《Dirk, and the Black & Orange Catwomen of Betelgeuse VI》


 Foreword by Wilhelm Poindexter

    Foreword


    By Wilhelm Poindexter, Ph.D.


    At the outset, let me say that my only reason for researching and writing this dubious chronicle is that as chair of the College of Political Science at the University of New New New New York, I am occasionally expected to publish something. This work is a direct result of that obligation. It is not intended for serious study, and any of my students found reading it will almost certainly fail.


    This writing concerns the career of perhaps the most noted figure of the last thousand years, give or take: Dirk Bordeaux. I am afraid I shall disillusion any serious student not already aware of Bordeaux¡¯s character, but the truth is that, at least in the beginning, he was a complete incompetent. As far as anyone can determine, luck and shrewd public relations were largely responsible for his success, brilliant though it was. His political victories are known to have been engineered, from start to finish, by his campaign sponsors. And yet, for all his deficiencies, his deeds have done more to shape modern history, and our present society, than have those of any other person since the time of the Roman Empire.


    To understand Bordeaux fully, and the magnitude of his achievements, onemust know something of the society into which he was born. 996 years ago, the planet Earth was opened for exploitation by the Council of Starfarers. This was the lawmaking body of a loosely knit league of worlds, who possessed sufficient strength to avoid being swallowed by the three intergalactic empires then in place. At the time, the people of Earth were at the height of a physical fitness craze. One man¡ªa bodybuilder¡ªstood literally head and shoulders above all others. He was incredibly large and strong, and he called himself the Big, Bad Wolf. At the time of this writing, it is the only name that can be positively confirmed as his.Unauthorized usage: this tale is on Amazon without the author''s consent. Report any sightings.


    Almost overnight, the Wolf became an intergalactic star. He was held in awe by everyone. The three empires mentioned, the League of Starfarers, and even independent stellar communities paid him fantastic sums to visit, when his busy schedule permitted. Even males of larger, stronger races than humanity could not deny that here was the crowning achievement of masculinity, the very ideal. And in a civilization boasting one hundred percent independent, liberated females, it is interesting to note that the Big, Bad Wolf found scores of eager Little Red Riding Hoods waiting wherever he went.


    But the Wolf was as clever as he was strong, and he was not one to pass up the golden opportunity he saw here. Using the wealth he accumulated in a relatively short time, he converted his widespread popularity into political power, incorporating all known civilization under the conglomerate he founded with his bodybuilding buddies, Acme Space Guys. Thus, the Intergalactic Federation of Straight, Butch Guys¡ªIFSBG¡ªwas born. It was the most ridiculous concept of government sentient beings ever devised, and it was 571 years before sanity began slowly to creep back into the minds of men. That was the year the IFSBG was finally disbanded.


    However, the IFSBG caused Bordeaux to be born into the dominant race of our society, rather than to a backward, oppressed people. And this, if nothing else, has earned it an important place in history, because some of Bordeaux¡¯s actions involved more than simple corrections of IFSBG idiocies. And if humanity had not held just such a powerful place in society, his deeds may have gone undone.


    No one knows the exact date of Bordeaux¡¯s birth, but IFSBG year 404 is generally accepted by historians as very probable. His planet of origin remains a mystery, leading many scholars to believe his name was assumed.


    Wilhelm Poindexter, Ph.D.


    University of New New New New York.

 Chapter 1: In The Beginning

    In the year 431 of the Intergalactic Federation of Straight, Butch Guys, Dirk Bordeaux was faced with a serious problem. Not the economic ramifications of the failure of that year¡¯s Rainbow crop on the planet Erstwhile¡ªhome of the famous Rainbow Wines. Or the increasing racial tensions between the green and the blue inhabitants of Larry¡¯s World. Dirk¡¯s present concern was smaller in scope, but of more immediate consequence.


    Dirk repossessed spacecraft for Acme Space Guys. He often found himself doing this when the owners weren¡¯t present. Such a policy made for more peaceful repossessions, and less attrition of Acme employees. On this particular occasion, his quarry was in a garage for routine maintenance. He presented the necessary papers¡ªwith police endorsements¡ªto the garage superintendent, and took possession of the ship. He didn¡¯t bother to check the ship¡¯s papers, although it may have been wiser to do so. Halfway to his destination, the engine began to make peculiar coughing sounds. While he did not pretend to be a mechanical expert, Dirk was aware that this was not a good thing. It should not be happening to a ship in for routine maintenance.


    This was the problem Dirk now faced. He did not think it likely that he would reach the Acme branch office for which he worked. In fact, the navigation charts showed that the only civilized world he had a good chance of reaching was the sixth planet in the Betelgeuse system. Not only did Dirk not know of an Acme office on the planet, but those people were considered strange even by Federation standards, which took a lot of peculiarity.


    Inspired by hindsight, Dirk checked the ship¡¯s registration papers, and then said, ¡°Shit!¡± It felt so good, he said it again. Then he set his course for the Betelgeuse system.


    Dirk was the only person in the seventeen galaxies comprising the IFSBG who was concerned with his personal dilemma. The owner of the craft he was flying had not yet learned of the error leading to repossession of the wrong ship. And campaigns for the upcoming election were about to begin. The election would decide who was to be Chairman of the IFSBG for the next four Earth years. With the job went the title of Chairman of the Board of Directors for Acme Space Guys, and a fat salary commensurate with the title. Even the problems of Larry¡¯s World, Erstwhile, and dozens of other planets, were momentarily forgotten, as preparations for the election began.


    The people who worked at Acme Space Guys¡¯ headquarters were especially concerned about the election¡¯s outcome. The vast complex stood just outside the Sol system, using several huge jets to follow the star¡¯s movement through space. Andrew J. Gates sat in his posh office, watching his executive assistant, John Buffet, pace the floor for him. The president and CEO of Acme was distressed this morning, to say the least.


    ¡°Isn¡¯t there a way out of it, John?¡±


    ¡°Not a chance, sir,¡± Buffet answered. ¡°The Senate won¡¯t budge. Their reasoning is that a seat on our Board of Directors for the retiring Chairman is the best way to get quality people to run for office.¡± He sat down on a leather couch, tired of pacing. ¡°And it¡¯s only guaranteed him for one year. We can tolerate Alabamma McCall that long, surely.¡±


    ¡°But he¡¯s such an idiot! He¡¯s already had the title of Chairman for the last four years. Isn¡¯t that enough?¡±


    Buffet shrugged his shoulders. ¡°The position is titular only; it¡¯s an empty title, and even our departing Chairman knows it. The new position may be a slight drop in pay, but with it comes a chance to do something substantial. There¡¯s no wiggle room here, I¡¯m afraid.¡±


    Gates sighed. ¡°The other directors have insisted that I do something about this schmuck, or they¡¯ll all take extended leaves of absence¡ªleaving us to deal with him, and any other problems that may arise. They¡¯re serious, John, and I¡¯ve no idea what to do.¡±


    ¡°We can always send him to the Andromeda Extents, on the pretext of needing him to direct a program of expansion there. It will satisfy his ego, and we¡¯ve never had a great deal of influence there anyway; he won¡¯t be able to do any real harm. We can also curtail his powers a bit before he leaves. And we¡¯ll ensure he has no oversight in the project to construct a new planet.¡±


    Real relief began to show in Gates¡¯ face. ¡°That just might work,¡± he acknowledged. ¡°Of course, we can¡¯t do that with every retiring Chairman; we need to try for someone capable¡ªor at least tolerable¡ªthis time. And put together a report on the world-building project. I know it¡¯s still a ways off, but I want to stay up-to-date on it.¡± His problem solved, Andrew Gates was all business: a real force at Acme Space Guys, and consequently, throughout the IFSBG. ¡°Who seems likely to win the election this time?¡±


    ¡°The primaries haven¡¯t yet begun, of course. But three strong Candidates are already getting some attention.¡± Buffet opened a briefcase, and removed four manilla folders. ¡°One of them is your nephew, Oliver. He¡¯s a favorite with the Board of Directors. I¡¯m sure you already know he¡¯s a well-educated, likable young man, with good sense. He¡¯s also becoming something of a media darling. His blond surfer-boy appearance should play well on video channels. We can begin sponsoring him as Acme¡¯s favorite son as soon as you like.¡±


    ¡°Good. And the other two? What¡¯s your opinion of them?¡±


    ¡°That there¡¯s really nothing wrong with them. We could work with either one, should they manage a victory. They¡¯ve had good educations, and come from respectable, fairly affluent families. One of them may even be our boy in four years.¡± Buffet rose, walked to Gates, and handed him the folders. ¡°These are their dossiers. Their names are Skip Voyager and Ray Fleming,¡± he said, returning to the couch. ¡°I know, Skip¡¯s name is a bit flashy, but that¡¯s not unusual in a native of Mondo Blondo¡ªyes, that¡¯s where he¡¯s from. But he¡¯s got good qualities, and should be taken seriously.


    ¡°Also, there¡¯s a report on the Erstwhile situation.¡± Buffet liked to multitask whenever he could. ¡°To summarize, Erstwhile has had unseasonably dry weather this year, which has altered the way that unique atmosphere refracts sunlight. As a result, the rainbows are all too weak to produce any acceptable wines.¡±


    ¡°Are they going to request any financial assistance?¡±


    ¡°No, they¡¯re just going to raise their prices for the next few years. They know their product is in demand, and they¡¯re the only source. Besides, they¡¯ve been stockpiling for years, so they have an abundant supply, mostly well aged.¡±


    ¡°Maybe we could offer them assistance as Acme Space Guys, with no government involvement,¡± Gates suggested.


    ¡°We tried that, but they politely declined. The vintners of Erstwhile don¡¯t seem to want any outside influence; especially not a financial obligation.¡±The story has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation.


    ¡°Have we been able to infiltrate them at all?¡±


    ¡°No, sir. They¡¯ve still been able to block all our attempts at slipping in some of our own people, or buying any of theirs. They screen potential employees too carefully.¡±


    ¡°We need to find out how they make their wines,¡± Gates asserted. ¡°A monopoly that we don¡¯t control is just not acceptable.¡±


    ¡°We already know how they make them,¡± Buffet replied. ¡°The wines come from the mushrooms that grow at the base of the rainbows. The product isslightly hallucinogenic, but nowhere near illegal. We¡¯ve already looked into that possibility.¡±


    ¡°Then let¡¯s get to work making a competing product.¡±


    ¡°We¡¯re trying, sir, but the results are not good. Knowing the general theory involved does not replace Erstwhile¡¯s centuries of experience. Without the advice and cooperation of seasoned rainbow vintners, I expect we¡¯ll get nowhere fast.¡±


    ¡°Have you tried our product?¡± Gates persisted.


    ¡°I have. Connoisseurs would describe it as amateurish at best, hideous at worst.¡±


    ¡°But you¡¯re well respected among them. Couldn¡¯t you persuade one or two of them to write somewhat more favorable reviews, that we could publish more extensively?¡±


    Buffet laughed. ¡°Not hardly. They see themselves as artists in their own right, and they have no respect for anybody. Including large corporations like Acme.¡±


    Gates thought about that. ¡°Just how inferior is our product, really?¡± he asked after a moment.


    ¡°Consider a Little League baseball team issuing a challenge to the Major League champion. That would be an apt comparison.¡±


    ¡°Okay, we¡¯ll accept for now that our product is second best. It¡¯s not the first time we¡¯ve had to deal with that. We can still cover a lot more ground than Erstwhile.¡±


    ¡°True. My report covers the subject in detail, as well as an analysis of our latest attempt to persuade the Senate to redistribute the electoral votes for Chairman.¡±


    ¡°What was their ruling?¡±


    ¡°No, as usual.¡±


    ¡°John, it amazes me that we¡¯ve never been able to budge the Senate on this issue. We¡¯re usually able to exert a good deal of influence with them.¡±


    ¡°I know. But Erstwhile¡¯s vintners have some political clout themselves; they just don¡¯t use it very often. And I think the fact that they don¡¯t speak a great deal adds weight to their arguments when they do.¡±


    Gates sighed in exasperation. ¡°This isn¡¯t just an attempt to undermine the competition. I honestly believe that it¡¯s wrong for one planet to control more than ten percent of the vote in an election affecting seventeen galaxies.¡±


    ¡°I agree, sir. But, as the Erstwhile delegation always points out, theirs is not the only civilized planet in Orion Province. There are many heavily populated, productive worlds there. Erstwhile is just the most influential of them.¡±


    ¡°Hell, Erstwhile makes every major decision for the province, and everyone knows it!¡±


    ¡°That may be, but¡ª¡°


    At this point, the intercom buzzed. Annoyed, Gates flipped a switch. ¡°Yes, what is it?¡± he asked sharply.


    ¡°Sir,¡± the receptionist answered, ¡°the spokesman from Pretty Boy Cosmetics has an appointment with Mr Buffet in twenty minutes. You asked to be reminded.¡±


    ¡°Thank you, Miss Hadderly.¡± Gates turned back to Buffet. ¡°We¡¯ll discuss Erstwhile later,¡± he said. ¡°Handle this meeting carefully. It¡¯s not just the trillions the deal could mean for Acme.¡±


    ¡°I know the public goodwill could be significant; a good relationship with Pretty Boy Cosmetics could remove much of the hostility from the hairdressers of Omnicron Seti-Three,¡± Buffet observed.


    ¡°And that could get us positive feelings from almost half their customers, the soccer moms, across the IFSBG,¡± Gates agreed. ¡°Opportunities like this don¡¯t come every day.¡±


    ¡°No, they do not. You may consider this carefully handled.¡± Buffet left to prepare for his meeting with the Pretty Boy representative. Gates remained at his desk, reading the reports John Buffet had left with him.


    On the sixth planet of the Betelgeuse system, a similar meeting was being held, but with different organization and objectives. In the first place, the participants were not human; they were of feline descent. Secondly, they were unquestionably female. But most importantly, they were not at all interested in maintaining the status quo. In fact, several of them were loudly voicing their opinions of it, and what they felt should be done about it, when the woman manning the chair pounded the table for order.


    ¡°Our divisiveness is precisely why we haven¡¯t been able to change things in the past,¡± she said. She looked at each member of her committee in turn, noting that she had everyone¡¯s attention. ¡°Citizens, our opportunity is now, and we must be ready! The IFSBG is getting set to elect a new Chairman, and everyone is pretty well disgusted with the fool who is presently in office. That means the electorate will be more willing to consider a new face, one that isn¡¯t backed by Acme Space Guys. In addition, society is becoming more liberal than it¡¯s been in years. There¡¯s even talk of Acme conducting a joint venture with Pretty Boy Cosmetics. I don¡¯t know how true that is, but it¡¯s indicative of changes in the wind.¡±


    One of the older committee members spoke up. ¡°Kori,¡± she said, ¡°if you are seriously suggesting that we run our own Candidate, have you given any thought as to who it might be? While I will concede that people are becoming more liberal, I do not believe they will approve someone of our race. We are a matriarchy, after all.¡±


    ¡°Probably not, Mara,¡± Kori replied. ¡°But whoever it is, we must all back him. We have to put our differences aside, and reach a consensus, if we want a chance of success. And a chance like this may not ever come again.¡±


    ¡°Agreed, Kori,¡± said another committee member. ¡°But that still leaves us with the problem of finding a Candidate. Where should we look?¡±


    ¡°Larry¡¯s World.¡±


    Mara laughed at that. ¡°I thought you wanted unity, Kori. No matter whom you choose from Larry¡¯s World, the planet¡¯s other race will vote him down. That would get your campaign off to a shaky start indeed. Besides, the Senate would arbitrarily disqualify a Candidate who is not a human male.¡±


    Kori bristled at the suggestion. ¡°Surely if we can get enough support¡ª¡°


    ¡°No, Kori,¡± Mara stated flatly. ¡°The Senate is entirely composed of males, most of them human. And they are still too conservative to break a four hundred year tradition. Even if you get all of Orion and Larry¡¯s Provinces behind you, the Senate can, and will, disqualify a nonhuman Candidate.


    ¡°You correctly told us that we need to set aside our differences, but we also need to set aside our prejudgments. We can either work within the system, or we can attempt rebellion. And no single planet has the strength to rebel against the Intergalactic Federation of Straight, Butch Guys.¡±


    Kori wanted to argue, but she knew that the wily leader of the Huntress Clan was correct. In any case, Mara never lost arguments.


    ¡°All right,¡± Kori conceded. ¡°I don¡¯t know too many human males, and none I¡¯d want to promote to the Chairmanship. Where do you suggest we look?¡±


    Before Mara could reply, a crash shook the building. Looking out a window, Kori saw a badly damaged spaceship. ¡°Everybody outside,¡± she said. ¡°Someone might still be in that wreck!¡±


    They rushed outside, and pulled an unconscious male from the craft¡ªa human male.

 Chapter 2: Squeeze Play

    When Dirk awoke, it was a slow and confusing process. His splitting headache and empty stomach certainly didn¡¯t help matters, but the biggest problem was that he no longer seemed to be in a wrecked spaceship. He was, in fact, in a very comfortable bed, which was in a cool, well-lighted room.


    He wondered whether he was dead, and whether this was his final reward, until he noticed a Betelgeusean female watching him from across the room. He had never actually met one before, but they were notorious for their grace and beauty, not to mention their dislike of humans. This was definitely a Betelgeusean, which meant that he probably wasn¡¯t dead. The exotic woman lifted an eyebrow, as if inviting¡ªor daring¡ªDirk to say something. He decided not to speak before he was spoken to, so she did.


    ¡°Good afternoon, Mr Bordeaux,¡± she said, in a voice that was almost a purr. ¡°It is good to see you awake. When you were brought to this facility today, we seriously doubted whether you would survive.¡± Nothing in her tone betrayed the slightest concern for Dirk¡¯s well-being, and this made him uneasy.


    ¡°I appreciate your efforts on my behalf,¡± he said, ¡°and I¡¯m sure Acme Space Guys will reimburse you for¡ª¡°


    ¡°Tomorrow morning, I will take you to speak with the local Acme representative,¡± the Betelgeusean woman said. ¡°I do not think it wise to make assurances on Acme¡¯s behalf until then.¡±


    ¡°I didn¡¯t know we had an office here.¡±


    ¡°Not many people do. For our part, we do our best to ignore it.¡± She stood. ¡°You will receive something to eat shortly, Mr Bordeaux. I will return in the morning.¡± Without further ceremony, the woman left the room.


    Dirk could not get over the grace with which these people moved. As he was being escorted to the Acme branch office, he had not been able to spot a Betelgeusean who did not seem to be dancing. They certainly were a far cry from the Acme representative, one Cornelius Forg. The man was neither graceful nor confident. He was the fussiest, most nervous man Dirk had ever met.


    ¡°I know you¡¯ve never heard of this office!¡± he exploded. ¡°No one¡¯s heard of it! It¡¯s like I don¡¯t even exist,¡± he said morosely, sitting at his desk again, with his head in his hands.


    ¡°Mr Forg,¡± Dirk asked, ¡°aren¡¯t you exaggerating just a little bit?¡±


    ¡°You tell me,¡± Forg returned. ¡°Headquarters won¡¯t even acknowledge this office¡¯s existence. I have to route my quarterly reports¡ªnot to mention my salary¡ªthrough our office on the planet Whizbang. They¡¯re also the only way I can get any information from Headquarters.¡±


    ¡°So what¡¯s wrong with that?¡±


    ¡°Do you know what they call themselves? Whiz Kids! Do you have any idea what it¡¯s like to depend upon Whiz Kids for your existence?¡±


    ¡°I can see how that might be upsetting,¡± Dirk conceded. ¡°Why don¡¯t you request a transfer?¡±


    ¡°I have. Do you know what Acme¡¯s answer always is?¡±


    ¡°Not yet,¡± Dirk said after a short pause.


    ¡°They tell me that I¡¯m doing such a good job here, and that they don¡¯t want to change a winning arrangement.¡±


    ¡°What¡¯s wrong with that, Mr Forg?¡±


    ¡°What¡¯s wrong is that I¡¯m not doing anything, except learning to fish.¡±


    ¡°Oh, do you like fishing?¡±


    ¡°That doesn¡¯t matter,¡± Forg replied. ¡°If one doesn¡¯t hunt and fish, one simply doesn¡¯t socialize on this planet. Which reminds me, I have a fishing engagement in twenty minutes.¡± As he spoke, Forg took a memorandum from his IN basket.


    ¡°I¡¯ll make this short, Mr Bordeaux. Acme Space Guys has officially terminated your employment. Effective immediately, all pay and benefits to which you were previously entitled have been revoked, and I¡¯m afraid that includes medical benefits. I¡¯m sorry about this, but Acme will not pay a cent of your medical bill here, and I understand that it¡¯s a hefty one.¡±


    Dirk was dumbfounded. ¡°But why?¡± he asked.


    ¡°Because of the spaceship you wrecked,¡± Forg answered. ¡°Since it was the wrong ship to begin with, we¡¯re going to have to replace it with a brand new one. The owner is outraged, and we could lose a lot of business because of your blunder.¡±


    ¡°But everyone makes mistakes,¡± Dirk protested.


    ¡°Let¡¯s be honest, Mr Bordeaux. Your employment record has not been an exemplary one. I¡¯ve been looking through it this morning, and it seems that since you began working for Acme, not one fiscal quarter has gone by in which you have not made a serious¡ªand costly¡ªerror.¡±


    ¡°But¡ª¡°


    ¡°And then the Betelgeuseans privately told us that they would be willing to bear all your medical costs, but only if we terminated you without delay. Something to do with their own accounting legalities. They are an unusual people, you know.


    ¡°I truly am sorry, Mr Bordeaux.¡± And indeed, Mr Forg truly looked sorry. ¡°I really do have to go now, but you¡¯re welcome to stay here a few minutes, if you¡¯d like. Get a cup of coffee, and try to collect your thoughts before you have to deal with these hostile felines. It usually helps me.¡±


    And then the man who had destroyed Dirk¡¯s life was gone. Dirk felt wretched. He had no way of paying his medical bill. He had nowhere to stay. He lived from paycheck to paycheck, and now had no job, or prospects for a new one. He was also pretty glum about the fact that he really disliked coffee.


    ¡°They dropped you, didn¡¯t they?¡±


    This was not what Dirk wanted to hear as he left Mr Forg¡¯s office. In fact, Dirk was sure he could get by if he never saw his nameless escort again. She was about as understanding as a prison guard, and Dirk suspected she¡¯d known Acme was about to can him. He did not know why she seemed to resent him, but he was beginning to return the sentiment. When it became apparent that Dirk was not going to answer her question, the woman tersely gestured for him to follow, and led the way out of the building.


    It would not have been a great comfort for Dirk to know that he would have received the same treatment from almost any other native Betelgeusean. But it may have consoled him to know that their dislike was not personal. The truth was that the Betelgeuseans were not overly fond of the human race as a whole.If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the violation.


    Their dislike had its roots in the early days of the Intergalactic Federation of Straight, Butch Guys. The humans had barged in upon their prosperous lifestyle with intolerant racist attitudes toward everyone and everything. It was due to the absurd notions of the humans that the matriarchal Betelgeuseans were reducedto second-class citizens; in fact, they were barely recognized as an intelligent species. After a few hundred years, their resentment ran deep.


    Of course, Dirk was unaware of these events of history, and was becoming more irritated with his guide by the minute. She escorted him to a plush office in a government building, and left him there with a strong desire never to see her again. It was just as well that he never did, as the feeling was mutual.


    Another Betelgeusean woman presently entered the office. ¡°Good morning, Mr Bordeaux,¡± she said in a pleasant, musical tone. ¡°My name is Kori Lrr-Sahr, and it is my dubious honor to be the Chief Interplanetary Minister for Pelrapeire.¡± As Dirk¡¯s expression grew puzzled, she added, ¡°That is the name of the planet you are on right now.¡±


    ¡°I see.¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s not really much of a name, is it?¡± Kori apologized.


    ¡°I wasn¡¯t going to say anyth¡ª¡°


    ¡°We were in a hurry, you see,¡± she continued. ¡°We¡¯d never seen a need to name our world, since doing so wouldn¡¯t change it in any way. But you humans have an obsession for naming things, and when the IFSBG moved in a few centuries ago, we were given a choice¡ªeither we named the planet, or they would. I¡¯m told we came painfully close to having our home named ¡®Shoe¡¯ for us.¡±


    ¡°You did?¡±


    ¡°We were lucky. We didn¡¯t get named for a disease, like Elephantiasis did.


    ¡°But I¡¯m not here to teach you about local history,¡± Kori continued. ¡°I¡¯m afraid we have a problem, Mr Bordeaux. You owe the planetary government a great deal of money for your medical treatment, and I don¡¯t believe you have sufficient resources to make payment. What are we going to do to remedy the situation?¡±


    ¡°Perhaps I could work until it¡¯s paid off,¡± Dirk suggested.


    Kori almost managed to hide a smile. Being that they were of feline descent, Betelgeusean smiles tended to look rather fierce and predatory to most humans, Dirk included. ¡°Mr Bordeaux,¡± she said, ¡°with your present job skills, you could work for the rest of your life, and not pay half of it. Limbs were reconstructed, blood vessels replaced, and organs regrown. You were a mess when we pulled you from that ship.¡±


    ¡°So, how much did it come to?¡± Dirk was convinced that he really didn¡¯t want to know.


    ¡°Three million, six,¡± she replied in a businesslike tone. ¡°That¡¯s before paying the surgeons for their time. They haven¡¯t submitted their bill yet, but I imagine it will be substantial.¡±


    Dirk was dismayed. He was also more than a little worried. He knew he could never pay the debt, and he was afraid to ask what the consequences of defaulting might be. This Kori Lrr-Sahr did not seem quite as friendly as she had been a moment ago. ¡°Is that in dollars?¡± he asked.


    ¡°All of our transactions are conducted in Solarian dollars,¡± Kori affirmed. ¡°Persuading a foreign concern to accept your own peculiar currency is more trouble than it¡¯s worth.¡±


    ¡°What are you planning to do?¡± Dirk asked, in a voice that sounded very small to his ears.


    ¡°We considered debtors¡¯ prison, but it was pointed out that this would entail more expense on your behalf.¡± This came from behind Dirk, as an older Betelgeusean entered the room. She seated herself near a window by Kori¡¯s desk, and studied Dirk appraisingly. ¡°Mr Bordeaux,¡± she continued, ¡°my name is Mara Sakh, and I must confess that I argued strenuously for your imprisonment, in spite of the cost.¡± She was lying, but Dirk was too intimidated to detect the irony in her voice.


    ¡°But there is a possible solution to all this,¡± Kori went on. ¡°There is something you can do for us, that we can¡¯t do for ourselves; something that would make our expenses on your behalf worthwhile.¡±


    ¡°What¡¯s that?¡± Dirk asked apprehensively.


    ¡°The election for the IFSBG Chairman is about to get under way,¡± Kori answered. ¡°We wish to run a Candidate who will represent our views. Unfortunately, the office requires a human male, a relatively scarce commodity on our world. If you would do this for us, it would more than clear your debt. We find you to be uniquely qualified for the position.¡±


    As she spoke, Dirk began to feel cornered. ¡°Uniquely qualified?¡± he asked. ¡°Just because I¡¯m human?¡±


    ¡°Also because you are not in a position to be uncooperative,¡± Mara replied.


    ¡°Oh.¡±


    ¡°Look at it this way, Dirk,¡± Kori said. ¡°It is all right if I call you Dirk, isn¡¯t it?¡± Dirk nodded. ¡°Good. Look at it this way, Dirk. It beats the alternative of putting you in debtors¡¯ prison, and we all come away with something we want. It¡¯s a situation where nobody loses.¡± As she finished, Kori tried to smile pleasantly. Again, the smile looked uncomfortably predatory to Dirk.


    As he began to realize that he really had no good options, Dirk found it easier to accept the situation. He didn¡¯t like it, but at least the anxiety was manageable. Victory was their problem, he decided. He would just do as he was told. He took a deep breath.


    ¡°Okay,¡± he said. ¡°What do I do first?¡±


    On a remote world in the Andromeda Extents, Vladimir the Impaler read a report that puzzled him greatly. His office was somewhat spartan, given that hewas a potentate; not quite a king, but a little more than a president, by IFSBG definitions. His people had come to the Territories in the early days of the Federation, not wanting to be part of the new society beginning to emerge. They had managed to avoid being absorbed by Acme Space Guys¡ªand their political front, the IFSBG¡ªthrough a series of political and military moves over the centuries. Some of these maneuvers had been brilliant. Others had been brutal. But they had been effective. Now, Vladimir was perplexed. Acme was trying something new, and Vladimir wasn¡¯t sure he liked it. He turned to his executive assistant, Patrize Boginskaya, a woman who shared his simple tastes and intellectual alacrity.


    ¡°What is Andrew Gates up to this time, Patty?¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t know, sir.¡±


    ¡°They¡¯re sending Bamma McCall here, as soon as his four years as Chairman are done! It is intolerable. If they think we are going to make him feel welcome after all the stunts Acme¡¯s pulled, they have another think coming.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m sure he¡¯s very likable.¡±


    Vladimir softened momentarily. ¡°Of course he is. Show me a politician who is not. And he gives a very nice speech. But he does not back up any of his words with decisive action. Remember when the Ukes were thinking of joining the IFSBG last year? We invaded them, and all McCall did was talk.¡±


    ¡°I remember. There were other factors involved¡ª¡°


    ¡°That does not change what finally happened. I wonder¡ªmaybe we could feed him to Jongun, and make it look like a dreadful misunderstanding. Didn¡¯t the fellow eat his own uncle a while back?¡±


    ¡°He cooked him first, sir!¡±


    ¡°It may be worth trying. Have Boris in the Secret Police look into setting it up.¡±


    ¡°Wouldn¡¯t be a good idea, sir. The tribe likes Acme too much. In the first place, Jongun and his people like all the useless trinkets Acme sells to them. And Acme lets them think their Election Song and Dance is based on the tribe¡¯s celebration Dance at each annual cannibal feast. Acme even lets the chieftain lead one of the practice dances near the end of the rehearsals, just to be sure the Candidates all have it right. It feeds the tribe¡¯s collective ego no end.¡±


    Vladimir shook his head. ¡°They will do anything to keep a customer, won¡¯t they?¡±


    ¡°Pretty much. But there¡¯s also the situation with the Association For the Advancement of Females Intergalactic.¡±


    ¡°The AFAFI? What about them?¡±


    ¡°They¡¯re thinking of expanding aggressively. Allaine the Ethically Unambiguous has finally seized executive power, and you know she¡¯s made no secret of her belief that the IFSBG is evil, and needs to be wiped from existence.¡±


    ¡°And we are directly in her path. Wait. You¡¯re not seriously suggesting that I go make nice with Andrew Gates?¡±


    ¡°We¡¯re not big enough to hold the AFAFI back alone. We¡¯d get crushed in Allaine¡¯s crusade. Jongun¡¯s already going to Earth in a few weeks for the Election festivities, so it would be the perfect time for it.¡±


    ¡°Patty, this is not the best news I have heard today.¡±


    ¡°No one ever said leadership is all about privilege.¡±


    Vladimir sighed, knowing Patrize was right. ¡°Very well,¡± he decided. ¡°Make the arrangements. And tell the IFSBG to expect two state visitors.¡±

 Chapter 3: Candidacy

    As Dirk accompanied Mara and Kori to the IFSBG office building, his feelings were mixed. Two weeks had passed since his initial meeting with them, and they were at least as enigmatic now as before. This was partially because he had not seen much of them. They had arranged for him to live as a guest in the home of a middle class Betelgeusean family, so that he might know something of the people whose interests he would represent.


    Earlier that morning, he had been brought to Kori¡¯s office again. Mara had fixed him with her penetrating gaze, and asked him a disturbing question.


    ¡°What have you learned?¡±


    Dirk had been unable to answer the question.


    As they approached the place where Dirk would register as a Candidate, the question still bothered him. He did not think he had learned nothing in the two weeks he had been exposed to a new culture, but he wasn¡¯t quite able to pinpoint any specific, important thing to tell Mara. At least, not that he could put into words at the moment. Kori further perplexed him by suggesting he look for waysin which he may have changed. This didn¡¯t provide any answers, though; just more questions in his mind.


    But all these uncomfortable thoughts were soon swept away by the beautiful golden sculpture in front of the Federation building. The sight of it never failed to take Dirk¡¯s breath away, and make him forget his troubles of the moment. It was ringed by a wide silver band, and on that band was inscribed:


    THE GREAT SEAL OF THE INTERGALACTIC FEDERATION OF STRAIGHT, BUTCH GUYS.


    Kori stopped to inspect the Seal. ¡°Mmm. The flippers want cleaning,¡± she observed.


    ¡°I still think the ball is off-center,¡± Mara added as they went inside.


    Several days later, Dirk settled onto a bed in his suite aboard the spaceliner Entropia. An appropriate name, he thought. Instructed to relax a bit, Dirk was light years from relaxation. The registration had been a smooth enough process, he supposed. Having satisfied the basic requirements for Candidacy¡ªbeing an adult human male¡ªDirk¡¯s only obstacle had been a mental competency examination. The question was not normally raised, but he was being sponsored by Betelgeuseans, and the bureaucrats wanted to be sure. Dirk had passed, even though the examiner raised an eyebrow once or twice.


    Now the Entropia was carrying him, along with many other Candidates, to Erstwhile, Entropia¡¯s first stop on the campaign trail. Entropia was one of four sister ships, each with its own campaign route, ending on the planet Earth. Entropia went to four provincial primaries and one caucus, the remaining eleven contests being divided between the other vessels. To ensure fairness, and to keep money from becoming too great a factor, the IFSBG paid all travel and lodging expenses for the Candidates and their entourages. Of course, bribes, dirty tricks, and political maneuvering were still the responsibilities of the Candidates.


    ¡°Dirk,¡± Kori called through the door, ¡°luncheon is here.¡±


    Dirk rose, grateful for something to do. He opened the door to his private apartment, and entered the suite¡¯s living room.


    ¡°Are you rested?¡± Kori asked as Dirk sat on one of the couches that were finer than anything he had ever sat on before.


    ¡°Not really. I¡¯ve been wondering why you chose this campaign route, rather than one of the others. I know Erstwhile¡¯s in the same province as your own world, but otherwise it seems like more trouble.¡±


    ¡°That is because you have not yet got it into your mind that you want to win, Mr Bordeaux.¡± Once again, Mara¡¯s steely gaze was making Dirk feel uncomfortable. ¡°It amazes me, how little you know of the politics of your own species. The reason we chose Entropia¡¯s route is that it receives more media coverage than the other three. True, this makes the primaries along this route more prestigious, and more difficult to win, but it also grants greater rewards to those who are victorious.¡±


    ¡°How does it¡ª¡°


    ¡°I am explaining that, Mr Bordeaux. Please try not to interrupt. Right now, nobody knows who you are. We could no doubt buy you a victory in some backwater primary race, and no one would really care. You do not have the kind of notoriety that would automatically make you a legitimate consideration.


    ¡°But if you can work a miracle, and win a major primary¡ªone of the races on Entropia¡¯s route¡ªthen your obscurity will work to your advantage. You will be the dark horse Candidate, the unknown quantity. The hole card, if you will. Most of the electorate is already familiar with the heavily backed Candidates, and there is not usually a great deal of public interest in them, unless their own personalities fire the imagination. But you will be a mystery, an enigma; and the electorate will be burning with curiosity about you.


    ¡°So our choice is basically a calculated risk. While your chances of winning along this route are not as good, your odds of carrying the entire election increaseexponentially if you do win a primary. At some point, Mr Bordeaux, you must learn to dare greatly, if you are to be of use to us.¡±


    When Mara finished, Dirk remained silent. There wasn¡¯t much to say. Either he would pull off the kind of miracle Mara had described, or he would make an ass of himself on all the countless video screens in seventeen civilized galaxies. He calmly began wolfing down the lunch courteously provided by Acme Spacelines, a subsidiary of Acme Space Guys. He knew this because it was engraved on the dishes, the flatware, and the cold cuts. Before he got very far with his lunch, there was a chime of the doorbell.


    ¡°Come in,¡± Kori called.


    The door to the suite opened, and a liveried messenger entered. ¡°Time for the Honored Candidate to report to rehearsal,¡± he announced.


    ¡°Rehearsal?¡± Dirk managed, around a mouthful of roast Something sandwich.


    ¡°For the Election Song and Dance,¡± Kori supplied helpfully.


    Dirk still looked puzzled.


    ¡°Mr Bordeaux,¡± Mara remonstrated, ¡°surely you did not suppose your campaign would consist of a luxury cruise, followed by tea and crumpets? All this campaigning simply gets you into the Election Song and Dance. Once there, you will have a few short minutes to impress enough Electors to win the actual election. And you will be surrounded by competitors who would like nothing better than to see you fall on your face. So you had best be on your way to rehearsal.¡±


    When Dirk left, Kori let out an exasperated growl. ¡°Mara,¡± she said, ¡°how long do we have to play ¡®good girl-bad girl¡¯ with this clod? He¡¯s starting to irritate me.¡±


    ¡°We will play this game as long as it is necessary. He needs to believe that he has at least one ally among our race. That will help us to influence him if hegains office, or at least generates enough attention to have a media career after the election.¡± She looked significantly at Kori. ¡°If he is successful, you had better get used to being his very best friend for a number of years.¡±


    ¡°Well, I don¡¯t see why it has to be me,¡± Kori said petulantly. ¡°I may have proposed it in committee, but it was your idea, after all.¡±


    ¡°Do not be childish. You are nearly his own age, while I have a number of years on him.¡± Mara smiled faintly. ¡°I have no intention of mothering an adult human.¡±


    As Kori could think of no effective reply, she poured herself some tea.This novel''s true home is a different platform. Support the author by finding it there.


    The dance instructor was not what Dirk envisioned when he thought about dancing; this man was more like a drill sergeant.


    ¡°Gentlemen,¡± he announced, ¡°this election is a business for real men, and I¡¯ll be damned if I let any girl-boys slip by me into the Song and Dance. So starting right now, we¡¯re going to make men out of you, if the process kills some of you.¡±


    Sergeant Lonnie King was a real man, and he took his business seriously. That business was training potential IFSBG Chairmen. When all the Candidates were present, he lined them up along opposite walls of the ballroom provided for training purposes. When he addressed the Candidates, his voice could be heard clearly in every corner of the cavernous ballroom.


    ¡°All right. The first thing we¡¯re going to do is make sure everyone here is a man. I want everyone to put his hands high up inside his thighs, and pull up, hard.¡± As people hesitated to obey, he said, ¡°Now!¡± Everyone did as he was told. It made no sense to Dirk, since a complete physical examination had been part of the Candidate Screening. But Sgt King pressed on anyway.


    ¡°Does it hurt?¡±


    A few people said, ¡°Yes, sir.¡±


    ¡°When I ask the group a question, I want the group to answer! DOES IT HURT?¡±


    ¡°Yes, sir!¡± This time, the room shook with the volume of the response.


    ¡°Well, then I guess everyone in here is a man. Okay, if it hurts, you can put your hands down.¡± Some people were too intimidated to move. Grinning wickedly, King observed, ¡°I guess there are some people in here who aren¡¯t really men, or else they¡¯re pretty stupid.¡± All hands dropped.


    ¡°Now listen up,¡± King continued. ¡°Someone in this room may very well become the next chief executive of our government. And I won¡¯t approve anyone that I wouldn¡¯t be willing to salute. I don¡¯t care what anyone has told you, and I don¡¯t care if you win every race along this route. If you don¡¯t get my signature of approval, then you don¡¯t go to the Election Song and Dance, except as a spectator. So you¡¯d all better concentrate at least as much effort toward impressing me as you do the public.¡± As he spoke, Sgt King glared at each Candidate in turn. ¡°Now that we all understand each other, let¡¯s get started.¡±


    Dirk began to wonder if debtors¡¯ prison would have been worse than this. Sgt King may have been serious about the election, but the traditional dance routine was a ridiculous affair, consisting of awkward steps and gestures, while the dancers wore straw hats and skin-tight shorts, and played with walking sticks. The song was no improvement. It was silly and repetitious, dealing with the singer¡¯s enthusiasm for sports, female breasts, and the abuse of alternate lifestyles. Through it all, Sgt King was coaching, encouraging, criticizing, and intimidating. If any of the Candidates had not been taking this business seriously before, they certainly were by the end of the session.


    After the rehearsal, Dirk relaxed by the Entropia¡¯s swimming pool with two of the other Candidates, Ray Fleming and Oliver Gates. They were ignoring Sgt King¡¯s advice to keep moving and stretching for about an hour. Naturally, they were beginning to feel stiff and sore.


    Ray stood and offered a toast. ¡°To our pal, Lonnie,¡± he said, lifting his glass of sour mash. ¡°May he be raped by feminist guerillas.¡±


    ¡°Hear, hear,¡± the others responded.


    ¡°If one of us wins,¡± Ray continued, ¡°that will have to be the first Executive Order.¡±


    ¡°Hear, hear.¡±


    ¡°Say, how many sessions do we have to attend with this guy?¡± Dirk wondered.


    Ray sat down to think, but could not find his way through the alcoholic maze. Oliver provided the answer.


    ¡°A couple dozen perhaps, between primaries. They¡¯ll progress in length from two hours to maybe three and a half by the end. We¡¯ll eventually learn to dance in a group: sixteen Candidates, led by the departing Chairman, like in the actual Election Song and Dance. He¡¯ll ask the questions in the song, and we¡¯ll sing the answers back.¡±


    ¡°How do you know all that?¡± Dirk wanted to know.


    ¡°I¡¯m being sponsored by Acme Space Guys, and some of their executives are former Chairmen. They¡¯ve told me what to expect.¡±


    At that moment, an especially attractive diver performed an extraordinary dive from the high board. She emerged from the pool, at first unaware that her bathing top had forsaken her. The three Candidates stood and applauded, because that sort of thing was expected of a Candidate. She favored them with a look that may have been faintly contemptuous. Then she winked at them, and sauntered back to the changing rooms, with a definite sway in her steps. The moment left Dirk feeling uncomfortable, and more than a little foolish.


    ¡°Anyway,¡± Oliver continued when they resumed their seats, ¡°I hope you guys won¡¯t feel at a disadvantage because of Acme. I mean, the odds may be with me, but it really is anyone¡¯s election to win.¡±


    Ray hiccuped amiably, but Dirk felt a little worried. The odds definitely were with Oliver; three fourths of all the IFSBG Chairmen had been sponsored by Acme. That fact was not quite so daunting when the early years were taken into account. In those days, all the Chairmen had been Acme Candidates, after the Big, Bad Wolf had retired. But even though greater parity had been achieved in recent years, Acme still sponsored more winners than losers. Oliver changed the subject by asking Dirk who his main sponsor was.


    ¡°Pelrapeire,¡± was the reply.


    ¡°Never heard of it,¡± Ray said.


    ¡°It¡¯s in Orion Province, in the Betelgeuse system.¡±


    ¡°But which faction? Surely you don¡¯t mean the whole planet,¡± Oliver asked.


    ¡°No, just the government.¡±


    Oliver whistled low, and Ray suddenly became sober and alert. ¡°Dirk,¡± Oliver said, ¡°that¡¯s amazing.¡±


    ¡°Why¡¯s that?¡±


    ¡°Because nobody gets a whole planet backing him at first; at least, not before now. Ray came closer than anyone else in the last ten elections. He¡¯s got the entire I-Way Conservative Party behind him.¡±


    ¡°I-Way?¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s the seat of Cornucopia Province,¡± Ray explained.


    ¡°Oh. Okay, but I don¡¯t see the advantage. Other than a few extra votes¡ª¡°


    ¡°The votes of one political party don¡¯t mean much, compared to the rest of the Federation,¡± Oliver conceded. ¡°But an undivided party means money, and lots of it. There¡¯s no one in the party trying to undermine the Candidate, so no one will disagree when it comes time to spend money on him. Now, it¡¯s true that the Federation handles our travel expenses, but winning voter support, andfaction loyalty, is still up to us. That often requires impressive sums, both in advertising and bribes.¡±


    ¡°So if you¡¯ve got Acme for a sponsor¡ª¡°


    ¡°Exactly. You¡¯ve got more to spend on your campaign than just about anyone else. That¡¯s why Acme Candidates win a lot of the time.


    ¡°But you and Ray are both going to be able to compete. He¡¯s got a major party backing him unanimously, so the rest of Cornucopia should follow suit pretty quickly; and you¡¯ve got a world this early in the game. Even a small one will be able to throw a lot of cash into the kitty. And by all accounts, Pelrapeire is a very wealthy planet. Before it¡¯s over, there are going to be some fortunes won and lost.¡±


    Dirk could only agree. Ray nodded and said, ¡°Yeah, I¡¯ll bet there¡¯s going to be a major battle of the bucks over this one.¡±


    ¡°But we¡¯re not going to let it affect us,¡± Oliver stated. ¡°No matter what our backers do, we remain united. Right?¡±


    Dirk and Ray spoke their assent. They finished their drinks, and retired to their separate suites. As Dirk walked along the ship¡¯s corridor, he couldn¡¯t help but think how difficult it would be to defeat someone as confident and good-natured as Oliver Gates.


    ¡°At least,¡± he mused aloud, ¡°I couldn¡¯t lose to a nicer guy.¡±


    Jongun sat on his tribal throne, unsure of his own mood. He played idly with the latest toy from Acme Space Guys, certainly liking it. And he liked the fact that he¡¯d soon be getting ready for the long trip to Earth, for the IFSBG Election Song and Dance. Or at least its most important rehearsal. That was always fun.


    Still, he was also a bit sad. He had selected a truly beautiful girl to be his bride. What an honor for her. And she had responded by calling him fat and stupid. It had made him feel so depressed to rape her, and then order her thrown into the tribal cooking pot, sold to his tribe at a real bargain by Acme Space Guys. But rules had to be followed, especially when you¡¯re king. If the girl had just been properly awed by his august majesty, there would have been no problem, and she¡¯d be sitting on his lap as queen, right now.


    There was no help for it, he supposed. And at least he wouldn¡¯t be going to Earth completely unescorted. One of the ambassadors informed him that the great king Vladimir the Impaler would accompany him when he went. That would make him feel really important. He knew he¡¯d have to wear the traditional grass skirt for the rehearsal Dance, but he¡¯d wear a military uniform while travelling with the great king. Yes, that would be best for the trip itself. He hitched the grass skirt he was wearing for the Feast uncomfortably. The military uniforms were much more comfortable, even if they had to be specially made for his paunch.


    His former bride-to-be was served, and she really tasted nice. So much better than stringy old Uncle Theo. He¡¯d suspected she would. And he supposed that he really was happy. Life was good, after all.

 Chapter 4: Erstwhile

    Dirk was feeling a little befuddled. He couldn¡¯t complain about the food, and the wine was excellent, even though it was odd to be drinking a wine which poured different colors from the same bottle. He was on the planet Erstwhile, and he and the other Candidates were being treated to the famed Rainbow wines at a dinner party hosted by the wine producers, who called themselves the Vintners Association of Erstwhile. The dinner had been arranged at considerable cost (and it showed), and certainly no complaints could be made about the good taste of the evening¡¯s organizers.


    But something was wrong. As Dirk understood it, these get-togethers were arranged so the local power brokers could have the chance to court the favor of the Candidates, and vice-versa. But this wasn¡¯t happening. The vintners were polite, but tight lipped. Not only did they make no attempt to speak to the Candidates, but they resisted attempts to become acquainted. Their replies to the Candidates¡¯ overtures were short, monotone, and unengaging. Their behavior toward the Candidates¡¯ sponsors and other representatives was pretty much the same: their manners were well bred, but uninviting. Dirk wondered why they had bothered to throw the party at all.


    The answer was soon given. Once the dessert had been served, the man across from Dirk stood and clapped his hands for attention. ¡°Gentlemen,¡± he announced, ¡°it is customary to hold some sort of reception when Candidates for Chairman arrive at an election venue. We trust that we have fulfilled that obligation satisfactorily. And now, if you will excuse us, we shall leave you to the entertainments that have been provided at our expense.¡± Without further ceremony, he and the rest of the vintners in attendance left the banquet hall.


    The festivities picked up considerably after their departure. The wine flowed freely, and Dirk found himself drinking from a glass that had red liquid in the bottom, and green at the top. ¡°How does it do that?¡± he asked the girl on his lap. She responded by giggling and smothering him with kisses.


    Dirk enjoyed his dinner companion¡¯s attentions, but he was still confused by the behavior of his hosts. He noticed Ray Fleming holding court with maybe a dozen young ladies, and asked him if he knew why the Erstwhilers were acting so strangely.


    ¡°I understand that they¡¯re always a little peevish,¡± Ray said. ¡°It¡¯s because they think that the next Chairman, no matter who he is, is gonna be a tool of their biggest enemy, Acme Space Guys. And I suppose they¡¯re right, with most elections.¡±


    ¡°Then why do they go to all this trouble?¡±


    ¡°Mostly for image. It shows everybody that they¡¯re not ones to be poor sports, or to shirk their responsibilities. It also irritates Acme, because gestures like this keep Erstwhile fair haired in the Senate, and that¡¯s another good reason for doin¡¯ it. Isn¡¯t that right, honey?¡±


    The last question was directed at one of Ray¡¯s new friends, presumably to keep her from feeling neglected. He turned back to Dirk momentarily. ¡°Drink up, old son,¡± he said. ¡°This is some of the best product you¡¯ll ever taste outside the Cornucopia, and it won¡¯t give you a hangover.¡±


    In a quiet restaurant, Kori and Mara were having a private dinner. They had not attended any of the parties or banquets aboard the Entropia, and they were not sorry to miss the one being held on Erstwhile that evening. As they saw it, carousing was Dirk¡¯s job, not theirs. If he had asked them, they could have told him that the reason the Rainbow wine¡¯s colors did not mix was very slightly different viscosity among the different colors. But this was inconsequential to them, as much of a Candidate¡¯s partying schedule would be.


    ¡°Have you arranged the meeting?¡± Mara asked.


    ¡°One week from tomorrow, in the morning.¡±


    ¡°That does not give us much time before the balloting begins.¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s right; it starts two days later.¡±


    Mara paused, thinking. ¡°We can only assume that other factions have arranged for earlier appointments,¡± she decided.


    ¡°That was my impression.¡±


    ¡°This will not strengthen our bargaining position.¡±


    ¡°But it shouldn¡¯t substantially hurt us, either.¡±


    ¡°Really? Why do you say that?¡±


    ¡°Because the vintners surely must realize,¡± Kori said, ¡°that we are the least likely to sell them out to Acme if such actions become advantageous. We have more reason for hostility with Acme Space Guys than even they do, and we would certainly be the most reliable allies they could choose.¡±


    ¡°If they choose anyone. Remember, child, no Candidate has won a decisive victory in this province in over a century, and there has been no indication, yet, that anyone will do so this year. The fact that we have been scheduled for such a late meeting with the Vintners Association is a clear message to us that we should not rely upon our enmity with Acme to guarantee us alliance with Erstwhile. Thevintners may still find greater advantage in backing a stronger Candidate, or they may choose to back no one at all.¡±


    ¡°You don¡¯t believe they¡¯ll want to support a dark horse?¡±


    ¡°Mr Bordeaux is not a dark horse until he scores a victory. Until then, he is merely an alsoran, no matter how well financed.¡±


    ¡°Then we have to hope they like Dirk.¡±


    ¡°We must be certain that our offer is good. They understood that this meeting is to be kept strictly sub rosa?¡±


    ¡°Indeed; it seems they¡¯ve conducted such negotiations before.¡±


    Mara chuckled softly. ¡°Yes,¡± she remarked, ¡°I imagine they have.¡±


    Dirk awoke the next morning without a headache, as Ray had promised. However, he did have trouble concentrating on any one thought. He also noticed a sensation of weight on his chest. Looking down, he saw a tangle of red hair, and he could not remember how the girl attached to it got there. She stretched and smiled up at him, and he decided that it probably wasn¡¯t important.


    They were just beginning to get re-acquainted when the bedroom door opened, and Kori stepped in. ¡°Good morning,¡± she said cheerfully, ¡°and did you sleep well?¡±


    ¡°Uh¡ª¡°


    ¡°Oh, good. I¡¯m so glad you had a good time last night. And who is your new friend, Dirk?¡±


    ¡°Camille.¡± Dirk was glad that Camille chose to respond, as he couldn¡¯t have answered that question to save his life. This was the first time he had ever imbibed heavily of recreational beverages, and he decided it would be the last.


    ¡°Well, I can¡¯t tell you how pleased I am to meet you,¡± Kori continued, dripping honey, ¡°but I¡¯m afraid I must ask you to put on a robe, and let us have a few moments alone, Camille. Candidate Bordeaux and I need to have a teensy conference.


    ¡°She seems very nice,¡± Kori said when they were alone. ¡°You have excellent taste in females.¡±


    Dirk was beginning to be concerned. His short experience had taught him that Betelgeuseans never behaved so sweetly, not even toward their own families. ¡°Is something bothering you?¡± he asked.


    ¡°Of course not. Why do you ask?¡±


    ¡°It¡¯s just that you don¡¯t seem quite yourself this morning.¡±


    ¡°Attribute it to optimism. Mara and I have been watching the morning news, and we¡¯ve just heard something very encouraging.¡±


    ¡°What¡¯s that?¡±


    ¡°You were one of the standouts at last night¡¯s banquet¡ªquite the life of the party, in fact.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m sorry if I¡¯ve embarrassed¡ª¡°


    ¡°No, that¡¯s good. A macho image is vital to a Candidate; it¡¯s part of his appeal. Mara will arrange for your friend Camille to be seen leaving the suite at a rather late hour, and we¡¯ll hope she won¡¯t be able to keep her pretty little mouth shut. With any luck, your name will be on every voter¡¯s lips by next week.¡±


    ¡°I see.¡±


    Actually, Dirk did not see. Kori¡¯s reply may have explained optimism, but it did not explain behavior that would have embarrassed another Betelgeusean to witness. She might have been making allowances for a member of a less reserved race of people, but Dirk didn¡¯t think it likely. While Kori seemed friendly and intelligent, he couldn¡¯t really imagine her gushing over anything¡ªnot until now. Still, he decided not to push the matter; if she was in a bad mood, it would be better to have her gush rather than explode.


    ¡°Make yourself ready,¡± she continued, heading for the door. ¡°We¡¯re scheduled for a sightseeing tour in one hour.¡±


    Mara, seated at a divan with a cup of tea, wore a puzzled frown when her protege emerged from Dirk¡¯s room. ¡°Why are you so upset, child?¡± she asked.


    ¡°Mara, were you eavesdropping?¡±


    ¡°You evade my question.¡±


    ¡°Where¡¯s¡ªCamille?¡±


    ¡°She is eating her breakfast in the dining room. Do you choose not to respond to my inquiry?¡±


    ¡°I don¡¯t know,¡± Kori said, plopping ungracefully into a chair. ¡°I just find it so offensive.¡±


    ¡°What do you find offensive?¡±


    ¡°The spectacle those fools made last night. And it was thoroughly documented by every major news agency, for everyone to see. And then there¡¯s Camille, and others like her, who allow themselves to be exploited! This is exactly the kind of male chauvinism and superiority we need to oppose¡ª¡°


    ¡°That may be true, but it is a reality we must face, at present. We must not only face it, but accommodate it. As you pointed out, it is vital to Mr Bordeaux¡¯s image. On our present course of action, we cannot begin to effect changes in society before Mr Bordeaux gains office, or at least some notoriety. And he will not do so if he does not deliver that which society expects of him. So we must tolerate attitudes and practices which are offensive to us, and even encourage them in our Candidate¡ªfor a time.¡±


    ¡°I still don¡¯t like it.¡±


    ¡°That is your privilege.¡±


    Dirk entered the living room a few minutes later, dressed casually. Camille had already returned from the dining room, and was standing in front of a mirror, brushing her flaming ringlets. Dirk found that he agreed with Kori in at least one respect; he did have good taste in women, even when he was drunk.


    ¡°Good morning, Mr Bordeaux,¡± Mara said, interrupting Dirk¡¯s thoughts. ¡°I trust you slept well?¡±


    ¡°Um¡ªyes.¡± Dirk was still having a little trouble thinking clearly.


    ¡°That is fortunate,¡± Mara said. ¡°Today, you must look and feel your best. This is the day the foremost citizens of Erstwhile set aside to show their world to the Candidates, and they are proud of their home, Mr Bordeaux. Please try to look suitably impressed.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯ll do my best,¡± Dirk assured her, feeling slightly cheated. He had hoped this tour would be a chance for him to relax, to get out from under the microscope for a while. He should have known better.


    ¡°I am confident that you will. Do not worry about breakfast,¡± Mara said, as Dirk turned toward the dining room. ¡°I understand that the refreshments served on the tour are excellent.¡±


    ¡°Speaking of which,¡± Kori interjected, ¡°it¡¯s time for us to be leaving. Say goodbye to Camille, Dirk. We don¡¯t want to be late.¡±


    Dirk waved to Camille. She smiled and waved back, as he followed Kori into the spacious hallway outside their suite. There was a trolley waiting for them, with Oliver and his party already seated. Oliver waved Dirk to a place beside him, and when everyone was aboard, the trolley moved forward on a cushion of air.


    ¡°That was a tasty morsel you left the party with last night,¡± Oliver said approvingly.


    ¡°Yeah, but I wish they¡¯d give us a chance to rest up afterwards.¡±


    ¡°What do you think today is?¡±


    ¡°My sponsors tell me that my behavior is going to be very important today,¡± Dirk said.


    ¡°Come again?¡±


    ¡°The Erstwhilers are supposed to be very proud of their world, and I¡¯ve got to look really impressed.¡±


    ¡°Dirk, have you ever been to Erstwhile?¡±


    ¡°No.¡±


    ¡°Well, relax. You aren¡¯t going to have any trouble looking impressed.¡±


    ¡°Really? Why would my sponsors think I would?¡±


    ¡°They¡¯re Betelgeuseans.¡±


    ¡°So?¡± Dirk asked defensively, feeling a sudden impulse to stand up for his backers.


    ¡°They tend to look at things a little differently, that¡¯s all.¡±If you come across this story on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.


    ¡°But you think I¡¯ll be all right today?¡±


    ¡°Yes, I do.¡± Oliver was quite sure of himself, but he wouldn¡¯t say why. Dirk gave up trying to quiz him, and settled back to enjoy the ride.


    The trolley turned into an even larger hallway, where there were more trolleys moving guests about, and headed toward the hotel lobby. Dirk noticed that all the windows were opaque and sealed shut, just as the windows in his own suite had been. He wondered about this, but said nothing. He decided that if the reason for it did not presently become clear, it probably wasn¡¯t important.


    When they arrived at the lobby, they saw Ray Fleming and his people helping themselves to generous portions from the breakfast buffet. Ray¡¯s party had been among the first guests to arrive, and were now getting second and thirdhelpings. Realizing there would be nothing left if they waited much longer, Dirk and Oliver hurried to get into the line.


    ¡°I should have known these country boys would be up early for a free breakfast,¡± Oliver commented drily. ¡°It¡¯s a trait they all seem to share; I think it comes from smelling too much hay.¡±


    ¡°That¡¯ll be enough from you, Sonny Jim.¡± Ray didn¡¯t look too offended when he spoke, which was just as well; Oliver didn¡¯t look too intimidated by the larger man anyway.


    ¡°Oh. Hi, Ray. We didn¡¯t know you were there,¡± Oliver lied.


    ¡°Tell me another story. In the meantime, if you two urbanites don¡¯t mind being seen with us rustic country folk, I suppose we could make a little room at our table.¡±


    Before Dirk and Oliver could accept the invitation, an intercom voice announced that the Candidates should proceed to the park just outside the hotel front entrance, where the tour would soon begin. Dirk and Oliver reluctantly left the buffet table, only stopping to grab some fruit. Ray followed, carrying his plate so he could get a few more bites before handing it to the bell captain on his way out. They passed under an arch, stepped out into midmorning sunlight, and Dirk saw the rainbows for the first time in his life.


    These might not have been rainbows in a technical sense, as there were no clouds in the sky. It wasn¡¯t even humid. But, whatever people chose to call them, they were everywhere. There were giant rainbows, the ends of which were lost in the distance. Some went from hilltop to mountain top. There were small ones, no more than a few feet across. There were rainbows within rainbows. Some crossed each other, forming multicolored domes. Dirk saw one that turned back upon itself, creating an outrageous sculpture. He also noticed one shaft of variegated light that did not bend at all, but rose straight into the sky. The hotel itself stood beneath a very large pyramid-shaped ¡°bow.¡±


    Kori took Dirk¡¯s hand, and led him to a waiting aerobus. He vaguely heard a tour guide saying something, but he wasn¡¯t sure what it was. When everyone was seated aboard the bus, the wings were extended, and they rose into that magical sky.


    Dirk did not claim to be a physicist, but he was aware of some things. He knew, for instance, that a rainbow would fade and disappear as an observer approached it, and then reappear when someone was far enough away again. At least, he thought he knew this. But as the bus approached one of the mind-boggling things, it got brighter. As the bus passed by, Dirk felt he could stand on the wing and touch it.


    ¡°This is really the best way to view the rainbows,¡± the tour guide was saying, her voice betraying a hint of local pride. ¡°You see, the truly spectacular ones are found in the upper atmosphere.¡±


    As if in response to the guide¡¯s words, the bus turned toward what looked like a psychedelic mix of a fleur-de-lis and an infinity symbol. It was larger than most of what they had seen on the ground, and Dirk realized they were going to fly through it, not around it. He braced himself, as for a crash, and immediately felt foolish. Then he noticed everyone else doing the same thing. He relaxed slightly, but flinched a bit when the bus penetrated the rainbow.


    It was as if they had entered a kaleidoscope. Every color imaginable swirled in front of them, around them, and behind them. Even the tour guide stopped speaking, letting the marvels of her world speak for themselves. As they emerged out the other side, they all exhaled as one, previously unaware they had been holding their collective breath. Everyone except Kori, who was sitting next to Dirk, reading. She seemed unimpressed by the whole experience. Dirk asked her what she thought of it.


    ¡°An intriguing scientific puzzle. There really ought to be a government-funded investigation of this atmosphere,¡± was her answer.


    ¡°Huh?¡±


    ¡°Well, think about it, Dirk. Can you explain how a ¡®rainbow¡¯ can exist when there doesn¡¯t seem to be enough water in the air to refract the sunlight significantly?¡±


    ¡°No, but¡ª¡°


    ¡°Neither can I. They¡¯re really quite baffling. Did you know, for instance, that these phenomena are permanent fixtures? Our hotel was built under that pyramidal giant before we were born.¡±


    ¡°I didn¡¯t know that.¡±


    ¡°There are a lot of things nobody knows about this place. That¡¯s why studies should be made. The Erstwhilers are a pretty stiff-necked bunch, but maybe they could be persuaded in the name of science¡ª¡°


    ¡°But don¡¯t you find it breathtaking, or awe-inspiring, or at least kind of pretty?¡±


    Kori looked out the window she was seated next to, as if appraising the aesthetics of the scene for the first time. ¡°It is striking,¡± she admitted.


    Dirk leaned back in his seat. Maybe Oliver was right. Maybe his sponsors did have a somewhat different perspective than he was accustomed to. He thought about it as he munched on the snacks provided by the hostess. The food was good, as Mara had promised, and had absolutely no Acme logos on it, unlike the shipboard fare he was growing used to. ¡°Acme¡¯s getting ready to build a new planet from scratch,¡± Dirk quietly revealed. ¡°Maybe they should try to copy Erstwhile.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯ve heard one or two rumors to that effect,¡± Kori replied after a moment¡¯s consideration, ¡°but as I understand it, they¡¯re still very much in the theoretical planning stages. They¡¯ve got a long way to go before they can make it happen, unless they¡¯ve kept a lot of technological advances secret. Which, I¡¯ll concede, would not be unusual for them.¡±


    ¡°All the people at work were talking about it a lot, a few weeks ago.¡±


    Kori considered. ¡°Acme Space Guys would still need to know a lot more about this world¡¯s meteorology before attempting to duplicate it,¡± she decided. ¡°Other planets, possibly; but Erstwhile might be a little ambitious for them just yet.¡±


    While Dirk enjoyed his tasty, refreshing, and wonderfully logo-free food, the bus landed in what looked like a rainbow orchard. Rainbows were arranged in more or less orderly rows for as far as Dirk could see in any direction. As they were standing on the top of the tallest hill in the area when they disembarked, this was an impressive distance. Once again, Dirk was overwhelmed by the beauty of the place. He remembered a coworker telling him about the time Acme Space Guys had tried to repossess the planet in an outrageous legal battle, and how the Erstwhilers had never allowed themselves to become indebted to offworlders again. As he looked around himself now, Dirk could only think what a shame it would have been had Acme won, and he wondered what kind of godless heathens ran Acme Space Guys and the IFSBG.


    A tall, well-dressed man approached them from the southern side of the hilltop. He had rugged, handsome features, a moderate tan, and dark eyes that twinkled mischievously. Unlike the political sharks Dirk had encountered aboard the Entropia, this man wore a smile that looked genuine and unaffected. He was one of those people whose appearance did not betray his age; he could be thirty years old, or he could be sixty. Dirk liked him the moment he saw him.


    ¡°Honored Candidates,¡± he began, his voice clear and resonant, ¡°it is a pleasure to see you on this fine morning. My name is Francis Bright, and I¡¯ll be your host for this part of your tour. If you¡¯ll all be good enough to follow me, there are several cars waiting for us at the bottom of the hill. I believe you¡¯ll find them more convenient for a close look at the countryside.¡±


    When he had finished his greeting, Francis Bright turned and began to walk back in the direction from which he had come. Dirk and the others hurried to follow him.


    As he led the way down the hill, Mr Bright continued speaking over his shoulder. He never needed to shout to be heard by everyone.


    ¡°As those of you from agricultural areas may have guessed, we¡¯re in the middle of one of my orchards. If I had to choose my single favorite property, this would probably be it.¡±


    ¡°Because it produces the most wine?¡± someone asked.


    ¡°No, for its natural beauty,¡± Mr Bright replied. ¡°Most of the orchard land on the planet had to be torn up and landscaped. This parcel did not.¡±


    ¡°What difference does the landscape make?¡± another Candidate chimed in. ¡°I mean, the rainbows are everywhere. Why should the ground make a difference?¡±


    ¡°It makes all the difference in the world, if you¡¯re making wine.¡±


    ¡°And how do you make the wine?¡± Dirk asked.


    Everyone stopped, and became silent. Francis Bright turned to face Dirk, the light in his eyes dancing. ¡°Ah,¡± he said softly, a slow smile spreading across his face. ¡°That would be telling indeed.¡±


    In his own element, Francis Bright was much friendlier that he had been the night before. It took Dirk a while to recognize him as the man he had sat facing, who had delivered the abrupt good-night address. Dirk could not figure how the different setting could work such a change in the man. People were becoming more confusing and unpredictable as the days passed, and Dirk suspected that things would only get worse as the campaign continued.


    The cars were much better for seeing the countryside than the larger bus. They flew much closer to the ground, skimming the tops of a few of the rainbows. The cars were roofless, holding just a few people each, and made everyone feel closer to the ground, giving the illusion of natural flight. Dirk almost believed he could launch himself from his seat and fly on his own.


    Francis Bright was driving Dirk¡¯s car. He steered toward an especially large rainbow, climbing toward the apex. He slowed as he neared it, and stopped directly at the top. It was exciting to look down, but it made Dirk feel uneasy at the same time. Even though he knew he had gone much higher in the bus, he hadn¡¯t felt the altitude the way he did now. He wanted to look away from the ground, but was unable.


    After what seemed an eternity, Mr Bright guided the car down, in a lazy spiral around the farther arm of the rainbow. It was exhilarating, dizzying. It was also a relief to Dirk to escape that confusing place at the top.


    A good looking candidate, who had introduced himself as Skip Voyager, sat next to Dirk. Ray and Oliver sat behind them, and did not have much to say. Skip didn¡¯t seem bothered by their silence, though. He had something to say about everything. He marveled at the rainbows, admired the grasses and the beautifully colored flowers, and good-naturedly laughed at Dirk¡¯s momentary stupidity at the top of the tall rainbow. Within an hour, he was treating Dirk like a lifelong friend.


    Mr Bright landed the car near the base of the bow, and got out, heading toward some large picnic tables. The other cars landed nearby. Everyone followed Mr Bright.


    Dirk noticed several small, colorful mushrooms in the grass near the base of the rainbow. As he looked closer, he saw a lot of them, representing every color of the rainbow. Some were solid, some had stripes or polka dots, and some looked like they were sprinkled with stardust. ¡°What are all these mushrooms for?¡± he asked.


    ¡°They¡¯re a damned nuisance, is what they are,¡± Mr Bright answered, contemptuously kicking a few of them out of his path. ¡°These mushrooms tend to flourish under the same conditions that produce the best wines, you see. If you get one, you get the other. I guess you could say that the mushrooms are a price we pay for the wine.¡±


    ¡°They don¡¯t look all that inconvenient right now,¡± Skip remarked.


    ¡°This is an unusually dry year. This year¡¯s crop¡ªso to speak¡ªhas failed. In a really good growing season, the mushrooms get so large and numerous that we have to use heavy machinery to clear them out of the way.¡±


    The following days passed in much the same way. There were sightseeing tours, picnic lunches, banquets, parties, and a lot of campaigning between meals. Dirk found it all exciting, and discovered that he enjoyed making speeches. He wasn¡¯t sure that he agreed with everything Mara and Kori wrote concerning fairness and equality, but it was stimulating just the same.


    Naturally, the Betelgueseans had worded Dirk¡¯s speeches in a manner they hoped would appeal to Erstwhile¡¯s Vintners Association, often called the VA. Only property holders could vote in Orion Province, and Erstwhile¡¯s VA members were among the most powerful proprietors in Orion Province¡ªor anywhere else in the Federation. To obtain the approval of the VA was to win at least twenty five percent of Orion¡¯s electoral votes. Getting so much, so early in the campaign, was almost a guarantee of a Vice Chairmanship at the least.


    Unfortunately, with the exception of Francis Bright, the members of the VA did not seem overly impressed with Dirk. Mara and Kori were privately irritated by the VA¡¯s indifference, but were encouraged by the fact that no one else seemed fair haired either. Orion¡¯s decision makers were reserving judgement, and the Betelgueseans knew they had a chance.


    Their chance came on the morning of their meeting with the VA¡¯s representatives. Mr Bright was the current president of the association, which was a point in their favor, as he did seem to like Dirk. But Mara had reminded Kori earlier that the title didn¡¯t necessarily mean that was where the real power lay. They knew that they could not depend on Francis to make this meeting a success for them; they had to discover the real decision makers at this meeting, and convince them. Hence, they arrived prepared for battle, having seen Dirk off on yet another tour.


    They were shown into a conference room with a large oval table of dark, not quite black, wood. The vintners were already seated, and Francis Bright wasamong them. They stood as the ladies took their seats, and Mara inclined her head in acknowledgement, smiling faintly.


    An elegant butler poured wine of a single color from small decanters. Pale gold it was, and flashes of electric blue made it sparkle. Wealthy men would spend months on a waiting list to obtain a few decanters of Erstwhile¡¯s Gold Label; the most famous of the rainbow wines, the rarest, and the most expensive. The ladies felt the magnitude of the moment, and were no less appreciative as they sipped the legendary product.


    ¡°A courteous beginning,¡± Mara observed, ¡°and something of a surprise. One might almost suppose we are celebrating.¡±


    ¡°Perhaps it will become a celebration,¡± Mr Bright answered. ¡°What was it you wanted to discuss with us?¡±


    ¡°As you are aware, we are sponsoring a Candidate for Chairman of the Intergalactic Federation of Straight, Butch Guys,¡± Mara formally replied. ¡°We desire your support.¡±


    ¡°We thought as much,¡± Francis said. ¡°We can see that our support would be of great benefit to you. What advantages would such an alliance offer us?¡±


    ¡°To begin, ours are the two most influential planets in Orion Province. We certainly cannot guarantee Mr Bordeaux a unanimous Orion victory, but between us, we should at the very least be able to help him to a high position in the new Administration.¡±


    ¡°We can help almost any Candidate gain a high office without your aid,¡± a fidgety Erstwhiler replied. ¡°What will we gain by an alliance with you specifically?¡±


    ¡°A united front against Acme Space Guys,¡± Kori said. ¡°Together, we can loosen Acme¡¯s grip on our civilization. For centuries, Acme has held far too much power, using it to strangle political and economic competitors. We have fought a good fight, as have you, but we lose a little ground every year. If we do notcooperate now, while liberal attitudes prevail throughout the Federation, Acme will eventually crush us both.¡±


    Silence reigned for several minutes. Each man at the vintners¡¯ end of the table was thinking hard upon Kori¡¯s words, upon the images those words conjured; disturbing images, which had occurred to them before. Images of days long past, when Acme Space Guys had ruled all known civilization with an iron hand. It had taken a long time to achieve the measure of independence they now enjoyed, and everyone in the room saw the possibility of Acme¡¯s return to absolute dominance. Acme was squeezing out the competition. Slowly but inexorably, Acme was either crushing the life out of every independent business concern, or merging their interests with its own. Finally, Francis broke the silence.


    ¡°What you say is true, Ms Lrr-Sahr. But that doesn¡¯t change the fact that Acme will continue to wield a great deal of financial and political influence in the IFSBG, no matter how much opposition they face. Almost a juggernaut influence. Even united, we must eventually bargain with Acme Space Guys.¡±


    Once again, Mara smiled her slow, enigmatic smile. She knew the effect a predator¡¯s smile had upon humans, and was not above using it. ¡°It is always preferable to negotiate from a position of strength,¡± she said.


    ¡°But how much strength?¡±


    The question caused every vintner¡¯s head to turn toward the man who asked it. He was old and distinguished, and very well dressed. He had not spoken until now.


    ¡°You speak of strength,¡± he went on, ¡°but you have yet to be specific. Quite frankly, Ms Sakh, I am concerned with numbers right now. Yours is a matriarchal race, and therefore unable to vote in a general IFSBG election. In terms of voting, it¡¯s almost as if your planet doesn¡¯t exist. Everyone we have met can offer substantial voter support, except you. Granted, the people here seem to like Mr Bordeaux very much, but the general public does not vote in Orion Province; only male property holders.


    ¡°At present, you have only your economic strength to use against Acme. We know that your wealth is great, and we suspect that you have made secret alliances with powerful business groups. But we don¡¯t know how much of your strength you¡¯re willing to commit to a fight. Believe me, Acme can make the going brutal for its opponents, and we would hate to find our new allies squeamish. Just how strong is your resolve to fight, and prevail?¡±


    Mara was quiet for a moment. Then she spoke, softly but clearly. ¡°A campaign fund has been established for Mr Bordeaux. It is administered by us, of course. Several of our front business groups stand by to fund it. Will an initial contribution of five hundred trillion Solarian dollars indicate a sufficient level of resolve?¡±


    There was absolute silence in the room once more. Everyone, even Kori, was stunned by the figure. No one had an answer to Mara¡¯s question.


    ¡°Gentlemen, let me be understood,¡± Mara continued. ¡°My people¡¯s resentment for Acme runs deep. Unable to deal openly with allies and opponents alike, we have, for several lifetimes, been reduced to back room¡ªoften black market¡ªdealings. We do not appreciate it. But we have been able to build significant wealth, and we have nothing better to do with it. My sisters have given me carte blanche, and I intend to use it to change the very nature of the society in which we live. Do you wish to have a hand in that change?¡±


    The distinguished gentleman raised his glass of Erstwhile Gold Label. ¡°Madame,¡± he said, ¡°I believe Mr Bordeaux has won the support of the Vintners Association of Erstwhile.¡±

 Chapter 5.1: Tintagel part 1

    Entropia was on its way to the next stop on the campaign trail: Larry¡¯s World, in Larry¡¯s Province. Dirk occasionally wondered about the intellectual capacity of the people who named things in the IFSBG, but never voiced his concerns. If he had, he would have discovered that elementary school competitions were not uncommon. Of course, this was not the case with Larry¡¯s World.


    Larry Mountanto had been a dull-witted but egotistical explorer of the IFSBG¡¯s early days. Indeed, his only positive trait had been his dauntless, almost foolhardy courage, which had led him to venture into areas of space left alone by wiser heroes than he. In one such place, he found a truly inhospitable world, which appealed to his warped sense of adventurism, and it was there that he made his home. Larry was emphatic about the naming of the place, and as no intelligent people inhabited the desert planet, aside from his own followers,Larry¡¯s World it was. The next logical step was Larry¡¯s Province, which was accomplished by cynics with a sense of humor a few generations later.


    One might reasonably wonder how a province with such inauspicious beginnings became a major stop on the campaign trail. As is so often the case, the answer lay partly in blind luck, partly in slick, somewhat shady dealings.


    Larry Mountanto had a son who was vastly the intellectual superior of both his parents. He was also possessed of a dismal lack of moral scruples, and soon after his father¡¯s death, he decided that a bleak, desert world was not a suitable place for someone of his abilities to spend his life. Improving upon the strategies of his personal hero¡ªErik the Red of ancient Earth¡ªLarry II launched a widespread media blitz, advertising Larry¡¯s World as a virtual paradise. Maybe it was predictable that he found a people gullible enough to believe his outrageous stories. In fact, he found two.


    The Herzeloydes were a race of green-furred giants from a world of perpetual snow, ice, and freezing oceans. Life was short and harsh on their world, and the beautiful landscapes, sandy beaches, and friendly natives depicted in Larry¡¯s promotional holograms convinced them in short order. They quickly worked out a large scale real estate deal with Larry, which amounted to swapping all rights to the two planets, and any resources on them. Not one of the Herzeloydes stayed behind, even though it meant leaving their lucrative whale herding industry, which was Larry¡¯s target in the transaction.


    Larry¡¯s other victims were small, thin, and blue skinned, with smallish blue horns protruding from almost every joint, and two larger horns from the forehead. They looked like comic devils a religious cartoonist might have drawn, and their tempers were almost as bad as the Herzeloydes¡¯. The Belacanes inhabited a planet covered with jungles and swamps. It was oppressively hot and humid; they, too, were eager to trade. In this instance, it was their highly profitable reptile leather business Larry was after, and the Belacanes left it to him without a backward glance.


    Naturally, neither the Herzeloydes nor the Belacanes were aware of Larry¡¯s double dealing, and so they all received a twofold shock upon arrival at Larry¡¯s World. It was bad enough that the new homeland was not all that had been promised, but the presence of rival claimants made things unbearable. All that prevented an immediate outbreak of violence was the thought of apprehending their deceivers, and forcing restoration of the previous status quo. Unfortunately, when they arrived at the one small community on the planet, they found buildings, some machinery, and utilities such as a waterworks. They even found gardens and livestock. But no people were anywhere to be seen. Larry Gahmuret Mountanto and his followers had departed.


    The Belacanes and Herzeloydes returned to their ships, and began the long voyages home. But back on their home worlds, both the Belacanes and Herzeloydes received the nastiest surprise of all: Acme Space Guys was at both worlds, in force. Larry had sold all rights to the planets to Acme for a sizable amount of money, even by Acme¡¯s standards, plus a world which answered most of the descriptions in Larry¡¯s holograms¡ªa world which Larry had been shrewd enough to inspect thoroughly before signing any agreements. Though he did accept the cash in advance.


    Due to the nature of the deal offered by Mr Mountanto, the people at Acme had had suspicions concerning the circumstances under which the planets Bela and Herzel had been obtained. These suspicions served Acme well. Anticipating a certain obduracy from the previous owners, Acme Space Guys had strong police forces in place, in time for the joyous homecomings. This scotched the idea of taking the planets back through main force. Acme also refused to divulge Larry¡¯s whereabouts, claiming that such an indiscretion would violate the spirit of their contract with Mr Mountanto, making others reluctant to do business with them.


    In desperation, Larry¡¯s victims sought relief in the courts, but in vain. Acme Space Guys owned the courts, as they did throughout most of the IFSBG¡¯s history, and all the legal efforts of the Herzeloydes and Belacanes came to nothing. Acme was run by humans. Larry and his followers were human. But the plaintiffs werenot. Therefore, even though they were patriarchal, the plaintiffs simply were not entitled to the same rights and considerations as the respondents. Besides, as the new joint owners of Larry¡¯s World, the plaintiffs could not claim that they had no place to go. One of the senior justices reviewing the case went on record saying, ¡°Forget the legality¡ªlook at the beauty of it!¡±


    Left with no alternative, the two peoples set up residence on Larry¡¯s World. They still didn¡¯t like each other, and their collective attitude toward humans in general, and Acme Space Guys and Larry Mountanto especially, did not bear examination. But they were determined to make the best of a bad situation. And it was bad, even with the extra resources Acme had reluctantly given them at the order of a mildly sympathetic court.


    The hot, arid climate of Larry¡¯s World presented serious problems for both races. The heavily furred Herzeloydes wilted under the merciless sun. The Belacanes suffered severe respiratory problems. Water was dramatically scarce. Realizing that cooperation was as necessary as it was distasteful, the people began constructing immense, self-contained cities, complete with climate controls, medical facilities, and as many other necessities as they could manage. They survived only because they were already accustomed to harsh conditions.


    But they did survive, to the chagrin of Acme Space Guys. They discovered that Larry¡¯s World, unpleasant as it was, possessed rich mineral resources. They mined enough to meet their own needs at first, but they soon began to export. There was enough mineral wealth to satisfy the dreams of avarice. In time, Larry¡¯s World grew more profitable than the planets Herzel and Bela combined. Acme Space Guys became eager to do the moral thing, offering to return the two planets to their rightful owners in exchange for that worthless ball of dust. But the new proprietors of Larry¡¯s World were having none of it. Surprisingly, this time the courts did not back Acme. This has puzzled historians and legal scholars to this day. Some propose that the previous wrangling had required the courts to make a very definite decision in the matter, and once the decision is so firmly made, it is pointless to try to persuade a court of law to reverse itself. The principle of stare decisis has to be upheld, or no one will respect the law. Otherssuggest that Larry¡¯s World made some back room deals, and bribed more effectively than Acme. No evidence of such bribery has ever surfaced, however. And the subject has been investigated at length. We may never know what really occurred.


    Established as the legitimate owners of Larry¡¯s World, the unlikely partners spread throughout the territory, cynically calling it Larry¡¯s Province. They found many worlds with equally abundant wealth. Larry¡¯s World became the hub of the largest mining conglomerate on the books, and it was all controlled by the Herzeloydes and Belacanes. This caused Acme Space Guys no end of consternation. They had their fingers in most other pies around the IFSBG, but they were unable to make any inroads into Larry¡¯s Province, which was jealously guarded against any human involvement. Larry¡¯s Citizens, as they sometimes called themselves, even managed to get seats in the Federation Senate, making Larry¡¯s Province the first in the IFSBG to achieve nonhuman representation in that august body. Yet, in spite of all their successes, Larry¡¯s Citizens never did acquire a great deal of affection for each other, or for the humans who had unwittingly made them so affluent.


    Dirk sat back, tired by all the study Kori and Mara had assigned him. Mara had assured him that it was infantile to attempt serving a people whose history you did not know, and he had to admit that it was a fascinating subject. But he had always been an indifferent student of history and politics at best. He looked at the volume of reading he was still expected to do, and decided to have lunch with Ray or Oliver instead.


    He found them by Entropia¡¯s main swimming pool, where his suggestion of lunch met with approval. Dirk was glad to have the opportunity to speak with them, because a few things were puzzling him. More and more often, Dirk found himself going to them with questions. Kori¡¯s answers tended to be too cerebral for his understanding, and Mara often responded with nothing but a withering glare.


    ¡°There¡¯s something I don¡¯t understand,¡± Dirk began, swallowing a bite of crab something-or-other with difficulty. He had been spoiled by the wealthy men of Erstwhile, and Acme¡¯s fare was just not making it anymore.


    ¡°What¡¯s on your mind?¡± Ray asked.


    ¡°It¡¯s Kori and Ms Sakh. Everyone says I won big on Erstwhile, but they¡¯re acting like I¡¯m behind. Like I need to play catch-up. I¡¯d like to relax a little before we get to Larry¡¯s World, but they¡¯re after me to work harder than before. And study history, like I¡¯m back in school. I really don¡¯t get it.¡±


    Oliver and Ray studied Dirk for a moment. They liked Dirk, and found his ingenuousness refreshing. But sometimes they wondered if Dirk wasn¡¯t putting them on just a bit.


    ¡°Dirk,¡± Oliver said, ¡°you won about forty percent of the vote at Erstwhile. That hasn¡¯t been done in a long time, and the Orion primary is the single richest prize on the campaign trail. There were close to a hundred well-backed Candidates on Erstwhile, and you walked away with a guaranteed spot in the Election Song and Dance, not to mention the support of the Vintners¡¯ Association, which will be invaluable as the election progresses.


    ¡°But it¡¯s just a beginning, no matter how good. You¡¯ve earned four out of every ten Electoral votes Orion has to offer. That¡¯s about 35 votes for you; they still have to get the exact number, and half Electoral votes don¡¯t count. It¡¯s a spectacular result, and it¡¯s given your campaign a great start, but it will be wasted effort if you let up now.¡±


    Dirk said nothing, a puzzled frown on his face. Ray took up the thread of the explanation.


    ¡°Look, you¡¯re still a virtual unknown, son. You have only 35 Electoral votes committed to you. There are 538 overall. Now do you see? Even though you¡¯ve won a place in the Song and Dance, you¡¯ll lapse into insignificance if you don¡¯t keep building your momentum.¡±


    ¡°If that¡¯s true, why does everyone think a single victory is so important?¡±


    ¡°Aside from the fact that it guarantees you a spot in the Song and Dance, it¡¯s assumed the winner will continue to build, boy. The sooner you chalk up that first big win, the sooner you can start.¡±


    ¡°Want to know when the election is really won?¡± Oliver asked. ¡°During the week before the Song and Dance, after all the primaries are over. All the Candidates who have earned a spot in the Song and Dance will be on Earth, and so will all the delegates from the provinces. And all the votes committed to Candidates who didn¡¯t make it will be available. That¡¯s when the wealth of your backers will really make a difference. Until then, all a Candidate needs to do is stay relatively close to the leader.¡±The author''s narrative has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.


    ¡°Oliver and I each got about ten or twelve votes on Erstwhile,¡± Ray added. ¡°And we ain¡¯t even reached our home provinces yet. You¡¯ve gotta build up a lead, son, or we¡¯re gonna wipe you out. I won¡¯t deny that I like you, but I am tryin¡¯ to win, after all.¡±


    Dirk thought hard about what his friends had just said. ¡°Thanks for explaining it,¡± he said. ¡°Now it¡¯s all starting to make sense.¡±


    ¡°Don¡¯t mention it,¡± Oliver said, his manner light and jovial once more. ¡°I like to think someone would do the same for me.¡±


    On his way out, Dirk ran into Skip Voyager. ¡°Dirk, old salt. Congratulations on Orion! I¡¯ve been watching all the news shows I could find, and they¡¯re touting you as the guy to knock-out Acme.¡±


    ¡°Thanks. I hope I can live up to their expectations, but Oliver doesn¡¯t seem too worried.¡±


    ¡°He wouldn¡¯t. Listen, we¡¯ll be stopping at Tintagel tomorrow, to refuel. Ever hear of it?¡±


    ¡°Isn¡¯t that the gas giant they made over into a resort world?¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s the one. Want to try air sailing?¡±


    ¡°Uh...okay, I guess so. What time do you want to get started?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯ll meet you after breakfast. See you then.¡±


    Skip entered the lounge, and seated himself at the same table as Ray and Oliver. They left abruptly. Dirk went back to his rooms to read more about Larry¡¯s World, and to think about air sailing on Tintagel.


    Tintagel was perhaps the single grandest technological achievement of the IFSBG. Dr Roi Mark, a chemical engineer of amazing ingenuity, had come to Tintagel in frustration. All his life, people had constrained him to put a reign on his wild imagination. This trip was no different. Instead of being allowed to work on meaningful, exciting projects, he was merely assigned to study the composition of several gas giants in the area, to determine the profit potential of proposed mining operations. His superiors at Acme Space Guys actually had great faith in his abilities, and had given him a great deal of trust. But he saw the assignment as pedestrian and dull. Some of the gas giants had possibilities, and some did not. But with Tintagel, Mark was at once disappointed and intrigued.


    The disappointment stemmed from the fact that Tintagel did not possess any valuable compounds; indeed, someone with a less inventive mind would find it worthy of little note. But Mark was creative, knowledgeable, and bored. He toyed with possibilities wherever he found them.


    And what possibilities! They provided the intrigue. Mark realized that the elements and compounds of Tintagel required only subtle shifts to change from noxious gases to those that would support human life. Here was a task worthy of his genius. Mark reported his findings with an enthusiasm he¡¯d never felt before.


    Predictably, Mark¡¯s superiors at Acme were not excited about Tintagel. Mark¡¯s reports concerning the valuable components of other worlds in the region were a source of great optimism, but the response to Mark¡¯s Tintagel findings was tepid.


    This time, however, Mark did not accept a denial. Planets deemed valueless by Acme could be purchased for next to nothing, so Dr Mark bought Tintagel. He had a modest inheritance¡ªpresumably for his retirement¡ªwhich he used to secure a large loan at the First Federated Bank of Larry¡¯s World. Tintagelwas close to Larry¡¯s Province, and any plan Acme did not like was of interest to Larry¡¯s Citizens. After a serious look at Mark¡¯s proposal, the local engineers concluded that it was indeed feasible.


    All that remained was the transformation of the planet. Mark and his backers determined that while Larry¡¯s Province had all the resources necessary, Acme Space Guys could still do it more economically. So Acme¡¯s employee became its customer. Even though most of Acme¡¯s engineers did not predict success, the company was willing to provide virtually any legitimate service for the right price. Huge freighters came to Tintagel, carrying materials from Larry¡¯s Province that Dr Mark believed would make him a wealthy man. Under his direction, Acme dutifully injected the contents of their freighters into the giant ball of gas, and then withdrew to witness the results.


    It was a stunning success. Within a few days, Tintagel¡¯s radius more than tripled, drastically reducing its density. Tintagel became a uniform blue, as nitrogen, oxygen, and water vapor replaced the poisonous gases. Later, clouds began to form. Wind currents carried the clouds in intricate patterns, and rain was occasionally produced. Tintagel had become a world of sky, with an extremely dense core at the center, the gravity holding the atmosphere in place.


    Once the transformation was complete, Acme immediately saw potential for profit. Acme Space Guys wanted to build a large number of anti-grav hotels at Tintagel¡ªhotels designed to pamper wealthy customers outrageously. The marketing specialists on the scene were already planning an ad campaign when Mark and his backers informed Acme that they were all for it¡ªfor the right price. A settlement was eventually negotiated, and Acme wasted no time implementing its plans. Within a few months, ten hotels were operating, with several more under construction. Over the years, Acme and some real estate companies from Larry¡¯s Province made splendid profits. The First Federated Bank of Larry¡¯s World received payment of the loan with substantial interest, and large bonuses from a grateful Dr Mark. Roi Mark and his descendants lived like kings from the royalties. It was a shining example of what could happen when Acme was of amind to cooperate with others¡ªand those others had the foresight to ally themselves with powerful backers, familiar with Acme¡¯s usual tactics.


    Air sailing was an activity unique to Tintagel, and Dirk wasn¡¯t quite sure what it was. He got little time to wonder about it; most of the evening was spent packing. Refueling occasioned considerable tedium for passengers, and was not without its dangers. Most people opted for a stay at the nearest hotel, usually a cramped, overpriced disaster in orbit above the gas giant providing the fuel. But near Tintagel, passengers rode complementary limousines to the modern, comfortable, and expensive hotels on the world of endless sky.


    Dirk helped Mara and Kori pack what he considered to be a lot of luggage. Then they went to the departure bays, and Dirk got a chance to see some of the other entourages. Most of them required two limos or more, and Dirk had thought about sharing a ride with someone. As the current frontrunner, Dirk got the first limo available.


    ¡°Get some sleep aboard the limousine,¡± Kori advised. ¡°It will be nearing dawn at the hotel when we arrive.¡±


    Dirk obediently stretched out on a couch, but was soon aroused by a liveried messenger. ¡°Call for the Honored Candidate,¡± he announced.


    Surprised, Dirk looked to Kori. She shrugged her shoulders. Dirk followed the brisk, polite young man to a private cubicle. A small monitor displayed Oliver¡¯s face.


    ¡°Oh, hi there,¡± Oliver said.


    ¡°Hi there.¡±


    ¡°I was wondering if you¡¯d like to go on a meteorological tour with some of us tomorrow.¡±


    ¡°Can¡¯t. I¡¯ve already agreed to go air sailing with Skip.¡±


    ¡°Skip Voyager?¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s right. Maybe you¡¯d like to come?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m already committed to the tour. But thanks. I¡¯ll see you later in the evening.¡±


    ¡°Sure. Good night.¡±


    ¡°Good night.¡±


    Dirk walked back to the lounge area, puzzled at his friend¡¯s attitude. Oliver never said anything, but it was clear that he was not eager to associate with Skip. Dirk couldn¡¯t figure out why. They were both personable, intelligent, and well-connected. Both seemed to be universally liked, and had good chances to win the election. A friendship between them¡ªpossibly even an alliance¡ªseemed natural. But Oliver would have nothing to do with Skip. Dirk hated to think that he might simply be snubbing a rival, and it didn¡¯t seem likely; after all, he was affable with himself and Ray. Of course, the disturbing idea came to him that maybe Oliver did not consider them a threat. It was with uneasy thoughts that he returned to his couch in the lounge, where he dreamed of beautiful Betelgeusean women who served him hand and foot, spoiling him as though they were his harem girls. It wasn¡¯t the first such dream he¡¯d had, and now it disturbed him only a little.


    Dirk awoke to a soft shaking of his shoulder. He saw Kori standing over him in the darkness. She was no longer dressed in gossamer silks, and Dirk was vaguely disappointed.


    ¡°Time to get up, Honored Candidate.¡± There was only a trace of irony in her voice, and a slight smile on her lips.


    Bleary-eyed and disoriented, Dirk stumbled from the limousine, completely unaware of his surroundings. Kori led him to a dark bedroom, where he immediately entered a dreamless sleep.


    The next time Dirk awoke, he felt wonderfully refreshed. The early morning light poured in through the bedroom window. Dirk arose, and looked out upon a magnificent vista of blue sky and rose colored clouds. He quietly dressed and leftthe suite, deciding to breakfast at one of the hotel¡¯s terrace restaurants. The open air seemed to make everything taste better, and as Dirk ate, the sun rose higher, changing the clouds from roses to peaches to cream. Tintagel was the only place in the IFSBG where a person could stand on a level with clouds, and still be comfortable in his shirtsleeves. Dirk felt lucky indeed, to be here right now. Whatever happened in the coming months, he knew he would always be indebted to Kori and Mara for the experiences they were giving him.


    Skip joined Dirk a little later, and Oliver nodded to Dirk, but did not stop to talk.


    ¡°Why do you suppose he¡¯s acting like that?¡± Skip asked.


    Dirk shrugged. ¡°I don¡¯t know.¡±


    ¡°Well, I do. You¡¯re starting to scare him.¡±


    ¡°What?¡±


    ¡°You heard me¡ªhe¡¯s scared, because if you and I were to form a coalition, he wouldn¡¯t be a shoe-in for victory anymore.¡±


    ¡°He wouldn¡¯t?¡±


    ¡°No, he wouldn¡¯t. You see, together we could control a larger bloc of votes than he can by himself. To survive, he¡¯d have to find another powerful Candidate who¡¯s willing to subordinate his own interests to Oliver. And that¡¯s not very likely. Want to do it?¡±


    ¡°Do what, exactly?¡±


    Skip looked slightly annoyed by Dirk¡¯s slowness. ¡°Form a coalition,¡± he replied. ¡°You¡¯re still a long way from being able to challenge Oliver alone, but together, we could have him on the run.¡±


    ¡°There can only be one Chairman at a time. Who would it be?¡±


    ¡°We don¡¯t have to make that decision right away. Let¡¯s wait until later, and see who has more voter support.¡± Skip stood, offering his hand. ¡°Is it a deal?¡±


    Dirk paused, thinking. He was a little scared by Skip¡¯s directness. ¡°I¡¯ll have to talk to my sponsors before agreeing to something like this,¡± he said at length.


    ¡°Your loyalty is charming, but don¡¯t forget that you¡¯re the one running for office. It¡¯s your butt on the line for everything you do, and the decisions have to be yours, not theirs.¡± Skip offered his hand again, the cloudscape behind him adding to his charisma. ¡°Now, what do you decide?¡±


    Again, Dirk hesitated. He didn¡¯t want to say no to his friend, but it felt wrong to agree just yet. ¡°I¡¯m sorry, Skip, but I really think we should wait on this. You said yourself that some decisions shouldn¡¯t be made this early.¡±


    Skip thought a moment, then smiled. ¡°You know, you¡¯re probably right. It¡¯s best to go slow in the beginning, especially for someone like you. I keep forgetting you don¡¯t have a lot of experience in this kind of thing. But keep it in mind; it may be our best chance. I half suspect that Oliver and Ray are negotiating a similar agreement.¡±


    Dirk thought about that. ¡°That would just about kill any individual¡¯s chances, wouldn¡¯t it?¡±


    ¡°It would be devastating. You ready to go sailing?¡±

 Chapter 5.2: Tintagel part 2

    Skip led the way to the aerodocks, where he selected a small, blue craft with a white sail.


    ¡°How do these things work?¡± Dirk asked, as Skip piloted them out of the docks.


    ¡°They¡¯re a mix of old and new ideas, actually. An antigrav module in the hull of an old-style sailboat maintains a constant altitude and an even keel. This small motor,¡± he said, indicating a module in the stern, ¡°gives us a little propulsion until we find a good air current. Then, we turn off the motor, and see what we can do with wind and sail.¡±


    ¡°Is it very difficult?¡±


    ¡°Not really. I got my Tintagel sailing license a couple years ago, so I¡¯m allowed to take a boat out solo. Anyway, you do get better with practice, but the basics aren¡¯t too tough to learn. After we get clear of the local traffic, we¡¯ll let you have a try at the helm.¡±


    An hour later, Dirk was having the time of his life. At first, the sail pitched wildly back and forth. But Skip steadied Dirk¡¯s hand, and patiently instructed him. Dirk soon learned to give the tiller a lighter touch. Then he was piloting the little boat himself, which was the most incredible experience he had ever imagined. Skip was amazed at how easily Dirk took to it, and suggested that he take up water sailing. It would be much more difficult to master, but Dirk seemed to be a natural.


    Still later, Skip had the helm again. The wind had picked up, and a more experienced pilot was needed. What Dirk could not do, Skip accomplished effortlessly, almost without thinking about it. He steered the craft aimlessly, letting the wind and the vessel take the lead. Finally he said, ¡°Have you thought about it, Dirk?¡±


    ¡°About what?¡±


    ¡°About my proposal this morning.¡±


    Again, Dirk hesitated. ¡°I don¡¯t know, Skip. I really need to think about it before making a decision either way.¡±


    Skip sighed. ¡°All right,¡± he said. ¡°I guess that leaves me without options.¡± As he spoke, he detached the small motor from the stern, and tossed it over the edge.


    ¡°What are you doing, Skip?¡±


    ¡°Look down, Dirk.¡±


    Dirk did, and saw nothing but sky and clouds. He gripped the railing, his knuckles white.


    ¡°Remember Erstwhile, Dirk? How afraid you were, looking down from the top of a rainbow? This is a little more severe, isn¡¯t it?¡±


    Dirk¡¯s fear on Erstwhile was multiplied many times. The endless depths beckoned him, called to him. He could feel himself falling, falling. The rail felt woefully inadequate, when only moments before, it had been just fine.


    Dirk was jarred from his terrible fascination by Skip¡¯s voice. ¡°If you¡¯re not going to cooperate, I can¡¯t afford to have you around,¡± he said. ¡°Fleming and Gates are bad enough, but now that you¡¯re getting tight with them, I might not be able to cut myself a deal at all. And that¡¯s just not going to happen.¡±


    ¡°Where¡¯s the ground?¡± Dirk finally managed to ask, desperation in his voice.


    ¡°There isn¡¯t any. Oh, there¡¯s an extremely dense core, and you might even get a chance to see it...before the gravity crushes you.¡±


    ¡°What?¡±


    ¡°Oh, yes. You see, this breeze eventually flows into a much larger current¡ªone that¡¯ll shake this little tub apart. If that doesn¡¯t kill you, you¡¯ll be thrown clear of the wind, you¡¯ll fall, and the gravity will squash you.¡±


    As he spoke, Skip separated the lifeboat from the side of the little vessel. ¡°You might try tacking against the wind,¡± he continued. ¡°But I didn¡¯t teach you that, did I? Still, you¡¯re a natural at the tiller. You might just figure it out on your own. If I see you back at the hotel, I¡¯ll know you did.¡±


    Dirk watched Skip work, unable to move. He knew that the smallest movement on his part would send him into the abyss. Skip stopped what he was doing, favoring Dirk with a final glance. ¡°You really should have dealt with me,¡± he said. He stepped into the lifeboat, cast off, and was gone.


    Dirk crouched into a fetal position, hugging the rail even tighter. He wanted desperately to go to the helm, and at least try to save himself. But that immense, blue gulf beneath him threatened to swallow him forever if he daredeven to stand. He shut his eyes tight, and wished himself back on Erstwhile, where everything was safe and pleasant, and people liked him so much. It didn¡¯t seem fair that he should have to die just yet. Was it just him, or was the wind beginning to pick up?


    Dirk felt rough hands upon him, and he was made to stand and walk to the center of the small deck, away from the sides of the boat.


    ¡°Mr Bordeaux! Mr Bordeaux, are you all right?¡±


    The words brought Dirk out of his funk. He opened his eyes, and saw a rough, no-nonsense face examining him closely. ¡°Yeah, he¡¯ll be okay,¡± the face said. ¡°He probably just has acrophobia. Let¡¯s get him aboard. We¡¯ll tow this wreck back for evidence.¡±


    Two other unpleasant men grunted in the affirmative¡ªone from the stern, the other from the small cabin forward. Both men had cameras, and seemed intent on photographing Skip¡¯s handiwork.


    The man in the cabin came aft. ¡°Radio¡¯s demolished,¡± he announced. ¡°Voyager must have seen to that while Mr Bordeaux had the helm.¡±


    ¡°We¡¯ll piece it together later,¡± the leader said. ¡°Right now, our main priority is Mr Bordeaux.¡± He returned his attention to Dirk, and pointed aft. ¡°If you¡¯ll accompany us, sir.¡±


    Several yards off the stern stood a sleek, white craft with no identifying markings. It stood still against the wind, holding Dirk¡¯s boat in place with tow ropes.


    Dirk eyed his saviors fearfully. ¡°Are¡ªare you kidnappers?¡± he blurted.


    The three men gave Dirk hard looks for a moment, then began to laugh humorlessly. ¡°Hardly, Mr Bordeaux,¡± the leader replied. ¡°We are with the IFSBG Secret Service. Johnson is my name, and my associates are Mr Green,¡± he indicated the man from the cabin, ¡°and Mr Rosenthal. Our assignment is to observe and, when necessary, protect a Candidate for Chairman who has won amajor victory. Thus making himself a potential target for assassins, kidnappers, crackpots, and other Candidates. If you¡¯ll come with us, we¡¯ll be pleased to return you to your hotel, sir.¡±


    The man indicated a skiff waiting at the stern railing. Dirk still hesitated, and each of the men pulled a black, rectangular device from his jacket. Now Dirk knew that they were indeed kidnappers. ¡°There¡¯s no need for weapons,¡± he said, as they moved toward him. He hoped he sounded brave. ¡°I¡¯ll go peacefully.¡±


    The men opened the devices, presenting very official-looking badges for Dirk¡¯s inspection.


    ¡°Mr Bordeaux,¡± Johnson said, ¡°I assure you, we are not kidnappers. We desire only to take you back to your hotel, where your sponsors already await you. We took the liberty of notifying them the moment Mr Voyager left you.¡±


    Dirk had never felt so embarrassed. He stepped forward uneasily, trying not to think about the endless depths beneath him. ¡°Gentlemen,¡± he said, ¡°please forgive me for behaving so stupidly.¡±


    ¡°Don¡¯t give it a second thought,¡± replied Mr Rosenthal. ¡°We¡¯ve forgotten it already.¡±


    Mr Green jumped over to the skiff, and they helped Dirk across. He nearly fainted when he had to step between the two craft, with nothing underneath him, but Johnson and Rosenthal had state of the art flight equipment, and they kept a tight hold on Dirk. Mr Green handed Dirk in. Mercifully, they were able to dock with the mother ship.


    When they arrived at the aerodock, the Betelgeuseans were waiting, as Mr Johnson had promised. As usual, Mara¡¯s face was unreadable. Kori, on the other hand, was livid. The Secret Service agents didn¡¯t appear to notice, but by now Dirk knew her well enough to see that she was furious. He couldn¡¯t understand why, though. He was relieved simply to be alive.


    ¡°Mr Johnson,¡± Mara said, ¡°we cannot adequately express our gratitude. We shall always be in your debt.¡±


    ¡°Not at all, ma¡¯am. Mr Bordeaux is very important to us all. Otherwise, we wouldn¡¯t be here.¡±


    ¡°What should I do about Skip Voyager?¡± Dirk asked.


    The faces of the three agents became grim. ¡°Don¡¯t trouble yourself over him, sir,¡± Mr Green replied quietly. ¡°The election is your concern¡ªbeing the best Candidate you can. Minor inconveniences such as Mr Voyager are our affair.¡±Unauthorized use: this story is on Amazon without permission from the author. Report any sightings.


    On that note, the Betelgeuseans led Dirk back to their suite. Kori had nothing to say at the moment. Dirk knew that this would only make it worse when she finally released her anger. There was a kind of rhythm to her temper, and Dirk had learned to hate it when she kept it bottled up. That only caused it to build up a good head of steam. They arrived at their rooms all too soon for Dirk¡¯s liking; Mara went immediately to her bedroom, leaving Dirk alone with Kori.


    ¡°You idiot!¡± she exploded, turning on him. ¡°How could you take a risk like that? Do you have any idea what you mean to us? How much we¡¯ve already invested in you? Well, DO YOU?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m sorry,¡± Dirk answered quietly. At this point, there was nothing he could say that would turn her anger.


    ¡°That¡¯s nice, but ¡®sorry¡¯ isn¡¯t going to make everything all right. If you can¡¯t take care of yourself, then it looks like I¡¯ll have to do it for you. From now on, you don¡¯t go anywhere without me. You don¡¯t associate with anyone Mara and I don¡¯t approve in advance. And you never¡ªever¡ªgo where the Secret Service cannot easily stay close to you. Got it?¡±


    ¡°Got it,¡± Dirk said. He knew there would be no point in arguing with her. Not that Kori gave him a chance. She stormed out of the room as soon as she finished speaking, leaving him to reply to empty air.


    Some time later, Mara joined Dirk in the sitting room. He had been sitting so still that she didn¡¯t realize he was there. When she noticed him, she almost withdrew, then stepped softly into the room.


    ¡°I beg your pardon,¡± she said. ¡°I was not aware that the room was occupied. Do you wish me to go?¡±


    ¡°No, that¡¯s all right.¡±


    ¡°What disturbs you?¡± Mara asked, sitting on a couch across from him.


    ¡°Kori. Why was she so angry with me? It¡¯s not like I tried to get myself killed, you know.¡±


    ¡°She was frightened. No one likes to be frightened.¡±


    In her usual fashion, Mara chose not to say anything further. She rose to turn on the lights. Twilight was coming, and Dirk had not opened the curtains. A bell rang, and Mara activated the door as well.


    One of the liveried Campaign Messengers stepped in. ¡°Honored Candidates are requested to come to the Grand Ballroom,¡± he announced.


    ¡°Very well. Mr Bordeaux will be along shortly.¡±


    The messenger was more than a little surprised that a nonhuman female should address him so casually. ¡°Madame, the Candidates are requested to come immediately,¡± he replied somewhat stiffly.


    Mara favored him with a predatory look that made him cringe. Her claws snicked out of their sheaths audibly. ¡°Mr Bordeaux,¡± she said, ¡°accompany the gentleman.¡±


    Dirk followed the man, who was visibly relieved to depart. He pointed Dirk to the correct room, said he had others to notify, and left. Dirk was starting to notice that a lot of people connected with the election, including many of the Candidates, preferred to have as little to do with him as possible. And though he did not pretend to be a great sophisticate, he knew that his Betelgeusean sponsors were the main reason. He entered the ballroom, and was not surprised when no one rushed to greet him.


    Far from feeling bitter about being ostracized, Dirk was glad of it. Most of the other Candidates were shallow, cynical, and opportunistic, almost to the point of being machiavellian. Luckily, Dirk reflected, they possessed neither the daring, nor the imagination, of Skip Voyager. It didn¡¯t occur to him that just a few weeks before, he would have been thrilled to be among them.


    Ray Fleming walked in a few minutes later, saw Dirk, and joined him. Oliver arrived soon after, and did the same. Dirk noticed that the other Candidates kept their distance from his two companions as well, but he recognized that it was not due to bigotry. Oliver Gates and Ray Fleming intimidated the crowd. They all seemed to be aware that these two were a cut above them, and that they did not choose to have their time wasted by lesser competitors.


    ¡°Heard you had a little excitement today,¡± Ray cheerfully said.


    ¡°A little. Did you guys know he¡¯d try something like that?¡±


    ¡°Well, we¡¯ve never pretended to like him,¡± Oliver admitted. ¡°But we never thought he¡¯d go this far, and certainly not this soon.¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s right,¡± Ray confirmed. ¡°We sure didn¡¯t suspect the guy of abject stupidity.¡±


    ¡°You might have warned me.¡±


    ¡°What could we say?¡± Ray asked, shrugging his shoulders helplessly. ¡°Voyager was being a blood brother to you; you¡¯d never have believed us. Besides, we thought he was just trying to make an advantageous partnership. That¡¯s no crime where we¡¯re going.¡±


    ¡°The most we could do,¡± Oliver added, ¡°was hope that if he did try something, he wouldn¡¯t outwit the Secret Service. It seems he didn¡¯t.¡±


    ¡°You¡¯ve known they¡¯ve been following me all along?¡±


    ¡°Sure. Didn¡¯t you notice? You got your shadows right after the Orion vote. Oliver and I had escorts from the start, but that¡¯s because we¡¯re the odds-on favorites to win at our homes. Even Skip would have a couple, except that no onetakes people from Mondo too seriously. And this event sure ain¡¯t gonna help their image.¡±


    ¡°But if Secret Service agents are watching everyone, why did Skip try to get rid of me like that?¡±


    Oliver scratched his throat, thinking. ¡°The best guess I can make is that he just got desperate. Desperate people don¡¯t always think too clearly. I know it sounds stupid, but the evening news chronicles this sort of thing all the time.¡±


    At that point, Sgt King arrived. All conversation around the room stopped. The sergeant¡¯s face wore a very businesslike expression; the sarcastic humor, the impatience, the explosive anger, were all gone. In his right hand, he carried a rolled-up sheaf of papers.


    ¡°I¡¯d like to thank all of you for coming on such short notice,¡± King began. His voice was not especially loud this evening, but it carried. ¡°I¡¯m afraid this is not a social call. A most unpleasant matter has come to my attention, and it must be resolved immediately. Will Mr Skip Voyager please come forward.¡±


    Skip gave Dirk a murderous look, and he and a group of his followers stepped into the wide circle that had formed around Sgt King. King eyed them a moment. ¡°I would like to mention that I did not ask anyone to accompany Mr Voyager,¡± he remarked. The lesser Candidates hesitated, then melted back into the crowd. Skip was alone.


    ¡°Mr Voyager, some very serious accusations have been levelled at you today. Among them, the charge that you premeditatedly lured a fellow Candidate into mortal danger this morning. That you deliberately left him in said danger. That you maliciously sabotaged his radio, so that he could not summon help. That you did the same to his ship¡¯s single engine, so that he could not maneuver against the winds of the planet Tintagel.¡± Sgt King paused, tapping the sheaf of papers against his palm. His eyes held Skip immobile. ¡°Mr Voyager, would you care to respond to any of these charges?¡±


    Skip faced Sgt King defiantly, refusing to give an inch. ¡°These are all outrageous lies,¡± he said. ¡°Let¡¯s not be shy about this; we all know who¡¯s making these accusations.¡± He turned, pointing at Dirk. ¡°Dirk Bordeaux has dreamed up all of these charges. Elated by his Orion victory, he is determined to remove all other strong Candidates from the race, thus assuring himself of victory.


    ¡°But we must not lay the blame for this scheme at Dirk¡¯s feet,¡± he continued. ¡°We all know how naive and ingenuous he is. It was his diabolical Betelgeusean sponsors who put the idea into his head! His Candidacy is nothing more than a power play on their part. They seek to subvert our great society, and impose their disgusting feminist views upon the decent people of the IFSBG!¡±


    Dirk could not believe what he was hearing. He knew there was no way he could disprove anything Skip was saying. Virtually everyone in the room was predisposed to believe Skip, and would gladly think the worst of Dirk and his sponsors. Skip glared triumphantly at Dirk for a moment, then turned back to Sgt King.


    ¡°Sir, I agree that this matter must be resolved here and now. Otherwise, no Candidate will be safe from Betelgeusean machinations. I say that Dirk Bordeaux has falsely accused a fellow Candidate, and must therefore be disqualified!¡±


    ¡°Three gentlemen of the Secret Service have sworn out affidavits to the contrary,¡± Sgt King replied. ¡°And they have further indicated to me that they are willing to testify before a Board of Inquiry that you are a would-be murderer and a liar.¡±


    As Sgt King spoke, the color drained from Skip¡¯s tanned, handsome face. His eyes darted nervously, looking for an avenue of escape. The sergeant bore down mercilessly.


    ¡°Mr Voyager, this is your official notice that you have been disqualified from Candidacy for Chairman of the Intergalactic Federation of Straight, Butch Guys. The appropriate documents have been forwarded to the Election Committee, and your primary sponsors have been notified. These are yourcopies,¡± he concluded, holding out the sheaf of papers. When Skip hesitated to take them, Sgt King spoke again.


    ¡°You may elect to refuse your copies at this time, forcing us to embarrass you further with the Board of Inquiry. However, it is my duty to advise you against such an unwise course of action. Federal prison could follow.¡±


    Slowly, struggling to hold back tears, Skip took the documents. He walked stiffly from the room, trying to retain some dignity. Sgt King surveyed the remaining Candidates, still cold and unemotional.


    ¡°Let this be a lesson to us all,¡± he suggested. ¡°Someone who lacks character, or thinks himself above the law, is unfit for the Chairmanship. Such a person will never be my Commander in Chief. Good evening, gentlemen.¡± Without further ceremony, Sgt King left the room.


    ¡°Wow. That¡¯s one tough old bird,¡± observed one of the younger Candidates from the Cornucopia. ¡°He reminds me of my grandmother. One time, she French kissed a rattler, just to show there wasn¡¯t one of us as bad as her.¡±


    ¡°What happened after that?¡± Oliver asked, intrigued.


    ¡°The snake died.¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s too bad,¡± Oliver said amid the merriment that followed. ¡°I was kind of thinking we could introduce them.¡±


    ¡°What, introduce Sgt King to my grandmother?¡±


    ¡°No¡ªto the snake.¡±


    More laughter erupted, but Dirk didn¡¯t feel like joining. He slipped out quietly, feeling a little guilty for Skip¡¯s plight. He knew there was no reason for it, but he could not help feeling somewhat responsible for what had happened. As if he should have taken some of the blame for Skip.


    Dirk wasn¡¯t sure where he was heading, until he arrived at the restaurant where the day¡¯s events had begun. It was quite late, and only a few patronsremained, talking quietly over coffees and desserts. Most of the lights were extinguished, the rest subdued.


    Dirk walked to the edge of the terrace, though he feared to do so. He knew there were dozens of safeguards to keep him from falling, but the sense of danger was still there. Like so many people before him, he sat on the low railing, and looked out upon infinity. The blackness of space was littered with stars. They were above him, beneath him, to the left and right. They were so thick and numerous that Dirk couldn¡¯t have made out constellations if he¡¯d known what to look for on Tintagel. It was as though he hung suspended in space, with nothing between him and the cosmos. Above him was a gigantic green moon. Beneath his feet were two more the size of beach balls¡ªone gold, the other red.


    Dirk drank deeply of the magnificent panorama, feeling more alive than he ever had before. Then, he turned and fled from that horrible, beautiful sky.