《Exploit》


 Introduction

    As I looked into the eyes of the bandit, I realized I was completely and utterly fucked. But let me take a few steps back here. I should tell you how I got into this mess.


    My name is Justin Brown (I know, not very heroic, but it''s my story, so fuck off). I''ve always loved rpg''s, you could say I was even a little obsessed with them. The idea that I could be some magical hero with stats, inventories, and of course, the magical minimap (Like seriously guys, that thing would be fucking useful irl right?).


    My parents were understanding, but not supportive. They thought it was just a phase and that one day I''d grow out of it. Well, I guess the jokes on them. But I''m getting off track, lets get to the meat and bones of this story.


    It all began on a warm summer day, the perfect day to stay inside and game. Or so Justin told himself, not that he could recall a bad type of weather to game, but that is certainly besides the point. Justin woke up, shimmied his messy bed into something resemblilng decent and headed out the door. He made it 2 blocks from his High School before he realized he had forgotten his lunch money. So, one frantic jog back home and he was ready to leave again. In his haste to leave he tripped, fell, snapped his neck and promptly died.If you encounter this tale on Amazon, note that it''s taken without the author''s consent. Report it.


    Justin couldn''t believe what he was seeing. As he stared down at his corpse he pondered over all the things he never got to accomplish, most of these were rpg related, but he had the standard regrets we all do. He regretted that he didn''t realize Stacy Moore was hitting on him last year, he regretted not punching that bully in fifth grade. He wishes he could do so much more and cries that he DESERVES better.


    It was at this point that a man stepped out of the shadows. To describe him would be impossible, the man was everyone and no-one all at once. He was constantly shifting, changing, and merging into different beings. However, as Justin would soon find out, this man liked to be called Mister.


    Justin looked into Mister''s eyes and gradually became dizzy to the point that he passed out. On the way to the floor he briefly wondered how he could pass out if he was dead. He, much like you the readers, did not receive an answer.


    <<<<<


    >>>>>


    P.S. Yeah, I know it''s short.

 Mr. Mister

    Justin awoke with a throbbing headache. As he came to he took a look at his surroundings. He appeared to be in a stark white room, the only furniture being two tables and a chair. Upon noting the chair a man appeared out of nowhere. Perhaps appeared isn''t the best way to describe it. He turned his head in one direction, and when he turned it back, the man was there. It was at this moment the man spoke.


    The man introduced himself as Mr. Mister, Mister for short. The man was indescribable, to try and put his appearance into words would be like describing a videogame to someone from the 14th century, hard and above this lowly author''s pay grade. Mister asked Justin to have a seat, and this is where our story truly begins.


    I was tired, confused, and feeling a bit hungover. Mister asked me to have a seat and it''s a good thing he did because the vertigo I was feeling was likely to knock me off my feet regardless. Mister, I said, where the fuck am I? Who the fuck are you? And, last but not least. What the fuck is going on?Stolen from Royal Road, this story should be reported if encountered on Amazon.


    Mister responded, with a bit of a grin. Obviously he was hoping I would be a bit more polite, but beggars can''t be choosers damn it. Mister spoke to me in a calm melodic voice and told me I was dead. He then went on to explain that all my wildest dreams will be coming true. I''ll be allowed to travel to a world where there are levels and status screens, and all the generic rpg tropes I could handle.


    I was overjoyed, life is boring, fantasy is where it''s at! He told me that he would be dropping me off in a random "rpg" world and that I would have to fend for myself. He would give me only the most basic of items, storage bag, clothes, basic rpg stuff. And that I would be allowed to choose one bonus trait, as a bonus. I, having played many games asked him the most important question before choosing. IS THERE A LEVEL CAP?!? He told me no, there is no cap to how strong I can become. This is where the fun begins!

 Status

    I already knew exactly what I wanted, an experience gain. Why you ask? Well, in every rpg game without a level cap, experience is the most valuable thing you can acquire. It isn''t an increased damage buff, or ridiculously high luck, or even immortality, it''s them precious xp points baby! Sure you do alot of damage, but that doesn''t make you He-Man, you can find all ze loot in the game, but that doesn''t make you a king, and if you can''t die, what if someone just locks in you an a room and throws away the key? Then where are you? Pssst, my guess is FUCKED. But experience will not let you down, experience is love, experience is life.


    I told Mister exactly what I wanted and he gave me the option of 1/5 xp requirement or 5x xp gain, I chose the second one of course, because it sounds more impressive. He asked me to look over my status and then he said he would send me on my way, the status sheet said.


    Name: Justin Brown


    Level: 1


    Experience: 0/100This narrative has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. If you see it on Amazon, please report it.


    Age: 18


    Hp: 100


    Mp: 100


    Att: 5


    Status: Unaffected


    Str: 10


    Per: 10


    End: 11 (+1)


    Cha: 10


    Agi: 10


    Agility: 10


    Luck: 10


    Res: 6 (+1)


    Abilities: Experience x5


    Everything looked alright to me so I gave him the go ahead that I was ready and he sent me on my way.


    Everything was... not as expected.

 Lost

    Well, this fucking sucks. I was hoping to spawn outside of a small starter village, or maybe in the capital or something. Instead I get put in the middle of the fucking forest without a compass or minimap! I awoke and took stock of my situation. The user interface seems simple enough, I ask it for something, and if it''s within reason, it complies. My inventory consists of the clothes on my back, a thin farmers outfit, a small sword, a bow, 15 arrows, a small knife, rope, a tent, one hp and mana potion, a loaf of bread, and some funky looking cheese.


    Well, first things first, lets try and figure out where the nearest civilization is. If I''ve learned anything about low level rpg characters, it''s that they can trip over their damn feet and lose half their hp. Seriously, about 1/3 of my D&D games ended with *he set off a tripwire, or that potion tasted funny*. I decided to climb the highest tree, but then thought better of it, if I fall, I''m not sure I''ll make it. So instead I decided to pick the direction the sun was and follow it while marking where I''ve been using my knife.


    You''ll never believe what I''ve found! Not a fucking thing, no friendly elves, no little cottage, not even a way out of this blasted forest. All I''ve found is more forest. I started to get thirsty and realized Mister didn''t even include a damn waterskin, the stingy bastard! How the hell am I going to get water, I''m not Bear Grylls, and I''m not doing that thing he loves to do. I need to come up with a plan. I need to think creatively.


    Well, that went better than I could have hoped. I kept walking in a straight line until I luckily found a small stream. The plan is to set up camp and make a fire, there is just one problem... I''m from the 21st century, my local high school never taught me how to make a fire with just a knife and some twigs! Figures, and I figured their lapse in education just included how to do my taxes or balance a budget. It''s going to be a long night.


    I set up my tent, which is pretty damn simple, a few sticks and some cloth, Mister didn''t even give me a damn blanket... stingy, cheap, broke ass motherfucker. Oh well, I''ll have to make do. In the middle of the night, just as I am about to get to sleep. That''s when I hear it. "squish, squish, squish" It sounded like a cheap tentacle hentai, but that did not put my mind at ease! I slowly draw my little sword and crawl out of my tent. Only to be greeted by a little blob about the size of a basketball. I found a slime, sweet, cheap xp.This tale has been unlawfully lifted without the author''s consent. Report any appearances on Amazon.


    I decided to bum-rush the little hentai wet dream with my sword. Everything went well, until, well, nothing happned. I stabbed the little guy once, twice, three times a lady and nada, the only change I saw was to piss him off.(I''m assuming him, yes I''m assuming his gender, if you sjw apache helicopters want to get up in arms, kindly stick your complaints up your ass and I''ll get to them the next time I''m in there)


    It appears as though this will be harder than I thought. The little slime decided at this point that he would call for help, and as he screeched out a low pitched Blub, I decided that perhaps I should rethink some of my decisions in life. Mainly, attacking strange things in the middle of the night with low visibility, a shitty weapon, next to no strength, and with frankly, too much bravado. But that would have to wait, instead I frantically stabbed at this little slime with my puny blade hoping to figure out the trick to kill it before I was smothered by a perverts wet dream. That''s when I got lucky.


    Turns out there is a little bead about half the size of my fist all the way in the center of these things. I would have seen it sooner had I chosen to wait until daylight to try and attack this thing, but I think we''ve already explained that I''m not Neil Degrasse Tyson. I managed to pierced this little bugger with my blade and the thing went splat, collapsed all over floor of the woods. *Ding* 125xp gained.Fuck yeah! Come to daddy you precious little experience points. I''ll give you a new home and take care of you, and love you, and every night I''ll gently, soulfully, and lovingly, give it you good.


    -10hp *smack* *ouch* Oh, seems I''ve forgotten about the scream for help. Did you know that slimes can tackle you? Well, I didn''t, I assumed they just kind of spit acid on you or something, and that standard slimes were essentially free xp. I was wrong it seems. Turns out they need alot of time to charge up, and it''s pretty easy to dodge, but in the middle of the night, without a fire, while I''m a bit pre-occupied, it isn''t that easy. Good thing I have two good legs and know how to kill these blobby bastards now.


    Well, after killing 4 slimes and collecting the broken bits of crystal I''m assuming were parts of a slime core I decided that I would try to sleep again, though with my hand upon my sword and the other on my naughty bits for uh, protection.

 Leveling and Surviving

    As I awake I realize one important thing. I didn''t level up! I have more than enough xp and my dumbass forgot. So I say status and hastily read over the screen. Would I like to level up? Well, yes, that''s why I opened you. A menu pops up and tells me that for leveling up I have received 5 attribute points, and where would I like to apply them... Hmm, if I knew some magic I''d go for an int build as it seems the safest route, but of course I don''t know any magic, so that point is moot. I guess I''ll go with agility in order to make killing things easier and improve my odds for survival. Alright, 15points in agility, here we go baby!


    Name: Justin Brown


    Level:4


    Experience:500/712.5


    Age: 18


    Hp: 100


    Mp: 100


    Att: 5


    Status: Unaffected


    Str: 10


    Per: 10


    End: 11(+1)


    Cha: 10


    Agi:25


    Luck: 10


    Res:6 (+1)


    Abilities: Experience x5


    WHOOT WHOOT, I feel fast as fuck. Like if it were down to me or Usain Bolt, I''d leave that fucker back in Jamaica in the dust! I feel, well, agile. This feels like it was a good decision, or so I hope. Now lets take stock of what I know so far. I have 500xp and I received 125 per slime, so the slimes base xp must be 25 before my ability kicks in. And the amount of xp I need to level up is 712.5 so that means that every time I level up, the xp needed to level again increases by 50%. Alright, now that I''ve taken care of the basic math, onto fun stuff.This story has been unlawfully obtained without the author''s consent. Report any appearances on Amazon.


    I quickly take stock of my inventory, 4 slightly broken slime cores, and my basic gear, I wonder how the fuck I''ll get food out here. Ahh, I watched this documentary once where they detailed how to make a net out of woven plant fibers. So I grab the plant, thread it through the loop, bunny ears? How the hell did they do that again? Well, fuck it. After dicking around with that for a few hours I''ve decided to instead try attaching my knife to a stout stick using some of my, lets call it "rope". Spear fishing it is.


    Note to self, surviving in the woods isn''t easy. It isn''t made easier by the fact that I didn''t exactly take "surviving in the woods, a guide how not to get raped by a bear" at my local high school. I really should have watched those daytime survival shows a littler more closely. Or at least learned how to weave a net or something. After snagging a single fish, pitiful as it appears, and losing my trusty knife a few times in the process, I decided that Sushi was not for me. Time to try making a fire again.


    I read this book about a kid who gets stranded and learns how to make a fire by striking his hatchet against a rock. I think I''ll give that a go! Sweet, turns out, getting sparks isn''t that hard to do. However, getting them to light the flimsy ball of kindling I haphazardly threw together isn''t so easy to do. After trying and failing for the better part of an hour, I finally get it to take off.


    I skin and clean the fish to the best of my abilities *spoiler alert, not the greatest* and try shishkebabing the meat over the fire. Turns out, I''m not the greatest cook either. I''m sure at this point you are probably thinking. I could do so much better, I''d already have skinned a deer by now, I would use the moss on a tree to point me north and towards civilization. Well, that''s great for you, but we can''t all be that competent. Now, back to the story.


    After eating a small meal of half burnt half raw fish complemented by the infamous bread of steel and cheese of goat, I decided that I should try and set up some sort of perimeter. Something to stop the slimes from just walking in willy nilly whenever they felt like it. So I set to work digging holes and trying to make a roughshod series of "walls" out of the "rope" and wood I fashioned. After a few hours of hard work, dedication, and a strong sense of urgency. It well, looks like a quadriplegic five year old could knock it over. But damn you, it should at least alert me of an enemy. Or make me look like a tempting target, either way. Time for sleep.

 Little Green Men

    Turns out sleeping next to a fire next to a small lake isn''t as peaceful as it sounds. When you envision it you probably imagine laying under the stars, a fire at your back and lake in front of you, watching the calming waves wash over each other. What you fail to envision is just how shitty it actually is. I sat there for hours, jumping at every little sound, every rustle of the trees, every hoot, every damn fish for christ sake. Thankfully, my paranoia paid off in the end, so I have that going for me.


    Just as I''m starting to drift away I''m away I''m awoken by a noise. Not a hoot hoot, not a tweet tweet, not splish splash. This noise was more of a whispering, as though someone was attempting to sneak up on me. Little did they know ol Justin is wily as a fox and as paranoid as a chihuahua. I quietly grab my blade and sneak out of my little tent to be greeted by what appears to goblins. As far as goblins go though, they aren''t very cliche. Sure they are green, sure they are little, but they aren''t ugly or misshapen or anything. Though by the dim look in their eyes, I don''t suspect much intelligence, but I''ve been wrong before.


    There appears to only be two of them, but unfortunately for me they are armed with short spears. Immediately, and perhaps pre-emptively I charge the first goblin I see and managed to stab him through where I''m guessing his heart is as he quite moving soon after *Ding* 500xp gained. However, I failed to watch my six, as they say in the movies, and end up with a spear through my left hand. FUCK! I yell. Shortly followed by a YOU! I then attempt to engage the other goblin in combat, only to find that he or she *It doesn''t have tits, but who am I judge? I know plenty of women who are members of the IBTC* is attempting a hasty escape. In a moment of desperation I throw my sword at it and manage to stab it right smack dab in the, well, asshole. As you can expect, this gives my newfound enemy a moment of pause. During this pause I grab the dead goblins spear and use it to put goblin number two out of it''s misery.*Ding*500xp gainedThis book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.


    Looking back I should have swept the area, checked for new enemies, fixed my "wall", etc. But instead of judging me, how about the next time you have in important life decision, something that could really affect your life, I pop out of the shadows and stick a spear through your hand. I''m sure that will give you the clarity and sense of mind to aid you in your decision making process. I did none of this, as you can probably guess by now. I instead sliced off a piece of clothe off of the the first goblins shirt, cleaned it in the lake, and then bandaged my wound. And before you get all high and mighty with your *but you are supposed to boil it and sterilize it and make it all clean like* fuck you, I was bleeding.


    I then stripped the goblins and did a quick assessment of what I have. Including loot from the goblins, I have 4 spears, 2 for throwing and 2 for stabbing, half a loaf of bread, a bit of "rope", my tent, my knife, my shortsword, and 2 pouches with a few pieces of slightly glowing orbs inside them. It was at this point that I decided to move the corpses a bit away from the camp. I debated burying them but, I''m not made of shovels. Time for ol Justin to try and get some spear free shut eye... Hopefully.

 How much is too much agility?

    Dreams can be fun, sometimes they are meh, and sometimes, they suck donkey dick. I''m falling, falling but never hitting the ground. Anphantasmic haze hangs in front of me. I sense that upon reaching that haze I''ll wake up, or something will happen, but it hangs just out of reach. At times I feel as though I''m catching up to it, but at times it feels as far away as before. I eventually and abruptly wake up, but everything feels, not quite real. As though the dream was real and this is the dream. Hard to describe, and I''ve never been one for wishy washy analysis, but shit was fucked up yo.


    Regardless of my lsd-like dream, it''s time to wake up and get down to business. Time to spend my sweet, attribute points. Should I spread out my points or use them all on one things again, I ponder. Hmm, agility seemed to save my bacon last night so I might as well try it again. Lets see what happens. I decide to devote all my points to agility and try to make myself, a bit harder to stab next time.


    Name: Justin Brown


    Level:5


    Experience: 1500/1603.125


    Age: 18


    Hp: 100


    Mp: 100


    Att: 5


    Status: UnaffectedThe narrative has been taken without permission. Report any sightings.


    Str: 10


    Per: 10


    End: 11(+1)


    Cha: 10


    Agi:30


    Luck: 10


    Res:6 (+1)


    Abilities: Experience x5


    I feel, well, not much different than last time. It''s a substantial difference to be sure, but it just feels like I became, slightly better. Oh well, I guess that''s the way it goes. Now I need to make a plan. I think what I should do is get a few days worth of food and follow the lake until I reach civilization. The only problem is that I''m not a master fisherman, but every bit of agility helps. I think with my combined agility and my improved spears I might be able to snag something tasty.


    Splish, splash, splish, splash, this shit isn''t as rewarding as I thought. I''ve spent 8 hours fishing and I''ve caught 3 decent sized fish. Bass by the looks of them, but this is a new world, so for all I know they are called anal-fish or something. Either way, I have enough to fill my stomach, but not enough to travel with. The thought occurred to me to take only my tent and my gear, and abandon my campsite. However, starting a new fire each night seems like a chore, and there is still the matter of the invaders. Apparently humans are fair game to them, and I either look tasty or like easy prey. Either way, I need to have some precautions in place to deal with them.


    *Shatners voice* Captains log: *Stardate 2017* The little green men are watching me, I feel their eyes upon me as I prepare my walls and dig my latrine. Spock is nowhere to be found, but if he were in my situation he would say something cold and analytical about striking first. I do not have that luxury, the green men have the advantage of knowing where I am, while I know nothing about them. I''ll have to keep my eyes out for them. End of captains log.


    After setting up my flimsy defenses, repositioning my tent towards the strongest of the walls, running a few feeble tripwires upon the ground, I lay down for bed knowing that if the goblins get me, I''ll have at least annoyed them a bit. Time to lay my head down to sleep. Nighty night.

 The Amazing Race

    Do you ever just wake up and immediately realize you made a mistake? It used to happen to me all the time. Somtimes I''d forgot to turn off my computer, or leave my window open on a cold night, mostly little stuff. This was not a little thing. I maybe, possibly, probably screwed the pooch real hard on this one. Anyway, I''ll get back to the story.


    It''s a beautiful morning, the sun is shining, the birds are chirping, I can hear what I assume to be multiple enemies slowly surrounding, presumably with their weapons at the ready. B E A -utiful, well, time to beat my feet harder than I beat my meat and get the fuck out of here. I try sneaking out of the tent real quick like, but it doesn''t go as planned. I''m greeted by about 10 goblin faces staring up at me, spears at the ready and looking real fidgety. Alright, I exclaim, lets do this peacefully and quietl- that''s about how much I get out before a spear comes flying at my forehead, soon followed by many more. It seems as though they came well armed this time, LUCKY ME. I do the only thing I can think of, jump into the lake and try to swim to freed. All things considered, not my worst idea.


    The cold splash of water upon my back was a really nice wake-up call. One could almost forget the spears flying towards his face and the feeling of impending death. But still, pretty lake, real beautiful lake this time of year. Not that I have any clue what time year it is, or which seasons these people use, if there are people. Man, I really should have thought this through before just agreeing to be plopped in a random world. Maybe I should have asked a few questions, I wonder if I speak the same language. Fuck it would suck to learn a new language. Back in high school I took a whole year of spanish, aced it, didn''t learn a damn thing. But back to the matter at hand, trying not to die at the hands of some murderous savages.


    On the bright side, none of the goblins jumped into the water after me. On the negative side, that could mean the lake is more dangerous than I initially thought. Oh well, I can''t do anything about it now, I''ve made my bed and all that, just keep swimming, that''s my goal. So that''s what I do, I keep paddling along, and eventually, I become tired so I lay on my back and let the current take me. It''s so peaceful and serene, someone could almost pass out. Guess I''ll just drift away....


    Yawn, lets do a checklist of my current situation. All my gear seems intact, I''m unharmed *minus one sore hand*, oh and I''m floating down a river traveling at breakneck speed, yep, all is normal. Just another day on fuck me island. As I travel down the river desperately trying to keep my head above water and my body from spinning in circles, the though occurst to me that this river is awfully straight, almost man-made. Maybe I''ll get lucky and find civilization, then I can dazzle these primitives with my knowledge of *redacted*I mean my knowledge of*redacted*.Well fuck, doesn''t look like I''ll be bringing these primitives into the space age. Assuming they are primitives, I mean, maybe they have a thriving advanced world and lifestyle.This book is hosted on another platform. Read the official version and support the author''s work.


    *Smack* *-5hp*Ouch, my head just bounced off a stone bank. STONE BANK! That means civilization, that means people, *sob* that means food that isn''t fish based! No offense to the japanese, but if I have to eat any more homemade sushi I''m going to slapa chopstick in someones fun zone. Lets try to center myself in the river and, there we go. Nice and smooth, straight as an arrow. Should be easy sailing from here on out.


    If by easy sailing I meant slow and difficult, sure, easy sailing. The current isn''t exactly easy to handle and my constitution wasn''t exactly the highest before I came to this world. How many D&D players do you know who look like schwarzenegger? Regardless of my hardships, I''m ecstatic. I never realized how much I''ve missed people. Normally I could go throughout an entire day without having a real interaction with a person. It''s harder when it isn''t optional though.


    Anyway, so there I was, sailing along when I saw the most beautiful gosh damned thing I''d seen in my entire life, and that includes the day I typed boobies on the internet without safe search! Walls, big beautiful stone walls. That means people, and people means well, safety, food, titties, etc. I guess I better go introduce myself

 The City of Merrat

    As I walked towardsthe city I thought to myself "hopefully this will be just a mite bit safer than the woods". I''ve always had a bit of anxiety when dealing with people, nothing major, just your run of the mill anxiety. It''s not that I''m afraid, I just find the situation extra tense and generally uncomfortable. But today, that all ends! I''m going to march right up to the first person I see and ask for directions around this little city!


    The walls are built in a kind of gothic construction, simple but sturdy. The closer I get the more imposing the walls seem. From a distance they struck me as maybe 10-20 feet tall (yes I''m american) but upon closer inspection they appear to be much taller than that. I''d wager they appear to be around 50 feet tall at least. Hopefully I''m not walking into some stronghold with tight security or something, I''d really hate for my adventure to end so soon.


    As I walk towards the city I found a kind of rough path and decide to follow it. SHIT, what if they have security? What should my backstory be? I''ll just say I was camping in the woods or something. Wait, does camping exist in this world? In a world full of monsters camping just seems suicidal. I''ll say I was robbed, that''s why I look so downtrodden. Yeah, I was robbed and they stole my money, or most of it. I think whatever those little glowing bead like things I took from the goblins were was in fact money of a sort. Great, deception level, TO THE MAX.


    Well, fuck me, there is a guard, and he''s just standing there, menacingly. Well, ok, not menacingly. The man looks like he''s about to fall asleep on his feet. He isn''t intimidating either, about average height, a bit portly looking, wearing ill fitting armor and a longsword strapped to his hip. The sword by itself could probably cause more damage than him wielding it, but that''s besides the point. Looks can be deceiving, and he might be a secret master of tiger fist or some shit. Best to stay on guard.


    Nice and slow like, lets play this cool Justin. I can do this! I run through the possible lines in my head.Hello fine sir, could you give me directions around this town perhaps you could me directions to the nearest inn? No, shit, that''s too fancy and formal. But I can''t just say, yo, guard where''s the closest inn? I guess I''ll try and take the middle ground.


    I approach the guard at my own pace, I wouldn''t call it slow, but I wouldn''t call it quickly either. Some would say I was dragging my feet, but I prefer to think of it as a kind of shuffle. Yeah, that sounds fancier, a nice shuffle. So, I shuffle up to the guard and ask him for directions. Hey, can you give me some directions around town? I asked. Sure, straight down this road is the market, around the market you''ll find pubs and inns scattered and that big blue building is the guild. He replied. See? That was easy, simple, now thank the man and move on. Thanks! I state. Alright, time to get some info. But first I need to scope out the market a bit.


    After hours of surveillance, I finally figured out what I need to know. Monster parts are indeed sold, and it appears that each of these little blue orbs I have, called mana orbs, are worth about 1 silver, 1 silver is worth 10copper and 1 copper is worth a bit. I assume that gold is 10 silver, but I didn''t see any bigwigs doing high volume trading out here, so I''ll just have to go on guesswork here. Seems I can sell my slime cores and trade in my mana orbs to the same guy. He appears to be running an all purpose shop around here. Monster parts, general goods, all in all, a pretty prosperous little stall. I don''t understand the writing, but from my talk with the guard I can assume that I speak the right language, or It''s being translated somehow. Anyway, down to business!If you find this story on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the infringement.


    I''ve played many rpgs, from tabletop to videogames, and the one thing they have in common is loot. Killing and selling is the simplest way to get xp and gold. However, I dont'' know enough about this world yet. Are there enchantments, is there skill levels, do the prices fluctuate from day to day. Damn, I really should have asked Mister some more about this world. Oh well, I might as well just bite the bullet and ask him, nonchalantly of course, smooth like.


    So I walk up to the man at the stall once I notice he appears to be free of customers and ask him a few questions. The man himself is well, weaselly. He is kind of skinny and has a sort of beady look to him, but he seems friendly enough. Would I trust him with my life savings?Probably not, but I wouldn''t trust my grandma with that. I ask him quickly, How much will you give me for these slime cores? He tells me he''ll give me 5 copper per, and I quickly agree. However, I notice a change in his attitude, am I missing something. FUCK ME, haggling, I''m so used to buying things at a set price that I never learned to properly haggle, well, not irl at least. I should keep an eye out for little things and try to blend in with the general population. Though I doubt I can pull that off. I didn''t spend half my time at high school, half my time in the C.I.A. or something.


    Regardless of how suspicious it makes me look, I need to fish for information and this guy seems worldly enough. So, what do you know about magic? I ask. He states simply, not much, though I do have some books that include the basics. SWEET, exactly what I need, easy Justin, don''t look too eager, calm down. How much for the book on the basics, I ask. 1 silver he states, obviously waiting for the haggle. This time I''m ready dammit. 5 coppers, I fire back. 9 coppers he sends my way, 6 I say, 8 he says, 7 I say. He gets kind of a wry grin and says, fine, 7 coppers it is. Success, and it wasn''t that expensive either. I then ask him to exchange my mana orbs, and he agrees readily, at 1 silver a pop. I quickly look in my purse and count out how much I have. 2 silver - 7 copper + 4 silver. 5 silver 3 copper. Hopefully thats enough for room and board for a night or so.


    I ask him for directions to a cheap inn, and he points me to a smallish two story building squeezed between two better looking buildings, but hey. I might as well check this place out. As I walk inside the first thing I notice is the smell. Stew, god damn I love stew. Red meat and me have a long and happy history. It smells like meat, potatoes, onion, and I don''t give a fuck what else. I decided right then and there, as long as I got some stew, I wouldn''t mind dumping even half my moolah on a room for tonight. The lady working behind the bar is a bit of a looker too. She isn''t anything to write home about, but she''s got curves in the right places and a pretty smile to boot. Who cares if she''s twice my age? At least she''ll have some experience!


    Alright man, calm yourself. You are just extra horny because it''s been days since you''ve seen anything resembling tits. Tense up your calf muscles, redirect the bloodflow, great. Now I can approach her without giving myself away, or well, mostly. Hello ma''am, how much will it cost for a room for the night? 2 copper a night or a silver per week, lunch and dinner are included, breakfast is extra, she says. DEAL, as long as I get some of that stew right now I exclaim. I give her a silver and she shows me to my room and gives me a key. I try not to stare too much at her rear end as she unlocks the door. I thank her and she gives me kind of a look. Not a bad look, more of a knowing look. It''s like she can see through into my mind and knows just where my eyes were a few seconds ago. Damn, and I thought I was stealthy!


    Alright, time to settle down down, unpack my spears and meager belongings. I''m pretty sure the bread and cheese aren''t going to make it. That doesn''t matter though, I have stew downstairs, and I''m going to violate that with all the energy I can muster. I quickly rush downstairs, ask for a bowl, receive one, and get this. I have a spoon, real cutlery, what more could a man ask for? Hot food, a warm bed, and there''s even a pot to piss in up here! Time for me to get some shut eye.

 Magic and Money

    My room is magical. Not in the sense of floating chairs or magic mirrors or anything like that. But truly wonderful in the sense that I have a bed, a beautiful bed. Sure it isn''t the biggest, and I''m certain this world hasn''t mastered mattress technology. I don''t think tempur pedic is coming anytime soon at least. It''s my bed and I like it! You don''t know how comfortable it is to have a safe, comfortable, and warm place to sleep in after being lost in the woods. It''s truly sublime.


    On another note, I''ve decided now that I''m safe I should play with this system a bit. I mean, I have a status, there has to be a translation tool, skills to learn, all that fun stuff. It''s amazing the things you can''t be bothered to think about when you are fighting for your life. I pull out my guidebook to magic and say translate. Big shocker, nothing happens. So instead I say Search, and to my lovely surprise I have a nifty little search function. This means I''m not royally fucked, yet at least. I play around with it a bit, familiarizing myself with the intricacy of this system and finally find what I''m looking for. LANGUAGE MASTERY1 SKILL POINT, is exactly what I need. But how the hell do I get skill points?


    I check my status and it doesn''t appear to list any skill points, I''ve already use my stat points as well. Perhaps they are interchangeable? Let me see if there is some sort of wiki in the search function. Wiki, grimoire, lore, *pop* well, looks like lore it is. This thing is massive but it appears I can search through the lore as well, so that will be handy. I quickly look up skill points, and here''s what pops up. Skill Points: Skill points are a gift from the heavens for mastery of an art. Skill points can be obtained by demonstrating mastery of a skill and be used to enhance or learn the basics of another skill. Obtaining skill points is an arduous process and not for the faint of hearted. One must be proficient and well versed in whatever skill point they are trying to claim. You may attempt to claim a point as many times as you want. Examples of skills used to obtain skill points are as follows: Fencing, Archery, Farming, Sewing, Hunting, Chess, etc. One may claim a skill point by thinking CLAIM, while thinking of the mastery they have obtained.


    I can''t believe my luck, I bet I can claim some points right this damn second! During my long and sorted history of being well, a loser, I''ve mastered the art of playing boardgames. Chess, checkers, backgammon, monopoly, risk, operation, you name it, I''ve mastered it. I can''t believe no-one takes advantage of this. Well, actually, when you factor in that this world appears to be on the technological level of the middle ages, it isn''t that surprising. Generally having the time to play a boardgame would be a luxury in times like these and I doubt a farmer very much cares about mastering fencing or unlocking the art of enchanting. It seems to me like I was given a very generous hand to play, now only to try claiming it.


    CLAIM! I think loudly while thinking of chess. Hopefully this will work and I''ll be able to read this damn book. *DING* 1 skill point has been distributed, would you like to use it now? YES, I eagerly exclaim. I''ve always been a bit of a bookworm, even going so far as to ignore my teachers so I could read a good book. The chance to read a book and learn a skill that could actually benefit me in a meaningful way, and aid in my survival. Well, it brings a tear to my face. I''m sure my old english teacher would be proud of me. I apply the point to LANGUAGE MASTERY and eagerly open the book. YES, the gibberish has been replaced by english, good ol english.


    After reading for a few hours I''ve come to one conclusion. Magic is hard! It turns out that the reason I haven''t seen anyone performing high level magic, isn''t because the knowledge is hidden and kept secret in some dark dungeon somewhere. It''s more along the lines of, meh, why bother? A magician could shoot a ball of fire and kill a far-away enemy, but so could an archer. The practical applications aren''t there for generalized magic. Don''t get me wrong, I''m still going to learn it. I''m going to read, re-read, and re-re-read this book until I''ve mastered the basics.Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on Royal Road.


    It all starts with mana manipulation. Everyone starts out with the same amount of mana, which is to say, not much. There are a few exceptions, but for this explanation we''ll keep it simple. There are only 3 ways in which you can change how much mana you have. Applying stat points, using enchanted items, and practice. I''m all out of stat points and my wallet probably can''t handle the great ring of legend, so practice it is.


    Manipulating mana is kind of like being buzzed. You clear your mind of all things and focus on this ghostly force inside of yourself. The problem is that it doesn''t feel quite natural yet. Like when you have a few beers at a party and you aren''t used to that topsy turvy feeling in your head yet. This disorentation appears to be dissipating with practice, but it still doesn''t feel right. Manipulation of mana is just the first step though. The next step is the hard part.


    Shaping mana into a useable form is quite strenuous. There is a near infinite amount of ways to shape mana. The simplest, and the kind used to make a quick buck by high mana capacity mages down on their luck, is to form the mana within them into a mana crystal. Mana crystals can be used to supplement low mana capacities, but are harder to use and are volatile. We''ll touch more on that later, what I''m planning on doing is shaping my mana into a fine mist. This will allow me to practice the simplest of spells, create fire. Fire is the simplest of spells because it is in principle, the closest to a natural phenomena. Fire is very simple, Fuel+Oxygen= Fire.


    After playing with it for a few minutes, I''m able to finally make a tiny flame. It''s not my poor mana capacity that''s holding me back though, it''s more my control. Most of my mana appears to be dissipating in whats called, mana leakage. A master mage can use nearly all of his mana efficiently, accomplishing what mere novices can do with 1/100 of the mana. I should work on my mana manipulation skills. However, if I''m going to support myself, and keep a roof over my head, one that contains a beautiful bed, I''ll work on making crystallized mana. This way I can practice my manipulation skills and work on practical magic.


    But first, LUNCH. I''ve been holed up in here all day practicing my skills. Hopefully I''ll be able to grab a quick bite, head back upstairs, practice until dinner, eat, and head to bed. Well, that''s the plan at least. But as you can probably guess, plans don''t always work out the way you want them to. You know the old adage: If you want to make god laugh, tell him your plans.


    Lunch was stew, stew, and more stew. The nice lady running the bar, Trixie was her name *really should have asked for that earlier* didn''t have alot of customers tonight and she told me I could take all I could eat. Which, after pulling a Micheal Phelps just yesterday, I needed. Finally, full of food, a glass of free mead "because I''m all skin and bones" Trixie stated, and a bit of lust, I head back upstairs to continue practicing magic.


    Well, that was the plan at least. A few minutes in I managed to crystalize a small piece of mana, no bigger than a marble. This would be all well and good if I also didn''t leak about 99% of my mana, and pass out on the floor. I came to roughly a few hours later, as it was still dark outside with a minor headache. *Note to self* Mana depletion sucks dick. Turns out, this isn''t some rpg game, if you run out of mana, you run out of energy and pass out. On the bright side of things, at least I wasn''t out trying to kill a direwolf or something when my mana ran out. I should be more careful, guess I''ll have to keep an eye on my mana a bit more closely in the future. But either way, that''s a problem for tomorrow. Tomorrow I''ll take my crystallized mana to that weaselly looking trader, and see what I can get out of him. Sleep tight everyone.

 Mana Montage

    Mana is a fickle mistress. She is an ethereal wave of power just slipping from my grasp, right on the edge of reach, but not quite within my hands. I''m left to make do with the dregs of power I can pull from her grasp. In short, magic is still hard. But at least it seems like it could be a decent living. If I make enough mana crystals I imagine I could live quite comfortably in this world. So that''s what I''ll do, man crystals FOR THE WIN.


    8 hours later I''ve come to one simple conclusion: this better be fucking worth it. I head downstairs, grab some lunch and make my way out to the market. It''s time to see how much my crystalized mana is worth. Keeping one hand on my coin purse and one hand on my blade, I quickly make my way to the same stall I used the other day. The same weaselly man is standing there *note to self, get his name* and he instantly brightens up. I imagine that''s because I''m an easy mark, but maybe he''s just friendly, not EVERYONE is out to get you after all, just most of them.


    Skipping past pleasantries I decide to test him out with the little piece I made yesterday. He calmly takes it in his hand, quicks it a quick once over, and then deftly pulls out a set of scales. While he''s doing this I try and butter him up a bit. So, what did you say your name was friend, I ask. Vekel, he replies. Oh, have you been doing this long then, I ask? For all my life, grew up trading with the free folk, he comments. I''m about to ask who the free folk are, but judging by the look on his face, that''s common knowledge at this point.


    Vekel looks me dead in the eye, and without a hint of guile says: I can offer you one bit for this piece of mana. Immediately my dreams are dashed, *FUCK* I scream internally, this little piece of mana isn''t worth a tenth of what I had hoped for. Alright, calm down Justin, it''s time to think things through rationally. If crystallized mana was worth that much, it wouldn''t be so easy to make. Sure It knocked my ass out, but that''s my own damn fault. I should know my limits better. I quickly pull out my bag and place the rest of my crystallized mana on the stall. He gives these a once-over as well, and plops them on the scale. After reading the scales he offers me 1 copper 5 bits. I hastily agree and get the hell out of there.


    I quickly walk up to my room and do the math in my head. If it costs a silver week, and I make a copper and 5 bits in one day, that means I can make a profit of roughly 3 bits. Not alot, but if I factor in my growing mana capacity and I factor in my manipulation skills, I should be able to crank out more and more each day. My only issue will be inflation, but I doubt something as useful as mana crystals are going to stay on the market for long. I guess I''ll just have to roll up my sleeves and get to work making these crystals, fun. Time for an 80''s montage or something.


    Day 1: Everything appears to be the same crystal wise. I haven''t made any big advancements and my mana capacity isn''t increasing to a noticeable extent. At least I''ll be able to support myself on my meager earnings as long as I don''t do anything too wild.


    Day 2: I''ve made one more crystal today than yesterday. This brings my daily total to 16 crystals and my daily earnings to 1 copper 6 bits. I''m not going to be the Bill Gates of this world, but at least I won''t starve anytime sooon.Stolen from its rightful author, this tale is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.


    Day 3: No new changes, everything is the same as yesterday, nothing special happened today.


    Day 4: Somehow I managed to make 20 mana crystals today. I''m not sure if its because I had more time, *it''s not exactly like I have a clock to go by here* or because I''m getting better at this, but we''ll find out tomorrow.


    Day 5: I have indeed made progress. 20 mana crystals a day is enough to get by with. I should go out though, being cooped up in my room can''t be healthy. Tomorrow I''ll go out and try to interact with the big wide world.


    Day 6: I''m a liar, it''s plain and simple. I try not to lie to others, but I lie to myself on a daily basis. I''ll work out tomorrow or I''ll clean that up the second I''m done cooking. Lies, Lies, Lies! In short, I spent the entire day hold up in my little room making crystals, nothing new on that end.


    Day 7; I payed Trixie for another weeks worth of service and holed myself up in my room again. She has a distasteful look on her face, but I can sense she''s too polite to say something. I wonder what it could be. Have I angered her somehow? Am I so ugly that I scare away other patrons? Oh well, I guess it doesn''t matter that much.


    Day 8: Upon informing Trixie that I was going out, she gave me a few coppers and had me pick up some things from the market for her. I followed her directions, collected her goods, and sold my mana crystals to Vekel at the usual price. In my opinion, everything went by smoothly. Well, that is until I got back to the inn. Trixie promptly thanked me, pulled a bar of soap out from behind the counter, and informed me that it was high time I''d had a bath. Ahh, that''s what the look was about. I should really pay more attention to my surroundings. This whole time I''d been giving myself a whore''s bath using a pitcher of water and a rag, but nothing beats a tub of water. I promptly bathe and dry myself without incident, as much as I want to lounge around in the warm water I can''t, I have important things to do after all.


    Day 9: 21 mana crystals were created today, yay. This isn''t major progress but I am making some progress after all.


    Day 10:I''ve made a mistake, I blew through most of my savings last night. I don''t quite remember what happened, but apparently I came downstairs, ordered first one, then another, then another and so on mugs of ale. Apparently I met a sweet young girl, spent the night wooing her, then her boyfriend showed up, demanded I apologize, which I did, by buying the whole inn a round of ale. God I''m stupid. No more drinking for ol Justin, that''s a promise!


    Day 11: My hangover combined with my poor attitude contributed to a sub-par yield of mana crystals. I made 15 today, but that''s better than yesterday. After checking my savings I have 3 silvers, 8 coppers, and 5 bits, along with 36 mana crystals.


    Day 12: I swear sometimes I''m a dumbass. In every game I can think of, there is a potency level for mana related items. Why wouldn''t it be the same for mana crystals? After experimenting with a few marble sized crystals, the thought finally occurred to me to add more mana to the crystals and see what happens. It turns out that they glow, the effect is subtle at first, but it increases in potency the more mana I put in. I wonder if this is more efficient than making new crystals each time. I''ll have to try and sell these to Vekel tomorrow.


    Day 13: 4 silvers and 5 coppers. I made that much just by charging 9 crystals and selling them! The price increase is crazy. Doing the math, each standard crystal is worth 1 bit, and each charged crystal is worth 5 coppers! Sure amount of mana requirement increases exponentially, but I should be able to pull off 9 or 10 of these a day if I really knuckle down. Well, now that I''ve gotten the boring bit out of the way guess I''ll end the montage *80''s music plays in the background*

 A pleasant afternoon

    It occurs to me on this fine night that I should get some better gear. Even though my agility is quite high I don''t think I want to be melee specialist. Choosing something more along the lines of a magical warrior would probably be my best bet here. Enchantments seem like the way to go, though I don''t know whether I should learn how to do them myself or buy some. I guess it all depends on the availability and price. In your typical rpg, if you have the option to enchant something yourself, 9 times out of 10 that''s the way to go. Some games are even notorious for game breaking enchantments. I guess I''ll have to do some digging using the search function.


    After searching for a bit it turns out yes, enchantments exist, yes they are practical, no I don''t know how to do it. It turns out that you engrave the item you want enchanted with a rune, this structures the mana. The next step is to provide an energy source. Items are able to use one of 3 methods to obtain mana. Ambient mana can be drawn from the natural surroundings, while this is the most commonly used method, it isn''t suitable for mana intensive enchantments. The second method is to provide energy directly, a mage can direct his flow of mana into the device to acheive a desired effect. This is particularly useful for novices who don''t have a wide repertoire of spells at their disposal, commonly used in the military. The third method, and the one that most interests me uses mana crystals for their source of power. Using mana crystals provideds high graded fuel that can be used at near perfect effeciency. These are popular because they can be operated without any sort of prior experience, they are commonly used as magical torches.


    I''m going to see if Vekel has any books on the subject, or at least can point me in the right direction. As I pack my newly improved mana crystals and grab my coinpurse a thought occurs to me.I should look into spatial magic, kind of a magical inventory. Vekel tells me that he doesn''t have the book but there is a bookstore in town that specializes in this kind of thing, he even offered to show me the way once he gets done working. i guess I''ll go hang out in the inn, maybe have a drink or two with Trixie, provided she''s willing to tolerate my company.If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the violation.


    After 3 drinks and a bit of pleasant conversation with my lovely innkeeper, I decided I''d go see if Vekel was free to show me where that bookstore is. He said it''s a bit obscure, but the owner doesn''t get much business and would be happy to sell me a few things after hours. Vekel then led me around the alley, through another alley, down the main road, up another alley. Almost in a seemingly random pattern. Man this city is confusing, I would sure hate to get lost in this place. God knows how dangerous it could be.


    During our little walk I decide to strike up a conversation with my good man Vekel here. Hey Vekel, you get any strange items in your little stall, I ask. Nope, nothing really, just the same old, mana crystals, a few books, creature components, potions, your everday stuff, he said. Ahh, ok, well if you get anything cool let me know, I''m always interested to something nifty. Vekel slowly turns to me and says: The only thing interesting is you bud. Huh, wait, is this a come on, I better think fast, try and let him down easy. Uh, you too Vekel, DAMMIT, I''m a moron, try and let him know you aren''t interested, but be polite. I just want you to know, I don''t swing that way scooterpuff, no offense intended. None taken he says, and then my world goes fuzzy. If he was wanting to make a good first impression, this isn''t the way to do it.

 A good celly sleeps on his belly

    Fun fact: getting knocked out can lead to head-aches, nausea, and a white hot seething rage. As I awake in my cell I''m overwhelmed by the first two, and then the third. I appear to be bound with my hands in front of me and no leg restraints, so that''s nice. The downside is that even if I had mastery of all magics, I cant seem to access my mana. If I had to wager, I''d say its the strange scrollwork on the manacles. Guess I''ll have to use good old fashioned brute force and common sense to escape my captors.


    My cell has a small grate in the corner, a relatively comfortablelooking bed, and stone walls on all sides. The door appears to be wrought iron, and no, there doesn''t appear to way a way to unlock it from this side, even if I could magic up a key. Seems as though they don''t want me getting out. Sadly for them, that''s my only concern at the moment. Well, that and getting my gear out of Trixies inn.


    After a few hours a little slit opens up in the door and a tiny package comes sliding out. It reads, Dear Justin, this is Vekel, produce mana crystals if you want to keep eating, enclosed is the key for your manacles, fail to produce and we might forgot to feed you. P.S. no hard feelings, you were just an easy mark and those mana crystals sell for five times what I was giving you. FUCK ME, that traitorous son of a bitch, I thought. If I ever get out of here I''m going to feed him his fucking liver.


    Well, might as well get started I guess. I quickly remove my manacles, and after rubbing my wrists to get some feeling back in them, I get down to business. At least I''m used to making these damn things by now. Crystal after crystal after crystal, I go through more crystal thank a junkie in the south. I make sure to imbue them and make them up to par with my old ones, but I don''t make enough to drain all my mana. I keep about 10% of my mana on me and quickly burn through it practicing fire magic each time I make a pools worth of crystals. Speaking of which, I should really checkmy status, it''s been awhile and this is one of the few advantages of being in this world. With a thought my status opens up.You could be reading stolen content. Head to the original site for the genuine story.


    Name: Justin Brown


    Level:5


    Experience: 1500/1603.125


    Age: 18


    Hp: 100


    Mp:321


    Att: 5


    Status: Unaffected


    Str: 10


    Per: 10


    End: 11(+1)


    Cha: 10


    Agi:30


    Luck: 10


    Res:6 (+1)


    Abilities: Experience x5, Mana manipulation (264/1000), Mana Crystallization (466/1000), Fire affinity (22/1000)


    Well fuck me, with an affinity that low I doubt I''ll be able to kill a damn slime. Seriously, I need to work on that if I ever plan to get out of here. I don''t know what kind of affinity and mana capacity I''ll need to burn through a wrought iron door, but I don''t think I''m anywhere near that. I need to buckle down, and work on controlling my fire. If only I knew how to enchant things! I could make mana crystals all day, enchant my boots or something for strength, and kick that damn door down. But then would I need endurance to match my strength? Wouldn''t my leg just snap like a twig? That''s a scary thought, but anyway, I need to stop wasting time and buckle down. These fuckers don''t know who they captured. Time to make them pay!

 Imprisoned

    All in all, this isn''t half bad. Take what I was doing just the other day, holing myself up in my room, creating mana crystals, and doing little else but eating and sleeping. This is pretty much the exact same thing, I''m holed up in a room, this time more literally, I''m eating decent food "they gave me stew, score!", and I''m making mana crystals. The only difference now is that I''m also practicing fire magic on the side. Oh, and there''s that lack of freedom thing, but some would say freedom is an illusion, that nothing really matters or something like that. I''ve never really bought into all that, but I can certainly see the merits of the argument, especially now.


    I''m making decent progress with fire magic, but I honestly don''t have much hope of getting out soon. I guess I''ll have to bide my time until I can overpower this damn iron door. But my plan is flimsy at best. I mean, they could have more than one door, and I don''t even know what''s behind this one. For all I know I''m going to need to knock down dozens of doors. I need to think of a way to get this done in one go. It''s not like they would let me live after I try to escape. Or they could torture me of course, but lets hope it doesn''t come to that.


    Even If I get my fire magic and mana manipulation mastered, there is still the issue of my tiny mana pool. Sure it''s increased by a huge amount since I started, but I''d feel more comfortable with mana to spare. It seems in every game with combat magic, mana is just so sparce. Have you ever tried playing as a pure mage? That sucks dick most times, sure it''s powerful once you get to a certain point, however early on it''s nearly impossible. Enchantments are where it''s at, but I don''t know how to make those yet, DAMMIT!This narrative has been purloined without the author''s approval. Report any appearances on Amazon.


    After making mana crystals and playing with fire magic for a few hours, a note comes in through the slot in the door. Wrapped up in the note is an ink and quill. It reads, Dear prisoner, we are impressed with your output, write down a few amenities and we''ll be happy to provide them for you. I quess my mana crystals really must be worth alot if they are willing to provide me with some luxuries. I quickly write down a few basic things and slide the note through the hole, though I keep the ink and quill. I asked for a few things that wouldn''t seem too out of the ordinary. A change of clothes, soap, blankets, pillows, and of course a bit of needle and thread. Hmm, maybe I could get used to this.


    Mana crystals can be compressed, and that mana can be used to power enchantments or spells. Leakage is the problem. From what I''ve read, using a mana crystal to power a spell isn''t cost effective due to the leakage. Apparently internal and external mana is very different when it comes to manipulating it. I''ll give it a go tomorrow, today I''ll make sure to stop practice on my fire magic so I can make a few mana crystals and stash them for practicing external manipulation. If everything works out well, I think I may have figured out a way to game the system.

 Experimentation

    I think I might be developing stockholm syndrome. They give me decent food, the cell is relatively spacious, I have some nice things like soap and pillows and what not. Back on earth I wasn''t exactly wealthy you know, so this isn''t really all that different. I don''t have running water, but I think if I work out a water magic,I can combine it with my existing fire magic and I''ll be able to have me a shower. All in all, things are pretty decent. I still plan to escape though, hopefully sooner rather than later.


    Mana crystal production is progressing the same as usual. I haven''t increased my output at all, but that''s all part of the plan. Today I''m going to take a few of the extra crystals I made yesterday and I''m going to practice manipulating the mana into a form I can use. The theory is that if I can amass enough high grade mana crystals in secrecy, then I can use them to power my fire magic. The problem is that I''ve read external mana manipulation is harder than internal mana manipulation. But it''s all mana manipulation in the end, it shouldn''t matter too much.


    So after filling the quota for mana crystals, dropping them through the slot in the door, and grabbing my hidey hole of mana crystals, it''s finally time to begin. First I try pulling the mana directly from the crystals and into a freshfire spell. Nope, that doesn''t work. Next I try pulling the mana from the crystals into a pre-existing fire spell. This works somewhat, but I''m banking on this next idea. Last I try pulling the mana from the crystals, into myself, circulating it throughout my body, and then focusing it into a spell. BAZINGA, that''s the golden ticket Charlie!Love what you''re reading? Discover and support the author on the platform they originally published on.


    It appears I need to work on mana manipulation a bit more, and I need work on mastering fire magic. Currently I leak about 80% of my mana trying to make a fire spell without a crystal, and about 85% with a crystal. It doesn''t sound like alot, but when you factor in the pre-requisite mana cost to creat the crystal, it really adds up. I need to perfect my mana crystal making skills so I''l have more time to work on my escape plan. I think I have just the theory to make it work though.


    Eureka motherfuckers! My theory was a success. It turns out that if I compress my excess mana throughout the day into a mana crystal, I can then use that mana from the crystal to make another crystal. This sounds counter-productive, but that''s only because you aren''t factoring one important thing. The more I manipulate mana, the better I become manipulating mana, thus the more efficient my spells become. It''s kind of a catch all solution. This increases my mana capacity, improves upon my crystallization skills, and increases my efficiency. It''s a win, win, win situation.


    The bucket of water they provide each day is well, a bucket of water. It isn''t exactly rocket science, they bring in a bucket *presumably while I''m asleep, though I''m not ruling magic out of the equation* and each night after I use some of it, it''s refilled. I have a grate to well, do my business over, and it isn''t the cleanest. I''m hoping to use this bucket of water to teach me some magic. First I circulate the mana within my body, then I focus it out towards my hands. I then send it out towards the water. I''m hoping I can infuse the water with my mana, and then I can manipulate it from there. And, the water erupts in a cloud of steam. FUCK, there goes my water for the night. Guess I''ll have to try again tomorrow. *note to self, drink some of the god damned water next time you dipshit*.

 Failed ideas

    It''s not everyday that you say fuck it. I mean this literally, it''s not everyday that YOU say fuck it. I do, it''s just a part of my nature. I remember when I was a little boy, and I had all the fucks to give. Then I got older and my fucks slowly dwindled with the loss of my innocence. I started to have only fucks for the necessities and friends. Soon I only had fucks for the necessities, and now, I have no fucks left. I want to give a fuck, I really do. But sadly, giving a fuck just isn''t in my nature anymore.


    That last statement isn''t entirely true, there are some things everyone gives a fuck about. Somegive a fuck about personal justice. Most give a fuck about living a happy fulfilling life. Everyone gives a fuck about something, but some give a disproportionately smaller amount of fucks. I''m in that last category. I find myself not giving a fuck about the small things these days. During my short imprisonment, I haven''t bothered to give a fuck about most things.


    There was an initial flash of hatred at Vekel when I first arrived, but that is slowly dying down. I initially wanted nothing more than freedom, but the more I try, the more futile it appears to be. In conclusion, I''ve pretty much given up. Sure I''m going to keep trying to experiment, testing out new and exciting varieties of escape plans. However, that''s mainly something to fill the void and pass the time. I honestly, couldn''t care less about escape at this point.


    You know what, fuck all that. I''m getting out of this shit-hole. I''m going to master this fire magic bullshit and I''m going to beat the shit out of Ol Vekel. That shady looking fuck is going to need a nut transplant by the time I''m done with him. Time to quit moping around and get this shit taken care of. First off, I better look at my stats and see how much progress I''ve made over the past couple days.


    Name: Justin Brown


    Level:5


    Experience: 1500/1603.125The genuine version of this novel can be found on another site. Support the author by reading it there.


    Age: 18


    Hp: 100


    Mp:365


    Att: 5


    Status: Unaffected


    Str: 10


    Per: 10


    End: 11(+1)


    Cha: 10


    Agi:30


    Luck: 10


    Res:6 (+1)


    Abilities: Experience x5, Mana manipulation (410/1000), Mana Crystallization (495/1000), Fire affinity (108/1000)


    Alright, I haven''t really increased my mana output alot, but my mana manipulation has gone up a fair bit. Fire affinity has quadrupled, so that''s a good sign. I guess I''ll stick with my original plan and master fire magic to the point where I can blast through this damn door. Precision is key, once I can master my flame magic to the point where I can cut the damn hinges off this door, all I need to do is step out of the way and let er rip. Great, plan is made, now it''s time to actually follow through, back to the boring bit.


    After I make mana crystals and imbue them for a bit, while stashing one away for myself and hiding it in my new pillow (that needle and thread came in handy). I should practice water magic again. But first, I''m getting a big ol drink and washing my unmentionables. Alright, time to get down to brass tacks.


    First I take a bit of water in my hands and try to infuse mana into it that way. *SSSSSSSS* And it goes up in steam, again. Guess I''ll try to surround the water in mana this time. At least if it turns into steam this time, I''ll be able to keep it contained. I slowly create a bubbleof manaaround a bit of water I have in my hand. Hmm, that''s interesting. It appears everywhere the the outside of the bubble touches immediately turns to steam. However, everything inside the bubble is the same as always. Next I try compressing the bubble of mana. The water has an interesting reaction to this. It appears as though I can compress the water, though I don''t think is what I''m looking for. Compressing water doesn''t seem all that useful.


    Well, fuck it. I''ve made quite a bit of progress for today. As long as I can stay motivated I''ll be able to able to get out of this cell. I''m already fantasizing about burning that fuck-heads face off. Sell out a stranger for what I presume is a shit ton of money. Despicable, err, well, I might have done the same thing. But this time it''s personal dammit, yeah, that sounds cool. Anyway, time for sleep.

 A Package

    *Yawn* Another boring day trapped in the same boring cell with the same damn problems. Or, well, it would be, if I hadn''t happened to notice something interesting sitting next to the door. A little package that is either a rectangular box, or a book. As I slowly unwrap it, a letter falls out. I ignore that for now, as I''m too stunned by what the title says. FUCK YES, Beginners Guide to Enchanting. Hell yeah, I''m definitely getting out of this fuck-hole now. But first, lets take a look at the letter. It reads, Dear Justin, I''m sorry that I betrayed you, but I didn''t have any other choice. The money was just too damn good. Maybe in the future you''ll learn to enjoy your new life, who knows, maybe one day I can visit you. Anyways, enjoy the book, be a good lad, and remember, it''s not personal.


    I read and re-read and re-re-read the damn letter over and over again. I read it until I start mocking his voice as in my head as I read it. "Nothing personal" Sure, imprisoning someone and making them become a mana factory "Isn''t personal". Yeah, and when Brutus stabbed Caesar it wasn''t personal either. Just two lads at opposing ends of the spectrum, nothing personal about this shit. *Hint, Hint, SARCASM*


    If I ever see that weasel-faced son of a bitch again, I''m going to skull fuck him. I''m going to beat his brains into a bloody pulp. I''m going to find out if he has a sister, then I''m going to get them both completely hammered. After that I''ll make them fuck each other and leave them locked in a room somewhere with no food or water, living with their guilt until the day they starve to death. Yeah, fucked up shit.


    It occurs to me that being incarcerated may not have the best effect on my mental wll being. Perhaps I''m a bit hysterical at this point. Maybe, you could even call me a little loony. That wouldn''t be politically correct now though would it? I prefer the term sanity challenged. Use my pronouns or I''ll SUE your ass!


    We may be getting off topic here, lets focus on the important issues. Issue one, I need to get the hell out of here before I develop stockholm syndrome or go completely fucking nutters. Issue two, I need to shank a bitch, a bitch named Vekel. Issue three, I need to think of a way to make cash on the outside once I''m out, but I think enchanting might just be my ticket.If you stumble upon this narrative on Amazon, it''s taken without the author''s consent. Report it.


    I read through the book and to summarize, it states: Enchanting is a fine art to only be attempted by those who have a firm grasp upon mana manipulation. Enchanting is the act of placing a known spell upon a mana crystal or object. Placing the enchantment upon an object allows you to feed the enchantment using a direct source of mana or if you are skilled, will allow it to draw in ambient mana from your surroundings. These are popular as lamps, cooling boxes, etc. The ambient mana in any given place varies widely, and should be measured before making said enchantments. Using a mana crystal for enchantments is a bit trickier, you muse make both a large enough mana crystal to inscribe the sigil upon, but at the same time it needs to be compressed enough to put out enough energy for a spell. These types of enchantments are generally popular for one use spells. These spells include but are not limited to fireball, barrier, explosion.


    I damn near drop the book I''m so excited. EXPLOSION BABY, BOOM BOOM BOOM! I''m getting out of this fuck hole, all I need to do is figure out how to make an explosion. As I wrack my brain I''m reminded of what I managed to pull off last night. Last night I was able to compress the water from my bucket. What is an explosion but a bunch of fire going off at once? If I can use the exact same technique in order to to contain a bit of fire, and compress it to it''s breaking point... Eureka motherfuckers, and to think, my father told me physics wouldn''t be useful in real life.


    So in conclusion, I need to master these sigils. They seem complex, but hey, I''ve got nothing but time, and I''m sure as hell motivated. I''ll need to practice containing and compressing water, I''m hoping that once I''ve got that down I''ll be able to translate that to fire magic. Once I understand the concept a bit better, I''ll be able to make my mana crystals, inscribe them with the correct sigils, and have me some magical grenades. Fuck me if that doesn''t sound like a damn skippy good plan. And on that note, I need to rest, tomorrow is looking bright though.


    *note to self* Maybe I''ll let Vekel have a quick painless death, he did help me out after all.

 Escape

    Compressing things is very finicky. Mana crystals aren''t as bad as say water or fire. Once in physical form, that''s what they are, a solid object. Water and fire are too fluid, too hard to contain in any real sense. I''ve made progress though, I think at this point that I''m ready to attempt making some sort of bomb. All I need to do is inscribe the sigils on my mana crystals, and I''ll be good to go.


    Sigils are a lot simpler than I thought they would be. From the fantasy books I''ve read, it seems that enchanting has to do with all sorts of complicated algorithms. For me at least, that isn''t the case, at least for something as simple as compression. All I have to do is kind of direct the crystal to do what I need it to. I used a simple sigil for fire, and one for compression. The only problem I had was figuring out how to set them off, but I figured I could activate them remotely by sending a pulse of mana towards them. The water versions of these reacted quite violently, so I''ll assume the fire ones will work as well.


    I spend the next half hour making a bag out of blanket using my needle and thread. A master seamstress would surely be ashamed of me, but hey, not everything is perfect. I''ve prepared all my mana crystals and inscribed them with the proper sigils. Today is the day I get out of this cell. What is it they say in that movie Braveheart? FREEEEEEEDOM!


    First I stack a few of my bombs against the hinge side of the door. Next, I climb under the bud, protecting my feet with my fluffy little pillows. Then I pray to whatever god might be in charge of this world and send a mana pulse directly at the bombs. One, Two, Three, well, it''s taking a minute, I guess I''ll do inventory. A few compressed mana crystals, ninebombs left after putting threeon the door, my blanket, a change of clothes, some decent boots, all in all I think I''m rea----. BOOM. The door, half the wall, and a good portion of the pillows by my feet are blown to fuck all.


    Well, shit, guess I underestimated myself. Maybe next time I''ll make sure to include a limiter of sorts, or may figure out how to use compressed mana to make a localized barrier around myself. As I''m contemplating the mysteries of the arcane, a nagging sensation forms in the back of my head. Hmm, wasn''t I doing something? Oh, yeah, FREEDOM!


    I immediately charge out of my cell. Only to be greeted by hall, after hall after hall. Cells line the path all throughout this place. How many fucking people are locked up here, and better yet, what should I do a bout it? An idea slowly forms in my mind, one of the best ideas I think I''ve had in ages. I go up and down the hallway opening slots on the doors. I shout: IF YOU KNOW ANY COMBAT MAGIC, LET ME KNOW!This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.


    Silence, followed by a shuffling of feet, suddenly there is a clamoring heard behind each of these doors. Apparently they all know combat magic, or so they say. Well, fuck it someone has to be useful. Nine bombs to go, and each one can probably take out a door by themselves. I have no idea what kind of caliber of ally I might be getting, but I know one thing. They have to be more loyal than that Vekel son of a bitch. I place 8 of my bombs by 8 doors and get back. I quickly shout a warning to get under their beds, which I''m hoping they listened to, and take cover in my old cell . I send a stream of mana towards the bombs then duck and cover. Kaboom


    After the deafening roar, I quickly rush out of the room. Theoretically I have eight new allies, and they say they can do combat magic (but seriously, wouldn''t you lie in their position?). Time to take stock of who we have before whatever guards patrol this place decide to fuck us up. Speak of the devil, this big burly son of a bitch comes running around the corner at a dead sprint. Guess he heard all the explosions and decided to come beat some sense into some unlucky son of a bitch.


    Hi, I''m Justin, you can just call me unlucky son of a bitch. If you''ve purchased this video you are in dire need of help. Welcome to my marathon, I''ll show you proper leg exercises to get the fuck away. Watch closely as I do a one eighty, for all the kids watching, that''s when I turn the fuck around. Remember kids, breathing exercises are very helpful. Like when you are walking into a cloud of ash and dust, don''t breathe, exercise instead. Tip of the day, if the man chasing you has what appears to be something sharp or pointy, don''t fret. That''s the motivation you need to get in shape. Well, I have my hands full, but remember the golden rule of running. Don''t be dead, stay ahead!


    After running for what was honestly not long, maybe thirty seconds, I glance back to find the guard well, a bit holier than I left him. As in, he appears to be leaking a bit from his chest. A quick look to my right finds the culprit. A wiry looking man is standing in the doorframe, or well, hole frame at this point. He appears to be covered in a thin layer of dust, but other than that, perfectly fine. Everything about this man screams WIZARD. Long beard, thin robes, if he told me fly and then called me a fool, he''d be the hollywoods idea of a wizard.


    I clear my throat *ahem* so, uhh, seems you weren''t all lying about the combat magic thing. It''s a shame I could only free eight of you guys. It''s at this point that the man appears to be mouthing something. I''m not quite sure what he''s saying though. Rewind tool? Behind Jew? A jewish behind, what the hell is he saying? Well, no matter, I''ll just leisurely walk up and ask him what the deal is and see if he''ll help me get out of this shitho---.

 Escape Pt. 2

    Have any of you ever been knocked out? It isn''t something you can get used to really. In all the movies and books they make it seem like something that just happens from time to time. It''s a really common trope that they over-use. Turns out that in real life, it sucks dick. Getting knocked out is generally an unpleasant and painful experience. You don''t just shrug it off and forget about it like in the movies. Concussions are a real problem, remember kids, wear your helmets. Lord knows some of you need them.


    As I awaken I do a quick status check and pat myself down, just to make sure all my bits and bobs are still attached and what-not.


    Name: Justin Brown


    Level:5


    Experience: 1500/1603.125


    Age: 18


    Hp: 84/100


    Mp:415


    Att: 5


    Status:Dazed


    Str: 10This narrative has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. If you see it on Amazon, please report it.


    Per: 10


    End: 11(+1)


    Cha: 10


    Agi:30


    Luck: 10


    Res:6 (+1)


    Abilities: Experience x5, Mana manipulation (487/1000), Mana Crystallization (550/1000), Fire affinity (226/1000)


    See kiddies, this is why you wear your helmet, you can get dazed. Though that is a pretty damn mild way to put it, my head feels like a heavy-set midget is trying to use it as a breakdancing mat. Alright, lets look around. Hmm, dead guy, dead guy, dead guy, dust, holes in walls, and all the cells appear to be open now. So someone went through all the effort to kill what seems like all the guards, but didn''t bother waking me up or bringing me to safety. Real fucking classy man, don''t help out your savior or what not, whatever, see if I care. What''s important is getting the hell out of dodge.


    Alright, time to get the fuck out. I immediately start jogging towards what I hope is the exit, only to find a dead end. Alright, lets go the other way, another dead end. Fuck, guess there''s only one route left. After traversing through the tunnels I see a beautiful, yet blinding sight. As Solaire would say, PRAISE THE SUN. It''s beautiful, and blinding and it means I''m getting the fuck out of here.


    After letting my eyes adjust for a bit, I step through the corridor and into the beautiful outdoors. Well, you could call it beautiful, but really it''s just another damn forest. It appears as though I might be stuck in the fucking woods again. Fuckinng cock-munching gutter-whore, I scream loudly. Alright, calm down Justin you are far more prepared than last time. This time you have magic. Granted it isn''t the mythical shoot giant fucking balls of lightning magic, but still, it should work in a pinch.


    I guess I''ll just pick a direction and keep on walking, just keep walking, walking.

 Bandits

    Turns out that walking down the road without a weapon in sight and all by my lonesome wasn''t exactly the brightest of ideas I''d had so far. As any man with a bit of forethought could tell you, I probably looked like an easy target. I''d like to think that was my master plan, but honestly, I can''t. I think things through about 45% of the way on a good day. Today was not a good day. I was hungry, tired, sore, and my head still fucking hurt. Needless to say I wasn''t in the best mood.


    As I walk along the road I hear some shuffling in the trees, I give them a quick glance and think nothing of it, just some squirrels or something. This was my first mistake. As I proceed along the road I see a group of people waiting for me, all nicely lined up, I thought "hey, might as well see what''s up". This was my second mistake. As I approach them I fail to notice that they are all pretty decently armed. You guessed it, third mistake.


    I call out to the people, hey, how goes it guys? They responded by laughing and proclaiming that he''s a dumbass. I''m noticeably annoyed at this point, and ask just what the big deal is? They quickly pull out their weapons and proclaim that all of my stuff now belongs to them. To hand over my bag and to empty my pockets, and they''ll send me on my way. I''m astounded, not quite grasping the situation. I, in a not so friendly tone, tell them they can suck my cock. Thankfully, this is the last mistake of the day.This narrative has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. If you see it on Amazon, please report it.


    It turns out that bandits don''t like being insulted *SHOCKER*. They speak amongst themselves for a minute and then their leader steps forth. Alright you little cunt, you think you got what it takes to step to the big boys? I''ll give you a once over right quick I swear on me mum. I quickly stepped forward and socked the son of a bitch in the forehead. What I failed to remember was my lack of strength. He seemed very surprised but soon recovered enough to kick my ass.


    I''d like to say I put up a fight, that I got a few kicks in, but it was even. I would be lying if I said that, so I won''t. He firmly and completely kicked my ass. I felt like Bruce Lee''s punching bag.The worst part was that he didn''t even look tired. He just kept going at it. Sometimes he would hit me softly, sometimes he would hit me very hard. Sometimes he would miss, but I could tell by the grin on his face that was only to give me false hope. To put it shortly he beat the ever-loving fuck out of me.


    Eventually he grew tired of beating me and pulled out his sword. I didn''t know what to do, I had to think of a plan. Magic is the obvious answer, but it takes focus to channel mana. I knew I should have practiced a bit before getting into any confrontations. It''s not exactly like I planned this though, it kind of happened. Wait a second here, I''ve wasted all my time for strategizing. FUCK ME. We locked eyes for just a moment.As I looked into the eyes of the bandit, I realized I was completely and utterly fucked.

 My Savior

    Do you know what it feels like to have someone pull your ass out of the fire? At first it feels pretty good. In the beginning it''s a relief. Then you start to resent yourself for not being able to help yourself. Next you resent them for not letting you save yourself. The point is the human mind isn''t perfect. We are all a bit selfish, conceated, and generally just assholes deep down.


    As I''m getting the ever loving fuck beat out of me, I notice the sound of hooves in the background. It gets quite loud, and soon the beating stops, the bandits all appear to be retreating. That''s right, I scared them away with my magical ability to take an ass-whooping. Kneel before the Mighty Justin. Cower before my lack of might. Fear my ability to uhh, do stuff. Alright, that last one wasn''t that witty, but what can you expect? I just received a free ass kicking.


    Anyway, during my internal rendition of my speech, some people come strolling up. Well, that''s a bit of an under-exaggeration. Not some people, a metric fuck ton of people come strolling up. All well armed, all riding giant horses, and all looking like they could beat my ass seven ways to Sunday. Not that it would be that hard at his point, but I digress.


    The man in the lead quickly dismounts and I''m immediately awestruck. Picture Prince Charming, but with better abs. If I liked the fellas, I''m quite sure my jimmy''s would be rustling at this point. Looks aside, he''s clearly the person in charge. He walks right up to me and firmly states, Stand back citizen, the knights of the realm are here to assist you. He shouts to the knights behind him, flank them, let no bandit survive.The narrative has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.


    It''s at this point where I should have said, thank you sir knight, or maybe something heroice, my life-blood thanks you. I didn''t do either of these things. I just kind of looked around a bit confused, surprised that I didn''t have a few extra holes in me, and frankly a bit disappointed. I mean, it''s not like life is permanent, the last time I died I was brought to anothe world. Who''s to say it won''t happen again? Maybe life is just full of infinite worlds all full of them infinitely reincarnating. Damn that seems complicated, best not to think about it.


    Prince Charming looks at me expectantly, almost hungrily. I can tell he needs approval of some sort, and I''d like to give it to him, I really would. However, I''m just not that great at praising people. Aside from a bump on the shoulder and a stern atta-boy. I don''t really have much experience making people feel worthy. I guess I''ll try my best. Thank you sir knight, I hope that I didn''t inconvenience you, I say. Think nothing of it dear citizen, it''s our job to clear out the vagabonds of the kingdom, he says. Come with me, we''ll escort you to the nearest city and recover your stolen goods from those bandits.


    Stolen goods, stolen goods. EUREKA. This guy thinks the bandits robbed me, that''s why I''m carring a shoddily blanket with bare belongings. He thinks they took all my shit. I tell him that hopefully they can recover my gold and if so, I''d be happy to repay them a good portion of it as thanks. He hastily agrees, and we set of on our way to the nearest city. Hopefully his knights recover "my" gold, and I have something to pay these gullible sacks with.

 On The Road Again

    It turns out that my saviors name is Sir Walter and he isn''t a bad guy. Sure he''s a little bit pompous, and a bit stuck up, and he''s always speaking in that holier than thou art kind of voice. But when you really get down to it. I hate him, I hate his fucking guts. I truly loathe this man, some would say I''m envious, and they are probably right. I mean he''s tall, handsome, strong, everything I want to be really. Other people would be able to get past this and realize that he''s a pretty cool guy. Not me, I''m not that big of a man.


    His men returned earlier, we''ve been on the road all day and it''s PAINFUL. Riding horses seems pretty cool in the movies, but in real life it''s downright painful. Sure, some of you would call me spoiled, and I would again have to agree with you. They recovered a fair amount of gold, and of course, I claimed a good portion of it for myself. I claimed 4 gold pieces and was nice enough to give the knights 1 of them. The knights all seem like pretty good chaps, but Sir Walter is a bit too preachy for me.


    He''s always giving me advice and trying to push me in the right direction. It was fine at first, but I''ve started repeating everything he''s said in an annoying whiny voice in my head. Place your foot in the stirrups by tipping your heels *mimes in head. Make sure to keep proper posture or you''ll hurt your back *mimes again*. DUCK, ARCHERS *mimes, wait, what*. Fuck me.Stolen from Royal Road, this story should be reported if encountered on Amazon.


    I jump right into action, and in the manliest way possible, I hit the dirt. Arrows are flying everywhere, but the armored knights seem to be brushing most of them off. Whoever decided to shoot at a bunch of armored knights seem to only be hitting the horses, almost as if they *something comes flying my way*. GET THE FUCK AWAY, I scream at the top of my lungs and bolt in the opposite direction, *BOOM*. Not a moment too soon either, as I suspected it was a bomb and it seems like most of the knights weren''t smart enough to get away. It''s just me, Walter, and a few stragglers. The rest of the men are torn apart by the explosion.


    As my ears start to ring I try to gather my thoughts. THINK THINK THINK. Fuck, it''s no use, the ringing in my ears is too intense, not to mention I''m still sore from my beating. I''ll just have to wing it. SCATTER, I scream. For once they seem to listen to me. 2 men head straight down the road, 2 head to the west, and me and Walter go east. Time to get the fuck out of dodge! Again.

 Death Before Dishonor

    Have you ever run away from a bunch of presumably crazed murderers? No? Well, I have, and I have to say, the second time around isn''t any better than the first. It isn''t made any better by having a companion strangely. Companions are generally a liability in most rpg''s. Ever play a game where the companion keeps getting in the way, or they just downright do something stupid like get you killed? That''s pretty much Sir Walter.


    As I sneak through the underbrush I decide it''s time to take stock of my situation. Fear of life? Check. Out of breath? Check. Still feeling like wrinkled dogshit left out in the sun for a bit too long? Check again. I think Status and the old familiar window pops up.


    Name: Justin Brown


    Level:5


    Experience: 1500/1603.125


    Age: 18


    Hp: 95/100


    Mp:415A case of content theft: this narrative is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.


    Att: 5


    Buff/Degen:Headache, Bruised


    Str: 10


    Per: 10


    End: 11(+1)


    Cha: 10


    Agi:30


    Luck: 10


    Res:6 (+1)


    Abilities: Experience x5, Mana manipulation (487/1000), Mana Crystallization (550/1000), Fire affinity (226/1000)


    Hmm, not much has changed really. Good, everything checks out, time to move on. Though I should think about dropping some dead weight. I have quite a few hundred pounds of metal and muscle that I should drop off at the local firestation. He likes to go by the name of Sir Walter, but I affectionately call him prince charming, well, only to myself.


    As I wrack my brain trying to figure out how to get rid of Sir Walter, we hear a bit of scuffle in the distance. My first instinct is to crouch down and play dead. Walter has other ideas. CHARGE, he screams. He immediately rushes headlong towards the sound without thinking of the danger. I''d like to say that I made a hasty retreat. I''d love to say I got the fuck out of there and never looked back. I''d also like to say that I was prom king and have a fourteen inch penis. Sadly, none of these things are true.


    I followed Sir Walter at a break-neck pace. Blame it on his charisma, or the adrenaline, either way I wasn''t myself. We soon found a few crossbowman, in position, looking in our direction, and looking quite ready for us. Have I mentioned how much I think companions are fucking stupid?

 Crossbowmen

    The crossbow is really a fantastic invention. You see the crossbow made training archers partially obsolete. You can never replace real archers though, a good archer can pull off two or three shots in the time it takes to reload a crossbow. Traditionally they have been used while firing in formation, a single crossbow in and of itself isn''t that deadly you see. The reload times on those things aren''t that great you see, one shot and then you are fucked.


    As Sir Walter and I stand there with out mouths agape, a FIRE rings out. I took this as my cue to do the noblest thing I could think of. Jump behind Walter and hope the arrows don''t get through the back half of his armor. *clang* *ting* *skiddlybop* Okay, I admit, the skiddlybop didn''t happen. But the rest of the sounds are real, honest.


    After the bolts stop I do a quick check, both arms, both legs, both eyes, both... things, and everything seems safe and unpierced. I should get the hell out of here, again I know this happens alot, stop judging me. Fuck they seem to notice me, uh, stall them. So guys, uh, now that you''ve killed the knights you won''t be needing me right? *silence* Well, maybe they aren''t talkers. Hmm, I really need to think my way out of this one. It''s at this moment I had an epiphany.This story has been stolen from Royal Road. If you read it on Amazon, please report it


    Bombs are pretty cool things. That''s why I made one, looking back if I had thought to use this thing earlier I could have kept Walter and his men alive. But I''m more of a forward thinking kind of guy, best not to look back on the past after all. While they seem to be silently reloading their crossbows, I slowly shuffle over to my where my bag fell while trying to get behind Walter. Alright, just grab the bomb, throw it, send a pulse of mana, and don''t look back. Ready, set, what the fuck?


    Suddenly Sir Walter, stands up, he doesn''t seem perturbed by the few bolts sticking out of his chest. He then charged the line of bowmen and started slashing them willy nilly. I was a bit surprised to say the least. However, I wasn''t as surprised as those crossbowmen, they were scared to death, literally.

 The Tale of Sir Walter

    Magic is complicated, sometimes the simplest of things can actually be much more difficult than you think. The problem lies in the fact that magic isn''t easy to control. Magic is a living force and it behaves erratically at the best of time. Mastering mana manipulation is the only way to make mana behave properly. It''s a bit like trying to manage a small child.


    Sir Walter, after dealing with the crossbowmen turns to me and says, I can explain. Sure, sure, just tell me exactly why you look like a pin cushion on legs? I respond. Well, it''s a long story, you see, I''m undead. I wait patiently for him to respond. One second goes by, then ten, then thirty. Well, go on then, finish your story I say. What, really? You are going to let me finish? SWEET, he responds.So began the tale of Sir Walter


    You see, I''m not actually a noble. I was born on a farm on the edge of the continent. Me, my mother, and my father lived there in peace for many a year. That came to an end though once the soldiers came. They were ravenous, feral. My father was their first victim. One day while he was supposed to be hunting he disappeared. After he was missing for a few days, my mother decided to go searching for them. I offered to join her, but someone had to watch after the farm. That is my greatest regret.


    After waiting for over a week and doing my best to keep the farm intact, they came. I was lucky you see, I was on the top of the hill watching for my mother and father to come through the woods. Well, they were coming back, but they didn''t come back alone. You guessed it, soldiers, lots of them. I could tell even from a distance that they were undead, but what could I do? In a fit of rage I grabbed my fathers spare bow and started picking them off. Mostly successfully too.


    Eventually only a few remained as they neared, my mother, my father, and the biggest burliest looking knight I had ever seen. I figured I could take mother and father, though father was imposing, he wasn''t armored like the rest of the nights. Looking back, I realize this was where I made a mistake. In a moment of desperation I grabbed the old sickle and cleaved through the undead knights helm. I didn''t watch behind me though and ma and da fell upon me with a fury. I kicked them off me without much effort, though I did get a few bites and scratches for my trouble.Support the creativity of authors by visiting Royal Road for this novel and more.


    While they were on the ground I went and got the shovel. If anyone was going to give them peace, it had to be me. So I smashed their heads in, dug them a grave under their favorite apple tree out back and went inside. There I fell into a slumber. I''m not sure how long I slept, but it must have been awhile as the sun had set.


    I awoke with a ravenous hunger, eating anything I could get my hands on. I even dug into the larder and ate the last bit of bacon, da''s favorite. It was not enough, I dug everything out of the garden and ate it whole, no peeling, no cleaning, I didn''t even wipe the dirt off. It was at this point that I knew something was wrong. I feared I was turning into one of these things, and couldn''t fathom bringing harm to anyone. So, out came the rope, when the sun rises I had decided I was going to hang myself from the apple tree. I wanted to be with ma and pa you see.


    I spent the whole night making a good noose. You see, nooses are normally only things you read about, they aren''t very practical in real life. Eventually I just made a slip not, moved the wheelbarrow over to the tree. Tied me a good-ish knot and kicked it out from underneath me. As you can imagine I didn''t die. Justin popped up, It was then that a passing wizard saved you right? Walter responded, what, no, are you daft? That kind of thing only happens in fairy-tales.


    I hung there, for a short bit. Then after realizing the the rope wasn''t going to kill me I decided I''d try a knife. But I had a hell of a time getting down from the tree I''ll tell you what. It took me almost an hour. Anyway, I tried a knife, and as you can guess from my pretty smile. It didn''t take. I left my childhood home, and set out hoping something could kill me. Some things happened, some private things, and I ended up here, full of holes.

 A Partnership

    Tanks are commonly mentioned in most rpg''s. They aren''t very versatile, they really only have two basic uses. Stop shit from getting fucked up, or fuck shit up, and if they are good, both. Tanks are most commonly used on the front lines in order to pull aggro from the enemy. Generally speaking, enemies find it hard to attack the little guy when there is a big hulking sum-bitch trying to stop them from doing just that. Think of them as kind of a melee based cock-block.


    At first I was surprised, then I was happy. I had a tank, my very own damage buffer. Someone who would be willing to put his life, err, lack of life, on the line for me. I think I like Sir Walter, he''s so kind and helpful. He did save me a few times after all. I can tell me and him are going to be good buddies. Sir Walter is indeed a good friend. (Yes, I know I changed my mind pretty quickly, but we all do it, don''t judge me!)


    After listening to Sir Walters story, a plan began forming in my mind. I think I can manipulate this big scary zombie to help me out a bit. Walter, I call out, would you mind accompanying me on my journey. Of course, he responds, it is my duty as a knight to help out my ward. That grinds my gears a bit, since when am I his ward? Am I fucking helpless all of a sudden. Alright, let''s be rational here.If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. Please report it.


    Sir Walter, have you consulted a mage about your little problem? Well, no, mages are pretty rare and I doubt I could afford paying one to help me. Fuck I think, are mages that rare? No wonder those fuckers kidnapped me. They saw a perfect opportunity to make a buck and I walked right into the trap like a dumbass. Anyway, back on point. Walter, I say, what if I told you that in return for your service, I, a mage, would be willing to help research your problem a bit?


    Walters eyes light up, suddenly he pounces, I rear up ready to defend myself from his attack. And he''s hugging me, this big bastard has his bloody body press against mine. Great, now I need a bath. I really should figure out water or cleansing magic or something. The plumbing in this world seems almost non-existent. Walter looks me dead in the eyes and proclaims, I Sir Walter, of the order of the dove, shall protect and aid you in all my capacity, so long as Ilive.


    Ignoring the contradictions in his statement. He''s not exactly alive now is he? I respond, in my most formal and reverent voice. Which is to say, semi-serious. I state that I, Justin, shall accept his servitude and that I will aid him to the best of my abilities. There is some more hugging, all of it initiated by Sir Walter of course, and then we shake hands and make a game plan.

 Dinner For Two

    Gold is love, gold is life. Gold is the backbone of every good rpg. You grind for hours or do dangerous quests. Then you gather your loot, sell off all the useless bits, and buy some better gear. Classic rpg''s make this a necessity, though I will admit there are some styles where loot isn''t that important. I guess it all comes down to how you wish to play the game. Personally, I like having spare gold, I like having enough spare gold that whenever there is a ridiculous request in game, for like 999999 gp or something, something the game doesn''t expect you to possibly be able to gather. I can plop that fat sack on the table and get access to some bonus quest/dialogue.


    In real life money is much more important. For instance, a mans gotta eat. Most rpg''s overlook food and use it mainly as a healing mechanism. The real world is a bit different though. Turns out, whatever world I''m in, I still feel hunger, and in order to appease that hunger, I need gold. I thought I had found a way to acquire gold using mana crystals. Turns out, that isn''t so viable, at least not in my current state. So, I''ve decided to go with the next best thing. Looting til my ass falls off.


    I instruct walter to help me gather all the crossbows and bolts. Milord, isn''t that a cowards weapon? A real knight uses magic and steel! He responds. I roll my eyes, and repeat my instructions. Justin, isn''t looting the dead unseemly? He asks yet again. I roll my eyes even harder this time. I calmly explain that they were trying to kill us, we don''t need to respect the dead in this scenario. But my lord, my honor as a knight forbids me from disturbing their rests. He states. I roll my eyes so hard that for a brief moment I think I saw the face of god. Walter, stop asking questions, pick up any carry-able loot, and get the fuck on! I loudly demand.You could be reading stolen content. Head to Royal Road for the genuine story.


    He does as instructed but I can tell he isn''t happy about it. I guess it''s a good thing that his happiness is secondary, or uh, tertiary even. We quickly gather what we can carry, which honestly isn''t alot. We each have two crossbows and about fourty or so bolts strong together. Sure I would have taken them all if I could, but speed is of the essence. In addition we also manage to loot a bit of gold from the them. Combined with what I had on me and what we looted, combined we now have 8 gold, 5 silver, and 3 copper. Not a bad haul if I do say so myself.


    We then set out back on the road. Good thing I have Walter, or I''d be completely fucking lost at this point. Here''s where the boring part comes in. We walk, and walk, and you get the idea. We walk all fucking day and decide to settle in just before the sun goes down. It was at this moment that I realized a fatal mistake. One that could truly be the bane of my existence.


    I have all this fucking loot but no food. The bandits didn''t have any on them, just weapons and their coinpurse''s. Fuck me, maybe Walter has some. Sir Walter, do you have some food on you? No my lord, I do not. Shit, alright, time to get creative here. Walter, go find us some food while I make a fire. Yes sir, right away milord. Yes, I know, I am quite the creative person. After I gather a few pieces of wood I start a small fire and settle down with my back against a tree, alert, ready, prepared.


    Time to just be patient and wait for Sir Walter to bring us something to eat. Hopefully he can find some tubers or something. Whatever, I don''t know, I grew up in the 21st century and he''s a farm boy. Whatever he finds will be decent I''m sure. Time to just sit back and wait on Walter. Yep, sit back, remain alert, relax. Totally relaxed, nice warm fire, calming energy. Relax, yes, relax and stay awake. Yes, certainly staying awake. Not falling asleep or anything.

 Unexpected Dinner Guests

    Dining has always had it''s place in culture as a social event. People from all around the world gather together to break bread and settle their differences. Whether you are gathered around the fire to share smores or gathered around to fuck whor- *ahem* spend time with ladies of the night.Drinks are a common staple at such events. The drink tends to vary from culture to culture, but the fact remains the same. People love an excuse to get drunk, eat some food, and party.


    As I slowly and reluctancly wake up, I turn towards what remains of the fire. Sir Walter is curled up next to it and out of the corner of my eye I catch some movement. Shit, looked like a person, alright, play it cool, moving quickly will only alert them. As I''m having this thought I feel something sharp poke me in the side. Well, fuck me, they know I''m awake and have taken actions to stop me from doing anything.


    A million thoughts rush through my head, my life doesn''t flash before my eyes or anything but close enough. Mainly I see all my dreams of killing and maiming bastards who''ve wronged me in the based go up in smoke. I curse myself for being so damn careless, fucking again. I should have made some many crystals and set up a barrier or something. Alright, first chance I get I''ll over-power this son of a bitch with his pointy stick and burn his god-damned face off.


    Stay quiet and come with me the a gruff voice says. Like a smart man I listen and slowly walk in the direction I''m prodded. Psst, you don''t have to poke me with that thing, I say. Hopefully I can disarm them with words and then with magic or something. My fire magic isn''t that impressive, but it burns up close. As I''m being prodded along I come up with a plan. Alright, it is pretty dark, lets try and fake them out. I''ll pretend to trip and on the way down I''ll make some fire and burn this asshole. Implementing plan now, I walk along for a bit making sure to drag my feet a bit, then I pretend to fall forward. On the way down I spin around, gather my mana, light the fire and get ready to burn this dumb thug and what? Huh, I wasn''t expecting tits or a pretty elven face. An elf, in the woods, makes sense.This story has been unlawfully obtained without the author''s consent. Report any appearances on Amazon.


    She seems as startled as I am, apparently magic really is rare here. At first she seems like she doesn''t know what to do and then she finally comes to a conclusion, unluckily for me. She quickly puts the spear she''s holding under my throat and says, keep going. Well, fuck me, plan A is out the window. Alright, lets see here taken by an attractive, big titted elf. I''m pretty sure I''ve had fantasies about this sort of thing. Though I doubt this will be anything like that. What to do now, ahh, yes, I know what I''ll do. I''ll annoy her to death, my specialty.


    So, where are we going? She responds by poking me in the ass with a spear. Alright, conversation isn''t on the table, or maybe she doesn''t speak the language very well. So, do you understand me? I ask. She pokes me in the ass with the spear again. Hmm, maybe I should try something else. I''m just going over my idea of throwing my bomb and making a barrier to protect myself, but the idea is flawed at best. I''ve never been that great under pressure and I''ve never made a barrier while on the move before. I never get the chance though, right as I''m trying to psyche myself up into blowing this big titted bitch to smithereens we reach our destination. Yay, a village, maybe they''ll give me a quick death at least. I mean, villages are semi-civilized right?

 Ancient Elven Wisdom

    This has to be the best kidnapping I''ve ever been a part of. If they had a medeival yelp I''d rate this 4/5 stars.I took a star off for them poking me with that spear on the way in, but everything else has just been top notch. They brought me in, told me to sit at a table and be quiet (yay they speak the language). Then they brought me some cooked rabbit and fruit and got down to interrogating me. If you could call it that. I certainly wouldn''t.


    They asked me a series of questions, what is my name, where I''m from, what spells I knew, if I planned on harming the village. All pretty basic stuff really, they didn''t tie me down or whip me or anything (though if that big titted blonde elf over there wanted to, I wouldn''t object). I got the impression they were more scared of me than I was of them. Maybe they thought I was holding back. Well, I was, but only about my origin, I''m not really sure whether people here are used to people from other worlds or something. If there is a prophecy though, I''m high-tailing the fuck out. Prophecies involve sacrifices and I''m not very selfless.


    After giving me the quick shake-down the first old looking elf I''d seen came forth. Up until this point they were pretty much big titted elven supermodels and Calvein Klein looking fellas all in the prime of their life. I assume this is their leader. If these are like elves from our lore then for all I know he could be a few thousand years old or something. This motherfucker right here could be Jesus''s uncle or something. No, not Jesus your gardener. *bathes in sjw tears*If you encounter this tale on Amazon, note that it''s taken without the author''s consent. Report it.


    I can tell this old man has wisdom far beyond what I could possibly imagine. This man has probably seen civilizations crumble and fall empires crumble into dust. Entire lineages wiped out in the sands of time. Leave us, he says to the elves in the room. They smoothly walk out of the room. I can''t help but glance at a few of the shapely elves hind-quarters. Shit, the old man is watching me be calm, prepare an apology if needed. I don''t need him striking me down with some ancient fire from narnia or some shit. This old man could probably beat me six ways to sunday with his dick in a vice.


    The old man looks me deep in my eyes. I can feel him boring into my soul. This is it, this is how I die, again. Justin is it? Yes, yes sir I respond. Good, good, now tell me boy. What do you think of the blonde ones ass, isn''t it just perfect? This sends me reeling. I''m not sure how to respond. Uh, it''s pretty nice I guess, I admit sheepishly. You guess? YOU GUESS, he roars. A man must have conviction on three things in his life! What to hunt, what to fight, and most importantly, WHAT TO FUCK! Huh, what? What''s going on here? Dear lord the elven sage is a pervert. I can work with this!

 A Tale of Two Morons

    Elves aren''t as stuck up as I''d thought they would be. Most of the elves I have read about or seen in lore have been snobs really. Every elf I''ve met so far has been pretty friendly so far though. This old pervert leader told me that he would be happy to sell me some foodstuff and return me to my friend. He was pretty damn hospitable and a fun guy to chat with. To be honest I wasn''t expecting such a fortunate turn of events. I have to say, elve''s are pretty good people in my book. Though I can''t help but shake the feeling that I''m forgetting something, oh well. I''m sure it isn''t that important.


    *cut to Walter*


    I awake and turn towards the fire. The fire is gone, along with it my new found companion. Did he leave me in the middle of the night in order to get rid of the undead? I don''t blame him, but it''s best not to assume, lets do some digging around and see what I can find.


    After searching for a few minutes I notice a pair of tracks heading into the woods. Repeat, a PAIR of tracks, that means Justin didn''t leave by himself. My guess would be that he was coerced, most likely taken hostage knowing his luck. At least I have something to go on here.


    Hellfire and damnation, just when I found a mage who might have been willing and able to look into my affliction. He''s snatched from my grasp before I''m even able to point him towards the mages guild. I guess I''ll have to go get him, by force most likely. Time to head out.


    *cut to Justin*


    Mmm, mmm. I have no idea what this fruit is called, but its fucking delicous. It looks kind of like a peach, but it tastes like a grape. I don''t ever want to leave this place. These elve''s are so friggin nice. First they give me food, then they sell me supplies, then more food. It''s almost like they are buttering me up for something. Naw, I''m just being paranoid. I''ve had enough bad luck for now, is it so hard to believe that I''ve finally hit a run of good luck?


    *cut to Walter*


    After following the trail for a few hours I found a village. The sentries posted look elven, but it''s hard to tell from this distance. It''s best if I stay hidden and survey the situation. If Justin was taken here, I''ll make sure to kill every last one of these barbarians.If you encounter this tale on Amazon, note that it''s taken without the author''s consent. Report it.


    *cut to Justin*


    (Holy music rains down from the heavens) Wait, no, that''s a hallucination. A bath, the elves have a friggin bath, complete with running water and heat. They even have SOAP, you heard me right, SOAP. I''m going to violate that soap. It''s going places only a cheap whore or loving wife would venture. *ding* Party member has received 500xp you have received 1/10, 5x bonus is being put into effect. *ding* 50xp gained.*ding* 50xp gained.*ding* 100xp gained. What, the hell is that all about? I don''t have any party members with me. Unless, shit I forgot about Walter. Shit, shit, shit. Oh well, he''s undead, what kind of trouble can he get into?


    *cut to Walter*


    Take that you elven harlot! I was circling the village when an archer shot me through my left thigh. It hurt, but it wasn''t unbearable. I immediately turn in the direction where the arrow came from and charge. Next thing I know two swordsman are upon me. They are quite agile people but they are no match for my training and brute strength. On my honor as I knight, I shall prevail. After taking care of the two swordsman the archer manages to peg me twice in my right arm. Damn, these elves are quick.


    Those shots will definitely slow me down, but I will prevail. I call the elf a harlot to throw her off her game and pull my dagger from my boots. A true fight is with the sword, but a dagger will do just as well in a pinch. I stab her twice in the chest and once in the head for good measure. Then I pull the arrows out of myself and wait a moment for the wound to seal up.


    That''s the most interesting thing about being the way I am. The wounds never heal, not exactly. They seal up and scar over, but it takes some time. It''s a bit like healing, but it doesn''t have the same feeling really. I don''t bleed, it just kind of oozes out these days.


    *Back to Justin*


    So Gerend I say to the sage *he told me his name while we were eating fruit together*, I may have forgotten to tell you something pretty important. Oh, he says, I''m sure it isn''t too bad, but just to be safe, tell me anyway. Well, I may or may not have had another party member. They may or may not think I was kidnapped, which I kind of was. Also they may or may not be an unstoppable, semi-immortal killing machine.


    Gerend takes a moment to process everything I''ve told him. Then he calmly walks outside, says something to the elf standing outside the door, and comes back inside. So, I don''t think this will be too big of a problem. I''ll simply send a few sentries out to look for him and bring him here so he can see that you are safe and sound. Great, I respond, I was worried that he had gotten into trouble for a minute there.


    Don''t trouble yourself with this my friend. You are an honored guest and should be relaxing, please be at ease, everything shall be taken care of. He makes me feel a bit better, but I can''t help but shake the feeling that he''s wrong abou this. Oh well, I guess I''ll trust him, he didn''t get to be an old man by having bad judgement I guess. I''ll just head to bed and sleep on it.

 Im unexpectedly busy

    *filler*TittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTittiesTitties*filler*Stolen story; please report.