《Idiots Guide to Saving the World》


 An Introduction To Idiocy

    "I should bash his head in with myhead!" roared the man downsatirs


    GODS when will those idiots shut up I haven''t been able to even think let alonesleep,the young man thought, exhasperated. He got up from his itchy bed, grumbling about how unfair this was. Suddenly, an enormous crash came from downstairs, followed by shouting and cursing by the inkeeper. They had finally pulled the last straw. The man threw open his door and marched down the rickety stairs. He didn''t notice nor care that he was still in his bedclothes, or the fact that he looked like a madman. "Will you shut theh*llup!" he roared, bursting into the common room. A very keen observer may have noticed a very subtle point on his canine teeth and a strange blue tint to his hair. Abrubtly he stopped. They were gone. Where in the 8 realms did they go! His eyes quickly darted to the door. or at least what was left of it. Splintered wood and glass from the window was all that was left of the entryway. One of the hinges on the doorframe was acually still attached, though barely. the main fragment laid broken in the cobblestone road in front of the inn. A burly innkeeper walked into the room from the kitchen wondering what all the commotion was about. The gruff man glared at the starnge man in his bedclothes. "If you''re looking for the imbeciles who wrecked my inn, you''re out of luck." He gestured towards the door. "As you can see, they left,'' He said this last statement with a sour tone in his voice. The blue haired man''s eyes widened and he backed towards the stairs. "I''ll just uh go back to my room I guess," he said nervously. "Oh no you don''t you slobbering Flarg*." The innkeeper grabbed the man''s arm before he get away. "You still haven''t paid for all the other nights you stayed here". The unfortunate man squirmed in his strong grip. "About that..."


    __


    Now I got kicked out of that stupid f*ckinginn. I need to rip something to shreds; Maim it badly enough that it was barely alive, dead if even caught by a baby. I wish those damn idiots from earlier would just show up so I could beat all the life out of them. A deafening roar shakes the the air around me, bringing me out of my thought-rage.Something huge appears from behind the inn. Just my luck. A troll. Only this bad boy won''t be torn to shreds by me. Ohhh no. Trolls will do the opposite. But why in the world would thing be hiding behind an inn, not attacking? And how come nobody in the inn seemed to have even noticed I was in trouble? In fact, glancing to the door, it doesn''t look like there''s anyone in there at all. Oh and, of course, I''m still in my bedclothes. It''s freezing as all h*ll out here. The troll advances, all 15 feet of the dry flaky gray thing. This one is relatively small as trolls go, but not to be taken lightly.This one seems to be a stone troll, the third most dangerous type. Overanalyzing things is sort of my fatal flaw. I was so absorbed in this fatal flaw that I didn''t notice the swarm of hulking bodybuilder-sized men and an old man charging at me. I did however, notice the the troll taking a swing at me. I throw myself out of the way but not fast enough. The enourmas slab of rock it uses as a club slams into my left leg send searing pain through my body. I can literallyfeel the bones in my knee and lower leg shattering. My vision is tinted with black as I''m sent flying into the thicket on the side of the empty road.Why even build an inn here out in the middle of nowhere. I guess for travellers but- "YAAAAARGH!!" An extremely buff seven foot tall human wearing nothing but a fur vest (The kind thats tiny and barely covers a mans nipples and is super hot) and a loincloth charges to the "battlefield" with sevaral other large men behind him, as well as an old wizard lagging behind, and collides into the thing with enough force to destroy a mountain. How the actual h*ll did he do that? This troll is twice his height and made ofstone. Nervertheless, he gets up without a scratch as the others catch up to him They surround the troll with puzzled looks on their faces. "Ogaaaar did you kill it already? Come on man," said a man with darker skin. "Altimaaarrrrdo you think we can eat it?" said another with a nose that had been broken so many times over it looked like a lightning bolt. These men had the most stereotypically stupid voices I had ever heard. Then the old man caught up leaning on an intricately carved staff topped with a green orb. He raised it far above his head and brought down with surprising speed and power onto Ogar''s head with a dullthud. "Heeeey," woah this guy has the deepest voice I have ever heard. "Altimaaarrr what was that for?" The frail man gave him the most insane look I''ve seen in a long while: full frown, wide eyes and head tilted back."One: the troll is still alive. tWo: THeRe iS a weIrD GuY OvER tHErE. THAAREE,"(3) he was screaming in a very terrifying way now."YOU LEFT THE BATHTUB IN THE UNDERWARREN!!" This man is truly terrifying. The bathtub in the Underwarren? Most people don''t even bathe, much less own a bathtub. And the Underwarren? That''s the fiery Hellish land full of all the horrors imaginable in the 8 realms of Eros. No matter how disturbingly buff they are, there is no way they could survive that world of fire. The troop divides; Three sprint off into the distance at insane speeds, (why is unknown to me) Four begin to pummel the troll intofucking dust, while the two remaining strongmen and Mr. Terrifying Insane Man walk up to me. The wizard walked up to me and whispered the three most horrifyingly disturbing words I''ve ever heard anyone say: "Iloveyou." With that over with, he procedes to raise his staff in the air and, before I can try and say anything, anything,to stop him, he brings it down on my leg already in unimaginable pain.This tale has been pilfered from Royal Road. If found on Amazon, kindly file a report.


    * A flarg is a disgusting monster who''s name is used as a very rude insult


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    As this was an introduction, it''s a little shorter than usual. My friend and I will try to update each week.


    P.S This is gonna be fucking weird


    - E and D

 Getting to know idiocy

    Webb came to his senses smelling a godly scent that mixed all the beauty of the 8 realms into one. It encompassed all beauty with smells ranging from the purest vannila to the Elven Garden of Eden. Webb wanted to never open his eyes again but bask in this scent. Alas, he thought of what great creature this aroma would be coming from and he immediately opened his eyes. When he saw the thing that the beautiful smell belonged tohe vowed that he will commit suicide the second that he was able to and cure his body of this unearthly sight. Webb saw a senile wizard with his head tilted up; his eyes were constantly moving settling on different parts of his bare body laying in a cold bathtub. Webb jumped up and screaned louder than a dying ice troll. Webb tried to run away but was quickly seized by a ridiculously buff strongman.


    "Hey Ogarrrr he woke up" said a idiotic sounding voice. "Heeeeyyyyyyyy he smells nice" said another strongman who looked the same but like 1 inch shorter."We should eat him and absorb his scent" said the first with the others nodding in agreement. Webb satrted panicking and squirming but he couldn''t move at all in the big man''s grip. Eventually he gave up and said "Wait


    "Wait don''t eat me please I know a criminal please it''s probably a super stong monster" begged Webb, looking around hoping anyone with a lick of sense was here.If you encounter this narrative on Amazon, note that it''s taken without the author''s consent. Report it.


    "wE cAn kEEp HIM as A peT"said the old man in front of him that could probably be older than Eros


    "HeyAltimaaarrr let''s go kill the big monster"said the biggest of the bunch.


    Webb thought his name was Ogar, and somehow as if it was a hivemind they just walked to the inn. Now that Webb looked around he realized that he was not in the same spot near the inn. He couldn''t even see it. Now that he looked closer he could see the land blurring in the distance so they were probably moving insanely fast. After a few minutes, yes mother F*CKING minutes, to travel probably thousands of miles, they were back at the inn. Suddenly coming to his senses, Webb saw what he was truly lying in. It was not, in fact a very cold bed, as he had previously thought. But a bathtub. Full of ice. What the actual hell. Oh. My God. These are my "saviors" from the night (had it been a night?) before. Oh god. What did they do to him? Webb checked to make sure his kidneys were there. "Um I''ll be right back!" he shouted, running to the inn without an answer.


    "You again? I thought i told you to leave!"


    "Well yeah but," Webb leaned in close "Please help me. They kidnapped me and I told them where a monster was so they wouldn''t... eat me. Please do you know where a monster or something is." Webb knew he sounde desperate and insane but it was his last hope.


    "As a matter of fact I do."


    The innkeeper crumbled into dust...