《The Lazy Edgy Protagonist Is Lazy and Edgy Today As Well》 2-And the boobs are great as well as the smile while I murderhobo Naturally, once I got out of hell there was ample discussion between Buer, the demon in my right arm, and Gavr, the angel in my left eye. I''ve kept a diary of their conversations in my journal, "The Dark History". I don''t find it embarrassing at all. I''ve hidden it in a safe in my newly acquired mansion on Earth. I laid on the bed, arm outstretchedholding a remote control for the television in the stately room I secured. There''s a corpse nearby with a pentagram on it. I clicked. Alaskan Troopers? This show... it is very entertaining. I''ve never seen so much snow in my life. Not a lot of snow in hell or my father''s kingdom either. However, because I spent the years from 12-15 murderhoboingaround Earth for fun and profit so I could remain as lazy an existence as possible both Buer and Gavrgained more control over my vastly weakening will. As such, the conversations that would go on in my head were constant and banal at first, mostly each of them calling each other names and using angel and demon puns. Until they watched enough TV, played enough games, observing and sometimes manifesting out from my eye and arm respectively as I slept or laid on the couch in philosophical repose. There were that string of murders I committed, the secret organization that I fought off(continuing to this day, bastards are tenacious), my first girlfriend, and(most importantly) that one VRMMORPG I played in which I escaped a death game that left me the only survivor. And, their conversations were often thus during these events: "Can''t you snicker and click your tongue more?" complained Buer from my right arm. He looks like a wheel made out of goats legs and a smug lion face in the center. Quite the regal tone. "Where''s the evil grin? The duel-wielding? The last time I saw you impale a demon army was all the way back in hell! And, this accursed angel! I hope you keep her around to analyze that woman''s breast size and calculate the volume of blood you can spill when killing mooks. Gavr''snot good for much else, besides whining."Support creative writers by reading their stories on Royal Road, not stolen versions. "Pick the green tea! It has antioxidants! I read antioxidants were good, so it must be true!" Gavrin my left eye would say. Always reading. Always recommending health advice. It''s annoying, but I''m too lazy these days to tell her to shut up. "Call Michelle! She''s worried about you, the last time you both went on a killing spree was half a year ago. Does she mean nothing to you?" Now you might wonder why Gavr, an angel I happened to "save" from eye and seal in my missing eye socket is so concerned over petty things like these when my daily diet is murder, mayhem, and lounging around furniture with some entertainment device around me. My only guess is, her expectations have lowered a lot since we met. She knows I have a sore spot for Michelle, after all it''s an older woman, after all she didn''t get turned off by the constant murdering and hoboing, nor the traveling. Nor the laziness. The perfect girl for an ex-hellboy satan slayer like me. "Are you listening. Hey. Pervert. I can see what you''re thinking. Pervert," said Gavr. I wasn''t thinking about her breasts. "You should be thinking about her breasts, Laom, that''s the only thing she''s good for!" Buer jumped in as he grabbed my face, making sure to have one eye peek out through my fingers just in case someone was watching. He''s good about that. However, Buer, let us not deny the truth. Indeed, Gavr is a beautiful angel that I found being tickled for eternity by horny lesbian succubi. Indeed, her breasts are amazing. However, if you had to ask me, and you didn''t but I''ll tell you anyways because I feel like it, it''s that smile that never goes away that keeps me cheered up between murderhoboing events, during murderhobo events, and when I''m depressed because I''ve murderhoboed too much or too little. Or Michelle is too far away to have astral blood sex. "And the boobs?" Buer felt the need to remind me. And the boobs. 3-Doughnuts Arc ① There are times that try men''s hearts. Pain and suffering are all well and good, I got used to that in hell. What came next... I wasn''t prepared. This is the story of the darkest time of my life. I mean, after the part where I came out of hell after defeating Satan. Well, I mean, after the part where my father died before my eyes and I lost my arm and eye. There''s worse things. For me at least... and that was... After a long, hard day of wanton murder in China myjiangshiI summoned(it''s important to fit in with the local culture, I can''t always use the edge demon lords) carried me via boob conveyance away from my most recent run in with Dark Reunion(that supernatural organization hunting me down, I mentioned that, right?), I saw it. I saw it. It was just a lazy glance, obscured by I saw it. It was just a lazy glance, obscured by jiangshi boob, but I saw it. A ring, floating in the sky. On it were small, cylinder-shaped, multicolored shafted additions sunk into a black pool of some substance given the appearance of dripping off of the ring. Spread out across it''s grand circular shape. Like sprinkles from the sky. I thought back, it the stars I saw at night, to my first snowy night on Earth where the white pinpricks danced down from the sky like glitter. "What... what the hell is that?!" yelled Gavrin my head. My left eye shaking in fear. I didn''t know at that time, but Gavr''sprecognition ability sensed what was wrong. Even in the trying battles of hell, even in the final battle against Satan, that power didn''t awaken. Until now. By this time in my life, I became too lazy to respond to verbal or mental communication. Naturally, if I''m using jiangshi boob conveyance in the middle of China, getting disgusted and shocked faces everywhere I went, something at the level of a complaining angel that I sealed in my eye would have no effect on me.If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. Please report it. Buer directed my bandaged right arm towards the ring in the sky, trailing down to some conveniently placed doors. My loyal Buer sensed my intent. "Jiangshi! Prince Laomdesires to obtain knowledge of this facility! Advance!" Bouncing up and down on the jiangshi''s boob conveyance my limp form captured images through both my eyes. A ceiling. Well, that was about all I could see or care to see as I drifted on the jiangshi boobs into the building. As the door opened, I smelled it. It was at that time that my life changed forever. I made to move my body for the first time since my last fight. Buer began to cause my arm to ache. Be still, my right hand! "Master! You can''t! You need to heal! They shot you with the holy bullets again!" Gavr chimed in, unwanted advice as always. Buer''s smug lion face appeared next to her delicate blue eyes and blonde hair. His goat legs wheeled about. "Can''t you feel it, Gavr? This is... a delicacy!" I rose. The lazy me rose from my supine position on the jiangshi boobs. As to how this was accomplished, I slid off. I don''t exert myself more than necessary, even in a situation as pressing as this! My right hand went to my face, Buer casted gravity magic to keep me afloat and made sure to let one eye peek through the gap between my fingers so I could direct his movements. To a normal person, it would appear I was slouching and sauntering forward, however the truth is that Buer is directing my body and manipulating my legs with gravity magic to allow me to move forward without actually walking there myself. This is one of my six hundred and sixty-six lazy techniques! When I came to Earth, I swore I would never exert myself again! And so, I spent the first year in training to become as lazy as possible while still obtaining all I wanted in life! That is how the technique "Demon Gravity Goat Legs Buer''s Special Number 2 - I guess this is how I''ll walk if I need to" was born! Each step an illusion, I wasted zero energy, completely mooching off Buer''s demonic energy as I lurched my body forward, following the smell. And there in front of me was a counter, a beautiful girl in a cheongasm with a smile behind it, and behind her- Thousands of them. Rings. They matched the ring I saw in the sky! 4-Doughnuts Arc② Gavr shivered in my eye. If you could see her, that is, she''s shaking, but technicallyshe''s an ice blue eye but in my mind she''s boobs. I mean, she''s an angel. No, she''s boobs. Why would I bother correcting myself there? "Sugar! No, you mustn''t! According to my analysis, these are ''doughnuts''! Entirely sugar, with sugar topping, with more sugar toppings! It can lead to tooth decay-" Gavrprattled on, waving her wings about scattering feathers around. I know what I must do, I mean, what I want Buer to do for me. "Quiet. Gavr!" Buer interjected with a roar as always. "Our lord and master on high, the great and prestigious and most lazy and despicable being in existence, Laom! -has already chosen the course of action, even invoking one of the six hundred and sixty-six forbiddentechniques. Do you honestly think you can stop him now?" Buer danced me forward like a puppet. I have little concern for the look on the china girl''s cheongsam- oh wait I''m just looking at her boobs again. My eyes traveled down to the slit near the thighs as Buer conveniently leaned me over the counter to peek. It must have been terrifying for her, poor girl. A strange man like me, clad in a long black leather short-sleeved trenchcoat with specks of blood scattered here and there, wild hair going every direction and any direction, a bandaged arm on my face with one eye(my red one, it''s red of course, like blood, see?) and a limp body floating slightly over her counter and into her face to satiate my momentary lust and curiosity. "Um, can I help you?" A nervous voice came from above my sight line from the girl. Within my view, I could see them near her thigh slit, the smell tickling my nose. Yes, the "doughnuts". This is what I''m here for. It was at this point that I was at a loss of what to do. Gavr? "It''s a shop, Laom. You don''t remember? Buer, order the items and give the girl some money," Gavr said. Her tone submissive. That''s right. This was one of my forbidden actions in this world. I would not think of anything ever again unless it suited my desires! Just because I knew what a shop was but that didn''t mean a had any intention of handling this myself! That was true in my past life as well! Do you really think I''ve never walked into a shop as Prince of Troi? Well, actually, I didn''t, come to think of it wasn''t my life sheltered? Anyways, it''s not like Buer knew what a shop was from his time in hell or his time here. As all I''ve done before is-This novel''s true home is a different platform. Support the author by finding it there. "Gavr, what are you talking about?" Buer raised his goat legs as if they were shrugging and sighed. "We''ll just kill her like usua-" He stopped because he sensed my intention. No. Not here. This is my first time, personally, in a shop, of my own volition, in all the years of my life. I would not decry that meagre effort on my part. Nor would I deny the now shaking chinesegirl in front of me a smooth business transaction! She''s pretty after all. Her dull brown eyes were wide open in shock darting from side to side. Why? Gavr! "She noticed the female jiangshi you rode in on..." Damn it all! Quick, Buer! Distract her with money! "What all this about money, Gavr?" Buer questioned me. Sounded like he really wanted to know. Good thing Gavr gave him a full explanation in detail as I hung there over the counter after casting a ''spell of holding there'' on the china girl who made to run. Good. I was worried about her being too afraid to take my payment. Moreover, isn''t it your job? Everyone can''t be lazy like me. "... I see. To think humans don''t even barter with souls and flesh and instead use pieces of cloth. How barbaric. Very well!So the money''s in this receptacle here, huh?" The cash register was wrenched open with gravity magic. A pile of bills floated and handed to the china girl frozen sweating, and my mouth moved. Another one of my six hundred and sixty-six techniques, "Social interaction number one! - voiceover by Gavr because Buer would just scare everyone while Buer moves my mouth!" "Um, could I have a dozen with sprinkles?" asked Gavr out loud in her heavenly voice as the holding spell disappeared. Buer setup a barrier of summoned demons behind the counter, their massive forms with muscles bulging as the china girl tried to scramble away. She stopped as the crumpled money landed in her hands, tears streaming down her face as her eyes went blank and she delicately laid the money away in the broken register first, then opened up a box mechanically and retrieved the donuts, shaking as she went. Now, I know that Gavr knows about how things actually work in the human world. She knows that I know. She knows Buer doesn''t know. Her explanation saved the girl''s life, because I can''t be bothered to actually control Buer directly anymore. Thus, the gentle tug of war lead to this unfortunate situation where I used the store''s own money to buy their own product. And thus, my will to respect the motion of this world was complete, and so I urged Buer to put a donut in my mouth and chew for me and as I did- I realized this didn''t taste like demon flesh at all. What is this? The smell, it was just a lure for the taste! I''ve been tricked! Gavr''s eyes gained a new bright light sensing my emotions. Yes, this was her plan all along, wasn''t it? To tempt me with actual food again, whose taste I had forgotten in my escape from hell! And so it was then that I remembered lots of things. The china girl fainted as I chewed. Wait, aren''t I horrible person? No, I''m the absolute worst person! I had forgotten normal human interaction entirely in those early days out of Hell, and now I was remembering! That was the very first time that those thoughts occurred to me since coming to Earth. 5-Doughnuts Arc ③ This was back when I fought against Mannaroth in hell- "Impossible!" Mannaroth yelled at half hp. Thanks for the tip, Gavr, without the convenient health point notifier I would have probably had to make the decision. "You broke though my delusion ability? How!" His delusion was me being trapped in a sea of blood. In hell, there''s lots of flesh and blood around anyways. Don''t think I wasn''t squeamish at all, in fact, I tried really hard back then. I was super, super scared. Okay, I cried like a bitch all the time but it was hell and I was eleven, I think? I think I said something like: "I promised GavrI''d take her out of hell. Even if it''s just her I''ll..." With a stone grin on my face, like a comrade that you could rely on in the most trying of times. An honorable friend, not lazy at all. Wait, did it really go like that Gavr? "Yes?" Gavr said. No, no, back then I clearly asked you to seal away my memories to stop that delusion attack and act as my primary strategy and thinking apparatus so we could win. If I didn''t offload the mental strain of things like fear, pain, and the desire for normal food, there was no way I could cast "Crimson Edge Final Flash Hell Spinning Goat Leg Stomp - Thunder Knight Of Lightning Skill: Third Form" to defeat Mannaroth combining my power with Buer''s. "Ah," Buer reminisced, a rare light tone in his lion roar voice. "That time I decided to fully serve under you because you sealed away your humanity with Gavr''shelp? Good times." Okay anyways, since I did that, it was a lot harder to think of things because Gavrwould handle logic and I would be chanting and learning secret skills while doing mental training 24/7 in my head. Getting out of hell was only because of Gavr''sprocessing ability, there was no way I could have attained mastery of the hell magics, the curse compedium, that Crimson Edge sword Gramdrung which I really should find in my dimensional storage one of these days, and of course that secret final ability that was how I beat Satan. Everything is thanks to Gavr. Or at least, that''s what I remembered as I chewed on that donut. And that was also when I looked at the china girl manning the shop and sympathized with her as most of my humanity returned in an instant. Probably Gavr''sfault, somehow. It didn''t help that the demons Buer summoned were still intimidating the girl as she wet herself shaking. In that moment my face came under my control, my mouth went into a small circle, and my eyes widened. Then I looked to the unfortunate situation and the donut I held in my hand.This book is hosted on another platform. Read the official version and support the author''s work. "Well fuck," I said out loud in the donut shop. Using my own voice! I still remember the strain to this day! Of course, it got much worse after that, and I loathe to recall it because I- Actually moved using my own body, breaking free of Buer''s gravity magic. "Buer! Unsummon those demons! Gavr! Fabricate a memory wiping spell this instant!" It''s embarrassing but I sounded like a spoiled prince. I hadn''t heard that tone come out of my mouth, at the donut shop when I was 13 or so, since I was ten at my father''s court. Wow, I really was a spoiled brat. Huh. I forgot that part. Maybe it''s because what happened later at the donut shop that I don''t think of old times like that much. This was the start of the pain. "Memory spell fabricated, casting!" Gavr chimed in, aimed at the china girl and- She turned into an alpaca. Imagine my surprise as I chewed my donut, staring into the alpaca''s eyes as I contemplated my foiled efforts to resolve this situation as neatly and lazily as possible. My horror at my own behavior since I came to Earth sunk in as I tasted the donut''s sweetness. "Oh well," I groaned. ------------- This is what I heard later from my girlfriend Michelle about the situation that was unfolding already as I tasted the donut and recalled my humanity. She was there, doing her dark work as some official of some organization called INTERPOL she managed to sneak into. She''s really a cyber witch-druid ninja angel from the seventh planet, but that''s a long story how that turned out so I''ll leave it at ''she was an INTERPOL agent'' for now: Bodies strewn inside a warehouse. Michelle held a napkin to her face scrunching her nose, her tight clothing and plaid short skirt were out of place and downright inappropriate at the murder scene. A detective was mumbling as lackeys ran about doing forensic things. It''s a crime scene. There were, according to Gavr, 666 people I killed there in a pile. There are a lot of beautiful, green mountains in China, this was a red one. Now, this wanton murderhoboing actually had a goal according to Gavr. Had to take out the Triad, they almost summoned Shenlong using the dragon balls so Gavr directed Buer to crash the party because that might actually be a difficult fight if someone obtained immortality- again. The detective, Michelle described him as the type with perpetual bags under his eyes and a cigar gritted in his teeth, admired the unholy body stack. "You ever see anything like this at INTERPOL, Michelle?" gesturing towards the corpse mountain. "Twice," she sighed. "But this time, it''s a strange arrangement..." "Yeah. Almost like someone used magic, huh?" The detective quipped and left Michelle standing there at the Triad corpse base camp. The detective walked away into a nearby room, sent a surreptitious gaze and flipped out his phone. "Dark Reunion will have to hear about this," he mumbled. Meanwhile, at the chinese folded blood origami abstract art, Michelle turned off her eavesdropping spell by lowering her hand from her ear. "Dark Reunion... better find this guy first. If he could take out this many people, then he might be a powerful ally..." She pulled out the dowsing sticks and chanted the location magic. They turned to the left, and she wandered off following them, ignoring the narrowed eyes staring at her. 6-Doughnuts Arc④ I rode on my new alpaca mount down the streets of sometownin China. "Shanghai," Gavrsaid. I rode on my new alpaca mount down the streets of Shanghai. This is taking responsibility. I munched on my newly acquired stock of donuts I vacuumed up from the remains of the donut store. Don''t call it stealing. Just because Buer dismissed the demons and I used my dimensional storage to collect all the remaining donuts and the broken cash register which just happened to have money in it isn''t stealing. "It''s stealing. It''s definitely stealing." Gavrmuttered. As I was too busy to respond steering the alpaca, Buer came to my defense. "And who was the one who turned an order for a memory erasure spell into an alpaca transformation spell? Was it the only other supernatural being inhabiting this body?" Good job, Buer. You always sense exactly what I want to say. There is no way this is my fault. "You didn''t have to turn her into your mount!" complained Gavr. We haven''t yet established the alpaca''s gender Gavr- "It''s a her.You don''t have anything like a memory erasure spell, I had to use the "Curse of Alpaca" from your curse compendium!" "This is why you are naive, Gavr," Buer said. "You can''t put an alpaca in front of our Master and expect him not to ride it." Look, I may be extremely, extremely lazy since I got out of hell but that''s because life in hell was super hard. I gave myself a pass for the rest of my life to do what I wanted, and now that my memories are back I needed something to distract myself. Hence robbing- no, acquiring a new mount and going for a pleasure ride while chewing donuts and murderhoboing. It left quite a mess. If you''re wondering why the wanton murder, well, I was feeling a bit guilty and Gavrgot on my nerves so I reacted appropriately and- "Oops! I made that guys shadow come alive and eat him! Little late to be concerned about morality, huh, Gavr?!" Okay, so maybe I''m a little angry. And maybe the sometown- er, Shanghai, is overrun by boob-bearing jiangshi. That may be the case right now. It already occurred to me that I could seal my memories again, but as I munched adonut and murderhoboed a passing delivery truck with a gravity spell from Buer, I couldn''t help but feel like it might be more trouble in the future if I did. There''s something to be said for being an absolute invalid and riding via body conveyance on jianshi, but isn''t there more to life? Like murderhoboing? Like MMORPGs? Yeah, maybe I should build a secret base in the mountains and- That''s when I heard it. The call of theMeneoussu. "Ah, fuck, not again," I sighed. Dark Reunion sent another one. Or, I should probably say that since Shanghai is overrun by my booby jiangshi, that it would have been their first move unleash one of them in hopes that they could slow me down. Buer growled. "Tying the blindfold, Master Laom, leave the control of the alpaca to me!" "Yes, yes," I groaned. It''s exhausting talking so much. Things only got more exhausting from here on, but I think everything turned out alright. For me, at least. Gavr chimed in, "Laom, Meneoussu located. 1 kilometer south-east. It''s a strong one." Goddamn Meneoussu. Now, I need to go into my dimensional storage and get a weapon. Meneoussu are pains in the ass because of their usually strong magic resist and auto-charm ability. You look at a Meneoussu, you fall in love with a Meneoussu.Stolen from Royal Road, this story should be reported if encountered on Amazon. I regret what happened last time. A single tear fell from my crimson eye. At least I have the blindfold, this time! Okay, now to get a weapon from my dimensional storage. My left hand holding the donut dipped into the air in front of me, although I couldn''t see now I was the only one who could operate the dimensional storage. Another reason I hate Meneoussu, I have to actually fight them because Buer''s magic doesn''t do shit to them. So annoying. Eh? Grabbing this and that I kept fishing around the dimensional storage. Everything is round and squishy. Oh no. I put too many donuts in! "Goddamn it," I cursed. "Something the matter, Laom?" Gavr asked, worry in her tone. She''s an angel. I wasn''t going to waste anymore time on a fucking Meneoussu than I had to! My left hand grasped a donut and pulled it out. I''ll just use one of these.Incidentally, this turned out to be a horrible idea. "Gavr, cast some curse of doom or something on this donut. I''ll feed it to the Meneoussu, that should work, right?" "This is a horrible idea." Gavr warned me. "Just do it, if the Meneoussu lives I''ll think of something else." I''ll chalk up this mistake to me being in a foul mood. I heard the cry of the Meneoussu again. "Meneousssssssssuuuuuuu......" It''s a light, whining tone. They have a long neck, huge white fur, basically it''s an alpaca crossed with a sheep. That I was riding an alpaca at the moment was simply coincidence. "Meneoussu, 3''o''clock!" Gavr created a helpful directional arrow in my mind. The cry of the Meneoussu sounded again, betraying it''s location. My hand instinctivelysteadied itself against wall to my left as the alpaca stopped. "Laom, we''re right around a corner from the Meneoussu. Throw the donut," Gavr said. I gave a light toss and I saw a blur of white through the blindfold. A Meneoussu''s long neck can snap forward like a snake. Seems like it took the bait. The alpaca took off, away from the Meneoussu. "Gavr, status on the target?" I asked. "It''s... uh-oh. I told you this was a bad idea, remember?" "...shit." My left hand went back into my storage, pushing donuts aside as I rushed to find something to use as a weapon. The alpaca charged through the streets gaining distance. Buer must have cast gravity magic, I felt my body lean to my right side as the alpaca charged sideways across nearby building, leaping the alleyway gaps as the ground rumbled. "Meneousssssssuuuuuu....." This was bad, that sounded deeper than before. Gavr, what happened? "I don''t know. Meneoussu are anti-magic homunculi from the start, I think it must devoured your curse and became even stronger?" Okay, so feeding Meneoussu cursed donuts was a bad idea. Make a note of it, Gavr. "Do not feed Meneoussu cursed food to kill them, it only makes them stronger... got it!" You see, I smiled to myself, having three brains in one body is great, especially when one of them ca- A huge impact slammed into my back, a momentary softness from the Meneoussu''s fur before my face flew into pavement. Buer stoodme up with gravity magic but not before I realized my left hand was out of my dimensional storage. Around me, all I felt was donuts! Donuts everywhere. If I peeked out from my blindfold I risked falling in love, so it was convenient I had an angel to tell me these things. "You''re covered in donuts right now! You have to physically move them, Buer''s running out of magic!" Screw that. Cast ''Curse of Go Away'' on them, or that Meneoussu might eat me along with the whole pile! The donuts scattered. This was my second mistake. I heard Gavr mumble. "The alpaca''s eating the donuts." "...shit, don''t tell me-" My body flew in the air again from a heavy physical attack from the Meneoussu. I fished my dimensional storage again, fumbling around trying to find a weapon. "Crimson Edge, Crimson Edge, Crimson Edge..." I prayed over and over as Buer floated me onto a nearby roof. A huge surge of energy erupted from the street below and a bright light, even through the blindfold I had to cover my eyes in a panic. "The alpaca! It cast a spell!" Fuck. See, this is why I should never put curses of food. I slipped in my confusion as the light hit me, and my arm jerked out of my dimensional storage flinging out a long object. "It''s the Crimson Edge!" Buer, get it with gravity magic! "The alpaca snatchedit, Laom. It''s fighting the Meneoussu. Or do you want me to interrupt?" Well, I don''t want to step in... wait, the alpaca is fighting? "Yes," Gavr said, "the auto-charm effect isn''t working on the alpaca for some reason! Even though the Meneoussu is this strong now, it''s holding it''s own with the Crimson Edge''s handle clasped in it''s teeth and the donut reality marble it casted!" What the hell is a donut reality marble? A soft sensation plopped onto my head. My hand went up and snatched the object left there, and feeling the hole in the center I identified it as a donut. More plops fell on me. My hands searching around, they all felt like donuts. "A reality marble is a manifestation of the user''s internal world projected onto reality. The when the alpaca cursed with ''Curse of Alpaca'' ate the donuts cursed with ''Curse of Going Away'' it must have awakened a hidden ability!" Huh. Well. Um. Go alpaca?