ã€ŠGilded Roseã€‹


 The Hero We Need

    The spell was, hypothetically, simple. In an infinitely vast multiverse there are, hypothetically, infinite amounts of everything. The spell had no shortage of potential candidates to choose from.

    It was tasked with finding the hero most likely to save its world. It did not stop to consider any other parameter.

    The candidate was: Will Terronson, twenty-seven. Will worked at a hobby shop, and he liked it well enough. He had a rent-controlled apartment, and he was taking online biology courses. He was thinking about going back to school and becoming an ecologist. He would not describe himself as particularly in need of change.

    <hr>

    Will found himself awake somewhere other than his familiar pull-out couch. He didn¡¯t immediately jump up, and instead took a moment to assess his surroundings.

    From what he could see laying down, the room was one of the fancy, filigree bedrooms old mansions had. There was a circular table off to one side where three men sat bickering. They hadn¡¯t noticed him waking up yet.

    ¡°I¡¯m telling you, this is our best bet,¡± said one, who was wearing a vest that made him look a bit like a waiter. His ears were the wrong shape, pointed like an elf¡¯s. He was also wearing a headband or something which gave him horns, or perhaps short antlers. He was also short, so short that he was standing on his chair instead of sitting on it. Will was willing to consider that he was a human until he saw a snaking tail lash behind him. Maybe he wasn¡¯t wearing a headband.

    ¡°Your spell hasn¡¯t worked the past three times,¡± another said. He was also obviously not human, and larger than whoever the table had been built for, with dark blue skin and what looked like scales instead of body hair. He was wearing an intricate loincloth and nothing else. ¡°The last bozos we tried were tainted within the week.¡±

    ¡°He¡¯s awake,¡± the third one said. He was¡­ the closest comparison Will could draw was an angel, but with no head. His skin was sky-blue and looked rather like porcelain. What appeared to be a single stylized eye floated above his shoulders, with a floating, spiked halo ringing it. Empty space closed around the single eye like an eyelid, and his wings curled around him like a cloak. ¡°Why don¡¯t we ask him how he feels?¡±

    The other two impossible creatures turned around to face Will.

    ¡°Erm, good morning,¡± the one in the vest said. ¡°I imagine you must be pretty confused. Dio*, do you have the pamphlet?¡±

    ¡°No,¡± said the big one. ¡°It¡¯s stupid anyways.¡±

    ¡°What¡¯s going on?¡± Asked Will, crawling out of bed. It was then that he learned two important things; one, he no longer had feet, instead having hooves and furry, oddly tilted legs; and two, he was not wearing any clothes.

    Will didn¡¯t say anything as he tried to figure out what he wanted to ask first.

    ¡°You are here to save our world,¡± said the maybe-angel, interrupting Will¡¯s internal monologue. ¡°No pressure.¡±

    The short waiter sighed. ¡°Give the poor man a minute. One step at a time.¡±

    The tall one apparently named Dio barked an ugly laugh. ¡°And I suppose the taint will just take the week off as we give this one a training montage?¡±

    ¡°He is unused to exposure. He finds it indecent and embarrassing. I will provide an outfit.¡± The angel reached a hand into a slice of empty space and appeared next to Will, now holding a bundle of clothes. Too surprised to complain, Will took them.

    The three weirdos stared at Will in anticipation.

    ¡°He desires privacy. I will stop voicing his thoughts aloud.¡± said the angel. He pulled the same wormhole trick again, but with a standing curtain, cutting off Will¡¯s line of sight.

    Will quickly put on the outfit the angel had handed (it had something like a kilt instead of pants and underwear, which was probably a good thing when he didn¡¯t know how his legs worked), considered what he should do with his life, and sighed. ¡°Okay, I¡¯m dressed. Explain what¡¯s going on.¡±

    The curtain vanished. The three men at the table said nothing, as if waiting for the others to speak first.

    ¡°I am Glorious Purpose, servant of the divine light, though you may call me Glory,¡± ventured the angel after another moment. ¡°Pleased to make your acquaintance, O savior of our world.¡±

    This story has been stolen from Royal Road. If you read it on Amazon, please report it

    ¡°My mortal companion, Virgil, cast an extremely powerful spell to call you here from earth. We are in an alternate¡­ dimension is too limiting. Universe is closer, or maybe ¡®genre¡¯. We desperately need your help, and I¡¯m sorry for the inconvenience.¡±

    Will wasn¡¯t sure what to say. He wanted to disbelieve what was going on, to rationalize this as some kind of hallucination, but he knew he wasn¡¯t dreaming. He focused on the concrete details. ¡°You used some kind of dimension magic to kidnap me?¡±

    Glory forced an apologetic smile, which is difficult without a face. ¡°Not out of malice. We¡¯re desperate. Again, I¡¯m sorry to drag you into this.¡±

    ¡°You kidnapped me.¡±

    ¡°Yes,¡± said Glory, still smiling. ¡°I cannot stress enough that this is a very difficult decision for us. If the circumstances were anything less than apocalyptically dire I would not have approved of this approach.¡±

    ¡°And I¡¯m not the first one you¡¯ve done this to,¡± Will continued. ¡°The others were killed by something called the ¡®taint.¡¯¡±

    ¡°Technically not killed. Permanently, at least.¡± Glory corrected. ¡°But that¡¯s an unimportant distinction. I will explain why the situation is so dire:

    ¡°This world has rules. Laws of physics, reality, and convention. One of the central ones is that death is impermanent. Souls that come here tend to stay unless forced out, and instead of passing on, they reincarnate.¡°Normally, this form of respawning is a sort of metaphysical reset, returning you to your baseline state. Permanent injuries that persist through this process do exist, but that¡¯s a digression.

    ¡°What has changed is that recently, respawning has not been perfect. It¡¯s¡­ subtle but adds up over time. The being returned to life is slightly physically altered, slightly more impulsive, slightly less sociable, and slightly more instinct-driven.

    ¡°Eventually, after enough deaths they may be manic and destructive, and then no longer safe to interact with, and they, too, can spread the malaise even faster. We call this the ¡®taint¡¯, and if not stopped it will consume everyone.

    ¡°Tainted souls are as far as we know anchored here and can¡¯t leave, but we don¡¯t know why or what we could do if one managed to find its way out of the system.¡±

    Having delivered this spiel, Glory leaned back in his chair. ¡°We¡¯ve used powerful magic to bring outsiders here because with no taint and outside context you¡¯re most qualified for the job of hero.¡±

    Will say back down on his bed, processing this information. He spent several minutes in silence.

    ¡°Can you send me back?¡± He asked.

    ¡°Of course,¡± Glory said reassuringly. ¡°We¡¯ve spent a lot getting you here, and I won¡¯t burden you with covering that, but the return spell is equally expensive."

    ¡°I offer you this deal: If you help us secure the necessary components for the spell, we will give you a chance to go home, or to stay and save this world.¡±

    ¡°This is coercion,¡± Will said flatly. ¡°I¡¯m not really getting a choice here.¡±

    Glory was still smiling. ¡°No, not really. I¡¯m sorry.¡±

    ¡°This is insane,¡± Will sighed, choosing his next words carefully. ¡°You¡¯re really desperate enough to¡­ pull random people here?¡±

    ¡°Not random,¡± Virgil said. ¡°The spell was very specific in that it would find the candidate most likely to save the world.¡±

    ¡°And that¡¯s me? You guys are fucked.¡± Will laughed, then abruptly stopped. ¡°I¡¯m really your last shot, aren¡¯t I?¡±

    ¡°Pretty much,¡± said Dio. ¡°No pressure, though,¡± he said, mimicking Glory.

    Virgil shot him a look. ¡°We¡¯re running out of options, yes. After sending you back we¡¯ll be out of chances to pull someone here. That¡¯s our best shot, but not our only one.¡±

    Will tried to look at the bigger picture. If this place really was in that much danger, there were lots of innocent people involved who didn''t kidnap him. ¡°I¡¯ll go with you and acquire whatever the spell needs.¡±

    ¡°So you¡¯ll help?¡± Glory asked.

    ¡°With the return spell," Will repeated tersely. "After that I can¡¯t promise anything.¡±

    Glory was still, in fact, smiling, but now it was genuine. ¡°Okay. We¡¯re going to need to get you ready for the outside world. The blacksmith should be close to ready.¡±

    Virgil and Dio stood up. Glory vanished through a wormhole, and a pin on Virgil¡¯s vest flashed a pearlescent white.

    ¡°Follow me,¡± said Virgil. ¡°Dio has other business to attend to. Right, Dio?¡±

    Dio harrumphed, but didn¡¯t protest further as he left. He had to duck to avoid hitting the doorway.

    Will got to his feet¡ªor hooves, now¡ªand tried to step forward. His balance was different, now, too, his legs bending at unfamiliar angles.

    Virgil tried to step forward to assist but was brushed off. Will, who was leaning against a bookshelf, made a little annoyed noise.

    ¡°I just need a minute,¡± Will said. ¡°Not used to walking on horse legs.¡±

    ¡°Goat,¡± said Virgil.

    ¡°Pardon?¡±

    ¡°Goat legs. You¡¯re a satyr. Satyrs have goat legs.¡±

    ¡°Right. Okay. Sure. That makes sense.¡± Will said, pushing away from the wall. He managed to hold himself upright and take a few steps forward. ¡°Let¡¯s get a move on.¡±

    <hr>

    *Pronounced like in Diorama

 The Hero Who Doesnt Deserve This

    Virgil and Will walked out into a central courtyard, which was wildly overgrown with ornamental and edible plants.

    ¡°This is my family¡¯s estate,¡± said Virgil. ¡°Our little outfit is using it as a base of operations.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m not in the mood for personal details, no offense,¡± Will said tersely. He paused, looking down at an outgrowing bush.

    ¡°Why does this place have hydrangeas? And those are pea plants, right? Those are old world vegetables. How do you have these if we¡¯re not on earth?¡±

    Virgil shrugged. ¡°We have to have a lot in common, cosmically, to talk and breathe the same air and so on. There¡¯s a reason the spell didn¡¯t try to grab a sentient shade of magenta.¡±

    ¡°Right,¡± said Will. He found the explanation inadequate, but wasn¡¯t sure how to ask for a better one.

    ¡°It might help to think of these as concepts on a deeper level of reality than you and I can see,¡± said Virgil with no prompting. ¡°The soul of a pea plant is not a complex thing, but it still exists and still has needs, and may still adapt to its environment.

    ¡°It grows here and on your earth more or less identically, but in less familiar universes it may glow or grow only on a certain color or not be a plant at all.¡±

    Will pulled a flower off of a shrub and examined it. ¡°So, the plants have souls as well? It¡¯s not just people?¡±

    ¡°Everything has a soul in the most basic term. Most are even simpler than the pea plant¡¯s; they simply appear, manifest as an object, and exist until they can¡¯t.¡±

    Will hummed, storing that away for later. ¡°The taint. Tell me about it. Does it affect plants? Bacteria? Do you know about bacteria?¡±

    ¡°The food is safe, if that¡¯s what you¡¯re asking.¡± Virgil said, ¡°As far as we can tell, only intelligent creatures can carry or spread the taint.¡±

    Virgil paused. ¡°I also do know what bacteria are. I don¡¯t know why you think I wouldn¡¯t.¡±

    Will dropped the flower and gestured to nothing in particular. ¡°This place seems pretty medieval fantasy to me. Dungeons and Dragons type of motley. That big guy was wearing a loincloth. We¡¯re going to see a blacksmith. I¡¯m a satyr.¡±

    ¡°Good, that saves a step of explanation at least.¡± Virgil said, ignoring the bite of Will¡¯s tone. ¡°Whatever this place looks like to you, we¡¯re a real world, not a game. Science advances, the balance of power shifts, heroes rise and fall, the world turns. Life goes on, apocalypse or no.¡± He reached into empty space, like Glory had, and pulled out a fuzzy dandelion.

    ¡°You can do Glory¡¯s little wormhole trick, too?¡± Will asked.

    ¡°Only when he¡¯s inside me,¡± Virgil said. He handed the dandelion to Will, who was too surprised to refuse. ¡°Hold onto that, please.¡±

    ¡°Explain the satyr part, please.¡± Will said impatiently. ¡°It¡¯s like the pea plant, I guess?¡±

    ¡°Sort of, but not really. When a soul moves naturally, it¡¯s more or less washed clean of all but its most basal characteristics; you wouldn¡¯t remember ever being someone else somewhere else. Using magic bypasses that process, so you retain your personality, but it¡¯s still not perfect. Your body is a reconstruction based on what the spell could piece together.¡±

    ¡°Fascinating and existentially terrifying, thanks. But why a satyr, specifically.¡±

    ¡°No clue,¡± Virgil said, shrugging. ¡°That¡¯s just how magic is sometimes. I think it suits you.¡±

    There was the sound of a hammer striking an anvil, and what sounded like the chime of a large bell.

    ¡°Back to the topic of blacksmiths,¡± Virgil said excitedly, ¡°I think you¡¯ll enjoy this.¡±

    The forge was open-air, facing a pine forest. The blacksmith was a stout man, in a thick leather apron and very little else, with lavender skin and small horns peeking out from his short, thick hair.

    He was sitting in one corner, sweating profusely and pouring a jug of water over himself. The forge was as hot as Will had expected, but he hadn¡¯t realized how dry the air would feel.

    ¡°What is that?¡± Will asked, looking at what the blacksmith had been hammering; a glowing, white sphere about the size of a basketball.

    ¡°Unrealized potential,¡± Virgil said. ¡°Very fresh, very high quality.¡±

    ¡°As in, the abstract quality?¡±

    ¡°Yes,¡± Virgil said. ¡°Well, not abstract anymore, as you can see.¡±

    ¡°Alright,¡± Will said. He decided he didn¡¯t want to ask how right now. ¡°What does it do?¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s sort of hard to explain in words,¡± Virgil said. ¡°But it¡¯s very easy to use. Anyone can fire a bow. With enough practice, anyone can forge weapons. Potential provides a shortcut, and increases the maximum efficacy of that activity to beyond what a normal human could do-¡±

    ¡°So like picking a class in an RPG?¡± Will interrupted.

    You could be reading stolen content. Head to Royal Road for the genuine story.

    ¡°Yes,¡± Virgil said flatly. ¡°If you want to put it like that.¡±

    ¡°Alright. What¡¯s the party composition like?¡±

    ¡°Pardon?¡± Virgil asked.

    ¡°You and your little¡­ outfit here. What¡¯s everyone doing?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m a summoner,¡± Virgil said. ¡°Dio is a druid. Rex is the blacksmith, which is a frontline, martial class. Glorious Purpose isn¡¯t much of a damage-dealer, but he¡¯s much tougher than he looks.¡±

    ¡°So, it looks like you¡¯re low on range,¡± Will said thoughtfully. ¡°Would you rather have more magic, or something like an archer?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯d want you to pick whatever class you¡¯re most comfortable with,¡± Virgil supplied. ¡°We can figure out our strategy later.¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s only the fate of the world,¡± Will chided. ¡°No pressure.¡±

    Virgil flattened. ¡°Fine. More magic wouldn¡¯t hurt, I think. When you¡¯re ready, hold the stem of the flower with one hand, and gently squeeze the ball with the other.¡±

    Will stepped forward and pressed his palm against the top of the orb.

    He found himself floating in a white void, which dimmed to blue. He felt disconnected from his body, as if he were floating through nothingness. A menu popped up in front of him, listing what were presumably the classes. Will scrolled quickly through, hundreds flashing by, then paused. He was only halfway through the ¡®B¡¯s. How many were there?

    He went back to the top and began giving each a deeper look. He really needed to be thorough.

    ¡°Hello,¡± said a voice from behind him, though behind barely meant anything. Glorious Purpose stepped into view and outstretched a hand. Without thinking, Will took it, and found himself again in his body. ¡°I came to check on your progress.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m doing fine, thanks. I can pick for myself.¡±

    ¡°You haven¡¯t for the past three hours,¡± said Glory. ¡°Virgil is worried sick.¡±

    ¡°Hm,¡± said Will quietly. He didn¡¯t want to admit to himself that that made him feel slightly guilty. ¡°Fine, help me.¡±

    ¡°Very well,¡± said Glory. ¡°Let¡¯s play a card game.¡±

    The scene shifted, and Will and Glory were sitting across from each other on a cloth-covered table. Glory was shuffling a deck of cards, and drew three of them.

    ¡°Virgil said you were thinking about high-damage mages, so we¡¯ll start there.¡±

    ¡°Can¡¯t you just help me pick from a list?¡± Will asked.

    ¡°The full list is thousands of classes long, as you¡¯ve probably noticed.¡± Glory said, setting the cards face-up on the table. ¡°We¡¯re narrowing it down.¡±

    ¡°Pick a card, any card,¡± Glory said merrily.

    Will pointed to one with a purple squiggle.

    Glory nodded, shuffled the cards back in, and drew three new ones. This time, three different dragons in different colors. Will picked the silver one, and Glory nodded, shuffled the cards back in, and drew three new ones. This process continued for some time, until eventually, Glory drew three cards that all displayed the same icon; the grim reaper surrounded by a pack of dog-masked spirits.

    ¡°Hm,¡± Glory said flatly. ¡°I can¡¯t say ¡®you don¡¯t want this class¡¯, because that will make you want it more.¡±

    ¡°It does,¡± Will agreed.

    ¡°This is the soulmaster. It has a mastery over life and death, using the souls of its friends and foes to inflict terrible damage. It requires a lot of trust and respect for the limits of their companions and themselves.¡±

    ¡°What¡¯s the catch?¡± Will asked.

    ¡°It will kill you,¡± Glory said calmly. ¡°Completely. No respawning. Cessation of existence, total and final.¡±

    ¡°When?¡± Will asked.

    ¡°The soulmaster¡¯s most powerful abilities require entering an empowered state, which offers superhuman magical skill. This state is incredibly risky to enter, though, because if killed during it, you won¡¯t come back. It is a niche class for a reason.¡±

    Will considered this. ¡°I think that¡¯s a workable issue.¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t,¡± said Glory. ¡°We have too much riding on you as-is. Plus, you¡¯re right; it was unfair of us to pull you here to solve our problem. I can¡¯t in good conscience let you die for it.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯ll be honest; I don¡¯t plan on spending a second longer here than I have to. If this is the fastest way to get my ticket home, I¡¯m okay with that risk. Besides, I just won¡¯t put myself at risk of actually dying if I don¡¯t have to. I can handle it.¡±

    ¡°I know you can,¡± said Glory, sighing. ¡°And I know there¡¯s no way I¡¯m going to change your mind. Fine.¡±

    Glory snapped a finger, and the scene vanished.

    ¡°Right.¡± Will said. ¡°Okay. What else do we have to decide on?¡±

    ¡°For now, not much. Perhaps your uniform?¡± Glory asked while he prepared another illusion, ¡°I think you¡¯d look nice in-¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t care, I¡¯ve been here for hours. Give me the default.¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t think-¡±

    ¡°Just give it!¡± Will snapped, and yet again everything went white.

    Will came to in the forge. His hand was still on the orb, which was now a dull chrome. The forge was cooler now, the furnace reduced to embers. It had gotten dark, and a bit breezy.

    Virgil snapped awake, having fallen asleep waiting. ¡°Oh thank the gods you¡¯re alright,¡± he said. ¡°I was worried sick.¡±

    The blacksmith wolf-whistled. Will looked down, feeling the texture of his new clothes.

    ¡°Why am I wearing a harness?¡± he asked, partially to Glory but mostly to the indifferent and cruel universe at large.

    Glory appeared from Virgil¡¯s pin. ¡°You wanted the default,¡± he said, very diplomatically.

    ¡°Great,¡± Will said, pinching the bridge of his nose, ¡°Follow-up question: why is the default soulmaster uniform a leather harness?¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s a leather jacket as well,¡± said Glory helpfully. ¡°It also includes a hat.¡±

    Will reached up and pulled the hat off of his head. He felt two bony horns growing out of his head, but decided to be upset about that later. The Muir cap was also leather, with a horned skull insignia on the front.

    Will frowned down at it, turning it over as if it might be radioactive.

    ¡°It¡¯s the way of the genre,¡± Virgil said, both apologetically and as an excuse. ¡°Just how things work around here.¡±

    ¡°What part of a medieval fantasy kitchen sink includes leather daddy necromancers?"

    ¡°I believe there¡¯s been a misunderstanding,¡± said Glorious Purpose, who had been aware of and planning around the misunderstanding the entire time. ¡°You¡¯re not in a medieval fantasy kitchen sink. You¡¯re in a gay porn parody of a medieval fantasy kitchen sink.¡±

 The Firefly is a Metaphor (For Fireflies)

    Will and three of his deeply apologetic kidnappers were walking the forested path that led from Virgil¡¯s estate into town. One of his deeply apologetic kidnappers was instead floating about a foot off of the ground, and another was playing the harmonica as he walked.

    ¡°Explain to me,¡± said Will, who was still getting used to digitigrade feet, ¡°Why we¡¯re going into town?¡±

    ¡°We need you geared up and to start a formal quest for the return spell¡¯s ingredients,¡± Virgil said.

    ¡°A quest?¡± Will asked. ¡°What¡¯s stopping us from just going and getting it?¡±

    ¡°Nothing, technically,¡± Virgil said, ¡°But we wouldn¡¯t get paid for doing it.¡±

    Will hummed. ¡°Okay, that makes about as much sense as anything else.¡± He paused and looked to the side of the road, where fireflies were blinking in the encroaching night.

    Virgil turned to look back at him. ¡°Are you alright? Is this about the pea plants again?¡±

    Will shook his head. ¡°No. Well, maybe. I just¡­ haven¡¯t seen live fireflies in a long time. Since I was a kid, I think.¡±

    ¡°Did you miss them?¡±

    ¡°I didn¡¯t think I did.¡±

    ¡°We should take five,¡± said Glorious Purpose, who planted his feet on solid ground and did an upward stretch. ¡°It is a bit of a hike.¡±

    Will sat cross-legged on the side of the road, watching the fireflies. Virgil sat down next to him, his attention split.

    ¡°Looks a lot like Photinus pyralis, the big dipper firefly,¡± Will said, studying the way they moved.

    ¡°Big dipper?¡± Virgil asked.

    ¡°It¡¯s a constellation where I¡¯m from,¡± Will said. ¡°Supposedly looks like a spoon. See how the firefly moves in a curved path as it lights up? Close enough, I guess.¡±

    ¡°Why do they light up like that?¡± Virgil asked, though he already knew the answer.

    ¡°To attract mates,¡± Will said excitedly. ¡°The males are advertising to females in the grass. See how there¡¯s flashes on the ground, as well? They¡¯re responding to the males¡¯ advances. If you mimic their flashes, you can attract them too.¡±

    Virgil smiles, and a lavender light flickered onto his index finger. He studied the blinking for another moment, and started copying it. A firefly landed on his hand, crawled around for a moment, and took off again.

    ¡°That¡¯s amazing! I didn¡¯t know that,¡± he said, which this time was true. ¡°Thank you.¡±

    ¡°What¡¯s really cool is that we aren¡¯t the only copycats. Other fireflies in the genus Photuris mimic the flashes as well, but kill and eat any males who approach, like tiny little succubi.¡±

    ¡°What¡¯s a succ-¡± Virgil attempted to ask, before Rex clapped his hands loudly beside him.

    Rex signed something fairly involved. Will didn¡¯t understand very much ASL, but he recognized his own name.

    ¡°No.¡± Said Glorious Purpose firmly from a short distance away, though he hadn¡¯t been looking in their direction. ¡°Not right now at least.¡±

    ¡°You can understand him?¡± Will asked, turning to the angel.

    ¡°Well, I can read minds,¡± said Glory. ¡°But yes, I can understand American sign language.¡±

    ¡°What did he say?¡±

    ¡°Nothing important,¡± Glory said.

    Rex scowled and held up his middle finger, but cracked a smile.

    Glorious Purpose sighed and pinched his nonexistent nose. ¡°No, sorry, you¡¯re right. It was important but not your concern.¡±

    Will hardened. ¡°You brought me here against my will and forced me into your doomsday situation. Please don¡¯t make this more awkward than it already is.¡±

    ¡°Fine,¡± Glory said. ¡°It was a sex thing. I didn¡¯t want to remind you of that. I know you¡¯re not here for it.¡±

    Will turned to Rex, who gave him a bemused wink. The metal he had used for the harmonica was reshaped into a bell, which he rang thrice.

    ¡°Okay, break over,¡± Will said, getting to his feet with only a minor stumble. ¡°Let¡¯s just get this over with.¡±

    Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.

    Will left in a huff as Rex and Virgil picked their things back up. Glorious Purpose flew after Will.

    Glory appeared over Will''s shoulder. ¡°It wasn¡¯t a catcall or anything,¡± he said, which was technically true. ¡°If that¡¯s what upset you.¡±

    Will trudged without responding for a moment. ¡°I¡¯m not going to faint at the thought of sex, you know. Don¡¯t hide it, that just makes it worse.¡±

    ¡°Right.¡± Said Glorious Purpose. ¡°Apologies.¡±

    ¡°I have a girlfriend. Well, maybe more of a roommate now. Things are complicated. Things are more complicated now that I¡¯ve dropped off the face of the earth.¡± Will growled flatly, and kicked a small rock, which went much further than he had anticipated. ¡°Why am I even telling you this?¡±

    ¡°Because I will listen,¡± said Glory.

    Will harrumphed. ¡°Whatever. Point is, you don¡¯t need to baby me.¡±

    ¡°I will refrain from doing so in the future.¡±

    ¡°And why does Rex know ASL? How do you know what America means?¡±

    ¡°Well, you think of it as ASL and what we¡¯re speaking right now as English, which I know because I can read your mind. Here it¡¯s known as common and signed common.¡±

    ¡°And English and common are the same? Is it some sort of translation system? Was my brain rewired?¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s magic, Will. It¡¯s best not to crack open how it works and just appreciate that it does.¡±

    Will asked something that had been on his mind for a bit. ¡°Why doesn¡¯t Rex use magic to talk?¡±

    Glorious Purpose gave Will an odd look. ¡°He uses that bit of silver to make sounds, you¡¯ve heard him.¡±

    ¡°But why? Surely he could¡ª¡°

    ¡°You mean, ¡®why doesn¡¯t he use magic to give himself a speaking voice?¡¯¡±

    ¡°Yeah, is there some kind of bonus to make up for it? Some games¡ª¡±

    ¡°This isn¡¯t a game, Will.¡± Glorious Purpose said sharply. ¡°And Rex is fine being mute. That¡¯s all there is to it.¡±

    Will thought about that for a moment. ¡°Right. Sorry. Really.¡±

    ¡°I know you meant well.¡± Glory said quietly.

    ¡°Stop reading my mind.¡±

    ¡°Believe me, I would love to stop reading minds. Can barely hear myself think half the time.¡±

    Will actually snorted, which was the first time he¡¯d non-ironically laughed in quite a while. ¡°This is stupid. All of this is so fucking stupid.¡±

    ¡°And yet you¡¯re thinking about staying.¡±

    Will narrowed his eyes slightly. ¡°I just said to stop.¡±

    ¡°And I just said I can¡¯t. No use pretending, right?¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s not like I¡¯ve made up my mind,¡± Will balked.

    ¡°That is true,¡± Glory said. ¡°But you¡¯re considering it.¡±

    ¡°Fine, yeah. I am considering it.¡±

    ¡°Why?¡±

    Will rolled his eyes. ¡°You can read my mind.¡±

    Glory smiled. ¡°But you can¡¯t read your own. Vocalize your rationalizations.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯d feel guilty if I left you all to die.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m sure you would.¡±

    ¡°And I can¡¯t just¡­ leave everyone else who didn¡¯t kidnap me.¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s true, they didn¡¯t.¡±

    ¡°I¡­I don¡¯t know. You really seem to believe in me, I guess?¡±

    ¡°I do believe in you,¡± Glory said, smiling confidently. ¡°Virgil¡¯s spell is perfectly designed.¡±

    ¡°Mmph, righ," Will said flatly. "The spell. The spell that failed twice before.¡±

    ¡°Third time¡¯s the charm. The parameters were different, this time they¡¯re perfect.¡±

    ¡°You seem¡­ concerned, for my well-being. I don¡¯t think most extradimensional kidnappers would¡¯ve been this nice about it.¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s possible,¡± Glory said coyly.

    ¡°You sound like you¡¯re trying to coax something out of me.¡±

    ¡°I am.¡±

    ¡°Fine. I don¡¯t know¡­ I¡¯m morbidly curious about what this place is actually like.¡±

    ¡°Getting warmer.¡±

    ¡°Fuck, Glory, I don¡¯t know. You¡¯re endearing. Virgil is endearing. I don¡¯t want to disappoint him cause it looks like he¡¯s put everything on me.¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s a correct assumption, though he¡¯d never admit it. He also finds you very attractive,¡± Glory said.

    Will tensed like he''d just been slapped. ¡°I didn¡¯t need to know that.¡±

    ¡°If you didn¡¯t, I wouldn¡¯t have told you.¡±

    ¡°Don¡¯t play matchmaker with me. I¡¯m not gay, and no matter what happens I¡¯m not planning on sticking around long-term.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m aware.¡±

    ¡°Then what¡¯s the goddamn point?¡±

    ¡°Mortals always think there¡¯s a point to the truth,¡± Glory began. ¡°Sometimes there is, and sometimes there isn¡¯t. The universe is chaotic and unpredictable. Focus on what you can know, and what you can learn from it.¡±

    ¡°This is going nowhere.¡±

    ¡°Virgil is a good man, but he exists very much in his own head.¡± Glory said. ¡°I¡¯ve done what I can to coax him out of his shell, but I think your companionship would do much for his self-confidence. He''s already been uncharacteristically forward with you.¡±

    Will tilted his head, ears flopping slightly. ¡°You¡¯re working on fostering his interpersonal skills while the world is ending?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m an angel," Glory said with a monocular wink. "Fostering personal growth is the purpose of my existence.¡±

 The Fight is a Metaphor (For Sex)

    The town, which Virgil helpfully informed Will was called ¡°King¡¯s Hollow,¡± wasn¡¯t busy when Will and his companions arrived. Lamps lining the central road gave off orange light, giving the cobblestone streets a warm, oddly familiar look.

    It was also deserted, at least to Will¡¯s eyes. The lack of cars was obvious enough, but nobody at all on the streets was surprising, too.

    ¡°Where is everyone?¡± Asked Will.

    ¡°At home relaxing, mostly. It¡¯s fairly unusual to be up this late,¡± said Virgil.

    ¡°It¡¯s like six or seven, right?¡± Asked Will, scanning the fading sunset.

    ¡°Seven twenty-three,¡± Glory provided. ¡°We sleep and wake earlier than you are used to.¡±

    ¡°And the weapon shop or whatever will still be open?¡±

    ¡°Certainly!¡± Virgil said somewhat proudly, ¡°Our preferred supply outlet is open twenty-four seven.¡±

    This supply outlet turned out to be a dark storefront illuminated by surprisingly intense red lights.

    ¡°Are those electric?¡± Will asked.

    ¡°Indeed," said Glory. "They¡¯re increasingly popular in cities and in the homes of people with no taste.¡±

    Though Glory would never admit it, electric lights made his giant, lidless eye water.

    ¡°Huh, neat,¡± said Will. ¡°What¡¯s the power source?¡±

    ¡°Here, as in most places, it¡¯s geothermal. Our estate taps into part of the underground network, but the whole thing is quite extensive.¡±

    ¡°No coal?¡±

    Glorious Purpose cocked the object that passed for his head. ¡°Of course not. Why would we do that? Only very specific, enclosed venues want the air clogged with smoke.¡±

    Will thought about arguing the point, realized Glory would be able to tell that he was, and consequently decided to drop the issue. ¡°Can we just go inside? It¡¯s a bit cold and this jacket doesn¡¯t retain heat.¡±

    ¡°Sure,¡± said Virgil. He looked over at Will, who was currently bare-chested except for his uniform harness. To himself, he thought many things, the most PG-13 of which was: ¡°Anything to keep you from putting a shirt on.¡±

    The shop was also dimly lit, but more warmly, like a bonfire at sunset. The only person inside was what looked like a big white-furred bat in thick overalls sitting at the counter, who perked up when he noticed customers.

    ¡°If it isn¡¯t my favorite customers!¡± He said, grinning. Will hadn¡¯t realized bats could grin. ¡°What are you all doing up so late?¡±

    Rex blew the bat-person a kiss as Glory explained. ¡°We have another candidate. He needs some gear; what do you have for a soulmaster?¡±

    ¡°Soulmaster, eh? Soulmaster¡­ soulmaster¡­¡± the bat looked away, lost in thought. ¡°I have a few whips in stock, but not anything more specialized. Is that alright?¡±

    The bat met Will¡¯s eyes. ¡°Is that alright?¡± He repeated.

    ¡°Sure. Yes, that¡¯s alright,¡± Will said hastily.

    ¡°Perfect,¡± said the bat. ¡°Can you join me in the practice room?¡±

    The practice room was quite large and set in cool, heavy stone, or maybe concrete? Will wasn¡¯t sure. Large padded shields and sets of similarly-padded armor were assembled neatly on one wall.

    ¡°Your class will help you intuit the basics, and these aren¡¯t ordinary whips,¡± the bat said, pulling out a variety of objects from a revolving shelf. Only a few of them were whip-shaped.

    ¡°This is your basic scorpion whip,¡± the bat said, handing Will one of the whip-shaped whips. ¡°It¡¯s got a small barb on the end that you can retract as you like.¡±

    ¡°You want to pull the whip to the side, then forward,¡± the bat explained, holding a similar whip to demonstrate. ¡°Roll your arm over your head as it returns, so you don¡¯t hit yourself.¡±

    The bat¡¯s whip cracked in the air, and the sound echoed in the room.

    The narrative has been taken without permission. Report any sightings.

    ¡°I¡¯ve never used a weapon before,¡± Will said only slightly nervously.

    ¡°That¡¯s alright. Take it slow; you¡¯re here to try it out.¡±

    Will nodded. He attempted the motion like the bat had, and actually did succeed for a moment, until the whip slapped one of his horns on the return trip. He yelped, but it didn¡¯t actually hurt much.

    ¡°Good work," the bat said, adjusting Will''s stance and guiding his hands. "Try it a few times; your intuition for the motions should come quickly with your class.¡±

    Will repeated the motion again, this time avoiding striking his horns. Then twice more. With each attempt, it felt more to Will like the whip was an extension of himself than just a weapon. He kind of liked it.

    Will paused, realized he was smiling, and stopped. ¡°Okay. I think I¡¯ve got the basics. Is that it?¡±

    ¡°I want you to try a few, and see how they feel.¡±

    Will nodded. He tried a chain whip, which he found too heavy, and one that was made of enchanted water, which he kind of liked.

    The third was a leather brace with fine gold patterns worked into it, and a pink gemstone on the front. ¡°This one¡¯s a bit different,¡± the bat explained. ¡°The whip is made of light projected from the brace. It¡¯s nice if you don¡¯t feel like carrying around a weapon.¡±

    ¡°Sure, yeah.¡± Will said. Something about it spoke to him, and he was interested in trying it.

    Will repeated the motion again, a lash of gold light streaming from his wrist and then dissipating. Improvising, Will tried a few different motions, getting a feel for how the whip responded.

    ¡°This is the one,¡± Will said, smiling again. ¡°It feels right.¡±

    ¡°Great work,¡± the bat said, returning his smile. ¡°One last test; how will you fare against a real opponent?¡±

    ¡°Uh, what?¡± Will said.

    The bat pulled out a long mace studded with wide spikes from the same revolving shelf. ¡°All the practice in the world means nothing if you can¡¯t use it in a real fight. We¡¯re just going to spar, but I want you to give it your all.¡±

    He walked a few feet away from Will and assumed a wide stance. ¡°You may make the first move.¡±

    ¡°Oh, wow, okay,¡± Will said. ¡°We¡¯re really doing this?¡± he pulled the whip forward again, trying to imagine hitting the bat on the side. The golden whip lashed forward, slicing right through the bat and reappearing on the other side without leaving a mark. Will felt something solidify in his mind.

    ¡°Good shot,¡± said Rico, still grinning. ¡°Now, it¡¯s my turn.¡±

    ¡°Wait!¡± Will said, and Rico didn¡¯t. ¡°I felt¡­ something. I know your name. How did I learn that?¡±

    Rico swung and Will backed away again. ¡°Aha, you are a soulmaster! I was beginning to worry you were just showing off.¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s not helpful!¡± Will said, this time swinging the whip as he sidestepped. It only grazed Rico, but it was a start.

    ¡°Soulmaster isn¡¯t just a fancy name, Will,¡± Rico said, this time landing a solid blow. Without thinking, Will raised an arm to block. Despite the force he could feel, the injury felt more like a firm punch than a metal bat to his shoulder. ¡°You¡¯re mastering souls. Everyone you strike is inexorably bound to you; a connection you can use to control the flow of battle.¡±

    ¡°Everyone? Forever!?¡± Will said. On impulse, he bounded sharply to Rico¡¯s side, and slashed through him as he moved.

    ¡°Yes, little man, everyone! Forever!¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s a lot of commitment!¡± Will cried, cutting across Rico¡¯s back twice in quick succession.

    Rico turned, then took a hoof to the solar plexus. Will, who was suddenly balancing on one foot, landed on his butt. Next to him, Rico was lying on the floor, wincing.

    ¡°Ah! Okay, cool down. That¡¯s starting to hurt.¡± Rico said, wincing.

    ¡°I honestly couldn¡¯t tell. This whip thing goes right through you.¡±

    ¡°It still hurts, and every thrust is more intense than the last. The soulmaster wants to draw the fight out and inflict pain as long as possible. You¡¯re a natural, by the way.¡±

    Will got to his feet and wiped sweat from his brow. ¡°Uh, thank you. I guess.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re happy with that whip?¡±

    ¡°Very,¡± Will said, panting. He was still feeling the adrenaline rush, and it was enjoyable, like he¡¯d just worked out and was enjoying the afterglow.

    ¡°Keep it, then,¡± Rico said, also getting up. ¡°Free of charge.¡±

    Will¡¯s ears flicked suspiciously. ¡°Are you sure?¡±

    ¡°Positive,¡± said Rico, subconsciously mirroring the ear movement. ¡°Virgil¡¯s spell is already so expensive. Consider it a gift.¡±

    ¡°Uh, well, thank you, Rico. For everything.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re very welcome, Will.¡±

    The two of them walked back into the main store area, exhausted and sore. Rex gave Rico an affectionate noogie, which was impressive given the nearly two-foot height difference. Virgil, who had been sitting on the counter, smiled and waved. ¡°Happy with your weapon?¡±

    ¡°Very,¡± Will said. ¡°I think. I kind of¡­ soul-bonded with Rico. It¡¯s part of the class, apparently.¡±

    ¡°Oh yes,¡± said Glorious Purpose, appearing from nowhere. ¡°The soulmaster¡¯s bondage is integral to its combat abilities. Through them, you can heal friends, and harm foes. Slain combatants can be sheltered by this connection, and even called to your aid.¡±

    ¡°Okay,¡± said Will, who was out of complaints to make about the absurdity of his current situation. ¡°Cool.¡±

    ¡°Can I bond next?¡± said Virgil, with more enthusiasm than was strictly necessary. ¡°I want to be next.¡±

 This Chapter Isnt About Freshwater Molluscs

    It was now completely night outside, with only a few red lamps illuminating the district. Moonlight lit the street well, however, much more than on earth.

    Glory directed them to what looked like a large pinboard crossed with a spiderweb. Will thought it was merely an aesthetic decision until a pair of dinner-plate sized spiders crawled from somewhere in front of Glory, who was writing something on a note. He stuck a finger to the web nearby them.

    Glory didn¡¯t appear to say anything, but gesticulated with his free hand as if having a conversation. This continued on for several minutes.

    Eventually Glory put the note back onto the web, the spiders retreated, and he returned to Virgil¡¯s side.

    ¡°The quest is arranged,¡± he said. ¡°We¡¯ll need to get to it shortly.¡±

    ¡°What were the spiders for?¡± Will asked.

    ¡°Night shift,¡± Glory said matter-of-factly. ¡°Just had to discuss the details of the quest with them.¡±

    ¡°Sure, okay,¡± Will said. ¡°Giant spiders give out quests. Okay. Sure.¡±

    ¡°No,¡± Glory said. ¡°You¡¯d notice if giant spiders were giving out quests.¡±

    ¡°Ha-ha,¡± said Will. ¡°Can we go back now?¡±

    ¡°Certainly. It will be a dark hike back home,¡± Glory said. ¡°so I suggest we find an alternative to walking.¡±

    ¡°Such as?¡± Will asked.

    ¡°We will either need a way to simplify our return or find somewhere to stay for the night.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯d rather rest,¡± said Virgil. ¡°I can let Dio know we¡¯re going to be out longer.¡±

    Rex signed something. Glory translated it as ¡°We can find some transportation in town. No need to sit around.¡±

    Will realized everyone was looking at him. ¡°I, uh, don¡¯t really care what we do.¡±

    Glory made no visible movement but whispered in Will¡¯s mind. ¡°You¡¯re exhausted. Do you really not care?¡±

    Will said nothing.

    ¡°I¡¯m going to break the tie,¡± said Glory. ¡°by summoning a divine chariot.¡±

    Virgil made a dissatisfied face. ¡°You don¡¯t have to do that,¡± he said. ¡°I know it¡¯s kind of¡ª¡°

    Before he could finish, what looked like a large beetle made of marble and gold appeared in the street with little preamble. It was simply not there one moment, then there another. It looked at Glory expectantly.

    ¡°Oh, yes, of course,¡± Glory said, pulling a whole frozen fish from nowhere. He offered it to the beetle, which it ate.

    ¡°It will take us home,¡± Glory said to nobody in particular for the benefit of Will.

    Before Will could ask how, the beetle¡¯s wings folded like origami, revealing a space to sit on its abdomen. Cushions lined the circumference of the seating area.

    Virgil, who was only just tall enough to be eye level with the seating area, hoisted himself up with some effort. Rex simply hopped up like someone skipping a turnstile, and Will followed suit.

    The beetle started moving, both more quickly and more smoothly than Will had expected.

    ¡°What is this thing?¡± Will asked. ¡°It¡¯s called a chariot, right?¡±

    ¡°Correct,¡± said Glory. ¡°We angels raise them for transportation. This one, whose name is unpronounceable for most mortals, is one I raised from a grub.¡±

    ¡°Huh,¡± Will said. ¡°Neat.¡±

    Virgil, who was sticking his head out of the beetle¡¯s side, said something in a language Will didn¡¯t understand. It was quick and chattery, like how a squirrel sounds.

    ¡°My family and I don¡¯t communicate much,¡± said Glory. ¡°When they see her missing, I may draw their attention.¡±

    ¡°You have a family?¡± Will asked before he could realize it was a stupid thing to ask.

    ¡°Oh yes,¡± Glory said, less cheerfully neutral than he usually talked. ¡°And they are unhappy with my choice of lifestyle.¡±

    ¡°Being Virgil¡¯s¡­ summoned guy?¡± Will asked.

    ¡°Eidolon,¡± Glory said, ¡°and they think that is beneath me.¡±

    ¡°They used to pester me about it,¡± Virgil said with a dull laugh. ¡°Nothing more fun than the lord of angels himself telling you you¡¯re not good enough for his son.¡±

    ¡°Lord of angels?¡± Will asked. To Glory he asked ¡°You¡¯re a prince?¡±

    ¡°Angels don¡¯t have princes,¡± Glory said. ¡°But I am, for lack of a better word, privileged with the position of being his progeny.¡±

    ¡°How¡¯d you end up Virgil¡¯s eidolon, then?¡±

    ¡°That is a story for another day,¡± Glory said. He sounded uncharacteristically tired.

    ¡°Why don¡¯t you tell us more about yourself,¡± Virgil asked, sitting back down. To his right Rex was face-down and already asleep.

    ¡°Oh,¡± said Will, who had suddenly forgotten the details of all of his hobbies and interests and academic career. ¡°I can play the piano.¡±

    Virgil smiled and made a ¡®go on¡¯ gesture.

    ¡°I was planning on going to university for biology,¡± he said after a moment of hesitation. ¡°I have an associate¡¯s degree and was looking to get my master¡¯s degree as well.¡±

    Royal Road is the home of this novel. Visit there to read the original and support the author.

    ¡°I work¡ªor worked, I guess, Cheryl¡¯s gonna be worried sick¡ªat a game store. Cards and board games, that kind of thing. I had a girlfriend, we actually had a really big fight right before I left.¡±

    ¡°I was just¡­ a guy, I guess. Just a person living his life. I don¡¯t know what makes me the best choice for saving the world, unless it involves sustainable aquaculture of freshwater invertebrates.¡±

    ¡°You never know,¡± said Glory. ¡°I¡¯m sure it was for a reason that you were brought here.¡±

    ¡°Tell me about the aquaculture of freshwater invertebrates,¡± Virgil said.

    ¡°Oh, well, in aquaponics, that is, a tank system designed to raise both food plants and animals, fish are the most common choice, usually edible ones.¡±

    ¡°But what I¡¯ve been studying is the possibility for a more complete ecosystem, with many different animals, may provide more food and require less direct involvem¡ª¡°

    Will was cut off by a loud ¡°Help!¡± from somewhere off the road. ¡°Help me!¡±

    Glory snapped to attention, looking in the exact direction the cry had come from. ¡°Two tainted creatures are chasing someone. They¡¯re maintaining a steady distance, but he appears to be running out of steam. We need to act fast.¡±

    Virgil snapped his fingers twice in front of Rex, who abruptly woke up.

    ¡°I think it¡¯s best to take both of them head-on,¡± said Glory. ¡°Give their quarry time to escape.¡±

    ¡°Will, you and I be the fastest,¡± Glory continued. ¡°See if you can intercept and stall until everyone catches up.¡±

    ¡°Okay,¡± said Will. ¡°I can definitely try.¡±

    Glory flew ahead, and Will hopped off the chariot to follow. When he started to run, he found it came much more naturally to him than walking.

    He could sprint faster than Glory could fly, and was running fast enough that he could bash one of the creatures with a shoulder with enough force to send it tumbling.

    Suddenly standing still next to the monster, Will struggled to understand its form. It had been running on all fours, but it had long arms and clawed hands. The only visible facial feature was a wide maw, with the rest of the body covered in long, black fur that rippled and waved like tall grass in the wind.

    The other creature grabbed Will¡¯s leg and yanked him down. This one looked completely different, with nearly translucent skin showing off bones and organs that didn¡¯t quite match a human¡¯s. it had no face at all, just a rounded, bony dome where its skull would be.

    ¡°Eugh,¡± said Will as he kicked it away. Glory flew overhead, knocking the hairy one back down.

    Will used the chance to get to his feet. He slashed his light whip through one, and was briefly unsettled.

    ¡°They¡¯re like, empty,¡± Will said, and was privately slightly annoyed that he was now expecting to feel the creature¡¯s soul. ¡°Nothing inside, no-one upstairs.¡±

    ¡°Their souls are held captive by their traitorous flesh,¡± Glory said, casting some kind of spell that surrounded Will with a golden ring of light. ¡°You won¡¯t sense them until the body is destroyed.¡±

    Virgil and Rex arrived. Rex simply produced a large warhammer from his backpack, while Virgil summoned a smoky outline of what looked like a wolf, which latched onto the hairy one in a deathgrip.

    Will cut through the bony one again, dodging it as its arms stretched and contorted to grab him. Every time Will struck it, it made a two-tone whistling noise.

    ¡°I think it¡¯s laughing at me,¡± Will said with some indignation.

    It''s not laughing at you,¡° said Glory. ¡±It may, however, be enjoying itself.¡°

    ¡±Why would it enjoy me¡ª¡± Will asked, before the answer occurred to him. ¡°Ah.¡±

    He slapped away a clammy hand that was attempting to clamber onto him. ¡°Would it be possible to use my whip as a restraint?¡±

    ¡°Certainly,¡± Glory said. ¡°Just will it to be so.¡±

    Will scowled, slashed through the masochistic sac of organs twice more, and shoved it to the ground. With his whip, he tightly restricted its arms to cut off the circulation of blood.

    It thrashed, grasping madly as its arms and hands sagged, until two long ribbons of flesh sat unmoving on the floor, tangled in knots.

    ¡°That''s fucking gross,¡± Will said.

    The hairy one, which Will had left to the others, roared. The spectral wolf that had been biting it was slammed against a tree, knocking it to the floor. Will watched as it dissipated into smoke, leaving a strange, organic looking shape, glowing blue.

    On instinct, Will sliced the air with his whip, wrapping around it. It vanished, and Will felt a flash in his mind.

    Blood. Bone. Carapace. The chase of prey, the ripple of warm water and the cold soil and the clean air. Allies of convenience. Family. The final bite; life slipping away in my grasp. Warm flesh, shared. The contentment of a full belly.

    Will¡¯s mind refocused. Only a moment had passed, but he felt like he¡¯d just woken up from a long nap. The remaining tainted creature had grabbed Rex and was squashing him with a heavy paw. Long tongues, four of them, whipped around blindly. One cut across Will¡¯s arm, and it stung like a jellyfish, and his arm felt suddenly limp.

    ¡°It¡¯s venomous!¡± Will said, taking a step back. ¡°Those tongues sting like a motherfucker.¡±

    Virgil nodded, tossing out what looked like a buzzsaw made of that same mist, which cut across one of the tongues, severing it.

    The monster screamed in a way that reminded Will of a howling dog, and its two remaining tongues whipped towards Virgil. Glorious Purpose grabbed one in midair, causing it to blacken and sizzle, but the other two cut across Virgil¡¯s side. The halfling fell to the ground, limp.

    Rex managed to unwedge himself from the creature as it tried to move, blowing an air horn-like whistle in rage. The creature tottered, and was pushed onto its back. Rex began repeatedly smashing it in the chest as it struggled, until it was barely moving. Will saw another outline, this time red, but couldn¡¯t easily touch it with his whip.

    ¡°Christ,¡± Will said, breathing heavily. He felt like he was going to pass out or throw up, or both. ¡°That fucking sucked. Is it always like this?¡±

    ¡°You get used to it,¡± said Glorious Purpose helpfully. ¡°Allow me to tend to your wounds.¡±

    ¡°I think it only got me once,¡± Will said, and he tried to lift his stung arm. The action made him nauseous, which wasn¡¯t helped by the horrible wet crunching sounds of Rex pulverizing the remaining creature.

    Glory grabbed Will by the wrist, pushing two fingers against the wound. It was in fact superficial, but whatever venom the creature had used had burned the area around it. Glory¡¯s hands were cool and smooth, like river stones or ceramics. Whatever magic he did was impossible to describe as a sensation, but it made Will think of bonfires and comfort food and fresh laundry.

    When Glory pulled away, the wound had been reduced to a thin scar. ¡°Don¡¯t exert that arm too much for a few hours,¡± he said, and turned to Virgil, who was laying on the ground.

    ¡°This will take longer,¡± Glory said, scooping Virgil up and slinging him over his shoulder. ¡°I apologize for the wait.¡±

    ¡°¡®Sokay,¡± Virgil slurred, his voice strained.

    ¡°I¡¯m going to take Virgil and Rex back to the chariot,¡± said Glory to Will. ¡°The man who was being chased is hiding behind a fallen log about forty meters thataway. Can you check on him?¡±

    ¡°Yeah, I can do that,¡± said Will.

    ¡°Thank you, Will,¡± said Glory, turning away.

    Will jogged through the forest, its tangled roots and bushes of the forest as easy for him to move through as a sidewalk.

    He found a stout man curled in the fetal position behind a large, timeworn log, who made a surprised noise when Will rapped on the top like he was knocking on a door.

    ¡°We took care of those things,¡± Will said, poorly feigning confident detachment. ¡°You can, uh, go home I guess.¡±

    ¡°Thanks,¡± the cowering man said quietly. ¡°I¡¯ve never seen two work together like that.¡±

    ¡°Is that so?¡± Will asked. Something about how Glory had found them came to mind. ¡°They were trailing you, yeah? How fast are you?¡±

    The man made a noncommittal gesture. ¡°I¡¯m not¡­ the best long distance runner.¡±

    ¡°So why didn¡¯t they catch you?¡±

 Will is Autistic If You Couldnt Tell

    ¡°I don¡¯t follow,¡± said the man under the log. He was confused enough that he actually seemed much less scared, almost as if taken aback or offended.

    ¡°If they couldn¡¯t catch you,¡± Will said, trying to form his own hypothesis, ¡°it¡¯s because they didn¡¯t really want to.¡±

    ¡°So they were just chasing me for no reason?¡±

    Will flicked two ears in a thoughtful way. ¡°No, there must be a reason. We just don¡¯t know what it is. What¡¯s your name?¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s comforting. I¡¯m Chine.¡±

    ¡°Have you dealt with tainted creatures before, Chine?¡± Will asked. ¡°What do you know about them?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯ve only fought one once,¡± Chine said. ¡°And it was a painful experience. It got me good, but from what I understand it fell apart after.¡±

    ¡°Everyone knows that they aren¡¯t very durable or long-lasting,¡± Chine continued, ¡°but they only need to live long enough to take someone with them.¡±

    ¡°Did you feel different afterwards?¡± Will asked.

    ¡°I have a short tail now,¡± Chine said, already getting up. ¡°Do you want to see it?¡±

    ¡°Not right now, thanks,¡± Will said before he could mentally correct himself. ¡°Are you worried about becoming tainted yourself?¡±

    ¡°Not particularly, no.¡±

    Will considered this. ¡°Why?¡±

    ¡°Cause you¡¯re gonna save the world. You¡¯re another one of GP¡¯s recruits.¡±

    ¡°GP? Oh, Glorious Purpose, of course. Is he a big deal?¡±

    Chine spoke with the nonchalant attitude of someone speaking of another person¡¯s minor problem. ¡°Yeah, he and his party took on the quest to save the world. As long as you guys are working on it, there¡¯s nothing to worry about.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re that confident in our success?¡±

    ¡°The world hasn¡¯t ended yet,¡± he said with a nervous laugh. ¡°Something big and deadly always shows up to threaten the world, and it¡¯s always dealt with.¡±

    ¡°Hm. Well, I can¡¯t say I¡¯m unfamiliar with that concept,¡± Will said. He remembered a day in freshman year he¡¯d been to a climate protest, and how little attention it got on the news. ¡°Thank you for answering my questions. Do you need anything else?¡±

    ¡°No, but thank you,¡± Chine said. He stretched lazily as if warming up, and as though he hadn¡¯t just been in mortal peril. ¡°I¡¯m just going to meatwarp home.¡±

    Will decided he could ask Virgil what that meant later. ¡°Alright. Uh, goodnight I guess.¡±

    Will jogged back to the chariot, where Glory was kneeling beside Virgil, who was shirtless and having his wounds tended to.

    ¡°You¡¯re back,¡± said Glory, not looking up. ¡°Good. We should return home at once.¡±

    ¡°How¡¯s Virgil?¡± Will asked. He sat down across from Glory, and the chariot began to move again.

    ¡°Unconscious, but stable. The venom is potent, but not deadly. I¡¯ve administered what I can, but he¡¯ll need some time to recover.¡±

    ¡°Is it that serious?¡± Will asked. ¡°I didn¡¯t realize it would be that hard on him.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re twice his height, and he got twice the dose you did, delivered to his core and not an extremity,¡± Glory said. He produced a large patch of gauze, which made a sound like velcro as he pressed it to Virgil¡¯s side.

    ¡°Fair point,¡± Will said. ¡°The guy we rescued didn¡¯t seem all that concerned about the tainted aside from the immediate threat.¡±

    ¡°Most people aren¡¯t,¡± said Glory. ¡°They expect us to handle it.¡±

    ¡°He mentioned that you specifically were handling it. Are you in charge, and not Virgil?¡± Will asked. ¡°I kind of assumed he was in charge.¡±

    ¡°Nobody¡¯s in charge,¡± said Glory plainly. ¡°We all contribute what we can. But I signed the paperwork, and being heir to the heavens sets certain¡­ expectations.¡±

    ¡°You have to fill out paperwork to save the world?¡±

    ¡°Oh yes,¡± Glory said, again sounding a bit tired. ¡°Lots of paperwork.¡±

    Rex made a dull whistling noise and signed something. It was even more difficult for Will to understand, as Rex was laying down sideways.

    ¡°Rex is also annoyed that people don¡¯t seem to worry,¡± Glory said. ¡°He says it¡¯s more fun when everyone is freaked out and giving us things.¡±

    Will laughed dully. ¡°Do those creatures, the tainted ones, have recognized tactics? Are those specific monsters we fought ones that have shown up before, or are they totally different each time?¡±

    Royal Road is the home of this novel. Visit there to read the original and support the author.

    ¡°I¡¯ve heard reports of a skeletal one that matches the description of one we fought, and I¡¯ve seen similar-looking ones pop up more than once, so the idea isn¡¯t unfounded,¡± said Glory. ¡°But the tainted aren¡¯t known to act tactically. They are by definition guided by instinct and impulse.¡±

    ¡°Does anyone keep tabs on the tainted or what they can do? A field guide or bestiary or whatever?¡± Will asked. ¡°I want to note down how that hairy one¡¯s venom works.¡±

    ¡°Not to my knowledge,¡± Glory said, producing a sketchbook and a graphite pen from a hole in space. ¡°You can start one if you like.¡±

    Will took the sketchbook and began writing notes down before he could forget.

    ¡°Skeletal tainted; thin, translucent skin. highly flexible. highly reliant on arms and hands.¡±

    ¡°Furball tainted; large, wide, covered in rippling fur. Big mouth, lots of tongues. venomous. paralytic, not deadly.¡±

    Rex looked over to Will as he did his best to sketch the creatures. He signed something slowly, like he was spelling a word.

    ¡°Rex suggests we call the hairy one ¡®Gnashodon,¡¯¡± said Glory unamusedly.

    ¡°I¡¯m not giving them funny names,¡± said Will flatly. ¡°Numbers, maybe, for ease of use. They¡¯re people, yeah? Or used to be?¡±

    ¡°Yes,¡± said Glory. ¡°I agree giving them funny names would be in poor taste.¡±

    ¡°I think knowing how they work and how to stop them will go a long way to protecting people,¡± said Will. Despite himself he found the prospect somewhat appealing. This was something he could actually do to make a difference.

    ¡°I¡¯m glad to see you¡¯re taking the initiative on that,¡± said Glory. ¡°I believe this Pok¨¦dex of yours could prove invaluable.¡±

    Will winced at himself a bit at thinking of that comparison, even if he hadn¡¯t voiced it. On the floor, Virgil coughed, made a pained noise, and looked up at nothing. ¡°What the dickens is a Pok¨¦dex?¡± he asked.

    Will and Glory both waited for the other to explain first.

    ¡°It¡¯s like a bestiary,¡± Glory said. ¡°From Will¡¯s home.¡±

    Virgil looked at a space about a foot away from Will¡¯s head. ¡°That¡¯s cool,¡± he said. ¡°Tell me about it.¡±

    ¡°I think it¡¯s best if you rest,¡± Glory said, slightly sternly. ¡°We can discuss Will¡¯s home another time.¡±

    ¡°Everything hurts,¡± said Virgil. ¡°And I can¡¯t move. Let me have this?¡±

    Glory looked at Will and gave him a questioning look. He didn¡¯t need to use telepathy for Will to understand him.

    Will took a breath. ¡°Okay, so, there are these creatures, called Pok¨¦mon. They¡¯re, like, monsters, but they¡¯re friendly. People use them to battle each other. It¡¯s okay, Pok¨¦mon like it. Uh¡­ the first one, number zero-zero-zero-one, is Bulbasaur. It¡¯s like, a big frog with a green bulb on its back, but they¡¯re connected, and both grow symbiotically¡­¡±

    They had gotten to Metapod when they arrived back at the estate.

    ¡°We don¡¯t have an infirmary,¡± said Glory. ¡°Will, can you get Virgil to his room? I must prepare a stronger elixir.¡±

    Will looked to Rex, who was already walking away. ¡°Yeah. Okay.¡±

    Virgil directed Will to the largest bedroom, which overlooked a small, river-carved valley behind the estate. There was a bang from its bathroom, and Dio practically fell through the door.

    He was wearing a fluffy towel around his waist (which left more to the imagination than the loincloth he had previously been wearing) and dripping wet.

    ¡°I can explain,¡± he said quickly.

    ¡°Please don¡¯t,¡± said Will hurriedly. ¡°Virgil got pretty roughed up out there. Where should I¡­ put him?¡±

    ¡°Put him in the tub,¡± Dio said, pointing a thumb back to the bathroom. ¡°The springwater should help. It''s magic. You¡¯re welcome.¡±

    ¡°Just leave,¡± Will said.

    ¡°Okay, okay,¡± said Dio, who sidestepped Will and sulked out.

    Will set him in the ¡®tub¡¯, which was actually shaped almost like a fountain, and was halfway onto the balcony outside. The water was tinged slightly bluish-green.

    Virgil made a relieved sound as he was set down in it. ¡°Thank you, Will. I was really counting on you today,¡± he said.

    ¡°Uh, you¡¯re welcome,¡± Will said. ¡°Hope you¡­ feel better?¡±

    Virgil laughed. ¡°I do feel better. You¡­¡± he paused. ¡°You can go. I can handle myself until Glory arrives. Get something to eat and some rest. There are several empty guest rooms to the left of this one, just take one of them.¡±

    ¡°Uh, yeah,¡± Will said. ¡°Okay. I can do that. Do you want me to snag something to eat?¡±

    ¡°No,¡± said Virgil. ¡°I can get Glory to fetch me something.¡±

    ¡°You sure? I don¡¯t mind,¡± said Will.

    ¡°Certain,¡± Virgil said. ¡°You¡¯ve done plenty today.¡±

    ¡°Alright. Goodnight, Virgil,¡± Will said as he walked away, slightly puzzled by the conversation.

    Glory was in the kitchen, mashing something in a mortar and pestle.

    ¡°Hey, Glory,¡± Will said. ¡°What¡¯ve you guys got to eat?¡±

    ¡°There''s always a surplus of fish Dio catches and butchers." Glory said proudly. "There''s plenty of chowder he makes from it, as well. There¡¯s fresh bread, as well, if you just want something very simple.¡±

    ¡°Sounds perfect,¡± Will said. ¡°Where is it?¡±

    ¡°Pantry,¡± Glory said, pointing to a doorway with one wing. ¡°Each container separately keeps food at an optimal temperature.¡±

    Will nodded, and passed Glory into the pantry, which was the size of a walk-in closet. Metal pots and ceramics and simple open baskets were lined upon shelves with no apparent order.

    He opened several at random, finding dishes he recognized (such as baked probably-chicken) and ones he didn¡¯t (a whole frog suspended in some kind of savory-smelling gelatin)

    Will settled on what he assumed was fish-and-clam chowder and a few small rolls.

    Outside the pantry, Will ate alone. He missed having stupid video essays to ignore while eating. The food was good, though; Glory was right about it being the perfect temperature.

    He idly wondered what fish it was made from, and if the clams were local freshwater species or imported. The water source of the estate was magic; did that impact the food made from it, or the animals living in it?

    Will resolved to ask Glory for some extra notebooks.

 Platonic Ideal (Get it, because Platonic can mean both-

    There was a knock at Will¡¯s door, which woke him up.

    He hadn¡¯t realized that he had fallen asleep, or gone to bed for that matter, and he didn¡¯t recognize the room he was now in. Deja vu.

    ¡°Coming, give me a second!¡± Will said, which in hindsight was a poor choice of words.

    He was again naked, and still a satyr. Some part of him had been hoping this had all been some absurd, stupid dream. But no, it was his absurd, stupid reality.

    Will opened a large wooden wardrobe and found the clothes he had been wearing last night, along with some extras of similar styles. The plain cotton clothes Glory had provided yesterday were nowhere to be found. While most of it was dark leather, a colorful aloha shirt stood out to him, and Will grabbed it to try it on.

    It simply wouldn¡¯t stick, as if blocked by an invisible barrier. After wrestling with it for an embarrassingly long time, he read the label.

    ¡®Cosmetic Equipment: Wear only over armor!¡¯

    ¡°I hate this so much,¡± Will said, tossing the shirt onto his bed. He was pretty sure the harnesses were what constituted his ¡®armor,¡¯ and so he struggled getting into one for, again, an embarrassingly long time. When he finally got it on, his brain helpfully supplied that it was called an ¡°X¡± harness, which made sense, considering it was shaped like an X.

    ¡°I hate this so much,¡± Will repeated, putting on the aloha shirt, which this time went on with zero difficulty. It had no buttonholes and couldn¡¯t be closed.

    There was another knock at Will¡¯s door. On the other side Virgil said ¡°Will? Are you okay in there? Need any help?¡±

    ¡°No, sorry,¡± Will said, jumping to the door. He opened it quickly. ¡°I¡¯m alright,¡± he repeated. ¡°Had some difficulty with my, uh, armor.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re wearing it upside-down,¡± said Virgil. ¡°I respect the no pants, though.¡±

    ¡°Uhm,¡± Will said.

    ¡°Don¡¯t worry,¡± Virgil, who was approximately eye level with his navel, said. ¡°Nobody can see your bits.¡±

    ¡°Uhm,¡± Will repeated.

    ¡°Unless you want them too.¡±

    ¡°Uhm¡­¡±

    ¡°Anyway,¡± Virgil said, walking away. ¡°I need your help with something. I can¡¯t find one of my summons; Glory said you did something with it.¡±

    The memory reasserted itself in Will¡¯s mind. It felt less like his own recollection and more of a solid thing in his brain. ¡°Yeah,¡± Will said. ¡°I¡¯m not sure what though. It just gave me weird¡­ feelings when I grabbed it.¡±

    Virgil led Will into the garden and had them sit down across from one another. ¡°Recall those feelings: this is an ancient, primal force. More than a conjuration, it is a soul-of-souls.¡±

    ¡°In Eng-er-common, please,¡± Will asked.

    ¡°On all worlds there are prey, and so on all worlds there are predators. This is an incarnation of Predation, the apex hunter. A small sliver of it, at least.¡±

    ¡°Okay,¡± said Will. He focused on documentaries he¡¯d watched in the past; hyenas taking down a zebra, a cannibal spider lunging at a relative, orcas stranding seals on land to trap them.

    Floating in the air above his hands, something glowed blue. It seemed to be an amorphous blob, struggling to maintain a form. It pulsed with wiry veins like a slime mold in time like a heartbeat. It was copying his own, Will realized.

    ¡°Okay,¡± Will said. ¡°What now?¡±

    ¡°Hm.¡± Virgil said. He reached out a finger towards the blob, and the blue turned purple as it reached out back to him. ¡°I¡¯ve never seen this. It¡¯s bonded to you, but it¡¯s still bonded to me. That¡¯s not supposed to be possible for things like this.¡±

    ¡°I have no context for this,¡± said Will. ¡°What do we do with it?¡±

    ¡°Its form is unstable, and it¡¯s scared and confused,¡± said Virgil. ¡°It should look like an animal. A predator, specifically. Something primal and raw.¡±

    ¡°Sure,¡± Will said. Again he remembered learning of the past; of the reptiles and dinosaurs that once ruled the earth. Then further back, amphibians. Then further back, fish. And then¡­ furthest back, something older and stranger than all of those.

    Will opened his eyes. There was a creature floating above his hands, pulsing purple and blue, about a foot and a half long. Waves of fins undulated in empty air. ¡°It¡¯s an anomalocaris,¡± said Will. ¡°One of earth¡¯s oldest apex predators.¡±

    ¡°Anomaloc-ah-ris?¡± Virgil asked.

    ¡°No, anomaloc-air-is,¡± said Will. ¡°Rhymes with Paris.¡±

    ¡°What¡¯s a Paris?¡±

    If you find this story on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the infringement.

    Will stifled a laugh. ¡°Don¡¯t worry about it.¡±

    ¡°I was thinking of something like a big cat,¡± said Virgil. ¡°Or the wolf it had been before. Wolves are cool.¡±

    ¡°Is this one a problem?¡± Will asked. He loosened his metaphorical grip, and the ghostly radiodont circled around his head lazily.

    Virgil blushed. ¡°Oh, no, not at all. I love it! It¡¯s very, well, you.¡±

    ¡°So, what does it do?¡± asked Will. ¡°You sent it after one of those tainted creatures, yeah?¡±

    ¡°Oh, yes,¡± Virgil said proudly. ¡°An avatar of Predation is very useful in a fight, and can contribute without too much direct command, which I appreciate.¡±

    ¡°For now, though, it should rest,¡± Virgil said. ¡°The process of reassembling a form is exhausting for creatures unbound by flesh.¡±

    Virgil attempted to return the spirit to his protection, but something caught within Will; like a chain was being tugged in a direction he didn¡¯t know existed. To avoid metaphorically slipping, Will metaphorically pulled back. The creature vanished. He felt it again in his mind, and again in Virgil¡¯s.

    ¡°Is it in¡­ both of us?¡± Will asked.

    ¡°I suppose so,¡± said Virgil. ¡°There¡¯s no rule saying it can¡¯t be.¡±

    ¡°This is weird.¡± Will said blankly.

    ¡°And everything before this hasn¡¯t been weird?¡± Virgil asked.

    ¡°Touche. It¡¯s weird in a different way than everything else.¡±

    ¡°You get used to it,¡± said Virgil. ¡°Now come on. I want breakfast.¡±

    The kitchen was directly adjacent to the bedrooms, so Virgil and Will backtracked. Dio was tending to a brick oven which had a series of clamped, pan-shaped metal implements roasting in it; with his bare hand he picked one up and turned it over.

    ¡°I¡¯m making waffles,¡± Dio said. In a kindergarten teacher''s voice, he asked ¡°Do you know what a waffle is?¡±

    ¡°What?¡± Will replied.

    ¡°Oh, it¡¯s a type of pastry made by baking dough between shaped plates to create a¡ª¡±

    ¡°I know what a waffle is,¡± Will said. ¡°I just don¡¯t like that tone.¡±

    ¡°Please, Dio,¡± Virgil said. ¡°Be civil. Will is nice, and he¡¯s staying to help us.¡±

    ¡°Uh, actually¡ª¡± Will attempted to cut in again.

    ¡°I¡¯m sure he is, which is exactly why I got left behind all day yesterday so you could ease him in.¡± Dio said, venom dripping from the last three words.

    ¡°It¡¯s a process, okay,¡± Virgil said. ¡°We just needed time. It¡¯s already so much to take in.¡±

    ¡°Please just¡ª¡± Will attempted yet again to cut in.

    ¡°What¡¯s that supposed to mean?¡± Dio snapped.

    ¡°It means¡­¡± Virgil paused to gesticulate. ¡°Well, you know you can be a lot to handle.¡±

    ¡°So you don¡¯t want me around, is that it?¡± Dio asked, smacking a waffle iron against the floor of the oven.

    ¡°No, Dio.¡± Virgil sighed. ¡°Seven Scribes, I want you around. But after the last times we tried this, I needed you to not overwhelm Will. So please, calm down. You¡¯re going to burn the waffles.¡±

    ¡°Sorry I¡¯m soooo fucking much to handle, Virge,¡± Dio said, his eyes literally smoldering angrily. ¡°¡®Dio, don¡¯t break into my room and use my private bathroom. Dio, don¡¯t run around with your dick out when there¡¯s company from the prude dimension. Dio, don¡¯t ruin our last chance to save the fucking world by being such a fucking faggot all the time.¡¯¡±

    ¡°You have to admit you weren¡¯t exactly welcoming to the other candidates,¡± Virgil said diplomatically.

    ¡°So suddenly it¡¯s my fault we¡¯re stuck with the square?¡± Dio asked rhetorically.

    ¡°I¡¯m right here you know,¡± Will said. ¡°The waffles are on fire by the way.¡±

    ¡°You threw one of them off a cliff!¡± Virgil countered.

    ¡°He shouldn¡¯t have pulled your tail like that!¡± Dio countered.

    ¡°He died!¡±

    ¡°HE GOT BETTER!¡±

    ¡°The waffles are on fire!¡± Will said again.

    ¡°You just want him all to yourself so he can fuck you stupid all night!¡± Dio said. ¡°I can fucking smell it on you you little weasel, acting like you¡¯re soooo much more levelheaded than me. Well maybe I wanted him to fuck me stupid all night!¡±

    ¡°Again, I¡¯m right here!¡± Will said. ¡°And the waffles are still on fire.¡±

    ¡°The what?¡± Dio asked. ¡°Ah fuck, the waffles are on fire! Why doesn¡¯t anyone tell me anything!?¡±

    Dio ran off and dunked the reddening waffle irons in a fountain, causing a hiss of steam to billow forth.

    ¡°I¡¯m sorry you had to hear that, Will,¡± said Virgil, looking towards the steam cloud. ¡°Dio has been doing poorly since we first started this whole plan. He shouldn¡¯t be taking it out on you. And I don¡¯t¡­ just¡­ keep you here for your looks. I¡¯m a¡ª¡°

    ¡°I know you have a crush on me,¡± said Will. ¡°Glory told me last night.¡±

    Virgil made a squeaking noise, every muscle in his body tensing instantly like a fainting goat¡¯s. ¡°When?¡±

    ¡°It was a bit after we talked about fireflies,¡± Will said. ¡°I¡¯m flattered, but¡­¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re not interested?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m not gay, Virgil. I¡¯ve never been interested in men. And I just¡­ I don¡¯t know. I have my old life to get back to.¡±

    ¡°But it doesn¡¯t have anything to do with¡­ me? Besides the obvious.¡±

    ¡°Do not get the wrong idea here, Virgil, seriously. I think you¡¯re a great guy. Anyone else here would be lucky to have you. But not me.¡± Will said. After a pause, he added ¡°Again; do not get the wrong idea.¡±

    ¡°Right,¡± said Virgil, who wasn¡¯t getting the wrong idea but also wasn¡¯t getting the right one. ¡°Thank you, Will. For understanding.¡±

 An Obligatory Christmas Intermission

    ¡°What do you think of when I say the word ''Christmas?''¡± Glorious Purpose asked Will.

    ¡°Uh,¡± said Will, who hadn''t anticipated the question from someone who wasn''t Christian, had no concept of Christianity, and had never heard the word ''Christmas'' before.

    ¡°That''s perfect, thank you.¡± said Glory, who vanished in a flash of light.

    In hindsight, Will should''ve seen the events that followed coming. A few days later, at a bit past midnight, Glory knocked on his bedroom door to wake him up. Will knew it was Glory because he had announced as such.

    ¡°It''s Glorious Purpose,¡± Glory said, rapping on the door. ¡°Get up. We have a surprise for you.¡±

    This did not bode well. Still, Will got up. In his closet, instead of his usual stupid options for outerwear, he had new, unusual stupid options.

    He settled on the dark green harness with a minimal number of bells. As much as he hated to admit it, he felt naked without something to wear. As he got ready, he ripped as many bells as he could off, but more seemed to keep appearing.

    ¡°Glory,¡± Will said, standing behind the door. ¡°Are you attempting to reverse engineer Christmas from my incomplete and biased memories of a holiday you have no context for?¡±

    ¡°That''s exactly correct,¡± Glory said with mild cheer.

    Glory could read Will''s mind, and in fact couldn''t not read Will''s mind, so he followed the trail of logic Will''s mind took.

    Will rationalized his actions as scholarly curiosity; he wanted to see how accurate Glory had been, and was genuinely curious to see where this whole thing went.

    Both of these were true, but only Glory knew that the most important reason Will was willing to go along with it was simply that he was touched by the gesture; a fact Will was too jaded to admit to himself.

    Glory also noted to himself that this was in it of itself a very Christmas-like thing to occur.

    ¡°Can I at least wear something that won''t jingle all day?¡± Will asked, his disdain for the word jingle apparent.

    ¡°Certainly,¡± Glory said. With a snap of his fingers, the bells on Will''s harness vanished, though the ones on the floor didn¡¯t. To Will, it felt like they had been sucked off with a small vacuum cleaner.

    Will opened the door. He had been half-expecting to find Glory wearing some kind of tacky sweater, which is why Glory wasn¡¯t. Instead, Glory was holding a coffee mug that had a ribbon wrapped around it. It held hot chocolate with four marshmallows, which Glory had decided was the optimal number of marshmallows.

    ¡°Oh, uh, thank you,¡± said Will, taking the cup. It was actually fairly cold outside, so Will took a sip.

    ¡°It¡¯s good,¡± Will said. He didn¡¯t know what else to say. ¡°This is¡­ my mug, from back home?¡±

    It had the same picture of a tired owl as his, at least, and it felt the same in his grip. Will had to stop himself from tipping it over to see if it had the same chip on the bottom.

    ¡°Well, it¡¯s an exact replica,¡± said Glory. ¡°Completely indistinguishable in every way.¡±

    ¡°Huh,¡± said Will. ¡°Neat. Can you do that with other objects?¡±

    ¡°The more complex an object is, the harder it is to duplicate,¡± said Glory. ¡°I wouldn¡¯t have been able to clone, say, a computer with this spell.¡±

    ¡°Can you clone a living thing? With enough juice, at least?¡±

    ¡°Certainly,¡± said Glory. ¡°Although it¡¯s some serious magic.¡±

    You could be reading stolen content. Head to the original site for the genuine story.

    ¡°Like the magic you use to bring me here?¡± Will asked.

    Glory knew what Will was really asking and decided to avoid dancing around the issue.

    ¡°I¡¯m pretty sure you¡¯re not a clone of the real Will who would be on earth and unaware of any of this.¡±

    ¡°Pretty sure?¡±

    ¡°Magic is complicated and unpredictable,¡± Glory said. His confidence was wavering slightly. ¡°It¡¯s hard to be completely and totally sure of anything. But assuming the spell worked as intended, you are, by any reasonable definition, the only Will Terronson.¡±

    ¡°Okay,¡± said Will. ¡°Why didn¡¯t you copy me?¡±

    ¡°Honestly¡­ to avoid having to answer ¡®yes¡¯ to your question.¡± Glory said apologetically. ¡°It¡¯s already a lot, being here. I didn¡¯t want to add that existential complication.¡±

    ¡°Well, I¡­¡± Will paused. ¡°Appreciate that. I think. Thank you.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re very welcome,¡± said Glory. ¡°And merry Christmas.¡±

    ¡°Uh, merry Christmas, Glory.¡± Will said. He expected Glory to leave, which Glory didn¡¯t take personally. ¡°Is that it? Was it just the mug?¡±

    Will wasn¡¯t sure if he was worried it was, or worried it wasn¡¯t.

    ¡°No,¡± said Glorious Purpose. ¡°Care to join us at the fire pit?¡±

    ¡°We have a fire pit?¡± Will asked.

    ¡°We do now,¡± said Glory with a monocular wink.

    The fire pit had been set up near the estate¡¯s exterior spring. It actually looked to Will rather like a sauna that had been cut in half, with the roof and two adjacent walls discarded. A folding ladder was holding some of Rex¡¯s spare enchanted glowing gemstones in imitation of a christmas tree.

    ¡°The estate had a sauna when it was actually used as a bed and breakfast,¡± Virgil helpfully explained. He was roasting a marshmallow on a stick. ¡°But it¡¯s been out of commission for years. Better we get some use out of it than let it languish.¡±

    Dio, who was holding a handful of burning marshmallows directly in the fire, grumbled. ¡°Maybe I could¡¯ve used a sauna.¡±

    ¡°You wouldn¡¯t fit in the sauna,¡± Virgil countered politely.

    ¡°Excuses, excuses,¡± Dio countered. He brought the charred mass of molten sugar up towards his face, eating it like how a bear eats a honeycomb.

    ¡°So,¡± Virgil asked, leaning a carefully calculated amount towards Will as he spoke. ¡°What¡¯s Christmas about?¡±

    Will thought to himself ¡®Glory I know you can hear me I can explain this,¡¯ then said ¡°Well, historically it¡¯s tied to the winter solstice and is a celebration of the birth of the¡­ religious figure Jesus Christ. See, Christ, Christmas? You get it. But nowadays it¡¯s more of a generic gift-giving holiday. It¡¯s a huge deal for companies, especially toy and game companies. Genuinely it¡¯s a billion-dollar industry; no holiday comes close to how much economic weight¡ª¡±

    ¡°Sorry, hold on a second. Billion? Like with a B?¡± Virgil asked.

    ¡°Yes,¡± said Will. ¡°Probably actually it¡¯s a trillion-dollar industry.¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s a million times a million,¡± Glory helpfully provided.

    ¡°What are people buying that¡¯s worth a trillion dollars?¡± Dio asked. He didn¡¯t know how much a million actually was, but it sounded big.

    ¡°Advertisements, mostly,¡± said Will.

    ¡°What are they doing, pasting flyers on every flat surface?¡± Virgil asked. ¡°On other flyers?¡±

    ¡°Pretty much,¡± said Will. ¡°Everything. Ads on clothes, ads on billboards, ads on every webpage, ads that play before other ads. Ads all the way down.¡±

    Will generally tried to avoid mentioning the internet, especially because it made him homesick. Advertisements, at least, did not elicit that emotion.

    ¡°As much as I want to say Christmas is really about giving or family or faith or anything worth a damn, I don¡¯t really think that¡¯s true,¡± said Will. The thought surprised him. ¡°It¡¯s just¡­ nothing. An empty void you try to fill with whatever you can buy.¡±

    ¡°And you¡¯d really rather go back to that than stay here?¡± Virgil asked, which he immediately silently regretted.

    ¡°That¡¯s a great question,¡± Will said. He thought about last Christmas, which he¡¯d spent watching the same slew of holiday movies everybody watched, eating leftover pizza. It was the first and only Christmas he¡¯d spent totally alone, which at the time had felt liberating. ¡°Can I get back to you on that?¡±

    ¡°Sure,¡± said Virgil. ¡°Sorry I don¡¯t have anything to give you except the mug.¡±

    Will leaned back, looking up at the night sky. The moon here was different, as were the stars. With no light pollution they were so, so much brighter here. Will had been meaning to ask about constellations, but he never seemed to find the time.

    ¡°That¡¯s okay,¡± Will said. ¡°I don¡¯t know what I¡¯d ask for.¡±

    Glory did, but he didn¡¯t feel the need to share.

 Etymological Echinodermology

    Later that morning Dio was filling a fanny pack with hooks and knives. He was intently sharpening a thin kitchen knife against a whetstone when Will approached.

    ¡°Are you going fishing?¡± Will asked.

    ¡°What¡¯s it to you?¡± Dio said coolly.

    ¡°I¡¯d like to come with you,¡± Will said. ¡°I want to study the local ecology and take some notes and samples. You are a druid, right? So you should be able to help me understand it.¡±

    Dio allowed his facade to crack. ¡°Yeah, I¡¯ve been fishing this river for years. It¡¯s salmon season, so there¡¯ll be plenty of extra fish to poke at. Bears, too. Don¡¯t worry,¡± he paused to flex a bicep, ¡°I¡¯ll protect you.¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s early fall, right?¡± Will asked. ¡°So, if this is anything like home, it¡¯ll be coho salmon.¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s right!¡± Dio said excitedly. ¡°I¡¯m impressed that you knew that.¡±

    ¡°I study freshwater environments,¡± Will said. ¡°I was actually going to university for it before I ended up here.¡±

    ¡°Good,¡± said Dio. ¡°I¡¯m glad Virge found someone I can carry a conversation with. The other guys were totally uninterested in salmon migration. Can you imagine?¡±

    ¡°What were they like?¡± Will asked, grabbing a short, blunt knife designed for splitting open oysters. Dio handed him a leather purse, pointing to an insignia on the side calling it ¡°hammerspace certified.¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s not really my place to go into the details, but¡­ neither really respected the severity I think. They acted like this was all a big joke or a game.¡± Dio chuckled sadly. ¡°The first one was worse; way too handsy. He treated everyone like pieces of meat to handle.¡±

    ¡°And you didn¡¯t like that?¡± Will asked. He looked inside the bag Dio had given him and immediately regretted it, the vertigo the same as if he had just leaned too far forward on a tall building. Despite how nauseous he felt, he couldn¡¯t tear himself away for a moment.

    ¡°Well, I loved it.¡± Dio replied. ¡°But it bothered Virgil and eventually got on Rex¡¯s nerves too. The guy wouldn¡¯t take no for an answer.¡±

    ¡°And so you threw him off a cliff?¡±

    Dio grunted. ¡°Virgil¡¯s exaggerating. I only pushed him. And he definitely deserved it.¡±

    ¡°Mm. Okay. Is this magic bag safe to look inside?¡±

    ¡°Probably,¡± said Dio.

    ¡°Great,¡± said Will. ¡°I think we should get going before I feel the need to check again.¡±

    The trail Dio led Will down had been worn down by traffic, probably more than just the juggernaut of a man could make on his own. He actually seemed to step rather lightly through the forest, at least as well as Will now could. They walked in silence, except for the rush of the river and the birdsong in the trees.

    ¡°I¡¯m an earth dragon,¡± said Dio, apropos of nothing.

    ¡°Okay,¡± said Will.

    ¡°You were curious about what I am,¡± said Dio. ¡°The others were, at least, and you¡¯re more curious about everything else than they were.¡±

    Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon.

    ¡°I was,¡± said Will, and it was true. ¡°But I didn¡¯t want to ask. That felt¡­ weirdly personal, I guess.¡±

    ¡°It might¡¯ve been,¡± said Dio. ¡°Which is why I told you. Curiosity satisfied.¡±

    ¡°Thanks, I think?¡±

    ¡°Can I ask you something weirdly personal?¡± asked Dio.

    ¡°I can¡¯t promise I¡¯ll answer,¡± said Will. He paused to pick something off the ground; a flat, white disc that reminded Will of a sand dollar.

    ¡°If you could go home right now, would you?¡±

    Will pondered this, turning the weathered shell over in his hands. ¡°Like, right now right now?¡±

    ¡°Yeah,¡± said Dio. ¡°Just¡­ poof. Gone.¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t know,¡± said Will, and it was true. ¡°I¡¯ve never been good at snap decisions. I guess right now, I¡¯d want to see what the river environment is like, since we came out this far anyways. I¡¯m just¡­ naturally curious.¡±

    ¡°Good to know,¡± said Dio. ¡°since we¡¯re almost there. The spawning site is only a bit further down.¡±

    They came to a sharp curve that led the river down an obtuse angled waterfall, where it pooled into a long, fairly shallow lake. As Dio had said, there were several salmon splashing about, and many more salmon carcasses in varying states of decay.

    ¡°I¡¯m gonna find a fishing spot that smells less like rotten meat,¡± said Dio. ¡°Holler if you need anything.¡±

    ¡°Oh,¡± said Will. ¡°Okay.¡±

    Dio turned halfway towards Will. ¡°Do you want me to stick around?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯d appreciate your expertise,¡± said Will.

    Dio blushed a light green, which stood out strongly against his slate-gray skin. ¡°Oh, alright.¡±

    Will narrowed his eyes. ¡°Not you, too.¡±

    ¡°No, no, it¡¯s not that,¡± said Dio. ¡°Trust me.¡± he sat down on a large, moss-covered rock. ¡°It¡¯s just that most people don¡¯t see me as an expert on anything. Except maybe fighting or sex. I mean, I love fighting and sex, but¡­ I don¡¯t know. I don¡¯t know, this is stupid.¡±

    ¡°You want to be appreciated for more than your horny granite exterior?¡± Will asked.

    ¡°Yeah, sure,¡± said Dio, peridot blush spreading further. ¡°If you want to put it that way.¡±

    ¡°I get that,¡± said Will. He knelt back against a tree. ¡°I haven¡¯t been satisfied with this exterior either.¡±

    ¡°Nobody chooses how they¡¯re born,¡± said Dio. ¡°and I don¡¯t think anyone ever really gets over that.¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s quite insightful,¡± said Will.

    ¡°Thanks, I stole it from a traveling minister I fucked in a confessional booth.¡±

    ¡°That was at least three more details than I needed to know,¡± said Will. He mentally stopped himself from asking about the geometry of that scenario.

    ¡°Want me to make it four?¡± asked Dio.

    ¡°No. I¡¯m gonna start looking at fish carcasses.¡±

    ¡°Tough crowd tonight I see,¡± said Dio. He followed Will down to the waterline.

    ¡°Huh,¡± said Will. He had turned over a not-quite-deceased salmon with a stick and was looking at the underside. ¡°Sea urchins.¡±

    ¡°I do see some urchins,¡± said Dio. ¡°They¡¯re good eating if you know how to open one.¡±

    ¡°No no, sea urchins,¡± Will said. He poked one of them with the stick until it was separated from the fish. ¡°Although I suppose they wouldn¡¯t be sea urchins here.¡±

    ¡°An urchin is an urchin,¡± said Dio. He reached past Will to grab the creature of the water with a bare hand. He wiggled it around, inspecting it.

    ¡°Yeah, but isn¡¯t that a little ambiguous?¡± Will asked. He waded deeper into the lake in search of more invertebrates. ¡°¡®Urchin¡¯ is a word with multiple meanings.¡±

    ¡°When was the last time you used ¡®urchin¡¯ to describe something other than the animal?¡± asked Dio. He pulled the unfortunate echinoderm apart from the bottom as if he was peeling an orange, then scooped out its saffron-colored, edible gonads.

    ¡°Fair point,¡± said Will. ¡°Pass me that stick. I think there¡¯s some sea stars down here.¡±

 Basically Just Like a T. Rex

    Will and Dio continued to fish for several hours. Dio was butchering his most recent catches on a flattened stone, storing the quality meat away somewhere and simply eating the remaining bones and viscera with horrid crunching noises.

    Will had at some point grown tired of wading in the stream looking for freshwater invertebrates (which had taken a long time, as that was one of his favorite activities) and was now sitting on the riverbank, sketching Dio in profile as he worked.

    ¡°Make sure to get my good side,¡± Dio said without looking up.

    Will added that as a speech bubble, but didn¡¯t verbally acknowledge the statement. He spent a long while trying to get the pebbly texture of Dio¡¯s skin just right.

    ¡°Will. Listen. Do not move until I say so.¡± Dio said suddenly, levity gone.

    ¡°There is a tainted monster approaching us. Listen; you can hear the faint hiss.¡±

    Will did listen. His new caprine ears were much better at triangulating sounds, but he couldn¡¯t tell where it was coming from. There was a gentle hissing, though, like the sound of air escaping a ziploc back. ¡°Where?¡±

    Dio made no motion other than to speak. ¡°Above and behind you. It climbed up a tree. It camouflages itself, but the leaves it¡¯s mimicking do not rustle.¡±

    ¡°And what? It¡¯s just standing there? What¡¯s it doing?¡± Will asked, trying very hard to avoid looking back.

    ¡°I don¡¯t know,¡± Dio said gravely. ¡°Normally it would attack instantly. It must be waiting for the perfect opportunity.¡±

    ¡°And?¡± Will asked.

    ¡°We deny that opportunity.¡±

    Dio threw the knife he had been using on fish over Will¡¯s shoulder. There was a pained wheeze as it pierced the lizardlike leg of the tainted, pinning it. Will got to his feet and turned around in a single motion, where the creature was sawing off its own leg with a sharp, spiny tail.

    The whole creature was hard to see, as it reactively camouflaged itself even as it squirmed in pain. It seemed to be about crocodile-sized, shaped like a huge, six-legged chameleon. Its bulbous form and impossible lightness suggested it was full of some lighter-than-air gas, which would also explain the wheezing.

    Three eyes attempted to focus on Will as the tainted darted around the clearing by the branches of trees, launching itself to and fro like a cannonball. He ducked the charges once, then twice, but the third smashed him in the back and sent him tumbling into the river.

    Enjoying this book? Seek out the original to ensure the author gets credit.

    What must have been the chameleon¡¯s tongue grabbed him by the back of the neck.

    The grip was stronger, more visceral than mere suction should have been, and Will realized that four human hands, arranged like the petals of a flower, were gripping his neck and the back of his head.

    Distantly, he noticed that it wasn¡¯t attempting to strangle him, merely hold on. More immediately, he was kept from screaming bloody murder only by the fact that his face was in the water. Why did everything he fought have to be so goddamn gross?

    This was interrupted by the chameleon pulling him up, using the tensile strength of its tongue to pull back and smash into him, like he was trapped in the world¡¯s suckiest game of paddleball. It repeated this twice more, leaving Will dazed and bruised and dangerously close to getting the air knocked out of him.

    There was a guttural roar from somewhere, and something huge and heavy leapt over Will, pulling down the tainted and pulling Will back up. What looked like a crystal-horned carnotaurus was tearing the creature to shreds, ripping through its underbelly like a komodo dragon.

    ¡°Dio?¡± Will asked, assessing his neck. Thankfully, this tainted¡¯s long, projectile tongue appeared to be nonvenomous. He felt a throbbing pain in his chest, and hazarded a guess that he had broken at least one rib.

    The new creature spit out a chunk of rancid meat. ¡°In the flesh,¡± it said. It folded in on itself and transformed back into Dio, who promptly washed his hands and face in the river. ¡°Seven scribes that tastes vile. Next time I shapeshift into something with claws. Or a stinger.¡±

    ¡°Come here,¡± Dio continued. ¡°The water¡¯s restorative properties are diluted somewhat this far from the spring, but I can use it to jump-start some healing.¡±

    Wordlessly Will approached, and Dio poured a cupped handful of glowing water on Will¡¯s chest as he tilted the satyr back.

    ¡°Fuck,¡± Will said, getting back to his feet. ¡°That fucking sucked.¡±

    Dio laughed. ¡°Yeah, looked like it.¡±

    ¡°Thank you,¡± Will said, rubbing his neck. He could still feel the clammy grip even after his bruises had healed. ¡°I don¡¯t know what I would¡¯ve done without you there.¡±

    ¡°Die, probably,¡± Dio said. ¡°Which wouldn¡¯t have been ideal.¡±

    ¡°Thanks,¡± Will said flatly. ¡°I¡¯m trying to avoid doing that wherever possible.¡±

    ¡°We should head back,¡± Dio said. ¡°I don¡¯t want to deal with anything else that dangerous today.¡±

    ¡°Agreed,¡± Will said. He looked down at his sketchbook, which was sitting on the bank of the river. Despite the struggle, it had miraculously avoided getting splashed. ¡°I need to take some notes, first.¡±

    Flipping to the opposite side of the book as the Dio sketch, Will tried to outline the monster¡¯s appearance and behavior while it was still totally fresh in his mind and, as it so happened, on the ground. He flipped the sketchbook to show Dio. ¡°Does this look accurate to you?¡± he asked.

    ¡°It had three eyes, not two,¡± Dio said. ¡°I think I ripped the third one out. Mention in your report that it tasted like moldy ground beef.¡±

    Will jotted down ¡°Possible fungal symbiont?¡± then snapped the book shut. He turned to where the monster had perished. The meat and bones were dissolving to mush as though he was watching a timelapse of something decaying, which he found disquieting. ¡°Let¡¯s get out of here, shall we?¡±

 Will Uses the I-Word

    ¡°Oh thank goodness you¡¯re okay,¡± said Glory to Will as the latter arrived back at the estate. Magic and what Dio had called his ¡°natural regenerative powers¡± had dulled much of his pain, but Will still felt like he¡¯d run a marathon and then punched in the gut so hard he had to throw up.

    Instantly Glory¡¯s healing put Dio¡¯s to shame, enveloping Will in energy that he could only describe as feeling the way snickerdoodle cookies tasted. It took a somewhat distressing amount of focus on Will¡¯s part to not collapse into the warmth, but he managed to keep himself alert until Glory felt satisfied with his handiwork.

    ¡°What did you run into out there?¡± Glory asked, which Will realized was for the benefit of Virgil and Rex, who were only just catching up.

    ¡°Tainted,¡± said Will. ¡°Just one though. It looked sort of like a chameleon crossed with a balloon. It was spying on us in the forest, then ambushed us.¡±

    ¡°Spying? Ambushed?¡± Glory asked. ¡°No, that¡¯s not right. That¡¯s not right at all.¡±

    ¡°What do you mean?¡± asked Will, though he was worried he knew the answer.

    ¡°The tainted don¡¯t employ ambush tactics.¡± Glory said. ¡°They don¡¯t deploy any tactics at all, really. They chase after people until they or their quarry drop dead. If they¡¯re starting to make these kinds of moves, then either they¡¯re getting smarter, or someone¡¯s figured out how to control them. Both of these are potentially very, very bad.¡±

    ¡°What do we do, then?¡± asked Will.

    ¡°I think taking notes as you¡¯re doing now is vital,¡± said Glory. ¡°But past that, I¡¯m not sure. If there¡¯s a way to figure out where they¡¯re getting direction from, it¡¯d need to be found in the moment, and I don¡¯t know if there¡¯s a way to predict their next move. We need to be alert. Actually, that gives me an idea.¡±

    Glory pulled a stack of papers from nowhere. ¡°I¡¯ve been working on these since you started keeping notes,¡± he said, as if Will hadn¡¯t started keeping notes yesterday evening.

    Will took one. It was some kind of form outlining a way to describe Tainted encounters, including appearance, location, and notable abilities one might possess. It also included a mailing address, which Will assumed would be where Glory picked them up from. ¡°Not bad,¡± Will said, returning the page. ¡°It¡¯s like citizen science. Citizen monster-hunting.¡±

    ¡°Thank you. I was intending to start distributing these at a later date, but we could use the information as fast as possible,¡± said Glory. ¡°We can drop these off at the post office on the way to the train station.¡±

    Will managed to avoid asking ¡°You guys have trains?¡± by instead asking ¡°You guys have post offices?¡± which earned him a flat look from Glory.

    ¡°Yes. The fastest way to our quest is by train,¡± said Glory. ¡°The Revel of Daphnis is a popular tourist destination.¡±

    ¡°What exactly is this quest?¡± said Will. ¡°A revel is like a party, right?¡±

    ¡°The object we need to send you home is the seed of a warp flower. Daphnis¡¯s gardens are the only place where they can be cultivated artificially,¡± explained Virgil, helpfully producing a small vial from his pocket, which contained some dirt and a tiny sliver of foliage. ¡°We¡¯ll be trading this Arcadian laurel sprout for the warp flower seed.¡±

    ¡°Arcadian laurel?¡± Will asked. ¡°What¡¯s it do that''s worth that kind of trade?¡±

    ¡°Only a few seedlings are grown each year,¡± said Virgil. ¡°Most are given as prizes in the Arcadian games, but every year one is sent to Daphnis by his lover Polybius.¡±

    Will stifled a short laugh.

    ¡°What¡¯s so funny?¡± Virgil asked, putting the sprout back away.

    ¡°It¡¯s hard to explain,¡± said Will. ¡°Uh, Polybius is the name of a fictional arcade game from the eighties.¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s about forty years ago,¡± supplied Glory.

    ¡°Yes," Will said, prickling at the interruption. "It¡¯s an old urban legend. People thought the game was the government spying on people, or scrambling their brains, or it was actually aliens, or whatever. It doesn¡¯t matter. It¡¯s just a funny coincidence.¡±

    ¡°Arcadia is known for its games, actually,¡± said Virgil. ¡°And Polybius is their patron. Perhaps it¡¯s not as much a coincidence as it seems.¡±

    ¡°Right. Next time I¡¯ll get isekai¡¯d to a universe with less contrived puns,¡± said Will. ¡°So: Laurel. Party. Warp flower. Home sweet home. Seems simple enough. What¡¯s the catch?¡±

    ¡°Must there always be a catch?¡± said Glory. ¡°The laurel is rare and valuable, but fairly hardy, and we¡¯ll be taking the train most of the way there.¡±

    ¡°There¡¯s always a catch,¡± said Will firmly. ¡°Like the train¡¯s going to be a giant millipede or we¡¯ll get into a train robbery and I¡¯ll have to fight someone on the roof while we¡¯re passing through a tunnel, or something.¡±

    ¡°Don¡¯t be ridiculous,¡± said Glory. ¡°The train is a giant centipede.¡±

    This story has been stolen from Royal Road. If you read it on Amazon, please report it

    Two days later Will had to admit that the centipede train was actually pretty cool. The train was in reality pulled by a team of giant centipedes which regularly traded off. Unable to contain his curiosity, Will had asked to see the engine room immediately upon arrival, and spent an hour drawing and writing notes about the operation.

    The ¡°normal¡± size for the giant centipedes was about six feet long, and two were temporarily magically enlarged to pull the train. The five other centipedes who would pull the train later were resting in a long, winding pile. Their caretaker, an older, hirsute elf, had been more than willing to indulge Will¡¯s curiosity.

    With permission, Will pet one of the centipedes on the head, and it leaned into his touch like a lazy, affectionate dog. As he scratched its head he felt like he had taken a detailed X-ray of it, and summoned the strange, spiritual creature he shared with Virgil in the form of one. It skittered around him, rippling in pink-gold light, before vanishing again.

    The elven caretaker had raised an eyebrow at the sight, but didn¡¯t visibly express surprise. ¡°That¡¯s unusual,¡± he said diplomatically. ¡°Only summoners are normally able to hold together such a solid incarnation like that.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m sharing it,¡± Will said sheepishly. ¡°I think. I¡¯m not actually sure how it works.¡±

    ¡°How much do you know about such entities?¡±

    ¡°Not very,¡± said Will. ¡°I only started working with them recently.¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s a piece of a much, much larger concept,¡± said the elf. ¡°It¡¯s both a reflection of the concept in miniature, and a small part of it. The Hunter embodies the act of consumption, of taking. Most obviously, through literal predation, but also the hunt for knowledge. I¡¯m unsurprised it connects so easily with you.¡±

    Will turned away to hide his mild embarrassment. ¡°Uh, thank you. I think. I should probably head back to the passenger section.¡±

    ¡°If you wish,¡± the elf said. ¡°But I think the engines wouldn¡¯t mind another visit. Most people are not so gentle with them.¡±

    Because of the width required to keep a pair of centipedes pulling the train, the cars were boxy and almost as wide as they were long. Glory was hiding within Virgil, who was sitting next to a window at a table, watching the countryside roll by. Rex and Dio were playing some kind of card game at another table, so Will sat across from Virgil.

    ¡°Does Glory have any maps of the area?¡± Will asked. ¡°I can¡¯t believe it didn¡¯t occur to me to ask for one sooner.¡±

    Virgil looked away, as if receiving a call, which wasn¡¯t necessarily inaccurate. ¡°Geological or political?¡±

    ¡°Geological,¡± said Will. Virgil nodded and a rolled-up atlas appeared from the table as if shot out of a tube and landed with a bounce.

    Will unfurled the map and spread it across the table. Virgil held up a finger, which glowed lavender along with a point on the map. ¡°We¡¯re here,¡± he said, and then lit another point to the northeast. ¡°And our destination is here.¡±

    ¡°There¡¯s a little symbol of a hand and an eye there,¡± said Will. ¡°And there are others on the map, too. What are those?¡±

    ¡°Each of those is the domain of one of the Seven Scribes, and is a sacred place infused with their essence.¡± Virgil said. ¡°Many, like the Revel, are also popular destinations.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯ve heard them mentioned before,¡± said Will. ¡°The scribes, that is. What are they? Like, gods? Demigods?¡±

    Virgil looked as though he¡¯d been slapped. ¡°Oh, no no no no no. They are not gods. Just the opposite: the scribes are slayers of gods; iconoclasts who upended the rule of the gods.¡±

    ¡°Huh,¡± said Will, who didn¡¯t know what to say to that. ¡°Okay. Good to know. I¡­ won¡¯t make that mistake again.¡±

    ¡°Oh, it¡¯s alright,¡± said Virgil. ¡°I¡¯d assume the gods of your homeworld are nicer and undeserving of being butchered like feral beasts.¡±

    ¡°Oh, yeah,¡± said Will. ¡°For sure.¡±

    ¡°Oh yes, that reminds me,¡± said Virgil, his eyes lighting up. ¡°We were on¡­ what was it, Paras, right? I love the drawing you showed me of it, it¡¯s so cute! If anything bad were to happen to it I¡¯d never recover. What did you say it evolved into, again?¡±

    ¡°Uh,¡± said Will. There was a sound like an explosion somewhere further down the train, then an ominous buzzing somewhere between a swarm of locusts and several motorcycles. ¡°Oh thank fucking god,¡± Will whispered to himself as the back door of the traincar was blasted open.

    A snake-headed man in a western vest stepped through the smoke. His long neck curled as he scanned the room, making eye contact with Virgil. ¡°You!¡± he said, pointing a finger at the halfling.

    His right hand was engulfed in circling runes and started glowing hot white like molten metal. ¡°Have something I want.¡±

    Virgil ducked as a bolt of flame burst from the snake-man¡¯s finger and ricocheted through a window, leaving a melted hole through it.

    Two more thugs emerged from behind the snake-man; one with an octopoid hand and one with a face like a star-nosed mole. Each of them wore the same faintly silly western vest.

    ¡°Don¡¯t make this difficult,¡± said the octopus. ¡°Give us the laurel and we¡¯ll leave you be.¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s not what we said at the warmup,¡± said the mole-man, holding a hand as if to muffle his voice.

    ¡°Well, don¡¯t tell them that!¡± the octopus whispered back.

    The snake fired another blast through the roof of the car. ¡°Shut up!¡± he said, turning to glare at each of them in succession. ¡°Hand over the¡ª¡±

    His voice was cut off by a table to the face, courtesy of Dio. The table had been previously bolted to the wall, which made its sudden eviction all the more surprising.

    ¡°You¡¯ll have to take it,¡± said Dio proudly, assuming a defensive position. ¡°Off my dead body.¡±

    ¡°That can be arranged,¡± said the snake-man, who was quite dazed but still able to get to his feet.

    From the window next to Dio burst another vested animal-man, this time a shiny black wasp, which kicked him back and stung him between the shoulderblades. Dio grabbed his assailant by the waist and smashed him to the ground, but fell limp on top of him, twitching.

    ¡°A tarantula hawk,¡± Will realized. ¡°He¡¯s not gonna be able to move for a while,¡± he said, to which Dio groaned in agreement.

    The wasp-man was now pinned and so equally immobilized, but he didn¡¯t bother struggling. He even looked a bit smug. Will got the feeling the wasp had already done all he needed to.

    ¡°Hah,¡± said the snake. He pointed a finger at Dio¡¯s head and appeared to charge a shot. ¡°When you get to hell, tell ¡®em Phoenix Firebrat sent ya.¡±

 He Fell Exhausted in the Ditch, Not Knowing How To Run

    There was a sharp BANG! as Phoenix fired, and while Will expected to be horrified he was frankly more perplexed by what he saw. Dio¡¯s limp body appeared to dissolve into white light, leaving behind a blue, Dio-shaped apparition who drifted up, apparently asleep. Red veins pulsed along the blue flesh, throbbing unpleasantly and erratically and clumping around his heart. Was that the taint? And did that mean that was Dio¡¯s soul?

    The wasp-man¡¯s body was also dissolving, leaving a similar blue apparition. He had similar lines of sickly red crisscrossing his body, but they were smaller and less dense than Dio¡¯s.

    Once again on pure instinct, Will struck forward with his whip, grabbing both of the souls. Both vanished, and Will felt their weight within his chest. He couldn¡¯t communicate with either of them, but he could feel Dio¡¯s relief and Cecil the wasp¡¯s confusion.

    ¡°Hey!¡± said the snake-man, annoyed. ¡°That was my underling¡¯s soul! Give it back!¡±

    He fired thrice more in quick succession, forcing Will, Virgil, and Rex to scatter. Glorious Purpose emerged in front of Virgil, unfurling his wings widely to act as a shield.

    ¡°The firearm spell has a limited number of shots before it must recharge,¡± said Glory. ¡°Phoenix has just reloaded; after another six shots, we¡¯ll have a chance.¡±

    Phoenix fired once to each of Glory¡¯s sides, which the angel blocked with two wings, then directly at Glory¡¯s chest, which struck true, sending him tumbling backwards. Then, another shot at Virgil, who responded with a violet shield of energy shaped like a beetle, bouncing the shot back and through one of the octopus-man¡¯s tentacles, who yelped. Then, a shot at Rex, who blocked it with a twist of the metal floor. Then, the sixth shot at Will, who leapt from his position with a portion of the wasp¡¯s grace, bouncing to an upright position between the posse of train robbers and Virgil, roughly where Dio had been.

    He felt his immediate connection to Cecil¡¯s soul drain, maybe by half. Will didn¡¯t know what else he could do with it, or with Dio¡¯s, but he had the unshakable feeling he would know when the time came, and that if he didn¡¯t use it, it would dissipate when the soul¡¯s owner respawned. Will wished this whole soulmaster thing came with a more front-loaded instruction manual.

    The bold motion had cowed Phoenix and the octopus back slightly, as the snake paused to reload. The mole stepped forward, massive claws bared. He apparently needed no other weapon, but the claws did glow with a faint orange light. They slashed at empty air as Will pirouetted back, slashing through the mole with his whip.

    The mole¡¯s mind was guarded tightly, like it was blocked by a lead wall. While it allowed the whip to pass through, nothing mental could be gleaned, not even his name. What Will could understand was raw, physical instincts; he knew the whip still hurt, thankfully, and he knew suddenly how strangely the mole perceived the world; he was nearly totally blind, and relied on scent and touch, with a little bit of hearing.

    Academically Will had known this was true, at least of non-anthropomorphic moles, but the difference between knowing and understanding made all the difference.

    ¡°Glory!¡± Will shouted, as he danced in and out of the mole¡¯s comparatively short melee range, ¡°Take over with the mole.¡±

    Faster than should be possible Glory slipped from the back of the train car to right beside Will, intercepting the mole¡¯s claws with grace and ease. Since Glory made no vibrations on the floor and as far as Will could tell smelled of nothing at all, he was functionally imperceptible, as far as moles were concerned.

    The octopus attempted to grapple Will as he juked, but each tentacle was highly sensitive to pain, as Will found out. The octopus¡¯s mind was as impenetrable as the mole¡¯s had been, but through physiological understanding Will knew that his tentacles had half a mind of their own, meaning quick, ribboning slices made approach difficult as each individual arm was easily cowed. The octopus, too, was confused and unnerved by something here.

    On either side of the melee, Phoenix and Rex traded projectile blows, bursts of molten or twisted metal careening haphazardly. Once, Rex grabbed a molten shot from the air, bouncing it between his hands like a one-player game of hot potato, then threw it back with increased mass and speed.

    ¡°Hm,¡± said Glory in a manner that expressed feigned disinterest while inviting clarification.

    ¡°What?¡± said Will, who was beginning to lose ground as the octopus supplanted his grappling attempts with ever more arms.

    ¡°Their minds are shielded quite completely. A very powerful ward designed to block anything mental at all.¡±

    ¡°I noticed that too. What does it mean?¡± Will asked, as Glory wanted him to.

    ¡°At the moment, it means I cannot read their next move. More broadly, I don¡¯t know. It may mean something, or maybe it doesn¡¯t. It¡¯s an unusual, extreme precaution, complete overkill against something like you or me.¡±

    Phoenix roared impatiently and extended his palm forward. A blast of fire consumed almost all of the traincar, scorching friend and foe alike. The fire itself burned only mildly, and felt to Will like a slightly-too-hot shower, but it left everyone momentarily dazed. The snake leapt and lunged past everyone in the fight, intent on snatching the laurel seedling from Virgil.

    Virgil came to in time for him to throw the vial to Rex, who threw it to Will, who caught it and immediately stashed it away.

    Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon.

    ¡°Run!¡± said Glory, though Will didn¡¯t need the hint. A flurry of flaming blasts trailed him as he ran through the busted back door of the traincar, then bounded through the next one. It had been blown partially open; an entryway for Phoenix and his gang.

    Passengers looked at him with momentary, distant interest, as though the gaping hole in the train and ensuing battle were as unexpected as a vending cart. Perhaps this was true, for all Will knew. He didn¡¯t have time to follow this train of logic, because just behind him the octopus gangster was chasing him.

    There were a limited number of cars for Will to run down, he knew, so he scrambled for a solution. Hopefully, his friends could keep the other gang members distracted as he plotted. The octopus was surprisingly swift, unbothered by obstructions such as chairs or annoyed passengers.

    Will ran out onto a flat, open-air car, lined with fencing and with wooden picnic tables bolted tightly to the floor. The train was presently traveling too fast to eat comfortably, but Will was struck with the sudden desire to have lunch here anyways. Perhaps another time, he decided.

    The octopus burst forth, only just behind him, and Will decided this was when he¡¯d make his move. With a meditative thought, the piece of Predation he shared with Virgil appeared, again in the form of a centipede. In an organic mimicry of his whip it skittered fluidly, nipping at the felonious mollusc¡¯s heels.

    While it twined around them, disrupting the octopus¡¯s balance and keeping him moving, Will struck, using a portion of Dio¡¯s strength to shove the octopus hard and sending him sliding back with the unpleasant, moist sound of damp flesh sliding against metal. The octopus wrapped an arm around part of the fence to steady himself, but the centipede headbutted him, sending him tumbling off the side, dangling desperately by a single, strained arm.

    ¡°Help! Help me, please!¡± the octopus said, genuinely terrified. The legs of the centipedes would certainly not grind someone to pulp in the same way a train¡¯s wheels would, but it would still be a nasty fall followed by a serious trampling, stranding him in the middle of nowhere.

    ¡°Truce?¡± Will asked coolly. He was actually quite unwilling to leave this stranger, despite their ongoing battle, but the octopus didn¡¯t need to know that.

    ¡°Yes, yes, please, just help me up!¡± the octopus begged further. Will could hear a commotion in the previous car, and decided he was done dragging this out. He extended a hand for the octopus to take, their combined power able to pull him up.

    Just as he helped the octopus to his feet, or what approximated feet for an octopus, there was a snap from behind Will as his bag was snipped and stolen, then a boot to his back sent him tumbling. The octopus attempted to grab him, and did succeed, when his tentacle was blown clean off by a gout of fire from Phoenix, who was now holding Will¡¯s bag.

    ¡°Sorry!¡± the octopus said, and to his credit he did sound genuinely surprised and apologetic. Phoenix only smiled as Will fell, rolling out of the way to avoid the steps of the suddenly all-too-large train centipede.

    Will got to his feet as fast as he could, but the train was already passing him. He bolted as fast as he could after a tumble like that, but he was no match for the unceasing speed of the train.

    ¡°Will!¡± Glory said, and for a moment Will looked in every direction, unable to see where Glory¡¯s voice had come from. But, of course, Glory spoke psychically, and didn¡¯t need to speak from any direction. ¡°Will, where are you? You fell off the train? Damn, okay, Phoenix pushed you?¡±

    Glory said all of this without Will consciously thinking anything, of course. ¡°I¡¯m magically extending my range of telepathy,¡± the angel supplied helpfully. ¡°You¡¯ll need a way to catch up. Rex is apprehending the last of these scoundrels as we speak, but I don¡¯t know how to get you here. No, I can¡¯t pull you through any kind of hole, unless you¡¯re suddenly as boneless as that octopus. If it matters, the train is moving at 30 kilometers per hour.¡±

    That did matter, actually. Will resummoned the aspect of Predation, wracking his brain for any figures he could remember on animal speed. A cheetah, certainly, but that would hardly carry his weight. Something big enough to carry him produced hard limits. Something aquatic could swim through air, if the anomalocarid form was anything to go off of, but something he could reasonably hold on to meant most fish would be unsuitable.

    Will decided what he needed. He sat, letting the centipede curl into a figure eight in front of him as he concentrated. He closed his eyes and imagined the first simple swimming things, lancelets, fish, but kept going. Amphibians, leaving the waters. Reptiles, colonizing the dry land. Then, returning, once again slipping under the waves, returning to the sea they had spent so much leaving behind.

    When Will opened his eyes, the huge form of a leatherback sea turtle, shimmering in waves of gold, pink, and purple, looked up at him placidly. Despite appearances, it was a true hunter; no jellyfish was safe from its cavernous maw. It would do. It had to do.

    Will gripped tightly onto the turtle¡¯s shoulders, and it began swimming through the air, picking up speed. Its mind, something Will had never really thought deeply about, was a strange jumble of emotions and feelings and sensations of the past and future. It seemed to draw parallels between everything it did and echoes of the past; each hunt a recursive memory of each past hunt. Fascinating.

    The turtle moved at a good clip, and Will caught up to the train in only a few minutes. It flipped over, depositing him back on the flat traincar he had been pushed off of, and vanished. It felt tired, and Will wished he knew how to tell it ¡®good job.¡¯

    Just a car over Glory, Rex, and Virgil were waiting, each of the gangsters apparently knocked out and tied up, except for the octopus, who was shoved in a large glass bottle with air holes poked in it. When Virgil saw Will, he smiled, wiggling the returned vial up triumphantly.

    ¡°Dio will be returned to life probably late this evening once we have a secure place to rest,¡± Glory said, reading Will¡¯s worry and assuaging it. ¡°Good work improvising on your own, back there.¡±

    ¡°Thanks,¡± said Will, nudging the bottled octopus with a hoof. ¡°What are we gonna do with these guys?¡±

    ¡°We¡¯ll turn them in in Revelwood, which is the city that has built itself up around Daphnis,¡± Glory said. ¡°After that, they¡¯ll be the law¡¯s problem.¡±

    ¡°Awesome. Great. Is that all?¡± Will asked tiredly.

    ¡°Well, for saving the train we get free dinner in the dining car,¡± said Virgil, sounding rather pleased with himself despite how much cowering he had previously done.

    Will considered this. ¡°Yeah, that makes enough sense that I won¡¯t question it.¡±

    Rex made a triumphant whistling noise and signed something including what Will now understood was his own name.

    ¡°Rex suggests that you¡¯re beginning to learn,¡± said Glory unamusedly. ¡°What exactly you¡¯re beginning to learn I cannot possibly imagine.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯ve decided I don¡¯t care,¡± said Will after another moment of deliberation. ¡°I just want something to eat.¡±

 Well See the Satyr Skater Waiter Later

    The grove of Daphnis wasn¡¯t what Will had expected. The little town that had sprouted around it seemed... normal, perhaps even a bit boring, but the grove itself was something else entirely. It looked to him like a huge gala had been set up in the middle of the forest, a fancy celebration for the benefit of some inscrutable natural force. Thick tree trunks formed circular tables upon which sat trays of food, like a massive buffet. From the way people crowded around them, this might have been exactly accurate.

    A satyr in a dapper vest and nothing else offered a tray of what looked like little sliders or stuffed rolls to Glory, then to each of them in turn without ever fully stopping. The grace with which he moved struck Will as slightly off. Dio grabbed a large handful and Will took one with a quiet ¡°thank you.¡±

    ¡°These aren¡¯t cursed, right?¡± asked Will as he poked the sandwich open. It appeared to be a small fish sandwich, but instead of a savory condiment, what looked like baked apples had been spooned on top. ¡°Like I¡¯ll be willing and able to leave after eating it?¡±

    ¡°The food here is entirely mundane,¡± said Virgil, taking some kind of colorful drink from another satyr waiter. ¡°Just sometimes peculiar. Daphnis is known for his adventurous palette.¡±

    Unable to see somewhere to discard food and unwilling to drop it on the ground, Will instead took an apprehensive bite of the apple-fish sandwich. To his surprise, it wasn¡¯t bad at all.

    Glory tapped a passing satyr on the shoulder with a wing, who turned in surprise and seemed to trip on something. Will, who avoided looking down as a matter of habit, did so, and realized that each satyr hadn¡¯t actually been walking, but standing on a smooth plank, like the deck of a skateboard, that slid frictionlessly across the grass.

    Despite never having skateboarded, or, as he decided what a more accurate comparison might be, surfed in his life, Will was struck by a burning desire to try it.

    ¡°Lord Daphnis is that way,¡± said the satyr as he got to his feet and pointed somewhere to the far right. ¡°You can¡¯t miss him.¡±

    ¡°Thank you,¡± said Glory. ¡°I apologize for startling you.¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s alright,¡± he said. He turned slightly to make eye contact with Will. ¡°I wouldn¡¯t mind a tip, though.¡±

    ¡°Not tonight I¡¯m afraid,¡± said Glory, covering Dio¡¯s mouth and confiscating Rex¡¯s whistle. ¡°We¡¯re on urgent business.¡±

    ¡°Wait,¡± Will said. ¡°Before you go. Where can I get one of those boards?¡±

    The satyr gave him a puzzled, slightly annoyed look. ¡°Just grow one, dude,¡± he said, before surfing off again.

    Glory returned Rex¡¯s whistle and retracted his wings. To Will, he psychically whispered ¡°I can show you how later. And, because you¡¯re now unsure, yes, you also have square pupils.¡±

    Will was briefly unhappy until he tried a cupcake that somehow had a core of fresh banana, which was good enough to lighten his mood.

    There was a booming laugh from ahead, and an entire tree shook back and forth. Then, Will realized it wasn¡¯t a tree, but a huge deer whose antlers blended into and interlocked with the branches of the forest. ¡°Is that Daphnis?¡± Will asked, pointing at the deer.

    ¡°No,¡± said Virgil. ¡°That¡¯s his jailer.¡±

    Daphnis-or at least who Will presumed was Daphnis- was sitting cross-legged on the ground at a bonfire-slash-table opposite the titanic deer. He was still huge: though he was seated he was still at least eight feet tall not including his horns, which like the deer¡¯s were huge and winding.

    Daphnis was a satyr, just like Will and the waiters. Golden chains were wrapped around one of his arms, his legs, and his neck, holding him in place with his back to a huge, thick tree stump. He was held quite tightly from what Will could see, but he was clearly having the time of his life telling something to someone seated next to him.

    ¡°Lord Daphnis!¡± Virgil shouted, but the titan didn¡¯t appear to hear him. ¡°Lord Daphnis, we bring a gift!¡±

    ¡°Is it food?¡± someone who was not Daphnis shouted back.

    ¡°No!¡± Virgil shouted, cupping his hands together. ¡°It is a gift from Lord Polybius of Arcadia!¡±

    The crowd around Daphnis suddenly fell silent, and Will could practically feel the spike of animal terror that gripped Virgil as everyone focused on him. Significantly more quietly, Virgil squeaked out ¡°It¡¯s an Arcadian laurel.¡±

    This story has been taken without authorization. Report any sightings.

    ¡°Well,¡± Daphnis boomed expectantly. ¡°Bring it here.¡±

    Virgil took a stiff step forward, then handed the vial to Glory, who floated around the bonfire until he was standing next to the giant satyr, barely coming up to Dapnis¡¯ knee. An attendant, who was either wearing an antlered helmet or simply had antlers, took it and uncorked the vial. With great ceremony he took the germinating seed and planted it in a terracotta pot that Will could¡¯ve sworn hadn¡¯t been there a moment ago.

    Green swirls of magic encircled the pot, stimulating the plant¡¯s growth. It didn¡¯t look like a laurel to Will, though, and the magic suddenly turned a vicious red as the plant began growing out of control, leaves sharpening to wicked thorns.

    Partygoers started backing away as the plant grew more and more, siphoning magic from the men who had been stimulating its growth.

    Daphnis looked only mildly disappointed as the plant swelled larger and larger, stalks and branches arranging into limbs and heads, wrapping around anything and anyone they could.

    ¡°A nettle hydra!¡± Glory exposited, shielding his immediate area with a sweep of his wings. Virgil ducked behind him as a snapping ball of spikes and eyes tried to snap at him, where Will sliced through it in turn.

    The hydra¡¯s mind, or soul, or whatever it was, was difficult for Will to grasp. What he could tell was that was confused, angry, and above all starving. It was desperately searching for food, the imperative overpowering everything else. Despite appearances it had no true mouths, instead, the innumerable thorns and barbs it was covered in drained blood from its victims as it thrashed.

    The nettle hydra was still growing, limbs and flowery heads extending in every direction searching for food. Virgil was kneeling on the ground, digging lines in the circle, concentric rings and spirals Will felt he recognized from somewhere. The halfling mumbled something to himself as he worked, stopping and re-starting as he perfected some geometry that only made sense to him. Whatever he was doing kept most of the brambles at bay, and Will and Rex worked quickly to cut off any that forced their way through.

    One thorny branch managed to hook around Will¡¯s leg, and nearly managed to pull him down. Will snapped himself free, but the wounds were bleeding rapidly even from superficial cuts. Just like most sanguivores, the nettle hydra thinned its victim¡¯s blood, and distantly Will observed that where his blood pooled on the ground, the nettle burrowed into the soil and sprouted a carpet of tiny, white flowers.

    Through the thickening tangle Will could see Daphnis, who was still looking nonplussed by the whole situation. Vines and stalks attempted to drain him, but any that touched him withered away as if burnt. His jailer, whatever it really was, wasn¡¯t as lucky, and the animalistic scream the giant buck made as the hydra began draining it thundered in Will¡¯s ears.

    ¡°That¡¯s quite ENOUGH!¡± Daphnis shouted, wrenching his hand forward. For a moment, the whole stump pulled forward before the chain snapped. Daphnis grabbed part of the hydra and crushed it in his grip, the entire body dissolving from its center into pale flower petals.

    As quickly as his temper rose it fell, and the chains that bound Daphnis to the stump reformed. Panicked survivors got to shaky feet, most still visibly bleeding.

    ¡°You,¡± Daphnis said, pointing his free hand at Glory. ¡°Explain.¡±

    ¡°Lord Daphnis, you must know we had no intention of setting loose such a creature,¡± Glory stammered. ¡°I have no idea how the laurel seed was replaced with a nettle hydra¡¯s.¡±

    ¡°I believe you, angel,¡± said Daphnis. ¡°So I trust you to find whoever was responsible, and bring them to justice. I understand you had a favor to ask of me? Consider this the new trade. Bring me the traitor¡¯s head, and I¡¯ll supply you with whatever plant you need.¡±

    ¡°Allow me to assist with cleanup, first,¡± Glory said. ¡°I would be happy to tend¡ª¡±

    ¡°It will be handled,¡± said Daphnis. ¡°Waste no more time.¡±

    Glory started to say something, then stopped. ¡°As you wish, Lord Daphnis.¡±

    As they left the Revel Will attempted to comfort Glory.

    ¡°You couldn¡¯t have known that would happen,¡± he said in his best reassuring voice. ¡°It was¡­ espionage, or something. A trick.¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t know who could have tricked the quest office like that,¡± said Glory, lost in thought. ¡°They¡¯re almost impossible to fool. And they would never do it themselves.¡±

    ¡°What times would it have been possible to pull the trick at all?¡± prompted Will. ¡°If we can narrow it down, we can search¡ª¡±

    ¡°I know who it was,¡± said Virgil suddenly. ¡°It was those bandits. They must¡¯ve swapped it while we were distracted in the fight. They weren¡¯t trying to steal the laurel at all; they were trying to pull that switcheroo.¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s plausible,¡± Glory said, sounding pleasantly surprised, and more convinced as he continued. ¡°In that case, it¡¯s as simple as heading into town and bringing them back here, especially if we can extract a confession. Easy as can be.¡±

    Will could tell something was wrong as soon as they arrived at the guardhouse. The security was light, but no prisoner seemed interested in attempting an escape; the three goons from the heist were all huddled around Phoenix, crowding around him to the snake¡¯s obvious annoyance.

    ¡°Oh, thank goodness,¡± the snake said upon seeing Glory. ¡°An angel. Listen,¡± he paused to shove away Cecil the wasp, ¡°you gotta tell them, they¡¯ll believe you. The guards and these hooligans keep telling me I¡¯m supposed to be locked up, that I¡¯m some kind of criminal mastermind.¡±

    ¡°Hm,¡± said Glory. ¡°Tell me. Do you know anyone by the name of Phoenix Firebrat?¡±

    ¡°Dammit, no, for the last time,¡± the snake paused again to shove the mole away. ¡°I¡¯ve never met anyone with as dumb a name as Phoenix Firebrat!¡±

 Hes Still Glorys Favorite Relative

    No amount of prying from Will or Glory clarified events at all. As far as Glory could tell, all involved parties had been living a true, complete, separate life, with no obvious inconsistencies except that they happened simultaneously, with no time to do both. The snake who maybe was or wasn¡¯t Phoenix insisted that he was a groundskeeper in Arcadia.

    He had no skill with magic more destructive than a garden hose, and looked rather taken aback at the idea of casting such powerful fire magic. Meanwhile, his maybe-cronies had recounted tales of daring and larceny with internal consistency and fine detail, and they were deeply concerned for the well-being of someone who may or may not have ever existed.

    The circle of logic and paradox went nowhere, until Glory finally said ¡°I have a solution,¡± though he didn¡¯t sound happy about it. He had called a loose huddle of his companions, away from the prying eyes of whoever it really was that was held captive.

    ¡°What¡¯s wrong with it?¡± asked Will, who from experience knew Glory was likely to enact it, even if he bitched the whole time.

    ¡°I can call in a favor from my brother,¡± said Glory.

    ¡°I thought you didn¡¯t want to rely on angels more,¡± asked Will, aware he was missing some key details.

    ¡°He¡¯s not an angel.¡± Glory said with finality. ¡°Just the opposite, actually.¡±

    Will made an educated guess about what that meant, which was close enough to reality.

    Glory sent Virgil, Dio, and Rex away to handle food and lodging, but had Will remain in case his soul-reading abilities would prove newly useful. The angel used a piece of chalk to write a complex sigil on the concrete wall of the guardhouse, insisting on its importance to the mildly worried guards.

    The symbol, which resembled to Will something between a squid and a fountain pen, pulsed with bruise-purple light.

    ¡°Perish,¡± Glory said, his tone identical to one someone might use to call someone they¡¯re mildly disappointed with. ¡°Perish the Thought. I invoke ye.¡±

    ¡°Glory, my esteemed brother,¡± said a voice from beyond the wall. It was suave and deep and very, very smug, like an oil slick that had just won a landslide victory against a defenseless coral reef. ¡°What do you require of me?¡±

    Glory groused slightly. ¡°I need your skills at memory magic. I have a gentleman who seems to have had his mind tampered with severely, and you¡¯re the only one I know that¡¯s talented enough to tell me exactly how.¡±

    Perish the Thought, if that was his name, oozed from the wall like graffiti brought to life. To Will, he looked like a squid that had been stuffed into an overcoat, but he could see a dark reflection of Glory¡¯s crown and eye in place of a squid¡¯s fins. ¡°That¡¯s quite the favor, dear brother of mine. What do you offer in return?¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t have the time or patience for a guessing game right now. Tell me what you want for your services.¡±

    ¡°A guarded memory, given at great cost,¡± Perish said serenely.

    ¡°Fine, take one of my memories. Heaven knows I have enough.¡±

    ¡°Not yours,¡± Perish said, clearly enjoying himself. He pointed to Will with one flopping tentacle. ¡°Wilson must supply it. His experiences are bound to be alien and delectable.¡±

    ¡°Fuck you,¡± said Glory and Will simultaneously. Will followed up with ¡°but fine, do it. Make it quick.¡±

    Perish looked at Will with something resembling respect. ¡°My my, Wilson. It takes courage to let a demon probe your mind. I expected more of a fight.¡±

    ¡°Don¡¯t call me Wilson,¡± said Will. ¡°Just do it.¡±

    ¡°Very well. You may feel a slight pinch.¡± Perish said, placing the tips of two tentacles against Will¡¯s forehead and chest.

    The feeling of Perish editing Will¡¯s brain was cold and crushing, like he was soaking in a rainstorm. Just as soon as it overwhelmed him, the feeling passed, and Perish withdrew.

    Will opened his eyes, then realized they had been shut tight. ¡°Is that it? I don¡¯t feel any different,¡± he said flatly. He actually felt slightly like he¡¯d just been given a shot, or had his blood drawn, but that wasn¡¯t what he considered important.

    ¡°You shouldn¡¯t,¡± said Perish. ¡°It was a precise strike. I¡¯m many things, but I¡¯m not sloppy.¡±

    ¡°What did you even take?¡± asked Will dumbly.

    ¡°If I told you, it would hardly be taken, now would it? Just like how you can¡¯t know how much you don¡¯t know you can''t remember how much you¡¯ve forgotten. Don¡¯t hurt yourself trying to fill a gap you won¡¯t ever find.¡±

    ¡°Are you like this with everyone?¡± Will asked snappishly.

    ¡°Yes!¡± said Glory and Perish, united in this one respect.

    Perish luxuriated in his hypothetical triumph as Glory explained the situation in more detail, and as he began examining the minds of each prisoner in turn. In fact, he held one arm to each of their foreheads, examining them all simultaneously.

    ¡°So how have you been?¡± Perish asked conversationally, still probing minds.

    Stolen content alert: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.

    ¡°I think this is a bad time for small talk,¡± said Glory coolly.

    ¡°You always think it¡¯s a bad time for small talk,¡± replied Perish. ¡°It¡¯s almost as if you don¡¯t like spending time with your dear old Big Bro.¡±

    ¡°We¡¯re twins,¡± Glory said patiently. ¡°We¡¯re exactly the same age.¡±

    ¡°And yet you still fall for the bait,¡± said Perish, the mirth reserved only for siblings creeping into his voice. ¡°Invariably, without fail.¡±

    Glory slumped against one wall, which struck Will as strange. He very rarely interacted with any physical barrier except to subvert it. Glory had more than once looked tired to Will, but it was another thing entirely to see him both tired and annoyed.

    ¡°I¡¯ve been fine,¡± the angel said, finally. He sounded almost defeated, like he was conceding at a game. ¡°Saving the world. You know¡­¡± he gesticulated vaguely, ¡°the usual.¡±

    ¡°That always was your nature,¡± Perish agrees, and though it¡¯s not phrased as an insult or critique, it¡¯s not not phrased as one either.

    ¡°I¡¯m an angel,¡± said Glory. ¡°That is by definition my nature.¡±

    ¡°You presume that to be an angel is to be good, instead of that by being good, you are an angel,¡± says Perish. ¡°Did not our fathers fight so valiantly to alter that unalterable law?¡±

    ¡°And yet here you are, cavorting through the minds of other beings like a burglar.¡±

    ¡°And yet here you are, relying on my services.¡±

    Glory had no response to that, and so said nothing.

    ¡°I think you are a good person,¡± Perish said, ¡°for all my duplicitous words mean.¡±

    Glory, who does not breathe, mimicked the sound of taking in and letting out a deep breath. ¡°Thank you. For helping.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re welcome,¡± says Perish. ¡°I¡¯m about to do something that will reduce mortal eyes to insensate jelly, so I recommend vacating the room.¡±

    Glory repeated the uncharacteristic gesture of leaning against a wall outside, staring at the sigil Perish had come from. ¡°You¡¯re curious about him,¡± he says to Will calmly.

    ¡°Yeah, well,¡± Will says. ¡°He¡¯s not what I expected a demon to be like.¡±

    ¡°And I¡¯m not really what you expected an angel to be like,¡± says Glory, sounding a bit proud of himself. ¡°He and I are brothers, twins. We¡¯re also banes, which is more complicated. Every angel has a bane; a demon they are bound to, and likewise for demons. The relationship is metaphysical, and an impossible one to break. Every angel must learn to live with their bane, and so must every demon. You can imagine this is no easy task, but we manage.¡±

    ¡°Are most banes blood relatives?¡± Will asked, though he¡¯s not actually sure either Glory or Perish have blood in a meaningful sense.

    ¡°No, it¡¯s actually very rare,¡± replied Glory. ¡°He isn¡¯t my only brother either. His side of the family is more¡­ fecund. But most of them would be half-siblings, at any rate.¡±

    ¡°For both demons and angels, their bane is their closest relationship," Glory continued, "even if it¡¯s adversarial. They may be hated foes, or rivals, or collaborators, or¡ª¡±

    ¡°Lovers,¡± Perish cut in, appearing from the wall again. Glory slapped him back, but he only laughed and reappeared slightly further away.

    ¡°Don¡¯t scare him,¡± Glory snapped.

    ¡°It¡¯s true,¡± said Perish defensively. ¡°Our fathers are banes, after all.¡±

    ¡°What do you want?¡± Glory asked. ¡°Other than to be unpleasant.¡±

    ¡°I have results,¡± said Perish. ¡°Come back in so I may explain.¡±

    ¡°What have you found?¡± Glory asked once back inside. Will was beginning to suspect the demon just liked making them shuffle back and forth.

    ¡°Everything!¡± Perish said excitedly. ¡°Or, close enough. Each of these minds has had huge parts of their pasts completely fabricated with incredible detail, with their original memories slotted in seamlessly below it. It¡¯s like adding a room in the middle of a house, furniture and all, instantly, without breaking or moving anything, and without leaving a trace on anything else.¡±

    ¡°And who can do something like that?¡± Glory asked.

    ¡°I don¡¯t know!¡± said Perish excitedly. He paused, waiting for someone to snark at him, but Glory and Will just stared. ¡°It has to be someone incredibly, impossibly skilled at mind manipulation. A genius of such high caliber he would be famous the world over, but who does not appear to exist.¡±

    ¡°So what¡¯s actually true,¡± asked Will. ¡°About their stories?¡±

    ¡°The groundskeeper, the snake, is really a groundskeeper. As far as I can tell, he¡¯s taken the place of someone none of the others can steadily remember, an unwitting perfect replacement. So that means there is some presumably-meddled-with gangster somewhere, slotted out of his role and left adrift. A terrible fate, to be sure.¡± Perish says this all with a sanguine curiosity, like he¡¯s a virologist and it¡¯s a new and interesting form of disease.

    ¡°And so we¡¯re left with no leads at all?¡± Glory asked annoyedly. ¡°Just a bunch of tormented strangers?¡±

    ¡°Well, no,¡± said Perish. ¡°Again, the skill required to pull off something like this limits the options severely. It¡¯s someone who is very secretive, who probably actively suppresses knowledge of their existence. An invisible hand of great, terrible power, working to some unknown goal.¡±

    ¡°Great,¡± said Glory. ¡°Now tell us where that invisible hand lives.¡±

    ¡°Well, that¡¯s easy,¡± said Perish. ¡°Each of their fabricated memories originate from a dungeon in the northern lands. Mad Jotunn¡¯s Tomb, it¡¯s called.¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s quite a ways away,¡± Glory said, unsatisfied.

    ¡°How long ago were these false memories added?¡± asked Will.

    ¡°A few weeks,¡± said Perish firmly. ¡°Enough time to head south and make their way anywhere.¡±

    ¡°There¡¯s a piece we¡¯re missing here,¡± said Glory, almost muttering. ¡°But I don¡¯t know what it could be.¡±

    ¡°As interesting as that may be,¡± said Perish, ¡°my end of the bargain is done. Examining so many brains at once is exhausting. Good luck, Big Bro.¡±

    Perish the Thought sank back into the wall, and then he was gone. The bodies of each of the men he had been examining were each deeply sleeping. Will was unsure what to make of the whole situation.

    ¡°I guess we should follow any lead we can get,¡± said Will, trying to claw up some enthusiasm.

    ¡°I guess we should,¡± said Glory. ¡°And I guess we¡¯ll need cold-weather gear.¡±

    ¡°Can you even get cold?¡± Will asks.

    ¡°Of course I can,¡± said Glory defensively. ¡°I find negative two-hundred seventy-three point-fifteen degrees Celsius quite nippy indeed.¡±

 The Technical Term for Angel Larvae is "Grub," and the Equivalent for Demons is "Maggot"

    The train ride from Revelwood to the location of the dungeon Perish had identified was shorter than the one from King¡¯s Hollow to Revelwood, but still took the better part of a day. Glory began teleporting the built-up mail from the estate to them, and Will was surprised by the density of reports on the Tainted.

    ¡°That¡¯s all of them,¡± Glory said, dropping the final letters into a neat stack. ¡°Eighty-five in total.¡±

    ¡°Christ,¡± said Will. He opened one, and found it was blank except for a winking smiley face and a surprisingly detailed anatomical diagram of something¡¯s unmentionables.

    Despite his embarrassed disappointment, he had to admire the level of attention, almost more like something from a medical textbook than porn. ¡°How many pranks are there?¡±

    ¡°No idea,¡± said Glory. ¡°I haven¡¯t looked at any of them. Tampering with the mail is a serious crime.¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s your mail,¡± said Will, but he started opening another few letters to examine their contents.

    In total only twelve were trash or completely blank, which Will considered an acceptable margin of error. Not every legitimate report was of equal quality, but each had at least something Will could work with.

    The amount of information, even when compressed, filled much of Will¡¯s sketchbook. From the few Tainted he had noted before, he suddenly had nearly fifty. A few times, Virgil or Glory would take over transcription while Will dictated and rested. Rex and Dio had politely refused to write, but Rex did end up tracing and copying most of the drawings people had added.

    The landscape had gone from forest to taiga as they traveled further north, and was beginning to spike into mountainous vistas. Will went out to an open-air car, similar to the picnic one he had seen on the last train, letting the cold air wash past him.

    It felt good, he decided, and if he hadn¡¯t gotten tired of using a pencil he might¡¯ve sketched the jagged mountains in the distance.

    Rex came out onto the deck as well, sitting down in a chair he turned around to sit backwards in. He whistled the song of the northern cardinal, as if saying something to Will in a coded message.

    When he saw Will looking at him, he signed something defensively.

    ¡°I still can¡¯t understand that,¡± Will said guiltily. ¡°Sorry.¡±

    Rex pulled out a folded piece of paper he had stored in a pocket. On one side it said ¡°THAT¡¯S OKAY¡± and the other ¡°WE DON¡¯T NEED WORDS¡±

    Will blinked twice, and sat down a short distance away from Rex. He recalled a summer camp he had gone to at least a decade ago, and a trick one of the counselors had shown him. He was rusty, of course, but he was confident he would remember. He folded his hands together and put them to his mouth, attempting to whistle.

    It did not go well. Ten years was a long time, both in terms of how his hands had grown and how clear his memory was, and the discordant tones Will managed were wavering and brief. Rex laughed, and doing the same trick, perfectly mimicked the wailing call of the common loon.

    ¡°Showoff,¡± Will said good-naturedly, which Rex seemed to deliberately ignore.

    Rex continued to whistle for some time, until it began to lightly snow, forcing them back into the heated car of the train. Inside, Dio and Virgil were both apparently sleeping on something like a pullout bed, the halfling using one of Dio¡¯s pecs as a pillow.

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    ¡°Oh good,¡± Glory said as Will and Rex sat down. ¡°I was worried you¡¯d freeze out there.¡±

    ¡°Do you actually have anything for that?¡± Will asked, pulling at his poorly-insulated leather jacket. ¡°I¡¯m definitely starting to feel underdressed for this weather.¡±

    Glory conjured a parka from somewhere and tossed it to Will, who put it on gratefully. Like all shirts and jackets Will had tried it refused to close over his bare chest, but it was still miles better than the simple leather jacket he was wearing before.

    ¡°I don''t know how anyone manages here without a full shirt," said Will. ¡°This outfit is a little bit ridiculous, right? I¡¯m not crazy?¡±

    Virgil, who was evidently not asleep and who generally wore a vest that covered his whole torso, made a sound like he was going to say something contentious but stopped at the last second. ¡°Some people use magic; enchanted clothes that remain warm even in the coldest environments.¡±

    ¡°I''ll pass,¡± said Will. "I need all the grounding to physical reality that I can get at this point.¡±

    That earned a laugh from Virgil and Rex. Glory wasn¡¯t as amused, and he whispered to Will about the seemingly contrarian nature of armor, and how despite many valiant attempts to develop alternatives it remained steadfastly true that the most effective armors were the most revealing.

    Will was not terribly surprised about this although he didn''t much like having it directly confirmed. ¡°It just doesn''t make sense," Will said. ¡°Nothing about how any of this works is consistent except that it invariably bends towards the fetishistic. It just seems¡­ artificial to me.¡±

    ¡°As far as we know,¡± Glory said, "It''s perfectly natural. You take it on faith that your own world exists because of the build up of trillions of random chances creating something perfectly unique and yet undeniably similar to many other realities. How do you know your own reality was not created to fulfill the perverted desires of some other unfathomable creator?"

    "Yours is not more or less unique than ours, merely different in unique ways," Glory continued. "Do you know how rare it is for a universe to host exactly one sapient species? That in it of itself is a staggeringly unlikely thing.¡±

    ¡°Are you suggesting that my universe was created to act as a human fetishist''s playground?¡± asked Will. He was incredulous, but not as incredulous as he would have liked.

    ¡°I¡¯m suggesting that that is as likely a reason for your universe existing as some cosmic pervert deigning to create ours,¡± said Glory with some finality.

    Will didn''t have a counterargument for that.

    ¡°How do you know so much about this anyway?¡± asked Will, pivoting the topic away from that existential tangle. ¡°It seems like it''s really hard to get anywhere, given how much it requires to send someone to another universe.¡±

    ¡°It used to be easier," Glory said, with the barest twinge of regret. ¡°Most of our ability to explore or observe was cut off when the gods were exterminated. It was an unfortunate side effect, but one we have managed to at least partially overcome. The deicide was slightly before my time, but I have the collective writings of several hundred years to study.¡±

    ¡°Why did you kill the gods?¡± asked Will. ¡°That seems like a pretty serious undertaking, yeah?¡±

    Glory looked to his side as if watching for something over his shoulder. ¡°Whether or not the world was created for a reason, the gods sculpted it to their liking, and they didn¡¯t appreciate it when their delicate balance was upset. The world spent nearly six hundred years trapped in a divinely mandated stasis where nothing could advance and nothing could ever really change.¡±

    ¡°Though they had free will, mortals were limited in what they could do and how far they could go for fear of stepping too far,¡± Glory paused, as if reflecting. ¡°My kin, the angels, demons, and other spiritual beings of this world were reduced to almost nothing but extensions of their omnipresent will.¡±

    ¡°The Seven Scribes you¡¯ve probably heard mentioned killed them,¡± Virgil said, taking over for Glory. ¡°A bit under two hundred years ago. The experience changed them, diminished them as the curse of immortality supplanted mortality. They¡¯re all voluntarily bound in sites like Daphnis¡¯s revel and Arcadia. A lesser form of it causes respawning and affects everybody, but the Scribes cannot die at all.¡±

    ¡°Huh,¡± said Will, digesting this information quietly. He turned to Glory. ¡°By ¡®slightly before your time¡¯ how slightly do you mean?¡±

    ¡°The gestational period of an angel larva,¡± said Glory, ¡°which is exactly seven years.¡±

    ¡°Awesome,¡± said Will, who did not actually find that information awesome.

 Will Meets Someone. He Kills Them. They Die. They Go To Hell

    Mad Jotunn¡¯s Tomb was part of a series of dungeons across the Vulffspine mountain range. Wolf¡¯s Whistle was a township that had sprung up to extract the resources produced by these dungeons, and the Vulff¡¯s Liver tavern was one of its more popular drinking holes.

    Will, who wasn¡¯t much of a drinker, was nursing a cup of beer at the bar. No, he mentally corrected himself, it wasn¡¯t a cup, it was a flagon, because of course it was.

    The conversation he had had with Glory on the train was weighing heavily on his mind. It wasn¡¯t, inherently, that the idea of his own universe being artificial bothered him. Will had heard it posited many times, and was numb to the idea.

    The thought that humans were alone in their universe also bothered him, although that was beginning to fade as well. If earth could figure out a way to hop dimensions, that would be¡­

    He mentally stopped himself. It was too much to think about, and in his sour mood Will didn¡¯t want to give himself hope.

    Though he didn¡¯t like that he thought this way, what he actually had a hard time accepting that earth and this place were just as likely to be real or artificial as each other, and that it was even a possibility that earth was fake and this place was real. He considered that unfair, which he also recognized was unfair of himself.

    Every instinct told him that even if the entire universe didn¡¯t make sense, his own had to. It had to, because otherwise what was there to hold onto? He knew this place was abnormal because earth was normal and this place wasn¡¯t earth. Without that baseline, he had nothing to work off of.

    Will backed away from a couple of men of indeterminate but highly divergent species expressing affection in a very public manner, knocking over his drink.

    He almost complained, then decided he didn¡¯t actually care enough about beer to warrant it. Sitting down a few stools away, he ordered a flagon of plain water.

    Virgil and Glory were arranging lodging and supplies, and Dio and Rex were off in some room of the Vulff¡¯s Liver meeting the locals, which Will had correctly expected to be a euphemism but hadn¡¯t expected to be something of a competition.

    Will was left to keep an eye on them, thankfully only metaphorically, and every now and again one of them would come out and tell Will that they had ¡°scored¡± some number of points, only some of which appeared to be related to sex. His tallying had been nearly automatic, something to occupy the parts of his brain incapable of seething. Currently Rex was leading by five points.

    ¡°Hey, handsome,¡± a voice beside him said, and despite himself Will turned his head to face the speaker. It was Rex, smiling at him.

    Except, of course, Rex didn¡¯t talk. And whoever this was didn¡¯t have the piece of silver he used as a whistle.

    ¡°Who are you?¡± asked Will coolly. ¡°You¡¯re not my friend.¡±

    Not-Rex looked taken aback, but impressed. ¡°I¡¯m Mint Julep. You looked lonely.¡±

    ¡°Not interested,¡± Will said. ¡°Wait¡­ Mint Julep like the drink?¡±

    Mint Julep smiled and, displaying more flexibility than someone with bones should possess, reached past Will and stole his drink. He took a sip of it.

    ¡°And now my name¡¯s¡­ wait, this is tap water.¡±

    ¡°Your name is Tap Water?¡± Will asked again, equal parts unamused and morbidly curious.

    ¡°Until I drink something else,¡± said Tap Water.

    ¡°And how often does that little trick work on guys?¡± Will asked acidically.

    ¡°More often than you¡¯d think, satyr,¡± said Tap Water, giving a wide grin.

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    ¡°Ugh,¡± said Will. ¡°Do you really have to look like that? It¡¯s weird.¡±

    Tap water smiled thoughtfully, and Will could practically see the lightbulb go off in the shapeshifter¡¯s head. His features rearranged in a way Will could only describe as amoebic, until someone entirely different was sitting there.

    ¡°How about this?¡± said Tap Water, who was now wearing the face of Will¡¯s ex-girlfriend, Julia. Well, not quite. Apparently something in the connection was imperfect, because what it actually looked like was a male version of Julia. A Julian.

    ¡°This is worse,¡± said Will bitterly. ¡°How often does looking like someone¡¯s ex work?¡±

    ¡°More often than the drinking trick,¡± said Tap Water. Unlike the body, the mimicry of Julia¡¯s voice was perfect, which felt more incongruous to Will than if it had been altered.

    ¡°I¡¯ve seen enough,¡± Will said. ¡°Get lost. And look like someone else.¡±

    ¡°Nah,¡± said Tap Water. ¡°I like this form. Maybe I¡¯ll make it the default.¡±

    Will knew he was being played, but he was angry and buzzed and so, so tired. ¡°Seriously, dude, quit it.¡±

    Tap Water made a show of standing up and walking away slowly. Distantly Will was aware that people were beginning to notice, but he decided he didn¡¯t care about making a scene.

    ¡°I¡¯ll just go bug that stupid tiefling in the other room again,¡± Tap Water said, and Will didn¡¯t know if it was meant to escalate or de-escalate. Truthfully, neither did Tap Water.

    Will didn¡¯t see red. He saw black, the color of everything around him draining away. The skeletons of everything around him, both the literal ones, and luminous outlines of people, the building, and the world beyond, glowed like spiderwebs in moonlight. The thing that called itself Tap Water had no bones, as Will had suspected, but a series of air-filled sacs, some kind of pneumatic support structure. Will knew in exacting detail how to make it stop working.

    ¡°Don¡¯t,¡± Will began. He was pushing Tap Water against a wall. When did that happen? He didn¡¯t remember getting up. ¡°call,¡± Some kind of energy was flowing through Will, or the opposite of energy. Will didn¡¯t understand and didn¡¯t care. ¡°him,¡± The darkness around him was beginning to fill with hot-white light, and distantly Will acknowledged that what he was about to do was quite disproportionate. ¡°stupid.¡±

    The area around Will bloomed with searing energy, vaporizing every piece of organic matter in a short radius around him, sparing only Will himself.

    The charred remains of what had been his clothes, the wooden wall and floor, and of course, Tap Water had been pushed to the edge of the circle, a perfect ashen ring defining Will¡¯s personal space.

    The metal buckles and rings that had constituted the inorganic pieces of Will¡¯s outfit clattered to the ground with a series of dull clinks. Will darted his head back and forth, painfully aware that everyone was watching him.

    He had just killed someone, for a given value of killing, and now they were watching to see what happened next.

    Will ran for the door. He expected this would make him look more guilty than not, but he didn¡¯t care. He needed to get out of that space. He barged out onto the dark, snowy street, bolting in the direction he remembered Virgil and Glory going.

    Running through the cold air only somewhat added to the cocktail of terrible feelings roiling within him.

    He wasn¡¯t sure where he was going, and had no clue where the others were. For all he knew, he may have passed Virgil and Glory ages ago.

    Will slowed, then stopped. The cold was beginning to really bite into him. He looked around, searching for somewhere he could sit down and warm up.

    A gray bird flew overhead and landed nearby Will. He had just a moment to recognize it as a pigeon before it transformed into Dio, who made a soft noise of exertion.

    ¡°Holy shit,¡± Dio said, panting. ¡°You¡¯re fucking fast.¡±

    ¡°You were following me?¡± Asked Will.

    ¡°For a given value of following, yeah. I saw you ice that guy and run. What the hell were you thinking?¡± Dio asked.

    ¡°I¡­ he¡­ he was being a creep, and I¡­ I don¡¯t know what I did exactly.¡±

    ¡°No, what were you thinking when you started running?¡±

    ¡°Huh?¡± Will asked uncomprehendingly.

    ¡°You were right,¡± Dio said. ¡°He was being a creep. Everyone who saw it go down agreed.¡±

    ¡°Yeah, but I killed him,¡± Will protested. ¡°Like, vaporized him.¡±

    ¡°And he¡¯ll be fine,¡± Dio said soothingly. ¡°Maybe he¡¯ll even learn his lesson.¡±

    ¡°But¡­ I¡­¡± Will realized he didn¡¯t want to be comforted. He didn¡¯t want to be forgiven; he wanted to stew in his awful mood for as long as he could.

    Articulating this internally made Will appreciate how stupid that sounded.

 Reminder: Will is Naked For This Entire Conversation

    ¡°Okay,¡± said Will. ¡°Now what?¡±

    ¡°Honestly I didn¡¯t think that far ahead. Rex went to go find Virgil and Glory.¡±

    ¡°I need someplace indoors to wait,¡± said Will. ¡°It¡¯s fucking cold.¡±

    ¡°Yeah, looks like it,¡± Dio said understandingly. He scanned the nearby buildings and pointed at one. The architecture of Wolf¡¯s Whistle tended to be squat and brutalist, but the one Dio had picked was taller, with strangely crimson light pouring from its large windows.

    Will followed Dio inside into what reminded him of a dentist¡¯s waiting room, except for the red light. Wooden benches lined the walls and behind an L-shaped desk a man in a smart vest sat writing in a notebook.

    ¡°Do you have a reservation, or is this a walk-in?¡± The receptionist asked.

    Will attempted to formulate a response while Dio simply answered.

    ¡°We¡¯re just here to get out of the cold for a few minutes,¡± the dragon said simply. Will was struck by how soft-spoken Dio could be when he felt like it.

    ¡°So a walk-in,¡± the receptionist said, writing something down in another book.

    ¡°No,¡± said Dio, his tone firmer. ¡°We don¡¯t need a room.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m not supposed to let people sit around here if they¡¯re not waiting for a room,¡± said the receptionist.

    ¡°You¡¯ll live,¡± barked Dio, sharply enough to make even Will recoil slightly.

    ¡°How much for a room?¡± Will asked. ¡°And what is this place?¡± He was sure it would have something to do with sex, as every place seemed to, but the specifics were still up in the air.

    ¡°Are you familiar with karaoke?¡± The receptionist asked, which was one of the questions Will had not been expecting to ever have to answer.

    ¡°Yeah, I¡¯ve heard of it,¡± said Will. ¡°What is this, a karaoke box?¡±

    ¡°Yes, actually!¡± Came the receptionist¡¯s unexpectedly appreciative reply. ¡°This is Lone Wolf Karaoke, and it¡¯s the only one in the northern territories.¡±

    ¡°Oh, how interesting,¡± said Will, who didn¡¯t much care for singing but was relieved to not be forced into more compromising situations. ¡°How much for thirty minutes?¡±

    Dio paid for a room, not thrilled about caving into spending money. The room did remind Will of a karaoke box from earth, except the music system was a large phonograph-like device. The horn was either modeled after or made from a large conch shell, and seashells had been used to accent it.

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    Dio pulled what looked like a toilet paper tube from a large shelf and unscrewed it to reveal a slightly smaller black tube. This he slotted into the phonograph, which began playing music.

    If Will knew more about music genres, he might have considered it something like soft or pop rock. Without that background, though, he was only able to think that it reminded him of the 80¡¯s music his father liked to listen to on road trips.

    ¡°Interesting,¡± Will said. ¡°Where I¡¯m from, we used flat discs instead of tubes for records.¡±

    ¡°No kidding?¡± Dio asked. ¡°Doesn¡¯t that make them pretty brittle?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m not sure, actually,¡± said Will. ¡°I¡¯m not a music historian.¡±

    ¡°How old are these things for you?¡± Dio asked, suddenly acutely curious.

    ¡°Uh, maybe a hundred and forty years, give or take,¡± Will said carefully. Having to explain the industrial revolution and its developments into the modern age was low on the list of things he wanted to do here, but he wanted to leave Dio hanging or directly lie even less.

    ¡°That¡¯s crazy. Like, what are phonographs like for you? Do you have magic for it? I know sometimes people can do it with magic.¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t have a phonograph. Almost nobody does, actually,¡± Will said. ¡°And it¡¯s not magic. For music, well, for a lot of things, we basically break it down into raw information, transmit it to wherever we want it, in this case a speaker, and then turn the information back into sounds.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re losing me,¡± said Dio. ¡°Who or what is transferring that information?¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s something I don''t perfectly understand myself,¡± said Will. ¡°But it¡¯s like writing a set of instructions for a machine to follow. They¡¯re usually transferred through a conductive metal wire, or directly through the air on energy waves.¡±

    ¡°And you¡¯re sure it¡¯s not magic?¡± Dio asked.

    ¡°I don¡¯t consider it magic.¡± Will said. After a moment of thought, he continued with ¡°But they do say that any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s a dumb expression,¡± said Dio. ¡°Can anyone turn into a dinosaur on earth?¡±

    ¡°No,¡± said Will. ¡°But has anyone here ever split an atom?¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t know what an atom is, so probably not,¡± Dio conceded.

    ¡°Eh, well, that¡¯s probably for the best,¡± Will admitted. ¡°As soon as we figured out how to do it we started making city-destroying bombs.¡±

    Dio got up and swapped the song on the karaoke phonograph for something more energetic.

    ¡°I like talking to you,¡± he said as he sat back down. ¡°You don¡¯t treat me like I¡¯m stupid or slow, or like I¡¯m a useless horndog.¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t think anyone¡¯s really stupid,¡± Will said, slightly proud of his own charitability. He avoided commenting on the other observation. ¡°People assume there¡¯s some objective way to measure intelligence, but there really isn¡¯t. I think it¡¯s all about how much you¡¯re willing to learn.¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s a good way of looking at things,¡± Dio agreed. ¡°You¡¯re a smart guy. I think that¡¯s why you¡¯re here, because you¡¯re willing to learn.¡±

    Will thought about this. ¡°I¡¯m not that special. I¡¯m sure there¡¯s lots of people who would¡¯ve been willing to learn.¡±

    Dio laughed. ¡°You look at the world like it¡¯s some kind of huge puzzle you¡¯re assembling, with everything and everyone a single piece. What¡¯ll the whole thing look like when you¡¯re done?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m not sure I understand the question.¡± Will replied blankly. ¡°It¡¯s the world. I¡¯m piecing together a world. It¡¯ll look like a world.¡±

    ¡°Yeah,¡± Dio said, smiling contentedly. ¡°It will."

 Evil Botany is a Growth Industry (Its Actually Not and Nobody is Hiring)

    Glory had found Dio and Will fast asleep in the rented karaoke room, the phonograph still playing some kind of ballad Glory didn¡¯t know the words to. Will was leaning into Dio¡¯s chest, the dragon¡¯s arm laying over Will¡¯s own chest.

    Glory considered the possibility that Will would be unhappy to find himself in such an intimate position, but wasn¡¯t sure how to rectify this. He settled on lifting Dio¡¯s arm, yanking Will hooves-first down the couch, and wedging a pillow between them.

    This woke Will up, as Glory had anticipated, but he was groggy enough to not notice the sudden repositioning. ¡°What the Hell?¡± Will said blearily.

    ¡°I¡¯m glad you¡¯re alright,¡± said Glory. ¡°I was beginning to worry. Rex told us that you¡¯d run off naked into the night.¡±

    ¡°Well, that¡¯s not incorrect,¡± said Will, getting his bearings. ¡°Dio found me and we came here to stay warm. I must¡¯ve fallen asleep.¡±

    Will got up to a sitting position. ¡°Was this pillow always here?¡± He asked.

    ¡°You can¡¯t stay here,¡± Glory said, dodging the question. ¡°I rented us a proper room for the night, and the poor man up front was beginning to worry about you.¡±

    ¡°Buh. Okay.¡±

    ¡°Dio,¡± Glory said, snapping his fingers about a foot away from the dragon¡¯s face. ¡°Wake up. We can¡¯t stay here all night.¡±

    ¡°Five more minutes¡­¡± Dio grumbled.

    ¡°If you stay we¡¯re going to have to start paying for the hours you¡¯ve racked up,¡± Glory said flatly.

    Dio staggered to his feet, still sleepy but at least present. ¡°Fine, let¡¯s bounce.¡±

    Glory produced another harness and jacket for Will and led them to an inn some distance away, using a barrier to keep the wind and light snow from battering Will.

    Two rooms had been rented for the party, which meant Will would be bunking with Virgil. The room actually contained a bunk bed, which Virgil had claimed the top layer of.

    The rest of the details didn¡¯t matter to Will, who collapsed into the bed and attempted to fall asleep.

    From out of view, Glory asked about the experience Will had had at the bar.

    ¡°That¡¯s the reaping condition,¡± Glory said, referring to the strange X-ray vision and life-obliterating episode Will had relayed. ¡°It¡¯s very powerful, as you no doubt noticed, but as I will remind you is extremely dangerous to remain in.¡±

    ¡°Yeah, yeah, it¡¯ll kill me for real,¡± Will said, wishing this conversation could have waited until tomorrow. ¡°I¡¯ll be careful. I didn¡¯t even mean to do it.¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s the problem,¡± Glory said. ¡°If you start reaping when you don¡¯t expect it, you¡¯re putting yourself at incredible risk.¡±

    ¡°Sleep now, warn later,¡± said Will.

    Glory relented. Will did deserve his rest.

    The dungeon known as Mad Jotunn¡¯s Tomb was not particularly popular. The leading opinion was that it had been picked clean of valuables and lacked especially interesting challenges.

    ¡°It¡¯s an imposing view, at least,¡± Glory had said, and he wasn¡¯t wrong. The entrance snaked through a rock formation shaped like the kind of horned helmets Vikings were inaccurately depicted as wearing.

    Despite the middling reputation, Glory had insisted on preparing well. He¡¯d given Will a potion that apparently would protect him from dangerously cold temperatures by filling his blood with a natural antifreeze.

    ¡°Like a wood frog,¡± Will had said. It tasted like a wood frog, too.

    Dio and Rex pulled open the huge, ancient pine wood doors of the dungeon, beckoning the rest of the party inside.

    While it was definitely close to freezing inside, Will immediately noticed that much of the ice was beginning to melt, revealing cracked stonework beneath. Trickles of meltwater flowed deeper into the dungeon, a constant low patter like soft rain.

    A large white flower was growing from a torn-up wall. It reminded Will of an orchid, and he approached it to get a better look.

    ¡°Don¡¯t touch that!¡± Said the plant, causing Will to jerk back in surprise.

    ¡°Sorry, I didn¡¯t think¡­¡± Will paused. He¡¯d been going to say ¡®you were a person,¡¯ but it had clearly said ¡®that¡¯ in a tone that reminded him of people defending something expensive.

    The orchid¡¯s central petals darkened and folded to show an approximate outline of¡­ something. It was like an optical illusion, where once you saw it at the right angle, you knew what it was. A head, Will realized, and it now felt obvious.

    Not a human head, something angular and canine. A hyena, maybe, what Will would call a gnoll. A pair of yellow stamen approximated squinting eyes.

    ¡°I¡¯m sorry, mister¡­¡± Will prompted.

    ¡°It¡¯s doctor Skullfuck Bonecrusher,¡± said doctor Skullfuck Bonecrusher.

    ¡°I¡¯m not calling you that,¡± said Will. ¡°Do you have something¡­ shorter?¡±

    Doctor Skullfuck Bonecrusher scoffed indignantly. ¡°I refuse to have my genius go unacknowledged. I earned my doctorate, and I will have it recognized!¡±

    ¡°Can I call you doctor Skullcrusher?¡±

    Doctor Skullfuck Bonecrusher considered this. ¡°Very well. Doctor Skullcrusher, then.¡±

    ¡°Thank you for understanding,¡± Will said deferentially. ¡°Was this plant designed by you? It¡¯s a remarkable bit of biotechnology.¡±

    Skullcrusher grinned widely, the orchid¡¯s pale petals imitating teeth. ¡°Indeed it is! You should appreciate my design more.¡±

    ¡°Two-way communication without a sustained spell is impressive,¡± agreed Glory. ¡°It must require an acute understanding of biomancy.¡±

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    ¡°Pah,¡± said Skullcrusher distastefully. ¡°It¡¯s not so complex. The basics are already of nature¡¯s grand design, in the bee orchid and its relatives.¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s an ingenious strategy,¡± said Will, recalling the plant. ¡°Looking and smelling like a potential mate to attract pollinators.¡±

    ¡°Aha, you understand!¡± Said Skullcrusher excitedly. ¡°Plants without agricultural or magical applications are so often ignored, but they still have so much to teach, so much to offer!¡±

    The orchid shook as Skullcrusher cackled loudly. Will was certain that this gnoll botanist was a kindred spirit, and that he needed no magic to know how well he understood him.

    ¡°I¡¯d love to get a better look at your lab,¡± said Will, and he wasn¡¯t lying.

    Skullcrusher stopped laughing. ¡°I¡¯m afraid I¡¯m not allowing tours right now. The dungeon is strictly off-limits to adventurers.¡±

    ¡°I misspoke,¡± said Will, improvising. ¡°My¡­ colleagues¡­ and I are looking to¡­ invest in cutting-edge research. Do you have more to show?¡±

    ¡°Investors?¡± Skullcrusher asked shrewdly. ¡°Why didn¡¯t you say so? I¡¯ve got dozens of prototypes! Dozens!¡±

    ¡°Please, follow the mycelium,¡± Skullcrusher said as thin fungal strands began to undulate in waves of glowing color, leading to the right corridor further into the dungeon.

    Will followed the trail, and his party followed him. What must have at one point been a frozen room was now a steaming morass of slick rock and moss. Another orchid grew from the corner of this room, which stirred as Will watched.

    ¡°Surely it would be simpler to set up somewhere warmer to grow plants,¡± said Glory.

    ¡°I¡¯m located this far north for security reasons,¡± said Skullcrusher. ¡°I don¡¯t want any experiments to escape.¡±

    ¡°Ah,¡± said Glory flatly. ¡°Experiments such as¡­?¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re meeting one shortly,¡± said Skullcrusher. ¡°If you survive, let me know what you think. All feedback is good feedback!¡±

    ¡°What¡ª¡° Will attempted to say before a shape crept towards him, forcing him to scamper to the side. The rocks and moss made getting traction on the ground tricky.

    The moss was swelling into mobile forms, like fuzzy green slugs. While not especially quick, they could move effortlessly on the slimy ground.

    Will cut through one, which divided itself into two halves and barely slowed. The moss ball¡¯s soul was one of the simplest Will had tried to understand, little more than a set of survival imperatives. Move towards light, water, nutrients. Move away from danger.

    It wasn¡¯t attacking him, per se. It had no understanding that Will was even a discrete thing. It simply knew Will was made of water and nutrients, and wanted some.

    Dio shouted as a moss ball clung to his leg. ¡°It¡¯s venomous,¡± he said, trying to hack the blob away with a knife. Glory blasted the moss on Dio with light, but that only made the moss grow thicker.

    ¡°Fuck, don¡¯t do that!¡± Dio said, hissing in pain.

    ¡°We need to dry them out,¡± said Will. ¡°They¡¯ll go dormant.¡± This was only a hunch on Will¡¯s part, but he kept that to himself.

    Rex, who was fending a rippling wave of moss off with a shield, whistled a salute. He blew onto the shield, shimmering heat forming steam around him. The metal began to glow dully, and Rex pressed it back towards the moss.

    Another puff of steam billowed out as the moss dried and blackened.

    Glory pulled a simple sword from a hole in space and began similarly heating it, then did the same for Dio¡¯s knife. The heated weapons stopped the moss easily, as though it was once again plain old plant matter.

    Virgil, who like Will could not hold red-hot metal, joined Will behind the action. He hurriedly sketched something circular by scraping moss off the slimy wall, then ducked as a blast of fire erupted from the sigil.

    ¡°How are you finding the moss?¡± Skullcrusher asked with frankly unprofessional enthusiasm. ¡°Be honest, is the venom too much?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯d say it¡¯s pretty distracting,¡± said Dio. ¡°Why does it hurt so much!?¡±

    ¡°Earlier versions didn¡¯t telegraph that they were trying to digest you well enough,¡± Skullcrusher said, proud of his own problem-solving skills. ¡°The pain response ensures that the inherent danger is more immediately obvious.¡±

    ¡°Oh, of course,¡± Dio said sardonically, roasting the last flecks still stuck to his leg. ¡°Gotta make sure everyone knows the carnivorous marimos are dangerous.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re being sarcastic,¡± said Skullcrusher observationally, ¡°but I¡¯m sure you¡¯d rather know if you¡¯re being digested than not.¡±

    Dio said nothing. Enough moss had retreated or burned that it no longer approached, and everyone took a moment to catch their breath.

    ¡°You¡¯re designing plant monsters,¡± Will said. It wasn¡¯t a question.

    ¡°Yes!¡± agreed Skullcrusher. ¡°That¡¯s why you¡¯re here, right?¡±

    ¡°Yes, of course,¡± Will said. ¡°But what other projects are you working on? Anything more like the orchid screen?¡±

    ¡°A few things,¡± Skullcrusher admitted. ¡°But they¡¯re really not very interesting. Personal projects. Not money-makers.¡±

    His tone suggested that he was more proud of these supposedly non-profitable creations than he let on, which was a sentiment Will was very familiar with. ¡°Show us,¡± said Will.

    ¡°If you¡¯re certain,¡± said Skullcrusher, though his tone suggested excitement rather than apprehension.

    Will and the party were led further into the dungeon, to a spiraling staircase that cut a wide shaft from somewhere out of sight above to somewhere out of sight below. Hallways branched off in all directions on each floor, most of them collapsed or frozen over.

    Another orchid unfurled. ¡°This one I¡¯m quite proud of,¡± Skullcrusher said.

    From somewhere below, there was a soft rumble as a far-too-bright light flooded the floor Will currently stood on.

    Will staggered back in surprise, and Glory actually yelped, snapping his floating eye shut and attempting to shield it with a wing.

    When Will opened his eyes, the lights had dimmed to merely daylight-bright, and level with the floor a huge lily pad had grown, taking up most of the chasm¡¯s space.

    ¡°I call it a vertivator,¡± said Skullcrusher proudly. ¡°Using plant tissue that responds to light, I can guide the platform wherever I like.¡±

    An elevator, Will thought but didn¡¯t say. ¡°How reliable is it?¡± he asked. ¡°How stable?¡±

    ¡°The vertivator actually has three stems that loop around each other like springs,¡± Skullcrusher said, practically glowing. ¡°Each reinforces the other two, making it quite stable indeed. No need to worry.¡±

    ¡°Can I test it out?¡± Will asked.

    ¡°Certainly! Please, only one at a time, though.¡±

    Will nodded to the party and climbed up onto the vertivator. As a human, the jump might have intimidated him, but as a strong-legged satyr, it was simple and effortless.

    Will stepped on the leaf, testing its stability. It began to sink as the lights finally dimmed.

    ¡°I think this design has potential,¡± Will said, genuinely impressed.

    ¡°Perhaps,¡± said Skullcrusher. ¡°Unfortunately, only some dungeons have shafts like this one. There¡¯s not many places where this design functions.¡±

    ¡°I bet buildings could benefit from elevators, too,¡± Will suggested, thinking himself sly. ¡°Imagine building a tower and using one of these to reach the top in minutes. The view would be incredible.¡±

    By this point Will was descending into deep darkness. He attempted an illumination spell Virgil had shown him, but it only partially cut through the gloom.

    ¡°I have thought about it,¡± Skullcrusher said. ¡°And I can see the potential. You know, you¡¯re not the first to call them ¡®elevators.¡¯¡±

    From somewhere above, there was a rumbling of stone and the indistinct shouting of Will¡¯s party. Some kind of hatch shut above him, cutting off almost all of Will¡¯s remaining access to light.

    The air down in the deepest parts of Mad Jotunn¡¯s Tomb was warm and muggy, but Will felt suddenly very, very cold.

    ¡°Is that so?¡± Will asked, tone perfectly flat.

    ¡°Yes,¡± Skullcrusher said. In the darkness, it felt like the gnoll¡¯s voice was coming from every direction. ¡°I was told to apprehend any earthlings I find. My master will be very pleased to meet with you.¡±

 Ill Save You Half A Second of Googling: XXXIV is Thirty-Four

    In the darkness Will was forced to rely on sound more than sight.

    ¡°And who might that be?¡± Will asked, listening for where the sounds of reply would come from.

    ¡°Wouldn¡¯t you like to know?¡± Skullcrusher said. The gnoll¡¯s voice reverberated from every direction, but the sounds of his movement didn¡¯t echo in the same way.

    ¡°I would,¡± said Will dryly. ¡°That¡¯s why I asked.¡±

    Skullcrusher cackled, the sound coming from every direction. ¡°You''re not in a position to be asking questions.¡±

    Will attempted to magically illuminate the whole area, but only managed a few feet of light. In the darkness beyond his range of vision, he relied on his ears to guide him.

    The metal floor of whatever this room was, Will guessed it was a lab of some kind, clanked faintly with each step Skullcrusher took. He was circling the room, probably waiting for Will to make a move.

    A vine slithered around Will¡¯s ankle, holding him fast. He didn¡¯t attempt to break free of its grasp just yet.

    ¡°What are you getting out of this deal?¡± Will asked.

    ¡°That''s none of your concern,¡± Skullcrusher said.

    ¡°If you answer my questions, I won''t resist,¡± Will said. ¡°You''re scared I will, and that I''ll put up more of a fight than you can handle.¡±

    ¡°You can''t threaten me,¡± said Skullcrusher, but his confidence audibly wavered. ¡°Not alone, at least.¡±

    Will laughed. ¡°I''m not alone,¡± he said. ¡°Glorious Purpose has been waiting for my signal just outside the room.¡±

    ¡°I don''t believe you,¡± Skullcrusher said. ¡°The walls of my lab are lined with lead.¡±

    Of course, Will thought bitterly. Of course that was a thing. Unless it wasn''t, and Skullcrusher was also bluffing.

    ¡°You''re not resisting,¡± Skullcrusher observed. ¡°even though I''m not divulging anything.¡±

    Will crushed the vine that was holding him with his other foot and leapt from the lily pad to the metal floor. He felt the vibrations spread out from the force of his landing, attempting to piece together a mental map of the area.

    He moved forward, hand outstretched, looking for a wall. He suspected the lab was a circle or other regular shape, and he found a flat, leaf-covered wall to orient himself on.

    Skullcrusher began running after him, running on all fours like some kind of predatory animal. Will ran the other way, keeping one hand gliding against the wall. From the angle of where walls met, he guessed that the room was either a hexagon or an octagon.

    Tables and shelves appeared out of the darkness as Will ran, dodging around every obstruction more on instinct than conscious reaction. Some housed plants, some carried piles of books and stacks of notes, and one looked like a pile of unfolded laundry on an ironing board.

    Skullcrusher wasn¡¯t as maneuverable as Will, but he knew the space better. This did appear to be where he both lived and worked, which meant¡­

    ¡°You won¡¯t find a way out like that,¡± said Skullcrusher. His voice buzzed from the walls, and Will found a flower like the screen orchids the botanist was so fond of. As he had thought, it was broadcasting his voice.

    ¡°I don¡¯t need a way out,¡± Will said, yanking hard on the speaker-flower. He pulled it free and crushed it underhoof as he searched out another.

    Instead, he bumped into something that looked like an empty mobile planter box, which he grabbed and slid in a random direction, where it slammed into something unseen. There was the sound of glass breaking against the floor, and the sound of something small skittering and squeaking.

    ¡°Don¡¯t touch those, they¡¯re very delicate!¡± Skullcrusher shouted.

    ¡°That¡¯s why I¡¯m touching them!¡± Will said excitedly, grabbing a coffee mug from a table covered in moss and throwing it to the ground, where it broke apart very satisfyingly.

    ¡°Aaaarooooogh!¡± Skullcrusher screamed, leaping directly at Will and slamming into him with an audible thud.

    The gnoll¡¯s huge hand clamped around Will¡¯s neck, pinning him to the floor with just enough slack that Will could breathe. ¡°STOP!¡± Skullcrusher shouted, which was doubly unnecessary given that Will couldn¡¯t move and was close enough to smell his peanut-buttery breath.

    ¡°I¡¯m not letting you ruin this for me,¡± Skullcrusher shouted. ¡°I¡¯m NOT!¡±

    ¡°Ruin what?¡± Will managed to ask. ¡°What are you planning?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m not telling you,¡± Skullcrusher said, but Will noticed that he loosened his grip so that Will could talk freely. ¡°You wouldn¡¯t get it.¡±

    This novel is published on a different platform. Support the original author by finding the official source.

    ¡°I study freshwater invertebrates for a living,¡± Will said. This wasn¡¯t technically true, but it was something he was planning to do, assuming he did in fact save the world and get to go home.

    ¡°There are mussels that purify water as well as the best machines,¡± Will continued. ¡°And a kind of insect that swims around on its back, using surface tension to skate under the surface of water. There¡¯s a spider that lives its entire life in an air-filled web underwater.¡±

    ¡°And nobody cares! I get it, okay? It feels like nobody cares.¡± Will paused to breathe. ¡°But I care. I think your research is amazing. I think it can help people.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re lying,¡± Skullcrusher said softly. ¡°How would such a creature keep an air bubble breathable?¡±

    ¡°The spider¡¯s web keeps the bubble stable and is fine enough to allow gasses to diffuse into the water. Oxygen flows in and carbon dioxide flows out.¡±

    ¡°Incredible,¡± Skullcrusher said. He got to his feet and flicked the incandescent lights of the lab back on, dazzling both Will and himself.

    The lab looked like a greenhouse, with plants growing from every wall. Tables and equipment were strewn haphazardly across the room, and it was a small miracle Will had only run into one. Ripped plants and piles of spilled fertilizer dotted the floor, and Will was pretty sure most of that wasn¡¯t his fault.

    Skullcrusher looked upset in a way Will hadn¡¯t expected, like a dog anticipating a scolding. The gnoll hunched over a desk, face ashen.

    ¡°What are you really doing here?¡± Will asked again. ¡°Who are you working for?¡±

    ¡°I truly don¡¯t know,¡± said Skullcrusher plainly. ¡°The master is very secretive. I design plants for him and he pays for my research. His ultimate goal, and what I¡¯m really working on, is a cultivable warp flower.¡±

    ¡°Like the kind Daphnis grows?¡± Will asked.

    ¡°Sort of. The master wants something more reliable. He doesn¡¯t trust the kind Daphnis grows, he wants something entirely unlike it. Something with deeper roots.¡±

    ¡°So, same goal, different start?¡± Will asked.

    ¡°If you like,¡± Skullcrusher said. From a compartment in his desk he extracted a bleached-white animal bone, which he began gnawing on between sentences. ¡°I¡¯m close to a breakthrough, I know it, but the master is starting to lose patience.¡±

    ¡°The master will be¡­ disappointed with me when he finds out I¡¯ve had so many setbacks,¡± Skullcrusher continued, suddenly cowering in fear from an invisible enemy. ¡°...And then I¡¯ll be out of a job and I¡¯ll have to move back in with my brothers and I¡¯ll spend the rest of my life gutting eels on a houseboat.¡±

    ¡°It sounds like you¡¯re jumping to the worst-case scenario,¡± Will said calmly. ¡°Several men had false memories that seemed to originate from here, do you know anything about that?¡±

    ¡°The last time I saw the master in person was a few months ago, where I gave another of his minions a weapon I had developed.¡±

    ¡°Was the weapon a nettle hydra in a jar?¡± Will asked.

    ¡°Yes!¡± Skullcrusher said, ears raised in surprise and curiosity. ¡°Did you see it in action? Were you impressed?¡±

    ¡°It was great,¡± Will said encouragingly. ¡°But it replaced a gift for Daphnis the scribe, and we were sent to apprehend whoever was responsible. Daphnis himself¡ª¡°

    ¡°Wait,¡± Skullcrusher said, perking up. ¡°I tricked a scribe? I unleashed a monster upon his feast?¡±

    ¡°I guess you could put it that way,¡± Will said. ¡°It was certainly your hydra, at least.¡±

    Skullcrusher giggled excitedly to himself. ¡°It¡¯s settled. You will take me to Daphnis and I will gloat before him. He will punish and scorn me, and I¡¯ll be infamous. An iconoclast, a rebel, a bad boy. Everyone will want to see my creations. It¡¯s flawless.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m not sure I¡¯d call it¡ª¡°

    ¡°Silence!¡± Skullcrusher shouted, standing up as tall as he could. ¡°I must gather my things. If I am to be your prisoner, I can¡¯t leave anything important behind.¡±

    Skullcrusher began rummaging through the lab, tossing objects into discrete piles. If one was ¡®keep¡¯ and the other ¡®leave,¡¯ Will couldn¡¯t tell the difference.

    ¡°You¡¯re taking this remarkably well,¡± Will observed.

    ¡°When opportunity beckons, it¡¯s best to lubricate quickly!¡±

    ¡°Right,¡± said Will. ¡°Not how I would put it, but okay.¡±

    Will sat down on a stone column that had been turned into a bench. He wondered where everyone was, and if Glory really couldn¡¯t detect him at all.

    ¡°You said he was looking for people from earth,¡± Will prompted. ¡°Do you know why?¡±

    ¡°No,¡± said Skullcrusher. ¡°He stressed it, but never elaborated why. I suspect it¡¯s connected to the warp flower research.¡±

    ¡°He wants to go to earth?¡± Will asked. He had a sudden, terrible, absurd vision of what an alien invasion from Planet XXXIV might look like.

    ¡°It¡¯s just a hypothesis,¡± Skullcrusher said. ¡°Truthfully, I only picked up where you were from because the master provided a list of words and phrases he suspected earthlings would use.¡±

    ¡°How would he know that?¡± Will asked. He suddenly felt as though he were being watched, or had been for a long time.

    ¡°Again, I don¡¯t know. Historical records, maybe.¡±

    ¡°How many people from earth have come here?¡± Will asked. ¡°And if you say you don¡¯t know again I¡¯ll scream.¡±

    ¡°I¡­ uh,¡± Skullcrusher paused. ¡°Somewhere between one and one thousand. Just a hypothesis.¡±

    Will directed his existential angst away from Skullcrusher, who of course couldn¡¯t be faulted for not knowing everything. He would have to have words with Glory, though.

    As if on cue, Glory burst through the ceiling of the lab, followed immediately by a giant ice worm and half a ton of gravelly slush. This was, Will decided, absolutely fucking typical.

 I Spent an Extremely Long Time Deciding on a Worm Pun

    Glorious Purpose analyzed Will¡¯s emotional state and surface-level thoughts and cross-referenced them against similar situations. The results were not good.

    This wasn¡¯t because of the ice worm, which was currently chasing after Glory. Will had found out a piece of information that upset him, which was why Glory hadn¡¯t felt the need to share it.

    If Will had asked, Glory would have answered honestly. At least, this was what he told himself.

    The fact that Will could not ask because he had no way of knowing it was a question with an answer was only a slight wrinkle in Glory¡¯s otherwise-flawless logic.

    Will wanted to know how many men from earth had come here, and how many had gotten to go home. These were fair questions, and ones with no answer that would make Will feel better.

    The ice worm was of secondary concern, a footnote in Glory¡¯s assessment. It was, admittedly, a long footnote.

    Using a massive, heated horn, the worm could burrow through ice and soft stone. The plan to use it to break into the gnoll¡¯s laboratory and rescue Will had been a very impromptu one.

    Things were not going according to that plan. Will had talked down Skullfuck Bonecrusher on his own, for one thing, rendering the worm obsolete. The worm was not willing to accept its own superfluousness.

    For another, Will wasn¡¯t grateful to be rescued. He was deeply annoyed more than anything, which was an actual worst-case scenario.

    Keeping Will invested was the most important thing, which meant that him being truly annoyed beyond a margin of sardonic error was something to be avoided at all costs.

    Glory improvised. ¡°You seem to be handling things well,¡± he said congenially as he was crushed under the worm¡¯s coils.

    ¡°I was,¡± Will agreed. ¡°We need to talk.¡±

    ¡°Can it wait until after we defeat the worm?¡± Glory asked. ¡°I think that¡¯s a fair request.¡±

    Will took a deep breath. He recalled the feelings in the bar, the anger he had felt. He thought about slipping into it again, but stopped himself. He wasn¡¯t going to risk his life to prove some kind of stupid point.

    Instead, Will leapt up the wall, using a twisting plant like a spring to jump up to a worm¡¯s-eye view. On the floor above, Virgil was frantically flipping through a book.

    A tremor loosened a number of icicles from the next floor up, which dropped en masse. Without looking up, Virgil shielded himself from the volley, with only one icicle slipping past. Will broke that one into harmless powder with a crack of his whip.

    ¡°What are you doing?¡± Will asked. It came out harsher than he had meant to sound, and Virgil looked up at him in surprise.

    ¡°I know I have something to deal with the worm, I just need time,¡± Virgil said urgently, barely moving. Suddenly he looked back up at Will, meeting his gaze. He looked like he wanted to say something, but didn¡¯t.

    ¡°Okay,¡± Will said, averting his own gaze. ¡°I¡¯ll buy you time.¡±

    Will leapt off the floor and grabbed onto the worm, which was flailing confusedly. Unable to dig through the metal laboratory, it slammed against the walls and floor, roaring. It seemed unable to wriggle out, and as it attempted to do so it only wedged itself deeper. Will jumped again to the other side of the chamber, just on top of the metal ceiling of the lab. He considered what might grab a giant ice worm¡¯s attention.

    ¡°Hey!¡± Will shouted, simply running down the short list of things he thought might motivate such a creature. ¡°Over here!¡±

    If the worm was aware of Will¡¯s existence, it didn¡¯t show it. Below him, Glory and Skullcrusher were pushing the worm away from the botanist¡¯s research with adequate success.

    ¡°Where are the others?¡± Will shouted, though he knew Glory didn¡¯t need to actually hear Will to converse.

    ¡°Dio¡¯s alive but unconscious,¡± Glory said in Will¡¯s mind. ¡°Rex was eaten.¡±

    Will winced internally. Even if Rex would return later, that had to be a terrible way to go.

    ¡°Actually, he¡¯s alive,¡± Glory corrected. ¡°The worm barely chews and Rex has extra acid resistance courtesy of another potion. This was part of the plan.¡±

    ¡°Okay,¡± Will said flatly. ¡°How are we planning to get him out?¡±

    ¡°I can extract him safely if we can hold the worm still,¡± said Glory.

    ¡°And if we can¡¯t?¡±

    ¡°The potion wears off in about six hours.¡±

    Will grumbled. ¡°Ask Skullcrusher if he¡¯s got any more of that moss.¡±

    Glory was silent for a moment. ¡°Yes, he has clippings of it in a storeroom to the east. I can fetch some if you take over down here.¡±

    Will nodded and jumped down back into the lab, where the worm had taken up most of the area. Skullcrusher was hitting the worm with what looked like a steampunk weedwhacker, but was backed into a corner with one of the piles from earlier.

    ¡°Your friends have an interesting definition of rescue,¡± Skullcrusher said ruefully.

    ¡°Yeah,¡± Will agreed. The worm slithered around, whacking the both of them with its tail as its head wrapped around to look at them. It roared and tried to snap at Skullcrusher.

    Will jumped up and grabbed onto the worm¡¯s snout, which felt like cement on a hot day. It was actually kind of nice after dealing with the cold, Will thought stupidly, as he wrapped his whip around the tip.

    He pulled, causing the worm to swerve upwards and bash its head into the wall. The worm bellowed, swinging Will into the wall as well, where he smashed into it with a nasty crunch. He laid there limply, groaning incoherently.

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    Glory appeared, dumping carnivorous moss onto the worm¡¯s head. He guarded Skullcrusher and Will as the worm thrashed, slowed, and eventually stopped.

    The only sound in the room was the worm¡¯s labored breathing. Even though it had stopped moving, it still took up almost all of the room.

    Glory brought an unconscious Will and Skullcrusher to the floor above next to Virgil, then disappeared into the worm to fetch Rex.

    Will opened his eyes, attempted to get up, and swore. ¡°Jesus Christ that hurts!¡± He said, clutching his leg.

    ¡°You broke your leg,¡± Virgil said matter-of-factly. He was now sketching a series of interlocking circles in the snow with a finger.

    ¡°I can see that,¡± Will said, wincing. ¡°Can you do anything for it?¡±

    Virgil blinked, again apparently wanting to say something. ¡°Yes, of course. Sorry.¡±

    Virgil sat down perpendicular to Will and grabbed him by the ankle and thigh. Golden light swirled around Will¡¯s leg as Virgil muttered something under his breath.

    Virgil pushed Will¡¯s leg up until his knee was sharply bent, which Will had expected to hurt but didn¡¯t. Then Virgil let go and stood back.

    Will got up to a sitting position but Virgil forbade him from trying to stand.

    ¡°You should give it a bit,¡± Virgil warned. ¡°I¡¯m not as good as Glory is at that.¡±

    ¡°Thank you,¡± Will said. ¡°You did great.¡±

    Virgil smiled and returned to whatever magic he had been doing before.

    Glory reappeared, setting an exhausted and clammy Rex down a short ways away.

    ¡°How was the worm¡¯s digestive tract?¡± Will asked.

    Rex gave a thumbs-up and smiled with more enthusiasm than Will thought was warranted.

    ¡°I¡¯m going to grab Dio, then we should head back into town,¡± Glory said. ¡°Will, can you give me a hand?¡±

    Glory put a hand on Will¡¯s shoulder, giving him one final burst of energy that made him feel like a million bucks.

    ¡°Sure,¡± Will said, getting up. He turned to Skullcrusher, who had been sitting on the edge of the floor staring down at the worm for the past while. ¡°Can you guys keep an eye on our¡­ prisoner? Make sure he¡¯s doing alright?¡±

    Virgil and Rex both nodded. Will hoped this was good enough, and turned to join Glory as he floated down an icy tunnel.

    ¡°Are you certain you want to know?¡± Glory asked. ¡°I don¡¯t think you will like the answers.¡±

    ¡°Well when you put it like that I feel like I need to,¡± Will said.

    ¡°That¡¯s true,¡± said Glory, sighing. ¡°Okay. You are the sixty-ninth person that¡¯s been brought here.¡±

    ¡°Okay, and how many of them were from earth?¡± Will asked.

    ¡°Sixty-nine,¡± Glory said.

    Will considered this. ¡°So you only grab people from earth,¡± he said. It wasn¡¯t a question.

    ¡°Yes,¡± Glory said with slight hesitation. ¡°The first connection was with earth, and once that doorway is open it¡¯s easier to use it again than to open another.¡±

    ¡°And why was the first one from earth?¡± Will asked.

    ¡°Virgil told you when you first arrived,¡± Glory said. ¡°Earth is not so different from here, and so it¡¯s less dangerous to transfer between the two. That part was true.¡±

    ¡°But it wasn¡¯t the whole truth,¡± Will concluded.

    ¡°No,¡± said Glory. ¡°Don¡¯t blame Virgil for that. He didn¡¯t know at the time either.¡±

    ¡°You kept that from everyone,¡± Will said, voice perfectly flat.

    ¡°You think we are deliberately targeting earth,¡± Glory said. ¡°But that¡¯s reductive.¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t think it¡¯s fair that you¡¯re kidnapping people from just earth,¡± Will said, though of course Glory already knew that.

    ¡°So would it be better if we kidnapped more sentient viruses from six multiverses down?¡± Glory asked. ¡°Or from the baby-eaters of Iridium XII?¡±

    Those weren¡¯t rhetorical questions, Will knew, but he found himself annoyed all the same. ¡°I¡¯m just saying, that¡¯s sixty-eight other men. How many of them got to go home?¡±

    ¡°Thirteen,¡± Glory supplied automatically. ¡°But an important piece of context is that many of them didn¡¯t want to return to earth. They chose to stay here.¡±

    Will was about to derisively ask why anyone in their right mind would stay here, before remembering that he wasn¡¯t the target audience. ¡°Okay, that actually is good context.¡±

    ¡°We don¡¯t just find people randomly,¡± Glory said. ¡°You¡¯re very unusual in that you¡¯re not¡­¡± Glory considered what to say.

    ¡°Gay,¡± Will supplied.

    ¡°Yes,¡± Glory said, nodding. ¡°Though technically that¡¯s not the only angle of compatibility.¡±

    ¡°I get it,¡± said Wil, waving a hand dismissively. ¡°I don¡¯t like that you kept that from me.¡±

    ¡°I know,¡± Glory said.

    ¡°I need to be able to trust you,¡± Will continued.

    ¡°I know,¡± said Glory.

    ¡°It¡­ God this sounds corny¡­ it hurt my feelings that you didn¡¯t trust me,¡± Will said with some finality.

    ¡°I know,¡± repeated Glory. ¡°I do need to trust you.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m not going back to earth,¡± Will said. This was something he had known for some time, but had never articulated. ¡°At least until we¡¯re done. But you knew that already.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯ve known that for a long time, yes,¡± Glory agreed, smiling faintly.

    ¡°We should probably actually find Dio,¡± Will said, reminding himself of what they were actually meant to be doing.

    ¡°Oh, he made it back on his own a short while ago,¡± Glory said.

    ¡°Okay,¡± said Will, turning around. ¡°Are there any other bombshells you need to drop on me before we head back?¡±

    Glory considered this. ¡°There¡¯s one, but¡ª¡°

    ¡°Lay it on me,¡± Will said. ¡°I can take it.¡±

    ¡°I really don¡¯t think you¡¯ll want to hear it,¡± Glory warned. ¡°It¡¯s not my place to¡ª¡°

    ¡°Glory, tell me. It¡¯s not your job to decide what I need to hear.¡±

    ¡°If you insist,¡± Glory said. He sighed, thinking about how to put it.

    ¡°You¡¯re stalling, just tell me!¡± Will said, exasperation creeping into his voice.

    Glory told Will this final secret. Will did not, in fact, enjoy hearing it.

    ¡°I don¡¯t believe you.¡± Will said.

    ¡°I know,¡± Glory said.

    ¡°I¡¯m not gay.¡± Will said, his heart rate and breathing beginning to accelerate. ¡°I¡¯m not!¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s correct,¡± Glory said, entirely unsure of what to do. ¡°But you¡¯re not straight, either.¡±

 A Noticable Lack of Straight Answers

    Will¡¯s overwhelming instinct was to run, but he choked the impulse down.

    ¡°You don¡¯t know what you¡¯re talking about,¡± Will said.

    ¡°Unlikely but not impossible,¡± said Glory. The angel spoke calmly and deliberately, as though trying to avoid spooking a wild animal.

    ¡°You¡¯re lying. You¡¯re lying or you¡¯re wrong or you¡¯re lying about being wrong.¡±

    ¡°Maybe,¡± Glory said. ¡°Maybe I am wrong. You know yourself better than I know you. I apologize.¡±

    Will blinked, taken slightly aback. ¡°You¡¯re not supposed to say that. You¡¯re supposed to¡­¡± he trailed off, deflated.

    ¡°Argue with you?¡± Glory asked. ¡°Will, I can see the argument between us you¡¯ve constructed in your head and it won¡¯t do either of us any good to have it.¡±

    ¡°So, that¡¯s it? You were just wrong?¡± Will asked suspiciously.

    ¡°I¡¯m smart enough to admit that I don¡¯t know everything,¡± Glory said, shrugging.

    ¡°And to know when you need to lie to save your ass,¡± Will countered bitterly.

    ¡°This is also an argument that won¡¯t go anywhere,¡± Glory said. ¡°I gave you my hypothesis, but I can¡¯t make you believe it. I¡¯m sorry it¡¯s not what you wanted to hear.¡±

    The adrenaline pumping through Will¡¯s brain and body told him to fight or flee, ignoring the fact that he had nobody to fight and nowhere to run. ¡°Don¡¯t say things like that,¡± he said.

    ¡°Alright,¡± said Glory. ¡°We should get out of this old dungeon. Virgil has the worm situation under control.¡±

    ¡°You head back,¡± said Will. ¡°I think I want to be alone for a bit.¡±

    Glory nodded and vanished into a wall, taking a shortcut through solid ice and stone.

    Will sat down cross-legged on a flat, cold stone. He closed his eyes. He wished he was warm, or sitting on something more comfortable than a boulder, or had more time than however long it would take for Glory to start worrying.

    What he did have was solitude, which had been a rare commodity in his life lately. He intended to savor it.

    Glory appeared from a wall back with the rest of the group, where Virgil and Doctor Bonecrusher were carefully separating the ice worm from the botanist¡¯s aggressive moss.

    Virgil had shrunk the worm down to a few feet long, like a particularly rotund snake. It was currently unconscious, which was probably for the best.

    With a dagger Doctor Bonecrusher scraped the moss into a large jar, which was mostly full of moss and a few dollops of peanut butter for it to suck nourishment from.

    ¡°Where¡¯s Will?¡± Virgil asked, looking up at Glory.

    ¡°He asked for some space,¡± Glory said.

    ¡°For?¡± Virgil prompted, putting the worm down. It burrowed into the slushy ground, grumbling.

    ¡°I¡¯m not at liberty to say,¡± Glory said coolly.

    ¡°He¡¯s jerking off,¡± Dio ventured. Rex echoed the sentiment with a lewd hand gesture.

    Glory shut his eye in apparent frustration. ¡°I¡¯m not telling you what he¡¯s doing. That¡¯s the point of privacy.¡±

    ¡°Definitely jerking off,¡± Dio repeated. ¡°Back me up here, Virge.¡±

    Virgil looked like he¡¯d been slapped. ¡°I¡¯m not sure¡ª¡°

    ¡°That makes no sense,¡± Bonecrusher countered. ¡°Why would the satyr bother relieving himself alone when he could have company? Maybe the halfling.¡± He pointed to Virgil with a foot, causing him to suddenly flush in embarrassed shock.

    ¡°You know what, maybe Will does have a point,¡± Glory said. ¡°You could all stand to keep some questions to¡ª¡°

    ¡°What do I have a point about?¡± Will asked, surprising Glory and causing the angel to spin around to face him.

    ¡°About respecting people¡¯s privacy,¡± Glory finished, suddenly again calmly polite.

    ¡°Ah,¡± Will said coolly. He looked past Glory, to where everyone else was staring at him.

    ¡°Is everyone ready to go?¡± Will asked. ¡°I¡¯m sick of the cold.¡±

    Skullcrusher needed slightly more help gathering his belongings. As he picked up a few scattered books, he ran a paw through the shredded remains of what had been a tomato plant.

    ¡°You gonna miss this place?¡± Will asked over the gnoll¡¯s shoulder.

    ¡°Certainly,¡± Skullcrusher said, picking up a miraculously-uncrushed tomato and rolling it in one paw. ¡°Though I won¡¯t miss the solitude.¡±

    ¡°I can imagine it¡¯s pretty lonely,¡± Will said, nodding.

    Skullcrusher dropped the tomato, which bounced slightly off the floor. ¡°You have no idea. Working in secrecy was so isolating.¡±

    ¡°What are you planning to do now?¡± Will asked.

    ¡°Once I¡¯m arrested, I plan on breaking out of prison and selling my products and expertise on the black market,¡± Skullcrusher said proudly.

    ¡°Would you like to work with us?¡± Will asked, aware it was an impulsive thing to offer.

    ¡°Saving the world?¡± Skullcrusher asked. ¡°That won¡¯t serve my new roguish aesthetic.¡±

    This book''s true home is on another platform. Check it out there for the real experience.

    ¡°Bad guys are always helping heroes save the world from existential destruction,¡± Will said, again impulsively. ¡°You can hardly rule the world if there¡¯s no world to rule.¡±

    ¡°A not-invalid point,¡± Skullcrusher said. He turned to Will with a suddenly manic expression. ¡°You like me,¡± he said, then broke into hysterical laughter.

    ¡°Pardon?¡± Will asked, stepping back slightly.

    ¡°You respect me as a peer and empathize with my problems!¡± Skullcrusher continued, laughing as though this was the funniest thing in the world.

    ¡°I don¡¯t see your point,¡± Will said, suddenly afraid that he¡¯d done something wrong and was being laughed at.

    ¡°It¡¯s just nice to be appreciated,¡± Skullcrusher said, finally and abruptly no longer laughing.

    Will changed the subject, still feeling on edge. He idly wondered when he would stop feeling so heavily scrutinized. ¡°Did you eat much of this produce?¡± He asked. ¡°I can¡¯t imagine why you¡¯d grow it, otherwise.¡±

    ¡°I can¡¯t eat much plant matter unless it¡¯s heavily processed,¡± Skullcrusher said, dangling a large but now damaged carrot. ¡°I grow mundane plants as control specimens and test subjects. I could grow anything, really, but these remind me of home.¡±

    ¡°You said you grew up on a houseboat?¡± Will asked.

    ¡°Yes!¡± Skullcrusher said, evidently pleased that Will remembered this detail. ¡°It¡¯s hitched to a chinampa, a floating garden. My family farms fish, but I always liked the garden more, even if I couldn¡¯t eat much of it.¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s incredible!¡± Will said, brightening. ¡°I actually work with aquaponic systems combining plants and animals to produce food.¡±

    Skullcrusher giggled. ¡°I¡¯m amused by that coincidence.¡±

    The two of them finished gathering all of Skullcrusher¡¯s belongings, which Glory mostly teleported back to the inn. He also teleported everyone to the first room of the dungeon, but admitted that any further was not possible for that many people. Will thought the angel was beginning to look tired, which he was slightly concerned by.

    ¡°I¡¯ll be fine with some rest,¡± Glory whispered in his mind, because of course he could hear what Will was thinking and couldn¡¯t let Will privately speculate on anything ever. ¡°My energy is not inexhaustible. Between Virgil and I we burned through a lot today.¡±

    ¡°You share with Virgil?¡± Will asked. It took an odd look from Rex to realize he had asked aloud.

    ¡°Some of Virgil¡¯s magic comes from himself, but he relies on me for the strongest spells.¡±

    ¡°How are we planning to get back to Wolf¡¯s Whistle?¡± Dio asked.

    The sun was just about past the horizon, bathing the mountains in the last shreds of orange daylight. It was a beautiful view, but not the best time of day to trek through a taiga.

    Glory looked uncharacteristically cagey, like he was cheating at some game. ¡°I suppose I could summon the chariot again.¡±

    Virgil made a face. ¡°Do you really want to use it again? I know it¡¯s not¡ª¡°

    ¡°I don¡¯t really want to, but I want you to trek through a boreal forest at night even less. Maybe my father¡¯s not interested in bothering me about it.¡± Glory said, interrupting Virgil. It sounded to Will like he was mostly trying to convince himself.

    Glory snapped his fingers and again the beetle-like chariot appeared, again with zero fanfare. Glory looked at it apprehensively, as though expecting something terrible to happen, but nothing did.

    ¡°Okay,¡± Glory said, clasping his hands together. ¡°Maybe this will work after all.¡±

    Like before, the chariot¡¯s wings folded upwards, revealing an empty hollow where a beetle¡¯s abdomen would be, lined with seats arranged in a divot-like formation. Glory beckoned for everyone to step up into the chariot.

    Will thought he saw Glory pick something up, but couldn¡¯t say what it was. The angel turned to face the rest of the party and met Will¡¯s eye. ¡°I¡¯m going to need to rest. Virgil should be able to cover for me if anything comes up. Goodnight, all.¡±

    Glory vanished into the pin Virgil wore. The chariot began plodding along through the snow, apparently unconcerned with such trivialities as visibility or barriers.

    The chariot was warmer than the surrounding woods, but not by much; uncomfortably cold as opposed to freezing.

    The potion Will had drunk several hours ago was beginning to wear off, and Will learned he¡¯d been relying on that antifreeze effect more than he realized.

    Virgil produced several wool blankets using Glory¡¯s wormhole trick, which he wordlessly distributed. The one he handed Will was deep purple with a golden trim, and had a four-petaled flower insignia on each corner, also gold.

    ¡°Have I seen this before?¡± Will asked, inspecting the blanket.

    ¡°Not this one specifically, probably,¡± Virgil said. ¡°Unless you¡¯ve been digging through the basement. This is from when my home was a bed-and-breakfast. Father always insisted on branding for everything.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re not a fan?¡± Will asked.

    Virgil shrugged. ¡°It¡¯s ancient history. Much of the stuff with that rose on it is packed up, but it¡¯s all over if you really look for it.¡±

    Will held a bunched-up part of the blanket in one hand, squeezing it. ¡°It¡¯s nice. Do you mind if I keep it?¡±

    Virgil looked surprised, but nodded. ¡°Sure, I guess. Better than leaving it in the basement again.¡±

    Will smiled, wrapping the blanket around himself. ¡°Thanks. It¡¯s really so soft, I wish I had one like it sooner.¡±

    ¡°Like when you went off by yourself earlier?¡± Virgil asked before he could stop himself.

    Will looked at the halfling strangely, then nodded. ¡°Now that you mention it, yeah, it would¡¯ve been nice.¡±

    ¡°Oh, good,¡± Virgil said, unable to formulate a better response. ¡°That wouldn¡¯t have made it too weird?¡±

    ¡°No, actually I think it would¡¯ve been perfect,¡± Will said.

    ¡°It wouldn¡¯t have made you think about me?¡± Virgil asked.

    ¡°Why would I be thinking about you in that situation?¡± Will asked, suddenly piercingly analytical.

    ¡°Oh, well, Glory said¡ª¡°

    ¡°I really don¡¯t want to talk about what Glory said,¡± Will said with an air of finality. ¡°I just think a blanket like this would be great at muffling sounds.¡±

    ¡°Muffling¡­?¡± Virgil asked.

    ¡°You know, because I was sitting by myself, screaming.¡±

    ¡°Oh, yes, of course, screaming. Right!¡± Virgil said, awkwardness shutting off the parts of his brain responsible for social reasoning and language. ¡°Screaming. In the dark. All by yourself. That¡¯s what I thought you were doing.¡±

    ¡°Okay,¡± said Will. ¡°Glad we cleared that up.¡±

    ¡°Boooooo!¡± Jeered Dio, who was laying down facing away from Virgil and Will but evidently not ignoring them.

    ¡°No commentary, please,¡± Will said firmly, to which Dio snickered but said nothing.

    ¡°Do you do that often?¡± Virgil asked. ¡°Screaming like that, I mean.¡±

    ¡°When I was a kid, yeah,¡± Will said. ¡°After a bad day of school or something I¡¯d go to my room and scream into the pillow until my throat hurt.¡±

    ¡°Did it help?¡± Virgil asked.

    ¡°Sometimes,¡± Will said, shrugging. ¡°This time it did.¡±

    ¡°What made you feel the need to?¡±

    Will looked up, watching the stars twinkle above the treeline. Scattered clouds cut swaths of darkness through the glittering motes of light. ¡°I just felt¡­ overwhelmed. I needed some catharsis. I¡¯m fine. It¡¯s not a big deal. Don¡¯t worry about it.¡±

    Virgil knew this was a lie, and Will knew Virgil knew that. Still, the two of them said nothing as the chariot marched through the cold autumn night.

 "Dad" is For the Cool Parent and "Father" is For the One That Insists On Being Called "Father"

    Will woke up, which meant he¡¯d fallen asleep. They were still in the forest, and the chariot wasn¡¯t moving. He sat up, scanning the area.

    Glory was leaning against a tree, looking both groggy and slightly choppy, like Will was watching the angel on a low-definition screen.

    ¡°You¡¯re awake,¡± he said, in a tone that suggested that he was annoyed but not with Will specifically. ¡°We have company.¡±

    A long, flat line of bronze and a series of interlocking silver rings appeared in the air beside Glory.

    The bronze line whirled around itself into a vortex of metal which created a body identical to Glory¡¯s and a single, spherical eye to match.

    Glory and the bronze angel looked at the line of rings expectantly. ¡°I¡¯m not doing that,¡± the rings said in a flatly petulant tone. ¡°Debase your forms if you wish but I¡¯m not participating.¡±

    Glory sighed. ¡°Will, this is Code of Honor and Hope Is a Weapon. They¡¯re here to talk.¡±

    The bronze one, Hope, put his hands together and stretched his arms, pointing his palms forward. ¡°Are you not even going to mention that we¡¯re family?¡±

    Glory looked slightly surprised by the question. ¡°Yes. Of course, they¡¯re my younger brothers.¡±

    The silver rings, Code of Honor, scoffed but didn¡¯t say anything.

    ¡°We¡¯re here to check on Glory. Father is worried sick about him.¡± Hope said.

    ¡°I¡¯m not going back,¡± Glory said. ¡°We¡¯ve had this conversation two-hundred and sixty-five times.¡±

    ¡°Two-hundred and sixty-six,¡± Code of Honor corrected.

    ¡°We¡¯re not here to take anyone anywhere,¡± Hope said, trying to smooth the tension. ¡°We just couldn¡¯t help but notice Glory¡¯s chariot was missing.¡±

    ¡°And you¡¯ve found it,¡± Glory said with waning patience. ¡°Does this mean you can go?¡±

    Hope smiled weakly. ¡°No,¡± he said, turning to Will. ¡°Would you mind doing us a favor? We¡¯ve been waiting for a bit for someone to wake up.¡±

    Will nodded once. ¡°What do you need?¡±

    ¡°We need a warm body to fight,¡± said Honor in a tone that suggested this was beneath him. ¡°Dad demanded blood be spilled.¡±

    Will wasn¡¯t sure he understood, having just woken up. ¡°Sorry, clarify? Why do we need to fight?¡±

    ¡°Dad likes knowing we can handle ourselves,¡± said Hope. ¡°He worries Glory¡¯s¡­ career choices have left him soft.¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s stupid, yes,¡± said Honor dully. ¡°A waste of time and blood for no sake other than its own. But it must be done.¡±

    ¡°There are no real consequences,¡± said Hope hopefully. ¡°It¡¯s just a test. There¡¯s two of us and one of Glory, so it¡¯s good if he has backup.¡±

    ¡°And you¡¯ve all been silently waiting for someone to wake up for this?¡± Will asked.

    ¡°Yes,¡± said Glory. ¡°We¡¯re not going to wake anyone up for something as trivial as a two-versus-two duel.¡±

    Will pretended to think about it to give him slightly more time to wake up. ¡°Okay, I¡¯m in.¡±

    Support creative writers by reading their stories on Royal Road, not stolen versions.

    The angels retreated some distance from the chariot, and Will followed, plodding through the snow unhappily.

    Hope, noticing Will¡¯s slowness, tossed him a small metal ring, which Will barely caught.

    ¡°Put it on,¡± Hope said pleasantly. ¡°It¡¯ll keep you warm.¡±

    Will turned over the ring in his hands. It was a strange shape for a ring, with a circular ruby preventing the band from laying flush against a finger.

    ¡°It¡¯s not a ring,¡± Glory said in his mind. ¡°It¡¯s a piercing.¡±

    Will kept himself from dropping it in surprise. He also bit down the argument forming in his mind and substituted something more practical. ¡°I can¡¯t wear this, I¡¯m not pierced anywhere.¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s magic,¡± Hope said encouragingly, appearing in front of Will slightly closer than Will was comfortable with. ¡°It can affix itself in place without needing any previous modification. May I?¡±

    ¡°Where are you planning on putting it?¡± Will asked suspiciously.

    ¡°Well, traditionally a captive ring piercing like this one is done through the nipple, a few different parts of the ear, through the lip or belly button, or as a Prince Albert.¡±

    Will gave Glory an aside glance. ¡°Do I want to know what a Prince Albert piercing is?¡± He asked.

    ¡°No,¡± said Glory apologetically.

    ¡°No piercings, please,¡± Will said, putting up a hand. ¡°I¡¯ll just live with the cold for now. But, uh, thank you. For offering.¡±

    Hope smiled respectfully and backed away. ¡°Of course. Why don¡¯t you hold onto it in case you change your mind? You can protect against all sorts of things just by swapping the gemstone out.¡±

    Will pocketed the ring before he could change his mind. Maybe he could figure out a way to wear it as a necklace or something, he rationalized.

    ¡°Are you done flirting?¡± Honor asked coolly.

    Hope turned, taken aback. ¡°I wasn¡¯t flirting! It¡¯s just not every day you meet someone from earth! I¡¯m showing hospitality!¡±

    Glory appeared next to Will, planting his feet on the snowy ground. Hope and Honor continued bickering, their psychic argument collapsing to unintelligible static to Will¡¯s merely mortal mind.

    ¡°Was he flirting?¡± Will asked.

    ¡°Does it matter?¡± Glory asked in reply.

    ¡°I guess not,¡± Will admitted.

    ¡°They mean well,¡± Glory said as Honor attempted to constrict Hope like an anaconda. ¡°But there¡¯s a reason they don¡¯t come down here very often.¡±

    ¡°I can see that,¡± Will said. ¡°Are most angels like this?¡±

    ¡°When they¡¯re young, yes,¡± said Glory, ¡°though Hope should have grown out of it by now.¡±

    ¡°Hope is older than Honor?¡± Will asked.

    ¡°By about twenty years, yes.¡±

    ¡°Can we leave?¡± Will asked. Hope was on the floor, trying to wrench Honor from his twisting copper neck. ¡°They seem pretty distracted.¡±

    ¡°Probably not, but try anyways. Maybe it will get their attention,¡± Glory suggested.

    ¡°Hey!¡± Will shouted, cupping his hands to his mouth like a megaphone. ¡°Are we done here? I¡¯m heading back to the chariot.¡±

    ¡°Wait!¡± said Honor, teleporting above Hope. ¡°Dad needs some proof that you can handle yourself.¡±

    ¡°What does father think about that?¡± Glory asked.

    ¡°Father doesn¡¯t¡­ know, exactly.¡± Hope said surreptitiously, poking two fingers together like a child caught stealing. ¡°We¡¯re not going to concern him with this yet.¡±

    ¡°Mm-hm,¡± Glory said flatly. ¡°So no, none of this actually matters?¡±

    ¡°It matters to dad.¡± Honor and Hope said in unison.

    Glory sighed and turned to Will. ¡°Sorry to drag you into this,¡± Glory said. He then turned to his brothers. ¡°Can we do this upstairs, actually? You know how frostbite is. I¡¯d hate to have to grow some new toes for Will.¡±

    ¡°He doesn¡¯t have toes,¡± Honor said sardonically. ¡°But fine.¡±

    ¡°You may want to hold onto something,¡± Glory told Will.

    Before Will had a chance to do so, or to argue that he had nothing to hold onto, he felt a sudden, distinct lack of gravity, and he fell upward, out of space.

 Interlude: Memory Plunder

    Perish the Thought opened his eye. He was drifting through a lightless abyss, searching for a pinprick of illumination in a field of identical, glimmering motes.

    He found it quickly. He was nothing if not efficient. The mindscape of Will Terronson was arranged like a layer cake, or more aptly, like a column of deep water.

    Under the shallows of his conscious mind, the subconscious was dark and constricting. The memory Perish was after was not, in abstract, particularly notable. It was a single event of only slightly above-average significance.

    But Perish knew that this wasn¡¯t how brains really worked. Significance is eminently subjective. The demon slipped through the cracks of the memory, manifesting within it.

    Like an oyster encasing a parasite in layers of nacre to form a pearl, Will¡¯s mind cloaked Perish in a form Will would find less objectionable. Or, at least, a form Will would remember as such.

    Two arms, two eyes. A human. How droll, Perish thought, before remembering that humans were the only things from Will¡¯s world that had bothered with civilization. He was a somewhat old man, dressed smartly.

    A teacher of some subject Will hadn¡¯t taken, and so didn¡¯t remember well. He was at a party, what Will called ¡°prom,¡± whatever that meant. A seventeen-year-old Will was sitting in one corner of a gymnasium that had been temporarily retrofitted to serve as a party venue. He was wearing a rented tuxedo that had seen better days.

    Doing something extremely foolish, Perish sat down next to Will, who looked up at him in surprise.

    ¡°Uh, hello Mr. Avelton,¡± the echo of Will said in mild surprise. ¡°Sorry, am I not supposed to sit here?¡±

    Perish was going off-script, which was impressive considering he hadn¡¯t had one. ¡°Nothing of the sort, Terronson. You just seemed a little down. Surely you¡¯d like to enjoy prom night?¡±

    Will made a disappointed noise. ¡°I¡¯d like to, sure. But¡­ I don¡¯t know. I don¡¯t have anyone to spend it with.¡±

    Perish scanned the memories related to this one, bolstering his understanding as he spoke. ¡°Your friends in extracurricular activities, such as¡­ Life Science¡­ club?¡±

    Will made the same noise again, this time slightly louder. ¡°Nobody wanted to come. Well, except Richie.¡±

    A new cascade of memories opened before Perish. Richie, Will¡¯s closest friend for most of high school. ¡°Well,¡± he said. ¡°Where is he?¡±

    Will didn¡¯t look up, but the memory bent to accommodate Perish¡¯s curiosity. Richie, wearing a white tuxedo of significantly higher quality than Will¡¯s, was chatting amicably with a number of girls.

    Perish was more familiar with the concept of femininity than most. As a creature of the mind, he was capable of projecting himself beyond the confines of his material reality with less difficulty than most, and exploring others with less investment. The distinction of male and female that so defined Will¡¯s understanding of other people was not lost on Perish. He did, however, still not ¡°get¡± it, and likely never would.

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    Whatever abstract qualities these humans possessed that defined them as ¡°girls¡± aside, Richie was on the periphery of a group of them, like a giraffe hyenas had parted before at a watering hole. There was no competition, no fear of confrontation. So long as there was no resource in contention, there was peace.

    Another glut of information filled in the gaps of Perish¡¯s understanding of the situation. ¡°So that¡¯s the game?¡± he said to himself.

    ¡°Hm?¡± said Will, looking at him.

    ¡°Don¡¯t worry about it,¡± Perish said. ¡°You should join your friend Richie. I¡¯m certain he would appreciate your company.¡±

    ¡°You know what,¡± Will said, getting up. ¡°You¡¯re right. Thank you, Mr. Avelton.¡±

    This was hardly over, Perish knew. Memories were always forgone conclusions.

    The echo of Will joining the echo of Richie changed the atmosphere of the little group. Suddenly, there was a lion wedged between the hyenas; not inherently a threat, if it was just here to drink, but something to be wary of.

    How unpleasant it must be, Perish thought, to have to think like that all the time.

    The chatter was meaningless; merely a jumble of words reassembled by Will¡¯s hazy memories. But at least Will was enjoying himself, now. Perish considered that worth something, at least.

    Time passed in a blur, the unimportant filler of Will¡¯s climactic little tragedy padding his recollection. Will had been dimly aware awards had been given out; he had not expected to have his name called.

    The spotlight that focused on him had probably not been so cold in the moment. He hadn¡¯t really been about to be dissected under such an unfeeling gaze.

    Another spotlight, this time on Richie. Will was confused. He knew that there were awards given out in recognition of service to the school, and that he was proud of the joint project he and Richie had undertaken in repairing its greenhouse.

    These two unrelated occurrences connected in his mind, and Will had been convinced that this was what it was about. His hard work was about to be rewarded.

    He and Richie walked up onto the short platform, spotlights warming. The room was dead silent, again likely a fabrication of Will¡¯s imperfect memory. A bored-looking faculty member scanned a cue-card in his hand, and read out ¡°To Reagan High¡¯s couple of the year.¡±

    Perish was unprepared for just how much this wounded Will. He had known, of course, that this was a painful memory. That was why he had sought it out. But that was, perhaps, foolish. The crowd of Will¡¯s peers laughed mirthlessly, some prank an unknown adversary had pulled.

    Had they known, at the time, how deeply this would affect Will? Would they have cared?

    A demon would have calculated with exacting detail how much this would sting, but mortals were fond of hurting each other in ways they could barely fathom.

    Even in this state, Will had known that not all of them had been in on the joke; that some were only laughing because everyone else was, but that provided no comfort.

    Will ran. Bolted, really, knocking over decorations and even a bowl of spiked punch as he did. Single-minded panic had gripped him, and the only thing he knew to do was to flee, put as much distance between him and everything else as possible.

    Perish didn¡¯t follow. He had seen all he needed to. He let the memory wash away, leaving him again suspended in the darkness. He took his only tool, a thin, sharp blade, and began severing this singular experience from Will¡¯s mind.

    He admired his handiwork. The swirling remnant of Will¡¯s misfortune separated perfectly. Perish, despite appearances, was not typically very prideful. But he was proud of this moment, at what he had done.

    Perish withdrew from Will¡¯s mind, yanked free like a fish on a reel. He again opened his eye, and retracted from Will¡¯s physical body.

    Will opened his eyes, peering at Perish with a mix of distrust and disappointment. ¡°Is that it? I don¡¯t feel any different,¡± he said flatly.

    ¡°You shouldn¡¯t,¡± said Perish. ¡°It was a precise strike. I¡¯m many things, but I¡¯m not sloppy.¡±

 Interlude: Enchanted Evening

    Rex was painfully aware that he was late. He was painfully aware of a lot of things, come to think of it, including that his hair was a mess, he hadn¡¯t gotten a chance to change out of his sooty overalls, and that he desperately needed something to drink.

    He was jogging through King¡¯s Hollow after jogging down the dirt path that led from it to the estate he lived and worked at. Rex wasn¡¯t much of a runner, but he managed a good clip. It wasn¡¯t why he was late, at least.

    The tiefling had been held up in the forge, as he often was. Technically nobody had forced him to stay late. Rex was nothing if not a perfectionist, though, and had spent longer than was at all reasonable to get his gift just right.

    Rex slowed, then stopped. This was the place. He reached into one of the many pockets on his overalls and felt for the piece of metal he had spent so long on, just as a nervous tic.

    He also took a different piece of metal from a different pocket, and magically reshaped it into a silver choker necklace, which he put on.

    ¡®The place¡¯ was a bakery whose name Rex didn¡¯t remember offhand, and which had no convenient signage to supply one. It was either new or Rex hadn¡¯t paid enough attention, or both.

    He stepped inside, acutely aware of how out-of-place he looked. This was something that normally didn¡¯t bother him, but did now.

    ¡°Hey,¡± said a voice. It tasted sweet and slightly sour, like lemonade, a fact Rex had never articulated.

    Rex had no concept of synesthesia as a neurological condition, and simply kept that idiosyncrasy to himself. He had enough other reasons for people to think he was weird, after all.

    The citrus-flavored voice belonged to his good friend Rico. ¡°You¡¯re late.¡±

    It wasn¡¯t phrased as an accusation, but Rex still felt defensive.

    [Sorry,] he said, in the clipped way he tended to sign when he was in a rush. [I got held up at work.]

    Rico, who was a giant, white-furred bat, twisted his head and ears in mild curiosity. ¡°Is that so? What was so important that it cut into our date?¡±

    [A surprise,] Rex settled on. [for you.]

    ¡°May I see it?¡± Rico asked.

    [No,] Rex said, sitting down across from Rico. [not yet.]

    Rico laughed. ¡°Alright, alright,¡± he folded his hands into a tented position on the table and rested his chin on them. ¡°How was your day?¡±

    [Fine,] Rex supplied automatically. [Yours?]

    ¡°Better now that you¡¯re here,¡± Rico said.

    Rex flushed, indigo blush dark against his lavender skin.

    ¡°You seem nervous,¡± Rico said.

    [I am nervous,] Rex agreed, again signing quickly.

    ¡°Don¡¯t be,¡± said Rico. ¡°It¡¯s just a date.¡±

    This tale has been unlawfully obtained from Royal Road. If you discover it on Amazon, kindly report it.

    [I don¡¯t do dates,] Rex said. [I never know what to say.]

    ¡°Try ¡®you have beautiful eyes,¡¯¡± Rico suggested.

    [You have beautiful eyes,] Rex parroted.

    ¡°Why thank you,¡± said Rico in faux-surprise. ¡°See, that wasn¡¯t so hard.¡±

    [Usually I don¡¯t need to elaborate afterwards,] Rex said. [just the pick-up line is enough.]

    ¡°Ah yes, casual hookups,¡± Rico said, in a tone that suggested respect and potential annoyance. ¡°Is that why you¡¯re here?¡±

    [No,] said Rex, again quickly. [Not at all. I agreed to a date. I¡¯m here for a date.]

    ¡°Why?¡± Rico asked.

    Rex stared uncomprehendingly at his friend.

    ¡°Why¡¯d you agree to go on a date?¡± Rico repeated.

    [Because¡­] Rex paused, deciding what to say. [You¡¯re different. You¡¯re my friend. I don¡¯t want to have sex just once. I want to have sex multiple times. I want to spend time with you. I want to talk about stupid shit that doesn¡¯t matter. I want you to know that I care about you.]

    ¡°I¡¯m not so special,¡± Rico said with a half-smile.

    [You¡¯re special to me.]

    The two of them chatted about nothing important for some time. Rex ate more quiches than was at all advisable.

    Then, before Rex knew it, an hour and a quarter had passed, and the sun was beginning to set, and the bakery was closing up. To avoid throwing anything away, they gave Rex a great deal on four pounds of sourdough bread.

    ¡°Why don¡¯t you walk me home?¡± Rico asked, voice low like dark chocolate.

    [You can fly,] Rex said, slinging the bag of bread over his shoulder to speak.

    ¡°You really don¡¯t go on any dates, do you?¡±

    Rex blushed at his lack of understanding. It was not often that he missed a double entendre.

    [Okay, I¡¯ll walk you home,] Rex signed sheepishly.

    The walk was not long. Rico lived above the shop he ran, which was a location Rex was very familiar with. The early night cloaked everything in a dark purple, Rico¡¯s white fur cutting through the darkness like a beam of moonlight.

    [You look nice tonight,] Rex, who was not much of a poet, said.

    Rico nodded in acknowledgment but didn¡¯t say anything, making Rex worry he had done something wrong.

    [Like the moon,] Rex added weakly.

    ¡°Like the moon?¡± Rico asked, his tone marshmallow-light.

    [Like the moon.] Rex repeated.

    By now the two of them were standing in front of Rico¡¯s shop. Rex fished into one of his many pockets and pulled out the pendant he had spent so long on.

    It was shaped like a crescent moon, and shimmered an orange-pink like rose gold. When Rex handed it to Rico, the color shifted to a glittering midnight blue.

    [Will told me about jewelry that changed color depending on the wearer¡¯s mood. He insisted that it wasn¡¯t magic and it was just reacting to body temperature or something, but it got me thinking.]

    Rex didn¡¯t mention that he had actually pressed Will for anything unique he might be able to make for tonight, or that the other ideas Will had given him were still upcoming.

    ¡°So it¡¯s jewelry from another world?¡± Rico asked, holding the pendant up. In his grasp the color lightened from dark blue to a dusky lavender, close to the color of Rex¡¯s own skin.

    [It¡¯s a mood pendant,] Rex said. [Not from another world, just inspired by it. Do you like it?]

    Rico laughed, a high-pitched noise that tasted of watermelon. ¡°I love it. It¡¯s perfect.¡±

    Rex smiled weakly as Rico gave him a peck on the forehead. ¡°Just like you.¡±

    Rico tied the pendant around a wrist, where it was beginning to shift again from purple to rosy pink.

    ¡°Why don¡¯t you come inside?¡± Rico asked, unlocking the door.

    Rex nodded enthusiastically. [Or you could. I¡¯m not picky.]

 In This Way Small Businesses are Much Like Hermit Crabs

    To Will, it felt like he had just been yanked out of space. This was because, in a sense, he had been.

    He had been pulled into a layer of reality just above the one he was familiar with, and the world shimmered below him as if submerged in a shallow lagoon of stained glass.

    An angel is not limited by merely three dimensions. What to a mortal looks like an entire being is merely a slice of something larger and stranger dipping through into the world from outside of it.

    Will was not able to perceive the fourth dimension, as such, and so could not behold the sublime beauty of the true angelic form and subsequently weep with joy at the sight.

    Instead, he tried very hard to not throw up, and eventually succeeded. Glory handed him a damp towel to cover his face for a few moments.

    ¡°Warn a guy before you do that next time,¡± Will said, more confused than belligerent.

    ¡°Sorry,¡± Glory said. ¡°Only fifteen percent of mortals have such an adverse reaction to this mode of transportation.¡±

    ¡°Lucky me.¡± Will said flatly. He looked down at the world below him. ¡°Where are we?¡±

    ¡°A layer of reality ana to the one you are used to,¡± Glory said. ¡°Ana meaning a higher point in the fourth dimension.¡±

    ¡°The fourth dimension.¡± Will said flatly. It wasn¡¯t a question.

    ¡°I¡¯m¡­ approximating. It¡¯s hard to explain to non-angels.¡± Glory admitted. ¡°The point is, it¡¯s somewhere neutral.¡±

    Will kneeled down and touched the shimmering, translucent floor. It rippled slightly at his touch, but didn¡¯t give at all, like wobbly concrete. ¡°Is this¡­ heaven?¡± Will asked.

    ¡°In the sense that angels live here, yes,¡± Glory said. ¡°We don¡¯t usually call it that, though.¡±

    ¡°Seems awfully dull,¡± Will said, looking around. The place was perfectly flat as far as Will could tell, with the horizon obscured by a distant haze of fog or dust.

    ¡°Well, a bit.¡± Glory admitted, sounding defensive. ¡°It¡¯s an empty lot. It¡¯s not all like this.¡±

    Will made a noise of affirmation but kept looking for any sign of¡­ well, anything.

    ¡°Are you done with the exposition?¡± Honor asked, sounding bored. The silver rings that comprised his physical form tightened and swirled into a more organic, serpentine shape. Hope floated at his side, seemingly finding the exchange amusing.

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    ¡°One more bit,¡± Glory said, turning from Will to Honor then back. ¡°I, Honor, and Hope can reshape the environment.¡±

    To demonstrate, Glory made a fist in the empty air and pulled a hexagonal column of heaven-matter from the ground, the structure reflecting light in strange ways. As Glory unclenched, the shaft sank back into the ground.

    ¡°Well, that seems slightly unfair,¡± Will said. ¡°What¡¯s to stop you from just trapping me in a pit, or something?¡±

    Hope looked to Honor, who probably looked back, though it was hard to know for sure without eyes. The look said ¡®what is stopping us?¡¯

    ¡°I suggest we construct an arena ahead of time, and don¡¯t manipulate it afterwards. Is that agreeable?¡± Glory asked.

    ¡°And why would we agree to your terms?¡± Honor asked shrewdly.

    ¡°Because I¡¯m only here because it¡¯s less annoying than the alternative, and you¡¯re trying my patience.¡± Glory said flatly.

    ¡°That¡¯s a good point,¡± Hope said aloud to Honor, which meant he wanted to be heard agreeing.

    ¡°Fine.¡± Honor grumbled. ¡°What arena do you suggest?¡±

    ¡°Any suggestions, Will?¡± Glory asked.

    ¡°How would I know?¡± Will asked, harsher than he meant. ¡°I¡¯ve never been in a gladiatorial arena before.¡±

    ¡°Picture someplace familiar. Somewhere you know the layout well enough that we can recreate it and you can navigate it.¡±

    Will considered this. The places he frequented didn¡¯t generally lend themselves to ritualized combat. He found his mind drifting to, of all things, the game store he worked at, and the mall it was located inside.

    It had been run-down and unfashionable when Will had been born, but it had somehow stuck around. Most of the stores were local, small businesses that had moved into the vacant lots left by chain stores and restaurants, including the one Will worked at.

    ¡°This is a strong memory,¡± Glory said, eye focusing on the empty space in front of him. ¡°I can use this.¡±

    The three angels assembled a translucent, shimmering facade that resembled the mall as Will recalled it. There were no people, and the structures became less and less realistic the further away they were, but it was still pretty impressive in Will¡¯s opinion.

    Will opened the door to Dice to Meet You, the game store he worked at. Inside, the recreation was lavishly detailed, down to the branding on the boxes of cards.

    The nostalgia was so focused it pierced Will¡¯s heart like a drill. He wanted to explore more, to drown himself in this memory, but he was tapped on the shoulder by Glory.

    ¡°I know this is¡­ challenging,¡± Glory said diplomatically, ¡°but I think it¡¯s better for everyone if we just get started. I¡¯ve stalled long enough as-is.¡±

    Will nodded and turned, stepping back out into the wide hallway. Hope and Honor were sitting on a padded bench, Honor draped over the thing like a tree snake.

    ¡°We aren¡¯t holding together a megastructure for tearful reunions, you know,¡± Honor said bitterly.

    ¡°I thought it was good,¡± Hope said politely. ¡°It was a vulnerable moment.¡±

    ¡°I could do without the peanut gallery,¡± Will said in response, which earned a laugh from Glory and Hope and a disgruntled noise from Honor.

    Glory mimicked the sound of someone clearing their throat. ¡°If that¡¯s everything, I¡¯d like to get started.¡±

 Glorys Contract Forbids Usage of Most Magical Equipment (But Virgil can share his)

    From nowhere, Glory pulled out a sword that appeared to be made of stained glass. Shards of it hovered between the separated hilt and blade, catching the already strange light even more strangely.

    ¡°How long have you had that?¡± Will asked, eyeing the magic blade warily.

    ¡°I was born with it, actually,¡± said Glory. ¡°In a manner of speaking, at least. I am restricted from using it on the material plane as part of the spell binding me to Virgil as his eidolon.¡±

    ¡°Hm, okay,¡± Will said. He pulled out his own magic weapon, feeling strangely like he had shown up underdressed to a special occasion.

    Hope pulled out a pair of daggers made of that same stained glass, but Honor did nothing.

    ¡°You humanoids and your weapons. It¡¯s almost quaint.¡± He snarked.

    ¡°Are you this obnoxious with everyone or just with your big brother?¡± Will countered, feeling unreasonably proud of his improvised zinger.

    Honor didn¡¯t respond directly. ¡°Let¡¯s just let our skills do the talking.¡±

    Glory traced a line from a garbage can to the larger end of Honor that was probably sort of like a head. Then, faster than Will could blink, the trash can accelerated across the hall directly into Honor¡¯s maybe-face, shattering into a million tiny pieces.

    ¡°That¡¯s our cue!¡± Hope said, dashing towards Will with glass knives held in a cross-shaped position.

    Will jumped straight up to avoid being sliced, then turned in midair to cut through Hope with his whip.

    Instead of the flood of interpretable information that typically followed Will¡¯s first attack on anyone, it was like he had just put on TV static directly into his brain at max volume.

    Disoriented, Will landed on his fuzzy rump, twisting just in time to avoid a constricting swipe from Honor.

    Each end of the interlocking chain that made up Honor swiped and stabbed at a foe, Will and Glory each locked in a struggle across from one another.

    Searing pain cut across Will¡¯s shoulder as one of Hope¡¯s daggers cut through the muscles like butter. Will turned, grabbed the blade with his functional hand, pulled it free, then sliced off a piece of Honor¡¯s chain.

    Despite the pain and the fact that a knife had just been pulled out of it, Will¡¯s shoulder appeared physically fine. Was that what it felt like when he struck someone with his magic weapon?

    ¡°Ach!¡± The piece of Honor Will had lopped off said, sounding more frustrated than harmed. It shrank into nothing in Will¡¯s grasp and reappeared attached to the angel¡¯s main body.

    The dagger also tore itself from Will¡¯s grasp, returning to Hope with a flourish.

    Glory slashed through the tangled metal of Honor¡¯s body like he was swinging a baseball bat, cleanly severing the top from the bottom.

    Each half of Honor went for a separate target, slithering quickly through the air. The half fighting Glory kept its distance, taking shots from beyond the sweeping range of Glory¡¯s sword.

    While he was distracted, Hope had snuck up behind him and was about to stab Will through the head before being interrupted by Glory grabbing the blade in one hand and shattering it.

    ¡°Getting stabbed through the head by that magic knife won¡¯t kill me, right?¡± Will asked.

    ¡°No, you¡¯ll just be trapped in a wakeless nightmare orchestrated by Hope is a Weapon for a subjective eternity,¡± Glory said, which wasn¡¯t very helpful.

    ¡°He makes it sound worse than it is!¡± Hope said defensively, pulling his remaining dagger over his chest like a shield. ¡°It¡¯s like a hotel! There¡¯s a minibar, and I¡¯ve got one of those¡­ goodness me, what¡¯s the word? The wooden thing men have sex in.¡±

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    ¡°That describes like seventy percent of all architecture here, narrow it down!¡± Will said. ¡°Or actually, don¡¯t, and we can go back to beating each other up.¡±

    Hope dropped his dagger, which vanished. He sat down on a padded bench and assumed a thoughtful position. ¡°No no, it¡¯s going to bother me until I remember. Give me a minute.¡±

    ¡°Is it, uh, bigger than a breadbox?¡± Will asked. He was currently trying to avoid being strangled by Honor, and really wishing he could fight more enemies without prehensile tendrils.

    Honor stopped strangling Will, too taken aback to continue. ¡°What the dickens are you talking about?¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s like, uh, twenty questions. You know, like the game.¡± Will said sheepishly. ¡°That¡¯s the question you¡¯re supposed to start with.¡±

    ¡°Oh, that¡¯s a good idea,¡± Hope said, pointing a finger at Will. ¡°Yes, it¡¯s bigger than a breadbox.¡±

    ¡°This is unbelievably stupid,¡± Honor said, throwing Will through the reconstruction of a window of a jeweler¡¯s shop, but added ¡°Is it bigger than a house?¡±

    ¡°No, definitely smaller than a house.¡± Hope said.

    ¡°Do you store things in it?¡± Glory asked, cutting the half of Honor he was fighting into another set of perfectly-even halves.

    ¡°No, not traditionally,¡± Hope said.

    ¡°Uh, bathroom,¡± Will said, tossing aside a fuzzy reconstruction of a diamond necklace. ¡°Are you thinking of a bathroom?¡±

    ¡°No,¡± Hope said. ¡°Not bathroom-related.¡±

    The disparate pieces of Honor again vanished, reappearing into a singular, seamless flowing mass of, like something between a kinetic sculpture and an amoeba. This swirled like a drill as it darted forward, intent on skewering Will.

    Glory intersected again, blocking the attack with crossed wings. There was a terrible scraping noise, like nails on a chalkboard, as Honor flattened out from the sudden stop.

    Glory grabbed part of Honor and pulled harshly, like he was playing tug-of-war with some unseen force, and dragged more of Honor¡¯s extradimensional body into a range Will could perceive.

    The entirety of Honor¡¯s body consisted of a single, long tube of soft-looking silver, which dipped in and out of from ana. Being pulled across dimensions was unpleasant but not, strictly speaking, very damaging. It did mean that he was bound by gravity.

    The snaking form of Honor lashed towards Will like a striking cobra, but Will managed to kick the end away.

    Hope was still sitting at the bench, waiting for someone to ask another question.

    ¡°Is it temperature-regulated?¡± Glory asked, half-turning to face his brother.

    ¡°Yes!¡± Hope said, smiling. ¡°Will, you go.¡±

    ¡°Hey!¡± Honor said, though he took the opportunity to snake behind Will while he was momentarily distracted.

    Will made what he considered a smart guess. ¡°A sauna. Are you thinking of a sauna?¡±

    ¡°Yes! A sauna! Thank you!¡± Hope said, clapping his hands quickly and excitedly. ¡°It was just on the tip of my tongue. So to speak.¡±

    Will smiled. ¡°You know what, I should have started with that. Seems obvious to me.¡±

    ¡°Hindsight is always twenty-twenty-twenty,¡± Honor said, resuming his crushing of Will¡¯s jugular.

    Glory and Hope watched their brother, their disappointment palpable.

    ¡°What?¡± Honor snapped, though he loosened his grip enough for Will to breathe. ¡°We were fighting!¡±

    ¡°My heart is frankly no longer in it,¡± Hope said, shrugging. ¡°It¡¯s no fun anymore.¡±

    Honor dropped Will in disgust. ¡°Fine! But I want a rematch. I¡¯m keeping the mall up until then.¡±

    ¡°Surely you have better uses of your energy than maintaining this pointless illusion?¡± Glory asked, though he didn¡¯t expect to get Honor to change his mind.

    ¡°I do!¡± Honor agreed in a tone that suggested disagreement. ¡°So if you don¡¯t want the fifth sphere of jubilation to break again, you won¡¯t keep me waiting.¡±

    There was a brief pause that then became a too-long pause.

    ¡°Are we done here?¡± Will asked. ¡°I¡¯m done here.¡±

    ¡°Hm, oh, yes, we should be going,¡± Glory said. He teleported behind Will, putting a hand on his neck to heal the bruises left by Honor. ¡°This was¡­ something. Fun, maybe.¡±

    Glory pulled Will kata (to a lower point in the fourth dimension) back to the material world, where the sun was beginning to rise.

    ¡°I can see why you like it here,¡± Will said after he spent a few minutes throwing up. ¡°It¡¯s so empty up there.¡±

    Glory looked at Will with a puzzled expression on his not-face as he stretched tiredly. ¡°Oh, yes, right, the architecture would look slightly¡­ nonexistent from your point of view. Sorry. A limit of a three-dimensional viewpoint. Everything here looks flattened out to me, like a landscape of paper cutouts might look to you.¡±

    ¡°So why do you come here, then?¡± Will asked.

    ¡°The terrain may be lacking in depth, but the company more than makes up for it.¡±

 Definitely Zero Weird Feelings Going On

    ¡°It¡¯s not really likely you¡¯ll get an adequate amount of sleep,¡± Glory said to Will as he looked directly at the rising sun.

    ¡°Mmph,¡± said Will, hopping back into the chariot. ¡°That sounds about right.¡±

    The chariot began to move again, having waited for Will and Glory to return. This meant they were behind schedule to return to town.

    Will sat down at the very back of the chariot¡¯s abdomen, putting his weight on his knees as he rested his elbows on the pillow-lined back rim.

    ¡°I¡¯m not gay,¡± said Will, apropos of nothing.

    ¡°I¡¯ve never contested that fact,¡± said Glory calmly.

    ¡°I know,¡± said Will, his tone just slightly defensive. ¡°You¡¯re being pedantic. You know what I actually mean.¡±

    ¡°I do,¡± said Glory. ¡°But you¡¯re not being entirely honest, either. You¡¯re scared that I¡¯m right.¡±

    ¡°I really, really hate that you can read my mind,¡± Will said. ¡°It¡¯s like I¡¯m in therapy again, except I can¡¯t even keep things to myself.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m not a therapist, although I did do something similar when I was younger. Therapy isn¡¯t really a profession here.¡±

    ¡°Why¡¯s that?¡± Will asked, because he¡¯d correctly intuited that Glory wanted to be asked that, and this shifted the conversation away from Will.

    ¡°That¡¯s what we¡ªthat is, angels and demons¡ªdo. Part of it, anyways.¡±

    ¡°Why would anyone go to a demon for therapy?¡± Will asked.

    Glory flapped his wings in approximation of a shrug. ¡°You¡¯d be surprised. Demons are creatures of selfishness and sin, but sometimes people need that.¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s possible to be too generous just as it is possible to be too greedy,¡± Glory continued. ¡°Most of us would probably be considered pretty bad therapists by your standards.¡±

    ¡°Because you have sex with your clients?¡± Will asked automatically.

    ¡°That¡¯s one of the reasons, yes.¡± Glory said diplomatically. ¡°But it¡¯s also about methods. A common practice for demons is to offer literal magical contracts to enforce certain behavior, for example.¡±

    ¡°I think that would be pretty popular actually,¡± Will said.

    ¡°You know more about it than me,¡± Glory said with another wing-shrug. ¡°I¡¯m only pulling from your understanding of the world.¡±

    ¡°You know, the way you talk sometimes, it¡¯s easy to forget that,¡± Will said.

    Glory laughed flatly. ¡°Maybe someday I¡¯ll learn about it in person.¡±

    ¡°Maybe,¡± Will said doubtfully. ¡°You may have to conceal your identity, though.¡±

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    ¡°On the internet, nobody knows you¡¯re an angel from another dimension,¡± Glory said with a rueful smile.

    ¡°That reminds me,¡± Will said. ¡°You have a twin and at least two other brothers. How many siblings do you have?¡±

    ¡°Six,¡± said Glory. ¡°Four demons, including Perish, and two angels, who you¡¯ve already met and both my only younger brothers. All of my older brothers, the demons sans Perish, are half-siblings.¡±

    ¡°Sounds like a nightmare,¡± Will said.

    ¡°You have no idea,¡± agreed Glory.

    ¡°Is Glory complaining about his family life again?¡± Virgil asked groggily, clearly only just waking up.

    ¡°Only a little,¡± Glory said.

    Virgil laughed dully, stretching to wake himself up. ¡°Cripes, it¡¯s chilly. Are we still not back into town?¡±

    ¡°We got held up by my family life during the night,¡± Glory said. ¡°We should be back in Wolf¡¯s Whistle in less than an hour.¡±

    ¡°Good. I¡¯m beginning to forget what warmth feels like,¡± Virgil said. ¡°The gnoll had coffee, right?¡±

    ¡°Hot chocolate,¡± Glory corrected. ¡°Although currently it¡¯s fifty seven degrees chocolate.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m going to die. Death by lack of coffee.¡± Virgil lamented in a tone both melodramatic and flat.

    Glory pulled a clay mug of hot coffee from a hole in space and handed it to Virgil. A puff of bitter-smelling steam wafted from it.

    ¡°Thank you, Glory,¡± Virgil said, taking a deep swig.

    ¡°The cafe on sixth street will be expecting their cup back, so don¡¯t break it.¡±

    ¡°You seem to be in good spirits,¡± Will said.

    ¡°Hm?¡± Virgil said, putting down the already-empty mug. ¡°Yes, I guess I am. I didn¡¯t realize how tense I had been.¡±

    ¡°Do you want to talk about it?¡± Will asked, again convinced that getting Virgil to talk about his feelings would delay having to talk about his own.

    ¡°I think so,¡± said Virgil after a pause. ¡°I think¡­ I think we might actually be able to do it. Save the world, I mean.¡±

    ¡°Were you not before now?¡± Will asked.

    Virgil made a noncommittal gesture. ¡°I wasn¡¯t sure. I thought I was, and now I know I am. I think we¡¯re making good progress.¡±

    ¡°We haven¡¯t even gotten the flower we were supposed to get to send me home,¡± said Will doubtfully.

    ¡°Yeah, but you¡¯re not going home just yet,¡± said Virgil. ¡°You¡¯ve already made up your mind.¡±

    Will felt suddenly heated. ¡°Well, when you put it like that it makes me want to leave, so choose your next words very carefully.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m over my little crush on you,¡± said Virgil.

    ¡°Oh,¡± said Will, cooling rapidly. ¡°Okay. Because of this conversation, or¡­?¡±

    ¡°I just am,¡± Virgil said. ¡°It wasn¡¯t the result of anything specific. I guess it¡¯s just sunk in that you won¡¯t ever feel the same way.¡±

    ¡°Okay,¡± said Will. He played out the responses he might say in his mind¡¯s eye, looking for one that ended this conversation with minimal drama. ¡°That¡¯s good, I guess.¡±

    It was good, wasn¡¯t it? Will didn¡¯t like that awkward feeling that permeated interactions with the halfling. He should have felt at least relieved, but he found himself feeling nothing at all. Not bad or good, just nothing.

    ¡°I still like you!¡± Virgil said consolingly. ¡°You¡¯re my friend. We¡­ are friends, aren¡¯t we?¡±

    Will blinked in surprise at the question. ¡°Yeah, of course. We¡¯re friends. I like you as a friend. Just friends. Not weird at all.¡±

    Will managed to convince himself that it didn¡¯t feel like a lie.

 Definitely Only Normal Feelings Going On

    Will spent some time sifting through his feelings. Then he spent more time, then more. He was boarding the centipede-train back to King¡¯s Hollow when he decided that he felt¡­ nothing, which was how he¡¯d felt since the beginning.

    It was as though there was a hole in Will¡¯s thoughts. He knew, intellectually, that Virgil losing interest in him was a good thing.

    It should have made things less complicated, but it didn¡¯t. Instead, Will was posing questions to himself.

    What changed? Was the most common one. Something had to have changed, was Will¡¯s assumption, and it was the kind of assumption that you didn¡¯t even realize was an assumption, it was just taken as true.

    Had Will changed, or had Virgil? Had he done something wrong? Will knew he was overthinking things but he couldn¡¯t help it. He was an overthinker by nature.

    This was what had ended his last relationship, though that had been perfectly amicable. He was thinking more about Virgil now than he was about Julia then, which was a sobering thing to realize.

    He was replaying every conversation he¡¯d had with Virgil when Glory approached him.

    ¡°Whatever you¡¯re about to say, It won¡¯t help.¡± Will said, which was the first thing he¡¯d said in hours.

    ¡°You¡¯re overthinking things,¡± said Glory. ¡°In fact, you¡¯re overthinking about how you overthink things.¡±

    ¡°And that didn¡¯t help,¡± said Will. He was staring out at the boreal forest, which was gray with half-melted snow.

    ¡°I¡¯m just going to suggest that you talk to Virgil instead of retreating further into your own head.¡±

    Will turned to Glory, frowning. ¡°That¡¯s the smart thing to do and one of the things I want to do the least right now.¡±

    ¡°I know,¡± said Glory. He turned to float away. ¡°But if it makes you feel better, you¡¯re not the only one trapped in his own head right now.¡±

    Will went back to watching the forest go by.

    The problem was¡­ well, the problem was, Will wanted to be liked, which wasn''t particularly novel in terms of human nature. Virgil being interested in him, even if it wasn''t reciprocal (wasn''t it?) was an ego boost. This was, in Will''s opinion, bullshit that made no sense, but that was also not a terribly novel observation in terms of human nature.

    It couldn''t be that he was less against the concept of Virgil''s... companionship, for lack of a better word, than he was willing to articulate. That was not possible. It was so not possible, that Will repeated this impossibility in his head.

    What did he even know about Virgil, really? He was easily flustered. He was endlessly curious about earth, but Will suspected that was just because he liked to listen to Will''s voice. But maybe it wasn''t.

    Virgil was accommodating and did his best to explain all the stupid shit Will was forced to put up with. He didn''t like that his little villa used to be a bed-and-breakfast, and Will also suspected his relationship with his family wasn''t great.

    This story originates from Royal Road. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.

    Glory had said to Will once that Virgil was normally even more reserved, and that something about Will helped break him out of his shell. He was trying to play matchmaker, which wasn''t Will''s favorite thing in the world. But Glory did know what he was doing, probably.

    Stupid. This was stupid. Why was Will entertaining this line of thought? Because he was stupid, that''s why.

    ¡°Hey,¡± Virgil said, snapping Will back into meatspace. ¡°Glory said you didn''t want to talk.¡±

    ¡°He''s right. Why did you come over, then?¡± Will asked.

    ¡°Because I don''t want to talk either,¡± Virgil said, laughing weakly. ¡°And maybe that makes it easier.¡±

    ¡°You seem less relaxed than earlier,¡± Will said. ¡°What''s... up?¡±

    Stupid. Stupid thing to ask.

    ¡°I lied. About... being over it.¡± Virgil said. ¡°I was feeling good, but, I, uh, lied.¡±

    ¡°Why?¡± Will asked.

    ¡±Because you wanted to hear that. At least, I thought you did.¡± Virgil said.

    ¡°I should''ve,¡± Will said. ¡°In a sane world, I would''ve.¡±

    Virgil sat down facing away from the window, meaning he was looking up at the ceiling of the train car. ¡°I... hm. I''m sorry. For lying. I should''ve just kept my stupid mouth shut.¡±

    ¡°Yeah,¡± Will said. He cringed at his apparent heartlessness, and followed up with ¡°I get it. I accept your apology.¡±

    ¡°Seven Scribes, this sucks,¡± Virgil said. ¡°I''m sorry. This is all my fault. I... fuck. The first thing you ever said was that I kidnapped you, and that''s true, and you''re stuck, and you hate it here, and-¡±

    ¡°I don''t hate it here,¡± Will said. ¡°It... tries my patience, a lot. But it''s not like earth didn''t either. It''s different bullshit back home, but it''s all bullshit.¡±

    Virgil laughed nervously. ¡°It''s all bullshit.¡± he agreed.

    ¡°You don''t swear very much,¡± Will said. ¡°Except now, apparently.¡±

    ¡°My father always told me off for it,¡± Virgil said. ¡°Said it was bad for business.¡±

    ¡°Dumb,¡± Will said, barking a one-note laugh.

    ¡°I''m sorry.¡± Virgil repeated.

    ¡°You apologize too much,¡± Will said. ¡°I do, too, though, so I get it.¡±

    ¡°I did kidnap you, though,¡± Virgil said meekly. ¡°Well, me and Glory. It was a group effort.¡±

    ¡°And someday I''ll get my revenge,¡± Will said. ¡°After we save the world, okay?¡±

    ¡°I''ll hold you to that,¡± Virgil said. Some life was returning to his tone.

    ¡°Yeah, sure, I''ll leave you in the middle of the Nevada desert.¡± Will said. ¡°That sound like a deal?¡±

    ¡°I can''t tell if you''re being serious,¡± Virgil said.

    ¡°Neither can I,¡± Will said, shrugging. He felt... okay. Glory''s stupid advice was right, and just talking made things easier, which was bullshit. Next the angel was going to tell him he needed to drink more water.

    ¡°You know, if you were a girl, I''d definitely date you,¡± Will said, acting purely on stream of consciousness.

    Virgil looked at him with an indescribable expression. ¡°Is that a... normal thing to say where you''re from?¡±

    Will looked at Virgil and said nothing for a good while. ¡°Sure,¡± he said finally. ¡°Sure, yeah. Normal.¡±

 Statistically Daddy Issues Are Twice as Likely to Develop When Everyone Has Two Dads

    The rest of the train ride was silent and uneventful. Instead of the previous twisting knot of anxiety within Will, there was now a quiet, dark pressure, like he had sunk to the bottom of a lake.

    Drifting between insensate wakefulness and insensate sleep, Will barely noticed when they arrived at Revelwood until Glory picked him up with a porcelain wing and set him back on his hooves.

    ¡°You¡¯ve got to get a hold of yourself,¡± Glory said, sternly but sympathetically.

    ¡°I want to go home,¡± Will said, apropos of nothing.

    Glory tilted his head slightly as he charted Will¡¯s complex emotional landscape. ¡°I know.¡±

    What Will meant was that he wanted to go home, but couldn¡¯t yet. One of the few upsides of Glory¡¯s constant mind-reading was that Will couldn¡¯t be misunderstood.

    ¡°I don¡¯t belong here,¡± Will continued, which really meant that Will didn¡¯t want to belong here, though only Glory knew that.

    ¡°I know,¡± repeated Glory, setting his feet on the ground and walking out into the open space of the train station.

    Will begrudgingly followed. He was surprised to see Dio putting a pair of handcuffs on Skullcrusher, and thoroughly unsurprised to see that they were hot pink and fuzzy.

    Skullcrusher waved meekly at Will, who managed a look of only mild bewildered disappointment.

    ¡°He is supposed to be under arrest,¡± Dio said defensively. ¡°It was either this or, like, some kind of rope knot.¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t think that¡¯s necessary,¡± said Will. ¡°Skullcrusher actively wants to come with us.¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t mind!¡± Said Skullcrusher chipperly.

    Will nodded and said nothing.

    ¡°Lord Daphnis will be pleased that we apprehended the culprit and retrieved the sprout,¡± Virgil said excitedly.

    ¡°I certainly hope so,¡± agreed Skullcrusher as Dio began prodding him down the path to Daphnis¡¯s endless party.

    It was early evening when they arrived at the grove, where nothing appeared to have significantly changed. Satyrs darted about offering new treats; sherbet that tasted like carrot or cucumber, and perfectly square cubes of what Will was pretty sure was prime rib.

    ¡°Hey!¡± said a voice Will vaguely remembered. It was the satyr waiter that he had prodded last time, except he was carrying a chevron-shaped plank of wood. ¡°It¡¯s a board,¡± he explained. ¡°I didn¡¯t realize last time that you were new.¡±

    Will took it gingerly with a nod. ¡°Uh, thanks. And it¡¯s okay, really.¡±

    ¡°I get it, man, it¡¯s a big adjustment!¡± The satyr continued, forcing Will to continue nodding along.

    ¡°I¡¯m¡­ not sure what you¡¯re talking about,¡± said Will.

    ¡°Being a satyr, silly!¡± The satyr waiter laughed. ¡°It¡¯s pretty great, right? Takes some getting used to, though. Who turned you, do you know?¡±

    Will decided he disliked this conversation. ¡°Nobody turned me, except I guess Virgil. Speaking of,¡± Will shot a glance over his shoulder, where his friends were some ways away waiting for him, ¡°I should really get going. But thank you. For the board.¡±

    ¡°No problem, man,¡± the satyr said, turning halfway away. ¡°Have fun with it!¡±

    Will jogged back up to the group, which was thankfully not too difficult.

    ¡°Want me to stash that for you?¡± Glory asked, and Will handed the board to the angel wordlessly. Glory dropped it, where it vanished into thin air.

    The general party vibe gave way to the more subdued atmosphere of the deeper grove, where Daphnis sat still chained to his tree stump.

    Without any words being exchanged, the crowd parted before Dio and Skullcrusher, discussion fading into scattered murmurs.

    A man with antlers who had been passionately kissing what looked like a gargoyle reluctantly paused to alert Daphnis of important guests.

    The gigantic elk that stood opposite the stump leaned down to examine Skullcrusher, its breath warm and smelling of mulch and rain.

    ¡°We have apprehended the culprit who stole your sacred Arcadian laurel,¡± Virgil said, half-shouting.

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    Skullcrusher waved in a nervous greeting. ¡°Hello, lord Daphnis! It was an honor to trick you!¡±

    ¡°Hello, little gnoll,¡± Daphnis said, his jovial tone contrasted by his booming voice. If he was at all upset, he didn¡¯t show it. ¡°What¡¯s this about a laurel? Have you brought this year¡¯s one already?¡±

    Skullcrusher made a confused whine, like a dog that has knocked a treat out of reach. ¡°I stole it! From you! And unleashed a nettle hydra! Me! I did that!¡±

    Daphnis turned to one of the antlered attendants, who appeared to be in charge. ¡°Is that true, my child? Did that happen?¡±

    The attendant nodded. ¡°Yes, sir, just a few days ago. You were quite incensed.¡±

    ¡°Well, that doesn¡¯t sound like me,¡± Daphnis said. ¡°The laurel. Do you have the laurel?¡±

    Skullcrusher, who was still handcuffed, began rifling through the pockets on his coat. This continued for several seconds until Glory handed him the correct vial.

    Skullcrusher held it up triumphantly, grinning madly as Daphnis took the vial, which was tiny in his hand.

    ¡°Thank you, my child,¡± Daphnis said, looking only at the vial. ¡°You shall be rewarded in turn.¡±

    Skullcrusher looked blankly up at the gigantic satyr. ¡°But I stole it! I stole it and tricked everyone and unleashed a monster upon your inner sanctum! I demand to be punished!¡±

    Daphnis looked to the attendant again. ¡°And you¡¯re sure this happened?¡±

    ¡°Yes, sir, I still have the scars.¡±

    Daphnis turned to Virgil. ¡°And you apprehended him?¡±

    Virgil nodded wordlessly.

    ¡°Well, good work, I suppose!¡± Daphnis said with a hearty chuckle, ¡°You shall be handsomely rewarded for your service.¡±

    ¡°The agreed-upon reward was the seed of a warp flower,¡± Glory said tonelessly.

    ¡°Well, that¡¯s probably fair!¡± Said Daphnis. He handed the vial to the antlered attendant and nodded. He walked off, gesturing for Virgil¡¯s party to follow.

    ¡°Is Daphnis¡­ always like that?¡± Will asked as smoothly as he could manage, which wasn¡¯t very smooth.

    ¡°Forgetful?¡± The attendant asked. ¡°...Sometimes,¡± he admitted. ¡°Some days are better than others.¡±

    They were led into a clearing from the forest, where what looked like a huge Victorian mansion had been built and then left unmaintained. The only light seemed to come from a large, dome-shaped greenhouse on the building¡¯s side, which was where the attendant headed.

    ¡°What¡¯s this place?¡± Will asked, running a hand through the leaves of what had once been a topiary. Rose bushes that had grown thorny and wild choked many of the passageways, and small decorative fruit trees had blossomed into an impromptu orchard.

    ¡°Daphnis¡¯s home,¡± the attendant said, sounding almost apologetic. ¡°He doesn¡¯t use it much anymore, except for the greenhouse. Once upon a time, it had been for him and his lover, the scribe Polybius.¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s a shame,¡± Will said. ¡°It¡¯s¡­ beautiful.¡±

    ¡°It was,¡± the attendant said. ¡°You¡¯re the human from earth, right? I¡¯m Uther.¡±

    ¡°Uh, yes,¡± Will said, taken aback. He wasn¡¯t sure how many people were aware of his extradimensional origin, and wasn¡¯t keen on it being known by everyone and their¡­ well, not mother, he supposed.

    ¡°You have similar architecture on earth, yes?¡± Uther asked.

    ¡°We used to,¡± Will said. ¡°If you had lots of money and land. We don¡¯t build many mansions like this anymore.¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s a pity,¡± Uther said. ¡°This mansion was designed by another human from earth. Polybius has one of similar design in Arcadia.¡±

    ¡°Did you know him?¡± Will asked. ¡°The human, I mean.¡±

    ¡°Only briefly,¡± Uther said. ¡°When he was old and I was very young.¡±

    ¡°He never returned to earth, then?¡± Will asked.

    ¡°I suppose not,¡± Uther said. ¡°But I don¡¯t know for sure. One day he just¡­ disappeared, and father and Daphnis never spoke of them again.¡±

    ¡°Father?¡± Will asked.

    Uther made an embarrassed noise. ¡°Polybius. Polybius and Daphnis never spoke of him again.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re their son,¡± Will said, not bothering to phrase it as a question.

    ¡°Yes,¡± said Uther. ¡°Though Daphnis doesn¡¯t seem to remember that most of the time.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m¡­ sorry,¡± Will said. ¡°That must be hard.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m over it,¡± Uther said with a shrug in a tone that suggested he actually wasn¡¯t over it, but didn¡¯t want to continue the conversation.

    ¡°What was the earthling¡¯s name?¡± Will asked. ¡°I haven¡¯t heard much about anyone else from back home.¡±

    Uther opened his mouth to speak, paused, then closed it again. ¡°I don¡¯t remember. That¡¯s¡­ strange. I don¡¯t remember.¡±

    It was at this point that a Tainted burst from the ground, intent on cutting Uther in half.

    Will, in a moment of pure animal instinct, kicked the creature hard in the side, sending it skidding across the lawn. It looked like a crab that had been stuffed into the approximate body shape of a gorilla, with claws the size of barrels. It hissed angrily as two more Tainted leapt down from the trees, knocking Virgil and Skullcrusher to the ground.

    Glory blasted a turtle-like one off of Virgil, then another attempted to grab onto him.

    ¡°It¡¯s an ambush!¡± Uther shouted.

    ¡°Impossible,¡± Glory said, shrugging off the gnawing and scratching of a six-legged catlike thing, ¡°The tainted don¡¯t do ambushes.¡±

    ¡°We need to adjust our expectations,¡± Will said, snagging the catlike one and pulling it to the ground with his whip. ¡°Because every time we¡¯ve seen Tainted, they¡¯ve been doing something they¡¯re not supposed to.¡±

    ¡°We can¡¯t prepare for every possibility,¡± Glory countered, his tone surprisingly reasonable for being currently clawed at by monsters, ¡°It¡¯s not as if they¡¯ll suddenly learn to explode.¡±

    It was then that a small, gelatinous-looking Tainted, which had previously been giggling nastily but harmlessly, exploded.

 A Marrowing Realization

    The thing about the situation that bothered Will was that he could see the logic in an exploding Tainted. It maximized the number of potential targets, and since they were already basically falling apart there was no need for self-preservation.

    But this was predicated on the assumption that there was some logical actor in the equation.

    Maybe it was more like natural selection, where the most effective way to spread the disease was found through mindless trial and error.

    The Tainted were beginning to employ more complex strategies, which similarly weren¡¯t necessarily enacted by a central intelligence.

    Ants, after all, could exhibit complex behavior as a colony despite being individually very simple.

    All of this ran through Will¡¯s head as he raised an arm to block bloody shards of bone from tearing into his face.

    The dulling of pain made it feel like he was merely being stung by a large swarm of bees, even as serrated pieces of bone lodged themselves in his arm and side.

    Will opened his eyes, which he had closed instinctively. Nobody made a move, but nobody appeared to have been knocked out.

    The other ambushing Tainted, not having defended themselves at all from the blast, lay strewn about. Their flesh was already beginning to curdle.

    ¡°Is everyone alright?¡± Will asked. The red souls of the Tainted were already fading away, and he couldn¡¯t see any blue souls floating around.

    ¡°What the fuck was that?¡± Dio lamented, brushing bone shards out of his flesh. ¡°It just¡­ exploded!¡±

    ¡°It took out the others, though," Will noted. ¡°They didn¡¯t think about friendly fire.¡±

    ¡°What?¡± Dio continued, helping Uther to his hooves. ¡°What does that mean?¡±

    Will blinked, attempting to recalibrate his brain. ¡°It¡¯s like¡­ in some video games, you can¡¯t hurt your teammates. Like, not just disallowed but physically cannot. But the Tainted don¡¯t have that,¡± Will finished, realizing how strange this sounded.

    ¡°Well, yeah, of course,¡± Dio said.

    ¡°What I mean is they didn¡¯t react like they would get hurt by the blast. It didn¡¯t occur to them at all that it would hurt them.¡± Will continued.

    ¡°What does that mean?¡± Dio asked.

    ¡°I don¡¯t know. We need to find a place to rest for a bit.¡±

    Glory was hiding behind a metal sphere of his own crossed wings. Will knocked on the wall like he was knocking on a door, and he was surprised by the echoing, hollow sound it made.

    Glory unfolded his wings, dropping Rex and Virgil to the ground with as much gentleness as he could manage.

    ¡°Where¡¯s Skullcrusher?¡± Will asked.

    ¡°The greenhouse,¡± Glory said. ¡°He ran off as soon as we were ambushed.¡±

    ¡°What? I didn¡¯t think he¡¯d abandon us,¡± Will said, disappointed.

    ¡°He didn¡¯t exactly abandon us¡ª¡° Glory started, before he was interrupted.

    ¡°BEHOLD SKULLFUCK BONECRUSHER!¡± Shouted Skullcrusher from atop a three-legged fig tree. ¡°YOUR DOOM¡ªWait, where¡¯d all the monsters go?¡±

    ¡°They exploded,¡± Will said matter-of-factly. ¡°Where¡¯d you get the fig tree?¡±

    ¡°Found it. In the greenhouse. Behind a locked door.¡±

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    ¡°Put it back!¡± Uther shouted.

    Skullcrusher sulked back to the greenhouse and returned a minute later on foot. Will noted that he ran on all fours, rather like a real hyena would.

    ¡°I thought it was nice,¡± Will said, patting the gnoll on the back.

    Skullcrusher¡¯s tail wagged like an excited golden retriever¡¯s, but he said nothing.

    ¡°Will, we should get those spines out of your skin,¡± Glory said. He looked to Uther, who also had a few shards sticking out of his flank. ¡°I¡¯ll help you, and you help Will.¡±

    Uther nodded and lined up between Will and Glory.

    ¡°Stay very still. If these are anything like a porcupine¡¯s quills, they¡¯ll resist being pulled out,¡± Uther said.

    ¡°I¡¯m not sure they¡¯re like a porcupine¡¯s. These are bones, I¡¯m pretty sure.¡± Will said. Uther ripped one out, causing Will to yelp, and held it up.

    It was longer and thinner than Will had realized, almost like a little dagger. The edges were sharp, like they¡¯d been broken, but Will thought it looked like they¡¯d broken down a perforated line, like how a graham cracker would break into halves.

    Will laughed at the absurdity of that comparison. Uther looked at him oddly as he pulled another bone out.

    ¡°Christ, I think they are barbed,¡± Will said.

    Uther nodded as Glory pulled one out of his flank, then immediately sealed the wound with healing magic.

    ¡°Oh, yeah, let me make sure those wounds close,¡± Uther said, pressing two fingers to Will¡¯s arm where one spine had been removed.

    If Glory¡¯s healing felt the way snickerdoodles tasted, Uther¡¯s felt like the smell of rain. It made Will think of a grassy hill in spring, damp with morning dew.

    The way pain dulled made Will think the wounds weren¡¯t as severe as they were. Seven shards had stuck into him, and several more had left cuts or punctures.

    Unlike the rest of the body, the Tainted bones didn¡¯t appear to rot, at least not any faster than regular bones.

    Will inspected the shards carefully. He suspected that the way they fit together, like interlocking scales, wasn¡¯t entirely natural, or at least any more unnatural than the rest of the creature.

    ¡°I think someone designed this,¡± Will said, pressing two shards together that fit together like bloodstained puzzle pieces.

    ¡°Elaborate,¡± Glory prompted, to get Will to interrogate his hunch.

    ¡°The bones are hollow,¡± Will said, putting together more pieces. ¡°And not spongy, like a bird¡¯s, but totally hollow. They¡¯re meant to break apart.¡±

    ¡°That can arise naturally,¡± Glory said. ¡°Many creatures can break off parts of themselves in a pinch.¡±

    ¡°But no animal has bones with no marrow or internal structure whatsoever. It¡¯s not possible to just evolve that.¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s magic, Will,¡± said Virgil, shrugging. ¡°It doesn¡¯t have to obey rules like that.¡±

    ¡°Sure, but just because it doesn¡¯t have to doesn¡¯t mean it will,¡± Will said. ¡°The creature is obviously designed to explode, but it¡¯s still a living thing, and that means there¡¯s some logic in how it¡¯s put together. Bones meant only to work as shrapnel don¡¯t obey that logic.¡±

    ¡°I think you¡¯re making assumptions,¡± Glory said calmly. ¡°We don¡¯t know how the Tainted really work at all. That¡¯s what we¡¯re trying to figure out.¡±

    ¡°Them acting purely on instinct is also an assumption,¡± Will said, confident he was bordering on an epiphany. This was actually what Glory had been trying to spur by providing friction.

    The sharpening was paying off. ¡°I don¡¯t think the Tainted are working on just instinct. I think¡­ Someone is trying to observe how we react. They send a monster, we kill it, they watch.¡±

    ¡°Outlandish,¡± said Glory, though his tone didn¡¯t suggest that he disagreed. ¡°We have no way of verifying this short of finding the culprit.¡±

    ¡°It makes sense, though, I think. Every time I¡¯ve seen them they¡¯re apparently acting unusual,¡± Will said. ¡°Working together, spying, planting traps and bombs.¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s not the behavior of something mindless, and they¡¯re ramping up in complexity. I¡¯m expecting something even more elaborate next time,¡± Will said.

    ¡°That¡¯s terrifying. I genuinely really hope you¡¯re wrong,¡± said Glory. ¡°No offense meant, of course.¡±

    ¡°Why?¡± Will asked.

    Rex signed something elaborate, long enough that Will could almost feel the desperation despite the language barrier.

    ¡°What did he say?¡± Will asked after nobody responded.

    ¡°Because then we¡¯d be fucked,¡± Said Dio. ¡°Like, giga-turbo-fucked. Giga-turbo-omega fucked six ways to Sunday. Giga-turbo-omega¡ª¡°

    ¡°Okay, I get it,¡± Will said, interrupting. ¡°It¡¯s bad.¡±

    ¡°Fucked from dusk to dawn, face-up, face-down, prostate-pounding ass-blasting¡ª¡°

    ¡°Enough!¡± Will shouted, exasperated. ¡°I get it!¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m just telling you what Rex said,¡± Dio grumbled, putting his hands up. ¡°You were the one who asked.¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s not what Rex was saying,¡± Glory said, and Rex nodded vehemently in agreement. ¡°Rex was significantly more lurid.¡±

 What Is This, Some Kind of Gilded Rose???

    ¡°We should get the stupid flower and go,¡± said Will. ¡°This place is getting to me.¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s one of the most powerful magical creatures in the world,¡± Virgil said. ¡°Hardly a stupid flower.¡±

    ¡°Yeah, it lets you teleport to other dimensions, I get that. But I¡¯m not even leaving, so I¡¯m not entirely sure why we came all this way for one.¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s more than teleportation,¡± Skullcrusher said. ¡°With proper cultivation it can rip holes between dimensions.¡±

    ¡°Is that good?¡± Will asked. ¡°Are holes between dimensions something we care about?¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s something we currently want to avoid doing,¡± Glory said. ¡°Our problem is at the moment purely internal, and we want to keep it that way.¡±

    ¡°Currently want to avoid doing,¡± Will said, echoing the statement.

    ¡°It¡¯s like a quarantine. Not like it¡¯s easy to just enter or leave in the first place, but no reason to take the risk.¡± Glory continued.

    ¡°I¡¯m impatient to see it,¡± said Skullcrusher. ¡°I¡¯ve never seen one in person, only in records.¡±

    ¡°We should get it and go,¡± Virgil said. ¡°Will is right about that.¡±

    They walked the way to the greenhouse, which had had its eastern wall torn down by Skullcrusher. Uther unlocked the door, which fell backwards and shattered.

    ¡°In fairness, it was mostly like that when I got here,¡± Skullcrusher said defensively.

    The plants were overgrown and damp with warm humidity, which was now leaching into the outside world. What had once been tables and shelves had collapsed under the weight of growth.

    Uther beckoned for Will to follow to a second door further in, which was securely locked behind gray brick walls. This he also unlocked.

    This second room was more like a bunker than a greenhouse. Small, hardy flowers grew from the cracked concrete floor.

    ¡°That¡¯s the warp flower,¡± Uther said, pointing to a small, scraggly shrub. From it a single rose bloomed, a dark blue flower dusted with gold on the edges of its petals.

    It was a pretty flower, Will supposed, but it hardly seemed to be the most powerful plant in the world. ¡°Are you sure?¡± Will asked. ¡°It just looks like a rose that someone spray-painted gold.¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t know what spray paint is,¡± Uther said, ¡°but yes. That¡¯s the warp flower.¡±

    Will stepped forward to touch it. The scent it produced made Will feel lonely and nostalgic, like it was the smell of some sugary dessert he used to love as a kid.

    He grabbed the stem and pulled, suddenly feeling an intense burst of vertigo. Pulling the flower loose was like trying to pull a comrade who had fallen off a cliff.

    Then the stem snapped and Will went tumbling back, flower in hand. Despite the strange feelings it had given him, it still felt disappointingly normal to Will.

    Will got to his hooves, avoiding eye contact with Uther. ¡°Okay, flower acquired,¡± he announced, loud enough for everyone to hear.

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    He stepped back outside, where his friends were standing around nervously.

    ¡°I can put it somewhere safe,¡± Glory said, reaching out a hand.

    ¡°How exactly does that work?¡± Will asked, though he surrendered the rose. ¡°There had to be something keeping you from just taking it yourself with magic.¡±

    ¡°I need to know exactly where something is,¡± Glory said. ¡°If it¡¯s an object I¡¯ve never seen, I can¡¯t do anything to it.¡±

    ¡°Hm,¡± Will said, filing that information away. ¡°Is everyone, like, okay?¡±

    He regretted saying this aloud, because he earned several odd looks.

    ¡°I¡¯m sure I speak for everyone that I¡¯m glad you¡¯re still here with us.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯ve said a million times I¡¯m not leaving,¡± Will said, slightly annoyed. ¡°And you know I mean it.¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s one thing to think so without the way back home, and another to think so with it in the literal palm of your hand.¡±

    Will bit down the snarky comment he wanted to make, aware that it would probably only make things worse. ¡°What are we gonna do with it now, then?¡±

    ¡°Turn it in for the quest,¡± Glory said, dropping the warp flower out of view. ¡°It¡¯s got a rather sizeable bounty associated with it.¡±

    ¡°What, like gold? Give me a baseline.¡±

    ¡°One warp flower should go for about 5,000 gold, about the cost of an average house in King¡¯s Hollow.¡±

    ¡°Okay, so a sizable bounty.¡± Will agreed. ¡°What¡¯s the square footage of an average house in King¡¯s Hollow?¡±

    ¡°About 2,000 square feet,¡± Glory said after a moment of calculation.

    For a terrible moment Will imagined getting into real estate. Glory visibly winced at the mental image.

    ¡°Conveniently it splits five ways,¡± Glory said. ¡°I share with Virgil, so¡­¡±

    Glory turned to Skullcrusher. ¡°How do you want your share?¡±

    Skullcrusher looked like he was going to cry. ¡°My share? You shouldn¡¯t, really. It¡¯s not right. The great Skullfuck Bonecrusher cannot accept handouts.¡±

    ¡°Consider it an investment, then,¡± Will said. ¡°That is how we got in to see you in the first place. Retroactively make it true.¡±

    Skullcrusher considered this. ¡°Acceptable. Ten percent interest rate per year.¡±

    ¡°Two percent,¡± Glory said.

    ¡°Eight percent!¡± Skullcrusher countered.

    ¡°Three point three repeating percent.¡± Glory said.

    ¡°Five percent, final offer!¡± Skullcrusher said, visibly desperate.

    ¡°Deal!¡±

    Will, who had observed the brief exchange with terrified curiosity, cleared his throat. ¡°Do we have to figure this all out right here? The sun is beginning to set and I¡¯d really hate to get caught out in the open again.¡±

    They started back towards the grove of Daphnis, Skullcrusher, Dio, and Rex each excitedly babbling about how they would spend his cut.

    ¡°What are you thinking of buying?¡± Virgil asked Will. Both were slightly lagging behind, affording them the illusion of privacy.

    ¡°Honestly I have no idea,¡± Will said. ¡°I barely know what¡¯s for sale.¡±

    ¡°You could afford to change classes if you¡¯re not happy with soulmaster,¡± Virgil said.

    ¡°I think I actually like it,¡± Will said, ¡°uniform notwithstanding.¡±

    Virgil made a little concerned noise. ¡°Yeah, it¡¯s just¡­ risky, you know.¡±

    ¡°Not you, too,¡± Will said faux-melodramatically. ¡°I¡¯m not gonna die. I¡¯ve spent my entire life without dying. I can handle not dying.¡±

    There was a pause as Virgil considered this. ¡°You know, if this was a story, you¡¯d die right after saying that, for dramatic irony.¡±

    ¡°Honestly, I was thinking the same thing,¡± Will said. ¡°Good thing my hubris is only punished in extraordinarily stupid ways.¡±

 Remember Kids, Child Labor is Bad

    Daphnis didn¡¯t see them out. In fact, it seemed like he barely even noticed that Uther had been gone.

    Something about the situation was still bothering Will. He felt like he was being watched, and more importantly being judged.

    He had no way to verify the suspicion and so didn¡¯t voice it, but he was beginning to feel like he was being tested in some way.

    The mood of the party was as different as could be. Dio and Rex and Skullcrusher were chatting excitedly as they planned out how to spend their money, and while Virgil wasn¡¯t as forthcoming with his excitement, he still seemed to be pretty pleased with himself.

    Glory had vanished, claiming that he was exhausted. Will was beginning to wish he could do the same.

    Finally they boarded the overnight train back to King¡¯s Hollow. Nobody had really said anything, but it was clear that Skullcrusher intended to follow the party back, and presumably officially join up.

    Will didn¡¯t really know how he felt about that, but he didn¡¯t feel the need to shut the hyena-man out without due consideration.

    A cynical part of him countered this by reminding Will that the longer the gnoll stuck around the harder it would be to get rid of him.

    In the sleeper car that night, Will bunked with Rex and Virgil. Skullcrusher and Dio shared another bedroom, with Dio taking up two beds.

    Rex snored loudly, which was something Will was used to from when he slept next to Julia. It was strangely familiar, he felt, to be honest.

    Will hadn¡¯t ever really loved sharing a bed with someone, but the rhythmic sound of snoring was comforting in a different way.

    He was homesick, which he realized late at night as he drifted between sleep and waking. But he wasn¡¯t homesick for just earth; he missed his bedroom in the estate in the same way he had missed his real bedroom after a long trip.

    He didn¡¯t want to miss the homely little room. He had built up a layer of detachment from the world; it was one he was grudgingly obligated to protect, not one he was supposed to be missing.

    And yet he did. He missed the supremely comfortable bed, and the privacy, and he looked forward to using the nice blanket Virgil had given him.

    He missed the weird not-refrigerator and the little not-sea stars in the rivers that flowed from the estate¡¯s central spring.

    He missed this all more than he missed his own apartment, the one he shared with his friend, roommate, and ex-girlfriend Julia. Did she miss him?

    She had to, of course. Everyone must have been worried sick. Virgil had said that time would probably flow differently, and that it would probably not have been weeks or months from the perspective of anyone on earth. But even if it was only a week or two¡­

    Christ. She¡¯d be freaking out. Somehow the thought comforted him in a selfish sort of way.

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    ¡°Hey,¡± Virgil said from the bed above Will¡¯s. ¡°Can¡¯t sleep?¡±

    Will thought about saying nothing. ¡°I can¡¯t,¡± he admitted. ¡°I¡¯ve got a lot on my mind.¡±

    Virgil¡¯s tail, which dangled from the side of the bed like a cat¡¯s, curled as he spoke, and Will wondered idly if that was a voluntary or involuntary movement.

    ¡°You want to talk about it?¡± Virgil asked.

    ¡°Not sure,¡± Will said truthfully as he watched the tufted end of Virgil¡¯s tail sway. It was enough like a pendulum that he found it relaxing to focus on.

    ¡°Do you want to talk about anything?¡± Virgil asked.

    Will thought about this. ¡°Can I ask you a¡­ weirdly personal question?¡±

    Virgil¡¯s tail briefly went rigid as he laughed. ¡°Sure, you can ask.¡±

    ¡°I wanted to know about your¡­¡± Will stopped himself from saying ¡®backstory¡¯ which he felt was inappropriate to use for someone metaphorically right in front of him. ¡°Childhood? Did you even have a childhood? Like, did you come into existence fully formed or¡ª¡°

    Virgil laughed good-naturedly. ¡°Seven Scribes, yes I had a childhood. I grew up from a baby just like¡­ mostly everyone else here.¡±

    ¡°Well I had no way of verifying that!¡± Will said defensively. ¡°I haven¡¯t seen any children anywhere so, you know, it¡¯s not unreasonable to not jump to conclusions.¡±

    ¡°You know, I guess you wouldn¡¯t have. At this time of the year most kids are in boarding school.¡±

    ¡°Did you go to boarding school?¡± Will asked.

    ¡°For a few years, yes,¡± Virgil said. ¡°But once I was old enough to work at the estate I had to do that full-time.¡±

    ¡°And you didn¡¯t take to child labor very well, I¡¯m guessing?¡±

    ¡°I took to it very well, actually,¡± Virgil said, his tone dimming. ¡°So well that by the time I was sixteen I was basically running the place all on my own.¡±

    ¡°And then what?¡± Will prompted.

    ¡°I ran the whole business at sixteen, alone, getting none of the credit or the money.¡±

    ¡°Okay, that¡¯s not cool,¡± Will said. ¡°I can see why you don¡¯t like it. So what happened? How¡¯d you end up getting out?¡±

    ¡°One day I decided I¡¯d had enough. I told my fathers that I was done doing it all myself and that if they didn¡¯t hire someone or get off their asses then there''d be no more Staccato Bed and Breakfast.¡±

    ¡°And what happened then?¡± Will asked, examining the tension in Virgil¡¯s tail.

    ¡°They left. They took half of the money and left. They write sometimes, but I haven¡¯t seen them in person since.¡± Virgil paused, disgusted at the memory. ¡°They live somewhere on the coast now I think.¡±

    ¡°What the fuck, that¡¯s crazy,¡± Will said. ¡°They make you do all that and the second you put up any resistance they bail. What the fuck.¡±

    Virgil laughed, trying to shake off some of the tension. ¡°Yeah, it¡¯s not a fun story. I guess it worked out in the end, at least. I do like sharing my home with people, it¡¯s just now I do it with friends instead of customers.¡±

    ¡°When did you learn magic?¡± Will asked, after he yawned widely. ¡°Before or after the¡­ I don¡¯t know, strike¡­ thing?¡±

    ¡°Some before, when I tried to figure out how to do some basic animation to help with work. But mostly after, especially once I met Glory.¡±

    Virgil waited briefly for Will to ask for more details, as he had been conditioned to expect.

    There was no response. Below him, Will had fallen into a dreamless sleep.

 Things I Didnt Make Up: Cinnamon Birds (Fictional), Birds-Nest Soup (Real)

    Although of course, sleep is very rarely truly dreamless. On average, you dream three to five times per night, and sometimes more, and you just don¡¯t remember much of any of them.

    But Will wasn¡¯t exactly dreaming so much as he was experiencing someone else¡¯s dream. It was, in fact, someone else¡¯s nightmare.

    Someone who was not Will but who Will was experiencing the dream through felt himself sink below the surface of a dark lake.

    Hands stretched out to grab him, to pull him back to the surface, but they couldn¡¯t reach. Will felt the stranger¡¯s raw terror, and the slightly more subtle fear that he was beyond saving.

    The current pulled him deeper and deeper, so deep that sunlight failed to reach.

    And yet, below him, there was light. Will was spun around to face it, and he knew that if he could only reach out and touch it he would be saved.

    He swam for it, lungs screaming for air, but the cold water was beginning to freeze around him, chunks of ice clinging to him like leeches.

    An encrusted hand reached, stretching as far as Will could manage, but it wasn¡¯t enough. Ice encased him, and he began to float back to the surface.

    Though he still felt the lack of air, Will didn¡¯t suffocate in the icy tomb.

    When he returned to the surface, he had a perfect view of¡­ someone. People he didn¡¯t recognize as Will but knew had been close to the dreamer.

    They were crying, wracked with shame and sadness and guilt at having lost their friend. This made it all the more difficult that not one of them realized Will was still in the ice. Still able to be saved, if one of them would just look¡­ his¡­ way¡­

    Dumbasses was the first thing Will thought as he woke up. It was not a thought of Will¡¯s but an echo of the dreamer¡¯s. The annoyance and spite in the word lingered in his mind like a bad taste on his tongue.

    He remembered little of the stranger¡¯s dream, only the emotions he had vicariously felt through it. The sensation of drowning made him feel like he needed fresh air, and so he got out of bed.

    Cool wind rushed by him, laced with the scent of decaying leaves and rain. The weather looked like it would soon rain, though it hadn¡¯t actually started yet.

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    Will took deep breaths, unsure of why he so desperately needed to get out of his stuffy, but cozy cabin.

    ¡°Note to self; no more trains for a while,¡± he said to the empty air. He looked across the edge of the car down to the cavalcade of centipedes below him.

    ¡°Don¡¯t fall,¡± said Virgil, who was somehow a few feet behind him.

    Will hadn¡¯t heard anyone approach or even the door to the car open, and jumped in surprise. Thankfully, away from the edge of the train.

    ¡°Christ on a bike, don¡¯t sneak up on me like that!¡±

    ¡°Sorry,¡± Virgil said meekly, backing very slightly away from Will as he steadied himself. ¡°You had just left without a trace. I was worried.¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s not like I could¡¯ve gotten too far,¡± Will said flatly. ¡°The train is big but not getting-lost-on big.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re right,¡± Virgil said. ¡°I should trust you to stick around.¡±

    ¡°Well, it¡¯s not like¡­ Oh.¡± Will said, putting together what Virgil meant. ¡°I¡¯m not leaving. I don¡¯t even have the damn flower.¡±

    Virgil started to say something but Will cut him off. ¡°Why can¡¯t you guys just trust me? I¡¯m not just gonna leave, okay? You guys are all such¡­¡± Will paused, choosing his final word carefully, ¡°worrywarts. All such worrywarts.¡±

    ¡°Sorry. You¡¯re right,¡± Virgil said, sitting down on a piece of railing. ¡°I do trust you. I know you want to do the right thing.¡±

    ¡°Thank you,¡± said Will. ¡°Is there a dining car on this train? I don¡¯t think I¡¯ve eaten anything since¡­ woof, I don¡¯t even know.¡±

    ¡°Yeah, it¡¯s near the back,¡± Virgil said. ¡°Maybe this one has cinnamon rolls.¡±

    ¡°Why cinnamon rolls?¡± Will asked. ¡°Is that important?¡±

    ¡°The train company makes the best ones ever. Fresh from the bird.¡±

    ¡°The¡­ the bird¡­?¡± Will asked.

    ¡°Yeah, you know, the cinnamon bird. The bird that makes cinnamon.¡±

    ¡°Cinnamon grows on trees, I think. It¡¯s like, the inner layer of bark of a cinnamon tree.¡± Will said, vaguely recalling something he had watched on TV decades ago.

    ¡°That¡¯s where cinnamon birds live, yeah,¡± Virgil said. He started walking down the train, causing Will to follow.

    ¡°And the birds harvest the cinnamon?¡± Will asked.

    ¡°Yeah, they make their nests out of it.¡±

    ¡°Gross,¡± Will said. ¡°Although I did once have bird''s-nest soup in Vietnam, and it was pretty good.¡±

    ¡°And that''s made out of peeled bark, too?¡± Virgil asked.

    ¡°No,¡± Will said. ¡°It¡¯s made from the bird¡¯s dried saliva.¡±

 And Now For Something Completely Different

    In the beginning, there was Solitude.

    And it was alone.

    Solitude knew this, and wept, for it was aware of nothing but the gaping emptiness it felt. The endless abyss of loneliness that awaited it.

    And for seven millennia it cried, until the world had been flooded with its tears.

    And then Solitude was not alone.

    Life had been born! Solitude watched it with careful impatience, for it knew how delicate Life could be.

    And it was delicate. Solitude spent an eternity watching the mats of simple, slimy life.

    It watched the tiny components arrange themselves into ever more complex forms.

    It watched these gestalts tear each other apart.

    It watched them crawl from the muck onto the land, and take wheezing breaths of stale air.

    It watched as Life met its gaze, and Life looked back at its oldest companion.

    And Solitude wept once more, for it would never be alone again.

    <hr>

    Seven scribes from seven paths

    Blessed by sacred bonds

    Faced the seven gilded thrones

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    Whence sat the seven gods

    Seven scribes from seven paths

    Slew seven wretched things

    Who¡¯d for seven hundred years

    Snared us in silver strings

    Seven scribes from seven paths

    Godsblood staining their hands

    Were forced to go their separate ways

    To seven distant lands

    And seven scribes turned demigods

    Their struggles all for naught

    Sealed themselves away to spare

    The freedom they so sought

    <hr>

    Dearest Daphnis,

    Construction in Arcadia goes well. Though he is as far away from me as you, wise Algernon''s designs are beyond what I could have ever envisioned. It is strange... he tells me he doesn''t know where the architecture is coming from. It is nothing like anything here, at least. The mansion, a mirror to our old one, is stunning... I wish you could see it. I suppose you could, if you looked to ours.

    They are identical, at least on the outside, but Picard has outdone himself on the interior. He, too, tells me he has no idea where his inspiration comes. He says they remind him of an old friend, but he cannot place a name. He insists that the completed building be called Pick''s Mansion, which is a dreadfully stupid name, but I''m inclined to let him keep it. Something about it makes me feel nostalgic, too.

    Tell me of your own preparations, please. I know they aren''t as elaborate, but you should be proud of what you''ve done on your own. We''ve made people happy. We''re making people happy.

    You should be happy, too.

    Say hello to Uther for me.

    ¡ªYour love, Polybius

 Making it Home

    The dining car was roughly like what Will expected, except for the giant spider. It crawled along the ceiling, dropping menus, dishes, and other objects on lines of silk. Will guessed it was some kind of ogre-faced spider, based on its proportions.

    Virgil watched Will watching the spider. ¡°It must be to save space,¡± Will said, apropos of nothing. ¡°You know, I wouldn¡¯t have expected giant bugs to be so common here.¡±

    ¡°Are they not on earth?¡± Virgil asked.

    ¡°Not anymore. The largest land arthropods went extinct hundreds of millions of years ago.¡±

    ¡°Extinct? As in, they all died out? How do you know what happened to them?¡± Virgil asked.

    ¡°Fossils,¡± Will said. ¡°Do you guys have fossils?¡±

    ¡°Yeah,¡± Virgil said. ¡°People dig them up sometimes, but they¡¯re not usually different from living species.¡±

    ¡°Most fossils on earth are of plants and animals that no longer exist. Ninety-nine percent of all species that have ever lived are extinct.¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s sad,¡± Virgil said quietly. ¡°But that¡¯s life, I guess.¡±

    ¡°Life¡¯s a bitch and then you die,¡± agreed Will.

    Despite himself Virgil laughed. ¡°That¡¯s true! Well, then you come back. Life¡¯s a bitch and then you die and then you come back.¡±

    ¡°What¡¯s it like, to die?¡± Will asked, still watching the spider.

    Virgil didn¡¯t say anything for a moment. ¡°It¡¯s different for everyone, and I obviously try to avoid it, but¡­ for me, it¡¯s like I¡¯m sinking into a dark lake.

    ¡°It¡¯s cold, and murky, but underneath the surface there¡¯s this beautiful glimmer of light, and I swim after it, and when I finally catch it, I wake up, good as new.¡±

    Will listened intently. ¡°That sounds¡­¡± he paused to keep himself from saying ¡®peaceful,¡¯ ¡°¡­lonely.¡±

    ¡°It can be,¡± said Virgil. ¡°Sometimes, even though I can¡¯t see him, I can feel Glory watching me, like he¡¯s protecting me.¡±

    Food was rappelled down to their table, and Will was briefly unconcerned with anything beyond his own hunger.

    It hadn¡¯t yet occurred to him that his new body required significantly more calories than Will needed as a human, and that he was often slightly malnourished because of that.

    ¡°Okay, you¡¯re right, these cinnamon rolls are really fucking good,¡± Will said, forcing himself to speak instead of eating.

    Virgil said nothing as Will ate. After another minute in his own head, Will looked up to see Virgil smiling at him from across the table, his own food mostly untouched.

    Will swallowed the half-chewed roll in his mouth, which went down like a chunk of drywall. ¡°You, uh¡­ you good?¡± He asked sheepishly.

    Virgil snapped awake as if he had dozed off. ¡°Yeah! Yeah, I¡¯m fine. I¡¯m just glad you¡¯re enjoying yourself. I know this whole¡­¡± he gesticulated vaguely, tail flicking behind him, ¡°¡­thing, this place, I guess, isn''t fun for you. So I¡¯m happy when you do find things to enjoy.¡±

    Will laughed nervously. ¡°It¡¯s not like it¡¯s the worst. There are some redeeming qualities.¡±

    ¡°Such as?¡± Virgil asked, keeping his expression neutral.

    ¡°Giant bugs,¡± Will said. ¡°I like the giant bugs. It¡¯s better to be trapped in a gay porn fantasy world with giant bugs than to be trapped in one without.¡±

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    Virgil laughed briefly. ¡°That¡¯s something, at least.¡±

    ¡°I guess¡­ I don¡¯t know,¡± Will continued, unsure of where he was going. ¡°I don¡¯t hate it here. It¡¯s not that bad. Sometimes things are stupid, and annoying, and don¡¯t make sense, but that¡¯s true back home, too. I think that¡¯s just true everywhere, but¡­¡±

    ¡°But?¡± Virgil prompted.

    ¡°There are things that make it worthwhile,¡± said Will, looking again at the spider so he wouldn¡¯t have to face Virgil directly.

    Virgil looked up at the spider as well, studying its deep, black eyes. ¡°What do you want to do about Skullcrusher?¡±

    Will¡¯s mind snapped back to reality. ¡°Oh, I don¡¯t know. I guess he can stay, if everyone else is okay with it.¡±

    ¡°Yeah, but what¡¯s your opinion?¡±

    Will didn¡¯t like confronting the question directly, but didn¡¯t immediately understand why. ¡°He¡¯s clever and easy to control. I think he¡¯s got a lot of good ideas, and maybe he can help us find more intel on whoever was messing with him and those bandit guys.¡±

    ¡°Will, do you or do you not want him in our little team?¡±

    ¡°Yeah, I do!¡± said Will, his temper briefly flaring. ¡°I don¡¯t know why now my opinion suddenly matters.¡±

    Virgil flinched but kept his tone steady. ¡°You¡¯re not making any sense. Of course your opinion matters. It matters quite a lot.¡±

    Will slouched, the tension leaving his body all at once. ¡°I know. It¡¯s just¡­ hard to explain. It¡¯s frustrating.¡±

    ¡°What¡¯s frustrating?¡±

    Will searched for the right words. ¡°It¡¯s easier to imagine going home when there¡¯s less¡­ stuff¡­ keeping me here. I mean, I¡¯m not gonna up and leave, you know that, but, after it¡¯s all said and done I just want to go home.¡±

    ¡°And Skullcrusher is something that might keep you here?¡± Asked Virgil.

    ¡°Well, not just him,¡± Will said sheepishly. ¡°You, too. You guys, I mean. I¡¯ll miss you. I¡¯ll miss you guys.¡±

    Virgil nodded. ¡°I understand. For what it¡¯s worth, I think you should enjoy yourself as much as possible here. Even if it¡¯s just the bugs.¡±

    Will looked up at the spider one last time. ¡°I will miss them, too, I suppose.¡±

    The rest of the train ride was quiet and uneventful, except for when Will officially invited Skullcrusher to come with them.

    The gnoll had picked him up and squeezed him like he was a Furby in a hydraulic press, babbling inarticulately in gratitude and excitement.

    Before the train had even stopped Skullcrusher had jumped out onto the platform and ran on all fours presumably towards Virgil¡¯s estate, leaving Will and Dio to carry his luggage.

    ¡°You know, I always wanted a dog,¡± said Dio, apropos of nothing.

    ¡°Hyenas aren¡¯t dogs,¡± Will corrected, dragging along a bag of gardening tools that probably weighed more than Virgil. ¡°They¡¯re feliforms, so closer to cats than dogs.¡±

    Dio picked up the bag Will had been dragging with one hand. ¡°That¡¯s nonsense, they don¡¯t look anything like cats.¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s cladistics,¡± Will said proudly. ¡°It¡¯s like how whales and dolphins are mammals even though they look more similar to fish. Well, technically they are fish, but not any more of a fish than you or I.¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m a fish!?¡± Dio said, with genuine surprise. He looked at his hand as if expecting it to become a fin.

    ¡°Distantly, yes. All tetrapods retain some ancestral traits from fish, like how our lungs are modified from swim bladders.¡±

    ¡°Fish lungs¡­¡± said Dio dreamily. ¡°That¡¯s wild.¡±

    ¡°If you go far enough back, even arthropods are distantly connected to us. Even plants and fungi share a common ancestor with us, too.¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s part of the druidic teachings,¡± Dio said, ¡°that we are kin with all living things.¡±

    Dio and Will paused, having walked all the way to the estate. Virgil, Glory, Rex, and now Skullcrusher, were already home. Will felt a surge of contentment as he passed the threshold into the courtyard, where Rex was cooking a whole chicken over a large fire pit.

    ¡°You know, I could have just teleported that,¡± Glory said, looking at the bags Dio had been carrying.

    ¡°Sometimes it¡¯s not about doing things as fast as possible,¡± Dio said sagely.

    ¡°So you wanted to show off your prodigious muscles,¡± Virgil interjected. Everyone laughed.

    Dio flexed theatrically. ¡°And? What of it?¡±

    Rex wolf-whistled at the display, then turned the chicken over to cook the other side.

    Will said nothing, leaning against the wall and watching the conversation unfold. He felt¡­ at home, he decided. He wanted to feel annoyed at himself, but he decided that it was okay, for now.

    After all, it wasn¡¯t like he would be here forever.

 The Meaning is Left as an Exercise for the Reader (sorry)

    A day passed, then two or maybe three. Time had a way of slipping away from Will here. The cool autumn gave way to chilly mornings, with the first hints of frost clinging weakly to the leaves of the trees surrounding the estate.

    Will liked winter, on earth, where he was allowed to wear shirts, and also lived in a desert. He had been hoping to escape the cold on the train ride back south, but it seemed to have followed him.

    He ended up spending a lot of time in the warmest parts of the villa; the forge, whenever Rex was working in there, or by the edge of the hot spring, where the cold air mixing with the warm water created plumes of mist Will found relaxing to watch.

    While clinging to warmth, Will spent a lot of time poring over histories. The inkling of an idea was beginning to form in his head, and he had an odd feeling that it was connected to the Scribes, and so had been focusing on them.

    To call the differences between pre-Scribe history and post-Scribe history like night and day was an understatement. The entirety of pre-Scribe history was a thousand years longer and yet so devoid of actual history it was like reading a bulleted list.

    Kingdoms rose once, never fell, warred over nothing and then stopped, with no borders changed and no diplomacy ever conducted. Dynasties lasted for generations, with the number of internal power struggles countable on one hand.

    Gifts from the gods constituted the majority of technological or magical innovation, and only ever trickled in. Agriculture, metalworking, power sources, and language only ever advanced at a snail''s pace.

    The bare minimum for a civilization, starved and stunted so that it could never think to ask for more.

    In contrast, the history of the post-Scribe world was bursting with innovation, chaos, war, love, tragedy, and scientific advancement. A Cambrian explosion of culture, making up for a thousand years of lost time in two centuries.

    It was... remarkably similar reading to earth''s history, in composition if not in exact details, was Will''s takeaway. Interesting, if you liked that sort of thing, but not what Will was after.

    ¡°Are there any books on the Scribes themselves?¡± Will asked Virgil one evening. The estate had a decent collection of books, not a library''s worth but certainly enough to satisfy Will for a long time.

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    ¡°In general, or here specifically?¡± Virgil asked.

    ¡°Here specifically,¡± Will decided.

    ¡°I''d have to check,¡± Virgil said. ¡°I''m sure I''ve read one when I was a kid, but who knows where it''s ended up.¡±

    ¡°Can''t you just get Glory to like, teleport it?¡± Will asked.

    ¡°Glory can only grab things he knows the exact location of,¡± Virgil said, in a tone of voice that suggested he had explained this a hundred times to a hundred different people and was trying not to be a bitch about it.

    ¡°Got it,¡± Will said, trying to sound reasonable. ¡°Although, didn''t Glory mention once that he knew the Scribes as a kid? Or like, whatever an immature angel is. An angel instar.¡±

    ¡°He did, yeah,¡± Virgil said. ¡°His parents are two of them, so I''m pretty sure he''s met all of them.¡±

    ¡°Okay, I did not know that,¡± said Will. ¡°I feel like that would have been relevant information that would have come up before now.¡±

    Virgil gave Will an embarrassed, pleading look. ¡°Well, everyone knows that, so I guess it never occurred to me that you wouldn''t. And Glory doesn''t like talking about it, so I try not to bring it up.¡±

    ¡°Which ones?¡± Will asked. ¡°They''re like, an angel and a demon, yeah?¡±

    ¡°Reach Heaven Through Violence, Scribe of Wrath, and, uh, Fuck Like a Broken Train, Scribe of Lust.¡±

    ¡°Fuck Like a Broken Train,¡± Will repeated. ¡°Do they *all* have names like that?¡±

    ¡°Pretty much,¡± Virgil said.

    ¡°What does that even mean, ''Fuck Like a Broken Train?''¡± Will asked. ¡°Like I get that they''re all sayings, very The Culture of them, but at least most of them make sense.¡±

    ¡°I''m just as clueless as you here,¡± Virgil said, shrugging. ¡°There''s a reason they tend to have nicknames.¡±

    ¡°We''re getting off topic,¡± Will said, brushing off the point. ¡°I think the person who hired Skullcrusher is connected to the Scribes somehow, but he''s also keeping his identity extremely well-hidden.¡±

    ¡°Do you think it''s one of the Scribes?¡± Virgil asked, in a tone similar to how someone might say ''Do you think the Pope committed arson?''

    ¡°Maybe, but I don''t think so,¡± Will said. ¡°If they''re all as senile as Daphnis is, I don''t think any of them would cover their tracks so well. And I don''t know what motive any of them would even have.¡±

    ¡°Are you talking about my parents?¡± Glory asked, appearing from nowhere. He was holding a large knife and half of a potato.

    ¡°Yes,¡± said Will, because there was no point in lying.

    ¡°Will thinks they might have a lead to who-or-whatever is behind the Taint,¡± Virgil said.

    ¡°Fuck,¡± Glory said flatly.

    ¡°Like, the proper noun, or the verb, or the exclamation,¡± Will asked.

    ¡°Exclamation,¡± Glory clarified. ¡°I don''t think my dad is the culprit. I''d rather deal with Fuck than Reach, anyways.¡±

 At Any Given Time There Are About Eight Things Will Is Forgetting

    ¡°Well, instead of zero leads we have six,¡± said Will, poring over his notes. If he had a pinboard, several photographs, and an abundance of red string, he would have had them strung up like a detective, or possibly a serial killer.

    As it was, though, he merely had a dozen books and twice as many loose pages arranged into poorly-balanced stacks.

    Virgil was sitting some distance away, as if Will was projecting an invisible barrier he dared not cross.

    ¡°Why not seven? Daphnis might still have something.¡± Virgil asked.

    ¡°I don¡¯t think that¡¯s likely,¡± Will said, grabbing a piece of paper. ¡°We already got the clue in the form of Skullcrusher, so we need to find something somewhere else.¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t follow,¡± Virgil said blankly, picking up a scrap of paper that had fallen.

    ¡°I think whoever this culprit is, he wants us to find him.¡±

    ¡°What? Why?¡± Virgil asked, more than a little surprised.

    ¡°I don¡¯t know. But if he¡¯s so good at covering his tracks, it¡¯s weird that he left obvious threads to follow. He left just enough information to lead us to the tomb, and Skullcrusher, and then the lead on the Scribes.¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s a very extraordinary claim. If this mystery man is also controlling the Taint, then why would he be leaving clues that lead us to finding and stopping him?¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t know,¡± Will said again. ¡°But I think this is the best lead we have, so we should still pursue it.¡±

    ¡°It could very easily be a trap,¡± Virgil said.

    ¡°Traps are only dangerous if you don¡¯t see them coming,¡± Will countered, his tone perfectly confident. ¡°If we assume it is a trap, we can prepare for that.¡±

    Virgil did not share Will¡¯s unwavering confidence but decided that he didn¡¯t need to. ¡°Okay, what¡¯s our next move? Does anything here give you any ideas?¡±

    ¡°I had a letter here, I swear it was just here a second ago¡­¡± Will said.

    Virgil finished scanning the paper he was holding and handed it to Will.

    ¡°Yes, this one, thanks. It¡¯s addressed to Daphnis, from Polybius. It mentions a mansion that isn¡¯t like anything else here, and that the architect has no idea where the designs came from. It reminds me a bit of the memory-holes Skullcrusher has, and how his master used earth terminology he¡¯d never heard anywhere else.¡±

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    ¡°So this mansion was designed by the same person, you think?¡± Virgil asked.

    ¡°Or someone connected to them, or something,¡± Will corrected. ¡°But there¡¯s definitely a similarity there, don¡¯t you think?¡±

    ¡°I can see it,¡± agreed Virgil. ¡°Arcadia is as good a lead as any. Not my kind of place, but¡­ I trust you.¡±

    ¡°What¡¯s it like?¡± Will asked.

    ¡°Polybius is the Scribe of Pride, so his domain is all about competition and bragging rights and all that kind of nonsense.¡± Virgil said dismissively. ¡°There¡¯s always games and competitions and leaderboards and arguments¡­ it¡¯s exhausting. Rex and Dio cannot get enough of the place.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯ve been?¡± Will asked, which he realized was pretty redundant to ask.

    ¡°A few times. It¡¯s actually where I met Dio, so if you really want every little detail, ask him about it. He used to literally live there, which sounds like a nightmare.¡±

    ¡°It can¡¯t be that bad,¡± Will said, thinking of Julia¡¯s hobby of speedrunning generation 4 Pokemon games.

    ¡°Your housing is tied to how well you score. If someone breaks your record you get booted down to a worse living space.¡± Virgil said in a flat, unhappy tone.

    ¡°Okay, maybe it can be that bad. But we don¡¯t need to live there, we just need to investigate that mansion.¡± Will paused, thinking. ¡°The mansion is the house of the highest-ranking competitor, isn¡¯t it?¡±

    Virgil laughed. ¡°Oh, no, no, no. Nobody lives in Pick¡¯s Mansion. It¡¯s like an artificial dungeon where you fight monsters and loot treasure to score points. It¡¯s all a big game.¡±

    ¡°Oh thank god, if I had to run a marathon or something I think I¡¯d just lay down and die,¡± said Will, forgetting how he now had roughly equivalent speed and stamina to many Olympic athletes.

    Virgil got up and headed out of the room. He paused in the doorway and said ¡°You¡¯ve been in here for hours. Why don¡¯t you come get some breakfast?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m fine, I just ate¡­ several¡­ hours ago. Wait, breakfast? What time is it?¡± Will asked, checking his watch which he didn¡¯t have.

    ¡°Probably about six,¡± Virgil said. ¡°Were you in here all night?¡±

    ¡°I kind of got into the zone,¡± Will said half-apologetically. ¡°I took a power nap like two hours ago, so I¡¯m not that tired.¡±

    Virgil looked at Will doubtfully. ¡°At least come get some food, okay? You can¡¯t work on an empty stomach.¡±

    Will started to say something, stopped, and then said something else. ¡°Okay. What¡¯s on the menu?¡±

    ¡°I think I¡¯m gonna make omelets. You like omelets?¡±

    ¡°I love omelets,¡± Will said, which Virgil already knew.

    In fact, Glory was in the kitchen right now cutting up mushrooms for Will¡¯s breakfast, because that was his favorite omelette filling. Sharing a metaphysical link with a mind-reader did have some advantages.

 Last Time Glory Was Fifth-Favorite. This is Called Character Development

    ¡°Please don¡¯t tell me we have to take another train,¡± said Will, who was as sick of something involving giant centipedes as he could possibly be.

    ¡°No,¡± said Virgil. ¡°Actually, we¡¯re lucky Dio used to be a resident of Arcadia, because he¡¯s got an in.¡±

    Dio, who was laying belly-up on a brick fence in the courtyard, grumbled. ¡°Do we have to?¡±

    ¡°I thought you¡¯d be excited,¡± said Virgil, his tone one of slight disappointment. ¡°You love Arcadia.¡±

    ¡°I love some things about Arcadia. The mansion isn¡¯t one of them.¡± Dio said.

    ¡°You don¡¯t have to come in with us if you don¡¯t want to,¡± Will said, diplomatically. ¡°You can go¡­ hang out, or whatever. Kiss an elf or something.¡±

    Dio made a little noise that suggested that he was humoring the idea. ¡°No, you¡¯ll want me to come with. I¡¯ll just complain the whole time.¡±

    ¡°Now you know how I feel,¡± said Will playfully. He did not see Virgil¡¯s reaction.

    Dio¡¯s in turned out to be a golden key covered in grooves and lines like it was a tiny piece of abstract art. ¡°It opens a doorway to my apartment in Arcadia,¡± he explained to Will as he inserted the key into the keyhole of his room.

    The lock clicked open and Dio pushed the door open, revealing a very different room than the kind the estate had. This room was marble and open-air, with a series of columns instead of an outer wall. Afternoon sunlight streamed in.

    ¡°Huh,¡± Will said. ¡°Neat.¡±

    ¡°After you,¡± Dio said, gesturing for the party to go through. Rex practically dashed through, but Virgil, Will, and Skullcrusher were more sedate.

    The visual effect of walking through one door and out into an entirely different location was strange, Will thought, but even stranger was the change of vibe.

    They were suddenly at least a story above ground level, and the warm breeze deposited a beautiful reddish-orange leaf directly onto Will¡¯s face.

    Will pulled the leaf off, his curiosity suddenly absent. Dio squeezed through the door and closed it behind him, and re-opened the door into the connecting room.

    The patio had a few benches encircling a low table, and what looked like an infinity pool sat on the far edge. Most flat surfaces had been covered in a layer of fallen leaves, and a bird¡¯s nest was situated on one of the benches.

    ¡°You don¡¯t use this place very often,¡± Will said, not so much a question as an observation.

    ¡°Not really. It¡¯s nice, but it¡¯s not home, y¡¯know?¡± Dio said, shrugging. He lifted a hand, contorting his fingers in a series of quick gestures, and the leaves fluttered away like a swarm of insects dispersing.

    ¡°Oh my, is that you, Diogenes?¡± A voice from the floor below called. Will considered it somewhat unfair to call it a ¡®gay voice¡¯ in this context, but it was the kind of voice that would say things like ¡°Wig!¡± or ¡°Zaddy!¡±

    Dio froze, thinking of what to say. ¡°I¡¯m just visiting with some friends. Uh, you¡¯re Tyrion, right? You do¡­ archery?¡±

    ¡°Archery and wrestling now!¡± Said Tyrion proudly. Despite being unable to see him Will knew for a fact that he was flexing his biceps.

    ¡°You know where Poly is? I need to talk to him,¡± Dio said.

    ¡°Sigma stadium, I think,¡± Tyrion said. ¡°Something about a cheating scandal!¡±

    ¡°Okay, good, Sigma is where the mansion is,¡± said Dio to his friends. ¡°You guys can take it from here.¡±

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    ¡°I thought you said we¡¯d need you,¡± Will said coolly.

    ¡°You will,¡± agreed Diogenes. ¡°But I need to take care of something, first. I¡¯ll catch up later.¡±

    Virgil interrupted before Will could inquire further. ¡°Let¡¯s just go, we have no idea how long Polybius will be there, or if he even still is.¡±

    Will relented, following Virgil out of the room and then out of the apartment building. ¡°Right now we¡¯re in Gamma stadium, so Sigma is¡­¡±

    Rex whistled and pointed to the middle right, beyond where Will could see.

    ¡°Of course, thank you,¡± Virgil said. ¡°Arcadia is arranged into seven stadiums, divided like spokes on a wheel¡ª¡° he attempted to explain for Will¡¯s benefit.

    ¡°Like Disneyworld,¡± Will said.

    ¡°Like Disneyworld,¡± Virgil agreed deflatedly, having the context supplied to him psychically by Glory.

    ¡°Stadium¡± conjured a very specific mental image in Will¡¯s American mind, one which did not accurately reflect the reality of the area before him. Sigma stadium was a vast stretch of land dotted with flower gardens and red-brick pathways and empty places with unidentifiable events going on.

    Pick¡¯s Mansion, which did in fact look identical to the one owned by Daphnis, loomed over the left side of the stadium, giving the entire area the appearance of a huge private garden.

    Topiaries depicting male figures in athletic poses flanked the main path, which led directly to the mansion. A pair of topiaries were entwined, forming an archway, and Will couldn¡¯t exactly tell if they were wrestling or engaging in a very different form of physical activity, or possibly both at once.

    A small crowd was gathered around the entrance to the mansion. A huge centaur with antlers, turquoise fur, and a ballista-sized bow slung over his back was saying something to what looked like a minotaur, with the air of a teacher scolding a misbehaving student.

    ¡°Is that Poly-¡± Will started to ask.

    ¡°Yes,¡± Virgil said, cutting him off.

    ¡°For the last time, where is he?¡± Polybius asked, stomping a hoof hard enough to crack the tile beneath him.

    ¡°I don¡¯t know! I don¡¯t know!¡± begged the minotaur, clearly terrified. ¡°He just disappeared! The last thing I saw was an axe swinging at my head, and then I got booted out!¡±

    ¡°Unlikely!¡± Polybius said, kicking the minotaur and sending him skidding across the floor. ¡°You cheated! And you know the punishment for cheating!¡±

    Glorious purpose mimicked the noise people make when they clear their throats. ¡°He¡¯s telling the truth,¡± he said, attracting the attention of Polybius and the crowd. ¡°He really doesn¡¯t know what happened to his rival. There¡¯s no need to skewer him in front of all these nice fellows, is there?¡±

    Polybius blinked, as if waking up from a trance. In an instant he was in front of Glory, squeezing him in a bear hug. ¡°Ah, Glory, my fourth-favorite godson!¡±

    ¡°Hello, Polybius,¡± Glory said, not choked by virtue of not having a neck. ¡°How are¡­ things?¡±

    Polybius dropped Glory, who quickly darted back a few feet. ¡°Terrible! Someone has gone missing in the mansion! Haunted mansions aren¡¯t supposed to be dangerous!¡±

    ¡°Interesting. As a matter of fact, I¡¯m here to investigate Picard¡¯s mansion right now.¡±

    ¡°To find our missing athlete?¡±

    ¡°No, though I suppose those might be related.¡±

    ¡°Perfect!¡± Polybius said, already wandering off. ¡°I leave you to it.¡±

    The crowd dissipated, many people following Polybius. The minotaur he had kicked was laying on the floor, groaning in pain. Glory placed a hand on his wide chest and healed the worst of his wounds, including two broken ribs. ¡°Sleep now,¡± Glory said, not quite whispering, and the minotaur immediately dozed off.

    ¡°Polybius seemed¡­ intense.¡± Will said diplomatically.

    ¡°I liked him,¡± said Skullcrusher, who was currently digging through a patch of flowers looking for interesting potential specimens.

    ¡°He is very intense,¡± Glory agreed. ¡°At least we have¡­ some kind of lead, I suppose.¡±

    Rex made a whistling noise, pointing a thumb at a plaque next to the mansion¡¯s double door entrance.

    ¡°High scores,¡± Will read automatically. ¡°That¡¯s weird. High scores feels very¡­ video-gamey. Like I''m standing in front of an arcade cabinet.¡±

    Will was silent for a moment. ¡°God fucking damn it. Why did I have to get stuck in the gay porn fantasy universe that runs on fucking pun logic!?¡±

 This is Why I Established Very Early On How "Dio" is Pronounced

    Will read the scoreboard as he fumed. Each leaderboard appeared to score points for a different ¡°mode¡±, and every leaderboard was topped by DIOGENES by a significant lead.

    ¡°Oh, my god, is that our¡ª¡± Will attempted to say, before he was interrupted by a booming yell from distressingly close by.

    ¡°Hey, nerds!¡± Dio said, clapping Will on the back with the force of a goring bison. ¡°How goes the investigation?¡±

    Will turned, and was strangely horrified to find Dio nearly modestly-dressed in a white toga and a wreath of golden laurels sitting on his mossy head. A green scarf or some other scrap of fabric had been affixed over his eyes and tied behind the back of his head, which apparently didn¡¯t hinder his ability to get around.

    ¡°Uh, fine, what¡¯s with the,¡± Will paused to gesture vaguely at nothing in particular ¡°outfit?¡±

    Dio laughed, the deep kind of laugh someone who wasn¡¯t really having much fun did to sound like they were. ¡°Oh, you know, I just wanted to try something new. Something without any baggage. You know how it is.¡±

    ¡°Can you like, see?¡± Will asked.

    ¡°Not really!¡± Dio said. ¡°It¡¯s okay, though. I¡¯ve got plenty of backup senses.¡±

    ¡°There¡¯s a missing athlete,¡± Glory said, trying to refocus the conversation before it went further off the rails. ¡°We need to enter the mansion and figure out what happened, and if we can get him out.¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s not supposed to happen,¡± Dio said. ¡°If you lose, you¡¯re supposed to just be kicked out.¡±

    ¡°So, what if they haven¡¯t lost?¡± Will suggested. ¡°What happens if you just keep going? Does the mansion ever end?¡±

    ¡°No,¡± Dio said. ¡°The whole thing is a series of rooms that rearrange themselves and their contents when nobody''s looking. Theoretically, you could go forever, but there¡¯s no food or water. Dying of starvation also counts as losing.¡±

    ¡°Are you the Diogenes on all the leaderboards?¡± Will asked.

    ¡°...Yes.¡± Dio said, as if he was deeply embarrassed to admit it. ¡°Time attack, versus mode, survival, battle royale, solo runs¡­¡±

    ¡°I get it,¡± Will said. ¡°You were really good at this. Why¡¯d you stop?¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t want to talk about it,¡± Dio said, with uncharacteristic solemnity.

    ¡°Okay,¡± Will said, managing to resist the urge to question further. ¡°What now?¡±

    ¡°Let¡¯s go inside. Maybe the staff knows something we don¡¯t.¡±

    The mansion opened up into a large, well-lit foyer with a series of rooms open to viewing, as if the walls had been simply ripped up and upholstered over. Will saw a room with a series of cots lined with the resting bodies and restless souls of people who must have been inside the maze recently, along with a pub-like dining area, a crowded lounge, and something that looked like a cross between a blacksmith and a grocery store.

    The set of doors directly opposite the front entrance appeared to lead further into the mansion.

    ¡°Welcome,¡± said a voice, ¡°to Picard¡¯s Mansion. Are you staying forever, or just visiting?¡±

    The voice came from a pile of metal scraps that rearranged themselves into a hovering suit of armor. Instead of a weapon, he held a clipboard, and had a magnetic bow tie affixed to his chestplate, along with a nametag Will couldn¡¯t quite make out.

    Dio patted the animated armor on the head as if ruffling through someone¡¯s hair. ¡°Are you really still using that joke, Clyde? It¡¯s been like twenty years.¡±

    Clyde looked as surprised as a floating collection of rusting metal could look. ¡°Diogenes!? Is that you?¡±

    ¡°Just Dio, for now,¡± Dio said, politely but tiredly, as if he expected to have this exchange a lot.

    ¡°Yes, yes, of course,¡± Clyde said, bowing slightly. ¡°The facilities have changed since you last visited¡­ would you care for an explanation?¡±

    ¡°Not right now, I think we can figure it out,¡± said Dio, waving the animated armor away.

    ¡°Okay, let¡¯s get something to eat,¡± said Dio, pointing to the pub.

    ¡°Shouldn¡¯t we just go in?¡± said Will. ¡°I don¡¯t see why¡ª¡±

    ¡°Always eat before going into the mansion,¡± Dio said, voice and expression determined and sharp. ¡°Never go in on an empty stomach. Trust me on this.¡±

    ¡°Okay, okay,¡± Will said. ¡°You¡¯re the expert. I trust you.¡±

    ¡°Good,¡± Dio said. ¡°I hope they still have that surf-and-turf special.¡±

    The pub, Godrick¡¯s, was quiet. While many people were eating, they didn¡¯t chat or rest, and simply ate as fast as possible.

    If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the violation.

    ¡°Table for five, please,¡± Dio said, poking a service bell on the front podium as gently as possible.

    Another animated suit of armor rose from behind the desk, with a different style of helmet, a differently-colored tie, and a nametag that read ¡°Godrick.¡±

    ¡°Right away,¡± said Godrick, ¡°do I know you from somewhere?¡±

    ¡°Probably,¡± Dio said evasively. ¡°Can I get my usual table?¡±

    ¡°Of course,¡± Godrick said. ¡°Right this way.¡±

    ¡°Godrick¡¯s always been terrible with names and faces,¡± Dio said. Dio¡¯s usual table was in the far corner of the room, with a pair of stained-glass windows letting in the afternoon light. ¡°But he never forgets an order.¡±

    Rex signed something dismissively.

    ¡°Only once, and that was because I bribed him.¡± Dio said. Rex blew a raspberry in response.

    ¡°How famous are you here?¡± Skullcrusher asked. He was turning over a flower in his paws that he¡¯d swiped from somewhere. He seemed uncomfortable in a way Will couldn¡¯t describe. ¡°And how do I get that famous?¡±

    ¡°Very, and be very good at fighting in the mansion,¡± Dio said. ¡°Everyone thinks you¡¯ve just got to be strong, but you¡¯ve got to be smart, too. You¡¯ve got to be creative.¡±

    ¡°Do you have to be all at once? It¡¯s a team game, yes?¡± Skullcrusher asked, crushing the flower between two claws.

    ¡°You¡¯ve gotta be able to rely on teammates, but you¡¯ve got to be able to go it alone, too, y¡¯know?¡± Dio said, voice slowly swelling with pride. ¡°I mean, my friends were great and all, but, you know, I wasn¡¯t just the muscle. I¡¯m not just muscle.¡±

    ¡°Your food,¡± said Godrick, setting down a tray loaded with various dishes.

    ¡°We didn¡¯t order yet,¡± said Will.

    ¡°I know,¡± said Godrick, who explained this constantly. ¡°We decided what you¡¯d need when you entered the premises.¡±

    ¡°What if I change my mind?¡± Will asked.

    ¡°You won¡¯t,¡± said Godrick. ¡°You wanted prime rib with horseradish sauce, mashed sweet potatoes, and lemon-garlic green beans.¡±

    Will stared at the plate, considering this. ¡°Fuck you for being right,¡± he said, taking it.

    ¡°I get that a lot,¡± Godrick said tiredly.

    The rest of the food was distributed wordlessly. Unlike most of the patrons, Dio ate slowly, taking his time. His meal was indeed surf and turf, with prawns roughly the size of bananas and a steak the size of a Wii console.

    ¡°Why does everyone eat so fast?¡± Will asked.

    ¡°They¡¯re impatient,¡± Dio said, biting right through one of the shrimp¡¯s shells. ¡°They just want to eat and do a run until they die so they can eat again and do another run.¡±

    ¡°Isn¡¯t that what we¡¯re going to be doing?¡± Will asked.

    ¡°No, we¡¯re gonna pace ourselves,¡± Dio said. ¡°You get much better results if you take breaks. Quality over quantity, y¡¯know?¡±

    Will nodded. Something about the pub made him feel hesitant about making small talk, so he ate slowly in silence, savoring his food. It really was incredible.

    After they ate, Dio led them to the main doorway into the mansion. A third suit of armor, with the same kind of tie and name tag appeared, blocking the entrance. ¡°State your business,¡± he said, holding a gauntlet in a defensive pose.

    ¡°Survival,¡± Dio said. ¡°Beginner.¡±

    ¡°Uh, are you sure?¡± the armor asked. ¡°You know you only get half points in beginner.¡±

    ¡°That¡¯s fine,¡± said Dio. ¡°Thank you, Rodrick.¡±

    ¡°Of course,¡± the armor said, crumbling back into a pile of metal. ¡°Please, go on in.¡±

    The doors swung open, and then slammed shut behind the party once they entered. The darkness was slowly illuminated by purple-blue candlelight, giving the square room an eerie, haunting vibe. Bookshelves lined one wall, and fancy furniture was arranged like a lounge, with a grand piano in one corner of the room.

    There was also a large cube of slime in the middle of the room, whose resemblance to any existing copyrighted monsters is purely coincidental. It jiggled menacingly as a pair of animated suits of armor, identical to the ones outside but wielding rusty, jagged weapons, advanced.

    Glory appeared to intercept a massive axe cutting Virgil in half, the metal scraping against his wing with a terrible screech.

    Rex grabbed the other suit of armor¡¯s sword and bent it in half like a paperclip, to which the armor responded by simply socking him in the jaw.

    Skullcrusher pulled a glass jar of unidentifiable muck from his pack and threw it at the cube, which stuck harmlessly into it without breaking. ¡°Rats,¡± he said under his breath, searching his bag for something more likely to break.

    Will ignored all of this and immediately went to the bookshelf, struggling to scan the titles in the weak firelight.

    ¡°Do you really have to investigate that right now?¡± asked Dio as he cleaved a quivering lime-green cube of slime into two equally-sized quivering lime-green irregular polygons of slime.

    ¡°You said the rooms reset when nobody¡¯s looking, so yes, actually,¡± Will said, grabbing a book from the bookshelf.

    ¡°War and Peace, by Leo Tolstoy,¡± Will said, as if that meant anything to anyone but him here. ¡°This is a book from earth.¡±

    ¡°What¡¯s it about?¡±

    ¡°A lot of things, including war, and peace,¡± Will said, flicking the book open. The pages were blank. ¡°Except this copy. It¡¯s empty.¡±

    Will put the book back where he had found it, and took another from the shelf. ¡°Neuromancer, by William Gibson,¡± he said, opening it.

    ¡°The sky above the port was the color of television, tuned to a dead channel.The sky above the port was the color of television, tuned to a dead channel,¡± Will paused, putting the book down. ¡°Why does this one have writing but the other doesn¡¯t?¡±

    ¡°You¡¯ve read Neuromancer,¡± Glory said as he was grappled by an animated suit of armor futilely trying to strangle a being with no neck. ¡°But you haven¡¯t read War and Peace.¡±

    Virgil lept an impressive distance up to a high shelf, pulling a massive tome out. ¡°Atlas Shrugged, by Ayn Rand,¡± he said, cracking it open. ¡°Have you read this one?¡±

    ¡°God, no way,¡± Will said, his tone laced with self-righteous pride. He put Neuromancer back on the shelf.

    ¡°Well it¡¯s not empty,¡± Virgil said, tossing the book to Will who caught it with both hands. Sure enough, it was written in.

    Will dropped the book to the floor. ¡°Weird,¡± he said. ¡°Really weird.¡±

 Worth a Thousand Words

    There''s a bad habit I have as a writer of not describing what characters look like. It''s not exactly that I don''t care, but it''s not something I think about while reading, and so not something I prioritize while writing.

    I''m something of an amateur pixel artist (I did Gilded Rose''s icon myself) and over the past year or so I''ve drawn several of the characters. I figured it wouldn''t be out of the question to share what I think they look like with you.

    Please note that if your interpretation of any character differs from how I depict them, that doesn''t mean you''re wrong or that my designs are more "canon" than anyone else''s. At least, that''s not how I see it. Every piece here was drawn by me, and except for Virgil, every character was also designed by me.

    If you encounter this narrative on Amazon, note that it''s taken without the author''s consent. Report it.

    From left to right:

    Row 1: Will, in profile and in portrait; Virgil, who was designed by my good friend PeacefulRoadkill.

    Row 2: Glorious Purpose, Dio, and Glory''s twin brother Perish the Thought. This piece was originally done for my Patreon to accompany an early side chapter featuring him.

 Potayto, Potayto, Potahto, Potahto

    ¡°That was easy,¡± said Will, who hadn¡¯t done anything.

    ¡°The first room is always easy,¡± Dio replied, in the same way someone might say ¡°You need air to breathe,"

    ¡°The rooms become more challenging and complicated as you explore,¡± Glory said. ¡°We shouldn¡¯t dawdle.¡±

    Dio picked up the grand piano by the edge and wedged it up, as if deciding how easy it would be to carry. ¡°Check any drawers or cupboards for treasure. Gold, jewelry, even silverware. If it¡¯s not nailed down, take it.¡±

    Will grabbed War and Peace, then Neuromancer from the shelf. Glory tossed him a backpack, and Will stuffed the books in. He grabbed a number more books without obvious titles and added those for good measure.

    ¡°Does the score actually matter if we¡¯re looking for someone?¡± Will asked.

    ¡°Not really,¡± said Dio, grabbing a fistful of gold coins from a hidden compartment on the piano. ¡°But it might buy us time in a later room. Literally.¡±

    ¡°We¡¯re being timed?¡± Will asked, looking around as if he would see a hidden camera on the ceiling.

    ¡°Not exactly,¡± Dio said. ¡°But the difficulty doesn¡¯t just increase based on rooms. The longer you take per room, the harder things get.¡±

    Dio opened the door to the next room, and ushered everyone through. Just like the last door, it slammed automatically behind them.

    ¡°Can you get separated if someone won¡¯t leave a room?¡± Will asked.

    ¡°No,¡± Dio said. ¡°Or it¡¯s not supposed to. If it detects a living person it won¡¯t close.¡±

    ¡°I assume the same courtesy is not extended to a dead person?¡± Will asked.

    Dio laughed grimly. ¡°No, I suppose not.¡±

    This room looked like a greenhouse, with each window to the outside world hopelessly obscured by bluish-purple foliage. Skullcrusher looked upon it with almost reverent awe, so transfixed that he failed to notice the roots beginning to tangle around his feet.

    ¡°I¡¯ve got to get a sample of that orchid¡ª¡± Skullcrusher began to say, before he was pulled halfway into the loamy soil by what could only be described as a number of pale, grasping hands emerging from the floor.

    ¡°Whoah, this is new!¡± Dio said, stomping on one of the exploring floor-hands. It recoiled in apparent pain, then three more erupted to strike back. They clawed uselessly at Dio¡¯s stone-hard calves, then turned their attention to Virgil.

    ¡°Get them out of the ground!¡± Skullcrusher said as he was pulled under. ¡°They¡¯re not just hands, they¡¯re¡ª¡±

    His words were cut off by his head disappearing under the dirt.

    Glory vanished from space, and Will had the sudden sensation of something very big moving in a direction he couldn¡¯t properly see.

    Then, he was back, pulling Skullcrusher into the correct plane of existence. The gnoll spit out black loam, retching and snarling.

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    Below them, the dirt exploded out, the source of the arms apparently annoyed at having their prey stolen. Three brown, lumpy masses of pale limbs, lifeless eyes, and wicked jaws leapt from the ground, spraying dirt into Will¡¯s eyes with uncanny accuracy.

    ¡°Potatoes!?¡± Will asked, trying to clear his vision. The creatures walked without differentiating arms from legs, like huge wobbling tumbleweeds.

    One lurched above him, intent on simply smashing him down, while two others ganged up on Glory and Skullcrusher.

    On pure instinct Will headbutted the monstrous tuber, jumping up and letting the momentum do the brunt of the work.

    The potato went flying, landing far away and digging into the soil like a shark swimming through water.

    Dio laughed, shapeshifted into something like a four-armed gorilla, and ripped a potato clean in half, tossing them to the ground.

    Each half burrowed into the soil independently, then sprouted fourth again as a quickly-growing mini-potato.

    ¡°Fuck, I hate it when they do that,¡± Dio said. ¡°Frankly pretty bullshit.¡±

    The ragged lines where the potato had been split grew teeth and lashing tongues, and the two new potatoes lunged forth on wiry legs.

    Skullcrusher threw a glass jar at one of them just before it attempted to bite Dio¡¯s leg off. The jar shattered, dumping what looked like a ball of tangled roots onto the potato.

    The roots unfurled, burrowing into the potato¡¯s starchy flesh like carrion worms, and the potato looked dumbly forward, wobbling, before the parasitic plant grew out of it with a series of lovely, six-petaled flowers.

    The parasitized potato turned on its former other half with shocking brutality, systemically ripping off limbs and chunks and then swallowing them whole to prevent reformation.

    ¡°Yes! Go, my minion!¡± Skullcrusher said, before another potato leapt towards him like an orca whale hunting a delicious baby seal.

    ¡°Save me, my minion!¡± Skullcrusher said weakly as the potato shook him around in its mouth.

    The commandeered potato did not come to its master¡¯s aid. Instead, Rex plunged a red-hot dagger into the potato¡¯s skin, and sliced along it sideways, the creature hissing in pain and steaming.

    It released Rex and crawled back to the dirt, trying to heal itself, but Virgil smashed it flat against a glass wall with a purple barrier shaped like a turtle¡¯s shell.

    The final potato, sensing it was outnumbered, meekly scampered away into a corner, where Glory disposed of it with a sword between two of its larger eyes. It instantly vanished in a flash of blinding light, leaving only a regular-sized, apparently-ordinary baked potato.

    The potato allegedly controlled by Skullcrusher ate its former comrade along with a mouthful of dirt, then trotted over to the gnoll like a contented dog.

    ¡°I have to say that¡¯s one of the weirder things I¡¯ve fought lately,¡± said Will conversationally. He picked up a trowel with a head of sterling silver and stuffed it in his bag. ¡°What do you think?¡±

    ¡°Eh,¡± said Dio.

    ¡°Not particularly,¡± agreed Virgil and Glory simultaneously.

    Rex played a two-tone, flat note.

    ¡°Who¡¯s a good boy, who¡¯s a good boy?¡± asked Skullcrusher, not paying any attention to anything but his botanical abomination. ¡°Yes you are!¡±

    ¡°Can we just¡­ take it with us?¡± Will said, looking at the parasitized potato.

    ¡°I¡¯m calling him Kevin,¡± Skullcrusher said.

    Kevin looked pleadingly at Will.

    ¡°Fine, okay.¡±

    ¡°It won¡¯t be for that long,¡± Skullcrusher said. ¡°The parasite consumes its host from the inside. Kevin will be a withered husk within an hour or two.¡±

    ¡°Great. And you still named it?¡± Will asked.

    ¡°I want to cherish our limited time together,¡± Skullcrusher said. He grabbed another chunk of potato flesh from the final dead one, and tossed it towards Kevin.

    Kevin caught it in the air and barked twice happily, either unaware or ambivalent to his inevitable demise.

 A Medium-Rare Encounter

    The next room was an empty, stony room, like a basement, or maybe a dungeon. Nothing attacked, but Will didn''t much care for the dark, dusty room. There was nothing of obvious value.

    ¡°What''s the point of an empty room like this?¡± Will asked, rubbing a hand across an ancient wooden table, which scattered dust in all directions.

    ¡°Sometimes before a tough fight, the mansion gives you a chance to catch your breath,¡± Dio said, knocking on a shelf.

    Sealed cans of what was probably food rattled from the shock.¡°It''s not exactly comfortable, but it is safe.¡±

    ¡°Great.¡± Will said. ¡°A boss fight.¡±

    Skullcrusher snipped some of the pink flowers from Kevin, putting them back into a jar. They curled up and turned into bunches of what looked like Spanish moss, which is not from Spain and more closely related to pineapples than to moss.

    Will watched with interest. ¡°So, the parasitic plant controls the host, and you control the parasite? Like, a puppet of a puppet?¡±

    ¡°I suppose so,¡± Skullcrusher said. ¡°It''s not as easy to control as a summon, but I''ve always got some sprouts on hand. And, of course, it''s rather potent against other botanical monsters.¡±

    ¡°Does it work on animals?¡± Will asked, poking one of Kevin''s remaining flowers.

    ¡°No, just plants. But it can commandeer just about any plant, if given a chance,¡± Skullcrusher said proudly.

    ¡°Instant soldiers, just add water,¡± Will muttered to himself.

    ¡°It''s an epiphyte, actually, so I don''t need to add water,¡± Skullcrusher said. ¡±It gets all the water it needs from the air and its host.¡°

    ¡°It''s an expression,¡± Will said. ¡±It just means, with minimal effort.¡°

    ¡±Fascinating,¡± Skullcrusher said. ¡°You are from the coast?¡±

    ¡°Actually, I''m from the desert,¡± Will said.

    ¡°So, wouldn''t adding water require a lot of effort?¡± Skullcrusher asked.

    ¡°No, I have... well, you know what, I guess it does take a lot of effort. But other people''s effort.¡° Will paused to shrug. ¡±All I have to do is turn on the tap. And then I put effort into other stuff, so it''s simpler for other people, and that''s I guess that''s just society.¡±

    ¡°Society,¡± Skullcrusher agreed, nodding solemnly.

    Dio finished poking through the assortment of canned foodstuffs and gestured through a set of heavy wooden double doors.

    For a moment, Will thought that the doors were the same way they had entered the room, but that didn¡¯t make any sense.

    Sixteen seconds later, he remembered nothing in his life made any sense.

    The wooden doors slammed shut behind Will, pushing him the last little bit of the way into the room.

    It was similar to the first room, in that it resembled a fancy sitting room with walls covered in bookshelves.

    This room was in disarray, though, with massive gouges carved into many of the walls and the plush furniture, which was bleeding stuffing onto the scuffed floor.

    An armored figure was hunched over in one corner, inspecting the corpse of what was until recently a person-sized praying mantis. There was a nasty crunching noise, followed by the wet sound of tearing meat.

    If you come across this story on Amazon, it''s taken without permission from the author. Report it.

    The figure wasn¡¯t examining the carcass. It was eating it.

    As if attuned to Will¡¯s disgust, the creature turned its head around like an owl¡¯s, the shiny glint of its helmet not quite the same as regular metal.

    It was a suit of armor, identical to the one the other ghosts wore, but this one was filled with living meat, a dark, reddish-purple flesh that was slick with an unidentifiable fluid.

    It jerked rapidly, almost weightlessly, to its feet, and snapped its body around so that its head was correctly aligned with its body.

    Will saw a flash of red emanate from the creature¡®s core, pulsing through the visible cracks in its armor like ripples in a pond.

    ¡°It¡¯s a tainted!¡± Will said, as the creature charged him. The helmet split open to reveal a maw of upsettingly-human teeth as it tried to bite a chunk out of his shoulder.

    ¡°It''s wearing armor!" Glory said disbelievingly. "That should not be possible."

    ¡°I think they could do a barbershop quartet and it wouldn¡¯t surprise me anymore,¡± Will replied as he kicked the creature in the chestplate, knocking it into the nearest wall.

    The tainted knight scrambled away like a cockroach, clinging to the wall and narrowly avoiding a chandelier that Dio had thrown at it.

    The creature twitched and jerked as it moved, as though it wasn¡¯t entirely in control of its own movements.

    It slashed at Rex with a hand that sprouted into a serrated blade of bone and sinew as it sliced through the air, and it seemed more surprised than Rex did at the development.

    The creature was relentless, but still terribly outnumbered. Will managed to trip it down with a cut to its ankle, which severed the foot of the creature with unpleasant ease.

    As it fell, Rex slammed it into the ground, pinning it and magically heating the metal of the creature¡¯s armor.

    The creature screamed in horrified pain, the sound identical to any terrified person, and its head snapped around as the creature cooked alive. In a final motion, its jaw unfolded like a moray eel¡¯s, attempting to bite Rex¡¯s head off.

    It missed, biting a chunk of Rex''s cheek out and splattering his face with something between saliva and blood.

    Rex made no motion, but the spit hissed against his flesh, turning his lavender skin an unpleasant red. Rex gritted his teeth as he held the creature down, making sure it was well-done.

    Then, as the body began to dissolve, Rex went limp. Glory picked him up by the shoulder and pressed a hand to his acid-burned cheek.

    Will turned his attention to the floating soul of the armored tainted. It was a thin man, a calico cat if a calico cat could be a twink, with an expression of what Will was pretty sure was dour concentration on his face. People tended to have relaxed, neutral expressions while dead, but this one looked like he was having an intense dream.

    He was also mostly blue, and seemed uncorrupted. Pieces of red were grafted to his fur like scraps of cloth in a quilt, which burrowed into his not-flesh in lines like the strokes of a pen. The red flesh pulsed like a quick heartbeat.

    ¡°That looks bad,¡± Glory said in Will¡¯s mind.

    ¡°I agree,¡± Will said as he reached out for the soul. ¡°This looks¡­ artificial. Someone made this.¡±

    Will touched the skin of the spirit, and his blank eyes opened. He looked at Will with a terrified expression, silently mimicking a scream as he vanished.

    Will didn¡¯t like that. Somehow, that was worse than hearing the monster scream.

    ¡°It¡¯s like someone stuck pieces of a tainted soul to a healthy one,¡± Will said. He really wanted to wash his hands, and possibly the inside of his brain. ¡°Do you think that¡¯s how it was wearing armor?¡±

    ¡°Possibly,¡± Glory said. ¡°Frankly, I have no idea. But that¡¯s bad. Who would do something like that?¡±

    ¡°Maybe the guy controlling them in the first place. Even smart animals have limits,¡± Will postulated. ¡°But people don¡¯t. Much more useful as puppets.¡±

    Will¡¯s mind returned to the conversation he had had with Skullcrusher, about the parasitic plant he had taken over the potato monster with.

    ¡°Maybe it¡¯s not controlling the body, but the tainted shell around it,¡± Will said. The body of the monster was fading into light, but Will managed to rend the helmet off the rotting knight.

    For a moment, he was afraid that it would have the same face as his ghost, but it was just more rotting meat. One eye twitched rapidly, and it met Will¡¯s gaze as it melted away, leaving nothing but dented metal.

    He looked like he was sorry.

 Home is Where The Heart is, Whether You Like it or Not

    Will was more rattled than he wanted to be by the creature. Even though there had been grosser tainted, that one, the way it looked at him, was painful.

    Will put his hand on one of the pieces of loose armor. ¡°I wonder if¡ªYagh, hot!¡±

    It was like putting his hand on a hot oven rack. Will cursed the pain and his own stupidity, dropping the steaming hunk of metal.

    Rex picked up another piece and waved it like a fan, as if some airflow would reduce the scalding metal to room temperature.

    ¡°I wonder if,¡± Will continued as Virgil healed his hand. ¡°The armor itself has any special properties. It¡¯s kind of like the sets of armor that the¡­ butler armor ghost guys¡­ wear, or are.¡±

    Will paused, considering something. ¡°That wasn¡¯t the guy we were looking for, right?¡±

    ¡°No,¡± said Glory. ¡°Thank heavens for that. We¡¯re looking for a human.¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t want to just¡­ leave the armor, I guess,¡± Will said. ¡°That feels wrong. Even if it¡¯s just inert metal.¡±

    Rex looked at him quizzically, but began stashing the pieces in his backpack. He dumped a pile of necklaces on the floor to make room.

    ¡°Ah, don¡¯t leave those,¡± Dio said. ¡°The weight-to-score ratio for jewelry is crazy efficient.¡±

    ¡°We¡¯re not here for a high score,¡± Glory reminded. ¡°We have something more important to worry about.¡±

    ¡°Right, but¡­¡± Dio said, the words dying in his throat.

    ¡°If this tainted wasn¡¯t the guy, what was it doing here?¡± Will asked to the room at large. ¡°Was it trying to guard something? Or maybe it was just a distraction, a red herring.¡±

    ¡°Is there an inherent meaning?¡± Skullcrusher asked. ¡°Perhaps it is just one of the universe¡¯s incalculably numerous random coincidences.¡±

    ¡°Perhaps,¡± Will conceded. ¡°But I don¡¯t think it was random. It meant something.¡±

    Rex whistled softly, waving one of the gauntlets, which he tossed to Will. On the wrist side of the gauntlet, a plus sign and two circles were engraved.

    ¡°That¡¯s weird.¡± Will said, looking at the glyphs. ¡°They almost look like¡­ God. No way. That¡¯s too stupid. I refuse to entertain the possibility.¡±

    Glory gave him a sympathetic look. ¡°It¡¯s not a bad guess.¡±

    ¡°It looks like a video game controller. Like, an ancient one. An NES, maybe. It had to have been left by someone from earth. Do the other armor guys have the same symbol?¡±

    Will pressed a thumb to what would have been the A button. Immediately, the gauntlet sprung up, pointing a finger toward a door that Will wasn¡¯t convinced had been there a moment ago.

    ¡°Well, that¡¯s a clue,¡± said Will flatly. ¡°Not much less subtle than a literal pointing finger.¡±

    Holding the gauntlet in one hand, Will opened the door.

    The next room was a dining hall, with piles of fresh fruit on large metal trays. Will ignored the furnishings and continued to the end of the room, with another door being pointed to by the gauntlet.

    Thankfully nothing came alive and tried to kill him, though a padded chair considered it. Glory gave it a stern look as he passed.

    Then the next room, a pool. There was no water, but it still smelled of chlorine.

    The gauntlet continued pointing diligently forward, but Will paused before opening the door. ¡°It can¡¯t be that simple.¡± He said.

    ¡°Why not?¡± Asked Skullcrusher as he sampled some dried algae from the pool¡¯s dry filter.

    ¡°Because everything here is an absurd reference to video games, and whoever is designing this place thinks he¡¯s really fucking clever. Turn around. Go back the way we came.¡±

    The banquet hall had been replaced by a barracks, with a dozen bunk beds lined against the walls.

    Stolen from its original source, this story is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

    ¡°Back again,¡± Will said. ¡°Then left, then right, then left again, then right again.¡±

    ¡°You sound very sure of that,¡± Virgil said.

    ¡°It¡¯s so stupid that it has to be the correct solution. I take no pleasure in this certainty.¡±

    When Will opened the final door, it shut behind him before anyone could follow.

    The gauntlet wrenched itself from his grasp and skittered into the shadows. This room, which Will was certain was the final room, looked like a library.

    ¡°You made it,¡± said a voice from behind a bookshelf. ¡°It¡¯s good to have someone who appreciates the classics.¡±

    ¡°Uh-huh,¡± Will said ruefully. ¡°The Konami code. Very clever. Who are you?¡±

    Will turned the corner and saw a man not much older than he was tinkering with some handheld machine. He looked up at Will and gave a knowing smile. ¡°I¡¯m afraid I don¡¯t have a name anymore. But you can call me Guile, if you must.¡±

    ¡°Do you know anything about a missing person? Are you the missing person? No, that wouldn¡¯t make sense.¡±

    ¡°Astute,¡± Guile said. ¡°No, I just needed to speak with him. And then I needed to speak with you. Two birds, one stone, you get it.¡±

    ¡°So you kidnapped him?¡±

    ¡°Kidnap is such a loaded word. This is my mansion, after all. He entered it willingly, as you did. And now that I¡¯m done with him, he¡¯s free to go.¡±

    Guile opened the door to a closet beside him and the limp body of a muscular man fell to the ground.

    ¡°He¡¯s dead.¡± Will observed flatly.

    ¡°No, just unconscious. Not that death is an incurable condition here.¡±

    ¡°You¡¯re from earth,¡± Will said. It wasn¡¯t a question.

    ¡°Of course,¡± said Guile. ¡°How is earth these days?¡±

    ¡°Could be better.¡± Will said. ¡°How long have you lived here?¡±

    ¡°I was brought here in nineteen ninety-two,¡± said Guile. ¡°But I¡¯ve probably been here longer than however long it¡¯s been since then. The timing isn¡¯t exactly linear, you see.¡±

    Guile pointed to the unconscious man on the floor. ¡°He¡¯s from two thousand and one, but he¡¯s only been here a few years.¡±

    ¡°Twenty twenty three,¡± said Will.

    Guile suddenly looked at Will with unexpected intensity. ¡°That long, eh? How is the Game Boy selling these days?¡±

    Will laughed despite himself. ¡°The latest Nintendo console can plug into a TV or be played handheld.¡±

    ¡°Fabulous,¡± Guile said distantly. ¡°Are the graphics alright?¡±

    ¡°I can say with confidence they would blow you away,¡± said Will. ¡°It¡¯s like nothing you¡¯ve ever imagined.¡±

    Guile took a deep breath. ¡°You like it here, Will?¡±

    ¡°It¡¯s fine, I guess. I want to go home, though. When I¡¯m done.¡±

    ¡°When you¡¯re done,¡± Guile echoed. ¡°And what happens if you¡¯re never done?¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t follow,¡± said Will, feeling his stomach drop. He did not like the way Guile was looking at him. Like a predator evaluating prey.

    ¡°What happens if you put down roots? What happens if you let your guard down, let this place in? The spell sends you home. Make sure you know where home is.¡±

    ¡°You sound like you speak from experience,¡± Will said guardedly. ¡°Who are you, exactly?¡±

    ¡°I¡¯m someone who doesn¡¯t get to decide where home is,¡± said Guile. ¡°Not yet, anyway.¡±

    ¡°What do you mean?¡± Asked Will, still maintaining a level tone.

    ¡°I¡¯ve been looking for a long time for a way back to earth. It¡¯s tricky, you know. This place sticks to your soul, and doesn¡¯t want to let go. But I¡¯ve got a solution.¡±

    ¡°Go on,¡± said Will, his voice leaking impatience.

    ¡°The soul is not immutable. There is a way to get the world to reject it, with the correct adjustments. To render it toxic.¡±

    ¡°The Taint.¡± Will said.

    ¡°An unfortunate side effect of my experiments, yes.¡± Guile said.

    ¡°You can¡¯t keep doing that,¡± Will said. ¡°You¡¯re creating monsters.¡±

    ¡°I don¡¯t need to. I have what I want.¡±

    ¡°Then fix them!¡± Will said, his mask of neutrality breaking.

    ¡°Not my concern,¡± Guile said. He stood up and walked past Will.

    ¡°Well, it¡¯s mine!¡± Said Will. ¡°Cleaning up your fucking cancerous mess is the reason I¡¯m here in the first place.¡±

    Will realized that he couldn¡¯t move, and in fact hadn¡¯t been able to in quite some time. ¡°I want to go home, too, asshole!¡±

    ¡°I know,¡± said Guile, opening the door. ¡°For what it¡¯s worth, I¡¯m sorry about that. But I¡¯ve waited long enough for this. I can¡¯t stop now.¡±

    Guile left the room, slamming the door shut behind him. Will and the limp body of the missing adventurer were defenestrated out of the leftmost window of the mansion, directly into a spherical topiary.

    ¡°Ugh,¡± Will said. He really wished he¡¯d lied about the Switch¡¯s graphics.

 Sick Balatro Reference

    Glory found Will almost instantly.

    ¡°What happened?¡± He asked, pulling Will from the bush.

    ¡°You fucking know what happened,¡± Will said. His head hurt, and he was madder than he¡¯d felt in a long time.

    ¡°I know,¡± said Glory apologetically, ¡°but it¡¯s still polite to ask.¡±

    Will forced himself to unclench his muscles. Whatever else he felt, they had got what they came to get. Will had saved someone, and he had gotten closer to understanding the Taint.

    A frustrating victory was still a victory.

    Glory pressed a hand to the unconscious man¡¯s chest, healing him. The stillness was replaced by a sudden, gratingly loud snoring.

    ¡°He should wake up well-rested,¡± Glory said.

    Will stepped over the laying form of his fellow earthborn visitor.

    It was an extremely weird feeling knowing that there were other people from earth still around. Somewhere in the back of his head he¡¯d assumed he was totally alone.

    ¡°I¡¯m afraid for most men, this place is a major improvement over earth,¡± Glory said. ¡°You may not have much to talk about.¡±

    Will almost said something exceedingly stupid before he remembered that he wasn¡¯t actually the target audience for a fantasy realm like this. ¡°That¡¯s okay. How many people from earth are actually here, in total?¡±

    ¡°I have no idea,¡± Glory admitted. ¡°It¡¯s not been common or easy for centuries. Sometimes, cracks, for lack of a better word, open up, and people or things can slip through one way or the other. It¡¯s impossible to know how many end up here purely by accident.¡±

    ¡°What about Guile? Do you know anything about him?¡± Will asked.

    ¡°I don¡¯t recognize him. You don¡¯t recall any of his facial features or distinguishing characteristics. I assume he¡¯s the memory mage we¡¯ve been searching for, but as before we¡¯re still grasping at straws.¡±

    ¡°Of course I do, I¡­¡± Will started, then stopped. ¡°He looked like¡­ he had hair.¡±

    ¡°Well, I suppose,¡± said Glory.

    ¡°Where are the others?¡± Will asked, stretching his shoulders to relieve some of the ache from landing on them. ¡°We should regroup.¡±

    Virgil, Dio, Rex, and Skullcrusher were sitting at something like a coffee table, playing cards. Unlike a deck of playing cards Will would recognize, they were labeled and illustrated like tarot cards.

    ¡°Exactly thirteen! Prostrate yourselves before me, weaklings!¡± Skullcrusher said, putting down three cards; a three, a four, and a six from his hand.

    Rex whistled something derisively and put down four cards, each a two, from his hand, causing Skullcrusher to bemoan his misfortune.

    ¡°We have information,¡± Glory said, stalling the game as everyone turned to look at him.If you stumble upon this narrative on Amazon, it''s taken without the author''s consent. Report it.

    He, in turn, looked at Will, who took slightly too long to realize that he was supposed to talk about it.

    ¡°I met the guy who designed the mansion,¡± Will started. ¡°He¡¯s from earth. Actually, so was the missing guy we were looking for. Guile, the designer, has been trapped here. He wants to go home, back to earth, but he can¡¯t, for reasons he wouldn¡¯t fully explain.¡±

    ¡°He designed or created or unleashed the Taint, I think as a workaround for whatever keeps him here, but he doesn¡¯t seem to control it directly, and he apparently has what he wanted from it now. So that¡¯s something.¡±

    ¡°He doesn¡¯t appear to know or care what¡¯s guiding their behavior,¡± Glory interjected. ¡°They¡¯ve grown beyond his control.¡±

    ¡°Yeah, so, we have some clues and more questions,¡± Will said, sitting down at the table. He was more tired than he realized. ¡°I don¡¯t know where we go from here.¡±

    Will kept replaying his encounter with Guile in his head, trying to figure out what he could have said or done differently that may have convinced the strange man to take responsibility, or at least to hear Will out.

    He didn¡¯t enjoy feeling like he had been so close to a breakthrough and was only held back by someone else¡¯s stubbornness. There had to have been something he could have said to cut through Guile¡¯s armor.

    ¡°Will,¡± Virgil said, rousing him from his unpleasant reverie. ¡°Do you want to play a round of cards?¡±

    Will almost immediately said ¡°no¡± without hesitation, but paused. The actual game wasn¡¯t the important part; Virgil was trying to shake him out of his bad mood.

    ¡°Sure,¡± Will said uncertainly. ¡°How do you play?¡±

    The game was called Seven Sigils, with seven suits of seven ranks. A bit like poker, hands of cards scored set amounts of points.

    While matching ranks and suits, and the ability to play straights were familiar, another possible hand was any number of cards that added up to thirteen.

    Each card was also named and had unique art. One of the cards in Will¡¯s starting hand, the six of horns, was titled The Wild God, and depicted a stylized satyr that looked a lot like a silhouette of Daphnis.

    Will played a hand of two sixes and two threes, which lost to Dio¡¯s five-card flush.

    The game was fine, but what Will really enjoyed was the cards themselves. There was a lot of detail put into them. The back of the cards had the same diamond flower shape that Virgil¡¯s family put on all their things, so it must¡¯ve been a custom order.

    Will paused, examining one of the cards in his hand; it had no rank or suit, and was called The Outsider. It appeared to be a cloaked figure stepping out of a doorway, or perhaps just peeking through it.

    ¡°What¡¯s this card?¡± Will asked Glory, who wasn¡¯t playing.

    ¡°The Outsider is like a wildcard. It counts as any rank or any suit, but only one or the other at a time.¡±

    Glory paused, listening to Will¡¯s thoughts. ¡°I don¡¯t know who it¡¯s supposed to reference, if anyone. The Outsider is intentionally supposed to be ambiguous and unknowable, a powerful mage from another place and time.¡±

    ¡°Like Guile,¡± Will said aloud, which put all eyes on him. It was purely a gut feeling, and so Will suddenly felt very scrutinized.

    ¡°You seem quite confident of that,¡± Glory observed neutrally.

    ¡°It feels like as good a lead as any,¡± Will said, slightly sheepishly. ¡°Weird old unknowable magic dudes from somewhere else? I think it tracks, even if it¡¯s just speculation.¡±

    ¡°Do we even need to go after him?¡± Glory asked, again flatly, and Will realized he was trying to sharpen Will¡¯s thoughts by offering resistance, like a whetstone to a blade. ¡°He claimed to have no involvement with the real problem.¡±

    Will started to say something, stopped, and thought about it. It was a fair question, but it upset the part of Will that was mad at Guile for getting him into this mess in the first place.

    A vindictive part of him wanted payback on Guile more than he wanted to stop the corruption of the Taint.

    ¡°I don¡¯t know,¡± said Will honestly. ¡°What do you guys think? We can vote on it, if you want.¡±

    Glory smiled internally, which was how he typically smiled. Like a whetstone to a blade, indeed.