《Derek-Derek goes to hell》


 I - Kaboom

    Three chaps in high-vis jackets chucked Eve under the guillotine and strapped her arms down. The chap in orange rummaged elbow-deep through a crate of armbands. The chap in green scrubbed at the marks left on the blade by the previous sinner. The third chap cemented his authority by tightening his hardhat, clearing his throat and blunting a pencil into a clipboard whenever the other chaps dawdled.


    Before them gaped an abyss wider than a night sky and blacker than a politician''s heart. A chute hung over it from the business end of the guillotine. Hardhat booted a pebble over the edge, strained his ears against the silence of it not hitting any sort of bottom, then grunted and ticked a box off his checklist.


    ¡°Did you order in those bloody Nines or not?¡± said Orange-vis, plunging two arms and a leg into the pile of armbands.


    ¡°Keep your hair on.¡± Hardhat flipped through the clipboard. ¡°They were out of stock. Jus¡¯ turn a Six upside down.¡±


    ¡°A Six? They''re half the bloody weight!¡± Armbands erupted from the box as Orange threw his hands skyward.


    ¡°Won''t make no difference to her, will it?¡± Hardhat pointed at Eve, who lay under the guillotine over the abyss.


    Green-vis gawped at her arse as he polished his blade. ¡°You''re far too sweet to be headed to the ninth, love.¡±


    Eve struck; her leg leapt like a rattlesnake; knocked Green''s hand against the guillotine; sliced off his fingertips. He fell back, inches from the drop, clutching his bleeding hand.


    ¡°Ought to be more careful around Nines,¡± said Hardhat, pressing an accident at work form between the newly-formed stumps.


    Green replied by screaming.


    ¡°Cheer up, Reg. Heard of one bloke who lost his balls.¡± Orange ran over with a pair of armbands that sported the number 6 in permanent marker. ¡°Hat, can you get her legs?¡±Unauthorized use: this story is on Amazon without permission from the author. Report any sightings.


    Hardhat flopped onto them. Eve thrashed against him.


    ¡°Cor, I wish my missus was this lively,¡± he said as he clawed into the dirt.


    ¡°She¡¯s plenty lively, your missus. Just ain''t lively with you,¡± said Orange, face straining the same colour as his jacket.


    Green regained linguistic capability and put it to immediate use by shouting ¡°My hand, my hand, my hand!¡±


    ¡°Lucky you still got one,¡± said Orange. ¡°Heard of one bloke who lost his arsecrack.¡±


    ¡°You do talk utter shite,¡± said Hardhat, bobbing up and down as Eve thrashed her legs. ¡°Get a move on, lad, I feel like I''m on Dodgy Gary''s wave machine.¡±


    ¡°Ain''t easy getting a Six band on a Nine, boss. Gonna have to shunt it.¡±


    ¡°Then bloody well shunt it!¡±


    There was a crack as Orange broke Eve''s arm. She let out a faint sigh, the kind less suitable for reacting to intense pain and more suitable for remembering you forgot to buy milk. The first armband was on.


    Green went pale and emptied the contents of his stomach¡ªa bacon sarnie¡ªinto the abyss.


    ¡°Ain''t right, shunting a sweet petite like this,¡± said Orange, clambering over Eve. He grabbed her arm.


    ¡°That sweet petite got my fingers,¡± said Green. ¡°If I still had em, why, I''d go over there and give her a right shunting myself.¡±


    Eve''s broken arm contorted around on itself, shaking like a rabid dog. The armband began to inflate while she kicked at Hardhat.


    ¡°Lads...¡± said Hardhat.


    ¡°I''d shunt her toenails through her mouth, I would,¡± said Green. ¡°I''d shove her knuckles through her kidneys.¡±


    ¡°Ooh, someone''s getting lairy,¡± said Orange.


    The armband inflated so much that its seams quivered like ants along the rubbery surface.


    ¡°Lads...¡± said Hardhat.


    ¡°Why I''d, I''d, snap off all her cuticles,¡± said Green.


    ¡°Blimey, her cuticles? You''d go that far, would you?¡± asked Orange.


    ¡°Lads!¡± shouted Hardhat.


    ¡°KABOOM,¡± said Eve.


    The armband exploded. The force threw Hardhat back; he hit his head on the ground. Far off, his friends screamed as they plummeted further and further into the abyss. He jumped to his feet; gauged the distance to the van¡­ ten paces if he sprinted. Why had they parked so far away?


    Eve stretched her limbs skywards. A spiral-bound notebook appeared in her hands. She snapped it open and licked her lips.


    ¡°Won¡¯t you play with me, darling?¡± she purred.


    ¡°No time for games when you work double shifts. Speaking of which, I must be off, pipe¡¯s burst up in Old Town Square, kids¡¯ll be bloody swimming in it before long¡­¡± Hardhat backed away, hiding behind his clipboard.


    Eve flipped through her notebook in the same way a person unfamiliar with the alphabet might use a dictionary. Just as Hardhat shoved his keys into the van door, she tore out a page.

 II - Between

    ¡°BETWEEN,¡± said Eve.


    And then instead of looking at his reflection in the window, Hardhat was looking at her leathery face. He wheeled backwards and landed on his arse, thrusting the clipboard in front of him, whimpering softly.


    ¡°Alright,¡± he cried. ¡°I played a fair bit of chess when I was a lad, back before they sent me up the mine. I¡¯ll have to take black, though, cause I was never allowed to touch the white pieces, might¡¯ve got coal on ¡®em¡ª¡±


    ¡°Quiet,¡± Eve purred, and he was. She prised the checklist from his hands. ¡°I¡¯ve never seen a human with a playbook before.¡±


    A vein bulged on Hardhat¡¯s forehead; he angled his eyebrows like daggers. When he got up, it seemed to Eve as if he¡¯d doubled in muscle mass, his puffed out chest a chiselled rock.


    ¡°I¡¯ve got naught against you sinning, love,¡± said Hardhat. ¡°You can shove my lads into bottomless pits all you like, and me too, if that¡¯s your inclination. But nobody¡ªNOBODY¡ªtouches my clipboard. Not me missus, not me mates, and certainly not level nine demons!¡±


    He fumed there like a geyser. Sweat actually steamed off him.


    ¡°No wordplay, even now?¡± said Eve. ¡°Why does your species have to be so tedious? When are you going to learn that you have to use it¡­ or lose it?¡±


    She turned and, with all the fluidity of a cricket bowler, hurled Hardhat¡¯s prized possession into the abyss.


    ¡°No!¡± screamed Hardhat, launching a fist at her.


    ¡°GENTLY,¡± said Eve, parrying with her pocketbook. Hardhat¡¯s hand, which had thundered along like a freight train down a hill, suddenly felt as if it was pushing through custard. She laughed as he brushed against her cheek at a speed that would prompt most snails to overtake.Unauthorized duplication: this tale has been taken without consent. Report sightings.


    ¡°Should have pressed a verb to service there,¡± said Eve. ¡°Any sort of syllable, really.¡±


    ¡°Right,¡± yelled Hardhat. ¡°That¡¯s bang out of order. Where do you think we are, a playground? Go and get my clipboard¡­ BACK!¡±


    Lightning thundered, and then the comforting weight of the clipboard sat in Hardhat¡¯s grip. He straightened his helmet and cleared his throat. ¡°Was that you or¡­ quite right, you¡¯ve done a good deed today, miss,¡± he said. Much like his clipboard, he was a little taken aback.


    He opened the van door. ¡°Now I have to get going before that pipe ends up flooding Gaart. Wouldn¡¯t be right for the tourists if we rebranded to a canal city.¡±


    Eve pressed her talons to his throat, her nail-varnish smelling like rusty nails. ¡°So, a Prepositioner?¡± she purred. ¡°Closed class really is written all over your face. How dull.¡±


    Her pocketbook glowed an emerald green. ¡°You won¡¯t be any fun, and I can¡¯t have you going off and tattling. It¡¯s the void for you, my kitten!¡±


    ¡°Leave off,¡± said Hardhat. ¡°I don¡¯t do these jobs for a laugh. What¡¯s the point of me scraping by a living without a life? Look. Sod all this human-demon rubbish, fancy going out and grabbing a pint?¡±


    Eve¡¯s laugh sounded like a saw sawing on another saw. ¡°If you want to live, start dancing.¡±


    Then she said ¡°TOYBOX¡±.


    Dark forms sprung out of the ground, cracking it open even further. There were jesters, rocking horses, dolls, chess pieces, even a very confused videogame console, and they pranced around Hardhat, cackling at him and chanting. The toys pelted him with jumping jacks as sharp as caltrops. He blocked as many as he could with his clipboard, but one sliced open his arm.


    ¡°Is this how I¡¯m going to die, skewered open by bloody Hasbo and Fischer-Price?¡± shouted Hardhat.


    The plastic people whirled around him ever faster save one, the chess pawn who could only cross one crack at a time. Hardhat had always seen himself in that pawn. Bottom of the societal ladder, he was, biding his time until that big breakthrough, and then he¡¯d have rights, respect, money, the lot¡ªbut he¡¯d long buried that dream in soot. Left it underground.


    His heart seared in his chest, that vein in his forehead pumped and pumped, and he decided that, just before he died, he wasn¡¯t okay with slaving under an executions company for ten years and never once being given a recommendation for the one thing that would¡¯ve set it all right: a


    ¡°PROMOTION,¡± he bellowed.


    The pawn swept off her cloak, changed colour and drew a gleaming sword. Her crown flashed as she charged into the toys¡¯ ranks and cut them down like corn due for harvest.

 III - Halt

    Blood watered the dirt. The bodies fell down in a neat circle, stacked upon each other, and then the only toy left before the breathless Hardhat was the new queen, her sword pointed at Eve¡¯s neck.


    ¡°Adorable,¡± said Eve, loose posture still suggesting she was on a beach holiday. ¡°I wasn¡¯t expecting such a passionate counterattack.¡±


    ¡°They¡¯re all bastards, the lot of them!¡± cried Hardhat. ¡°Orange and Green and Bossman and--¡±


    ¡°HALT!¡± shouted a new, deep voice. By the sound of his heavy footfalls, he was in a hurry. Metal chinked together as the man ran over.


    To say Hardhat¡¯s body froze in place wouldn¡¯t be enough. It felt more as if someone had superglued together his bones, but because his lips still worked, he ignored it and continued his rant.


    ¡°¡­and the pubs are in on it, too,¡± he said, ¡°Go out for a pint with the bossman, he makes six times your wages, but he doesn¡¯t pay six times for the Carling, does he?¡±


    The newcomer thundered past the van. He wore chainmail and carried a poleaxe, which Hardhat found a bit anachronistic in light of the fact that he also wore sunglasses.


    ¡°¡¯Bout time they sent someone over,¡± said Hardhat. ¡°Give us a hand and pop her back under the guillotine.¡±


    ¡°Let her go,¡± said the knight. ¡°I won¡¯t let you harm a hair on this maiden¡¯s head!¡±


    ¡°Uh¡­¡± said Hardhat.


    ¡°Uh¡­¡± said the chess queen.


    ¡°Uh¡­¡± said Eve. ¡°Do you want to tell him, or should I?¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m not kidding around!¡± said the knight. ¡°Begone with your foul apparition!¡±


    Before the queen had time to react, he swung the poleaxe and decapitated her. She disapparated.This story has been taken without authorization. Report any sightings.


    ¡°Dirty cheating bugger,¡± said Hardhat, now invested in unsticking his limbs. ¡°You didn¡¯t move in an L shape.¡±


    ¡°Justice moves in straight lines!¡± The knight tapped him, but the poleaxe bounced ineffectually off Hardhat¡¯s hat.


    ¡°Ow! What did you go and do that for? Who are you, anyway?¡±


    The knight slammed the butt of his axe into the ground and saluted. ¡°You are speaking to the esteemed¡­ wait, you haven¡¯t heard of me?¡±


    ¡°Not had a spare moment to catch the missing nutter posters, sorry.¡±


    ¡°My name is Derek-Derek! Remember it well! I have trained long and hard in the mountains for the sake of justice¡ª¡±


    ¡°Did I hear that right?¡± Hardhat rubbed his head, afraid he may have been bonked a little too much. ¡°Derek¡­ Derek?¡±


    Derek-Derek nodded so deeply he ended up bowing. ¡°They speak of him in hushed whispers¡ªthe fearsome fighter Double D! Famous to all throughout the land, a very specific land actually, constituency just south of the A25, but at least very well known within that particular parish!¡±


    ¡°Interesting,¡± purred Eve. ¡°And I see you have a playbook.¡±


    ¡°I use my words for justice!¡± declared Derek-Derek, holding up a retro PDA. ¡°I trained long and hard throughout my gap year, and now consider myself ready for the working world!¡±


    A fly landed on Hardhat¡¯s nose. He tried to blow it away, but it wouldn¡¯t budge. The itch was unbearable.


    ¡°You¡¯re hired, lad,¡± he said, twitching. ¡°Here¡¯s your first sinner. She¡¯s a level 9, though, so you¡¯d best be careful, one chap already lost some fingers. Now howsabout you turn off that spell and let me scratch my bloody face?¡±


    ¡°Shadows fall over Derek-Derek¡¯s brow,¡± said Derek-Derek under the spotlight of the burning sun. ¡°You will leave this helpless maiden be.¡±


    ¡°Uh,¡± said Eve, grinning, flashing her fangs¡ªall twenty of them.


    ¡°Could you come over here and have a quick word, lad?¡± asked Hardhat in a low, discrete voice he often used in disciplinary meetings.


    ¡°I won¡¯t fall for such tricks!¡± shouted Derek-Derek, and then he bonked Hardhat on the head again. ¡°That¡¯s straight from the official villain playbook. I¡¯m surprised you haven¡¯t gone to the trouble of growing a twirly moustache! Now unhand this lady! LIBERTY!¡±


    Eve stretched as if warming up for a ten kilometre run, then licked her lips. She stepped forward. ¡°This world is mine.¡±


    ¡°You stupid bastard!¡± shouted Hardhat, struggling against his invisible restraints. ¡°That ¡®lady¡¯ of yours killed every man, woman and child in her county! You¡¯re the only one who could¡¯ve stopped her, and you just let her go!¡±


    ¡°Then¡­ THEN¡­¡± Derek-Derek dropped his poleaxe. ¡°You mean this isn¡¯t Canyon-B?¡±


    ¡°Canyon-A, I think you¡¯ll find. You must¡¯ve missed the turning up by that holly bush. Do it all the time, meself.¡±


    ¡°ACCIDENT, said Eve. She advanced on Hardhat, talons growing.

 IV - Empathy

    The van accidentally tumbled into the bottom of the ravine.


    ¡°Get me out of here, lad,¡± said Hardhat. ¡°Let me move, she¡¯s coming to get me!¡±


    ¡°My second prey!¡± declared Derek-Derek, scooping up his poleaxe. ¡°I killed a level two demon once. And then I spent two months in Barden hospital with broken arms!¡±


    ¡°Is that how you got your playbook?¡± Eve began to strangle Hardhat. ¡°Perhaps I misjudged.¡±


    ¡°Kssssxxshxhsx,¡± said Hardhat, because he was being strangled.


    ¡°Behold the tenets of a Barden Knight, defenders of humanity!¡± Derek-Derek ignited his PDA; its screen shot out a beam of light so blinding that it even illuminated the bottom of the pit, and down there was the patchwork of rolling fields that stitched together the first circle of hell.


    ¡°Hm?¡± Eve looked over in interest, but not enough to let go of Hardhat, whose head was going purple.


    Derek-Derek puffed his chest out and declared: ¡°Evil is born of one thing: a lack of EMPATHY!¡±


    And then Eve¡¯s head was going purple as well. She brought her hands to her neck, clawing at it, grasping at empty air; froth spewed from her mouth, the whites of her eyes engulfed her pupils, and finally, after coughing up a gallon of blood, she fell to the floor. And lay dead still.


    Hardhat took a long, deep breath of dry desert air.


    ¡°Is it over?¡± he asked. ¡°What the fuck did you do?¡±


    Derek-Derek tucked his PDA back into his pocket. ¡°Without air, she couldn¡¯t play a counter-word. Demons never think out their actions, because evil is fogging up their heads. When they realise the harm their actions have caused, they die, Mr. Construction Worker. Demons, demons don¡¯t have a right to live in this world!¡±


    ¡°Blimey.¡± Hardhat nudged the body with his steel-toe capped boot. ¡°A level-9 demon and all¡­ did you really pop its clogs?¡±


    ¡°Derek-Derek held the construction worker in his heavy gaze,¡± said Derek-Derek, avoiding all eye contact. ¡°There¡¯s a damsel that needs de-stressing over at Canyon-B. Do what you came here to do. Banish her.¡±Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on the original website.


    Hardhat nodded and poised his pen against his clipboard. ¡°Don¡¯t happen to have the time to the nearest second, do you?¡±


    ¡°Sorry.¡± The knight¡¯s armour chinked as he stepped away. ¡°The internal battery in my PDA died a long time ago. See you around, companion.¡±


    ¡°Never mind,¡± said Hardhat. ¡°I better hurry then¡ªalways hard to get a stool to yourself on playoffs night.¡±


    He stooped over to pick up the dead woman, hoisted her onto his shoulder, and then read the message she¡¯d been writing in her own blood.


    ¡°GOTCHA.¡±


    The two men suddenly became aware they were plummeting into the abyss. The last thing they heard before piercing the hell-barrier was Eve¡¯s laughter, and her saying again: ¡°This world is mine.¡±


    A burst of wind peeled back Hardhat¡¯s eyelids all while twisting his stomach into a knot. The ground was rushing up to meet them.


    ¡°Cast that spell again, lad!¡± he shouted. ¡°The empathy one!¡±


    ¡°EMPATHY¡±, said Derek-Derek. His PDA shattered into fragments of circuitry and plastic before dispersing into the void. The ground got closer. ¡°Wha¡­ my playbook!¡±


    ¡°That¡¯s alright, then.¡± Hardhat kissed his clipboard goodbye. ¡°Oh clippy¡­ ticking your boxes off brought a wee bit of joy to my otherwise working class life.¡±


    ¡°That checklist!¡± said the knight, whose helmet was so heavy that he fell head first. ¡°Mr. Handyman, I didn¡¯t know you were a Barden Knight too! Hurry, play a word!¡±


    ¡°This isn¡¯t the time for a game of scrabble, lad. I¡¯m trying to think of a way out of this.¡±


    ¡°Aaargh!¡± shouted Derek. ¡°Exposition is one of my weaknesses! Call it a spell if you want! As a secret Barden Knight, disciple of the God King, you can cast them too, so hurry up and save us!¡±


    ¡°Are you trying to say I can do magic?¡± said the handyman.


    ¡°Yes¡­¡±


    ¡°Really?¡± He grinned.


    ¡°Yes!¡±


    ¡°Not just saying that ¡®cause I¡¯m about to pop me clogs and you wanted to warm the heart of an old labourer?¡± Hardhat¡¯s smile passed the bridge of his nose.


    Derek-Derek¡¯s eyes rolled back into his head, not out of sarcasm, but out of too much blood being there for too long. He passed out.


    Hardhat looked at the ground which, like everyone at his favourite pub, threatened to hit him in the near future. He twirled a pencil around his fingers as he thought. The surface got closer, and blurrier. He inhaled.


    ¡°ON,¡± said Hardhat, ticking off a box.


    And then they were on the ground.

 V - Decoration

    Derek-Derek did a headstand and flopped over. Hardhat just managed to part his legs before the poleaxe dropped from the sky and buried itself between them. He found he couldn¡¯t stop laughing.


    ¡°I bet the missus¡¯ll get lively when she hears about this. Listen, lad, does it work if I just tell her ORG--¡±


    Two high-vis jackets hung off a gnarled tree beside him, one orange, one green. Piled over the roots were the other clothes his co-workers had been wearing, including boxers with blood-stained smiley faces.


    ¡°Wha-¡± Hardhat dragged himself over through shingle, knees too wobbly to support himself. He wrung out one of the dripping crimson socks. ¡°That¡¯s more pints than I go through nightly, but a lot less bones to pick. Hey Orange! Green! Are you about?¡±


    Two dainty pairs of footsteps crunched into the pebbles, getting closer. Hardhat grabbed Derek-Derek and vaulted behind a thick crop of nettles.


    Two women ambled over¡ªone as warped and wiry as the tree she stood under, the other hunched over, creases rippling through her tux. They both carried leather-bound menus. The younger woman gasped like a frightened deer upon seeing the pool of blood; the older shaded her face with branchlike fingers.


    Hardhat looked around. They were in a sensory garden, the kind paved by little white stones, bounded by little wood fences, and neglected by everybody. Chives overran the plot, stinking up the place. Hardhat picked some and shoved it up his companion¡¯s nostrils. With heavy eye contact, he put his finger on his lips and made a little ¡®shh¡¯ sound.


    ¡°Evil demons are near!¡± shouted Derek-Derek, who opted out of the usual drowsiness that comes with waking up. He launched to his feet, chainmail jingling like windchimes, and brandished his poleaxe at the women, who gasped again.


    ¡°Bloody idiot,¡± said Hardhat. ¡°Now you¡¯ve gone and done it.¡±


    ¡°Don¡¯t hesitate, Thais,¡± barked the crone. ¡°Show them the result of your journey.¡±The story has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation.


    Thais nodded and proceeded to sweat a tsunami. She prised open her menu, rifled through it, accidentally stuck some pages together, prised those apart, then dropped it on the floor.


    ¡°Um, oh, I du-dunno¡­¡± she said. ¡°Wi- will it work if I play DECORATION?¡±


    Might be the light from that sepia-tone sun distorting it, thought Hardhat, but now that flashy poleaxe looks right cheap and plastic.


    ¡°I see.¡± The crone¡¯s mouth wrinkled into a smirk. ¡°You¡¯ve disabled the potency of the enemy¡¯s weapon¡ª¡±


    ¡°Justice is no decoration! I¡¯ll make you see, foul demon, that it¡¯s the main event! Exorcism drubbing!¡± Derek-Derek rapped the lass over the head with his axe, slamming it into her skull. He knocked her down and jumped after her and rained more blows upon her.


    The crone wrenched away the axe just before her prot¨¦g¨¦ would have lost consciousness.


    ¡°I give up,¡± wailed Thais, now in the foetal position.


    ¡°You¡¯re strong, spinster whose only friends are stinky cats!¡± Derek-Derek failed to grapple back his weapon. ¡°I can¡¯t allow a demon like you to live! Taste my fist of justice!¡±


    He punched the old woman. She fell like a sack of potatoes; he pounced.


    ¡°Easy, easy, that¡¯s enough, lad.¡± Hardhat struggled to restrain him. ¡°You¡¯re acting bang out of order. Demon or not, you can¡¯t just beast mode on a random person who hasn¡¯t even hurt you.¡±


    ¡°How dare you?¡± Derek exploded. ¡°Demons have to be killed! Let me go, damnit! It¡¯s, it¡¯s a demon¡­ not worthy of existence¡­ all they do is take lives¡­ it must die!¡±


    ¡°Shut up,¡± said Thais. The menu shook in her hands. ¡°Shut up shut up shut up! Do you think I want to be this way? You think I don¡¯t miss my family? I¡¯m not evil, I¡¯d never take a life, but you¡¯re going to go ahead and judge me, try to kill me? You might be dressed like a knight, but you¡¯re nothing but a hypocrite, human!¡±


    Derek thrashed in an effort to free himself from Hardhat¡¯s grip. ¡°Stop lying, you monster! I know what it means for a demon to come into our world! I know what you do! You, you think I¡¯ll ever forgive you for what you did to my¡ª¡±


    ¡°STUTTER¡±, said Thais.


    ¡°S-si-s-si-i-, o-o-oh, f-f-f-u-ck-ck¡­¡± stuttered the knight.


    ¡°Good job on tongue-tying him,¡± said the crone, ¡°but you should have done that earlier.¡± She rose to her feet, joints creaking like a hinge that had dodged a millenia¡¯s worth of WD-40. ¡°If he¡¯d decided to play something with that level of hatred, we¡¯d both be dead.¡±

 VI - Mutism

    ¡°Pe-Pe-Pee-Dee-Ayy,¡± stuttered Derek-Derek, rummaging in his pockets. ¡°Ha-Ha-Hard ha-ha-ha-hat¡­¡±


    Thais smiled, parting the waterfall of perspiration that streamed down her face. ¡°Now the other one, right? STUT--¡±


    ¡°No!¡± The crone slapped her. ¡°You want to lose your playbook after all that effort? Think of a different word.¡±


    ¡°I¡¯m not your enemy, love,¡± said Hardhat, hiding behind his human shield. ¡°No need to cast your posh spells on me. Have you seen the lads who were wearing the vests hanging off t¡¯up tree?¡±


    ¡°We felt the energy of your playbook,¡± said the crone, wiping Thais¡¯ face with a handkerchief. ¡°Sorry, but I can¡¯t let you run around the first circle with power like that. I¡¯ve got to tongue-tie you and take you to my employer.¡±


    ¡°N-n-no,¡± stuttered Derek. ¡°Mo-mo-mo-monster!¡±


    ¡°Human with a playbook means you killed a demon,¡± she said, opening her menu. A burst of pressure filled the garden, prompting a swarm of moths to take off and cloud the sky. ¡°That makes you the monster, really. Careful, now¡ªI¡¯m not like my apprentice. I won¡¯t show any mercy.¡±


    ¡°Ju-Juliette, watch out, they¡¯re dangerous,¡± said Thais, batting away the moths.


    ¡°Blimey,¡± said Hardhat. ¡°I don¡¯t suppose there¡¯s any way we could talk this out? Alright, Derek, stop all that squirming around, would you?¡±


    The crone shook her head. ¡°If you don¡¯t hold him back, I¡¯ll be forced to kill him on principle.¡±


    Derek-Derek replied by screaming in rage.


    ¡°Why¡¯d you go and say that for?¡± asked Hardhat, getting dragged forward by the madman in armour. ¡°Now he¡¯s even more riled up. Now I reckon we¡¯d all get along if we were to grab a pint together. What do you say?¡±


    ¡°MUTISM,¡± said the crone.The story has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation.


    ¡°...!¡± said Hardhat, puckering his lips like a fish with a kissing habit.


    He scanned the garden for an escape route. Smooth-stone walls barricaded three sides of four, and the fourth side, a dainty wooden fence, gave way to a sheer drop. Beyond the cliff, fields of dark green rolled across the landscape, perhaps endlessly, in a fit of heavy-handed symbolism.


    ¡°...¡±, he said, longingly.


    Derek-Derek rapped a gloved knuckle on Hardhat¡¯s clipboard three times, drew his finger along his throat, pointed out the two menu-wielding demons, then nodded and smiled. But Hardhat was too busy staring into the distance, so the knight thumped him in the chest just as Juliette played another word.


    ¡°Did you know, Thais,¡± said the crone, ¡°That the more deeply you resonate with a word, the greater its effects will be? Which do you think is better for me to play, LOVELY, or AGING?¡±


    ¡°Um,¡± she said, ¡°I mean, uh, I¡¯ve always thought you had a, sort of, kind-of-kindness about you, that, in a certain light, might prompt someone, after a little bit of drink, to venture slightly towards a word in, if not exactly, the area of ¡®lovely¡¯.¡±


    Juliette chortled, a deep-belly laugh, and slapped Thais on the back. ¡°You really are your mother¡¯s kid. I¡¯m not afraid to say that I¡¯m an old bitch. AGING.¡±


    Hardhat watched in horror as the skin on his arms dried up and wrinkled like leather on a tanning rack. Fatigue steeped his bones in cold. Derek-Derek hunched over, leaning on his poleaxe.


    ¡°That¡¯s horrible,¡± said Thais. ¡°They won¡¯t stay like that, will they?¡±


    Juliette simply exhaled, latched onto the two men¡¯s shoulders, and led them towards the door inside.


    ¡°...¡±, said Hardhat. All he¡¯d wanted was to look at those fields a little longer, but now it seemed he was completely beat, just like when Derek beat down Eve. Hands vibrating more vibrantly than a vibrator, he flipped over his clipboard, just to go over his favourite section one last time. He held the text a millimetre from his face in order to read it.


    CORRECT LIFTING PROCEDURE FOR PUTTING ITEMS AWAY


    A wave of nostalgia hit him. How had he grown up so fast? It felt like he¡¯d read this as a young-ish man only yesterday. He twirled his pencil and circled a word then, arm rising like a skyscraper in a timelapse, showed the women the clipboard.


    Juliette snapped away her gaze. ¡°No, Thais, you musn¡¯t look, he¡¯s trying to play a--¡±


    ¡°Why did he circle AWAY?¡± asked the prot¨¦g¨¦e.


    Something popped so loudly that it was completely silent, and the humans vanished.


    They found themselves down the valley in a thick, bushy field that swallowed up the earthy paths dug through it, and there were people.

 VII - Obey

    Human workers in denim kneeled down, cutting off the leaves of the plants and placing them in baskets, which others carried to a nearby structure, at least, they did until two men with a poleaxe crashed into the brush.


    Hardhat stood up, noting the crack of air in his joints, then smoothed out his arms to get rid of his wrinkles.


    ¡°Smells like a proper brew, that does. Oh, I got me voice box back.¡± He picked a leaf and sniffed it.


    ¡°Why?¡± asked Derek-Derek, floating atop the tea like a crowd surfer, albeit one with depression. ¡°Why didn¡¯t you attack them, helmet head?¡±


    ¡°Who are you calling helmet head, helmet head? Lad, listen. I really think we ought to have a word about your attitude back there¡­¡±


    A circle of workers formed around them and said things.


    ¡°Those humans¡­ they¡¯re not in jumpsuits.¡±


    ¡°That one looks like a knight.¡±


    ¡°Are knights allowed to wear sunglasses?¡±


    ¡°Modern day ones, yeah. Otherwise they couldn¡¯t fight when it¡¯s sunny.¡±


    ¡°I thought they had to squint. More manly.¡±


    ¡°Are you saying women can¡¯t be knights?¡±


    ¡°You¡¯re both wrong. They¡¯re supposed to save all their battles for a rainy day.¡±


    ¡°...Did he come to save us?¡±


    ¡°He¡¯s come to liberate us from Lord Assam?¡±


    ¡°He¡¯s a hero alright, all the heroes act like that.¡±


    ¡°What, spoil crops by lying on them?¡±


    Derek-Derek jolted upright like a scarecrow struck by lightning.Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.


    ¡°Greetings, townspeople and populace!¡± he said. ¡°I am the esteemed Derek-Derek, Barden Knight! Your hospitality is greatly appreciated, especially of the hot beverage variety, but I will warn you upfront that I cannot tolerate skimmed milk!¡±


    The crowd mumbled the name Derek-Derek among themselves with what could only be described as restraint. They parted to let through a middle-aged woman, who looked like she¡¯d earned her tan and muscles from years of hard labour.


    ¡°Someone else on the working class workout, I see,¡± said Hardhat.


    ¡°Everybody spread out,¡± hissed the agricultural gymgoer. She thrust a thumb at a watchtower jutting out the side of the field. ¡°Back to work, chop chop. You too, Pumpledinker, get a move on!¡±


    The crowd parted at her command, and soon the field resembled a human machine as its constituent parts picked away in unison.


    ¡°We can¡¯t talk here,¡± she said. ¡°Follow me.¡±


    ¡°That building up there!¡± Derek-Derek pointed to a palace sitting on a cliff at the end of the valley. ¡°¡¯Lord Assam¡¯ lives there, doesn¡¯t he? I, Derek-Derek, will complete this quest and save your village by ending his life!¡±


    The farmer stared blankly at him.


    ¡°Lad, no.¡± said Hardhat, arm already on his shoulder. ¡°Can you come with me and have a bit of a chat, first?¡±


    ¡°Fear not, noble peasant, I am sure my selflessness approach to justice has left you speechless, but I will surprise you once again: I will accomplish this task for free! Worry not about a reward--¡±


    "I¡¯ll use my magic, I will." Hardhat stubbed his pencil into his clipboard. "You ain¡¯t going off like that till we¡¯ve had a little touch base, alright?"


    "I¡¯ve nothing to say to a traitor who would turn their back on a fellow Barden Knight!" said Derek-Derek. "I am hereby slaying the evil demon lord of the first circle, and you can¡¯t stop me!"


    "OBEY", said Hardhat. "Sorry about all this, love. We¡¯ll come with you now."


    "Right," said the farmer. "Keep your heads down and don¡¯t talk to anybody."


    The knight shuffled alongside Hardhat as the farmer led them to a village of bunkhouses, most of which were smaller than garden sheds. He spent his time hollering at everyone he saw, so Hardhat forced him to run around a bunkhouse until he was out of breath. The farmers continued their work, affected as much by the shouting as, say, a brick.


    "How can you force your will on me like this?" panted Derek-Derek. "It¡¯s wrong! What¡¯s more, aargh, how are you so goddamned powerful?"


    Hardhat grimaced as he ducked into the farmer¡¯s shed-domicile. "You were too busy trying to kill that Juliette to listen to her, eh? Words that resonate with us are stronger, and I¡¯ll tell you now, young¡¯un, I¡¯ve spent me whole life following some bossman or other. Builds character. Now sit down and listen up."


    "Oh, I listened, alright." Derek-Derek pressed his entire bodyweight onto the handyman¡¯s foot. "And I know you can only use that word on me once. I don¡¯t know when it¡¯ll wear off, exactly, but you should watch your back." He crunched his metal boots down, like a kid squishing worms on the playground.

 VIII - Chair

    "I¡¯m, er, wearing protective footwear." Hardhat attempted to gesture to a seat, but the room had been furnished according to the minimalist principles of poverty. He pointed out the floor. "Sit and calm yourself."


    "We don¡¯t have much time." The farmer twisted open a red tap on the wall and filled three clay mugs with boiling water. "With how much your boy was shouting off, they¡¯ll be looking for you. Cup of tea?"


    "Much obliged," said Hardhat, taking a sip. "Got any sugars? And he ain¡¯t my boy, ain¡¯t got a drop of good blood in him so far as I can tell."


    "Yeah, well, you¡¯re a fuckoff!" said Derek-Derek, splaying on the floor like rusty modern art. "Can I please have some milk, kind lady!"


    "No sugar, no milk, and you¡¯d best watch your words, both of you." She quaffed her drink--seemed to take it volcanic. "None of us are beyond redemption. Welcome to hell. They call me Chair."


    "Only one in the room, by the look of it," said Hardhat. "Never liked me real name; Hardhat¡¯ll do."


    "Watch your words, villain!" said the obscure antihero, Derek-Derek. "Also, it¡¯s not fair that you made me, the famous hero Derek-Derek, sit down on rotten floorboards when you¡¯re standing up!"


    "Quite the duo, huh," said Chair. "You both look strong enough--long as you can pull your weight, you¡¯ll fit in alright. Well, I¡¯m the one that ends up listening to everyone¡¯s problems here. If you¡¯ve got any questions, I¡¯ll hear ¡®em out."


    Hardhat took a sip and smiled at the warming taste of a proper brew. "I oughta get back in time for tea, meself. Wouldn¡¯t miss the missus¡¯ toad in the hole for the world. How do we get back?"


    Chair picked a chisel out of a toolbox and scraped a mark into the wall next to hundreds of similar marks.


    "Everybody asks that first," she said. "Best sit down before I tell you."If you spot this narrative on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.


    Hardhat sunk, slowly, to the floor.


    Chair sighed and took several deep breaths, as if psyching herself up. "It never gets easier, saying this. I¡¯m sorry it has to be me who says it, and it¡¯s all I can do to ask your forgiveness beforehand."


    "What?" said Hardhat, leaning in.


    "Heroes do not fear the truth," said Derek-Derek, biting his nails.


    Thunder boomed and shook the world. Rain opened like a curtain; built to a crescendo, pitters and patters blurring into themselves until all Hardhat could hear was the rain pounding the ground, a rumbling of dread.


    "You¡¯re never going to see your wife again."


    Water trickled from the gaps in the ceiling and ran off Hardhat. The husband stared at a floorboard while twiddling his pencil, round and round and round.


    "I¡¯m sorry," said Chair, refilling his cup. "Roof¡¯s a bit leaky, here, but that corner¡¯s dry." She put an arm around him but he didn¡¯t react at all and that just made it awkward, so she stowed herself away in the corner alone.


    Thunder boomed like a subwoofer at a teenager¡¯s house party.


    "You see, HARDHAT!" said Derek-Derek, punching a hole in the wall. "You can¡¯t trust demons like Lord Assam! He¡¯s guarding the exit, I bet; he¡¯s trapped you all down here! I¡¯ll make him pay, thrust my poleaxe through him, once for every mark on this wall, for every human relation he¡¯s broken!" A torrent of water rushed through the hole, hosing him down.


    Hardhat kept staring at the floor.


    "He¡¯s powerful," said Chair, reaching for the tap. "A medieval weapon like yours isn¡¯t enough."


    "Then I¡¯ll get a better one!" He smashed his mug on the floor. Suddenly his expression cooled off, as void of information as an unplugged telly. "A new playbook."


    "How?" whispered Hardhat.


    "That¡¯s impossible." Chair had looked so stoic earlier, so dependable, but now, with her eyes wide like that, she looked helpless. "Unless¡­ surely you can¡¯t mean to?"


    Derek-Derek laughed a rasping laugh, the kind that sounds like a knife being sharpened.


    "That¡¯s not funny, kid." She thrust the chisel in front of her like a shield. "There¡¯s some things you just don¡¯t joke about."


    "Farewell, subjugated farmer," he said. "The next time we speak, you¡¯ll be liberated."


    He hacked the wall to pieces and stepped through, squelching off under the thick blanket of rain.


    "Who ever said I was subjugated?" asked Chair, to nobody in particular. She turned around--Hardhat had stood up, cradling his clipboard.

 IX - Table

    "I, I gots to see the missus," said Hardhat. "She¡¯s cooking toad in the hole. Can¡¯t ever manage to crack the eggs right. Always ends up with half the shell in the batter, the poor love, so I gots to be there to crack ¡®em for her, you see? And, we were halfway through season 3 of Cheeky Magic, and she promised not to watch ahead without me during the day, so you see, I¡¯ve really GOT TO BE HOME¡ª"


    She hugged him, tight, a hug born from empathy in disastrous times. The kind of hug that said, ¡®I know what you¡¯re going through,¡¯ when going out and saying it would be too much.


    "And," he said, his voice cracking, looking for footing but not finding it, "I never repainted¡­ the toilet¡­"


    He sobbed in her arms.


    "There¡¯s a reason they respect me here," she said. "I¡¯m the only one to pass Lord Assam¡¯s test."


    Hardhat looked up at her under an ocean of tears.


    "After I passed, he brought me to a set of stairs," she said. "And I asked where the ones leading up were. You know what he said? ¡®You can only go down.¡¯"


    "And you believed him?" he asked. "The young¡¯un could¡¯ve been right. That¡¯s it. He must have tricked you."


    "Assam wouldn¡¯t lie. You¡¯d understand if you met him." She blushed slightly, let him go, then swept a hand through her sopping wet hair.


    "Alright," sniffled Hardhat. "Next question. Have you seen two blokes walking about here in the buff?"


    Derek-Derek trudged through the fields. Leaves clung to his leg as he brushed them aside, painting him with thick layers of water. The workers had all rushed inside to light their candles under shelter--flickering warm islands that struck back against the darkness, and the cold. The knight strode past them, through the sheets of rain, never once taking his gaze off his destination--that palace on the hill.You might be reading a pirated copy. Look for the official release to support the author.


    "Hey!" A man put up an umbrella and burst out of a hut¡¯s doorway. "New guy, right? What the hell are you wandering around for in weather like this?"


    Derek-Derek turned in his direction, though it wasn¡¯t clear whether he was paying attention through his sunglasses. He gestured with the poleaxe to the palace.


    "That is the residence of Lord Assam, isn¡¯t it? I thank you in advance for the information, noble townsperson!"


    The man swallowed and sized Derek-Derek up until his umbrella sprang a leak. He reluctantly nodded. "No need to rush into your trial, you¡¯ll catch cold out here. The name¡¯s Table. Listen, me and a buncha guys are playing a round o¡¯ poker. Whaddya say to joining us? The blinds are pretty low, we¡¯re only in it to have a laugh and all that, so if that interests you, you¡¯d be mighty welcome¡­ hey, wait up!"


    Table jogged a hundred meters to catch up with the knight. They both looked as if they¡¯d spent an all-inclusive cruise inside a washing machine.


    "Sorry," said Derek-Derek. He mumbled something else, but it was drowned out by the rainfall.


    "I get it," said Table. He patched up the umbrella¡¯s hole with some masking tape, but wasn¡¯t looking where he was going and plunged into a knee height puddle. He yelped.


    Derek-Derek hoisted him out, then plodded on without a word.


    "Hey, thanks!" called Table. "There¡¯s a lot deeper than that in the valley. Won¡¯t you at least take this with ya?" The umbrella buffeted in the wind.


    "A Barden Knight fears not the elements!" said Derek-Derek, shivering. "Mr. Table, please enjoy your poker night without me! I will be back soon with news of your liberation!"


    "Liberation?" asked Table.


    But the knight had already blurred into the distance.


    Thais huddled into herself because in the cool darkness of the palace, there wasn¡¯t much else to cuddle. At the first strike of lightning, Juliette had rushed to the circuit breaker and cut the power which meant no heating, no lights, and no online friends. Leaks sprung throughout the tiled roof, running off hidden wooden beams in the ceiling. The call and response of pitter patters off the floor sounded like a disorganised marching band, and smelled about as damp as a disorganised marching band.


    Juliette hobbled into the large hall, carrying two flickering lanterns.


    "Here." She gave one to her apprentice. "I got a bad feeling in my bones about tonight."


    Thais held up the lantern to dispel some of the creeping shadows on the wall. More shadows crept around her feet like ants on a picnic rug.