《Normal Guy》


 Why cant I die...

    Finally, this is the end, all these years of struggling to die is finally going to pay off.


    A young man, with black hair, eyes, a compact and tall build could be seen


    Standing on a chair, checking the chain fastened around my neck, this is it! I can feel it!


    Kicking the chair out of the way, I fall, everything falls to black...


    Not really.. I failed again, I just can''t die at all!


    "Shit.."


    Muttering in self-defeat, I get ready for work, which makes me feel even more depressed that I have to...


    Sigh... I should probably introduce myself, I''m Ross, a perfectly normal guy who just so happens to have gained immortality. That''s right, I''m immortal, walking through the frequent changes of modern civilization. Why am I immortal, you ask? Back during the religious crusades, I was a devout 22 year old, risking my life to spread religion in foreign territories, I was young and dumb. One day, our ship in the Mediterranean Sea was turned over by a wave, swallowing everything in it''s path. When I come to, I was in a small subterranean cave. You know, stalagmites or some shit all over, I ventured a little deeper in. There I found the most unbelievable sight.... a small temple. Right in the center was an altar with a serpent twirling around it, and it''s open mouth was holding a bowl of black ooze.... Let''s just say, I gave in to temptation and became an immortal serpent man...


    Back then I never really beieved in all the mumbo jumbo the priests talked about, I just needed food and shelter. You''d never believe what kind things lived back then, humans really struggled. Now, however, they''ve advanced into an age of advanced technology: drones, robots, cell phones, cars, and information hub known as ''internet''. I''m really out of place here, even though I look 22, I''m not, I''m really 922 years old!Reading on Amazon or a pirate site? This novel is from Royal Road. Support the author by reading it there.


    *DING*


    "So you failed to kill yourself again today?"


    A girl sitting at the desk said while playing on her phone. Don''t be fooled, my secretary, Evie, a plague witch thats almost half my current age. She''s kind of a big deal as she''s released a couple of plagues that''s wiped out millions. Usually it would be a bad idea to have such company, but she''s researching ways to kill me, so yay. We met during my slaying monster days, the same era as V*n Hel**ng and Dr**ula.


    Now we own a bounty hunter business in downtown Chicago.


    "Any cases?"


    "We do have one. Someone decided to break out of a jail cell last night. A African-American male, around 34 years old, here''s his picture"


    Evie throws a watted up paper. What the hell?! You could at least be more delicate!


    Let''s see...Oh....He managed to bend the bars out and crash through a wall to escape? Definitely one of those super-humans that started popping up after WWII.


    Just great...I honestly did not want to do anything today, escept look up those funny memes floating around the web.


    "What''s with that face? Disappointment? Maybe I shouldn''t pay the internet bill, heh"


    "ALRIGHT I''LL GO"


    Let''s see, his name is Daunte Lestor, his mom, Mira Lestor, lives in the apartment complex by Washington Park.


    You can tell as you walk up that this place is rummaged by gangs. Daunte is probably here


    Though, it''s going to be troublesome by the looks everyone is giving me.


    *Knock knock*


    "Hello, Ms. Lestor, I''m Ross from Seekers Company, I was hoping to ask some questions about your so...


    Suddenly a fist broke through the door, hitting me square in face!


    OW!!! THIS SON OF A BITCH!!!


    I get knocked down, before I could even get up, the bastard comes out and stomps! Rolling to one side, I managed to dodge, he preceded to grab me by the collar and slam on the ground. I kicked him in the chin, pushing him away. He was pretty surprised when he flew back ten feet. Before he could get up, I ran over and kicked all in one sequence.


    Knocked out!! Hahaha take that asshole


    I am Ross and this is my story.

 Two: Vampires can be bitches too

    Shit... I hate working... I mean, really really hate it.


    So after getting this guy, his gang members attacked. Let me tell ya, getting shot isn''t fun at all. To top it all off, I had to jump off a five-story building while holding a big ass man, landing on a car, hurting my back. FUCK..it hurts.


    Now I''m limping through downtown Chicago, carrying an unconscious man on my shoulders.


    I''m getting more looks from women then I have my entire life, and it really irks me... really?! I''m fucking handsome, why are you giving me scared looks?!


    *DING*


    "You look like hell... Maybe you''re out of shape?" Evie was chuckling at me.


    I swear when you kill me, I''m dragging you to hell with me. Heheheh


    "You try falling off a five-story building...Oh maybe I'''' take you with me next time,Heh"


    *Snort*


    Snorting is for pigs you know? Why do women like to snort as a comeback? Pointless to think about it..


    "Did you call the detectives to let them know we have this guy? I don''t want to look at him anymore."This narrative has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. If you see it on Amazon, please report it.


    What''s with that look Evie?! You''re looking at me like violated him?! I had to hold him close, you know to not allow him to get away!!!....


    Whatever...hah


    "They''ll be here soon. By the way, I haven''t seen you get injured since the Mina incident" Evie chuckled


    GUH... Words the stab deeper than any sword!


    Let''s flashback, shall we..


    Back in my slaying days, I was also hunting vampires, the same as Van Hel**ng or whatever. Do you know all the Dra*ula stories and such. There''s one character that''s pretty commonly used, Mina Harker. Well.... we met at a bar right outside of Transylvania and we sort of did things, repeatedly, haha. Who would''ve thought that both Dra*ula and that Van guy was fighting over her. How irresponsibly stupid can you be? They literally dragged in thousands just to fight a war for a girl! A girl that was as easy as spreading peanut butter. She didn''t like hearing that so after Van guy won the war, he came after me! The shithead came to confront me and didn''t like what I had to say. One I asked how it felt to be on a leash, you know because he''s a werewolf... Okay next insult then.... I told him that she''s a biter..


    He didn''t take that well and attacked me, I killed him. The look on her face was priceless. That''s what you get for being a bitch, you know?! Though the sex was great, I''ll miss that, R.I.P Mina..


    *End Flashback*


    "Are you done reminiscing?" Evie said with a disgusting look


    Can''t you go one minute without looking at me like a cockroach?!


    *Ding*


    Oh, the detectives are here to pick up this damned criminal who drooled all over my couch.


    "Good work" The detectives gave payment and took the guy to the door, they turned around looked staight at Evie and I..


    "By the way this guy is dealing a new drug made by the Hades gang, so you should watch out."


    "......." Evie and I look at eachother


    A bomb was dropped....

 Three: smoking pot to calm down

    Click Clack Click Clack


    If you want to know what that noise is, just know that Evie and I are pacing the floors. I''m sure we''ll walk right through them if this keeps up.


    "Evie.... do you still have that pot you stole from that drug dealer we took down recently?"


    I''m usually the type to drink, and fool around, not drugs. However, today is an exception, a BIG FUCKING exception. The Hades gang has been around almost as long as me. They''re crazy! They go around kidnapping all walks of Earth and sacrifice them to gain powers from the underworld...


    Just crazy motherfuckers, that I don''t want to deal with anymore. Maybe in the past, I would''ve set them all on fire, but now I''m just a normal civilian doing normal things...''Trying to be''.


    Evie walked out of the back room with a box that said ''Unicorn Tears''. Though I''m concerned by the name, at the same time there''s a lot of expectations too.I mean ''Unicorn Tears'' should be magical enough to knock us on our asses for a bit, right?


    Evie took out a bowl, and looked at me: "You ready?"


    I just nod.


    She lit it up and pretty soon smoke that tasted like sprinkles spread through the air.


    Pretty soon we were on our backs looking the ceiling. Evie swears she could see pop-tart cats flying in the clouds. All I see is the ceiling growing hands and groping me. It''s at the point we realized that we were very high. And as we lay there, I think back to how I met Evie..Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.


    Fort Riley, Kansas, 1918


    The spanish flu epidemic has already claimed approximately 2 million lives, it was spreading to fast. Many people would burn those infected to prevent spreading it further.


    I was walking down the central route of town after hearing rumors of a witch. Apparently the witch is the cause of the outbreak of the influenza. Out of curiosity, I went to take a look. Surprised by how young she was, looking around 17, she was simply smiling while being pelted by rocks. It was obvious that she was witch, her aura had the devils breath mixed in. My first time to ever see a witch spread plague and disease. I looked at her and she looked at me. It was love at first sight...just kidding. She spit in my face giving me influenza. Veins popping out of my neck and forehead, I walk up, smile, light the hay beneath her. This b*tch tried to kill me, actually, wait... maybe she can kill me.


    After that thought, I saved her. Though sometimes I regret it though, especially after I hear about all the different plagues she started. There was one time she almost started a zombie apocalypse in Haiti in the 1900''s... She honestly scares me sometimes.


    But yeah.... I saved her that day, after I thought she could find a way to kill me. We both retired and started different businesses to survive, now here we are...


    I''m calm now. I look over at Evie and she looks at me...


    "A bag of chips could save our lives if we went to space without a suit." She said seriously..


    Just shoot me...


    In a far away place:


    Two men were kneeling in fear in front of a man wearing a purple and black suit. The man in question had purple hair and eyes, painted face, along with a very short stature,... Yes, he was a dwarf or in modern times known as midget. He was the boss of Hades Gang.


    "So one of our dealers was caught and he blabbed about our new product? Why isn''t he dead yet huh?? I''m sure you bastard can hear me since we''re the same height now?!? Are you two tall and good to listen to me?!" The boss pulled out a revolver from god knows where and shot them.


    *pop pop*


    Two corpses fell.


    "Boss Meime, calm down! We''ll settle all witnesses!" His right hand, Botto, who had black horns..or hair with so much gel, he shaped him like horns.


    Yes, these gangs of weirdos are coming for our favorite protagonists...

 Four: wierdos arent allowed on planes

    In a certain airport...


    A man wearing a black suit with a suitcase was walking through, this wouldn''t be a big deal, but this guy was definitely weird! A tall man with a bulky upper body, long skinny legs, yellow eyes, sharp teeth, and horns. Everyone in the airport was feeling nervous, not because of his looks, but he was walking backwards!


    This was Botto. He was a do-it-yourselfer, so he volunteered to kill all witnesses.


    He walked to the desk, presented his pass to the stewardess. The stewardess looked and immediately had an awkward smile on her face. She couldn''t help, but ask:


    "Is this for business or pleasure?"


    "Hohohohoho, it''s both, I take pleasure in both!" It wouldn''t have been so bad, but he laughed like a cheesy villain from some old anime.


    The stewardess handed the sweat filled pass back to Botto. Botto walked backwards to the plane and found his seat to settle down. Yet again, individuals had awkard faces. Botto had sat backwards, he was looking towards the back, while his suit stared forward. Stewardess, started to think he was ''special'', so she walked beside him to help.Love what you''re reading? Discover and support the author on the platform they originally published on.


    "Excuse me sir.."


    Botto''s head twisted around like an owl, making a crunching noise.


    "Hyaaaaa!!!!!!!" The stewardess and other passengers ran off screaming..


    ''I wonder when the planes going to take off'' Botto was just sitting there, minding his own business when he was surrounded by airport security:


    "Sir, we need to escort you off the plane. You''re scaring the passengers and are considered a danger by policy.."


    Botto was surprised, and soon indignance took over!


    "What do you mean I''m scaring others?! HUH?! I''m not going anywhere, I paid fair and square!!!" Botto started to scream and struggle, took out his phone record. Security started to grow apprehensive, but still ''escorted'' Botto off the plane.


    "This is racism against Demons....RACISM!!!!" Botto''s screaming attracted others and many recordings begun...


    And soon Tw**ter was in a outrage war discussing and cursing airport security. Soon the story spread to all news outlets, eventually starting the "Demons Matter" movement...


    Back in Chicago...


    Are you fucking serious?! This is a thing now?! What in the..


    "How stupid..." Evie said while face palming herself


    "I don''t think we have to worry about Hades coming any time soon." I said while thanking the heavens, that the guy was a fucking idiot,hah.


    This ''Demons Matter" movement is probably going to stop a lot of exorcism movies... Just imagine a preist trying to purify some child possessed by a demon and someone comes barging in shouting ''Racism''. How stupid....


    Shaking me head, I leave to buy booze just to forget this entire farce...

 Five: Heroes can get STDs too

    My name is Arthur, the holder of Excaliber! I am here to pronounce that I have finally reawakened in this new modern world. It''s a little disappointing that I have such an average looking body, but that can fixed once I start being a hero again.


    The first thing on my list is to establish my aura again. Though I''m apprehensive, it can only awaken through true danger and heroism. Where can I accomplish that?


    Ah, forget it. I''ll just walk around until trouble pops up.


    It feels like I''ve walked for eternity. Now where is this? It seems I''m in the entertainment district, though it''s a lot more flashy than the old times. I remember the brothels my comrades and I frequented. Back then, the women wasn''t as coordinated as the ones dancing in front of me. It sucks that I can''t drink and enjoy the scenery.


    Walking around, I managed to come upon a young woman getting mugged.


    "This is my chance!" I ran while yelling my thoughts. The man had a knife pointing at a woman wearing a trench coat. She was obviously an employee of an establishment in this district.


    I arrive next to the knife wielding and kick him in the side, causing him to tumble away.If you spot this story on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.


    I step in front of the woman, acting cool, I say "Are you okay, madame?"


    The girl looked at me with a troubled look and responded, "Tch, I didn''t need your help."


    What the fuck?! Maybe I let annoying come over me, but, "What the hell is you problem?! I was trying to help you!"


    She looked surprised, so I apologized, "Sorry!"


    The thief got up and tried to run, but the woman stomped on his head with her heel.


    Woah!!! That was fast for a normal person, but maybe she isn''t?


    She looked at me, while responding to my skepticism, "I trained in kick boxing, you never know how many weirdos you have to deal with as a stripper."


    Hey hey hey, why the long face? This is making me feel worse as a hero, rather than feeling better.


    Alright! I''ll make her better, "No need for the long face, everyone has survive somehow in this tough world."


    Ah, she smiled, so nice. Getting lost in my thought, she said, "My name is Callie, is there anything I can do to repay?" She looked extremely cute, a certain male emotion welled up inside. Maybe she figured it out what''s on my mind, sge grabbed my hand and took me to a nearby bar.


    We had fun talking and drinking, she bought my drinks. My vision started to blur, but before we left, I remember fighting some guy named Ross. He tried to stop me from going to Callies place, but I fought him off. He said one thing to me before leaving, "Have fun, you sorry sorry bastard."


    *YAWNNN*


    What a good nights sleep as I stretched. I''m a little hung over, but I do remember the crazy night as I looked at a naked Callie next to me...


    Hoh it''s time to get up and relieve myself.


    Ugh...Why am I hurting so much?! Looking down, I see the most unbelievable thing, only one thought popped up.....


    No protection equals STD''s, shit...