《Finding Equilibrium between Oil and Water》 The world might just be a hat... My name is Freyr Halldorsson, I¡¯m a ¡°damaged¡± human being so to say. I come from a long line of mental disability within my family. I¡¯ve been diagnosed with aspergers and ADHD. Which in turn makes it hard for me to interact with others. they are my strongest and weakest points, it might sound funny but it truly is the case¡­ If you don¡¯t know what aspergers and ADHD is, then let me summarize my symptoms. My aspergers makes me have a hard time picking up on social norms, as if my mind is not built for social interaction. Understanding intentions through body language or tones of speaking was a hard concept to grasp which I had to train myself for all my life. And my mind is more geared towards logic and reasoning, most people with aspergers have it easy with patterns and scientific subjects. In reality it is a mild autism, yet the grade of ¡°functionality¡± differs from person to person. According to my papers I have a mild case. Then we have my ADHD which in a lot of cases is the polar opposite of my aspergers. It makes me impulsive, and have issues with focusing on basically anything I don¡¯t have great interest in. My focus gets broken by the slightest movement in the corner of my eye, minor chattering or sounds, and even strong lights. Yet it also gives me the ability of what they call ¡°Hyper focus¡± which lets me completely disappear into my own world when I find something that truly fascinates me. And to some degree makes me more emotionally ruled. But worst of all my mind is always stuck in last gear, never slowing down, and always branching into new thoughts that circles around over and over again. And this is why I would describe myself as damaged. One diagnosis rules my mind through logic and rationality, whilst the other one wants me to be impulsive and ruled by my emotions. A constant battle between heart and mind is what I call it. Yet this is what makes me¡­ Me I guess. I always wonder what I would be like if it were not for my diagnosis. Considering the fact that I believe my intellect stems mostly from the rational mind of an asperger. Yet with the meeting of one particular person all of this changed. My mind refused to believe the change, whilst my heart believed in the change entirely. No I guess more forced to believe. I was tired of being an outcast of society with no functional skills to live in the real world. Yet I got the chance to enter one more suited to me¡­ ¡°Beep¡­ Beep¡­ BEEP¡­ BEEP...¡± ¡°Urgh damn alarm¡­¡± I¡¯m way too tired for this shit. Should I shower for this meeting? Nah I can¡¯t be bothered to, either way it¡¯s just a functionality evaluation either way. Time to hear the same drivel again. I wonder what the point is, it¡¯s not like I¡¯m eligible for a job or have the mental state to continue school. the meeting is at one o¡¯clock and it¡¯s currently half past twelve. Guess I should just get going then. Just as soon as I leave my room, I enter the long corridor that I believe once was white, yet now it¡¯s more in a yellowish tone, probably from all the cigarettes that us inhabitants smoke, I kind of like this place though, it¡¯s simple and no one really bothers you more than the occasional question for a cigg. Entering into the courtyard I place my hand in a horizontal position on my forehead to block out the blazing sun, not being accustomed to the bright light. The lighting in the dorm is just too low to ever seem to prepare you for the sun in the middle of summer. one part because the administration uses energy saving lighting, the other part because of people like me with asperger''s who can be sensitive to light. Bloomingdale institute, a place is like a foster home for misfits with mental diagnosis, but for new adults. A government sanctioned place set up to be an institute to help people like me, but honestly I think it¡¯s just to place us out of the way, so the ¡°normal¡± people can get on with their day without interruptions. They accommodate over 300 people currently. Most of the staff looks at us like nuisances whilst the occasional few actually look like they are here to help. I¡¯ve been here for two years now, during these two years they¡¯ve set up multiple psych evaluations and provided me with some pocket change every month for personal use. It¡¯s not much but I don¡¯t really care since the food is free of charge and lodging is also free. It¡¯s situated within the grounds of the Bloomingdale hospital, most inhabitants joke around about us really being inside a ¡°looney bin¡± which honestly isn¡¯t that different except for the freedom to go wherever we want during the day. We have a curfew at 10pm, and forced to take medication if our mental health is severe enough. I guess it¡¯s like preschool for a mental hospital now that I think about it. As I walk through bricked path surrounded with grass and trees on either side, I make my way to the psychiatric wing of the hospital, the walk is just 2 minutes away. The dorm house was probably repurposed from something else so that we have easier access to the psychiatric wing. I push the button for the self opening doors as I walk into the reception. I¡¯m immediately greeted by Ellen, the only receptionist I have somewhat of a relationship with. ¡°Morning Freyr, the Dr. Kedven will be with you in just a minute.¡± I quickly respond with my usual phrase as this is a common occurrence. ¡°It¡¯s not morning it¡¯s afternoon currently.¡± After a slight sigh she once again opens her mouth ¡°You just woke up so to you it should be morning¡±. I sigh in response ¡°Morning is a set point in time at 6am, doesn¡¯t matter when the individual wakes up¡±. she once again sighs and shakes her head. ¡°You should stop looking at the world as a collective, and start basing it upon your own ideals. Continuously using rational and logical terms and strictly basing words on the dictionary will only keep you stuck in the collective mind of the world, there is more to this world than meets the eye you know.¡±If you come across this story on Amazon, it''s taken without permission from the author. Report it. ¡­ After a couple of minutes of thinking to myself I find myself quite perplexed by her last speech, she seemed so sincere with that ideal, yet in my head it makes no sense. The world is a collective of people when spoken in that kind of term. Then how can the world be individually different? In my mind the world is a generalised way to see the world, based on majority beliefs about our world. But then again in that case if the majority of people believe the world is really just a hat, or something stupid like that. Would that mean that the definition of the world would change? I mean the literacy of a word has proven to be changed by time on multiple occasions so why would the same not apply to this? Even if it doesn¡¯t make much sense in general it¡¯s still a word and should be held to the same rules as all other words... I¡¯m getting a headache just thinking about it. As soon as I break my focus I look up at the clock and realise that I¡¯ve apparently been lost in my own mind for 15 minutes. I could suddenly hear the giggling of Ellen, knowing her she¡¯s probably been staring at me and laughing the entire time knowing her¡­ That¡¯s just the kind of person she is, highly philosophical, the same age as me at 22 years old.I¡¯ve never seen he without hospital scrubs on which hides her figure, but from the look of her forearms she looks quite well trained. She always has her hair in a ponytail accompanied with a gentle smile, yet I can¡¯t seem to shake the thought that there is much more to her than meets the eye. ¡°I envy your way to just lose yourself within your own mind ya¡¯know Fryer¡­ I¡¯m always stuck in the present of the world, whilst you have an entirely different world within that head of yours. You also always take my words seriously whilst most other just ignore them anytime I open that big mouth of mine haha.¡± ¡°Well this mind of mine is both a blessing and a curse¡­ And why wouldn¡¯t I take them seriously, from my observation you¡¯ve never told me a lie, and you¡¯ve never told me something you yourself don¡¯t believe.¡± Ellen looked slightly surprised for a fraction of a second which immediately turned back to her gentle smile. ¡°Don¡¯t tell my colleagues but I honestly believe you are more qualified to be a psychiatrist than they are in some fields.¡± As soon as I was about to answer, Dr. Kedven came down the hall and motioned me to follow him with his hand. Reluctantly I walked off with him, even though I wanted to stay and chat with Ellen a bit more. Going through the long corridor we enter into Dr. Kedven¡¯s office, the walls were mostly empty except for the display of his PHD, in the corner was a desk with a slightly old computer with a squeaky office chair that looked quite worn out. On the wall opposite was a bookcase containing a multitude of books on psychology. and lastly in the corner was a round table and two old and slightly deteriorated armchairs. I sat down into an armchair without giving any pleasantries, considering that we¡¯ve already sat down here a multitude of times during the last two years. As soon as we¡¯re both seated he begins flipping through his papers whilst clearing his throat. ¡°EHEM. So Freyr, I¡¯m just going to read through these papers which are to be sent to the administration of work so that they can try to find a suitable job for you in the future, if there are any discrepancies at all please tell me and we will have it changed immediately.¡± I give a slight nod as I make a mental note of what he¡¯s probably going to mention, honestly though no one will be able to take me up for a job considering my mental and physical state¡­ I¡¯m not even sure if I want a job to begin with, having to face a job knowing that you will be fired within 2-3 months it¡¯s not really something I look at fondly¡­ ¡°So, your name is Freyr Halldorsson, originally from iceland, you come from a family of 4 with a long line of mental diagnosis, an alcoholic father with aspergers, paranoid personality, and bipolar disorder as well. Your mother is a an individual with drug dependencies, repeat offender, she also has ADHD along with severe ligament issues. Your...¡± ¡°Wait a minute what does my mothers criminal record to do with any of this? I would like you to strike that from the record, I don¡¯t much enjoy the slandering of my mother.¡± ¡°Well it¡¯s permanent information for the employers to have to have a mental map of how your past has been and how it might affect you as a person.¡± ¡°whatever fine¡­¡± Repeat offender huh, a damaged mother doing her best with her two sons whilst having an abusive husband with great mental instabilities and gambling issues¡­ so what she dealt drugs, it was all to get me and my brother away from my dad. But of course that doesn¡¯t matter. ¡°Well let¡¯s continue where we left off. Your brother has bipolar disorder along with ADHD, several misdemeanors as a juvenile and is currently in jail for attempted murder. Anything you would like to strike from your family background that isn¡¯t accurate?¡± ¡°No¡­¡± My brother is painted as a common criminal huh¡­ well there isn¡¯t any point in trying to strike that either since they wouldn¡¯t strike my mother¡¯s charges from the paper¡­ ¡°Okay moving on to you, 22 years old, having Aspergers ADHD, on and of anxiety and depression. Alongside with ligament issues. A past of drug abuse, though clean for 3 years. Endured a traumatic childhood, which will not be specified in this as to request of client. Studied psychiatry from a young age to overcome his social problems, more accurately studying human behavior alongside body language and speech. Has astounding capabilities within pattern recognition alongside astounding memory capabilities, and an IQ of 186, yet inhibited to use effectively due to issues with concentration and general lack of motivation. Finished high school with average grades. did not go to college or university.¡± The meeting continued on for quite a while seemingly restating the same thing over and over again with different wording. Honestly feels like he¡¯s only trying to make himself look more intellectual. Yet I feel that how he formatted and worded the entire thing seemed like a highschoolers level of knowledge. I find it funny that our world is run through papers and not personal interactions, apparently that scrap of paper amounts to the entirety of my past present and future. But humans are much more complex than that, there is only so much you can learn without gaining a view of the perspective of said person. Emotions, thoughts, body language, tone of speech, wording, philosophy, of the past and present. That is the only way to get to know a person truly, yet that¡¯s not the way the world works anymore, yet honestly with the age of mass production and globalisation, we can¡¯t go around and wasting time on all of that. It¡¯s sad but necessary to accommodate the average person. Yet in the process the rest just get tossed to the side. I don¡¯t hate the world for being like this nor do I love it. Individuality just isn¡¯t a luxury that we can afford nowadays. But what do I know about the world, for all I know it might just really be a hat. Breakdown Well screw this depressive mood, I¡¯m going to go out and bask in the sun for a bit. I need a change of mind after that meeting, I can¡¯t really stand thinking about the past too much nowadays¡­ ¡°How did the meeting go Freyr?¡± ¡°It went as good as I expected, basically a signed paper saying that I am a useless individual both physically and mentally.¡± I responded back to ellen with a bittersweet smile. ¡°They¡¯re wrong you know, after working here for the past year I¡¯ve noticed that you are by far more gifted and interesting than anyone else here.¡± ¡°I don¡¯t think you¡¯re allowed to say that as a staff member of the hospital haha, I know you¡¯re just trying to cheer me up. I¡¯m fine though, I appreciate the effort but please don¡¯t think you need to cheer me up, I¡¯m not that pitiful, at least not yet.¡± Ellen smile abruptly disappeared from her loving face as soon as I said the words. As she regained her posture she was just about to open her mouth, but I really couldn¡¯t bear with it so I jolted out the door. Damn it¡­ I took out my frustration on ellen who does nothing more than support me, she¡¯s the only ¡°friend¡± I have here. Hopefully she didn¡¯t get too disgruntled by my selfish statement. I honestly am that pitiful, but I refuse to admit it at least to others. If there is something I hate above all in this screwed up world it¡¯s to be looked upon like a helpless lamb¡­ As I stood in front of the dormitory I started doing some stretching which soon turned into some old teachings I used to receive by my old friend and teacher. More precisely it was a three pronged combo from the martial art Muay thai. A left jab to the face followed by a right kick to the thigh and lastly a spinning back fist to the side of the skull. It used to by my favorite technique to train, it¡¯s simple, effective and packs a real punch so to speak. After a few reps I suddenly felt a sharp pain in my hip as I gritted my teeth close fisted with my eyes closed. ¡°Are you okay!?¡± I turned my head to see ellen running straight towards me with worried eyes. ¡°I¡¯m fine it¡¯s just my hip joint acting up again. God dammit.¡± Ellen shifted her eyes up and down assessing me with curious alongside a worried expression. ¡°I¡¯m sorry for before, I didn¡¯t mean to take out my mental anguish on you¡­ You are my only friend in this place, but I can¡¯t stop feeling envious when I see you¡­¡± ¡°Envious? Why?¡± Ellen said slightly shocked. ¡°Even under those loose scrubs I can see that you have a well trained body, you know when I was a kid I used to be full of life, trying out new sports every other month. I wasn¡¯t ever good at any of them, but it was still fun to move my body. And then I found martial arts, I loved it even though I was horrendous with it.¡± ¡°That was muay thai that you were practicing just now wasn¡¯t it?¡± ¡°Yeah, my old friend used to teach me after lockdown in the local boxing gym where I was born. I trained hard for 6 months, that was 4 years ago now. It¡¯s one of the happiest yet disastrous moments in my life¡­¡± ¡°How so?¡± Ellen responded with a smile that didn¡¯t quite seem like a smile. ¡°Well, I injured myself repeatedly, thinking I just did the techniques wrong, or that it was because of my stiff ligaments. One time when I was sparring with my friend I landed the most satisfying punch I had ever mustered, a spinning backfist that actually managed to topple my friend to the ground for the first time during our various sparrings. Yet before I could savor the moment my friend pointed out my busted hand¡­ we had to rush to the hospital in the middle of the night. After a checkup and bandaging I was notified that I had two hairline fractures running across my bones, and my hand had been popped out of the socket¡­¡± I responded as I clenched my fist and stared into the ground. ¡°Is that when?¡± ¡°Yeah that¡¯s when I got notified about my ligaments, not only do I have weak bone density and stiff ligaments, my ligaments are loose, meaning that they easily pops out of their socket, due to this I got strongly advised not to do anything physically straining. *sight* apparently this manifested with my aging, and since then it¡¯s only gotten worse. I don¡¯t give a crap about my mental diagnosis, I can live with that, if fact the ADHD and the Aspergers is what makes me who I am and I¡¯m proud of that. But being physically weak is hundreds if not thousands more times taxing. For the first time in my life I found something I wholeheartedly put all my effort into, only to be slapped across the face by life itself.¡±This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere. After rambling on like this I couldn¡¯t muster any strength recalling my past and pondering about my future. I felt myself slowly break as I finally got a huge rock of my shoulders that was weighing down on me, yet it was also holding me together by the sheer force. ¡°Freyr, I don¡¯t really know what to say to make it better¡­ But just know you got me, don¡¯t forget I¡¯m here for you even when I¡¯m not on the clock. And know that you are not weak even if you break down, or even if by some miracle you could open the floodgates to let those buried emotions you have out¡­¡± Seeing her forced smile as she herself seemed as if she was closer to break down than I was I couldn¡¯t restrain it anymore, I fell to my knees as my back hunched over and my arms fell down lifelessly. Ellen hugged me tight as my chin rested on her shoulder¡­ After gathering the last of my strength I swung my arms around her and grabbed her loose plasticy scrubs tightly. Tears streaming down my grueling face¡­ I don¡¯t know how much time passed all I know is that I didn¡¯t let go for a long time, as she stroked my back gently I felt my worries slightly dissipating. I honestly didn¡¯t even know I felt this bad. The wall I had been building for the past few years started to crack ever so slightly. I knew that this won¡¯t fix anything but, it felt refreshing relieving the slightest bit of the pressure¡­ After I pulled away and wiped my face with my sleeves we stared at each other awkwardly, it was just a fleeting moment but it felt much, much longer. ¡°You know¡­ I¡­ Ehmm, nevermind¡­¡± Ellen seemed torn as she was contemplating something, she probably wanted to say something to cheer me up but couldn¡¯t find the words. Either way it made me relieved, I didn¡¯t put much thought into it as I changed the subject. We talked for a couple of hours about this and that, mostly small talk and some more things about my past. We parted ways and I went home to my small room as I got the most blissful sleep I¡¯ve experienced. For the first time in years I woke up before my alarm rang, I felt uplifted, ecstatic actually. I felt my body and mind burning with vigour I hadn¡¯t felt in years. As I was in good spirits I went and tried to find Ellen to try to thank her for yesterday, yet she had apparently called in sick. I didn¡¯t think much of it and went about my day lounging around and reading my favorite web novels. A week passed and I was starting to get worried, Ellen had still not showed up to work. I¡¯m worried that my rambling and crying took a toll on her mental state. Maybe it¡¯s my fault she has been gone for so long. I asked her supervisor trying to get an update on Ellen, she only said that she had taken a leave of absence due to personal reasons, which only seemed to prove my worries¡­ As I was in a deep trance of depressing thoughts regarding the matter I heard loud knocks at my door. I slowly got up wondering who it could be as I¡¯ve never had anyone knock on my door during the two years I¡¯ve spent in this place. To my surprise when I opened the door it was Ellen. She seemed in high spirits with an unusually broad smile. Before I could ask what she wanted or what she¡¯s been up to the past week she suddenly grabbed my arm and told me to come with her. before I could even reply she janked my arm and started running. I couldn¡¯t get a firm grip under my feet and seemingly just ragdolled behind her. Before I knew it we were in front of a japanese looking dojo. It looked run down and extremely cliche, as if it was straight out of a manga or something. There was a wall encompassing the entire house, it had black tiles at the top and was made of hundreds maybe thousands of stones with no stone alike the other. At the center of the wall was a tall gate, the doors were made from a greenish wood that seemed to be extremely sturdy and thick. On the door was a ruggish sign that stated ¡°Ãç¤ÎµÀˆö¡± ¡°Where have you brought me and what does that sign say?¡± I asked whilst tilting my head as I was trying to wrap my head around where and why she brought me... ¡°This is the dojo that I train at, My Sensei and my fellow disciples live and train here. The sign says ¡®dojo of the seedlings¡¯.¡± Dojo of the seedlings? Sounds cheesy, but why would she bring me here knowing that I can¡¯t do martial arts anymore? She isn¡¯t the type of person that would try to shove that into my face so she must have some other motive¡­ Ellen walked towards the gate ignoring my state of confusion as she pushed the giant gate doors open as if the were made of cardboard. How is she that strong? I mean the force you would need to open those doors is nothing short of olympic body building kind of strength. It doesn¡¯t seem physically possible for Ellen to move them, from my understanding she has more of a general athlete¡¯s build. Without another word she once again grabbed my arm and led me into the courtyard, the dojo looked just as a expected, cliche and big, it has a deck outlining the main house, with sturdy beams holding up the roof that is covered with red tiles. The wood has a greenish tint just as the gate doors behind me. The dojo protrudes a gentle yet strict feeling. the courtyard is filled with lush green grass that is neatly trimmed and a multitude of different tree¡¯s in various stages of growth. Walking up the steps to the dojo I can¡¯t help feeling my entire body becoming ever so tense. We enter through some sliding doors as we are greeted by an old man with a long and silky white beard that resembles an elongated triangle as the tip curls upwards. His face has multiple wrinkles suggesting he¡¯s at least over 70 years of age. Clad in a white robe with various black patterns inscribed upon it. His eyes were vigorous to the point of me being intimidated. His hair is tied back into a long pony tail that stretches far below his shoulder blades. ¡°Greetings young Freyr. This is the dojo of seedlings, you must have many questions as to why you are here but first let¡¯s have some tea and converse slightly.¡± The old man said as he gestured towards a low table surrounded by cushions. I honestly didn¡¯t know how to respond as I stared dumbfoundedly, after a moment of hesitation I sat down on the cushion opposing the old man, Ellen sat down to my right. Soon after a maid wearing a yukata came out with a traditional japanese tea set, as she started preparing the tea in front of me I started getting lost in thought over how weird the situation seemed. ¡°I might be able to help you with you physical anguish, yet it all depends on how you will answer my questions, if I am not satisfied I won¡¯t be able to help you. And even if I am satisfied I might not be able to help you either. It all comes down to yourself, and if you are destined for this path¡­¡± What the hell? how is this man supposed to be able to help me? The doctors don¡¯t even know why my physical condition is the way it is. Nor is there any cure that can magically fix my bone structure or my ligaments? Even though I trust Ellen this is too much, false hope will only crush me I can¡¯t take anything he says as fact that is for sure¡­ But then again what if he can help me? Dammit my gullible optimistic heart is acting up once again. My mind was racing back and forth, struggling between cold rationality, and optimistic emotionality. The never ending battle that has always plagued my mind.