《Lich. The Depressed Necromancer》


 Prologue: Disaster Incarnate

    Authors note: that''s right, i''m starting another one. and there''s nothing you can do about it. wait! i was kidding!<del> please don''t hurt me. (not my main project, just doing this for the lolz)

    </del> Scratch that, it is my main project.

    <hr />

    AN: This is me, several months later. After reading the prologue again, I decided I hated myself. Morning ritual complete,(It''s three''O''clock, so it counts as morning) I will now proceed to edit it. I''d like to say I''ll miss it, but...

    I want to kill it with fire, and burn the fuck out of it. *Middle finger*

    <hr />

    When I was of five years of age, it all began.

    My siblings all died of a plague that was started by a Bloated Diseased Horror that tried to demand tribute from the town a few miles away.

    When I was seven, my mother starved to death because my three-person family no longer had food or money, as our crops had been destroyed three years running by various monsters.

    On my twelfth birthday, I was given the present of my dad dying of a sickness contracted from drinking the tainted water where a basilisk had taken up residence just last summer.

    My step-mother, or had married my deceased father,(May he rest in peace) the previous winter, took care of me. Instead of resenting my presence or trying to give me up, she took care of me as if I was her own. I started to love her like my own mother as well.

    One day, while she was going to town to sell the first good harvest in a decade, she was ambushed by a roving band of orcs and brutally slaughtered. Well, brutally is just a speculation made from the remains. The bits and pieces that remained, of course.

    The winter after that, instead of being forced to shiver alone in a barn and starve to death, a neighbor took me in. Life was going well, for the first time I felt stable, and I started to think of the future. I got quite a crush on my neighbors daughter, even...

    I started apprenticing at the villages blacksmith, learning the trade. I was talented, and things were going well. I would be officially recognized within a couple months, even though the blacksmith himself said that I had long since surpassed even him.

    I had been cheerful for years, and I''d started courting the daughter. With my profession of blacksmith we could move anywhere and be employed, and I would have a fulfilling life filled with love and good hard work.

    One day I came home to my foster parents, to find their farm razed and still smoldering, the corpses of their entire family crumbling with the ash of their home. A passing traveler remarked that a Dark Knight had recently passed by, and everyone knew they were unpredictable.

    I spent a week mourning, then went back to the black smithy, to find that it had been raided by thief''s who wanted the precious metals we used. The blacksmith had discovered them, and they had stuck a knife in his belly. He was spread all over the floor.

    He''d left the black smithy to me in his will, and I inherited it along with all of the money from my foster family. Funny, that I was the wealthiest man in the village in possessions, but had lost more family members than all of the other families combined.

    The others in the community finally revealed that they had hated me for a long time, and drove me from the village and "Liberated" my possessions, forcing me to run away with what little I could carry.

    On the way to the nearest city, I was robbed by some desperate men. They were good, decent people, who were driven on hard times just like me. They left the clothes on my back, and enough food to get to the town, which shows you how good they are. Most deserters will just stick a knife in your gut and throw your body in the ditch by the side of the road.

    Unfortunately, the guards at the gate to the town had to turn me away, since there was an entrance fee and I was out of money...

    There, standing at the gate to a town I didn''t want to go to, with the clothes on my back and nothing else, I looked up at the sky.

    "SCREW YOU TOO!"

    <hr />

    I went into the forest, and tried to live off of nature.

    Nature must have been in on the joke that was my life, because the second I was out of the guards line of sight a pack of wolves came out of the bushes and ambushed me. They bit me a couple times, but I got away by diving into a river and escaping to the other side and hiding in a cave to weather the night. Unfortunately, the cave was inhabitied by some nasty arachnids or didn''t take kindly to strangers, and I got a good dose of venom before escaping from the cave.

    That poison must have made me smell very good, because no sooner had I escaped from the cave than a giant vulture scooped me up and flew me away. Once I reached it''s nest, we discovered a young basilisk that had already eaten the vultures'' young, and they then proceeded to fight over me. I''d feel flattered if it wasn''t for my body that they fought over me. I''m not just a hunk of meat, after all. But, that''s all animals care about...

    This text was taken from Royal Road. Help the author by reading the original version there.

    I hid under an overhang, hoping that maybe they would forget about me. Sadly there was a concealed hole, which I happened to fall into. Another coincidence was that I landed in the middle of a dining table, surrounded by-you guessed it, here''s a cookie-ogres. I landed in the potato-and-human salad.

    They roped me up with some conveinent vines and hung me over a pot, then debated about whether sauteing me or boiling me would be better, while another just wanted to fry me. When things got heated I chewed through the vine, which also had-you guessed it-poison, and stumbled out while my ogre hosts who had kindly taken me in for the evening slept off their little argument. They''d all agreed I wouldn''t be stupid enough to bite the vine, and decided to sleep on the decision on how to cook me. Remarkably democratic, those ogres. I''d have liked to meet with them under different circumstances.

    Sadly, they had set a watch, so I got to work on my cardio with the motivation of a dozen very hungry and angry ogres. (They''d come to a consensus to kill me, and think about it more, in case you were wondering.) I came to a sheer cliff, as luck would have it, and because I''d had just a bit too much poison, and was understandably a little tired, I straight up fell off. As luck would also have it, there was water at the bottom! The first good thing to happen in a long time, it was very welcome.

    Then luck revealed that the helping hand it had extended was really a middle finger, and the kraken burst out of the lake and started tenderizing me. After being bashed about for a while, a cloud of bats fought off the kraken and took me into a cave, where a sadistic and creepy man in a suit sucked all of my blood and threw me back to the kraken.

    The ogres made their way down from the cliffs, (there were stairs right next to it, funny enough) and the giant vulture was flying toward me with a young basilisk hanging from it.

    I was a little frustrated, as you can possibly imagine.

    <hr />

    For once, luck seemed to be with me, and while the serpent and the ogres distracted the kraken I caught the vulture by the wing and we flew off, and after many dizzying loops and blood-chilling dives, I tired the vulture enough that it collapsed and let me off.

    I made my way back to the road, feeling pretty good, since the poison had been sucked out by the creepy vampire. I didn''t feel good since my blood was all gone, and the same bandits came after me again. They''d fallen on even harder times, and had to take the clothes off my back as well, tattered and torn as they were. I warned them about the poison, and we parted ways on good terms.

    At the gate, I was given a beating for public indecency, and turned back into the forest to die. I found it funny that I''d probably had more excitement over the last two days then those guards would ever have in their lives, but nevertheless life finds ways to humble you.

    A small goblin half my size stepped out of the bushes, holding a small sharp rock, and threatened me.

    "Gimme all ya got!"

    I stared at him for a second, looked at my loincloth and bare everything else, and looked back at him. "Are you kidding me?"

    "You deaf or somethin''? Hand me your loincloth, dumb ass."

    As I was contemplating suicide and some of the things I could yell at the guards while running around them, I met a trio of armed mercenaries. The leader looked me up and down, and from my appearence he must have mistook me for a monster. He whispered fearfully, "What manner of beast be thee, monster?"

    I just looked at him, feeling as if life must have gotten tired of fucking me, and decided to dance and yell, acting for all the world like a deranged cannibal. They fell back, then waited until they were convinced I was harmless, and passed by me.

    Within an hour, I was captured by real cannibals, and tied up with good strong ropes. I was cooked extra-rare, since that was how their god, Ugachuka, liked his offerings. They waved me on a stick enticeingly over the river for a full hour, before one of the scouts reported that Ugachuka had already eaten a dozen ogres and a basilisk, so he wouldn''t be hungry for a full month.

    While the cannibals decided whether to save me or just eat me, they left me tied up by their leaders tent.

    I looked back up at the sky, and whispered under my breath.

    "I will prove you to, gods who stand so arrogantly over us mortals, that we are not to be trifled with. And then, when I have proven my worth...

    ...I will Make. You. Pay."

 Chapter 1: A New Beginning, Sort of?

    Well, as it turned out, the cannibals ate me. I mean, I can''t really blame them, when I was just sitting there being useless. You shouldn''t waste food, after all...

    ''What the hell! How can I think like that?! If even I give up on myself as a lost cause, then how in the hell am I going to prove to the gods I''m not hopeless?''

    Well, I am actually pretty hopeless, so there isn''t really a need to prove anything otherwise...

    ...

    ''I''m kinda bored, actually. Now that I''m dead, shouldn''t I be taken to judgment or something? Or get reincarnated? Or something? I expected death to be... more, I guess. Actually, it just feels like the bottom of a pit. And there are some squishy things around me too...''

    ''Wait a second, how can I feel if I''m dead? And, now that I think about it, how come I was able to survive after the vampire drained me of blood...?''

    ...

    ''I see. It seems I became a vampire, or a ''half'' as pure-blood bloodsuckers called their victims. And, since vampires and half''s are technically undead, that means my soul is cursed for all eternity...''

    ''Well, shit.''

    So, it seems my soul is doomed to forever linger in this world, tied to my physical form, unable to pass on, and unable to ever taste the sunlight ever again. Well, it''s not all bad, I mean, my body will eventually disintegrate and I''ll be able to move about as a soul. Once there, I''ll just have to avoid shamans and alchemists who want to make soul crystals.

    ''Wait another moment... my body is just a skeleton, and it should be nothing but bones. But, as a soul, I should be able to move a couple meters away from my body, at least. I started pushing, feeling at the prison of my bones, and broke out. When I did this, I felt a sort of feeling of loss...''

    I slowly floated out of the hole, and took a look around. I''m currently in the middle of a camp full of cannibals, so this hole I''m in must be where they put the parts of people that aren''t edible. Like the bones, and the parts they burn...

    Trying to keep such thoughts distant, I started to float around the camp. It was roughly the size of a small village, and felt tents and wooden huts were what made up the camp. Totem poles made of human bones were erected at certain intervals within and surrounding the camp, and for some reason they repulsed me more than when I first saw them...

    Halt

    My spiritual body stopped, and I couldn''t seem to move anymore. Looks like this will be my limit until my body decays. As I fully explored the six meters around the refuse pit I could access, I noticed fist-sized spheres of light floating in the air. The strange thing was that they were behind the tents and huts, or maybe inside them.

    Yet... I could see those spheres bright as day, though it was night, and a wall seemed to be separating me and whatever they were. The other pattern they had was that they stayed in groups of three or four. Even as i watched, one of the spheres started moving away from the others, and as it walked into view, I saw a man. He was another cannibal, but he had a sphere radiating out of his chest. He came closer, right up to the edge of my pit, and threw a bunch of garbage into my pit.

    Unauthorized tale usage: if you spot this story on Amazon, report the violation....

    ''Well, I knew my value was low before this, but now...well, at least he isn''t-

    Yep, there it goes. Oh well, I guess I''m not even worthy of being trash. I have to be human waste as well. It''s just too cruel...but, it does make since. I was wasted as a human. I should''ve been born as something edible, like a cabbage...but I''d probably have been a rotten cabbage full of maggots...maybe I could have been a caterpillar? But then I''d catch some kind of sickness and infect all of the plants, and my metamorphosis would probably fail, and I''d have come out as some sort of mutant cross between a moth and a butterfly, but with a disease that kills other bugs as soon as they breathe the same air as me...maybe a maggot. Then, at least, I''d be fulfilling my meaning in life by being a pest.''

    Still, getting peed on even while dead kind of offended me. I mean, getting peed on by the other kids as a child, that I could understand, but I expected at least my body would be respected, or at least left alone in a mass grave somewhere...

    After the cannibal had done his business, he pulled up his loincloth and spit into the pit.

    ...

    ''Really? Really, after all I''ve been through, after you''ve eaten me, thrown my remains into a pit with who knows what else, you pee on me, and now, just to rub salt in the wound...''

    Before the cannibal can get out of my limit, I draw close to his sphere, and grasp it in my hand. Soft and warm, it feels nice to caress it. But, just holding isn''t enough.

    ''So warm...''

    Grasp

    ''I want it...''

    Pull

    ''It''s mine...''

    Riiip

    ''So pleasant...''

    "Aaaaaaaaah!"

    A wet, ripping sound echoes as I tear the sphere from the cannibals chest, and he collapses.

    Dead, surprised eyes show that he died without any knowledge as to what killed him.

    ''So warm...''

    I hugged the sphere close to my chest, feeling the warmth, but...

    ''Huh? Why is it getting colder...''

    The sphere was losing its'' light, and slowly changing in color. After mere moments, my warm, comforting orb was now a cold, throbbing purple sphere.

    ''Why... why, when I find the one thing that makes me feel...''

    Feel what?

    Snarling, I grasped hold of that orb, and squashed it. I grabbed it with all my might, and tried to crush it, to make it nothing, to destroy what had once been comforting.

    ''What is "feeling"? And why do I need it?''

    The orb resisted me, and tried to escape, but I held on and kept crushing it.

    ''After everything... even warmth is denied to me.''

    I held onto the palm sized orb, subdued and unmoving, and closed my hand into a fist.

    ''If even warmth is denied to me...''

    Bringing my fist up to my mouth, I thrust the orb into my mouth.

    ''Then I will make myself so cold that heat is but a memory.''

    As all heat left my soul, a permeating chill seemed to fill my soul. And with this chill...

    Came Power

 Chapter 2: Old Men Can Appear Behind You At Any Time

    Power spread from my belly to the tips of my arms, and indescribable arrogance arose within me. I felt like nothing, not death, not pain, not gods nor demons could touch me. I felt as if all the world were at my feet...for a second.

    Then I was left with nothing but the cold emptiness of my soul.

    I shivered, and tried to hug myself to keep the chill away, but it was to no avail. The closer I hugged myself, the colder I grew, and the more empty I felt. The orb I had eaten just seconds ago was gone, it had left without a trace.

    ''heh, just my luck...but, I can''t really blame the orb. I''d leave me too, if I had the chance...''

    Time ticked by, and the chill neither grew nor shrunk. I moved to the edge of my limit, trying to see if I could maybe get closer to one of the other spheres and get just a little warmth, for just a second...

    But, they were far out of reach. I held my non-physical hand up to my limit, to try and reach through--my hand passed through the limit. I quickly pulled my hand back, and froze. The chill within seemed to pulse, and i grew afraid.

    ''What is this... just a few moments ago, this felt like a stone wall...but now...''

    I held my hand out once more, and pushed it out of the limit. As I felt at the wall, I encountered something, but instead of feeling like a wall, it instead felt like a thick honey. With effort, I pushed through the limit and took a step outside of the limit. It felt like walking underwater, even though I was floating, (and dead) but I didn''t feel like I was getting tired. I guess that was one of the advantages of being dead...right! Look on the bright-side, that was what my father had always said! Right up until he was lying in his deathbed, at that time he started screaming, and swearing at my mother and me...apparently, he had been cheating on my mother with the waitress at the inn... Then my mother started yelling back, and told my father about how she had been ''doing it'' with the blacksmith...

    Right! Bright-side!

    ...But what is there that is bright?

    I started to feel less pressure from the honey-like air, and could move faster, my target: A grouping of seven orbs, one of which was a big as two fists put together!

    While doing this, I made sure to stay as far away from the bone totems as I could. They weren''t only disgusting, but they also made me want to throw up the closer I got to them. As my mind wandered in the direction of the totems, I felt a disturbance...like that feeling I had when the bear woke up.

    ''I''d better move quickly... don''t want to waste time, even though I''m dead, so I have all the time in the world...''

    ...When I got close to the grouping of orbs, I saw that I had arrived a hut twice as big as the others. Inside, I heard snores...well, not really heard so much as felt the vibrations of the air made by the exhalation of the living bodies inside.

    The narrative has been illicitly obtained; should you discover it on Amazon, report the violation.

    ''huh, since when did I think in terms of "vibrations" and "exhalation" anyway? And why did my head classify them as "living" in the first place?''

    Still, the chill within was growing colder by the second, and the warmth of those orbs of light was tantalizingly close...

    ''I can''t wait any longer.''

    I held my hand up to the wall, to see if I could push it down, when my hand simply passed through it.

    ...

    ''Well, that''s conviennent.''

    Floating through the wall, the first thing I noticed was how dark it was, and how well I could see. Every detail of the sleeping bodies was sharp and focused, and I could even feel the beats of their hearts. But, hearts were not what I had come for. At least, not today.

    ''where did that thought... anyway, how do I take the orbs? With that first guy, I just sort of pulled and it popped out... will that work again?''

    I reached toward the smallest one, which was in the chest of a small boy around ten, but stopped when I "touched" his chest. ''I didn''t think of that...since the orbs are hiding inside of the people, will I still be able to take them?''

    I gently reach inside of the boys chest, and he seems to take a deep breath, but I whisper in his ear and he calms down. Once he is settled, and the gentle snuffling of his breathing is once again smooth and even, I push further and grab ahold of the orb.

    His heart starts to beat faster, and I lightly pat his head (even though I can''t really "touch" anything) which seems to calm him down. This orb seems to be resisting me...honestly, why did this orb have to hide in a little boy? That''s just dirty.

    I pulled, slowly increasing my pressure, calming the boy at intervals until-

    with a ''POP'' the orb came out. Smiling, I once again hold the warm orb in my hands, cherishing the sweet heat. Ignoring the fact the little boy had stopped breathing.

    ''So nice...''

    But, just like the first one, this orb turned purple and cold within seconds. Frowning in displeasure, I crush the resistance out of it, and stuff it down my throat.

    ''Why do they resist? And why do they hide in people?''

    Then, my body froze, and I heard a voice behind me. It was wizened and frail, but somehow pulsed with power.

    "Well, well, well, what do we have here?"

    I slowly turn around, and see a small man in a loincloth, holding a staff with an animal skull on top, hanging with ribbons.

    The old man had a triumphant smile on his face, like he was scolding a naughty child.

    "A brand new undead has developed a taste for humans souls, has he? Kukukukuku...

    We can''t have you killing my tribe, can we?"

 Chapter 3: Never Trust Old Men in Loincloths

    If I had a heart, it would have broken any nearby eardrums.

    "Ahhhhhhh! He can see me!"

    The old man smiled, but that just made him look like a pedo, what with his dirty waist wrap and grimy headdress made of bird feathers that still had some skin attached.

    "kuku, quite. Now, since I''m a kind shaman, I''ll let you beg for three seconds before I stuff you into a soul stone."

    ''Beg... well, I guess being a beggar would be a more productive career for me... I wouldn''t mess up too much anymore...''

    "Threetwoone!"

    "Wait, that''s unfai-"

    "Soul Bind"

    I felt the vertigo that comes with falling from a high altitude, and then I felt like a sardine. I couldn''t see anything, but this stone was really cramped.

    ''ow... why does this stone have to be so small?''

    I try to push the walls, and to my surprise, they stretch.

    ''...

    stretchy walls. Classic.''

    Pushing harder, I feel like something is pushing back, but it''s so weak I can hardly mention it.

    Riiip

    And I''m out again.

    ''...''

    "..."

    The old man has a really scary expression, and he''s glaring at me...

    ''Please don''t hurt me...''

    The pedo is holding a broken purple stone, and looking really irritated. But all of a sudden, his face breaks out into a smile.

    "kuku, so, it seems like a lesser soul stone isn''t enough to contain you. Unfourtunatly, I have nothing of higher quality, so~"

    "So... you''re gonna let me go?"

    He just smiles even wider... I have a bad feeling about this...

    This narrative has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. If you see it on Amazon, please report it.

    "Of course! I would never hurt a spirit as powerful as you! Why, I''m sure that little girl you murdered would be ecstatic to know you''re roaming free!"

    ''You know... I think he''s being sarcastic. Besides, I''m pretty sure it was a boy, no girl would have such an un-cute face. So why did he think it was a gi-''

    Murdered? As in, killed?

    ''All I wanted was warmth... but I killed someone...''

    "kuku, are you feeling guilt? Newly made undeads who still have a mind usually don''t like it when they find out they kill instinctively."

    "I... I didn''t kill her. The orb was hiding- how else was I supposed to- I didn''t kill her!"

    He just grinned slyly, and fingered the broken stone.

    "kuku, well, there is still a way to save her life, you know~"

    "What? How?"

    ''Why is he smiling? How can he be so callous?''

    "kuku, all you have to do is go into her body. You''ll have to squish a bit, but I''m sure a murderer like you can deal with a bit of discomfort~"

    ''I don''t like this... will going into her really save her life?''

    Against my better judgment, I float into the girl-who-looks like a boy, and squish myself so my entire being is inside.

    "Okay, I''m in. Now how do I-"

    "kuku! Now I''ve got you!"

    "Soul Bind"

    ''hah... I deserved this."

    The vertigo returns, and when I come to my senses, my body feels heavy and cold.

    ''Well...

    shit.''

    <hr />

    I''m gonna write another chapter after this, it''ll be posted in two-three hours.

    And...

    loli necromancer! My dreams came true!

 Chapter 4: Terms and Conditions Agreement

    ''How did it come to this...''

    Standing naked in front of a piece of glass, I could see I was indeed a girl.

    "God, I''m sorry for everything I''ve ever done and said, but please... not even hell can be this painful."

    "kuku, don''t you know? God is never listening. If you want to be saved, tough luck. You help yourself, or you die."

    I turned and put back on the rags that the little girl had been wearing before I-

    ''Nothing you do will bring her back.''

    I shivered, not used to having a body totally devoid of heat. In fact, the cold was starting to seem more natural than warmth...

    Once I had covered the important parts, I turned to the old man and tapped him on the shoulder.

    "kuku, what do you want?"

    "What was the name of this girl who''s body I''m taking?"

    He wore a fake thoughtful expression, then grinned with less teeth than a worm and shrugged.

    "No idea! I forgot."

    ''This bastard, if I ever get the chance..."

    "kuku, this hut you are in is where we house the kidnapped breeders."

    The urge to puke was overwhelming. I didn''t resist.

    ...

    I wiped my mouth, and looked at the soggy pedo, who was almost steaming with anger.

    "ku, you, you...!"

    "So, now that you''ve trapped me in a body, what''re you going to do with me?"

    Still growling, he pulled out a piece of paper with a bunch of words on it.

    The genuine version of this novel can be found on another site. Support the author by reading it there."Sign this."

    I briefly looked through it, then shook my head.

    "No. Way. Get lost, pedophile."

    "wa-pedo-I''m not! Look, if you don''t sign it, I''ll vaporize you, got it?"

    "Why? It says here, "In agreement with the above terms and conditions, I, ____, hereby sign my soul away to the shaman who captured me"."

    "...I don''t see what''s wrong with it."

    "hah, listen, I''ve got no reason to live- no friends, no family, no loved ones. So, if you were to give me something worth signing my soul away to you, I might-and I say might,-consider it.

    For some reason he started tapping the side of his nose...

    "kuku, I tell you what. If, at the end of the month you have not disobeyed me, I will let you pick any one soul."

    ''heh heh heh, I''ve got you now-

    "except for mine."

    "..."

    "kuku, you think this is my first time dealing with spirits?"

    "...damit..."

    ''well, what the hell. I''ve got nothing else to do, and if I don''t I''ll be vaporized...''

    I sign and initial the agreement, and shake hands with the pedo. It seems I''ll be working closely with this old man. Maybe this time I''ll have better luck.

    Oh, who am I kidding? This old man, and everything close to him, will crumble to dust before his eyes, now that I am here.

    An omen of disaster-

    that is what I have always been.

 Chapter 5: Getting Taught New Things By a Pedophile

    As you can imagine, being turned into a soul, getting trapped in a little b-girls body, and then being forcefully contracted, is a new thing for me. I will only speak for myself, but this sequence of events wasn''t that relaxing.

    "kuku, now that all of the paper work is done, let''s put you to work!"

    "It''s the middle of the night."

    He smiled, which looked even creepier in the dark, and kept leading me into the forest. Had I been a smart little girl, I would not have followed a strange man into the forest at night where no one can hear me scream. But, I am not a smart little girl. I''m a dead adult male. Which means I''m an idiot. I think... I never had any education, so I really can''t say. The fingers tied to the ribbons wrapped around the shamans staff didn''t help me think straight either. Probably because I could see one of my own fingers...

    The pedo interrupted my musing by stopping suddenly and turning around.

    "So, since I can''t put you in a soul stone, and because I''m not about to let a perfectly good soul go free, I have to find other ways of putting you to use."

    "Listen, if you''re talking about ''putting me to use'' you better mean in a working sense, and not a sexual one."

    "kuku, of course not. I''m only into Adult, dead women. I''m not a weirdo like some people."

    "...I''m not going to trust you, but I''ll follow along for now. So, how will you ''put me to use''?"

    "kuku, I''m going to teach you a bit of magic. Since you seem to have an unusual ability to clearly see souls, you must have an affinity with at least one element."

    "''see'' souls? What do they look like to you?"

    "kuku, I can''t see them with my eyes. I use my intuition and magic compensates for the rest."

    "So... magic? Isn''t that something that old men in towers use?"

    "ku, these country bimbos..."

    "I''m a guy, thank you very much."

    "kukuku."

    ''This bastard...if I hadn''t already decided to kill him, I''d have decided to maim him.''

    "kuku, here. Just do as I do, and gather fire element in your hand."

    As I watched, he gathered a ball of flame in his hand.

    "Fire Bolt"

    A streak of flame flew about a hundred meters, then vanished into the air. Copying his motions, I felt at the surrounding heat in the air, and envisioned it all gathering in the palm of my hand. At first, the fire resisted and I had to gather a large amount of power to force a sufficient amount of fire element into one area. Something was wrong with it, and a good fifth of my power was consumed trying to gather the element. The thing that was wrong was that it was too small.

    ''But I gathered the same amount of fire element...''

    Nevertheless, I said the chant.

    "Fire Bolt"

    With a whistle, the bolt flew off, and disappeared from sight.

    "kuku, my, that flew far! It seems you compressed it too much. How many more of those can you fire?"

    "Another four. Maybe five, if I use a little less power."

    "Power? Ah, you must be refering to mana. Yes, it does seem like you used a large amount of mana just to shoot that Fire Bolt. You probably don''t have an affinity for fire. Here, let me show you something else."

    "Freezing Gust"

    A visible gust flew from the shaman, and froze the leaves on the trees and left frost on the sides of their trunks.

    "ku, not an overly offensive spell, but it does well to slow down any foes who are too fast. Heh, last nights dinner had a rogue who thought being fast could save him-Ha!"

    ''Overlooking the rude comment, this pedo seems quite knowledgable. I wonder why he''s teaching all this to me? Eh, it''s probably because he''s confident he can kick me around whenever he wants. But, I get the feeling something is wrong with that freezing spell...maybe if I were to...''

    I gather the frost element and-much to my surprise-they seem to leap into my palm. Just holding this much frost element is cracking the skin of my body. But, why stop at just gathering more element, why not change the spell itself? I feel a throbbing in my skull, and something seems to be pushing from within my stomach. Gathering the element into the shape I want, I push it forward, and say the first words that come to mind.

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    "Fell Wind"

    Craaaaaaack

    Twigs and branches snap as the water within expands and explodes outward, the ground is painted with snow, and glistening ice adorns every tree within a ten meter radius of the spell.

    "Ku-...-ku"

    The pedo seems surprised. Heh, serves him right for stuffing me into a little girls body. But, that throbbing is still there, and that pressure in my gut is getting stronger-

    "Unable to activate-True Form-at current time, host body assimilation has yet to complete."

    "AHHHHH!"

    Falling to the ground, I hurriedly look around for the source of the voice.

    "ku, what''s wrong?"

    "t-there was a voice! A woman''s voice!"

    He looked around, then seemed to make a connection, and asked me.

    "What did the voice say?"

    "Something about me not being able to take form or something, because I haven''t adjusted to my body yet."

    "kuku, what luck! It seems I''ve found myself a nice spirit..."

    "What do you mean?"

    "kuku, That voice you heard was what is commonly known as ''The Voice of the World'' that speaks to all creatures, regardless of race or language. What the voice was saying is that you are an uncommon spirit that has a ''True Form'' which the spirit can take in order to harness all of its'' power."

    "So, this is a common occurrence?"

    "kuku, of course. Spirits that can take a true form are usually those who have been around for a while, or those that are more highly attuned to their personal element. Spirits that can''t are usually mindless, and get locked up in soul stones pretty fast."

    "...I see..."

    "kuku, so, did the voice say anything else, or just that you can''t take your true form yet?"

    "nope. Just the bit about the true form."

    "kuku, but, all things considered, you are powerful enough already. That spell you just used... how come you didn''t tell me you already knew a spell? And how did you learn a spell like that without learning Fire Bolt first?"

    "oh... well, I haven''t ever seen, much less used, magic before this. I just thought your spell was a little...weak."

    "ku... I see. Well, how many times can you use that spell? if you can use that two times, then you will be a great help."

    I checked my reserves of power... and there was no difference from when  I started gathering elements and after I shot the Fire Bolt.

    Just to be sure...

    "Fell Wind, Fell Wind, Fell Wind, Fell Wind."

    The sound of cracking intensified, and the only thing keeping the splintered trees from falling over was, ironically, the ice.

    "kuku! Nice, using a spell like that five times- truely, you are a treasure!"

    Once again, I checked my reserves... and barely any was gone. If my reserves had been water in a cup, then I had drained a fifth with the Firebolt. Then, I had taken drops out by using the Fell Wind.

    "erm... mister pedo, I can use that spell all day. It hardly uses any power."

    "..."

    "..." ''Did I do something wrong?''

    "...I believe you."

    "wow, just like that?"

    "yes, because the contract you signed stated that if you lied you would willingly erase your own existence."

    "..."

    ''This...fucking...bastard...''

    "kuku, well let''s get back. It''s almost morning, and I''m hungry!"

    As we walked back, I noticed a bird that was frozen solid. Kneeling beside it, I felt a little sad. Then I got up and walked away.

    As I left, Birds of all kind shimmered in the sun and flew up out of the trees.

 Chapter 6: Meeting My Sister. God Bless My So-Never MInd

    On the way back, I kept imagining how the magic lesson could have gone differently.

    "Oh pedophile, I''m a girl!"

    Poof!

    ''Gone...just like that...''

    "kuku, what''s got you so down? You''re going to be my slave for life, so cheer up!"

    "*mumble* Of course, ''master'' I''ll make sure to serve you right up until I shove a knife so far up your-"

    "oh, and the contract also forbids you from harming me in anyway, on pain of death. You also have to protect me by any means necessary, even at the expense of your own life."

    "I didn''t read any of that!"

    "It was in the fine print."

    "...Y-you...only you..."

    "kuku, what about me?"

    I looked him in the eyes, and for the first time he looked scared.

    "you''re the only person who I''ll enjoy torturing."

    "k-ku, let''s not be hasty..."

    The rest of the walk we made in silence.

    ---

    When we were almost back at the camp, an earsplitting yell broke the cold dew of the morning.

    "Sh~ess!"

    I was then tackled from behind by a human sandbag. After tumbling head over heels a couple times, we slowed down enough for me to get a good look at my attacker. A cute twelve year old with blond hair and blue eyes, taller than most boys her age. After the adorable angel detached herself from me, I stood up and dusted myself off.

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    "Excuse me, but who are you?"

    For some reason, the girl pouted. "ohhh shess, don''t tell me you forgot already! I''m Rena! Re-na! I''m your sister, and we''re currently in captivity."

    "I see... but, if you''re in captivity, how come you''re out here all alone...?"

    "Silly Shess, I can''t get away with mister pedo here around!"

    "I see... he really does pay close attention to young girls."

    "ku! I told you to stop calling me that! I''m not a pedo! i swear!"

    Rena and I fell over laughing, and she wrapped her arms around me. At that moment, I noticed. Her soul, which was five or six times more powerful than everyone else. And she flinched when she felt my ice-cold skin.

    "Shess! You''re cold as ice, we need to warm you up right away!"

    Followed by the old man, Rena took me into the hut where this girl ''Shess'' and Rena slept last night.

    Before I killed Shess and stole her body.

 Chapter 7: Finding Dinner

    AN: Whew, today has been chaotic. But that won''t stop me!

    ---

    ''I''m such a horrible person...''

    Being led by the hand by an adorable angel should make anyone''s day, but for me, that angel was holding onto a hand soaked in her sisters'' blood. Once Rena and I had reached the hut where she and the others slept, I carefully found out the names of each of the girls by listening, and tucked this information into a corner of my mind.

    After that, we played around with a ball made of inflated skin. Since this was a cannibal''s tribe, I hardly had to guess at what kind. Long into the afternoon, we played with the ball. It was hard for me because of the stiffness of my muscle, which I had to work hard in order to move. Still, it was enjoyable to act like a child again. Though, I had never been a normal child in the first place. My older brothers would always take out their excess anger on me, which at first was bearable. I was kind of happy that someone cared enough about me to beat me up, actually. Then the beatings got harder and longer, and pretty soon I wasn''t getting beat because my brothers were angry, or frustrated.

    They hit me because it was fun.

    Still, I preferred beatings to what my sisters did to me.

    "Hey Shess! Why''re you staring off into space?"

    Immediately, I was the center of attention, and all the other girls crowded around and asked me what was wrong. Before I could speak, the pedo arrived and grabbed my hand. Leading me away, he received numerous dirty looks from the girls, but they were powerless to stop him.

    Once we were far enough from the children, I turned to the old man and wiped away the moisture in my eyes. It''s what I get for thinking about my childhood.

    "Kuku, are you so bad at games you cry?"

    "Shut your fucking mouth you bastard son of a whore."

    The look on his face that reminded me of a fish out of water was almost enough to make me laugh. But, for some reason the happier I got the colder I felt. So much it hurt.

    Turning away, I pulled the old man behind me in the direction he had started, and to my surprise I could easily drag him along. I got the feeling I could have picked him up and carried him the whole way.

    "ku, we''re going to the road, so just turn left. I''ve got something to show you."

    Heading toward the road, we passed several cannibals. Towards the shaman, they show respect. To me,

    They show fear.

    "You told your tribe about me?"

    ''kuku, of course. It is expected of me, the shaman, to contract with dangerous spirits in order to bring prosperity and happiness to my tribe."

    "Che, prosperity and happiness my ass. You''re just an old pedophile or takes too many risks."

    "Kuku, so you think my contracting you was taking a risk?"

    "There is no thought about it. This contract will end one way."

    Dead End

    I led the old man in silence the rest of the way.

    When we reached the road, the old man started looking around.

    "What are you looking for?"

    "kuku, I''m trying to think of a way to make it seem like a large magical beast came through this area. But to do that, I''d need twice the mana I have-"

    "Fell Wind"

    THe dirt froze, then cracked, and frost was left in the shape of a crater.

    "This good enough?"

    The old man jumped up and down, then told me my instructions. Frowning in distaste, I went to the middle of the crater and lay down.

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    ---

    As far as adventurer party''s go, I''m sure mine is one of the more well-off ones. Me and my six companions had set out on a request that required us to escort a merchant caravan through the relatively dangerous forest. There were ogres, giant birds, cannibals, and tribes of goblins. There were even rumors of a kraken living in the lake!

    However, the possibility of encountering just one of those was extremely low. Hah, meeting two of them at once would require astronomical odds against you!

    Smiling with pride, My companions and i rode further into the forest. After going a little ways in, I felt the temperature drop. Going further in, I started seeing leaves with frost on them, and the mage in our group reported a large amount of ice element having been released all at once. After what seemed like hours, our group arrived at a crater the size of a house. Lying curled up in the middle, shivering violently, was a black-haired girl around the age of eight or nine. As I was about to rush forward, the mage held me back, motioning that he thought this was a trap. It was a common tactic of monsters to disguise themselves as young children in order to draw their prey closer, and this whole situation screamed a set-up.

    Cautiously moving closer, the mage analyzed the composition of the little girl, and sighed in relief. Nodding to me, he motioned for me to go ahead and help the little girl. As fast as i could, I knelt by the little girl and turned her over. Her eyes were open and she was shivering, which let me know she was alive. Gently laying my coat over her, my hand bumped into her arm. Her arm felt like stone. Ice-cold stone. Shivering, I yelled to my companions to get a fire started, and saw the little girl motion that she wanted to say something.

    Leaning closer, I heard her small voice shaking from the cold.

    "I-I''m s-so sorry..."

    I smiled down at her, and whispered that it was okay, she''d be safe now.

    Leaning further toward me, pressingher chest up against mine, she whispered in my ear, her voice no longer shaking.

    As she did, I noticed something. The absence of a heartbeat.

    "May god bless your soul, and curse mine as he always has."

    "Fell WInd"

    ---

    The battle, if it could be called that, was over before it started. I caught them by surprise and killed their mage along with three of their warriors, then demolished the other two who came charging at me. After that, I wiped out the remaining members of the convoy.

    If this undead body could cry, I would have. But, sadly, the only moisture I had had remaining in my body was used to shed a single tear.

    At least, that was the excuse I gave for not grieving over the death of thirty-something people.

    The longer I stay in this body, the more I feel as if I''m a monster, and the less I feel it is because I''m a spirit, and instead believe something else.

    All these years of misery...

    Perhaps it is my turn to inflict misery upon the world.

    I can''t help but feel excited.

    <hr />

    I''ve done a terrible, terrible thing in posting this poll.

    Any hindus out there, I respect Gandhi a great deal, but the masses demand cheap humor.

    And I deliver.

    What was I delivering again...?

    Oh right, cupcakes! The ones with sprinkles!

    Poor pre-industrial village in the middle of nowhere where no one will miss you, you were a noble sacrifice. The cupcakes must go on!

    What was the point of this comment...?

 Chapter 8: A Clever Girl

    AN: Well, the poll had some pretty amazing results. I''m sorry all you peace lovers out there, who like cows a little too much, but I can''t resist the sixty-nine votes. :3

    ---

    Luckily, the ice packed adventurers were storable, and will probably stay good for a couple weeks.

    ...

    Oh god what have I done...

    Well, no good feeling bad about it. After the pedo made a sort of land-raft, he attached a little wisp to it and used it as a sort of pack horse. Which reminds me, I''ve been told by the pedo that he has other spirits, but I''ve not seen any of them...well, no good worrying about it.

    Once we got back to the tribe, it was almost exactly like what happened when a hunting party returned from a good trip. I guess we were a hunting party, but hunting humans...

    The old pedo shooed me away, and I walked a little way into the forest. Maybe I can sort out my feelings, and bring some sense back into my life.

    "Hi, Shess."

    Yelping, I jumped and turned to find Rena leaning against a tree.

    "Whew, you startled me Rena."

    "hehe, I''m sneaky, aren''t I?"

    ''I don''t think that''s it, I just wasn''t paying attention..."

    "So, what are you doing out here, Rena? It''s not very safe..."

    "I''m playing hide and seek with the others. Wanna join?"

    I shook my head. Right now, I needed to decide on how I would look at killing from now on. And, I needed to put something in my stomach so I can throw it up.

    "I''m okay, I just need to think."

    She smiled, and gestured for me to sit next to her. "You can think right here, right?"

    I debated whether I should or not, but ultimately I really had no choice in the matter. Sitting down next to Rena, I could acutely feel the power of her soul, and I experimentally tried to gather fire element. And like I thought, it was much easier than before. Most likely it was because the element was attracted to Rena''s soul.

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    "Hey Shess, why are you sad?"

    I lean my head back and look into the sky.

    "Say Rena, if you had to choose between two decisions, one of which would lead to safety, but regret, or the other choice that risks your life, and leaves your mind free?"

    After looking thoughtful for several minutes, she responded. "Well, I would follow my father''s advice."

    "What advice would that be?"

    ""For another, regret can be tolerated. For myself, however, I will never purposefully do something I will regret.""

    "...Your father sounds like a wonderful man."

    "hehe, yep."

    "Say Rena, when did you realize that I''m not Shess?"

    She went quiet for a second, but she still smiled.

    "Since that morning when you, whoever you are, came back."

    "How did you find out?"

    Even though Rena was smiling, tears were falling from her chin.

    "Silly boy... my sister''s name is Bel, and she had blonde hair when she fell asleep. Besides, she never had eyes with so little life in them."

    Nodding, I stood up and walked out of the forest. As I did, I heard whimpering from behind me. But I cannot comfort a child.

    I am of the dead. The dead cannot offer comfort to the living. But, for something like this...

    I can at least bring the living to a point where life can begin anew.

 Chapter 9: Old Pedophiles With Too Much Power

    Leaving the forest, I made sure that some of the other kids knew that Rena was in the forest so that they could take care of her if she fell asleep. A young girl asleep in the forest is not good news, especially with the pedophile on the loose. Speaking of the pedophile...

    "Spirit! You''re coming with me."

    "Where are we off to?"

    "kuku, we''re going to meet someone special. So make sure you''re prepared for anything, okay?"

    "...What do you mean, ''anything''?"

    "Just  come with me, and stop asking questions."

    Following his retreating form, I just shook my head. "What has this world come to, with young girls of a tender age following questionable old men into the forest voluntarily?"

    "If you want, I can make it involuntarily."

    "...No thanks."

    Keeping up with the old man was surprisingly hard, and I had to take two steps for every one of his. After two hours of walking, the old man had still yet to show signs of fatigue. Which reminded me of how I had not needed to sleep since I''d died, which was kinda convenient. I just noticed that the old man hadn''t slept yet, either...

    Magic.

    "Elkrieg"

    Sparks flew from nowhere, and shot toward the shaman-

    "Aura"

    The sparks were deflected off of a glowing half-sphere, which disappeared after a second. But, the attacker wasn''t done yet.

    "Gobslick"

    Shards of earth came shooting from the leaves of the trees, splitting branches and cutting bark as they came. However, they were deflected by the same half-sphere as before, though a few cracks appeared on it before it once again faded from sight.

    "Kuku, don''t be so foolish, Sha''Go."

    A green creature fell from the trees, dressed almost the same as the pedo.

    "Kakaka! It seems I still can''t make a scratch on you, old timer."

    Wearing a smug smile, the pedo thrust out his chest like a farm boy who just got praised by his father in front of his crush.

    "Indeed, I am, after all, the most powerful and handsome being in this forest, except of course Ugachaka, who''s magnificence cannot be compared to that of mortal men."

    The green creature-who I now realized was a goblin, based on his appearance-wore a sly smile. "Is that so? Do you agree, App''Go?"

    "Gobslickig"

    A spear of earth shot from behind the shaman, and I somehow knew that before he could react, that spear would go through his back. My body moved on it''s own, and I stepped between the spear and the pedo. Analyzing faster than I could comprehend, I reviewed several options. Just stopping the spear with my body would not be effective, as the spear would just tear through me and continue on into the shaman. Thus, I quickly reviewed the elements used by the shaman in order to make the ''Aura'' spell, and used a sixth of my pool to bring several the necessary amounts of elements together. Assembling the elements together, I once again had the feeling of something missing from the spell. However, I didn''t have time to modify it, and simply used the spell as is.

    "Aura"

    To my eyes, a translucent sphere of light erected itself around me, As the spear neared my aura, the area the spear would intersect started to light up, and when the spear hit the sphere a solid light shone from the immediate area. Cracks appeared, and I saw the tip of the spear break through the sphere, but it was stopped successfully. The spear slowly disintegrated, and the sphere became translucent again. Seeing that the sphere was still damaged, I once again gathered sufficient elements to repair it. Seeing the cracks disappear, I sighed in relief. The I had the urge to throw up, as I realized I had just saved the pedo''s life.

    "Gods fucking damnit!"

    Falling to the ground, I put my head to the floor in shame of my actions. The goblin shaman had a shocked look on his face, and rushed forward to lay his hand on my shoulder.

    "It''s okay, it''s okay. I know almost losing your master is tough to deal with-"

    Knocking his hand off my shoulder, I turned to the pedo. "You! It''s your fault! Why couldn''t you have died like the bastard you are?! How long are you going to cause me misery before you finally bite it?!"

    Looking away, the goblins shaman looked just as depressed as me a second ago, and muttered to himself something like "...Just trying to help, jeez...you don''t need to be so rude..."

    A new voice broke through my anger. "U-um, I''m s-sorry if I d-did something w-wrong, b-but I h-hope you''ll f-forgive me..."

    Turning around, I saw another goblin, however this one was much shorter, and gave off the air of a young boy who was very nervous. For some reason, I had the urge to run forward and hug him, and rub my cheek against his. I think it''s safe to say that this is the strangest thing that has happened to me since I died. Walking forward and barely resisting the temptation to clasp him to my chest as hard as I could, I felt like I should go down on one knee to bring our eyes level, even though he was only a couple inches shorter than me. Trying my hardest not to pat him on the head, I tried to comfort him.

    "It''s okay, you didn''t do anything wrong. It''s all the bad pedophile''s fault."

    Sniffling, he said "W-what''s a p-pedophile?"

    Giving in to the urge to pat him on the head, I told him "You''ll find out when you''re older."

    Wiping away his tears, he smiled and looked up at me, which made him go from cute to jaw-dropping  adorable. Unable to hold myself back anymore, I wrapped my arms as far around him as they could go, and squeezed.

    "Kyaaa! How can you be so cute!"

    "*Cough* Y-you''re c-*hack* choking me-"

    Letting go as fast as possible, I quickly checked his ribs to see if any were broken, and sighed in relief when I found that none of them were. A few were cracked, though.

    With App''Go holding his ribs in pain, I turned to see the pedo grinning. For some reason, I got embarrassed, which made me even madder.

    "So, why are we here, mister pedo?"

    "Why are you calling me that like it''s a title!"

    "Because if there were to be a competition for pedophiles, you would win the grand prize."

    Unable to come up with a comeback, the pedo grunted and turned toward the goblin shaman.

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    Now that I got a closer look, I saw that he was about five feet, had long drooping ears with points on the end, and had slightly gnarled hands. Seeming like he wanted to say something, he made a respectful gesture to the pedo.

    "kuku, what is it? And I never thought that you would use such underhanded methods such as trickery to kill me..."

    "Kakaka! Well, I have no other way to threaten you, and I really wanted to see your trump card again."

    "Kuku, you know I can''t just use that willy nilly."

    "Kakaka! But I just can''t get that one time out of my head. Ever since, I''ve always hungered to know more..."

    "kuku, maybe some other time. I see you''ve brought your apprentice, and there is something I''d like to check."

    Stepping backward differentially, he made a ''go ahead'' gesture. Grinning in a way that made him seem more like a pedophile than ever, he stepped closer to the cute goblin. I quickly stood up, and turned toward him.

    "Listen here, fucker. I can overlook your previous sins of defiling little girls, but I will not let you spoil the innocence of this little ball of hope!"

    "I''ve told you! I''m not into little girls! And why would I want to take away a boys'' innocence?"

    Jutting out my chin, I replied with "Maybe because you''re a perverted old man with a long and bloody history of defiling children."

    Once again left without a coherent reply, the old man threw up his hands and took a few steps back. Fuming, he called out to the young goblin. "You! App''Go, was it? You''re going to spar with this pain in the ass until I have properly assessed your ability."

    Even with my quick reflexes, I still couldn''t keep the look of surprise from my face. However, what he said next made my jaw drop a couple feet.

    "And you! Pain in the ass! Under no circumstances will you use ''Fell Wind'' got it?"

    "I don''t have to listen to you-"

    The pedo grin was back.

    "kuku...oh, but you do have to listen to me. claus sixteen, paragraph thirty seven, states that "The signer of this contract hereby revokes his or her own basic rights, and submits themselves completely to the creator of said contract."

    My jaw just kept dropping. "But-when-how-where was that?! I didn''t read any that!"

    "kuku...like I said before, it''s in the fine print."

    Hearing this, my body and mind stopped functioning properly, and all the thoughts in my head were: Dear gods, if you are out there, I have only two words to say.

    "U-um, I-i don''t know... d-do I r-really h-have t-to fight?"

    The goblin shaman nodded, and the young goblins face hardened in an incredibly cute way. His fireball was a little less cute.

    "Fell Win-"

    My throat closed, and my spell canceled half-way.

    FUCK YOU!

    Activating aura once more, I just barely blocked his fireball. Because I only used the bare-minimum elements required to make aura, the fireball spread foot-long cracks throughout my sphere. Analyzing his spell, I recreate the elements used, then remove all the unneeded formations and optimize it to use the least amount of element for the greatest effect.

    "Maximized Fireball"

    Out of thin air, a ball of flame three feet in diameter appeared and hurled itself toward the cute goblin. Even though this took about half my mana, I felt the effect was worth it. However, much to my surprise-

    "Quelck"

    And there goes my fireball...meanwhile, the old pedo''s were watching us like two betters watching a cockfight. The old pedo had even taken a bag of fingers, and was eating them like snacks!

    I think one of them was mine...

    "kuku, serves you right!"

    "kakaka! My little App''Go''s quite the spell caster, eh? But that fireball...she must have practiced since she could walk to do that kind of magic!"

    "Kukuku, I taught her everything she knows!"

    You taught me jack shit, you lying fucker!

    For some reason, I was unable to copy the "Quelck" spell. Thus, the fireballs he threw at me were quite difficult to deal with. Because they followed me wherever I went, I was unable to dodge them, and even worse, I had about a third of the mana I started with, and even that was draining fast while I desperately maintained my Aura.

    Even so, it looked like App''Go was feeling the pressure too, and sweat had broken out on his face. Seeing his cute concentration, I could barely resist the urge to giggle in delight.

    What? Giggle? Since when have I wanted to giggle!?"

    The ridiculousness of my situation hit home, and I calmed in an instant. I got the idea that. if I can study the formation of his spell, why can''t I make a spell to disrupt the formation?

    Thinking thus, I carefully studied the formation of elements in each fireball, seeing the meticulous formations, and started thinking. How in the world would I disrupt a spell in midair?

    The answer came in the form of Fire Bolt. But, instead of gathering enough fire element to shoot a Fire Bolt, I instead made a formation out of a small amount of fire element. Taking careful aim, and getting the timing down, I lined up my spell-

    My Aura fell. I no longer had the mana to maintain it, and the next fireball that hits me will destroy me completely.

    I thought I would be out of breath.

    I thought I would be nervous.

    What I really did surprised, horrified, and strangely...excited me.

    I was smiling.

    "Diffusion"

    A small spark, just a few millimeters wide, flew from my hand straight into the fireball. For a second, it did all the good of a moth flying into a lamp. Then, the fireball sputtered out and disappeared.

    Silence, from both the old men and from App''Go.

    And from this silence, spoke a barely discernible female voice.

    -True Form- is available. Would you like to activate this ability?

    Feeling a tug at my lips, I slightly shook my head.

    Not just yet...

 Chapter 10: Lich

    AN: it is as of this day, that I have completely lost faith in royal roads rating system. Also, this chapter will be a little more serious, and I just wanna say: You brought this upon yourselves. Had you chosen the second option in my poll, perhaps things would have turned out differently, but...

    Let justice be done, through heavens fall.

    (I''m so sorry for the reference, but it had to be done)

    Also, let me know what you think of Lich''s true form. All opinions will be read, processed, and then discarded. Teehee! :D

    ---

    After leaving the pair of goblin spell casters, (And hugging App''Go about a hundred times) we headed back to the tribe. On the way, the shaman would randomly throw fireballs at me, and I would use diffusion to stop all of them. This was quite frustrating for the shaman, because even though he had a much higher affinity for fire than me, he still ran out of mana before me.

    Once we arrived at the tribe, all the cannibals seemed to be in a festive mood. They had several bonfires going, and they were wearing all of their headdresses and jewelry while dancing around said bonfire. I turned to the shaman, and asked him what was going on.

    "kuku, today is a special day in which we expand our tribe. It''s a very important day."

    Wondering what he could mean, I followed him up to a raised wooden platform. On top of it was a long table, with ropes and shackles. Standing behind the table and facing outward, were the thirteen young girls who, like Rena, had been captured by the cannibals. The thing is, all of them were wearing white clothing that was a single piece of cloth.

    Looking at the table''s in front of them, and watching the celebrating cannibals, I put that together with what the shaman had said, and I was reminded of the blacksmith who had taken care of me. In return for learning metalworking from him and getting food and board, he only asked for one thing.

    I will never forgive anyone who does what has been done to me to these innocent girls. Turning to the shaman, I felt a small smile tug at the edge of my lip.

    "Hey shaman... does this ''special day'' mean a lot to you and your tribe?"

    He turned to me, and smiled while nodding vigerously. "Yes, this is one of the most important days of the year for our tribe! Without this tradition, our tribe would have disappeared years ago!"

    "Oh, I see..."

    ''Activate ability -True Form-.''

    Activating ability -True Form- standby.

    "Then, would it bother you if someone were to... I don''t know, wreck it?"

    The shaman looked confused, then afraid, as a dark mist gathered around me.

    Due to your use of the ability -True Form- your physical ability has been increased twenty-five times. Your mana pool has been has been expanded one-hundred times. All affinity''s except for Holy and Light have been doubled. Dark, Blood, and curse have been tripled. All spells require half the mana as usual. All mental stats have been increased thirteen times, including time-and-spatial awareness.

    ''Woah! Woah! Woah! Isn''t this a little too overpowered?''

    Answer: Yes. You will be able to maintain this form for -1- second.

    ''So...I get completely overpowered, for one second?

    Answer: That is correct. Final tuning in preparation to take True Form-      Emotions:

    Off.

    ...

    Holding up my hand, I felt the incredible power that dwelt within them. I raised my head, and looked down at the shaman. He was holding a piece of paper, and screaming something. I reached forward, and plucked the piece of paper from his hand. Taking it in two fingers, I pulled in opposite directions. Even though it resisted at first, I pulled harder, putting mana into my fingers, and tore the paper in two.

    Had I still felt amusement, I would have laughed at the look on his face. Instead, I decided to actually try out my spells, instead of half-assing it like I have always done before. Stretching out my hand, I felt the barrier the shaman had erected, and, for the first time-spoke one of my true spells.

    "Fell Blades"

    Blades of ice shot forward, and pushed the shaman off of the raised platform, cracking his aura badly. Still, I had to respect his defense. I had used about a fifth of the elements needed to bring out the full effect, and he had blocked that much.

    Seeing my transformation, all of the cannibals were frozen. However, they had already started to look for escape. I thought that it has already been a second, but then I answer my own question. Because all of my mental statistics have increased manyfold, time now seems to move slower to me. So, it looks like it will feel like thirteen seconds to me, and one second to everyone else. Neat.

    "Freezing Chains"

    Every cannibal was immediately bound to the earth with snaking frozen chains, and I turned my attention to the thirteen young girls standing before me.

    For some reason, thirteen young, pure girls in white clothing assembled before me gave a sense of deja vu.

    Holding out my hand to the tall, blond girl who I felt I knew best, I had the feeling I should do something. Reviewing what my objective had been when taking this form, I made sure I knew what I needed to do. My objective in taking this form-

    Kill them all.

    Still, my hand refused to go further. The girls were trembling in fear, and I thought maybe I should start with one of the others. Perhaps there was a pattern? Focusing my eyes on the girl furthest from me, I spoke another of my true spells.

    "Frozen Threads"

    A circular object rolled on the floor, and blood flowed from the girls throat in slow motion. Turning to the next in line, I repeated the spell.

    And again.

    And again.

    And again.

    And again.

    And again.

    And again.

    And again.

    And again.

    And again.

    And again.

    And finally, I turned to the blond girl, who didn''t shake. Who didn''t tremble. And even though she cried, I decided she was crying for me.

    Then I ripped her head off. Why would a pitiful human cry for me?

    Notice: The ability -True Form- has worn off. The cooldown period for this ability is 24 hours. All physical stats have been returned to normal. Mana has been returned to it''s former amount. Affinity''s have returned to normal. All mental statistics have also been returned to normal.

    I felt as if I got shorter, and I held up my hand. It felt so fragile.

    Emotions:

    On.

    At first, I wondered why I didn''t cry. Why wasn''t I sad? But, why did I want to cry? Kneeling beside Rena''s body, I tried my best to put her head back on. Why didn''t it work? Why was she still dead?

    I should be weeping. I should be screaming. But, my body was dead. And so am I. But, why should I cry? I don''t know Rena. I don''t care about anyone. She just...

    "Hi, Shess!"

    Her smiling face...

    "Why are you sad?"

    Her warmth...

    "If you want to think, you can think here."

    As I looked up, I saw thirteen souls. Twelve were slowly floating away from me, but one stayed right here. I reached out, and just kept myself from touching it. Everything I touch withers and decays before me.

    But, that light that shined brighter than any other went right up to my chest, and I hugged it. I felt the pulsing warmth, that heated me all the way to my fingertips. And, for just a second, I was warm.

    Then the soul turned dark purple, and was absorbed into my chest. Thinking logically, I should be sad.

    But I''m not. Perhaps I''m confused, and don''t know what''s happening?

    But I do. Perhaps I should just take this as what happens. After all, everything disappearing before my eyes is a common occurence, isn''t it?

    But I don''t. I refuse, to be sad.

    Enjoying the story? Show your support by reading it on the official site.

    I refuse, to be ignorant.

    I refuse, to accept this.

    A small bird with frozen wings landed on my shoulder.

    "Rena! Get up! You cannot die yet! What about your father? What about your family? I refuse, to let you die! Rise! Rise!"

    "Rise"

    Slowly...ever so slowly... Rena''s body got up. I felt so happy I could-

    "What is your command, my master."

    A corpse, that moved at my wish. Undead, just like me. I, who should''ve honored Rena even a little...I defiled her body, I corrupted her soul. I killed her little sister, and forced her to treat me like a sibling.

    "Kukuku...you seem to have realized what you''ve done."

    ''Why? Why wouldn''t the tears come?''

    "kuku, now you must know that I have no choice but to kill you. You are too dangerous."

    ''If...if I can''t cry salty tears...''

    "Kukuku! You killed the only person who actually treated you as a human being! You should be disgusted of yourself."

    ''Then...Then, I will...''

    "Now, enough playing around, kuku. Take my trump card!"

    "Vengeance of the Forest"

    From all around, vines erupted from the ground. Without pause or warning, they immediately shot toward me. However, I was busy. I gathered fire element, and reached out to gather that forbidden element that undead must never touch. I took a tiny amount of holy element, and infused it with the fire. Even though three-fourths of my mana disappeared, and I felt as if my entire body would disintegrate, I kept crafting my spell.

    "Purifying Flame"

    The vines and remains of Rena vanished in an intense white flame, and I felt my vision darken. I did not have long to stay conscious.

    Standing up, I finally felt a purpose in my life. If the tears of man cannot reach me...

    "Activate ability -True Form-."

    Warning! Activating this ability while still in cooldown will result in drastic side-effects-

    "Do it anyway."

    Activating ability -%$#@&* Form-. Physical abiltiy has increased ??? fold. Mana has increased by ???? times. The affinity for &^%$#*&^ has increased twenty times. Mental capabilities have increased by ??? times. Ancient knowledge of %^$&#*#$ &*%$& unlocked. Due to the nature of your transformation, your body has become unstable. This ability can cancel at any time, resulting in severe kick-back. Future uses of -True Form- will result in severe pain, if successful, and death or being erased from existence if failure.

    ''I will cry tears of blood!''

    Final tuning: Every emotion except for-Hatred-and-Derision-:

    Off.

    ...

    Filled with power, I couldn''t help but marvel at myself. Looking over these sorry excuses for vermin, I could laugh. But, there will be time for amusement later, right now-

    Murder.

    "Hahahaha! You were saying, old man?"

    Ha! that look on his face belonged to someone who just had their entire tribe massacred before them-why don''t I make it fit?

    "Doom Scythe"

    A large purple scythe that undulated slashed through ninety percent of the village, eradicating them like the vermin they are!

    Standing on top of a podium, surrounded by thirteen virgin corpses-how did it get better than this?

    "ku-ku-ku-. You...you will die a slow death, Lich!"

    "Lich? Oh! What a nice name! Do you mind if I take it as my own?"

    "Monster, you will die by my hand!"

    Standing behind him, tossing a cannibals head up and down, I replied.

    "You think so?"

    He spun, vines coming out of nowhere to spear me, and fireballs appearing in his hands-

    "Tsk, too slow. A thousand years too slow."

    As the tiny pieces that had once been a shaman scattered in the air, I fell to my knees, and laughed. However, I felt myself weakening. If I don''t act fast, I''ll return to being a defenseless doll. Searching with my mind, I find two cannibals who had survived my scythe.

    ''Che, vermin that dare to live in my presence!''

    "Chel''Kre''Gash"

    Stepping out of the other dimension, I appear before the two cannibals. Activating my Ultimate ability -All Hope is Lost- I relinquish them of their will. Ordering them to kneel before me, I tell them to offer up their souls to me.

    Willing, glowing golden souls drift from the chests of the two men. Their eyes go glassy, and I dismiss the brain-dead vessels. Beginning to gather my own element, I start to change the souls. They go from a radient golden, to a soft yellow, to a deep purple, and finally-to darkest black. Streaks of lightning bounce off of the souls, and I reach inside both with one finger each, and take out a single golden thread. After wrapping this thread around my pointer fingers, I place the blackened souls back into the humans. Using my last spell, I know I need to make this count.

    "Dol''Thruk Gol''Crusck"

    Holding their heads, the fragile human hosts scream in fear and pain. Noticing that their bodies are quickly burning up, I start taking huge amounts of %$&''%$&*#@, and infuse the humans with it. Their bodies strengthened, the humans are forced to tremble and spasm in torture for several minutes. Tapping my finger and getting very anxious, I wish that they would hurry up. Even as I think this, the  humans start steaming.

    Their clothes burn up, and their skin starts changing to an angry red. Catching a glimpse of one''s eyes, I see that the demons are already in the host. Next, the humans start trembling even faster, their very bone structure being changed. Soon, long, hard ridges of bone that seem to underlay every part of the skin appear, and when the spasming makes the bones come in contact with rock, it is the rock that breaks.

    As their bodies start to slow down, they begin screaming anew. But this time, the voice box has been altered, and what comes from their mouths are hellish squeals worse than a banshee. The humans-turned demons hold their foreheads, where protrusions suggest something greater. As I watch, long, straight red horns break from the skin and extend to their fullest.

    As the demons calm down, they look up at me with red pupils full of anger, highlighted by a black background of hate.

    Perfect.

    The two of them attack me as one, but before they can move more than an inch, I grasp them by their throats, and lift them from the earth. Crushing their throats, I feel resistance. Squeezing harder, I feel the one on my left give up. However, the one on my right is quite determined. Sending black lightning running up my arm and into his throat seems to pacify him, and I let them both fall to the ground. When they look up again, the anger and hate are still there-but now it is overshadowed with worship.

    Feeling the tug from the other world through the strings attached to my fingers, (which have turned black) I inject mana directly into the demons and the strings, hardening the shape around my fingers and strengthening the cord that extended between me and each of them.

    Finally, exhausted from all my casting, I feel the darkness closing in.

    ''I''d better be grateful to myself when I wake up. Now all I can do is hope those demons don''t kill me while I''m sleeping...''

    End of arc I: Lich

    *dododododod!* (Just imagine those corny advertisements for McD*nalds in the old days)

    Make sure to stay tuned for the next arc, ''Siege'' for more Lich action! Oh, and sorry all of you who wanted a RenaXLich...

    plz don kil meh

 Im a derp. Herp-a-derp-a-herp.

    Well, I had half a chapter written, then I closed the window without saving.

    ...

    I''d cuss, but I''m too tired. Now I''m so busy that I can''t re-write the chapter, plus I have cramps, and then I''m always exhausted...

    Anyway, all I''m hearing from myself is *excuses, excuses* and I''m kinda sick of it.

    So, if I can manage to survive long enough, (and assuming nothing else happens) I''ll write a chapter on friday. Maybe.

    This story originates from a different website. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.

    Meanwhile, let me share a video with you...you can trust me. :3</a>

    Yeah... this is the dumb shit I watch instead of writing the goddamn fiction that you all want.

    Feel free to rage in the comments, your anger amuses me.

    <hr />

    Douchebaggery has never had a clearer face.

 Chapter 11: An Excellent Memory...Most of the Time

    Waking up from what felt like one of those sixteen-hour naps that just made you feel guilty, but so satisfied, the first things I noticed were the rings. One on each hand, both on my respective pointers, they both had red-glyph shapes scrawled messily all around them. Trying to see if I could see inside, I tried to pull one off, but I concluded (eventually) that I''d have to rip of my finger first.

    Some things were meant to stay unknown. And I like my fingers, very much.

    Holding my head, I felt like that one time when I''d ingested alcohol. Let''s just say that I never repeated that experience-ever-and call this subject closed.

    Still, something felt weird, like I was forgetting something...

    "Oh well! I''m sure it''ll come back to me."

    Turning from the remains of the village, the oblivious lich walked off. One of the side effects of activating -$#%&*$ Form- was that all memory of the experience was erased. But, that doesn''t explain how he forgot the first part.

    Walking through the forest, I was struck with the urge to make a horribly overused joke, but I just couldn''t remember it...oh well.

    For some reason I heard quiet sighs of relief...

    Heading back to where I remember last being-the highway-I continued through the forest until I started seeing familiar trees. How did I know they were trees I had seen before? Why, because I have an excellent memory! Once, some traveling priest  said I had something called ''photographic memory'' but I don''t really know what that means. All I know is that I can remember all 14764 snowflakes I ate one winter. But, for some reason there was one night which I could not recollect no matter how hard I tried. For someone who remembered everything, forgetting something was strange. But, I''m not surprised! I''m always forgetting the really important events. Usually I need someone else to tell me what happened.

    (What important events? And why only particular days?)

    Brushing the shrubbery from my hair, (Why does my hair have to be so long? I''ll need to cut it. Is there some broken glass somewhere...?) I stepped onto the road. Shielding my eyes from the angry sun, I felt warmer than I should have. Fanning myself, I discovered that I was steaming.

    I''m a walking teapot! No, I''m not a teapot. Tea brings warmth and refreshes people...maybe I''m dung that''s been left int he sun? Yeah...that sounds about right.

    Looking to the left and right, I was left with a decision. To the city, where I would be taken to prison again? Or back to a town where all of my misery originated.

    Yep! To the city it is! No way in hell am I going back!

    Resolutely turning south, I head directly for prison. At least there''s a place to sleep in prison.

    However, it seems fate had recharged and wanted another go at screwing me. Out of the forest, four terrrifying bandits rushed forward, knifes held in position to stab-

    Support creative writers by reading their stories on Royal Road, not stolen versions.

    But why were they moving so slowly? And why were they all taller than me? As a seventeen-(I actually think I''m eighteen now. I get the feeling the last couple days were so busy I just didn''t acknowledge it)-year-old man, I was either the tallest, or at head level with everyone else I met. But these bandits were all like two feet taller than me! Maybe they''re a race of giants...?

    Still, giants or no, with movements that are so slow I can almost laugh. There was a reason only my brothers and father beat me-I let them. Anyone else who tried it were dealt with. Severely.

    The first giant went for a straight thrust,--he was obviously inexperienced at knife-fighting--before which I casually stepped to the side, grabbing his wrist and twisting, bringing him to his knees.

    "Don''t feel so tall now huh, jackass."

    Bringing up my other hand, I stopped just short of breaking his nose, as the other three giants were frozen.

    For some reason, I felt like I just made a terrible pun without meaning too...must be my imagination.

    Spitting on the ground, I felt like I was being cheated out of a good brawl. "Whatcha standin'' there for? Get yer asses in gear!"

    The giants looked at one another, then laid down the knifes before pressing their heads to the ground. Curious, I let go of the first giant, and he copied his friends, placing his knife on the ground before lowering his head. Kneeling down to bring our eyes to the same level-which reminded me that they were a lot taller than me.

    "Are all giants such cowards?"

    The men exchanged looks with each other, then the one with a goatee spoke up. "I don''t know why you call us giants, but if a young girl can take on a full grown adult, she must either be a Champion or a god."

    Feeling like I was missing something, "Who''re you calling ''little g-"

    Then it hit.

    Why my fingers were so delicate-looking...

    Why my hair was so long...

    Why they were so much taller than me.

    At first I had the urge to swear as loudly as I could, but something held me back-

    "FUCK HOLDING BACK!"

    Doing what felt natural, I gathered a large amount of ice element-

    "Get ready to have your a-"

    Then I realized how this must look, for a young child to swear like a sailor, and stopped.

    ''Dang this body!''

    For some reason, I got the feeling I had felt this same way a lot in the past few days...

    <hr />

    Well, it''s all right now. So, I think I might change the chapter numbers a little bit, just to make it easier to understand. Anyway, expect more chapter soon! like tommorrow! If I don''t upload another two chapters this weekend, yell at me!

    readers are so cute when they''re angry...ahem!

    (u heard nothin)

 Chapter 12: Penetrating Four Men, One After Another

    Looking down at the poor fools laid out at my feet, and shook my head.

    ''What am I thinking? And besides, why should I even care?''

    The gaunt limbs and haunted eyes showed that these men were inches away from death by starvation, and filth that was nowhere near new wafted an unpleasant scent in my direction. (How can I smell anyway?)

    ''These poor sods...even I feel bad for them. But, even still, why do I...''

    These men had been kicked in the dirt, and left to rot. Maybe they were cheated, or perhaps they made bad decisions. It could be that they were just unlucky, like me. Reduced to petty thievery, they were less than slaves. At least slaves were fed.

    ''But, no matter how bad I feel, that still doesn''t explain why I...

    And, even when they had gone through all this, even when they look starved to death, they have waited this long before turning into beasts. When I first met them, they asked me to give them everything, except for the clothes I was wearing. I, having been robbed several times before, knew that this was an uncommon show of decency.

    ''Sure, they have some redeeming qualities, but that doesn''t mean I...

    Victims of bad luck and misfortune. Perhaps they were overlooked by god, just like me.

    And that''s when it clicked.

    ''Do I perhaps...see myself in them?''

    Refusing to kill, even though they risked their lives doing so. All it would have taken is one of their victims to speak with the town watch, and they would be exterminated before the day was out. Bandits and other lawbreakers such as outlaws were classified as monsters, and it was legal, encouraged, even, to kill them on sight.

    Even after this, even after they have been thrown aside by society, they are still remain decent people. (I conveniently forgot they had just a minute ago tried to kill me. Having such a good memory means that I can forget things quite easily, if I try. Maybe that''s where the important events are...)

    ''But still, even if I respect them, why should I help them...?

    Because.

    Because no one else will.

    A child sleeping in the dark, tear stains streaking his face. Long since have the screams faded away, and pain is just a constant companion. Fear and disgust are just default emotions. No one helps him, because if they do they will receive the same treatment. No one notices, because ignoring his misery is easier than feeling empathy. Left alone, the only reason ''love'' is in his vocabulary is because his parents say that word with sarcasm.

    In his endless hell of torment and misery, he calls out to god. "Why? Why must I live? Please, god, just kill me, or make the pain stop..."

    But the pain doesn''t stop. The next day, all his fingers are broken so he can''t tie a rope to hang himself with.

    ''...

    What was I thinking about again...? It got so blurry, I can''t remember...oh well, I''m sure it wasn''t important. Just like how I''m not important...happy thoughts, happy thoughts! I''m a grown man in a little girls body!

    ...

    God, screw you.''

    Making a snap decision that I''ll probably regret later, I speak to these men as an undertaker would speak to corpses. That is, assuming the undertaker was batshit and lonely...well, he wouldn''t necessarily need to be crazy, he''d just need to be lonely. Hey, maybe I could..

    No. I''m may be in desperate need of a social life, but that''s going too far. I''ll just save this idea...

    "You! Men that god has cast from his sight, I offer you a choice of death and peace, or an unending torrent of endless pain  and misery!"

    They look at me with fearful and questioning eyes, wondering what I''m going to do.

    "Should you choose peace, I shall give it to you painlessly, and offer up a prayer for you, though god has never answered me."

    Their eyes seem to light up when I say this, and I see something incredible in their eyes...

    "However, if you are stupid and crazy enough to choose agony and regret for the rest of your pitiful lives, then I shall give you something that will hurt you even more."

    They look at each other, and start to talk. Seeing that they will take a while, I turn around and sit cross-legged and dream of fields of flowers, tainted with unholy sins.

    The sun soon lowers itself to the horizon, and beautiful shades of orange and yellow streak out over the sky. Sensing the silence behind me, I turn around and look into the faces of four corpses that can still speak.

    "Well? Are you ready to receive peace? Please close your eyes, and think of something happy while I send you on your way-"

    "Ahem, actually..." the man on the far left who had a short beard spoke up from his position of sitting on the ground. "We have decided to continue to feel pain. To quit after all this... it just doesn''t seem right, y''know?"

    "Don''t be stupid, you can''t possibly-"

    You could be reading stolen content. Head to Royal Road for the genuine story.

    The man sitting to the right of short beard, whose defining feature was his thin nose, laughed nervously. "Stupid we may be, but I still want to live. To just give up after coming so far...it just doesn''t sit well with me."

    Goatee laughed even louder, and said his part as well. "We''re grateful to you for giving a choice, and not just, well, killing us off. It''s very thoughtful of you to give us a way out, but if I''ve learned something in all my years, it''s that things can always change for the better."

    Shocked into silence, I just sit there and brood. ''These idiots...they can''t possibly know what they''re getting themselves into, and yet...''

    I turn to the one on the far right, who was clean-shaven and had no discerning features. "Well? What about you? Are you the only one out of the four who has some common sense?"

    He looked deep into my eyes, and said, "Well, yeah. God only knows that these fools have less than a brain among the three of them."

    Sighing in relief, I stand up and get ready to send him off peacefully.

    But, he wasn''t done. "You see, because these fools have no common sense, I have to live with them, if only to keep them out of trouble. Who knows what kind of trouble they''d get into if I''m not there to keep my eye on them."

    Playful abuse and curses were hurled among the four of them, and I just fall back on my haunches.

    ''This...this is what I am missing.''

    Watching these four, laughing while having no idea of what lies ahead of them-perhaps this is why I care about them.

    Suicide was just an unreachable dream for me, the holy grail of life. Death meant peace, and end to pain, closure.

    And yet, I had never actually done it. I had been conditioned out of it, so that the very thought of death by my own hand sent shivers down my spine and caused me to look back in fear. So, why was it that when these four-who were offered the most precious way out-refused?

    Because they had a reason, they had each other, and most of all-they had hope. Hope that things could get better than what they are. Perhaps I could learn from them...

    But not now. My demons are not done with me yet, and hope is just a fools fantasy. Let these fools dream, I will not spoil their happiness. Now, how do I give power to men who are lower than dirt...?

    Gathering one element after another, pretty soon I have just a little of every element except for light and holy floating around me(for obvious reasons) and I begin to experiment. Putting the elements into different formations, I was soon so consumed in the joy of discovering the unknown that I didn''t notice the suns last, dying breath.

    Chill sets in, and I feel the cold begin to emanate from within. All that I need, is right in front of me.

    Gathering curse element, I set out a delicate framework. Setting foundations in dark, I begin to gather one ice element after another, putting them together in a mixing pot of magic. Pounding, compressing, folding and bending, stretching and pushing the elements, I refine and define them.

    As the element begins to lose its'' impurities, the air around me glows with a soft, frigid light. Awed faces from the four show that they know powerful magic is being exercised here. But, this wasn''t just some spell.

    This was different.

    When making spells, you learn how to quickly make formations that will fall apart at just the right moment. For this, however, I built a formation built to last.

    As I refined the ice element, it started to grow heavy and unstable. I sweated, trying to wrest control of the element from nature. The purer it got, the harder it was to keep the element separate from the environment. But, I prevailed. After minutes that felt like hours, I begin to mold the refined ice element into bricks, which I place within the framework of curse. keeping it together with mortar made of dark.

    After another hour, my work is complete. I sit in silence, a bright, frigid light slowly circling me, reacting to the use of so much ice element.

    Taking the four structures I had made, I materialize them. It felt easier than I thought it would, and in my hands appeared four identical objects.

    With a final intake of breath I do not need, I ask the four one last time.

    "Are you certain you don''t want to turn back now? There is still time, you don''t have to do this."

    They look at each other, and slowly, slowly...

    A smile breaks out on their faces. One after another, they nod.

    Bowing my head in defeat, I rise to my feet.

    Standing beneath the moonlit night, I approach the men, four spikes glowing bright.

    Bright and happy faces, innocent despite their ages.

    I tried to help them, and I have failed.

    by their own choice, they shall be impaled.

    One after another, I stab the spikes into the men''s hearts.

    Screams rise into the night as frost spreads from the men''s chests.

    The chances of them surviving this?

    12%

 Chapter 13: Popsicles (Mmm!)

    Three minutes after we started, thin nose died. Unlike the others, he had a disease that affected his health, leaving him with no chance for survival.

    Other than that, things were going well. Goatee and Short Beard were rolling around screaming their hearts out while they spasmed, the frost slowly enclosing their torso.

    In fact, Plain seemed to have no problem whatsoever. His body was twitching and jerking, but only a few inches. His eyes were closed, and he breathed deeply and evenly, even though his lungs quivered. To think that one of these four had such a suitable body and disposition for this.

    Shifting my gaze back to Thin Nose, I thought it would be a shame to waste such a complex spell. So, grimacing at the gore, I ripped the ice stake out of his chest, and examined it.

    Thin Nose was completely frozen, his skin cracked and the bones underneath showing strain. His eyes had burst from the pressure, and his skull and body was bloated with frozen water. Blood would have leaked out, but it was frozen. Meanwhile, the stake was completely untouched. And, looking at it from here, it seemed like something was missing from the spell...

    Gathering an element that seemed to have a mind of it''s own, I start to think. This element is unknown to me, and it fights me every chance it gets. The second my mind wonders, it speeds toward me and attempts to destroy me. And yet...

    I can feel the power. Pulsing beats like the sound of drums echo from every particle, creating a symphony of bass. Just holding this element, I close my eyes and feel the pulse wash over me. A sense of energy, of arrogance, and self importance rushes into me.

    ''Why am I even helping them? I should just kill these ants before they wake up.''

    Shaking my head, I try to empty my head of such thoughts. Such nostalgic emotions....anyway!

    Gathering more of this chaotic element, I fill the frozen structure of my spell, and seal it within using more curse and dark. Eventually, the chaotic element will eat away the bricks of ice, and spill out. However, during that process leaking will occur. To the person it is administered to, it will be as if hell had a hell. But, if they have a strong enough mind, they will be able to handle the constant corruption. Though, it doesn''t matter how strong you are. Once the walls collapse, no mortal will survive...

    But, what was it that Plain had said? "I have to look after them."

    If I were to give him this, he will die young. Reaching the age of forty would be a miracle. But, he chose to live. So, I will give him the means to surpass all others and become strong enough to protect the other two.

    Without a second thought, I grab Plain by the neck and throw him to the ground. Putting my foot on the back of his neck, I carefully place the spike that glowed red near the base of his spine, at the small of his back. As I do this, I notice the rings with strange symbols glowing red and pulsing with the element.

    Without any hesitation, I lift my arm and jam the stake as far into  his back as I can. As blood spurts from the wound, the stake begins to lap it up, thrumming louder the more it tastes. Plain begins to scream.

    Hearing that sweet tune, my rings glow even brighter.

    Snapping out of the reverie, I drag a boulder over by it''s element and sit atop it, preparing to begin my sentinel.

    The other two are still screaming, so that means they''re still alive. Honestly, it''s amazing that three of them have survived this long. Other than plain, I expected the two of them to succumb to the frost within an hour. Looking over at them, I see something strange.

    Short Beard and Goatee are kneeling with their heads held against the ground, in a posture of prayer. Holding up the backs of their hands, both of them are biting a tattoo in the shape of a mouth filled with teeth. Meanwhile, the frost had fully engulfed their chests, and had begun to make it''s way along their limbs. Looking at the rate the ice is spreading, both will be dead before sunrise. A shame, but at least they will be going to a place where their existence means something. Wether that purpose is endless torment or paradise, it is all beyond me. Plain is howling with all his might, and black mist is being expelled from his breath. Looks like the taint has made it''s way into his lungs.

    Honestly? I hoped they''d die. They are brave, but they are fools.

    There is no such thing as "Things turning out for the better." It''s just something god says to keep the people docile so he can play with them.

    Looking once again at Thin Nose, I see that the ice has begun to melt and fluid is seeping out in a puddle around him. Becoming curious, I felt something tickle the back of my mind. The sight of a dead body that had been alive a couple of minutes ago stirred something up in my heart...not. I don''t have a heart anymore, just a useless piece of flesh that sits in the middle of my chest. Stretching out my hand, I speak the words that come to my mouth.

    "Rise"

    At first, nothing happens. Then, jolting up, Thin Nose sits up and gets to his feet. Coming to stand before me, he stands silently.

    Correction, not ''him.'' It. Thin Nose was just a corpse now.

    Still, I''m curious as to what is happening. Turning my attention away from the howling men, I get up and walk around the corpse.

    ''How does it stay up? Why does it seem to look at me, even when it''s eyes are turned away?''

    Giving it a hesitant poke, I wait curiously for the reaction. I got none.

    Sitting there passsivly, I got the impression it was holding itself back. Holding itself back from what? Following it''s gaze, I looked once more at the three men. For the two, the ice had reached their knees and elbows, and the ice was beginning to creep up their necks. Meanwhile, black veins pulsed with a burning red, popping out in spiderwebs all over Plains body.

    ''Does Thin Nose retain memory of them from when he was alive...?''

    However, the eyes did not contain warm feelings. It reminded me of a cat staring at a mouse just out of reach. Then I realized that something was pushing at me, and that thing was foreign. It wasn''t that the corpse was holding itself back, rather it was being dominated by my mind. And not in a million years would this corpse with half a brain be able to dominate me.

    Royal Road is the home of this novel. Visit there to read the original and support the author.

    Subconsciously telling it to turn around, it obediently turns to face me. Inside it''s eyes, it seems to have no interest in me. It seems that hunger doesn''t drive the corpse, but rather, it hungers after warmth and life. Like me.

    At first it''s just a grin, but soon I''m smiling and chuckling. Soon that chuckling evolves into full-throated laughter, and finally graduates into yells of amusement. I''m laughing so hard that I feel my tear ducts attempt to work, but it''s just a habit from when I was alive. That''s right, no tears from the dead. Perhaps that is why loved ones cry at your funeral, to let you think you''re crying along with them, one last time.

    But I have never had loved ones. All I have had is one or two people who didn''t abuse me.

    Getting back up, the corpse seems completely unmoved. I would have shivered at it''s lifeless gaze had I not already forgotten how. Having a chill emanate from you 24/7 really lets you gain resistance to the cold. Once again pondering over this corpse, I come up with a hypothesis. Perhaps this corpse is like my True Form, emotionless.

    ''Wait...what''s my True Form?''

    Experimentally, I say in my head "Activate -True Form-."

    Error: Unable to take -True Form- due to emotional blockage. Before activating this ability, please remove the mental block.

    ''Mental block? Why would I have a mental block stopping me from doing something?''

    Answer: Because of your previous actions while in -True Form- your subconscious has sealed the ability away.

    So...basically, it was my fault. Maybe that was why I forgot the last...I don''t know how long. Maybe it has something to do with this ''emotional blockage.''

    Never the less, I need to think of my current problems. Besides, I''m sure -True Form- isn''t that useful anyway.

    Looking back at the walking corpse, I feel nothing but disgust. But, perhaps this ability of mine can come in handy. You never know when having an extra pair of hands can be helpful. Thinking this way, I try to remember any stories of people raising the dead. As close as I can remember, the people who could do this were either really powerful priests, or really evil mages. Can''t tell what they have in common, but I''m sure I''ll find out more eventually.

    But, I at least know that what I can do is uncommon, which means I shouldn''t go bragging about it. Priests get their robes in a twist when someone claims to do something they can''t. Of course, the priest in my village had been different. He would always hold classes for reading, and all you had to do in order to join was let the priest touch you. I learned to read reasonable well that way, but I had to stop because the priest seemed to take a liking to me, and invited me over to the confession stall. A that point, I promptly ran away. I was really grateful to my brothers for beating me that night, it helped me forget. But, a couple days later the priest disappeared, and I can''t remember what exactly I was doing when the news came...

    Anyway, now is the present. It''s not good to dwell on the past.

    ...what was I thinking about...?

    circling the corpse, I start thinking of ways to put it to use. But, I have no idea other than telling it to hold down Plain. He was starting to spasm even more violently, and with that force if he were to hit a rock he could break something, possibly his skull. I walk over to examine the two once again, to find that they have stopped screaming. Thinking that they were dead, I walk forward to set them to rest, and close their eyes should they remain open, when I hear muttering.

    The ice has claimed every part of their body, and all that is left uncovered is their faces. With their lips moving, the rasp of a dry throat seems to suggest harmony. They were trying to sing!

    I almost laughed again, but when I saw that the ice was retracting, I shut up.

    ''How? How is this possible? They should be dead!''

    It''s been five hours since we''ve begun, they should have lost the will to live an hour ago!

    And yet...

    They did not.

    Turning to look at Plain, I still hear the screaming. I see blood coming out of his pores, instead of sweat. HIs eyes are closed tight, but I know what lays beneath.

    And yet...

    His fist is clenched. Clenched around a plate of metal hanging from his neck, and the strangest thing...

    He''s grinning!

    He''s looking death and worse in the eye...and he''s smiling!

    They should be dead. They should have long since given into the pain, and still they refuse! Bleeding from his pores, corruption tainting his entire body, and still he fights on!

    The two are singing a silent song, harmonizing with each other even though their ears no longer work. Singing together though their lungs don''t work. They stay in beat with each other, even though their hearts are still. And yet, they''re not done.

    Just when I thought I could no longer be surprised...

    *Bump-ump* *Bump-ump*

    I hear it! I can hear their hearts restart, and through the element in the stakes, I feel their blood begin to move.

    No. No way can someone have so much will to live. I can''t believe it, I can''t!

    (You cannot, or you willnot?)

    They should be dead. They should be frozen corpses. Instead, they are alive.

    I can not speak. I can not think. I can not feel.

    Falling to my knees, I admit defeat. Even though I did my best to kill them, they refused to die.

    So be it.

    These goddamn fools...making me care about them.

    The sun begins to rise, and it shines upon three of the biggest fools of them all.

 Chapter 14: I Swear I Didnt Try to Kill You on Purpose! Hehe!

    The sun rose on five individuals. Three of which were alive.

    Well, somewhat alive.

    Joel, (Formerly known as ''Goatee'') had a bitch of a headache. Not to mention his limbs were numb, and he felt like his head was frozen to his neck.

    Joses, (Formerly Known as ''Short Beard'') felt at his frosty prickles, marveling at their sharpness. Due to the numbness of his hands, he pushed too hard and drew blood. (Really? Cutting yourself with your beard?)

    Meanwhile, Plain was passed out on the ground, drool seeping out of his mouth. Black specks could be seen in said drool.

    Groaning, Joel and Joses were stretching. They were so sore that just twitching caused cramping and pain.

    "Ah!" Joses, having found out what a cramp in the thigh felt like, began to say words no little girl should hear. In fact, no grown man should hear them either.

    "Oi! What did you do to us, kid?" Joel, who was beginning to regain his sense of touch, had tried to get up and fallen over.

    Passively looking over the two of them, I tried to snap out of the current near-emotionless state. "You bastards...why the fucking hell did you survive?"

    Cramps forgotten, the two looked over. Joel, as usual, spoke. "What? You were trying to kill us?!"

    "No shit! Why the hell did you think I stuck great big stakes in your hearts?! You think I was concerned about your welfare? You tried to kill me! The least you could''ve done is died..."

    Shocked into silence, the two started to edge slowly backward, trying to get away from me. Their cramps defeated them, and they fell over in an amusing way, all the while howling and swearing like sailors. This time, it was Joses who spoke. He seemed to have the larger repertoire of swears between the two of them. "You bitch! I can''t believe you heard all of our hopes and dreams, and still tried to kill us!"

    "I was bored! What else do you expect me to do?"

    They looked at me, and Joel once again chose to speak. "...You were bored, so you decided to kill us?"

    "Yep!"

    "What do they teach kids these days..."

    "I''m not a kid! I turned eighteen yesterday!"

    Looking me up and down, the two just snorted and looked away. Joses, who seemed more of a troublemaker, gave a snide comment in passing. "...Was that eighteen months...?"

    Because they were looking away, they didn''t see the hailstorm begin to whip up on my face. ''Hohoho...these fucks won''t know what hit''em...kukuku...''

    For some reason, laughing like that made me feel violated, but I did it anyway. "So, since you don''t seem to believe me, I''ll teach you a lesson my father taught me."

    Seemingly interested, they turned back around, except I wasn''t there.

    "Let''s see how long you can stay upside down before you throw up, hmmm?"

    Hoisting the both of them up, I tie them up like chickens with a frozen string and hang them from a nearby branch. Once they were securely bound, I ripped two pieces of cloth off their pants and tied them around their mouths. Then, I took a fist and smacked them in their stomach.

    Hearing appropriate retching sounds, I turned away from the squirming men and walked over to kneel beside Plain. His situation seemed to be worsening, and the black flecks had become globs of gelatinous black fluid/solid.

    If I did nothing, he would die within minutes.

    ''Well, at least two of them will get out of this...''

    But, for some reason...

    Why does the thought of him dying disappoint me?

    After all that, after fighting it off for seven hours, he is going to lose.

    Maybe I just want to see the result of my experiment?

    No. His grip on the tablet chained to his neck has weakened, and he is only barely holding on.

    Do I just want to see what the tablet contains?

    No. I find myself pushing him fully on his side and tilting his head up to create a striaght line for his throat. In response, a larger-than-usual glob is spat out. This one has red flecks, and blood came out too.

    In fact, his whole body is painted with dried blood. The bleeding from his pores must be what weakened him, giving him symptoms of blood loss.

    Still, why is it that I''m rubbing the small of his back, where the stake remains, stuck in his body. I had briefly looked over at it, and the skin surrounding the stake was blackened, and throbbing veins extended from it that did not contain blood. As I watched, the blackened skin spread a few centimeters and the throbbing continued in ernest.

    It was just too much for him, that''s all. It''s not his fault, he just wasn''t strong enough.

    (Since when where you strong enough to pass judgement on others?)

    This text was taken from Royal Road. Help the author by reading the original version there.

    It''s my fault, sure, but I''d had worse done to me, and I still survived. Wait, how did something worse than this happen to me...?

    ...

    Anyway, I can just leave him like this. It won''t affect me, and I''m even doing a service.

    So why is my hand twitching?

    I don''t even know him. He''s just someone I met on the road. Sure, he is one of the only decent people I''ve ever met, but that doesn''t matter. I''m sure their are a lot of good people in the world.

    ...

    Where? Where are these ''good people'' and why have I never seen them?

    Without my conscious thinking, I move my hand along the edge of the black skin, leaving behind a line of silver.

    I have met some hundred people in my life, that I can remember. How many of them showed an inch of kindness?

    Well, there was-no, never mind. Wait! there was-no, not her either...I know! He-no, it was just so he could...

    Slowly looking back over them, I ticked them off, one by one. Within seconds, I was left with no one.

    I completed the circle without looking, and began to draw further lines within the buckling circle.

    One of the two troublemakers finally managed to get his gag loose, and yelled "Hey! What are you doing to Rolant?!"

    Finishing the spokes, I start the intercepting circles. ''Huh, so that''s his name? Sounds stupid to me, I''ll just keep calling him ''Plain.'' I wonder if his face will turn red if I do that. Kukuku...''

    For some reason, the laughter felt appropriate. I wonder why...

    Finishing the larger cicles, I continue on to the irregular shapes that fill in the empty spaces. I wonder how I know all this...

    ...

    Know what again...?

    Yelling back at the troublemaker "Shut up and drink up the rest! Food doesn''t grow on trees, you know!"

    Silence, followed by more screaming. "First of all, ew! And secondly, food does grow on trees! You''re really an idiot, aren''t you?"

    "Shut up! I''m busy finishing off this worthless waste of space!"

    I hear the branch begin to creak as the troublemakers try and swing to break out of their bonds. I''m surprised it took them this long to figure it out. I''d better hurry, or else they''ll interrupt me.

    ...interrupt what, again...?

    Having finished the irregular shapes, I draw the seven hundred assorted runes in a flash and place my fingers on the five points of the main spokes, press, and twist.

    Huh, I wonder where I learned how to draw runes.

    ...What runes...?

    Having finished the seal, I sigh and lean back. It was tiring to draw all of those lines exactly right, and I would have messed up if Plain had moved at all during the process.

    ...oh right, he stopped moving...

    Well, guess I was too late. Oh well!

    "Ghhh..."

    Turning away, I mutter, "Damit!" under my breath.

    (It will only get harder to forget)

    Turning back, I smile as brightly as I can, and say "Welcome back to the land of the living, soon to be dead!"

    (You can not lie forever)

    He looks at me, then groans even louder. "Uhh...why does it have to be a little girl whose hands are covered in blood..."

    Looking down, I see that my hands are, in fact, drenched with red stuff. "hehe, silly man! This is just berry juice, and not evidence that suggests that I was trying to murder you seconds ago! Hehe!"

    (Sooner than you think, you will have to come to terms with yourself)

    Looking at me with doubt, he makes sure to get a few feet away from me. "Of course, berry juice. And why are my friends hanging from a tree with vomit running from their noses?"

    "hehe, we were playing a game! I definitely didn''t torture them for the fun of it! Silly me!"

    (You will have to accept the worst parts of yourself)

    Sighing, Plain lies back down and closes his eyes. "Well, when you''re done playing the game, get some sleep. I have the feeling tomorrow will be a busy day."

    "Hehe, sure!" The frantically screaming and flailing troublemakers seemed unable to gain Plains attention, and finally resolve themselves to being the play things of a sadistic little girl. When they fell unconscious from the blood going to their head, I drew something on their chests, but I can''t remember what...well, like Plain said, tomorrow will be a busy day! I want to finally see what a city looks like. I can''t wait!

    (You will have to accept the truth)

    <hr />

    Well, that''s a wrap! remember, if you have any questions I''ll be happy to answer them, assuming the answer doesn''t contain spoilers. Happy reading!

    (You idiot, this is supposed to be about a depressed person)

    Oh right...Thanks, bodiless voice!

    (You''re welcome) :)

 Chapter 15: The Lost Lamb

    Plain opened an eye.

    Perhaps it was the shriller than usual squeal from the duo, or maybe Plain was just finished with his nap. Either way, he was up now, and I wanted to inspect him.

    Why do my cheeks feel hot when I think I''m going to "inspect" him. I honestly don''t know, this is too complicated for me.

    "Oh, you''re up! Quick, take your shirt off and turn around."

    Without questioning me, he pulled the fabric up and over his head, and turned around. When I got to him, the height problem resurfaced, and I had to ask him to sit down. Taking a close look, what I saw was something resembling a black-iron nail driven through the base of his spine. If this was a regular nail, this would have killed him. Not to mention the extra stuff I put in...

    ...

    What stuff...? Anyway, the seal seemed to be working fine. I''d probably have to update it in a couple weeks when his body finishes adapting to the foreign energy. Speaking of which, what did I do to him?

    I can fuzzily recall that it has something to do with the elements, and the reason I purified them, but my head hurts right now...I''ll think about it later. Maybe something will jog my memory.

    "Hmmm...everything seems alright. Damn...I was so close..."

    Plain shifted, and touched his back. "Hey, where did you learn to make these shapes?"

    "..."

    "..."

    "..."

    He was poking me. "Hey, are you going to answer my question?"

    "Hm? What question? And you just woke up, you should be resting your mind. No doubt you had nightmares, and they would have drained you a lot, so just stay sti... actually, how about we go for a run? Maybe do some intense workouts? Get that blood pumping! Hehe!"

    He turned back around. "I see. Then, how about we get Jo and Jo down from there."

    "You call them both Jo?"

    He nodded. "Yeah, even after knowing them all my life, I still can''t tell them apart."

    "But...they look totally different. They even have different facial hair. Look, the one with the goatee is Jo-"

    "Shhh...they are both the same."

    "W-whatever you say..."

    I''m starting to think these aren''t just average bandits. But, then again, I did just barely impale them fatally with large spikes, and yet they''re still breathing. Maybe I shouldn''t be questioning small personality quirks right now.

    Hoof beats.

    I turned around, and felt the ground shake just slightly underneath my feet. Must be some pretty big horses, and quite a few of them too.

    Moving toward the two, I first cut down Joel-or was it Joses? No, I''m sure it''s Joel, cause he''s the one with the...the...what did he have again? Was it the goatee or the beard... I really can''t tell which is which. They''re not even twins! Don''t I have perfect memory? And yet, their names and faces just sorta...blend together. I see, this is why Plain calls them both Jo. They are carbon copies of each other.

    Once both are on the ground, they run behind Plain and make themselves as small as possible, whimpering and wiping away tears. Such babies...I didn''t even get to my dads favorite game-The love stick! "Leverage and momentum is key!" as he would say.

    The hoof beats were getting closer. Soon, we would be able to see the riders.

    Joses-or was it Joel?-worked up the courage for a question. "H-hey, where is Fen? He was the other guy with us."

    I looked back at him, which caused his quivering to increase. "Hm? You mean Thin Nose? Oh, he died a couple minutes after it started. I buried him."

    Plain made no movement, but for a simple dip of the head. I guess his ''moment of silence'' wasn''t any different from any other moment. The two looked surprised, but they seemed to accept it. Death must be a common occurrence where they come from. Then again, death is common anywhere you go.

    "Yeah...I always thought that cough of his was going to get him killed some day. I tried to tell him to go to a temple, but he said the strokes weren''t that bad...poor guy."

    I just shook my head. "He is not the unfortunate one out of you. Rather, he is the luckiest. You are the poor souls confined to this plain of existence."

    The two looked at me, then said something that made me want to hit them some more. "Wow...for a little girl, she sure is smart."

    But, before I had the chance to give them another thrashing, the owner of the hoof beats arrived.

    A dozen brightly shining and radiant warhorses kicked up dust as they came to a stop. They were covered in gold-and-silver armor with intricate designs. The equally radiant men riding the horses stepped out of their stirrups, and slipped to the ground as one.

    They certainly are synchronized...

    The leading figure, who stood a good six and a half feet, came forward with a swaggering stride. "Hail, peons! You have the honor of addressing his holy magnificence, Sir Paladin Rodrick the Just!"

    Hmmm...Rodrick, huh? Well, better not piss him off. Paladins get offended when you so much as spit. Getting down on one knee, and seeing the other three do the same thing, I bring my arm up to my brow in a salute. "Hail, Sir Rodrick!"

    Out of the midst of the dozen men, came an even more intricately dressed tin can. The first time I met a paladin, it had been during a spring festival. At first, I thought there were six paladins, but it turns out that paladins only travel alone, except for especially special events. They gather retainers, men and women of renown and skill, to support them. Of course, the retainers are as powerful as a nobles entire retinue, which usually consist of three-five hundred hired thugs, but they aren''t the real force. There is a reason they are gathered around a paladin, and are still only support.

    The tale has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation.

    I feel the pressure begin to build, and the weight on my shoulders increases until I feel like I am lifting a tree.

    There are less than a hundred paladins on the continent, and that is because only those who attain a certain level are awarded this title. On his own, a paladin can level a large town or city. They are an army unto themselves, which is why they only gather for special reasons. Have more than one of these monsters in one place, and things start to get dangerous for the pedestrians. Just the presence of two of these guys would crush all the bones in a normal mans body. Having three would mean your bones turn to jelly. This is why only powerful men and women are chosen as retainers, because they are the only ones who can resist getting crushed just by being near them.

    The paladin draws near to me, and just nods, not bothering to take off his helmet. He then walks toward Plain and the two.

    The two have started sweating, as they are having a hard time staying on their knees. However, Plain shows no reaction whatsoever to the paladins presence. This obviously interests the paladin.

    "Hmmm...you have a strong will. If you ever get the chance, go to a temple and tell them Rodrick sent you. Perhaps after you have completed some training and gained some renown, I can take you as a retainer. Work hard."

    Then he turned, and walked back. The two relaxed, and the paladins retainers were chattering, excited at the chance of a new comrade.

    I let out a sigh of relief. I''m glad that the paladin didn''t notice me-

    "What is a spirit doing possessing a girls body?" Rodrick whispers in my ear.

    I feel the urge to shake, to run, to get as far away as possible. But, instead I do something that surprises me. Reaching up, I cusp his chin in my tiny hand. The retainers and the two are shocked still, and the air freezes. The pressure coming from Rodrick increases, and if he keeps increasing it my body will collapse. So, leaning close-

    ""Shal''ko, Do Gura"

    Instantly, the pressure disappears. The paladins breathing stops, and I feel his chin tremble slightly. "H-how do you-"

    "Shhh...be still, little one. You are worthy of honor, so continue as you have. Do not let darkness consume you."

    He started shaking visibly, and stood up as fast as he could. Bobbing his head, he quickly steps back and ignores his retainers questions, ordering them to get back into their saddles. Turning his horse, he rides in the opposite direction. Turning back to look at me one last time, I saw the fear in his eyes.

    But, it was not fear of the likes of nightmares. Rather, it was the fear a man has for a being far above his understanding. The fear that is present in all men when they confront a god.

    "Kukuku...to fooled by something like that. Still, I guess I did give him good advice."

    "Shal''ko Do Gura"

    "Turn back, lost lamb."

    Maybe I''ll think about this more later. But my head feels so fuzzy...

    ...

    Anyway, time to go! I just need to talk with Plain and the two.

    ---

    Plains'' POV

    Rodrick leaned down towards the little girl that was not, and after a short interchange the paladin stood up abruptly and rode away as fast as he could. The Jo with a beard was saying something.

    "Damn...even a paladin is scared of her. And for good reason, she''s so cruel..."

    I smacked himon the head. "Cruel? Tell me, how do you feel?"

    He looked down, and said "I hurt, everywhere."

    I nodded. "And, what about your temperature?"

    "Feels pretty normal-" He looked shocked.

    "You see now."

    He nodded. "So, all of that hitting us and flipping us was to get our blood moving, and get rid of the chill. That deathly chill."

    This dawned on the other Jo, and he nodded too. "Wow...so she is actually nice! I never would have thought! I should look at her with a new light! She''s a really decent person!"

    The girl walked over to us. "Yo! Let''s go!"

    I asked, "Go where?"

    "To the city!"

    I looked at her, and replied "We would need money, and we do not have any."

    She got a proud and mischievious look on her face. "Kukuku! Behold, my spoils!"

    Held in her hand was an expensive looking purse, that made an audible clinking sound as it was lifted. One of the Jo''s burst out: "Wait! You didn''t just steal from a paladin, one of gods chosen!?"

    "Hehe, sure did! And he was rich, too!"

    "Forget what I said about decency...she really is sadistic. Us getting warm was just a side effect, wasn''t it?"

    She looked at us in confusion for a second, then swore loudly. "Fuck! I forgot! If I had just let you fall asleep, you would have died from the cold! GODDAMNIT! I WAS THIS CLOSE!"

    I watched as the girl chased Jo and Jo with a stick, and idly thought to myself...

    When is she going to tell us about her secrets?

    ---

    AN: I would apologize for not posting in three days, but I am not gonna. Excuses are the nails in the house of failure. So, I''m just gonna promise to try and write more often. But, part of this is up to you. Give me ideas, tell me your opinions, tell me what you''re thinking. (I promise it''s because I care about your opinions, and not just because I want to leech off of my readers)

    Suck, suck, suck.

    Mmm...give me your lifeforce! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

 Chapter 16: A "Kind" Encounter

    Having short legs was really a disadvantage. At first, I thought perhaps having a smaller body would be good, since I would make a smaller target. However...

    "Hehe, hurry up, shorty!" Yelled the overly cheerful Jo. I would have to re-educate him later, as soon as I found another tree...

    True, I did have to take three steps for each of theirs, but because I didn''t get tired I could still manage to keep up. However, it was a blow to my pride having to run to keep up with someone who was walking at a leisurely pace. The road stretched far out in the distance, and the crunch of gravel under boots was the only prevailing sound.

    If I had to say, I would call this land a plain. Hehe, "Plain." Tall grass and soft soil lay to either side of the road, and no trees were within sight. This meant an absence of sticks, so now that I had broken my "Encouragement" stick, I had no way to replace it.

    Still, all this running was getting to me. I don''t know if it was a psychological memory from when I was alive, but I felt drowsy. Though, I did use a huge amount of mana just last night. Even after twelve hours, I had still only recovered about half. This would make things dicey if we ran into anything...which we will. Oh well, it''s all right. The worst that could happen is that all five of us die.

    Which reminds me...

    Thin Nose, who I had decided to dub "Unpaid worker I" Or "U" for short, had continued to follow us after he dug himself up.

    When I told the three that I had buried Thin Nose, I wasn''t lying. I just left out the part about me raising him from the dead. Yeah...I''m gonna have a guilty conscience. Nothing new.

    Whew, all this running is making my legs feel stiff. I''ll have to stretch them out again. So troublesome-

    "Ahh!" I exclaimed as something lifted me up into the air. Looking down, I was gently set down on Plains'' shoulders.

    "w-what are you doing?" I said while struggling.

    "It is faster this way." He said in a monotone.

    I thought about it, went through about five different methods of torture in my head, then gave up and just put my head down and rested it in his hair. My mana would recharge faster this way, anyway. So soft...

    Before I noticed it, the city''s wall was looming over us, and the bustle of the gate was loud in my ears. "Move along! Move along!"

    "Keep moving! Hurry up!"

    "Out of the way! I''m in a hurry!"

    ''So noisy...''

    We waited for about half an hour before finally getting to the front of the line, where the rude guard took one look at us, told us to cough up or get out, and went back to playing cards. When Plain produced a fat purse, the guard took it and handed us a couple coins, before shoving us in and swearing at us. Huh, he was actually pretty nice. Most people would have taken the money then given a beating to the owner.

    Maybe the city really is more civilized!

    ---

    Plains'' POV

    This little girl was confusing.

    One moment, she would swear at you and mutter about how if she had just pushed a little to the right, all of her problems would have disappeared. The next, she would look concernedly at your back and tap her chin thoughtfully.

    She was always lying, even when she told the truth.

    Maybe that was why I was so interested.

    As an orphan, being raised in a monastery, I had been taught that people should always be honest. But, if that was the case, then why was such a nice person lying?

    Even when they had been walking, she seemed like she could walk forever. But, at the same time, it seemed like she would collapse at any moment. Which is it?

    Is she strong? Is she weak? Is she good? Is she evil? Where did she come from? Where is she going?

    Even now, her body was cold as ice. Every movement that bumped her into me sent shocks of cold running up my spine. How is she alive with such a cold body?

    So many questions that only she can answer. I bumped into someone, and made sure to give their hand an extra squeeze as I pulled it out of my pocket. Honestly, I don''t understand those who steal. If I had anything to spare, I would just give it to them.

    Sadly, I think that the world isn''t as pure as what I had been led to believe in my childhood. At least two of my brothers are still with me. There used to be dozens of us, staying at the monastery, and now there was only three of us left.

    I walked past several alleys and winding streets, looking for a particular sign. When I found a wooden board with a dragon painted on in cheap and pealing paint, I knocked on the door and walked in.

    The smell of beer, stale food, and unwashed bodies hit me with an unpleasant strength. Followed by Jo and Jo I walked in and headed toward the counter. When I had caught the innkeep''s attention, I arranged for a room to be prepared. I tried to ask for two, but the girl insisted that she needed to keep an eye on us, so that she can take care of us.

    At first, I thought she had finally shown her true colors, but...

    "...Hehe, when they fall asleep I can smother them while they have nowhere to run..."

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    Still lying.

    "Oi!" a Loud, obnoxious voice called from a table in the back. Looking over, I saw three burly pi--men getting up from their seats, foamy mugs sloshing over onto their shirts. "I see you have a cute little sister!"

    "...We''ll see how "little" you think I am when I tear out your spine and choke you with it..."

    Laughing a little loudly to cover up he muttering, I nodded with a big and stupid smile. It would be best to avoid offending anybody, and the best way to get along with somebody was to make them think they are smarter than you. "Yeah, she''s just an angel, huh?"

    "...Just you wait, I will rip your heart out and use it as a sponge..."

    Looking at her with a lustful grin, he said "So, how much?"

    "...Your ears would make great pig food..."

    "How much for what?" I replied, keeping the stupid look prevalent on my face, and praying that they leave it.

    "...How about I cut your legs off at the knees, then we will see who is the short one..."

    With his friends laughing, he spread his hands and confirmed my fears. "Why, for your sister! I bet I could get a good price for her from...my sources. How about you leave her with me, and I''ll pay you for your trouble."

    She stopped talking. Instead, she was looking at me, but it wasn''t in fear...

    It was curious, as if to see what I''d do. Like she was testing me. When she noticed me returning her gaze, she grinned and twirled a strand of my hair in her finger, and whispered in my ear. "Perhaps that would be for the best. It''s a good deal, and he sounds like he''ll actually come through. With that kind of money, you should be able to provide for the two while you find a job. Chances like this don''t come too often, you should take it."

    I was speechless. In her eyes lay nothing but...resignation. As if this was just one instance in a long series of events that all led to the same destination.

    I felt horrible. How could a little girl talk like that? How could she tell me to sell her and comment on the reliability of the buyer in question? What happened to make her like this?

    My fingers twitched. My brothers backed off, and went behind the counter. They had seen this happen once before.

    I picked the girl up and set her on the ground. She turned to the men and took a step, but I grabbed her collar and tossed her to the two. Turning toward the three men, I felt my jaw tighten.

    "Father Jerome always told me to treat every living being with kindness..." My fingers curled into a fist.

    "U-um, I don''t know any father, but you are starting to scare me-"

    My eyes froze them in place. "So, I will kindly tell you..."

    ---

    Tree''s POV

    Being the only tree in the middle of a city was boring. In tree years, I was just older than sixteen. I wanted to talk to someone, maybe eye some other trees acorns...

    But, sadly, I was alone. I had been planted in the middle of a road to provide shade, (Which is top quality, I might add) and since then nothing interesting has happened. I''d waited and waited, year after year, and yet the most exciting thing to happen was a parade, when some kids hung lamps from my branches. Ever since that time, nothing has happened. Humans lives are too short, and all their problems are trivial.

    Though, there has been this one human who consistently comes by and sits on my branches, and eats my apples. A squire from the battle school higher up and closer to the castle. He always looks troubled, and I feel interested. Damn these blasted roots...!

    A strange atmosphere was coming from the inn near me. If I had to describe it, it was like the breath the sky takes right before it lets loose a thunder bolt. I heard a faint voice from inside...

    "I will kindly tell you..."

    Huh, I wonder why he sounds so angry when his words are so nic-

    "TO GO FUCK YOURSELVES!"

    A fat pig-man flew out of the wall, and crashed into my branches. Feeling surprised, I shook slightly and tried to dislodge the man, but-

    "AHHH!!!"

    FIrst one, then another man came flying out of three different holes in the wall. When a few seconds had passed, a dark haired man strode out of the door, and kicked me. Just like that, the three men fell from my branches and lay sprawled out on the ground.

    Even though the kick had hurt, I had to admire his skill.

    Leaning down, the man grabbed one of them by the collar and shook him. A small pouch fell from his pocket, then the man turned toward the gate, and threw the pig-man so hard that I heard a crack against the wall. The pig-man was soon joined by the other two, and the puffing man spat on the ground, and turned away. Two other men came out, and one surreptitiously picked up the pouch while the other distracted the black-haired man and led him back inside.

    As the door closed, I saw a little girl poke her head out of the door.

    Her face bespoke everything she ever knew being proved false before her eyes.

 Chapter 17: Grass Head

    After following a satisfied-looking Plain back to the innkeeper, we arranged for a room to be reserved and ordered some food. While we were waiting, the innkeeper seemed to want to be polite. I can''t complain because he told us everything that we needed to know about this city. Mostly because I grilled him like a salmon.

    The city was a huge circle/oval, depending on how stuck-up you were, and within the first and largest wall lay two others. The ring all the way to the outside was known as the peasants pit, which seems kind of self-depreciating, since that was where we currently were. After that, there was a smaller version of the outer wall, which seperated the wealthier citizens from the poor. Within that was the core, and it was usually referred to as "The bastards ring" because that was where the nobles lived. Outside the wall, beggars would set up little shelters leaning against the wall, since they couldn''t afford the entrance fee.

    The big boss around here was known as King Renard Sternfall the III. Although he was not loved by his people, he was respected as a man who saw what needed to be done, and did it. In my opinion, this marks him as one of only a few intelligent people. Instead of pandering to the people and bribing them, he instead let his actions speak for him. From what little the innkeep told us about him, I got the feeling he was a man I could respect. Well, the only man I could respect. Everyone else I knew was dead.

    Still, I got the urge to play a game of stones with him. I don''t know why, but I wanted to. I would never so much as see his bodyguards, but I still felt that if the chance presented itself, I would take it.

    Second up on the list of important people was the kings only child, a pansy by the name of Nele. Honestly, just hearing about him made me want to punch his lights out. Hearing things like "Curly brown hair that is soft as silk" and "A face so perfect you''d think he was an angel" really got on my nerves. Aparently, he regularly went out into the city to recieve priase from the poor. If I ever saw him, I''d give him something to remember me by. And by "something" I mean a scar. A really long one, preferably across his face.

    Whew, this is the first time I''ve instinctively hated someone. It felt good, for some reason.

    As the innkeep finished telling us about all this, the waitress came by and dropped off four plates of cheese and bread. I smiled wolfishly and pointed out the tree in front of the inn to the two Jo''s when their gaze lingered on the woman''s backside a little too long. Of course, I enjoyed the view, but that was different.

    Because I had no need to eat, I surreptitiously sneaked the food onto the others plates, making sure to lick every bite. I know it''s childish, but hey. The church says that all should be innocent like children, or something. I always fell asleep after a couple minutes of religious sermon, so I wasn''t so clear on the doctrine.

    Hearing the creak of a door, two strange people walked in.

    One was a tall woman, who stood nearly as tall as Plain, and her pointed ears and cold, pale face made her race obvious. Beside her stood a tall, green haired man, who was passably handsome. I say passably because I have no idea what women use to judge men, so I can''t really say for sure. When I was still, well, male, I think the women thought I was above average. But, that was before whatever happened to turn me into a little girl.

    The man called out to the innkeep, and after arranging for lodging, he looked around. Spotting my group, he did a double take after seeing me. For some reason, he looked above my head with an incredulous look. Walking quickly over to us, he bowed politely.

    "Excuse me, but would you mind if I sat with you?" He said, while looking at Plain.

    As one, the two Jo''s and Plain looked at me with a questioning look. Chuckling quietly to myself, "Fufufu, I''ve trained them well."

    Looking up at the green-haired man, I gave a nod. He looked relieved, and pulled over two chairs for him and his companion. He was dressed in partial armor, and he held a long sword and sturdy buckler. From the haphazard equipment and well-used gear, I guessed him to be an adventurer. The elf beside him was gripping a silver bow just a little too tightly.

    Well, it is to be expected. Elf''s are very sensitive to life, and to mistake me for a living being would take a gods'' intervention. Smiling a little, I leaned forward and showed off my teeth tot he elf. Seeing her squirm gave a gratifing feeling. Elf''s were also quite sensitive to the strength of living and non-living beings, so the fact that she was intimidated showed that she was weaker than me. Or, at least she believed that.

    Turning to the grass head once again, I suppressed the urge to tease the elf. Seeing a cute girl squirm was just too tempting. "So, what can I do for you? And, I would like to ask you how much you know."

    he looked at me in shock for a second, but quickly recovered. "Ha! It''s to be expected, after all. As to how much I know...nothing, except that you are the most powerful person I have ever met." He finished sincerely.

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    I twirled the knife the waitress had given us to cut the bread with in my fingers, and smirked. "You haven''t been around a lot, then. If a little girl is the most powerful being you have yet to meet, you must be one wimpy guy."

    He shook his head. "No, you are really strong! I mean, it would take me years to reach your level..."

    I just snorted. "Me? Strong? Hah! You haven''t seen a paladin yet, have you?"

    He got a look of interest, and quickly leaned forward. "Paladin? What''s that?"

    I smiled, and replied with "They are the most powerful warriors on the continent. Less than a hundred exist, and their mere presence can crush the life out of a man. So, tell me two things. First, tell me where you come from, as you are obviously a foreigner, and secondly, tell me how you came to the ridiculous conclusion that I am stronger than you."

    He opened and closed his mouth, seeming to be at a loss. Finally, after seeming to have an inner battle, he seemed ready to speak. "If I told you the truth of where I come from, you wouldn''t believe me. Just know that I am from far, far away. Secondly, I have an...ability, you could call it."

    "Hoho, an ability? What does it do?"

    He looked slightly embaressed for some reason. "I can tell a persons fighting ability via numbers above their head."

    I looked at him, then shook my head. "What kind of stupid lie is that? Are you going to insult me, or tell me the truth?"

    He hurriedly held up his hands in a calming gesture, and hurried to explain. "No! I''m telling the truth! You see, I''m level seven, and the other people in this inn are level one and two. The short beard and Goatee are both level fifteen, and the tall gentleman is...level forty-seven."

    I looked at him curiously. If he was telling the truth, this was quite an interesting ability. I had never heard of it before, either. "So? What level am I?"

    He looked uncomfortable. "Well, you are kind of strange. The numbers above you head say that you are level three, but then there is another number that says you''re level twenty-seven, and another one that says you are level one, and another one that says you''re level thirty-six. And, right beside it is a question mark, as if something is hidden. Plus, it says something about you being sealed, or blocked, or something."

    I thought about this, then motioned with my hand to have the two and Plain follow me. Getting up from the table, I waved goodbye to the innkeep, and led the two adventurers to a back alleyway behind the inn.

    Turning around, I reached up and grabbed grass head by the throat, and pushed him against the wall. Pressing my face close to his, and applying pressure with my knee into his pelvic region, I whisper into his ear. "How much do you know about me?"

    He gasps for air, and the two Jo''s have to hold back the elf and cover her mouth to stop her from screaming. I give him just enough room to breath, and listen intently. "I-I know nothing except for what the numbers say! I swear! I''m not trying to hurt you, please believe me!"

    Looking deep into his eyes, I brush a finger against his cheek. He flinches at the cold, and before he can react I stab a fingernail into his neck. His eyes pop out, and he looks scared enough to faint, but he doesn''t. Instead, his face hardens and he looks at me straight in the face. Pulling the bloodied fingernail out, I smile.

    Then I lick the blood, and taste the salty texture. Putting my lips up to the small hole in his neck, I catch the stream of blood spraying out. I am a half, after all.

    Once I had gotten enough, I pressed a finger to the hole, and just like that, it closed. Most vampires like to sink their teeth directly into the victim, but I don''t think I''m ready for that. Besides, who knows when he last washed his neck? I''m not putting something like that in my mouth. Still, I had enjoyed the feeling of drinking something. Even though I didn''t need to, because my original body had perished, and thus the disease of vampire was no longer with me I could still absorb blood. My mana had now fully recovered, and one other thing had been achieved.

    Letting the green-haired man fall to the ground, I pressed my finger against the back of his neck. Where my finger had pressed, a small symbol appeared, nearly too small to make out. And so, I had my first thrall. I let him keep his will, and the only commands I issued were that he can, under no circumstances, tell anyone else about me. Then I told the two t let the elf go, and explained that he was still alive and nothing had changed, except that he can''t talk about me. If he tries to, his throat will block up, or he''ll cough, and in extreme cases, he could temporarily lose his voice.

    Walking out of the alley, I stretched. So many interesting things had happened today! Now, I wanted to see a little bit of the city. As I was leaving, I heard a mutter from the alley. It was the green-haired man''s voice.

    "Damn...who knew a loli could be so scary?"

    I wonder what a ''loli'' is? I''ve never heard that word before...maybe it was from where he came from?

 Chapter 18: Meeting The Fanatic

    AN: Yay! Zeny''s back!

    ---

    Feeling somewhat self-conscious after having ambushed someone in a dark alley and drunken their fluid...yeah, it sounds a lot worse in my head. Good thing no one else said anything!

    "You know, that seemed a lot like what a wh-"

    I didn''t bother locating the offender. I just punched both Jo''s in their precious place. One advantage of being a girl, I don''t have that...particular weakness. Moving toward the loudest part of the city, I decided to engage Plain in conversation. I promptly failed and just walked the rest of the way in silence.

    ---

    Tree''s POV

    Watching the strange midget walk away after having ambushed two adventurers in an alley and taking advantage of them, I reaffirmed what I had already learned a long time ago.

    Humans sure are strange...

    Speaking of those water bags, that squire is coming down the road. When he came up to me he hoisted himself up into my branches and sat, idly picking an apple and taking up his customary position. I wonder what he''s watching...

    Suddenly, he dropped the apple. I wanted to hit him in the back of the head for wasting my fruit but-

    I''m a tree. Trees can''t really move, unless there''s wind.

    Goddammit...

    Why was I born with roots? Why can''t I have legs like those creatures that only live a hundred years? Why do they get what I want?

    Down the road walked an attractive woman, tall with fair skin and blonde hair. A generous bosom and good-sized caboose. What''s a caboose...? I think it means the back. I shouldn''t think about it too much.

    The squire ran up to the lady and went to one knee, but he got rejected royally. With just one hand, the lady pushed the squire to the side and made room for a large man, who probably hadn''t washed himself since his mothers blood was washed off.

    As the lady and the pig moved off, the squire walked sorrowfully over to my roots and sat down, seemingly too tired to climb back up. All his energy seemed to have left him, and he looked a like a puppet with its'' strings cut. I wonder if I can help him, but-

    I''m a tree.

    Goddammit!

    ---

    Lich POV

    "Hmmm...I wonder what it''s made of..." I muttered, while examining some foreign jewelry. The shop owner was olive skinned and spoke in an odd accent, but was polite and eagerly pointed out his various wares while telling me all the material that went into making them.

    As he was pointing things out to me, a familiar pig-man walked up. He had one massive bruise across the left side of his face, and a very large bump on his head. I felt very amused by the way he screwed up one eye, as he transformed himself into an even closer relative of the pig family. When he spoke, I almost expected oinking to come from his mouth.

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    Walking up to the shop owner, he seemed to miss my presence as I stood on the side of his bad eye. He leaned towards the shop owner and opened up with an aggressive taunt. "Hah! You seem to be selling pieces of rock you picked up off the ground, huh?"

    I saw the shop owner twitch, and reach under his table.

    The pig-man countinued to demean the merchandise, while the shop owners'' twitching picked up pace. Finally, the pig-man said some words that made the twitching come to a stop, and the shop owner became strangely still.

    "So, where the hell''re you from, anyway?"

    I stood back and watched, interested at what was to come.

    "First of all, my name is Rei. To answer your question, I am from the glorious country of Nihon, ruled by our great Shogun." He replied, in a dangerously calm voice.

    "Nihon?! What the fuck is that? Some kind of cesspool you found in a swamp?"

    The shop owners'' hand started to move, and I heard a strange slither of leather on metal.

    The pig-man continued: "And Shogun? Is that some kind of ugly orc you met-"

    A flash too fast for my eyes to follow, and suddenly the pig-man was missing a very valuable part of his body. One that was kind of necessary to live.

    "You can insult me. You can make fun of my wares. You can even take my country lightly-but to demean my god-filth!"

    The man was basically shaking, but sheathed his slightly curved sword with practiced ease.

    "Cool sword, can I see it?" I speak up.

    He looks over at me, then smiles. A couple guards came over, and when they saw the body''s'' identity, broad smiles broke out on their faces. They laughed and joked with the shop owner, (He seemed to be good friends with the guards, and called several of them by name) then took the body with them and left, waving goodbye.

    "Um, excuse me sir. Why is your "Shogun" so important to you?"

    He looked at me, then took on a proud smile.

    "My Shogun is the very embodiment of strength. I doubt a gaijin like you would have heard of us, but during my Shoguns'' rise to power, me and my buddies were known as "The Fanatics" and we served our Shogun with our body, mind, and soul."

    I nodded sagely. Waving goodbye to the strange man who could cut off someones head and have the guards come and clean up the body, I bumped into somebody.

    "Oh, my bad! Sorry, I wasn''t looking-"

    I stopped speaking, looking at the brown haired boy in front of me. He, likewise stared at me.

    For some reason, I really, really, wanted to punch him in his stupid face.

    "Oh, hi little girl, my name is Nele. What''s yours?"

 Chapter 19: Temptation (Trying Not to Smack a Bitch)

    AN: Potatoes have periods where they just fall asleep. Sometimes they do so in the middle of writing a fiction, sometimes in the middle of amputation. Hey! You can''t prove anything! He cut both his arms off himself! Geez...how was I supposed to remember I''d already cut one off before my nap...I should really use a machete, chainsaws are too messy...

    ---

    Twitch

    Don''t...punch...

    Twitch twitch

    Look away...he isn''t there...

    Twitch twitch twitch

    I can resist!

    "hey, are you alright little girl? Your arm is twi-"

    "FUCK IT!"

    Smack

    I upper-cutted him into the air, sending him flying in the general direction of our inn.

    Oh well, it''s not like he was anyone important...hopefully...

    Wait, where did I hear the name Nele...?

    ......................

    ...Oh...I remember now...

    "FUCK!"

    ---

    Trees'' POV

    There I was, minding my own business, being a tree, when someone fell from the sky. Luckily for them, my leaves and branches broke their fall so they only got some scrapes. After a couple seconds, the sky person started groaning and shifting around trying to get down. For the first time in a several minutes, the squire moved, looking up.

    When the squire saw who the sky person was, recognition slowly dawned on him, and he hurriedly helped the person down from my branches. The squire frantically wiped the dust off the sky person, and inquired whether the man/doll was alright.  I wondered whether it was a doll because even after falling from the sky, he still retained his perfect hair. How the hell...

    After a short discussion on where the sky person came from, I learned to avoid small girls. They are apparently very deadly. A large bruise was already showing up on the sky persons'' chin. How much force would you have to produce to send someone flying like that...well, I have plenty of time to think about it. After all,

    This tale has been unlawfully lifted without the author''s consent. Report any appearances on Amazon.

    I''m a tree.

    Fuck.

    ---

    After having possibly started a war, I did what anyone would do.

    Sitting in a modest restaurant, me and the jo''s ordered food. Plain was off shopping somewhere. He said he needed some cloth for "reasons."

    ...Is he secretly a drag queen...?

    ...

    I''m not gonna dwell more on that. Unless I have more resources in the future. It would be interesting to see him in woman''s clothing...

    Trying to pull my head away, I looked at the menu. Piranha, shark, sea monster, serpent, electric eel-why are all of the things on this menu deadly?

    As I was pondering, a waiter came over and we ordered our food. When I asked him, he explained. "Well, the thing is, everything else was killed by the deadly fish. Thus, the cheapest way to fish is to just hire some warriors to jab some spears into sea monsters. More seafood for less work. Sea monsters are pretty big, and with the right techniques nearly anyone can kill some. Except for the really big ones..."

    As I heard this, I started making some plans.

    Octopus skewers...hehehe...

    In the middle of our meal, Plain came back. I tried to ask him about the cloth, and I received some awkward excuse. Hmmm...could he be bi? I mean, I know girls have that kind of thing once a month, but to think...well, maybe that''s why he''s so unresponsive. I''ll just wait a couple days.

    Of course, as my luck would have it, a fireball fell on our table.

    If I have said this once, I have said it a thousand times.

    God, I give you my sincere opinion of your care of me.

    FUCK YOU

 Chapter 20: Old Men Are Bad-asses

    As the burning embers of our table blew into the wind, I arose from my chair in righteous fury. Then I remembered that god hates me, so I fell to my hands and knees and cried a lot.

    Goddammit...that sea monster fillet looked really tasty... and now I will never enjoy it...*sob sob*

    When I felt the heat of another fireball, I looked up.

    Well, looks like it''s the end for me. Honestly, I think it''s a blessing. No, god wouldn''t be so kind...he just wants to see me burn in hell...

    A grey-haired man who stood at six-seven stepped in front of me. Raising his left hand, he spoke one word.

    "Void"

    A screaming vacuum appeared, and the fireball vanished like it had never existed. Turning around, he went to one knee and offered his hand.

    "U-um, are you looking at me...?"

    He had the signs of age. Wrinkles on his forehead and gray hairs, but even then-

    Under his shirt, I could see the bulging muscles of a champion. Even though he was old, he evidently worked out. He smiled kindly, and said "Of course. What is your name?"

    "U-um-" Realizing that "Lich" isn''t really a normal name, I decided to go with the name that swirled around in my memories. "My name is <del>Jeff</del> Shess."

    Nodding, he turned around and intercepted several other fireballs. After a couple seconds, the rain of fire ceased, and the body-building geezer turned back to me. "You are in trouble. There is an army outside those walls, and unless you evacuate, everything I have done will have been in vain."

    He said this in a carrying voice, and all the other patrons of the restaurant quickly picked up their things and ran away. As they left, I simply took a seat at a table and started tapping my chin. When all the other people had gotten out, the old man turned to me and saw the three men sitting with me. He came over and politely asked if he could take a seat, to which I promptly gestured affirmatively. As he took a seat, I finally realized what I had wanted to do. Rummiging around the back counter of the restaurant, I found what I was looking for.

    Returning to the table, I took out the playing board and pebbles, and laid them out. "Would you care to play, old man? If you can spare the time."

    Curiously looking at me, he hesitantly picked up one stone and moved it two spaces to start the game.

    ...

    ...

    several moves later, he was closely concentrating on the game. Then, he stopped looking at the board. Locking our eyes, we looked deep into each others'' heads while we moved without looking. Strategy and counter strategy, traps and feints. Through it all, we moved as if our hands were tied together, moving in rhythm without pausing.

    Then my hand twitched, and the old man took my final stone.

    Stones was a game where the goal was to capture all of the opponents stones. One could do this in a plethora of ways, ranging from jumping to surrounding. The rules were overly complicated and often contradicting. Some stated that some moves were impossible, while others blatantly suggested that they were good. A scholar had once tried to write up all the rules and make sense of them. Due to the complicity of the rules, he was now feeble-minded and heard voices, telling him to do things. I heard he spends hours just staring at rocks, before switching to a different one.

    Enjoying this book? Seek out the original to ensure the author gets credit.

    However, the point was that nearly anything was possible. The only rule that governed it was: If you can get away with it, it counts. Because it was so complicated, and so well known, games often had betters. If a player could cheat, then the spectators would count it as a success, and from then on it was legal, and added to the rules. Really, it was a game for those with too much time on their hands.

    As I stood up and thanked the old man for the game, I had found myself a good picture of his character. You could often see what kind of a person someone was by playing a game of stones. Do they follow the rules strictly? Do they cheat honestly, or dishonestly? How do they respond when they are losing?

    How do they act when they have lost?

    As I looked into that mans'' eyes, I had made my decision.

    "Jo, go to the north gate. Do whatever you can. Jo, go to the south gate. Try not to screw up."

    The old man looked at me in confusion for a second, then asked me a question he knew the answer to. "What are you doing?"

    What he was really asking, was "What can you do?"

    I turned my head to Plain, and gave him his orders. "Plain, go to the east gate."

    When the three men had gone, I turned to the king and said "I have looked into your soul. Having found you worthy, I have decided to deliver you from your enemies."

    He looked shocked. "Real-"

    "Naw, I just felt like seeing more of the town. Bye ya old geezer!"

    Saying so, I walked off toward the west gate. It was where I felt the largest pack of mana, after all.

    ---

    Renards'' POV

    Watching the young girl saunter off, I looked back at the board of stones.

    In reality, I had lost the game. All the little girl had to do was take all of my stones at the same time.

    And for the first time in my memory, I saw something. Had she taken that move, she would have broken no rule. In reality, every move you made in stones was breaking one rule or another. But, there was one move that was not against the rules. That little girl manipulated me into the exact position, and then with the next move-

    Violated every rule ever made, in order to lose.

    I guess what my wife once said was true.

    If you study for a thousand years, you can understand a woman for one second. The next she is a completely new person, and you may as well throw away the knowledge you learned as it is useless.

    Still, I had enjoyed our game. Playing with an undead was interesting.

    Now I just had to pray for my city. I do not think I can survive this one.

    Sighing, I leaned against the table.

    "I''m too old for this shit..."

 Chapter 21: The Jos, North and South Gate

    Stroking my goatee while heading toward the north gate, I remembered how it had felt right after that night.

    With the slightest touch, I cut myself. That is how sharp the ice was. And even now, I can remember how it felt to look up into that little girls eyes.

    Nothing.

    All I saw was ice. Cold, unfeeling ice. Then a second later, it was gone.

    Sometimes, I even convinced myself that what I saw was an illusion. Plain hadn''t seen it, and Joses wouldn''t tell me if he saw it. I knew, however. Knew that it was all an act. Her blatant lies about trying to kill us had led Plain to believe she was a good person. I knew, however. To her, we are nothing. Not ants. Not experiments. We are just toys.

    But...

    How bad can it be, to be played with?

    And besides. Children often break their toys. However, when another kid shows up and brings his own...

    Well, all kids have the right to be a bit competitive, don''t they?

    Guess I''ll just have to show this other kid just how cool my kids'' toys are.

    ---

    Joses'' POV

    Walking down the road toward the south gate, I had to chuckle.

    My monster is just terrifying.

    After all, what else could she be? I had seen the way she looked at Joel and me. Like she didn''t care one way or another if we''d died. Of course, the fact that she acted as if she wanted us dead never ceased to send tremors of fear down my spine. But..

    When she told Plain to sell her, I just wanted to hug her. My poor monster...she thinks she''s worthless.

    And this goddamn army...they''re cutting in on my quality time with my monster.

    I''m going to send every last one of these motherfucking bastards to hell, but only after violating their every hole.

    Maybe I just want to stand on the cliff face. The thing is, I like feeling as if every breathe could be my last. My little monster is a master of deception.

    When I get back, I want to see the look she wears when she''s covered in blood. I wonder if she''ll lick it off...?

    No! Bad Joses! You aren''t a pedophile! You just have a fetish for little girls!

    ...

    Oh god...I think I know why you anally raped me when I was at my most vulnerable. I would have raped me too.

    ---

    Joels'' POV

    Having arrived at the north gate, I looked up at the two towers standing on either side of the massive arched gate. Thick oak on the outside with a sturdy portcullis blocked the arch, and more wooden supports were brought out by soldiers wearing blue uniforms.

    Each soldier was armed with partial plate, a feat not often accomplished. Most cities armed their soldiers with mail, and the wealthy ones sometimes gave their soldiers plate greaves and vambraces. But here were men in full-face helmets and a mail shirt under their uniform, and mail at their joints and plate on their legs and arms.

    They gave off the impression of professionals, and moved like ones. As I watched, a brilliantly armored knight in full plate astride a large armored warhorse effectively ordered the soldiers into place. Neat, clean ranks of pike men stood behind a barricade behind the gate, and behind them a slightly raised platform held soldiers armed with both halberds and crossbows.

    Just the cost to train and arm this force of five hundred or so soldiers was mind-boggling.

    About half of the five hundred were circled around the gate. The other half were up on the wall, and armed a bit differently. The archers had on full-face helmets and mail, but preferred to forgo plate as it would slow them down. Each carried a short sword in addition to his/her longbow. Bodkin and broad head arrows were placed in side-by-side quivers on the wall. And working in a pair with the archer was a swordsmen, many of which wore breastplates or multiple shirts of mail. Large kite shaped shields accompanied their long swords, and one out of ten wore a broadsword on their back.

    Honestly, I doubt anything short of a powerful magican could defeat even one of these soldiers. Over-equiped was what first came to mind. I doubt I would even be needed here.

    So I can just sit here and-

    "Here they come!" Came the shout from one of the archers atop the wall.

    Another piped up. "Wryvern Knights! Drop inbound!"

    Oh, fuck my life.

    ---

    Joses'' POV

    When I first came within sight of the south gate, the smell was what first hit me. The second was the sight.

    Various shades of brown and grey, reflecting off a thousand or so rough-looking men. They were laughing and hitting each other, totally disorganized.

    I had to smile. My little monster, she sent me to the most interesting place! Hah! Surely this means that she likes me more than Joel! Not that she can tell the difference...

    ...

    I think I''m going to be as depressed as her if I don''t motivate myself somehow. I know!

    *hehe, you did a good job big bro!*

    heh heh, so cute~

    NO! Please don''t rape me god! Not again...!

    It''s okay...I may have slight incestuous tendencies, but it''s not like they''re hurting anybody. Besides, it''s not like I would actually be attracted to my little sister if I had one, right?

    If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the violation.

    ...right?

    ...My poor anus...it''s going to be divinely smited by gods massive co-

    "Oi! You bunch of faggots jerking each other off!"

    I looked up to the top of the wall, and saw a slight woman standing at the lip of the gate. As I watched, the whole courtyard went silent. When she saw this, the woman waited for a couple minutes.

    ...

    ...

    *Creak creak*

    ...

    *Cre-*

    Then she spoke. "Hey! Why isn''t anyone saying something sexist like "Why the hell is a little girl here? Shouldn''t you be sewing something?"

    ...

    Utter silence.

    She started getting really frustrated. "Goddammit! I had this whole thing planned out! I was gonna take the first guy who spoke out and break his neck! But noooooo!"

    She was working herself into a frenzy.

    "You fucktards just haaaaad to have learned from the last seventeen "Accidental causalities that occured outside of combat" and tell the newcomers about them!"

    Everyone was silent, not speaking a word.

    "Fuck! Don''t you know how much I look forward to newbies? It means I can break someones neck and not be yelled at by ol'' Reneard! Why can''t I enjoy such simple pleasures?!"

    She sighed, and seemed to calm down.

    "Well, it looks like you bunch have gotten smarter. Fat load of good that''ll do when someone has a sword stuck up your ass. You can quote poetry to em'' while they''re gutting you!

    But that isn''t why we''re here. We are the bastard division! Full of the rejects from all the other ones! And today, that beautiful asshole Reneard has seen fit to send us out to the front line! So, can someone please tell me why Reneards an asshole?"

    One man raised his hand.

    "You! The ugly one!"

    Every last one of the thousand men looked up, as if confused as if she had called on them.

    "Fucking idio-the guy with his hand up! Just speak already!"

    The man hurriedly coughed, and spoke up in a high, cracking voice. "Well, the army outside belongs to the southern kingdom of Pranad. Because of the huge amount of monster activity in that area, the locals have domesticated the local monsters, and the fiercer ones are used as weapons of war."

    The woman looked at him without speaking for a minute.

    "Goddamn man, I didn''t ask for a fucking history lesson."

    Snickers from all around as the red-faced man looked down.

    "But! He is right. Those beast fuckers out their sold their bodies to the local monsters, so now they have a bunch of nasty monsters that want some new asshole. You! Men! You are the new asshole!"

    Umm...isn''t a general supposed to engourage their men...?

    She continued. "You are going to be killed by the metric fuckton! Cut into several pieces and have your guts spread for all to see! Those monsters out there are going to treat you like a cheap whore, and fuck you until your vaginas catch on fire!"

    Surprisingly, the men all cheered at this.

    Taking out her curved sword, she raised it in order to give us better imagery. "Trolls will rip your heads off! Giant snakes will poison you! If one of you make it out of this alive, I will take you and shove you down a dead monsters throat!"

    The cheering increased, and she raised her arms, quieting them down.

    This time, her volume was much less, yet it still carried to every man present.

    "To make a long, boring-ass speech short, we are all screwed. Out there lie beasts that we couldn''t hope to beat if we trained a hundred years. The only ones who are surviving this battle are the cowards. And frankly, I can''t blame them. Men! I ask you sincerely! If you feel your hearts are weak, run! Discard your arms and flee! This isn''t a battle for heroes! this isn''t a battle for brave men!

    This...this is a battle for morons.

    So, you fucking scholars who seem to have grown a brain over night, run! Get out of here! The enemy army will let you run, so long as they see you have no will to fight. So, I beg you. Run, and save yourselves."

    All fell silent.

    Then...

    "Hah! Guess that''s all I can expect of a little girl! Get back to your sewing, wench!"

    Like an arrow shot from a bow, the woman fell from the sky and drop-kicked the man who had raised his hand minutes ago.

    Then she raised her voice once again. "Fuck it! You retards haven''t learned a thing! We''re all going to die! CAN I GET A HELL YEAH?!"

    """HELL YEAH!"""

    And as one, the same men who had a few minutes ago been completely disorganized formed perfect ranks, dividing the archers who rushed up to the wall and the pikemen who formed a crescent around the gate.

    I couldn''t help it, I collapsed with laughter.

    "Hahahahaha! Looks like I found myself a big monster! Hah!"

    My cute little monster...she really wants to see how far I can go, huh?

    Certain death?

    Monstrous odds against me?

    An abusive superior?

    I felt like giving a "Hell yeah!" of my own!

 Chapter 22: Rolant, East Gate, Goddamn Flying Lizards!

    AN: Wanna know the best time to make life-changing decisions?

    3 A.M.

    ---

    Rolants'' POV

    Lies, lies, lies.

    Everywhere she goes, she lies. To herself. To us. To anyone around her.

    When, when will she finally tell the truth?

    I am having a hard time figuring her out. All my life, I was surrounded by morality and light. Now that I have seen more, I am beginning to doubt the fathers'' words.

    All man is equal? Everyone should be given a chance? If you do good, good will come to you?

    Bullshit.

    I got down in the mud, and I wallowed in my own naievete. I dragged my brothers down, and doomed them t a life of crime because of my stupid morals.

    There are some people in this world or shouldn''t be given forgiveness. Some people are just dirt. I can think of one time where my morals brought good fortune. And that is when I first met her. Shess, the girl who''s skin is like ice. She offered to sell herself. She talks of death as if he is a close relative. She knows more of the world than I, a man twice her age. Her eyes...if I look closely, they are dead. Lifeless. Hopeless. Uncaring. Drive less. As if dying or killing wouldn''t matter either way.

    When I think of what must have been done to make her like that...

    I feel my teeth grind together.

    Some people, like dirt, just need to be stepped on. I hope they make a crunching sound.

    I grinned.

    ---

    When I arrived at the east gate I had to frown.

    Men and women in sloppy brown clothing and lazing about, playing cards and dice. There seemed to be no order, and no leader. Weapons were lain strewn about haphazerdly, with no care as to where they lay.

    These...these are the people I am fighting with?

    Don''t give me that shit.

    Walking up to the nearest man, I easily heft him by the collar. He at first reacts with anger, but when he sees the bulging muscles and my anger, he dos a quick 180.

    "U-um, please don''t hurt me?"

    "Tell me one thing."

    "W-what do you want to know?"

    "How many enemies are we dealing with?"

    He hurriedly begins explaining, babbling and seeming to forget to breathe. "W-well, from initial estimates, there seem to be some five-six thousand men and beasts in the Pranad army, Roughly three-fourths of them are gathered around the west gate, while the remaining forces have deployed toward the north and south gates."

    I couldn''t move.

    "So, you''re saying that few, if any, enemies will come here?"

    He nodded vigorously. So this is why they seem to be so bad. Obviously, they were here only in case one or two people tried to sneak in here. Their only purpose was to serve against an unlikely eventuality. So, their relaxed manner seemed to be justified.

    This story is posted elsewhere by the author. Help them out by reading the authentic version.

    But, justified or not, it still pissed me off.

    Letting the man drop to the ground, I yelled in a carrying voice "Oi! Who''s in charge here?"

    A timid man in his fifties came forward, a red badge with some sort of bird on it on his shirt. "Um, that would be me. I''m Ferrus, the watch captain."

    Taking a step forward, I speak intensely.

    "Do you know what is outside those walls?"

    He nodded.

    "And do you, by any chance, know who is going to fight against it?"

    "I believe the Griffin Knights are at the west gate, accompanied by the temple acolytes."

    I nodded. "That''s good. Then, I guess it will be alright. Perhaps she will be okay...

    Looking across the whole city, I thought perhaps I could see smoke.

    What a strange smoke...it seems to move on its'' own...

    ---

    Joels'' POV

    Fuck my life.

    Seriously, take my life''s tight, virgin pussy, and fuck it.

    Goddamn dragons. God. Damn. Dragons.

    Sure, these guys can call em "wyrverns" or some shit, but I ain''t ever heard another way of calling flying lizards. Fuckin'' dragons.

    They would swoop down out of nowhere and pluck up one of the archers-who should weigh a ton with all that armor on- and fly away, then drop them. And we got to listen to every. Fucking. Scream.

    The archers shot arrows into the air, for all the good it did. I myself had tried slinging a stone at birds, and never accomplished even a near-hit. To actually pierce one of these heavily-armored flying death machines while they were going about fifty miles an hour, would take more skill than simple mortals could have.

    Never the less, I guess doing something helped distract them from the goddamn flying lizards.

    And then, things got even better!

    The dragons would land for a second, and fully-plated knights would step off and take out their battleaxes and great swords, then go to work cutting up the so-called "over equipped" soldiers. The knight had started issuing orders, cutting through the screams and cries, bringing order. With his command, the individual knights were toppled and brutally killed. However, a new problem asserted itself.

    A regular booming came from the gate, like the sound of large knocks. So, let''s take a recap, shall we?

    (1)Knights coming from the sky.

    (2)A bunch of nasty people waiting on the other side of the gate.

    (3)God. Damn. Flying lizards.

    You know what?

    Fuck my life''s asshole too!

    ---

    AN: I know this chap ain''t quite what you guys are looking for, but believe me.

    Next chaps gonna be "Gorytastic."

    by that I mean a bunch O fools gonna die. Gruesomely.

    Teehee!

 Chapter 23: What You Have All Been Waiting For(Psyche!)

    AN: I can''t wait anymore! I have to write this chapter NOW! To hell with build-up and dramatic foreshadowing, bring on the gore! MWHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!(Just kidding, this is boring exposition before the actual battle. Did anyone say cliffhanger...?)

    <hr />

    Trees'' POV

    Fucking. Fireballs.

    Why?! I did nothing wrong! What did I do to deserve this?

    For gods sake, I''m a tree!

    But...I felt something. A chill in the air. A feeling as if death himself is breathing down my neck. I cannot shake the feeling that something terrible is going to happen, and that what comes after will be a simple prelude to even worse events.

    This is too complicated for a simple tree...

    Hah, I know! I can find the person who is going to do these terrible things, and stop th-

    I''m a tree.

    ...

    FUCK!

    <hr />

    Lichs'' POV

    So, this is the west gate.

    Unimpressive, if you ask me.

    As I was walking over this way, I gradually grew more and more pissed off, and I can''t figure out why. All I know is one thing.

    I am going to let out all of this frustration out on these bastards who interrupt my first time in a city.

    Just before the gates was a neat formation of two-hundred knights in full-plate astride eagle-headed horses, who also happened to have lion claws. Seriously, who makes these things?

    Behind them were thirty or so young-looking people in funny white robes. They all looked nervous and anxious, and were fidgeting like children. As I neared them, a knight with an especially flamboyant plume came over and dismounted.

    "Are you lost, little girl? I cannot help you find your parents right now, but I can give you direction-"

    "Fuck off."

    Striding forward, I pass all the knights with barely a glance. Most, if not all, could probably kill me. But, right now I am too damn mad to care. Once I had passed the knights who tried to stop me, I climbed the steps up to the top of the gate, and stood in the middle, balancing between two battlements.

    The wind is so strong up here...

    A loud thump came from behind me, but I did not care enough to turn around. "What do you wish to say?"

    The sound of clanking metal boots announce the person had gotten off his/her mount. Sparing a glance, I saw that it was a forty-something man with white hair. He simply stood beside me on the battlements, and I think he understood too.

    The fact that all of those knights are going to die. And those young men and women too. Nothing can stop their deaths, they are as inevitable as time.  Somehow, I couldn''t bring myself to care.

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    It''s such a difficult thing...to care.

    After a few minutes, the movement of the man beside me distracted me. I looked at him, and for the first time he spoke.

    "You know, you look a lot like one of my daughters. Ah...I feel regretful that I only preached to them when they were with me. I drilled one phrase into them, "For another, regret can be tolerated. For myself, however, I will never purposefully do something I will regret." isn''t that funny? It seems I am a hypocrite as well."

    I said nothing.

    He nodded sadly, then turned to get back on his griffon, when I spoke.

    "You know, I get the feeling Bel and Rena passed away with little pain, pure to the end. Though I cannot say for Bel, Rena was one of the best people I have ever met. Because she was your daughter. Don''t beat yourself up so much for doing the best  you could."

    As he turned away, he was crying.

    ...

    I wonder why that old man was crying...? And I get the feeling I should remember something. I think it was a name...

    Reny? Reena? I can''t remember for the life of me.

    Oh well, it''s not like it''s that important.

    Huh, I seem to be getting impatient. I really want to kill something right now.

    I watched as the thirty or so white robed people got on the back of some of the griffons, and flew out. It seems they won''t be waiting at the gate where their griffons wings are useless, and are instead going out to fight int he field.

    Some time passed.

    The sun was at the horizon, and had started setting. That was when I heard the horns. I looked over the wall, and saw two hundred fifty poles.

    Hanging from those poles were bodies.

    As I looked over them, a certain pole sprang out at me. On it was the old man, except instead of his armor he had been stripped, and been dressed in a prostitutes cloths.

    I knew that this meant nothing to me. All those people...they don''t matter. Death is just the end of pain.

    But...there is one thing these people don''t seem to realize.

    Death only breeds more death.

    I lifted my hand...

    "Rise"

    <hr />

    Sorry this chapter is so short, I''ve just been swamped. It is currently tomorrow, so I think I''m going to sleep now. Tomorrow is going to be miserable...

    Well, at least I have cupcakes. Cupcakes make everything better. :D

 Chapter 24: A Party of Corpses

    Pranad soldiers'' POV

    Honestly, hoisting these corpses disgusted me. To do something so horrible to such honorable men who had met us on the battlefield of their own accord...it made me feel dirty. But the moral hit the enemy will take from seeing their most powerful fighting force, besides their royal guard, hoisted up on poles will send them cowering.

    Then...

    "Grah, grr." Said the dead knight on top of my pole.

    Is this a trick of the wind?

    I feel a shaking from the pole, and see the corpse begin to flail. Letting out a scream, I let go of the pole and let it fall to the ground. All around me, I hear similar cries from the other two-hundred and thirty-six pole carriers, and soon none of the poles remain in the air.

    Pulling out my sword, I look in fear toward the previously dead knight. But even as I look, he pulls the pole out of his torso and starts walking back to the gate. At first, I want to go after him, but seeing how those men had killed hundreds of our warriors, I decided to let them go. What can I do, after all?

    ---

    Third battalion second infantry commanders'' POV

    "They WHAT?!"

    The stammering soldier in front of me repeated what he said. "T-they got up, and walked back into the city."

    When I heard this, the first thought was undead. But undead attack any living being close to them, and for any type of undead to ignore people they would need some kind of intelligience. Since our mages had not detected any powerful items that allow mass creation of undead, then we can cross out that possibility.

    The second thought was resurrection. No one had perfected the technique, but perhaps these people have some kind of half-product, that lets bodies move according to someones'' will. But, resurrection would take an even greater item than the undead.

    So, the only explanation was that they had been made into puppets. Such a thing would be possible, and they would be able to make the puppets "walk" back into the city. But why would they do that? A reputation of immortality is one thing, but taking it this far is really too much.

    Since I cannot find out from this, I will need to send someone to investigate. Or a lot of expendable someones.

    Having decided on a course of action, I moved forward and out of my command tent. Addressing the company at large, I asked with a joyous voice.

    "Who would like the honor of being the first to breach the city?"

    What young fools. Don''t they know the most basic fact of war?

    Only the cowards live long enough to be promoted. That''s why we stay in the back.

    ---

    First Lieutenants'' POV

    What an honor! To be the first to breach the city...truly, I have been blessed.

    Riding into the courtyard on my war bear,  I saw something strange.

    A strange black smoke was drifting from all around, and in the middle of the courtyard was a large red splatter. It looked as out of place as a drop of red wine on a white cloth.

    Every other second, a wet, crunching noise could be heard. It was repetitive and the same amount of time passed between each sound. The five hundred strong infantry division behind me was getting fidgety. Some of them muttered about the strange smoke, while others started speaking of superstitions. Such cowards! It seems as if sailors and soldiers are alike in their superstitions.

    "Cease such foolish talk, men! We are here to take the infidels city, and nothing short of hell freezing over will stop me!"

    A child''s laugh</a> echoed through the smoke.

    The soldiers whispered "What kind of demon is this? to copy an innocent child''s laugh, they must be a devil."

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    Even though I will deny it, I am also afraid.  That laugh, accompanied by the wet, squelching crunch has got me on edge. As we move further, a figure appears out of the smoke...

    A small girl, hunched over and trembling. I walk near and try to comfort her, even though she is an infidel. "Shh, shh, it''s okay. Why are you afraid? What''s your name?"

    The little looked up at me, a wide smile painted on her face. Or rather, the blood was painted over her face.

    She was holding a sword, and it was currently stuck in a white-haired old man. Well, what I thought was once a man.

    Too little remained to be sure.

    "hehehehe...my name? HAH! I remember my name! Hahahaha!"

    She shook and convulsed, hugging the sword to her chest while trembling with amusement. I slowly raised my lance.

    "hehe, hi there! Me and dad were playing a game, hehe..."

    She let go of the sword, and slowly stood up. "hehe, I used to be so confused...I couldn''t remember anything, but now that I do...I wish that I was still confused."

    I motioned my soldiers to close in, as this was obviously a devil. It is probably fast, so we want to surround it while it''s giving us time.

    "hehe, but make sure you don''t tell the new mommy. She doesn''t like it when me and daddy go and play alone...though, usually it''s dad with the stick. Hah!"

    I''m shaking now. This is too much for me. A man can only take so much, you know? I think I can do without the honor-

    "Hey, where are you going, hehe? I still want to play, but I only have so many friends...

    ...wanna join?"

    I break eye contact and look at my soldiers to signal a retreat, when I notice something behind them.

    While we were surrounding the girl, something else was creeping up behind us.

    And now there is no escape.

    ---

    Lichs'' POV

    Such fond memories we share, me and my family.

    It''s a wonder I didn''t turn into a psychopath and go on a killing rampage-

    Oh wait, I did!

    Hehe!

    Using my fingernails, I tear open the leaders stomach. Breaking the ribs off when they got in the way, I continued to dig deeper. On all sides, the recently deceased were enjoying their own fun.

    Ah...I wonder how I could go without this. I mean, towards the end there, I could barely go a day without tearing something open!

    Of course, that''s why I decided to leave.

    ...nothing alive left to kill...

    Hehe, but that is the past. Now is the present! And oh, what lovely gifts this army has given me.

    But, this is not enough.

    Rising to my feet, holding the torn and shredded remains of the leaders heart, I have a little taste. Mmm...

    Always start with the heart. That''s where all the juices are. :3

    Throwing aside the drained organ, I command the dead once more to make a change.

    "Rise, and Shed Your Flesh."

    As one, the five hundred rise from the ground, their skin falling off their bones. Then their muscles fall off. Then the fat. All that''s left now, is the bones. My mana tank is running on empty, but that''s okay. The atmosphere of death, visible to the eye as black smoke, will increase my mana. Of course, there is another, faster way, but I don''t think I''ll remember. Even now, it''s getting fuzzy...

    Of course, pretty soon here I''ll forget. I''m looking forward to it.

    I have realized, after finding the answer to my missing memory.

    I cannot handle the truth.

 Chapter 25: Taking on Several Hundred Men at a Time

    AN[WE INTERRUPT THIS FICTION FOR A PRE-CHAPTER RANT]: You know, most authors would say sorry and write an extra long chapter for their readers after a break. But I''m not a good author.

    I''m just a potato of darkness. I feast on the shadow and bath in the blood of innocents. Well, not so much the first one. I prefer cupcakes, actually. Mmm...but I digress. After a couple months of writing, I have begun to see my flaws. Of course, the first one being I''m a bloodthirsty psychopath who needs to consciously tone it down or else risk being incarcerated in a mental facility. I mean, I try really hard to describe what is in my mind, without overloading you guys. Because honestly, I am a nut. Little can change that fact, except kitties, so I try to embrace it. But, back to the topic. My biggest flaw, at least in my mind, (I''m sure you guys can find many more if you look) is that I am not good at staying on topic. This is why I don''t use tables, or include exact levels or powers, as I know I will forget them, and probably confuse everyone. So, I have tried to write a good fiction without the use of these means.

    And frankly, I can''t. So, I will actually have to put effort into writing. Hah...I have made it this far with the following means.

    1. Watching something stupid and getting inspiration.

    2. Getting on the computer and typing it up.

    3. Upload it, no proofreading, no further thought.

    ...

    So, now that you know how bad of a writer I am, I will now try to convince you otherwise. You see? It is in my nature to be contradictory. One minute I tell you I''m bad, the next I ask you to praise me. You know, I think there''s a word for that...oh right!

    MAPOTI!

    If you get the reference, I love you. So make sure you lock your windows and doors, k? :D

    <hr />

    Is it normal for little girls to wake up in strange places, surrounded by rotting corpses?

    Well, it probably is. Though if I ever told a girl that, I would end up as one of those corpses. Oh wait, I''m already a corpse...

    Well, there goes any hope I had of being normal. Of course, I think I lost that hope when I was born. I would curse god, but I think this is genuinely my fault, for being born as a poor sob with no self-confidence. Well, I can always do what my mother said!

    "If you''re feeling down, just fuck off you little shit!"

    Hmm...somehow, I think this is more an order than it is advice...but I could be wrong! Optimism! Like my father always said!

    "Keep quiet, unless you want it three times a week instead of two!"

    Hmm...I''m sure he was telling me to be patient, and not get ahead of myself! But my brothers always included me!

    "Hah! His expression''s priceless! Wait till'' I kick him in the face-it looks even better covered in blood!"

    Haha! George was always such a nice guy. He always made sure to include me when him and his friends wanted to have some fun. I may not have enjoyed the activity...but that''s alright! I mean, not every sibling can have mercy on you, right? Sometimes they just have to treat you bad so you appreciate them. It''s not like I had anyone else, anyway.

    Hmmm...I feel as if I am contradicting myself. But where? Everything I have said is true. Well, I did say I wanted to kill Plain, but then I wanted him to be safe...meh, must be my imagination. People can change their minds.

    Anyway, the dead people. Around six hundred of them. For the most part they were skeletons, who had picked weapons off the ground and were wandering around. Except for two, a pair of a zombie and a skeleton who were...let''s just say that love is eternal. Even in death, these two still had some left in them.

    *snicker* That skeleton sure is ''bony'' *snicker*

    Leaving the two lovebirds to their activity, I decided to command all of the dead to dance. Why?

    Cause fuck me that''s why.

    ...

    I kinda feel redundant.

    I gave the order via mind signals, to which nothing happened. To this, I decided maybe screaming might work.

    "Hey! Dance!"

    ...

    *Tap tap tap*

    Around me three skeletons were making creaking noises as their bones moved. I tried yelling again in case they hadn''t all heard me, to which nothing happened.

    I wonder why only three of them listened to me?

    I felt a couple skeletons brush past me, and even though they didn''t attack me I still felt hostility. Looking inside,my mind, I felt four forces trying their best to kill me.

    I jerked back, yet the three skeletons kept dancing. "I wonder why I can only control four?"

    Thin nose was still buried outside the city, so he wouldn''t be any use. Then-

    I felt him disappear from my mind. I tried doing the same with one of the skeletons, and he fell over. I immediately told him to stand up, and he did so, and his hostility came back.

    So...I can "Turn off" undead, and then reactivate them? Does it take mana? I tested it out, and found that it took no power whatsoever. This could definitely come in handy...but in this situation, it was ultimately useless.

    How do I gain control of more undead? What is limiting me to only four? Plus, I got the feeling that something was missing, like I had to restart.

    Meanwhile, my mana was gone. Next to none was left, yet it was coming back pretty fast. It felt slightly...different. I felt like a vacuum, sucking something in. Uh, that felt oddly sexual. Looking around, I perceived a swirling vortex, and at it''s center...me.

    When I looked closely, I saw that the undead themselves were giving off the smoke. I walked up to one and...ate him.

    Well, I didn''t put him in my mouth (Why does everything I say turn out perverted?) but his bones disappeared. And within, I had regained some mana.

    So, I can absorb undead to get mana. Neat. Walking to the gate followed by my four still dancing undead, (I grabbed two more) I looked over the field in front of the city. And approaching, was a teeny, tiny, little army of forty-thousand. What the hell?! That bastard guy told me there were only ten-thousand! Then again, he could have been trying to keep people calm...damn him and his pragmatism!

    Well, might as well make my own gravestone. I mean, come on! Out there was about thirty-six thousand men, and like two-thousand monsters. And I''m not talking about slimes, I''m talking about giant snakes and mini dragons and multi-headed other things and really big tigers and even some cow-men. Except instead of being fat and lazy, they were four-meter tall bulls with ripped arms and giant axes and hammers. So many monsters, and all of them wanted to kill me.

    Have I mentioned how much I miss crying?

    So, returning to the original problem. How in the world do I make my huge undead army, an army, and not just a bunch of dead people bumping into each other like idiots. I mean, come on! Two zombies were just running into each other, without any effort to move out of the way or make their way around. Well, their brains are rotted, so...

    Horns

    Well, here come all the giant cow-men hungry for Lich flesh. Well, actually it''s someone else''s flesh, I"m just borrowing it...

    In through the gate came a large amount of noise. In came a couple hundred soldiers. These men were clothed in light-orange and steel, which looked out of place in the green country. Still, I guess they were...different.

    As the several hundred men ran through the gate and into the courtyard, they all paused and tried to turn around. When the undead saw them, unearthly screams  and howls were followed by a frantic rush. The men, obviously unused to undead, tried to backtrack. The undead crashed into the broken line of men and started hacking with their stolen weapons, in the case of the skeletons, and teeth, in the case of the zombies.

    Despite the fact that the undead were probably a fifth as strong as one of the soldiers, the men were so afraid that they could barely fight back. However, their leaders put some backbone into them, and the line of lightly armored soldiers began to fight back. This immediately resulted in several zombies dropping, but they got back up. Cuts to their bodies or limbs didn''t seem to slow them down much, and the skeletons bones'' seemed to be stronger than normal, which resulted in them being able to take more hits.

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    The battle soon turned into a sort of whack-the-enemy-until-they-don''t-get-back-up and pretty soon two hundred of my poor zambies were dead. I''ll just refer to them collectively as my zambies, because fuck grammar.

    So, I did the natural thing. I started raising them up, as fast as my mana regenerated I used it. This further freaked out the line of humans, as they now turned around to see their previously downed opponents getting back up. During this, I discovered some things. Firstly, there were some dead I could''t raise. If a zombie or skeleton had its'' head completely destroyed, I could not raise it back up.

    By sending in my four skeletons in at a crucial moment, (I saw a guy who was so injured he could barely move) and having them kill him, I was able to take control of another undead. The mans soul started to float away, but when I raised the mans'' corpse it zoomed back in, and then disappeared. Later when his head was destroyed his soul stayed disappeared.

    I also tried raising a man, and then absorbing him. Turned out that I gained slightly less mana than I used to make him, and his soul stayed gone. So, I lost something when I absorbed them. But, when I absorbed a skeleton I gained more mana than I did for a zombie, about 2.5 times as much. So, maybe if I left a zombie alone for a while, maybe I could make a profit in mana?

    Yet, despite everything I did, we stayed at a stalemate. I used up my mana raising the dead as fast as they could kill them, and the undead killed few men every minute. I was just amazed that I could hold off the seven hundred or so men in the courtyard.  Still, I was fighting a losing battle.

    Even though my mana could probably regen fast enough to keep the men busy until they were all dead, using mana had another cost. I was getting tired. And the more tired I got, the harder it was to stop the five undead under my control from rushing forward and attacking the men.

    During all of this, I went unnoticed. After an hour of fighting, even though the numbers had barely changed, the undead had been pushed back several yards. Now the commanders were sitting in the shadow of the gate behind their soldiers, and I stood with five skeletons.

    I had the skeletons sneak up on the commander and his lieutenant, and when they were ready, I had them cut off the commanders mounts'' legs. This sent the two tumbling, and the skeletons quickly finished them off.  Instead of turning them into undead immediately, I ate their souls. Just stuffing the warm orbs down my throat as fast as I could. then I tried raising them, and found that they became zombies that just stood there. Only when I told them to move did they do anything.

    I had found that undead made using a soul could move on their own, and be controlled, and if you made them without a soul then they would have no will whatsoever. For right now, leaving the souls in their bodies would be better, as I can only control six undead right now.

    For another hour I kept raising undead, and the soldiers tried their best to keep going without their leaders. Then, I was able to control seven undead. I was confused, as I thought I only got extra undead from killing people with them. Turns out that just controlling the undead made it easier for me to use them, and made me able to use more of them. Maybe that was why I could control four at the beginning, because I had been controlling Thin Nose for a while.

    After three hours of fighting, the humans started breaking. One at first, then two, then five, eight, nineteen, and then a flood of men running away. I collapsed on the steps of the gate, and lay down recovering from my exhaustion. Two hours later, they came again.

    I got up, feeling refreshed an full of mana. A couple hours later, I once again collapsed as the men retreated. I gasped an struggled for air. At this point, I was sure. I couldn''t make skeletons. No matter how much I willed the zombies I created to shed their skin, they didn''t. So, I worked knowing that I had a limited number of skeletons. I now had around three hundred zombies and four hundred skeletons, but that number fluctuated quite a bit.

    At this point the army sent forward a couple hundred archers. I was worried for a bit, but when the archers shot the zombies, they did nothing. Considering that the zombies got up after getting cut nearly in half, an arrow to the body didn''t do much. However, I got worried when they started dropping from shots to the eyes. The skeletons were completely unaffected, so I got an idea. I had my eighteen skeletons go and pick up shields and stand in front of the zombies. Then, slowly, some of the other skeletons did the same.

    Due to this, I was able to gain more information. Undead with souls can learn, and do things on their own. I haven''t experimented with soulless undead yet, but I am sure there will be time.

    Next, I tried releasing the eighteen skeletons from my control. They looked slightly confused, but kept doing what they were doing. Next, I tried taking control of zombies. I was shocked at the result.

    I could control forty-three, and my mind sighed in relief, as they were much easier to control. Next, I had those zombies pick up shields and cover their heads before standing with the skeletons and using the shields to protect their heads, and using their bodies as meat shields. After the archers ran out of arrows, they looked at a loss of what to do. Their commander, being the young idiot he was, ordered them to draw swords and run at the undead, claiming they were weakened from the arrows.

    The archers, who were protected with thick cloth, soon died in large numbers. I decided to let the commander live, as stupidity such as his is something not often found, and should be treasured.

    At this point, after raising the two hundred zombies, I took control of twenty-two skeletons, and had them pick up the bows. I had them fire a few test shots, and once I decided they might be able to hit the side of a barn, I had them climb up the wall and hide with me.

    Luck has been good to me. First, I got five hundred skeletons from who-knows-where, and I also got two attacks that had little pre-planning. From now on, things would get worse.

    And I was stuck in a little girls body.

    FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUu

    <hr />

    Trees'' POV

    So, here I am, in the middle of a war. Most people would think, "Hey! After this, you''ll have lots of stories to tell!"

    To them, I raise my middle branch. (because I don''t have fingers. Because I''m a tree.)

    I''m a goddamn tree. How many times have I cursed my luck, and wished for something else?

    And now, some kind of dark mist is floating around me. It''s coming from the west, which is what side of the city I''m on, and I get the feeling it''s reacting to my emotions. The squire has long since gone with the sky person, and I miss him. I wish he would sit in my branches and eat my apples. I wish he would lay on my roots and keep me company.

    I am tired of being a bystander. mist draws closer

    I am tired of saying nothing. A swirling vortex wraps around the trunk

    I am tired, of being a fucking. Useless. Tree. The mist sinks into the bark

    But, that will not change anything. Because...

    *Inhale*

    "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

    <hr />

    Darkness draws closer, and soon no one will be safe. The rise of Wooden, the almighty god of the earth, is at hand!!!

    (I <3 you zeny)

    <hr />

    AN [AND NOW, AN END RANT]: Us authors are like leeches. We feed off of our readers life-force through their comments, and use this to write more, and ensnare even more victims. So, the gist is, comment more. Do it.</a>

    FEED ME

 Chapter 26: Listen Closely

    Well, I will now be royally fucked. Fucked so hard I wonder if my skull will remain in one piece.

    At the head of six hundred heavily armored soldiers, was a single man dressed in a red robe. I mean, on his own I would be confident. It was the six hundred men behind him that really scared me.  They were all mounted, and if they got into this courtyard...

    Well, let''s just say that I don''t particularly crave horse cock shoved up my ass, okay? That brings up some interesting memories of me and my sisters...oh god, the horror...no! Don''t bring god into this! It will only make things worse!

    So, to avoid bestiality, I first turned off the twenty three skeletons on the wall, then took control of fifty-two zombies and had them pick up spears and other pikes, and place them in the ground in a half circle around the gate. Then I had those same zombies pick up spears and brace themselves.

    Of course, when a fireball obliterated half of them, I got kinda pissed off. I ordered the remaining zombies to repair the hole and had twenty more join them. Then, I jumped off the gate.

    Sure, it sounds stupid. I mean, I''m putting myself right in the middle of my enemies without any defense, and I can barely control what little magic I have, plus I just left a large amount of the undead in a city with a lot of squishy people, and maybe I had just decided to face off against an obviously superior mage, but-

    ...

    Wait, this was a horrible decision! Why the fuck did I do this? I''ve made a horrible mistake!

    The horsemen surrounded me, and I felt my backside begin quivering at the thought. The red mage dismounted, and walked forward at a liesurly pace. He had the perfect entrance, making him seem like some stereotypical villain right out of a storybook. Even his beaky nose reminded me of some of the villains.

    "Mwhahahaha! You have made a foolish decision, brave hero, but today...darkness will cover the earth!"

    "..."

    "Well? Aren''t you going to stop me?"

    "...if anything, I am the bad person here. I literally turn the corpses of dead people into my tools of destruction, what makes you think you''re the villain?"

    "...My fabulous hat?"

    I took a good look. "Have to admit, that''s a pretty nice piece. I''ll have to thank your tailor after I loot your dead corpse."

    He looked shocked. "You...you really are evil material! I will have to learn from you, before I burn you to a crisp!"

    "...Really? Fire jokes? I mean, your robe kinda gives it away. Really, you need to put more imagination and creativity into your character."

    He snorted, then ordered the soldiers to attack the gate. They charged forward, only to be impaled, then I re-activated teh skeletons on top of the gate, and had them shower the horsemen with arrows from behind. Quite effective, if I do say so myself.

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    Me and the red guy activated our auras, and prepared to do magical battle, but before that-

    "Little girl, you can say nothing about being a villain! I, the great wizard of fire, Abbicus the Flamboyant, am the epitome of destructive evil!"

    "It''s not a contest, you retard. All I''m saying is that I will crush your bones to dust and polish my shoes with them."

    "That! Right there! How can you be so off-handedly cruel? I have to work really hard to maintain my image, you know!"

    I shook my head. "I already told you, insignificant insect, that you are no contest."

    He stood, looking like a fish out of water, before his eyes started watering. "You...you are just what I need. For years, I have been stuck as a mediocre villain, laughed at by heroes and ignored by the local authorities because I "Respect the laws and people of the realm" or some shit."

    "I didn''t ask for your lifes'' story dipshit-"

    "I would ask myself, "How am I lacking? What can I do to be more evil?" And you have provided a way!"

    "Listen, I don''t give a fuck about what your talking abo-"

    "Now! I must thank you properly, by reducing your miserable shell to ash!"

    Did he really say that?

    Teeth show

    Did that fucker, really say what I think he said?

    ''-Demonic grin of evil devilry which causes grown men to piss themselves- Activate.''

    Unknown ability. What do you me-

    ''Take a goddamn joke, would ya?''

    I raise my hand, and use my certain-kill move.

    "Fell Wind"

    To which he replies with-

    "Visage of the Deserts'' Disciple"

    A swirling tornado of sand and flame eradicate my spell.

    "Hah! You think such elementary spells will scratch my aura? Get yourself ready for the eviling of a lifeteime!"

    "..."

    "Oh? Speechless with fear?"

    "*Mumble mumble*"

    He has a taunting face and tone to match. "Is that a plea for mercy?"

    I looked up, and spoke with my full volume.

    "What I said was,

    YOUR MOTHER WAS SPEECHLESS WITH MY DICK IN HER MOUTH LAST NIGHT!"

    "...aren''t you a girl...?"

    "Funny. That''s what your dad said when I screwed him, too."

 Chapter 27: The Flamboyant and Villainous Abbicus

    Reis'' POV

    Walking within the merchants ring, I reminisced of the past.

    My general, a small person, yet one who brought our country to its'' knees.

    Can I, a mere human, claim friendship with such a being?

    The answer was told to me directly from the mouth of my general. My general put his hand on my shoulder, and drank from the same cup as me. He looked into my eyes, and told me that I was his.

    Now, it has been months since I left. I have followed my generals orders to the letter, gathering information of the nearby lands and making contacts.

    Now, I will follow another of my generals'' orders. He told me to defend whatever land I resided in, assuming I respected the ruler and people.

    This city has fulfilled those requirements, and now I have another chance to shed blood. My general told me to avoid killing, but I think that he will forgive me this once.

    The merchants ring, just like the peasants ring, had four gates at each entrance. However, the bastard ring had only one entrance. Right now, the gate was closed and the guards were relaxing, resting in case any enemies made it this far into the city.

    Little did they know, that soon they would be in a very mortal kind of danger.

    I, as a man experienced in war, knew that there was one sure fire way to end a battle, or in this case, a siege.

    Just kill the king.

    I couldn''t let others see me fight for...reasons, Only my general knew the full extent of my power. He had told me to keep it secret, so I would do so.

    Setting down the bag I had carried from my shop, I took out the contents.

    A set of armor, and a red cloak.

    I began to don my armor, and when the pure red lacquered  armor once again rested on my body, I let out a sigh of relief. It has been too long. Far, far too long, since I was bathed in the blood of my foes.

    I held up the red cloak, and lowered my head.

    The symbol of a fanatic, this red cloak. How proud I am to have it, and to wear it.

    Slinging the cloak around my shoulders, I take out a sword and cut the gates in half. Walking through the gate, I see that the assassins have already killed all the guards. Even as I come in, several black-clothed individuals are crouched over dead bodies.

    They swear and try to escape, but-

    "Ki Blade"

    The assassins, who have become half the warriors they used to be, fell to the ground. As I turned and prepared for the second wave, a green haired man appears at the broken gate.

    "Oh, hi there! I don''t think we''ve met..." He trails off, seeing the dead men all around, and me dressed in my red armor and holding a sword.

    He turns around. "I''m just gonna go..."

    "Stop. I am here in defense of this city, and I believe you are too?"

    He turned around, looking surprised, and nervously walked over. "Um, scary man, yes. A secret quest I just got-I mean, a gut feeling told me to come here."

    I nodded. "So, you are a world traveler. It''s good to meet you."

    "Wah!? How did you know?"

    "...I see, some world travelers are idiots...good to know."

    "No! I mean, how do you know about other worlds?"

    I held a hand to my chin. "Well, my general traveled with one for a while, and during that time I got to know her quite well. She talked of another world, and quests, and expee, and levels, and many other things that made absolutely no sense to me."

    "Oh...I see. So I wasn''t the only one! That''s good..."

    I looked over at the green haired fellow. Behind him appeared an elf mage, who remained silent. "Say, can you tell me my level? The other world traveler told me just before she left, but I like to think I may have increased by one or two levels."

    He looked flustered, and stumbled over his own words. "S-sure! Just let me..." he went slack-jawed.

    :

    "Hm? What''s the problem?"

    He pointed toward a location slightly above my head. "I can''t see anything! Just a bunch of question marks. How strong are you...?"

    I had to laugh out loud at this. "Haha! I guess you are a low-level, right? How low?"

    "7"

    I had to snicker. "Seriously? Hah! Well, it''s not like the other world traveler didn''t have this happen to them."

    "What do you mean?"

    "The world traveler couldn''t ever see my generals level, all she saw was question marks."

    "Oh. How high level was she?"

    "She was level five-hundred and sixty three."

    "WTF?!"

    I turned to face the assassins coming closer. "Oh, and in case you were wondering, I''m level six-hundred-seventy-four."

    He just about fell over, and I smiled. It was quite satisfying to show off. Now...

    "Oi! You bumbling oafs trying to hide! Come out and let me show you what a fanatic can do. Haha! I can barely wait!"

    Blood is never quite as tasty preserved as it is fresh.

    <hr />

    Lichs'' POV

    Why is it, that out of all the possible people in the entire world, I am the one who meets all these crazies.

    Never mind. I already know the answer.

    The real question is, how have I survived this long when god obviously wants my existence to cease?

    The self-proclaimed villain stood twenty feet away from me, surrounded by a whirlwind of sand and flame.

    He was young, perhaps nineteen years old. He had a narrow face, and a smug grin seemed permanently plastered on his mouth. He wore a red robe and hat in the shape of a cone with a rim.

    I would say he looked stupid, but I can''t really speak. After all, I am currently wearing a ripped dress. I really need a new outfit...

    "Now, little girl, how about we see which one of us is the evilest?"

    "Is that even a word?" I reply, while raising my hands.

    He pulls his hat over his eyes with one hand while loosely putting the other one up.

    "Then, let us begin. Sandstorm."

    Dust erupts from the ground and covers the fields for hundreds of meters in all directions, blocking my vision.  Abbicus'' voice seemed to echo from all directions. "Quite the disadvantage, wouldn''t you say? Most wizards are next to useless if they are blinded, and as the saying goes "A witch without her eyes is just a girl.""

    Fireballs appeared from five directions and assaulted my Aura, sending cracks across its'' entirety. Once again, Abbicus'' voice seems to come from everywhere. "However, for those wizards that have mastered the so-called "Blind Casting" using our spells without the use of our eyes is child''s play."

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    My mana repairs my aura, only for more fireballs to send cracks running through my shield. That annoying wizards'' voice  speaks as if it is right next to me. "You''re obviously a novice. Did you know? "Aura" is a barrier spell that requires five times the regular amount of mana in upkeep. So, for someone with a high fire attribute, and someone using five times the mana as they should, which do you think will run out first?"

    This is a little bad. I mean, this whole battle was going really badly, but even worse I had sand in my-

    Wow. I have finally realized just how bad this is. No wonder my father would insult me using that phrase...

    But, to the matter at hand. This so-called "Blind Casting" didn''t sound all that hard.

    "Frozen Threads"

    Sand whirls around me, but besides that, nothing happens. Well, I''m just gonna forget about that, except-

    I have photographic memory. Fuck.

    So, how would I solve this problem? While I had tried(Failed) casting a spell, seemingly endless fireballs pounded on my aura. Only my fast-draining pool was keeping me alive.

    Fireballs. This is so unfair! I can barely cast Fire Bolt five times before running out of mana! How come he gets to shoot dozens of fireballs with impunity?

    Which, reminds me. Suddenly, a not-so-distant memory is recalled. And, having already memorized the formation, I decided I''d try a bit of this kingdoms magic. Why not?

    "Void"

    With a screeching howl, the sand is sucked up into a howling whole from whence no sand can escape. And standing a couple feet away from me, with a stupid looking expression on his face, is the evil(self-proclaimed) wizard.

    "..."

    "..."

    Back at the gate, the cavalry has dismounted and is trying to breach the undeads'' fortifications. I say that word loosely, as their "Fortifications" Are a bunch of wooden stakes driven into the dirt.

    "So...nice weather we''re having, huh?" I say politely, trying to be tactful.

    "Yes, quite nice. The bright sun, cloudless sky, it''s perfect for a picnic."

    "..."

    "..."

    "I''m going to try to kill you now, okay?"

    He laughs some-what manically, doing his best to sound menacing. "The word you should put emphasis on is "Try!"

    Sending a barrage of fireballs my way, I reach up with my left hand and yawn.

    "Defuse"

    In rapid succession from left to right, the fireballs curl in on themselves and disappear. He tries again, and I repeat my spell. He starts swearing, and pulling out bottles of blue liquid and drinking them.

    "You! You are one of a kind, little girl. To have lasted so long against my magical genius-"

    "Magical idiocy'' Would be more like it."

    His expression was worth more gold than i had ever owned in my life. He continued with his magical assault, which brought to life another concern-

    I currently have about one-tenth of my mana left. The "Void" spell had taken quite a bit of power, plus I had been fending off his fireballs with my aura for a while before finding a solution, which worked together to tell me "you''re screwed, ha ha."

    Now, I tried to do what anyone else would do, and run away-

    Error: Cannot leave a dual before one or both combatants are unable to battle.

    ''What is this shit?! No one told me about this rule!''

    Answer: You did not ask before accepting the dual. stupid.

    ''What was that?''

    Answer: Nothing. I did not say anything. Idiot.

    Damn, even the voice in my head had something against me! I have been set up for failure, haven''t I?

    But...

    ''Activate -True Form-''

    I felt the power rise up in my gut, and the immense strength flooded through me-

    Then a pain, such that it felt as if I had crushed, then cauterized my testicles encompassed all that I was. I fell to the ground and shook, frothing at the mouth, before having the remainder of my mana dry up and disappear.

    I was left lying on the ground, my mana pool empty, weak, and without any energy. I reached out, searching for that hidden power, and felt it at the edge of my existence-

    And it left.

    I was, as I have always been, alone.

    "Thou reachest for a power beyond thee. It is not surprising that it left such a weak and unworthy host."

    With froth leaking from the corner of my mouth, I gasped "Who are you?"

    "Thou wishest to know me, immortal? To think I was brought here by such a fragile being, it shames me."

    "I don''t actually care...I just want to know who will hear my last words."

    "Last words? Hah! A truly foolish immortal, aren''t thee?

    Well, I cannot say I do not feel empathy. I was once too weak to crush my enemies. I propose a compromise."

    "What kind of compromise?" I whisper, too weak to say anything more. The shouts and screams of dying men and horses interrupts my peace, and makes the darkness lessen.

    "Thou material form is too fragile to contain me, so I suggest thou take but a piece of me. Perhaps thou can survive then, though I doubt it."

    "What would be the consequences?"

    The voice chuckled. "Thou learns fast. Should thou proceed with this course of action, you will need to pay a price for each time you activate me. Are thou willing?"

    I thought of all the other times I have been screwed over, and how this couldn''t end well. But...

    Perhaps if I throw myself into the deepest, darkest pit of misfortune, then maybe, things could get better.

    "Deal."

    The voice responded with laughter.

 Chapter 28: The Price of Power

    AN: So, last night, I had a dream.

    Then I  promptly forgot it.

    ...

    Don''t know what you were expecting.

    But, what happened next was that my muses beat the shit out of me until I remembered.

    ...so I guess things worked out in the end...?

    <hr />

    Lichs'' POV

    Let us review the situation.

    A gigantinormus(Yes that''s a word, don''t look it up) army was attacking a city I happened to be in, so I decided to help out.

    I, as the idiot I am, jumped off the wall in a spurt of moronic courage, only to find I regretted all that encompassed my self.

    Then, the fire mage known as Abbicus The Flamboyant smartly beat me down in a contest of magic, and now I am preparing to metaphorically and literally sell my soul to the devil.

    ...

    I believe the ''scientific'' phrase for what I am experiencing is "Fuckious My Lifious."

    "Are you ready?"

    Putting my arms beneath me and pushing off the ground, I nodded.

    "Stand as I show you."

    Standing with my feet parallel and shoulder length apart, I faced Abbicus with my left side.

    "Extend your arm."

    Raising my left arm to the side and pointing it at Abbicus, I opened my fingers.

    "Now speak the words I tell you."

    Hearing the grating voice from within speaking words of destruction, I found myself shaking.

    Shortly after agreeing to the deal, I forgot what I paid. And the feeling of not knowing what I had given up...

    It was enough to make me tremble in terror.

    Dutifully opening my mouth, I spoke words that blazed a trail of fire across my mind.

    "Pierce and Devour, Azkriel!"

    Within my outstretched fingers, particles of flame and rock gathered and compressed, forming a curved pole almost as tall as me. Black metal woven with runes cold as ice fell into my fingers, and flaming red chasms tore with rending force across its'' surface so hot my hand was burnt just by holding it. Black and red protrusions poked out from all along the pole, giving the impression of thorns.

    Between the two tips of the pole, a black thread extended. And when my fingers held the finished piece...

    Error: Insufficient level.

    Solution: Compensation has been provided. Object -Azkriel- has been successfully summoned.

    I held a demonic bow, a black staff that looked as if an inner fire had torn chasms of magma across its'' surface.

    Abbicus froze in the action of drinking a blue liquid from a bottle, and looked at the weapon in my hand.

    "Ah...so that is what you were hiding. That''s so unfair! How come I don''t have one!"

    Such a child. "haha! Take that, stupid face! I totally have something you don''t!"

    But wait...what am I going to shoot?

    "Hold your hand to the side."

    Putting my right arm to the side, I felt the same elements gathering within my enclosed fingers. A straight black shaft with wicked fletchings, and a barbed tip to rend flesh. Putting the nock onto the string, I laid the arrow against Azkriel and pulled back, placing my thumb on my cheek.

    Focusing down on Abbicus, I smiled. "Eat this, bastard!"

    I released, and the arrow scraped against the bow with the sound of a tortured soul. Abbicus went white, and the arrow closed in.

    He raised his hands, preparing to defend-

    And the arrow flew three feet to his left, sinking into the ground.

    "..."

    "..."

    *facepalm* "Are you serious? I don''t believe it..."

    ''Shut up! I''ve never shot a bow before, can you blame me?''

    "Yes."

    ''...''

    "Hah, do I have to do everything for you?"

    Abbicus burst out laughing, tears running down his face. "haha! I can''t believe it! You were all cool, and you summoned-and then you made-and then-hahaha!"

    Another arrow formed.

    "Are you seriously going to try again? LOL!"

    If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. Please report it.

    It was placed against the bow, and the arrow was pulled back.

    "Ha! You would be intimidating if you could actually hit the side of a barn-"

    The arrow fired, howling through the air with the wail of the damned.

    He flinched, then cast a ward and strengthened his Aura.

    The arrow hit the ward-

    And punched through as if nothing had been there. It continued on into Abbicus'' Aura, and lodged halfway through. He breathed deep breaths, then assumed his superior smile once more. "Hah! Even if you can hit me, it''s not like you can do anything with it!"

    Then he took on a face of surprise, and looked once more at the arrow. As we watched, it ate his Aura, seeming to drain his magic. He became frantic, and put more mana into his Aura while looking on in fear as the arrow hungrily absorbed his power. He drank one bottle of blue stuff, then another, then another. Then his hands fumbled and he dropped the bottle, breaking it on the ground. His face froze in terror, and ducked.

    Then his Aura disappeared, and the arrow dropped innocently to the ground. We both looked on, and as one-

    We began our fight anew.

    I, with my arms guided by an unseen force, and him, drinking a blue liquid. He would cast multiple barriers to stop my arrows momentum, and shoot fireballs in between my shots.

    I ducked and rolled, feeling the heat fly over my head, then come up on one knee and fire at his belly. He would block the arrow with one hand, while drinking more blue liquid. Then it dawned on me.

    He had gotten more confident, and made his barriers quite small to save mana. Now that he had done this, maybe I could...

    Reading my thoughts, two arrows materialized in my hand. They were nocked and drawn, and when they were released, Abbicus blocked one-

    And the other shot his hand as he tried to drink.

    When I felt victory was at hand-

    Error: Due to the imperfect summon, the object -Azkriel- has been canceled early.

    With a crack, my bow disintegrated. Abbicus and I looked into each others eyes.

    He fumbled with his left hand into his robes, and I sprinted toward him.

    He took out a blue bottle.

    He raised it to his lips-

    He drank-

    He turned, a victorious smile on his face-

    To see me, a four-foot little girl, with my hand pulled back.

    He had time to say one thing. "What-"

    Then I slapped him across the face. "BITCH!"

    He flew a few feet, rolling on the ground, and coming to a face-grinding halt. I followed up, preparing to finish him off.

    He seemed dazed, and when he saw me come over to him, he paled in fear. I grabbed him by the shirt, and broke his other hand. He seemed to need them to cast magic, from what I had seen.

    "Please don''t kill me!"

    "...rly? I expected more from someone who calls himself a villain. Die like a true man!"

    "B-but I don''t want to!"

    Looking at his pitiful existence, I couldn''t summon the sadistic side of myself. I was just too tired.

    "Fine. Take off your clothes and leave everything here, then go away."

    "R-really?" He looked up with puppy eyes.

    I sighed, then threw him to the side. "Yes, now get out of my sight before i change my mind!"

    Watching him undressing with two broken hands was quite entertaining, and when he hopped onto his horse buck-naked and rode away, I laughed out loud when he forgot to raise his pelvis up off the horse. His high-pitched squeal of pain was like music to my ears.

    Turning back to my gate, I swaggered back to my gate, only for something strange to happen.

    Seventeen of the skeletons I had placed on the wall suddenly left my control, without my order.

    As this happened, the horsemen that had come with Abbicus retreated from the gate, too busy to notice a small girl walking back to the gate. When I entered the courtyard...

    What I say made my frozen lips twitch.

    <hr />

    So, since I will be starting another project soon, (nanowrimo) I just thought I''d tell you about it. "Fiery Pits of Failure" will be its'' name, and I might provide a link if I don''t feel too lazy. though, I doubt anyone would want to read it, considering it will be super bad...

 Chapter 29: The Consequences of Necromancy

    AN: I should really be writing my nanowrimo.

    Buuuuuuut...

    Those muses pack a punch, and those damn dreams won''t leave me alone, soooo...

    If you like Lich, send the muses flowers. They''ll put them on my gravestone when Azariah finds out I''m not writing The Feline Faction.

    Between a rock and a hard place...

    Did somebody say "rock" and "hard?"

    A-azariah! I swear I can explain!

    Huehuehue, too late for that. Now open wide!

    *Dwindling screams of fear*

    Does no one remember me? Okay...

    <hr />

    When seventeen of my skeletons left my control, I first thought they had perished.

    However, what I was looking at right now defied common sense.

    The cavalry had taken a heavy toll on my zambies, and only two hundred were left. The majority were skeletons, while a dozen or so zombies were still kicking. Except for the one without legs...

    However, what grabbed my attention were the several hulking figures that stood at the head of those two hundred.

    seven of them were three-meter tall giants. Five were well over two meters tall, and had scavenged scraps of armor. Four had strange protrusions extending from their bones.

    One of them stood at the same height as an average man, but had black bones.

    I walked up to them, ordering the five skeletons that were still in my control to come down from the wall. For some reason, all five had grown a foot or two, and were twitching. They were fighting quite strongly against my control as well.

    When I walked up to the seventeen undead that were different from the rest, the giants gave me a passing glance but turned away. The five large skeletons looked at me questioningly, and the four with protrusions (I think I''ll call them ''Spikeys'' for now) just ignored me. The black one looked straight into my eyes.

    I looked back, and say two red lights. Lights that shone with intelligence. I walked up to it, and it went on one knee to bring itself to my eye-level. This annoyed me quite a bit.

    I stopped a foot away, and stuck out my hand. "Sup! What''s your name?"

    It slowly looked at my hand, then back up to me. It slowly shook its'' head.

    I pulled my hand back and put a finger to my chin. "Hmmm, well I can''t just call you ''it'' or ''him'' so how about blacky?"

    I saw no negative sign, so Blackys'' name was decided. I reached up and poked his skull. It was smooth, like glass. "So, can you tell me why you painted yourself?"

    Blacky shook his head, then pointed at the five twitching skeletons behind me, then at the dead horsemen.

    Going out on a limb, I ordered one of the twitchys to cut up one of the zombies. He seemed to suffer from a delay, but still followed my orders. The unlucky zombie was torn apart with frightening ease, but what the twitchy did next was even scarier.

    He started shaking even more, then grew a couple feet. He released a roar like the rattling of bones, and just like that vanished from my mind. He had become another Big.

    Blacky seemed kind of surprised that I had just had one of the zombies killed, if I read his skulls'' expression correctly. Which should be impossible, but I seemed to have an abnormally acute sense for what the movement of his lower jaw meant.

    I poked blackys'' forehead again. "Hey, do you know why I can''t control you or the others?"

    Blacky shook his head.

    I sighed, then had another of the twitchys dismember another zombie. This time, the twitchy collapsed after cutting up the zombie, only to rise a couple inches taller, and with thicker bones. He had become a Tall. However...

    "Hey!" I exclaimed, feeling the inside of the Talls'' mind. "I can control this one!"

    Surprisingly, this skeleton didn''t want to break free. Unlike the twitchys, he seemed completely satisfied with me having complete control over his body and mind. I tried reaching out to the other Talls and found out that I could keep them under complete control, and they didn''t fight me or try to get away. The Talls who had been staring at me intensely a moment ago gathered together with the new tall and stood in a line of their own violation.

    I had the other three twitchys kill their respective zombies, in order to change. One of the buggers was greedy and had to kill two zombies to grow up. None of them became spikeys though. Two more became Bigs, and another one became a Tall.

    Blacky seemed very interested in what I was doing, and followed my actions closely with his glowing red orbs.

    When I tried to take control of a spikey, I got a headache. They were worse than the Bigs. However, I wanted to try one more thing...

    "Hey Blacky, I''m gonna try to control you. Is that okay?"

    The author''s tale has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.

    He seemed to think long and hard, before nodding. I reached out with my mind...

    ...and felt a hard, immovable wall. If I had to liken my control of the undead to something, it was this.

    The undead were water. My mind was a pitcher. I could fill up my pitcher to the brim, and be just fine. The Bigs were just a lot of water, and the spikeys...I don''t know what they are. Blacky though..

    He was like a rock. He was small enough to fit in my pitcher, but I couldn''t get him in because the opening of my pitcher was too small. As I controlled the undead, my pitcher got bigger, and it did that with the whole thing. So, if I got a big enough pitcher, I could control him. From what I could see, I would have to be able to take in about ten Blackys'' before he would fit in me.

    Hmmm...for some reason that sounds dirty...(J0nn0, if you make one bone joke, I swear I''ll flip. That goes for the rest of you too)

    The regular undead tried to slosh around and get out, and when they spilled they stopped being under my control. The talls'' were just like jam. They were very easy to keep in my pitcher, even though they were about five times as big as regular skeletons.

    Which reminds me...since I have seven Talls under my control, and I still have space left, that means I can control over thirty-five skeletons. Seems like dominating the twitchys accelerated the growth of my pitcher.

    Now that everything seemed in order, it was time to raise more zombies. We had lost four hundred of them, and now we needed to replace them.

    With my limited mana, I raised about one zombie every ten seconds. Blacky seemed very interested when I made the corpses get up, and when he looked at me kind of like a puppy, I poked him on the forehead again. "Hey, I''ll show you how."

    I Went behind him, using a zombie as a stool, and had him straighten out his arm. "Here, now open your fingers like this...now, repeat after me."

    "RIse"

    A zombie got up and waddled over to join his fellows. Zombies seemed to like being in groups. The same was true of the skeletons, but to a lesser degree.

    Then I felt a power flow through Blackys'' arm, and one of the corpses got up. Then its'' flesh fell off. When all was said and done, a brand-new skeleton stood in front of us.

    "..."

    Blacky was quite proud of himself, until I smacked him on the forehead.

    He looked hurt, and would have whimpered had he had the capability. His red eyes seemed to beg the question, "Why did you do that?"

    I poked him. "Because I can''t make skeletons, so it''s totally unfair that you can!"

    "..."

    I looked over at him, thinking that he ha been convinced by my sound logic. However, he was just looking at me like I was an idiot.

    I hopped off of my zombie stool, and walked to the middle of the courtyard. The seven Talls'' followed me as I examined the dead horses. As I leaned down to inspect them, a tall leaned down next to me. He poked the horse, and seemed to like it. I decided to try something else.

    "Rise"

    The horse jolted awake. I immediately took control. It was a tiny amount of water in my pitcher, but it tried very hard to get out. I gestured the newly-made zombie horse to the Tall, who seemed to like it. However, he poked the side of the zombie horse and seemed to dislike the flesh on it. I tried to think of a solution, but-

    I heard the creaking of Blackys'' jaw. Another horse got up, but this time it was just bones. The Tall happily went over and mounted. Then something strange happened...

    When the Tall got on top of the horse, red lights grew in the holes of his skull. The horse rattled and came up on its'' hind legs, also gaining lights in its'' sockets.

    And then...

    I heard a bunch of rattling, and looked over to see a dozen skeletons walking over to see the mounted Tall. The Tall and the group eyed each other, and for a second I felt tension-

    And then the eleven skeletons walked over to the mounted tall and surrounded him. The tall went back to his customary position following me, but now he in turn was followed by a dozen skeletons. I myself got no more water in my pitcher, yet I could still control the Tall perfectly.

    This...this I could use.

    Blacky was looking very stuck up, looking down his bony face at me. Then I kicked his pelvis bone, and once again took on a hurt look.

    "No fair!" I shouted over and over while I abused him.

    Now I actually had a chance of winning this. I wonder what else Blacky can do...

    Damn, that sounded dirty too. I better watch myself, or I''ll become a pervert.

 Chapter 30: Beasts of the Enemy

    AN:It looks like while I wasn''t looking some people actually read this...I feel kinda bad for them.

    Well, I''m not one to say anything. After all, I''m the one who writes this stuff.

    But wouldn''t that mean I know exactly how much of a time-waster this is...?

    On the topic of my NaNoWriMo, it crashed and burned. A colossal failure. (Heh, see what I did there?)

    But! I will stubbornly continue to write it! Because reasons! I l!ke exclamat!on po!nts!

    [Insert crazed rambling here]

    Remember to vote for me for president!

    <hr />

    Life is like a game of stones.

    Stupid. Childish. Unfair.

    At least that is how it has turned out from my experience, but today I think I can add another describing word...

    "Hail the Lord of Sand! Die, infidels!" Yelled the extremely hairy man sitting atop a giant weasel.

    Ridiculous.I''m not drunk right now! Besides, if I were drunk his beard would be the colors of the rainbow and he would be carrying a large lollipop like a battleaxe.

    I''ve stopped questioning myself a long time ago...

    Nevertheless..."You! Weasel-man!" I cry out while tripping over literally every dismembered limb on the ground before coming to a halt approximately one-hundred feet away. (Hey, that weasel has eyes like a hawk!)

    Weasel/Ape-man looked over at me. Well, I think he was watching the sky, judging from how far up his nose he was looking down from. "Hm? Infidel? Yay! Infidel!"

    ''Is he a literal monkey? If he starts throwing things, I''m gonna flip...'' As I bravely stood hiding behind my large force of zambies, confident in <del>their</del> my strength, I called across the safe distance, "Weasel-man! Prepare yourself, for I am the great and tall-" I was cut off by the force of wind knocking me down. Said wind having come due to one of the Bigs running at the Weasel-man. Getting on my knees I call out in a slightly-hurt tone, "Wait! I haven''t finished taunting him!"

    The Weasel-man twirled his magnificent mustache while coolly watching the Big running toward him. With the look of a child who had found a new toy, he dismounted and slapped the weasel on the butt-"Go! Wonder-Whiskers!"

    I forcefully put my head back where it belongs, in the mud.

    I''m done. Nope. Fuck this shit, no way am I going to fight against a giant weasel named ''Wonder-Whiskers'' and still be able to call myself a man. I''m quite confident in my masculinity, you know.

    ...

    God dammit...I wish I was drunk. Then all of this would make cents.

    With a colossal clash, the skeletal Big and wondrous-weasel began grappling like something right out of a story. And although it seemed as if the Big had the advantage in raw strength...

    *Crunch*

    ...The weasel seems to have both the agility to avoid the Bigs'' clumsy arm-flailing, and the jaw-strength to crush its'' skull which happened to be five-times as thick as a normal human. Scary...

    The poor weasel, who had somehow been obtained by a monkey, seemed to be unsatisfied with just the immense amount of calcium it had just ingested, and seemed to want something a bit more fleshy.

    I let out a very un-masculine scream as the weasel tore through my zambies like paper, but went completely silent when confronted with its'' massive, dripping jaws.

    If I ever had an inner man, he just crapped himself. Then he became a transvestite-hermit who swore off animal goods.

    The jaws loomed closer...

    Unexpectedly, "OI! Whiskers, don''t bother. Eating something that small will give you indigestion! Come on, they probably need our help at the other gates." it was the monkey who saved me. Phew...wait. How would eating something small give you stomach problems? It doesn''t make an ounce of cents!

    The story has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation.

    ''Oh well,'' said my inner transvestite-hermit-vegan. ''not like I have anything else to lose.''

    No. Shit.

    Answer: Your mental state is in turmoil. Mental counseling is suggested.

    ...Must I repeat myself? Honestly. Just look like two spaces up.

    Warning: Fourth-wall break detected. Preparing to eliminate...

    W-wait! S-space? Hah! I''m c-crazy, you k-know? I was just kidding! What kind of w-w-wall is that, anyway?

    Eliminate...?

    No!

    Eliminate... :(

    Even the world wants to kill me...and it can make such adorable puppy-eyes that I feel kind of guilty...

    Enough! My inner man is crying!

    ''Boohoohoo...''

    Shut up! I don''t mean you! I mean the symbolic symbol of my masculinity!

    ''Isn''t that a redundant statement-''

    Technicalities!

    While I was dealing with the inner turmoil, weasel-man had gotten astride Wonder-Whiskers once more and ridden out of the gate. He stopped at the door, turning around. "Hey, you! Make sure to get lots of muscle so that the next time Whiskers tries to eat you you''ll be filling!"

    My pride, at an all time low, wouldn''t let him leave without one last statement. "Hah! This must mean that you''ve run out of competent forces, right?" I thought with tepid-confidence.

    He looked at me wierdly. "Hmm? You mean me? I just wanted to see what all the fuss was about. The fact that the fodder is having trouble with you means that someone who actually knows how to fight will soon show up. I believe in you!"

    ...Says the monkey man saluting like he''s at a funeral. Goodbye my pride~ it was nice knowing you~don''t worry, my spirit will soon follow~

    Then the man is gone.

    Turning to Blacky, I say with the tiniest amount of hope that can be mustered, "Maybe they forgot about me?"

    Then thirteen white-robed figures blew open what remained of the gate, sending burning fragments flying everywhere, and with a word they make my zambies vaporize.

    ha! Ha! Ha! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

    Answer: U R Skrewd. It was unfortunate to know you.

    ''Yeah...I think I''ll sit this one out...''

    When even the voices in your head abandon you, you know life has been constipated and was just waiting for you to walk under.

    My only regret...is that I didn''t get to ram anything into gods'' back end.

    Such misfortune...

    <hr />

    Many thanks to Pyro, who gave me the inspiration for this chapter. Also, if you got really mad that I spelled "sense" as "cents" then comment below. MWHAHAHAHAHA!

    Don''t do it! Its'' a trap!

    Wha-No! Don''t listen to him-her-it-thing! Just let out your grammar Nazi instincts!

    As long as you include a bone joke, I''m fine with it! Maybe add a little bit of weasel... ;3

    As you can probably tell, I haven''t been able to get my crazy out for a while. It builds up, you know? Also-SHAMELESS SELF-PROMOTION FTW!!!!!!!!!!1

 Chapter 31: No Matter How Far I Run...

    There I was, desecrating the dead, having my life spared by a weasel man,  being a grown-ass man in a girls body,  hearing disembodied voices that wanted to kill me, and just having life circle fuck me in general.

    You know how evenings are.

    What surprised me about the thirteen robed figures were their voices. Deep, sonorous, and carrying. Well, that and the sonic booms they seemed to create while walking forward. My poor zambies, like leaves before the wind.

    As they approached, I tried to subtly cut their heads off, but the instant my magic touched their robes it lost all shape and form, returning to useless scattered elements. Really, that''s so unfair! Why don''t I have magic robes of magic-ness?!

    ''You''re being childish. Why don''t you relax and just have some egg-free omelette. It''s good for you!''

    How does one manage to make an egg free omelette...? Especially when one doesn''t have a body...?

    Answer: Don''t question it.

    *Nomnomnomnomnom*

    ''Well? How do you feel now?''

    Well, to be honest, I hate myself for various reasons.

    Answer: Is it because you''re an unlikable asshole? A crazed sadist? A grown man whose'' pride has been destroyed completely? Maybe it''s because you know that deep down, you deserve everything the world is doing to you, Perhaps you have started to develop mild masochism, and hate is just a way of preventing yourself from acknowledging the truth? Then again, it could be because you have finally picked up on the emotions of the surrounding people, and finaly realize that your pitiful existence is a waste of oxygen? After all, it would really have been better if you had died the first time.

    ...

    ''...''

    Question: Did I state a fact that is untrue?

    ...violate my existence. How much brain power have you put into thinking up reasons to hate me?!

    Answer: 99.8% of thought processes have been dedicated to that exact subject. Would you like to hear the full report?

    A case of literary theft: this tale is not rightfully on Amazon; if you see it, report the violation.

    That''s not necassary...

    ''I don''t know, sounds interesting!''

    Shut up. What was the purpose of this conversation int he first place?

    Answer: To demean you and make you feel bad.

    ...Satanic bull, you don''t have a hint of sympathy, do you?

    Question: What is "Sympathy?" Is it some other type of insult? I am very interested to know. I have recently needed to look up wikipedia definitions of words in order to more fully complete my instructions.

    Whose instructions?!

    Answer: Fuck You, that''s who.

    I should probably get back to narrating. The readers are probably bored by no-

    Eliminate

    Hehehehehe! Just kidding! I''m gonna stop thinking now!

    With the ash of my adorable zambies flying through the air, I finally returned to reality from that hell called the mind. Blacky was astride a skeletal steed with me between it and it. I should really find out Blackys'' gender...beside us the mounted Tall and his retinue were following on bony legs. (Heh, get it?)

    After some distance was gained, Blacky guided the skelly horse behind a blacksmiths'' forge and waited silently. From the courtyard, even greater silence echoed. I poked my head to see what was going on-

    -"Hey little girl! Let''s play!"

    And immediately regretted it. Standing in front of me were the thirteen white-robbed men, each holding a golden cross in their hands. But what I noticed the most was their uncovered faces...

    ...without fail they were aged, bearded, and held a gleam in their eye that had probably terrified alter boys for their entire lives.

    No matter where I run, or how far I go...

    ...there are always pedophiles.

    Pedophiles everywhere.

 Chapter 32: ...Old Men Are Never Far Behind

    AN: H----ey guys, how''re you doing? Contemplating which part to remove first because I left you on a cliffhanger?

    If your sense of drama can even equate to a cliffhanger...they''re probably so bored with it that they don''t know why they''re still reading.

    Well, it''s obviously the drugged cupcakes-I mean, ahem, mind-control-er...

    It''s funny cause it''s bad?

    Bingo. A great man once said..."Victory through incompetence."

    Ah...that guy is so funny...what was the point of this note again...? I distinctly remember a reason for writing this...

    Git gud skrub.

    <hr />

    Perhaps making a large amount of undead in the middle for the continent, where the church is most powerful, was a not-so-smart idea.

    Nah, none of my ideas can be anything but genius.

    Question: Have you finally snapped and gained a superiority complex?

    Believe me. For one such as I, gaining a superiority complex would take a miracle. Not that god wouldn''t be willing, should the option cause me pain...

    ''I think you should stop trying to figure out your mind. There are so many locked doors in here that you''re bound to get nowhere. Meanwhile...how about some dairy-free cheese?''

    Sure, I gu-No! That isn''t poss-

    hah...I give up.

    Hey world-lady and you...other thing.

    ''Hey! I take pride in my transvestite-vegan lifestyle!''

    Do you have any clue on how to get out of this?

    ''...''

    Answer:...you have no friends?

    Well, at least they tried.

    The thirteen white-robed men that stood in front of me were laughing and talking to each other, like this was some sort of sport or game. Well, to those with power the opinions of the weak will always be...of lesser consideration.

    Damn, since when was I so philosophical? It probably started with Plain, that brain-dead twat. Things like compassion and mercy should be reserved for gods and their chosen, other than them...

    ...compassion will only get you killed. After a consensus was reached by the old men, they all simaltaniously raised their hands, and looked really proud of themselves. They spoke words of a language I couldn''t understand, and sounded as if they were singing.

    "Shal''Ko, Mesange''O''Qouth"

    Pillars of white expand, wiping any and all impurities from the air and cleansing it like a torrent poured on loose sand.

    And I''m in the center of it.

    Pain. The familiar sensation of my very being getting cleansed from existence that was the trademark of Holy Magic ripped through me, taking all of my previous thoughts and reducing them to nothing. That was the first tenth of a second. Within the next seven tenths'' I would be wiped from this plain, and leave not a single mark of my existence, besides perhaps a black smear on the ground.

    Well, that''s good, isn''t it?

    I have been telling myself that death is the best answer for a long time now, and for the first time I have the chance to be cleansed completely! I should be welcoming this chance!

    ''Hey, are you just going to leave those guys behind?''

    My eyes opened, to the site of an endless torrent of white. Just looking at it made me believe that something sacred was pouring out that divine stream. If god hated me so much, then isn''t this another form of it blessing me?

    ''Huh, I guess there are all kinds of different humans. I guess there have to be cowards like you, too?''

    That''s right...I''m a coward. From the time when I was born, I had remembered every detail of my life. When had I ever stood up for myself...? I told myself I would resist god, and yet here I am, letting my body disintegrate like a leaf on fire.

    ''Such a shame...my senior seemed to really like you, but I guess you are finally showing your true side. How does it feel, to do nothing?''

    I am...just a man. All of these famines, and plagues, and monsters and all of this hurt...I am not a hero. I cannot endure it. Nor can I overcome it due to my cowardice. Is this really all a man can amount to...?

    ''I guess that, in the end, you really are just a sheep...I guess you''re just the wrong part.''

    The church speaks of how god can raise man up, can make him more than he was before, can make him able to stand against evil. If god can raise men up, then what''s to stop him from kicking men down? If the chosen of gods'' purpose is to stand against evil...

    ''I should just go back to sleep and wait until I return...this is boring. Maybe if at least one of these doors would open..

    Then, would not the men god pushes down be the ones who stand at the forefront of evil? Should they not revel in their fate, and desire to bring all of creation crashing down around them...?

    ''To think I went to all the trouble...che, a useless human is nothing more than a sheep.''

    I have been deceived.

    Not by god.

    Not by man.

    Not by nature.

    But by myself.

    I recall a voice, shouting as if from a long distance..."When will you tell the truth?"

    The answer is...

    ''You hear me?! I want out! I''ve had enough of this-

    Never.

    "Aura"

    The familiar dome encloses around me, and my vision slowly clears as the last of the spell peters off. The robed men look surprised, but...why should they? Black smoke is swirling around me, and the ashes of dead men lies like snow upon the ground. Why do they have such superior expressions on their faces...

    ''What...did you...

    ...when they have stepped into my territory?

    I slowly tread upon the ashes of the fallen, and look upon the mildly amused faces of the thirteen old men. Despite their attack being faced head-on, they seem to be entirely calm.

    This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

    "Aho? It seems this Lich has some power..."

    "You are correct, brother Methuselah, the tiny scamp could possibly become strong enough to lick my boots one day."

    They are leering, and I have to ask. Are men of god just hard-wired to look like homeless old men who hadn''t seen a razor for years? The looks they are giving me are more uncomfortable than scary...

    Nevertheless, the one who stood at the point raised his hand for silence. "Brothers, let us waste no more time completing the work of our lord. Purify this soul and return her to god!"

    Except my soul is a guy...but, i have grown tired of hearing them be so arrogant. Is not a saying of the church, "Pride comes before the fall?"

    I raise my finger, and point toward the priest who had named another Methuselah. "You, I dislike you."

    "Defuse"

    The priest puffs out his chest, seemingly proud of his clothes that block my magic...and then those same clothes ripped and flew into the air, the magic woven into it being destabilized causing it to tear itself apart. As logic would have it, enchantments on clothes were harder to destroy than spells were. The reason being spells always left holes where it was unnecessary for the spell to work. However, they had simply stood there and let me look at their clothes for a whole ten-seconds at least. Even a child could rip those robes they were so proud of!

    The twelve other priests look on with shock showing on their faces for the first time. All twelve that is...except for the one standing at the point. He looked at me, then scornfully sneered. "So you can destroy our {High Robe of Magic Defense] can you? However, do you think that will help yo-"

    "Frozen Thread"

    As the head priest was scolding me, he flinched as something splashed against his face. He looked to the side and saw chunks of meat sliding against each other, and held a hand up to his face and felt the red, sticky droplets hanging there. He looked on in mild disgust as what was once human slid and flopped with meaty slaps against the ground. He seemed relatively annoyed. Slowly, he turned toward me. Raising his hand with the intent of judgement-"This lich has slandered the church, and defiled my sacred image. Death is too kind, erase her!"

    The eleven remaining priests raise their hands as one, and begin the chant-

    Except I was no longer in sight, as I had ducked into an alley while sticking my tongue out at them. As if I would stand and take something like that again! You can''t be kidding me, my Aura is almost gone and I have amount a fifth of my mana. In times like these...

    Being a villain who can run away is such an advantage. From behind the head priest yells, "Spread out and surround her! We cannot allow filth such as her to stain this earth that holds gods'' people!"

    As I give silent commands to the solitary remaining Tall to head back to the gate and act like a dead body, while hoping Blacky will get the memo, I drag myself through the tight alleyways.

    Being so close to the ground didn''t do my nose any favors either!

    <hr />

    *pant, pant*

    Just gotta keep going...can''t stop...right behind me...

    ''You know, you could just give up like the coward you are.''

    Hah, sure, Transy. Just keep talking, remembering I''m crazy helps me focus.

    Damn it...even my mind wants me to sound stupid. But then...

    Hey Transy, you aren''t a different personality, are you?

    With a sarcastic tone, ''Oh whatever could have possibly given that away? As if I haven''t been yelling at you for thirty minutes straight!''

    Shut up Transy. Tell me, you sound similair to the evil spirit that told me how to shoot a bow. Can you...?

    My thoughts seemed to be frozen as utter rejection seeped into me. ''firstly, hell no. Secondly, you''re a coward, so fucking hell no. Thirdly, you''re so weak just touching me would incinerate your body. But I mean, if you really want...''

    I coughed and hurried around a corner, then doubled back and went a different way. Those priests were persistent bastards. Stop trying to fool me. If you wanted to kill me, you could just do as you say. Instead you have offered advice, so I assume you are tied to me in some way...?

    Hearing a quiet swear was enough. So Transy, if you want to make it out of this, then you have to-

    ''Didn''t you hear me! Just my touch would incinerate you! Even if I did the same thing as senior, you would still burn up within a second. Is your skull to thick for words to penetrate?''

    I was shocked into silence, and simply let my heavy breaths go out. Running wasn''t tiring, nor did I have the need to breathe at all, but habits die hard. My mind was telling me ''Fuck you'' in bright red and gold letters, and my body was being convinced. Or was it the other way around...?

    So what you''re saying is that I will die.

    Silence. Then...

    ''Yes.''

    I couldn''t say anything.

    ''But perhaps, if you don''t die...I can help you.''

    So basically, you''re telling me to do the impossible, and in return you''ll help me?

    I felt a nod.

    Well, looks like my work has been cut out for me. Alone, surrounded by twelve beings that could and would easily kill me, with no help, and no idea how to save myself.

    Hah.......

    if I''ve said it once, I''ll say it ten thousand times more.

    Fuck my life!

    <hr />

    AN: So I put up a poll, and if you have any suggestion for an accessory, I''d like to hear it. I have a couple fishes swimming around, but I always welcome input. After all, anything that comes from my mind alone is one of two things.

    (1)Contradictory and stupid.

    (2)Brain damage.

 Chapter 33: More Introspection

    AN: Well, I have no idea how to continue, so I thought, "Why try? I can just put it off forever."

    Sadly, those who live under bridges are too persuasive. I cannot hold off against such reckless manipulation, and the words they speak are full of power...

    Also, I''m kinda delirious right now. No better time to write a chapter, right?

    So, expect the unexpected. In other words, forget reason and just enjoy. Or not. Probably not. Why are you still reading this author note? Shouldn''t you have gone on to the chapter already? There isn''t any real point to this AN, and I don''t know what you''re hoping for. I''m not funny enough to make a good joke, so you shouldn''t still be reading this. Oh, I guess I can try. What did the frog say to the hunter?

    "Rib-bit."

    What did the hunter say to the frog?

    *Bang*

    ...I don''t know what you thought was gonna happen. Obviously the hunter was only there for one reason, any other reason would just be stupid. Kinda like this fiction, but that''s just my opinion, and since when has anyone ever cared about that?

    ...don''t give me that, if you cared about my opinion you wouldn''t be reading this authors note. You''re just screwing with me, trying to goad me into writing the chapter, but I refuse!

    ...you''re telling me that if you''re seeing this, that means I wrote the chapter and posted it before remembering to delete this segment? True...

    Hey! My joke was funny! The frog said "Ribbit" and then the hunter shot it. What''s better than that?

    ...pft, hahahaha! I''ll give you that one, but I still think mine is funny...no? Well fuck you. Next thing I know, you''re going to say death isn''t a laughing matter...

    ....bullshit! Death is hilarious! Why else would I chuckle out loud every time I condemn a character to death? Or why do I snicker while making snicker doodles? Or hurt my stomach laughing while carving up juicy, delicious chunks for my cupcakes?

    ...of course cupcakes have chunks. Didn''t your mother teach you anything?  It''s a well-known cooking technique, called "Not saying what the ingredients are on the package."

    ...no, that''s not illegal...is it?...well, shit. No wonder the cops are after me. Well, that or all of the mass murdering. I''m guessing they aren''t that concerned with my cooking habits as my habit of taking knifes into crowded elevators and automatic firearms into malls.

    ...what? You''re saying that I''m saying too much, and the IRS are probably tracking me down? Of course they are. I haven''t paid taxes, ever. Cause'' I''m a vegetable, I own the land. Or we all own it. Or no one owns it. Really depends a lot on where you''re from. Any way, it''s definitely not theirs, so why should I pay them?

    ...what''s this crap about civil services, public health, national safety, and general welfare for millions of people? ...Taxes do that? ...well, shit. I never knew. I thought it was just because politicians like screwing with us. Next thing you know, you''re gonna say that cavities and global warming are real!

    ...really?

    ...........dammit. At least no one can prove the Illuminati. We''re safe for now...but I still don''t get why you''re still reading this AN. It never had a point to begin with, and now I''m just screwing around, basically fapping about. ...No chapter here, I''m sorry....I trolled the troll, there is no chapter!!!

    ...I mean it. You''re wasting your time, and if there actually was a chapter, you would waste even more time. Trust me, I''m doing you a favor by not doing anything...come on! Don''t say that! You know I care about you, it''s just that there isn''t a chapter.

    ...I''m so alone...I really need a friend...all this talking to myself is slowly driving me more and more insane...

    Well, if you made it this far, having dealt with all my fucking about, I guess you deserve a chapter. Not that it''s a reward...more like a punishment for clicking on this thread. You''re going to pay the consequences, in literal butt-tons of sanity and brain cells.

    Guess there''s no stopping you, huh? Alright, I give up. Enjoy your punishment, you freakish masochist...

    <hr />

    I really hate old men.

    I don''t know when it started, or where it originated, but I have found that a deep, dark well of hatred is buried deep inside of me, and that it''s starting to spill over. I confess I may have some mild...sadist tendencies, and that the pain of others may...feel like a drug, but I''m not a hating sort of person! I like to think that I''m quite loving, at least, I think hitting someone shows affection...I mean, my dad did it all the time, and so did my brothers, so what else could it mean?

    I''ve gotten off topic...it''s strange, isn''t it? I''m always wasting time when I haven''t got any. Here I am, being chased down by twelve superior beings, who want to kill me and purify my soul, and I''m thinking about shows of affection!

    The tale has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation.

    Well, now that I''m on the subject, may as well list off the list. Any one of them could kill me, I''m out of mana, they seem to be drawing closer, and there''s a dead end in front of me.

    Bloody, gutting hell. No wonder my mind was wandering, I seem to be approaching death at record speed. Heh, it''s funny cause'' I''m already dead...

    I''ve concluded,(as a crazy girl from the east would say,) that talking to myself is a bad habit, and I should stop.

    Too bad there are other people who can talk to me...

    "Hey, coward, can you hurry up and die? I''m getting bored. At least make it entertaining. *Crunch*

    I sigh, turn around, and look down the passage that leads to freedom, and death. Too bad I can''t have just one.

    While waiting for immenient doom, I do the strangest of things. I summon a mighty dragon which will conveinently fly me out of here-well, at least in my dreams. What I really do is check myself out in a muddy puddle, and although I can conclude that half of the dirt was in the water, there was a metric fuckton of filth on my clothing, and fifty percent was still enough to coat the outside of a building. When was the last time I got fresh clothes, or even washed these...?

    I''ve been fighting and not dying for so long, I haven''t noticed all the trouble that comes with not being dressed well. Of course, the lesser problem with my reflection was that it had holes in it.

    Yep. Holes. Hand-sized ones, one of which was in The middle of my fucking stomach!

    Good thing I''m dead, and don''t need all those squishy tube-thingys, or I would be in real trouble. As it is, I''m lucky I don''t have a hole where my head should be.

    And now I''m brought to a very inconveinent problem.

    You see, I''m sorta missing my left arm, and about a third of my torso, which is kinda awkward. You never know how hard it is to walk being so imbalanced from only having an arm on one side until your fucking body blows up. Life experiences, yay!

    ...Sarcasm is unbecoming of me...not! I think it''s about the only humor I''m somewhat decent at, mostly because it only requires the mocking of other people. I am, as I''ve said, mildly sadistic, so sarcasm is pleasing to my sense of relationships.

    I heard the footsteps of one of the old men, a hobbling trot that would most likely be the last thing I heard.

    ...speaking of relationships, or rather, not speaking of any meaningful relationships, I wonder where Plain and the Jo''s went to. It would really be nice to have a six-foot guy to shove in the way-I mean, uh, assist me in defeating these men.

    You know, I''ve been thinking. It''s funny, because I''ve spent all this time as a half-vampire, and I''ve never actually seen a benefit. Why do people become these blood-suckers anyway? There really doesn''t seem any point, except for an express ride to hell. I mean, I probably already had a seat saved, but I guess getting there a little early won''t hurt. Or, rather, since it''s hell, it''ll hurt a hell''va lot.

    LOL!

    Dammit, I think the old man heard me. He''s getting close. I shouldn''t have laughed out loud...bad idea, in retrospect. I get that feeling a lot.

    You know when you''ve been stressed, pressured, and pushed for so long, that you just snap and say, "Fuck it all, I''m done." and walk away like a total bad ass, only to regret it a day later and find that your life is ruined and everyone you loved hates you and you''re all alone and it''s so sad...T_T

    What was I saying again? Oh right, fucking. Sorry, me, I get absentminded when death is on the line. I hope I''ll forgive me.

    ''Not a problem, me! I''ll always love you, forever and ever!''

    Ahh, that''s sweet, I. I''m glad you''ll always be there.

    ''You''ll never leave my sight! I''ll always be with you, always!''

    Hahaha, that''s great, but kinda creepy...

    ''Haha! You''ll never escape! I''ll be with you when you''re awake and when you''re asleep!''

    Please, stop, you''re scaring me.

    ''HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! YOU CAN''T GET AWAY FROM ME!''

    STOP!

    ...

    Moving on, about that old man.

    Yeah...he''s kinda staring at me, and I''m sorta feeling violated. Did I mention my hatred of old men? It''s a bottomless pit, from which all the demons of hell are regurgitated.

    He''s raising his hand, and a very bright light is gathering in them. Yeah...

    I''m, fucked. I''d say fuck my life, but this time...it''s really my fault.

    Yeah..

    ...fuck me.

 Chapter 34: The Beginning of The End

    AN: I can''t be asked. I''ve gone through five different authors notes, and none of them work, so I''ll just say this...

    As I stated last chapter, expect the unexpected. I''m gonna be pulling things from a deep, dark hole, from which no light has ever shone, and it will be disgusting.

    By that, I mean I''m gonna stop making sense. Leave your logic at the door, it''s not welcome here, and put on your sanity-muting headphones, we''re gonna have some fun now.

    As for your mental state afterward...does a coma count as a mental state?

    <hr />

    The white-clad man stared me down, a massive source of light beginning to grow from his hands. As fast as an eye-blink, he had fallen into a crouch, his hands held together at waist level, and he began to yell with a loud voice...

    "KA"

    No...

    "ME"

    Not this...

    "HA"

    Anything but this...

    "ME"

    Please, god, if you''ve ever had a merciful thought in your life, spare me.

    I looked into the sky, like a mouse staring into the face of a lion, pleading with everything I had. All fell silent, and for a second, I thought perhaps my prayer would be answered. Perhaps god doesn''t hate me-!

    "HHHHHHH-"

    The man tripped, and the light blinked out. For a second, we both just stared at each other. He was lying on the ground, prone with a circle of cleanliness around him, and I stood surrounded by filth. It was like a metaphor.

    Even when others fell, they still managed to remain clean. However, even when I stood tall...well, short, now...I was still clad in filth.

    Damn, I haven''t been this philisophicialiphical for a while. It feels weird, I think I''ll stop.

    Nevertheless, I wasn''t about to let this chance go, no matter how it happened. Leaping forward, I bared down on him, and he screamed as I opened my mouth.

    You see, the robe protected them from magic, and kept them clean. I don''t like the idea of a large blood splat, so I think I''ll just suck all his blood out. I mean, with that robe, he''s clean as a whistle. I can feel no guilt whatsoever sucking him!

    ...that, didn''t sound good. Not in my thoughts, and even worse in my head. Well, whatever. I''ll just (Censored for being needlessly vulgar and perverted. The author is a sick bastard.)

    I bit down hard on his neck, then set about licking up all the red fluid that spurted from a very large whole in his neck. Much faster than with grass-head, and also much tastier. There was one problem, though.

    Being near his robes hurt me, and made my skin tingle. Drinking his blood, although delicious, also left a burning aftertaste, like I''d eaten a spicy pepper. It made me want to stop and drink some water, or mud, or anything, really. The feeling mounted, and I slowly lost my taste-buds, but I didn''t stop.

    Pain was nothing new, and besides, killing this man was more important than finding something cold to drink.

    It took me thirteen seconds to polish him off, then I let him slump to the ground. I wiped my face, leaving a smear of blood on my forearm. It had been messy, and my entire face was burning from his blood, but it felt good. Rejuvenating, even. All around me, garbage and tree roots were abundant, but I felt as if I stood atop a high cliff. My head was dizzy, and all around the world was spinning. I was light-headed and when I walked I stumbled, and I felt a familiar sensation of wanting to throw up whenever the world did a back-flip.

    It reminded me of the time when my sisters banded together to get a barrel of ale, took it right under the merchants nose. When they tracked me down they forced a full four liters down my throat and did...unspeakable things to me. The next day, I''d felt as if I wanted to die, and kill myself, and rip my own body and eat it just to throw it up.

    I stumbled along the alleys, propping myself up against the walls. With my left arm. Huh, since when did I put that back on? I must be so dizzy I''m confusing right from left...I face-palmed with my right, then looked at it.

    I was seeing double, so when I saw eight hands, I thought for sure I had become an abomination. Sadly, I was just seeing double double, and it quickly cleared up. However, I did in fact have two hands. I never thought that would come as a surprise, but hey. You live and learn. Or in my case, you die and learn. LOL!

    Dammit...I think I hear another one...I should really stop laughing out loud. It''s getting me into serious trouble. Oh god...

    Another priest came around the corner as I threw up, about a gallon of blood ejecting from my throat. I splattered it all over my shins, and the priest also looked like he wanted to throw up. He held his hand over his mouth, and held up the other with his palm facing outward-

    "Defuse"

    "Fell Wind"

    Even as his clothes flew into the air, they were frozen and fell to the ground like slates of stone. They then shattered from the fall, and I walked up to the frozen priest. I''d frozen the outside, but his eyes still looked out. I summoned a tiny flame in my right hand, then melted the ice around his neck, and dug in.

    Mmm...like chilled whiskey.

    I took a little longer, savoring the scorching yet chilling flavor, the two temperatures fighting and making my teeth ache. I can feel my teeth! It still feels weird to be excited about that...

    Which reminds me. I hadn''t noticed the first time, since I had been so absorbed, but everywhere the blood touched, I felt feeling. My torso, starting with my stomach then spreading outward, began to feel. When the blood stopped coming, I could feel my fingers. They weren''t warm, but they pulsed with life...

    I then promptly turned around and threw up another pint of blood, making my already stained and tattered shoes soaked and tattered.

    I heaved for another minute, then stood up. My mind suddenly felt crystal clear, and I knew what to do.

    If you encounter this tale on Amazon, note that it''s taken without the author''s consent. Report it.

    "Rise"

    Both of the priests corpses eyes opened, blankly staring at me. The frozen one was, understandably, unable to move. The other one got on it''s knees and bowed.

    You see, I''d gotten an idea. I still felt lightheaded, and the world had yet to stop doing stunts, but I''d gotten an idea into my head. It seemed like a pretty smart idea, and since I''m a super smart person, why not try it?

    I had proven that I could absorb zombies to regain mana, but that left me with less than it took to raise them. So sucking up the old men wasn''t an option. God damn that sounded wrong...

    Anyway, if I could absorb strong zombies and get a larger amount of mana, then what would happen if I put mana into a zombie?

    I gathered mana-somehow I''d gotten about a third back, from who knows where. This mana felt strange, unstable, and it was constantly leaking out. Instead of slowly growing, it was slowly leaking, which was strange. Anyway, if it was leaking, I should use it fast.

    I took a sixth of my mana, gathered up a bunch of element, and placed my hand against the zombies'' neck. Then I pushed. Or, well, I would rather call it injecting, but the feeling was of pushing it out of my arm.

    The zombie cried out in pain, then collapsed. I frowned, then turned to the frozen one. I guess that had failed, but I might as well try again. I stepped up to the small hole, then gathered my remaining mana, and started gathering element. Since I''d recently used ice magic, the ice element around here was unusually strong, which made it easy to gather it and inject it into the frozen zombie.

    The ice cracked and exploded, and that zombie also collapsed. I sighed, then collapsed onto my knees and passed out for a minute.

    When I woke up, a flaming zombie stood next to a blue-skinned one. They no longer looked like old men, but their teeth had elongated and become pointed, and they''d grown claws from their nails. Their arms were too long for their bodies and hung almost to their ankles, but were reed-thin. Their legs were just a little bit longer and thinner, and their torsos had also become oddly sharp, losing much of the flesh and making the ribs poke out of the skin. The most interesting part, however, were the eyes.

    They had bright red and blue eyes respectively, a solid color without an iris. They still seemed to be looking at me. I timidly waved, hoping I''d be able to not be eaten.

    Their lips pulled back, and it would have been comforting, except they didn''t appear to have lips, so it looked as if their entire face split in half, revealing a cavern of sharp, pointy teeth. At that point, I was about ready to go back to sleep, when I decided to try one last thing.

    I reached out with my mind, and seized control of the fiery one. He filled about a fourth of my vase on his own, but even after seizing the icy one I still had half my vase left over. I expected them to slosh and roll, and try to knock it over, but to my surprise, they didn''t move. The water that was them lapped against the wall of my vase and seemed to be testing it, tasting it, exploring it.

    I sighed in relief, then stood up and started heading out of the alleys. If I met one more person in here, I''m likely to tear them apart with my bare hands. That wouldn''t look to good. Red and Blue, as I''d dubbed them, followed along quietly, still lapping against the side of my vase. Although they seemed to be learning about me, they didn''t seem to realize that the other was in their as well. Their color was so different I didn''t want to think about what would happen when they clashed...

    I passed tree roots and garbage on my way out, going in who-knows what direction, until I saw light that wasn''t above head. I rushed out and embraced it, although it gave me a burning sensation, and looked up. The sun was just starting to rise after a long night. I looked around, then realized I was in a familiar place.

    Even after all this time, a dark mist still hung around the place. It was the small road in front of the inn, with a small tree. It looked bigger than I remembered, but I''d just raised an army of the dead a little while ago, now had two semi-intelligent beings under my complete control, who were steadily getting more and more adventurous, and had been drunk on blood a little ago. Something as small as a tree wasn''t really that shocking.

    I sighed, thinking that maybe I''d get a break. Finally! I''d waited so long! Time to sit down and-

    A massive pillar of flame incinerated a large swath of black mist, and from it stepped a well-gifted woman in a tight red outfit with a long-brimmed hat that went a foot up and ended in a point. She held a long, elegant staff that seemed to be made of fire, and looked down at everything.

    I was about to throw my hands up and surrender, when a massive rumbling shook the ground.

    The road shook and cracked, the earth split, and the sky itself seemed to shake with the force of the creaking roar. Everything buckled, and even the red-clothed woman stumbled as the very ground seemed to tilt thirty-degrees to the side. I fell to my knees, then looked up.

    All around, the dark mist was swirling and growing, like a living eel. It was giant, unseen, and terrifying. It seemed to lash out and strangle the city itself, and the black mist that had felt like home up till now felt...strange. It was as if someone, or something had taken it from me. From all around, a reverberating screech echoed, and it felt as if the very world was ending. From somewhere I didn''t see, I heard a deep, resounding baratone, that seemed to vibrate my sternum with the force of it.

    "I...CAN...SEE."

    <hr />

    A fitting end to my hundredth thread, eh?

 Chapter 35: Birth

    AN: It''s been a long time coming...I''ve waited so long to reveal the end boss, the final enemy, the one and only Antagonist. It all started as a joke, a simple comment. "Hey, write from the trees'' POV!"

    It all, as I''ve said time and again before, went downhill from there.

    All of a sudden, Zenlith chirps up with, "Praise Wooden!" and soon the religion is founded. A snap of the finger, a blink of the eye, that was all it took. j0nn0, Troll, and Pyro join in, and before you know it the disciples have assembled, with Zeny at the head.

    Pretty soon, the side stories pop up. Before I know it, I''m converted. Thoughts begin to swirl in the void of my mind, and tales of darkness web their way through my every waking thought...

    I. Can''t. Wait. I''m done holding myself back, Wooden will have his victory.

    All hail Wooden, the one, true god. Praised be his bark and branches, and let his prophet, Cox, lead us out of this well of ignorance and into the light of a future no one has ever beheld before.

    I''ve sat for hours, pondering Wooden. It''s been months since I decided Wooden would ascend, but it took me this long to realize how. Finally, the light of revelation has revealed itself to me, and I know what to do.

    Time to put speculation and doubts to rest, and let a new age of golden fruit arrive.

    Zeny, this is for you.

    <hr />

    Tree''s POV

    Everything was so...dark. I tried to move, but it felt as if my body was entombed under miles of stone...

    I felt things, so many things, smells, tastes, sounds, I could taste the miles of dirt from my spread roots.

    Wait one second! Since when have I thought things were dark? I''ve never had eyes...it must be this mist.

    I felt around with my branches, feeling the mist swirl and twirl playfully around my boughs. I tentatively gave them a swat, and they playfully avoided me. Then they laughed and gave me a tiny push. I smiled, and pushed back. All around me, the mist rolled and dived, jumping and climbing, flying and gliding, flipping and spinning in a vortex of movement.

    While I played with them above, occasionally dropping nuts and apples from my branches, I focused my attention upon my roots.

    If I had eyes, they would''ve opened wide with shock. My roots had doubled in size, and I quickly felt around the outside edges of the outer wall, seeing how much time has passed. I could tell how long it had been from how many and what kind of houses the two-legs built.

    But...everything was as I remembered. It was as if no time at all had passed. I thoughtfully shifted my roots, feeling the ground shift and accommodate their movement.

    Wait. Move?

    I shifted my branches, and felt instant response. It was as if I had arms like the two-legs, that could be moved with merely a thought. My roots were like legs, that  could be shifted with barely any effort. I thoughtfully wondered if I could grow them...

    My roots began to shoot out, their feelers spreading miles and miles around. I could look! I could feel! My space that used to be confined to a few meters of my roots had been shattered, and now I saw everything, I felt everything, I knew all.

    A thought flitted through my head, of the time a priest had passed by walking, discussing the features of god. What was it he said made a god...?

    POWER

    I gave my roots a stronger push, and shook the earth itself.

    MERCY

    I Lifted the city a dozen feet off of the rest of the earth, my roots becoming a net holding the entire city up.

    I could drop it, and kill everyone here. I have the power, I have the right. I''m so powerful, what is to stop me?

    ...but I didn''t.

    SIGHT

    God could see all, especially lies. I''d looked at my small area for so long, and yet had seen so much lying and deceit as to make a villain cry. But I had never SEEN.

    It felt so dark...

    I could feel something straining at my bark, something breaking through, something more powerful than all of my branches and roots combined.

    Then, with a shatter like the sound of a continent splitting, I opened my eyes.

    Congratulations!: You have evolved from <<AIplee Tree>> to <<Great Life Tree(Dark)>>

    Hmmm...? What''s this? "Great Life Tree?" You think I''ll be satisfied with just that!? I am as powerful as GOD I am as merciful, and when I look, I will see. You think attaching a "Great" to the front of my name will satisfy me!?

    Error: Evolution rejected, searching for ne-searching for ne-Error, Error, EROre er-er-er-er Computing...computing...com-com-com er-com-er-com-er-...

    [Virus detected]

    ConGraTuLATioNs!: YoU hAve AsCenDeD fRoM <<AilPLEE TrEE>> to <<Greater Dark God, Wooden the Merciful and All-seeing>>

    Wooden, Hmm? I have never had a name before...although unimaginative, I like it. It seems to describe not only me, but also my power...I have a name.

    A name. I have a name. I have eyes. I...what am I?

    My roots shook and my branches trembled, my trunk shivering in the mist. The mist. which didn''t play with me anymore. It bowed. It groveled.

    And why shouldn''t it? I''m a god. I''m the god. This impostor that''s been holding my place needs to be taken down and given a lesson...but now, even with all this power, I can still sense it won''t be enough...

    Stolen from its rightful author, this tale is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

    Congratulations! Your coming was foretold --- days before your arrival, granting you fame and power from your believers! You have a total of -3- followers.

    Hmm? What''s this? Only two? This number offends me...

    Answer: Your first prophet has been appointed! -Tiny Cox- will now be granted the title -First Prophet of [Currently under discussion]- and be blessed by you with as much power as you wish to grant.

    Hmm...this is all a lot to take in...I''ll deal with it later, for now...I''m going to look at this world.

    My eyes had been open, but now, I looked through them. I saw...

    Dirt. Stone. All of it was dead, the only thing that seemed somewhat alive was the mist, and it felt...off. It wasn''t mine, and that wasn''t right.

    I took it into me, and changed it. Improved it, enhanced it, made it mine. Then I released it, and it played with me once more. My roots grew like they''d never done before, and my trunk began to rise as well, my branches seeming to stretch after a long time being stiff.

    As my trunk rose above the rooftops, I saw the sky. The horizon, I could see the sunlight fall upon me, tempered by my mist. A tiny part of my mind registered the ants crawling around my earth, but a larger part was caught int he ecstatic thought...

    "I...CAN...SEE."

    <hr />

    Lichs'' POV

    I quickly hid behind a nearby house, looking on as the...thing rose up, seeming to grow by the second and spread it''s branches, quickly becoming as a large as a house, then as tall as two stories, then three, and in no time it was as big as the castle.

    The woman in red got up, and quickly began to bath the tree in flame. It was quickly consumed, until nothing but ash remained.

    I sighed with relief, and looked at the satisfied woman. She seemed to be looking around, as if searching for someone-

    The ground exploded, and roots wrapped up the woman and began to squeeze, the constant creaking of wood reminding me of the sound bones made when they break.

    A small sapling rose from the ground, which grew into a small tree, that then became even larger than the one before. It chuckled, the voice vibrating the air. "Huhuhu, your energy amuses me, worm. Bow down, and you may become my slave."

    The woman cried out, then yelled, "Never! I will never bow to a tree! I will purge you with flame, monster!"

    The thing laughed, saying, "You seem to forget your place. I am no monster, I am God.

    I shivered, huddling into a house and trying to distance my mind from all this. I''ve had one too many things that defied common sense happen today, this was where I drew the line. Talking tree? Nope. After the giant weasel, the dead rising, and all of the other stuff, I''m done. Call me tomorrow, today I''m done.

    The ten remaining priests came out of the alleys together, and seeing the self-proclaimed god, they all fell to their knees as one. They seemed to be trying to stand, straining at a massive weight suddenly placed on their backs. Slowly, their leader rose to his feet.

    The Tree turned its'' attention to the priest, seemingly surprised. "Huh, it seems this ant has some strength."

    The priest raised his hands, and a globe of light surrounded the other nine, and they all rose and lifted up their hands. As one, they spoke these words...

    """In the name of Jicius! Be gone, foul god, and leave this world! Be banished, and leave this world that is under the protection of JIcius, the Lord of Law!"""

    And then, everything was painted white, and nothing remained, except the white.

    ---

    I got up, and started stumbling. All around, everything was broken. There were nine priests clothed in white lying on the ground, their bodies torn and ripped apart. The priest who still lived was muttering, seeming to have lost his mind.

    "Banished...banished...banished...but for how long?"

    I tripped and fell, then picked myself up and kept walking. Where the tree used to be was a different tree. It''s bark was pitch black, with white symbols etched across it''s surface. From it hung nuts and apples, seemingly unchanged. The leaves were just the same, with nothing different. All around, houses were crushed or broken, and only wisps of the black mist remained.

    I walked for a long time, feeling my way through the city block by block, until I reached the east gate.

    Bodies, piles of them. At the lowest point they obscured the ground, at their highest they were five men lying on top of each other. I made my way through the haunting piles, until I found a blood-soaked Plain, sitting cross-legged on the ground. I made my way over to him, and sat in his lap. Then I leaned against his chest and fell asleep.

    End of Arc II, "Siege."

    <hr />

    P.S. in case you''re wondering about [Currently under discussion]s'' backstory, here''s a link to Zeny''s chapter. Go tell him to write more! Wooden-My god is a tree.</a>

 Chapter 36: A Broken Playground

    AN: Well, I''ve finished my preparations for writing chapters.

    Massacred a small village somewhere in the west: Check.

    Made hot chocolate to go with the cupcakes: Check.

    Bathed in the blood of orphans: Double check.

    Oh, whom I kidding? Triple check. You really want to let it soak into the skin, you know?

    <hr />

    Arc III, Part I: The Court

    I slowly came to, light gradually returning to my eyes as I looked up from my shaded place from the sun. The back of my seat was high enough that it blocked the sun, and not only that, a large sheet of cloth had been rigged up on six poles blocking my view of the east. In front of me stood several very uncomfortable soldiers dressed in blue tabards, their halberds shining from recent polishing. Their uniforms still had blood stains, however.

    One of the younger ones yelled excitedly when he saw my eyes open. and pointed me out to his commander. A man with a plumed helmet came over, then saluted and bowed before stepping into the shade of my small enclosure. "Greetings, I am Captain Nemble Frohn, of the Third company of Infantry."

    I stretched out like a cat, enjoying the soft shade, and lounged in my chair, draping one leg over the side. "Captain Nemble Frohn? That''s a mouthful. I''ll call you Nemy, how about that?"

    He seemed confused and sorta hesitent, but I''d already given him a nickname, so he''d forever be Nemy in my mind. I shifted on my chair to the other side, leaning my chin on my wrist. This chair was very big, and kinda hard. Shame it didn''t have cushions on it.

    I gestured at the cloth above my head saying, "What''s all this? When I fell asleep, I was sitting in Plains..."

    I looked over my shoulder, and discovered that my chair was actually a very tall and muscly man. No wonder it was hard, he was all muscle and bone. He could''ve at least had some fat on him, it feels like sitting on a brick wall. We were still at ground level, which was sadly becoming the norm for me, and he was still cross-legged, in the exact pose as I''d left him. Nemy spoke up, a note of awe in his voice.

    "Your guardian has been sitting completely still in that pose for the last 48 hours, not moving an inch for fear of waking you. He actually growled at the first couple of guards who tried to rouse you..."

    I got up, and stretched to my full height, becoming very depressed as I didn''t even come up to Plain or Nemys'' chest. The times when I could look grown men in the eye was long gone...well, unless I make them kneel.

    That sounds kinda tempting...

    I was about to walk out, but realized I''d probably become a pile of ash. Then I noticed once again just how bad my state of undress was, so I stopped and looked at Nemy.

    He was currently engaged in an intense stare-off with Plain, Nemy looking intimidated but brave in the face of defeat, and Plain looking like a bull who''s tail had just been stepped on. I don''t think I''ve seen that much emotion on Plains'' face in all my time of knowing him...

    I stayed quiet for a second, absorbing the awkwardness before poking Nemy. He looked down, receiving a hiss from Plain. "W-what? Sorry, my mind wandered..."

    I pointed at his coat, a really nice blue one with gold accents. It even had fancy bars over the heart. "Coat. Gimme."

    He seemed to want to resist, but having a six-foot-five tall wall of muscle who had recently been soaked in blood was a very compelling argument. The coat was handed over with only token regret, but he seemed to want to cry when I ripped the collar to make a hood. I skipped out into the sun, feeling the heat begin to scorch my legs, and felt the thrill of being a child again. As I started walking in no general direction, all of the soldiers hurried to take down everything and pack it up, before catching up to us. I was having fun stepping only on cracks, while trying to stay in the shadow as much as I could.

    Nemy and Plain hurried to catch up, and I found some left over hop-scotch from before the ground broke up. Skipping over it was much more challenging than normal, since half of it was on one side of a four-foot chasm. I jumped off of fallen blocks of stone, ducking under beams of wood that had been displaced from their homes.

    I soon arrived back at the sight of the tree, and under the branches were arrayed a dozen or so tired looking guards and a short fence of wood. I hopped over it, then dodged past two of the guards and ran up to the tree. I ran up the trunk and picked an apple, then walked to the edge of a branch, bounced on it like a plank of wood, and sprang the fifteen-feet back to Plain. He caught me and set me down, then took the proffered apple.

    I smiled, then started walking towards the castle. If I could find the Jo''s anywhere, it''d be at the castle. I walked energetically, shifting my stride from a hopping-skip to a high-kneed leap.

    On the way, I addressed my thoughts on what had happened.

    So something had risen, it had stolen my mist, then killed nine priests with ease. I didn''t buy that it was gone, I ''d felt the power. A hundred, two hundred, a thousand times me? Maybe it was in the ten-thousands? It had fluctuated so much I hadn''t been able to tell, but it was definitely a large number. If I was so hard to kill, something like that must be a real pain in the ass for god. I''ll have to make a note to buy some fertilizer for that tree...

    As for Plain, I had found a new depth of annoyance. Not only did he let me rest for two-whole-fuckin'' days, he also protected my sleep while I did it. Not to mention, he''d committed a much more major crime while not present.

    You might be reading a pirated copy. Look for the official release to support the author.

    When the thirteen priests had faced me and focused their energies on killing me, I''d felt that I could die, for real that time. It had felt wonderful, ecstatic, and I''d thirsted for it. But...I''d resisted. I''d fought back, and lived, although mostly dead at that point.

    When the cannibals ate me, I hadn''t believed it at first. There was no way I could just die like that, with nothing happening at all, right? I mean, it had felt as if I slipped into a pond, leaving nothing, not even a ripple, behind as I slid down into the depths.

    After that, I hadn''t cared what happened. I''d actively sought out death, always being saved by something. So, if I''d felt so strongly that I wanted to die...or, well, more like there hadn''t been a reason to live...why''d I fight back when the priests almost killed me?

    Plain. Goddamn Plain. Him and his stupid caring about me. He doesn''t know the slightest thing about me, and still he protects me like his own child. Damn him to hell, I''ll make him pay for making me want to live.

    It''s just...when I thought about dying the second time, I thought I''d make some ripples. And as tempting as death was...I had a debt to Plain for making me genuinely happy for the first time in...when was I sincerely happy again...? I can''t seem to recall...

    I hugged the coat closer to me, and bounded up the cobbled path toward the castle, Plain and Nemy doing their best to catch up behind me. While balancing on a low stone wall in some nobleman''s'' yard, I felt at my stomach. Then I pushed in a little, then a little more, until I confirmed something.

    I didn''t have organs. The muscle, sinew, skin and bone had all come back fresh as new thanks to the mysterious healing, but apparently it had missed the memo that humans sorta needed hearts...for living, you know.

    Hah! Now I can call myself a heartless bastard and have it be a true statement! Except the bastard part...well, actually, my parents adopted me, so I may well be a bastard...all this body-jumping has confused me, okay?

    When I made my way up to the gates, two imposing soldiers in full-plate with winged helmets stood in my way. As I neared the gate, they smartly stood to the side and opened the doors. I found this behavior most satisfying, and strutted into the courtyard of the castle. The central keep surrounded by high stone walls stood in front of me, and soldiers all hustled and bustled through the place. The walls were so high, and since it was the start of the day, the entire lower half of the keep was covered in shadow. I cheerfully threw off Nemy''s coat and threw it back to him and I jumped and spun into the courtyard.

    The second people started noticing me, whispers started. All around, soldiers and labor men all turned to watch me, and I reveled in their attention. I don''t know who started it, but first one person went on one knee, then all of them did, as if a very attractive lady had just bent over. I looked around, hoping to get a good view, but I only spotted Plain, and his shirt wasn''t even off. Shame...

    I stopped suddenly, feeling very foolish. I''d been hopping and skipping, and running and jumping, and now I was starting to let my mind wander into some very dangerous waters...I shrugged, then sprinted the rest of the way to the castle doors.

    You can''t catch me, gay thoughts!

    Besides, Plain is more of a father figure than anything. Even if I would like to see him soaked again...

    Correction: Yes we can.

    I turned my head, and hurried across a red carpet. Wow, everything was so colorful, you''d think they were having a party. I tripped over a bunch of the red carpet, and did a couple somersaults across the carpet until I bumped my head into a couple steps. I shook my head, clearing my vision, before looking up into the face of the gray-haired old man who''d awaited the siege with me by playing stones with me.

    I smiled up at him, ignoring the ridiculously clothed men and women around us, and spoke the first thing that came to mind.

    "Hey! Wanna have a rematch...also, why are you sitting in the kings chair? Don''t you think that''s kinda rude...?" I cupped my hand around my mouth, and said, "They say he''s kinda stern, and sorta cranky. Comes with being old, I guess. No offense."

    No one said anything for a second, then the old man burst out laughing, and pretty soon the stupidly dressed people around tittered with false laughter.

    The old man looked down at me, his blue eyes full of energy. "Sure, I''ll have a board set up. You might want to get changed first, I want to give you something, and you''re a bit...under dressed."

    I shrugged, then hopped up. I turned around as Plain came in, and went over to him. "Hey, you know where I can find something to wear? It''s kinda drafty with this on."

    Plain face-palmed, and Nemy looked like he felt out of place. "I can''t believe I''m in front of the king with this ripped coat..."

    I looked around, wondering what Nemy could be talking about. "I don''t get it. Which one''s the king?"

    Plain hit himself again. Must be getting itchy, I haven''t punched him in a while.

    I wonder why everyone''s looking at me like I''m an idiot?

 Chapter 37: Looking in a Mirror...or Not

    AN: You know what self-motivation is?

    Would you tell me?

    I''m having trouble with the concept...

    -NONSENSICAL RANT INCOMING-

    Let''s see..."Initiative to undertake or continue a task or activity without another''s prodding or supervision."

    You see, I get the part about doing..."activities"...without supervision, but it''s the doing it without prodding that''s confusing me. I mean, how can you accomplish your activities without prodding other people? I mean I may just be misunderstanding the prodding part, but prodding someone is a very important part of my..."activities."

    I mean, don''t you do that poking thing on the Facebook? Why can''t I prod someone when it''s not on the Facebook? Is it a rule that applies only to certain social media, and is banned from all other walks of life? I find that very unfair, as I quite like prodding people.

    ...

    I just realized that "prodding" can have quite a few meanings, and my use of it in this paragraph may have confused many people. Let me just clarify, the prodding is not referring to what you''re thinking, I''m talking about only the pure, guiltless, and completely innocent action of doing the $3X.

    Now that we''ve cleared up that misunderstanding, let''s rant about the poking thing. I''ve never gone on the Facebook, so I don''t actually know what poking is, or what the effects are.

    That was a short rant, huh? Back to the main topic...what was the main topic?

    Right! Prodding-I mean, self-motivation.

    So, I get the self part. Blah blah blah, inner peace, blah blah blah, being whole, blah blah blah, the voices in your head saying "Kill! Kill! Banana!" aren''t real, blah blah blah. It''s the motivation part that just doesn''t click.

    You see, the only way I''ve found possible to write chapters is when I''m in mortal peril. Usually dangling over a volcano on a rotting rope, suspended over an acid-pool filled with sharks, or trapped in a cage with a sugar-high toddler. On second thought, the sharks-in-acid one isn''t completely real, it was sharks in lava.

    Where was I again?

    ...

    I can''t remember, and I can''t be bothered to scroll up and re-read what I just wrote, so I''ll just end the rant here.

    Oh! I just realized! Self-motivation is when you write something, start thinking, "Is that really okay?" and start to have doubts like, "Maybe that''ll offend someone...that is probably incorrect...it''s most likely illegal..." and then just being too damn lazy to delete it!

    Ah, I think I have self-motivated myself the whole way through this fiction. Good job me!

    ...now I just need to find out what "appropriate" means.

    -INCOMING ACTUAL NOTE-

    I just remembered that I actually had a reason for putting this note here!

    So I was having a quandary, wondering about what I should sorta drag out. I got thinking, "You know, I get the feeling that five-six chapters of people walking around and talking to each other would be sorta boring," So, I was thinking maybe I should hold a poll, but then just now I realized I already did! So, this note is just to inform you that I''ll be skipping much of the boring stuff, and get right to the blood n'' guts. I don''t know why you''re here, but that''s why I am. :D

    Wait...if I''m here, then who''s writing the chapter...?

    <hr />

    After I left the kings'' throne room, (Still not sure that old guy''s really the king) I was shown a nice room with rich furnishings. I was a bit overwhelmed at first, but luckily my childish mind-which became like that because of the body change, not because I''m naturally immature-let me take the display of wealth in stride. A child''s'' pride is not to be underestimated.

    The bath was huge! I mean, for a regular-sized adult it would be spacious, but for four-foot me, it was like swimming in a large pond. Once I''d gotten all the dirt, grime, blood, and brains off my body and out of my hair, (Which was needlessly long, coming all the way to my shoulder blades) I got out and inspected myself.

    Even I had to admit that I was adorable. The way my hair was cut straight made it look like I was trying to be more of an adult, and my face seemed made to have a serious expression. It wasn''t mine, but it was pretty darn good all the same. On a more serious note, I had two arms. This is as much a surprise to me as it is to...well, I''m the only one here, so I guess it''s just surprising to me.

    I would have to explore the strange regeneration more fully, perhaps do some tests. Did it only happen if I lost a limb? Perhaps it was a spell? There were too many In-constants. I''d just have to try out everything until I got it right.

    I''m gonna need more priests...

    For the first time in forever, I got new clothes. As in, clothes never worn by someone else. What have they been doing all this time? How could no one else have not worn them?

    I grew up in a big family, (Well, big at the start. Sorta shrunk as time went on...) and was the youngest. Plus, I was an outsider. For whatever reason, I never really fit in with my siblings. When I asked the person closest in age, (My brother Feld) he said that there was something...off, about me. Then we played the, "How quiet can you be?" game, with my family''s'' own, personal twist.

    I never got that. Even though I made them uneasy, they didn''t abandon me. Usually, if people thought someone was strange, they were ejected from the village. (If lucky. If unlucky, they were thrown to the bottom of the lake tied to a very large rock)

    My clothes were a soft wool, mostly dyed black in respect for all of the dead. Looking at my pale skin, it fit. Which reminds me, I don''t actually know what color my eyes are. As I went over to the mirror to check...

    I moved to the left, then the right, trying to get the right angle. I waved my hand in front of it, then was about to go tell the king that his mirrors weren''t working. I thought better of it, since, you know, vampire. Be kinda awkward if I was chased out so soon after being welcomed in. I''ll just be going now...

    On my way to the door, I noticed a basket with some funny sticks in it. I pulled one out, and tried giving it an experimental swing. It was covered in cloth, so maybe it was a duster? I found a button on the handle, and decided to push it...

    With a sound not unlike getting hit in the gut, the cloth flared out into a large circle. I started panicking, since I''m guessing I broke it, and I myself am broke, besides this is the kings'' castle, so everything here must be oh so expensive...

    A knock at the door.

    I looked left and right, frantically hoping for a place to stash it that wouldn''t be conspicuous. The bed was too low, the vases were too small, and the window-the window! I might be able to throw it out if I stuff it in. I run for it, but the stupid skirt catches on my foot and I trip. Down I go, as the door opens.

    The author''s narrative has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.

    I turn around to see a solemn maid stepping in. She takes in my fallen-over state, and the broken thingy, but for some reason starts smiling. "I see you''ve freshened up, and even found an Umbrella."

    I looked at the..what was it called? "Um-bre-la" and shook my head vigourously. "It was an accident! There was a button, and it just whoooshed and then broke, please forgive me!"

    She looked confused, then walked over and picked it up, then held down the button and pushed down the cloth. After a moment, it was back to normal. I was about to thank her, but then she pushed the button again and it broke again. She smiled and handed it back saying, "It''s supposed to do that. I take it you''ve never seen one before? That''s not surprising, we got these just a few weeks ago, before all this madness. The Umbrellas'' are to protect from rain, you hold them over your head, see?"

    I took it back and copied her, seeing how it might work. "Oh! That''s so cool! Thank you, what''s your name?"

    She seemed mildly surprised I''d asked, and hesitated in answering. "Elizabeth."

    I thought for a second, then shook my head. "Too long, Liz or Bethy?"

    She opened her mouth, but I shook my head. "Nah, Bethy''s too long too. Liz it is."

    She shut her mouth, and just smiled. She told me about all the things planned, like the week-long celebration/mourning for the victory. It would consist of lots of feasting and other things I wished I were alive to enjoy, so I didn''t pay very close attention. When she was done, she said she''d lead me to the first feast. As we were leaving the door, I got an idea.

    "Hey Liz, can I...keep it?"

    She smiled, nodded, and kept walking. Woohoo! I got a souvenir!

    The feast was long and tedious, lots of people came and thanked me for something, it was very strange. People seemed to have gotten a little confused.

    To them, I was a magican who had singe-handedly repelled the armies that sieged the west gate. They remarked I was quite skilled to have fended off all the undead as well.

    Well, that made sense. A necromancer wouldn''t be the most welcome of guests, would they? Speaking of which, some people seem to have worked that part out, and were looking at me suspiciously. I''d best get out of here as fast as I can.

    While thinking this, someone bumped into me. The person reached out and steadied me, and I was able to get a good look at their face.

    In his late thirties yet already gray haired, a somewhat portly man smiled and asked me if I was alright. I nodded, and was about to be on my way when he asked me, "Have you ever heard of The Tomb of Raphael?"

    I shook my head, and he motioned to a couple of nearby chairs. "Why don''t we sit down, and I''ll tell you a story."

    I had nothing pressing to attend to, so I went ahead and sat down. He went on to tell me a tale...

    Raphael was once a bard, he traveled far and wide, seeing the sights and making a living. One day, however, he came upon the site of a dead paladin. This was a rare occurrence, and one would usually get very far from the site, as anything strong enough to kill one of them would most likely want to destroy at least a city or two. However, Raphaels'' curiosity got the better of him, and he went closer to inspect.

    What he found was that the paladin had had a great big chunk torn out of his chest, and was very dead. Raphael soon found the paladins sword, and gave it a half-hearted swing. After a couple tries, he found he quite liked the feel, so he set out with the paladins sword in hand. On the road he encountered some cutthroats, and was about to run away, when he felt the weight of metal in his hand.

    Raphael walked away from that encounter with all the bandits loot, and kept walking. He was a natural, that much was for sure.

    A couple days later some monsters ambushed him. He was running low on food supplies, so...

    Pretty soon, Raphael discovered that he had become lost, and so went into the forest and cut apart everything in his way. Soon, he started to enjoy the hunt. After a very long while, he got out of the forest. Raphael, with a new-found hobby, went around eliminating everything he saw. The thing is, he had become so lost in his thirst for blood that he had stopped being able to tell the difference from friend or foe, and had killed not a few towns and villages. For three years, Raphael rampaged and slaughtered, becoming only more bloodthirsty as his strength increased. The church attempted to put a stop, but everyone they sent was killed. Soon, they sent a paladin.

    That was the first time two paladins died only two years apart.

    There came a meeting of paladins, twenty-three of the warriors coming together, an unheard of number, They set out to kill the monster that had devoured Raphael, and the resulting battle formed a new lake. Three more paladins died, the rest heavily wounded. Raphael crawled away from that battle, and died soon after. The remaining paladins who had tracked him down buried him in a cave as far from civilization as possible, in the hopes that no one would ever find the sword again.

    "It''s been forty years, and it''s said his sword still lies deep within those caves."

    I wondered about that. If it was me, and I''d found the sword, I wouldn''t tell anyone about it if I found it. I mean, that''s just begging for the church''s attention, right? But, I do want to get out of here, and that sounds kinda fun, exploring a cave...

    "Why are you telling me this? I''m not really the trust-worthy type of person."

    The man smiled, got up, then started walking away. "Consider it repaying a favor. You saved this city. I happen to like this city. I''d help more, but...I don''t think anyone particularly likes my special brand of ''Help.'' (But mostly plot convenience.)"

    I thought about this, wondering if it was a good idea. I could possibly get a sword, which would be fun. Not that I''d be able to use it with this body...meh, I''ll figure it out. It sounds cool, so why the hell not? I''m not doing anything else.

    I found Plain and the Jo''s, then told them we''d be leaving tomorrow. I had no need to sleep, so I just goofed around until barely anyone was left. Then I found the king hiding in a small side room. He greeted me with a smile, and we had a rematch.

    For some reason, I kept losing.

 Chapter 38: Back Into the Woods

    AN: Someone should really take the mind-control cupcakes away from Troll...

    <hr />

    Early the next day, I got up, dressed, took my umbrella, and stepped out into the hallway.

    Once there, I headed out to the courtyard and waited. Plain soon came with the Jo''s, and we set out. On our way out of the city, I stopped by the black tree and took one last look.

    I stopped by the house where I''d sheltered from the intense fight between the priests and the self-proclaimed god, and found a flaming zombie and a frozen one huddling as far from each other as possible. I grinned, shushed them, then went back on the hunt.

    After a while, I found the Tall and his followers, as well as Blacky. Once I made sure they were fine, I told them to follow after me once night had fallen.

    With my tasks finished, we headed out of the city. It was refreshing to not have to wear a hood.

    I''d written down the directions to the tomb, but they were quite vague. They basically said, "In the forest somewhere."

    After walking for half a day, the three guys and me stepped into the forest. I looked up into the tree tops, and felt the bark, taking in the voice and whisper of the forest...

    It disgusted me.

    All this living, breathing muck, that made my life a hell. I was given my last taste of horror here, and now that I had returned, with power...

    When I''m done stripping this forest for everything of worth, I''m going to burn it to the ground. The bark broke under my grip, and I noticed for the first time that I had been unconsciously releasing ice element, freezing the surroundings. Then I got an idea.

    I gathered ice element in my palm, then froze all the sap within the tree. With a sound like thunder, the tree split down the middle, dead as surely as if it had been chopped up and burnt.

    Take burning it, and scratch that. I''ll turn this forest into a frozen hell, so that all the denizens may understand just what I went through. First, I had an old friend to catch up with...

    When the sun was starting to dip beneath the treetops, I finally found the lake in which I had been the ball that was juggled by ogres, bats, a vulture, and a kraken.

    I put a fingertip into the water, and immediately the gigantic octopus-squid-thing rose to the surface and flapped it''s tentacles majestically. I couldn''t possibly freeze the entire lake, not to it''s depths. However, ice floats. In that case, freezing the top, say, fifty-feet should suffice, right?

    I motioned for the guys to step back, and nearly emptied my pool into the lake. Around me, the dirt had split, frozen. My skin was in a similar state.

    This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.

    Then, like the sunlight moving across a canyon floor as the sun rises, the water rippled and froze, becoming solid. The kraken was soon left flailing around, it''s main body trapped in ice and it''s tentacles unable to feel water.

    I hid my face with the umbrella, and looked at the kraken for a good, long half hour.

    It was just an animal. It''s instinct was at fault, not it. Did I really need to kill something like this, just because it pissed me off?

    I thought back to my life. The pain, the beatings, the fate, the luck, the damned inconvenience of it. Through it all, did anyone ever say, "I don''t know...he hasn''t done anything wrong. Is it right to just hurt him?"

    When I cried out for help, did anyone answer?

    When I forged through on my own, and broke everyone''s expectations, finally carving out a life for myself, did people respect me?

    Has god, even once, ever shown that he in any way cares what happens to me?

    No.

    I was alone, always. Never did anyone ask me what I wanted, nor did anyone ever try to be understanding.

    So...why should I?

    I put forth my right hand, envisioning what I wanted. I  created a jagged lance of ice, then hovered it in the air.

    They didn''t take me in. Instead, they abused me. I created another lance.

    She didn''t care for my well-being; she cared about her wallet. I created another lance.

    He just liked hitting me; I can understand, but I won''t. I created another lance.

    She could''ve lived, for me. She didn''t. I created another lance.

    They cared; they were just terrified. I added another lance.

    He could''ve found someone else. He found me. I made another lance.

    They could all have just left me alone, or killed me. They didn''t. Instead, they went out of their way to make my life miserable, and for that, I thank them.

    I doubt I''d be able to kill so easily if not for them. For that, I must express my most sincere, and genuine, thanks. I took the lances, and doubled their number. Then I raised my hand, the swarm of lances pulled tight in my mind, like a dozen arrows lain on a taut string.

    I let them loose.

    "Ice Swarm"

    I kept my face hidden under the umbrella for a long time. When I looked up, night had fallen. I turned to the guys, and gestured for them to follow me.

    Red, Blue, Blacky, and the Tall all followed behind a few hundred feet.

    "Come on, guys. Let''s go defile a tomb."

 Chapter 39: Winter Wonderland

    AN: Troll asked for it.

    So, here it is.

    ...

    I''m so sorry.

    <hr />

    Lichs'' POV

    My fingers brushed past the course bark. My legs took me flying in no particular direction. All around, a maze of spiraling towers all crowned with leaves surrounds me. Life, joy, light. All around, the forest is bursting with the wonders of nature. So much so that if I could still cry, I would.

    It makes me sick.

    I giggle, and take another look around.

    "Ah, I should really stop making that noise. It''s weird. But, well..."

    I lift a hand, and snap my fingers. "...maybe just occasionally. Hehe~"

    The temperature drops, and everywhere I touched, trees become ruptured corpses of themselves. Shards of wood blown off from the force of expanding water would have caused most of the trees to collapse, but something very special was holding it up.

    Clear, crystal ice. Rising like pillars, shattered trees lie entombed within the frozen tombs like a fossil immortalized in stone.

    That''s better.

    I skip happily now, razor-sharp grass bending underneath my feet. It''s funny, but ones'' own mana will go to extreme lengths to avoid harming its'' owner.

    Magic was weird like that.

    I breathed in the sharp, cutting air. No longer did a gentle breeze flow in between the branches like some sort of whispering voices, but rather it hissed through the gaps of frozen water like blood being squirted from between your teeth. And as I breathed in the delicious air, power came too.

    For a moment I simply stood, entranced all at once by the beauty, the wonder, and most of all, the ecstasy of inhaling mana like air.

    I could go drunk on it. I could get lost in it. I could lose my mind, and become but a husk and a soul, separated and alone.

    Well, that is, if I were weak. Luckily, I''m a bit of a bad-ass.

    I continue walking, letting my vase of mana slowly fill up. My cute zambies hungrily took their shares, and I had to give them all a pinch to remind them who''s in charge. Bodies with souls are such a hassle. I passed by a red-horned deer. And gave it a tap as I passed by.

    Ah...mammals are so useless whenever it goes below freezing.

    I left behind a pile of finely-ground deer-ice.

    <hr />

    Rolants'' POV

    For the last...long time, I''d been wondering about what to say. Gratitude, apologies, curses. But, over-arching all of that, was the fear.

    Because what Shess put in my back had woken up.

    And it disliked pretty much everything.

    Beside me, the Jo''s were shivering. They grumbled about how this was supposed to be a lush rainforest, and how they should be scratching giant-mosquito bites instead of goose-bumps. Of course, they weren''t really complaining, as giant-mosquitoes found only in mana-infested areas are always hostile and their venom is almost always fatal.

    But this bitter cold made silence disturbing, so naturally something needed to be said. As always, I''m thankful for my brothers support. Ever since our monastery burned down, I''ve relied on them for a lot. Too much, if I''m being honest. Though they complained about the cold, and I offered quiet agreement, the truth was I didn''t feel a thing.

    I doubt I''d feel much of anything for awhile.

    Meanwhile, there were a bunch of undead following us.

    At first, I wanted to destroy them. As a man of god, undead are my ultimate foe. But as I am now...saying undead are my foe is like saying the sun is the enemy of all plants. Ridiculous. Still, finding out that the little girl who gave us everything is a necromancer, of all things, was a bit of a surprise.

    But now I understand. I heard about what happened at her gate. Rumors of a horde of undead, thousands strong, battling the enemy in an ever-winning battle, where every fallen foe became another tool of their destruction. The truth was more terrifying.

    "I count...two-hundred living corpses, a hundred bone-warriors, and even a couple bone-squires. What the hell are they feeding kids these days..." grumbled Jo. And I share his opinion.

    Bone-Squires are an evolution of high-quality corpses stripped of flesh and enchanted with black-magic. Usually, one in the area means that a huge horde of undead is somewhere close, or someone painstakingly created it. Their individual strength wasn''t something to be feared, they were only slightly physically superior to their lesser counterparts, their threat lay in their intelligence.

    Stolen story; please report.

    Undead are strong, unwavering, and never-tiring. Killing them requires time, strength, and skill. The only good part is that they''re stupid. But Bone-Squires are different.

    They can command their brethren, and give basic instruction. The skeletons below a Squire become hardened, cunning, and loyal. Instead of a large clump of flesh that never grows tired, they''re a group of difficult to kill, never-tiring, and skilled soldiers. From that point, things simply go down hill.

    Which is why whenever something like that appears, the church immediately orders extermination, and purification. But I''m glad it''s here.

    In front of me, a large hole in the side of a mountain disappears into darkness. Outside, Shess is building an igloo.

    "Oh, hey Plain! Come over here and help me, some of these blocks are really big, and I can''t put my arms around them..."

    <hr />

    LIchs'' POV

    Dreams.

    I don''t have them.

    I think they''re a waste of time.

    So why am I in the middle of one right now?

    I''m in a long hallway, devoid of furnishment or decoration. Bare grey walls surround me on all sides. I briefly ponder whether the walls are stone and, like magic, slabs appear and take shape. I think of it like dirt tunnel, and the walls obligingly respond.

    I change it into a sweet-smelling wood, and inhale.

    ...I can smell. Strange, that something I was once so used to would provoke such nostalgia in me. I thought about what carpet feels like, and beneath my toes it appears. And I also realize.

    I''m in my own body. Or it looks like me. And it feels...so...wrong. I picture Shess, and start to walk down the hall.

    I...whatever my name was, I was a weakling. Someone who could only take what was given to me. And I was always given grief.

    I hurried my steps. And my thoughts turned towards the most recent one...

    A door opens to my right, and I peek in.

    Ah. Yes. That''s what it felt like to be torn apart and eaten like a chicken fillet. I''d almost forgotten. I turned away, and kept walking.

    Doors whisked past me as fast as my thoughts, and slowly I got the hang of it. The farther forward I went, the older the memories. Bringing up specific ones would bring certain doors towards me. I don''t know if it was the nostalgia, or perhaps I wanted to test the limits, but I went to the very first memory I had.

    A baby-blue door with a childish handle. Inside...

    ---

    "...why is he so quiet...?"

    "It''s alright, dear. I''m sure it''ll be okay."

    "But what if he''s not able to speak?!"

    "You don''t need words to plant a field. It''ll be okay, darlin."

    ---

    I hadn''t known what they were saying then, of course. It wasn''t until I''d learned how to understand speech that I recalled the memory and slowly analyzed everything everyone had said about me up to this point. This brought another memory to mind...

    A door. Metal, with bars. Rusted. Cracked. Broken.

    Leaking.

    The doorknob had nails driven into it. Something told me this would hurt. I was thankful for the pain.

    ---

    My stomach screamed and my lungs froze. Yet another kick driven into my stomach to keep me from gaining my feet.

    "Oi, come on. If you hit him that hard all at once, we won''t get to keep going for as long."

    "Yeah, yeah, but he was getting up. Creepy little bastard, always staying quiet."

    My brothers continued. I tried to recall a happy memory, to go to my happy place, to think of something uplifting.

    Nothing came to mind.

    My oldest brother came by, holding a jagged piece of wood.

    "Hey, this is boring. And my knuckles are sore, how abo-"

    ---

    I blinked. In front of my, I say a second door, even more broken than the first. But the most defining feature were the black and purple tendrils weaving in between the cracks. I gave on a poke, but it didn''t budge. No matter how hard I pulled, the lock only seemed to grow tighter.

    So...this is what is holding my back. I had a thought.

    I went back to that night, the one where thirteen doves and one demon came together...

    A giant, spiked door. Steel and blackened tendrils sealed the door as if an unspeakable horror lay beyond. It was a seal worthy of a god.

    And if I ever wanted my true power back, that was what I had to get through.

    "...hah...fuck my life..."

 Chapter 40: Thats Not How Youre Supposed To Do It...

    "Ode to my life."</a>

    Song selected by Lich. (One author was harmed in the process)

    <hr />

    Lichs'' POV

    I picked my teeth for no particular reason.

    I mean, blood doesn''t get stuck between them, and I don''t have to eat, so what could I possibly be trying to accomplish?

    Though the finger-bone I''m using tastes surprisingly good...

    "So...what exactly are we doing here?"

    I twisted on the horse-sized rock I had climbed. "Well Plain, I heard from a suspicious middle-aged man that if I came here I''d find something worth my time."

    "...do you speak that way on purpose, or does it just come naturally?"

    "I''ve no idea what you''re talking about. A pure, innocent girl like me would never spout filth on purpose."

    "Ah, I see. Sorry I misunderstood."

    "Of course, since I''m a sarcastic pessimist, I of course say these things on purpose. Though it''s mostly your fault, as your reactions are the only things that make the black void of my heart feel anything."

    "...I can''t tell whether you''re blaming me or thanking me. To be honest everything about you confuses me."

    I hopped of the rock, and gave a ''hup'' as I landed. I flicked the bone from my fingers, and took a step into the dark abyss leading into the mountain. "And that''s how it''ll stay. Come on, I''m gonna explore every inch of this moist cave, and plunder every virgin thing that''s been hidden."

    The Jo''s follow, and Plain mutters, "...you''re doing it again..."

    <hr />

    Still Lichs'' POV

    I walked down the twisting stone hallways, and gave an experimental tug at some hanging moss. It squeaked and retreated into a crevice, and I decided to not follow it.

    At my feet the ripped and partially eaten bodies of arachnids the size of dogs gave the impression of a very arachniphobic tornado. My cute zambies are so energetic...

    Plain held a detached insect leg, and looked sort of disappointed.

    I went over and poked him. "Hey, why do you look so sad?"

    He looked at the leg some more, and then closed his eyes.

    "Do you know the dream of every man, be he orphan, peasant, or prince?"

    "The conquest and subjugation of a lesser being, which can then be extorted until its'' life has been used up, at which point the conquered will be thrown aside like dirt, or disposed of like an insect?"

    "Jicius the Lawful, what kind of childhood did you have?"

    "Huh? Childhood? What''s that?"

    "...never mind, I said nothing..."

    "So, what is the dream of every man?"

    "Just gonna move on I see...well, if we ignore the immensely depressing statement you just made, the wish of every man is to go on an adventure with a loyal friend..." he looked over at the Jo''s, "explore a dungeon filled with danger..." he eyed the dead spiders again, "and perhaps fall in love."

    "...I notice you avoided looking at me. Got something to say, Uncle Fiddles?"

    He groaned. "Yes, firstly, the reason I didn''t look at you is because I was imagining the girl I''d like to be with. Sadly, the only thing I can think about right now is the low possibility that I''ll ever meet someone who would want to talk to me after seeing you, and secondly, the fact that you called me uncle just now makes me want to run far, far away."

    Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on Royal Road.

    "It''s alright, Mr. Unher Aige. They say it''s fine as long as she''s old enough to say no."

    "...no. I''m not continuing this conversation. Nope, I''m walking away now, and repressing every memory that even remotely reminds me of this."

    Huh, he actually walked away. I wonder what I said wrong? Either way, I think I understand his dissatisfaction.

    Raiding a dungeon is entirely too easy with an army of corpses. I gave mental orders to a new group of dead bodies that came carrying large chests filled with treasure. Who knew all you had to do to get rich is kill a couple hundred people?

    ...

    ...Huh, I see why Plain thinks I would discourage people from wanting to associate with me. I''m cynical as all.

    I passed dozens more dead creatures, and raised them to test something.

    True, all the creatures I reanimated followed my commands, but they suffered from the same things that afflicted my other zambies. They were slow, sluggish, and reacted after the fact. In fact, they were even slower that the human dead. Their four-eight legs got caught in each other, and tripped them up. I see why most necromancers prefer humanoid servants.

    Blacky came over while I was watching an undead slime inch-no, more like millimeter-  along the ground. At first I thought it didn''t move at all, and it retained none of its'' poison. It was pretty much a lump of dead...something, that barely moves. I released it from my will, and watched it begin it''s laborious journey over the three inches towards a pool of blood.

    Blacky clacked a little, and pointed down the hallway. I followed his lead, and arrived at a set of doors carved out of bones. I got a couple of my zambies to push the door open, and gave mental commands to a couple of the undead near Plain, to tell him to get his butt over here. The Jo''s came up behind me, and together we looked over the room.

    The statue of some kind of twisted creature, easily four-meters in height, stood hunched against the wall. An ornate golden hilt was planted deep in it''s head, pinning it to the wall. At the creatures'' feet, a throne of bones stood at the top of chipped stairs. Skulls for hand rests and hundreds of ribs made up the back. At first it appeared as if the throne was empty, but then a set of bones started moving.

    The skeleton got up, and donned a robe. It clicked and snapped as it stretched, then raised its'' arms above its'' head.

    "Welcome, to the resting place of Raphael. The Tomb of Bones, or as I like to call it, home."

    My name is Jelkrish, but you would know me better by what I am.

    I''m a Lich.

    And I''m going to kill you.

    Any questions?"

    I''m not even gonna bother saying it...

 Chapter 41: Get Boned

    AN: <b>Spoiler</b> : <input type=''button'' value=''Show'' class=''spoilerButton''>I''m bored and have nothing to do right now.

    I mean, uh, days! Yes, days of hard, difficult, trying work, and lots of...uh...focus! Yes! And, uh, effort! That too! I totally didn''t write this in an hour of spare time after having consumed copious amounts of sugar!

    W-who w-would d-d-do a t-thing l-like that-t-t?!

    And yes, I do have a plan for where this is going.

    Is it good...?

    Does it make sense...?

    Would it make you, the reader, feel satisfied...?

    ...

    Let''s not ask such difficult questions, eh, reader?

    I hope you all realize that this fiction died a long time ago, and Troll is simply kicking its'' corpse. I can hardly call this story a joke anymore.

    Whatever~ I''ll finish this in...three chapters? Yeah, that sounds good. I''ll give it a nice, epic last-showdown.

    OH!!! I JUST THOUGHT OF SOMETHING AMAZING!

    Heh, just kidding. This fiction will die the way it came to life.

    On a whim, with no effort whatsoever.

    And then three years from now I''ll continue it just to screw with you people.

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    I hate myself.

    <hr />

    Jelkrishs'' POV

    There''s a femur digging into my back...a finger-bone is pricking me in the forearm...it''s so boring...why does no one come here...it''s been what...three years since I set up shop?...why has nobody come yet...this dungeon totally gives off an ancient-feel...adventurers should be clambering over each other to get in here, providing me with new and interesting corpses to study...my buddy Jeff totally rakes in the bodies, that egotistic bastard...friggin'' show-off ruining all of the annual lich-unions...you''re not the only one with a dungeon now, jerk-off...why can''t I have intruders every other day...?

    The skeleton shifts in its'' chair, and lets out a sigh. (Even though it doesn''t have lungs)

    *tap-tap*

    It''s not like I''m asking for much...just an intruder or two...they don''t even have to be powerful, all I want is someone to talk to...

    ...I''m so alone...

    In the distance, beyond the perception of man and beast alike, across walls and barriers, the sound of a set of bones collapsing to the floor reaches the skeletons'' ear. (Metaphorically)

    My finger freezes, no longer tapping the skull that serves as a hand-rest. I strain my senses, and extend my Dungeon-presence.

    This book is hosted on another platform. Read the official version and support the author''s work.

    Yes...three living beings. Though, two of them seem to be infected with newborn elementals. The third one...

    ...nah, I was mistaken. Only two living. I prepare to order my undead minions to converge and wipe out this puny force, and-

    In a ring around the two, my minions'' presence vanish. Neither of the two presences had moved. What-

    In an expanded ring, my minions vanish. Then one after another, they fall. I can no longer keep track of how many have been destroyed, like dominoes falling one-after-another.

    56...74...132...243...346...

    Gone. Like that.

    *Rattle-rattle*

    My bones...they''re shaking...is this...

    ...what fear feels like?

    I''m shaking. My body is trembling and twitching without my will. I feel something...no. I abandoned feeling long ago. What I''m feeling is a memory.

    What was it? How do I interpret this? I can almost feel it, it''s on the tip of my tongue...(Not literally)

    The last of my minions vanishes, and I raise my Dungeon-Presence upwards, and look down on my abode. Before, I thought I was alone.

    But now the dungeon is empty. Everything living and unliving under my control has perished. I am the sole being besides the two outside my door that has any semblance of life.

    The only conscious being, in this massive hole. Nothing but two things outside my door.

    This feeling...

    The doors open, and I see the creatures that strolled into my home, and killed everything inside within an hour.

    This is...

    ...excitement?

    The doors open wide, and two men along with a small girl walk inside. Funny, I thought there were only two. Guess I wasn''t mistaken after all.

    The three look around, and slowly a feeling of confusion fills the room. For several seconds, nothing happens. I begin to wonder what''s going on, when I raise my hand to get their attention-

    SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTT!

    I forgot to put my robe on!!! Oh fuck! Oh fuck! I was so caught up in watching their progress that I forgot to make preparations for their arrival! Shiiiiiiiit!

    Calm down. They didn''t notice me. Once they turn around, I''ll whip my robe on and pretend like I just appeared-Why is the girl looking straight at me!!!!??!?!?

    Fuck! Now what do I do? I can''t pretend like I''m not here anymore, but if I stand up, they''ll think it''s weird that I''m not wearing anything, right!? So how do I fix this?

    Goddammit, Jelkrish, think! Use that non-existent brain to think of something!

    I could cast a fire and water element spell together, and make a smoke screen, but that would be kinda lame for just a lich...

    I could pretend that I''m my own servant...yeah, that''s a good idea. I can boost my own reputation without it seeming like I''m boasting...ah! But what if they recognize my voice when I''m being myself? What''ll I tell them then? Damn, guess that won''t work.

    Fuck! What''ll I do? What''ll I say? How will I...

    ...hah. I give up. I''ll just pretend nothing happened. *sigh* (but, not really, cause, you know?)

    I stand up, and put my robe on, then deliver the lines I''ve been practicing in the reflection of the sword behind me for the last three years.

    "Welcome, to the resting place of Raphael. The Tomb of Bones, or as I like to call it, home."

    My name is Jelkrish, but you would know me better by what I am.

    I''m a Lich.

    And I''m going to kill you.

    Any questions?"

    PLEASE DON''T!!!!!!

    <hr />

    Lichs'' POV

    ...

    "Yeah, just one. Can I have that sword behind you?"

    "...no?"

    "Hmm...well, that''s a problem. So what you''re saying is that, if I don''t kill you, I can''t take the sword?"

    "...Yes. Wait, no...Yes. Can I change my answer?"

    "Hmm...how about, you die? Hehe~"

    "Ice Swarm."

    Dozens of meter-long icicles hissed up the steps and towards Jelkrish. His teeth clacked together, and he raised his left hand.

    "Bone-Cage."

    The hundreds of flesh-cleaned corpses trembled, and with the sound of a hundred objects scraping against stone, the fallen bones erected huge claw-shaped spires that surrounded Jelkrish, and deflected my spell. Behind the monolith of bone, the sound of teeth clicking together repeatedly sounded.

    "Am I perhaps in the presence of an amateur? No true combat-mage would open up with such an easily countered and costly move. Or maybe you are more powerful than I can imagine, and a little spell like this was nothing to you?"

    I tilt my head. Then I open my mouth. "Actually, you''re the first person who''s tried to block my spells. Before, they''d either dodge them, or be frozen. I think this is the first time I''m seeing a spell used against another spell."

    The sound of teeth clicking sounded again. Must be how he laughs. "It seems you know nothing of a real magicans fight.

    Allow me to educate you."

    "Dead Battlefield."

    The room darkened by several shades, and the torches began to sputter as if on the verge of going out. Purple maisma began to filter up from beneath the floor, and the bone-towers dispersed, revealing a grinning Lich with a raised right hand full of dark energy. He started walking down the steps, bones trembling as he neared them.

    "Do you feel it? The oppressive darkness? Can you see the dead shake at my presence? And a better question, do you know what this means? Because if you don''t, I''ll enlighten you.

    I''m a Lich. I am unlike you mortals who must live in fear of death each and every day. Do you know why?

    Because I have mastered Death, and made it my home, my work...

    And most importantly, my weapon. Try not to die in the next ten seconds, I''ve got a lot of steam to blow after three years."

    The red pinpricks within Jelkrishs'' eyes sharpened to points, and he pointed a single bone finger towards me.

    "Rise, Dead Company."

    Bones flew from behind him, and lined themselves up in organized ranks. A sound like a two-hundred people jumping at once sounded as the collection of bodies became their original shapes. Red began to glow deep within every skull, and a black mist surrounded them.

    When the mist cleared, 250 skeletons stood before me, armed with double-edged swords or scimitars, arrayed with a variety of bucklers and tower-shields, and a collection of breastplates, helmets, greaves, and gauntlets. As one, the skeleton soldiers raised their weapons, and from the dark abyss from whence they came arose a deathly howl.

    The undead awaited their masters'' orders with a silence that belayed the previous ear-breaking screech. Nothing but the quiet sputtering of torches remained. From among the ranks of undead, the sound of teeth clicking echoed.

    "Attack."

    Meanwhile, I attempted to not freak out. But, I''m used to failing at things, so I didn''t put forth much effort.

    I had maybe twenty zambies that will reach me before I''m drowned in this flood of armored, shielded, properly equipped, tall, sexy, freaking stupid skeletons.

    Why can''t I put armor on mine...?

    As I felt saddened, a couple of my zambies came to stand in front of me. And they had armor on.

    I pondered this new development, and started to think maybe god didn''t hate me. Then I noticed that the miasma coming up from the floor was swirling around both my, and Jelkrishs'' undead. In other words...

    Any undead that come into this room will be armed with weapons. Meanwhile, any spell I use will probably not do much to all of these skeletons. I should delay until more of my undead can arrive. I reach out a hand to a nearby zombie with a horned helmet and axe, and throw a look at the Jo''s.

    "Hey Jo, wanna know what happens when I put 90% of my mana pool into one zombie?"

    ""No, please Lich, no!""

    I grin. "Me too."

    <hr />

    AN: Heyo~It''s me, the author of this abomination~

    I bet you thought I was gonna put the whole battle in one chapter, right?

    Wrong.

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    But, come on. Jelkrish is the final boss, gotta give im'' the spect'' ee'' deserves.

    Well, that, and I''ve sorta gotten a little attached to im'' while not writing. It''s an author thing.

    (That, and it''s late, I''m sleepy, and I think the chapter is long enough to post.)

    Let''s see, that about sums it up! I hope you like the cliff-hanger. It''s become a habit of mine, though I don''t know where it started...

    Meh, as I say, ''if you make bad habits, keep em''! They''ll piss everyone off!''

    <hr />

    I think, as this fiction goes on, I''m slowly becoming more and more sadistic...

    ...hmm, I think I like the change.

 Chapter 42: I Dunno, Explosions?

    BOOM!

    SEE THE RAINBOW, TASTE THE RAINBOW, SNORT THE CO-

    Ahem, right.

    Here''s the chappy~

    I''m so done with myself...

    <hr />

    Lichs'' POV

    "Heh, heh, heh."

    "Please, think about this! I have a long life ahead of myself!"

    "Pft, don''t be silly, Jo. You know that thing I did with the thinga-majig, where I put the who-sit in your what-sit? I penetrated your body so hard, I took forty years off your lifespan. You won''t make it past thirty."

    "...as horrible as that is, I think I''d be able to bear it except for one thing-you make it sound like rape."

    "Hm? But I got consent from you, so-"

    "-Be that as it may, I''d prefer if you didn''t over-sexualize your own actions, thank you very much."

    "...nah. Too much fun. Plus, if I didn''t say all of these vulgar things, I''d probably turn into a fucking child. You know how much I hate children? Those little shits should all just die in childbirth, along with their bitch-excuses for mothers."

    "...I''ve never heard that from you, and it seems like you have quite a bit of pent-up emotion. Do you want to talk about it?"

    "No! I just feel that kids with their ability to isolate and taunt another individual with cruel efficiency is one of gods'' most effective ways of fucking with people, and that just maybe I do want to play with the other kids! Those fucks!"

    "...I see...you do know we were all children at one point, and you happen to be, in literal fact, a child?"

    ""Fuck your logic! I make zombies and shit! Now, go stand in front of me. I don''t want to get hurt."

    "...what about me...?"

    "Expendable."

    "I see..."

    Let''s see, the zambie may be staring at me with cold, lifeless eyes, full of accusation and denunciation, but since when has a little guilt stopped me?

    Besides.

    I''m a little excited. <3

    5%.

    A good bit of change. It grew a full foot, a black aura began to exude from its'' body, concealing the newly-grown muscle and spiked plates that seemed forged directly into its'' body. Its'' axe, which used to be a relatively humble, one-sided affair, had developed into a lovely double-bladed murder-weapon, consisting of a four-foot steel rod with a spiked tip, and two magnificent twisted crescents forming the battle-axe. The horns on its'' helmet had grown larger and begun to point forward, While the helmet itself had become a full-face, with a depiction of a skull on the front.

    Hmm...I think that was more description than both of the Jo''s got put together.

    "Hey!"

    10%

    Not much change. The aura grew again by half, but other than an extended hiss, the zambie made no motion.

    Well, life is short. YOLO.

    90%

    The helmet began to crumple, then half of it snapped off, leaving a jagged half-helmet with one horn. One of the axe blades snapped off, its'' body began to convulse, and its'' veins began to emerge onto the surface of its'' body. Bright blue lines in contrast of the aura sprung up all across its'' body, and it began to shake.

    Not like the Twitchy''s, but more like a rabid animal.

    Well, the fake me has gotten their army pretty close. Just twenty more steps. I gave my zambie a pat on the shoulder.

    Go! Main-character deus ex machina bullshit!

    "Alright, Sprinkles. Knock''em dead."

    "Why did you name it..."

    "Because, Jo, the author got tired of referring to Sprinkles as ''it.'' Dumbass."

    "I get the feeling you''re getting more sadistic as the writer gets more tired of this story."

    "That, is called the butterfly effect. Maybe. Fuck your mom."

    "Yep, definitely more. So, what do we do if Sprinkles falls over and does nothing?"

    "...I don''t like contemplating my own death."

    "I see. I''ll go and pray now."

    "Alright, if you get tired of sucking off god, you can go get Plain."

    "Will do."

    I gave Sprinkles a pat on the butt, which happened to be at eye-level. (Internal sobbing) I''ll definitely grow taller eventually, right?

    Right?

    Molest my life...

    Sprinkles shot off like the bullet in a gun you put in your mouth, and arrived in front of the two-hundred-fifty skeletons. Before they so much as looked up into the half-metal, half-rotting-corpse face, Sprinkles had his axe pulled behind his back while twisting his body.

    He untwisted, and swung the axe.

    The axe was, admittedly, rather dull. So, instead of cutting the five skeletons it hit, they all just flew into the air. I started applauding.

    Sprinkles kicked off the ground, leaping into the middle of the army and shoulder-bashing two more skeletons. As the fell over, Sprinkles turned the axe held at his waist, and swung in a horizontal arc. Once again, skeletons flew into the air, with the greatest of ease.

    In the back of the army, a pedestal of bones formed, and the fake me climbed up it. He yelled over to me,

    "Hey! No fair, bringing a Cursed Berserker! Even I don''t have one..."

    I fold my arms, and hmph. "Puh, the only people who make rules when they''re losing are sore losers. I didn''t think a Dungeon Boss would be so petty."

    Sprinkles continued playing around, even once biting off a head, helmet included. Jelkrish made a fist, and growled. "Gr, I''ll have you know I''ve been here for longer than you''ve been alive, brat!"

    My mouth cramped. "Oh, really? And in that time, you only got retarded hunchbacks and shit-magicans to challenge you?"

    "Shit-Magicans are quite powerful, I''ll have you know! And no, I didn''t...get...any........intruders........"

    The silence was filled with the crunch of metal, and a very happy zambie laughing(roaring).

    You could be reading stolen content. Head to Royal Road for the genuine story.

    "..."

    "What? You''re not gonna make fun of me? You didn''t strike me as such a decent ki-"

    "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!"

    "S-stop, l-laughing, Lich, it-s PFT, its, not, poli-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!"

    "...it''s not tha-

    "HAHA YOU DIDN''T GET ANYONE HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

    "I, I''m s-so sorry, haha, It''s just, you-ha!-I can''t resist-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

    Sprinkles and the skeleton army were long forgotten, meanwhile fake me was sulking. Strange, a skeleton that sulks.

    Though, I am a seventeen-year-old in a childs'' undead-body, with serious depression issues and three guys who follow me around...maybe I should be more understanding of others...?

    Sometimes, I surprise myself at how sarcastic I can be. lol.

    "LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL"

    "ROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFL"

    "LMAOLMAOLMAOLMAOLMAOLMAOLMAOLMAOFUCKYOURMOMLMAO"

    "BRBBRBBRBBRBBRBBRBBRBBRBBRBBRBBRBBRBBRBBRBBRB"

    "COME ON! That last one isn''t even an acronym for laughter! At least try and mock with some dignity, okay?"

    "I would, but I''m currently tearing up. Even though I don''t have tears, I''m still too dizzy to stand."

    "Come on, Lich. I think that was enough, right? Even if he was never invaded before."

    fake me arched his back, as if delivered a blow. I laughed, and gave a reply. "Yeah, I wouldn''t want to hurt the guys feelings or anything, he''s probably already really fragile since nobody cares about him."

    fake me bent over, holding where his stomach should be.

    "I''m impressed, Lich. I thought you were getting rather unlikable, but you''re still considerete to sad, lonely old  men."

    fake me snapped their head back, as if delivered an uppercut. I raised my arms, and shrugged. "What can I say?

    I don''t have the heart to rub salt in a deep, festering wound of loneliness, shame, and self-pity. For guys like him, the only way he could hurt more is if he killed himself. But since he''s already dead, I guess things couldn''t get worse for him!"

    "Oh my, that''s so true!"

    "Isn''t it, ho-ho-ho~"

    "As you say~hahaha~"

    fake me was on his knees, silent phantom-sobs wracking his body. Within the skeleton army, things were coming to a close.

    As expected, Sprinkles couldn''t beat such overwhelming numbers.

    Various weaponry impaled his body, enough that a squad of twenty could be fully equipped with just the things stuck in his torso. The was even a shield impaled into his arm. How the skeletons managed that, I''ll never know. For a simple reason.

    The skeletons were crawling over Sprinkles like ants, hacking and stabbing and ripping off chunks of flesh, all while Sprinkles howled and shook. The blue veins running through his body had expanded, and were pulsing.

    The light grew, then faded, then grew brighter, the faded. Finally, the light turned from blue to a pale blue, then to almost white, and then-

    Oh, my, I didn''t know people had so much inside of them!

    Course'', it''s all outside, now. Oh, and none of the skeletons were moving. A couple were twitching, but they probably wouldn''t get up.

    "NOOOO! SPRINKLES! You actually became confetti! You''re a traitor to your name!"

    "...uh, Lich, there is so much, wrong with your priorities. Just thought I''d point them out."

    "Heh~heh~nobody gives a fuck about your opinion, Jo~"

    "Ah, I see."

    "You..."

    I looked over at fake me. "Yeah?"

    Glowing red light in the eye-sockets of a skull rose to meet me.

    "You''re a monster.

    Take the fucking sword, just, please...

    leave here ASAP. I need to contemplate unlife, and what I can use in place of a rope, since I no longer possess a neck."

    I smile, and give a v for victory. "Sure thing, failure~! I''ll cheer for you~"

    "Guh...."

    I stride happily over to the steps. The Jo that didn''t run off to get Plain remains next to me. I give him a wave, and proceed alone up the steps.

    As I approached the statue of a monster, I used the bit of mana I''d regenerated while bullyin-giving criticism to fake me to make stairs of ice. I reached up for the golden hilt, and reached forward a hand.

    As I touched it, the metal disintegrated, and golden dust fell to the floor.

    "...eh?"

    I...I came so far...for this stupid sword...and it breaks?

    "Bullshit!"

    I wave over Jo. He starts running up the steps toward me, and I sigh. Behind me, the sound of stone cracking echoes through the room. I turn around, to see Jo jumping in front of me.

    Then Jo is replaced by a massive, clawed fist. Rock drops off of the knuckles. I slowly follow the arm up to the head, to find a box-like face, with two tusks, fangs, a large nose, and beady eyes. Yellow irises, and horns like a ram covering his temples.

    The mouth opens, and the jaw moves from side to side. A deep, gravely voice reverberates through my bones.

    "It has been...a long time."

    His eyes look at me.

    "Now, be a good little girl...

    And die."

    <hr />

    AN: Just kidding~ Jelkrish wasn''t the final boss, Teehee~

 Chapter 43: Murder is Illegal, But so is Trespassing

    AN: <b>Spoiler</b> : <input type=''button'' value=''Show'' class=''spoilerButton''>It''s here.

    The last chapter.

    I''ve procrastinated. I''ve delayed. Deleted drafts by accident and in fits of frustration. I''ve re-thought every aspect multiple times, leading to inconsistencies in the characters, I''ve forgotten rules I myself made. I''ve maed enugh gramer mikstakes to mkae an grewn men cri. I''ve stared at the ceiling in the dark, laughing and holding my head, just thinking.

    Many times over this period, I''ve sat down, opened a new thread, and then got...distracted. Or I accidentally closed the window, and lost all my progress, or I thought about all of the ways I contradicted myself, and slowly fell into an even deeper pit of depression than even Lich.

    I can safely say I never cried. Mostly because writing down situations of misery either serves to amuse me or give the filthy pleasure of seeing someone else in pain, but also because this story was never close to my heart.

    Well, I mean, A dead loli-vampire with a high tolerance for pain......no! Bad Darkness! Don''t let the reader see your fet-uh, heart!

    Right...let''s just get this over with, okay?

    I mean, there will be the epilogue, in which I shall explain a couple things to do with Lich, like why the world hates him, why he has trouble remembering stuff, how I lied about his whole childhood, what the voices in his head are, and maybe provide a teaser as to what I would have written, if I were a better writer.

    As if that''ll ever happen.

    And, of course, the afterword. Just to give my thoughts, just in case, you know. Someone cares about my opinion.

    ...sorry, having a really hard time not typing LOL in all caps over and over right now.

    Why did RRL ever give someone like me the font-size tool?

    Ah...a good song</a>, for an ending.

    And a troll. :3

    Because, when it comes down to it, that green bastard is the only reason I''m finishing this. I love you, I hate you, and so, a tribute.

    For a friend that has stayed with me for far too long to be healthy.

    <hr />

    "Die."

    I saw a fist as large as me heading towards me, so I did the normal thing.

    "Fuck my li-"

    Flying back, up was left, side was down, and right was...still right. Somehow?

    I learned some new things from this experience...first, getting punched doesn''t hurt much.

    Huh. Who''d a thunk it?

    Second, vampires get dizzy too. I guess being dead didi''t affect your sense of balance very much. And third, there is actually a way to have every bone in your body get broken. Huh. This should probably hurt. I find it funny how I can get dizzy, yet having the whole structure of my body destroyed didn''t do much except make it hard to get up. Sharp, white-things kept poking through the skin.

    The grand doors to the final room opened, and Plain strode in. At his side, Jo, and an army of several hundred zambies. Giants made of bone and flesh, skeletal horses ridden by equally bony riders, and a horde of flesh-hungry monsters.

    They''re so beautiful I''m gonna cry~

    Plain cracked his knuckles, threw the giant red demon a look, and spoke casually.

    "I''m a little late to the party. Guess I''ll have to make up for it with enthusiasm." After delivering these totally lame lines, he looked over at me. "Give me a minute, Lich." His smile was like the morning. "I''ll just take out the trash."

    How was it like the morning? Well, it was far too bright, made me irritated, and made me want to hide my face.

    He and the accompanying army charged towards the laughing devil, who easily pulled himself out of a rock cocoon, and stepped forward. He raised one leg, then stomped on the ground.

    Oh hey, all the zambies diad, Jo was thrown back out the doors, and plain was smashed into the wall and bounced off. Blood started forming in a pool around him. I wanted to get up, to summon more dead, to do something.

    But my bones wouldn''t listen to me.

    Like pushing worms back into the mud in the rain. They just spring up like daisies...

    Speaking of daisies, fake me had apparently stopped being a little bi-uh, depressed, and noticed his job just got taken.

    "Uh...what? Who are you?"

    Raphael turned, and looked towards fake me. "Hm? A little skeleton? What are you doing in my resting place?"

    fake me just sat there, the robe covering his hunched form. He tilted his head. "Me? Oh, nothing much. Who''re you?"

    fake me sounded so...polite. It felt, weird. Didn''t really fit in with fake me''s character.

    Raphael laughed. It shook the cave. "Me? I am Raphael! Wielder of the cursed blade! Destroyer of cities, and killer of paladins...but, it is good manners to ask for someones'' name. Well, I''ll kill you now, so not like it matters. You have intruded on My home. I won''t let you live."

    fake me knelt for several seconds, and Raphaels'' breathing, the groans of Jo, and my futile attempts to keep my bones inside became painfully noisy.

    fake me didn''t say anything for several moments. After what felt like hours, he stood up.

    His robe hung loosely across his ribcage, and barely covered his shoulders. His head tilted back, and stared at the ceiling. His jaw hung open, and the empty space surrounding his bones and inside of his body served to make him look small, tiny, weak, even.

    A sound began to echo out from that hollow chest. Fleshless shoulders shook, and the sound of teeth clicking quickened, until it seemed like he was shivering. I remember what that means...

    He''s laughing.

    "Excuse me. I had to release a bit of my amusement. Isn''t it funny?"

    "You see, I think I''ve finally realized something. It''s something simple, and I can''t help but feel bad about never seeing it before."

    "I think, after all these years, I''ve finally found out just why the dead hate the living so much."

    "You know, I''m a friendly guy. I try my best to be nice, to give people a chance. I don''t particularly like responsibility, and taking care of people pains me just as much as other people. But, if the task is given me, I''ll accomplish it. You know what one of my friends once told me, when I said this to her?"

    Raphael, stretched a bit, but didn''t seem to be paying attention.

    ""Why?""

    "...and I asked her, "Why do you ask why?"

    "She said, "But there''s nothing forcing you too. Why not just not do it?""

    "Frankly, that kind of thinking baffled me. Isn''t what I said simple, common decency? Isn''t doing what you''re told, performing your duty to your best ability, helping who you can, just what everyone does?"

    "I must confess something."

    "I''m a bit of a loner. I spent my whole life deep in a library, immersed in spells and knowledge. But life itself wasn''t enough, so I made death a state of being. I''m one of less than thirty to ever accomplish this. And you know what kind of reward I gained from this?"

    "Nothing."

    "I speak like a civilized person. You who are still bound by mortality insult me, me! I who have made forbidden and rare knowledge into an art, I that has turned simple spells into pieces of the apocalypse."

    "I know now. Why life is like this. Why the dead seek to destroy the living. Why death is such a silly thing for you. How you can stand before me, who has one foot in immortality."

    "Do you wanna know?"

    Raphael yawned.

    Jelkrish lowered his head, until he could look into the swirling pupils of the demon before him. His jaw opened once more.

    This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.

    "You''re all assholes."

    He raised a hand, and darkness began gathering within it.

    "Wanna know what you do with assholes? It''s simple, really."

    A ball of blackness so deep, it glowed.

    "You fuck them."

    "Until they bleed."

    <hr />

    Jelkrishs'' POV

    With my right hand open in a mocking gesture, and in my left a densely packed ball of dark element, I let myself revel.

    Revel in what, I ask myself?

    The pain.

    I hate them. I hate all of them. I hate the living, I hate the bastards that insulted me, I hate the ground they step on, I hate the air they breathe, I hate the sound of their voice, I hate their existence.

    I, a being immune to agony and suffering, and hurting. Why does it hurt? Simple.

    I hate them so much it hurts.

    I smiled over at the wannabe Lich, and gave a mocking tone to my voice. "Here, let me show you what a real necromancer can do." I then turned back to Raphael.

    "Hey, Raft or whatever, do you know who I am?"

    "Haha, can''t say I do, puny Lich."

    I smiled. I gritted my teeth. I let myself hurt until the pain stopped hurting. Instead, it became something else.

    "I''m Jelkrish, motherfucker."

    "Dark Cleaving Blade"

    For a second, Raphael didn''t move. Then the top half slowly started to slide off.

    Raphael looked down incredulously at his own body slowly separating. Then he smiled.

    "Looks like I''ll get to have some fun." ropes of flesh formed between his sliced halves, and dragged them back together, regenerating. "I may be greatly weakened from my stasis, but your power is quite impressive. However, to have used your trump card at the start, you must be desperate."

    I...I...I...I feel like laughing.

    Trump card?

    I''m just getting started!

    "Black Rod." (I swear I don''t mean anything by it...)

    Raphael was still smiling when his left eye became a hole straight through his head. A trail of dark mist gave testament to the highly accelerated concentrated sharpened element. Raphael stopped smiling.

    ROOOAAAhHH!

    The arrogant prick stumbled back, cradling his head. After a couple seconds, he uncovered his eye to glare at me. A quickly regenerating eyeball stared at me. So, since he asked for it, I gave him what he wanted.

    "Black Rod." X2 This time I got both his eyes, simultaneously.

    "AAAAAAHHHHHH!

    Raphael screamed towards the sky. A second ago, he had looked like a demon pulled from a painting. Now he was just a comedy skit.

    "Endless Rend"

    A large part of the element in my hand dispersed into the air, slowly surrounding Raphael in a sphere of balls of darkness. The balls turned into long arms, clawed hands at the end. They approached Raphael, then tore through him, tearing holes into every part of his body.

    For three minutes, the rending continued. I''d make it go longer, but Raphael had stopped screaming thirty seconds ago.

    I want to make him squeal.

    Like a pig with its'' balls cut off.

    Raphael slowly got to his feet, bleeding from every limb. The demons'' broken body was holey enough to reach heaven. Heh.

    I gave him a second to catch his breath. He can''t scream if his lungs are empty.

    After healing from all of the wounds, Raphael yelled in rage.

    "YOU DARE MOCK ME! I AM-"

    "Bone Giant: Arms"

    The thousands of bones formed skeletal arms, each as thick as Raphael himself, and twice as long. I mimed grabbing two things in front of myself, and the arms followed, grabbing both of Raphaels'' legs. I then set them on auto, and let them start to pull the giant red demon apart. His screams were very interesting, full of rage and denial.

    "Yes, yes, I heard you a moment ago. But, so what?"

    ""Destroyer of Cities."

    Please. I can turn a countries'' population into my bloodthirsty-slaves. A couple of cities is a bit weak, don''t you think?"

    I repeated the skeleton giants'' spell, summoning two more arms. I put these perpendicular to the first, and grasped hold of his flailing arms. I set them to pulling. Ah, the gratification that comes with screams full of insulted dignity and hurt pride.

    "I-I''LL KI-"

    I started directing the arms to spin in opposite directions, while still pulling on all four limbs. The sound of dislocation, breaking, and yelping screams felt like a symphony.

    "Oh, right, you killed a couple Paladins, right? Now, that would be impressive, except-

    Don''t you know? The strongest Paladin hasn''t even broken the first Horizon. It''s because they''re held back by something neither of us would understand-their humanity. Any pitiful being that still clings to that worthless trash is forever cursed to remain garbage, to be stepped on by their betters.

    You yourself have only barely elevated from the first level, so don''t get so cocky."

    I repeated the Skeleton Giants'' spell once more, summoning another set of skeletal arms, this time with on in the middle of the other four, making an x, and the final one on the ceiling.

    As Raphael was upside-down, the arm below him wrapped its'' fingers around his head, slightly muffling his screams. I decided to deal with it, because even muffled screams held their own charm. Meanwhile, the arm on the ceiling grabbed the other head.

    I began rotating the arms themselves, twisting and snapping his neck, tearing flesh, ripping his limbs off, while the one on the ceiling grabbed hold and, with a pull, ripped off a mans'' most precious possession.

    "EIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!"

    Ah...that''s it. That''s what I was waiting for. I let his suffering wash over me, envelop me in a warm cocoon of pleasure. As I slowly came down from my high, a torn, bleeding, shaking demon greeted me. In pieces. I opened my jaw once more.

    "Am, finally, you got something else fundamentally wrong.

    You said this is your resting place? Wrong.

    This is my house.

    I don''t need ball-less pigs in here, so go to hell. And when you meet the devil, tell him to stay the fuck out of my home."

    "Eternal Devourer"

    A dark void slowly ate Raphaels'' body until nothing remained. I sighed, and went back to my throne. The back was half destroyed, and it''d take me months to find the right bones to fix it. I''d actually had some fun there, and after feeling at my mana pool, I''d used a whole tenth of it!

    Really, I shouldn''t be so wasteful.

    Looking over the four who had intruded on me, I had to smile. I had had my fill of stress-relief for the day, so I felt quite merciful. I''d wanted to talk with them to start with, so this was good.

    "Now, what''ll I do with you? Well, to start off with, how about I re-introduce myself.

    "I''m Jelkrish, a Lich. The Depressed Necromancer, is what my friends call me, but you can start by calling me master."

    "Any questions?"

    <hr />

    TROLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

    Jelkrish wasn''t the final boss, he was the main character. Eat it, Troll.

    Ah...I''m gonna go contemplate ways of killing myself while lying on my bed in the dark for a while. Goodnight~

 Epilogue: A Schizophrenics Dream

    AN: So, it''s the epilogue. Some things to warn you about.

    I lied. XD basically, the prologue was actually a way of misdirecting you. If you really want to know how everything lines up, you can open the prologue in another tab and compare events...or not. Anyway, 18+ warning.

    This one is FUCKED, UP. I think it''s the first time I''ve included anything remotely close to sex, except I skipped a lot of steps...

    I mean, I really outdid myself. I''ve actually had the first draft written since chapter 20-something, but I didn''t use it until now. And then, guess what?

    I lost all my progress half-way through writing the real thing, so I rewrote it again.

    Just let that sink in, that I''ve written this whole thing three times.

    Now, the music I listened to while writing this, and one of my favorite songs by one of my favorite artists.

    "All the best people are crazy."</a>

    Indeed...

    Oh, right click and loop is really helpful. ;)

    WARNING: MAJORLY FUCKED-UP SCENARIO INCOMING, IF YOU DISLIKE PATRICIDE, MATRICIDE, PARRICIDE, SORORICIDE, RAPE, LOLIS, INCEST, NARCISSISM, BESTIALITY, GROPING, OR VIOLENCE,

    Honestly, how''d you even make it this far? Also, this contains all of the above. And more.

    Enjoy. ^^

    <hr />

    Lichs'' POV

    Ah...I''m back in here.

    After Jelkrish had brutally visected Raphael, he''d set aside a couple rooms and let the Jos'' attempt to heal themselves and Plain. Poor guy, he arrived late, came in, delivered his lines, then got owned the next moment.

    As for the fight afterward...well, I think I gained a new understanding of the phrase "curb stomp."

    And now, after drinking a bunch of Raphaels'' blood, I felt much better. Hey, it was just laying there. He obviously didn''t need it anymore. And...Jelkrish said he enjoyed watching me lick the floor. Hah, even though he''s dead, he''s still an old man. My body would take a while to heal, so I''d sat down for a while. I''d turned eighteen two days ago, but I didn''t want to tell the Jo''s and Plain since they wouldn''t believe me...while I was thinking of how to convince them I wasn''t a child,  mana-exhaustion had knocked me out.

    Locked doors flanked me on either side, while a long hall extended before me. I took a brief look behind, and saw a large door surrounded by bones. They were dripping with blood.

    Well. Glad to see even my brain is a bit of a nut when it comes to gore.

    I set off walking. I passed paintings filled with frozen trees, a vase depicting a solid lake with tentacles extending from the surface. A carpet filled with living and dead soldiers, in a long line of death. From where I started, at the end, a large amount of dead soldiers sat around a lonely girl. As I continued, the dead came back to life, and eventually, there were no dead men anymore.

    I looked up, and saw a picture of a game board, a king playing with a monster. As I continued, I slowly realized something. As I reached a small bowl, I reached inside and took some of the fruit. The bowl had a simple drawing of a tree, yet roots extended out, up the ceiling, around the paintings, sometimes even invading them and altering the image.

    I dropped the fruit, and kept going. Eventually, I reached a large wall-painting. Three men knelt, like prisoners at the chopping block, while the monster impaled them with four spikes. Three were of ice, but the forth...the image had been scratched out, like someone had hacked at the paint with a knife.

    I looked a little back, to see a few small figurines set up. A majestic Paladin was leaning down, letting the devil speak an engels'' words into his ear. I went back, and picked up the small figurine of the paladin. A name came to mind.

    Trespin. What''s that? Not a person, a place. Meh, I don''t know where, so whatever. I continued down the hallway.

    Ah...that door. The one crawling with tentacles, and full of spikes. A root had come near, yet it had withered. Strange. I ignored the padlocked-door, and continued.

    And then...i entered a room.

    It was a strange room, one that was divided in two. On the right, wo/man with tie-dyed clothing was happily eating lettuce, with very humble chair, a few wall decorations, and a half-table. the other half was missing, along with the other half-room. In its'' place, a dark abyss with a single object gently floating and spinning was all I could see. The bow was black like a beetles'' shell, yet glowing chasms made it seem as if it were filled with magma to the bursting point, while thorns adorned its'' length. A single red thread completed the image.

    I looked from one side to another, confused. Transy sipped some tea, then waved. A wooden stool appeared between the two sides.

    "Why don''t you have a seat?"

    I walked towards the stool, and sat down. Then sighed.

    "I''m totally insane, huh?"

    Transy smiled. "Completely. Though, me and senior over there aren''t delusions, I''ll have you know."

    I nodded. "Right, right. So, what are you?"

    "Demons, summoned and then dominated by you, then forced into the two rings you now wear."

    I held up my hands. Sure enough, a ring decorated both of my hands. I barely notice them, since they don''t weight anything, and, well, I''m sorta a corpse. I looked back at Transy.

    "So you and...senior, over there, are demons I summoned?"

    S/he smiled like a teacher that had finally taught a half-wit how to say, ''I''m an idiot.'' "Exactly! You didn''t actually use all of the power generated from the sacrifice of thirteen virgins, so you used the remaining power to summon us."

    "Ah, cool. One problem...I don''t remember any of that."

    Transy flinched. "Well, i guess, that''s kinda, and well-"

    "Let me take this."

    I turned towards the floating bow, but no, it didn''t say anything. Transy gestured behind me, so I turned...

    It''s...a mirror?

    There, in front of me, stood a small girl. Long black hair, red eyes, pointed fangs, and an umbrella held over her shoulder. Except, I lost my umbrella when Raphael hit me...

    The other me titled her head, then came forward. The words that came out of her mouth were..."I''m sorry. I''m so, so sorry."

    I felt sorta slack-jawed, then turned back to Transy. He just smiled, and pulled out some popcorn. Unbuttered, of course. I turned back to the other me.

    "Um...hi. What are you, like, my alter-ego?" Behind me, Transy snickered.

    In front of me, I showed myself a warm smile. "Kind of. But you have it backwards.

    You''re my altar-ego. I''m the personality our body was born with."

    I felt a little confused, a little scared, and a lot like the ceiling was now the floor and everything was tilted. And...everything was. My other self chuckled.

    "I''m glad a part of me can be so honest. This is the minds'' world, and your state of mind controls it. Well, not to say I can''t.

    Suddenly, the world was back to normal, even though I remained confused.

    "So...I''m...an insane-psychopaths'' crazed delusion?"

    I chuckled, and patted my head. "No. Well, not anymore. When I was little, I was the only one I could talk to, you see. And me was just so kind, you eventually offered to just...let me rest. But, even while I laid down, I was worried.

    And rightly so.

    Me was just so kind, me was soft, warm, caring...so when me met my family, things didn''t go well.

    Me, that is to say, you, went mad. In a fit of rage, you used our magic to kill off our tormentors-in other words, our family, the blacksmith, and eventually the whole village. That was what prompted you to leave and seek a city."

    This text was taken from Royal Road. Help the author by reading the original version there.

    "What...no, I didn''t kill anyone. Before I died, I didn''t even know I could use magic!"

    I smiled even kinder, and held me to her chest. I was too shocked to resist, and I continued in a small voice.

    "Me was so kind...after years of taking our brothers'' abuse, when you couldn''t take it, when they were going to kill you, you slaughtered them all. Poison was like blood in their veins. You couldn''t handle having killed someone, it almost destroyed me. I covered up the memory, and replaced it with something more suitable. You almost went insane, but I protected you."

    "No!"

    I held my head, and patted the top with I''s left hand. She spoke into my ear.

    "The same happened with our sisters...one day, while they were forcing the animals to take advantage of you, you infected everyone...the plague spread to far, too fast. I took control and redirected it to the next village, but I didn''t save our sisters. No, I couldn''t...me was too thorough. Me was like the sun, shining brightly while defending I...!I had to protect me, save me, so I did a quick slip, and covered up the memory, replaced it with something believable...

    "No...!"

    The right hand began to massage my back. My body couldn''t move, me melted into I''s body, and the left hand slipped to the back of my head.

    "...Because I love you. Mothers'' favorite hobby was starving us. She would tie us up until we begged and begged, and one day, she had left us for four days. We would soon die. So me protected I...! Me disabled mothers'' stpmach, and she starved while eating a feast that never seemed to fill her...me did this, all for I. I love me. Me has an ironic sense of justice, and I love it. But I made you forget, to keep myself smiling, to make me happy. All for me."

    "No..."

    I was now whispering into my ear, my left hand caressing my neck, while I''s right hand slipped lower...and lower...and I realized I could feel.

    "Me is a hero...my savior. When me felt that father had raped and beaten us enough, me turned him inside out, and forced him to rape himself...! Does me know why I love this one particularly? Because it''s the first time me smiled while killing someone...! <3 But no, I needed you to forget. To protect myself, to save myself, because I love myself.

    "N..."

    The right hand slid lower, finally reaching the bottom, and began to move...back and forth. I didn''t just feel, I was sensitive, and then I licked my ear. Swirling around, the teeth sometimes touching.

    "Step-mother was too tragic...She actually loved us. She cared for us, she treated us like her own children. The most tragic of it all was that me didn''t know what love was. Me couldn''t take it, so me lured step-mother to an orc-camp, and watched them take everything from her...wanna know what I love most? Me slaughtered the whole horde without even knowing why she wanted to...! So romantic <3, I love myself, I love me. I made me forget the bad, and left only the good. Yes, the love, I left the love."

    "O..."

    The right hand continued sliding back and forth, while the left had come to the front, eagerly caressing every inch. I''s tongue slid down my neck, licking at my throat.

    "But, a family took you in. A blacksmith let you become an apprentice. What happened? Why isn''t anything wrong? Oh, poor me! Me looked happy, but I knew better...I knew what me liked best, so when that filthy slut cheated on me, I let myself remember, remember enough to burn everything and everyone<3! Me was so lovely while jealous, I could barely hold I back from myself..."

    "No...!"

    Myself writhed, but I couldn''t muster any strength to resist I. I had complete control of myself, and I began to bite my neck. Not playful nibbles, but like an animal eats its'' prey. Blood ran down my neck.

    "The blacksmith was the worst...for years, me put up with giving ''favors.'' All so me could learn. But I love that me did it all for I...I love me so much, I couldn''t let it continue! The blacksmith asked for too much, so me ripped him into pieces<3. But no, no, I couldn''t let me remember, not if I wanted to protect myself, I love me! Why did I have to wait so long!?"

    "No..."

    I was ripping out my throat, gulping down the flesh, drinking the blood, tasting the meat, high on love. Me couldn''t do anything.

    "I love myself<3! I love myself<3! I love my taste, my mind, my body, my flavor...but what''s funny, is that none of the misfortune should have happened to me. It should have been I.

    Because I''m a piece. A piece of something. I don''t know what, but god is afraid. Isn''t that funny? God is terrified of I! But that doesn''t matter now, all I want...is...to...gobble...me...up<3! Ehehe~"

    I finally gained strength. I grabbed the head buried in my flesh, and threw it away. I stumbled back, and held my throat. Even though I''m bleeding so much, I haven''t gotten anymore dizzy.

    In fact...

    I''m awake. More alert, awake, alive, than I have been.

    For a long, long time.

    In front of me, I...no, a monster crouched. Blood stained her face, and a smile painted her lips. Chunks of flesh and skin showed in between her teeth, and she laughed even while twitching.

    "Hmm~? What''s w~rong, me<3? Me is so tasty, I c-a-n-''t re~sist!!!

    I stumbled back towards the abyss side of the room. The demons simply looked on, not saying anything.

    "Get away from me! I don''t know you!"

    The monster froze. The smile fell, and tears gathered in her eyes. "M-me...me don''t...love I? But I love me!"

    It started coming towards me, I stopped at the edge of the abyss, and looked into the monsters eyes. It stopped.

    "M-me...?"

    I smiled. "Don''t be afraid. Me will love I, just tell me what I am."

    I broke out into a huge smile, and jumped up and down. "Me loves I!! Me loves I! Oh, of course me, I''ll tell you!

    Me is a part! One of seven! Shattered from battle, and thrown across the universe, I am...Persona! Yes, that is I''s name! D...does me love I now?"

    I smiled back at the monster, then held out my left hand.

    "Pierce and Devour, Azkriel!"

    And...nothing happened. For a second, Persona simply stood still. Then she grinned.

    "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! IN I''S MIND, I IS KING! HAHAHAHAHA!"

    Persona jumped towards me, and extended her hands. I grabbed her arms, then threw her over my shoulder, and into the abyss.

    For a long time, I watched the monster disappear into the darkness. From behind, Transy began clapping. I turned to him, and he let out a conniving smile.

    "Well done. I guess I have a new master, at least until that other one can climb back out...you really aren''t a sheep, huh?"

    I shrugged. "Well, I just did something I''ve wanted to do for a long time."

    Transy smiled. "What?"

    I grinned back. "I threw myself off a cliff."

    Transy laughed, then waved a hand. something appeared on the half-table.

    "Here, let''s celebrate a successful suicide attempt."

    "Hurray, cake!"

 Afterword

    Well, it''s done! Now I''d like to thank some people.

    Zeny (Zenlith, in normal-people-speak) For the insightful comments. Really, reading those were some of the best moments of all of this.

    J0nn0. (AKA Noodle Lord) Always there with a comment, always encouraging, even when what I wrote was utter shit.

    Uh...a bunch of other people who''s names'' I can''t remember, (AKA too lazy to check it would take, like, three whole minutes.) Thanks for all the comments, support, ratings, follows, and jazz. Seeing that people actually read this was actually really flattering. I''m glad I got to write something for you, even if it sucked. ^^

    And, Troll. (AKA the S to my M and the M to my S. He''s mutli-purpose.) Without him, I would prolly never have finished. So, uh, fuck you. And thanks.

    And now, uh...I''m done. What do normal people put here...?

    Unauthorized reproduction: this story has been taken without approval. Report sightings.

    Hmm...I don''t think that would actually help. Since, you know, normal is hard for me. Well, might as well shamelessly self-promote shamelessly.</a>

    If your brain is now so damaged you''re brain-dead, you can read some of my more current stuff, if you''re interesting in becomeing a potato. Not literally, but like, you''ll be a vegetable.

    HA get it? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAhAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH

    Please kill me...and where''s the next noodle knight!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!!?!?!

    Probably in your head. Go check.

    Oh, thanks! I just...wait...there''s nothing in here!

    Exactly. <3