《Real Real Life》 Chapter 01: You have Shrugged Off this Mortal Coil Pretty sad, isn''t it? The best thing that ever happened to me was getting crushed to death by a beer delivery truck. I mean, if it wasn''t for that I''d never have met Mandy, Kelly, Mona (and she did!)... or the rest. So there I was, minding my own business, looking at the bikini-clad girl painted right on the back of this beer delivery truck. I didn''t even know what brand of beer it was. Didn''t matter. I was busy trying to tilt my head to get a look down this hot cartoon Polynesian-looking chick¡¯s skimpy bikini bottoms. Which, in retrospect was stupid ¡ª it was a picture. But it was a hot chick and I''ve always had an eye for them. Not just an eye, a... wait, we''ll get to that. So there I was, looking at this chick, completely oblivious to the truck engine starting. And then the beep, beep, beep to warn that it was reversing. Actually I wasn''t completely oblivious to the beeps. When they started I held out two hands like I was grabbing her tits and honking them. Beep, beep... "Honk, honk¡­¡± I said. Then the tits hit my hands ¡ª they were just like I don¡¯t like them: hard, painted, and attached to several tons of steel. "What the... hey!" Yeah. They didn''t hear. No one heard. "Hey¡ª" I started but didn''t finish. The beer truck driver wasn''t very good at his job. He almost crashed straight into the wall. In fact, he would have crashed it into the wall if there wasn''t something in the way. Me. Life sucks. One minute you''re honking cartoon tits, and then the next minute you''re splat. I was completely crushed. Flattened. Bones broken in over thirty-two thousands places. Well, that might be a bit of an exaggeration, but it sure felt like that many ¡ª for the brief period before it all stopped, anyway. That was it. Game Over. Dead. The En... Just kidding. It was really the beginning. Everything faded to black and I was, like, switched off, for somewhere in the range of 1 second to a thousand years. I don''t know. I was out of it, dead as you might say. Then the words Game Over really did flash in front of me. Like, actual floating text surrounded by the blackness of The Void. (We''ll get to The Void later).This narrative has been purloined without the author''s approval. Report any appearances on Amazon. "Jamie?" said a voice. "What?" I projected. I didn''t have lungs, or a voice box, or vocal cords, or a mouth or anything else for that matter, but I could still project a voice, apparently. Don''t ask me how. Or, at least, don''t ask the old me because I couldn''t have told you. You could ask me now, and I could explain it, but the problem is you wouldn''t understand it. Not yet, anyway, but in the fullness of time, young cricket... "One more chance. Red pill or blue pill?" "Barry!?"I project-yelled in shock. "Yeah. Same deal as before. Red pill or blue pill." "Fuck off," in disbelief I continued, "No way!" "Are you absolutely sure? I mean, it will mean the end of your very existence." "Wait, wait, wait, wait. I didn''t mean any of that. Umm red pill." "Are you sure?" "Which one was which again?" Ten Years Earlier... I had met Barry about a decade previously, online. He was a nutcase. At least, that''s what I thought. We were playing a game, a real old school one. You probably wouldn''t know about it ¡ª too young, or not cool enough. (I''m using the opposite definition of cool by the way¡ª obviously) No, we were playing a MUD ¡ª that''s a Multi User Dungeon to you ¡ª called Threshold of the Gods. If you don''t know what a MUD is, it''s basically like World of Warcraft, except only with text. Literally, all text. No beastly graphics card required. Who needs to see a beautiful dragon soaring across your screen when you can read the text: > A DRAGON SWOOPS DOWN AND ATTACKS! That''s what our imaginations are for, right? Anyway, Barry aka Turnip (that was his character''s name) said to me one day, (by ''said'' I mean ''typed'', there was none of this mic stuff in the MUD), the following. And this is honest to God''s truth exactly how the conversation went down ¡ª I know because this isn''t memory, I copied and pasted this shit from my old logs just for your reading pleasure: Turnip > Jamie, imagine what it would be like if the real world was like this game. I didn''t have much to say to that because it was a stupid thing to say, and I can''t abide stupid. Turnip > Hello? BDJ> Hello Turnip. WTF are you chatting about? Turnip > What if I told you that the real world was like this game. That you could travel through it, level up, meet people from all over the world... BDJ>Can I cyber dark-elves? Turnip > No. BDJ>Well fuck off then. Turnip > No, listen. You can''t cyber dark elves because it wouldn''t be cyber it would be real, and there aren''t any real dark elves. BDJ> Huh. Can I cyber dusky maidens? Turnip > Not if you call them dusky maidens lol. And again, there''s no cyber in RL. BDJ> Lame Turnip > Shut up. Listen to me. I''ll give you a choice, and I''m only going to offer it once. BDJ> LOL Turnip > LISTEN FUCKNUT BDJ> OK OK OK Turnip > Red pill or blue pill. I''ll explain: BDJ> LOL, too much Matrix, buddy. Turnip > Shut up. That''s where we got it from. We thought YOU might understand better if we referenced something you know. BDJ> LOL Turnip > Red pill, you carry on with your sad little life, the highlight of which is cybering dusky maidens. BDJ> Nope. I CYBER dark elves. The dusky maidens is RL. Turnip> Christ. Blue pill, the shades are lifted from your eyes. BDJ> But I like my Wayfarers. Turnip > You''re insufferable. BDJ>SUFFER Turnip > I am, asshole. You know, I used to think you were cool. BDJ> I am cool. Cool as your mom. Turnip> She''s dead. BDJ> I know. COLD huh? I''m so cold I''m cool. Turnip> Fuck OFF. Anyway, blue pill, you get to play the Game of Life, for real. BDJ> The boardgame? Turnip > No, the tv show. BDJ> LOL Turnip > Kidding. I mean REALLY, Jamie. No joke now. BDJ> AFK Turnip > No, you''re not. BDJ>Alright, I''m not, but I''m not looking at this chat anymore, there''s a hot-ass dark-elf called Lisa who wants to cyber. Turnip> Lisa? The 17/f/Cali girl? BDJ> Fuck off. AFF¡¯nK. Turnip >"She''s" an obese 42 year old man from South Dakota. Turnip > Hello? Turnip > Are you there? CHAT CLOSED Chapter 02: Gimme a Pill and I’m (Re)Rollin’ So I took the metaphorical pill. "Alright. Now, we really play." "What, Barry?" "I mean. Right. Are you ready? You''ll get your scoresheet in a moment which you''ll be able to check at any time, and¡ª" "I don''t have a keyboard." "What?" "I don''t have any arms, or fingers, or hands, or eyes, or a fucking keyboard, Barry." "LOL." "Did you just say ¡®lohl¡¯? You said L-O-L as ¡®lohl¡¯?" "Yeah. LOLOLOL. Now listen up ¡ª" "That''s not how it''s pronounced, it''s ¡ª " "When I said ''listen up'' I also meant ''shut up''. Now fuck up, Jamie. You''ll be back in-game, I mean, back on Earth in a minute. And you won''t need a keyboard or any of that crap. Now, do you want to make any modifications to your avatar?" "Modifications? Like... what?" "You know, to your body. Taller, stronger, sexier..." "What can I change?" "Roll what you want, dude." "OK then. I want my right arm to be, like, a fucking laser. And¡ª " "A laser?" "Yeah. Like shooting laser beams and shit."This book''s true home is on another platform. Check it out there for the real experience. "Like the pointers you get on a keychain?" "Yeah but like a billion times stronger. And then my left arm, that''s gotta be, like, a katana. A razor sharp katana. No wait, a laser sharp katana with actual lasers on it. Yeah, that¡¯s it, a laser-sharp laser katana, a super-powerful laser gun, and like... a twenty inch dick." "Why not thirty inch?" "Good point. Thirty six inches of pleasure for the ladies. And ¡ª" "Let me stop you just there for a moment. I''m going to roll you out into the world real quick ¡ª" "Roll me out? I''m not ready. I also want to change my, you know... muscles. And race. And class. And¡ª" "Yeah. Right. Anyway, you''re going back in now. I''m putting you on an uninhabited island somewhere near Ascension." "Wait, what? No, no, no, I mean, I¡¯m not ready, and I want to ch¡ª" Everything went... ... ... ... bright. Because I''d appeared on a rocky, bird-shit covered, barren desert island that was too hot, too windy, and too¡ª "Fuuuuuuuck!" was what I said. That''s what happens when your three foot dick falls on top of a pile of bird shit. And then your right arm snaps in half because it has a giant fucking laser cannon attached to it. Turns out that lasers ¡®a billion times more powerful than a keychain laser¡¯ are freakin¡¯ heavy. And then, of course, I did the exact same thing you''d do if your right arm snapped off. I instinctively swung my left arm over so I could grab the painful bit with my hand. But I didn''t have a hand. Instead I had a stupid laser-sharp samurai-sword arm. Whoosh. Whee. Whip. Slice. Slap. Thud. "Fuuuuuuuuuuck!" was what I screamed. You would too if you chopped off your brand new three foot dick with your brand new samurai sword with laser-pointer attachments arm. I fell over onto the coral island. The sun burned into my eyes like a bitch with a laser and a javelin of fire (+8 fire damage). It took about... I''d say... eight minutes until I bled out. But I tell you, eight minutes on a bird-shit covered coral island in the middle of the South Atlantic is enough for a lifetime. Oh, and a three foot dick is really a bit too much of a good thing. Especially when it¡¯s chopped off, you¡¯re arcing blood all over your face, and a curious bird starts pecking at your meat. And replacing your arms with weapons? Well, there''s a reason most able-bodied people aren''t going around hacking off limbs to replace them with robotic attachments. Not yet, anyways. So that was how I died twice in one day. Once in the real world, and once again in what I came to know as the Real Real World. But that was only the freakin¡¯ beginning. Chapter 03: I Am the COCKMASTER! HEAR ME ROAR! "Well, I''ll tell you what, Barry," I told him, "I no longer think you''re full of shit." "Good. Now. Let''s re-roll you. And let''s not get so crazy on the stats. I''m giving you a few upgrades, but basically you''ll be like the old Jamie. You¡¯re going to have to level up the good old fashioned way from now one ¡ª completing quests and grinding." I would have frowned, but, once again, I was without a damn face. "Ok," I said, a little humbled and somewhat traumatised after the day¡¯s experiences, "before you do that, though, just one question..." "Yeah?" "What in the flaming fuck of all that is fucky is fucking going on? Am I dead? Is this a game? How... Why¡ª " "It''s... complicated," Barry didn''t explain, "don''t worry your pretty little head about it. All will be revealed in the fullness of ¡ª " "¡ª If I had hands I''d strangle you¡­¡± ¡°If you had hands you wouldn¡¯t be pseudo-dead. Now, off you fuck back in. You¡¯ve got some quests to complete." BOOM Whoah. I had a body again. And it didn''t have stupid arms or a stupid dick to mess me up. I found myself back at my place, the small little flat I called home. It had a living room, which was tastefully decorated in the contemporary styles of 1973, filled out with a mustard yellow sofa, a burgundy red-brown armchair, and yellow-stained ceilings. If you had to choose one word to describe the carpeting you might have gone with threadbare, or maybe stained, whereas someone else less eloquent might describe it as a fucking-ugly-forty-year-old-piece-of-crap, though that may be pushing the limits of ¡®one word¡¯. Turnip > Home sweet home? The words appeared as green text in front of my eyes, kind of floating the air. "How''d you do that?" Turnip > It''s the same mental process you use as when you''re sitting at your computer cybering with fat men in South Dakota. Experimentally I held my hands out in front of me and ''typed'' into the air. Big_D_J > Whoah. Cool. Turnip > Unlike you. BDJ > Piss off. The thing you need to know about me, is I''m funny, I''m smart, and I''m brutal. You probably saw already the way I typed to Turnip. I''m also pretty cool as you also guessed by now. Turnip > You''re an unreliable narrator. BDJ> What are you talking about? Turnip > Nevermind. Ready for your first mission? BDJ > Mission? Like, a quest? Turnip > LOL Turnip > If you like. BDJ > Sweet. And can I like... check my inventory? Turnip > Yeah. Look in your pockets. BDJ > LOL. What about my status? Turnip > Status: You''re a douche. BDJ > I meant stats! Typo! Turnip > You''re not even typing. You''re waving your fingers in the air like a fool. How the hell did you manage a typo when you¡¯re not even really typing? Moron. But yeah. Like this: >stats Name: Twat Level: 1 HP: 100/100 MP: 0/0 SP: 10/10 Attack: 5 Defense: 5 Intelligence: 5 Wisdom: 5 Charm: 5 Stealth: 5 ... BDJ> Ummm. Can I change my name? Turnip> What? You don''t like it? I chose that for you. BDJ > Yeah. I prefer to go by Big Dick Jamie. Turnip > I ded.If you come across this story on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it. BDJ> ??? Turnip > ¡°Big Dick Jamie¡± LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL!!!!1111one!1 BDJ> Fuck you. Turnip> Ok you can change it. But there''s a five character limit. BDJ> 5 characters? Wtf? Turnip > *5* You could go with just ''Dick''. That''d work. BDJ > Did I say ''fuck you'' yet? Because if not, I''m saying it now. Turnip > LOL After some experimentation I managed to ''input'' a new name for myself. I went for the boring option and just typed in Jamie because I couldn''t think of anything cool in only five characters. That, and since this ''game'' was apparently on planet Earth, a name like Big Dick Jamie would probably make me stand out a little too much. Oh yeah, I was not impressed with my stats yet. Not at all. ¡®5¡¯ was some bullshit. Surely at least my charm should have been 50, right? You like me don¡¯t you? (If you said ¡®no¡¯, then this is for you: DOUCHE) BDJ > Anything cool I should know? And what''s my first quest? Turnip > Cool? By definition anything you know is no longer cool. BDJ > F-- *You have been muted* Turnip > Now, you have a few new abilities that the NPCs don''t have. For example, you can see people''s stats just by looking at them. You can also see their names ¡ª they should be floating just above their heads. BDJ > *You have been muted* Turnip > Alright, noob. I''ve got a three part quest for you. You''ll get to learn a bit about the game mechanics and get some experience. Part 1 is this: You have to go to the rustic inn "The Collywobbler" and meet the thug Schizo. He will give you a package and an address to deliver it to. Oh yeah, watch out for Brinksy the Shadow. BDJ > *You have been muted* Turnip > You''ll get Part 2 of the quest when the first part has successfully been completed. This is a branching tree quest, so depending on how you play, things can turn out differently. Any questions? BDJ > *You have been muted* Turnip > No? Really??? I''d expect an idiot like you to have tons of questions. BDJ > *You have been muted* Turnip > Guess you''ve grown a brain. Good to see it. Now, off you trot. I''ve got a hot Cali girl to go see. If you need anything send me a message. Later, loser. BDJ > *You have been muted* I slammed my hands down by my side in disgust and annoyance. What right did he have have to mute me? And when was I going to learn how to mute people? Wait, fuck that. Mute people? No, when was I going to learn to cast some goddamn fireballs and get to melee against a dozen warriors at once. That was the shit I wanted. > Inv You have: Nothing of interest. Gold: 8.50 Hmm. Well, that sucked. He could have at least given me a wooden sword or something. Though... come to think of it... maybe walking around Croydon with a wooden sword might attract the wrong sort of attention; make me look a bit dorky or something. With a little experimentation I pulled up my Quest List: >quest Active Quest: Part 1) * Meet Schizo at the Collywobbler and collect package. * Deliver package to ??? Part 2) ??? Part 3) ??? Wow. So informative. NOT. I let out a sigh and sat down on my sofa. I would need a cup of tea before I started all this, I figured. And surely it would give me a +1 to my intelligence. I sighed again, getting up and going to the kitchen. I''d need to get myself a serving wench soon ¡ª making cups of tea wasn''t exactly what Big Dick Jamie the Super Warrior / Mage / Monk / Sorcerer / Barbarian / Mystic / Ninja should be doing. Of course, I wasn''t technically all of those things yet. I was still just an underemployed university graduate desperately hoping to get a grip on the bottom rung of the career ladder. And possibly dead. Someone less intelligent than me probably would have stormed out the flat immediately to go find Schizo in The Collywobbler, the roughest pub in town, but I needed to get a few things straight in my mind first. Sipping the tea out of my giant Sports Direct mug I tried to figure out what I knew: - I died, then I came back to life. In a game. Or possibly the real world dressed up as a game. - The guy I used to play Threshold of the Gods with, Barry, was now... helping me? Guiding me? Pissing me the hell off? - The world is a game. Was it always a game? IS it a game? Was this a copy of the world I was on before I died? Is it the same world and I just didn''t know I was in a game before? Was I an NPC before? My brilliant thoughts and deductions were rudely interrupted by the ringing of the telephone affixed to the kitchen wall. I picked the sticky handset up, and, as I did every time, promised myself I¡¯d wipe it down as soon as the call was over. ¡°Hello?¡± I answered. ¡°Jamie? It¡¯s Stuart here, remember me?¡± Stuart was the chief-cunt aka boss at the marketing agency I was temping at. When he asked if I remembered him it was in a tone laced with sarcasm of the nastiness kind. ¡°Stuart? Stuart who?¡± I asked, and then held the phone out at arm¡¯s length. Despite the distance from my ear the range and venom of the expletives that burst from it was barely diminished. I took another big gulp of tea while he carried on like a loon. ¡°Hello? Stuart, are you still there?¡± I said when he finally paused for breath. ¡°I¡¯m not coming in today¡± ¡°What in the everloving fuck of all that is fucky do you mean you little shit?¡± ¡°Yeah, I¡¯m feeling a bit¡­ bleh.¡± ¡°You fucking what?¡± ¡°I¡¯m not feeling it today, Stuart. I¡¯m going to the pub instead. See ya.¡± I held out the phone again for another few seconds and basked in the warm glow of his fiery swearing before I began to actually grow scared that he might burst through the phone and throttle me. Though I had suffered worse deaths that day already, I wasn¡¯t quite ready for it to happen again yet. After hanging up I carried my small-bucket sized mug of Yorkshire Gold and took it to the bedroom and stared at myself in the mirror. I didn''t look any different to how I did before ¡ª the same old average twenty-something British guy suffering from the national ailment of misery that we all have from the age of about eleven until we become rich or dead. But I wasn¡¯t the same old me, was I? I was now a PC in the Real Real World and I had access to information and the chance to gain abilities that I never could have in my old life. In a way, I had already leveled up, hadn¡¯t I? And this was only the beginning. A new beginning. "Listen up, fuckhead!" I said to myself in the mirror, my language perhaps inspired by Stuart¡¯s. "Who? Me?" I answered "Yeah! This is it! This is the best thing that''s ever happened to you! Now go out and complete your mission, you level 1 newb!" "I''M A FUCKING TIGER BEASTMASTER WARRIOR PRICK! YEAH!" In my enthusiasm I sloshed some of my tea onto the carpet and ¡ª get this ¡ª I didn''t even bother to try and soak it up with some kitchen towel. I was in fuckin badass mode now. ¡°YEAH! YOU SPILL THAT TEA, COCKMASTER!¡± I slammed the tea down on the bedside table and then started to swing my fists and shadowboxed in front of the mirror. ¡°TIME TO SLAY SOME BEASTS AND CYBER SOME BITCHES.¡± I did a kick and nearly fell over. ¡°GRAB THE HONIES AND TAKE THE MONIES! LET¡¯S ROLL!¡± I slapped myself across the face as a final builder-upper. ¡°ROAAAAAAAR!¡± Grabbing up my mug again, I bolted down the rest of the tea without even stopping for a biscuit and headed out the front door of my flat. Sweat beaded on my head and I felt like a million gold as I stormed out to conquer the world. Chapter 04: One Glass of Warm Tap Water Please, Good Sir "Are you having a party?" came a sultry voice as I slammed the door behind me. I blinked and shook my head. What was this shit? I still have to interact with the other humans? Or, NPCs, as they were now. I glanced at the direction of the voice and decided I didn''t mind interacting with this NPC. She could N my PC any time she wanted hahahahaha. Turnip > That doesn¡¯t even make sense. BDJ > FU It was Mandy. The Girl Next Next Next Door (that means she lived three doors down). She was a young yoga instructor and massage therapist and the subject of the fantasies of every dirty pervert who went to her classes or lived in this building. At least, I assume she was. She was also the occasional subject of my fantasies, but that was different. Obviously. "Eh? Party? What?" Goodness, I got flustered even around NPCs. I¡¯d have to work on my charm, I thought. "Yeah I heard the shouting and thought it sounded fun," she said with a smile, flicking her black hair over her shoulder. I pulled out my phone and checked the time. It was 11 .a.m. on a Wednesday morning. "Err, no. No party. It was... the radio," I lied, because sometimes you have to protect people from the truth, dammit! "Wow!" said Mandy and touched my upper arm, squeezing it with her firm fingers. Did she think I was muscular? Although I didn''t work out, I had done a bunch of pushups the previous Friday after watching Rocky again. I gave her an encouraging smile. Touch me all you want, baby. She was running her eyes up and down me, appraisingly. I took the opportunity to do the same to her. She was equipped with a tight sports top that amplified her rack (+a million to whew factor), but left her flat stomach bare, and yoga pants that hugged the curves of her ass in ways that I had only dreamed about. And this chick was staring at me. "Your aura! It''s really violet today!" Wait, what? "Thank you," I said, because what else do you say to that? I couldn''t see any aura around me and I hadn''t even cast a protection spell or anything. In fact, I didn''t even know how to cast an aura of protection or whatever the hell they were called in the ''real world''. "Where are you going?" she asked. Ooh. Maybe she was one of those NPCs that help you out! "I''m going to the pub to collect something from someone. Do you want to come?" "Which pub?" she asked. "The Collywobbler," I told her. She wrinkled her nose like a kitten. "The Collywobbler? I''ve always been too scared to go in there." I let out a laugh like the very notion of being too scared to go in there was absurd for a tough guy like me. This was precisely and completely antipodean to the truth. "I''ll look after you," I said magnanimously. She let out a giggle. "Well, okay then." Before I knew what was happening she slipped her arm under mine and, arms interlocked, we walked past the broken elevator and then down the not-too-broken stairs. On the way over Mandy pointed out the different auras of all the people we passed ¡ª all completely invisible to me. I was 95% certain she was full of crap, but this was the first date I''d been on since university and I was more than willing to listen to crap for, oh... I''d say thirty or forty years if it was coming from a pretty girl. "Look, his one is shiny," she said, pointing with her whole arm extended toward a man in a business suit whose face was adorned with a particularly twattish beard. The man cocked his head and raised his eyebrows at me. Apparently he wasn''t used to being pointed at by an Adventurer''s strange hippie traveling companion. I shook my head in an it''s nothing gesture and hurried her into the Collywobbler. I held the door open and let her go in first, and it wasn''t just so that I could check that her ass was still ridiculous. And it certainly wasn''t so that I could gently place my hand on her back as if to guide her in and feel the warmth radiating out from under her spandex top. And it definitely wasn''t because I was just as scared to go in there as her. It was, of course, because I was a gentleman, and a gentleman always lets ladies go first. Okay, okay, okay... maybe it was a little from columns A, B, C and D. The Collywobbler was the kind of place that people who enjoy getting stabbed in the face frequent. And those who enjoy doing the stabbing too, of course. It was also popular among the I-love-getting-glassed crowd as well as the Pool-sticks-are-for-beating-people groups. Oh, and the Britain First white supremacists were also regulars. Quite an eclectic mix of people, really. We made our way over to the bar. There were three gentlemen ¡ª gentlemen! Ha! ¡ª already sitting at one end of it, all of them with shiny, bald, tattooed heads and pristine white England football shirts. When Mandy started making her way over to them I gently placed a couple of fingers on the side of her waist and gently guided her to the other end of the bar. "So do you come here often?" asked Mandy after we''d sat down. "Umm. Not often," I said. For once I was telling her the truth. "It''s got bags of character, doesn''t it?" she said, looking around with shiny wide eyes. "Oh, yes. It''s a quirky little place isn''t it?" A barman who was probably about forty but could have passed for a rough sixty walked up in front of us and crossed his arms in front of his chest. Then he stared at me. No raised eyebrow, no lift of the chin, no ¡®what can I get you?¡¯. He just stared. I turned to Mandy. "What can I get you?" I asked, because the barman clearly wouldn¡¯t. "Ooh I always have a double vodka Red Bull in the pub." I glanced at the time on my phone again. It was still before midday, which was unsurprising since it was only a few minutes since I''d last checked when I met Mandy in the hallway of our flat. "Right. A double vodka red bull, and¡ª" > Inv You have: Nothing of interest. Gold: 8.50 "¡ª how much is that?" The barman lowered his head and raised his eyebrows. "Eight fifty, love." Love!? Did he just call me love? I''m a man! A hero! An adventurer! A warrior! >stat Name: Jamie Level: 1 HP: 100/100 MP: 0/0 SP: 10/10 Attack: 5 Defense: 5 Intelligence: 5 Wisdom: 5 Strength: 5 Charm: 5 Hmm. Yeah. I guessed I probably wouldn''t be winning any fights with this guy. Not until I leveled up a bit. A lot. "Ok, right. A double vodka and red bull, and a, umm, glass of water please." "Mineral?" I shook my head. "Tap," I said, and turned to Mandy, "tap water is just as good as bottled water you know." "Oh it''s much better, no plastic." "Right. Yes. That''s what I mean. Better." While I was speaking I was nodding my head seriously, as if this was a topic I deeply cared about it. Chicks dig it when you pretend to share their interests. "Plastic has a terrible aura," she said, tapping her acrylic nails on the bar counter. He prepared the mixed drink for Mandy first, placing it in front of her and generously giving her three ice cubes and a straw as well as the vodka and Redbull.This story has been unlawfully obtained without the author''s consent. Report any appearances on Amazon. "Thanks!" she said to the barman. Then she turned and squeezed my forearm. "And thank you!" "My pleasure," I said. The barman grabbed a half-pint glass, held it in the sink, turned on the tap, and filled the glass three quarters full before slapping it down on the counter. Some of the water sloshed out onto the bar top. The landlord made no attempt to wipe it up. I handed the barman the 8.50 I had with carefully hidden regret. "Cheers!" said Mandy, raising her glass. "Cheers!" I said tapping our glasses together. "Wanker," said the barman, shaking his head and wandering off back down the other end of the bar. I took a sip and tried to force a smile. The barman had not run the water before filling up my glass and it was warm. Not a nice, comforting warm. More the sickly, off putting warm of someone else¡¯s spit. "You are a good boy, aren''t you," said Mandy squeezing my arm again. Boy!? I¡¯m a man baby. That¡¯s what I was thinking, anyway. But I wasn¡¯t quite man enough to say it. "Err..." "Look at me!¡± she announced self-deprecatingly, ¡°On the vodka red bull and you''re on the water. Very admirable." Admirable? I don''t think I''d ever been called that before. I should try being skint more often, I thought. "Thank you. I''m trying to, umm, improve myself at the moment." I checked my stat sheet again >stat Name: Jamie Level: 1 HP: 100/100 MP: 0/0 SP: 10/10 Attack: 5 Defense: 5 Intelligence: 5 Wisdom: 5 Strength: 5 Charm: 5 I really did want to level up. And my stats were crap at the moment. They really were. It was kind of depressing to see my life reduced to a stat sheet in fact, thought I did at least now know that I could improve it. Seeing a physical representation of yourself like that was, in a way, a motivator. So although I got the tap water because I had no money, I kind of did want to improve myself, I realized. "Do you do any exercise?" she asked. "I, uh, umm," I stalled, and stalled, and stalled, "I''m thinking of starting a new protocol. Any suggestions?" She grabbed both my hands and looked into my eyes. I felt my cheeks begin to flush. I hadn''t had a girl do that in a long time. Her eyes were green, I noticed. I suppose in the past I only ever saw her from a distance in the building hallway, and mostly I noticed the delicious shape of her ass and the perkiness of her chesticles. I hadn''t had the chance to really look into her eyes. "Yoga. You need to do yoga. I can see the tension in your shoulders, and your neck. You work too hard, Jamie, I can tell." Turnip > Work too hard. Fuckin'' LOL. I went to type something but all I got was: *You have been muted* She laughed like I''d made a joke. ¡°Do a lot of typing, huh?¡± She saw me typing! Was she supposed to react to that? Well, whatever. She thought it was a joke so I played it cool. ¡°Oh, yeah.¡± ¡°Can you put your ankles behind your neck, Jamie?¡± she said, reaching out and squeezing my shoulders with iron-like fingers that both hurt and felt like the best thing since my cup of tea earlier. ¡°Umm, can¡¯t say I¡¯ve tried.¡± "You probably can¡¯t, can you? I can put my ankles right behind my neck. It¡¯s easy for me.¡± I thought about putting her ankles behind her neck. Thought about it very, very hard. She punched me on the shoulder. Shit! ¡°You¡¯re so serious!¡± Whew. She wasn¡¯t reading my mind. ¡°You should definitely do some yoga, Jamie. Flexibility brings all kinds of benefits." "Oh?" I said, and took another sip of my warm tap water which I immediately regretted. The glass was greasy, I realized. "Oh yes. It''s great for your sex life too," she squeezed my shoulder again and giggled, "not that I''ve got much of a sex life right now." "Ha ha! You''re kidding!" I said quickly, trying to be cool. "I bet you have sex all the time!" She frowned and removed her hand from my shoulder. "Do I seem slutty, Jamie?" "Oh! No! That''s not what I meant. I guess I was just saying you were¡ª" "A nympho?" "Umm beautiful. I meant to say that you''re beautiful, and so you could, you know..." "Have sex with whoever I wanted?" she said. "I, err," I said. I wasn''t used to talking to girls who were so open about things. I also wasn''t used to talking to girls who were closed about things either. Ok, ok, I basically wasn''t used to talking to girls. Sue me. She reached out and squeezed my hand. ¡°I¡¯m just teasing you. I know what you mean. Who are you here to meet, anyway?" "Oh. I''m just collecting something, from someone. I don''t really know them. I should do that now, shouldn¡¯t I? Yes." Embarassed by my pisspoor banter with Mandy, I stood up and made my escape by walking to the other end of the bar with the three rough looking bald gentlemen and the bartender. I cleared my throat politely to get their attention. They ignored me. "Umm, excuse me?" I said to the group of them. The only one who paid me any attention was the barman. "More water? If you''re not going to buy anything else you can fuck off," said the barman. The three skinheads clinked their glasses together while the barman smirked. "I did buy something,¡± I justifiably complained. The skinhead closest turned to me. Since they were all wearing England shirts and they all had shaved heads and they were all slightly overweight they could have passed for brothers. The only way I could tell them apart was by their tattoos. This chap had a particularly scary looking double dragon tattoo across his otherwise smooth head, the two dragon heads meeting right in the center of his shiny dome. It was the kind of tattoo that would be awesome on, like, a Barbarian Raider or a Viking Marauder or even just a good old fashioned Warrior, but on the streets of Croydon it was just a little... much for me. I checked my stats again: >stat Yeah. I probably wouldn''t beat this guy in a fight. "The lady got a drink. You didn''t. Why don''t you fuck off and leave her for us." The skinhead¡¯s companions mumbled and swore in agreement. The barman slammed his palms down on the counter. "Oi. This is my gaff. I get first dibs." "Why don''t we all have a go?" said Double-dragon. I''d had enough of that conversation. I didn''t need to listen to NPCs talking shite. If I was a few levels higher, and if I had a Mace of Face Smashing I would have attacked them all. But I was still too much of a newb to have a chance of beating these four ruffians. "I''m sure you''re all very charming. I''ll be off soon, don''t worry. Now, I was wondering, do any of you know a guy called Schizo? I''m looking for him." Four pairs of eyebrows raised themselves in incredulity, skepticism, astonishment and wariness in turn. "Why do you want to see Schizo?" asked the barman. Before I could respond I felt a welcoming sensation. Mandy had slipped behind me and put her hands back on my shoulders. Her fingers began to dig in. "Ooh, that''s nice," I said and let out a moan. "I said, ''Why do you want to talk to Schizo?''. You best answer." Mandy''s fingers dug into my shoulders again releasing a bit of tension I didn''t even know I had it was so deep inside my knotted shoulder-muscles. I gasped. "Just a minute, this is..." I let out an appreciative moan. "lovely." Mandy slipped her fingers around my throat and began to squeeze. It was a new massage technique to me, one I hadn''t tried before. The barman stared at me with a bemused look on his face. He''d probably never seen a girl like Mandy being quite so flirty with a guy like me. I took a quick glance around the bar to make sure everyone else noticed the attention I was getting ¡ª I''d never had a hot chick be so in to me before and I was going to soak up the jealous stares and envious glances of every man there. I put my hands up and gently ran them over Mandy''s hairy fingers. When my head turned to the right, Mandy squeezed my throat really fucking hard. And, at the same time, I saw her still sitting at the end of the bar, her luscious lips still wrapped around the straw in her drink. >Combat Engaged! The words flashed in front of my dimming vision. It wasn''t Mandy massaging me. "Argh!" I yelped and snatched my hands away from the man whose hands around my throat. "Ughhmmgm," I said as I was choked. I put my hands back up to my throat and this time tried to pull the ''massage'' hands away. But they were locked tight like a vice. This guy must have an insane strength stat, I thought. I began to see stars while the other four men looked on. I put out my hands and typed a message. >*You have been muted.* Fuck. And... Something else¡­ came to me. Hadn''t Barry said I was supposed to see the names of the NPCs? And their stats? I''m sure he said that just before I met Mandy. What was going on... For what seemed like the millionth time, but was in fact only the third time that day, everything went black for me. But only for a moment. *Smash* The fingers disappeared from around my throat, my vision came back, and I span around. Mandy was behind me. At least, she was now. And on the floor was the man with the hands. Well, obviously most men have hands, but this was the man with the hands that had been wrapped around my throat just a few moments before. Special hands, if you will. Around his head, like a beautiful crystal halo, were the shards of the glass that Mandy had smashed into his head. A few of them were buried in his skull too, sticking out like little sharp thorns, surrounded by little dots and rivulets of blood. >You have defeated Schizo >You gain 30 exp >Level Up "Are you okay?" asked Mandy. "What? Me? Oh yes, I''m fine," I said, "we were just messing around." She tilted her head skeptically, but then shrugged her shoulders and giggled. I''m not saying that that was the wrong response to give when standing over an unconscious thug ten times your size after smashing his head in with a glass, but it was a rather surprising one. I''d usually expect tears, or perhaps running ¡ª not standing and giggling. "Uhoh," I said. "What''d you do that to Schizo for? He was only messing around," said Double Dragon. "Yeah, just fooling. You''re nasty," said the bartender. "I try to run a nice, friendly establishment ¡ª have a bit of banter, you know," he said staring at me to indicate that the way he''d been acting toward me before had been mere banter, not the cuntishness that I had taken it as. "Uhoh," I said again. Schizo had opened his eyes. You can tell a lot about a person by looking into their eyes, so I looked deep into his. He had vicious little piggy eyes, so round and dark I thought that if I dropped a peanut into one of them it''d just sink into their black oblivion. "Right!" said Schizo, loudly and firmly and, above all, terrifyingly. He slowly sat up. I slowly stepped back, crashing into the bar. "You alright, Schizo?" asked Double Dragon. He didn''t answer right away. He stood up, brushed the glass and blood off of his head and looked at me. Then he turned, and looked at Mandy who had a hand over her face to suppress the giggling she still hadn''t got under control. He turned back to face me, shook his head from side to side, then raised his arm... ...swung it... ... ... ... and clasped me on the shoulder. "Nice teamwork, son." I blinked and stared at him. "And nice bit of totty you got there," he said, waving his other hand to the still giggling Mandy. Excellent, I thought. Excellent indeed. Turnip > WTF are you doing? > *You have been muted* Turnip > Hello? HELLLO!? > *You have been muted* "What the fuck do you keep doing with your hands?" asked Schizo. "Oh. Nothing. Just..." I waved my hands in the air as if to make the question disappear. I couldn¡¯t exactly explain to a thug like Schizo that I was communicating with my friend Barry aka Turnip via an invisible and imaginary keyboard. "He''s thinking about work. He''s a workaholic," explained Mandy, entirely incorrectly. Turnip > You were muted you idiot! You should have said something. I didn''t reply because, well, apparently all of of the NPCs were reacting to my typing and none of them seemed to like it much. Turnip > There was a mixup before. You weren''t set up right. You should have said something when you didn''t see Mandy''s stats, numbnuts. Lucky Schizo didn''t kill you. It would have been for real LOL. "Motherfucker!" I said. Schizo held up his hands. "Whoah, whoah, calm down." "Not you," I said. "Sorry!" yelped Mandy. "Not you either! I just.. remembered something. Anyway, Schizo is it? Nice to meet you. I''m Jamie. I''m here to collect something from you?" "Thought so. That''s why I was messing with you before. Is it alright if we go in the back, Hammer?" asked Schizo. The bartender nodded his assent. Hammer? What a name. I briefly considered asking how he got it, but I could probably guess. "Is that your real name?" asked Mandy. The men all laughed. I fake-laughed along with them to fit in. The laughter ended when Hammer reached under the bar and came out holding a chicken. Just fucking with you. He was holding a large claw hammer. Turnip > Check it! There was a slight flickering and suddenly everything became more vibrant. Floating above Hammer and the rest I could see their names, their levels and their HP. Hammer and the three customers who were sitting at the bar were Level 10 with 200 HP. Schizo was Level 18 and had 280HP. "Well, I think Hammer is an adorable name," said Mandy and gave a flirtatious smile. I took her arm. "Come on, let''s go." And so, it came to pass, that Mandy, Schizo and I went into the backroom of The Collywobbler and lived happily ever after. Just kidding. What actually happened, was... Chapter 05: The Three Moronteers Schizo led the way and Mandy and I followed just behind into the function room attached to the main bar. I wasn''t sure what kind of functions would actually be held at The Collywobbler ¡ª who would want to have a special occasion there? But nonetheless, the room existed and was functionally decorated with old wallpaper and furniture that managed to combine the aesthetics of the 1980s while simultaneously looking much older than anything from the 80s could. There was one exception in this room. One, otherwise bright spot. Something that had more of a 1990s vibe than the 80s or earlier. Something about 5''5", most of which was legs and ass and pert breasts. Kerry Level 1 HP 100/100 "Oh my God!" screamed Mandy. "Oh my God!" screamed the girl labelled Kerry. Schizo and I gave each other bemused glances. "You two know each other I asked?" Mandy shook her head. Kerry shook hers too. "Her aura is wonderful!" said Mandy. "And so is yours!" exclaimed Kerry. The two women ran to each other and hugged and gave each other a kiss on the cheek. While I was blinking I thought I saw Mandy squeeze Kerry''s ass, but that must have been my imagination. Things like that don''t happen in real life. But maybe they did in this version... "So, where''s the package?" I asked Schizo. "There. She''s the package." "Oh. Right. Great. Lovely bit of package, that. And the, umm, delivery address?" Schizo tilted his head at me in confusion. He looked me up and down, grabbed me by the upper arm and hauled me away from the girls. "What''re you playing at?" he asked me. "Ummm," I responded because I really wasn''t sure what the correct answer to his question was. "You knew about the package. So why you acting like you don''t know what to do with her." BDJ > Little help? Turnip > Oh yeah. "Stop doing that with your hands you numpty." > Quest Part 1 Complete! > You earned a wooden sword and 10 gold. > You gained 10 exp. > Level Up! >stat Level: 3 HP: 120/120 MP: 0/0 SP: 12/12 Attack: 7 Defense: 7 Intelligence: 7 Wisdom: 7 Strength: 7 Charm: 7 A wooden sword appeared tucked into my belt, and I felt my wallet grow ever so slightly thicker with the addition of a ten pound note. Okay, the last one isn''t true ¡ª I''d need way higher agility before I''d be sensitive enough to feel something like that ¡ª but the other two parts were true. BDJ >...? My fingering was subtle enough that Schizo didn''t notice to take offense. "Well!?" said Schizo again. Turnip > Oh yeah. Part 2 of the quest is you have to take her on a boat. BDJ > Turnip > And throw her off. Drown her. Kill her. Shark bait. Fish food. Swim with all the other bodies Schizo¡¯s had chucked into the sea. "Err, I mean. You sure you want... you know, the boat thing? What about, umm, having her get run over by a beer truck?" He cocked his head at me again. His piggy eyes began to flash with hints of Wild Boar about to be unleashed. "What?" "Err. Right. Sorry. Just asking. We''ll do the boat thing. No problem." "You sure you''ve got the bottle for this?" I nodded. "Loads of bottle. Wasn''t scared of you, was I?" I asked. He shook his head. "No. But that''s only because you''re too dumb, isn''t it?" Turnip > LOL. He''s got like 1 int. and he''s wittier than you. BDJ > No fuckin wa¡ª "Ow!" I yelled as Schizo grabbed my hands which had of course been typing again in front of him. "I''m going to snap these off. All ten of ''em. One, two, three... and so on, if you do that stupid crap with your hands again." Turnip > LOL LOL LOL "Sorry," I said meekly. But when I''ve leveled up a few times I''m going to come back and chop off all your fingers you dumb thug. "What the fuck was that?"The story has been taken without consent; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident. "I didn''t say anything!" "Yeah, well, you best not." Turnip > LOL. He''s got psychic ability but it''s pretty weak. I muttered under my breath. This game kind of sucked. "The fuck is that?" said Schizo, jabbing a meaty hand at my waist where my wooden sword was affixed. "Wooden sword. +5 damage," I told him. "You are one strange fucking dude. Guess that''s why you can do what you do. Now," he said, pulling an envelope out of his pocket, "here''s the key and the address of the dockyard. The boat''s called the Slippery Nipple and if you so much as scratch it I''ll rip out two of your ribs¡ª" "Just two?" I interrupted, unwisely. "¡ªtwo of your ribs and jam them into your eyes and then pull out your eyes so you''re holding eyeball fucking lollipops and then I''ll shove one down your throat and one up your jacksie so you can see how much of a fucking idiot you are. Alright?" Turnip > Pretty creative for 1 int, isn¡¯t he? BDJ > ! "Alright," I said. "You need a hand with her? Want me to knock her out?" he asked, waving a fist. I looked at Kerry. She and Mandy had their hands interlocked and were staring into each others eyes, both talking at about a million miles an hour about yoga moves or astrology auras or vegan dance or something. "Nah," I said cockily, "my woman''s charming her to follow." "You are a Grade A fucking weirdo. Now I''m going to get a pint of Carling and I want her out of here before I finish my beer." I nodded and watched as Schizo left the room, making sure he was gone. With a sigh I walked over to the girls, both of whom unclasped one hand from each other and interlocked it with one of mine, turning us into a little circle of three. It¡¯s nice, holding hands with a girl you¡¯re supposed to kill. Wait, that came out wrong. It¡¯s nice, holding hands with a girl. That¡¯s better. "I''m Kerry," said Kerry. "I know," I told her, "it''s floating above your head." The two girls both gasped and turned to each other. "I told you he was special," said Mandy, "but he can''t see auras though." "You can''t see auras?" asked Kerry as if it was the most unbelievable thing she''d ever heard. "Nope. No auras. Not yet, anyway. But I can see your name and your HP and your¡ª" "I don''t have a printer," said Kerry, "I don''t believe in technology," she clarified. "Oh yay! That is awesome!" said Mandy. "Wait, what? You don''t... believe in technology?" I said. "Yeah, you see¡ª" said Kerry, bouncing up and down on the balls of her feet like she was just bursting to explain. "Wait," I interrupted, "we don''t have time for that just now. We''ve got a serious situation. We''ve got to get out of here." "Where shall we go?" asked Kerry. "Well, Schizo wants me to take you on a boat an¡ª" "Oh wow!" interrupted Kerry, her exclamation swiftly followed by her jumping into the air and clapping her hands together. When she landed back on Planet Earth (or whatever approximation of it we were on) she finished her exclamation, "I lurrrrrve water." ¡°Uhhuh,¡± I muttered, not quite wanting to dampen her enthusiasm just yet by telling her that she was supposed to get damp¡­ permanently. "Oh, oh, oh, so do I," said Mandy, "water is so spiritual isn''t it? My dream is to go to the ocean and see the sea..." I shook my head again to clear it. It was one unbelievable thing after another. "What? Your dream? You''ve never been to the sea?" I asked her. "You''ve got to go!" exclaimed Kerry excitedly. ¡°Well I always wanted to, but the ocean is just so far away¡­¡± she said whistfully. ¡°It¡¯s like an hour by train, if that,¡± I told her. ¡°Really?¡± she said, her eyes lighting up. "And, I''ve got the keys to a boat..." I said. "We''re going!" said Kerry, with another excited jump and clap. "To the sea! To the boat! To the ocean!" Time was already ticking so I didn''t take the time to explain that I was supposed to kill Kerry once we got onto the boat. Schizo didn''t strike me as the type to slowly sip and savor his beer, especially if it was his first one of the day which seemed likely. "Come on," I said, pulling the girls each by a hand. We walked out through The Collywobbler. "Later, boys!" I yelled to Hammer, Schizo, Double Dragon and the other two as-yet nameless skinheads. ¡°Goodbye and godspeed, valiant warrior! Tame, claim and cyber those busty dusky maidens!¡± is what they may have yelled after me, but the way the wind was blowing it came out sounding like ¡®Prick! Weird that. Turnip > Kerry isn¡¯t dusky, she¡¯s a blonde. BDJ > Whatevs. She¡¯s dusky on the inside. Turnip > Eww. Actually, she¡¯s bloody on the inside. BDJ > F¡­ U ¡­. C ¡­ K ¡­ O ¡­ F ¡­. F Outside I opened the envelope and pulled out the paper with the address. The boat was docked in Christchurch on the South coast. BDJ > Can we fast travel down there? "Ooh, I bet he''s good with his fingers, isn''t he?" said Kerry to Mandy. "I don''t know... yet." said Mandy, giggling. The girls clutched at each other in mirth. Turnip > Ooh, you really going to kill her? BDJ > Ummmmmm. >Quests >Current Quests: > 1) Meet Schizo and collect package. > 2) Deliver package to ocean. > 3) ??? "Umm, Kerry?" I said. "Yes, sir?" she answered brightly. "Err, you can call me Jamie." "Great. Are we going to the boat now?" "Yeah. In a minute. But umm, what''s the deal with you and Schizo?" "Why? What did he say about me?" "Ummm. You know he wants me to kill you, right?" Kerry''s cheeks went pale. She raised two hands to her cheeks and clasped them like a poor actress pretending to be shocked. "Kuh... kuh... kill me?" she asked. Mandy slapped me across the face. "You''re going to kill my best friend?" she demanded, stamping her foot indignantly. "What? You only just met her!" I said. This probably wasn¡¯t the best response. "Were you not listening? Her aura is ah-MAZE-ing. I can''t believe you''re going to kill her. And to think, I was going to sleep with you!" "Yeah! Me too. But not if you''re going to kill me, asshole!" said Kerry, apparently at least mildly perturbed by her impending doom. "Wait, wait, wait," I said holding up a hand. "I guess he could kill you, then have sex with you," said Mandy with a frown. "What!?" I said. "Do you want to have sex with my dead body, Jamie? Is that it?" said Kerry, tears welling in the corners of her pretty blue eyes. Turnip > You should dump some points into charm. BDJ > I don''t have any unassigned points! "Stop it!" said Mandy and gave me another slap across the face. "Stop teasing us like that!" she said, waving her hands in front of her in a mockery of my air-typing. Turnip > LOL. I''ll show you later. Your companion is getting frisky. And so is the package. "Argh! Shut up. All of you!" The two girls both crossed their arms over their chests and gave me death glares. Folding their arms under their breasts had the effect of raising and drawing attention to them, which I completely 100% didn''t notice, honest. "Will you kill me too, if I don''t shut up?" said Mandy, with a sob. "I''m not killing either of you!" "You''re not?" asked Kerry. "Are you going to save me?" > QUEST UNLOCKED: Do not allow Kerry to die. >Quests >Current Quests: > 1) Meet Schizo and collect package. (COMPLETE) > 2) Deliver package to ocean. (IN PROGRESS) > 3) Do not allow companion Kerry to die. Great. Conflicting quests. Good job Turnip, I thought. But I didn¡¯t have time to bicker with him then. I had some real NPCs to handle. "Yeah. Sure,¡± I told Kerry, ¡°I''m going to save you. I''m your knight in shining armor and I''m going to protect you." "With that?" asked Mandy, kicking at my wooden sword with a foot. I muttered. "I''ll get something better soon." "Can we still go on the boat?" asked Kerry. "I do still want to see the ocean," said Mandy. "Fine. Yes. We''ll do that and figure out a plan." BDJ > How do I fast travel? Turnip > Why don''t you use a portal? BDJ > Where? Turnip > WTF? You spent more than twenty years there and you didn''t even learn where the portals are? BDJ > WTF? There were portals? Turnip > In your building! Go to the basement. The door that says No Entry. There¡¯s a portal in there. It¡¯ll take you right there. BDJ > I never went in there before! Turnip > Obviously. No sense of adventure. BDJ > It had a "Danger of Death" sign! Turnip > You already died twice today. And nearly died again. And that one was almost for real LOL BDJ> FU "I like your dancing," said Kerry, stroking my wrist admiringly, greatly impressed by my the touch typing I was doing on my imaginary keyboard. "It''s not dancing. I''m communicating," I explained. Kerry gave me a deep, deep smile. Mandy nodded at me seriously. "I didn''t know you were the type, Jamie," she said, stroking my other wrist. "Eh? Type?" "I didn''t think you would be the kind of person to understand that dance is truly human beings¡¯ natural form of communication." "Err, more so than speaking?" I asked. The two girls both nodded and squeezed one of my wrists each. Turnip > LOL. Nice party you''re putting together. The three Moronteers. BDJ > Is that supposed to be a play on the three musketeers? Because if so it''s crap Turnip > Yeah, right. You''re just jealous of my wit. Kerry whispered something to Mandy. Mandy nodded in response. They both let go of my wrist and put their own hands in front of them like they had a keyboard each. "Woo!" said Kerry as she began to wave her fingers. "Check it!" said Mandy as she rubbed her ass against me while typing into the air. Turnip > See. The three Moronteers. BDJ > Fuck off. "Umm girls, let''s make a move. People are looking at us," I said. It was true, and probably the only thing that had stopped me from getting my arse kicked by a random do-badder was the fact that it was two hot chicks with me. ¡°Let¡¯s dance while we walk!¡± said Mandy. ¡°Oh yeah!¡± cried Kerry, already bouncing up and down with each step. ¡°Oh no¡­¡± I said to myself. Turnip > And so, it came to pass, that the three Moronteers went off on their quest¡­ Chapter 06: Portals Not Portholes >stats Name: Jamie Level: 3 HP: 125/125 MP: 0/0 SP: 12/12 Strength: 7 Attack: 7 Defense: 7 Intelligence: 7 Wisdom: 7 Charm: 7 Stealth: 7 Exp: 0. You need 200 exp for Level 4. Each girl took a hand and we started off back to my block of flats. I winced when I saw that both of them were using their free hand to ''dance type'' into the air as we strolled hand in hand. NPCs eh? Once we''d got inside the gray monstrosity that was Churchill Tower, the inflammably clad tower block that Mandy and I lived in, we trooped into the stairwell and instead of going up, we went down into the dark depths below. I''d only been down there once, when I first moved in. I''d had a vague hope that there would be a community center down there for residents ¡ª perhaps a gym, a laundry room, maybe group exercise classes to give the hot young ladies a chance to parade around in yoga pants. There was none of these things. "Before we go on. Umm, don''t you two have other things you need to be doing?" I asked. Kerry frowned. Mandy wrinkled her nose. "Other things?" they said in unison. "Well, you know, like jobs, and a life?" "Well of course we could be doing other things. But today''s been such an adventure..." said Mandy. Kerry nodded in agreement. "I don''t normally get death threats," she said with a giggle. "I am supposed to teach a yoga class¡­ but I think I¡¯ll blow it off. Because ¡ª ocean!¡± "Man, you NPCs are great. I wish girls in the real world were as fun as you." Kerry and Mandy looked at each other wide eyed, and then looked at me. "Wow, Jamie," said Mandy. "You''re so deep," said Kerry. "I''ve never met anyone like you before. I don''t even know what this NPC is. Is it good?" I shrugged. "Sure it''s good. Better than some asshole PC trying to PvP or PK me." Mandy stroked at my arm. "You have so much to teach us, don''t you?" I grinned. This was awesome. Turnip > Boo. Get a room. You suck. BDJ > Jelly? Turnip > LOL "You know what, I do. I do have so much to teach you. Now, are you ready for something awesome?" Kerry jumped up in the air and clapped her hands together. Mandy leaned in and gave me a kiss on the cheek. Kerry, seeing what Mandy had done, apparently became jealous and kissed the other side of my face. "Come on, this is going to be good," I told them. I was wondering what a portal would actually be like, in the flesh, so to speak. I was hoping it would be a shimmering doorway, something otherworldly looking that would really blow these girls'' minds ¡ª just before they blew me. With a confident shove, I pushed open the door to the portal room and... ...the room was too dark to see anything. I briefly considered casting a spell of light, but I didn''t know that one. Or any others for that matter ¡ª not yet anyway, I told myself. Instead I did the modern equivalent and reached out to the wall and flicked the switch. "Wow!" said Kerry. "Ooh!" said Mandy, stepping into the room and twirling around. I did not act so impressed. Not because I''m a too-cool-for-school, ultra-nonchalant kind of dude. But because the room was exactly what you would expect a maintenance room under a tower block to look like. There was metal machinery of some kind on one wall that did stuff that a non-blue-collar worker like me didn''t deign to understand. There was dust. There were cobwebs and mops and brooms and random stacks of bricks and tiles and a whole shelf full of chemicals. There was, however, a decided lack of a blue shimmering portal. Or any other kind, for that matter. "It''s exciting, isn''t it?" said Mandy. "I''ll say!" said Kerry. BDJ > You fuckin? Turnip > LOL "Okay, put your hands up," said a voice. I turned to face it as did my two companions. From behind the machinery a tall, gray-haired man in a suit had stepped out, and he was holding a gun. Above his head, instead of a name, was ??? He was, like me, Level 3. "Are you the portal guardian?" I asked him. He cocked his head at me. "What?" "Is it a test?" I asked. "Life is a test," said Kerry knowledgeably. "It is, isn''t it?" said Mandy. "A test that we can''t even study for." The two girls sighed dramatically "You three. Get in the corner," said ??? waving his gun dramatically. "Why?" I asked him. "I''m the one with the gun here, sunshine, so don''t ''why'' me. Get over there and get on your knees." Mandy frowned at him. "You have a very bad aura," she told him. "Very bad." He swung to point the gun at her and that''s when I struck. >Combat Engaged Lashing out with my wooden sword I smacked him on the wrist and was rewarded with a satisfying crack. >You hit Portal Guardian for 5 damage! Aha. So he was a Portal Guardian. Unfortunately, my sudden movement was enough to set him off and he pulled the trigger of the gun. BANG. >Portal Guardian shot Mandy for 25damage! The words flew across my vision in bright green text. "Ow! My wrist!" said the Portal Guardian as the pistol clattered to the floor at Kerry''s feet. "Ow! I''ve been shot!" said Mandy as a red stain began to spread onto her white shirt from her shoulder. "Fuck," I cried, and lashed out again, cracking the Portal Guardian repeatedly on the head. I really didn¡¯t want to lose Mandy, not a hot chick like her. I was going to keep her with me, damnit! ¡°Leave her alone! She¡¯s too hot to die this early on!¡± I roared with anger. > You have gone berserk! > You hit Portal Guardian for 20 damage! > You hit Portal Guardian for 20 damage! > You hit Portal Guardian for 20 damage! He is stunned! > You hit Portal Guardian for 20 damage! > You hit Portal Guardian for 20 damage! He is stunned! >Portal Guardian is too stunned to attack. >You hit Portal Guardian for 20 damage! Adrenaline surging through me, I couldn''t stop myself. The man fell over but I didn''t stop my assault, rapidly turning his head and face into a red mush. Reading on Amazon or a pirate site? This novel is from Royal Road. Support the author by reading it there.>You have defeated Portal Guardian >You gained 20 exp >Portal Open As I defeated him he exploded in shards of bright red light that burst up and out of him like jewels made of solidified rays of light, his body disappearing. I was glad for this, because as fun as slaying enemies is, if he had turned into a bloody, mushy corpse I''d probably begin to feel a bit... you know... guilty? Something like that. When I looked at where he had been I could see what he dropped. "Sweet loot," I said. A gun (Ammo 0/6) Portal Key I snatched up the gun and tucked it into my belt on the right hand side, tucking my wooden sword into the other. The ''portal key'' wasn''t a traditional key, but was in fact a diamond shaped piece of dark grey metal. "Wow!" said Kerry in response to the portal guardian disappearing in his flash of jewel-like light beams. "Are you a god?" asked Mandy. "He just..." "Poofed," said Kerry. Huh. These NPCs weren''t used to the battle system, apparently. "No, I''m not an actual god," I said to Mandy. But I let me tone imply that, y''know, I kind of was a bit godlike. Chicks dig godlike dudes. "Umm are you okay?" I asked her. She was bleeding from being shot, after all. "Let me see that," said Kerry, stepping toward Mandy. "Ooh," she said, wincing. "Get your shirt off." Mandy did as she was told, lifting the tight fitting t-shirt off to reveal a lovely, sports-bra clad yoga body underneath. Well, I say lovely, but there was a rather bloody hole through her which ruined the effect a bit. "Let me try something," said Kerry, "I''ve been taking a Reiki hands on healing course." "Oh, Reiki? Fantastic!" said Mandy. Great. More hippie dippie mumbo jumbo. I didn''t say it out loud though because hot chicks don''t like it when you mock their beliefs. The fact I knew that meant my charm definitely should have been more than 7. Right? I briefly considered suggesting that it might help if Mandy removed her yoga pants too, but I don''t think even I, charming as I was, could have pulled that off just yet. Kerry fixed a fierce look of concentration on her face and began to wave her hands over Mandy''s bullet hole. I guess I shouldn''t have been surprised by what happened next, but truth told, I was. A purple glow emanated from Kerry''s hands and rainbow-ripples of light and energy flowed out of them, toward Mandy''s wound. Staring at her, I watched the numbers floating above her head start to zoom up. From 75/100 they rapidly flew... 76, 77, 78, 79, 80, 81, 82, 83, 84, 85, 86, 87, 88, 89, 90, 91, 92, 93, 94, 95, 96, 97, 98, 99, 100. As the numbers span the wound itself disappeared from view in the multi-colored light. When it reached 100, Kerry''s glowing hands faded and she let them draw back down to her side. Mandy''s wound was completely healed. > Companion Kerry Level Up! > Level 2 "Well, fuck me," I said. Mandy and Kerry both looked at me. "We only just met!" they said in unison. I laughed. Good NPCs. Very good. Kerry reached down and planted a long, wet kiss on Mandy''s bare skin where the wound had been. Then, they smiled at each other and pecked each other on the lips. "Don''t let me stop you..." I said. They both giggled. "Come on, take us to the ocean!" said Kerry. ¡°Give me a moment,¡± I said. >exp Kerry > You have 20 experience. You need 200 experience for Level 4. >Kerry exp > BDJ> How can I see her stats? Turnip > You can¡¯t, except the HP. You¡¯ll just get a notification when she levels up. BDJ > But I want to micromanage her! Turnip > Is that Little Dick Jamie¡¯s euphemism for sex? BDJ > FU ¡°I don¡¯t supposed you can see your experience points can you¡­?¡± I asked the girls hopefully. My expectations were met exactly as I expected them to be met. With miscomprehension and befuddlement. ¡°I can tell you my experience points,¡± began Mandy, ¡°first, I can type at over 30 WPM¡ª¡± ¡°Wow!¡± said Kerry, clapping her hands in admiration. I just about managed to avoid rolling my eyes. 30WPM. 30WPM? Goodness¡­ ¡°I know all the essential essential oils, and I can teach yoga and massage and read auras. Those are my key experience points. Do I get the job?¡± I coughed. ¡°Umm. Not a job interview. And not what I meant. Let¡¯s get¡ª¡± ¡°¡ªHey!¡± interrupted Kerry, ¡°What about me, huh?¡± she demanded. ¡°Fine. Yes. Go on then¡­¡± ¡°I can identify over 50 strains of marijuana by smell alone, I can make love for many hours at a time, I have experience working in over eighteen different jobs¡ª¡± ¡°Eighteen jobs? That¡¯s amazing!¡± said Mandy. ¡°¡­ is it?¡± I said dubiously. ¡°And I¡¯m allergic to radiation from microwaves and computers.¡± ¡°That¡¯s a good thing?¡± The two girls nodded their heads sternly. They would brook no argument there. ¡°You forgot to mention your magic healing powers,¡± I pointed out. She waved her hand dismissively. ¡°I was focusing on the important things.¡± ¡°Right. Great. Now. Let¡¯s try this magic portal, shall we?¡± Turnip >The portal is behind that old shelf. I ignored the stupid green text from my stupid online friend and held out the diamond-shaped device I¡¯d taken from ??? aka the Portal Guardian. ¡°Ooh,¡± said Mandy admiringly. ¡°Can I touch it?¡± asked Kerry. Before I could answer her I¡¯d run my finger over the little switch that I had found on the body of the device. As soon as I touched it something seemingly wonderful occurred. In front of us a large rectangle appeared, stretching from the ground almost up to the ceiling, and about two foot wide. It took the form of a swirly, blueish-grey fog, and it was impossible to see what was on the other side of it ¡ª the only thing I felt it safe to assume was that if we walked through it we wouldn¡¯t end up on the other side of this maintenance room. ¡°Wow!¡± screamed Kerry far too loudly. ¡°Ooh,¡± said Mandy, clutching at Kerry and I using a stiff-gripped hand for each. ¡°Let¡¯s go through together,¡± I said, and wrapped a hand around each of their waists. Squeezing the two girls tight up against me I began to step through the portal. Turnip > WTF are you doing? Turnip > Stop! Chapter 07: I hate Fn Spiders! >stats Name: Jamie Level: 3 HP: 125/125 MP: 0/0 SP: 12/12 Strength: 7 Attack: 7 Defense: 7 Intelligence: 7 Wisdom: 7 Charm: 7 Stealth: 7 Exp: 20 / 200 You need 200 more exp for Level 4! Gold: 10 We stepped through the shimmering, smoky portal door, Turnip¡¯s stupid green text writing going right along with us. >You Have Entered the Kingdom of Realmland! It felt the same as walking through a visible laser beam ¡ª your eyes tell you that you should feel something, but in actuality, you don¡¯t. The only way I could tell that we were through was because, well, we were in a completely different place. We entered as one into a long hallway. The floor was flagstones and the walls too were made of carved slabs of rock. Turnip>WTF are you? BDJ> We went through the portal like we were supposed to. In some realm or something. Turnip> fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck BDJ > What¡¯s wrong? Turnip > Nothing. AFK. Hmm. Well. That didn¡¯t bode well, did it? I decided to treat the possible problem the same way I treated most problems or potential problems in life: by ignoring it. Turnip was probably just being a dramatic little douche anyway. Directly in front of me was a sign, which read ¡°Portals¡± and it had an arrow pointing to the right. ¡°Which way should we go?¡± asked Kerry, blinking her eyes at me adorably. I pointed using my wooden sword which I had removed from my waistband before stepping through the portal. ¡°That way!¡± I said, trying to make my voice boom Like a big bastard Level 100 kind of guy. I figured we would get to a whole room full of portals and we¡¯d be able to choose where we wanted to go. New York this way! Tokyo over there! Paris this way if you please!Churchill Tower down through that hole! Mars (do not enter without space suit!). That is what I fully expected. Needless to say, I was, as usual, disappointed. The girls followed me as I set off like two obedient puppy dogs, apparently recognizing me for the strong leader that I was. I strode forward, head held high, acting as if I knew exactly where I was going and I could dispatch anything that hindered us along our way with my trusty wooden sword, even though this was, of course, my first time in the mighty Hall of Portals as I decided I was going to call it ,until told otherwise. ¡°Uhoh...¡± said Kerry. ¡°Look out!¡± cried Mandy. ¡°Ohmygodwhatisthat!¡± I burst out, waving my sword in front of my face in a natural defense mechanism. Just in front of us a red shimmering had appeared in the air out of seemingly nowhere. As we watched, first a shadow became visible, which became more and more solid as the shimmering increased in its rapidity, faster and faster and faster until... ¡°Argh! The shimmering was gone and we all jumped backward. In front of us was something I¡¯d never seen on the streets of Croydon: >A Giant Spider (Level 10 HP 410/410) ¡°Oh Christ on a pancake what is that?¡± said Mandy. ¡°I don¡¯t like spiders,¡± said Kerry, her voice so quiet it could barely be heard above the rattly growls of the spider and the relentless drip... drip... drip... drip... of the venom dripping from the forearm-sized fangs jutting out of its mouth. ¡°Get it!¡± said Mandy, giving me a nudge. ¡°It¡¯s Level 10!¡± I cried. She looked at me in bewilderment. ¡°What does that mean?¡± she asked me with a pleading look in her eyes. ¡°It means we leg it. NOW!¡± I grabbed the two girls arms, span them around, and then, just as nobly as I had before, I led them down the hallway in the opposite direction, this time at a dead-sprint. ¡°Wait for me!¡± yelled one of them. ¡°And me!¡± yelled the other. It was hard to tell which was which because I was a long way in the lead by this point. The thing about running away from Level 10 Giant rabid Spiders, is that you don¡¯t actually have to be faster than the spider. You just have to be faster than your slowest companion ¡ª at least, that was what I was thinking in my panic. Not that I wanted one of them to get eaten. But, you know, better the hot NPC takes one for the team than me getting whacked again. ¡°Hellllp!¡± came a yell. ¡°Shit!¡± I said, angrily. I was pretty fond of these NPCs actually. I stopped. Reluctantly. ¡°I¡¯m really going to do this, aren¡¯t I,¡± I said to myself. ¡°Damn right you are,¡± I answered. ¡°You¡¯re an idiot,¡± I answered back to myself again. ¡°I¡¯m coming!¡± I yelled and span around. My feet almost slipped on the slippery flagstones as I came to a sliding halt and span around to rescue my companions. Behind me I could see Kerry stood legs apart, panicked look on her face, glancing forward and back as if deciding which way she should be sprinting. I understood her dilemma, it was a tough one. ¡°Stay behind me!¡± I said to her as I brushed past. I saw the problem immediately. Mandy had been targeted by the Giant Spider with a distance attack. She was on the floor, her torso from her shoulders down to her knees wrapped in spiderweb. ¡°Help! Help!¡± she yelled at me. Looking beyond her I could see the Giant Spider. Still Level 10. Still at full HP. Miraculously Mandy must have fallen just outside of its its range of attack, because it just stood there, bouncing up and down on six of it¡¯s horrible, hairy, muscly spiders legs. The other two were held in front of it, and I was horrified to see that these two ¡®legs¡¯ had a pair of hands at the end of each, with eight, long, spindly fingers of its own. The hand on my left was clutching a shield while that on the right was clutching a long, silver sword. ¡°Shhh,¡± I said to Mandy. I tried to keep one eye on her and one eye on the spider, but, not having independently controllable eyeballs on external stalks I found out this was impossible ¡ª something I¡¯d never had to worry about in my previous almost three decades on Earth. I poked at the thick layer of spider-silk wrapped around Mandy with my sword. It clung and gripped the wood, and refused to separate. If Mandy hadn¡¯t been hot I would have abandoned her immediately. But luckily for her... ¡°Maybe I can help!¡± said Kerry. ¡°Yeah?¡± I asked. She held out her hands in front of her like she had earlier when she healed Mandy¡¯s wound. ¡°What can you do?¡± I asked her. ¡°I¡¯m not sure... I feel like this silk might burn though...¡± ¡°Hey!¡± yelled Mandy. ¡°Don¡¯t set fire to me!¡± ¡°Don¡¯t worry, it¡¯ll be magic fire, and I¡¯ll use my hands-on-healing to help protect you.¡± Hmmm. I hoped this worked. ¡°Hurry up, I told her,¡± as I stared down at her small but prettily-glowing hands. ¡°Watch out!¡± yelled Mandy. I looked back toward where the Giant Spider. Oh no! There was no longer one spider. There were now eight. One giant spider and seven little babies, all of which seemed intent in exploring in our direction. >Look baby spider > Baby Spider! Level 2 (HP 25/25) They were a level below me and their hitpoint game was real weak. I¡¯d only need one or two good whacks to take down each one. ¡°Can you do anything to my sword?¡± I asked Kerry, hopefully. After all, if she could heal, she could probably do other nifty tricks too. She looked at it, and hummed a deep resonant tone from somewhere far inside her lovely chest, and waved her hands over the wooden blade. It became surrounded in a green, burning glow. >Wooden Sword has been enchanted by Green Magic Fire by Companion Kerry (+5 damage) ¡°Sweet!¡± I said. Just in time. A curious baby spider approached us, hissing excitedly. I squeezed my wooden sword tightly, two white-knuckled hands around the leather grip. This sword had been pretty rubbish for cutting before; being made of wood and all; but with the magic fire glowing and flickering all over it... >Combat Engaged! >Baby Spider swings with fangs and misses. >You hit Baby Spider for 20 damage! >Baby Spider burns for 5 damage! >Baby Spider is dead. > You got 10 experience. > You found 1 gold. The baby burst in jewel-like shards of light, just like the portal guardian had done earlier, leaving behind a shiny one pound coin. I was just about to wipe my brow and tell the girls how awesome I was when... >Combat Engaged! >Baby Spider swings with fangs and hits you for 5 damage! I swung at the little bastard like I wanted to hurt it. Which I didn¡¯t. I wanted to kill it. >You hit Baby Spider for 5 damage! >Baby Spider burns for 5 damage! I hit it but it was only a glancing blow ¡ª luckily it was enough for some of Kerry¡¯s magic fire to do some damage to it though. They were weak little bastards, but in a way, so was I. For the time being. >Baby Spider swings with fangs and misses. >You hit Baby Spider for 10 damage! >Baby Spider burns for 5 damage! >You killed Baby Spider. > You got 10 experience. > You found 1 gold. >HP >Hp 120/125 ¡°Ha! Take that you little bastards! I am the sword master! Feel the PAIN!¡± I yelled. I glanced down and saw that Kerry was making quick work of Mandy¡¯s binding, the wispy, silvery thread that wrapped around her disappearing under the magic fire she was weaving around it. Kerry glanced at me and quickly waved a hand in my direction. >Kerry healed you 5HP >You are completely healed. ¡°Thanks!¡± I shouted at her. >Combat Engaged! >Combat Engaged! >Combat Engaged! >Combat Engaged! >Combat Engaged! FUCK! I was still looking at the girls when these words flew up in quick succession in front of me. I looked up and five more spiders were right there, all attacking me. ¡°Do I look like a tank!?¡± I yelled and went to swing my sword. ¡°A water tank?¡± asked Kerry in bemusement. ¡°A fish tank?¡± asked Mandy. ¡°Fuck!¡± I yelled. >Baby Spider swings with fangs and hits you for 5 damage! >Baby Spider swings with fangs and hits you for 5 damage! >Baby Spider swings with fangs and hits you for 5 damage! >Baby Spider swings with fangs and hits you for 5 damage! >Baby Spider swings with fangs and hits you for 5 damage! >hp >HP 100/125 ¡°That friggin¡¯ hurts!¡± I complained. Each one of the little bastards had bitten into me, mostly on my legs and arms. I used to hate spiders, and I¡¯d never even been attacked by them back at home. Now? Now I really hated the little fuckers. Like a pissed off idiot with a wooden sword I swung at the group of fast little fuckers wildly, hoping to take them all out with one massive swipe. Support the creativity of authors by visiting the original site for this novel and more.>You swing at baby spider and miss. The little bastards jumped out of the way, avoiding even the flame which danced around the edges of my blade. My swing was still finishing when they went at me again. I was so slow I only swung as fast as the baby spiders, and there were five of them! >Baby Spider swings with fangs and hits you for 5 damage! >Baby Spider swings with fangs and hits you for 5 damage! >Baby Spider swings with fangs and hits you for 5 damage! >Baby Spider swings with fangs and hits you for 5 damage! >Baby Spider swings with fangs and hits you for 5 damage! >hp >HP 75/125 Oh shit. This wasn¡¯t fair. They were kicking my ass. ¡°Kerry!¡± I said. ¡°Sorry,¡± she said, I think I¡¯m out of... whatever it was I was doing. My powers aren¡¯t working. Shit. No more Mana or magic points or whatever the hell they used around these parts. I hoped she¡¯d regen fast. Mandy, now released from the spiders¡¯ thread stood up. ¡°I feel like I could maybe do something,¡± she said, waving her hands experimentally in front of her. >You swing at baby spider and miss! ¡°Fuck, fuck, fuckity, fuck, fuck, fuck!¡± I complained wittily, before becoming ever closer to being spider-dinner. >Baby Spider swings with fangs and hits you for 5 damage! >Baby Spider swings with fangs and hits you for 5 damage! >Baby Spider swings with fangs and hits you for 5 damage! >Baby Spider swings with fangs and hits you for 5 damage! >Baby Spider swings with fangs and hits you for 5 damage! >hp >HP 50/125 ¡°Help!¡±, I said. >You hit baby spider for 10 damage! >Baby Spider burns for 5 damage! >Mandy cast Room Effect! >You hit baby spider for for 15 damage! >Baby Spider burns for 5 damage! >You hit baby spider for for 15 damage! >Baby Spider burns for 5 damage! >You hit baby spider for for 10 damage! >Baby Spider burns for 5 damage! >You hit baby spider for for 15 damage! >Baby Spider burns for 5 damage! ¡°Holy shit! That is awesome!¡± I yelled. As soon as Mandy had cast her spell my sword had taken on a strange, ghost-like appearance to it, and five similar swords had appeared in the air, each striking a spider in the same way as I hit the one in front of me. With the aid of Kerry¡¯s burning and Mandy¡¯s room effect I was finally doing some damage. >Baby Spider swings with fangs and hits you for 5 damage! >Baby Spider swings with fangs and hits you for 5 damage! >Baby Spider swings with fangs and hits you for 5 damage! >Baby Spider swings with fangs and hits you for 5 damage! >Baby Spider swings with fangs and hits you for 5 damage! >hp >HP 25/125 I was bleeding and cut and bruised and hurt, but on the plus side I was full of adrenaline and I really, really wanted to kill the little bastards. Praying the room-effect spell wasn¡¯t just a one-shot-and-done type deal, I went in to hit the spiders again. This would be my last chance¡­ >You hit baby spider for 15 damage! >Baby Spider burns for 5 damage! >Mandy cast Room Effect! >You hit baby spider for for 15 damage! >Baby Spider burns for 5 damage! >You hit baby spider for for 15 damage! >Baby Spider burns for 5 damage! >You hit baby spider for 15 damage! >Baby Spider burns for 5 damage! >You hit baby spider for damage! >Baby Spider burns for 5 damage! >You killed Baby Spider. > You got 10 experience. > You found 1 gold. >You killed Baby Spider. > You got 10 experience. > You found 2 gold. >You killed Baby Spider. > You got 10 experience. > You found 2 gold. >You killed Baby Spider. > You got 10 experience. > You found 1 gold. >You killed Baby Spider. > You got 10 experience. > You found 3 gold. ¡°Sweet!¡± I yelled over the top of the spider corpses. Before my eyes they all turned into multi-colored shards of crystal-like light, bursting out from each body and then disappearing into the air. All that was left was a few spider legs and 11 golden coins. Unlike the coin dropped by the Portal Guardian, these did not appear to be legal tender in the UK. I picked them up and shoved them all in my pockea Mandy was staring at her hands. *** ¡°What did I do?¡± she asked turning her hands over and again, examining them. ¡°You turned my attack into a melee attack, so it hit all the spiders,¡± I told her. ¡°Was it... magic¡± she asked, almost whispering the word. I shrugged nonchalantly. ¡°Yep. You¡¯re a kind of mage I guess. And Kerry¡¯s a healer and enchanter or something.¡± ¡°Wow. I always knew I was spiritual, but I didn¡¯t realize I was so...¡± ¡°Wonderful?¡± finished Kerry, squeezing Mandy¡¯s arm. She nodded. ¡°Umm, how about you spiritual types give me a hand,¡± I suggested. At 25/100 HP you can probably imagine what I looked like: beat-the-fuck-up. I had scratches and bruises and I felt a bit woozy from the baby spiders venom. In my weakened state I probably wouldn¡¯t even survive a single bite from the Giant Spider that was still just out of range. Kerry placed her hands on my chest and they began to glow. 25 26 27 28 ... ¡°I¡¯ve got an idea,¡± she announced. When she leaned in toward me I immediately became a big fan of her idea. She placed two warm, soft lips up against mine and wrapped her arms around my back. My HP began to increase more rapidly. She broke off the kiss. ¡°I think, the closer I am to you, the faster I can heal you.¡± ¡°I need more healing!¡± I said, and put two of my hands behind her head. Eagerly, enthusiastically, she pressed her mouth up against mine again. 88 89 90 ... ¡°What about me?¡± said Mandy. I flicked my eyes down to her. She was at 80/100HP as it seemed the Giant Spider¡¯s cocoon had been slowly sapping her HP away. 98 99 100 ¡°There,¡± said Kerry excitedly, jumping back and clapping her hands together. ¡°Wow,¡± I said. ¡°You¡¯re really good at... healing.¡± She giggled and put her hands up to her blushing cheeks. ¡°What about kissing?¡± she asked. I coughed. ¡°Umm oh, yeah, now that I think about it, that was ok.¡± Treat ¡®em mean, keep ¡®em keen. I got that from a movie, I think. It¡¯s something I¡¯d actually practiced most of my adult life, though the way I normally did it was more along the lines of Don¡¯t let them even know you exist, keep em potentially keen one day in the future. To be brutally honest with myself, which is something I definitely try to avoid, this technique hadn¡¯t actually landed me all that luck with the ladies in the past. But hey, I was doing okay with Kerry and Mandy, wasn¡¯t I? When I wasn¡¯t nearly getting them killed, that was. ¡°Hey...¡± said Mandy from the floor. She was now sitting down, apparently out of breath if her heavy breathing was anything to go by. Mandy Level 2 [HP 75 / 110] ¡°Uhoh,¡± I said, ¡°your health keeps dropping.¡± Kerry dropped to her knees in front of her. ¡°Come here, hon,¡± she said, pulling Mandy toward her, ¡°let¡¯s get you better.¡± There¡¯s something about one gorgeous girl kneeling over another one, isn¡¯t there? Especially when the one on top holds the girl below¡¯s cheeks in her hands, and then pushes their mouths together in a deep, long, sensuous kiss. As I watched a glow appeared around both their bodies and Mandy¡¯s health began to improve. I think if I hadn¡¯t been fully healed already, watching the two girls making out probably would have gone a long way toward helping. ¡°Maybe if you put your hand up against the skin of her body it might help,¡± I suggested with only the purest and most noble intentions in mind. Kerry, good girl that she was, slipped a hand under Mandy¡¯s shirt and slid it up her torso to squeeze at her breast. Mandy let out a gasp. I let out a moan. Mandy Level 2 [HP 100 / 100] Kerry broke off her kiss and breast squeezing. ¡°There, all better!¡± she announced, standing up. She reached down a hand and offered it to Mandy who hopped right up on her feet again. ¡°Do you think touching her helped?¡± asked Kerry innocently. ¡°Oh definitely,¡± I said, nodding, ¡°her HP started zooming up once you had your hand under her shirt. ¡°I think so, too,¡± said Mandy who sneaked a sly look my way, ¡°I felt way better. Imagine if there was another pair of hands as well!¡± I reached out and grabbed Mandy¡¯s hands, squeezing them. ¡°I don¡¯t know if I can heal, Mandy,¡± I told her, seriously, ¡°but dammnit I will try! I don¡¯t care if we both have to get completely naked. If that¡¯s what it takes, I¡¯d do it for you!¡± She beamed a bright, cheerful, grateful smile. ¡°Wow, you¡¯d do that for me? That¡¯s so... romantic.¡± I grinned, pretty proud of myself. I¡¯d be a Level 100 pussybanger in no time, I figured. ¡°Would you do that for me too?¡±asked Kerry, shyly. I released Mandy¡¯s hands and wrapped an arm around each of the girls¡¯ shoulders. ¡°Of course I would, my dear,¡± I told her, ¡°even though we¡¯ve only all just met, I think it¡¯s our destiny to help each other.¡± ¡°Yay!¡± cried Kerry, jumping up and down. ¡°Umm, is it just me, or is that thing getting closer?¡± asked Mandy, pointing toward the Giant Spider. ¡°Bollocks!¡± I said. ¡°Can we kill it?¡± asked Mandy. I shook my head. ¡°Nope. This time, let¡¯s run. Together!¡± I grabbed the two girls hands and we started to run away from the Giant Spider. And away from the Hall of Portals. Where were we going? I didn¡¯t have a clue but as long as it was away from the Giant Spider it was fine with me. Turnip > What the hell is going on Jamie? Did that fucker just call me Jamie? He never calls me by my name. My hands were full with the hands of pretty girls, but needing to respond I pretended I had a split keyboard and was using a finger on each hand to type, without slowing down or releasing my grip on the two girls¡¯ hands. It worked just fine. BDJ> ? Well. I was a little more terse than usual. But mostly fine. I kind of wanted to insult him but couldn¡¯t spare the fingers. Turnip > I think it¡¯s fucked. All of it. You, too. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Well, that didn¡¯t bode well, did it? >stats Name: Jamie Level: 3 HP: 125/125 MP: 0/0 SP: 12/12 Strength: 7 Attack: 7 Defense: 7 Intelligence: 7 Wisdom: 7 Charm: 7 Stealth: 7 Exp: 90 / 200 You need 200 more exp for Level 4! Gold: 21?>quests Current Quests: Real Real Life: ? 1) Meet Schizo and collect package.(COMPLETE)?? 2) Deliver package to ocean. (IN PROGRESS)?? 3) Do not allow companion Kerry to die.?The Kingdom of Realmland: Chapter 08: Well Thats It. Its All Fd Up Now. Turnip > Where are you? BDJ > Near Hall of Portals. Turnip > WTF is Hall of Portals? BDJ> ??? Turnip> This isn¡¯t good. Something¡¯s definitely gone wrong. That portal in the basement was supposed to take you straight to the Quest destination. You¡¯re not supposed to be down where you are. BDJ > Meh. We used the portal key instead. Turnip> There shouldn¡¯t have been a portal key. You were supposed to walk through the nice, normal, portal that was behind the shelves! BDJ> Well. Whatever. We¡¯re here now. ¡°Kingdom of Realmland¡± if that means anything to you. Turnip > Uh. Realmland? Crap. Someone infiltrated the Real Real Earth. I had you sandboxed, but now... BDJ > Sndbx? Lame. Turnip > No. The Sandbox was good. Trust me. BDJ > ? ¡°I don¡¯t think it¡¯s following us!¡± said Mandy. I glanced over my shoulder. The Giant Spider was gone. Or at least, if it was behind us it was too far away to see in the dim light of the stone-clad corridor we were still in. Turnip > Before, you were in a sandbox. You couldn¡¯t die, and there weren¡¯t any ¡®real¡¯ monsters, just the NPCs for the quests and stuff. If you got in a fight before it would have ended when you got to 1HP and they¡¯d have left you alone. But someone has gone and linked your Earth to everything else. This is very bad. I shook my head in confusion. I still didn¡¯t really get where the hell I was or what role Barry aka Turnip had in everything, apart from annoying me with his stupid green text. BDJ > What? So? Does it matter? Turnip > Your character ¡ª you ¡ª you¡¯re... well... you must have been merged. BDJ > Got 2 chix here I wanna merge with. If you know what I mean. Turnip > LOL. Well you might as well because you¡¯re probably going to be DEAD soon. BDJ > Turnip > For real. In this Realmland place you¡¯re not even registered as a Player Character anymore. Before you STUPIDLY left Earth you were a PC, and you were playing, well, you. You were backed up to off-site locations and perfectly safe. But now the data and the character has been moved over somehow. You¡¯re not in MY game anymore, and you¡¯re not getting backed up anymore either. BDJ > I have no idea how that affects me. I felt something hit my hip and turned to see the two girls had their hands out again and were wiggling their fingers and shaking their asses in the typing dance. Turnip > If you die now, the best I¡¯ll be able to do is just respawn you in your flat. With no memory of any of this. Oh, and no skills or abilities. No chance to level up or advance or do anything. The Jamie as PC experiment will be over. You¡¯ll just be... like... a kind of automaton. You¡¯ll go back and forth to work and the shops and do lame crap for the next forty years until you die. Unless you kill yourself with a truck again first. BDJ > Ummm that kind of sounds like how my old life was. Turnip > Well, were you happy? BDJ > I¡¯m English. Of course I wasn¡¯t happy. Turnip > LOL BDJ > But seriously, you¡¯re describing my old life exactly how it was. Was I... like... an NPC before? Turnip > Well yeah, since you died the first time, pretty much. Most people are. They don¡¯t live, they just exist. YOU managed to escape all that. But this is serious shit now. You¡¯re NOT an NPC but you will be if you die, and that¡¯ll be that. Bye, bye LDJ. Brain switch-off coming up. BDJ > Umm, it¡¯s BDJ. And what do you mean ¡®died the first time¡¯? Turnip> Oops. BDJ> What¡¯s this ¡®Oops¡¯? What are you talking about? Turnip > You¡¯re not supposed to know about the other deaths and reboots. Umm. Forget I said anything. Umm shit. I¡¯ve got to figure this out. BDJ > ??? Turnip > Just... make sure you don¡¯t die. And don¡¯t let your companions die either! BDJ > The NPCs? Mandy and Kerry? Turnip > Wait, you think they¡¯re NPCs? BDJ > Oops. That would explain why they don¡¯t understand anything. Guess they weren¡¯t gamers. Turnip > Anyway dude, if you want to live you¡¯re going to have to get back to Earth so I can access your data again. And don¡¯t take too long doing it! I¡¯m on a deadline. You said you saw a Hall of Portals? See if you can find one back here. Look for a sign saying ¡°Real Real Earth¡±. If the Earth has been connected you should be able to find a portal back. Jamie> Umm. No can do. Didn¡¯t actually make it to the Hall. Giant Spider in the way. It¡¯ll kill us. Turnip> Crap. Then either level yourselves the fuck up and defeat it, or¡­ I dunno. Think of something. Jamie > Umm ok. Thanks for the inspiring words. Wanta load me up with some cool weapons and bump my stats or something? Turnip> Dude. You¡¯re not on the Real Real Earth anymore. I can¡¯t do shit. I can¡¯t even see what you¡¯re up to. The only link I have to you is this stupid text. Jamie> Oh freakin¡¯ great. Turnip> Gotta go. I¡¯ll see if I can get access to this Realmland place¡­ AFK Jamie> Later. As the words floating in the air faded away I returned my focus to Earth, or, Realmland rather, and was greeted by a rather more pleasant sight. While I¡¯d been working away, trying to save our asses, Kerry and Mandy had been getting better acquainted. Much better acquainted. In fact, they were making out rather enthusiastically in front of me. ¡°Nice!¡± I said, charmer that I am. They broke off, both rosy cheeked and breathless. ¡°We were just...¡± said Kerry, her words fading away as she clearly did not know how to end the sentence she¡¯d started. ¡°...seeing if we could, like, overheal me¡± finished Mandy. ¡°You know, make me like¡­ extra-energetic?¡± I grinned the grin of a very happy man. ¡°And did you?¡± I asked. They shook their heads glumly. ¡°No,¡± said Mandy. ¡°But it was fun though!¡± said Kerry with a wicked grin. ¡°Well,¡± I told them, ¡°let¡¯s all try later.¡± Of course they wouldn¡¯t be able to ¡®overheal¡¯ themselves. Game magic didn¡¯t work like that. But damnit, I was willing to try anyway. ¡°Yay!¡± said Kerry, jumping in the air and clapping her hands. ¡°Oh, that sounds fun,¡± said Mandy. ¡°Now what?¡± I shrugged. ¡°According to Barry, we¡¯re not supposed to be here. We need to get back to the Real Real Earth ASAP. But, we can¡¯t go to the Hall of Portals because that spider is in the way¡­¡± I said, letting my words trail off. ¡°Barry?¡± asked Kerry, wrinkling her nose in confusion. ¡°Ummm he¡¯s my¡­ umm, he gives me advice. I think.¡± I said. If they weren¡¯t going to understand they were in a game, they definitely wouldn¡¯t understand Barry/Turnip¡¯s role in it. It would be tough for me to explain, especially since I didn¡¯t really understand myself. ¡°Is he your spirit guide?¡± asked Mandy seriously. ¡°Ha. Spirit Guide. Yeah, if you like.¡±The narrative has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident. ¡°So we have to go on an adventure to find the way back?¡± asked Kerry, ¡°To get back to Earth?¡± ¡°I love adventures,¡± said Mandy, rubbing her hands together in anticipation. ¡°Me too,¡± declared Kerry with a little jump. ¡°Well,¡± I said, ¡°make that me three.¡± It wasn¡¯t so much that I relished the thought of an ¡®adventure¡¯ ¡ª especially one that could apparently result in me actually dying for real ¡ª but there were two hot chicks who seemed to be pretty in to me, and each other. That¡¯s got to be worth a gamble, right? ¡°Then let¡¯s go!¡± said the two girls in unison. As far as we could see, the dimly lit corridor continued. Having no choice in the matter ¡ª unless we wished to engage in suicide via Giant Spider ¡ª we kept going to see where it went. I held one girl¡¯s hand with each of mine, and happily our threesome made our way forward. Barry had just told me that these two girls were also PCs ¡ª just like me ¡ª though they didn¡¯t seem to get that they were in a game. I decided to try and get to the bottom of it. ¡°Did anything strange happen to either of you this morning?¡± I asked. ¡°I had a fight with some spiders!¡± ¡°I got wrapped up in spider silk.¡± They were adorable, but they didn¡¯t always get me, you get me? ¡°What about before that. Before you met me?¡± ¡°Oh!¡± said Mandy, loudly. ¡°What?¡± I asked. ¡°I had the strangest dream this morning. I dreamt that I woke up and did all my usual morning routines ¡ª you know, eating my kale shake, yoga routine, my love-your-inner-goddess fingering¡ª¡± ¡°Loving your inner goddess?¡± exclaimed Kerry with apparent recognition and delight. Just what I was thinking! ¡°Oh yes. It¡¯s very healthy, for women. I read about it in a magazine, I do it every morning!¡± ¡°Me too!¡± yelled Kerry and gave a little jump. ¡°Perhaps we could help each other with that tomorrow morning,¡± I said. ¡°Good idea!¡± said Mandy. ¡°That must be more fun than doing it alone. I¡¯ll do you Mandy, and you can do me!¡± said Kerry. ¡°Yay!¡± ¡°And then you can both help me,¡±I announced boldly. Mandy shook her head. ¡°No, no, no.¡± ¡°Nope,¡± said Kerry. ¡°You read the same thing?¡± said Mandy to Kerry, talking across me now. ¡°Oh, yes. It¡¯s not good for men to pleasure themselves too much.¡± ¡°Right!¡± I frowned. This sucked. Still, maybe I could watch them. That would be some consolation. ¡°The article said women don¡¯t do it enough, and men do it too much.¡± ¡°Yep!¡± agreed Kerry. I most certainly did not do it too much. After all, can¡¯t have too much of a good thing, right? ¡°And then what happened?¡±I asked, to get Mandy back on track. ¡°Well, as I was saying, it was exactly like I was awake ¡ª every last thing ¡ª but then, when I went outside¡ª¡° ¡°In your dream,¡± clarified Kerry, ¡°Yes, in my dream, I went outside, I was walking down George Street and then¡­ SPLAT.¡± ¡°Oh my god. Did a beer truck back into you?¡± I asked, squeezing her hand. ¡°What?¡± said Kerry. ¡°Eh?¡± said Mandy, ¡°A beer truck? Why would you say that?¡± I shrugged. ¡°Just a guess.¡± ¡°No, a piano fell on my head.¡± ¡°A piano?¡± I exclaimed. ¡°Yes. A piano. And, I think I died in my dream.¡± ¡°Oh my God!¡± said Kerry, cutting in front of me and wrapping her arms around Mandy. ¡°That¡¯s just awful.¡± I squeezed Mandy¡¯s arm. ¡°Well, you look pretty good for a dead girl,¡± I comforted her. ¡°And what about you, Kerry?¡± ¡°Well, I¡¯ve been having this recurring dream lately, it¡¯s the darnedest thing.¡± ¡°Wow that sounds interesting,¡± said Mandy. ¡°Well, every day I wake up in bed with Schizo¡ª¡° ¡°¡ªWait, he¡¯s your... boyfriend?¡± I asked. ¡°No, we just like to save money by sharing a bed,¡± she said, and then after a pause she punched me on the arm. ¡°Yes of course he¡¯s my boyfriend, doofus.¡± Well so-rry,¡± I said, waving my hands defensively. ¡°Yeah. Well. He was. I think he¡¯s gone off me now though,¡± she said. ¡°Because of that whole asking me to kill you thing?¡± I asked. Kerry nodded sadly. ¡°I should have known it was coming though, because of my dream.¡± ¡°I love hearing about dreams!¡± said Mandy, twirling with excitement as she said it. I don¡¯t. I hate hearing about other peoples dreams with a vengeance. Hate it, hate it, hate it. At least Mandy¡¯s had been short. It doesn¡¯t have to be other people¡¯s dreams either. It can be dream sequences in movies, in books, in video games, in tv shows... I don¡¯t care where or who or what or how or why I really, really hate hearing about other people¡¯s dreams. ¡°What happened in your dream?¡± I asked, tenderly squeezing her arm. What? She¡¯s a hot chick. Leave me be! My main problem with dreams is that they are not real, and thus have no freakin¡¯ point to them. Ooh a character dreamed of night and that represents their inner sorrow. Fuck that shit. If you want to show me their inner sorrow have them sit on the bed and cry and then jump out the window. Dreams are stupid. ¡°The last few days, every morning, I¡¯ve been dreaming that Schizo has been strangling me to death.¡± ¡°Had you been telling him about your dreams?¡± I suggested. Although I¡¯ve never strangled anyone to death, I reckon if they kept telling me their dreams every damn day I might be tempted. Mandy and Kerry looked at me with a look somewhere between confusion and disdain. ¡°No, no, this was the dream, silly,¡± said Kerry. ¡°I think it must represent something,¡± said Mandy, tapping her chin thoughtfully. ¡°Maybe it represents the ¡®death¡¯ of your relationship,¡± I said. The two girls both went ooh as if my insight was revelatory, when clearly it was obvious. ¡°It¡¯s very strange. It actually feels really real, like, I can actually feel my windpipe being crushed, being unable to breathe. I can hear him saying ¡®Come on, give it to me, give me that life insurance policy payout¡¯.¡± ¡°Huh. How weird,¡± I said. ¡°And then what happens?¡± asked Mandy, ¡°Do you fly away? Do you escape?¡± Kerry shook her head sadly. ¡°No, the oddest thing happens. Green words appear in the air above my vision, and it says >You have shrugged off this mortal coil. ¡°Weird, huh?¡± Oh. Oh shit. ¡°Umm, Kerry,¡± I said, ¡°I don¡¯t think you were dreaming.¡± The two girls both gave me inquisitive looks. ¡°I think he actually killed you. But you respawned back in bed with him. He probably thought he was going crazy when you kept coming back.¡° ¡°Respawn? Like frog spawn?¡± said Kerry with her head tilted so far I was worried she might fall over. ¡°Ooh! I get it! It¡¯s like a metaphor, the circle of life. We¡¯re all jelly-like frogspawn and then we become tadpoles and then frogs and then we die!¡± exclaimed Mandy in one breathless spout of bollocks. ¡°Wait, what?¡± I said, blinking my eyes in confusion. ¡°I don¡¯t get it,¡± said Kerry. ¡°No... nor do I,¡± said Mandy sadly. ¡°No. Listen up. You, me, Mandy, even Schizo... we¡¯re in a game. Somehow. I don¡¯t really understand what¡¯s happened to us but we¡¯re in some kind of fake Earth, and we¡¯re all in it together.¡± ¡°Nah,¡± said Mandy. ¡°No way,¡± said Kerry. I muttered under my breath. ¡°Ummm do you really not get it? I know it sounds unbelievable, but you do recall doing magic just now, right? With the healing and the fire on my sword and all of that?¡± ¡°I told you, I took Reiki classes,¡± said Kerry defensively. ¡°I¡¯ve always been very in touch with my spiritual side,¡± said Mandy. ¡°But, but... there¡¯s no such thing as magic!¡± Mandy held out two hands in front me and a cool but flickering ball of blue-red fire appeared, then jumped in the air above our heads improving the lighting situation immeasurably. ¡°Is too,¡± said Mandy with a pout. ¡°But, but... you never did that before, right? When you were a kid you weren¡¯t throwing around fire balls were you? Kerry, you weren¡¯t healing sick puppies with magic hands as a kindergartner, right?¡± Both girls shrugged. ¡°I never tried before,¡± said Mandy, ¡°I bet I could have if I wanted.¡± ¡°I only just started my healing course,¡± argued Kerry, ¡°so of course I couldn¡¯t do it before.¡± ¡°Arrrgh!¡± I screamed in frustration and then pretended to bang my head on the stone wall, but I missed. When I say I missed, I mean that I missed missing, and instead of pretending to hit my head ,I actually did. Hard. >You hit wall for -15 damage. I fell over, clutching my forehead. So tough and manly, right? Before I could get up Kerry was above me, holding two stupid magic hands either side of my head and making me feel amazing. My HP began to soar up again, and then she pecked me on the lips with an electric little kiss. Fully recovered, I vowed to injure myself more often. ¡°You were probably just too close-minded before, Jamie,¡± said Mandy, crouching down next to me and caressing my cheek with the back of her hand. ¡°Well, what about when we were fighting the spiders. Didn¡¯t you see the text flying by? All the ¡¯You hit baby spider for 5 damage!¡¯ or ¡®Combat engaged¡¯ and what have you? When you look at me, don¡¯t you see ¡®Jamie¡¯ floating above my head?¡± Kerry giggled. Mandy stroked my cheek some more. ¡°That wall really did a number on you!¡± ¡°No! It didn¡¯t! It didn¡¯t! I¡¯m telling you...¡± I said, my voice trailing off when I realized I was all out of arguments. It seemed the two girls had also not been ¡®setup¡¯ properly and weren¡¯t seeing any of the game information. ¡°Well. Anyway. Aren¡¯t you shocked by,¡± I waved my hands around to indicate the stone hallway we were in and the spiders behind us, ¡°all of this?¡± Both girls giggled again. ¡°I always knew there was much more to the world than we see day to day,¡± said Mandy. ¡°Totally!¡± agreed Kerry enthusiastically, ¡°I think most people just don¡¯t open their eyes, they¡¯re too narrow minded.¡± Mandy nodded in agreement. ¡°But, but...¡± I logically and soundly argued. ¡°Come on, up you get,¡± said Mandy grabbing my upper arm and lifting me up. ¡°Let¡¯s carry on.¡± ¡°It sure is an adventure, isn¡¯t it?¡± said Kerry. ¡°It literally is,¡± I said. ¡°And I¡¯m literally going to starve to death if we don¡¯t eat soon. I haven¡¯t had anything since my LMGMSS this morning,¡± said Kerry. ¡°Your what?¡± I asked. Mandy squealed. ¡°A Lean Mean Green Machine Super-Shake! I had one of those too!¡± ¡°Well ,we won¡¯t find anywhere to eat here, will we,¡± I said condescendingly. I stood up, and made to lead us onward down the passageway. ¡°Look!¡± said Kerry, after¡­ oooh¡­ about five more seconds of walking. ¡°Daylight!¡± The dark passageway began to grow a little lighter. In the distance there was a soft, white glow coming our way that reminded me of sunlight. This was fortunate, because if it hadn¡¯t reminded me of sunlight there would have been something seriously wrong with my brain. Which there probably was anyway. Up ahead the mysterious passageway appeared to open out into sunshine. We kept going, walking close together as we approached what appeared to be an exit of some kind. ¡°Where do you think we¡¯re going to end up?¡± asked Mandy. ¡°I hope it¡¯s the sea,¡± said Kerry excitedly. ¡°It¡¯s not going to be the sea,¡± I said confidently, ¡°we¡¯re in a passageway in a mountain or mine or dungeon or something. I¡¯m sure we¡¯re miles and miles from the sea.¡± ¡°Come on, come on,¡± said Mandy, tugging at both mine and Kerry¡¯s arms. ¡°Alright, alright,¡± I said and we all hurried up. I was wary of meeting more spiders ¡ª giant or baby, or perhaps some other creature that would want to kill us. Or Schizo. You never know, right? But Mandy¡¯s enthusiasm must have warded off any creatures that wanted to do us harm. ¡°Look! Look outside!¡± said Mandy, excitedly. I looked and became annoyed. The sight before me was exactly what I didn¡¯t want to see. Not because it was bad, or dangerous. But because it made me look somewhat like a fool. You can probably guess what we saw. Yep. That¡¯s right. The bloody sea. Outside we were presented with a stunning vista. We exited out onto a fragrant smelling wild flower-carpeted hillside which led down to a massive body of water that had all the hallmarks of being the ocean. In the distance, a small village could be seen which was no doubt packed with inns even more delightful than The Collywobbler and a range of other rustic dining options. ¡°See! I knew we¡¯d find somewhere to eat!¡± squealed Kerry in excitement. ¡°It¡¯s the ocean! The ocean! Oh, how wonderful!¡± cried Mandy. ¡°I can feel my spirits and body reviving already!¡± said Kerry. ¡°The ocean is very spiritual, isn¡¯t it?¡± said Mandy, hands on hips and staring in awe. ¡°Yeah, yeah, it¡¯s great,¡± I said begrudgingly. I wanted to add that Brighton was much more picturesque, but I really couldn¡¯t do that in good faith. The view really was stunning and the ocean had a sparkle to it that Brighton and its rock just couldn¡¯t match. Well, at least I¡¯d get to see some hot chicks in the sea, I consoled myself, as we stepped out into the light. >stats Name: Jamie Level: 3 HP: 125/125 MP: 0/0 SP: 12/12 Strength: 7 Attack: 7 Defense: 7 Intelligence: 7 Wisdom: 7 Charm: 7 Stealth: 7 Exp: 90 / 200 You need 110 more exp for Level 4! Gold: 21 >quests Current Quests: Real Real Life: ? 1) Meet Schizo and collect package.(COMPLETE) ? 2) Deliver package to ocean (Kill Kerry). (IN PROGRESS) ? 3) Do not allow companion Kerry to die. (IN PROGRESS) The Kingdom of Realmland: ??? Chapter 09: The Hell is a Redcap? We exited the stone hallway onto the side of a lush, verdant green hillside overlooking what appeared to be the sea, and in the distance a picturesque looking village. ¡°Oh my goodness,¡± said Mandy, ¡°it¡¯s spectacular!¡± ¡°It¡¯s amazing,¡± said Kerry, ¡°I never knew Croydon could be so beautiful.¡± ¡°You do know we¡¯re not in Croydon anymore, right?¡± I asked her. She just shook her head and smiled. Directly leading out from the cave was a path which wound its way down the hillside to the bottom of the valley below, where it appeared to join a road which led all the way to the edge of the sea and then, hugging the coastline, made its way around to the distant village. ¡°Okay, let¡¯s head down there, and make our way over to that village,¡± I said, pointing in the distance. ¡°It shouldn¡¯t take us more than an hour or two to get there.¡± ¡°Can we swim in the sea?¡± asked Mandy, her eyes alight. ¡°I didn¡¯t bring my bikini,¡± said Kerry, with a sad sigh. ¡°That¡¯s okay, we¡¯ll go skinny-dipping,¡± said Mandy with a mischievous grin. ¡°That will be much more fun anyway, won¡¯t it?¡± she said nudging me. ¡°Oh, yes,¡± I answered, and, having a good understanding of what these girls were like now, I thoughtfully added, ¡°and of course, it¡¯s much more natural to just have your skin against the water without any annoying, unnatural fabric ruining such a primal and spiritual experience.¡± Both girls made sounds of understanding and agreement, clearly impressed with my innate wisdom. Who said I only had 5 wis? ¡°The only problem is, I really am getting hungry now,¡± said Mandy,¡°I don¡¯t know if I even could swim.¡± ¡°Look,¡± said Kerry, pointing about three quarters of the way down the hillside, just above the road, ¡°there¡¯s a farmhouse down there. Maybe they¡¯ll give us something to eat.¡± ¡°Good idea,¡± I said knowledgeably, nodding my head, ¡°usually a place like that will just give you something to eat. Or, we can just loot the place if no one¡¯s home.¡± ¡°Loot the place?¡± questioned Mandy. ¡°Won¡¯t they be upset ?¡± said Kerry. ¡°No, no, no,¡± I said as I began to explain, ¡°it doesn¡¯t really matter, you see, no matter how much food we take, it will just regen again later,¡± I said. The two girls looked at me dubiously. ¡°¡®Regen¡¯¡­ ¡®respawn¡¯¡­ you say a lot of strange things, Jamie,¡± said Mandy, clearly thinking back to what must have been a rather unclear explanation earlier. ¡°Look,¡± I told them, ¡°all you need to know is that in this case, it¡¯s fine. I understand what you mean. If we were to do this in Croydon ¡ª you know, wandering in to someone¡¯s house or business, and taking all their stuff, that would be considered ¨C and rightfully so ¡ª stealing. But it doesn¡¯t matter here, it¡¯s just a game, their food will come back magically.¡± ¡°Hmm¡­¡± began Kerry, ¡°if it¡¯s going to come back magically, I guess that¡¯s alright. This definitely isn¡¯t a game, but you do seem to have some understanding of how the world works here.¡° ¡°Yes, I suppose so,¡± said Mandy. ¡°Anyway, don¡¯t worry. I¡¯ve got some gold. We¡¯ll try to buy food from the farmhouse if we can. Is that all right with you two?¡± The two of them nodded happily, and we set off down the hill, along the beautiful footpath. I didn¡¯t mention that if we did pay for the food I¡¯d probably whack the farmer after to get the gold back and whatever other sweet loot they¡¯d drop. I could really do with a sword upgrade though, I thought. We wound our way down the path, kicking up little puffs of dust from the track when we stumbled on the loose stones that abounded. It seemed that this path didn¡¯t get all that much use. That did seem a little strange, since you¡¯d think people would surely be wanting to go to the Hall of Portals all the time. But maybe they had a better route, or perhaps they didn¡¯t know about it, like I had apparently not known about the portal in the basement of Churchill House. We made quicker progress than I thought we would. Both girls seemed to be quite at ease hiking in the strange valley after what was really quite an eventful day. Nothing seemed to faze them. ¡°Almost there,¡± said Mandy, pointing towards the farmhouse. We were now almost directly above it, just a little higher up on the hillside than the dwelling. There were just two more switchbacks on the path down before we would reach it. We could now see the building more clearly,its most distinguishing feature being a long, spindly chimney poking out the top of its roof, and a swirling trail of smoke winding out the top of it, up, up, up until eventually it seemed to merge into the fluffy cottonwool clouds above. The overall effect of the cottage¡¯s ramshackle country appearance was a delightful feeling of homeliness. Even though we¡¯d never been here before, it felt like if you knocked on the door a beaming grandmother would hustle you in and begin force-feeding you tea and crumpets and honey and jam and bread with fresh butter followed by a just-baked cake and strawberries with lashings of cream. ¡°Come on!¡± said Mandy, ¡°I¡¯ve got a really good feeling about this,¡± she finished with a grin. ¡°Me too,¡± said Kerry, ¡°I think we gonna find someone really wonderful in there.¡± After another five minutes of walking, during which I make sure to carefully guide the girls around the tight corners, offering my hand for support and gentle touches to guide them around stumbling blocks, we finally made it to the farmhouse. At this point, we were just above the more substantial looking road that went on to curve around the coast. This path led from the road, to the farmhouse cottage, and then up and up to where we¡¯d come from, out of the cave that led to the Hall of Portals. The door was slightly ajar when we arrived, just a few inches cracked open, as if to say ¡®Welcome All Travelers¡¯. Kerry rapped softly on the door. ¡°There¡¯s nobody what wants seeing here,¡± said a gruff male voice from within. And when I say gruff, I don¡¯t mean a kind-hearted-but-gruff grandfather, I mean the kind of gruff you get from a convict who¡¯s spent most of his life in prison for bashing someone¡¯s head in after they looked at him funny. So much for a friendly grandmother. I fingered the hilt of my wooden sword, ready to whip it out at a moment¡¯s notice. ¡°We¡¯re hungry,¡± said Mandy through the crack in the door, ¡°I don¡¯t suppose you could sell us some food, could you? Just some lunch?¡± ¡°There¡¯s nobody what wants seeing here,¡± said the gruff voice again, with exactly the same intonation as before. I began to get a hunch. This guy was clearly hiding something. Was this a mini-quest? ¡°Hey!¡± I yelled, ¡°we want some lunch. Are you going to give it to us?¡± I shouted loudly ¡°Or are we going to have to take it?¡± My firm words had an effect. There was a sound of furniture moving, squeaking as it scraped across the floor, almost sounding like a squeal of complaint, before heavy footsteps made their way toward us. We were stood three abreast, me in the middle, Kerry to my right, and Mandy on my left. Both girls pushed themselves close against me in nervousness as the clunking footsteps drew close. I guess their predictions of a friendly meeting were not something they were any longer confident in. With a start we all jumped back as the door swung open rapidly, but any view we may have had within was instantly blocked by the large figure of a man in front of us. >Elrick Level 5 (HP 180/180) I checked my own stats again. >stats Name: Jamie Level: 3 HP: 125/125 MP: 0/0 SP: 12/12 Strength: 7 Attack: 7 Defense: 7 Intelligence: 7 Wisdom: 7 Charm: 7 Stealth: 7 Exp: 90 / 200 You need 110 more exp for Level 4! Gold: 21 He was a big stocky figure, and if he wasn¡¯t in a farmhouse you would have taken him to be a blacksmith. He had the thick forearms and heavy apron of that trade, though his disposition was even less friendly than that of a standard NPC farmer or blacksmith. ¡°There¡¯s nobody what wants seeing here,¡±said the man, repeating himself for the third time ¡ª or, more likely, the three thousandth or more. ¡°Do you have any bread ? Some cheese? A light lunch? We can pay,¡± I said, withdrawing a few golden coins from my pocket and waving them in front of him. People love it when you flash money in front of them. ¡°Something smells good,¡± said Kerry, flirtatiously winking at the man as she spoke. I did not wince as a pang of jealousy definitely didn¡¯t hit me. He cocked his head at her, but didn¡¯t say anything. ¡°Is that some kind of stew I can smell?¡± asked Kerry. ¡°And bread?¡± said Mandy, hopefully. I inhaled deeply myself, and sure enough, they were right. I really could smell some stew, bread, and other delicious aromas wafting out, as well as the heavy scent of smoke from a roaring fire. Usually game designers just focus on the visuals, and forget about all the other senses ¡ª which is understandable considering that, as far as I knew, apart from rumble packs the other senses were not normally something game designers even could code for. This game was something special. If it wasn¡¯t my imagination, there may even have been a hint of strawberry in the air ¡ª was he making a big batch of strawberry jam? That would be lovely slathered on top of some bread with some fresh butter as well. My mouth began to salivate. ¡°There¡¯s nothing for you to see here. Go away,¡± he said, utilizing a fresh line of dialogue. ¡°I think he¡¯s hiding something,¡± I said to the two girls. ¡°Do you think so?¡± asked Kerry. ¡°I agree,¡± said Mandy. ¡°I really think he is hiding something.¡± She turned to speak directly to the NPC¡¯s face. What is it? What are you hiding in there, Mister ?¡± she said and gave him a playful nudge on the shoulder.Support creative writers by reading their stories on Royal Road, not stolen versions. ¡°There¡¯s nothing for you to see here. Go away or suffer the consequences,¡± he said, neatly adding four extra words to his line. ¡°Consequences? What consequences ?¡± I asked him sternly. ¡°I¡¯m just going to have a quick look,¡± Kerry whispered toward me, loud enough that both Mandy and I could hear. The gruff farmer gave no reaction. Kerry suddenly burst forward, slipping underneath the man¡¯s arm which he had rested against the doorframe, and disappearing inside. ¡°Hey! Come back here! You¡¯ll be sorry!¡° The man turned around and started to follow Kerry, shambling after her with heavy, angry footsteps. ¡°Come on,¡± said Mandy grabbing my arm, ¡°let¡¯s stay together.¡± ¡°Oh my God!¡± cried Kerry from within. Mandy and I hurried behind to see what Kerry had discovered. ¡°You¡¯re a very bad man!¡± shouted Kerry from within. We couldn¡¯t quite see her yet as we hurried forward due to the bulk of the farmer shuffling ahead of us. ¡°This is a private matter. Leave us alone,¡± said the man. Just behind him we could see what the matter was, and why Kerry was so indignant. The inside of the cottage was made up of one large room, part of it divided into a kind of living area, and the whole back wall being dedicated toward a kitchen section which was dominated by an incredibly deep and wide cooking hearth. In the hearth was a roaring fire which was rapidly heading toward becoming a bed of glowing embers, red and white hot and ready to cook. On each end of the cooking fire were two thick and heavy metal supports which were topped in U-shaped holders, ready for a substantial spitroast. Just next to the fire, tied to a long metal spit which leaned against the wall, was lunch. And lunch did not look happy. Lunch, it seemed, was the source of Kerry¡¯s indignation. >Smiley Level 3 [HP 125/125] >Quest Unlocked: Save Smiley! It was, what appeared to be, a girl. Being a classic English gentleman I was too concerned about her plight to notice her soft, light-almond skin, the flatness of her stomach, the gentle curves of the hills on her chest or the delightful plump firmness of her buttocks. She was dressed very lightly, though perhaps that was due to the farmer¡¯s dinner preparations. All she was wearing on her body were two insubstantial pieces of black leather, one of which had been fashioned into a tiny pair of shorts, and the other covering her breasts with a long rectangular piece of the leather which was somehow tied at the back. The clothing didn¡¯t so much cover her modesty, as hawk it out. Her head, however, was a different matter. Her face was, of course, lovely ¡ª she had fiery pale-green eyes, a cute little nose, just a light dusting of freckles, and an endearing piece of cloth shoved in her mouth and another wrapped around it and tied behind her head to keep it in place in a way that shouted out help, help, I¡¯m a sexy helpless maiden that needs rescuing, brave warrior Jamie! Come save me and I¡¯ll reward you with all the pleasures of the flesh you can imagine! And gold and wine and unique relics! I may have been reading just a little too much into the gag, though. ¡°Wow,¡± said Mandy appreciatively. ¡°I know!¡± I agreed. ¡°I thought you couldn¡¯t see auras,¡± she said suspiciously. ¡°Errr. I wasn¡¯t talking about her aura, I was talking about her¡­ y¡¯know.¡± Mandy cocked her head and looked at the girl again as if for the first time. ¡°She is rather scrumptious, isn¡¯t she?¡± she said. The lunch-girl made some moaning noises of complaint from underneath her gag. ¡°Don¡¯t worry! We¡¯ll save you!¡± I announced loudly to her. ¡°And I love her hat,¡± said Mandy. Atop the girl¡¯s jet black hair, which appeared to hang to around shoulder-length, was a faded cone-shaped hat, round at the brim, which extended to a point. The hat was a kind of greyish-pink, and the peak of it hung down sadly on her bare shoulder, the point just about touching her leather ¡®top¡¯ (if there was enough of it to justify so grand a term as ¡®top¡¯). The girl muttered another moan of complaint under her gag. I turned to face the farmer. He was stood with his hands-on his hips and a stern look on his face. ¡°Were you really going to cook her ?¡± I asked incredulously. ¡°You really are a monster,¡± said Mandy. ¡°You¡¯re a very naughty man!¡±said Kerry, stamping her foot. ¡°We¡¯re going to save you,¡± she said to the lunch, who made an appreciative nod and moan. ¡°Wait!¡± said the farmer. ¡°Let me explain!¡± ¡°Ha. Go on then,¡± I said. Mandy and Kerry frowned at me. They apparently didn¡¯t want to hear what the farmer had to say. ¡°Let¡¯s just see what he says,¡± I told them. ¡°We might learn something.¡± ¡°That,¡± said the farmer waving his forearm in the direction of Smiley, ¡°is no girl.¡± Kerry frowned, Mandy smirked, and I raised my eyebrows to see where this is going. ¡°It is a redcap. And redcaps are bad luck,¡± said the farmer firmly. ¡°So, you¡¯re going to eat her?¡± ¡°It¡¯s not a her,¡± said the farmer again. ¡°I have to sacrifice the redcap for a good harvest. I¡¯ll put her on the spit and slowly cook her. The smoke from my chimney will reach the Heavens and I¡¯ll receive the blessings of the god Nimda. You can join me if you like?¡± >Quest Unlocked: Sacrifice Smiley! ¡°What¡¯s the reward for sacrificing her?¡± I asked. Kerry shot me a look that would have frozen the balls off a lesser man, and possibly even me, but I was distracted by Mandy smacking me across the face. ¡°Hey!¡± I complained, ¡°I¡¯m just trying to figure out all the options here.¡± ¡°If we sacrifice the redcap we¡¯ll have a wonderful harvest!¡± said the farmer. ¡°Meh,¡± I told him. ¡°I do not understand,¡± he replied. ¡°Not really interested in farming and harvesting right now. We¡¯re on a quest, you see,¡± I explained. ¡°Then leave me alone. You are not welcome here.¡± ¡°How about you, leave her alone,¡± said Mandy indignantly. ¡°Tell you what. If that girl is happy to be sacrificed, we¡¯ll let you go ahead. Does that sound fair?¡± The two not-tied-up girls flashed their eyes at me angrily. The farmer made no response, he just kept his hands on his hips and glared angrily. ¡°Hey! Smiley!¡± I yelled. The tied up girl looked at me sternly. ¡°This farmer wants to burn you alive. You cool with that?¡± The girl furiously shook her head. ¡°Of course she doesn¡¯t want to be burned!¡± said Mandy. ¡°Just checking,¡± I said, ¡°you never know. She might have been some kind of Phoenix,¡± I said with a shrug. ¡°A phoenix? Like from mythology?¡± said Kerry, ¡°They¡¯re not real!¡± I clasped my head in my hands. Real. Not real. Admittedly I myself wasn¡¯t entirely sure about what was real or not, but I was damn sure that this all a game and Smiley could be a dragon or a phoenix or an earthworm-shifter for all we knew. ¡°Sorry,¡± I said, turning to the farmer again, ¡°we¡¯re not going to let you burn, cook, or sacrifice her.¡± The farmer frowned. ¡°This is your last chance. I can make a deal. Just give me one eye, one hand and one breast for my sacrifice and I¡¯ll let you all go!¡± said the farmer indignantly. ¡°It¡¯s my final offer.¡± Smiley shook her head frantically in a way that seemed to say WTF hell no you crazy fucking farmer. Mandy and Kerry also shook their heads in emphatic fuck no¡¯s. ¡°Yeah. We¡¯re not going to do that,¡± I began. ¡°You leave me no choice!¡± >Combat Engaged The farmer grabbed a cleaver off the kitchen table and swung it at me. I jumped back to avoid the blow, but I wasn¡¯t agile enough and the farmer buried the blade in my left arm, before yanking it out again with a horrible slopping sound as blood flew everywhere. >Elrick cleaves you for 22 damage! ¡°Ow! Ow! Ow!¡± I complained. I yanked my wooden sword out of my belt with my uninjured hand and waved it in the direction of Kerry, who, understanding immediately, waved her hands over it and set it alight with magic fire. ¡°My arm¡­¡± I said in a manly, tough-guy way. I most definitely did not sound like a whining crybaby. Really! Kerry held two hands in front of her and directed a healing beam toward me which I sucked up gratefully. She then turned her attention to Smiler, and began working with some more magic flames to release her, as she had done when Mandy was caught in the Giant Spider¡¯s web. >You hit Elrick for 3 damage! >Elrick burns for 5 damage! Argh! My sword was barely grazing Elrick, and he was healing more rapidly than the damage I was dishing out. The bastard swung at me again, and this time I managed to jump out the way. >Elrick swings at you and misses! >You hit Elrick for 5 damage! >Elrick burns for 4 damage! >Elrick cleaves you for 13 damage! This time the bastard got me in my leg after going for a low swing. I limped a step backwards. ¡°Little help?¡± I said to Mandy. She was staring at her hands, in which were a glowing ball of fire which was growing by the second. >You hit Elrick for 5 damage! >Elrick cleaves you for 25 damage! ¡°Bollocks! Mandy! Chuck that fireball!¡± ¡°How??¡± she said again as the fireball grew. ¡°Kerry!¡± I shouted to get her attention. Using her magic flames Kerry had released Smiler from her bindings and was now undoing her gag using her fingers. When she heard my yell she looked up at me and a shocked Oh! burst out from her lips. She stood and pointed her hands at me, focussing hard as she sent another stream of healing energy toward me. Smiler stretched out and then used her own fingers to start undoing her gag. >You hit Elrick for 3 damage! >Elrick burns for 5 damage! Argh! My sword was barely grazing Elrick, and his health was regenerating more rapidly than the damage I was dishing out. >Elrick Level 5 [HP 172/180] >You swing at Elrick and miss. >Elrick cleaves you for 32 damage! Damnit. If it wasn¡¯t for Kerry¡¯s healing I¡¯d be dead already. And hadn¡¯t Turnip said it was for realsies now? ¡°I think we¡¯re going to have to run!¡± I shouted. ¡°Maybe if I just throw this...¡± said Mandy, who was now holding a really quite massive fireball in her hands. ¡°Do it! Do it!¡± I yelled in frustration. She hadn¡¯t even tried to throw it? What had she been doing, Just playing with it? These players suck. >Smiler has joined your party! Stepping backward, dripping blood everywhere from a multitude of wounds, I watched in delighted astonishment as Mandy with surprising grace threw a beachball-sized ball of fire at Elrick the farmer. >Mandy casts fireball! It shot across the room directly into Elrick¡¯s chest, and then seemed to burst and flow all over him, covering him in fire. >Mandy burned Elrick for 125 damage! >Elrick is on fire! >Elrick burns for 15 damage! ¡°Whoah! Awesome!¡± I yelled. ¡°Take this you corn-farming bastard!¡± >You hit Elrick for 3 damage >Elrick burns for 5 damage! >Smiler attacked Elrick! I sucked up more of Kerry¡¯s life-saving healing andtook in a deep breath. Smiler moved to attack the farmer and, miracle of miracles, drew his focus. >Elrick swings at Smiler but misses! Well that wasn¡¯t fair! He hit me every time. She must be better at dodging, I figured, she must have a ton of points in agility. >Smiler used flurry! As I watched, Smiler snatched a knife off the kitchen counter and jumped toward the farmer, flying toward him like he was a magnet and she was a super-sexy, leather-bikini-clad iron filing holding a knife. >Smiler stabbed Elrick for 5 damage! >Smiler stabbed Elrick for 7 damage! > Smiler stabbed Elrick for 2 damage! >Smiler stabbed Elrick for 9 damage! >Smiler stabbed Elrick for 4 damage! Her hand was like lightning, seeming to flicker in and out of existence as again and again she buried her knife into the flesh of the farmer. Thanks to Kerry¡¯s rapid healing, I was feeling a bit better. >You hit Elrick for 5 damage! >Elrick burns for 7 damage! >Elrick is on fire! Elrick burns for 9 damage! >Smiler used CAPOFF! The farmer fell to the floor, on the verge of death, while Smiler jumped on top of him, kneeling across his waist and leaning down toward his head. ¡°I wish that was me,¡± I said to myself so quietly that no one could hear. Mandy smacked me on the arm. Ok,ay someone could hear. Smiler reached up and pulled off her hat and held it up to Elrick¡¯s neck, while with her other hand she drew the knife across Elrick¡¯s neck. Blood sprayed out of the neck like a fountain, all of it magically flying toward Smiler¡¯s hat which rapidly began to change color from pinkish-white to a dark, crimson red, the color of wet blood. >You have killed Elrick! >You got 110 experience! >You found 12 gold! >LEVEL UP >QUEST COMPLETED: Save Smiler >You gained 200 experience > You found 21 gold! >QUEST FAILED: Sacrifice Smiler All of a sudden the blood-spray thankfully ceased and the corpse exploded into dozens of red shards that spread up and away before disappearing. ¡°Whew!¡± I said, ¡°that was a tough one!¡± The girls murmured their agreement. I turned to Smiler, the newest member of our party. The girl sat crosslegged on the floor next to where the corpse had been, clutching her Red Hat up to her mouth which was now cherry red. ¡°Umm, what was that ?¡± I asked her. ¡°That thing at the end¡­¡± ¡°Oh¡­ I was.. umm¡­ hungry?¡± she said as if her answer was a question. ¡°Your hat is almost as amazing as your aura!¡± said Kerry. ¡°Your hat has an aura,¡± said Mandy, ¡°and its lovely!¡± There certainly was something weird about the hat. It had seemed to suck all the life ¡ª and color ¡ª out of Elrick¡¯s blood just before he disappeared. Where before it had hung limply down on her shoulder, it now stood up straight and proud atop her head and almost seemed to glow with crimson vibrancy. ¡°It¡¯s my red cap,¡± said Smiler, ¡°I have a red cap because I¡¯m a redcap,¡± she said in explanation. ¡°I see!¡± said Kerry with a happy clap. ¡°How wonderful,¡± exclaimed Mandy, ¡°what¡¯s your name?¡± ¡°Her name¡¯s Smiler,¡± I said, ¡°look, it says it right above her head¡­¡± They all looked at me like I was mad. ¡°Well, he¡¯s right about my name. I guess he¡¯s psychic?¡± asked Smiler. The other two girls nodded. ¡°He¡¯s very in touch with his spiritual side,¡± explained Mandy, ¡°he can really read people well.¡± ¡°Oh that must be useful, since he can¡¯t fight,¡± said Smiler. ¡°Hey!¡± I interrupted, ¡°I¡¯m a great warrior! Smiler giggled and after a brief flash of confusion across their faces the other two girls joined in. Soon all three of them were laughing at my apparent lack of combat prowess. ¡°Alright, let¡¯s get something to eat,¡± I said, raising my eyebrows and nodding my head toward Smile to indicate that she was included. ¡°No!¡± she screamed and waved the knife in front of her threateningly. ¡°Not you, silly,¡± said Kerry, stroking Smiler¡¯s arm. ¡°I meant eat something together,¡± I told her, ¡°you¡¯re with us now.¡± ¡°Look! There¡¯s bread here, and a big pot of stew,¡± said Mandy. ¡°That stew isn¡¯t¡­ redcap, is it?¡± I asked Smiler. Her eyebrows shot up adorably. ¡°No, it is not redcap stew,¡± she said, ¡°it¡¯s cow stew. I saw him make it myself.¡± ¡°Cow stew? You mean beef stew? Like a casserole or perhaps a boeuf bourguignon?¡± ¡°I don¡¯t know dude I¡¯m not a Masterchef. There was a cow. He chopped it up. Now there¡¯s a stew.¡± I shrugged. ¡°Well then, let¡¯s eat!¡± I declared. Turnip > Dead yet? BDJ > Not quite asshole. Figured out how to get us back yet? Turnip > No. You ¡®vegot to do it. I tried to access Realmland but the admin is being a dick. BDJ > So leveling up and fighting the Giant Spider to get to the H of P is it, then? Turnip > Think so. But hurry up. The clock is ticking. BDJ > Clock? What clock? Turnip > Umm. N/m. Don¡¯t worry about it. BDJ > Now I¡¯m worried. Turnip > Just hurry up. AFK BDJ > Come back! BDJ > Hey! BDJ > Dick! ¡°Does he always do that with his hands?¡± asked Smiler. ¡°It¡¯s how he communicates with his spirit guide,¡± said Kerry. ¡°Wow. I wish I had a spirit guide,¡± said Smiler. I laughed. ¡°No, you don¡¯t. No you really don¡¯t,¡± I said twice and with an added chuckle to appear twice as cool. ¡°Now let¡¯s eat and get going. Time is of the essence! Apparently.¡± >stats Name: Jamie Level: 4 HP: 150/150 MP: 0/0 SP: 12/12 Strength: 7 Attack: 7 Defense: 7 Intelligence: 7 Wisdom: 7 Charm: 7 Stealth: 7 Exp: 200 / 350 You need 150 more exp for Level 5! Gold: 54