《The Oaf, The Lady, and The Puppy》 News to me. Joe was pissed off. This is the third time James cut my hours this month. He had just got home from the convience store where he worked. To be fair though I kept dozing off at the register...Ja Bronie''s Revenge is way too immersive. Between RPGs,RTSs,and porn not much left time for sleep or excelling at work. As he got closer to the door of the shed he lived in behind his grandmother''s house he noticed a cardboard box with his name on it in rather ornate lettering. "That came for you earlier bubba."said Gramma Shirley behind him. In her arms the sweetest bundle or black fur ever his little chihuahua BB. "Must have been a private delivery service no return address on it and it is Sunday. James fire you honey?" concern creeping into her voice. "Not yet butIgot sent hometwo hours early again."he replied. " I just finished bakin a ham got some sweet corn boiled and cornbread ready come in the house grandaddy wants to talk with you." " Be inside shortly gramma." BB stayed quiet until Gramma set him down then he started yippin at Joe as well. Not you too... Grandaddy is probaly trying to talk to me about going back to school or joining the Coast Guard. Because five years on an aircraft carrier wasn''t enough time on the water. Fuckin'' war on terror my ass.. It was balmy and looked like rain butin Mobile that was common. Joe picked up the box and unlocked the shed. Damn I need to air this place out. It most definately smelled like teen spirit. BB darted right past him to lay down on the bed Little man owns the world we just live in it. Despite the day he was smiling. Joe brushed some cigar guts off the table into a garbage can then set his box down. It was about the size of a gaming console and about the same weight. I hope this might be a system. God you know I want one. I filled out alpha tester questionaires forthree companies'' next generation it would be amazing... he got his knife off the table and cut the tape. Inside were some travel brochures and tourist photos of a place he''d never heard of he merely gave those a passing glance. The thing that held the most interest for him was a green bottle filled with liquid it had a picture of a fairy on it and the writing was French and he noticed ans 1640 at the end. I think this is absinthe... the real shit. I don''t have work til thursday either. Looking at the wall he realized 15 minutes had passed he needed to get inside to eat.The author''s tale has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon. Freddy sat down at the table wondering where his reprobate of a grandson was. Big and strong not to mention smart as he is Joe should be doing something with himself besides jerkin off and working a dead end job for a jackass like James Preston.The door opened and just like magic Joe walked in." You know you took yer damn sweet time. I got somethin-" before Freddy could get rolling good Shirley cut him off with a glare. "Freddy stop say Grace and eat after that lay into him if you want both of you will be able to talk better on a full belly." "Gracious Lord pardon our sins and make us truly thankful for these and all other blessings Amen." The meal passed pretty much in silence. Joe cleaned the table did the dishes then took out the trash Mondays were always trash day it took a week for then to come back. Theboy is dilligent and hardworking to when he wants to be. Thought Freddy watching his grandson, he just needs to find himself something to care about. When Joe got back into the house his grandaddy began to speak " Joe your grandmother and I are selling the house and moving to Yuma." " Ok when are we moving?" " WE that means your grandmother and me, are going in six months. So YOU have about five to get your shit together and find somewhere else to go." Joe was shocked at the news but kept his mouth shut because he knew grandaddy wasn''t changing his mind. He walked off from Freddy back to the kitchen fumbled in the draw by the sink until he found a corkscrew then left out the back door. Damn I got Smashed! Joe was back in the shed rolling up a fat one at the table. BB was him with practically running around in circles in a frenzy. Joe got up and headed to the bathroom BB followed him inside he put a towel at the door and proceeded to face the cigar. Sometime later both he and the dog slowly made their way back into the kitchenette. " Damn I''m hungry. You want a sammich boy? You want a sammich I bet let''s see what we got." Joe then proceeded to make some peanut butter and spam sandwiches. Hunger would make a dog eat turnip greens as granddaddy would say. He and BB smashed four of them then he remembered the bottle of absinthe on the table. He grabbedthe corkscrew and the bottlethen began to wiggle the cork out. Looking for a cup he sawone that looked fairly cleanLiquor sterilizesmost shit anyways.He filled up the reddisposable cup with the green liquid and tookaswig..Wow that tastes bad but then again most shit out of green bottles are horrible to drink. He took most of the remainder like a shot.It reminded him of the time he tried to get twisted on cough syrup. It tasted medicinal and made him queasy. He sat down in his arm chair by the tv and cut on the set found nothing on to watch downed most of the cup''s contents then set it on the floor. BB was drinking out of the disposable before it touched the floor. Frikkin wino. Like father like son I guess even if they''re fur babies. " Let''s go to bed BB." Joe and BB laid down and slept. Joe knew he was flashing through some crazy dreams he sweated heavily and could feel the furry one twitch by his legs then all of a sudden he was freezing. He felt a gusting wind blowing across his face. It got so cold he opened his eyes to look it was daylight now and there were rocks everywhere. "What the hell happened BB?" he asked looking down at his dog. BB looked back at him We woke up higher than we''ve ever been man... " Oh ok... shit did you really just answer me?" I can''t explain it either but let''s roll with it. From what I can tell is we are up high somewhere. Also I smell so many things I never smelled before. Just as Joe was getting his head wrapped around the fact that BB could talk to him out pops a fairy in front of his face. " Why did we get two Transfers? Why are they both practically naked? Ok Tina calm down... Greetings Transfers hold all questions until after I finish my spiel. I am Tina a messenger fairy for Glendray 3rd chair of Lords of Chaos.¡± Joe can''t hold his shit together on this one and starts laughing. "So we are on planet piss. Are the Lords a metal band and is this the bass player''s side projects?" He falls to his knees in pain and starts bleeding from his anus. Almost immediately the pain stops and he is back on his feet. Tinaseemsto be enjoying his discomfort. " I told you to not ask any questions until I was through... I know you didn''t read any of the information that came with the bottle because you areunclothed , unprovisioned , and unequipped you also brought a pet. I''m tempted to just say fuck it and let Order or Neutrality sort you out. That''swhat I''ll do."She then dematerialized. And we are still left with questions Joe. At least we know we are on Urea."Planet Piss okit''s Planet Piss BB."Changing gears Joe closes his eyes andmutters a prayer "Please God help us we need guidance and aid." You expect him to answer you hell he didn''t answer too many prayers on Earth? You''d be better oftrying for Order''s attention. "Don''t randomlysendout prayers for help. You never know who''d actually respond and how they''d aid you."" BBdid you hearthat too?" Yes I hope we arehallucinating... fuck itI''m a talking dog let''s roll with it. " Who are you?" "I''ma beingthathas helped you already. Who do you think facilitated the communications between you and your companion?" " I am Joe but I assume you know that already the little guy over there is BB. What is your name?" " No mortal hasnamed me yet." " No name? Well thenwhat are you?" " I amwhat you would call a god. Before you ask no I can''t send you back. Also no I can''tgive you powerful abilities. I was able to bridge communication between you twoand that pretty much exhausted my powers. Right now the Lords of Orderare at war with Chaos and Neutrality. My guess isthat Chaos summoned you herein order to fight in the war obviously you pissed of the messenger and evaporated your chance at the big leagues. So you are left with two choices enter a covenant with me or take your chances by yourself." "What does it mean to enter a covenant?" "You agree to worship me. Follow my commandments...give me a name"" BB sounds good to me. You think we should?" Best chanceto liveI guess but what do you get out of it? " I wantto live as well. Without worshipers gods die ." " We wish to enter a covenant with you." " Ok give me a name." Giving a quick thought about a sexylatina with a phat ass and big knockers he used to know Joe said " Carmen. Now what Carmen?" That same imagespoke back in his mind "Kiss me stupido."Hewas horny so he went for theFrench, she slapped the shit outta him. " I think you are going to be fun. My first command is to kill Orion or conquer Urea. First thing I''ll do when when I''m in charge is change the name of this planet maybe to something more dignified. The last Emperor had a sense of humor." ¡°Don''t you think deicide or world domination is a little much? You are asking slacker supreme and stoner doggie to do this for you. WE get shitty and stay awake for 50 hour Ja Bronie sessions. WE hump furniture when we get drunk. WE shit on people''s doorsteps. Responsibilities and early violent death lies at the exact opposite direction on the spectrum from our areas of expertise and interests. I personally want to die in my 80s at an after party held for my 20th world Ja Bronie title defense. Balls deep in one of 6 hookers that I told to dress like clowns. Autopsy to reveal a combination of coke and ED pills causing my heart to implode post coitus.¡± Totally bro drugs and bitches but personally I wanna be inside that little Bichon that Gramma''s friend has down the road. That nitch is a is a total slut man. Heard she let a possum up in that. You are so simple. Fine, baby steps get down the mountain and we''ll take it from there. By the way if you are going to be led around by your dick Joe it may as well serve a practical purpose. Your destination lies in the direction that you get a chubby facing. By the time you get a raging boner you have come haha to the happy ending. I am tired I must rest. You have about four hours until it becomes nightfall get a move on. Surprisingly, Carmen told the truth as I spun around slowly I could feel an erection rising and see the sun setting. I realized in my skylarking that I saw we were approximately halfway up the mountains and on what appeared to be the ¡°wet¡± side of the mountain. That would explain why we are so cold BB. Sure as shit man it''s fucking cold Joe. Wait you heard me BB? Yeah I saw it when you tried to perv on the goddess bro. She shut you down like a champ... She is hot I''d tongue punch her fartbox. So you can see everything that happens in my head? I thought about a school bus. School bus. Quit wasting time dill weed which way we headed? Looks like we are headed pretty much straight down. BB took off at a run. I''ll look ahead I am a lot faster than you anyways just come down this wash out slow n easy. I heeded his advice and proceeded at a slow walk trying to take in the view looking at the sand I saw that it was red which could be an indication of iron deposits in the mountain and some sharp edged rock. It is called Chert you moron. That dyke bitch Katey never stopped droning on about her geography and Vagina Supremacy classes. I guess more of those lessons stuck than I thought paying half- assed attention simply because she wouldn''t shut up. Hell if I''d payed attention when she''d launched off about the patriarchy I might''ve pulled some hot lesbo ass like she did. Fuck her girlfriend was stacked. I''ll be damned if I''d be Politically Correct. I was born large white male and Southern. Hell I was raised Southern Baptist and Republican. There were coniferous and what appeared to be hardwoods in distance but what surprised me the most was the lack of scrub in the under-canopy. If memory and the frumpy lezzie were correct then that means this was virgin timber that it all grew up together or there were people actively managing this area of the forest to keep the undergrowth in check. As there are no visible stumps I am inclined to believe the former. You are not stealthy at all fat boy I am off in the distance but I know just where you are from the sound of your breathing. So BB see anything interesting? Saw a grey fox but she wasn''t having none of this... Somebody else isn''t as charming as they thought they were. Keep an eye out for anything that looks dangerous you know channel your inner Lassie or some shit. Try not to mouth breath fat boy you are liable to suck in a bug. With that it was back to peaceful birdsong and chirping insects. Then the birdsong stopped. BB sent me a thought Hey man there is some midget methhead looking motherfuckers on their way towards you they smell worse than your sheets bro. Take cover behind the nearest tree while I get a closer look. I heard BB giving a little yip in the distance as I took cover behind the tree closest to me. I peeked out from behind the tree and I saw two goblins in the distance about 150ft or so and coming closer. No shit archetypical green scaly goblins 3ft tall and spindly. One had a stone tipped spear and the other was armed with a small wooden club that looked like a chunk of firewood. They had no armor to speak of save wide rawhide belts that covered their guts which were poked out like those bloated Ethiopian kids on the commercials. One of them opens up his mouth and I see what BB was talking about total meth mouth up in there. I look at my feet and I find a rock palm sized rock to put in my hand just in case I need to perform some corrective dentistry on these fools. On their backs were some oversized backpacks. Spear gob had a skunk tail sticking out of his pack. If we run you will be caught these guys are pretty fast.. Fat Boy get ready I got an idea. BB darted out from behind the Gobs barking and growling murder. I am three times the size of these guys so I ran from behind my tree. Both gobs attentions were focused on BB. Spear gob didn''t see me til I was about 5ft from him I jumped up and launched myself into a drop kick into his chest he fell down hard. I transitioned my momentum into a full mount onto the little green bastard and brought my rock down hard onto his head 4 times in quick succession. As I did that I felt a whiff of air pass left ear and my left shoulder was enveloped in pain as club gob brought down his weapon. Then I felt clawing pain on my upper shoulders as he attempted to grab my neck. I heard the goblin grunt but not a deep grunt almost as if he was just distracted. I used this break to twist my trunk around to face my foe. Something primal broke in me and I bit the fucker''s nose. I tasted his blood in my mouth, a chunk of something passed by my tongue I didn''t pause to think of the options either I had gobbo nose in my mouth now or boogers. Fuck it I swallowed and stood up and turned around. The gob staggered back upright. I''ll give him props for holding onto his club after a psycho tried to go bathsalts on his face. We faced each other and I thought I saw fear in his eyes as he hissed at me. I roared my challenge back at him with spittle flying from my bloody face orfice. I think it might be a long time coming before I can call it my mouth again after the potential goblin booger incident. My roar echoed for a very long time and I can guess it carried for miles. The goblin and I faced each other for some time before he swung his club at my left thigh. It hurt like hell I pissed myself in pain, but that gave my the opportunity to grab his wrist at which point once again I used my weight and momentum to put him to the ground I brought my rock down countless times over and over on his head.. There was a veritable goblin brain Vesuvius by the time I was done. Then I collapsed in a heap as I heard a voice say Level one Berserker Requirements met. This tale has been pilfered from Royal Road. If found on Amazon, kindly file a report. Oh you dirty boy! You really like to get into your work. Don''t worry take a nap you earned it. Keep impressing me you might earn something more. She said that with a seductive shake of her hips and a pouty smirk on her lips. Fuck yeah fat boy score. Shut up BB I need to crash you try to find some help. Eustace hated his new route salt pork and lard fromInaard''s slaughterhouses to pick up salt fish on the coast at Steenq. Whoever named the place must have been thinking of the whores and the wharves. His caravan was fairly large six wagons 12 guards. Which seems like a lot but he was also holding on to the pay chest for the Square Deal''s operations in Steenq. His superior''s had thought that a whole wagon train of stink and 13 rough faces would deter bandits however the guards might be needed because a wagon train of stink could bring down a lot of beastial threats. He quiet moment of introspection in the forest was broken by the sound of what could have been a young grey ape but those giants only lived deep in the south or in the menagerie of his Lordship of Inaard where he had been invited before his reputation had taken a hit on the trade deal in the Empire. His failure to get a guaranteed supply of opals for the mages to experiment with. The rest is history from perfumed halls to riding on the stank train. ¡° Stephan are your men ready for action?¡± said the merchant with concern in his voice. ¡° You are too worked up you old fart, relax for a bit and I''ll send two scouts ahead on the road. Armando and Braynard you two are on point. We''ll stay put until you come. Be easy out there I don''t want to be the one to tell Sheila our boys are dead. She''d hoo doo my cock off in the square and watch me bleed out.¡± a grizzled guard brushed him off. ¡°Don''t worry Corporal you were the one that taught us merc work your old ass has made it to the edge of the Empire the back to Inaard in one piece.¡± flippantly replied Braynard. Armando the older brother jerked Braynard''s ear and replied back ¡° We ain''t the Corporal and unless your ass gets a bit smarter you''ll never get to be old.¡± With that the younger men took off down the trail at a trot on their dun coursers. Stephan was 45 years old and had mustererd out of the regiment 5 years ago. After his retirement he tried various crafts and farming. A year later he realized he was complete shit at anything other than soldiering. He had never made it past the rank of Corporal, being poor and common born meant that his career wouldn''t amount to any higher rank that Corporal so he left. His pension and the last engagement''s spoils distribution he had a more coin than he had ever had in his life. He knew that he wasn''t set for life but he could maybe get into business for himself. The quartermaster had put in a good word for him with the Square Deal in return for canceling out a rather sizable dice debt owed to Stephan. After that it was cake to establish residence in part of a dilapidated warehouse that the merchants owned rent free in returned he agreed to find trustworthy bodies for security for the guild. He had roughly 100 troops to guard caravans. The Blue Ducks they called themselves. The Corporal was a fan of Blue and Ducks. He''d be damned if anybody would laugh at them. Everyone on this trip were in leather or chain mail armor. Most had single edge cavalry sabers and leather faced wooden bucklers with a quiver of javelins or short bows and arrows. Nondescript cavalry skirmishers. Consummate professionals all of them. The brothers were different but hell this was the first time they got out of the city. Sheila swore that at least one of them was his son. He wasn''t about to argue with the witch he figured a dick removal spell was probably a thing that she could do. Scratch that she''d just reach out and cut it off. I hope the boy''s are alright... Armando is smarter than Braynard is. But then again both of them went to the Pig Parlor to peek at the doxies when they were supposed to be at the schoolhouse. That was five years ago now. Sheila was livid. She was just as beautiful as I remembered. Somehow it ended up being my fault cause the boys through me under the bridge when Sheila called me by name. It was ¡°Momma we was looking for daddy honest we heard he came back and we just had to see if it was true.¡± ¡° Keep your eyes open this is the wilds.¡± Armando said quietly. ¡° Fuck off brother I think I know how to scout.¡± Braynard barked back Niether of them knew how to scout because it was evident that they were only looking at the trail ahead of them and had not bothered to scan the treeline to the sides of them. Nor were they looking into the distance because if they were then they would have seen a little black dot coming towards them down the trails. Yep fatboy you are saved these two smell like you do but not as funky now to get their attention. Arrf Arrf Yipp Yipp owwl. ¡° Hey you here that Braynard?¡± ¡°Yeah sounds like a puppy. Look it is a puppy looks like he is happy to see us. I wonder what a puppy is doing out here?¡± ¡° You reckon somebody dumped it or that there might be some people living in the woods?¡± ¡°This certainly does bring to question multiple answers¡± ¡°Look he''s running around us.¡± ¡°Want some chip beef little guy? How bout some twice bread?¡± ¡°Nobody wants to eat chip beef or twice baked. He''s gone now.¡± These idiots are dense man way dumber than fat boy. I don''t know how to be more obvious. ¡° He is still barking his ass off I think we should follow him.¡± ¡°Sounds like a plan that falls in line with the whole scouting duties I suppose.¡± As they followed the little black dog through the trees they saw a large pasty man in a pair of under pants. He was passsed out in between two goblin corpses. It smelled like piss shit and blood . The Giant he had jizzed himself. ¡°You see that ? This fellow took down two gobs pretty much bare -assed with a rock and it seems like he did it with a hard on.¡± Braynard said with respect in his voice. ¡°It takes all kinds Braynard. Besides you feel like insulting a man that can fight gobs with a rock and a hard on? Be my guest.¡± Armando replied. ¡° We need to get the Corporal here he looks pretty banged up. He has some writing on him in the Old Script. If we had bothered going to lessons more often we might could read it. Oh well shit under the bridge.¡±Braynard observed. ¡° I agree with everything you said little brother, however one of us needs to go back to the caravan the other needs to stay here to help him. You stay here I''ll head back to the others.¡±Armando ordered ¡°I always get the shit details.¡±Braynard sulked. ¡° Most of the time you deserve the shit details. Braynard.¡± Armando headed back to the caravan and Braynard dismounted.Contrary to what he had said before he knew his Armando left him here because Armando slept through field triage and casualty reduction classes every time their mother tried to teach them. The Corporal insisted all the men keep a flask of rotgut on them at all times not necessarily to drink but for wiping down wounds to try to keep corruption out. Braynard got his out now and flipped out the cork. He took a quick swig without tasting the foul stuff. Rumors said that rotgut was distilled from pumpkin vines or beans. All that the men knew is that the Square Deal merchants provided it at 5 tin pennies in 1 gallon green jugs. He brought out his pocket handkerchief and doused it with the contents of the flask then went to start cleaning the strangers wounds. He wiped down the man''s back and he heard the stranger breath out through his teeth. Then with a start the man pushed himself up from his face first position on the ground. ¡° Damn that hurts. What the fuck just happened?¡± I mumbled more to myself than to anyone else not really expecting an answer. I look around I saw the two goblins I killed earlier and I had just heard a horse ninny as I darted up. I saw teenager on the ground where I was lying earlier. My left arm was done in and my left leg could hold my weight. Looking down it was quite obvious that I was wrong earlier I had not pissed myself instead it was a huge quickly drying spooge stain. ¡° Hey I am talking to you can I please get some answers? No nothing huh. Oh shit we got a language barrier.¡± I pointed at myself ¡°Joe.¡± I look at him expectantly. With his injuries the giant doesn''t need to be moving around with a glance I can tell his left shoulder is dislocated. His thigh bone is most likely cracked his right fist is a swollen bloody mess. But I know I can''t restrain him even in his current state. I really wish I could tell him to sit down. He looks like an ape a pale pasty ape. I wonder if I should treat him like an animal. I reach into my pocket and I pull out some chip beef. ¡° Been holding out on me huh. Beef jerky. But first I''am going to check the gob''s shit.¡± I told him even though I know he didn''t understand me. I limp my busted ass over to the spear gob kneel town and take off his pack. The kid in the leather watches me when he sees my struggle he removes the pack himself. I opened up the contents true to my observation there was a skunk looking creature that was in the pack but funnily it did not smell. There were some squirrels and a rat at the very bottom was a metal knife with about a three inch blade and a tiny horn handle. The kid''s eyes lit up at the sight of the skunk. The gob''s spear was as tall as he was so I guess it''d be better than nothing if it came down to a fight I pick it up in my left hand and we move onto goblin number two. Same drill strip his belt and I saw a silver coin stitched into it. Guess even a goblin likes a little bling. In the other gob''s sack was some mushrooms and some dank herbage that made my eyes light up. The kid seemed uninterested in the munchables and the smokage. I don''t know how valuable this stuff is or if it is what I hope it is. But anyways the kid grabbed the packs and sat down on the grass and motioned for me to do the same. I complied and made the universal sign for drink. The kid chuckled and produced a flask. I grabbed it and took a long swallow. BB I bet this shit came from a green bottle. Want a drop? Fuck no man I ain''t drinking shit for a while remember what happened the last time I drank something. I''ll drink to that. The giant seemed to like the rotgut because he took two drinks. I know plenty of men who only drink this shit once there is a reason that it''s used for medical supplies. I wonder how he''ll like chip beef and twice baked. I pass a piece of beef and a slice of the bread to the giant.¡° Jerky and a cracker I am getting the royal treatment. You know what kid I like you. Once I confirm what this is I might let you have some of my stash.¡±Joe said in a conspiring tone ¡°Run that by me again Armando. You saw a puppy on the road that lead you to a pale giant that had jizzed in his pants either while killing goblins or after? Braynard is tending his wounds and the giant was tattooed with Old Script? ¡± The Corporal asked in disbelief. ¡° It sounds like I am lying but it is the truth if you follow the road they ain''t far off of it¡± Armando retorted ¡°If you lie this is the end of the line for your brother and yourself. I''ll tell your mother then you''ll have to become eunuchs and serve in the temple.¡± Breaking Balls and Causing Falls Two more men in armor came to the area where I had killed the goblins. A younger man with short cropped brown hair and green eyes.Following him an older man whose hair was a shade darker with the same green his had crows feet. The man who was treating my injuries had blonde hair but also the same shade of emerald eyes, he didn''t suffer from the weathered look of the older man nor the angsty scowl of the other. There were resemblances. The younger both had hawk noses. If one were to imagine the older man without a broken nose and cauliflower ears strong resemblances between them. All three were about 5''6" maybe 150lbs.Green eyed guidos these guys are clearly related. I point to myself ¡° Joe. Who are you?¡± to my surprise the man just ignored me and looked over at the skunk and other stuff that came from the gobs. I shook my head wondering if I''d ever get anywhere with my questions in this place. The giant had stumbled onto a skink. This is easily worth a gold piece. Stephan could never understand mages or rich fops. Around the time of his enlistment there was a mage working on combining creatures for the fur trade. None of them a success but the skink. The mage''s apprentices were bribed to let loose the breeding stock . When the nobles found out they hunted down all the skinks that they could.Now the sign of a well dressed man in Thern is a skinkskin hat. Stephan personally thought they looked ridiculous. The squirrels would help to bulk up the stew tonight and a rat was just a squirrel with a different tail. The silver piece on the belt was something that he recognized as a mark from Steenq. That was about a week''s wages for an average laborer. Looking at the knife he saw that it was gnomish made and most likely steel. That''s one big nosed shit never getting back to his bank. Stephan let out a booming laugh at that thought. The gnomes were good with money and everybody hated them for it. ¡° Braynard how is the man?¡± Stephan asked with inflection on the word man.¡° Dislocated shoulder, a possible cracked femur, superficial scratches on his shoulders,and a complete lack of taste buds.¡± Braynard paused and continued ¡° He drank all my rotgut. He ate all my twice baked and chip beef. If you''d been any longer he might''ve tried to eat a gob. Before I gave him my handkerchief to clean up his face was covered in blood. Unless it was a nosebleed none of it was his.¡± equal parts awe and disgust entered the boy''s voice.Breaking the tension was a noisy fart from the giant and his subsequent urination. It feels so good to piss in the woods. You''re telling me man. I pissed all over the place earlier to let that fox know I was still around. By the way fat boy there are some more guys and a road a little ways off in that direction. Good to know. They look like trouble? How am I supposed to know that? They look alright I suppose. The wagons smelll like ham... I have an appetite again I will investigate these wagons further. Oh I''m the fatass... ¡°So do you think Eustace will him ride with us ? The man is injured and in the middle of nowhere the next town is three days away.¡± Braynard asked his father.¡°I don''t know about that but I do know this that the earlier we reset his shoulder the better off he''ll be. Armando give the man your flask he is going to need to drink some more if I am going to remedy his shoulder.¡± With that said the Corporal took his sword belt and limbered up his body. I couldn''t believe my luck the other kid passed me another flask of liquor from his hip. I handed him the empty one back as I downed the full one. The rude man was talking with the first kid and pointed in my direction. The kid came over and knelt down beside me to massage my injured shoulder. I will admit the kid was pretty good at that between the drink and the massage my shoulder was feeling much better. Evening was starting to fall. I was tired and I wanted to lay down. ¡° It is good to know you have some talent at something.You gonna finish him off? Happy ending.¡± Armando launched the barb at his brother in a low voice. The Corporal was one of the best bonesetters there was. The boys were eager to see a pro at work. I hope I can get the lock on him he has some really long arms. If he pulls against me it will make the injury worse and then I will have to cut off his air in order to knock him out. The Corporal thought hard and took in a breath. He laid himself down in line with the arm,and in a swift fluid motion he grabbed the man''s wrist then inserted it between his legs and then made the lock.The big man gave a bit of a scream. Stephan did not release his lock and proceeded to get it tighter to assure that the shoulder was in place. What happened man I heard you scream like a bitch. You little shit one of these fuckers put me in an armbar. Hurts like hell bet you''d bitch if you were in an armbar. Nah man I''d never let anybody put me in an armbar. See I got no arms. Hahaa fucker laugh it up. To my relief the older guy let go of my arm. He sat up and looked at me expectantly until I did the same. He pointed at my left arm then made shoulder circles with his own. I followed suit and I realized that the man had fixed my shoulder. I was ecstatic the pain although dulled by the alcohol was still there but I could move it again. An angry looking old man trundled his way from the direction that the soldiers had came. I have begun to think of them as soldiers because the gear and the carriage of the older man gave off a definite soldier vibe. The old man with a beard was about the same skin tone and height as my rescuers. The major differences were he was rail thin and had a white goatee. His hair was grey and fell down past his shoulders. The newcomer was screaming at the soldiers and pretty much looking madder than ¡°a wet setting hen.¡± I start laughing from beside the lootpile where I was standing. ¡° Somebody is pissed this must be the head asshole.¡± The old fart turned to me and said in perfect English ¡° You best believe it young man. Your shenanigans have caused me to fall behind my timetable.¡± He then turned back and continued berating the soldiers. In the gibberish that seemed to amount to a language here. ¡° Stephan we have the moon tonight which means we could be traveling but instead you are fooling around with a village boy that speaks a corrupted dialect of a prima lingus of the southern Empire. I will admit it is impressive that he killed those goblins with an erection and a smile but this is wasting time.¡± ¡°I want to bring him along. I figure that he can be useful might be able to charge the fishwives in Steenq some tinners to gaze upon the mighty Kraan a prince of the half giants of the south. I''ll split the take with you equal shares. Consider it the transport fees.¡± ¡°There are no half giants in the south. But at 70/30 I''d consider it.¡± ¡°70 is too much Eustace but I''ll agree to it if you handle some transactions at the Rusty Pail for me in Steenq.¡± ¡°Done but I''ll get my 10% commision for the guild, you know it is in our bylaws. I am already on thin ice and I''d rather not risk them finding out. You tried to get the better of me. Don''t play stupid I see the skink over there by his foot the fool might start eating it. Which brings me to my next poin, his food costs will be tallied at the end of the route you will be held accountable for those. Steenq also has a bounty out on feral goblins. Load those two up on the gutwagon in the back and I suppose the ¡°half giant¡± can ride in the lead with me. Undoubtedly the buffoon will bombard me with his lack of proper pronunciation and his general lack of wit as I will be forced to converse in his barbarous tongue.¡± I watched as the four men were circled in conversation I really wished I was a better study at languages not that it''d really help me at this point in time but since the whitebeard understood English maybe others would know Spanish or another language from Earth something I''d at least recognize. Follow the free jerky man. Wow this stuff is salty but hell I ain''t complaining belly rubs and bacon all the way bro. You little shit you found somebody to feed you? Where''s my belly rub. If you can convince this guy to rub your belly I''ll bark like the Chesire Cat. The conversation circle concluded and the whitebeard spoke with an aggravated expression on his face ¡°Big fellow where do you hail from. Are you from the South?¡± ¡° The accent gave it away? My whole family is from around Mobile. How about you I can''t seem to place yours sounds different than anyone else that I heard before.¡± ¡°I have no idea where Mobile is, but I suppose it is a backwater full of ill spoken slackjawed louts such as yourself. No matter we are in route to the coastal town of Steenq with a delivery that needs to be made posthaste. Stephan wishes for you to accompany us. I am not pleased with the idea but he has a scheme to make a little money and as long as I am getting a cut I think I can get over my revulsion to you.¡± ¡° Sounds like you might have beef with me I haven''t done anything to you, but I thank you for your honesty and your help so far. Please tell the Stephan thanks for popping my shoulder back into joint.¡± ¡° I will you. Now follow me you get to ride in the lead with me and I would be grateful if you keep quiet on the ride. We''ll be making camp about a leuga up the road.¡± I went to grab the loot and the older soldier shook his head. The white beard was walking in a hurry towards the direction he came from. I followed after him at a slow limp. We reached a dirt road in about ten minutes. I saw six wagons which reminded me of flatbed haulers loaded down with barrels. Soldiers were alongside each wagon.I could see the old man standing beside the first which had a cab built around the driver''s area and had a red latern hanging from the side of the cab by a door. White beard gave a little cough. ¡° Get in the damn wagon now.¡± I tried to follow his instructions but the door wasn''t making it easy. It was really narrow and too short. I finally laid my head on my right shoulder and slid in sideways. I took up the bulk of the interior with no room left for another person. White beard was grinning ¡° I should have figured that wasn''t going to work.¡± He then said something to the driver in the wagon behind him. The man replied back tersely. ¡° Alphonse says that you can ride in the back of his wagon. Get in the back of the wagon directly behind me. Your puppy is already on the gutwagon with Chet.¡± I extracted myself from the cab with little difficulty as I now knew the trick to it. I crawled my busted ass onto the second wagon and dozed off every bump caused slight pain, but I slept through it.I heard the sounds of multiple voices chattering and then smelled food cooking. We stopped man. Chubby over here has a pot and there is something in it. He gave me some bacon earlier and lots of dried beef. Lucky dog. Anything new? Lots of new people. Are we in a town? No we are still in the woods looks like some people are getting ready to sleep that sounds like a good idea I''m by the bacon master. The tale has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident. I opened my eyes and saw more wagons and a few fires. Just like BB said the number of people easily doubled. Some were eating by the fire closest to me. Some of the guards had their swords out moving through slashing maneuvers in slow motion while the ¡°brothers¡± watched. War daddy had taken off two barrels from a wagon closer to the fire and some guards were getting very animated. I was curious so I walked over to them. I love to dice more than anything. Hell even more than fucking. Stephan was on a losing streak but didn''t seem to mind much at a tin penny a toss he was a couple copper in. He didn''t need the clink, he mainly did it to build up some goodwill with his men. Soldiers dice,drink,or whore all their money away. That will still hold true centuries from now. The game was a traveling game of strategy known as ¡°war¡±. In "war" armies battled for control on a map of Urea. Each country had specialty troops. The country that was contested at this moment was Thirn. Stephan being in control of Thirn had an advantage on the walls of Inaard. His light horse units dismounted and were using their bows to hold off and invasion from the Empire. Horse archers on the walls outnumbered Empire mages three to one. Stephan''s opponents through lucky dice throws were closing the gap fast. Thirn and the Empire being perpetually at war made scenarios like these highly popular in "war". Stephan added another coin to the pile and saw the Big man watching with interest. He beckoned the Giant over for a toss. I saw War Daddy motioning for me to come over so I did. He extended his hand to place something in mine.Three dice made their way into my hand some sides were blank others had a pip carved onto them like simple yes no dice. I made my toss all three pips. My opponent removed a figurine from outside the wall. They motioned for me to toss again. Three pips. Another mage removed. I tossed again two blanks and a pip. My opponent then held out his hands I gave him the dice. He rolled two blanks and a pip. One of my archers was removed.I was given back the dice. I rolled three blanks. Two more archers gone. Then the enemy rolled three pips and ¡°breached¡± my gate causing the end of the round.I then walked back to the wagon to sleep. I was awoken to the pre dawn gloom by the sounds of argument. War Daddy and Whitebeard were standing at the center of the clearing flanked by the soldiers. On the other side of them were a group of strangers.Their faces were darker and they were lankier built than Whitebeard''s group. They were armed with daggers and short scimitars. Armor was non-existant for that group.Clothing was dirty and simple all wore vests or were shirtless.With long unkempt hair and shaggy beards they gave off a hobo vibe. Two men at the back were better dressed they way they comported themselves told me that they were in charge. They were not yelling or attempting to posture with the bravado that was exhibited by the hobos but they gave off a palpable menace. War Daddy eyefucked them hardcore. The man to his right blew back a kiss then said something to his cohort. BB where are you? Still with bacon master. Fatboy what''s up? Shit looks like it''s about to go down get ready to run if you need to. Of all the rotten luck we run into Golden Pot. The quisquiliae, may they be packed in the salt they sell then left to desiccate atop a mountain of shit and redflow waste thought Eustace. Few people made him swear in the Prima but Alexandros Mentula Des Sodius of Steenq , full of self importance , instead of following convention of a Given name then a surname of his trade like most commoners the pompous ass decides to give himself two names in the Prima which he clearly is unlearned of because it could be read as salty dick or unwashed penis if interpreted literally. Wharf thugs that managed to practically corner the salt trade a decade ago the ¡°Mentulas¡± were still rough but the rumor mill runs that they had ties to the Empire and were actively working for them as spies. Eustace could even respect that to a degree but ¡°Alexandros¡± known before as Steenq Town Thomas was a brown- toothed, boorish,and vain brute. He lures workers into his salt pans with empty promises. Plying them with rotgut and whores afterwords he gives them a line of credit at a gambling den. Shortly these young men are in debt that they can never get out of. The younger and handsomer the man the more likely he would end up as a rent boy to be turned out for every sailor on the dock. Whenever his usefulness ended there he might end up in a stewpot in the gaming house. The man''s son was here and that is what made him think of Thomas. ¡° Why are the Mentulas on the road to Inaard?¡± questioned Eustace with a polite even tone. ¡°None of your business shitbreath didn''t realize we needed permission to walk the roads.¡± retorted the one with the greasiest hair and a spotty white birthmark above his right eye. I''ll have to ask Gnasdt when I get to Steenq. I prefer the gnome over ¡°Alexandros¡± "Goosebumps" Gnasdt loans money at simple interest and he can get you practically anything you are looking for. If you owe him the shiny you''ll pay him on time or else things you own just start disappearing. If all else fails he''ll put you on a boat running blockades until you are settled up. Few borrow more than once from the gnome because he''s damn scary when he needs to be. Might ask the gnome to send this turkey on a vacation. Thought Eustace with sick pleasure on his mind. Imagery of Gnomish hospitality making him grimace. ¡° I am wanted by his Lordship''s son. We are to attend a Feast of Orion. We will go hunting for the giant red stags and wolverines.¡± replied Martinimos while tossing his hair. Now I know for sure that the lord''s son was spoiled trash. Judge a man by the company he keeps. Eustace filed this information away for later. ¡° Road too dangerous for a mage to travel alone? You must have cleared out your father''s pleasure palace of security and took his best earning whore with you.¡± Stephan said sarcastically with a twinkle in his eye. Martinimos turned red faced and Spotty drew steel. ¡° I''ll stab this fool and fuck all his holes after I''m done just say the word bossman.¡±Spotty spat. ¡°If I am not mistaken that''s The Corporal I saw him at the Pig Parlor in Inaard. You know No Teeth Norman, Falsetto Frank, and Shitty Bill the Ass Bandit?¡± asked the other man in the back. ¡°Yeah all those guys are tough cobs in a fight. Where is this story going?¡± Spotty wanted to know. ¡°The Corporal was having a short beer waiting for a courier or so I was told later. He had a burlap sack on the bar one of the waitresses gave him a wink when he pinched her ass. He asked her if she ever saw an opal as big as a brandy snifter. She asked what a brandy snifter was. He said he didn''t know but figured it had something to do with brandy whatever that was. So he opened the sack to flirt with the barmaid. The three aforementioned hard cases saw the gem. They made a play for it. The Corporal kicked Frank in his giblets putting him out of commission seeing as he had out a knife. See how his nose is busted to shit? Everyone thinks it is a good idea to go at the nose. Norman hit him in the nose with a billiard ball. It has been broken some many times the fucker has no feelings in it. Shelia of the Merciful Maries has a standing order to leave his broken bones untreated at the temple. The Corporal takes the gem across Norman''s jaw. He followed Norman to the floor. He repeatedly hit the man in the mouth until his jaw practically powder. Shitty Bill thought it was a good idea to run. Even with a full head start Bill got caught The Corporal kicked him in the ass. His aim was dead on unfortunately his boot got caught in Bill''s asshole. When the Corporal pulled his foot out Bill shit all over himself. To this day Bill is prone to shitting on himself at odd times. The Corporal went back inside ordered a brandy to celebrate and to check the veracity of the claim that the opal was the size as advertised. A man showed up and took away the sack. The Mercies arrived to bring the three to temple. Guarda came later to arrest the Corporal upon figuring out all the details the bounty on the three was more than enough to pay his fine. His remainder was enough for another small beer. Which he ordered and drank.¡± ¡° What the fuck purpose did that story serve Velour?¡± ¡°Just a word of warning as to what happens to people who peeve the Corporal Some of these men with him have varying degrees of infamy. Dennis the Dag, Iron Peter, Peeter the People Eater and The Bastard of Ballentryte. As someone who makes a living with my manholes and my giblets I can''t go risking my ass-sets. Please Martin sweetheart let''s kiss his ass then get on our way to the Feast.¡± Velour said batting his rather long eyelashes The best dressed man then spoke with gravity to Eustace and Stephan while looking them in the eye. ¡° My father sends his regards Eustace he wishes you''d think about working for him. He said you were a cagey fucker with balls as big as his. If you ask any whore in the city they''ll tell you nobody has larger or more deformed sack or is a worse lay than Alexandros Mentula. Machismo I think that is what they call it in the south. My father gives you much respect¡± Martinmos continued ¡° My men are rude and I am no better. Please ignore the fact you saw us and in the future let''s endeavor not to cause further indemnity between our businesses.¡± he extended his fist horizontally in from of him. Almost like night and day I would swear his mother was fucking anyone but his father prior to his conception.. No way Thomas and this young man share genes. This fellow obviously has the brains to be able to read and a capacity to think critically. Eustace''s opinion was changing slightly about Martin.He extended his own fist to touch Martn''s. ¡° I would offer that your father''s sack is famous even in Inaard and that he is too flattering. I wouldn''t hesitate to say Th-Alexandros is far more astute in judgment of personnel to send on a politik trip than my own guild. He is a man worthy of respect and that many have grossly underestimated him to their detriment.¡± Eustace said lying through his teeth and smiling his ¡°Empire¡± smile the one he practiced for weeks before his fall from grace. ¡°I don''t like Steenq Town Tommy. I refuse to play up to his megalomania. I will not address him as Alexandros if the bugger wants to lick ass in the Empire then he can go tongue all the horses there. I fought the bastards for half my life. If he wants to practice licking ass he can lick mine before he goes to the horses.¡± Stephan turned on his toe then walked back to the cart before there was any kind of rebuttal from Martinmos. Spotty yelled and made the charge at the Corporal after he had gained some distance with his back turned. The Corporal dipped his hips low and came up with a smash aimed at Spotty''s under chin after he had over extended himself in an attempt to stab Stephan''s neck. It connected and Spotty got laid the fuck out. The Corporal reached down to check for a coin purse and found it. He took out a couple of tin pennies and threw them down on the man''s chest. Standing upright straddling the man Stephan dropped his own trousers and pissed on the man''s face. Lacing up his trousers then putting the coins from Spotty into his own purse he walked away. He barked at the two Peters ¡°Hey motherfuckers we got shit to do. Quit trying to stroke each other''s cocks. They got a bonafide rent boy in their party and a cock gobblin preening piece of new money shit traveling with them, they are set. The rest of you arseways side- breeched birth- mongoloid- shit breath- mooseknuckled- cunt nugget- semen farting- pube heads need to get this camp broke the fuck down and on the road in ten minutes... with all due respect Eustace that goes for you too you geriatric, great grandmother sheep shaggin, smegma tasting, timetable bitchin muff blasting...-¡±The Corporal''s men broke into action. Martinmos was smirking. ¡° I take back what I said you win.¡± ¡°What exactly did I win?¡± asked Eustace genuinely puzzled. ¡°Your man is ruder than all of mine put together and I am sure he is more dangerous. If he wasn''t so disrespectful and more flexible he might have advanced past corporal. So all in all Eustace your men ar both better and far worse than my own. BB looks like the party is breaking up. Is Bacon Miester taking you in his wagon or are you riding with me? I think I''ll hop on with you keep you out of shit. Somebody has to when I am not around. Now you want to talk to me bitch? I figured I give you some time to absorb and to mull. Have you given any thought to building a shrine for me? How about making an offering huh? Do you not love me anymore? She is high maintenance fatboy. But dammnit I think she''s worth it. Maybe BB could be your high priest or some shit Carmen. With that thought finished I heard War Daddy whistling for my attention.He took a small sack tied to a leather thong then draped it over my head. BB and I sat down on the wagon which our irritated driver mounted and we continued on the road. Obvious Answers I had shook the pouch around my neck and heard it jingle. Inside it were a rusty iron ring, a copper coin,and a small piece of parchment with an insignia scrawled on it that looked like a blue bird of some kind. Followed by what might''ve been writing I put it back into the pouch and I assumed was pretty much ¡°if found please return me to¡± there was a lot worse than having some friends who wanted you back. Two more days passed much the same as the first when I started riding the wagon. I was just bored as hell. With the exception of the occasional tree limb falling in the trail which our soldiers made short work of there was nothing to break the tedium. I noticed that the soldiers weren''t slack in their situational awareness. The brothers came by once gibbering good naturedly before War Daddy barked at them. Then it was eyes front and they took off at a gallop some distance down the road. We aren''t out of the woods just yet I wish the boys could remember that. Stephan was cross that the youngsters weren''t following training or the hard ass example that he had informed the rest of the men to set. They are lucky that the weren''t in the regiment. Maybe the regiment is lucky that they aren''t. He rode from his position by the fifth wagon to the lead to speak with Eustace. Looking straight ahead on the road, and sipping on a skin of well watered red that had mostly turned to vinegar before he added the water Eustace was thinking about which gate had the shortest line for entrance into the city and about what guards he knew at which gates that would be least likely to search for contraband that he was assured that was on his employees. He heard a rap on his door which broke him out of his speculating. Opening the hatch he turned to Stephan ¡° Ah what can this geriatric do for you?¡± he asked camly with a twinkle in his eyes ¡°You know I meant very little by that comment I am sorry I said you liked to fuck granny sheep but I couldn''t be around those Golden Pot cockersuckers for a moment longer and broke up the meeting the best way I could.¡± ¡°I kenny that so I repeat what can I do for you?¡± ¡° The boys got some items that they don''t want to declare was wondering if we can open a barrel or two to put them in?¡± Stephan asked respectfully. ¡° I was just thinking when that was going to come up... What do they got? Will I get a cut?¡± ¡°Rough cut topaz and amber, one has a fire mole pelt, heart of a kobold. Not to mention good old fashioned potives that do fuck all . When I spoke to you about selling some things for me earlier at the Pail I was talking about these items as will as what the giant had gotten from the gobs.¡± ¡° You know what split the gobs open put the shit in their guts and call it a day. I''ll see if Gnadst might want the corpses. As for the potives and such I assume they are unlabeled so stuff them in with the twice backed and rotgut. Travel rations not for sale are non taxable. We''ll bring the train to right outside the Pail then I''ll speak to him.¡± ¡°That''s a great idea the gnome might want some goblin bones to jump. As ugly as gnomes are I figure necrophilia is right up their alley.¡± ¡°If Gnadst heard you say that you might find out first hand. I wouldn''t put it past him to find some perverts in the city that''d pay good money for your dead asshole.¡± ¡° He''d have to provide my corpse first. He''d also need to be alive to collect any money.¡± ¡° I''d say it would be too close to call Stephan. The gnome has secrets you don''t know about. He makes corpses one day and sells them the next. We are many things. Criminals by most definitions. We commit said crimes for profit and we avoid certain areas of ¡°trade¡± because it''s reprehensible in our eyes. The Gnome is a graverobber, a fence, and a reputable banker/merchant. He isn''t a liar his word is good.¡± ¡°As long as you are dealing with him and not me I''m happy.¡± With that Stephan stopped his horse passing the word to his men as they continued on the road then fell back into place in the train. The boys came back from up the road at a bit of a gallop. Then made their report. ¡°Saw a big amount of debris up ahead didn''t get too close smells like an ambush.¡± said Armando in a whisper to Stephan. ¡°Who the hell is freelancing this close to Steenq? You reckon that fop Martin got off a link to someone to make company happen?¡± asked Braynard ¡°Not a fucking clue but if he did that rabble won''t have shit going for it but numbers.¡± said the Corporal with venom. ¡° Ok Drivers you know the drill get out the crossbows and make them ready. Shoot only if it is a sure shot. Armando,Braynard you stick close to the Giant. Grab a shovel and had it to him the Gob spear ain''t gonna be worth a shit and the shovel only slightly better. I need Peter, Peeter, Dennis, Green, Red, and Blue to form a vanguard with me keep loose and mobile we can only assume that if those Pot stickers weren''t drunk off their asses they saw the boys. The rest SOP 3 Thirnic supply convoy. Remember your training and we''ll all be balls deep in some fatties tonight.¡± The assigned vanguard split off at a fast trot spread intervals of about 8 feet two by two columns with the Corporal in lead. The boys came back close to me. The were a little on edge but tried to hide it. Just like airmen first day on the roof. They handed me a short handled spade with a nod. I gripped it white knuckled. It wasn''t like War Daddy made any friends with that other group two days ago. BB you smell anything? I smell the Gulf, I smell woodsmoke , I smell this bacon man, oh and I smell strange people smell. You smell strangers? Do any of them smell like the others we saw couple days back? Yeah one of them also smells like War Daddy piss man. How many? Lots bro. With a grunt I got the attention of the brothers. Made a waving circle with my right arms in an attempt to let them know we had company. The giant was going crazy his dog was barking. Waving his arm around and chuffing. ¡°Braynard shut the big man up. He is distracting us all.¡± ¡°I think He is trying to tell us something.¡± ¡°What like he wants more liquor?¡± His chuckle was cut short by an arrow passing into the top of his collarbone. BB get down behind this barrel. Stay low. Not for all the bacon in the world will I get up. I am under no illusion that I am a hero so I planned to try to keep as low as I could. Unfortunately my body told me otherwise I felt this deep pool of energy welling from my toenails to the tips of my luscious mullet. I had no pain in my body anymore. I felt a vibrations in my belly. I think I had a hard on again. Curse of Bloodlust(Active)- Attacks do 20% more damage for the next 30min. Bleed effects increased, stamina consumption increased, Pain negation 15%. 05% chance cardiac arrest. Oh shit big bro is hit... ok it''s in his collar bone might not be that deep. What the fuck is up with the Giant''s eyes they are rolled into the back of his head his mouth is frothing.... Eustace heard the same roar he heard that first afternoon. Must be under attack at the rear... he touched the amulet on his neck it lit up red. Fucking great dead spot. Coast to Coast coverage my shriveled right nut. Can you hear me now? Fuck nobody can... like ever. He opened his ¡°glove box¡± removed a false bottom then proceeded to check his tools. Shortened Flame rod, couple of Quartz boom balls, three flashers, Scroll Of Panic, Scroll of Summoning (Unspecified), and some Orc testicles for ¡°stamina¡± He also had a warpstone in his coin pouch in case shit got FUBAR. Always pays to have some insurance. Besides the eight that we saw clearly at the barricade guess nobody else was here. Dispatched those at bow distance. His men had already dismounted to clear the debris when they heard the roar. His men remounted and were on their way back to the caravan. The Giant was demon touched. His eyes were rolled back into his head and the bulge in his pants clearly meant he wanted to rape someone. BB couldn''t reach Joe. He was hearing a long tone and a chiming sound every time he tried. He looks so happy though maybe I''ll let him do what he do. Good idea. I can''t reach him either. So it''s like that time when he goes into the bathroom ,cuts on the classical music and I hear him moaning in the shower. Yes BB just like that. About that time Joe was engaged with a bandit armed with a dagger. Joe''s shovel connected with the man''s forearms crossed over his mid section then knocked him backwards. My fucking forearms are numb. Sam thought Why didn''t I dodge like I''d normally do? When the man roared I almost felt rooted. In the split second to complete that thought the spade came crashing down on Sam''s head ending his thoughts forever. From the treeline some 30 odd feet away one of Sam''s cohorts was taking aim at the Giant''s exposed back with his shortbow. Big fucker is sloppy and getting tired. It connected with the big man''s midsection. Almost center mass, but instead of dropping like he was supposed to he charged like a wounded bison then through his spade at his attacker. The bandit dodged the errant spade. The giant was on him in a flash gouging out his eyes large thumbs boring into his brain. Yep definitely not freelancers. These men are sailors, most likely the dregs of a man o war or merchant marine. Men drummed out for ill discipline or failure to meet the master at arms standards. Stephan thought with disgust at watching these men fight terrible amateurs. Worse than Hog night at the Parlor. Pound for pound those ladies move much better than these waste of manseed. ¡° Support the others where needed Peet and Pete your with Eustace I gotta see to the boys SOP 3 gents.¡± Stephan was looking for the boys at the 2nd wagon Braynard had Armando laid out on the wagon with his feet up trying to keep him awake. Boys are ok. Where is the Fatboy? Oh good gods... I more or less came and came to the conclusion that I was eating a piece of someone''s cheek while I was ¡°titty- fucking¡± him. I collapsed like a very moist limp balloon. Curse of Bloodlust abated. Sloth Condition Active Bleeding effect Active. Damn you ranked up Curse of Bloodlust, +1 Str,+1END. I felt lips upon my mouth. I thought maybe I was phased in between whatever realm Carmen lived in and the ¡°real world¡± so I pushed back against the lips with gusto. Then I reached a hand out against where some titties should be. Instead of those exultant 44DDs I put on Carmen in my mind I grasped a hard bit of leather. It was flat and rough nothing like silky smooth and firm chest torpedoes I wanted. I reached higher no long locks I breathed deep through my nostrils no ambient scent of coconut nor even lilacs... I opened my eyes War Daddy was above me giving me the Kiss of Life. He looked at me dumbstruck for a moment then his hands were pinching the sides of my throat cutting off my carotids. ¡° Dad, Dad, Why''d you kill him? I thought we was trying to save him?¡± ¡°Don''t worry about him he''s breathing. What I did boys was known as a blood choke if applied for a 6 count or thereabouts can render the victim unconscious. If held for an 8 count will most likely kill the chokee.¡± ¡° Dad, sorry Corporal you held him for 11 at my count.¡± ¡°Well Braynard 20 compressions to his chest. Three breaths to his mouth. Repeat it until he regains his breath. You were the one that wanted to be line medic for this outing fucking get to it.¡± I know he was he was almost to the Golden Halls... maybe making out with Fulla herself. But if that bastard had given the tongue he would have been introduced to the Counter Insurgency Prohibited Manual''s tender ministrations. Armando needs practicum on that. I think the whole group needs to observe some of it. Useful in our line of business. Battle Line Dentistry another good practicum. ¡° Boys get the oaf roused and bring yourselves over to the ¡°bandits¡± that we left alive.¡± 32 total roughnecks were accounted for that attacked the convoy. With the 8 dead at the blockade that meant 24 had hit the caravan. According to reports their presences were cloaked that meant one of three things: All of them had enough woodcraft to learn Hide (No) these cockgobblers were Merchant Marines or most likely pirates that got tired of the brine. Two of them had harpooners marks on the wrists. Scrolls(Unlikely) for 32 scrolls the cost would be astronomical unless they knew beyond a reasonable doubt that we had more than Salt pork. Mage(Possible) although more than one mage would be needed to fully insure that the group stayed cloaked. The Giant is an enigma. His warcry according to the after action briefing had caused a rooted effect in some attackers as well as giving early warning reducing our casualties to a dead horse two drivers and Allen. Allen was really too old to be making the routes anymore but the old war horse wouldn''t stop now he gets to grope busty Fulla in the Golden Halls. Two prisoners awaited his tender loving care. You awake alive fatboy? Yes I am in too much pain to be dead. Also I ain''t got Carmen tickling my fartbox. I heard that. Ungrateful shit. What should I be grateful for have you done anything for me besides making it where my dog can insult me in words I can understand? Fine I wanted to wait until you built me a shrine at least but here it is.
Name Race STR END INT WIS HP MP
Joe Terran 25This book''s true home is on another platform. Check it out there for the real experience. 11 18 6 15/110 80/150
BB Doggy 1 2 20 17 20/20 200/200
DEX AGI CLASS Skills LV
Joe 7 7 Transfer 1 Curse of Blood 1
Berserker 2 Link
BB 10 28 Transfer 1 Scent 1
STM Scout 1 Link
Joe 5/40
BB 70/70
Fuckin serious I got a status screen now? Ingrate. You know I am new at this shit. Fuck it I am burning off your eyebrows. That is about the worst I can do to you for now. If you build me a shrine and get some faith built up I can work miracles but as it stands now I got 0 juice son. So you are good for fuck all then? Gee thanks... sorry I''m under a lot of stress I need a hug. You are just going to grab my ass if I hug you... She is so much smarter than you fatboy. Fuck off puppy dog can''t a man and his goddess share a team/ trust building exercise with strictly platonic ramifications. Probably man but you forget she can read your thoughts and mine man. Come on make a pervert happy... Why did I get stuck with such a child... I leaned in for the motor boat got slapped. I didn''t grab your ass. We can build a bridge from that. ( Throat clears) (Louder) ¡° What motherfuckers I am in the middle of what could be considered worship.¡± I yell The Boys are close to me give me another flask of that foul shit they drink. HP+3 Nausea condition applied. Fought urge to vomit resistance to sickness +1% I get messages too? What do you think? Why? Because I ransacked your brain for concepts that would be familiar. This is your Perception of reality on this Plane. Other transfers have had their brains melt from not being able to adapt. Due to you being a ¡°neckbeard basement dwelling slugtroll¡± that existed to play games and get twisted. You were somewhat more adapted than others might be. Think of me as being your life support system so far. I have prevented the air you are breathing from killing you simply because you have no immunities to the flora that exist here. I have helped to guide you to a place where you could most likely find others to help you. So yes with my limited resources I have done my utmost to insure your survival. She appeared weeping. I almost had felt sorry for her. Ah naw bitch we done went through this you are a parasite in a symbiotic relationship with your host. Me and the BB. We in this together. I''ll say thank you for everything but you are keeping me alive for your benefit too. I try to stand on my own but I can''t Big bro has his arm in a sling I pass back the now empty flask and Bandages helps me to roll over. From there it was a slow torturous journey from knees to feet which ended in me pissing myself.; I lean onto Bandages as best I can we walk over to War Daddy and WhiteBeard. Two men were laid belly down on the ground with their fingers interlaced behind their heads. ¡° Just answer the questions. NO guff NO cryptics NO shit you kenny?¡±Stephan said in his parade ground whisper ¡° I ain''t Kenny name of Donald¡± murmered one That bought him a jumping stomp onto his right foot from the Corporal. ¡° Savvy up cockgobblers I am still trying to be a gracious host. You are my guests right now. I can be far more hospitable.¡± ¡° Fuck off limp dick ain''t nothing scaring us about you nancies. Leastways understand if we copper to our employer then we get a slow death either way.¡± ¡°Well my sons needed to learn how to do this anyways. Chet give us your toolkit I figure battleline dentistry can be taught in conjunction with a torture practicum.¡± The Boys bring me over to the circle around our captives. The prisoners were then brought upright and tied to the nearest wagon. A small square box was passed on to Bandages. I was left to lean on Big bro. Bandages opened the box and removed a small punch and hammer. He walked up to one of the prisoners and attempted to remove a front tooth by putting the punch on said too but the prisoner was turning his head and squirming so much that it proved difficult. War Daddy got impatient and took the hammmer from him and motioned for the brothers to swap places. He then handed the hammer to Big Bro and pointed at the man''s shin. No hesitation whatsoever a quick precise blow to the fibula it dished in then dangled. Then began the cursing ,the screaming, the pleading, the whimpering, the praying,and finally the shivering. He then called Bandages back over to set the bone then splinted it. The process repeated with the other leg. Both prisoners had pissed themselves and the injured one smelled of shit. Vomit was threatening to boil out from my mouth. The other prisoner looked on in horror as the injured one had forearms broken and reset. The injured man had passed out at this point from the pain and Bandages got his punch back out to start knocking out teeth. The little man was loud thank god er well gods... ¡° Corporal I think I cracked one.¡± ¡°Baynard that''s the reason we practice this shit on prisoners ok. Get the pliers out if you need to trim back the gums with your dirk. Do I have to hold your hand with everything. Don''t stop until you get all of them out. That fucker is going to be eating mush or semen for the rest of his days.¡± ¡°Remind me to never become one of your prisoners Stephan.¡± Eustace said with a look of distaste. ¡° I''d expect you to have some manners and tell me answers quickly Eustace you''re smarter than these inarticulate,uncommunicative wastes of ejaculation. Whoresons your mothers should have swallowed you or else your fathers should have finished in your momma''s anus. Once you''d tell me what I needed to know I''d slit your throat like any decent man would.¡± ¡° So you''d have done that for them if they''d come clean at the beginning?¡± ¡°Hell no they tried to kill my boys. Shelia''d done way worse to me if I told her one of the boys died. As it stands they are lucky I only got a minuta or two. Unless you are telling me I can take all day?¡± The Corporal said in a sacchrine sweet sing song pleading tone. ¡°Just get on with it. Anyone not interested should be picking up all the ironmongery and salvagable detritus. Profit first and foremost.¡± War Daddy cut off the tip of the conscious ones finger the unholy sound that followed was not pleasant he tossed the fingertip to me on reflex I caught it. I will admit to a sick fascination with the thought of eating human flesh; at this moment I thought what the hell so I popped it into my mouth and began to chew. The blood was tangy and the flesh was textured similar to raw beef. I spit out the bone and swallowed. +1hp Cannibalism Perk initiated. Can regain lost health from eating the flesh of human beings. As others come to know of your cannibalism will cause fear and disgust. Beware of overuse as it will cause both madness and pursuit by priests who seek to purge the unclean. This fucker is an animal, hahaheheheh. I meant to get a bit of squeam out of him instead the bastard eats the bit. I hope my prisoner was watching. From the look on his face he was. Corporal took a leather thong out of a side pouch on his belt and tied off the stub of finger. ¡° That''s Kraan. Barbarian prince of the south. An unfathomable sack that one. I didn''t know human flesh was something he''d bite on ha ha ha heh but he was eating a goblin''s face the first time we met him. I would think that human would be a bit tastier seeing as how we generally stay away from ingesting carrion. Our flesh also would be a bit fatter than a scrawny gob. If you don''t name any names I might just let Kraan have at you. You seen how excited he gets when he has something to fight. He might want to get frisky before he eats you little bit of cream filling maybe some double stuffed oily buns if you will. I''ll hit you betwixt the eyes with this hammer while you are blindfolded and I will take your undefiled corpse back into Steenq for the sea rite if that is what you wish I just need a name.¡± ¡°What about Donald?¡± ¡°He would have had this chance as well but as it stands I will try to sell him off as a temple eunuch. If that fails I leave him tongueless, toothless, and broken on the streets of Steenq with a sign around his neck naming him a bandit.¡± ¡°It was a man in a hood, what came to us a few days ago. Me and Donald that is. Out on the quay late at night . We was drinking by the dinghies. Had us out the old barrel and dice with some pilot''s bread as the wagers. We was flat broke. Well I am getting off course here. He smelled real posh like. Rose water and really clean hands. His voice sounded pretty much like a young boy''s. He asked how many loose coves we knew what''d like to make some real glint. We said how much 10 silver a head up front and more to be decided later if what got what they was after later. Said the more we could get the better and that we needed at least twenty men to stand a chance. I knew some boys from the press gangs, a few that cut some throats for drinking coin, Donald over there sailed with Red Tide once upon a time and knew some right bastards, and friends of friends we got close to got about 15 men then we met with three other crews. Thought we had hard men. The rest you know.¡± ¡°You know nothing about the person who hired you other than he/ she smelled like a whorehouse?¡± ¡°Um that''s about the size of it.¡± ¡°Well that''s not good enough give us something else to work with. Think hard it''s almost dinner..¡± ¡°Well I heard him speak to some fellas in another group, vaguely sounded Empiric I know a little because of my travels but nothing of what they were saying amounted to anything I knew cepting on the 8th of next month there is a ship coming to berth 9 from Goliad. The sweet smellinng one was really happy to be talking about that.¡± With that said the Corporal hit the man above the bridge of his nose without warning. He put the hammer into his belt and lifted the man on his shoulder and walked towards the end of the train. Why did you decide that eating part of a strange man was a good idea? Yeah man he could have had worms now you''ll be dragging your ass on the carpet later. You think we are going to end up anywhere near carpet? If we do why would you think I''d drag it on the floor? Worst cause scenario I''ll... I don''t know what I''d do not like I could go to a pharmacy. Carmen if I got worms could you purge them from my system? Yes I''d string it out over a period of time to make you wish you were dead. Gee thanks. So could you keep me from getting worms in the first place? As it stands now most mundane infestations of parasites are not possible. Meaning no ticks, no chiggers, no fleas.... Provided they are not magically induced yes. So basically me and BB can pretty much eat any raw meat we want? Within reason. If you were to eat no shit rancid meat I could keep bugs out of you, help to keep out some life threatening pathogens, but do nothing to really help with your body''s natural repulsion to said meat or the taste for that matter. You might want to be taking your seat looks like it''s wagons ho again. How do you know that phrase? Like I said I sifted through both of your memories to assess your ¡°abilities¡± and to gain some topics for banter and further communication between us. So wait everything? Well she knows I piss on everything and hump pillows when I am bored. Yes BB you both do. I was surprised that you guys haven''t killed yourselves with the poisons and lack of healthy activities. Carmen don''t you know that god looks out for Drunks Fools and Babies? Flavors and Lighting Information about Thirn About the Kingdom of Thirn. It is a feudal state with two major cities Steenq and Inaard. It used to be considerably larger before the War of the Whorehouse(Yes officially called such because war was declared in a whorehouse over who had precedence to both the throne of Thirn and the ¡°3 hole¡±of the whore in contention by virtue of his or her kingship.) After the winner had been proclaimed the 2nd War of The Whorehouse was fought 2 years later this time for the reason of who had first rights to have his ¡°3hole¡± violated by a whore named Bagingo Face Laroo . The whore impaled both of them so badly with (insert correct pronoun here) penis that both had bled out in minutes. The succession was inconclusive erupting into yet another war. More territory was lost both to the Empire and to the goblinoid hordes. A queen was crowned because she found the royal chamberpot that bore a strikingly similar likeness to her own. She married an old despot that thought removing all the hairs one by one from someone''s body was appropriate after dinner entertainment. He died from sepsis, which was brought on from the ingestion of hair.The current Lord of Inaard is the de facto ruler of the kingdom. His ancestor had married into the last house that ruled the kingdom. After the Empiric Wars that lasted 30 years it was decided that the current lord would hold a chair in stewardship until a moot of the continent could be held to proclaim his legitimacy. To keep the tenuous peace both at home and abroad he has not called forth the moot. Inaard is the capital city. Home of slaughter houses, stock yards, a sizeable indoor marketplace for all manner of meat products. Its magicians are mostly tied up in preventing the spoilage of meat. Ice mages are in the majority. Technology level would be comparable to our late medieval Employment rates are fluctuating. Dependent mainly upon the stock that is brought in. As such many dwellers have multiple trades almost all have worked in the meat industry, involved with city, county, and country infastructure. Roads are excellent in the Kingdom. Trade is Bandits are few because the syndicates in charge of crime in the cities as well as the scattered local ¡°Condotta¡±( Men who are associates of the syndicates in the countryside and villages) generally either recruit the would be bandits into the fold or else find them a job then get a small kickback for finding the men jobs. Steenq the major port of the kingdom. It trades abroad mainly with the Empire to the south and Boombasa past the northern wastes. Steenq much like the capital has a fluctuating labor force that is dependent upon the seasons for both work and size available. All residents are both men of the horse and sea. Salt production and shipping are main areas of employment. Magic used to preserve meat is rather expensive so salt is still the preferred method in the production of travel rations. It serves as a seasoning of course among other things. Not much of note to be said about Steenq other than it has never been taken by a foreign power and it can influence the whole country economically. Thirn is in a state of alert at all times able to mobilize the whole country through a series of couriers and watch towers within 3 days.Unauthorized duplication: this narrative has been taken without consent. Report sightings. Crime- most crime operates on the principals of avoiding taxes via political manipulation or by laundering(grey) thievery(blue) unlicensed magic(orange) assaults/assassination(red) smuggling(black) kidnapping/extortion/ loansharking(green) a syndicate will be referenced by the color of their primary means of revenue. Square Deal Merchant Consortium are mainly Greymen that do dabble in orange black and very seldom red. Golden Pot are Greenmen with sidelines an equal mix of Red and Black. Rusty Pail are Blackmen that flash Red quite bit with a thin green streak. Although most syndicates will operate in all colors of the Rainbow as the needs arise it is strictly professional courtesy to allow specialists to do what they are suited for. Blue is pretty much left up to street level crews looking to move up in the world but all Condotta and Colored Men will be willing to look at stolen goods to turn a quick profit. Magic is the purview of mages. It is a heavily regulated industry. Copyrights on spells, offensive pre-fabbed magic usually a no go. Such as Eustace''s "sawed off fire rod", his light balls and 12 sided quartz explosives.(Article)These items are not meant to reach the general public''s hands because of both the expense and danger that could come from the misuse of such items. These goods come one of three ways. Usually failed apprentices or self study''s will approach a Colored Man with a proposal protection from other mages in exchange for their incomplete knowledge and abilities in making an Article. Another is to get a mage into debt forcing them to either steal Articles for your organization or make X number for your use. The last is to steal them yourself or to find some in ruins. Smuggling- stolen goods and those with high tariffs into the cities are prime choices for smuggling. Also people may need to be brought into or out of a city at a moments notice unseen. Not many substances that exist as drugs have been found and labeled dangerous/profitable enough to have their use curtailed tobacco, tea, certain seasonings and herbs,and coffee being exceptions. Colored Men have a vested interest in keeping the current status quo. i.e. not wanting management to change the government is fat happy lazy and perfectly content to live and let live. Changes in syndicate management are common and usually brutal for both the defeated as well as the victor. Sometimes organizations fall to pieces because of an ill timed coup. Declarations of war amongst syndicates are rare for the previous reason stated. Sometimes they are out in the open and take a long time. At others a knife in the dark on your way home from a dice den. ¨C--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -Janus Weaver Deccanus (Retired) Thirnic Spec Ops Condotta and Greenman in Forbins Steenq I helped move some tree limbs out of the roadway ahead with Bandages. They were cut into small enough pieces to handle with no trouble. The convoy moved out of the woods into flat pasture land. It reminded me of pictures of Mongolia or perhaps Montana. There were horses and longhorned cows everywhere. All of the stock was branded like in old westerns, hindquarters for the cows and on the forelegs for the horses. The horses were different breeds some were large and powerful like draft horses while others were looking like the scrub ponies or typical American mustangs. See there BB watching all those westerns were not a waste of time. Getting stoned and chilling is never wasted time broski. The larger ones are meant to be used as chargers. The smaller are steppe ponies used as skimishers and for most draft work around the kingdom. I thought you didn''t know shit about this place? Logic would say that these animals are used thusly. Both from the historical examples in your homeworld and from the animals that are being used in the caravan. What historic examples I would just get fucked up and game sometimes watch tubes or surf the wiki? There is not much wrong with your mind Joe you are just unfocused and undirected. At home you were unhappy so you''d get shitty and be bored. Afterwords you''d surf the web an over your lifetime millions of images and billions of words have imprinted themselves into your brain. I have only just touched the surface of what you know not to mention what you are capable of doing. If I were to drop all of what you know onto you right now at once though it would fry your tiny brain. You''re telling me that I remember everything but it would crash my system because I don''t have enough ram to handle it? Cool so by having you here you can boost my capabilities. Essentially that is correct but please don''t get your expectations too high. The information is highly fragmented and I am seeing mostly naked women of all sizes and races for your imagery in your head. More than a few schematic drawings for electronics. Words are just a jumble and a blur until I can find more context to use them in. ¡°Armando does the giant look more vacant eyed than usual right now?¡± ¡°I don''t know he gets like that sometimes even a shit eatin grin every now and then Dad says the bastard is touched like in a weird way. Like we should keep an eye on him. He said treat him like a retarded mongoloid brother. I mean cockeyed bastard eat somebody for us if we needed him to.¡± ¡° Don''t rightly know if I''d want a brother like that. What if he''d eat us in our sleep?¡± ¡°Dad said no worries bout that if the giant wanted to eat us he''d most likely have tried something already like when you was alone with him. Besides he eat normal food, if you''d call chip beef and twice bake food or normal.¡± A whistle was signaled to let the caravan advance. I heard the whistle that snapped me out of my reverie. I gave one last wistful look at the stock when I beautiful dun stallion with a piebald face came into view it was strange in the sense that it was unmarked without a brand and that it had a solid black horn growing from its forehead. Frickin unicorn a fucking unicorn BB unicorn unicorn... I got it man but shit we saw methmouthed motherfuckers in the forest what''s weird about a horny horse man. Never mind BB when you put it like that... \ Why is there a horselord down here what could have drawn his interest thought Stephan. The unicorn stopped in front of the Giant and ran away. Unicorns are skittish by nature. Solitary and seeking solitude. Few men have ever seen one. Fewer still have gotten a good look at one. The smelly Giant practically could have touched that one''s muzzle. Just as fast as it arrived it was gone. More mysteries about the giant. I really would like to know what his story is I really hope it is going to be worth it to keep him around. When the second wagon caught up with me I hopped onto the back War Daddy was driving the cart because we had went down a driver in the attack. The dead man was placed in the last cart with the Gobs and the prisoner''s corpse the last man was also on the cart with the bodies which I am quite sure are starting to smell awful. The dead guard''s also on the back wagon. His gear is up here on the wagon with me and so is the saddle. The other wagons are also filled with the excess weapons and gear from the attackers. Right now I barely got any room to shift sideways on it but it beats the hell out of walking. The horse that dies was skinned and butchered by the cook so I am sure it will be horse meat tonight for dinner. The scenery is beautiful and so is the weather although a bit nippy as all I have on are my boxers. It seems like we are slowing down as I look forward I see a really big wall no really accurate way of judging it''s size from this distance but it looks like it is easily 5 times the height of the wagon closest to it. It also seems to have a line that stretches from the gate to no end. Damnit I knew it would be bad but it seems like it is worse every time I wonder what the grand muckity shit stick has thought to search for now or tax. May his penis rot from the inside out. By sea you''d bribe the commodore. At least it''d be a fair one and you''d be good for a week. With the land route you''d grease the gate then you''d have customs and finally the stamp man. NO wonder everybody with brains and loose morals tries to go through the portside. Thought Eustace the guys that try to live straight tend to get bent over while those what is bent strives to screw you straight. Legally the city could and did tax the hell outta goods from overland. Mainly because it competed with the goods from the port and that they got zero support from the capital for providing for the defense of the port and city. Without money coming from somewhere how could they afford to run army and navy. Short answer they couldn''t hence the cold war between the Commodore and the Guvnor. Stephan looked over the line with distaste and a thought. ¡°I''m headed to the front of the line to see what is going on Eustace.¡± He rode to the wall and approached a nearby guard. ¡° I knew it was Tuesday and I figured that the rotation would still be unchanged Eric. How''s life been?¡± ¡°Rather shitty Stephan what can I do for you?¡± ¡°Feel like slipping me a pass to go in through a postern with say a half dozen wagons?¡± ¡°What could possibly motivate me to write out an illegal set of orders allowing you to by pass three palms that would otherwise be greased?¡± ¡°How about I make your pat of butter three times as thick?¡±This story has been taken without authorization. Report any sightings. ¡°How creamy we talking?¡± ¡° A silver penny.¡± ¡°Rates are higher right now than ever make it 5 or no deal.¡± ¡° Cut the shit you''ll take 1 or else I get upset. You know walls and locks never keep me out. Besides if I really wanted it badly those orders could be forged back at my wagons. I am trying to extend some professional courtesy to a former comrade in arms.¡± ¡°Ok 1 silver to get you past the walls but give me 2 and you''ll get some information to go with it.¡± ¡°What kind of information would be worth a silver to me?¡± ¡°The kind of information that leads to a load of orange.¡± ¡°How much are we talking?¡± ¡°Show us the glint then you get the lighting huh.¡± Stephan flashed 2 silvers and tin penny. ¡°What''s the tinner for?¡± ¡°Breath mints.¡± ¡°Jackass'', Commodore and the Guvnor been getting really heavy at each other. Rumors are flying thick but each one wants to off the other if they can. Whoever is successful owns Steenq. Cut and dry I just hope to make some ching in the process. Next month a ship from Goliad is supposed to be coming into the harbor. The Guvnor wants us to be down on the Quays before the Commodore can get to it.¡± ¡°How is this going to be useful to me it''s merely rumor and also a month from fruition even if it plays proper? That aside thanks anyways.¡± Stephan held out his hand to Eric with the clinkers flat in his hand. ¡°I do hope you buy those breath mints.¡± The guard took the coins then reached into an alcove in the wall to remove some vellum he scribbled a short missive onto the parchment then passed it to the Corporal. ¡° Go fuck yourself Corporal and by the by try to keep low key in town we are all on edge I''d hate to see more bloodshed than normal.¡± What the hell is taking so long I''d really like to get into town maybe get some clothes now that we are around people I really want to be covered up some more. Relax fatboy I walk around naked all the time. Besides I think anyone who saw you naked would look away rather quickly. I couldn''t agree more. You can''t even see your giblets past the Natty gut. She is roasting you. I smell burnt bacon... smoking. I want to choke you come here BB. The wagon starts moving again bypassing the long line I see at this gate. I finally get a good look at the walls they are even taller than I imagined up close. Men are stationed on the walls about every twenty feet. They are swarthier than my companions and are armed much the same their armor is all standard chain over leather with barbute helms. Large bronze cauldrons are positioned over the gates The gate we are going through is recessed deeply into the walls and it looks to be made of bronze as well. Barely wide enough for the wagon to fit through might be 3 inches of clearance and either side. I am getting hardcore eye fucked by the men on the other side of the gates. Almost like they are seeing an alien. Well we are kinda brah. We come in peace and all that shit. Now take us to your beer bones and bitches peasants. The whole place reeks of sewer and the streets are wide enough for 2 wagons to drive side by side also paved in cobblestones. Even though this thoroughfare seems to be kept in good order there are not many people moving about it but soldiers and a few men leading horses in pretty much what appears to be full body blankets. We are turning off the main road now and seem to be going down a pig trail without cobbles that reeks of stale beer and urine more so than the areas we passed earlier anyways. I could reach out and touch the white plaster walls of the buildings we pass between if I wanted. Every so often we hit a bump and I hear the sounds of breaking plates which I assume to be broken clay jugs that may have once held beer or some other such drink judging from the malodorous alley. When we emerge from one we go down another then yet some more that were fairly all the same except for their odors and the colors or materials of the building walls. We finally stop in front of a large wooden building that is painted the color of old blood and rotting away. Whitebeard steps out from his wagon and Wardaddy follows him to the building then waits by the door. The smell of fish is overwhelming and nondescript wooden buildings too many to count. Wooden jetties leading out from the shore abound practically everywhere. Dinghies and Johnboats are tied everywhere every so often a tiny sailboat or a multi-oared sleek trim long row boat pops in to break the trend. I hope he is in a buying mood. Thought Eustace quite frankly the gnome would buy off of him whether he wanted to or not but if the gnome was in a good mood prices might be better. He opened the door and a small bell tinkled to let them know someone was at the front. ¡°Be there in a moment just topping off the brine pots. Fair warning we are running low on finished product so both price and quantities would be better elsewhere.¡± Said a gravelly voice from behind the counter. ¡°Also if you are an excise man let me know so I won''t have to go back for my ledgers ok.¡± ¡°You old fraud expecting an audit any day now? You should let me know I could make that go away with a simple link. Although that might cost you more in the long run than paying the back dues or taking a vacation for a year or two come back under false papers...¡± ¡° Old fraud you called mewhat does that make you? Upstanding citizen or a Templar? You work for the king or at least prince of frauds. I got some tobacco in the other day class A stuff although it''ll have to dry out again and it may taste like seawater.... ok it''s seaweed but we might be able to angle this shit to some of the pretty petty ones.¡± ¡°I want to sell today not buy but if I look it over I might could come off the shiny for it. So far I think I have some rough cut topaz, amber, fire mole skin, ¡°magic potives¡±, kobold heart and two goblin corpses. Want to try to cut a deal?¡± ¡°I''d have to look them over but yeah we might could make it happen.¡± ¡°Got two goblin corpses a skink skin and some herbs not worth mentioning.¡± Gnasdt went to the back and yelled out some orders in gnomish Outside the doors to the warehouse were opened and the last wagon was waved into the building. The goods were viewed with an expert''s eye. ¡° Three silvers for the corpses, I''ll give one for the live one. I''ll do 8 silver on the skinkskin I''ll go 1 on the moleskin 1 on the kobold heart... so say 2 gold 5 silver for the lot on the wagon including the potives.¡± ¡° My calculations are thinking more like 5 gold. So let''s split the difference and let it go 4 huh?¡± ¡°Hell no that is way too high if you let me get a look at the knife I might hit in on some more.¡± At this point Eustace drew the small knife out of the back pack. Immediate recognition was upon his face. ¡°Where''d that come from?¡± ¡°The Giant picked it up from a dead gob same as the skinskin.¡± ¡°That''s Jonno''s knife. I gave it to him before he left he was meant to present it to the Bowleg''s chief and some other trade goods to pave the way for a fur trade in the future. Those miscreants have caught skinks and breed them for food. Skinkskin loincloths on gobs can you imagine? Hell of a waste.¡± ¡°Where is Jonno now?¡± ¡°I don''t know but he never came back... Don''t suppose you can send some of yours out to find him?¡± ¡°You know it''ll cost you I am thinking favors not coin.¡± ¡°Sure thing can you bring in this Giant so that I can question him? No I don''t mean to torture him¡± ¡°Well fat lot of good it''ll do you. He only speaks a corrupt for of a Prima.¡± ¡°I got the cure for that. Corpse worm.¡± ¡°What is that? How will a worm help.¡± ¡°In layman''s it is a soul that will pass through his body leaving residuals that will allow him to subconsciously absorb language and memories of the previous life the soul lived.¡± ¡°That''s prretty dark shit you know if it works?¡± ¡°It''s still theoretical if it does I could make a mint. So bring me my test subject.¡± Suggestions and Criticisms It would be nice if you guys would rate and send out suggestions. I am thinking of directions to take this without making the MC too OP. We have so damn much over powered shit out there today albiet I know he will have to get outrageously powerful to contend with GODS but I think that it would be fairly late that he''d be getting the access to this power. I think that an ability for three languages is not too far out of spec maybe make him a rogue berserker hybrid build or take it along the route of lone berserker amongst a sea of rangers/rogues that it seems to be on now. So please rate and comment... I am pretty much asking for a bone here.This text was taken from Royal Road. Help the author by reading the original version there. Dont Eat Da Worm Thanks everybody for the comments and advice. I tried to reply back but do not know if they appeared before your eyes. In an effort to become more concise and neater I will try to take all of it into account. 1.Chapters will be shorter. I will try to limit them to 2500 words or less. 2. Paragraphs will be shorter and speakers clearly Id at least once in the paragraph they are speaking in. The pattern of speech as well as the mannerisms will help Id speakers as well. 3. Gods speak in bold print. Carmen is in black print. Another god(ess) has spoken before but it was unknown to MC or anyone else it was in Blue. Text will change color in the event of gods speaking together. 4. The MC is a party boy/ un-stereotypical redneck from south Alabama. He is educated and intelligent but he has had a fog over his mind the goddess will help to bring him clarity. He is a 6''3¡± 320lbs man that is pretty much fueled by carbs and repressed rage at himself for his wasted potential. 5. That previously being said he will primarily still be prone to rages although with him being surrounded by the people around him he will end up with some talents that will branch off into rogue skills then maybe some magic skillsets later. 6. I know there will have to be rewrites,edits, and lots of fat trimming to make this a sleeker sexier story. Thanks for reading guys and if you want to get into contact with me to help me create this story with possible art help with some edits or rewriting or just spitball ideas to me leave me a comment and /or email josephbernard66 @ gmail.com. - Joe I was relaxing outside enjoying a cool breeze that brought in a moment''s respite of fresh air from the sea. Just the faintest notes of rotten fish were left in the air. I saw the door to the warehouse open up and out popped a little man. He reminded me of a gnome. His nose was oversized and he was slightly shorter than the men of the caravan. He was dressed in somber colors a gray button up shirt and undyed offwhite pants of the same material. I saw him and I couldn''t help but think Jew. Pencil neck conservative clothing dark curly sideburns. No funny hat. No bushy beard. But distinctly gave off the impression of Jew. He walked over to War Daddy and got into a conversation. War Daddy was unhappy to be speaking to the little man. He called out for Bandages. Bandages came to me then motioned for me to get off the wagon we followed the Little Jew inside. I entered the warehouse their were lots more of the little Jews inside. Most were dressed similarly to our escort some were wearing black jackets and hats with a red stripe on the cuff. These guys looked harder than the others. That is to say the others were soft looking but these guys gave scowls and grins that could match War Daddy. Most of these guys were engaged in carrying leather buckets to big copper pot stills. I don''t know what''s in the buckets but they are cooking something off. Three pots down I saw them scraping out a coarse white powder into burlap sack. We twist and turn down past some shelving and racks into what I assume to be a door to a back office. The Little Jew taps on the door then opens it and motions us into the room. I was right it is indeed a back office. The room was spacious, easily 30x30ft. A small short legged round desk that looked like it was made of walnut was in the back right corner. A plush leather chair was behind that. I noticed that there was no other chair in this room. A green carpet was under the desk but otherwise it was the same split log floor that the warehouse had. A large quill pen and shiny silver ink pot was on the desk in the middle. A small green bottle with a golden cup was set off to the right side of the desk. Braynard''s thoughts were wandering. Why the hell am I in a Nose business. I don''t hate them quite like dad does but then again they aren''t our people. Their food is bland, the music is worse, and I don''t think I ever saw one of the girls, if I did I bet they''d be prudes. Or they might be complete kinks which could be worse... urrgh. ¡°Protect my investment son.¡± Sure dad go right into the mouth of a murderin corpse raising Necro Beast. He looked up at the ceiling noticing the rust red spray patterns on it then looked down at the floor to see if a rust red puddle matched up below the spray patterns above him. His thoughts were interrupted by the door opening. Eustace entered followed by the strangest gnome he had ever seen. The gnome had auburn hair instead of the usual gray or dark brown. His eyes were hazel instead of dark brown. He wore florid colors and patterns of his clothing. Who the hell is that with White Beard? Holy shit BB there is a Leprechaun in here. Like that motherfucker on the cereal box man? Hell yeas but instead of green he''s wearing a yellow silk shirt and a sky blue linen pantsuit with dark blue paisley patterns on it and a pair of shit kicker boots. Shit BB I wonder if he''s got some lucky charms or a pot of that good good at the end of the rain bow.You might be reading a pirated copy. Look for the official release to support the author. Whitebeard and the Lucky came over to me. Lucky reached inside of his coat pocket then withdrew a small black lacquer box. He then passed the box over to me. Without thinking I couldn''t resist the urge to open it. I saw this pencil looking thing laying on top of a pink silk liner inside. I brought it to my face for a closer look. The pencil wiggled. I brought my face closer then closed my left eye to get a better look. The pencil leapt from the box then I felt it slither into my nostril. I could feel something swerving and zigging its way deep into my head where it curled itself into a ball at the front of my head all I remember intense pain and a whiteout. ¡°Holy shit it worked Eustace. Not bad for a first year flunk out at Magicae. I never even got into the Medicus.¡± said Gnadst with a chuckle. ¡°Is he dead? If He is you sir might have a problem dad wants this man alive. If he dies do I have to be the messenger Eustace?¡± asked the young man with some worry in his voice. ¡°Well I damn sure don''t want to tell him that his pet died. We got to get some shiny out of him before he passes on. So Gnadst is the big man alive?¡± queried Eustace. ¡°Ermmm. Let me check.¡± He removed a small mirror from his pocket. He then put it up under the Giant''s nose. Small fog formed on the mirror''s face. ¡°Rest easy young man the fat man lives. I wish he''d wake up though... I got just the thing to fix this. Boombasan corn likker. They claim it wakes the dead. Your man is only passed out. This stuff is vile. Practically makes rotgut look like the drink of socialite''s.¡± He then walked to the door and called out some orders in Gnomish. He sat down at his desk. ¡°I would say I am sorry that you don''t have any chairs to sit in, however this place is meant to make people uncomfortable. I could offer you some chealleh I have some left from this morning. If you don''t mind raw oysters I can have the boys bring some in in a flash or if you want to wait a few minutes they can pour off some of the by water to boil them into a soup or steam them for you. We are practically right on top of an oyster bed clams are easy to find around this time of day too. I know the big fucker is going to wake up after we get that Boombasan pisswater into him no doubt he''ll be hungry.¡± ¡°That won''t be necessary thank you anyways. You''d just deduct the food from the 4 gold that you owe me when you finally agree to buy my goods.¡± Eustace said dryly. ¡°Speak for yourself old man I am starving. I''ll be happy to pay him for some oysters do you know I never had any seafood. Besides I hear that oysters make your cock bigger.¡± Braynard responded with excitement. ¡°Well they make it harder so bigger is a given. You know what kid you made me laugh your oysters are half price.¡± Gnadst practically was out of breath laughing at this one. ¡° Scratch that both of you get free oysters and all of you a bath in warm bywater if we can settle this at 3 5 5 and 2.¡± ¡°That''s not really free you skinflint bastard. But hell you tempted me with a warm bath so 3 7 2?¡± ¡°Done. The pisswater should be here right about now.¡± Gnadst told Eustace. He went to the door when he heard the knock. He and the young gnome conversed some more in gnomish. The young man handed Gnadst a pouch and a big clay jug dark brown upper with a lower made of white ceramic on the bottle was an X. He passed the pouch to Eustace then walked over to the giant and knelt. He uncorked the bottle with a *poong* and poured a measure down the throat of the unconscious man. Why do I feel like I am 16 and at a pasture party again? I don''t know man but I am getting laid right now I''ll get back with you. Considering that you are passed out and a stranger is pour alcohol down your throat shouldn''t you wake up? Damn you think he wants some of this hotness? Nobody wants any of your sexy... It would be pity sex or else you''d be paying for it. Girl you want my chicken and to drink my man gravy. Wake up you fool... I rouse gasping for air Lucky has a jug out. ¡°Damn son that''s old school hillbilly shit right there. Nobody puts shiny in a jug no more... wait never mind .¡± I said that without quite thinking. I knew what the words I said were but they sounded wrong like far away and I was hocking quite a bit Laucky hocked right back at me it took a couple seconds for it to register what he said ¡°Like a native speaker praise be to Amazeal. Although it looks like some latency is on the receiving end to the user. But all in all it was a success.¡± Lucky switched gears into another language that I lagged on as well ¡°How about Thirnic? Can you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?¡± ¡°Yes I can... Why did you decide to pour white lighting down my throat and why is it that I can speak these languages?¡± I was genuinely curious if what I thought happened happened. ¡°He used you as a test subject for an illicit and highly immoral magical construct.¡± Whitebeard said with some amusement. ¡°His Thirnic is passable who did you kill to make the worm Gnadst?¡± ¡°It was a deadbeat that couldn''t meet quota I hate to kill off anyone but shitstain couldn''t hack it had to go considering he was my nephew someone else would have tortured the guy maybe got some information out of him really messy this way his death served a purpose.¡± ¡°So how is it I am able to speak now?¡± I asked ¡°You took on residual memories from my nephew. I have no way of knowing exactly what you know but I put enough chaining into the construct that it should have been limited to language skills maybe some basic navigation by stars. He was a cartagropher. Unfortunately mediocre at best which isn''t good for a business that relies on accurate timetables and proper directions.¡± said Gnadst. He paused for a moment then shook the jug at me . ¡°Care for another? I am going to ask you some questions later but food drink and some warm baths are being prepared for your traveling companions hopefully you''ll join them you smell like the road. Grime is not attractive. So I''ll leave you guys to it. Cheallah and oysters sound good? Maybe some bouillabaisse? Either way step out of my office and back to the warehouse. I have room for another two wagons in here if you want to bring one inside and start to cycle you people through the troughs.¡± ¡°Ironically you are both fearsome and kind... The price was for all of us a bite and a bath right?¡± ¡°Well I am soon to be audited. I did you a favor help me out. Eyyyy.¡± Gnadst said with a smile. Oroboros in my eye and the sexy lady in my head ¡°I suppose introductions are finally in order now that you can speak properly. My name is Eustace member in good standing of the Square Deal Merchant consortium. The boy that hass been pretty much inseparable from you is part of the Blue Ducks guild. The Blue Ducks are the security arm of the Consortium. His name is Braynard. The gnome was named Gnadst. We need to get my wagon inside and get sluiced off then eat a bite or two of dinner.¡± Eustace said all business. ¡°Ok, I have questions but from past experiences it might be best to wait.¡±I simply replied then I followed Eustace back out to the wagons. We saw War Daddy right outside the door as we came out. ¡°So how did it go down in the Nose hole? Did you have fun? I hope you didn''t piss yourself when you saw some of the shit in there. I bet he did wet himself a little back in the office. Eustace why does my Giant have heterochromatic eyes now I could have swore they were both blue now one of them is hazel. Know what nevermind.. My boy is back isn''t missing any important bits that I can see and the Giant is doing well and in fact more interesting as a display. Give us your best grunt big man *urrgh * maybe more like *ERGGG* ¡± ¡°How bout no... if you insist on calling me Giant I''ll call you War Daddy-¡± I was cut off with a blow to the diaphram too fast to see. ¡°First off bitch nobody tells me no. Secondly you will address me as Corporal, Boss or Bossman, or sir. So now grunt for me piggy.¡± He informs me matter of factly. I am wheezing doing my best to catch my breath. I let out a pig squeal ¡°Don''t tell me I got a purty mouth Dickhead. I''ll admit I was rude and your dick is bigger than mine but I kowtow to no one.Better dead than somebody''s bitch My name is Joe your royal dickcheeseness.¡± Eustace stood shocked Braynard had his mouth agape. The Corporal had veins popping out of his neck head and face. ¡°I should just sell you off the first chance I get Joe. Alarm Bells are ringing off in my head not to kill or maim you for some reason I feel you should be left alone. I should collar you but instead I''ll promote you you''re now a Blue Duck prospect. The next sign of disrespect or insubordination from you I''ll let Peeter break you. Come along Braynard let''s go back to your brother.¡± ¡°Before I forget Stephan baths and oyster soup has been arranged. Courtesy of Gnadst I might add.¡± said Eustace to the Corporal. ¡°Make the Giant eat first if he passes out dies or sweats blood no hair off my dick.¡± The Corporal replied flippantly. ¡°I thought you wanted to make back some money from displaying Joe?¡± ¡°A corpse would be cheaper to feed and a skeleton might be just as good as a display piece no smell like a corpse... On second thought I might kill him instead.¡± With that we parted ways I waited by the door while the others went about their business. Eustace came back to the door with the wagon and 6 of his men behind him. The Little Jew waited by the door next to me to receive the visitors. He spoke to me in gnomish ¡°My name is Fryderyk. What in the name of Almensch are you?Gnadst said you are chaos touched.¡± ¡°My name is Joe. I am human nothing more nothing less. I assume you are here to walk us to the troughs.¡± ¡°Indeed I am.¡± The gnome switched into Thirnic. ¡° Ok people follow me warm water this way hot food to follow.¡± Instead of turning right and going back as we did on the way to Gnadst office we went left. Inside there was what looked like a dormitory facility. Big wooden in horsetroughs like in an old western were placed on the floor. There were 4 in a straight line. In the first was what looked like beach sand. Number 2 had some water inside it that must have been cold I saw no steam. Number three held hot water. The number 4 was the same except this held a few washboards to clean laundry. At the far end of the room was a bucket on a table. I wasn''t sure as to what I was supposed to do here. I have had public baths before I been the proverbial nuts to butts in a straight line in both bootcamp and during processing into drunk tanks. But this was some straight gladiator shit. It is some straight gladiator shit. Just watch them and when in Rome. The fellas went over to the sand trough then stripped down.Tossing the clothes into the laundry tub. Then we grabbed handfuls of sand threw them at each other. Then they began to rub the sand into themselves. They scrubbed each other''s backs and I followed suit. When in Rome... next we rinsed ourselves off in the cold water tub. Proceeded onto the warm water then finally we grabbed some gloop out of the bucket to smear on ourselves. Reminded me of barnyard but it felt good on my dry chapped skin and abrasions. When then sat down and scrubbed our clothes with the rubboards. Soon afterwards Frydyrek came back with some other gnomes and wool blankets to wrap ourselves in while our clothing was hanging up to dry. The blanket that I was presented with was about the same size as a beach towel. It was plain and serviceable just like practically all of the textiles I saw on the gnomes so far. I merely wrapped it around my waist then grabbed my now cleaner but still stained boxers. I was pointed towards a drying rack I had not seen in the room before near the door. When it was full it was wheeled out of the room. We were led down the hall into what I hoped and assumed was a dining facility. Large baskets were filled with big round crackers. Cheallah. How do you know that Carmen. Easy I sifted through your head again. So is the cheallah edible if so I am on my way Fatboy?The narrative has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident. Do you ever think about anything other than food or getting your dick wet? No. Well he is your fur baby. Quit poking around in my head girl you might find my spank bank. That''ll take you way too long to go through. Yes if you didn''t watch so much porno you might have been able to store more important information in your short term memory. What short term memory Fatboy pretty much cherry smoked his grey matter? Well we hotboxed together little man. What does that say about you?That being said Carmen did the gnome''s nephew give me any useful information? I know you must have pulled that one out of some residual memory that was imprinted by the corpse worm. A lot of memories, I don''t know when they''ll be useful. All information can be useful considering the context. I got some gnomish table manners. I know where we are. I know places that the gnome has been some names. Bits and pieces. A little local lore. How come I don''t know what you know? The information overload would fry your brain. If ye ask ye shall receive. Hahaha very funny. So I am asking for mind blowing sex with you next time I fall asleep. You said I shall receive. Yes granted. I did not like the look on her face. Carmen never agreed to any of my perverted requests. So yeah Fatboy call me when y''all about to get your grub on. Til then I am out. Fryderyk was looking at Joe thinking that he must really be a simpleton or else he was like some of those prizefighters that took way to many punches to the head. He was standing there unblinking with eyes glazed over drool coming out of his mouth. He was about to walk over to the man to see if he was okay. Eustace caught the gnome before he made his way to Joe. Eustace tol the gnome that the man was alright andd that he was prone to zoning out and that he would be back to reality before too long. This suited the gnome he was just happy that he didn''t have to tell Gnadst that his project wasn''t quite a success as they had hoped. He would likely end up as the next test subject or else worse as raw material for the next worm. Eustace was thrilled about the thought of an actual meal instead of travel rations. The fact that he was able to sell some goods even better. He still had to go make payroll for various informants and leverage a magistrate or two. He also had to pay off staff at the fish plant and pass exchange salt pork for salt fish. It was going to be a busy next couple of days. He still thought Stephan mad for thinking that he could exhibit the Giant for coin but what the hell. Our clothes were wheeled back to us dry and we were told to put the blankets on the rack. I was left with little to do but stare at the wall until Fryderyk tapped me on the elbow. ¡°Gnadst is ready to talk.¡± I followed him back to the office where Gnadst was waiting again. A backless round three legged stool was placed in front of the desk this time. Gnadst motioned for me to sit. ¡°So are you comfortable? I regret that we couldn''t find anything taller for you to sit on but it is the sturdiest seat in the whole place.¡± ¡°It''s fine thank you.¡± I replied in gnomish without thinking. ¡°Your accent is better this time. Reaction speed as well. Can you tell when I switch languages?¡± he asked curiously. ¡°Not really it is more of an automatic response.¡± I said in Thirnic. You could say thank you asshole. Well thanks I''ll talk to you later this is somebody that might kill me just because. ¡°You know I can feel that you are chaos touched. You sir are a transfer.¡± the gnome said with gravely ¡°Oh don''t worry I am not saying anything to anyone about it... that is if you are willing to answer my questions honestly and maybe do me a favor.¡± ¡°Well I''ll try to answer them to the best of my ability. As for the favor I will have to decide that later.¡± ¡° Smart man never agree to a favor blindly haha I got Eustace to smooth over an audit for the price of baths and oyster soup earlier.¡± The gnome said proudly. ¡° Notice any side effects from the worm? I mean other than your eye changing color?¡± ¡°My eye changed color that is news to me. Do you have a mirror anywhere so I can see my face?¡± I was asking because I thought to look for more changes. ¡°Sure thing.¡± Gnadst reached into his pocket producing the glass. I stood underneath the skylight and maneuvered myself to get a good look at my face. My right eye was now hazel green mostly but with bright golden ring around my iris. Looking closer it didn''t connect all the way reminded me of a snake or perhaps a worm. My nose also seemed bigger and more hooked. My ear itched so I reached up to rub it. Yep it was bigger too it also now curled over at the tips and felt like it had a slight point to it. ¡°Well Gnadst looks like there were a few more changes. But I am guessing you saw them.¡± ¡°I did but I wanted you to take note of them. Besides the language skills do you have anything else to tell me that you learned from my late nephew?¡± he asked politely. ¡°I know where I am. I could probably draw you a map if I tried.¡± You can play the nyckelharpa. The imagery of some gnome playing an odd looking fiddle popped into my head. ¡°I can play a nyckelharpa. I know some of the local history. Not much else.¡± I told him truthfully. ¡°This is incredible. My creation could in fact be used to transfer secrets through generations just like it tells in the stories. Thanks for the information.¡± he then tossed me a silver coin. I put the coin in with the ring I thought for shits and giggles I would read the message inside the pouch. It said You are in the presence of royalty this is Kraan half- giant prince of the south. He is a guest of the Blue Duck Guild. If found return to the Corporal. The ring I looked over again. I saw a slight glow on it. Yes you can detect magic. The ring is magic? Yes but I don''t know what it is enchanted with. ¡°Is this going glazed eyes happening before or after the worm?¡± Gnadst asked with one eyebrow arched ¡°What do you mean?¡± I then thought about it. I must go out of zone whenever I actively talk to Carmen or BB. ¡°No I been doing this ever since I came to Urea. I don''t really know why it happens but I space out momentarily.¡± ¡°If you''d like I could try to extract the worm see if I can get any answers from it. But that might make your head more broken it''d be fun to extract it but you''d likely die.¡± Gnadst said deadpanned. ¡°Now would you like to hear my proposal?¡± the gnome requested ¡°Sure I think I should at least hear you out. What can blue do for you?¡±I replied ¡°I thought your name was Joe. Anyways I need someone to bring out a load of goods to the Bowlegs tribe. I want to see if you could ask them what happened to another nephew of mine Jonno. He disappeared in the bush out there. A gob you killed had this knife on him.¡± Gnadst responded ¡°So what remuneration could a man expect to receive for fulfilling this request?¡± ¡°If you survive a friend in Steenq. Also you could expect to keep surviving when you return to Steenq. Depending on the results I''ll think of something. Getting these goods to the Bowlegs is of the top priority.¡± At this point Fryderyk returned to the office and informed us that dinner was ready. On the road again The Corporal was pissed that Eustace had agreed dinner at this place. The big nosed bastards always had a scheme you couldn''t quite see. He heard from his boss that Gnadst was going to hire some of them to escort out goods to a goblin tribe. How this happened without his consent he didn''t know.These fucking gnomes had some weird eating habits.Stephan thought dryly I followed the two gnomes to the dining hall. Gnadst sat at the end of one table on a beaded pillow. I was seated to his left Eustace on his right. The Corporal was at the other end of the table he was given no cushion. Not that is mattered to him he just plopped down and waited for his meal in silence. The large baskets of big crackers I saw early were still there but now mismatching crockery bowls with steaming broth were placed beside them. We were given big tankards of what tasted like sourdough bread juice, it was effervescent . Kvass. Dinner was a strange affair. Cheallah was thrown from table to table. Each person got 4 pones of cheallah. Small tongs were passed out from the kitchen counter clockwise. Words were said in quick succession. ¡° Grab it as it''s passed if you don''t you shall fast. Without Almensch we feel the pinch blessed be his scales may they balance for Iron Pail.¡±All gnomes at the table intoned with reverence. I knew to wait until Gnadst tasted the centrally located broth before I could dip my pone. I drank my Kvass first as I was sitting to his right. Gnadst complimented me. ¡°You do have some manners.¡± I nodded in return. Dinner passed uneventufully. We neared the end of the broth and Gnadst bobbed his head twice in my direction giving me the honor of last belch. After dinner, I was taken to the heart of the warehouse to get geared up for my adventure into goblin lands. The best I could do was an wagon axle and some bronze tacks . I figured I''d make an oni club like I saw in an anime once. If rednecks had a martial weapon it would be a beating stick . I took some canvas in my hands, Carmen transmitted the image of a great kilt to me I wrapped the wagon canvas about me in the same manner. It wasn''t armor but it was better than nothing. It''d keep my warm at least. We went out of the gnome''s warehouse after dark. The street was pretty busy with most people getting off of work and fishing boats coming into port. We weren''t the only wagons on the street, but we still made good time and were at our destination shortly. We stopped outside of a wooden wall with a set of wide double doors. Stephan dismounted from his horse then beat on the doors. ¡°Open up we made it. I need a beer to wash out the taste of that gnomish pisswater.¡± ¡°Yes doing it now.¡± said a voice from the other side. This warehouse was not quite the same as the one we visited earlier. There was a stable outside between the outer wall and the main building. A few small outbuildings that may have been a kitchen or tool sheds. Inside it had no bathing room, but there were beds. There was also a dining area and a fully stocked bar. The bar was brightly lit. Practically everything on the shelves was in a green bottle.The Corporal sat down and took a drink. ¡°Get to bed, some of you have an early start tomorrow.¡± he said after taking a long stemmed pipe out of a box on the bar. At dawn The Corporal gave us our marching orders. ¡°Ballentryte, Braynard, Armando, Peeter, and the Giant are to escort the wagons out to Bowlegs territory. Ballentryte has command. I want all of you back in one piece.¡± One week time warpStolen from Royal Road, this story should be reported if encountered on Amazon. I am on the road acting as a translator between the gnomes and the Thirnic guardsmen. Two wagons loaded down with beads and other sundries with four gnomish drivers. We followed the map exactly but all we found wads an abandoned campsite where we were to meet the goblins. A few wattle huts and a pile of rodent bones were all that remained of what was supposed to be a fair sized campsite of goblins. Neither the guards nor the gnomes were having any luck. Archie the Bastard of Ballentryte was trying to find some sign of the goblins to begin to track them. This was supposed to be a simple escort mission that would take 2 weeks at most. Sending me and Peeter was overkill for security. Although the Corporal was more concerned about the boys than the gnome''s goods. Birds never fly unless they leave the nest. Another war with the Empire might be just around the corner their old man wants to season his progeny before it happens. Archie was in thought. My old man doesn''t even want to admit that he didn''t kill me when he set fire to my mother''s hovel. I knew I''d not be of much help to anyone but I thought of someone who could. BB, do you think you can help us track down where the goblins went to? I''ve been smelling all over the place but the scent is thick everywhere. Some different smells have crisscrossed over them. Joe I think I see a track that belongs to something different than others I saw around here. Thanks BB I''ll pass along the info. ¡°Excuse me Ballentryte. I think my dog may have picked up something.¡± I reported to him. ¡°You can talk to canines?¡± He said this without looking up from the smaller tracks he was studying. His voice was not condescending nor did it hold disbelief. ¡°Have you hit your head recently?¡± ¡° We can share thoughts and what we see with each other. He says he found a bigger track further out.¡± I responded to his questioning. As if on cue BB arrived to lead us to the tracks. ¡° Those are definitely orc tracks.¡± Archie said without ceremony as he viewed the tracks. ¡°As in Orcs, that have green or black skin, large tusks, and pointy teeth. Ill- tempered with a penchant for raiding caravans and kidnapping people to eat later?¡±I asked to make sure I was on the right track. ¡°Pretty much except these can be any color. We are in luck this one wasn''t mounted on a boar, if he was we''d have some major problems to contend with.¡± Archie had relief in his voice. ¡°Yeah if it''s a piney wood rooter big enough to ride that be a major problem omnivorous and with an excellent sense of smell we''d be dead meat in no time.¡± I said with genuine horror at the thought. We are being watched Fatboy. I smell fresh goblin in the bushes. Is he close from which direction? Right now he''s upwind that''s the only reason I can smell him maybe further up that hill over there. Fatboy he''s alone I smell nothing else here. I told Archie that we may company. We began to walk nonchalantly back to the wagons. I told one of the gnomes about the lone goblin that may be stalking us. They were unsure about what to do so they took out a small square black rock which one of them took up a hill with him.Something about the scene seemed highly familiar. He came back shortly. He looked irritated. ¡°Gnadst said to wait here we will be met shortly. Glasha linked him earlier he had forgot to link us. The Bowlegs pulled stakes from here Gnadst said that the Red Maws were encroaching into Bowlegs lands. Our contacts are further in a guide is supposed to meet us.¡± the gnome replied. ¡°If you could speak with Gnadst why didn''t you use it earlier to save us some trouble.¡± I asked ¡°Well we are terrified at the prospect of being seen as incompetent. Gnadst cuts dead weight off without remorse. He killed his nephew because that guy was late with a delivery of fruit.¡± the gnomes all nodded gravely.We heard a whistle from above us. Out stepped a goblin that I presumed was our guide.