess lady said with a smirk as her eyes squinted. Ah, she¡¯s angry, she¡¯s angry... To begin with, I don¡¯t drink coffee nevertheless iced coffee. Although I do realize that coffee is supposed to be bitter, I just hope from the bottom of my heart that ¡°Lots of sugar¡± was said somewhere within that weird lingo she used to communicate with the waitress. Oh well, I did see them add caramel to it so it¡¯s probably sweet. ¡°...¡± This is...bitter! ¡°Done escaping to your own world?¡± ¡°...I want milk tea...¡± I looked up at her with as much emotion as possible--to the point where I think a tear or two escaped me. I want milk tea! I don¡¯t need bitter shit!! What do you take me for, a masochist!? ¡°Eh? You aren¡¯t?¡± ...I give up. ¡°So you¡¯re finally ready to listen to me? Or are you admitting that you¡¯re a masochist?¡± Neither! ¡°Huh? Aww, and here I thought you¡¯ll finally admit to your masochism tendencies.¡± Anyways, it¡¯s time for a flash back. A flash back! ¡°You¡¯re really persistent...You don¡¯t want to listen to me that much?¡± ¡°Of course...¡± ...Who¡¯s crazy enough to talk to a person who calls herself god? More so when she has the ability to read my mind!? She¡¯s a goddess! Quite literally!! ¡°I can do way more than that...¡± I know that. ...After all, I¡¯m supposed to be dead right now. ¡°Bingo! You, yourself are proof of what I¡¯m capable of. Doubting me is doubting that you¡¯re alive, admitting that you¡¯re dead right now...and you refuse to do that, no?¡± I sighed again. I took sip of my drink again. I teared up again. Fuck! Why is it coffee dammit!? I can¡¯t taste the caramel at all! Flash back, flash back!
Fifteen minutes before my wedding. As I was waiting in my dressing room nervously, the door creaked open. ¡°Don¡¯t be nervous!¡± My older brother, Jim, entered with a smile. ¡°You only need to say I do, put a ring on her finger, and kiss! Other than that, just standing about and try to look dashing.¡± Jim then proceeded to pat me in the back as he tried to calm me down. I turned to look at him and gave out a smile. I bet it was an strained smile... Jim¡¯s expression eased up as if he was reminiscing--on the verge of saying something cheesy like ¡®I never thought this day would come¡¯ or something. I really hope he doesn¡¯t. That¡¯s too cliche... Reading on this site? This novel is published elsewhere. Support the author by seeking out the original. ¡°To be honest, I never thought this day would come.¡± my body tensed up even more. ...Dammit. Don¡¯t be cliche man! ¡°I, on the other hand, always expected it!¡± Jim laughed in response. Breaking the cliche atmosphere, I was suddenly struck with a thought. The more I thought about it, the more it sounded better. Of course! How did I not think about this before? ¡°Jim!¡± I suddenly shouted, ¡°I now know how to make this special!¡± Jim brushed his hair confused, ¡°What do you mean?¡± ¡°I just had an amazing idea...I¡¯ll do something that¡¯s special between me and Mary during our wedding vows!¡± ¡°Oh? Do you mind telling me what you¡¯re planning to say? And here I thought you two were going traditional.¡± ¡°Haha! No worries, no worries, I have something even better in mind. Don¡¯t you think that writing my own vows is more sexy? Great that she¡¯s thinking that I¡¯m going traditional, I¡¯ll just have to surprise her with my own vows!¡± Jim looked a bit unconvinced, however he still nodded. ¡°Alright. Just don¡¯t do anything stupid, okay? And make sure to keep your vows coherent, don¡¯t try to pull anything with them...¡± What does he take me for? Of course I won¡¯t risk it. It¡¯s my wedding, after all~ With that being said, I promptly kicked out Jim. As I was thinking about what I¡¯m planning to do, time sped up and everything flashed. Before I realized it, I was standing next to the preacher facing my beautiful soon-to-be wife. Her white dress looked stunning, and although her face was blocked by her veil, I could not help but try making eye contact with her. Fuck, she looks amazing. Taking a quick look at her father, who looked both smiling yet somehow displeased, I could not help but smile. Ha! I¡¯ll win him over with my vows~ I¡¯ll make him smile for real! I then took a look at Jim, who was standing besides me as my best man, who gave me a nod. His eyes shouted ¡°Impress us all!¡± Alright, here I go. ¡°I, Jack Everdeen, take you, Mary Johnson, to be my lawfully wedded,¡± I then took a peek at Jim¡¯s expression, who had a mixture of relief and depression. Don¡¯t worry Jim, it¡¯s coming! ¡°For better or for worse, in sickness and in health, till death do us apa--Syke!¡± I shouted as hard I could, ¡°It¡¯s just a prank bro!¡± Haha, all those times she¡¯s been complaining to me, about how pranks nowadays are all fake...this will surely make her smile, right? Haha, I can¡¯t wait to see Jim¡¯s expression. I bet he¡¯s holding back his laughter as hard as he could, isn¡¯t he? Eh? Why does he look pale? Ahahaha, it must be because of he¡¯s holding back his laughter as hard as possible. Don¡¯t worry brother, I¡¯m holding back mine as well! I then turn to face, who I assumed to be smiling from ear to ear, father-in-law, only to see him...switching from red to green? Haha, so it was that funny huh. I should consider becoming a comedian. Now then, let me perk up my ears and see what¡¯s happening behind us... ¡°...¡± Absolute silence. Eh~ At least one of you try to laugh or something! This silence is a bit frightening after all~ ¡°Hey mommy, mommy~¡± Oh! A child!! Of course he wouldn¡¯t be able to hold back his laughter. Haha! C¡¯mon, let it all out! I don¡¯t mind! After all, it¡¯s my wedding, and I¡¯m the one who said the joke! So don¡¯t hold yourself back, nephew of mine! ¡°Why does uncle Jack doesn¡¯t want to marry aunt Mary anymore?¡± ¡°Shh! Don¡¯t talk!¡± I heard my sister¡¯s voice behind me trying to shush my nephew. Eh? Huh? How did he come to that conclusion? ...Oh fuck. OH FUCK! I didn¡¯t do a setup for the joke, of course they wouldn¡¯t understand the punchline! Stupid me! I fucked up, I fucked up, I fucked up! No wonder father-in-law was turning green, he¡¯s about to go smashing on me! ¡°F-Father-in-la-----¡± And a straight right punch is flawlessly delivered to my chin! With that, I blacked out. God dammit father-in-law, it was just a prank bro! 2. Pull My Finger! My eyes feel heavy. My head hurts. God dammit, it was just a joke. Was it really that bad? My joke I mean. Oh well, better luck next time. ¡°...Not!¡± I opened my eyes to the fullest, ¡°My wedding! What happened there?!¡± I looked left and right. Okay, a king bed is below me with sheets that I doubt are clean, near both ends of the bed are tables with lamps on top of them, and directly in front of me is a plasma TV mounted on the wall. ...This is our hotel room. ¡°Why am I back in the hotel room?¡± As my eyes darted back and forth within the room for a couple of seconds, they finally came to a stop in front of one of the bed-side tables. There was a note standing near the lamp that I overlooked earlier. I moved my aching body with a bit of effort and finally made it to the edge of the bed, and I picked up the note. We¡¯ve decided to return home two days earlier than planned. We desperately need this break from you. Use this time to cool off, and think about what you did wrong. ~Jim. ¡°Is that so...Ugh, I¡¯ll be alone in Chicago for two more days?¡± I threw away the note at the bed and stood up. ¡°Ahh~! I thought I died. Who would¡¯ve thought that I¡¯ll be having an avenger as my father-in-law. If anyone knew that I was taken down with one punch...¡± My body shivered. What happened, happened. All I have to do now, is remember to setup the joke before delivering the punchline. ¡° ¡®Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.¡¯ Was it?¡± Ugh, who cares. I quickly get out of my tuxedo and into some comfortable sweat pants and a T-shirt. ¡°Comfort at last!¡± I shouted as I jumped into my bed. ¡°Mary should¡¯ve already understood my sense of humor--otherwise she wouldn¡¯t be agreeing to marrying me...however, father-in-law is the problem here...¡± I shake my head as hard as I could. Don¡¯t think about it. You have two days of vacation before returning to Los Angeles, so make the best of it. ¡°Looking back to the past isn¡¯t my style. The only way to move forward is to look ahead.¡± With that being said, I should really get going. Just as fast that I sat down, I stood up. There, I noticed the note yet again. This time around, it was the other side of the paper. P.S: Your unconscious face was hilariously stupid. ¡°Keep that to yourself!¡± However a slight smile did creep up on my face. Either way, let¡¯s leave for now and go exploring for a bit. ¡°...Is what I thought, when I left my hotel room. Worst decision ever.¡± I muttered as I was held at gun point by a wolf-masked gentleman. As soon as I opened that door and made my way to the lobby, I got involved in this ridiculous situation. Four men wearing bomb vests while carrying guns, and seven duffel bags. No matter how you look at this, it¡¯s clearly a robbery. Or rather, a robbery gone bad, gone deadly? ¡°God dammit me, I said don¡¯t dwell in the past...The prank jokes are outdated anyways! As a comedic genius, I should come up with even more witty jokes!¡± ¡°Hey you!¡± A fat, pig-masked gentleman walked towards me, ¡°Shut the fuck up!¡± ¡°Hiii! Y-yes sir!¡± ¡°Keep your eyes and ears peeled Wolfie, don¡¯t let them talk too much.¡± Said a cat-masked gentleman as he eyed the window toward the outside. Then, a dog-masked gentleman walked to the middle of the lobby and aimed his gun to the ceiling. ¡°Bang, bang, bang...¡± Cries of fright broke out everywhere--of course, I¡¯m excluded, since true men don¡¯t cry--as the dog-masked gentleman looked at us the hostages somewhat satisfied. ¡°Good, good. Now then, I¡¯ll be explaining the situation to you all. As matters stand, our getaway driver bailed on us, thus we were forced to come to this...establishment. If you all play nice, perhaps only one of you might end up dead. I have no issue with adding a couple of years to my sentence, so I recommend that you all stay quiet.¡± Then the cat-masked gentleman continued after, ¡°If things play right, we won¡¯t even need to sacrifice one of you lot.¡± Then, the pig-masked gentleman aimed his pistol at me, ¡°You, shut your mouth. You¡¯re too loud fucker, screaming like a girl every single time a gun is aimed near you. I¡¯ll fucking shoot you annoying fuck.¡± What¡¯s wrong with this guy, ¡°fuck¡± this ¡°fucker¡± that... He then took aim at me. ¡°Y-yes sir! My mouth will shut sir!¡± Damn piggy! Huddling all of us in the lobby, holding us hostage...who the hell do they think they are!? Don¡¯t they know that this guy had a fight yesterday, in his wedding ceremony!? Hehe, I shouldn¡¯t be bragging here, but all it took was one hit! ...Of course, I couldn¡¯t say this out loud. Otherwise he¡¯ll probably shoot me... As I was stuck in my head--as always--loud sirens were echoing throughout the hotel. Looking out the window, I can easily count ten police cars outside. ¡°The cops are here!¡± The cat-masked gentleman shouted, ¡°Get in position people!¡± Then the Wolfie took a step forward and stood next to us in the crowd. Piggy did the same, and so did the Kitty and Doggy. What, I can¡¯t have Piggy being the special one with the nickname, right? With their back facing the windows, and guns aimed at us, I could not help but let out a wail. ¡°Iiieeeeee.....¡± ¡°...One last time...¡± The Piggy muttered under his breath. ¡°...¡± It escaped me dammit! It¡¯s not my fault! Anyways, their formation right now is like this. Piggy in front of us, Wolfie behind us, Kitty and Doggy are on the left and right respectively. ¡°They¡¯re standing like that...¡± A hushed sound came from besides me. I turned to take a look, and it was a blonde girl. She looked pretty average, slightly overweight even--however she still had her own charm. What really struck a cord with me, was that her eyes were frighteningly calm. ¡°...So when snipers or hasty officers take a shot at them, it¡¯ll probably hit their explosive vests, killing all of us in the process.¡± The girl then finished saying. Oh, I see...makes sense. ¡°...Wait, they¡¯re gambling their lives...?¡± The girl looked surprised that I talked to her as she directed a disbelief expression. Her widened eyes then slowly reverted back to normal, ¡°It seems like I¡¯ve been thinking out loud again...¡± Reading on Amazon or a pirate site? This novel is from Royal Road. Support the author by reading it there. The girl then began sizing me up and then glanced at Piggy, ¡°It seems like that guy hates you...¡± I smiled as hard as I could in response--and it seems like Piggy caught me as he shouted, ¡°Fucker, stop grinning.¡± After that, time slowly trickled away. Doggy, who looked to be the leader of the four, started making his demands. I was yelled at by Piggy a couple of more times as well, as soon as I make any sort of movement. Blondie, who¡¯s name turned out to be Alex, slowly warmed up to me as she listed a few ways to break out of this situation(Albeit they were all dangerous, to the point where if anything goes wrong I might die). And of course, I somehow calmed down as well. Humans ability to adapt is truly frightening. Taking a look at Alex¡¯s wrist watch, it seems that twenty minutes has passed since we were in this deadlock of a situation. It was then that things were set in motion. ¡°I¡¯m going to get us all from here,¡± Alex suddenly said, ¡°I¡¯ll edge out toward fatty over there. What I want you to do is really simple...I¡¯ll take fatty¡¯s gun and aim it at his explosive vest. In their surprise, I want you to catch them off guard and do the same thing to that guy in the back.¡± ¡°W-what, n-no way I can¡¯t d--¡± Before I could even continue, Alex started moving. God dammit, I can¡¯t do anything! They¡¯ll shoot me dammit, I don¡¯t want to do!! I won¡¯t move. To begin with, it¡¯s her fault for not listening to me to the end, right? It¡¯s all her fault, right? I don¡¯t care! Don¡¯t get me involved! As soon as she got close to Piggy, she took a look back towards me. I shook my head as hard as possible to convey ¡°I don¡¯t want any part of this!¡± To the point where Piggy shouted again, ¡°I¡¯ll shoot you fucker! Can¡¯t you stay put for just a second, you piece of shit!?¡± I then immediately piped down. Like hell I¡¯m risking my life! They hate me already, if I were to do anything stupid then they¡¯ll shoot to kill! Alex then jumped at Piggy, and I closed my eyes. ¡°Fucking bitch!¡± ¡°Bang!¡± ¡°Argh!¡± From the following sounds, I could deduce the following. She failed and was shot by someone. I slowly opened my eyes, to see Piggy¡¯s panting and Alex on the floor with blood slowly seeping out of her leg. ¡°Thanks Wolfie¡± Piggy said as soon as he caught his breath. He continued as he directed his pistol at me, ¡°That fucker over,¡± then he returned to pointing at the collapsed Alex, ¡°Was conspiring with this bitch!¡± He then directed a kick to her abdomen, ¡°Ah..a....a...a...!¡± Alex tried to catch her breath but to no avail. The kick must¡¯ve been quite heavy, to be able to wake her up... ...WAIT A SECOND!?! Me? ¡°I-I have nothing to do with her!¡± I quickly shouted as hard as possible, ¡°Nothing at all! D-don¡¯t kill me! I-I don¡¯t want to die yet!!!¡± Kitty¡¯s voice sounded, ¡°Wolfie, our getaway car that we demanded should be arriving anytime soon...Take that guy over there and do as we planned. Thankfully someone volunteered to be our distraction.¡± W-what? Distraction? Fuck, this has nothing to do with me! Shit, fuck, DAMMIT! I¡¯m going to die, I¡¯m going to die, I¡¯m going to die! I felt a firm grip on my shoulder as I turned to take behind my shoulder, to my horror it was Wolfie. ¡°Hiiiii!!! Let go of me!!!¡± He then pulled me up and started dragging me to a corner pretty far where no one can see us. Think positive, think positive, nothing will happen to you! ¡°...¡± Shit, it was gone sexual as well!? Three minutes later, Wolfie dragged me back to the pack of crowded hostages. The only difference now though, is that his vest no longer held explosives. Indeed...His bombs have been transferred into my body, somewhere concealed under by clothes. Just in time, the lobby¡¯s phone rang and then was answered on speaker, ¡°The car is here! Let go of the hostages!¡± Doggy then shouted, ¡°Get away from the car! At least twenty meters!!¡± The cop on the other line went silent for a moment. ¡°...Done!¡± Kitty then said, ¡°They¡¯ve moved away. We¡¯re good to go!¡± Doggy nodded and then shouted into the phone again, ¡°Because you all were so cooperative, we¡¯ll be releasing a hostage right now. He¡¯s a bit frightened, so make sure to try and calm him down, alright?¡± The cops said nothing in return and simply hung up. ¡°Fucker, we¡¯re going to let you out now. One word about the explosives, and boom!¡± I nodded vigorously as Piggy reached out and pulled me to my feet again. ¡°Ready!¡± Doggy yelled. ¡°Ready!¡± The rest responded. ¡°Up you go, asshole! You¡¯re free.¡± I slowly walked toward the entrance. My legs are trembling nonstop. Each step I take is slower the the previous. Think positive, being optimistic! Fuck! Shit, are you serious? I¡¯m free? Just like that? Well...they did say I¡¯m a distraction. They¡¯ll probably have them defuse the bombs I have on me, and make use of that opening to run away... Yes! It must be that!! As soon as I thought of it like this, my steps suddenly felt lighter. Of course! Hahaha! Suckers! You all still have a chance of being killed because you¡¯re hostages! I¡¯ll enjoy the cops sanctuary as they slowly take away the bomb from my body, and then return home! I exited the hotel and made it past their getaway car. At this point, the police finally noticed me. After taking about a dozen of steps, an officer ran toward me. ¡°A-are you alright!?¡± The officer asked me. No, no I¡¯m not alright. I¡¯m feeling great! Free! Now then, before I respond to him, how do I inform him of the bombs I¡¯m carrying without actually saying ¡®Bomb¡¯? Hrm... Explode...Explode...Ah! I got it! Doesn¡¯t the body produce its own explosives? I know how to do this! As I was thinking about how to explain to him that I¡¯m carrying explosives, we walked to the middle of their formation. ¡°Ah! O-officer...¡± I turned to the officer, ¡°Would you mind if you pulled...my finger?¡± As I said that, I winked. Please get it officer! There are EXPLOSIVES in my body! The officer looked at me weirdly, and I winked at him again. He then moved out and...grasped my finger. ¡°Eh?¡± I winked at him again, it¡¯s explosives dammit! The officer then...pulled. And in a twist of fate... ¡°KAAAAAABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!¡±
Author Note: Wonder where that bomb was hidden...